Copyright?2022byBeckaMack
Allrightsreserved.
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Editor:PaisleyMcNab,www.perfectlywrite.ca
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
ISBN978-1-7781330-4-6(paperback)
ISBN978-1-7781330-3-9(e-book)Toeveryonewhohaseverfeltreadytofoldthemselvesinhalftofitsomebodyelse’sideaofwhotheyshouldbe…
Don’tdullyourshineforanyone.
Therightpeoplewillwanttobaskinyoursunshine,notstealit.Untilthen,soakitallin.
You,exactlyasyouare,areenough.CONTENTS
Playlist
1.StandDown,Soldier
2.BirthdayTacos&Fuckboys
3.Missing:PrincessBubblegum&TheWillToLive
4.It’sRainingDildos
5.GoldenDicking
6.DongRides&Concussions
7.WeGetIt;You’reHot
8.Whoops
9.WeShould(Never)DoThatAgain
10.UsainBolt
11.PlayWithMe
12.Rules?DoWeHaveTo?
13.NailingIt
14.Hi,Mom.IRuinedTheCarpet
15.It’sANoFromMe
16.Ladies&Gentlemen,ThisIsOrgasm#5
17.AreGirlsReallyThatGrumpyOnTheirPeriods?
18.TheF-Word
19.SoThisIsChristmas…
20.IThinkWeBrokeAdam
21.MyNameIsGarrettAndersen,AndIHaveAHockeyButt
22.Fuck.
23.IndianaBonesToTheRescue
24.WeMightNeedSuperglueForThisOne
25.SafeLanding
26.TheGreen-EyedMonster
27.DisneylandVs.IndianaBones
28.Rules?WhatRules?
29.DidIJustMakeAFriend?
30.Falling
31.Stay
32.SecondChances
33.IsThisTheWayItGoes?
34.LikeTheStars
35.HowDoYouLikeYourEggs?
36.Don’tGoBaconHisFace
37.LieutenantJohnsonVs.Disneyland:SurvivalOfTheFittest
38.Bubble-Wrapped
39.PoppingTheBubble
40.Clusterfuck
41.Strike13:ColdAsFuckballs
42.PoundTown
43.Sunshine&Chaos
44.ThrowDicksAroundLikeConfetti
Epilogue:Oops
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
PLAYLIST
Someday–OneRepublic
Photograph–EdSheeran
CarryMeAway–JohnMayer
LateNightTalking–HarryStyles
Butterflies–AbeParker
TheOneYouNeed–BrettEldredge
Collide–EdSheeran
SideBySide–JonForeman&MadisonCunningham
Dress–TaylorSwift
Cinema(Acoustic)–GaryGo
Recovery–JamesArthur
FallIntoMe(Acoustic)–ForestBlakk
YouShouldProbablyLeave–ChrisStapleton
FeelsLike–GracieAbrams
GoneTooSoon–AndrewJannakos
Treacherous(Taylor’sVersion)–TaylorSwift
FallingLikeTheStars–JamesArthur
IGuessI’mInLove–ClintonKane
MissingPiece–VanceJoy
LeaveYouAlone–KaneBrown
Biblical–CalumScott
Clarity–VanceJoy
Didn’tSeeItComing–MyBrothersAndI
MyPerson(WeddingVersion)–SpencerCrandallCHAPTER1STANDDOWN,SOLDIERGARRETT
“Ifuckin’toldyou.”
Holdingmyhandout,Icurlmyfingersintomypalmthreetimes,theworldwidesymbolforpayup,bitch
AdamLockwood,oneofmybestbudsandteammates,dropshisheadbackwithagroan,halfwaytoagrowl,likehecan’tbelievethisishappening.
Ican’tbelievethisishappening.
Tobeclear,theunbelievablepartisthatAdamhadfaithinthegroom.
Standing,hereachesintohisbackpocketforhiswallet,thendropsbacktohisseat,grumblingashesortsthroughawadofbills.Heslapsahundredinmywaitingpalm,andanotherinEmmett’s,ourteammate.
Adam’sglareliftstoCarter,ourteamcaptain,thegroom,andthemancurrentlyfumblingforwordsinfrontofalltwo-hundred-plusofhisguests.
Hejustaccidentallyoutedhisbrand-newbrideaspregnant.
“Ihadfaithinyou,Carter,”Adamgrumbles.HethrowshisarmsoverheadwhenCaraandJenniestartmakinggrabbyhandsfortheirshareofthewinnings.“Ohcomeon!”
See,Adam’sagreatguy.BestguyIknow,really.Hehasunendingfaithineveryone.Onoccasion,hisfaithis…alittlemisplaced.Likerightnow,inthatmanupthere.
BecauseCarterBeckettisgoodattwothings:playinghockeyandlovingonhisnewwife,Olivia.Somethinghe’sterribleat?Keepingsecrets.
“IoweOliviatoo,”Adammutters.“EvenshebetCarterwouldblowit.AmItheonlyonewhobelievedinhim?”
AcollectiveyesringsaroundthetablethathasAdamdraggingbothhandsdownhisface,butit’swhenHolly,CarterandJennie’smom,sticksherhandoverhisshoulderthatIthinkhemightactuallycry.
“I’velostsixhundredbucksintwominutesbecausethatguycan’tkeephismouthshutforonedamnnight.”
Hollytucksherwinningsaway.“Ilovemyson,butCarterlikesattentionandhaszerofilter.Hegetsitfromhisfather.Wouldn’tblameOliviaifshemakeshimsleeponthecouchtonight.”
Asifoncue,theteensybridestormsby,Carterhotonherheels.
“You’renotgettinganyofthistonight,”Oliviabitesout,pausingtocircleahandaroundherbottomhalf.“Noneofit.”
Carter’sgaspleaveshimslackjawed,andhechasesafterher.“Ollie!Itwasanaccident!Youcan’tcutoffaccess!Youcan’t!”
“IknewthiswasgonnabethemostentertainingweddingI’veeverbeento.”IstabatthechocolatecakeAdamhasn’tfinishedyet,stuffingahunkinmymouth.TherearecrushedOreosinthefudgefilling.It’samazing.“Caw-tan’Aw-wiecouldhabderownTVshow.”
“Youknowwhatwouldhelpwiththat?”Jennie’sperfectlyshapedbrowsliftassheaimsapointedglanceatmymouth.“Fuckingswallowingbeforeyouspeak.”
Istopchewing,andwhenoureyeslock,myearsburn.Jennie’saBeckett,that’sforsure.Anunfilteredsmart-asslikeherolderbrother,withhissamedimplesandirritatingsmirk.ButwhereCarter’seyesareadeepgreen,hersareasoft,coolblue,withalmostthefaintesthintofviolet.
Pretty.
Orwhatever.
Iswallow,settingmyforkdownandclearingmythroatasthealcoholinmeformsaresponseI’dnormallybetooafraidtosay.“Ifyouwantsome,allyouhavetodoisask,BabyBeckett.”
“I’mnotababy,”sheshootsback,pinningherarmsacrossherchest.Itpushesasetofperfect,glowingtitstogether,rampingupthewholefuckmevibeshe’srockinginhershimmerycranberrydress.
Ierasethethoughtasquicklyasitforms.SometimesIworryCarterhassupersonichearingwhenitcomestohissister,andcan,like…hearmythoughtsorsomeshit.I’veseenhimfightenoughontheicetoknowIdon’twanttobeonthereceivingendofhiswrath.Ilikemyfacethewayitis;Idon’tneeditrearranged.
AdampullshisplateawaywhenIgoinforanotherbite.“Mycake.”Heignoresmypout,andbeforeIcancomplainthatIalreadyatetwoslicesandhe’snotfinishinghis,hepresentsittoJennie.“Youwantit?”
Myjawdropswithagasp.
“Garrett,honey.”Hollysqueezesmyshoulders.“Where’syourdate?”
Heatclawsupmyneckandintomyface,rightuptothetipsofmyears.“Ididn’tbringone,”Imumble.Ihadsomeoptions,butI’dprefernottogiveanyonethewrongidea.Ithinkweddingsarekindaspecial.
“Whynot?You’resuchahandsomeman,sweetheart.”
Iscratchmyhair,droppingmygazetomyemptyplate.“Thanks,Mrs.Beckett.”MyeyesnarrowonJennieasshesnorts.“Where’syourdate,BabyBeckett?”
“I’mnotdatinganyone,andhavenodesiretobe.”
Hollysighs,sinkingdownbesideme.“Honestly,Jennie,IjustsolvedtheproblemthatIaffectionatelycallmyson.Pleasedon’tturnintohim.”Shetwistsmyway,eyesbright.“Hey,ifyou’renotdatinganyone,andshe’snotdatingany—”
CaraandEmmettfoldoverthetableatthesametime,howlingwithlaughterandeffectivelyendingHolly’swords.
“No,”Carachokesout,swipingatthefuckingtearsfree-fallingdownhercheeks.“Holyshit.Canyouimagine?Holly,welikeGarrett.Wedon’twanthimtodie.”
“Whataboutyou,Adam?”Hollysmilesathim.“You’resosweet.Cartercouldn’tpossiblyeverwanttokillyou.”
Jennieflingsherarmsintheair.“Mom!Canyoustoptryingtopimpmeout?AndIdon’twannadateanyoftheselosers.”ShepatsAdam’shand.“Sorry,Adam.You’renotaloser.”There’saquirkinthecornerofhermouthasshelooksmeover,gazelingeringonmycollarbonewheremytieisloosened,buttonspopped.Hereyesflittomine,andaplayful—evil—glintshinesinthemassheneglectstoincludemeonhernotaloserlist.
What’smeanttobeascowlwindsupbeingmestaringalittletoolong,gazetracingtherosyhuepaintedoverhersharpcheekbones,thewayherchestnuthaircurlsawayfromherfaceanddrapesoverherslendershoulders.
She’ssohot,it’sunreal.AllIcanseemtothinkaboutwhenshe’sintheroomishowitwouldfeeltogetheraloneinacloset,orbendheroverthetableand—
Ikeelforwardwithagrunt,clutchingmythrobbingkneeunderthetable,glaresetonAdam.“Whatthefuck?Whatwasthatfor?”
Hisvoiceislowandscary.“Youknowexactlywhatthehellthatwasfor.Whydon’tyoutakeafuckingpicture?It’lllastlonger.”
Well,fuck.What’sthepointofhavingeyesifIcan’tusethemtoappreciateasmokinghotwoman?That’swhatIwannaknow.
ExceptAdamisright(heusuallyis).Ihavezerointentionoffuckingaroundwithoneofmybestbud’slittlesisters,soIkeepmyeyestomyselffortherestofthenight.
Okay,Idon’t,butItryreallyhard;swearit.
Somehow,Iwindupstandingbythebarwithmymetaphoricalballsinmyhand,watchingJenniedoherthingonthedancefloor.Thickwavescascadedownthegoldenglowofhercurvedspine,andIfollowthelineofherbacklessdressdowntoherstellar,roundassasitbouncesbackandforthwiththemusic.She’sgotateensywaistandawidesetofhips,thekindIwannawrapmyfingersaroundand—
“Justaskhertodance.”
“What?”IlookatEmmett,thenbacktoJennie,andaskagain,“What?”
“Lookslikeyouwannadancewithher.”
“What?No.”AmIyelling?
“Whyareyouyelling?”
“I’mnotyelling.”I’myelling.
Emmettcocksabrow,downshisbeer,andshovesmetowardthegirlsonthedancefloor.Hiswifewastesnotimeyankingmeintoher,usingmetospinherself.
“C’mon,Gare-Bear.”CarapoutsatmeasEmmett’sarmscircleher,bringingherintohischest.“Shakeyourass,baby.”
“Idon’t—myassdoesn’t—Ican’t—”
“MyGod.”Jennielooksmeoverwithdisdainasherhipsmove.“Youhavenorhythm,Andersen,doyou?”
SherollshereyeswhenIblinkwordlesslyather,thenlinksherfingersthroughmineandtugsmeacrossthespace.Ourbodiescollidewithanoomphthatseemstoheatmefromtheinsideout,andwhensheturnsaroundandsettlesherassaninchfrommycock,IthinkImightpassthefuckout.
Herwarmhandsslideovermine,guidingthemtoherhipsastheyswayintunewiththemusic,andEmmettwinksatmeasifI’mnotcurrentlyshort-circuiting.
“Moveyourdamnhips,”Jenniegrowls.
“Idon’t…Idon’tknowhow.”
Slantedeyesglarefromoverhershoulder,softeningwhenmyfaceflushes.Jenniesighsquietly.“Justmovewithme,Garrett.It’snotthathard.Howthehelldoyougetsomanywomen?”
“It’sbeenslowlately,”Iblurtthoughtlessly,thenslammyjawshut.Thenopenitagain,forsomefuckingreason.“Ihaven’tgottensomany…Imean,therewasthisgirllastweekinPittsburghthatIalmost…”Iclearmythroat,registeringthewayJennie’sbodyhasstilledbelowmyhands.“I’llstoptalkingaboutmysexlifenow.”
“Soundslikealackofasexlifetome,bigguy.”
Fuckingtellmeaboutit.EmmettandCaragotmarriedthissummer,andCarter’sbasicallybeenmarriedtoOliviainhisheadsincetheymetlastyear,eventhoughshekepthimoffsideforawhile.Adam’sstillinashittyplacefromfindingouthislong-termgirlfriendcheatedonhimmonthsago,buthe’sinfinitelybetteroffwithouther.
Thatmeansthefirstmonthandahalfofourhockeyseasonhasseenmegettingdrunkpostgamewithmyhockeybudsonly,followedbyrepeatedsausagefestsbackatthehotels,fueledbyjunkfood,Xbox,andlisteningtomypussy-whippedroommateshaveborderlinephonesexwiththeirwives.Thingshavebeenbone-dryonmyend.
ThathastobetheonlyreasonI’mcurrentlyconsideringtakingmycaptain’slittlesisterintothebathroom,hoistingherontothevanity,andseeingwhatcolorherpantiesare.
Asidefrombeingtotallyandcompletelyofflimits,Jenniealsoscaresthelivingshitoutofme.She’sbold,confident,andsassyasfuck.Myeyesrarelyleaveherwhenshe’sintheroom.Exceptwhenshelooksmyway.OrwhenCarterdoes.
Likerightnow,attheexactmomentmyhandsglideoverhissister’ships,uptothedipinherwaist,grippingittightly.Fuckingtighterwhenhiseyeslandonmine.
“Garrett,”Jenniewhimpers.“Thathurts.”
“Garrett.”Carter’shardvoicesendsashiverofterrorupmyspine,andheaimsapointedglareatmyhands.
“Ah!”Ikinda-sortashriek,shovingJennieawayfromme.“I’mnottouchingher,”ItossovermyshoulderasIscurryoffthefloor,leavingJenniestandingtherealone,unimpressed,andnearlyasscaryasCarterlooks,eventhoughhe’stwirlingbothhisbeautifulbrideandhisgoldenretrieveraroundthedanceflooratthesametime.
Islinkdownthehallway,leanagainstthewall,andscrubmyhandsovermytiredface.“Ineedtogetlaid.”
“Icanhelpyououtwiththat.”
Aprettyredheadstopsinfrontofme,pullinganapkinandtubeoflipstickfromherpurse.Shepressesthenapkintomychestandscrawlsoverit.
AmIimpressedbyhoweasythatwasordoIjustwannagohomeanddevouraboxofPop-Tarts?I’mnotsure,butwhenJenniesauntersdownthehallway,mybloodpressurespikes.
Theredheadtucksherphonenumberintomychestpocketandpressesawhispered,“Callme”againstmycheek,andJennie’sdisgustedscowlissoterrifyingIcan’tlookaway.
Withaneyeroll,sheturnsandheadsforthebathroom,andmyfeetchaseafterher.
“Wait,Jennie!Iwasn’tgonna—I’mnot—Iwasn’t—”
“Idon’tcare,Garrett.Chasealltheskirtsyouwant.Maybejustnotonethatcamewithoneofyourdefensemen.”
“What?”Ilooktotheredhead,catchingherwinkbeforeshedisappears.“No,butI-I-I…”Ihangmyhead,rubbingthebackofmyneckasmyearsburn.“Iwasn’tgonnadoanything.”
“Butthingshavebeensoslowforyou,”Jenniemurmurs,smirking.Shedigsawipeoutofhertinygoldclutchandtossesitatmebeforeshovingthebathroomdooropenwithherhip.“You’vegotlipstickonyourcheek,bigguy.”
Somehow,Imanagetomissthelipstickkiss,andAdamendsupcleaningmyfaceforme,incitingcoosandsnickersfromallthegirls.BythetimeCarterandOliviaclimbintotheirlimoattheendofthenight,mybuzzisgone,myarmsarepermanentlypinnedacrossmychest,andeverywordoutofmymouthisagrumble.Eventhedogpantingatmyfeetcan’tcheermeuprightnow.
Idon’twanttoknowwhatkindofshitCarterhadtopulltohaveDublinatthereception,butI’mnotsurprised.Themancantalkhiswayintoandoutofeverything.Plus,asitturnsout,goldenretrieverslookdapperasfuckinapuptux.
“Comehere,Dubs!”Jenniecalls,clappingherthighs.“You’recomin’homewithyourfavoriteauntie!Yes,youare,myhandsomeboy!”
“You’rehisonlyauntie.”
Shepinsherarmsacrossherchest,luringmygazetoherspectacularcleavagefortheumpteenthtimetonight,thentothepopofherlefthip,whichsheswingsout,dresssweepingopenatthethigh-highslit,showingmeaphenomenalsetoftonedlegs.“Shutup,youtwat.”
“Weshouldcallyousunshine,”Igrumbleundermybreath.“’Causeofyoursunnydisposition.Alwayssofuckingniceandhappy.”
Man,thisliquidcourageisreallyfuckingmeovertonight.
Blueeyesnarrow.“Getinthefuckingcar,Gare-Bear.”
“Yes,ma’am.”
Islideintothebackofthelimowaitingtotakeahandfulofushome,andtakeaseatnexttoHankaseveryoneelsepilesinbehindme.
Hankiseighty-fouryearsyoung,oneofCarterandJennie’sbestfriends,kindalikeapseudo-grandpa,andcoolashell.HeusedtobeDublin’sdad,whichisprobablywhyDublinleapsacrossme,nailingmeinthenuts,andsprawlsoutonhislap.
“Motherfucker,”Igrunt,grippingmyjunk.
Hechuckles.“You’rereallytakingabeatingtonight.”Hissighissoftandhappy.“Suchabeautifulwedding.Oliviawasstunningtonight.”
CarasnickersassherunsherfingersthroughEmmett’shairfromherspotonhislap.Isuspectit’sbecauseHankisblind,andhasbeensincetheageoffifteen,butheneverfailstopumpawoman’sego.
Sighing,Isinkbackinmyseatandclosemyeyes,drowningoutthediscussionaboutCarter’scolossalpregnancyannouncementoopsie.Adam’sstillupsethelostsomuchmoney,andHolly’smakinganamelistforherfirstgrandbaby.CarterandOliviahavedecidednottofindoutthesex.Oliviasaysshedoesn’twanttospendherpregnancytellingCartertheyaren’tnamingthebabyCarterJr.ifit’saboy,butIthinkit’sbecauseCarter’sterrifiedit’sagirl.Withhim,sometimesdenialisthebestmedicine.
WhenwepullupoutfrontofHollyandJennie’shouse,Dublin’sasleeponhisbackinmylap,noseburiedinmysuitjacket,andCara’stongueishalfwaydownEmmett’sthroat.AllIhearisDublin’ssoftsnoresand—Ithink—salivabeingswapped,withtheoccasionalbreakforEmmetttowhisperallthewayshe’sgonnanailhiswifetonight.
Ileapoutthedoorthemomentitopens.“I’llhelpHankgetin.”
Adamflingshimselfontothesidewalk.“Metoo.”
Sighing,Isinkbackinmyseatandclosemyeyes,drowningoutthediscussionaboutCarter’scolossalpregnancyannouncementoopsie.Adam’sstillupsethelostsomuchmoney,andHolly’smakinganamelistforherfirstgrandbaby.CarterandOliviahavedecidednottofindoutthesex.Oliviasaysshedoesn’twanttospendherpregnancytellingCartertheyaren’tnamingthebabyCarterJr.ifit’saboy,butIthinkit’sbecauseCarter’sterrifiedit’sagirl.Withhim,sometimesdenialisthebestmedicine.
WhenwepullupoutfrontofHollyandJennie’shouse,Dublin’sasleeponhisbackinmylap,noseburiedinmysuitjacket,andCara’stongueishalfwaydownEmmett’sthroat.AllIhearisDublin’ssoftsnoresand—Ithink—salivabeingswapped,withtheoccasionalbreakforEmmetttowhisperallthewayshe’sgonnanailhiswifetonight.
Ileapoutthedoorthemomentitopens.“I’llhelpHankgetin.”
Adamflingshimselfontothesidewalk.“Metoo.”
WithHanksettledinthesparebedroom,Hollystartsstuffingtreatsintoourhandsthesecondwemakeourwayintothekitchen.
“I’vealreadystartedmyChristmasbaking.”Sheshovesabagfilledwithsomesortofchocolatepeanutbutterball-shapedversionofheavenbackintothefreezer.“It’sonlyNovember,sothat’sanissue.”Sheplantsakissonourcheeksbeforeheadingdownthehall.“Thismamaneedstoheadtobedbeforeshewakesupandrealizesthiswasalladream,thatIdidn’tmanagetomarryoffmysontoawonderfulwomanwho’swillingtotoleratehimfortherestofhislife.”
Adamnudgesmyshoulderandgrabsafistfulofhisjunk.“Gottatakeaquickleak.”Hehalts,gazeslidingtoJennie.Clearinghisthroat,heslowlyreleaseshimself,cheekspink.“Imean,uh…Igottausethe…thebathroom.”Withalookthatfeelssuspiciouslylikeawarning,heleavesmeandJennieinthekitchen.
Thewomanpromptlyignoresme,turningherbackonmeandpouringherselfaglassofwater.
“Uh…”Iscratchmyhead,searchingforawaytoeasethisawkwardtension.“So,theweatheris…nice?”
Shesnortsintoherwater,pullsanotherglassfromthecupboard,fillsit,spins,andshovesitintomysurprisedhands.
Iblinkdownather.“Thanks?”
“Mhmm,”shemurmurs,andIwatchthewayherassswingsbackandforthasshestartsdownthehallway,onearmreachingback,tryingtosnagthatzipperthatstartsjustabovetheswellofthatbangingpeach.
Trying,andfailing.
Withaheavysigh,shepauses,headdown,fingerstappingonthedoorframe.Turning,shefindsmeexactlywhereIshouldn’tbe:standingtheregawkingather.
“Canyoupleasehelpmewithmyzipper?It’sstuck.”Shetwirls,givingmeherbackside,andI’mfrozeninplace.
“Uh,yeah.Totally.I’mgoodatzippering.”I’mgoodatzippering?Holyfuck,youdipshit.Shutup.
“Mighthavetoputyourwaterdown.”
“What?”IlookdownattheglassI’mgrippingandchuckle.Whydoesitsoundsohoarse?HowoldamI?Twenty-six,ortwelve?“Oh.Yeah.”Idraintheglassquickly,setitdown,anddragmysweatypalmsdownmylegs.
Christ,thisdress.Thisback.Thisfuckingass.Itshouldbeillegal.It’sdefinitelyillegalformetohavemyhandsthisclosetoit,I’lltellyouthatmuch.IfCartercouldseemerightnow,I’dneverplayhockeyagain.I’dbemissingatleastonenecessarylimb.
Idon’tknowhowtoapproachthis.Thezipper’srightthere,atthetopofthatcurve,and…shouldIjust…goin?Yeah,I’lljustgoin.Ireachforthezipper,thenhesitate.“Um,I’lljust…”Cockingmyheadtotheside,Iexaminethatdaintygoldentab.“I’ll,uh—”
“Forfuck’ssake,Garrett,it’snotthatbigadeal.Imusthavesnaggeditearlier.Justgiveitagoodtug.”
“Right.Okay.Yeah.Agood…tug.”
Takingtheteensyzipperheadbetweenfingersthatarewaytoobigforthis,Igripherhipinmyotherhand,thumbpressingintoherwarmskin.Herbackarchesslightlyandmybreathgetslostsomewhereinmychestatthewaysheclearsherthroat,thelow,raspysoundmakingmythirdlegtwitch,andevenmoresowhenshestepsbackintome,closer,likeshewantsherasstogetwellacquaintedwithmyjunk.
OhGod,whatisshedoing?No.No,no,noShe’sgonnawakehimup
Jenniegathersherhairinherfist,sweepingitinslowmotionoverherslendershoulder.Dustyblueeyespeeratmefrombeneaththick,darklashes,andmygazetrackshertongueasitglidesoverherlowerlip.
Ohfuck.Yup.He’sawake.
Notnow,LieutenantJohnson.Standdown,soldier!
“Garrett.”
Myheadsnaps,gazelockingwithAdam’spiercingone.IlookbackatJennie’sass—zipper—andgiveitaswifttug,freeingthematerial,thenhightailitthefuckoutofthehouse,slammingthedoorbehindme,bodysaggingwithaheavysighasIkeelover,grippingmyknees.
Whew.Thatwasacloseone.
Adamshakeshishead,hisdemandlow.“Findsomeoneelse.Literallyanybodyelse.”
Right.Yes.That’sabsolutelywhatIneedtodo.Jennie’soff-limits.Plus,Ibarelyknowher.Idon’tneedtofuckupanyfriendshipsormyhockeyseason—oranypreciouslimbs—togetlaid.I’vegotplentyofoptions.
That’swhatI’mstilltellingmyselfahalfhourlaterwhenI’mwaitinginthelobbyofmycondo,sighingasIrepeatedlyhammerthecallbuttonfortheelevator.
“Mr.Andersen,”asultryvoicewhispersfrombehindme.Emily,oneofmyneighbors,sidlesupnexttome.Shetossesherdirtyblondehairoverhershoulder,highlightingtheslightshimmerthatdecorateshercheekbonesasshesmirksatmewiththosecherryredlipsI’vedevouredhereandthere.“Don’tyoulookhandsometonight.”
TheelevatoropensandIsweepherinside,notingherglitterydress,mile-longlegs,andblackheels.
“Bestfriend’swedding,”Iexplain.“Andwhataboutyou?You’relookingfantastictonight.”
“Ialwayslookthisgoodandyouknowit.”Sheleansagainsttherailing,crossingoneankleovertheother,eyescoastingthelengthofmeasIpressforherfloor,thenmyown.“Bacheloretteparty.”
“Everyone’sgettingmarried,huh?”
Shesnorts.“Notme.”
Chuckling,Idragahandthroughmyhair.“Meneither.”
Theelevatordingsasitstops,andEmilysauntersintothehallway.Onehandkeepsthedoorsfromclosingasshepeeksoverhershoulder.“Wannacome?”
Idon’tmissthatsheleavesoutthein,lettingtheinnuendohangheavyintheair.
Grippingtherailing,Iwatchmyshoetaponthemarbledfloor.Mygazerisestothelumpbetweenmylegsthat’sstillkindastrainingagainstmyzipperfromtheassIhadmyhandsonlessthananhourago,andIremindmyselfforthehundredthtimethatthatassisoff-limits.
EmilysmilesasIstraightenoffthewall.Fuckit.
“Yup,Iwannacome.”CHAPTER2BIRTHDAYTACOS&FUCKBOYSJENNIE
Youknowthatickyfeelingwhenyoupullonapairofunderwearfreshoutofthedryeronlytofindthey’restilldamp?Orwhenyou’vegotnotimetoheatupyourleftovermacandcheese,soyouhavetoshovelitbackwhileit’scoldandhard?Bothfuckinggross,exactlylikethefeelingIgetwhenmydancepartnerwatchesmethewayheisrightnow,likehecan’twaittomakemehisnextmeal.
Poorguyhasn’tfiguredoutyetthatI’mcaviar;hecan’taffordmenomatterhowhardhetries.
Simonleansagainstthebenchpress,droppinghiselbowtothebar,andflickshisheadup.Hisbrowswaggle.“Likewhatyousee?”
“Funny,Iwasabouttoaskyouthesamething.”Ibrushbyhim,headingtothechangeroom.Hefollows,becausehe’sapersistentlittleshit.
Don’tgetmewrong:IlikeSimonwellenough.We’vebeendancingtogetherforfouryearsnow.Butinadditiontohispersistence,he’scockyasfuckandseemstobeunderthemisguidedimpressionI’msimplymakinghimworkreallyhardforit.
It’snotthatdifficultaconcepttograsp.IhaveabsolutelyzeroplansoflettinghiminsidemyDisneyland.Thesoonerheacceptsthis,thebetter.
“Thisisthewomen’schangeroom,Simon.Youcan’tcomeinhere,nomatterhowfarbackyoutuckthatthing.”
Grinning,heslapsahandoverhiscrotch.“Icouldn’ttuckthisthingbackifItried.”Hisbreathsmellsremarkablylikebeefjerkywhenitbrushestheshellofmyear.“Can’thideapackagethissize.”
Ishovehimbackward,shooinghimawayandsteppinginsidethechangeroom.“Knockthategodown,like,ahundredpegs,fuckboy.”
Simonchuckles.“I’llgrabashowerandmeetyououtfront.”
Oneofmycharacterflawsisagreeingtoplansinadvance.Bythetimetheycome,I’dmuchrathertakemybraoffandnothavetoputitbackon.
Iswipeatalineofsweatmakingitswayintomysportsbra.“I’vegotplanstonight,andI’mprettytired,so—”
“Butit’syourbirthday.”
“Right,andI—”
“Fiveminutes!”Hekissesmycheekandjogstowardthemen’schangeroom.“Gimmefiveminutes!Gottafreshenupformyfavoritebirthdaygirl!”Hewinksanddisappearsbeforehecancatchmyeyeroll.
Sure,we’refriends,andyes,wespend75percentofourtimetogetherinintimatepositionswithhisroaminghandsonme.Still,onapseudo–lunchdatewithSimonideallyisn’thowI’dspendmytwenty-fourthbirthday.Infact,Icanthinkofatleasttenbetterwaystospendit,likeatwo-hourcouchnap,jillingoffinmybedroom,ortakingmycatforawalk.
Idon’thaveacat.
ButI’mpartialtofreefood,andwewindupatTacoCantina,whichisnice—tacosarelife—thoughI’munimpressedwithSimon’sinsistencetosharethechipsandguacasastarter.HedevoursallbuttwochipsImanagetosneak
“Oops.”Hisfingersbrushthedustybottomoftheteakchipbowl.“Kindaateitall,didn’tI?”
“Yousuredid.”
Hedismissesmewithawave.“S’okay.Youdon’twannaworryabouttheextracalories.”
MybrowsrocketsofastupmyforeheadI’mworriedtheymightflyrightoff.“Pardon?”
“Theextracalories.”
“Right,Iheardyou.Iwasgivingyouachancetochangeyourwords.”Isipmyvirginmojito,savoringthesweettang.“Whenhasiteverbeenokaytocommentonwhatawomanshouldorshouldn’teat?”
Heregardsmecautiously.“Calmdown,Jennie.Iwasjoking.Andit’snotlikeyou’renotusedtoit.”
Iamusedtoit,that’sexactlytheproblem.I’vespentmyentirelifefightingtheurgetocowerfromthescrutinizingstaresofdancecoachesthatnitpickanyamountofsoftness,thatscourmyfoodlogs,searchingforanyindicationthatI’vebeenanythingotherthanstrictwithmydiet,somethingtoexplainwhyI’mmovingabitsluggishoneweek,orwhymyoutfitfitsalittlesnuggeronemorning.I’vehuggedtoomanytoiletbowlsandcried,afraidofharshwords,butmoreafraidtostartanaddictionthatcantooquicklyturnlethal.
ThatIcansitherenowandorderthreeloadedtacosandasugarydrinkwithoutacareintheworldoranounceofremorseisamiracle,somethingI’vebeenworkingtowardsincehighschoolwithanincredibleamountoftherapy.Iwon’tletSimon’scarelesswordsstealyearsofprogress.
Andthenheadds:“Plus,thewintershowisnextmonth.Youdon’twannabepackingonunnecessarypounds.”
Ikeepfromcrushingmyglasssimplybecausethisdrinkisbanging.“You’rediggingyourowngrave.Keepitup,andI’mgoingtoputyouinit.”Itackthedipshitoninmyhead.
Hecoversmyhandwithhis.“YouknowIthinkyou’rethemostbeautifulgirloutthere,Jennie.I’mluckytohaveyouasapartner.”
Ismileupatthewaiter,mouthingasilent“Thankyou”asheslidesaplatteroftacosinfrontofme.ToSimon,Isay,“Damnrightyouare.”
Hedevourshalfatacoinonebite.“Yourbrotherstillmarried?”
“It’sbeentwoweeks,so,yeah.”Also,Carter’sobsessedwithOlivia.Goodthinghe’saprofessionalhockeyplayer.Ifhewereintowneveryday,Oliviamightstranglehim.I’mstillunsurehowImadeittwenty-fouryearswithoutdoingitmyself.Mybrother’sgreat,he’sjustalittle…boisterous?Ostentatious?Self-assured?Extraasfuck?Alloftheabove?
“Twoweeksseemslikemorethanhecanhandleinacommittedrelationship,”Simonmanages,showingmeamouthfulofgroundbeef,lettuce,andcheese.HowhemanagestogetintotheskirtsofeverygirlinthedanceprogramatSFUisfarbeyondwhatmymindcancomprehend.
“ShouldIremindyouyou’reasbigamanwhoreasCarterwaspriortoOlivia?”
“Iamnot.”
Iaccidentallycackle.Whoops.
Simonrollshiseyes.“Howcomeyourbrothergetsthechancetochangehisreputation,butIdon’t?MaybeIwanttosettledowntoo.”
Dopeopledeservethebenefitofthedoubt?Normally.ButIknowthisman.I’vewatchedhimlureincountlessgirlswithhischarm,onlytosleepwithoneforaweekortwobeforereplacingherwithanother,onehelikestoflauntrightinfrontoftheformer.Hetosseswomenawaywithoutthought,allthewhilenevermissinganopportunitytohitonme.
Likerightnow,ashehookshisanklearoundmine,pullingmylegsbetweenhisunderthetable.Hesmirksthatfuckingsmirk,andI’mremindedofexactlywhyI’veaffectionallylabeledhimSimonSyphilis.
“C’mon,Jennie.Let’sgobacktomyplace.Lemmegiveyouarealbirthdaypresent.”
“Yeah.”Icatchthewaiter’seye,twirlonefingerintheair,thenpointatmytacos.“CanIgetato-gobox,please?”Ilaymychinonmylacedfingersandsmile.“Youknow,Simon,I’dabsolutelyloveto.Lovetostayandfinishthislunchtoo.”Iacceptthesmallboxfromthewaiterwithagratefulsmileandstartliningupmytacosinside.“Unfortunately,Idon’tfeellikemakinganyfuckboy-sizedmistakestoday.”
Istandandpopachastekissonhischeek,mentallycataloginghisepicallysurprisedfaceintotheneverwannaforgetthisfileinmybrain.“Thanksformybirthdaytacos.Can’twaittoenjoythemsilentlyandalone.”
***
ThethingaboutaBeckettgrinisit’sirresistible,eventootherBecketts.Mybrothercan’tsaynotome,andI’vebeenknowntotakeadvantageofthateverynowandagain.
SonotonlydoIgetsteakandlobsteratoneofthefanciestrestaurantsinVancouverformybirthdaydinner,IdevouranOreoexplosionbananasplitatmyfavoritedessertbar,too,afternothingmorethanasimplerequestandadimple-poppinggrin.Carteratetwo,soasIfollowhimdownthestreetafterdinner,I’mtryingnottoletthefifteenpoundsIfeellikeI’vegainedtonightweightooheavilyonmymind.
Still,I’mstuffed,uncomfortableashell,andCarter’smakingmewalk.Plus,it’scoldasballsandI’mwearingmyprettycoat,notmywarmcoat.
Ishiver,snugglingmychinintomyscarf.“I’mcold.Wherearewegoing?HowcomeHankgottogohomeafterdinner,butwe’resubjectedtowalkinginthesnow?Don’tyouloveus?”
Carterignoresme,butOliviagroans,bothmitten-sheathedhandsonherstomach.“Ineedtowalkallthatfoodoff.Iatewaytoomuch.”
Ipatheradorablebabybump.“Littlemamawashungry.That’sokay.”
“Littlemamaisalwayshungry.”
“Bigdaddy’salwayshungrytoo,”Carterrumbles,pattinghistorso.
Imakeayuckface.“Please,no.Neveragain.”
Hedeflates,frowning.“What?Why?”
“Becausethat’sutterlydisgusting.”
“You’redramatic.”Hewrapsanarmaroundhiswife,pressinghismouthtoherearbutnotloweringhisvoice.“Icouldeatagain,justnotsomethingsuitableforpublicifyouknowwhatI—”
“Carter!”Sheslapsapalmacrosshismouthbeforeyankinghimdowntoeyelevel.“FortheloveofGod,”shewhispersinthatthreateningteachervoiceofhers.“Foronceinyourlife,stoptalking”
Hissmirkisslowaswestopinfrontofatallbuildingdowntown.“Ijustwannaloveyououtloud.Whywon’tyouletmeloveyououtloud?”
OliviagiveshimareassuringpatwhilemymomswoonsandIgag.“Trustme,baby.Nobodylovesasloudasyoudo.”
Cartergrinsproudlyandopenstheglassdoors.HeushersusintoanelevatorbeforeIhavetimetoadmiretheexquisitelobby,andaswerideuptothetwenty-firstfloor,hefinallyanswersthequestionIaskedafulltwominutesago.“Idoloveyou.Bestsisterever.”Hepushesmeintothehallway.“That’swhywegotyouthebestpresentever.”
“Present?Here?”Myheadcranks,takinginthenumbereddoorsliningthehallway.“Carter,thisisacondobuilding.”
“Uh-huh.”Heslipsakeyintoadoormarked2104,thengesturesintothespace.“Welcomehome,Jennie.”
Myjawunhinges,feetrootedinplace.“Home?For…forme?”Cautiously,Istepinsidethebrightspace,whichappearstobestunningandfullyfurnishedifthelivingroomisanyindication.Iturntomyfamily,andmystupideyeswellwithstupidtears.Ihatecrying,butthisisanemotionaltimeofyearforme.“Thisisforme?Yougotmemyownapartment?”
“Guesssomemightcallmethebestbrotherintheworld.”
He’sannoyinganddrivesmeupthedamnwall,butCarteralwayshasbeenthebestbrother,andmybestfriend.SoIflingmyarmsaroundhisneckandcryout,“Iloveyousomuch.”
Mom’sfrownyfacecomesintoview.“Butyoucanstaywithmeifyouwant.Ifyouwant,Jennie,youdon’thavetomove.It’snottoolate.Cartercanbackoutofthelease.Youcan—”
Cartersilencesherwithonegianthandoverherface.“Shhh.”Heloopshisarmthroughmine.“C’mon.I’llgiveyouthetour.”
Carterpullsmearoundtheapartment,showingmethesprawlingmasterbedroom,theattachedbathroomwiththesparklingglassshower.There’sasecondbedroomandanotherbathroomdownthehall,muchmorethanIneed.
Notsurprising,norishimtellingmeheactuallywantedtogetmethepenthouse.Carterlovestospoilhispeople,andhecaughtmelookinguprentalslastmonth.Idon’thavemuchincome,andVancouverisexpensive,somybudgetwasgivingCriminalMindsvibes,sanshunkyDerekMorgan.ThefaceCartermadebeforeslammingmylaptopshut,gruntingoutaFuckno,andwalkingaway,wasbothentertainingandeye-rollinducing.
Whenwefinishthetour,IdancemywaythrougheveryroomthreemoretimesbecauseI’msoinlove,andIcan’tstopsmiling.
“Thisisincredibleandso,soperfect.”IspinaroundthelivingroombeforeIcrushmybrotherinahugandthrowmyselfoverOlivia,who’smadethecouchherhome,andsmoochhercheek.“Thankyou,timesinfinity.”
“Youcanmoveinassoonasyouwant,”Cartertellsmeaswegetreadytoheadhome.“IcanhelpyouwhenIgetbackfromourseriesnextweek.”HehandsmearosegoldkeychainwithanacrylicJonit,filledwithtinyflowers.“Andoneoftheguyslivesonthetopfloor,whichiscool.Ifeelbetteraboutyoulivingaloneknowinghe’saround.Ihaven’taskedhimyet,butIknowhe’lllookoutforyou.”
“Great.”Howlikehimtoputmeundersurveillance.
Hesweepsmeintothehallwayasthedooroppositemeopens.Asoftgigglepiercestheair,andCartergrins.
“Speakofthefuckingdevil.Whatareyoudoingdownhere?Well,Imean,Iknowwhatyouweredoingdownhere.”Hepumpshisbrows.“Yourhair’sall…andyourshirt…”Heshakeshishead,stillgrinning,thenpointsatme.“Jennie’smovingin.Toldheryou’dlookoutforher.”Hisexpressionsobers.“Youhavetolookoutforher.”
“Idon’tneedababysitter,”Igrumbletonobodyinparticular,buttoningmycoatbeforepeekingtoseewhichpoor,unsuspectingsoulhasbeentaskedwiththejob.Myfingershalttheirworkwhenmygazesettlesonapairofwideblue-greeneyes,themessofdirtyblondwavesruffledonhishead,thegraysweatpantshanginghaphazardlyandwaytoolowoffhiships.
Carter’sright:Garrettlooksexceptionallylikehejusthadsex.
Andthehalf-dressedblondewithherfireenginerednailswrappedaroundhiselbowlookslikeshejustgotfuckedstraightintotheground.Ifindmyselffeelingoddlyenvious.
GarrettAndersenranksasolidChrisHemsworthonthefuckabilityscale,allglowingskin,ripplingmuscles,turquoiseeyesthecoloroftheoceanonthebrightestday,andhissweatpantsdonothingtohidethathe’spackingsomeseriousheatbetweenhislegs,becausewhywouldn’thebe?Sosueagirlforwonderingwhataquickrollwithhimmightfeellike.It’sbeenwaytoolong,andIhaveacouple—okay,afuckload—ofcobwebsinthedungeon.
Shit,didIcallitDisneylandearlier?
BrightredheatstainsGarrett’scheeksasheholdsmystare,andIhavenoideawhatcomesoverhimasherocketsawayfromthegirlathisside,practicallyshovinghertotheground.
“Right,well,asIwassaying.”Clearingmythroat,Iwrapmyscarfaroundmyneck.“Idon’tneedtobebabysat,especiallybyFuckboyoftheYearoverhere.”IloopmyarmthroughOlivia’sandheadfortheelevator,throwingonelastlookovermyshoulder.Judgingbyherlaugh,I’dsayOliviaenjoysthewayGarrett’smouthgapesasmuchasIdo.I’msurehewantstobemybabysitterasmuchasIwanttohearmybrothercallhimselfBigDaddyeveragain.
“JenniferBeckett,”Momscolds,chasingafterus.“Thatwasmean!Sorry,Garrett!Weloveyou!”
“I’vecalledCartermuchworse,”Oliviapointsout.“ButGarrett’sasweetheart.”
Mynosewrinkles.“Asweetheartwhowasfuckingmynewneighbor.”
Idon’tmind,butitmightbealittleawkwardtoseethemtogetherinthehallway.Andwhatifthewallsarethin?DoIwanttoknowwhathesoundslikewhenhe’scoming?Notparticularly.
OneofthereasonsIavoidedsocialmediabeforeCartermetOlivia,backwhenhewasmanwhoreextraordinaire.Nooneneedstoseeevidencethatsomeoneelseisgettinglaid.
“Maybethey’redating,”Iofferlamely.
“Nope.”Carter’sarmpushesbetweentheelevatordoors,makingthemspringbackopen.Heshufflesinside.“Justfucking.”
Ipinmyarmsovermychest.“Idon’tneedababysitter,Carter.”
HehaulsOliviaintohim,pullingherscarfupuntilit’sdamnnearcoveringherwholeface,despitehertryingtoswathimaway.“Don’tthinkofGarrettasababysitter.Thinkofhimmorelikeanextrasetofeyes.”
“Carter!”Istomptwice.I’vealwaysbeenabitofadramaqueen.Likebrother,likesister.“That’sevenworse!Itsoundslikeyou’respyingonme!”
“I’mnotspying!”heshoutsback,armswaving.“Ijustwannamakesureyou’resafe!”
Thedoorsburstopen,andIstrutintotheimmaculatelobby.“You’resoannoying.”
“No,you’reannoying!”
“Iknowyouare,butwhatamI?”
“OhgoodGod.”Oliviaburiesherfacebehindherhand.
“Children,”Momwarns.“Getalong.”
“You’reluckyIloveyou,”Cartermutterswhenheopensthecardoorforus.
“You’reluckyIdon’tkickyourass.”
Hisfaceshatterswithawidegrin.“Getinthedamncar.”
***
Myfingerglidesalongtheedgeoftheoldpageinfrontofme,theplasticthatprotectsthepicturesthathavelivedthereforyears.It’sstiffandbroken,sharpontheedges,andIhisswhenmyfingerslidestooquicklyoveracrack.Adropofbloodpoolsonthetipofmyfinger,andIsuckitintomymouthtostopboththepainandthebleedingasIstaredownatthehandsomefacesmilingupatme.
He’swearingapinkbirthdayhatandhasanewlysix-year-oldmeonhisshoulders,clutchingthesoft,palepinkbunnystuffiehesurprisedmewith.
Mybedroomdoorcreaks,andMompopsherheadin,smilingwhenshespotsmestillawake.Sheshufflesinbutpausesattheedgeofthebed,andIwatchasyearsworthofunendingloveandheartacheflashesacrosshereyesasshespiesthephotoalbumopeninmylap.IwishIcouldfixit,butIknowIcan’t
“Imisshim,”Iwhisper,tracingtheshapeofmydad’sface.“Somuch.”
“Me,too,sweetie.”Momsinksdownbesideme,pressingalingeringkisstomyhair.“Iknowhe’slookingdownonyoutoday,cryingthathisbabygirlisn’tababyanymore.He’ssoproudofyouandthewomanyou’rebecoming,Jennie.Iknowthatwithoutadoubt.”
Shetouchesthebunnylittlemeisclutching,smooshedintomydad’shair.Hergazesettlesonthesamebunnycurrentlysnuggledintomybelly.“She’salwaysbeenyourfavorite.”
Ipullthestuffiefrommylap.Itscoloringhasfaded,andoneofthebuttoneyeshangsbyaloosethread.Yearsofcuddles,oftowingiteverywhereIwent,refusingtoletmymomwashitsometimesformonthsatatime,hasmadetheonce-softfurcoarseanddull.
“Ialwayswantedabunny,butyouguyswouldn’tletmegetone.Dadgotmethisbunnyinstead.”Istrokethelongears.“Itwashimwhonamedher,youknow.PrincessBubblegum.”
“Hewould’vegivenyoutheentireworldifIonlylethim.Hebuggedmeforyearsaboutgettingyouarealbunny.Youwerehislittleprincess,andhewasapersistentlittleshitwhodidn’tlikethewordno.”
“SoundslikeCarter.”
Shechuckles.“Carterandyourdadaretoomuchalike.Adangerousduowhentheygotuptotheirshenanigans.”Shethreadsherfingersthroughmyhairwithatendersmile.“I’msorryhe’snotheretocelebrateyourbirthdaywithyou.”
“Don’tbesorry.”Iswipeatearfrommycheek,thencatchtheonerollingdownhers.“I’mluckytohavehadsixteenyearstomakememorieswithhim.”
There’saquietsadnessetchedinhereyesastheysweepmydimlylitroom.“I’mreallygoingtomisshavingyouhere.I’dkeepyouforeverifIcould,butyoudeservetohaveyourownlife.Youneedspacetogrow.”
Withmyfaceinherhands,shekissesmycheek.“Happybirthday,sweetheart.Iloveyou,andI’msoproudofyou.”CHAPTER3MISSING:PRINCESSBUBBLEGUM&THEWILLTOLIVEJENNIE
Everhaveanaggingfeelingyoudon’tbelong?
It’snotmyattire.NowheretobeonFridays,Ipreferminimallayersandlettingthegirlshangfree.Sothelackofpantsandbrafeelsperfectlyacceptable.I’mnotevenbotheredbythered-rimmedeyesandextra-knottedbunI’msporting.
It’stheapartment,sopristine,soputtogether.It’snothinglikemylife,ormyhead.
Theearlymorningsunshineisbright,bathingmynewspaceinasoftglow,warmingthehardwoodplanksbeneathmybarefeet.Foramoment,Iclosemyeyesandbaskinthefeeling,soakinginthewarmth.Iimagineit’showitfeelstobesolovedbysomeone,liketheirarmsarewrappedaroundyou,lightingyoufromtheinsideout.Foramoment,thesunshinefeelslikelove,andIliveinit.Foramoment,Icraveit.
I’mtreadingwatertoday,andtheculpritisthedamnphotoalbumonmykitchenisland,theoneIhaven’ttornmygazeoffsincemybirthdaylastweek.
Myeyesfalltothelaughlinesthatformcreasesaroundhiswidesmileandbrillianteyes.ThelongerIlookathim,thedadIlosteightyearsagotoday,thegood-byeInevergottosay,theharderitgetstobreathe.Mythroatburns,andmyteethsinkintomylowerliptostillthetremor.
MyhandsshakeasIturnawayfromtheonlyfaceIwanttoseeandsimultaneouslycan’tbeartolookat,andIlooktotheboxes.Therearetoomany,stackedintowersandliningmylivingroom.AllIwanttodoisburymyselfinthis,unpacking,makingmyselfathome.YetthemundanetaskpairedwiththecomplexwavesofgriefIstilldon’tunderstandafteralltheseyearsmixintoanugly,muddledrainbow.Idon’twanttogothroughboxes.Idon’twanttolookatpicturesandwishformorememorieswe’llnevermake.Iwanttocrawlbackintobed,pullthecoversovermyhead,andwakeuptomorrowwhenthisisallover.
Honestly?I’dtakeasmiletoo.Somethingsoftandgenuinetoremindmethere’sgoodinthisworld.
Coffeemightbethenextbestthing,andtheonlythingIcaneasilyaccess.SoIpullononeofmybrother’shockeyhoodies,stuffmyfeetintomyUGGs,andtrudgedownthehallandintotheelevator.
“Holdtheelevator,”avoicecalls,andIhammertheCloseDoorbuttonfiftytimesbeforeaheeledbootieshovesitswayinside.“Hi,neighbor,”theprettyblondefromacrossthehallsayswithabroad,sparklinggrin.“Thanksforwaiting.”
“Noproblem.”Mygazecoastsdown,takinginherlavishtrenchcoat,theredonthebottomofherbooties.
Louboutins?You’vegottobeshittingme.
Shepeelsoffaredleathergloveandoffersherhand,revealingimpeccablypolished,glossynails.“Emily.”
Islipmyhandintohers,tryingtohidethethree-week-oldDIYmani.“Jennie.”
“You’reGarrett’sfriend.”
Nope.“Andyou’rehisfuckbuddy.”
Shewinks.“OnlyondaysthatendinY.”Theelevatorstops,andEmilygivesmyforearmatendersqueeze.“I’mheadingdowntotheparkinggarage,soIthinkthisiswherewesaygood-bye.Sofuntomeetyou,Jennie.Seeyouaround.”
“Bye,Emma.”
Sheholdsmygaze,sugarysmileinplace.“Emily.Ontheoffchanceyoufindyourselffeelingforgetfulagain,you’lllikelyhearGarrettcallingitinthemiddleofthenight.”
Istickmytongueoutasshebeginstodisappearbehindtheclosingdoors,andshestickshersoutrightback.
Imean,ew.Haven’tIalreadysaidIdon’twanttoknowwhatthatmansoundslikewhenhecomes?IfullyplanonactinglikeIdon’tknowhimwhenIseehimaround.
Likerightnow.Fuck.
“Jennie?”
MyeyeslockwithGarrett’s,andmybodymovesfasterthaniteverhas,dartingbehindawall.Forgetaboutnotwantingtoseehimexitingmynewneighbor’sapartment,Idon’twanthimtoseemewhenIlooklikethis.I’vealreadybeenonthephonewithCarteroncethismorning,feedinghimsomebullshitabouthowfineIam.Hedidn’tbuyit,andreluctantlyagreedtopickmeuplatertonightfordinnerinsteadofcomingrightover.Idon’tneedmyappointedbabysitterrunningandblabbingtomybigbrotherthathislittlesisterisamess.
“Jennie?”Garrettcallsagain,closer.“Areyouhiding?YouknowIsawyoualready,right?”
Isqueezemyeyesshut,plasteringmyselftothewall.Whenathroatclears,Icrackonelid.
Theblondgiantofamanstandsinfrontofme,wearingtheexactsamehoodieasme,messyhairtuckedbeneathaballcap,andatrayofhotdrinksinhishandsfromtheverycaféI’mheadingto.Ashisgazerakesoverme,hisconcernedexpressionamplifies.
“Ohhey,Garrett.Didn’tseeyouthere.”Istraighten,tuggingatthehemofmyhoodie,andhiseyesfalltomypajamapants.Igestureatthedrinksandforceachuckle.“Didyougetoneforme?”
Hisstareholdsmine,browsknitting,andIcanhearthequestiononthetipofhistongue:Areyouokay?Herethinkshiswords,probablybecausehe’sterrifiedofmemostdays.“Uh,yeah,actually.”Hetucksonedrinkintohiselbowandholdsouttheremainingtwo.“Theseareforyou.”
Istareatthedrinks,thenhim.“What?”
“Foryou.”
“Idon’t…Idon’tunderstand.”
Garrettclearshisthroatintohisarm.“Iknowlastnightwasyourfirstnight,andIknowtoday…”HiseyesflickerasIswallow.“Iknowtodaymightbeahardday,soIthought…maybeyoucouldusesomecaffeine.ButthenIdidn’tknowifyouevenlikecoffee,soIgotyouahotchocolate,too,justincase.”Heplacesthetrayinmyhandsandpalmshisnape.“There’swhippedcreamonit.”
“That’s,um…”
“It’snobigdeal.Iwasthere,andIjustthought…coffee.”
“Ilikecoffee.Andhotchocolate.”Damnit,I’vegotalumpinmythroat.“Thankyou,Garrett.”
Hischeekssplitwithanexplosivegrin,lightinghiswholeface.It’ssoaddicting,Ialmostsmiletoo.“Cool.Yeah,cool.”Heflicksahandthroughtheair.“Yeah,noproblem.”
Garrettamblesbacktothelobby.Withnowhereelsetogo,Itrailalongbesidehim.
“So,uh,wherewereyougoing?”
Iholdupthedrinks.“Togetcoffee.”
“Inyourpajamas?”
“Yeah,inmypajamas.Yougotaproblemwiththat,buddy?”
Eyeswide,hewagshishead.Hehesitatesinfrontoftheelevator.“Sonowthatyouhaveyourcoffee,areyou…?”
“Goingbackup.”
“Oh.Metoo.”Hiseyesbouncefrommetotheelevator,backtome,thenthefloor,andwhentheylandonme,silencestretchesbetweenusforamomenttoolong.
“I’mgonnatakethestairs,”webothcalloutatthesametime,bumpingintoeachotherasweturntowardthestairexit.
“You’regonnawalkuptwenty-onefloors?”
Ipropafistonmyhip.“It’scalledexercise.Andyou’retwenty-fivefloorsup.What’syourexcuse,bigguy?”
“I’mscaredofelevators,”heblurts,thenflushes.
Ihikeabrow.“Really?”
“Yeah.Terrified.”Heswallows,lookingdownthehalltowardthestairs,andthendoestheoddestthing.“Oh,butactually…Ahhh.”Hegrabshiskneeandgroans.“Ihurtmyknee.BangeditwhenIwasgettingcoffee.”
“Wow.Maybeyoushouldtaketheelevator,then.”
“Mightbeforthebest.”Herubshiskneeandhissesinfakepain.“ThinkIcouldputmyfearasideforoneday.”
Isthisreallyhappening?Doesheknowhe’sashitactor?
TheelevatoropenswhenIpressthebutton,andIshovehiminside.“Thanksforthecoffee.AndGarrett?”
“Yeah?”
“Sticktoyourdayjob,bigguy.”
***
Thepackageinmyhandfeelsinsignificantnexttotheextravagantbouquetandextensivebreakfastspreadonthesmalltable,signsthatCarter’salreadybeenhere.IknowHankwillappreciatethegestureanyway.
“Isthatmyfavoritegirl?”
Ifollowhistiredvoice,findinghiminhisrockingchairbythewindow.
“Justme.”Ipopakissonhissmilingcheekbeforetakingaseatnexttohim.He’sgotagreatview,toweringtreesandgreenspace,thepeaksofthemountainsnotfaroffinthedistance,decoratingtheNorthVancouverskyline,eveninthemiddleofthisbleakfall
“Youaremyfavorite.Andyourmom.AndOlivia.LovemesomeCaratoo.”
“Hatetotellyou,Hank,butfavoriterequiresyoutoputoneofusabovetherest.”
Hefrowns.“YouknowIcan’t.Iloveyouall.”
“Andweallloveyou.”Isetthesmallboxonthetable,liftingthelid,andsweetcinnamonsugarinfiltratestheair.“Ibroughtyouacinnamonbun.”
HiseyesglitterasIcutthestickymessandleadonehandtotheplate,theothertoafork.“Youaremyfavorite.”Hegesturesbehindus.“Cartermadeyouacappuccinobeforeheleft.”
Ifindthewarmmugandwrapmyhandsaroundit,inhalingeagerly.Ismiledownatthecinnamonheartdustedoverthefoam.Carter’sallaboutbig,loudgestures,butsometimesit’sthesetiny,silentonesthatwarmmethemost.
Mindlesschatterfillsthenextfewminutes,andwhenwetakeamomenttoletthesilencelinger,Hankmurmurs,“Eightyearstoday.”
Isipmycappuccino,tryingtodrownthetightnessinmythroat.“Fifteenforyou.”
Heturnssomethingbetweenhisfingers,andmyheartlurcheswhenIseethedaintygoldband,thesolitairediamondsetinthemiddle.“MissmysweetIrelandeverydamnday.”
Hankenteredourlivesontheworstdayofours,andtheanniversaryofhis.Hiswife,Ireland,hadpassedsevenyearstothedayDaddied,andwehaveHank—andIreland—tothankforsavingCarter’slife.
Mybrotherwastaskedwiththeonerousjoboftakingcareofmeandmymomthatday.Impossibleasitwas,hediditeffortlessly.Myonlymemoriesrevolvearoundthefoodheforcedonus,thewayheheldusforhoursonendwhilewethoughtourworldwasending,carriedMomtobedwhenexhaustionfinallytookher,andlaidwithmeuntilmyeyesshut.
Thenextmorning,Ifoundhimpassedoutonthelivingroomcouch,HankandDublin—whowedidn’tknow—sittinginthecorneroftheroom.Hanktoldushowhe’ddreamtofhislatewife,urginghimoutofthehouse,andhourslatercameacrossCarteratabar,adrunk,incoherentmess,andstoppedhimfromdrivinghome,theveryactionthathadstolenourdadinthefirstplace.
Instoppingusfromlosinganotherpieceofourfamily,Hankbecamepartofit.
“Toolong,”isthewhisperthatfinallytumblesfrommylips.
“Buttheneverydaywithoutthemistoolong,isn’tit?”
MychestsqueezesasIimaginemymomrightnow.Iknowwhatshe’sdoing:thesamethingshedoeseveryyearonthisday.WearingDad’sfavoritesweaterbecausethesmellofhiscolognestillclingstoit,clutchingtheteddybearhewonheratthefairontheirfirstdate.Cryingandalone,untilherheartallowshertoopenaspacebigenoughtoletusbackin.She’lllaughandsmilelatertodaywhenwewatcholdhomemoviesandtellstories,butsheneedsherspacetogrievefirst.
“Livingwithoutyoursoulmateissomethingnooneshouldeverhavetodo,”Hankmurmurs.Hepatsmyhand.“Iknowthere’ssomethingextraspecialwaitingforyou,Jennie.Aloveabovealltherest.That’swhatasoulmateis.Someonewithsmoothedgestosoftenoursharpones.Someonewhofitsussoperfectly,vibratesonthesamefrequency,makesallourbestpartsshine.Andtogether?Together,everythingisexactlythewayit’smeanttobe.”
Iforceaneyeroll,laughingoffhispromise.“I’minnorush.Ilikebeingindependent.”
“Youcanbeindependentandstillsharealifewithsomeone.Yourbrotherdidn’tthinkhewantedtosharehislife,andnowlookathim.Hehasawifewithabeautifulsoul,ababyontheway,andthemancouldn’tbehappier.”
“Iknowwhatyou’redoing,oldman,butIdon’tneedaboyfriendtomakemehappy.”
“Idon’tthinkyoudoeither.Youmakeyourselfhappyallonyourown.Now,doIthinkfindingthatpersonwhomakesallthedarkspotsalittlebitbrighterwhentheyhelpyouholdthemmightopenyouuptoasideofthisworldyouhaven’tseen?”Heshrugs.“Maybe.”Abroadgrin.“DoIthinkyou’realotmorelikeyourbrotherthanyouletontobe,andyou’rescaredtoletsomeoneinbecauselovecanhurt?Absolutely.”
“Getouttahere.I’mnotscared.”
Iamterrified
It’snotthatIdon’tcravetheintimacy,thepersonwho’salwaysinyourcorner,whoseesyouwithallyourwallsdownandlikesyoueventhen.God,howIwouldn’tlovetofindsomeonewhosaweverything,accepteditall.Someoneallmyowntosharethehardthingswith.Maybethenallthosehardthingswouldfeelmanageable.
Thingis,though,whenyourolderbrotheristhecaptainofanNHLteam,wheneveryonewantsasliceofhim,it’simpossibletoseparatetherealfromthefake.Youwinduptrudgingtoodeep,leftallonyourownwhenyoufindyouweremerelyasteppingstone,thatnothingwaseverreal.Andtheonesyouthoughtcared?Whentheyblowyourworldup,theydon’tevenglancebackattherubbleandchaosleftbytheexplosion
It’ssafertohaveatight-knitcircle,afewpeopleyoucantrustwholeheartedly,thantorecklesslyletinanyonewhoasks,evenifitisalittlelonelysometimes.
Besides,whoneedsaboyfriendwhenyou’vegotadrawerfullofbattery-poweredones?Mendon’tvibrate,butdildosdo.
***
WhenImakeitbacktothecondoafterlunch,I’mexhausted.I’vefieldedmessagesfromCarter,Olivia,Cara,andSimonallmorning,constantlycheckinguponme.It’snice,butalot.
Ilockthedoorbehindme.thesoundofthedeadboltslidingintoplaceechoingthroughmyapartmentbeforefillingitwithsilence.
Silencemakesmyskincrawl.Itleavestoomuchroomforquestions,forwanderingthoughts,overthinking,andsecond-guessing.
Myeyescatchthatphotoalbum,andIletitpullmeforwarduntilallIcanseeishissmilingface,untilallthat’sflowingthroughmeisthedesperateurgetofeelthewarmthofhisloveinsteadofthissuddenoverwhelminglackofstrength,ofcontrol.
Icoverthephotoandclosemyeyesasmychestheaves,andforsomereason,Garrett’sfacefloatsthroughmymind.Iseehimstandingtherewithcoffeeandhotchocolate,thesmileheworejustforme,arealsmilethatmademefeelwarm.AndnowIfeelcoldagain,alone,andI’msofuckingtiredofbeingaloneinmyhardestmoments.
Slowly,Ispreadmyfingers,uncoveringthepicturealittleatatime.Thatpinkbunnystaresupatme,theoneclutchedtomychest,andIknowwhatIneed.Iknowhowtofindsomewarmthagain,tobringalittlepieceofhometomehere.
Withscissors,Islicethroughendlesspiecesoftape,boxafterbox,rippingopentheflaps,strewingthecontentsonthefloorasIsearchforPrincessBubblegum,apieceofmydadthatIcanholdonto.ThelongerIlook,themoremyhandsshake.Thescissorsbreak,andmychintrembles.Boxafterboxyieldsthesameheartbreakingresult:nobunny.
Isqueezemyeyesshutandshakemyhead,willingawaytheweaknessthatcomesintheformIhatemost.
Irarelylosecontrol.Ofmybody,myemotions.Iavoidsituationsthatbringpainoruncertainties.Ishould’vestayedhome;homewhereI’msurroundedbythememories,homewithmymom.Instead,I’mhere,alone.
Idumpouttheboxbeforeme,theonelabeledbedroom,andwhennothingpinkfallsout,Isinktomykneesandletthetearscome.CHAPTER4IT’SRAININGDILDOSGARRETT
“Nnnewwwm.”
“Nnnewm!”
“Nnneeewm!”
“Forfuck’ssake.”Adam’ssolidbodyconnectswithmine,knockingmeintoCarter.Hesandwichesthetwoofusbetweenhimandtheboards.“Wouldyoutwoshutthefuckup?Enoughwiththesoundeffects.You’renotfuckingracecars.”
ItuckmygloveundermyarmandnabAdam’swaterbottlefromwhereit’scradledontopofthenet.WaterdribblesdownmyneckandbeneathmychestprotectorasIsquirtitintomymouth.“You’rejustjealous’causeyoucan’tskateasfastasus.”
Adamshiftshismaskupandstealshiswaterback.“WhenI’mwearingfiftypoundsofgoalieequipment?No,Ican’t,andIhighlydoubteitherofyoucould.”
Carter’schestpuffs.“Icoulddoit.”
Adamsnorts.“Okay,bud.Whateveryousay.”
“What?Icould.Strapmeup;let’shavearace.”
Isnicker.“Strapmeup.That’swhatOlliesaid.”
“Boom.”Emmettknockshisglovedfistoffmineashelaughs.“Justdon’ttellherIlaughedatthat.She’sathousandtimesscarierpregnant.”
Carterdoesn’tappeartofinditfunny.Withabattlecrythatechoesacrosstherink,hetacklesmetotheice,smotheringmyfacewithhisglove.
“Getoffme!”Iyell,flailingmyarms.“Adam!Help!”
“JesusChrist,”Coachmutters,sprayinguswithashoweroficewhenhestopsnexttous.“SometimesIthinkI’mcoachingpeewee,notmen’sprofessionalhockey.Mydaughterismoregrown-upthanyoutwo,andshe’saninfant.”Hesnapshisfingersandgesturesbehindhim.“Beckett,Andersen,offyourassesandgivemefivelaps.”
Carterrollstohisfeetandtugsmeup.“Raceya.”
Ishakethesnowfrommyjersey.“You’resounnecessarilycompetitive.”
“Yeah,andI—”
“Loserbuyslunch!”FrostyairnipsatmycheeksasIteardowntheice,Carterhotonmyheels,holleringafterme.Andthat’sexactlyhow,twohourslater,IwindupfacedowninapileofchickenwingsandpizzaIdon’thavetopayfor,withCarterstillgivingmethestinkeye,grumblingaboutcheating.
“Youdon’tknowhowtolose,”Emmetttellshim,droppinganentiresliceofpizzainhismouth.“Notagoodtrait.”
“Ididn’tlose!Hecheated!”Cartergrabstheslicefrommyhand.“Gimmethat.”
Adamslidesanothersliceontomyplate.“Jennieallmovedintohernewplace?”
Carternods.“Movedinyesterday.”Hisgazemeetsmine.“Youseeherthismorning?”
Idon’tlieoften—thismorningexcluded,whenImayormaynothavesaidIwasafraidofelevators,andthatIhurtmyknee—andI’mshitatit.ButtherewassomethingvulnerableinJennie’seyestoday,somethingsadanduncertainhiddenbehindherusualboldness.Somethingthatsaidshedidn’twantanyonetoseeheranythinglessthanconfident,notthewayherchintrembled,thewaysheswallowedwhenImentionedtheday,orthewayshehadn’tbotheredtodress.
SoIlie.Again.
“Ihaven’tseenher.”
“Ithoughtyoumightifyouweresneakingouttayourfriend’splaceagain.”
Heatclawsupmyneck.“Iwasn’tsneakingout,andIhaven’tbeenthereagain.”
“Finallygotlaid,eh,buddy?”Emmettclinkshisglassagainstmine.
“Issleepingwithsomeonewholivesinyourbuildingagoodidea?”AmusementandconcernmixinAdam’squestion.“Orisitserious?”
“It’snotserious.Andweweren’treallysleepingtogether.”AtthelooksIget,Irelent.“Okay,butitwasonlyacoupletimes.It’shardtomeetgirls.Allyouguyswannadoislookatpicturesofyourwivesandtalkabouthowtheirhairsmellslikebananabreadorsomeshit.You’reallpussy-whipped.”
“Adamiswhippedbynopussy,”Carterretorts.“He’safreeman,andthankfuckforthat.”
Adamchuckles,hischeekspink.“WishIcouldbeabetterwingmanforyou.I’mjustnotreallyreadyforarelationship.”
Cartershovesadeep-friedpickleintohismouth.“Youcouldjustfuck,likeGarrett.”
“I’mnot—”Iburymyfaceinmyhands.“Ugh.”
Hepointsatmewithhishalf-eatenpickle.“Jenniewasnotimpressedwithyou,bytheway.”
“What?Why?”Stupidquestion.Betweentheweddingandtherun-inatthecondo,I’vemadelessthanstellarimpressions.I’mhopingtodayfixedthat,evenifmyoriginalplanwastoleavethedrinksoutsideherdoorandnevertellhertheywerefromme.
“Somethingaboutnotwantingtobesubjectedtoyoufuckingherneighbor.”
It’sCarter’sfault,butthenitalmostalwaysis.Hadhetoldmethey’dbethere,Iabsolutelywouldn’thavebeenatEmily’s.Fuck,hehadn’teventoldmehissisterwasmovingin.Thewomanturnsmeonwhilesimultaneouslyscaringmeshitlesswithonlythelookinhereyes,whichisalwayssuperfuckingferocious,andnowIhavetoliesowedon’twindupintheelevatortogether.
Carterfisheshisringingphoneoutofhispocket.“Speakofthedevil.Hey,Jennie.Wewerejusttalk—”Hissmilefalls.“Whoa,holdon.Whyareyoucrying?Takeadeepbreath.”Herunsafrantichandthroughhishair,tugging.“Idon’tknowhowto—Idon’t—howcanI—Idon’tknowhowtohelpyoufromhere,”hefinallysettleson,halfscream,andhiseyesgetwiderthelongerhelistenstoJennie’sfranticrambling.
Myexperienceindealingwithupsetfemalesisextremelylimitedtomythreeyoungersisters.Ascomplicatedastheyare,Idon’tthinktheyeventipthescale.Still,Ifindmyselfmurmuring,“Remindhertobreathe,”toCarter.
Henods.“Okay,Jennie.Takeadeepbreath.”Heinhalesdeeply,overandover,windinghishandinacircleasifJenniecanseehim.“Okay,good.Nowtellmeagain.”Hisbrowstugtogether.“PrincessBubblegum?”
Mybeerslidesdownthewrongtube,andIcough,sputteringintomyhand.
“Idon’tknowwherePrincessBubblegumis.”Cartersighs.“We’llfindher,’kay?Ipromise.She’sgottabearoundsomewhere.”
I’monmyfourthsliceofpizzawhenCarterhangsupthecall,explainingaboutJennie’smissingstuffedanimal,theonetheirdadgother,andIknowthesecondhesetsthosepuppydogeyesonmethatI’mfucked.Royallyfucked
Ishakemyheadbeforeheevenopenshismouth.
“Please,”hebegs.
“Aw,man.”Ifoldoverthetable.“C’mon.”
“Justcheckonheronyourwayup.Justaminute.Shewouldn’tstopcrying.”
“Shedoesn’tevenlikeme!Shehatesme!”
“Shelovesyou!”
“Youdidn’teventrytomakeitsoundconvincing!”Islumpinmychair.“She’snotgonnawannaseeme.Probablythrowapillowatmyheadorsomething.”
“Nah.”Cartergrins.“It’stheheelsyougottawatchoutfor.”
***
WhatamIdoing?
Stupidcondo.StupidCarter.
No,I’mnotdoingit.I’mnotgoing.Irefuse.Cartercan’tmakeme.AndJenniewon’tknowifIdon’tgo.It’snotlikeCarter’sgonnatellherhesentmetocheckuponher.
It’sdecided.Iwon’tgo.Ipressforthepenthouseandsinkbackagainsttheelevatorwallwitharelievedsigh
Iwatchthelightabovethedoorsbouncefromonefloortothenext,andasitclimbstowardthat21,Igroan.
IslamtheemergencystopbuttonthemomentIpassJennie’sfloor,catchingmyselfontherailingwhentheelevatorbouncestoastop.ItwhirstolifewhenIhititasecondtime,andIjab21justonce,niceandhard,anddragmyhandsovermyface.
Aminutelater,I’vegotmyhockeybagovermyshoulder,sticksinmyhand,andearpressedtoJennie’sdoor.ThesilenceI’mmetwithconvincesmeeverything’sokay.MaybeshefoundPrincessJellybean.
AwhimperstopsmeinmytrackswhenIturntoleave.Thebrokensobthatfollowstugsonmyweakheartstrings.Withasigh,Ituckmysticksundermyarmandknock.
“Goaway!”Jennieshoutsfrominside.
“Uh,I…um…”Wordsfail,soIknockagain,quieterthistime,’causeI’mafraidtopissheroff.
“Isaidgoa—”Thedoorwhipsopen.Jennie’sjawdanglesasshestaresatme.Herlightviolet-blueeyesseempalerthanusual,therimaroundthemdarklikemidnight,thecontraststriking.Liketheskinaroundhereyes,hernoseispink,lipsswollenandhighlykissable.
No.Nope.No,they’refuckingnot,Garrett.
“Uh,hi.”AmIwaving?Fuck.Offtoanawkwardstart;great.
Jenniehiccups,draggingthebackofherwristacrosshereyes.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Uh,Cartersaid—”
“OhmyGod!Mybrothersentyoutocheckuponme?Unbelievable.”Sheslamsherhipagainstthedoor,proppingitopen,butit’sthearmspinnedoverherchestthatareanissue.She’swearingforestgreenleggingsandamatchingsportsbra—astarkcontrastfromheroversizedhoodieandjammiesthismorning.Mygazebouncesbetweenhercleavageandhertonedstomach.Whyisn’tshewearingashirt?Sheshouldputashirton.
“Youshould…ashirt.Please?”Whyisthishappeningtome?
Darkbrowsrocketupherforehead.“Oh,you’dlikemetoputonashirt?Wouldthatpleaseyou?Well,I’dlikeyoutogetfuckinglost!”She’sscreamingbutstillcrying,swipingatthetearsfree-fallingdownhercheeks,soit’skindamorefunnythanscary.
Untilshepinsmewithaglowersofierce,thatsmilecreepingupmyfacedrops.
“Right.Yourhome.Noshirt.”AmIgivingherfingerguns?I’mfuckinggivingherfingerguns.Igripmystickwithbothhandstopreventanyfurtherembarrassingactions.“Carterdidn’tsendmetocheckuponyou,”Ilie.“WegrabbedlunchafterpracticeandhesaidyoulostPrincessJellybean,andIthought—”
“PrincessJellybean?It’sPrincessBubblegum!Ugh!”Armsintheair,shespinsaway.
Fuckme,thoseleggings.Thatfuckingass.It’snotuntilitstartsdisappearingfromviewthatIrealizeshe’sslammingthedoorinmyface.
Flingingmyselfforward,Ibarrelthroughthedoorwithmyhockeybag,tumblinginside.JenniegruntsasIaccidentallysandwichherbetweenmeandthewall.Myarmgoesaroundher,pullinghertightagainstmetokeepherfromgoingdown.
“Getoffme.”Shehuffs,shovingagainstmychest.“Wrongapartment,fuckboy.Yourhockeyhookerlivesacrossthehall.”
Myfaceflames.“She’snotmy—I’mnota…”
Jenniesniffles,chestheavingasshestaresupatme.Sheshovesmeoncemore,gently,butmyfeetstayrooted.Thatdancer’sbodyshe’sworkedsohardonissculptedperfection,butI’vegotclosetoahundredpoundsofimmovablebodymassonher.
Myhandslipstoherbarewaist,grippingittokeephersteadywhileIstraighten.“I’mnotlookingforEmily,andshe’snotmy…”Iclearmythroat.“Hockeyhooker.”
Jenniedustsoffherboobs.Niceboobs.Nodust,though.“That’snotwhatshesaid.”Shecleanstheremainingtearsoffherface.“Whatareyoudoinghere,Andersen?”
“CartersaidyouwereupsetaboutPrincessJell—Bubblegum.Iwaspassingbyandwantedtoseeifyouwereokay.”Itakeinthemessinthelivingroom,boxesrippedopen,contentsstrewnacrossthefloor.“How’sthesearchgoin’?”
Jenniefiddleswithherbraid,scuffingatthefloorwithhertoes.“Ican’tfindher.I’veonlygotafewboxeslefthere,andacoupleinthesparebedroom.”
“Hmm.”Ishovemyfingersbelowmyhatandscratchmyhead,pretendingnottonoticethewayJennie’seyestrackthemovement.I’vealwaysbeenfascinatedbyher.She’sbeautiful,andsheknowsit.Thickchestnutwaves,almostalwaystiedbackinabraid,finishedwitharibbon.Kindatall,Ithink.Five-eight,maybe,stillawholelotshorterthanme.Long-asslegsIwouldn’tmindwrappingaroundmyneck,drapingdownmyback.Abrilliant,widegrinwithheart-stoppingdimples,andafiercepersonality,soboldandconfident.
Butwhenhereyesmeetmine,it’sthedashedhopeinthemthatpromptsmynextwords.
“I’llhelpyoulook.”
“What?”HernosewrinklesasIdropmyequipment,thedamp,sweatystenchwaftinguptous.“Youdon’tneedtodothat.”
“Sure,butIdon’tmind.”Imovepasther,choosingastackofboxesbeforeshecanarguemore.Pickingupthesteakkniferestingontop,ItwirlitbetweenmyfingersandglanceatJennieasshewatchesmecautiously,fingerscurlingatherstomach.“PoorPrincessBubblegummightneedstitcheswhenyou’redonewithherifthisiswhatyou’reusingtoopenboxes.”
IswearIseeit,rightthereinthecorner,theteensiesthintofasmile.Beforeitcanbloom,Jennie’slipsflatten,andsheslowlystepstowardme.
“IbrokethescissorsbecauseIwasjabbingtheboxestoohard.”Shetwirlsherbraidaroundherfinger.“Uh,thanks.Forhelping,orwhatever.”
“You’rewelcome.”
IquicklyslicethetapeonalltheboxessoIcantucktheknifeaway,andwesortthrougheachoneinsilence,onlythequietmusicJenniehasplayingonherspeakerdriftingthroughtheroom.
“WhatkindofstuffieisPrincessBubblegum,anyway?”Iask,flippingthroughaboxofphotoframes.It’sthelastboxinmystack,andtheairhasgrownheavierwitheachone.
Jenniedoesn’trespond.Ifindherstaringatherbox,knucklesnearlywhiteasshegripsit,coaxingmeslowlyinherdirection.
“Hey.Youokay?”
“She’sapinkbunny,”shewhispers.“Mydadgotherformeformysixthbirthday.She’sgotaribbononeachearanda-a—”sheholdsherarmsout,thumbsandforefingerspinchedtogetherlikeshe’sgrippingthehemofaskirt,“—apinktutu!”Shechokesonherwords,buryinghersobandfaceinherhands,andIraceacrosstheroom,armsoutstretched.
Iskidtoastopinfrontofher,resistingtheurgetotouchher.“You’recryingagain.”Stupid.Ofcourseshe’scrying.Shedoesn’tneedmetopointouttheobvious.
“I’mnotcrying,”shecries,jabbingafingerintomychest.“You’recrying!”
Riiight…
“Uh,doyouneeda…hug?”Cautiously,Iinchtowardher,openingmyarmsinslowmotion.Shemight,like,bite.Idon’tknowhowthisshitworks.MysistersarealotyoungerthanJennie;theirproblemsareeasilysolvedwithhugs.
Jennie’saBeckett.Ifshe’sanythinglikeherolderbrother,there’sagoodchanceherproblemsaresolvedwithOreosandorgasms.Ididn’tcomepreparedwithcookies,andI’dideallyliketokeepmyballsrightwheretheyare:attachedtomyfuckingbody.
“What?”Herchintrembles.“Idon’t…I…”Shegroans,stomps,andballsherfistsupasherchestheaves.“Garrett.”
“C’mon,Jennie.”
Takingherhandsinmine,Igentlyguideherintome.Shecomeswillingly,draggingherassaboutitthough,andIwrapmyarmsaroundher.Shesmellsnice,intoxicating,vanillaandcinnamonandcoffee.Whenshecarefullyslipsherarmsaroundmymiddleandlayshercheekovermyheart,Ifindoutshefeelsnicetoo.Warmandsoft,likewhenmymomusedtomicrowavemyunderwearonthoseextra-coldeastcoastwintermornings.
“Attagirl,”Imurmur,palmglidingdownherback.It’smeanttobesoothing,butIforgotshe’sonlywearingasportsbra,somyfingersdanceoverherbareflesh,andbothofusgorigid
JenniepushesawayatthesametimeIrocketbackward,andIripmyhatoff,buryingmyhandinmyhair.
“I’ll,uh…”Ithumbdownthehall.“I’llchecktheboxesinthesparebedroom.”
“Yeah.”Shenods.“Yeah,cool.Goodidea.Youdothat,andI’ll…stay.”
MycasualstrollturnstoamaddashwhenIroundthecornerintothehall.Insidethebedroom,Ipressmybacktothewallandbreathedeeply.Thisisadisaster.ThesoonerIgetoutofhere,thebetter.
Thereareonlyfourboxes,andIgothroughthefirsttwoinnotime.WhenIgettothethird,theonelabeledtoys,Igrintriumphantly,rippingatthetape.
“Aha.”Thisisit;thisisthebox.Ifthisdoesn’tputmeinJennie’sgoodbooks,nothingwill.“HereIcome,PrincessBubbleg—ah!Holyfuck!”Iflipthetopdownandscreambloodymurder.“Help!”
“What?”Jennieslidesintothebedroom,breathless,eyeswild.“DidyoufindPrincessBubble—Garrett!”Herhandsgotoherface.She’sscreeching.IthinkI’mcrying.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“LookingforPrincessBubblegum!”Ishout.TheboxI’mcrushingagainstmychest,theonefilledwithdildosandvibrators,rumblesandshakes,comingalive.
“She’snotinthere!”
“Spoileralert,Jennie:Ifuckingknowthat!”
“Thisboxisprivate!”Jenniechargesatme,squishingtheboxbetweenus.Somethingstartsvibrating,tryingtojumpout,andIthinkImightbesick.“Youshouldn’thavetouchedit!”
“Whywouldyoulabelaboxofsextoystoys?”Ishriekback.Mybackhurtsandmyfacefeelsreallyhot.Idon’tlikeit.
“Whatelsewouldyoucallthem?”Shetriestoprytheboxfrommy—forsomereasonunwilling—hands.Abattleoftugofwarpromptlyensues,theboxricochetingbetweenus.“Give…it…back!”
Iyanktheboxcloser—why?—andJennietumblesforward,plasteringthethreeofus—me,her,andthebox—againstthewall.Shehuffs,puffs,andpulls.Hard
Theboxripsapartattheseams,themostbeautifulrainbowofdildosandvibratorsflyingthroughtheairbetweenusin—IsweartoGod—slowfuckingmotion.Jennie’seyeslockwithmine,wideandhorrified,asaparticularlymeatyfuckerwithasuctioncupbaseslapsmeacrosstheface.Itclatterstotheground,thelengthofit—whythehellisitsodamnlong?—pumpingupanddownandwindingincircles,spinningaroundthehardwoodlikeabadbreak-dancer.
Jennie’sshriekisnothingshortofbloodcurdling.Withbothhands,sheshovesmealongthewall,outofthebedroom,downthehall.“Out!”Hertinyfistspummelmychest.“Getout!”
“I’mfuckinggoing!”Itripovermyhockeybag,collidingwiththewall.Scramblingtomyfeet,Iwhipthedooropen,tossmyshitintothehall,andallbutthrowmyselfoutofJennie’sapartmentbeforethedoorcanhitmeintheassonthewayout.
“Holyfuckingshit,”Imutter,swipingthedamphairoffmyforehead.Ihavenoideawheremyhatwent,butI’msureashellnotgoingbackintofindit.
I’malmosttotheelevatorwhenadoorcreaks,andmyhearthammersatJennie’stimidwhisper.
“Garrett?”
Iglanceovermyshoulder,findingthatfaintflashofviolet-bluepeekingthroughthecrackinthedoor.“Yeah?”
Shelicksherlips,dropshergaze,andIbarelycatchherwordsbeforesheslamsthedoor.“Thanksforthehug.”
Iscrubmyhandsdownmyface.“Well,I’mfuckingdead.”CHAPTER5GOLDENDICKINGJENNIE
I’mlosingcountofhowmanydaysI’vesatmindlesslyinarowlately,wonderingwhatI’mdoingwithmylife.
HereIam,inmylastclassofthedayonaThursdayafternoon,readyfortheweekendtostart.I’minmyfinalyearatSFU,abouttograduatewithabacheloroffinearts,amajorindance,andthequalificationstoteachit.I’mtwenty-fouryearsold,andthedreamI’veworkedtowardmyentirelife,pouredeverythinginto,isfinallywithinreach
Andyetthislifebarelyfeelslikemine.Thatfutureonstage?NotsosureIwantit.
TheonlythingI’mcertainaboutwantingispizza.Andmaybethecutecorgicurrentlyhoppingaroundinthegrassinthevideoonmylaptop.AlotofmyproblemswouldalsobesolvedbylocatingPrincessBubblegumtoo.
“That’sit,everyone.Haveagreatweekend.”
TheYouTubecompilationvideooffunniestdogsdisappearsasIshutmylaptopandtuckitintomybagatmyteacher’swrap-upcall.
“MissBeckett.”Leah,myteacher,smilesandpointstothedoor.“CanIwalkwithyou?”
“’Course.What’sup?”
“MyfriendfromTorontowasvisitinglastweekend.”
Iwink.“Didyougetalittlewild?”
Leahrollshereyes.She’sonlyfouryearsolderthanme,andIoncesawherinabarafteroneofmybrother’shockeygames.Shewaswastedandstraddlingadefenseman.Herglossyeyesweremortifiedwhentheymetmine,andherentirefaceglowedablushingbrown.Apparently,Yougo,GlenCoco,wasn’ttherightthingformetosay,thoughIstillbegtodiffer.Watchingyourteacherfaceplantasshescramblestoclimboffamassivehockeyplayerisfunnyashell.ShewasstillwearingsunglasseswhenshecametoclassthefollowingMonday,andwhenIopenedmymouthtosaysomethingtotallyuncalledfor,sheslappedherpalmoverit.
She’smyfavoriteteacher,andshe’dbeyourstoo.
“Okay,fine.Igotalittlewild.”Sheslipsahandoverhermouth,leaningcloser.“Oneword:quarterback.”
“Didyoushowhimhowflexibleyouare?”
“Thatiswildlyinappropriate,MissBeckett.”ShestopsmeasIreachforthedoortothedancestudio,eyeswideandplayful,andholdsherhandsout,agoodfootbetweenthem.Shepokestheinsideofhercheekandmouths,Fuckingmassive
Irespondwithasilentscream.LeahandIgripeachother’sarmsaswebounceexcitedlyinplace.Apairofprofessorsslow,castingcuriousglancesourway,andLeahpromptlyreleasesmeandclearsherthroatbeforewedashaheadintothestudio.
It’squietinhere,justthewayIlikeit,andahappyhumstartsinmychest.
Islipmyshoesandsweateroffbeforesinkingdowntoabench.“Whatdidyouwannatalktomeabout,ProfessorNaughty?”
“So,Monicawasdownlastweek—”
“Monica?MonicafromTheNationalBalletinToronto,Monica?ThatMonica?”
“ThatMonica.They’relookingtoaddanotherteachertotheirfaculty.”
“Wow.That’sincredible.”Ispentmyfirstthreeyearsofthisfive-yearprogramattheTorontocampus,followingtheteachersaroundlikeIwaslivinginmyowndreamland,dazedandinlovewitheverymomentofit.Ineverwantedtoleave,butthat’showtheprogramworks:threeyearsthereandtwohere.Plus,myfamilywashere.Theyarehere.IlovedTorontobuthatedtheacheinmychest.“Simonwillbethrilled.”
“Sure,butSimonwasn’tmyrecommendation.”
Ipause,meetingLeah’sexcitedgaze.“Youdidn’t.”
“Idid.”
“Really?Me?”MybagspillstothefloorwhenIrockettomyfeet.“Butwhy?”
“Whatdoyoumeanwhy?You’rethemostbeautifuldancerI’veseeninyears,Jennie.”
Igesturelazilyatmyface.“It’stheBeckettdimplesandcharminggrin.We’reirresistible.”
Leahsnickersandswatsmyshoulder.“YouknowwhatImean.Youdanceflawlessly,likeyouwereborntodoit.You’realsohardworking,determined,kind,andalwayswillingtohelpotherslearn.You’dmakeanamazingteacher,Jennie,andtheopportunitiesforyouthereasaprofessionaldancerareendless.”
Aprofessionaldancer?InToronto?Myheartpatterswithexcitementandpridethatshethoughtofme,butdreadtwistsmystomach.
“Idon’tknow…”Turningaway,Iscoopmythingsoffthefloor,tuckingtheminmybag.
“Jennie.”Leahripsmybagfrommyhands,stealingmyattention.“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tknow?”
Withasigh,Imeetherstare.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Itellsomeonethetruth.“I’mnotsureit’swhatIwant.Myfamilyishere.”
“Familiesliveapartsometimes.Yourbrotherisn’teveninthecountryforhalftheyear.Theywon’tholditagainstyouifyoutakethis.”
Ofcoursethey’dwantmetofollowmydreams.ButI’mnotsuremydreamsinvolvememovingawayfromtheonlypeopleI’vebeensureofmyentirelife,theonlyonesItrusttolovemeforme.Vancouverispartofme,thisincredibleplacethat’sshapedmylife.NomatterhowmuchIlovedToronto,I’munsureit’swhereIbelong.
“Ireallyappreciateyouthinkingofme,Leah,”Itellher.“WhenwouldIneedtodecideby?”
“You’dhavetoflydowninthespringtomeetwiththefaculty.They’dneedyourdecisionbytheendofterm.Theywantsomeonethereforthesummersemester,Jennie.You’dbestartingrightaftergraduation.”
“SoIhavetimetothinkaboutit?”
“Ofcourse.”Shetiltsherhead,smilecurious.“Areyoureallynotsureaboutthis?”
“Justgettingalittleanxious,Ithink.Abouteverything,youknow?Graduation,gettingolder,moving…itfeelslikeanewlife.”
“Sometimesafreshstartisexactlywhatweneed.”Leahsqueezesmyshoulder.“Promisemeyou’llgiveitsomeseriousthought.”
IpromiseIwill,butit’snotasafeplaceformymindtogetstuckrightnow;itcanbeeasyformetogetlostupthere.SowhenLeahleavesmeinthestudio,IthrowonmyheadphonesandturnthemusicloudenoughtodrownoutincessantthoughtsaboutafutureI’mnotsureof.
There’sacertainfreedomthatcomeswithdancingwhennobody’slooking.EveryworryaboutchoicesI’mnotreadytomakemeltsawayasthebeatcarriesmeacrossthestudio,mybodymovingeffortlesslyintunewiththemusic.Aheavyweightseemstoliftfrommyshouldersasmyeyesclose,andthetempopushesmeforward,lettingmechasefreedomatmyownpace.
Largehandscirclemywaist,startlingmybreathfrommylungs.MyheartsettlesbackinmychestwhenSimon’seyeslockwithmineashegentlyshiftsmyheadphonesoff.
“Relax,”hemurmurs.“Justme.”
“Ithoughteveryonehadgonehome.”Istarttodislodgefromhisgrasp.“I’llletyouhavethespace.”
Hisgriptightensashepullsmybackflushwithhischest.“Dancewithme.”
BeforeIcandecline,Simonqueuesmyfavoritesong.
“C’mon,Jennie.Letmehaveyouoncemorebeforetheweekend.”
“You’renotplayingfairwiththesongchoice,”Imumble,hishandsguidingmyhips,therhythmofourbodiesmovingasJamesArthur’ssmoothvoicedrenchestheairaroundus,singingabouthowfastheandhisloverarefallinginlove.
“Don’tthinkIknowhowtoplayfairwithyou.”Hesweepsmybraidovermyshoulder,fingersbrushingacrossmyskin,makingitpebble.
Look,Imightbeimmunetohischarms,butIwon’tdenythat—despitetheepiclevelofdouchebaggerythismanexudeslikeahornyteenageboywhothinksdousinghimselfincologneistheequivalentofashower—theguyisattractive.Simonistallandlean,impeccablytonedfromalifeofdancingandintenseworkouts,ofdisciplinedeatingandnevertakingabreak.Hislightbrownhairhangslongerontop,alwaysperfectlystyled,blueeyesforeversmilinginthatboyish,mischievouswaythathasyouwonderingwhathe’supto.
Ifwehadn’tbeenpartnersforthelastfouryearsandI’dbeenemotionallyavailable,Imighthavemadeadecisionofhorrendouslyepicproportionsandlethimintomypants.ThereweretimesI’dbeenhornyenoughtoconsiderit.
ThenIshookthestupidaway,loadedupmyfavoriteLovehoneycartwithsomeexcitingnewtoys,andremindedmyselfIcouldfuckmebetterthananyguycould.
Andtrustme,Ido
“I’vebeenthinkingabouttheValentine’sDayshow,”Simonstarts.
“Valentine’sDay?It’sNovember,buddy.”
Hischucklerollsdownmyneck.“Ithinkweshouldusethissong.”
“Youhatethissong.”
“Nottrue.Ilikeitbecauseyoulikeit.”
Islipawayfromhim,fingerstrailingdownhisarmtowhereheholdsme.IcanfeelhiseyesonmeasIspin,andthenhe’sthere,pullingmerightbackin.Withease,heliftsmeabovehishead,fluidlikealways.We’reoneonthedancefloor,Simonandme.
Ipranceacrossthefloor,SimontrailingmeasIquietlysingalongwithJamesArthur.Ilovethepicturethissongpaintsofalovesoirresistibleit’slikegravitydoesn’texistintheirworld,demandingtheyfallhardandfast,justlikethename:“FallingLikeTheStars.”Andyet,despitethefall,thewaytheycan’tavoiditorslowitdown,they’resafe.
Iknowthattypeofloveexists;I’veseenitwithmyowneyes.
I’mjustnotsureitexistsforeveryone.
Simonpullsmeagainsthim,lipsattheshellofmyearashewhisperslyricsthatfeeltoointimate,leavemefeelinguneasy,andIdon’tknowwhy.
Thenhetwirlsmearound,fingerscurlingaroundmyhipsasheforcesmebackward.Blooddrumsinmyearsattheferallookinhiseyes,andwhenIstumbleovermyfeet,hepressesmeagainstthecoldwall.
“Simon,whatareyoudoing?”
Cuppingmyjaw,hetiltsmyfacetohis.“Whatdoesitlooklike?”
“Idon’tthinkthisisagoodidea,”Itrygently,palmsonhischesttokeephimatbay.“Let’ssaygood-bye.”
“Youthinktoomuch,Jennie.That’syourproblem.Justthisonce,letyourselffeel.”
Ifeeljustfine,that’sexactlywhyIknowthisdoesn’tfeelright,andwhenhislipsdescend,brushingacrossmine,Iliftmyknee,accidentallyshovingitinhisballs.
Oops.
Simoncriesout,grabbinghiscrotch.“Whatthehell,Jennie?”
“Isaidno,”Igrindout,shovingagainsthim.Onehandisstillgrippingmywaist,andIgotumblingwithhim,trippingoverhislegsonmywaydown.Iyelpatthesharpstingradiatingthroughmyankle,clutchingitasIspewarecordamountofcursewords.
“Whatthefuckwasthatfor?”Simon’sonhisback,stillgrabbinghisjunk,rollingaroundlikeaturtlewhocan’tgetup.“Ithoughtwewerehavingamoment!”
“DidyouthinkthatafterIsaiditwasn’tagoodidea?Thatweshouldsaygood-bye?”Iscrambletomyfeet,nabbingmythingsasfuriousheatrollsthroughme.“Noteverybodywantstofuckyou,Simon!We’refriends.Wewillneverbemorethanfriends.Acceptit,orwe’redone.”
Myanklebucklesundertheweightitnolongerwantstobear,andtearsoffuryprickleattheshootingpainasIstormacrossthestudio.Thesoundofthedoorbangingbehindmeechoesthroughtheemptyhallway.
Ifthisassholefuckedupmyankle,I’mgoingtoscream.
***
“Mother…fucking…fuck!”Islamthecardoorbeforeleaningthroughtheopenwindow,smilingatmyUberdriver.“Thankyousomuch,Matthew.Haveagreatnight.”
Hissmileiswobbly,eyeswidewithfear.“Goodnight,ma’am.”
Closingmyeyesandinhalingdeeply,Iturntowardthemini-mansioninfrontofme.Withsomethinglikesevenfireplaces,it’snotallthatmini.Whoneedsthatmanyfireplaces,youask?Myostentatious-as-fuckbrother,apparently
Thefrontdooropens,revealingOlivia,handsonherbellyasshebiteshergrinback.“ThoughtIheardmywonderfulsister-in-law.Mouthofanangel,Iswear.”ShegesturesatmyfootasIhobbletowardher.“Dancinginjury?”
“SimonSyphilisinflicted.”
Shepullsaface.“Youneedrepellant.”
Fuckingtellmeaboutit
Inside,Igiveherasqueeze.“Hey,Pip.”
Oliviafrowns,crossingherarmsoverherchestwhenIreleaseher.She’ssotiny.Pairedwiththepregnancy,it’simpossibleforhertolookasangryasCarterandImakeher.Shelooksmoreadorablethananything.
“I’mnotsureI’mafanofthisnewnickname.”
“Butit’sperfect.You’reeveryone’sfavoritepip-squeak.”
There’satallblondesittingonthekitchenisland,onelonglegslungovertheother.Carahopsdownwithagrin,swallowingmeinherhold.“Icalledherashrimpearlierandshetriedtopullmyhair.She’safeistymamawiththesepregnancyhormones.ThrewahissyfitwhenIkeptheratbaywithmyhandonherforehead.”
“Yougonnahavethosehormonessoonorwhat?’CauseI’mscaredofyouasitis.Ineedtomentallypreparemyself.”
Caralaughs,thenfrowns,nibblingthetipofherthumbnail.Shehuffs,andthatfrownturnsintoafull-blownpout.“Notyet.EmmettsaysifIsitonhisdickonemoretimewithoutabreaklongerthantwelvehours,it’sgonnafalloff.Apparently,‘I’llkissitbetter’isn’tthecorrectresponse.”
“It’searlystill,”Oliviaremindshergently.“Giveitsometime.”
Caradrawsapatternonthemarblecountertop.“Iknow.Guessit’smessingwithmyheadthatCarterknockedyouupbyaccidentandithasn’thappenedforusyetdespitetheendlesssexandthefuckingcalendars.”Sherunsherteethalongherlowerlip,eyeshooded.“NotthatImindallthetrying.I’dridethatmanintooblivion.He’sgotadickmadeofgold.”
“Thanksforthementalimage,”Imurmur,pouringmyselfaglassofwater.
Shegrins.“Whenareyougonnagetyourselfyourowngoldendick?They’remagical,promise.JustaskOllie.”
“NopartofmewantstoknowaboutOllie’sexperiencewithwhatever’sbetweenmybrother’slegs.”
“Agreed.”Oliviafollowsmetothecouch,thenstartspaintingherlipswiththeendsofherhair,afarawaylookinhereyes.“Butifwecould,like,talkaboutitforonelittleminute…”Shegivesmepuppyeyes,andbeforeIcanprotest,shegoeson.“It’sjustthatCarter’sbeensogen—”
“Babe!”Thefrontdoorslamsopen,voicespouringintothehouse,andthreesecondslaterCarter’sslidingintotheroom,chestheavinginhisthree-piecesuit.“GuesswhatIgot!”Heripsopenasmallshoebox,tossesittothefloor,andholdsupthetiniestpairofhockeyskatesI’veeverseen.“Lookhowcutetheseare!”Hisgrinissowide,andhe’snearlyvibrating.“Cutestskatesforthecutestbaby!”
“I’mnotsureBabyBeckettwillbeabletostand,letaloneskate,whenthosefit.”
“That’swhatIsaid,Ol,”Emmettsaysashestrollsin.HekissesCara’scheekandslapsahandtoherass.“Toldhimnottobotherwastinghismoney.Hesaidhewasrichandboughtthemanyway.”
AdamclapsCarter’sshoulder.“Leavehimalone.He’saprouddad-to-be.”Hesmilesatme.“Hey,Jennie.How’sthenewplace?ToobadyougotGarrettforaneighbor,huh?”
BeforeIcananswer,themaninquestioncomesinchingdownthehallwayattheliteralpaceofasnail.WhereI’muneasyaboutseeinghimafterthedildofiasco,helooksdownrightterrified,earsalreadybrightred,throatbobbing,eyeswideastheypinballaroundtheroom,landingeverywherebutonme.
Heclearshisthroat,tuggingonthewristofhissuitjacket.“Wetalkin’’boutthebabyskates?”
“Actually,weweretalkingaboutthegoldendickingJennieneeds.”
TheteensyskatesfallfromCarter’shandsatCara’swords,liketheglassofwaterdoesfrommine.Imanagetocatchitbeforeithitstheground,butnotbeforesoakingmytop.
“No,weweren’t!”IyellatthesametimeCartershrieks,“Jenniedoesn’tneedadicking!”
CaraandEmmettcackle,andAdam’sbusypattingGarrett’sback.
Becausethemaniskeeledover,chokingonhisowndamnspit,andI’mabouttopunchhimrightinthenutsifhedoesn’treelitthefuckin.
Ihatehim.Ihatehimsomuch.Himandhislopsided,happysmile,andhisstupidblondhair,alwaysabeautiful,perfectdisaster.
Whenhefinallyremembershowtobreathe,hisfrightenedeyeslandonme.
Iwishtheyhadn’t.Why,youask?
Everhadaboxfullofrubberdicksexplodeinfrontofasuper-hothockeyplayer?Everhadoneofthemslaphimrightintheface?No?Justme?
Cool.
Well,anyway.That’swhy.
“Jennieneedssomeonetorollaroundwith,”Caracontinues.“Havesomefunandliveitupwhileshe’syoungandsingle.”
“Nofun!”Carter’sstillscreaming.“Jenniedoesn’tneedtohavefun!”
“Whataboutyourdancepartner?”
Cartergasps.“NotSteve.”
“Simon,”Oliviaremindshim.
“Iwillbreakhim,Jennie.Breakhissoul.Crushhisballs.”Cartersqueezestheair,orrather,Simon’simaginaryballs.
IcheckmynailswhileCarterfinishesoneofhisoverprotectivedad-brobullshitspiels.“Areyoudone?”
Heleansclose.“TwinkleToeswillneverdanceagain.”
“Great.”Standing,Igestureatmysoakedtop.“CanIborrowashirt,Ollie?Ican’tgotothegamewithasee-throughshirtandablackbra.”
“No,youcannot,”Carteragreesaggressively,stillworkedupaboutthecasualfunI’mnotevenhaving.
Withaneyeroll,IfollowOliviaoutoftheroom.
“Myeyesareonmyface,Andersen,”ImutterasIbrushbyGarrett,notingthewayhisgazeisgluedtomychest.Inwardly,Ismileashischeeksheatlikeavolcanobeforehedropshisstaretohisfancyshoes.He’ssodamnawkward;teasinghimistooeasy.
NinetypercentofOlivia’sshirtsareborderingoncroptoplengthduetotheseveralinchesIhaveonher,sotheVipersteeIsettleonelicitsaglarefrommybrotherloadedwithafucktonofdisapprovalwhenImeethimdownstairs.
“Wannaborrowasweatertoo?”heasks.“Youcanwearoneofmine.”
“Nothanks.”
“Youmightbecold.”
“It’swarminthearena.”
“Icanseeyourbellybutton.”
“Icanseethatyoureyeswork.”
“Fuckingsisters,”Cartergrumbles,addingsomethingaboutwanderingeyesanddeadteammatesasheyanksopenthedoortothegarage.Ithinkhewasdoomedtobethisoverprotective,thatitcamewiththeterritoryoftryingtofillmydad’sshoes,makingsureInevergethurt.
Hedoesn’thavemuchtoworryaboutanyway.Ineverletanyonecloseenough.
Carterglancesbackatmeastheboysstarttofilterout,andhisgazesoftensasGarrettapproaches.“GarretttoldmehehelpedyoulookforPrincessBubblegum.”Hepecksmycheek.“We’llkeeplooking.”
Hestepsintothegarage,leavingGarrettstandingtherelikeadeerinheadlights.
“Isthatright?”Imurmur,chinlifting.“WhatelsedidGarrettsay?’
“Nothing,”Garrettpromiseshastily,handsupbetweenuslikeheneedsprotection.“Nothing,Jennie,Iswear.Iwouldn’t—Iwouldnevertellhim—”
“Tellhimwhat?”
Hisjawdangles,fingersplowingthroughhishair.“Nothing?’Causethere’snothingtotell.SoIwouldn’ttellhim…anything.”
Ismile.Garrettstares,mouthopeningandclosingoverandover,likehecan’tfindthewordshe’slookingfor.That’sokay,becauseI’mtryingtopretendIdon’tnoticethewayhefillsouthisslim-fittingburgundysuit,howthejacketstretchesacrosshisbroadshoulders.Histhick,mile-longlegsleaddowntoapairofcognacleathershoes,andmygazelingerstoolongonthatmessyhair,thewayitreallyrampsupthefuckmefactor.Ihaveanurgetoburymyfingersinit,holdontightwhileItakehisprettyfaceforaride.
Igestureathismidnightbluetie,looseandtoofartotheleft.“Yourtieisamess.”
“What?”Hiseyesdip.“Oh.Yeah.Okay.Thanks.”Hefiddleswiththeknot,andmybrowsjumpatthewayhesomehowmanagestomakeitsomuchworse.“Good?”
Ishakemyhead,takingthesilkinmyhand,tugginghimtowardme.Hecomestumblingforward,bighandsswallowingupmywaisttocatchhimself.
“Sorry!”Hedropshishold,staringathishands.“Sosorry.”
Iunknothistie,fixeachlength,crossingandloopingthematerial.
“Thankyou,”hemurmurs.“Howdidyoulearnhowtodothat?”
Memoriesfloodofmesnuggledinmyparents’bed,watchingmydadknothistie,sliponhissuitjacket,fixhissleeves.“Watchedmydadgetreadyforworkeverymorning.”
Garrett’seyesflickerbeforehisgazefalls,lockingwithmine.“I’msorrywedidn’tfindPrincessBubblegum.”
“Therewasalockettoo.”ThewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeIcanstopthem,andIdropmygazetothespacebetweenus.
“What?”
Thetipsofmyfingersflutterovermycollarbonewherethegoldusedtorest.“Alocket.Aheart,withapictureofmydadandI.PrincessBubblegumwaswearingit.”Iswallowthememory,flappingahandthroughtheair.Garrettdodgesitbeforeitcanslaphimacrosstheface,muchlikemydildo.“It’snobigdeal.”It’sahugedeal.“I’llbefine.”I’mnotokay.
“Maybeit’sstillatyourmom’s,”heoffersgently.
It’snot;I’velooked.
Correction:I’vetornthehouseapartseveraltimes,definitelynotwhilesobbing.Mompromisedshe’dkeepaneyeout,butIjustknowshe’sgoneforgood.Lostsomewherebetweenthehouseandthecondo.RecognitionthatImayneveragainseesomethingsospecialtomeunfurlsarawachedeepinmystomach.Iquelltheurgetoplacemyhandsoverthepain.
Athroatclears,drawingoureyestowhereCaraandOliviawait,staring.It’satthispointIrealizeI’vefinishedtheknotlongagoandamnowjuststandingherewithGarrett’stieinonehand,hisfacemereinchesfrommine.
Droppingthetie,Istepback.
“Uh,IguessI’ll…”Garrettthumbstowardthegarage,whereCarterisscreamingforhimtohurryup.“Seeyouguysatthegame.”Histendergazemovesovermeoncemore.“I’msorryaboutyournecklace.”Warmfingersgrazemine,asqueezesogentleIcan’tbesureit’sreal,andthenhe’sgone.
“Thatwasinteresting,”Caramusesashedisappears.
OlivialicksanOreo.“Superinteresting.”
Istrolltothefridge,hidingmyface.“Whatwasinteresting?”
Caragrins.“Ohlook,Liv.Jennie’splayingclueless.”
“Imagineallthepossibilities.”
“Dangerouspossibilities.”
“Carterwouldbelivid.
“Weshouldvideotapehisreaction.”
Ishutthefridgeandstrutdownthehall.
“Whereyougoing?”Caracalls.
“Bathroom.”
IhearthesmileinhervoicerightbeforeIlockmyselfaway.
“Ifyouthinkthebathroomisgoingtosaveyoufrommerightnow,sweet,na?veJennie,you’remoredelusionalthanIthought.”CHAPTER6DONGRIDES&CONCUSSIONSJENNIE
“We’rereallynotgonnatalkaboutit?”CarashovesanotherhandfulofSkittlesandM&M’sintohermouth.I’veneverbeenmoredisgustedinmyentirelife.
“Canyounot?”
“What?”Anotherblasphemoushandful.“NottalkaboutGarrettpotentiallytakingyouforagoldendongride?”
Mynosewrinkles.“Didyoureallyjustsaydong?”
“Ireallyjustsaiddong.BetGarrett’spackingsomeseriousheat.Infact,Iguaranteeit.I’vegotthefour-one-oneonallthedongsdownthere.”Shegesturestowheretheteamiswarmingup,firingpucksoffatAdam,passingbackandforthwitheachother,orifyou’reCarter,grinningatOliviawhilechompingonpinkbubblegum.“Em’smassive,obviously.SobigIcan’twalkstraightfordayswhenI’vepissedhimoffonpurposejustsohe’llhate-fuckme.”ShegesturesatCarter.“Mediocreatbest.”
Oliviasnorts.“Please.”
“Adam’sourgentlegiant,buthe’ssecretlypackingaweaponofmassdestruction.He’sdefinitelygonnaputhisfuturewifeyinawheelchair.”
“Cara!”Oliviadunksapopcornkernelinacontainerofnachocheesesauce,tossesitback,andhumshappily.Pregnancycravings,Iguess.
“AndGarrett…Imean,justlookathim.”Carawavesherhandinhisdirection,andGarrettcatchesthemotion,lookingaway,thenbackquickly.Evenfromhere,Iseehischeeksflamewhenherealizeshe’sthetopicofconversation.“Suchacutie.HewastheshyestthingwhenIfirstmethim.”
“He’sstillshy,”Ipointout.It’sunnerving.Igrewupwithabrotherwhoneverfilteredhiswords.NowhereIam,speakingmostofmythoughtsoutloud,censorshiplost.Havingtoguesswhat’sgoingthroughsomeone’smindistiring.
Carashakesherhead.“He’sshyaroundyoubecausehethinksyou’rehot.ThesafestbetistointeractwithyouaslittleaspossiblesoCarterdoesn’tcatchon.Betthatman’sarealfreakbetweenthesheets.”Anotheratrocioushandful,pairedwithabrowpump.“Youshouldfindout.”
“Absolutelynot.”WhenIplantmyshoesontheglassinfrontofme,Ihissattheradiatingpaininmyankle.It’sdefinitelysprained,andnowI’llhavetousemyotherfoottokickSimonintheballsnexttimeIseehim.
“He’snotmytype,”IcontinueaboutGarrett.NevermindthatCarterwouldneverallowmetodateoneofhisfriendsorteammates.I’llhaveahardenoughtimebringinganynormalmanhomeoneday.IfIevermeetone,thatis.
Truthbetold,Idon’tcareallthatmuch.I’vebeensinglevirtuallyallmyadultlife,andbattery-poweredtoyshavebeenanoutstandingsubstitute.Replacingthemwithamanalmostseemslikeanunnecessarydowngrade.
“Tellyouwhat.IfyoucanguaranteeGarrettdoes,infact,haveagoldendong,I’llconsidertakingitforaride.”
Cara’ssmilewidens.“Really?”
“No.”Maybe.
Oliviahuffsalongsighandrubsherbelly.“Icoulduseagooddongride.”Shelaysahandonmyarmthemomentmygroanbegins.“Don’tgetmewrong.It’sgood.Great.Italwaysis.”
“Fantastic.Iwasdefinitelywondering.”
“Buthe’sbeensogentlelately.”
Carahammersafisttoherchestasshefoldsforward,chokingonhersnack.“Pleasetellmehe’sthetypeofdadwhothinkshe’llpokehisbabyintheeyeifhe’snotcareful.”
“He’stakentowarningthebabyeverytimewe’reabouttohavesex.”Oliviascrubsahandoverherexhaustedexpression.“Okay,littlebuddy.Daddy’scomingin.Makesureyoumoveallthewaytotheback.”Herwidebrowneyesarefullofdisbelief.“It’stheanxiouschucklingthatreallygetsme,andeverytimeImove,hestopsandasksifI’mokay.Ijust…Ineedhimtofuckme,youknow?Reallyfuckme.”Sheshiftsinherseat.“Thisbaby’smakingmehornyashell.”
Carapokesmycheek.“Quitactinglikeyou’regonnavomit.”
“Imight.”
Oliviasnickersbeforesmilingsoftly.“CartersaidGarretthelpedyoulookforyourstuffie.Thatwasniceofhim.”
“Yeah,Ithinkhereallyregretsthat.”
“Whywouldheregretthat?”
“BecausehegotslappedacrossthefacebyIndianaBones,”Imumblearoundtwopiecesoflicorice.
“Who’sIndianaB—”Cara’squestiondies,wordshangingintheair,beforesheexplodeswithahowlsoloudtheboyslookupfromtheice.“FortheloveoffuckingGod,tellmeyouslappedGarrettinthefacewithadildonamedIndianaBones,please,Jennie.”
“Ididn’tslaphiminthefacewithit.Wefoughtovertheboxitwasin,theboxdied,andIndianaBonessoaredthroughtheairandkinda…youknow.”Iflopmyhandaroundbeforesmackingthebackofitagainstmycheek.“It’shisownfault.Heshouldn’thavebeenlooking.”
Throughthelaughter,Oliviaasks,“Whatthehellpromptedhimtolookthroughthatbox?”
Ishrug.“Itmight’vebeenlabeledtoys.”
“Ah.”Shesmirks.“Andhewaslookingforastuffedanimal,sohemadealogicaldecision.”
“Ohlook!Timefortheanthem.”Ispringfrommyseat.“Conversation’sover.”
Talkofdildos,dongs,andgood,harddickingsthatapparentlyOliviaandIarebothindesperateneedofareputonthebackburnerasthegamestarts.We’replayingourbiggestrival.GameslikethisrequireundividedattentionsoIcanshoutobscenitiesattherefeverytimehemissessomething.
“Ohcomeon,ref!”IleaptomyfeetasWashington’scentremanslipshisstickbetweenGarrett’slegs,sendinghimflyingforward.
“Doesyourwifeknowyou’refuckingus?”Carascreamsastherefereecontinuestoignoretheobviouspenalty.
IslaptheglassasGarrettclimbstohisfeet,givinghisheadashake.“Hey,ref!Mightwannacheckyourvoicemail!Lookslikeyoumissedafewcalls!”
Theplayonlystopswhenthebuzzerblares,signalingtheendofthesecondperiod,andCartergetsupcloseandpersonalwiththetrip-happydipshitwhohasn’tdemonstratedanyrealskillsofar.Whateverhesayshasthecentremanshovingagainsthim,andCarterglidesawaywithashit-eatinggrin.
Problemis,CaraandIhavebigmouths,andwe’restillpissedoff.Countlesscallsandshould-bepenaltieshavebeenmissed.We’redownbyone,butweshouldn’tbe.
“Hey,ref!”Carahollers.“Wantapregnancytest?’Causeyou’vemissedtwofuckingperiods!”
“Getoffyourknees!”Iyellasheskatesby.“You’reblowingthefuckinggame!”
Oliviaburiesherfaceinherhands,partlytohideherlaughter,partlybecauseshe’sembarrassed.EverytimeherfacewindsuponTV,herhighschoolstudentshaveaheydeywithit.HerTVappearancesareneverherfault.Thefaultliesinahumiliatinggoaldedicationfromherhusband,ortroubleCaraandIstart.
Bythetimewe’vereachedthelastfiveminutesofthegame,thingshaven’timproved.Washingtonisplayingdirty,therefismissingcallsleft,right,andcenter,andCaraflashedhimtwoaggressivemiddlefingersandtoldhimtoshovethemuphisass.Onapositivenote,Emmetthasmanagedtotiethegameup.
AdefensemandigsthepuckoutofthecornerandspotsGarrettuptheboards,openandwaiting.HefiresthepuckuptheiceandGarretttakesofflikelightningasEmmettandCarterraceuphissides,clearingthewayforhim.
Everyone’sshrieking,cheeringhimon,andthattwatcentermanfromearlierhopsoffhisbench,tradingspotswithsomeoneontheice.Carterbeelinesforhim,holleringawarningtoGarrett,whowindsup.Hisstickcomesbackwardbeforesendingthepuckwhizzingrightbythegoalie’sheadandintothenet
ThesoundofthebuzzerislosttothecollectivegaspthatstealsthebreathofeveryfaninRogersArenaasthecenterman’sbodyconnectswithGarrett’sfrombehind,crushinghimintotheboardsheadfirst.
Garrettgoeslimp,two-hundred-pluspoundsofdeadweightdroppingtotheice.
Silenceroars,playerscirclingourright-winger,medicsontheirkneestendingtohim.
“He’snotgettingup,”Carawhispers.“Whyisn’thegettingup?Somebodyhelphim!”
“C’mon,Garrett,”Imutter,thetipofmythumbnailbetweenmyteeth.“Getup.”
Hedoesn’t,though.Hedoesn’tmoveamuscle,sprawledoutontheice,andfearspreadsthroughmeintheformofadrenaline.
“Tossthatassholeout!”Iscreamintothesilence,shakingtheglassasGarrett’slimpbodyisliftedontoastretcher.Thecentermaninquestionmeetsmygaze,entirelytoorelaxedaboutsendingsomeonetothehospital.“WeplayrealhockeyinCanada,youfuckingwiener!”
Hesmiles,wigglinghisglovedfingersatme,andit’sinthatmomentCarterthrowshisstickdown,whipshisglovesoff,tosseshishelmettotheice,andpounces.
Thearenaeruptsasthebenchesempty,playersrushingtheice,equipmentandfistseverywhere.Everyoneisshrieking,andthere’satinypregnantwomantryingtophysicallyrestrainmeandCaratopreventusfromjoiningin.
Atleastshedoesn’thavetoworryaboutherfaceonTV.
***
It’snearlymidnightwhenthefrontdooropens.OliviaquicklyfinishesslatheringherOreowithpeanutbutterbeforepoppingitinhermouthandleapingoffthecouch.
Carter,Emmett,andAdamfilterintothelivingroomonebyone,allofthem—shockingly—grinningeartoear.
Carterhasanastysplitdownthecenterofhisswollenlip,andEmmetthasthebeginningofashiner.EvenAdamhasapuffy,redcheekbone.Helookshappiestofall.
“Inevergetinfights!Mydad’ssoproudofmeforplowingtheothergoalieintotheboards!”Herunsapalmdownhispuffedchest.“Saysherecordedittoshowallhisfriends.”
Oliviahandshimabagofice.“Don’tmakeitahabit,Mr.Lockwood.Yourfaceistoopretty.”
Garrettappearsattheedgeofthedarkhallwaywithasheepishsmile,thefaintestofshadowspaintingtheskinaroundhiseyes,exhaustedbutstillbright.
Caraembraceshim.“Howareyoufeeling,Gare-Bear?”
Heshoveshishandsinhispockets,shoulderspoppingupanddown.“Okay.Justtiredandabitofaheadache.Amildconcussion.Offforthenextweek,atleast.”
Caragripshisface,turningitleftandright.“Whydoyouhaveblackeyes?”Sheslapsherhandstohermouth.“Didsomeonepunchyouafteryouweretakenoffonthestretcher?Whowoulddothat?”Sheslingsherpurseoverhershoulderandstartsstalkingaway.“Em,let’sgo.I’mgonnariptheirpunyballsoffandhangthemfrommyrearviewmirrorlikeaprize.”
“Reinitin,Mrs.Brodie.”Emmetttakesherelbow,stoppingherstomp-off.“Itcanhappenwhenyouhitthebackofyourhead.Garehithisprettyhard.”
“Oh.Right.Okaythen.”Shesinkstothecouch,drapingonelegovertheother,armscrossed.“Istillwannacastratethem.”
Herufflesherhair.“Iknowyoudo,tiger.”
Carterlookstome.“ItoldGarrettyou’ddrivehimhome.”
“What?Idon’thavea—”
“Inhiscar.Hedrovehereearlier.”
Iopenmymouthtoobject—Icannotbealonewiththisman;hesawmyextensivetoycollectionlasttime,soitcanonlygodownhillfromhere—butCartersilencesmewithafiercelook.
“Hecan’tdrive,andyouliveinthesamebuilding.”
Right.Yeah.Garrett’sslightfrownatmyless-than-stellarreactiontugsatmyheart.“Whendidyouwannaleave?”
Hepalmsthebackofhisneck.“Uh,now?Ifthat’sokaywithyou,Imean.”
Nodding,IstandandcatchCara’seyeasshemouths,Getthatdicktome.IfliphertheslybirdwhilehuggingOlivia,thenhobbletowardGarrett.
“Doyouneedhelp?”weaskeachotheratthesametime.
Mynosescrunches.“WhywouldIneedhelp?”
Hegesturesatmyfoot.“You’vebeenlimpingallnight.”
Icrossmyarms.“Youhaveaconcussion.”
“I’mfine,”heassuresme.
“Well,soamI.”
Iseeit,rightthereinthecornerofhismouth,thetiniesthintofasmile,andIcommittobeingaspleasantaspossiblefortheentiretyofthetwenty-minutedrive.
UntilIseehiscar.
“Whatthefuckisthis?”
“AnAudiRSFiveSportback.”Smiling,herubshischest,likethiscarishisprideandjoy.“Fullyloaded.”
“That’s,like,asixty-thousand-dollarcar.”I’mborderlinescreaming.
“Ninety-four,”hemurmurs.
“Garrett!”Definitelyscreaming.“Ican’tdrivethis!”
Heopensthedoorforme.“You’llbefine.”
“Fine,”Imimiconachokedlaugh.“Fine,hesays.Ha.”
Handpressedtomylowerback,heguidesmeforward.“Getinthecar,Jennie.”
Ido,butwithagroan.MyseatrocksbackandforthwithjerkingmovementsasIfiddlewiththebuttons,adjustingtheposition.“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.Whyisn’tthisworking?”Ithrowmyarmsup.“See?Evenyourcardoesn’twantmedriving.”
Garrettchuckles,crouchingdowntofixtheseatforme,peeringatmefrombeneathstupidlythickeyelashes.“Good?”heasksquietly.
Igripthesteeringwheel,avertingmygaze.“Uh-huh.”
“Allrighty.”Heclimbsinbesideme.“Let’sgo.”
AndgoIdo,thecarrocketingforwardasIsqueal,andIslamonthebrakesattheendofthelongdriveway,Garrettcatchinghimselfonthedashboard,toqueflyingoffhishead.
“Jesusfuck.”Wideeyesmeetmine,andthefearisso,soreal.“Whatthehellwasthat?”
“Ihaven’tdriveninawhile!Igetanxiousinthesnow!”
“We’renotevenontheroadyet!”
“Iknow!”
Hestudiesmeforalongmomentbeforehisteethnabhislowerlip,stoppinghislaugh.“Justtakeitniceandslow.We’llbefine.”Relaxinginhisseat,hecloseshiseyesandsighs.“Anddon’tcrashmycar,oryou’llbeworkingitoffhoweverIdeemfit.”
Myjawhangs.
Hecracksonelidandasleepysmile.“Justkidding.”
Theridehomeisquietandpeaceful.Fiveminutesin,IthinkGarrett’sfallenasleep.Hislegsarespreadwide,longarmsbetweenthem,headthrownbackontherest,andhehasn’tmadeasinglesound.Badidea.Don’tIneedsupervision?
Myfavoritesongcomesoverthestereosystem,andeventhoughIfuckedmyankleduringitonlyhoursagowhileSimontriedtoforeverruinthissongforme,Ihumalongquietly,singingthewordsundermybreath.“WithyouI’msafe…”Iglanceovermyshoulderbeforeshiftinglanes,approachingtheparkinggarage.“We’refall—”Jawclamping,IblushwhenIcatchGarrett’seyesonme.“Sorry.”
Hedoesn’tsayanything,justreachesoverme,gettingupinmyspace.Myskinsizzleswithoutpermission,andmyheartbeatdropsbetweenmythighs,becausehe’shotasballsandhesmellsniceandhe’ssoclose.Butallhedoesispressthebuttononthevisorabovemyhead,makingthegaragedoorspringopen.
“Overthere,”hemurmurs,pointing.“Ninety-seven.”
Ipullintothespotandcuttheengine.Garretttowshisequipmentfromthetrunk,andit’snotuntilheopensmydoorandoffersmehishandthatIrealizeI’vejustbeensitting,watching
Islipmyhandintohis.It’sbigandwarmandswallowsmineupforonlyamoment.
Hetrailsbehindme,andIhissinagonyasIclimbthesinglesteptothewalkway,wheretheelevatoris.Hishandtouchesmylowerbackasheguidesmeintotheelevator,andsomethinghotunravelsinsidemeashestandsoppositeme,studying.
“Whathappened?Toyourankle?”
“Oh,I…”Istickmyfootout,movingitinaslowcircle,andgritmyteethatthetendernesswhileIsearchforalie.“Justtrippedovermybagatschooltoday.”
Hehumslowly,aclearindicationhethinksit’sbullshit,buthedoesn’tpush.
Theelevatorstopsonmyfloor,andIgiveGarrettasmallwave.
Hefollowsme.
“Whereareyougoing?”Ilooktothedooracrossthehall,andannoyancepricklesmynape.He’sgotaconcussionforfuck’ssake.Buthey:“Maybeshe’lldressupandplaynurse.”
Hisbrowsliftatthebiteinmytone.“Justwalkingyoutoyourdoor,sunshine.”
“Oh.Oops.”
“Yeah.Oops.”Silencestretches.“Thanksfordrivingmehome.”
“Yeah.Ofcourse.Ifyouneedanything,helporwhatever…youknowwhereIam.”
“Thanks,Jennie.Justgonnatakeaswimandheadtobed.I’llbefine.”
“Aswim?”Apropafistonmyhip.“Didn’tthedoctortellyoutotakeiteasy?Noworkingout.”
“It’snotaworkout.”
“Swimmingisphysicalactivitythatacceleratesyourheartbeat.Itisaworkout,youpylon.”
Hislipsquirk.“Didyoujustcallmeapylon?”
“Yeah,well,thisisn’toneofyourbrightestideas.”Myhipjutswithattitude;I’vealwayshadafucktonofit.“Whatifsomethinghappenswhileyou’reinthewater?”
Hesighs,slippingahandunderhistoquetoscratchhishead.“Look,Jennie,Ifeelfine.It’saprecautionmorethananything.I’mnotgonnadoanyvigorousswimming.Ijustwannarelaxabit,loosenmymuscles.”Atmycrossedarmsandpursedlips,hegrins.“Ifyou’resoconcerned,whydon’tyoucomewithme?”
“You’dlikethat,wouldn’tyou?”Isnap.
Idon’tcatchhisresponse.Hemuttersitfrombehindthehandhescrubsoverhismouth,buthalf-naked,hard,andgonnakillmearedefinitelypartofit.
“Lookatitthisway:Carterwantedmetobeyourbabysitter,nowyoucanbemine.Wedon’thavetotalk.C’mon,Jennie.Iwon’tbelong.”
Ihuff,unlockingmydoor,thenspinbacktohim.“Waitasecond.Wehaveapool?”
“Acrossfromthegym.”
“Wehaveagym?”
“Forthetoptwofloors,”headmitssheepishly,thengrins.“Icangiveyoumycodesoyoucanusethemwheneveryouwant.”
“You’redamnrightyou’regivingmethatcode.”Ipropthedooropenwithmyhip.“Ihavetogetchanged.Wanttowaitinhere?”
ThewayhisfacelightsupatthesimplicityofmeacceptinghisoffermakesmewonderifhecravescompanythesamewayIdo.“You’recoming?”
IfI’mbeinghonest,Iabsolutelywanttoseehimmostlynakedandsoakingwet.AmentalflickpickIcanfileawayinmyFlickapediaforfutureusage.
Liketonight.
Yes,I’m100percentgonnaflickittotheimageofGarrettAndersen.Sueme.
“Well,duh,Garrett.Idon’twantyoutodrown.”CHAPTER7WEGETIT;YOU’REHOTJENNIE
ShouldIpayattentiontotheglaringneonsigninmyhead,theoneblinkingBADIDEA!?
Maybe.
Ideally.
AmIgoingtothough?Pfft.Don’tberidiculous.
WhenIstepoutofmybedroom,Garrett’sshockedstarelandsonme.“Whatthehellareyouwearing?”
“What,this?”Fluffy,microfleecerobebetweenmyfingers,Ispin.“Myrobeandslippers.”
NotsurewhatreactionIexpected,butitwasn’thimkeeledover,slappinghiskneewhilehowlingwithlaughter.
“Youlooklikemymom,”hechokesout.Hepointsatmyoutfit,myrobecoveredinballerinadogs,mydogslipperswithfloppyears,andopenshismouth.Insteadofspeaking,heshakeshisheadandlaughsagain,loud,obnoxious,andirritating.“Holyfuck.”
“Yeah,well,yourmommustbehotashellthen.”Istompby,chuckingthehatheleftherepost–dildodebacleathishead.“Here’syourhat,Gare-Bear.”
Hecacklessomemore,followingasIstruttotheelevator.
IfIthoughtmycondowasincredible,it’snothingcomparedtoGarrett’s.Hispenthouseisflawless,openandsprawling,abreathtakingmixofoldindustrialandmodern,withhighexposedceilings,brickwalls,andslatemarblecounters.Withtheeast-facingwallmadeentirelyofglass,hemustgetamazingnaturallightandonehellofasunrise.
“Ready?”
Ispin,stoppingshortwhenIspyhim.
“OhmyGod,”Icackle.“Whatthehellareyouwearing?”
Hisgriniselectric,dippedinmirthandarrogance,astarkcontrasttothesheepishhalfsmileInormallygetfromhim.“Myrobeandslippers,”heparrotsback.Themanevenpunctuateshissentencewithasmughippop.
“Myrobeactuallycoversmybody.You…that…”Igestureathissky-highsilkrobe,thewayitshowsofftoomuch—andyetsomehownotenough—ofhismuscularthighs.“Ican’t.Youlookridiculous.”
“Ilookhotasfuck.”Heushersmystill-laughingassintothehall.“Cartergotustheseasajokefortheirwedding.Wehadaphotoshoot.”
“Ineedthepictures.”Itughiselbow.“Please.”
“Noway,sunshine.I’mneverlettinganyoneseethem.”
“ButI’vealreadyseenyouinthis,”Iargue,ignoringthenicknameasheleadsmeuponeflightofstairs.I’mprettysureheonlycallsmeittogetundermyskin.Thesmellofchlorinefillstheairastheflooropenstoabeautifulpool,thecitybelowuslightingupthedarkVancouverskylinethroughtheendlesswindows.
“Andwithanyluck,you’llforgetwhatIlooklikeinthis.”
“Nope.Nothappening.Burnedintomymemory,whereitwillremain,forever.”Alongwithanotherimage,whichisGarrettde-robingwhilestaringatmewithagoofy,lopsidedsmile.
IswallowmygroanasherevealsthemostimmaculatebodyI’veeverlaideyeson.
He’spristine,allcordedarmsandcarvedmuscles,leadingdowntoalean,taperedwaist,andabathingsuitthatdoesnothingtodisguisethefactthatCarawas,unfortunately,verycorrect:theweaponthismaniscarryingisbigenoughtodestroyasmallcountry.It’sbeenanunholynumberofyearssinceI’vebeenintimatewithsomebody,andthere’sapartofme—averyminusculepart—thatwouldn’tmindbeingthatsmallcountry.
Slidingoffmyrobeandslippers,IsetthemnexttoGarrett’sthingsonthebench.WhenIturnbacktohim,Ifindhiseyeslockedonme.
Histhroatbobs,gazeheatingasitfalls,slowtocomebackup.Inamomentofweakness,Ireachformyrobe,desperatetocovermyselfbackup.
“ItakebackwhatIsaidearlier,”hewhispers,haltingmyactions.“Youdefinitelydonotlooklikemymom.”Hiseyeswiden,headwagging,likehedidn’tmeantosaythatoutloud.Hegesturesatmewithonehand,theotherinhishair.“Imean,youhaveabellybuttonring.”Hesmasheshislipstogether.“No.No,that’snotwhatI…Iwasn’t…”Hecovershisfacewithbothhands,draggingthemdowninslowmotion.“Aaah…”
Well,thisisinteresting.Also,I’mnolongerfeelinginsecure.Thankyou,Mr.Andersen.
Tomostpeople,I’msimplyCarterBeckett’slittlesister.Iseethestrugglethere,theexpressionGarrettwears.I’mmyownperson,buthe’sremindedthatI’muntouchablebynature,becauseofmybrother.There’saphysicalattraction,onehe’sbattlingwith.
Still,whenIclimbintothehottub,Garrett’sheadmovesbetweenmeandthepool,fivewholedamntimes,likehecan’tdecidehowclosehe’sallowedtobetome.Irestmyheadandclosemyeyessothathecanmakethedecisionwithoutwhateverpressurehefeelshe’scurrentlyunder,andaminutelaterIhearthequietlappingofwater.
Crackingalid,IwatchGarrettswimupanddownthelengthofthepool,andIresisttheurgetosnort.Notaworkout,myass.
Contentinknowinghe’snotgoingtodie,Iturnthemassagejetsonhigh,enjoythewaythepaininmyankledissipates,andrelaxwithahappysigh.
Idon’tknowhowlongit’sbeenwhenacool,damphandlandsonmyshoulder,joltingmeawakewithagasp,andGarrett’sturquoiseeyespeerintomine
“Sorry.Didn’tmeantoscareyou.Youfellasleep.Icalledyournameacoupletimes.”
Mybrainbegsmetoformulatearesponse.Instead,Istudytheshapeofhislips,thewaythebottomoneisslightlypuffier,theperfectbowthatsitsontop,thebitofscruffthatsurroundsthemandmakeshisjawlineahundredtimesmoreruggedthanitneedstobe.
Toweringaboveme,hestandsthereinallhisflexedmuscleglory,soakedtothebone,shaggyhairarichgoldencolor,likehoney,dropletsofwaterpoolingatthetipsuntiltheydripdownhisface.Infact,Iwatchaparticularlyfatdroplethithistoplip,watchthewayGarrett’stonguedartsouttocatchit.ThenIfindtheonerollingslowlydownhischest,ariveretchingapaththroughhismuscles.Thatbadboykeepsonrolling,rightuntilitdisappearsintothewaistbandofhisbathingsuitshorts.
Ladiesandgentlemen,I’vehittheHolyGrailinflickpickmaterial.
Garrett’sgazedropstomychest,thenricochetsbacktomyface.“Youokay?”
“Fine,”Imanage,supercroaky.
Hiseyesbouncedownagain,thenbackup.Down,oncemore.Up.JesusChrist,downagain?Seriously?IknowIhaveboobsthere,buthastheguynotseenenoughsetsofperfecttits?What’ssointerestingabouttheseones?
Lookingdownatmyself,Iinwardlygroan.Mynipplesarerockhard,salutinghimthroughthebathingsuitthatdoesabsolutelynothingtodisguisethatI’mturnedonrightnow.Stupidfuckingnipples.Standdown,soldiers.
Irollmyeyesandflickwaterathim.“Wegetit,Garrett;you’rehot.Youdon’thavetostandtherehalf-nakedandsoakingwetandrubyourhotnessinourface.”
Hebeamswithpridebeforehisforeheadcreases.“We?”
“Yes,we.”Igestureatmynipples.“Don’tactlikeyouhaven’tnoticed.Youreyescan’tstayonmyfaceformorethantwoseconds.”
“Well,Ididn’t…Imean,they’re…hard,”hefinallyfinisheswithasigh,followedbyabarelyaudiblefuck
Thisguyisthemostterriblecombinationofgodawfulatflirtingandhorrendouslyawkward,andpartofmewantstoburymyfaceinapillowandscream.Theotherpartofmefindsitintoxicating,adorablycharming,notchinghisfuckmefactoruptoafullten.
Highlyannoying.Idon’tlikeit.
Garrettclapshisfistintohisoppositehand,rockingbackonhisheels.“Um,shouldwe…areyou…let’s…”Hepointstothedoor.“Bed?”Hisjawhangsashequicklyattemptstobacktrack,eyesfulloffearashewaveshishandsinfrontofhisface.“Ididn’tmeantogether.Not,like,youandme,inbed,together.That’snotwhatImeant.”
“Right.”
“Imeantyouinyourbedandmeinmine.Fuck.Gross.”
Mybrowsriseslowly.“Gross?”
“What?No.Notgross.”
“Yousaidgross.”
“ButIdidn’tmean…itwouldn’tbegross.Itwouldbegreat.No.Thatcameoutwrongtoo.”Hesqueezeshiseyesshut,headwaggingfrantically.“Ihaveaconcussion,”hefinallyspitsout,thenholdshishandout.“CanIhelpyouout?”
“Areyousureyouwanttotouchme?Youmightgetmycooties.Imaginehowgrossthatwouldbe.”
Garrettcracksagrinthatturnsintoasoft,heartychuckle,thetensioninhisshoulderseasing.“Ideservedthat.I’mreadytogo,butifyouwanttostaylonger,Idon’tmindhanging—”
“No.”Idislodgemyassfrommyseat,wadingthroughthehotwater.“I’mreadyforbed.”ItakeGarrett’soutstretchedhand,lettinghimhelpmeout.
Isinkdowntothebench,slidingintomyslipperswhileGarrettfetchesussometowels.Exhaustionhitsmelikeabricktotheface,andIrestagainstthewall.Thedeckishumidandsteamy,slattedbamboowallsreminiscentofasauna,andsleepbegstopullmeunder.
WhenGarrettreturnswithatowel,Istandandyawn,stretchingmyarmsoverhead.
“Whatthe—”Ispin,tryingtoslapatmybackwhereIfeelmystrappulling,likeit’scaughtonsomething.Myweakanklebucklesunderthepressureofthesuddenmovement,slippingfromunderneathme.
MylifeflashesbeforemyeyesasItumblefacefirsttowardthehottub.Garrettfliesforward,armscomingaroundme,sandwichingmebetweenhisgloriousbodyandthewall.
“Thatwasacloseone.”Hischucklediesasquicklyasitstarts.“Holyfuck.”
Hislaboredbreathingwashesovermyfaceasheholdsmetighttohim.Mychestheavesatthecontactasmybodyremindsmefortheumpteenthtimethatthemanisfineashellandbattery-poweredboyfriendscanonlysatisfysomuch
Hefeelssonice,hisskinhotonmine,thefeelofhisbarechestpressedagainstmybare—
“No,”Iwhisper-gasp,shakingmyhead,fingernailsbitingintohisshoulders.
Hiseyesholdpityandso,somuchfear.“Yes.”
Mygazefalls,landingonmybikinitoponthewetfloor,halfwaybetweenusandthehottub.Mybodyreactsbeforemybrainhastimetocatchup.
Withascreamthatechoesoffthetiles,IshoveagainstGarrett’sbroadchest,pushinghimoffme.Notmysmartestmoment.NowI’mtoplessandmynipplesaresohard,they’resharpenoughtocutice.
ButperhapsworstpartofalliswhatGarrettwears:amassive-as-fuckhard-on,stretchinghisbathingsuitsofarthatit’sgapingfromhiswaist.I’mnotkidding,butIwishIwere.
SoIkeepscreaming,andpointing,onearmslappedacrossmyboobs,theotherflailingwildlyinthedirectionofhisjunk,andnowGarrett’sscreaming,too,eyesricochetingbetweenhistentedshortsandmyboobs.
“Tuckitaway!”Ishriekathim.
“Youtuckthoseaway!”heshrieksback.
“Stoplooking!”
“Youstoplooking!”
“Garrett!”
“Jennie!”
Wemustcoveroureyesatthesametime,becauseonesecondI’mstaringathiserection,andthennextI’mrunningaimlessly.Ibounceoffhissolidchest,andsomethinghardpokesmeinthebellybutton.
“I’msosorry!”Garrettshouts.“I’msorry,Jennie!”Hishandslapsatmyarm,thenmyshoulder,beforewrappingaroundmyneck.Heturnsmearoundandpushesmeagainstthewall.“Juststaythere,please!”
HereleasesmeasIstandfrozen,facesmooshedagainstthebambooslatsthatcreatedthiswholemesswhentheysomehowmanagedtocapturetheknotintheendofmybikinistring.
Slowlydroppingmyhands,Ipeekovermyshoulder.Garrettreachesintohisshortsandadjustshimselfwithtwosqueezedeyesandahiss.Henabsmytopofftheground,andIquicklyturnbacktothewall.
“Here.”Heshovesmytopintomyhand.Iquicklyslipiton,coveringmyboobsandstill-erectnipples.“It’sreally,it’s…it’snotabigdeal,yaknow?Ididn’tevenseeanything.”
“Really?”Theerectionjustappearedoutofthinair?
“Yeah,”helies,andnotatallconvincingly.“Nothingatall.”
“Hey,doyouseemynippleringanywhere?”IspintowardGarrett.He’sgothisrobebackon,thoughthethinsilkdoesnothingtodisguisethathe’sstillhard,andstillgigantic.“Ican’tfindit.”
“Nipplering?Ididn’tnoticeapierc—”Hisfacepales.“Ohshit.”
Inarrowmyeyes.“Yeah,ohshit,Mr.I-didn’t-even-see-anything.”
Herubshisnape,cheekspink.“Well,I…I…”Witharesignedsmile,heliftsashoulder.“I’maweakman,andthey’renicetits.”
Mystubbornnosepointstotheceiling.“Yeah,Iknowtheyare.”
Hisshysmilebloomsintoamegawattgrin.“I’msorry,Jennie.”
“Youreallylookit.”
“Ifonlyyoucould’veseensomethingequallyasembarrassing.”Hepunctuateshissentencewithanexaggeratedeyeroll.“Thenwe’dbeeven.”
“Oh,trustme,buddy.Isawit,andI’mstillseeingit.”
Heplantshishandsonhiships,drawingmyattentionsouth.“Can’tmissit,huh?”
IshovemyhandinhisfaceasIstrutovertomyrobe.“Gobacktobeingshy.Yourarroganceisnotwantedhere.Ihaveenoughhugeegosinmylife.”
Garrettchucklessoftly.“Areweokay?Ireallyamsorry.”
“We’refine.Thisdayneedstoendthough.”
“Agreed.”Hepointsdownahallway.“Justgonnawashmyhandsandgrabawater.Wantone?”
“Nothanks.”
Garrettmeetsmeatthedooraminutelater,slurpingdownhiswater.Hescrewsthecapbackonashefollowsmeout,aneasysmileonhislips,muchmorewelcomethantheterrifiedlookhenormallywears.
“I’llridedownwithyou,”hetellsme,callingfortheelevator.
“Youdon’thaveto.”
“It’slate.Ishouldmakesureyougettoyourdoorokay.”
“Thankyou.”Istudyhimcarefullyfromacrosstheelevator.Thebruisingaroundhiseyeshasbecomemoreprominentinthelasttwohours,andhelooksnearlyabouttopassout.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Good,”heanswerstooquickly,thengrinsatmyarchedbrow.“MyheadhurtsandI’mtiredashell.”
“Doyouneedhelp?Like…”Iwindmydampbraidaroundmyfist.“Doyouneedmetocheckonyouinthemiddleofthenightorsomething?”
“Nah.”Palmpressedtomylowerback,heguidesmeintothehall.“Adam’scallingmeeverycouplehours,andtheguysaregonnacheckininthemorning.”
Inod,pausingatmydoor.MygazegoestoEmily’sapartmentacrossthehall,andGarrett’seyesfollow.
“Look,Jennie.I’mnotgonnasleepwithheragain.”
Ifrown.“Why?”
“Yourfriendshipismoreimportanttome.”
“We’refriends?”
Hisfacefalls.“Well,Ididn’tmean…Imean,Ithoughtthatwecouldbe…friends?Orwedon’thavetobe.Ifyoudon’twanttobe.Whatever.”
Ismilewhenhelookstotheground.Idon’tknowwhyIfindhisawkwardnesssoendearing,especiallywhenminutesagoheboldlyaskedifitwashardtomisshisXLerection.
“Garrett?”
Hiscautiousgazerises.“Yeah?”
“Youshouldworkonsayingexactlywhatyou’rethinking,allofthetime,notjustsomeofit.It’snicewhenpeoplearehonest,don’tyouthink?There’snoguessing.”
“IguessIstrugglewiththatsometimeswhenI’mgettingtoknowsomeone.”
“Well,I’maBeckett.Wedon’tcensorourthoughts.”
Helaughs,ahearty,warmsound.“Youguysreallydon’t,doyou?”
Ipressuponmytoesandpeckhischeek,smilingasitwarmsbeneathmylips.“Thanksforthesecondmostawkwardnightofmylife.”
“Whatwasthemostawkward?”
“Thedayyoufoundmyboxofdildos.”
Wow,Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenhisfacesored.HeburiesitbehindhiswaterbottleasIopenmydoor.Iturnbacktohimoncemore.
“Garrett?”
“Yeah?”
“I’msorryIndianaBonesslappedyouintheface.”
“IndianaBones?”Hisbrowstugtogetherasheliftshiswaterbacktohismouth,cheekslikeachipmunkasheguzzles.
Iseetheexactmomentrealizationdawnsasthewrinkleinhisforeheadsmooths,followedpromptlybythefountainofwaterthatburstsfrombetweenhislipsashekeelsover,grippinghisknees,chokingforair.
Smiling,Islinkbackwardintomyapartment.“Sleeptight,bigguy.”
Ileavehimrootedinplaceinthehallway,gaping,andIstripdowntomybirthdaysuitasIheadformybedroom.Tuggingopenmyfavoritedrawer,Ihumtomyselfasmyfingersflutterovermyextensivecollectionofrubberandsilicone.
Iwrapmyfingersaroundtheperpetratorhimself,pullingIndianaBonesfromhisspotinthedrawer,andcarryhimintotheshower.Slappingthesuctionbaseagainstthetiles,Icrankthefaucetwithahappysigh.
“Allright,bigboy.Let’sraidsometemplestonight.”CHAPTER8WHOOPSGARRETT
There’snothinglikehavingfourNHLplayersovertwohundredpoundseachinyourentrywaytomakethetwenty-two-hundredsquarefeetofopenspacefeellikeacloset.
AtleastAdambroughtgifts.
Heshovesthemassiveboxintomyarms.I’malittlescaredtoopenit.Willabunchofrubberdicksjumpout?Ialreadycan’tlookCarterintheeye.Iknowwhathislittlesisterdoesatnighttime,andIkindawannahelpherout.
EspeciallynowthatI’veseenhertits.
They’renice.Reallynice.Roundandperkywithsuperfuckingrosybuds;bagsoffuntheperfectsizetofitinthepalmofmyhand.
Ithink.I’dhavetotestthetheorytobecertain.
“Yougonnaopentheboxorkeepstaringatitlikeyouwannamakelovetoit?”Adamlaughstohimself.“It’sfrommymom.ExpressshippeditThursdaynightassoonasshesawyougodownonTV.”
Fromhismom?“Oooh,fuckyeah,Bev.”Adam’sparentsliveinColorado.They’rebothamazing,butBevtakesthecakeasmyunofficialforeignsnackdealer.Ican’twaittoseewhatherpost-concussiongoodieboxholds.
Theentrancetoheavenopens,brightpackagesstaringupatme,justwaitingtobeunwrapped.SpecialeditionPop-Tarts,discontinuedDunkaroos,excitingnewcerealflavors.It’sthebestpresentI’veeverreceived,rightaftertheoneIgottwonightsago,whenIsawJennie’stitsandmostoftherestofherbody,’causeherbikiniwasfuckingtiny.
“When’sMamaLockwoodgonnasendmesnacks?”CarterripsopenapackageofBananaCrèmePiePop-Tarts,quicklydevouringit.“DeyhabdiswimitededitionOreoindaStateswightnow.”Hestrugglestoswallow,crumbslitteringhisshirt.“It’scalledthe—”
“You’renotinjured,”Adamremindshim.
“Butshealwayssendshimstuff!”
“MaybeshelikesGarebetterthanyou,”Emmettsuggests,earningsomeepicsulkingfromCarter.
AdamandEmmettunpackmysnacksandafewothercareitemsthey’vebroughtover.Everytimetheyputasnackaway,Carterpullsitbackout,investigatingthepackage.They’reannoyingandoverbearingsometimes,butthey’remyfamily.I’mnotlookingforwardtostayingbehind,andIwhineaboutexactlythat.
“It’soneroadtrip,”Adamremindsme.
“Thedoctorclearedmetodrivethismorning.Icouldwatchfromthepressbox.”
Carterrapshisknucklesonmytemple.“Youdon’tmesswithwhat’sinhere.”
“Iknowit’sfrustrating,butyouneedtotakecareofyourself.”Emmettgesturesatthecouch.“Hangout,putyourfeetup,watchuskickass,andyou’llbebackinforourhomestretchnextweektohelpout.”
“Ihatewatchinghockeybymyself.”
Carterdoesn’tlookupfromthebagofFlamin’HotFunyunshe’sstudying.“Gowatchitwithmysister.WejustdroppedDublinofftoher.She’llbewatching,andshehasnofriends.”
“Carter,”Adamguffaws.“That’snotnice.”
“What?Shedoesn’tmakefriendseasily.Shehastrustissues.”
Thatdoesn’treallysurpriseme.Jennieseemslikeagenerallyskepticalperson—herside-eyeisscary—andI’mnotsureshebelievedthatIwouldn’tsleepwithEmilyagain.
Cartercheckshisphone.“Wegottaheadout.Flight’sinanhour,andIgottatouchbasewithRiley.”
JaxonRileyisourbrand-newtrade,straightfromNashville,andhe’sstartingtonight.IhatethatIwon’tbethere.He’sanarrogantass,andI’mnotafan.Carterknowsthis,sowhenIgrunt,hesmirks.
“I’llkeephiminline,”hepromises.Itmightsoundempty,butwherehecan’tkeepanyoneinlineinhispersonallife,hecanhandleanentireteamwithoutbattinganeye.He’sanaturalbornleaderontheiceandinthechangeroom.“Don’tworry,Gare.We’llmissyouasmuchasyou’llmissus.”
And,really,that’sit.Myfamilyisontheoppositesideofthecountry.Havingtheseguysandtheirgirlsaroundallthetimemakesthedistanceeasier.Now,beingforcedoutwithaninjury,andwithCaraandOliviafollowingalongforthetrip,I’mfeelingmorealonethanever.
Maybethat’swhyIfindmyselfstandinginfrontofJennie’sdoorafterlunch.
Iraisemyfisttoknockbutshovemyfingersthroughmyhairinstead.“WhatamIdoing?She’sjustagirl.She’snotgonnabite.”
Iforcemyselftoknock,stretchingmyfingersoutandcurlingthemintomypalmsthreetimeswhileIwait.Adooropens,butnottheoneIwashopingfor.
Glancingovermyshoulder,IfindEmilyleaninginherdoorway,coysmileinplace.
“Mr.Andersen.Longtime,nosee.Yoursaucyfriendisn’thome.Shewentoutearlierwiththatcutedog.”
“Saucy?”HowdoesEmilyknow—
“Yeah,shekeepscallingmeEmma,andtodaysheflippedmethedoublebirdwhenIremindedherwhereshecouldhearmyname.Imightlikeher,andIdon’tthinkI’mtheonlyone.”
“What?”Iunderstoodroughly5percentofthat.
Hergrinissuspect.Shegesturesintoherapartment.“Wannacomein?Gonnaputonmycheerleadingoutfitandpracticemyroutine.”
“I-I-I-I—”Iclosemyeyesandtakeabreath.I’mlonely,yes,butnotenoughtogobackonmywordtoJennie.“Ican’t.”
“Later?”
Ishakemyhead.
Shesmiles.“Thoughtso.”
BeforeIcanaskforclarification,shewinksanddisappears.Isigh,resignedtobeingalonetonight.
UntilIgetatextfiveminuteslater.
Carter:Jennieendedupgoing2myplacefortheweekendsoshedidn’thave2takeDubsupndowntheelevator2pee,cuzofherfuckyankle.Ucanhangwithherthere.Don’ttouchmyoreosorurdead.
Great.Butit’snottheOreosI’mworriedabouttouching.
***
Isthereawordforbeingturnedonbysomeone’sanger?
BecauseI’mstandingontheporch,andJennie’sovercastblueeyesarenarrowedviciouslyatmefromthedoorway,herarmspinnedbeneathhertits,andI’mmashingmylipstogethertokeepfromsuggestingwefuckoutwhatevertensionthisisthatseemstobeconstantlyvibratingbetweenus.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Jennieasks.
Iholdupthebagsinmyhand,andDublintakesthatasaninvitationtojumpatthem.“Ibroughtfood.”
Hereyessweepoverme,bypassingthebagsbutlingeringontherestofme,particularlymylowerhalf.“Fuckinggraysweatpants,”shemutters.“Alwayswiththegrayones.”Hergazeflipstomine.“Sorry,whatdidyousay?”
“Um,Ibrought…Thaifoodandsnacks.Cartersaidyouwereherealone,andIwasalone,andIthoughtmaybewecouldwatchthegametogetherandnotbe…”
“Alone?”Skepticismswimsinhereyes.“Idon’tneedababysitterjustbecausemybrother’soutoftown.”
“No,I—canIcomein,please?It’scoldasballsouthere.”
“Maybeyoushould’vedressedfortheweather.”She’sallsnarkbutstepsasideanyway.She’swearinganoversizedtie-dyelongsleevethathangsoffoneshoulderandapairofspandexshortsthatcan’tpossiblycoverherass,butI’mwaitingforhertoturnaroundbeforeIgivethefinalverdict.“Doyouneedmetocomeupstairsanddressyoubeforeyouleaveyourapartmenteverymorning?”
Igrin,becausehonestly,thatdoesn’tsoundhalfbad.“Look,Iwantedtocome.Myfriendsaregonefortheweekend,andtotellyouthetruth,Iwasfeelinglonelyathome.”
“Youwere?”Somethingsoftandvulnerabledancesacrosshereyes.“Andyouthoughtofme?”
“Ithoughtofyou.”
“Oh.Well,that’s…”Shefiddleswiththemessybraidthatlaysoverhershoulder,tuggingonthebrightblueribbon.IthinkthisisthefirsttimeI’veeverseenherblush.“Nice.”Hernosewrinklesandshebitesbackhersmile.“I’msorryIbityourheadoff.It’sabadhabit.”
I’maware,hencethenicknamesunshinethat’squicklygrowingonme.
Instead,Ismile.ThenJennieturns,andtheverdictisfuckingin,ladiesandgentlemen.Thoseshortsdonotcoverherass.Ohfuck,aretheyevercheeky.
“Garrett?”
“Huh?”Ohshit.Scaryeyes.
“Iaskedifyouwerecoming,butyouweretoobusystaringatmyass,youwiener.”Shegesturesatherbarelegs.“Isthisgonnabeaproblem,ordoyouneedmetoputpantson?”
Ihonestlydon’tknowhowtoanswerthat.Yes,it’sgoingtobeaproblem.No,pleasedon’tputpantson.
Myexpressionmustsayitall,becauseJennierollshereyesandripsthebagsfrommyhands.“Men.Ifithastitsandanass,it’sgoodenoughtofuck.”
“That’snottrue.”WhyamItalking?“I’mpickierthanthatabouttitsandasses.”Ishouldshutmymouthrightthefucknow.
“Oh?Sodominemakethecut,orareyoupickierthanthat?”
Mybrainhasfinallygottenthememotoshutup.Unfortunately,Jennie’swaitingonaresponse.WishIcouldformulateone.
“Garrett?I’mwaiting.”
“Pleasedon’thurtme,”Ifinallywhisper.
Withasmughum,Jenniesetsthedishesonthekitchenisland.Shehandsmeabeer,andwhenI’vegotafullplate,Ifloponthecouch,reachingfortheremote.
“Whatwereyouwatching?”
Jenniethrowsherselfonmylap,nearlywearingmypadThai,fumblingfortheremote.“Nothing,Garrett,givemetheremote.”
Iholditovermyhead,intrigued.“Whatwereyouwatching?”
“Iwasn’t—”ShepressesherlipstogetherwhenIpressPlay.Simba,Nala,andZazufillthescreen,singingabouthowSimbacan’twaittobeking.Jennietugstheneckofhershirtuptohernose.“Shutup.”
“Jesus,theDisneyobsessionisrealwithyouBecketts.”
“I’mabettersingerthanCarter,”shegrumbles.
“Soyouweresinging?”
Hercheeksburn.“No.”
“Soundslikeyouweresinging,sunshine.”
“Shutup,Gare-Bear.”Shepunchesmeintheshoulderandstealsaspringrolloffmyplate,settlingbackinherspot,feetuponthecoffeetable.Herleftanklehasanangry,redswelltoit,abagoficemeltingbesideit.
JenniesobssohardwhileSimbatriestowakeMufasaupafterthestampedethatshestartschoking,coughing,usingtheneckofhershirttowipehereyes.
“Uh,doyouneeda—”
“Idon’tneedahug!”Shejabsmychest.“Stoplookingatme!”Shespringstoherfeet,slappingathersoakedcheeks.“Ihateyou!”sheshouts,thendashestothebathroom.It’sallhobblybecauseofherbumankle,andIfoldmylipsintomymouthsomylaughterdoesn’tchaseher.
Whenshereturns,I’vegotSportsneton,readyforthegame,andI’vecleanedthedishes.
JenniesticksherhandinthebowlofSourCherryBlastersI’vejustpoured.“I’msorryIsaidIhatedyou.Itwasintheheatofthemoment.”
“It’sokay.Scar’sanasshole.”
“ScumoftheDisneyworld.”
IchuckleasIgrabanotherbeerfromthefridge.“Youwantanother?”
“Ididn’thaveafirst,butno,thankyou.Idon’tdrink.”
“Oh.”
Jenniereachesforhercollarbone,likeshe’sabouttofiddlewithanecklace.Instead,herfingersflutteroverbareskin.Icatchthesharpriseofherchest,andshequicklylooksaway.
Returningthebeer,IgrabaGatoradeinstead.
Jenniefrowns.“Youcanstilldrink,Garrett.Itdoesn’tbotherme.It’sjustmypersonalchoice.”
Andit’sachoiceI’llsupportwhenwe’retogether.Ifadrunkdriverhadtakensomeonefromme,Idon’tknowthatI’deverbeabletoevenlookatalcoholagain.
SometimesIdon’tknowwhyIevertoucheditmyself.Achildhoodspentwatchingalcoholownmydadisn’toneI’dwishonanyone.Truthbetold,itwasn’tmuchofachildhoodatall.Intheend,IguessIdecidedIwasn’tgoingtolethimtakesomethingelsefromme,thatIwouldhavethecontrolhedidn’tandmakebetterchoices.
IheadtothecouchwithmyGatoradeandafreshbagofice,andatJennie’sperplexedexpression,Iexplain,“Foryourankle.”
“Oh.”ShehesitantlyplacesherfootonthepillowIsetonthecoffeetableandsighswhenIcoverheranklewithice.“Thankyou.”
IkeepmyeyesontheTVasthegamestarts.“Whathappenedthereanyway?”Idon’tneedtoknowJenniewelltoknowtheanswershegavemeintheelevatortwodaysagowasbullshit.
“Twisteditduringdancepractice.”
Frommyperipheral,Icatchhernibblingherthumbnail.“Thoughtyoutrippedoveryourbag?”
Herheadwhipsmyway.“WhyareyouaskingifIalreadygaveyouananswer?”
“Whyareyoulying?”
“You’resoannoying.”Sheshovesherhandinthepopcornbowl.“Itrippedovermydancepartner.There,areyouhappy?”
“Steve?”
Shesnicker-snorts.“Simon.CarteronlycallshimStevetopisshimoff.”
“Carterhateshim.”He’salwaysgrumblingaboutJenniedroppingpairsandgoingsolo.“Sayshewantsinyourpants.”
Jenniehumsdismissively,thenleapstoherfeet.“Offside!Thatwassooffside!You’renevergonnagetthoseorangearmbandsmissingcallslikethat,bud!”
Withthewayshekeepsshoutingattheofficials,ittakesmeoneminutetoletgoofthefactthatshedoesn’twanttotalktomeaboutherdancepartner,andanotherfourtorealizeshemightbemyfavoritepersonevertowatchhockeywith.IevenforgetaboutthemajorcaseofFOMOIhadaboutmissingthetrip.
Whenthethirdperiodrollsaround,Jennie’shoarsefromyelling,andmystomachachesfromlaughing.
“Ifallyouwantedtodowaswatchthegame,youshouldaboughtticketslikeeveryoneelse.Yousuck,ref.”ShetossesapieceofpopcornattherefereeonTV,thenawholehandfulatme.“Stoplaughingatme.”
“Ican’t.Watchingwithyouisfun.Mysistershatehockey,orthey’retoocooltowatch.Theyonlymakeittooneortwogamesayear,andtheyspendmostofitburiedintheirtabletsormakinggooglyeyesattheguys.”
Jenniesnickers.“Howmanysistersdoyouhave?”
“Three.”
“Howold?”
Skimmingmyjaw,Ilineupdatesinmyhead.“Uh,twelve,ten,andnine.”
Jennietwistsmyway,feetonthecushionbetweenus.Hertoesarepaintedpalepink,astarkcontrasttoherblackfingernails.“Ohwow.That’sabigagegap.”
“Myparentsseparatedforacoupleyears,thengotbusywhentheygotbacktogether.IheardmorethanI’dcaretoadmitwhenIwasthirteenandtheygotremarried.NinemonthslaterAlexacamealong.Ilearnedquicklytogetoutofthehousewhentheyweregivingeachothertheeyes.”
Jenniesnickers,stretchingherlegsout,toespressingintomythigh.Sheeitherdoesn’tnoticeordoesn’tcare.“That’snicetheyworkedthingsout.Youmust’vebeenhappy.”
“Definitely.”MostlyhappythatmydadwassoberforthefirsttimeIcouldeverremember.“Whatkindadancedoyoudo?”
“Contemporary,mostly.It’smyfavorite.IgrewupdoingballetbutfellinlovewhenIdiscoveredcontemporary.”
“Why’sthat?”
Hernosewrinkles.“Therearetoomanyrulesinballet.”
“Andyoudon’tlikefollowingthem?”
Shegrins.“Notreally.Itkilledmyfeettoo.”Sheshrugs.“Contemporaryfeltmoreme.Idon’tthinkaboutanything,justlistentothemusicandmovemybody.It’sfreeinginawaythatballetwasn’t.Forme,atleast.Ifelttoorestricted,andallIwantedtodowasstandout.”
“That’sprettycool.Itmustfeelnicetofindyourniche.”
Jenniegetsthissuper-psychedlookonherface,likemyyoungestsisterGabbywhenIanswerherFaceTimerequest.Shegripsmyforearm.“MyChristmasrecitaliscomingup.YoucouldcomeseeitwithCarterandOlivia.EmmettandCaraarecomingtoo.”
Hersmiledissolvesatmyhesitationandblankexpression.Shereleasesmyarm,avertshergaze,andshiftsaway.Iwatchthewayherpersonalityslipsawayassheshutsbackdown,creepingbackbehindwhateverwallshe’sbuilttokeeppeopleatbay.
Butthisversionofherheretonight,talkingeasilyandlaughingwithme,Iwanttohangontothat.
“I’mheadinghomeforacoupledaysoverChristmas,butifthedateslineup,I’lldefinitelycomewatchyoukickassonstage.”
Sheregardsmewarilyforamomentbeforehershouldersunfurlandherlegsflopbackdownbetweenus.“Idon’twannabrag,butI’mthebestoneupthere.”
Iflickherfoot.“There’sthattrademarkBeckettarrogance.”Shegiggles,kickingmyfingersaway.Whenherfeetlandinmylap,myhandcoversherankles.
“Sure,butIworkedmyassofftobesureofmyselfandmytalent,soI’llownthattitle.”
“Ilikethat.Youshouldbeconfidentandproudofyourself.”
Oureyeslockaswesmileateachother.Itakeinherdeep-setdimples,herheart-shapedlips,thewaytheycurveintherighthandcorner,likeshe’sgotasecret.
I’vegotanurgetomakeabigfuckingoopsie,whichshouldtellmeit’stimetopackupandgetouttahere,especiallysinceinthetimewe’vebeenchatting,thegamehasended.Instead,mymouthopens,andIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingtocomeoutuntilitcomes.
“Wannafinishwatchingthemovie?”
Fuck.Whatafuckingmistake.
Becausetwentyminuteslater,Jennie’shalf-buriedinsomesortofblanketburrito,clutchingapillowtoherchest,shakingviolentlyasshesobs,“CanYouFeelTheLoveTonight”playingthroughtheTV,andI’mjusthowlinguncontrollably.
“Shutup!”Shesmashesthepillowtomyface.
“It’snotevenasadpart!”
“It’semotional!They’vefoundeachotherafterallthistimeapart,andtheywerebestfriends,andit’s-it’s-it’s…shutup!Stoplaughingatme!”
Idon’t,butIdododgethesecondpillowshechucks.Dublin’spassedoutbythefireplace,completelyunfazed,eventhoughthisgirlbesidemehasbeenanythingbutquietallnight.
“Yougiveoffthisrealbadassvibe,butI’veseenyoucrythreetimesthisweek,andtwoofthemweretonightduringaDisneymovie.”
She’snoteventhrowingthepillowanymore,justholdingittomyface,tryingtosmotherme,herbodysquirmingagainstmine.Mylaughteronlyseemstospurheron.
Jenniesendsmetopplingsideways,andIfloptomybackasshefallsbetweenmylegs.
“Shut…up…Gare…Bear!”
“Ihavethreelittlesisters.You’renotgonnawin,sunshine.”
“IgrewupwithCarter,”shegrunts,handsclaspingmineasshetriestopinmetothecouch.“Hepissedmeoffdaily.”
“Sure.”Iwindonearmaroundherwaistandflipherover,pinningherbelowtheweightofmybody,myfingersoverlappingherwrists.“ButI’mnotyourbrother.”
Andthankfuckforthat.
Jenniepeersatmefrombeneathdarklashes,cheeksrosy,lipspartedwithherstaggeredbreaths.Ourchestsriseandfalltogether,quickandheavy,likethethuddinginmyears.I’mpainfullyawareofthewarmspotbetweenherthighswhereI’vesettled,andmychestroarswithneed.
There’savoiceinthebackofmymindtellingmetodisengage,toheadhomebeforeImakeanymistakesIcan’ttakeback.
Becausethisrighthere?Meandher,mybestfriendandcaptain’slittlesister,tangledtogether?Amistakeyoudon’twalkawayfrom.
ButthenJennie’shazyblueeyesdroptomylips,andherhipsmovejustslightly,aninvitation,oneIdon’tthinkIcanturndown.
“Iwin,”Iwhisper,andIdropmyfaceatthesametimeshetipsherchin
Mymouthcoversherswithouthesitation,tasting,taking.Fuck,doIeverwannatake.She’ssoftandsweet,eagerandhesitantatthesametime,andmypulsehammersthelongerIexploreher.Irunmytongueovertheseamofherlips,askingforpermission.Iwantin,andIdon’tknowifI’llwanttoleave.
Sheopensforme,legswindingaroundmywaist,lettingmecloserthanIeverthoughtI’dbe.Mytonguemeetsherswithaslowsweep,andwhenherhipslift,grindingagainstme,ajaggedwhimperleaveshermouth.
Andthenagasp.
Jenniestiffensbelowme,andIknow.I’mdone.I’vefuckedup.
Ishufflebackwardthesecondshewrigglesfreeofmygrasp.Shestartsdoingthecrabwalk,rightuntilshetumblesovertheedgeofthecouchwithasqueal,assintheairinherteensy,tinyshorts.
“I’msorry.”Iclimbtomyfeetandreachforher,tryingtohelpherup,butshekeepsonkeepin’onwiththecrabwalk,allthewayoutofthelivingroomanddownthehall,eyeswideasshegawksatme.“I’msorry,Jennie.Ididn’tmean…Idon’t…Idon’tknowwhatcameoverme.”
Shebumpsintothewallandclutchesthebackofherhead.“Ow!”
“Forfuck’ssake,letmehelpyouup.”Ihoisthertoherfeetbeforeshecanslapmyhandsaway,andshepromptlydartsupthestairs,hobblyankleandall.“Jennie—”
“I’mtired!Sotired!Bedtime!”Shewavesaflappyhandatthedoor.“Youcanjust…letyourselfout.Lockupwhenyouleave!Goodnight,GarrettAndersen!”
Shetrips,fallingtoherhandsandkneesatthetopofthestaircasewhileramblingabouthowshejustcalledmebymyfullname.Thenshedisappears,followedbythesoundofadoorslamming
Fuck.I’msofuckingfucked.WhatthehellwasIthinking?
Iwasn’t,that’stheproblem.Notwiththeheadonmyneck,that’sforsure.
Ilookdownatmydick.I’mthoroughlydisappointedinhim,andI’mabouttotellhimso.
“Can’tfuckin’keepitinyourpantsforonefuckin’night,LieutenantJohnson?C’mon,dude.Carter’sgoddamnlittlesister,”Imutter,scrubbingmyfaceasIwanderbackdownthehall.
Dublinyawnsandstretchesbeforetrottingoverandlickingmyhand.HecurlsuponacushioninthekitchenwhileIcleanthemesswemadebeforepromptlyescortingmyselfoutthefrontdoor.Ineedtodipmyblueballsinsomesnow.
“Fuck,”Irepeatforatleastthefifteenthtimeinthelastfiveminutes,softlybangingmyheadagainstthedoor.“Fuck,fuck,fuck.”
Ican’tleavelikethis.Ineedtoapologize,andweneedtotalkaboutwheretogofromhere.Ithinkweshouldnever,evertellCarter,butifshewantsto,Iwill.He’llcutoffatleastoneintegralbodypart,butI’lldoitifsheasksmeto.
Quietly,Istepbackinside,toeingoffmyshoesasmyneckgrowsclammy.Ireallylikedhangingoutwithher,butI’m99.999percentsureI’veruinedanychanceofuseverbeingabletobeinthesameroomagain.
“Jennie?”Icalltentatively,climbingthestaircase.Ifindtheonlybedroomdoorthat’sclosedandgripthedoorframe.“Iwantedtoapologize.Canwetalk?”
Halfofmehopesshe’salreadyasleep.
“Jennie,I—”Ishakemyhead.Isuckatthis.“Look,”Itrysoftly,“canIcomein?”
Withnoresponse,Ihangmyheadandsigh,turningtowardthestairs.
ButthenIhearher,softlycallingmyname,andIjerkmyelbowintomysidetriumphantly.
“Yes,”Imutterbeforeopeningthedoorandwaltzingrightthroughit.“Listen,Iwas—”
Mywordsdissolveonmytongue,jawdanglingasmyeyesfallonthemostglorioussightthey’veeverwitnessed.
Agentlevibrationbuzzesintheair,anditseemstobecomingfromthepinkobjectthatJennieholdsbetweenherlong,bronzedlegsfromherspotonthebed.
AndJennie?Pantless.Andpanty-less.Headthrownbacktoo.
Myhandfallstomydickwhenmynametumblesfromhermouthoncemore,justlikethewordsIcan’tstoptumblefrommine.
“Holyshit.”
Jennie’sheadrollsforward,eyesdazedastheyfloatovertheroombeforeeventuallylandingonme,standinginthedoorway,handonmycock,whichis,bytheway,superfuckinghardrightnow.
Herlipspart,andImustbethedensestdickontheplanettothinkshemightsaymynameoncemore,orbetteryet,invitemein.
Instead,sheshrieks.
Holyfuckingshit,doessheshriek.Bloodcurdling,earpiercing,andyetLieutenantJohnsondoesn’tgivetwoshits.
No,hestandsonguardinallhisglory,beggingmetolethimgivehertheol’one-eyedsalute,toaskherifshewantstoplay.
AndJesusfuckingfuck,doIeverwannaplay.CHAPTER9WESHOULD(NEVER)DOTHATAGAINJENNIE
Ihavequestions.
WhathaveIdonetodeservethelifeIlead,particularlytheoneobnoxiouslythrustintomyfacethispastweek?Whyhasthismaninfrontofmeseenmehalf-nakedonmultipleoccasions?Whydidmytoycollectionexplodeinhishands?WhydidIndianaBonesslaphimintheface?WhydidIkissmybrother’sbestfriend?
WhydidGarrettjustabsolutelycatchmejillingoffwithamotherfuckingvibratorwhilemaybeormaybenot—tobedetermined—moaninghisname?
“Whatareyoudoinginhere?”Iscreech,leapingfromthebed.“Ididn’tsayyoucouldcomein!Youleft!Youweresupposedtoleave!Iheardthedoorshut!”
“I-I-I—”Hiseyesricochetbetweenmylowerhalfandmyhand.“Holyfuckingfuckballs.”
Ijerkmyshirtovermyhips,hidingmystupid,traitorousvagina.Myoccupiedhandisshakingviolently—therabbit’sturnedallthewaytoten—soIchuckthatbadgirlacrosstheroom.
Mistakenumberone.Nowshe’svibratingexcruciatinglyloudlyagainstthehardwood,jumpingaround,andGarrettcan’ttakehiseyesoffher.
Irushhim,shovinghischest.Hedoesn’tmove,asidefromhisheadwhippingbackandforthbetweenmeandmytoy.“Out!Getout!Andyoushouldn’thavekissedme!”
“Ithoughtyouwantedmeto!”hescreamsback,faceredashecomesbacktolife.“Imisreadthesigns!”
“Theninvestinsomefuckingreadingglasses,hotshot!”
“I’msorry!”Grippingmywrists,heyanksmeintohim.“Stoppushingme!”
“Stopyellingatme!”
“Youyelledfirst!”
“Yousawmyvagina!”
“Isawyourboobstwonightsago!”Hiseyeswiden,lipsmashingtogether.“Okay,thatwasthewrongthingtosay.I’msorryIsawyourboobs.Andyourvagina.Ialreadytoldyouthey’reniceboobs.”Hegesturesatmylowerhalfandclearshisthroat.“Andit’sanice,uh…vagina.”
Withagroan,Itwirloutofhisgrasp,buryingmyscaldingfaceinmyhands.“Stopsayingvagina,please.”
Heshrugs.“Fine,youhaveanicepussy.”
Iwhackhimintheshoulder.“Garrett!”
“Ow!Christ,you’reviolent.”
“That’snotwhatImeant!”
Heflingshisarmsintheair.“Newsflash,sunshine!Ialmostneverknowwhatthefuckyoumean!”
“Womenaren’tthatconfusing!”
“No,butyouare!”Hecloseshiseyes,inhalingdeeply.“Look,Iwantedtoapologizeforkissingyou.Iwashavingagoodtimeandgotcaughtupinthemoment.”
Okay,maybeIdidtoo.Garrettiskind,easytobewithdespitetheawkwardness,andhemakesallmyhotspotslightuplikeaglowstick.Themanhassomehowmanagedtofloodmybasementwithonlyonekiss.
I’mchalkingituptothelackofintimacyandphysicalconnectioninmylife.
“Apologyaccepted,”Itellhim.“Nowgoodnight,Garrett.”
“Okay.Butdon’tbeembarrassed.Everyonemasturbates.”
“Right,butnoteveryonegetscaughtbyafamous,sexyhockeyplayerwhohappenstobeoneofherbrother’sbestfriends.”
Hiseyesbrighten.“YouthinkI’m—”Hestopshimself,whichisforthebest.HethinksI’mviolent,buthehasn’ttrulyseenviolentyet.“I’llleave.”
“Great.”Itugmyshirttighteraroundmyass,thighsrubbing,spreadingmywetnessasheturnshisbackonme.He’stallandbroadandhe’sgotthemostphenomenalhockeybutt,thekindyouwannagrabtwohandfulsofandholdontofordearlifewhilehefucksyouupagainstawall.
Orwhatever.
“Waitasecond,”Garrettwhispers,pausing.Myheartthudsasheslowlyspins,onefingerup,seeminglylostinthought.Thenhisgazezerosinonme,heated,playful,andentirelytoodangerousashetakesonepurposefulstepinmydirection,thenanother,andthatheartbeatdropstothepitofmystomach.“Yousaidmyname.”
“Ididnot.”Totallydid.
“Didtoo.”
“Didn’t.”
Hiseyesroll.“Garrett.”Hedragshisnameoutonamoan,headthrownback.Hedoesn’thavetograbhisjunk,buthedoesanyway,andIslinkbackwardwitheachcalculatedstephetakesinmydirection.Helookslikehe’sabouttomakemehissnack,andI’mnotsureI’llputupafight.
Ifindapillowandchuckitathisannoying,hotfaceforatleastthetwentiethtimetonight.“You’resupposedtobeshy,jerk!”
Hedeflectsthepillowwithaveinyforearm,andwhenhesmacksmeinthefacewithit,Igasp.“I’mnotshy,Jennie!I’mjustfuckingterrifiedofyou!”
“Yousurelookit!”I’mrunningoutofspaceasheprowlstowardme,andwhenItripovermybag,Garrettgripsafistfulofmyshirt,keepingmeonmyfeet.Ihavenoideawherethetimid,awkwardboyhasgone,replacedbysomesortofalphaman,oozingsexandconfidence,readytotakecontrol.
Andhestillhasn’tletgoofmyshirt.
Hethrowsapointedlookatthehot-pinkrabbitstilljumpingaroundonthefloor,thoughshe’slosingpower,dyingfast.It’stheonlytoyIbrought,andnowI’mgonnahavetousemyfingers,andtheysureasshitdon’tvibrate.“Don’tyouhavesomeonetodothatforyou?”
Ithrowmyshouldersback,judo-choppinghiswristtolosehisgrip.Itdoesn’twork.“Idon’tneedsomeonetodoitforme.Idoitmyselfjustfine.”
“No?Noboyfriend?”
“IfIhadaboyfriend,wouldIhavekissedyou?”
Aslowsmirkspreads.God,arrogancelookssohotonhim.“Soyouadmityouwereanequalparticipantinthatkiss.”
“I—”Ipointmynosetowardtheceiling.“Iadmitnothing.”
“That’stoobad,”hepurrs.“RememberwhenyoutoldmeIshouldworkonsayingwhatI’mthinking?”Hisgriponmyshirttightens,softcottonslippingagainstmyskin,revealingmoreofmybodyashewalksforward,pushingmebackward.“I’mthinkingIwantedtokissyou,andI’mthinkingyouwantedmeto.I’mthinkingyouenjoyedthehelloutofit,beforeyoutoldyourselfyoushouldn’t,andthenyougotscared.”
Igaspwhenmybackhitsthewall.Garrett’sturquoiseeyesfalltomylips.
“What’sthematter,Jennie?Where’sallthatconfidencegone?Nowheretohide?”
IbiteintomybottomliptoquellitsquiverwhenGarrettslidesonelargehandalongtheedgeofmyjaw,anglingmyfacetowardhis.Hisotherhandlandsontheedgeofmythigh,fingertipsblazingaforestfirealongmyskinastheytrailup,up,toyingwiththehemofmyshirt.
“Ithinkyoucameupheretotouchyourselfwhilethinkingabouteverythingthatcould’vehappenedifyouhadn’trun,andIthink…”Hisraggedbreathdancesacrossmylips,gazesearing.“IthinkI’dliketohelpyou.Ithinkyouwantmetohelpyou.”
“Garrett,”Iwhimper,tremblingashislipsghostovermine.
“Yeah,”hewhispers.“Justlikethat.That’sexactlyhowyousoundedwhenyoumoanedmyname.”
Iliftmychinandlickmylips,eyelidsflutteringclosedasIwait.
Andwait.
Theheatofhisbodyisreplacedbythecoolchillofrejectionashereleasesme,hissmirknothingshortofsmugpridewhenmyeyesflipopen,andhestepsbackward.
“I’dsurehatetomisreadthesignsthough.SoifI’mright,ifyouwantmyhelp…”Heskimsathumbacrosshisruggedjawline,scrapingthestubblethatwasn’ttheretwodaysago.“You’llhavetobeexplicitlyclear.”
Agrowlrumblesinmythroat,andbeforeIhavetimetocomprehendmyactions,I’vethrownmyselfathischestandburiedmyfingersinhishair.Heclaspsmyass,liftingmetohim,mylegswindingaroundhiswaistasmybackcollideswiththewall.
Thewayhismouthtakesmineisnothingshortofpossessive,ownershipinitspurest,mostsimpleform.Hecanhavemymouth,andjustaboutanyotherpartofmerightnow,andIdon’tevenknowwhyI’mwillingtogiveittohim.
Heelsdiggingintohisass,Ispurhimon,pullingagroanfromhisthroatasIarchagainsthim.I’mhotandwetandI’veneverwantedanythingthewayIwantGarrettrightnow.
Pinningmetothewallwithhiships,hetearsmyshirtovermyhead.NeverhaveIseensomethingasferociousashisscorchinggazeasitdragsoverme,lightingeverynerveendingonfireinitswake.Withafistfulofmyhair,heburieshisfaceinmyneck,hiswarmmouthteasing,nipping,leavingawettrailasitglides.
“Areyougonnaletmetakecareofyoutonight,sunshine?’Causeit’sallIcanfuckingthinkabout.”
God,yes.Idraghismouthbacktomine,rightwhereIwantit.Histonguesweepsinside,exploring,tasting,taking.Iwantmore,andit’sbeensodamnlongsinceI’vewantedanything,sinceI’vefeltlikesomebodywantedme—justme—thismuch.
Droppingmetomyfeet,hegripsthebackofmyneck,spinsmearound,andpressesmetothewall.Fingersdanceovermyhip,mybelly,untilhisdelicatetouchkissesthespotIachemost,andIclawatthewallastearsofdesperationprickle.
Idon’twanttheteasing;Ijustwanthimtofingerbangmeintonextyear.Isthattoomuchtoask?
SoIbegaraspy,“Please,”whenhetracestheinsideofmyquiveringthighs.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,Jennie.”
“Touchme,”Iwhisper,hangingmyhead.Hisgriponmynecktightens,forcingmyeyestohisovermyshoulder.“Please,Garrett.”
Heskimsmyclit,pullingashakyburstofairfrommylips.“Here?”
“Fuck,yes,”Igaspashestrokesmeslowly.
“Jesus,you’rewet.”Histongueslidesupthelengthofmyneck.“Sofuckingwet.”HesinkstwofingersinsidemeandsmilesagainstmyshoulderwhenIcryout.“Yougonnaletmefuckthispussyoneday?”
“Holyshit,”Icry.Thedirtytalkisdoingmein,pairedwiththetouchofanotherperson,intimacyI’vecravedforsolong,evenifI’vebeendenyingit.“Whoareyou?”
Hislowchucklesendsshiversdownmyspine.Releasingmyneck,hepressestwofingerstomyclit.“Ican’twaittofeelyoucomeonmyfingers.”
“Fuck.”Igriphishand,lacingourfingers,pullinghimcloserandpushinghimawayallatonce.Heshovesakneebetweenmythighs,spreadingthemwider,andthrustshisfingersdeeper,harder,takingmefurtherthanI’veeverbeenabletotakemyself.“Garrett.”
Hisfingersmovequickly,pushingmeclosertothatedge,theoneIwanthimtothrowmerightover.
Anddoesheeverthrowmeoverit.Bringsmeupthatpeak,dragsmerighttotheedge,andwhenhelooksmeintheeyeanddemandscome,hetossesmeoverandwatchesmefree-fallintooblivion,bucklingattheknees.
Withoutmissingabeat,Garrettwindsanarmaroundmywaistandtossesmetothebed.Hiskneeshitthemattressashetearshisshirtoverhishead,andhecrawlstowardme,hittingmewithawinkthathastheheartbeatbetweenmylegspounding.
“Doyouwantmetotasteyou,Jennie?”Hetapsmykneesandtheyfallopenforhim.“’CauseIwannafuckin’tasteyou.”
Ican’tanswer,buthe’snotwaiting.Heshoveshisarmsbelowmylegs,grabsmyhips,andyanksmedownthemattress.OureyeslockandhismouthdescendsrightasIforgetmyownname.
“Ohshit,”Iweepbehindmypalm.Hewrenchesmyhandawayintimeforhisnametocomerippingupmythroatashisfingerspiercethroughme,tongueflicking,mouthsucking.
Peeringupatmewithasmilesobroad,sohandsome,sofuckingwicked,helickshislips.“Mynamesoundssomuchbettercomingfromthatmouthwhenyou’rescreamingitforanentirelydifferentreason.”
Histhumbreplaceshismouthonthatswollennubashedragshislipsupmytorso,thenlicksanachinglyslowpatharoundonetautnipple.“Thesetitsarefuckin’perfect.Perfecttits,perfectpussy.”Hepullsonenipplebetweenhisteeth,tongueswirlingbeforehepopsoff,pressesasearingkisstomymouth,anddisappearsbetweenmylegsagain
Garrett’smouthisexactlyhowIimagineheaven,warmandincredible,likesunshinebetweenmythighs,utterperfectionthatforcesmyfingersintohishair,urginghimcloser.Eachlashofhistongueisfluid,thethrustsofhisfingersdeepandpowerful,andhiseyesmeetmineashesucksmyclitintohismouth.
Myheadfallstothemattressashisnameleavesmylipsagain,mybodyshaking,quiveringwiththetypeoforgasmyouonlyreadaboutinbooks,thekindIdidn’tthinkwerereal.AndGarrettjustburieshimselfbetweenmythighs,drinkingupeveryouncelikehe’lldiewithoutit.
Hewithdrawshisfingersandgivesmethreelanguid,reverentpasseswithhistongue,lickingmecleanasIcollapse,armsovermyhead.Thelightscruffonhisjawticklesmyinnerthighwhenhewipeshisfaceoffthere,andIshudder,tryingtobreatheagain.
Garrettfallsbesideme,themattressbouncingbeneathhisweight.“Fuck,youtasteamazing,”hecroaksout,allgravel.Oureyesmeet,andwhenhisdriftdownmybody,Iheatwithsuddennervesundertheintensityofhisstare.
Iscrambleoffthebed,reachingformyshirt,clutchingittomychest.ItossGarrett’stohim.Hetakesitforthesignitis,thoughIseetheconfusioncoastingthroughhiseyes,marringhisforehead.
It’slessconfusion,morecuriosity,ifI’mbeinghonest.Hedoesn’tknowwhatthismeans,andneitherdoI.Thatfeltgood.Amazing.Butitcan’thappenagain.
Canit?
Islipmyshirton,sinktothebed,andpullmykneestomychestasGarrettstandsandcovershisridiculousabs
“Youshouldgo,”Isay.There’snoforcebehindthewords.I’dlikehimtostay,andI’dliketoridehisfaceuntilIpassoutfromtoomanyorgasms.Isthatathing?Itshouldbe.Anyway,ifhegavemeanypushbackaboutleaving,I’dfoldinaheartbeat,despitetheconfusion.
Unfortunatelyforme,henods.Fivetimes.
“Ishouldgo.”Headjuststhegiantlumpinhispants,andthoughhe’snotasking,IwishIcouldreturnthefavor.Butit’sbeenawhile,andI’mkindof…unsure.He’sprobablyhadtheHolyGrailofblowjobs.I’mcompetitiveashellandhatebeingbadatanything.FindingoutI’mbadatblowjobsisnotsomethingI’mpreparedtohandletonight.“Butwasthat…?”
“Great,”Ianswerbreathlessly,swipingmydamphairfrommyforehead.“Yeah,supergreat.”
“Ohgood.Great.I’mglad.Andyoufeel…?”
Withtremblinghands,Igestureatmysweatyface,thenatmylegs,stillshakingwiththeaftershockofmyorgasms.“Amazing.”
Hisheadbobsasheclapshisfistintohisoppositehand.“Amazing.Good.”Hebackstowardthedoor,pointingatmewithtwofingerguns.“Weshoulddothatagainsometime.”
“Uh,absolutely.”
Hisfacelightsup.“Cool.”
Isqueezemyeyesshut,shakingmyhead.“No,weshouldn’t.”
Hefrowns.“No,weshouldn’t.”
“Carter.”
Henods,solemn.“Carter.”
“So…goodnight?”
Hewaves.“Night.”
Insteadofleaving,Garrettcontinuestostandthere,thetwoofusstaringateachother.I’mstillnakedfromthewaistdown,andI’msittinginanexplosionofmyownfluids.It’suncomfortable,butmorethanthat,staringathimrightnow,hishairamess,cheeksflushed,it’smakingmyladybitsalltinglyagain.
“So,uh…goodnight.”Hiseyeswidenlikehe’sforgottensomething,andhedartsbackover.
Myhearthumsasheloomsoverme,warmhandslidingalongmyjaw,fingerstanglinginmyhairashecupsmyfaceandtipsitup.Hislipscovermineinaslow,heatedkissthatlightsafiredeepinmybelly,andIfistthecollarofhisshirt,wantingtokeephimclose.
“Goodnight,”Garrettsaysagainwhenhepullsaway,thendropshislipstomineoncemore.“Night.”Hejogsbacktothedoor,wavingatmeoverhisshoulder.“Bye.”Hepullsthedooropenandlooksbackatme,eyessweepingoverme,brightlikethesmilehehitsmewithwhenourgazesfinallylock.
“Haveagoodsleep,Jennie,”hewhispers,andthen,forrealthistime,heleaves,footstepsthuddingdownthestairs,thefrontdoorclosingbehindhim,thebeepthattellsmehe’slockedupforthenight.
Ifallbackagainstthemountainofpillowsbehindme,clappingahandtomysweatyforehead.
Fuckme.IndianaBonesisgoingtohavetostepitup.CHAPTER10USAINBOLTGARRETT
Jennie’sbeenignoringmeallweek.
Fourdaysago,Icalledafterherinthelobby.Whenshesawme,shebolted.Literallyran,acrossthelobby,outthedoor,throwingherselfinthebackseatofthetaxiwaitingoutfront,fuckyankleandall.
Twodaysago,Iknockedonherdoor.Withoutopeningit,sheshoutedbackin—Ithink—ahorrendousmixofSpanishandEnglish,claimingtobesomeonenamedGloria,becauseJenniedidn’tlivethereanymore.IsaidIknewitwasherbecauseI’dseenhergetintotheelevator.Shewassilentforanentirethirtysecondsbeforereplying,“MenohabloEnglish.”
I’mfrustratedasfuck.Despitethemind-blowingorgasms,I’dthoughtthere’dbeenashiftinourdynamic,likewewerefinallybecomingfriends.She’dstoppedbeingsoutterlyterrifyingtothepointthatIcouldspeakfullsentencestoher.Ifthat’snotfriendship,Idon’tknowwhatis.
Plus,weleftongoodterms—Ikissedhergoodnight—sowhyissheavoidingme?She’snormallygoodattalkingandyellingandallthat;I’mtheonewhocan’tstringwordstogether.
Shouldwerepeattheorgasms?Probablynot.WouldIliketo?Abso-fucking-lutelyyes.Butifshecan’tlookmeintheeye,howwillweeverbeinthesameroomtogether?Weneedtotalkthisthingoutbeforeitblowsupinourfaces.
Thedoornexttomeopens.IstraightenoffthewallasJenniestrollsoutofherapartment,singingwhatI’mprettysureisthesoundtracktoFrozen
She’swearingskintightplumleggings,highlightingherout-of-this-worldass,apairofthosecomfy,warmbootsmysisterslove,andabaggyhoodie.Atoquedanglesfromthetipsofherfingers,headphonesslungaroundherwrist.Casualhasneverlookedbetterthanitdoesonher.
“Morning,sunshine.Youranklelooksbetter.”
Iwonderifshe’llevernotshriekatme,butknowtodayisn’ttheday.
Sheleapsintotheair,droppinghershittotheground,screamingoutastringofcurses.“Mother…fucker.”Shescoopsupherstuffbeforewhackingmeintheshoulder.“Wasthatnecessary?”
“Basedonthewayyou’vebeenignoringmeforthelastweek?Absolutely.”
“I’vebeen…”Shelooksaroundfortherestofhersentence.“Busy.”
Shit,she’sasbadatlyingasIam
“Thoughtyoumovedout.WhathappenedtoGloria?”
Shefoldsherguiltysmileintohermouth.“Oh,she…justa…friend…sleepover…girl’snight.”Shewavesaflappyhandthroughtheair.“Pillowfightsinourpantiesandallthat.”
“Uh-huh.Listen.”Itakeastepforwardandsheplastersherselfagainstthedoor,terrified.I’mprettysureI’mtheleastterrifyingpersonever,basedontheamountofblushingandstutteringlikeajackassthatoccurswhenshe’saround.ButIstopanyway,becausewearen’tinthebedroom,whichhappenstobetheonlyplaceIlikebeingalittleterrifying.“Weshouldtalkaboutwhathappenedlastweekend.”
“Whathappened?”Hervoicerocketsupanentireoctave.“Nothinghappened.Didyouhappen?”Shesqueezeshereyesshut.“Fuck.”
Ilikethismessysidetoher.ItmakesmefeellikeIgetunderherskinasmuchasshedoesmine.Makesitlessofalonelyplacetobe.
Maybethat’swhyItakeanothersteptowardher,thenanother,untilshe’sstaringupatmewiththosewideeyesthatgivewaytotheinnocenceIthinkhidesunderallherbold.
“C’mon,sunshine.Youcan’tpossiblythinkI’veforgotten.Thewaymynamesoundedleavingyourlipsonrepeatisburnedintomymind,justlikethewayyourmouthopenedwhenyoucamearoundmyfingers,andagainonmytongue.”Itrailafingeroverherhipbeforeslippingmyhandbelowherhoodie,wrappingmypalmaroundherbarewaist.“Wouldyoulikeareminder?”
Idon’thaveacluewhatI’mdoingrightnow.AndJennieis,withoutadoubt,thelastpersonIshouldbedoingitwith.IguessI’vedecided—inthismoment,anyway—Ihavenofuckslefttogive.NotbasedonthewayIdropmylips,lettingthemhoverabovehermouthasthetipofmynoseskimshers.
Jennieclingstome,chinlifting,plushpinklipsreachingformine.Theypartonajaggedinhale,cheeksflushundertheintensityofmystare,thewordsIshouldn’thavesaid.
Andthenshecomesbackdowntoearth,shakingherheadandessentiallybodycheckingmeacrossthehall.Shetwistsbacktoherdoorandjamsherkeyinthelock.
Okay,shedoesn’t,butshesuretries.Shemisses,like,twentytimes,repeatedlystabbingthedoor,markingupthewhitepaint.
“I’dlovetochat,butIgottago!Gottatakeashower.”Sheforcesoutalaughthat’steeteringontheedgeofunhinged.“Istink.”
Myeyesgotoherhair,piledontopofherheadand—“Yourhairiswet.”
Nevermindthatshewasleavingherapartment,notcominghome.Also,shesmellssuperfresh,withhintsofvanilla,cinnamon,andsomethingsweet,likeshespentthemorningbakingChristmascookies.
I’dliketoeathercookie.
No.No,Garrett.That’swhatgotusintothiswholemessinthefirstplace.
Jennie’sdimplesdisappearwhensherealizesshe’sbeencaughtinanotherlie,andshefinallygetsthatdamnkeyinthelock.Thedoorspringsopen,andshetumblesthroughit.
“Greasy.Supergreasy.Myhair.Yeah,Ihaven’tshoweredin…days.”Hernosescruncheswithdisgustatherlie.“Soitlookswet,butit’sjust…”Shecirclesahandaroundherdampbunandsighs,resigned.“Greasy.”
“Jen—”
“Okay-bye-Garrett!”Thewordsflypastherlipswiththesamespeedsheslamsthedoor,andthesoundofchucklingdrawsmyattentionovermyshoulder.
Emilyleansinherdoorway,armscrossedasshegrinsatme.“Knewit.”
Iscrubahandovermyeyes.I’msofuckingtired,andIdon’tknowwhattodowithmylifeanymore.“Knewwhat?”
“Thatyoutwoweregonnafuck.Youcansmellthesexualtensionfromhere.”
“Wedidn’t—ugh.”Irubthebackofmyneck.“Sheseemstense?”
“Sotense.Girlwantsyourdickandhatesthatshedoes.”
IchuckleandEmilysmiles.Thisshouldbeweird,butitisn’t.IntheyearsI’veknownEmily,she’shadplentyofboyfriendsandgirlfriendsinbetweenourcasualhookups.I’mnotworriedthatEmilycaught…whateverthefuckthatwas.Maybenothing.Probablynothing.
Ormaybesomething.Jennie’simpossibletoread.
ExceptlastweekendwhenIateherpussyliketheLastSupper.Prettyhardtomisreadthesignalswhenshe’syankingonmyhair,grindingherpussyagainstmymouth,andmoaningmynameasshecomes.Twice.
“ThingswithJenniearealittle…”
“Challenging,bestfriend’slittlesister,andall?Thosearesomeseriousballs,Andersen!”Emilyknocksmyshoulder.“Proudofyou.”
IslipmyfingersupthebackofmytoqueandscratchmyscalptodistractfromthefactthatI’mfeelingastupidamountofguilt.Iletmyblueballsdothetalking,andnowI’mgonnaspendtherestofmylifetryingtohideitfromoneofmybestfriends.
“Itwasonlytheonce.Won’thappenagain.”
Thetruthismoredisappointingthanitreasonablyshouldbe.
Becauseasitturnsout,offeringtotakecareofJennie’sneedsmight’vebeen,like,theteensiestbitofamistake,andahighlyaddictingonetoo.
Ontheplusside,hersprainedankleseemstobehealingwell.GirlcanboltfasterthanUsain.
***
Adamhasabreakfastdatetomorrow,andnowI’mfucked.
“You’renotfucked,”hesaysforthethirdtime.Imight’veaccidentallysaidthewordsoutloudwhenhetoldusthenewstwominutesago.“It’sonedate.Itmightnotworkout.”
HowdoessomethingnotworkoutwithaguylikeAdam?He’stheverybestpersonIknow,whichisexactlywhyI’mfucked.He’llsettledown,andthenI’llreallybelonely.
“I’mgonnabetheonlysinglefriend,”Imumbleabsently.
“Jaxon’ssingle,”Cartertossesout.“Youguyscanpickupchickstogether.”
“Idon’twanna—Ihate—ugh.”Cheekonmyfist,Iglanceatmylunchmenu,thenAdam.“Where’dyoumeether?”
“Atthegrocerystore.Cerealaisle.Shesaidshelikesdogs.That’sgood,right?”
“Consideringyouhaveadog,that’sprobablyforthebest.”
Adamswirlsthestrawinhischocolatemilk.“Ihaven’tbeenonadateinforever.”
Emmettlooksupfromhisphone.“Carawantstoknowifwecanrunabackgroundcheckonherandalsoifshecandressyouforyourdate.”
ItuneouttheconversationasIconsidermyfuture,whatIwantittolooklike.Myfriendsaretradingnightsatthebarforphonecallsinthehotelroomwiththeirwives,andhangoversforearlymorningtripstoIkea,spendingalltheirfreetimetogether,nothingbutbrightnessloomingintheirfutures.
I’mnotbitter;I’menvious.There’sonlysomuchCODaguycanplayaloneonhiscouchwhilehisfriendsaredoingcoupleyshittogether,likehowCaraextendedthesympathyinvitetoAdamandmetocutdownChristmastreeswithher,Emmett,Carter,andOlivia.They’removingforward,andIthinkI’m…stuck.
Emmettpullsmyattention,pokingme.“Hey,whataboutthatgirl?She’sstaringatyou.Askherout.”
Theprettybrunetteapproaches,andIrollmyeyes.GazelockedonthebackofCarter’shead,shetucksherhairbehindherearsandtakesadeepbreathbeforetappinghimontheshoulder.
“Excuseme.I’mArianna.”
Carterdoesn’tlookupfromhismenu.“I’mmarried.”
Iliftmyownmenutohidemysnort.
Ariannaopenshermouth,andCartercutsheroffbeforeshecanuseit.
“Happily.”HelooksupwithagrinandshowsherOlivia’ssmilingfaceonhisphonescreen.“Isn’tshebeautiful?”Heflipsthroughhisphotos.“Heresheisonourweddingday.Fuckinggorgeous,right?Andhere’sthebabyshe’sgrowingrightnow.That’smybaby.Whatdoyouthink?Girlorboy?We’renotfindingout.Wewanttobesurprised.I’mtryingtoconvincemyselfIseeapenis,though,’causegirlsarescary.”
Huh.AriannamightbefasterthanJennie.She’sbackontheothersideofthedinerbeforeIcanblink.
“That’sexactlywhyit’shardtomeetsomeone,though,”Ipointout,andAdamnods.“Ihavenoideawhensomeoneisgenuinelyinterestedinme,ortherichhockeyplayer.”
“Whataboutyourneighbor?”Carterasks.“Youguysstillfucking?”
“Nah,nothing’sgoingon.Shelivesacrossthehallfromyoursister.”WishingI’dleftoffthatlastbit,Iburymywarmingfaceinmymenu.I’mshitatlying,evenworseathidingthings.IfCarterprodsevenabit,there’sagoodchanceI’llaccidentallyshoutthatItongue-fuckedhissister.“YousaidJenniewasuncomfortablewiththeneighborstuff,soIfiguredsincewe’re,like,friendsbyassociation,Iwouldn’tdoitanymore.”
Cautiously,Iliftmygaze.ThenIdeflate.Carter’snotevenlookingatme.He’sblowingbubblesinhisfuckingchocolatemilk.
“Jenniecanbeabitscarysometimes,butshesaidshehadagoodtimewatchingthegamewithyou.”
MymouthfallsopenandmybrowsskyrocketbeforeIdemandmybrainlowerthembackdowntotheirhome.IchugmydrinktohidethatI’mbarelyhangingonrightnow.“Shedid?”
“Yeah,saidyouategood.Somethingaboutthedessertyoubroughtbeing,andIquote,orgasmic.”Herollshiseyes.“She’ssodramatic.”
“Wonderwhereshegetsthatfrom,”Emmettmutters.
AtleastIthinkthat’swhathesays.
I’mtoobusychokingonthechocolatemilkthat’sgoneslidingdownthewrongtube.
CarterramblesonaboutagoodmealbeingtheonlythingBeckettsneedtokeepthemhappy,andwhileI’mgaspingforair,myentirelifeflashesbeforemyeyes,especiallyatthehard,suspiciousgazeAdamwatchesmewith.
Ifit’smytimetogo,atleastthedessertwasorgasmic.
***
LunchtimegamesonSaturdaysaremyfavorite.Igetmyworkoutinextraearly,hockey’sdonebeforedinner,andwegetarareSaturdaynightoff.
EmmettkeepslabelingCara’stwenty-sixthbirthdaypartytonightaslowkey,butI’mnotsurethatwordbelongsinanysentencewithCara.Idoubttherewillbegirlsdancingonherkitchencounterslikelastyearatthebar,soIguessthat’slowkey.
“Howwasyourdatethismorning,bud?”IaskAdamasIdroptomykneesbesidehim,spreadingmythighsandstretchingmygroin.Mymorningskatewentwell,andgettingbackontheicefeelsexceptionallygood.Coachhasmeonlimitedicetimetonighttoeasebackin,butatleastI’mplaying.I’vebeenwoundtightfromninedayswithouthockey,amongotherthings.Thearenaisbuzzing,thechillfromtheicefeelsrefreshingonmycheeks,andI’mnotgonnalookatJennietheentiregame.Nothingcangowrong.
Adamsighs.“Shedefinitelydoesn’tlikedogs.”
“Butshetoldyoushedid.”
“Well,Ikindawantedoutattheendofbreakfast.”Hechucklesatmyexpression.“SoItoldherIhadtoheadhometowalkBearbeforethegame.Sheinsistedoncoming.”
“Dude.You’retoonice.”
“Ididn’thavethehearttotellherno!Shewaspoutingupatme,withthesebigfuckingeyes…”Hesighsasweclimbbacktoourfeet.“BearjumpeduptosayhellobeforeIcouldstophim.Lickedherface.She,uh…losthershit,toputitnicely.Abouttheslobber,thehair…”
“Aw,c’mon.”Bear’snextlevelonthecutescale,agiant,furrysuck.“She’sout,right?”
“Ifshehadn’talreadybeen,shedefinitelywould’vebeenwhensheaskedifhe’dbearoundmuchlonger.”
“Speakingofdates.”AsprayofsnowslashesmyfaceandcoversmyvisorasJaxonRiley,ournewdefenseman,stopsinfrontofme.Hesparesmeanabsentglance.“Andersen.”
“Riley.”
He’salreadyonmyshitlist.Tobehonest,he’sbeenthereforyears.He’sanarrogantprickwhoshootshismouthoffnonstop.Itgetshimintoalotoftrouble,hencewhyhe’sbeentradedherefromNashvilleafterhissecondsuspensionoftheseason.Coachthinkshecanstraightenhimoutandgetthemostoutofhim.We’llsee.
“Speakingofdates,”herepeats.“Who’stherocket?”
Ifollowhisgazeintothestandsandreplyonautopilot.“CaraandOlivia.”
“Iknowwhotheyare.I’mtalkingabouttheonewiththedimplesandthekillerrack.”
Yeah,Iwashopingthatwasn’tthecase.
MyeyessweepoverJennie,sandwichedbetweenCaraandOlivia.Betweenthethreeofthem,theyappeartohaveboughttheentiresnackbar.
Jennielooksalarminglyprettytoday.Hairdowninsteadofinoneofhersignaturebraids,herthickchestnuttressesrollinwavesaroundhershoulders,highlightingherbroadsmileanddeepdimpleswhenshelaughs.She’salsowearingaskintightteethat,asJaxonmentioned,showcasesherstellarrack.IbitemytonguetokeepfrombraggingthatI’vetastedthem.
Lookingaway,Inabapuck,spinaroundthenetandstuffitbehindAdam.“She’soff-limits.”
“Yours?”
“No.”
“ThenIguessshe’snotoff-limits.”Hisgrinisself-assured,andIcan’twaittowipeitoff.
Ismilebackathim,extramegawatt.“Hey,Carter?”Icallashezoomsbyus,usinghisstickasaguitar.“What’sJennie’srelationshipstatus?Askingforafriend.”
“Nobodytouchesmybabysister.”It’shalfscream,halfsong,andJaxon’sfacefalls.“Ohhey.”Carterfollowsmetothebenchandleansonhisstick,poppingapinkbubbleinhismouth.“SpeakingofJennie.Canyouridehomewithhertonight?Idon’tliketheideaofhertakinganUberlateatnightbyherself.”
MyfirstthoughtisthebackseatofacarlateatnightisthelastplaceIshouldeverbewithJennie.Mysecondisshe’sagrownwomanwho’dlikelylosehershitifsheknewCarterwasorganizingsupervisedrideshomeforher.Mythirdthoughtis—ohfuck
“Yoursister’scomingtothepartytonight?”
Carternods,andmypulsethunders.
“WhyisJenniecoming?”IaccidentallyaskoutloudasEmmettjoinsus.
Hegesturestowherethegirlsarecacklingonaboutsomething.MyeyeslockwithJennie’sbeforeIimmediatelytearthemaway.“’Causeshe’soneofCara’sbestfriends?”
“Sincewhen?”Istupidlydemandratherthanjustsaying,Sure,I’llridehomewithher.
“Uh,sinceOliviaandCarterstarteddating,andnowthethreeofthemspendalltheirtimetogether?”
“Oh.Right.”Fuck.IlooktoCarterandstartwavingonefloppy,glovedhandthroughtheair.ImightaswellbeholdinganeonsignthatreadsIateyoursister’spussyandlikedit.“Um,IthinkI’mgonna…drive.”Iwasn’tgoingto,butifJennie’sgonnabethere,Iabsolutelyneedtostaysober.Ican’thavealcoholimpedinganyofmydecision-makingcapabilities—whicharealreadyflawedandweak—becauseI’lltrytotalkmyselfintoaplaceIwanttobebutshouldn’t,likebetweenherthighswhileIlocateherG-spotwiththetipofmytongue,ormycock.Plus,Jenniedoesn’tdrink,andbeingsupportiveofthatfeelsliketherightmoveinourfucked-upfriendship.
“Perfect.Youcantakeherhome.”Cartercupshisglovedhandsaroundhismouth.“Hey,Jennie!Garrett’sgonnagiveyouaridetonight!”
Giveheraride?That’sexactlywhatIwanttodoandwhatI’mactivelytryingtoavoid.Instead,IattempttoswallowdownmyentireAdam’sappleasImeetJennie’sgaze.
AtleastshelooksasterrifiedasIamaboutwhattypeofrideImighttakeherfor.
Iwonderwhichoneofushasbetterself-control.CHAPTER11PLAYWITHMEGARRETT
Howthefuckdidshegetthoseon?
JudgingbythewayI’mtryingtodecideonaplanofattackforgettingheroutofthem,Jennie’shigh-waistedjeansappeartobepaintedoverherroundassandwidehips.I’mnotallowedtoundressherthough.
Butthesefuckingjeans.Thetight,washed-outdenimflaresbelowherknees,andIswearthoselegsgostraighttoheaven.I’malreadymentallycatalogingallthedifferentwaysIcanwrapthemaroundme(hint:positionnumberoneisovermyshoulders).She’salsowearingthisstupidcroptopthatshowsoffherstupidbellybutton,andallI’mthinkingaboutisshiftingthatshittyexcuseforashirtupandswirlingmytonguearoundthetinyplum-purplegemthatdanglesthere.
Ineedtogetherthefuckoutofmysystem.
“Youdon’tdrink?”
“Huh?”IdragmygazeawayfromJennie,unimpressedthatit’sJaxonRileywho’smademedoso.
Hegesturesatthecanofsparklingcherry-flavoredwaterinmyhand.“You’redrinkingwater.”
“I’mdrivingtonight.”
“Why?”
SoIdon’tmakeanycaptain’slittlesister–sizedmistakesthathavethepotentialtoprematurelyendmycareerviashatteredbones?
“Uh,’cause?”istheintellectualresponseIgivehim.
Jaxon’sgazefollowsmineasitbouncesbacktothegirlinquestion,andhesmirks.Leaningnexttome,hemurmurs,“ThethingaboutherbeingCarter’slittlesisteristhathe’sonlymycaptain,whereashe’soneofyourbestfriends.Whereshe’soff-limitsforyou,she’sfreegameforme.”
Isnort.“Goodluckwalkingouttaherewiththattypeoflogic.”
“Tellyawhat.I’llmakeyouabet.”
“No.”I’mnotentertainingthisjackass.“What’sthebet?”I’mentertaininghimalittle.
“Igethertocomehomewithmetonight.”
Mygriponmycantightens.“Ithinkthefucknot.”
“Becauseyouwanther?”
“Becauseyou’llfuckheronceandghosther,andwe’llbeshortadefensemanwhenCarterknocksyouthefuckout.”Idrainmycanandcrushitbetweenmyhands.“Jenniedeservesbetter.”
Jaxongrins,pullingtwobeersfromtheiceinthekitchensink.HetosseshiswordsoverhisshoulderashewanderstowardJennie.“I’lltreatherrealnice,Andersen.Promise.”JENNIE
I’mhighlyunimpressedwiththestateofOlivia’sbladder.She’sleftmeherealone,andI’mabouttohavetobefriendlywithafuckboy.
Thenewtradesaunterstowardme,asmuggrinonhissmugface.“Prettygirllikeyoushouldn’tbealone.”Heholdsouthishand.“I’mJaxon.”
Iliftmysparklingwatertomymouth.“Iknowwhoyouare.”
Speakingloosely,ofcourse,abouthavingtobefriendly.
JaxonRiley,NHLbadboy,fuckboyextraordinaire,andVancouver’snewestdefenseman,chuckles,takinghishandback.“Allright.That’scool.Iknowwhoyouaretoo.”Heoffersmeoneofthebeerslacedbetweenhisfingers.“Broughtyouabeer.”
“Idon’tdrink.”
Icatchasnortoflaughter,andmygazeflitsoverJaxon’sshoulder,findingGarrett’samusedeyesonus.I’mnotproudtosayIsuddenlybecomealotmoreinterestedinthemaninfrontofme.
Jaxon’snicetolookat,soit’snotanoneroustask.Allmessybrownhair,hazeleyes,broadshoulders,andafullsleeveoftattoosdecoratinghisleftarm,I’mentirelyintoit.Top-shelfFlickapediamaterial,withoutadoubt.AwelcomereprievefromthementalimageI’vebeenflickingittoeverysinglenightsinceGarrettdestroyedmeaftercatchinghisnameleavingmylips.
Ileanintothenewdefenseman,squeezinghisforearm,anddropmyvoicetoapurr.“Butthankyousomuchforthinkingofme.That’sincrediblysweetofyou.”
Hissmirkistooproud.“That’swhytheycallmeSugar.”
Iinwardlyrollmyeyes,trailingmyfingertipovertheflowersdecoratingthecuffofJaxon’swristasGarrettcrusheshiscaninhisfistandreachesforanewone.“Really?Iheardthatwasforanentirelydifferentreason.”
Jaxontakesthebait,steppingintome.“Dessertmightbemyfavoritemealoftheday.”
“Mmm…”IbatmylasheswhileGarrettaggressivelychugshiswater.“Minetoo.”
Ispytheplatterofdoublefudgecupcakessittingonthecounter,rightnexttoGarrett’selbow.Iwalktowardhim,hisfaceheatingthecloserIget.
“Excuseme.”Ibrushagainsthim,reachingforacupcake.“Dessert,”ImurmurwithawinkbeforeheadingbacktoJaxon.“I’vebeencravingsomethingsweetallnightlong.”Iswipemyfingerthroughthefudgefrosting,thenslowlysuckitintomymouth,allthewhilenoticinghowGarrettdemolishesanothercanofsparklingwater.
Jaxon’shoodedgazetracksmyfinger,mylips,thewaymytonguedartsouttomakesureIdon’tmissasinglebitofdecadence.Hebrushesalockofhairoffmyfacebeforehisfingertipsskimmywaist.“Comehomewithme.”
Behindhim,Garrett’sfistendsthelifeofwhatI’mprettysureishisthirdcanofcherrysparklingwaterinthelastfiveminutes.GARRETT
Well,thatwon’twork.Absolutelynot.IfIcan’thaveher,nobodyelseonthisteamgetsher.
“Eh,Carter,”Icallacrossthekitchen.
Jennie’sicystarewidens.ShetakesafranticstepawayfromJaxon,confirmingmysuspicionthatshe’sdoingthistogetundermyskin.
Carteramblesover.“What’sup?”
IinclinemyheadinJennie’sdirection.“NicetoseeJennieandJaxongettingalong.”
Carter’sheadwhipsaround,andhisfistdestroyshisbeercan.“Thefuckheis,”hegrindsout,tossinghiscaninthesinkandstalkingtowardthehappycouple.
Well,Jaxon’shappy;Jennie’snot.
Jaxon’sabouttobebroken,nothappy.
I’mhappy.JENNIE
IhopeGarrett’shadagoodlife,becauseI’mabouttoendit.
IshoveJaxon’shandawayandpinmybrotherwithagrin,extradimply.“Hey,you!Enjoyingtheparty?”
Carter’sinfullgrumpmode,anglinghimselftowardJaxon,strategicallyblockingmefromhislineofvisionandanyfurtherphysicalcontact.“Riley.Iseeyou’vemetmysister.Babysister.Onlysister.Mysister.”
OhChrist.Herewego.Garrett’snotevenbotheringtohidehistriumphantgrinbehindhisfourthwater.Ihopeallthebathroomsareoccupiedwhenhesoonneedsone.
Fuckyou,Imouth,flippinghimthebirdbehindCarter’sback.
You’dlikethat,isI’mprettysurewhathemouthsback.
“Iwasjustintroducingmyself,”Jaxonsays.“She’sbeenverywelcoming.She’sbeautiful.”
“Iknowsheis,”Cartersnapsback.“She’salsotwenty-four.”
JaxonleansaroundCarter,grinning.“I’mtwenty-six.”
Cartersidesteps,thehumanbarrierIdidn’taskfor.“Twoyearstoooldforher.”
Ifrown.“You’realmostthreeyearsolderthanOlivia.”
Carter’sheadswivelsinslowmotion.Imashmylipstogetherathisexpression,mostlytokeepfromlaughinginhisface.Hemaylookthreatening,butI’mfullyawarehe’sagiantteddybearwhospendshistimesingingDisneysongs,carryinghisdog,andplasteringhisearagainsthiswife’sstomachincasetoday’sthedayhecanhearthebaby.
“Hey,Carter,Iwasthinking,withyourpermission—”
“Riley.”Carterdropshishead,shouldersshakingwithhischuckle.HelaysaheavyhandonJaxon’sshoulder.“Look,Ilikeyou.You’reagoodhockeyplayer,niceenoughguy.”Hestepsintohim,andJaxon’seasysmilemeltsoffhisface.“Butifyoufinishthatsentence—”
“Carter—”Hispalmcoversmymouth,haltingmywords.
“Now,Iknowwhatyou’reprobablythinking.ButCarter,she’sagrownwoman.”
“Yes,”Imumblebehindhispalm.“Iam.
“ButCarter,shecanmakeherowndecisions.”
“Ican.”
“I’lltreatherright,blahblahblah.”Heshakeshishead.“Theanswerisno.Youcantouchmysisterovermydeadbody.”
IsmileweaklyatJaxon.Thisisfutile,andIdon’tcareenoughtoargueitwithCarter.“Nicetalkingtoyou.”
WhenJaxondartsoff,Carterturnsbacktomewithasighandadopeygrin.
“SorryRileywasbuggingyou.ThankfuckGarretttippedmeoff.”
Myeyeszeroinonthemaninquestion,theonewho’swatching,wigglingtwofingersinawave.
“Yes,”Imurmur.“Thankfuck.”GARRETT
Ichangedmymind.Iwanther,andI’mgonnahaveher.
Carterwalksaway,leavinghissisterglaringatme,andwhensheflipsmethedoublebird,IknowthatonlyGodcanhelpmenow.
Fuckme,I’mgoingforitanyway.JENNIE
Whatishedoing?Whyishelookingatmelikethat?Ishewalkingthisway?He’swalkingthisway.
Getback,demonboy.
Butalso,comeabitcloser.
No,stoprightthere.
Fuckballs.Ican’tmakeupmymind.
Idragmyclammypalmsdownmythighs,glancingaway.He’sprobablynotcomingthisway.
He’sdefinitelycomingthisway.
Myjawdrops,hegrins,andIdowhatIdobest.
Irun.
“I’mgonnamakeamistake,”Imutter,slippingthroughthecrowd.Iclimbthestairstwoatatimeandbeelinedownthehall.“Ifhetalkstome,I’mgonnamakeamistake.Ahugemistake.Iwon’tbeabletostopmyself.Iwillnotbeabletostopmyself.Hugemistake,Jennie.Huge.No.Nope.”
Iheaveopenthelinenclosetandthrowmyselfthroughit.
Safe
Thedoorswingsopenamomentlater,andthemoonlightfilteringthroughthewindowinthehallwayilluminatesapairofpiercingeyesastheintrudersweepsintothetinyspaceandshutsusin.
“Greatthinkingonthecloset,Jennie.”Garrett’sgravellyvoicesendsashiverdownmyspine.Hesmacksthewall,lightingthespacewithawarmglowviathetinychandelierhangingaboveus,andthemanhasneverlookedsosinister.“Thinkwelostthem.”
Myheartleapstomythroatashestepsintome,towering.Thismanrighthereisalldevilasheslowlycrowdsme,gazelockedonmineashepinsmyhipstothewall.
“Nowtellmeaboutthathugemistakeyouwannamake.”GARRETT
“Lemmeguess…”Jennie’shandssweepupmybiceps,roamingovermyshoulders.Shetanglesherfingersinmyhair,twiningitslowly.ThewaysheturnsherconfidenceonandallthewayuptotenwithoutbattinganeyecranksmygearsinawayIcan’texplain.“YouheardthewordhugeandfiguredImust’vebeentalkingaboutyou.”
“Hey,iftheshoefits.”
“Ego,”shewhispers,draggingmyneckdownuntilmylipshoveroverhers.“Thewordyou’relookingforisego.”Hermouthbypassesmine,lipsskimmingmyjaw,andmycockstartsgearingupforaquickfuckinthecloset.
ExceptIdon’twanttheretobeanythingquickaboutthewayIfuckJennie
“Remarkablehowwellyouranklehealedoverthepastweek,”Imurmurassheleansback.“Couldn’teventellyousprainedittrippingoveryourbag,hurtingitduringpractice,andtrippingoveryourdancepartner,bythewayyousprintedupthosestairs.”
Jenniecheckshernails.“Yes,well,theyhadmestayhomeandrestitfortheweeksoIdidn’taggravateit.Itfeelsfinenow.”Hergazeflipstomine.“I’msorryyourheadisn’tanybetter.”
“Iscoredagoalandgotanassisttoday.”
“Oh,I’mnotbasingitonyourabilitytoplayhockey.Simplyonthewayyouseemtokeepmaking…”Hertonguepokesthecornerofhermouth.“Ill-adviseddecisions.”
Idropmygaze,watchingmyfingertracethewaistofherjeans,thewayherexposedskinjumpsatmytouch.“Idon’trecallmakinganyill-adviseddecisions.Infact,I’vebeentoldthedessertwas…”Dippingmyfingersbelowthewaistofherjeans,Itugherforward.Shecatchesherselfonmychestwithastrangledgasp.“Orgasmic.”
Atinyvibration,rightthereinherthroat,asshetriestohidehersnicker.“Thepopcornwasdelicious.”Herfingersbrushmycollarboneasshefixesthebuttononmyshirt.“Areyouhavingfunplayingthislittlegameofyours?”
“Funnyyoushouldask.That’sexactlywhatIwannado.”Icaptureherhandsinmine,pinningthemoneithersideofherhead.“Iwanttoplay.”
Abeatofsilenceechoesbetweenusasthewordssettle.Jennielaughslowly.
“YouthinkI’mgonnaletyouintomyDisneylandjustforfun?Oh,Garrett,you’readorable.WhatmakesyouthinkI’dagreetosomethinglikethat?”
Ipressmylipstothethunderingpulsepointonherneck.“Besidesthefactthatyourbody’sgivingawayhowmuchtheideaintriguesyou?Ourchemistryisoffthecharts,don’tyouthink?Igoalltongue-tied,youscreamatme’tilyou’rehotandbothered,andallthewhileI’mthinkingaboutthrowingyourlegsovermyshouldersandgorgingonmyfavoritedessert.”Ikissthehollowspotbelowherear,revelinginhershiver.“That’syou,sunshine.You’remyfavoritedessert.”
Withmyhandonherthroat,Ihaulherintomeuntilherlipswaitjustbelowmine,fingernailsbitingintomyshoulders.Breathless,sheclingstomeasIwhispermynextwords.
“C’mon,Jennie.Playwithme.”JENNIE
ThismotherfuckerthinksI’mgonnagiveitup.
“That’ssweet,butyou’renotreallymytype,bigguy.”I’mhopingthelieisn’tasblatantasitfeels,butthechancesaren’tgreat.Mygazeheatsasitcrawlsdownhisbody,slowtocomebackup,andmytongueabsentlyglidesacrossmylowerlipasIrememberthewayhismouthtastes.WhendarkamusementflashesinGarrett’seyes,Iknow.I’maswrappedupasheis,ashewantsmetobe,andheknowsit.
Histhumbnabsmylowerlip,gentlytugging.“Thisisfuntoyou,isn’tit?Theforcedindifference,theteasing.It’spartofwhatmakesthingssoelectricbetweenus.”
Saidelectricitybuzzesthroughmelikealivewiredippedinwater,butIkeepplaying.“Itmustbeincrediblydifficultforyoutowrapyourheadaround.Rich,successful,sexyhockeyplayer,andyetIcouldn’tpossiblybelessinterested.”
“Rich,successful,andsexy,”hemurmurs.“SuresoundslikeI’mrentingaspaceinyourbrain,sunshine.”
“You’renotlettingafewsimpleadjectivesgotoyourextremelylargeheadnow,areyou,Mr.Andersen?”
Hisgrinturnswicked,andIgaspwhenhefiststhehairatmynape,pullingmyheadtaut.Hisgazedrops,hoodedandheated,andhewatcheswithaheady,starvedlookasmybottomlipslidesbetweenmyteeth.
“Anythingelse?”
“You’retootimidandgentle,”Iwhisper,needlinghimonasItoywithhiscollar.“Youdon’tknowhowtotakewhatyouwant.”
Myheartbeatsettlesatthecleftofmythighswhenheflipsmearoundwithoutwarning,pushingmeagainstthewall,hischestflushwithmyback.IgivemyassalittlewiggletoseehowfarIcanpushhim,andbitebackmymoanattheweightofhisdesirepressingdeeperagainstme.
Hislipslingeratmyear.“Thissuddenconfidenceofmine?That’scourtesyofyou,Jennie.KnowingyouwantmeasmuchasIwantyoumakesmefeellikeI’montopoftheworld.”
“Idon’twantyou,”Ibreatheout,evenasIletmyheadfallontohisshoulder,ourfingerstanglingasheshiftstheneckofmyshirtover.
Histeethskimacrossmyshoulder.“No?”
“N-no.”
Garrett’sfingersdancedownmybelly,andeverymuscleclenchesashepopsthebuttononmyjeans.Mysharpinhalespiralsintoanunashamedmoan,andIarchoffhischest,pushingmyselfintohishand,beggingforattentionwhereIwantitmost.
Andthenhereleasesme.“’Kay.”
Iwhiparoundintimetoseehimadjustingthelumpinhisjeans.“’Kay?’Kaywhat?Whatareyoudoing?”Iwatchinhorrorashereachesforthedoor.“Whereareyougoing?Youcan’t…Youcan’tdothis.Garrett!”
Hesweepsasoft,slowkissacrossmycheek.“Enjoyyournight,sunshine.”
Ihatehim.
Ihatehimandhisstupid,hotfaceandhisstupid,hotbodysomotherfuckingmuch.GARRETT
Fuck,shewantsmesobad.It’swrittenalloverherface,theflushofherhighcheekbones,themurderouswaysheglaresatmeeverytimeshefindsmestaring,’causeshe’smadatmefornotfinishingwhatIstarted.
CaraslapsJennie’sassasshemovespasther,remarkinghowincredibleherjeansmakeherasslook,andI’mreadytoripthemrightthefuckoffher.
ShouldItellher?IshouldtellherJENNIE
“Youlookangry.”
“Iamangry,”IgrumbletoCara.Ipinmyarmsovermychest,thenpromptlydropthematthelookofapprovalonGarrett’sfacewhenIpushmyowntitsup.Fuckyou,Imouthtohim.
“Angrysexisthebestsex,”Caratellsmesincerely.
“Iwouldn’tknow.”
“Youcouldfindout.”Carawinks,afingeronherlips.“I’mgreatatkeepingsecrets.”
Sometimesavoidanceisthebestpolicy,soIreachfortheclosestthing,whichhappenstobethefridgedoor.Ipullitopen,staringatnothing.
Cara’schinlandsonmyshoulder.“Forcedproximitydoeswondersfortwohorny,singlehotties.”
“I’mnot—ugh.”
Anotherwinkbeforethebirthdaygirlsashaysaway,andIswivelbacktothefridge,contentwithlettingthecoolairnipatmywarmcheeks.
Iknowthesecondhe’sbehindme.Mybodyreactsbeforemyminddoes,whichisirritating.I’dliketotellhimtogetfuckinglost,butmymouthisn’tformingthewords,andmybody’stremblingwithdesire.Desiretotouch,feel,letmyselfgetlostinthismanuntilnothingelsematters.
Garrettleansovermeonthepretenseofreachingintothefridge,fingersflutteringoverthebottlesofbeer,thoughheneverdoesgrabone.Hishipspressagainstmyassashewhispers,“DoyouhaveapreferenceinhowItaketheseoffyoulater?Icantrytobegentleandpeelthemoffrealslow,butI’mleaningtowardoptiontwo.”
Iswallow.“What’soptiontwo?”
“Idestroythem.Onewayoranother,they’llbeonmybedroomfloortonight,andyou’llbebeneathme,sayingmyname.”Hismouthdipslowasheskimsmybarewaistwithhisfrostyfingertips.“Overandoveragain.”GARRETT
“CanyoutakeusthroughtheMcDonald’sdrive-thru?”
IglanceatCarterinmybackseat.“Putyourseatbelton.”
Hesomehowmanagestosqueezehissasquatchframebetweenthefrontseats,rightbetweenmeandhissister.“I’llputitonifyoutakeustoMcDick’s.”
“You’vegottabekidding.Therewassomuchfoodattheparty.”
“IwantanOreoMcFlurry.”HetapsOlivia’sshoulderfivehundredtimes.She’shalfwaytopassedoutbesidehim.“Wantone,pumpkin?ExtraOreo?Gare-Bear’stakin’us.”
Shecracksasleepylid,smilingatmeinthemirror.Sighing,Iswitchlanes.Youdon’tsaynotoapregnantwomanwhowantsicecream.
“Pushover,”Jenniemumblesunderherbreath.
Carterswingshisarmsoverbothseats.“I’msohappyyou’refriendsnow.Itmakesmesohappy.”Hisforeheadflopstomyshoulder.“I’msohappy.”
I’mhappywhenhedisappearsinsidehishouse,Oliviashoutingbothanapologyandathankyouoverhershoulderwhileshemuncheshericecream.
Jennielookstheoppositeofhappy,gloweringbesideme,butthenagain,shealmostalwayslooksthisway.
“Don’tlooksoglum,sunshine.We’llhaveapleasant,quietridehome,justthetwoofus.”
“I’mnoone’ssunshine,”shebarksback.She’sbeenespeciallysnippysinceIleftherinthecloset.
Iswallowmysnort.“Clearly.”
“Sostopcallingmeit.”
“Butitsuitsyousowell,whatwiththewayyousprinkleiteverywhereyougo.”
Iswearthosearmsofhershaveapermanentspotfoldedoverherchest.“Ihateyou.”
Ireachacrosstheconsole,skimmingtheedgeofherthigh.Herhandsfalltoherlapandherlipspartasshetracksthemovement.“Sureyoudo,sunshine.”
Agrowlrumblesandsheslapsmyhandaway,anglingherselftowardthewindow.TheairbetweenussizzleslikeanelectriccurrenteverytimeIcatchherpeekingoverhershoulderatme.
Atthecondo,weridetheelevatorinsilence,andshefumbleswithherkeywhenIhangoverhershoulderinfrontofherdoor.
“You’renot…youcan’t…”Shepointsatme,thenherdoor,andwagsherhead.Ismile,’causeIthinkwemight’veswitchedroles.
Ileanforwardandsheplastersherselfagainstthedoor,eachbreathheavierthanthelast.OureyeslockasIstepintoher.Shetipsherchinup,wetsherlips,andIturnthekeyinthelock.
JennietumblesbackwardbeforeIcatchherviaafistfulofhercoat.Thelookshehitsmewithhasmethinkingmyjockstrapmightbeusefulformorethanblockingpucks.
“Night,sunshine.”JENNIE
“Stupid…motherfucking…cocky…sonofagoddamnbitch.”Iyankopenthedrawerinmybedsidetable,rootingthroughtherainbowofrubberandsilicone.“Hethinkshecanplaymelikethat?”
AbitterchuckleescapesasIselectoneofmybestfriends:thewomanizer,or,asI’veaffectionatelylabeledher,Ol’Faithful.
“Idon’tneedhim.Ididn’tneedhimbefore,andIdon’tneedhimnow.Itwasn’teventhatgood.”
Itugmyjeansaggressivelydownmylegsandclimbonthebed,feetflatandlegswideasIfixOl’Faithfulovermyclit.Ipressthepowerbuttonsixtimes,crankingherrightuptomax,andmylidsflutterclosedasIsinkintothepillows.
“Ohyeah,”Imurmur,thatlittlebudtightening.Everythingfeelsultrasensitive,tinglylikePopRocks,andIsettlein,readytotakemyselfforaride.MytoescurlasIclimbhigher,pushingthatlittlehunkofmagiccloser,andmylipspartonamoanas—
“Damnit.Whatthehell?C’mon,girl.Youearnedyournameforareason;don’tfailmenow.”Ihammerthebutton,desperateformore.Morepower,morefriction,more,more,more
Butshedoesn’tgivememore,andwhatshedoesgiveme,quitefrankly,isn’tenough.It’salwaysbeenenough.
Frustratedanddesperate,Ireachdownwithmyfreehandandswipemyfingersthroughmyslit.I’mwet,sothat’sgood.Drenched,really.SoIskiponefingerandgorighttotwo.
“Ohyes,”Imoan.“Dualstimulation.ThisiswhatIneed.Sogood.Soperfect.”MyhipsliftasIarchintomypalm.“Abs,abs,abs,”Ichant.“He’sgotgreatabs.Andfingers.Oooh,andthattongue.Hedoeswonderfulthingswiththattongue.Yes,yes,yes.”
Thefeelingwanesasquicklyasitbuilds,andIpumpharder,faster,beggingmybodytoworkwithme,togivemeareleaseI’veneversodesperatelychasedbefore.
Butforeverystepforward,Itaketwobackward.PrettysoonI’mjustmiserablyflickingitwhileIglareatthewall,anannoyinglyattractiveandnewlyarrogantman’sfacesmilingbackatme,remindingmefortheumpteenthtimethatthelittleobjectbetweenmythighscanonlydosomuch.It’snotthosefingersthatstrokedmesometiculously,thattonguethatatemesosavagely.
Andaboveallelse,itlackstheheat,thedetermination,theferocitywithwhichGarrettpromisedtowreckme.
Allwavesofpleasurediedowntoagentleripple,andIchuckOl’Faithful—newnamerequired—acrosstheroombeforeIsprawloutonthemattress,defeated,miserable,andhornyasfuck.GARRETT
Ifixmytrackpantslowonmyhips,choosingtoforgoaT-shirt.Itwon’tstayonanyway.
Makingmywaytothekitchen,Ipourmyselfaglassofwaterandwait,eyesonthestoveclock.
Ismiletomyselfwhenthebangingstarts.Loudandaggressive,likeher,andwhenIleaveherhangingaminutelonger,itturnstoslapping.
Eightminutes.Huh.Igaveherfifteen.She’salwayssurprisingme.
Iunlockthedoorandpullitopen.
Iappreciatethatsheputhershirtbackontocomeuphere,evenifitisinsideout.Herjeansmadeitbackon,too,unbuttonedandhangingoffherhips,andthelongcardiganshe’saddeddoesamediocrejobatbestofhidingthismessofanoutfit.Thoseheeledbootiessheworeearlierdidn’tmakeitbackonherfeet,butherpuppyslipperscompletethelook.
Jennie’sscowlisparticularlyferocious,cheeksrosyasshebreathesheavily.Shewhipsoffhercardiganandstepstowardme.
“Iwannaplay.”CHAPTER12RULES?DOWEHAVETO?GARRETT
MybackhitsthewallwithathudwhenJenniepinsmethere,herwarmfingersandfierygazeroamingmytorso,leavingatrailofwantintheirwake,sodeep,sohot,myskinsinges.
Shedragshertongueslowlyacrossherlipsbeforemurmuring,“Sofuckinghot.”Hereyesfliptomine,thechallengethere.“KeepgrinninglikeajackassandI’llwalkmyassrightthefuckbackoutofhere.”
Iflipusaround,hipspressingherintothewall,fingerscirclingherwristsasIholdherhandsoneithersideofherhead.Hermouthliftstomine,seeking,hungry,sofuckingeager.“Youwon’tgoanywhere,sunshine.”
“Rules.”JenniegaspsasIburymyfaceinherneck,legswrappingaroundmeasIhoistheruptome.“Weshouldsetsomerules.”
Mytonguetrailsthecolumnsofherthroat.“Dowehaveto?”
“Carterwouldneverapprove.”
“AndIdon’twanttodieattheripeageoftwenty-six.It’llbeourlittlesecret.”Iflickmytongueoverthespotbelowherear.“Spoileralert:it’snotlittleintheslightest.”
“Nosleepovers.”
“Excellent.Youseemlikeabedhog.”
Iyankhertopoverherheadanddiealittleatthelacymochabra,thepinkrosebudspeekingoutfrombehindthescantmaterial.Iwantthembetweenmyteethwhileshesinkshernailsintomyshouldersandcriesoutformore
Jennie’seyesarehoodedanddazedasshewatchesme,starved,adesperationI’veneverseenbeforebutvowtocherishforaslongasIgettobeonthereceivingendofit.
Iburymyfingersinherhairandmytongueinhermouth,swallowinghermoansasIgrindheragainsttheweightofmycravingforher.I’mgonnaneedtofuckherhardandquicksothatIcanstartoverandtakemytimewithher.We’vegotallnight.
Butthenshechokesouthernextrule,thetwowordsagarbledmesslostsomewhereinmymouth.
“Nosex.”
Ichuckle.“Cute.”
“I’mserious,Garrett.Iwon’thavesexwithyou.”
Mymouthpausesonherjawandmyhandsstilltheirkneading.Idropherslowlytoherfeet.“Areyouavirgin?’
“What?No!”
“Thenwhywon’tyouhavesexwithme?”
“BecauseI…well,I’m…I’mjust…”Hereyesscalethewallbehindmeassheaggressivelytwinesherhairaroundherfingersuntilitknotsandgetsstuck.WhenIfreeit,sheshovesthetipofherthumbnailbetweenherteeth,nibbling.
Takingherhandgentlyinmine,Ipullitawayfromhermouth.“Jennie.”
“It’sbeenawhile,”sheadmitsquietly.“Afewyears…orso.”
Orso.“Oh.”
“Yeah.I’mjust…notreallyreadytogothereagain.”
“Oh.”
Heatfloodshercheeksthelongershewaitsformetosaysomethingmoresubstantialthanoh,andI’mtrying,IsweartofuckingGod.Nothing’scoming.
Thelightinhereyesdims,andshestepsaway,pickinguphershirt.I’veneverseenhersovulnerablebefore,andsomethinginsidemehurtsatthesightofher.
“Forgetit,”shewhispers.“Thiswasstupid.Iknewyouwouldn’tgoforit.Whywouldanyone?”
Igrabherwrist.“Hangon.”WhatamIdoing?“It’sfine.”Fine?!LieutenantJohnsonscreamsatmefromwherehe’swaytoorestrictedinmybriefs.“Nosex.Icanhandlethat.”Ithinkthefucknot,heargues.Thingis,though,I’vealreadyseenJennienaked.I’veseenherI’mfuckingcomingface.NotonlywouldIliketoseeitagain,butI’dliketobethereasonbehindit.
Butmore?There’ssomethinggoingonhere,somethingthatruinedthisforher.Notallsexisspecial,butsomeissupposedtobe,andwhenitshould’vebeen,Icantellitwasn’t.Idon’tknowifit’srelatedtoherlackoffriends,orthetrustshedoesn’tgiveeasily,butifIcangiveherthosethings—friendship,trust,respect—I’lldoithappily.Iwantwhateverpiecesofherselfshe’swillingtogiveme.
Jenniewatchesmewarily.“Youcan?”
“Takingcontrolofyoursexualityandsettingyourboundariesisfuckingcool,andIrespectthat.”Igestureattheshirtshe’sclutchingtoherchest.“Nowditchthefuckin’shirt,sunshine.I’mgonnaworshipallofyoutonight.”
It’snotuntilIstartstalkingtowardher,asinistergrinonmyface,thatshefullycomprehendswhat’shappeningandfranticallytossestheshirt.SheletsoutayelpwhenIscoopherupandtossherovermyshoulder.Droppinghertoherfeetinmybedroom,Ibendheroverthebedwithmypalmbetweenhershoulderblades.
Thesejeansareafuckingsin,huggingherwickedhips,thatlittlegapatthebackofherwaistjustbigenoughformetosliptwofingersdownandtakeapeekattheheart-shapedasshidingbeneath.They’rethekindwithallthosestrategicallyplacedrips,likethroughonethighandoverherknee.Butmyfavoriteone…
Islipathumbbelowthefrayed,narrowripslicingitswayacrossthebackofJennie’sleftthigh,amereinchortwobelowherasscheek.Whoeverdesignedthesejeans…Iwouldfalltotheirfeet.
MythumbglidesoverJennie’sheatedskin.“Thesenew?”
“Iboughtthemlastweek.”
“Partofthecurrentcollection?Great.”
Jenniefrowns.WhenIdipfourfingersbelowtheslitandsmile,herlipspartinhorror.
“Garrett,”shewarns.
Butit’stoolateforwarnings.I’malreadypulling,andthey’realreadyripping,shreddingintoabeautifulmess.
Jenniegasps,tryingtoturnaround.Ipressmyselfagainstthebacksofherthighs,fistingherhairtokeepherinplaceasIadmireher.
“JesusChrist.”Mybrainisshort-circuiting.Itracetheedgeofherpantiesandherskinpebbles.“Thisassisoutofthisfuckin’world.”Iclapahandtoherasscheek,grinningathermurderousgaze.“Sendmethelink.I’llbuyyouanewpair.”
“Ihateyou,”shegrowls.
“Furthestthingfromit,gorgeous.”Idropmypantstotheground,flipherontoherback,kneelbeforeher,andstartworkingherjeansoff.“AnyotherrulesbeforeIgetstarted?I’mfuckin’starving.”
Ipartherlegs,pressingmylipstotheinsideofherknee,nibblingalanguidpathupherthigh.Shefiststhesheets,headrollingasshewhimpersmyname.ButIwanttohearherscreamit.
“Rules,Jennie.”
“Idon’twanttobeoneofmany,”shesaysonagaspasIbrushherclitthroughherdamplace.“Iknowit’scasual,butIwanttoatleastfeel…”HereyeslockwithmineasIgentlyrubher.
“Special?”Whenshenods,Ichuckle.“You’realreadyspecial,sunshine.”Iwrapmypalmaroundherneckandbringherlipsdowntomine.“Committedfriendswithbenefits?”
Shesucksherbottomlipintohermouth,wideeyesmovingbetweenmine,andnods.
“Deal.Noonebutyou.”
“Justlikethat?Evenwithoutthesex?”
“Justlikethat.Idon’tneedtousemydicktofuckyou.Myfingersandtongueworkjustfine.”
Jenniecomestolifewithanelectric,flirtygrin,slingingherarmsaroundmyneck.“Yes,theydo.”Shetiltsmyheadback,hermouthclaimingmine.“Incaseyouwerewondering,blowjobsarestillonthetable.”
Mybodystillsasmycockroarswithneed.“Theyare?I’mclean,Ipromise.Areyousure?It’sokayif—”
“Justbecausewearen’thavingsexdoesn’tmeanI’mnotgonnapullmyweight.I’mstillgonnasuckyourcock.”
Ifmydickhadarms,he’dbejerkingonebackintohissidetriumphantly.Sincehecan’t,Ido.“Fuckyeahyouare!”Itughertoherfeetandseatmyselfontheedgeofthebed.“Onyourknees,sunshine.”
Hermouthgapes.“ButI—”
“Knees,”Irepeatonawhisper,squeezingthebackofherneck.Jenniefallstoherknees,andIthreadmyfingersthroughherhair.“Sofuckin’sexywhenyou’reonyourkneesand,foronceinyourlife,speechless.”Irunathumboverherparted,swollenlips.“Youokaywithalittlebitrough?”
Hereyespinballbetweenmine,andherinnocencethrowsmeforaloopandspursmeonallatonce.“Rough?”
“Mmm.”Mygrasponherhairtightensandherbreathhitches,heatclimbingherchestasshegripsmythighs.“There’ssomethingaboutyourbossy-as-fuckattitudethatscreams‘bossmethefuckaroundinbed.’”
Ihookherfingersinthewaistbandofmyboxerbriefs,andJenniehesitantlyworksthemdown.Hereyeswidenandsheleansbackasifshe’sscared.LieutenantJohnsonbobsaround,happyandproudashegreetsher,lettingherknowshehasnothingtobescaredof.He’llberealgentlewithher.
“I-I-I—”Jenniestutters,whichissuperfuckingnew,andsuperfuckinghot.
“What’sthematter?Whathappenedtoallthatattitude?”Ihaulherforward,lipsatherear.“AmIincharge?”
FingernailsbiteintomythighsasIdipmyhandandstroketwofingersovertheseamofhersoakedpanties.“Garrett.”
“Sayit,”Idemand.
“You’reincharge.”
“Fuckin’rightIam.Openyourmouth,Jennie.”
Shedoes,withouthesitation,slenderfingerswrappingaroundme.Adropofcumbeadsatthetip,andJennie’sgazeflutterstomine.Shelooksnervous,unsuremaybe.I’mabouttotellhershedoesn’thavetodoanythingshe’snotcomfortablewith,butthewordsdieonmytongueashersflicksout,tastingme.
“Holyfuck.”Thewordsrumbleinmychestashermouthengulfstheheadofmycock.
Itakeherfaceinmyhands,eyeslockingasherpinklipsslidedownmylength,asmuchasshecantakeuntilIhitthebackofherthroat.WhenIgroan,thosepaleeyeslightwithexcitement.Thecornersofhermouthliftasshesmilesaroundme,andit’sinthatmomentIrealizewhatsheneeds.
Encouragement.Reassurance.Praise.SheneedstoknowshemakesmefeelasgoodasImakeherfeel.HersignatureBeckettarrogancedoesn’townthispartofherlife,butifIhaveanysay,itwill.
Itwon’tbehard;shesureashellsucksmycocklikeshewasmadetodoit.I’mabouttocheerheronuntilshebelievesit.
“Fuckyes,”Ihiss.“Justlikethat,Jennie.”Withherhairaroundmyfist,Iforcehergazetomine.“Eyesonme,sunshine.Alwaysonme.”
Jenniewhimpers,shifting,rubbingherthighstogether.She’sdesperateforaffection,attention,friction,andI’mgonnagiveittoher,justassoonasIcome.
Iguideherhead,watchingherswallowasmuchofmeasshecan,cheekshollowingassheslidesbackward.Shepausesonthetip,tongueswirling,handworkingthebase,beforesheswallowsmebackupagain.
“Shit.Don’tstop.Fuck,Jennie,don’tyoufuckingstop.”
Shegrowslouder,movesfaster,slurpinglikeit’sherdamnjob.Ilosemywords,andJennie’ssmileblooms.Hereyesdancewithprideasmyballstighten,andwhenItellherI’mgonnacome,chokingonthewords,shekeepsgoing,gazefixedonmineasIemptymyselfdownherthroat.
“Holyfuck.”
Shelicksthecornerofhermouth.“Howwasthat?”
Ichuckle,grabbingherbythewaistandtossingherontothepillows.“Youwannaknowhowthatwas?”Mykneeshitthebed,andIcrawltowardher.“How’boutIshowyouhowthatwas?”
Mymouthtakeshers,stealingherresponse.There’ssomethingaboutthetasteofmeonherlipsthatmakesmealittlewild,andwhenJenniearchesoffthebed,rubbinghersoakedpussyonmycock,I’mworriedI’mgonnatrytoconvincehertoletmetakesomethingthatdoesn’tbelongtome.
“Jennie,”Iwarnonasnarl.
“Please.”Hernailsbiteintomyshouldersassheslidesherselfagainstmylength,upanddown,coatingmeinher.Hersmell,herwetness,herheat.“Itfeelssogood.”
Andfuck,Ican’tsaynotoher.
MyfingerssinkintoherplushassasIsqueezehertomewithonehand,theotherrunningalongtheedgeofherjaw,anglingherhungrymouthtomine.It’severybitswallowedmoan,sweepingtongues,nippingteethasJennie’shipsliftandIslidethroughherfoldsoverandover.
Hernailsrakedownmybicepsasshetearshermouthfrommine,gaspingforair,andIpullonepinknippleintomymouth.MytonguerollsoverthetautpeakbeforeItugitbetweenmyteeth,andashiverofpleasurerocketsupmyspinewhenJennie’snailsscoredownmyback,mynameleavingherlipsonamoan.I’mgoingtocome,andJennie’sgoingtospiralwithme.
“Yougonnacome,sunshine?”
Jennie’seyesrolldownfromheaven,andshesmirksthatBeckettsmirk.“Yougonnamakeme,Gare-Bear?”
Istealhergrinwithmyown,andheatspreadslikewildfirethroughoutmybody.Onthenextrockofmyhips,Ireachdownandspearherwithtwofingers,replacingmycockwithmythumbasIrubherclitwithoutmercy.Jennieexplodesaroundme,mouthopeningonacry,cheeksandtitsflushedandrosy,andwhenIcatchsightofthatswollen,glisteningpussy,mycockpulses.
“Jesusfuck.”Irolloffthebedasmycockemptiesallovermyhand,seepingthroughmyfingersandtothefloor,whichisdefinitelynotwhatIplannedandwhatafuckingmess.“I’veneverdonethatbefore.”
Breathless,Jenniesprawlsoverthemattress,swipingherchestnuthairfromherdampforehead.“Cameinyourhand?Ordry-humped?”
“Therewasnothingdryaboutthat.Fuckin’NiagaraFallsdownthere.”
Standingbeforeme,shetrailsafingertipalonghercollarbone,peekingupatmefrombeneathdarklashes.“IwasthinkingaboutChrisHemsworth.”
“Thefuckyouwere.”Iclapahandtoherass.“Bathroom.Shower.Now.”
“Youknow,you’returningouttobealittlebitbossy.”
“Andyou’reafuckloadbossy.”Grippinghernape,Isteerherintothebathroomandcranktheshower.“NowgetintheresoIcanmakesureyou’rethoroughlycleaned.”
Shedoes,andIdo.Severaltimesover,’causebeingthoroughissuperimportant,andI’mnothingifnotdetailoriented.
It’snearlyfourinthemorningwhenweridetheelevatordowntoJennie’sfloor,hairdampandbothofussqueakyclean.
Jennieturnstomewiththiscoylittlehalfsmileassheunlocksherdoorandstartsbackingin.“Thanksfortheride,Andersen.Asolidsixouttaten.”
“Sixouttaten,myass.Irockedyourworld,sunshine.”
Shefingersawetlockofhairthathangsdownmyforehead.“I’llonlyhavetouseIndianaBonesoncetonight.”
Mychestrumblesasshegrins,andshegripsafistfulofmyshirt,haulingmeintoher.Hertongueslidesintomymouthasmyhandscrawluphertop,circlingherwarmwaist.
Istartwalkingherbackward,’causenowI’mthinkingroundfoursoundsrealnice,butJenniedisengages,slappingmyhandsaway.
“G’night,Gare-Bear,”shesings,thenpromptlyslamsthedoorinmyface
Handsonmyhips,IlookdownatLieutenantJohnson,snugandcontentinmytrackpants.“Wedidit,bigbuddy.Wedidit.”CHAPTER13NAILINGITJENNIE
Inoneear,outtheother.That’swhat’shappeningrightnow.Tobefair,Mom’sbeenonaboutOlivia’sbabyshowerplansforfortyminutesnow.She’ssurpassedoverthinkingterritory,soI’veresortedtostaringoutthecoffeeshopwindow.
Fatsnowflakesfallslowly,turningdowntownVancouverintoawinterwonderland.It’sprettytowatch,mesmerizing,evenifI’mcountingdownthedaystospring.Sleetandsnowbringdangerousdrivingconditions,alongwithalotofunnecessaryanxiety,andthefleetingdaylighthoursaredepressing.
“Jennie?Areyoulistening?Idon’twanttodisappointOlivia.”
Ileavethebleak,graydayontheothersideofthewindowandlookatmymom.Herwide-eyedexpressionishalf-annoyed,half-worried.
“Please,Mom.Olivia’salreadyreachedmaximumdisappointmentlevels;shemarriedyourson.”
“Jennifer.Iswear,theteasingbetweenyouandyourbrotherisridiculous.”
Besideme,Hanksipshiscoffee.“Teasingisthelovelanguageofsiblings,Holly.”
Truth,butCarter’slovecan,onoccasion,beatouchsuffocating.LikerightnowasIcheckmyphone.
World’sBestBro:dancepracticedone@5?i’llpickuup.
World’sBestBro:ucanhavedinnerwithmenollie
Oneguessatwhonamedhisphonecontact.
Me:Takingthebushome
World’sBestBro:don’tthinkso.it’llbestartingtogetdark.
World’sBestBro:orucouldtakeoneofmycars.have5.
Me:Thanks,butno.
World’sBestBro:thx,butya.pizza?orindian?
Withasigh,Iflipmyphoneupsidedownandgivemymomalook.“Yoursondoesn’ttakenoforananswer.”
“Hedidn’tgetthatfromme.”
Myphonedingsagain,andI’mreadytotellmybrotherwherehecanshoveallfiveofhiscars.Instead,mycheeksheatatthebearemojilightingmyphone.
Bear:Playtonight?Weflyoutinthemorningforafewdays.
TellinghimIcan’tmakesmesadderthanseemsreasonable.ForyearsI’vebeenhappywithmypersonalsatisfactionandgrowingtoycollection.Inafewmeaslydays,Garrett’smanagedtothrowthatalloutthewindow.
ItackonsomethingaboutCarterbeingademandingshitwithhisinsistencetokidnapmefordinner.Otherwise,theanswerwouldbearesoundingyes,andoneofuswouldbeonourkneeswithinthirtysecondsofbeingbehindcloseddoors.
Bear:I’llpickuup.Tellhimugotaridewithafriend.
Garrettmustsensetheincomingargumentwhenheseesthosethreedotsjumpingaround—mostlybecauseCarterknowsmyonlyfriendsarehisfriendsandSimon,andhe’dhaveashitfitandburstacarotidifSimonweredrivingmehome—becauseanothertextcomesinbeforeIcanfinishmine.
Bear:GivemeattitudeandI’llgiveitrightback,urchoice.
Me:Don’tthreatenmewithagoodtime.
Bear:I’llbeoutfrontat5,sunshine.
Idon’tknowmuchaboutGarrett,butIdoknowaswitchhasbeenflipped,oneIdon’twanthimtoturnoff.
“Gosh,youknow,Ireallyhopethisbabydoesn’ttakeafterCarterinthesizedepartment,”Mom’sbusysaying,jottingdownnotesinherplanningjournalasIsipmydrinkandrejointheconversation.“PoorOlliewillbesplitrightinhalf.”
Mycappuccinoslidesdownthewrongtube,scorchingmywindpipe.Islapahandovermymouthtocatchthesputteringliquid.
“Ithinkthat’sexactlywhatCarter’shopingwillhappen,”Hanksupplies.“Nothingwouldmakehimprouderthanmakingamonster-sizedbabytomatchhismonster-sized—”Hankcutshimselfoff,skinaroundhiseyeswrinklingashetriesnottolaugh.“Sorry,sorry.Thatboy’sreallyrubbedoffonmeafteralltheseyears.MyIrelandwouldbewashin’mymouthoutwithsoapforthatkindoflanguage.”
Isnicker,breakingoffapieceofmyapplepiemuffin.
“Wow,Jennie,areyouhavinglunchwithyourgrandparents?”
MyskinpricklesatthevoiceI’vecometoknowwelloverthelastfouryears.Krissystaresdownatmewiththesameself-absorbedgrinshealwayswears,alongwithhertwoblondelackeys,theAshley’s.Yeah,they’rebothnamedAshley.Well,technically,oneisAshlee,twoE’s.
“That’ssocute,”shecontinues.“Mygrandparentsusedtobemybestfriends,too,whenIwasakid,butI’moldernow.”
Islingonelegovertheother.“Andnowthatthey’vegottentoknowyou,theyrealizetheydon’tlikeyouallthatmuch?”
Krissygivesmeasmilenearlyastightastheridiculousbunsoneithersideofherhead.“You’resofunny,Jennie.Weshouldhangoutsometime.”
Ihatethewaymyfacelightswithintrigue.IfIcanfeelit,shecanseeit,andIdon’tunderstandmyreaction.Nopartofmedesiresbeingpartofthisclique.Everycomplimentisbackhanded,everyconversationawhisperwhilethey’retuckedinthecornerofthedancestudio,asecretI’mnotinon.AndyetalltheseyearsI’vestruggledwithenvyfortherelationshiptheyshare.
Becausetheyhaveeachother,andIhavenoone.
Idon’tneedthenegativitypeoplelikethemwouldundoubtedlybring,butIwouldn’tmindhavingsomepeopleinmylifethathaven’tcomeviamybrother,onesthat’lltakemeforme.
Mom’sgazefollowsasKrissyandA2sashayaway.Sheblinksatmeinsilence,severaltimesover,beforeherexpressionmorphsintooutrage.“Didshejustcallmeagrandma?”
“You’reabouttobeagrandma,”Ipointout.
“Toababy,Jennie,notatwenty-four-year-oldwoman!”Sheswivelsinherseat,andIhidemyfaceinmycappuccino.She’sabouttodemonstratethatshecanbeasembarrassingasCarter,thoughsheclaimshedidn’tgetitfromher.“Hey!Yeah,youthere,withthePrincessLeiabuns!I’myoung,okay?Istillgetmyperiod!”Shestands,sweepingbothhandsdownherbody.“Youwishyoucouldlookthisgoodwhenyou’remyage!”Sheplopsbackdown,slicinganaggressivehandthroughtheair.“Pfft.Grandma.”
“TheythoughtHollyandIweremarried?”Hank’sgrinissowideashedustsoffhisshoulder.“IalwaysknewIwashotstuff.”
And,yousee,I’dratherhaveathousandMomsandHanksthanoneKrissyandtwoAshleys.
***
“Missedyoulastweek,Jennie.Gladyou’reback.”
MyfingerstraildownSimon’sarmtohishand,wherehetakesmineasIspinawaybeforehepullsmebackin.
“C’mon.”Hegripsmywaist,liftingmeintotheair.Thelandingfeelsallwrong,butIpushthroughit.I’mdesperateforthistoendsoIcangohomeandmakeGarrettflickmybean.I’malsohopingforsnacks.“Youreallynotgonnatalktome?”
I’mreallynotgonnatalktohim.
“No,no,no,no.Stop.Stopthemusic.”Mikhail,ourdancecoach,burieshisfacebehindthewadofpapersinhishandassilencefillsthestudio.Eyesclosed,heholdsonehandup,waiting,andIstandwithmyhandsonmyhips,tryingtocatchmybreath.Withaheavysigh,heflingshisarmswide,tossingthepapersintheprocess.“Whatishappening?Whatisgoingon?Icallyoutwomydiamonddazzlersforareason.Youwereborntodancetogether,andwhenyoudoitright,you—”clap,“both—”clap,“dazzle—”clap.“Idon’tknowwhatthatwas,butitwasnotdazzling.”
Mikhailexpectsperfection;it’swhathealwaysgave.BorninRussiasomefifty-oddyearsago,theman’sbeendancingsincehecouldwalk,andonstageataprofessionallevelforforty-twoofthoseyears.He’smagicalandterrifyingallatonce,likeamythicalcreature,andwhenhewalksthroughthehall,everyvoicefallssilent.Mostpeoplestayinhisgoodgracesbysimplykeepingtheirmouthsshutanddoingwhatthey’retold.I’moneofthefewthatgetstoworkmycharmonhimeverynowandthen,butwhetheritworksisacrapshootIneverknowtheanswertountilI’vegivenitmybestshot.
“Jennie,youranklelooksgreat,butyou’restiffoutthere.You’relikea…”Heliftshisarms,wavingthemawkwardly.“Likeadamnpuppet.It’shorrifying,utterlyhorrifying.It’slikeyou’renotcomfortablewithSimon.”
Correct
Hedrumshisfingersagainsthispursedlips,thenshrugs.“Shouldweincreasehoursthisweek?Maybethetwoofyoucanbookthestudioanddosomeafter-hoursbonding.”
“Ithinkthat’sagreatidea,Mik,”Simoneagerlysupplies.
“Uh,no.”Oops,meanttothinkthatone,notsayit.“I’mjustnotfeelingmybesttoday.”Handonmystomach,Ipullasickface.“Wenttothissketchysushiplacelastnightand—”
Mikhailholdshishandup.“WasitSushiParadise?OnMainland?Iswear,thatplaceistheworst.”Heclapstwice.“Saynomore.Let’scallitanearlynight.Jennie,gohome,hydrate,andgetanearlysleep.Takeiteasy,youhear?Letsomeoneelsedoalltheworktonight.”
“CanIgetthatinwriting?”Ijoke,thenwaveoffmyownlaughterathisexpression.Today’snottheday.Garrettwould’velaughedthough.Icanprobablystillconvincehimtodoalltheworkanyway.Helikesafullto-dolist.IscoopupmythingsbeforeSimoncansayanythingthatmightgethimkneedinthenuts,andwaveovermyshoulder.“Night!”
We’redoneahalfhourearly,soItextGarrett,lettinghimknowI’llgrabthebus.Igetaphotoofthefrontofthebuildingfrombehindawetwindshield,andthewordsalreadyhere,soImakeabeelinethere,ignoringmynameasSimonhollersit.
Thesnowisheavyandwet,thekindthatmeltsandturnstoslushassoonasithitstheground.MyfeetslipthroughitasImakemywaytoGarrett’scar,andIrollmyeyesasSimonburstsoutthedoorsbehindme.
“Jennie!C’mon!Youcan’tignoreme!”
“Youknow,whenpeopletellmeIcan’tdosomething,itonlymakesmewannadoitharder.”Iturn,jabbinghiminthechestwithmyfinger.“I’mgonnaignorethefuckouttayou,youtwat-waffle.”
“Ohcomeon!Yourankle’sallbetter.Nopermanentdamage.”
“Yes,thankgoodnessIdidn’tpermanentlydamagemyanklewhenIwasrunningawayfromyou.NotonlydidImanagetoavoidanylastingdamagethatmight’vejeopardizedeverythingI’veworkedsohardformyentirelife,Ialsomanagedtoavoidavenerealdisease!”
Simonrollshiseyes.“Don’tbesodramatic.I’mclean,andyoudidn’tneedtorun.”
“Really?Nodidn’tseemtobeworking.Oristhatwordjustnotinyourvocabulary?”Iturnmybackonhim,continuingmytrekthroughthesnow.Thegroundisslickandwet,myUGGshavezerotraction,andIcanbarelysee.
“Look,Jennie,I’msorry.Ithoughtyouwereintoit.You’realwaysflirtingwithme.Maybestopsendingmemixedsignals.”
Everymuscleinmybodytenses,lockingmeinspot.
“Pardonme?”Iasklowly,takingonesteptowardhim,thenanother.Another,ashebacksup,andonmyfourthsupposed-to-be-threateningstepinhisdirection,mybootgoesslidingthroughgrayslush,legssplitting.Istartfallingbackwardafterashittyattemptatregainingmybalancebygrabbingontoair,which,bytheway,doesn’twork.I’mlesspissedabouttheslushI’mabouttowearandmorepissedI’velostthefeardancinginSimon’seyes.
Athickarmwrapsaroundmywaist,quicklyrightingmeonmyfeet,andGarrett’sblue-greeneyespeerdownatme.TheconfusionandangermarringhisforeheadisanexpressionIhaven’tseenbefore,onethatstopsmybreath.Withahandonmylowerback,heguidesmeforcefullytohiscar,allbutstuffingmeintothepassengerseat.
“Thefuck’shetalkingabout?”Garrettdemands,gazerakingoverme.“Hehurtyou?”
“I’mfine,”Igrumble.
“Did.He.Hurt.You?”Hisgravelly,harshtonehasmymouthgapingandbutterflieserupting.Bossylooksso,sogoodonthisman.
Igesturehaphazardlytowardmypreviouslyinjuredankle.Garrett’sgazehardensbeforehestalksoff.
Garrett’snotafighter.He’sacarefree,laid-backguy,thateastcoasttwangmakinghiswordslanguidandhappy.Ittakesalottorattlehiscage.JudgingbythewayheloomsoverSimon,forcinghimbackward,I’dwagerthisisoneofthosetimes.
IwatchasSimonnodsrepeatedlyatwhateverGarrett’ssaying,handscomingupbetweenthemlikeashieldbeforehefinallyscramblesbackinsidethebuilding.
Whenthenormallyshy,awkwardmanslidesintothedriver’sseatwithoutaword,I’mequallyturnedonandannoyed.
“Whatdidyoudo,Garrett?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.Whydidyougetinvolved?IcanhandleSimon.”
Garrettglancesoverhisshoulderbeforepullingintotraffic.“Carterwouldkillmeifhefoundoutyouhurtyourankleafterthatdouchebagtriedtokissyou,andIdidn’tdoanythingaboutit.”
“Right.Carter.”Becauseitalwaysgoesbacktohim,everyfuckingtime.
Silenceandangerdrenchtheairbetweenuslikeaheavyfog.Myskincrawls.
“Idon’tneedaboyfriend,”Isnap,shovingafingerintohisshoulder.“AndIcertainlydon’tneedachaperonewhothinksIcan’ttakecareofmyselfandonlylooksoutformebecauseofsomeridiculouslymisplacedsenseofdutytomybrother.”
Garrettnabsmyfinger,wrappinghishandtightlyaroundmineinanefforttocontrolmyviolence.Forthemostpart,Istrivetobecontrolledbynoman.ButIkindalikethewayhecontrolsme,youknow,physically,andwhilenaked.Slightlymessedup.
“Ididn’tasktobeyourboyfriend.Iaskedto—respectfully,Imightadd—wreckyourbodyinawaythatbothofusenjoyimmensely,basedonthewayIcan’tkeepmytongueoutofthereandyoukeeptryingtodetachmyhairfrommyscalp.Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mgonnasitbyandletsomeonedisrespectyouoryourboundariesjustbecausewearen’tdating.I’mstillgonnahaveyourback.”
Okay,notexactlytheresponseIwasexpecting.Still,Iyankmyhandbackandcrossmyarmsovermychest,grumblingquietly,“Idon’tneedprotecting.”
“I’llkeepthatinmindforthefuture.Butif,inthefuture,IhappentoaccidentallypunchSimonSyphilisinhissmart-assmouth,don’tthinkofitasprotection.Thinkofitaskarma.”
Thecornerofmymouthtwitches.“IcallhimSimonSyphilis.”
Garrettgracesmewithalopsidedsmile.“Fortherecord,Ididn’tdothatjustbecauseofyourbrother.I’msorryitcameoutthatway.Thisthingbetweenyouandmehasnothingtodowithhim.AndIknowyoucantakecareofyourself,Jennie,trustme.I’vebeenonthereceivingendofyourwrathmanytimes.ButfromwhatIgather—sinceyouwon’tcomeoutrightandtellme—youtoldhimno.Andnobodyfuckingtouchesyou.Exceptme,”headdswithawink.“Withyourpermission,ofcourse,becauseIdon’thaveadeathwish.”
Igigglequietlyasmyangerdialsdowntoasimmer.
Garrettclearshisthroat,gesturingattheStarbuckscupinthemiddleconsole.“I,uh,gotyouadrink.Figured’causeitwascoldandsnowy,plusyou’reprobablytired.”
“Oh.Thanks.”Ibringthewarmdrinktomynose,inhalingthescent.Itsmellsdelicious,likeChristmas,robustandheavenly,withhintsofcinnamonandnutmeg.
“Ididn’t,uh…”Heshoveshisfingersbeneathhistoqueandscratcheshishead.“Ididn’tknowwhatyoulike,butyoualwayssmelllikecinnamonandcoffee,so…yeah.”
Ismileagainstthelid.“It’sperfect,Garrett.Thankyou.”
Thecarrollstoastopataredlight,andGarrett’seyesflitbetweenmeandtheroad,fingersdrummingthesteeringwheel.Onthefourthlook,Ifacehim,preparedtotellhimtospitwhateverthefuckitisoutalready.
Butheleansovertheconsole,pressingaquickkisstomylips.
“Uh,hi,”hesays,asifwehaven’tbeentogetherforthelastseveralminutes.
“Hi,”Ilaugh.“Youdon’thavetokissmewhenwesayhelloorgood-bye.Wearen’tdating.”
“Iguess,butIlikekissingyou,soit’snotabigdealaslongasyou’recoolwithit.Unlessyou’renotcoolwithit.Ifyou’reuncomfortable,thenIwill…stop.”Hestaresstraightahead,eyeswidelikehehasnocluewhathe’sdoing.
Idon’tknow,either,tobehonest.Ihaven’tbeeninarelationshipsincemysenioryearinhighschool,anditwasn’tparticularlyhealthy.Sofriendswithbenefits?NotonlydoIhavenoideawherethelinesaredrawn,Ihavenocluehownormalpeopleinconsentingrelationshipsactever.IguessIcanthinkofthisthingbetweenusasmytestrun.
“Idon’tmind,”IfinallysayasGarrettpullsintohisparkingspot.“Ijustdon’twantyoutofeellikeyouhavetodoboyfriendcrapbecausewe’regettingnakedtogether.”
“Idon’tminddoingboyfriendcrap,likepickingyouupandgettingyoucoffee.Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,wecancallitcommittedfriendscrap.”Garretttakesmybagandmyhand,helpingmeoutofthecar.“Besides,ifyouweremygirlfriend,I’dtellyoutocarryyourownshit.”
“Asif.You’reasap.”
“Nope.”Hedirectstheelevatortothepenthouseashiseyesglideoverme,heatingontheway.“Thenyou’dyellatmeformakingyoucarryit,andI’dtellyoutogetoveritandstopactinglikeaprincess.”Hestepsintome,lipssweepingmyjaw,pausingatmyearasheslipsahandbelowmytop.“Justtopushyourbuttonsalittlefurther,getyouallriledup.”Hegrabsmyhandandtowsmeoutoftheelevator,downthehall,andinsidehiscondo.“Couchorbedroom?”
“Couch,”Ianswerbreathlesslyashepullshisshirtoverhishead.
HeyanksmyleggingsdownandIfumbleoutofthem,grippinghisforearmswhilehewalksmebackward,wearingthatself-righteoussmirkIlove/hate.
Garrettspinsmearoundandshovesmeoverthearmofthecouch,hischestagainstmybarebackwhenhetugsmyshirtoff.“Andwhenyouweregoodandangry,I’dbendyouoverthecouch,justlikethis.”Pushingmypantiesaside,heswipestwofingersalongmyslit.I’membarrassinglydrenchedfromafewsimplewords,andGod,Ifuckingwanthim.“AndI’dfuckyouright…here.”
Ishootforwardwithagasp,clawingattheleatherashisfingerspiercemyentrance,andGarrettspendsthenexthourshowingmeexactlywhatI’mmissingwithmyno-sexrule,andhowluckyhisfuturegirlfriendisgoingtobewhenshe’sonthereceivingendofhisbody,hisattention.
Garrettstepsoutofthebathroom,shakinghisshaggyhairoutinatowelwhileIpullmypantieson.“Youhungry?”
“Ishouldgo,no?”I’mstarving,butI’llorderinwhenIgethome.Idon’twanttooverstaymywelcomenowthatthenakedfunisdone.
“Nah.Why?There’sagameon,andwe’replayingthehometeamthisweek.”Hetossesahoodieandapairofsweatpantsatme.“Let’sorderpizzaandwatch.”Hestrollsfromthebedroom,wherewewoundupsomewherebetweenthethirdBigOandtheshower,rightouttothelivingroom,notstickingaroundtoletmeoverthinkthesimpleinvite.
SoI’lloverthinksomethingelse,likehisclothesinmyhands.Ishouldputonmyown.Butheoffered,didn’the?Soit’snotweird,right?
Hissweatsswallowmewhole,engulfingmeinwarmth.Theysmelllikehim,thishomey,comfortingscent,likefreshlaundryandcedarwood.It’snice,andImakemywaydownthehall,pullingthestringsatmywaisttight.
Garrett’sstillshirtless,sweatpantshanginglowonhiships,showingoffthosedipsrightabovehisperfecthockeybuttasherootsthroughhispantry.“Pizzawillbehereinforty,”hemumblesaroundamouthfuloffoodasheturnstowardme.“ButIcouldn’twait.”Heholdsupablueboxandswallows.“Wantone?”
“Whatthehellarethose?”
Hisexpressionisaperfectmixofconfusionanddisgust.“Pop-Tarts?”
“No,Iknowthey’rePop-Tarts,but…”Itaketheboxfromhim.“CinnamonSugarPretzel?I’veneverseentheseonesbefore.”Iyankanotherpackagefromhisotherhand.“AndDunkaroos?Ihaven’thadthesesinceIwasakid!Ididn’tthinktheyevenmadetheseinCanadaanymore.”
“Theydon’t.Bevgetsthemforme.”
“Bev?”
“Yeah,Beverly;Adam’smom.ShelivesinDenver.She’smysnackdealer.”
“Yougetyourfriend’smomtosendyousnacksfromtheStates?”
“Fuckyeah,Ido!Theygotthebestshit.”Hegesturesathispantry.“Checkoutmystash.”
Irootthroughthebagsandboxesofforeigncereals,specialeditioncookies,candyI’veneverheardof,stoppingwhenIgettoayellowbag.“Flamin’HotFunyuns…”Iwrinklemynose.“Thesesoundhorrendous.”
Garretttosseshisheadback,moaning.“They’refuckingamazing.”WhenIgag,hegrins.“Don’tknock’em’tilyoutry’em.
InabapackageeachofPop-TartsandDunkaroos,andGarrettfollowsmetothecouch.“Newrule:noFunyunsbeforewemakeout.”
“Fine,butthey’refreegameafterI’verockedyourworld,sunshine.”
Hestretchesoutonthecouch,pullingmedownbetweenhislegsasheturnsonthehockeygame.IpeelbackthewrapperonmyDunkaroos,andGarrettshoveshisfingersinside,stealingacookieanddunkingitinmyfrosting.
“Ohhey.Canyouticklemyback?”Iask.
“Tickleyourback?”
“Please.”Ishovethesnacksintohishands,placeapillowonhischest,andflopontomybelly.Shiftinghishoodieupmyback,Iguidehisfreehandthere.“Itfeelsniceandhelpsmerelaxbeforebed.MymomusedtodoitwhenIwasyounger.”
GarrettplacesaPop-Tartbetweenhisteeth,pushesafrosting-coveredmini-cookiebetweenmylips,andwindshislegsaroundminebeforetrailingthetipsofhisfingersupanddownmyspine,aroundmyshoulderblades.“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”Isigh,nestlingmycheekintothepillowasIwrapmyarmsaroundhim.
“Lookatus,”heboasts.“Killingthewholefriends-with-benefitsthing.Knewwewould.”
Iholdmyfistup,andhebumpshisagainstmine.
“Nailedit!”CHAPTER14HI,MOM.IRUINEDTHECARPETGARRETT
I’magoddamngenius.
FriendswithbenefitswiththehottestgirlIknow,nostringsattached?Comeon.I’mreapingallthebenefitsofanexciting,newrelationshipwithoutalltheboringcrapthatcomeswithalong-termonewhenthenoveltywearsoffandthingsstarttogetmundane.
Besides,themundanestuffiskindafunwithJennie.LikewatchingTV,eatingpizza,andticklingherback.Ididn’tevenmindwhenshefellasleepinmylap.Andwhenshewokeupanhourlater,suckedmycocklikeaqueen,thentoldmeitwastimeforhertogo,Ididn’tmindtheneither.Iwalkedhertoherdoor,gaveherakiss,andgottosprawloutinmyownbedallalone.
Youknowwhatyoucan’tdowhenyou’reinarelationship?Sleepdiagonally.
Sure,theno-sexrulewasalittledisconcertingatfirst,butexploringalltheadventurouswayswecangeteachotherthereisfunasfuck.
Andbestofall?Idon’tfeelsolonelyanymorewhenmybudsimmediatelypulltheirphonesouttotexttheirwivespostgame.EvenAdamhasatextfromOlivia,who’scurrentlypup-sittingBearforhimwhilewe’reaway.HeproudlyflashesustheattachedphotoofBearandDublinsprawledouttogetherinfrontofthefireplace.
Hidingmysmile,Iopenmyownwaitingmessage.
Sunshine:Toughloss,bigguy.NocongratulatoryBJforyou.
Me:ConsolationBJ?LieutenantJohnsonissadandonlyucancheerhimup*sademoji*
Sunshine:Notsureit’sinthecardsforyou.
Me:Ichecked,anditis.GonnafuckurmouthwhenIgethomelaterthisweek,thenI’mgonnaeatdessert.
Thosethreelittledotspopupbeforedisappearing,reappearing,thendisappearingagain.IlovewatchingthissideofJenniebloom.She’sboldashellbutalittlehesitantinthebedroom.Themoretimewespendtogether,themoreconfidencecomesroaringout.She’supforanything,eagerandwillingtolearn.Also?Watchingherwallsslowlydropisreallycool.
She’sstillworkingonthesextingthough.There’ssomethingaboutseeingthewordsthatleavesherabitspeechless.
MyphonevibratesasI’mtuckingitaway,andIdiealittleatJennie’spicture:justaredpopsicle,herpinklipscirclingit.
Idon’thavetimetoappreciateit.Cartercursesloudly,andIjump,slammingmyphonetomychest.Thisisit.It’smytimetogo.
Carterfrownsathisphone.“Ollie’sbeenfeelingthebabymovesomuch,butIcan’tfeelanything.He’sbeenmovingallnight,apparently.”
MyheartrestartsandIforcemyselftofocusonmyskatelaces,formulatingananswer,andbreathing.“Whatisshenow?Fivemonths?Icouldn’tfeelmysistersconsistently’tilmymomhitthethirdtrimester.Soonyou’llbeabletoseethebabymove,too,whichiscoolbutalsocreepy.”
“Andyoukeepsayinghim,”Adampointsout.“BabyBeckettmightbeagirl.”
Cartergrunts,rollinghishockeysocksintoaball.“Nope.Isawapenis.”
Emmettsighs.“I’vetoldyouathousandtimes:thatwasanarm.Yourbabydoesnothaveagiganticpenis.”
“Hisdaddydoes,”isCarter’ssmugresponse.
Ihesitantlypeelmyvibratingphonefrommychest,sighingwhenIseeit’sjustanemailfromLevi’s.Apparently,Ihavethreepairsofladies’jeansarrivinginfive-to-sevenbusinessdays.
Itypeoutaquicktexttotheperpetrator.
Me:Funny,whenIgaveumycreditcardinfo,IthoughtuwereonlygonnareplacethejeansIruined.
Sunshine:Funny,Ithoughtyou’drespectmyoutfitchoicesratherthanrippingthemoffmybody.
Me:I’mgonnadisrespectthefuckouttayourbodyjustforthat.
Sunshine:J–1,G–0
God.Damn.Genius.
Iwonderhowlongthiswilllast.Jennie’ssmart,strong,sassy,andsexy—alltheverybestS’s.It’sonlyamatteroftimebeforesomebodyelserealizes,andI’llbeforcedtolethergo.I’malsonotsurehowfarwecanpushourluckwiththeobliviousmaninfrontofme,proppinghisphoneupononeofthecubbyshelves.
“Garrett,comedothisdancewithme.”
Iyankoffmyskates.“I’mnotdoinganotheroneofyourfuckin’TokToks,Carter.”
“TikToks.C’mon.Igotsomanylikesonthelastoneyouwerein.Allthegirlsthinkyou’recutewhenyoudance.Riley!”HecatchesJaxononhiswaytotheshowers.“I’llteachyouthedancerealquick.”
Jaxonflingsanarmout,freehandcoveringhisjunk.“I’mnaked!”
“Greatforratings,”Cartermumbles.Hepropshisfistsonhishipsandstartsbarkingoutorders.Withtheentireteamlinedup,heturnshisstareonme,browslifting.“Garrett.”
“No.Fuckthat.I’mnotdoingyourdamndance.”
Famouslastwords.Anhourlater,I’msittingatourhotelbar,watchingourteamdosomeridiculoustrendthathasanentireteamofNHLplayersdroppingitlowbeforetheyspinaroundandshaketheirassesforthecamera.Mostofusarehalf-dressedinequipment.Jaxonislessfortunate,coveringhisdickwithahandtowel.Thevideoalreadyhasoverahundredthousandviews.Carter’sonlyeverlookedprouderwhenOliviasaidIdo
There’safucktonofgirlsheretonight,swarmingtheteam.Jaxon’salreadymadeoutwithone,Adamkeepstryingtoswatawaythefingerstryingtotwinearoundhiscurls,andwhenaleggybrunetteslidesherhandalongmyshoulders,Istartpanicking,shruggingawayfromhertouch.
“Uh,nothanks.No,thankyou.Thanks.”
Emmettarchesabrowasshewalksaway.“No,thankyou?Amonthagoyouwerebitchingaboutusstoppingyoufromgettinglaid.Noone’sstoppingyounow.”
Iburymydeflectionbehindahandfulofnachos.
Emmettwaitsformetoswallow.“What?”
“Uh…”Iscratchmyjawasmygazecoaststhetable,landingonAdamashepolitelyletsanothergirldown,explainingtheydon’twantthesamethings.“Netflixandchill,”Iblurt,thenbacktrack.“IthinkI’mgrowingoutofthisscene.I’dratherhangoutathomewithsomeonewhomakesmelaugh.”Notalie.“Netflixandchill,”Irepeat.“Orwhatever.”
Adamgrins.“Soyouwanttodate.”
“Garrettwantsagirrrlfriend,”Cartersings,suckingachickenwingclean.“I’msureyou’llfindsomeone.”
“Itcan’tbeallthathard.Youdidit.”
Hisboneclatterstohisplate,hardenedgazeslowlyrising.“I’macatch,jerk.”
Isnicker.“Yeah,Ollie’sluckyshedidn’tcatchadisease.”
“Fucker.”Carterreachesacrossthetable,andagameofslapsiesquicklyensuesasourhandsfly,beforeDadgetsinthemiddleofit.
DadisAdam.Emmettisthebadunclewhositsinthecorner,egginguson.Jaxon’sthedrunkauntmakingoutwitharandom.
“Weshouldletnaturalselectiontakecareofyou,”Emmettsayswhenwedisengage.“Onlythetoughestsurvives.”
Carterflexesabicepbeforekissingit.“That’sme.”
“Asif.”Istretchmyarmsout,veinspoppingwhenImaketwofists.“I’mtoughasfuck.”
“Whatever.Mysistercouldbringyoutoyourknees.”
Sheabsolutelycan,alreadyhas,andI’llgladlygetdownonthemathousandmoretimestotastethesweetspotbetweenherthighswhilesheyanksmyhairandchantsmyname,beggingformore
Itrytorecentermythoughtsandfocusonthenewconversationathand,whichistheadditionaltimeAdam’sbeenspendingatthechildren’shome.
“Ifoundmyfamilyinahomejustlikethisone,butIknownoteveryoneisthatlucky.Tothinksomeofthosekidshavebeensittingthereforyears,waitingforsomeonetotakeachanceonthem…”Heshakeshishead,frowning.“It’sheartbreaking.”
“Ithinkit’sgreatyou’reusingyourownexperiencewiththefostersystemtohelpotherkids,”Itellhim.
“You’readopted?”Jaxonasksnowthathismouthisfree.
Adamnods,andCarteradds,“HisdadisDeaconLockwood.”
Jaxon’sbrowsjump.“DeaconLockwood,retiredquarterbackfortheDenverBroncosandfive-timeSuperbowlchamp,DeaconLockwood?”
Adamchuckles.“HewassobummedwhenIchosehockeyoverfootball.Really,though,Icouldn’thaveaskedforabetterfamily.Sometimesyou’renotborntothem;youfindthem.”
Jaxonclapsahandtohisshoulder,andIfighttheurgetorollmyeyes.Ihaven’twarmedtohimyet.“Gladyoufoundyourcrew,bud.”
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutfostering,butit’simpossiblewithmyschedule.They’vebeenthroughenough,andtheyneedconsistency,someonewhocanshowupeverydayforthem.”Heshrugs.“Maybeinthefuture,ifIevergetmarried.”
Emmettlaughssoftly.“You’regonnameetsomeoneincredibleandhaveanamazingfamilytogether,inwhateverwayyoudecidetomakeit.”
“WhathappenedwithCourtneywasshit,”Ichimein,“andIwishyouhadn’tgottenhurt.Butyoudeservesomuchbetterthanwhatshewasgivingyou.I’mnotsureyouwould’vewalkedawayifshehadn’tgivenyouareason.”
Adam’srelationshipwithhisexwasonshakygroundsforawhile,andhereachedapointwherehewasdesperatetomakeherhappy.Indoingso,heneglectedhisownhappiness.Ifhehadn’tfoundherwithanotherman,I’mnotsurehewould’vedonewhatwasbestforhimself.
Adamfocusesonthedrinkinhishandbeforehelooksup,smiling.“Yeah.Fuckyeah.Fuckher.”
“Ay-yo!”Emmettpunchesafistthroughtheair.“That’sthespirit,Woody!Roundofshotsforthetable!”
IwishIcouldenjoyminewiththeteam.
Instead,itstaysinmyhand,halfwaytomymouthasmyjawdangles,starefixedonthepicturepeekingupatmefrommyphone.
Onesmall,purple,andglittery,theothergigantic,black,andveinyasfuck,twodildosstareupatme.Asimplequestionaccompaniesthephoto.
Sunshine:Heybigguy,ifIwereconsideringsleepingwithyouinthefutureandwantedtogivemyselftimetoadjusttoyoursize,whichonewouldIfuck?
Jennie’sdoinggreatwiththesexting.Fastlearner.Superfast.
I,ontheotherhand,amnotdoingsowell.Mybrainmightbemelting,andmydickhasturnedtosteel.
Asecondpicturecomesin,Jennie’sfingerswrappedaroundthesmall,purpledildo.
Sunshine:Mr.IttyBittyitis.
“Why’reyoumakingthatface?Who’reyoutexting?”
IslammyphoneagainstmychestatCarter’squestions,thankfulX-rayvisionisn’treal—thatIknowof.WhenIleaptomyfeet,mychairtopplestotheground.“It’smymom.”Shit,thatwassohigh-pitched.“I-I-I—”Fuck.“Igottago!”Iliftmyphonewayup,andshakeit,forwhateverfuckingreason.“Sheneedsme.Momneedsme.Igotta…bye!”
Idashacrossthebarandintothelobby,fingersflyingoverthescreen.
Me:Mr.IttyBitty?Ithinkthefucknot.
Sunshine:Gonnaheadtobedtotakecareofmyself.Talktoyoutomorrow.
Me:Don’tufuckingdare.
Ijabtheelevatorcallbuttonninehundredthousandtimesandfallinsidewhenitopens.
Me:Jennie???
Me:IsweartogodifugotobedrightnowIwillflyhomeearlyandwakeyouupwithmycockdownyourdamnthroat.
Sunshine:*kissemoji*NightGare-Bear
“No.No,no,no,no.”Agitationbarrelsthroughmyveinsastheelevatorclimbs.Myfootwon’tstopbouncing.Prettysuremyeyeistwitching.
Iclawatthedoorswhentheelevatorstops,andittakesmeseventriestosuccessfullyswipemycardthroughmydoorslot.MyshirtgetsstuckovermyfaceasIgotumblingintomyroom,andJennieanswersmyvideorequestonthethirdattempt,becauseshe’salittleshitwholikestogetmegoing.
“Mr.Andersen,”shepurrs.“TowhatdoIowethepleasureofalate-nightphonecall?”
Itripovermyfeetsteppingoutofmypants,stumblingforwardandbouncingoffthesideofthebed.
Jennie’scackleelectrifiestheair.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Gettin’naked.”Jenniegetsaneyefulofmydickashespringsfreefrommyboxerbriefs,bobbingaround.
“Ohmy.LieutenantJohnsonsurelookshappytoseeme.”
“Hesureasshitis,andyou’regonnaneedtoditchMr.IttyBitty.Myfingerscanfuckyoubetterthanhecan.”Igripthebaseofmycockandflickmyhead.“Nowlosetheclothes,sunshine.”
Draggingtheblanketaway,sherevealsthosestellarcurvesinchbyachinginch.“Whatclothes?”
MyeyesrolltotheceilingasIgroan.“God,Iwannafuckyou.”
I’mbaffledwhenhersmileturnsshy.Doesshenotknowhowmind-blowinglysexysheis?I’dsellmyleftnutforaVIPall-you-can-ridetickettoherDisneyland.All-you-can-eatworksjustfuckingfinefornow,though.
Irollontothebed,propthephoneuponthesidetable,andwaitforJennietodothesame.
Shetucksherhairbehindherears,apurelyinnocentmovethatmakesmycockthrob.It’sdownandlongandmessy,andIwannadragmyfingersthroughitbeforeIwrapitaroundmyfistandmakeherlookmeintheeyeswhileshecomes.
“So,uh,howdoesthis…work?”
“I’mgonnafuckmyhandwhileIwatchyoufuckyourpussy,andI’mgonnatrynottomakeamesswhenIcome.You,sunshine,canbeasmessyasyourheartdesires.”
Ashiverrocksthroughherbody,andsheshakesherhead.“Twoweeksagoyoucouldn’tevenstringanentiresentencetogether.”
“Yeah,’causeyou’rehotasballsandyouintimidatedthefuckoutofme.”
“Andnotanymore?”
“Nah,notsomuch.NotnowthatIknowIcanbossyouaroundjustaswell,butinadifferentway.”Iwatchherbodyflush,glowingskinkissedpinkbynerves,lashesflutteringashergazebouncesaway,thenbackagain.“Itturnsyouon.YoulikethewayItalktoyou.”
“Well,duh.”
“Whatdoyoulikeaboutit?”
Sheliftsashoulder.“Idonno.”
Bullshitshedoesn’tknow.She’splayingshy,afraidtosayitoutloud,soI’mgonnahelpher.Shedoesn’tgettohidewithme,notanymore.
“IlikethatIcanmakeyoushy.Taketheboldest,bravestgirlIknowandmakeyouspeechless,evenforasecond.Andthenyougetthisbigsmileonyourfaceandcometolife,likemywordsspuryouon.You’rethebestmixofshyandconfidentwhenyou’renaked,andIlovewatchingyougetthere.”
Teethpressintothatplushlowerlip.Shetrailsherfingeroverherthigh.“Ilike…Ilikewhenyoutellmewhatyouwanttodotome.Itmakesmefeel…”Hercheeksblazeasshelooksaway.
“Makesyoufeelwhat?”
“Wanted,”sheadmitsonamurmur.“Ihaven’tfeltthatwayinalongtime.”
Thetruthis,I’mnotsureI’veeverwantedanyonethewayIwanther,soItellherjustthat,ignoringthewaysherollshereyeslikeI’mfeedingheraline.
“Besidesyourbangingbody,prettyeyes,andperfectsmile,Jennie,you’reasmart-asswhocanholdherown.Youdishitoutwithoutmissingabeat,andyoupushyourself.You’realsofunnyashell,andyouyellattherefswhentheymakeshittycalls.IalwayswantedtoknowyoubetterthanIdid.I’mgladIgettonow.”
Jennie’scutenosewrinkles,andlowandbehold,afuckinggiggleslipspastherlips.“Yeah,whatever,fuckboy.”
“Callmewhateveryouwant,I’mtheoneyouthinkaboutwhenyou’rehomealone,fuckingyourrubbercocks.”
“Andmypussyistheoneyou’rethinkingaboutwhenyoulockyourselfinyourhotelbathroom,fuckyourhand,andcomeinyoursock.”Feetflatonthebed,shespreadsherlegs,showingmethatimmaculate,pinkpussy.Sheswipesonefingeralongherslickslit.“Toobadyoucan’thaveit.It’safuckloadsofterandwarmerthanyourhand.”
Mygazefollowstheslowfingersthatcircleherclit,mesmerizedasmywordstumbleout.“Ifuckingownit…”
“I’mtheonlyonethatownsthispussy.”Agonizinglyslow,shesinkstwofingersinside,backarchingoffthepillows,lipspartingwithalowgasp.“Ijustletyouuseitsometimes.”
“Fuck.Christ.Shit.”Irunmypalmovermymouthbeforetakingmycockinmyhand,stroking.“Showmehowwetyouare.”
“Asknicely.”
“Please,Jennie.Iwannaseehowwetyouare.”
Jenniepullsherfingersout,glisteninganddripping.“Soaked.”
Igroan,squeezingmycock.“Tasteyourself,Jennie.”
Desiresparklesinhereyes,butsodoesuncertainty.
“Don’tgoshyonmenow,sunshine.Webothknowthat’snotyou.You’remyfavoriteflavor,sogoonandtaste.”
Shepaintsafingeroverherlowerlip,makingitshine,andIstopbreathingwhenshedragshertongueacrossit.Withhereyeslockedonmine,shetakesherfingersintohermouth,athroatymoanfillingtheairasshecleansherselfoff.
“Useyourfingers,”Iordergruffly.
“You’renotthebossofme.”
“ThefuckI’mnot.Rideyourfingers,gorgeous,andpretendit’smycock.”
Adevilishsmirkbeforeshedragsherfingersthroughhersoakingslit,makingherselfquiverandflush.Jenniemoansquietlyasshepushestwofingersinside,heatedstarefixedonmyhandasIworkmycock.I’mnotgoingtolast,andit’sherfault.Watchingherloveonherownbody,appreciateallhercurvesandedges,isthebiggestturn-on
“Onemore,”Idemand.“Canyoudoonemore?”
Jenniedoesn’thesitate,plunginganotherfinger,archingintoherpalmasshestraddlesthatline.Shesqueezesanipple,palmingherperfect,roundtit,herbreathcominginspurts,andthenherhandfallsdownherbody,findingherclit.
“Fuck,Jennie.You’resosexy.”
“Garrett,”shewhimpers,eyesdazed.“I’mgonnacome.”
SothefuckamI.Myballstighten,spinetingling,andthesecondJenniecriesout,slammingherthighstogether,headfallingback,I’magoner.
“Fuck.”Irolloffthebed,leaptomyfeet,andaccidentallyemptymyentireloadontothecarpet.“Ohshit.”
Jennie’sgigglequicklyspiralsoutofcontrol.“Didyoujustjizzonthefloor?”
“Itwasanaccident!Iwasn’tprepared!”Igrabapillow.
“Notthepillow!Gross!Someone’sgonnaputtheirfaceonthat!”
“I’moverwhelmed!”Iyell,runningtothebathroom.Igrabawadoftoiletpaper,which,asitturnsout,isaterribleidea.Itstartsdisintegrating,leavingwhiteclumpsalloverthecarpetasIwipeatmymess.“Thisisgonnacostme.”
“Bestmoneyyou’veeverspent,”Jennieretortssmugly.
Groaning,IcollapseonthebedintimetocatchJennierollingherselfinherblankets.“So…”
“So…goodnight?”
“Goodnight?That’sit?”Ichuckle.“Doyouwanna,like…talk?”
Shepicksatherblanket.“Doyou?”
“Well,Adam’snotbackyet.”
“Soyouwannatalk?”
“Ifyouwannatalk,wecantalk.”
“Itsoundslikeyouwannatalk,Garrett.”
Iclearmythroat,rubbingmynape.“Guesswecouldtalk.”
Jenniegrins.“Letmewashupandgrabasnack.”
Ifollowsuit,andwhenJennierejoinsme,it’swithabowlofcereal,wearingthehoodieIdressedherinwhenIlastsawher.
“What’sthat?”sheasks.
IholdupthejarIjustdunkedmycookiein.“Cookiebutter.”Ishovethewholethinginmymouth.“FwomdaStates.Yougottatwyit.Isabeyousome.”
Jenniegiggles.“Okay,tellmeaboutyournightpriortoruiningthecarpet.”
“Wewerehangingatthebarwiththeteam.Adamwasgettinghiton.”
“JustAdam?”
“AndJaxon.”
Shewaits.
“Okay,metoo.”Iswipeanothercookiethroughmydip.“SoItoldtheguysIwantedtodate,notfuck.”
“Adam’stheonlyonepureenoughtobuythat.”
Iagree,soItellJennieabouthisdreamtoonedayfoster,andshesmilessoftlythroughthewholethingbeforetellingmeaboutherday.
“OllieandItookthepupsforawalk,andthenshemadememakeheratrayofbrowniesbeforethegame.CaraandIyelledattherefsthroughmostofit,andOlliepassedoutinmylapduringthethirdperiod.”
Ismile,watchingasshelazilywipesawaythemilkthatdribblesdownherchinandlicksthecornerofhermouth.Shemeetsmygaze,smilingback,andIsearchforsomethingelsetosay.IguessI’mnotreadytosaygoodnight.Talkingaboutnothingwithher…it’snice.
“I,uh…toldCarteryouweremymom.”
Hernosewrinkles.“What?”
“Whenyousentmethatpicture,”Iclarify.“Icouldn’teventalk,andhedidn’tseeitoranything,butheaskedmewhoIwastextingandI…”
Hereyesglitterwithhergrin.It’sbigandcocky,exclusivelyBeckett.“SaidIwasyourmom.”
“Mybrainshutoff.Italmostalwaysdoeswhenyou’reinvolved.”
Myheadsnapsasthedoorbeeps,openspartway,andthenpromptlyslamsagainsttheswinglock.
“Whatthefuck?”Adamjigglesthehandle,shovingagainstthelock.“Didyoulockmeout,youfucker?”
“Itwasanaccident!”Iscrambleoffthebed,pullingmypantsupwithonehand.Itripforthesecondtimetonight,nearlyfaceplantinginthemessImade.“Hangonasec!”
Jennieshakeswithlaughter,handclampedoverhermouth,andIshootheralook.
“Night,sunshine,”Iwhisper.
Shewinks.“Night,Gare-Bear.”
Ishovemyphoneintomypocket,smoothmyhanddownmychestfornoreasonatall,thenopenthedoor.Adamstandsthere,browshighonhisforehead,andI’malreadycomingupwithexcusesinmyhead.
Thenhestepsforward,tumblesintome,andIrealizehe’sdrunkasfuck.
Hepeelshisclothesoffontheway.“CanIhavesomecookies?”Henabsthepackageandjaroffmybedsidetable,notwaitingforaresponse.
Hestopsabruptly,gazefallingtotheruinedcarpet.Thetipsofmyearsburn.
IscratchmyneckasAdamstaresatme.“Uh,that’s…Iwas…well,see,Iwas—”
“Idon’tevenwannaknow.”Hewobblesby,shakingmycookiebutterinmyface.“Thisisminenow,’causeI’mnotgonnatellanyoneaboutthat.Deal?”
Fuckingdeal.CHAPTER15IT’SANOFROMMEJENNIE
“Ithinkit’safantasticidea.”
“Idon’t.”Inmyhead,myresponsesoundsmorelike,You’redelusionallikealways,turdmuncher.
Mikhailpullsafrownyface.“Andwhynot?Simonjustsaidhe’sonboard.”
Simon’salwaysonboard;that’spartoftheissue.
Andbeingonboardaboutthetwoofusposingasacoupleinlovetoreallyselltheperformance?I’drathersubmergemyselfinasharktankduringsharkweek—mine,nottheDiscoveryChannel’s.
“I’mnotcomfortablewithit,”Itellmydancecoachhonestly.“Idon’tlikelying.”
“It’scalledacting,Jennifer.”
Heslingsonearmaroundmyshoulders,theotheraroundSimon’s,andstartswalkingusforward.Ihavenoideawherewe’regoing,andifIhadtoguess,neitherdoesMikhail.He’sallaboutdramaticconversations,whichusuallymeansalotofaimlesswandering,staringatnothingbutpretendingyou’reseeinghisvision,andclappingoutsyllables.
“It’stoolatefortheChristmasshow.Jennie,youneedsomeworkonyouracting.IneedtofeelhowmuchyouloveSimon.WecangetthereintimefortheValentine’srecital,though,andthat’stheonethatmattersmost.”
Hestopsandtwirls,paintinghishandthroughtheairinanarc.“Justimagine:thetwoofyoudazzlingthestageonValentine’sDay,thedaymeantforlove.Youputonthemostmagnificentperformancethisschoolhaseverseen,andyoufinishitwithakiss.”Heclaspshishandsunderhischin.“Butnotjustanykiss.Thekindwhereyou,Simon,sweepyou,Jennie,offyourfeet,tipyouback,andgoforit,fullmovieeffect.Andthecrowdgoeswild.”Anotherspin.“Youturnthebiggestcynicsintobelievers.EveryonefallsinlovewithmyDiamondDazzlers,andeveryonewantstofallinloveoutthereintherealworld.Andthebestpart?Ticketsalesskyrocketforouryear-endrecitalinAprilbecauseeveryonewantstoseethehappycoupleshineonstagetogether.”
Simongrins.“Honestly,Mik,Iloveit.Yourbestideayet.”
It’stheworstideaI’veeverheardinmyentirelife.Thisguyhasateachingdegree?Someonetakeitaway.“Idon’tthink—”
“JennieandIhavegreatchemistrytoo.We’llnailit.”Simonslingshisarmaroundme,grinning,allteeth.I’mnotadentist,butI’dlovetoyankoneortwoofthosethingsout.Theymightbeusefulinidentifyinghisbodyoneday,shoulditevercometothat.
Mikhailtrotsaway,ramblingonaboutmagicandloveandchemistry.Hewaltzesrightthroughthedoor,chuckling,andIrealizehe’sasdelusionalasSimon.
IslapSimon’shandfrommyshoulder.“Ididn’tagreetoanything,andI’msureashellnotkissingyou.”
“It’sawaysaway,”Simonsays,followingbehindme.“Youhavesometimetothinkaboutit.”
“I’vethoughtaboutit.It’sanofromme.”
Simonsighs,ploppingdownonthebenchasIpullapairofsweatpantsovermyshorts.“Jennie,youcan’tstaymadatme.Please.Ican’ttakeit.You’remyfriend.”
“Didn’treallyseemlikeitwhenyouweretryingtoshoveyourtonguedownmythroat.”
“Imadeamistake.I’vealwayswantedtoexplorethingswithyou,andIhadtoshootmyshotwhileIhadit.Wewerealone,dancing,andIdonno…”Heliftsashoulder,givingmethoseeyes.“Feltkindaromantic.ButIgotit:nofeelingsonyourend.Loudandclear.Won’thappenagain.”Simonfoldshishandsbeneathhischin,pouting.“Pleaseforgiveme.Idon’twanttoloseyourfriendship,andIcan’tbearthethoughtofreplacingyouasmydancepartner.”
Irollmyeyesandheadforthedoor.“Obviously.I’mmagnificentoutthere.”
Simonjogsafterme.“So…asecondchance?Please?”
Withasigh,Istop,pinningmyarmstomychestasIwatchhim.He’snotthemostgenuineguy,butthesadtruthishe’sbeentheonlyfriendI’vehadhere,theonlypersonotherthanmyteacherswho’sconsistentlysatanddrankcoffeewithme,talkedaboutmorethanwhetherIthinkmybrother’sgoingtotakehisteamtotheStanleyCupagainthisyear.
God,IhopeIdon’tregretthis.“Idon’tgivethirdchances,Simon.”
“Yes!”Hepunchesafistthroughtheairbeforewrappingmeinahug.“Iwon’tletyoudown,Ipromise!”Hesteersmedownthehall.“Wannagrabacoffee?”
“Minewillhavetobeto-go.Carter’spickingmeuponhiswayhomefromtheairport.”
“Ican’tbelievehe’scoolwithyoudatingoneofhisteammates.”
Ifumbleastep.“What?”
“GarrettAndersen?”
“I’mnot—”Myheadwagsrapidly.“No,I’mnotdatingGarrett.”
“Really?’CausehetoldmehewasgonnaputmyballsinablenderifIhurtyouagain.”
Ifoldmylipsintomymouth,swallowingmysnort.Okay,soImight’vegivenGarrettahardtimeaboutapproachingSimon—strong,independentwomanandallthat—butIgottahandittohim,that’sagoodone.BJworthy,even.NotthatIneedanexcusetosuckhiscock.Butit’sfuntopretendlikeheneedstoearnit.
“Weliveinthesamebuilding,”Iexplain.“Hewaspickingmeuponhiswayhome.We’rejustfriends,andhe’sonlyprotective’causeofCarter.”
Simon’sexpressionissuspect,butinsteadoftryingtoconvincehim,Ichangethesubject,andhetakesoffwithanotherhugwhenheseesthelonglineatthecoffeekiosk.
IshootoffatexttoGarrettwhileIwaitformycappuccino.
Me:Ballsinablender?Really?
Bear:U’dbesurprised,butaVitamixcanturnanythingintosoup.
Me:You’reridiculous.
Bear:JustpreparedtomakesomefucknutsoupifIneedto.
Bear:I’malmosthome.Wannabang?
Bear:**hang
Ihuffalaugh,grinningatmyphoneMen
Me:GoingtoCarter’sfordinner,sorry.
Bear:*sademoji*butIwannakissu
Okay,wellthat’skindofsweet.
Bear:Oops,autocorrect.**Kissurpussy
Thereitis.
“Jennie?”thebaristacalls,holdingmydrinkup.Hisgrayeyesmoveoverme,andmycheeksheatwhenItakethecupfromhim,ourfingersbrushing.He’stallandleanwithamessyheadofebonywaves,tattoosdecoratinghisarms.
“Hey.”Hehisheadtowardthebakerydisplay.“It’sacoldoneoutthere.Howaboutawarmgingermolassescookiefortheroad?”Hewinks.“Onme.”
Ibatmylashes.“Youtryingtobuymewithcookies?”
Hiselbowshitthecountertopasheleanscloser.“Youdon’tseemlikethekindofgirlwhocanbebought.”Hetucksthecookieinapaperbagandholdsitouttome.WhenIreachforit,hepullsitcloser.“Tellyouwhat,though.Howaboutinexchangeforthecookie,youletmebuyyoudinner?”
Butterfliestakeflightinmystomach.I’veneverbeenonarealdate.Theideaisasthrillingasitisscary.IlikehowthingsaregoingwithGarrett,butwhatifIcouldhaveitall?WhatifIcouldhavethepleasure,thefun,thefriendship,andthelove,allwrappedupinoneperson?
“Soyouwanttobuymecookiesanddinner?”Itugthetreatfromhishand.“Imightbeabletosqueezeyouin.”
Hiseyeshood,grindeepening,pullinginadimpleinhischin.“Ilovesqueezingin.Tomorrow?”
Mystomachsomersaults.Ituckaloosewavebehindmyear.“Thatworks.”
“Great.ShouldIpickyouupatyourbrother’s?”
Myheartstops,sinking.“What?”
“You’reCarterBeckett’ssister,right?Doyoulivewithhim?I’dlovetomeethim.Icanpickyouupathisplaceandyoucanintroduceus.Wedon’tevenhavetododinner.Myfriendsarehavingapartytomorrownight.”Henabstheendofmybraid,windingitaroundhisfinger.“They’rebigfansofyourwork.”
Mythroatrunsdryasmypulseraces.“Mydancing?”
Thebarista—hisnametagsaysNate—smirks.“Sure.Let’scallitthat.”
Fieryhotbloodrushestomyface,drumminginmyears.Icrushthecookieinmyhandasmyfistsclench,bilerisinginmythroat.Thechatterinthecafeteriagrowsmuddledandmuted,likeI’munderwater.Withoutanotherthought,ItossthecookieatNate’schest,mydrinkinthegarbage,andhoofitoutofthere.
ItwouldbejustmyluckthatKrissyandA2havecaughtitall.
“Yikes.”Krissygrimaces.“Thatwastoughtowatch.Mustbehardbeingthesecond-stringBeckettsibling.”Sherubsmyshoulderlikeshecaresaboutme.“Youokay?”
“Fine,”Ilie.
“Rejectionmustbehard.”
Pressingmyfingerstomyforehead,Iclosemyeyestotheimpendingheadache.I’mnotinthemoodtoentertainKrissy’sshit.I’mhoveringonthegoddamnedge,notsureifIwanttocry,scream,orbesick.Truthfully,theonlyappealingideaislettingGarrettmakemeforgetallaboutthis,remindmewhythis—nostrings,nofeelings,justpleasure—isbetter.
“Wemissedyoulastweekend,”Krissycontinues.“Shopping,dinner,drinks,dancing…Itwasweirdhavingallthedancegirlsthereexceptyou.”
“Youdidn’tinviteme.”
“Didn’tI?Shit,Imust’veforgotten.”
Iturntowardthedoor,ignoringthepangofhurtthatsweepsthroughme.Itmaynotmakesense,butthatdoesn’tmakeitanyeasiertoignorethatit’salwaysbeenthere.
TheolderIget,themoreprominentmystatusasalonerbecomes.Butthethingis,Idon’twanttobealone.Maybethat’swhyit’sgettingincreasinglydifficulttobalancetheIhatethemandwouldn’tbecaughtdeadwastingmylifewithpeoplelikethatwiththeIwishthey’dinvitedme
“Maybenexttime,”Krissysays.
Mysmileisweak,andIhateit.Ihatethispartofme,myinabilitytomakeauthenticandmeaningfulfriendships,theurgetofitin,evenwhenIdon’treallywantto.Iwanttobeunapologeticallyme,andwhatIwouldn’tgiveforpeopletolovethoseparts.Morethanthat,Iwanttobelievetheydo.
I’mtiredofthedoubt,oftuckingpiecesofmyselfawayinhopesthatsomeonemighttakemein.NomatterhowmuchIstarveit,thefeargrowslikeweeds.I’matangledwebofuncertaintiesandinsecurities,andIdon’trecognizemyself.
YetwhenCarterpullsupoutfront,thetensioninmyshouldersimmediatelymeltsaway.
Krissymightaswellbepurringasshefollowsbehindme,likeshe’splanningtoclimbinwithme.“Isthatyourbrother?”
“No,”Ianswerbluntly,loadingmyselfintothefrontseat,narrowlymissingCarter’sfacewhenIaggressivelytossmybagintothebackseat.“It’smygrandma.”Islamthedoorandsinkintomyseat.“Yes,Krissy,youfuckingdoorknob.It’smybrother.”
Cartergrins.“Ah,mysweet,charmingsister.HowI’vemissedyou.”
***
“Carter!Whyaremycookiesabovethefridge?”
Ipropmyelbowsonthecountertop,watchingmytiny,pregnantsister-in-lawassheturnsintoSpider-Womanandtriestocrawlupthestainless-steelfridge.
“Sonofa…goddamn…bitch,”shegrunts,slappingatthetopofthefridge,whichisashighasshecanreach.
Carterwaltzesintothekitchen.“Youaskedmetoputthemsomewhereyoucouldn’treach.Yousaidyouwereeatingtoomany.”
“I’mpregnant,”Oliviagrowls.“Andyoumademethisway!Andanotherthing!”Shestabsanangryfingerintohischest.“I’mallowedtoeattoomanycookies!”
Carterleansintome,handoverhismouth.“She’sbeenespeciallyaggressiveandemotionallately.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’llgrab—”
Hebarshisarmacrossmychest,stoppingme.“Iliketolethergoforacoupleminutes.Ittiresherout,kindalikeanoverstimulatedkitten.”
God,IhopeI’mherethedayOliviafinallydecidestolethimhaveit.
ThisrighthereiswhereIneedtobe,watchingmymomyellatCarterforhidinghiswife’scookies,thenhimandOliviafightingoversaidcookies,andHanksneakingawholehandfulofthem.Anyresidualangerfromthedayfadesaway,replacedwithasoft,warmfeelinginmychestthatonlycomeswithfamily.
Thewarmthstilllingersahalfhourlater,whenCarter,Hank,andOlivia,allsmilinghappilywiththeirstacksofOreosnexttotheirplatesoflasagna,areseatedaroundthedinnertable.
Hanktwistsacookieapart.“How’sschool,Jennie?”
“Good.Great.”Isighwheneveryonepauseseating.“I’mreadyforittobeover,”Iadmit.
Carterpointshisforkatme.“Steve’sdraggingyoudown.Youshouldditchhim.”
ReasononewhyI’mnotgoingtotellhimMikhailwantsSimonandmetopretendtobeacouple.Ido,however,finallyopenmymouthandtellmyfamilythesecretI’vebeenhangingonto.
“There’sajobopeningatTheNationalBalletinTorontoaftergraduation.And,uh…”Ifoldmynapkin,unfoldit,thenfolditagain.“Leahrecommendedmeforthejob.”
“Jennie,”Oliviamurmurs.“That’sincredible.”
Hankfindsmyhandandclaspsit,pressingaloudsmoochtoit.“Waytogo,kiddo.”
Carterspringsfromhisseat,engulfingmeinahugthat’steeteringontheedgeofsuffocating.Heonlypullsawaywhensomebodystartswailing,chokingontheirsobs.
It’smymom.
“Aw,Mom.”Igotoher,huggingherfrombehind.“What’sthematter?”
“I’mfine,”shecries.“Totallyfine!”Anothersob.“It’sjustthatI’mequalpartssohappyforyouandsosadformyself.”Sheburiesherfaceinmyneck.“Idon’twanttolosemybestfriend,butIwantyoutohaveeverythingyouwantanddeserve,andIdon’tknowhowtoexpressthatall,soit’scomingoutastears!”
Aheavyacheripsthroughmeassheclingstome.“You’llneverloseme,Mom.Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtogo.”
“Youhavetogo,”Carterinterjects,armsintheair.“It’syourdream!”
Isitthough?HowcanIgoaftersomethingwithoutbeing100percentcertainit’sthefutureIwant?
Anotherchokingsobpiercestheair,andtearsstartstreamingdownOlivia’scheeks.
“Nooo.”Iscrubmyface.“Notyoutoo!”
“I’mjustreallyhappyforyoubutIalsoreallywantyoutostaybecauseyou’regoingtobethebestauntieeverandyou’reoneofmybestfriends,andyourmomissadandthat’smakingmesad,andmymom’sontheothersideofthecountryandImisshersomuchsoIdon’twanttomissyou,too,butyoushouldpursueyourdreams,andalsoI’mjust—”shegaspsforair,flappingatherface,“—feelingreally,reallyemotionalrightnow!”
CartermeetsmygazeasMomandOliviacollapseintoeachother,weeping.
Helpme,hemouths.
“Uh,right.Iloveyouboth,”ItellMomandOlivia,kissingtheirheadsasCarterleapstohisfeet.“Ipromiseyou’llneverloseme.Carter’sdrivingmehomenow.”
“You’regonnaleavemeherewiththesetwo?”Hankcallsafterusindisbelief.
“Youweremadeforthis,”Carteryellsoverhisshoulderasheushersmedownthehallway.“Goodthinking,”hemuttersashehandsmemycoat.“IthinkMommightbeenteringthephase.”
“Carter!”Iwhackhimintheshoulder.
“What?”heasks,sweepingmeintothegarage.“Oh,areyouonyourperiod?”
Ishakemyheadindisbelief.“HowinthefuckhasOlivianotkilledyouyet?”
Hisgrinisoddlyproudasherunshispalmoverhistorso.“Shetriesonaweeklybasis.”
IrollmyeyesasIturntowardthecars.Olivia’sbeat-upoldCorollasitsontheend,unusedinmonths.I’veseenheroutherepettingit,likeshecan’tbeartopartwayswithit.“Whichcararewetaking?”
“Anyoneyouwant.”CartertapsonthehoodofhisBMW.“YoucouldtaketheBeemer.”Hescoopsupasetofkeysandswingsthemaroundhispointerfinger.“OryoucouldhavetheBenz.”
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.I’mtootiredforgames,myheavyemotionsarecreepingbackup,andthere’sasexyhockeyplayerathomewho’seagertoputhisfacebetweenmythighs.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
HepetsthehoodofhisgraphiteMercedesBenz.“Ithinkyouwantthisprettylady.”
Ifoldmyarmsovermychest.“Carter.”
“Wedon’tneedallthesecars,Jennie.”
“Thenwhydidyoubuythem?”
“BecauseI’mostentatious,”hemurmurs,leadingmetothedriver’sseat
“Carter!Thisisridiculous!”Igripthedoorframewhenhetriestoshovemeinside.“Youcan’tgivemeacar!Youalreadygavemeanapartment!”
“Youdon’thaveyourowncar.”
“I’mgonnagetone!”Inthesummermaybe,whenIhopefullyhaveajob.
“C’mon,Jennie.Forthewinter,atleast.”
“Idon’tlikedrivinginthewinter!Theroadsareslickand-and-andaccidentshappen!”Mychesthurts,andIdon’tevenknowwhy.
Carter’seyessoften.“Ithasfour-wheeldriveandsnowtires.Letmemakelifealittleeasierforyou.You’reasafedriver.”
“Ohgreat.Nowyou’vejinxedme.”
Carterwrapsanarmaroundmywaist,liftsmeoffmyfeet,andstuffsmeintotheseat.Heclickstheseatbeltinplaceanddropsthekeysinmyhand,foldingmyfingersaroundit.“Justgiveitaweek,okay?Ifyouhatedrivingthatmuch,I’lltakeitback.”
Myhandsreluctantlyglideovertheleathersteeringwheel.Thiscarispretty,nodoubtaboutit.“I’dlookprettydoperollinguptothegrocerystoreinthis,eh?”
“Sodope.”
Isigh.“Okay.I’lltryit.”
Cartershowsmeallthefeatures,andhedoesn’topenthegarageuntilIpromisetotexthimtolethimknowImadeithomesafely.
“Ohwait.”Irolldownthewindow.“Iforgottomentionthisacoupleweeksago,butyourwifewantsyoutofuckherlikeyoumeanit.”
Carterstares.“What?”
“Youcannotpokeyourbabyintheeye,Carter.”
Heglancesathiscrotch.“Areyousure?I’mprettywell-endow—”
“Stop.”Iholdupahand.“Pleasestop.MyGod,whatisthislifeI’mleading?”Isigh.“Okay.Thanksforthecar.I’lltakecareofher,hopefully.Youtakecareofyourwife.Bye.I’mgoingnow.Good-bye.”
***
Okay,thiscarisprettycool.Ithasabangingstereosystem,andIcantextusingmyvoice,andsomehowthecarsendsit.That’showIwindupyellingatGarrettover“DearJohn.”
“Canyoumeetmeintheparkinggarage?It’simportant!”
“Bearsaid,‘Didyouslashmytires?Igettospankyouifyoudid.’Doyouwanttoreply?”
“Yes,”ItellVeronica,whichisthenameI’vegivenmynewcar.“Notetoself:findsomethingtoslashtireswith.”
That’sbasicallyhowGarrettfindsmesprawledacrossthehoodofVeronicawhentheelevatordoorsopen,revealinghiminallhismessyhair,sweatpants,anddry-fitT-shirtglory.
“Whatthefuckisthis?”heaskswithachuckle.Hiseyescoastoverme,thentheparkinggarage,beforeheslipshishandbeneathmycoatandwrapshispalmaroundthecurveofmywaist.“Hi.”Hissoftlipssweepacrossmine.“YourbrotherdidnotwillinglyallowyoutotakehisBenz.”
Ipullmydimplesallthewayin.“Hedid.”
“Damn,helovesyouwaymorethanIthought.Thiswasn’tagoodidea.Weneedtobreakup.Nomorespecialfriends.”
“Please.Youcouldn’tkickmeoutofyourbedifyoutried.”Ipopoffthehoodwithawinkandreachforthewaistbandofhissweats.“Isuckyourcocktoodamngood.”
Hisbrighteyessparkleashepinsmetothecarwithhisbody.Theonlythinggentleaboutitisthewayhislipsghostovertheedgeofmyjawuntiltheyfindmyear.“Keeptalking,sunshine.I’llshoveyouinthisbackseatandmakeyousuckmedry.”
“Perfect.”Islipmyhanddownhispants,palminghisthicklength.“I’llbedoneintwominutes.”
Thirtysecondslater,we’repinballingaroundtheelevator,handsandmouthseverywhere.
“Ow.”Garrettpinsmywristsoneithersideofmyhead.“Yourippedoutmyhair.”
“Youbitme.”
“Youlikeit,”hegrowls,mouthopeningonmyneck.
Myfingerssinkintohishair.“Sodoyou.”
“Thisissoincrediblyentertaining,”avoicemurmurs,andmybloodfreezes.“You’resowrappedupineachotheryouhaven’tevenrealizedtheelevatorisstoppedandI’mstandingrighthere.”CHAPTER16LADIES&GENTLEMEN,THISISORGASM#5JENNIE
Wideandfulloffear,Garrett’seyesstareintomine.Ifisthisshirt,tooterrifiedtomove.Maybeifwestandstill,we’llblendintothewalls.
Finally,Ipeekoverhisshoulder.
Emilystandsinthedoorwayoftheelevator,armscrossed,lookingmightypleasedwithherself.
“Fuck,”Igasp,thewordgarbled.IswatEmily’sarm.“Youscaredtheshitoutofus!”
“You’rereallyplayingwithfire,aren’tyou?”Shetrailsthetipofonenailacrossherlowerlip,archesabrow,andshrugs.“Idon’tknowmuchaboutyourbrother,Jennie,butheseemslikethekindaguywhowouldn’tbeoverlythrilledwithhisfriend’sdicksayinghitohislittlesister’sbellybuttonwhileridingtheelevator.”ShegesturesatGarrett,andIslapahandovermyeyes,groaningwhenIseewhatshesees.
Garrettgrinssheepishly,cutecheekslikelava.Heclapshishandsoverhissuper-erectmonstercock.“Suemeforbeingalittleexcited.”
“Oh,buddy.”Emilylaughs.“There’snothinglittleabouthowexcitedyouarerightnow.”
Imayormaynotsnortalaugh—tobedetermined
“Oh,don’tletmestopyou.”Shestepsaside,gesturingforustomovebyher.“Getinthereandgetyourfuckon.Don’tforgettowrapitbeforeyoutapit.”
“God,IthinkImightlikeher.Howthehelldidthathappen?”Ifiddlewithmykeys,swattingatGarrett’sface,whichhe’sburiedinmyneckwhileI’mtryingtounlockmydoor.“Garrett.”
“Hurryup.”
“I’mtrying,butthere’ssomethinghardpokingmeintheass.”
“Justlettingyouknowhowmuchwemissedyou.We’veforgottenwhatyoulook,feel,andtastelike,soweneedtospendthenextseveralhoursgettingreacquainted.”
WegotumblinginsidemyapartmentwhenIfinallygetthedooropened,andIsnickerasGarrettstartsstripping,hoppingononefootashepeelshispantsoff.Hefallsforward,sandwichingmebetweenhimandthewall,keepingmetherewhilehediscardstherestofhisclothes.Thenhehoistsmeoffmyfeet,tossesmeoverhisshoulder,andcartsmedownthehall.
“Howwasyourday?”Garrettdropsmetothebedandyanksmyleggingsdown.“Howwasschool?”
“Good,”Isayonautoreply,thenshakemyhead.Ireachtowardtheceilingasheworksmyshirtoff.“Itwasokay.”
Hismovementsslowashepeersatme.“Doesn’tsoundlikeit.”
Ishrug,thenswallowwhenhepullshisboxersoff.Aredicksmeanttobeattractive?Because,God,Garrett’sgottheChrisEvans/CaptainAmericaofdicks,inthathemightbetheabsoluteperfectspecimenwhovibratesatpeakefficiency.
Garrettpushesmetothepillowsanddragsmypantiesdown.“Wannatalkaboutit?”
“Uh,rightnow?”
“Sure.”
Myearsgrowhot.“It’snotabigdeal.”
“Soundslikeitis,sowe’regonnatalkaboutit.”
Hisbroadbodysettlesbetweenmythighs,cordedmusclesinhisbackrollinglikewavesashemoveslithely.Ireachforhim,rakingmyfingerthroughhishair,wantingonemoretaste.Hissmileisthatperfectamountoflopsided,agorgeousmixofsweetandarrogant,thekindthathasthepowertomakeeventhesmartestofgirlsreckless.
Heliftsmetohim,cuppingmycheekandtiltingmychin.
“Hi,”hewhispers,thencoversmymouthwithhis,sweettongueslippinginside.“I’msorryyoudidn’thaveagoodday,butminegotahundredtimesbetterwhenIsawyousprawledoutonthehoodofthatcar.Sotellmeallaboutyourdayandwhyitsucked.Butfirst…”Soft,plushlipscoastovermybreasts,downmytorso,onehandglidingupmyleg,thumbskimmingmyinnerthigh,makingmequiver.“Spreadyourlegs.Bythetimewe’rebothdone,youwon’trememberwhyitwassobad.”
“Garrett,”Iwhimper,andhegrins
“Yeah.IfIdomyjobright,that’stheonlywordyou’llbesayingbytheendofit.”
“I—oooh.”Myheadlandsinthepillowsashelicksonelanguidstrokeupthecenterofmyheat.
“Yourday,sunshine.Tellmeaboutyourday.”
“I-I—”Myfingersplungeintohissilkyhair,tugging.“Fuck.Itwas…Mik…mycoach…hewants…oh,Garrett.”
Eyeslockedonmine,heinsertsasinglefingerpainstakinglyslowly.“Focus,Jennie.”
“Hewantsustopretendtodate,”Ifinally—barely—manage.
Garrett’sbrowstugdown.“YouandSteve?”
“Simon.”Igaspashepumpsfaster
“Mmm,nope.”Hesucksmyclitintohismouth,rollingtheswollennubgentlybetweenhisteeth.“Don’tlikethat.Ilickedit.It’smine.”
Agigglebubblesinmychest.“It’sjustforshow.”
“Don’tcare.Notinterestedinsharing,evenforshow.”Herollsoffme,andamortifiedgaspleavesmylipsashestands.Hesmilesdownatme.“Don’tworry.I’llberightback.”
“Whereareyou…”Mywordsdieasheslowlytugsthebedsidedraweropen,gazeholdingmine,andmyheartthumpsashedipsahandinside.
“Areyouuncomfortable?”
AmI?I’vebeendestinedtolivealifeinthelimelightbecauseofmybrother.YoucanfindouteverythingaboutmewithasimpleGooglesearch,exceptforafewrarethingsCarter’sPRteamworkshardtokeepofftheinternet.Thispartofmerighthere,howItakemysexualexperienceandneedsintomyownhandsbecauseIhaven’tbeenabletotrustsomeoneelsewiththemforsolong,it’sthemostintimatepartofme.Itwasfunandexcitingtoteasehimwhenhewashundredsofmilesaway,butnowhe’shere.I’manxious,yes,butdoessharingthiswithGarrettmakemeuncomfortable?
Ibringmykneestomychest.“I’veneversharedthiswithanyoneelse.It’salwaysbeenjustme.”
“I’dbehonoredifyoushareditwithme,butIunderstandifyoudon’twantto.”Garretttakesmyhandinhis,tracingeachfinger.“Iwon’teverpushyoutodosomethingyou’renotcomfortablewith.Ipromise,Jennie.”
IthinkI’veknownthatsincethiswholethingstarted,butit’snicetohearanyway.Maybethat’swhyInod.“Okay.”
Garrettsmiles,andI’msuperconfusedwhenheshutsthedrawerandproceedstocrawlontothebedwithemptyhands.
“Whatareyoudoing,Andersen?”
Hewrapshisarmsaroundme,nuzzlingintomyneck,trailingkissesalongmyshoulder.“Cuddlin’.Icanstillrockyourworldlater,though,ifyou’reupforit.”
“That’sgreat.Kindathoughtyouweregonnarockitnow,and,youknow…withsomethingmadeofrubber.”
“What?”
“Isaidokay.”
Hesitsupabruptly,nearlypunchingmeinthefaceashescrambles.“ButIthoughtyoumeant…Ithoughtyouwerejust,like…acknowledgingmypromise.”Hebalksatmyexpression,thengetslowonthemattress,likeananimalabouttopounce.“Youreallywantmeto?”
“Ireallywantyouto.”
Hemakesasoundinhisthroat.Itstartshigh-pitchedandenthusiasticbutfinishesadeep,vibratinggrowl—stillequallyasenthusiastic—ashegripsmywrists,straddlesmyhips,andhoversaboveme.“Sayit.Tellmeyouwantmetofuckyou.”
Liftingmyhips,Igrindagainsthim,watchingwithpleasureashisfacecontorts,forcedtoresisttheurgetoplowinsideme.AmIpushingmyluck?Absolutely.Isitfun?Phenomenally.
“Withafakecock.”
“Idon’tgiveafuck,Jennie.Justfuckin’sayit.”
Windingmylegsaroundhim,Ipullhisbodytighttomine.I’veneverfeltaswarmasIdowhenI’mwithGarrett.Iknowthisrelationshipisphysical,butthewayhetreatsmetellsmeI’mhisfriendfirst,andhe’dtakethatovertherestifhehadto.Heknowswhentoberough,commanding,possessive,whilealsoknowingwhentogivemehispatient,gentle,andgoofyside.Butaboveall,he’salwaysgenuinewithme,andit’srefreshingtonolongerhavetoguesswhat’sgoingthroughhismindwhenhelooksatme.
Withmywristsstillinhisgrasp,Iliftmychin.Garrettdropshismouthtomine,andIturnatthelastmoment,lipsgrazinghisearsasIrollmyhips.
“Iwantyoutofuckme.”
Acarnalsoundrumblesinhischestashecrusheshismouthtomine,releasingmywriststodighisfingersintomywaistaswemovetogether.Everythingishotandwet,andaneedsodeep,soferal,burnsthroughmyblood.
Garrettpushesahandbetweenus,forcingmebackwardbeforeherollsoffthebed.Hishanddisappearsinthedrawer,buthegetsdistracted,suddenlychangingdirection.Heproducesatiny,pinkglassplugwithagemontheend,andhisforeheadcreasesashestudiesit.Hismouthpopsopen,thelightinhiseyesdancingashisgazepinballsbetweenme,thepinkpluginhispalm,anddowntohisXLcock.
“Don’tevenfuckingthinkaboutit,Andersen.”I’lltryalmostanythingonce,butI’mnotremotelyclosetobeingreadytotrythat
“Yeah,”heagrees,headbobbing,asifit’dactuallybeenupfordiscussion.“Yeah,toobig.”
Hetuckstheplugawayandpullsoutapurplesiliconewand.TheslimbodygainsgirthtowardtheheadandcurvesinthemostdeliciouswaytoensureitnevermissesyourG-spot.
Garrettplacesmyfeetflatonthemattress,spreadingmylegswideashecrawlsbetweenme.“Yourday,”hemurmurs.“Whatwereyousaying?”
“Youcan’tseriouslyexpectmetofinishtellingyouaboutmydaywhenyou—oooh.”Mytoescurlandmyheadfallsbackward,fingersgrippingthesheetsasGarrettplacesthevibratingheadagainstmyclit,makingmylegsquiverandmyspineshake.
“YourcoachwantsyouandSimonSyphilistopretendtodate.”
“Andyousaidno.”Thewordsareagarbledcryasheteasesme,slippingthetoythroughmyslit,proddingwithoutactuallypenetrating,circlingmyclituntilI’monthevergeoftears.“Garrett.”
“Itphysicallypainsmethathegetstoputhishandsonyou.Noneedtogivehimmorethanhedeserves.”
Mybreathleavesmeonachokedexhaleashepushesinjustatouch,andwhenhepullsitoutwhilesmirking,Imightcombust.
“IsweartoGod,Garrett,ifyoudon’tf-f-f-fuuuck.Ohmy…oooh.”Mybackarchesasthewandslidesinside,stretchingmejustright,findingthatspotthatmakesmeshiver.
“Lookatyou,sunshine.Takingallofthiscocklikeagoodgirl.”Hepresseswarm,wetkissestotheinsideofmythighashepullsthetoyoutandsinksitbackin,slow,twistingashegoes.“Whatelse?Tellmemore.”
Onebroadthumbfindsmyclit,rubbinggentlywithagonizinglyslowcircles.AllIcanthinkaboutasIpantunderhiscontrolishowbadlyIwishitwerehiminsideme.
“Jennie.Tellme,orIstop.”
“Krissywasbeingrudefornoreasonotherthanthatshelikestoexerthersuperiorityovermejustsoshecanhurtmyfeelings,”Iblurt,tossingmyheadbackwithamoanasthatmagicalwandhitsmyfavoritespot,harderthistime.
“Who’sKrissy?”
ItearatthesheetasGarrettplungesfaster.“Anotherdancer.Allthegirlsgottogetherlastweekendandshesaid…sheforgotto…invite-me-oh-my-fucking-God,yes,please.”Histhumbmatchesthetempoofthedildothrustinginsideme,makingmewhimper.“Idon’tknowwhytheydon’tlikeme.”
“Fuck’em.Youdon’tneedthem.You’vegotme.Ilikeyou.”
Garrett’smouthtrailsupmythighs,tradingbetweengentlenipsandthewickedlashofhistongue,allwhilenevergivinguponthepumping,thedeliriouswayhefucksmethatmakesmewanttoscreamformore.Partofmewantstogiveitallup,andI’mtalkingaboutmorethanmybody.
Ican’t,though,soI’lltuckitawaylikeIalwaysdo.I’msousedtogivinguponlypiecesofmyself,Idon’tevenknowhowtobewholewithsomeoneanymore.
“Anythingelse?”Garrettasks,tongueswirlingaroundmybellybutton.Hetakesthepurplegembetweenhisteeth,givingitalittletug,andthesimpleactiontowsmeclosertothatcliff.I’mabouttothrowmyselfoffit,watchingashelowershisface.“Goon,sunshine.”Heflickshistongueoverthattightbudofnerves,teasingme.“Answerthequestion.”
“I-I-I—”Ishakemyhead,clappingmyhandsovermyface.What’shappenedtome?Whathashedonetomeinonlyamatterofweeks?I’mlosingmymind,andinsteadofcaring,Ifisthishair,holdinghiminplaceashelapsandlaves,andIspillmygutsaboutthejoboffer,thepotentialnewlifethatwaitsinTorontoaftergraduation.
Garrett’stonguestopsitslashing,andheslowlyremovesthetoy.Helayshischeekontheinsideofmythigh,poutingupatme.
“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?Andmoreimportantly—”Igestureatmycrotch,“—whyareyounotfinishingdessert?I’mnotabovesittingonyourfaceandmakingyou.”
Garrettchuckles.“Youcansitonmyfaceanyday,sunshine.”Slowly,hesinksthewand,smilingatmythroatygroan.“I’mlookingatyoulikethisbecauseyoujustputatimelimitonthebestfunI’veeverhad.”
Irockintohishand,silentlyaskingformore,buthedoesn’trelent.“Thebestfun?Youaren’tevengettinglaid.”
“Don’treallygiveafuck.”
“Idon’tknowifIwanttogo,”Iadmit.
Hisbrowstugdown.“Whynot?”
“I’mnotsureit’s,oooh,thefutureIwantformy-my-myself.”Ithrowmyheadbackasamangledsoundleavesmythroat,partirritation,partpleasure.“Garrett,please.”
“We’lltalkaboutthislater.”Hisgazeholdsmine,playful,teasing,ashelicksaleisurelypathupmyslit.“NowI’mgonnafinishfuckingyou.”Hepromptlyimpalesmewiththedildo,hisgrinself-righteousandpleasedwhenIcryouthisname.
Garrett’smouthsuctionsovermyclitashethrustsinandout,faster,harder,hittingthatspoteverytimeuntilI’mnothingbutawhimpering,quakingmess,beggingtocome.Hegripsmythroat,glidingupmybody,thetouchofhisgazepossessiveandferal.ApleasuresofierceunfurlsinmybellyashebringsmehigherthanI’veeverbeenbefore
“Ifuckinglovewatchingyoucome,andIfuckinglovebeingtheonetogetyouthere.”Hismouthtakesmineinasearing,plungingkissthatleavesmebreathless.Herestshisforeheadagainstmine,watchingmeunravel.“Comeforme,sunshine,”hedemands,andIdo,nailsshreddinghisshouldersasIclingtohim,andheswallowshisnameasitleavesmymouth,overandover.
Thepadsofhisfingerspressdeeperintomythroatasheforcesmetomeethisgaze.
“Youseehowyoucouldstilltalkthroughthat?Thatwon’thappenwhenit’smycockinsideyou.”
***
“Yougonnatellmewhyyoudon’twannatakeyourdreamjobinToronto?”Garrett’shandclosesaroundmine,bringingmyspoontohismouth,andIfrownasheswallowsmyCornPops.He’salreadyhadtwobowls.
“Whydoeseveryonekeepsayingit’smydreamjob?”
“Isn’tit?”
“Yes.No.Idon’tknow.”Atthelookonhisface,Ilaugh.Whenhereachesformyspoonagain,Ishoveitinmymouth.“Iwantedtodance,andIwantedtoteachit.It’sjust…”Iliftashoulder.“Mymindchangesallthetime.Ispentmychildhooddreamingofbeingaballerina,dancinginTheNutcrackerinNewYork.ButthenIgrewup,andallmyballetdreamsflewoutthewindow.”
“Soyoudon’twanttoteachanymore?”
“Idon’tknow.Ilovedballet,anditserveditspurposeinmylife.Itfueledmyloveofdance.Butit’snotme.HowdoIteachsomethingI’mnotpassionateaboutanymore?Mypassionlieselsewhere.”
“Contemporary?”Garrettasks,drainingthemilkfrommybowlonceIscoopoutthelastofmycereal.
Ileanmyelbowsonthecounter,dropmychintoonehandandtwirlmyhairwiththeother.“CanItellyousomethingI’venevertoldanyonebefore?”
“’Course.”
“I…Iwanttoopenmyownstudio.Forkids.Iwanttoteachkidstoexpressthemselves,tohavefun.IwantthemtolovedanceasmuchasIdid,asIstilldo.Idon’twanttobethatstrictdanceteacher,theonethatmakesyousecond-guesseverypieceoffoodyouputinyourmouth,thattellsyouyourlifedoesn’texistoutsideofdance.Therehastobeahealthybalancebetweenlovingsomethingpassionatelyandlettingitbeapartofyourlife,butnotthewholething.Andhonestly?Ialreadymissmydad;Idon’twanttoputmyselfinapositionwhereI’mforcedtomisstherestofmyfamily.”
Garrettstaresatmeforalongmomentthatmakesmyskincrawlwithapprehension,luringmebackintothatcaveIshould’venevercreptoutof.It’swhenhegrins,takingmyfaceinhishandsandpressingaloud,sloppykisstomymouth,thatmyshoulderssag.
AndIcreepalittlefurtherfromtheshadowsI’vebeensocontenttohidein.
“Ithinkit’sgreatyou’reabletobehonestwithyourself.Thatyouacknowledgewhatyouwantandwhatnolongerservesyou,orwhenyouaren’texactlysurewhatyournextstepis.Ialsothinkit’sawesomeyoucanlookbackonyourdancecareerandrecognizewhatdidn’tworkandwhatyoudon’twanttorepeatonedaywhenyou’retheteacher.I’mreallyproudtobeyourfriend,Jennie.”
MynosewrinklesasIdropmygazetomyfeet,swingingfrommystool.“Thanks,Garrett.”
Hetakesmyhand,pullingmedown.“Let’sgowatchTVinbed.I’lltickleyourback.”
“Areyousure?You’vegotmorningskateinsevenhours.”
Hetwirlsmeintohim,hismouthdrowningmywords.“Don’tcare.”Hesmacksmyass.“Getinthere.”
TonighthasbeenexactlywhatIneededtoforgetaboutmyshitday.IhaveGarrett,andhemakesmesmile.Ifeellightagain,andthedisastrousbedmakesmehappy.Oneofus—Garrettsaysitwasme—torethesheetoffthebedduringorgasmnumber…four?Five?Five.
Okay,itwasme.Sueme.
Ifindmydildointherumpledblanketsandtoteittothebathroomforagoodcleaning.Shekickedasstonight.
“Thanksfortonight,girl.Youfeltamazing.”Ihughertomychestandtuckheraway.Iturntothenow-madebedwhereGarrett’slying,handsbehindhishead,anklescrossed,browarchedhighonhisforehead.“What?”
“ShouldIpointouttheobvious?”
Iclimbontopofhim,straddlinghiships.“What’sthat?”
Fingerstanglinginmyhairatthenapeofmyneck,Garrettbrushesakissacrossmylips.“ThatIwouldfeelevenbetterinsideyou.”
“Mmm.Ithinkyou’reforgettingtheobvious.”Irockintohim,grindingdown.Hiscocktwitchesandhemoans,andIsmilebecauseIknow.TheonlythingthatmadeitbackonmybodyearlierwashisT-shirt.I’msoaked,again,andnowhisboxerbriefsaretoo.“Ihaven’thadacockinsidemethatwasn’tmadeofrubberforyears.It’slikeI’mbrand-newdownthere.”Mymouthslidesalonghiscollarbone,uphisneck,hoveringattheshellofhisear.“Tight.Warm.You’veneverfeltanythinglikeme,andit’stheonlyplaceyouwanttobe.Idon’tevenknowwhatit’sliketobewitharealman,andyou’redyingtoshowme.”Reachingdown,Icollectthemoisturebetweenmylegs,showingGarrettmyglisteningfingertipsbeforeIslowlysuckmyselfclean.“Soifanyone’sthinkingabouthowgooditwouldfeeltohaveyouinsideme…it’syou,bigguy.”
Garrettflipsmeontomyback,wristsinhistightgrasponeithersideofmyhead.“Trustme,sunshine.Ihaven’tforgotten.”Henipsmyjaw.“Ican’twaitforyoutoletmeinoneday.”
“YouthinkI’mjustgonnaletyouintomyDisneyland?”
“You’renotjustgonnaletmein;you’regonnainvitemein.”Hedragshisthumbalongmylowerlip.“Mightevenlockthegateandkeepmefromleaving.”Bendinghisneck,hetrailsthetipofhisnosealongmyjaw.“I’dtreatyousomuchbetterthanyourexdidtoo.”
Mybloodrunscoldathisharmlesswords,excepttheyaren’tharmlesstome.Garrett’sheatedgazeturnstooneofconfusionandthenconcernashewatchesmeshutdown.Heshakeshishead,butit’stoolate;I’malreadyshovinghimoffme.
“Jennie.Ididn’tknow…Idon’t…Fuck,I’msoshitattalkingsometimes.”Herunsanaggravatedhandthroughhishair.“I’msorry.ForgetIsaidanything,okay?”
ButIdon’tknowifIcan.Todayhasbeenonereminderafteranotherthattherearepeoplewhoneverwantedtobeinmylifefortherightreasons,andthefirstpersontoownoneofthosespecialtitleswastheveryexGarrettisreferringto.KevingreedilytookwhateverIwaswillingtogiveandleftmewithnothing.WhyIpreferbeingself-sufficientbeginswithhimandcontinueswithpeoplelikeKrissyandNate.
Andthereminderissuffocating.
ButasIscurryintothebathroom,closingmyselfin,ItellmyselfGarrettisn’tKevin.He’snotKrissy,orNate.Hehasnoreasontowantmeforanythingotherthanme.Garrettiskindandgenuine,andhe’snotthem.
Leaningagainstthedoor,Ilaymypalmovermypoundingheart.AsIfocusonbreathing,itslowstoagentletrot,leavingmewiththesilencethatstretchesbeyondthedoor.HaveIscaredhimaway?Didheleavebeforethingscouldgetmoreawkward?
Idon’tknowwhymyheartstartsgallopingagainwhenIfindhimtuckedbeneaththeblankets,scrollingthroughNetflix.
Hepatsthespotbesidehim.WhenIslidein,hepullsmeintohisside,windsanarmaroundme,andtrailshisfingertipsovermyback.It’swhenhebrushesakisstomyhairandtellsmehelikeslyingwithmethatIopenmymouthandblurtouttheonlybadpartofmydaythatIleftoutearlier.
“Somebodyatschoolaskedmeouttoday.”
“Goddammit.”Hegroans.“IthoughtIhadmoretime.”
Igigglesoftly.“I’mnotgoing.”
“What?Whynot?Notcute?”
“Hewasverycute.Hejust…”Iwatchmyfingertracearandompatternintothebedsheets.“Hedidn’twantme.HewantedCarter.”
Andsomethingelse,maybe.Mymindflashesbacktothosewords,theoneshespokeaftermentioningCarter.Myfriendsarebigfansofyourwork.Iclosemyeyestothefeeling,swallowdownthefear,andtellmyselfthepartsIwanttokeepsafearesafe.Ijusthopeit’snotalie.
“Hismistake.He’smissingoutonthechancetoknowanincrediblewoman.”Garrettforcesmygazetohis.“Don’tmakethisyourproblem,Jennie.It’sareflectionofhim,notyou.”
ButwhatifInevergetthechancetoshowsomeonewhoIambeyondmylastname?Whatifnobodybotherstolook?That’s…that’swhathurtsthemost.
Instead,IlaymycheekonGarrett’swarmchestandnod.
WechooseBrooklyn99,laughingquietlytogetherasheticklesmyback,anylingeringtensionmeltingaway.
“Hey,uh,listen.”Hisfingertipdipsaroundmyshoulderblade,thenloopsdownmyspine,andI’mprettysurehe’swritinghisname.Heclearshisthroat.“Ican’tcometoyourrecitalnextweek.”
“Oh.”Withoutthinking,Istartrollingtowardtheedgeofthebed,puttingdistancebetweenus.Garrettpullsmerightback.
“Hey,stopit.You’renotgoinganywhere.”Hedropshislipstothespotbelowmyear.“I’mflyinghomeonthetwenty-thirdforChristmas,butIcheckedouttheprogramonline,andthere’sgonnabealivestream.”
“You’regonnawatchstill?”
“Fuckyeah.Idon’twannamissyoukickassupthere.”
Myfacewarms,nosewrinkling.Igrinathim.“I’mgonnabethebest.”
“Iknowyouare.”Hisfingerslandonmyribs,tickling,andIallbutshoveakneeintohiscrotchasIrollaroundlikeaferalanimaltryingtoescape.Heshovesmetomybackandclimbsaboard.“YourgrandfinaleshouldbeyounailingSimonSyphilisintheballs.Yourstandingovationwouldneverend.You’dhearmeallthewayfromNovaScotia.Woohoo,”hewhisper-cheers.“Fuckyeah,Jennie!”
Igiggle,strugglingagainsthim.
Hetrailsthetipofhisnoseacrossmineandtouchesakisstomylips.“Gonnakindasucknotseeingyouforafewdays.”
There’sthatdamngallopagain,norhymeorreason.“I’mirresistible.Onecan’thelpbutmissmewhenI’mnotaround.”
Garrettturnsmebackoversohecangobacktotrailinghisfingertipsovermyback,andmyeyelidsflutterclosed.
“It’strue,”hesaysasthemotionofhishandonmybacklullsmetosleep.“Youareverymissable.”
WhenIwakeinthemorning,it’stoapackageofBananaCrèmePiePop-TartsonmypillowandthreetextmessagesfromGarrett.
Bear:Usnorelikeatrucker.HadtogetthefuckouttatherebeforeIsmotheredyouwithapillow.
Bear:Justkidding.Ulookedcuteasfuck.Didn’twannawakeu.
Bear:*kissemoji*Haveagooddayatschool,sunshine.
Ican’trememberthelasttimemysmilefeltthisgenuine.CHAPTER17AREGIRLSREALLYTHATGRUMPYONTHEIRPERIODS?GARRETT
Jennie’sannoyingme.
It’sbeenthreedayssinceI’veseenher,andshe’sthwartingallmyattempts.SheignoredeveryFaceTimerequest,didn’tcometoourhomegameyesterdaywiththegirls,butsentmemultiplelewdmessageswhileshewasinherclasses.I’msuperconfused.Ihatebeingconfused.
Plus,Ileavetomorrowforthreenightsontheroad,thenflyhometotheeastcoastfortheholidays.Iwouldn’tmindseeingherfirst.
IshootoffaquicktextandknockonAdam’sdoor.
Me:Udonebeingabrat?
Sunshine:Literallynever.
Me:Let’sbangtonight.
Me:Oops,autocorrectgotmeagain.**hang
Sunshine:Nothanks.
Thedooropens,andBearleapsuponmychest,tongueinmymouththesecondIopenit.
“Sorry’bouthim.”Oddlyenough,Adamdoesn’tsoundtheleastbitapologetic.“Youknowhelikeshiskisses.”
“Ipreferawoman’stongue,Bear,butyourswilldo.”Icarryhimintothehouse,settinghimdownwhenmyfaceisgoodandwet.Adamlookstired,soIbetIalreadyknowtheanswertothequestionI’mabouttoask.“Howwasyourdatelastnight?Whatwasshe,numbersix?”
“Eight.”Hesighs,tuggingathishair,whichleadsmetobelieveitwasasunderwhelmingasthepreviousseven.
“Whatwasitthistime?”Ifollowhimintothekitchen,wherehehandsmeaplatestackedwithsandwichesmadeoftoastedryebread,salami,prosciutto,theworks,andthisisexactlywhythedatingstuffisn’tworkingoutforhim.He’stoogoodformostofthisworld.NobodydeservesAdam’ssandwiches.Exceptme,obviously.
“Vacationproperty.ShewantedtoknowifIhadany.”
Idon’tknowwhethertolaughorcry,andAdamlooksthesame.Thereareplentyofgirlsouttherethatmoneyandfamemeannothingto—we’vealreadygotthreeofthem—sowhyisitsodifficultforaguylikeAdamtofindone?
“Ineedtomeetsomeonewho’sneverwatchedhockey,”hegrumbles.“Knowsnothingaboutthesportanddoesn’thaveasinglecluewhoIam.MaybethenI’llknowiftheyactuallylikemeforme.”
ThisversionofAdam,readytocallitaday,issad.It’snottheAdamIknow.Iwanthimtofindthegoodhe’slookingfor;Iknowshe’soutthere.
“I’msorry,buddy.Giveitsomemoretime.Ibetshecomesaroundwhenyou’releastexpecting.”
“Hopeso.”HecheckshisAppleWatch.“Jaxonshouldbehereanyminute,thenwecantakeoff.”
“Jaxon?What?No.He’scoming?C’mon.Thatguy?”
Adam’sdoorbellrings,andhechuckles.“He’sagoodguy.”
“He’sannoying,”Icounter,followinghimdownthehallasIstufftherestofmysandwichintomymouth.I’mnotsharing.
“Carter’sannoying,andyou’refriendswithhim.”Helevelsmewithalookthattellsmetoplaynice.“Ithinkyou’lllikeJaxonifyougivehimachance.C’mon.He’suprootedhiswholelifeandmovedtoanewcountry.Hedoesn’thaveanyonehere.”
“Fine,buthe’ssittingintheback.”
Adamopensthedoor,andJaxongrinsatusfromtheporch.
“Icallshotgun!”heyells,thenpromptlydashestoAdam’struck,andIfuckinghatehim.
***
“Didyouhavetogetthebiggestone?”AdamgruntsasweshovemyChristmastreeintothebackofhispickup.
“Igotthebiggest,”Jaxonargues.
Ishovehimthroughthepineneedles.“Likefuckyoudid.”
“Biggesttreetomatchthebiggestcock.”
“You’rethebiggestdick,that’sforfuckingsure.”
Adamsighs.“Ishould’vegonewiththecouples.ThenIwouldn’tbefeelinglikeasingledadrightnow,andIwould’vehadmyChristmastreetwoweeksago.”
“Yeah,andyou’dbemissingallthefun,”Isay,thenclapJaxon’shandinahighfive.
Okay,sohehasn’tbeentheworsttoday,buthehasn’tbeenthebesteither.Tolerable.Acouplefunnyjokeshereandthere.He’sokay.Plus,Iknowwhatit’sliketocomeouthereonyourownandhopesomeonewilltakeyouintotheircrew.
Still,bythetimewe’rewrappingupatlunch,Jaxondoesn’tseemthatlonely.He’smanagedtogetboththehostessandthewaitress’sphonenumberswithoutthemknowingabouteachother.He’stakingonefordinnertonight,Adam’sheadingtoSecondChancetovolunteer,andI’marguingwithJennieviatext.
“Icouldprobablygetbothgirlsouttonightandyoucanjoinus,Andersen,”JaxonsayswhenweclimbintoAdam’struck.“Ifyouneedhelpgettingadate.”
“Idon’tneedhelpgettingadate,youdouchewaffle,”IgrumbleasIshootoffatext.
Me:Canuatleastcomebeabratatmyplace?
Sunshine:OMG!It’slikeyou’reobsessedwithmeorsomething.
Me:Accurate.Please?Ileavetomorrownwon’tbebacktilafterxmas.
Sunshine:Ican’t,ok??I’monmyperiod.
Me:Ok,and??
“Didyoujustcallmeadouchewaffle?Whatthefuckevenisthat?”
Ihonestlydon’tknow.I’vebeenspendingalotoftimewithJennie.Herinsultsarecolorful,tosaytheleast,andshe’srubbingoffonme.AfewdaysawayfromheroverChristmaswillprobablydomewell.
Butit’snotChristmasjustyet,soIshootoffanothertextwithtenquestionmarks.
Sunshine:I’M.ON.MY.PERIOD.
Ileanbetweenthefrontseats.“Hey,whywouldagirlnotwannahangoutwhenshe’sonherperiod?Aretheyreallythatgrumpy?”
“What’sthenatureoftherelationship?”Jaxonasks.
Mynosescrunches.“Huh?”
“Physicaloremotional?”
“Uh,physical.”Right?Maybeemotionaltoo?Ugh,Idon’tknow.Ilikeeatingherpussy,ticklingherbackwhilewewatchTV,andit’scoolwhenshetellsmethingsnooneelseknows.“Idon’tknow,”Iadmitonagroan,sinkingbackinmyseat.
Adam’ssuspicious,scarygazemeetsmineintherearviewmirror.
“Physical,”Iquicklyclarify.“JustagirlI’m…fuckingaroundwith.”Ifrown.Thatdoesn’tsoundright.Jenniemeansmoretomethanthat.
“There’syourreason,”Jaxonreplies.“Ifshe’sonherperiod,notawholelotoffuckingaroundyoucando.”
“Oh.”Idrummyfingersonmyknees,thenleanbetweenthemagain,handsontheirshoulders.“Doesthatmeanshedoesn’twannahangoutwithmeifthere’snosexinvolved?”
Jaxonsmilesslowly.“Itmeansshe’sgivingyouanout,dude.She’stellingyounowsoyoudon’tcomeoverhopingtogetsome.Begrateful.”
Iguess,butthelongerImulloverthewords,themoretheydon’tsitwellwithme.
That’sprobablywhyhourslater,whenthetreeisupanddinnerisontheway,Imakemywaydowntothetwenty-firstfloor.
“Goaway!”JennieyellsthroughthedoorwhenIknock.
Iknockagain,louder.
“Ialreadytoldyou,Emily!Idon’thaveanyfuckingwine!SorryI’msober!Unlessyou’vegotapintofBen&Jerry’sforme,leavemeheretodie!”
Huh.I’veneverbeenmoregratefultohavesixprovincesbetweenmeandmylittlesisters.
Itrythehandle,pleasedwhenthedoorswingsopen.ThesecondIstepinside,though,I’mconsideringturningrightthefuckbackaround.
Jennie’ssobsarefierce,hairpiledinamessontopofherhead,whereithangsofftheedgeofthecouch.Tissueslittertheground,andanopentubeofcookiedoughsitsonhercoffeetable.
ShethrowsapopcornkernelattheTV.“Ihateyou,youevil…snail!Youshould’venevertakenhiminifyoucouldn’ttakecareofhim.”Sheflingsherarmout,gesturingatthecartoonfoxontheTV.“Lookathissweetface!Howcouldyoudothistohim?He’syourfamily!”
“Jesusfuck.You’reridingthehotmessexpress,eh?”
Jennieshrieks,rollingoffthecouchandcrashingintothecoffeetable.Shesitsup,hairspillingoutofherbun.Sheblowsathickwaveoffherface,illuminatinghertear-streakedcheeksandredeyes.“Garrett!Getout!Whyareyouinhere?Wholetyouin?Whatareyoudoing?”
“Watchingyoucry,apparently.Again.”
ShegesturesviolentlyattheTV.“Theoldlady’sleavinghimintheforestallbyhimself!It’sdarkandraining,andhedoesn’tunderstand!She’ssupposedtolovehim!Youdon’tleavesomeoneyoulove!”Sheswatsatthetearsstreamingdownherface,andIpullhertoherfeet,wrappingherup,rubbingherbackaswesway.
“Shhh.It’sokay.Iknow.”
“She’ssomean,”Jenniecriessoftly,wipingherfaceonmyshoulder.Shehiccupsandpullsback,scrubbinghereyeswithherfists.“Toddoesn’tdeserveit.”
“No,hedoesn’t,you’reright.”Ikissherforeheadandpatherass.“Goputpantson.Youcan’tridetheelevatorinyourunderwear,andyou’renotspendingallnightinherecryingoverDisneymovies.”
Jennie’snoseispink,lipsswollen,butwhenthewordsfinallysettle,shestillmanagestolooklikeshecouldripmyballsoff.“I’monmyperiod.”
“Yeah,yousaidthat.Sowhat?”
“Soyoudon’twannahangoutwithmeonmyperiod!I’mhungryandgrowlylikeabear,emotionallikeatoddlerwhomissednaptime,andyou’renotgettingany!”
“Ihatetobreakittoyou,sunshine,butyou’realwayshungry,growly,andemotional.But,hey.”Itakeherdampfaceinmyhands.“You’remyhungry,growly,emotionalbear.”Ikissherlips.“Comeon.Ineedhelpwithsomething.AndIpromisetofeedyou.”
Shedisappearsslowlyandbackward,eyesskepticalasshewatchesme,andIsurveyhermess.Beyondthetissuesandcookiedough,aframedpicturelaysfacedownonthecoffeetable.Iturnitover,smilingattheblue-eyedbrunettegrinningfromeartoearfromherdad’sshoulders,clutchingapinkbunny—PrincessBubblegum.Asilverlockethangsfromherneck,barelyvisibleinthephoto,andmyheartachesformyfriend.
WhenJenniereappears,she’sdrapedinmyhoodieandsweatpants,andI’mcontentinknowingI’mnevergettingthemback.
Ifollowheroutthedoorandintotheelevator,andshesighs.
“Ireallyhopeyouhaveicecream,Garrett.”
“FirstthingIputinmycartforyou.”Ileadherintomyapartment.“I’llmakeyouasundae,butfirstyouhavetohelpme—”Ipointatthetree,theboxesofdecorationsonthefloor,“—withthat.”
Jenniesqueals,claspingherhands.“We’redecorating?”Shedashestothetree,fingersflutteringoverthepineneedles,eyesglitteringwithwonder.“Wehaven’tdecoratedsincemydaddied.Itmakesmymomtoosad.Ithoughtitmademesad,too,butnow…nowIthinkit’sjustonemorethingwe’remissing.”Shegracesmewithagrateful,breathtakingsmilebeforehuggingmetightly.“Thankyouforincludingme.”Hereyeslightup.“Doyouhavehotchocolate?Weneedhotchocolateifwe’regonnadecorate.AndChristmasmusic.CanIputthestaruptop?Mydadalwaysputmeonhisshoulders.Itwasmyfavoritepart.”Shesqueezesmeoncemore,thenripsopenaboxofdecorations
“Doyouwantmarshmallowsinyourhotchocolate?”Iaskasshetearsaroundmylivingroom.Atthisrate,she’llbedonebeforeI’veevenheatedthemilk.
“Yes,please!Justbringthewholebag!”
It’sanoddrequest,butIdoasI’mtold,allwhileJenniehooksherphoneuptomyspeakersandstartspumpingoldChristmastunes.
She’smaybethecutestthingeverasshesingstoherself,hipsswayingbackandforthassheworks.Sheasksforthestorybehindeveryhandmadechildhoodornamentandtakesahotchocolatebreakeverytwominutes.It’sessentiallyherspooningthemarshmallowsfromhermugintohermouth,thendumpinganotherhandfulontop.
“Garrett,”shecoos.“OhmyGod.Isthisyourtinyhand?”
Iwrapmyarmaroundherwaistanddropmychintohershoulder,examiningtheglassornamentsheholdsdelicatelyinherhands.There’sasmall,whitehandprintonit,andeachfingerisdecoratedlikeasnowman.Ispinit,showinghermysloppyhandwriting,thebackwardletterG,andthe5thattellsushowoldIwas.
Herbeamissobright.“Doyouhaveanypaint?”
“Paint?”Ifollowhergazetotheboxofsixglassglobes.“Youwannamakehandprintsnowmen?”
Shegrins,headbobbing.
WhatdidIsay?Cutestthingever?Feelinglikeaprettyaccuratestatementrightnow.
Forty-fiveminuteslater,ourhandsarecoveredingrayish-bluelatexpaintthatwon’tcomeallthewayoff,there’spaintonthetipofJennie’snoseandabovemylefteyebrow,andourmiscoloredsnowmenhandprintshangsidebysideonmytree.Jennie’sthehappiestI’veeverseenher.
She’ssnugglinginonthecouchwhileIputthefinishingtouchesonouricecreamsundaeswhenmyphonestartsvibratingacrosstheroom.
“Uh,youhaveaFaceTimerequest,”Jennietellsme,hertoneuncharacteristicallyreserved.“SomeonenamedGabby.”
“Ohperfect.”IsettheicecreambowlsonthecoffeetableandflopdownnexttoJennie.Takingmyphone,Iwaitformylittlestsister’sfacetoappear.“Hey,Gabs.”
Outofmyperiphery,IcatchthewayJennie’sshouldersdrop,andshescootsalittlecloser.
“Garrett!”
“What’sup,kiddo?”
Gabbyheavesanexaggeratedsigh.“Imissyousomuch.Alexaisannoyin’me.Maybeshe’llbenicerwhenyougethome.”
“Shut.Up.Gabby!”Alexayellsfromtheabyss.She’sthreeyearsolderthanGabby,andafuckloadsassier.SheandJenniewouldgetalongwell.
“SeewhatImean?”Gabbyrollshereyes,andwhenshenoticesthebitofJennieshecansee,herfacelights.“Who’sthat?”
“Thisismyfriend,Jennie.”Iflashthephoneherway,andGabbygivesJennieabigwave.“We’reabouttoeatouricecreamsundaes.”
“Friend?Like,girlfriend?”
“No,”JennieandIsayatthesametime,laughterechoingoffthewalls.
Gabby’seyessparklewithmischief,andshegrins,showingoffthegapbetweenherfrontteeth.“Sure.That’swhattheyallsay.”Shetwists.“Mom!Garretthasagirlfriend!”
“IsshecomingforChristmas?”Momshoutsback,andJennieburiesherfacebeneathmyarm.
“No,shecan’tmakeit,”Itellthem,smilingdownatJennie.“She’sabouttodiefromembarrassmentbecausetheideaofusinarelationshipsickensher.”
“Ha!”Momsnortsfromafar.“Ilikeheralready!”
Gabbygiggles.“Well,Iguessifyou’reeatin’icecream,Ishouldletyoueatitbeforeitmelts.Ican’twaittoseeyou,Garrett.”
“Metoo,Gabs.Loveya.”
“She’syourtwin,”JenniemurmurswhenIsetmyphonedown.“Shealmostlookslikeshecouldbeyourdaughter.”
Ichuckle,handingJenniehersundaebeforeIdiveintomine.“Yeah,meandGabslookjustlikeourmom.AlexaandStephielooklikeourdad.”
“Youmustbesoexcitedtoseethem.IalwayswishedIhadasister.”Shestealsachunkofbananafrommysundae.“Willyouseeanyoneelsewhenyou’rehome?”
“MyoldhighschoolcrewgetstogethereverytimeI’mback.Therewereonlysixtyofusinourgraduatingclass,somostofuswereprettyclose.Almosteveryonestilllivesthere.”
It’shardtotellwhatlingersbehindJennie’ssmile.Itlookspartwistful,andmaybealittlesad.
“Whataboutyou?”Ishoveherspoonaside,diggingintoherbowlafteremptyingmine.“Areyoustillclosewithyourhighschoolfriends?”
Jenniepausesonsuckingherspoonclean.“No.”Thesimpleanswerissoftbutfirm,final,andthewayshestartsputtingspacebetweenus,nomatterhowlittle,tellsmenottopushit.
“Whaddayawannawatch?”
“Idon’tcare.”
Ihighlydoubtthat.We’vewatchedseveralmoviesandTVshowstogether,andI’veonlyeverbeenallowedtochoosewhenit’sapreapprovedmovieorshowonherlist.
IflipmindlesslythroughNetflix,focusinginsteadonJenniefromthecornerofmyeye.She’spullingatthefrayedhemoftheblanketdrapedoverherlap,tuggingatthecuffofhersleeves,twiningherhairaroundherfingers,allwhilelookinganywherebutatme.
Idon’tliketheapprehensionshe’swearing,therosyflushofhercheeksbecauseshe’stryingtowithholdheremotions,thewayhergazewobblesjustslightly.
Ipickupherphone.It’sstillconnectedtomyspeakers,soIexitherChristmasplaylistandclickontheonetitledJ’sFavswhileshewatchesmecuriously.
“Ican’tdancelikeyou,butIcandoameanslowspinaroundthelivingroom.YoushouldaseenallthegirlsIgotattheSpringFlingineighthgrade.Startedsomanyfightsbetweenfriends.”Iholdoutmyhand,andwhenshehesitantlyslipshersintomine,Ipullhertoherfeet.“C’mon,Jennie.Dancewithme.”
Hergrinisaslowexplosion,lightingherwholefaceasallthatapprehensionfadesaway.“You’lldanceforme?”
“I’lldoanythingforyou.”Spinningherintome,Iwindanarmaroundherback.Whenourfingerslace,shelaysherheadonmychest.“Althoughit’ssecretlykillingmethatI’mslowdancingtoJustinBieberrightnow.”
Weswaytogether,acomfortablesilencethatwrapsaroundus,thetwinklylightsfromtheChristmastreemakingherglowinmyarms,butIthinkshealwaysglows.
Anewsongstarts,andJenniemakesasoft,happynoise,herbodymoldingintomine.Ilistenasshehumsalongtothemusic,andasthewordsdancearoundmylivingroom,thefamiliarityofthetunesinksin.
“Thisisyourfavoritesong,”Imurmur.
“How’dyouknow?”
“Whenyoudrovemehomeaftermyconcussion,itcameontheradio.Youturneditupandsangalong.”Ilookedituplaterthatnight,learningitsname:“FallingLikeTheStars.”Irememberthequietwayshesangthewords,thewaytheairinthecarchanged,heaviersomehow.IknewthenIwantedtoknowherbetter,soIcameupwithmygeniusswimplan.She’dneverletmegoalone.
“Ithoughtyouweresleeping.”
“Nah.Justcouldn’tlookatyou.”
“Garrett,”sheguffaws,deliveringaswiftsmacktomyshoulder.
Ichuckle,catchingherhandandtanglingourfingersagain.“Notlikethat.Wewerealoneinmycar,andyoulookedsohotsittinginthedriver’sseat.IwasafraidIwasgonnaderailusandtossyouinthebackseat.”
Shegigglesquietly,andIrevelinthefeelofherinmyarms,likeshewasmadetobeapartofmylifeinsomeway.
“Jennie?”
“Yeah?”
“CanIaskwhy?”
“Whywhat?”Herbodydoesn’teventense,herhandsoftandwarminmine,headonmyshoulderwhileshehumsalong.I’dliketotellmyselfit’sbecauseshetrustsme,thatshefeelssafeherewithme.Butshe’srelaxedbecauseshehasnoideaI’mabouttogodownthisroad.Shethinksshe’ssurroundedbyskyscrapers,butthey’reonlywalls.Wallsthatlowerdayafterday,lettingmepeekintoherlife,herpast,evenifshehasnoideaI’mlooking.
So,whywhat?HowdoIputitintowordswithoutscaringheroff?Whyhasitbeenyearssinceshe’shadsex?Whathappened,andwhodidit?Issheokay?HowcanIhelpher?
“Whatdidhedo?”isthequestionthatfinallycomes.I’mnotsureit’sthebestoption,especiallywhenshestiffensinmyarms.
“IthinkI’mgonnaheadout,”sherepliesquietly,herhandsslippingthroughmine.
“What?No.No,I—”Iwatchasshemakesherwaytothedoor,lookingforherslippers,andwhenshefindsthem,Igrabthem.“Don’tleave.”
“It’snotabigdeal,”shelies.“I’mjusttired.”
“No.”Itugherintome,buryingherinmybodywhilesheputsupahalf-assedfight.“Please,Jennie,”Iwhine.“Don’tleaveme.”
Shesighs,givingupthefight,lettingmesmotherherinmyhug.“Idon’twanttotalkabouthim.”
Andsowedon’t.Wesettletogetheronthecouch,underpilesofblankets,Jenniebetweenmylegs,hersmallhandfistingmyshirt,astheWhosdowninWhovilleprepareforChristmas.
Ishiftmyhoodieupherback,trailingmyfingertipsoverhersmoothskin.“Jennie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’msorryIupsetyou.”
Atiredsigh,andshesnugglesdeeper,nuzzlingintomychest.“Garrett?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanksformakingmefeelbettertoday.I’mluckytohaveyou.”
ButIthinkit’smewho’stheluckyone,andwhenshefallsasleeptenminutesintothemovie,Idon’twakeher.Idon’twakeher’tilaftermidnight,andeventhen,I’mconsideringsayingfuckit
Instead,Ipickherup,windherarmsaroundmyneck,legsaroundmywaist,andtakeherbacktoherapartment,leavingwithakissonherlipswhenshestirs,gazingupatmewithadazzling,sleep-drunksmile.CHAPTER18THEF-WORDGARRETT
Eastcoastwinterssuck.
Idon’toftenfindmyselfmissingthem,unlessVancouverhasaparticularlymildwinterandpondhockeyisoffthetable.I’vebeenheretwodaysandhavespenthourswhippingaroundthefrozenpondwithfriendsortakingmysistersoutforaskate.
ButrightnowI’monmyassinthesnowonthefrontlawnofmychildhoodhome,gettingpummeledbysnowballs.
Aparticularlyhardandicyonesmacksmedeadinthenuts,andIfalltomyback,groaning.
“Oops,”Alexasays,whichishowIknowshediditonpurpose.
“Garrett!Areyouokay?”Gabbyscruncheshernose,gritsherteeth,andwithabattlecrythatechoesinthefrigidair,chargesatAlexa.Thetwoofthemcollide,tumblingtotheground,shriekingasthesnowswirlsaroundthem.
Stephie’sfaceappearsovertopofme,blockingthesun.“Meandyouaretheonlynormalones,”shesaysplainly,thentriestopullmeup.She’sten,allscrawny,ganglylimbs,andprobablyseventypoundssoakingwet.I’mtwohundredplus.Theeffortisthere,butit’snotworking.
Ilietherelifeless,andeventuallyshegivesup,droppingontopofme,knockingthewindfrommylungs.
Sherollsoff,lyingbesidemeinthesnow,andsmiles.“Ireallymissyouwhenyou’renothere.Iwishyoucouldcomehomemore.”
“IthinkweshouldconvinceMomandDadtomovetoVancouver.Thenwe’dneverhavetomisseachother.”
“Fatchance.Dadsaysyouguysdon’thavegoodlobsterthere.”
YoucangetgoodanythinganywhereifyoumakeasmuchmoneyasIdo,buttherereallyisnothinglikeeastcoastlobster.It’swhyIwoundupwearingoneofthoseplasticbibslastnightattheHarbourLobsterPound.Conversationwaslimited,themoaningattoppeak.IatesomuchIcrashedearlyandmissedJennie’scall.
Infact,withourclashingschedules,wehaven’ttalkedmuchsinceIlastsawher.AtleastIgettoseeherduringherrecitaltonight,evenifit’sonlyonTV.
Whenthesunstartstodip,thechillintheairtoodamptobefunanymore,weretreattothewarmth,andItextJennie.
Me:Can’twaittowatchukickass.Hopeucanhearmycheersfromhere,sunshine
“Garrett’stextinghisgirlfriend!”Gabbyshrieksassheleapsoverthebackofthecouchandontomyback,tryingtotacklemetotheground.“Hecalledhersunshine!”
“She’snotmygirlfriend,youlittlemonster.”Iwrapmyarmaroundherheadandtickleherribs,laughingasshetriestofightmeoff.“Jennie’sjustmyfriend.”
Shespinsoutofmygraspandjumpstoherfeet.Breathless,sheswipesherdarkblondehairfromwhereit’splasteredtohercheeks.“Yeah,afriendyouwatchChristmasmovieswithandmakeicecreamsundaesfor.”Shestickshertongueout,dashingawaywithasquealwhenIlungeforher.
“Jennie,”Mommurmursfromwhereshe’sworkingoverthestove.Shecastsmeaglanceoverhershoulder.“NotJennieBeckett?”
WhenIdon’trespond,hermouthgapes.
“GarrettAndersen,pleasetellmeyou’renotdatingyourcaptain’slittlesister.”
“Okay.I’mnotdatingmycaptain’slittlesister.”
Shepopsafistonherhip,expressionunamused.
“What?We’renotdating.We’rejustfriends.”Technicallynotalie.
“DoesCarterknowyou’refriends?”
“Uh,yeah.Weliveinthesamebuilding.Heknows.”Stillnotalie.
“Okay,letmerephrasemyquestion.DoesCarterknowyou’rewatchingmoviesatnightwithhislittlesisterandmakinghericecreamsundaes?”
Icrossmyarmsandlookaway,grumbling,“Shutup.”Gabbymeetsmygazefromwhereshe’spartiallyhiddenbehindthewall.Ipointafingerather.“You’reintrouble.”
Amaniacalgiggleleaveshermouth.“Alexahasaboyfriendtoo!JacobDaniels!”
“Gabby!”Alexashrieks.
“Isawthemholdinghandsatrecess!”Gabbyscreams,runningdownthehallway,bedroomdoorslammingshutmomentsbeforeAlexacollideswithit.
Stephiemeetsmygaze.“What’dItellya?Theonlynormalones.”
“Whataboutyou?”Ipokeherside.“Anyboyfriends?”
Hercheeksblazeandshelooksatherhandsinherlap.
“I’lltakethatasayes.”
Hereyeslift,searchingmine.“WhatifIwantagirlfriendinsteadofaboyfriend?”
Itugherintomyside,kissingherhair.“Thenyouwantagirlfriend;that’sallthereistoit.”
Stephiesinksagainstme,andthephoneonthewallringsbeforemymomgrabsit.MyparentsaretheonlypeopleIknowwhostillhaveahousephone.
Momturnsaway,voicelow.“Well,whattimecanweexpectyou?Yoursonisonlyhomeforacoupleofdays…Ididn’tsaythat.Iknowyou’rebeingsafe.It’djustbeniceifyoucouldspendsomemore—okay,okay.We’llseeyouwhenyougethome.”Shehangsup,givingmeatightsmile.
“Everythingokay?”
“Yourdad’sgoingfordinnerwiththeguysfromwork.”
I’mnotsurprised.He’smostlymadehimselfscarcesinceIgotinyesterdaymorning.Hepickedmeupfromtheairport,anditwasanawkwarddrivehome,forcingconversationthatdidn’twanttocome.
Ilovemydad,andIknowhelovesme,butIalsoknowhefeelsanoverwhelmingsenseofguiltforhisabsenceinmychildhoodandthepainhecaused.Hewentthroughalotoftherapy,madetheefforttorepairourrelationshipwhenhereturnedtoourlives,butIthinkit’sbeeneasierforhimwithmegonealltheseyears.SometimesIfeellikenothingmorethanareminderofhisstruggles.
I’mgladmysistersgotadifferentversionofhim,butitdoesn’tstopmefromwishingourrelationshipweredifferentnow,especiallywhenheeventuallywalksinthedoorandmysistersrushhim,hugginghim.
“Hey,Gare.”Hesqueezesmyshoulder.“SorryImisseddinner.Whatareyouguysupto?”Hiseyesaretiredandredrimmed,andhisgazedoesn’tlingerlongonmine.Mybraintellsmetosearchtheairforanyhintofvanillaspice,thesmokyaromaofhisolddrinkofchoice.Myheartremindsmybrainthatwetrusthim.
“We’regonnawatchGarrett’sgirlfriend’sdancerecital,”GabbytellshimasIsetupthelivestream.
“She’snothisgirlfriend,”Alexamumbles.
Ishakeherknee.“Thanks,Lex.”
Isinkintothecouchasagroupofballerinastakethestage,andGabbysnugglesintomyside,Stephiebetweenmylegsonthefloor.AlexalooksatmeandGabbyandslowly,sodamnslowly,startsinchingcloser.
Grinning,Igrabher,jerkingherintomyside.“Comehere,you.”
Shegiggles,relaxingagainstme,andmydadsmilesdownatus.
Heclapshisfistintohishandasmymomfindsaspace.“Uh,doyoumindifI…joinyouguys?”
“Ofcourseyoucan,”Itellhim.Thewayhegrins,goinginstantlyfromawkwardtoecstatic,remindsmesomuchofmyselfduringthosefirstfewencounterswithJennie.
Hebrewsmugsofhotchocolateforeveryone,extramarshmallows,andturnsthelightsout.“Whichoneisyourgirlfriend?”
“She’snotmy—”Isigh,scrubbingahanddownmyface,butwhenthespotlightilluminatesthenextdancers,whenthemusicstartsandJennie’sbodycomestolife,Ileanforward.“Theresheis.”
I’mnotsureI’veeverseenanythingsostunning.Drapedinadeepemeralddress,longhairbraidedbackwithachampagneribbon,sheoutshineseveryoneasshefloatsacrossthestage.Everyleap,everyspin,everythingshedoeslookseffortlessandnatural,exactlylikeshewasborntodoit.
JennieandSimonareanextensionofeachother,alwaysconnectedinsomeway.Heseemstoknowwheresheisevenwhenhecan’tseeher,andastrangefeelingsurgesthroughme,likeIwanttotakeherhandandtugherintome,hideherawayforonlyme.
Ipushthethoughtfrommyhead,focusingonmyfavoritepersonasshedancesseveraltimesthroughouttheninety-minuterecital,allwhilemyfamilycommentsonhowbeautifullyshemoves.Whenitcomestoanend,Jenniethelastonstage,mychestswellswithpride,andIstayuplatesoIcantellherjustthatwhenshecalls.
WhenJennie’sbrightbeamfillsmyscreen,ithitsmewhysunshineistheperfectnicknameforher—becauseshe’sradiating,andwhenshewearsthatwidesmile,deepdimplespulledin,stormyblueeyesshiningwithexcitement,shefuckingglows.
“Whatdidyouthink?”Shemightbevibrating.
“Youwereincredible,Jennie.”
Hereyessparkwithexcitement.“Youreallythinkso?”
“I’msoproudofyou.Youwerebreathtaking.”
Shefiddleswiththebowattheendofherbraid.“Iwasthinkingaboutyouupthere.I…Iwasn’tsureyouwerestillgoingtowatch.Youdidn’tanswermycalllastnight,soIthoughtmaybe…”Sheliftsashoulderandletsitfall.“Idonno.Forgetit.It’sstupid.”
“Tellme.”
“Idon’tknow.IguessIthoughtyouwenthomeandmaybeforgotaboutme.”Herfaceflamesandshewavesahandthroughtheair.“Stupid.”
Ihaven’tquitefigureditout,butJenniebringsanachetomychestthatwasn’ttherebeforeher.She’sanenigma,thisbold,confidentwomanwhorefusestosettleyetalwaysseemstobewaitingfortheothershoetodrop.It’slikeshe’sexpectingmetowalkawayatanymoment,likethisrelationshipisn’tasvaluabletomeasitistoher.
“Haven’twealreadycoveredthatyou’reverymissable?”
Jennieflipsherbraidoverhershoulder.“Sotrue.You’dneversurvivewithoutme.”
Ichuckle,stretchingoutonthesmallbed,foldinganarmbehindmyhead.“I’msorryImissedyourcalllastnight.IatesomuchlobsterIpassedoutatnineandsleptforfourteenhoursstraight.DidyouthinkIwasignoringyourcall?”
Shepullsherkneestoherchest,smileguilty.Herteethdescendonherbottomlip,gnawinguntilshefinallyworksupthecouragetosaywhatshewantsto.“Willyoudomeafavor?Whenyouwanttostopthis,likeifyoumeetsomeoneandyouwannahookupordateorwhatever,willyouendthisbeforeanythinghappenswiththem?Idon’twanttofeelstupidoranything.”
Herquestioncatchesmeoffguard,buteverytimesheshowsmepiecesofhervulnerability,I’msurprised.Sheusedtosayshewishedshecouldseeinsidemyhead,butlatelyI’mfindingIwishIcouldseeinsidehers.
“Committed,remember?Therewon’tbeanyoneelse.”
Jennierollshereyes.“Garrett,you’rearich,professionalhockeyplayer.Andyou’rehotasballs.You’remeetinggirlsallthetime.”
“Sure,andwhenthat’salltheysee,they’renotitforme.”
Shameslashesherdelicatefeatures.“Ididn’tmean…Iknowthere’smoretoyouthanthat,Garrett.”
“Idon’twantyoubeinginsecureaboutthis.Yes,Imeetlotsofgirls,andadmittedly,Icoulddothiswithanynumberofthem.Butthere’sareasonI’mdoingitwithyou.Ilikeyou,Jennie.You’refunandyoumakemelaugh.Iliketobossyouaroundinthebedroomandyouliketobossmearoundtherestofthetime.We’recompatible,andthechemistryisexplosive,whichiswhyIthinkthisworkssowell.Ontopofthat,you’requicklyclimbingyourwaytothetopofmybestfriendlist.”
Hernosedoesthatcutewrinklething.“You’rejustsayingthat.”
I’mnotthough.Idon’tknowwhenshebecamemyfavoritepersontohangoutwith,butsheis.IfindmyselfthinkingaboutherwhenI’moutwiththeguysafteragame,orwarmingupontheice.Itextherfornoreasonatall,simplybecauseIliketalkingtoher.
I’mhavingfunhere,seeingmyoldfriends,spendingChristmaswithmyfamily,butIcan’twaittogethome,spendanightremindingJenniehowmuchIenjoyhercompany.Becauseforsomefucked-upreason,Ithinkshemightseeherselfasdisposable.
“Plus,oursnowmenhandprintslookbombnexttoeachotheronmytree.”
Jennielaughs,andanylingeringtensiondissipates,hershouldersfallingasshechatsanimatedlyabouttherecital,thedinnerCartertookeveryonetoafterward.
It’stwointhemorninghereandtenatnighttherewhenIaskJennie,“IfyoucouldwakeuptomorrowandhavethethingyouwantedmostforChristmas,whatwoulditbe?”Iregretthewordsassoonastheyleavemymouth,andevenmoresowhenJennie’sgazeflickers,thelightinhereyesdimming.
Iknowtheanswer.It’sthesameforanypersonwho’slostsomeonespecial.
MoretimeOnemorehug.Thegood-byetheynevergot.
Jenniereachesforthatinvisiblelocket,theonethat’ssupposedtobehangingfromherneck.“PrincessBubblegum.It’sstupid,Iknow.It’sjustastuffedanimal,justanecklace.Ican’tgetmydadback,but…atleastIgottocarryhimwithme.”
Shesurprisesmethenwithasmile,wideandbrilliant.Evenwithsomuchlingeringsadness,it’seasilythemostbreathtakingsmileI’veeverseen.
“HaveyoueverseenTheParentTrap?ItwasmyfavoritemoviewhenIwasyounger.Annieandherbutlerhadthissecrethandshake.Itwasthishugething,superextravagant.MydadandI,wespenthourslearningit.We’ddoiteveryday.Everysingleday.Beforeheleftforwork,beforehetuckedmeintobed.”Shesmileswistfullyatthememory.“IthinkifIcouldhaveanything,somethingthatwereactuallypossible…itwouldbecooltodothathandshakeagain.”Shewavesahandthroughtheair.“Whatwouldyouaskfor?”
Mythoughtsdrifttoearliertonight,thewaymyfamilywaswholeaswesatonthecouchtogetherandlaughed,just…existedtogether,happyandcarefree.SoItellJennieexactlythat.
WhenI’mdone,sheasks,“Youandyourdaddon’thavethebestrelationship?”
“It’sjuststrained.Hecarriesalotofguilt,andthetimeawayfromeachotherallowsthedistanceinourrelationshiptogrow.”
“Whatdoeshefeelguiltyabout?Youdon’thavetotellmeifyoudon’twantto.”
“It’sokay.Idon’tmind.”Withatiredsigh,Idragahandthroughmyhair.“Myparentswerehighschoolsweethearts,andmymomhadmewhenshewasseventeen.WhenIwassix,theygotmarried.Mydad…Iguesshefeltlikehemissedoutonalotofthings,becomingafathersoyoung.Hestarteddrinkingalot,anditspiraledoutofcontrolprettyquickly.MymomdecidedenoughwasenoughwhenheforgottopickmeupfromhockeypracticewhenIwasninebecausehewasdrunkatabar.”
Jennie’sexpressioniscarefulwhileItellheraboutmyparents’short-livedmarriage,mydad’sstrugglewithalcohol,evenaftermymomlefthim,buthereyesshinewithhurtforme,holdthebetrayalIfeltallthoseyearsagowhenthepersonIwassupposedtobeabletorelyonmostwasneverabletobethereformebecausehewasn’tcoherentenoughtodoso.
“WhenIwaseleven,mydadtookmefordinner.Wewenttothisshadydivebar.Itwasdarkandreekedlikestalebeer.Iatemypizzainsilencewhilehedrank.Onehourturnedintotwo,andeventuallyitwasaftertenonaschoolnight.”Myhandslidesalongmyjawatthememorythatmakesmythroattight.“Idrovehomebecausehecouldn’t.”
“Garrett.”Jenniegaspssoftly.“Youwereonlyeleven.”
“Ourneighborsawmetryingtodraghimupthepathwayandintothehouse.Mydadlosthislicenseandallvisitationrights.”
“I’msorry,Garrett.Thatsoundssodifficult.IwishIcouldhugyou.”
“Itiswhatitis.Intheend,itwasforthebest.Itwasthepushheneededtogethelp,andhedid.Heputtheworkin,andhehasn’ttouchedadropofalcoholsince.I’mproudofhim.”
“You’reagoodson.”
“Whenyoutoldmeyoudidn’tdrink,Ihadtokindofsitonthatforawhile.MaybeI’dmadethewrongdecisionbydrinkingaftereverythingmydadwentthrough,afterwhatheputmeandmymomthrough.ShouldIhaveavoidedit?”Ishrug.“Maybe.Probably.ButIguessIdidn’twanttolethispastmistakescontrolmylife.”
IseethewheelsturningasJenniecontemplatesmywords.“DoyouthinkIletthewaymydaddiedcontrolmylifebychoosingnottodrink?”
“Idon’tthinkthatatall,Jennie.Ithinkyousawthedevastatingeffectsalcoholcouldhaveonafamilyandyoudecidedyouwantednothingtodowithit.Wehandleitdifferently,andneitherofusiswrong.”
“I’mgladyoudon’tletyourdad’spastaffectyou.”
“SometimesIthinkitdoes.Notmuch,butalittle.Whenhewasdrinking,hesaidalotofthingshedidn’tmean,ormaybehedid.Alotofhurtfulthings,regardless,soeventuallyIlearneditwassafertokeepmymouthshut.IfIwasquiet,Iwaslesslikelytobeonthereceivingendofhiswords.SometimesIstillhavetroublespeakingmymind,likeI’mworriedsomeonemightnotlikewhatIhavetosay.”
GuilttugsatJennie’smouth.“I’msorryImadeyoufeellikeyoucouldn’tspeakfreelywithmebefore.”
Ishakemyhead,chucklingquietly.“Iappreciatetheapology,butit’snotnecessary.Sure,Iwasintimidatedbyyouandthatmadeithardformetotalkaroundyou.Butthat’sbecauseyouweresexyashell,spokeyourmind,andIwantedyoubutknewIcouldneverhaveyou.TherewasagoodchanceanythingIsaidwasgonnagetmede-dicked,byeitheryouoryourbrother.”
Sheflashesagrin,dimple-poppingandextracharming.“Iwouldneverde-dickyou.Iloveyourdick.”
“You’dlovehimmoreifyoulethiminsideyourDisneyland.”
Jennielaughs,butthere’sastrainbehindit,asignshe’sretreatingjustalittle.Shedropshergaze,andsilencebeatsbetweenus.Idon’tknowwhenthefuckI’lllearntokeepmymouthshut,tothinkalittleharderbeforeIspeak.Ironic,consideringtheconversationwejusthad.ButnowthatI’vegottentoknowJennie,Ifeelateasewithmythoughts.Idon’tfeellikeIneedtowithholdthemfromhersomuch,becauseIknowsheappreciatesmyhonesty.
Sowhiletheintentbehindmywordsmayhavebeeninnocenttome,IcanrecognizetheymightsounddifferenttoJennie.
“Hey,I’msorry.I’mnottryingtopushyoutohavesexwithme,andIrealizeitmustsoundlikethat.Irespectyourdecision,andIwon’tbringitupagain.”
Jennienods,tracingsomesortofpatternonherbedspread.
“Youcantalktomethough;youhavetoknowthat.”
Herheadlifts,blueeyescareful.“Talktoyouaboutwhat?”
“Aboutwhathappened.”
Hergazegoeshazyanddark.“DidCartertellyou?”
“No,Jennie.Carterdidn’ttellmeanything.”
IwishIweretheretohavethistalkwithherinperson.Herfirstinstinctisalwaystorun,andmineistohug.AllIwanttodoiswrapherinmyarmsandpromiseherthere’sanothersidetowhateverhappened,anendingwhereshe’sabletomovepastitandstoplettingitimpactherlifethewayitdoes.
“Youshutdowneverytimewegodownanydirectionthatleadstowardhighschool,exes,andsex.That’showIknow.AndIwantyoutoknowthatifyoueverwanttoshareit,I’llkeepitsafe.”I’llkeepyousafe.
Shepicksatherblanket,licksherlips.“Doyouthinkwe’dbefriendsevenwithoutCarter?Ifyousatdownnexttomeinacoffeeshop?”
“Ithinkweshareaconnectionthatgoesbeyondyourbrother.Withorwithouthim,Iwouldn’thesitatetoplaceyouinmylifeandkeepyouthere.”
There’ssomethingsoheartbreakingaboutthesparkoflifethosesimplewordsbringtohereyes,thewayshebitesbackthistremblingsmilethatwantstospringfree,likeshe’sneverfeltsowantedandshedoesn’tknowwhattodowiththefeeling.Itmakesmewanttodedicatetherestofmylifetomakingsureshenevergoeswithoutitagain
“I’dliketotellyouoneday,butI’mnotready.”Jennie’seyessearchmine,beggingforpatience.“Isthatokay?”
“Whenyou’reready,Jennie,I’mhere.”
Thegratitudeshininginhersmilethrowsmeforaloop.It’slikeallshe’sneededallthistimewasforsomebodytogiveherthechancetonavigateanewfriendship,ameaningfulrelationship,timeforhertofeelateasetoopenupandbeherself.I’mhappyandhonoredtobethatperson,butI’msadshe’sspentyearswithoutone.Iwanthertofeelsafetobeherselfwithme.
ButIhaveonemorequestion,onethat’sbeenhanginglikeaheavycloudaboveme.“Jennie?Ijusthavetoknowonething.”Whenshenods,Iask,“Didhehurtyou?”
Herhandgoestoherbraidashergazefalls.“Notphysically,no.”
“Pleasedon’tbrushoffwhateverhappenedbecausehedidn’tleavebruisesonyourbody.Bruisesyoucan’tseecanhurtjustasmuchastheonesyoucan.”
Hereyesliftcautiouslytomine,showingmeunshedtears.“TheyhurtalittlelesswhenI’mwithyou,”shewhispers.“Thankyouforbeingmyfriend,Garrett.IthinkIreallyneededyou.”
TheheavinesswanesasJennieasksmeaboutmysisters,whatwe’vebeengettingupto.Shelaughsandsmiles,andIrevelineachoneshegracesmewithasIsitherethinkingaboutthatfuckingf-word,thelabelIwassoeagertoshoveonus.
Friends.
WhatthefuckwasIthinking?CHAPTER19SOTHISISCHRISTMAS…JENNIE
IkeepwaitingforChristmaseswithouthimtogeteasier,butI’mlearningthat’snothowgriefworks.
Idon’tknowthatgriefevenhassetrules,onlythatitprettymuchalwaysdoestheoppositeofwhatyouthinkitwill.Youthinkyouknowwhattoexpectbecauseyouwentthroughitlastyear,andtheyearbefore,andtheonebeforethat.You’llbepreparedthistime.Right?
Grief’snotthatsimple.It’safuckingmindfuck.
Myheartfeelsjaggedandfractured,adeep,dullpainthatwon’twane,evenasIsnugglebeneaththecovers,huggingtheframewiththephotoofmeandDadalittlebittighter,wishingforjustonemoreChristmaswithaheartthat’swhole.
Myphonebuzzes,andIshoveitunderthepillow,notreadytowearasmilethatfeelsextraemptytoday.
Butitkeepsbuzzing,overandoveruntilIyankitout,acceptthecallbeforeIrealizeit’saFaceTime,andgrowloutaratheraggressive,“What?”
Garrett’sbrighteyesblinkbackatme.Hegrins.“MerryChristmastoyou,too,sunshine.JesusChrist,whoshitinyourCornPopsthismorning?”
Idon’tknowhowthemanmanagestodoit,butIcrackasmile.Alittleone,like,supertiny.Butthewiderhisgets,thebiggerminegrows,untilI’mrollingmyeyesandlaughing.
“Sorry.Ididn’tlooktoseewhoitwasbeforeIanswered.”
“Youfellasleeponmelastnight,soIwantedto—”
“Areyouonthephonewithyourgirrrlfriend?”avoiceteases.
“Getouttahere,Gabby!”Garretttossesapillow,andeventhroughthesoundofaslammingdoor,IcanhearGabby’sshrillgiggles.Hesighs,dragginghisfingersthroughhismussedhair.“She’sbeencallingyoumygirlfriendforthelastthreedays.”
“Bettersetherstraightthen.TellherIhadnochoiceinhavingabrotherasahockeyplayer;I’mnotgoingtovoluntarilydateone.She’llunderstandoneday.”
Heturnsaway,rubbingthebackofhisneck.“Yeah,well,Gabbycan’tbetamed.Shesaysanddoeswhatevershewants,kindalikeyou.”
“Ah,soyou’resurroundedbystrong,powerfulwomen.”
“Somethinglikethat,”hesaysonalongexhale.“Justtossthewordwildinthere.”
Myeyesnarrow.“You’regonnagetpinchedforthatwhenIseeyounext.”
“Nah,I’lljusttieyourhandsbehindyourbacksoyourpinchyfingerscan’tgetanywherenearme.Plus—”heliftsonearm,flexinghisbicep,andgrowlsplayfully,“—thisbodywasbuiltbythegods.Idon’thaveanounceofbodyfatonmeforpinchingpurposes.”
“Youhockeyplayersareallthesame:cockylittleshits.”Iwon’ttouchonthefactthatmyladypartsaretinglingatthethoughtofhimtyingmyhandsbehindmyback.But,like…maybeI’lltouchonitinthefuture.
“Youcan’tlumpmeinwiththerestofthem.I’minaleagueallmyown.”
Ican’tsayIreallydisagree.Garrett’snothingliketheplayersyouseeinthenews.He’slikeasoft,gooeycinnamonroll.Alotofwomenwouldjumpatashotwithamanlikehim.
Ituckthethoughtsaway,becauseI’dprefertoremainoblivioustotheeventualgood-byeI’llhavetosaytotheonlymeaningfulrelationshipI’veeverhad,thedeepest,mostgenuineconnectionI’vefoundwithaperson.Good-byessuck,andnopartofmeisreadyfortheonewithGarrettthatloomssomewhereinthefuture.
“Whatareyoudoingstillinbed,anyway?”Garrettasks.
“You’restillinbed,”Ipointout.
“I’mbackinbed.Wealreadyhadcoffee,atebreakfast,andopenedpresents.”
“Butyou’renotwearingashirt.”
“Wantedtogiveyousomethingtolookat.”
Ilaugh,afullbellyonethatfeelsgood.“Okay,hotshot.”
“Youcouldtakeyoursoff,too,ifyouwant.”
“We’renothavingChristmasmorningphonesexwhenyourfamilyisdownthehall.”
Herunsapalmdownhischestandsighs.“Can’tblameaguyfortrying.Butseriously,canyoudosomethingforme?Ineedyoutorunuptomyplaceforaminute.”
“ButI’minbed!”IpeelbacktheblanketsandaimthephoneatmyfleecepajamaswithdogsdressedasSanta.“I’mwearingmyjammies!”
Hisgazerakesoverme,anamusedbrowquirking.“Reallyleavingalottotheimaginationthere,aren’tyou?”
“Shutup,youdonkey.”Islipoutofbedandstretch,yawning.“Fine,I’llgo.ButI’mgoinglikethis,andI’mnotputtingabraon.”
“BralessJennieismyfavoriteJennie.”
IridetheelevatoruptoGarrett’spenthouseandkeyinthecodeasherecitesittome.It’sbrightandtoastyinhere,themorningsundrowningthespaceingoldenwarmth.MulticoloredlightsmaketheChristmastreetwinkle,drawingmetoit.It’sbeensolongsinceIdecoratedforChristmasthatIhadn’teventhoughttoputupatreeofmyown.
“There’saboxunderthetree,”Iobserve,spottingthegiftwrappedinbrownpaperwithshinyredreindeersstampedalloverit,toppedwithanextravagantgoldbow.Iturnoursnowmenornamentsinmyhand,smilingatourinitialsonthebottom,rightnexttoourages.“Youdidn’tforgetoneofyoursister’spresents,didyou?”
“No.Ijustwantedtobewithyouwhileyouopenedyourgift.”
Mygazefallstomyphone,findingGarrett’ssoftsmile.“What?”
“Thegiftisforyou,Jennie.”
Isinktomykneesinfrontofthegift.Sureenough,Sunshineisscrawledacrossthetag.Alumpformsinmythroat,tightandheavy,oneIcan’tswallowdown.“Yougotmeagift?ButI…Ididn’tgetanythingforyou.Ididn’tknow…I—”
“Stop.I’msurethiscrossessomesortofimaginaryfriends-with-benefitsline,butIwantedtogetyousomething.Sogoonandopenit.”
IcrossmylegsandpropthephoneupsoGarrettcanseeme.There’saslighttremorinmyhands,bothexcitedandnervoustoseeinside.Irunmyfingeralongtheedgeoftheribbonbeforetugging,watchthebowfallapart,thenpromptlyripintothewrappingpaper.
WhenIopenthebox,agigglebubblesinmythroat,andIpullthefirstitemout.
“Sowecanhavedancebattles,”Garrettsays,watchingmeturntheJustDancevideogameinmyhand.
“I’lldestroyyou.Isyouregobuilttohandlethat?”
“MaybeI’vebeenpracticing.”
“Practiceallyouwant,Garrett,I’mstillgonnaburyyoualive.”Isetthegameasideandpulloutasweatshirt,laughingagainasIreadthesilverwordsthatloopacrossit.“SparklingPersonality?Really?”
He’sdoingashitjobathidinghowfunnyhethinksthisis,snicker-snortingashevibrates.“Getit?’Causeyou’resopleasantandsweet.”
“Uh-huh.”Thenextitemisclothingtoo.Apaleblueandpurplerompermadeofultra-softfleece,zippinginthefront.WhenIspythewordonthebutt,Garrett’slaughterquicklyspiralsintohystericalterritory.
“Theysayangelontheass,”hewheezes.“Angel.”
“Unbelievable.You’rereallyonarollrightnow,aren’tyou?”
“I’msorry.”Heswipesatatear.“Icouldn’thelpmyself.Plus,they’resupercheeky,soyourassisgonnahangoutofthem.”Hewipesbotheyesagainandpushesaheavybreathout,tryingtogetcontrolofhimself.Bothactionsannoyme,yetforthelifeofmeIcannotstopsmiling.“There’sonemore.”
Ipulltheskinnysilverwandoutofthebox,theclawsattachedtotheheadthatmakeitlooklikesomesortofextra-longfork.
“It’sabackscratcher,”Garrettexplains,“butIthought,ifyouuseitgently,youcouldtickleyourownbackwhenI’maway.”
Iextendthewandandslipitdownthebackofmypajamatop.MyeyesflutterclosedasImoan.“Oooh,Garrett.Youmight’vejustinadvertentlyreplacedyourself,bigguy.”
“Fuckthat.Nothingreplacesthesefingers.”
“Theyaremyfavoritefingers.”Ilookdownatthepileofgifts.“Thankyousomuch,Garrett.Iloveeverything.”
“It’snoPrincessBubblegum,butIhopeitbroughtyoualittlehappinessanyway.”
“Itdid.Thankyouforthinkingofme.”
Mygazedropstomyslippersasmyownwordsregister.Becauseatthebusiesttimeoftheyear,betweenjugglinghisbusyhockeyschedule,theholidays,andtravelinghometoseehisfamily,thismanthoughtofme,andIhonestlycan’tthinkofthelasttimesomebodydid.
“Ican’trememberthelasttimeIgotanygiftsfromsomeonewhowasn’tfamily.”
Silencehangsbetweenuslikeananchor,keepingmyeyesdowncast.I’mworriedI’vetakenusintouncharteredterritory,somewhereGarretthadnointentionofgoingwithasimplegift.
“ButIthinkyouaremyfamily,”hefinallyrepliessoftly,urgingmygazetohis,patientandkind,fullofcompassion.“Theguys,Cara,Ollie…they’rethefamilyIfoundhere,theoneIchose,andIthinkyou’repartofit,too,now.Iwantyoutobe,atleast.Youfeellikeyoubelonginit.”
Iturnawayintimetocatchasneakytearthatfindsitswayoutofmyeyeandtriestorolldownmycheek.Stupidholidaysandbig,cockyhockeyplayerswhoaresecretteddybears.
“I’mnotcrying,”Itellhim,sniffling.“Ihavethis,like,leakytearductthing.It’sacondition.”
Hislaughismyfavoritesound,hissmilemyfavoritesight.
“MerryChristmas,Jennie.”
“MerryChristmas,Garrett.”
***
“Whatinthesweetfuckareyouwearing?”
“What?This?”Carterlooksdownathisshirt,tuggingsothesinglewordisvisible,asifitweren’talreadylargeandincharge.DILF.“Olliegotitforme.”
“Itwasmeanttobeajoke,”Oliviamurmurs,“butit’shisfavoritegift.Hewon’ttakeitoff.”
“Wannaseethebestpart?”CarterpullsOliviaintohisside,beamingproudly.“Show’emyours,pumpkin.”
Herfaceflushes.“No,Idon’tthinkIwill.”
“C’mon.”Heshakesherarm.“Beloud,beproud,Olliegirl.”
Shedoesit,butshesuredragsherassaboutit,slowlypullinghersweateroverherhead,andIdon’tknowwhethertolaughatherorcryforher.
Becausetheshirtshewearsunderneathsportsonesimplesentence:IHEARTDILFs
“Pip,”IwhispertoOlivia,myshouldersshaking,laughterrumblinginmychest.Itrytoholditin,Iswear.“Whatdidyoudo?”
Hershouldersslump,eyesdowncast.“Ifuckedup.”
“What’saDILF?”Momasks,whichonlymakesmelaughharder,andwhenCarterjoinsin,Oliviastormsdownthehallway.“Itwasjustaquestion!”
Besideme,Hanksmiles.“IfeelbadforallthepeoplewhowillnevergettoexperienceaBeckettFamilyChristmas.”
IfeelbadforOlivia,becausenowshe’sdoomedtoalifetimeofthem.
I’mgladtohaveher,though,becauseIhaven’tseenCarterthishappyatChristmassinceourdaddied.Hissmileneverwanesashehugsherintohisside,linkingtheirfingers,kissinghershoulderortempleeverytimehepassesby.
IthinkOliviabroughthimbacktolife.Nowhe’salwaysthesamebrotherIgrewupwith—goofy,outrageous,withamassiveheart—notjustwhenthecamerasaren’taround.
SowhenhetellsushehasanexcitingChristmasactivityforustodoasafamily,I’mnotsurprised.
Stillnotsurprisedwhenheripsthesheetoffthekitchentable,revealingseveralboxesofgingerbreadhouses,thekindyoubuildanddecorateyourself
Alittlesurprisedthey’remadeofOreos,though.
“I’mjustsaying.”Carterslathersacookiewithicing,stickingittohiscookieroof.“Whoeverthoughtofthisisagenius.AwholevillagemadeofOreos?”Hemakesasound,likehe’shavingarevelation,andturns,wide-eyed,toOlivia.“Whatifwenamethebaby—”
“No.”
“But—”
“Nothappening.”
Carterfrowns,grumblingsomethingabouttheGrinchbeingafive-foot-onepregnantwoman,andOliviastealsamini-cookieoutofhishand,tossingitinhermouth.Itturnsintoafightovercookiesandedibledecorations,andeventuallyCarter’sholdingeverythingabovehisheadandlaughingwhileOliviatriestoclimbhisbodytoretrievesaiditems,allthewhileHank’seatingwhateverhecangethishandsonbesideme.
“Hank.”Isnicker.“You’resupposedtobeputtingthemonyourhouse,notinyourmouth.”
“Oops.”Hepopsanothercookiebetweenhislips.“AmInotputtingthemonmyhouse?Couldn’tquitetell.Iamblind,afterall.”
“You’renotusingthatasanexcusetoeatyourcookies,areyou?”
“IcandowhateverIwant,”hesayssimply,andit’sawonderheandCarteraren’tactuallyrelated,becausewhenthecookievillageisdone,thatseemstoalsobeCarter’smotto.
“There!”heexclaims,puttingthefinishingtouchonthelastofhisthreehouses.“Alldone!”Hiseyesglitterwithprideashetakesinthevillagethatsprawlsacrosshiskitchentable.Thenhereachesdown,grabsholdofachimney,priesitoff,andthrowsitinhismouth.
“Carter!”
Hestops,eyesroundwithfear,likehe’sbeencaughtred-handedbyhiswifedoingsomethinghe’snotsupposedto.Likeeatingthecookievillage.“What?”
“You’renotsupposedtoeatityet!You’resupposedtoleaveitondisplayforafewdays!One,attheveryleast!”
“What?Youwantmetostareatcookiehousesalldayandnoteatthem?”
Shejabsatoneoftheboxes,pointingtothevillagethat’sondisplayinthepicturebehindthehappyfamily,theonethatlooksnothinglikeoursrightnow.“Thosearetherules!”
Heflingshisarmsoverhead.“YouknowIdon’tfollowrules,especiallywhenOreosareinvolved!”HebreaksawalloffonehouseandlooksOliviadeadintheeyeashestuffstheentirethinginhismouth.“Wha’now,pwincess?”hemumbles,thendashesawaywithasquealwhenshelungesforhim.
Hankwhistlesalongtothetunefloatingfromthespeakers.“SothisisChristmas…”
***
Christmassnugglesarethebestsnuggles,especiallywhenit’syourmom’sarmswrappedaroundyouandyou’rewearingmatchingjammies.
Shehugsmetight,sighingintomyhair.“Imissedoursleepovers.”
“Imissedyou.”Mygazewandersthroughtheopendoor,downthehallway,whereIcanseethetwinkleoflights.“Ican’tbelieveyoudecoratedthisyear.”
“Withthebabyontheway,Ifiguredmaybeitwastimetostartagain.TheydeservetohaveamagicalChristmasexperience,nomatterwheretheygo.”
Iturn,lookingatmybeautifulmom.“Whataboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”
“Don’tyoudeserveitaswell?”Ilinkourfingers,pullingourclaspedhandstomychest.“Don’tyouwantsomeonetospendtheholidayswith?Shareyourlifewith?”
“Ihavemyfamily.Idon’tneedanyoneelse.”
“Ijustwantyoutobehappy,Mom.”Thewordsaremoreapleathananything.Idon’tknowiffindingsomeonetosharehertimewithwillbringhappiness,butifshethinksitmight,Iwishshe’dtry.
Thishouseusedtobefilledwithsomuchlaughter,andwhileitstillis,it’salsohometoagut-wrenching,silentloneliness.It’smymomsnugglingupaloneonaFridaynighttowatchherfavoritemovies,thecheesyrom-comsmydadgladlysatthroughwithherheadonhisshoulder.It’sthefar-offlookinhereyeswhilesheworksinthekitchen,thememoriesofmydadhangingoverhershoulderandbeggingforatasteofwhatevershewasmaking,pullingherawaysohecouldspinheraroundthekitchenwhilehesangtoher,loudandobnoxiousuntilherlaughterdrownedouthisvoice,andhesealeditwithakiss.
Sometimesthesilenceislouderthanthelaughter,anear-piercingroarthathasyoubeggingforittoend.
“Idon’tneedamantomakemehappy,Jennie.”There’snouncertaintyinhereyes.She’ssureofherdecision,butIsupposethat’swhatbringsherpeace.“I’mhappywiththelifeyourdadandIcreatedherewhilewehadthechance.I’mthankfulforthememorieswemade,andI’llalwayswishformore,buthe’swithusineverynewmemorywecreatetoo.Icanfeelhim,andIjust…Idon’twanttofillhisspacewithsomeoneelse.”
Atearrollsacrossthebridgeofmynose,drippingontothepillowcase.“Whatifonedayyoufindspaceforsomeoneelse?”
“IfonedayIfindspace,thenI’llletsomeonein.”Shepushesmyhairback,tuckingitbehindmyear.“Butwhataboutyou?Whenwillyouletsomeonein?”
“Idon’tneedamantomakemehappy,”Iparrotback,makingherlaugh.
“No,youdon’t.Whatyouneedisapartner,abestfriend.Someonewho’spatientwithyou,whowaitsforyoutoopenupwhenyou’rereadyandwantstowalkthroughallyourbattleswithyou.Someonewhomakesyoulaugh,whocomplementsyourincrediblequalities.Youhavesuchabigheart,Jennie,andIwishyou’dopenupaspaceinitforsomeone.Iknowyou’reafraid.Butlifeistooshorttobeafraid.”
Herwordswiggletheirwayintomybrain,settingupshopinthecorner,gatheringcobwebs,untilI’mthinkingbackonthemoverandover,eventwodayslaterwhileI’mlyingawakeinbedasthesunrises,andaderangedmurdererdecidestoknockonmydoor.
Notliterally,butseriously,whatthefuck?MybarefeetslapagainstthefloorsasIstormdownthehall,notbotheringwiththerat’snestonmyheadthatmostpeoplecallhair.
“Inwhatworldisitsociallyacceptabletoknockonsomeone’sdoorat—Garrett.”
Hesmilesdownatmefromwherehewaitsinmydoorway,goldenhaircurlingoutfrombeneaththeforestgreentoquehewears,dustedinsnowflakes,justliketheshouldersofhiscoatandthedufflethathangsathisside.
“IhaveonemoreChristmasgiftforyou.”Hestepsbeneaththethreshold,hispresenceoverwhelming,makingmysensesrunwild.Whenheextendshishandtome,myheartleapstomythroat.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iwhisper.
“C’mon,Jennie.Takemyhand.”
Ido,tentativelyslippingmineintohis.It’scoolfromtheelements,buthistouchstillmanagestomakemyskintinglewithheat,desire.
Andaswestandtherestaringateachother,slowlyshakinghands,I’veneverbeensoconfused.
Untilhepullshishandfreeandlaysitpalmdowninthespacebetweenus.
Mymemoryfloodswithhundredsofhappymornings,mydad’sslygrinasaregularhandshakespiraledandturnedintooneofourfavoritepastimes,somethingspecialforjustthetwoofus.
“C’mon,”Garrettwhispersagain,andmychestheavesashesmiles,waitingpatientlyformetolaymyhandontopofhis.
WhenIfinallyclapmyhandontopofhis,hisfaceshatterswithagrin,andtearspricklemyeyesasaburstoflaughterbubblesfrommythroat,thetwoofusinmydoorway,slappinghands,bumpinghips,switchingspots,andfinishingrightbackwherewestarted:withasimplehandshake.
HeopenshisarmsandIbarrelforward,buryingmyfaceinhischest,inhalinghisscent.He’sthesame,richmahogany,cleanandcitrusy,butthedampnessfromthesnowhe’sjustescapedfrommakeshimdifferenttoo.Earthyandfresh,likerainandpineneedles.
Isoakitallin,becausethetruthis,IfeelalittlebitmoremewhenI’mwiththisman.Heseespastallthebravado,seesboththeboldandthequiet,thegentlethatsimmersbelowthefierce,andinsteadofturningaway,hetakesmyhandandwalkswithme.
Whenwepressthesamewhisperedwordstoeachother’sbodies,somethingwarmlightsinsideme.
“Imissedyou.”CHAPTER20ITHINKWEBROKEADAMGARRETT
“Iwinagain.”Jenniegathersherchestnutwaves,pilingthemonherheadandsecuringthemwithavelvetscrunchiethecolorofchampagne.“Howyoufeeling?Tired?Angry?Emasculated?”Shewigglesherbrows,cheekygrininplace.“Wantmetoholdyouandtickleyourbackwhileyoucry,bigguy?”
“Shutup.”Ishovehertothecouchandturnoffthestupiddancingvideogame.“Youcheated.”
“Whateverhelpsyousleepatnight.”
Youknowwhat’snotgonnahelpmesleep?TheimageofJenniedancingaroundmylivingroominnothingbutapairoflacyredpantiesandmyT-shirt.No,thatimageisdefinitelygoingtokeepmeuptonight.
We’reridingtogethertotheNewYear’sEveparty—Carter’sidea;can’twaitforhimtoregretthatone—andJenniecamebyearlytohang.Sheshowedupatmydoorinthisshimmerymidnightbluedresspaintedoverherass,thenpromptlydiscardeditsowecouldhavedancebattles.Dancebattlesweredelayedbyothertypesofbattles,andIaccidentallyheldhertothewallbyherthroatwhileImadehercomeonmyfingers.Thethroatthingwasbecauseshealreadyhadhermakeupon,andshedidn’twannaruinit.
Iwannaruinallofher.
“Whatareyoudoing?”JennieasksasItearopenabagofsnacks.
“Eatingmyfeelings,”Imumble,tossingahandfulofFlamin’HotFunyunsinmymouth.They’recrunchyandspicy,burstingwithflavor,kindalikeJennie.EverythingIwantinasnack.
“Ew.Havefunmakingoutwithyourselftonight.”
“Nah.”Anotherhandful.“Gonnadwagyouofftadacloset,shubmatongueinyomouf.”
“You’reabsolutelynotcominganywherenearmetonight.”
Iswallow,wigglingmyredfingersather.“That’swhatyouthink.”
Jennie’sfacetwistswithdisgust,andshegagswhenIlickmyfingers.“That’sutterlydisgusting.Icansmellyourbreathfromhere.”
Ituckthebagawayandwashmyhands.“Youwannasmellitupcloseandpersonal?”
Shepinsherarmsoverherchestandcrossesheranklesonmycoffeetable,ignoringmeasIcreeptowardher.“Keepyourbreathawayfromme,Andersen,orelse.”
“Orelsewhat?”
“OrelseI’llkickyourass.”
“Creative.”Myfingerscircleherankles,spinningheronthecouchandopeningherlegssoIcancrawlbetweenthem.
“I’llkaratekickyourasssohardyou’llbeplayingtonsilhockeywithyourballs.”
Ibitebackmylaugh,straddlingherhipsandpinningherwristsoneithersideofherhead.“I’venevermetamoreviolentpersoninmylife.Luckyforme,I’velearnedmysizemeansIcanholdyoudown,andyouverymuchenjoymedoingso.”
Shewigglesherhips,liftingthemoffthecouch,smashingherpelvisagainstmineasshetriestokickmeoff.MygriponherwriststightensasIcoverherbodywithmine.
“Garrett,”shewarnslowly.She’sgotthewildeyesgoingon.Ilovethewildeyes.
“C’mon,Jennie.”Ipursemylips,makingsmoochingsounds.“Lemmekissyou.”
“Garrett!”Shrieksofgigglesfilltheairassherollsaroundbeneathme,tryingtoshakemeoff.Whenmyfingertipsdescendonherribcage,tickling,shestartswheezing,cryingasshelaughsandgaspsforbreathatthesametime,beggingmetostop.
WhenIthinkshe’sonthevergeofpassingoutornailingmeinthenuts,Ieaseuponthetickling.Circlingherwrists,Ipinthembesideherheadandchuckle,skimmingthelengthofhernosewiththetipofmine.Whenshe’sabletobreatheagain,Irolloffher,headingformybedroom.
“Whereareyougoing?”Jennieswipesatherhair.She’sgonnaneedtofixthatbeforeweshowuptoherbrother’shouse.
“Tobrushmyteeth.Iwannaspendmynightkissin’you.”Ihitherwithawink.“Secretkissin’,ofcourse.”Igripmyjunk.“Ilikegettingblowjobs.Can’tdothatifIlosemydicktonight.”
Jenniechucksapillowatmyface.“Gobrushyourteeth,youbrusselsprout.”
Anhourandahalflater,we’rerollinguptoCarterandOlivia’shouse,andI’vespenttheentiretwenty-minutedrivetryingtoslipmyhandunderJennie’sdress.
“Areyousureyoudon’twanttodrinktonight?”Sheslapsmyhandandstuffsitinthemiddleconsole.“WecantakeanUberhome.”
“Nah,I’mgood.”
“Well,ifyouchangeyour—”
“Iwon’t.I’mgonnafuckyourmouthlater,andsomethingaboutmebeingdrunkandyoubeingsoberwhileIdoitdoesn’tsitrightwithme.”
Jenniedoesn’tevenmissabeatasshestaresoutthewindow.“Whetheryou’redrunkorsoberisn’tgonnastopmefromsittingonyourfaceandcomingalloveryourtongue.”ShelooksmywaywithadazzlinggrinasIleavethecaridlingonthestreet,slackjawed,andshesqueezesmythigh,rightnexttomycock.“Ready,bigguy?”
***
Iwasn’tready.
IhadtohangbackandtuckmydickintothewaistbandofmyboxerswhileJenniewentonahead;I’daccidentallypitchedatentinmyjeans.
Nowit’stwohourslaterandshe’sbeenflirtingwithJaxonallnightlong,battingherstupidlashesathim,lickingherstupidlips,smirkingatmeoverhisstupidshoulder.Shementionedsomethingaboutmedecoratingherasswithmyhandprintlatertonight.Iguessthisisherwayofensuringit’llbefuckingpermanent.
“Watchingyoufallisadorablyhilarious.”
Itripovernothing,catchingmyselfonthewall.Mycherrysodawatersloshesandfizzes,coatingmyhand.“Fuck,Care.Whyareyoualwayssneakinguponme?”
Caragrins.“I’mvery,verysneaky.”
“Andannoying,”Igrumble,thencovermyshoulderwhenshepunchesit.“Ow!Whatwasthatfor?”
Hereyesslicesideways,landingonJennieandJaxon.J&J.JJ.J2.Thoseallsoundstupid.StupidJ’s.G&Jsoundswaybetter,ifIweretoputanytwototallyrandomlettersofthealphabettogether.
“Poorbaby.Didthegreen-eyedmonstergetyou?”
Ifrown.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Stopspeakingincodes.”
“Okay,Garrett.I’llstopspeakingincodes.”Shebacksmeagainstthewall,fieryeyesmakingmyneckclammy.She’stallandfierceandscary.“You’vebeenstaringatJennieallnight,andeverytimeJaxontouchesher,youlooklikeyou’reonthevergeofpoppingthisveinright—”shepokesmyneck,“—here.”
“Carterdoesn’tlikehimtalkingtoher.”Oooh,goodone.Quickthinking,Gare.
“Carter’snottheonlyone.”
Jaxonchoosesthismomenttosaunterover,tippinghisbeertohislips.“What’rewetalkingabout?”
“Ohhey,Jax.”Caragiveshisshoulderasqueeze.“Gare-Bearwastellingmehowhedoesn’tlikeyoutalkingtoJenniebecausehehasacrushonher.”
“Cara.”Iflingmyarmswide.Mydrinkfizzesagain,soakingmyleftsock.IlookbackatJaxon.“Ididn’tsayanyofthat.She’sbeinga…a…aCara.”Smooth.“She’sdrunk.”
Adamappearsoutofnowhere,swingingonearmaroundmyshoulders.“I’mdrunk.”Histoneisasproudashisbroadgrin.“There’sacutegirlhere.HernameisStacey.Samantha?”Hisbrowscrumple.“Maybeit’sSarah.Shelikeshockey,andIshowedherapictureofBear,andshesaidhewascute.ShouldIaskherout?”
“Oh,sweetie.”Carapatshischest.“No.No,youshouldn’t.”
Hefrowns.“Yeah,Ithoughtso.Newyear,samesingleme.”
“Man,evenI’mrootingforthatguytofindsomeone,”Jaxonmumblesasweslipaway,headingintothediningroomwhereagameofbeerponghasjustended.
“Garrett!”Carterbouncesapingpongballoffthewalnuttable.“Ineedapartner.”
“I’mnotdrinking.”
“They’renotdrinkingeither.”HegesturesacrossthetablewhereJennieandOliviaarefixingtheircups.“Gonnaplowthemintotheground,alcoholornoalcohol.”
Jennie’seyesmeetmine,browslifting,achallenge.“Andersendoesn’thaveitinhim.”
“Uh,LivandItooktheentiretournamentlastyear,”Ireply,high-fivingOliviaintheprocess.
“Youguyscheated,”Cartergrumbles.
Oliviasmilessweetly.“Youknowwhattheysay.Youhavetolearntolosebeforeyoucantrulyappreciatewinning.”
Hiseyesdarken.“Garrett!Getoverhere!”
Thethingaboutthosetwoistheybothhatelosing.Cartermightseemlikethetypeofguytolethiswifewintoshieldherfeelings,butheneverwillinglyloses.Soit’salwayshighlyentertainingtowatchhistinywifebeathimatnearlyeverything.
Includingthefirstbeerponggame,inwhichOliviaandJenniesinkallsixfuckingcupsinafuckingrow,andCarterdemandsarematch.
“Howisitevenpossible?”Imurmur.
“Idon’tfuckingknow,”Cartermutters.“Fuckinghorseshoesuptheirasses.”
“Nothingtodowithluck,bud,”Emmettchimesin,butmaybeluckisonoursidethistimearound.BecauseOliviamissesoneshot,Jennietwo.Carter’smorefocused,refusingtolookatOliviawhenit’shisshot,relentlesslytauntingherwhenit’shers,andI’masgoodasI’vealwaysbeen.
Withtwocupsleftoneachside,tensionsarehigh.Thegirlsareupfirst,andCararunsin,smackingboththeirasses.
“Iwanttoseethemcry,ladies.”
Jenniebouncesherballthreetimesthenbends,poisedattheedgeofthetable.
“Hey,Jen—ah!”Carterbends,clutchingatthetoesI’veaccidentallysteppedon.
“Whoops,”Isay.“Sorry’boutthat,bud.”
Withherbrotherdistracted,Jennieletstheballfly,sinkingitwithease,andpoorCarter’sgonnabesodrunkbytheendofthis.
He’sapparentlydecidedtotryhishandatanotherdistractiontacticforthislastround.WhenOliviastepsuptothetable,hedragshisshirtuphistorsoinslowmotion,onefingeronhislipashegiveshertheeyes.
“Likewhatyousee,princess?Wantmetotakeyouupstairsand—ah,forfuck’ssake!”
That,myfriends,isthesoundofOliviasinkingherlastshot,allwhilelookingherhusbanddeadintheeye.
“Hey,c’monnow.”IclapCarter’sbackashewhines.“We’vestillgotachance.We’vegotasmanycupsastheyhad.Wecandoit.”
Hegripstheedgeofthetable,swallowing.“Yougofirst.”
You’regoingdown,Jenniemouthstome.
Onewayoranother,Idefinitelyam.Downonher,ordowninthisgame.Eitherway,whenIeffortlesslysinkmyshot,IknowI’mnotatfaultforwhateverhappensnext.
Withashakyexhale,Carterstepsup.Herollshisshoulders,bendinghisneckleft,thenright.
“Anycup,Carter,”Itellhim,rubbinghisshoulders.“Anycup.”
It’sinthismoment,ashe’spoisedandreadytothrow,thatOliviamakeseyecontactwithEmmett,andhetipshischinjustslightly,aninstruction.
“Don’tlookather,”IgrowlatCarter.“Don’tyoufuckinglookather.”
Butdoeshelisten?No,ofcoursenot.Carterneverlistens.
Oliviatwistsaway,slowashell,bending,andCartersnortsalaugh.
“Don’teventryit,Olliegirl.I’mnotfallingfor…”
Iseeitallhappeninslowmotion.Thewatersloshingbetweenherlegs,coveringthefloorasshegasps,thecolordrainingfromCarter’sfaceasOliviacriesoutthatherwaterjustbroke.Hiseyeswidenwithfearastheballslipsfrombetweenhisfingers,bouncingonce,twice,threetimesonthewoodentablebeforeclatteringtotheground.Throughitall,Idon’tmissJenniesnickeringinthecorner.
“Ollie—”
“Ha!”Oliviatwirlsbacktous,faceshiningwitharrogance,andshecrushestheemptywaterbottlebetweenherhands.“Gotcha,sucker!Youmissed!”SheclapsJennie’shandbeforeEmmettembracesher.
“Itoldyouhe’dfallforit!”heshouts,andCartercurlsoverwithasnarl.
Ichuckapingpongballoffthetable.“IknewIshouldabeenOllie’spartneragainthisyear.Cartersucks.”
“Ithoughtmywifewasinlabor!Thisisn’tfair!It’scheating!Icallarematch!”
“Thatwastherematch,”Jennieremindshim.“Youkeeplosing.”
“I’mnotlosing!Ididn’tlose!I-I-I—”
“Youlost,”Caracutshimoff.“Twice.Andyoulostthreetimeslastyear.Yourwifecontinuouslybeatsyouatthisgame,andyetyoucontinuetohavehopethatthenextgamemightbeyours.It’sinspiring,Carter,butit’salsosad.”Shepatshischest.“Midnightisinfive.Wedon’thavetimeforyoutofindyourballs.”
Chaosensuesaseveryonepilesintothelivingroomandthekitchen,andthetemperatureinthehouseinstantlyspikes.Toomanypeople,toomanybodiescrammedontothemainlevelaseveryonestartspairingoffwiththeirrespectivepartners.AdamandJaxonaregatheredattheisland,liningupshotsforallthesingleguysandgirls.Therearesomanypeopleinthisspacethatit’shardtoseeanyoneotherthanthepersonstandingnexttoyou.
Forme,it’shardtoseeanyoneotherthanJennie,thewayshestandsattheedgeofthelivingroomlikeshe’sdamnwelltryingtodisappear,eyesmovinganxiouslyaroundthespace.Herglowingpersonalityhasbeenshovedaside,replacedwiththisshellofwhosheis,preferringtohideawaythanbepartoftheexcitement.
IslipthroughthekitchenandintothediningroombeforeIloopbackaroundtothedark,emptyhallway,rightbehindJennie.
MyfingertipsdancetheirwayaroundherwaistuntilIsplaymypalmoutonherbelly,andshegasps,jolting.
Mylipstouchherearasthecountdowndropstothefinalminute.“Comewithme.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”shewhispersasIusherherupthestairs.“WhatifCartersees?”
“Theonlythingthatexistsinyourbrother’sworldinthismomentishiswife.”Ipeekintoabedroom,thesameoneIfirsttastedJenniein.“Hewon’tnoticewe’regone.”
“I’mplayingamnesiaifyou’rewrong.”
Ipullherintothedarkroom,pressingheragainstthewall.“AndI’lljumpoutthewindowandyou’llneverseemeagain.”
Downstairs,peoplestartcountingbackwardfromtwenty.
MyhandcurvesaroundJennie’sneck,andmythumbsettlesoverthepulsepointhiddenbelowherwarmskin.Itthudsviolently,andIlovebeingthereasonshe’scomingbacktoliferightnow
Fifteen
“Yougonnaletmebeyourmidnightkiss?”
Ten
Herwildeyesjumpbetweenmine.“Maybe.”
Five
“NottheanswerI’mlookingfor.”
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
“Thenmaybeyoushouldjusttakewhatyouwant.”
Ourmouthsclashinafrenzy,fingersplowingthroughhair,hipsgrinding,tonguessweeping,allwhilethehouseeruptswithcheersandhollersbelow.
MyhandslipsupthebackofJennie’sdressandIgiveherassalightsmack.“BitemeonemoretimeandI’mgonnamakeyouscream.”
Herfingerscurlaroundmyhairasshekissesmedeeply,teethslidingalongmylowerlipbeforeshetugs.“I’dliketoseeyoutry.”
Iswingthebedroomdoorshutandshoveherintothebathroom,flickingonthelightasIlockusin.Hercheeksareflushed,rosylipsswollen,chestheavingasIstalktowardher.
“Takeoffyourpanties.”
“Gar—”
“Now.”
I’mplayingwithfire,butIcan’tfinditinmetocare.I’vehadtostareatherfromadistanceallnight,andallIwannadoistasteher.
Jennie’snotmovingfastenough,soIspinheraround,pushheragainstthewall,andwithoneswiftyank,herpantiesareballedupinmyfist.
Onehandwrapsaroundthebaseofherthroat,theotherdippingbetweenherlegs.“Guesswhathappenswhenyouscream?”
“Peoplehear,”shewhimpers.
“Peoplehear.Doyouwantpeopletohear?”
ShegaspsasIslidemyfingersthroughhersoakedwarmth.“No.”
“Thenyou’regonnahavetobeagoodgirlandstayquiet.”
Iswingherupintomyarmsbeforedepositingherassonthecountertop,bunchingherdressuparoundherhipsasIspreadherlegswide.Inthemirror,herpussyglistenswithneed,andmymouthwaters.
“You’regonnawatchyourselfcomeforme,andyou’regonnatrynottobeloudwhenyoudoit.”
Herwideeyesstareupatmewithwonderasmypalmssweepoverherthighs.WhenIopenmymouthonherneck,herlipspartwitharaspyinhalethatquicklyspiralsintoamoanthesecondIstrokeherclit.
Itsk,givemyheadasmallshake.“Notofftoagoodstart,sunshine.”
Herhipsbuck,eyespleadingwithmeasmytouchghostsoverher,almostgivingherwhatshewants,takingitawayatthelastsecond.
Mymouthtrailsthecolumnsofherthroat,alongherjaw,stoppingatherear.“Youwantmetofuckyouwithmyfingers?”
Jennie’sasighttobeseen,bareandopentome,vulnerableasshepeersupatme,headthrownbackovermyshoulder.Whenshenods,IrealizeI’verenderedherspeechlessforthefirsttimesinceI’veknownher.
Maybethat’swhyIputheroutofhermisery,keepingourgazeslockedasIsinkonefingerinsideher.Whenhermouthopensonamoan,Iclampmyfreehandoverit,drowningoutmynameasitleavesherlips.
Iplungeasecondfinger.“WhatdidIsay?”
Herhandsreachback,frantic,lookingforsomethingtograbholdof.Onegripsafistfulofmyshirt,theotherthecounter,andwhenIpumpharder,faster,hereyesrolltotheceilingasshewhimpersintomyhand.Mythumbfindsherclit,pressing,edging,drivingherwild.
“Iwantyouonyourkneeswhenwegethome,”Iwhisperinherear.Herwallsstartsqueezingaroundmyfingersasshethrashesinmyarms,toescurlingagainstthemirror.“AndIwanttoseehowfarbackyoucantakemycock.”
Jenniemoansloudlybehindmyhand,makingmesqueezeharder,andshestartsrippingatmyhandbetweenherlegs,tryingtopullitawayasherorgasmbarrelsdown.
Herbodytremblesandquakesasshegivesupthefight,headlollingbackwardasshescreamsmynameintomyhand,andwhenshefinallystills,comingdownfromherhigh,herblueeyesareglossyanddazed.
Icoverhermouthwithmine,coaxingitopenwithmytongue,andshesighsasshesinksintomyhold.
Twominuteslater,I’mtryingtofigureouthowtotellCarterheneedstosanitizethebathroominhissparebedroomwhileJenniegetsdressed.
“Gomakesurethecoastisclear,”shewhispers,producingacontainerofwipesfromthecabinet.“I’llcleanup.”
Icreepintothedarkbedroomandcrackthedoor.Lightandnoisefromdownstairsfilterin,butthehallwayisempty.
Itiptoebacktothebathroom,whereJenniewrapsherarmsaroundmyneck,pullingmeinforakiss.
“Firstorgasmofthenewyear.Solidsixouttaten,Andersen.”
“Getouttahere,sunshine.Irockyourworldnightafternight.”Linkingmypinkywithhers,Itowherintothebedroom.“Ichecked.Thecoastis—”
“Notclear,”Carafinishesforme,fromwhereshe’sstandinginthedoorwayofthebedroom.“Thosewerethewordsyouwerelookingfor,right,Garrett?”
Behindme,Jenniecowers,pressingherselfintomyback,herfacepeekingoutbeneathmyarm.BesideCara,Adam’sjawdangles.
“We-we-we…”Ohfuck.“We,uh…”Think,Garrett.Think!“Wesanitized.”
Adamclapsbothhandsoverhiseyes.“No,no,no,no.Ican’tknowaboutthis!”Hespins,dashingoffdownthehallway.Hedoesn’tmakeitfar,basedonthecrashwehear,thenthewayhisbrokenvoicecallsout,“Caraaa.”
“Yes,mysweetangel,”sheshoutsback,eyesonus.“I’mcoming!”
Hersmiledoesn’twaverashereyespierceours,oneredfingernailtappingonthedoorframe.MyentirelifeflashesbeforemyeyesasIcontemplateallthewaysCarterisgoingtohurtme,torturemeslowlywithouteveractuallykillingme,justsohecandoitallagain.
“Wearesogoingtotalkaboutthis,”shefinallysays,simply,likethisisn’tthelasttimeI’llhaveallmylimbs,andwiththat,sheturnsonherheelandleavesus.
***
“Soit’sover.”
“Over.”
Jennietakesmyhand,towingmeintotheelevator.“BecauseCarasaidshewouldn’ttell.”
Inod,pressingforthetwenty-firstfloor.“Shedid.”
“Becauseshethinksitwasaone-timething.”
“Shedoes.”
Jennie’sfootbounces.“Soweshouldn’tpushourluck.”
IfollowJennietoherdoor.“Definitelynot.”
Herhandtremblesasshejamsherkeyinthelock,andwhenshefinallygetsthedooropen,shestaresupatme.“Sowe’reinagreement?We’redone?”
“Done,”Iwhisper,leaningtowardher.
“Totallydone,”shemurmurs,liftingherchin.
Ibendmyneck.“Donelikedinner.”
Herbreathghostsovermylips,warmandsweet.“Stickaforkinme,I’mdone.”
Jennie’sbackhitsthewallwithathudaswecrashintoit,thedoorslammingbehindme.Ikickmyshoesoff,ditchmycoat,anddon’twaitforJennietotakeherheelsoffbeforeItearherdressoverherheadandhoistheruptome,windingherlegsaroundmywaist
“Notdone,”Igrowlagainstherneckaswepinballdownthehallway.“Notfuckingdone.”
***
“IthinkwebrokeAdam.”
“WedefinitelybrokeAdam.”
Jenniehandsmeaplateofcoldpizza.“Willhebeokay?”
IdevouranentireslicebeforeIanswer,mostlybecauseIneedtimetothink.“I’mhonestlynotsure.”Itriedtalkingtohimoutside,buthekeptputtinghishandsoverhisearsandsinging,I’mnotlistening,I’mnotlistening.Hewasprettydrunk.Imightbeabletopretendthiswasafigmentofhisimagination.
WhenI’mfinished,Isetmyplateonthebedsidetableandyawn.
“Areyouleaving?”Jennietakesmyhandinhers,tracingthelengthofmyfingers.“Couldyoustayawhilelonger?Wecouldcuddle.”
Aslowgrinspreadsupmyface.“Cuddle?”
Sheliftsashoulder.“Ifyouwant.”
“IfIwant,orifyouwant?”
“You.”Shegiggles,slappingmyhandawaywhenIreachforherwaist.
Icrawltowardher.“Youknow,you’returningouttobeahugesnugglebear.Whowouldathought?”
“Amnot.”
“Admitit,Jennie.”Iknockherdowntoherback,straddlingherhipsasIloomaboveher.“You’reacuddler.Youlikecuddlingwithme.”
“Nope.”
“C’mon,Jennie.”Inudgeherjawwithmynose.“Admitit.”
“Never.”
Forthesecondtimetoday,myfingersdescendonherribcage,andIwatchwithpleasureasJenniewrithesbelowme,shriekingandgigglinguntilshe’sbreathless.
Laughing,Ihughertome.“Ican’tbelieveIwaseversoscaredofyou.”
“Yes,clearlyIneedtogetmyfearfactorback.”Jenniesnugglesintomysideasthetipsofmyfingerscirclehershoulderblades,dancingdownherspine,overthebackofherwaist.“CanItellyousomething,Garrett?”
“Ofcourse.”
“Idon’tmakefriendsallthateasily.Ihaveahardtimetrustingpeople.I’velearnedtobeokaywithkeepingmycirclesmall,butyou…you’vemadeeverythingbetter.”Shesleepyblueeyesstareupatme,showingmethevulnerabilitythatlurksbeneaththem.“Ithinkyou’remybestfriend.”Shedropshergazetomychest,cheeksradiatingwithheat.“Itwouldreallyhurtmetoloseyou.”
Hookingafingerunderherchin,Iforcehergazetomine.Idon’tknowwhathappenedtomakefriendshipssochallengingandunattainableforher,tomakehertrustaprizedpossession,butthefearissorealforher,thefearthatI’lljustleave,thatshe’lllosethisall.
Isthatwhyshe’srefusingtoseewhat’srightinfrontofher,whatwemightbeabletohave?Becauseshe’dratherhavemeasafriendthannothingatall?
Ican’tpromiseherforever,notwhenIdon’tknowwhattomorrowholdsforus,notwhenshe’snotreadytogodowntheroadthattakesusfromfriendswithbenefitstosomethingmore.ButIcanpromiseheronething.
“Bestfriendsdon’tloseeachother,Jennie.I’llberighthere,always.Ipromiseyouthat.”CHAPTER21MYNAMEISGARRETTANDERSEN,ANDIHAVEAHOCKEYBUTTGARRETT
“Damn,Ilookgood.”Carterpivots,watchinghimselfinthemirror.Hetugsonthelapelsofhistailoredsuitjacket.“I’dfuckme.”
HehandshisphonetoEmmettbeforehepresseshispalmtothefloor-lengthmirror,stickshisbuttout,andlooksbackatusoverhisshoulder.“Takeapicture.GonnasendittoOllie.Letherknowwhatshe’sinstorefortonight.”
EmmettshovesastooltowardCarter.“Hikeyourlegup.”Hisheadbobsashesnapspictures.“Yeah,that’sgood.Ollie’lllikethat.”
Adamcrosseshisarms,watchingthemini-photoshoot.“Damn,thesepantsarereallygood.”HegesturesatCarter’sassinhisburgundysuit.“Doesn’tevenlooklikeyou’regonnasplit’emopen,Carter.I’mimpressed.”
Carterholdshisarmsoutanddropsdowntoasquat,bouncing.“It’sallthestretch.They’refantastic.Giveitatry.”
Wedo,allofus.Tobeclear,it’sourentireteam.Alltwenty-fiveofusarestandinghere,fullydeckedoutindesignersuitsspecificallytailoredtoathleteswithmuscularlowerhalves,droppingitlow.Wegetcalledinforatonofdifferentmarketingandcommercialshoots,butIthinkthismightbemynewfavorite.Ilookbombasfuck.
“Fuck.”Iplaceonehandonmythigh,theotheronmyleftasscheekasIlungeforward.“Theseareincredible.Socomfy.”Isinkintothestretch,feelingtheburninmygroin,groaning.Asadancer,Jennie’sincrediblyflexible.I’mnot.ShegetstheseideasandIgoalongwiththem,butifIcanbehonest,keepingupwithherishardsometimes.
Thephotographergiggles,snappingmyphoto.“Thisisgreat.”Herravenhairistiedbackinatightponythathangshalfwaydownherback.“Forgettheposedphotos;weshouldhavejustletyouguysgoforit.You’reallnaturals.”
WhenIsmile,shegrins.HernameisSusieandI’m99percentsureshe’sbeenflirtingwithmeforthelasthour,mostly’causemineistheonlysuitsheseemstothinkneedstoconstantlybeadjusted.She’scute,butIhaven’tsaidmorethanfivewordstoher;there’sasaucybrunetteoccupyingmostofthespaceinmybrain.
“Youpullyourgroin?”CarterasksasIstraightenandrubatthethrobbingspot.“How’dyoudothat?”
Thetipsofmyearsburn,thebackofmyneckgrowingdamp,especiallywhenAdam’seyesmeetmine.Hehasn’tsaidasinglewordtomeaboutNewYear’sEve.Isitpossibleheforgot,oramIjustdenseenoughtohopeso?
Carapromisednottotellanyone,butonlyonthecaveatitwasaone-timething.Shewasallforitbeingongoingbutsaidshewouldn’tbeabletokeephermouthshutifitwas.I’msurprisedshekeptherpromise.Emmett’sbeenfloatingaroundmeforthelastweekwithoutaclueintheworldI’vehadanyofmybodypartsinsideJennie.
“Islippedonice,”Ifinallyexplain,orlie,dependingonhowyoulookatit.“Yeah,Islipped,andmylegs,theywent,like—”Imakefinger-legswithmypointerandmiddlefingers,thensplitthem,becauseapparently,I’mundertheimpressionIslippedrequiresavisual,“—this.So…yeah.Hurts.”
“Jennie’sgotthisawesomemassagethingie,”Cartersays.“Icallitthethumper.Itbeatstheshitoutofyoursoremuscles.Youshouldborrowit.”
“I’lldefinitelydothat,yeah.I’llborrowherthumper.”WishIcouldstopmyheadfrombobbing.
“Gethertoshowyouhowtouseit.You’regonnabemoaningnonstop.”
Uh-huh.Definitely.
I’mstillsearchingforaresponsewhenAdamasks,“What’sthelineagain?”Hefixeshiscuffs,eyesmovingoverhimselfinthemirror.He’sdressedinallblackandlookssharpasfuck.
“MynameisJaxonRiley,andIhaveahockeybutt,”Jaxonanswers.
Adamclearshisthroat.“MynameisAdamLockwood,andIhaveahockeybutt.”
Isnort.“Addalittleflair,atleast.”
“Yeah,it’slikethis.”Carterrestshispalmonthemirroragain,lookingoverhisshoulder.“MynameisCarterBeckett,andIhaveahockeybutt.”
“It’smorelikethis.”Iclearmythroatandwigglemyshoulders,gettingintoposition,onehandontheknotofmytie,theotheronmyhip.“MynameisGarrettAndersen—”Ipeekovermyshoulder,“—andIhaveahockeybutt.”
Cartershovesmeoutofthewaywithhiship.“MynameisCarterBeckett,”hemurmurs,huskyandlow.Heswingshisheadoverhisshoulder,eyeshoodedashishipjuts,slidingonehandoverhisrightbuttcheek.“AndIhaveahockeybutt.”
Iflipupthetailofmysuitjacketandsquatlow,castingaheavy,heatedglareovermyshoulder.It’sthekindIreserveforluringJennietothebedroom.“MynameisGarrettAndersen…”Ibounceintomysquat,handmovinginacircleovermybuttcheek,andpumpmybrows.“AndIhaveahockeybutt.”
“Damn,”Cartermurmurs,headbobbingslowly.“Yeah.Yeah,that’sit.”
“Thisisgreat,”Susiesays,snappingphotoafterphotoofateamofhockeyplayersdroppingintosquats,poppingtheirhips,pattingtheirownasses.“Youguysaresofunandcandid.Weshouldgetacoupleofgroupshots,andthenthevideographerwillpullyouasideonebyone.”
Shestepsuptome,reachingformytie.
“Ismytielooseagain?”Ishovemyhandsinmypantpocketsasshestartsfiddlingwiththeknot.
Shegiggles.“Idon’tknowhowitkeepshappening.”
Meneither,becausetheonlypersonwhokeepstouchingitisher.
“Thissuitlooksreallygoodonyou.”
“Thanks.Ilikeit.It’ssupercomfy.”It’stheperformancestretch-tech.Taperedwaistsandlegs,butenoughspaceandstretchtoaccommodateourthickthighsand—youguessedit—hockeybutts.
“You’rereallytall.Howtallareyou?”
“Sixthree,”Ianswer,ignoringCarterandJaxon’ssnickers.
“Wow,”Susiemurmurswondrously.
IpointatAdam,tryingtodeflectherattention.She’ssweet,butI’mnottryingtogiveheranywrongideas.“He’ssix-five.”
Shebarelyspareshimaglance.“Yeah,he’ssobig.So,isyourgirlfriendtalltoo?”
“Um,I…”Iscratchmynose.“Idon’thaveagirlfriend.”It’snotalie,butitfeelslikeone.
Herfacebrightens.“Oh.”
“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”Carterasks,saunteringover,annoyinggrinonhisannoyingface.
Susieshakesherhead,grinningexpectantlyatme,andCarterswingsanarmaroundmyshoulders,jerkingmeintohisside.
“Well,isn’tthisfun.You’rebothsingle,andGarrett’slookingtogetintothedatinggame.Right,buddy?”
Well,fuckmesideways.Thisisn’tgood
***
Pregnantwomenarescary.
Jennie’sgot,like,halfafootonOlivia,andshe’sstilltryingtodisappearintothecouch,flinchingawayfromOlivia’sglare.
“Wouldyoustoplookingatmelikethat?”Jenniefinallyshoutsather.“Igetit,youdon’tliketheChristmasgiftIgotCarter!I’mnottryingtodietoday!”
OliviagesturesaggressivelytowhereCarterisstandinginthecenteroftheirlivingroomwithamicrophone,singingthewordsthatscrawlacrosstheirTV.“Twoweeks,Jennie!He’sbeensingingeverydayfortwoweeks!”
“Well,theywereonaroadtripforfive—”JennieclampshermouthshutatthemurderousexpressiononOlivia’sface.“Yeah,gotit.Twoweeks.Karaokemachinewasaterribleidea.”
JennieandCarashareawide-eyedlook,tryingnottolaugh,butwhenCarterturnsaroundandcapturesOlivia’shand,tugginghertoherfeetandspinningheraroundwhilehesings“KisstheGirl”fromTheLittleMermaid,theyburstwithlaughter.
“Okay,Jennie,”heheaveswhenthesongisdone,swipingatthesweatonhisbrow.“Youandme.Frozen?”
“Fuckyes!”Sheleapsfromthecouch,grabbingasecondmicrophone,andIdon’tknowwhatthefuckhashappenedtomylifethatI’matwenty-six-year-oldmanspendingararefreeFridaynightwatchingmyfriendssingDisneykaraoke.
AndyetIwouldn’tchangeathing.There’sjustsomethingaboutthewayJennielookssoutterlyfreeandatease,likeshefeelsinherelementherewiththesepeople,freetobeherself.
“Sometimes,”Oliviasighs,“it’sliketherearetwoofthem.”
Ipatherhand.“Andyou’reabouttoaddonemore.Sobraveofyou,Liv.”
“Ineedhelp.Somuchhelp.”
Ichuckle.“CanIgrabyousomething,littlemama?”She’ssnuggledintothecouch,managingtolookbothuncomfortableandcomfyashell.Herbabybellyiscute,butforsuchalittleperson,itsuretakesupalotofher,andI’mcertainshe’shurting.
“IwouldloveateaandmyOreos.CarterputthecookiesontopofthefridgewhereIcan’treach,andtheteabagsareinthepantry.”
AdamamblesovertomeinthekitchenwhileI’mgettingthekettleready,lookingawkwardashell,andalittlescaredtoo.
“Look,buddy,”hestartscautiously.“Iloveyou.”
“Loveyou,too,man.”
“Iwantyoutobehappy,”hetriesagain.
“Thanks,buddy.Appreciatethat.”Ipourthesteamingwaterovertheteabag,watchingasitchangescolors.“Iwantyoutobehappytoo.”
“Uh,right.Butinordertobehappy,youhaveto,uh…”Herunsananxioushandthroughhishair,eyesdartingaroundtheroombeforeheleanscloseandwhispers,“Stayalive.”
Iresisttheurgetolaugh,onlybecausehisconcernisgenuine,andalsobecausenotdyingispreferable.Truthfully,I’msurprisedittookhimthislongtobringup.Ibethe’sbeenstewingallweek.
Istealaquickglancearoundtheroom.Everyone’sbusy,andmostimportantly,Carter’sstillsinging.“Look,itwasonlytheonce.Itwon’thappenagain.”LyingtoAdamfeelsweird.Idon’tlikeit.
“Itshouldn’thavehappenedatall,”hewhisper-yells.“Youmadeamistake!”
Ithrowmyarmsout.“Imakemistakesallthetime,man!”Iplaceahandonmychesttocalmmyerraticbreathingbeforethisgetsanymoreheated.Plus,Cara’seyeingusfromthelivingroom.Idon’tneedherstickinghernosebackinhere.It’samiraclewegotitoutinthefirstplace.“Look,allwedidwasmakeout.”
“Yousaidyousanitized!”
“Ohc’mon,man!Wereyouevendrunk?Howdoyouremember?”
“Whywouldyouneedtosanitizeifallyoudidwaskiss?”
“Uh,becauseJ—she—she’sa…asloppykisser.Yeah,supersloppy.She’sgotthisdisorder,Iguess,whereshemakesextrasaliva.”Ishudder.“Superweird.”She’sgonnahavemyballsifthisgetsbacktoher.“Stillgood,though.”
Adamrollshiseyes.“Great,becauseIwasdefinitelywonderinghowsheratesonthetonsilhockeyscale.”Heleanscloser,accusingeyesfierce.“Whatwereyouevendoingintheupstairsbathroomalonewithhertobeginwith?”
“Allthebathroomswerefull.”
“Allthebathroomswerefullatexactlymidnightwhileeveryonewascelebratingtheballdrop?”
Ifoldmylipsintomymouth.“Mhmm.”
Adamshakeshishead.
“Well,whatwereyouandCaradoinggoingtotheupstairsbathroomtogether?”I’mdeflecting,notaccusing,buthestillslamshisfistagainstmyshoulderattheimplication.
“Becauseallthebathroomswerefullaftermidnightwhenwebothneededtogo,andCarasaidshedidn’twaitforanythingoranyone,youdipshit.”
Isnortalaugh,’causeIkindalikeseeingAdamriledup,name-callingandallthatjazz.
Hesighs,runninghisfingersthroughhisdarkhair,blueeyesexhausted.“Youpromiseitwasonlytheonce?Thatyou’redone?”
Iscratchthecornerofmymouth,mumbling,“Promise,”intomyhand,hopingAdamwillforgivemeoneday.
“Soyou’llcallthatgirlthen?”
“Girl?Whatgirl?”
“Thegirlfromtoday!Thephotographer!”
“Ohhh,right,right.Her.Yeah,I’mgonnacallher.”Alreadydeletedhernumber.
Susiewasfine.Shewascuteandsweetandveryfriendly.IfIwereavailable,maybeI’dtakeherout.ButI’mnotavailable.Idon’tthinkI’mavailable.Right?
Well,anyway,she’snotJennie,andthat’stheonlythingthatmatters.She’stheonlywomanIcan’ttakemyeyesoff.
WhenAdam’sfinallysatisfiedenough,shewandersintothekitchen.
Shetakesamugdown,andIfillitwithhotwater.Shedipsateabag.“Whatwasthatabout?”
“Justwantedtomakesurenothingwasgoingon.”
Jennieleansagainstthecounter,hidinghersmilebehindhermug.“PoorAdam.Ifeelbadlyingtosuchasweetman.”
“Me,too,especiallywhenhismainconcernisIstayalive.”
Jenniehums,nodding.“Valid.”
Ileannexttoher,andwhenourhandsbrush,Ilinkmypinkyaroundhers.“WasthekaraokemachineagiftforyouorforCarter?”
Jenniesnickers.“SowhatifIliketosingtoo.”
“Ithinkyouwereborntobeonstage.”
“Borntoshine,baby.”Thecurrentsongwanes,andJennieliftsbothbrowsatmeasshepullsherhandbackandstartswalkingtowardthelivingroomwithhertea.“Garrett’supnext!HewantstosingMoana!”
I’drathernot,butCarajumpsup,declaringshe’llsingwithme,andbeforeIknowit,I’vesunghalfthesoundtrackandJenniehasn’tstoppedlaughingtheentiretime.Ilovebeingthereasonbehindherlaugh.
WhenIfinallysitdown,breathlessandhungry,Carterburstsmyhappybubble.
“Garretthasadate.”
Myjawdangles,gazedartingtoJennie.“What?NoIdon’t.”
“Well,notyet.Hegotthephotographer’sphonenumberfromtheshoottoday.”
“She-she-she…shegaveittome!”
“Theywereflirtingtheentiretime,”Cartercontinues.“Theyweresointoeachother.”
“No,I-I-I…shewas,butIwas…Iwas…”Fuck.ThesecondmyeyesmeetJennie’s,sheavertshergaze,cheeksafuriousshadeofred.Cara’sowngazepinballsbetweenthetwoofus,aslygrincreepingupherface.Adamjustlooksfuckingexhausted,ordisappointed,maybeboth.
“Iwasn’tflirting,”Imumble,butthewordsarelostasCarterandEmmettburstintosong,duettingtoFrozen’s“DoYouWanttoBuildaSnowman,”andforthenexthour,allIdoisstealglancesatJennie.
Bythetimewe’reheadedbacktothecondo,I’mroyallyconfused.Shewon’tlookatme,andshebarelysaidawordtherestoftheevening.Everytimesomebodyaddressedher,sheaskedthemtorepeatthemselves.Itriedtotuckmypinkyaroundhersunderthekitchenislandwhenwewerealllineduptofillourplates,butshetwistedawayandactedlikeIwasn’tthere.ThemostI’vegottenoutofherwaswhenshehandedmethekeystoCarter’scarandaskedmetodrivehome,becausethesnowwasmakingheranxious.
“It’snicehowcloseyouandCarterare.Youcantelljustbywatchingyoutwo.”
Shekeepshergazetrainedoutthewindow.“Yeah,wealwayshavebeen.He’smybestfriend.”
“Andme,too,right?”Ipokeherthighandchuckleeagerly.Idon’tknowwhyI’mpokingher.EverythingisawkwardandallIwannadoistouchher,putmyhandonherknee,twinemyfingersthroughhers.“Jennie?”Iprod,pokingoncemore.
Shepeeksatme,givingmeaweaksmile.Idon’tthinkthat’sananswer.Ifitis,Idon’tlikeit.
“Well,you’remybestfriend.”BecauseIcan’tstoptalking.“So,toughcookies.”Toughcookies?Holyfuck,pleasestop.
Idriveforanotherthreeminutesinhorriblesilence,andwhenwestopataredlight,Icannolongerresisttheurgetokeepmyhandsoffher.Ilaymypalmfaceup,fingersspread,andwait.
Jenniewatchesmebutdoesn’ttakethebait,soIshakemyhand.
“C’mon,Jennie.Holdmyfuckinghand,please.Iwasn’tallowedtotouchyouallday,whichis,coincidentally,theonlythingIwasthinkingabout.”
Thecornerofhermouthquirks,andit’snotenough,butI’lltakeit.Sheslidesherpalmalongmine,andwhenourfingerstangleandsheclaspsmyhand,mynerveendingssizzle.IwonderifImakeherfeelwarmthesamewayshedoesme,likeamugofhotchocolateaftercominginfromthecold,orsteppingoutsideinthespringandfeelingthesunshineonyourfaceafteralongwinter.
Backatthecondo,weridetheelevatorinmoresilence,butshekeepsherhandtuckedsoftlyinmine.Whenwegettoherdoor,sheslipsinside,andthewayshestartsclosingitbeforeIcanfollowmakesmyheartthumptooquickly.She’supset,andIdon’twanthertobe.
Shegivesmeasmile,butIhateit.It’ssmallandsadandkindofshy,half-hiddenbythedoorshe’sgripping,barelypullinginherdimples.“Hey,I’mgonnaheadinalone.I’mprettytired.”
“Oh.Okay.Areyousure?Wecouldjustwatchamovieorsomething?Icantickleyourbackinbed.”
“Yeah,no,it’sokay.Justgonnagotosleep.”
“Okay.”Irubthebackofmyneck.“Um…goodnight,Iguess.”Ileanforward,andsheturnsherfacesominutelyIwouldn’tevennotice,exceptthatIgetthecornerofhermouthratherthanherlipswhenIkissher.
Andthatfuckingsucks.
Silencefloatsbetweenusaswestareateachother,makingmyskinitch.Idon’tknowwhat’shappeningbetweenus.IknowIdon’tfeelthesameaswhenthisstarted,whenallIwantedwasaninnocenttaste.Maybeit’smyfault,forbendingrules,givinghermorethansheeveraskedfor,themovies,thecuddling,thefuckingsweatpants.
ButIcan’treadher,andrightnow,whenmyownfeelingsarenewandconfusingandI’mnotsureoftheirdepth,Idon’tknowhowtoproceed,otherthanknowingIneedtotreadlightly.PatiencehasalwaysgottenmesofarwithJennie.IsitfarfetchedtohopealittlemorewilltakemewhereIwantitto?AllIknowisshescareseasy,andscaringheroffisthelastthingIwanttodo.
Jenniefiddleswiththetipofherbraid.“Ohhey,um,ifyou’regonnacallthatgirl—”
Knewit.She’sjealous.Doesthismeanshelikesme?Ithinkthismeansshelikesme
“I’mnotgonnacallthatgirl.”
“Well,ifyouchangeyourmind—”
“Ialreadydeletedhernumber.”
Jennieblinksonce,twice.“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Um,well.”Shewindsherbraidaroundherhand,tanglingherfingers,andhercheeksturnpinkasshetriestofreeherself.Ireachforwardandpullherhandfromherhair.Shepromptlystartspickingatimaginarylintonherhoodie.“Justrememberthatweshouldendthisbeforeyoustartseeingsomeoneelse,becauseIdon’twanttofeelstupid,orbeembarrassed,orwhatever.”
“I’mnotseeingsomeoneelse,Jennie,andwe’renotendingthis.Isthatall?”
“Iswhatall?”
“Youdon’twanttofeelstupid?”
Hernosewrinklesasshepullsherbottomlipintohermouthanddropshergazeagain.I’mnotsureI’llevergetusedtotheshybitsofherthatpeekouthereandthere,butI’mlearningthatIlikethemjustasmuchasherloud,confidentbits.Whethersheroarsorwhispers,she’sstillbeautiful,strong,anduniquelyperfecttome.
“Whatelsewoulditbe?”
Myeyesrolltotheceilingwithmysigh.Shelikestodothiseverynowandthen,answermyquestionwithoneofherown.It’showsheavoidsanyseriousconversationthatmightforceustoaddresswherethingsareheading,oratleastwhereIwantthemtohead.
Sowithadopeygrin,Iclaspafistfulofherhoodieandtug.Shecomestumblingintome,graspingmybicepstocatchherself,andIangleherfaceuptomine.
“You’refuckin’infuriatingsometimes,sunshine.Youknowthat,don’tyou?”
Thereitis,rightthereinthecorner,thehintofasmile.Herdimplesstartpullingin,andwhenherbeambloomsacrossherface,Iwannakissthemrightoffhercheeks.
“I’mnoone’ssunshine.”
“Fuck,Ilovewhenyou’rewrong.”Mymouthcovershers,coaxingitopen,andhertonguemeetsmineforaslow,sweepingkiss.“You’remysunshine.”CHAPTER22FUCK.JENNIE
“Thereservationsareforseven.”
“Andeveryone’scoming?”
“Everyone.It’sgonnabeamazing.I’vegotusonthelistatSapphireforafterward.”
“Sapphire?Howdidyoumakethathappen?”
Thetipofmypentapsincessantlyagainstthedesktop,andmyeyetwitchesasIdreamaboutshovingmyturquoise-blueBICrightthroughKrissy’seyesocket.
Isitextreme?Maybe.Isitnecessary?Alsomaybe.
Simontakestheweaponfrommyhand,replacingitwithaStarburst.Ican’tputaStarburstthroughKrissy’seye.Plus,it’sapinkone.I’mnotwastingthat.
“Havesomecandy.Youlooklikeyou’replottingamurder.”HeopenshislaptopandfucksaroundonYouTubeuntilhefindsoneofthosefunnydogvideosheknowsIlike.Hechecksit’smutedandflipsthescreentomebeforefocusinghisattentionbackonLeahatthefrontofthelecturehall.
I’mwoundtightrightnow.Krissy’ssittingdirectlyinfrontofme,talkingloudlyabouttheirFridayplans,puttingemphasisontheeveryonewho’scoming.
I’mnotpartoftheeveryone,andIdefinitelydon’tcare.It’snotlikethey’regoingtothebest,mostexclusivedanceclubinVancouver,andit’snotlikeIlovetodance.It’snotliketheentiregraduatingdanceclassisattending,andit’snotlikeIcarethatI’vebeensittingonthesidelinesalltheseyears.
I’vebeenanoutlierfromthebeginning,therichgirlwhodidn’thavetotrytogetacceptedtooneofthemostelitedanceschoolsinthenation,thescholarshipthatwashandedtome.
ExceptI’mnotrich,andIneverhavebeen.AndthatscholarshipIrodeinon?Iearnedeverycentofitbybustingmymetaphoricalballsforseventeenyears,whenallIate,slept,anddreamtaboutwasdance.
MyfatewassetthemomentCarterBeckett’slittlesisterstrolledinonthefirstdayoforientation,andlikeI’dlearnedtodo,Iacceptedit,choosinginsteadtosinkbackintotheshadows,tobemyownfriend.
I’mtired,butnowthefearofrejectionisalltoorealformetoeventry.
MyfriendshipwithGarretthasshownmethetypesofconnectionsI’vebeenmissingalltheseyears,andhassparkedadeepcravingformore.ComingtothisplacewhereI’mforcedtohideinsidemyselfisdraining.IwantthefreedomIfeelwithGarrett,theonethatletsmebeunapologeticallymyself,andIwanttoexperienceitalways,everywhereIgo.
Istheconnectionwesharethekindyoufindregularly?Isitthetypeofconnectionyoucreatewithallyourfriends?Oristhisconnectionuniquetohim?Tous?Isitfleetingandrare,thepowerfulkindthatallowsadeepandmeaningfulrelationshiptobloom?Thekindyougrabholdofandtellyourself,nomatterwhat,don’tyoudareletgo?
MymindseesGarrett,anditclaspsontohisface.
Thingshavebeenquieterwithhim,gentler.Likewe’rebothtreadinglightly,tiptoeingthatlinebutcarefulnottocrossit,afraideven.
It’sconfusing,daunting,andmaybeabitfrustrating.Doesthelineevenexistanymore?Idon’tknowwhereit’sdrawn,butIknowwhatsitsontheothersideofit,andthatmakesthingsallthemorefrightening.Becausewherethere’ssomethingbeautifultobefound,there’ssomethingbeautifultobelosttoo.
WhenIthoughtGarretthadadate,atsunamioffeelingsI’dbeenrefusingtoacknowledgerushedthroughme.Feelingsthathadbeensimmeringonthebackburnerforweeks,growingstrongerwitheverygoodmorningtext,everykisshello,everynightinonthecouch,watchingmovieswithmugsofhotchocolate,everyquiet,mundaneconversationinbedwherehisfingersdriftupanddownmyspinebeforeweeventuallysaygoodnight.
ThelogicalpartofmybrainexamineseachofGarrett’sactions,hiswords,everysmilehegracesmewith,thewayhisgazefloatsdownmyfacebeforehepresseshislipstomine.Thatpartconvincesmethere’ssomethingvibratingbetweenus,somethingstrongandtangible.SotangibleIcanfeelitevenwhenhe’snotrightnexttome.
Butthenthere’sthatweakpartofmybrain,orrather,myheart.Thepiecesthathavebeenshatteredandbruised,thosestill-jaggededges,theyremindmethatsometimesnoteverythingisasitseems.Thatsomepeoplearesogoodatconvincingyoutheycare,orworse,thattheyloveyou.
Myjudgmentmaybeflawed,buteverypartofmeknowsGarrett’snotthatperson.
Butthatdoesn’tmeanhefeelswhatIfeel.I’vebeenwrongbefore,andIdon’twanttobewrongaboutGarrett.Thatfeelsalotlikelosinghim,andhe’snotalossI’mwillingtorisk.
“That’sitfortoday.Haveagreatweekend,everyone.”
Leahbringsawelcomeendtomyspiralingthoughts,andchairsskidacrossthelinoleumfloorsaseverybodyrushesoutofthelecturehall.
SimonpacksuphislaptopwhileIwaitforKrissyandA2toleave.Ashlee—Ashleynumbertwo—smilesatme,waving.She’salwaysbeennice,quiet,andIdon’tunderstandwhyshehangsaroundwiththisgroup.Maybeshe’sasdesperateasIamtofitinsomewhere,anywhere.
Simontakesmyhand,helpingmetomyfeet.“WannabemydatetoSapphiretomorrownight?”
“Thanks,butI’mnotgoing.”
“What?Why?”
“Youknowexactlywhy.”
Simonsighs.“C’mon,Jennie.Comewithme.We’llhavefun.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.Iwasn’tinvited.”I’mneverinvited.“Sapphiresucksanyway.”It’samazing,impossibletogetintounlessyouhavearichconnection,like,forexample,aprofessionalhockeyplayerforabrother.
Goingtoadanceclubwithyouroverprotectiveolderbrotherisnotfun,bytheway.CarterconnedhisfriendsintoformingabarricadearoundusgirlsthatmadetheGreatWallofChinalooklikeawhitepicketfence.Istompedoffthedancefloortwominuteslater,andCartermadeituptomewithachocolatebananamilkshaketoppedwithcrumbledOreosonthewayhome.
“Krissy!”Simoncalls,cuppinghishandsaroundhismouth.“Jenniecancometomorrow,can’tshe?”
Hermouthquirksasshelooksmeover.“Ididn’tknowyoulikedtodance,Jennie.”
Ibitemytonguetokeepfromcallingheragianttwat,becauseI’mafuckingdancemajor,thesameassheis.“Youknow,forfun,”sheadds.“Ofcourseyoucancome.”
Simon’sasoblivioustoherattitudeashealwaysis,ormaybehejustdoesn’tgivetwoshits.Hebarelysparesherthetimeofdayanymore,andsometimesIthinkthat’swhatbothersKrissymostaboutme.Igettheattentionshewishesshehad.
Hepopsaloudsmoochonmycheek.“See?Toldyayoucouldcome.”Hestartsjoggingaway.“I’lltextyoutomorrowbeforeIpickyouup.”
Krissy’stightsmilelingersonme.“Iwasjustsayingtothegirls,Idon’tknowwhyyounevercomeoutfordrinkswithus.”
I’mabouttoremindherthey’veneveronceinvitedme,butAshleynumberonebeatsmetoaresponse.
“Jenniedoesn’tdrink.”
“What?Youdon’t?”
Ishakemyhead.
Krissy’snosewrinkles.“Ew.Why?”
Mychinjuts,becausehertoneispissingmeoff.“Idon’tneedalcoholtohaveorbefun.”Whiletrue,it’snotmyreason.ButIdon’tneedtoexplainmyselftoanyone.
Sheshrugs.“Guesswe’llseeyouonMondaythen,”shetossesoverhershoulderasthethreeofthemwalkaway,leavingmestandinghere,wonderingwhybeingsobermeansI’vesuddenlybeenuninvited.
Krissypauses,andIhatehowmybodybuzzes,eager,hopefulforinclusion,whenshecallsmyname.
“Yeah?”Mygriptightensaroundthestrapofmybag,waiting.
“Weheardyou’vebeenrecommendedforthejobinToronto.Iwon’tbeatallsurprisedifyougetit.”
Myfacebeamswithpride,tensioninmychesteasing,shouldersdropping.“Thankyou.I’mreallyexcitedabouttheopportunity.”
“Apparentlytalentisn’ttheirprioritythisround,whichiswhyI’mnotgoingtobotherapplying.Iheardthey’relookingforsomeonewillingtofollowblindlylikeasheep.ItmakessenseLeahthoughtofherfavoritestudent.Theyknowyouwon’tstiranydirtupthere.You’reso…”Hergazedriftsdown,thenbackup.“Vanilla.”
Iopenmymouthtotellhertogofuckingfuckherself,butinstead,mychintrembles.Myteethquicklydescend,bitingintomylip,tryingtostillthequiverbeforeshecanderiveanypleasurefromseeingit,fromknowingshe’ssucceededinhurtingme.
Idon’tknowwhatI’vedonetomakeherdislikemesostronglyovertheyears,notwhenI’veworkedsohardtostayinmyownlane.
Butstayinginmyownlanedoesn’tmakemevanilla.FollowingtherulesbecauseIseenoneedtobreakthemdoesn’tmakemeboring.
Doesit?
“I’magooddancer,andI’veworkedmyassoff,”finallyleavesmymouth.“Ialwaysworkmyassoff.”
“Oh,ofcourse.”
“Ideservetobeconsidered.”
Krissygivesmeacondescendingpatontheshoulder.“Ididn’tmeananythingbadbyit.There’snothingwrongwithbeingpredictable.”
“It’scalledbeingreliable.”
“Anditcertainlydoesn’thurtthatyourbrotherisCarterBeckett.I’msurethatplaysintothis.Thinkoftheextrapublicity,thedonations…Theyhavesomuchtogainbyhavinghislittlesisterteachthere.”
Myfistsclench,nailsbitingintomypalms.“Mybrotherhasnothingtodowiththis.”
Krissygesturesforherfriendstofollowher.“Anyway,Jennie.We’llseeyouonMonday.”
Ashleelingers,givingmeasmallwavepairedwithasympatheticsmile.“Haveagoodweekend,Jennie.”
Iwatchtheirretreatingforms,demandingmybraintodropit,tonotletitgettome.Butthenthesoundofheelsclickinginthehallwayechoesinmyears,matchingthepoundingofmypulse,andmythroatfeelsthickandtightwhenItrytoswallow.
“Jennie!Thereyouare.How’smyfavoritestudent?Iwantedtoaskyouhowyou’refeelingaboutthejob,withgraduationgettingcloser.”
Myeyesshift,barelymeetingLeah’s.Thelinesinherfacesoften,herbrowneyesfullofcompassionasshestepsintome,claspingmyelbow.
“Hey,areyouokay?Wannagogrababite?”
IsthiswhatKrissywastalkingabout?AsidefromSimon,myteacherismyonlyfriendatschool,theonlyotherpersonwhoinvitesmetositwithherinthecafeteria,whojustfucking…talkstome.
No,Itellmyself,squeezingmyeyesshutandshakingmyhead.Don’tlethermakeyoudoubtyourself.Don’tfuckinglether,Jennie.
“Jennie,”Leahurgessoftly.“What’sgoingon?Let’sgrabacoffeeandsitdown.”
“I…”Ifeellikeanidiot.Ifeelalone.Ifeelso…vanilla.Idon’tfitinwiththerestofthem,andwhileI’vealwaysknownthat,todayitfeelsheavieranddarkerthaniteverhas.Isthereanythingspecialaboutme?
“Ihavetogo,”Ifinallymumble,peelingLeah’shandoff.
Shecallsafterme,butI’malreadyoutthedoor,steppingintotheblusteryafternoon.Thedampwindslapsatmycheeks,makingmyskinsting.Itwasmildthismorning,rainy,butthetemperatureshavetakenasharpdiveandtherainhasturnedtosnow.It’sthatthick,heavykind,sleetthatmakeseverystepanicyhazardasitcoatstheground.
Isliptwiceonmywaytothecar,barelycatchingmyselfbeforeIfaceplant.Iwhipthedooropenandshovemycoatandbaginthebackseatbeforeclimbingin.ThesnowfallsheavierthelongerIsithere,grippingthesteeringwheel,tellingmyselfthesepeoplearen’tworthmytears,butthatdoesn’tstopthemfrompricklingmyeyes.BythetimeI’mcreepingoutoftheparkinglot,theblowingsnowandmyfloodedvisionmakeitnearlyimpossibletosee.
MyheartslamsagainstmyribcageandmypulsethundersinmyearsasIapproachafour-waystopsign,andwhenItaponthebrake,thecarskidsforward.
Andforward.
Thecargoingthroughtheintersectionblaresitshorn.
EverymuscleinmybodytensesandmyknucklesturnwhiteasIgrinddownonthebrakeashardasIcanandswingthewheel.Mytearsfinallyspillatthecrunchingofmetal.CHAPTER23INDIANABONESTOTHERESCUEGARRETT
“Youcallthatgirlyet?”
Mythumbspauseonmygamecontrollerandmyheartskipsabeat.“Huh?”
Emmettlooksatme.“Thephotographer?TheoneCarterhookedyouupwith.”
“You’rewelcome,”Cartermumblesaroundacarrotstick.ApparentlyOlivia’sonahealthkickbecauseshe’sgettingdownonthewayherbody’schangingthelatershegetsinherpregnancy.She’sbannedcookiesfromtheirhouse,andCarter’stryingtobesupportivebynoteatingthem.We’reatEmmett’s,andOlivia’snothere,soI’mimpressedhe’sstickingwithit.
“Uh,no,”Ifinallyanswer,hopingweleaveitatthat.
“Whynot?”Carterasks.“Sheseemednice.”
“Yeah,Garrett,”Carachimesfromthekitchen.“Whynot?”
“Uh,Idonno.”Irubthebackofmyneck.I’mtiredofdoingthis,dodgingquestionsaboutmyrelationshipstatus,orwhyIkeepgoingbacktomyhotelroomearlyandalone.“Idon’tthinkwe’dbeagoodmatch.”
“Howdoyouknow?”Emmettasks.“Maybeyou’dreallygetalongifyougaveitachance.”
“Ijustwasn’tfeelingher.”IkeepmyeyesontheTVscreenasmyplayernabsthepuckthenbarrelsdowntheice.
“You’reneverfeelinganyonelately,”Emmettpointsout.“Idon’tthinkI’veseenyouentertainanyoneforthelasttwomonths.”
“Yeah,whatgives?”Carterasks.
“HowcomenobodyasksAdamthesequestions?”Igrumble.
“Adam’snothererightnow,”Emmettremindsme.“Andhe’sstillsortingthroughhisshit.Anddon’teventhinkaboutbringingupJaxon.Thatguy’sgotthreegirlsinhislaponanygivennight.”
“Well,maybeI’msortingthroughsomeshittoo.”
“Whatshit?”
Sighing,Itossmycontrollertothecoffeetable.ThewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeIcanstopthem.“Look,I’mseeingsomeone.”Cara’sinfuriating,shit-eatinggrincomesintoview,andIdropmygazelikeit’sonfire.“Kinda,orwhatever.It’scomplicated.”
Carterdunksacarrotstickinabowlofbluecheesedip.“Complicatedhow?”
“Idon’tthinkshe’sreadyforarelationship.Abitoftrustissues.”Notalie.
Hechompsaway,mumbling,“Needwelation-sipa-bice?”
“Relationshipadvice?Fromyou?Absolutelynot.”
“Whynot?I’mgreatatrelationships.”
Isnortalaugh.“You’vebeeninone.”
“Yeah,andI’mmarriedtoher,’causeIfuckingnaileditthefirsttimearound.”
Rollingmyeyes,Ifishmyvibratingphoneoutofmypocket.Asinglesunshinelightsmyscreen,andIhitDeclineasIstandandstretch.“I’mgonnagetgoing.”
“Ifyouchangeyourmind,youknowwheretoreachme.”
I’mtypingoutatexttoJenniewhilecarryingmyglasstothekitchenwhenshecallsagain.
“Sunshine,”Caramurmursovermyshoulder,makingmejump.“Who’ssunshineandwhyisshecallingyou?”
“JesusChrist,Care.Alittleprivacy?”
“I’veneverbeengoodatthat,”shemuses,watchingmeloadmyglassintoherdishwasher.“Seeingsomeone,huh?”
“It’snotwhatyouthink.”
Hersmileisslowandscary,butshe’salmostalwaysscary.“AndwhatdoIthink,Garrett?”
“Uh…”Isthisatrap?“Nothing?”
Shetakesastepcloser,thenanother,untilI’mpressedagainstthecounter,thewordhelp!onthetipofmytongue.
“Ithinkyouandsunshineliedtomewhenyousaiditwasaone-timething.Ithinkyou’vebeenfoolingaroundforawhile,maybesinceshemovedintoyourbuilding.Quiteballsyofyou,Andersen.Ididn’tthinkyouhaditinyou,Carter’sbabysisterandall.”
“Shutup,”Iseethe,gazebouncingtothelivingroomwhereCarter’sstillpreoccupiedwithhisvideogame.
“YouknowwhatelseIthink?”Shewindsthestringsofmyhoodiearoundherfists,yankingmecloser.“Ithinkyouhavefeelingsforhernow,andIbetthat’ssomethingyoudidn’tplanfor.”
Myphonebuzzesagainstmychest,andwhenIpullitaway,there’sthatdamnsunshineagain.
“Youbettergetouttahere.Sunshine’scalling.”
I’veneverbustedmyasssofasttogetoutsideinthecoldandallthesnow,togetawayfromCara.IstartbackingoutofthedrivewayandconnectmyphonetomyspeakerstocallJennie.
“Garrett,”herstrangledvoicecriesassoonasthecallconnects.“Ineedyou.”
***
“Fuck.”
“He’sgonnakillme.”
“Imean…”Islipmyfingersupmytoque,scratchingatmyhead.“It’snotthatbad.Themostimportantthingisyou’reokay.”
IdragmygazeoverJennieforatleastthetenthtimeinthelastthreeminutes.Myhandshaveroamedeveryinchofher,checkingfordamage.Theycameupempty,otherthanthekinkinherneckandthefingergougesontheinsidesofherpalm.Butit’sthebrokenlookinhereyesthatsaysthere’sdamageIcan’tsee,damagethatcan’tbefixedwithbandages.
“Garrett,”Jenniecries,gesturingatthefrontbumperofCarter’sBenz.“It’sawful!Lookatthatdent!”
“Tellmeagainwhathappened.”
“ItwassnowyandicyandI-I-Iwashavingtroubleseeing.”Sheswipesthecuffsofhersweateracrosshereyes,theskinaroundthemredandraw.“IcameuptoastopsignandItriedtobrakebutthetiresjustkeptspinning,andsomeonewasgoingthroughtheintersectionandIthoughtIwasgoingtohitthem,andthensomehow,atthelastsecond,thewheelsturned,andIwentuponthecurbandhitthestopsign.”
Ishakemyhead,sighing.“Iwishyou’dcalledmetocomegetyou.Youcould’vebeenhurt,Jennie,orworse.It’snotworthdrivingwhenyou’reupsetandanxiousandtheweather’sbad.”
Herlowerliptrembles,handswringingatherstomach.
Palmingthebackofherhead,Ihaulherforwardandkissherforehead.“I’msorry.Iwasjustworried.I’mgladyou’resafe.”
Worrieddoesn’tbegintodescribehowIwasfeelingtwentyminutesago.Iflewhome,blowingthroughtwostopsignsatemptyintersections,andwhenIfoundhercryingonthecurbintheparkinggarage,Inearlysuffocatedherinmychokinghold.HerfeetleftthegroundandIdidn’tputherdownuntilshestartedpummelingherfistsagainstmyshoulders.
Sheavertshereyes.“Idon’twanttodriveanymore,notinthesnow.”
“Andyoudon’thaveto.I’llpickyouupwheneverI’mintown.”
Hergazefloatsbackup,wideeyesgratefulbutcautious.“You’ddothat?”
“Ofcourse.Nowtherealquestionis…”Icrouchdown,inspectingthedentinthebumper.“Whatarewegonnadoaboutthis?”Irubthepadofmythumbacrossmylowerlip,andwhenanideapopsintomyhead,Idon’tknowifI’mageniusorderanged.“GogetIndianaBones.”
“What?”
“IndianaBones,”Irepeat,pressingonthedent.Itflexesandbounces,andI’mhopefulenoughtothinkthisjustmightwork.“Gogethim.”
“Garrett.Youcannotbeseriousrightnow.”
“Oh,butIam.”
“Garrett!”
“Jennie.Go.Get.Him.”
Withaface-scrunchingglareandherfistsballedathersides,shestompsofftowardtheelevator.
Shereturnsafewminuteslater,huggingherbackpacktoherchest,eyesbouncingwildlyaroundthegarage.“Gothim,”shewhispers.“Arewe…um…”Shethumbsatmycar.“Inthere?”
Mygrinspreadsslowly,andwhenit’satmegawattlevels,Ifailatcontainingmylaughter.Jenniefrowns,andItearherbackpackaway,dippingmyhandinside,findingthegirthyfucker.
Man,thisthingisfuckingmassive.Thick.Veiny.Firm,butwithjusttherightamountofflop.Thisthingcoulddosomedamage.Igiveitajigglerighthereintheparkinggarage,andJenniegasps,dartingforward,smashingitbetweenuswhenshewrapsherarmsaroundmeandslamsherchestagainstmine.
Shegrowlsatmysnickering.“Stoplaughing.”
“IjustrealizedhowluckyIamtostillhavebotheyes.”
“OhmyGod.Ihateyou.”IndianaBonesstartsbuzzing,vibratingbetweenus,andJennie’slidsflutterclosedasshebreathesdeeplythroughhernose.
“Wereyouabouttoletmefuckyouwiththisinthebackseatofmycar?”
“What?”Sheshovesawayfromme,nabshermonsterdildo,turnsoffthepower,andslapshimagainstmyshoulder.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Uh-huh.”
Shewindsherbraidaroundherfist.“Sowhatareyou…”HermouthpopsopenwhenIsinktotheground,andwhenIslapthesuctioncupbasetothedentedsteel,shegasps.“Garrett!”
Ichuckleatthewaytherubbercockhangsthere,bobbing,andIflickthehead.Thesuctiononthisthingismightyasfuck,whichmakessensegiventhesizeandweightofit.Iwrapmyfingersarounditandplacemyfootagainstthebumper,gazelockingwithJennie.Withasmile,IgiveIndianaBonesaswifttug.
Itopplebackward,andthedickcomeswithme,smackingmeinthechin.Jennie’ssquealsechooffthewalls,andamomentlatershe’sontopofme.
“Youdidit,”shewails,pepperingmyfaceinkisses.“Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou!Iloveyou,Garrett!”Sherollsoffme,fingersflutteringoverthebumperbeforesheflingsherselfatthecar,huggingthehood.
I’mkindastuckonthosethreewordsshejustsaid,pairedwithmyname,butinsteadofcirclingbackaroundtothem,Istandandtuckherdildoinherbackpack.“Therearesomechipsinthepaint,butIhaveaguywhocanfixthatforyou.I’llcallhimtomorrow.”
Jenniesitsinsilence,staringatherbrother’scar.Finally,hereyeslifttomine,andthesightofthemmakesmyheartheavy.They’refoggyblueswimmingpools,brimmingwithtears,andwhensheblinks,theyslidedownherrosycheeks.“Thankyouforhelpingme,Garrett.”
Takingherhandsinmine,Ipullhertoherfeet,thenintomyarms.Sheburiesherfaceinmychestandmyfingerssinkintoherhair,tanglinginherbraid.
“Whathappened,Jennie?”
“Itoldyou.Thecar—”
“Notthecar.”Iinchback,hookingafingerbeneathherchin.“Whathappenedatschooltoday?Whatmadeyousoupset?”
Hereyescloudover,riddledwithconfusion,anger,heartbreak.AllIwanthertodoistellmehowIcanfixit.
“DoyouthinkI’mgoodenoughtoteachatTheNationalBallet?OrdoyouthinkIgotofferedthejobbecauseofCarter?Becausemybrother’sfamous?Doyouthink…amIboring?AmItoovanilla?I—”
“Hey.”Icupherface,keepinghergazesteadyonmine.“Stopspiraling.Carterhasnothingtodowithyourjoboffer.Iknowfuckallaboutdance,butIknowyourockedthatstageonChristmasEve.Mydadgaveyouastandingovationinourlivingroom,andnowallthreeofmysisterswanttobedancers.Andfuckingvanilla,Jennie?JesusChrist,you’reredfuckingvelvet.”
Herbottomlipwobbles,andhernextwhisperbreaksmyheart.“Thenhowcomenobodywantstobemyfriend?Nobodyisinterestedingettingtoknowme.I’veneverevenbeenonaproperdate.Ican’trememberthelasttimeIwenttothemovieswithanyoneotherthanmymom.”
Ihaven’tevenprocessedmyideabeforemyfingersaremoving,andwhenIputmyphonetomyear,Jennie’sbrowspulltogether.
“Well,well,well,”Carterhumswhenheanswersmycall.“Lookwhocamecrawlingbackforrelationshipadvice.”
“ThelastthingIneedisyourversionofrelationshipadvice,Carter.”Jennie’seyeswiden,andIkeepheratbaywithmypalmonherchestwhenshetriestoripmyphoneaway.“Hey,listen.Iranintoyoursisterintheparkinggarage.She’shadabitofashitday,andIthinkshecoulduseadistraction.MindifItakeherout?”
I’mmetwithsilence,andamomentlater,thecalldisconnects.IthinkIjustfuckedmyself,butthenJennie’spullingherringingphoneoutofherpocketasherfacedrainsofcolor.
“Hi,Carter.”Shepressesherhandtoherforeheadandtwistsaway,voicelow.“I’mfine.Justtheusualmeangirlbullshit.”Shekicksatthecurb.“No,Idon’tneedyoutocomegetme…Carter,Idon’tneedyoutobabysitmeeverytimesomething—no,Iknow.”Shesighs.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Shetucksherphoneaway,andsecondslaterminebuzzes.
Carter:thx4lookingout4her.
“Whatthehellwasthat?”Jennieasks,armswide.
“C’mon,sunshine.I’mtakingyouonadate.”CHAPTER24WEMIGHTNEEDSUPERGLUEFORTHISONEGARRETT
IneverexpectednailingadatewithJennieBeckettwithherbrother’spermissionwouldbesoeasy.
Okay,thatmightbeastretch.Idon’tthinkCarterreallyunderstoodwhathewasagreeingto.Still,I’moutinpublicwithJennie,alone,andI’mallowedtobe.
I’malive,andCarterhasnoplanstokillme
IwishI’dhadmoretimetoplan,toreallyrockourfirstdateandconvinceherweshoulddoitagain.JudgingbytheglowofwonderonJennie’sfacewhileshetakesintheatmosphereatUdupiPalace,myfavoriteIndianrestaurant,I’dguessshe’senjoyingherselfregardless.
Ican’ttakemyeyesoffher,watchinghershouldersdropwitheachpassingmoment,hersmallsmileturningtohappy,nose-scrunchinggiggles,hereyesrollingasshehumswitheachbiteoffood.She’sakidinacandyshop,andbythetimeI’mtuggingheroutthedoor,it’slikeherentiredayneverhappened.
“Bye,Rudra!”shecallstoourserver,waving.Sheplacesonehandonherbelly.“Itwassogood!”
“Seeyousoon,MissJennie!”
“Youhearthat?Seeyousoon?”Shepokesmeasweheadtomycar.“Youhavetotakemeback.Rudrasaidso.”
Iopenthedoorforher.“Isthatwhathesaid?”
“Uh-huh.”Shegrins,pressinguponhertoes,andIbendmyneck.“Oops,”shewhispers,pausinghalfway.“Forgot.Nokissinginpublic.”Shetucksherselfintothefrontseat,andherglitteringeyestellsmeshe’sfindingimmensepleasureinhowdifficultthisisforme.“C’mon,Gare-Bear.Placestobe.”
Rulesfuckingsuck.Notkissingherishard,butthehardestpartisnotholdingherhand.
ItonlygetsharderasweridethroughStanleyParkontheopen-airtrain,cruisingthroughthetraillitwithtwinklinglights.AllIwannadoispullherintomyside,feelthewarmthofherbodyspreadingtomine.
“Goodcallonwearingmywarmcoat,Gare-Bear.”
“Toldyouyourprettycoatwouldn’tdo.”
“Soyou’resayingthisone’snotpretty?”
“I—what?”Inudgeherside.“I’mnotwalkingintoyourtrap,Beckett.”
Jenniechucklessoftly,shiftingcloser,restingherarmagainstmine.“IwishIhadamugofyourhotchocolate.Youmakethebestkind.”
“Halfabagofmini-marshmallowsandacouplemouthfulsofthehotstuff?”
“Yeah.”Hersighiswistfulasshestaresoutatthetrees,thelights,thestarsthatdanceaboveus.“Thankyou,Garrett.ThisisthebestdateI’veeverbeenon.”
Ihuffalaugh.“It’stheonlyoneyou’veeverbeenon.”
“Yeah,thecompetitionisnonexistent.”SheslipshermittoffandcarefullyhooksherpinkyaroundminebeforeturninghergazebackoutonthewaythisVancouvernightglows.Thenshemurmurs,“Ithinkit’dstillbethebest.”
***
“Canwegetpopcorn,Garrett?”
“Wecangetpopcorn,Jennie.”
“Canwegetextrabutteronthepopcorn?”
“Wecangetextrabutteronthepopcorn.”
Jenniespinsaround,eyessparkling.“WhataboutSkittles?Ilikethetropicalkind.Doyouwanttoshareadrink?Mayberootbeer?Ihaven’thaditinyears.”
Ichuckle,makingamentalnotetoplanmoremoviedatesinthefuture.Herhappinessiscontagious,andallIwanttodoisfeedit.
Myphonebuzzes,andIpullitoutofmypocket.
“Isthatmybrotheragain?”
“Yup.”It’sthefourthtimehe’stextedtonight,andthequestionisthesameeverytime.
Carter:whatrudoingnow?
IfIdon’trespondwithinthefirstminute,hesendsmeexactlysevenquestionmarks,soI’velearnedtobequick.Ithelps,becauseifI’mreplyingtohistexts,itmeansmyhandsaren’tanywherethey’renotsupposedtobe.
Loadedupwithsnacks,wehikeupthestairsofthetheater,findingtwoprivateseatsofftotheside,rightnexttotheaisle.
We’rehalfwaythroughthepopcornbeforethetrailersareevenfinished,andJennieconvenientlymissesthebagonhernextgrab,grazingmydick.
“Oops.”Shesnickers.“Didn’tseeyouthere,bigguy.”
“Keepitupandwewon’tevenmakeitoutoftheparkinglotbeforeIndianaBonesisraidingyourtemple,sunshine,”Imumble,stuffingahandfulofpopcorninmymouth.“I’llhaveyousprawledoutovertheleatherwhileyouscreamforme.”
Besideme,Jenniestiffens,andI’mabouttoapologizeifI’vetakenittoofar,buthereyesaregluedtoagroupofguysheadingupthestairs.Herhandleavesmythigh,grippingthearmrestbetweenus,andherchestliftsandfallsrapidly.
Inudgehershoulderwithmine.“Youokay?”
Sheswallowsasthemenclimbcloser.“Iwanttogohome.”
“What?”
Oneoftheguyslooksourway,aslowsmilespreadingashespinshisbackwardhattothefront.
Jennieturnsquickly,knockingthepopcornoffmylap.“Shit.Shit.”
“Hey,what’sgoing—”
“Garrett,please.”Hereyesmeetmine,frantic,pleading.“Iwanttogohome.”
“JenniefuckingBeckett.”ThedouchefuckwearingtheTorontoMapleLeafhatstopsbesideus,grinningdownatJennie.“Shit,it’sbeen,what?Sixyears,giveortake?”
Shedoesn’tanswer,juststaresupathim,handsballedintofists.
“Youlookgood.Weshouldhangsometime.I’vemissedyou.”Helaughslowly,lookingbackatthescreenwherethepreviewsarestillplaying.“Youknow,Ialwaysthoughtit’dbeyouupthereonthebigscreen.”
Jennie’sfingernailsdigintothearmrest.
Idon’tknowwhothisguyis,butwhenhisgazesettlesonmine,arrogantandamused,I’maboutthisclosetopunchingapersonI’venevermetbeforeintheface.Infact,IalreadyhatehimmorethanSimon.
“What’sup,man?”Heextendsahand.“I’mKevin.”
“Idon’treallygiveafuckwhoyouare.”
Hissmilefalters.“What?”
“Youheardme.”IgestureatJennie.“You’reclearlymakingheruncomfortable,soyouneedtogo.”
Hebarksanincredulouslaugh.“That’sridiculous.I’mnotmakingyouuncomfortable,Jen,amI?”Whenhereachesdownandbrusheshisthumbacrossherchin,allIseeisred.“Fuck,Ialwayslovedthismouth.”
I’moutofmyseatbeforemybrainevensendsthemessageformyfeettomove,andIstepinfrontofJennie,shovingKevinbackward.
“Don’tfuckingtouchher,”IgrowlasJennie’shandslipsupthebackofmyhoodie,grippingafistfulofmyshirt,tuggingmecloser.“Don’tfuckingtalktoher.Don’tevenfuckinglookather.”
“Easy.”Kevin’shandscomeupinsurrender.“Wegowayback.”
“Thenthere’sagoodfuckingreasonyouaren’tinherlifeanymore.”Iscoopupourcoats,grabJennie’shand,andpullheroutofherseat.“Comenearheragainandyou’llneedyourfacereconstructed.”
HerhandtremblesinmineasImarchintotheparkinglot,andI’mbusychantingtomyselfinmyheadabouthowIneedtocalmthefuckdown.Idon’twantJenniefeedingoffmyenergyrightnow,notwhensheneedstofeelsafe.
Iallbutstuffherinthepassengerseat,thentakeamomentinthebitter,dampnightairtotampdownontheurgetogobackinthereandknockKevin’steethoutforwhateverhedidtomakethiswildgirlquestionallherbestparts,tostomponhertrusttothepointthatshe’swarytoevergiveitoutagain.
Insidethecar,Jenniequivers,smallhandsshakingonherthighs.Icoveroneinmine,andjustlikethat,herbodystillsasshelooksdownatourclaspedhands.
“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”Iask.SheshakesherheadandIbringherknucklestomylips.“Let’sgohome.”
Idon’tknowwhatsheneedsfromme,butIknowIwanttogiveittoher.Snugglesonthecouch?Sure.Backtickleinbed?Yougotit.Fuck,I’llevengiveherspaceifsheasksmetwice.
WhatIdon’texpectisforhertobypassmyhandasitreachesforherfloorintheelevator,topressformineinstead,keyinginthepenthousecode.
Idon’texpecthertokickoffhershoesinsidemydoorandlookmeintheeyeassheunbuttonsherjeans.Idon’texpecthertoslidethemoverherhipsanddropthemtothegroundbeforeshetakesmyfaceinhercold,tremblinghandsandfusesourmouthstogether.
Myhandsslipunderhershirtandglideoverherback,pullingheragainstme.Shesighs,tiltingherheadbackwhenmymouthmovesdownherchin,overthecolumnsofherthroat.Ihoistheruptome,windingherlegsaroundmywaist,carryinghertomybedroom.
ShepullshershirtoverherheadwhenIsetheronthebed,lipspartingasshewatchesmeundress.WhenmykneeshitthemattressandIpullherbelowme,acherryredflushcreepsupherchest,staininghercreamyskin.Mylipsfollowitspath,feelingtheheatthatwarmsher,stokingthefirebetweenus.
“Garrett,”shewhispersasIunhookherbra,slidingthestrapsdownhershoulders.She’sgottheteensiestfrecklesdottingherskinhere,barelynoticeable,butInoticeeverythingabouther.Ipressmylipsthere,thennibblealonghercollarbone,findingthehollowspotatthebaseofherthroatasshequiversbelowmytouch.“Iwantto…Iwanttohavesexwithyou.”
Mybodystills,lipshoveringonherneck,andmycockbetraysmebythrobbingwhereitrests,rightagainstthespotshesaysshewantsme.
Butshedoesn’treally.
“Jennie…”
Herfingersfallfrommyhair,andsheshifts,likeshe’stryingtohide,likeshedoesn’tknowhowbadlyIwanther.
Myhandslidesalongherjaw,forcinghertolookatme.“Stop.Ifitisn’tclearenough,there’snowhereelseI’dratherbethaninsideyou.”Myeyesmovebetweenhers,notingtheuncertainty,theinsecurities,thefear.“Tonightisnotthenight.You’vehadanoverwhelmingday,andyou’refeelingvulnerable,andthat’sokay.ButIwantyoutowantmebecauseyouactuallydo,becauseyou’recertainaboutit.Iwon’ttakesomethingfromyouunlessyou’rewithoutadoubtreadytogiveittome.Andyou’renot,Jennie.”
Shepullsherbottomlipbetweenherteeth.“Butwhatifyougetboredofme?”
“Jennie.”Buryingmyfaceinherneck,Ichucklesoftly,thentugherlipfree.“TodayIusedoneofyourdildostofixadentyouputinyourbrother’scar,thenwatchedyoumoanovereverysinglebiteofyourdinnerandlickyourfingersclean.BeingwithyouislikewatchingmyfavoriteTVshow.I’malwaysontheedgeofmyseat,waitingtoseewhatcomesnext.”
Shebeams.“I’myourfavorite?”
“Myfuckingfavorite.”
Shetanglesherfingerswithmine.“Canyoushowme?”
Ido,fivetimesover,showingherallmyfavoritespotsonherbody,whisperingagainstherskinabouteverythingshedoesthatmakesmylifebetter.Later,whenherbodycurlsintomineandmyfingersdancedownherspine,sheopenshermouthandtellsmewhatreallyhappenedearliertoday.
“That’sbullshitandyouknowit,Jennie,”Isaywhenshefinishes.“Yougotthatjobofferbecauseyourteacherthinksyoudeserveit,notbecauseofwhoyourbrotheris,andnotbecauseyoufollowtherules.”
Shetraceshernameonmytorsowiththetipofherfinger.“It’shardnottothinkaboutitwhensomeoneputsthethoughtinyourhead.Ihatedoubtingmyself.”
“Andindoingso,yougaveKrissyexactlywhatshewanted.Shewantsyoutosecond-guessyourtalent.Shewantsyoutobeasinsecureassheis.Becauseintheend,that’swhatitcomesdownto.She’sinsecureandjealous.”
“Doyouthinkthat’swhyshedoesn’tlikeme?”
Iliftashoulder.“IbetKrissydoesn’tevenknowwhyshedoesn’tlikeyou.Becauseit’sgotnothingtodowithyouandeverythingtodowithher.She’sgotherownshitthatneedsworkingthrough.”
“Itmakessense.It’sjust…sometimesitfeelslikeIdon’tfitinwithanyone.”
“Youweren’tmadetofitin,Jennie.Youstandoutwaytoomuchtohideintheshadows.”
Shelaysherwarmcheekonmyshoulder.“Thankyou,Garrett.”
Itickleherneckwiththetipofherbraid.“Forwhat?”
“Fortalkingtome.Listeningtome.Helpingme.Butmostofall,fortrappingmeinaclosetandforcingmetoplaywithyou.”
“I’mnotsurethat’squitehowthatwent.”
“Theorgasmshavebeenwonderful.”
“Wonderfulenoughtoditchthetoys?”
“Oh,Garrett.”Shegivesmeapitying,humoringlaugh,pattingmychest.“Let’snotgetcarriedaway.Mendon’tvibrate.”
“Maybenot.”Mytongueflicksoverthatspotbelowherear.“Butrealmenmakeyouvibrate.”
Giggling,shesnugglesintome,andsoonshe’ssoundasleepinmyarms.IturnonNetflix,tellingmyselfI’llwakeherupafterandwalkherhome.ButthelongerIliehere,themoreunwillingIamtolethergo.
She’sstunning,abreathtakingmasterpiecewithchestnutwavestumblingoutofherbraid,splayedoverherneck,darklashesrestingagainstherrosycheekbones.Idon’tknowwhatshe’sdreamingabout,butthemorehernosescrunchesinhersleep,themoreshesighshappilyandsmiles,themoreIhopetoGodit’sme.
Ican’tstopmyselffrompickingmyphoneupandhittingthatredRecordbutton.Iwanttoseethisfaceexactlyasitisrightnow,wheneverIwantto,andwhenanhour’spassed,Idecidetosayabigol’fuckyoutotherules.IturnofftheTVandsettleintothedarkness,pullingJennietightertome.
Herhandcoastsupmyarm,fingerssinkingintomyhair.“Garrett?”shemurmurs.“Doyouwantmetogo?”
“Iwantyoutostay.”
Iwaitforhertoarguethewayshelikesto,tosayit’snotagoodidea.Butinstead,afteramomentthatseemstolastforever,sheshovesherlegbetweenmine.
“ThoughtyousaidIsnore.”
“Nah,you’rebeingextracuteinyoursleeptonight.ItookavideosoIcanremindmyselfnexttimeyou’reactinglikeabrat.”
Shelaughs,thenstills.“Awhat?”
“Avideo.Don’tworry;Ihidit.”
Sheshootsup,nearlyhammeringmeinthefacewhensheflingsherselfoverme,slappingatthelampuntilitfloodstheroomwithlight,makingmeallsquinty.“Deleteit.”
Irubmyeyeswithmyfists.“What?”
“Deleteit.Now.”
“Youcan’tseeanything.It’sjustyourface.You’redoingthiscutethingwithyournose,allscrunchy,kindalikeabunny,andyoukeepsmiling,and—Jesus,Jennie,watchit.”Herkneenarrowlymissesmyballsasshecrawlsoverme.Sheripsmyphonefromthecharger,swipingfranticallythroughmyphotos,searchingforthevideo.
“Whereisit?”Sheshovesitagainstmychest.“Deleteit.Rightnow.”
“Okay,Jennie.I’lldeleteit.Calmdown.”
“Don’ttellmetocalmdown.”Shestormsaroundtheroom,snaggingherunderwearandfumblingherwaybackintothem.“Youdon’ttakeavideoofsomeonewithouttheirpermission,Garrett!Whatthefuckwereyouthinking?”
WhatwasIthinking?IwasthinkingIwantedtofeellikeshewasbesidemethenexttimeI’mhundredsofmilesawayfromher.“IguessIwasn’t,”isthelameexcuseIoffer,rollingoffthebed.IshowhermyphoneasIdeletethevideo.“There.It’sgone.”Shepullshershirtoverherhead,andIfollowherintothehallway,cuppingmyballs,wishingIwasn’tnakedrightnow.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Leaving.”
Irubmytemple,rightwhereaheadacheisforming.“Ithoughtweweregonna…youweregonna…stay?”
“Wedon’tdosleepovers,Garrett.Wehaverules.”
Mypulsethundersinmyearsasshebuttonsherjeansandstepsintohershoes.“Wedon’thavetohaverules.Wedon’t—wecan—”Fuck.Itugatmyhair.HereIgoagain.It’snotthathardtohavedifficultconversations.Ijustwanthertostay.Ijustwanther.“Jennie—”
“Thiswasamistake.”Shemumblesthewordstoherself,butIhearthem,andtheyhurt.
“Becauseofthevideo?Idon’tunderstand.”
Jenniescoopsupherthingsandflingsthedooropen.Ireachout,wrappingmyfingersaroundherelbow.
“Wait,Jennie—”
“Don’ttouchme!”Herfaceflames,eyespiercingasshereelsonme,chestheavingwitheachraggedinhale.Hergazeflickersasathousandemotionspassthroughthem,andIdon’trecognizeasingleone,excepttheheartbreak,thedeep-seatedbetrayal.Imayseethem,butIdon’tunderstandthem,notwhyshewearsthemwithme.“Ishouldn’thaveletyouin.I’mbetteroffalone.”
Furybuildsinmychestandburststhroughmyveins,fistsclenchingatmysidesasthewordssinkin.Sheregretsthis.Regretsme.Herpasthurtrulesherlife,andI’mtiredofsittingbyandlettingit.“That’sbullshitandyouknowit,Jennie.Nobodyisbetteroffalone.”
Iwatchitallinslowmotion,thewayhereyesdim,thefireinthemdying,replacedwithanemptinessIhaven’tseenbefore,adistancethatmakesherfeelanentireworldawayassheshutsdownonmefarworsethansheeverhas
“Iam,”ishersimplereply,rightbeforesheletsthedoorslamshutbehindher.
“Fuck.”Isnapmypantsupofftheground.“Fuck.”Iheadtothekitchenandfillaglasswithwater,drainitquickly,thenfillitagain.I’vegonefromblissfultomindfuckedinamatteroftwominutes.
Donemyfuckingass.Shelikestobeincontrol,toactlikeshecallstheshots,butIrefusetoletherdecidethisoneonherown.ShekeepstellingherselfI’msomeoneelse,convincingherselfshecan’ttrustme,thesamewaysheshouldn’thavetrustedthepeoplewhobrokeher.
ButI’mnotthem.
Idon’twanttobreakher;Iwanttoshowhershe’salreadywhole.Iwanttobeherbestfriend,thepersonshecomestowhensheneedshelp,likeshedidtonight.Iwanttobetheonesheopensherselfuptowithoutholdingback.IwanthertoshowmeitallwhileIpromisetokeepthosepartssafe.
Iknowshe’swiredthiswayafteralltheseyears,conditionedtobelievenoonecouldeverwantherforeverythingshebringstothetable.Shethinksshe’ssaferinherbubble,keepingoutthepeoplewhohavethepowertohurther,butintheend,sheonlyhurtsherselfmore.
She’sdeterminedtokeeppartsofherselfhidden,hell-bentonkeepingmeontheoutside.
It’sironic,really,becauseontheoutsideiswhereshehatestobe.Rightnow,she’stheoneputtingherselfthere.
Somaybethat’swhyI’mstunnedwhenthere’saknockonmydooratthecrackofdawnasI’mstandinginmylivingroom,watchingthesunrisewithacupofcoffeeinmyhand,mydesperateattemptatcuringtheheadachecausedbythemuddledmessinmybrain,theutterabsenceofsleepasIsatonmycouchandtypedoutfiftytextmessages,neversendingasingleoneofthem.
BecausewhenIopenthedoor,Jenniestandsthereinapairofplaidsleeppantsandmyhoodie,thickhairweavedinhersignaturemessybraid,drapedoverhershoulder,thesmoothskinonherfaceframedbyalltheloosetressesthatspillfromit.
Hercoolblueeyesareredrimmedandexhausted,shattered,andherchinquiversasshepeersupatme.“I’msorry,Garrett.”
Thewordsarefracturedandhoarse,andwhenmyarmsopen,shefallsintothem,buryingherfaceinmyshoulderasshetremblesinmyhold,andIknow:Myhearthasn’teverbeatsohardforanotherperson.CHAPTER25SAFELANDINGJENNIE
Thedoorhadn’tevenfinishedslammingbehindmeandIalreadyknewI’dbeback.
Therehadn’tbeenashredofdoubtinmymindasIbypassedtheelevatorandsprinteddownthestaircase,asI’dletgooftheirrationalangerandletthegrieftakeover,tearsspillingdownmycheeks,blurringmyvisionfortheumpteenthtime.
IrrationalangerbecauseGarrett’snotthepersonI’mangrywith,nordoeshedeservetobeonthereceivingendofit.
GriefbecauseI’mjustgivingupthefuckingfighthere.I’velostsomuch,toomuch.Missedoutonmeaningfulrelationships,avoidedintimateconnections,tuckedsomanypiecesofmyselfawayforsolongI’vebeguntoforgetwhereI’vehiddenthem.
I’mtiredofbeingavictimofmycircumstances.Ineedtomoveforward,butIdon’tknowhow.ImakestrideseverydaywithGarrett,buttherearethesesmallsteps,thelastfewatthetopofthemountain,theonesIjustdon’tknowhowtoclimb.EachtimeItry,mystepsaretoowobbly.Itellmyselftoclosemyeyesanddoit,butnothingdoneblindlyisevereasy.
AllIknowisthisrighthere—myfaceburiedinhischest,hisarmswoundaroundme,hissoothingvoiceinmyeartellingmeeverythingwillbeokay—feelslikeexactlywhereI’mmeanttobe
Garrett’smysolidandmysteady.He’stheconstantinmylife,thesmilealwayswaitingforme,thefriendshipthatneverwanes,theconnectionthatgrowsstrongereachday.He’sthewarmarmsthathugme,thefingersthatdriftdownmyback,thequietvoicethateasesmyworriesattheendofthedayandpromisestobemysafeplacetoland.
Andthat’swhyIknewI’dbeback.That’swhyIspentmynightweavingthroughperiodsofbrokensleep,pacingmylivingroom,curleduponmycouch,waitingforsunrisesoIcouldcomeback,askhimtolisten.
Thebagsunderhisheavy,blearyeyessayhegotasmuchsleepasIdid,thatIcould’vecomebackatanytimeandhewould’vebeenhere,waiting,ready.
He’salwaysready;I’mtheonethattakestoomanystepsbackwardinsteadofforward.
Garrett’slargehandsbracketmyface,pushingmyhairoffmycheeks.Hisblue-greeneyesarefullofcompassion,patience,morethanIeverthoughtI’dfind.Whenthepadofhisthumbbrushesmybottomlip,Isinkintohistouch
“Thankyouforcomingback.”
“I’msorryIyelledatyou.”
“You’reallowedtohavefeelings,Jennie,andit’sokayifthatfeelingisanger.”
“Butit’snotyouwhoI’mmadat.”
Hesweepsmybraidovermyshoulderandkissesmyforehead.“Willyoucomeinandtellmewhoyou’remadat?”
There’satightnessbetweenmyshoulderbladesthat’sbeentheresinceyesterday.ItstartedwithKrissyandeasedwithGarrett,butthemomentIspottedKevinclimbingthestepsinthetheater,itcameroaringback.KrissyandKevinareoneandthesame,thetypeofpeoplewhothriveonmakingothersfeelsmallandinsignificant.Iliketolivemylifeloudandproud,butwhenthey’rearound,allIfindmyselfdoingiscurlingintomyself,hopingtodisappear.
Garretttakesmyhand,givingitagentlesqueeze,areminderoftheanswerhe’swaitingfor.WhenInod,heleadsmetothecouchanddrapesablanketoverme,beforepromisinghe’llberightback.Whenhereturns,it’swiththeswankiestmugofhotchocolateI’veeverseen,toppedwithwhippedcream,crushedcandycane,andbluemarshmallowsshapedlikesnowflakes.
Iwrapmyhandsaroundthesteamingmug.“You’rereallysteppingupyourhotchocolategame.”
“Youhavetheeffectonme,”hemurmurs.“Makingmewanttobebetter.”
“Youdon’tneedtobebetter.You’realreadythebestpersonIknow.”
“AndIfeelthesamewayaboutyou,butIgetthefeelingthat’snothowyoufeelaboutyourself.Notaboutsomethings,atleast.”Hestretcheshisarmacrossthebackofthecouch,anglinghimselftowardme.“Youdon’tneedtochangeanythingaboutyourselftogetsomeonelikeKrissytolikeyou,Jennie.You’resomuchbetterthanpeoplelikethat.”
It’ssomethingaboutmethatdoesn’tmakesense.NottopeoplelikeGarrettwhoknowme,andnottomyself.I’mnotafollower.I’mperfectlyfinetocarvemyownpath,andIdon’twanttogiveupmypersonalitytofitinwithanybody.SowhydoIcraveacceptancesomuch?
“IthinkIjustwanttofeellikeIhaveaspaceinthisworld,peoplethatlovemeforme.”
“Butyoudo,”Garrettargues.
“Notreally.Everyonewho’simportantinmylifecamethroughCarter.”
“So?Imean,Igetit.ButfindingthembecausetheyfoundCarterfirstdoesn’tmeantheydon’tloveyouforeverythingyouare.IknowforafactOliviaandCarafeelsoluckytohaveyou.Doyoudoubtthat?”
IthinkbackonthewayOliviacriedovermyjoboffer,thethoughtofmemovingacrossthecountry.How,justlikemymom,shewantsmetofollowmydreamsbutwishesIcoulddosorighthere,nexttoher,ourfamily.IthinkaboutCara,soeasilyswayedtokeepoursecretfromnotonlyCarterbutherownhusband.Thewayshegavemyhandasqueezeandwhisperedaslongasyou’rehappyinmyearbeforeshedancedbacktotheparty.
“TheygottwoBeckettsforthepriceofone,Jennie,andsodidI.Weallloveyouforthepersonyouare,notforwhoyourbrotheris.I’msorryanybodyevermadeyoufeellikeallyoubroughttothetablewasbeingCarter’ssister.That’ssimplynottrue.”
Itakeasipofmyhotchocolatetolethiswordssettle,tofeelthelovehesaysisthere,toletmyselfbelieveit.WhenImovethemugaway,Garrettchuckles.
“What?”Iswipeatthecornerofmymouth.“Whippedcream?”
Hispalmcurvesaroundmyneck,haulingmecloser,andhislipstouchthetipofmynose.Whenhepullsback,histongueflicksout,lickingthewhippedcreamfromhislips.Hesitsback,patient,waiting,smiling.
Itakeadeepbreathandjump.
“Kevinwasmyboyfriendinhighschool.”Myonlyboyfriend.“Idon’tevenknowwhyIlikedhim.MaybeIwasbeingshallow.Hewascute,popular,andthecaptainofourfootballteam.Everybodylovedhim.IthoughtIwassospecialwhenhestartedpursuingme.Itwasshortlyaftermydaddied,andIthink…maybeIwasmissingsomeoftheloveI’dlost.Everythingwashard.Mymomwasbarelyfunctioning,andCarterwashardlyinthecountry.IknewIwasn’talone,butIfeltthatwayalotofthetime.Kevinmademefeelseen,andhecaredaboutme.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.“Orheactedlikehedid.”
Garrett’sjawflexes,fistsclenching.He’sthinkingthesamethingCarterdid—thatKevinwastakingadvantageofme,thewaymygriefrockedmetomycore.Icanseeitnowclearasday,butIcouldn’tthen.CarterandIgotintoomanyfightsaboutittoevenrecall.
“Kevinwantedtohavesex,butIwantedtowait.Ididn’tfeelready,andIwasintimidated.Hewasexperienced,andhe’devenbeenwithsomeofthegirlsinoldergrades.Hesaidhewasokaywithwaiting,butitdidn’tstophimfromaskingmeeverysingletimewewerealone.Bythetimesenioryearrolledaround,allIfeltwaspressure.Pressuretoskipclasses,todrinkwithmyfriends,tohavesexlikeeveryoneelse,tojust…fitin.”
Asharppitofpainrootsdeepinmychest,eachbreathshallowerthanthelast.Garrett’sfingertipsskimthebackofmyneck,easingthetensionenoughformetobreathe.
“Kevinstarteddroppinghintsthathewasgettingbored,thathecouldgosomewhereelsetogetwhathewanted.Themenowwould’vetoldhimtogofuckhimselfandgetlost,butthemebackthenwastooafraidtobealone.Hehadabigpartyonenightwhilehisparentswereaway,andeveryonewaspressuringmetodrink.”
FireflashesinGarrett’seyes,angrierthanI’veeverseen,andIdon’tblamehim.Iwasandstillamwithinmyrighttodeclinealcohol.Nobodyneedsanexcusetoavoidit,butthatalcoholstolemydadfrommewasmorethanenoughofareason.Thatmyfriendsdidn’trespectthisshould’vebeenenoughofaredflag.
Buttheworstpartofall?
“Itwasacoupledaysaftertheanniversaryofmydad’sdeath.Carterwasonaten-dayroadtrip,andIwasjust…struggling.Iwastired.Iwantedtoforget.”Garrettslipsanarmaroundmywaist,tuggingmeintohisside,andIlaymyheadonhisshoulder.“Idon’tknowwhatIdrank.Itsmelledlikegasolineandburnedlikefire.IwentupstairswithKevin,andwewerefoolingaroundonhisbed,andItoldhimIwantedtohavesex.”
“Youdidn’twantto,”Garrettspeaksforthefirsttime.Helooksatme,asoftunderstandingthatcoastsmyface.“Youdidn’twanttohavesex.Youjustwantedtofeelsomethingelse.Andhetookadvantageofyoufeelingthatway.”
ManyyearsseparateGarrettnowandKevinthen,butthismanbesidemeisexactlythat—aman.Arealman.WhatIfeltlastnightiswhatIfeltallthoseyearsago.Iwantedtofeelanythingotherthantheanger,thehurt,thebetrayal,soIofferedupthelastbitofmybodytoGarrettinhopeshe’dtakethosefeelingsaway,helpmefeelsomethingelse.
Andhesaidno
Hesawmystruggleandinsteadoftakingsomethinghewanted,hegavemewhatIneeded.Patience,compassion,connection.Withonesimpleaction,hereinforcedwhatIalreadyknew:thatIcouldtrusthim.
“Itfeltlikeitwentonforever.Hesaidhewantedmetofeelgood.Atthetime,Ithoughtitwassweet,thathejustwantedtomakesuremyfirsttimewaspleasurable.”
Mythroatconstricts,andmyeyesstingwithtearsbeggingtofall.Idon’twanttoletthem.I’vegivenKevinfartoomany.
“Itstartedtofeelgood.Iwas…”Heatfloodsmyface,clawingitswaytothetipsofmyears.“Gettingvocal.Makingnoises.”MyvisionblursandGarrettpresseshislipstothecrownofmyhead.“Heflippedmeoversuddenlyandrightbeforehepushedbackinsideme,hetoldme…hetoldmetoscreamforthem.”
“Them?”
Tearstipovertheedgeofmylidsandfree-falldownmycheeksasI’mfloodedwithmemories,asItellGarrettaboutthewaythedoortoKevin’sbedroomsprungopenjustasIcalledhisname,howhalfofthefootballteamstoodontheotherside,phonespointedatuswhiletheylaughedandcheeredKevinonwhilehefinished.ThewayKevinsmackedmyasswhenhewasdone,toldmeitwasnobigdeal,howheleftmetheretocleanmyselfup,andthenwatchedmeleavewhilehestoodinhiskitchen,drinkingbeerandlaughingwithhisfriends.
Islapatmycheeks,tryingtoswipemytearsaway,butit’snouse.TheykeepfallingasItellhimhowKevinwouldn’treturnmycallsthenextday,howIwalkedthroughthehallsatschoolonMondayandlistenedtomyownmoansbeingplayedbacktomefromeveryone’sphones,howIfoundmyboyfriendstandingathislockerwithhisarmaroundmybestfriend,allthepeopleIhadconsideredfriendssurroundingthem,laughingatme.
“Ilostmyvirginity,myboyfriend,myfriends,andeverythingelsethatmatteredinonenight.Hetookeverythingfromme,Garrett,worstofall,mypride.”ThewordsarestrangledasIrubmyeyes,andGarrettpullsmetighttohim.“ByMondaynight,therewerevideosallovertheinternet.Youcouldn’tseemybody,butyoucouldhear…everything.CarterBeckett’slittlesister’ssextape,”Imurmur,rememberingtheheadlinesofthegossiparticles,theonesCarter’sPRteamstillworkstotakedowneverynowandagainwhentheypopup.
“Itoldyouit’dbeenyearssinceI’dhadsex.WhatIdidn’ttellyouwasitonlyhappenedonce.Iwantedto.”God,howIwantedto.Sobadly,Icravedanintimateconnection.“ButIwastooscared.Tooscaredtotrustsomeoneagain.Ilethimstealthatfromme.”
Garrettcursesunderhisbreath,fingertipsbitingintomyskin.“Ishould’veputhimthroughthefuckingfloor.”
“Cartertookcareofhim.Heflewhomethenextmorning,stormedthroughtheparkinglotatschool,foundKevinstandingaroundhiscar,anddidn’tstopuntilIbeggedhimto.”
Carterisalotofthings,buthe’sthebestbrotheranyonecouldaskfor.Assoonashiseyesmetmine,whenhefoundmesobbing,needinghim,hisentirefacesoftened.Hestoodup,brokethephoneofthepersonnearbywhowasvideotaping,gaveKevinonefinalwarning,thenwrappedmeinhisarmsandtookmehome.
“Ifinishedthesemester,tookmyexams,andneverwentback.Cartersentmeandmymomonalongtrip,andthenextfallIfinishedmydiplomaonline.That’swhyI’mayearbehind.Ishould’vefinishedmydegreelastyear,butIneededtime.TimeIprobablyshould’vetakenaftermydadpassed,ratherthanthrowingmyselfintoarelationshipthatleftmefeelingempty,likeashellofthepersonIhadoncebeensoproudtobe.”
“Areyouproudofwhoyouarenow?”
“Iwanttobe,butsometimesI’mnotevensurewhothatisanymore.”
Garrettsmilesgently.“Iknowwhoyouare,Jennie.You’readedicatedfriend,sister,anddancer.You’rehardworking,competitive,andyoualwaysstrivetobebetterthanyouwerethedaybefore.You’recommittedandloyaltothepeopleyoucareabout,eventhoughnoteveryonehasbeenloyaltoyou.You’resassyandsarcastic,andyoudon’thesitatetoclapbackmostofthetime,shuteveryoneupandputusallinourplace.”
Hepicksupawaywardlockofhair,lettingitslipbetweenhisfingersbeforehetucksitbehindmyear,lettinghisknucklesgrazemycheekbone.
“Butyouhaveaquietsidetoo.Asidethatcravesdowntime,thatlikestosnuggleinbedandwhisperaboutthebestandworstpartsofyourdays.Youoveranalyzeeverythingbecauseyouthinkabouteverypossibleending.Youhatethatyoudo,butyoucaretoomuchaboutwhatpeoplewhodon’tmatterthinkaboutyou.Youhaveabigheart,andyoucryateverysingleDisneymovie,eventhepartsthataren’tsad,becauseallthatlovehitsyouhard.You’reasecretsoftie,butyoulikeeveryonetothinkyou’realittlebitscary,thatyou’reunshakable.
“Buthere’sthething,Jennie.Youdon’thavetobestrongandconfidentallthetime.You’reallowedtohaveinsecurities,tobeafraid,tofeellonely.Thosethingsdon’tmakeyouweak;theymakeyouhuman.”
Histhumbtrapsatearthatdripsdownmycheek.“Ihopeyou’reproudofyourself,butifyou’renot,knowthatIam.I’vewatchedyoutakestepafterstep,learningtotrustmeandopenuptomeeventhougheverythinginsideyouprobablybegsyounotto.”Hiseyesrakeoverme,likethey’recatalogingeverypassingemotion.“I’msorrysomebodywassocarelesswithyourheart.Thankyoufortrustingmewiththis.”
Ifiddlewithaloosestringonthehemofhisshirt.“Sometimesmybraintellsmenottotrustyou,butI’mlearningnottolistentoit.”
Hecapturesmychin,forcingmygazebacktohis.“I’mnotlikethem.Icareaboutyou,andwhenyou’rehurting,I’mhurting.SowhateverIneedtodotoshowyouthatyoucantrustme,I’lldoit.Iwantyoutofeelsafewithme,Jennie.”
Ilookatthewayourfingerslacetogether,andIknowwithoutadoubtI’veneverfeltsaferthanIdowithhim.“Idofeelsafewithyou.That’swhyIcameback.Iwantedtosharethiswithyou.Butthatdoesn’tmeanputtingmytrustinsomeonenewiseasy.It’sscary,notknowinghowthisends,thethoughtthatImightgethurtagain.”
Hesqueezesmyhand,smilingtenderly.“Blindleapoffaith?PromiseI’llcatchyou.”
“Honestly?Itdoesn’tfeelsoblindrightnow.”
Thepadofhisthumbskatesacrossmybottomlip.“Iknowyourwallsarethereforareason.AllIaskisthateveryonceinawhileyouletmeinandshowmearound.I’llholdyourhandwhileyoudoit,andIpromiseIwon’tletgo.”
InlieuofwordsIcan’tfind,Iclimbontohislapandwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck,snugglingintohimashishandrunsupanddownmyback.
ThisentiretimeI’vebeenthinkingIcan’thavehim.Thatthisistemporary.Garrett’sempathy,hisunendingpatiencewithme,it’ssomethingI’mnotusedtofinding.Imaybescaredtoletpeoplein,buthe’stheonlypersonwho’sstayedlongenough,triedhardenoughtowigglein.
Idon’tknowhoworwhy,butsomethinginsidemesettleswhenI’mwithhim.IrememberwhoIam,notwhoItellmyselfIneedtobe.Sowoulditbefoolishofmetowanttotry?Toseeifthis,us…ifwecouldwork?Wouldhewantthat?Wouldhebewillingtotry?
Thequestionisonthetipofmytongue,buttheinsecuritiesandfearsthatdon’tdisappearovernight,theexhaustionstealingeveryounceofmyenergy,theykeepmefromasking.ThelastthingIrememberbeforemyeyescloseisGarrett’slipsatmyearashepromisesI’msafewithhim.
I’mnotsurehowlongI’vebeenasleepwhenIwaketohisfingersflutteringovermycheek,coaxingmyheavylidsopen.Ifindhisgentlesmilewaitingformeashecrouchesinfrontofme.
“I’msorrytowakeyou.”Hefrowns,likehe’snotsureofhisnextwords.“Yourbrother’sonthewayover.”
Myeyesshutagainwithagroan.Myheadisinagony,desperateforrest.Ican’thandleCarter’sworriestoday.
Garrett’sthumbsweepsthesensitiveskinbelowmyeyes.“It’sokay.Therewereacouplepicturesofwhathappenedatthetheateryesterday.Cartercalledbecauseyouweren’tanswering.”
“Ididn’tbringmyphone.Whatdidyousay?”
“Iwashonest.”Heshrugs.“AshonestasIcouldbewithoutriskingmyballs,atleast.Itoldhimwhathappened,thatweleftandyouwenthomeupset.Isaidyoucamebackthismorningbecauseyouneededsomeonetotalkto,andyoufellasleepafterward.Allhecaresaboutisyou,Jennie.Hewantedtomakesureyouweresafe.Itoldhimyouwerestillhere,andhesaidhewasonhisway.”
“IfheknowsIwassleeping,thenIcangobacktosleep,right?”
“Yousurecan,sunshine.”Hiseyesdroptohishandasheplayswiththestringsofhishoodie,theoneI’mstillwearing.“Youcankeepitonifyouwant.”
Iwantto,butIcan’t,soIletGarrettpeelitoff,leavingmeinmyT-shirtbeforehetuckstheblanketbackaroundmyshoulders.
Igriphisshirt,tugginghimbacktome.“Kissme,please.”
Hedoes,longanddeep,warmhandsonmyfacebeforehewhispersa“Sweetdreams”againstmylipsandpullsaway.
It’snotlongbeforeknockingonthedoorwakesme.
Knockingisthewrongword.Itstartsthatwaybutquicklyspiralstoslappingandknob-jiggling,Carter’sirritatingvoicechanting,“Gare.Gare.Gare.”
Idirectmybraintosleepthroughthis,ignoretheonslaughtofquestions.Butevenwithoutseeinghim,hispresenceisoverpowering.
“Whereisshe?Issheokay?”
“She’sokay,”Garrettwhispers.“She’ssleepingstill.”
“Whatdidhesay?”Carterdemands.“Didhefuckingtouchher?”
Ituneouttheconversation,butmyeyesflutteropenwhenapairofsofthandslandonmyface,andOlivia’ssmilingfacecomesintoview.
“Hi.Ibroughtyouacinnamonbuncappuccino.”
Imanagetositup,rubbingatmyeyeswithmyfists.“YoucamewithCarter?Why?”
Aflashofhurtdancesinherdarkeyes.“Becauseyou’remysister,oneofmybestfriends,andIloveyou.Ifyou’rehurting,Idon’twantyoutodoitalone.”Herarmscomearoundme,asuffocating,wonderfulhug.“We’restrongertogether,Jennie.”
Myheartthumpsatthepromise,thelove,andIjumpwhenherstomachkicksagainstmine.Ipullback,lookingatherroundbelly.“Holyshit.Whatthefuckwasthat?”
Oliviasmiles.“Yournieceornephewsayinghitotheiraunt.”
“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”Carterwhines,marchingacrossthelivingroom.“Jenniefelthimmove?”
“Orher,”Oliviamutters.“BabyBeckettlovesAuntieJennie.”
Isqueezeherhands.“Thankyouforcoming.”
Cartersweepsmeoffthecouchandcrushesmeagainsthischest,myfeetdanglingabovethefloor.“I’msorryIwasn’tthereforyou.”
“I’mokay,”Iremindhim,thewordsmuffledbyhisshoulder.“Garrettwasthere.”
“Itshould’vebeenme.”
Carterwasbornaprotector.It’spartofwhatmakeshimagoodleader,anamazingcaptain.Histeamishisfamily,andhewon’tletanybodytouchthem.Italsomakeshimanincrediblebrother,evenifalittle—oralot—overbearingattimes.
Butwhenourdadpassed,whenCarterputtakingcareofmeandmymomabovetakingcareofhimself,andwhenmyboyfriendandfriendsbrokemyheart?Itpushedhimtoawholenewlevel.Hestruggleswithguilt,believinghefailedatprotectingme,andnowhe’shell-bentonkeepingmesafefromheartache.
Igetit,Ireallydo.Buthecouldn’tprotectmethen,andhecan’tprotectmenow.Heartsbreakandpeoplegethurt.It’sinevitable,andit’sunrealisticforhimtothinkhemightbeabletokeepmesafeforever.
Butnow,asImeetGarrett’sstareoverCarter’sshoulder,I’mpainfullyawarethatthere’soneheartbreakIneverwanttoexperience,onepersonIneverwanttolose,andrightnow,he’swearingagentle,patientsmileallforme.
SodoIkeepallowingfeartotightenitsgriponme,tocontrolmylife?
OrdoItakeGarrett’shandandaskhimtojumpwithme?CHAPTER26THEGREEN-EYEDMONSTERJENNIE
“I’mgonnavomit.”
“Youarenot.Quitbeingdramatic.”
“Iam.I’mgonnadoit.”I’mnotlying.
“Ifshedoesn’t,Iwill.”Oliviaplacesonehandonherstomach,theotheroverhermouth.Herfacepalesrightontime,andCararollshereyes,yankinghercandydishintoherstomach.
Tobefair,Oliviamightactuallyvomit.She’sbeenonthispregnancyhealthkicklately,butwewentforlunchearlierandshekindasaidfuckitandthrewitalloutthewindow.Shehadaplatteroftacosandabasketofchilicheesefries.She’sbeenmoaningandgroaningforhoursnow.
“There’snothingwrongwithmysnack.”Carasticksherhandinside,grabsawhole-asshandfulofSkittlesandM&M’s,anddumpsthem—together—intohermouth.“It’sde-wish-us.”
Oliviagags,lurchingforward,andIgatherherhairatthenapeofherneckandrubherback.She’sbecomesuchagoodactorsincebecomingaBeckett.I’msoproudofmyPip-squeak.
Withanotherexaggeratedeyeroll,Carahaulshercandytothekitchen.“Youguysfuckingsuck.Ifyou’djusttryit,you’dlike—”
“Absolutelynot.”IreleaseOlivia’shairandsinkback,pickingupmyplateofPop-Tarts.Garrettleftmeaboxofmyfavoritekindbeforeheleft:FrostedHotFudgeSundae.
Caraliftsabrowatmefromwheresheshovelshersnackintohermouthattheisland.“Wedon’thavethatflavorhere,Jennie.That’sexclusivetotheStates.”
Ihumaroundmybite.
“YouknowwhoalwayshasfunflavorsofPop-Tarts?”Thishandfulisn’tbigenoughtohidehershit-eatingsmirk.“Garrett.Yeah,getsthemsentspecialfromAdam’smom.”
“Really?Wow.I’venevermetAdam’smom.Issheassweetasheis?Soundslikeit.”Deflection:A+.Caraopenshermouth,butIshoveasnackbetweenmyteethandpointattheTV.“Boysareon.”
Carasinksbesidemewithanacceptablesnack,andOliviasnugglesintomysideastheboysstartzippingaroundtheice,warmingupfortheirgame.
IttakesOliviaapproximatelytensecondstogofromsnugglytogrowly,shovelingpopcornintohermouthwhileshemuttersbeneathherbreath,scowlingattheTV.
“Whatareyouonabout,Pip?”Iask,stealingaqueso-coverednachochipfromCara.
OliviagestureswildlyattheTV.“Lookatthem!Damnvultures.Swooprightin.”
“Whoswoopsin?”Ianswermyownquestionwhenthecamerapansoverthehalf-dressedwomenshakingtheirsignsbehindtheglass.
Beckett,showmeahattrickandI’llshowyouasextrick!
Youcanputitinmy5-hole,#87!
Mynosescruncheswithdisgust.“Ew.Don’tworry;he’snotpayingthemanyattention.”Infact,heskatesovertooneofthecamerasatboardlevel,andwhenhestopstheretotalktoit,thecameraontheTVswitchestothatfeed.
“Hi,princess!”heshoutsfrombehindtheglass.“Missyou!”Heskatesawaywithawink,andOlivia’sentirefacelights,bodyhumminghappily.
“See?Nothingtoworryabout.Wedidn’tevenhavetoflytoMontrealsoyoucouldbump’emwithyourbellyandshow’emwho’sboss.”
“Ohlook.”Caragripsmyforearm.“Garrett’sgothisownfansectiontonighttoo.”
Ihatethewaymyheadwhipsandthefrantic“What?”thatleavesmylips.Butworstofall?Idroppedmynachochip.
MyeyestrailtherinkonTV,andIfindGarrettwithouthesitation.He’stallandbroadashefloatsaroundtheice,rightbeforehecrashesintoCarterfrombehind,shovinghimintotheboards.It’sfollowedquicklybyEmmettcrushingbothofthemtotheboardsandAdamdog-pilingontopwhentheysinktotheice,andI’mtooannoyedwiththegroupofwomentworowsuptofinditcute.
Marryme,Andersen!
CanIhandleyourstick,GBaby?
“Stupid.Thosearestupidsigns.They’renotevencreative.”InabthepackofSwedishBerriesoffthecoffeetable,tearitopen,anddumphalfthecontentsintomymouth.“Handlehisstick?Whatever.Whatdoesthatevenmean?Handlehisstick.”Isnort.“Whatever.”
“You’vesaidthattwice,”Caramurmurs.
“NoIhaven’t.”
“Youdid,actually,”Oliviaobserves,eyecockedassheexaminesme.
Ishakemyhead,lookingbacktotheTV.Terribletiming;oneofthewomenhasmadeherwaydowntotheboards,andmybrotherseemstobefacilitatingconversationbetweenherandGarrett.
“Pee.”Irockettomyfeet.“Ihavetopee.Inthetoilet.Excuseme.”I’mturningintothemanwhofingerbangsmestraighttoheaven.Highlyembarrassing.
Istayinthereforfiveminutes,untilI’msureI’msafetoreturn.WhenIdo,Iglueonmybestcarefreesmile,pickupmyplateofPop-Tarts,andsqueezemyselfbackbetweenmyfriends,bothofwhomstealaPop-Tartfrommytray.
“TellGarrettthanksforthePop-Tarts.”
It’snotCarawhosaysit.It’sOlivia.
***
“I’mhot.”
“Weloveaself-awarequeen,”Caramurmursintomyhair.“Yes,Jennie,you’regorgeous.”
“No,Imean,physicallyIfeellikeI’monfire.”
I’mcurrentlysandwichedbetweentwowomen—onetinyandpregnant,theothertallandlanky—whohavedecidedtomakemetheirbedtimebitchforthenight.ThosewereCara’swords.Oliviatoldmeshesimplymissedsnugglingwithherhusband.She’dalreadytoldmeshehadn’tbeensleepingwellwithoutCarter,andthedarkcirclesunderhereyeswereproof.
Sowhensheheldupapairofpajamas,gavemethatpoutyface,andaskedmetostaythenight,Icouldn’tsayno.CarasaidifOliviagottosleepwithsomeone,sodidshe.Nowhereweare,thethreeofussnuggledtogetherinoneoutrageouslylargebed,afteraFaceTimecallwithCarter,Garrett,Emmett,Adam,andJaxonthatlastedwaytoolongandhadCarteraskingOliviatosneakoffalonetothebathroomonce,andCaraandEmmettactuallysneakingoff.
“It’sme,”Oliviasaysonasigh.“I’mhotallthetime.I’mlikeafurnace.Ican’tturnitoff.”Shepopsuponherelbow,eyesdancinginthemoonlight.“Hey,rememberwhenCarterboughtmeafurnacewhenwestarteddatingbecauseminewasbrokenandhedidn’twantmetobecold?”
“He’ssoostentatious.”
“Hedoeslovehisbiggestures.Buthe’ssothoughtful.”Anothersigh,thisonehappy,andOliviaflopsbackdownonthemattressandshovesonelegbetweenmine,snugglingcloseranduppingmybodytemperatureanothertendegrees.“YouBeckettsaretheverybestatsnuggling.”
Thefull,contentfeelingthathumsinmychestmakesmesmile.“Cara,Iwouldn’thaveexpectedyoutobesosnuggly.”
“Oh,I’masprawler.Yeah,IliketogetrightontopofEmmettandjustgiveupforthenight.Can’ttellyouhowmanytimesthatguy’swokenupwithhisheadtangledbetweenmylegs,andnotfortherightreasons.”
Isnicker,andmymindcoaststoGarrett.I’vefallenasleepwrappedaroundhimcountlesstimes,wokenupinthemiddleofthenighttohisheadbetweenmylegsfortherightreasons.Butwithoutfail,Iwakeupaloneeachmorning,tryingtorememberthewayhiswarmbodyfeltlockedaroundmine,thefeelofhisfingertipsdriftingovermyback,hislipsslidingalongmyshoulder.
Myforeverhasbeenalonelyonesofar.Ihadn’trealizedtheweightoftheemptinessuntilGarrettfilleditsoeffortlessly,liftingeverythingheavyoffmyshoulders,mychest,lettingmestandtallerandbreathedeeper.
Thenightisquietandstillaroundus,thesoftsoundofsteadybreathinginmyear,thegentleriseandfallofchestsoneithersideofme,andIsitinthesilence,thelove,baskinginit
Apairofarmssqueezearoundme,andwhenIopenmyeyes,IfindOlivia’sdarkonesgazingsleepilyatme.
“What’sup,Pip?”
“Idon’twantyoutoleave,”shewhispers,andthere’ssomethingheavyandvulnerableinhervoice,somethingonthevergeofbroken.“Idon’twantyoutogotoTorontowhenyougraduate,andIfeelsoselfishforthat.”Themoonlightstreakingthroughthebalconydoorsslicesacrossthesingletearthatpeelsawayacrossthebridgeofhernose.“Iwantyoutobesuccessful,andmostofall,Iwantyoutobehappy.But,God,Idon’twantyoutohavetoleavetodoit.”
IthinkCara’sasleep,butshetanglesherfingerswithmine.“We’llalwaysbetogether,nomatterwhereweare.Butit’salwaysabonuswhenwedon’thavetobefar.”
Andmaybeforeverdoesn’tneedtobelonely.Itsuredoesn’tfeelthatwaywiththesepeoplesurroundingme.
***
Carahadthisfunidea.
Iusethewordfunloosely,ofcourse.
Shewokeusupthismorningbyrippingusapart,grinningdownatuslikesomesortofderangedconvictwho’djustfoundhernextvictims.
Let’smaketheboysworkforus,she’dsaidwithamaniacalgiggle.
Apparently,thatmeantgettingdressedup,leavingthehouserightbeforetheboyslandedsothattheyreturnedtoanemptyhouseinsteadofafullonewhereweweresupposedtobewaitingtowelcomethemhomeafteralongstretchapart.
Idon’tmind.I’vegotafullbelly,I’mwearingakick-asspairofscarlet,heeledbooties,andIlookfineasfuckinthesejeans,mywavesspillingdownmyback.Ican’twaittoseeGarrett’sreaction.
Whentheyeventuallylocateus,thatis.
TheotherpartofCara’splaninvolvedsendingthemvideocluesinourgroupchataswemadeourwayaroundthecity.They’vebeenchasingafterus,andit’sbeensignificantlyentertainingreadingtheirexcitedtextswhentheyrealizewhereweare,onlytohaveitfollowedbyafucktonofswearingwhentheyfindwe’vealreadymovedon.We’vebeenatleasttwostepsaheadofthemtheentirenight.
NowI’minthemiddleofthedanceflooratSapphire,sweatyasfuckasIspinaroundit,atinypregnantwomandancingmorethanI’veeverseen—she’sridingawildsugarhighfromdessert—andCara’sdouble-fistinghermartinis.
Evenwithallthenoise,it’simpossibletomissthechatterthatstarts,thesmallfrenzythatsuddenlyensues,andwhenawickedsmirkbreaksacrossCara’sface,Iknow:they’rehere.
SheshoveshermartinisintoOlivia’shandsandpointsatahandsome,dark-hairedman.“You.Dancewithme.”
Hiseyesdoubleinsize.“O-okay.”
Shesnugglesintohischestandslideshishandsoverherhipsastheystartswayingtogether,andthepoorguylookslikehe’sinheaven.
Hemightbeinthirtyseconds.Emmettlookslikehe’sgonnaputhimthroughthefloor.
Thebroadteddybearofamancomestoastopinfrontofthem,staringdownathissmilingwife.HisfistsclenchandheflickshisgazetowardthemanholdingCara.“Handsoffmywife.Now.”
HedropsCaralikeshe’sonfire,sprintingoffthedancefloor,andIsnicker-snortasEmmettscoopsherup,tossesheroverhisshoulder,andcartsherofftowardtheprivateboothsintheback.
Hotbreathkissesmyneck,ashiverofanticipationdancingdownmyspine.“You’reabouttobenext,somewhereafuckloadmoreprivate,andwithmyhandprinttattooedonyourass.SoifIwereyou,I’dquitlaughing.”There’saquick,sharpslaptomyleftasscheekbeforeGarrettstrutsbyme,turnsaround,andcallsout,“Found’em!”
“Ollie!”Carterskidsontothedancefloor,breathless.HelooksdownatOlivia,hisgazeheatingbythemoment.“Ollie,”hemurmurs.“Baby,youlookfucking—”
“Youfuckers.”Adamwrapsmeinahug,smotheringacomplimentIdon’tneedtohear.“Youhadusalloverthecity.”
“ItwasCara’sidea,”Isay,huggingJaxonnext.“We’rejusttheinnocentbystanders.”
Jaxonunbuttonshiscollar,eyescoastingovertheclub.“AndIappreciateit.”Hegrinsdownatme.“Ineedtoblowoffsomesteamtonight.”
“Assumingthat’scodeforgetlaid?”
Thatgrinkeepsgrowing,andheholdshishandout.“Wannadance?”
ImeetGarrett’snarrowedgazeoverhisshoulder.“Loveto.”
Tattooed,mybigguymouthsbeforeIdisappearwithJaxon.
I’vegrowntolikeJaxon,andithasn’ttakenmuch.Ishestillabitofanegotisticalass?Yes.Isheexceptionallyhorny?Whoisn’t?Buthe’sfriendlyandeasy,andthere’ssomethingquietabouthimthatkeepsmetalkingtohim.Maybeit’sbecauseI’vealwaysfeltabitliketheoutsiderwithinthisgroup,andwhenhecamealong,hefeltittoo.Hewasacceptedwithouthesitation,thesamewayIwas,butsometimesIwonderifhequestionshisplacehere,thesameasme.
“DoesAndersenlookpissedtoyou?Helookspissedtome.”
Garretthasoneelbowonthebarashesipsasparklinglemonwater,staresetonus.Butdoeshelookpissed?Helookslikehe’sgoingtotakewhathewantsasmanytimesashewantstonightbeforehefinallygivesmewhatIwant;that’showhelooks.Eitherway,soundslikeagreatnight.Can’twait
“YouknowwhatelseI’venoticedaboutthatguy?”Jaxonbringsmyattentionbacktohim.“Hedrinkswhenwe’reonroadtripsandstuff,oriftheguysgoouttogether,butwheneveryou’rearound,heonlydrinkssparklingwater.”
I’venoticed,too,thoughwe’venotoncetalkedaboutitsincethatnightwesharedourfirstkiss.Garrettnevertouchesadropwhenwe’retogether,evenifwe’reoutwitheveryoneelse.Heusedtohaveasix-packstowedinhisfridge,butnowit’shotchocolateorbust.Cometothinkofit,Ican’trememberthelasttimeI’veseenabeerbottlethere.
“He’sasupportivefriend,”iswhatItellJaxon.
“Yeah,he’saprettygoodguy.”Thesongends,andJaxontakesmyhand,leadingmeoffthedancefloor.“Evenifhedoeslooklikehewantstomurderme.MaybeCarawasright.”
“Rightaboutwhat?”
“Thathe’sgotacrushonyou.ShesaidsoonNewYear’sEve.”
Istumbleovermyowntwofeet,andalargehandlandsonmylowerback,catchingme.Garrettsteadiesme,thenguidesmeintoourprivatebooth,slidinginbehindme.
Jaxonarchesabrow,lookingbetweenus.
“There’ssomethingseriouslywrongwithyouifyoubelieveeverythingthatwomansays,”Garrettfinallysays.Henodsinthedirectionofthewomaninquestion,whohappenstobeinherhusband’slap,handsinhishair,tongueinhismouth.“C’mon,Riley.”
Jaxonchuckles,shakinghisheadashetakesaseatacrossfromus.“Fuck,yeah,you’reright.Caracan’tbetrusted.”
Caraflasheshermiddlefingeroverhershoulder.
Carter,Adam,andOliviajoinusamomentlater,Carterwithatrayofvariousdrinksandafoodmenu—priorities—andAdamhalfsupportingaquicklyfailingOlivia.Shelookstobebothcomingdownfromhersugarhighandregrettingherdecisiontowearheels.
Anhourlater,Ihaven’tmovedfrommyspot,andI’mhavingthetimeofmylife.It’sperhapspartlyduetotheunholyamountofsexualfrustrationrollingoffthemannexttomeashereadseachtextIsendhimwithoutbeingabletooutwardlyreact.
Me:ShouldIrideIndianaBonestonight,oryourface?
Me:God,Ican’tstopthinkingaboutyourtongueonmypussy.Ilovewhenyoumakemeyourmeal.
Me:MaybewecantrythatlittleglassplugtonightwhileIsuckyourcock.
Me:Ifyouslippedyourhandbetweenmylegsrightnow,you’dfindouthowwetIam.
Garrett’sfistclenchessohardaroundhisglass,I’mworrieditmightshatter.Hesetsitdownandfuriouslytypesoutaresponse.
Bear:Howwetareyou,sunshine?Don’tleaveoutanydetailsandI’llgoeasyonyoutonight.
Me:WhatifIdon’twantyoutogoeasyonme,bigguy?
Bear:How.Wet.Are.You?
Me:Sodrenched,you’dbeabletosliderightin.
Garrettleapstohisfeet,accidentallyshovingAdamoutofthebooth.“Bathroom!”heshouts.“Gottago.Pee.Bye.Seeya.”
Isuppressmylaughashedashesoff,andtherestoftheguysfollowtograbmoredrinks.They’renotgonemorethanthirtysecondswhenatall,leanmanwithdarkcurlsapproaches,hisdeepbrowneyesfriendlyandsetonme.Nervespullatmyskin,andIcrossonelegovertheother,busyingmyselfwithmydrink.
“Hithere,”hesays,stoppingattheedgeofthebooth.“I’m—”
“OhmyGod!”Oliviacomesalive,clappingherhands.“You’reAlejandroPerez!”Shesqueals,fistsshakingbeneathherchin.“Jennie,he’sthe—”
“MidfielderfromtheVancouverWhitecaps,”Alejandrofinishes,laughing.
“Sosorry.I’mfangirlingabit.Iplayedsoccergrowingupand—”
“Soccer?”Carasipsherdrink.“ThankGod.YousaidmidfielderandIwaslike,‘Ihaven’theardofthathockeypositionbefore.Whichoneofourguysplaysit?’”
Alejandro’sstillgrinning.He’sgotagreatone,wideandtoothy,butit’snotgoofyandlopsidedlikeGarrett’s.Heholdshishandout,andIslipmineinsimplybecauseIdon’tknowwhatelsetodo.“Andwhoareyou?”
“Jennie,”Ianswerquietly,meetingGarrett’scuriousgazeasheapproaches.
“Excuseme.”HestepsbetweenmeandAlejandro,slidinginnexttome,extraclose.
“Oh.”Alejandroexaminestheproximityofourbodies.“Areyoutwo…?”
IlookatGarrett.Helooksatme.It’sCarawhoanswersthequestion.
“No,ourJenniehereissingleasaPringle.Isn’tthatright,Gare-Bear?”
Garrett’sgazelingersbeforehedropsit,sippinghiswater,andIdon’tknowwhy,butwhenhemurmurs,“Right,”mystomachdips,heavywithdisappointment.
“Cool.”Alejandroextendshishand.“Hey,you’reGarrettAndersen,right?Right-wingerfortheVipers?I’mabigfan.”
Garrettshakeshishand,givinghimasmilethatseemsalittletighttome.“Rightback’atcha.TheguysandIalreadyhaveticketsforyourhomeopener.”
“Righton.Weshouldgrabsomedrinksafterward.”BeforeGarrettcanrespond,Alejandroturnshisattentionbacktome.Ishiftinmyseat,notwantingit,notusedtoit.“AndIwashopingtobuyyouadrinkrightnow,Jennie.”
“Oh…”Uncomfortableheatpricklesmyneck.“Idon’tdrink.”
“Watercountsjustfine.”
“Yeah,Jennie,”Carapipesup.“Watercountsjustfine.”
Iflashherawarninglook,andshefoldsherlipsintohermouth.Olivia’swatchingmewithanindecipherableexpression,gazeflickeringtoGarrett,whofeelslikeicebesideme.Idon’twanthimtofeellikeice;Ilikewhenhe’swarmlikesunshine.
Iclearmythroat,steelmyspine,andsmileupatAlejandro.“Thankyoufortheoffer,butI’mnotinterested.”
“Notinterestedingeneral,ornotinterestedinme?”
Myeyescoastthebarforsomethingtosaytoshutthisdownquickly.Icatchsightoftheboysreturningwithdrinks,mybrotherleadingthewaywithwhatlookslikeanextremelyostentatioushelpingofblueandpinkcottoncandysittingatopaglassofchampagne,andIcanguessthat’stheonlyreasonheorderedit.“Truthbetold,I’mnotreallylookingtoexpandmypoolofprofessionalathletes.I’vealreadygotanoverprotectiveoneonretainerasmybigbrother.”
“Ollie,look!Thisdrinkcamewithcottoncandy!”Cartershovessaidcottoncandyinherface,thenripsapieceoffandeatsit.HiseyeswidenwhenheseesAlejandro.“Ohhey!Perez!”
AlejandrolooksfromCartertome.“Jesus,youtwoarenearlyidentical.HowdidImissthat?”
Cartersitswithachuckle.“Yeah,Jenniegetsherstrikinglygoodlooksfromme.”
ImaynotwantAlejandro’sattention,butwhenhepullsupachairnexttoCarterandeveryonebecomesquickfriends,astrangesenseofdisappointmentwashesoverme,mixedwithdéjàvu.
Ihadhisattention,andnowCarterdoes,andthat’sjustthewaylifegoeswhenyourbrotheristhecaptainofanNHLteam.
Forcingmydrinktomylips,Itakeasip,thefingersofmyfreehandplayingwithmysoggynapkininmylap.Abighandcoversmine,pullingthenapkinfreeandsettingitonthetable.Asecondlater,Garretttuckshispinkycarefullyaroundmine,andsomethinginsidemesettles.
I’vegottheonlyattentionIwant.
Forty-fiveminutes,severaldirtytexts,onedancewithAdam,twowithCara,andavirgincottoncandydrinklater,I’mhidingoutinthebathroom.It’sbecomingimpossiblenottolookatGarrett,andhispinkyhookedaroundminebelowthetableisn’tenoughanymore.I’mhotandhungry,dyingtogetoutofhereandgohome,wherewecanfinallysayaproperhello.
Ipatmyneckwithacool,dampclothandsighbeforeheadingoutintothedarkhallway.
Strongfingerswraparoundmywrist,tuggingmeintoahiddenalcove.Mypulsethunders,afieryheatspreadingthroughmylowerbellyasmybackispressedtoahard,broadchest.Awarmhanddipsbelowthehemofmyshirt,glidingovermytorso.Softlipstouchmyexposedshoulder.
“Youhavegoosebumps,”Garrettwhispers.
“Becauseyouscaredthecrapoutofme,youdink.”Thewordsendinamoanwhenhismouthopensonmyneck.Whenhisnameslipsoutofmymouthonawhimper,hishandcoversit.
“Shh,sunshine.MakeanymorenoiseandIwon’tbeabletogetwhatIcameoverherefor,andIgottatellya,Ican’twaitanotherminute.”Hecapturesmyjawinhishand,turningmyfacetohis,showingmethehungrydarknessthatglintsinhiseyes.
Andthenhismouthtakesmine.
It’severythingIwantittobe:starved,possessive,wet,hot.God,it’ssohot.Butmorethanthat,it’s…wistful.Yearning.Reverent
Hemissedme.MaybeasmuchasImissedhim.
Asiftoprovemypoint,hepullsback,restinghisforeheadagainstminewithagentlesigh.“Imissyou.”Presenttense,notpast.
Ithreadourfingerstogether.“I’mrighthere.”
“Iknow,butI’vebeenbusywithhockey,andyouwithdanceandsmellySimon.I’mjustgrumpy’causeIfeellikeI’montime-out.”
“Wellthen,youmust’vebeenabadboy.”
“Sobad,”hemurmurs,mouthtakingmineagainwithalowgrowl.Hepushesmeagainstthewallandcastsaglanceoverhisshoulderbeforehisfingersdanceupmyfront,wrappinglightlyaroundmythroat.“I’mgonnatakeyouhomeandfuckyoursoakingwetpussywithIndianaBones.ThenI’mgonnalickyoucleanandmakeyoucomealloveragain,thistimeonmytongue.”
Oh,Jesus.
“Gotit?”
Iswallow,nodding,andadeepachesettlesbetweenmylegsasGarretttrailshisnosedownmyneck,thenbackuptomyear.
“Useyourwords,sunshine.Iknowyouhavethem.”
Mytonguedragsacrossmylips,desperatetotastehimagain.“Yes.”
“Goodgirl.”Hepresseshimselfagainstme,lettingmefeeltheweightofhisownneed.“Now,let’sgobacktothetableandyoucanpretendlikeyouhatemestill.”
“YoulikewhenIpretendtohateyou.”
“Yeah.”Hepopsaquickkisstomycheek,thenstuffshishanddownhispantstoadjustthatgloriouslump,hissing.“Itturnsmeonwhenyou’resassytome.”
Igiggle,butitdoesn’tlast.
Infact,itdiesquicklywhenmyeyesmeetthosewidehazeloneswatchingus.
Jaxonstandsbeforeus,gazepinballingbetweenGarrettandme,jawgettingcloserandclosertotheground.Hegrinssuddenly,butit’soneofthoseterrified,awkwardones,allbright,clenchedteeth.
“Uh…”Heclearshisthroatandclapshisfistintohisoppositehand.“So,um,Iheardthat…”
“Ohno.”Icovermytremblingmouthwithmyhands.“No.”Tearsfillmyeyes,readytospill.“Carter’sgoingtokillme.”
“Oh.Ohfuck.No.”Jaxonwaveshishandserratically.“Fuck,no,pleasedon’tcry.Iwon’t—Iwon’ttellhim.Ipromise.Pleasedon’tcry.”HelookstoGarrettforhelpbeforesqueezingbothmyshoulders.“Hey,it’sokay.Yoursecret’ssafewithme,Jennie,really.And,uh…”HisgazefallstoGarrett’scrotch.“Iwon’ttelleveryoneyounamedyourjunkafterIndianaJones.Ihaven’theardthatonebefore.It’s…new.”
Isniffle,wipingatmyeyes.“Thanks,Jaxon.You’reagoodfriend.”
Wewatchhimleave,andwhenhedisappears,Garrettraiseshisfist.
“Goodcallonthetears.”
Ibumpmyfistoffhis.“Gets’emeverytime.”CHAPTER27DISNEYLANDVS.INDIANABONESJENNIE
“WhatdidIsay?”
Mybackhitsthewallwithathud,Garrett’shazyeyestrackingmine.They’remorebluethangreentonight,darkandalittledaunting,likeanangrysea,turningmybreathshallow,settingmybodyablaze.
Iletmytongueglideslowlyacrossmybottomlip,enjoyingthewayGarrett’spulsedrumsinhisneckashewatches.“Thatyoumissedme.”
Hegrowls,takinganothersteptowardme.“No.”
“Youdid,”Iargue,pushinghimalittlebitfurther.IwanttoseehowfarIcantakehimwithoutmakinghimsnap.OrmaybeIdowanthimtosnap.Eitherwayit’sgoingtobefun.“Itwasrathersweet,Garrett.”Istrokemyfingersdownthesideofhisfaceandkisshisjaw,smilingagainstthelightlayerofscruffwhenhischestrumbles.“You’rejustasoft,gooeycinnamonroll.”
Garrettshovesmeharderagainstthewall,takesbothmywristsinonehand,andpinsthemovermyhead,hisotherhandatmythroat,fingerspressing.I’vedoneit.I’veunlockedhim.
“Youlikepissingmeoff.”
“Don’tberidiculous,Garrett.Iloveit.”
Hereleasesmythroatandtrailsonebroadfingertipacrossthewaistofmyjeans.“Ifuckinghatethesejeans.”
“Imight,too,ifmynamewasonthecreditcardthatpaidforthem.Theywereexpensiveafterall,andIboughtthreepairs.”
Athroaty,darkchuckleleaveshislips.“ThenIhavetwopairstodestroy.”
“Don’tyoudare,”Iwarnlowly.Myasslooksdivineinthesejeans;thewaybothGarrettandJaxoncan’tevertaketheireyesoffitwhenIwearthemaroundthosetwotellsmeso.
Withhisgazefixedonmine,Garrettslipshishandbelowthewaistofthetightdenimandjerksmyhipsforward.“Thentheyneedtobeonthefuckingfloor,becausethat’stheonlywayIlikethem.”
Myfingertipsdanceuphisbiceps,overhisbroadchest,sinkingintohishairasIbrushmylipsoverhis.“ThenIguessyoubettergettowork,Andersen.”
IleavehiminmyentrywayasIsaunterdownthehall,strippingmyshirtoffontheway,castingalingeringglanceovermyshoulderwhenIditchitbehindme.Thejeansarenext,andIhangthemoffthetipofmypointerfingerbeforedroppingthemoutsidemybedroomdoor.Finally,Garrettkickshisassintohighgear,butnotfastenoughtocatchmebeforeIdisappearintotheattachedbathroom.
I’mnotdoingathinginhereotherthanadmiringthewaymybodylooksinmymatchingbraandpantyset,satinandlacethecolorofemeralds.I’vegainedalittleweightinthetimeI’vespentwithGarrett,somethingthatwould’vesentmeonathree-weekspiralyearsago.Buttoday,Ipalmmyboobs,enjoyingtheheavinesstothem,peekatmyselfinthemirror,lovingthecheekyfitofmyassinthesepanties.
Irunmyfingersthroughmybraid,breakingupthethickwavesuntilmyhairisafluffymessaroundmyshoulders,andIcan’twaitforGarretttoworshipme.
I’vesaiditbeforeandI’llsayitagain:theman’sgotthemostincrediblehockeyass.Hestandssocasuallyashewaitsforme,thesleevesofhisbutton-downfoldednearlyuptohiselbows,taperedpantssnugaroundhisleanwaist,perfectbutt,andthickthighs.
Heturnstowardme,pupilsdilating,throatworkingasIclosethespacebetweenus.
“Sohandsome,”Imurmur,wrappinghistiearoundmyfist,givingitatug.Hecomestumblingforward,grippingmybicepsforbalance.Idropthesilktietoourfeetandworkthebuttonsofhisshirt.“Willyoufuckmeinyoursuitoneday?”
Hiseyeswiden,fingertipsdiggingintomyskin.Ilikewhenwedothisflip-flopthing,tradingoffontheboldandtheshy.Wedoitsoeffortlessly,likewewerealwaysmeanttocomplementeachother.
“Garrett?”Mypalmsglideoverhischestandshoulders,slippinghisshirtoffuntilitdissolvestoapuddleontheground.“Iaskedyouaquestion.”
“I’lldowhateverthefuckyouwantmetodo,Jennie.”
Ismile,looseninghisbeltbuckle,pullinghiszipperdown.Whenmypalmclosesaroundhiscockthroughhisboxersandhegroans,mychestsurgeswithpride.
“Goodboy,”Imurmur,lettinghispantspoolaroundhisankles.Ipushmyhandsdownthebackofhisboxers,feelingthewayhisassflexesundermytouchbeforeIdropthem,too,totheground.“Garrett?”
“Yeah?”
“Iwantyoutositdown.”
“I—”
Palmonhiscollarbone,Ishovehimtotheedgeofthebed.Hislipspart,tonguerunningacross,eyesfixedonmeasIstandbetweenhislegs.Itakehishand,grazingmybellywithhisfingers.
“Wanttotouch?Orwatch?”
Heswallows.“Cantheanswerbeboth?”
Igigglequietly.“No.Itcan’t.”
Iopenmybedsidedrawer,fingersflutteringovermyfavoriterainbowbeforewrappingaroundtheoneI’mlookingfor.Garrettsaidhewantedtofuckmewiththis,butIwanttoshowhimhowIcanfuckmyselfwithit.
HisbreathstutterswhenIturnbacktohim.“Jennie,I—ho-lyfuck.”HedragshishandsdownhisfaceinslowmotionwhenIslapthesuctioncupbasetothefloor,rightbetweenhislegs.“Areyougonna—you’renotgonna—rightthere?Ohmy—I-I-I-I—IthinkI’mbroken.Short-circuiting.Putmeinrice.IsitagoodtimeorabadtimetotellyouIloveyou?”Helaughsanxiously.“Holy-fuck-shitIthinkIreallyloveyourightnow.”
MyGod,he’sthemostendearing,adorable,andlovablehumanI’veeverencountered.Nobodymakesmesmilelikehedoes.
Thebragoesfirst,satinstrapsslippingoffmyshoulders,droppingtoGarrett’slapbeforeIhookmythumbsinmypantiesandshimmythemovermyhips
HeclutchesmyunderweartohischestasIguidehislegswider,andwhenIhitthepoweronIndianaBones,makinghimdance,Garrett’shandclosesaroundmine,stoppingme.
“Doyouneedlubeorsomething?”
Iguidehishandbetweenmylegs,swipinghisfingersthroughmycenter,whereI’mabsolutelydrenched.Hegroans,andwhenIlifthisglisteningfingers,Iask,“Whatdoyouthink,Garrett?”BasedonthestrangledsobthatleaveshislipswhenIslowlysuckhisfingersintomymouth,Ithinkhemightbedying.“DoIneedlube?”
“No,”hecroaks.
“No,”Iagree,collectingmywetnessonthetipsofmyfingers,strokingslowlyovermytoy,coatingit.
OnmykneesbetweenGarrett’slegs,IguidetheheadofthecocktowhereIwantthismanbeforememost.EverythoughtleavesmybrainasIeasemyselfdownthelengthofit,moaningasitstretchesme.
“Jesusfuckingfuckballs.”Garrett’sfingernailsbiteintothefleshofhisthighs.“I-I-I—I’minheaven.I’mdead.AmIdead?”
God,it’ssodeep,andwhenitpulsesinsideme,hittingthatspot,Ifalltowardhislap,grippinghisthighs,cryingout.“Garrett.”
“OhmyGod.I’mnotdead.”Hefistsmyhair,eyeswildasIpickmyselfupanddrop,againandagain,slowly,enjoyingeveryachingsecondofit.“Howthefuckareyoureal?”
Findingmyrhythm,IwrapmyfistaroundGarrett’seagercock.Gazeslocked,Idragmytonguealongtheundersideofhisrock-hardlengthbeforeIswallowthetip,andmymouthslidesdown,down,untilhiscockhitsthebackofmythroat.
Garrett’sheadlollsbackashewhimpers,andwhenherightsitagain,largehandsbracketmyfaceashestaresdownatme,watching.“Youareagoddamnmasterpiece.”
I’mnotsureI’veeverwantedsomethingasmuchasIwanttogivemyselftoGarrett.I’vegivenhimpieces;nowIwanthimtohavetherest.
It’sbeenonmymindforawhile.ButI’veneverbeensureIwasready,andthattoldmeIwasn’t.Andthatwasokay.Hedidn’tneedanythingelsefromme,onlywhatIwaswillingtogive.Foronceinmylife,Iwasenough.
I’veneverbeenenoughforanyoneexceptmyself.Garrettchangesallofthat.IneverknewhowmuchIneededsomeonelikehimuntilIfoundhim,andIdon’tthinkherealizeshowgratefulIamtohavehim.
SoI’mgoingtoshowhim.
Myfingersfindmyclit,circlingslowlyasIridethecockbelowme.CuppingGarrett’sballsinmyfreehand,Imassagethemlightly,andwithahiss,hejerkshishipsforward.Hiscockslidesdownthebackofmythroat,makingmegag,andIsmileupathim.
Garrettgroans,fingersplowingthroughmyhair,grippingitinhisfists.“Don’tyoufuckinglookatmelikethatwhileyou’vegotmycockinyourmouth.”
Ireleasehimwithapop,andlickthecornerofmywetmouth.“Orwhat?”
“OrI’llshowyouexactlywhatitfeelsliketobefuckedbymewhenyou’rebeingafuckingbrat.”
Grippingthebaseofhiscock,Ipumpslowly,holdinghisgazeasIlickalanguidstrokealongit,swirlingaroundthetipashehissesaboveme.Myhipsrockbackandforward,grinding.IfeellikeI’mglowingfromtheinsideout.“Isthatsupposedtobeathreat,bigguy?”
Ohhello,angryGarrett.I’vehitthejackpot.
OnesecondI’mbetweenhislegswithhiscockinmymouth,andthenexthe’sbehindme,onehanddiggingintomywaist,theothergraspingmywriststightlybehindmyback.
Heholdsmestill,keepingmefullbutstoppingmefromchasingmyhigh.Iwhimper,squirming,desperateforrelief.
Histeethgrazemyear,warmbreathsendingashiverofdesiredownmyspine.“What’sthematter,sunshine?Youwannacome?”
“Icanmakemyselfcome.”
“Yousurecan.ButwhenI’mhere,Imakeyoucome.”Aroughhandsqueezesmybreast,thumbscrapingacrossmynipplebeforehisfingersdancedownmystomach,findingthattightnubthatalwayswantsGarrett’sattention.Softlipstouchmyshoulder.“Thedaywefuckisgoingtobelikelightning,Jennie.I’mgonnalightupyourentiresky,thesamewayyoudomine.”
There’sthattightnessinmychestagain,theonethat’sbeentherefornearlyamonthnow.ItsqueezesalittlehardereverytimeI’mwithGarrett.Idon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.IwanttotellhimhowIfeel,toaskhimwherewegofromhere.BecauseIdon’tknow.Thisisallsonewtome,andIfeelinexperienced,overwhelmed.ThetruthisI’mfuckingscared.
Scaredthesexwon’tsatisfyhim.Scaredhe’llgetbored.Scareditwon’tworkandwewon’tbeabletostayfriends.Scareditwillwork,butsomebodywon’tlikeit.
I’mtiredofbeingscared.Ijustwanttobehappy.
Garrett’schincomestorestgentlyonmyshoulder,hishandonmyjawasheturnsmyfacetohis.Hesmiles,sohandsomeIthinkmychestmightbreakwideopen.
“Hi,”hewhispersagainstmylips.“Ihopeyouknowyou’rebeautiful.”Hekissesthetipofmynose,theappleofmycheek,downmyneck,andalongmyjaw.Hestopsatmyear,andmynerveendingsdancewhenhegripsmychin,holdingmethere.“ButI’mstillgonnashowyouwhatitfeelsliketopissmeoff.”
Withapunishingholdonmyhips,heslamsmedownontherubbercock.Ifallforwardwithascream,clawingatthefloor,andhischestvibrateswithasinistergrowl.Thenhisopenpalmhitsmyass,andwhenIcome,Iscreamalloveragain.
“That’sagoodfuckinggirl,”hemurmursdarklyashemaneuversmybody,pushingandpulling,takingandgiving.JesusChrist,doesthemanevergive.Fingerswraparoundmythroat,yankingmeuptohim,holdingmeagainsthissolidchestasheworksmeover,thrusting,plunging,driving.“Ican’twaittoseehowperfectlyyoufitmycock.Can’twaittoseeyourbeautifulfacethefirsttimeIcomeinsideyou.”
Atinglestartslowinmybelly,spreadinglikewildfirethrougheveryfiberasmyvisionblurs.Iwritheinhisgraspasasecondorgasmbarrelstowardmehead-on,andwhenhewhispers“Comeforme”inmyear,hedoesexactlywhathepromisedtodo:makesmyskyexplode.
Fluorescentcolorsstreakacrossmyfieldofvision,lightingmyworld.Mywordsdissolveuntilthey’renothingbutgarbled,nonsensesobs,andIcollapseagainstGarrett’sbody.
Hesweepsmeintohisarmsandstands,carryingmetotheshowerwherehewashesmetenderlybeneaththewarmspray.Ican’tfinditinmetospeakasingleworduntilwe’rewrappedinblanketsonmylivingroomcouchtwentyminuteslater,eatingbowlsofCornPopswithmybackagainsthischest.
“Igotmyticketforyourrecital.”
Ispin,nearlyknockinghisbowlontomyownhead.“Youdid?”
“Mhmm.Can’twait.”
I’mexcitedtoo.Allmyfavoritepeoplewillbethere,watchingfromtheaudience,andGarrett’smyfavoriteofall.
“Iknowwe’regoingfordinnerafterwardtocelebratewitheveryone—”
“ForCarter’sbirthday,”Iclarify.
Garrettrollshiseyes.“Hesaystocelebrateyou;yousaytocelebratehim.Ithinkwecancelebrateyouboth.”
“Beckett’sdon’tsharecenterstage,Garrett.”
Hechucklessoftlyandtakesmybowlafterhesetshisdown,drainingthemilk.“Well,Iwasthinkingmaybewecoulddosomethingafterward.Justthetwoofus.”
“Wealwaysdosomethingwithjustthetwoofus.”
“Right.Butthiswouldbedifferent.”Hisgazebouncesaway,thenback.
“Differenthow?”
“Idonno.”Heliftsashoulder.“Special.”
“Specialhow?”
Histhroatworksandhiseyestrackthelockofmyhairthathetwirlsaroundhisfinger.
“Specialhow,Garrett?”
“Likeadate,maybe.ForValentine’sDay.Ifyouwant.”
“IfIwant?”Myheartgallops,agrinblooming.“Doyouwant?”
Helickshislips,tentativegazemeetingmine,andnods.“Yeah.Iwant.”Heclearshisthroatandgoesforit:wordvomit,myfavoriteofhisspecialties.“Iknowit’stwoweeksaway,butIleaveintwodaysforanotherroadtrip,andthenI’monlyhomeforonenight,andweflyhomeagainthedaybeforetherecital,sothere’snotmuchtimebeforehand,andIknowIsaidsomethingspecialbutwecan’treallygoanywherebecauseit’sasecretandallthatbutIthoughtmaybewecouldjustmakeitspecial,likeifwebothdon’torderdessertattherestaurantwecouldhaveittogetherinsteadandsetupapicnicorsomething,maybewithcandlesandpillowsandIdonno,andyoudon’thavetogetmeagiftoranything,butIthoughtmaybeitwouldbeniceto,like…”Heinhalesashakybreathandletsitgo.“Havearealdate.”Hescratcheshistempleandwinces.“Thatwasrough,wasn’tit?”
“Itwasterrible,”Iconfirm.“ButIthinkIcansqueezeyouin.”
Hiseyesflitdowntomine,faceflushwithcolor,andhesmiles.“Yeah?”
Ismiletoo.“Yeah.”
“Grool.”Hecringes.“Holyfuck.IdidtheMeanGirlsthing.Istartedtosaygreatbutfinishedwithcool.”
Snickering,Iturn,slingingmyarmsaroundhisneck.“You’retired.Youneedtosleep.”
Hesighs,squeezingmyass.“You’reright.”
Irolloffhim,takingthebowlstothekitchen.IfindGarrettatthedoor,slippinghisshoesonanddoinguphispants.
“You’regoing?”
Helooksup,halting.“Ithought…”
“No,that’scool.Justasking.”
“’CauseyousaidIshouldsleep,”heexplains.
“Right.Idid.”
“SoIshouldprobably—”
“Doyoumaybewanna—”
“Oh.”Garrett’sbrowslift.“Wereyousayingsomething?”
“No.No,definitelynot.”Iwavemyhandsaround,extraflail-ytodistractfromthefactthatIhavenoideawhatI’mdoing.“You’releaving.”
“Imean…”Herubsthebackofhisneck.“Unlessyouweregonnasay…?”
“Who,me?”Ipointatmyself.Yep,definitelyturningintoGarrett.“Iwasn’tgonnasayanything.”
Garrett’sheadbobsslowly.“Great.Cool.GuessI’ll…leavethen.”
Igrin.“Grool.”
Hislaughismyfavorite,ahearty,warmsound,andwhenhetowsmeintohimwithafistfulofmyshirt,thewaveofemotionsthathitsmeistrulystaggering.
“Grool,”hewhispersagainstmylips.“Sogrool.”CHAPTER28RULES?WHATRULES?GARRETT
“That’sgame,boys.”Isweepmyhandoverthetable,gatheringthecards.
Carterflipshisupsidedownandcrosseshisarms,scowling.“It’sfuckingbullshitiswhatitis.”
“Youknowwhattheysay,”Imurmur.“Youhavetolearntolosebeforeyoucan—”
“IfyoutellmeIneedtolearnhowtoloseinordertoappreciatewinning,I’lltossyouoffthisfuckingairplane.”
“Oh,soOliviacansayit,butIcan’t?Doublefuckingstandards.”
“Oliviacansayanythingshewants!She’sgrowingmybabyandsuckingmydick!”
“Carter,”Adammumblesaroundhissandwich,notlookingupfromthebookinhisotherhand.“Stopbeingasoreloser.”
“I’mnotasoreloser,”hegrumbles,slumpinginhisseat.
“Youare.”JaxonandIjustsmokedCarterandEmmettineuchrethreetimesinarow.Itwasonlysupposedtobeonegame,andthentwo,and,well…youknowCarter.“Youcan’tbethebestateverything.”
Cartertoesatthebottomofmyseat.“Emmett’splayinglikeshit.”
“Hey!”Emmettglancesupfromhisphone.Thismightbethefirsttimehe’srealizedthegamehasended.“Ihaven’tseenmywifeinfivedaysandshe’ssendingmeverydetailedtextsabouthowshe’sgoingtowelcomemehometonight.”Hisphonedings,hiseyesturnferal,andhestandsabruptly.“I,uh…Igotta…go.Takealeak.”
Carterstandsnext,stretchinghisarmsoverheadwithayawn.“I’mgonnagotoo.WannasextOlliebeforeIcrashfortherestofthisflight.NeedsomeenergysoIcanrockherworldwhenIgethome.Pregnancy’smakinghersuperhorny.She’shardtokeepupwithsomedays.”Hechucklesquietly,afar-offlookinhiseyes.“Theotherdayshewokemeupbys—”
“Stop.”Adamholdshissandwichuplikeashield.“Forfuck’ssake,Carter,juststop.Wedon’twannaknow,andOliviadoesn’twantustoknow;trustmeonthat.”
Carterpullsaface,gatheringupthewrappersfromhisstress-eatingwhenhewaslosing.HejabsAdam’sbook.“Youneedtogetlaid.Ifyouneedsometips—”
“Idon’t.”
“Yousure?WordonthestreetisIknowhowtotalktotheladies.”
Adamflipsapageinhisbook.“AndhowOlliegotsolucky,we’llneverknow.”
“Whatbookyoureadingtoday?”IaskasCarterdisappears.
Adamflashesmethecover,andJaxonandIlaugh.TheSubtleArtofNotGivingaF*ck.
“Whatdoyouwannanotgiveafuckaboutanymore?”
“Idonno.Nothing.Everything.Idonno.”Hedropsthebooktohischestandsighs.“ShouldIsayfuckittodating?ShouldIjusttakewhatallthegirlsseemtobeoffering?”
Ishakemyhead,shufflingthecards.“Nah,youdon’twannadothat.It’snotyou.”
“Maybeitshouldbe.I’mnotlookingtofuckaroundandhurtanyone’sfeelings.Butnoneofthemgiveafuckaboutme,sowhydoIgivesomany?”
“’Causeyou’reagoodguy,”Jaxonsays.“Andyou’renottheno-strings-attached-fuckingkindaguy.That’sme,andwhileIdoenjoyitandnormallyhighlyrecommendit,Idon’tthinkit’dbeyourscene.”
Adam’sfingersplungeintohiscurls.“Idon’treallythinkitiseither.”
Ichuckle.“Thenwhyareyouconsideringit?”
Hepullshisdark-framedreadingglassesoffandrubshiseyes.“IguessI’mnotreally.MaybeI’mjustgivingupthedatingfight.Allit’sdoingismakingmefeellonelier.”
“Sotakeabreak.You’refillingyoursparetimewiththekidsatthehome,andyou’reenjoyingthat,right?”
Hissmileisinstantaneous.“Ireallyam.It’ssocooltobepartofthereasonsomeofthesekidsarecomingoutoftheirshells.”
“Thenfocusonthatforawhile.Spendtimedoingwhatmakesyouhappy.Iknowyouwanttomeetsomeone,butyou’renothavingfundoingitrightnow.Revisitinacouplemonths.”
Adamrollshisbottomlip,thennods.“Whendidyougetsowise?”
Thetruthis,talkingtoJenniehelps.I’malwaystryingtoshowherthatIunderstand,andIlikehelpingherfindherwaythroughtotheothersideofherproblems.ButIcan’ttellAdamthat,soItellhimtheothertruth.
“Ihavethreehighlyemotionallittlesisterswhofightovereverything.SometimesIneedtobewise.”AndsometimesI’mcluelesswhenIshouldbewise,likelastweekwhenIthinkJenniewastryingtoaskmetostayover.
Thinkingaboutherlatelyhasbeenhard.Betweenhockeyandrecitalrehearsals,ourscheduleshavebeenclashing.Late-nightchatsaren’tanoptionwithAdamasmyroommate.I’mluckytogetfiveminutestoseeherfaceorhearhervoice.
She’stheonlypersonIwanttospendmyonenighthomewith,soIshootoffaquicktext.
Me:Homeinanhour.Comeover?
Sunshine:Becauseyoumissme?
Me:BecauseIwantablowjob.
Sunshine:Tellthetruth,Gare-Bear.Idon’thangwithliars.Ionlyhangwithgroolboys.
She’snotlettingthatwholegroolincidentgo,butthejoke’sonher.Myfavoritejokesaretheoneswesharetogether.
Me:Fine.Imissu&Iwantablowjob.Pleasecomeover.
Sunshine:And?
Me:AndI’dliketohugubecauseit’sbeen5days.Pleasecomeover.
Me:AndI’lltickleurback.Pleasecomeover.
Me:AndI’llfeedu.Pleasecomeover.
Me:Please.Please.Please.
Sunshine:OMGnoneedtobesodesperate.I’malreadyhereanyway.
I’mabouttoaskherwhatshemeans,whenaphotoofhersnuggledinmybedcomesthrough.She’sgotaPop-Tartbetweenherteethandshe’smakingthepeacesignwithherfreehand,chestnuthairsplayedovermypillow.Ican’twaittojoinherthere,andifI’mreallylucky,I’llgettokeepherallnightlong.
Sunshine:Yoursheetsaremagicalandyou’vegotbettersnacks.Icametoeatandnap.WasgonnasurpriseyouatyourdoorwearingnothingbutmyhairribbontiedaroundmynecklikethegiftIam.
JesusChrist,I’mneverlettinghergo.
“Whoareyoutexting?”
“J—”Myfingershalt.Mygazeslowlyrises,findingAdamwithonebrowarchedwhilehewaitsformetofinishthatJname.“—axon.Jaxon.”Iclearmythroat.“Riley.JaxonRiley.”Shut.Up.Garrett.
“You’retextingJaxonwhilehe’ssittingacrossfromyou?”
MygazeslidestoJaxon.Hewaits,handsfoldedonthetablebetweenus,phonenowhereinsight.Fuckit,it’sworthashot.“Yes?”
“Garrett,”Adamwarnsunderhisbreath.“IsweartoGod,ifthat’sJennie—”
“Shejust—shejust—she-she-she…no,shejustneedsarideto…I’mnot…it’snot…”Igiveup,rakingmyhandsupanddownmyface.“Aaah.”
“Aw,c’mon!”Adamtosseshisbooktotheseatnexttohim,buryinghisfaceinhishands.“Garrett,no!Youpromiseditwasonlytheonetime!”
“Well,Adam,Ilied!”
Hegasps,expressionholdingallthebetrayalIexpected.
“I’msorry.Ididn’twanttolietoyou,butIcouldn’ttellyou.Youwould’vemademestop.”
“BecauseIdon’twanttolosemybestfriends!”hewhisper-yells,checkingthatnooneislisteningotherthanJaxon,who’ssnickeringlikeafuckingdonkey.“You’dbesixfeetdeep,andCarterwouldbeinjailforputtingyouthere!”
“Stopyellingatme!”Ishoutbackundermybreath.“Idon’tlikeit!”
“Fuckme.Idon’tevenknowwhatto…to…fuck.”HegesturesatJaxon.“Youknewaboutthis?”
Jaxonholdshishandsup.“Hey,IaccidentallysawsomethingIneverwantedtosee.Andthenshecriedand—”
“Ohc’mon,”Adamscoffs.“Shecried?No,sheplayedyoulikeadamnfiddle,that’swhatshedid.She’sagoddamnBeckett,Riley.Getyourheadinthegame.”
“Damn,he’sharshwhenhe’smad.ButIthinkIknowwhenagirlisfakecrying.”WhenIgrin,hebalks.“Fuck,she’sgood.”
“Youcan’ttellCarter,”Ipleadwiththem.“Please.”
“Tellhimwhat?”Jaxonglancesoverhisshoulder.Carter’seightrowsaheadofus,seatreclined,headphoneson,Olivia’sfaceonhisiPadscreen.“Thatyou’refuckinghisbabysister?”
“No,it’snotlikethatanymore.Imean,itwas.”Isqueezemyeyesshut,headwagging.“No,we’re…wehaven’t,uh…”
Jaxon’sbrowsskyrocket.“Youhaven’tfuckedher?”
“Wedo…otherstuff.”WhatamIdoing?Thisdoesn’tfeelright.
“Right.Forfun?”
Adam’sjawdrops.“Friendswithbenefits?No.Notwithherofallpeople,Garrett.”
“No.Imean,yes.Imean,Idonno?”Irubthebackofmyneck.“Itstartedthatway,justfun,withrulessoitdidn’tgetserious…”
Jaxonhums.“Andnowyouwannafucktherules.”
Idon’twantwhatIwantedbefore.Thelimitedtime,thelackofstrings,thefreedomtoleavewheneveritsuitedeitherofus,thefuckingrules.AndIhatethatI’mtellingsomeoneelsebeforeItellJennie.
“Ireallylikeher,”Iwhisper.Thewordstastefunny,notbecauseit’sanewrevelation,becauseit’snot.Butbecauseit’sthefirsttimeI’msayingthemoutloud,gettingtobehonestwithsomebodyotherthanmyself.Outoffearoflosingwhatwehave,I’vehadtoswallowthewordsdayafterday,burythemrightalongwithmyintentions,allmyhopes.
Butnowitdoesn’tfeelsohopeless
“Iaskedheroutonaproperdateafterhershowonthefourteenth.Shesaidyes,so…Ithinkshelikesmetoo.Plus,she’s…”MyeyesdrifttoAdam’s.Thehardnesswanes,compassionreturning.“She’smybestfriend.”
Adamstaresforalongmoment.Iknowwhythefearisthere.Thesamereasonit’sthereforme.Hesighs,scrubbinghisface.“Iwantyoutobehappy.SolongasyouknowCarter’sgoingtolosehisshit.”
ThelastthingIeverwanttodoishurtJennie.I’mjustnotsurethatwillbeenoughforCarter.
Jaxonmustsensemydefeat,becauseheinterjects.“Well,yousaidyouhaven’thadarealdateyet.Seehowthatgoesfirst.Youknow,makesureyou’reonthesamepageandeverything.Whenyouknowit’sgoingsomewhere,thenyoucantalktoCarter.Ishereallygoingtoholditagainstyouifyoumakehissisterhappy?”
Ican’tsayIeversawmyselfgettingadvicefromJaxon,orbetteryet,likingit,butitdoesmakesense.Idon’tfeellikeIneedtowaitandseeifthingsbetweenuswillwork,butIdoneedtomakesureit’sastepshe’sreadyfor.Plus,itgivesmealittlemoretime,ratherthantryingtogetCarter’spermissiontodatehissisterinthenextweek.
Afterall,I’dliketoseeJennie’srecital,notlivestreamitfromahospitalbed.
***
Thedoor’snotevenclosedbehindmeandJennie’salreadydancingdownthehallway,boundingintomyarms.
“YouclearlymissedmewaymorethanImissedyou,”Imumbleintoherhair.She’ssoftandwarmassheclingstome,smellinglikecinnamonandcoffee,andalittlelikemylaundry.She’sallmyfavoritethingsrolledintoone.
“Pfft.That’snotevenpossible.You’reobsessedwithme.”Sheslidesdownmybodyandspins,poppingahip.“Besides,I’mtoogrooltomissyouthatmuch.”
“Notgonnaletthatgo,huh,”Imurmur,watchingasshesashaysintomykitchen.“Whatareyouwearing?”
Sheglancesoverhershoulder.“Areyouhavingtroublewithyourvision?”
“I’mhavingtroublewrappingmyheadaroundtheideaofyouloungingaroundmyapartmentinjustyourpantiesandmyT-shirtwhileI’mnotheretoenjoyit.”Shepresentsapizzabox.“Andyouordereddinner?”
“You’realwayshungrywhenyougethome.Itgotheretenminutesago,soit’sstillhot,and—”herlidsflutterclosedassheinhales,“—itsmellssogood.”
Iamhungry.Butnotforthepizza.
IambletowardJennieasshedropsabiteintohermouth,humminghappily.Sheswallows,smiles,andIgripherhips.
“Hi,”Iwhisper,touchingakisstoherlips.“Imissedyou.Waymorethanyoumissedme.”
Shesetstheslicedown,drapingherarmsovermyshouldersasIstartwalkingusdownthehall.Hersmileissohappytonight,eyessolight,tinyflecksofgoldswimminginapoolofblue.
“Ididmissyou.ThebacktickleryougotmeforChristmasisgreat,butnothingbeatsyourfingers.”
“Mmm.Youdolikemyfingers.”
Ipullhershirt—myshirt—off,ditchingitonmybedroomfloor.She’snotwearingabra,andhernipplespebbleundertheheatofmygaze.
Herfingertipsdanceupmytie,findingtheknotatmyneck,playingwithitasshepeersatmefrombeneathdark,sinfullashes.“Thisthingisneverstraight,Garrett,”shemurmurs,slowlypullingtheredsilkfree.Shewindsbothendsaroundherfistsandguidesmyfacedowntohers.“Kissme.”
Cagingherinagainstthewall,Ibracketherchinwithmyfingers,tippingherfacetomine.Hercheeksarealivewithcolor,warmbrownwavesframingherface.
Prettybowedlipspart,breathless.“Whatareyouwaitingfor?”
Idragmythumbacrossherlowerlip.“Justlookingatyou.SometimesIcan’tbelieveyouexist.”
Rightbeforeourlipscanmeet,Ispotsomethingblueonmybed.
“Whatthefuckisthat?”Iturnherheadtowardthesleekdildo,thepiecethatjutsoutnearthebasethatdoestoherclitwhatmymouthlikestodo.“Whereyoumasturbatinginmybed?”
Herlashesflutter,dimplespullinginacheekygrinasshetugsonthetiewrappedaroundherfists.“Whatareyougonnadoaboutit,bigguy?”
Ianswerherwiththatkissshewasbeggingforamomentago,thengentlypryherfingersfromthetie,lettingthesilkslipthroughherhandasIpullitaway.
Takingherhandsinoneofmine,Iwindthesilkaroundherwrists.“Doyoutrustme,Jennie?”
“Yes,”sheanswerswithouthesitation.
“Good.”Iyankontheendsofthetie,instantlytighteningitaroundherwrists,bringingthemtogetherbetweenus.Shegasps.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Thewordsarethickwithwonder,desire.Shewantsthis—her,helpless;me,incontrol—asmuchasIdo.
“Atthemoment?Nothing.”Iforcehertothebedandspreadherlegswide.ShetakesherbottomlipbetweenherteethasIloopthesilkthroughtheheadboard,securingherhandsaboveherhead.“Inaminute?FuckingyourpussyhoweverIplease,untilyouscreammynameloudenoughfortheneighborstohear.”
Herskindotswithgoosebumpsasshequivers,mynamebarelyabreathwhenitleaveshermouth.
“Mmm,somethinglikethat.”Idragthepadofmythumbuptheseamofherlegs,whereadark,wetspotdecoratesthepalepinkcotton.Heatpoursout,andsheliftsherhipsoffthebed,desperateformore.“Butawholefuckloadlouder.”
AgasppiercestheairwhenIdipmyhandinside,swipingmyfingersthroughherslit.Jenniejerksforward,strugglingagainstthetie.
“Doesithurt?”Iask.Sheshakesherhead,pantingasIdragherpantiesdownherlegs.Ibendherknee,trailingkissesuptheinsideofherthigh.“Areyouokay?Withthis?OrwouldyoufeelmorecomfortableifIstopped?”
“Oh,”shecries,backarchingwhenInipatthejunctionofherthigh.“More,please.”
Iflickthetipofmytongueoverherswollenclitandtugitgentlybetweenmyteeth.“Answerthequestion,Jennie.”
“God,pleasedon’tstop,Garrett,”shebegswhenIpullaway.“Please.”
Slowly,Ipushtwofingersinsideher,revelinginthewayshesqueezesaroundme.Isuckmyfingersintomymouth,andJennie’seyeshoodasshesquirms,searchingformytouch,beggingforitwithoutwords.
“Fuckin’delicious,sunshine.”
Ireachacrosstherumpledsheets,wrappingmyfingersaroundmyreplacement.ThelittlewandwhirstolifewhenIhitthepowerbutton.Jennieoncetoldmethiswasoneofherfavorites,rightuptherewithIndianaBones.Dualstimulation,shesaid;youcan’tbeatit
“Howmanytimesdidyouusethis?”Iask,draggingtheheadofthetoyupherslit,swirlingitaroundherclit,watchinghershake.
“Once.”
Ipullitaway.
“Threetimes,”shecriesdesperately,andwhenIpushitslowlyinsideher,shemoans,tossingherheadbackinthepillows.“Itwasn’tenough.Nothing’severenoughwhenit’snotyou.”
IlikethosewordsmorethanIcaretoadmit,andwhenIpushthetoyalittlefarther,whenthatcurvedheadhitsthatspotshelikes,shegasps,yankingatthetie.Mythumbcoversthesmalladditiontothetoy,feelingthepowerofthesuction.WhenIfixitoverherclit,Jennie’seyesroll,wordslostinagarbledcry.
Shewrithesandmoans,rockingwiththetoy,pushingherselfintomeasIpullonerosynippleintomymouth.
“Whatwereyouthinkingabout?Whileyouwerefuckingyourself?”
“You,”shesobs,hipsbucking,backarching.Shepullsontheheadboard,tryingtofreeherself.“OhGod,Garrett.”
“Whataboutme?”
Herheadfallsbackward,eyesclosingasasoundripsupherthroatwhenIslowlyremovethetoy,thenplungeitbackinside.“Iwasthinkingabout…youfuckingme.”
“Withmytongue?Ormyfingers?”
Herteethclampdownonherlowerlipassherocksherselfintothetoy.
“Bespecific,Jennie.”
“Withyourcock,”sheyelps.“Iwisheditwasyouinsideme.”
Anglingmybodyoverhers,Iwrapmyfingersaroundherthroat,watchingherfaceassheclimbstowardthatpeak.It’sgettinghardertobegentlewithher.Lately,allIwanttodoisbendherover,fuckhersohardsheforgetsherownname.Riphertopiecesthenputherbacktogether.Iwanthertoscreamthatshe’smine,andIwanthertomeanit.
ButIwanttobeherstoo.
“Howdoyouthinkyou’lllikeit?”MymouthhoversabovehersasIthrustharder,hittingthatspotthatleavesherbreathless.“WhenItakeyou,doyouwantmetodoitslowly?Doyouwantmetobegentle?Sweet?”Ipressmylipstothecornerofhermouthasshepants.“Ordoyouwantmetofuckyouhard?Rough?DoyouwantmetoshowyouhowbadlyIwantyou?HowI’vewantedyouforfuckingages?HowI’vedreamtaboutiteveryfuckingnight?”
Mygazecoastsherface,allthesoftedgesIlove,andwhenIfollowthelineofherarmsuptoherwristsaboveherhead,Ifindherhandsreachingforme.
“Garrett,”shewhimpers,tremblingwhenIreleaseherthroatandlacemyfingersthroughhers,watchingassheteetersalongtheedge.
“Don’tworry.Wecantakeourtime,doitall.IhavenoplansoflettingyouwalkoutthatdooronceIhaveyou.”
Ipullthetoyfrombetweenherlegsbeforedrivingitbackinsideher,andwhenhertoescurlandherbackarches,Itakehermouthwithmine,swallowingmynameasshescreamsit.
Withaswifttugofthetie,Ifreeherfromtheheadboardandflipherover,jerkingherhipsoffthebed,herperfect,roundassintheair.
“I’msofuckingfarfromdonewithyou,sunshine.”
***
I’vehadthisbodywrappedaroundminetoomanytimestocount.Watchedherthicklashesrestagainsthercheekbones,herchestriseandfallsteadilyasshesleeps.I’vefeltthewayherholdonmetightenswhenIshift,andI’vesmiledatthefrownthatpullsatthecornersofhermouthwhenshe’sdreaming,thewayitquirksupwardwhenIbrushthepadofmythumbacrosstheswellofherbottomlip,strokeafingerdownthesideofherface,ortouchmylipstoherforehead.
Andstill,Ihavenoideawhatit’sliketofallasleepwithherinmyarms.Tosleepsoundlywithherlegstangledwithmine.Towakeinthemorningwithherwarmbodystilltuckedintomineandseethewaythesunshinemakesherfaceglowasitbathesherfromthewindow.
I’mtiredofnotknowingwhatit’slike.Idon’twanttodreamaboutitanymore;Iwanttoliveit.
IturntheTVoffandtucktheremoteaway.Jenniestirs,lashesfluttering,blueeyespeeringupatme.Heatrushestohercheekswhenshefindsmewatchingher.
“Whatareyoulookingat?”
Ibrushherhairoffherforehead,tuckingitbehindherear.“You.”
“Why?”
Why?Whythefucknot?She’sbeautiful,mybestfriend.Shemakesmesmilewhenshe’snotevendoingadamnthing,andshelivesrent-freeinmyheadtwenty-fourseven.Whohadanyrightmakingherthismagnificent?
WhenIlookather,athousandemotionsswirlinsideme,andit’shardtochoosejustonetofocuson.IwishIcouldputitintowords,butIdon’tknowhow.
Butthere’sonethingIcando.
Icupherface,coaxinghergazebacktomine.She’snervous,morenervousthanme.ButIdon’twanthertobenervous;Iwanthertobesure.
“Stay,”Iwhisper.“Righthere,withme.Please,Jennie.Staywithme.”
Herwideeyesmovecautiouslybetweenmine.Thatfearbeginstodissipate,leavingmewithadevastatingsmilethatshattersherface,ignitesafireinsidemychest,andwarmsmefromtheinsideout.
“Okay,”Jenniesays.“I’llstay.”
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