Practice Makes Perfect

PracticeMakesPerfectisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsaretheproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,locales,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright?2023bySarahAdams
Allrightsreserved.
PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyDell,animprintofRandomHouse,adivisionofPenguinRandomHouseLLC,NewYork.
DellisaregisteredtrademarkandtheDcolophonisatrademarkofPenguinRandomHouseLLC.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Adams,Sarah,1991–author.
Title:Practicemakesperfect/SarahAdams.
Description:DellTradePaperbackEdition.|NewYork:DellBooks,2023.
Identifiers:lccn2022051990(print)|lccn2022051991(ebook)|isbn9780593500804(tradepaperback)|isbn9780593500811(eBook)
Classification:lccps3601.d3947p732023(print)|lccps3601.d3947(ebook)|ddc813/.6—dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/?2022051990
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/?2022051991
EbookISBN?9780593500811
randomhousebooks.com
Title-pageart:imaginarybo?AdobeStockPhotos
BookdesignbySaraBereta,adaptedforebook
Coverillustrationanddesign:SandraChiu
ep_prh_6.1_143319816_c0_r0Contents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Epigraph
ChapterOne:Annie
ChapterTwo:Annie
ChapterThree:Will
ChapterFour:Annie
ChapterFive:Will
ChapterSix:Will
ChapterSeven:Annie
ChapterEight:Will
ChapterNine:Annie
ChapterTen:Will
ChapterEleven:Annie
ChapterTwelve:Annie
ChapterThirteen:Annie
ChapterFourteen:Will
ChapterFifteen:Annie
ChapterSixteen:Will
ChapterSeventeen:Annie
ChapterEighteen:Will
ChapterNineteen:Will
ChapterTwenty:Annie
ChapterTwenty-one:Annie
ChapterTwenty-two:Will
ChapterTwenty-three:Annie
ChapterTwenty-four
ChapterTwenty-five:Annie
ChapterTwenty-six:Annie
ChapterTwenty-seven:Will
ChapterTwenty-eight:Annie
ChapterTwenty-nine:Will
ChapterThirty:Annie
ChapterThirty-one:Will
ChapterThirty-two:Annie
ChapterThirty-three:Will
ChapterThirty-four:Annie
ChapterThirty-five:Will
ChapterThirty-six:Annie
ChapterThirty-seven:Will
ChapterThirty-eight:Annie
ChapterThirty-nine:Annie
ChapterForty:Annie
Epilogue:TheRomeGazette
Dedication
Acknowledgments
BySarahAdams
AbouttheAuthor
_143319816_Toplantagardenistobelieveintomorrow.
—AudreyHepburnCHAPTERONEAnnie
Iamconvinceddatingwascreatedbyanevilvillaintotorturehumanity.Dramatic?Notintheleast.Forintrovertslikemewithsocialanxiety,theprocessofdatingisequivalenttowaxingyourbikiniline.Menstrualcrampsondaytwoofyourcycle.Anemergencydentalprocedureyouweren’texpecting—andguesswhat:they’refreshoutofnovocaine.
“Again,I’msosorryaboutthebeer,”Isaytothemansittingacrossfromme.
“It’sfine,”hesaysinaclippedwaythatmeansit’sabsolutelynotfine.
Thisisnotgoingwell.Notthatithasevergonewellformeinthepast,butthistimeitreallyisn’t.Ithinkturningamanoffinthefirsttenminutesofadateismynewrecord.BecauseJohn,themansittingacrossfrommewithasopping-wet,beer-stainedpoloandkhakisfromthedrinkIaccidentallyknockedacrossthetableontohislap,looksreadytobolt.Can’tblamehim.
WhydidIthinkIcoulddothis?It’sbeenyearssinceIdated,andevenbackthenIneverlikeditmuch.I’mapersonwhoavoidsattentionatallcosts.Whocan’tthinkofasinglethingtosaywhenamansittingacrossfromherisintentlystaringather.
Again,Iaskmyself,Whyareyouhere,Annie?!
Ohright.Itwasthebrownie.Well,firstitwastherealizationthatevenafteropeningtheflowershopmymomhadalwaysdreamedof,thenaggingsomething-is-missingfeelingstillpestersme.SoIdecidedit’stimetoputaplaninmotiontosettledownwithmyperfectsomeone—becausethat’stheonlyboxleftuncheckedinmylife.AndsinceI’vebeendroolingoverJohn(themanmysistersandIalwaysrefertoasHotBankTeller),Ithoughthemightbetheperfectcandidateforthejob.
Thejobinquestionhasverystrictcriteriabasedonthebursting-with-lovemarriagemyparentshad.One,hemustliveintownandhaverootshereinRome,Kentucky;two,hemusthaveastablejob;three,hemustbekindandalsobesupportiveofmycareer;andfour,hemustwantafamily.
Thosearetheonlythingsthatmattertome.
SothelasttimeIwenttothebanktodepositacheck,IusedupmyOnce-a-YearExtrovertedMomentandaskedhimifhe’dliketogooutsometime.Hemiraculouslysaidyes,andIspentthenextweekrecuperatingfromthestressandanxietyIsufferedinasking.
Anyway,whenIproposedmeetingsomewherealittleoutsideofRometohavefreshscenery(andkeepournosy,single-stoplighttownoutofmybusiness),hesuggestedPeppercorn,anicerestaurantaboutthirtyminutesaway.AndwhenIlookeditup,Yelpsaidthisplacehasanexcellentgiantbrownie.Itdoesn’tgetbetterthanthat.
ThedessertisliterallytheonlyreasonI’mstillsittinghereonthispainfullyawkwarddate.
IwishIcouldtextmysistersrightnowandaskthemwhattodo.ButthatrequiresthemactuallyknowingI’monadate,whichwouldopenmeuptothesortofattentionI’vebeentryingtoavoid.Theveryminutemysistersfindoutaboutmyquesttofindahusband—everyoneelsewillknowtoo.IwouldreallyhatetohaveMabel(thewomanwho’slikeagrandmatome)attempttosetmeupwitheveryeligiblebachelorsheknows.SoI’mkeepingitasecret—likemostthingsinmylife.
TheonlyreasonI’mpushingthroughmyterriblesocialanxietynowisbecauseI’mfullyconfidentthatmarriageistheThingthat’smissing.IwishIcouldcallmyparentstogettheiropinion,butbecausetheydiedwhenIwasthree,thatwillneverbeanoption.Soinstead,I’mfollowingintheirfootsteps.Happilymarriedbytheageoftwenty-eight.ThatgivesmejustunderayeartofindthepersonIwanttospendtherestofmylifewith.
ToobadIhavetodatefirst.
IsmileupatJohn,hopingthat’sgoingtolessenhisannoyanceatwearingmydrink.ButI’mAnnieWalker:shy,sociallyanxious,introvertextraordinairewhosensesthismandoesn’twanttospendanothersecondinmycompany.Andthatmakesmysmilefeellikeawobblygrimace.Iimagineitresemblesasnarl.Mynostrilsmightevenbeflaring.
Ican’tdothis.
Johnclearshisthroatandtrieshisownattemptatacasualsmile.Admittedly,hisisbetterthanmine.“So…what’sitlikeowningaflowershop?”Hesoundsbored.
IwanttounzipmyskinandrunmybonesallthewaytoMexico.Myheartisracing,andthisswankyrestaurantistooloud.Idon’tbelonghere.Mysisters,MadisonandEmily,however,wouldloveit.
“Annie?”JohnpromptsagainwhenIdon’tanswerrightaway.
Right!Conversation.Youcandothis,Annie.Noneedtoclamupbecausethemanaskedyouaboutatopicyouactuallylike.Flowers.Easypeasylemonsqueezy
Iswallowandprepareformyanswer.“Um—it’sfun.”Johnwaitsamomentandthentipsforwardslightly,clearlyexpectingmetosaymore.“Reallyfun,”Itackontoappeasehisdesireforasentencewithahigherwordcount.
Iwouldelaborate,butnowtheonlythingswirlingaroundmybrainisthereproductivecycleofflowers(whichIfinddeeplyfascinating),butIhaveadistinctfeelingthatJohnisnotthetypetomarvelatlifescience.SoIclampmymouthshutagain.
“Soit’s…reallyfun?”heasksandInod.“Well,good.”Hebreathesindeeplyandthensettlesbackinhischairandlooksaway.Webatheinuncomfortablesilence.Thiswouldpromptmostpeopletosaysomething—anything—butnotme.Ifreezeupevenmore.Theweightofcarryingonaconversationistooheavyformyshoulders.
Iamthequietoneinmyfamily.Theonewithhernosealwaysinabookbecausesheprefersworldswhereshedoesn’thavetointeractwithotherhumans.It’ssomucheasiertoreadaboutrelationshipsthantofosterthem.Lessdangeroustoo.Ican’toffendanyonewrittenintoabook.Ican’tsaythewrongthing.Andbookcharactersdon’tmakejudgmentsaboutme.
WhenJohnpullsouthiscellphoneandstartsscrolling,IrealizeIhavetotakeastabatsomesortofconversation,orthisnightisgoingtobeoverbeforeitstarts.“So,John,”Ibegin,andthenduringthenexttenminutesIprettymuchblackoutasIblabbernonstop,onlyregainingconsciousnessasI’mfinishingupwith,“Andthat’swhytheprimarypurposeoftheflowerisreproduction.”
“Wow.Okay.Thatwas…alotofinformationaboutflowers,”hesayswithanexpressionresemblingsomethingclosetohaunted.Clearlymystabatconversationwentrightthroughhim,andhe’sbleedingout.
Ismiletimidlyandglancearoundforourwaitress.It’ssobusyinhereshehasn’tbeenaroundtotakeourorderaftergettingourdrinks.Icouldreallyuseaninterruptionrightaboutnow.
Nothing.
“So—uh—doyouatleasthaveanyhobbies?”heasks.
Ohgeez,“atleast.”I’malreadysofaroffhisdatingradarthathe’slookingforanatleasttoredeemmeinsomesmallway.
Iclenchthefabricofmydressunderthetable.Idohaveahobby—butevenmysistersdon’tknowaboutit,soIsureascrapamnotgoingtoshareitwiththismanwholookslikespendingtimewithmeiscausinghimphysicaldiscomfort.
“Flowerssortofaremyhobbyaswellasmycareer.”
“Right,”hesaysblandlybecauseI’veonceagainshutdownanyconversationalavenues.WhyamIlikethis?Ineedtotalk.Askhimquestions!Whycan’tIthinkofany?Mybrainisawhiteboard,polishedclean.
Buthe’stappinghisfingeronthetablenowandlookingawayfromme.
Inafitofpanic,Iblurtthefirstthingthatcomestomyhead.“Iwanttogetmarried.”
Ohlook,I’vefinallysaidsomethingthatgetsJohn’sattention.
Hestaresatme,open-mouthedandinshock,because,yep,Ijustmentionedmarriageduringadatethatwasalreadytanking.
Tryingtorecover,Itagon,“Ohno,nottoyou!”MysmilefadeswhenIseehisfacecontort.“Well,maybetoyou.Whoknows?Ifthingsgowelltonightanythingcanhappen.”NowIrealizeI’vemadeitsoundlikewe’reabsolutelygoingtobedtogethertonight,andJohnhastopleasuremewellenoughtowinmeover.Super.
“Sorry—no,Ididn’tmeanyouhavetobegoodatyouknowwhat…formetomarryyou.I’msurethere’salearningcurvewhenitcomestothatsortofthing.”
NowhisfacedrainsofallcolorbecauseI’mmakingthissomuchworse.Johnblink,blink,blinksatme,completelyatalossforhowtorespond.There’snosalvagingthisdate
“Willyouexcuseme,John?Ineedtousethebathroom.”Andregroup.Andpossiblyclimboutthewindowandrunaway
He’ssorelievedhewillbeexemptfrommycompanyforafewminutesthatheeagerlynods.“Yes,takeyourtime!”
Istandonwobblylegsandwalkacrosstherestaurant,irrationallyfeelinglikeeveryoneinhereisstaringathowawkwardlythisdressfitsme.It’smysister’sdress,soit’salittlelongonme.Ithugsallmycurveslikeit’ssupposedtobutthendrownsmykneesandhoversmidcalves,unlikewhereithitsonEmily,justaboveherknees.Shewearsthisdressonhermanysuccessfuldatesbecauseshedoesn’thaveanounceofsocialanxiety.Istoleitoutofherclosetandstoweditawayinmypursesoshewouldn’tnoticewhenIleftourhouseandaskwhereIwasgoing.Ididn’thaveanythingofmyowntowearbecauseInevergoonnicedates(Ihaven’tbeenononesincethreeyearsago,whenoneprogressedverysimilarlytothisone).
Iwouldhavetakenadressfrommyothersister,butMadisonisthesizeofaspritelyfairy,andthere’snowayanyofherdresseswouldgetovermyhips.
Afterwhatfeelslikeamile-longwalk,Imakeittothebathroomandsinkbackagainstthewall.Theautomatichanddryergoesoffatmyshoulder,makingmejumpoutofmyskinandshriek.
“Allright,Annie,pullyourselftogether.Youcandothis,”Isaywhilescootingawayfromthehanddryersandpullingmyphonefrommypurse.Iswipeacrossittoopenatextconversationwithmysoon-to-besister-in-law,Amelia.She’stheonlypersonwhoknowsI’monadatetonight.
EversinceAmelia(youmightknowherasRaeRose,worldfamouspopstar)cametotownalittleoverayearagoandfellinlovewithmyolderbrother,we’vehadaninstantbondIcan’tquiteexplain.Likeshewasalwaysmeanttobeinourfamily.Anddespitethefactthatshe’snewtothefamily,ItrustherinawaythatIdon’ttrustmanyotherpeople.WhichiswhyItexthernow
Annie:HELP!!!!
Amelia:Ohno!Notgoingwell?
Annie:Ispilledmydrinkonhim.AndthentoldhimIwanttogetmarried.
Amelia:Yikes!Doyoulikehimthatmuch?
Annie:No,Ihatehim.
Amelia:Hmm,confusing.Canyoubail?
Annie:No!That’ssorude!
Amelia:EmandMaddiearecomingoverinafewminutes.Justtellhimyouhadsomethingcomeupandthencomehangoutwithus!
Annie:Ican’tdothattohimafterspillingadrinkonhimandtheninsinuatinghehastopleasemeinbedorhewon’tmakethemarriagecut.
Amelia:Ohmygosh.Somuchtounpackthere.
Annie:I’lljusteatfast.Don’tstartamoviewithoutme.
Amelia:Goodluck!!Bringmehomeabrownie.Theyhavethebest.
—
Isteelmyselfinthemirror,smoothbackmylongblondehair(whichatleastlooksreallyprettythankstoEmily’scurlingwand,whichIalsostole),andthenstepoutofthebathroom.
Unfortunately,IarrivebackatthetablejustintimetohearJohnfinishingupaphonecallthathedoesn’tintendformetohear.“Yeah,I’mtellingyoushe’ssounbelievablyboring.Andjustsortofawkwardandweird.Likezeropersonality.”Helistenstothepersonontheotherendoftheline.“Imean,yeah,Iguessshe’sprettyish,butIdon’tevenwanttotrytohookupwithhertonightbecauseshe’ssodull.Sojustcallmeinfiveminuteswithanemergency.Okay,yeah.Thanks.”
Mycheeksflame.TheladyatthetablenexttousheardthewholethingandgivesmePityEyes.IhatePityEyes.I’drathershe’dlaugh.Icanhandlelaughter.Mysiblingsareprofessionalteasers,soI’vebeenconditionedtolaughmywaythroughlife.Pity—no.
IbreatheinthroughmynosesoIdon’tcry—becausethatwouldreallybetheicingonthecake,wouldn’tit?—andwalkbackwardseveralsteps.Icounttofive,andonceI’mcomposedenough,Imakealoudreappearance.
“I’mback!”
Johnshiftsandadjustshisnapkin,anewbrightsmileonhisface(mostlikelysohecanbeconvincinglysadhehastoleaveafterhisemergencycall).“Great.Doyouknowwhatyouwanttoorder?”
“Probablyjustabrownie,”IsaymoretomyselfthantoJohnbeforethecornerofmyeyecatchesacoupleenteringtherestaurant.Ilookupanddoadoubletake.
It’s…thepirate.CHAPTERTWOAnnie
Orno.NotarealpiratebutWillGriffin—formerbodyguardofpopstarRaeRose—alsoknownasmybrother’sfiancée,Amelia.NoahandAmeliametalittleoverayearagowhenhercarbrokedowninhisfrontyard.They’vebeenprettyinseparableeversince.SoafterAmelia’slasttour,whenshedecidedtoofficiallymovetoourlittletownofRome,Kentucky,tolivewithmybrother,Willcamewithherforafewweeksuntilshesettledinandthepresscooledoff.Withouttherebeingmuchofathreattohersafety,Willwastransferredtoprovidesecurityforanotherhigh-profilecelebrity.
Beforethat,hewasAmelia’sbodyguardforfiveyearsonandoffassheneededhim.Duringthattime,hebecamekindoffamousforbeingoneofthehottestbodyguardsintheworld.Andadangerousone.IfyougoogleHotDangerousBodyguard,Will’spictureisthefirstonethatshowsup,alongwithaslewofvideosofhimpinningagainstwallsscarypeopleattemptingtogettoAmelia,orshowinghimtacklingaguytothegroundwhopulledaknifewhenhewasguardingapolitician.Therearelotsofterrifyinglybraveimagesandvideosofhimdoinghisjobthoroughlyandsuccessfully.Andthenthere’stheBuzzFeedarticle,whichismypersonalfavorite.TheydevotedanentirepiecetothemanylooksofWillGriffin.It’sbasicallyarotationofimagesandGIFswherehe’seithersternorswoony.WillhasperfectedthebalancebetweenI-will-knock-you-flat-if-you-try-to-cross-me,butmy-hands-can-be-oh-so-tender-on-your-body.
There’salsothePeoplemagazinearticleshowingphotographsofhimwithseveraldifferentwomenonvariousdatesaroundtheworld.Andtherearemany.Idon’tlovethatarticleasmuch.
Amelia—theonewomanintheworldwhoseemsimmunetohischarms—claimshelookslikeastreetfighter,butshe’swrong.Streetfightershavechunksmissingfromtheirearsandchippedteethandmeatyfists.WillGriffinis…beautiful.
Hehasthesestronginkyblackbrowsthatslashovermischievousblue-grayeyes.Amuscularlithebody,andaplayfulmouththatlooksabsolutelywickedwhenhesmiles.Andthere’shisleftarm,coveredinbeautiful,ornate,black-linefloraltattoosthatwindallthewaydownhistonedarmtoendatabutterflyspreadoverthetopofhishandandknuckles.Idon’thavetolooknowtoconfirmthebutterflyisthere.IstudieditenoughtimestohavememorizeditsshapewhenWillwasn’tlookingatmeoverthoseweekshewasaroundtown.
Willhasthekindoffacethatdaresyoutocrosshimbecausehewouldadorethechase—cravestheadventureofit.No,he’snotastreetfighter,he’saroguish,wildfiend.Apirate.Atleast,heisinmyfantasies.Also,insaidfantasies,hehasanearringandwearstightbuckskinbreecheswithanopen-collar,whitelinenshirtthatrevealsthechestportionofhistattoosthatI’massumingexist.
DidImentionmyhobbyisreadinghistoricalromances?Specificallyinthepiraticalgenre.
AsWillandhisgorgeousdatestepintotherestaurant,itseemslikethewholeplacesuddenlyhumstolife.Hissoftgrinsendsaswirlofelectricitythroughtheair.Whenheplaceshishandonhisdate’slowerback,Ifeelaphantomofthatsametouchagainstmyskin.TimeslowsasWillandthewomanglidethroughtherestauranttotheirtable—sosecureandconfidentthattheyseeminglydon’tevennoticeeveryonestaring.Maybehe’susedtoit.
Rightoncue,John’sphonestartsbuzzing.IsmiletomyselfasheputsonanOscar-worthyperformance.Hecastshiseyesdownatthephone,andetchesatinyfrownbetweenhiseyebrows.Afunnylittlehmmescapeshim.“Iwonderwhymyroommateiscallingme.DoyoumindifIanswer?”
“No,notall,”Isayweakly,distractedbythesightofWillremovinghisskin-lickingsuitjacketanddrapingitoverthebackofhischairbeforerollingupthecuffsofhisshirt.HolyGuacamole,thoseforearmsareglorious.
Johnanswershisphone,voicedrippinginalarmashesays,“Hello?”
Immediatelyhisfacemorphsintosomethingfrowny,andIreplicateitbecauseIwantanOscartoo.
“Seriously?Whathappened?”Heholdsupabe-right-backfingertomeandthenstandsupfromthetable,walkingawaytoanxiouslychatwithhisroommateorwhoeverisontheotherendofthatline.
Ifinallyflagdownthewaitresswhoseemedintentonavoidingusallnightandaskforthecheckaswellasagiantbrownietogo.
ThenIbusymyselfwithfoldingmynapkinintoaperfectlittlesquare.
“Annie?”comesafamiliarmalevoicefromaboveme.
Myhearthiccups,andIliftmyheadtolookrightintothemysticaleyesofWillGriffin.I’veneverheardhimsaymynamebefore—itwasmagical.Ididn’tevenplantosayhitohimbecauseIwasn’tsurehewouldrememberme.
AsAmelia’sbodyguard,hewaseveryinchthefocusedagent.Sure,he’dsmilekindlyandalwayswinkedattheoldladies,makingMabelabsolutelyswoon;butheneverreallyengagedinchitchat.HealwayshungontheoutskirtsinhisreflectiveaviatorsunglassesandlookedreadytotakeabulletforAmeliaatanymoment.Igetchillsjustthinkingofit.
“WillGriffin.It’syou.Hi.”
Hesmiles.“AnnieWalker.Hiback.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IlookaroundhopingtoseeAdele,butno.Justthegorgeousbrunettehecamewithlookingoverhermenu.IturnmyeyesbacktoWillandthat’swhenmygazesweepsoverhim.Histailoredsuitpantshugnicelymuscledthighs,andaformfittingblackbutton-downshirtcovershistophalf.It’ssnugtohisshoulders,unbuttonedatthecollarandrolleduptohisforearms.Anartfulsleeveofmagnoliaflowersandfoliagewindoutfromunderhisshirtanddescendtohiswrist
HolyPotato,IbetWillhasalltheothermeninthisrestaurantclutchingtheirladiesfordearlife,justhopingWilldoesn’tdecidetorunawaywithoneofthem.
“I’monadateactually,”hesays,signalingtothelovelyladyathistable.
“You’reonadatethirtyminutesawayfromRome?Isthatacoincidence?”
Hegrins,andtwocreases—notquitedimples—brackethissmilelikeevenhisbodyunderstandshowoutstandingasmileitisandwantstoemphasizeit.“Notreally.GretchenandIwerebothpassingthroughthisareasowemetupforthenight,andthenI’llbeheadedtoRometomorrow.DidAmelianottellyou?I’vebeenassignedtoheragainforawhile.”
“Oh.Ididn’tknow.”Whydidn’tshetellme?Thenagain,whywouldshetellme?NooneknowsI’vehadathingforWillsinceIfirstmethim.
“Herteamisanticipatingariseinmediaaroundthetownwiththeweddingapproaching.Theywantedmenearjustincase.”
“Good.I’mgladyou’recomingback.”AndthenIrealizehowthatsoundedandadd,“Imean,forAmelia’ssake.”
Hegrinssoftlyandmystomachswoops.
Iswallowthickly.“Andniceyou’llgettobesoclosetoyourgirlfriendforawhile,”Isay,tryingtodistracthimfromaccidentallyadmittingI’mgladhe’llbearoundtownagain.Aroundmeagain.
Helooksoverhisshoulderbrieflyandback.“Gretchenisn’tmygirlfriend—justadate.”
Buthesaidhe’sstayingthenightwithher…
Oh!Right!They’rejusthookingup.Cool,cool,cool.TotallycoolandnormalandthethoughtofWilltakingoffallhisclothesdoesn’tatallmakemyskinburnhotandweirdandtingly.
“Soareyouherealone?”heasks,eyessweepingovermeandthenthetableandemptychair.
Inthenextmoment,Johnstepsbacktothetable.Beforeheopenshismouth,Ispeakforhim,“Well,Iwasonadate.ButIthinkJohnisabouttoleavebecausehehasanemergency.”IlookupintoJohn’swideeyes.HethinksI’mapsychicnow.“Isyourhouseonfire?Grandma’sinthehospital?Ordoesyourroommatehaveaflattire?”Iaskcheerfully.
Hehesitatesasecond.“Uh—theflattireone.”
SomuchforthatOscar.UnderWill’ssuddenlydarkstare,John’sactingskillsaredeflatingalongwithhiscourage
“Hatewhenthathappens,”Isaykindlyasthewaitressbringsourcheckandmyto-gobrownie.ShesetsitdownwithadoubletakeatWill.She’smomentarilyshockedbyhishandsomeness.Getinline,ma’am.
“Well,John,goodluckhelpingyourfriend.Drivesafe!”IreachintomypurseformywallettopayformydrinkanddessertbeforeIleave—morethaneagertogetoutofhereandputthisdatebehindme.
Johnshiftsonhisfeet,andtapshiskeysonthesideofhisleg.“Yeah.Thanksforunderstanding.”
“Noproblem.”Iwavehimoffwhilestilldigginginmypurse.
IlookupwhenIhearathroatclearandseeWill’sshoulderpressinglightlyagainstJohn’schest,keepinghimfromwalkingawaylikehewasapparentlyattempting.Will’sheadhitchestowardthetableinsomeunspokenManLanguage,andthenJohnwhipshishandintohisbackpocket,pullsouthiswallet,andtossesafiftyonthetable.“Uh—I’llcatchthebillsinceI’mtheonehavingtobail.”
“ButIspilled—”
“It’sfine.Haveagoodnight,Annie.”AndthenJohnisgonesofastthere’sasmokingstreakleftonthecarpet
Islingmypurseovermyshoulderandstand.Willhasn’tmovedyet,andI’veneverrealizedhowtallthemanisuntilrightnow.Icomeuptohisshoulder.Butthatisn’tnecessarilyhardtodowhenyou’reonlyfivefootthreeinches.
“Youokay?”Willaskswithpinchedbrows.
Ismile.“Yeah.Whywouldn’tIbe?”
“Becausethatjackassseeminglyjustmadeupanexcusetobail?”
“Oh.Yeah.Hedefinitelydid.”
Willeyesmecloselyforsignsofdistress.“Andthatdoesn’tbotheryou?”
Ithinkaboutitandthenanswerhonestly.“Alittle,butnotmuch.Wewerebothhavingaterribletime.Iwouldn’twanthimtostickaroundifhewasmiserable.”Ishrug.“Hopefullyhe’llrecoverhisnightnow.”
Willlaughsashort,disbelievinglaugh.“You’reserious?”
“ShouldInotbe?”
Hesmilesandagainitshootsdownintothepitofmystomach.Geez,whatwoulditbeliketodateamanlikehim?Allcharismaandconfidence.Iwoulddefinitelyembarrassmyself.
“Ithinkmaybeyou’retoonice?”Hesaysitlikeaquestion.
“Mysisterswouldagreewithyou,butonepeekinsidemyheadduringtraffic…”Iwhistlelightlyandlettheimpliedvillainydangle.
“Sowhataboutyou?Areyougoingtohaveabadnightnow?”
“Cananyonereallyhaveabadnightiftheyhaveagiantbrownietoeatonthedrivehome?”Iraisemyplasticcontainerasevidence.
Ohno.Nowhe’sgivingmePityEyes.“Yes.Thatabsolutelymakesitworse.DoyouwanttojoinmeandGretchenfordinner?”
Thatmakesmelaughaudibly.“No—thankyou,butnotinamillionyears.Thatwouldbesoembarrassing,”Isay,inchingmywaytowardtheexitoftherestaurant.Willhangsatmyside,matchingmestrideforstride,andIcan’tquitefigureoutwhyhe’sstilltalkingtome.Ohright,pity.“Don’tworryaboutme.Seriously.I’llhaveaspectacularnight.There’sabookI’vereallybeenwantingtofinish.”
It’sahalf-truth.IwillmostdefinitelycryonmywayhomefromthestingofJohn’swords,butthenIdohaveasteamyromancetofinishwhereapiratehasjuststolenalady,andshe’sabouttoturnhisworldupsidedownwithwittyremarksandabewitchingpersonality.
“Abook,”herepeatsincredulously.
“Uh-huh.”
“Abookisgoingtobefun?”
Ichuckleaswecontinuetowalk.“Areyouoneofthosenonreaders?Themovieisneverbetter,Iassureyou.”
“Iwouldn’tsayI’manonreader.Readingjusthasn’tbeenonmyradarbefore.”
“Butnowitis?”Iaskhopefully,glancingathim.
“Maybe.”Hesmirks.
ImakeittothedoorandthinkthisisthemomentwhereWillandIwillpartways,buttomysurprise,heleansforward,opensthedoorformeandthenfollowsmeout,tossingaglancebackathisdateandlookingforthesignalthatit’sokayforhimtowalkmeout.Shegiveshimalittlewavetogoahead.Nicegal.
TheairishotandmuggylikeallsummernightsintheSouth,andmyheelsclip-clopontheconcretesidewalk.Ican’thelpbutlaugh.It’snotatalltheusualsoundtrackofmylife.MynormalshoeofchoiceisapairofwhiteConverses.Attire:oneofmyfivedifferent-coloroverallswithaT-shirtunderneath.Ifyoulookupthewordcomfyinthedictionaryyouwillfindapictureofme.
“Sowhichbookwillitbe?”asksWillwhenwemakeittomytruckandIpulloutmykeys.
Ilaughlightly.“What?”
“Whatbookareyougoingtoreadtonight?”
Iglancebrieflybackattherestaurant,wonderingwhyinh-e-doublehockeystickshe’southerewithmetryingtojoinmysecretbookclubinsteadofbackintherewithhisdate.Italmostfeelslikehe’sstalling—tryingtolengthenourconversation.Butno,I’msurehe’sjustbeingkind.There’snowayamanlikehimwouldbeinterestedinawomanwhowasjustdumpedmiddatebecauseshe’sunbelievablyboring,prettyish,andnotevenhookupmaterial.I’msureWillisjustpayingthenicegirlalittleattentionbeforegoingonhisway.
Isquintaneyeandsmile.“Well,I’dtellyou—butthenI’dhavetokillyou.AndI’mreallynotafanofmurder,soIthinkI’lljustkeepittomyself.”
Willcoughsalaugh.Hehasnoideawhattomakeofme.AndthatmakestwoofusbecauseIsuddenlyrealizethatI’mstandingherehavinganeffortlessconversationwithWillGriffinandIhavenoideahowI’mmanagingit.AllIknowisthatsomehow,it’seasy.
“Well,forwhatit’sworth,Ihopeyoureallydohavefunreadingyourbook.”
WillopensmytruckdoorandIfeelmomentarilyupset—onlybecausethisfiveminuteswithhimhasalreadybeenbetterthananydateI’veeverbeenon,andyetI’llnevergettohaveitagain.AndnowoneverydateIgoonI’llhopetheygetthedoorforme—whichtheywon’t,becausehalfthewomenintheworldhateitwhenamangetstheirdoorandtheotherhalfloveit,resultinginthemanpanickingandcannonballingintohissidewithouteveraskingwhatthewomanactuallyprefers.I’veneverparticularlycaredeitherway,butnow,afterhavingWilldoitforme,it’sdecidedlyinthelikecolumn.
Evenworse,I’llhopemynextdatehasbluish-grayeyeslikeWill’s—butnotjustanyblue-graybutgrayishbluewithathickdangerousrimofblackaroundthem.I’mnotevensurewhatthatmeans,IjustknowIfeelitdowntomytoesthatthatrimisdangerous.
It’spossibleI’mreadingtoomanyromances.
Ismile.“AndIhopeyouhavefunwithGretcheninallyouramorousadventures.”Ohgosh.IgrimacewhenWill’seyeswiden.
Ifit’snotabundantlyclearalready,I’mavirgin.Justfeelsimportanttonoteinthismoment.
“Iprobablyshouldn’thavesaidthat.Sorry.Residualfirstdateawkwardness.I’mgoingtogobeforeItellyouaboutthereproductionofflowers.”
Willdoesn’tcringeorlookaway.Hesmilesfullyanditslipsrightintothefleshypartofmyheart,inflatingitlikeanemergencyflotationdevice.“Well,IguessI’llbeseeingyouaroundtown,Annie.”
“Iguessyouwill.”
ThenIhopupintomytruck.ButIhopalittletoohighandslammyheadonthedoorframe.CHAPTERTHREEWill
“How’syourjobgoingthesedays,Annie?”Mydateblinksbackatmewithwideeyes,andIimmediatelyrealizemymistake.“Gretchen!Shit.Sorry.Thatwas—”
“Thesecondtimeyou’vedonethatsinceyouwalkedheroutside,”Gretchensaysquietly,butwithanedge.ShewascompletelyfinewithmespendingafewminuteswithAnnieoutside,butafterthefirstnameslip,thingsquicklywentsouth.Understandably.
Whatadouchebagmovetocalladatebythenameofadifferentwoman.Whatthehelliswrongwithme?Ican’tgetAnnieWalkeroutofmyheadforsomereason.IkeepspacingoutandpicturinghersoftblueeyesandthenrealizingI’mjuststaringatthesaltandpeppershakeronthetable.
It’sanunresolvedattraction,that’sall.
DuringmystintworkinginRome,Kentucky,itwasalwaysdifficulttonotpayattentiontotheyoungestWalkersister.Thesweetone,everyonesays.Thequietone.Thecuteone.I’veheardfolksinthattownrefertoAnnieaseverypossiblesynonymofthosewords—butneveroncedidtheygivehertheadjectivethatalwayssprungintomyheadwhenIsawher:gorgeous
We’dneverreallytalkedbeforebecausefirst,Idon’tsocializewhileonthejob,andsecond,I’veknownsincethemomentIlaideyesonAnniethatIneededtostaythehellawayfromher.SomethingaboutherattractsmeinanI-could-get-feelings-for-herkindofway.AndIdon’tdofeelings.
Buttonight,Italkedtoher,anditwasacolossalmistake.Ican’tstopthinkingabouther.
EvenjustthatshorttalkwithAnnieoutsideoftherestaurantwasthemostI’veenjoyedaconversationwithanyoneinalongtime.WhichisaproblembecauseI’mcurrentlyonadatewithawomanIcan’tseemtofocuson.IjustkeepthinkingabouthowAnnie’sentirefacelitupandreflectedherthoughts.Herwideeyes.Herpinkmouth.Hernervousness.Iwantedtotalktoherallnight.Hell,Iwouldhavesettledforsittingandwatchingherreadherbook.Ibetshemakesallkindsoffaceswhilereading.
AndnowIrealizeI’vedoneitagain.Gretchensaidsomething,andIdon’tknowwhatitwas.Shit,Idon’tdeservetobeonadatewithhertonight.“Uh—”Ismileather,tryingtosearchmybraintoseeifanypartofitheardher.“Damn,I’msorryGretchen.I’mdistractedtonightandmissedwhatyousaid.”IhatethatI’mnotgivinghermyfullattention.Anniedidsomethingtome—shescrambledmybrain.
Gretchenpatsherlipswithhernapkin.“It’sokay,IjustsaidthatIgotapromotionatmyjob.”
“That’sgreat.Youdeserveit.”
“Yeah,”sheagreesandthenfrowns.“Tobehonest,Will,IfeellikeI’mhavingdinnerwithabrickwall.Isitbecauseofher?Annie?”
Ilie,mostlybecauseIwantittobetrue.“No.Well,sortof.AnnieisafamilymemberofthepersonI’llbeprovidingsecurityforagainstartingtomorrow.”
“RaeRose,”Gretchensaysflatly.“You’vebeenhersecurityonandoffforfiveyears,Will,it’snotasecret.Youcanjustsayhername.”
Yeah,butI’llneverdothat.ItakemyjobprotectingAmeliaseriously—andthatmeansneverdroppinghername.ThenumberofdatesIgoonwheretheyrecognizemefromthatdamnBuzzFeedarticleisabsurd.TheyalwayswanttoknowthegossipaboutAmelia.What’sshelike?Isshesweet?HaveIeverhookedupwithher?
It’swildtometheintrusivequestionspeoplewillaskaboutacelebritybecausetheythinktheirlifeisopenforpublicconsumption.Andbytheway,theanswertothatlastquestionisaresoundingno.Ihavenever,norwillIever,sleepwithAmelia.LikeIsaid,Itakemyjobseriouslyandsleepingwiththepersonyou’reprotectingisunprofessional.NottomentionIliketothinkIhavegoodmorals,sosleepingwithsomeonewho’sengagedisnotappealing.Andthird,afterworkingforAmeliaforsolongnow,shefeelslikethelittlesisterIneverhad.
Idon’twanttooffendpeople,though,soIsidestepGretchen’sstatementjustlikeIdoeveryoneelse’s.“AnywaymyheadjumpedintoworkbeforeitwassupposedtoafterseeingAnnie.Ihatetodoit,butIthinkI’mgoingtohavetocutourdateshorttonightandheadoutafterdinner.”
Gretchenfrowns.“Wait.You’renotgoingtocomebacktomyhotel?”
Igetwhyshe’supset.GretchenandIdon’tseeeachotherregularly.Sheworksforapharmaceuticalcompanyandtravelsalotforit.Wehookupoccasionallywhenwe’reinthesamearea,andusuallygoonadatebefore.Thereisadifference.ButI’mnotintoittonight.Annieis,forwhateverreason,stuckinmyhead,andIdon’tthinkitwouldberighttogotoGretchen’splacewhenI’mpreoccupiedwithsomeoneelse
“Yeah—IthinkIjustneedtogetsomesleeptonight.”
Shescoffswithasmile,pullinghernapkinfromherlaptosetitonthetable.“Wow.Shemusthavereallymadeanimpression.”
“I’msorry,Gretchen,”Isayagain,andIreallymeanit.Ididn’tintendforthistohappen,andit’sneverhappenedbefore.
SomeofGretchen’sicydemeanorcracksandshesmilesgenuinely.“It’sfine.Really.Idon’tknowwhyI’mactingsojealousallofasudden.YouandIhaveneverhadthatkindofrelationship,andIdon’twantiteither.Iguess,Ijust…”Shepauses,looksdownatherplateandthenbackupatme.“Thelookyou’vehadonyourfacewhilethinkingabouther—”Sheshrugslightly.“ForaminuteIthoughtitwouldbenicetohavesomeonelooklikethatwhilethinkingaboutme.MaybeI’mrealizingit’stimetoreadjustmyintentions.”
Wait,I’vehadalookonmyface?That’snotgood.
Gretchensighsandcontinues,“Doyoueverthinkofcommittingtosomeone?Idon’tmeanme…justsomeoneinthefuture?”
“Never,”Isayquickly.“Long-termrelationshipsarenotformeandneverwillbe.”
Itakeadrinkofmywater,suddenlyfeelinglikemythroatistoodrytospeak.MainlybecauseGretchen’squestionisringingloudlyinmyears.Anniedidmakeanimpression—andI’mnothappyaboutit.Ilikewomen,Ilikedating,andIliketothinkI’magoodguywhoappreciatesandrespectswomen.Imakesureeveryoneknowsmyintentionsupfront,andIonlysleepwithwomenwhohavethesamegoalsinlifeasIdo—singlehood.
ButlatelyIhavenoticedwhenIsitstill,there’safeelingIcan’tquitepinpoint—ormoreaccurately,maybedon’twanttopinpoint.It’swhyIlikestayingbusywithworkandadventures.Itkeepsmyheadfromwandering.
Tonight,however,aftertalkingtoAnnieandthenwatchingherdriveoff,Ifoundmyselfrubbingmychesttoeasethatdamnfeeling.Ihateit.IwanttopayfordinnerandtakeGretchenbacktoherplaceandspendthenighttanglingupwithheruntilthefeelinggoesawayandIneverhaveitagain.
Instead,Ipayfordinnerandwalkhertohercar.WehaveanunmemorableconversationonthewayandIsighwithreliefwhenIgetintomySUVanddriveawayfromher—straightforthetownthatIhopedIwouldn’thavetogobackto.Straightforthewomanwhonowfeelslikethemostdangerouspersonintheworldtome.
Tenminutesintomydrive,myphoneringsandIansweritovermycar’sBluetooth.
“Hey,man,”IsaytoEthanafteranswering.He’stwoyearsyoungerthanme,andwelooknothingalike.WhereIhavedarkhairandblueeyesthatI’vebeentoldlookgrayerincertainlightsthantrueblue,hehasdarkbrowneyesanddirtyblondhair.Otherthanhowwelook,though,we’reverymuchalike.
Wedon’tseenearlyenoughofeachotherbecausemyjobkeepsmebusy(read:Ilikestayingbusy)andhelivesontheothersideofthecountryinNewYork,withhisownbusycareer.He’sadivorcelawyer,whichisbothfittingandsatisfyinggiventhewaywegrewup.
“Whatareyouupto?”hesayslikeit’stotallynormalforhimtobecallingtoshootthebreezeratherthangettingstraighttothepoint.We’renotphonetalkers,whichmeansifwecall,itusuallygoeslikethis:
Hey,man.
Hey.
Youokay?
Yep.You?
Yep.
Okay,seeyalater.
Andthenwetexteachothermemesonoccasiontolettheotherknowwe’restillalive.
“I’mcurrentlydrivingbacktoRome,Kentucky.Which,bytheway,getsreallyshittyservice,andmycallcoulddropatanysecond.”YetanotherreasonI’mdreadinggoingbackthere.WhenIsaythistownhasnoservice,Imeanit’slikeablackhole.Ifyouwanttomakeacall,youhavetowalkaroundwithyourphoneextendedaboveyourheadjusthopingthecellphonegodswillbestowasinglebar.Myagencytoldmeit’sgottenalittlebettersinceIwastherelastwiththehelpofseveralshopsthatinstalledwifiintheirestablishments,whichIguessisbetterthannothing.
“Ithoughtyouweren’tgoinguntiltomorrow?”asksEthan.
Iadjustmygriponthesteeringwheel.“Decidedtogotonightinstead.”
Iintentionallyleaveoutthepartaboutdinner,andseeingAnnie,andthenbailingonmynightwithGretchen.Mainlybecauseitisn’tabigdeal,andIdon’twanthimtomakeitintoone.I’mjusttiredanddistracted,that’sit.Anniehappenedtothrowmeoffbalancealittle,andallIneedisasolidnight’ssleepbeforemyjobstartstomorrowtogetmyheadintherightplace.
“Cool,”Ethansaysandthengoesquiet.Thepausegrowsandgrowsuntilitfeelstangible.Somethingbigiscoming,Icanfeelit.Andifhe’sstallingthismuch,it’sbecauseheknowsI’mnotgoingtolikeit.
“So…uh—listen.”Hestops.“Ineedtotellyousomething.”
“Okay.”
“Um…shit,I’mjustgoingtosayit.IaskedHannahtomarrymelastnight.”Anotherpause.“Shesaidyes.”
Mythroatcloses.Acoldsweatbreaksoutonthebackofmyneck,andmyhandsgripthewheelsohardmyknucklesturnwhite.
“Comeon,Will.Saysomething,”EthanurgeswhenIstaysilenttoolong.
ButIdon’twanttosayanything.Iwanttoscoff.Iwanttocurseathimandhangup.
Isqueezethesteeringwheeltighter.“Idon’tknowwhatyouexpectmetosaytothis.Congrats?Sohappyforyou?Ican’tdothat,andyouknowit.”
Ethansighsheavily.Ihatedisappointinghimlikethis,butheknowswhereIstandonmarriage,anduntilafewmonthsago,hestoodrightherebesidemeinavoidingit.
“Idon’texpectyoutocongratulateme,butmaybeto…Idon’tknow,justtrytohearmeout.”
Igrindmyteethandstareoutatthedarkroad.“Dammit,Ethan.Idon’twanttohearyouout!Youpracticallyjustmether.Likewhat,threemonthsago?Howinthehellisthatlongenoughtoknowthatyoucanspendyourlifewithher?You’readivorcelawyerforshit’ssake,youknowbetterthanthis.”
“Yes,Iam,soyouknowthatI’mgoinginwithmyeyeswideopen.ButIloveher,man.Igottatakeachancebecause…I’mhelplesstodoanythingelse.”
Helplesstodoanythingelse.Iwanttopunchhimintheface.
“Well,nowIreallyknowit’samistake.Tellmeit’sforpracticalreasons—thatsheneededtogoonyourinsuranceoryouwantedataxbreak.Anythingotherthanyou’redoingitoutofamisguidedromanticnotion—thenIcouldcomearoundtoit.Buthelplessness?Ridiculous.”
“Whydoesithavetobemisguided?”heaskssharply.
“Youknowwhy!”Myvoiceishardasgranite.Ican’tbelieveI’mevenhavingtoexplainthistohim.“YouandIgrewupunderthesamedamnroof,Ethan.Ourparentswereserialcheaters.Theyweretoxicandtheyblamedalltheirshitonus.OrmaybeIshieldedyoutoomuchforyoutoremember?MaybeIshouldhavetakentheheadphonesoffyourearsandunlockedourbedroomdoorwhentheywerescreamingateachotherinthekitchenandwewereupstairsscaredoutofourminds?”
“Irememberjustfine,”hesays,butIwonderifhereallydoes.
Webothgosilentasmemoriesswimthroughourheads.Minemostlikelydifferentfromhisbecauseunlikehim,Itookmostofthebruntofourdysfunctionalupbringing,alwaystryingtocreateatleastanillusionofnormalcyforEthan.Ourparentsbothworkedatlow-payingjobsthatrequiredthemtobegonemostoftheday—sometimesnightstoo.Itookcareofmybrothermorethantheyeverdid.Icookedmostofhismeals.Ididourlaundry.Imadesurethathehadhelpwithhishomework.Andthenwhenthey’dcomehomeexhaustedandangry,theywouldtellmeIwastheonewhomessedupbynotcleaningupthedishesafterImadedinner.Myperceivedlazinesswouldkick-startmyparents’fighting.Mydadwoulddrink.Mymomwouldleaveandgotowhicheverdudeshewassleepingwithatthetime—andintheend,they’dalwayscomebacktogetherandtellmeandEthanthattheyweregoingtomakeitworkforus.
Therewasverylittlehappinessinourhomewhenweweregrowingup,andtheresureashellwasn’tlove.Maybemarriageworksforpeoplewhogrewupinidealhomeswithparentswhosupportandcareforeachother;butforpeoplelikemeandEthan,wewouldn’tevenbegintoknowwheretostarttohaveagoodrelationship.I’vetrieditafewtimes
AnduntilthreemonthsagowhenhemetHannahataconcert,Ethanfeltthesameway.
“I’msorry,butIwon’tsupportyouinthis.You’remakingahugemistake,andIcan’tsitbyquietlywhileyoudo,”Itellhimplainly—hatingthatIhavetoupsethimbutincapableofnotbeinghonestwithhimatthesametime.Ilovehimtoomuchtowatchhimpotentiallyruinhislifelikethis.“Whynothitthebrakesalittleandtakeitslow?Keepdatingforawhileandseeifyourinfatuationholdsup—becausemostlikely,that’sallthisis,andsoonthefightingwillkickinorshe’sgoingtocheat,or—”
“Stop.I’mchoosingnottobehurtrightnowbecauseIknowwhereyou’recomingfrom,butIwon’tlistentoyoutalknegativelyaboutHannah.Assomeonewhounderstandsbetterthananyoneelse,Ihopedyou’dbewillingtolistentomeandtrustmewhenIsaythatIwaswrongaboutrelationshipsandmarriage.Wehadaterribleupbringing,butnotallrelationshipshavetobelikethat.MyrelationshipwithHannahisreallygood,Will.Wecommunicate,webothgiveandtake,andit’ssonicetoknowthatattheendofthedayIhavesomeonetolovemethroughevery—”
Iendthecall.
LaterI’lltexthimandtellhimIlostservice,butfornowIcan’tstandtohearhimsayanymoreaboutit.Ihatethathe’srunningfullsteamaheadtowardsomethingthatcouldreallyhurthim,allbecauseoffeelingsthatarestillbrand-new.AndIreallyhatethathedoesn’tseemtobeasscaredofitasIam.Howisheabletomovepastitsoquicklywhenit’ssomethingI’maffectedbydaily?
Itdoesn’tmatter.Becausethefactis,whenIstartedkeepingpeopleatarm’slengthwaswhenIstartedreallyfindinghappiness—andI’venevermetanyonewho’smademewanttochallengethatdecision.
Noone.
NotGretchen,notthewomanImetinItalylastyear,notJadafromTexas,notAlliefromIndiana,andnoteven…
MythoughtssnagontheonenameIcan’tbringmyselftolumpinwiththeothersforsomeconcerningreason:
AnnieWalker.CHAPTERFOURAnnie
Afterleavingtherestaurant,IgostraighttoAmeliaandNoah’shouseforanAudreyHepburnmovienightwiththegirls.Beforegoingin,however,IchangeoutofEmily’sdressandbackintomyusualoverallsandT-shirtinmytruck,andthenshovethedressintomypurse.It’sfine—it’sdark.Noonesawanything.
MysistersandIhaveadoptedAmelia’spracticethatifanythinggoeswrong,hurts,ormakesyoufeelcloudy,youturnonanAudreyfilmandinjecthersmileintoyourheartuntilitheals.Oryouknow,justgenerallyhaveagirls’nightandgossipandeatpopcorn.
That’swhat’shappeningtonight,whilewe’reallfourcurledupinvariouspartsofNoah’slivingroom(orIguessIshouldthinkofitasAmelia’slivingroomnow)watchingFunnyFace.WhenAmeliafirstcametotownalittleoverayearago,wehadneverseenanAudreymovie.Amelia,however,iscapitalOobsessedwithher.Andafterwatchinghermovies,mysistersandIaretoo.
“Nope,”Ameliasaysabruptlyoverthesoundofthemovieasshepointstothehallwayoffthelivingroom.“Isawyou.Gobackintoyourroom.”
MybrotherNoahemergesfromthehallwaywearingasulkyface.“Comeon.Justletmewatchthisonewithyouguys.Youcan’tkeepmefrommyowndamnlivingroom.”
Ameliahasbeenveryfirminprotectingourearlytraditionofgirls’night,andherengagementtoNoahhasn’tchangedit.Thefunnythingis,Idon’tthinkheactuallywantstowatchthemovie.HejustlovestopushAmelia’sbuttons,andshelovestohavethempushed.Matchmadeinheaven.
“Excuseme—it’smylivingroom,too,now.Andthisisgirls’night.Noboysallowed.”
Noahrollshiseyes.“Fine.I’mgoingtoJames’shouse.”JamesisNoah’sbestfriendandlikeoursecondbrother.HeownsHuxleyFarmnextdoor(nextdoormeaningseveralacresover).
“I’llsendacourierpigeonwhenwe’redone,”saysAmelia.
Noahslapsaballcapon.“Justcall.”
“We’llflashthelightstwentytimeswhenit’ssafetocomebackandgetfrisky,LoverBoy,”saysMaddiewithadevioussmile.NoahhatesthenicknamewegavehimwhenhewasfirstfallingforAmelia.We’llneverletitgo.
Noahfrowns.“Callmewhenit’soversoIcancometobed.Someofusarenotteachersonsummerbreakandhaveactualjobsinthemorning.”
Emilycupsherhandsaroundhermouthtogetagoodprojectiongoing.“I’llturnonthehoseandshootastreamofwateratJames’swindowwhenwe’reonourwayout,soyouknowthecoastiscleartocomehomeandmakesweet,sweetlovetoAmelia!”
Noahtrieshisverybestnottosmile,butwecanallseeitthere,lurking.Helooksatmenext.“Nothingfromyou?”
Ishrug.“TellJamesIsaidhi.”
MysistersandAmeliaallboo,andNoahjustgrinsatme.“Ilikeyouthebest.”
Heturnsandleaves,butnosoonerhasthefrontdoorshutbehindhimthanitopensagain.Noahstormsbackinside.HewalksaroundthebackofthecouchwhereAmeliaissitting,putshishandsonherjaw,andtiltsherfaceupsohecankisshergoodbye
WhenIfirstsawNoahandAmeliatogetherasacouple,Iwasshocked.Well,weallwere.Theaffectionbetweenthosetwowassoeasyandfreelygiven.I’veneverseenNoahlikethatwithanyoneelse.It’sinspiringwatchingthewaytheyhavemanagedtheirlong-distancerelationshipallwhiledatingwithinthelimitationsofAmelia’sfame.
“Ew,”saysMadisonwithadisgustedlaugh.“You’regoingtokissherSpider-Manstyle?Itwasn’tagoodlookforTobey,andit’snotagoodlookforyoueither.”
EmilythrowsapillowatMaddie,andshedeflectsitwithakaratechop.
“Iloveyou,”NoahsaysinawhispertoAmeliaafterthekiss,butI’msittingcloseenoughtohearit.
IsmiledownatmylapbecauseIadoreAmeliaandNoah’srelationship.Ithinkitmustbesimilartowhatmyparentshad.Sturdy,deep,anddependable.AndtheysurelookateachotherwithheartsintheireyesjustlikeI’veseeninallthephotosofmyparents.It’sthekindoflovethatjustworksandmakeseveryonearoundthemenvious.It’swhatIwant.Thesuperglue-sticky,not-going-anywhere,till-death-do-us-partrelationship.Someonetostepupbesidemeandlendmehishandwherewe’llwalkhappilytogetherthroughlife.
Noaheventuallyleaves,andAmelia’scheeksarecompletelypinkaswewatchmypersonalfavoriteoutofallofAudreyHepburn’sfilms,FunnyFace.IdeeplyrelatetoJo—thecharacterAudreyplays.Joworksinabookstore(whichwouldbemydreamjobifIdidn’talreadyhaveadreamjobowningmyownflowershop),andsheisconsideredquietandintrospective,maybeevenalittleplain.
Butinthemovie,DickAvery(whoisplayedbyFredAstaire),afamousfashionmagazinephotographer,spotsJoandseessomethinginherthatisn’tplainorquietatall.Together,heandMaggiePrescott,theeditorofQualitymagazine,sweepJoofftoParis,wheretheypullheroutofhershell,turningherintoamodelandteachingherhowtodressandposeandcarryherselflikeawomanofQuality.Ofcourse,intheend,JoandDickfallmadlyinloveandlivehappilyeverafter—endinglikeeverygoodstoryshould.
“See,”IsaywithabigsighasIpointtotheTVafterthefinalsceneofAudreyandFreddancingtothesong“?’SWonderful.”“That’swhatIneed.”
MaddieandEmilyareinthekitchenandoutofearshot.
“Anoldmantofallinlovewithyou?”asksAmeliawithachuckle.
Igasp.“Don’tyoudareslanderthegreatFredAstaireandtheheroofmyfavoritemovie.”
Ameliagrimacesandleansforwardtograbanotherhandfulofpopcornfromthecoffeetable.“Normally,Iwouldn’tsayawordagainstanAudreymovie.ButevenIhavetoadmitthepairingisoddhere.AudreywasinhertwentiesandFredwasdefinitelyinhisfifties.”
“Oh.Deflating,”Isaystaringatthescreenagain.
“Soanyway,whydoyouwantamajorage-gaploveaffair,Anna-banana?”
Ipullmylegsupontothecouchandwrapmyarmsaroundthem.“Idon’twantanage-gaploveaffair.Ijustwantaloveaffairingeneral.SoI’msayingIwishIcouldhavesomeonelikeDickAveryorMaggiePrescottswoopinandteachmehowtobetheQualitywomaneveryonewantstodate.OratleastIwantmydatestonotsayI’mboringandthenhavetheirfriendscallandmakeupexcusestoleave.”
“What?!”saysAmeliaalittletooloudly.
“Shh!”Ihiss,lookingovermyshouldertowheremysistersarebusycookingsomethinginthekitchen.Actually,Madisoniscooking,andEmilyishoveringaroundherandbadgeringherwithitineraryquestionsfortheirupcomingtriptoMexicoforavacationwithafewoftheirotherteacherfriends.They’vebeensavingforayeartoaffordit.
“Isthatwhathappenedtonight?”Ameliaasksmeinawhisperthistime.
“Yes.”Irubmyhandsupanddownmyshins.“Butdon’tblamehim—”
“Ido.”
“Iwasaterribledate.IbarelytalkedandthenwhenIdid,Isprungmarriageonthepoorguy.Andthenevenafterallofthat,WillmadehimpayforthedrinkseventhoughIdumpedJohn’sinhislap.Itwasadisaster.”
Ameliasitsforwardabruptly.“Wait,wait,wait.Goback.DidyousayWill?”
Inod.“Yeah,Will.Youknow?WillGriffin.”
“WillGriffin,asinmybodyguardWillGriffin?Hewasonyourdate?”
“No.”Ipause.“Imean,yes.YourbodyguardwasattherestaurantwhereIwashavingtheworstdateofmylife,butheappearedtobeonaverysuccessfuldateofhisown.”
“Buthehungoutwithyou?”
Iraiseashoulder.“Well,sortof.Hecameoverandsaidhi,butthatwasrightinthethickofJohngettingtheheckoutofDodge,sothenWillwalkedmeouttothetruckandwetalked.”
“Youtalked.ToWill?”
“Whydoyoukeeprepeatingmystatementsandformingthemasaquestion?”
“I’mjusttryingtopictureit.”Shecirclesherhandsintheairlikeshe’stryingtoconjureupaninstantreplay.“He’salwayssobusinessywithme.Ipracticallyhavetopryfriendshipfromhim,andhereheisjuststrollingrightuptoyouandchatting.”
Ifrownandtakeanotherbiteofpopcorn.“Itwasonlyforlikefiveminutestops.Notabigdeal,”Isay,completelydisregardingtheslightlytooalertlookinAmelia’seyes.MaybeshethinksIhaveathingforWillandisworriedI’mgoingtotrytodatehim?Ha!Ahilariousthought.“Anyway,hewentbackintotherestaurantprettyquicklyandsaidhe’sstayingthenightwiththewomanhewasonadatewithandthathe’llbeinRometomorrow.”Inudgeherknee.“Ididn’tknowyouhadhiredhimtocomeback,bytheway.Areyouhavingsafetyissues?”
“Notreally.Afewpaparazzihavebeengettingtoocloselately,butIhaven’tfeltworried.They’rejusthungryforweddingdetails.Keyshaistheonewhothoughtitwastimetocallinamobileguarduntilthingssettledownagainafterthewedding.”
KeyshaisAmelia’smanager.Shehiredherayearagoafterfindingoutheroldmanagerhadbeendoingsomeshadybusinessbehindherback.IthinkKeyshahasbeenreallygoodforAmelia—asisClaire,thepersonalassistantAmeliahiredtohelpherliferunalittlesmoother.
“Butyou’rewrong,”saysAmeliaabruptly.“Willisn’tcomingtomorrow.He’sherenow.”
Wait,what?Itrynottolooktooexcitedatthatprospectandmentallyintimidatemycheeksintonotblushingatjustthementionofhisname.“ButhetoldmehewasstayingwithGretchentonight.”
Amelialookslikeshe’sstudyingmeforanswersbeforeabigtest—expectingtofindthemwrittenallovermyskininredink.“Interesting.AllIknowisaboutthirtyminutesago,Harold,thenightshiftguard,textedmeandsaidthatWillhadarrivedatthesurveillancetrailerandgothisemergencysatellitephone”—whichtheykeeponhandbecauseserviceisspottyaroundhere—“andthenwentontoMabel’sInnforthenightandwouldbereadytostartateighta.m.tomorrow.Sohemusthavedecidedtocuthisdateshort.”
Ameliaisintheprocessofhavinganactualguardshackbuiltontheirpremises,butitwon’tbereadyforatleastanothermonthortwo.Untilthen,hersecurityteamalwaysstaysdowntheroadatMabel’sInn.
Also,IwillchoosetonotreadanythingintothefactthatWilldidn’tstaythenightatGretchen’splace.
I.Will.Not!
Doyouhearthat,youromanticschmuckofaheart?There’sabsolutelynowayWillcomingtoRomeanightearlyhasanythingtodowithmeandourmeetupearliertonight.ForallIknow,theyhookedupsuperfastandheleft.Endofstory.
“Whatarey’alltalkingabout?”Maddieasks,poppingherheadoverthebackofthecouch.
Withoutlookingtheslightestbitsuspicious,Ameliasays,“Mybodyguard—WillGriffin.IwasjusttellingAnniethathe’sgoingtobebackintownandstickingwithmeuntilafterthewedding.”
Maddie’seyeslightupand,forsomereason,itmakesmyfingerstwitchy.
Emilyroundsthecornerandsitsbackdowninthearmchair.“Wait,who?”
“Thehottestbodyguardinthecountry,”saysMaddie,alsocomingtotakeaseatinthelivingroom.
“Oooh,WillGriffin?”
Again,Idon’tlovethatsheimmediatelyknewwhoMaddiewastalkingabout.ButI’mnotsurewhyIcare.It’snotlikeIhavehopeswherehe’sinvolved.And,honestly,myoutgoing,gorgeoussistershavewaymoreofachancewithhimthanIdo.Oh,andyouknow,themostimportantpart:Iwantastablerelationship.Willinnowayequalsstable.
Proppingherfacemischievouslyonherfists,MaddieaimsalookatAmelia.“Okay—behonestwithus,didyouandWilleverhookup?”
“Gross,no!”Ameliasayswithagenuinelydisgustedlook.“Firstofall,Willislikemybrotheratthispoint,andthethoughtofthatliterallymakesmegag.Secondofall,I’vejustneverbeenattractedtohim.”
“Never?”asksEmilywithastudyingexpression.“You’retellingmethatevenwhenhestartedworkingforyou,youneveroncefoundthatbeautifulmuscularmanattractive?”
Ameliashrugs.“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou.Hejustneverdiditforme.Ithinkhe’sagreatguy,buthe’snotmytype.Noahontheotherhand…”
Weallthreegroan.
“We’regoingtokickyououtofourgroupifyoucontinuetoactlovesickoverourbrother,”saysMaddie.
“Iamlovesickoveryourbrother.Hencetheupcomingwedding!”ShepretendstoflickMaddieintheskull.
“Butthat’snoexcusetoactlikeitongirls’night.Imean,dammit,Amelia,atleastdothepolitethingandpretendyou’resickofhimforoursakes,”saysMaddiebeforewincing.
EmilyisalreadyhandingmeapenasIflipopenmyspiralpocketnotebookandaddatallynexttohername.
“HowmanymoredoIhaveuntilIhavetopayup?”Maddieasks.
“Three.”IclosetheNoSwearNotebookandwishIcouldthrowitoffacliff.Whatstartedoffasanattemptathumoronmyendhasturnedintoafull-fledgedpartofmycharacterthatmysiblingswon’tletmeescape.Everyonegetsatallymarkwhentheysayacursewordandthenhastopaytwentybuckswhentheyhittheirtwentyswearsinamonth.Ithasn’tmadeanyoneswearless,tobehonest.Instead,it’smadeusregularcontributorstovariousnonprofitorganizationsaroundthetownbecausethat’swhereIdonateourspoilseachmonthaftereveryonepaysup.Justcallusabunchofphilanthropists.
“BacktoWill,doyouthinkhelikesslightlybossywomenwithblondehair?”Emilyasks,obviouslykiddingbutstillkickingupanurgeinsidemetojumptomyfeetandyellNo!Youcan’thavehim!
Istayquiet.
Maddieapparentlyhasthesamethoughtasme.“Noway!IfanyonegetstodateWill,it’sme.Obviously,he’sthebadboytypeandneedssomeonelikemetocomplementhim.”Shebatshereyelashesplayfully.Iloveherdearly,butI’mdreamingofpluckingouteachoneofthoselashesinthismoment.
Amelia—blessher—thenlooksatme.“Youknow,Ithinkhe’ddobetterwithsomeonelikeAnnie.”
Madisonbarksalaughatthis.Emilychucklestoo.“Anna-bananaandWillGriffin?No.Absolutelynot,”saysMaddie,chucklingthewholetime.
Ismilesoftlyandtryveryhardnottoshowthatmystomachistwistingupinatightknot.
“IthinkIhavetoagreewithMaddieonthisone,”saysEmily.“Annieissosoftandsweetandvirginal.CanyouimagineherwithsomeonelikeWill?He’deatheralive.”
IthinkEmilymeantforthattosoundupsetting,butforsomereason,it’snotsoundingallthatunappealingtome.SomethingIwouldneveradmittomysisters,because,yes,theyunfortunatelyknowI’mavirginandremindmeeverydayofmylife.
“Hmm,”saysAmelia,withnarrowedeyesandasoftsmileinmydirection.“Whatdoyouthink,Annie?WouldyouandWillbegoodtogether?”
Immediatelymycheeksgohot.IfIsayyes,mysisterswilllaughandcontinuetopointoutalltheobviousreasonswe’renotrightforeachother.Ialreadyknowallthereasons(I’mahomebody—he’sadventurous.Hehasdatedcountlesswomen—Ican’tevengetaguytofinishadatewithme),soIdecidetoskiptheembarrassment.“AllIwantisaniceguywhoisgoingtobethereformeeveryday.”
“See,”saysMadisonwithaplayfulscoff.“DefinitelynotWill—BuzzFeed’ssexiestbodyguardandserialdater.AndbecauseAnniewillwaituntilshegetsmarriedtohavesex,andEmilyistoobossyforWill,IthinkIshouldbetheonetobringWillhomeforanight.”
Emilyhitsherwithapillow.“HowaboutnoneofusbringWillhome,andweallremainfriends?”
“Deal,”Iagreealittletooquickly.
“Fine.Damnpartypoopers,”saysMadisonbeforegoingtogetthebrowniesshewasbakingfromtheoven.Inthepresenceofchocolate,allmenareforgotten.
Thenexthourisspenttalkingabouttheweddingandgoingoverfinaldetailswe’vebeenmeaningtoplanwithAmelia.I’llbeprovidingtheflowers,andIcouldn’tbemoreexcited.Well,IcouldbemoreexcitedifIalsohadadatetotaketothewedding,butIguessthat’sbesidethepoint.
Later,afterwe’reallheadingoutforthenight,AmeliastopsmeatthedooronceEmilyandMaddiearewalkingtotheirtrucks.“Okay,soI’vebeenthinkingaboutyourdatingpredicamentandwhatyousaidafterthemovie.”
“DoyouthinkIshouldvisitaseniorcitizencentertofindanoldmantomarry?”
Ameliafrowns.“I’mdisturbedbyhowquicklyyousaidthat.Makesmethinkyou’vebeencontemplatingthatideaallalong.”
“Continuewithyourthoughts.”
Ameliasmiles.“I’mstillputtingallthepiecestogetherinmyheadrightnow,butifIhadawaytohelpyougetbetteratdating,wouldyouwanttodoit?”
“Sure,”Isayeasily,becausehonestly,ItrustAmeliawithmylife.I’ddoanythingsheaskedofme.Insomeways,IfeelclosertoherthanIdomysisters.Idon’tknowhowithappened,butwhenAmeliacameintomylife,ourbondfeltlikeonethathadbeenformingsincechildhood.“AllIwantistomarrysomeoneasperfectformeasNoahisforyouandmydadwasformymom.Ifyoucanhelpmemakethathappen,I’lldoanythingyousay.”
Ameliagivesmeawide(slightlydevious?)smile.“Perfect.I’llletyouknowwhenIfigureitout.”CHAPTERFIVEWill
Afterasleeplessnight,it’sfinallyanormalhourtogetupfortheday.Fivea.m.(Okay,soit’snormalformeatleast.)Itcarriesoverfrommymilitarydays.IservedintheAirForceforsixyearsonactivedutyasaSecurityForcesspecialist,andtwoyearsinthereserveswhiletrainingandstartingmycareerasanexecutiveprotectionagent,akaanEPA.Tobehonest,Ienteredthemilitaryforallthewrongreasons.Ithadneverbeenmydream,butwhenIneededapathtotakequickly,itwasthere.Idon’tregretmytimeinthemilitary,butitjustneverquitefeltrightforme.Therewasn’talotofhappinessinitforme.AndnowhereIam,yearfiveasanEPAandstillnotsurethisiswhatI’msupposedtobedoing.
IopenmyeyesandhavetoreorientwhereIam.Right.Rome,Kentucky,sleepingintheroomthatwillbemineforthenextmonth.Irollmyheadtotherightandamassaultedwithapieceofembroideryarthangingonthewall:BlessThisMess.It’sreallytoobadtheguardshackisn’tfinishedyet,andIhavetosleepattheinn.
SinceIwasherelast,AmeliaandNoahhavemadealotofalterationstotheirproperty.Notonlydidtheyinstallatop-of-the-linesecuritysystemaroundthehouseandtheperimeteroftheirproperty,buttheyarebuildingasecurityhouseonthepremises.Fornow,thereisasmallsurveillancetraileratthefrontofthepropertywhereHaroldmonitorsatnightandthentradesoffinthemorningwithanotherguy,Sam,tomonitorduringtheday.
I’veworkedforseveralcelebritiesduringmycareerasanexecutiveprotectionagent(orbodyguard,asthemassescallus),andeverycelebrityapproachestheirsecuritydifferently.Somethinkhavingasecurityteamisawasteofmoney,andtheydon’tputnearlyenoughintotheirownprotection.Ihateseeingthat.Usuallyittakessomethingreallyawfulhappeningtowakethemupandshowthemthatmoremoneyneedstobethrownintotheirsecuritybudget.
ButthentherearepeoplelikeAmelia,whohavealwaystakentheirsafetyseriously(exceptforthetimesheboltedinthemiddleofthenightanddidn’ttellanyofuswhereshewasgoing).Fortunately,thistownissafeforthemostpart,andnoone,noteventhepress,knewwhereshewasforawhile.Shewasneverinseriousdanger.PlusI’mconfidentNoahwouldhavebeattheshitoutofanyonewhocamenearher.Butnowwordhasgottenoutaspaparazzihavespottedherhereintown,which,unfortunately,hasputRomeonthemap.SoAmeliaputsanenormousamountofherincomeintosecurity,whichiswhyI’mhere.I’llfollowAmeliaaroundthroughthemonthandmakesureshestayssafeandunbothered.
Ontour,myjobisexcitingnearlyallthetime.Isweeplocationsbeforeshegoesin,andthenIaccompanyhereverywhere,constantlyscrutinizingthepeoplearoundus,andsometimesintentionallyblockingthepaparazzi’sviewifshedoesn’twanttobephotographedthatday.Andduringconcerts,Ihoverbackstage,readytohelprestrainanyoverzealousfanswhogetpaststagesecurityandontotheplatform.
Igenerallyonlyworkeighthoursatatimeunlesswehaveaconcertatnight,butIgetmorebreaksthanyou’dthink.UsuallywhenAmeliaisjusthangingathomeorinherhotelroom,thesurveillanceguystakeover.That’swhenIgetdowntimetoexplorewhatevercitywe’reinandmeetallkindsofpeople.Thankstomyjob,I’vegoneskydivinginParis,snorkelingintheBahamas,andATVridinginCapeTown.Ialwaystrytodoatleastoneexcitingthingthateachcityisknownfor.
ButnowI’minRome,Kentucky,staringatawhiteceilinginafrillybed-and-breakfastwhereabsolutelynothingexcitingtakesplace.There’sonlyonebarintownandnothingelse.Forgetadventure.LookslikeI’llhavetotakeupembroidery.
It’sonlyamonth,andit’sforAmelia,Iremindmyself.
Ithrowonapairofathleticshortsandrunningshoesandspendthenexthourjoggingthroughthisbackwoodscountrytown.MybadmoodslowlymeltsawayasIwatchthesuncomeupandhighlightthewheatandcornfields.Everythingisgoldforafewminutes,andalthoughI’vealwaysbeenmoreofacityguy,evenIcanadmitthatsummertimeinthecountryisbeautiful.Thegrassissogreenitalmostdoesn’tfeelreal.EventuallyIloopmywaythroughthetownjustasshopownersareopeningtheirdoors.
Andthat’swhenInoticeit:eyespeeringatmefromalldirections.Throughshopwindows.Peekingoutentrances.Aroundcorners.EventhoughI’mdrenchedwithsweatanddeadtired,IpickupmyspeedbecauseIsweareveryoneinthistownismovingoutoftheirshopslikeafreakyhorrormovietostareatmeasIrunby.Whatthehell?
WhenIfinallymakeitbacktotheinnandambentover,handsonmythighstryingtocatchmybreath,apairofblackflatsentersmylineofsight.Theystoprightnexttothebigdropofsweatthatjustfellfrommyforeheadtothepavement.It’ssohotoutIswearitsizzles.
IlookupandfindnoneotherthanAmeliaRoseinherdarkjeans,black-and-white-stripedtee,andatravelcoffeemuginhand—abigbagwithalogoforthelocaldinerhangsoffherarm.Hereyebrowslift,andI’mstilltoooutofbreathtosayanythingmorethan,“Hey.I’mbackintown.”
“Iseethat,”shesays,amusementcoloringhertone.“IwasjustpickingupsomebreakfastfromthedinerandthoughtI’dcomebyandmakesureyougotsettledin.Buthereyouare.”Shesipshercoffee,lookinglikeshecouldlaugh.
“HereIam.”Icanbarelybreathestill.
“Soyoujoggedthroughtownlikethat?”
“Likewhat?”Isay,finallystandingtomyfullheightandusingmywaddedupT-shirttosoakupthesweatfrommyfaceandneck.
“Barechestedandawalkingbillboardforyourtattooartist?”
IlookdownatmyabdomenasifI’mjustrealizingI’mnotwearingashirt.“Yeah,”Isay,lookingupatherandstillbreathingheavily.“Isthatbad?Isthereadresscodearoundhereforrunning?”
Againshesmirks.“Notofficially.ButIbettergetbackhomesoIcanfieldallthecallsabouttofloodmylandline.”
“Wait,why?”Iaskherretreatingback.
“Becausethegossiptrainisgoingtobechuggingalongatwarpspeedthismorning.Gottacatchitbeforeitgetstoofar!”Sheraiseshermug.“Comeuptothehouseafteryougetchanged.We’vegotlotsofbreakfasttoshare!”
Executiveprotectionagentsarenotsupposedtoenjoysit-downbreakfastswiththepeopletheyareprotecting.AndyetAmeliahasalwaysbeendeterminedtoaddmetohercircleoffriendsifit’sthelastthingshedoes.
—
Halfanhourlaterandfreshlyshowered,IknockonAmeliaandNoah’sfrontdoor.Sheopensitwithherlandlinephonestucktoherear.“Uh-huh.Absolutely.That’sanexcellentpoint,Harriet,I’llbesuretopassthatalong.”Shesmilesandwavesmeinside.
Ihavetostepoverthecurlyphonecordthatisrunningfromthekitchenaroundthesmallisland,disappearingaroundthecornerwall,andthendownthehallwayanduptothephoneshe’sholding.It’salsoloopedoncearoundherwaist.
Ameliapointstowardthelivingroom,gesturingformetogoinandhaveaseat.Shespendsthelastbitofherconversationonthephoneunravelingherselffromthecord.Ihearadooropenandshutbehindme,andwhenIseeNoahappearfromthehallway,Istand.
“Will,”hesayscomingintotheroomandextendinghishand.Iclaspit,andwegiveeachotherafirmshake.“It’sgoodtohaveyouback.”
IgenuinelylikeNoah.AmeliadatedafewguysbeforehimwhoseteethIwantedtoknockdowntheirthroats.Butthisguyislegit.He’sloyalandputsAmeliafirst.Itrusthimandheseemstotrustme.
“It’sgoodtobeworkingforAmeliaagain.”
Hegrins.“I’mnotsurethetownsharesyourjoy.”
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”MyeyestrackhisgazeovermyshouldertowhereAmeliaisstillonthephone,noddingabsentmindedlytowhoeverisblabberingherearoff.
“That’sherfourthcallsinceyougotbackfromyourrun.”
WebothturnourattentiontoAmeliaasshefinisheshercall,slowlymovingthephonefromherear,closerandclosertothereceiverateveryword.“Yep…Uh-uh…Absolutely…Okay…Iwill…Byenow!”Shehangsupandsagsdramaticallyagainstthewall,slidingallthewaytothefloor.Andthenshepoints,levelingherfingeratme.“You!”
“Me?”Isaywithliftedbrows,pointingatmyself.
“Yes,you!Youjusthadtorunthismorningwithyourshirtoff,causinganuproarintheentiretown.”
“Areyoukidding?”Thishastobesomesortofjoke.
Noahshakeshishead.“Nope.Town’sinatizzy.Youreallydiditthistime.”
Ameliastandsandwalksintothelivingroom.“IjustgotoffthephonewithHarriet,whodidnotatallappreciatethewayyouparadedyournakednessaroundtown—invitingtheunmarriedyoungladiestostumbleintolust.”
Myjawfallsopen.I’mspeechless.
Noahshakeshisheadatme.“Sounthoughtful.Areyoutryingtoseducethem?Yourfirstdayonthejob?”
“Who?Theyoungladies?”Iraisemyhands.“No.Iswear.IjustgothotandtookoffmyshirtlikeInormallydo,and…”IpausewhenIhearbothoftheirbarelycontainedlaughter.“Andyou’remessingwithme.”
Noahnodsthistime,smirking.“We’remessingwithyou.”Hewalksbyandclapsmeontheshoulder.“WelcomebacktoRome.Wherenoonehasanythingtodobutcomplainaboutoneanother.”
HepassesAmeliaandstopstokissheronthemouth—notalongkissandnotashortkisseither.Just…heartfelt.Irubmychest.“Igottagettowork.I’llseeyaafterawhile.AndWill,”heturnsbacktome.“Pleasedoyourbesttokeepyourdamnclothesontoday.”
“I’lltry.”
Oncehe’soutthedoor,AmeliapoursmeacupofcoffeeandIsitattheirlittlekitchentable.Wecatchupforafewminutes,andshetellsmewhat’sbeengoingoninmoredetailwiththepressandafewsuperfanswhogetalittletoocloseforcomfort.Wesetupagameplanforthemonthanddecidethatwe’llgoonaday-to-dayschedulingbasis.Amorningmeetuptoseewhatherplansarefortheday,andthenI’llbearoundtoescortherintotownandanywhereelsesheneedstogo,butIdon’tneedtohangaroundwhileshe’shomeorinherstudio.She’sapparentlyworkingonanewalbumandwillspendalotoftimehere,andI’llbelefttomyownfunwhileshedoes.Goody.
She’shopefulthatafterthewedding,everythingwillcalmdown.Eitherway,Iplanonaskingtobetransferredtoadifferentclientafterthemonthisup.NotbecauseIdon’tlikeworkingforAmelia—Ialwayshave—butIwon’tstayputinthistownforaminutelongerthannecessary.Boredomdoesnotsuitme.
“Sothatsoundsgoodtoyou?”sheasks.
Inod.“Soundsgreat.I’mhereforanythingyouneed.Seriously,yardwork?Gutterscleaned?I’myourguy.YouknowIgetstir-crazywhenIhavenothingtodo.”
Amelialaughs.“Idoknow.WhichiswhyI’mhappytohearyousayyou’dbewillingtohelpoutwithotherthingsinyourdowntime.”
Isitforward,eagertoknowwhatshehasinmind.“Yes,anything.Nameit.”
IfI’mnotmistaken,hersmileturnsalittlemischievous.Anyoneelsewouldseethatsmileandthinkshewasimplyingsomethingsexual.ButknowingAmeliaasIdo,it’sdefinitelynotthat.It’ssomethingdifferent.Somethingtricky.SomethingI’mnotgoingtowanttodo.
“Great.Forstarters,doyoumindtakingaletterintotownforme?”
“Sure,”Isay,draggingoutthewordtoletherknowI’montoher.“Liketothepostoffice?”
“Nope.”Shegrinswider.“Totheflowershop,actually.”
Andbecausethere’sonlyoneflowershopintown,thatmeansI’llbeseeingAnnieWalkertoday.Shit.
IfIwasn’tonedgebefore,onmywayoutthedoorwithadiscreetlittlewhiteenvelopeinhand,Ameliacallsout,“Hey,Will!”
“Yeah?”
“Don’tsayno,okay?”
“Towhat?”
“Towhat’sinthatenvelope.”Thelookonherfaceisallpleaandgenuinesomething.“Pleasedon’tsayno.”CHAPTERSIXWill
Thistimeformytripintotown,I’mfullydressed.Itdoesn’tseemtostopeveryonefrompoppingtheirheadsoutofstorefrontstostare.Iwaveataladywhoemergesfromthequiltshop.Sheblushesandwavesback.Alittlefartherdown,amanrushesoutofthehardwarestore(IthinkIrememberhisnameisPhil)andasksifIneedanytools.Tapemeasuresareonsaletoday,heinformsmeeagerlyandwitheyesthatcanonlybedescribedasslightlyferal.
“I’mgoodfortoday,thankyou.”Itrytosteparoundhim,buthestepstoo.IthinkmaybehewantssomeinsurancethatI’llonlyshopinhisstoreforanythinghandymanrelatedwhileI’mhere,sowithawidesmile,Itagon,“ButIknowwheretogoifIneedanything.”
“Sureyoudo!”hebeamsback,slightlyoverthetopinadisconcertingway.Hethenyellsoverhisshouldertoaguyabouthissameagewritinginchalkontheirpropped-upstreetsign.“Todd!Isaidtapemeasuresareonsaletoday.Notscrewdrivers.”
Toddsighsandsilentlywipesawayhisintricatelydetailedhandiwork,startingover.Man—poorTodd.
“Right,well,I’mactuallyheadedtowardtheflowershop,so…”Kindlygetoutofmyway.
Hiseyesnarrow.“Ah,goingtoseeourAnnie,areyou?”
“Sortof—butnotspecifically.”Imovetotherightofthesidewalk,andhemoveswithme.Again.
“Sure,sure.Igetit.Thekidsareallagainstcommitmentthesedays.It’ssupposedlycooltokeepyouroptionsopen.”Hedoesairquoteswhenhesayscool.
Ishiftonmyfeetandeyehim,feelinglikeI’mmissingsomethinghere.Ichuckleinaneasy-naturedway,though.“Listen,Phil,right?I’mjustrunninganerrandformyboss.”EveryoneknowsIworkforAmelia,butI’mcarefulanyway.“AnerrandwhichIreallyneedtobegettingto.Soifyoudon’tmind,I’llneedaraincheckonourchat.”Kindbutfirm.Theever-presenttightropeIwalk.
ItrytoedgearoundhimbutabruptlystopwhenIfeelPhil’shandsplayoutacrossmychest.IslowlylookdownathisfingersandeveryounceofcongenialityIfeeldissolves.NowI’mfightingtheurgetowrapmyhandaroundhiswristandtwistitbehindhisback.Ihatethatthat’smyfirstinstinctwhenI’mtouchedwithoutwarning.PartofmewondersifmaybeI’vebeendoingthisjobtoolong.ButwhatelsewouldIdo?
Iforcemyselftobreatheandrelax—becausethisisPhil,amanwhohaslivedinthistownhiswholelifeandhaslikelywatchedAnniegrowup.Soinsteadofshovinghimbackwardwithawarningtonottouchmeagain,Ilookhimintheeyesandlisten.
“OurAnnieisasweetie,youknow?”He’ssayingitinacheerytone,butthere’sanedgetoitthatIdon’tmiss.Unspokenwordsofwarning:ourAnnieisasweetie,sodon’tmesswithher,orI’llcutoffyourballswiththechainsawwehaveonsaletodayfor50percentoff.Philandhisblue-and-white-stripedcollaredshirt,khakishorts,tubesocksoverhisankles,anddadtennisshoesisthreateningme.Me—ahighlytrainedexecutiveprotectionagentwhospecializesinhand-to-handcombat,evasivemaneuvering,andweaponstraining.Andguesswhat?It’sworking.Philhasthefatherlystaredownthatmakesmybloodcurdle.
“Iknow,”Isayhonestly,becauseonlyonelookinAnnie’ssoftblueeyesisenoughtoinformapersonthatshehaskindnessandempathyspillingoutofhersoul.
Philnods.“Idon’twanttohearofanyone—andIdomeananyone—hurtingourgirl.Understand?”
IrespectPhilandhistube-sock-wearingselfmore,evenifIamalittleirritatedathisinsinuationthatIwouldpurposelyhurther.Oranywoman.“Iunderstand,sir.”
Hepatsmychestandremoveshishand.“Andwearashirtwhenyoujogfromnowon.YouaboutmadeGemmapassoutintoherclearancefabricbinthismorning.Wouldaneverfoundherafterthat.”
Onemonth.Icandothisforonemonth.Thirtydays.I’veenduredworse.CHAPTERSEVENAnnie
Heavenwillundeniablybemadeupofflowers.
There’snothingintheworldthatboostsmymoodlikestandinginmyflowershopandtakinginadeepbreathofflowers.Themorningsunshinespillsthroughthelarge,shop-frontwindowsandkissestherainbowofbloomsburstingfromeverycornerofmylittleshop.
Iwishmymomcouldseeit.Sheadoredflowers—andwaseventheonewhostartedtheflowercroponourlocalfarmwhereIbuymywholesaleflowers.She’sthereasonmyshopisnamedCharlotte’sFlowers.Andasstrangeasitsounds,Itriedtomatchthespacetomymom’ssmile.Bright,open,welcoming,hopeful.Ibarelygotthechancetoknowher,andyetIacheforheroften.Toknowwhatshe’dthinkofthewoodenbucketsfilledwithlong-stemmedflowersliningtheperimeteroftheshop.Wouldshelikethelightwide-plankflooring?IthinkshewouldlovethegiantoldfarmtableinthebackcenteroftheroomIfoundforastealatafleamarket.
WhatwouldMomsayaboutthevoidIcan’tseemtogetridof?SomehowIfeellikeI’vebetrayedherbyopeningherdreamflowershopandrealizingit’snotenoughforme.It’sgottobethatmyheartisreadyforloveandmarriageandafamily,andwhenIgetallofthosethings,I’llbecontent.Imean,onelookatapictureofmyparentswouldtellyouthattheyhadeverythingtheyneededineachother.Theyexudedjoyandpeace.Iwantthat.
CurrentlyIshouldbefinishingthebouquetJamescalledinearlierthathe’llbepickingupsoon;instead,I’mbusywithVeryImportantWork.(SneakinginachapterofthelatestpirateromanceIcan’tputdown.)
Coraline’sbreastswereheavingabovethetightbodiceofhergowninamannerthatdroveAllistairmadwithdesire.Unabletokeephimselfawayanylonger,hesnakedhisarmaroundCoraline’swaistandpulledhertightlytohim.“Coraline,”hewhispered,hismouthonlyabreathaboveherown.“Please.Ibegyou.Allowmeto—”
Thebellabovemyshopdoorchimes,andIbarelymanagetonotaudiblygroanfromhowannoyedIamatbeinginterruptedrightasAllistairwasbeggingCoralinetolethim…what?Kissher?Makelovetoher?Ineedtoknow!
Ilookup,gasp,andthrowmybookovermyshoulder,somewhereintotheabyssofmystorageroom.
Thereisamanstandinginmyshopwitharoguishsmileandasleeveoftattoos.
“Hi,”saysWillGriffinlookingfartooamused.“AmIinterruptingsomething?”
“No.”Ianswertooquickly.
Hesmilescuriously.“Butyoudidjustthrowabookbehindyou,right?”
“No.”Again,tooquick.Iswallowandtellmyskintostopboiling.“ButifIdid—hypotheticallyspeaking—itwouldbebecauseIdon’twantyoutoknowwhatbookI’mreading.Sopleasedon’taskanymorequestions.”
Hissmilewidensasheadvancesintotheshoptostandrightinfrontofmyworktable.“Isee.Theillusiveif-I-tell-you-I’ll-have-to-kill-youbook.Butyoushouldknow,it’stortureinandofitselfnotknowingwhatbookitis.”
Gosh.Speakingoftorture.It’snearlyunbearabletolookrightintoWill’seyes.It’slikestaringatthesun.Toopowerfulformeremortals.
Ipurposelychangethesubject.“WhatcanIhelpyouwith,Will?Areyouhereforflowersorareyouonbodyguardduty?”
“Executiveprotectionagent.”
Ifrownandheseesmyconfusion.
“Weprefertobecalledexecutiveprotectionagents.ButcurrentlyIthinkIfallmoreunderthetitleoferrandboy.”Heextendsasmallenvelopeacrossthetabletome,andmybrainmomentarilyblankswhenmygazeconnectswiththeblackinkofhisbutterflytattoosoclosetome.Somethingaboutitfeelsillegal.Likeit’ssosexythatthisman’shandshouldbeonalistofMostDangerousMaleshiddeninatopsecretfilingcabinetoftheFBI.
“Ihavenoideawhat’sinit,”headmitswhenIfinallytaketheletterfromhim—carefultomakesureourhandsdon’tbrushintheprocessbecauseIhavenodesiretospontaneouslycombustrighthereinmyflowershop.“AmeliajustaskedmetobringittoyouandforyoutoopenitwhileI’mhere.”
“Seemskindofodd,”Isay,andWilljustshrugshisshoulders—whiteT-shirtstrainingagainsthismusclesashedoes.
Hiseyeswanderfrommetothebucketsofflowersagainstthewallbeforehetuckshishandseasilyintothefrontpocketsofhisjeans,turningawaytoexploretheshop.Irealizethisisthefirsttimehe’severbeeninhere.Whenhewasintownlast,healwayshoveredoutsidewhicheverestablishmentAmeliawasin,onlyenteringiftherewasalargecrowd.ButthisisRome,andthereisnevermorethanoneortwopeopleinanestablishmentatatime.
EventhoughI’mcuriouswhyAmeliawouldsendmealetterviaherbodyguard,ittakesmeaminutetopeelmyeyesawayfromWillandthewayhe’stakingineverydetailofmyshop.Hetouchespetalsandstems.Helooksup,exposingthelongcolumnofhisthroattolookatthethickcrownmoldingaroundthetopperimeteroftheshop.Tapshisfootagainstthewideplankfloors.Icouldwatchhimdothisallday.
Insteadofbeingcreepy,however,IforcemyselftocrackopenthesealoftheenvelopeandreadAmelia’shandwriting.Afterquicklyscanningherwords,Ipromptlyfoldtheletterandconsiderputtingitinmymouthandswallowingsoit’sneverseenagain.
“What’sitsay?”Willasks,havingturnedaroundand,apparently,watchedmereadit.
“Nothing.”Myvoiceissuspiciouslyprim.Iwalktotheshopdoorandflingitopen.“Well,I’msureyou’vegotlotsofthingstodotoday.Don’tletmekeepyou.Thanksforbringingthisby!”
“Idon’tthinkso.”Hetakesholdofitshandleandslowlyclosesthedoor.Heturnshiseyestome.“Whatwasinthatletter?”
Igivehimanonchalantsmile.“Oh,youknow,nothingimportant.Girlstuff.”
Hestepscloser,andItakeoneinstinctivestepaway.NotbecauseIfeelthreatened,butbecauseIfeel…theoppositeofthreatened.
“Iknowthatletterhadsomethingtodowithme.”
Italkoutofthesideofmymouthlikeaventriloquist.“Someone’sabitofanarcissist.”
“Annie.Showmetheletter.”Will’stoneiscalculatinglyeasyandhissmileisdrippingwithseduction.He’sbaitingme.
Idon’tknowwhatcomesoverme,butbeforeIcanstopmyself,thewords,“Youcan’tmakeme,”flyoutofmymouth.
Hissmilemeltsintosomethingroguishandchallenging.“Wannabet?”Hestepscloser,andanexcitementI’veneverknowntwirlsthroughmyveins.
ThereisabsolutelynowayI’mlettingWillGriffingetaholdofthisletter.WhatwasAmeliathinking?It’sembarrassing!It’saterribleidea!WhichmakestheletterTerriblyEmbarrassing
Willstepscloser—slowly—andwitheverystephetakes,myskinsizzleshappily.Whichisconfusingbecausethisisnotthetimetothinkofhappysizzles.
Ipinchtheletterfiercelybetweenmyfingersusingeverymusclemypoorlittleunder-tonedfingerswillprovide,andthentuckitbehindmyback.“Thisletterisn’tforyou,sir.”
“Butit’saboutme,right?”
“No.”Iholdmychinhigher.
Hegrins.“You’relying.”
“Andhowwouldyouknowthat?”
“BecauseI’vewatchedyou.Iknowyourtell.”
Thefloorswoopsundermyfeet.“You’ve…watchedme?”
Hedoesn’tlookembarrassedorlikehe’sjustadmittedsomethingcreepy.Hestatesitlikeafact.“It’smyjobtowatchandlistentoeveryoneAmeliainteractswith.Andthatincludesyou.WhichishowIknowthatwhenyou’renottellingthewholetruth,youalwaysliftyourchinslightly.Likeyouhavetomusterupthecouragetotellalie.It’scute.”
Ugh,Iwishhewouldn’tsay“cute.”It’sdisorienting.Complimentsfromhimmakemedizzy.Ah,butthat’shismotive,isn’tit?!He’slikethesnakeinTheJungleBook,growingcloserwithswirlyhypnotizingeyes.
“WebothknowI’mgoingtogetthatletter,Annie,sohowaboutyouhanditoverandsaveusbothsometime.”HisvoiceissocharmingandplayfulthatIcouldmelt.Andwithhimthisclose,Icansmellhim.Amixofbodywashanddeodorant—butnotcologne.Asubtlemasculineandcleanscentthat’ssogoodithurts.
“You’llhavetotrytostealitfrommeifyouwantit.Becausethere’snowayI’mgivingyouthisletter.”
Hechucklessoftandlow—likeI’madorableforevenconsideringgoingagainsthim.“I’mnottryingtostealanything.Iamsucceedinginstealingit.Yourfirstmistakewaseverlettingmegetthisclose.”
“Oh?Thenhowistheletterstillinmyhand?”
“It’snot.Youdroppeditaminuteago.”
Igaspandbreakeyecontacttoverifythatthepaperisinfactstillpinchedbetweenmyfingers,andwhenIdo,Willusesmymomentarydisorientationtolurchforwardfastaslightningandslipthepaperfrommygrasp.
“Andthat’showyouliewithoutatell,AnnieWalker,”hesayswithagleefulsmile.“Nowlet’sseewhatAmeliawroteaboutmeinhere,shallwe?”
HebarelygetshislastwordoutbeforeIlaunchmyselfathim,intentonrippingthatpaperfromhishand,andthentearingitintoamillionlittleunreadableslivers.ButIforgetthatI’mfivefootthree,andhe’satleastsixfeetormoreandeasilyholdstheletterabovehisheadtobeginreadingasIjumplikeachildtryingtopluckanapplefromatree.
Heclearshisthroatdramatically.“DearAnnie!RememberwhenIsaidIhadasolutiontoyourdatingproblems?”
“Givemethatletter!”
“Well,I’vebroughthimrighttoyourdoor.I’mconvincedWillisexactlywhoyouneedtoo—”
“William!”Iyellloudly,myownvoicescrapingagainstmynervesasIcontinuetohopandtugandcirclehimforthatletter.“Youcan’treadthis!It’sembarrassing.”
Thistimehelowerstheletterinfrontofmyfacelikebait.Itdangleslightlybetweenhisfingerandthumb.Ipursemylipstogetherknowingfullwellhe’sgoingtopullitawaythesecondIgoforit,butIstilldoitanyway.Andyep,heimmediatelyyanksittotheright—outofmyreach.We’rechesttochestnow.Myfaceistiltedupandhisistilteddown.IcouldkisshimrightnowifIwantedto.
Whereintheworlddidthatthoughtcomefrom?
“WhatmakesyouthinkmynameisWilliam?”hesaysquietly,likewe’relyingtogetherinbedratherthandukingitoutinaflowershop.
“Fine.Pleasegivemetheletter,Wilson,”Iwhisperinreturn.
Hegrins.“DefinitelynotafterrealizingI’mthesolutiontoyourdatingproblems.I’msointriguedIcouldnevergiveitbacknow.”
Igrowlandlungeforthepaper.Herainbowsitupoverhisheadandtotheotherside.
“Wilbert,pleasegiveittomerightnoworI’llbeforcedto…sayrudethingstoyou.”
“Sopolitetowarnme,”hesaysinanimpressedtoneofvoice.Likehe’ssecondsawayfromlaughing.“IthinkI’dliketoheartherudethings.”
ThistimeIgrabhisbicepandhaulitdown.Giventhathe’stwicemysizeandIhaven’texercisedanythingmorethanmywitinyears,Iknowhe’slettingmedoit.ButIusehispitytomyadvantageandtwisthisarmovermyshoulder,whirlingsomybackistohimandIcangrabthepaperfromhishanddanglinginfrontofme.IexperiencemomentarytriumphwhereI’msureI’mtheworld’snewestStrongWomanuntilWillwrapshisotherarmaroundmeandholdsmeinabackwardhug.Hishandscovermine,sonowwe’rebothholdingthepaper.Ifeelhisbreathagainstmyear.“What’syourrudecomment,Annie?”
Ashiverripplesthroughme.I’veneverfeltsoalive.
“It’sgoingtobeawful,”Itaunt—strugglingtobreathenormallywiththefeelofhisstrongyetgentlearmsencirclingmeandthebutterflieswhirlingaroundinmystomach.“Supermean.”
“I’mbraced.Letmehaveit.”
IswallowandturnmychinsoI’mlookingathiseyes—socloseIcouldusearulerandmeasurethatblackrimaroundhisblue-grayiriseswithprecision.“You’reacting…likea…stingy…buttmunch!”
Hegasps.“Buttmunch?You’vecutrightthroughmyheart.Idon’tevenknowwhatthatisbutI’mdevastated.”
I’mlaughingsohardnowthatIcanbarelystayupright.Mykneesarebuckling,andWillisusinghisarmstoholdmeupashelaughstoo.
“Fine,”Isaystumblingoutofhisholdtowavehimoff.“Igiveup.You’reclearlynotgoingawaysojustreaditandgetitoverwith.”
Hecatcheshisbreath,watchingmewithonlythesuggestionofagrinasheunfoldsthepaper.“Youknow,Ithoughtyouweresupposedtobeshy.”
Ishrug.“Iamwithmostpeople.”But,oddly,notyou,iswhatIleaveunspoken.
Willreadstheletter,andIwatchhimcloselyashiseyesscanthewords.BecauseIreaditfirst,IknowthatAmelia(awomanwhohaslosthermarbles)suggestsIaskWilltobemydatingcoach.Shethinksweshouldgoonpracticedates,andhecanhelpmenavigatemyFirstDateAnxiety.ShehelpfullypointsoutthatWillhasnothadanyshortageofdatesoverthefewyearsshe’sknownhim,andhe’sconsideredaproatit.Sheaddsthatdespitethetattoosandmenacingpersona,he’safantasticguyandwouldabsolutelysayyes.Tothis,ImentallylaughbecauseIdon’tfindWillmenacingatall.Enticing,yes.Wouldlookincredibleonthecoverofahistoricalromance?Absolutely.Afraidofhim?Nope.Notabit.
AmeliaendstheletterbytellingmetobebraveandthenasksmewhatAudreywoulddo.Acheaptrick,AmeliaRose.
It’snotbraveryI’mlacking—theissueistheloudalarmringinginmyear,warningmethatthisisabadidea.Ican’taskWilltopracticedatemebecause,well,justlookathim!Iclearlyhaveamajorcrush,andjudgingbyhowmybodyreactswhenhe’saround,thissuggestionhasdisasterwrittenalloverit.I’llgetfeelingsalltangledupandthenbeconfusedaboutwhatmygoalreallyis.I’maself-awaregal,andIknowmyflaws.Fallingquicklyforhunkymysteriousmenwholooklikepiratesanddon’tdorelationshipsisdefinitelyoneofthem.
ButIalsocan’tfallforWillbecausehe’snotthekindofmanIwanttomarry.Ineeddependable,sweet,andcozy.Someonetomatchmyvibes.Someonetobeagreatdadtoourfuturechildrenandhelpwithmathhomeworkandplaycatchintheyard.Incomparison,Willisdangerous,andsexy,andexciting.Theonlythinghe’llcatchismyheartbeforehetossesitontothegroundandstompsitintoamilliontinylittlepiecesbeforesailingoffintothesunset.
He’stakingforevertoreadthisletter.Idissecthisexpressionshopingforacluetowhat’sgoingoninhishead.Hegivesmebarelyanythingbecausehehasaverygoodpokerface,whichIassumewaslearnedfromyearsofbodyguarding.Hisjawflexesandminedoestoo.HiseyebrowtwitchesandItwitchmine.Andthenabruptlyhiseyescuttome,andhegrinsbecausehewaswatchingmefromthecornerofhiseyethewholetime.
Well.
Heturnsawayfrommetofinishtheletter,andIrollmyeyes.
Thebellabovemyshopdoorchimes,andmyattentionisforcedawayfromscrutinizingWill’severymovetoseemyfavoriteandmostchallengingcustomerstrollin.“Buckleup,Buttercup!I’vegotanorderforyouthat’seithergoingtomakeyoucrytearsofjoyordistress.We’llsee.”
Ms.Mabel,mygrandma’sbestfriendofmorethanfiftyyearsandalsothewomanwhohelpedraisemeandmysiblings,stepsthroughthedoor—floralprintdressclingingtohervoluptuousformandswayinglightlyatthehem.She’sbreathingheavily,likeshepowerwalkedhere,andhasherleatherpurseclutchedtoheramplebreast.
“Goodmorning,Mabel!Whatsortoforder—”
I’mcutoffwhensuddenlytheshopdoorfliesopenlikeasaloondoor.IhalfexpectMabeltowhirlaroundanddrawasix-shooterfromagarterunderherskirt.
“Ineedfifteenflowerarrangementsincolorsofpinkandwhitebytomorrownight!”
“Damnyou,Harriet!Igotherefirst,”Mabelhuffs.
“Don’tcurseatme.It’snotmyfaultyoudawdled.”ThesetwohavebeenbickeringsinceIwasborn.Notsurewhatstartedit,butI’mconfidentitwillcontinueuntilthey’rebothintheirgraves.Maybeevenpastthegrave.MabelwillhauntHarriet’sburialsite,drawinginappropriatepicturesonhergravestone,andHarrietwillretaliatebybringinginaheavenlychoirtosingatthetopoftheirlungsaroundMabel’srestingplace.
Mabelputsherhandsonherhipsandscowls.“I’minchargeofflowersfortheladies’tea.AndIwantpurpleflowers.”
Harriet,withherchestheavingunderherveryappropriategrayA-linedressthatperfectlymatcheshergraytightlycoiledhair,fullyenterstheshop.“StandingupfromthetableinthemiddleofourplanningsessionandrunningfortheflowershopthesecondDelorismentionedneedingarrangementsdoesn’tmakeyouinchargeofflowers.”
“Now,ladies,”Isayinasofttone.“There’snoneedtoargue.Mabel,putdownthatrose.Respectfully,ifyousmackHarrietwithit,you’regoingtohavetobuyit.”Mabelharrumphsandresheathstheroseintoitsrightfulbucket.“HowaboutIputyournamesinahattodecidewho’sincharge?Orbetteryet,wecandohalfthearrangementspinkandwhiteandhalfpurpleandwhite.”
“Or,”Mabelsaysassheinchestowardthedoor,herleathersupportloaferssquelchinglightlywitheachstep.Sheputsherhandonthedoorhandleandcontinues,“Wecanputittoavoteattheplanningcommittee.I’llgotellthem!Nicetoseeyoubackintown,William!”Sheflingsopenthedoorandmakesamaddashthroughit,heel-toeingitpasttheshopwindowanddownthesidewalk.
“Thatdirtycheat!She’sgoingtopromiseDeloristheuseofherdiningroomforbunconightifshevotesforherbeforeIgetthere.”Andoutsheracesinadashofblandgrayness.
Withasmileonmyface,Iturnbacktothestore,nearlyjumpingoutofmyskinwhenIseeWillstaringatme.
HelevelsmewithalooksopotentIthinkI’llfallflatonmyback.
“Myanswerisno.Ican’tbeyourdatingcoach.”CHAPTEREIGHTWill
Annie’shandsgotoherhips.“Well,fortherecord,Ithoughtitwasabadideaatfirst,butwhydoyouthinkit’sabadidea?”
Icanthinkofamillionandtworeasons.ButthefirstandmostimportantisthatI’mmiserablyattractedtoAnnieandneedtostayasfarawayfromheraspossibleoverthenextmonth.Ihaven’tbeenabletogetheroffmymindsincelastnight.Ievendreamedabouther.
Damnthatdream.
Iabsolutelycan’tgetinvolvedwithher.Notonlybecauseshe’sAmelia’ssoon-to-besister-in-law,butbecauseAnnierepresentseverythingIavoid.Commitment.Relationship.Longevity.MybrainseesherandsuperimposesabigNope!signaboveherhead.Absolutelynot.
“Because,”Isay,wishingthatwasenoughofananswer.“Haveyouneverseenthemovieslikethis?Thewomanalwayshastodoabunchofshitshedoesn’tliketodo,likegotoplacesthatmakeheruncomfortable,changeherstyle,andstepoutsideofhernormalworld.Andthen,bytheendofthemovie,theguyfallsinlovewithherandeverythinggetscomplicated.No,itsoundslikeaterribleidea.NottomentionI’mopposedtothewholelovething.Idon’twantarelationshipwithanyoneever—andwhyareyousmilingatmelikethat?”
Herblueeyesaresparklingwithdangerousideas.“Ohmygosh.Ameliaisright.Youareperfectforthejob.”
Istareincredulouslyather.“Wereyouevenlisteningjustnow?”
“Yes,andIheardamanwho’sveryqualifiedtobeadatingcoach.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mnot.I’mnotdoingit.”
“ButwhatifIpromiseIwon’tfallinlovewithyou?”shesaysasifthat’saflatteringoption.“You’renotthekindofguyI’mlookingforanyway.”
“Wow.Ifeelgreatnow.Thankyou.”
“Comeon,Will!It’sperfect.”
“Annie…”InstinctivelyItakeastepback,butshefollows.I’veneverfelthuntedmorethanIdoatthismoment.IwishIcouldn’tsayIdon’tlikeit.
“Wildon,pleasebemytutor.”
Ishakemyhead,tryingnottolaughwhileskirtingaroundher.AminuteagoIwastheoneholdingallthepower,andsomehowsheflippedthescriptandhasmecrossingtothecompleteoppositesideoftheshoptoescapeher.“Whydoyouneedatutorsobadly?”
“BecauseI’dreallyliketogetmarriedbeforeI’meighty,andmylastdatewasadisaster.”
“Itcouldn’thavebeenadisaster.”
“Adisaster,”sherepeatsfirmly,witheyeswideopen.“Rememberhowheleftatthebeginningofthedate?BeforethatIoverheardhimonthephonetellhisfriendthatIwasunbelievablyboring.Toodulltohookupwith.”
Rageswiftlyandfuriouslysweepsoverme.“Whatadick.Tellmehisname.I’mgoingto—”
“Hedidn’tmeanformetooverhearit,”Anniesays,stickingupforamanwhodoesn’tdeserveit.“Andthefactis,hewasn’twrong.Ithoughtbackonthedate,and…Ireallywasboring.Icouldn’tthinkofanythingtotalkabout.Ineedhelplearninghowtobefunondates.”
ButasIlookatAnnie’sflushedfaceandsparklingeyes,herwordsstilldon’tsitright.Sheshouldn’thavetochangeherself.
Ileancloser.“Ifanyjackassthinksyou’reboring,that’shisproblem,notyours.”
Shelooksaway.“Youonlysaythatbecauseyou’veneverbeencalledboring,ordull,orwholesome.Onelookatyouandeveryoneknowsyou’retheantithesisofthosewords.Butme—IneedsomehelporI’mnevergoingtofindsomeone.Ineedacoach.”
ThelongerIstareatAnnie,themoreIitchtodestroythemanwhomadeherdoubtherself.“No.Absolutelynot.Youdeservemorethanthekindofguyyouwentoutwith,andI’ddieonthishill.You’llfindsomeonewhoseesyouforwhoyoureallyare.”
Anniecompletelydisregardsmythoughtfulmonologue.
“Ugh.Please,Will!”sheasksinanover-the-topbegthatmakesmehavetosmotheragrin.
“No.”
Shepropsherhandonherhip.“Areyouworriedyou’regoingtofallinlovewithme?”
“Nope,I’mnot.”
“Well,then,wedon’thaveanyissues!”
“You’renotlisteningtome.IhaveissuesbecauseIdon’twantanypartofthisplan.It’sabadideatochangeyourself.”Andevenmore,Idon’twanttoseeanypartofAnniechange.Notasinglething.I’venevermetanyonelikeherbefore—anditwouldbeadamnshameforhertomorphintosomepopularsocialconstructofwhatawomanshouldbelikeondates.Ihateit.Ifsomejackassdoesn’ttakethetimetopeelbackherlayersofnervousnesstofindoutwhoshereallyis,hedoesn’tdeservetohaveherwhenshe’sathermostcomfortable.
Anniefollowsmeacrosstheroom—holdingherletterinfrontofherlikeshe’sgatheringsignaturesforapetition.“Iwouldn’tbechangingmyself.I’djustbegettingmorecomfortablebeingmyselfondates.Plusmaybealittlechanginghereandthereasneeded.”
“Iwouldratherwaxoffmyeyebrowscompletely.”
“Rude.”
Withoutthinking,IplacemyhandsonAnnie’sshoulders.Theshockofhersoftwarmskinagainstmyroughpalmsmomentarilysetsmeoff-kilter.AhumofdesirepulsesthroughmesostrongandsuddenthatIhavetopullmyhandsback.FurtherevidencethatIcannotbesomesortofdatingtutorforher.Fantasiesarebuiltonthatkindofshit.
“I’mnotdoingit,”Isayfirmly.Final.Endofstory.
Annie’sshoulderssink,andIfeelbadforlettingherdown.Butstill—Iwon’tbeapartofthereasonshe’snotAnnieanymore.
“Fine,”shesays,stiffeningintoamorestubbornpose.“ThenI’lljusthavetohiresomeoneelsetodoit.”SheturnsandstartswalkingbacktowardwhereIassumeherstoreroomislocated.
“Likewho?”Ifollowher.
Sheroundstheworktable,andIgoaroundtheoppositesideuntilwemeetinthemiddle.Shecutshereyestodirectlylookintomine.“Someone.”Sheblinkstwice.“Someonegoodatbeingsexywhocanhelpmebesexytoo.”Twomoreblinks.“Maybeamaleescort.”
Iwhistlequietly.“Amaleescort?NowayisAnnieWalkergoingbad.Areyougoingtopayextraforthesextoo?”
Hereyesflareeversoslightly,butthenherchinlifts.“AbsolutelyI’mgoingtopayextraforthe…sex.”Shedropshervoicetoawhisperonthelastword,makingmelaugh
“Igottaseethis.Promisemeyou’llbringhimaroundonceyou’vehiredhim?”
“Oh,IdoubtIwill,”Anniesaysassheheadsintothestoreroom.Ifollowagainandthenstopabruptlyinthedoorwaywhen,fasterthanIexpected,shesurfacesholdingasmallbouquetofprearrangedflowers.We’restandingtogether,bookendedbyeithersideofthedoorway.“We’llbetoobusyformetobringhimbywithhimteachingmeallkindsofthings.”
Inarrowmyeyesandtipforwardtoleanmyhandonthedoorframeoverhershoulder.“JusttoclarifyandmakesureIunderstandthewholepicture.You’resayingyou’llbetoobusywithyourmaleescort?”
“Yes,withmy…”Shebrieflyglancesatmyforearmbesideherheadandthenweaklyfinisheshersentence,“maleescort.”
“Becausehe’llbeteachingyouallsortsofthings.SexualthingsI’massuming,butcorrectmeifI’mwrong.”
Hernostrilsflareandshesucksinafortifyingbreath.It’stoomuchfuntomesswithher.There’snowayAnnieisanykindofserious.She’sjusttryingtoignitesomesortofprotectiveinstinctinme,hopingthatI’llagreetobehercoach.
“Probably.Imean,yes.Definitelylotsandlotsof…”sheswallows,“sexytimesonthehorizon.”
“Wow,that’sgoingtobegreat.You’llhaveablast,”Isay,enjoyingthistauntingwaytoomuchbeforenoticingAnnie’seyesdroptomylips.Andjustlikethat,shestealstheentireshowagain.AllofmythunderisgoneandIcan’tthinkstraightwithhereyesfixedonmymouthlikethat.
ItrytoholdstillbecauseIknowshe’sthinkingaboutkissingmerightnow,andIcan’tlether.Iwantto—ohGod,Iwantto—butIcan’t.Everysingleoneofmyskincellsacheformetostepforwardandpressourbodiestogether.ButIcan’tdothatbecauseI’mscaredwhatwillbecomeofmeifIdo.
Butneitherofusstepsaway,andsomehowtheknucklesofmyfreehandbrushagainsthers.Herfingersrespondandlightlymoveagainstmine.Ourfingersneverintertwine;wejustletourskinbrushacontrolledfireagainsttheother.Howisthisthemosteroticthingthat’severhappenedtome?Andnow,tohellwithit,Ihavetokissher.No,Ihavetodomorethankissher—Ineedtopressheragainstthisdoorframeandfeelourbodiescollide.
SheliftsherfaceandIlowermyheadand—
Outsidetheshop,acardoorslamsandmakesbothofusjolt,headswhirlingguiltilytowardtheshopwindow.
“Oh,it’sJames,”shesaysbreathily.“He’scomingbyforthisbouquet.”Theoneshe’sclutchingtoherchestwiththehandthatwasn’tjusttorturingmine.“Hecalledandordereditthismorning.”
Inodabsently—mylazymovementmatchingherlazytonebecausewe’rebothstuckinasensuous,unrelievedhaze.MyarmisstillrestingbehindAnnieasIturnmyeyestowatchJamesroundthelargewhitetruckwiththelogoforHuxleyFarmontheside.FromeverythingAmeliahastoldme,heownsthefarmnowafteritbecametoomuchforhisparents.Apparently,he’sNoah’sbestfriendandhasprettymuchgrownupwiththeWalkersiblings.Iassumehe’slikeabrothertothem.
Ormaybeheisn’t…
“Ohwow,”Anniesays,alsowatchingJamesbutsoundinglesshazybythesecond.“He’swearingasuit!”
Yeah,heis.AndevenIcanadmitthemanlooksgood.It’sanicesuitthat’saccentuatinghisfarmer’sbody.He’stall,muscular,tan.Andevenmoreimportant,whenIlookdownatAnnie,she’slookingathimlikeshe’sneverseenhimbefore.Mypulsejumpsangrily.Possessively.
ShestepsawayfrommetogotothecounterasJamesopensthedoortotheshop.
“James,hi!”shesaysinacheerytone,whilesettingthebouquetonthecounterandpullingoutapieceofbrownpapertowraparoundit.Theweirdpartis,sheneverevenlooksatwhatherhandsaredoing.She’sstaringatJamestheentiretime.Notnecessarilylikeshewantshim—butlikeshe’scontemplatinghim.
Shit.I’mafraidIknowwhat’shappeningnow.
“Morning,Annie!Thanksforhavingthisreadyforme.”ThismanhasTownGoldenBoywrittenalloverhim.Thedazzlingsmile.Theopenface.Thetwinkleinhiseyeofapersonwho’sneverbeenjadedbytheworld.Irrationally,Ihatehim.
“Youlookamazing,”Anniesayswithwaytoomuchemphasis,ifyouaskme.“Whereareyougoing?”Herfingersworktodelicatelywraptwinearoundthebrownpaper—andallIcanthinkaboutishowthosefingersfeltmovingsoftlyagainstmine.Whatthey’dfeellikedancingacrossmychest.Clutchingatmyback.
“WithMomtoaweddingforoneofmycousins.”
“Yourdadokay?”sheasks,sweetnessandconcerncoatinghertone.
What’sitliketohavesomeonelikeAnnieworryaboutyou?IdoubtJamesevenappreciateswhathehas.
Hechuckleslightly.“Ifyoucountstubbornlyrefusingtogototheweddingbecauseithasablack-tiedresscodeandMomwon’tlethimwearhisJohnDeerehat,then,yes—he’sfine.I,however,amgoingtobemiserableallafternoonafterbeingguilt-trippedintogoing.”
“Andyetyou’restilltakingherabouquetofflowers.Whataguy,”shesayswithasoftchuckle.“Butyou’llhaveagreattime.I’veseenyouonthedancefloor,andIknowyou’llhavealltheladieslinedupbytheendofthenight.”
Jameslaughsagain,andtheircamaraderieismakingmefeelalittleill.
“We’llsee,”JamessaysbeforewinkingatAnnieinablatantlyMatthewMcConaugheykindofway.AndnowIwanttorunhimoverwithhisowntruck.
AmIjealous?No,I’mneverjealous.Youcan’thaveaseriesofno-strings-attachedhookupswithwomenforyourentireadultlifeandbethejealoustype.It’simpossible.Andyet,asIseeAnnieeyeingJamesinanassessingwayandcomingtosomesortofconclusion,IrealizeIamabsolutelyjealous.
“Hey,James?”shebeginsthoughtfully.“Ihavesortofarandomquestiontoaskyou.Andfeelfreetosayno,butwouldyou—”
“I’lldoit,”Isayquickly,cuttingAnnieoff.
Shewhipsherheadinmydirectionandstaresupatme.“Youwill?Butyoujustsaid—”
“Iknow.Ichangedmymind.Iwanttodoit.”Sheblinksandsmilesupatme,andmyheartfillswithsomethingthatfeelslikelava.“ButIhaveonecondition.”
“Nameit.”
Igrin.“Igettowalkoutofheretodaywithyourbook.”
“Mybook?”sheasks,hopingsheheardmewrong.
“Thebook.”IsmileasIwatchtwopinksplotcheshittheapplesofhercheeks.
Forabeat,there’snothingbutsilence.Painful,thicksilence.AndthenslowlyAnnie’ssweetsmiletiltseversoslightlyintoadeviousgrin,andIrealizeIjustgotepicallyplayed.“You’vegotadeal,bodyguard.”
“Executiveprotectionagent.”
Jamesclearshisthroat.“WhydoIfeellikeIjustmissedoutonanimportantopportunity?”
Becauseyoudid.Now,getlost,she’smine.CHAPTERNINEAnnie
IdramaticallythrowopenthedoortoAmelia’sstudioandthenlungetocatchthehandlebeforeitslamsagainstthewall.Thepointwastomakeashockingentrance—notaholeinthewall.
Ameliawhirlsaroundonthepianobench,wide-eyed.
Iholduptheletter.“Thiswasunacceptable,youlittle…”SheleansclosertoseeifthiswillactuallybethemomentIsaysomethingcutting.“Meddler!Beautifulmeddleractually,becauseyou’rehonestlyglowingtoday—butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatI’mmadatyou!”
Ameliasmiles.“Youarelookingbeautifultodaytoo.”
“Don’ttrytobuttermeup.You’reintrouble.YouFunny-Facedme!”
“Yeah,Idid!”Hersmilegrows.“Whatwashisanswer?”
Imovetositonthelittlecouchagainstthewallandrunmyhandbackandforthoverthesoftgreenvelvetofthearmrest.“Youdon’tgettoknow.Meddlersdon’tgetrewards.”
“Youagreedlastnighttoletmecomeupwithaplan,remember?Yousaidyouwantedsomeonetoswoopinandteachyouhowtogetgoodatdating,likeFredtaughtAudreytobetheQualitywoman.SoIfoundyourFred.”
“Butyouweren’tsupposedtopresenttheplantomeinfrontofFred!”Ishakemyhead.“Imean,Will—wherehewouldbodilywrestlemeforthefriggin’thing.”
Ameliatakesinahappygulpofair.“Hesaidyes,didn’the?”
Ifoldmyarms,eyeingthespacearoundmeandchoosingtoletherdanglealittleinuncertainty.It’sthebestformoftortureIcanthinkofatthemoment.“Thestudioturnedoutnicely.Areyoulikingit?”
Herstudioreallyisadorable.It’soneroomwithanattachedbathroom.Ameliasaidshedidn’twantanythingtoofancy,justaquietspacewithnaturallighttoworkonhermusicwhenshe’shome.There’sapiano,afewguitars,andadeskwithequipmentforrecordinginthecorner.Butmyfavoritepartofthespaceisthislittlecozyloungingareacomposedofagreenvelvetcouchandafewfloorpoufsscatteredaroundforextraseating.Abovethecouchthere’sagiantposterofourqueen—AudreyHepburn—standinginacream-coloreddressinfrontofawallofpinkflowers
“Yeah,yeah,thestudioisgreat.TellmewhatWillsaid.”
Isquintatvariouspartsoftheroom.“Youneedmoreplantsinhere.Ithinkafiddle-leaffiginthecornerovertherewouldbenice.”
“Annie…”
“Andasucculentonyourpiano.”
Ameliastandsupfromthepianobenchandlaunchesherselfontothecouchwithme.Shetacklesmeinahug.“Don’tbemadatme,Annie!Ican’ttakeyourpolitechitchat.It’sworsethanacoldshoulder.”
Iresistherhug,tuckingmyarmstightlyagainstmysides.Mustresisttheaffection.Shehugsevenharder.Squeezingthedaylightsoutofme.WhenIcan’tstanditanylonger,Iblurt,“Fine!Igive.Willsaidyes,”andthenIreturnherhug,becausenotmanypeopleunderstandthisaboutme,butIloveaffection.
Ameliasqueaks,squeezesonemoretime,andthenjumpsuptodoaquickhappydance—ormaybevictorydance?—andthenshootsfingergunsatme.“Iknewit!Iknewhewould.”
“Whoa!Careful,there.”Ireachforwardandpretendtocarefullyremoveherfingerguns,turningonthesafetyandthenputtingthemawayunderthecouch.“You’redangerouswhenyou’regloating.”
Laughingandslightlyoutofbreath,shesitsbackdownbesideme.“Sowhendoyouguysstart?”
Ishrug.“Notsureyet.Hesaidhe’dbeintouch.”
“WhataDickAvery.”
Isputteralaughatherplayonwords.“Okay,butforreal,WillGriffinisnotDickAvery.”
“Whynot?Williskind.He’soutgoing.He’sanexpertinhisfield—allattributesthatourtap-dancingpalMr.Averyshared.”
Ichuckle.“Youmeanhe’sanexpertatplayingthefield.Thereisadifference.”
ThemerethoughtofWillGriffinandFredAstaire(akaDickAvery)linedupincomparisonishilarioustome.Willonlyhastowalkintoaroomandmakedirecteyecontactwithawomanforherpantiestogoupinflames.FredAstairelookedasifhewouldreallyenjoyanicecupofherbalteabeforeturningintobedearly.Tobehonest,I’mmoresuitedforsomeonelikeFredAstaire.
Willfeels…dangerous.
Ameliashrugs.“You’renottryingtomarryWill,sotheplaying-the-fieldbitisirrelevantinanyotheraspectthanthatitservesyourpurpose—whichistogetcomfortableatdating.He’sperfectforthisjob.”WhenIdon’tanswerimmediately,shenudgesmyleglightly.“Heisperfectforthisjob,Annie.”
“Uh-huh.Youkeepsayingthat—andIwasinclinedtoagree—butthemoretimeIhavetothinkaboutit,I’mnotsosure.”
Ameliapullsherfeetuponthecushions.“Okay,welllet’stalkitout.Tellmeyourworries.”
EventhoughAmeliahasonlybeeninmylifeforalittleoverayearnow,IsomehowfeelclosertoherthanIdomysisters.IadoreEmilyandMadison,andhavethatspecialsisterconnectionwiththem,butwithAmelia,it’snotjustasisterlyconnectionbutthatofaclosefriendtoo.Sheviewsmedifferentlythanmysistersdo.ShevaluesmyopinionandseemstounderstandmeinawaythatEmilyandMadisonneverhave.Withthem,everythingalwaysgetsboileddowntooneclear-cutoutlook:Annieisoursweetbabysister,alittleplainandunexciting.Itdoesn’tmatterthatI’llbethirtyinafewyears;theytreatmelikeI’mtenyearsold.WhichiswhyIkeepalotaboutmylifetomyself.SometimesIdon’twanttohearthelet’s-poke-fun-at-sweet-AnniebantertheyalwaysreplywithwhenItellthemthetruth.
Ameliadoesn’tdothattome.
However,inthissituation,Istilldon’twanttotellherthetruth.Becausethetruthis,todaywhenWill’shandtouchedmine,myentirebodyfeltelectrified.Whenhehadhisarmsaroundme,Ibreatheddeeply.Ibreatheddeeply,people!Andhonestly,havinghimplay-fightwithmeovertheletterwasthemostfunI’vehadwithapersonin…maybemywholelife.WhichisnotgoodbecauseWillisabsolutelynotthemanforme,andI’mnotsureIcantrustmyselfnottogrowfeelingsforhimoverthenextcoupleofweekswhenI’malreadysoclearlyattractedtohim.
Ican’ttellAmeliaanyofthatbecausethenshe’dbeoveronthesidelineswatchingmealittletooclosely.Evenworse,shemighttellWill,andthenhe’dpatmeontheheadlikeeveryoneelsedoesandtellmemyattractiontohimiscute.No,thissecretisbetterkepttomyself,whereIcanworkaloneonsquashinganydesiretowardhim.
“I’mworriedit’sgoingtobeweird,”Isay,keepingmychinniceandlevelasIdeliverthatliebecauseIknowforafactit’snotgoingtobeweird.NopartoftalkingtoWilloverthelasttwodayshasfeltweird.Infact,it’sfeltgood.
“Weirdhow?”
Isigh.“Weirdlike…embarrassing.AmanwhoissupergoodatdatingisgoingtoseehowterribleIamatitandinternallylaughatme.Possiblyexternallylaughtoo.Theremightbepointingandchortling.”
Ameliashakesherhead.“You’relookingatitallwrong.Amanwhoissupergoodatdatingisofferingtosystematicallywalkyouthroughthestepssoyoucangooffanddatesomeoneelsenonawkwardlyandfalldeeplyinlovesoyouneverhavetodateagain.Andreally,youhavenothingtolose.You’renottryingtodateWill,andhe’snotevenintorelationships,sotherearezeroprospectsorexpectationsonthetable.It’sano-pressure,stringlesswaytolearnhowtodate.”
Itakeinadeepbreath.“You’reright.”
“IknowIam,”shesayswithasassysmile.“Butnowthequestionis,areyougoingtotellyoursiblings?”
“No.”TheanswercomesoutquicklyeventhoughIhaven’tpreviouslygivenitanythought.It’saknee-jerkreactionbutfeelsliketherightdecisionwhenIsayitoutloud.Iwanttodothisprivately.
Iadoremysisters,butinadditiontothewaytheyoftentreatmelikeachild,theytendtobeoverlyopinionatedwhenitcomestomylife—andthisisonesituationI’dliketonavigateonmyownwithouttheirinput,suggestions,orteasing.Icanseeitnow:Emilywouldcreatealonglistofallthereasonsthisplanisn’tgoingtowork,andMaddiewouldmakecrudejokesabouttheBadBoytutoringtheGoodGirl,andIjust…ugh.I’mtiredofit.I’msotiredofthatnarrativeloopingaroundmedayinanddayout.I’mtiredofeveryonesoneatlyplacingmeinaboxandtyingasilkribbonarounditandthentellingmetositandstay.
IfIwanttospendmydayslearningtodatewiththedangerouslysexybodyguard,Iwill.
Sono,I’mnotgoingtotellthem.I’mnotgoingtotellanyonebecausethisisn’topenfordiscussion.CHAPTERTENWill
“What’ssobadaboutthetown?”asksLivNolsen,myboss,fromtheotherendofthephoneline.SheistryingtopersuademetoextendmystayinRome,Kentucky,asoneofAmelia’spermanentagentsratherthantransferringtoWashington,D.C.,andguardingahigh-profilepoliticianafterthemonthisout,asI’mrequesting.I’vebeenhereoneweekend,andI’malreadyboredtodeath.
UsuallyI’mplacedwithothercelebritieswhenI’mnotworkingforAmelia—partlybecausetheyrequestmeafterhavingseenmeoneitherBuzzFeedandsocialmedia,ormetmewhileIworkedforoneoftheirfamousfriends.Ameliaistheonlycelebritywhohasn’tmademewanttoripmyhairout,though.
Andtruthfully,myfavoriteassignmentshavebeenprovidingsecurityforpoliticians.Why?Becauseshitgetsrealforthem.It’srarelydullguardingsomeonewhomhalfthecountryhates.AndwhenI’mbusy,Idon’thavetimetostopandthinkaboutanythingelse.Idon’thavetimetoworrywhetherI’mlonelyorwhetherImadetherightcareerchoice.Ijustworkandstayonthemove,andmymindremainsblissfullyclear.
SoabouttenminutesagowhenmybosssaidshewascontemplatingkeepingmeinRomeattherequestofAmelia’steam,Ifeltsick.NotbecauseofAmelia—I’llgladlyprovidesecurityforheroneachandeveryoneofhertours.Butinthissleepytownlong-term:no.
“Uh—letmeputitthisway,I’mtalkingtoyoufromalandlineinthecoffeeshopbecausethecellserviceissospotty.AndtheroomI’mstayinginisfilledwithfrillyembroideredphrasesonthewallsandaChickenSoupfortheSoulbookbesidethebed.”
Thereiswifi,butyouhavetohavethedamnpasswordforit.Andnooneinanyoftheseestablishmentswillletmehaveit.Apparently,youhavetobeoneofthemtogainaccess,andtheydon’ttrustmeeversinceIjoggedwithmyshirtoff.
“Damn.IloveMayberrytowns,”saysLiv.Shemaybeastoicagent,butshe’salsoaromantic.Shealwaysclaimsshe’sgoingtomeettheperfectwomanonamissionsomedayandfallinloveJamesBondstyle.I’vepointedoutthatJamesBondneverhasthesameloverinthenextmovie,butshealwaysjustwavesmeoff.
“Thenwhydon’tyoucomeandtakeoverifyoulovesmalltownssomuch?”
“BecauseMs.Rosespecificallyaskedforyouwhenhermanagersaidshewantedanagenttostayonforawhileevenaftertheweddingbecausetheywillbeannouncingtheupcomingalbum.Andbecauseshehappenstobeourhighest-payingclient,Iwillliterallydoanythingtokeepherhappy,includingsellingmykidneyorforcingmybestagenttoliveinhertownforawhile.RaeRosewantssomeoneshecantrusttokeephersafeandbediscreetwithherpersonallife,andthankstoyouryearstogether,youachievethatforher,sosuckitup,Griffin.”
Great.Thisiswhatbeingreliableandhardworkinghasgottenme.It’shighschoolalloveragain,whereIpracticallykilledmyselftogetthehighest,mostimpressivegradesintheclassjustsomyparentswouldnotice.Whetheritwasoutofaneedtomakethemproud,makethemseeme,ormakethemstopfightingsodamnmuchandgetalongforfiveseconds,Istilldon’tknow.Probablyaheavycombinationofthethree.Eitherway,itdidn’thelp.Itworkedagainstme.Myparentsdidn’tnoticemygoodgrades,theynoticedtherandomlowonesinsteadandwouldchewmeoutrelentlesslyforslackingoffeventhoughtheyknewIwasn’t.
Irunmyhanddownthebackofmyhair,rubbingatthetensionbuildinginmyneck.“DoesthismeanIhavenochoice?You’rereallynotgoingtoletmetransfertoD.C.evenafterthewedding?”Ifthathappens,Idon’tknowwhatI’lldo.Quitmostlikely.I’dsoonerchangeagenciesthanbeforcedtokickmyfeetinarockingchairfortherestofmydamncareer.
Shebreathesoutalongbreath.“I’llthinkaboutit.Fornow,makethebestofitandpickupahobbyinyourdowntime.It’llbegoodforyou.You’vebeenworkinglikeadogfor,well,sinceyoujoinedtheagencytenyearsago.”
“Idon’twantahobby.”
Shescoffs.“Getagirlfriendthen.”
“That’sdefinitelynotgoingtohap—”Asifoncue,IlookoutthefrontcaféwindowsandspotAnnieacrossthestreet.She’swalkingupthesidewalkfromthecommunalparkinglot,andI’mabletoseeherperfectlythroughthesegiantpicturewindows.Todayshe’swearingjeanshortsandapinktanktop—longblondehairdownandstraight.
ShesmilesandgreetseveryoneshepassesbeforepausingoutsideofthehardwarestoretotalkwithPhilforaminute.Hetellshersomethingthatmakeshertiltherheadbackasshelaughs.Thatacheinmychestcinchestight.Shelookshappyandwarmand…sodamnsweet.It’sexactlythedistractionIneedfrommyboredom.ImightnotbeabletohaveAnnieinthewaymybodywants,butIcanatleasthavefunwithherinthewaysherequested.
AtsomepointIrealizeI’vecompletelytunedLivout.“Griffin.Hello?Areyouthere?”
Iclearmythroat.“Sorry.I…lostserviceforasecond.”
“Ithoughtyouwereonalandline?”
“Right.Actually,Iwasdistractedbysomesuspiciousactivity.”
Sheshufflespapers.“You’rethesuspiciousactivity.”
“Liv—sorry,Ineedtorun.”
“Checkyouremail.I’msendingoversomenewinfoonstalkersandfanstowatch.”
“Willdo,”Isay,puttingthephoneonthereceiverjustasthebaristacallsoutmyorderandsetsAmelia’sicedlatteonthecounter.ThisiswhatI’vebeenreducedto:anerrandboy.Andno,Ameliadidn’tmakemecomeintotownjustforhercoffee—Ibeggedherforsomethingtodowhileshe’sworkinginthestudiotoday.SohereIam.
“Wouldyoumindputtingitinthefridgeforaminute?”Iaskthebarista.“I’llberightback.”CHAPTERELEVENAnnie
IpullaboxofFruitCrunchofftheshelfandjumpoutofmyskinwhenIhearamalevoicebehindme.“Hello.”
Isquealinappropriateinside-voiceterroruntilabutterfliedhandextendsovermyshoulderandgrabsaboxofshreddedwheat.MyeyestracktheboxallthewayintotheemptyshoppingbaskethangingbesideWill’sleg.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IsoundaccusatoryonlybecauseIwasn’texpectinghim,andIneedafullfiveminutestoprepareforhiscompanybeforeIseehim.Youknow,mentallygirdmyloinsandallthat.
Hecockshishead.“Well,thisactivityismostwidelyunderstoodasgroceryshopping,”hesays,liftingthebasketasevidence.
Ifrowndownintohisbasketinsteadofacknowledginghissarcasticremarkbecausehehasselectedthesingleworsttypeofcereal,andIcan’tallowhimtocontinuelivinghislifeinsuchadepressingway.Iremovehischoice,putitbackontheshelf,andplaceaboxofFruitCrunchinhisbasket.
“WhatImean,Wilbur,iswhatareyoudoinghereshoppinginthemiddleoftheday?”
Hepullstheshreddedwheatfromtheshelfagainandputsitinmybasketthistime,lookingdownatmewithplayfulindulgence.“Youneedfiber,AnnieWalker.”
“Youcameallthewaytotowntodaybecauseyouhadastrongsuspicionmyfiberintakewaslow?”
“Allthewaytotown,yes.”HegrinslazilyandIrealizethere’snothingquitelikethesoundofthisman’svoicewhenhe’steasing.
Andmotherofpearl,helooksgreattoday.HisdeepgreenT-shirtstretchesacrosshisshouldersinawaythatgivesmetheurgetolightlysinkmyteethrightthereontheroundedcurveofhismuscle.Whatkindofunhingedthoughtisthat?AnotherreasontoplaceWillinthenot-for-mecategory.Hedisturbsthestatusquoofmysanity.
Andalthoughtheblackcargojoggershe’swearingdohimallkindsoffavors,it’sthosetattoosthataresteeringmedownthepathofnoreturn.Itracethelinesoftheflowersandvinesuntiltheydisappearunderthesleeveofhisshirt,andthat’swhenIfeelirrationallyangrybecauseIhavenoideawheretheyend.Dotheyextendoverhisshoulder?Downhisback?Overhischest?
I’llneverknow,andit’sthatthoughtthathasmeturningawayfromhimfeelingfrustrated.
Hecatchesuptomequickly.“Areyouonyourlunchbreak?”
“Yep.Mondaysaremydaytovisitmygrandma,soJeanineworkstheshopformeforthesecondhalfofthedaywhileIcutoutalittleearlytodomygroceryshopping,grabmygrandmaaboxofherfavoritevanillawafers,andthenheadovertotheassisted-livingcentertocheckonher.”
WhydidItellhimallofthat?HeonlyaskedifIwasonmylunchbreak,andhereIgosharingmyentireschedule.ClearlymysocialskillsareworsethanIthought.Anysecondnowhe’llsmilepleasantlyandthenturnaway.He’llputastickynoteonmyfrontdoorsaying:Can’thelpwithlessonsanymore.Youboreme.
Willwalksbesideme.“How’sshedoing?”
“Um—okay.ShehasAlzheimer’s,youknow?Soshehasgooddaysandbad.Butoverallshe’salwaysdeclining.It’llbelikethatfromnowon.”Istopinfrontoftheoralhygienesectionandstareblanklyattheboxesasanunexpectedwaveofgriefenvelopsme.Idon’toftenletmyselfthinkaboutthetruestateofherhealth—thatonedaythewomanwhoraisedmewillbegone.It’sgut-wrenching.
“Thatsoundsreallytough,”hesaysgently,hisbodynearertominethanamomentago,likehewantstocomfortmebutdoesn’tknowhow.Ilookupathim,andhiswarmgazedoesnothingtohelpthesuddenbuildingemotionbehindmyeyes.
Iblinkandreachforaboxoftoothpasteanddumpitintomybasket.“It’sallright.IjustenjoythemomentsIhavewithhernow,”Isay,strong-armingthosebadfeelingsoutoftheway.Feelingthemdoesn’thelpanything.Itdoesn’tmakeherdiseasegoaway.Itdoesn’tbringbackmyparents.It’seasiesttonotpayattentiontothem.
WillseemstowanttosaymorebutgrabsthesamebrandoftoothpasteasIdidandputsitintohisbasketinstead.Hethenselectsaboxofdenturecleaneranddropsitintominebeforewalkingaway.
Iquicklyreplaceitontheshelfandcatchuptohim.“Yourturn.Whyareyoushoppinginthemiddleoftheday?”
HecutsaquickglanceatmeoverhisshoulderandslowshispacesoIcancatchup.“Ameliaisinthestudio,soIhadsomefreetime.ThoughtitwouldbetheperfectmomenttoblessHarrietwithmypresence.”
Webothroundtheaisle,andatthatverymomentweinterceptHarriet’scoldglareaimedatWill.Hesmilesather.“Lookingbeautifultoday,Harriet!”hesays,makingherscowlharden.
“See.Shelovesme,”hesaysthroughhispearlywhiteteeth.
Ilaughandsteerusdownthenextaisle,knowingthatHarrietnotonlydoesn’tloveWillbutopenlydislikeshim.Couldthatbepartofmydrawtohim?I’veseenthemovies.Goodgirlgravitatestowardbadboybecauseshecan’tbebadherself?
That’stheeasiestexplanation,soI’llgowithitandignorethequietervoiceinmyheadthatsaysIfeelaconnectiontoWill.
Wepassafemininehygienesection,andIgrabapackofovernightpads,bank-shottingthemintohisbasketbeforewalkingtheotherwayandtryingnottolaughattheflatlookonhisface.Withadevioussmile,Iroundthecorner,andwhenWillmeetsmehalfwaydownthenextaisle,thepadsarenowhereinsight.
Ifacethesnacksectionandtrytodecidebetweenspicyorcheesychips.
Hestandsshouldertoshoulderwithme,andwelooklikewe’relinedupforageneral’sinspection.IcutmyeyestohimandtrynottogrinwhenIseehe’sdoingthesame.Andthenhetiltstowardme.“Bytheway,Ifinishedthebook.”
Shockwhipsthroughme,andIdropthebagofLay’sIwasholding.
WillcasuallyandsoftlysetsaboxofImodiuminmybasketandstrollsaway.
Embarrassment,horror,andcuriosityallwarinsideme.EversinceIhandedthebookovertohimintheflowershopandwatchedhiseyebrowsshootupatthesightofascantilycladwomandrapedoverawell-muscledhalf-nakedman,I’vebeendyingaslowdeathofdread.AndnowIknow—WillGriffinreadmysteamyromancenovel.SuddenlyanimageofWilllyingshirtlessinbedreadingsomeofthoseincrediblysexysceneshasmyskinboiling.Idon’tthinkIwanttoknowwhetherhelikeditornot.
Wait,yesIdo.
No,Iabsolutelydon’t.
IcatchWillonthenextaisle.“Whatdidyouthinkofit?”
Okay,apparentlyIdo.
MyheartracesasIwaittohearhisanswer.ItrynottogetmyhopesupbecauseIknowthatmostlikelyhehatedit.Infact,I’mpreparedforridiculeandteasingfortherestofhistimeinRome.
I’mnotpreparedforhisslowmeltingsmile.Likehe’sreenactingformethelookhehadonhisfacewhileheread.“Honestly,Icouldn’tputitdown.Istayedinalldayyesterdayjustreading.”
Ipullinadeephappybreaththroughmynose.IwouldbounceontheballsofmyfeetifIdidn’tthinkitwouldmakemelookchildish.“Areyouserious?”
We’renottheonlyshoppersinheretoday,andawomanI’vedefinitelyseenbeforewhosenameIcan’trememberstartsdownouraisle.Willstepsclosertometoavoidher,andhischestpressesagainstthesideofmybody.Firesweepsme.IcanbarelythinkstraightwhenIfeelhisbreathagainstmytemple.“Itwassexyashell.”
IkeepmyeyesfixedstraightaheadontheloavesofhoneywheatbreadbecauseifIlookatWillrightnow,myskinwillmeltcleanoffmybody.Howdarehetalktomelikethat!Like…likeI’vealwayssecretlydreamedofsomeonetalkingtome.
ThewomanpassesandWillstepsbackagain,takingaloafofbreadwithhim.“Butitwasalsoalotoffun.TherewasmoreadventurethanIexpected.Andtherewerealotofprofoundmomentstoo.Feltlikefreetherapy.”
“Right?!”Isay,turningtolookathimandfeelingabsurdlypleasedthathereadthebookandnotonlylikeditbutconnectedtoit.“Whatwasyourfavoritescene?”Ireachintomybasketandmovethediarrheamedicationtohisinstead.
“Thefightsequenceontheboatwasprettyawesome.”
Igrinandnarrowmyeyes.“Whatwasyourfavoritescene,Will?”
Hestepsalittlecloser,atauntinglookinhiseyes.“Thesceneinthepub?”
“William,”Ichidegently,knowingfullwellhisfavoritescenewastheonewiththeladder.Iabsolutelyshouldnotbetryingtogethimtomentionit—butIcan’thelpit.SomethingaboutWillbringsoutadifferentsideofme.
Theairbetweenusgrowsarms,reachingouttograbthefrontsofourshirtsandtuguscloseruntilwe’resoclosethatourbasketsfittogethersidebyside.GrocerybasketTetris.IcatchaglimmerinWill’seyesandthecornerofhismouthtugs.
“Youwouldn’tbetryingtoluremeintoinappropriateconversation,wouldyou,AngelAnnie?”
Inaninstant,anyplayfulnessIfeeldiesawaywiththatawfulnickname.It’sonethingwheneveryoneelsecallsmethatortauntsmewithit—butfromWillIcan’tstandit.
“Don’tcallmethat,please,”Isay,allowingmyselfararemomentofhonesty.“Idon’tlikeit.”
I’mnotlookingatWill,butIcanstillfeelhisgaze.AndthenIcanfeelhisfingerslightlyclaspmyelbowasifhewereafraidIwasabouttodriftoff,andheneededtokeepmetherebesidehim.“Annie.I’msorry.”Hisvoiceislowandgenuine.“Ididn’tmeanitinanegativeway.”
Iforceasmileandlookupathim.“Iknow.Nooneeverdoeswhentheycallmebythosenames.AndI’veheardthemall:SaintAnnie,AngelAnnie,Goody-goodyAnnie.It’snevermeantinabadway,butthatdoesn’tmeanIdon’tfeelanegativeconnotationwhentheysayit.”Ishrugslightlylikeit’snobigdeal,eventhough…Iguessitiskindofabigdealtome.“Itfeelslikethey’resayingIdon’thaveasmuchsubstanceaseveryoneelse.ThatbecauseI’msweet,Idon’thaveasmuchtooffer.Iconstantlyfeelunderestimated,andI’msotiredofit.”
Will’sthumbglidestenderlyagainstmyskin.Hisvoicedropsuntilit’sintimatelyquiet.“Iwon’tdoitagain.”
Ibreatheout.Howwasthatsoeasy?I’vealwayshadtroubletellingpeoplethetruthofwhatI’mfeelingwhenIknowit’sgoingtobeuncomfortableforthemtohear—soIusuallyjustkeepitbottledup.ButIwantWilltoknowwhat’sactuallyhappeningbeneaththesurface.Maybeit’sjustbecauseIknowthere’snorealthreattoarelationshipthatdoesn’texistinanypermanentwaywithhim?
“Thankyou.”MyeyesshifttoWill’smouth,andthat’swhenIrealizewe’restandinginappropriatelyclosefortwofriendsinagrocerystore.Ismileandpullawaytocontinuemyshopping.
Willtrailsbehindme.“Icanrelate,though.”
Thismakesmelaugh.“Youcanrelatetobeingseenastoosweet?”
“Well,no.Buttobeingunderestimated.”
“Howso?”Isay,lookingbackathimandenjoyingourjointshoppingexcursionwaytoomuch.
Willshrugs.“Usuallypeopleseethetattoosandthevideosofmeforcefullyremovinganaggressivefanfromasituation,orthatdamnBuzzFeedarticle,andtheythinktheyknowme.TheyassumeI’mnothingbutafu—”hecatcheshimselfandgrinsbeforeamending,“aplayerwhoprobablydidn’tfinishhighschool.”
Icanseethat—notthatI’veeverthoughtthatabouthim,butotherpeoplemight.It’sevidentbythewayHarrietisnowlurkingaroundthestoreandpoppinghersuspiciouseyesthrougheverypeepholelikesheexpectstofindWillslippingmerchandiseintohispocketatanysecond.Orbetteryet,likehe’sgoingtothrowmeoverhisshoulderandstealme—thesweettowngoldengirl—awayintothenightwherehe’dlaymedowninabedofwildflowersandmakelovetomeuntil—
Ohwait,huh?That’snotwhatweweretalkingabout.
Iadjustmyshoppingbasketontomyforearmandshiftaboxofcrackersontheshelf,closingoffHarriet’sview.“SowhatisthetruthabouttheillusiveWillGriffinthen?”
“Reallynothingspecial.”HewalkstoanewcornerofthestoreandthistimeItrailbehindhim.“GrewupinacaveinAlaska.Wasraisedbyapackofwolves.Youknow?Thestandard.”
Igroan.“Ohcomeon.”
Hespinsaroundattheendoftheaislewithasmolderinggrin.“Winterswerecold,butIlearnedtogetbyafterkillingbearswithmyteethandwearingtheirfuronmyback.”
Ishovehimwhilelaughing.“Terrible.DoesPETAknowaboutyou?”
Hisfacegrowstooserioustobegenuine.“It’sreallyrudetolaughatsomeone’schildhood,Annie.Havealittlecompassion.”
Myfacehurtsfromsmilingsomuch.“Allright,WolfBoy.Ifyou’renotgoingtotellmethetruth,Ihavetocheckoutnow.”ButasIpassbyWill,hishandshootsoutandlightlycatchesmine.Ahotzingshootsthroughmyfingersallthewaytothepitofmystomach.WhenIlookathim,I’mafraidhecanseeinmyeyesjusthowaffectedIambyhistouch.
“Ididfinishhighschool,fortherecord.Witha4.0GPA,andthenIjoinedtheAirForceafterwardandservedasaSecurityForcesspecialistbecauseIcouldn’tstandthethoughtofgoingtocollegeandcontinuingonwithmymiserableexistenceasanachievement-seekingperfectionist.”
“Isee,”Iwhisper,tryingtoabsorballofthatrapid-fireinformationcomingatme.Butmykneeskeepnearlybucklingatthementalimageofthismaninuniform.Howcommandinghemusthavelooked.How…ismouthwateringlydeliciousfairtosay?
WillcontinuesbeforeIcansayanythingI’llregret.
“Andmyfavoritemomentinthebookwasabsolutelytheladderscene.”Hepausesbriefly.“I’mwillingtobetallofmymoneyitwasyourstoo.”Myheartthumpspainfullyatthenearlywickedlookinhiseyesasheaccuratelyreadsmythoughts.
“Howwouldyouknowthat?”Nooneelseintheworldwouldeversuspectmyfavoritescenewasthesteamiestoneinthebook,butWilldoesbecauseforsomereason,hedoesn’tseemequitelikeeveryoneelsedoes.Infact,nooneelsewouldevenguessIlikethesekindsofbooks.It’sasecretnotevenmysistersknowbecauseI’vekeptmyboxofromancenovelsneatlytuckedundermybed,outofsightforyears.
Andyes,IrealizethatI’msupposedtobeloudandproudaboutmyromance-readingways,butwhenyou’vegrownupwithsiblingslikemineandthosesiblingshavegivenyouthenicknameofAngelAnnieandwouldabsolutelyroastyoueverysingledayfortherestofyourlifeiftheyknewyoulovedsteamybookswithBigDukeEnergy,you’dhidethebookunderyourpillowtoo.Thisisasecret(alongwiththeboxofromancebooksundermybed)Iwilltaketomydeath.Ifanyoneeverrobsmygrave,they’llbeshockedtofindmeblanketedwithshirtlesspiratesfiercelyembracingaladyinagownthatisnotevenremotelyaccuratefortheeraofthebook.
ButnowWillknowsmydeepdarksecret.Mybodyheatsupatthethought.
Hiseyesholdmine.“Becausecontrarytowhateveryoneseemstosayaboutyou,Icanseeamischievoussparkbehindyoursoftblueeyes,AnnieWalker.”
Will’seyesdroptomylips,andI’mspeechlessforthreeheartbeats.Desirefillstheairlikesmoke—thickandheavy—makingitdifficulttobreathe.
“But…youwon’ttellanyone,right?”Iaskquietly,makingWill’sgazeriseuptomyeyesagain.“Notevenaboutourlessons?Idon’twantmysiblingstoknow.”
“Whycan’ttheyknow?”
Iglancedown.“They’ll…theyjustcan’t.”Ishakemyhead.“Iftheyfindout,they’llbefullofopinionsandsuggestionsthatIdon’tnecessarilywant.”IcanhearEmilynow—initiatingtwentyquestionsuntilsheknowseverydetailofwhatI’mplanningandsuggestingabetterwaytogoaboutituntilIendupcavinganddoingthingsherwaysothatIdon’thurtherfeelings.AndMaddiewilldemandtotakeoverasmytutor,andsomehowI’llfallrightintotheshadowsasIalwaysdowhenmysiblingsarearound.
IlookupintoWill’seyesandnearlyflinchathowunwaveringhisgazeis.He’swaitingformetosaymore.“Ijustwanttodosomethingformyselfforawhile—isthatbad?Itfeelswrong.”
“Idon’tthinkit’swrong,butthenI’maninnatelyselfishperson,somaybeI’mnotthebestpersontobeasking.”
“Youdon’tseemselfishtome.”
Hisfingerstighteneversoslightlyaroundmineandhisexpressionlooksalmostdesperate.“Annie,IneedyoutoknowthatIdon’tdorelationships.Ever.AndIneverwill.Ifwedotheselessonsyouwant,theywillbeasfriendsandnothingelse.”
Hiswordsshouldn’tsting.Ialreadyknowthisabouthim,andIalsoknowthatI’mlookingforamancompletelyoppositefromhim.AndyetIfeelthemlikeshardsofglass.Hecan’tknowthat,though.
Ileaninevencloser.“AndIonlydorelationships.Sowe’reinperfectagreement.”
Hiseyessearchmine.“So…friendsonly?”
“Friendsonly.”
“Great.Thenwecanstartlessonstonightifyou’reavailable.”
Ittakesallmyself-controltonotaudiblygulp.AndbecauseIdon’ttrustmyvoice,Isimplynod.
Idon’tmissthemomenthisthumbglidesovertheskinofmyhandbeforehereleasesit.“I’llsneakyouintomyroom.Aroundsixthirty?”IbarelyregisterthathetossesalittleboxintomybasketbecauseI’mtoobusyinternallypanickingoverhislaststatement.
“Buthow?”Iaskwhilefast-walkingdowntheaisletocatchuptohim.“Howwillyousneakmein?Thistownhaseyeseverywhere.”
“Justwaitoutsidetheinnformycue.”Willdoesn’tglancebackatme.Hesetshisbasketdownandleavesthemarket.
Ilookdownandrealizehisbasketisnowempty.
Didheonlycomeinheretotalktome?
Atthecheckoutcounter,IsetmybasketdownandbeginpullingoutitemsforHarriettoscan.AndtoolateIrealizeI’mholding,courtesyofWillGriffin,aboxofcondoms—ribbedforherpleasure.
Withburningcheeks,IlookupdirectlyintothescowlingfaceofHarriet.ThisiswhymysistersbuyalloftheirintimateitemsonAmazon.
“Youwatchyourselfwiththatboy,Annie.He’snogoodforyouanddefinitelynotthekindofmanyouneedinyourlife.”
IturntothewindowjustintimetoseeWilllaughingandwalkingawayfromthemarket—soproudofhimselfandhisprank.
IthinkHarriet’sright.WillGriffinisabsolutelynotthekindofmanIneed.
Toobadhe’sveryquicklybecomingthemanIwant.CHAPTERTWELVEAnnie
It’sgotime.
Lookingfrommylefttomyright,Iexitthealleythatrunsbehindmyflowershopandintotheparkinglot.ImmediatelyIseePhilandTodd—themouthsoftheSouth—soIduckbehindmytrucktoavoidthem.It’shotasblazestoday,thickhumidheatrisingupfromthepavementandboilingeverythingexposed.WhenIleanagainstmytruck’sbumper,itsingesthebackofmyarmlikeahotiron.
WelcometotheSouth,friends,whereyougetthird-degreeburnsfromleaningagainstyourvehicle.Worthittoavoidbeingspotted,though.I’dforsurebethetalkofthetown.DidyouhearthatsweetiepieAnnieWalkerspenttheeveninginWillGriffin’sroomallalone?TheScandal!
ThethingthatbothersmeisthatifitwereEmilyorMadison,noonewouldthinktwice.Butbecauseit’sme,I’dhavefifteenvisitorsthenextdaywarningmetoguardmyheart.
PhilbickersatToddaboutsomething(it’salwayssomething),andIwaituntiltheyaresafelyintheirtruckanddrivingawaytosurfacefrommyhidingspot.They’rethelastshopownerstoleavefortheday,soIknowthecoastisclear.IwaitedtocomebackintotownuntilafterclosingtimesoIcouldgiveeveryoneachancetogetintotheirvehiclesandgohome.Because,nottobedramatic,buttonightisthenightwheneverythingchangesforme.Willisgoingtoteachmetobeamasterdater,andI’llsnagahusbandinnotime.
Willdroppedoffanoteatmydoorearlier(whichmademelaughconsideringIhaveacellphonehecouldhavetexted)thatsaidtonightwe’regoingtowriteoutaformalplanforthelessons.Thatgavemechillsbecausethere’snothingIlikemorethanagoodbulletpointlist.Theletteralsocamewithahand-drawnmapandtimestampsofwheneachpartofthemissionshouldbecompleted.Ihalfexpectedthenotetoself-destructafterIfinishedreadingit.
Onethingisforcertain,themanisthorough.Whichbegsanintriguingideaofwhatitwouldbeliketokisshimoreven…
Nooooope.Notgoingthere.
Backtotheplan.I’msupposedtobeoutsideofMabel’sInnat6:30p.m.,whenWillisgoingtodistracthersoIcangetinsidewithoutherseeingme.Apparently,he’llgivemeacueandI’llknowitwhenIhearit.
Listen,thisishigh-stakesstuff.EvenJasonBournewouldbesweatingifhewerefacedwiththepotentialofMabel’sdiscoveryofoneofhismissions.Ifshefindsout,ImightaswellgoliveonInstagramwithitbecauseeveryonefromheretotheedgeofKentuckywillknowaboutoursecretlessonsbeforemyfoothastimetocrosshisthreshold.
MywatchsaysIhavefourminutesuntilIneedtobeoutsidetheinn.Oncetheparkinglotisempty,Irushacrossthestreet.Ican’tdecideifIshouldwalknormallyorhurrywhilecrouching,andI’mafraidtheresultwilllooklikeAnnieisabouttopoopherpants.I’mreallyhopingWillisn’twatchingouthiswindowrightnow.
AfewmoreblocksandI’matmydestination:Mabel’sInn.
It’sagorgeousoldVictorianhousewithawhitepicketfencearoundthesmalllawn.Ithasthelookofahomethatwasbuiltbeforethetown,andhasbeenasecondhometomesincechildhood.EverySundayafterchurch,mygrandmaSilviewouldbringusalloverheretoMabel’sforlunch.Mabeldidn’tgotochurch,soshewasabletospendthewholemorningcookingupahugefeast—andIrememberthinkinghowincrediblyrebelliousshewas.Notgoingtochurch?!Gasp!Iaskedheraboutitonceandshejusttoldme,“IfIwantedtoseeabunchofpeoplewearingfancyclothesandactingfake,I’dgotoasteeplechase.”Thatwasthat,andIcalldibsonbeingMabelwhenIgrowup.
TheironyisthatwhileMabelwon’tsetfootinchurch,sheplayspokerwiththechurchladiesatHank’sBareveryMonday.Unfortunately,shewon’tleavehereforthateventuntileighto’clock,soIhavetosneakbyher.
Insteadoffollowingthesidewalk,IhopthesidepicketfenceandplastermybacktothesideofthehouselikeWillinstructed.NosoonerthanI’minplacedoesthefrontdooroftheinnopen.AndthenIhearWill’svoice.
“It’soverhere,Mabel!Followme,”hesaysloudly.
“Well,shit,son.Noneedtoyell.Myhearingaidsarealreadyturnedallthewayup,”saysMabelinherscratchysweetvoicethatalwaysmakesmesmile.
“Sorryaboutthat.”
“Apologyaccepted.Nowshowmethisworrisomepieceofsiding.”
“Yeah,it’sjustoverhere—”Will’svoicecutsoffasheroundsthesideofthehousewhereI’mstanding.
Inunrelatednews,I’mnotsogreatatreadingmaps.
OurgazesmeetandWill’seyesgowide.Ifranticallystartwavinghimaway,andhewhirlsonhisheelsjustbeforeMabelturnsthecorner.“Whoops!Wrongside.Totallyforgotit’s…ontheotherside.”Theirshadowsareprojectingontothegrass,andIseeWillplacehishandsonMabel’sshouldersandguidehertheoppositeway.
Shewhistleslightly.“Now,William.Atleasttakemetodinnerfirst.”
TheonlypersonintownwhoisabiggerflirtthanWillisMabel.
“Believeme,Mabel,ifIthoughtIhadachance…”Willsays,makingMabelchuckleandmerollmyeyes.Theirvoicesgrowmoredistant,andwhenIbelievethecoastisclear,Ipeekmyheadaroundthecorner.
Nope.
Notclear.
OfcourseNoahiswalkingupthefrontsidewalkoftheinn,holdingapiebox.“Mabel?Youhere?”hehollers.
“Yep!Righthere,”shesays,comingaroundtothefrontofthehouseandleavingWillontheside.
“Broughtyourpie.”
“Ohgood,justsetitontheporch,andcomelook.Williamwasshowingmeabadpieceofsidingonthehouse.”
“Really?Didn’tyoujusthavethesidingreplacedlastmonth?”
Mabellowershervoice.“Lord,yes.Butbetweenmeandyou,Ithinktheboyislonely.Inventingexcusestospendtimewithmeandallthat.Bettercomehumorhimwithme.”
“What’sgoingon?”AndthatwouldbethevoiceofEmilyasshewalksuptotheinn,comingtojointhecircus.WhattheFrankensteinaremysiblingsalldoingaroundtownthislate?Don’ttheyhavelives?!
“Willisshowingusabadpieceofsidingontheinn,”saysNoah.
Emilyscoffs.“Noway.IthoughtMabeljusthaditallreplacedlastmonth.AndDarellistheonewhodidit.Heneverdoesabadjob.”
LookslikeIshouldhavebroughtatent,atthisrate.Sweatisgatheringonmyneck.Myshortsarestickingtomylegs.JusthowIwantedtoshowupforthisnightwithWill—asswampwoman.
“MabelthinksWillisjustlonelyandistryingtogetattention.”
Emilylaughs.“Ihighlydoubtthat.FromwhatAmeliahassaid,hehaslotsoffemalecompanywheneverhewantsit.”
Herstatementmakesmyskinitchuncomfortably.
“What’sgoingonoverhere?”Ohgeez.DowereallyneedtothrowHarrietintothismix?“Isthisanotherimpromptutownmeetingwithoutme?”Shestillhasn’tforgivenMabelafterthelastone.
“Doesthislooklikeatownmeeting,Harriet?Doyoueveruseyourbrain?”asksMabelruthlessly.
“AtleastIhaveonetouse!Andifit’snotameeting—whyarey’allstandingaroundhere?”
“Williamisgoingtoshowmeapieceofbadsiding.”
“Didn’tyoujusthavethesidingreplacedlastmonth?”
“Yes,”everyonesaysinunison,includingmeundermybreath.
Finally,IhearWill’svoice.“Mabel,areyou—oh,people.Lookatthat.”Ismiletomyself,imaginingthelookofannoyanceonhisface.Iwouldbetmyentirelifesavingsthatherakeshisbutterflyhandthroughhishair.
“Yes,William,thegang’sallhere.Now,showusthisrottensiding.”
“Good.Right.Gladweallgettoseeit.”Hepausesandclearshisthroat.“Followme,everyone.”
Iwaitthreebreaths,peekaroundthecorneragain,andthenhightailituptoroomnumberfour.Will’sroom.CHAPTERTHIRTEENAnnie
ThemomentI’mfinallyinsideWill’sroom,panicsetsin.
DidIjustwillinglyentertheroomofthegreatseducer(whichnoonecallshimbutabsolutelyshould)WillGriffin?I’mnotpreparedenoughforthis.Whatifheproposeswetakeourlessonstothebed?Ohgosh—whatifhewasseriousaboutthosecondoms,andheintendsforustosleeptogether?!AmIgoingtobeabletoresistthetemptationofallthatisWill?DoIwanttoresist?IfIdidn’t,itwouldrequireadmittingI’mstillavirgin,andIthinkthat’ssomethingI’dratherheneverknow
ButthenIlookaroundathisroomandrelaxwithalittlelaugh.There’soneofMabel’sstandardquiltsonthebed(courtesyofGemma’squiltshop,ComfortQuilts),andthereareseveraldecorativetrinketsonthedresserandbedsidetables.Arandomowl.Anantiqueclock.ApillowembroideredwiththewordsPrettyasaPeachsittinginthemiddleoftheneatlymadebedwherethetopedgeofthesheetisfoldeddownprimly.TheonlyevidencethatWillstayshereisthecellphonechargerpluggedintothewallandthefoldedclothesonthedresser.Otherthanthose,nothingsuggestsamodern-dayversionofarakeisstayinghere.
Clearly,Ihavenothingtoworryabout.
ThedoorsuddenlyopensandWillrushesin,closingitbehindhim.
Heleansbackagainstitlikehejustoutranabear.Inhisbutterflyhandisapieceofwhitesiding.“Damn,Annie,whatareyouturningmeinto?I’mnowatanewlevelofawfulafterhavingtodeliberatelyripoffapieceofMabel’ssidingbeforetheyallcametolook!OfcourseItoldherI’dfixitforher—butIfeellikeI’mgoingtohavebaddreamsafterseeinghowproudshelookedatmeforofferingtofixitafterIwastheonewhorippeditoff.”He’sstillwearingthesameblackcargopantsandgreenteefromthismorning,butnowhehasaroguish,excitedsmileinplace.Itfadeswhenhetakesinmyexpression.“Whyareyousmilinglikethat?”
“Oh,it’snothing,”Isay,wavinghimoffandstillnotabletoholdbackmychuckles.
Hecockshisheadskepticallyandtossesthepieceofsidingontothebed.“Okay,it’sclearlynotnothing.What’swiththelaughter?”
Ishakemyheadandgiveintoit,laughinguntillittlemistdropletsforminmyeyes.“It’ssilly.ButIwasalittlenervoustohangoutwithyouinyourroomtonightbecauseofyourreputation.ButthenwhenIrealizedyou’relivinginoneoftheGoldenGirls’rooms,Ididn’tfeelsoworriedanymore.”
“Whoa,whoa,whoa,”hesays,lookinghighlyoffendednow.“Whydon’tyoufeelworriedanymore?”
“Because!”Isay,laughingagainasIthinkofWilltryingtoseducemeontopofthatblue-and-white-checkeredquilt.“Lookatthisroom!TheonlythingyoucouldholdinhereisaBiblestudy.”
“Psh,”hesayslookingawayandthenbackagainwithagrinI’vecometoknowasaprecursor.“Youthinkthisdecormattersonebit?IfIwantedtoseduceyou,thefrillsonapillowaren’tgoingtostopme.”
“Nope—sorry,Icallbullcrap,”Isay,sittingontheendoftheverywholesomeandunsexybed.“HereIwasthinkingthatWillGriffinwouldlivesomewherewithsatinsheetsandarecordplayerinthecornerwherehecouldoffertoshowmehisfavoriteslowjamsthatwouldsetthemood.Arealdenofiniquity—”
“Well,Idon’tlovethatname.”
“Butreally,it’sjustgettingmeinthemoodtogotothefarmersmarket!Doesthisthingeven…”Ibounceonthemattressafewtimes.“Ohmygosh!Itdoesn’tevensqueak,Will!Whatkindofaladies’manareyou?!”Iloseit,fallingbackonthemattresswithadevastatinglaugh.
Hewatchesmewithasmile.“Areyouenjoyingyourself?”
“Quite.Because,you,sir,areadisgracetobadboyseverywherebylivinginaroomlikethis!I’mtemptedtotakepicturesofyoustandingtherewiththeBlessThisMessembroiderybehindyouandthensellthemtoBuzzFeed.”
Willstepstowardmewithalazysmile.“Allright.Getyourassup.”
Ifeeldruggedandloose-limbedfromjoyasIsitupandtakehisoutstretchedhand.“Wherearewegoing?Tomakesomejaminthekitchen?”
ButthenmybreathcatchesinmylungswhenwegettothedoorandWillwhirlsmearoundsothatmybackisflatagainstit.“Becauseyou’veinsultedmyverycarefullypracticedreputation,yourlessonsstartnow.I’mgoingtodemonstrateafewthings—skippinglessonone,whichI’dplannedaslightfirstdateflirting—andwe’lljumpallthewaytolessonseven:postdateseductionforwhenyou’rereadytotakesomeonetobed.”
OhLordy.
“Butfirst,Ibelieveinabsoluteconsentatalltimes.SoIneedtoknowifit’sokayformetotouchyourhands—andonlyyourhands?”
Iswallowandnod,feelingmypulsethrobagainstmyneck.
“Words,Annie.Ineedtohearyousayyes.”
Iclearmythroat.“Yes.”
“Great.”Hestepscloser—soclosethathischestisalmostbrushingmine,andhisbluish-grayeyesaresearingthroughme.Thatsuddenlyfeelslikewaytoomuchdistance.Will’sgazeholdsmine—mesmerizingmeasheintertwinesourfingers.Slowly.Intentionally.Neverhasmyskinfeltsoalive.
Hishandsarebigandcallousedandwarm.Slowlyheraisesbothofmyhandsabovemyheadandpressesthembackagainstthedoor.Nottoohard,nottoosoft.Justtherightamountofpressure.Speakingofpressure,mybodyisnowdyingforhimtoclosethegapbetweenus.Topressmetohimand…Idon’tknow,justdosomething!
MylipspartandWill’seyeslower—watchingthemomentasithappens.Thesmallestofcurvestouchesthecornersofhismouthbeforehedropshislipstothesideofmyface.Hisbreathbrushesagainsttheshellofmyearandtickleseverynerveendinginmybody—fertilizingthemandsomehowgrowingmore.NewsensationsI’veneverknownsurfaceinthepitofmystomachand…lower.Hesmellssogood.Feelssogood.
“Firstthingsfirst…”Sweetmolasses,hisquiet,rumblybedroomvoiceishot.“It’sneverabouttheroom.Theroomdoesn’tplayapartinsex.”Hisvoiceisdeepandamusedandconfident.ThisisexactlyhowIimaginedhe’dbeinthissituation.No—better.
Aspromised,hetouchesnothingbutmyhands.Iamslowlyperishing.
Hecontinues—hisbreathhotandheavyagainstthesideofmyface.“Inabind,acloset,abathroom,evenacarwilldojustfine.”Hismouthlowersevenfarthertobreatheagainstmynecknow.Nevertouchingme,justbreathing.“Decordoesn’tmatter.”Hemovesupmythroatashespeaks,andontotheotherside.IanglemyheadlikeIwanttomakesurehereacheseveryspotandcrevice.“BecauseifI’veeffectivelycapturedherattentionthroughthedate,fromthemomentwe’realone,herpulsewillberacing,andhermindwillbeabsorbedwithtouchandbreathandsomuchdesirethatthecolorofmydamnbedspreadwon’tevencrosshermindonce.”
Hismouthisatmyearagain,andhishandscontinuetoholdminepinnedabovemyheadwithadeliciousgentlepressurethatmakesmesquirm.OneIdidn’tknowIliked.Didn’tknowIneeded.NowI’mafraidI’llfeeldeprivedofitfortherestofmylife.
Willmovesfrommyear,fanninghisbreathacrossmyjawtohoverjustinfrontofmylipsnow.“Annie,openyoureyesandlookatme,”hecommands,anduntilthatpoint,Ididn’tevenrealizemyeyeswereshut.
Whenmyeyelidsspringopen,Ifeeldrunk.Hisgraygazeisdarknowandheavyonmine.Ifeeldesperateforhimtotipforwardandkissme.Histhumbtracksbackandforthovertheinsideofmywrist.IbarelyrememberwhatIwasherefortodayorwhatmynameis,forthatmatter.AllIknowismypulseisdrummingloudlyinmyear,anditseemstobesayingthesamethingoverandoveragain.Kissme.Kissme.Kissme.
Withhismouthonlyacentimeterapartfrommine,hesmiles.“Believeme?”
Inodsilently.
“Great,”hewhispersandthenreleasesmyhands.MyarmsfalllimplyatmysidesbecauseIamasackofJell-Oatthispoint.Will,however,iscompletelyunaffectedandgoesbacktothecouch.“Comesitdownsowecantalkaboutthelessonplan.”
ForamomentIcan’tdoanythingbutstandhereandleanagainstthedoor.Myinsidesareblazing.Mystomachisalltwistedandbunched,andIfeelabsurdlyletdownthathe’soverthereandI’moverhere.
“H-howdidyoudothat?”Isay,finallyfindingmyvoiceasmyfeetcarrymeinadazebacktothecouch.Mybrainisn’tworkingrightyet,soinsteadofsitting,Istandherelikearobotwaitingforitsnextcommand.
Willgrinsandhooksafingerinthebaggybackpocketofmyshortsandtugsmedowntothecouch.Isit,wide-eyed.
“Confidence,”hesays,pickinguphislaptopandopeningit.
Ileanoverandshutitagain.
Hechuckles.
“Buthow?!Whatifyoudon’tfeelconfident?”I’mnotsureI’veeverfeltconfidentadayinmylife.
“Youfakeit,Annie.”
“Noway.”Ishakemyheadindisbelief.“Youdon’tfakethatkindofconfidence.Allofthat…”IcirclemyfingertowardthedoorwheretheghostofAnniewhohadneverbeenseductivelyentrancedbyWillGriffinstilllives,“…wasnaturalforyou.”
Hegrins.“Nottrue.Iwasnervous.”
Itakeinhispirateeyeswiththedangerousblackrimaroundhisirises,thetattooswrappingdownhisarmwiththemasculineveinsthatuniversallyturneveryoneon,andlastbutnotleast,therebelliouswaveofhairthatflopsdownabovehisbroweverytimeherakeshishandthroughit.“Idon’tbelieveyouforasecond.”
Will’seyesnarrowonmyface,jawsclenchingashedebatessomething.AndthenWillraiseshishandlevelbetweenus.That’swhenIseeit.Hishand,thatbeautiful,strong,inkedhand,istrembling.WillGriffinisshakingfromtouchingme.
“IfIwaiteduntilIfeltconfidenttolivemylifeanddothethingsIwanttodo,I’dneverlive.”Hestaresintomyeyes.“Thislessonisoneasoldastime:Fakeittillyoumakeit.Ifyouwantsomething,pretendyou’rethekindofpersonwho’snotscaredofit.”
IletoutahuhsoundasIsinkbackagainstthecouch.“Youdothat?”
“Allthetime,”hesays,stilllookingatme.“YoushouldhaveseenmethefirsttimeIwentskydiving.IactuallythoughtIwasgoingtoshitmypantsontheplane.”Webothlaugh.“ButItoldmyselfIwasTomCruiseatthatmomentandsomehowitworked.EndedupbeingoneofthemostfunthingsI’veeverdone.”
I’mmesmerizedbyhim.Ipullmylegsupontothecushion,fullyfacinghim.“Youseemlikeathrillseeker.”
Hesmiles.“Iabsolutelyam.It’saddicting.”
“Wereyouthatwayasakidtoo?”
Willlooksaway.“YoumeanwhenIdroppedoutofelementaryschoolandjoinedthecircustoworkasaliontamer?Definitely…”
Okay,that’sthesecondtimehe’sdeflectedaquestionregardinghischildhood.Apparently,thatmeansanyconversationsurroundinghisadolescenceisoffthetable.Interesting.
“Whatotheradventurousthingshaveyoudone?”
Hetakesinadeepbreath,hischestexpandingunderhissoftT-shirt.Oddly,mybrainnose-divestohowniceitwouldfeeltosinkontohimandrestrightthere—inthecrookofhisshoulder.Tohavehisarmsencirclemeandjustholdme.
“Let’ssee…duringAmelia’slastworldtour,IwentATVridingontheAtlantisTrailinSouthAfrica.I’mscubacertifiedandhavegonedivinginalotofplaces—butIthinkMexicowasmyfavorite.AndhikinginRedRockwasawesome.”
“That’salotofingwords,”Isay,suddenlyrealizinghowlittleI’vedoneincomparisontohim.Onceagain,Willunhelpfullyreadsmyface.Heknockshisknucklesagainstmyknee.
“There’sstilltimeforyoutodoanythingyouwanttodo.”
Ishrug.“Idon’tthinkadventureisthelifeforme.AnyonewhoknowsmewillattestthatI’mmorebuiltforasteady,saferoutine.MydreamistogetmarriedtoanicemanandhavebabieswhomIcaneventuallypassdownmyflowershopto.Soccergamesontheweekendandharvestpartiesinthefall.AndallofittakingplacerighthereinRome
Heholdsmygazeandsmilessoftly.“Hmm.”
“What?”
Hetipshisheadtotheside.“It’sjustthatI’mnottotallysurewhatyousaidistrue.”
“Itis,”Isay,feelingafrownbetweenmybrows.
“Okay.”
“Really!”Myvoiceisanoctavehigherthanusual.“That’swhatIwant.”
Hetipsabrow,looksdown,andopenshislaptop.“Ifyousayso.Now,fortheselessons.Doyouwantto—”
Islamthelaptopshut.“Youreallydon’tbelieveme?”
Thechallengeinhissmilinggazecutsdirectlytomine.“No.Ireallydon’t.”
“Whynot?”
Will’seyesfeellikeacaressonmyface.“BecauseyoutoldmenottocallyouAngelAnnie.Becauseyouwrestledmeinyourshopandthenmasterfullymaneuveredmeintobeingyourdatingcoach.Becauseyoureadbooksaboutwomenwhoarepulledfromtheiraveragelivesandthrustintohugeadventureswheretheythriveandfindpassion.BecauseeventhoughyousayyouwererelievedwhenyourealizedIlivedinthisoldlady’sroom,Icouldseethedisappointmentinyoureyes.”Hisgazedropstomylips,holdsfortwoseconds,andcomesbackupagain.“Itseemstome,Annie,thatyouarejustwaitingforsomeonetogiveyoupermissiontobeyourselfoutloud.”
Myhearttripsoverhiswords.Istayquiet.Iwasn’tdisappointedatthesightofhisroom—Iwasrelieved.Right?Sure,I’vehadacrushonWillthiswholetime,butit’snotlikeI’mharboringanysecretambitionstobeanythingmorethanfriendswithhim.
No,noneofwhathesaidwastrue.Itcan’tbetrue—becauseifso,thenthisvoidI’mfeelingisnotgoingtogoawaywiththefutureIdescribedtohim.It’sgoingtogetworse.AndwithGrandma’shealthfailingandsomuchchangealreadyhappeningallatoncetoNoahwithhiswedding,myfamilywon’tbeabletohandleAnniehavinganearlylifecrisisontopofit.
SoI’mgoingtoputhiswordsoutofmyheadandnotdwellonthem.AllIneedarethesedatinglessonssoIcansnagmyselfahusbandandgetmarriedandlivehappilyeverafterjustlikemymomanddad.That’sit.
IlookdownwhenIfeelWill’shandgentlysplayacrossmyknee.“Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.”
“Youdidn’t,”Isayquickly,swallowingmyfeelingsandlookingupathimwiththebestsmileIcanmuster.Henodsslowlyandturnshiseyestohislaptop,openingitonceagain.ThistimeIlethim.
Withoutlookingatme,headds,“Tellyouwhat,Annie.We’llgetyouyourcommittedrelationshipandyourwhitepicketfence,andifforsomereasonitdoesn’tfeelrightandyouwantthatadventureafterall—”Helooksatme.“CallmeandI’llcomeholdyourhandontheflight.”
Hiswordswraparoundmyheartandsqueeze.Andit’sinthismomentthatIrealizeBuzzFeedwasn’tabletocapturethemostwonderfulexpressionI’veseenfromWillyet—tenderness.CHAPTERFOURTEENWill
“AsmuchasIappreciateit,youdidn’thavetorepairthesiding,youknow?Would’vehadDarellcomebackandfixit,”saysMabel.She’shoveringbehindmeinherpinkpullovergown,steamingcupofcoffeeinhand.
“Believeme,Idid.”TherewasnowayIwasgoingtomakeherpaytohavesomethingreplacedthatIintentionallybroke.Ididn’tevenintendforMabeltoknowIwastheonewhofixedit(orplanstofixit).ButaboutfiveminutesagosheheardmeasIattemptedtofitthesidingbackontothehouseandcamemarchingoutinhergowntoaskwhatthehellIwasdoingouthereatthecrackofdawn.It’saroundeightinthemorning.Hardlydawn.ButsometimesIforgetthattherestoftheworlddoesn’tsharemysameearlymorningrhythmofwakingupatfiveandgoingforajog.
TodayitwasrainingwhenIwokeupsoItriedtostayinbedlater.ButthenmythoughtstookoveranddovedowneveryavenueItrytoavoid.LikeEthangettingmarriedtosomeonehebarelyknows,andwonderinghowI’mgoingtorespondtothetexthesentmebeforebedlastnight:Pleasedon’tfreezemeout.Ineedyouduringallofthis.
Ihonestlydon’tknowwhattosay,though.I’mnotreadytowelcomehisnewfiancéewithopenarms,andI’mstartingtorealizeitmightnothaveanythingtodowithEthanorHannah.LastnightasIlistenedtoAnnietalkaboutthekindoffutureshewanted,Ifeltthatrelentlesstuginmychestagain.NotbecauseIwanttheharvest-partiesandsoccer-gameslifeshementioned,butbecauseIwanttheabilitytodreamofalifewithsomeonelikeAnniewheremyimmediatethoughtisn’t:Buthowisitgoingtofail?Ethanseemstohaveunlockedsomenewpartofhimselfthatcanjustmovepastwhatwewentthrough,andIthinkI’mwildlyjealousofhimforit.Maybeevenalittlebitter.Becausetheonlydifferenceinourupbringingisthathehadsomeoneoldertotakecareofhim—tomakesurehewaslovedandhuggedregularly.
Ihadnoone.
EvennowIhavenoone,butthedifferenceisI’vestoppedwaitingforsomeonetofillthatrole,andI’mbetterforit.
AfterIpushedthoughtsofEthanout,newones—equallyunwelcomeones—tooktheirplace.OnesthatstarredAnnieWalker.Thefeelofherhandsundermine.Thewayshesmelledduringmydemonstration.Ugh.Thatdamndemonstration.Beforesheshowedup,Ihadpromisedmyselftobehave.Keepthingsbuttonedupandbusinesslike.ButofcourseAnniehad
NowI’mstuckwiththememoryofhersoftskinandpartedlipsanddilatedpupils.Shewantedmetokissher.Badly.AndIwantedtokissherjustasmuch.Probablymore.Andtheworstpartis,I’mnotjustphysicallyattractedtoher.Ican’tgetenoughofhearinghertalk,andIwanttoreadeverybookshehasstashedaway,andIwantmorethananythingtotakeheronanadventureshe’llneverforget.
Atleastwefinallygotarealplaninplacefortheselessons.Itwasnotaneasytask,though,becauseItoldAnnieweshouldgethersignedupforonlinedating—towhichAnniespentagoodportionofthetimeexplaininghowsheinnowaywantedtobesentpicklepictures.Itoldhertocallthemdickpicsliketherestoftheworld,butsheonlygrimacedandrefused,sayingthatshedidn’tevenhaveanyselfiestouploadforadatingprofile.Thatmademeirrationallyupset.Whydoesn’tshehavephotosofherself?Becausenoonetakesphotosofherorbecauseshe’snotcomfortableenoughtobeinthem?ImadeasilentpromiseafterthattotakephotosofAnniewhileI’mintown.Andwevetoedtheonlinedatingcompletely.Instead,I’mgoingtotakeheroutinafewdayssoIcanofficiallyseewhatsortofa“baddate”I’mdealingwith,andwe’llcontinuefromthere.
Anyway,backtothismorning.Iwassickoffightingmythoughts,soIgotupandjoggedintherain,andthenwhentheweathercleared,IgotajumpstartonfixingshitonMabel’sInn.
NowsheraiseshermugtoherlipsandwatchesmeasIholdupthesiding,wonderinghowinhellIattachit.Ifoundahammerandsomenailsintheinn’sstoragecloset,butthey’resittinguselesslyatmyfeet.IthinkI’mmissingsomethingcrucialhere—becauseasIlookattheotherpiecesofsiding,Idon’tseeasinglenail.
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’redoing,huh?”Mabelasks.
“Notabit.”
Shesnorts.“It’sagoodthingyou’repretty.”
IgiveherasideglareanddropthesidingtothegroundnexttothehammerandnailsthatIdon’tthinkI’llbeusing.“Imightneedthenumberofyoursidingguy,”Iadmit,eventhoughI’drathereatmyshoethanforcesomeoneelsetocleanupthemessImade.
“LikeIsaid,you’renotresponsibleforthis.I’llcallDarrel.Yougoaboutyourday.”Shemakesashooingmotionwithherhand.
Ishiftonmyfeetuncomfortably.“I’dliketohelp,though.Ifyou’lljustgivemehiscontactnumber,I’llgethimtofixitandI’llpayfor—”
“YourippedthatsidingofftocreateadistractiontosneakAnnieintoyourroom,didn’tyou?”Thewrinklesinherforeheadmultiplyassheskewersmewithalookandwaitsformyresponse.
Mymouthfallsopen.Iflounderforananswer.“Howdidyouknow?”
It’snotworthittolie.Thiswomanhasabilitiesthatareclearlynottobeunderestimated.
Shegivesmeaslowgrin—masterfullyperfectedfromyearsofwieldingit.“Iknoweverythinginthistown.”
“Terrifying.”
“Isn’tit?”Shesipshercoffee.
“Iguessyou’llwanttoknowwhyshewassneakingintomyroom?”
“WouldyoutellmeifIasked?”
“No,”Isayhonestly.“Annieaskedmenotto.SoIhavetokeepmypromisetoher.”
Andforsomereason,havingAnnie’strustfeelslikeholdingtheworld.Ineverwanttobreakit.
“Goodman.IknewIlikedyou.”Sheraiseshermug.“Wouldalostalotofrespectforyouifyou’dcavedrightaway.”Hereyesshifttothemissingsiding,andlaughterspringstohereyes.Sheshakesherheadwithasmile.“Fool.Youcould’vejusttoldmeHarrietwasonherwaytothebarearlytotakemyplaceatpokernight.”
“Damn,”Isaygenuinely,alsoturningmyattentiontotheeyesoreonthesideofherinn.
“Nexttime.”Shedrinksfromhermugandthenturnsaway.“Iwon’ttellanyone,”shesaysloudlyinherscratchyvoice.“Andthesidingguy’smynephew.Letmecallhimbecauseit’llbeahoottotellhimhishandiworkdidn’tholdupandthenthreatentocallhisdaddy.”Shepausesandlooksbackatmewithliftedbrows.“NowgettoworkbeforeAmeliafiresyouandyouhavetoleavetownandAnniebehind.”Thecornerofhermouthtwitches,andIthinkherbrainisdrawingallsortsofconclusionsitshouldn’t.Oneswithweddingbellsandbabiesanddeep,deeproots.
“Nothing’sgoingtohappenbetweenmeandAnnie,”Isay,justtomakesureeveryoneisonthesamepage.
Shelaughs.“You’reawareit’sonlyeightinthemorning,right?Thatmeansit’stooearlyforyourshittalking.NowI’mgoingtogofinishmycoffeewhilewatchingThePriceIsRight,sogetoutofhere.”
IlaugheventhoughI’malittleterrifiedofMabel.Terrifiedandinawe.“Seeyoulater,Mabel.”
Withherbacktomeandfluffypinkgownswingingasshewalks,sheraiseshermugintheair.I’mnotfullyconvincedthere’sactuallycoffeeinthere.
—
“Youlookridiculous,”AmeliatellsmeaswewindourwayaroundthegreenhousesatHuxleyFarm.
“No,youlookridiculous,”Isay,lookingAmeliaupanddown.She’swearinghomemadecutoffshorts,brownworkboots,agraytanktop,andabigoversizefloppyhat—sooppositetoherusualclassictailoredlook.“Likeahillbilly.”
NormallyIwouldneverdarespeaktoaclientsofreely.ButthisisAmelia,andwe’veworkedtogetherforsolongnowwe’repracticallyrelated.AndAmeliaisthefurthestthingfromastuck-upcelebrityasyoucanget.Thefirstdayonthejobwithher,shethreweverythingIwastaughtoutthewindow.Thewomanrefusedtowalkinfrontofme,fallinginstepwithme,askinganendlessstringofquestionslike,Sowherewereyouborn?Howmanysiblingsdoyouhave?What’syourfavoritehobby?
Afterayearofthat,AmeliabecamemyfriendwhetherIwantedoneornot.Neveranythingmorethanthat.Yes,Iwouldabsolutelytakeabulletforthewoman,butIwouldneverinamillionyearssleepwithher.AndI’mathousandpercentsureshefeelsthesameway.
Shestranglesagutturallaughinherthroat.“Betterahillbillythanwhatyou’rewearing.YoulooklikeacityslickerstraightoutofaHallmarkmoviewhoneedstolearnalessoninthecountry.Whowearswhitesneakerstoafarm,Will?”
Ilookdownandcringeatthedirtsmudgesalreadyforming.“Itwasanoversightforsure.Butit’sbetterthandressinglikeEllyMayClampettfromTheBeverlyHillbillies.Idon’tevenknowwhoyouareanymore.”
Igivehershitaboutit,butthetruthis,IlikethisnewsideofAmelia.Sheseemslighterandmorefun.Countrylifesuitsherthewayadventuresuitsme.Ijustdidn’trealizeuntilshewasherewithNoahhowmuchsheneededthisplace—thesepeople.
Shetouchesthebrimofherstrawhat.“It’sbasicallyfarmdresscode.Don’tworry,you’lllearn.”
“Don’tthinkso.I’llbeoutofherebeforethere’senoughtimeforanyofthistoruboffonmeonceyoupersuademybosstoletmego.”ThegrasscrunchesunderourfeetaswewalktoawideclearingbehindeachofthegreenhouseswhereAmeliaandNoahareplanningtoholdtheirceremonyandreception.
Ameliasquintsupatme.“Youreallydon’twanttostickaroundafterthewedding?”
Thismorning,onourdrivetothefarm,ItalkedtoherabouttheconversationIhadwithmyboss.That’soneoftheperksofhavinganontraditionalrelationshipwiththeclient.Icanbehonest.Ameliawasn’ttoothrilled,though.TheonlythingthatseemedtoeasehermindwaswhenItoldhertocallmewhenshe’sreadytotouragain.
“Ican’t,”Isay,lookingdownatherwithagenuinelysadsmile.“You’rehandsdownmyfavoritepersontoworkfor—andagoodfriend—butyouknowme.Ineedafast-pacedlife.I’veonlybeenhereafewdays,andI’malreadypullingmyhairout.”Sortof.Okay,intruthithasn’tbeenallthatbad,butIdon’twanttoadmitthattoAmelia,orshe’llbelikeakidinacandyshop.
“Isafast-pacedlifereallywhatyouneed?”sheasks,surprisingmewiththeseriousnessofhertone.Shehasspiritualguideeyesrightnow,andshe’sfreakingmeout.
Iturntowardherandfrown.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Nevermind.”
Idon’ttrustthat“nevermind”onebit.“Willyoutellmybossyou’reokaywithbeingassignedanewEPA?”
Shelooksatmewithameaningfullysharpexpressionandatautsmirk.“I’llconsiderit.”
Meaningno.
Sheraisesherhandtothetopofherhatassheturnshergazetotheopenfield.“Sowhatdoyouthink?Greatplaceforawedding,right?”
Ilookoutoverthesprawlinggreengrassdustedwithlittlewhitewildflowersanddandelionsthatfadeintoalushtreelineunderdarkblueskies.“It’sbeautiful.”
Evenacyniclikemecanappreciatehowperfectthisspotisforawedding.
“Ithinksotoo.”Ameliabounceslightlyonherfeetandthenstartsoutinfrontofme,excitedlydescribingwhat’sinherimagination.“We’llhavearowofadorablewoodenfoldingchairshere.Andonehere.Thisiswherethecenteraislewillbe.”Shepointstoherleft.“Overtherewe’rehavingatemporarydancefloorinstalled,andtherewillbeallthesedreamylightsandvelvetfabricsdrapingoveritlikeacanopy.Andthenoverthereiswherewe’llhavethefood.”
IwatchsilentlyasAmeliabouncesaroundtheemptyfield—joyburstingfromherlikesunlightasshedescribesherwedding.What’sitliketofeelthatunbridledexcitementtowardsharingyourlifewithsomeoneelse?Tobefullofhopeandanticipationratherthandreadandcynicism.Ienvyher.
“Allright,areyougettingboredoverthere?”sheyellsacrosstheexpanseofgrass.
Ishutmyeyesandpretendtosnore,makingherlaugh.
“Fine,letmejusttakethispictureandwecango,”shesays,fishingoutherphone.
Thewholereasonwearehererightnowissoshecantakeapictureoftheareaforherweddingplanner,whohasbeenworkingremotely,andthenI’llescortherintotown,whereshe’sgoingtospendtheafternoonwithNoahinThePieShop.AndthenI’llbeonmyownfortherestoftheday.Wherethatthoughtusedtocausedread,nowIfeelastirofanticipation.IwonderwhatAnnie’sdoing?
OnceAmeliaisfinishedwithherphotos,wemakethetrekbackthroughthefarmtowardhertruck.Wefillthesilenceeasilyasusual.
“It’sanicefarm,”Isay,pretendingIknowanythingaboutfarms.“Goodgrass.”
Luckily,Ameliasharesmybrandofsarcastichumor.“Right?That’sclearlythebesttractortoo.”
“Yeah.The…greenisgood.”
“I’vedrivenit,”shesaysproudly.“It’sprettyslow.”
Ihumnoncommittallyasweagainapproachthegreenhousesfullofproduceandoneofflowers.Inmylimitedknowledgeoffarms,thisonefeelsmassive.Ithasoutdoorcropsinadditiontothegreenhouses.Somedairycowstoo.
AmeliaandIcontinuetomakefarm-ignorantcommentsbackandforthuntilIseeafigureseveralyardsawayinoneoftherowsofhugepinkflowers.Myeyesaresnaggedimmediately,andIdoadoubletake.Annie.Herblondehairisbraidedtotheside,herfaceshieldedbyabigstrawsunhat.She’swearingworkglovesandholdingapairofgardeningscissors.Todayshehasatightwhiteshort-sleevedshirtunderneathhercutoffjeanoveralls.Iswearthesunlighthitsthiswomandifferentlythanotherpeople.Itseepsintoherskin,makesherglow.
Iimaginerunningmyhandsoverthatsun-warmedskin,anddesirepunchesmeinthestomach.Orrather,somewherefarthersouththanthestomach.Istare—andeverythinggetsworseasAnniebendsovertoclipafewlongstemsfromtherowofflowers.Mygazesweepsoverthesoftcurveofherass,downhertanlegstoherbrownworkboots.Shelooksmouthwateringlysweet.
“Howcomeyou’renotcommentingthatshelookslikeEllyMayClampett?”asksAmelia,bumpinghershoulderintomyarm.
“Who?”Myvoicecomesoutasdryasthedesert.Ameliabarksoutalaugh,andIshakemyselffromthedazetolookather.“Iwasjusttryingtofigureoutwhatthenameofthoseflowersis.”
Shesmirks.“Uh-huh.Sure.Whydon’tyouaskthewomanyou’regawkingat?”
Iwigglemyfingersinfrontofhersmugface.“Canyoudolessofthisplease?”
Shebatshereyelashes.“Lessofwhat?”
“Thematchmaking.Icanfeelit.Thistownhasseepedintoyourbrainandturnedyouintoadisgustinghopelessromantic.”
“AndIcanturnyouintoone,too,ifyou’djustquitfightingitsohard.You’renotgoingtowanttobeaplayerforever,youknow?Andifyouhappentomeetacuteblondeflowershopownerandwanttogivedatingago…well,then—”
“IknewyouhadulteriormotivesbyaskingmetobeAnnie’sdatingcoach.You’regoingtobeverydisappointedwhenthisdoesn’tworkoutthewayyouwant.I’mnotgoingtofallinlovewithAnnieorwhateveritisyouthinkisgoingtohappen.”
“Yeah…thelovepart.That’sexactlywhatIthinkwillhappen.”
“Likehell.Idon’tthinkI’mbuiltforlove.”
Shenarrowshereyes,stillnotconvinced.“ThenwhydidyousayyestohelpingAnnie?”
Why,indeed.BecauseshehasaholdonmethatIcan’tfigureout.Becausehereyesdothissparklythingwhenshe’sexcitedandthelighthitsthemjustright.Becausethecurveofherbottomlipisperfect.BecauseIfeeldesperatetoknowwhatwildthingshe’sgoingtosaynextanytimeshe’saround.
“Becausethere’sabsolutelynothingtodointhistown,andIneedsomethingtokeepmebusywhenyoudon’tneedm—”
Icutoff,myeyesdriftingtofollowthenewsceneplayingoutinfrontofme.JamesappearsoutofnowhereandwalksdowntherowofflowerstowardAnnie.He’scarryingabucketfullofcutrosesandthemusclesinhisarmsbulgeobnoxiously.HesmilesatAnnieandshelooksoverjoyedtoseehim.Hesetsdownthebucket,andshelaunchesherselfintohisarmsforanicebigbearhug.Thesqueezehegivesherinreturnfeelslikeabitmuch.
Ameliahoversinmyvisionagain,followingmygaze.“Someonefeelingalittlejealous?”
“Notintheleast.”
“Yourjawjustflexed.”
“Itdoesthatnaturallybecauseit’ssosquare.”
“Youmeanitdoesthatnaturallywhenyou’rejealous.”Shedragsoutthewordannoyingly.
Isighandclosemyeyes,tiltingmyfaceuptowardthesun,wishingitwouldburnmeup.ItwouldbebetterthanhavingtoendureAmeliaonamission.Lasttimethishappeneditwasovertacos.ImadetheterriblemistakeoftellingherIdidn’tlikethem—whichhappenstobeherfavoritefood—andsheproceededtostopateveryacclaimedtacoplaceduringaU.S.tourandmademetryonefromeachrestaurantuntilIfoundoneIliked.
Unfortunately,Idoliketacosnow,butit’sannoying.
Amelialaughs,andI’mafraidthatifwestandheremuchlonger,they’regoingtohearherevilcackleandnoticeus.
IopenmyeyesandputmyhandsonAmelia’sshoulders,steeringherinthedirectionofthecar—oppositetothewayofAnnieandJames.“Allright.Timetogo.”
“Becauseyou’reragingwithjealousyandabouttothrowyourfistinJames’sface?”
“Becauseyou’reclearlyhavingaheatstrokeandgrowingdelirious.I’mnotintoAnnie.”I’mnot,I’mnot,I’mnot.OrifIam,it’spurelylust.LustthatIwillnotactonbecausethatfeelslikeanawkwardsituationwaitingtohappen.Youcan’thaveaone-nightstandwithsomeoneinatownofthissize.NottomentionthesituationthatAmeliajustinsertedmeintoasAnnie’sdatingcoach.Allsignspointtowarddon’t!
Ameliaisrelentless,though.“Youknowwhat?NowthatIthinkofit,AnnieandJamesdomakeacutecouple.Ishouldaskhimtohelpherwithherpracticedatesinstead.”
Ileaveherinmydust,eatingupthegroundtogettothetruckfaster.“It’sagoodthingyoufoundNoah,”Icallovermyshoulder.
“Don’tyouwanttogetonemorelookatherbeforeyouleave?”Ameliatauntscheerfully.
“Nope.I’mgood.”
“Ohmygosh,Will,theyjustkissed!SomuchtongueIcanseeitfromhere.”
Irollmyeyesandkeepwalking.ButwhenIgettoAmelia’struck(sherefusestorideinthecompany-providedSUV),Iglancebrieflyovermyshoulder.
Annieisbyherselfagainamongtheflowers,andforsomereason,thatmakesmebreatheasighofrelief.CHAPTERFIFTEENAnnie
JeaninesetsdowntheplateofFrenchtoastIorderedrightnexttotheplateofpancakes.Ihavetoscoottheomeletwithasideofbaconalittletothelefttomakeroom.Thebowloffruitbalancesofftheoppositeedgeofthetable,butIreachmyfootunderandusethetoeofmyshoetoscoochitbackon.
“Hun,thisisalotevenforyou,”saysJeanine,pushinghergorgeousredponytailbackoverhershoulder.JeanineisoneofthosewomenI’dliketoshadowforadayandtakenotesonhowshedoes…everything.Shehasthatnaturalswaytoherhipswhenshewalksthatscreamsconfidence.Asmilethatisinnatelyflirtatious.Andsheoncewentwithmeandmysisterstoabarinthecitywherethewomancameawaywithtenphonenumbers!Ridiculous.Inspiring.
“They’renotallforme.I’mmeetingsomeone.”
Iftherewasarecordplaying,itwouldhavescreechedtoastop.Jeanine’ssharpblueeyeswhiptome.PhilandTodd,sittingtwoboothsdown,angletheirfacesinmydirection.Greg,behindthebreakfastbar,nearlyspillsthecoffeehewaspouring.
Jeaninesmilesthen.“Oneofyoursisters?”
“Nope.”Ishifttheplatesaround,needingsomethingtodowithmyhands.“Someoneelse.”MykneebouncesunderthetableandI’msweating.Becausetoday,IammeetingWillforapracticedate.
HeswungbytheshopearlierthismorningandaskedifI’dliketomeethimforalow-keypracticedate.Anddespitethefactthatwe’remeetingatthelocaldiner,I’mstillbuzzingwithnervousenergylikeI’mmeetinghimatathree-starMichelinrestaurant,andit’sgoingtobefilmedforliveTV.Icouldn’tfocusonmyworkatall.Ispilledmycoffeefromhowmuchmyhandwasshakingonthewayintowork.I’vehadaconstantbuzzingsensationinmystomachthatmakesmefeelasifI’mabouttotakeflight.
“Someoneelse,yousay?”Jeanineprompts,clearlywantingmetodishallthegossipsoshedoesn’thavetodigituponherown.
Inthatmoment,theSomeoneElseinquestionwalksthroughthedoor.Hispresencefillstheplacelikeasuddengustofsummerwind.Willstepsintothediner,removeshissunglassesinslowmotion(okayfine,it’sregularspeedbutagirlcanimagine),hisbicepsflexingunderhisblackshort-sleevedshirtashedoes.Heturnshishead,scouringthedineruntilhisblue-grayeyesfindme.Asmiletugsthecornerofhismouthashehangshisglassesonthecollarofhisshirt.
Ihavemeltedintoapuddleinthebooth.Iamnolongerhuman—justablobofdesire.
Andnowhe’swalkingtowardme,andJeanine’sfaceisastudyinshockandawe.Everyone—andIdomeaneveryone—watchesWillGriffinandhisinkedbodywalktomytable.Clearly,theythoughtitwasokaywhenhewassilentlyguardingAmelia,butmeetingmeforasololunchistoomuchtostomach.AngelAnnieandbodyguardWill?It’sabigconcept.EvenI’mstrugglingalittleathowweendeduphere.
It’sallfake,that’show!
“Hi,”hesaysashislaughing,roguisheyeslandonme.
“Hiyourself.”Ohgeez,itcomesoutalittlemoreflirtatiousthanIintended,buttheshadowofourafternooninhisbedroomisstillshieldingmefromreality.Ismileupathimashestopsbesidethebooth,notabletotakehisseatbecauseofhowJeanineisblockingit—staringinthicksilence.She’stryingtoprocesswhyWillGriffinismeetingmeforlunch.
“Hey,sorry,doyoumindifI…”Hegesturestowardthebenchshe’sblocking.
Jeanineshakesherselffromhishypnoticeyesandpracticallyleapsaway.“Sorry!Yes.Haveaseat,honey!”Shecallseveryonehoney.It’sherthing.It’swhyshegoeshomewithtenphonenumbersfromthebar.
“CanIgetyouanything?”sheasksWill,stillinadaze.
Helaughs,eyeingthetable.“NormallyIwouldsayyes,butitlookslikethewholemenuisalreadyhere.”Helooksupatmeinquisitively,onebrowlifted.Soimpressive,thatability.
Ifidgetwiththenapkinbesidemyplate.“IwasnervouswhileIwaited.SoIwentaheadandorderedafewthingsforus…”
“Justafew,”herepeatswithasmileinmydirectionandthenlooksbackuptoJeanine.“IthinkI’vegoteverythingIneedhere.Thankyou.”
“Allright,darling,well…justhollerifyouneedanything.”Shegivesmeaspeakingglanceandthenslowlypullsherselfawaytoreturntotheareabehindthecounter.
Willleansforwardslightly.“Whatwasthatlookfor?”
IshrugmyshoulderseventhoughIknowexactlywhatthatlookwasabout.AndthenIpushmyfullplateawaybecausesuddenlyIcan’tevenentertaintheideaofeating.“Allright.Let’sdothis.What’sfirst?”
Will’sgazemovesfrommyplatetomyface,acautioussmileinplace.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Igesturebetweenus.“Dating.WhatdoIdofirst?You’vesatdown,Iorderedyoueverythingyoucouldpossiblyneed.WhatdoIdonow?EspeciallywithmyhandsbecauseI’mgettingtheurgetowavethemaroundfornoreason.”
Andwow,that’ssofreeingtosaytosomeone.Normally,ondatesIhavetokeepthosethoughtsinmyhead,butinthisscenario,Icanspillmygutsandnothingbadhappens.Ameliaisagenius.
“Youdon’tneedtodoanythingwithyourhands.”
“ItfeelslikeIdo.How’sthis?”Iperchthemonthetable,andhewatches,trackingmymovementsasIadjustthemagain.“No?Howaboutlikethisthen?”Ispreadmyarmoverthebackofthebooth.Iscrunchmynose.“Thisfeelsmanly.DoIlookmanly?DoesthislooklikeI’massertingdominance,becauseIcantellyourightnowI’mabetaalltheway.”
Willreachesacrossthetableandpushesmyplatebackinfrontofme.“Howaboutyoujusteatthis?”
“Ican’teat.I’mtoonervous.”
“What’stheretobenervousabout?”
“You,”IsayhonestlybeforeIremembertofilter.SomethingaboutWilldoesthistome,though—Ican’thelpbutsayexactlywhatI’mthinking.“Or…youasinmen.Adate.Yougetit.”
Hepicksuphiswaterglass,presseshislipstotherim,andtakesaquickdrink.“Ihaveasecretyoumightliketoknow.It’srelatedtoyourpiratebooks.”
Ihaveneverneededtoknowanythingmoreinmyentirelife.“Tellme,”IsayleaningoverthetableandsplayingmyhandsonthesurfacelikeI’mwillingtopushtheentirethingawayifneedbe.
Hegrinsandnodstowardmyplate.“TakeabiteandIwill.”
Ieyehimsideways,seeingrightthroughhistactics.“I’mnotoneofthosegirlsyouhavetoworryabouteating,youknow?Ilikefoodnormally.Enjoyitoften.Couldprobablycleanmostoftheseplatesmyselfifthisweren’tapracticedatemakingmefeellikebarfing.”Iwince.“Isaidbarfingatthetable.Onadate.See,thisiswhyIoptforsilence,usually.Whenyougetmegoing,there’snofilter.”
Heshakeshishead—seeminglyunfazedbymybarfcomment.“It’sjustme.Youcan’tmessupbecausethere’snothingtomessup.I’myourpracticeperson,remember?”Heholdsmygaze.“You’resafewithme.”
Hisgentletonehasallofthetensioninmybodymeltingawaylikebutterontoast.Itakeinadeepbreathandreleaseit.“Okay.”
“Okay.”Asmile.“Noweat.”
Asifoncue,mystomachgrowls.Witharevivedappetite,Iswitchmyplateofeggsfortheburgerandfries.Afterbitingintotheburger,IwipemymouthwithmynapkinandraisemyeyebrowsatWill.“Abiteforasecret.Let’shearit,WolfBoy.”
Hepointslazilytohisear.“Iusedtowearanearring.”
Mymouthfallsopen,butthenIrememberthere’sfoodinthereandclampitshut.SuddenvividimagesofWillinapirateoutfit,pistolshangingoffaleatherbeltaroundhiswaist,shirtgapingopenoverhisinkedchest,andnow…asilverhoopinhisear.Orno,itwouldbesomethinggaudier.Anemerald.Arubyhestolefromaladyinaballroom.
“Whatthehellisgoingoninyourheadrightnow?”heasks,pullingmefrommyfantasy.
Myfaceflames.“Nothing.Let’schangethesubject.”Isquirminmyseat,suddenlyfeelingbothhotandawkward.Willcanneverknowwhatwasgoingoninmyhead.
Hehums,grinninglikehesomehowalreadyknows.Iwadmynapkinandthrowitathim.“Youdon’tknow.”
“IthinkIdo.”Hecirclesafingeraroundhisface.“Youwearallyourthoughtsonyourface.Soopenly.Youweretakingmyclothesoffinyourhead.”
Igasplikeanoutragedmatronlywoman.“Absolutelynot.”
Hiseyessparkle.“Hownakeddidyougetme?Allthewayorjusttomyunderwear?”
Iburymyfaceinmyhands.“Movingon!What’snext?”
Hehaspityonme,leaningforwardandrestinghiselbowsonthetable.“Allright.Tellmewhatyou’remostinsecureaboutwhenitcomestofirstdates.What’syourweakestpoint?”
“Iseverythingtoobroad?”
“Abit,yeah.”
ItakeinadeepbreathandthinkbacktomydatewithJohn.“Conversation,Ithink.I’msousedtomyfamilyandthewaythereisneveraquietmomentwiththemthatIdon’tknowhowtohandlelulls.SoIusuallytrytofillitasquicklyaspossible.”
“Andthatgetsyouintotrouble?”
“IgaveaTedTalkonthereproductivecyclesofflowersonmylastdate.”
Willgivesavaliantefforttonotburstwithlaughter.ButIseeitthere,hoveringbelowthesurface.Hisnostrilsflare.Hischeektwitches.“Isittoomuchtoasktohearthismonologue?Pleasetellmeflowersareintokinkystuff?”
“Stop!”Isay,laughingandstretchingmyfootunderthetabletopushhisknee.Chuckling,hecapturesmyankleinsteadoflettingmekickhim.Histhumbglidessoftlyacrossthetenderskinofmyankleandatthesamemoment,ourlaughterfades.Theaircracksbetweenus,andheletsgowhileIclearmythroatandsitupstraight.
Silenceblanketsthetable.
Willpopsafryinhismouthandthenlicksthesaltoffhislips.BeforeIrealizeit,I’mwatchingohsoclosely.Forresearch!Obviously.Notinghowtheprosdoit.
ThistimehedoesthemanlylookItriedbutcouldn’tmaster:armhookedoverthebackofthebenchseat.Socasualandcomposed.Likemaybehisshouldersaretightfromalongworkoutandhejustneedstostretchthem.Myeyestrackdownthatlongarmasitspansoutoverthetop,puttinghisfloraltattoosondisplayforme.
Willclearshisthroat.“It’sokaytolettheconversationgoquietforabit,bytheway.Theabilitytobesilentshowsconfidence.”Asiftoillustrateapoint,heshifts,picksuphiswaterglass,andtakesalongdrink.HisAdam’sapplebobsagainstthelongcolumnofhisthroat,andnowI’mconvincedIneedtojumpintoapoolfulloficebecauseIamwaytoohotandbotheredforacasuallunchatthediner.Whatishappeningtome?
Ileanmyforearmsonthetable,sittingforward.“Howareyousogoodatthis?”
“Practice.Everyonethinksagooddateissomethingthatcomesnaturally,butit’snot.It’stakentimeformetolearnthebesttactics.Liketheotherdayinmyroomwhenwe…”Hetrailsoffandlooksdownbriefly.“Anyway,yeah.Iknowmystrengthsnow,andI’mconfidentinthem.”
Interesting.He’savoidingrememberingthatmomenttoo.DidhefeelasaffectedbyitasIwas?
Athrillingconcept.
“Hey,canIaskyouarandomquestion?”
“Sure.”
“IstheresomethingbetweenyouandJames?”
Astartledpunctuatedlaughjumpsfrommythroat.“MeandJames?”I’msuremyeyesarebuggingfrommyhead.“Noway.ThatwouldbelikemefallinginlovewithNoah.Gross.”
“Really?”heasks,lookingalittleskeptical.
“Really.Ican’tthinkofanythinglessappealing.NooffensetoJames.”IsmileasWillnods.“Whydoyouask?”
Heshrugs.“Noreason.Justthoughtitwouldbegoodtogetthewholepicture.IfweweretryingtospecificallyhelpyousnagJames,thenwecouldtailorourlessons.”
Makessense.Butno—Jamesmaynotbemybrotherbyblood,buthe’smybrotherallthesame.
Ipullmylegsupinthebooth,crossingoneovertheother.“Okay,speakingoflessons.AfterI’velearnedtobaskinsilenceconfidently,thenwhat?WhataboutwhenIneedtotalk?Idon’tthinkmysexyflowersareasinterestingtootherpeopleastheyaretoyou.”
Helaughsandgrabsanapkin.“Doyouhaveapen?”
Afterdiggingthroughmypurse,Ifindoneandhandittohim.Willthenwritesaseriesofsentencesonthenapkinandhandsittome.“ThesearethequestionsIhavememorizedthatIaskoneverysingledate.Questionsaboutfamilyarealwaysawkwardandhavetoomanypotentialpitfalls,andnoonereallywantstotalkabouttheirjob.SoIliketoaskfunicebreakersinstead.Workseverytime.”
Ireadthenapkinoutloud.“WhatwasyourfavoriteTVshowtowatchasakid?What’ssomethingyou’vealwayswantedtodobuthavebeentooscaredtodoit?Wouldyouratherskydiveorreadabook?”Ilowerthenapkin.“Youhavethesememorized?”
Henods.
“Andtheyreallywork?”
Hedoesn’tanswer.Instead,hetiltshisheadandwatchesmelikethere’saquestionthat’sbeennaggingathimforyears.“Annie,what’ssomethingyou’vealwayswantedtodobuthavebeentooscaredto?”
Immediatelytheanswercomestomind.OnethatIcan’tvoice.Onethathecan’tknow.
Instead,Inibbleonafryandmakeathinkingnoise.Andthenmyeyesrestonhisforearmandamoreappropriateanswersurfaces.“I’veactuallyalwayswantedtogetatattoo.”
Hesitsforward,lookingexcitedandalittlepleased.“Really?Whyhaven’tyou?”Heaskslikeitwouldbeassimpleasjustgettingahaircut.
“Idon’tknow.AcombinationofbeingafraiditwillhurtandnotsurewhatI’dget.”AndbecauseIjustcan’t.I’mAnnie—itwouldbeshocking.Itwouldbesooutofcharacterforme.Itwouldbe…fun.
SuddenlyWill’swordsfromtheotherdayramintomymemory:“Itseemstome,Annie,thatyouarejustwaitingforsomeonetogiveyoupermissiontobeyourselfoutloud.”I’mafraidtoadmithowrighthewas.HowmuchIhaven’tbeenabletogetourconversationoutofmyheadnomatterhowhardI’vetried.HowthemoreIthinkofit,themorefearIhavethatthefutureIdescribedtohimwon’tbeenough.Thatmarriageisn’tgoingtogivememyhappilyeverafter.Andifthat’strue,whatintheworldiscausingthishollowfeeling?
“Itdoesn’thurtthatbad,”hesaysbeforetakingabigbiteofpancakes.“I’msureyoucanhandleit.”
Myeyestracehisarmallthewaydowntothebutterfly.“Howdidyoudecideonyourflowers?”
Heanswerstooquicklyformetobelievehim.“Idon’tknow—I’vejustalwayslikedthem.”
“IfIliftmychinwhenIlie,lookingalittletoononchalantisyourtell.What’sthetruth,WillGriffin?”Iask,mirroringhisleanedforwardpositionsowe’reeyetoeye.
Hestaresatme,hisexpressionneverchanging.Andthenheshocksmewithanhonestanswer.“Inmyyardgrowingup…wehadamagnoliatreeoutback.Iusedtohideouttherealot.WhenIneededtogetaway.Itwassortofahavenforme.”
Oh.
SomethinginWill’seyesandthoughtfultonetellsmethathevisitedthattreeoften.Anditwasn’tjustahavenbutasafehaven.Aplaceheneededtoooften.AsIpictureayoungerversionofthismanhidingupinamagnoliatreeallbyhimself,myheartbleeds.Iwanttoclimbuptherewithhimandholdhishand.Iwanttoknoweveryreasonthatdrovehimupthosebranches—andIwanttomakeallthatpaingoaway.
Hesitsbackabruptlyandsmiles.“OfcoursethatwasbeforeIfoundmywolffamily.AfterthatIwastoobusyroamingthelandandhuntingtoclimbtrees.”
ThemoreIgettoknowWill,themoreIrealizehischarmingplayfulnessisnotalwaysreal.SometimesIthinkit’samask.It’sasmiledrawnonastickynoteandpastedonhisface.IfIweretopullitoff,Iwouldfindafrownbeneath.
“Comeon—don’tgivemethatlook,please.”Heglancesoverhisshouldertowardthefellowdinergoerswatchinguswithhawklikeintensity.Heflashessomeoneabeamingsmile.Wavesatanother
“AmIgivingyoualook?”
“Aheavyone,”hesaysbeforeturninghiseyesbacktome.“Let’smoveonandfigureoutwhattattooyoushouldget.”
Idon’twanttomakehimfeeluneasy,soIpushdownmygrowing,desperateneedtoknowthismaninfrontofme.It’sforthebestanyway.Empathyisthefirststeptowardfeelings.AndWillGriffinisnotsomeoneIcanhavefeelingsfor.
“Hmm.WellattheriskofyouthinkingI’mtryingtobeyourcopycat,itwouldbefuntogetsomeflowers.Maybealittlebouquetonmywrist.”Butthenanewideahitsme,andexcitementsurgesrighttomybelly.“Orevenhere.”Ipullmyshoulderforwardandtapthebackcenterofit.Will’seyestrackmyfingerandasmilelikelavameltsacrosshismouth.Foraminutehe’slosttowhatevermentalimagehe’sconjuringup.Andthenhisblue-grayirisesconnectwithmine—theblackcentersdilated.“Youshoulddefinitelygetthat.Itwouldbeverysexy.”
MystomachclenchesandIblinkathim.“YouthinkIwouldbe…sexywithatattoo?”
Helaughsoneshortlaugh,andforasecondI’mscaredhe’slaughingatme.Maybeheneversaidsexy.Maybemybrainaddedthatwordallonitsownoutofhope.Ifthat’strue,I’mgoingtoneedtojointhewitnessrelocationprogram.
“No,Annie.Don’tgetittwisted.Ialreadythinkyou’resexywithoutatattoo.SoIknowforsureyouwouldbewithone.”
Mylipspartonasharphappyinhale.Didhereallymeanthat?I’veneveronceinmyentirelifebeenreferredtoassexy.Alwaysniceorthegirlwithagoodheart.Neversexy.Neveranythingthatmademefeelquitesowomanlyasthewordhejustusedtodescribeme.Butthenwithaflashofdisappointment,Irememberhowthiswholeconversationstarted.
Again,thiswasademonstration.Practice.He’sshowingmehowwellthelinesworkandhowheeffortlesslyflirtsbecauseofthem.Wasthestoryaboutthetreereal?Orisitjustallapartofthemechanics.
Ugh.Myheartisracingandmyskinfeelsclammy.LikeI’mgoingtocry.OhGod,amIgoingtocry?
IgiveastiltedlaughwhiledroppingmygazeandblinkingahundredtimesatmyplateasIshiftitaroundtowipeanonexistentdropofwaterfromthetable.“Nice.Goodline.”
“Wait,what?”hesayssoundingconfused.
Iclearmythroatandflashhimanimitationofhisownfakesmileaminuteago.“Iseewhatyoudidthere.Withthedemonstrationaboutthelineandthenthesubsequentflirting.Itworkedflawlessly,”Isay,overlycheery.“I’lldefinitelyhavetorememberit.Welldone.”
“Annie…”
“Youknowwhat?Ineedtogetbacktotheflowershop.Ijustrememberedsomeoneiscomingbytopickupabigorder.Hugeorder.”Ishootupfromthebench.“TellJeaninetoputmyhalfonmytab.”
“Wait—Annie!”
“Sorry!Ireallyjusthavetogo.Thanksforthelesson!”
I’minsucharushtoleavethedinerthatonmywaytothedoor,IrunstraightintoPhil’schest.“Hi,darlin’,howareyouthismorning?”hesayswithabigsmile.
SweetPhil.Hehelpedmelearntoridemybike,andgavememyfirstsummerjob,restockingshelvesinhisstore.Philwearsdadsneakersandkhakishortseverydayofhislife—eveninthewinter—andIthinkifIweretogoopenhiscloset,I’dfindfifteenidenticalpairslineduponhangers,pressedneatlyandreadyforaction.ItrulyadorePhil,andIdon’twanthimtoknowI’mupset.Mainlybecausethere’snoreasonforit.WillwasonlydoingexactlywhatIwantedhimtodo—teachmehowtosuccessfullyflirtandconverseonadate.
Butforsomereason,hearingthewordsI’vesodesperatelycravedcomingoutofhismouthandknowingtheyweren’ttrue,thattheywerejusttoproveapoint—well,ithurts.
“I’mgreat!”IsaytoPhil,mostlikelydoingapoorjobofconcealingmyemotionsbasedonthewayhisbrowsarecrunchingtogetherandhe’slookingovermyshouldertowhereWillistalkingtoJeanineatthebooth.Iwanttowavemyarmsaroundtodistracthim.Igoforthenextbestthing.“How’syoursaleonboltsandscrewsgoingtoday?”
It’sanewsaleeveryday,andit’sthehighlightofmymorningstomakeaguessaboutwhatthesaleofthedaywillbe.MysistersandIevenhaveadry-eraseboardonourfridgewherewepostourguesses.Loser(thepersonwhogetsthefewestcorrectguessesinaseven-dayperiod)getsgroceryshoppingdutythatweek.Unfortunately,I’mtheloserthisweek.
“Sellinglikehotcakes!Whoknewboltsandscrewswouldbesopopular?Ihaven’thadasalethissuccessfulsincerakeslastSeptember.Stopbythestorelater,Anniegirl,andI’llgiveyouapacketofbolts.Neverknowwhenyou’regoingtoneedone.”
“You’rethebest,Phil.”
Hefrownsagain.“Annie,hasthatboysaidsomethingtoupsetyou?”
Shoot.ThelastthingIneedisforthewholetowntosuspectthatWillishurtingme.They’llrunhimrightoutofhereiftheythinkI’mheadingforheartbreak.
AmI?
IhazardonelastglanceovermyshoulderandfindWillstandingupfromthetablewhilethrowingcashonthecheck.BecauseI’macoward,Iturnandpracticallyrunoutthedoor.CHAPTERSIXTEENWill
It’snighttimebeforeIcangetawaytofindAnnie.
Istilldon’tfullyknowwhathappenedthisafternoon.Everythingseemedtobegoingwell,andthenIcalledhersexyandeverythingfellapart.Shesaidsomethingaboutitbeinganicelineandworkingperfectly.ButI’mnotsurewhataboutthatwouldhavehurthersobadly.
AllIknowisthatthelookshehadbeforesheshotupfromthetableguttedme.Shewassmilingwithtearsinhereyes.Oneglanceatthoseblueeyesfilledwithemotion,andIwantedtobeghertostaysoIcouldfixwhateverhappened.Ihaven’tbeenabletoshaketheimagefrommyheadallday.AndnowI’mfinallyoffwork,andI’vebeentryingtohuntAnniedown.Icheckedherhousefirst,buthertruckwasn’tthere.AndthenIdrovebyHank’s,andshewasn’tthereeither.
Eventhoughhershopisclosed,Idecidedtocomebyanyway,andsureenough,theresheis.Thetownisdark,buthershopislituplikeaglassbox.Iseeherintherestandinginfrontofthewoodenworktable,shovingstemsofgreeneryintoavaselikeitpersonallyoffendedher.Herlongblondehairispiledonherheadinamessyjumbledheap,andshe’swearingalightpinkoversizesweatshirtthat’sdrapingoffoneofhershoulders.I’veneverseenherundonelikethat,andit’smakingmypulserace.Myfingersachetosinkintothebackofhermessyhairandwreckitevenmore.Seeingherbathedinlightandsurroundedbyflowersfromouthereinthedarkmakesmefeellikeamanwhoslippedoutofhellandisglimpsingheaven.
Annietakesastepbackfromherworktableandpressesonesweatshirtcoveredfisttohermouth,appraisingthebouquetshe’sbeenworkingon,andthenapparentlydecidingshehatesitandrippingallthestemsoutagain.
Itrythedoor,expectingittobelocked,butit’snot.ThebellchimesabovemyheadasIstepintothewarmshop.
“We’reclosed,”Anniesayswithoutevencheckingtomakesureaserialkillerisn’tabouttomurderher.
“That’stoobadbecauseIreallyneedtobuyabouquetforawoman,”Isay,andAnnie’sbodystiffens.“It’sanemergency.”
Slowlysheturnstolookatme.Herfaceisastudyinembarrassment,butIdon’tknowwhy.I’veneverwantedtocrawlintosomeone’sheadandreadalloftheirthoughtslikeIdowithAnnie.Myneedtounderstandher,toknoweverydesire,everyhopeandfearandlonging,scaresme.
“Whatkindofbouquetdoyouneed?”sheasks,tuggingthesleevesofhersweatshirt—whichIcannowseehasaslightlyfadedCharlotte’sFlowerslogoonthefront—overherfistsandbunchingthemupatherchest.
Isquintoneeye.“Anapologybouquet.”
Herfacesoftensandherhandsfalltohersides.“Will…youhavenothingtoapologizefor.”
“Ido,though—Isaidsomethingthatreallyhurtsomeone,andIdon’tknowwhy.”Itaketwostepscloser.“ButIwanttofixit.Iwanttomakeherfeelbetter.Soifyoucouldmakeherabouquetthatyouwouldliketoreceive,I’dbesograteful.”ShewatchesmecloselyasIedgeevenclosertoher.“Or…ifyou’retoobusy,maybeIcouldmakeheronemyself?”
AwarmsmilecurvesherfulllipsandmorethaneverIwanttopressminetohers.Iwanttolickthesweetnessrightfromherskin.“Youdon’tneedtodothat,Will.”
Iliftabrow.“Verypresumptuousofyou,ma’am.Youdon’tevenknowthelady.”
Shelaughsandshakesherheadbeforeshiftingonherfeet.“Fine.Ithinkiftheladyinquestionwashurt—itprobablywasn’tyourfault.”
IstepcloserandmysensesfillwithAnnie.Shesmellslikesunlightandsugarcookies.“Itwas.Icalledhersexyanditoffendedher.IthinkIcrossedaline.”
Anniepressestheheelsofherhandstohereyes.“No.Ohgosh—I’msoembarrassed.Let’sjustforgetit,please?”
I’mcloseenoughnowthatI’mabletotugherhandsdown.“Ican’tdothat.Whathappened,Annie?AreyouupsetthatIthinkyou’resexy?Areyouafraidit’sgoingtochangethings?”
Shesqueaksandhereyesclampshut.“No!I’mupsetthatyoukeepfeedingmethatlineoverandover.”
Ifrown.“It’snotaline.”
“Yes,itis.Wewereinthemiddleofpracticing,andyouluredmerightintoyourperfecttrapofseductionwithyourquestionandthenmadeupthestoryaboutthetreeandthenhookedmewiththelineaboutbeingsexy,anditwasjusttoomuch.AndthenIfeltsillybecauseIwastheonewhoaskedforallofthis,butthenIgotsocaughtupinitIforgotitwasademonstrationagain,and—”
Ipressmyhandtohermouth.“Noneofthatwasalie.None.Isweartoyou—Iwasn’tevensettingatrapofseductionorwhateveryousaid.ThestoryaboutthetreewastrueandsomethingI’venevertoldanothersoul.AndthepartwhereIthinkyou’rewildlysexyistruetoo.”AndthenInoticetearswellinginhereyesagain,andnowI’mcompletelylost.Ishiftmyhandfromhermouthtoclaspthesideofherjawandrubmythumbunderhereye—wipingawayatear.“Annie,whydoesthatmakeyoucry?”
Shecloseshereyesandshakesherheaddesperatelylikeshe’shopingitwillshakeheremotionsaway.“Because…becausenoonehaseversaidthataboutmebefore.”Thoseblueeyesopenagain,andaburstofpotentfeelingshitsmeinthechest.“Theysayitaboutmysisters—butneverme.I’malwayspraisedforbeingsoniceandkindandtender.I’mthegirlnextdoorwiththesweetface.I’mneverviewedasawoman,Will.Instead,I’mjusttheonemenbutterupsothatI’llintroducethemtoEmilyandMadison.EvenJohnsaid…”shetrailsoff.
“WhatdidJohnsay?”Iaskfeelingeverymuscleinmybodygorigid.
“WhenIoverheardhimonthephonetellinghisfriendhowboringIwas,healsosaidIwasonlyprettyish.”Shesmilessadly.
“I’llmurderhim.”
“Will!”Anniereprimandsmewithasurprisedlaugh.
“I’mserious,Annie.Thatguydoesn’tdeservetogoonlivingaftermakingyoufeelsoshitty.Especiallyafterheworetheugliestbaby-bluepoloI’veeverseenonadate.”Shelaughs,andIshiftmyhandaroundtothebackofherneck—notwillingtolethergoyet.“Andhe’sjustplainwrong.First,hewaswrongaboutyoubeingboring.Youdon’tevenneeddatinglessons,Annie,youweresoperfectonourdate.Evenwhenyouthinkyou’redoingsomethingwrong,you’resodamnadorableIwantedtopullyouintomylapanddothingswithyouinthemiddleofthatdinerthatwouldhaveputmeinjailforpublicindecency.Second,hewassowrongaboutyoubeingonlyprettyish.God,Annie,you’redrop-deadgorgeous.Sobeautifulit’shardtolookatyouandcontinuepersuadingmyselfthatkissingyouwouldbeamistakebecauseofouragreement.Andthird,yourass.”
Shegasps.“Whataboutit?”
“Yourassisaworkofart.Twoabsolutelyperfectslopesofsoftcurvysensualitythatabsolutelykillme,Annie.Yourasskillsme.AndIneedyoutoknowthatifweweren’tdoingthisjust-friendsthing—Iwouldhavealready…”Iletthesentencedangleasmyeyesrakeoverher,implyingeverythingI’vedreamedofdoingwithAnniebutnotsayingitoutloudbecauseIthinkI’vealreadysaidtoomuchasitis.AndthethingthatscaresmethemostishowdesperateIamforhertoknowallofthisandbelieveit.I’msogoodatplayinggames.AtstrategicallymovingpiecesaroundsoIcanbeseductivewithouteverreallyhavingtobereal.Withouttrulyriskinganyfeelings.ButjustnowIwasmorehonestandineloquentthanI’veeverbeeninmylife.
I’mnotplayinggameswithAnnie—I’mspillingmyheartout.
Whenourgazeslockagain,hertearsaregone.Instead,hercheeksarerosyandshe’spressinghersmileintoherknuckles.
Igentlyangleherfaceuptolookatme.“Doyoubelieveme?”
Shenodssilently.Andthenhereyesdroptomylips.“Butyouwerewrongaboutsomething.”
“What’sthat?”
“Itwouldn’tbeamistaketokissme.”
Myheartramsintomyribs.“Itwouldn’t?”
“No.Infact,IthinkweshouldkissbecauseIcouldusethepractice.”
“Annie,practicingdatingisonethingbut—”
“Iwanttochangeouroriginaltermstoo.”Sheshiftsonherfeet,andhereyescontinuetoflitbackandforthbetweenmyeyesandmymouth.“Thiswholethingstartedoffwithmewantingtogetgoodatdating,but…themoretimeIspendwithyou,themoreIfeelsomethingcomingtolifeinsideme.SomethingIcan’tquitepinpointbutIdon’twanttoloseeither.Youmakemefeeldifferent,andIlikeit.Ifeelfreewithyou—adventurousandcurious.”
ShepausesandIdon’tdaresayanything.Ineedtohearwherethisisgoingwithoutinsertinganyideasofmyown.
“SoIwaswonderingifyou’dbethesomeonetohelpmepracticetakingriskswith,doingnewthings,and…maybefindingwhoIamnow?”
“Beyourall-encompassingpracticesomeone?”Iask,lettingmythumbdragagainstherbottomlip.
“Ifit’snottoomuchtoask,”shesaysinaquietwhisper.
“Andtonight…youwanttopracticekissing?”
Herchestfillswithaheavybreathandshenods.“Ihaven’tdoneitinafewyears.Ineedtoshakeoutthecobwebs.SeeifI’manygoodatit.”
Thisnewsisastoundingtome.
EvenasI’mwrappingmyarmaroundherandsplayingmyhandagainstherlowerbacktopullherupclosetome,Iask,“Noonehaskissedyouinyears,Annie?Howisthatpossible?”I’vewantedtokisshereverysecondsinceImether.
Ifeelhertrembleagainstme.“Maybethere’ssomethingwrongwithme.Nooneevertries.Evenmycollegeboyfriendbrokeupwithmeafterthreeweekswithouteverreallytouchingme.IthinkmyreputationmakespeoplethinkIdon’tlikethisstuff.”
“There’snothingwrongwithyou.”Ipushbackthehairthat’sfallingaroundherfaceanddowhatI’vebeendyingtodofordays—sinkmyfingersintothemassofblondehairbehindherhead.Ibenddownandwhisperagainstthecornerofhermouth,“Nothing.”
“Imightbebadatthis,”shewarnswithhereyeswideopen,watchingmeasIteasethecornersofhermouth.
“I’mprepared.”AndthenjustasI’mabouttofinallyclosethegap,anideahitsmeandIpullaway.Shelooksdisappointed,likeshethinksI’mchangingmymind.Nodamnway.“Inlightofwhathappenedattherestaurant,Ithinkweshouldhaveaclearcueforwhenwe’reinpracticemode.Sothere’snoconfusion.”
Shelooksrelieved.“Goodidea.Like…timeinandtimeout?”
Ihum.“Perfect.”
Thetensionbetweenusiscrackling,andIcantellshewantsmetorushthisandkissheralready,butthetruthis,Ilovedrawingitout.Ilovetakingmytimeandtorturingusboth.AndifAnniehasn’tbeenkissedinyears,Iwanttomakethisonereallycount.
Isinkmyfacedowntoherthroatandlayonesoftkissatthebase.HerbreathcatchesandImovetokissunderherjaw,openingmymouthtofeelherwarmskinagainstmytongue.Sheshivers,andIsmile,movinguptokissthecornerofherjawandthenhermouth.Themomentherwarm,plushlipspressintomine,myworldtilts.AnyfinesseorcontrolIfeeldissolves,andsuddenlyIamathermercy.
Herbodyswaystowardmine,andeventhoughI’mnottakingitfurtherthanapressofourlips,itfeelsoutrageouslygood.Islidemyhandalittledeeperintothebackofherhairandforcemyselftokeepthislightdespiteafranticneedbuildingbelowthesurface.
Ionlyintendedforittobequick.Aluxuriouskissonthemouthtomakeherbodyheat.Butdamn.Herlipsrespondtomineassherisesuptowrapherhandsaroundmyneckandmybloodthrumsundermyskin.MyfingerscurlintoherhairandthebackofhersweatshirtuntilI’munconsciouslypullingherflushagainstme.She’ssodamnsoft,andas
Anniesighsamoanandpartsherlipsandthat’swhenIdropmyhandsunderherthighsandhoistherup.Shewrapsherlegsaroundmywaistandourkissquicklyturnsfromchastetodevouring.I’mcarryinghertothestorageroom,headswirlinglikeI’vehadfourshotsoftequilaandsavoringeverysigh,everyflickofhertongue,everyintentionalpressofhermouth.AndasIadjusttowalkthroughthedoorframe,myshoulderknocksagainstitandshocksmebacktoreality.WhatthehellamIdoing?Ican’ttakeAnnieinthere.Thiswasonlysupposedtobeakiss.Iwantsomuchmorethanakissfromher,though,andthat’swhyIbreakthekissandslowlylowerhertotheground.Shedoesn’tprotest,seemingtoagreewithmythoughts.
“Timeout,”Isay,whenIreleaseherandpaceawayafewsteps,rubbingthebackofmyneck,tryingtosettlemybodyandclearmyhead.
Getagrip,Will.Itwasjustakiss.Justpractice
“Wasthatokay?”Annieasks,self-consciously,andtheveryquestionisasabsurdtomeasthefactthatshefeelsanyreasontodoubtherskill.
Withmyhandstillhookedaroundmyneck,IlookoveratherknowingshecanplainlyseeonmyfacehowabsolutelywreckedIambythatkiss.Igiveheronescoffinglaugh.“Yeah.Itwasgreat.”
Annieturnsawayafractionandsmilestoherself,andthendoessomethingsoopen,sohonestittearsmycynical,terrifiedheartinhalf.Shereststhetipsofherfingersagainsthersmilingmouth.
Beforeshehastimetonotice,Ipulloutmyphoneandsnapapictureofherstandingthereinthewarmoverheadlightsofhershop.
“Outofcuriosity,”Iasklaterasshe’slockingupandI’mwalkinghertohertruck.“Whatisyourfavoriteflower?”
ShedropshergazetoherwhiteConversesandsmiles.“Magnolias.”CHAPTERSEVENTEENAnnie
Iparkmytruckrightnexttomysiblings’trucksinthetown’scommunalparkinglot.It’sarainbowofburntorange(Noah’srustyoldtruck),powder-blueandwhite(mine),redandblack(Emily’s),andolive-green(Madison’s).It’sanunwrittenruleinthistownthatifyoushareourzipcode,youmustdriveatruck.Doesn’tmatterifit’sneworanolddinosaur,you’vejustgottahaveone.
AsIwalktowardThePieShop,whereI’mmeetingmysiblingsforourweeklySaturdaynightheartstournament,everythingfeelssofamiliarandcomforting.Thehotsummernightlickingatmyskin,thedarkenedtownsquareemptyofbusybodies,andavoidingthesamelargesidewalkcrackthat’sbeenthereforadecade.
It’sallthesame,butsomehowI’mthepartthatfeelsalittledifferent.IfeelaghostofWill’skissesonmymouth,andthere’sapromise,ahum,aprickleofsomethingnewintheairaroundme.It’smakingtheworldseemsharper.Sortoflikethefirstdayofyoursenioryearofhighschool.Youcansensethechangearoundthecorner,butit’snotinyourgraspquiteyet.SomehowitmakesmeappreciatethewaveofcomfortIfeelwhilesteppingundertheblue-and-white-stripedawningofThePieShop.Howisitpossibletocravechangeandrelishfamiliarityatthesametime?
Mybrother,however,despiseschange.EverythingaboutThePieShop,whichheinheritedfrommygrandma,isexactlythesameasitalwayshasbeensincemygreat-grandparentsstarteditinthesixties.Whenyoustepinside,alittlebell,softerinsoundthantheoneatmyflowershop,jinglesabovethedoor.There’sahightoptableinfrontofthesinglelargefrontwindow,wherePhilandToddsiteveryMondaymorningateightthirtytoshareasliceoffudgepiebeforetheyopentheirhardwarestore.Anantiquepiecasedividesthefronthalfoftheshopfromtheback,andthere’sawoodencountertopconnectingthecasetothewall.Myfavoritepartisstillthesmallsectionofthecounterthatliftsupsoyoucanwalkthroughtotheback.Untiltheageofsixteen,Ineverliftedthecounter—Ialwayslimboedunderitwhilemygrandmawarnedmethatonedaymybackwasgoingtobreakdoingit.I’dgiveanythingtohearhersaythatnow(andtohavetheabilitytolimbolikeasixteen-year-old).
ThereareonlytwothingsIcanthinkofthatNoahhaschangedabouttheshopsincehetookitover.One,theregister,becauseeventhestarchiestofmodernizingresistersdoesn’twanttoperformmathonapieceofpaper.Two,headdedalargedecalofapieontheshopwindow.Andby“headded”it,ImeanthatheletmeplaceitonthewindowafterI’dhadtoomanybeersandonline-shoppedmydrunkenheartout.Butlisten,IgavetheEtsyshoptheirfirstsale,andI’llneverregretit.
Anyway,Noahdoesn’tlikechange.SothedayhetoldmehewashavingwifiinstalledinhishouseandatThePieShopsohecouldkeepintouchwithAmeliawhileshewasontour,Iknewhewasinlove.Andnowwhenyoulookathisquaintcountryhouse,youseeabigintimidatinggateatthefrontofthedrivewayandasignannouncingthesensorsallaroundthesevenacresofhispropertyline.Andthenthereistheguardshackthey’rebuilding,whichisworthmentioningbecauseit’sbiggerthanthepeanutshellmeandmysistersliveintogether.AllofthisisdirectevidencethatmybrotherhasabsolutelydevotedhislifetoAmeliaRose.Thosetwoareinittowinit,anditmakesmysquishy,romanticheartwildwiththedoubleJs.Joyandjealousy.
IopenthedoortoThePieShopandamimmediatelymetwithmybrother’svoice.“No,”hebarks,andatfirstIthinkhe’stalkingtomebeforeIseehisgreengazenarrowedonMadison.“Absolutelynot.”
“Oh,comeon!”shesays,nudginghiskneewithherfootunderthelittlefoldingcardtablewesetuponSaturdaynights.“Don’tbesuchapartypooper.”
“What’sgoingon?”Iask,joiningthematthetable.
Emilygrins.“MaddieistryingtogetNoahtohavethewholeweddingpartydoachoreographeddancedowntheaisle.”
“Notgonnahappen,”hesayssternly,crossinghisarms.
“IalreadytoldAmelia,andshesaidshewantedtodoit.”
Noahgrunts.“Overmydeadbody.NowayinhellamIgoingtoprancedowntheaisletosomepoppy-gumdropsong.Besides,Iknowyou’relying.Ameliawouldneversuggestitbecauseshe’dknowitwouldgivemeulcersjustthinkingaboutit.”
“Ha!Payup!”Emilyshouts,extendingherhandstoMaddie.EmgrinsatNoah.“Maddiebetmetwentybucksshecouldpersuadeyoutosayyestoadancemob.”ShecutshergazetoMaddie.“Andbytheway,fabricatingAmelia’ssupportwasdefinitelycheating.”
Ishouldhaveknown.Thosetwoarealwaysbettingoversomething.
Noahfoldshisarms.“I’mgettingmarried—notgivingupmydignity.”
“What’sAmeliadoingtonight?”Iask,takingtheseatnexttoNoahandhopinghedoesn’treadtheunderlyingcontextofmyquestion:IssheoutsomewherethatrequireshertotakeWill?
“She’sinthestudioworkingonheralbum.”
DespiteourbestattemptstoconvinceAmeliathatshe’swelcometojoinoursiblingheartsnight,shehasrefusedtocome.Shewantsustohaveourtimetogether—justthefourofus.Thewomanistoothoughtfulforherowngood.
“Great.Andhowarethingsgoingwithweddingprep?”Iask,raisingmybeertomylips.
“Fine.Theweddingplannerseemstohaveeverythingcovered.AmeliaandIhavebeenstayingoutofitasmuchaspossible.”
Inodslowly.“Great!Good.That’sgood.And…everythingelse?Nosecurityissues?”
Noahshakeshisheadandbeginsdealingourhands.“Nope.Everything’sgood.”
“That’sgood….”Ipause,tellingmyselfnottosayitbutlosingmyowninternalbattle.“Soherbodyguard…what’shisnameagain?Icanneverremember.He’sgoodtoo?Settlinginokay?”It’sbeenafewdayssinceourkissintheflowershop,andasoddasitistoadmit,Imisshim.He’sbeenbusywithAmeliaandthenI’vebeenbusyintheeveningsworkingonarrangementsfortheweddingandtryingtogetthedesignjustright.HeleftanotetapedtomyshopdoorthatIfoundthismorning,though.Itsaid,“Let’spracticesomethingfuntonight.”
Notimeorplacetomeet.Justthosefewwords.I’vebeenlefttinglingwithanticipationallday.
Unfortunately,everyonenoticesmypointedquestionandeyesmespeculatively.Theylooklikeasiblinggang—allsettingdowntheirbeersandabouttocracktheirknucklesbeforetheyshakemeforinformation.
“Okay,whatthehell,Annie?”asksNoah.
IsighwithreliefbecauseNoahjustunknowinglysavedtheday.
“Oooh!”Maddieproclaimsloudly,pointingafingeratNoah.“That’snumbertwentyforhim!Payup,bucko.”
“No.Thatwasonlynineteen.IhaveonemoreuntilIhavetopay.”(Noahsaysthiseverymonthafterhe’sthefirstonetoburnthroughhisallottedtwentyswearwords.)
“Let’stakeittothenotebook.Annie?”Emilyprompts,sittingforwardandrestingherforearmsonthetablelikeshe’sabouttobewitnesstoanincredibleshow.
Eventhoughthisnotebookhasbeguntowearonme,Ireachinmypurseandpullitout,gratefulforthechangeofsubject.Ithumbthroughthepagesandlandonthismonth’stallychart.EveryoneholdstheirbreathwhileIaddthemup.Makingsurenottotipthemoff,Ikeepmyfacesolemnandclearmythroatbeforesnappingthenotebookshutandsettingitonthetable.They’redyingofanticipation,eachtiltedforwardandeagertohearNoah’ssentence.Itkindofmakesmewanttodragitout.Reallymakethemacheforit.
ButwhenIfinallyopenmymouthtorevealtheanswer,ashadowofsomeonewalkingacrossthestreetcatchesmyeye.Aman.Tall,leanbuild,tattoosdownonearm.
Myhearthiccups.
Hepausesacrossthestreet,makeseyecontactwithmethroughtheshopwindow,andthenhitcheshishead.It’stime!
“I’msuddenlynotfeelingwell,”Isay,jumpingupfrommychairandclutchingmystomach.
“Ohno,”Emilysays,eyessearchingmeheadtotoeforanyunseenailment.“Doyouthinkyou’resick?”
“I’mafraidso.IfeellikeI’mgoingtobarf.”Igathermypurseandwalktowardthedoor.
Emilystandstoo.“Here,I’llcomehomewithyou.”
“No!”Isay,whirlingaround.“No,youshouldstayhere.I’mfine.It’sprobablyjustmyperiodabouttostartorsomething.I’llcallyouifIneedyou.”
IcanpracticallyseeherAntennaofSuspicionrisingfromthetopofherhead.AtalltimesEmilyisscanningforpotentialdangerthatcouldbefallussiblings.Andifthat’sthecase,IimagineherwarningsystemisbeepingoffthechartswithWillGriffincloseby.Iforcemysmilenottobetoobig.
“IpromiseI’llbeokay,Em,”Isay,andMadisoncomestomyaidbytellingEmilytositdownsotheycanstarttheirgamebeforemidnight.
AndthenIleaveThePieShop.
—
It’scompletelydarkoutsideexceptforthelightofthemoonandafew(butnotenough)streetlamps.Imentionitbecauseit’sabigthing.Atthelasttownmeeting,itwasputtoavotetoinstallmorestreetlightsoraddaspeedbumponeithersideofthetownsquareand,ofcourse,aspeedbumpwoneventhoughnooneinthetownwantedit.It’snosurprisethatHarrietwasinchargeofcountingthevotes,andtheimplicationofhertamperingisheavy
I’venevercontributedtotherumorsthatcircledaroundHarriet’smanipulationbecauseIdon’tliketoseeanyoneslanderedbehindtheirbacks.Butnow,asI’msearchingforWillinthedarkandcan’tseehimwithoutthehelpofanextrastreetlamp,I’mreadytospray-paintItWasHarriet!inboldredlettersacrossthewindowsofthemarket.
“Will?”Iwhisperintothestalenightairwhilelookingallaround.“Williamson!”Idon’tseehimanywhere.SurelyIdidn’tjustimaginehim.Ohgosh,ifIonlyimaginedhimoutofmydesperationtoseehim,Iwillhavereachedawholeotherlevelofinfatuation.Becauseyeah,Icanatleastnowadmitthatit’smorethanacrushonWill.
Ilikehim.
Alot.
IkeeptryingtotellmyselfthatIdon’t,butthemoretimesIsayIdon’t,thebrighterhiseyeslookinmymemory.ThemoreIpicturehisfacewhilereadingmysteamybooks,themoreIdreamofhimholdingmeatnight.Actually,afterourkisstheothernight,Idreamofalotmorethanhimsimplyholdingme.
“Will!Whereare—”
Ahandshootsoutfromanarrowalleyandtugsmein.Iknowit’sWillbeforeIevenseehimbecausemyskinhasmemorizedthefeelofhis.Thesubtlecallusesatthetopofhispalmsandthewayhishandswallowsmine.Andthenthere’shissmell.It’ssodistinctlyhim,likehedidhislaundryintheocean.Someonecouldblindfoldmeandspinmearoundandsetmelooseinaroomfullofpeople,andI’dstillbeabletofindhim.
Ilandinthealley,chesttochestwithhim.Icanseehissmileeveninthedark.
“Hello,AnnieWalker,”hesaysanduseshishandtobrushmyhairbackfrommyface.Ahotthrillspinslikeatornadoinmystomach.It’ssogoodtobenearhimagain.Iwanttowrapmyarmsaroundhismiddle.Iwanttopressmyfaceintohisneck.Iwanttoclampmylegsaroundhimandnotletgo.
Instead,Istandhereandlookupathim.“Hello,WillGriffin.”
“Haveyouhadagoodday?”heasks,andtheattentivequestionshocksme.
“Ihave.IthinkIfinallyfiguredoutwhatwasmissingwithAmelia’sbridalbouquets.”
Heliftsabrowashisfingersbrushalongmyjaw.“And?”
“Itneededapopofpink.”
“Pinkisalwaystheanswer,”hesayswithagrittinesstohisvoicethatmakesmewanttolickitfromhislips.Whatintheworldishappeningtome?Whoisthiswomanwho’ssofullofdesireandexcitement?Theastoundingthingis,IthinkWillwouldletmeifIaskedhim.He’dlowerhismouthformetogetabetteranglebecauseitwouldn’tmeananythingtohim.Thismayallbenewandexcitingforme,butforhim,kissingawomaninanalleywouldprobablybenormalforaSaturdaynight.AndI’ddowelltorememberthat.
“Whatarewedoingtonight?”
Hegrinsmischievouslyandhisblue-grayeyesshine.“Somethingyou’vealwayswantedtodobuthavebeentooscaredto.”
Mystomachtenses.“Youdon’tmean…”
“You’refinallygettingyourtattootonight.”
“What?!”Isay,instinctivelytakingastepawayfromhim.“No.Ican’tdothat.”
“Youcan.”Hereachesoutandtakesmyhand,lacingourfingerstogether,andmybodyimmediatelysoftens.“Ialreadymadeyouanappointmentwithanartistrightoutsideoftownwhoseemedreallygood.AndI’llbewithyouthewholetime.Trustyourself.Yousaidyouwantedflowers—let’sgetyourdamnflowers,Annie.”Heliftsmyhandinhisandpullsmywristtohismouth,whereheleavesatenderkissonthevulnerableskinbelowmypalm.Hiseasyaffectionstunsmeasmuchasitdelightsme.“Youcandothis.Ifyouwantto…”
Idowantto.Ireallydo.
Normally,Iwouldneedtimetothinkaboutit.Weightheprosandconsandgetmysiblings’inputfirstandtheneventuallygettalkedoutofit,completely.ButI’mnowcommittedtothisexperimentoftryingtofindmyselfbyfollowingmyimpulses.PlusI’mstillactivelylookingforahusbandandpracticingmydatingskillsjustincasethat’sthethingIreallyneedtoo.Theanswerhastolivedownoneofthosepaths,sowhynottrythemboth,right?
Ibreatheinandsmile.“Let’sgo.”
Itrytowalkaway,buthetugsmebackwithachuckle.“Wedon’thavetogonow.Ididn’tmeantotakeyoufromyourtimewithyoursiblings.Gofinishwhatyouweredoingandwecangoafter.”
“They’llbeokaywithoutmeforoneheartstournament.Iwanttobespontaneouswithyoutonight.”CHAPTEREIGHTEENWill
IexpectAnnietohesitateoutsidethetattooparlor.Itdoesn’tlooklikethefriendliestplace,buttheoptionswereslimwithinafifty-mileradiusofRome.Luckily,thehighestratedparloraccordingtoGooglewasthisone,onlytwentyminutesaway.
Annieletmedrivehertruck—andIenjoyeditmorethanIthoughtIwould.Igetnowwhypeopleareaddictedtothesegasguzzlers.There’ssomethingaboutthefeelofanoldleatherFordsteeringwheelwithridgesallaroundthat’swaymoresatisfyingthananewsmoothone.Evenbetterifitcomeswithabeautifulblondewomanhangingherarmoutthewindowandlettingherhairflyallaroundherfaceasyoudrive.
It’snotsafe,andIdon’tcondoneit,butItookapicturewhenshewasn’tlooking.
Whenwepulleduptotheparlor,IputthetruckinparkandlookedoveratAnnie,expectingtoseesometrepidationinherexpression.Icouldn’thavebeenmorewrong.Shejumpedoutbeforemyeyesevenhadtimetolandonher.
“Comeon,”shesays,excitedlywavingmeforward.“Whyareyoumovingsoslow?”
Iclosethetruckdoorandmeetheronthesidewalk.“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”Iask,lookinginthelit-upparlorandfeelingapangofremorseforinstigatingthis.Notevensurewhy.It’sjustthatthethoughtofAnnieinallhersoftnessgoingintothatplaceandbeinginkedforeverhasmesuddenlyfeelinglikeanoverprotectivemother.Whatthehell?I’veneverbeenonetooverthinkanychoicesinmylife.IjoinedthemilitarywhenIwenttothegrocerystoreformilkandtherecruitingtentwasparkedoutfront,forGod’ssake.
Andyet…somethingaboutbeingwithAnniemakesmewanttobecautiousforonce.Ihavethedistinctfeelingofholdingsomethingpreciousandnotwantingtoletitdrop.Ifeelprotective.Possessiveeven.
Annielaughsandeyesmespeculatively.“Yes!I’msosure.Let’sgo.”
Inanironicturnofevents,Anniegrabsmyhandandtugsmealongbehindher.Wegointotheparlor,anditsmellsold.Nothingliketheupdated,trendy,andcleanplaceswhereI’vegottenmytattoos.Thisisabackwoodscountryparlorthroughandthrough,andwhoknowswhatsortofdiseaseshecouldgetfromjustsittinginoneoftheirchairs?Aretheirneedlessterilized?Howlonghasthisartistbeeninbusiness?
Ican’tletAnniedothis.
“Hey—onsecondthought,whydon’twewaitandgosomewhereinthecity?”
Sheonlyhasasecondtofrownatmebeforeaburlymanwithabikerbeardcomesaroundthecorner.“Youawalk-in?”
“Yes,sir!”Shechirpshappily,andIinstantlyclenchmyhandtighteraroundhers.She’sabouttomarkherbodyforever.Becauseofme.ByamanIabsolutelydon’twantanywherenearsaidbody.Lookatthesizeofthepawsonhim.
I’veneverfelttheweightofbeingabadinfluencebefore.Normally,Ithriveonit,actually.ButnotwhenI’mlookingatAnnie’sperfectblankcanvasofsoftskinandimaginingherstuckwithatattooshemighthatefortherestofherlife.AllbecauseImadeithappen.
“Followme,”themansays,andthere’szerotendernessinhisvoice.Hedoesn’tcarethatthewomaninfrontofhimissunshineintheflesh.Helookslikehe’sgoingtomakeithurttwiceasmuchsimplybecauseshesmiledathim.Whyisn’tAnniescared?I’mscared,andI’vesatthroughmorethantwentyhoursoftattooing.Ican’tletherbeinpaintonight.
AnniestartsafterhimandItugherback.Shewhirlsaroundandnearlybumpsintomychest,hersoftsmellfloodingmysensesandillustratingherperfectcontrasttothisdisgustingplace.“What’swrong?”
“Thisisamistake.”
“What?”sheaskswithalaugh.“No,it’snot.Itwasthebestidea.I’msogladyouthoughtofit.”
Iwince.“Exactly.Ithoughtofit.Atattooshouldbeyouridea.NotsomethingIpushyoutodo.”
“Butyou’renotpushingme.”Shelooksdownatwheremyhandistightlyholdinghers.“Currentlyyou’reactuallyholdingmeback.”
“Let’sjustgo,”Isay,slicingmygazeoverhershouldertotheburlymanpullingoutacigaretteandlightingit.“Youdon’twantatattoofromhim.Comeon,I’lldriveyouintoNashvilleonadifferentdayandtakeyoutomytattooguy.Wecanmakeaweekendofit.”IsounddesperateandIdon’tknowwhy.
Annie’sfacetiltsuptomine.DeterminationandawarningflashthroughhereyesinawayIhaveyettoseefromher.Itmakesthehairsstanduponmyarmsandmyheartrace.Andmykneesgoalittleweak.
Shepokesmeinthechest.“Don’tyoudare,Will.”
Ifrown.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Iseewhat’shappeningrightnow.You’retreatingmelikeeveryoneelse.LikeI’mtoosensitiveandsweetforthis.AndI’mwarningyou…don’t.Icanhandleitfromeveryoneelse—butnotyou.Neveryou.”
Andjustlikethat,myapprehensionmelts.She’sright.Andhearingthatmyopinionmeansmoretoherthananyoneelse’s…damn,givemethetattoogunandI’lldoitmyself.I’llsingle-handedlymakesureallherdreamscometruethisverynight.Shewantstotravel?Let’sgo.ShewantstohikeMountEverest?I’llgetthegear.
IpushAnnie’shairbehindherear.“Gogetyourtattoo,Annie.”
“Thankyou,”shesays,lookingsoproudofherselfshe’spracticallyglowing.“Andactually,IthinkIwantyoutostayouthere.”
Apprehensionreturns.
“No.I’mcomingbacktherewithyou.”
Sheraisesonesaucybrowthatsendsheatspiralingthroughmyveins.“Letmerephrase.I’mgoingbacktherebymyself—andI’mgoingtosurpriseyouwithwhatIget.Endofstory,WillGriffin.”
IclenchmyfistatmysidebutnotbecauseI’mangry.BecauseIhavetophysicallyrestrainmyselffromtakingthathand,cuppingherjaw,andtakinghermouthinafrenziedkiss.I’veneverfeltanurgesostrong.Anattractionsointense.
EverydayAnnierevealsanewlayertoherself—anddammitifIdon’tlikeeachonemore.
IhavenochoicebuttostandbackandsmileasIwatchAnnie’sperfectassstrollawayfromme.
—
ThirtyminuteslaterIhearfootsteps.IlookupinjustenoughtimetoseeAnnieblazepastme—powerwalkingoutthefrontdoor.“Let’sgo,”shesaysquickly.“Ipaidintheback.”
Whatintheworld?
Ifollowherout,quickeningmystridestocatchher.“Annie!Holdup.Whathappened?”
Shedoesn’tanswer.Shethrustsopenhertruckdoorandjumpsinside,slammingthedoorbehindher.
Ipracticallyruntothedriver’ssideandhopinside.Worst-casescenariosareflyingthroughmyhead.AndthenwhenItwisttofullylookather,andItakeinhercrumpledexpression,furyandrageovertakeme.
“Whatdidthatassholedotoyou?Didhehurtyou?Washeinappropriate?I’mgoingtokillhim!”Isay,puttingmyhandonthedoorlatchandpreparingtoopenit.AnnietugsthebackofmyshirtbeforeIcan.
“Stop.Gradydidn’tdoanythingwrong.Hewassonice,andI’mgoingtoprovideflowersforhissix-year-olddaughter’sprincessbirthdaypartynextmonth.”
IrelaxonlyintheslightestmeasurebecausenowAnniehasatearstreakingdownhercheek,andI’minadvertentlythecauseofit.Ipushedhertodothistonight.I’mtheasshole.
“Thenwhydidyoustormoutofthere?”
Forthefirsttime,hermistyblueeyessliptomeandshesmilessadly.“IneededtogettothetrucksoIcouldcry.”
“Becauseyouhatethetattoo?”
Hersmilewidens,bigtearspoolinginhereyes.“No.BecauseIloveitsomuch—andI’msoproudofmyselfforgettingit.Thankyouformakingthishappen,Will.”
Iexpelabreathasthetensioninmyshouldersreleases.Sothiswasn’tabadthingforAnnieafterall?Infact,itwasgood.Iwanttodivefurtherintothatlogicbutdecideit’snotsafe.ImightcometoconclusionsintheendthatIshouldn’t.
IputmyhandagainstAnnie’sjawandchuckle,wipingthetearfromhercheek.“Iwouldhavecommittedmurderforyoujustnow.”
“Idoappreciateit,”shesayswithalaughtoo.
We’rebothlaughingandshe’scryingandI’veneverexperiencedthiskindofemotionwithanyoneelse.It’ssofragileandvulnerable.IfeelguiltythatI’mtheonewhogetstoexperienceitwithher.AndyetI’mgreedyforitatthesametime.
“CanIseeitnow?”Iask,droppingmygazetoherwrist.Butthere’snothingthere.
Shenodsandadjustsalittleawayformeinherseat,gatheringallofherlonghairandtuggingitoveroneshoulder.Andthenmybreathcatchesasshetugstheneckofhershirtdown,revealingherbeautifulbareshoulder.
Well…herbareshoulderinkedwiththecutestsmalltattooI’veeverseen.
“Igotabook,”shesays,soundinglikeshejustwonamilliondollars.“Iwasgoingtogettheflowerswetalkedabout,butthenIrealizedflowerswerealwaysmymom’sdream—notespeciallymineeventhoughfollowingithasworkedoutnicelyforme.”ShepausesandIadmirethefinelinesofabook,lyingopenwithitspagesflutteringlikethewindcaughtthem.“Iwantedsomethingspecialtome.Justme.”
IsmileatthesightofAnniepoisedwithhershoulderpresentedtome—theprofilesilhouettedbythestreetlampoutsidethetruck.Andhersoftmouthcurledupinagentlesmile.I’llneverforgetthismoment.AndbeforeIcanstopmyself,Itipforwardandkisstheskinjustbesidehertattoo.Anniesucksinabreath,andImemorizethefeelofherskinagainstmylips,assmoothandblazingasashotofexpensivewhiskey.Iwanttokisseverysquareinchofher.Iwanttolickthebaseofhershoulder.IwanttokissmywayupthesideofherthroatallthewayuntilIfindhermouth,andthereI’lllinger,caressingsothoroughlythatourlipsstingafterward.
IfIhaditmyway,I’dpullthiswarm,sweet,tenderheartedwomanoverontomylapandshowherjusthowinaweofherIam.Iwouldworshipherbody.
Instead,Ipullawayandgentlypullhershirtbackupoverhershoulder.“It’sperfect,Annie.”CHAPTERNINETEENWill
I’matthefarmersmarkettodayandI’mnothappyaboutitfortworeasons.First,therearesomanypeople.Thesesortsofplaces—open-airvenueswithendlessnumbersofentrancesandexits—aremynightmare.Ticketsaren’trequired,soIhavenowayofcheckingeveryoneinattendancetomakesurenoneofAmelia’sstalkerswillbehere.ButIhavetheirfacesmemorizedandsurveyeverywherewegoforanysignsofthem.She’swearingahatandsunglasses,asisNoah,butobsessivefanswillstillknowit’sher.Infact,there’samanwithabackpackeightfeettoherright.He’snoticedherthreetimesnow.Evenifnooneisheretodoherharm,thesesortsofcrowdedlocationscanturnintoafanmobinasecondifwe’renotcareful.
Idon’tliketheguywiththebackpack
ThesecondreasonIdon’twanttobehereisbecauseAnnieisworkingaboothforherflowershop.It’sthewholereasonAmeliawantedtocomeoutandsupporther,andthatwomanisthedistractionIdon’tneedtoday.AndImeanthatinthecurrentliteralsense,andthemetaphoricallong-termsense.
I’musingallofmywillpowertofocusonmyjobrightnow,andit’storture.JustlikeeverysecondwhenAnnieisanywherenearmelately.I’veonlyseenheroncesinceshegothertattoo.AmeliaandIwereintown,andwhileshewasvisitingwithNoahatThePieShop,IdippedintotheflowershopnextdoortoseeAnnie.Hereyeslitupwhensherealizeditwasme,andnowI’mafraidI’llreplaythatimageonaloopfortherestofmylife.
I’mtryingtoputherinthesamecategoryasalltheotherwomenwhohavemovedlikewaterthroughmylife.Butit’snotworking.She’squicklybecomingspecialtome—likesomethingrareandpreciousyouwanttoputinasafeplacesoyouneverloseit.
That’swhyIcan’tlookathertoday.Myeyesneedtostayfocusedandalerttomysurroundings.
AndthenAnniecacklesfromherbooth,andlikeadamnsirencallinthenight,Iturnrighttoher.Mygazelingers,andIdon’tunderstandhowjustthesightofsomeonecanfeelsogood.God,she’sbeautiful.Nooverallstoday—whichisoddlydisappointing—butinsteadshe’swearingapairofdistressedjeansandawhiteT-shirtwithhershoplogoonit.Herhairispulledupinaponytail,andafewlittlestrandshavefallenoutandclingtoherneckbecauseofhowhumiditisouthere.
Shelookssodamngood.
Andsoundsgood.
Andforthefirsttimeinalongtime,IwishIweren’tstuckheredoingmyjob.Iwanttobeovertherewithher.Iwanttoknowhowherdayhasgoneandifshe’shavingfun.Howhertattooishealingandifsherememberedtoputlotiononittoday.Iwanttotouchmylipstoherglimmeringneckandtastethesweatfromherskin.ButIcan’t—notonlybecausethat’snotthekindofrelationshipwehavebutbecauseI’mondutyrightnow.
ButbeforeIlookawayandmentallycommittonotlookingatheragaintherestoftheafternoon,Itakeoutmyphoneandsnapapictureofherlaughingbehindherbooth.I’mcollectingallthesephotosandwillsendthemtoherwhenIleavetownbecausethewomandeservestohaveprettypicturesofherself.I’lldeletethemfrommyphoneonceIsendthemtoher.Iwill.Ireallywill.TherewouldbenoreasonformetokeepthemafterIleavebecauseI’llmoveonandgetbacktolifeasnormal.Iwon’tletmyselfmissAnnie.Iwon’t.
IpocketmyphoneandturntowatchAmelia,and…
Shit.
Ilostsightofher.ShewasstandingwithNoahoverbytheproduceboothandnowshe’sgone,andNoahisoverwithAnnie.Where’sbackpackguy?He’sgonetoo.Adrenalinekicksthroughmeasmyeyesscanthecrowdfrombehindmysunglasses.IkeepmyfaceneutralandtrytoprojectarelaxeddemeanoreventhoughinsideI’mrunningincirclesandthinkingupworst-casescenarios.ButthelastthingIneedisforanyonewatchingustoknowI’velosttrackofher.
I’msuddenlythumpedontheback.IspinaroundandfindAmelia.I’mtornbetweensighingwithreliefandchewingheroutforslippingoutofsight.
“Whyareyoustandingsofarawayfromustoday?”sheaskswithherhandsonherhips.
Isteadymybreathingandglancearoundagain.Alwayswatchingtheperimeters.Imessedupjustnowlosingmyheadforasecond,andIwon’tletthathappenagain.“CouldyoupleasestaywhereIcanseeyouatalltimes?”
Amelia’seyebrowsflyupwhenshedetectsmycurttone.“Sure.Butyouknow?Itwouldbealoteasiertokeeptrackofmeifyou’djustcomehangoutwithus.”
Irefrainfromgrindingmyteethtogether.“Ican’teffectivelydomyjobthatway.”
“Whyareyoutalkingtomelikearobot?”
“Because,”Isaylookingaroundtheareaagain.“I’monthejob.Youshouldn’tevenbetalkingtomenow.You’regoingtodrawattention.”Ihavetwomodes.Playfulandserious.AnddespitethefactthatIlovetosocialize,lovetoflirt,andwouldabsolutelyenjoyeverysecondofhangingoutatAnnie’sboothwitheveryone,I’mworkingandthereforefullycommittedtoserious.
“We’reinRome,Kentucky,Will.Thereispracticallyzerothreat.”
“Practicallybeingthekeywordthere.Yourmanagementwouldn’thavehiredmeiftheythoughtthethreatwaszero.”
Ameliasighs.“Justcomehangoutforaminutewithus.Ifeelweirdhavingyoustandsofarawaywhenwe’realloverthere.”
“Whythehellwouldyoufeelweird?It’showwe’vealwaysoperatedinplaceslikethis.”
“Yeah,but…thingsaredifferentnow.”
Ah—nowIsee.
IlooksharplydownatAmeliaandthenaway.“I’mworriedaboutyou,Amelia.YouseemtobeundertheillusionthatI’msuddenlyadifferentpersonsincecomingtoRome.ButIamstillverymuchme—anEPAdoinghisjobuntilhegetsreleasedandsenttoanewone.Sopleasegobackoverthereandhangoutwithyourfiancéanddon’tslinkoffagain.”
“You’recrabbytoday.”
Yeah,I’mcrabbytoday.I’mcrabbybecauseIjustmesseduponthejobforthefirsttimein…ever.Andalthoughnothingcameofit—I’mwellawareofeverythingthatcouldhavehappened.Theworstpartis,I’mtryingashardasIcantotakethisangerandprojectitontoAnnieinawaythatwillmakemerepulsedbytheideaofherandwanttopullaway.ButIcan’t.Instead,I’mjustgrumpierbecauseIhavetofocusevenhardernowandnotgooverthereandspinheraroundandkissherwatermelon-pinkmouth.
Alargepartofmeworriesit’llbelikethisfromnowon.WillIleaveRomeandmyattentionwillbetornbetweenwhereIamandwonderingwhatthehellAnnie’sdoing?Thiswasn’tsupposedtohappen.I’mnotsupposedtofeelthings.Ineverhavebefore.
Unhelpfully,mybrother’swordsflythroughmyhead:“I’mhelplesstodoanythingelse.”Isthiswhathewastalkingabout?Thisintensemagnetismmybodyhasforhers?Surelyit’sjustdesire,andifweweretofinallyhavesexitwouldgoaway.Right?
Butwhatifit’snot?AndwhatifIchewedmybrotheroutfortheverythingI’mstartingtofeelaboutAnnie?
“Plusthisisprobablytheonlytimeyou’llgettoseeAnnieforafewdays,”Ameliaaddslikeshe’sremovinganacefromhersleeveandtossingitonthetable.ShehasasmugexpressionwhenIlookdownather.
“Why?”
“We’regoingtoL.A.tomorrowforthreedaysbecauseI’vebeenbookedforafewtelevisioninterviews.Iwasgoingtotellyouonthewayback,butIfiguredIshouldtellyounowbecause—”
We’reinterruptedbynoneotherthantheapproachofbackpackguy.IimmediatelysteparoundAmelia,interceptinghisapproach.“CanIhelpyou?”
Hehasnervouseyes,dartingbackandforthbetweenAmeliabehindmeandmyreflectiveglasses.Isetmyjawandsquaremyshoulders,readinghisbodylanguage,andmentallymappingeightdifferentwaysIcantakehimdownifnecessary.“S-sorrytobotheryou,butIwaswonderingifIcouldgetapicture—”
“She’snotavailableforphotostoday,”Isay,cuttinghimoffwithfinality.
Hesmilesshyly.“No…sorry.Ididn’tmeanwithher.Imeantwithyou.IsawtheBuzzFeedarticle,andI’mahugefanof…well,yourface.”Heblushes.
BehindmeIhearAmeliastiflealaugh.
Well,thisisunexpected.
“Thankyou,I’mflattered,butIhavetodecline.Haveaniceday.”
“Iunderstand.”Heturnstowalkawayandthenwhirlsaroundbriefly.“CanIjusttakeacandidonefromadistance?”
Ameliapeeksaroundme.“Yes,butpleaseonlyphotographhimfromtheleftbecausethat’shisgoodside.Gottahavethetattoosinthepicture.”
IturnaslowglaredownatAmelia.Shelaughs.Dudetakesthismomenttosnapapictureandthenscurriesoff.
“IfIweren’ttaskedtoprotectyourightnow…”
Ameliagivesmeasmilethat’stheequivalentofthelittleyellowsmileyemojibaringallitsteeth.“Nowthatthemajorthreatisneutralized,itlookslikeyoucansayhitoAnnie.”
Iinhaleinalongslowbreaththroughmynoseandturnmybodytowardthecrowdagain.“Yougottaknockitoffwiththematchmaking,Amelia.You’rejustgoingtobedisappointed.Andbesides,”Isay,scanningfromthewesttosouthentrances,“threedaysisnothing.Definitelynotenoughtomakemecompromiseyoursafetybyneedingtotalktoherbeforewego.”
ButitisenoughtohavemesneakingoutofMabel’sInnafterdarkthatnightanddrivingtoAnnie’shouse—leavingmytruckonasideroadandthencuttingacrosslawnstogettoherwindow.CHAPTERTWENTYAnnie
Alighttapsoundsagainstmywindow.AtfirstIthinkit’sabugtryingtogetin,butthenithappensagainandagain,growingalittleloudereachtime.Igotothewindowandpeekthroughthecurtains,andthensmotherascreamwithmyhand.There’samanoutsidemywindow.ButthenIregistertheblue-grayeyesandthedarkbrowsandthetattooedhandasheraisesafingertohislips.It’sWilliamGriffin.
Whyisheoutsidemywindowatteno’clockatnight?Evenworse,I’mallsnuginmybanana-printpajamas.Hecan’tseemelikethis.Itdoesn’tseemlikeIhaveachoice,though.
QuietlyIunlatchthewindowandraiseit.Thesoundofcrickets,thefeelofthehumidsummernight,andthedangeroussmileaimedatmeallcombinetomakesurethisbecomesthestrongestcorememoryofmylife.
“Hi,”Willsaysinlittlemorethanawhisper.“CanIcomein?”Heasksthislikehe’sstandingatmyfrontdoor—perfectlynormal.Allowmetotakeyourhatandcoat,sir.
“Um,yeah,ofcourse,comeonin.”Istepbackandwatchinaweasheeasilydropsalegoverthewindowsill,foldshistallframe,andduckshisheadunderthewindow.Hemaneuverstherestofhisbodythroughuntilhe’shere,standinginmyroomwithme.
“IrememberthatbeingeasierwhenIwassixteen.”
Myeyeswiden.“Yousnuckthroughwindowswhenyouweresixteen?”
“Youdidn’t?”AndthenhiseyesdroptomyPJsandhisgrinwidens,confirmingtheanswertothatquestionforhim.“Youhavebananasalloveryourpajamas.”
Iclearmythroatlightlyandregretallofmylifechoices.“Uh,yeah.Well,Iwasn’texpectingcompany,soIgotreadyforbedasusual.”
Asmallsmiletoucheshismouth,andthenmybreathcatcheswhenhereachesoutandpinchesthehemofmysleevebetweenthefingersofhisbutterflyhand.“Yourusualbeingbanana-printedsleepwear?”Hedoesn’tsayitinameanway.Moreasacuriositythananything.
“MyfullnameisAnnabell.SomysiblingscallmeAnna-banana.Ihaveanentiredrawerfullofbanana-themedPJs.”Andunderwear.“It’sbasicallytheonlykindofsleepwearIown.Isthatpathetic?ShouldIburnthemall?”
I’vealwayslovedmybananaPJs.IgenerallylikewhoIamasawhole,butstandinghereinfrontofDarkandMysteriousMr.Tattoohasmefeelingtheneedtodefendmyself.Toquestionwhetherthisisastrangewaytoliveasanadultwomanornot.
Willislookingdownatmeasifstuckinadazeasherubshisthumbbackandforthdelicatelyoverthefabricofmysleeve.Everysooftenhisthumbbrushesmywrist,andIfeellikethephysicalmanifestationofstaticelectricity.
“Anna-banana,”saysWillquietly.Hecouldn’thelptryingoutmynicknameatleastonce.Hiseyespopuptome,andIseesomethingcompellinglyhonestinthem.“Promiseme,nomatterwhatyoudecidetochangeaboutyourself,thiswillnotbeoneofthem.”
IletoutasighofreliefandthenlaughbeforeIrealizehissolemnexpression.He’sdeadserious.Notlaughingintheleast.HewantsmetopromiseI’llneverstopwearingthesebananas.Willacontractbedrawnupnext?
“Okay,I’llkeepthem.”Oddly,somethinginmerelaxesandsettlesinawayInormallycan’taroundotherpeople.AndthenIask,“Whatareyoudoinghere?And…howdidyouknowthiswasmyroom?”
Willreleasesthehemofmyshirtandstepsback.“Ididn’t,”hesayswithacrookedgrin.“Everyotherroominthehousewasdark,though,soIthoughtI’dtrymyluckwiththisonefirst.Itwasagamble.”
“WhatwouldyouhavedoneifthiswasEmilyorMaddie’sroom?”
Heshrugs.“Pretendedtobedrunkandlost.”
Ilaugh.“Youreallygavethissomethought.”
“Alwaysbeprepared—that’smymotto.”
“AndbyyoursyoumeantheBoyScoutmotto.”
“IsthatwhereI’veheardit?”Hemakesaskepticalthinkingnoisebeforeturningawaytomakehimselfathomeinmyroom.He’snotshyaboutit,strollingaroundlikeheownstheplace.Maybethisisthebodyguardsideofhimthat’susedtosweepinglocationsandinspectingeveryinchbeforelettingAmeliaenter.Oddly,there’ssomethingsortoffunaboutwatchinghimashelazilyperuseseverythinginsidethesefourwalls.
“Yourroomispretty,”hesayssoftly.Mykneesgoweakbecausethewordprettycomingoutofhismouthfeelslikethemostenticingjuxtaposition.It’sachinglytenderandinnocent—whichforcefullycombatshisworldlyanddangerousappearance.
Chillsdancedownmyarms,andIblameitonthenight.Thedarknessandthequietarewhat’sresponsiblefortheintimacyrightnow.ForthechargeintheairandthewayIcan’tseemtogetafullbreath.Fortheheatswirlinglowinmystomachthatabsolutelyhasnobusinessbeinghere.It’snotWillmakinganyofthishappen,it’sjustscience.Orbiology.Or…physics.BasicallyanyothersubjectbesidesWill!
I’mmesmerizedwatchinghimsmellthebouquetofflowersonmysidetable,runhisfingersovertheplushblanketontheendofmybed,pickupthetrinketsonmydressertoexaminethemcloselybeforesettingthembackdowngently.He’ssotactile.Iimaginehetouchesandfeelshiswaythroughlife,whereasIusuallykeepmyhandsrightwheretheyarenow—safelytuckedbehindme,aloneinthecorneroftheroom.
ButthenWillpicksuptheframedphotoonmydresser—thelastpictureevertakenofmyentirefamilybeforemyparentsdied—andmyfeetmoveinhisdirection.HestaresdownatitandIknowwhathe’sseeing:threehappykidslinedupinfrontoftwobeamingparents;andme,onlythreeyearsold,onmymom’shipandsmilingupatherinsteadofthecamera.
“That’sthelastphotothatwastaken.”
Willlooksdownatmeoverhisshoulderandhisgazeholdsmine.“I’msorry,Annie.”
Ishrug.“Itwasalongtimeago.”
“ButI’msureitstillhurts.”
Ibreathein—tryingtopushawaythesuddenrushofemotionshiswordsripfromme.Idon’twanttocryinfrontofhim.Actually,Idon’tcryinfrontofanyone.SoIblink,andblinksomemoreuntilthethreatisgone.“Sometimes.”
Hesetstheframedownandlooksatme.I’mscaredhe’sgoingtoaskifI’mokay,whichIreallyhopehedoesn’tbecauseIwillabsolutelycry.I’musuallytheonewhoprovidescomfortinmyfamily—whichis,honestly,finebecauseit’saroleIchosewhenIwasveryyoungandmysiblingswereallfallingapartandIdidn’tquiteunderstandwhy.TheyknewmyparentsbetterthanIdid—soitbecamemyself-appointedjobtolessentheirpain.Icouldhugthem.Icouldmakethemfeelbetter.IcouldmakesurethatIneverdidanythingtoaddtotheirworry.Andthenthat,inturn,mademefeelbetter.Butasideeffectofbeingtheonewholistensandcomfortsisthatpeoplerarelyoffertolistenorcomfortme.I’vebeenlivingthiswayforsolongnowthatI’mnotsureI’dbeanygoodatexpressingmyselfevenifIwereaskedto.
JustwhenIthinkWillisgoingtomakemetalkthroughmyfeelings,helightlygraspsmybicep,pullingmeintohischest.Andthat’sit.Noproddingquestions.Hewrapshisbigarmsaroundmeandholdsmehereinmyroomuntilmybodymeltsagainsthis.Itfeelssogoodtobeheldbyhim.Tobreathehiminandfeelhisheartbeatingagainstmychest.Toogood.
Andthenhepresseshislipstomyforeheadandmyentireheartwrenches.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Will?”IaskwhenIcan’ttakethesweetnessofthisanymore.It’stooconfusing.
Hereleasesme.“I’mgoingoutoftownforafewdayswithAmeliaforwork.”I’msurprisedathowdisappointedIfeelbythisnews.Whichisridiculous.Absolutelyabsurd.
Hecontinues,“AndIrealizedIdon’thaveyourphonenumber.”
“Oh.”
“AndIthoughtIshouldhaveit…”
“Youdid?”
Henods,stillwatchingme.“Incase…youhaveanytutor-relatedquestions.”
“Right.”Igiveafirmnod.Makessense.Perfectsense.“Where’syourphone?I’llputmynumberinit.”
Hefishesitfromthebackpocketofhisjeansandhandsittome.SomethingaboutholdingWill’sphonejustfeelsso…personal.Morepersonalthananythinghe’severletmeseebefore.Hislockscreenisaphotoofamountaintopview,andhisbackgroundisaphotoofanocean.They’reobviouslypictureshe’stakenonhisadventures—andsuddenlyI’movercomewithdesiretoknoweverythingaboutthesetrips.Toseehimstandingthereinthoseplacesandwitnessthesmileonhisfacewhenhereachedhisfinaldestination.Maybeevengowithhimonone.
Instead,Icreateanewcontactandtypemynumberinandquicklyhandhisphoneback.HefrownslightlyatthecontactnameanddeletesAnnieWalkerandreplacesitwithAnnabell.We’renotevengoingtoacknowledgetheobscenesurgeofbutterfliesthatrushesthroughmystomachwhenhedoes.
Inanattempttomakemyselffeelnormalandnotbuzzingwithphysicalawareness,Iwalkbacktowardthewindowandopenitagain.“Okay,wellnowthatyouhavemynumber,feelfreeto…”mywordstrailoffwhenIturnaroundandfindWilltoeingoffhisshoesandsittingonmybed“…stay.”
Willleansupagainstmyheadboard,shoeskickedoff,longlegsstretchedout,andoneanklecrossedovertheother.Willisinmybed.
In.My.Bed!
“Isthatallright?IfIstay?”hesayswiththeconfidenceofamanwhoalreadyknowstheanswer.
Iwouldlovetosurprisehimandkickhimout.No,youmaynotstay!Outyougo!
Yeah,nothappening.IwanthimheremorethanI’vewantedanythingbefore.
“Ofcourse.But…why?”
Hecamehereformyphonenumber,andhegotit.Taskaccomplished.Heshouldbeonhisway.
Willsmilesatme—bemused.“Tohangoutwithyou.”
“Irepeat,why?”
“Becauseyou’refuntohangoutwith.”
Ihavetopressmylipstogetheranddivertmygaze,soIpulloutthechairfrommydeskandsitsothathedoesn’tseethewaymysoulbeamsfromthatresponse.
“Areyougoingtostayallthewayoverthere?”heasks.
Ilookupintohisplayfulsparkingeyes.“It’snotwayoverhere.YoumakeitsoundlikeIneedamap.”
“Annie.”Histoneisgentlyinquisitive.“Issomethingwrong?”
Iblinkandshakemyhead.Nope.I’mgreat.Everythingisgreat,Ishouldsay.Myheadisn’tspinningatall.Myheartisn’thammeringandmypalmsaren’tsweating.Thisistotallynormal.WillandIarejusthangingout.Withnopurpose.Nospecificpractice.Just…twofriendsinatinyroomtogetherforfun.
“It’smakingyounervousthatI’monyourbed,isn’tit?”
IgrimacebecauseIreallyneedforhimtostopdoingthat—readingmymindsoeasily.“It’snotthat—”IcutmyselfoffbeforeIattempttolieandrealizehe’llknow.He’llseerightthroughmeimmediately,ashealwaysdoes.“Allright.Yes,Iguessit’sfreakingmeoutalittle.”Igesturebetweenus.“I’mnotgoodatallofthis,remember?”
“Allofthis?”
“Yeah…thesocializing.Friendship.Secretlate-nightmeetings.”Ipauseandthenaddquietly.“Meninmybed.”
“Right.Well,luckyforyou,there’sonlyonemaninyourbedtonight.Theotherswon’tbehereuntiltomorrow.”Webothgrin.“Seriously.It’sjustme.Noneedtobenervous.Butifyouwantmetoleave,Iwill.Ineverwanttomakeyouuncomfortable.”
Ithinkaboutthisforaminute,exploringhowIwouldfeelifheleftnow.IpicturemyselfwatchinghimgoandthenlyingawakethewholenightwonderingwhatwouldhavehappenedifI’dlethimstay.Ifeelthedisappointmentsoacutelyit’slikeitalreadyhappened.“Don’tgo.”
Theweightofthosewordshangsintheairbetweenusandtheydon’tsettle.Theystirupquestionsandimplicationslikeastorm.
Thistime,IhavethepleasureofwatchingWillsquirm.Ortheclosesthe’slikelyevergoingtogettosquirming.Heswallows,lightlyclearshisthroat,andthenturnshiseyesaway—searching.Mostunfortunately,theylandonthebookthatIleftopenonmybed.Hepicksitupandtomyhorror,startsreadingitrightthereinfrontofme.Unacceptable.BecauseIhappentoknowwhatwaswrittenaboutonthepageIwasreadingwhenhearrived:thecouple’sfirstkiss.Andthatmaysoundsweet,butthat’sonlyifyou’veneverreadahistoricalromancebefore.
Iknewthiskisswascoming,andIwantedtobecomfyandcozyinbedbeforeIreadit,soIsetthebookdownandgotuptogetchangedandbrushmyteeth.AndnowWillisreadingit…beforeme.Whatifit’sreallysteamy?Whatifthereisdirtytalk?Ohmygosh,whatifthereisotherstuff?
Ineedtothinkofadiscreetwaytodistracthim.Somethingreallycasualandeasysothathesetsthebookdownbutisn’tsuspicious.
“Stopreading!”Iblurt.
Super.Reallydiscreet.
Will’seyesflicktome,andthenagrinthatI’vecometoknowalltoowellspreadsonhisface.Hisfingersclutchthecoveralittleharder.“Why,Annabell?Somethingwrongwithmereadingthisbook?”Hiseyebrowslift.
“Wilton,putthebookdown.”
Hisexpressionsaysit:notachance.
Andthen—thejerk—cutshiseyestothepageandbeginsreading.Aloud.“AgrowlsoundedfromthebackofCaptainCutler’sthroatashestareddownatLadyEloise’sfull,eroticmouth…”
Withoutthinking,Ileapontothebed.“Ohmygosh,stopreading!”ItrytoyellinawhisperatWill,whothenhopsofftheothersideofthebed.
Laughingathisownwords,hecontinues.“Ifhedidn’ttakeherthenandthere,hewassurehewasgoingtodie,”Willreadswhileracingaroundthefrontofmybedtoevademe.Heraisesthebookabovehishead.“Sodramatic,thiscaptain.ImeanIknowthefeeling,butI’veneverthoughtI’ddiefromanerectionbefore.”
“Ohmygosh!Don’tsayerection!”
“Bonerthen?”hesupplies—knowingfullwellthatwordisnotbetter—whiledoingaspinmovetogetaroundmeandlowerthebooktocontinuereading.“Herbreastsheavedabovethebodiceofhergown,andCaptainCutlerknewshewantedhimtoo.”Hepausesagain,longenoughformetoramintohimlikealinebackerandlayhimoutflatonhisbackonthemattress.Helaughsharder,eyessparklingdangerously,andextendsthebookabovehisheadasfarashecanasIcrawloverhimtograbit.“Iseelotsofconsentredflagsinourdearcaptain.Amanshouldneverassumeawomanwantshim.”
“He’sapirate!He’susedtopillagingandmurdering!I’mnotsurethatconsentisonhisradar!”
“Andthatmakesitokay?”heasks,stilllaughingatmyattemptstogetthebook.
“No—definitelynot.InreallifeI’dbehorrified.Butthisisabook.Andbooksare…different.”ThatlastwordcomesoutlikeagruntasImanagetolatchontothebookandvaliantlyripitfromhishand.Iholditovermyhead—breathinglikeIjustfinishedatriathlon.Ismilevictoriously.“Youlose!”
AndthenwebothrealizeI’mstraddlinghim.CHAPTERTWENTY-ONEAnnie
Mysmileslowlyfadesastheplayfulnessintheairdissipatesandrealitygrabsholdofme.Williscurrentlyhorizontalonhisback,andmylegsareoneithersideofhim.Onmybed.Hisfacesobersasoureyesconnect.HeatandsomethingfiercethatI’mterrifiedtoadmitiswantzipsthroughme.Will’shandsarestillabovehishead,andmyeyesdroptowherethecapofhissleevehasbunchedupoverhisshoulder,provingthathistattoosdocontinueuppasthisbicep.Buthowfar?Towhatend?Ineedtoknow.
Will’seyesblaze,knowingexactlywhatI’mwanting.“Goahead.”
Ibrieflylooktohiseyes—makingsurehereallygavemepermission.Henodsonce.Andthenwithshakinghands,Ibrushthehemofhisshirtbeforegraspingitaslightlyashumanlypossibletopushitup.Slowlyhisskinisrevealedlikeacurtainrisingtodisplayamillion-dollarartinstallation.Ataut,smooth,definedabdomen,followedbyachiseledchestand—gasp!—apeekofinkedfoliageacrosshisleftpec.Heflexeshisstomachmuscleslightly,andI’mnotsureifit’sinanattempttoimpressmeorbecausemyhandsarecold.Eitherway,it’squitethesight.
Willabruptlysitsup,andmybreathcatchesasIfearhe’sgoingtopushmeofforsayhe’soffendedathowboldandhandsyI’mbeing.
Buthedoesn’t.
Heliftshisarmsintheairformetocontinuepeelingtheshirtcompletelyfromhisbody.Athrillsurgesthroughme.
Whenit’soff,WillandIareface-to-face,andhisbaretorsoandshouldersandchestareallheretoo.Skin.Warmmaleskinrighthereformetotouch.Iliftmyhandtopressintohischestandhesitate.Myhandsshakeandmynervestellmethisiswrong.Ishouldn’tbeabletodothisortoenjoyit.I’mAnnieWalker!AnnieWalkerissweet.AnnieWalkerdoesn’tevendesirethesesortsofencounters.AnnieWalkeris—
Will’shandcoversmineashepressesittohisskin.Igiveinandshutmyeyesfromhowincrediblethisfeels.ButnowallIwantismore.Slowlymyhandsmemorizethefeelofhisraisedtattooedskinandmarvelthatithasatexture—amemory.Iglidemyfingersdelicatelyupandoverhisshoulder,stoppingtofeelhisprominentcollarbonealong
Hishandsareonmyhipsnow—fixedthere,unmoving.“Annie…”Willsaysquietly.“Ineedtoask—you’reavirgin,aren’tyou?”
Thetruthfallsbetweenus.
IswallowandwishmorethananythingIcouldlie.OrmaybeIdon’t.“Yes.How’dyouknow?”
“Well,”hesayswithacrookedsmile.“Forone,yourreputation.Andtwo…thewayyoukissedmetheothernight.”HepausesandI’mterrifiedhe’sgoingtosayheknewfromhowbaditwas.Howinexperienced.Butthenthecornersofhismouthcurveandhisgriptightens.“Youweresoresponsive,likeyouwereexperiencingpassionforthefirsttime.Itwasincredible.”
MyfaceheatsandIdropmygaze.ButWilltouchesmyface,anglingitbacktowardhim.“Isthereareasonyou’vebeenwaiting?”
Thequietpressesinaroundus,butIdon’tfeeluncomfortable.IfeelcompletelysafewithWilljustlikeIalwaysdo.Inormallyshyawayfromthistopicatallcostsbecause,honestly,it’sembarrassing;butnowthatit’soutintheopenwithhim,Ifeelnothingbutrelief.
“I’vebeenwaitingbecauseI’vebeentooscared.”Isaythosewordsoutloudforthefirsttimeinmylife,neverreallyknowinguntilthismomentthereasonwhy.“Actually,I’mnotevensurescaredistherightword.I’vejustneverknownanyonewhomademefeelsafeenoughtosharethatpartofmyselfwiththem.”
I’vealwaysbeenmadetofeellikemyvirginitywassilly—notthatmysiblingshaveeversaidthatinsomanywords,butthey’vesaiditinthelittlejabsabouthowangelicIam.HowI’mtheonlyoneofuswhowilllikelymakeitthroughthepearlygates.LikesomehowmyneedtowaitwasjustmetryingtoproveIwassweeterandholierthaneveryoneelsebecauseIdon’tsuccumbtodesiresandneedslikeeveryoneelse.
Willdoesn’tdothat.Henods,seemingtounderstandthatit’salwaysbeenmoreaboutprotectingmyselfandmyemotionsthanprovinganythingtoothers.
Will’seyesdroptomymouth.“Timein?”hesaysquietly,andmystomachswoops.Thesteadysoundsofourbreathingaretheonlysoundtrackforthemoment.
“Timein.”
“Ifyouwanttokissmeagain,Annie,Iwantyouto.Takeasmuchasyouwant,andI’llkeepmyhandsrighthere”—hegripsmyhipsagain—“unlessyoutellmetomovethem.”
Ifillmylungswithair—feelingandknowingthisisapivotalmomentinmylife.ThequestionI’mafraidtoansweriswhydoIfeelsafeenoughtoevenconsidertakingthisfurtherwithWillwhenIknowhewon’tbehereforever?WhenIknowthatwithhimitcanonlyeverbepassionandnothingelse.Ishouldn’twantthiswithhimbecausethereisnooptionforhappilyeverafterandbabiesandwhitepicketfences.
Andyet…
Myeyestraveluphischestandshouldersandneck,andthendecidetotakealeap.“Youcanmovethem.”
Fourlittlewords.Deadlywords.Desirepullsthestringsonmyfingersandraisesthemtothesidesofhisabdomenwiththelightestpressure,butIstillfeelhisribsexpandundermyhand.Heholdsabsolutelystill.I’mtremblingandnervousasIslidemypalmsupfarther,followingthetrailmyeyesandfingerspavedamomentago.I’veneverfeltanythingquitelikehiswarmskinbefore.
“Ialwayskeepmyhandstomyselfbecausenooneexpectsmetowantanyofthis,”Isaymoreasarealizationthanastatement.“Butwithyou…”Ifrowncontemplatively,lettingmystatementdangle.
“Kissme,Annie.Please.”
Hisvoice,rawwithlongingandrestraint,excitespartsofmeIdidn’tknowexisted.
BeforeIlosethenerve,Itipforwardandpressmylipstohis.We’vekissedbefore,butthisisdifferent.It’sintimateandloaded.Themomentweconnect,Iamlosttothedarknessbehindmyeyelidsandthedesirepoolinginmybody.Hislipsarewarmandsoft.Hedoesn’tasserthimself,heonlyrespondstomysoftkisses.Exploringlittlepresses.It’snotthatI’macompleteamateurwhenitcomestokissing—it’sthatIamanamateuratkissingWill.AndifthisisthelastshotIeverget,Iwanttomakeitcountandnotrushasinglesecond.
Ipullawaytolookathim,helooksback,andthenIleaninagain,eyesopen—kiss.Ipullawayoncemore,notethefierylookbehindhisblue-grayirises,tilt,andkissagain.Hesmileslightlyafterthethirdone,catchingontomypattern.Heraisesabrowbeforebeingtheonetoleaninthistime.Hekissesmeandlingers,slantingandcoaxing.Here.It’sevenbetterthisway.
MyeyescloseagainandIsink,sink,sink.
Hepullsaway,andourlipspeelslowly,liketheydon’twanttoletgo.Andthistime,whenIgoinforthekiss,Ilingertoo.Iinitiateanewrhythm—somethingdeeperandmoreexploring.
Islidemyarmsallthewayuparoundhisnecksomychestpressestohis.Iwant—need—togetcloser.MyconsciousnessisslowlyswirlingawayfrommeasIlosemyselftothiskiss,andIholdontohimfordearlife.
Andthenforthefirsttime,Will’shandsslideupfrommyhipsundermyshirttosplayacrossmybareback.Theytugmeupevencloser,hisroughthumbsglidingovermysoftskin.IhaveneverfeltmorealiveasWillholdsmeandkissesme—breathingdeeplyfromtimetotimelikehelovesthewayIsmell.
I’mterrified.Thrilled.Embarrassinglyneedy.
Will’smouthleavesminetokissmyjawandthenmyneck.Myheadlullsbackandhishandsroamdownovermythighsandaroundtomybackside,wherehecupsmybuttandpullsmeuptohim.Igaspandhecatchesitinhismouth.Athreadsnapsandwe’relost.
Willholdsmetightandflipsussohe’shoveringovermeandmybackisagainstthemattress.Mypulseisinmyears,heatisfloodingeverycornerofmybodyasWill’skissesextendtoanypartofexposedskinhecanfind,likemyneck.TheVofskinpeekingoutfrommypajamatop.Andthenthesmallsectionofskinonmyabdomenwheremytophasriddenup.JustwhenIthinkImightpassoutfromthepureecstasyofthis,Willasks,“Whyareyousmiling?”
Ishakemyheadandtughimupsothatwe’reface-to-faceagain.“Ijustembarrassedmyselfwithmyownthought.”
Theblackcentersofhiseyesgrow.“Sayit.”
Ibitemylipandtellmyselfthere’snoturningbacknow.“Iwasjustwonderingifyou’dmaybe…kissme…passionately,”Iask,barelygettingthewordsoutandfeelingsoembarrassedbythemthatIcouldcombust.“Lesscontrolled.Icanfeelyouholdingback…andIdon’twantyouto.”
Hestaresdownatme—hisunrulylockofhairfallingoverhisbrowandhisdarktattooscompetingwiththeperfect,dangerousrimaroundhisirises.Andthenlikeariptideswallowingmewhole,hismouthslantsovermineanddemandsasmuchasitgives.Imakeasoundandhemakesasound,andIthinkImightdiefromhowwonderfulthisis—fromhowmuchmoreIneed.Idon’tcareaboutanythingbesidestakingeverythingthatWillwantstogiveme.Andthat’swhenIrealizethatneveragainwillIbeabletosettlewithsimplyniceandsoftandstable.Imean,yes,Iwantthosethingsstill.ButIalsowantthis.Dangerous,untethered,anddemanding.HowdidIeverthinkIdidn’tneedthis?
Igraspathisshoulderbladesandthenpullawaywithsurprise.“Yourtattoosdoextendoveryourback!”Ipeekupandoverandamdelightedtoseethatthesebeautifulflowerscompletelywraphisshoulder.
Will’seyesareunfocusedwhenhelooksatme,restingonhisforearmandpushingmyhairbackfrommyfacewithhisotherhand.“You’vebeenwondering?”
“EverynightsinceImetyou,”Isay,solemnly.“SometimesIcan’tsleepbecauseIliehereimaginingwheretheyend.”
Hestaresatme,barelybreathing.“Iwasn’texpectingthat.”
Andthenhisheadlowersandswiftlytakesmymouthforakisssointimate,sodemanding,sofeveredthatmytoescurlandmylegslockaroundhis.HistonguepartsmylipsandglidesovermineuntilI’mconsumedbyhim,andeverythingIknewaboutmyselfvanishesandbeginsredrawingnewlines.Iwantmore.Everything.
Whilewekiss,Will’shandsfumblewiththebuttonsofmyshirt,startingatthebottomandworkingtheirwayup.There’sonlyoneleftwhenIgrabhishand.“Wait.Timeout.”
Hepausesimmediatelyandpullsback.
“I’mnotreadyyet,”Isayinanervousrush.“I’msorry…IthoughtIwouldbe,butthenasthingsstartedprogressing—”
Willimmediatelycupsmyface,cuttingmeoff.“Don’tapologize.Noexplanationneeded.”
“Ifeelbad.”
“Don’t.”Headjuststohisside,restingonhisforearmandthenusinghisfreehandtopullmyhandtohismouth.Hekissesmyinnerwristwithatendernessthatsurgestomysoul.“Youdon’toweme—oranyoneelse—anything,Annie.Justkissingyouisagift.Onethat…”Hisbrowspinchtogetherandhepauses,idlyplayingwithmyfingers.Whenhelooksatmeagain,IseesomethingsorawinhiseyesIneverexpectedtosee:fear.
Ineverdolearnwhathewasgoingtosay.IexpectWilltoleave,buthesighsandpullsmeovertorestmyheadonhischest,holdingmesotightitfeelslikehe’safraidI’mgoingtoflyaway.CHAPTERTWENTY-TWOWill
Sunlighthitsthebackofmyeyelids,andIdraginaquickinhale.I’vebeensleepinglikearock.Likethedead.Like…I’mnotalone.
Shit,shit,shit.
Iopenmyeyestothesightofbananasandblondehair.Annieistuckedupclosetome,legdrapedovermine,headinthecrookofmybareshoulderandhandsplayedoutonmychest.She’sbreathingdeeply—soundasleep.Wemusthavefallenasleeptogetherafter…Damn,Idon’tevenknowwhattocalllastnight.Itdefinitelywasn’tjustakiss.Itwasdevastating.
Thisisnotgood.
Andbynotgood,ImeantheEntireSituationisnotgood.I’moverwhelmed.There’salothappeninginsidemethatIdon’tknowwhattodowith.I’mfeelingthingsforAnniethatIdidn’tknowIwascapableoffeeling.Normally,bynow,I’mboredinarelationship.Thisisn’tevenarelationshipwithAnnie,andI’mclawingoutofmyskinwithaneedtobemoreforher.Toalwaysbearoundwhensheneedsme.TobethekindofmanIneversawmodeledgrowingup.
Andyet—canItrustit?CanItrustmyselfwithher?Wouldsheevenwantamanlikemewithsomuchbaggageandheartbreaktosharealifeinsideherwhitepicketfence?IfeellikethebiggesthypocritealivetobedesiringmorewithAnniewhenIjusttoldmybrothertopumpthebreakswiththewomanheloves.ButIdidn’trealize…
Maybethereishopeforus.
OrmaybeIshouldtakeastepbackandthinkaboutitwithoutthislushlycurvedwomanpressedupbesideme.
ItwasabadideatoevercomebacktoRome.ToletAnnietouchme.Kissme.Turnmeinsideout.ItwassomucheasierwhenIthoughtIwouldn’tlikearelationshipandthatIdidn’twanttoruntheriskofendingupinapositionsimilartomyparents’.Becausewhatotheroptionisthereforsomeonewhoenduredeighteenyearsofahate-filledmarriagebetweenhisparents?WheninfidelityandemotionalabusewereallIsaw?Therewasnotenderness.Nopatience.Therewereinsultsandharshreprimandsandmewonderingifthatnightwasgoingtobetheonewhenalltheiryellingwasgoingtoendwithmydadhittingmymomorherleavingusforgoodtosleepwithsomeotherguy.
Butneitherofthosethingshappened.EthanandIwerealwaysjustwaitingontheprecipiceofsomethingterrible—wonderingwhenitwouldbreak.Itneverdid—andIguessI’mthankfulforthat.Instead,theirmarriagefizzledoutinananticlimacticwaythatledmetobelievethatmaybewhattheyhadwasjustnormal.TheydivorcedafterEthanandIlefthomeandthenactedasifallthehelltheyputusthroughneverhappened.LikeIneverbecameamanwhoavoidsrealrelationshipsatallcostsbecauseallI’veeverknownarepainfulones.AmanwhoinnowaytrustshimselfwithawomanasgoodandhopefulandlovelyasAnnie.
UntilImetherandheldherinmyarms,IneverknewIcouldbecapableofsomuchtenderness.AndI’mnottalkingaboutsex.I’mtalkingabouttenderconversations.Tenderwords.Tenderunderstanding.Eventhewayshebreathesagainstmyneckwhileshesleepsistender—andIwantit.Allofit.I’mjustnotsureit’ssustainableorthatIwanttofindoutifit’snot.EversinceIrealizedIcouldclimbthatmagnoliatreeinmybackyard,I’vebeenverygoodatprotectingmyselfandavoidinganythingthatcouldcausememorepain.
ThewomanI’mholdinghasthepotentialtocausememorepainthananyoneelseeverhas.AndIsureashellcandothesametoher.Ihavenoideawheretogofromhere.
Fornow,Ineedtogetmoving.Thesunisstillsoftandwarm,justbeginningtorise,whichmeansit’saroundmyusualearlymorningwake-uptime.IfIhurry,Icanstillgetoutofherewithoutanyonenoticing.MaybeevenbeforeAnnienotices.
ButwhenIlookdown,tryingtoassessthebestwaytoextricatemyself,insteadofmovingaway,Iwatchmyfingerscurltighteraroundherside.InoticeeverythingaboutAnniethatIshouldn’t.Likehowhereyelashescurlontheendsandareblondeatthebase.Howshehaslotsofsmallfrecklesacrossthebridgeofhernose.AndInoticethewayshecurvesintomeperfectly.Ihonestlydidn’ttakeAnnieforasnuggler.“Ialwayskeepmyhandstomyself….Butwithyou…”Thosewordsecholoudlyinmyhead.
She’sdrapedfullyoverme,weighingmedowninthemostincrediblyaffectionateway.IkeepmyfingerslightagainsthersideeventhoughIwanttocurlthemintotheadorablebanana-printedfabricofherPJsandthenproceedtopeelthemoffonebyone.Iwanttorollheroverandwakeherupwithkissesdownherneckandoverherstomach.Iwanttokissherandnotstop.
Timetogetup,Will.Getout!AndgetfarawayuntilIcanthinkclearlyagain.AndIabsolutelycannotbetheonetotakehervirginity.NotonlybecauseitwouldcomplicatethingswithAmeliaandmyjobwithher,butI’llforsurebeoutofherebytheendofthemonth(assoonasIgetAmeliatoagree)andthenI’llbeofftoWashington,D.C.It’sgoingtobehigh-stress,high-stakes,andfast-pacedwork.Myfavorite.Notimeforrootsorrelationships.
Carefully,IslideoutfromunderAnnieandsimultaneouslypullthepillowintotheplacewheremyshoulderwasholdingherheadup.Shedoesn’tmoveorstir.Asmuchasshe’dhatetohearit,shelookslikeasleepingangelwithhersoftpinklipsrelaxedintoapoutandhereyelashescurlingagainsthercheekbone.Herhairishalfin,halfoutofthebunshewaswearinglastnight,andsomehowitmakesthewholesightlookevenmoreattractive.
Istandupfromthebed,slowlyworkingmyshouldersinafewcirclestoeasesomeofthetightness.Thesunishighernow,anditspursmetogetoutthewindowandbacktomySUVdownthestreetbeforeanyonenoticesit.WhenImakeittothewindow,Iliftthepaneasquietlyaspossible,happyitdoesn’tsqueakorscrape.IdropmylegoverthesidejustlikethewayIenteredandpauseonlylongenoughtolookatAnnieonemoretime.
MybreathcatcheswhenIrealizeshe’sfacingmenow,eyesopen,smilingsoftly.Shedoesn’tsayanything,andneitherdoI.Herblueeyessparkleinthemorningsun,andthemostdomesticimagesrushthroughmyhead:ofherpouringabowlofcereal,metoppingitoffwithmilk,andthenhersittinginmylapwhileweeattogetheratthetable—becauseI’maclingysonofabitchlikethat.Thatisallwrong.That’snotthesortoffantasyIshouldbehavingabouther.Itshouldbeallsexual.Allprimalandfleeting.Instead,I’mrubbingmychestandtellingmyselftogetthehelloutofherebeforeIaccidentallyaskhertohavecoffeewithmeontheporchwhilethesuncomesup.
IgiveAnnieonelastsmileandthenduckoutthroughherwindowandcloseitbehindme.
—
Ican’tgobacktomyroomyetuntilI’mcertainMabelisgone.She’llbehoveringaroundthefrontdeskthismorningwaitingtocatchTerrylazilythrowingthenewspaperonthelawninsteadofontothefrontstoop.SoImakeadetourtothedinerforsomecoffeebeforeIgoback,bidingmytimeuntilMabelleavesforhernineo’clockexercisewalkaroundthetown.
WhenIgetnearthediner,Iparkinthecommunallotandthenstartmytrekthroughthetowntowardit.Myeyesarepeeled,andI’mreadyforsomeonetopopoutandspringasaleonmeIhavenointerestin,but,thankfully,it’squiet.Therearenonosespressedtowindows,noeyespeekingfromcorners,noonereallyinsight.
ThedinerisemptyexceptforNoah,who’ssittingatthebar.HecomesinherealmosteverymorningforcoffeebeforegoingovertoThePieShopandmakingevenmorecoffee.ItakethebarstooltwodownfromhimjustasJeanineburststhroughthedoor,rushesbackbehindthebar,thenthrowsherapronoverherheadwithamegawattsmile.“Morning,
WebothnodatJeanine,andmirroringNoah’smannerismsfeelsweird.
“Havingagoodmorning?”asksJeanine
Webothgruntaresponse.
Jeanineretrieveshernotepadandpenandtucksthemintoherpocket.“Riiight.Okay,sotheusualforNoah:coffee,blackastar.Andwhataboutyou,Will?”Sheraisesherbrowsatmeandflipsherlongauburnhairoverhershoulder,waitingformyanswer.
IglanceatNoahandbackatJeanine,wishingIdidn’thavetoputmyorderinwithhimlistening.“Uh,coffeetoo.”
“Black?”
“Yep.”Ileanforwardslightly.“Pluscreamandsugar.”
IcatchNoah’sgrin.
“Shutup,”Itellhimandheraiseshishands.
“Ididn’tsayathing.”
“Yoursmirkdid.It’ssexistofyoutothinkIcan’tbemanlyandalsoenjoycreamandsugar.”
Noahcutshiseyestome,stillholdingalookofcompletedisinterest.“Ican’tworkinapieshop,wearanaproneverydamndayofmylife,andalsobesexist.”
“I’mstartingtothinkit’sallafront.Youandyourblack-as-tarcoffeearesexistasshit.”
Jeaninechucklesandturnstowardthecoffeepottopourourdrinks.“Aren’tyoutwojustburstsofsunshinethismorning?”JeanineslidesNoah’sblackcoffeetohimfirstandthenminetome.“Noah’salwaysgrumpy,sothat’snothingnew,”shesays,leaningoverthecountertobeface-to-facewithme.“Butyou’vealwaysgotasmileforme.Where’smysmile,Will?”
She’snotcomingontome—Idon’tthink.It’sjustJeanine.She’snaturallyflirtatious,andnaturallyflirtatiouspeopleareusuallydrawntome.ProbablybecauseI’moneofthem.Ilearneditfromanearlyage:flirtatiouspeoplearewidelyloved,andI’vebeeninthebusinessofgettinglovefromanyoneandeveryoneIcansincethedayIwenttoschoolandtoldTeressaHowardshelookedprettyinherLisaFrankshirt,andshehuggedme.IthadbeenweekssinceI’dhadahug,andIstillrememberitfeelingsodamngood.
Isipmycoffee,andgrinaroundtherim—notquitefeelingittoday.“Sorry,Jeanine.Longnight.”
Hereyestwinkle,andsheliftsabrowbeforestandingupstraightandgivingasoftwhistle.“Andwho’stheluckyladyyouditchedforasolobreakfast?AnyoneIknow?”Idon’tmissthecalculatedeasygrin.She’sfishingtoseeifit’sAnniebecausewehadlunchtogetherhereatthediner.
“Ididn’t—”Icatchmyself,rememberingthatthebrotheroftheladyinquestionissittingonlyabarstoolawayfromme—andhealsohappenstobemyboss’sfiancé.Ineedtowatchmyself.“Itwasn’tthatkindofalongnight.”
Jeaninelaughsharderthistime.“Isee.Nowthegrumpymoodmakesmoresense.”Annoyingthatshe’simplyingI’minabadmoodfromnothavingsexwithAnnie.Icouldcarelessaboutthat,andI’mgladAnniewashonestandsaidshewantedtostop.I’mgrumpybecausemynightwithherwasbetterthananythingI’veeverexperiencedbefore,andIdon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.“Allright,well,I’llleaveyoutwoalonetoyourmantime.Hollerifyouneedme,honeys.”Jeaninedisappearsintothekitchen.
NoahandIsitinsilenceforseveralminutes,andI’mthankfulforit.ItgivesmetimetoconsiderwhatI’mgoingtodoaboutAnnieandthemagneticholdsheseemstohaveoverme.PartofmeinsistsIneedtobowoutofofferingtohelpher.Afterlastnight—andthenfallingasleepnexttoher—it’sclearthatIneedtoclampdownonmyboundariesifI’mgoingtostayonthepathI’vemadeformyself.
“So…”Noah’svoicepullsmefrommythoughts.“YouspentthenightwithAnnie,huh?”
Ichokeonmycoffee.Afull-oncoughing,eye-watering,gasping-for-airchoke.
Noah—theasshole—laughs.“Calmdown.Ididn’tmeanittocomeoutlikeathreat.”He’smaybetheonlypersonintheworldwhocouldmakemefeelthreatened.I’vestareddownsomeprettyterrifyingpeople,butNoahhasthisquietconfidenceabouthimthattellsmehecouldmakemylifehellifhewantedto.
Itakeanotherdrinkofcoffeetotrytoeasemycoughingandpressthebackofmyhandtomymouth.Aftermylifehasstoppedflashingbeforemyeyes,IlookatNoah.“HowelseamIsupposedtotakethatquestion?”
Hedoesn’tsayanything,justsmirksintohiscoffee.Notathreat,myass.Heknewwhathewasdoingwhenhesaidit,andIwon’tdarelietohimortrytoconvincehimIdidn’tspendthenightwithAnnie.ButIatleastcanbehonestlyinnocentinfrontofhim.Afirstforme.
“Ididn’tsleepwithher,justsoyouknow.”Ipause.“Well…wedidfallasleeptogether,butIdidn’t—”
Noahholdsuphishand,cuttingmeoff.“Idon’tneedtoknowdetails.It’snoneofmybusiness.”
Ieyehimskeptically.“Itisn’t?”
FromwhatI’veseen,itseemslikeeverythinginthistowniseveryone’sbusiness.
Noahsmilesfromunderhisbeard—andIwoulddamnwelltradeallofmytattoosfortheabilitytogrowabeardlikethatman’s.Itisn’tfair.I’mtheformermilitarymanturnedbodyguard—Ishouldhavethemanlybeard.TheonlyfacialhairIcangrowexcellentlyareeyelashes.They’relongandthick,andwomenalwaysnotethem.Adamnshame.Notemymuscles,notemysquarejaw,notemyassforgoodness’sake—butplease,fortheloveofGod,donotcommentonthelengthandvolumeofmylashes.
“Annieisagrownwoman.Idon’tneedtokeeptabsonherormonitorwhoshedoesordoesn’tdate.”Noahturnshiscasualgazetomeandtipsashoulder.Hetakesadrinkofhiscoffee,andthensetsthemugdownandstaresintoit.I’veseenhimandAmeliatogetherandit’shardnottorootforthem.Tobewildlyjealousofthem.They’regoodforeachother.
WouldIbegoodforAnnie?
Instinctively,Iknowshewouldbegoodforme.ButIworrythatIwoulddragherdown.Iwouldn’tknowhowtocommunicatewell,orI’dfeelanitchtoleavewhenthingsgottough—becauseI’mself-awareenoughtoknowthatIavoidallconfrontationanddiscomfortlikethey’rediseases.It’swhyIhaven’tcalledmybrotherback.It’swhyIhaven’tbeenhometovisiteitherofmyparentsinyears.It’swhyIchoseacareerthatallowsmetobeahappy-go-luckynomad,whereIcanfloatfromwomantowomanandplacetoplace,andnevergetattachedenoughtohavetodealwithreallife.
Jeanineglidesthroughtheswingingkitchendoorandsetsmyeggsinfrontofmewithasmileandawink.Onlyaftershecrossesthedinertotakeanothertable’sorderdoIaskNoah,“Howdidyouknow?ThatIspentthenightwithAnnie,Imean.”
“Sawyourtruck.”
“Youliveontheoppositesideoftown.”
“Didn’tsayIsawyourtruck.”Helooksatmeandgrins—remindingmethatthistown’smeddlinggoesdeeperthanIcanevenimagine.“Jamessawitonhiswayoutfordeliveriesthismorning.Consideringthegossiparoundthetownthaty’allhavestarteddatingandthenseeingyourtruckdowntheroadfrommysisters’house…itdoesn’ttakearocketscientisttoputtwoandtwotogether.”
I’mnotsurewhetherthisisgoodorbad.Annieconfirmedshe’savirginlastnight—andI’mnotsurehowmanyotherpeopleinherlifeknowthatorifitevenmatterstoherattheendoftheday.ButI’mnotthekindofguyyouhearhasbeensleepinginawoman’sroomandassumenothinghappened.Thenagain,shedidwanttochangeherreputationaroundthistown.
“DoyouthinkJamestoldanyoneelse?”
Noahstiflesalaughandgivesmeafacethatsays,youpoordipshit.“Don’tletthefarmerlookfoolyou.JamesiseverybitthegossipthatMabelis.”Hepausesandtipshisheadsidewaysandthenbacklikehe’srememberingsomething.“Plusthere’sthefactthatTony—oursheriff—sawyouclimbingoutofAnnie’sbedroomwindowthismorning.”
“Shit.”
“Yep.”
SpeakingofJames,aminutelaterhewalksintothediner,whistling.JameshasthemostopensmileI’veeverseenonanyone.There’snoulteriormotivetoit—it’slikehe’sjustgenuinelyhappyallthetime.Strange.
“Morning,Jeanine!”hecallsfromthedoor.Inoticehe’scarryingaclipboardinhishand,buthegoestothefarendofthebaranddropsitoffbytheregisterbeforecomingtotakethestoolnexttoNoah.HeslapsNoahontheback.“Goodmorning,sunshine.Dreamaboutmelastnight?”
“Uh-huh,”Noahsaysandthentakesanothersipofhiscoffee.“DreamedIranyouoverwithmytruck.”
“Well,thisisatreat,James,”saysJeanine,comingovertotakehisorder.“Ineverseeyouhereinthemornings.”
“Ihadsomebusinessintowntotendto.”
Noahlooksathimwithafrown.“Whatbusiness?Youdon’tdelivertomyshopuntiltomorrow.”
“You’llsee,”hesayswithanunnervinggrin.MaybeI’mthinkingtoomuchaboutit,butpairedwiththetown’sunnaturallyquietdispositionthismorning,Ifeelaprickleofunease.“I’lltakethemorningsampler,Jeanine,thankyou.”JamesleansaroundNoahtolookatme.“Youtwobeenhavingastimulatingconversation?”
“IfyoucountNoahsubtlythreateningme,then,yeah,it’sbeengreat.”
Jameslaughs.Noahshakeshishead,gazesforward.“Itwasn’tathreat.”
“Ibetitwas,”saysJames.“IfitwasconcerningAnnieandyourslumberpartylastnight,itabsolutelywasathreat.Andjustwaituntilthesistersgetwindofit.”
“Nothinghappened!”Isay,suddenlyfeelinglikeIneedalawyerpresent.
“Quitshaking.”Noahtipshismuguphigh,gulpingdownthelastbitofcoffeeandthenturningtowardmeonhisstool.“Ilikeyou,Will.Ialwayshave.IknowI’msupposedtobetheprotectiveolderbrotherwhowarnstheguywiththereputationtostaythehellawayfromhisbabysister,butthat’sjustnothowIwork.IswearI’mnottryingtothreatenyou—becauselikeJamessaid,mysisterswilldothatjustfinewithoutmyinterference.Butmorethanthat,ItrustmysisterstoknowwhattheyneedbetterthanIdo.Andthefactis,whateverisgoingonwithyouandAnnie,Isupportit.”
“Youdo?”
“Yeah.”Noahstandsandfacesme.“Tobehonest,I’mmoreworriedaboutyouthanaboutAnnie.”
“Why’sthat?”Isay,eventhoughIagreewholeheartedlywithhim.
“BecauseIcanguaranteeyou’venevermetanyonelikeher,”Noahsaysominouslyandthenturnstoleave,pauses,andthengoestothesideofthebartolookatwhateverJamesdroppedoff.Ihearhisgruntofalaughbeforeheflashesmealook,shakeshishead,andleaveswithoutexchanginganyotherwords.
“Forwhatit’sworth,”Jamessaysaroundabiteofeggs,“Idoplanonthreateningyou.”Heaimshissmileatme,andsuddenlyitdoesn’tlookquitesosunnyanymore.Ithasthesameglintaswordhas.“Hurther,andI’llkillyouandburyyourbodyasfertilizerformyplants.”
Inodonce,slowly.“Noted.”
Itossaten-dollarbillontothecounterandfinallygoovertoseewhat’sonthatclipboard.Icurseundermybreath.“Didyoumakethis?”
Helaughs,notevenlookingatmeashecontinuestodigintohiseggs.“Nope.ThatwouldbeHarriet’sdoing.”
“Whendidtheyallhavetimetodothis?”
“Aboutthirtyminutesagoattheirimpromptutownbusinessowners’meeting.There’soneineachestablishment.”
“Ofcoursethereis.”Andthiswouldexplainwhyitwasaghosttownouttheretoday.TheyhadallgatheredtomakeapetitiontokeepmeandAnnieapart.Acrossthetopinboldlettersitreads:
We,thetown’speople,demandthatAnnieWalkerandWillGriffinherebyforfeittheirnewrelationshiponthegroundsofAnnieWalkerbeingasweetdarlingandWillGriffinbeing…notasweetdarling.
Belowthat,there’saprettynicelittleslandercampaignthatlistsallthereasonsI’mnottobetrusted(seethegrainycopyandpastedBuzzFeedarticle)followedbyallofAnnie’ssuperlatives.I’mimpressedthatsheledthechildren’sliteracyfundraisingcampaignatthelibrary.Butnotsurprised.AndgettingHarriet’smarkettoswitchfromplastictobring-your-ownreusablebagsiscooltoo.Atthebottomthere’saplugforDavie’sPrintShop.
Nice.
“Isthisevenlegal?”IaskJames.
“Doubtit.ButneverunderestimatethepowerofthetownofRometomeddlejustenoughtogetshitdone.PlusHarrietboughtfifteenboxesofGirlScoutcookiesfromthesheriff’sdaughter,soIimaginehe’swillingtolooktheotherwayonthispetition.”Heeyesmeclosely.“SoifyouwanttomarryAnnie,youbetterputyourbestfootforwardandshowusyou’reworthit.”
Igroan.“Idon’twanttomarryAnnie!Thisisonebigmisunderstanding.”Aridiculousonethat’squicklygettingoutofhand.
Helooksbackdownathiseggswithasmile.“Sureyoudon’t.”CHAPTERTWENTY-THREEAnnie
Igethomeafterworktothesmelloffancybakedchicken.ThemomentIopenthedoor,thebeautifularomasmacksmerightinthefaceandImakeabeelinetothekitchen.IlovesummerbecauseitmeansMaddieandEmilyareoutofschool.That’swonderfulfortworeasons:one,Igettoseemoreofthem,andtwo,Maddiehasmoretimetocook.
IgroanasIwalkintothekitchenandfindMaddieinfrontofapotofsimmeringsomething.“Whatisthatamazingsmell?”
Maddieturnstome,oversizemessybunbouncingasshedoes.“It’sanewrecipeI’mworkingon:SpicyHoneyButterChicken.Here,trytheglazeandtellmeifit’sgood.”
Sheraisesthewoodenspoontomylips,andthemomenttheglazehitsmytongueIdecidenootherfoodwilleverliveuptoit.“Thisisitforme,”Isaysolemnly.“Mypeakfoodexperienceendswiththisrecipe.”
Maddielaughsandhipchecksme.“You’retoonice,though.Youwouldnevertellmeifitwasbadanyway.”
“Nottrue.Iwouldjustgetreallyquietandcomplimenttheinitiativeyouputintoit.Eitherway,Ireallydoloveit.”
ItakeaseatatthebarandgrazeontheappetizerMaddiewhippedup.Spinach-artichokedip.It’sglorious.Heavenly.Iamundeserving.
“Howwasyourday?”sheasks,comingovertodunkachipinthediptoo.Hereyessquintupslightlyaftershetakesabite—tryingtofigureoutwhatit’slacking.It’slackingnothing.She’sjustaperfectionistwhenitcomestoherfood.
Herquestionsparksaseriesofmemories.Willclimbingintomyroom.Thedevastatingpressofhismouthagainstmine.Andthenwakingupinhisarms.
Alldaymymindhasbeenplayingthatkissingsessionoverandoveragainbutaddingnewfantasticaldetailswitheverypass.Likeinsteadofbeinginmyroom,Willenterstheshopafterfightingoffseveralhenchmen.Adropofblooddripsdownhischeekfromasmallcutacrosshisfaceleftbyasword.Naturally,Irushtohissideandpullhimintotheshop,whereItendtohiswound.Hestaresdownintomyeyes,Istareupintohis,andthenourkissexplodeslikeacannon.Notsweetortimidbuthotandfrantic.
Iclearmythroat.“Itwasgood.Howaboutyou?”
“Goodtoo.Justspentthedayonlineshoppingforourtripnextweek.Hey—inunrelatednews,howlongisitmorallyacceptabletowearanoutfitwiththetagsstillattachedbeforereturningitbecauseyou’retoobroketoactuallyaffordit?Wait!Don’tanswerthat.You’lltellmetoreturnitimmediately,butIdon’twantto.”
MaddieandEmilyarefinallygoingontheirMexicotripwiththeirteacherfriends.Ikeeptellingmyselfthat’stheonlyreasontheydidn’tinviteme—it’sateachers-onlytrip.Butsomehow,instinctively,Iknowit’sbecausethey’reassumingIwouldn’twanttogo.TheythinkI’msupergluedtothistownlikeNoah.AndprobablyassumeI’dbeabuzzkilltoo.
It’sfine,though.Icouldn’tgoevenifIwantedto,whatwithhowmuchflowerprepI’mdoingforAmelia’sweddingandhowbusytheshophasbeenlately.NottomentiontheselessonswithWill.
MystomachswoopsasithaseverytimeIthinkofhim.It’slikeI’monaconstantrollercoaster.IneedmybodytohurryupandgetusedtohispresencebecauseIcan’ttakemuchmoreofthesebutterflies.
Midchiptomouth,ourfrontdooropensandEmilystormsin.“You!”sheyells,pointingatme.“YouandWillGriffinhaveathinggoingonandhesleptinyourroomlastnightandyoudidn’ttellus!”
“What?!”Maddiesqueals,hoppingdownfromthebarintoanimmediatebattlestance.“We’vebeeninheretalkingforfivewholeminutes!Iaskedhowyourdaywas,andyousaid,‘Itwasgood.’Good!Whenthefirstthingoutofyourmouthshouldhavebeen,‘Oh,hey,sis,IgotlaidbythehottestbodyguardtoevergracePeoplemagazine,andI’mnolongeravirgin!’?”
“Firstofall,I’dneversay‘laid.’?”
Emilythrowsherpurseonthekitchencounter.Itmakesaloudthud,andIknowit’sbecauseshehasthethingsoloadeddownwitheverythingshecouldeverpossiblyneed(includingafirstaidkitandemergencywaterbottle).“Thatmanwasunderourrooflastnightinyourbeddefloweringyou,andyouneverthoughtweshouldknow?I’mdisowningyou!Ican’tbelieveIhadtohearitfromHoldenJonesthatWillwassneakingoutofyourwindowatsunrise!”
Iraisemybrows.“Holden?Wow.Madeitallthewayovertothelibrary?”
“Yes.AndhehearditfromCathyBryant—”
“Leenow.Shegotmarriedlastmonth,remember?”
“WhohearditfromHarrietwhenshewasspoutingoffaboutyourdecayinghussy’ssoulinthemarket,whohearditfromTerry,whosawthewholethingwithhisowneyeswhenhewasmakinghismorningnewspaperroundsandcaughtsightofWillclimbingoutofyourwindow!”Emilyisfuming.Shehatesbeingthelasttohearaboutanythingconcerningussiblings.Ihalfexpecttofindatrackerplantedonmypersononeday.
Iwouldopenmymouthtorevealthetruth,butIknowit’snouse.Mysistersneedtogettheirwordsoutfirst,orthey’llcombust.“HarrietsaidwhataboutAnnie?”saysMaddie,hersoftivoryskinturninganiceshadeofreddishpurple.
“Don’tworry,Ialreadywentbythemarkettogiveherapieceofmymind.ButMabelbeatmetoit.ShewaslayingintoHarrietwhenIwalkedin,soIjustgrabbedthedishwasherpodsweneeded,signedthepetition,paid,andcamehome.”
Myearsperkup.“I’msorry—whatpetition?”
“Youhaven’tseenit?ThetownputtogetherapetitiontovoteonyourandWill’srelationship,”saysEmily.“It’sactuallywaymoreextensivethantheonetheydidforPaulandthatwomanhewasdatingforawhile.Thisonehasanentirefactslistattachedforwhyy’allaren’twellsuitedforarelationship.”Emilyfinallynoticesthedipandslidesontothestoolbesidemetodigin.Iscootthebowlalittleclosertoher.
“Wait,wait,wait.It’sarelationshipnow?”Maddiedivesherhandthroughherhair.“Myheadisspinning.AreyoutellingmethatyouandWillaredating?YouweretooshytotalktoHotBankTeller,soyoubypassedhimandwentstraightforSexyBodyguard?Ineedallthedetails.”
Mysistersstareatmeexpectantly.IknowthatthisisthemomentIshouldtellthemthetruth.IshouldburstoutlaughingandexplainthatWillisjustmypracticeperson.Butforsomereason,thewordswon’tcomeout.Becauserightnow,mysistersarelookingatmelikeI’mtheoppositeofboring.LikeI’mmaybe…fascinating.LikeI’mnottheirsweetbabysister,andmaybethere’smoretomethantheyrealized.
AndI’mnotreadyforthatlooktofadewhenItellthemIwasn’ttooshytotalktoHotBankTeller,thathe,infact,thoughtIwastooboringtodate,soWillisjustbeingkindandhelpingme.
Andthat’swhyIlie.
“Yeah.It’snotabigdeal,”Isay,lookingdowntoscoopanotherchipinanattemptatlookingcasual.“Hecameintotheflowershoptheotherday,andwehititoff,and…nowwe’re…dating.”Ohgosh.WhatareyoudoingAnnie?Willisnevergoingtogoforthis.“It’sjustcasual,though.Couldendanydayreally.”
“Casual?”Emilyrepeatswithaquizzicalfrown.
“Uh-huh.”
“Annie,”Madisonsays,likeshe’sgentlytryingtotellmethepeopleI’mseeingintheroomaren’treallythere.“Youdon’tdocasual.You’reMonicaintheepisodeofFriendswheresherevealsherweddingscrapbook.Youandcasualdonotbelonginthesamesentence.”
“Well,wedonow.”Itipashoulderlikeit’snobigdeal.ButevenIknowthatwhatI’msayingisaverybigdeal.It’salsountrue.IfeelatugofdisappointmentasIdenybeingtruetomyself,butIsquashthatfeelingundermyConversesneakersbecausewhathasbeingtruetomyselfgottenmebesidesblownoffinthemiddleofadate?
Mysisterslookateachother—obviouslyfreakedoutbythisdeviationincharacteranduncertainhowtocontinue.
“Huh,”Maddiesays.
“SoyouandWillcan…what?Seeotherpeople?”asksEmily,testingme.
“Yep.”
“Andyou’reokaywiththat?”
Ishrug.“Ofcourse.Themorethemerrier!”
Nope.AndI’malsoalittleworriedathowthethoughtofWill(themanwhoisnotmyrealboyfriend)datinganyoneelsesendsaboilingsurgeofjealousythroughmybody.
Apparently,thatwasabridgetoofarbecauseMaddieandEmilysharealook.Oneofthelooksthatalwaysmakesmefeelsomadtobeexcludedfrom.TheonethatIcanneverunderstandthemeaningof,buttheyseemtocomprehendperfectly.HowisitpossibletoshareDNAwithsomeoneandstillfeelso“other”fromthem—andyetstilllovethemwithmywholeheart?It’stoomessy.
Theyturntomeandcrosstheirarms—ahabitwe’vealladoptedfromNoahforwhenwemeanbusiness.“Allright.Fessup.What’sgoingon?DidyouandWillactuallysleeptogetherlastnight?”
Myshouldersslump.“Fine.Heslepthere,butnothinghappened.Infact,Idon’tthinkanythingwilleverhappenbetweenus.”
Madisonmeltsdramaticallytothefloor,pretendingtoweepasshesays,“Annie.You’rekillingme.You’reliterallymurderingmeslowly.Pleasestartfromthebeginning!”
Ugh.Herewego.Thetruth.
“Okay,okay,okay.Ameliasetthewholethingup.Willismydatingcoachforafewweekstohelpmepracticebecause…”BecauseIwentonadateanditwasadisasterandI’mboring.Nope.Stillcan’tbringmyselftotellthemthatpart.They’lllaugh.Orthey’llmakeajokeaboutAngelAnniebeingtoosaintlyforabankteller.Orevenworse,theywon’tbesurprisedatall.“BecauseI’mreadytostartdatingseriously,butI’mnervous.He’sjusthelpingmegetoverthenerves.”Idon’tmentionhowdatinglessonshavemeltedintosomethingelseentirely,though.AndIdon’ttellthemaboutthetattooorhowWillhasofferedtohelpwithanyotherkindofpracticeIwantbecauseallofthatfeelstoopersonal.Asmisguidedasitmightbe,itfeelslikesomethingspecialbetweenmeandWill,andIdon’twanttoincludeanyoneelseinit.
Emilyfrownslightly—herever-presentmommodetryingtocarefullydissecteverypossibleobstacleIwillhavetoovercomeandthendeterminewhetherI’memotionallystrongenoughtohandleasituationlikethis.
Maddieleansherhipagainstthecounter.“Pleaseatleasttellmeit’slikeasexydating-coachthing?Likey’allaregoingtopracticehavingsextoo?”
“No,it’snotasexydating-coachthing.”ButwhenI’mconfrontedwithmemoriesofmeandWillmakingoutinmybedlastnightIrealizethatstatementisn’ttotallytrue.Butitstopswithkissing.NosexwillbehappeningbetweenmeandWillbecauseasI’mrealizinginthelightofday,thatwouldonlycomplicatewhatevermissionI’montofindahusbandormyselfor…ugh,Idon’tknow.Itjustwouldn’tbegood,okay?!Ihavetostopthinkingaboutit.
“Sowhatdoyoupractice?”
Ishrug.“Justlikeregularstuff.Dateystuff,youknow?Goodtopicstobringupondates.Howtoflirt.Thosesortsofthings.”
Madison’snosewrinkles.“Oh.Iguessthatmakesmoresense.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask,havingabadfeelingthatIalreadyknowtheanswer.
ShelaughslightlybecauseshethinksI’minonthisjoke.“It’syou;andit’sWillGriffin!Youguysarepolaropposites.He’sallsexy-fun-adventure,andyou’reourquietsweet-little-introvert.I’mjustsayingit’sprobablyforthebestthatyouguysaren’treallydatingbecauseyou’dratherbeinsideonaFridaynightreadingabook,andhe’dprobablybedrunkinaclub.”
SheandEmilylaugh,andItrytomusterone,too,butallthatcomesoutisaweakattemptatasmile.
“Whichisn’tabadthingatall.It’sjustwhoyouare.Ourtenderheartedsweetiepie,”Emilyadds,layingherheadonmyshoulderandsqueezingaffectionallyaroundmywaist.“Butlisten,Ifullysupportyourendeavortogetcomfortableatdatingsoyoucanfindsomeonerightforyou.Maybethisfallwe’llhaveanewstudentenrollwithasingledadwithaheartofgoldandlotsoflovetogive.”
“Oooh,”Madisonsays,lightingup.“That’sperfectforAnnie!Browniepointsifhe’sadoctor.”
“Apediatricdoctor!”Emilyadds.
“Apediatricdoctorwho’swaitinguntilmarriagetohavesexagainandalsohasanonprofithelpingstraypuppiesontheweekend!”
Ican’tdecidewhomakesmefeelmoreupsetrightnow.MysistersforonceagaintellingmewhoIamandwhatIwant—ormeforsmilingandnoddingwhiletheydo.Ilovemysisterssomuch—whichiswhyithurtstonotfeelseenbythematall.Ijustwanttobetheirfriendandnottheirbabysisterallthetime.Iwanttobevaluedandtakenseriously.ButhowdoIdothatwithoutopeninganentirecanofslimy,messyworms?OrpotentiallyhurtingthemwhenItellthemthey’vebeeninadvertentlyhurtingmeforyears?Idon’twanttoseemwhinyorfragile.
AndpleaseexplaintomewhyIcan’tforthelifeofmepicturemyselfstandingnexttothemantheyjustdescribed,butIcanperfectlypictureamanwithapairofmischievousblue-grayeyes,atiltedsmile,andtattooshoveringovermeinmybedashekissesmymouthagainandagainfortherestofmylife.
Crap.CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR
Monday
Will:ThetownstillholdingupwhileI’vebeenaway?
Annie:Whoisthis?
Will:It’sWill.Weliterallyexchangedphonenumbersjustlastnight.
Annie:Sorry.Ithinkyouhavethewrongnumber.
Will:Seriously?
Annie:No.Iwasjustmessingwithyou.
Will:Haha,funnygirl.
Annie:Everythingisholdingup.Butthesceneryisoddlyalotlesshot.
Will:AnnieWalker.Areyou…flirtingwithme?
Annie:Maybe.Ormaybethisisaforty-year-oldman’snumberandI’mcatfishingyou
Will:Ifyouareadude,areyouatleastsexy?
Annie:Howdoyoufeelaboutloaferswithlittletasselsonthefront?
Will:*Bitesfist*
Tuesday
Will:Haveyouseenthepetitionyet?
Annie:OMG,you’veseenitalready?!I’vebeenallworkedupworryingabouthowtotellyou.Iwasafraidyou’dbeupset.
Will:WhywouldIbeupset?
Annie:Becausethetownthinkswe’reacoupleandisvotingagainstit.
Will:Again.WhywouldIbeupset?I’mclearlygettingthebetterendofthestickinthisscenario.You’retheonedatingadebauchedbodyguard.
Annie:Debauched!!Whatagoodword.
Will:Learneditfromyourpirateromancebook.Ilikeit.
Annie:Itsuitsyou.Butdon’tworry,I’llsetthewholetownstraightwiththetruthonebyone.
Will:Or…
Annie:Or???
Will:Wecouldnotsayanything.Andjustletthembelievewhattheywanttobelieve.YousaidyouwantedeveryonetostopseeingyouasSweetAngelAnnie…thismightbejustthethingtodoit.
Annie:You’ddothatforme?
Will:I’mquicklylearningI’ddoanythingforyou.
Wednesday
Annie:Hi.
Will:Hi.Whachadoing?
Annie:*Pictureofboutonniereoptions*
Annie:Whichonedoyoulikebetterforthegroomsmen?
Will:Theoneontheleft.
Will:WhileI’vegotyou…
Will:*Pictureofpalmtreeandblueskyoverhead*
Will:Attheriskofsoundingalittletoopoeticandsappy,thecolorofCalifornia’sskyisthesameblueasyoureyes.
Annie:Oof.Thatwassappy.
Will:Dammit.Ithoughtso.
Annie:I’llletitslidethisonetime.
Will:Changingsubjectnow.HaveyoueverbeentoL.A.?
Annie:Nope.Ihaven’ttraveledmuch.
Will:That’sadamnshame.YouneedtocometoCalifornia,Annie.Somanycoolflowershops.You’dloveithere.
Annie:Iwantto,butI’mscaredofflying.Andgoingtonewplaces.Andmeetingnewpeople.
Will:Myofferstandstoholdyourhand.
Annie:Idolikeyourhands.
Annie:Ohwow.PretendIdidn’tsaythat.I’msuperembarrassednow.GAH!Whyistherenounsendbutton.
Will:Ilikeyourhands,too,Anna-banana.
Thursday
Annie:Ihadthefunniestdreamaboutyoulastnight.
Will:Funny?Hmm.I’dprefersexy.
Annie:Well,youdon’tgettochoose.AndthisonewasfunnybecauseyouandIwereinhighschooltogether,andIkeptfailingthesametestoverandoversoyouwrotetheanswersoutformeonapieceofpaperandgavethemtome.
Will:SoundslikesomethingI’ddo.Didwegetcaught?
Annie:Yes.AndthenwehadtospenddetentioninHarriet’sBiblestudy.
Will:Yikes.
Annie:Didyouevercheatinhighschool?
Will:No.
Will:Itwassortofhardtocheatinawolfpack.Ourtestsconsistedofpreyingonotheranimalsandthebestwaytolickyourcoatclean.
Annie:Areyounevergoingtotellmeanythingaboutyourchildhoodorteenyears?
Will:Iwasshorterbackthen…
Annie:You’reimpossible.
Will:Thankyou:)CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVEAnnie
Itwirlalong-stemmedrosebetweenmyfingersasIleanagainsttheworktableattheflowershop,butmymindisn’there.It’sstuckinanalternateworldwhereasexy,funny,outgoingmanismyboyfriend.Andthenthere’sthetexts.IknowIshouldn’treadtoomuchintothem,butthosetextshavefeltmeaningfulthisweek.Lastnighthetextedmebeforebed,just:Goodnight.
Thatwasit.
It’ssoconfusing.Hesaysheisn’trelationshipmaterial,andthenhegoesandtextsme“Goodnight.”
IjabtheroseintothebouquetI’massemblingandtellmyselftogetagrip.Itdoesn’tmatterwhetherhewantsarelationshipornot.I’mnotintohimlikethat.There’sabsolutelynofeelingsstirringupinme.AnythingIfeelsofarisjustattraction.Imeanwhowouldn’tbeattractedtoWillGriffin?It’sgottobealawofnatureorsomething.Nothingtoworryabout—butIdefinitelyneedtokeepmyheadonstraightandremindmyselfthatallthekissingandcuddlingandtextingisjustapartoftheprocessofmytransformation
He’sFredandI’mAudrey.Butinourmovie,thecreditswillrollaftermytransformationiscompleteandI’vefoundthewholenessI’vebeenlookingfor.Romancesubplot,removed.Admittedly,itwouldbeeasiertopicturethisanalogyifWillweren’tsofreakinghot.Ineedtodrawsomewrinklesonhisfaceandstraphimintapshoesandhigh-wastedtrousers.That’llcuremyattraction.
Myattentiongoestotheshopdoorwhenthebellringsandanice-lookingmanstepsinside.
“Hi!LetmeknowifIcanhelpyouwithanything,”Isaywhilecontinuingtomesswiththebouquet.Itrynottocrowdshoppersbecausenoonelikesahoveringsalesassociate.
“Thanks,”saysthemanandimmediatelyItakenoteofhisvoice.It’sanicevoice.Andbecauseitcaughtmyattention,Itrytodiscreetlyassesshimashewandersaroundtheshop.
Nicelightbrownhaircroppedclosetohisheadbutwithenoughplayonthetoptostyleit
Awell-groomedbeard
Button-downcasualdressshirt
Nicejeans
Clearlyworksout
Noweddingring
Helooksupandcatchesmelooking,soI’mforcedtosaysomething.“Um,thosepremadebouquetsarehalf-price.”
“Great,”hesayswithaneasysmile.“Thanks.”
ThearrangementI’mworkingonismissingsomething.Itlooksniceandall,butIthinkit’slackingastandoutelement.Somethingthatgrabsmeanddoesn’tletmelookaway.Somethingexciting.It’smissingadangerousblackrimarounditsirises…andwait,I’mnotthinkingaboutflowersanymore,amI?
Ibarelyrefrainfromgroaningintomyhands.OfcourseIwouldbethinkingaboutWillwhileahandsome(possiblysingle)manisroamingaroundmyflowershop.
“Hey,couldIgetyouradviceonsomething?”themanasks,approachingmeattheworktable.
“Ofcourse!I’dbehappytohelp.”
Hefrowns,lookingaroundtheshop.“Whatsortofbouquetisappropriatetobuyforawomanwhojusthadababy?”
Oh.
He’sadad.
Well,that’sthat.
“Actually,forasister-in-lawwhojusthadababy,”heamendslikemaybehesawmyfaceandwantedtoclarify.
Thingsarelookingupagain.
Iwalkaroundtheworktableandgotothefarcorner,whereIhaveafewfreshlyassembled,colorfulflowers.“Ithinkanyofthesewouldbeperfect.They’rebeautifulbutnotover-the-top.”
“Great.”Heleansinandselectsone—treatingmetoasniffofhiscologne.Anditiscologne.Hedefinitelyownsafancybottleofsomethingcinnamonlikeandspritzesitonce—maybetwice—beforeheleavesthehouse.
IthinkIlikeit.OrIcouldlikeit.
Itdoesn’tsmellanythinglike…
No!Notfinishingthatabsurdthought.NowismychancetousealittlebitofthenewfoundconfidenceI’vebeenpracticing.
“Soareyoufromaroundhereorjustinforavisit?”Isay,wonderingifthishasbeenanappropriateamountofeyecontact.
“I’veactuallyjustmovedtotown.Orthetownover,tobeexact.Myfamilylivesaroundhere,andIfeltreadytosettledown.SoImovedmyclinichereandboughtahouse.”
Thisisstartingtofeellikealotofeyecontact.Toomuch.Ohgosh,Ineedtolookaway.AndpleasetellmewhyIneverhavethisissuewithWill?WithhimIneverwanttolookaway.
Itakehisbouquettothecountertoringitup.“Oh,areyouadoctor?”
“Veterinarian,”hesays,andthatearnsanotherding,ding,dingsoundinmybrainbecauseIloveanimals.Evenbetter—amanwholovesanimalstoo.Andhe’sapparentlyafamilymanwhoislookingtoputdownroots!Mysisterswoulddefinitelybegivingmeathumbs-uprightnowandtellingmetogoforit.
“That’sgreatnews!”Isayalittleoverthetop.
“Ohyeah?Doyouhaveanyanimals?”
“Well…no,butit’sgreatnewsforeveryoneelsewhodoes.”Helaughsandhandsmehiscreditcard.“BrandonLarsdale,”Isay,shamelesslyreadingthenameonhiscreditcardoutloud.
“Nofair.Idon’tgettoscanyourcreditcardtolearnyourname.”
Ismileupathim,feelingmycheeksturnpinkinawaythatIreallywishtheywouldn’t.Ithinkhe’sflirtingwithmenowtoo—andthefamiliardiscomfortoftalkingtoanewguyissettlingoverme.Mustpushthrough.“I’mAnnieWalker.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Annie.”Hepausesonlybrieflyashepicksuphisbouquetfromthecounter.“Listen,Irealizethisisreallyforwardofme,but…youdon’thappentobesingle,areyou?”
Myhearttrips.Isheabouttoaskmeout?Isthisreallyhappening?DoIwantittohappen?
Also,whatconstitutes“single”?Ifyouaskanyoneinthetown,theywouldsayI’mdatingadangerous-lookingbodyguard.Butthat’snotreal,Annie.
“Iamsingle,”Isayandthenrealizemychinislifted.Ipromptlylevelit
Brandonsmiles.“Well,then,wouldyoubeinterestedingoingoutsometime?Iknowwejustmet,andthiscouldcomeacrossassupercreepy,sonopressure.Also,I’monInstagramifyouwanttolookmeuptomakesureI’mlegit.”
Ishouldsayyes.Sayyes,Annie!He’stickingalltheboxessofar,andifIwanttogetmarried,Ihavetogoonadateagain.ButIdon’twanttoenduponadatewithsomeonewho’sonlylookingtohookupattheendofthenight,becausenomatterhowamazingmakingoutwithWillhasbeenlately,I’mrealizingI’llneverbethefirstdatehookupkindofperson.Andmaybethat’sokay?
Honestly,thiscouldbeperfect.Iwantedtopursuebothpaths(one,beingdating,andtheother,givingintoself-indulgence)inhopesoffiguringoutwhichonebringsmethepeaceI’vebeenlookingfor—anditlookslikeoneofthosepathsiscurrentlyilluminatedwithablinkingsignaboveitreadingWalkThisWay
Idecidetothrowoutthetruthtoseeifthismanwillbeawasteofmytimeornot.
“Ineedtobeupfrontwithyou,Brandon.I’mnotlookingforanythingcasual.”
Hissmilegrows.“Meneither,actually.”Brandonreachesintohisbackpockettofishouthiswallet.“Here,”hesays,andthentakesoutaveryofficial-lookingbusinesscardwithhisveterinaryclinic’slogoandinformationonit.“Doyouhaveapen?”
Ihandhimone,andhequicklyjotsdownanumberontheback.“Thisismycell.Textmeifyouthinkyou’dliketogoout.Orifyoujustwanttotalkandgettoknoweachother.”
“Okay,Iwill.Thankyou,”Isaytakinghiscardandgivinghimonemoresmilebeforeheturns,tellingmetohaveanicedayandhehopesweseeeachotheragain.
Thesecondhe’soutthedoor,Idropthecardonthecounterlikeit’sapoisonousleaf.
“Well,”Isay,rubbingthebackofmyneckasIstaredownatthelittlerectangularcard.“Thisisunexpected.”CHAPTERTWENTY-SIXAnnie
Hank’sislitonFridaynights.Thewholetowncomesouttolinedanceanddrinkandsocialize.Ifyou’renotatHank’sonaFridaynight,you’reacertifiedloser.It’swhyevenImanagetoturnup.(AndIenjoybeinghere,sothere’sthat.)
I’vedonethisenoughtimestoknowhowtomanageit,though.Hank’sisoneofmycomfortspots.Meandmysistersshowupalittleearlierthanmost—somewherearoundseven,drinkafewbeersandcatchuponourweekseventhoughweseeeachotherliterallyeverydayandknownearlyallofeachother’sbusinessatalltimes.But…IguessIhavethingstheydon’tknowaboutrightnow.Whydoesthatsendsuchathrillthroughme?
ItsuddenlymakesmewonderiftheyhavethingsIdon’tknowabouttheirlivestoo.
Iglancearoundthetable,assessingmysisterswithfresheyes.Sherlockeyes.Whataretheyhiding?OntheoutsideEmilylooksnormal.Herblondehairisparteddownthemiddle,tuckedneatlybehindherears,curlsshecreatedwithherwandthismorningarebrushedoutintosoftlusciouswaves.Butherstrongfeatures,highcheekbones,andknowingeyesremindyouthatshecouldkickyourbuttinasecond.Emilyisourfierceprotector.Althoughmygrandmaraisedus,attheendoftheday,shestillfeltlikeagrandmamorethanamotherfigure.ButEmilyalwaysfeelsmorelikeamomthanasistertome.I’veneverknownanyonetokeepitalltogetherlikeshedoes.Andincaseanyoneneedsanymoreconvincingthatshe’safiercequeen,Emilyhastaughtsecondgradefornineyearswithtwentyormorechildreninclasseachtime.Superherostatus.
Sowhatisshehiding?I’veoftenwonderedwhyshehasn’tmarried.It’snotforalackofmentrying,butasfarasIknow,she’sonlyeverlovedoneperson.Herhighschoolsweetheart.Noneofusreallyknowwhathappenedthere.Itwasallveryhush-hush.Onedayhewastheloveofherlife,andthenext,hewaspackinguphistruckandleavingRomeforgood.IrememberEmilyspendinganentiretwenty-fourhourscryinginherroom,andthenshewipedhertearsandnevermentionedhimagain.Didn’tletusmentionhimeither.
Andthenthere’sMadison.Justlookather.AspriteifI’veeverseenone.Aspunkylittlebrunettewithabouncyshoulder-lengthhaircut,wildbrowneyesthatarealwaysseekingtrouble,andasmalladorablenosethatisalltooboopable.Maddielookslikeasugarcookie,yetshe’swildtohercore.
Butshe’shidingsomething,I’mconvinced.Shelooksatmeandsmiles,Ismileback.I’montoyou,lady.Sowhatisit?Hatesherjob?No,wait,that’snotasecret.MadisonhasalwaysbeenquicktofollowinEmily’sfootsteps,evenwhentherestofuscanseeit’sclearlywrongforher.MadisonalsoteachessecondgradeatthesameschoolasEmily,butshecomplainsaboutherjob90percentofthetime—usuallywhileanger-cookingussomethingfantasticinthekitchen.
So…Madison,what’syoursecret?
“Annie,areyouokay?”Emilyasks.“Yoursmileissupercreepy.”
Iwipemyfaceblank.“Iwasthinkingabouta…movieIjustwatched.”
“Wasitamovieaboutaserialkiller?Becausethosearethevibesyou’reputtingout.”
Iscoff.“Itwasclearlynotaserialkiller’ssmile.Youguysjustdon’tknowyoursmiles.”
Ameliasuddenlypopsovermyshoulderandpullsoutachairatthetable,slightlyoutofbreath.“Hiya!I’mbackfromL.A.!Whohasaserialkiller’ssmile?”
“Anna-banana.”
Ameliagrinsandsettlesintothechair.“It’salwaysthequietonesyouhavetowatchoutfor.”
WithAmelia’spresencecomesaspikeinmybloodpressure,becauseifAmeliaisbackintown,thatmeansWillisbacktoo.I’mmoreconfusedaboutthatmanthanever.HeandIhavebeentextingnonstopsincehelefttownaweekago.Andtheweirdpartis—Imisshim.Alot.
I’mnotsupposedtomisshim.He’smyno-strings-attachedpracticeperson.It’snotsupposedtobedifficulttokeepmyfaceforwardratherthancraningmynecktoseeifhe’sanywhereinthisbar.
AndthenNoahstepsup,tosseshiskeysonthetable,bendsdowntokissthesideofAmelia’sneckinalingeringnot-safe-for-workway,andthentellsherhe’sgoingtograbthemdrinksfromthebar.HereyesgivehimthemostI’m-desperately-in-love-with-youlookashewalksaway,andallofussistersnotice,sharingaknowingsmirk.I’llbetallmymoneythattheyleavethisbarearlytonight.
Amelianoticesusgigglinglikeschoolgirlsatherexpense,andherfaceturnsbeet-red.“Stop!Allofyou.Stopitrightnow!”
We’realllaughingobnoxiouslynowasMadisonmakesover-the-topmaking-outgestures.Ameliathrowsherhandsoverhereyes.“Y’allaresomean.You’renotsupposedtopointoutstufflikethat.”
“HardtomissitwhenNoahischompingonyournecklikethat,”Isay,takingasipofmybeer.
Ameliapeeksoverherhandstoflashmeaplayfullyoffendedface.“Youtoo?MysweetAnnieisgoingtostabmeinthebacklikethat?”
IreachoverandfixAmelia’ssweater,whichisalittleaskew.“Sorry.Yourbodyguardisbeingabadinfluenceonme.”
Maddiegrinsandraisesherbeerinatoast.“Andspeakofthedevil.”Shenodsovermyshoulder.
Mystomachleapsintomythroatandtap-dances.Idon’tneedtoturntorealizehe’shere.Icanfeelhim.Thetemperaturechanges,theairgrowsthick.(Whichshouldn’tbehappeningbecausehedoesn’tmeananythingtome.)Remember,Annie,NoStringsAttached!“Oooh,hecansitwithusnowthathe’sofftheclock,andhe’sdatingAnnie,right?”Maddiesayswithwaytoobigagleaminhereyewhileairquotingtheworddating.Maddie’shandshootsupintheair,wavingfrantically.“Will!Yourwomanisoverhere!”
“Hush,Maddie!You’remakingthewholebarlook.”
Sheflashesaself-satisfiedexpressionthatletsmeknowthatwasheraiminthefirstplace.
Ican’ttakeitanymore.Ipeekovermyshoulder—justonequick,tinylittleglancetotheside.Butmyeyesinstantlyconnectwithhis,andIshootmygazeforwardagain,pulserushinginmyears.ThattinyglancewasenoughtotakeineveryinchofWill,andit’smakingeverythingworse.
Tonighthe’swearingblackjeans,whitesneakers,andadenimbutton-downshirtrolledupoverhisforearms.Hishairissortofpurposefullymessy,andhe’swearingablackwatchonhistattooedwrist.Helookstoogoodtobereal.AndnowthatIknowwhathisskinlookslikeandfeelslikeunderthatshirt—thewaythelinesofhistattoosaresubtlyraisedtoaddthemostdelicioustexture—myfaceheats
“Annie’sbeensavingyourseat!”Madisonsaysunhelpfully,makingmesounddesperateeventhoughIhadnoideahe’dbeheretonight.Iwidenmyeyestosignalhertocoolit,butshejustgrinshermischievoussmilebackatme.
AmeliapointsovermyshoulderatWill.“Okay!Rulesfirst.Youcanhangoutwithus,butyouhavetointeractlikeafriendandnotabodyguard.Nosubtlyprotectingme!”
AndthenWill’sbutterflyknucklesentermyvision,andmyskincurlsupwithtension.Ikeepmyeyesonthetable—handwrappedaroundmydrink.“Deal.Ifafightbreaksout,I’lluseyouasmyshield.”
Willtakestheseatbesideme,andhisshouldersaretoobroadforthissmallspace.He’salmosttouchingme.OutofthecornerofmyeyeIseehimlookatme.Icutmygazetohimforafractionofasecond,andhismouthsuggestsasmile—ahiddenone.Secrets.
“Annabell,”hewhispersmakingthehairsriseonthebackofmyneck.
“Wilfred.”
WegrinquietlyateachotheruntilMaddie’svoicebreaksthroughourmoment.“Hey,didyouseethelatestarticlesfloatingaroundaboutyoufromthisweek?”
“No.Itrytostayoffsocialmediaasmuchaspossible,”Ameliasays,andthenherexpressionturnsweary.“Butwhataretheysayingnow?”
Maddiechuckles.“Notyou,popstar.Him.”ShenodstowardWill.“There’safreshbatchofphotosofhimguardingyouatallofyoureventsfromthepastfewdays,andtheyarecallinghim…”hersmilegrows,“Asternbrunchdaddy.”
“Awhat?”Willasks,soundinghorrified.“Wait—doIwanttoknow?Itsoundsdisturbing.”
“What’sdisturbing?”Noahasks,finallymakinghiswaybacktothetable,andthistime,hehasJamesintow.
AmelialooksupatNoahashesetsdownabeerinfrontofher.“Willisasternbrunchdaddy.”
Noahlookslikehejuststeppedincowmanure.“Ican’tevenbegintoknowwhatthatis.”
James,however,takesachairfromthetablebesideusandwhipsitaroundtostraddleit,forearmsrestingontheback.HestealsoneofMaddie’sfries,earningherglare.“Asternbrunchdaddyisatermromancereadersusetodescribeacharactertype.It’swhenadudewholooksscaryisactuallyallsoftandsweettothepersonheloves.”
Noahlooksathimindismay.Actually,wealldo.
MadisonplucksthefryoutofJames’sfingers.“Stopactinglikeyou’reasuperprogressivemanwhoknowsaboutromance.YouonlyknowthatbecauseIshowedyouthearticletenminutesagoatthebar.”
Jamesshrugs.“ButIgetpointsforactuallylistening.”Hepausesandlooksupatmyscowlingbrother.“Actually…nowthatIthinkofit,Noah,you’rekindofasternbrunch—”
“Ifyousaytheworddaddyonemoretime,you’regoingtobescrapingyourteethoffthefloor.”
Jamespretendstoshiverwithdelight.“Iloveitwhenyougoallalpha.”
IwishIcouldsayI’menjoyingthisconversation,butthetruthis,I’mhardlylistening.ThemajorityofmyconsciousnessislaserfocusedontheplaceWill’skneeisrestingagainstmine.Asoft,yetalmostintentional,pressurethatItrynottooverthink.Butthethingaboutquietpeopleis,we’reonlyquietbecauseourbrainsaresobusyoverthinkingeverything.
Doesheknowhislegistouchingmine?Doeshewanthislegtobetouchingmine?Tactile,Annie.He’sjusttactile,remember?Themanneedstobetouchingsomethingatalltimes.He’sprobablytouchingEmily’slegontheotherside.Iglanceunderthetabletosneakapeek,butnope.Theirlegscouldfitanentirewatermelonbetweenthem.Andthenmygazeshiftstohishandrestingonhisthigh.Ihavethestrongesturgetoreachoverandrunmyfingeroverthewingsoftheintricatebutterfly.Totakethathandandputitbackonmyhipandtellhimtosqueezebecauseit’sthememoryofthattouchthatwilllikelyhauntmeuntilI’minmygrave.
Andthenhishandflexes,andIrealizeI’vebeencaughtstaring.Isuckinabreathandshootmygazeupandforward.Butinthecornerofmyeye,IcanseeWilllookingatme.HeturnsforwardabruptlywhenAmeliaaddresseshim.“Ibetyou’rewishingyou’dneversatdownrightaboutnow.”
Willlaughsandit’swarmandinviting.“Nah—Ikindaliketheabsurdness.Itmakesmemissmybrother.”
“Youhaveabrother?”sheasks.“HowdidInotknowthat?”
“Idon’tgettoseehimalot.Youknow…workingandallthat.”
ThelookonAmelia’sfacesaysshefeelspersonallyresponsibleforhislackoftimewithhisbrother,butIknowbetter.Iheardthehesitationinhisvoiceandtheblaséwayhedeliveredthatsentence—there’smoretherethatWilldoesn’twantunearthed.Ihavethedeepesturgetotakeashovelandgettodigging.
Willinterpretsherexpressiontoo.“Amelia,don’tworry.You’renotoverworkingme.”
Herfaceskewsup.“IfeellikeIam.Youneedabreak!Takeonenow.Startingtoday,nomoreworkinguntilafterthe—”
“LikehellIwill.Ilikeworking.It’swhatmakesmehappy.Now,enoughaboutme.Please.”Thismanreallyhatestalkingabouthimself.Hehasdeflectedanysortofpersonalrevelationsfromthedaywemet.AndyetI’vestillmanagedtounderstandhimmorethanhe’dlikemeto.Iknowthathekicksallthecoversoffwhenhesleepsbecausehisbodyheatsuptothetemperatureofthesun.Iknowthatheaddsextrasalttohisfries—andthathehatessoda.Iknowthathe’sanearlybirdandwakesupwiththesun.AndIalsoknowthatsomethinginhispasthurthimbecauseheusedtohideinamagnoliatreebutabsolutelywon’tdiscussit.Ithinkhehasscarshekeepssafelyhiddenbehindhischarm.
SuddenlyIrealizemyfamilyisallstaringatmelikeIhaveahornsproutingfrombetweenmyeyes.“What?”Iask,alarmrunningthroughmyvoice.
“Hejustsaidacussword.Whydoesn’thegetatallyinthesacrednotebook?”Emilyasks.
“Oh.Well,because…”IturnmyeyestoWillandcontemplateit.Theanswerspringstomymindimmediately,butIknowIcan’tsayitoutloud.BecauseIlikeitwhenhedoes.Soinstead,Ismile.Notevenmeaningto,really.AndWillsmiles,too,likehecanreadmythoughts.Likehe’srememberingoursecretstolenmomentstogetherintheflowershop,inmytruck,inmyroom—andthatjustmaybeheknowsmeindifferentwaysthanmysiblingsdo.“Hegetsonefreebie.”
Thatseemstoappeaseeveryoneenoughfortheirattentiontoturnawayfromme
“Speakingoffreebies!”Ameliastarts.“GuesswhatIbroughty’allbackfromL.A.”
ItuneoutasWillleansinclosetomyear.“IsitokaythatI’mhere?Ifigureditwouldbebecauseeveryoneinthetownthinkswe’redatingnow.ButmaybeIassumedwrong,andyouwanttokeepourhangoutsonthedown-low?”
Hmm,isitokaythathe’shere?Thathiswarmbreathiscaressingtheshellofmyearandmakingmyheadspin?Thatjustthenearnessofhimhasthebloodinmyveinspumpingwithfire?No.It’snotokay.AndIthinkit’sonlyfairthathemovefar,farawaybecausewhetherhemeanstoornot,he’sslowlywreckingmyplans.
“I’mgladyou’rehere,”Isaywithaquietgrin.“Andmyfamilyknowswe’renotreallytogethernow.Theyguessedittheotherday,sothere’snopressuretoactlikeitatthetable.”
“Hmm,”hesaysmakingadeepnoiseinhisthroat.“That’stoobad.”
AndsomethinghappenstomethatI’veneverexperiencedbefore.Theworldaroundmefallsaway,andforonce,I’mnotworriedwhatanyoneisthinkingofme.AllIknowisWill’seyesarefixedonmine,andhismouthiscurvingsoftlyandhishandisdroppingtomylegwhereitsplaysoutlikeit’sbeeninthatsamespotahundredtimesbefore.AndbeforeIknowit,I’mtippingforward.Hemeetsmeinthemiddleandourlipsbrush.
It’snotenough,though,andinstinctivelymyhandraisestoclutchthebackofhisneck,mybodycurvingtowardhisashishandcontractsagainstmythigh.Ourmouthsmoveandpressanditfeelssoright.Sohot—histouchburnsmefromtheinsideout.Ifeelthesubtleglideofhistongueacrossmymineandthat’swhenrealitygrabsmebythescruffofmyneck.Ohmygosh,we’remakingoutatthetableinfrontofmyfamily.Me!AnnieWalkerismakingoutinapublicsetting.IripmymouthawayfromWill’sandpatmylipswiththebackofmyhand.
Everyone—andIdomeaneveryoneinthisbar—iswide-eyed,staring.Theylooklikecartoonswithjawsunhinged.
Emilyspeaksfirstasalaughcoursesthroughhervoice.“Well,IthinkHotBankTelleriswishinghe’daskedyououtrightaboutnow.”
“What?”
MyeyesflyoverWill’sshoulder,andsureenough,Johnishere,watching—lookingjustasshockedaseveryoneelse.Ofcoursemysistersdon’tknowthatIactuallywentonthatdatewithJohnandthatitwasadisaster,sotheymoveonfromEmily’sstatementprettyquick.ButbecauseIdidgooutwithhimandhedamagedmyself-esteembyleavingmiddate,awholenewlayergetsaddedtothatpublicmake-outsessionwithWill.
Ididn’tdothattogetJohn’sattentionorproveanythingtohim—butknowingthathe’shavingtoeathiswords,thatmaybeI’mnotasboringorawkwardashesuspected,hasasurgeofjoyrocketingthroughme.ButwouldIhavekissedhiminpublic?WouldIhavefeltsafeenoughwithhimtoeverlethimtouchmethewayIletWill?Idon’tthinkso
Willnoticesmytriumphantexpressionandturnshisfacetoseewheremygazeislanding.AndIcanfeelthemomentallthedotsconnectforhim.Hisbodystiffensslightly,andwhenhelooksbacktome—hisfaceisalittletoovoidofemotion.“Thatwastheguy,right?”
Idon’tneedforhimtoexpound.“Yes.”
Henodsafewtimes.“Nice.Ithinkyousuccessfullymadehimjealous,”hesaysinalowvoicesotherestofthetablecan’thear.
“No,Will,that’s—”
“It’sexactlywhatIwouldhavedone.Greatjob.Allthispracticingispayingoff.”HegivesmeasmilethatfeelssofakeIwanttowipeitoffhisface.Ihatethatsmile.That’snothissmile.That’sashieldedself-preservationsmile.AnditonlyservestoremindmethatWilldoesn’twantmetoknowhim.Hepromisedmefromthebeginningthatthiswouldneverbeanythingmorethanpractice,andhe’sreestablishingthoseboundariesnow.
Ihatepractice.CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVENWill
It’sbeenafewdayssincethekissinthebarthatcompletelyshookme.No,I’mnotbeingdramatic,andnoI’mnotexaggerating.Idon’tthinkI’veeverthoughtaboutakissforlongerthantwentyminutesafterthefact.ButAnnie’skiss…thatonesoft,vulnerablekiss,hasbeenplayingthroughmyheadforthreedaysnow.ItwasperfectinawaythatIcan’tdescribe.Iknowthatpublicattentionishardforher,sotohaveherinitiatethatkissbecauseshewanteditwastoomuch.
Butthenshelookedovermyshoulder,andajealousyI’veneverknowngrippedme.Itwasforshow.Andofcourseitwas.Shedidn’tdoanythingwrong.Infact,likeItoldher,it’sexactlywhatIwouldhavedoneifsomeoneIwouldwanttomakejealouswasnearby.IjustwishIcouldsayitdidn’tstingtorealizeitmeantsomuchtome,andwasonlypartofamaneuveronherend.
Ithought…nevermind.Doesn’tmatter.
Postkiss,Iwenttothebarforabeer.ButifI’mbeinghonestwithmyself,IwenttomeetthejerksittingatthebarwhohadtheaudacitytoleaveAnnieinthemiddleofadate.
AndIknowhe’sajerkbecausewhenIwalkedupandorderedabeer,heaskedmeifAnnieandIwereexclusive.Foralongminute,allIcoulddowasstareathim.StareathimandimaginepunchingtheshitoutofhimbecauseheonlywantedAnnieafterhesawhermakeoutwithmeinpublic.He’snotthekindofmanwho’sgoingtosavorherortreatherwellorpeelbackherlayerstogainhertrust.He’slookingforaquickgoodtimewithher,andthat’stoomuchtostomach.
Butifthat’swhatAnniewants,it’snotmybusinesstogetinherwaynomatterwhatIthinkabouthim.SoIwashonest.“Nah—it’snotserious.I’llmostlikelybeleavingattheendofmonth.”Andforsomereason,sayingthatlastparthadeverymuscleinmybodytensing.
Hiseyebrowshadgoneupinalookofanticipationthatmademehatehimmore.“Really?”Hesmiledashetookadrinkofhisbeer.“Cool.IguessImisjudgedher.”
AndthenIhatedmyselfinthatmoment,too,becauseIfeltlikeadisrespectfulassholefortalkingaboutAnniewithoutherpresent.ForthrowinghertoasharkallbecauseI’mterrifiedtoadmitthatholdingherinmyarmsistheclosestI’vecometofeelingtrulyhappyinaverylongtime.Ididn’tevenknowIwaslackinghappiness.ButnowthatI’verealizedit,Icanpinpointitwithscaryaccuracy.
Idon’tknowwhatthismeansformenoworwheretogofromhere.Nowhere,maybe?
Andthat’swhyI’vebeenhidingandavoidingherthelastfewdays.IinventedabogusfanthreatandtoldAnnieIneededtostayparkedoutsideofAmelia’sstudiowhilesheworked,andthatwecouldn’tgointotown.EvenAmeliadidn’tquestionitbecausethiskindofthinghappensfromtimetotime.Ouragencykeepsaclosewatchonherknownstalkers,andwegetalertswhentheyareinacertainradiustoher.DoIfeelbadaboutaddingpotentialunnecessaryworrytoAmelia’slifebysuggestingsaidstalkerisnearby,no.BecauseI’mnotthegoodguy—eventhoughspendingtimewithAnniemakesmefeelremarkablyclosetoone.
Todaywe’reheadedintotown,though.Icouldn’tkeepupthepretensesofapotentialthreatmuchlonger.CurrentlyI’mescortingAmeliadownthesidewalktowardThePieShop.Thepaparazzisightingshavebeenprettyminimallately,andevennowIcanonlyspotonecarryingalonglensontheoppositesideofthesquare,butIspokewithmyagencylastnight,andtheypredictasteepriseoverthenexttwoweeksleadinguptothewedding.
I’minfullworkmodewhenwe’reoutinpublic,keepinganeyearoundusatalltimesforanypotentialthreat.ZeropercentofmybrainisfocusedonAnnieorwhatshe’sdoingorwhatherdayshavebeenfulloforwhyshehasn’teventextedmeatall.Andthat’swhenmyfoothitsadivotinthesidewalkandItrip,nearlybustingmyassonthepavementbeforeIcatchmyself.
“Holycrap,Will!”saysAmelia,stretchingoutahandtohelpmeup.Idon’tacceptherhandandinsteadpopuponmyownwithextraexuberance,brushingmyslightlyrawpalmsagainstmyjeans.“Areyouokay?I’veneverseenyoutripbefore.”
“I’mfine,let’skeepgoing.”
Amelia’smouthisopenandshelooksnearlaughing.“You’reblushing.I’veneverseenyoublusheither!Ididn’tknowyoucouldbeembarrassed.”NowsheislaughingandIhateherforit.Arewesuresheisn’tactuallymyannoyinglittlesisterafterall?
“Comeon,wedon’tneedtostandhere.Therearepaparazzioverthere.”WhomostdefinitelycaughtmyspectacularfalloncameraandwillpublishitASAP.Cool.JustthesortofimageIwantbuzzedaroundtheinternet.ClumsyBlushingBodyguard.
ThisisAnnie’sfault.AnotherreasonIneedtogetmyheadoutoftheclouds.Relationshipsinterfere.They’rebadforpeople.They’re—
“WherethehellisAnnie?”IaskAmeliawhenwepassherflowershopandseeaClosedsignonthedoor.
“She’ssick.”
“What?Sincewhen?”Myvoicesoundsalittletooeager.
Ameliapointstothelittlestickynoteonthedoor.It’sinAnnie’shandwriting.Onlyinatownthissmallwouldsomeoneleaveanotelikethis:“Outsick!BebackwhenIdon’tfeellikeIhaveplungersupmynoseanymore.”
IlooksharplytoAmelia.“Howlonghasshebeensick?”
“IthinksincethedayafterHank’s.”
Shit.Ihadnoidea.NowIfeelterrible.Thiswholetimeshe’sbeensick,andIhaven’tcheckedinonheratall.Wait.No.It’snotmyjobtocheckuponher.I’mherdatingcoach,notherboyfriendorhernurse.Ifitwereanyoneelseintheworld,I’dneverthinktwiceaboutsomeonehavingacold.Infact,I’dstayevenfartherawaysoIwouldn’tcatchanything.I’mjustgoingtoputheroutofmymindandseeherwhenIseeher.
Wewalkinsilenceafewsteps.
“Doyouthinkshehasafever?”
Ameliachucklestoherself.“Shedid…butIdon’tknowifshestilldoes.”
Itapmythumbonthesideofmythighandtrytostaysilentagain.“Ijustdon’tunderstandwhynoonetoldmeshewassick.”
Shepausesandturnstomewithlaughingeyes.“AndIdidn’trealizeIwassupposedtogiveyouupdatesonAnnie’sday-to-dayhealth.”
“Well,nowyouknow.Ialwayswanttobekeptintheloopabout…everyone’shealth.”
“Okay.NowIknow,”shesays,withdeepsatisfaction.WewalkafewmorestepsbeforeAmeliabreaksit.“Davey’ssonbrokehisarmlastweek.”
“Who?”Ifrowndownather.
“Youknow.LittleCharlie?”
“No.”
“AndMabelsaidshehadatickleinherthroattheotherday.Iwonderifshe’scatchingwhatAnniehas.”
Ibreathedeeplytocounteractmyannoyance.Iseewhatshe’sdoing.
“Oh—andIheardGemmaisgoingtohavetohavesurgeryforsomeofherbunionslaterthismonth!”
“Amelia.”
“What!”Shelaughs.“Ithoughtyouwantedtobekeptintheloopabouteveryone’shealth.I’mjustloopingyouinperyourrequest!”
Igroan.“Isaythiswithallduerespectassomeonewhoworksforyou—please,shutup.”
AssoonasIsaythis,NoahstepsoutofThePieShop.“Shedoesn’tknowhowto.Ithinkit’sphysicallyimpossibleforher,actually.”Hegrinsatherandshestepsintohisarms,anglingherfaceuptokisshim.Rightouthereinbroaddaylightwherethepaparazzigettheirfill.Thesetwodon’tcare,though—they’reinalovesickbubble.SosickthatNoahcameoutsidetogreetAmelialikeanovereagergoldenretriever.That’llneverbeme.
Amelialooksatmeoverhershoulderoncethey’refinishedwiththeirPDA.“Thanksforwalkingmein,Will.I’llbehereallafternoonwithNoahandthenridehomewithhim.Soyou’reofftheclockfortherestofthedaytogo…whereveryoulike—andsee…whoeveryou’dliketosee.”
Noahfrownslightly.“You’retalkingaboutAnnie,right?”
Shelightlypincheshimintheside.“Iwastryingtobesubtle.”
“Iloveyou,buttherewasnothingsubtleaboutthat.Leavehimaloneandcomebugmeinstead,”saysNoah,pullingAmeliaawayasshetriestostaremeintospillingmygutsonherwayintoThePieShop.
Onlywhenshe’soutofeyeshotdoIturnaroundandtakeoffjoggingdowntothemarket.
—
Isetaboxoftissuesonthecheckoutcounter,followedbyaboxofcoldmedicine,afewvarioustypesofhottea,andsomerandomproduce;andthenletmyeyestrailovertothetownpetition,tryingtostopmeandAnniefromdating.Sofar,it’slookinggrim.Threevotesinfavor(Mabel,Emily,andMadison)andoverahundredvotesagainst.Whydoesthatmakemystomachsink?
IshakeitoffandlookupintothemostterrifyingeyesI’veeverseen:Harriet’s.Thiswomanissevereandcalculatingatalltimes.Andshereallyhatesme.
“Hmm…coldmedicine,”shesaysinanoddway.
Inodandfishmywalletoutofmybackpocketasshebeginsscanningeverythingbesidesthecoldmedicine.
Suddenlyascratchyvoicesoundsfromtherightofmyshoulder.“Alotofcoldandfluproductsthere,William.Feelingundertheweather?”Mabel.She’severywhere.
“Uh—no,ma’am.”
“Thenwhydoyouneedallthiscoldmedicine,hmm?”saysHarriet,liftingherbrowstoherhairline.“Areyouplanningtomakedrugswiththem?”
IfrownatthesingleboxofTylenolCold+FluSevere.“Ithinkyou’rethinkingofthemedicinethatcontainspseudoephedrine.”
Hereyesnarrowonme,downtomytattoosandbackuptomyface.“Youwouldknow,wouldn’tyou?”
Thismakesmelaugh.Yes,mysleeveofintricateflowersandfoliagepairedwiththebutterflyreallyfallsintotheusualprofilingformethaddicts.Iwonderwhatthistown,orthegeneralpublicforthatmatter,wouldthinkiftheyfoundoutIwasthevaledictorianofmygraduatingclass.ThatIhadscoressohighandexcelledatsomanyextracurricularactivities(hello,scienceclub)thatIgotintoMIT.ThatIdidn’tevengoonmyfirstdateuntilIgraduatedfromhighschoolanddecidedIwastiredoflivingmylifetoperfectiononlyforittostillnothelpanything.
IlookbackatmyyoungerselfandcringerememberinghowIthoughtbringinghomestraightA’swouldhelpmyparentsfightless.Thatdoinglotsofextrachoresaroundthehouseandtakingcareofmyyoungerbrotherwouldremovesomestressfromthemsomaybethey’dactuallyenjoybeingaroundeachother.Yelllessandsmilemore.Nope.Instead,I
“Harriet,whatareyouthinking?You’rebeingsuspiciousaboutthewrongthing,”saysMabel,pushingherwayupbesidemetoputherhandsonherhips.“Themanisn’ttryingtomakedrugs,youding-dong.He’stryingtomakelove.”
“I’msorry—what?”Iask,butMabelisn’tpayingattentiontomeanymore.
“Don’tcallmeading-dong,youoldkook.Andthat’sevenworseifhe’stryingtomakelovetoaboxofmedicine.”
Ishakemyhead.“No—Icanassureyouboth,I’mnot—”
“Gross,Harriet.Nottothebox.ToAnnie!Thewomanhe’sdating.He’sclearlybuyingallthisshittotakecareofherbecausehelovesher.”
“No.Again,Idon’t—”
“Thattrue?”Harrietlooksupatme—tryingtodecideifI’mgoingtodounspeakablethingstothisboxofcoldmedicineornot.Ican’tdecidewhethershethinksthat’sbetterorworsethandoingitwithAnnieinstead.“AreyoutakingallofthistoourAnnie?”
Isigh,reallywishingIdidn’thavetobringthewholedamntownintothispoorlythought-outdecisiontotakecareofmyfakegirlfriend.“Yes.It’sallforAnnie.”
Shehumsasherlipspursetightlytogether.“Idon’treallytakeyouforanurturer.”
“Youandmeboth.Buthereweare,”Itellherinararemomentofvulnerability.
“Justaminute,William,”saysMabel,disappearingintoanaislebeforereturningwithanarmfulofingredientsandsettingthemonthecounterwithafirmnod.“I’mgoingtoteachyouhowtomakeherfavoritesoup.It’llcheerherrightupandgetyouafewextrabrowniepoints.”
DoIwantbrowniepoints?
Dammit,Ido.
IthankMabelwithasmileandthenturnbacktoHarriet.Mysmilefalls.Inearlyjumpfromthesternlookinhereyes.Likeshe’sslowlyextractingmysoulandweighingit.Silently,Harrietcomestosomesortofconclusionaboutme,andthengrabstheboxofcoldmedicineandbeginsscanning.
Bizarrely,Ifindmyselffeelingrelievedbythat.Maybeevenalittleproud.
There’sclearlysomethinginthewaterofthisdamntown.CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHTAnnie
Okay,Annie.Youcandoit.Youcangetyourbootyoffthefloorandgettoyourdoctor’sappointment.
ThisiswhatIgetforneedingwater.IthoughtbynowIhadtrainedmybodytonotneeditanymore—toliveonastrictcoffee-onlydiet—butno.Thelittleweaseldecidedtodefymeanddemandrehydration.
Afterdrinkingmyobligatorysipofwater,IthoughtIjustneededalittlerest,soIsatdownonthefloorinthekitchen,andthenthatturnedintolyingonthefloorofthekitchen,andnowhereIam…thirtyminuteslater,stilllyinghere,headpounding,earsfeelinglikesomeonetookabaseballbattothem,andnosesostuffyit’spossibleI’llneverbreathethroughmynostrilsagain.
MysistersleftfortheirMexicotripyesterday,andnowI’mwonderingifthisiswhereI’lldieandhowmysisterswillfindmewhentheycomehomeglowingandsuntannedfromthebeach.They’llhoverovermybodyandlaughthatIdiedwearingbanana-printunderwearandmatchingtanktop.Butit’snotmyfaultthatIcan’tsleepinPJbottoms,anditwastoohardtobendoverandpullthemonbeforewalkingintothekitchenbecausemybodyhasnoenergyleftfromexpendingitalltryingtobreathe.
ButIhavetogetup.Mustgetup.IhaveadatetomorrowwithBrandon—theguyfromtheflowershop.IvettedhimonInstagram,andthenwetextedafewtimesandsetupadateforSaturday,whichistomorrow.Sofar,Idon’tfeelexuberantsparkswhenwetalk,butI’msurethat’llcomelater.Noneedtoworry,Annie.Earlier,ImanagedtocallDr.Mackeyandgetanappointmentforthisafternoon,somaybeshecouldprescribesomethingtogetmebetterbeforethedate—buthowinthechickenpotpieamIgoingtogetthere?
Atthismoment,there’saknockonmydoor.Idon’tansweritbecauseI’monly50percentconscious.IthinkitmightactuallybeaburglarbecauseIheardthedoorknobjiggle,followedbyitsopening.Good.I’llaskhimforaridetothedoctor.
“Annie?”Avoicehoversoverme,andIcringebecauseIknowthatvoice,andIalsoknowthatI’mpantsless.Ihearathunkashedropstohisknees.“Shit,Annie.Talktome—areyouokay?”
“Will?Areyoukiddingme?”Icrackmyeyesopentofindtheworld’smostattractivemankneelingdownbesideme,lookingrelievedthatI’mnotdead.That’ssweet.
IknowIshouldfeelupsettoseehimwithoutmypants(especiallybecauseIknowhe’sbeenavoidingmesincethatmisinterpretedkissatHank’stheothernight),butinstead,Ifeeladeepsenseofpeace.“Iwasn’ttryingtomakehimjealous,youknow,”Isay,becauseI’vebeendyingtotellhimthetruthfordays.ButIdidn’twanttodoitoverthephone.
“Shh—it’sfine,Annie.”
HepushesmyhairbackandIcatchhiswrist.“It’snotfine.It’simportanttomethatyouknowitwasn’tagame.”
Willtakesinasoftdeepbreathandthennods.“Okay.”
Ismile—feelingahundredpoundslighternowthatthat’soffmychestandclosemyeyesagain.“Okay,nowleave.You’renotsupposedtoseemelikethis.”
“Likewhat?Pantsless?Wearingunderwearprintedwithlittleyellowbananacharactersonthem?”heaskswithacrookedgrin.“Cute.TheymatchyourPJs.”
Igroanandtossmyarmovermyeyes.“Leavemetodie.”
“That’soneoption.Butthenwhowouldserviceeveryone’sflowerneedsintown?”
“Thekeysareinmypurse.Theshopisyoursnow.Pleasedon’tgiveanyoneuglycarnationbouquets.”
Alowrumblylaughsoundsfromhischest,andallIwantistopressmyfacetoitandfeelthevibrationsagainstmycheek.“Idon’tloveflowersasmuchasyou.”
“Saysthemanwhohasthemtattooedonhisskinforeternity.”
“Goodtoknowyoustillhaveyoursenseofhumor.”Ifeelhishandrestovermyforeheadandhehisses.“Geez,you’reburningup.Haveyoutakenanythinglately?”
“No.Ican’tmove.Mybodydoesn’tworkanymore.”
Will’shandbrushesaffectionatelyovermyhairline,pushingmysweatyhairawayfrommyface.“Whydidn’tyoucallmetocometakecareofyou?OrNoah?”
Igrimace.“Andriskgettinganyofyousick?Noway.I’llbefine.Ihaveadoctor’sappointmentinanhour.”
“Good.Buthowdoyouplanongettingthere?”
“I’llhitcharideonthebackofaturtle.”
“Verypractical,”hesayswiththebacksofhisfingerslingeringagainstmyneck.“Let’sgetyouoffthefloor,sunshine.”
Sunshine.AmIhallucinatingordidWilljustcallmebythesweetestnamemyearshaveeverheard?
Will’sstrongarmsscoopundermybarethighsandback,liftingmeoffthefloorandcarryingmetomyroom,whereI’mdepositedgentlyonthebed.I’mimmenselygratefulforthegentlypartbecausemyheadfeelslikeit’sgoingtoexplode.IwouldbeabletoappreciateallofthistendernesssomuchmoreifIwasn’tneardeath.Unfortunately.
IhearWillshufflearoundthroughmyclosetforaminuteandthenreturntomyfeet.“Annie,I’mgoingtoslidethesepantsonyousoIcantakeyoutothedoctor,okay?Canyougivemeasignoflifethatit’sallrightformetohelplikethis?”
Igruntanaffirmative,andthenWillgentlytugsmyfeetandlegsintomyPJbottoms.Heslidesthemallthewayupmybodyuntilthey’resittingbelowmyhips.Iusethelastofmystrengthtoliftmybuttsohecanslidethemtherestoftheway.Thestrangethingis,I’mthemostmodestpersonyou’llevermeet,butIdon’tfeeltheleastembarrassedthathe’sseeingmehalfnaked.ItrusthiminawayIshouldn’t.InawaythatIknowisjustgoingtohurtmelaterwhenheremindsmehe’snottherelationshiptype.Thathehatesmarriage.Thathe’sabsolutelynotreturningthefeelingsI’vecaught.
—
ThesunisdownandI’mfeelingmorelikemyselfandalittlelesslikeawalkingcorpse.Willtookmetothedoctor,whereIwasdiagnosedwithasinusanddoubleearinfection.Afterbringingmebackhomeandtuckingmeintobed,hewenttothepharmacyandpickedupmyantibiotics.Itookthemandthensleptfortheentireday,thinkingI’dwakeuptoalonelyhouseagain,butinstead,IleavemyroomtofindWillinmykitchen…cooking.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Icroakout—immediatelyreprimandedbymyseriouslydrysorethroat.
Hefrownslightlyandcomesaroundthekitchenislandtoputhishandonmyforeheadagain.“Seemslikeyourfeverbroke.That’sgood.Medicinemustbeworking.”
IlightlypushhishandawaybecauseallIwanttodoisleanintoit.“Will,whatareyoustilldoinghere?”
“Makingdinner.”Heturnsbacktothepothewasstirring.ItsmellsgoodenoughtorivaloneofMaddie’ssoups.“Youshouldgositdown.I’llbringyouabowlinafewminutes.”
Iwanttocry.Myusuallywell-guardedfeelingsaresittingonthetopofmyskin,exposedandraw.“No.Imeanwhatareyoustilldoinghere?Asin…youshouldn’tstillbehere.”
“Whynot?”
“Because…because!”
“Youdon’tsay?”
Islumpandwrapmyarmsaroundmyselfforextracomfortandstability,because,yes,themedicineisworking,butIstillfeellikeabusranoverme.Ican’ttellWillthatheshouldn’tbeherebecausewe’vekissedthreetimesandtheywereallsogoodthatIreallythinkI’mgoingtoneedafourth.Orevenworse,thatIwanthimtostayandtalkandsnuggleandlaughwithmeallnight.
AfterHank’s,ItoldmyselfIwasgoingtotakeastepbackfromWillbecauseifwecontinuedonthattrajectorywewereon,itwouldspelldisasterandheartacheforme.Sonotexting.Nopotentialrun-ins.NopracticeanythingsuntilIcouldwipethefeelofhislipsfrommybrainandhissmilefrommyheartbecauseI’mstartingtoseverelydoubtmyabilitytokeepWillinthecasualcategory,wherehewantstobelong.Andnowhereheis,makingeverythingmorecomplicatedwithsoup.
“You’llcatchmycold.Youneedtogo.”
Henarrowshiseyeswhilelookingaroundthecountertops.“Doyouhaveanypepperaroundhere?”Hisbutterflyfluttersallaroundthekitchen.
“Youshouldbeatwork.”
“Ilookedinthespicecabinet,butit’snotthere.”
“Ifoundantennaegrowingoutofmyhead.”
“Andthesaltforthatmatter.They’rebothgone.”
Isighandopenthecabinetabovethestoveandpulloutthesaltandpeppershakers.“Maddiesaysthey’reamarriedcoupleanddeservetheprivacyoftheirownhouse.Andyou’renotlisteningtome.”
Willsmirks,gentlytakingthespicesfrommyhands.“Ihaveaverystrongimmunesystem.Ameliagavemethedayoff.Andyou’lllookverycutewithantennae.”
“Willington…”
“Annie.”Hishappy-go-luckydemeanormeltsintosomethingserious.Unguarded.Heputshishandsonthesidesofmyarmsandthenslidesthemdowntomyfingers.“Please.Justletmebehere.Idon’tknowwhy,butIcan’tbeanywhereelse.Itriedbutmyfeetkeepbringingmebackheretoyourdoor.”Hepauses,lookstothesoupandthentome.“This…isn’tsomethingIwouldnormallydo,butIjustneedtotakecareofyou.Pleaseletme.”
Well.Witharesponselikethat,howcanIsayno?What’sanotherlittlefracturetomyheart?I’llgobacktobuildingboundariestomorrowbygoingonmydatewithmypotentialperfectsoulmate,andeverythingwillbefine.“Thebowlsareinthecupboardtotheright.Andyoubetterputthatparingknifebackinthesameplaceyoufoundit,orMaddiewillhaveyourneckwhenshegetshome.”
Hereleasesabreath,letsgoofmyhands,andsmiles.“Gotit.CompletelyrearrangethekitchendrawersbeforeMaddiegetsback.Nowgositdownbeforeyoudecidetocampoutontheflooragain.”
IdoasI’mtold,takingabigfuzzyblanketfromanoversizebasketbesidethecouchandwrappingitaroundmyshoulders.Isitdown,layingmylegsoutacrossthecushions,restingmyfaceagainstthebacksoIcanpeeratWilloverthetop.Hisshouldersworkasheladlesoutthesoup,andIwonderifIcanblameitonmysicknessifIaskhimtoremovehisshirtwhilecooking.
Ilosethenerve,andWillbringsasteamingbowlovertomeonthecouch.Hesetsitonthecoffeetableandthentakestheseatatmyfeet,liftingthemupandpullingthemintohislap.Iblink,stunnedathiseasygoingphysicaltouch.Tactile.He’sjusttactile.
“Will?”
“Hmm?”
“Areyouthisaffectionatewitheveryone?”Iask,noddingtowherehishandsarenowrestingovermyshins.
“Prettymuch,”hesays,hesitatingbeforebringinghisblue-grayeyesuptomeetmine.
I’minstantlybothdisappointedandjealous.There’snoreasonIshouldhavehopedhewasonlylikethiswithme—andyethereIam.Alittlesad.IblamethecoldandthefactthatI’monlylikethiswithhim.
Willfrowns.“That’snotwhatyouwantedtohear?”
Inuzzlethesideofmyfaceagainsttheoverstuffedpillowwekeeponthecouch.“Idon’tknowwhatIwanttohear.I’msick.It’smessingwithmyhead.Andyou’renurturingme,whichiscatnipforsoftieslikeme.”
Therightsideofhismouthrisesinagrin.“You’renotnormallyaffectionate,areyou?”
“Iwouldn’tsayI’mnotaffectionate.I’vejustneverreallyhadanyonetobeaffectionatewith.IthinkImustaccidentallyputoutaninvisibleforcefieldthattellspeopleIdon’twanttobetouched.Anditfeelstooawkwardtoallofasuddenstartafterallthistime.”
Willlooksdownatmybarefeetandthengentlybeginsrubbingovermyarchesandupmycalf.ItfeelssogoodIwanttocry.Allofthemusclesinmybodyhavebeencrampingfromdehydrationtoday.AndWill’shothandsareexactlythethingtheyneedtorelax.Unfortunately,it’salsoworkingintheoppositeway—windingmybodyupintoatightcoil.
“Youcanbeaffectionatewithme.Iwon’treadintoit,”hesayscasually,likehedidn’tjusthandmekeystoagoldenpalace.Becausethetruthis,Ilovephysicaltouch.CraveitmorethanIwanttoadmit.Butmyshynessandsocialanxietyoftenkeepmefromreachingoutforitfirst.Iwaitforotherpeopletoinitiate,andsometimesthatleavesmewaitingforever
Iforcemytonetosoundcalmandnotatallexcitedbythisall-accesspasstoSnuggleTown.“Right.Becauseyou’remypracticeperson.Icanpracticeinitiatingsnuggles.”
“Exactly.”Helooksupatme.
“LikeFredandAudreybeforetheending.”
Hefrowns.“Nowyoulostme.”
Iwavehimoff.“Don’tworryaboutit.”
WesitintensesilenceforseveralminutesbeforeWillbreaksitbyleaningoverandgentlymovingthebowlofsoupfromthetabletomylap.“It’scooledoffbynow.Youneedtoeatafewbitesifyoucan.Thedoctorsaidhotbrothisgoodforyourthroat.”
I’mnotatallsurprisedtofindoutWilliscaringandattentive.ButIthinkheis…
Thefirstsipissaltandbutterandcarrots.Chickensoup—myfavorite.Willcametomyhouse,putpajamasonme,tookmetothedoctor,andmademechickensoup.Don’tyoudarereadtoomuchintothat,heart.
Myheartsnootilypushesapairofglassesupthebridgeofitsnose.Hemaybeaffectionatebynature,buthedoesn’tnormallydothiswithotherwomen,itremindsmeunhelpfully.Ikickmyheartintheshins.
“It’sreallygood,thankyou.”
“It’sMabel’srecipe.ShecorneredmeinthemarketandforcedingredientsintomyhandsaftershelearnedIwasheadedoverhere.Shealsofollowedmeouttothecarandwrotetheentirerecipeonthebackofthegroceryreceipt,whichwasgoodbecauseI’venevermadesoupbeforeanditdefinitelywouldhaveendeduptastingmorelikecatpeethananything.”
Ilaughandthenwincewhenmyears,head,andthroatallscream.Isetdownthesoupandthenrubmytemplestoeasesomeofthenever-endingpressure.It’squitepossiblethatapatheticwhinealsoescapesmymouth.
“Comehere,”Willsays,notwaitingformyresponsebeforehesetsmyfeetonthegroundandstartsadjustingmearound.Heputsapillowinhislapandtheneasesmyheaddownonit.Andthenhegentlyrunshisfingersovermyscalpandmyneckinsoftmassagingstrokes.Hishandsarewarmandsecureashemovesthemoverme—butit’smorethefactthatheseemstocaresomuchthatismakingmyheartsquirm.
“Wereyourparentsaffectionatetoo?Isthatwhereyougotitfrom?”
Hisfingerspauseinmyhair,andIthinkmaybeIscaredhimoff.There’sgoingtobeaWill-shapedholeinmyfrontdooranyminutenow.
“Onlyasaffectionateaswolvescanbe,youknow?”hesays,tryingforlevityandcomingupshort.
Ilookupathim.“Nomorejokes.Pleasetellme.”
Hesighsandhishandsmovethroughmyhairagain.“Idon’tliketalkingaboutmychildhood,Annie.Infact,I’veworkedreallyhardtoblockitout.”
“Igetit.Andifyoureallydon’twantto,I’lldropit.Butifthereissomepartofyouthatwantstotellme,Ipromisetobeagoodlistenerandnotbringitupeveragainifyoudon’twantmeto.”
Asoftsmiletouchesthecornerofhismouth.“Noonewouldeveraccuseyouofnotbeingagoodlistener.Infact,Ithinkyou’remadetolistentoomuch.”
IreachupandpinchthefabricofhissoftT-shirtnearhischestandtuglightly.“Tellme.Comeon,Ihaveasickcard.Letmeuseit.”
Willopenshispalmfaceup.“Letmeseeit.”
Isighdramaticallyandpretendtopullitoutofmypajamabottoms.Islapitagainsthispalm.Willholdsituptothelightforinspectionandthentakesanimaginaryholepunchandmakesaclampingsoundwithhismouth.Hehandsthecardback.“Yoursisonlyadaypass.Expiresatmidnight.”
“Deal.”
Hecastshiseyestotheceilinglikehe’slookingforinspirationonwheretobegin.“Uh—okay,well.Inanutshell,Igrewupinadysfunctionalhome.Therewasalotoffightingandcheatinghappeningbetweenmyparents.Mydadsleptonmyflooralotandopenlyspilledtheirbaggagewhenhereallyshouldhaveshutthehellupaboutit.”Will’stoneishardasgraniteonthatlastsentence,andbeforeIrealizewhatI’mdoing,Irollovertofacehisabdomen.Maybeit’sbecausehegavemepermission,maybeit’sbecausesomethingaboutmefeelsfreewithWill—Idon’tknow—butIdon’thesitatebeforeloopingmyarmsaroundhim.
Hedoesn’tstopbrushinghisfingersthroughmyhairandacrossmyneck.Doesn’tmakemefeellikethisisanythingoutoftheordinary.Myarmsaroundhimfeelasnaturalasbreathing.
“Goon,”Iurge.
“Ifyousawmebackthen—inhighschoolandbefore—youwouldn’trecognizeme,”hesayswithasadsortofsmile.“Iworepoloshirts,Annie.Andglasses.AndIneversocialized,ever.”
“Wait…”Isquintupathim.“Doyoueverwearglassesnow?”
“OnlyatnightafterItakemycontactsout.”
Myovariesquakeatthisnews.It’stoomuchtohandle,soIswallow,makeanoncommittalhmmsound,andthenwaitforhimtocontinue.
“IbustedmyassallthroughschoolbecauseIthought”—headdsoneshortlaugh—“Ithoughtitwouldhelp.IhopedthatifIcouldbetheperfectsonforthem,ifIcouldhelptakecareofmybrotherandmakesurethatweneveraddedadditionalstress,then…”
“Thenthey’dbehappy.”
“Exactly.”
Oureyesconnectandhiswordsresonatesomewheredeepinsideme.“Irelate.Althoughinaslightlydifferentway.Becauseforme,itwasthatIwastryingtokeeplifestress-freeformygrievingsiblings.”MygazemovestoWill’sshirtasIfeelpainfultugsofmypastagainstmyheart.I’mnotsureI’veeversaidthatoutloudbefore—orevenrealizedthatitwastrue.ButnowIfeelalmostoutsideofmyself,asIwatchayoungerAnnietrytopickupthepiecesforhersiblings.Cuttingherhandsintheprocessandnevertellinganyoneshe’sbleeding.
Idon’trealizeI’mfrowninguntilIfeelWill’sthumbbrushagainstmybrows,relaxingthem.
“Itsoundslikewebothputourneedsinthebackseatduringcriticaltimesinourlives.”
Andyetwe’rebothseekingdifferentpathstosootheourselves.Hedoesn’twantanythingtodowithrelationships,andIwanttheultimateone.
Iblinkbackupathim.“Sodiditwork?Didyourperfectionpayoff?”
Hisjawflexesagainstmemories.“No,”hesaysquietly.“IgraduatedasvaledictorianandgotintoMIT,butDaleandNinawerestilltoxic,surprise,surprise.Theycouldn’tdoanythingrightineachother’seyes,andasaresult,EthanandIcouldn’tdoanythingrighteither.Ithinktheydeeplyresentedtheirlives.Sotoansweryourquestion,no,theywerenotaffectionate.”
“I’msorry,Will.Youdidn’tdeservethatfromthem.”
“Yeah…well,itallworkedout,soit’sfine.Aftermygraduationceremony,Icamehome,andmymomwascryingbecausemydadfoundoutshe’dcheatedagain,andthen”—hefrownsatthewall—“shescreamedatmefornottakingoutthedamntrashthatmorning.SoIsnapped.IpackedabagandIleft.Ijustcouldn’tdoitanymore.Instead,Istayedinahotelforaweekandthenjoinedthemilitary.Ifeltawfulforleavingmybrotherbehindlikethat,butIneededtogetout,andtheAirForcewasgivingawayfreeT-shirtsoutsidethegrocerystore.”Hesmilesself-deprecatingly.
“Wow.”Itrytoprocesseverythinghejustsaid,notfullybeingabletoimaginethatkindoflife.Andtobehonest,ifIwereinWill’sshoes,Ican’tsayIwouldfeeldifferentlyaboutrelationshipseither.Itwouldbedifficulttojumpintoonewhenhe’sseensomuchpainaroundtheonerelationshipthatwassupposedtobestableforhim.
“Thereallysadpartis,myparentsaredoingbetternow,becauseaftermybrotherandIwereoutofthehouse,theyfinallygotadivorce.Theysaidtheyhadalwaysstayedtogetherforus—andweshouldbegratefultheygaveusthattimeasacompletefamilyunit.Howmessedupisthat?”
“That’srough.Doyoueverseethemnow?”
“Occasionally,butnotoften.Idon’thaveanydesiretohangoutwiththemforafullweekendandpretendthatmychildhooddidn’tnearlydestroyme.AndI’mnotbraveenoughtoactuallyfightwiththemoveriteither.SoIjustavoidthem.”
“Idon’tblameyou,Will.Iwouldn’twanttoeither.”Myeyestracethelinesofhisface,andIfeelaprotectiveangerriseuptowardanyonewhowouldeverdaretreathimlikehewasn’tthemostwonderfulpersonintheworld.Likehewasn’tpreciousandvaluable.“Howlongwereyouinthemilitary?”
“Sixyearsactiveduty,twointhereserves.IservedasaSecurityForcesspecialist.”
“Youdidn’tlikeit?”
Heshrugslightly.“Sortof.Itwasmentallyandphysicallydraining,anditleftverylittleroomforlivinglifeoutsideofit.Iwasreadyforsomethingdifferentbytheend.IhaveafriendwhointroducedmetotheagencyI’mwithnow,andIstartedtrainingwiththemwhileIwasinthereserves.Therestishistory.Ialreadyhadplentyofhand-to-handcombattrainingfrommymilitarycareer,butwiththeagencyIwasalsotrainedinevasivedrivingandothervariousweaponrycourses.”
“Doesthatmeanyoucarryagun?”
“Nottoguardcelebrities.Mainlywhenprotectingpoliticiansorpeoplewithahigh-threatlevel.Youhavetohaveclearanceforit.”
SuddenlyIthinkofWillinoneofthosehigh-threat-leveljobsandhavingtouseaweaponorbefacedwithsomeoneelseusingone,andmyarmsinstinctivelytightenaroundhim.“HaveyoueverregrettednotgoingtoMITandchoosingadifferentcareerpath?”
There’saloadedpausethatIdon’tmiss.“Idon’tthinkIlikethewordregret.EverychoiceI’vemadehasbeenvaluableinsomewayorother.Andthefactis,ifIhadgonetoMITbackthen,IprobablywouldhavekeptstrivingforacademicperfectionandreturninghomewhenIshouldn’t.ButthemilitaryforcedmetogetthatspaceIneeded—ifthatmakessense.Itwassomewheremyparentsandtheirdramacouldn’teasilyreachme.”
Myeyesdroptohisarm.Hisflowers.Itracemyfingeroverthepetals.“Soyouwerehidinginthetreefromyourparents.”
“Yes,”hesaysashisfingerstraildownmyneckandtotheexposedskinwheremypajamatophasgapedopenovermyshoulder.HistouchgrazesmybooktattooandIfeelthesmileinhisfingertip.“Sodoesthatanswerallyourquestions,MissInquisitive?”
“Notyet.”
Hegroans.
“Tellmeaboutyourbrother.What’shelike?Isheantirelationshiptoo?”
“MybrotherusedtofeellikeIdo.Againsttheentireideaofmarriageandlikewe’rebetteroffwithoutit…untilrecently.”
“Whathappenedrecently?”
“Hemetsomeoneandjustgotengaged.”Hepauses,andweonlystareateachotherforaminute—unspokenthoughtsandfeelingsrunninglikecurrentsthroughtheair.“I’vebeenavoidinghiscallsbecauseIcan’tbringmyselftotellhimI’mhappyforhim.Doesthatmakemetheshittiestbrotherintheworld?”
“No.Ithinkitmeansyouhavealotofhurtstill,andI’mwillingtobetheprobablyunderstands.”
Willgrinsandpushesapieceofmyhairbackfrommyface.“Youseetoomuchgoodinme,Annie.There’saveryrealpossibility,youknow,thatIamjustaveryselfishassholewhouseswomenandlivesaccordingtomyownwhimsjustbecauseIlikelifebetterthatway.”
Ihumlightlyandclosemyeyes,feelingexhaustionpressovermeagain.“That’swhatyou’dlikemeandeveryoneelsetothink.”
SuddenlyIfeelWill’sthumbtracemylowerlip.“It’stimetotakeoffthoserose-coloredglasses,sunshine.”
Ituckmychinandsnuggleinclosertohisstomachbecausehegavemepermissionandalsobecauseitfeelssonicetodothis.TojustbeclosetosomeoneandgaintheaffectionI’vebeencravingforsolongwithoutanypressureorfearofhimnotbeingtherightoneforme.“Notachance.Ilovehowprettytheworldlookswiththem.You’reagoodguy,Will—Ireallyhopeyouknowthat.”
“Harrietwoulddisagree.ShethoughtIwasmakingmethwithyourcoldmedicine.”
Ibegintodozeinthislazycomfort.“It’sthetattoos.She’salwayshatedthem.YoushouldhaveseenhowmadshegotwhenshefoundoutthatNoahhasatattoo.Wouldn’tlethimbuyanythingbesidesvegetablesfromthemarketforaweek.”
“Andwhatdoyouthinkaboutmytattoosnowthatyou’vereallyseenthem?”hesays,runningthebackofhisknucklesagainstmyjawandhair.I’veneverbeenmorecomfortablewithanyoneinmyentirelife.
“Ithinkthey’renotnearlyasinterestingasthemanthey’reon.AndthatI’veneverfeltsaferwithanyonethanIdowithyou.”
Ifeelhisbreathagainstmyfaceasheletsoutadeepsigh.“Annie.Whatarewedoing?”heasksmoretohimselfthanme.
Idon’tanswer.Instead,Islipintoadeepsleep,andwakeuphourslaterinthemiddleofthenight,curledupnexttoWill’ssideinmybed.Hedidn’tleave.AndI’mterrifiedwhenIrealizeIhopeheneverdoes.CHAPTERTWENTY-NINEWill
“You’resofreaked-outtowakeupwithmeagain,”Anniesays,eyeingmewhenIthoughtshewassleeping.I’vebeenawake,staringattheceilingforthelasttwentyminutesandreevaluatingallofmylifechoices.AndthetextmessageIreadwhenIfirstwokeup.
“Alittle,yeah.”
“Youshouldbe.Ialreadycalledthepastor,andhe’sonhiswaytomarryusimmediately.”EventhoughIknowshe’sjoking,mystomachdipsandtightens.Unfortunately,notoutoffear.
Anniesitsup,haircascadingdownoverhershoulder,andpropsherchinonmychest.“WouldithelpifItellyouI’mnotafteryou?”Hervoiceisstillhoarseandhernoseisstuffy,butshesoundsmuchbetterthanyesterday.Iwanttomakeherteawithhoney.
Ifrown—andlie.“Yes.Isthattrue?Becauselastnightfelt…meaningfulbetweenus,andmeaningfulscarestheshitoutofme.”
“Iknow.”
“AndthenIsleptoverhereagaineventhoughIhaveaverystrictno-sleeping-overpolicy—andI’mspiralingout.”
Herfullpinklipscurveintoadelicatesmile.Damn,she’sgorgeous.Evenpuffyeyedandalittlebloodshot.“Ithinkwhathappenedtouslastnightwasfriendship,whichalsomightfreakyouout.”
“Itabsolutelydoes.”
“Why?”
Imakeatsksound.“Yourcardexpiredatmidnight.”
Annieisundeterred.“Doyoureallynothavefriends,Will?”
Isighandturnmyeyesbackuptotheceiling.She’sgotmepinnedhere.I’mnotgettingawaywithouttellingherthewholetruthaboutme.“Myjobkeepsmebusy.There’snotalotoftimeforfriends.”
“Whichisintentional,”shesaysputtingaspotlightonmyface.IknewItoldthiswomantoomuchaboutmelastnight.Nowsheknowsallofmyweakpoints.
Icoverherhandrestingonmychestwithmyown.“Yeah.Itis.”Ipauseandshejustwaits.“Afterbasicallyraisingmyselfaswellasmybrother,whenIlefthomeandfoundsomefreedom,IdecidedIwasdonelivingforotherpeople.Iwasgoingtobeselfishforawhileandenjoythehelloutofit.Norelationships.Noonetoputhugeexpectationsonme,andIcanneverbeletdownbysomeoneifIneverletthemininthefirstplace.Thisjobhasgivenmetheperfectexcusetostaybusyandhappy.”
Anniescruncheshernose.“Andnowhereyouare.Inmybed.”
Sheaddsthatlastsentencebecausesheknowsthatthisisaseveredeviationfrommyplan.IntimacyofthiskindisneversomethingI’vewanted…untilnow
Annierollsawayfrommebacktoherpillow,andwebothstareattheceiling.“Annie,thetruthis,Ireallywanttoclosemyselfofffromyou.ButIalsofindmyselfwantingtotellyoueverything.Whatspellhaveyoucastoverme?”
Shelaughsandslidesthosebeautifulblueeyestome,peekingatmefromthecorners.“Doyouhavefeelingsforme,Will?”
Ibarkalaugh.“Annie.Youcan’tjustaskapersonthat.That’sagainsttherules.”
“Why?”
“Because…we’resupposedtokeepeverythinghiddenandangsty.Keepeachotherguessingandmiserable.That’sjustthewayitworks.”
Herlipscurve,andsheslidesherhandoverthecoverstogentlylinkourfingerstogether.“Doyoulikeme,Will?”
Iholdhergazeandsqueezeherfingersasherwordstugthetruthfrommeliketheyalwaysdo.“Yeah,Ido,Annie.Doyoulikeme?”
“Yeah.Againstmybetterjudgment.”
Ilaughfullyatthisandthenscrapemyfreehandovermyface.“It’swhyyouneedtorunfarawayfromme.Kickmeout.Boardupyourwindows.Lockyourdoors.I’vegotsomuchbaggage,Annie…I’mnotsureI’dbeanygoodforyou.OrthatI’lleverbethemarriagetype.”
Sheadjusts,rollingontohersidebutnotlettinggoofmyhand.“Icanhandlemyself,thankyou.”Shegrinsslightlyandmyentirechestaches.“I’mnotlivinginafantasyworldoverhere.YouandIaretwopeoplewhocaughtfeelingsbutwereneversupposedto.Ourlivesareondifferenttracksthatsomehowmanagedtoaccidentallyintersectalongtheway.”
“Sowhatdowedonow?”
“Wepine,”shesaysdramaticallybutwithahintofamusementtouchingthecornerofhermouth.“Westayfriends.”
“Friends.”
“That’stheonlyoptionforpeoplewhowantdifferentthings,isn’tit?Sowe’llbefriends,andpineforawhile,andthenonedayI’llbeoldandmarriedwithaslewofgrandchildrenhereinKentuckyandyou’llbeapirateonashipsomewhereintheBahamaswithatinymanbun.”
“Ohno,”Isaygravely.“Youlovepirates.Areyougoingtobelongingformewhileyou’relyingnexttoyourveryupstandingoldhusband?”
Shenods.“Sadly,yes.Butnotasmuchasyou’llbelongingforthewomanyouleftbehind.”
Howishonestysoeasybetweenus?Tooeasy.
“Eitherway,”Anniesays,sittingupandswingingherlegsoverthesideofthebed,“you’reoffthematrimonialhook,WolfBoy.AndIhavetogopee—don’tlisten,”Anniesaysbeforedisappearingintoherbathroomandclosingthedoorlikewe’djustdiscussedwhat’sfordinnerratherthanadmittedfeelings.
So…good.Yeah.I’moffthehook.Ishouldfeelagreatrelief.AnysecondnowtheGreatReliefwillbekickingin.It’snot.Idon’tfeelrelief,Ifeelfrustrated.
I’mthinkingwithmyemotionstoomuch,that’stheproblem.Ineedtobelogical.Andlogically,IhaveacareerthatwilltakemeawayfromRomenomatterwhat.Logically,I’vebeenhappylivingthiswaysinceIwaseighteen.Thesefeelingsarejustpassingunexpectedspeedbumpsonmyopenroadoffreedom.SowhatIneedtodoisignorethemandcontinueonwithmyplan.HavefunwithAnnieandthensaygoodbyewithacleanbreakandnohardfeelingswhenIleave.Evenshethinksthisisthebestdecision.
Yes.It’sgood.Thisisgood.
Aminutelater,Anniesurfacesfromthebathroomandcomesbacktobed,nothesitatingevenasecondbeforecurlingupnexttome.“Doyouwantsomecoffee?”
Itakeinherlongblondehair,hersoftblueeyes,andthecurveofhermouth,andIthrowallofmyplansoutthewindowandconsiderdoingtheonethingthatscaresthehelloutofme:staying.Forgettheopenroadoffreedom.IthinkIhaveeverythingIcouldeverneedinmyarms.
ButthenAnnie’sphonevibratesonthebedsidetable.Igrabitforher,butthescreenlightsupandIseethename:BrandonLarsdale(flowershopguy).
WordlesslyIhandittoAnnie,andIdon’tevenrealizeI’mhopingthisguyisnothingbutaflowersupplieruntilsheopensthetext,noteventryingtohidethescreenfrommeatall,andIseethewords:“Arewestillonforourdatethisafternoon?”
So,notaflowersupplier.
“You…haveadate?”Iaskher,frowningandhatinghowpatheticIsoundaskingit.
“Yeah.Kindof.Imeanttotellyou,but…Icouldn’tfindtherighttime.”Shelooksupatme.“I’msorry.Ishouldhavetoldyousooner.”
Mystomachsinks.Anniehasadate.“No,that’s…totallyfine…greateven.”Isitupandthrowmylegsovertheedgeofthebed.
“Will…”Anniesaysinatendertone.
Igiveheraquicksmileovermyshouldertotrytokeepherfromfeelingmyweirdness.“It’sallgood,Annie.Really.Thisistherightthing.Wejustsaidthatwe’reondifferenttracksandthisistheexactcourseyoursissupposedtotake,”Isay,focusingextrahardonsoundingnormalandnotlikeI’mfilledwiththejealousyofathousandsuns.LikeIwanttofindthisguyandshovehimagainstthewallwithmyfistandwarnhimnottotouchAnnieorhe’lldie.
IgointothebathroomandsplashwateronmyfaceandpreparetofingerbrushmyteethjustsoIcangetagrip.She’sgotadate.Anniehasadatethisafternoon.Withaguy.AguynamedBrandon.AguynamedBrandonisgoingtotakeAnnieonadate.
NotsurewhyI’mlistingallofthesefactsoffliketheybelongonawallwithlittleredstringsconnectingalltheclues.Mybehaviorrightnowisridiculous.Pathetic.It’snotasifIdidn’tseethiscoming.It’sliterallywhatwe’vebeenworkingtoward.
Shetoldmeupfronthergoalwastofindhersoulmate.OhGod,whatifthisBrandonguyishersoulmate?HegetstobehersoulmateandI’mjustherpracticeperson.
Isqueezethetoothpastecontainertoohardandthepasterocketsacrossthebathroomontothewall.
Annieentersthebathroomatthatexactmomentandwordlesslywetsawashragandwipesawaythebright-coloredtoothpaste.Ihavetoscrapemyhandsovermyfacebecauseshelookssoauthenticallybeautifulandcalm,andthatonlyservestomakemynerveszingmorefrantically.WhyamIactinglikethis?I’mneverjealous.InevercareifawomanI’vebeenseeinggoesoutwithanotherman.
IcareifAnniedoes.
“Wilton,”shesayssoftly,takingmyshouldersandanglingmetowardher.“Let’stalk.”
“Wedon’thaveto.”Imanagenottosoundimmaturesomehow.ButIwanthertoknowthatshedoesn’towemeanysortofexplanation.SheisherownwomanandIam…justherfriend.
“Youcameoverandmademesoup.Andtookcareofme.Andsnuggledme.Andtoldmeyoulikeme.AndthensawatextthatI’mgoingoutwithanotherguy.OfcourseIneedtotellyouwhat’sgoingon.”
“We’renottogetherforreal,so…it’sallgood.Youdon’towemeanything.”See?Thisiswhy.ThisrighthereisoneofthereasonsIdon’twantmarriageorarelationship.Youcanneverpredictwhatawoman’snextmovewillbeorwhenshe’lldosomethingthathurtslikehell.
Annieseemsdeterminedtomakemelookather.Shetakesmyjawsinherhands.“Butdoyouwanttoknowwhothatwas?”
“Isheyourdatefortoday?”
“Yes.”
“ThenIthinkI’mcaughtup.”
Shedropsherhandsawaybutcontinuestoskewermewithherrelentlessgaze.“He’saguywhocameintotheflowershoplastweekwhileyouwereoutoftown.He’savetandjustmovedintothetownnexttoours.”Shepauses.“Wehititoffandheaskedformynumber.ItoldhimupfrontthatIwasn’tlookingforanythingcasualrightnow,andhesaidhefeelsthesame,soIgaveittohimbecause—wasn’tthatthegoalthewholetime?Iwanttogetmarried.Iwantafamily.Ineedtodothis,Will.Youdon’tunderstand,butIhavetogetmarried.Ihavethisgapingholeinmyheart,andIcan’tcloseitup.ThisistheonlythinglefttotrytocloseiteventhoughI’mprettysureit’snotgoingtowork,andyou’regoingtoleave,andI’llgetmarried,andit’llstillbeintherejustemptyandhurting.”She’sstartingtocry.
Iputmyhandsontheoutsidesofherarmstenderly.“It’sreallyokay,Annie.Youdon’thavetoexplain.Iunderstand.You’vegottodothisforyou.”
Shecontinues,though.“BrandonandIhavebeentextingalittlethisweek,andheaskedmeoutfortoday.Ididn’ttellyoueventhoughI’vewantedtobecauseIwasscareditwouldpushyouaway,and,selfishly,Idon’twantyoutogoawayyet.”
IbreatheoutasIgentlygripherbicepsandtugheralittlecloser.“Ifthere’sanythingIunderstandfully,Annie,it’sactingoutofselfishneed.”
Shegivesasadsmile.Abravesmile.“Heseemsnice,though.Wehavethesamegoals.Ihadtosayyes,Will.Therewasnoreasonformenotto.”
Ican’tevengetupsetatthat—becauseshe’sright.I’mnotareason.ItoldherupfrontI’dneverbeareason.Whateverstrangeconnectionwehaveisabliponthetimelineofourlives.Aninterludewe’lllookbackonfondly.Andsoon,hopefully,I’llgetbacktoreallife,andRomeandAnnieandeveryoneinthisabsurdtownwillonlybememories.
IforceasmilethatIdon’tfeelatall.“I’mhappyforyou,Annie.Really.Andthisisgreattiming,actually,becauseI’vehadsomethingI’veneededtotellyoutoo.”Ipause.“I’mleavingsoon.”
Shefrownslightly.“What?”
“Afterthewedding.”Itrytosaythisascasuallyandunattachedaspossible.“Don’tworry—you’renotpushingmeaway.Andit’snotbecauseofyourdatewithBrandon.”Thelieslipsouteasily.“MybossapprovedmyreassignmenttoWashington,D.C.,andIaccepted.”
Ihavetolookeverywherebutherface.IfIlookintohereyes,she’llseethetruth.AmeliacalledmybossyesterdayandsaidshewasokaytobereassignedanewEPA(whichfeelslikesuspicioustiming),andsothetextIreadthismorningconfirmedI’vebeenclearedtomoveontoanewjobafterthewedding.
Thethingis,Ihaven’tactuallysaidyesyet.IhadplannedtorespondtoLivandaskifIcouldhaveafewdaystothinkaboutitbecauseImightwanttostayinRomeafterall.Butthis—Annie’simpendingdate—isexactlythekickintheassIneededtorememberthatwhateverisgoingonbetweenusisfleeting.Ishouldn’tchangemyentirelifeplansforapersonIonlymetafewweeksago.I’mfollowingmyownadvicetoEthanandpumpingthebrakes.Or…Iguessamoreaccuratemetaphorwouldbeflooringthegasandgettingoutofhere.
“But…Ameliadoesn’twantadifferentbodyguard.”
“Executiveprotectionagent,”Isayweakly.“Andshetoldmybossshewasokaywithit.It’sgoingtobehardtomoveonfrom…her,butit’stime.Ineedafaster-pacedlife.Ican’tstayhereanylongeror…”OrI’llstartwantingthingsthatscareme.OrI’llcontemplatedoingthethingsI’vepromisedIneverwould.“I’llgetbored.”
Inthemovies,thisiswhereAnniewouldfeelhurt.Itwasmeanttowound.TocutusbothsoI’llstophavingthesedamnfeelingsandtoshowherthatI’mnotthegoodguyshewants.I’vegotamessed-uppastandamessed-upheartthatIkeepclenchedtightlyinmyfistalongwithastringofwomenthroughoutthecountrywhowillattesttothefactthatI’llneverreleaseittoanyoneelse.
ButthisisAnnie.Andshedoesnothingasanticipated.
Hersmiletiltsintoonethat’ssodamnclosetopitythatmyteethclench.Noone—andImeannoone—haseverbeenabletoreadme.ButAnniedoes.It’slikeshehasthesubtitlesturnedonformybrain,andshedoesn’tfeelhurt.ShefeelssadformethatI’mstandinghereandlyingtoher.
Shelooksdownandclearsherthroat.“Okay,wellgood.I’mhappyforyou,Will.”
“AndI’mhappyforyou.”
We’reallhappy,happypeople!
Afterapainfulsilence,Ifinallyask,“Sowhereareyougoingonyourdate?”
Shenarrowshereyes.“Whyareyouasking?”
Ipullanoffendedlook.“Whatdoyoumean,why?I’myourdatingcoach.It’smyjobtoknoweverythingaboutyourdatinglife.Thishasnothingtodowiththe”—IleaninandlowermyvoicelikeI’msharingahugesecret—“feelingswetalkedaboutearlier.Thoseareofficiallygoingbackintheboxwheretheybelongfromhereonout.”
Shelaughsquietly.“Well,ifyoumustknow,we’regoingtohisnephew’sLittleLeaguegame.”
Myeyebrowsflyup.“LittleLeague?Forafirstdate?”
Sheshrugs.“He’safamilyman,apparently.”
WhenIlaugh,Isoundlikeavillain.“Howperfect.Iguesshe’slookingforawifetomakehimpotroastontheweekendstoo?”
“Ihopenot.Idon’tknowhowtomakepotroast.”
Ihatehim.Whoeverheis.
Butyouknowwhat?Brandonisn’therewithAnnienow.Iam.
“So…doyouthinkhe’llkissyoutoday?”
Hereyesflywideopen.“Idon’tknow.Maybe?Ohgosh.Doyouthinkhe’lltry?”
Icrossmyarmsandshrug.“Iwouldkissyouonafirstdate.”
Hereyesholdmine—andtheyglint.She’sreadingmymindagain.SheknowsexactlywhatI’mdoingandapproves.“Well…maybewecouldpracticeafirstdatekiss?Youknow,justsoI’mnotcaughtoffguard.”
“Sure.Right.”Inodthoughtfully.“Asyourdatingcoach,it’smyresponsibilitytomakesureyou’repreparedforthatkindofthing.”
“That’swhatIwasthinking.”
Iedgecloser.“Sohowdoyouwanttodothis?Like…role-playit?”
“Okay.”
“Okay,”Irepeatwhilemyheartpounds.“Timein,”Isay,alreadypressingtowardher.
Shetakesherfingersandpressesthemquicklytomylipstohaltme.“Wait.Ihaveacold.Ihadafeveryesterday.Idon’twantyoutocatchit.”
“Doyoufeelbadrightnow?”
“No,Ifeelalotbettertoday,but—”
“Thengivemethedamncold,Annie,”Isayquietlynexttoherear.Ifeelhershiverlightly,butIknowit’snotfromafever.
Islidemyhandsaroundherlowerback,inchingalongtheterrainI’mbeginningtofindfamiliar.Ihavethissmalldivotmemorized.Theonerightaboveherperfectass.IknowthatifIsplaymyhandagainstitandpresshertome,she’llgasplightlyandthenmeltintomyarms.Idoitnow,andafterhearingthesoftgaspthatI’dliketocaptureinajarandkeepsealedawayforeternitysonooneelsehasthepleasureofhearingit,Ibegin.“Picturethis:Yourdateiscomingtoanend.You’resunburnedfromsittingforhoursonthebleachers,andwhilestandingnexttoyourtruck,hehandsyouaCapriSunhesnaggedfromPam’spostgamesnackscooler…”
Annielaughsandshovesmychestplayfully.“Stopit!Thatisnothowit’sgoingtogo!”
“Fine.I’llbeserious.”Imakemyfacesomber.“Annie…Ihadagreattimewithyouwatchingchildrenneverhitabaseballforfiveandahalfhours—”
“Useless!You’reuseless!”
We’rebothlaughingandAnnieistryingtotickleme,butinstead,Iscoopherupandcarryherintoherroomtothrowheronthebed.“Doyouthinktherewillbeabedatthebaseballgame?”
“Absolutely.”
“Thoughtso.”IhoveroverAnnieanddipmyheadintoherneck,runningmylipsacrossherskin.“Annie,thankyouforthebestfirstdateofmylife.Canwegooutagain?”
ShesighsasIlightlylickthetenderskinbehindherear.“Ithinkthatmightbeacceptable—yes.”
“Wonderful.Howaboutnextweekend?Iknowofabouncycastlegoingupforaneight-year-old’sbirthday.”Islantmymouthoverhersbeforeshehastimetogivemeanysharpretorts,andshematchesmekissforkiss.Hertongueslidesagainstmine,andherhandsscaleupmyback.I’mshakingfromhowmuchI’mholdingback.HowmuchIwanttopeelherclothesfromherbodyandconsumehercompletely.Itwouldbesogood.Wewouldbesogoodtogether.
ButAnnie’snotmine.
SoIeaseupandsomehowmanagetopullawayfromher—takinginhersadexpressionwhenIdo.Ikisshercheekandhertempleandherforehead.“Ishouldgo.”
Annienodsandsitsupwithme,followingmeoutofherroomandstandingintheopenfrontdoorasIwalkout.BeforeIgo,Ican’thelpbutlookbackatheronemoretime.“Havefunonyourdate,Annie.”Ipause.“Maybehecantakeyououtforsomechickennuggetsafterward.”
Shegroansandrollshereyes.“Shuttingthedoornow!”
“DoyouwanttoborrowadollarforasodaincaseheforgetshisVelcrowallet?”
Bam!CHAPTERTHIRTYAnnie
“Thanksforagreeingtocomewithmetomynephew’sgame,”saysBrandon.He’ssittingbesidemeononeofthemetalbleachersthat(aspredictedbyWill)issohotit’sburningthroughthedenimofmyoveralls.“Iknowit’snotnormal,but…”Helaughsandshrugsgood-naturedly.“Well,honestly,thiswillbeverynormalformenowthatI’mback.IplanonbeingmoreinvolvedwithmyfamilythanIhavebeeninthepast.”
Tenpointsinthefamily-manbox.
“Ithinkit’sgreat.Areanyofyourotherfamilymemberscoming?”Iask,thankfulmycoldmedicineisworkingandmynosedoesn’tsoundlikeMr.SnuffleupagusfromSesameStreetanymore.
“Nooneotherthanmybrother,Rob,”hesays,pointingtowardthemiddle-agedmanstandingonthefieldwithhishandsonhiships.“Hecoachestheteam.Andthenmysister-in-lawwouldnormallybehere,too,butshejusthadtheirbabytwoweeksago,soshe’sstayinghometoday.”
Right.Theoneheboughtflowersfor.Itseemslikethisguyisthoughtfulinabigway.Allthepointsforthat.
“Doyouhaveanyothersiblingsintown?”Iask,whilediscreetlyadmiringhiswell-groomedbeardanddarkbrowneyes.He’salsowearingateamT-shirt,LittleGrizzlies,andIfinditincrediblyendearing.
Brandonhascomfyvibeswrittenalloverhim.Potentialdadvibes.JustlikeEmilyandMadisontoldmeIneeded.
“Nah—it’sjustmeandmybrother.Butourparentsliveintowntoo.”
Wow.Anothercheckmark.Hehasparentsinhislife.WhichmeansIcouldhaveparentsinmylife,too,ifweworkout
“Ibettheyareexcitedtohaveanothergrandchild,”Isay,feelingsuperproudofmysmalltalkabilitiestoday.Thisdateisalreadyprovingcompletelydifferentfrommylastone.IguessallthetimeI’vebeenspendingwithWillhaspaidoff.It’snoteventhatwepracticedspecificthingsaboutdatingallthatmuch.It’smorethatI’velearnedoverthelastfewweekswithhimtotrustmyselfandwhatIhavetooffer.He’sbeenasafeplaceformeto…
Ugh!No,Annie,stopthinkingaboutWill!
Brandonlaughsanicelowlaugh.“Oh,theyare.Andthey’reveryeagerformetostartaddingsometothelistaswell.Which,Idon’tmindbecauseI’meagertostartafamilytoo,”hesayswithaneasysmilewhilelookingoutoverthefield.Notatallembarrassedthathejustimpliedwe’dgetrighttobabymakingifweworkout.Funnyhowmencangetawaywithsayingthingslikethatonadateandit’sendearing,butwhenIdid,Igotlefttenminutesintothedate.
IsuddenlyjumpwhenBrandonclapsandyells,“Let’sgo,Hunter!”
Heturnshisfacetome,andhissmileonlywidens.It’ssuchanicesmileIwaitformystomachtoflip.Goon,stomach,flip.Fine,alittlerollthen?CanIatleastgetaflutter?Listen…I’dsettleforatwitch.
Nothing.Dangit.
Oh,well.Notaproblem.Long-termlovingrelationshipsarebuiltonmorethanjustfluttersandstomachflipsanyway,right?SoevenifIdon’tfeelthemnow,it’stotallyfine.Tonsoftimeforflippinglaterdowntheroad.WhatI’mlookingforisapartner.Notarollercoaster.
IfonlyIhadn’tjustexperiencedabigstomachflipthismorning,maybethiswouldbeeasier.NotonlydidWillmakeoutwithmeuntilmybonesfeltlikemush,but…hetoldmehehasfeelingsforme.Feelings.AndItoldhimthatIhavefeelingsforhim.AndnowhereIamonadatewithsomeoneelse.Itfeelssowrongandbackwardandupsidedown.Whentwopeopledeclaretheirfeelings,theygettogether,right?!That’showithappens.ButofcourseIwouldfallforamanwhodoesn’tbelieveinmarriage.Whodoesn’twantafamily.Whowantstoremainaswildandfreeasabird.
IknewI’dgetfeelingsforhimfromthebeginning,though,didn’tI?IthinksomethinginmehasknownIwascapableoflovinghimsincethesecondIlaideyesonhim.
ButIwouldneverinmywildestdreamswanttotrytochangeWill,andhedoesn’twanttotrytochangeme.Neitheroneofuswantstoasktheothertosacrificeanything.Soouronlyoptionsaretomoveon.
DiggingintomymindfordatingadvicefromHeWhoShallNotBeThoughtOf,Ipulloutapieceofmemorizedconversation.“So,Brandon…wouldyouratherskydiveorreadabook?”
“Oh—goodquestion.”Hemakesathinkingnoiseandnarrowsoneeye.“Readabook.”
Ding,ding,ding.Rightanswer!Seestomach?Thisguyjustkeepsgettingbetterandbetter.
Iangleexcitedlytowardhim.“Metoo!Ilovetoread.What’syourfavoritegenre?”
“Prettymuchanything,”hesays,andthenadds,“Well,nottrue.Anythingbesidesromance.”
Ohno.
Ichucklelightlytocovermydespair.“Whynotromance?”
Hegivesmeacome-onlook.“Becausethewholegenrejustseemsmessedup.First,itsetsunrealisticstandardsthatnoonecanobtain,and,second,it’sjust…fluff.I’dratherreadsomethingthatactuallyhassubstance,youknow?”
Cuemyinternalcrisis:
Hehatesromance.
Butheloveshisfamily!
ButhejustbelittledanentiregenrethatIadorebycallingitfluff.
ButI’vehiddenmyromance-lovingwaysformyentireadultlife.Whatareafewmoreyears?
Will’svoiceaddstothechaosinmyheadfromwhenhereadtheromancebookIgavehim.Itwassexyashell.Andtherewerealotofprofoundmomentstoo.Feltlikefreetherapy.Ugh.That’snotfair,though.Ishouldn’tcompareBrandonandWill.They’retwocompletelydifferentmen.Asin…BrandonisturningoutnothinglikeWill.
However,thatthoughtisirrelevantbecauseWillisleaving,andhedoesn’tplantolookback.
“Whataboutyou?”heasks.“Whatkindofbooksdoyouliketoread?”
Thesunseemstogroweighttimeshotter,ifthat’sevenpossible.Ifyoulistencloselyyoucanhearthesoundofmysweatdrippingdownthebackofmyneck.“Oh,me?Well…Iactually—”
Twofiguressuddenlycatchthecornerofmyeye,tryingtohopupontothebleachersfromtheside,severalrowsbehindus.Ohmygosh…thiscannotbehappening.Whataretheydoinghere?
“What’swrong?”Brandonasks,abouttoturnhisheadtolookatthepathofWillandAmelia,wearingbaseballhats,sunglasses,and…isAmeliawearingafakemustache?
IgrabBrandon’sjawandtugitbackinmydirection.HiseyeswidenasIpretendtoknockanimaginarybugfromhisjaw.“Itwasabee.Didn’twantyoutogetstung.”
“Abee?”heasks,immediatelystanding.“I’mveryallergictobees.”He’slookingeverywhereforthebee.NowIfeelterrible.
“Oh—don’tworry.It’sgone!Itflewunderthebleachers.”
“Thisone?Okay,weneedtomove,then,incaseithasanest.Youokayifwescootupafewrows?”
IcastaquickglanceupandtheonlyavailableseatsarerightnexttoTweedleNosyandTweedleMustache.Seriously,whodoesAmeliathinkshe’sfoolingwearingamustache?Andit’snotevenstuckonthatwell.AndWill…well,he’sdressednormallyandlooksabsolutelydeliciousinthathat,andthat’swhyIcan’tsitbyhim.
“Oh,Idon’tthinkweneedto.I’msurethebeeis—”
“I’msorry,IknowIseemoverlyparanoidhere,butthethingis,I’drathernothavetousemyEpi-PentodayifIdon’thaveto.”
AndnowIfeelterriblethatthismanwouldeverthinkIwasnotworriedabouthissafety.Orthathavingadeathlyallergyisaninconvenienceforme.“Ohmygosh,absolutely.Let’smove.”
“Great,thankyou,”hesays,extendinghishandformetoproceedhimfirst.
WhenIturnandfaceWill,heimmediatelydivertshiseyesandtriestohidehimselfbehindthebillofhishat.Heholdshishanduptotugthehatdownfartheroverhiseyes,andthismakesmelaugh.Asifhedidn’tthinkhewasdistinctenoughonhisown,he’sshieldinghimselfwithhistattooedarm.Nice.
IwalkupthebleachersandstopjustinfrontofWill.“Excuseme,sir,isthisseattaken?”
—
Bothguiltypersonsturntheireyesuptomeandthentothemanovermyshoulder.“Ofcourse!Haveaseatthere,younglady!”saysAmeliaintheworstimpressionofamalecountryaccentI’veeverheard.
Will—thedevil—biteshislipstogethertokeepfromlaughing.
“Thankyou,”IsaysolemnlywhiletakingtheseatnexttoWill.Brandontakestheseatbesidemeandnowweareonebigawkwardhumansandwich.ShouldIjustacknowledgethatIknowthesetwoloonsbesidemeandgetitalloutintheopen?IfIdo,however,thatmightstirupalotofquestions.NoneofwhichIfeellikeanswering.
Suddenly,Brandon’snephewstepsuptobat,andBrandonshootsupfromhisseatclappingandshoutingencouragements
ItaketheopportunitytowhipmyheadtowardWillandAmelia.“Whatthehelicoptersareyoutwodoinghere?”Ihiss.
“JustenjoyingAmerica’sfavoritepastime.”IfIcoulddescribeWill’sexpressioninoneworditwouldbeprovoking
Ishovemyelbowintohisribs.“Don’tyoudaresmilerightnow!Youbothneedtogo.Immediately.Amelia,youlookridiculous.”
“LeavebeforeIfindoutwhowinsthegame?Never.We’renotfair-weatherfans,”Willsayswaytoooverthetop.
“Knockitoff.Andyou,”IsayleaningtowardAmelia.“Yourmustacheisfallingoff!”
Shegaspsandpressesitbackonwithagrin.“It’sprettyconvincing,isn’tit?ItwasaleftoverfromaHalloweenpartycostume.”
“No.Youlooksuspiciousandmildlyalarming.”
Willshrugs.“Toldhernottowearit,butsheinsisted.”
“Youshouldn’thavecomeatall!Idon’tneedabodyguard.”
Asmiletoucheshismouth.“Executiveprotectiona—”
Iholdupamenacingfinger.“Don’tyoudarefinishthatsentence.”
Brandondoesthedadwhistlethroughtwofingers,andit’ssoloudIhavetoclutchmyhead.Hefinallysitsbackdownwhenhisnephewgetsthreestrikes.Hethenleansaroundmetoindulgeinmyworstnightmare:mydatehavingaconversationwithWill,theonemanhe’llneverliveupto.“Hi,I’mBrandon.AndIguessyou’vealreadymetAnnie?”
IwatchthemomentAmeliaslipsbackintocharacter.It’spainful.
Shesmilessobighermustacheunpeelsintherightcorner.“Hithere!M’name’sJoe!Andthishereismybrother,Sam.”
Iwatchinsilentdismayasthetwomen’shandscrossovermetojoininamanshake.ThesightofWill’sbutterflyhandclaspingmydate’sverynormalonemakesmeirrationallyangry.Ishouldn’tbeabletocomparethetwomensodirectlylikethis.It’snotfairtoBrandon.AndwhenWill’seyescuttomeforthebriefestofheatedmoments,I’mafraidthatthethoughtHelickedmyneckthismorningisprojectedontomyface.Will’sinvisiblefingerprintsallovermybodyarenowglowinglikearadioactivesubstance.
“Nicetomeetyouboth,”saysBrandon
“Likewise.”
Brandonsitsbackandthenleansintomyside.“That’sdefinitelyawomanwithafakemustache,right?”
“Itappearstobeso,yes,”Isay,mygazefixedforward,wishingIcoulddropthetwopeoplebesidemeintoablackholesomewhere.
“IthinkmovingtothecountryisgoingtotakemoregettingusedtothanIexpected.”
“Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,I’velivedheremywholelifeandI’mstillnotusedtoit.”
Helaughs.“Notsureitdoes.”
Willcrosseshisarms,andhisknucklesbrushthebackofmyarm.Myrude,rudestomachbarrel-rolls.IwanttoglareatWill.
AconversationAmeliaishavingwiththewomaninfrontofhersuddenlygrabsmyattention.“I’veneverseenyouatthesegamesbefore.Whodidyousayyouwereheretoseeplay?”saysthewomandeckedoutinLittleGrizzliesgear.
“Neverseenus,huh?Strange.We’rehereeveryweekendtocheeronlittleTommy.”
“Timmy,”Willcorrects.
“Right.LittleTimmy.Poorthingneverwasverygoodatbaseball,butItellhimtokeepontrying,justlikehisaunt!”
“Uncle,”Willsays.
“Uncle,right.Ohlook,thereheisgettinguptobat!”Ameliastandsup,herjeans(thatis,Noah’sjeans)swallowingherwhole,andyells,“Go,Timmy!”
“That’smyson…Matthew,”saysthewoman.
Ameliapretendstosquintheavily.“Wellshit.That’swhatIgetforleavingmyglassesinthecar.Brother,canyouseeTimmy?”
“No,brother,Icannot,”Willsaysdeadpan,andIwanttopushthembothoffthebackofthesestands.
Brandon,somehowoblivioustotheTwoStoogesscenehappeningbesideme,asks,“Howlonghaveyouownedyourflowershop?”
Ohno,flowershopquestions.Thisiswhatgotmeintroubleonmylastdate.However,I’mAnnie2.0,soI’mpreparedforthis.Icrackmymentalknucklesandpreparetowowhimwithaflourishinganswer.“Fouryears.”
Yep,wowedhim.
Willbumpsmyarmintentionally.Itossaquickglareathim,andhewidenshiseyeswithakeep-goinglook.Wait,soisheheretocheermeonorsabotageme?IfeellikeI’monaspinning-teacupride.
IsighandturnbacktoBrandon.“WhatImeanis…fouryearsinthebrick-and-mortarshop.ButbeforethatIownedaflowertruckandwouldselloutoffarmersmarkets.”
Helooksgenuinelyimpressedandinterested.Anothercheckmark.“That’sreallycool.DidyoutraveltootherstatesorstaylocaltoKentucky?”
“Iprettymuchstayedwithinafifty-mileradius,”Isay,andthenrealizethisistheperfectconversationalintroforaquestionthat’sbecomeimportanttomeasoflate.“Um,whichisactuallywhyIthinkI’dliketotravelmoreinthefuture.”
“GoTimmy!”Ameliayellsagain.
Willshakeshishead.“StillnotTimmy.”
“Rats.”Ameliasitsdown.
“Doyouliketotravel,Brandon?”Iaskwhiletryingmyhardesttoblockoutthemanbesidememostdefinitelychewingwintergreengum.Hiskisswouldtasteincrediblerightnow.
Brandongrimaces.“Iusedto.ButItraveledatoninmytwenties—I’mhonestlyprettyoverit.I’mreadytofinallysettleinsomewhereandjustexploremyownlifearoundme.”
OneMonthAgoAnniewouldbejumpingforjoy.CurrentAnnieisdeflating—especiallyasIrealizeI’mnotsurewhatIreallywantanymore.WhoIwasandwhoIambecomingaremeetingatanintersectionanddecidingwhoshouldproceed.AllIknowis,forBrandongettingsomanycheckmarksonmyPerfectSoulmateList,Idon’tfeelanyphysicalreactionswhilesittingbesidehim.
Itdoesn’thelpthatWillleansforwardsuddenlyandaddressesBrandondirectlyandwithzeroshameforeavesdropping.“But,uh,yourgirlfriendjustsaidshewantstotravel.Surelyifshewantsto,you’dgowithher?”
Oh.My.Gosh!
DiscreetlyIreachbehindmeandpinchthebackofWill’sarm.Hisjawjumps,buthedoesn’tretreatlikeIhoped.
BrandonlooksjustasstartledasIdobythisquestion.Helaughslightlytocoverhisunease.“Oh,well,she’snotmygirlfriend,actually.Thisisourfirstdate.But,um,Iguessifshereallywantedtotravelwecould…figureitout.”Thewayhesaysfigureitouttellsmehe’sjustbeingpolite.Hehaszerodesiretotravel.That’sfine,though,right?I’mfinestayingput.
“Great,”Willsaysinablandtone.
Amelia—orshouldIsayJoe—sitsforward.“Youknow?I’vebeenknowntodosometravelingm’self.Andtosingafewtunesaswell.It’salwaysbeenabigdreamofminetomakeitontothebigstageoneofthesedays.”
She’sclearlyhavingtoomuchfunwiththis.I’mabsolutelygoingtohavetomurderherlater.
“That’s…nice.Don’tgiveuponyourdreams,”Brandonsays,andhedefinitelygetsextrapointsfornotimmediatelyshunningthesetwogoons.
Istandup.“I’msothirsty!Whoneedsadrink?”
Brandonstandstoo.“Icangogetsomebottledwaters.”Ugh,he’ssonice.
“No!Yousitdown.Yournephewisabouttobat,soyoudon’twanttomissit.”AndthenasIpassWill,Iwidenmyeyesandflaremynostrilsathiminaget-your-butt-upkindofwaythathedoesn’tmiss.
“Oh,uh,Joe,I’mgoingtogetussomethingtoo.KeepyoureyespeeledforTimmy.”
“Well,hurrybacknow.”
“Thisisnotascharmingasyouthinkitis,”ItellAmeliaquietlyasIpass.Shepinchesmybuttcheek,andnowIreallyhopeBrandonisn’twatching.
IstormtowardtheconcessionstandwithWillfollowingafewfeetbehindme.Whenwe’refinallyoutofeyeshot,Iwhirlaroundonhim.“WhatintheMaryPoppinsdoyouthinkyou’redoing?!Areyoutryingtosabotageme?Getinmyhead?Ruinmydate?”
“No,”hesaysfirmly.“Youwereneverevensupposedtoseeus.”
“Ohplease,”Isay,rollingmyeyes.“Joebacktherecouldnevergoundertheradar.”
“Itoldhertoleavethemustacheinthetruck.”
“William.”
“Annabell.”
“You’reruiningmydate.”
Hescoffs.“Thatguywasdoingitalready.”
“No!Don’tdothat.”Iwigglemyfingersinfrontofhisface.“Youdon’tgettosaythingslikethatandmakemesecond-guessanything.Brandonisaperfectlyniceguy.He’skind,hewantsafamily,hewantstoputdownroots.HewantseverythingIwant.Thisdatewasgoingperfectly,andhe’sexactlywhatI’vebeenlookingfor!”
Will’sblue-grayeyesskewerme,andthenheputshisthumbagainstmychinandtugsitbackdown.Neitherofussayanythingforaminute.NoneedtoacknowledgethatIdidn’ttrulymeananyofthat—webothknowitwasn’ttrue.
Willinchesclosersohecantalkquietly.“Ifyouwantmarriageandafamilyandallofthat—fine,great.Butdon’ttrytodeludeyourselfintothinkingthatyouarestillhappytosettleforanunadventurousvanillarelationship.You’vebeenlivinginthistowndoingfamilyeventsyourwholelife,Annie.Youdon’tneedahusbandforthat.Whatyouhaven’tdoneyetisseetheworld.Experiencenewthings.Livebyyourowndesires.Andifyousettleforsomeonewho’sgoingtokeepyoufromdoingthat,I’mgoingtobeveryupset.”
Hetakesastepawaylikehe’salreadyangryatjusttheprospectofmemarryingsomeonelikeBrandon.Hepicksuphisbaseballhat,rakeshishandthroughhishair,andthenslapsitbackonandpacesbacktome.“Andyouknowwhatelse?!You’reoneofthemostpassionatepeopleI’veevermet.Whatareyouevendoinghere,Annie?Youdon’twanttogotoaLittleLeaguebaseballgameforyourfirstdate,wheretheonlythinghe’sprovingishe’sgoingtoputhisfamilybeforeyoufromthestart.”
I’mangry.Heshouldn’tbehere.“Ifyouknowmesowell,thenwheredoIwanttogoforafirstdate,hmm?”Ithrowmyarmsoutatmysides.“WhereisthisamazingplaceyouthinkBrandonshouldhavetakenme?”
Willtiltshishead.“Trickquestion.Becauseyouwanttobeaskedwhereyouwanttogoforafirstdate.”Hestepsevencloserandbrusheshisfingersagainstmine.Likehisbodyispleadingwithmineforsomething.“Andtheproblemwithyourfaileddateafewweeksagowasn’tbecauseyouwereboringeither.It’sbecauseyouwerebored,Annie.Youwantsomeoneexcitingandpassionateand—”
“Someonelikeyou?”Isayinasharpsarcastictone.Ithrewthatcommentoutonpurposeandithitabull’s-eye.Will’sfacefallsandIgiveoneshortsadlaugh.“Whatwasthepurposeofthatspeech,ifnottogetinmyhead?Whichreallyisn’tfair,Will,becauselastIchecked,wewereneveranoption.Didwenotjustlayeverythingoutonthetablethismorning?”
Herubsthebackofhisneckandemotionallyretreats.“You’reright.”
“Andnothinghaschangedforyouinthelastfourhours,hasit?You’restillleavingtownafterthewedding?”
Henodssilently.
“Nothinghaschangedformeeither.Sopleaseleave.BecausealthoughIknowyoumeanwell,thisisn’thelpingatall.Andfrankly,itwasn’tfairofyoutoshowupherelikethis.”
Willdoesn’tskulkofforpoutlikeaman-child.
Mybreathcatcheswhenhestepsforward,ablazinglookinhiseyesasheclaspsmyhands.“I’msorry.You’retotallyright.Ireallydidn’tmeantomessthisupforyoutoday,Iswear.Ijustwantedto…Idon’tknow,makesureyouweresafe.Takencareof.AndthenIheardthatguyalreadyslicingawayatthethingsyou’vebeentellingmeyouwantedtodo—andwhenIthoughtofyouhavingtosacrificeallofthat…Icouldn’thandleit.Iknowyourgoalistogetmarried,but…”Heletsgoofmyhandstocupmyface.“Pleasejustpromisemeyou’llmarrysomeonewhoseesyouandlovesyouandwhomakesyouexcitedandhappy—notjustsomeonewholooksrightonpaper.”
You.Iwantyou,Will.
“Ipromise,”Isaysoftly,resistingtearswitheveryfiberofmybeing.“Youhavetogonow.AndI’mgoingtogiveBrandonmorethanaten-minuteshotbecausemaybehehassomeadventureunderallthatbeardhair.”
WillwinceslikeIpunchedhiminthestomach.“Youjusthadtomentionthebeardhair.”Hiswinceslowlyunfoldsintoasmilethattwistsmyheartintotaffy.Hethencastsonetorturedlookatmymouthbeforesteppingaway.“I’llheadoutnow.”
“Thankyou.AndtakeJoewithyou.”
WhenIgobacktothestands,WillandAmeliaaregone.IhandBrandononeofthewatersIpurchasedattheconcessionstand,butholdontothesmallboxofpopcorn.Hesmileskindlyandthanksme.Ican’thelpbutnoticethathedoesn’thaveadangerousblackrimaroundhisirises.
“So…didyourfriendsfinallyleave?”hesaysasIsitdownbesidehim.
Isnapmyeyestohim.“Youknewthewholetime?”
Helaughs.“Absolutely.Andthatdudeisinlovewithyou,right?”
Ibreatheinanddecidetostopplayinggameswithmyselfandbenothingbuthonest.“Yeah,Ithinkhemightbe.”
“What’sthedealthere,then?”
Istaredownintomypopcorn.“We’rebothscaredofdifferentthings.”
“Beenthere,”hesays,inathoughtfultoneofvoicethatclearlyhasastorybehindit.AstoryI’llneverknowbecauseBrandonisnotthemanforme.
“Um,soBrandon,Idon’tthink…”Ipausetofindtherightwords.Unfortunately,noinspirationhits.
Helaughsandsavesme.“It’sokay,Annie.I’mnotquitefeelingaconnectioneitherifthat’swhatyouweregoingtosay.”
Myshouldersslumpwithrelief.“Ohgood.IwasworriedIwasgoingtohurtyourfeelings.Friends?”
“Ithinkit’sforthebest.Youwantmetodriveyouhomenow?”
Ilookdownatthewaterandpopcornandthenatthebaseballgame.“Actually,ifyou’renoteagertogetridofme,Ithinkitwouldbefuntostayandhangout.”
Hesmiles.“Absolutely.”
Andthat—John—ishowyoutactfullyendabaddate.
—
Laterthatnight,Ilieinbedrestlessandunabletosleepfromunendingquestionssomersaultingthroughmyhead.SoItexttheonepersonwhohasbecomemyabsolutesafeplace.“Ican’tsleep.Comeover?”
Tenminuteslater,eventhoughit’sagainsthisrules,Willisslippingintomybedandwrappinghisarmsaroundme.Hekissesmyneckandmyjawandmytempleandthenwithhisarmsaroundme,Ifallasleepwithmyfingertracingtheraisedlinesofhisbutterflytattoo—scaredofthedaywhenIcallandhe’stoofaraway.CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONEWill
IripaclumpofweedsoutofthefrontbedsofMabel’sInn.Idon’tfullyknowwhyI’mouthere—atsixa.m.noless.IjustknowthatIwokeupinAnnie’sbedatfourthirtythismorningafterpromisingmyselfIwouldn’tsleepoverthereagain,andthenimmediatelygotupandwentforaruntoclearmyhead.Ijoggedthroughtowntomakesureeverythinglookedsafe(apparently,I’vedesignatedmyselfthetownvigilante),andbeforegoingbackuptomyroom,InoticedthatMabel’sflowerbedswereoverrunwithweeds.SohereIam.Handsandknees,rippingclumpsfromhergardenliketheycheatedonmeandIneedvengeance.
Butreally,IamdesperatelytryingtokeepmymindfromthinkingaboutAnnie.Ican’tfigureouthowtoshutthesefeelingsdown.I’veneverhadanyonestuckinmyheadlikethisbefore.WhenIclosemyeyes,Iseeherface.Iholdherinmydreams,andIhearhervoiceinmyearwhenI’mwakingup.Iimagineleavingheraftertheweddingandmyfistsballup.
Irubmychest.
It’stimetotalktosomeone.Shiftingfrommyknees,IsitinthegrassandscrapemyhandsthroughmyhairwishingIcouldscrapethesethoughtsouttoo.
BeforeItalkmyselfoutofit,Ipulloutmycellphone.Miraculously,IhaveservicerighthereinthedirtofMabel’sgarden.Ipressthecontactnameopenonmyscreen.
Heanswersonthesecondring.“Will?What’swrong?”
“Whydoyouautomaticallythinksomethingiswrong?Can’tIcallmybrotherfornoreason?”
“Notatsixa.m.youcan’t.Andnotafterghostingmeforseveralweeks.”Iheartheshufflingofcoversandafemalevoiceaskwho’sonthephone.Hannah.Ofcourseshe’dbeinbedwithhim.They’reacouple,andcouplessleeptogether.Allnight.Sidebyside.
MymindflashesonceagaintoAnnie—thewayshelookedwakinguponmychestyesterdaymorning.Ithinkofhersoftblueeyesflashingupatmeunderherthickdarklashesandthecurveofhersmile.AndsuddenlyIthinkofseeingthateverydayfortherestofmylife,andthatpainfultuginmychesthappensagain.
EthanwhisperstoHannahthathe’llberightback,andthenIhearadoorshuttingsoftly.“Okay,what’sgoingon?You’vebeendodgingallofmycallsandtextsforweeks,andnowyou’recallingatthecrackofdawn?”
“Hardlythecrackofdawn.Someofusliveawholelifebeforesixa.m.”
“I’mnotoneofthem.Ihaven’thadcoffeeyet,andIfeellikeshitbeforeseven,soyoubetterhaveanamazingreasonforneedingmethisearly.”
“I’msorry,”Isay,andmywordsarefollowedbyathickpause.“Notforcallingearly.Imean,IguessI’msorryforthattoo.Or,noI’mnot.Youshouldwakeupearlier.It’sgoodforyou.”IclearmythroatwhenIrealizeI’mnervouslyrambling.“I’msorryfornotsupportingyou,andforgenerallybeinganassholeabouttheengagement.Iwasnevertrulyupsetwithyouforproposing.IthinkIwasjustjealousandbitterthatyouwereabletowhenIwasn’t.Andhonestly,Ididn’tunderstandbefore…aboutyouandHannah.”
“Butyoudonow?”
“Supportyouguys?Yeah,I—”
“No,”hesays,quickly.“Yousaidyoudidn’tunderstandbefore.Butyoudonow?”
Damn.Iwalkedrightintothatone.
Idraginadeepbreath.“I—uh—maybe.”Shit,thisispainful.I’msousedtobeingtheonewhohasalltheanswers,whoplowsthewayandteachesEthaneverythingheknows.I’vebeenprotectingmybrotherfromtheworldsincewewerekids.AndnowIfeellostand…terrified.“Ethan,howdidyouknowthatitwasworthittoloveHannah?”
Helaughsquietlyontheotherendasitsoundslikehe’sopeningabagofcoffee.“Youmakeitseemliketherewasachoiceinthematter.Believeme,ifIcouldhavechosen,Iwouldstillbelivinginmylonelyone-bedroomapartmentinSoHo.Therewasnochoiceinthematter,Will,andI’mthankfulforit.ImetHannahandIfellinlovecompletelyagainstmybetterjudgment.”
ThosewordslandwithadramaticsuperherocomicbookThunk!intomybrain.Ihavenochoiceinthematter,myheartwantsAnnie.
“Okaythen…”Isay,thinkingofhowtorephrasemyquestion.“Howdidyouknowyourfeelingswereworthgivinginto?”
“Hmm.”He’squietforaminute.“IguesswhenIrealizeditfeltscariertolivelifewithoutherthanwithher.”
Anyotheranswerbesidesthatone.Please.AnyotheranswerandIwouldhavebeenabletoshoveitunderarug.Butthatone…Ican’tdismissit.
“Didyoumeetsomeone,Will?”
“Sortof.”
“Andyou’rescared?”
“Alittle.I’vegenerallytriedtonotneedanyonesinceIwasakidandrealizedthatneedingpeopleusuallyendsinsomethingpainful.”
There’satautsilence.“Hey,Will?”
“Hmm?”
“Idon’tthinkI’veeverreallysaidthankyoubefore.Foreverythingyouweretomeanddidformegrowingup.”Isitsilent,unabletoformanywords.Ethancontinues,“I’mnotsureIeverrealizedthedifferencesinourchildhoodquiteasmuchasjustnowwhenyousaidthat.BecauseIdon’thavethesamereactiontowardneedingpeopleasyoudo—largelybecausewhenIneededyou,youwerealwaysthereforme.”
“Iwasn’tthereforyouwhenIleftafterhighschoolandjoinedthemilitary.”
“Areyoukiddingme?Yousentmoneyhometomeeverymonth.Youevenmadeitbacktoseemeofftoprom.Youmightnothavebeentheredayinanddayoutafteryoulefthome,butIneverdoubtedthatyouwerealwaysonephonecallawayandyou’ddropeverythingtobethereforme.So…thankyou.”
Iswallowandclenchmyjaws—onlybarelymanagingtogetmywordsoutwithouttears.“Noproblem.”
Ethanchuckleslightly,understandinghowdeeplyuncomfortableIamwith,well,feelingmyfeelings.Hehasmercyonme.“Allright.Nowtellmeabouther,”hesays,andIhearthesmileinhisvoice.Iimagineit’ssmugandover-the-top.IwishIcouldwithholdinformationaboutAnniejusttopisshimoff,butunfortunately,I’vebeendyingtotalktosomeoneaboutherforweeksnow
“She’scute.Likeinthatwholesome,blindinglyhappysortofway—butshehassomuchgritunderthesurfacethatitmakesheralmostdangerous.She’skindandempathetic,andsodamnpassionateandexcitinginawayI’veneverreallyknownbefore…andshe’swaytoogoodforme.”
Helaughs.“Soyouloveher?”
“That’swhyIcalledyou,Mr.Hannah.Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowthatI’mevencapableoflove.Imean…youwerethere,Ethan.Youwererightbesidemewhenwehadtocloseourselvesinmyroomandblareourradiojustsowedidn’thearthescreamingmatchesbetweenMomandDad.Youheardthewayhetalkedtoherandhowshewouldthrowthingsathim.I’msoscaredthat’llendupbeingmeoneday,andIwon’tbeabletoleave.I’llbejustlikethem—stuckinalovelesstoxicrelationshipthatdoesn’tseemtohaveanexit.Howthehelldidyougetoverthat?”
“Quitefrankly,therapy.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.Wehaddysfunctionalparents,Will.Wespentourentireadolescenceinanemotionallyunstableenvironmentandweremadetofeellikeweweretheproblemsmostofthetime.Youmorethanme,obviously,becauseyoushieldedmefromalot.It’snotsomethingyoujustgetoverorchoosetoun-feel.AndIthinkthedayIcametotermswiththat
“Ihearyou,butIspentmostofmylifefeelingabsolutelymiserableeveryday.Idon’twanttoriskthateverhappeningagain.”EventhoughinmyheartIknowthatAnniedoesn’thavethesamehurtfultraitsmyparentshad.
“Will,wewerechildren.Wedidn’thaveachoice.Butyou’reanadultnow—youalwayshavethechoicetoleaveabadsituation.”
“WhatifIcan’tseethatit’sbad?”
“I’lltellyou.”
“WhatifI’llbetheonethat’sbadforAnnie?WhatifI’mlikeMomandDadandtheonlywaytoprotectAnnieistonotletmyselfhaveher?”
“Shit,Will.Haveyoubeencarryingthatthoughtaroundthiswholetime?Isthatwhyyou’veneversettleddownwithanyone?”
Mysilenceanswersthatquestion.
“That’salie.Youareagoodperson,withadamngoodheart.Youdeserveloveandtogivelove.”
Ihavetoclearmythroatagainstthelump.AndIwipemyfacebecauseapparentlyI’msweatingoutofmyeyes.“Thanks,man.”
“Now,here’stheflipsidefromadivorcelawyer:I’mstillnotconvincedmarriageisforeveryone.Soifyou’reoneofthosepeopleit’snotfor,Will,that’sokay.Itdoesn’tmakeyouabadpersonorlessworthyofhappiness,orevenlove,thananyoneelseoutthere.Itmeansyouhadamessierstartinlifethanmostpeople.However”—hesayswithemphasis—“ifyouareoneofthosepeoplewhoalwayssaidhewouldhateitandthenchangedhismind—that’sokaytoo.Justbehonestwithyourselfaboutwhatyouneed,orelseyou’regoingtobemiserableinoroutoflove.”
Ichuckleandshakemyhead.“Andyousaidyou’renotgoodatsixa.m.”
“Yeah,well,don’tmakeitahabit.”
“Ethan?”
“Hmm?”
“Idoloveher.AndI’mscaredtodeath.”
Ethan’ssighisdramaticallylong.“I’llgiveyouthenameofmytherapist.Shedoesvirtualappointmentstoo.Mightwanttoconsidertwiceaweekforawhile.”
IlaughandwishIwerenearenoughtogivemybrotherahug.ImisshimandsuddenlyhavethedistinctfeelingthatI’vekeptmyselftoobusy.ThatmaybethesafetyIthoughtmyconstantworkwasbringingmewasactuallyhurtingme.
EthanandIhangupaminutelaterafterI’vetoldhimtochangethesheetsonhisguestbedbecauseI’mcomingforavisitsoon.Thesecondthecallends,Isetmyphonedownandputmyfaceinmyhands.I’mnotsureIfeelmuchbetter,butIdofeelclosertoacceptingmyfeelings.
I’minterruptedbyathroatclearingtomyleft.IliftmyheadandfindMabelstandingonherfrontporchinherlightpinkrobewithablue-and-white-checkeredflannelgownpeekingoutthebottom.
“Howlonghaveyoubeenstandingthere,nosywoman?”Iaskherwithateasingsmirk.
“LongenoughtoknowthatyoulovemyAnnieandyou’rescaredandIwouldreallyliketopayyourmamaanddaddyavisit,”shesaysinherbluntfashion,anditmakesmelaugh.Shesmilesanddoesn’tsayanythingelse,justopensherarms.
Istandandwalkovertoherbeforesteppingrightintoherarmsandlettingherfoldmeinthemostcomfortinghugofmylife.Mabeldoesn’tsayanything,shejustsqueezesmetight.Isqueezeherbackandburymyheadinherneck,feelingalotlikethelittleboywhousedtoclimbthatmagnoliatreejustwishingforahuglikethis.
Mabeldoesn’treleaseme,butshepatsmybackaffectionately.“Now…shouldIbeworriedthatyouwerelyinginmyflowerbedatsixa.m.?Isweartheyoungpeopleinthistownarealwaysdoingsomethingconcerning.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWOAnnie
It’snotmydaytovisitmygrandma,butI’mgoinganyway.LogicallyIknowthatshe’snotgoingtohaveanyoftheanswersthatIneed—butI’mgoinganywayinsomemisplacedhopethatshe’llbehavingthemostamazingdayshe’shadinmonths,andshe’llbemygrandmaagaintonight,fullofwisdomandgraceandcantellmeexactlywhattodo
Ihaven’tseenWillinafewdays.NotsincethenightofmydatewithBrandon,tobeexact.Ithinkhemightbehiding.That’sokay,though.I’vebeenhidingtoo.We’regoodatthat.
Hewalkedintothemarketyesterday,andIduckedbehindashelfandthenabandonedmycartandcrawledout.(Fine,Ihunchedoverandtrippedmywayout.)ThenextdayIsawhimbyThePieShop,andwhenwemadeeyecontact,Iblinked,andthenhewasgone.Duckedinanalleymostlikely.JustforgoodmeasureItextedhimlaterthatday.
Annie:You’reavoidingme,right?
Will:Yes.Andyou’reavoidingme?
Annie:Yes.I’mconfusedandneedsometime.
Will:Same.Imissyou,though.
Annie:Imissyoutoo.
Sowegotthatclearedup,andnowI’mjusttryingtofigureoutwhatintheworldtodoabouthim.BecauseI’mnowabletofullyadmittomyselfthatIhavefeelingsforhim.Realones.Ooey-gooeyonesthatcoulddoubleasabuttercake.Andthat’svery,verybadbecauseWillGriffinwantstoremainassingleasaprewrappedsliceofAmericancheese.
Sowhat’sonetodowhenshewantstobehappilymarriedmorethananythingjustlikeherparentsandhersibling,buthascompletelyfallenforamanwhowillneverbeinarelationship?Shemovesonandgetsoverhim.That’stheonlythingtodo,right?Shegoesonmoredateswithothermen.SheremindsherselfthatWillGriffinwasneverFredAstaireandshe’snotAudreyHepburn,andwhenhegetsontheairplanenextweek,hewon’tbecomingbacklikeFreddid.
Right?Idon’tknowanymore.That’swhyI’mhere.
ButwhenIgointomygrandma’sroomatherassisted-livingfacility,Ifindhersoundasleepinhercushyrecliner.She’sinherpowder-blue,long-sleeved,button-downsilkPJsetbecauseevenwithAlzheimer’s,thiswomanremembersshewillsettlefornothinglessthandressingtotheninesatalltimes.She’salwaysbeenthatway.Pristineclothes.Freshlyironedeachday.Don’tleavethehousewithoutputtingonyourmakeupandfixingyourhairkindofsouthernwoman.
Ismileatthesightofhernow,kickedback,soundasleepinherchair,WheelofFortuneplayingontheTV,castingherdimroominasubtlehueofblue.Andforsomereason,thissightmakesmecry.Ican’twakeherup.Itwillonlydisorientherandmakethenightamessforherandthestaff.ButIneedher.Ineedsomeonetopointthewayforme.
Ineedmymomanddad.
HowisitpossibletomisspeopleIbarelyknewsoacutelythatIhavetoholdmystomachandsitdownonthecouch,doublingovertosilentlyweep?TherearesomanytimesinadaywhenIwishIcouldcallmymom.Ican’tevenfishintomemoriestofindnuggetsofhertoholdonto.Idon’trememberher.Andthewomanwhodoubledasbothagrandmaandamothertomehasonefootonearthandonefootinheaven.
I’mscared.
ButIcan’ttellmysiblingsanyofthisbecause,well,becausethat’sjustnotwhatIdo.I’veneversaddledthemwithmyemotionalburdens.Theyhaveenoughasitiswithoutpilingmineontop.AndWillisleaving,soit’suselesstotellhim.
SoIcrysilentlyinthisblueroom,soakingthetopsofmyjeanswithtearsuntilIfeelahandonmyshoulder.IsuckinabreathandlookupintotheeyesofMabel.Shefrownsassheseesmyface,andthenusesthepadofherthumbtowipetearsoffmycheeks.Shesilentlyurgesmeupfromthecouchandthenwhispers,“Comeon,darlin’,let’sgetoutofhere.”
—
Mabelreachesacrossthetableandholdsmyhand.“Tellmewhyyou’recrying,Annabell.”
“I’mnotsurethere’sonlyonereason.”
“Givemeyourtopfivethen.”
We’resittinginthedimdiningroomoftheassisted-livingcenter.Dinnerendedabouttwohoursago,soMabelandIaretheonlyonesinhere.Theroomisdecoratedindeepburgundyandgoldandnavy,andeverytimeIbringmygrandmaoutheresheremarksonhowtackytheplaceis.Ihavetoagree.It’saverynicefacility,butsomethingaboutitfeelslikeafuneralhome,whichisunacceptable.
Imakeamentalnotetobringinafreshbrightandcolorfulbouquettoputoneachtabletomorrowandtalktothefacilitymanageraboutpaintingtheroominacheeriercolor.
“I’mnotsurewhoIamanymore,Mabel—andI’dreallylikemymomtohelpmesortitout,butshecan’tbecauseshe’sdead.AndInevergottoknowherlikemysiblingsdid,andsometimesIresentthemforthat.AndIdon’tknowwhyI’mcryingovermydeadparentswhenI’malmostthirtyyearsold,whenIdon’tthinkIcriedaboutthemeveninchildhood.”Isuckinabreath.“Oh,andI’vefalleninlovewithabodyguardwhodoesn’tbelieveinloveandisleavingforgood.Wasthatfive?Idon’tknow.”
Mabelsighs.“Wellshit,darlin’.You’rerunningawholeraceinthatbrainofyours.”Shesqueezesmyhand,urgingmetolookupintoherkindeyes.“Whatdoyouneedfromme,sweetie?Advice?Orformetolisten?”
“Advice.Ireallyneedadvice.”
“Good,causeyouweregonnagetiteitherway.”Hergrinpullsonefrommeinreturn.“Truthbetold,I’vebeenwaitingforthisday.You’vebeenoverdueagoodgrievingforyourparents.”
Ishakemyhead.“That’snotwhatthisis.I’mnotgrieving.”IpauseandMabeljustwatchesme.“I’mnot.Theydieddecadesago,Mabel.I’velivedawholelifewithoutthem.Ibarelyknowanythingaboutthepeoplewhogavemelifeasidefromthecrumbsthatmysiblingstellme.Andtherestoftheirmemoriesarebottledupinawomanwhocan’tfindthem,andI’mthisclosetolosingherforgood,”Isay,holdingupmythumbandforefingertoshowthemostdepressinglysmallmeasurement.
Idon’trealizeI’mcryingduringallofthisuntilMabelhandsmeapapernapkinacrossthetable.IblotmyeyesandthankmyluckystarsthatIdidn’twearmascaratoday.
“That’sgrief,Annie.Andit’sokay.Grief—thatmeansonofabitch—doesn’thaveatimelineorrules.Ithitswhenitwants.Evenwithme—sometimesIfeelallhealedup,andthenrandomlyI’llcatchascentthatsmellslikemyhusband’scologne,andI’llloseitinanaisleatthemarket.Itdoesn’tmakesense,grief.AndI’veknownyouthroughitall,andI’veneverseenyougrieveoveryourparents.Why?”
MylipsquiverandIaimmygazedownatmylap.“Ididn’tthinkIwasallowedto.”
“But,honey,whywouldyouthinkthat?”Hertendervoiceripsmyheartfrommychest,andIfeellikeI’mbleedingoutintheformoftears.
“BecauseIdidn’tknowthemenoughtogrievethem.ButNoahandEmilyandevenMadisondid.TheyhavespecificmemoriesthatIdon’t.IjusthaveaholeinmyheartthatIcan’tseemtofullyfill,andI’mnotreallysurewhyit’sthere.”
Wait.
Suddenly,likeastrikeoflightning,IrealizethatI’vebeenchasingthewrongthings.Ihaven’tneededahusband.Oreventofindmyself.Ithinkthisemptinesshasbeenaresultofconstantlyisolatingmyselffrommyfeelings.IknowwhoIamandwhatIwantoutoflife—I’vejustbeenignoringthoseneeds.
“Don’tyoursiblingstalkaboutyourparentsmuch?”
Again,Ishakemyhead.“No.AndaskingquestionsaboutMomandDadhasalwaysmadeeveryoneshutdown.Itseemedtoopainfulforthemtotalktomeabouttheirmemories.SoIquittrying—Ididn’twanttoaddmoregrieftotheirpain.Ijuststoppedacknowledgingmyownsadnessandfocusedoneveryoneelse’sinstead.It’sworked.Itmadethemfeelbetterandinreturn,itmademefeelgood.”
“Untilitdidn’t.”
Isighandnod.“Untilitdidn’t.AndnowI’velivedsomuchofmylifewithoutsharingwhoIamwiththem,thatIdon’tknowhowtostart.Idon’tknowhowtotellthemthatthisversionofmethey’veseenforsolongisnotnecessarilytruetomeanymore.”
“Yousaythat.Exactlythat.”
“They’llbehurt,Mabel.MyfamilylovesmesomuchthattofindoutI’vebeenlyingtothemalltheseyears—”
“Exactly,honey.Theyloveyousomuch.Honestyisagift,Annie.Andifyoureallylovethem,too,you’llbehonestwiththemaboutwhoyouare.AndasforWilliam…”Hearinghisnamementionedsuddenlyinthisconversationhasmenearlyjumpinginmyseat.“Don’tgiveuponhim.”
“ButMabel…”
“Don’t‘butMabel’me…ifyoulovethatboy,don’tgiveuponhim,Annie.Heneedssomeonetofightforhim,likeyou’veneededsomeonetofightforyou.AndI’mnotsayingit’sgoingtolookconventional,oranythinglikeyou’vealwayspictured,orevenanythinglikewhatyourparentshad…”Shesmilesandit’sasmilefullofmemories.“Butmaybeit’llbesomethingevenbetter.”
“Ormaybeit’llcrashandburnandhurt.”
“Ormaybethat.”
Ilaughuntilwebothgrowsomberagain.“Whatwouldmymomhavesaid?”
“Hmm,”Mabelsays,pursingherlipsandsquintinghereyes.“Charlottewasallaboutlivinginthemoment.Idon’trememberhereverthinkingtoofarinthefutureaboutstuff—andsometimesthatgotherintoalotoftrouble.”Mabelsmilesfondly,andIsuddenlygrievethatIhaven’ttriedtotalktoheraboutmyparentssooner.“Yourgrandmausedtocometomecomplainingaboutherwildgirlallthetime—buttherewasalwaysatwinkleinyourgrandma’seyeslikeshecouldn’thelpbutbeproudofherstrong-willeddaughter.SoIdon’tknowwhatshewould’vesaidexactly,butIhaveafeelingitwouldhavebeensomethingalongthelinesoffollowingyourheartoryourgut,whateverthehellyouwanttocallit.”
IdoubtMabelknowsjusthowmuchI’mgoingtoclingtothosewords.
“WhileI’mnotyourmamaoryourgrandma,butsomeonewho’slivedalongtimeandloveddeeperthanIcouldeverdescribetoyou,I’dsaythatIregretthethingsIneversaidwaymorethanthethingsIhavesaid.Ifyoulovehim—behonest.Withyourselfandwithhim.Andthentakeitfromthere.Don’tdenyyourselfanymore,Annie.”
IlookatMabelwithawaterysmile.“Iloveyou,Mabel.”
Shewavesmeofflikeshedoesn’tneedfrillywordslikethat,butIseethewayhereyesmistoverasshelooksaway.“Loveyou,too,Annie-bananie.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREEWill
I’monsurveillancedutytoday.Idon’tnormallydothisjobbecauseit’sthebaneofmyexistence,buttheguywhousuallysitsinhereduringthedayandwatchesthecamerasaroundAmelia’spropertycalledmeinbetweenboutsofvomitingthismorningandneededmetocoverforhim.
ThisistheonlypartofthisjobthatIhate—sedentary,actionlesswatching.Notgoingtolie,itfeelspointless.MytimeasAmelia’sbodyguardhereinRomehasbeenveryuneventful.Whichisamazingforher—boringforme.Thethreattoheroutherehasbeenprettymuchnonexistent.Honestly,thistowndoessuchagreatjobkeepingwatchoverherallontheirown.I’mnotevensuresheneedsabodyguardhere.Ifanyonecatcheswindofpaparazziorsuspiciouspeopleresemblingfansinthetown,thephonesstartringing.Onebyoneresidentstricklethroughthetownsquareuntileveryoneisalerted,andAmeliaissafelytakenoutthebackentrancetohertruckanddrivenhome.
WhichiswhyI’mnotneeded.ItwouldhavebeenhardformetoleaveknowingAmeliawasinrealdanger,buttheonlydangertoherrightnowisstubbinghertoeonthefrontstoopofherhouse.Timetomoveon.It’sgoingtobesogreattokeepbusyandexplorenewplacesagain.TonothavetodealwithMabel’snightlychamomileteachecks.OrPhil’sconstantbadgeringaboutwhateversalehe’srunning.OrthismeddlingtowntryingtopetitionAnnieandmeapart.OrtheconstanttemptationtotakeAnnieinmyarmsandmakelovetoherwithpromisesandplans.It’salltoomuch.I’vedecidedEthanwasright,andeventuallyI’dlikerootsandstability,butI’llcatchitonthenextroundwithsomeoneIdon’tloveasmuchasAnnie.I’mnotreadyyet.Ican’tdoit.
Tokillthetime,Idorotationsofpush-upsandsit-upsforawhile.Afterthat,andwhenmylegstartsbouncingagain,Isetupmylaptopinfrontofthesecurityscreensandopenthewebbrowser.Idon’tevenknowwhy,butbeforeIrealizeit,I’mtypinginthelocalcommunitycollege.It’sbeenbuzzingaroundmyheadlikeanannoyingflyeversinceAnnieaskedmeifIregretnotgoingtoschool.
AsIscrollthroughthewebsite,I’mbombardedwithpicturesofhappystudentseatingtogetheratanoutsidetable,studyingtogetherinalibrary,diligentlytakingnotesinclasswearing—youguessedit—bigolesmiles.Noneofthatlooksappealing.ButasIscrolldownfarther,Iseeasectionlistingtheirfeaturedprograms,andIcan’thelpbutwonderwhatIwoulddoifIwasn’tabodyguard.InhighschoolIhadplansforbecominganengineer,butIdon’tthinkthatwaseverreallymydream.Itwasjustthemostimportant-soundingcareerIcouldthinkoftoimpressmyparents.
Ididenjoymath,though.Alot.Stilldo.
MycursorhoversoverEducationinthelistofprograms,andIpicturemyselfstandinginfrontofagroupofstudents,pointingtomynameonthewhiteboard.AndthenAnniestepsthroughtheclassroomdoorwithanapologeticsmileandhandsmethecoffeethermosIleftonthecounterthatmorning.
Iimmediatelyslamthelaptopshut.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”ImuttertomyselfasIrunmyhandsthroughmyhair.
Isthisgoingtobehowitisfromnowon?AmIgoingtoconstantlybethinkingofAnnie?Whatcoloroverallsshe’swearingthatday?Whatshe’sbeenupto?Isshedatinganyone?IshegoingtobeabletogivehereverythingIcan’t?Willtheyhaveafamily?Babies?Damn,he’sgoingtosleepwithAnnie.He’sgoingtoholdherandtouchherand…great,nowI’mjustpissed.
I’mirrationallyangrytowardadudewhodoesn’tevenexistyet.Ijustneedtotexther.Onetexttoseehowshe’sdoing,andthenthatwillputmymindatease.
ButwhenIgetoutmyphone,aperimeterbreechnotificationpopsupononeofmyscreens.Ameliaisnotexpectinganyonebecauseshedecidedtospendthedayinthestudio.Mybodyimmediatelygoesonalertasmyeyesscanthemonitor.Shit.SomedudewearingaT-shirtwithAmelia’sfaceblownuptomaximumsizehasclimbedthegateandiscurrentlyrunningupherdrivewayholdingabox.Somuchforuneventful.
Ijumpfrommychairandittopplesoverbehindme.Intwosecondsflat,I’moutthedoorandrunningatfullspeedbehindhim.“Stop!”Iyell,knowinghe’snotgoingto.Obsessivefanslikethisneverdo.
“I’mnotgoingtohurther,”heyellsoverhisshoulder,tuckingtheboxunderhisarmlikehe’scarryingagame-winningfootballtotheendzone.
“Great,thenstopwhereyouareandwecantalk!”
“NotuntilsheseeswhatIhaveforherinthisbox.”
Pleasedon’tbesomethingnasty.
Hedoublesdownonhissprint,buthe’snotfastenough.Icatchuptohimquickerthanhewasanticipating,andslamhimtotheground.CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOURAnnie
Mysistersarefinallyhomefromtheirtrip,andtonightisAmelia’sbachelorettepartyatourhouse.Shedidn’twanttogooutandparty—surprise,surprise—shewantedtostayinandwatchanAudreyHepburnmovie.Westillmadeherwearasashandaveil,andwehungspicylingerieallovertheroom.Oh,andwe’reallwearingpenisnecklaces.Sothat’sfun.
Theweddingisonlytwodaysaway.Allthedetailsarefinalized,andAmelia’sdresscamebackfromtheseamstresstodayanditfitslikeaglove.Everyoneseemstoberemarkablycalmabouttheimpendingnuptials.Notme.Becausewhatitallmeansisthatinthreedays,Willisgoingtobegonefrommylifeforgood.
I’mtryingwithallmymighttopayattentiontomysister’sstoryabouthowinMexicoamaleteachergotwildlydrunkandwentstreakingdownthebeachandwasn’tfounduntilanhourbeforetheirflightthenextday,buttnakedonthebeach,rearendpointeduptothesky,butmymindcan’tseemtostayput.Instead,it’swillingmyphonetolightupwithatextmessagefromabodyguard.
“AndIdidn’tgettoseeit,but,apparently,hiswhiteasswasfriedlikealobster!”Maddiewincesandlooksatmeexpectantly.WhenIsmile,pretendingI’mactuallyengagedinherstory,shefrowns.“You’renotgoingtopulloutthetallybook?”
“Huh?Forwhat?”
“Forsayingass,”saysMaddiewithaduhexpression.
“Yougetafreebietonight.”
Allthreewomengasp.
“Somethingiswrongwithyou.Youhaven’trecoveredfromyourcoldyet.Areyoudying?”saysEmilywithaslightlaugh,only10percentkiddingbuttryingtoconvinceusshe’snot90percentworried.
“I’mfine,Em.Justdistracted.”Iunconsciouslylookdownatmyphone.
Theyallstareatmeexpectantly.“Distractedabout…”
Ilookatthem.“Stuff.”
Maddielaughs.Emilygroans.
“Iswearyou’rehardertogetinformationfromthanNoah,”Ameliasayswithanaffectionatesmile.
Ishrug,thinkingthere’sonlyonepersoninthisworldthatI’veeverfeltliketellingeverythingto.Great,andnowI’msad.I’mneversad.Ihavethisuncannyabilitytoseethepositiveinmostsituations,butIdon’tseeitnow.IhavethissinkingfeelingthatWillisgonefrommeforever—justasIknewfromthebeginninghewouldbe.Thiswholesituationhasturnedmeintoanangstypessimist!Howdareit!
“You’vebeenoverherehuffingandpuffingallnightandscowlingdownatyourphonelikeitpinchedGrandma,”shesays,adjustingherbodytofacemeonthecouch.
“SpeakingofGrandma,howwasshewhenyouguyswenttovisithertoday?”Iaskmysisters,knowingtheywentfirstthingwhentheygotbackintownthismorning.
Madisonthrowsapillowatmyface.“Nofreakingwayareyoudistractingusthateasily.Grandmawasfine—nowwhat’swrongwithyou,myangeliclittlebuttercup?Yourpetalsaredrooping.”
KnowingMaddieusuallyspeaksininappropriateinnuendo,Ilookdownatmychest.
“I’mnottalkingaboutyourboobs,Annie.DidsomethinghappenwithWill?”Madisonjumpsonthecouchbesidemesoshecanfixmewithacloser-than-comfortablestare.
“Didhehurtyou?Thatjerk,I’llwaxhimfromheadtotoe!”saysEmily,standingfromherchair.
“Sitdown,Emily.Hedidn’thurtme.”
Emilyfoldsherarms.“I’llonlysitifyoutellmeexactlywhathedidtoyouandwhyit’smakingyouwiltlikeasunflowerwithoutwater.”
“Somanyfloweranalogiestoday.”
Madisonnudgesme.“Isitthathewantedtotakeyourlessonstothenextlevelandhavesex?Don’tfeelbadforwaitinguntilmarriage,though—everyoneknowsitcomeswiththeterritoryofdatingAngelAnnie.Sticktoyourrulesbecauseyou’regoingtohavetoputinagoodwordwiththeAlmightytogetusintoheavenwithyou!Heavendoesacceptplus-ones,right?”
I’mimmediatelyangry.It’snotagentlemovementonthemeterfromgreentoyellowtored.It’scalmtolividinonesecondflat.Atfirst,ItrytoswallowmyfeelingssoIdon’tupsetanyone,butthenIhearMabel’svoiceinmyhead:Tellyoursistersthetruth.
“Maddie,Ineedyoutostopsayingthingslikethat.It’ssofrustratingtome.”
Madison’sheadtipsbackalittle,andhereyeswiden.Everyoneelseseemstoostunnedtospeak.That’sfinebecauseIhavemorethanenoughtosayrightnow.“Andplease,I’mbeggingyoutostopcallingmeAngelAnnie.Ihateit.I’vehateditforever.Iknowyoudon’tmeanitasabadthing—butitfeelslikeone.ItputsmeinthissuffocatinglittleboxthatIcan’tclimboutof.”
“Annie…whereisthiscomingfromallofasudden?”asksEmily,lookingstartled.
Isighandthen,yep,thetearsfinallycatchuptomyanger.“It’scomingfromyearsandyearsofswallowedfeelingsthatIwastooafraidtovoice.Andthat’smyfault.Ihaven’tbeentruthfulwithyouguysatall—andnowIfeellikeyoudon’tevenknowme.”
“Thatcan’tbetrue,”Maddiesays,shakingherheadandtryingtocatchup.
“Itis—andI’llproveit.WillwasactuallyactingasmydatingcoachbecauseIdidgooutwithHotBankTeller,andhebailedinthemiddleofthedatebecauseIwassoboring.”
Emilygetsangrycreasesbetweenhereyes.“Thatsonof—”
Iholdupahandinherdirection.“Butit’snotabouthim.WhatIrealizedisthatIhavebeenboring.I’vebeenhidingsomuchofmyselfallthistimetofitintothemoldIaccidentallymadeasakid.IneverreallythoughtIwasaffectedbythedeathsofMomandDadlikeyouguyswere,butitturnsoutthatmyperfectionismhasbeenonebigcopingmechanism.Ineverwantedtorocktheboatoraddmorehurtorstresstoanyone’slives,soIbecamethisalways-sunnyversionofmyself,which…iskillingme.”
Tearsstartrollingdownmycheeksnowandinsteadofgettingangryatme,Maddietipsforwardandtakesmyhand.Shedoesn’tsayanything,justsqueezesinago-aheadsortofway.
“Y’all,IhatetheNoSwearNotebook.Iloathethatthing.ButIkeepitupforyouguysbecauseitseemedimportanttoyou.”Iraiseandlowermyshouldersinanexaggeratedshrug.“Idon’tevenrememberhowitstarted!Buttruthfully,Icouldcarelesswhetheryouguyscurseornot.Oh!Andyeah,it’strue—Idon’tlikecasualsex.I’manemotionalpersonandI’llneedanemotionalconnectionbeforeIsleepwithsomeone.AndIreallyneedforyouguystostopturningthatintoapunchline.”
“Wedidn’tmakeitapunchline!Or…notintentionally,”Emilysaysdefensively.
“Italwaysfeltlikeone,though.Everytimeyouguyscallmesweetorrefertomeasacheruborsomeonewhonevermakesmistakes—itfeelslikeyou’resayingitinabelittlingway.”
“Okay—Idohearyou,butroastingeachotheriswhatwedo!It’showweshowourlove.”
“AndIunderstandthattoo.Butyoucan’tonlyrefertothoseaspectsofmeinajoke.Youneedtospreadtheteasingaround.Makefunofmystinkyfeet,orthatIsnoreatnight,orsomeotherrandomshit.Don’talwaysgoaftermypersonality,becauseitstartstomakeitfeellikeafaultinme.”
MaddielooksatEmily.“Didshejustsayshit?”
“Ithinkshedid.”
I’monarollnow,though.MyadrenalineispumpingsohardIcouldwalkoutsideandliftthishouseabovemyhead.Icouldcrackitdownthemiddlewithmybarehands.“Andthat’snotall!”Isaylikeanoverexuberantinfomercialhost.
Idartfromtheroomandreturn,pushingmyboxofromancenovels.“I’maromancereader,”Isayfirmly,likethisisthebiggestrevealofall.“Andsexypirateromancesaremyfavorite.Ihavefantasiesofmeninbuckskinbreecheswearinganearringandmakinglovetomeonthehelmofaship!Butmoreimportant,IhavefantasiesofWillGriffinbeingthepiratetodoit!AndI’veaccidentallyfalleninlovewithhimandhe’sleavinginthreedaysandhe’snevergoingtolookbackandnowI’veprobablyruinedmyrelationshipwithyouguystoo—andI’msosorry.”
Icollapseintoaheaponthefloornow.Puttingmyhandsovermyfaceandcryingintomyhands.I’veneverbeenthisdramaticinmyentirelife,andI’msurethattomorrowI’llfeelembarrassedaboutit.Butfortonight,Ijustneedtobeauthenticallyme.Messyembarrassingemotionsandall.“I’msosorryIhaven’tbeenhonestwithyouguys.Ijustdidn’tknowhow.Andnow…”
SuddenlyIfeelbodiesnearmeandarmswrappingaroundme.
“Shh,Annie!It’sokay!”Maddiesayswithherfacepressingintomynecksoshecanhugmetighter.
“Weloveyou,”Emilyadds,brushingmyhairbackawayfrommyfaceliketheaffectionatemotherhensheis.“Everythingaboutyou.I’msosorryyoufeltlikeyoucouldn’tbehonestwithusorthatweweremakingfunofhowkindandsweetyouare.I’msorrywemadeyoufeellikethat’stheonlyversionyoucouldbeofyourselfaroundus.”
Ameliaisheretoo.“AndI’msorrythatI’veencouragedyourconstantsunniness.I—morethananyone—shouldhaveseenthesignsthatyouwereworn-outfromalwayshavingtobeperfect,butIdidn’tseeit.”
Weareallfoursobbingnow.Noneofusreallysoundcoherent,andyetweallunderstandoneanotherperfectly.
“No,it’sokay,”IsaytoAmeliawhilereachingupandremovingherpenisnecklacethat’spokingmeintheeye.“It’snoone’sfault.”
Afteraminute,Maddiestandsup.“Becausewe’reallbeinghonesthere,Ihaveafewthingstosaytoo.”Shetakesabreath.“Ihaven’tbeentotallyhonestwithyouguyseither.IappliedtoTheCulinaryInstituteofAmerica,and…Igotin.Ienrolledforthisupcomingfallsemester,andI’mgoing.”ShelevelsafirmlookatEmily.“I’mgoingnomatterwhatanyonehastosayaboutit.”
There’ssomuchsilence.Idon’tthinkanyoneisevenbreathing.We’rejustabsorbing.
Andthen…
“Finally!”weallsayinunisonbeforetacklingMadisontotheground.
“Maddie!I’msohappyforyou!”Isay,kissingMaddie’scheekuntilitsmooshesup.
“Ihateyouforleavingus,”saysEmily,“butI’msohappythatyouarefinallyfollowingyourdreams.”
“Doesthismeanyou’renotmadatme?”Maddieasksthroughherlaughter.
Ipullbackandfrownlightly.“Whywouldwebemadatyou?”
Sheshrugs.“WhywouldIbemadatyouforaskingmenottocallyouAngelAnnieanymore?”
“Touché.”
“Butactually—Ihaveonemoresecrettoo.Ithinkyou’regoingtolikethisone,though.”Maddiedisappearsintoherroomandcomesbackoutholding…abox.Shesetsitnexttomineandthentellsmetolookinside.
IopentheflapandthenlaughsoloudlywhenIseeapileofbodice-rippingromances.
Shegrins.“I’mmoreintodukesandearlsthanpirates,though.”
Ipressmyhandtomyheart.“YoulikemenwithBigDukeEnergytoo?”
“Ohyeah.IalsohaveaBookstagramaccount.It’showIactuallylearnedaboutthetermsternbrunchdaddy.”
Emilythengroansbesidemeandstands.“Fine.Ifwe’realldoingthis,Idon’twanttobeleftout.”
Wanttotakeaguesswhatshegoesandgets?Herownbox.Andaswealldissolvewithlaughterpullingherlittlemass-marketpaperbacksfromtheirhidingplace,welearnthatEmilyhasamajorthingforScottishromances.
Ameliapoutsbecauseshedoesn’tlivehereanddoesn’thaveaboxofbooks.Wetellhershecanstillbeapartofourgroup,though,becausewe’llalwayshaveAudrey.Shedoes,however,scoopupanarmloadofbooksfromeachofourboxesandsetsthembythedoortotakehome.
It’sagoodnightandIfeelathousandtimeslighter.Mabelwasright,honestyisagift,andoneIwishIhadsharedwithmysisterssooner.Thenagain,maybeeverythingishappeninginitsownperfectlymessytiming.
Aftersittingtogetheronthefloor,penisnecklacesaroundournecksandunpackingalotofthethingsIadmittedtothem—wealsotalkaboutourparentsandhowIfeelleftoutfromtheirmemories.Emilyadmittedthatit’shardforhertotalkaboutthem,butshewouldtrytodobetter.
AndthenjustwhenIthoughtIwasgoingtogetawayfromthisnightwithoutanyonebeingmadatme,Maddiepinchesmeunderthearm.
“Ow!”Isay,rippingmyarmawayfromher.
“ThatwasfornottellingusaboutJohnandalltheshittystuffhesaidtoyou!”
“Itwasalltooembarrassing,”Isay,shootingmygazetotheground.“NowmorethaneverbecauseI’mheadoverheelsforWill,andhe’salreadymovedonbeforehe’sevenleftRome.Ihaven’theardfromhiminafewdays.”
That’swhenInoticealloftheladiessharingalook.Ameaningfulsomeone’s-gotta-tell-herlook.
“What?Whatisit?”Iask,feelingslightlyfranticnow.
MysisterslooktoAmeliatoexplain.“Letmestartbysaying,he’sokay—”
ShenosoonergetsthewordsoutthanIshoottomyfeet.“Whathappenedtohim?!”
“Ididn’ttellyousoonerbecausehemademepromisenottosayanythinguntilmostofthebruisinghashealed,soitwouldn’tscareyou.”
“OhmyGod,bruising?!”I’mabouttocryagain.IsWillalmostdead?Imagesofhimhookeduptoasadbeepingmachineinthehospitalplaysinmymind.
“Therewasasuperfanwhomadeitontothepremisestheotherday.Hehoppedthegateandthensprinteduptowardthehousebecausehereallywantedmetohaveapairofhisblueunderweartocarrywithmedowntheaisleasmysomethingborrowedandsomethingblue.”
“Thoughtfulofhim,”Maddieinterjects.
“Willhadtotakehimdown,andtheguyturnedouttobereallyaggressiveforsomeonewearingaT-shirtwithmyfacealloverit.”IfeellikeI’mgoingtopassout.“Anyway,Willgotholdofthesituationprettyquickly,buttheguymanagedtogetafewgoodhitsinbeforethat.ButwhenWilltackledhimontothegraveldriveway,hisshoulderlandedonasharprockanditmadeabiggash—”ShecutsoffasIwhirlaroundandtakeofftowardthedoor,grabmykeys,andslamthedoorbehindmeonmywayout.CHAPTERTHIRTY-FIVEWill
Istepoutoftheshowerandlookinthemirror.Theswellingofmyeyehasgonewaydown,whichisgood,butmyshoulderisstilltender.Ihadtogetfivestitches—whichinthegrandschemeofthingsisnothing.ThepainismanageablewithTylenol,andI’mjustgladAmelia’ssafe.
Theguywasarrestedandtakenintocustody.Beyondthat,it’soutofmyhands.
SuddenlyIhearthesoundofmydoorslamming,andIrealizeIforgottolockit.Adrenalinekicksthroughmyveins.Iquicklythrowatowelaroundmywaistandflingopenthebathroomdoor,readytotakeanintruderbysurpriseratherthantheopposite.Andthat’swhenIseeher,standinginthemiddleofmyroom.
“Annie?”MyshouldersrelaxforonlyasecondbeforeItakeinhowshelooks.“What’swrong?Whythehellareyoubarefootandwearingapenisnecklace?”
She’sbreathingheavilyashereyesscanmybody.“Howdareyou!”
“Me?”Iask,feelingdrunkwithhowdisorientedIam.
“Yes,you!I’msoangrywithyouIcouldtearyouapartlimbbylimb.”
SheadvancestowardmeandinstinctivelyItakeastepaway.“WhatdidIdo?”
“Nothing,Will!”Annie’sblueeyesareblazing.“Andthat’stheproblem.Youwereattackedandinjured,andyoudidn’ttellme.Lookatyou!Youhaveablackeyeandabigbandageonyourshoulder,andyoudidn’timmediatelycallmeandletmecomeoverandtakecareofyou.You’renotjustavoidingme,Will,you’rephasingmeout.”
Shewagsherfingeratme.“Don’tbotherdenyingitbecausewhetheryoulikeitornot,WilliamGriffin,Iknowyou.”Shedoesn’tevenstoptobreathe.Thelungcapacityonthiswomanisimpressive.“Butyoucan’tphasemeout.Iwon’tletyou!Ifyouneverwantanythingromantic,fine.ButIcan’tgothroughlifewithoutknowingyou,andtalkingtoyou,andholdingyourhandwhenIgoonanadventurebecauseyoupromised.BecauseI’veneverfeltwithanyonewhatIfeelwithyou.”
Herchestisheavingandherfaceisflushedandhereyesareteary.
“Saysomething…”shedemands,someofherblusterfailingnow.
Ilaugh.“Oh,it’smyturnnow?”
“Yes,obviouslythatwasyourcue,”sheconcedes,butthenhereyesdroptomytorsoandthetowelbarelyhangingonaroundmywaist,andshefrowns.“Butyou’renaked.AndIthinkI’mgoingtohaveaveryhardtimepayingattentiontoanythingyousaywhileyou’renaked.”
“I’mnotnaked,I’mwearingatowel—”
Atthatexactmoment,saidtoweldropsfrommywaist,andIamnow,infact,verynaked.NakedandwetfrommyshowerandstandingfullyfrontaltoAnnie.IimmediatelycupmyhandsinfrontofmeasAnnie’sjawhitsthefloor.“Ohmygosh,”shesaysinawhisperthatdoesn’tsoundlikeshehateswhatshesees.Whichisnothelpingthehidingofmygroinissue.
“Shit—Annie…wouldyoumind?”
Shesucksinasharpbreathandcovershereyes.“Whydoyoulooklikethat,Will?”
“Likewhat?”Igrabthetowelandfastenitbackinplace.Tightlythistime
“Like…sogood!”shesays,makingmesmile.“Will…youlooklikeanunderwearmodel.Butwithouttheunderwear.Goodgravy,Ijustsawyournakedbody.”
“Couldyoumaybestopyellingthat,though?”
“Sorry.”Herhandisstillfirmlyclaspedtohereyes.“Andyouhaveathightattoo!”
“Ido.”
“It’sawolf.YoureallyareWolfBoy.”
“Youhadnoideahowaccurateyouwereallalong.Okay,youcanlookagain.”
Shedoesn’tmove.
“Annie,youcanuncoveryoureyes.”
Shebreathesinandholdsit.“I’veneverbeeninaroomwithanakedmanbefore,Will,”shesaysthisquietly,likeaconfession.
IwalktoAnnieandslowlypullherhanddownfromherface.Buthereyesareshut.Ican’thelpbutlaugh.“Openyoureyes.It’sjustme.”
“Justme,hesays.Likehe’snotthemostgorgeouspersonmyeyeshaveeverbeheld.”Sheraisesherlashestentatively—asquintatfirst—andthenfullyopen.
“Thankyou,”Isaysoftly.I’mnotsureI’veeverhadanyonecomplimentmequitelikethatbefore.Ormaybeit’sthatI’veneverhadsomeonelikeAnniecomplimentmebefore.Itshakesmyalreadyshakenself.“You’rethemostgorgeouspersonI’veeverbeheldtoo.”
“Thankyou.”Shesmilesshyly.
“Youwereright,though.”
“Aboutlookinglikeanunderwearmodel?Iknow,youhavetheVthat—”
Icoverherlipswithmyfingers.“Aboutmephasingyouout.”
“Oh,”shesaidfromtheothersideofmyhand.Ilowerit.“Becauseyoudon’thavefeelingsformeafterall?”
Ishakemyhead.“Thecompleteopposite.MyplanwastorunasfastasIcouldawayfromyou.”Ismile.“Thanksforchasingafterme.”
Sheblinks.“Always.”
Thetensionbetweenusgrows—cracklingandsteamingtolife.Andmorethananythingrightnow,IwantAnnie.AllofAnnie.Allofus.
“Youshouldprobablygo,”Itellherasmyeyesdroptohermouth.
“Probably,yeah,”shesayssteppingevencloserandsettlingherfingersgentlytomybarestomach.MymusclesclenchandIgritmyteethasherfingerstraillowertothetopofmytowel.“ButIdon’twantto.”
“Annie…”Mypleaisraggedfromhavingtoholdbackfrommyowndesire.I’mtryingsohardtobeupstandinghere,butshe’smakingitsodamndifficult.“Wehaven’tfiguredanythingoutyetbetweenus,andifyoustay…”
“I’mstaying,”shesaysfirmly,leavingnoroomforargument.SheknowswhosheisandwhatshewantsandIsureashellamnotgoingtostandinthewayofit.
Iremoveherfingersfromthetopofthetowel,andamomentofhurtflashesthroughhereyesbeforeItakethosefingersandraisethemtomylipstokisseachoneinstead.CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIXAnnie
IsuckinabreathasWill’shandsmovetowraparoundmyhips—hisfacehoveringtorturouslyinthecrookofmyneckandthecurveofmyshoulder.
Hekissesmeonceandpullsawaytolookintomyeyes.Thatdangerousrimisovercomebytheblackcenterofhiseyes—darkeningandspreading.Hisjawsclenchandheswallows,takingmyhandandraisingitbetweenus.HeslowlyslideshisfingersbetweenmineandIdon’tthinkit’sagoodthingthatIalreadywanttomoanfromthatsmallcontact.
Hissmileslants.Heknows.
“Iwantyoutofeelabsolutelycomfortable.Wegoonlyasfarasyouwant—andatwhateverpaceyouwant.Andifatanypointyouwanttostop,justsayitandwewill.”Hesaysthiswhileslowlyunlatchingoneoverallstrap,andthentheother.Theyfalltothefloorwithasatisfyingthunk.ThemeltinggrinthattakesoverhismouthwhenherealizesI’minadifferentpairofbanana-printunderwear(thesebananaswearsunglasses)hasmykneesturningtojelly.Willholdsmeup—againsthimtobeexact—anddropshismouthtomyear.
“Tellmewhatyoulike,”hewhispers,hiswordsalmostmuffledfromhowthey’repressingandnibblingagainstmyskin.
Hisbodyissohardandunyieldingeverywhere,makingheatpoolinallcornersofmybody.
“Idon’t…Idon’tknowwhatIlike,”Isay,thewordsbarelycomingout.
“Yes,youdo.”Herunshismouthagainstmyjaw,sendingshiversdownmyspine.Hetakesourinterlacedhandsandpressesthemabovemyheadagainstthedoor.He’smakingapoint:Youknowyoulikethis.It’sthesameasthedaywepracticed,butdifferent.SodifferentbecausethistimeWill’smouthiskissingmyneck.Mycollarbones.He’snotholdingbackandIdon’twanthimto.“Youknow.Trustyourselfandthentellme,Annie.It’sjustmeandyou.”
Andhe’sright.IdoknowwhatIlikeandwant,andsomehow,havinghimtrustandbelievethataboutmyself,sendsasurgeofconfidenceaswellasafreshwaveofdesirethroughme.
Idecidetobebrave.
IlowermyhandstolooparoundWill’sneck.Headjuststolookintomyeyes—tryingtoreadmeasalways.Tryingtogetonestepahead.Beforehecan,Iriseupandfirmlypressmymouthtohis.Hesucksinasharpbreathandhishandsgripmetighter.
I’vebeensomeasuredandcontrolledandcarefulmywholelife,andIcan’tbringmyselftobethatwaytonight.Iwanttobelostforawhile.
IhopupandWillcatchesmeasIwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist.Hismouthexploresmineindeep,hotcaressesandbeforeIknowit,mybackislandinggentlyonthemattress.Iscootuptothepillow,noticingthatitsmellslikeWill,acrisp,cleanscent.Heclimbsovermeandpresseshismouthdownontomine,coaxingandsosensualI’mdrunkanddazed.
“Beautiful,”hesaysreverentlyafterhishandsslideupmyhipsandribsandpeelmyshirtoff.Hekissesmystomach,andthenrunshistonguearoundtherimofmybellybutton.“Andyou’resosweet.”Butthistime,whenhesayssweet,Idon’tcringe.MystomachswoopsbecauseonlyWillcancallmesweetinawaythatdoesnotfeelsweet.
Itdoesn’ttakelongforustoloseeverystitchofclothing.Andwhenweareskintoskin,Ishouldfeelscared.Terrified.Instead,thetopsofWill’sbareshouldersarebacklitbythemoon,andIstudytheshapeofhismusclesastheyshiftandflex.I’mrelaxedandsafeandjoyful—andcompletelyinaweofthewayhisbodymoveswithconfidentease.Howhishandsglideovermewithtendercareandexpertprecision.Andfortherestofthenight,wegetlostinthesheetsandWillteachesmethingsIneverknewIneededtolearn.
Timemovestooquickly,andIknowfortherestofmylifeI’llrememberthisnightwithWillinthisroom.I’llremembertheflashesofhisdarkeyes,andhishandspressedintothemattressbesidemyface.Hisforearmsflexingandourbodiestogether.I’llrememberthetasteofsweatandthesmellofbodywashandthewarmthofourshowersomewherearoundtwoa.m.
Andatsomepoint,whenthesunisstartingtokissthehorizonjustastenderlyasWilliskissingmyshoulder,whenwe’rebothexhaustedandindesperateneedofsleep,Willpullsmebackagainsthischest,wrappinghisarmtightlyaroundmybodytojustholdme,andIdon’tthinkanythingcouldbemoreperfect.CHAPTERTHIRTY-SEVENWill
IholdAnnie’shandaswewalkthroughtowntowardthedinerthenextmorning.Ittookamonumentaleffortformetogetoutofbedandcomewithhertobreakfastratherthanaskinghertotakeupresidencewithmeinthatroomandneverleave.She…Annie…Was…AndI…We…
Sogood.
I’vehadsexbefore,andit’salwaysbeengreat,butneverinmylifehaveImadelovetosomeone.AndIcannowsaywithabsolutecertainty—there’snothinglikeit.AndnowthatI’vehadAnnieinmyarms,Ican’timagineeverwantinganyoneelse.
WewalkincompanionablesilenceuntilsomethingcatchesAnnie’seyeandshepullsmetoastop.“Hangon,”shesays,lettinggototakeafewstepsbackwardandlookoverhershoulder.Shegasps.“Ohmygosh,Iknewit.”
“Whatisit?”Iask,followinghergazetoComfortQuiltsacrossthestreet.ThroughtheglassIcanseewaytoomanypeoplecrammedintooneplace.“Whatthehellishappeninginthere?”
IcannowfeeltheangerradiatingfromAnnieasshepullsherhandfrommygripandplantsitsternlyonherhip.God—herhips.No,notgoingthererightnow.“Animpromptutownmeeting,that’swhat.”IwatchAnnietruckitacrossthestreet,ponytailswingingwildlybehindher.I’mdoingeverythingIcantokeepup,butI’veneverseenthiswomansodetermined.Exceptformaybelastnight.(Again,notthinkingaboutit.)
“I’mguessingyou’renothappythere’sanimpromptutownmeeting?”
“NotwhenIwasn’tinvitedtoit.Thatcanonlymeanonething.”
“What?”
Shewhipsaroundjustoutsideoftheshopdoor.“They’retalkingaboutus.”
“Oh.That’sall?Comeon,let’sgogetbreakfast.”Itrytotugherhandtofollowme,butshewon’tbudge.
“Doesitnotbotheryouthatthey’reallintherediscussingourbusinesswithoutus?”
Ilaugh.“Notabit.They’realwaysdiscussingeveryone’sbusinesswithoutthem.”
Shecrossesherarms.“Well,Idon’tlikeitanditmakesmemad.”
Hearingthisnews,Iknowthere’sonlyonethingtodo:steparoundAnnieandopenthedoor.
Shenodsonceandprecedesmeinside.Allofthelocalbusinessownersarestuffedinherelikeprizesinavendingmachine.Thefewshelvescoveredinboltsoffabrichavebeenpushedtothebackoftheroomtoaccommodateallthemetalfoldingchairs.There’sasmallopenareaatthefront,whereHarrietiscurrentlystandingwithaclipboardinherhandaddressingthecrowd.Thisreallyisawholething.Howdothesepeoplehavetimeforthis?Someonehadtobringallofthesechairsandthensetthemup.Incredible.
Whenthebellabovethedoorchimes,everyheadintheroomswivelstoseewhoentered.YoucantelltheywerealreadyonedgewiththeprospectofAnnieshowingup,becausewhentheyrealizeit’sher,there’sacollectivegaspandquietmurmursbegin.
“Uh—Annie…welcome…wewerejust…”
“Oh,saveit!”shesays,movingthroughallthechairstogettothefront.Metalfoldingchairsscreechagainstthefloorinanattempttoshuffleoutofherwayquickly.“Iknowwhaty’allaredoinghere,andyoushouldbeashamedofyourselves.”
AndthenHarrietstepsinfrontofAnnietoblockherspeech.ThetwobegintoquietlybickerandIhangintheback,takinganemptyseatnexttoNoah,whoisbyAmelia,whoisbyEmily,whoisbesideMadison.TheyeachleanforwardtowaveandsmileatmeasIsitdown.“Wonderedify’allwouldmakeit,”saysMaddie.
“Whyareyouguysevenhere?”
Theyeach—includingNoah—lookatmelikeI’moutofmymindforevenaskingthis.“Whywouldn’twebe?”
“Becausethisisaboutyoursister.”
Ameliagruntsalaugh.“AndlastmonthitwasaboutNoahandhowherefusestogivefreepiesforthelocalelementaryschoolfundraiser—thatdidn’tstopmefromgoing.Popcorn?”Sheanglesthebagmyway.
“It’seightinthemorning.”
“So?”
“Youpoppedabagofpopcornateightinthemorning?”Iask,andshejustshrugs.IlookatNoah.“Andwhywon’tyouprovidepiesforchildren?”
Noahglaresatme.“Ididprovidepies.Iprovidedtwenty-fivepies.”
Ameliatsks.“Twenty-fiverhubarbpies—andeveryoneknowsthatrhubarbpiesaretheworstpies,soit’slikehedidn’tdonateatall.”
Noahfoldshisarmstighteracrosshischest—clearlytriggered.“Whendideveryonegetsodamnpickyaboutfreestuff?Ihadasurplusofrhubarbthatweek.Theyshouldbegrateful.”
SomeoneinfrontofNoahturnsaroundandglaresathim.“Noonelikestherhubarbpies,Noah.Justgiveusdirtinacupnexttime.”
“Youknowwhat,Jonathan,I’mgoingtotakeeverysinglepieoffthemenuexceptforrhubarbpieuntilyoualllearntobegrateful.”
Acrosstheaisle,someonestandsupandlooksinourdirection.“Beforeyoudo,canIgetafudgepie?Ihavefamilycomingovertonight,andmymother-in-lawswearsIcan’tcook—IwanttomakehereatherwordswhenIserveahomemadedessert.”
Noahgrumblesandthenreachesintohisbackpocketandretrievesanotepad.“Whattime,Jane?”
“CanIpickituparoundthree?”
AnnieandHarrietarestillwhisper-fightinginthefront.
Amanthreerowsupanglesaroundtowardus.“Noah!Canyouputmedownforavanillaapplepiewhileyou’reatit?”
“I’moutofapples—takeitupwithJamesandhisshittyfarm.”
Jamessuddenlystandsupfromthefront.“Damnyou,therewasabeetleinfestation!”
“Hey!”Anniesuddenlyyellsfromthefrontoftheroomwithonesinglereverberatingclap.“Listenup!Nomoretalkingaboutpies.Ihavesomethingtosay.Harriet,sitdown.”
Amelia’sbagofpopcornsuddenlyhoversinfrontofme.IpushitawaywithafrownandfocusonAnnie.
Shebreathesindeepandthenlooksatme.Inodonce,silentlyencouraginghertokeepgoing.
Hershoulderssquare,andthewomanlooksfitforacourtoflawwithhowsternherexpressionis.Damn.It’ssexy.“It’scompletelyunacceptableforyoualltogathertogethertodiscusswaystobreakupmeandWill.”
Mabeltriestointerject.“Buthoney—”
“No!”Sheholdsupherhand.“Everyoneneedstohearthis.Iamsotiredofbeingtreatedlikeachildbythistown.Justbecausehalfofyouhadahandinraisingmedoesn’tgiveyoutherighttomakepetitionsanddictatewhoIcanandcannotdate.IfIwanttobeinarelationshipwithWillGriffin—Iwill,endofstory!”Shesnatchesabrightlycoloredflyerfromanaudiencemember’shand.“Andfurthermore,justbecauseyouguysmadeapetitionandeveryone—”Shecutsherselfoffasshefrownsdownatthepaperinherhands.
I’montheedgeofmyseatnow.Whatisonthatpaper?AndhowisthissuddenlythemostentertainingthingI’vewitnessedinweeks?
Shelowerstheflyerandlooksoutateveryone.“Approves?Youallapprove?”
What?
IsnatchaflyerfromPhil,sittinginfrontofme.
“Nexttime,youngman,justask!”hesaysoverhisshoulderbeforeToddputshishandonPhil’sarmandpatsitgently,earningasofteningofPhil’sshouldersbeforetheyeventuallylockfingers.
“Wait,”IsaytoNoahquietly.“Aretheytogether?”
“Ofcourse.Whatdidyouthink?”
Well.Theoldmarriedcouplevibesmakemoresensenow,that’sforsure.
Iturnmyattentiondowntotheflyer,andsureenough,itshowsthefinaltallyoftownvotesforourrelationship:250votesinfavorofmeandAnniedating,0votesagainst.Thatcan’tberight.
Thisismethey’retalkingaboutdatingAnnie.Idon’tdeserveher.Thisisbullshit.Everysinglepersoninthistownshouldhavevotedagainstme.Dotheynotcareaboutheratall?
Belowthetallyisanagendaforthemeeting:
AddressMarvinusingthemayor’sparkingspot
ShareofficialpetitionresultsfortheAnnieandWillrelationship:rulinginfavorandsupport.
Harrietstandsupagain.“I’lladmitthatatfirstIwasskepticalbecauseofWill’smediareputation.Butthemoreweallwatchedyoutwotogether,themorewesawtherealnessinWill.He’sagoodman.Andfurthermore,wecanseethatyoutwoareclearlyinloveandrightforeachother.Wejustwantyoutobehappy,Annie.Andweseehowhappyhemakesyou.”
I’mstillreelingfromthewordloveusedtodescribemeandAnniesocasually.Mentally,I’mdoubledover,hyperventilating,andtryingtoreachforsomethingtoholdonto.
Mabelsuddenlyshootsupfromherseat.“ButlettherecordshowthatIwasalwaysinfavorofWilliamfromthestart!Harrietonlyjumpedonboardrecently.”
“Oh,sitdown.Noonewantstohearyoutootyourownhorn.”
“Iwillnotsitdown,”Mabelsaysindignantly.“Actually,Iwill,butonlybecausemyhipisactingupandIwanttositdown.Butnotbecauseyoutoldmeto.”
AnnielooksjustasshakenbytheL-wordasIdo.Sheblinkssoftly,handstheflyertoHarriet,andsmiles.Amontageofournighttogetherrunsthroughmyhead,andIassumeit’sdoingthesameforher.AndthenIseethemomentshedecidesshe’smisledthewholetownandneedstocomeclean.
Herbrowspulltogetherasshelooksoutoverthecrowd,andthat’swhenIstandup.“Thanksforthevotes,everyone.Jeanine,areyouheadedbacktothedinersoon?”
Sheblinksatme.“Uh—youcanletyourselfin,hun.Coffee’swarmandGregshouldbeinthekitchen.Bethereinten.”
“Soundsgood.”Igotothefront,takeadazed-lookingAnnie’shand,andstartpullingherwithme.“AndMarvin.Youreallygottastopparkinginthemayor’sspot,man.Notcool,”Isay,shakingmyheadonmywayout
Thesecondweareoutthedoor,IstopandtakeAnnie’sfaceinmyhands,pressingmymouthfirmlytohers,stealinganywordsshewasabouttosayrightfromherlips.Anniewrapsherarmsuparoundmyneckandwebothsimultaneouslydeepenthekissuntilwe’refullblownmakingoutonthesidewalk.Weirdtownmeetingforgotten.
Aminuteortwoorfivelater,wepullawayoutofbreath.Anniepressesherfingerstoherkiss-stolenlipsandblinksatme.Neitherofusknowswhat’shappeninganymore.Andthat’sokay.
“Let’sgogetsomebreakfast,yeah?”
Sheswallows.“Okay.”
IlookovermyshoulderaswecrossthestreetandfindnolessthantwentyfacespeeringoutthewindowofGemma’squiltshop.CHAPTERTHIRTY-EIGHTAnnie
AfteranabnormallyquietbreakfastwhereWillandIdidn’tevencomeclosetodiscussingwhat’sgoingtohappentousafterheleavestownintwoshortdays,Iwenttotheflowershop.It’sclosedtodaysothatIcouldspendthewholeafternoonputtingfinishingtouchesonthearrangementsfortherehearsaldinnertonight.
SomehowImanagedtoblockoutallthoughtsofWillandfocusonmywork.Justkidding!IliterallyzonedoutnolessthantentimeswhenIrealizedIwasreplayingournighttogether.Itturnsoutthatevenafterreadingallofthoseincrediblysteamyscenesinmyhistoricalromancebooks,Iwasinnowaypreparedforhowincredibletherealdealis.Whatitwouldfeelliketobefullyknownbyanotherperson.Tolovesomeoneinatangible,outwardway.
Anditwasalotoffun,sothere’sthattoo.
Anyway,IdidmanagetogetthearrangementsfinishedandloadedupinmytruckandthenunloadedagainatJames’sfarminenoughtimetocomebackhomeandshowerandgetreadyfortheevening.
Andnow,asIstandherestaringatthedressIboughtfortheweddingrehearsalhangingupinmycloset,Iconsidernotgoing.
“Ican’twearthis,”ItellMadison,who’sstandingatmyright.
“Youabsolutelyhavetowearthis!”shesaysemphatically.
“It’stheprettiestdressI’veeverseen,”Emilyaddsfrommyleft.
Thethreeofuscontinuetostareatthepowder-pink,floor-lengthdressandmarvel.Idon’tthinkI’veeverwornanythingsofancy.IboughtitwhenIwasinthethroesofprovingthatIcouldbeAudreyHepburninFunnyFace,andIchosethedressbecauseitwasthesameshadeofpinkastheoverlayshewearsduringherbigrunwayreveal.Therevealwhereshecompletelydazzlesthecrowd.ButnowIdon’tfeellikeIhaveanythingtoprovetomyself,soIconsiderputtingonmyoverallsinstead
“Ohno,youdon’t,”saysMadison,watchingmygazefalltomywell-wornregularattirehangingbehindthestunningdress.“Youcanloveyourselfandlovedressingupinafancydress.Thetwocanbesynonymous.”
BeforeIcanprotest,she’sliftingmyarmsandtakingoffmyshirt,andEmilyisstrippingmypantsoffmylowerhalf.Inamatterofseconds,I’mbeingzippedupinadressthatfitsmelikeaglove.It’ssimple—asoftpinkdresswithasquarenecklineandthicksleevelessstraps.UnlikethedressofEmily’sIworeformydisasterdate,thiscutsoffattheexactperfectspotformycurvyshapeandshortsize—midwaypastmyknees.Butthewildestpartisthesexyslitthatextendsupthesidetomymidthigh.
Ifeelbeautifulandfeminine,andcan’thelpbutsmilewhenIlookinthemirror.
Andanhourlater,assoonasIwalkintothepremisesoftherehearsaldinner,ofcourseJohn—theonemanI’dliketoneverseeagain—cornersmebytheopenbar.NoahandAmeliajusthadtogoandinvitemostofthetown.OfcourseJohnwasn’tinvited—butJeaninewas—andIknowfrombeingwarnedbyAmeliaaftertheRSVPcameinthatJeaninebroughthimasherplus-one.
“Wow,Annie…youlook…incredible.”HewhistlesasheeyesmeheadtotoeinawaythatIreallydon’tthinkheshouldfeelcomfortabledoingafterheditchedmemiddate,andiscurrentlyonadatewithanotherwoman.
Well,Ifeelincredible,butIdidn’tgetthisdressforhim.Orforanyonereally.Iboughtitandamwearingitbecauseitmakesmehappyandconfident.SomuchsothatifsomeoneweretocallmeSweetAnnietonight,Iwouldn’tevenbeoffended.Becauseit’sonlyaninsultifIacceptitasone.
AndthankstoWill,IwillnowforeverandforalwayssmilewhenIhearthatparticularadjective.SpeakingofWill,Ipeekovermyshoulderandlookaroundtheopen-airtenttofindhim,buthe’snothere.Therearebeautifulwarmstringlights,biggorgeousbouquets(courtesyofme),tableswithwhitelinens,andpeopledressedtothenineseverywhereIlook—butnoWill.
IturnbackandalmostforgetIwasmidconversationwithJohn.“Oh,thankyou.Youlooknicetoo.Haveagoodnight,”Isay,takingaglassofwinefromthebarandpreparingtoturn.
“Wait,uh—Annie,”hesaysinasortoffranticrush.“I’mherewithJeaninetonight,butit’snothingserious.SoIwasactuallywonderingifyou’dliketogooutagainsometime?Becausethelasttimegotcutshort…bymyemergency.”
Ha!Thismanhassomenervestillpretendingitwasan“emergency.”AndinsultingJeaninebyaskingoutanotherwomanwhilehe’sonadatewithher.
Isthisreallyhappening?AmIgettingmymoviemoment?TheonewhereI’vebeencompletelytransformedandaminmysexydress,andIgettotelltheloserguywhomademefeellikecowpootogetlostinfrontofeveryone?Itwouldfeelsogood.I’llsmiletheentiretimeIdelivermymonologue,“Idon’tthinkso,onaccountofmebeingtooboringforyou.”
ButthenIrealizethatIdon’tneedthiswin.IhavenothingtoprovetoJohn,andIdon’tcaretowasteasinglesecondonhim.
“Idon’tthinkso.Haveagoodnight,John.”IwalkoffwithmyheadheldhighandreallyhopingthatJeanineisn’tactuallyinterestedinhim.
IweavethroughacrowdofpeopleIdon’trecognizewhoareflockedaroundAmeliaandNoah.Musicbusinessfriends,mostlikely.Shehasn’tinvitedmanypeoplefromherRaeRoselifebecausesheandNoahwantedtokeeptheweddingprettyintimate,butwhenIlookcloser,IdorecognizeAmelia’smom,Claire(herpersonalassistant),andKeysha(hermanager).
ButthenIspotalittlegroupofpeopleIknowgatheredbythehorsd’oeuvrestableandamdrawntothemlikeanytrueintrovertwouldbeatalargeevent
“I’mtellingyou,”MabelsaystoJeanine,Harriet,andJamesasIwalkuptothehuddledgroup.“Ithinkthere’saghostlivinginthetopflooroftheinn.”ShesaysthissopassionatelythatevenIamliftingmybrowandleaningintohearthestory.
“Mabel,there’snosuchthingasghosts,”Jamessayswithagood-naturedsmilebeforetakingadrinkofhisbeer.
Mabelgiveshimaducklipexpressionandjutsoutherhip.“ThenexplaintomewhyIheardallthosesqueakslastnight.”
OfcourseI’mmiddrinkasshesaysthis,whichmakesmesprayitoutofmymouth.Iimmediatelycovermymouth,andJeaninethrustsacocktailnapkininmydirection.
“Goodness,child,”saysMabelwithwide(fartooinnocent)eyes.
Harrietmutterssomethingaboutmannerlessheathenunderherbreath.Somethingsneverchangewithher.
“I’msosorry!”Ipatmymouthafewmoretimesandtrytoregainmywits.“Therewasabuginmydrink,andIdidn’tseeitintime.”
“Ofcourse,hun.Well,anyway…likeIwassaying,therewereallthesesqueakysoundsandthen—evenworse—moans.”SheshakesherheadandthencastsaslylookthatonlyIwouldbeabletosee.Andthat’swhenIrealizesheknowsallaboutwhathappenedlastnightwithWillandisteasingmeinfrontofeveryone.Traitor!
Iclearmythroat,willingmycheeksnottoflame.“Yep!Soundslikeaghosttome.Bettercallsomeoneaboutthat.Well,excuseme,IneedtogocheckonAmelia.Seeya’ll!”
I’moutoftheresofastInearlyrunstraightintosomeone.Thankfully,ahandwithabutterflytattoocoversmywristandstopsmebeforemydrinkcanendupallovereitherofus.IlookupintothesmilingeyesofWill,andmyheartsighswithrelief.
“You’rehere,”Isay,soundingfartoodreamyeventomyownears.Butyouwouldsoundlikethis,too,ifyoucouldseetheman.He’sinanindigo-bluesuitthatfitshimtotailoredperfection.Crispwhitedressshirtunderneathwiththetopbuttonundone.Theonlytattooshowingishisbutterfly,whichforsomereason,knowingwhatelseislivingunderthatsuit,whichnooneelseknowsistherebesidesme,isdrivingmewild.Iwanttounbuttonhimonebyonerighthereinthemiddleoftheparty.Striphimnakedjustlikeheshouldalwaysbe.Hisbodyissimplytoogoodtokeepcovered.
Helowershisvoiceandstepscloserandleansintome,hisonerebelliouslockofhairdashingalmostprovocativelyoverhiseyebrowashedoes.“YouarethemoststunningwomanI’veeverseen.”
Andjustlikethat,myskinistinglingalloverwithrememberedwhispersofhisbodyagainstmine.
“Youlookprettystunningyourself.”Toostunning.“Wait—amIdistractingyoufromyourworkrightnow?”
Heshakeshisheadandwrapshisarmaroundmylowerbacktopullmeinclosetohim.“I’mofftheclocktonight.Well,offtheclockforAmeliaforgood.Myreplacementfromtheagencyshoweduptoday.Danielleisoverthereintheblackpantsuit.She’sassignedtoAmeliafromnowon.”
Iturnmygazetotheverystern-lookingwomanhoveringontheoutskirtsoftheevent.
Mysmilefallsalongwithallmyhopesanddreams.“Sothatmeans…yourjobhereisofficiallyover?”
Heglancesawayandthenbacktome.“ItmeansIgettoenjoythenightbyyourside.”
“Thenight…”Irepeatquietly,feelingjusthowfinaleverythingfeelssuddenly.HowlittletimeIhavetosayeverythingIfeel.
“Will…”Iwrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist.“I…wanttosaythankyou.”
Hiseyebrowgoesup,andacockysmileslantshismouth.“Forlastnight?”
“Foreverything.Forthetutoringandthefriendshipand—”
Hecutsmeoff,playfulnessdissipated.“Wait,wait,wait.Isthisagoodbyespeech?”
IshrugandthendirectmygazetothefloorsoIdon’tcry.“Well,tomorrowisthewedding.I’llbeworkingallmorningtosetupandalsoaftertheweddingtocleanup.Andifyourjobhereisdone,then…”
Willhookshisfingerundermychinandtiltsitup.Beforehesaysanythingelse,hebendsdownandkissesme.Longandslow.It’snotanobscenekiss,butit’ssotendermystomachquivers.Myheartswoons.
Hepullsawayandthenrunsafingersoftlyacrossoneofthebarrelcurlsmysistersputinmyhairearlier,hiseyestracinghisownmovementsashedoes.“NowayinhellamIsayinggoodbyehereinfrontofallthesepeople,Annabell.”Hekissesmeonemoretime.AquickpeckjustasaDJbeginstoplaysoftbackgroundmusicwhileeveryonemingles.
Willsmiles.“Dancewithme?”
Ilookaround.“Uh,Idon’tthinkthisisreallyadancingsortofnight.Everyoneisjusteatingandtalking.”
“Comeon,practiceslowdancingwithme,”hesayswithaplayfulhitchofhischin.Awho-cares-about-anyone-elselook.It’swhatIloveabouthim.
InodandWilltakesmypalminhisandwrapshisotheraroundmywaistashepullsmeintight.Together,hereinthemiddleofthetent,WillandIslowdance.Hishandsplayspossessivelyacrossmybackandthentucksourjoinedhandsupbetweenourchests.Iclosemyeyesandmemorizethewayhesmellsandthefeelofhissuitjacketagainstmycheek.Weswayinrhythmunderthetwinklinglights,andIcanhearthesoundofhisbreathing.HisthumbglidesdelicatelyacrossthebackofmyhandinthemosttenderaffectionI’veeverexperienced.Suddenly,Iwanttobeghimtostay.Stay!Stay!Stay!Neverleave.ForgetD.C.,wecouldbesogoodtogether.Iloveyou.
Offtotheside,IseeAmeliaandNoahstarttowalktowardtheclearinginthefieldwheretheceremonyisgoingtotakeplace,andtheweddingplannerwavesusalltofollow.It’stimetostarttherehearsal.
Willbendsdownandkissesmycheek,andagainIanticipatethesaddestgoodbyeofmylife.“Hey,domeafavorandwearthosebananaPJstonight?”
“Why?”Iask.
Hegrinsandlookseverybitliketheroguishfiendheiswhenhesays,“BecauseI’vedreamedofpeelingthemoffyoumoretimesthanyoucanimagine.Iwanttomakeitarealitytonight.”
Ilaughwhilesimultaneouslytinglingwithanticipation.“Peelthemoff.Iseewhatyoudidthere.Doesthismeanyou’recomingoverlater?”
“Leaveyourwindowopen.”
Sothisisn’tgoodbyeyet?IgetonemorenightwithWillGriffin.
“Youknowyoucanusethefrontdoornow,right?”
“Whatfunwouldthatbe?”Heletsgoofmeandgestureswithhisheadformetofollowtherestoftheweddingpartytothefield.“I’llseeyoutonight,Annabell.”
“Iguessyouwill,William.”
IpeekbackovermyshoulderwhileIwalkawayandfindWillholdinghisphoneinmydirection.Ithinkhejusttookmypicture.
—
Willmadegoodonhispromiseandclimbedthroughmywindowanhourago.Now,heholdsmeagainsthiminmybed—mybananapajamashappilydiscardedtothefloor.It’slate,butmysistersstillaren’thome,andIassumetheyarestayingateitherNoahandAmelia’splaceormaybeevenatJames’shousetogivemeandWillsomeprivacy.I’mgrateful.There’sbeensomuchchangeandsomanyrevelationsduringthelastfewdaysthatIfeellikeI’verunamarathon.Oranironman.OrrunagainstHarrietfortowncouncilwoman.
Tonight,WillandIneverdogetaroundtosayinggoodbyeorwhatwe’lldoafterhe’sgoneorifthere’sevenanythingtobedone,becauseeverytimeItrytobringitup,hechangesthesubject.Instead,wemakeloveandsnuggleandWillkissesmyforeheadmoretimesthanIcancount.Andthat’sthat.ThenextmorningwhenIwakeupandthesunisjustpeekingoverthehorizon,Willisalreadygone.AndthelatestpirateromanceIwasreadingthatwassittingonmybedsidetableisgonetoo.
Didhetakeitasamementoofme?
Whilemakingcoffee,Itellmyselfnottoworry.I’llseehimatthewedding.There’snowayhe’dmissit.Andthere’snowayhewouldactuallyleavewithoutsayinggoodbye.
Right?
ButthenIthinkaboutlastnightandhowheheldmelikehewasafraidIwasslippingaway.Howhekissedme,evenafterwe’dmadelove,untilmymouthwasswollen.Howinthelightofhisabsencethismorning,Irealizethatlastnightfeltalotlikegoodbye.
Andthat’swhenIrealizethathe’snotgoingtobeatthewedding.He’snotevengoingtosaygoodbye—andheintendedforittobethatwayfromthebeginning.
Howdarehe.CHAPTERTHIRTY-NINEAnnie
Theceremonyissettostartinabouttenminutes.I’veneverlovedadressmorethantheonesAmeliaprovidedforusbridesmaids.It’samint-coloredmidiwithaplungingV-shapedbodiceandseverallayersofsoftmeshoverlayattheskirts,addingjustatouchofprincesswhimsy.We’veallbeeninJames’shouseforthelasttwohoursgettingready—NoahandhisgroomsmenononesideandAmeliaandusbridesmaidsontheother.Butwe’vebeenkeptseparatedsowedon’taccidentallygetapeekatoneanotherbeforethewedding.
Imanagedtoslipoutoftheroomwe’vebeenusingasthebridalsuitewithoutEmilynoticing,though,whichfeelslikearealaccomplishment.She’sbeenbarkingordersandmakingsureeveryoneistoeingthelineallmorning.Oh,Ameliahasaweddingplanner,buteventhatwomanseemstobealittleafraidofEmilyandhassteppedbackmorethanoncetoletEmilyruntheshow.Nooneisfiercerthananelementaryschoolteacherwhenit’stimetogetpeopleinorderandholdthemtoaschedule.
ButIwantedaminutealonewithNoahbeforetheceremony,soaftertiptoeingawayfromAmeliaandmysisters,IknockonJames’sbedroomdoor,whereIknowNoahhasbeengettingready.
“Comein.”
Inside,IfindNoahstandingbythewindow,dressedinhistuxandgazingoutoverthefarmthathasbeenturnedintoamagicalweddingvenue.Iwashereallmorningwithafewhiredhandssettingupflowerarrangements,soIdon’tneedtolookoutsidetoknowwhatNoahisseeing.Instead,I’mmoreinterestedinwatchingmybigbrother.Iblinkbacktears,soakinginthesightofthemanwho’scarriedourfamilyfromfartooyounganage,abouttomarrythewomanofhisdreams.Hegetstowalkthroughlifewithhernow—sharehishappinessandhishurts.Andnoonedeservesahappilyeveraftermorethanhim.Iwishmyparentsandmygrandmacouldseehimnow.They’dbesoincrediblyproudofthemanhe’sbecome.
“Hi,”Isay,movingtostandbesidehimatthewindow.
“Hey,you,”hesaysinasofttone,reachingouttowraphisarmaroundmyshoulderandpullmeintoahug.NoahandIhavealwayssharedaspecialbond.Maybeit’sbecausehe’sseveralyearsolderthanmesoweneverfought,ormaybeit’sbecauseheandIarebothquietsouls,butIalwaysfeelcomfortablewithhim.Andhe’snevercalledmeAngelAnnie,sothat’saplus.
“Howisityou’regettingmarriedtoday?”Iaskhim.“JustyesterdayyouwererunningthroughtowninyourSpider-Manunderwear.”
“Howdoyouknowaboutthat?Youweren’tevenaliveyetwhenithappened.Dammit,isMabelspreadingthatstoryouttheretoday?”
“Allmorning,”Isaylookingupathimwithabrightsmile.
Hegroansandstaresupattheceiling.
Ipathischest.“Areyounervous?”
Hetiltshisfacebackdownandfrowns.“Hell,no.I’mreadytogetitdone.Sealthedealandbemarriedtothatwomanalready.”
“Good.Nocoldfeet?BecauseIcouldpullthetruckaroundifyouneedaquickescape.”
“OnlyifAmeliaisescapingwithme.”
Ismile—sohappytoseemybrotherlikethis.MyhearttriestosqueezewhenIthinkaboutthemanwho’smissingfromthisday,butIdon’tletit.
Justasexpected,there’vebeennosignsofWilltoday.Notevenatextmessageoraletterorasigninthesand.Hejustvanished,andahugepartofmeisletdown.Ididn’texpecthimtostickaroundoranything—butIdidanticipatehimatleasthuggingmegoodbye.TellingmethatImeansomethingtohim,evenifit’sjustfriendship.Iwentafterhimoncewhenhepulledaway—twicewouldjustlookdesperate.Ifthisishischoice,Ihavetolethimgo.
“I’msorryheleft,”Noahsayssuddenly—apparentlyreadingtheexpressionthatIwronglythoughtIwaskeepingveryneutral.“IheardhecheckedoutofMabel’sthismorning.”
Oh.
Ihadn’theardthat.SoIguessitisofficial.Hereallydidleave.
Iwavelike,eh,nobigdeal!“Hewasalwayssupposedtogo.”Igiveabigfakesmile.“He’snotbuiltforsettlingdown.Butwehadfunwhilehewashere.”Oofthishurts.Beingfakehappy.Beingfakepositive.
Noahchuckles.“Bullshit,Annie.Don’ttrytofeedmeanyofthatgarbage.Youmisshimlikehell,andyou’remadheleft.”
“Idon’thaveanyrighttobemad.Hewasupfrontabouthowhefeltfromthebeginning.”Ican,however,bemadthatheleftwithoutsayinggoodbye.
Hegivesmeasadsortofsmile.“Theproblemis,you’retryingtorationalizeyourfeelings.Ihavebadnewsforyou,theheartwantswhatitwants,andthere’snotalkingitoutofit.”
“Yousoundlikeafortunecookie.”
Noahwon’tbequippedoutofthisconversation,though.“Didyouaskhimtostay?”
“WouldyouhaveaskedAmeliatostayifshewasdeterminedtoleave?”
Hetickshisheadtotheside.“Goodpoint.”
“Ijustcouldn’tdoit,Noah.Icouldn’taskhimtochangehislifeforme.Hewouldhaveendedupresentingme.”
Heturnstofaceme.“Believeme,Igetwhereyou’recomingfrom.Buthearmeout.Whatifhewaswaitingforaninvitationtostay?”
No…that’snot…hewouldn’thave…Surely,heknew…
Ohno.
We’reinterruptedbyasmallknockonthedoor,followedbyitsopeningcreak.Ameliapeeksherheadinside.“Noah,canIcomein—Oh,Annie!Sorry,Ididn’tknowyouwereinhere!”
IlaughandstepbackfromNoah.“Areyoukidding?It’syourweddingday.Yougettodowhatyouwant!”
Sheopensthedoorandslipsthroughquickly,likethere’samonsteroutsideabouttogobbleherup.“IfEmilyseesmecominginhereshe’sgoingtogoberserk,”shesays,closingthedoorsilentlybehindher.Whensheturnsforwardagain,Iwatchmybrother’sfacemeltintosomethingsotenderIwanttoclutchmyheart.
Hebreathesoutinarushashiseyesdroptotakeinhervintage-inspiredweddinggown.It’smadeofdelicatewhitelaceandisfittedtohereverycurve.Loosecapsleevesoffinesheerlacecoverhershoulders,andthenecklinedipsintoasteepV.Intheback,thedressflowsouttothesmallestsuggestionofatrain.It’sasimpleyetstunninggownthatistheperfectcontrasttoAmelia’sdarkeyesandlooselywavedhair,sweptbackononesidebyapearl-studdedhairclip.
“Amelia,”mybrotherwhispersreverentlyasshecrossestohim.“You’reso,sobeautiful.”
Shesmiles.“Thankyou.Iknowwe’renotsupposedtoseeeachotherbeforetheceremony,but…”ShebreaksoffassheapproachesNoahandhetakesherhand,liftingitaboveherheadtospinheraroundandadmireherfromeveryangle.Andthenhepullsherintohischestandengulfsherinhisarms.“Ijustneededtoseeyoufirst.Andmyweddingplannerkeepsthrowingtasksatme,andIloveyoursister,butI’msecondsfrommurderingEmilybecausesheseemstobetryingtoone-uptheweddingplannerinherbossinessand—”
NoahcapturesAmelia’slips,showingnoreverenceatallforhermakeup.Andthat’swhenIturnawayandquietlyleavetheroom—givingthemthemomentalonetheyneed.
Unfortunately,seeingthemlikethatdoesnothingtoeasethepaininmyheart.HowamIgoingtomoveonfromWill?HowamIevergoingtobeheldbyanothermanandnotwishtheentiretimethatitwasWill?
Andthestrangepartis,IstillthinkmarriageisawonderfulideaandsomethingI’dliketohaveoneday—butI’mnowseeingthatitwasthewrongthingtobeplacingonapedestalofultimatehappiness.Iwaslookingfortheperfectpersonwiththeperfecttraitsandtheperfecttiming,whenreally,allmyheartactuallywantsistobefullyknownandloved.Someonetosharethequietmomentswith—someonetoturntowheneverythingisgoodoreverythingisbad.Someonewhowouldn’tbemadifIsnuckintoseehimbeforetheweddingandruinedtraditions—butwho’dbejustaseagertobewithmeasI’dbewithhim.Someonelike…Will.
ThedetailswereneverasimportantasIthoughttheywere.
Inthehall,I’mnotlookingwhereI’mwalkingandrunsmackintoaman.“Oof!Sorry.”
“Oh,sorryAnnie.Wow,youlooksopretty,”saysJames,admiringmylightbluesilkbridesmaid’sdress.
“Andyoulookverydapper.”IreturnhiscomplimentwitheaseeventhoughIfeellikeshardsofglassarepumpingthroughmyheart.Ijustwanttogetthroughthisdayandmoveon
“Hey,”hesayssuddenly,thelookonhisfacechanging.I’mafraidhe’sgoingtoprodmewithquestionsaboutWilljustlikeeveryoneelse,butheshocksmebygoinginacompletelyunexpecteddirection.“IsittrueaboutMaddie?IsshemovingtoNewYorkforculinaryschool?”
“Ohyeah,it’strue.Canyoubelieveit?We’regoingtohavetobewithoutherfortwoyears.”Ilaughlightly.“Thenagain,thatwillprobablyfeellikeabreakforyoubecauseyouwon’thavetodealwithherconstantbadgeringanymore.”
Iexpecthimtolaughwithme.Hedoesn’t.Helooksoddlytroubledashegazesblanklyatthestairsthatleaduptothebridalsuite.
“Yeah.It’llbenice.”Heclearshisthroat.“Anyway.I’llseeyououtthere.”Hewinksandlightlysqueezesmyelbowashepasses.Iwatchhimgo,wonderingifJameshasasecrettoo.MaybeIdon’tknowhimaswellasIthinkIdo.
—
We’realllinedupinourplacesafterhavingjustwalkeddowntheaisleandaredesperatelytryingtochokebacktearsasNoahescortsMabeltoherseat.Theseatofhonorwherethegroom’sparentswouldusuallybeseated.SnifflessoundallaroundtheaudienceashekissesMabel’scheekandwhisperssomethinginherearbeforetakinghisplaceatthefrontoftheaisle.
Noahcastsonemeaningfulglanceateachofussisters,silentlytellingushowmuchhelovesus.I’mawreck.Holdinginasobhasneverbeensopainful.Andthenthemusicshifts,andtheaudienceturnstolookovertheirshouldersandNoah’sexpressiongutsme.HiseyeslockonAmeliawalkingdowntheaisle,holdingherbouquetofwhite,green,reachesNoah,hetakestwostepsforwardtotakeherhand,likehecouldn’tevenwaitthatlongtotouchher.It’sonlythenthatshereleasesthebreathshetook.
Theystandtogether,gazingintentlyintoeachother’seyesastheofficiantbeginstheceremonyandlookingforalltheworldlikethey’vefoundtheirparadise.
MyeyesstrayfrommybrotherandAmeliatothesightbeyondthem.JamesisstandingbehindNoah,hispainedgazefixedheavilyonaplacejustovermyshoulder.Maddie.Istealonediscreetlookback,andfindhersmilingfondlyatNoahandAmelia,nonethewiserthatamanisstaringatherlikeeverysecondshe’snotinhisarmsistorture.
Iknowthatlook.
AndIcan’thelpbutmirroritasmyeyessearchtheaudience,acutelyfeelingthelossoftheonepersonIlovemorethananythinginthisworld.
—
Theweddingwasbreathtaking.Romanticandtender;andevenifIdosaysomyself,theflowerswerestunning.Yeah,Amelia,youwereagoddess,butlet’sfaceit—everyoneisgoingtobetalkingabouttheflowersforyearstocome.
AndnowNoahandAmeliaareslowdancinginthemiddleofthedancefloorto“TheWayYouLookTonight,”themoonandtwinklystringlightsovertheirheads,swayingwiththeirbodiessocloseitalmostfeelsinappropriatetowatch
Alsoalittlepainfultowatch,ifI’mbeinghonest,becauseitremindsmeofdancingwith…ugh,notthinkingabouthimagain.
Istandupfrommyseatatthereceptiontableandgrabmyhighheelsfromtheground,whereIdiscardedthemtwohoursagowhenmysisterspulledmeontothedancefloorwiththem.Everythingisstartingtowinddown,andAmeliaandNoahwillleavefortheirhoneymoonsoon.Thegeneralatmosphereisrelief.It’sover.Theweddingiscomplete,AmeliaandNoaharehappilymarried,andeverythingcanstartslowingdownandgettingbacktonormal.
ItellEmilyandMaddiethatI’mgoingtogetadrinkrefill,andI’llberightback,butasIapproachthebar,I’mhitwithafreshwaveofsadnesswhenIspotAmelia’snewbodyguardstandingatattentionofftothesideofthereception.SuddenlyIdon’twanttostickaroundanylonger—andAmeliaandNoahhavebeensowrappedupineachotherthewholenighttheywon’tevennoticewhetherI’mherefortheirsend-offornot.SoIsetmyglassdownandthenheadfortheparkinglot,leavingthesoundofFrankSinatraandquietmurmursbehindme.
Italmostfeelswrongtogetintomyoldtruckdressedsoelegantly.Andyetsomehowit’sexactlyright.TherearealotofthingsthatI’verealizedhavechangedaboutme,butlovingthistownandthistruckaren’tamongthem.
ButwhenIputmyhandonthetruck’sdoorhandle,afamiliarplayfulandroguishvoicesoundsinmyear,andahandwithabutterflytattooreachesovermyshouldertopushmydoorclosedagain.“It’sme,andyou’resafe.I’mgoingtoblindfoldyounow.”Athinstripofblackclothblanketsmyeyes.
Igasp.“Will?!Whatareyoudoing?”
“Yes,it’sme,Will,”hesaysquietlyandthenclearshisthroatandspeaksmorefirmly—theatrically—anddefinitelywithmorebaritone.“Butalso—no,I’mnotWill.”
Myheartisjoyfullypounding.It’ssingingandrunningandskippingandIdon’tevenknowwhat’shappening.Ithoughthewasgone!
“MynameisCaptainBlackheart,”hesaysbeforehoistingmeupoverhisshoulder,makingmesqueal.“Andyou,mylady,arebeingkidnapped.”CHAPTERFORTYAnnie
I’mdefinitelysittinginastrangevehiclerightnow,nexttoWill—thatmuchIknow.Andit’satruck,judgingbythebenchseatandthedistinctsmellofoldgasoline,akathescentofmylife.Butthequestionis,whosetruckisthis?BecauseWilldriveshiscompany’sSUVusually.
Nothingmakessense.
Andthisblindfoldishot.
AndIthinkI’mgoingtohyperventilate.
“Okay,wait.Canwejustpause?”Iask,wantingsobadlytogoalongwithwhateverthisis,butbecauseit’sbeenareallylongemotionalweek,I’mfindingmynaturaltoleranceforrandomfunsettoolow.
Willmusthearthepanicinmyvoice.“Ofcourse.”
“SoIcantakeoffmyblindfold?”
“Yes,absolutely,”hesaysgently,whichfeelslikeabalmtomynerves.
WhenIpulldowntheblackfabric,myeyesblinkagainstthefuzzypictureofWillinablackT-shirtandjeans,hishandcasuallythrownoverthesteeringwheelofanoldtruckaswedrivedownadarkbackroad.
Firstthingsfirst.“Whosetruckisthis?”
“Mine.”
“Butyoudon’thaveatruck.”
Heclicksthesideofhismouthandwinks.“Ah,butIdo.Well,thisisactuallyanoldBronco.Gotitforasteal,becauseIcan’tbeinthistownandnotdriveatruck.Youshouldknowthisbetterthananyone.”
Ifeeldizzy.I’mgoingtothrowup.“What’sgoingon,Will?Ithoughtyouweregone.Ithoughtyou’dlefttownthismorning,nevertobeseenagain—andnow,hereyouare…drivingatruckasifmyworldhasn’tbeencrumblingthisentireday.”Myvoiceisclimbingtherungsofaladderintoalandofthehysterics.
Hebrieflylooksatmeandthenbackattheroad.“Yourworldwascrumbling?”
“Well…”Iraiseandlowermyshoulders.“Sortof.Internally.Yeah.”
MaybeIshouldn’thaveadmittedthat.MaybeI’mshowingmycardstoosoon.ButIdon’tevenknowwhatgamewe’replayingbecauseIthoughthewasgoneaboutfiveminutesago.Andnowhe’smansplayinginhisBroncoandhavingtheaudacitytolookcasual.
Heshakeshishead.“WhydidyouthinkI’dlefttown?OrthatI’deverleavewithoutsayinggoodbyetoyou,forthatmatter?”
Ilaughastuntedlaugh.“Um,let’ssee.Maybebecauseyouweren’ttherewhenIwokeupthismorning,andthenyounevertextedorcalledorleftanote,andthenMabelsaidyoucheckedoutofyourroomthismorningtoo.WhatelseamIsupposedtothink?”
Againheglancesatmewithfurrowedbrows.“ButIdidtextyou…thismorning.ItoldyouIwouldn’tbeabletomakeittothewedding,butI’dseeyoutonight.”
Mymouthfallsopen.“No.Youdidn’t.”
“Idid.”Hefisheshisphonefromhispocketandtossesitinmylap.“Look.”
Itapthescreenonhisphone,pausingbrieflytomarvelathisnewwallpaperphoto:mestandingintheflowershopthenightwekissedforthefirsttime.Myheartshakes,andsodomyhandsasIslideopenhisphoneandlookatourtextthread.Sureenough,there’samessagehesentmesayingthoseexactwords.Butabovethemisalittleredexclamationmark.
“Itneverwentthrough.”
“What?”Hecutshiseyestohisphonescreenandbacktotheroad,grimacing.“Damnservice.I’msorry,Annie.”AndthenlikeI’moutsideofmyself,Iwatchhishand—myfavoritehandintheworld,reachoverandlieacrossmythigh.“Iwouldnevereverleavewithouttellingyou.Never.”
Aheavyknotinmychestuncoils.Ibegintobreathenormally.“Good.”
Hesmilesoveratme.“Good.Now…canIfinishmykidnapping,please?”
Mydizzinessspillsintomystomachandturnsintobutterflies.Somethingishappeningrightnow.Mythoughtsruntoplaycatch-upnowthatallsenseofdreadisslidingaway.Willkidnappedmeforfun.Heboughtatruck.Hehasn’tlefttown.Hishandisonmythigh.
ItrybutfailtosmotheragrinasIraisetheblindfoldbackupovermyeyes
Afewshortminuteslater,Willisputtingthetruckinparkandcuttingtheengine.“I’llcomearoundandgetyou,”hesaysbeforegettingoutofthetruck.
Duringhisshortwalkaroundthecab,Itrytoimaginewhatintheworldallofthiscouldbeabout—butIcan’tcomeupwithanything.OrmaybeI’mjusttooscaredtodareto.Eitherway,whenWillopensmytruckdoorandslidesmyhipstotheedgeoftheseat,mythoughtsarelostasheleansinandlightlykissesmymouth.“Comewithme?”
Inod.“Anywhere.”
There’saheavysilence,andinit,Iliftmyhandtofeelhissmilingmouthagainstmyfingertips.Andthenhehoistsmeoverhisshoulder,againquotingimpossiblycheesylinesIrecognizefromafewofmyfavoritepirateromances.Allonesinwhichaheroinegetskidnappedbyaroguepirate.Ican’thelpbutsmilethinkingofhowmuchBrandonwouldscoffatthis.Howmuchmysisterswouldmakefunofme.ButWilldoesn’tjustsupportmyloveofhistoricalfiction—hereenactsthem.
Ihearhisfootstepsthudagainstwoodandthenadooropeningandclosingagain.Thefaintestamountofwarmlightfloodsthroughthefabricofmyblindfold.WillslidesmeoffhisshouldertothegroundandholdsmywaistwhenIswayslightlyfromallthebloodrushingfrommyhead.HeturnsmetowardhimandthenIfeelhisfingerstenderlybrushagainstmyfaceashelowerstheblindfold.
Again,Iblinktheworldintofocus.Mybreathcatches.
We’reinamostlyemptyhouse—exceptforallthethingsWillhasclearlyadded.Warmtwinklelightsallaroundtheroom.Candleslitinsidetheemptyfireplace.Andthemostwonderfulpart—alldifferentkindsofflowersstrewnacrossthefloor.Acarpetofpetals.Acloudoffoliage.Andsurroundingitall,acushy-lookingpalletinthemiddleoftheroom.
WilltakesmyhandandwhenIlookathim,wonderingwhatthisisallabout,apieceofsilverinhisearglints.Igasp.“You’rewearinganearring!”
Hechuckles.“Justfortonight.Andjustforyou.I’llbeyourpirate,Annie.”Hesmilesandit’ssodeviousandsexyitmakesmystomachswooplikeaswingingship.Hetakesmyhands.“Icouldn’tmakeittotheweddingtodaybecausethetrademarkofeverygoodromancenovelisagrandgesture.AndIwantedtogiveyouone.”Helookssortofshyandunsureashegesturestowardtheroom.
“Will…”Istart,buthecutsmeoff,steppingcloserandtakingmyfaceinhishands.
“Annabell,Ineedyoutoknow,I’vefallenmadlyinlovewithyou.”
Iholdstill.“Butyoudon’tbelieveinlove.”
Hebrushesthebackofhisfingersaffectionatelyovermyjawanddownmythroat.“ItwaseasiertosayIdon’tbelieveinlove,ratherthanadmittingtomyselfthatIwasafraidIwouldn’tbelovedback.”
Isplaymyhandoverhischest.“Heartbreaking,Will.It’simpossiblenottoloveyou.”
Hesmilesandpressesafingertomylips,silencingme.“AndthenIcalledmybrother,andaswetalked,IrealizedthatleavingthistownwithoutyouwasthescariestthoughtI’veeverhad.IneedyouinmylifelikeIneedair,Annie.YouhavewreckedmeinthebestwayIcouldeverimagine,andI’llneverbethesame.Neverwanttobethesame.”Hekissesmyforehead.“Iloveyou.AndIknowmarriageissomethingthat’sdeeplyimportanttoyou—andwhatyouwantisdeeplyimportanttome,so…marryme,Annie.Nooneelse.”
Ilaughastearsstreamdownmycheeks.Isthishappening?Itmustbeadream.
“No,”Isaywithahugesmilewhileshakingmyhead.“Iwon’tmarryyou.”
Hestaresatmeforasecond,wonderingifhe’dheardmewrongbecausemyexpressionandmywordsareinconflict.“You…won’t?”
Again,Ican’tkeepfromlaughingasjoyspillsoutofme.IstepuptoWillandlinkmyarmsaroundhismiddle,anglingmyfaceup.Thedarkrimaroundhisiriseshasneverlookedmoredangerous.Morecompelling.Morelovely.
“Iloveyou,too,Will.IloveyoumorethanIthoughtpossibletoloveanyone.Andthat’swhyIwon’tmarryyou.”
“Confusing.”
“Isn’tit?”Ismile.“First,IwantyoutoknowthatIheardyouthatnightyouexplainedwhyyou’rehesitanttogetmarried—andknowingallthatIdoaboutyounow,Iwouldneveraskyoutojumpintosomethingheadfirstandjusttrustme.Idon’tthinkthat’struelove.Infact,itwouldbecrappyofmetoaskyoutoputallthosefearsasideformyhappiness.Andsecond,”IriseuptokisshimoncesoftlyonthemouthjustbecauseIneedto.“I’mrelearningwhoIamandwhyIlovethethingsIdo.SoI’dlikesometimetodothatbeforeIdecidetogetmarried.”Ikisshimagain.“ButwhatIdowantistohavearelationshipwithyou—togodaybydayandearnyourtrustwhileyouearnmine,andwefigureoutwhoweareinthismessylifetogether.Ifyou’reupforit?”
Hegrins.“Ididalreadybuythetruck.”
“It’sagreattruck.”
“Areyousure,though?Because,Annie,ifmarriageisreallywhatyouwantdeepdown…”
“I’veneverbeensurerofanything.Besides,Will…”Ilaugh.“Ionlymetyouamonthago!EvenifIwantedtogetmarried,Iwouldn’twantaproposalthisfast!”
Heshrugsashoulder.“Well,youaresouthern.”
“Notthatsouthern.”AndthenIrealizesomethingasIgazearoundtheroomhe’ssothoughtfullysprinkledwithflowersandlightsandcozyblankets.“Wait.Whosehousearewein?”
“Mine.”
“Butyoudon’thaveahouse.”
“Idonow,”hesaysmatter-of-factly.
AndbackonthespinningteacupIgo.
“Ohmygosh.I’llpinchyou,WolfBoy!”
“CaptainBlackheart.”
Ipokehiminthechest.“Tellmewhat’sgoingon!Frombeginningtoend.”
Herelentswithaneasysmile.“Well,technicallythehouseismineinthirtydaysonceI’veofficiallyclosed,butit’sprettymuchminealreadybecauseMarysaidit’sfineifIgoaheadandmovein.It’sbeenonthemarketforforeverandneedsatonofwork.Don’tlooktoocloselyatanything.”
“Willmont.Youboughtahouse,”Isay,turningawayfromhimtoadmiretheplacewithnewunderstanding.
Helaughs.“Yes.Iboughtahouse,andIquitmyjob,andI’mnotgoingtoD.C.,becauseIcouldn’t.Ididn’twanttoanymore.Ifoundrootsinthisincrediblyfrustratingtown,andIdon’twanttoleave.Iloveithere.AndIloveyou.Anditsoundslikeagreatnewadventuretostayputsomewhere—atleastuntilwepickwheretotraveltogetherfirst.BecauseI’mabsolutelytakingyouallovertheworld.”
“You’renotabodyguardanymore?”
“Executiveprotectionagent.”
“Will!”
Hesmilesonehugesmile,withthoseperfectbracketsaroundhismouth.“No,I’mnotanEPAanymore.ButIamofficiallyregisteredforthefallsemesteratRome’sfinestcommunitycollege,”hesayslikeit’snobigdeal.Likethisisn’tlifechanging.“Ihaven’tbeenabletogetwhatyousaidoutofmyheadthatnightwhenwetalkedonyourcouch.AndIrealizedgoingbacktoschoolandearningmydegreedidsoundprettygreat—withtheplansof…becomingateacherwhenIgraduate.”
Okay,butit’sadorablehowembarrassedhelooksallofasudden.Iftherewasalittlerockinfrontofhim,he’dkickit.
ItouchmyhandsoftlytohisfacewiththewateriestsmileI’veeverhad.“Itmakessense.You’reagoodteacher.”
Helaughs.“ButIthinkI’llsticktoteachingmathorsciencefromnowon.”
“Probablysmart.”
“Annie?”
“Yes?”
“Iloveyou.”
IbreatheinthesmellofflowersandWillGriffin.Mytwofavoritescentsintheentireworld.“Iloveyou,too,Will.”
“Soifyouwon’tmarryme—willyoubemygirlfriend?”hesays,droppingakisstothecrookofmyneck.“Beforeyouanswer,youshouldknowthatJohnisinterestedinyou.AtHank’sthenightwekissedheaskedifwewereserious,andItoldhimnoandI’veregrettediteverysingledaysince.”
Fireworksexplodefrommyhead.Heartsfloodmyeyes.Myskinsparksfromheadtotoe.“Johnwho?”
“Goodanswer.”Willswoopsmeupinhisarmsandcarriesmetothepallet,wherehesetsmedownandliesbesideme.Hetrailshisfingerlanguidlyovermycollarbonesinnorush—because…we’vegottime.Forever.
“DidIevertellyouwhyInevertalkedtoyoubeforethatdayinthealley?”
“No,”Isay,feelinglikeI’minadreamasIgazeupatWillbathedinthewarmlightsandsmilingdownatmelikethesecrettohishappinesslivesinsidemybones.
“BecauseIknewonceIdid—itwouldbeoverforme.SomepartofmehasalwaysknownIwouldloveyou.”
“Stop,”Isay,draggingoutthewordlikeI’minpainandclutchingmyheart.“Ican’thandleanymoreemotionaldeclarations,orIwilldieofbliss.”
Hesmiles,dipshisheadtoreplacehisfingerwithhislips,andmurmursagainstmyskin.“Thereareworsewaystogo.ButI’dpreferyoustickaround.AndIhaveseveralideasofhowwecanfillourtime.”
Will’shandreachesunderthepillowatmyheadandpullssomethingout.IlaughwhenIlookdown.Hesetsthebookhestolefrommyroomthismorningontomystomachandgrinsdeviouslyatme.“Ihighlightedtheportionsyoumightbeinterestedinreenacting.Theywill,ofcourse,requireyoutakingoffyourprettydress.Here,letmehelp.”
Ilaughuntilhismouthcoversmine.
Andnokisshasevertastedthissweet.EPILOGUETheRomeGazette
Lastnight,RomecitizensweretreatedtoquitetheadventureasSheriffTonywasdispatchedinthedeadofnighttoinvestigateabreak-inatWillGriffinandAnnieWalker’sresidence.ThetwohavereportedlybeenabsentfromRome,Kentucky,fortwoweekswhileinParisonvacation,andwerenotexpectedhomeuntilthefollowingday.
Aroundtwoa.m.,BudAppleton(neighbor)noticedtwopersons,onemaleandonefemale,attemptingtobreakintotheGriffin-Walkerhousethroughasidewindow.SheriffTony,uponarrivingatthescene,chargedthesix-foot-onetattooedmaleandwrestledhimtotheground.HavingbeenalertedtothearrivalofSheriffTonybecauseoftheobnoxiouslyloudsirensandbrightlightsfromhispolicevehicle,onlookersflockedtothesceneinordertogetabetterlook.
BudAppletoncommented,“WasunlikeanythingI’veeverseenbefore!Suchcommotion.Sheriffchargedthemanandtookhimdownswiftenough,butpooroleTonywasimmediatelyflippedonhisstomachandhishandswererestrainedbehindhisback.”
WitnessesreportthedangerousburglarthenreleasedSheriffTonyinaremarkabledisplayofcompassionwhenTonyyelled,“Okay,okay,Igiveup!Letgo.”
Wheninterviewedlater,themaleburglarcommented,“It’smyowndamnhouse,Terry.Whydoyoukeepreferringtomeasaburglar?YouknowmeandAnnie;andwe’vehadalongdayoftravel,andwelostourhousekeyandjustwanttogoinsideandgotobed.Pleaseleave.”
Inanexcitingturnofevents,itseemedthelate-nightbanditswerenoneotherthantheresidentsofthehome:WillGriffinandAnnieWalker,whohavehappilyownedthehometogetherforthepastyear.
AlthoughMr.Griffinwaslessobligedtotalk,Ms.Walker,inherusualkindmanner,remainedoutsidetoanswerseveralofthisreporter’squestions.“OurtriptoParis?Oh,Terry,itwasincredible!IbroughtyoubackalittleEiffelTowerlikeyourequested.ItwassoromanticandeverythingIhopeditwouldbe,butI’meagertogetbacktotheflowershopandfinishourrenovationsonthehouse.Weonlyhavetheporchleft.”
Unfortunately,ourinterviewwasabruptlycutshortasMr.Griffinstormedbackoutside,seizedMs.Walker,andcarriedheroverhisshoulderinsidethehome,shuttingthedoorandallonlookersout,thusendinganothereventfuldayinRome,Kentucky.Thisoneisforthesofties.
Thetenderheartedsweeties.
Theintrovertswhoareafraidtoshine.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Well,friends,wedidit.Anotherbookofmineisoutintheworld(andcurrentlyinyourhands),andIcouldn’tbemoregrateful.Thisneverstopsfeelinglikeamiracle.
Atthestartofwritingthisbook,IrememberthinkingthisonewasgoingtobesomucheasiertowritethanWheninRome!HA!CuethisbeingthemostdifficultbookI’veeverwritten.BythetimeIwasfinished,Ihadseven(yes,seven)nearlyfinisheddraftsofthisstorybecauseAnnieandWillkeptdemandingmetogettheirstoryright.Thefinaldraft,theoneinyourhands,iswhenitallcametogether,andIfellinlovewiththestoryandthiscouple.
Sonow,Iwillpledgemyundyinglovetothepeoplewhohelpedmemakeitpossible.
Asalways,firstandforemost,Iwanttothankmyveryownsafeperson:Chris.Myhusband,mylove,myabsolutegoofball,Iloveyou.Thankyouforencouragingmeeverydaytotakerisksandtofollowmyheart.Youaremyheart,socatchmefollowingyouaroundfortherestofmylife.
Tomywonderfulliteraryagent,KimLionetti,thankyousomuchforadvocatingformeandmybooksinsomanyways.IalsolovethatwecansitinaconferencecalltogetherforfifteenminuteswhennooneelseshowsupandchataboutTheOfficevs.Friends.Honestly,yourfriendshipmeanstheworldtome,andyourskillsinthisbusinessareunmatched.