Rebecca Yarros – In the Likely Event

PRAISEFORREBECCAYARROS
“Agiftedstoryteller.”
—KirkusReviews
“RebeccaYarroswriteswordsthatarepure,sweet,sizzlingpoetry.”
—TessaBailey,NewYorkTimesandUSATodaybestsellingauthor
“Readerswillbewowed.”
—PublishersWeekly(starredreview),onTheThingsWeLeaveUnfinished
“Ahaunting,heartbreaking,andultimatelyinspirationallovestory.”
—InTouchWeekly,onTheLastLetter
“ThankstoYarros’sbeautiful,immersivewriting,readerswillfeeleverydeepheartbreakandeachmomentofupliftinglove.”
—PublishersWeekly(starredreview),onTheLastLetter
“Rebeccaneverdisappoints—she’sanautomaticone-clickforme!”
—JenMcLaughlin,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorOTHERTITLESBYREBECCAYARROS
Stand-AloneTitles
FourthWing
TheThingsWeLeaveUnfinished
TheLastLetter
GreatandPreciousThings
MusesandMelodies(partoftheHushNoteseries,writtenwithSarinaBowenandDevneyPerry)
ALittleTooClose(partoftheMadiganMountainseries,writtenwithSarinaBowenandDevneyPerry)
Flight&Glory
FullMeasures
EyesTurnedSkyward
BeyondWhatIsGiven
HallowedGround
TheRealityofEverything
Legacy
PointofOrigin
Ignite
ReasontoBelieve
TheRenegades
Wilder
Nova
RebelThisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,organizations,places,events,andincidentsareeitherproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Otherwise,anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.
Textcopyright?2023byRebeccaYarros
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,orstoredinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,withoutexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisher.
PublishedbyMontlake,Seattle
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ISBN-13:9781662511554(paperback)
ISBN-13:9781662511561(digital)
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Coverimage:?AngelaLumsden/StocksyUnited;?DacianGroza/StocksyUnitedTomysister,Kate.
I’dgotowarforyou.
Loveyou,meanit.CONTENTS
CHAPTERONENATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWOIZZY
CHAPTERTHREENATHANIEL
CHAPTERFOURIZZY
CHAPTERFIVEIZZY
CHAPTERSIXNATHANIEL
CHAPTERSEVENNATHANIEL
CHAPTEREIGHTIZZY
CHAPTERNINEIZZY
CHAPTERTENNATHANIEL
CHAPTERELEVENNATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWELVEIZZY
CHAPTERTHIRTEENIZZY
CHAPTERFOURTEENIZZY
CHAPTERFIFTEENIZZY
CHAPTERSIXTEENNATHANIEL
CHAPTERSEVENTEENNATHANIEL
CHAPTEREIGHTEENIZZY
CHAPTERNINETEENIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTYNATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWENTY-ONEIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWOIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREENATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWENTY-FOURIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVEIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIXNATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVENNATHANIEL
CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHTIZZY
CHAPTERTWENTY-NINEIZZY
CHAPTERTHIRTYNATHANIEL
CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONEIZZY
CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWONATHANIEL
CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREEIZZY
EPILOGUENATHANIEL
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUTTHEAUTHORCHAPTERONE
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
ThiswasnottheMaldives.
Iclosedmyeyesandtippedmyheadbacktowardtheblisteringafternoonsun.Withthebreeze,Icouldalmostpretendthemoistureracingdownmyneck,soakingintomycollar,waswaterfromarecentswiminsteadofmyownsweat.Almost.
Instead,IstoodonthetarmacinKabul,wonderinghowthehellmybootsweren’tmeltingintotheconcreteatthistemperature.Maybemissingmytripwaskarmapayingmebackforgoingwithouther.
“You’resupposedtobeonleave,”afamiliarvoicesaidfrommyright.
“Shhh.Iam.See?”IopenedoneeyejustenoughtoglimpseTorresstandingbesideme,histhickbrowshadedbyhismulticamcap.
“Seewhat?Youstandingontheflightlinewithyourheadthrownbacklikeyou’reinaCoppertonecommercial?”
Thecornersofmymouthquirkedupward.“It’snottheflightline.It’salittlebungalowoverthewaterintheMaldives.Can’tyouhearthewaves?”
Therhythmicbeatofdistantrotorsfilledtheair.
“Ihearyoulosingyourmind,”hemuttered.“Lookslikethey’rehere.”
Reluctantly,Iopenedmyeyesandsearchedthehorizonforanaircraftonfinalapproach,spottingtheplanewithinseconds.
Herewegoagain.AsmuchasIusedtolovetheactionthatcamewithmyjob,Ihadtoadmitthatitwasgettingold.Peacesoundedsomuchbetterthanconstantwar.
“Howthehelldidyouletyourselfgetropedintothis,anyway?IthoughtJenkinswasonthisassignment,”Torresasked.
“Jenkinswentdownwithsomekindofviruslastnight,andIdidn’twanttoaskWardtoskiphisleave.Hehaskids.”IshiftedtheshoulderstrapofmyrifleastheC-130toucheddownontherunway.“NowI’monbabysittingdutyforSenatorLauren’saide.”
“Well,I’mwithyou,likealways.”
“Iappreciatethat.”
Mybestfriendhadn’tleftmysidesinceSpecialForcesselection.Hell,evenbeforethat.
“Hopefullybynextweek,JenkinswillbeonthemendandI’llbeonmywaytotheMaldivesbeforetheactualsenatorsgethere.”Icouldalmosttastethosefruityumbrelladrinksrightnow—ohwait,thatwasthemetallictangofjetfuel.Right.
“Youknow,mostguysIknowusetheirleavetimetogohomeandseetheirfamilies.”Torreslookedbackattherestoftheteamastheystrodeourway,straighteningtheirpatchlessACUs,likeitwaspossibletounfucktheiruniformsafterfourmonthsincountry.
“Well,mostguysdon’thavemyfamily.”Ishrugged.Momhadbeengoneforfiveyears,andtheonlyreasonI’dwillinglyseemyfatherwouldbetoburyhim.
Therestoftheteamreachedus,fallingintoalineaswefacedtheaircraft.Grahamtookthespotonmyotherside.“Wantmedriving?”
“Yep,”Ianswered.I’dalreadyselectedtheguysIwantedwithmeuntilJenkinsgotback.ParkerandElstonwerewaitingattheembassy.
“Iseveryonehere?”MajorWebbaskedashereachedus,scratchinghischin.
“Holyshit!Ican’trememberthelasttimeIsawyouractualface.”Grahamgrinnedatourcommander,hisbrightsmilecontrastingwithhisdeep-brownskin.
Webbmutteredsomethingaboutpoliticiansastheplanetaxiedtothedirectionsoftheairtrafficcontrollers.
TherewerecertainperkstobeingtheeliteofSpecialForces.Theinformalcamaraderieandnothavingtoshaveweredefinitelytwoofthem.Gettingscrewedoutofleavetoplaysecuritydetailtotheadvancepartyofsomelegislatorswasn’t.I’dspentanhourthismorningfamiliarizingmyselfwithGregNewcastle’sfile.Myassignmentwasthethirty-three-year-olddeputychiefofstafftoSenatorLauren,andhehadthepolishedlookofaguywho’dgonestraightfromHarvardLawtotheHill.Thegroupofthemwerecomingonwhattheycalleda“fact-finding”missionsotheycouldreportbackonhowtheUSwithdrawalwasgoing.Isomehowdoubtedtheyweregoingtobehappywithwhattheyfound.
“Justtorefresh…,”Webbsaid,takingafoldedpieceofpaperfromhispocketandglancingatthedesignatedsecurityteamleads.“Maroon,yourteamhasBakeroutofCongressmanGarcia’soffice,”hebegan,usingourdesignatedfor-public-usenamesforthismission.“Gold,you’reonTurnerfromCongressmanMurphy.White,you’reonHoltoutofSenatorLiu’soffice.Green,you’reresponsibleforAstoroutofSenatorLauren’soffice—”
“IwasgivenGregNewcastle’sfile,”Iinterrupted.
Webbglanceddownatthepaper.“Looksliketheymadeachangelastminute.YouhaveAstornow.Missionisstillthesame.That’stheofficefocusingonthesouthernprovinces.Theoneworkingonbringingthegirls’chessteamtotheStates.”
Astor.Mystomachjumpedintomythroat.Therewasnoway.None.
“Relax,”Torreswhispered.“It’sacommonlastname.”
Right.Besides,thelasttimeI’dheardfromher,shewasworkingatsomefirminNewYork,butthatwasthreeyearsago.
Therainhadsoakedthroughmycoat—
Iclampeddownonmyrecklessthoughtsastheplaneparkedinfrontofus,guidedbythegroundcrew.Heatradiatedoffthetarmacinshimmeringwaves,distortingmyvisionasthereardoorloweredandthepilotspowereddowntheengines.
UniformedairmendescendedfromtheC-130first,leadingagroupofciviliansIassumedwerethecongressionalaidesand,inonecase,helpingoneofthesuitsofftheramp.
Mybrowslifted.Theguycan’tgetofftherampbyhimselfandthoughtitwouldbeagoodideatocometourAfghanistan?
“Areyouserious?”Kellman—orSergeantWhiteforthismission—scoffed.“Pleasetellmethat’snotmyguy.”
“Herewego,”Torresmutteredatmyside.
IblewoutalongbreathasIcountedtoten,hopingpatiencewouldmiraculouslyappearbythetimeIreachedzero.Itdidn’t.Thiswasawasteofourtime
Theairmenwereallsmilesastheywalkedtowardus,obscuringtheirfollowersfromview.Ofcoursetheywerehappy.Theywereheretodropoffthesuits.Ihighlydoubtedthey’dstillbeallgrinsiftheyweretheoneswhohadtoescortclueless,self-importantcivilianstoabunchofFOBsliketheyweretouristdestinationsandnotactivecombatzones.
MajorWebbmovedforward,andtheairmenguidedthepoliticianstothefrontoftheirlittleherd.Thereweresixinall—
Myheart.Fucking.Stopped.
Islow-blinkedonce,thentwiceastheheatshimmerdissipatedwithagustofwind.Therewasnomistakingthathoney-goldhairorthatmillion-dollarsmile.Iwouldhavebetmylifethereweredeep-browneyesframedbythicklashesbehindthoseoversizesunglasses.Myhandsflexed,liketheycouldstillfeelthecurvesofherbodyalltheseyearslater.
Itwasher
“Youokay?”Torresaskedunderhisbreath.“Youlooklikeyou’reabouttopukeupyourbreakfast.”
No,Iwasn’tokay.IwasaboutasfarawayfromokayasNewYorkwasfromAfghanistan.Icouldn’tevenformwords.Tenyearshadpassedsincewe’dmetonaverydifferenttarmac,andthesightofherstillleftmespeechless.
SheofferedherrighthandtoWebbtoshakeandshiftedthestrapofafamiliararmy-greencargobackpackhigheronhershoulderwithherleft.Shestillhadthatthing?Sunlightcaughtthosefingersandreflectedbackbrighterthanasignalmirror.
What.The.Hell.Myheartstutteredbacktolife,poundingindenialsohardthethinghurt
TheonlywomanI’deverlovedwashere—inadamnedwarzone—andshewaswearinganotherman’sring.Shewasgoingtobeanotherman’swife.Ididn’tevenknowthebastardandIalreadyhatedhim,alreadyknewhewasn’tgoodenoughforher.NotthatIwaseither.Thathadalwaysbeentheproblembetweenus.
Sheturnedtowardme,hersmilefalteringashermouthslackened.Herfingerstrembledassheshovedhersunglassesuptothetopofherhead,revealingasetofwidebrowneyesthatlookedasstunnedasIfelt.
Avisetightenedaroundmychest.
Inmyperipherals,Webbworkedhiswaydowntheline,introducingthepoliticianstotheirsecuritydetails,andcomingourwaylikeanuclearcountdownaswestaredateachother.Adozenfeet,maybeless,separatedus,andthedistancewassomehowsimultaneouslytoofarandwaytooclose.
Shewalkedforwardandflinched,thencapturedherhairinafistasthewindgusted,blastingeverysurfacewithsandanddirt,includingthewhiteblouseshe’drolledupherforearms.Whatthehellwasshedoinghere?Shedidn’tbelonghere.Shebelongedinacushycornerofficewherenothingcouldtouchher…especiallyme.
“Ms.Astor,meet—”Webbstarted.
“NathanielPhelan,”shefinished,scanningmyfacelikeshemightneverseeitagain,likeshewascatalogingeverychange,everyscarI’dacquiredinthelastthreeyears.
“Izzy.”ItwasallIcouldmanagewiththatbillion-caratrockflashingatmefromherhandlikeawarningbeacon.Whothehellhadshesaidyesto?
“Youtwoknoweachother?”Webb’seyebrowsroseasheglancedbetweenus.
“Yes,”Isaid.
“Notanymore,”sheansweredsimultaneously.
Shit.
“Okay?”Webbshuffledhisgazeagain,notingtheawkwardmomentforwhatitwas.“Isthisgoingtobeaproblem?”
Yes.Agiantproblem.Amillionunspokenwordsblastedtheairbetweenus,asthickandrelentlessasthesandcomingacrosstheflightline.
“Look,Icanreassign—”Webbstarted
“No,”Isnapped.TherewaszerochanceinhellIwasriskinghersafetywithanyoneelse.Shewasstuckwithme,whetherornotshelikedit.
Webbblinked,theonlysignofsurprisehe’devergive,andglancedatIzzy.“Ms.Astor?”
“Itwillbefine.Pleasedon’ttroubleyourself,”sherespondedwithaneasy,polished,fake-asssmilethatsentchillsdownmyspine.
“Okaythen,”Webbsaidslowly,thenpivotedtowardmeandmouthedgoodluckbeforemovingon.
IzzyandIstaredateachotheraseveryemotionI’dfoughttoburyoverthelastthreeyearsclaweditswaytothesurface,rippingopenscabsthathadneverquitehealedtoscars.Gofigurewe’dmeetagainlikethis.We’dalwayshadahabitofcollidingattheworsttimesandinthemostinconvenientplaces.Itwasalmostfittingthatitwasabattlefieldthisgo-round.
“IthoughtyouwereinNewYork,”Ifinallymanagedtosay,myvoicecomingoutlikeithadbeenscrapedoverthepavementadozentimes.Wherenooneisactivelytryingtoblowyouup.
“Yeah?”Shearchedabrowandheftedtheslippingpackuptohershoulder.“Funny,becauseIthoughtyouweredead.Guesswewerebothwrong.”CHAPTERTWO
IZZY
SaintLouis
November2011
“FifteenA.FifteenA,”Imuttered,scanningtheseatnumbersasImuddledmywaydownthecrowdedaisleofthecommuterplane,mycarry-onslippingthroughmyclammyhandswitheverystep.Spottingmyrow,Isighedinreliefthattheoverheadcompartmentwasstillempty,thencursedasIrealizedAwasawindowseat.
Mystomachtwistedintoaknot.HadIreallybookedmyselfbythewindow?WhereIcouldseeeverypotentialdisastercomingourway?
Holdup.Therewasalreadyaguysittinginthewindowseat,hisheaddown,onlytheSaintLouisBluesemblemvisibleonhishat.MaybeI’dreadmyticketwrong.
Imadeittomyrow,stoodonmytiptoes,andshovedmycarry-onupasfarasmyarmswouldextend,aimingfortheoverheadbin.Itmadecontactwiththeedge,buttheonlyprayerIhadofgettingitallthewayinwastoclimbontheseat…orgrowanothersixinches.
Myhandsslipped,andthebright-purplesuitcaseplummetedtowardmyface.BeforeIhadtimetogasp,amassivehandcaughtmyunrulyluggage,stoppingitafewinchesfrommynose.
Holycrap.
“Thatwasclose,”adeepvoicenotedfrombehindmycarry-on.“HowaboutIhelpyouwiththat?”
“Yes,please,”Ianswered,scramblingtoadjustmyhold.
IsawtheBlueshatfirstastheguysomehowmanagedtotwisthisbody,risefullytohisfeet,stepintotheaisle,andbalancemysuitcaseallinonesmoothmotion.Impressive.
“Herewego.”Heslidthecarry-onintotheoverheadwithease.
“Thanks.Iwasprettysureitwasgoingtotakemeoutthereforasecond.”Ismiled,turningmyheadslightlytolookup—andup—athim.
Whuh.Hewas…hot.Like,pull-the-fire-alarm,jaw-droppinglevelsofhotness.Afinelayerofdarkscruffcoveredasquarejawline.Eventhecutandthepurplishbruisethatsplittherighthalfofhislowerlipdidn’tdetractfromhisface,becausehiseyes…wow.Just…wow.Thosecrystallinebabybluesstoleeverywordoutofmyhead.
AndnowIwasstaring,andnotthecute,flirtyglancesSerenawouldhavegivenhimwhileshamelesslyaskingforhisnumberandinevitablygettingit.No,thiswasopen-mouthedawkwardstaringthatIcouldn’tseemtostop.
Closeyourmouth.
Nope,stillstaring.Staring.Staring.
“Metoo,”hesaid,acornerofhismouthliftingslightly.
Iblinked.“Metoo,”what?“I’msorry?”
Hisbrowknitinconfusion.“Metoo,”herepeated.“Ithoughtthatthingwasgoingtosmashyouintheface.”
“Right.”Ituckedmyhairbehindmyears,onlytorememberthatI’dpulleditupintoamessybunandthereforehadnohairtotuck,whichjustcontinuedmyawkwardstreak.Awesome.Andnowmyfacewasonfire,whichmeantI’dprobablyturnedtenshadesofred.
Heslidbackintohisseat,andIrealizedourexchangehadblockedtherestoftheflightfromboarding.
“Sorry,”Imutteredtothenextpassenger,andduckedintofifteenB.“Funnything,IcouldhaveswornmyticketsaidIwasinthewindow.”Iliftedthestrapofmypurseovermyhead,thenunzippedmyjacketandwiggledtheleastamountpossibletogetoutofthething.Atthisrate,I’dprobablyjabBlueEyeswithmyelbowandmakeanevenbiggerassofmyself.
“Ohshit.”Hisheadswungtowardmine,andhewinced.“ItradedseatswithawomanupinsevenAsoshecouldsitnexttoherkid.IbetItookyoursbyaccident.”Hereacheddownforanarmy-greenbackpackundertheseatinfrontofhim,hisshoulderssowidethattheybrushedmyleftkneeasheleanedforward.“Let’sswitch.”
“No!”Iblurted.
Hestilled,thenturnedhisheadslowlytolookupatme.“No?”
“Imean,Ihatethewindow.I’mactuallyreallyfreakedoutbyflying,soitworksbetterthisway.”Crap,Iwasbabbling.“Unlessyouwanttheaisle?”Iheldmybreathwithhopethathewouldn’t.
Hesatbackupandshookhishead.“No,I’mgoodhere.Freakedoutbyflying,huh?”Therewasnomockeryinhistone.
“Yep.”Reliefsaggedmyshoulders,andIfoldedupmyjacket,thensquisheditundertheseatinfrontofmewithmypurse.
“Why?”heasked.“Ifyoudon’tmindmeasking?”
Mycheeksturneduptheheatanotch.“I’vealwaysbeenafraidofflying.There’ssomethingaboutitthatjust…”Ishookmyhead.“Imeanstatistically,we’refine.Theincidentratelastyearwasonein1.3million,whichwasupfromtheyearbefore,whenitwasonein1.5million.But,whenyouthinkabouthowmanyflightsthereare,Iguessthat’snotasbadasdriving,sinceyouroddsofcrashingareonein103,butstill,828peoplediedlastyear,andIdon’twanttobeoneofthe828.”You’rebabblingagain.Ipressedmylipsbetweenmyteethandprayedmybrainwouldcutitout.
“Huh.”Twolinesappearedbetweenhiseyebrows.“Neverthoughtofitthatway.”
“Ibetflyingdoesn’tscareyou,doesit?”Thisguylookedlikenothingintheworldscaredhim.
“Iwouldn’tknow.I’veneverflownbefore,butnowthatyouwentoverthestats,I’mquestioningmychoices.”
“OhGod.I’msosorry.”Myhandsflewtocovermymouth.“IbabblewhenIgetnervous.AndIhaveADHD.AndIdidn’ttakemymedicationthismorningbecauseIputitoutonthecounternexttomyorangejuice,butthenSerenadrankthejuice,andIgotsidetrackedpouringmore,andthatpillisprobablystillsittingthere—”Icringed,slammingmyeyesshut.Adeepbreathlater,Iopenedthemandfoundhimwatchingmewithraisedeyebrows.“Sorry.AddinthefactthatIoverthinkjustabouteverything,andhereweare.Babbling.”
Asmallsmilecreptacrosshisface.“Don’tworryaboutit.Sowhygetonaplaneatall?”Headjustedtheairflowabovehishead,thenshovedtheblacksleevesofhishenleyuphistanforearms.Theguywasbuilt.Ifhisforearmslookedlikethat,Icouldn’thelpbutwonderiftherestofhisbodyfollowedsuit.
“Thanksgiving.”Ishrugged.“Myparentswentononeofthosearound-the-worldcruisesafterdroppingmeoffforfreshmanyear,andmyoldersister,Serena,isajuniorhereatWashU—she’sstudyingjournalism.SinceI’mallthewayupatSyracuse,flyingmadethemostsensesincewewantedtospendtheholidaytogether.You?”
“I’mheadedtobasictrainingatFortBenning.I’mNathanielPhelan,bytheway.MyfriendscallmeNate.”Thestreamofpassengersdowntheaislehadtrickledtojustthehurriedlatecomers.
“Hi,Nate.I’mIzzy.”Ireachedoutmyhandandhetookit.“IzzyAstor.”NotsurehowImanagedtosaymyfullnamewheneveryounceofmyconcentrationwasonthefeelofhiscallousedhandengulfingmine,andtheflutterthateruptedinmystomachatthewarmthofhistouch.
Iwasn’toneofthosepeoplewhobelievedinjoltsofelectricityatfirsttouchlikealltheromancenovels,buthereIwas,joltedtomycore.Hiseyesflaredslightly,likehe’dfeltittoo.Itwasn’tashockasmuchasanalmostindescribable,sizzlingfeelingofawareness…connection,likethesatisfyingclickofthefinalpuzzlepiece.
Serenawouldhavecalleditfate,butshewasahopelessromantic.
Icalleditattraction.
“Nicetomeetyou,Izzy.”Heshookmyhandslowly,thenletgoevenslower,hisfingerswakingupeverynerveendinginmypalmastheyfellaway.“I’mguessingthat’sshortforIsabelle?”
“Actually,it’sIsabeau.”Ibusiedmyselffasteningmybuckleandtighteningmybeltacrossmyhips.
“Isabeau,”herepeated,bucklinghisown.
“Yep.MymomhadathingforLadyhawke.”Theaislewasfinallyempty.Guesswehadeveryoneaboard.
“What’sLadyhawke?”Natequestioned,hisbrowfurrowingslightly.
“It’sthiseightiesmoviewhereacouplepissesoffanevilmedievalbishopbecausetheyloveeachothersomuch.Thebishopwantsthegirl,butshe’sinlovewithNavarre,sothebishopcursesthem.Navarrebecomesawolfduringthenight,andsheturnsintoahawkduringtheday,sotheyonlycatchaglimpseoftheotherwhenthesunrisesandsets.Isabeauisthegirl—thehawk.”Stopbabbling!God,whywasIlikethis?
“Thatsounds…tragic.”
“Ladiesandgentlemen,welcometoTranscontinentalAirlinesFlight826,”theflightattendantsaidoverthePAsystem.
“Notcompletelytragic.Theybreakthecurse,soithasahappyending.”Ileanedforwardandmanagedtogetmycellphoneoutofmypursewithouttakingtheentirebagout.
TwomissedtextmessagesfromSerenalitupmyscreen.
Serena:Txtmewhenuboard
Serena:notkidding!
Themessageswerefifteenminutesapart
“Ifyouhaven’talreadydoneso,pleasestowyourcarry-onluggageinanoverheadbinortheseatinfrontofyou.Pleasetakeyourseatandfastenyourseatbelt,”theflightattendantcontinued,hervoicechipperbutprofessional.
Itappedoutatexttomysister.
Isabeau:boarded
Serena:uhadmeworried
Smiling,Ishookmyhead.IwastheonlythingSerenaworriedabout.
Isabeau:worried?LikeI’dgetlostbetweensecurityandmygate?
Serena:ineverknowwithu
Iwasn’tthatbad.
Isabeau:Iloveyou.Thankyouforthisweek.
Serena:Loveumore.Txtwhenuland
Theannouncementcontinued.“Ifyou’reseatednexttoanemergencyexit,pleasereadthespecialinstructionscardlocatedintheseatbackinfrontofyou.Ifyoudonotwishtoperformthefunctionsdescribedintheeventofanemergency,pleaseaskaflightattendanttoreseatyou.”
Iglancedup.“That’sus,”IsaidtoNate.“We’reinanexitrow.”
Helookedatthemarkingsonthedoor,thenreachedforwardforthesafetycardwhiletheattendantinformedthecabinthatitwasanonsmokingflight.Hadtoadmit,thatonlymadehimcuter.
Natereadwhiletheattendantfinishedoutherannouncementsandclosedthedoor.Myheartratespiked,theanxietyhittingmerightontime.IfumbledwithmyphoneandcheckedmyInstagramandTwitter,thenputmydeviceonairplanemode,slippeditintothefrontpocketofmyvest,andzippedthepocket.Whenmythroatwenttight,Iadjustedtheairaboveme,puttingitonmax.
Nateputthesafetycardbackintotheseatinfrontofhimandsettledin,watchingwhatactivitytherewastoseeontheground.Thefogwasdensethismorning,alreadydelayingustwentyminutes.
“Don’tforgetyourphone,”Isaidjustbeforetheattendantsaidthesameovertheintercom.“Ithastobeonairplanemode.”
“Don’thaveaphone,soI’mgoodthere.”Heflashedmeasmile,thenwinced,runninghistongueoverthesplitinhislip.
“Whathappenedthere?”Imotionedtomyownlip.“Ifyoudon’tmindmeaskingthistime.”
Hissmilefell.“Ihadaslightdisagreementwithsomeone.It’salongstory.”Hereachedfortheseatinfrontofhimandtookoutapaperbackfromthepocket—IntoThinAir,byJonKrakauer.
Hewasareader?Thisguyjustkeptgettinghotter.
Itookthehintandretrievedmyownbookoutofmypurse,flippingtothebookmarkinthemiddleofchapterelevenofJenniferL.Armentrout’sHalf-Blood
“Flightattendants,pleaseprepareforgatedeparture,”adeepervoicesaidoverthePA.
“Isthatanygood?”Nateaskedastheplanebackedoutofthegate.
“Iloveit.Thoughitlookslikeyoumightbemoreofanonfictionkindofguy.”Inoddedtowardhisreadingchoice.“How’sthatone?”Helookedtobeabouthalfwaythrough.
Theplaneturnedtotherightandrolledforward,andItookabreathinthroughmynoseandpusheditoutthroughmymouth.
“It’sgood.Reallygood.Ifounditonthislistofahundredbooksyou’resupposedtoreadbythetimeyou’rethirtyorsomething.I’mjustworkingmywaydownthelist.”Heglancedoveratme,andhisbrowpuckered.“Youdoingokay?”
“Yep,”Iansweredasmystomachcartwheeled.“Didyouknowthatthemostdangeroustimesinflyingarethefirstthreeminutesaftertakeoffandthelasteightminutesbeforelanding?”
“Ididn’t.”
Iswallowed.Hard.“Iusedtotakesedatives.Prescribedbymydoctor,ofcourse.I’mnotintotheillegalstuff.Notthatit’sbadifyouare.”Icringedatmyownwords.Whythehellwasmybrainmyownworstenemy?
“Notmything.Whydon’tyoutakethesedativesanymore?”Heshuthisbook.
“Theyknockmeout,andIalmostmissedmyconnectioninPhillyonce.Theflightattendanthadtoshakemeawake,andthenitwasafull-outruntomygate.Thedoorwasalreadyshutandeverything,buttheyletmeon.So,nomoresedatives.”
Theplaneturnedintoalineofotherplanes,readyingtotaxi.Stoplookingoutthewindow.Youknowthatmakesitworse.
“Makessense.”Heclearedhisthroat.“SowhatareyoustudyingupatSyracuse?”Hisobviousattempttodistractmemadethecornersofmymouthcurveupward.
“Publicrelations.”Ifoughtbackalaugh.“I’musuallyprettygoodwithpeople,untilyoustickmeonaplane.”
“Ithinkyou’redoingjustfine.”Hegrinned,andGodhelpme,adimplepoppedinhisrightcheek.
“Whataboutyou?Whygointothearmy?Whynotgotocollege?”Ishutmyownbook,leavingitinmylap.
“Wasn’texactlyanoption.Mygradesweregood,butnotgoodenoughtogetascholarship,andthereisn’tenoughmoneyforcable,letalonecollege.Honestly,myparentsneededmyhelp.TheyownasmallfarmjustsouthofShipman,Illinois.”Helookedaway.“It’smymom’sfarm,really.Mygrandfatherleftittoher.Anyway,thearmywillpayforcollege,sooffIgo.”
Inodded,butIwasn’tfoolishenoughtothinkIunderstood.ItwasthecompleteoppositeofthewayI’dgrownup,wherethequestionhadbeenwhereIwasgoingforundergradandnotif.MomandDadjokinglycalledmytuitionaparentship,sincetheywerepayingformyeducation.I’dneverhadtostrugglewiththekindofchoiceNatewasmaking.“Andwhatdoyouwanttodoonceyougraduate?”
Hisbrowknit.“Ihaven’tgottenthatfaryet.Maybeteach.IlikeEnglish.Somethingwithliterature.ButmaybeI’lllikethearmy.SpecialForcesseemsprettyawesometoo.”
“Ladiesandgentlemen,thisisyourcaptainspeaking.Firstoff,I’dliketowelcomeyouallaboardflight826withnonstopservicetoAtlanta.Youmayhavenoticed,butthere’saratherthicklayeroffogthat’sslowingeveryonedownthismorning,anditlookslikewe’retwenty-secondinlinefortakeoff,whichmeansit’sgoingtobeaboutfortyminutesorlongerbeforewe’reintheair.”
Acollectivegroansoundedfromthepassengersaroundus,meincluded.Fortyminuteswouldn’tkeepmefrommyconnectiontoSyracuse,butitwouldmakeittight.
“Thegoodnewsisthattheweatherlooksgoodoncewebreakfreeofthisfog,sowe’lltryandmakeupthetimeintheair.Bearwithus,folks,andthanksforflyingwithus.”
Therewasaseriesofpingsaroundusaspeoplepressedtheircallbuttons,nodoubtstressedabouttheirownconnections.
“AreyouconnectinginAtlanta?”IaskedNate.
“Yeah,toColumbus,butIhaveafewhoursbeforethatone.”Hethumbedthesplitinhislipandshiftedinhisseat.
“Ihavesomeantibioticointmentinmypurse,”Ioffered.“Tylenol,too,ifithurts.”
Hiseyebrowsrose.“Youkeepafirstaidkitinyourpurse?”
Mycheeksheatedagain.“Justtheessentials.Youneverknowwhenyou’regoingtogetstuckonthetarmacwithastrangerwhohasalongstoryaboutasplitlip.”Ismiledslowly.
Hislaughterwassoft,barelydiscernible.“I’llbeokay.I’vehadworse.”
“That’snotreassuring.”Huh.Therewasaslightbumpinhisnose,andIcouldn’thelpbutwonderifhe’dbrokenitatonepoint.
Helaughedlouderthistime.“Trustme.Itwillbeokay.”
“Thatmusthavebeensomedisagreement.”
“Usuallyis.”Hefellquiet,andmychesttightenedattherealizationthatI’dpokedwhereIhadnobusinesspoking.Again.
“So,whatelsehaveyoureadoffyouronehundredmust-readbooks?”Iasked.
“Hmm.”Heglancedupward,likehewasthinking.“TheOutsiders,by—”
“S.E.Hinton,”Ifinished.Shit,Iinterruptedhim.“Gofigure.I’mprettysuretheyhandthatouttoeveryprospectivebadboytheirfreshmanyearofhighschool.”Icouldn’tstopmysmile.
“Heynow—”Hedrewbacklikehewaswounded.“Whataboutthis”—hemotioneddownhisframe—“saysthatI’mabadboy?Igrewuponafarm.”
Ilaughed,forgettingthatweweremovingsteadilyforwardthroughthetakeoffline.“Thatbody?Thatface?Thatcutonyourlip?Thosescraped-upknuckles?”Iglancedatwherehissleevemethisarm,notingtheswirlsofblackink.“Oh,andtattoos?Quintessentialbadboymaterialrightthere.Ibetyouleftaplethoraofbrokenheartsinyourwake.”
“Whosaysplethorainanormalconversation?”Hissmileonlymademinebigger.Badboyornot,IknewNate’ssmilemusthavedroppeditsshareofpanties,becauseifweweren’tonthisplane,Imighthaveconsideredmyfirstone-nightstand.“I’lltellyouwho.Goodlittlecollegegirls.”
“Guiltyascharged.”Iliftedmybrowsathim.“Youevenhavethehot,broodyreadingvibedown.VeryJessMarianoofyou.”
“Jesswho?”Heblinkedinconfusion.
“JessMariano,”Imanaged.Thoseeyesweregoingtobethedeathofme.TheshaderemindedmeoftheIceLakesupbySilverton,notquiteglacial.Morelikeaqua.“Youknow,fromGilmoreGirls.”
“Neverseenit.”Heshookhishead.
“Well,ifyoueverdo,justrememberthatyou’reprettymuchJess,just…tallerandhotter.”Islammedmylipsshut.
“Hotter,huh?”heteasedwithaknowinglookthatsentmybodytemperatureupanotherdegreeortwo.
“JustforgetIsaidthat.”Irippedmymortifiedgazefromhisandunzippedmyvest.Howhotwasitinhere?“Whatelseisonyourreadinglist?”
Hiseyesnarrowedjustslightly,buthewentalongwiththesubjectchange.“I’vealreadyreadFahrenheit451,LordoftheFlies,LastoftheMohicans—”
“Nowthatisagoodmovie.”Isighed.“Thewayhetellsherthathe’llfindherrightbeforehejumpsthroughthewaterfall?Amazing.Totalromancematerial.”
“Watchingthemoviedoesn’tcount!”Heshookhishead,chuckling.“Andit’snotaromance.It’sanadventurewithalittlelovestorymixedin,butnotaromance.”
“Howcanyousayit’snotaromance?”
“Becausethebookisalittledifferentfromthemovie.”Heshrugged.
“Differentlikehow?”
“Youreallywanttoknow?”
“Yes!”Ilovedthatmovie.Itwasmygo-toforabroken-hearticecreamsession.
“Coradies.”
Myjawdropped.
Natewinced.“Imean,youasked.”
“Well,nowI’msureashellneverreadingit.I’lljuststicktothemovie,”Imutteredaswemovedforwardinline.Glancingoutthewindowwasn’thelpingmeeither.Thevisibilitywasuttercrap.
Minutesspedbyaswecomparedafewoftheotherbooksonhislist.Someofthem,likeTheGreatGatsby,I’dreadinhighschool,butothers,likeBandofBrothers,Ihadn’t.
“Okay,sowhatwouldbeonyouronehundredbookslist?”heasked.
“Goodquestion.”Itiltedmyheadinthoughtaswecontinuedrollingalong.“PrideandPrejudice,forsure.ThenEastofEden—”
“Ohman,IhadenoughSteinbeckafterGrapesofWrath.”
“EastofEdeniswaybetter.”Inoddedasifmyopinionmadeitfact.“Whatelse?TheHandmaid’sTale,andTheImmortalLifeofHenriettaLackswasreallygoodtoo—oh,haveyoureadTheHungerGamesyet?Thethirdbookjustcameoutlastyear,andit’samazing.”
“Ihaven’t.IjustfinishedTheAdventuresofHuckleberryFinnbeforeIpickedthisoneup.”Heglanceddownathisbook.“MaybeIshouldlookatamoremodernlist.”
“Hey,HuckFinnisgreat.NothinglikesailingdowntheMississippi.”
“Itwasgood,”heagreed.“Iwon’thaveanyreadingtimewhileI’minbasic,butIpackedacoupleofbooksjustincase,”hemusedquietly.“Afriendofminewhowentthroughlastyeartoldmetheytakeprettymucheverythingwhenyousignin,butIputmyiPodinalabeledziplockbagjustincase.”
“Howold—”Ipressedmylipstogetherbeforetherestofthatquestioncouldcomeout.Itwasnoneofmybusinesshowoldhewas,thoughhelookedaboutmyage.
“HowoldamI?”hefinished.
Inodded.
“Justturnednineteenlastmonth.You?”
“EighteenuntilMarch.I’monlyafreshman.”Iranmythumbovertheedgeofmybooktokeepmyhandsbusy.“Aren’tyou…nervous?”
“Aboutflying?”Hisbrowfurrowedslightly.
“No,aboutgoingintothearmy.Thereareacoupleofwarsgoingon.”Margo—myroommate—lostheroldestbrotherinIraqacoupleofyearsago,butIwasn’tabouttosaythat.
Sprayhitthewingsaswewentthroughthedeicingprocess.
“Yeah,Iheardsomethingaboutthose.”Againwiththedimple.Hetookadeepbreathandlookedforwardasifconsideringhisanswer.“I’dbelyingifIsaidIdidn’tconsiderthewholedeath-and-dyingthing.ButthewayIseeit,thereareallkindsofwars.Somearejustmorevisiblethanothers.Itwon’texactlybethefirsttimesomeonehasswungforme,andatleastthistimeI’llbearmed.Besides,theriskisworththerewardfromwhereI’msitting.Thinkaboutit—ifyouhadn’tgottenonthisplane,weneverwouldhavemet.Riskandreward,right?”Heglancedmyway,andoureyeslockedandheld.
Suddenly,mywishtobeoffthisplanehadnothingtodowithmyfearofflyingandeverythingtodowithNathaniel.Ifwe’dmetoncampus,orevenbackhomeinDenver,thisconversationwouldn’thavetoendinacoupleofhourswhenwereachedAtlanta.
Thenagain,ifwe’dbeenoncampusorinDenver,whoknewifwewouldhavehaditinthefirstplace.Ididn’texactlymakeahabitofchattinguphotguys.IleftthatuptoMargo.Thequiet,accessibleoneswereusuallymoremytype.
“Icouldsendyoubooks,”Iofferedquietly.“Ifyou’reallowedtoreadanddon’thaveenoughwhileyou’rethere.”
“Youwoulddothat?”Hiseyeswidenedwithsurprise.
Inodded,andthesmileheansweredwithsentmypulseskyrocketing.
“Flightattendants,preparefortakeoff,”thepilotsaidoverthePAsystem.
Guessitwasourturn.
Theattendantclosesttoustoldsomeoneafewrowsaheadtoputtheirtraytableup,thenstrodeforhisseat,bucklingintofaceus.
Igrippedbotharmrestsastheenginesrevvedandwehurtledforward,themomentumpushingmebackintomyseat.Thefoghadlightenedjustenoughtoseetheedgeoftherunwayasweracedpast.Isqueezedmyeyesshutandtookasteadyingbreathbeforeopeningthem.
Natelookedmyway,thenstuckhishandout,offeringitpalmup.
“I’mokay,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth,tryingtoremembertobreatheinthroughmynoseandoutthroughmymouth.
“Takeit.Iwon’tbite.”
Screwit.
Igraspedhishand,andhelacedourfingerstogether,warmthinfusingmyclammy,ice-coldskin.
“Goaheadandsqueeze.Youcan’tbreakme.”
“Youmightregretit.”Iwhite-knuckledhishand,mybreathscomingfasterandfasteraswespedtowardtakeoff.
“Isomehowdoubtthat.”Histhumbstrokedovermine.“Threeminutes.Right?Thefirstthreeminutesaftertakeoff?”
“Yep.”
Hecrossedhisleftwristtoourjoinedhandsandpushedafewbuttons,startinghisstopwatch.“There.Whenitreachesthreeminutes,youcanrelaxuntilweland.”
“You’rereallytoosweet.”Thetiresrumbledandtheplaneshimmiedbeneathusasweaccelerated.IsqueezedhishandsohardIprobablycutoffhisbloodsupply,butIwastoobusytryingtobreathetofeelanadequateamountofembarrassment.
“I’vebeencalledalotofthings,butsweethasn’teverbeenoneofthem,”heansweredwithasqueezeasweliftedoff.
“Askmesomething,”Iblurtedaseveryworst-casescenarioflashedthroughmymind.“Anything.”Mypulseskyrocketed.
“Okay.”Hisbrowfurrowedinthought.“Didyouevernoticethatpinetreessway?”
“What?”
“Pinetrees.”Hecheckedhiswatch.“Peoplealwaystalkaboutpalmtreesswaying,butpinetreesdotoo.It’sthemostpeacefulthingI’veeverseen.”
“Pinetrees,”Imused.“I’venevernoticed.”
“Yep.What’syourfavoritemovie?”
“Titanic,”Iansweredautomatically.
Theplanepitchedupward,droppingmystomachasweangledintoasteepclimb.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”Inoddedquickly.“Imean,therewastotallyroomonthedoor,butIlovedtherestofit.”
Helaughedsoftlyandshookhishead.“Twominutestogo.”
“Twominutes,”Irepeated,willingmybreathstoslowandtheknottountangleitselffrommythroat.Theoddsofbeinginaplanecrashweresominuscule,andyethereIwas,clutchedontoagorgeousstrangerwhoprobablythoughtIwasafewcrayonsshortofabox.
“What’syourfavoritetimeofday?”heasked.“Hey,I’mjustdistractingyou.”
“Sunset,”Isaid.“You?”
“Sunrise.Ilikethepossibilitiesoftheday.”
Heglancedintotheseaofgraythatfilledthewindow,andIleanedforwardtochanceapeek.Icouldseetheedgeofthewingthroughthethickfog,buteverythingelsewasstillmurky.Maybeitwasn’tsobadifIcouldn’tseetheground.
Theengineswhinedatahigherpitch.
“Whatthe—”Natestarted.
Thesoundofmetalonmetalstilledmyheart.
Thewingexplodedinaballoffire.CHAPTERTHREE
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“Thatappearedtogowell.”Torres’svoicethickenedwithsarcasmasIwatchedIzzywalkawaywiththerestoftheenvoy.Shehadn’tstomped,stormed,orevenglaredatmebeforefollowingWebbtowardthearmoredcarsattheedgeoftherunway.She’dsimplydismissedmelikewedidn’thaveadecadeofhistorybetweenus.
Iscoffed,buttherewasnostoppingthecornersofmymouthastheyliftedinappreciation.Wellplayed.
“That’sher,isn’tit?”Torresaskedaswefellinbehindthepoliticians.“Shit,Ibarelyrecognizedher.”
Politician.Shehatedpolitics—atleastsheusedto.She’dmadesuchabigdealaboutgettingintothenonprofitsector,nevergivingintothepressureherparentsputonhertofurthertheirownagendathroughhercareer,andyethereshewas.
She’dmadeachoicethatdayafterall
Whenpushcametoshove,shewasanAstor.
Angerrose,swiftandhot,andIshoveditaside.Logically,I’dalwaysknownshe’dchosenherparents,butseeingthatchoiceplayoutcutlikeadullknife.
“SergeantGreen.”Grahamfellintostepbesideme.“Youwanttocluemeinonwhatthatwasabout?”
“Nothingtoclueyouinon,”Imuttered,rippingmygazefromtheswayofIzzy’shairandscanningtheperimeter.IloweredmyWileyXstoshieldmyeyesfromthesun.
Shit,howthehellwasshehere?
“Right.Becausethatdidn’tjustgodownlikeyouranintoyourexonthetarmacoranything.”SarcasmdrippedfromGraham’stone.
“She’snotmyex.”Wenevergottothatpoint.“Andwipethesmirkoffyourface.”
“She’sworsethanyourex,”Torresmumbled.“She’syourwhat-if.”
“Touchy,aren’twe.”Graham’sgrinfaded.“Ican’tbelievetheyturneddowntheChinook.”
Igruntedinagreement.Earliertoday,Ihadn’tgivenashitthatthepoliticianshadrefusedtotakethearmoredChinook—or,aswecalledit,EmbassyAir—fromtheairporttotheUSembassy.Theseven-kilometerroutewassafeenough—fornow.ButthatwasbeforeIknewitwasIzzywe’dbetransporting.Iwantedherbehindbulletproofeverything.Hell,Iwantedheroutofhere,period
Wereachedtheconvoy,andtheaidessplitbetweenthecentertwoofthefourblackSUVs.Holt—theaideKellmanwasresponsiblefor—climbedintothebackofthesecondvehicle,Izzyfollowingafter.
Herbackpackslippedoffhershoulder,andIcaughtitbythestrapbeforeitcouldhitthepavement.Thecommonolive-greenfabricwassoftandworn,thepaddingflattenedbyyearsofobvioususe,buttherewasnomistakingthecylindricalburnmarknearthezipper.
Thebreathpunchedoutofmylungs,andawrysmiletwistedmylipsasIliftedthepack,myeyesrisingtomeethers,bothhiddenbehindoursunglasses.Thelensesmadeitsomuchhardertoreadher.Herbodylanguagewasasolidattemptatcalmandcollected,buthereyeshadalwaysbeenthebestwaytogetafeelforwhatshewasthinking.WassheallovertheplacelikeIwas,orhadthreeyearsofsilencereallymadeherthatapathetic?
“Yourbag,Ms.Astor,”Isaidslowlyasabreezefromtheair-conditioningdriftedovermyface.
Herlipsparted,andsheswallowedbeforetakingitfrommyhandsandshiftingittoherlap.“Thankyou.”
“Canyouturntheairup?”Holtaskedthedriver,tuggingonhistieassweatdrippeddownhisbeet-redneck.
Grahamlookedbackoverhisshoulderfrombehindthewheelandlaughedsoftly.“Sorry.It’salreadyonmax.It’sjustthatdamnedhothere.”
Holtfellbackagainsttheseat,lookinglikesomeonehadshothispuppy.
“Forfuck’ssake,”Kellmanmuttered,alreadyheadingtowardthetacticalseatsinthebackrow.
Aquickglancetoldmealltheluggagehadbeenloadedintotherearvehicle,andalltheaidesweresecure.Iscannedtheperimeteragain,eventhoughthereweresixotheroperatorsdoingthesame,andcaughtWebb’snodbeforeheslidintotheleadcar.
Itwastimetogo.
“Buckleup,”ItoldIzzy,shuttingherdoorbeforeshecouldrespond.
There.ShewasbehindasmuchbulletproofglassasIhadonhand.
Itookthefrontpassengerseatandshutthedoor.“Go.”Imotionedtowardtherollingleadcarasthemannedgateopenedinfrontofus.
ThesweetscentoflemonsandChanelno.5hitmynose.ThatvisearoundmychesttightenedanotherpainfulnotchasIfoughtoffabarrageofmemoriesthatIdidn’thavetimefor.Thatringonherfingermighthavebeennew,butsomethingshadn’tchanged.Shestillsmelledlikelongsummernights.
Grahamputthecarindriveandfollowed,takingusintoKabul.Mysensesrosetohighalert,takingineverydetailoftherouteandthosewhowalkedordrovealongsideus,scanningforanypossiblethreat.
“Abouthowlonguntilwereachtheembassy?”Holtasked,dabbingathisneck
Kellmanhadhisworkcutoutforhimwiththisguy.Hewasgoingtobearealpainintheassforthenextweek.NotthatIdidn’thavemyownhandsfull.
IsabeaufuckingAstorwasbehindme,lessthantwofeetawayforthefirsttimesincethatrainynightinNewYorkwhereeverythinghadgonesomassivelywrong.Whenhadshequitthatfirm?Whenhadshedecidedtogoworkforasenator?Ibetherparentswerethrilled.They’dalwaysbeenaboutthatstatus-drivenstuff.Whatelsehadchangedinthelastfewyears?
Focus.
“DependsontrafficandwhetherornotyourarrivalwasleakedtotheguyswholiketomakepoliticalstatementswithRPGs,”Grahamanswered,hissoutherndrawllingeringonthatlastword.
Thebackofmyneckheated,andIknewifIturnedaround,I’dfindIzzy’sgazelockedonme,thesamewayminewouldhavebeenonherifourpositionswerereversed.Instead,Ikeptmyattentiononoursurroundingsaswepassedtheone-kilometermarkandtrafficthickened.We’dbeintheGreenZonesoon.
“Soisthat,like…fiveminutes?Orten?”Holtasked,squirmingoutofhisjacket.
Ittookeverymuscleinmybodynottorollmyeyes.
“We’dbetherebynowifwe’dtakenthechopper,”Kellmannotedfromtheback.
“Itwasdecidedthatwouldsendthewrongmessageaboutourfaithinsecurityduringthewithdrawalprocess,”Izzystated,adjustingherbackpackonherlap.
“Whothehelldecidedimagewasthemostimportantfactorinawarzone?”Iglancedbackovermyshoulder,andherchinroseagoodtwoinches.
“SenatorLiu,”Holtanswered.
“Gofigure,theoneswhoaretakingarmoredhelicopterswhentheygetherenextweekarethesameguystellingyoutodrive,”Grahamquipped,keepingadequatedistancefromtheleadcar.“Gottalovepoliticians.”
Wepassedthetwo-kilometermark;weweremakinggoodtime.
“Howthevisitisperceivedisimportant,”Izzyargued.
What?Everyoneofmyinstinctswantedheronthefirstplaneoutofhere,andshewasconcernedabouttheperceptionofit?
“Thefactthatyouvalueperceptionoversecurityisexactlywhyyoushouldn’tfuckingbehere,”Isnappedovermyshoulder,raisingmybrowssoshe’dknowIwastalkingrighttoher.
HermouthdroppedopenbeforeIlookedaway.Payattention.
“We’rejustdoingourjobs—”Holtstarted.
“AsifyouhaveasayinwhereIshouldandshouldn’tbe?”shefiredback,hereyesnarrowingintoaglare.
Graham’seyebrowshittheceiling,buthekepthisattentionontheroad.
“Youwanttodothishere?”MaybeitwasbestsinceIcouldn’tgetmyhandsonherinthecar,thoughIwasn’tsureifIwantedtoshakesomecommonsenseintoherorkissheruntilthatdamnedringfelloff.
Whowashe?Sometrustfundbabyherfatherapprovedof?Someonewiththepoliticalconnectionsandpedigreethey’dalwayswantedforher?
“Iwantedtodothisthreeyearsago,”shechallenged,leaningforwardagainsttheseatbeltuntilIheardtheclickofitslockingmechanism.
“AmImissingsomething?”Holtaskedslowly,undoingthetopbuttonofhisshirt.
“No!”shesnapped.
“Yes,”Irepliedatthesametime.
“Huh.”Holtglancedbetweenthetwoofusbutwiselyshuthismouth.
“I’vebeeninfirefightswithlesstension,”Grahammumbled.
“Shutup.”Myjawclenched.Hewasright,whichonlypissedmeoffevenmore
Wepassedthenextfourkilometersinsilence,enteringtheGreenZone,butonlyafewouncesofthetensioneasedaswereachedtherelativesafetyoftheembassy.Thedecorativeglasswindowsthatwoveachevron-likepatternonthefrontofthebuildingwerejustthat—decorative.Theconcretewallrightbehindthemwasbuilttosustainablast.Ijustwasn’tsureitcouldsustainIzzyandmebeingunderthesameroof.
Grahamputthecarinpark,andIgotout,adjustingmyweaponbeforeopeningIzzy’sdoortofindherfightingwithherseatbelt.
“This.Stupid.Thing.”Shetuggedonthebeltandjammedherthumbintothereleasebutton.
Thesightcooledthehottestflaresofmyfrustration,andsurprisingly,Ifoughtasmile.Itwasjustso…Izzy.Ifshestayedthisflustered,shewouldn’tonlyfumble;she’dalsostarttobabble.
God,Imissedheruncensoredbabbling.
“Letmehelp.”Ileanedin.
“I’vegotit.”Sheshovedhersunglassestothetopofherheadandshotmealookthatdidn’tneedfourletters.
Puttingmyhandsup,Ibackedoutasshefuriouslypulledatthestrap.ThenIscannedtheperimeteragain,raisingmyownglassesnowthatwewereintheshade.
Webbwasalreadyoutoftheleadcar.
“Not.Supposed.To.Be.Here.”Sheseethedwitheveryyank,mockingmywords
“You’renot.Thisisthelastplaceonearthyoubelong,Iz.”Didshehaveadeathwish?
“Gladtoseeyou’restillanass.”Eachtimeshepulled,thecarbitharderintotheseatbelt,makingitthatmuchshorter.“Whatthehelliswrongwiththisthing?”
Iduckedinwithoutpermissionanddepressedthebucklewithahard,quickpush,releasingtheseatbelt.Herhandsjerkedbackfromthecontact,scrapingmypalmwithherring.“AtleastI’manasswhocanundotheseatbelt.”
Ourgazesclashed,andthebreathofspacebetweenuschargedwithenoughvoltagetoshutdownthefour-chamberedorganknownasmyheart.Tooclose.
Ibackedthehellup,gettingoutofthecarandsuckinginalungfulofmisery,givingher—andme—somespace.
“Sorry,thatbeltsticks,”Grahamcalledbackfromthefrontseat.
“Nowyoutellme,”Izzymuttered,hercheeksflushingpink.
“Isa,iseverythingokay?”Holtaskedfrombehindmeastheaidesstartedtowardtheguardeddooroftheembassy.
“Isa?”MyheaddrewbackasIzzyclimbedoutofthecar,swingingherbackpackoverhershoulder.
“That’sme,”Izzyretorted,walkingrightpastmewithoutanotherglance.
“HernameisIsab—”Holtstarted.
“Iknowhername,”Isaid,cuttinghimoff.
Webbstoodtothesideastheteamfiledinsidewiththeircharges,watchingtheexchangewithatilttohisheadthatsaidIwasgoingtohearaboutthisinaboutfiveminutes.ItwasbadenoughthatIzzyknewmyrealname—whichwassomethingIwasgoingtohavetotalktoherabout—butIwasactinglikeafoolandknewit.
Worse,Icouldn’tseemtostop.
“You’vealwaysbeenIzzy.”Ifollowedherpastthethirdrowoftreesthatmarkedthefrontoftheembassyandtowardthedoor.
Shestiffened,thenspuntofacemerightinfrontofWebb.“Izzyisaneighteen-year-oldgirlwhohastohaveherhandheld.I’mnotthatgirlanymore,andifyouhaveaproblemwithmebeinghere,thengoaheadandassignmetosomeoneelse,becauseIhavemoreimportantthingstodothanspendthenexttwoweeksprovinganythingtoyou.”Shejabbedherfingeratme,notquitemakingcontactwithmychestbeforeturningonherheelandstridinginsidetheembassy.
“So,Itakeitshe’sstillpissed?”Torresasked.
Iignoredhimandthegratingpaininmychest,blowingoutalong,exasperatedbreath.
“I’mgoingtoaskyouthisonemoretime,SergeantGreen.”Webbfellintostepwithmeaswefollowedthemin.“Istheregoingtobeaproblemhere?BecauseI’veneverseenyoudistractedlikethat.Ever.”
ThatwasbecausenothingdistractedmelikeIsabeauAstor.Shewasn’tsomebright,shinylittlediversion.Thewomanwasameteor,ashootingstarcapableofgrantingimpossiblewishesordestroyinglifeasIknewit.
AndshewascurrentlygreetingtheambassadorbehindtheglasswalloftheconferenceroomdirectlyinfrontofmewiththekindofpracticedeasethatspoketoawealthofexperienceIknewnothingabout.Maybeshewasright,andshewasn’tmyIzzyanymore…notthatshe’deverbeenmine.Notreally.
“Wehavehistory,”Iadmitted.Historydidn’tevencutit.WewereboundinwaysI’dneverunderstood.
“Noshit,Sherlock.Isitgoingtobealiability?Becauseyourreplacementshouldbeupandaboutinafewdays,andyoucanbeonyourwaytotheMaldives.”
“I’mprocessing.”Ihadn’tevengivenmylittleprepaidoverwaterbungalowathoughtsinceIzzyhadsteppedontothetarmac.
IglancedatTorres.
“WhyareyoulookingatmelikeIhaveanythingtosaythatyoudon’talreadyknow?”
Hecockedhisheadtotheside.
MyjawclenchedasIzzysmiledandshooktheambassador’shand.
“Justletmeknowbytonight,”Webbordered,thenheadedtowardtheconferenceroom.“Theyaddedtwostopstotheitinerary,sothisshowisontheroadtomorrowmorning,”hecalledbackoverhisshoulder.
Islippedintoanunoccupiedhallwaytopullmyshittogether.
“YougoingtohandherovertoJenkins?”Torresasked,leaningagainstthewallnexttome.
“Everyinstincttellsmenotto,”Isaidquietly.“Butatleasthe’dtreatherasjustanotherdetail.”
“Justanothermission.”Torresnodded.“Solidpoint.”
Jenkinswouldn’tspareasingleglanceforhereyes,hersmile,hercurves.He’dbe100percentfocused.“She’llbesaferwithme.”
“Becauseyou’reinlovewithher?”Torresquestioned.
Ishookmyhead.“BecauseJenkinsisn’twillingtodieforher.”
“Doesitevercrossyourmindthatdyingforsomeonemightnotbeallit’scrackeduptobe?”
“Everysingleday.”Remorsetwistedmystomach.
“That’snotwhatImeant.Onedayyou’regoingtohavetoletthatguiltgo.”
“Buttodayisnotthatday.”
Hesighed,rubbingthebridgeofhisnose.“Look,talkingthisshitoutwithmeisn’tgoingtohelp.Webothalreadyknowwhatyou’regoingtodo.”
Inodded.I’dbeenprotectingIzzyfortoolongtostopnowjustbecauseitmightbeuncomfortable.
Grahampassedthehallwayandthendidadoubletake.“Hey,boss,thereyouare.”Hewavedapieceofpaper.“Newitinerary.”
TorresandIpushedoffthewall,andItooktheupdatefromGraham.
“Kunduz?”Torresreadovermyshoulder.
“Sheaddedtwoprovincesinthenorth,”Grahamsaid.“IthoughtSenatorLaurenwasfocusedonthesouth.Thatgirls’chessteam,right?”
“Right,”Isaid,scanningoverthechangesIzzyhadobviouslymade.
Somethingwasup.CHAPTERFOUR
IZZY
SaintLouis
November2011
Mystomachhittheflooraswepitchedsideways,thefireonthewingflowingfromtheenginelikethetailfeathersofamacabrephoenix.Theenginewentsilentinastreamofsmoke,buttherewereothernoisestotakeitsplace.
Shrieks,bothhumanandmetal.Mechanics.Thehigh-pitchedwhineastheotherenginefoughttocarrytheburden.
Icouldn’tbreathe,couldn’tthink,couldonlyhearthescreamsfromthepassengersasourrollbecameadiveandwecareenedtotheleft.Thearmreststruckmyribs.Overheadcompartmentsburstopen,rainingdownluggage.Somethinghardhitmyshoulder.Morescreaming.
Myhandwhite-knuckledNathaniel’s.
“Welostanengine.”Hisgriptightened.“Butweshouldbe—”
Theengineontherightsputteredandfailed.
Screamseruptedaroundus.
Howwasthishappening?Howwasthisreal?We’dlostbothengines.Thelogicinmeunderstood.Down.Weweregoingdown
Imusthavespoken—orcried—thewordsaloud,becausehewhippedtowardme,graspingthesideofmycheekwithhishandandleaninginlikehecouldsomehowblockouteverythingaroundus.
“Lookatme,”heordered.
Idraggedmyfocusfromtheapocalypseoutsideourwindow,andhisblueeyesboredintomine,consumingmyfieldofvisionuntilhewasallIcouldsee.
“Thiswillbeokay.”Hewassocalm,sosure.
Soutterlyfreakinginsane.
“Thisisnotokay!”Myvoicewasastrangledwhisperasweplummeteddownward,ourangleonlydecreasingslightlyasweleveledouthorizontally,butnotvertically.
“Staycalm!”oneoftheflightattendantscalledoutastheplaneshuddered,themetalvibratingarounduslikeitwouldcomeapartatanysecond.
IswallowedthescreaminmythroatandfocusedonNate.
“Thisisthecaptain,”atensevoicesaidoverthespeaker.“Braceforimpact.”
We’regoingtodie.
Mypulsethunderedsolouditbecamearoarinmyears,mixingwiththecacophonyofstartledcriesfromtheotherpassengers.
Nate’seyesflewwideandhereleasedmycheek,buthekeptholdofmyhandaswemovedtofollowinstructions.
“Brace!Brace!Brace!”theflightattendantsyelledincadence.“Headdown!Staydown!”
Ifoldedmybodyinhalf,restingmyfacenearmykneesandcoveringmyheadwithmyrighthand.MyleftstayedfirmlyentwinedwithNate’saswefellfromthesky.
“It’sokay,”hepromised,mirroringmypositionasbesthecouldastheflightattendantsrepeatedtheircommands.“Justkeeplookingatme.You’renotalone.”
“Notalone,”Irepeated,ourhandsclaspedsotightwemayaswellhavebeenweldedasoneinthatmoment.
“Brace!Brace!Brace!Headdown!Staydown!”
Therewasnomontageofmylifeflashinginfrontofmyeyes.NooutcryfrommysoulthatIhadn’taccomplishedanythingofanysignificanceinmyeighteenyearsonthisplanet.Noneoftherevelationspeopletalkedaboutaftercomingoutofnear-deathexperiences.Becausethiswasn’tnear-death.
Thiswasactualdeath.Period.
Serena—
“Brace!”
WehitabrickwallandIbecameaprojectile,myseatbeltpunchingmystomachasmylimbswentlimp,flingingforwardwithoutinstruction.
Wehurtledtotheleft,andpaineruptedinmyside.Thenwewereweightlessforabreathofaheartbeatbeforerammingtheearthagainlikeastonethathadbeenskippedonanunforgivinglake.
Everyboneinmybodyjarredloose.
Myheadbouncedoffthetraytable.
Somethingheavypressedagainstmybackaswebarreledforwardthroughunreceptiveterraintothesoundtrackofscreechingmetalandscreams.Theverygroundbeneathusroaredandtheworldwentdark.
We…stopped.
MyvisionblurredasIliftedmyhead,theseatinfrontofmebarelydiscernibleinthemurkydarkness.
Wasthisit?Wasthisdeath?Nosingingangelsorwavesofenergy…just…this?Whateverthiswas?Itfeltlikebeingrockedtosleep,risingandfallingalittlewitheachbreath.
Greenlightsflickered,illuminatingthecabinjustasthedarknessfellawayfromthewindowsinawave.
Iblinked,tryingtoforcemyeyestofocus.
Awomanacrosstheaisleopenedhermouth,buttheringinginmyearseclipsedanysoundshetriedtomake.Therewasababyinherarms,andit,too,appearedtobecaughtinasoundlessscream.
Warmthsurroundedthesideofmyfaceasmyheadwasturned.
Nathaniel.
Hewasalive…andsowasI.
Hismouthopenedandclosed,hiseyessearchingmineasastreamofbloodrandownthesideofhisfacefromasourcesomewhereabovehislefteye.
“Whatareyoutryingtosay?”Icalledout.“You’rehurt!”Iliftedatremblinghandtohisface.
Hismouthmovedagain,andsuddenlytherewasanothersoundcompetingwiththehigh-pitchedroarinmyears.Theintercom?
“Wehavetomove!”Nateshouted,hisvoicebreakingthrough.“Izzy!Wehavetomove!”
AsthoughsomeonehadhitunmuteontheTVremote,soundsofpanickedcriesandwailingcamerushingin.
“Evacuate!Evacuate!”Thecommandcameovertheintercom.
We’dsomehowmanagedtosurvive,butforhowlong?
“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
“Ihavetogetthedoor!”Nategavemyhandasqueezeandthenunlacedourfingers,unbucklingmyseatbeltbeforeunlatchinghisown.“Canyougetyours?”heyelledacrosstheaisle.
“I’monit!”avoiceanswered.
Natestood,hisenormousbackblockingtheviewoftheemergencyexitasheworkedthehandle.
Somethingicecoldrushedfromthefloor,chillingmyfeetinstantaneously.
“OhGod,we’reinthewater,”Isaidtomyself.Theriver.
Peoplestumbledintotheaislesinaflurryofmovement.
Natedislodgedthedoor,thenthrewitoutsidetheplaneusingbothhands.
“Evacuate!Evacuate!”
Ifumbledundermyseat,thenhis,grabbingtheinflatablelifejacketsandshovingtheminsidemyvestbeforeyankingthezipperup.There’dbetimeforthoselater.
Thebabycriedasamanacrosstheaislecursed,grapplingwithhisdoor.
“Izzy!”Natereachedbackandtookmyhand,pullingmetomyfeetasthewaterrushedupovermyankles,mylowershins.
Someoneshovedintomyshoulderasthecabin-widepanicpitchedhigherintone
Nateclimbedoutoftheemergencydoor,neverlettinggoofmyhand,tuggingmebehindhimandupthroughthedoorway,ontotheicywing.
WewereinthemiddleoftheMissouriRiver.
“Takethatside!”Ishoutedathimasthewaterlickedoverthefrontofthewing.
Hisjawclenchedandhestartedtoshakehishead,butheletmyhandslipfromhisasweeachflankedasideofthedoorway.
“Givemeyourhand!”Ithrustminetowardthewomanstrugglingattheexit,andsheliftedupherhands.NateandIeachtookone,liftingherontothewing.
“Leavethedamnedsuitcase!”Nateyelledintothecabinbeforehelpingthenextguyout.
“Theyjustgottheotherdooropen,”onewomancriedassheemerged,herfeetslippingontheiced-overmetal.
“Careful!”Ishouted,steadyingher.
Againandagain,weliftedpassengerafterpassenger.
“Givemethebaby!”Ireachedforaninfantcradledinanotherwoman’sarmsandheldthepinkbundleofscreaming,insultedbabygirltomychestasNatepulledthemomout.
“Thankyou!”Shetookthelittlegirlandclearedthepath.
Thewatercrestedoverthewing,andImovedsidewaystoseethefrontoftheaircraftasNatehelpedanotherpassengerout.Thefrontexitdoorswereopen,raftsdeployed,asattendantshelpedpassengersintothewater…waterthatsurgedinsidethedoors,uptotheirkneesasonemantrudgedintotherapidlyfillingraft.
“We’resinking.”
Natenodded.
Howmanypassengerswerethere?Howlongdidwehaveuntilthewaterfilledthefuselage?
Aman.Awoman.Anotherman.Ascaredchild.Wepulledthemalloutofthecabinuntilthewingwasfullandnooneelsecalledoutforhelpfrominside.
“Isthatall?”Nateyelledintothecabin.
Nooneansweredbackasthewatersoakedtheseatcushions.
Asplashturnedmyhead,andIsawafewofthepassengersjumpingintotheriver.Wewerefiftyyardsfromshore.
Natemovedacrossthedoorwayandtookmyhand.
“Wehavetoswim,”IsaidascalmlyasIcouldmanage.Therewouldbenoprettylittlerescue-on-the-Hudsonforus.
“Yeah.”
“Ican’tswim!”akidnexttomecriedout,buryinghisfaceinhisfather’sjacket.
Thelifejackets.
“Here.”Ireachedintomyvestandpulledoutaplasticpacket,rippingitopenwithmyteethbeforehandingittothefather.
Hisstartledeyesmetmine.“Ididn’tgrabours.”
“Takemine.I’mfine.”Igavehimareassuringsmileandnodbeforegrabbingtheotherpacketfrommyvest.“Igrabbedyourstoo,”ItoldNate,pushingthepacketathischest.
Heblinkeddownatthevestandshookhishead.“Putiton.”
“Idon’tneedit,”Iassuredhim.“Sixyearsontheswimteam.”
Helookedfrommetothevestacoupleoftimesandthenlookedoverthepassengers.“Whereisthemomwiththebaby?”hecalledout.
Herhandflewupfromsomewheremidwaydownthewing.
“Givethistoher,”Nateinstructedthedadnexttous,andhepasseditdownthelineuntilthewomanreceivedit.
Splotchesofbrightyellowfilledmyperipheralsasafewotherpassengersslippedthevestsonandstartedblowingthemup.
Watercoveredtheedgesofthewing,andweallshuffledback,notthatourweightwasgoingtobalancetheaircraftorkeepitfromsinkingtotheriverbed
Theplanedipped,andasimultaneouscryofpanicrippedthroughthecrowdedwingastwopassengersslippedintothewater.
“Lookatme,”Natedemanded,tippingmychinupwithhisthumbandforefingers.
Hadhealwaysbeenthisblurry?
“Shit,yourpupilsarehuge,”hemuttered,hisfingersghostingovermyforeheadwithawince.“Andthat’sonehellofagooseegg.Ringinginyourears?Blurryvision?”
“Both.”
“You’reconcussed.”Helookedovermyhead,thenswungaroundtolookatthedippingnoseoftheplaneasthewaterateupthecockpitglassandsurgedtowardthedoor.“Everyone’sout,there’snothingelsewecando,andwe’regoingtobeunderwaterinminutes.Wehavetoswimforshore.Canyoudothat?”
Mysidetwinged,asubtle,cuttingache.“Icanmakeit.”
Henodded,hisgriptighteningonmyhand.“We’regoingtogether.Thewaterisabouttendegreesabovefreezingthistimeofyear.”
Anothersplash,thistimefromtheothersideoftheaircraft.
“Andwedon’tevenhaveadoortofloaton.Well,there’snothinglikelivingoutyourfavoritemovie,right?”Iforcedashakygrin.
“You’vegotjokes.Nice.”
Theplanepitchedforward,nose-down,andmyfeetslippedaspeopleshriekedaroundus,slidingintothewater.
“Shit!”Nate’shandtightenedlikeaviseasIskiddedtowardtheedge,andheyankedmeback,wrappinghisarmaroundmyside.
Painexplodedfrombehindmyribs,andIgaspedattheintensityasitwashedoverme,rawandsharp.
“Gotyou!Nowlet’sgetoffthisthing!”Heedgedustowardthebackofthewing,whichroseabruptlyastheplaneleanedintothewater,thefuselagegroaninglikeadyingmanaswaterdevouredthefrontdoorsandstartedmarchingupthewindows.“We’rejumping,”hesaid,holdingmyhandbetweenusandfacingtheshore.“Ready?”
“Ready.”Iswallowed,bracingfortheicywelcomeofthewaterbeneathus.
“Onthree.”Helookedatmeandthenourlandingzone.“One.”
“Two,”Icontinued.
Theplanegaveadeathgaspandrattledasitplungedintotheriver,pickingupspeed.“Three,”Naterushed.
Wejumped.CHAPTERFIVE
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
Ithadtobethealtitude,right?ThatwaswhyIcouldn’tseemtogetadeepbreath,totakeinenoughairtorelievetheburningsensationgrowinginmychest.Ithadnothingtodowithhim.
Liar.
OutofthebillionscenariosI’dpicturedovertheyearswhenitcametoseeingNateagain,thiswasn’toneofthem.I’dimaginedhimshowingupatmydooronsomerainynight,orevenmarchingintomyofficeinDCtotellmeIcouldn’tmarryJeremy.Fine,thatscenariowasfarfetched,butthatdidn’tmeanithadn’trunthroughmybrainatimeortwo.
Itwistedthegaudy,heavyringaroundmyfingerwithmythumbandpacedthelengthofmysuite.
Natewashere.ThemanIusedtoconsidermysoulmatewasinthesamecity—thesamebuilding.Mypulseskyrocketed,andIclampeddownoneveryinstinctthattoldmetohunthimdownandeitherscreamathimforwhathe’dputmethroughorhughimsotightneitherofuswouldbeabletobreathe.Maybeboth.
“Areyouevenlisteningtome?”
Jeremy.
Shit,hewasstillonthephone.
“I’mhere.”Ishookmyheadandlookedoutthewindow,takingintheviewoftheembassy’scourtyard,hopingforaglimpseofNate…ifhewasevenoutthere.
He’dshownmetomysuitewithabrusquecivilitythatsuggestedhewantedtogetasfarawayfrommeaspossible.Notsurprising,giventhelastthreeyears.
“Look,IsaidIwassorry—”
MythoughtsmuffledtherestofJeremy’sexcuses.
Thereweresomethingsthatevenapologiescouldn’tfix.
“IsaidIneededsometime.”Isaggedintotheoversizearmchairthatflankedtheseatingarrangementinthelivingroom.
“Youdidn’tsaythatyouweregoinghalfwayaroundtheworldforLauren!YouandIbothknowthatwassupposedtobeNewcastleonthatflight,”hesnapped.“Look,ifyouneededsometimeto…”Therewasanaudibleswallowontheotherline.“Cometoadecision,thenyoucouldhavedonethatfromDCorgonetoSerena’splace—”
Serena.Awholenewwaveofnauseawashedoverme,sothickIcouldtasteitsbittercoatingonmytongue.“Look,Jer,beingherehasnothingtodowithyouandyourchoices,justmeandmine.Ifyou’devenremotelypaidattentiontowhatI’dbeentellingyouforthepastsixweeks…”Irubbedthespotbetweenmyeyebrowsandhuffedoutaself-deprecatinglaugh.“Thenagain,you’vebeenjugglingafewthings,haven’tyou?”Ilookedaroundforaclock.Eightsixteenp.m.here,andthejetlagwaskickingmyass.Mybodydidn’tcarewhattimeitreallywasaslongasIletitsleep,butmybrainknewIneededtoadjustasquicklyaspossible,andanearlybedtimewouldn’thelp.
“Look,we’vebothbeenbusywithwork,Isa.Just…let’stalkthisoutlikematureadults.”Hiscondescendingtonestiffenedmyspine.
“I’mnotreadytotalkitout.”Threeknockssoundedatmydoor.“Someone’shere.”Istoodandmademywaytowardthedoor.
“Letmeguess?BenHoltistheretosootheallyourfeelings?”Jeremyfiredback.“We’renotdonewiththisconversation.”
“Weareabsolutelydonewiththisconversation.”Myvoicerose,andIthrewopenthedoorwithaboutasmuchgraceasadrunkenllama.Itslammedintothedoorstopandbouncedback.Abroadhandflewoutandcaughtitbeforeitcouldsmackmeinthehip…ahandattachedtoatattooedforearmIknewaswellasmyown.
Nathanielstoodinmydoorway,dressedheadtotoeinblackcombatgear,toincludeaKevlarvestandsquigglylittleearpiecethatprobablykepthimconnectedtotheotherninjaswho’descortedusfromtheembassy.
Firstascruffybeardandunmarkeduniform,andnowthis?Apparently,Natehadbeenbusyinthelastthreeyears.
“Weneedtotalk.”Henoddedtowardtheroombehindme.“Inside.”
Thatburninmychesttransformedintoasearingflamethatthreatenedtoincineratemefromtheinsideout.Thoseeyeswouldalwaysbethedeathofme,sobluetheydeservedtheirownclassification,butthewarmthI’dalwaysdependedonhadchilled,makingthemaninfrontofmeseemmorelikeastrangerthanhehadthemorningwe’djumpedintotheMissouriRiver.
Myangerstutteredinresponsetothatglacialgaze.
OfcoursehelookedlikethenextactionstarontheHollywoodscreen,andIdidn’tevenhavethearmorofsomedecentmascara.
“…that’snotwhatapartnershipmeans!”Jeremybarkedinmyear,finishingsometiradeIhadn’treallyheard.“Letmecomeandgetyou.I’lltakethefamilyjet.Icanbetherebymorning.”
“Now,”Natewhispered,amuscleinhisjawflexing.
“Ihavetogo,”ItoldJeremy,hittingtheendbuttonbeforehehadachancetocounter.
Ibackedupastep,andNatebrushedbyashewalkedintomysuite,thescentofearthandspearminttinglingmynose.Hestillsmelledthesame.Didthatcome-screw-mefragrancejustemanatefromhispores,orwasitbottledsomewhere?
Hedidn’tpauseorspeakashesweptthroughmyroom,checkingbehindthecurtainsbeforemarchingintomybedroomlikeheownedit.
Notthisone,atleast.
“I’mnothidingsomeoneinmyshower,Nathaniel,”Icalledafterhim,perchingmybuttontheedgeofthedeskandabandoningmycellphonetoitssurface.Jeremycouldwait.Ididn’thavetheanswershewanted.Notyet,maybenotever.
“Veryfunny,”Natecalledoutfromthebedroom.
Mymusclestensed,readyforbattlewiththisyou-shouldn’t-be-hereversionofNate,buttherewasapartofmysoulthatseemedtosettleandcalmjustbecausetheasshatwasinthesameroom.
“Justmakingsuretherearen’tanyassassinshidingbehindyourcurtains.”Hewalkedbackinwiththatconfident,efficientstrideandmovedtothewindow,noddedatwhateverhesawinthecourtyardbelow,andturnedtofaceme.
“Noonewantstoassassinateme.”Mybosswasadifferentstory,butshewouldn’tbehereuntilnextweek,andherupcomingvisitwasn’tpublicknowledgeanyway.
“Yeah,”hesaid,hisfacedeadpanashestaredmedownfromtheothersideoftheroom,“theydo.Whatthehellareyoudoinghere,Izzy?”
Izzy.Sofewpeoplecalledmethatanymore.ThesecondI’dwalkedintoSenatorLauren’soffice,I’dbecomeIsa,plainandsimple.
“Icouldaskyouthesamething,”Ifiredback,crossingmyarmsovermychest.HeatsangthroughmycheeksasIfeltthebulkofmyGeorgetownhoodiebehindmyarms.Iwasdressedforbed,barefootinpajamapants,notoutfittedtoconfrontNate.
Nate.Afterthreeyears,thisishowithappened?Notbecausehe’dcomeback,orapologizedfordisappearingoffthefaceoftheearth,butbecauseonceagain,we’dprovedtobethemagnetsthatfatecouldneverquitplayingwith?
Thiswasbullshit.
“Niceearpiece,bytheway,”Icontinued.“Atleastsomeonehereknowshowtogetaholdofyou.”Ifoughttheknotinmythroat.Thereweretoomanyemotionsfightingforsupremacy,eachchokingtheotheroutuntilthehurtofitallwonout,turningmywordssharpandacrid.
“I’mbeingserious.”
“SoamI.”
Hisjawflexedonce.Twice.“Sayit.Whateveritisyou’vebeenholdingbackallevening,justsayit.”Hefoldedhisarmsacrosshischest,mirroringmystance,buthepulleditoffwaybetter.Hehadthewhole“darkmercenarything”goingforhim,thoughIknewifhewasonoursecuritydetail,thenhewasstillonthegovernment’spayroll.
“Youabandonedme.”Thewordsslippedout.
Hearchedhisbrow.“Really.Iabandonedyou?Isthathowyourememberit?Twistingfacts.Guessyoureallyareapoliticiannow,justlikeDaddywanted.”
“Youdisappeared!”Icameoffthedeskinaflurryofyears-oldanger.“Notoneletter!Email!Yoursocialmedia?Erased.Yourphone?Disconnected!”MyfurycarriedmeacrosstheroomuntilIwasbarefoottobootwithhim,glaringupatthefacethathadhauntedmydreamsandafewofmynightmares.“Youvanished!”Theyearsofnotknowing,ofwonderingifhewassafe,orhurt—orworse—eruptedineveryword.“DoyouhaveanyideahowhardIlookedforyou?IwenttoPeruasweplanned.Borneotoo.Bythenextyear,Igotthepoint.”
Aflashofsomething—regret?—flickeredacrosshisfeatures,butitwasgoneaheartbeatlater.“Thisisgettingusnowhere.”Hesidesteppedandwalkedawayfromme,headedforthefrontdoor.“Youdidn’tevenlockthedamnedthing.”Hethrewthedeadboltandturned,leaningbackagainstthedoor.“You’resupposedtobeinsomeglitzyofficeatthatlawfirminNewYork,soI’llaskagain.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Makingadifference.Ibelievethat’swhatsomeonesuggested.”Ipaddedacrossthesoftcarpettothekitchenetteandpulledouttwobottlesofwater.“Wantone?”EvenaspissedasIwas,myfirstinstinctwastocareabouthim.God,Iwaspathetic
“Sure.Thankyou,”heanswered,hisvoicesoftening.“Andthis”—hegesturedtothesuite—“wasnotwhatIhadinmindwhenImadethatsuggestion.”HecaughtthebottleIhurledhisway.“Butit’sdefinitelywhatyourparentshadinmind,isn’tit?”
Ishruggedandopenedthewater.“It’swhereIlanded.”Itookadrink,hopingitmightdislodgetheboulderinmythroat.“Whatareyoumorepissedat,Nate?ThefactthatI’mnotwhereyouleftme?OrthefactthatI’mmeetingtheversionofyouthatyouneverwantedmetosee?”
“Itisn’tsafeforyoutobehere.”Herolledthebottlebetweenhishands,clearlyignoringthequestion.“Thecountryisunstableashell.”
Icockedmyheadathim.“Butthat’swhyyou’rehere,right?Tokeeppeoplelikemesafe?Isthatwhatyoudonow?Whereyou’vebeenforthepastthreeyears?”
Hisjawticked.“Ican’ttellyouwhereI’vebeenforthelastthreeyears.Rulesofthegamehaven’tchanged—they’vejustgottenmorerestrictive.”Hetwistedthebottleopenanddrankhalfofitdown.
Alltheseyearsandhestillwouldn’topenup.Guesshisworldhadn’tchangedthatmuch,butminehad.“Fine,ifyou’renotheretoexplainwhathappenedinNewYork,andI’mnotgoingtotakeyoursuggestionandleave,thenwhyexactlyareyouinmyroom?”
“I’mnotsupposedtobehere.”
“Noshit.IhighlydoubtHolt’ssecuritydetailisinhisroomdrinkingfromhisminibar.”
“That’snotwhatImean.”ThecornersofNate’smouthturnedup,butitwasn’tquiteasmile,soatleastIdidn’thavetodealwiththatdimpleofhismakinganappearance.
NothingknockedoffafewIQpointslikethesightofthatdimple.
“Please,dostopspeakinginarmy-guycodes.”Mygazenarrowedslightly.“Assumingthatyou’restillarmy?”They’dtolduswe’dhaveSpecialForcesasoursecurity,buttherewasablack-and-whitenametapeontheleftsideofhischestthatreadGreen,notPhelan
Nomatterwhatnamehewasusing,hestilllookedsodamnedgood.Someonehadn’tbeenskippingthegym.
Stopit.
WhatwasitaboutbeinginthesameroomwithNathanielPhelanthatmademerevertbacktoeighteenyearsold?
“Yeah,I’mstillinthearmy.Justthepartthatnoonetalksabout,”heansweredslowly,raisinghiseyebrows.“Andasformyphone,myemail,mysocialmedia…itwasallsanitized.”
“Okaythen.”Atinykernelofsomethinglikehopetookrootinmystomachatthesmallbutopenlyofferedtruth.“Andthat’swhyyoudon’t…existanymore.”Thedaysandmonthsfollowinghisdisappearancehadbeenmaddening,butpartofmehadalwaysknownwhyhe’dfallenoffthefaceoftheearth.Thishadalwaysbeenhisdream.
Makinghisobsoletehadbecomemine.
Henodded.
“AndGreen?”Imotionedtohisnametag.“Isthatyourcallsignorwhatever?”
“No.These”—hepointedtothenametag—“areforyouguys,notus.It’swhatyouneedtocallme—ifIstay.ItoldyouI’mnotsupposedtobehere.”Heglancedtowardthewindowandthenback,asifmeetingmyeyeswassomething…painful.
“Whereareyousupposedtobe?”Wastheresomeoneelseinhislifenow?Someonewhohadtherighttoknowifhemadeithome?Someonewaiting?Anauseatingtwistofjealousystruckdeepinsideme,souringmystomach.
“OnleaveintheMaldives.”Hehadthedecencytolookalittleguilty.
Iblinked.“YouweregoingtotheMaldives?”Indignationheatedmyblood.“Funny,butIthoughtthatwasanOctoberthing.”Didourpactmeanabsolutelynothingtohim?Ofcourseitdidn’t.He’dblatantlyshownmethatforthelastthreeyears.
“Yeah.”Heflinched.“ButSergeantBrowncamedownwithsomething,soIfilledinforhim.”
“Letmeguess.SergeantBrownisn’thisrealnameeither?”
“Justrollwithit.”Hefinishedoffhiswaterandtwistedthetopbackon.“Pointis,youwalkedoffthatplane.”
“And?”Ishruggedandforcedafakesmile.“YoucanstillgototheMaldives.Justassignmetosomeoneelse.”Itsoundedemptyandfakebecauseitwas.Itdidn’tmatterhowpissedIwasatNate,howwrongthingshadgonethelasttimewe’dbeeninthesameroom;Icouldn’tbearthethoughtofhimwalkingaway.Notagain.Notlikethis.
“Yeah,okay.”Hegaveaself-deprecatinglaughandsentmeapointedstare.“Becauseit’sthateasy.”
Myheartstumbledthroughitsnextfewbeats.Theairthickenedandchargedaswestoodthere,oureyeslockedoneachotheracrossthesmall,mine-ladendistancebetweenus.Onewrongstepandwe’dbothbleedout.
“Iknow,”Iadmittedsoftly.“It’snoteasy.Neverhasbeen.”
Henoddedcurtlyandlookedaway,breakingthespell.
Isuckedinabreath.
“Idon’tgetit.You’reabouttospendtwoweeksinsomeofthemostinhospitableareasknowntoman,hoppingprovincetoprovince,allsoyoucanwhat?Feelbetterabouthownotstablethiscountryisandlabelitfact-finding?”
Myspinejerkedramrodstiff.“We’reheretowritedownourobservationsabouthowthedrawdownisgoing,andyouknowit.”
“Andyouwon’tgohome?”Hiseyesmetmine,thepleablatant.
“No.”Iswallowedbackthetruthonthetipofmytongue.IfheknewwhyIwasreallyhere,wouldhehelp?Orthrowmeoutfaster?“I’lldothetourSenatorLaurenrequestedandthenmeetherwhenshearrivesnextweek.Andnooneissupposedtoknow—”
“You’rehere.Yeah,Igetthatalot.”Herakedhishandoverhisthick,darkhairandblewoutaslowbreath.
Ifelthissighineveryboneofmybody,untilitbecamemyown.
“Fine.Thenthisishowit’sgoingtogo.”Hepushedoffthedoorandchuckedthebottleintothetrashwithexcellentaim.“I’mSergeantGreentoyou.NotNate.YoucannevercallmeNate.Notoutthere.Notinhere.Notanywhere.Gotit?”
“Ifyouinsist.”Ihadtotiltmyheadbacktokeepeyecontactashecamecloser—whetheritwasthefactthatIwasbarefootandhewasinboots,orjustbeingapartforthreeyears,theguyfelthugenexttome.
“Iinsist.Anonymityisarequirementinthislineofwork.Inhere,youcanbeasbelligerentand…”Hestruggledforaword.“Izzyasyouwant,butoutthere”—hepointedtothedoor—“outthereyoulistentowhatIsay,anddowhatIaskwhenIaskit.”
“Nate—”Icringed.Shit,Iwasnevergoingtogetthisright.
Hearchedasinglebrowatme.“As.Soon.As.I.Say.It.”
“Haveyoualwaysbeenapainintheass?”Ifiredback.
“That’sprettyfunny,comingfromyou.”
Irolledmyeyesandfoldedmyarmsacrossmychest.
Heglanceddownandwinced,jerkinghisfocustoaspotovermyheadashetookanotherdeepbreath.“I’llbeatallyourmeetings,yourmeals,andtheonewhostandsoutsidethedoorwhenyoupee.”
“That’sgraphic.”
“Ifyouneedme,Iwillbeacrossthehalltonightandeveryothernightthatyou’reinAfghanistan.Ifyourlifeisatrisk,pressthisbutton.”Hepushedaremotethesizeofmythumbintomyhandandletitsblacknylonnecklacehangloose.“AndIwillappear.”
Ilookeddownatthedeviceandhuffedasarcasticlaugh.“Sothisiswhatittakestogetyourphonenumber?Agirlhastohaulherselfintoawarzone?”
“Izzy,”hewhispered,steppingbackandputtingafewfeetofdistancebetweenus.
“Ohno.”Ipocketedthemagic-buttonremote.“IfIcan’tcallyouNate,thenyoudon’tgettocallmeIzzy.Fairisfair.”
“Well,I’mnotcallingyouIsa,that’sfordamnsure,”heshotback.“I’mnotyourfather.”
Myfather.BecauseheknewthathadbeenDad’spetnameforme.Heknewallsortsofthingsheshouldn’tbecausehewasNateandIwasIzzy,andasscrewedupasthisplacewas,factswerefacts.Historywashistory.
“ThenMs.Astorwillbejustfine.”
“Thenhaveagreatevening,Ms.Astor.”Hegavemeamocksaluteandheadedforthedoor.“I’llbeherebrightandearlytofetchyouforourfirstdestination.”
Afterallthistime,thiswaswherewewere?Notquitestrangersorenemies,but…bitterwhat?Acquaintances?
“Soyou’restayingonmydetail?”Myvoicehitched,andheheardit,pausingmidstepbeforeturningtofaceme.
“Youwon’tleave,whichmeansneithercanI.Simplephysics.”Hisgazenarrowed.“Butyouweren’tsupposedtobehere,either,wereyou?GregNewcastleissupposedtobeinthisroom.”
Ifelttheblooddrainfrommyface.“Youcanassignmetosomeoneelse,”Iofferedagaininarush.
Heignoredme.“Sowhydidyougetontheplane?DidNewcastlegetsicktoo?”
Iswallowed.
“Huh.Notsick,then.Itwasyourchoice.”Hetiltedhishead.“WhydidyouaddKunduzandSamangantotheitinerary?Thoseweren’tonthelistbeforeyougotonthatplane.”Hestalkedforward.
Shit.Shit.Shit.
“Allofyourlittlefriendsarestickingtotheeast,andNewcastlewasfocusedonKandahar.Somethingaboutthegirls’chessteamSenatorLaurenhasbeenworkingtogetout.”
“Hey,thatwasactuallymyproject.I’mtheonewho’sbeencoordinatingeverything.Newcastlejustwantedthecredit.”
Hestoppedrightinfrontofme,staringdownlikehecouldseerightthroughmeifhetriedhardenough.“Andyetyouaddedtwoprovincestothenorth.”
“Nate,”Iwhispered,alreadybreakingtherules.
“Whataren’tyoutellingme?”
“I…”Ishookmyheadandclosedmyeyes.Icouldhaveliedtoanyoneelse,butnothim.
“Don’teventhinkoflyingtome.”Histhumbandforefingergentlyliftedmychin.“What’sgoingon?”
Iopenedmyeyesandmyheartclenched.Underallthatarmor,thiswasNate.MyNate.Hewouldhelp,Iknewhewould…aslongasIwasn’tputtingmyselfindanger.Thatwaswherehe’ddrawtheline.AndifhethoughtIwasalreadyindangerjustbeinghere,therewaseverychancehe’dtiemetotheseatofthenextoutboundaircraftonceItoldhimthetruth.
“What’sinthenorth,Isabeau?”Mynamewasnothingmorethanawhisper.
“Serena.”CHAPTERSIX
NATHANIEL
SaintLouis
November2011
Thewaterwasfreezing,shockingtheairfrommylungsaswestartedthefranticswimforshore.AtleastIthoughttheshorewasthisway.Thefogwasn’texactlydoingusanyfavors,andneitherwasthecurrent,draggingusdownstreamwiththerestofthepassengersaswefoughtourwaytowardthebank.
Thereactionsaroundusvariedfromstoictodownrighthysterical,andIdidwhatalwaysworkedformewhenshitwentdown—narrowedmyfocustoonegoal.Rightnow,thatgoalwaskeepingIsabeaualive.
“Youokay?”IaskedIzzy,onlylosingsightofherbetweenthewavesoftheMissouriastheplanesubmergedfullybehindus,arushofairbubblingupfromthefuselage.
Holyshit,thatjusthappened.
“Neverswaminshoesbefore,”sheansweredwithateeth-chatteringgruntandmoreofagrimacethanasmile.
“It’sadayforfirsts.”Iswamclosertoher,myheartthunderingaswefoughtforeveryfootagainstthecurrent
Offinthedistance,Iheardsomeonecryforhelp,andanotherpassengeranswered.Hopefullytheraftscouldpickupmoreofus,especiallytheoneswhocouldn’tswim,butIwasgratefulthatthepeoplearoundusallseemedtobeforgingforward.
Someofmypaniceasedwhentheshorecameintoviewthroughthefog,densewithtrees.“It’srightthere,”ItoldIzzy,keepingupwithher,strokeforsteadystroke.
“ThankGod.”Herfacecontortedandshegasped,butshekeptpushingforward
“What’swrong?”Mychesttightenedasthevisioninmylefteyewentredandblurry.Aquickswipeofmyforeheadcameawaybloody.Awesome.
“Otherthanthewholeplane-crashscenario?”Sheforcedasarcastic,staccatosmilethroughtheshivers.“I’mokay,justsomepaininmyribs.I’msureit’snothing.You’retheonebleeding.”
Andshewastheonewiththeblownpupils.I’dbeenknockedaroundenoughtoknowthesignsofaconcussion.
“Thebloodisprobablyjustbluster.Let’sgetyoutoshore.”Mystomachtwisted,andIgotthatsinkingfeelingthatsometimescameoverme,theonethattoldmetopayattention,thattherewasmoretowhateverwashappeningonthesurfaceofanygivensituation.I’dalwayshadgoodinstincts.TheyweretheonlyreasonI’dsurvivednineteenyearsundermyfather’sroof.
Aheadofus,afewofthepassengersdraggedothersupthebanktosafety.Thefatherandsonwereupstream,almosttherenow,butIcouldn’tseethemotherandbaby.
JustfocusonIzzy.
Myfeetfoundpurchaseontherockybank,andIimmediatelysweptmyarmacrossIzzy’sback,pullingheragainstmeuntilshecouldreachthebottom.ItwasanactofGodthatwe’dfoundaportionoftheriverwithaslopedshore.Thenagain,justabouteverythingabouttodaywasmiraculous.
Carefulofherribs,Ipulledusuptheembankment,andthenthetwo-footrisetothewoodedarea.Wherethehellwerewe?
“Help!”akidscreamedfrombehindus
Ilookedovermyshouldertoseeoneofthewomenrushingforwardfromshoretopullakidinaninflatableyellowlifejacket.
“Thankyou.”IzzyshotmeawaterysmileasIsatheratthebaseofthenearesttree.“Icanhelp,”sheargued,herhandcradlingtheleftsideofherribcage.
Ihitmykneesbesideher,prayingthebluishtingetoherlipswasjustcold.“CanIsee?”Iasked,reachingforhervest.
Shenodded,waterdropletsstreamingdownherfaceasherheadfellbackagainstthetree.
Withnumbfingers,Isomehowmanagedtounziphervestandliftthesideofhershirt.ThenImutteredacurse.“There’snoblood,butit’sahellofacontusion.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifyoubroketheribs.”
“Thatwouldexplainthepain.IthinkIdidsomethingtomyshouldertoo.”Shebrushedherhandovermyforeheadandintomyhair.“Youhaveanastycutjustbeneathyourhairline.”
“That’sokay.Itwilljustincreasemyappeal.Chicksdigscars,youknow.”Istudiedherblownpupils,whichwereconsumingwaytoomuchofthosebeautifulbrowneyes.
“Help!”someoneelseshouted.
Izzylurchedforward.
“Nope.Youstayrighthere.”Ileveledmybeststareonher.“Imeanit.Right.Here.I’llberightback.”
“Just…don’tdie.”Shefellbackagainstthetree.
“Notplanningonit.”Ijumpeddownthebankandstartedhelpingpullothersup,andIcouldn’thelpbutsighinabsolutereliefwhenthemomandbabymadeittoshore.Ittookalloftenminutestogeteveryoneoutofthewater,withtheexceptionoftheraftsthathadfloatedfartherdownstream.
BythetimeImademywaythroughthestumbling,cryingcrowdofpassengersandgotbacktoIzzy,mymusclesshookwithcoldandtheaftereffectsoftheadrenaline.
“See?”Sheliftedherrighthandandgiftedmewithawan,shiveringsmile.“Stillrightwhereyouleftme.”
“Good.I’mnotinanyconditiontochaseyou.”Isatdownbesideherandpulledherundermyarm,tuckingheruninjuredsideagainstme.Thevisibilitywasimproving,andIcouldevenseehalfwayacrosstherivernow.“Let’sgetyouwarm.”
“Wesurvivedaplanecrash.”Sheleanedin,restingherheadinthatsweetspotrightabovemyheart.
Thebeatofmypulsechanged,slowing,steadying.
“Wesurvivedaplanecrash,”Irepeated,cuppingthesideofherfacewithmyhandandbendingmyheadtowardhers.“Nowallwehavetodoiswaitforrescue.”
“Wecan’tbethatfarfromtheairport.They’llbeheresoon.”
“Yeah.”Otherpassengerssatdownnearus,allinvariousstatesofshockfromcryingsoftly,tocryingloudly,to…notcryingatall,juststaringstraightahead.
“Justthink.Ifthiswasabook,we’dbeinthemiddleoftheAlaskanwilderness,orthelonesurvivors,forcedtoshareanabandonedcabin.”
Alaughrumbledupthroughmychest,despite…well,everything.“Don’tforget,itwouldbeconvenientlystockedwithallthesupplieswe’dneed.”
Whatthehellwaswrongwithme?I’djusttakenmyfirstplanerideandsurvivedmyfirstplanecrash,andyethereIwas,makingjokeswithawomanI’djustmet,curledupwithherlikewe’dknowneachotherforyears.
Shesnortedwhenshelaughed,whichmademegrin,butthenshetensed,andmysmilefaded.“Idon’t…Idon’tfeelwell.”
Idroppedmyhandfromherfacetoherneck,findingherpulse,andmybrowfurrowed.Itwasgoingamileaminute.NotthatIhadanycluewhattodowiththatknowledge,butIfigureditcouldn’tbegood,notwiththepaleskin,concussion,andgeneralplane-crashissues.“Justholdsteady.They’llbehereanyminute.”Sirenssoundedinthedistance.“See?Ibetthat’sthem.Let’sjusthopethere’saroadaroundhere.”
“Areyoutired?”sheasked,leaningintome.“I’mjustreallytired.”
“Youneedtostayawake.”Feardrippeddownmyspine,colderthanmysoakedclothing.Whatweremoreofthoseicebreaker-questionthings?Ihadtokeephertalking.“IfyouhadtochoosebetweenpopcornandM&M’s,whichwoulditbe?”
“What?”
“PopcornorM&M’s?”Irepeated.
“Both.”
Interesting.“Ifyoucouldliveinanystate,whichonewoulditbe?”
Herheadbobbed.
“Izzy.Whichstate?”
“Maine.”
“Maine?”Isearchedforthesourceofthesirens,butnoluck.
“Nooneinmyfamilylivesthere,”shemumbled.“Noexpectations.”
Ilookedovermyshoulderandaroundthetreeasthesirensapproached.“Theyfoundus.”
Apolicecarcametoastop,andtheofficerjumpedout,speakingintohisradio.“We’regettinghelphere,folks!Ambulanceisfourminutesout!”
Thefatherofthelittleboyrushedforwardtothecop,hisson’sarmbentatanunnaturalangle,andseveralotherstookhislead.
Thatfeelinghitagain,likeananchoronmychest.“Izzy,what’syourbloodtype?”
“Opositive,”shemuttered.“Isthatyourideaofapickupline?”Herwordsslurred.
“Iwish,”Iwhispered.Notthataguylikemewould’veeverhadachancewithagirllikeher.Evenherbabblingreekedofclass.“Whataboutallergies?”
“What?”
“Whatareyouallergicto?”
Anothersetofsirenssoundedliketheywerecomingcloser.
“Shellfish.Whataboutyou?”
“I’mnotallergictoanything,”Ianswered.“Isthatit?Justshellfish?”
“Oh,um.Penicillin.”Shetiltedherheadbackandlookedupatmewithglazedeyes.“Wouldyoulikemymedicalhistorytoo?”
“Yes.”Inodded,andmyheartstartedtoracethecloserthesirenssounded.
ShelookedatmelikeIwastheoneslurringmywords.“IbrokemyarmoncewhenIwasseven.Butthatwasatrampolinething,andSerena—”Hereyesflutteredshut.
“Izzy!”Ishookhergently.“Wakeup.”
Hereyesflewopen.
“TellmemoreaboutSerena.”Istood,forcingmylegstowork,andliftedIzzyintomyarmsasthefirstoftwoambulancesarrived.“What’sshelike?”
“Perfect.”Shesighed,herheadfloppingagainstmychest.“She’sbeautiful,andsmart,andalwaysknowswhattosay.”
“Mustruninthefamily.”Ididn’tevenbotherwiththefirstambulance,whichwasalreadygettingmobbed,andheadedstraightforthesecond.
“Nate?”
“Hmm?”Istoodrightinthemiddleofwhateverpaththerewas,forcingtheambulancetostop.
“Don’tleaveme,okay?”sheasked,hervoicebarelyawhisperovertheblaringsirens.
“Iwon’t.”Theparamedicskilledthesirensandclimbedoutoftherig,andIlockedgazeswithoneofthem.“Ineedyoutohelpher!”
Shewentlimpinmyarms,hereyesclosing.
“Bringherback!”Theparamedicjoggedtothebackoftherigasthedoorsburstopenandsomeonebroughtdownastretcher.
“Putherhere,”theparamedicordered,andIlaidIzzyonthewhitesheets.“What’stheproblem?”Shejumpedin,pushingmeoutofthewaytostartherchecks.
“Shesaidherribshurt.”Irakedmyfingersthroughmyhair.“Andshehasahugebruisethere,andherpulseis—”
“Shit,”theparamedicwhispered,takingherpulseasanotheroneslappedabloodpressurecuffonher.
“—racing,”Ifinished.“Shestartedslurringherwords,and…”Damnit,whatelsehadshesaid?“Hershoulderhurt.Herleftshoulder.”
“She’shypotensive,”oneoftheparamedicsnoted,andthetwosharedalookthatcouldn’tbeconsideredgoodunderanycircumstance.“Wehavetogo.”
“What’shername?”oneaskedmeastwoofthemstrappedIzzytothegurneyandloadedherintotheambulance.
“Izzy,”Ianswered,fightingeveryurgetopushsomeoneasidesoIcouldclimbinnexttoher.“Isabeau…”Whatwasit?Whatthehellwasit?“Astor!She’sallergictopenicillin,andshe’sOpositive.”
Thedriverracedaroundmetogetbacktothewheel.
“Relativesonly,”theparamedicinbacksaid,alreadyhookingheruptosomething.“I’massumingyou’reher…”Heglancedup.
Don’tleaveme.
“Husband.”Imoved,climbingupintotheriginonestep.“I’mherhusband.”
Rupturedspleen.That’swhattheytoldmefourhoursago.
Fourverylonghours,inwhichallIdidafterchangingintoadrysetofscrubsandcallingmymothertoassureherIwasokaywastositinthiswaitingroomandalternatebetweenwatchingthemediacoverageofthecrashonanationalnetworkandthesecondhandtickbyonthelargeclockabovethedoor.
Oh,andcompletely,utterlyignoretheclipboardinfrontofme,becausehowwasIsupposedtoknowwhoherinsuranceproviderwas?
Becauseyousaidyouwereherhusband.
Thesurgerywasonlysupposedtotakeaboutninetyminutes,whichmademestartshiftingmyweightintheworld’smostuncomfortablechairabouttwohoursago.
WhatifI’dmadeitworsebypickingherup?OrwhenIpulledheroutoftheriver?
“You’resureIcan’tgetanythingelseforyou?”arepresentativefromtheairlineasked,concernandpanicinhereyes.Guesswewereallalittleoutofourdepthhere.She’dtakenournameswhenwe’dfirstarrived—I’dgivenherIzzy’s,andshe’dhoveredaroundthedozenorsoofuswho’dbeensenthereeversince.
Accordingtothenews,therewerepassengersatthreeofthelocalhospitals.
“I’mfine,”Iassuredher.Therehadn’tbeenmuchmoretodoformethantheelevenstitchesinmyforehead.
“Okay.”Hersmilewasanattemptatreassurance.“Oh,andarepresentativefromthearmysaidthey’dsendsomeonelocaltogetyou,butthatwasafewhoursago.”
Itensed.I’dpromisedIwouldn’tleaveher.
“Youare”—sheglancedatherclipboard—“NathanielPhelan,right?Theonewhowasheadedtobasictraining?”
Inodded,flippingmysoddenwalletoverinmyhand.“I’msureeveryonehastheirhandsfullrightnow.”
Shegavemeanawkwardshoulderpatandmovedtothenextpassengers,whileIwatchedtheclockforanothertenminutes.
“That’shim,”anursesaid,pointingtome,andmybrowsshotup,hopingitwouldbeadoctornexttoher,butitwasn’t.
ThewomanwasalittletallerthanIzzy,withlight-brownhairandworriedbrowneyes.Thefamilyresemblancewasunmistakable.
“You’reIzzy’shusband?”shesaid,chargingmywaylikeabullwho’dbeenshownred.
Istood.“Youmustbethesister.Serena,right?”
Shenodded,swattingasingletearoffherface.
“Sorry,”Iwhispered.“I’mjusttheguywhowassittingnexttoher.We’renotmarried.”
“Obviously,”shewhisperedback.“IthinkI’dknowifmybabysisterwasmarried.”
“IliedbecauseIpromisedIwouldn’tleaveher,andthenImayhave…forgedadocumentagreeingtothesurgery.”
Hereyesflewwide.“Surgery?AlltheytoldmewhenIshoweduptothereunificationsitewasthatshewashere.Ittookmeaboutanhourtorealizeitwasherflight,andthenI’vebeenrunningeverywhere.”Sheclosedhereyesandtookashudderingbreath,reopeningthemwhenitseemedshehadsomecontrol.“Tellmewhatsurgery.”
Igesturedtothechairnexttomine,andwebothsat.“Sherupturedherspleeninthecrashandbroketworibs,alongwithgettingaconcussion.Shewasbleedinginternally.”
Shenodded,absorbingtheinformationwithacalmIrespected.“Okay.Andyousignedforthesurgery?”
“Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”Ihandedhertheclipboard.“I’mhopingyou’llknowmostofthat.”
“Icandothis.”Shestaredattheformsliketheywereinaforeignlanguage.“Doyouthinkshe’llbeokay?”
“Ihopeso.ShewasconsciousrightupuntilIhandedhertotheparamedics.”Iresumedflippingmywalletinmyhandandwatchingtheclock.
“OhGod,she’sallergicto—”
“Penicillin,”Ifinishedforher.“Shetoldme.Theyknow.”
Shesatbackinthechairandstaredatthedoor,theonethesurgeonshadbeencominginandoutofthelastfewhours.“Luckyshewassittingnexttoyou.”
“I’mnotsureI’dcallanythingabouttodaylucky,exceptthatwe’resomehowalive.”
“That’stheluckiestyoucanbe.”
Thedoortotheleftswungopen,andtwouniformedmenwalkedinwearingcamouflage.Mystomachhittheground.
“NathanielPhelan?”oneofthemasked,scouringtheroom.
“That’sme.”Iliftedahandandstood.
“Hellofadayyou’rehaving.Areyouclearedbymedicaltoleave?”oneofthemasked.
Inodded.“Justneededstitches.”
“Good.Let’sgetyououtofhere.”Hemotionedtothedoor.
Pickinguptheclearbagofmypersonalitems,Iwalkedovertothem.“Isthereanywaywecanwait?ThewomanIwassittingnexttoisinsurgery.”
Theysharedalook,andIknewitwasn’tgoingtogomyway.“Issheyourwife?”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.
“Mother?Sister?Daughter?”theotherasked.
“No.I’mjustworriedabouther.”
Sympathyknithisbrow.“I’msorry,butwe’retaskedwithgettingyououtofhere,andifshe’snotnextofkinorabloodrelative,wereallyneedtogo.Ordersareorders.”
Mychesttightened,andInodded.“Onesecond.”SerenawasstillfillingoutformswhenIreachedher.“Ihavetogo.”
Shelookedupatme,hereyesashadelighterthanIzzy’s.“Thankyoufortakingcareofher.”
“Just…”Ishookmyhead.Fuckmylife,Icouldn’tevenaskhertocallandtellmeifshemadeitoutallright.“JusttellherthatIdidn’twanttogo,butordersareorders.”
“Iwill.Thankyou.”Shereachedoutandtookmyhand,squeezingit.“Thankyou.Ican’tsaythatenough.”
“Nothingtothankmefor.”Takingadeepbreath,Iwalkedbacktowardthesoldiers,thenfollowedthemout.
Isabeauwouldbeokay.Shehadtobe.Irefusedtobelievethatfate,orGod,orthecosmicenergyoftheuniversewouldmakehergothroughallofthatandnotcomeoutofitalive.
ButIwouldneverknow.
“Wecangetyouonanotherflight,orabusifyou’renot…youknow…keenonflyingatthemoment.OrI’msurethey’llgiveyouawaiver,andletyoupostponebasic,”oneofthesoldierssaidaswemadeourwayoutofthehospital.
“No.”Igrippedmybagharder.EverythingIownedwasnowinit,andIhadabsolutelynothingtogohometo.“No,I’mreadynow.”CHAPTERSEVEN
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“Changeyourmind,”IorderedIzzywhensheopenedherdoorthenextmorning.Fine,maybeitwasmorepleathanorder.Sleepinghadn’tbeenanissueformeinyears,butI’dtossedandturnedallnightaftershetoldmewhyshewasreallyhere.
Searchingforhersisterwasgoingtogetherkilled.EverystepIzzytookoutsidethisembassywasacalculatedrisk,andwe’dpreparedsecurityforherpreciseitinerary,notforhuntinganeedleinahaystack.Americanphotojournalistsmadeexcellentpropagandatargetsfortheenemyaroundhere,andwiththecountrydestabilizing,theoddsoffindingSerenainthewindowofIzzy’svisitweregrim.
“Goodmorningtoyoutoo.”IzzycockedaneyebrowatmeandheldopenherdoorsoIcouldenter.“Givemeaboutthreeminutes,andI’llbeready.”
“Readytochangeyourmind?”Fuckme,shesmelledgood.ThescentwasstraightoutofeverydreamI’dhadoverthelastdecade.
“No.”Shebuttonedwhatlookedtobealinenblazeruptoherthroatandpackedascarfinhertotebagwithapairofoverearheadphones.“Readytogetonthehelicopter.IsMayhewready?”
“Alreadydownstairs.”ThejunioraidewassomucheasiertodealwiththanIzzy,butthenagain,I’dneverbeeninlovewithhim,sothatprobablyinfluencedmyopinion.
“Iseeyou’redressedforafuneralagain.”Sheeyedmyall-blackcombatgear.
“Aslongasitisn’tyours.Tellmesomething.Whatexactlywasyourplancominghere?”Ileanedbackagainstherdoor.
SheglanceddownatmyM4.“Youreallyhavetocarrythateverywhere?”
“Yes.”Ididn’tbothertotellherabouteveryotherweaponIhadstrappedtome.“Nowwhatwasyourplan,Isabeau?JustshowuphereandstartcallingoutSerena’sname?”
Ablushroseuphercheeksassheshoulderedthetoteandfacedme,liftingthatstubbornchinofhers.“Something…likethat.”
Iletmyheadfallbackagainstthedoorforaheartbeat.“I’vealwaysknownyouwoulddoanythingforher—you’ddoanythingforeachother—butthisisludicrous.Howlonghasshebeenincountry?”
“Fivemonths.Shewasofferedtheopportunitytoendherassignmentearlywhentherather”—shewinced—“abrupthandoverofBagramindicatedalarger…”Izzysearchedfortherightwords.
“Shitshowwasabouttogodown?”Isupplied.“Becausethat’swhat’shappening.”
“Withdrawalwasnevergoingtobepretty.”Herchinliftedagoodthreeinches.“Ijustdidn’tthinkSerenawouldbestubbornenoughtostay,especiallyaftertheembassystaffwasreducedbackinApril.Butshe’s…”Izzyshrugged.
“Serena.”
Izzynodded.“IfIcanjustfindher,Icantalksomesenseintoherandgetheroutofhere.”
“Dotheothermembersofyourdelegationknowwhatyou’reupto?”
“No.”ShegrippedthestrapsofherbagsotightIhalfexpectedthemtostartscreaming.“AndIknowyouaren’tgoingtotellthemeither.”
Ipushedoffthedoorandflatoutinvadedherspace.“Andwhatmakesyouthinkthat?”
Shelookedaway,andherthroatworkedbeforeshedraggedhergazebacktomeetmine.“Becauseyouoweme.”
“I.Owe.You?”Myeyebrowsrose.Apparently,sherememberedNewYorkalittledifferentlythanIdid.
“Afterleavingmein—”Sheclosedhereyesandblewoutaslowbreaththroughpuckeredlipsthatclaimedeveryounceofmyattention.
Mystomachdrewtight,rememberingexactlyhowsoftthoselipsfeltundermine,againstmyskin.
“Youoweme,”shesaid,straighteninghershoulders,ourgazescolliding.“Besides,I’vealreadyputfeelersoutatherpaperandnarrowedittothosetwoprovinces,without,youknow…advertisingthatI’dbeherewithacongressionaldelegation.She’saphotojournalistfortheTimes.Shecan’tjustdisappear,Nate.”Shewinced.“Imean,SergeantGreen.”
“Peopledisappearhereallthetime.”
“Well,notSerena.”Sheshrugged,likeherstatementcouldsomehowgiveheroldersisteralayerofimpossibleprotectionthatsimplydidn’texisthere.
“Andyou’rewillingtobetyourlifeonit?”Iwasn’t.AsmuchasIcaredforSerenaandeverythingshemeanttoIzzy,myprioritieswereclearasfuckingday.
“It’snotgoingtocometothat.”Izzyshookherhead.“Webothknowthatassecretaswe’dlikethisfact-findingmissiontobe,itisn’t.SerenawillknowI’mhere.She’llfindus,andwe’llputheronthehelicopter,andI’llbringherhomewithme.”
Disbeliefmixedwithaheavydoseofangerracedthroughmyveins,andItookastepbackward.“You’reusingyourselfasbait?”
Hereyesnarrowed.“Pleasedon’tpretendthatyou’reconcernedaboutmywelfare.”
“Yourwelfarehasbeenmyconcernforthelasttenfuckingyears!”Isnapped,immediatelyregrettingtheslip.Damnit,thiswomanpushedmetotheedgefasterthananyoneontheplanet.
SilencestretchedbetweenusasIfoughttolevelmyhead.
“Let’sgo.”Iturnedaroundandwalkedoutoftheroom,holdingthedoorsoshecouldwalkthroughfirst.
Tensionradiatedbetweenusaswewalkeddownthestepsandintothelobby.
“Isa!”KaceyPierce,oneofSenatorLauren’sjunioraides,racedoverfromoneoftheglassed-inconferencerooms,notebookinhand.“Isthereanythingelseyouneedmeonwhileyou’regone?”
Izzyadjustedhertotebag,lookingoverthelistthatKaceyshovedather.“Ithinkthisjustaboutcoversit.”
Imovedcloserandleanedin,puttingmylipsdangerouslyclosetoherear.“AskhertopullthelatestcorrespondencefromanyAmericanjournalistswithaccompanyingpictures,andhavethemprintedforwhenwegetback.”
Izzyturnedherheadsoquickly,hergazewhippingtomine,thatIbarelyhadamillisecondtodrawbackbeforetheentirelobbywouldhavebeenspectatorstoacrossedline.“You’rehelping?”
“It’sjustasuggestion.”Blatantlyretreating,IwaitedbythedoorasIzzygaveherorderstothejunioraide.Hadtoadmit,leadershiplookedreallydamngoodonher.
Wemadeourwaytotheconvoy,wheremyteamalreadywaited.SheprotestedwhenItookherbagfromherandtosseditonthefloorofthearmoredvehicle,thendrewoutaKevlarvest.
“Armsout.”
“Thisisridiculous.”Sheputherarmsout,andIslippedthevestoverherheadandthepracticalfrenchbraidshe’dwovenherblondestrandsintothismorning.
“Soisyoubeinghere,butatleastthiswillstopbullets.”IbroughtthestrapsfromthebackofthevestunderherarmsandsecuredthemtothefrontwithasmuchprofessionalismasIcouldmuster.
“It’sheavy.”
“Beingshotisworse.”IreachedintothevehicleandbroughtoutaKevlarhelmet.
Sheglaredatme.“Seriously?”
“They’renottoobad!”Mayhew,theotherjunioraide,calledoutfrominside.
“Nopreferentialtreatment.”IshruggedatIzzy.“Putiton,oryoustayhere.”Shewasn’tgettingshotintheheadonmywatch.
Sheshoveditontoherhead,thenclimbedinnexttoMayhew,andItookthefrontpassengerseatjustlikeyesterday,whiletherestoftheteamfiledin.
Withinmoments,werolledthroughtheembassygates,headingtowardthefieldjustdowntheroadwherethehelicopterswerestaged.
Wepassedthroughabarbedwiregateandontothefield,wheresixBlackhawkswereallinvariousstagesofrun-up.TakingherintoblatantdangerwentagainsteveryinstinctIhad,butIknewshe’djustgowithoutmeifIrefusedher,whichmeantIgotoutofthecarandopenedherdoor.She’dmanagedtheseatbeltjustfinebyherselfthistime.
“Isthisa…soccerfield?”Izzyaskedasshesteppedoutofthecar.
“Yep,”IansweredasGrahamcamearoundthecar,Torresnotfarbehind.
“Whichoneisours?”Izzyasked.
“We’retakingthefronttwo.”
“Two?”Sheshotaconfusedlookmyway.
“Yeah.”Inodded.“Wetravelintwoincasesomethinghappens,likeonegettingshotdown.”
Hereyesflared.
“Black,Rose,andfourgruntsareinthesecondaircraft,”Grahamsaid,movingoutofthewaywhenHoltstumbledoutofthecarafterMayhew.
“It’ssodamnedhot,”Holtmuttered,rollinghisneckasKellmanrolledhiseyesbehindhim.
“Thatworksforme.We’lltakethefirstone,”ItoldGrahambeforeturningtoKellman.“Goodluckwiththatonetoday.”IcrackedasmileasHoltwipedthesweatfromthebackofhisneck.
“Ishouldsaythesamethingtoyou.”HeshotapoignantlookatIzzy,whostoodlookingattheBlackhawkswithwideeyesbeforecramminghersunglassesonherface.“Lookslikeyou’vegotaknuckler.”
Fuckity,fuck,fuck.Whatwasshethinking?
Iwalkedovertoher,dustcoatingmyboots,andtookherelbow,leaningdownsoshecouldhearmeoverthehigh-pitchedwhineoftheengines.“I’mguessingyounevergotoveryourfearofflying?”
“I’mfine.”Sheyankedherelbowoutofmygrip.“I’llbe…fine.”
“They’renotbig,cushyplaneswhereyoucanputyourheadphonesonandpretendyou’resomewhereelse,”Iwarnedherasweheadedforthefirsthelicopter.
“I’llmanage,”sheshouted,glaringoverhershoulderatmeasshesteppedupintothebirdI’dledusto,walkingpastthedoorgunner.
“Thisshouldbefun,”Torressaidwithagrin.
Irolledmyeyesandclimbedin.
TheBlackhawkwassetuptocarrytroops,andItooktheseatdirectlyagainstoneofthepilot’sbacks,facingIzzy.Thepilottwistedinherseat,handingmeaheadset.Inoddedmythanks,fitteditaroundmyhelmet,andturnediton,butIkeptthemicmuted.
IzzystrappedherselfinwithsurprisingefficiencyandtookoutheroverearheadphonesfromashoulderbagthatlookedlikeitcostmorethanImadeinamonth,lookingatthemwithdismay.
Yeah,thoseweren’tgoingtoworkwithherhelmet,andputtingherthroughaflightwithoutmusicwas…unfathomabletome,atortureIwasn’twillingtoimposeonher.
Shedroppedtheheadphonesintoherbagandstaredoutthewindowlikenothingwaswrong,butherbackwasramrodstraight,herlipspressedbetweenherteeth,andshewhite-knuckledtheseataswelaunched.
Hergazemetmineaswelefttheground,andjustlikethat,weweren’tintheBlackhawk.Wewerestaringintoeachother’seyes,ourhandsclingingasflight826plummetedintotheMissouri.
Sheslammedhereyesshut,andIunhookedmybelt,adjustedmyrifle,andpulledmyAirPodsoutofacargopocketonmyKevlar.ThenImoved,kneelinginfrontofher.
Atouchofherkneehadhereyesflyingopenandlockingwithmine.Mychesttightenedatthefearinthosebrowndepths.Sheblinkedquickly,tryingtomaskit,butshe’dneverbeenabletohideanythingfromme.
Reachingup,IslippedmyAirPodsintoherears,thensatbackinmyseat,awareofhergazetrackingmyeverymoveassheadjustedthefit.
Theaircraftwasnearlyfull,andyetitmightaswellhavebeenonlythetwoofusasIpulledoutmyphone—disconnectedfromservice,butnotthemusicIkeptdownloaded—andscrolledthroughmylibrary.
Itappedon“NorthernDownpour,”andoureyeslockedasthehelicopterroseaboveKabul,headingtowardJBAD.
Herlipsparted,andthewayshelookedatme…shit,itmayaswellhavebeen2011,or2014,oranyoftheotheryearsfatehadthrownustogether.Itwasoneofherfavoritesongs,whichwasoneoftheonlythingswehadincommon.Theshakybreathshedrew,hercheststuttering,nearlyunraveledme.
Tosithere,toseeherandnottouchher,notdemandtoknowwhoseringwasonherfinger,wasahellIwasn’tsureIcouldlivethrough,andyet,I’dendureitwithoutfalteringifitmeantI’dgettoseeheronelasttime.
Afterall,shewas…Isabeau.
Shemouthedalongwiththelyrics,thenrippedhergazeaway,staringatherknees.
Ileanedforwardandhandedhermyphonesoshecouldpickwhatevershewantedtolistento,thensatbackandpulledoutthepaperbackofTheColorPurpleI’dkeptinthecargopocketofmypantsforthelastfewweeksandbegantoread.
Theembassywasbustlingwithtensionandatouchofchaoswhenwereturnedlaterthatevening.
Izzy’smeetingwithleadershipinJalalabadhadbeenonlyanhour,maybeless,butwhatshe’dheardhadn’teasedhertensionormine.Therewasanatmosphereofdesperation,yetresolve,andIhopedthelatterwonoutagainsttheformer.
Thenewswe’dreceivedoncewe’dgottenbacktothebirdafewhoursagohadonlyconfirmedwhateveryoneknew—thecountrywasdestabilizing.Zaranj,inthesouthernNimruzProvince,hadfallentotheTalibantoday.
Expected,yet…disappointing.
“AndthesearethelastarticlesfromAmericanjournalistsincountry,”KaceysaidafterfillingIzzyinontheday,shovingamanilafolderatheraswetrudgedupthestairstoherroom.
“Perfect.Thankyou.I’mgoingtoshoweroffthedust,andthenI’llbedownfordinner,”Izzysaid,leavingKaceyatherbedroomdoorbeforeshuttingit.
InoddedatKaceyandthenturnedmybackonIzzy’sdoorlikeIwasstandingguard.
Afterthirtyseconds,Itriedthehandle,anditopened.“Damnit,Izzy,can’tyoulockit?”Isnapped,shuttingitbehindmeandthrowingthedeadbolt
“Iknewyou’dfollowmein,”shesaidfromherbedroom,kickingoffhershoesinthedoorway.“Folderisonthetable.”
Ipickeditupandthumbedthroughthelatestarticles.“Theyshouldn’tevenbehere,”Imuttered,checkingthebylinesforSerena’sname.“Americanshavebeenwarnedtogetthehelloutformonths.”
“YouknowSerena,”Izzysaid,shruggingoffherblazerandthenthrowingitontoherbed.Couldn’tblameherforwantingitoff.Ithadbeenhotashelloutthere.Shewalkedoverinjustherdresspantsandlace-trimmedcamisole.
Nope,notlookingatthewayherbreastsroseagainstthefabric.
Thatwaylaymadness.
“IdoknowSerena.”IshookmyheadwhenIreachedthelastofthearticles.“Shedidn’tfiletoday,oryesterday,andlastweek’sdidn’tgiveapreciselocation.We’llhavetocheckeverydayuntilweseehername.”
Izzy’seyeswidened,andthecornersofhermouthtiltedupintoasmilethatmademypulsequicken.“Youreallyaregoingtohelpme,aren’tyou,Nate?”
God,thatsmile,thoseeyes…
“Yeah.Iwantyououtofhereasfastasfuckingpossible,”Isaid,gesturingtoherring.“AndIbethedoestoo.”
HersharpinhaletoldmeI’dcrossedaline,butIdidn’tcare.Thatwasallweweretogether:onegiant,crossedlinethatneitherofusbelongedontheothersideof.
Iputthefolderonthetableandgotthehelloutofthere.CHAPTEREIGHT
IZZY
SaintLouis
November2011
“Okay,ImanagedtoscroungeupTwix,Butterfinger,andoneverysketchybagofSunChips,”Serenasaidasshewalkedintomydimhospitalroom,carryingherloot.“Thevendingmachineisprettyslimpickingsoutthere.”Shedidadoubletakeatthetelevisionandsnatchedtheremoteoffmybed.“Watchingthatisn’tgoingtohelp.”
Ilungedfortheremoteandwincedwhenshedancedoutofmyreach.“Crap.”Fallingbackagainstthebed,Ibreathedthroughthepainthatengulfedmyentireleftside.
“Shit,I’msorry,Iz.”Serenagrimacedandhandedbacktheremote,thensatinthearmchairnexttomybedthatshe’doccupiedeversinceI’dwokenupthismorning,thoughshe’dtoldmeshe’dbeensittingtheresincelastnight.Twobrokenribsandarupturedspleenhaddoneanumberonmybloodsupply,butacoupleoftransfusionslater…well,atleastIwasn’tdead.
Thankstohim.
Noneofushaddiedinthecrash,whichwasamiracle,consideringthefootage
“I’mjusthopingthatwatchingthefootagewillhelpclearmymemoryup,”Itoldher,adjustingtositupalittlestraighterandimmediatelyregrettingthedecision.“God,ithurts.”
“Thenpushthelittleclickerthing.”Sheleanedoverandputthepain-medpumpinmyhand.“Youjusthadsurgeryyesterday—oh,andaplanecrash.Giveyourselfalittlebreakandclickity-click.”
“That’snotgoingtohelp.It’sonlygoingtofogupmyheadmoreandputmetosleep.”Iwatchedyetanotherreplayofhomevideofootageofthecrash,shotbyafishermanwho’dbeenontheMissouri.Itwas…horrifying.
We’dcomeoutofnowhere,aroaringmissilethroughthemist,barelymissedthatman’sboat,andrammedthewater.
“Yousureyouwanttoremembereverything?”Serenaaskedsoftly,handingmetheTwix,myfavorite.
Itoreopenthepackageandthensankmyteethintothesweetcaramelgoodness,thinkingasIchewedandswallowed.“It’smostlythestuffaftergettingoutoftheriverthat’smissing.Irememberthetakeoff,themomentIrealizedweweregoingtocrash,andeventhefrenzytogetoutoftheplane.Thewaterwassocold…”Ishookmyhead.“Ijustcan’trememberhisname.”
Everythingelsewasrightthere—theconcerninhiseyes,thefeelofhishandspullingmeupthebank.He’dkeptmebreathingandlaughing,andthencarriedmetotheambulance,accordingtowhatthenurseshadtoldme.
Iwouldhavebledoutinternallyunderthattreeifhehadn’t.
“I’msorry.”Serenasighed,tearingintothechips.“IwishIremembered,butIwasinsuchapanicthatIdidn’tpayattention.”HergazedartedsidewaysatmeasIwatchedthecoverageofourrescue—thoughIwaslonggonebythetimenewscrewshadshownup.“Hewasahottie,though,Icansaythatmuch.”
“Irememberwhathelookslike.”Irolledmyeyes.Andwhathewasreading,andthathe’dgrownuponafarmandwasjoiningthearmyforcollegemoney.Itwasjusthisnamethateludedme,andprettymucheverythingaftersittingagainstthetree.
“Andhecaredenoughtotelleveryonehewasyourhusband.Signedforyoursurgeryandeverything.”Ateasingsmileturnedupthecornersofhermouth.“Miraculouslyknewyourbloodtypeandyourallergies,too,whichmeansyoumusthavebeenconsciousenoughtotellhim.Andseriously.”Sheleveledastareonme.“Thedoctorsaidyou’renotsupposedtobewatchingTVwithaconcussion.”
Mysighrosefromthebottomofmyblanketedtoes,butIhittheoffswitchjustasthenursecameintodoanotherroundofvitals.Luckily,shekeptthelightsdimmed,sincemyheadfeltlikeitwasaboutabillionpoundsofpulsingTNT.
“IsthereanythingelseIcangetyou?”sheasked,jottingdownthenumbersinthechartthathungfromtheendofmybed.
Thechart.
“No,I’mokay,butthankyou.”Igaveherasmile,andsheheadedoutoftheroombeforeclosingthedoorbehindher.“Serena,grabthechart.”
Twolinesappearedbetweenmysister’seyebrows.“What?”
“Thechart.”Iwavedmyhandtowardtheendofthebed.“Ifhesignedforthesurgery,itmustbeinthere.”
“Goodidea!”Sheboltedoutofherchair,abandoninghersnacksonthebedsidetable.“You’dthinkyouweretheonestudyingjournalism.”
Studying.Ohshit,IwasgoingtohavetogetbacktoSyracuse,buttheideaofgettingonaplanewas…therewasjustnofreakingway.I’dhavetobenotonlysedated,butfullyunconsciouswithanescort,andeventhenIwasn’tsureIcouldbringmyselftowalkdownthejetbridgeanyway.“HowamIgoingtogetbacktoschool?”Therhetoricalquestionwasawhisper.
Serenaloweredthesiderailofmybedandthensatontheedge,depressingthemattressasshehandedmethechart.“We’llfigureitout.Justbecausethey’regoingtoreleaseyoutomorrowdoesn’tmeanyouhavetogobacktoNewYork,Iz.There’snorush.I’msureMomandDadwillunderstandifyoudecidetotakesometimeoff.Andifyoudowanttogoback,thenI’lljustblowoffsomeclassesandwe’lldrive.”Sheshrugged.“Nobiggie.OrI’msureMomandDadwillbehereinafewdays,andtheycandriveyouhometoColoradoifthat’swhatyouwant.”
“Thankyou.”Itookthechartandsetitonmylap.“Ijustdon’tknowhowtomakemyselfgetonaplane.”
Didhe?Whenhe’dleftyesterdaywiththesoldiers,hadtheyimmediatelyputhimonthenextflighttoFortBenning?Sure,Iwasscaredofflying,butatleastyesterdayhadn’tbeenmyonlyexperienceintheair.
“Thenwe’llworkthroughit,”shesaidasthephonenexttomybedrang,startlingusboth.
Ileanedbutcouldn’tquitereach,andthestitchesinmysideprotestedintheloudestwaypossible.Ormaybeitwasthebrokenribs,orthespleen.Whoknew?Myentirebodywasprettydamnangrywithme.
Serenarushedaroundthesideofthebedandansweredthephone,pushingherlonghairoutoftheway.Evenaftertwenty-fourhoursinthehospital,shestillmanagedtolook…perfect.IfIhadn’tlovedhersomuch,Iwould’veloathedheroutofsheerjealousy.
“Hello?”sheanswered,andamuffledvoicereplied.Hereyebrowsshotup.“Oh,thankGod.Isentamessagethroughthecruiselines,butIwasn’tsurehowlongitwouldtaketogettoyou.Whenareyoucominghome?”MomandDad,shemouthed,listeningtowhatevertheyweresaying.“She’sokay.They’rereleasinghertomorrow.Rupturedspleenrepaired,concussion,brokenribs,andbumpsandbruises,butshe’spasttheworstofit.She’srighthereifyouwantto—”Herbrowfurrowed.
Iheldoutmyemptyhand.
“Areyouserious?”Herfacetensed.“Well,youcantellherthatyourself.”Sheclosedhereyesandswallowed,thenhandedmethephone.
Dreadtwistedmyalreadynauseatedstomach.“Hello?”
“Isa!”Dadanswered.“Oh,honey.I’msosorryyou’vebeenthroughthis.”
Myeyesburned,butIswallowedbackthetears.ThesamethinghadhappenedwhenI’dfoundSerenanexttomybed.Itwaslikemyemotionsweresimplytoobigformybody.“I’mokay,”Iforcedout.
“That’swhatSerenasays,”Momadded,andIcouldpicturethemsharingthehandset,leanedinsotheycouldbothbeapartoftheconversation.“I’msogladshe’stheretotakecareofyouforthenextcoupleofdays.”
“You’llbebackbythen?”Iheldthephonebetweenmyrightshoulderandearandstartedflippingthroughmychart
“Well.”Momsighed.“Honey,youknowhowlongwe’vewaitedtotakethistrip,soifyou’renotinanylife-or-limbdanger,there’snotreallyareasonforustocomeback,isthere?”
Iblinked,myhandsgoingcompletelystill.
Serenatookherplaceonthesideofmybed,watchingmewithanassessinggazethatIcouldn’tbringmyselftomeet
“Imean,we’llseeyouatChristmas.That’sonlyfourweeksaway,andI’msureyoudon’twanttomissoutonanyclasses,whichisallthatuscominghomewouldaccomplish,really,”Momcontinued.
“You’renotcominghome?”Ihadtosayit,hadtomakesurethat’swhatI’dactuallyheardthemsay.Myparentsweremastersatwordsandeverywaytheycouldbeinterpreted.
Serenareachedformyhandandsqueezed
“Ifthey’rereleasingyoutomorrow,thenyoumustbeonthemend,”Dadsaid,histonechangingtothematter-of-factoneheusedattheoffice.“AndIknowyou’vebeenthroughashock,Isa,butthiswillreallybeanopportunityforyoutoriseabovethechallengeandshowyourmettle.”
Anopportunity?
“Itwasn’tashock,”Iarguedasmyheartcrumpledinonitself.“Itwasaplanecrash.Myplanecrashed.Ihadtoclimbouttheemergencyexitontothewingandthenswimforshorewhilebleedinginternally.”Andstilltheyweren’tcominghome.
“Andwe’resoproudofyou!”MomsoundedlikeI’djustearnedatrophy.“Guessallthoseyearsontheswimteampaidoff.”
Notthatthey’dbeenatasinglemeet.
“Weknowyoucrashed,Isa,”Dadinterjected.“WhichiswhyyouhavefullaccesstomycreditcardtobookanotherflightbacktoSyracuse,ofcourse.Don’tworryaboutathing—we’llcoverit.”
Don’tworryaboutathingexceptthembeinghere.Gotit.
“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”
“Don’tfeellikeyouhavetothankus.Ofcoursewe’dcoveryourtravelexpenses.”Dadchuckled.“Andwecan’twaittoseethedean’slistwhenwegetbackstateside.”
Youhavetobekiddingme.
“Ofcoursewe’llcomehomeifyoureally,honestlyneedusto,Isabeau,”Momsaid,hertonesoftening.“I’msurewecouldgetrefundedfortherestofthetrip,andofcoursethere’salwaysnextyearifwewanttofinishit,right?”
“Don’tbabyher,Rose.Serenaalreadytoldusshe’sbeingreleased,whichmeansshe’sfine.She’sanAstor.Aren’tyou,Isa?”Dadquestioned.“Astorsdowhatneedstobedone.”
Theyreallyexpectedmetocomethroughthislikeeverythingelse—withflyingcolors.WhatthehellwasIsupposedtodo?AskthemtoleavetheonlyvacationDadhadtakeninthelasttenyearswherehehadn’tbeeninconstantcontactwithhisoffice?
IliftedmygazetomeetSerena’sandfoundherwatchingwithcompassionandasupportivesmile.
“We’llhandleittogether,”shewhispered.“Justlikewealwaysdo.”
Inoddedandclearedmythroat,banishingtheknotthatthreatenedtocloseit.“I’mfine.Serenawillgetmebacktoschool.”
“Ofcourseshewill,”Dadsaid,pridefillinghistone.“Andwe’llseeyouatChristmas.AndIknowthishasbeenhorrible,butI’mgladwegottotalktoyou.Weloveyou.”
“Weloveyou!”Momdeclared.“Andwe’llgetyousomethingspecialatthenextport.”
Tellmeyourlovelanguageisgiftswithouttellingme…
“Soundsgreat.Loveyouguystoo.”
SerenaandIsaidourgoodbyes,andshehungupthephone.
“I’msosorry,Iz.Ilegitimatelythought…”Shesighed,ploppingdowninthearmchair.
“No,youdidn’t.”Myvoicesoftened.“Let’snotlietoeachother.”TheprioritiesinMomandDad’slifewereDad’scompany,andthemselves.SerenaandIhadalwaysbeenhoodornaments,shinedupandshownforstatus.Butstill,mylungshurtwhenIdrewmynextbreath.
“Youhaveme.”Sheleanedin.“Youalwayshaveme.”
“Iknow.”Iclaspedherhandforamomentandthentookashudderingbreath.Cryingaboutitwasn’tgoingtohelp,soIfocusedonthechartinmylap,flippingthroughthepagesuntilIfoundthefirstdocuments.“Thereitis!”
Serenastoodandleanedoverthebed.“Areyousurethatguywasn’tadoctor?Becausehishandwritingisuttershit.”
“Nathaniel,”Iwhispered,myfingersskirtingoverthesignature,butIcouldn’treadtherestofit.
“HowthehelldidyougetNathanieloutofthatchickenscratch?”Sheshookherhead.“AllIseeisanNand…whateverthatis.”
“Nate.”Mylipscurvedintoawidegrin,myfirstsincewakingup.“HisfriendscallhimNate.”ThatwasallIcouldremember,andprobablyallI’deverknow,butatleastIhadanametoputtothefaceofthemanwho’dsavedmylife.
Twomonthslater,Iadjustedmybagonmyshoulderandstompedoffthesnowfrommybootsontheentrymatofmydorm.Coloradogotsnow,soitwasn’tlikeIwasastrangertothewhitestuff,butSyracusegotsnow,especiallyinJanuary.
Itwasuptomywaistoutthere.
Iwalkedtothemailroomandspunthedialonmyboxasstudentschattedaroundme.MyeyebrowsroseatthetelltaleorangeslipthatmeantIhadapackagetobepickedup.
MomandDadweren’texactlythecarepackagetype,andI’dseenthemjustlastweekbeforecomingbacktoNewYorkafterbreak,sotherewasabsolutelynochanceitwasfromthem.Serena,maybe?
Ishutmymailbox,tossedoneoftheweeklycreditcardoffersinthetrash,andheadedtothelineatthewindowtopickupwhateverhadbeensenttome.Therewereonlytwopeopleaheadofme.
“Hey,Izzy!”Margo,myroommate,calledoutfromthelobbywithathicksouthernaccent,trudgingtowardmeandleavingwetbootprintsalloverthemuddyfloor.
“Hey,”Ianswered.“Howwaspsych?”
“Normal.”Sheshruggedaswemovedforwardinlineandshookthesnowoutofhermidnight-blackhair.“We’restudyingposttraumaticstressdisorder.”Ameaningfulgazecutmyway.“Thoughtanymoreaboutmaybe…discussingyourswithatherapist?”
Niceandsubtle.
“Idon’thavePTSD.I’mscaredofplanes.”WhichwaswhySerenaandIhaddrivenarentalcarallthewayfromColoradoafterbreak,despitemyfathertellingmethatIcouldn’taffordtoletthefearofflightholdmeback.
“Resultingfromatraumaticexperienceofafreakingplanecrash,”shelectured,andthelinemovedagain.
“Iwasscaredofflyingbeforethecrash.”
“Slip?”theattendantasked,andIhandedmineover.Hedisappearedintothemailroom.
“I’mjustsayingthatitreallyhelpedmeafterIlostmybrother,”shesaidsoftly,andIcouldn’thelpbutlookoverather.
ThethoughtoflosingSerenawasincomprehensible.
“Somaybeitmighthelpyoutotalktoo,”shesuggested.“Ilivewithyou.Iknowyou’renotsleepinglikeyouwerebeforethecrash.Itcouldn’thurt,andfromwhatI’mstudying,theearlieryoutalkitoutwithaprofessional,thebetter.”
Maybeshewasright.Ifanything,atherapistcouldtellmeIwasperfectlyfine,andmaybesuggestafewalternateformsoftransportation.“I’lllookintoit.”
“Good!”Shehuggedmyside.
“Astor?”theattendantsaid,pushingaboxacrossthecounter.Thebrownboxwasafootwide,abouteighteenincheslong,andmaybesixinchestallifIhadtoguess.
“That’sme.”Ireachedfortheclipboardhehandedoverandsignedmynameontherecipientline.
“Who’sitfrom?”Margoasked.
“Notsure.”ItwassurprisinglylightasIpickeditupoffthecounterandreadtheprintedaddresslabel.“TranscontinentalAirlines.”Mychesttightened.
“Isitagiantcheckforyourpainandsuffering?”
“Noclue.”Whatcouldtheairlinepossiblyhavetosendme?ApillowsoI’dsleepbetter?AthousandtravelvouchersI’dneverbringmyselftouse?
Wetooktheelevatortothethirdfloor,andMargousedherkeytoopenourdoorsincemyhandswerefull.Ourfurniturewassimple—matchingbeds,desks,andminidressers—butourdecorwasallMargo.Everythingwashotpinkandlimegreen,liketheentireroomhadjuststeppedoutofaLillyPulitzerad.
Isettheboxdownonmydesk,thencutitopen,takingouttheletterontopofadark-blueplasticbag.
Ms.Astor,
Withtheinitialinvestigationintotheunfortunateincidentregardingflight826complete,we’rereturningthepersonalbelongingsfoundinyourseat’sfloorstorage.Thoughmanypaperitemswerewater-loggedandunsalvageableduetotheplane’ssubmersion,wewantedtoreturnwhatwecould.
Weapologizefortheinconvenienceofthetimeyou’velostwithoutyourbelongings,
TranscontinentalAir
IsnortedalaughandreadthelastlineoutloudtoMargo.“They’resorryabouttheinconvenienceaboutmylostluggage.”
“Andthelossofyourspleen?”Shepeekedovermyshoulder.
“Hey,maybeit’smypurse!”Iliftedthebagwithzeal.ItwasprobablyruinedafterspendingweeksintheMissouriRiver,butIwaskindofruined,too,sowewereamatch.Mythumbspriedaparttheplasticclosure,andthebagfellaway,revealinganolive-greenarmybackpack.
Myheartstopped,andIhadtotakeadeepbreathtogetitstartedagain.
“Thatdoesn’tlooklikeyourpurse,”Margosaid,alaughinhervoice.
“It’snotmine.”Isetthebackpackdownontheemptyportionofmydesk.“It’shis.”
Hereyebrowslaunchedupwardasshemovedtomyside.“Hisasin…thedreamyguywhosavedyourlifelikesomekindofriverBaywatchPrinceCharming?”
ObviouslyI’dspentafairamountoftimetalkingaboutNateandtoomuchtimethinkingabouthim:wonderinghowhewasdoing,wishingIhadsomewaytocontacthim.Hedeservedsomuchmorethanmythanks,andbesides,I’dsaidI’dshipbookstohimifhewasallowedtohavetheminbasictraining.
Ifhewasevenstillinbasictraining.Ididn’tknowenoughaboutthearmytoevenguessathowlongstufflikethattook.
“Yeah.”Thebackpackhadobviouslybeenwashed,anditsomehowlookedexactlythesameaswhenNatehadnearlypulleditouttoswitchseatswithme.“Hewassittinginmyseat.”
“Openit.”Sheleanedin.
Iunzippedthebag,andfoundaworn,soft,SaintLouisBlueshoodieandaniPodthathadbeenprotectedbyaziplockbag.ItturnedonwhenIpushedthebuttonthroughtheplasticbag,“Panic!attheDisco”flashingacrossthescreen.“Iguesseverythingelsemusthavebeenruined.”
“I’msorryit’snotyourpurse,”Margosaid,turningbacktowardhersideofourroom.
“I’mnot,”Iwhispered.Howwasitpossibletofeelso…connectedtosomeoneI’donlyknownforacoupleofhours?Itwasn’teventhathe’dpulledmefromtheriver,orthathe’dcarriedmetoanambulance.He’dheldmyhandtheentirewaydownandneverlookedaway.
Ishovedthesweatshirtbackintothepackandtheninhaledsharply.There,onthetagjustbeneaththehandleontheinsideofthepack,inpermanentmarker,wasprintedN.Phelan
Mygrinstretchedmycheeks.Iknewhisname.Whereverhewasorwhateverhewasdoingaside,Iknewhisname.Icouldfindhim,ifonlytoreturnhisbag.
NathanielPhelan.CHAPTERNINE
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“SergeantGreen,”Isaidthenextday.Mystackofmanilafolderswasbalancedprecariouslybetweenmyhands,cellphoneontop,asIwalkedtowardwhereNatestoodguardatthedoorwayoftheconferenceroomourteamhadtakenoverasofficespaceintheembassy.Guessitwasfittingtocallhimanentirelydifferentname,consideringhefeltlikeacompletelydifferentperson.
Buthe’dslippedthoseearbudsintomyearsyesterdayandplayed“NorthernDownpour”todistractmewhenthehelicoptertookoff.WhatthehellwasIsupposedtodowiththat?Itwasaglimpseofwhowe’dbeeninthisdusty,bleaklandscapeofwhatwe’dsomehowbecome
“Ms.Astor.”Natenodded,hiseyestrainedstraightahead.
“Isa!”BenHoltcameflyingthroughthelobbybehindme,dodgingthethickeningcrowdofAmericanslookingforassistance,andIhalfexpectedhimtopullacartoonishskid,buthemanagedtostopbeforebarrelingintome.
“Issomethingonfire?”Iasked,adjustingthefolders.
“DidyoufileyourreportwithSenatorLaurenwhenyougotbacklastnight?”Worrycreasedtheareabetweenhisbrows,andIsighed,alreadyseeingwherethiswasheaded.
“Yep.Isentmyinitialimpressionfromyesterday’stripwhenwegotback.”Ithadbeenlateintheafternoon,andI’dbeenmorethanalittleemotionallyexhaustedafterclenchingeverymuscleinmybodyduringbothflights,butworkwaswork.“Kaceyisstilldraftingtheprettyversioninthere.”Inoddedbacktowardtheconferenceroom.
“Shit,”hemuttered,lettinghisheadfallbackforasecond.“Doyoualwayshavetobesoaheadofthings?”Therewasateasingglintinhisbrowneyes.“Itwouldhelptherestofuseveryonceinawhile.”
“Notahead,”Iremindedhimasmycellphonebuzzedwithanincomingcall.“Justontopofthings.IfIdon’tgetmynotesturnedin,thenthejunioraidescan’tgettheirsstarted.”Mycellmovedacrossthetopfolderwitheverybuzzingring.
Jeremy’snameandcontactphotofilledthescreen.
Shit.Itwashisthirdcalltoday.
“Letmehelp,”Bensaid,reachingforthephoneahalfsecondtoolate.Itfellfromthestackoffolders,crashingintotheshinyfloor,bouncingonimpact.
Naturally,whereBenwastooslow,Natehadthereflexesofafreakingcat,andhecaughtthedevicebeforeitcouldimpactagain.
IwasacutelyawareoftheriseofNate’sbodynexttomine,andifIhadn’tbeenstaringathisface,watchingforanypossiblereaction,Iwouldhavemissedthewayhisbrowfurrowedforasecondwhenhesawthescreen.“Justhitdecline,”Isaidsoftly,myheartpoundingatthethoughtthathe’danswerit.
Iwasn’treadyfortheconversationJeremywanted,ortheverydifferentoneIneeded,andIsureashellwasn’treadyforNatetotalktohim.Nope.Nowaywasthathappening.
NatemightnothaveknownJeremy,butJeremysureashellknewwhoNatewas.Couldn’tblameJeremyforhatinghim,though.Iwasn’tkeenonfightingaghostformyfiancé’sattentioneither.
ExceptNatewasn’taghostanymore.Hewasfleshandbloodnexttome,smellinglikethatspearmintgumhewasobsessedwith.
WhichmeantIknewexactlyhowhetastedrightnow.
“Yousure?”Nate’sice-blueeyesrosetomeetmine,hisfingerhoveringoverthedeclinebutton.
“Absolutely.”Inodded,neverascertainaboutanythinginmylife.
“Man,you’refast,”Bennoted,leaningaroundmystackoffolderstolookatthephone.“Jeremy,huh?”
Natelookedatthephoneforasecondlonger,andIknewhewasmemorizingeverydetailaboutJeremyinthatwayhehad,filingtheinformationawayforlater.Thenhetappedthedeclinebutton,andinsteadofputtingmyphonebackonthestackinmyarms,hesliditintothesidepocketofmyblackslacks.
Hedidn’ttouchmewithhishands,butdamn,diditfeellikehehad.
“How’sthatgoing,anyway?”BenaskedlikeNatewasn’teventhere.
“It’s…”Iswallowed,hard,andcouldn’thelpglancingoveratNate,buthe’dalreadysteppedback,takinghisinterminablepositionatthedoor.Thefilesgrewheaviereverysecondwestoodhere.“Itiswhatitis.”
“Youknow,Iheardrumors.”Benrubbedthebackofhisneck,givingmethatpityinglookI’dbecomeaccustomedtooverthelastsixweeks.“Butyouhadn’tsaidanything,soIdidn’twanttopush—”
“WhichIappreciate,”Isaid,cuttinghimoff.“I’djustratherfocusontheworkwehavehereandleaveWashingtoninWashington.”WhatIhadtodecidewasn’tforpublicknowledge,especiallynotinthegossipingfishbowlthatwasDCpolitics.
“Understandable.”Hisvoicesoftened.“Butjustincaseyouneedsomeonetotalkto”—hereachedformyshoulder—“I’mhere.”Withasympatheticnod,hewalkedpastmeandintotheconferenceroom.
“Givemethose.”Natemovedoverandtookthefilesfrommyarmswithoutwaitingformetorespond,andInearlysighedwithphysicalrelief.“Whateverhe’saskingyoutoshare,don’t.”
“Really?”Iasked,pivotingtofacehim.
“He’s…”Nate’sforeheadcrinkled,whichmeanthewassearchingfortherightwords.“He’stooeagerfortheinformation.Justagutfeeling.”
“Yeah.”Ifoughtmysmile,becausehewasrightonthemoney.“HeaskedmeoutourfirstweekontheHill,andI’mnotsurehe’severreallyacceptedthatno.”
Nate’sbrowfurrowedasheglancedthroughtheglassintotheconferenceroom.“Guyswhowaitforawomantohitherlowestsotheycanmaketheirmovearepiecesofshit.”
“Noted.”Ipressedmylipsbetweenmyteethtokeepfromgrinning.
“What?”
“You’vealwayshadtheabilitytojudgesomeone’scharacterwithinminutesofmeetingthem,andI’veneverseenyouprovedwrong.”Ishrugged,lookingawayquickly.“Youknowwedon’tneedaguardatthedoor,right?We’reintheembassy.”
“AndItoldyouthatforthenexttwoweeks,Iwon’tbeanymorethanaroomawayfromyou.Notuntilyou’resafeandsnugonaplanepointedstateside.”Hisgazetookaquicksweepofthefiles.
“Butyou’llstayhere,won’tyou?”Iwhispered,mystomachsinking.Puttingmeonaplanewouldonlyguaranteemysafety,nothis.Neverhis.
“Thesenamesaren’tonouritinerary.”Hearchedabrow.
“They’reallSIVapplications,”Isaid.“ForSpecialImmigrantVisas.”
“Forpeopleemployedbyus,”hesaid.“IknowwhatSIVsare.Whatareyoudoingwithastackofthem?”
“Igottherundownonhowtoprocessthemearlierandfiguredwecouldhelpoutbetweenmeetings.”Lookingovermyshoulder,Inotedhowcrowdedthelobbywas.“Iwalkedintothewaitingroom,andeverychairisfull.They’reoverwhelmed.”
“Theyare,”heagreed.“Goodtoseesomethingshaven’tchanged,”hesaid,turningtowalkintotheconferenceroom.“You’restilltryingtosaveeveryonebutyourself.”
Ice-coldwatersoakedmyfeetandpanicseizedmymuscles,makingmynumbfingersuselessasIfoughtwiththeseatbelt.Weweregoingunder,andtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutitbutsitthereanddrown.ThescreamsaroundmefilledmyearsasIyankedharderandharderonthebelt.Thewaterrosetomyknees,andItriedtocryoutforhelp,butmythroatwouldn’twork.
Thesuddensilencemademelookaroundattheotherpassengers,buttheyweregone,allevacuatedthroughtheemergencyexitacrosstheaisle.
Iwasalone.
Theyallleftme.
Iforcedoutascream,thesoundgarbledasthewaterrushedupmythighsandthefloorlightingfailed.Therewasn’tenoughair,enoughtime.Iwasgoingtodieinhere.Thefuselagesankfasterandfaster,waterrisingaroundmychest,butthestupidbeltwasstuck.
Lookingleft,Isawtheemergencyexitopen,butIcouldn’tgetthere.
Thisisn’tright.
Hewouldn’tleaveme.Heneverleftme.NotuntilI—
“Izzy!”Natejumpedthroughthedoorway,splashingintothefreezingwater,thenunhookedmybeltwithoneflickofhishand,buthelookeddifferent.Thicker.Older.Harder.ThenametapeonhisKevlarreadGreen
Thiswasadream.
Withagasp,Ishotupinbed,mytanktopsoakedthroughwithsweatandmyheartpoundingasIstruggledforbreath.Myribssqueezedlikeavise,butIforcedairinandoutthroughmylungs.Thatwasallitevertooktoescapethenightmare.Ijusthadtorealizeitwasone.
Fallingoutofbed,Ihitmykneesandthecarpetstungmybareskin.
Thiswasreal.
“Myname.Is.IsabeauAstor,”Imanagedthroughthenarrowingpassageofmythroat.“Iwasapassengeronflight826.”Therewego.Thatwasafullsentence.“Wehitthewater.Imadeitout.”Thewordshadbeendrilledintomethroughyearsoftherapy,thoughtheyalwaystookdifferentforms,dependingonthenightmare.“Iswamtosafety.Isurvived.”BythetimeIfinished,mythroathadopenedenoughthatIcouldtakeadeepbreath.Thentwo.“Wesurvived.”
Iglancedattheclock.Itwasfoura.m
Freshair.Ineededfreshair.
Abeepalertedmethatmydooropened,andthenitslammedshut,butthescantamountofmoonlightcominginthroughthewindowsdidn’tgivememuchvisibility.
“Izzy?”
“Inhere.”Myshouldersslumpedinrelief.Therewasonlyonepersonthatvoicecouldbelongto.
“Youscreamed.”Hisshadowfilledmydoorway,andIcouldtellhisweaponwasdrawn.
“It’sjustme,”Iassuredhim,wrappingmyarmsaroundmymidsection.
Hewalkedrightbyme,clearingmybathroomandthentheareanexttothewindowbeforeflickingonthelightonthenightstandbehindme.“Fuck.”
Thatwordwastheonlywarningbeforetherewasasoundlikehimholsteringhisweapon.Thenheliftedmeintohisarms,holdingmecloseagainsthischest.
“I’mokay,”Ipromised,butthatdidn’tstopmefrommeltingintohisfamiliarembrace.Hewasn’tdeckedoutinthatthickKevlarvestanymore,notthatIexpectedhimtobeatfourinthemorning.Therewassoftblackcottonandasteadyheartbeatagainstmycheek.
“Yeah,seemslikeit.”Hewalkedusintothelivingroom,thensatonthecouch,holdingmeinhislapandclickingonthetablelampnexttous.“Shit,you’resoaked.”
Ishouldhavemoved,shouldhavescootedtotheotherendofthecouch,butinstead,Ituckedmylegsupandcurledintohimforthesimplereasonthattherewasnowheresaferinthisworld.
“It’sjustanightmare.”Ishiveredasmyskinchilledbeneaththebeadsofsweat.
Natereachedoverhisshoulderandpulledtheblanketfromthebackofthecouchoverme,thenwrappedonearmaroundme.Hisotherhandstrokedupanddownmyarminasoothing,repetitivemotion.“Wouldahotbathhelp?”
“Nowater.”Ishookmyheadandbarelykeptmyselffromarchingmyfaceintohisneck.Itshouldhavebeenillegaltosmellthatgood,allfreshsoapandspearmint.
“Theplane,”heguessed,restinghischinonthetopofmyhead.
“Theplane.”
Minutespassedinsilenceasmyheartrateslowedtomatchhis.ThatwasoneofthethingsIlovedaboutbeingaroundNate.Wedidn’thavetofilleveryemptysecondwithchatter.
“Doyouevergetthem?”Iasked,knowingIshouldmoveoffhislap,outofhisarms,andyetunabletomakemyself.
“Notreallyanymore.”Hecontinuedtheslow,steadystrokesupanddownmyarm.
“Whatchanged?”
“ItbecameoneofthelessertraumatizingthingsI’veseen,”hesaidsoftly.“ButifIdogetthem,they’reusuallythatIcan’tgetyouout,orthatyouslipawayinthecurrent.Nevergetspastthat,though.I’mperpetuallybattlingtogetyoutoshore.”Hishandpaused,andhesqueezedmyshoulder.“Whataboutyou?Howoftendotheystillhappentoyou?”
“Depends.UsuallyonlywhenI’minthemiddleofsomethingreallystressful,orsomethingthat’soutofmycontrol.”Likerightnow.“FeelslikeIwentthroughyearsoftherapyfornothing,”Itriedtojoke.
“Iftheyhappenlessthantheyusedto,it’sworthit.”
Isomehowdoubtedhe’dactedonthatsentimentinthelastthreeyears,givenhowopposedhe’dbeentoitbefore.
Momentspassed,andtheimproprietyofitallstruckmestraightinthechest.“Isthishowyoucomforteveryassignmentyou’regiven?”
“Hardly,”hescoffed,shakinghishead,andIknewthatifIlookedup,I’dseethatslightsmilecurvinghislips.Theonethatalwaysmademeachetokisshim.
Icouldn’tstaythere,curledupagainsthimlikeIwasn’tsomeoneelse’sfiancée.
Areyoureally,though?
Ishiftedmyheadslightlyandfeltthelumpundermycheek,thendrewbacktostareatit.
“IwasinthemiddleofgettingdressedwhenIheardyou,”hesaid,pullingthechainfrombeneathhisshirttorevealwhatlookedlikeadogtag,butithadbeenwrappedinblacktape.
Thetapewassohewouldn’tmakeasoundwhenmovingaround,ifIrememberedcorrectly.
“Explainsthebarefeet,”Isaid,shiftingoutofhislapandtakingtheblanketwithme.ItwasoddthathewaswearingdogtagsifIwasn’tevenallowedtocallhimbyhisname.Alltheseyearslater,he’ddugdeeperintothesamelife,whileI’dcompletelychangedmine.
Heclearedhisthroatandmovedtotheotherendofthecouch,leavingonlymyfeetontheno-man’s-landofthecentercushion.
“Whatwereyoudoingupatfourinthemorning?”Iasked,tuggingtheblanketclosertocoverthefactthatIdidn’texactlywearabratobed.Notthathehadn’talreadyseeneveryinchofmenaked.
“Gettingbackfromthegym.”
Idroppedmygazetohiship,whereaweaponwasholstered.“Andthefirstthingyoudoafterashowerisstrapup?”
“Listentoyou.”Hegrinned,flashingthatdimple,andmyheartfreakingclenched.“Strapup.”
God,itwassaferagainsthischest,whereIwasn’tlookingstraightintothoseeyes.Tenyearslater,andtheystillhadthesamethigh-clenchingeffectonme.Themancouldhavedonenothingbutlookatme,andIbetIwouldhavecomeifhestaredhardenough.Igrippedtheedgeoftheblanket.
Hisbrowknit.“You’renotwearingyourring.”
Heatflushedmycheeks,andIdrewmyhandbackbeneaththeblanket.“Idon’tsleepinit,”Iexplained.Thedamnthingwascumbersomeandcaughtonthesheets,andmaybeIjustneededadamnbreakfromwearingthesymbolofbeingJeremy’s.“It’s…notcomfortable,”IfinishedinatonesolameevenIcringed.
“Icanseehowarocklikethatwouldget…heavy.”Helookedaway,hisjawticking.
Guiltsatlikearockinmystomach,andathousandthingsIwantedtosaytickledthetipofmytongue.ThenIrememberedthesightofhisrain-soakedbackretreatingdownmyhallwayinNewYork,refusingtoturnwhenIcalledhisnameoverandover,andmychesttightened.“Howarewesupposedtodothis?”
“Dowhat?”Heleanedforward,bracinghiselbowsonhisknees.
“Staythiscloseforthenexttwoweeksandjustignore…everything?”Itcameoutasawhisper.
Heshovedhisdogtagsbackunderhisshirt.“It’sonlytwelvemoredays,”heansweredquietly.“Andwejusthaveto.”
“Nate.”Imovedtoscootcloser,andhepinnedmewithalookthatstoppedmedead.
“Don’t,Izzy.”Heshookhishead.“Ihaveoneweaknessonthisentireplanet,andyou’refeetawaywhenyou’resupposedtobehalfwayroundtheglobe.”Thatmaskheworelikearmorfellaway,andthepaininhiseyeswasenoughtomakemesuckinasharpbreath.“Soplease,havesomegoddamnmercyonmeforonceinyourlifeandjust…”Hiseyessqueezedshut.“Justignoreit.”
Istudiedthelinesofhisface,thetattoothatmovedandrippledonhisforearmwhenhecurledhishandsintofists.Everylineofhimwastight,likehewaspreparedtofightabattleIcouldn’tsee.Itwasn’tfairtohim.Iwasherebymychoice,andhewasonlystayingforme.“Okay,”Isaid.“Icanignoreit.”
“Thankyou.”Hisposturerelaxed,andhestaredatthecoffeetableinfrontofus.“Whatisthat?”Hemotionedtothefolder.
“ThelatestpostsbyAmericanjournalists,”Ianswered.“KaceymusthavecomeinandputthemonthetableafterIwenttobed.Icrashedearly.”
“Shehasakey?”
“Yes.She’sajunioraide.She’snotathreat,Nate.”Irolledmyeyes.
“Youneedtolockyourdeadbolt,”hemuttered,reachingforthefolder.
“AndifIhad,youwouldn’thavebeenabletogetin,either,wouldyou?”Ichallenged,tuckingmylegsunderneathmeashehandedmethefolder.
Hesnorted.“LikeapieceofmetaliskeepingmeoutwhenIhearyouscream.”
Ididn’tbotherpointingoutthatifhecouldgetpastadeadbolt,socouldanyoneelse.Instead,Ithumbedthroughthearticles.MybreathcaughtwhenIsawherbyline.“Nate,”Iwhispered,shovingtheprintedarticleathim.“She’snotinthepicture,butit’sSerena’sarticle.”
IbetifIcheckmyphonerightnow,I’llhaveaGoogleAlertwaitinginmyinbox.
Hetookthearticleandstudiedthepicture,sighing.“She’sinMez.”
“What?”Againstmybetterjudgment,ImovedclosersoIcouldseeit,too,myshoulderbrushinghisarm.
“Thatbuilding.It’stheShrineofAli,alsoknownastheBlueMosque.”Hepointedtothebuildinginthedistanceofthepicture.“She’seitherinMazar-i-Sharif,orshewasrecently.”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile,becauseshe’dfileditearlierthisevening,accordingtotheposttime.“Butshe’salive.”
“She’salive.”
Andnowweknewwhereshewas.CHAPTERTEN
NATHANIEL
TybeeIsland,Georgia
June2014
“Sevenball,cornerpocket,”Icalledout,flippingmyballcapbackwardbeforeleaningoverthepooltableandmakingmythirdshotinarow.
“Damnit,Phelan,”Rowellmuttered,hisheadfallingbackasourfriendshowledwithlaughter,bottlesliftingallaroundme.“Yougottarunthetableonmelikethat?”
“Hey,youweretheonepushingmetoplay.”AsmirkturnedupthecornerofmymouthasIsurveyedthetableinthecornerwe’dcommandeeredatourfavoritebeachbaronTybeeIsland.Therewerethreeothertablesnearby,adancefloorthatalwaysseemedtohavesandonit,andabarthatopenedtotheoceanbreeze,alifesaverintheGeorgiasummer,evenattenp.m.“Three,sidepocket.”Isanktheshotasthebeatchangedintheobnoxiouslyloudspeakersbehindme,andfromtheresoundingsqueal,Icouldonlyguessthatagroupofwomentookthefloor.
Couldn’targuewiththemusicchoice,though.“MissJackson”wasn’tmyfavoritePanic!attheDiscosong,butitwasupthere.Thefavorite?Nowthatwas“NorthernDownpour”…whichwasthelastsongI’dlistenedtobeforeboardingflight826.
Fuck,whyhadIjustthoughtaboutthat?Flashesofbreathtakingbrowneyesinvadedmymemoryjustliketheyhadmydreamsoverthepasttwoandahalfyears.Isabeau.
“Theregoesanothertwenty.”Rowellleanedbackagainstthewall,clearlyresigninghimselftohiswalletbeingalittlelighterafterthisgame.
“Yougoingtoshowthemanalittlemercy?”Torresasked,runninghishandoverhisdark,close-croppedhairasIscannedthetable.Aftertwoyearsinthesameplatoon,andoneofthosespentinthesandbox,hewastheclosestthingI’deverhadtoabestfriend.
“WhythehellwouldIdothat?”Ilinedupanothershot.“Sixball,cornerpocket.”AndtherewentanotheroneofRowell’stwenties.“Wishingyou’dbetalittleless?”IaskedRowellovermyshoulder.
“IthoughtyouwereafarmboyfromIllinois.”Helookedaroundtherestofourplatoonwhohadcomeouttonight.“Didanyoneelseknowhe’sapoolshark?”Everyoneshooktheirheads.
“He’sarealchatterbox.”Torreslaughedandthrewbackanotherswigofhisbeer.
“Damn,”Fitzremarked,leaninghislankyframesidewaystoseepastmeasIstudiedthetable.I’dgivenitalittletoomuchspinandleftmyselfwithashitanglefortheoneball.“Prettysureanentiresororityjusttooktothefloor.”
Almosteveryheadinmyplatoonturned,butthatdidn’tsurpriseme.Itwasonlyussingleguysouttonight.Mostofthemarriedmenpreferredtospendtheirlastweekendbeforedeploymentwiththeirfamilies.
“That’sabacheloretteparty,”Torressaid,aslowsmilespreadingacrosshisfaceasImovedtotheothersideofthetabletolineupthebestshotIhad.Agroupofwomendancedintoview,abunchofhot-pinktanktopssurroundingoneinwhitewithalight-upveil.
Yeah,thatwasabacheloretteparty,allright.
“Youwouldhavehelpedmeoutifyou’dmanagedtoclearafewofyourballsoutoftheway,Rowell,”Isaid,bendinglowtoconcentrate.
Rowellgruntedinreply.
Iglancedupastheclosestwomanonthefloorspun,herarmsraisedandblondehairflyingasshedancedtothechorus.
Itwasonlyaglimpse,butmyheartstutteredandmygripslipped,causingmetomisstheshotcompletely.Thecueballwentskitteringacrossthegreenfelt,andIstartled.
“Guessyourluckhadtorunoutsometime.”RowelllaughedasIstood,scanningthedancefloorwithsingle-mindedfocus.
Thatwasn’ther.Adifferentblondehadtakentheedgeofthefloor.Orwasitthesameblonde?Hadmyheadpulledtheultimatetrickonme?
Wasitthemusic?Thewayitmadethememorysurfaceagain?
Therewasnowayitwasher.
Butthesurgeofadrenalineinmyveinsscreamedthatitwas.Ithrewmypoolstickatwhoeverwasclosestandmoved
“Phelan!”Fitzcalledout,butIwasalreadyinthethickofthedancefloorbeforeIeventhoughtofreplying.
Thestrobelightkickedonasthesongchanged,andfacesblurredallaroundmeasIturnedleft,thenright,thenleftagain,searchingthefeaturesofeverywomaninapinktanktopwhodancednearmeinthemomentaryflashesoflight.Thereweresix…no,seven.
Andnoneofthemwereher.
Shit.WasIlosingit?I’dseensomeshitondeployment,anditwasn’tliketheplanecrashhadn’tscrewedmyheadinwaysItriednottolingeron,buthallucinations?Iwasn’tthatscrewedup,wasI?
“Youokay?”Torresasked,cominguponmyleftasIstoodinthemiddleofthepulsingdancefloor.
“IthoughtIsawsomeone.”
Thatwomanwasbrunette.Thatonewasredheaded.Blonde.Wrongsmile.Nothereyes.
“Apparently.Youtookofflikeyourasswasonfire.”
“ScaredI’mgoingtocleanyououtnowthatit’smyturn?”Rowellaskedfrommyright,buttherewasaconcernedtilttohisbrowdespitehisshit-givingtone.
Likeitwasanactoffateorsomeotherequallyfortuitousforce,thecrowdpartedforalengthofaheartbeat,butthatwasallIneeded.
StandingatthebarwasIsabeaufuckingAstor.Shetuckedherhairbehindanear,givingmeafullviewofherprofile,andmyheartjumpedintomythroat.
“Betterthingstodo,”IsaidtoRowell,barelysparinghimaglancebeforewalkingthroughthecrowd.
“Betterthanwinningahundredandsixtybucks?”heyelledoverthemusic.
“Iforfeit!”Ishoutedovermyshoulder.“Themoney’syours!”
Thecrowdconvergedagain,alljumpinginrhythmtothemusicasIeasedmywaythroughthedancersuntilI’dmadeittotheothersideofthefloor.
ThebridehadjoinedIzzynearthecurveofthebar,andariotofemotionsassaultedmeasItookthespaceacrossthecorner,whereIcouldseeherentireface.Iopenedmymouthonce,thentwice,butcouldn’tthinkofwhattosay.
Therewaseverychanceintheworldshewouldn’trememberme,notwiththeconcussionshe’dhad.AndasoftenasI’dwonderedabouther,dreamedabouther,I’dneveronceletmyselfevenimagineactuallyseeingheragain,orwhatIwouldsayifIdid.
Izzywasthoroughlydistractedintheoppositedirection,tryingtoflagdownthebartender,butthebrideglancedmyway,thenhoistedhereyebrowwhenshenoticedmestaringatherfriend.
Timetospeakbeforethebrideaccusedmeofcreeping,andthisalreadyhadthepotentialforbeingawkwardashell.
“Imusthavedreamedofyouamilliontimes,”Isaidloudlyenoughtobeheardoverthemusic.Smooth,Nate.Realsmooth.
Izzyrolledhereyeswithoutevenlookingmyway.
“She’snotinterested.”Thebrideleanedintomylineofsight,blockingIzzy,andshookherhead.“Trustme,shejustgotoutofashittyrelationship,andyouaren’tinterestedeither.”
“Trustme,she’sinterested.”Igrinned.Hadtogiveittoloyalfriends.
Izzyscoffedandturnedherheadawayevenmore,purposefullyignoringme.Shewasjustasbeautiful—evenmoreso—asIremembered,inabarfulloffratboysonsummervacationandsoldierspreparingtodeploy.Icouldn’tevenbegintoimaginehowmanytimesshemusthavebeenhitontonight.
“Whatcouldyoupossiblyknowaboutwhatinterestsher?”Thebrideglaredwithslightlyglazedeyes.“We’rehavingagirls’night.Sojustgobacktowhatever”—shegesturedattheplainblackT-shirtthatstretchedacrossmytorso—“gymyoucrawledoutof.”
“Ilikeyou,”Itoldthebride,thenleanedfartherontothecountersoIcouldseeIzzy.“AndIknowshelikestoreadandhatestofly.”
Izzystiffenedandhergazeshifted,butshestilldidn’tlookatme.
“Randomguess,”thebridehuffed,crossingherarms.
“Iknowshe’sallergictoshellfishandpenicillin,”Icontinued.Izzy’seyeswidenedassheslowlyturnedmydirection.“AndshekeepsTylenolandantibioticointmentinherpurse.”
Izzy’sgazelockedwithmine,hergorgeousbrowneyesflaringwithrecognitionasherlipsparted.ShelookedasshockedasIfelt.
“Oh,andherbloodtypeisOpositive.”Mysmilesomehowwidened.“AmIforgettinganything?”
Shesidesteppedthebride,andmybreathstalledasshecamecloser,untilonlyamatterofinchesseparatedus.“NathanielPhelan?”
“Hey,IsabeauAstor.”
Shecriedoutandjumpedatme,throwingherarmsaroundmyneck.Icaughthereasily,splayingmyhandsoverherbackandhugginghertight.Forgetawkward.Thisfeltlikecominghome.
ThelasttimeI’dfeltthisrelieved,thiswhole,wasthemomentwe’dmadeittoshoreafterthecrash.
“Ihaveyourbag,”shesaidasshepulledback,studyingmyfacelikeshewaslookingforthescarmyballcaphid.
“What?”Isetherbackonherfeetandforcedmyhandstolethergo.
“Yourbag.”Sheflashedasmile,andmychestconstrictedaroundmyheart.Shit,Ihadn’timaginedthatinstantaneousconnectionI’dfeltwithherontheplane.Itwasalltooreal,shiningbrightlyinmyface.“Theairlinesentittomebecauseyou’dbeensittinginmyseat.”
“Noway.”Myeyebrowshittheceiling
Shenodded,hergrinjustasbigasmine.“IhaveyourhoodieandyouriPod,whichIcan’tbelieveyouactuallyputinaziplockbag,butitworked.Mymouthjustabouthitthefloorwhenitpoweredon.Idon’thavethemwithme,ofcourse—they’reallatmyapartmentinDC—butI’mnotreallysurewhatboxthey’rein,sinceIhaven’tevenhadtimetounpackbetweengraduation,moving,andnowMargo’sbacheloretteparty,”shebabbled,yellingtobeheardoverthemusic.
Shestillbabbled,andtherewasnothingbetterintheentireworld.
“Holyshit,thisisPlaneGuy?”thebride—Margo—asked,staringatmelikeshe’dseenaghost.
“Yes!”Izzynodded.“Canyoubelieveit?Nate,thisisMargo.Margo,thisisNate.”ShehookedherarmthroughMargo’selbow.“ShewaswithmewhenIgotthebackpack.”
“Hi,Margo.”ImanagedtoripmygazefromIzzylongenoughtonodatthebride.
“Hi,PlaneGuy!”ShesmackedakissonIzzy’scheek.“Ifyouneedme,I’llbeoutonthefloor!”Armsup,sheranbackouttotheotherbridesmaids.
IzzyandIstoodthere,thebeatpoundingallaroundus,andstaredateachother.
“Youwanttograbadrink?”Iasked,suddenlyrememberingthatshe’dbeenatthebarforareason.
Shenodded,andwebothturnedbacktothebar,ourarmsbrushingasIliftedmyrighthandtoflagthebartender.Fuck,itwaslikeIwassixteenagain—thatwashowquicklythatinnocenttouchwentstraightthroughme.
“You’renotdrinkingeither?”sheaskedafterI’dpaidforoursodas.
“I’vealreadyhadacouple.”Ishrugged.TherewasnochanceIwasgoingtodullasinglesecondofseeingheragain.“Wanttograbatableoutside?”
“Absolutely.”
Wemadeourwaythroughthebarcrowdandontothebeachfrontpatio,wherewescoredoneofthetwo-seaterhigh-topsattheedge.
Thenwestaredateachotheragain,thistimeintherelativequiet.
“It’sniceouthere,”shesaid.
“Youlookgood,”Isaidsimultaneously.
Webothsmiled.
“Thanks,butit’sprobablyjustthefactthatI’mnotbleedingoutinternally.”Sheshruggedplayfully.
“Youwerelookingalittlepalethereforaminute.”IflashedasmileandtookasipofmyCoke.
“Idon’trememberanythingaftergettingtotheedgeoftheriver,”shesaidquietly,wipingthecondensationfromherglass.
“But…”Mybrowfurrowed.“Yousworeyoureternalloveanddevotiontome.Youpromisedwe’dhavethreekidsandeverything.”Shit,itwashardtokeepastraightface.
Shedidn’teventry,hereyesdancinginthesoftoutdoorlighting.“Veryfunny.”
Itookadeepbreath,sortingthroughmymemoriesofthatday.Thiswasallsoincrediblysurreal.“Wegotyoutoatreesoyoucouldsitdown,”Ibegan,andthenItoldhereverythingIcouldremember.
“Yousavedmylife,”shesaidwhenIgottothepartabouttheambulance.
“Nah.Technicallythatwastheparamedics.”
“Thereyouare!”Fitzcalledout,comingacrossthepatio.“Youdisappeared.”HeglancedatIzzy’sshirt.“Withamemberofthebridalparty,Isee.”
“Izzy,thisisFitz.”Itookadrink.
Izzystuckherhandout,andFitzshookit.“Hi,Fitz.I’mIsabeauAstor.I’mNate’swife.”
IslammedmyhandovermymouthtokeepfromspittingCokeacrossthetable.
“Hiswife?”Fitzraisedhisbrowsatme.“DoJustinandJulianknowaboutthis,seeingasthey’rehisbestfriends?”
RowellandTorresdefinitelydidn’tknowI’dliedmywayintoanambulanceforawoman.
“Accordingtomymedicalrecords,”Izzysaidwithalaughthatwokeupeveryemotioninmybody,eventheonesI’ddonemybesttoshutoffwhenwe’ddeployed.
Somehow,Imanagedtoswallowwithoutmakinganassoutofmyself.“Ithoughtyousaidyoudidn’trememberanything.”
“Mysistertoldme.”Sheleanedbackinherseat.
“Yoursisterhadtotellyouthatyouweremarried?”Fitzasked,leaninghiselbowsonthetable.“Please,dogoon.Phelanoverheretellsusnexttonothingabouthimself.”
“IliedtotheparamedicssoIcouldgetintotheambulancewithher,”Iexplained.
“Afterthecrash,”Izzyfinished.“Weweresittingnexttoeachotherwhentheplanewentdown.”
Fitz’sheadwhippedinmydirection.“Youwereinafuckingplanecrash?”
Ishrugged.
“Howdidyouthinkhegot…”Izzyleanedoverthetable,reachingformyhat,andIdippedmyheadsoshecouldtakeit.Sheremovedmyhatwithonehandandpushedtheshortstrandsofmyhairupwiththeother,nodoubtshowingFitzthescarhe’dseenmultipletimesoverthelasttwoyears.“That?Iknewyou’dhaveascar!”
“Elevenstitches,”Itoldher.
“Yougotthatscarinaplanecrash?”Fitz’svoicecracked.
“Yep,”Izzysaid,puttingmyhatbackbeforesittingdown.
“Ithoughtwewerefriends!”Heclutchedhischest.
“Weare,”Iassuredhim.
“Friendstellfriendswhenthey’vebeeninplanecrashes,”helectured.
“Torresknows.”Ishruggedagain.
“Okay,nowthatjusthurts.”Hegotallmelodramatic,staggeringlikeI’dwoundedhim.“YoutoldTorres,butnottherestofus?”
“MaybeIwassavingthestory.”
“Forwhat?Thisdeploymentinsteadofthelastone?”
“Thisdeployment?”Izzyasked,andtheworryinhereyesmademychestclench.Nooneworriedaboutmeexceptmymom.
Themoodimmediatelychanged.
“Yeah.”Inodded.“We’releavingsoon.”
“When?”Twolittlelinesappearedbetweenherbrows.
“Reallysoon.”Thedayaftertomorrow,butthatwasn’tpublicknowledge.
Fitzclearedhisthroat.“Well,I’mgoingtoheadbackinsidesoIcanwatchRowellbeattheshitoutofTorresonthetable.Itwasnicetomeetyou,Mrs.Phelan.”
“Technically,he’sMr.Astor,”shecorrectedhimwithasmilethatdidn’tquitereachhereyes.
“Notsurprised.Myman’sagoodguy.Alwaysbeenatruefeminist.”Fitzclappedmeontheshoulderandheadedinside.
Foramoment,thesoundofcrashingwavesovertookthemusicfrominsidethebar.
“Canyoutellmewhereyou’regoing?”sheasked.
“Afghanistan.”Ithadbeenalloverthenews,soitwasn’tlikeIwasviolatingOPSECoverhere.
Herfacefell.“Andyou’vealreadybeenthereonce?”
Inodded.“Wegotbackalittleunderayearago,butIjoinedtheunitalittlelate,andleftalittleearly,soIwasn’ttherethefulltime.”AnIEDhadendedthatdeploymentamonthearlyforme,butatleastIwasalive.
“Andyou’realreadygoingback?”Hereyesflared.“Howisthatfair?”
“Fairisn’tawordthatreallyplaysintomilitarylife.”Ishiftedmyweight.
“That’swhatyou’redoinghere,huh?”Shegesturedtothebar.“Lettingloosebeforeyouleave?”
“Yeah.We’restationedatHunter.It’saboutahalfhourfromhere.”Itooktheobviousopeningforasubjectchange.“AndyouliveinDC,butyou’rehereforabacheloretteparty?”
“IjustmovedtoDCforlawschool.”
Ididthemath,anditdidn’taddup.“Shouldn’tyoubeaseniorthisupcomingyear?”
“Igraduatedayearearly.”Sheshruggedlikeitwasnobigdeal,butthenshelookedaway,concentratingasecondtoolongonhersoda,andIknewitwas,andnotinagoodway.“Anyway,MargoisfromSavannah,andshewantedherbachelorettepartytobecloseforhersisters,sincetheweddingisinSyracusenextmonth.Weflyouttomorrowmorning.”
“Andwejusthappentobeinthesameplaceatthesametimeforalloftwelvehours.”Icouldn’tstoplookingather,takingcaretomemorizeeverydetailofherbeautifulface.Thereweresubtlechangeshereandthere,theresultoftwoandahalfyearspassing,butshelookedexactlylikeIrememberedher.“Talkaboutcoincidence.”
“Serendipity,”shesaidwithasmilethatwentstraighttomydick.Anyotherplace,anyothertime,Iwouldhaveaskedherout.
Butshelivedoverfivehundredmilesaway,andIwasdeploying.
“Ididn’twanttoleaveyou.”Thewordsslippedout.
Hereyeswidened.
“Atthehospital,”Iclarified.“Iwantedtostayuntilyouwereawake,toknowyou’dmadeitoutokay.Buttherecruitersshowedupforme.”
“Serenatoldme.”Shesighed.“Icouldn’trememberyourname.Everythingwasalittlefuzzythankstotheconcussion.ImadeoutNathanielonmyhospitalrecords—yourhandwritingissomethingelse,bytheway—andthenyourbagshowedup,andunderthislittleflap,N.Phelanwaswritten.Theairlinewouldn’tgiveoutcontactinformation,andyou…youdon’texistonline.Nosocialmedia.Nothing.Ilooked.”
“Notafanofrandompeoplewatchingahighlightreelofmylife.”She’dlookedforme.Me.Aguywhoseparentsdidn’tevenbothertoshowupformygraduationfrombasicorrangerschool,notthatIblamedMomforthat.
“Didyouatleastgetaphone?”Shearchedasinglebrow.
Ishiftedtothesideandpulledmyphonefrommybackpocket,slidingitacrossthetableasproof.
Shecaughtitandgrinned,hittingthehomebutton.Itlituphersmile,andshetappedatit.“Therewego.”Shehandeditback.“Itextedmyself—thatwayIcanatleastgetyouraddresstoreturnyourstuff.Andcanwetalkaboutyourtasteinmusic?”
“Keepthestuff.YouhaveaproblemwithPanic!attheDisco?”Iasked,slidingthephonebackintomypocket.
“No,actually.That’sonebandyouturnedmeonto,butRadiohead?PearlJam?Didyoueverleavethenineties?”sheteased.
“Hey,halfthemusiconthatiPod’sfromthiscentury.Ithink?”Mybrowfurrowed.“Shit,Ican’tremember.”
“Ido.Icannameeverysinglesong.”Shesippedherdrink.
“Canyou,now?”Damn,itfeltgoodtosmile,andnotoneofthosefakeones,buttoreally,honestlysmile.ThiswastheonlythingI’dforgottenabouther:howeffortlessithadbeentotalktoherinthoseminuteswe’dbeendelayedonthetarmac.
Sheputherfirstfingerup.“Panic!attheDisco,‘NorthernDownpour.’”Sheputupasecondfinger.“Radiohead,‘Creep,’”shestarted,thenshockedtheshitoutofmebynamingeverysinglesong.
“Andoutofallthose,whatwasyourfavorite?”Iasked.
“‘NorthernDownpour.’”Shesmiled.“Irememberyoudoingthattoo.Askingmequestionstodistractme.”
“MaybeIwasjusttryingtogettoknowyoubetter.”
“Fine.Thenitgoesbothways.Whichoutofthoseisyourfavorite?”
“Same,ironically.‘NorthernDownpour.’”
Wespentthenextfewhoursoutthere,talkingaboutmusicandbooks.Shefilledmeinonhowcollegehadgoneforher,andItoldherabouttheclassesI’dmanagedtotakeduringtheyearwehadn’tbeeninthesandbox.
Ideflectedeverysinglequestionaboutthedeployment,notbecauseshedidn’tdeservereciprocityasshesharedthedetailsofherlife,butbecauseIdidn’twantthatshittyyeartoclaimsomuchasasecondofthetimeIhadwithher.
Thehourspassedwiththeeaseofbreathing,andwheneveryonewasreadytoleave—everyoneexceptus—wesomehowmanagedtosaygoodbye.
Ihuggedherclose,thegirlI’dsurvivedtheimpossiblewith,thegirlIwouldhavegivenmyrightarmtoactuallyhaveashotwith.“Flysafetomorrow,okay?Iwon’tbetheretohaulyououtthroughtheemergencyexit.”
“I’lltrymybest.”Shesighedandhuggedmeback,fittingagainstmewiththekindofperfectionthatdidn’texistinmyworld.“Don’tdieoverthere.”
“I’lltrymybest.”Irestedmychinonthetopofherheadandclosedmyeyes,breathinginthescentofsaltair,lemons,andaperfumeIcouldn’tplacebutwouldneverforget.
Itfeltlikeshe’dtakenbackthemissingpieceI’dfoundwhenIsawhertonightasshewalkedawaywithhergirlfriends,headedtowardthevacationrentalshe’dtoldmeaboutearlier.
ShewasnearlyoutofsightwhenTorresandRowellfinallywalkedoutofthebarafterpayingtheirtabs.
“Dude!”Fitzexclaimed.“YouguysmissedPlaneCrashGirl!”
“What?”Torrestookonelookatmyfaceandthentrackedmylineofsight.
“ThatwasIzzy.”Iwatcheduntilsheturnedthecorner.
“Noshit?”Torres’seyesflaredwide.“ImissedmeetingtheoneandonlyIsabeau?Isawyououtonthepatio,butIdidn’twanttointerruptifyouwerehittingon…”Heshookhishead.“Thatwasseriouslyher?”
“Seriouslyher.”Inodded.
“Whatfuckingplanecrash?”Rowellasked,andweheadedtothecar.
ItoldthemthestoryasIdesignateddrovehalftheirassesbacktopostwhileFitztooktheothers.
Ittookmehourstogettosleepthatnight,andonceIdid,Idreamedabouther.Noplane.Noriver.Noambulances.Justher.
MyphonerangthenextmorningasIfinishedmyrun,andIdidn’trecognizetheareacode,butIanswered,mychestheavingfromtheninemilesI’djustcovered.“Hello?”
“Nate?”
Thesmileonmyfacewasinstantaneous.“Izzy?”
“Yeah.”Shelaughednervously.“Look,you’renotleavingtoday,areyou?”
“No.”Istaredatthestackofboxesinmybarracksroom,alreadypackedforstorage.“Why?Everythingokay?”Jugglingthephone,IstrippedoffmyshirtandthrewitinthepileofthelastloadoflaundryI’ddotonight.
“Ididn’tgetontheplane.”CHAPTERELEVEN
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
IhadjustpulledmyKevlarovermyheadandfastenedtheVelcrowhenthreepoundingknockssoundedonmybedroomdoor.Therewasamore-than-furiouswomanwaitingformeontheothersidewhenIopenedit.
“Whatthehelldoyoumean,I’mnotgoingwithyou?”Izzyyelledupatme,herhandsfistedonherhips.Shewasdressedforanotherdayintheoffice,inblacklinenslacksandablousethatcutacrosshercollarbone,buttheheelsmademesmile.Andthatperfume?SworetoGod,IzzywastheonlywomanIknewwhocouldpulloffChanelinafuckingwarzone.
“HowdoyouevenknowI’mgoinganywhere?”Iasked,bracingonehandonthedoorframeandtheotheronthehandleofthedoor.
Sheglaredupatme,hereyeslingeringonmycombatgear,andthenshehoistedabrow.“BecauseOrangeorBlue,whateverthehellhisnameissupposedtobe,toldmethathe’dbestandingguardoutsidetheconferenceroomtodaywhilewework,andI’mmorethanawarethatyouwouldn’tswitchoutbabysittersunlessyouwereleaving,”shesnapped,fireinhereyes.
“One,itwasSergeantBlack.Two,we’renotgoingtoargueinthehallwaylikeapairofdramaticcollegekids.”
“Finebyme.”Sheduckedundermyarmandmarchedintomyroom,foldingherarmsacrossherchestasshetookinthespace.Itwasn’tasuitelikehers,justasinglewithaprivatebathroom,whichwasthenext-bestthingIhadtobeingstateside.Asaccommodationscame,thiswastheRitz-CarltonofAfghanistan.
AsighrippedthroughmylipsasIrecognizedthattherewasnothrowingIzzyoutofmyroomwithoutmakingabiggerscene,andIshutthedoortogiveusprivacy.“IthoughtyouwantedtogetSerenaback.Ipulledashittonofstringstomakeaflighthappen,andI’mgoingtoseeifshe’sstillupthere,hencewhyIaskedSergeantBlacktokeepaneyeonyousincenoneofyourentouragehasmeetingstoday.”
Weweresupposedtobebackontheroad—orinthesky—tomorrow,butgiventhestateofthecountry,IwashopingIcouldtalkherontoaplanehomeinsteadifIbroughtSerenaback.
“I’mgoingwithyou.”Sheliftedherchin.
“Youhavezeroreasontogowithme.”Ishookmyhead.“It’snothappening.”
“Youdon’tgettotellmewhereIgo!”
Istalkedforwarduntilthetoesofmybootstouchedthetipsofherhighheels.“That’sexactlywhatIgettodoastheheadofyoursecurity.Remember,youagreedtolistentoeveryorderoutthere,”Isaid,pointingtothedoor.“Youonlygettothrowyourfitsinhere.”
Herjawdropped.“Iamnotthrowingafit,NathanielPhelan.”
“Youare.”Acornerofmymouthquirkedup.“Whetheryoulikeitornot,Isabeau,you’reaseniorcongressionalaide,whichmeansunlessyouhaveareasontoputyourselfinharm’sway,thenI’mnotgoingtodangleyouinfrontoftheenemylikeatastylittletarget.”
“AndifIdohaveareason?”
“Youdon’t.IchangedyouritinerarythismorningthesecondIreadthereportsthatitlookslikeKunduzisgoingtofalltoday.”Acoupleofhoursago,I’dhadhercurledupinmylap,whichwassomethingIdesperatelytriedtoforget.Ithadbeenasliponmypart,butthesecondI’dseenherkneelingonthatfloor,shakinglikealeaf,I’dactedoninstinct,justlikealwayswhenitcametoher.“There’szerochanceyou’rekeepingthatmeeting.”
Sheswallowedandnodded.“WhichIappreciate,asmuchasIhateit.”Closinghereyes,sherubbedthebridgeofhernose.
“Infact,I’dfeelentirelybetterifyouallgotyourpolishedassesonaplaneandabandonedthiswholetrip.Cutyourlosses,Izzy,”Iblatantlybegged.
“Wehaveajobtodo,”sheretorted.“SenatorLaurenisstillcomingnextweek—”
“Whichisamistake.”IsteppedbacksoIcouldgetabreakfromtheperfectsweetnessofherperfumeinvadingmylungs.“Thiscountryisgoingtofallahellofalotfasterthanforecasted.”
“Reportssaidwehavesixtotwelvemonths,”sheargued,butthepursingofherlipstoldmesheknewIwasn’tblowingsmoke.
“Yeah,well,ItrustwhatI’mseeinginaplaceIknowprettydamnedwellmorethansomeone’sbest-case-scenarioanalysisofitfromhalfaworldaway,andwhat’sgoingonoutthere”—Ipointedtomywindow—“isnotthebest-casescenario.”
“I’mnotstupid,Nate.Iknowthat.”Panicflaredinhereyes.“ButSerenaisupthere.”
“AndIknowwhatSerenalookslike.I’vealreadygotfeelersoutinthearea,sobythetimeIgetthere,hopefullysomeonewillhavetrackedherdown.I’llbebackbeforedinner.”
“Shemightnotrecognizeyou,”shefiredback.
“Oh,comeon,that’sthebestargumentyou’vegot?”Icockedabrowather,andshedroppedhergaze,butitwasn’tinthatYou’vewonwayI’dseenbefore,oreventheFine,I’llgiveinway.No…thatemotionbeneaththosefurrowedbrowswasguilt.“Whatdidyoudo,Isabeau?”
Sheswallowed.“Mazar-i-Sharifisstillsafe.”
Myeyesflared.“You’reshittingmeifyouthinkthat.SheberghanfelltotheTalibanyesterday.IntelindicatesnotonlyisKunduzProvincebeingoverrun,butalsoSar-ePol,andTakhar.Whatdothoseallhaveincommon,Izzy?”
“I’mnotgoingtosithereandwaitforyoutoseeifyoucanfindher.Youmightnotbeabletoconvincehertoleavethecountry,butIwill.Findinghermeansnothingifwecan’tgetheronthehelicopter,”sheargued,butthattone…shewasn’ttellingmeeverything.
“Thoseprovincesareallinthenorth,”Isaid,ignoringherreasoning.Maybeitmademeanass,butIwasn’tagainsthog-tyingSerenaandthrowingherovermyshoulderifitmeantIzzygotthehelloutofthiscountry.“IfSamanganfalls,thatleavesBalkhProvince—Mazar-i-Sharif—cutoff.Doyouunderstandthat?”
“Iunderstandthateverydayshestaysthere,she’sindangerofnevergettingout,soIdidwhatIhadtodo.”
Shechangedtheitinerary.Isawitinherfrustratinglybeautifuleyes.MystomachhittheflooratthesamemomentWebb’svoicecameacrosstheradioinmyear.
“SergeantGreen.”
Itappedthebuttontospeak.“Greenhere.”
“Yourdeparturehasbeenpushedbacktogivetheaidesenoughtimetoassemble,sincetheitineraryjustchanged,andthey’renowmeetingwithleadershipandagroupofstrandedAmericansinMezatnoon.”
Ididn’ttakemyeyesfromIzzy’s.“Andwethinkthat’ssafe,sir?”
“OrdersarecomingstraightfromSenatorLauren’soffice.Apparently,shehasconstituentsinthatgroup,andwe’regoingtoevacthem.”
“Acknowledged.”Fuck.My.Life.IgotofftheradioandleanedintoIzzy’sspace.“Youwentbehindmyback.”
“Yes,”shewhispered,dragginghertongueoverherlowerlipnervously.“Butwe’resaving—”
“No,”Isnapped.“Noexcuses.Yougobehindmybackagain,andI’mdone.”Shewasputtingherselfdirectlyindanger,anditatethroughmyveinslikeacid.Serenawouldhavedonethesameforher,butIwasn’tirrevocablyinlovewithSerena.JustIzzy.AlwaysIzzy.“Youtrustme,orthisdoesn’twork.”
Iwantedthewordsbackassoonastheyleftmymouth,becausethat’sexactlywhyitdidn’tworkbetweenustobeginwith.Notthatthereeverhadbeenanus.WhatIzzyandIhadbeenwasundefinable.
“Ijust—”shestarted.
“Youtrustme,orthisdoesn’twork,”Irepeated.
Shenodded.“I’msorry.”
“You’llwanttoditchtheheels.”Iopenedmydoorandpointedtothehallway.
Twohourslater,webuckledintooneoffourBlackhawksheadedforMez,accompaniedbyaChinook.
“Won’ttheChinookholdusback?”Holtyelledoverthenoiseofwhirringrotors.
“They’refasterthanweare,”Kellmanyelledback,checkinghischarge’sbelt.Naturally,threeoftheotheraideshaddecidedtocomeforthe“fact-finding,”oncethetriphadbeenannounced.Politiciansneverseemedtomindsendingtheirunderlingsintosituationstheywouldn’tchancethemselves.
Izzybeltedherselfinacrossfromme,hermovementssmooth,withnohintofherfearofflying.Theput-togetherwomaninfrontofmelookednothinglikethedevastatedwomanI’dpickedupoffthefloorthismorning.Thiswomanwasaconsummateprofessional,dressedintheoppositeofhersleepshortsandtanktop.Thenshewhite-knuckledtheseatcushions,andIsawthecrackinherfacade.
Leaningoutofmyseat,IslippedmyAirPodsintoherearsagain.
Hergazelockedwithmine,anddamnifmypulsedidn’tquicken,becausethatlook,thesameoneshe’dhadaswe’dheldhandsduringthatcrashtenyearsago—scaredandsomehowtrusting—madeherfeellikemineagain.Butthatringflashinginthesunwasanevisceratingreminderthatshewasn’tmine.Ifthewayshe’dreactedtothatphonecallyesterdaywasanyindication,shebelongedtosomeonenamedJeremy.ApparentlyJeremywasgoodenoughforher.Stableenoughforher.Richenoughtoappeaseherparents,too,judgingbythesizeofthatrock.
IaddedJeremytomylistofdouchebagfratboynames,rightuptherewithChadandBlake.Butdoucheornot,hewastheoneshe’dchosen.Iwasjusttheonewillingtoflyintoacombatzoneforher.Itdidn’tmatterhowmuchtimehadpassed;Icouldn’tseemtoletgo.Itwasn’therfaultthatIstilllovedher.Itwasmine.
Ihandedovermycellphonesoshecouldpickwhatshewantedtolistento.
Youchoose,shemouthed,handingitback,remindingmetoomuchofthosesun-drencheddaysinSavannah.Pressuresettledinmychest,andIscrolledthroughmyplaylist,pickingthesongthatfit.
ThehelicopterlaunchedasIhitplayontheacousticversionof“ThisIsGospel,”andhereyeswidened.Shelookedawayrightwhenthechoruswouldhavehit,andIheardthelyricsaboutaskingtobeletgoofinmyownheadassurelyasifI’dhadoneoftheAirPodsin—thatwashowwellIknewthesong.Itwasanotheroneofherfavorites.
ButIwastheonewhoneededtoletgo.
“Wecanonlywaitanothertenminutes,”ItoldIzzyasshelookedovertheemptyingroomwe’dcommandeeredatMazar-i-Sharif’sairport.Theachinglookofexpectationonherfacemademychestgotight.
“Tenminutesmightbetoolong,”Torresmutteredashewalkedby.
Iwasn’tgoingtorisktakingherintothecity,orfartherthanatwo-minuterunfromthebirds.TheAmericansandthosewhoqualifiedfortheSIVshadmethereoverthelastthreehours,discussingtheirevacuationneedswhilerepresentativesoftheleadershipgavetheirreportstothecongressionalaides.
ThefewdozenwhohadtheirvisasandwantedimmediateevacuationwerealreadyloadedintotheChinook,andtherewereonlyafewstragglersleft,pickinguppaperworkthatIzzyandtheothershadbroughttohelpspeedupthevisaprocess.
“Andyouwon’tletmegooutlooking?”Izzyaskedagain,hopedimminginhereyes.
“GoingoutthereandshoutingSerena’snamefromtherooftopsisn’tgoingtogetyouthereactionyouwant.”Ibothhatedandwasgratefulforhernaivete.ItmeantI’ddonemyjobkeepingthehorrorsofwarawayfromher…untilshe’dcomeseekingthem.“Accordingtothecontactswehavehere,sheknowsthere’ssomeonewhowantstoseeher.”
“Butyoudidn’tsayitwasme?”Izzy’sgazewhippedfromtheretreatingbackofthecivilianshe’djustfinishedhelpingacrossthetabletomine.
“Youmean,didIadvertisethatanaidetoaUnitedStatescongresswomanwasoutheresearchingforaneedleinahaystack?No,Ididnot.BecauseIlikeyoualive.”
Shestoodandglaredatme,herchairsqueakingagainstthelinoleumfloor,andInotedthereactionsofeverypersonintheroomwhowasn’tpartofmyteamorhers.Therewereonlyafewnow,andtheywereheadedforthedoor,sinceGrahamhadstartedshuttingtheplacedown.
“I’mnotgoingtoleaveherhere,”Izzyhissed,keepinghervoicelow.
Ishottheinterpreterathersideaglance,andhebackedaway,givingusspace,butTorreshovered.HealwayshoveredwhenhesensedIwasabouttoblow.
“Youwillifshe’snothereintenminutes.”Ileanedin.“Youpromisedyou’ddoasIaskedouthere,andI’mholdingyoutoit.We’releavingintenminutes,whetherornotSerenaisonboard.”
Izzy’sbodytensedandhereyesnarrowedatme.“Andspendthenext…howeverlongwonderingifshe’saliveordead?WonderingifIcouldhavedoneorsaidsomethingthatcouldhavebroughtherhome?No,Na—”Shegrimacedbutrecoveredquickly.“SergeantGreen,I’mnotgoingtodothat,notagain.”
“Idon’tthinkshe’stalkingabouthersisteranymore,”Torreswhisperedbeforebackingaway.
“Pointmade,”Ireplied,andsheliftedherstubbornlittlechin.“Ms.Astor,”Istartedagain,droppingmyvoice,morethanawareofthepeoplearoundus,“youcan’tcontrolthedecisionsotherpeoplemake,nordoyoubeartheblamefortheconsequencesoftheirchoices.”Thefactthatwe’dmadeitthisfarwithouthavingthisdiscussionwasamiracle,butIsureashellwasn’tgettingintothisusingsomecodelanguage,andthiswasfarfromtheappropriateplace.
“Yousureaboutthat?”Shewrappedherarmsaroundherwaist,carefulnottocatchtheprintedsilkscarfthatcoveredherhair.“BecauseI’vehadafewyearstothinkaboutit,andI’mprettysureifI’djustlookedatsomeoneandsaid,‘Pleasecomehome,’maybetheywouldhave.”Hereyessearchedmine,andIstruggledtopickmyheartupoffthegoddamnedfloor.
She’dneverasked.Notoutright.Thenagain,I’dnevergivenherareasontothinkIwouldhavestayed.
“Hey,Isa,youreadytoheadout?”Holtaskedashewalkedover,stoppingtoglancebetweenus,hisperfectlygroomedeyebrowsrising.“DidIinterrupt?”
“No,”Ianswered.
“Yes,”Izzyfiredback.
“Okay,well,I’mgoingtoheadoutwithBakerandTurner,”hesaid,retreatingslowly.
Kellmanwhistledashewalkedby,herdingHoltoutthedoorbehindus,leavingonlyGrahamandacoupleotheroperatorsintheroom.IfIhadn’tpromisedherthesetenminutes,Izzywould’vebeenbuckledinontheBlackhawkbynow.
“Didyoueverthinkaboutme?”shequestioned,hervoicedroppingtoawhisper.
Iclenchedmyjaw,fightingofftheurgetotellherthetruth.Everyfuckingday.
“That’saloadedquestion,”Iansweredfinally.
Sheblinked.“Notlikethat.Imean,didyoueverthinkaboutwhatitfeltliketositthereforyearsandwonderifyouwereouttheresomewherefighting,orifyou’d…died?”Thelastwordcameoutstrangled.“DoyouhaveanyideahowmanytimesIcriedmyselftosleep,terrifiedofthepossibilitythatyouwereburiedsomewhere?ThatIwouldn’tevenknowwheretovisityourgrave?”
Shit.Mystomachdropped,andIblewoutaslowbreath,morethanawareofmyteamtryingtogiveusspace.“Thisisn’tthetime.”
“It’sneverthetime,”sheretorted.“Thatwasalwaystheproblem,soIguessit’snicetoknowsomethingsdon’tchange.Youaskmetoignore”—shegesturedbetweenus—“everything,andthenyougoandpullthatbullshitbyplayingthatsonginthehelicopter?Sorry,SergeantGreen,butnotallofusarecapableofwalkingawaywithoutsomuchaslookingbacklikeyouare.Butyoumovedrightontothenextassignment,didn’tyou?”
Grahamraisedhiseyebrowswherehestoodatthemiddleoftheroom,thenturnedhisbackonuswhenIsentaglarehisway.
“Itlookslikeyoumovedonjustfine,”Iwhispered,glancingmeaningfullytoherring.
Sheswallowed,thentuckedherlefthandintoherelbow,hidingthering,andshehadthedecencytolook…shit,whatwasthat?Remorseful?“Everyday,”shesaidquietly.“IsearchedyournameonGoogleeverygoddamnedday,SergeantGreen,terrifiedthatanobituarywouldpopup.Don’tforgetthatyouwerethefirsttermIeverusedforaGoogleAlert.ItwilldestroymeifIhavetodothesameforSerena.”
Ilookedaway,myribssqueezingmylungspainfullyattheimageryshe’dused.Thatalerthadsavedmysanityinthepast.Shehadsavedmysanity.IowedhermorethanI’deverbeabletorepayinthatdepartment,butthatdidn’tmeanIwaswillingtoevisceratemyselfbythrowingourrelationshipontheautopsytable.TherewerethingsI’dneverbeabletosaytoher,neverrevisitorrehashjustsoshecouldhavesomeofthatpreciousclosureeveryoneprattledonabout.Butthis?ThisIcouldgiveher.
“Ineverchangedmynextofkinform,”Itoldhersoftly,loweringmyvoicesoonlyshecouldhear,sincewe’dsomehowgottenbacktodamn-nearyelling.
“What?”Sheblinked.
“Ineverchangedthepaperwork.”Ishookmyhead.“Ifanythinghadeverhappenedtome,someonewouldhavetoldyou.Probablynotthedetailsofwhere,orhow,orwhy.ButtheywouldhavetoldyouIwasdead.Thoughitmighthavetakenacoupledaystotrackyoudown,sincethelastaddressIhadforyouwasinNewYork.”
Herentireexpressionsoftened,andthesorrowradiatingfromhereyesslicedintomewithlethalprecision.
“Sonowyou’llknowwhenyouheadbacktoyourreallife,”Icontinued,myhandscurlingatthethoughtofthegiantrockonherlefthand.“Nonewsisgoodnews.Unlessyouwantmetochangeit,giventhatyourlastnameprobablywon’tbeAstorforlong,anditmightmakethefiancéwonderwhyyou’regettingnotified—”
“No.”Sheshookherheadvehemently.“Don’tchangeit.Imean,unlesssomeonecomesalongwhoneedstoknowmorethanIdo,ofcourse.”Sheshiftedherweightandglancedawaybeforeslowlydragginghergazebacktomine.“Istheresomeoneelsewhoshouldknow?”
“Rightthroughhere,”Elstonsaidashepushedthroughthefrontdoor,savingmetheawkwardnessofreplyingtoIzzy.
“Thankyou,SergeantRose,”afemalevoicerepliedfrombehindhim.
AvoiceIrecognized.Myheadswunginthedirectionofthedoorasmypulseleaptwithhopethatthishadactuallyworked
Izzytookoffrunning,andIdidn’tbothertostopherasshedodgedthetablesandblewbyGraham.Elstonbarelygotoutofherwaybeforesheflungherselfatthewoman.“Serena!”CHAPTERTWELVE
IZZY
TybeeIsland,Georgia
June2014
“Ineverwouldhavetakenyouforacookiesandcreamkindofguy,”Isaid,takingalickofmytwoscoopsofbutterpecanasNateandIwanderedTybeeaimlessly.I’dtossedmyhairupintoamessybuntocombatthehumidity,leavingmyneckandshouldersbaretotheJunesun.
“Neverwouldhavetakenyouforan‘icecreamattena.m.’girl,buthereweare,”hereplied,flashingthatdamneddimple.Andhiseyes?Yeah,thosewerestilljustasheartstoppingasI’dremembered.
Wecrossedthestreet,andhisfingersskimmedmylowerbackasheswitchedplaceswithmeonthesidewalk,walkingclosertothestreet.Onascaleofonetoten,thatwasafreakingtwelveonthesexiestthingsaguycoulddothatweren’tsexual,whichwasn’thelpingmypulsesettle.
SomethingwithinmehadshiftedthesecondI’drecognizedhimlastnight,andasmuchasIwantedtogobacktobeingwhoIwasyesterday,Icouldn’t,notwhenIhadtheinexplicable,chaotic,senselessfeelingthatIwassomehowtetheredtothisman.
ThemanI’dcalledfromtheairporttwohoursago,sittingonmysuitcaseoutsidethedeparturesdoorwhileMargowatchedon,worriedthatI’dendupstranded.
Ihadn’tworried.Notforonesecond.Hehadn’tleftmeinthatairplaneorabandonedmeintheriver.NatehadshownmeeverythingIneededtoknowabouthischaractertwoandahalfyearsago.WhichalsomeantIwasterrifiedmyimpetuousnesshadwreckedhisday.
“YousureIdidn’truinyourplansfortheday?”Ilookedupathimfrombehindmycone.“Iwasn’texactlythinkingrationallywhenIchangedmyflightthismorning.ItwasjustthatIwasstandingthere,watchingtheothergirlschecktheirbags,andIcouldn’tdoit.”OhGod,Iwasbabbling,andtherewasnostoppingtheflowofwords.“Icouldn’tleaveiftherewaseventheslightestchanceIcouldspendfivemoreminuteswithyou.AndIknowthatsounds”—mynosescrunched—“creepy.Andit’sworsebecauseIdidn’tevenbothertoaskifyouwereseeinganyonelastnight,andwhoknows?Maybeyouhaveagirlfriend,andnowI’vejustthrownanentirewrenchintoyourplans—”
“Izzy,”heinterrupted,liftinghisbrowsunderhisSaintLouisBluesballcapandcuppingmybareshoulderwithhishand.Crap,histouchfeltnice.“Idon’thaveagirlfriend.IfIdid,Iwouldhavetoldyoulastnight,andIwouldn’tbeherewithyounow.”Acornerofhismouthliftedintoasmirk,andmythighstightened.“OratleastIwouldn’thaveagirlfriendanymore.”
Didthatmeanhefeltwhateverthispullwasbetweenustoo?“So,Ididn’truinyourplansbyupendingmine?”
Heshookhishead.“ThereisnothingbetterIcouldpossiblyimaginethanspendingmylastdaystatesidewithyou.Aslongasyoustopmockingmycookiesandcream,consideringyouhavetheicecreamtastesofaneighty-year-oldwoman.”
“Donot,”Iscoffedindefenseofmyfavoriteflavor.
Lastdaystateside.Hewasleavingtomorrow.Mystomachdropped.
“It’sbutterpecan,”heteased.“It’sbeenaroundsincethelateeighteenhundreds.It’slikethegrandmotherofallothericecreamflavors.”Hetookabiteoutofmyownselection.
“It’saclassic.”Ilickedupthesideofmycone,andhiseyesflared,trackingthemovement.
“Istillcan’tbelieveyou’rehere.”Heshookhishead,lookingatmethesamewayIbetIwaslookingathim—withpureawe.
“Same.”Iturned,andwecontinuedtowalk,meanderingdownthepicturesquestreet.
“I’vebeenhereforacoupleyearsnow,somypresenceisn’tthatmuchofasurprise.”Hetookanotherbite.“Youshowingup,that’ssomehappenstance.”
Whodidthat?Actuallybittheiricecream?
Someonewhodoesn’thavetimetoletitmelt.
Thenagain,myeyeshadbeenwaybiggerthanmystomachwhenI’dorderedthis.Ithrewawaytheconeandspottedabookstoreupahead.“Areyoustillmakingyourwaythroughthatlistofbooks?”
“Slowly.”Hetookanotherbite,demolishingwhatwasleft.“It’shardtofindtimetoreadbetweencollegeclassesandpeopleshootingatyou,butI’mmakingadent.”
Ihalted,myeyesflyingwide.
Nateturned,hisbrowfurrowing.“Shit.Iforgetyou’reprobablynotusedtohearingstufflikethat.”
“It’sfine.”Iforcedasmile.Itwasn’t.Notevenclose.Thethoughtofhimbeingshotatwas…incomprehensible.
“It’snot.ForgetIsaidit.”Hetossedwhatwasleftofhisicecreaminthenearbytrashandscannedthestreetaroundus.“Ihaveanidea.”Heheldouthishand.
Itookit.“Leadon.”
Twohourslater,wesatonthewoodendoubleswingonNorthBeach,Nategentlyrockingusasmyfeetstretchedoverhislaptorestontheoppositerailing.TheoneatmybackduginalittleasIscouredthepagesofOutlander,markingmyfavoritelineswithneon-yellowhighlighterashedidthesametoTheirEyesWereWatchingGod,butIdidn’tcare.
Icouldn’tremembereverhavingspentamoreperfectmomentinalltwenty-oneyearsofmylife.
“Ican’tbelievethat’sthebookyouchose,”hemuttered,glancingmywaybeforedraggingthehighlighteracrossoneofhispages.
Hisideahadbeen…swoonworthy.He’dtakenmeintothebookstoreandtoldmetopickoneofmyfavoritebooksthatI’dguesshehadn’treadyet,andhe’ddonethesame,buyingbothandatwo-packofyellowhighlighters.
“Alittleromancewon’thurtyou.”Asmilecurvedmymouthastheoceanbreezeruffledthepagesofthethickpaperback.“Besides,it’sbeingadaptedrightnow.ComesoutinAugust,Ithink.You’llthankmethen.”
“I’llstillbedeployedinAugust.”Thesideofhishandskimmedmykneeasheadjustedhisholdonthebook,andbutterflieskissedtheedgeofmystomach.Iwashyperawareofeverythingabouthim,fromthesubtlysexywayhecurvedthebillofhishattothecarehetookwhilesprayingmedownwithsunscreensoIwouldn’tburninmyjeanshortsandthebikinitopI’dchangedintowhenwethoughtofthebeach.“Andyou’llbestartingupclasses,right?”Heflippedanotherpage,skimmingthecontents.
“Yep,atGeorgetown,”Ianswered,choosingonlythemostromanticoflinestohighlightandimagininghisfacewhenhegottothoseparts.He’dbehalfaworldaway.
“Youdon’tsoundhappyaboutit.”Hisheadtiltedtothesideashelookedatmefromunderhishat.“FromwhatIknow,that’saprettystellarschool.”
“Itis.”Ishieldedmyeyesfromthesunwithmyhandtoseehisfaceclearer.“Andit’snotthatI’mnotgratefultohavebeenaccepted;it’sjust…”Asighdeflatedmyshoulders,andIlookedoutovertheSundayfamiliesplayingonthebeach.
Heshifted,andhishandsframedmyfaceforaheartbeatwhenhesethishatonmyhead.“Forthesun.”
“Thankyou.”Ismiledatthesweetgesture,myfingersskimmingthebrim.“I’veneverwornyoursweatshirt,”Iblurted.Shit,IshouldhavetakenmyADHDmedstoday,butitwasaweekend,andIthoughtI’djustbeflying,andtheyalwayskilledmyappetite,andsometimesIjustwantedtosnackforthefunofit,andnowIwassayingwhatevercametomind.
“Youshould,”hesaid.“Wearit,Imean.You’vehaditlongerthanIdidnow,anyway.SamewiththebagandtheiPod.They’reprettymuchyours.”Hisdimplemadeanappearance,andmypulseskittered.“Infact,I’mofficiallygivingitalltoyou.”
“Youdon’twantmetoshipit?”ItwastheonlyreasonI’dcomeupwithtoaskforhisaddress,sinceIdidn’tthinkhe’dbegettingtextsoverthenextyear—thelengthofthisdeployment.
“No.Ikindofliketheideaofyouwearingit.Aslongasitisn’tallmessedupfromtheriver.”Hegrimaced.“Isitgross?”
“No.”Ilaughed.“It’ssurprisinglynotgross,thoughthewhitepartsaren’texactlyasbrightastheyoncemayhavebeen.Butanythingelseyouhadintheremusthavebeendestroyed,becausethat’sallthatcameback.”
“Didyouevergetyourpurse?”
Inodded.“Itshowedupamonthafteryourbag.IthinkhavingmyIDintherehelped.”
“Iwouldguessso.”Helookedbacktothebook,buthishighlighterhoveredoverthepagewithoutmoving.“Areyoustillafraidofflying?”heaskedsoftly.“I’vealwayswonderedifthecrash…”
“Screwedmeupevenmore?”Ioffered,highlightingaparticularlyracyline.
“Iwasn’tgoingtoputitthatway,butnowthatyoumentionit…”Heshotmeanapologeticlook.
“Ididn’tflyforeighteenmonths,”Iadmitted,skimmingthenextchaptertogettomyfavoriteparts.“Ittookalotoftherapy.Forthatandthenightmares.”Achilltrieditsbesttoworkitswayupmyspinedespitetheclimbingheat.“ButIhavecopingmechanismsforbothnow.”
“Copingmechanisms?”
“Well,yeah.It’snotlikeIcanactuallycontrolthepanicattacks.Wewereactuallyinaplanecrash.Andsure,wegotthebestofaworst-casescenario,butI’llneverbeabletotellmyselfthatthelikelihoodisnexttozeroagain,becausenowthefearisgrounded.”Myeyesnarrowed.“Youneverhadanissueflyingafterwhathappened?”
Heliftedoneshoulderinashrug.“IwasputonthenextflightoutofSaintLouis,soIjust…”Histhroatworkedasheswallowed.“Flew.Itoldmyselfthatiftheuniversewantedmetodieinaplanecrash,Iwouldhave.Iunderstandthenightmares,though.Idothewhole‘Youaren’tthereanymore;you’rehome’affirmationsthingIsawonsometherapist’sYouTube.”
Myeyebrowsshotup.“Sometherapist’sYouTube?”
“Havingyourfilemarkedupbyashrinkisn’texactlygoodinmylineofwork.”Hehighlightedanotherlineandkeptgoing.“IdowhatIhavetointhemomentandthenImoveon.Likeyousaid,”hesaid,lookingoveratme.“Copingmechanism,Iguess.”
“Isthereanythingyou’rescaredof?Therehastobesomething,right?”
“Sure.Becominganythinglikemyfather.”Hereachedtotherightandpulledsomethingoutofhisbackpack.“Gum?”
“No,thanks.”Guessthattopicwasn’tupfordiscussion.
Hepoppedapieceinhismouth,andwespentanotherhourjustlikethat,swingingonthebeach,markingupourfavoritebooksforeachother.
Bythetimewefinished,thesunwashighintheskyandmyskinwasstickywithsweat.“Wanttogetin?”Iaskedhim,noddingtowardthebeach.
“Soundsgoodtome.”Weputthebooksinhisbackpackandwalkedtowardthewater,pickingoutaspotfarfromanyoneelse.Hepulledouttwotowelsfromhisbag,andIliftedmybrows.“It’sthelastofwhathastobepacked,”hesaidinanswertomyunspokenquestion.
Thenwestrippeddown.Forme,itwasasimplematterofshimmyingoutofmyjeanshortsandkickingoffmysandals.
Itriedtokeepmyeyesoffhisbodyashepulledhisshirtoverhishead.Ifailed.Miserably.Butinmydefense,NathanielPhelanhadbeencreatedtobelookedat,tobeadmired,tobeflatoutdrooledover.
HisstomachwascutoutofanAbercrombiead,ropedwithmusclesthatrippledandflexed,andthediagonalridgesthatledtohisboardshortshadmymouthwateringtotracethoselineswithmytongue.Hischestwasbuilt,hisarmsstrong,andeveryinchofhisskinthatIcouldseewastannedtoatouchablebronze.
“Youready?”heasked,satisfactioncurvingmysmilewhenhedidadoubletakeatmeinmybikini.Iwasn’tinhislevelofshape—IhadcurvesthatspoketojusthowmuchtimeI’dspentstudyingthisyear—butthewayhiseyesheatedmademefeel…beautiful.
Itookoffhishatandshookoutmyhair.“Ready.”
Wewalkedintothewater,andIgaspedasthefirstcoldwavehitmysun-warmedstomach.
Natelaughed,thensubmergedcompletelywiththeconfidenceofsomeonewhodidthiswaymoreoftenthanIdid.Whenhestood,thewaterreachedtheelasticofhisboardshorts,andIstared,transfixed,asthewatersluicedoffhim.
ThenIblinkedandsteppedcloser,myhandrisingbutnottouchingthesilverlinesthathadalmostfadedintotheupperridgesofhisabs.“Whathappened?”
Hisjawflexed,butthenhequicklysmiled.“IrupturedmyspleeninAfghanistanlasttour.Nowwehavematchingscars.”
Mygazewidenedbythesecondaswavespushedbyus.“Planecrash?”Itriedtojoke.
“IED.”
Suddenlymybodywasascoldasthewateraroundus.“Youwereblownup?”
“ThevehicleIwasinwasblownup.”Hereachedout,tuckingmyhairbehindmyearswithcoolfingertips.“Don’tlookatmelikethat,Izzy.”
“Likewhat?”Itwasbarelyawhisperasthenextwavehitmealittlehigher.“LikeI’mworried?”
“Mymomworriesenoughforeveryotherpersonontheplanet.Youdon’thaveto.I’mfine.See?”Heputhisarmsoutandturnedslowly,butIdidn’tsavorthesightofhisbarebackandtorsolikeIhadjustafewminutesago.NowIsaweveryplacehecouldbehurt.Everyvulnerableinch.
“Doyoulikeit?”Iaskedwhenhefacedmeagain.“Whatyoudo?”
“I’mgoodatit.”Heshrugged.
“That’snotthesamething.”
“Saysthewomanwhodoesn’tseemtooexcitedtobestartingGeorgetownattwenty-oneyearsold.”Heliftedadarkbrow.
“Noone’stryingtokillme,”Iblurted.
“WhichiswhyIdon’tmindwhatIdo.”Hemovedcloser,hishandpalmingmywaisttosteadymewhenabiggerwavethreatenedtotakemebacktoshore.“Ifnoone’stryingtokillyouhere,thenthatmeansI’mdoingmyjoboverthere.That’showIchoosetolookatit,howIhavetolookatit.”
“Andisthatyourdream?”
“Idon’tfollow.”Hisfingersflexed,andIfoughttokeepfromleaningintohistouch.
“Isthiswhatyou’regoingtodofortherestofyourlife?Isthisyourcareer?”Sayno.Saythatyou’reoutafterthreeyearslikeyousaidontheplane.
“I’mreallygoodatit,Iz,”hesaidsoftly.“I’malreadyaranger.I’llprobablylookatSpecialForcesselectiononcewegetback.MyfriendTorresisalegacy—hisdadwasDelta,andItoldhimI’dthinkaboutgoingthroughtheprocesswithhim.”
Ifhecomesback.
“Yougoingtotellmewhyyou’renotwanderingaroundwithamegawattsmileovergettingintoGeorgetownLaw?”Hechangedsubjects,andIgotthepoint.
“Itwasn’tmydream,that’sall.”Steppingback,Isankbeneaththewater,lettingthepoweroftheinsistentwavesremindmejusthowsmallwebothwereinrelationtotheworldaroundus.ThenIstoodandpushedmyhairoutofmyeyes.
“Whosedreamwasit?”Hisbrowknitaswewadeddeeper,thewaterrestingjustbeneathmybreastsbetweenwaves.
Ilookedawayfromthatpenetratingbluegazeofhis.
“Youdon’thavetotellme.I’llneverpushyouforsomethingyoudon’twanttogive.”Herippedhishandsoverhishair.“It’snotlikeIhavetherighttoknow,anyway.We’veknowneachotherforatotalofwhat?Eighteenhoursifyoucombineallourtimetogether?”
Thathadmeturningbacktowardhim.“Twoandahalfyears,”Isaid,correctinghim.“We’veknowneachothertwoandahalfyears.AndIdidn’twanttograduateearly,butmyboyfriendwasayearolder,andhesaidhewantedmetocomewithhim.”Asourtastefilledmymouth.“AndmyparentsweresothrilledwiththeideathatImightmarryaCovington—”
“Youwereengaged?”Hisgazedroppedtomyhandlikehe’dmissedsomething.“AndwhatthehellisaCovington?”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“AndwhoisaCovington.”Abitterlaughescapedatmyownfoolishness.“God,Ilovethatyoudon’tknow.Lovethatyoucan’ttellmeeverysenatorthat’scomefromhisbranchofthefamily,orwhattheirnetworthis,becausebelieveme,myfathercouldspitthosedetailsoutlikeacomputer.Theideaofmemarryingintoafamilylikethatmadehimpracticallysalivate.It’severythingtheywantforthemselves,thoughthey’dsayit’sforme,andit’swhyheofferedtopayforGeorgetownifIgraduatedSyracuseearlyandwentwith—”
“Dickface,”Natesupplied.“Idon’twanttoknowhisname.Ifhewasstupidenoughtoloseyou,asthetermeximplies,thenhe’sadickface.”
Thistimemylaughterwasanythingbutbitter.“Yeah,wecangowiththat.DickfacegotacceptedtoGeorgetown,too,ofcourse,sowestartedplanning.”Isighed.“Icanevenadmitthatitfeltnicetoliveuptomyparents’expectationsforonce.Theycametograduationandeventhrewagiantparty.Werentedanapartmentclosetocampus,putthedepositdownandeverything…”Myforeheadpuckered.“IshouldhaveknownthesecondSerenatoldmeshedidn’tlikehim.She’safreakishlygoodjudgeofcharacter.”Ibobbedupanddownwiththenextwavenowthatweweredeeper.“Anyway,hewasacceptedoffthewaitlistforYalejustbeforegraduation,andnowhe’sinNewHaven.”
“Heleftyouforaschool?”
“Yep.”Isputteredwhenthenextwavegotthebestofme,andNatepulledmeagainsthisrock-solidtorso.Myheartskippedafreakingbeat,butNate’swassteadyunderthehandthatIsplayedoverhischest.Concentrate.“AndItriedthewhole‘let’sdolongdistance’thing,becauseI’mnaive.Andhe…”Isearchedfortherightwords.“Herespectfullydeclined,seeingthattherewasaplethoraofwomenwhoweren’tnewmoneytochoosefromatYale.”
“Dickface,”Natemuttered.
“Dickface,”Iagreed.Yet,atthatmoment,withthecoolwaterrushingaroundusandNate’swarmskinundermyfingers,Iwasoverwhelmedwithgratitudeformynewlysinglestatus.NatewastheoppositeofeverythingDickfacehadbeen.Hewasopen,brutallyhonest,bravetoafault,andremarkablycarefulwithme.“Myparentshaven’tquiterecoveredfromtheircrushingdisappointmentofnearlymarryingintotheCovingtonfamily.Sonow,I’matGeorgetownbecauseIchasedsomeoneelse’sdream,andIhaven’tquitefiguredoutwhattodowiththat.”
“Findawaytomakeityourown,”hesuggested,liftingmeoffmyfeetwhenthenextwavecame.“Findawaytomakeadifference.”
Emboldenedbythewayheheldme,Ireachedupandranmyfingersthroughhiswethair.Thistimetomorrow,I’dbeinDC,andhe’dbeonhiswaytoawarzone.“IfIcouldmakeadifference,I’dfindawaytokeepyouhere.”
AnemotionIcouldn’tdefinebutthatlookedalotlikelongingpassedoverhisface.“ThatwouldprettymuchtakeanactofCongress.”Hisgazedroppedtomymouth.
“Guessyou’llhavetogothen.I’veneverbeenparticularlyinterestedinpolitics,”Iwhisperedasanotherwavepushedmybodyfirmlyagainsthis.
“Meeither.”Hisarmlockedaroundmyback.“Izzy?”
“Nate?”God,Icouldn’tstoplookingathismouth.
“I’mgoingtokissyou.”Thecertaintyofhiswordsmademyskinflush.
“Ohyeah?”Iranmytongueovermylowerlip,tastingsalt.
“Yeah.”Heloweredhisheadslowly,givingmemorethanenoughtimetoobject.“So,ifthat’snotwhatyouwant—”
“Iwant.”Itiltedmyfaceandarchedup,brushingmymouthacrosshis.Itwasnothing,aghostofakiss,butitbroughteverynerveendinginmybodytolife,andeverysingleoneofthemwantedhim.
Hisblueeyesflaredwithsurprise,andthenhebroughthismouthtomineandkissedmesenseless.Hislipswerecool,buthistonguewarmasitslippedpastmypartedlipstoslidealongmine.Spearmintandsaltconsumedeverythought.Electricitydancedalongmyskin.
More.Ineededmore.
Hisfingersspearedintomyhair,andhetiltedmyheadtokissmeevendeeper.Iwasnostrangertosex,butI’dneverbeenkissedlikethis.HetookmymouthlikeIwasthekeytohisnextheartbeat,withequalpartsmind-blowingfinesseanddizzyingneed.
Itwasthebestfirstkissinthehistoryof…everything.
Imoaned,andheliftedmesoourmouthswerelevel,neverbreakingthekiss.
Mylegswoundaroundhiswaistliketheybelongedthere,myankleslockingatthesmallofhisback.KissingNatewasn’tjusteverythingI’ddreamedof;itwasbetter
“Shit,”heswore,rippinghismouthfrommineoncewewerebothpanting,andrestinghisforeheadagainstmine.
“Notwhatyouexpected?”Myfingerslacedbehindhisneckasanotherwavecrestedovermyheatedskin,butdidn’tevenfazehim.
“Justtheopposite.”Hepressedakisstomyjaw,thenmythroat,beforereturningtomylips.“EverythingIexpectedandsomuchmore.Ifuckingknewitwouldbelikethiswithyou.”
“Chemistry,”Imuttered,butthatwasn’tthewordticklingtheedgesofmymind.Fate.Therewasnootherwaytoexplainthis,toexplainus.
“It’smorethanthat,butIdon’tthinkdefiningitwouldbefairtoeitheroneofus.Notwhenweonlyhaveafewhoursbeforeyourflight.”Hestudiedmyfacelikehewascommittingittomemory.
“Ourtimingisprettyawful.”MythighssqueezedhiswaistasIfeatheredakissoverhischeek.
“Ourtimingisshit.”Hishandstrokeddownmyspinebutneverwentformyass.
Iwishedhewould.IwantedhimineverypossiblewayIcouldhavehimuntilthesunset.“Thengivemethenextfewhours.”
Everylineofhisbodydrewtightagainstme,andhisbreathsgrewraggedwhenIkissedalinedownthesideofhisneck.
“Izzy,”hegroaned,hisgriptighteninginmyhairtogentlypullmeaway.Thelustinhiseyesdimmedthestingofrejection.“Idon’twanthours.Iwantnights.Days.Weeks.IwanttohaulyouintoaroomandlockusawayuntilIknoweveryinchofyourbody,tasteeverywhereyouliketobekissed,exploreeverywaytomakeyoucome,andthenlistenasyourvoicegoeshoarsefromscreamingmyname.That’s…”Heshookhishead.
“Yes.That’sayes.”Everythinghe’dlistedsoundedfantastic.
“Iwasgoingtosaymadness.”Hegrinned,andImeltedatthatflashofdimple.“AndImightkicktheshitoutofmyselfforsayingthisnextweek,whenIhaveeverysecondofthismomentonconstantreplayinmyhead,butIwanttheonethingwedon’thave,Izzy,andthat’stime.”
“Iknow.Metoo.”Iwantedachance,areal,unhurriedchanceatwhatwemightbe.“Doesthatmeanyou’redonekissingme?”
“Fuckno.”Hekissedmelongandslow,thetempochangingintoanunhurried,thoroughseduction.“I’llkissyouwheneveryouask,IsabeauAstor.”
“Promise?”Ismiledagainsthismouth
“Promise.”Hemadegoodonit,kissingmeuntilourskinpuckeredinthewater.Hekissedmeaswedriedoff,aswewalkedtohistruck,andbeforeandafterourverylatelunch.
HekissedmeuntilmylipswereswollenandIkneweverylineofhismouthwiththesamefamiliarityhedidmine.
Thenmybagwaschecked,thebookhe’dchosenwastuckedintomycarry-on,andmythroattightenedwitheverystepashewalkedmetothesecuritycheckpointattheairport.
Whatifthetimewewantednevercame?
Whatifthiswasallwe’dhave?
Whatif—
“Stop.”Heturnedmeinhisarmsandcradledmyface.“Whateveryou’rethinking,juststop.”
Myeyesstung,andIknewitwasn’tfromsaltandsun.“Whatifyoudon’tcomehome?”
Hisbrowknitandheleanedinslowly,pressingakisstomyforehead.“I’llcomehome.”
“Youdon’tknowthat.”Thefabricofhisshirtwassoftinmyfingersasmyfistsclenchedagainsthischest.
“Youdon’thavetoworryaboutme.I’mridiculouslyhardtokill.”Hehuggedmetight,restinghischinonthetopofmyhead.
“Yousaythatlikeit’sgoingtostopmefromworryingeverydayforthenextyear.”
“No.”Hegrippedmyshouldersandleanedback,lookingatmewithsuchintensitythatmybreathcaught.“Don’tdothateither.Don’tyoudaresitaroundandworry.Don’twasteyourlifewaitingonme,Izzy.”
Mylipsparted,buttherewerenowordsforthewaymyheartteeteredontheedgeofhisdemand,readytofall…ortobreak.
“Iwon’tdothattoyou.”Hecradledthesideofmyface,strokinghisthumbovermycheek.“Youareworthsomuchmore.”
“AndifIwanttodoittomyself?”Shit,wasthatmyvoicebreaking?
“Don’t,”hebegged,hisvoicefadingtoawhisper.“Youjustuprootedyourwholelifeforsomeone.Don’twishawaythemonthsforsomeoneelse.”Heliftedabrow.“Anddon’tthinkthishasanythingtodowithmenotwantingyou,orsomebullshit.God,whatIwoulddoforyouifIjust…could.”
“Sowheredoesthatleaveus?”
“We’re—”Heswallowedandtookastutteredbreath.“We’reus.NateandIzzy.”
“Undefined,”Iwhispered,rememberinghisearlierwordsthatitwouldn’tbefairtoeitherofustotryandlabeltheunexplainable.
“Ifyouwanttowrite,thenI’lldothesame.Ifyoudon’t,thenIwon’tpressureyou.IwantyoutohaveeverysingleopportunityyouwantforyourselfinDC.”
“Evenifthatopportunitymeanssomeoneelse?”Ichallenged.Maybeitwaschildish,butIdidn’tcare.Notwhenwewereabouttotakethegiftfatehadgivenusandsquanderitoverhimnotwantingmetowait
Heheldmygazewithsteady,unwaveringeyesandnodded.“Evenifthatmeanssomeoneelse.EverysecondI’vehadwithyouisagiftI’veneverdeserved,andIrefusetothinkofyoubackhere,missingouton…anythingbecauseofme.”
“Andinayear?”Ileanedmycheekintohispalm.
“Couldbeless—Ijustliketoprepforthelonghaul.”
“Whathappenswhenyou’rehome?”
Hesighed,thenloweredhisheadandkissedmelikeweweren’tinthemiddleoftheairport.Hekissedmeliketherewasnoonewatching,andnothingwaitingforusontheothersideoftomorrow.“Youknowthebestpartofnotdefiningthis?”
“Mybegrudgingfreedom?”Imuttered.
Helaughed.“No.Thepossibilities,Izzy.That’swhatweare.Possibility.”
Possibility.Thesamereasonhelovedthesunrise.
Everythinginmescreamedtoholdon,butIlethimgo,becausethat’swhathewantedand,honestly,probablywhatIneeded.I’djustgottenoutofatwo-yearrelationship.JumpingintoanotherwhenIwasboundtosabotageitwithmyunresolvedbaggagewasthelastthingIwantedtodotoNate.Iftherewaseverashottobehadwhenitcametous,hewasright—itwasn’tnow.
Ikissedhimonelasttimeandsteppedback.“Just…don’tdie.”TheywerethelastwordsIrememberedfromthecrash,buttheyseemedtofitthisoccasiontoo.Iwasn’tsurewhatthatsaidaboutus.
“Notplanningonit.”Acornerofhismouthlifted,butitwasn’tafullsmile.
Iblinked.“That’swhatyousaid—”
“Iknow.”Hebackedaway,shovinghishandsintothepocketsofhisshorts.“Iremembereverythingaboutyou.NowgetonthatplanesoIcanrememberthistoo.”
“Possibilities?”Mychestachedsodeeplythatithurttobreathe.
“Theverybestofthem.”Hegavemeagrin,flashingthatdimple,anddisappearedintothecrowd.CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
IZZY
Mazar-i-Sharif,Afghanistan
November2021
“Serena!”Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmyshockedoldersister,lockingthemabovethebackpackshewore,andheldontight,myheartbeatingsowildlyIhalfexpectedittojumpoutofmychest.Itworked.Shewashere.EverystringI’dpulledtotakeNewcastle’splacehadbeenworthitbecauseshewashere.Itwasalmosttooeasy,toosimple,butIwasn’tabouttocursemygoodluck.
Iwasbringingmysisterhome.
“Iz?”Serenatensedforasecondbeforeherarmsclosedslowlyaroundme,hercameracaughtbetweenus,securedbytheneckstrap.“Isabeau?”Herhandsmovedtomyshoulders,andshepulledback,herbrowneyeswideasshescannedmyface.“Whattheactualhellareyoudoinghere?”sheshouted,somethingakintohorroretchingherfeatures,twolinesappearingbetweenherbrows.
“Tellmehowyoureallyfeel.”Therewasnostoppingmysmile.I’dfoundher.Well…Natehadfoundher.Shelookedlikeshecoulduseasolidmonthofsleepandmightneedtowashtheveryserviceablebutton-downshirtandblueheadscarfI’dinadvertentlypulleddownbyhugginghersotight,butthosewerealleasytoremedy.
“I’mnotkidding!”Herfingersdugintomyshoulders,andhervoicepitchedhigherinpanic.“Youshouldn’tbehere!”
Iblinked.Thinkingshemighthavebeenannoyedatmyinterferenceandactuallyseeingitweretwodifferentthings.“ButIcameforyou.”
“Youwhat?”
Okay,shewasalittlemorethanannoyed.Shewaspissed.
AcommotioneruptedbehindSerena,andshewhippedhergazeoverhershoulder.“He’swithme.He’smyinterpreter,”shesaidtooneofNate’steammates.White?Gray?Brown?Whicheveroneitwas.
Theoperator—touseNate’sterminology—loweredhisweaponandletalightlybeardedmanin.HequicklymovedtoSerena’sside,lookingbetweenthetwoofuswithsurpriseandobviousrecognitionIdidn’tshare.
“Izzy,thisisTajBarech,myinterpreter,”Serenasaid.“Taj,thisisthesisterI’vetoldyousomuchabout,theonewhoissupposedtobeinWashington.”Shebitouteverysingleoneofthosewordsinmydirection.
“Itisapleasuretomeetyou,”hesaidwithanodandanenergeticsmile.
“Likewise,”IassuredhimasNatemovedtomyside.
Serena’seyeswidenedtoimpossibledimensions,herjawdroppingasshestaredathim.“Youhavetobekiddingme.”
“Nicetoseeyou,Serena,”Natesaid,onehandontheriflethathungfromhisshoulder.“Nopicturesofmeormyguys.”
“Iknowtheruleswhenitcomestoyourtype.”Hergazenarrowed,andherhandsfellfrommyshoulders.“Ican’tbelieveyouactuallyletIzzy—”
“Hedidn’tletmedoanything!”Isnapped,backingupastep.“Trustme,ifhehadhisway,I’dbeonthefirstflightoutofhere.”
“IfIhadmyway,youwouldn’thavecomehereinthefirstplace,”hegrumbledbeforeaddressingSerena.“Shetookanotheraide’splace.Ididn’tevenknowshewouldbeincountrybeforeshesteppedontothetarmac,orIwouldhavedonesomethingtostopit.”
“Okay,well,screwyouboth.”Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmychest.“I’magrownwomanwhomakesherowndecisions,whichissomethingneitherofyouseemtounderstand.”
“Itwasabaddecision,Isabeau.”Serena’svoiceroseagain.“Doyouhaveanyideahowdangerousitishere?”
“I’msorry…what?Ican’twalkthreestepsoutsidemybedroomwithoutSergeantSourhereshadowingmyeverymove.”IgesturedtowardNate.“So,yes,Igetjusthowdangerousitishere.Doyou?BecauseIdon’tseearmedguardswithyou.”
Tajglancedbetweenthethreeofusandcockedhisheadtotheside.“Thisseemslikeafamilymatter.I’llbe…somewhereelse.”Hebackedawayslowly,butitwasn’tliketherewerealotofplaceshecouldgointhenearlyemptyroom.
“Look,asfunasitistofinallyhavesomeoneonmysideregardingIsabeau’sfieldtriptoAfghanistan—”Natestarted.
“AssumingI’monyoursideaboutanythingisagrosserror.”SerenaglaredatNate.
“—wehavetogetonthebird,”hefinished,completelyignoringmysister’sjab.“They’rewaitingonus.”
“So,getheroutofherealready,”Serenacountered.
“Great,thenlet’sgo,”Isaid,turningtowardtheexit.“Wecanfinishfightingattheembassy.”
“Holdon.DoyouthinkI’mgoingwithyou?”Serenaasked,joggingtocatchupwithmeandtakingholdofmyelbow.
Istoppedinmytracks,pivotingtofaceherasdreadsettledinmystomach.“WhyelsedoyouthinkIwouldbehere?”
Herangermelted,butthelookofpitythatreplaceditwasn’tmuchbetter.“Izzy,Ican’tleave.Ihaveajobtodohere.Ithasn’tbeenthefullsixmonths.I’mstillonassignmentforanotherthirtydays.”
“Thecountryis…”Ishookmyhead.
“Collapsing,”Natesaid,stridingourway.“Thecountryiscollapsing.”
“Thenit’smyjobtocoverit,”Serenastatedlikethatwastheendofthediscussion.
“Youdon’tmeanthat.”Thewordsrushedoutinawhisper.
“Ido.”Sheadjustedthestrapsofherbackpack.“I’mheredoingexactlywhatI’msupposedtobedoing.ThisisthelongestassignmentI’veeverbeengiven.Ifoughtforit,andI’mnotabouttoenditearlyjustbecauseit’sgettingdangerous.I’dneverbeabletoholdmyheadupattheoffice.”
Nateliftedhishandtohisearpieceandcockedhisheadtotheside.“Workingonit,”hebarkedintheprofessionaltoneI’dgrownaccustomedtobeforefacingSerena.“Serena,Ihearwhatyou’resaying,butit’snotsafeforyoutostay.Youknowthat.Iknowthat.Izzyknowsthat.Threeprovinceshavefalleninthelasttwenty-fourhours.Icompletelyunderstandyourdedicationtoyourprofession,butforthesakeofyoursister,I’mnotabovebeggingyoutogetonthathelicopter.”
Andthattone?Thatwasn’tSergeantGreen.ThatwasmyNate.Ilookedupathim,andmyheartclenched.UnderneathalltheKevlarandtheweapons,hewasstillthesamemanwho’dheldmeaftermynightmarethismorning.Thesamemanwho’dpulledmefromthatairplanetenyearsago.
“Youwouldgetmydedicationtomyprofession,wouldn’tyou?”Serenasaidwithasigh.“Hell,yourdedicationtoyoursistheentirereasonIzzyendedupinSenatorLauren’soffice.Areyougoingtoendyourdeploymentearly?”
She.Did.Not.MyheadsnappedtowardSerena,butshedidn’tcatchthepanickedriseofmybrowsbecauseshewaslookingatNate.
“What?”Nateasked.
Serenascoffed.“Youseriouslythoughtitwasacoincidencethatshe’sspentthelastthreeyearsworkingforthewomanwho’sbeenpushinglegislationtoendthiswar?ThatshetookoffforWashingtonrightafteryou…”Hervoicetrailedoff
AmuscleinNate’sjawtickedasheslowlybroughthisgazetolockwithmine
Mystomachdropped.
Shit.Itdidn’tmatterthatthelegislationhadneverstoodachance,orthatI’dbasicallybeenbeatingmyheadagainstabrickwallforalltheprogresswe’dmade.I’dspentthelastfewyearsfightingfruitlesslytoendtheconflictthathaddraggedhimfrommyarmstimeandagain,andnowheknewit.
Isawitallinthoseblueeyes.Shock,disbelief,denial,andanemotiontoodangeroustoacknowledge,letalonename.HelookedatmelikeheusedtobeforeNewYork,droppingthewallhe’dlockedhimselfbehind.
“Ohshit.Youthoughtitwascoincidence.Youreallydidn’tknow,”Serenamuttered.
Icouldn’tlookaway.Couldn’tspeak.Couldn’tconfirmordenytheblatanttruthSerenahadlaidathisfeet,exposingmewithnothingmorethanafewwords.AlltheKevlarintheworldcouldn’tprotectmyheartfromitsownfoolishlongingtohurlitselfatNate.
“Izzy,I’msosorry,”Serenasaidsoftly.
Nateblinkedandlookedaway.“Iknow.ETAfiveminutes.”Hewastalkingthroughhisradio,andwhenhefinished,helookedatSerena.“Here’sthedeal.I’mputtingIsabeauonthathelicopterinfiveminutes.Ireallyhopeyou’reonit.”
SheswallowedandglancedbacktowhereTajwastalkingtoSergeantWhateverColor.“EvenifIwantedtogo,whichIdon’t,Ican’tleavehim.Hedoesn’thavehisvisayet.”
“Hashestartedhispaperwork?”Iasked.“Becauseifthat’sallthat’skeepingyouhere,Ican—”
“It’sinprocess.”Shemovedforwardandcuppedbothsidesofmyface.“WhatdidItellyouthefirsttimeyouaskedmenottocoverawarzone?”
“Thatignoringasituationdoesn’tmakeitbetterforthepeoplelivingit.”Mythroatthreatenedtoclose,mybodyrecognizingmydefeatbeforemyheart.
“Istillfeelthesameway.Meleavingisn’tgoingtohelpthesepeople.TheleastIcandoisbearwitness.”
“You’renotcomingwithme,areyou?”Myvoicebrokeonthelastword.
Sheshookherhead.“I’veworkedtoohardtogetwhereIamtoquit.”
Ipressedmylipsbetweenmyteethandfoughttheimmediateburninginmyeyes.TheverypassionI’dalwaysadmiredaboutSerenahadthepotentialtogetherkilled,andIdidn’tknowwhattodoaboutit.
“I’llgiveyouguysaminute,butthat’sallwehave,”NatesaidquietlybeforewalkingtowardTaj.
“Iwon’tbeabletocomeback,”Iwhispered.“IpulledeverystringIhadtogethere,andIhavethefeelingNatedidtoo.”
Shesmiled.“Onlyyouwouldcomesearchinginthefirstplace,andIloveyouforit.”Leaningforward,sherestedherforeheadagainstmine.“ButIcan’tleave.Notyet.”
“Andiftheprovincefallsbeforeyourthirtydaysareup?”Icouldbarelygetthewordsout.“Pleasetellmeyou’llgetoutbeforethen.Ican’tleaveyouhere—”
“I’llleaveiftheprovincefalls.”
“Promiseme.”
“Promise.I’mnottryingtogetmyselfkilled.ButI’mnotleavingTaj.Itwouldbeunspeakablycrueltoabandonthepersonwhohasdonesomuchforme,andhewon’tbesafehereanymore,notaftertheworkhe’sdoneforme,theworkhe’sdoneforourgovernmentinthelastfewyears.Youknowthey’llkillhimthefirstchancetheyget.”
Hopesprungupinmychest.“Icanworkonhispaperwork.AtleastI’lldowhatIcantopush.TheStateDepartmentisoverwhelmed.”
“Iappreciatethat.”Herhandsfelltomyshoulders.“JustrememberthatI’mherebecauseIchoosetobe.What’shappeningismoreimportantthanme.”
“Nottome.”Iwinced.“Andyes,Icanhearexactlyhowself-centeredthatsounds.”
Serenalaughedandpulledmeintoahug.“I’vemissedyou.Andnomatterwhat,myassignmentisupinamonth.I’llbehomebeforeyouknowit.”
Natewalkedby,followedbytheremainingoperators,butIcouldn’tlethergo,evenwhenthewindgustedin,somehowhotterthanthestifling,stagnantairoftheroom.
“StaywithNate,”Serenawhispered.“Thatmanhashisfaults,butthere’snothinghewon’tdotokeepyousafe.”
“Andhowwouldyouknowthat?”IfoundthestrengthtopullbacksoIcouldlookatmysister.
Asmilecurvedherlips.“BecauseIseethewayhelooksatyou.Guessnothingmuchhaschangedthere.”
Ishookmyhead.“He’sbeenanabsoluteassfromthesecondIgotofftheplane.Theonlyreasonhe’slookingatmeisbecauseI’mhisassignment.”Butthatwasn’ttheentiretruth.Feelinghisgazeonme,Iglancedovermyshouldertoseehimwaitingformeinthedoorway,andturnedbacktoSerena.“Butthere’sbeenaminuteortwothathe’sjustbeen…Nate.We’remakingthebestofareallyawkwardsituation.”
“Areyou,now?”Sheretreatedacoupleofsteps,herfingersslidingdownmyarmsuntilsheheldbothmyhands.“IfIhadtopromisethatI’dleaveiftheprovincefalls,thenyoumakemeonetoo.”
“Whatpromisedoyouwantinreturn?”Igrippedherhandsandtoldmyselfthiswouldn’tbethelasttimeIsawher.IfIeventhoughtit,Iwouldn’tbeabletowalkaway.
“Promisemethatyouwon’tmarryJeremy.”Shenudgedmyringwithherfinger.
Iblinked.Therewasnowaysheknew.“Becausehe’sMomandDad’schoice,orbecauseyou’veneverlikedhim?”She’dmadeheropinionwidely,loudlyknownthenightJeremyproposedatourfamily’sveryrenowned,verywell-attendedChristmasparty.
“No.”Hervoicelowered,andherposturesoftenedasshegrinnedatmelikewewerebackinthatapartmentinDCandnotinthemiddleofawarzone.“BecauseIseethewayyoulookathimtoo.”Sheglancedmeaningfullyovermyshoulder.“Youhavenobusinessmarryingonemanwhileyou’reinlovewithanother.”
“I’mnot—”Iyankedmyhandsback,butsheheldtight.
“Youare.”Shegavemyfingersasqueezeandthenletmego.“AndJeremy’sneverbeengoodenough.Stopsettlingforlessthanwhatyoudeserve.StopwalkingthepathMomandDadlaidforyouunlessit’stheoneyouwant.”Onestepatatime,shebackedaway.“I’llseeyouinamonth.Let’sgrabpizzafromthatlittleplaceneartheoldapartment.God,Imisspizza.”Sheflashedanothersmile,thenturnedawayandwalkedout,takingTajwithher.
Somehow,ImademyselfwalktoNate.
Somehow,hegotmeintothehelicopter.
Somehow,Imanagedtobreatheaswetookoff,leavingmysisterbehindinMazar-i-Sharif.
NateslippedhisearbudsintomyearsandplayedsomeofmyfavoritemusicontheflightbacktoKabul,butitbarelymadeadentinthenoiseofmythoughts.I’dhadher,huggedher,andnowshewasgone.OurflightbacktotheStateswasscheduledfortendaysfromnow.
WasthereanywayIcouldconvinceSerenatoleavebythen?
HowdidIletthishappen?
“Youdidn’tfail,”Natesaidquietlyasheopenedmycardooroncewereachedtheembassy.
I’dbeensoconsumedbymythoughtsthatIhadn’tevennoticedwe’darrived.“Whywouldyousaythat?”Atleastthisseatbeltdidn’tstickasIgotoutofthecar.
“BecauseIknowyou,andIknowhowyouthink.”
Unfortunately,hewasright.
“Itfeelsalotlikefailure.”Theheatbeatmercilesslyaswewalkedtowardtheentrance.
“Shemadeherchoice.”Wepassedthemarineguards,andNateopenedthedoor.“Serenahasalwaysbeenstubbornasamulewhenitcomestoherwork.”
Inodded,butitdidn’tmakeithurtanyless.Thecrispairwasareliefagainstmyfaceasweenteredtheembassy’sfoyerandstartedtowardthestairs.Iwantedtocrawlintobedandsleepofftheutter,heart-wrenchingdefeat.Luckyforme,noneofthestaffwaswaiting,whichmeantIhadachancetomakeittomyroomwithoutbeingnoticed.
NateandIwalkedupthestepsinsilence.
“IswhatSerenasaidtrue?”heaskedaswenearedthedoortomyroom.“AboutwhyyouwenttoworkforSenatorLauren?Whyyouwentintopolitics?”
Istoppeddeadinmytracks.
Oh.God.I’dalmostforgottenthatSerenahadaccidentallyrattedmeout.Iopenedmymouthtoanswer,butsomeonesteppedoutofthenextroomdownthehall,savingmefromembarrassment.
“Damn,I’vebeenwaitingalldayforyou,”amansaidangrily,andNateandIbothlookeddownthehallwaytoseethefigurestridingourwaywithpurpose,hisfacebecomingdisastrouslyclearerwitheverystep.
Notjustanyman.
Jeremywashere.
Mystomachhitthefloor.
“I’mdonehearingyoudon’twanttotalk.”Hereachedformyarmandgotagoodgripontheupperpart.“Ijustflewalltheway—”hestarted,abruptlyhaltingwhenNaterippedhimaway.Jeremy’sbodyslammedagainstthewallbesidemeasNateputhisforearmagainstJeremy’swindpipe.
“Didn’tanyoneteachyounottotouchaladywithoutherconsent?”EverylineofNate’sbodyradiatedthreat.
Ohshit.
“No!”IputmyhandonNate’sshoulder.IfhehurtJeremy,theconsequenceswouldbediretothecareerhe’dfoughtsohardfor.“Don’t.It’sokay.I’mokay.”
“Isa—”Jeremymanagedtosqueakout.
“Youknowhim?”Nateaskedme,hiseyesnarrowingwithaccusation.
“Yes.”Inodded,tryingtoswallowthehugeboulderinmythroat.Jeremyhadnevergrabbedmelikethatbefore.
“Ofcoursesheknowsme!”Jeremycroaked,stretchinghisneckmelodramatically.
Natedroppedhisforearmandbackedupastep.Throughalltheseyears,I’dneverhadthetwomensidebysidetocomparebefore,butnowthatIdid,thedifferenceswerestartling.
Jeremywaspolished,fromhisgelled,coiffedheadofdarkhairtohisArmanishoes.Hisfacewasflawless,andIknewhe’dflashthatpolitician’ssmileinaheartbeatwitheverycertaintythatitwouldswaysomeonetohisside.
Buthedidn’tknowNate.Nathanielwastallerbyacoupleofinches,stackedwithmuscle,andhewieldedanauraoffuck-around-and-find-out.OneofNate’ssmileshadtobeearned.Andeveryscarthemancarriedonlymadehim…more.
“I’mherfiancé!”JeremystraightenedtheHermèstieI’dgivenhimforhisbirthday.
Hermès.Inafreakingwarzone.
ThehurtthatflashedthroughNate’seyescutintomewithasingleglance,buthequicklymaskedhisfeaturesasherippedhisgazefrommine,assessingJeremyinawholenewway.HiseyescaughtonthebadgeJeremyhadpinnedtohissuitcoat.
ThebadgethatsaidJeremyCovington
Nate’sbodymanagedtogoevenmorerigid.
“Idon’tknowwhothehellyouthinkyouare,”Jeremybegan,allbutpokingNate’schest.
Notagoodidea.
“He’smysecuritydetail,”Isaidquickly.“Let’sjust…”Shit,thiswasbad.So,so,sobad.IneededtogethimawayfromNatebeforeitgotevenworse.“Let’sjustgoinmyroomandtalk.”MyhandtrembledasIfumbledformyroomkey,butNatehadhisoutalready.
Heopenedthedoorwithefficiencyandstoodback,holdingitopensoJeremycouldswaggerthroughintomysuite.
Ifollowedafter,pausingtoglanceupatNate,whostaredaheadwithprofessionalindifference.“It’scomplicated.”
“Seemsprettysimpletome.”Hisscoffwasalmostsilent,butnotquite.“You’remarryingDickface.”CHAPTERFOURTEEN
IZZY
Georgetown
October2014
I’vebeenthinkingaboutleave.Maybenotthisyear,sinceyou’llbeinthemiddleofclasseswhenI’llgetblockleave—aka,vacation—butmaybenextyearwecanpickaplaceneitherofushasbeenandjustgo.Justleaveeverythingbehindforaweekortwoandjust…be.AndIknowyou’veprobablytraveledalotmorethanIhave.Therewasn’tmoneyforthatgrowingup,buttheonlygoodthingaboutdeploymentistheridiculousamountofmoneyI’vebeenabletosave.So,ifyou’redown,sendbackalistofwhereyou’dwanttogowiththenextletter.Let’sgosomewherewarm,Izzy.Somewherewithabeach.SomewhereIcanXXXXX
He’dcrossedthatpartoutsomanytimesthatthepenhadrippedthroughthepaperinoneplace.Isighedandsettheletteronthekitchencounter.
HowwasitpossibletomisssomeonesomuchwhenI’dspentsolittleactualtimewithhim?
“Howmanytimeshaveyoureadthatone?”Serenaaskedasshefinishedupdinnerontheislandcooktopinfrontofme.
“Onceortwice.”JustlikeNate,Icouldfindthepositivesinthebad,andtheonegoodthingthathadcomefromDickfaceleavingmeforYalewasSerenamovingintothetwo-bedroomapartmentwhenshe’dbeenhiredbythePost.Shelikedtobeatherselfupthatitwasn’ttheTimes,butIwasjustecstatictohaveherwithme.
“Morelikeahundredtimes,”shemuttered,flippingthegrilledcheeseinthepan.
“YouknowI’mhappytocook,right?”Theexposedsidewasmorethanalittlecharred.“IlivedwithMargothatlastyearatSyracuse.It’snotlikeIdon’tknowhow.”
“Yourjobistostudy.”Shepointedacheese-coveredspatulaatme.“Study,Isabeau.NotmemorizelovelettersfromNate.”
“They’renotloveletters.”IsnatchedupthepaperjustincaseanyofthatcheesemadeajumpforitandlandedonNate’sletter.“Hemadeitclearthatwe’renottogether.”
“Right.”Shearchedabrow.
“YoulooklikeMomwhenyoudothat,”Imuttered.
Shescoffed,andsnatchedtheletteroutofmyhands.“Takeitback!”shedemanded,holdingtheletterabovethegrilledcheese,whichwasnowsmoking.
“You’regoingtosettheapartmentonfire!”
“Take.It.Back.”Shedangledtheletterjustabovethepan.
“Fine,Itakeitback!”Ilunged,butsheleaptoutofreachandthenstartedtoread.“Serena!”
Shewhistledlow,leaningbackagainsttheothercounter.“Themanisgoodwithwords.”
“Iknowthat.”Igrabbedthehandleofthepanandmoveditofftheburner,thenthrewopenthewindowinhopesofavoidinganotherencounterwiththesmokealarmandournoise-sensitiveneighborsin3C
“‘Promisemethatyou’reouttherelivingandnotjustexisting,’”shereadfromtheendoftheletter,blowingoutalongsigh.“See,eventheguywhoisclearlyinlovewithyouwantsyoutogetoutmore.Whichisweird,butifithelpsconvinceyou,thenI’mallforit.”
“One,Nateisnotinlovewithme.Someonewholovesyoudoesn’tturnyoulooseonthemalepopulationandtellyoutohaveatitwhilehe’sgone.”Iunderstoodhispoint,reallyandtruly,butthatdidn’tmeanIagreedwithit.
“Inthiscase?”Shewavedtheletterasthescentofsmokedissipated.“That’sexactlywhatsomeonewholovesyouwouldtellyoutodo.Ihavetogivetheguysomerespect.HecouldhavelockedyoudowninGeorgiaandleftyoupining.Instead,hethoughtofwhatwouldbebestforyou.”Shemadeaface.“Ithinkyoumayhavefoundtheonegoodguyleftontheplanet,andIdon’tcarewhatMomandDadsayabouthim.”
Theydidn’tknowmuchaboutNate,butthey’dmadeitcleartheythoughtdatinganenlistedsoldierwasamajorstepdownwardfromaCovington.Ihadn’tbotheredtellingthemweweren’tdatingafterthatcomment,andhonestly,whateverIwaswithNatewasastepupfromJeremy.He’dsentmeanInstaDMlastweekI’dhappilyignored.Thatguyhadsomemajorgrowinguptodo.
“Sowhyareyousokeenonmegettingoutmore?”Isettledonthekitchenstoolandstartedscrollingonmyphonefortakeout.
Itwaslikewewerekidsagain,fendingforourselveswhileMomandDadwereatonegalaoranother,exceptwewereadults.Kindof.Sincemydefinitionofadultingwaspayingallmyownbills,andDadwasstillcoveringtuition,books,andthisapartment,Iwasn’texactlytheposterchildforindependence.NotinthewayNatewas.
“Becausethereareplentyofdecentonesleftwhoaren’tperpetuallyunavailable.”Shelookedupatme.“Andyouneedatleastafewnightsaweekthatyouaren’twearing…that.”
IlookeddownatNate’shoodie.“What’swrongwiththis?”
“Nothing.”Sherolledhereyes.“What’sgoingonwithPaul,anyway?Thatwasyourseconddateacouplenightsago,right?”
“Patrick,”Icorrectedher,findingalocalrestaurantthathadareasonabledeliverytime.“Andprettysurethat’snotgoingtoworkout.”
“Shocker.”Hereyesflaredwithmocksurprise.“Letmeguess.You’rebothatGeorgetownLaw,andthat’sjusttoomuchincommon.Hewantstogointopolitics,andyouabhorit.He’sgoodlookingbutjustdoesn’trevyourengine.Nice,butnotmemorable?Oh,andthedeathsentencetoeverypotentialIsabeauAstorsuitor—he’savailable.”
“He’sa2Lwhowantstogointocorporatelaw,andI’mprettysurehe’smoreattractedtohisphonethanme.”Patrickdidn’tlookatmelikeIwastheanswertoeveryquestion.He’donlykissedmeonce,andithadalltheheatofthree-day-oldleftovers.And…Isighed.
Hewasn’tNate.
Noneofthemwere.
“I’lltradeyou.”Iwavedmyphone.“Dinnerformyletterback.”
Shecockedherheadtothesideandstaredatthepaper.“Ireallywishhehadn’tredactedthispart.Ibetitwashot.”
“Serena!”
“Fine.Haveyournon-boyfriend’sletter.”Shegaveitbacktomeandenteredherorderintomyphone.
IfoldeditneatlyandputitbackinitsenvelopesoIcouldstoreitwiththeothers.He’dsentapackagethistime,completewiththreenewlyhighlightedbooks.Ihadminereadytogobackforhim,too,andhadstartedabirthdaypackagethatneededtogetoutinthenextcoupleofdaysifitwasgoingtohaveanyhopeofmakingittohim.Sofarithadspearmintgum,thebrownieshe’drevealedasecretweaknessfor,andaGeorgetownhoodietoweararoundthebase,ortheFOB,ashecalledit,onhisdowntime.
“Youknow,youshouldreallywatchthecongressionalracebackhome,”Serenasaid,handingmyphoneback.
“Someoneinteresting?”Islidthephoneintothebackpocketofmyjeans.“Orsomeoneyouthinkisinterestingbecauseyou’reahigh-poweredreporteronamissionfortruthandjustice?”
“Can’titbeboth?”Shedumpedtheburntsandwichinthetrashcanandsetthepaninthesink.
“Notusually.”
“She’srunningonaplatformofendingthewarinAfghanistan.”
Mygazejumpedtohers.
“Figuredthatmightgetyourattention.”Sheleanedtowardme,bracingherelbowsonthesmallisland.“Notsureshe’sgotthenumberstogetelected,andhonestly,Idon’tseelegislationlikethatpassing.NotwiththemakeupoftheHillrightnow.Butstill,IbetDadcouldpullafewstringstogetyouaninternshipifshewins.”
“Politics?”Ishookmyhead.“No,thankyou.AnystringDadpullscomeswithmore,andI’mgoingintothenonprofitsector.”SomewhereIcouldmakeadifference.
“Dad’sgoingtobethrilled.”Shegrinned.“YoushouldtellhimatChristmas,justsowecanwatchhimturnredlikeoneofthedecorations.”
“Hetookyourjournalismmajorokay.”Igrabbedtheclosestnotebooktomeandopenedittothefirstblankpage,numberingonethroughtenontheleftside.
“Becausehewasstillhopingyou’dbehiskeytogainingalittlepoliticalpowerwithCovington.Dadwantsapoliticianinthefamilymorethanhe’severwantedus.”
“Isn’tthatthesadtruth.”Thepastfewyearshadonlymadethatglaringlyobvious.“TheleastwecouldhavedonewasgivenhimonekidwithanMBAforAstorEnterprises.”
“I’mnotworkingmyassofftoridmyselfofhisleashjustsohecanslapaharnessonmeandtakemeforalittlewalkinwhateverdirectionheseesfit.Nope.”Sheshookherhead.
“Onthatweagree.Andlet’ssparetheawkwardnessatChristmas.I’llbreakthenewswhentheycomeoutformybirthdayinMarch.”
Serenagrimacedbutquicklycoveredit.“Look,Iknowyou’reexcitedthattheysaythey’recoming,butjustdon’t…”Shebitherbottomlip.
“Getmyhopesup?”Ifinishedthesentencesheobviouslydidn’twantto.
“Exactly.”
“They’llcome.”Iliftedmybrowsatherskepticism.“Theywill.Theypromised.Besides,theybookedahotelalready.”
“Ijustdon’twanttoseeyoudisappointed.Again.Iwouldn’texactlycallthemreliable,whichiswhyIthinkyouwouldbenefitfromdatingsomeonewhoactuallyis.”Sheglancedpointedlyatmypaper.
“Natehasyettoletmedown.”Istaredattheemptynumbersonmylist,mybrainspinningwithmyfavoriteword—possibilities.Somewherewithabeach.SomewhereNatecouldkissmeinthewater.That’swhatIpretendedwasinthatscratched-outportionoftheletter.
“Oh,andit’sLauren,”Serenasaid.
“Who?”
“Thewomanwho’srunningforCongress.ElianaLauren.”
“I’lllookherup.”TheleastIcoulddowasseeifshewasworthvotingfor.
Itappedmypennexttothenumberone,thenwroteasingleword.
Fiji.
ByDecember,mycollectionoflettershadgrownexponentially,ashadmystress.LawschoolwasevenharderthanI’dexpected.Finalsleftmealmostnotimetoread,andIwasn’texactlyholdingupmyendoftheconversationwithNate.
AndtruetoNate,hedidn’tsayasinglewordaboutmeghostinghimfornearlyamonth,justkeptwriting,tellingmehowproudhewasthatIwasconqueringlawschool.
Christmashadbeenanawkwardextravaganzaofoverpricedgiftsandawkward,two-pathugs,butJanuaryarrived,andIgotmyrhythmback.
Neverapologizefordoingwhatyouneedto.That’swhatNatesaidwhenIgotaletterattheendofJanuary.
February,Imanagednottoscrewuparelationshipforallofthreeweeks.
Bythefourth,Icuthimloose.ItjusthappenedtobethesameweekMomandDadcanceledtheirtriptoDCformybirthdayinfavorofopeningDad’snewChicagooffices.
Ididn’tknowNate’sdad,andhe’dnevertoldmewhyhefearedbecominglikehim,butIwasstartingtofeelthesamewayaboutmyown.Ididn’tneedtobemyparents’numberonepriority,butmakingthetoptenwouldhavebeenniceeveryonceinawhile.
“Again?”MargoaskedinMarchonourweeklycall.
“Hey,Igaveitfourdates,”Itoldher,holdingthephonebetweenmyshoulderandearasIfoldedthelastofmycleanlaundryandputitaway.“Notallofusarehappilymarriedattwenty-two.”
“You’renottwenty-two,”sheremindedme.“Notuntiltomorrow.”
“Yougetmypoint.”IhungmyfavoriteshirtandputNate’shoodieinthedrawerbeneathmybed.“Ijustdon’tseeareasontostringsomeonealongwhenIknowitwon’twork.”
“It’snevergoingtoworkifyoudon’tgiveitanactualshot,”shelectured.
Iglancedattheboxoflettersonmydesk.“Totallyagreewithyouthere.”
Aloudgigglesoundedfromthelivingroom.
“Soundslikesomeone’shavingagoodtime,”Margosaid.
“Serenahasherboyfriendover,whichiswhyI’mhidinginmybedroom.”
“Andhowareclasses?”
“Fine,Mom.”Ismiledwhenshescoffed.“Really,I’moddlycaughtup,andit’sFridaynight.IhavetheentireweekendtobingeTVor—”
“WriteNate,”Margosuggestedinasingsongvoice.
“You’restartingtosoundlikeSerena.”
“SerenaadoresNate.I’m…”Shewentquiet.
Itossedmyemptylaundrybasketonthefloorofmyabysmallysmallcloset.“Justsayit.”
“I’mwithholdingjudgmentuntilit’salittleclearerifyouguysaresomedestinedfairytaleorifit’stheinitialtraumaofthecrashthatbondedyou.”
“Andhowareyourclasses,psychmajor?”Iasked,notthatIhadn’twonderedthesamethingonceortwice.ButthewayImissedhimallthesemonthslaterhadtomeansomethingmore.Betweenourlettersandtheshortburstsoftimewe’dhad,IalmostknewNatebetterthanIhaddickfaceJeremy.Lettersdidn’tleavealotofspaceforbullshittingthewayemptymoviedatesdid.
“I’mbarelypassingoneofmyclasses,”Margoadmitted.
“Likeactuallybarelypassing?”Iasked,pausing.“OrindangerofgettingaC?”
“They’rebasicallythesamething.”
Igrinned.“No,they’renot.Butseriously,isthereanythingIcando?”
“BesidesmovingbacktothetundraofupstateNewYorkandpersonallytakingmetocoffeeeveryafternoonsoIcanseeyourprettyface?”
“Right.Besidesthat.”Thedoorbellrang,butIfloppedontomybed,knowingSerenawouldgetit.
“Nope.Justlistentomewhineonourcalls.”
“Alwayshappytodoso.”
“Izzy!”Serenacalledout.
“Ihavetoletyougo;Ithinkourdinnerjustgothere.”Wesaidourgoodbyes,andIendedthecall.
“Izzy!”Serenashoutedagain.
“Coming!”IhoistedmysoftflannelpajamapantsuphigheronmyhipsandzippedupmyGeorgetownhoodieovermybralessboobssoIwouldn’tfreakoutSerena’scompanyinthetwosecondsitwouldtaketosnagmydinnerandfadebackintothecaveofmyroom.
IopenedmybedroomdoortofindSerenagrinningatmewithaneerieresemblancetotheCheshirecat.“Yes?”
“I’mgettingoutofherefortheweekend.Luke’sroommateisoutoftown,sowe’llhavehisplacetoourselves.He’sthrowingsomestuffinabagformerightnow.”ShelookedsohappythatIcouldn’tbeartoremindherthattomorrowwasmybirthday.
“Thatsoundsamazing!Haveagreattime!”Iforcedasmileandprayedshedidn’tseethroughit.
Shesqueezedmetight.“You’regoingtohavethebestbirthday.Promisemeyou’llactuallyleavetheapartment.”
“Willdo.”Thatwasablatantfib.I’dleavetheapartmentlongenoughtofetchcoffeedowntheblock,butthatwasit.Iwasalreadyplanningoutafullbinge-festonthecouch.
Shepulledbackandstudiedmyfacelikeshecoulddetectlies.“Okay.Dinnerisonthekitchencounter.Iloveyou,Iz.”
“Loveyou.”
Shesqueezedmyhandandthenracedout,grabbingherboyfriend’shandandshuttingthefrontdoorbeforeIevenmadeittothelivingroom.
“Weird,butokay,”Imuttered,turningtowardthekitchenandthescentoffreshlydeliveredChinesefood.
Ijumpedatthesightofthehandsomemanleaningcasuallyagainstthecounter,likehewassupposedtobehereandnothalfaworldaway.Hewasdressedinjeansandacoathehadn’tevenunzippedyet,andatravel-worncamouflagebackpackrestedonthefloornexttohisfeet.Despitetheexhaustioninhisblueeyes,helookedsodamnedbeautifulthatIcouldbarelybreathe.
“Nate?”Hewashere.IntheStates.Inmykitchen.
“Hey.”Hesmiled,flashingthatdimple.
Myhearttookofflikearacehorse,andsodidI.Ittooklessthanasecondformetodartoverthecouch.Whocaredifpillowswentflying?Iwasn’twastingtimebygoingaround.HecaughtmeinhisarmsbeforeIcouldlandontheotherside.
“You’rehere,”Imumbledagainstthewarmskinofhisneck,myfeetdanglingashehuggedmetight.
“Happybirthday,Isabeau,”hesaid.
BestpresenteverCHAPTERFIFTEEN
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
Ileanedbackagainstmycloseddoor,myheartpoundingforallthewrongreasonsasIwatchedJeremysurveythesuite,takingintheseatingarrangementandlittlekitchenette.GuesstheconversationI’davoidedforthelastsixweekswasgoingtohappenwhetherIwasreadyornot.
Angerroseswiftly,heatingmyskin.Howdareheshowuplikethis?
YoucouldalwaystellNatetothrowhisassonthecurb.
ExceptIdoubtedNatewasgoingtobespeakingtomeafterthatexchangeinthehallway.Nodoubthewasalreadycallinghisreplacement.
“You’remarryingDickface.”God,thelookonhisfacehadbeenworsethanbetrayal.Natehadbeen…disappointed.SeeingthatheknewmyhistorywithJeremy,Icouldn’tblamehim.
IwasdisappointedinmyselfforhowlongI’dletthisgoon.Theweightoftheringonmyfingerfeltlikeananchor,tyingmetotheonepersonIwasstartingtorealizehadneverdeservedme.
“Yourroomisnicerthantheonetheygaveme,”Jeremysaid,takingoffhisnavy-bluesuitjackettorevealanimmaculatelypressedshirt.HewasdressedtoentertheSenatechamber,notAfghanistan.Afterdrapingthejacketacrossthebackofthedeskchair,heturnedtowardme,hisbrowneyessweepingovermewiththesameassessmenthegavethesuite.Thelittlecreaseinhisforeheadtoldmehefoundmeaslackingashedidhisownaccommodations
Forthefirsttimesincewe’dstarteddatingbackatSyracuse,Ididn’tgiveashitwhathethoughtaboutme,mytravel-wornslacks,ormydustyblouse.Ididn’tneedtoimpresshimanymore.
Thethoughtmademestandalittletaller.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ipulledmyscarfoff,droppeditintomybag,andcrossedmyarmsovermychest.AfterfailingtogetSerenaonthehelicopter,thiswasthelastthingIwantedtodealwith.
Therewerenowordsforwhateverthehellwasgoingon,orhowIfeltaboutit.Everyfailureinmylifewasrearingitsheadtoday.Iwasatangleofcrossedelectricalwiresindangerofgoingupwiththeslightestprovocation.
“Neveronetobeataroundthebush,areyou,Isa?”Hewalkedforward,offeringmeoneofhisfivepracticedsmiles.Thisonewasnumberfour,hiscontrite-but-boys-will-be-boysversion.
Isa.Becausemyfatherhadbeentheonetointroduceus.
Iheldupmyhand,andhestoppedmidwayacrosstheroom,archingagroomedeyebrow.“Letmeguess,youborrowedDaddy’sprivatejet?”Icockedmyheadtotheside.“Oristhisacampaignstop?”
“Asyoucanimagine,thislittletripactuallymeantcancelingthreeofmyappearances.”Hissmilefaltered,andhescratchedthepointofhischin.“Appearancesyouweresupposedtoattendatmyside.”
“Thatwasn’tgoingtohappen,whetherornotIwasintheStates.”Ishookmyheadandmademywaytothelittletablebehindthecouch,leavingmybagonthesurfaceandrollingmystiffshoulders.“Andyoushouldn’tbehere,Jeremy.Iaskedyouforspace,andyouchasingmehalfwayacrosstheworldishardlygivingittome.”
“Comeon,Isa.”Heofferedmesmilenumberthree,theboyishoneheusedwheneverhewastryingtogethisway,theonethathadfooledmeintothinkingwehadashotatarealsecondchance.“Ithoughtyoulovedallthoseromantic,boldmovesinthebooksyouread.Iflewintoawarzoneforyou.Doesn’tthattellyouhowmuchIloveyou?HowbadlyIwanttomakethiswork?”
Ikeptthecouchbetweenuswhenhecamemyway.“Ittellsmeyouprobablyalreadyhadaphotoopportunitydownstairs,whereyouwerenodoubthelpingprocessvisas,ortalkingtowould-beconstituentsabouthowbesttoevacuatethem.”
Surpriseflaredinhiseyes,andthenhelookeddownwardashetrailedhisfingersacrossthearmoftheupholsteredcouch.“NaturallyIdidwhatwasneededtoconvincemyfatherthatthiswasacampaignexpense.”
“Aren’tyousickofthatyet?Constantlyappeasingyourfather?GodknowsIam.”Ididn’tevenrealizeituntilthewordswereoutofmymouth.Iwasstuckinaperpetualcycleoftryingtopleasethemeninmylife,onlytohavethemabandonmeattheirconvenience.SeeingNateonlymadeitthatmuchclearerbecauseunfortunately,insteadofbreakingthepattern,he’dbecomepartofit.
“Comeon,Isa.YouknowIcan’tgetelectedwithoutmydad’ssupport…weplaythegame.That’swhatwedo.”
“Right.Well,feelfreetogetrightbackonthatplane.”IfIcouldhaverolledmyeyesanyharder,theywouldhavecomeoutofmyhead.Politicsalwayscamefirstwithhim.ItwasoneofthemanyreasonsmyparentslovedhimmorethanIdid.
“Comewithme.”Thepleadinglookheshotmewasunpracticed,anditnearlydisarmedme.
“IfIhavetolistentoonemorepersonlecturemeabouthowunsafeitis—”Istarted.
“Ohno,”hesaid,shakinghishead.“Ihavenothingbuttheutmostrespectfortheworkyou’redoinghere.It’sgoingtobeagreatbulletpointonyourrésuméandtalkingpointforfutureinterviews,but…”
Myeyesflared.Ofcourseitwasallaboutpointswithhim.“Butwhat?”
Hecringedandofferedmesmilenumberthreeagain.“Butwehadanagreement.Youwouldsupportmeonthecampaigntrail,andIwouldn’tpushyoutoleaveyourcareeronceIwaselected.”
Mymouthopened,thenshut,thenrepeatedtheprocessasIstruggledtofindthewords.“AreyousodelusionalthatyouthinkIwouldshowuponyourarmafterIwalkedintoyourofficetofindClarisseBetariosplayedoutonyourdesklikelunch?”Thememorymademystomachchurn,butmyheartdidn’tachelikeitwassupposedto.
“Thatwas…unfortunate,”headmitted.“Butdon’tactlikeyouwereheartbroken.Weknoweachothertoowelltolie.Youwerepissed.Probablyembarrassed—”
“Humiliatedismorelikeit!”Myhandscurledintofists,myfingernailsbitingintomypalms.“Everyoneinthatofficeknewwhatwasgoingon,andbelieveme,theyweremorethanhappytotellmeitwasn’taonetimelapseinjudgment.You’vebeenhavinganaffairforsixmonths!Theinkwasn’tevendryonourengagementannouncement.”
Hetookaslow,deepbreath,andhiseyesshifted,ahabithehadyettocontrolthatmeanthewasscurryingforananswer.“Iregretthatyouwereembarrassed,Isa.Truly,Iam.”
Iblinked.“Butyoudon’tregretcheatingonme?”OfallthetacticsIthoughthe’duse,thishadn’tbeenone.
“Weagreednevertolietoeachother.”Hestraightenedhisshoulders.
“Right,becausethatwastheonlywayforwardafterwhathappenedafterSyracuse!”I’dbeensoincrediblystupidtotrusthimagain.
“Areyounevergoingtoletthatrest?”Herakedhishandsthroughhishair,mussingtheperfectbrownstrands.“Ithoughtwewerepastthat!”
“Yeah,wemovedontoyouscrewingyourstaff.Bigimprovement.”Igavehimathumbs-upandkickedoffmyshoes.ThankfullyI’dchosenflatsforthemeetinginMazar-i-Sharif,butmyfeetstillweren’treadytoforgiveme.
“Look,Ithoughtwe’ddiscussedhavinganopenrelationship—”
“Youdiscussed!”Islammedmyhanddownonthetable,thesoundoftheimpactofmyringagainstthewoodpunctuatingmydisgust.“Ineveragreed.Youknewthatwasnevergoingtoflywithme.Iwouldneveragreetothat!”
“Yourfatherwants—”
“Myfatherdoesn’tmakemydecisionsforme.”Irecognizedjusthowtruethewordswere,butonlybecauseitwasdawningonmejusthowfalsetheyhadbeeninthepast.EvenJeremywasDad’schoice,notmine,andI’dbeensohungryforhisapprovalthatI’dgoneagainstmygutandgivenasecondchancetoarelationshipthathadneverdeservedafirst.“Andasmuchashe’sdesperateforpoliticalties,he’dneverexpectmetoacceptlessthanIdeserve,andI’mfinallyseeingthatyou,Jeremy,arewayless.”
Heswallowedandglanceddownatmyhand.“Ifyou’restillwearingthering,thenthere’sstillhope.”
“Ihaven’ttakenitoffbecauseyouractionshaverenderedmespeechless,”Ireplied,walkingpasthimtowardthekitchenette.“Idon’tknowhowtotellpeoplewhyI’mnotwearingit.”
“Sojustkeepwearingit,”hesuggested,followingme.
Ipulledabottleofwaterfromthefridgeanddidn’tofferhimone.He’dtakenenoughfrommealready.ThenItwistedthetopoffanddrankalmosthalfofitingreedygulpsbeforesettingthebottleonthecounter.“Ifwe’regoingforcompletehonesty,let’sjustlayitout,”Isaid,bracingmypalmsonthecounterandhoppinguptositonit.“Neitherofusreallyhonestlywantsthis.It’sbeenengineeredbyeveryonearoundusforoptics.”
“Notjustforthegoodofmycareer,butforyourstoo.”Hetuggedhistieloose.
“Ineverwantedtogointopolitics.”Ishookmyhead.
Helaughed,anditwasn’tthehappy,melodioussoundhe’dperfectedovertheyears.Itwasrawandalittleugly,butatleastitwasreal.“Let’snotpretendwebothdon’tknowexactlywhyyouwentintopolitics.”Heshovedhishandsintohispockets.“Exactlywhyyou’restillhere.”
Igrippedtheedgeofthecounter,preparingmyselfforthescathingverbalassaultthathadmadehimsuchastarintheDA’soffice.Afterall,publicservicelookedmuchbetteronhisrésuméthanprivatepractice.
“Don’tactliketherehaven’tbeenthreeofusinthisrelationshipfromthesecondIsawyouagaininDCtwoyearsago.”Hiseyesnarrowed.“OrdidyouthinkIdidn’trecognizeyourbodyguardoutthere?Likeyoudidn’thavehispicturestucktoyourfridgeforthefirstyearofourrelationship.You’venevergottenoverhim.Imayhavesleptwithotherwomen,butIsureashelldidn’tloveanyofthem.”
Otherwomen?HownaivehadIbeen?
“Howwerewesupposedtohaveadevoted,committedrelationshipwhentherewasneveranyroomformeinyourheart?”Jeremycontinued.“Youmightnotlikeit,butwebothknowhe’sbeenstandingbetweenusforthelasttwoyears.OfcourseIwentlookingforsomeonewhoactuallywantedme,becauseyouneverreallydid.Itdidn’tmatterthatheleftyouinNewYork.You’vestillbeenpiningforhim.”
Isuckedinabreathbutdidn’tdenyit.“Mindyourwords,Jeremy.”
Heputuphishandsandbackeduptwosteps,leavingthekitchenette.“Oh,heavenforbidIspeakagainstthesaintthatisNathanielPhelan.Tellme,ishethereasonyou’vebeendecliningmycalls?ThereasonyouweresoquicktotakeNewcastle’splaceonthatplane?Didyouknowhewashere?Haveyoubeenhavingthesamekindoffunyou’reguilt-trippingmefor?”
“Idon’toweyouananswer,”Isaid,liftingmychin.“Butjustsoyoudon’tthinkI’manythinglikeyou,no.Ididn’tseekNateout.Hejusthappenedtobeorderedhereandassignedtome.”
“Ofcoursehewas.”JeremyglaredatthewallasthoughhecouldseeNatestandingontheothersideofit.“That’sthethingwithyoutwo,right?Youseemtomagicallyappearintheother’slives.”
“Yourpointis?”NateandIhadaconnectionIdespisedbutalsomarveledat,anditwasn’tupfordiscussion,notwithJeremy.
Hemovedquickly,reachingformyarm,andIslidoutofhisgrasp.“Touchmeagain,andI’llscream.You’llbedeadinseconds.Natedoesn’tcarewhoyourdaddyis.”ThethreatleftmymouthbeforeIcouldthinktwiceaboutriskingNate’scareeroverasituationIshould’vebeenabletohandlemyself.
Thenagain,thethreatworked,becauseJeremytookastepback.
“Haveyoufuckedhim?”Jeremy’sfaceturnedamottledshadeofred.“Imean,thistimearound?”
“You’reseriouslygoingtoaskmethat?LikeI’mtheonewho’sbeencheatinginthisrelationship?”Islidoffthecounterbutleftmyarmslooseatmyside,readytoreachforthepanicbuttoninmypocketifJeremydecidedthatgrabbingontomewasn’tenoughthistime.
“Heputmeintothewall,Isa.”AcornerofJeremy’smouthquirkedupwardbutdidn’tquitereachsmilenumbertwo,thesmirk.“Prettypassionateresponse,ifyouaskme.Prettydangerousone,too,ifyouaskme.”
“He’s.My.Security.Detail.”Ibitouteveryword.
“Securitywouldhaveheldmywrist.Yourmanwentformythroat.”Heblinked,andthenhisexpressionshifted,likehewascalculatingsomething.“Holdon.Thiscanwork.”
“I’msorry?”EveryminuteIspentinhiscompanywasconvincingmeoftheopposite.
“Asmuchasitchafesmypride,you’llseethatIcancompromise.Icameheretogetyouback,andthat’sexactlywhatI’mgoingtodo.Youwanttogetbackatme?Fine.Doit.Youcanhavehim,andIcancontinuewithmore…discretion.”Thereitwas,smilenumberone,thepolitician.
Myjawdropped.
“Don’tyousee?”Heshrugged,thegesturedisturbinglyhappy.“It’sperfect.Ourfamilieswillgetwhattheywant,ourcareerswillflourish,andwe’llbothfindsatisfactionelsewhere.Itwouldn’tbethefirstarrangementofitskind.HalftherelationshipsinDCarestaged.Thinkofitaslessofamarriageandmoreofapartnership.Analliance.”
IstaredinopenshockasanyfeelingsIcarriedforhimshriveledanddied.MaybeI’dalwaysknownthatourrelationshipwasremarkablyconvenient,butI’dstillthoughtitwasbasedonmutualaffectionandlove.
ButthatdullacheinmyheartatthememoryofJeremy’sinfidelitywasnothingcomparedtothewayithurttoevenbreatheknowingthatNatewasontheothersideofthewall.Damnit.I’dbeenfoolingmyselfforthelasttwoyears.
“Thisisgreat,”Jeremycontinued,noddingenthusiastically.“Everyonegetswhattheywant.”
“ExceptthatIdon’twantyou.”Iyankedtheringfrommyfinger.
“Noonehascaughtwindofwhathappened.Westillhavetimetosalvagethis.We’llsaythatIflewhereoutofgallantconcernforyoursafety,andthemediawilleatitup.”Heignoredme,staringoffintothecenteroftheroomashespatouthowtospinit,howtocontrolwhateverfallouttheremightbe.
“Jeremy,”Isaidwithenoughforcethatheturnedbacktowardme.
“What?”Hisbrowknitalmostcomically.
“Imadeamistake,andI’msorry.”Ireachedforhishand.
Hisfacesoftenedasourfingersbrushed.“It’sokay.It’sallfixable.Istillwanttomarryyou.”
Ipushedtheringintohispalm,andthencurledhisfingers,closinghisfistaroundtheheirloomdiamond.“ButIdon’twanttomarryyou.ImadeamistakethinkingthatwhatIfeltforyoucouldgrowifIgaveitenoughtime.Imadeamistakegivingintowhatmyparentswantedjustbecauseitwascomfortable,becauseIthoughtI’dfinallyearntheirapproval.Imadeamistakeinsettlingforsomeonewhoobviouslydoesn’tknowthemeaningoflove,ordevotion,orexclusivity.Iwillneverbewhatyouwant,andyouwillnevergivemewhatIdeserve.ImadeamistakewhenIsaidyes,andnowI’mremedyingit.”
Hestareddownathisclosedfist.“Youdon’tmeanthat.”
“Ido.”Inodded,usingtheopportunityhisshockprovidedtopassbyhimandwalktowardthedeskwherehe’dlefthisjacket.Itooktheexpensivefabricinmyhandandthenmovedtothedoor,graspingthehandle.
“Youdon’t,”heargued,pivotingtofaceme,shakinghisheademphatically.“Youaren’ttellingmeno.That’snotpossible.”
Isighedandopenedthedoorasawaveofpitywashedoutwhateverwasleftofmyangerathim.“Oh,Jeremy.Someoneshouldhavetoldyounoalongtimeago.”
Hiseyesflewwide.
“Hey,”Isaidintothehallway,thenstartled.Itwasn’tNatestandingguardatmydoor.ItwasSergeantGray.
Mystomachsank.
“Ms.Astor?”SergeantGrayasked,liftinghisthickbrows.
“Right.”Iforcedasmile.“Sorry.Mr.Covingtonwasjustleaving.Couldyoupleasemakesurehegetsbacktohisroom?”Iasked.
“Isa!”Jeremyargued.
SergeantGrayquicklysquelchedasmile.“Absolutely.Mr.Covington,Ibelieveyoursuiteisnextdoor.”
“Fuckthis.”Jeremystompedpastme,snatchinghisjacketoutofmyhands.“You’llregretthis,Isa,andwhenyoudo,Imightnotbewillingtotakeyouback.”
SergeantGraystoicallyignoredtheexchange.
IletJeremyhavethelastword,knowingtheconversationcouldn’tpossiblyendanyotherway.He’djustkeeptalking.
“Thankyou,”IsaidtoSergeantGray.Whenhenodded,Ishutmydoor,lockedit,andthenleanedbackagainstthewood,slidingdownslowlyuntilmyasshitthefloor.
Ishould’vebeenangryaboutalotofthings.Myfather’sconstantpoliticalchessmoves,theflippantwayJeremytreatedhischeating,ormyownparticipationinsomethingthatobviouslyneverhadachance.
ButtheirethatconsumedmythoughtsprickledmyskinbecauseJeremywasrightaboutonething.
Itdidn’tmatterwhoImet,whoIdated,orwhoItriedtolove.
Natewouldalwaysbeintheway,evenifhewasneverphysicallythere.
ItwasimpossibletogiveawayaheartI’dnevergottenbackinthefirstplace.CHAPTERSIXTEEN
NATHANIEL
Georgetown
March2015
“Ionlygettwodayswithyou,andyouwanttospendtonightatabar?”Izzyshoutedoverthepoundingbeatofthebassintheclubaswesurveyedthegrindingbodiesonthecrowdeddancefloor
“IpromisedyoursisterI’dtakeyouout,”Ireplied.“Thatwasthedealforherkeepingmytripasecret.”Mypulseleaptatthecrushofthecrowdaroundus,itsproximity,itsnumbers.Thereweretoomanypeoplebetweenusandtheexit.Toomanypeopletokeeptrackofwhosehandswerewhere,whomightbereachingforwhat.Toomanyfuckingpeopleingeneral.
Thishadbeenabadidea,andyetI’dfoughttoothandnailforspecialpermissiontotakeaweekendpassbeforecompletingreintegrationtrainingwiththerestofmyunit.Notlikethatshithelped,anyway.
“Iknowyoumustbeexhaustedafternotsleepinglastnight,”shestarted,twolittlelinesappearingbetweenherbrows.Damn,I’dalmostforgottenhowlongherlasheswere.Picturesdidn’tdoherjustice.
“I’mokay.We’renotspendingyourbirthdayworryingaboutme.”GuessIhadn’tbeenasstealthyasI’dthoughtduringmysleeplesshours,butatleastI’dkeptmypersonalpromisetorackoutonhercouchandkeepmyhandstomyself.Lookingathernow,inthatV-neckwrap-styleblouse,andjeansthatlookedliketheywerecreatedwiththesolepurposeofhuggingherass,IwasprettysureIdeservedsainthood.Hell,Ideservedsainthoodthesecondshe’dinvitedmetosleepinherbedandIhadmanagedtodecline.
TherewasnothingIwantedmorethantopullheragainstmeandpickupwherewe’dleftoffninemonthsago,withmytongueinhermouthandherlegswrappedaroundmywaist.Buttherewerethingsshedidn’tknow,andIhadthefeelingthatonceshedid,shewasn’tgoingtowantmeinherbed,evenifwewereonlysleeping.
Itdidn’tmatterhowbadlyIwantedIzzy,whenIlogicallyknewIcouldneverhaveher.Shewasoutofmyleagueineveryway.Shewouldbeoutintheworldsoonenough,changinglives,andtheonlythingIwasgoodatwasendingthem.Iwasturningouttobeimmeasurablymoreviolentthanmyfatherwas.Atleasthe’dneverkilledanyone.
“Comeon,”Isaid,holdingoutmyhand.“Let’sgetyouthedrinkIpromisedSerena.”
“Onedrinkandwe’reout.”Shelacedherfingerswithmine,andjustlikewewerebackonthatplane,tumblingtowarduncertainty,Ifelttheunmistakablewarmthofhome.
“Agreed.”Iledusthroughthecrowd,fightingtheriseofmybloodpressurethatseemedtospikealittlehigherwitheverypersonwhobrushedagainstus,thenclaimedtheonlytwoemptybarstoolsatthecounter.
Izzytooktheoneclosesttothedoor,andIsatsoIfacedher,casuallylookingbackovermyshouldertoseehowmanypeoplewerebehindus.Therewereonlyahalfdozenorsobetweenthecornerofthebarandthewall,sothiswasdefinitelythelesseroftheevils.
Butitwasallstillprettyfuckingevil.Therewerepeoplebetweenusandeveryexitinthisplace.
“So,what’sitgoingtobe?”Iasked,loweringmyvoicenowthatweweren’tinthedirectblastradiusofthespeakers.“Beer?Tequila?Cosmo?”
“Nope.”Shedrummedherpaintedfingernailsonthecounterandlookedovertheshelvesofliquorasthebartenderapproached.
“WhatcanIgetyou?”thebartenderasked,flashingmeasmile.
Afewyearsago,thebrunettewouldhavebeenjustmytype.
ButI’dfoundoutoverthelastyearthatmytypewasnowIsabeauAstor.Notjustblonde.Notjustbrowneyes.Notonlyquickwitsandaninfectiouslaugh.Notjustatendencytotalkaboutfourteensubjectsatoncethroughlipssofterthansilk.OnlythecompletepackageofIzzyseemedtodoitforme.Nooneelse.I’dfallenforheralittleharderwitheveryletter,everysecretsheshared,everytimeshemademelaugh.Anditwasn’tthatIhadn’thadofferswhilewewereinthesandbox,orthatI’ddeludedmyselfintothinkingshewasbackherewaitingforme,especiallyafterI’dtoldhernotto.ItwasjustthatnoonewasIzzy.
Whichputme—bothofus—inadamnablesituation.
“Aglassofchampagne,”Izzyorderedwithagrin.
“Champagne?”thebartenderasked,leaninginlikeshe’dmisheard.
“Yep,”Izzyreplied,reachingintoherpurseandhandingherdriver’slicensetothebartender.“It’smybirthday.”
“Soitis.Happybirthday.”ThebartendersmiledandhandedbackIzzy’sID.“Andforyou?”sheasked,turningtowardmeandleaningineventhoughIhadn’tspoken.
“Yuengling,please,”Iordered,reachingformywallet.“Andwe’lltakethebottleofchampagneifyoudon’tservebytheglass.”
“I’vegotyou,”thebrunettesaid,gettingtowork.
“Sowhatwasyourfavoritepartoftoday?”Izzyasked.“WhenIdraggedyoutomyfavoritepizzaplace?Myfavoritebakeryformyfavoritecupcakes?OrwhenIhauledyouthroughcampus?”
“Everythingaboutseeingyou,”Iansweredhonestly.Theabilitytospeakmymindaroundherwasmyfavoritepartofour…whateverthiswas.Therewasnoneedtoplaygames,toplaycoyorevenflirt.IcouldbeexactlywhoIwasandsayexactlywhatIwasthinkingwhenitcametoIzzy.
TodayhadbeeneverythingI’dtraveledfromSavannahtogiveher,andIhadtogiveSerenamajorcreditformakingithappen.ThesecondI’dmessagedherfromtheInstagramaccountIzzyhadinsistedIsetup,tellingherIwantedtosurprisehersister,Serenahadhappilyflippedherlid.She’dalsoslippedinthefactthattheirparentshadbailedonIzzyasusual,andthatshewasn’tseeinganyone,intothebriefconversation.
Notgoingtolie,I’dbeen…relieved—abouttheboyfriendsituation,notherparents.NotthatIzzydidn’tdeservesomeone.Shedid.IwasjustselfishlygladthatI’dgethertomyselffortheweekend.
Hersmilewasinstantandheart-stoppinglybeautiful.“JustwaituntilwegethomeandImakeyouwatchLadyhawke.”
“Yournamesake?”Thecornersofmymouthcurved.“Can’twait.”IwouldsitaroundandwatchsomeonereadaphonebookifitmeantIgottobewithIzzy…Ijustwasn’tsureIwasgoingtolastinthisbarmuchlongerwithoutlosingwhateverwasleftofmysanity.
“Ifyoucouldonlywatchonemoviefortherestofyourlife,whatwoulditbe?”sheasked.
“That’satoughone.”Myeyesmethers,andIknewwhatshewasdoing—thesamethingI’ddoneforherontheplane,distractingmewiththequestions.
“Takeyourtime.”
“LordoftheRings:ReturnoftheKing,”Ianswered.“ButmaybemyanswerwillchangetoLadyhawkeaftertonight.Whoknows?”
Sheleanedinandbrushedhermouthovermine,andeverynerveinmybodywentonhighalert.“Thankyoufortoday.”
Ithreadedmyfingersthroughherhairandpulledherin,deepeningthekissbutkeepingmytonguefirmlybehindmyteeth.Thefirsttasteofherwasarushthatfloodedeverycellinmybody.Keepingmyselfincheckwasastruggle,butImanaged.Iwasn’tabouttokissherthewayIwantedinfrontofallthesepeople,soIpulledawaybeforeweheadedthatdirection.
Shesmiledagainstmymouthaswebrokeapart,herhandrisingtoherchest.“Youshouldfeelthewaymyheartispounding.”HerfingersbrushedoverthelittlelocknecklaceI’dboughtherforherbirthday.Theshitthatcameinthelittleblueboxeswasexpensive,andshe’dprotested,butIfiguredclassygirlsworeclassyjewelry.
“Minetoo.”Maybetheadmissionwasn’tsmooth,butIdidn’tfeelthatkindofpressurearoundIzzy.
“Hereyouare,”thebartendersaidasshereturned,puttingourordersinfrontofus.
Izzyleanedback,andIinstantlymournedthelossofhermouth.
“Thankyou.”IputmydebitcardonthecounterbeforeIzzycouldeventry.“Foratab.”
“Wewon’tneedatab.”Izzyshookherheadasshetooktheslimstemofthechampagneglassbetweenherfingers.“We’reonlystayingforonedrink.”Sheglancedmyway.“Andthankyou.”
“I’llgetyourcheck.”Thebartendernoddedandtookmycardtotheregister.
“Yousureaboutonlyonedrink?”IliftedmybrowsatIzzy.“It’syourbirthday.I’mdownforwhateveryouwant.”
“Idon’twanttobedrunkonthelastnightIgettohaveyouwithme.”Sheshrugged.
Iwouldhaveargued,butIknewexactlyhowshefelt.Iwantedtoremembereverysinglesecond.“Happybirthday,Isabeau.”Iliftedmybeer.
“Thanks,Nate.”Shesmiledandclickedherglassagainstmine.“I’msogladyoucame.”
“Metoo.”
Afterthebartenderbroughtmycardback,IzzyandIsattheretalkingaboutherclassesforthebetterpartofahalfhourwhileshesippedherchampagne,andIbarelytouchedmybeer.Everytimeshetriedtosteertheconversationtohowthedeploymenthadgoneforme,Icarefullyalteredcourserightbacktoher.Itriedtositstill,tofocusonlyonhersmile,herlaugh,thelightinhereyes,theoverwhelmingwayIwantedheranddidn’thaveadamncluewhattodoaboutit.Butthewallsclosedintighterandtighter,andthepeoplecamecloser,reachingaroundustogettothebar,bumpingintomyback,reachingintotheirpocketsfor…wallets.
Just.Wallets.
Notweapons.
BecauseIwasstateside,notinAfghanistan.
Fuck.Itwasn’tthisbadlasttime.Thenagain,Ihadn’tspentninestraightmonthsinhell,facingextensionafterextension.Rangersweresupposedtohaveshorter,morefrequentdeployments,butthathadn’tbeenourluck.Ihadn’tbeenwoundedthistime,butIhadn’tstoodinfourseparateformationsinfrontofmakeshiftmemorialsofbootsandrifleslasttimeeither.Hadn’t—
Nothere.Itookasdeepofabreathasmytightchestwouldallowandshovedallthatshitbackintheboxwhereitbelonged.IglancedbackatIzzytoseeherwatchingmeinthatwayshehad,likeshecouldcutthroughallthebullshitwithnothingbutherbeautifuleyes.
“Ifyouhadtopickazombie-apocalypsepartner,whowoulditbe?”sheasked,thenthrewupafinger.“Presentcompanyexcepted.That’sjustaneasywayout.”
“Rowell,Iguess.”Torreswouldhavechosenhisgirlfriend,anditfeltwrongtodeprivethemanofhislovelife,eveninahypotheticalsituation.“We’vefoughtourwayoutofsomeshittogether.”
“Fairanswer.Now,let’sgetoutofhere,”shesaid.
“Youhaven’tfinishedyourdrink.”TherewasnowayIwasforcingheroutofherbirthdaycelebrationbecauseIcouldn’tholdmyselftogether.
Sherolledhereyes,downedthelastquarteroftheglass,andsetitonthecounter.“IhaveofficiallyfinishedthedrinkyoupromisedSerena.”Slippingoffherbarstool,sheheldoutherhandformine.“AndI’dhonestlyratherspendtherestofmynightathome.Withyou.”
“Notevenadance?”Iglancedtowardthecrowdedfloor,andeverymuscletensedreflexively.
“Notevenadance.”Shewiggledherfingers,andIcouldn’tresisther.Ifshewantedtogohome,I’dtakeherhome.
Ourfingerstwined,andIledusbackthroughthecrowdandoutoftheclub.ThebriskMarchairwasagodsendasithitmyface,fillingmylungsasItookmyfirstfullbreathsincewalkingin.
“Youokay?”sheaskedaswestartedwalkingdownthesidewalk,headingthehalf-dozenblockstoherapartment.
“Okayisarelativeterm.”Ipickedupherhandandpressedakisstothebackofit.Thetouchwasinnocentenough,butthescentofherperfumehadmythoughtsdippingintoflat-outcarnalterritory.Iwantedtostretchheroutunderneathmeandkisseverycurveshepossesseduntilthatscentwasbrandedonmybrain,replacingeverybadmemoryI’dgainedoverthelastfewyears.
“Youhaven’ttalkedaboutthelastninemonthsforyou,”shesaid,herfingerflexingaroundmineaswestartedtowalkagain.“Evenintheletters.”
Ilookedbothwaysbeforecrossingthefirststreetwithherandfumbledfortherightwords,iftheyevenexisted.“Writingyouwasmyescape.Iwasn’texactlyeagertoputallofthatonyou.”
“EvenifIwanttoknow?”Sheflinched.“Crap,thatcameoutweird.Imean,evenifIwanttolisten?”
“Iknowwhatyoumeant,”Irepliedsoftly,pullinghercloseragainstthebiteofthecold.She’dbeenagainstbringingacoat,butIguessitgavemeanexcusetoholdher.“Butit’snotaconversationforbirthdays.”Orever.
“Oh.”Shenoddedslowly.“Right.”
WepassedtherestoftheblocksinanawkwardsilencethatIloathed.EverythingwithIzzyhadalwaysbeen…easy,andI’djustputupabarrier.Itwasforthebest.Ididn’twanttheuglinessofwhatwentonovertheretotouchherinanyway.ButIfeltthatwallI’derectedlikeatangiblefencebetweenusaswemadeourwayintotheapartment.
Ifollowedherintothekitchen,andshedroppedherpurseonthecounter,grabbingtheboxwe’dcarriedhomefromthebakeryearlier.“Cupcake?”Sheputtheboxonthecounter,thenbracedherhandsandhoppeduptositnexttoit,herfeetswinginggently.“Ialwayslikesugarwithmymovies.”Flickingopentheboxtop,sherevealedthetencupcakeswehadn’teatenearlier.
Takingtheolivebranch,Ileanedintoseewhatwehadleft.
“Youdon’tseemlikeavanillaguy,”sheteased,lookingoverthecontents.“Maybeacarrotcakeone?”
Ishookmyhead,asmiletuggingatmymouth.“ThosewerealwaysTorres’sfavorites.Iswear,hehadoneeverydayforanentireyear.Ican’tstandthesmellofthemanymore.”Ittookmeasecondtorealizeshe’dstoppedbreathing.“Izzy?”Mygazeshottohers.
“Torres.That’syourbestfriend,right?”Fearwidenedhereyes.
“Yeah.Oneofthem.”Inodded,mybrowfurrowingatthelookonherface.
“Oh,no.Didhe…whileyouweregone…”Shepressedherlipsinatightline,andthepiecesclickedforme.
“No,Iz.No.He’snotdead.”Ishookmyheadandsqueezedherkneeinreassurance.“HejusthadtogiveupthecarrotcakecupcakeswhenhedecidedtogoforSpecialForcesselection.”He’dspentthelastfewmonthstryingtotalkmeintoit,too,sinceI’dbeenwaveringduringthedeployment.
Herentirebodyrelaxed.“Okay.That’sarelief.”
“Fitzdied,though.”Itooktheonethatlookedlikelemon,makingsuretherewasanotherjustlikeitbeforeliftingitfromthebox.Fitzwouldhavegoneforthechocolate.IbreathedthroughthestabofpainIrecognizedasgrief,thenshoveditintheboxwitheverythingelse.
“What?”
Shit.Ishouldnothavesaidthat.
Ipausedinpeelingthewrapperfromthecakeandfoundherstaringatme.“Fitz.Youmethim—”
“OnTybee.Iremember,”shewhispered.“He…died?”
Inodded.“Aboutamonthin.Therewasafirefight—”Mymouthsnappedshut.ThosewerethethingsIdeliberatelykeptseparate,andhereIwas,shatteringtheonlypeaceIhad.
“Nate,I’msosorry,”shewhispered,liftingherhandtomyshoulder.
“Don’tbe.”Icontinuedpeelingthewrapper,concentratingonthesightofthecakeandblinkingawaythememoryofthebloodpumpingoutofFitz’sbody.“Youdidn’tkillhim.”Thesubjecthadtochangeimmediately.“Whichflavorisyourfavorite?”
Silencestretchedbetweenus.
IlookedupandfoundherwatchingmewithalookI’dneverseenbefore.Shelookedlikeshedidn’tknowwhattosayorhowtoact,likeI’ddestroyedtheeasebetweenusforthesecondtimethatnight.“Whichisyourfavorite?”Iaskedagain.“Movietime,remember?”
“Redvelvet,”sheanswered,slowlytakingoneofthose.
Iputmycupcakedownandthenhelpedheroffthecounter,eventhoughIknewshedidn’tneedit.HercurvesslidagainstmeasIloweredhertotheground,settingmybodyonfire,butthewayhereyesdarkenedwasevenhotter.
Westoodthereforalongmoment,myhandsonherwaistasshestaredupatme,colorrisinginhercheeks,herchestrisingandfallingalittlefaster.
“Movie,”Iremindedher—remindedmyself.
“Right.”Shedrewhertongueacrossherbottomlip,andIbitbackagroan.“Prepareforgreatness,”shesaidandledmetothecouch.Sherestedherheadonmyshoulder,andIsavoredtheabsolutepeace.
Ihadn’truinedeverythingbykeepingherout.
Twohourslater,shelookedupatmewithexpectationasthecreditsrolled.“Whatdidyouthink?”
“Ithinkit’sbullshitthattheyonlygottoseeeachotheratdawnandsunset.”Iglaredatthescreen.
“Theywinintheend,”sherepliedwithalaugh,tuckingonelegunderherandturningtofacemeonthecouch,herkneebrushingmythigh.
“Doesn’tmeantheyearstheyspentlikethatweren’tbullshit.”Ishookmyhead.
“Aw,Nate.”Shegrinned,takingmyfaceinherhandsandpullingmyattentionfromthecredits.“You’rearomanticatheart.”
Iscoffed.“I’vebeenaccusedofalotofthings,Isabeau.Beingromanticisn’toneofthem.”TherewereonlytwopeopleintheworldIevenremotelysoftenedfor.Shejusthappenedtobeoneofthem.
Hergazeddroppedtomymouth,andIfistedthecushionbyhersidetokeepmyhandsfromreachingforher.“YouknowwhatI’vedecided?”
“What?”Mypalmsitchedtofeelthecurvesofherbody.
Sheleanedintomyspaceuntilherlipswereonlyamatterofinchesfrommine
Fuck,Iwasgoingtobreak.Icouldalreadytasteher,alreadyhearthelittlegaspsshemadebetweenkisses.Thememoryofherhadbeenmyconstantcompaniontheselastninemonths.
“Fiji,”shewhisperedagainstmylips
“I’msorry?”Thebloodhaddefinitelyfledmybrain.
“Fiji.”Hersmilewascontagiousassheswungonekneeoverandsettledintomylap,straddlingme.“That’swhereweshouldgoforvacation.It’swarm.Ithassandybeaches.It’sremote,soyouwon’tworryaboutcrowds.”
“Ilikebeaches.”ThelasttimeI’dbeenononehadbeenwithher.Myhandsrosetoherhipsasarousalhummedthroughme.
“Good.ThenFijiitis.”Sheranherfingersthroughmyhair,andIleanedintohertouch.Herlipsghostedacrossmine.“Youcankissmeinthewater.”
Yep.Iwasdonefor.Thestrandsofmygoodintentionswereunravelingbythesecond.ItwasallIcoulddotokeepfromflippingherbacktothecouch.
“Nate?”Herlipsblatantlyteasedmine.
“Hmm?”
“I’mgoingtokissyounow.”
TheywerethesamewordsI’dsaidtoherbackinGeorgia,butfuckmeiftheydidn’tsoundamilliontimessexiercomingoutofhermouth.
Ikissedherfirstandgroanedwhensheopenedforme.Shewassodamnedsweet,hertonguerubbingagainstmineasIrelearnedeverylineofhermouth.KissingherwasjustasexplosiveasIremembered,andathousandtimesmoreaddictive.
MyfingersspearedthroughherhairasItiltedourheadsfortheperfectangle,thekissspinningoutofcontrol.Herbreastspressedagainstmychest.Herhipsrockedovermine.Herbreathbecamemyown.ThiswasexactlywhereIbelonged,wherevershewas.
Theconnectionbetweenuswasasundefinableasitwasundeniable.
“I’dalmostforgottenhowgoodatthisweare,”shesaidbetweenkisses.
“Ithoughtaboutiteverysingleday.”IangledherhipsandrolledminesoshecouldfeelexactlywhatIwasthinkingrightnow.
“Imissedyou.”Shekissedmyjaw,myneck,asherhandssweptdownmyarms,thenmytorso.“AndIknowIshouldn’thave.Thatit’scompletelyillogical—”
Ifistedmyhandinherhairandbroughthermouthbacktomine,usingmylipsandtonguetotellherthatIfelttheexactsameway.Myfingersdriftedfromherhiptothesmallofherback,slippingunderhershirttostrokethehollowofherspine.
Shegaspedatthelighttouch,andIswallowedthesound.
“Ibetyou’resensitivelikethiseverywhere,aren’tyou?”Iasked,trailingmyfingersupanddownthesmoothskinofherback.
“Whydon’tyoufindout?”Herhandsworkedatherwaistandherblousefellopentothesides,revealingapale-bluelacebrathatcuppedherbreastswithanexpertisethatmademymouthwater
“Fuck.”Thewordescapedasagutturalgroan.“Youaresogoddamnperfect,Isabeau.”
“Touchme.”
Shedidn’thavetotellmetwice.Myhandsstrokeduphersides,caressingthedipofherwaist,andthenupandoverherribsbeforecuppingherbreastsoverthelace.Shewasmorethanenoughtofillmyhands.“See?Perfect.”
Shelaughed,thenkissedme,andIlostmyself—andeverygoodintentionI’dhad—inthetasteofhermouth,thesoundofherlittlemoans,thefeelofhernippleshardeningbeneaththefabricunderthestrokeofmythumbs.
Ilickedandsuckedapathdownherthroatandacrosshercollarbone,thengraspedherasswithonehandandliftedherslightlysomyteethcouldtestthebudsofhernipples.ThelacewastoothickforwhatIneeded,whatIcraved.ItuggedonecupdownandsavoredthesoundofhersoftcryasIsuckedthepeakintomymouth.
“Nate!”Herfingernailsbitintomyshoulders.
Mydickstrainedatmyzipper,butIwasthankfulforthebarrier.ItkeptmeincheckasImovedtotheotherbreast,exposingitsoIcouldgiveitthesametreatment.“Sosensitive,”Isaidagainstherskinassheshuddered.
“OrmaybeIonlyrespondlikethisforyou,”shereplied,hervoiceallbreathyandsexyashell.
Ididn’twantanyoneelsetouchingherlikethis.
Mine.Fate,God,whateverenergyruledtheuniversehadbroughthertome.Andshe.Was.Mine.
Exceptshewasn’t.Therewasareasonweshouldn’tbedoingthis,butIcouldn’trememberwhatitwas.
Ishovedthatthoughtaside,kissingherdeep,thenbandingmyarmaroundherbackandflippingussoshewasunderneathme.Badidea.Myhipssettledintothecradleofherslikethey’dbeencreatedtofitmine.
Herhandsstrokeddownmyback,thentuggedupmyshirtandtookthesamepathalongmybareskin.MycommonsensefledasIrockedagainsther,elicitingthesweetestmoanI’deverheard.
“Again,”shedemanded,slidingherhandstomyass.
Ipressedahotkisstoherthroatandgaveherwhatwebothwanted.White-hotneedraceddownmyspine.KissingherfeltlikeIwassixteenagain,withnocontrol,noexperience,justblind,primalwant.
“Tellmewhatyouneed,”IsaidbetweenkissesasImoveddownhernecktoherbreasts,flickingmytongueoverthepeaksoneatatime.
“Iwantyoutotouchme,”shesaid,archingupformymouthasIrolledmyhipsagainsthersagain.Therewastoomuchspacebetweenus.Toomanyclothes.Whichwasagoodthing…ifIcouldjustrememberwhy
“Tellmehow.”IwantedthewordsasIpressedmymouthtothesensitiveskinbeneathherbreastsandthenthehollowjustunderherribs,whereherstomachplaned,kissingeverylineofthescarsfromtheplanecrash.
“Oryoucouldtellmehowyouwanttotouchme,”shechallenged,smilingevenasherbackbowedthecloserIgottothebuttonofherjeans.
Iliftedmyheadandmethergaze.“Iwanttounzipyourpantsandslidemyfingersbetweenthesesweetthighstoseejusthowwetyouareforme.”
Herlipspartedandhereyesglazed.
“AndthenIwanttodipthosefingersinsideyousoIcanstrokeandtease.”Myhandmovedacrossthewaistbandofherjeans,andIwatchedherforanysignofhesitation.“ButI’mgoingtoneedyoutotellmethat’swhatyouwant.”Herdilatedpupilsandstutteredbreathsweren’tenough.
Iwasn’tgoingtoscrewthisupoveralackofclearcommunicationorpushherfurtherthanshewantedtogo.
“That’sexactlywhatIwant,”shesaid,coveringmyhandwithhersandputtingitrightoverthebutton.
Fuckyes.
Eyeslockedwithhers,Iflickedopenthebuttonanddrewthezipperdown.
Shenodded,tuggingherlowerlipbetweenherteeth.
Themotionsnappedmyself-control,andIroseupoverher,suckingthetendercurvefree,thenkissingherbreathless.Shesuckedmytongueintohermouthasmyfingersslidunderthelaceofherunderwear,andIgroaned.
Shefeltlikeheaven,hot,slick,andsofterthansatin.
“You’resofuckingwetthatyoucouldtakeallofmeinasinglethrust.”Icircledherclitwithmymiddlefinger,andherbackbowedagain.
“Nate!”Shepushedherhipsagainstmyhand.
Thesoundofmynamelikethatonherlipsmademydickthrob.
Makeherdoitagain.
“Sohot,”Iwhisperedwithanotherkiss,slidingafingerinsideher.“Ibetyou’dburnmealive.”Itwouldbeahellofawaytogo.
Itrembledlikeateenageratthefeelofherheat,thewayhermusclesclampeddowntightaroundmyfingerasIstrokedinandoutasIwatchedher,catalogingexactlywhatmadehergasp,andwhatmadeherhipsswivelformore.
“OhmyGod,”shemoaned,herfingersdiggingintomybackwithabiteofpleasurewhenIpumpedasecondfingerintoher,wishingitwasmycock.
Iwasn’tastrangertolust,butthiswassomethingelseentirely.I’dneverlivedforthesoundofawoman’sgasp,neverhadmynextbreathdependonhers,neverbeensofocusedonherpleasurethatminedidn’tmatter.MyworldnarrowedtoIzzy.Ididn’tjustwanthertocome;Ineededherto.
Mythumbstrokedherclit,workingherrelentlesslyasmyfingerscurledaftereverythrust,hittingoverandoveratthespotthatmadeherhipsjerkupwardandherbreathcatch.
“Beautiful,Isabeau.”Ikissedhersoftlyasherthighslocked,thenquivered.“You’resobeautiful.”Itonlytookalittlemorepressurefrommythumb,andshedancedtotheedgeofherorgasm.Ifeltitinherquickinhales,thesqueezeofherinnermusclesaroundmyfingers,andthetighteningofherbodyundermine.
“Nate…”Sherockedbackintomyfingers,ridingmyhand,seekingoutwhatsheneeded,andIpressedmydickintoherthightokeepfromstrippingoffwhatclothesshehadleftandtakingher.
Icouldn’ttakeher.
She’dneverforgivemebecauseshedidn’tknow—
Herbackbowedandshecriedoutasshecame,herwallsflutteringagainstmyfingers,herbackarchingoverandover
WatchinghercomeundoneandknowingI’dbeentheonetotakehertherewasthehighlightofmyentirefuckinglife
Iburiedmyfaceinherneck,kissinghersoftskinandinhalingthesweetscentofherperfumeasIeasedherdown.OnlywhenshefelllimpunderneathmedidIslidemyfingersfromthewarmthofherbodyandkisshermouthonelasttimebeforesittingup.
I’drememberedexactlywhygoinganyfurtherwouldmakemeanasshole.
Shelookedatmethroughhazyeyesandsatupwithme,reachingformyjeans.
“Wecan’t.”Iflewoffthecouchlikeitwasonfireandnearlytrippedoverthecoffeetable.Smooth.
“Whynot?”Shearchedabrowandglancedmeaningfullyatmydick.“I’mnotblind,andyouclearlywantto.”
“Trustme,Iwantto.That’snottheproblem.”Ishookmyhead.TheknowledgethatIwasabouttodisappointherwasallthatheldmeback.Shedeservedsomuchmorethansomeonewhoflewinandoutofherlifelikeahurricane.Shedeservedsomeonewhocouldgivehereverything.
“IsitbecauseIsuggestedFiji?”sheasked,andittookeveryounceofself-controlI’deverhad,oreverwouldhave,tokeepmyeyesonherface,andnotherbarebreastsrisingaboveherbra.
“No.IwouldlovetogotoFijiwithyou.”Damnit,Icouldstilltasteherskin,andIwasprettysurethatfortherestofmylife,I’dbeinstantlyhardthesecondIsmelledherperfume.
“Okay,thenwhat’swrong?”
Ilookedintothosebig,browneyesanddebatedlying,preservingthetinybreathofhappinessthatexistedinthismoment,butIjustcouldn’t.“Ican’tgountil2017.”
Sheclutchedthesidesofhershirtandtiedit,coveringherincrediblebody.“Becauseyoudon’thavetime?Doyouneedtogohomeinstead?BecauseIgetitifyouneedtoseeyourmom.”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“SheactuallyflewoutwhenIgothomeacoupledaysago.”Besides,MomknewthatasmuchasIlovedher,Iwasn’tevergoingbacktherewhilehecouldstillbreathe.“Wecan’tdothisbecauseasmuchasIwouldlovefornowtobetherighttimeforus,itisn’t.”
“Itisn’t?”Shedrewherkneestoherchest,andmystomachtwisted.
“Itcan’tbe.I’monorderstoanewpost.Threemonthsfromnow,I’llbestationedatJointBaseLewis-McChord.It’sinWashingtonState.”
“That’snottheWashingtonIwashopingfor.”Hershouldersslumped,andshetuckedherlongblondehairbehindherears.
“Yeah.”Iswallowed.“Iwasn’tgoingtotellyouonyourbirthday,notthat…”Fuck.WhatwasItryingtosay?“Notthatitshouldbotheryou—”
“Ofcourseitbothersmethatyou’rebeingsentacrossthedamnedcountry.”Shestood,wrappingherarmsaroundherwaist.“AndIknowthatIdon’thavearighttoexpectanything—youwerereallyclearinSavannahthatwe’renottogether—butIwashoping…”Hereyesclosed,andsheblewoutalong,frustratedsigh.“Idon’tknowwhatIwashoping.”
“Ido.”Imovedtowardherandcradledherfacewithmyhands.“IwashopingI’dbeahellofalotclosertoyouthantwenty-eighthundredmiles.I’dhopedthatwecouldactuallybemorethanapossibility.”
Sheliftedherhandtomychest.“Metoo.”
Thereitwas.Everythingthatneededtobesaidandeverythingwecouldn’t.
“Howlongwillyoubethere?”sheasked.
“Probablythreeyears,”Isaidassoftlyaspossible.
Herbreathcaught,andthewarofemotionsthatwagedinhereyeswasenoughtocrumplemychest.“Threeyears.”
“Andthat’snotall.”Shit.I’davoidedthissinceI’dwalkedthroughthatdoor,andyethereIwas,walkingrightintoit.“TheunitI’mheadedtoisalreadyonthepatchchartforrotationinafewmonths.Anotherdeployment.”Icouldbarelygetthewordsoutwhenitlookedlikeeachoneslicedhertothequick.
“You’re…”Herlowerliptrembled.“You’regoingback?”
Iranmythumbacrossherlipsandtriedtoignorethecrushingfeelinginthecenterofmychest.“I’malwaysgoingback,Isabeau.They’rejustshorter,morefrequentdeployments,aslongaswedon’tgetextended.You’reinlawschool.Youhavemoreimportantthingstofocusonthansomeonewhocanbarelygetwithinthreethousandmilesofyouonaregularbasis.”
“Andweagreednottostartsomethinglongdistance.”Asadsmileliftedthecornersofhermouth.“We’vealreadycoveredthattopiconce.”
“Right.Iwon’tdothattoyou.EvenwhenI’llbeintheStates,I’llprobablybeatsomeschooloranotherforprofessionaldevelopment.Allwe’deverhaveareweekends.”WeekendsIwouldlivefor,butIwouldn’tacceptthesameforher.
“MaybeIcoulddoweekends.”Herhandfistedinmyshirt.
“Untilyoucouldn’t.Untilwecouldn’t.Untilitgottobesomethingthatbrokeusboth.Thelastninemonthsfeltlikeaneternity.Imissedyoueverysinglesecondofeverysingleday,Izzy,andweweren’teveninarelationship.Imaginewhatthreeyearswouldfeellike.”Ileaneddown,puttingmyforeheadagainsthers.“We’dkillthepossibilityofusbeforeweevenhadashotatsucceeding.Idon’twanttowasteourshotbytakingitbeforewe’reready.”
“Sowhyevencomehere?”sheaskedquietly,hereyessearchingmine.
“BecauseIcouldn’tstayaway.”Thetruthofitwassimple,andyetitcomplicatedeverything.
“Andisthiswhatyouwantforus?”Oneofherhandssliduptoholdthebackofmyneck.“Tobewhat?Penpals?Friends?Youwantmetodateotherguyswhileyoudateothergirls?”
Myjawticked.“Ofcoursethat’snotwhatIwant,”Isomehowmanagedtosay.She’dtoldmeallabouttheguysshe’ddatedwhileIwasgone.Alllawstudents.Allhere.Allinfinitelymorecapableofmakingherhappy.“Butthat’swhereweare.Iwantyoutolive,Izzy.IwantyoutogotoclassandgetexcitedforyourFridaynights.Iwantyoutosmileandlaughandnotspendyourmonthslockedawayinyourroom,waitingforme.Itwouldkillmetowatchyouwasteyourlifelikethat.Iwantustogettheshotwedeserve,whichmeanswebothhavetoagreethetimingisright,andit’sjust…not.Notyet.”
“Haveyouthoughtaboutgettingout?”Thequestionwasbarelyawhisperandonlywordsawayfromarequest.
“Anddowhat?”Iliftedmyhead.
“Oh,Idon’tknow.”Sheshrugged,hersmileanythingbuthappy.“Yousaidontheplanethatyouwantedtoteach.”
Thatdreamfeltalifetimeaway.
“Wecouldmovesomeplacewherewecouldwatchpinetreessway,”shecontinued.“Likeaskiresort.Oroneofthosetowerswhereyouwatchthewildernessforfires.”
“Becausethat’sagooduseofyoureducation,”Iteased.
“Comeon.Playalong.”Shetuggedatmyshirtandlookedatmewithpleadingeyes.“Justpretendwithmeforaminute.”
Idroppedmyhandstoherwaistandtuggedheragainstme,thenignoredthepulsingofmydick,whichhadn’tgivenuphopethatI’dchangemymind.Iwouldn’t.
Shemeantmoretomethanasinglenight,andIwasinthisforthelonghaul.Thefar-distantlonghaul.
“Wecouldopenarestaurant.”Igrinned.
“Canyoucook?”sheasked.
“No.”Myshouldersshookwithwrylaughter.
“Icanmakeameangrilledcheese.”
Ikissedherforehead.“Thenthereyougo.We’llopenagrilledcheeserestaurant.”
Shelaughed,shakingherhead.“Comeon.Let’sgotobed.”
Goingtosleepmeantwe’dbehoursclosertomeleaving.
“I’msosorrytoruinyourbirthday,”Iwhispered.“Thatwasnevermyintention.”
Shegesturedattheclockonthewall.“It’seleventhirty,whichmeansit’sstillsalvageableifyouagreetocometobedwithme.Evenifit’sjusttosleep.”
“Justtosleep,”Irepeated,knowingthatlyingnexttoherwasonlygoingtoresultinasleeplessnightwhereIimaginedactingouteveryfantasyI’dhadoverthelastninemonths.Itsoundedlikethemostexquisiteformoftorture,andIwasdownforit.
Shebackedawayslowly.
Ifollowed.CHAPTERSEVENTEEN
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“Yougoingtohideinhereallmorning?”Torresasked,leaningagainstthedoorwithoneanklecrossedovertheother.
“It’sonlysevena.m.,andI’mnothiding.”Iturnedthepageinmybookandignoredhim,leaningbackagainstmyheadboard,mylegsstretchedoutinfrontofme.
“Lookslikehidingtome.”
Iwasn’thiding.Iwasalreadydressed,armed,andready.Ijustwasn’tonshift.Grahamwas,andhewasfullycapableofhandlingalittleshadowingwhileIzzyandDickfaceatebreakfast.
“Don’tyouhavesomethingbettertodo?”IaskedTorres,pickingupthehighlighterfrommynightstandandmarkingaline,pausinghalfwaythrough.NotthatIwasevergoingtogivethebooktoIzzy.Therewereatleastafewdozenofthesealready,allmarkedupandboxed.Oldhabitsdiehardandwhatnot.
“Hey,I’monlyinherebecauseapparentlyyoucan’tgetyourshittogether.”Heshrugged.“Otherwise,you’dalreadybeoutthere,tryingtotalkheroutofgoingtoKandahar.”
“Myshitisjustfine.”IreadthesameparagraphtwicebeforeIgaveupandclosedthebook.“AndI’mrealizingthatit’snotmyjobtotalkheroutofanything.Shehassomeoneforthat.”
Dickface.ShewasmarryingDickface.Aftereverythinghe’dputherthrough,she’dstillsaidyestohim,stillputhisringonherlefthand.
Irubbedmychest,rightabovemysternum,andfeltmylittlegoodluckcharmshiftonthechainagainstmyskin.ItwasfarpasttimethatIleftitathome,thatIrecognizeditforthebadomenitreallywas,buteverytimeItookitoff,Iputthethingrightbackon.
“Yeah.Lookslikeyou’resquaredaway.”Torresrolledhiseyes.“SweartoGod,nothingfucksyouupmorethanthatwoman.”
“She’snotfuckingmeup.”Iturnedthepagewithmoreforcethannecessary
“Maybethat’stheproblem,then.”Hepushedawayfromthedoorandwalkedacrosstheroom.“When’sthelasttimeyoutwowereinthesamespaceanddidn’twindupinbed?”
Iputmybookdownonthenightstand,sincereadingwasfutilewhenTorresgotintomyheadlikethis.“NewYork.”
“Yeah,that’swhatIthought.”Herubbedthebackofhisneck.“DoyouneedtobringJenkinsintotakeover?”
“No.”AspissedasIwas,asdisappointedasIwasthatIzzyhadsettled,thatdidn’tmeanIwasn’tgoingtoseethemissionthrough,orputherinapositionwhereshecouldbehurt.
Someonepoundedonmydoor.
ImutteredacurseandswungmylegsoffthebedasIrosetoanswerit.WhenIpulledthedooropen,Grahamstoodontheotherside.
Torresslidout,walkingintothehallway.“Good,nowhecandealwithyourmoodyass.”
“There’snewintel,”Grahamsaid,hisfacetight.“We’rebriefing.”
“Let’sgo.”Islungmyrifleovermyshoulderandclosedthedoorbehindme.GuessitwastimetofacerealityandDickface.
MaybeIhadbeenhiding.
Ahalfhourlater,wewerebriefed,andIstoppedavoidingIzzyandsoughtheroutinstead.Underanyothercircumstances,Iwouldn’tblinkoverbeinginarapidlydeterioratingcountrywheremyonlymissionwastogetoutasmanyAmericansaspossible.
Buttheseweren’tnormalcircumstances.IhadIzzytothinkabout.
Iwalkedthroughthecrowdedfoyeroftheembassyandsteppedintotheconferenceroomthecongressionalteamshadcommandeered,passingbyParker,whostoodguardatthedoor.IttookmealloftwosecondstofindIzzyintheorganizedchaosoftheroom.
Shestoodinthefarcorner,atelephoneheldbetweenhershoulderandearastheassistantsmovedfilesattheedgeofthelongtable.Oneofthemnearlyknockedalaptopoffthesurface.Guessweweren’ttheonlyonesonedge.
AftermakingaquicksweeptomakesureDickfacewasn’tonpremises,IheadedtowardIzzy.Shewasdressedinnavy-blueslacksandablousethatwasalightershade,herhairinalowbunthatlookedlikeitmightsurviveahelmet.
BecausewearingahelmetwastheonlywayIwaslettingheroutofthisbuilding.
“Ofcourseit’snobother,”shesaidintothephone,doubletakingwhenshesawmeapproaching.“You’retheoneupinthemiddleofthenight.”
Hereyeswereslightlyred,andnottheI-stayed-up-all-night-being-brought-to-orgasm-again-and-againvarietyofredIwasachinglyfamiliarwithwhenitcametoher.She’ddoneagoodjobwithhermakeup,too,buttheskinbeneaththebrownorbswasswollen.She’dbeencrying.Shetiltedherchinandheldmygaze,asifshewasdaringmetosaysomethingaboutit.
“Absolutely,SenatorLauren,”shecontinued.
“Wehavetotalk,”Isaid,keepingmyvoicelowsothesenatorwouldn’thear.
Izzysighed.“Ithinktheremaybesomesecurityconcerns,”shesaidintothephone.“Theheadofourdetailneedsawordwithme.”
Inodded.
“I’llask.”Shecoveredthemicrophone.“Istoday’smissionatdirectrisk?”
“Youbeinginthiscountryisarisk.Threemoreprovincesfellyesterday.”
Hereyeswidened,andherknuckleswhitenedonthephone.
“NotBalkhProvince,”Ireassuredher.“Mazar-i-Sharifisstillstanding.”
Sheletoutabreathofreliefanduncoveredthemicrophone.“Senator,weseemtohaveanissue.Ifyoudon’tmindholding,we’llgettosomewheremoreprivate.”
Izzymotionedtowardthedoor,andInodded,leadingheroutoftheconferenceroomandintoanearbyemptyoffice.Iclearedtheroomwithaquicklook,thenlockedthedoorbehindusasIzzysetherphoneonthecluttereddesk,tappingthespeakerphonebutton.
“Wehaveyouonspeakerphone,SenatorLauren,butit’sjustSergeantGreenandmeinthisroom,”Izzysaid,foldingherarmsacrossherchest.Somethingwasoffaboutthemotion,butIcouldn’tputmyfingeronit.
“SergeantGreen,Iunderstandthatyou’remyteam’ssecuritylead?”thesenatorasked,hervoicesurprisinglyalertforitbeingnearlymidnightinDC.
“Iam,ma’am.”
“WhatcanyoutellmeaboutthesafetyofIsa’splannedtriptoKandahartoday?”sheasked.
Forasplitsecond,Ipretendedthatthewomaninfrontofmewasn’tIzzy,thatshewasjustanotheraideonjustanothermission.Butshewasn’t.“Kandaharisconcerning.Thecity’sbeenundersiegeformonths,andhasn’tfallenyet,butallcivilianswereaskedtoevacuatesixdaysago,andtheairportisunderconstantthreat.I’mnotinfavoroftakingMs.Astorintothatkindofenvironment.Theteam’svisasarehere,andasfarasIknow,theplanisforthemtobeevac’dtomorrowbytheAfghanAirForce.Iseenoreasonforthetrip,honestly.Yes,itwouldbeagreatphotoop,butshecantakethephototomorrow,oncetheyarriveinKabul.DeliveringthevisasinpersonplacesMs.Astorinunnecessarydanger.”
Izzyshiftedherweightandleanedagainstthecleanestedgeofthedesk.“Idon’tmindthedanger.”
“Icertainlydo,”thesenatorreplied.“AnditcomplicateswhatIneedtotellyou.”
Itensedatthetoneinthesenator’svoice.
“Wereceivedacallthiseveningfromthecoach,anditseemsthey’renotcomfortablewiththeevacuationplan.”
Izzy’sbrowknit.“They’renot?”
“No.They’resayingthatgiventhestatusofthecity,theydon’ttrustanyofthemenclaimingtobeAfghanAirForce,whoare,ofcourse,coordinatingthetrip.”
“Fuck,”Imutteredundermybreath,rubbingthebridgeofmynose.
Izzychastisedmewithasinglelook.“Isee.”
“Newcastleaskedthemwhatwouldmakethemcomfortableenoughtoleaveandmentionedthatyou’reincountry,thinkingitwouldgivethemsomereassurance,”thesenatorcontinued.
Istoppedmyselffromcursingagain,knowingexactlywherethisconversationwasboundtolead.
“Theysaidthey’llonlytrustyou,Isa.”
Damnit.IhateditwhenIwasright.
“Oh.”Izzygrippedtheedgeofthedesk.“Becausetheydon’ttrusttheairforce?”
“Theydon’ttrustthemtobewhotheysaytheyare,”Isaid.“Unfortunately,that’sacommonproblem.Iassumetheteamisinhidingincasethecityfalls?”
“Theyare,”Izzyreplied.“Theyweresupposedtobemoved—”
“Totheairporttodaytoevactomorrow,”Ifinished.“That’swhytheyweremeetingyouthereforvisas.”
Izzynodded.
Mymindwenttowork.“IfIcangetafemaleoperatortotakeMs.Astor’splace,wouldthatbesufficient?”
IzzyshookherheadevenasSenatorLaurensaid,“No,I’mafraidnot.”
“WehadSkypecallsaspartoftheplanning,”Izzysaid.“TheyknowwhatIlooklike.”
Silencefilledtheoffice.
“Isa,I’mnotgoingtoaskyoutoputyourselfindangertogetthosegirls—”thesenatorstarted.
“Wecan’tjustleavethemthere,”Izzyinterrupted,hergazelockingwithmine.
“Canitbedonesafely…I’msorry,Idon’tknowyourfirstname,”thesenatorsaid.
“That’sintentional,ma’am.”IglancedattheframedmapofAfghanistanonthewall,thinkingaboutthesecuritybriefing,thethreatassessments,andthegirlswhoseonlycrimeswouldbetheirintelligenceandeducation.“Therearesixofthem?”
“Andtheirparents,”Izzysupplied.“Afewsiblingstoo.”
Inodded.“TheKandaharairportiscurrentlybeingheldbyAfghanspecialops.Ifwecangettheteamtotheairportandluckoutwithasecurelandingzone—understandingwe’dspendaslittletimeaspossibleontheground—itcanbedone.”I’dhateeveryminuteofit,butwecoulddoit.
“WithminimaldangertoMs.AstorandAmericanlives?”thesenatorasked.
“Respectfully,ma’am,there’snosuchthingasminimaldangerinthiscountryrightnow,butthosegirlswillbeinconsiderabledangeriftheystaywheretheyare.”
“Isa?I’dneverdemandyouriskyourlife.”
“Iknow.”Izzyswallowedandmovedtotuckherhairbehindherears,eventhoughthestrandswerealreadysecuredinabun.Shewasnervous.
“Todayistheonlyday,”Isaid.“Theratethiscountryisfalling,Kabulisgoingtofallwithinthenextmonth—ifnotfaster—andIhonestlydon’tknowhowmuchlongerKandaharhas.”
“Intelligencereportssaidwehadsixtotwelvemonths,”SenatorLaurensaidsoftly.
“Thingschange,ma’am.”
“We’llgotoday.”Izzystraightenedhershoulders.“I’llcallCoachNiaz.Ihavehernumber.”Afterexchangingafewmorepleasantriesandwellwishes,sheendedthecall.
“YouhaveanhourtosayyourgoodbyestoDickface,andthenweneedtoleave,”Isaid,walkingoutoftheofficeandleavingIzzybehind.
GuessweweregoingtoKandahar.
WelefteveryothermemberofIzzy’sdelegationandflewoutthreehourslaterwiththethreeoperatorsonmyteamandfourothers,sincenoneoftheothercongressionalaideswereleavingtheembassytoday.OurfleetoffourBlackhawkslaunched,andIstillwishedwehadmorefirepower.
Izzysatacrossfrommejustlikeeveryotherflight,lookingoutthewindow,andIhandedovermyearbudsandphone,butdidn’tputthemintoherearslikebefore.ItookoutmybookandblatantlylookedawaybeforeIzzycouldrejectmyoffer.
AfterseeingCovingtoninthehallwaylastnight,Iwasn’tsurehowI’dreactifIzzyonceagainremindedmethatwhateverIhadwasn’tgoodenough.
She’dbeenabletogetaholdofCoachNiaz,andthechessteamwascurrentlyenroutetotheairport.Theywerejustasskittishasthesenatorhadimplied,andIcouldn’tblamethem.Withanyluck,we’dbeonthegroundforlessthananhour,andoutagainbeforetheTalibanknewwewereevenaroundtomortar.
Thatdidn’tstopmypulsefromrisingthecloserwegottoKandahar.
Istowedmybookaswelandedandslungmyrucksackovermyshoulders,tuckingmyphoneandearbudsintooneofthepocketsofmyuniformwhenIzzyhandedthemback.Thedistancebetweenuswaspalpable,painful,andnecessary.Dickface’sarrivalhadbeenamuch-neededreminderthattheringonherfingermeantsomething.
Thehelicoptersrandownasweallfiledout.
Thiswasn’tthefirsttimeI’dbeentoKandahar’sairport,butitverywellmighthavebeenthelast.Thedestructionfromthereportedshellingwasobviousinthebrokendecorativearchesandpilesofrubblelinedagainstthebarbedwirefence.Therunwaywasdamagedtoo.
Thesunbeatintomybareforearmsaswemovedasateam,walkingquicklytowardtheterminal,whereourliaisonfromtheAfghanarmywouldmeetus.IkeptIzzyatmysideandmyeyesmoving,takingineverydetailofoursurroundings,andGrahamcoveringoursix.
AnAfghanofficerwaitedattheendofthewalkwayconnectingthetarmactotheterminal,escortedbysixofhisownsoldiers.Theylookedlikethey’dbeenthroughhellanddraggedbackagain.
“Twelveinches,”IsaidtoIzzyoncethenoiseoftherotorshadfadedenoughtohearmyself.
“Notquite,”sheshotbackquietly,clutchingthestrapofhermessengerbag
“Smart-ass,”Imuttered.“Twelveinchesisthemaximumdistanceyou’reallowedtobefrommewhilewe’rehere.”
“Youdon’ttrusttheAfghanforces?”sheaskedquietly.
“Someofthem,absolutely.”Ikeptmyhandsonmyrifle.“ButIdidn’tlivethislongbytrustinganyoneIdon’tpersonallyknow.”AndIwasn’ttrustinganyonewithher.
“Noted.”Sheglancedatmeoncewewerehalfwaydownthepath.“AndwhatifIhavetopee?Doesyourtwelve-inchesruleapplythen?”
“I’llbehappytohandyouthetoiletpaper.”
“Graphic.”Hernosecrinkled.
“You’retheonethatwentthere.We’llonlybehereforanhour,remember?Holdit.”
Wemadeittoourliaison,andIshooktheyoungcaptain’shandwhiletheotherskepttheirhandsontheirweapons.“Aretheevacueesready?”
“Theyarrivedaboutthirtyminutesago,”hesaid,leadingusintotheterminal.Twoofouroperatorshungbacktosecuretheentranceandrecon.“Wemightbelosingtheedgesofthecity,butwestillholdtheairportroad.”
“That’sgoodtohear.”Iftheylostthat,therewouldbenoevacuationrouteforanyoneinthecity.Wewereofficiallysurrounded.
Theair-conditioningwasstillworking,whichwasawelcomerelief.Thefloorandchairswerecoveredwithdust,andtwoofthewindowsinmylineofsighthadbeenboardedup.
Izzyliftedherhandtothestrapunderherchin.
“Leaveiton.”
“ItmightscarethegirlsifIwalkindressedlikewemightbebombedatanymoment,”shewhispered.
“Ihighlydoubtthey’dexpectanythingdifferent.”Wepassedbygatheredgroupsofbothmilitaryandcivilianswaitingforevacuation.“Youmightbeforgettingthatchildrenherearen’tstrangerstowarlikeAmericankids.Thehelmetstayson.”
“Areyougoingtobethispleasanttheentiretrip?”Shearchedabrowbutkeptupwithmestepforstep.
“Yes.”
“Thislooksgood,”Grahamsaid,motioningtoanareaontheright.
Ilookedathisrecommendation—rowsofchairsthatformedwhathadbeenanexclusive-lookingwaitingarea.Noboarded-upwindows.Glassthatcouldbeblastedopenifweneededout.Adirectlinetothetarmacandourbirds.Itwasexposedforaquickexit,butdefensible,andwecouldcontroltheenvironment.“Thiswilldo,”ItoldtheAfghanofficer.“Pleasebringtheevacueeshere.”
“Wehavethemwaiting—”
“Here,”Isaidinatonethatdidn’tleaveanyroomforargument.
Heglancedoutthewindow,towardourhelicopters,andnodded,then,inPashto,orderedtwoofhissoldierstoescortthechessteamtous.
Theotheroperatorsspreadoutforanefficientperimeter.
“They’llbeheremomentarily,”thecaptainsaidinEnglish.“Isthereanythingelsewecando?”
“No,thankyou,”Ireplied.“I’msureyouhavewaymoreimportantthingstobedoing.”
“Indeed,Ido.”Heshookmyhandagainandwalkedoff,leavingtwoofhissoldiersbehindwithus.
IzzyandIstoodinthemiddleofthewaitingarea.“Hesentthesoldierstogogetthem?You’resure?”
Inodded.“IspeakPashto.”
“Ofcourseyoudo.”Sheshookherhead.“Isthatanothernewdevelopment?”
“No.”Iscannedoursurroundings,notentirelyatease.Iknewweshouldbesafehere,butIzzywouldbeafantasticandexpensivetrophyforourenemies.
“Justsomethingelseyoudidn’ttellme.”Hertonewaslowbutcutting.
“ThenumberoflanguagesIspeakdidn’tseemlikeworthwhilespaceinaletter,andIneverwantedtowasteyourtime.Butapparentlyyou—”Ilockedmyjawtostillmywords.Thiswasn’tthetimeortheplacetogetintoitwithher.
Sheglancedupatme,hereyesnarrowing.“Justsayit.”
Ishookmyhead.
“Iknowyou’repissedaboutJeremy.Isawthedisappointmentinyoureyes.Iknowyouwellenoughtoreadyouremotions,SergeantGreen.AtleastIusedto.”Shecrossedherarmsoverherchestanddrummedherfingersonherarm.
“YouhavenoideawhatIthinkaboutDickface.”
“Likethenicknameisn’tadeadgiveaway.”Herfingersmovedfaster.
Angerwelledup,overrulingmycommonsense.“HefuckingleftyouatGeorgetown,”Isaidasquietlyaspossible.
“Hedid.”
“Heforcedyoutograduateearly,leaveyourfriends,andenrollataschoolthatwasn’tevenyourfirstchoice,andthenheleftyou.”IsparedaWTFlookinherdirection.
Torrescockedaneyebrowatmefromwherehestoodatthenearbywall,obviouslyabletohearus.
“Iremember.Iwasthere.”
“Yeah,well,Iwastoo.”Iglancedattherestofthesquad,whowerealldoingexactlywhattheyweresupposedtobe.Iwastheonlyoneengaginginhighschoolbehaviorandarguingwithawomanwhowasn’tevenmyex.
“Getoffyourhighhorse.Jeremy’snottheonlyonewhodisappearedonmeatonetime.”
Iignoredthedigbecauseitwastrue.Butshe’dobviouslyforgivenhim,andI’dgottentheoppositetreatment.“Whendidyoutwogetbacktogether?BeforeNewYork?”Itwouldhaveexplainedeverything.
“No!”shehissed.“NotuntilIwenttoDC.Myparentstookmeouttolunch,andhewastherewithhisfamily…”Shesighed.“Idon’toweyouanexplanation.”
“Youdon’t,”Iagreed.“Andnoexplanationhecouldgivewouldbesufficient.Youdeservesomuch…more.”
Herheadwhippedtowardmine,andthreethingshappenedatonce.
Ifinallyfiguredoutwhatwasbotheringmeaboutthewayshe’dbeenholdingherhandsallday.Itwasn’therhands.Itwaswhatwasn’tonherhand—herengagementring.
Thechessteamcamedownthecorridor,escortedbytheAfghansoldiers.
Andtherunwayexploded.CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
IZZY
Georgetown
December2016
Ifitwasninea.m.here,thenitwassixthirtyp.m.inAfghanistan,whichmeantmaybeIwasactuallyeatingatthesametimeNatewas.Ofcourse,he’dbehavingdinner,andIwasfiddlingaroundwithastackofpancakes,butstill,itwaskindoflikewewereeatingtogether.
“Whichiswhyshe’sspecializingincharitywork.Aren’tyou,Izzy?”Serena’stonedemandedmyattention.
Iblinked,lookingupfrommybreakfastplate,andfoundSerenaarchinganeyebrowatmefromacrossthedinertable.
“Right.Yes.Exactly,”Iagreed.Thiswassupposedtobeadoubledate,andIwasn’tholdingupmyendofthedeal.IglancedfromSerena’scurrentboyfriend,Ramon,tothefriendhe’dbroughtforme.
Shit.Whatwashisname?Sam?Sandy?Shane?SomethingwithanS.Itwasn’tthathewasn’tcute.Hehadnicebrowneyes,smoothbronzedskin,andahandsomesmile.Itwasjust.
Iwashopeless.
“Ilovethatyou’refocusedoncharity,”hesaid,offeringmeatoothysmile.
“Andyou?”See?Icouldkeeptheconversationgoing.
Hisdarkbrowsknit.“I’mintech,remember?”
Serenakickedmeunderthetable.
“Ofcourse!”Ishotmysisteraglare.“Ijustmeantwhereyousawyourselftakingyourcareerinthatparticularindustry.”
“Oh.”Hesmiledagain.“I’mreallyfocusingonthefinancialmarket,andhowtomakebankingmoreaccessibleinremotelocations…”
RemotelocationslikewhereNatewas.Mythoughtsdrownedouthismonologue.
God,whatwaswrongwithme?IthadbeenmonthssinceI’dbeenabletomaintainarelationship,andhereIwasagain,choosingthethoughtofNateoveranactualguy.MaybethatwaswhathadgonewrongwithNate’slastrelationshiptoo.He’dbeenseeingsomeoneforacoupleofmonthsthere,andforaminute,I’dwonderedifwe’dactuallytakethetripwe’dbookedtoFijiinJune.Andfine,I’dbeenjealoustoo.Superhealthy.
OurlettershadshiftedtoemailsintheeighteenmonthsithadbeensinceI’dseenhim,andeventhosehadbeenlessfrequentsincehe’ddeployedyetagain.I’dlosttrackofwhichnumberthiswas.
Myphonebuzzedonthetable,andSerenatiltedherheadatmeasIpickedituptocheckforatext.Nope,justanemail.IhadGoogleAlertssetuptosendonceaweek,anditwasjustthisweek’sarticles.
Butitwasn’t.Myheartstumbledatthesubjectline.
NathanielPhelan.
Istoppedbreathingandstabbedatthesmoothsurfaceofthephonelikeitwouldmaketheapplicationopenfaster.Hewasfine.Hehadtobefine.Himnotbeingfinewasn’tanoption.AndyetIcouldn’tbreathe.
AsIclickedthelink,adullroarfilledmyearsasanobituarysiteloaded.
No.
Myworldcouldn’texistwithouthiminitsomewhere.
Iblinkedasthearticleappeared.AliceMariePhelan.Iskimmedtheobituary,mystomachlurchingthree-quartersthrough.SurvivedbyherhusbandDavidandonlyson,Nathaniel.
Nate’smomdied.Accordingtotheobituary,herfuneral,agravesideservice,wasatfourp.m.today.
Hewasgoingtobedevastated.
“Ihavetogo.”Igrabbedatwentyoutofmypurseandthrewitonthetable,alreadyrunningforthedoorbeforeSerenacouldevencallmyname.
At3:44p.m.thatafternoon,IstumbledoutofthecarI’drentedatthesmallestairportI’deverseenandpoppedopentheumbrellaI’dbroughtwithme.I’donlyhadanhourtogetchangedintheonlyavailablehotelroomintown—whichhadalsobeenthemostexpensive—butatleastI’dhadablackdressinmyclosetreadytopackinmycarry-on.Gettingaflightout?Nowthathadbeen…tricky.ButI’dmadeit.
IwouldhavethoughtthatDecemberinIllinoismeantsnow,butfreezing-coldrainpeltedtheumbrellaasIroundedthefrontofthesedanandsteppedintothecemetery.MyheartpoundedasIheadedforthesmallcrowdgatherednearby,myheelsstickingintothebrowngrasswitheverystep.
Myphonebuzzedinmypocket,andIfumbledgettingitoutofmyjacket.Atextpreviewedonthescreen.
MOM:Serenasaidyouranoutofbreakfastthismorning?
Shechosenowtobeconcerned?
Ishookmyheadandshovedmyphonebackintomypocket.
Peoplemovedforward,andIfollowedtheseaofumbrellas,eventuallyreachingthebackrowofwhatlookedtobeasplitconfigurationofaboutthreedozenfoldingchairssetupattheedgeofthelastrowoftombstones.
Iglimpsedbrightlycoloredwreathsandanelevatedclosedcasketunderawidegreencanopyaheadofthechairsasthecrowdcontinuedtoshuffleitswaydowntheaisle,sometakingseatsoneithersideandsomecontinuingon,onlytoturnattheendandloopbackaround.
Theywerepayingtheirrespectstothefamily.
Mystomachchurnedwithnausea,andIstrangledtheumbrellahandleasIconsideredforthefirsttimethatImighthavemadeamistake.I’dbeensoconcernedwithtryingtogethereintimethatIhadn’tconsideredthatmaybeIshouldn’tbehere.
TherewaseverychanceNatewouldn’twantmehere,everychancethathealreadyhadsomeonehere.Itwasn’tlikehe’dcalledme.
OrmaybeNatehimselfwouldn’tbehere,andIwaswalkingintoacrowdofcompletestrangers.
Eitherway,Iwasn’tsureI’dbewelcome.
Maybejustpickingaseatwasmybestoption.
Mypocketbuzzedagain,andIyankedmyphonefree.Anothertextcameacrossthehomescreen.
MOM:ISABEAUASTOR,you’dbetteranswermeNOW.
MOM:Donotmakemesendpeopletolookforyou!
Itypedoutaquickresponse.
ISABEAU:MyfriendNate’smomdied.I’matthefuneral.TTYL.
Ishovedthephonebackintomypocketandhopedthatwouldbeenoughtokeepherfromfreakingout.
“Damnshame,”awomanbehindmesaid.“Alicereallywasanangel.”
“Thatcurvehasalwaysbeendangerous.CarltoldmethetiretracksshowedtheMarshallboywasonhersideoftheroad,”anotheradded,hervoiceloweringaswepassedthethirdrowofwater-coveredseats.“Hitherheadon.”
She’dbeenkilledinacaraccident.
“Lookatthosetwo,”thefirstwomansaidwithasigh.“Theycan’tevenstandnexttoeachotherupthere.”
Iglancedovermyshoulderasdiscreetlyaspossibleandsawawomanwithalonestreakofgrayinherauburnhairleaningtotherightandlookingpastme.
“YouandIbothknowthatboyhasn’tbeenhomesinceheleftforthearmy,”thefriendresponded.“Alwayswasawildone.”
“CanyoublamehimafterthewayDavid…”Shetrailedoff.“Well,noneofusreallydidanythingforhim,didwe?”
Ileanedtotheright,searchingpastthehalf-dozenpeopleaheadofme.
AndIsawhim.
Mychestthreatenedtocavein,butIforcedmyselftobreathe.Natestoodstoicallyattheedgeofthecanopyattheendoftheaisle,rainfallingceaselessly,soakingintohishairandblacktrenchcoat.Henoddedatsomethingthewomaninfrontofhimsaid,thenshookthenextman’shandasshemovedon,turningtothelefttodothesamewithsomeoneIcouldn’tsee.
Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffhisprofileasthelinemovedsteadilyonward.Heshowednoemotionashegreetedeachpersonwiththesameroboticmotions,hisheadforward,andthevacantexpressiononhisfacephysicallyhurtmyheart
TheoldermanaheadofmeturnedtoNate.“I’msorryforyourloss,son.Yourmotherwasagem.”
“Thankyou,”Nateanswered,shakingtheman’shand,buttherewasnointonationinhisvoice,nolife.
Themanturnedacrosstheaisle,andIsteppedforwardintotheplacehe’dvacated,tiltingmyumbrellabackwardasIlookeduptoNate.
“Isabeau?”Hisred-rimmedeyesflaredastheylockedwithmine.
“I’msosorryaboutyourmom,Nate.”Iliftedmyumbrellatocoverbothofus.
Hestaredatmeinsilenceforthespanofalengthyheartbeat,thenreachedformeandtuggedmeclose.Hisarmsbandedaroundmyback,andIfeltthestrainineverytenselineofhisbodyasmycheekrestedagainstthechilled,wetlapelofhiscoat.
“IcameassoonasIknew,”Iwhispered.
Hemusthavedippeddown,becauseIfelthischinbobagainstthetopofmyhead,infrontofwhereI’dpinnedmyfrenchtwistintoplace.“Thankyou.”
“I’llseeyouafter,”Ipromised.
“Stay.”Hisarmsloosened,andwhenImovedtostepback,hecaughtmyfreehandandpulledmetohisleftside,claspinghisfrozenfingerswithminebeforegreetingthenextmourner.
IheldtheumbrellaoverhimthebestIcould.Therewereonlyafewpeopleleft,butIofferedthemeachwhatIhopedwasanappropriatenodofthanksastheyofferedcondolencesforawomanI’dnevermet.
AwomanNatehadlovedwholeheartedly.
Thelastofthecrowdpassedthroughastheministertookhisplaceunderthecanopy,andIfacedamanIdidn’tneedtomeetinordertoknowhewasNate’sfather.
Natewasafewinchestaller,buttheyhadthesamenose,thesamefacialstructure,andeventhoughhiseyesweredarkerthanNate’s,theywereinfinitelycolderashisgazenarrowedonme.
“Ifwecouldallbeseated,”theministersaid.“We’llstartinjustafewminutes.”
Nateputhimselfbetweenhisfatherandme,thentooktheaisleseat,cringingwhenIsatonthemetalchairnexttohis.“I’msorry.Youhavetobefreezing.”
“Don’tworryaboutme.I’llbefine.”WatersoakedintomywoolcoatasIshuffledtheumbrella,tryingtokeephimcovered.Hereachedacrossmylapformyhand,andIgaveit,holdinghimtight.
“Theyonlyhadonecanopy,”hesaid,facingtheminister.“AndIthoughtsheshouldbetheonecovered.”
“Youdidgreat.”Irubbedmythumboverhisfrigidskin,wishingIhadanotherwaytowarmhim.
“Howdidyouknow?”Heglancedmyway
“IsetupaGoogleAlertforyourname,”Iadmitted.“ButIsetitforweekly.Ishouldhavesetittodaily,andthenIwouldhaveknownsooner.Iwouldhavebeenheresooner.”
“I’mjustgladyou’rehere.”Hesqueezedmyhand.“AndifI’dbeenabletothinkabout…anythingforthepastweek,Iprobablywouldhavecalledyou,butIdon’tthinkIrealizedhowmuchIwantedyouhereuntilIsawyou.”Hisgazeshiftedforwardtothecasket.“Shewasinacaraccidentanddiedinstantly.”Histhroatworkedasheswallowed.“Soit’sgoodthatshewasn’tinpain.”
“Itis,”Iagreed,unsureofwhattosay,orwhythechairsbesidemewereempty.“ButI’mstillsorryyoulosther.”
“Ican’ttalkabouther.Notupthere.Notanywhere.Ijustcan’t.”
“Sodon’t.”
Henodded,andtheservicebegan.
Itfeltshort,butIonlyhadmygrandparents’tocompareitto.Nate’sauntsspoke,andhisfatherrecitedaverse,butNateshookhisheadwhentheministerlookedhisway.Thewindpickedup,numbingmyfaceastheservicedrewtoitsconclusion.
IstoodwhenNatedid.
Movedwhenhedid.
Wentwhereverhedid.
ItwasjustusandthepeopleIassumedwereimmediatefamilybythetimethegroundscrewwasreadytolowerNate’smomintotheground.
Nate’sbodystiffenedashisfatherapproachedusnexttothecasket.
“We’regoingtohavetotalkaboutthefarm.”HisfatherplantedhisfeetinfrontofNateandleanedin.“Nomoreavoidingme,boy.”
HistonetoldmeeverythingIneededtoknowabouttheirrelationship.
“Isthereanythingyou’rescaredof?Therehastobesomething,right?”
“Sure.Becominganythinglikemyfather.”
Wasn’tthatwhatNatehadsaidthatdayonthebeach?
Nateletgoofmyhandandliftedhisarminfrontofme,gentlypushingmebackward.
“Nowisn’tthetime,David,”oneoftheauntssaid,theolderwomansnappingherumbrellaclosednowthattherainhadpassed.HerhairwasblacklikeNate’s,andthesetofhershoulderstoldmeshewasn’tafanofNate’sdad.
Iloweredmyumbrella,too,pressingthebuttontocloseitasthetensionthickened.
“Whenelsearewesupposedtotalkaboutit?”Nate’sdadsnapped.“Hehasn’tsaidasinglewordtomesincehegothome,andweallknowhe’sheadedbacktoAfghanistantomorrow.Arewegoingtotalkthen?”
Tomorrow?Myheartsank.
“It’snosecretthatsheleftthefarmtohim,”hisotherauntsaid,comingtostandnexttohersister.“We’veallseenthewill.”
“Itshouldbemine,”hisfatherargued,butNatedidn’tmoveamuscle.“Iwasherhusband.”Whenhecouldn’tprovokeareactionfromNate,heturnedtome.“Maybeyourprettylittlegirlfr—”
“Don’tfuckingtalktoher.”Natetookastepforward,simultaneouslyurgingmefartherback.
Ohshit.InallmyyearsofknowingNate,I’dneverseenhimangry.
“Hespeaks!”HisfatherthrewhishandsuplikehewasthankingGod.“Youreadytotalkaboutthefarmnow?It’sbeenmyhomefarlongerthanyours.”
“Ihavenothingelsetosaytoyou.”Natebackedup,hisarmstillextendedinfrontofme,keepingabarrierbetweenhisdadandme.
“Oryoucouldjustrunawaylikeyoualwaysdo!”
“David!”oneoftheauntschided.
“Juststopintothegoddamnlawyer’sofficeandsignthedeedovertome,”hisdadcommanded,hisvoiceicierthantheweather.“It’stheleastyoucandoafternotbotheringtocomehomeandvisitherforthelastfiveyears.”
Igasped.
“Izzy,I’mgoingtoneedyoutostepback,”Natewarned,inalow,lethaltoneI’dneverheardbefore.
“Nate?”Therehadtobeawaytopostponewhateverconfrontationwasloominguntiltheyburiedhismother,wasn’tthere?
“Please.”Hedidn’ttakehiseyesoffhisfather.
Ididasheasked,retreatingahandfulofstepsforthatveryreason.IfNatewouldn’tlookawayfromhisfather,itmeanthe’dbeengivengroundsnottointhepast.
“Sonicetoeveryonebutyourowndamnedfamily.”HisfatherglaredatNate.“Justsignthedeedandgobacktoyournewandbetterlife.Webothknowyoudon’twantit,andyousureashellcan’trunit.”
“You’reright.Idon’twantit.ButI’mnotsigningthefarmovertoyou,”Natereplied,hisarmslooseathissides.
“Soyou’rejustgoingtokickmeout?”
Nateshookhishead.“Notyet.”
“Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?”Colorflushedhisfather’scheeks
“Itmeansthatyoucanliveinitfornow.”Nateshrugged.
“Fornow?”Hisbrowfurrowed,andhishandscurledintofists.
Mypulsejumped.
“Formonths.Foryears.Whoknows.ButonedayI’llsellit.”Nate’svoicelowered,andeventhegroundskeepersstoppedwhattheyweredoingtowatch.“AndIwon’ttellyou,won’twarnyou.”Heshookhishead.“No,Iwantyouscared.Iwantyoutowakeupeverysingledayandwonder,worry,iftodayisthedaythatwhatyoudidtohercomesbacktohauntyou.Iwantyoujustasanxiousasshewaseverysinglenight,waitingtoseewhatkindofmoodyou’dbeinwhenyougothome,waitingtoseeifshe’dbeyourpunchingbagorifyou’dreachforme.”
Mystomachfelltotheground.Natehadboardedourflightwithasplitlipfouryearsago.Whathadhesaidaboutthewound?Aboutthesplitknuckles?
Itwon’texactlybethefirsttimesomeonehasswungforme,andatleastthistimeI’llbearmed.He’dbeentalkingabouthisfather.
“Andmybiggestregretisn’tthatIdidn’tcomehometovisit,”Natecontinued.“SheknewI’dsworntoneverbreathethesameairasyoueveragain.MybiggestregretisthatIcouldn’tgethertoleave,too,nomatterhowhardItried.”
“Youlittleshit.”Hisfatherlunged,andbeforeIcouldshout,Natecaughtthefistswinginginhisdirection.
“It’sgoingtotakealotmorethanthattohitmenow.”Nate’sknucklesturnedwhite,andhisfatheryelped,yankinghisfistoutofNate’sgrip.“I’mnotascrawnyteenageranymore.I’vespentyearsendingbulliesjustlikeyou.Youcan’tscaremeanymore.”
Hisfather’seyeswidenedashecradledhishand,backingawayfromNateslowly.“You’llregretthat.”Thefrostinhisvoicemademeshiver.
“Idoubtit.”
“Youwanttoswingonme,don’tyou,boy?”Acornerofhismouthtwisted.
“Yes.”Nate’sarmsfelltohissides.“ButI’mnotgoingto.That’sthedifferencebetweenyouandme.”
“Youkeeptellingyourselfthat.”Nate’sfatherspatontheground,thenturnedandstalkedaway,headingforablueF-150parkedalongthecurb.
Holyshit.ThiswashowNategrewup,andsomehowhe’dturnedoutlike…Nate.
Hepivotedslowlytofaceme,andforasecond,Ididn’trecognizehim.Thismanwasn’ttheNathanielIknew.Ihadnodoubtthatthemaninfrontofmehadbeentowar,thathe’dseenthings,donethings,I’dneverfullyunderstand.
Andyet,Iwasn’tscaredofhim.
“I’llwalkyoutoyourcar,”hesaid,leavingnoroomforargument.
Inodded,andhishandgentledashesetitonthesmallofmyback.WewalkedsilentlytothesedanI’drented,becauseforonce,Iwasatalossforwords.Therewasatensioninhim,arestlessnessIdidn’tknowwhattodowith.Iwasoutofmydepth.
Myphonebuzzedrhythmically,andIreachedforitoutofhabit,butmyfingerswerestiffwithcold,andIaccidentallyansweredandmanagedtohitthespeakerphoneinsteadofend.“Mom,I’llcallyou—”
“Tellmeyoudidnotleaveadatewithapromisingtechdevelopertochaseafterthatsoldier,Isa,orsohelpme—”
Istabbedatthescreen,takingthecalloffspeaker,andIliftedthephonetomyear.“Mom!Iwillcallyoulater.”Mycheeksheatedwithembarrassment.Nateheardthat.
“You’reshowingaseriouslackofjudgmentwithyourchoices.”
“They’remychoicestomake.I’llcallyouwhenI’mbackinDC.”IhittheendbuttonwithmoreaggressionthannecessaryandchancedalookupatNate.“I’msosorry.She’s…mymother.”
Hisjawflexed.“Nothingtobesorryfor.Shedidn’tsayanythingaboutmethatisn’ttrue.”
“Shedoesn’tevenknowyou,”IarguedaswereachedthecarandItradedmyphoneforthecarkeys.
“Whereareyoustaying?”heasked,thenscoffed.“Idon’tknowwhyIasked.There’sonlyonehotelintown.”
“I’minthepresidentialsuite,”Ianswered,openingthedoorIhadn’tbotheredtolock.“Itwasalltheyhadleft.”
Histanjawflexedashenodded.
God,myentirebody,ascoldandwaterloggedasitwas,hurtforhim.“Icanstay.”
Helookedbackatthegravesite.“No.I’mthankfulyou’rehere.Really,Iam.ButIjustwanttobealonewithherforalittlewhile.”Hismouthtwistedinagrimace.“IfIcangetmyauntstoleave.”
“Okay.”
“Ihatethatyousawthat.”Hewouldn’tlookatme.
“Ihatethatyouwentthroughit.”HiscoatwassoakedthroughasIreachedforhisforearm,desperatetotouchhim,tocomforthiminanywayIcould.“Tellmewhatyouneed,Nate.”
“IfIfigureitout,I’llletyouknow,Izzy.”Hewalkedaway,andIlethim.
Itiedthebeltonmyrobe,thenranmybrushthroughmywethairasIwalkedbackintothebedroomofmyhotelsuite,finallywarmenoughtofeelmytoes.
SerenahadalreadycalledtoapologizeforaccidentallytellingMomaboutmyhastyexitatbreakfast,butIwasn’tmadather.Mymother?Thatwasawholeotherstory.Itfeltlikeshe’dkickedNatewhenhewasalreadydown,thoughIknewshe’dbeenaimingforme.
TherewerenowordsforthewaymychestachedforeverythingNatehadbeenthroughtoday,andmyutter,completeuselessnesstosavehimfromanyofit.Notthelossofhismother.Notthecrueltyofhisfather.
Isatontheedgeofthebedandcheckedmyphone,hopingforatextoramissedcall,somesignthathewasn’tgoingtospendtonightalone,whenhisemotionshadobviouslybeenflayedopenandleftbleeding.Asighrippedthroughmylipsattheblankscreen,andIswallowedtheknotinmythroatthatinstantlyformedattheideaofhimspendingthenightwithanotherwoman.
Getoveryourself.Hewasn’tmine.Notlikethat.AndIcouldhardlybegrudgehimanymeasureofcomforthecouldfind.Iputmybrushonthenightstand,nexttomyADHDmedication,thenpickedupwhatwasleftofmyroomservicetrayfromthepolishedexpanseofthediningtable.I’ddevouredthecheeseburgerthesecondmymedsworeoffabouttwohoursago.Openingoutinjustthethigh-highrobe,butthedingoftheelevatordownthehallcaughtmyattention.
Natesteppedoutoftheelevatorintothehallway,shovinghishandsthroughhiswethair,stilldressedinhissuitfromthefuneral.
Oureyesmetandheldashecamemyway,hisstrideseatingupthedistancebetweenuswithsingle-mindedfocus.Mypulsejumpedintoathunderingbeat.Thehourswe’dbeenaparthadn’tdoneanythingtoquelltherestlessnessinhim.Hestillwalkedthatdangerousedgebetweenwhoeverhe’dbeenwhenhelivedhere,andwhoeverhewasnow…whoevertheconstantdeploymentswereturninghiminto.
Andinthesecondsittookforhimtoreachme,Irealizeditdidn’tmatterwhichversionofhimIwasgetting.Iwasinextricablylinkedtoeverysingleoneofthem.Theguyhe’dbeenwhenhelivedherehadbeentheonewho’dpulledmefromtheplanecrash.Theonehe’dgrownintohadknockedmeoffmyfeetinGeorgia.Andthemanhewasnow.
Oh,God
Thatfeelinginmychest…
Iwasinlovewithhim.
AndhewasgoingbacktoAfghanistantomorrow.
Myfeetshuffledbackwardintomyroom,butIheldthedooropenforhim,andhefollowedmein,smellinglikerainandthefaintremainsofhiscologne.
“Ineed…”HeturnedtowardmeasIclosedthedoor,andtheturmoilinhiscrystal-blueeyesnearlybroughtmetomyknees.“Ijustneedyou.”
“Okay.”Inodded.
“Izzy.”Itwasbothapleaandawarningashescannedthelengthofmybodyandshiftedhisweight.Theheatinhiseyeswasunmistakable;itwasthesamewayhe’dlookedatmeonmybirthdaylastyear.“Idon’tthinkyouunderstand—”
“Iknowwhatyou’resaying,”Iwhispered.
Oureyeslocked,andasecondlater,mybackwasagainstthedoor,andNate’smouthfusedwithmine.
Hetastedthesame,butthekisswasnothingliketheoneswe’dsharedbefore.Itwasaclashoftonguesandteeth,likeeveryproblemhefacedcouldbeforgottenifhesimplylosthimselfwithinme.Ikissedhimbackjustashard,showinghimIcouldtakewhateverhewanted—needed—togive.
He’dneverhurtme,norwouldheeverpushmeanyfurtherthanIalreadywantedtogo.
AndIwantedhim.
Hislipswerechilledbuthistonguewarmasittwinedwithmine.Allofhimwascoldandwet,hisclothesnodoubtsoakedallthewaythroughtohisskin.Hishandsskimmedtheoutsideofmyrobe,andthenhegrippedthebacksofmythighs,liftingmeagainstthedoorsoourmouthswerelevel.
Iwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaistandheldon,windingmyarmsaroundhisneckashekissedmeharder,deeper.Rainwaterdrippedfromhishairanddownhischeeks,butthatdidn’tstopus.Myteethscrapedhislowerlip,andwhenhemovedtodrawback,Isuckedhistonguebackintomymouthandrelishedinthegroanthatrumbledthroughhischest.
Needracedthroughmyveinslikelava,flushingandheatingmyskin—evenmythighs,whichtookthebruntofthecoldfromhissoddensuit.
Heshifted,carryingmewithoutbreakingthekissashecrossedthesuite.Buthedidn’ttakemetothebedroom.MyasshitthediningroomtableasIfoughtwiththewetfabricofhistie,finallylooseningtheknotenoughtogetitoverhishead.Ishovedthewetjacketfromhisshouldersnext,andithitthefloorwithathwack.
“Dropyourlegs,”heorderedbetweendeep,druggingkisses.
Iunhookedmyanklesandletmylegsdangleovertheedgeofthetable.
“Perfect.”Hishandsstrokedupmythighs,undertheclothofmyrobe,andmystomachfluttered.Iknewexactlywhathecoulddowiththosehands,thoseverytalentedfingers,andIwasmorethanready.
ButthetouchIsosorelywanteddidn’tcome.
Iunbuttonedhisshirtwithfumblingfingers,tooeagertokeepmymouthonhistobotherlookingatwhatIwasdoing.Afterfinallyundoingthelastone,Ituggedtheshirtfreefromhispantsandsomehowmanagedtounfastenthebuttonsathiswristswhilehishandskneadedmythighs.Hekissedmymouth,mycheeks,myneck,whileItuggedthereluctant,clingingfabricofhisshirtfromhisbody.
ThenIpulledbackandlookedathim.
“Nate,”Iwhispered,awestruckbythebodyhe’dhonedtoutterperfection.He’dputonmuscleoverthelasteighteenmonths,historsostillcarved,hisabsstillridgedtomouthwateringmagnificence,butnowtherewassimplymoreofhim.Thedeepfuck-melinesthatrandowntheedgesofhisstomachbeggedtobetracedbymytongue.Ijerkedmygazeuptohis.“You’reincredible.”
“You’reallIwant.”Hecuppedthebackofmyneck.“Itdoesn’tmatterhowfarIgoorhowlongI’maway.Idreamaboutyou.EvenwhenIknowyou’rewithsomeoneelse—”
“I’mnot,”Iassuredhim,shakingmyhead.
“OrwhenI’mwithsomeoneelse—”hecontinued,andmyheartstuttered.
“Areyou?”Ileanedaway,bracingmypalmsagainstthetableasIwaitedformyhearttobeatregularlyagain.Hewasn’tmine.Iwasn’this.Thatwastheagreementwe’dmade.
Andyethewasalwaysmine.
Iwasalwayshis.
“No.Notinoversixmonths.”Helookedatme,andforaheartbeat,Icursedthisbondbetweenus,theirrationaljealousythathadgrippedmystomachwhenI’dreadthatparticularletteraboutthewomanhe’dbeenseeing.“Buteventhen,asmuchasitmakesmeanassholetoadmitit,youwereallIwanted,Izzy.”
“Iknow.”Inodded.“It’sthesameforme.”
Hecrushedmymouthtohis,thekisssofterthanbefore,butjustasdeep,justaspowerful.Itrobbedmeofmybreath,mythoughts,andanyinhibitionsthatmighthavelingered.
Thenheleanedoverme,loweringmeuntilmybackrestedonthetable.
“Iwanttoseeyou,”hesaidbeforekissingmeagain.
Myhandsfoundthebeltofmyrobe,andItugged,lettingitfallopen,justlikethefirsttimehe’dputhishandsonme.
Heliftedhishead,andhisgazeroamedmynakedbody,lingeringonthepartshe’dneverseenbefore.“Holyshitareyoujust…perfect.”
“Yousaidthatlasttime.”Igrinnedandtriednottofidgetundertheheatofhisgaze.
“Nothing’schanged.”Hiseyesmetmine,andtheneedIsawtheremadememelt,relaxingcompletelyonthetable.“I’mgoingtokissyou,IsabeauAstor.”
Ismiledevenwider.“You’vesaidthatbeforetoo.”
“Yeah.Iknow.”Heflashedasmile,andhisdimpleappearedforasecondbeforehegraspedmyshins,thenbentmykneesasheputmyfeetontheedgeofthetableandspreadmythighswideenoughforhisshouldersto—
OhGod.
Isuckedinabreathashesethismouthonme,skimminghistongueovermyentranceanduptomyclit.ItfeltsodamnedgoodthatallIcoulddowascryout,myhandsgraspingathisheadtopullhimcloser.
“Youtastelikeheaven,”hesaid,andIliftedmyheadlongenoughtolockeyeswithhimasheloweredhismouthagain,sendingaboltofpurepleasurespiralingthroughme.
HewasthehottestmanI’deverseen,andhewasminetotouchtonight.
Myheadfellbackassensationruledmybody.Everylickofhistonguemademybackarch.Everytimehesuckedmyclitbetweenhislips,Itrembled.Whenhisfingersslidinsideme,firstone,thentwo,Icouldn’thelpbutrockbackagainsthim,seekingmore,demandingitwithmymoans.
HepinnedmyhipstothetablewithhisforearmsoIcouldonlytakewhathewantedtogive,andthenhedrovemetowardmadness.HeteasedwhenIwantedhimtotake.HeflickedwhenIwantedhimtolinger.Hetookmetotheedgeoforgasm,whenIcouldalmosttastehowsweetthatreleasewouldbe,onlytolessenthepressurebeforeItumbledover.
“Nate!”Ituggedonhisheadasthedelicioustorturebeganagain.
“Whatdoyouneed,Izzy?”heasked,blowingsoftlyagainstmyheatedskin.
Igasped,mybackbowing.“Ineedyou!”Ineverywaypossible.ItwastheclosestIcouldcometolettinghimknowhowIfelt.
“Likeyou’llscreamifyoucan’thaveme?”Heflickedhistongueovermyclit.
“Yes!”
“Likeyou’lldieifyouhavetotakeonemorebreathwithoutmeinsideyou?”Helookedupatme,hiseyesholdingmeasawillingprisoner.
“Yes.”Itwasawhisper.
Henodded.“Good.Becausethat’sexactlyhowIneedyou.”Heloweredhisheadbetweenmythighs,andtheworldaroundusdisappeared.Therewasonlyhismouth,histongue,hisfingers,buildingmypleasurewithexpertcare,coilingthatexquisitepressureinmystomachuntilmyentirebodywenttaut.
ThenIsnapped,releaserushingthroughmewithsomuchpowerthatIscreamed.Itcouldhavebeenwords.Maybehisname.Maybejustacry.Noiseswereadullroararoundmeaswaveafterwavearchedmyback,andbeforeIrealizedwhatwashappening,thatpressurecoiledagainasheworkedmerighttothebrinkofasecond.
“You!”Idemanded,mynailsrakingthroughhishair.“Iwantyou,Nate.”
Hedraggedmybodytotheveryedgeofthetable.Ivaguelyheardthesoundofabuckle,theripoffoil,andthenthethickheadofhimwasrightthereatmyentrance.
Hishandbracedhisweightbesidemyhead,andheroseoverme,hisbeautifulfacehoveringjustabovemine.“Tellmethisiswhatyoureallywant.”
“IalreadysaidIdo.”Icradledhischeeks,memorizedeverythingaboutthewayhelookedrightnow.Hisblueeyeswerecrystalclear,hispupilsnearblown,hischeeksflushwithcolor.Andhewasright…IwoulddieifIhadtotakeanotherbreathwithoutfeelinghiminsideme.
“Sayitagain.”Hisjawflexed,andhishandgrippedmyhip.
“Iwantyou,Nathaniel,”Iwhispered,leaninguptokisshim.“Sotakeme.”
HeheldmygazeasiftherewasanychanceI’dchangemymind,andthenhepushedin,andin,andin,consumingeveryinchofmybody,andthendemandingmore,untiltherewasnome.Nohim.Onlyus.
Hestretchedmetomylimit,andwebothmoaned.
Hedidn’taskifIwasokay.Hedidn’tneedto,notwhenIrockedmyhipsagainsthisandkissedhim.Iwasmorethanokay.Iwasfuckingfabulous.
Hishipswithdrewuntilhewasalmostentirelyoutofme,andthenhedrovebackin,andIcriedout,myarmswrappingaroundhimashestartedabrutal,perfectrhythmofslow,hardthrusts.
“We.Should.Move.To.The.Bed.”Hiswordswerepunctuatedwitheachswingofhiships.
“Bedlater.Hardernow.”ItwasallIcouldsay.He’drobbedmeofalltheotherwordsthatweren’thisname.
“Wecandothisagain,right?”heaskedagainstmymouth.“Notjustonthetable.”
“Asmanytimesasyoucantake.”Howhecouldstringtogetheracoherentthoughtwasbeyondme.Ilockedmyanklesaroundthesmallofhisbackandrockedup,meetingeverythrust.
“Challengeaccepted.”Hegrinned,andhisdimpleappeared.
MyheartjoltedwithhowmuchIlovedthisman.
Hekissedmedeep,histonguerubbingagainstminewiththesamerhythmashisbodytookmine,drivingmetowardanotherrelease.Westrainedandgasped.Wecametogetheragain,andagain,andagain,andsomehoweachtimeheslidhomewasbetterthanthelast,untilmybodyteeteredontheedgeofanabyss,strungsotightthatmybreathcameinlittlekeeningpantsagainsthislips.
“Fuck,youfeelsodamnedgood,”hesaid,hisbreathingjustasraggedasmine.“I’mnevergoingtogetenoughofyou.Thewayyousqueezeme.Thewayyourskinfeelsagainstmine.Thewayyoureyesdarken.Yes,just.Like.That.”
HereachedbetweenourbodiesandgavemeexactlywhatIneeded,sendingmehurtlingintooblivionwiththenextthrust.
Icameapart,unraveled,andwasremadeallwithinthesamebreath,withhisnameonmylipsandhisbackbeneathmyfingers.Thehighwasincomprehensible,unfathomable,indescribable,andallIcoulddowasridethewavesashishipsswungwildly,chasinghisownreleaseasIfoundmine.
Heshudderedabovemeandcamewithashoutofhisown,catchinghisweightbeforeheevenhadthechancetocrushmeonceitwasover.
Westaredateachother,neitherofusabletocatchourbreaths.Bothwatchingtheotherasthoughtheyheldthekeytotheveryuniverse.Slowly,Ifellbackintomybodyandletmyanklesfallfromhisback.
“AsmanytimesasIcantake,”hesaid,hismouthcurvingintothemostbeautifulsmileI’deverseen.“That’swhatyousaid,right?”
Inodded.
“Allwehaveistonight.”Hisbrowfurrowed,andIknewwhathewassaying.
Thisdidn’tchangethings.Ourtimingstillwasn’tright.Hewasgoingbacktohisunittomorrow,andIwasflyingbacktoDC.
“Thenwe’dbettermakeitcount.”Istrokedmyfingersoverhischeek.
Wedid.
ButIstillcriedwhenIboardedmyflightthenextday.CHAPTERNINETEEN
IZZY
Kandahar,Afghanistan
August2021
OnesecondIwasfightingwithNate,andthenext,hetookmetotheground,coveringmewithhisbodyasglassshattered.Myheartbeatintomythroat,andmyentirebodylocked.
Thesoundofanotherblastmingledwiththescreamsofthegirlsandtheirparents.
“Rockets!”oneoftheoperatorsbehindusshouted,butIcouldn’tseewhichone.
“Fuck,”Nateswore.Thenhisarmssweptaroundme,andIwasagainsthischestashestoodandmovedwithwhatfeltlikeinhumanspeed,quicklycarryingmebehindanearbywall.Oncemyfeetwereontheground,wecrouchedandhetuckedmeunderhisarm.Thenhemotionedtothechessteam,sayingsomethingtotheminalanguageIdidn’tspeak.
Theyallscurriedtowardusasanotherblastsounded,andaflurryofAfghansoldiersranby.Threemoreexplosionssoundedinquicksuccession.
Feartastedlikemetalinmymouth.IwouldneverforgivemyselfifIgotthesegirlskilled—ifbycominghere,IcostNatehislife.
“Iknow.You’resittingducksoutthere,”Natesaid,andInotedthebuttoninhishand.Hewasusinghisradio.“Go.Bringthegunshipsbackwithyou.”
Thenextexplosionmadethewallshudder,andNateheldmetighter.
“Wecan’tdoanything,”heexplained,eventhoughIdidn’task.“Therocketsareprobablybeingfiredfrommilesaway.Allwecandoiswait.”
Inodded,tryingtoforceareassuringsmileforthegirlclosesttome—Kaameh.IrecognizedherfromthehoursI’dspentontheirpaperwork.Hermothershelteredherthebestshecould.
Theotherswerecoveredbytheirparentsand,inonecase,anAfghansoldier.
Thesoundofrotorsgrewdimmeranddimmerthroughtheshatteredwindow.Thehelicopterswereleaving.
Ijoltedwhenanotherroundofexplosionssounded,andNatedidn’tevenflinchashesurveyedeverythingaroundus.He’dalwaysbeenvigilantwheneverwe’dbeentogetherinthepast,alwayslooking,alwayswatchingeveryoneelse,andnowIunderstoodwhy.ThosereactionsIworriedaboutforallthoseyearsweretheonesthatkepthimaliveoverhere.
Aminutepassed,andthenanother,withoutanythingblowingup.
“Ithinkit’sover,”SergeantGraysaidfromtheothersideofthewaitingarea,hisbackpressedtotheoppositewall.
“Agreed,”anothercalledout.
“Helosaregone.Nothingleftforthemtocareabout,”someoneelseadded.
Nate’shandcradledmycheekashetippedmychinup.“Areyouhurt?”
Ishookmyhead,unabletomakemytonguework.
Hepulledbackandlookedmeoverforhimselfastheotheroperatorsmovedin,checkingonthechessteamandtheirparents.“You’reallright.”
Istartednoddingandcouldn’tstop.
“It’sokay,Izzy.”Hetuggedmeagainsthim.“It’sjustshockandadrenaline.Itwillpass.Justtakedeepbreaths.”
Iforcedairthroughmylungsonebreathatatimeuntilmygallopingheartslowedtoacanter,thenatrot,andfinallyasteadywalk.
“Thereyougo,”hesaidsoftly,gentlyrubbinghishandupanddownmyback.“Gray,getmeasituationreport.”
Graytookoff.
“Ifyoucouldhaveanysuperpowerintheworld,whatwoulditbe?”heasked.
Iblinked.
“Comeon,Iz.Playalong.”
“RunningreallyfastsoI’dneverhavetoflyagain,”Imanagedtogetout.Shiftingmyhead,IlookedupatNate.Otherthantheworryinhisgazeashemetmine,heseemedcompletelyunfazed.“IalwaysthoughtI’dbecalmandcollectedifanythinglikethathappened,”Iwhispered.“Ifroze.”
“YoutellingmethatIsabeauAstormightactuallybehuman?She’snotperfect?”Heflashedagrin,andthatdimpleappeared,renderingmespeechlessagain.
“YouknoweveryflawIhave.”
“Includingyourhorrendoustasteinmen,”heteased.
Iscoffed.
“Theresheis.”Heranhisthumbovermycheekandstood,helpingmetomyfeet.Hetookstockofeveryonearoundusdoingthesame.“Hatetobreakittoyou,butit’sabouttobealongnight.”
“Becausethehelicoptersaregone.”Inodded.“We’restranded.”
“Strandedandsurrounded,”hesaid.“Butdon’tworry,ourridewillcomebackarmedtotheteeth.Untilthen,we’llmakesurewe’resafehere.”Acornerofhismouthlifted.“Andinthemeantime,thetwelve-inchrulestillapplies.”
Irolledmyeyesandpulledmyselftogether,andallplayfulnessleftNateaswewenttogreetthepeoplewe’dbeenworkingformonthstogetout.
Laterthatnight,wesataroundonehalfoftheVIPloungewe’dtakenoveronthesecondfloortogivetheoperatorsahighervantagepoint.Theyalltookshifts,somepatrolling,somesitting,otherssleeping.
EveryoneexceptNate,who’dstucktomyside,onlybreakingthetwelve-inchrulewhenItoldhimhewouldnot,infact,behandingmethetoiletpaper.Atleasthe’dletmetakeoffthehelmetoncethey’dmadesuretheairportgroundswereclear.Theactualfightingwasmilesaway.
Darknesssettledaroundtheairport,andthelightsintheloungeweredimasmostofthesquadfinallysettledintoeat.Turnedoutthattheytraveledwiththeirownfood,whichthey’dsplitwiththefamilieswhowerenowmostlyasleepacoupleofrowsover,stretchedoutonthechairsliketheywerejustonanextendedlayover.
“That’snotwhathappened,”SergeantRosesaid,pointinghisfingeratGrayastheotherslaughed.
Nateshookhishead,butasmilecurvedhismouthashisfriendstoldstories.Atleast,Iassumedtheywerehisfriends.Icouldtellhewasclosetoacoupleofthem,thoughtheydidn’thavenamesontheiruniforms.SeeingNatesmile,evenbriefly,wasintoxicating.Ifoundmyselfwatchinghimtoseeifhe’ddoitagain.
“What?”heasked,catchingmestaring
“Justthinkingthatit’sbeenawhilesinceI’veseenyoureallysmile.Gofigurewe’reinanairport.”
“Fuckingairports.”Hisdimpleappearedagain.“Youshouldeat,”hesaid,handingmeanopened,heatedpacketofsomething.“It’sspaghetti,andtrustme,it’sthebestoftheoptions.”Heglancedathiswatch.“I’mguessingyourmedsarewearingoff,soyou’llberavenousanyminute.”
MylipspartedasItookthepacket.“Yourememberthat.”
Henodded.
“Okay,sinceit’sjustus,”Graysaid,leaningbackinhischairacrossfromus.Theradiounitwasnexttohim,whichIguessmadehimthecommsguy.“TellusaboutSergeantGreenhere,wouldyou?”
Everyotheroperator,eventheguysittingatthewindow,turnedtolookatme
“No.”NateshookhisheadasItookmyfirstbite.
Itwasn’tgourmet,butitwouldstopmystomachfromgrowling.
“Comeon,”Graygroaned.“It’smorethanobvioussheknowsyou.”Hegrinnedatmeandliftedhiseyebrows.“Youdo,don’tyou?Ibetyouknowtonsofstorieshewon’ttellus.”
IfoldedmylegsundermesoIsatcrisscrossinthewideseatandglancedNate’sway.
“Justbecauseyouguysareabunchofnarcissistswhotalkaboutyourselvesallthetime.”HeglaredatGray.
“Asopposedtoyou,whosaysabsolutelynothing,”Blackcountered.AtleastIthoughttheblondguywasBlack.PrettysuretheguywiththedarkbeardinthecornerwasLilacorsomethingridiculous.
“Youhavetogiveussomething.”Grayleanedforward,puttinghishandstogether.“Please.We’llnevergetthisopportunityagain.”
ItookanotherbiteandlookedatNate.
Welockedeyesforasecond,andherolledhiseyes.“Fine.Just…”Hesighed.“I’mtrustingyou.”
Inodded,understandingwhathewassaying.Ifhedidn’tsharethepersonaldetailsofhislife,therewasareasonforit.He’dbarelysharedthedetailswithme.“Whatdoyouguyswanttoknow?”
Graywhoopedandsatonthefloorlikeitwasstorytime.“Howlonghaveyouknownourboyhere?”
“Almosttenyears.”Innocuousenough.
“Didhehatchfromanegg?Arriveinaspaceship?”Lilacasked.“GrowuplikeGeorgeoftheJungle?”
“No.”Ilaughed.“Hegrewuponafarm.”Thefarm.IglancedatNate,wonderingifhisfatherstilllivedthere,orifhe’dsolditlikehe’dthreatened.
Welockedeyes,andhisexpressionsoftened.
“Afarm?”Gray’seyeswidened.“Really?”heaskedNate.
“Really.”Natenodded,lookingawaywithaslightsmile.
Itookanotherbite.
“Whatelsedoyouhave,Ms.Astor?”Blackasked,rubbinghishandstogether
“Helikescookiesandcreamicecream.”Igrinned.
“Traitor,”Nateaccused,hiseyeslightingup.
Forasecond,IforgotwewereinAfghanistan.No,wewereonastreetonTybeeIsland,laughingandflirtingbehindice-creamcones.Icouldalmosttastethebutterpecan.Itwasalifetimeago,andyesterday,allinthesamebreath.
That’swhatNatewastome.Asfarawayasalifetimeandascloseasyesterday,asnearastwelveinches.
“Thisissogood.”Grayglancedbetweenthetwoofus.“Hasheeverbeenmarried?”
Inearlychokedonmyspaghettibutforceditdownmythroat.HadNatefoundsomeoneandmarriedherinthealmostthreeyearsithadbeensinceNewYork?Ifhehad,surelytheseguyswouldhaveknown,sincetheywereapartofhispresent.Whydidthethoughtcutlikeadamnknife?I’dwornJeremy’sringuntillastnight.Iwashardlyinapositiontojudge.
Butapparently,IwasintheperfectpositiontobejealousashellofawomanI’dnevermetandwouldneverknow.She’dhavehisheart,hislaughter,hissmile,hisarmsaroundheratnight,hisbody,hiskids…
AndIhatedher.
“Soisthatano?”Grayasked.
Buthe’dneverchangedhisnextofkinform.
“Onlyonce,”Ianswered,ignoringthewayNategapedatme.
“Really?”Lilac’seyebrowsrose.
“Really.”Igrinned.“Atleastthat’swhathetoldthenursessohewouldn’tgetkickedoutofthewaitingroomwhenIwasinsurgery.”
Natesnorted.“Neverlivingthatonedown.”
Graylaughed.“Thisisamazing.Okay,what’swiththetaped-uptaghecarriesaround?”
Mybrowpuckered,andIlookedtoNate.
Hewentrigid.
“Ihonestlydon’tknow,”Ianswered,doingmybesttocoverwhateverreactionhewashavingtothequestion.“ButIcantellyouIknowwhyhecarriesthisscar.”HishandwaswarmasIpickeditup,turningittowardGraysohecouldseethescaracrossthebackofit.
“Tellmeitwassomethingundeniablystupid,”Brownpled.“Youhavetogiveussomething.”
Igrinned.“CoralinFiji.Mynecklacefelloff,andheswamdowntogetit,cuttinghishandup.”MytouchlingeredbeforeIlethishandgo,andoureyesmet.
“Musthavebeensomenecklace,”Graysaid.“Coralcutslikeaknife.”
“Itwas,”IsaidwithoutlookingawayfromNate,rememberingthewayhe’dmadelovetomewhenwe’dgottenbackfromsnorkelingthatafternoon.Mybodyheatedatthememory,andgiventhewayhiseyesdarkened,Iwonderedifhewasrelivingthosehourstoo.“It’sstilloneofmyfavoritepiecesofjewelry,consideringyougaveittometwice,firstonmybirthdayandthenafteryoufoundit.”
“Italwayslookedgoodonyou,”hesaidsoftly.“Tookmehourstopickouttherightone.”
TheblockoficeI’dkeptaroundmyheartwhenitcametoNatedidn’tjustthaw;itmelted.Whateverhadboundustogetherinthefirstplacewasstillthere,astangibleasever.We’dburiedit,ignoredit,burnedittotheground,butnevermanagedtoseverit.Atleastnotonmyend.
Itwouldalwaysbethere.
Theradiomadeanoise,andGray’sattentionshiftedasheliftedthehandset,answeringwhatappearedtobeacall.
“Doyouhaveanyembarrassingstoriesforus?Anythingwecanuseagainsthim?”Roseasked.AtleastIthoughtitwasRose.Lilacwasarealpossibility.
Nateliftedasinglebrow.
Ishookmyhead.“No.”RippingmygazefromNate’s,ImanagedasmileatRose.“Sorrytodisappoint.”
“Green,”Graysaid,liftingthehandset.
Natestoodandcrossedtheaisle,breakingthetwelve-inchrule.
“Ishescaredofanything?”Grayasked,slidingintoNate’sseat.“Spiders?Bats?Cucumbers?”
IlaughedatthecucumberquestionandshookmyheadasNatepickedupthereceiver.IknewexactlywhatNatewasafraidof,butthatwasn’tmysecrettoshare.AndfromwhatI’dseen,hewasn’tanywhereclosetobecominghisfather.
“ThisisNavarre,”hesaidsoquietlythatIbarelyhearditabovetheridiculoussuggestionsbeingtossedmyway.Cats.Hugs.Snakes.Hewasn’tafraidofanyofthem,soIdidn’trespond.
“Navarre?”Iwhispered,watchingNate’sshouldersstraightenashenoddedatwhateverwasbeingsaid,buthisreplywaslostinthehumofvoicesaroundme.
“Hiscallsign,”Grayansweredquietly.“Thecolorthingissoyoudon’tknowwhoweare.Ourcallsignsaresoweknowwho’sactuallyontheotherendofthecall.”
Navarre.Gravityshiftedbeneathmyfeet.
Isabeau’slover,cursedtoonlyseeheratdawnanddusk.Doomedtoloveherbutnevertouchher.Neverholdher.Nevermakeareallifetogether.
“Youokay?”Grayasked.
Inodded.
GuessNatehadn’tmanagedtosevertheconnectionbetweenuseither.CHAPTERTWENTY
NATHANIEL
Tacoma,Washington
June2017
“Iknowyou’renottryingtotalkmeoutofgoingthreehoursbeforemyflight,”IgrumbledfromthepassengerseatofTorres’struckaswespedtowardtheairport.
Spedbecausehe’dtalkedmeintoonelastworkoutbeforeleaving.
“Ofcoursenot.”HeshotmealookbeforepassinganSUVandcuttingacrossthreelanesoftraffic.“Isawhowmuchyoupaidforthosetickets.”Hisdarkbrowsfurrowed.
“Goaheadandsaythebut,becauseIknowoneiscoming.”Myweightshiftedashetooktheoff-ramp.IwasstartingtowishI’ddrivenmyselfandjustpaidtoparkmytruckattheairport.
“Doyouevenrealizehowluckywearetobothhavepassedselection?”Hehitthebrakeshardatthestoplight.
ThefactthatIpassedpsychwasamiracle,butI’dgottenprettygoodatgivingtheanswerstheywantedtohear.
“Ido.”We’dspentnineweeksinNorthCarolinaprovingourselvesforSpecialForcesAssessmentandSelection,andbothTorresandIhadmadeit,alongwithRowellandanotherguyfromourunit,Pierson,whichmadesensesincethefourofushadspentthelasteighteenmonthstrainingbothonandoffdeployment.
Ithadbeenhell,butithadbeenworthit.
Piersonwasthrilledtomakeit,butIknewthiswasjustasteppingstoneforTorresandRowell…andforme.Thatlong-agothoughtI’dhadontheplanewithIzzy,thatitwouldbecooltomakeSpecialForces,wasnowaveryreal,veryactualizeddream.IwasdamngoodatwhatIdid,andIhadtoadmit:Iwantedtobethebest.
“Andyou’rejustgoingtojetofftoFiji,knowingthatwe’llonlyhaveacoupleweekstogetreadytoPCStoBragg.”Thelightchanged,andheturnedtowardtheairport.
“I’vebeentalkingaboutthistripwithIzzyforyears,”Isaid,recognizinghowdefensivethatsounded.“Andit’snotlikeavacationisgoingtogetextended.I’llbebackintimetoleaveforBragg.”Ihadn’tseenhersinceMom’sfuneralsixmonthsago,andthetermswe’dleftonhadn’texactlybeenclear.We’dspentthatnighttogether,nevertalkingaboutMom,orourlackofafuture,oranythingthatmatteredoutsidethatroom.I’dleftherasleepandsated,thesheetstangledinherlong,beautifullegs,choosingtolethersleepinsteadofwakingherforwhatwasboundtobeanawkwardgoodbye.
Thatnightlivedinmydreams.
Hermothersnappingthatshewaschasingafterasoldier…thatlivedinmynightmares.KnowingIzzywasoutofmyleagueandhearingitdirectlyfromhermotherweretwodifferentthings.
“You’dbetterbeback.Wesaidweweredoingthistogether.”Torresglancedsidewaysatme.
“Yeah,yeah.”Ishookmyhead.Hewasmybestfriend,andtherewasnooneI’dwanttogothroughitwith,buthewasalittleintensethesedays.OrmaybemyfocuswasjustongettingtoIzzy.“Iknow.GetthroughQCourse,andthenit’sallaboutDelta.”
“It’sgoingtobeawesome.”Hegrinned.“MyoldmanisgoingtoflipthatI’mfollowinginthoseboots.”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmileathowhappyhewas.
“Doesyournon-girlfriendknow?”heaskedaswepulledupinfrontofthedeparturesdrop-offpoint.
MystomachsankasIclimbedoutofthecab,shuttingthefrontdoor,onlytoopenthebackoneformybags.
“You’vetoldher,right?”Thelookonhisfacewasequalpartsjudgmentandworry.“BecausefromwhatIknowaboutIzzy,she’sgoingtowantsomepathforward,consideringshejustgraduatedlawschool.”
“I’lltellher.”Ishoulderedmybackpackandheftedmysuitcasetothesidewalk.
“Wherethehelldoesshethinkyou’vebeenforthepastfewmonths?”
Agrimacecrossedmyface.“Ididn’treallyexplainit.”
“Butyou’vetoldherthatyou’reback.”
“I…sentheranemailacoupleweeksagotomakesurewewerestillonforthetrip.”EverythingIhadtosaytoherneededtobesaidinperson,whichwasn’tanopportunitywe’dhad.
“You’reseriouslygoingtogetonthatplane,hopesheshowsupatLAX,andthenwhat…prayshedidn’tgetaboyfriendwhocanactuallybearoundinthelastsixmonths?”
“Prettymuch.”She’dsaidshewascoming,buttheemailhadbeenshort,whichI’dexpectedgiventhetimingofherfinals.Didn’tmeanmystomachwasn’tinknotsthatshemighthavechangedhermind.We’dbothboughtticketsinJanuary,andI’dcoveredtheresort,butthefinancialcostwouldbenothingcomparedtotheblowofknowingI’dmessedupourentirerelationshipbecauseIhadn’tbeenabletokeepmyhandstomyselfsixmonthsago.
“Right.”Hepulledhissunglassesdownandlookedovertherims.“Thatwholewe-live-in-a-gray-areathingyouhavegoingoniseventuallybitingyouintheass.”
“Iknow.”Isighed.“Butuntilitdoes,I’mnotmessingwiththeonlygoodthingIhaveinmylife.”
“Don’tforgetthatyoupassedselectionforSpecialForces.That’saprettybadassthingyouhavegoingforyou.”Hegrinnedbackatme.
“Truth.Weareprettybadass.Thanksfortheride.”IpulledmySaintLouisBluescapdownandshuthisdoor.
Fivehourslater,IwaitedatthegateinLosAngelesforflight4482toNandi,tappingmyfootwithmorethanalittlenervousenergyastheminutescounteddown.IcheckedtheboardingpassagainandmadesureIwasattherightgate.Iwas.
Izzywasn’there.
Ipickedupmyphoneanddebatedcalling,butknowingshewasn’tcomingnowasopposedtofifteenminutesfromnowwasn’tgoingtochangeanything.AtleastthatwasthelieItoldmyself.Fearturnedmybloodtoice.
Ouremailshadbeenshorterandshorteroverthelastfewmonths.
Ourphonecallshadbeennonexistentbetweenthedeploymentandselection.
Shehadeveryrighttochangehermind,todate,tofallinlovewithsomeoneelse.Godknewifshewasmine,really,honestlymine,therewasnowayinhellI’dbecomfortablewithherflyingofftoFijiwithanothermanforaweek.
Minutestickedby,andtheattendanttoldthepeoplearoundmeintheirvacationclothes,anoverabundanceoffloweredshirtsandcargoshorts,topreparetoboard.
Theycalledpassengerstopreboard,andIstood,shiftingmybackpacktomyshoulderasIsurveyedeveryonearoundme,lookingforaflashofblondehairandsparklingbrowneyes.
Thentheattendantcalledourgrouptoboard.
Holyfuckingshit.Thiswasactuallyhappening.
Therewasstilltime,though,andIzzywasn’tthekindofwomantostandsomeoneup.Shewouldhavecalled.Written.Sentacarrierpigeontotellmeshewaspissedornotcoming.
Imovedintoline,scannedmyticketattheentrancetothegateway,andthenwalkeddownthejetbridge,myheartpoundingwitheverystep.BythetimeIfoundmyseat,andhersemptynexttoit,thepoundinghadbecomeadullroarinmyears.
Itooktheseatnexttothewindowbecauseshe’dneverbeencomfortablethereafterthecrash,andthenIdidtheonlythingIcould—wait.Raisingtheshadeonthewindow,Ilookedoutoverthetarmacandtriedtofindanythingoutthereworthdistractingmyselfwith.Whenthatdidn’twork,IpulledoutmycopyofCatch-22andahighlighter.
WasIsupposedtogetoff?Gobymyself?FlystraighttoDCandbeghertotalktome?
ThescentofChanelwrappedaroundmelikealover,andIsmiled.
“Thatwasclose,”shesaid,andmyheadwhippedtowardher.ThosewerethefirstwordsI’deverspokentoherinaplaneconsiderablysmallerthanthisone.Izzy’seyeswerealittleredandpuffy,likeshe’dbeencryingbuthadstoppedhoursago,andhersmilewasbrightasshesankintoherseat.“MyflightwasdelayedoutofDC.”
“Hey,Izzy.”Mygazedevouredher,takingintheloosesweepofherhairuptothebunshewore,afewstrandsofthehoneyblondefallingaroundherface,andthecurveofhersoftlips.Ineededtoleanacrossthesmallbarrierbetweenourseatsandkisstheshitoutofher.I’dmissedhermorethanI’dletmyselfrealize.
“Hey,Nate,”shesaidsoftly,scanningovermyfeatureslikeshewaslookingfornewscars,newinjuriestocatalog.Therewerenonewhereshecouldsee.
“You’vebeencrying.”Mystomachtightened.
Shenodded.
“Wanttotalkaboutit?”Allshehadtodowastellmewhotokill,andthey’dbedead.
“IbrokeupwithsomeoneIliked.”Sheshrugged.“Thistripwouldn’thavebeenfairtohim.Idon’tregretit.Itwastherightchoice.”Shefastenedherseatbeltandreachedformyhand,lockingourfingers.
ItwashardtobreatheundertheweightofguiltofknowingIwasthereasonshewashurting,butwiththesimpletouchofherhandinmine,Iwashome.
“Izzy,”Iwhispered,unabletoputmyfeelingstowordsaspainsettledinmychest.TherewasnothingIwouldn’tdotokeepherfrompain,evenifitmeantIwasn’therchoice.“Youdidn’thaveto.Andyoudon’thavetocomenow.Youcanwalkoffthisplane,andtherewillbenohardfeelings.”
“ButIdidhavetobreakupwithhim.”Shesighed,leaningbackandturningsohercheekrestedagainsttheseatasshelookedatme.“Becauseitdidn’tmatterhowmuchIlikedhim.Iwouldratherspendaweekwithyouthanalifetimewithhim.Thatwasn’tfairtoeitherofus,youknow?”
IthoughtabouttherelationshipsI’dendedbecauseIknewI’dbeseeingIzzysoon,orbecauseI’drealizedthatnothingcomparedtothewayIfeltaroundher.
“Yeah.Iknow.”Thepaininmychestexpanded,andIpickedupherhand,pressingakisstothesoftskinofthebackofit.Iwouldmakeituptoher.Ihadto.
Thewaterlappedatourfeettwenty-fourhourslateraswewalkeddownthedesertedbeach.We’dflown,thenflownagain,thenpassedoutsidebysideoncewe’dreachedouroverwaterbungalowthathadcostmemorethanIevenwantedtothinkabout.
Isleptmyfirstfullnightinwhatfeltlikeyears,andwakingupbesideher,watchingtherhythmicriseandfallofherchest,wastheclosestI’deverbeentoheaven.
Ormaybethatwasrightnow,watchinghersmiledownatthewater,thesunkissingherbareshouldersinhersundress
“So,whatareyouthinkingfornextyear?”sheasked.
“Wehaven’tevenbeenhereafulldayandyou’reaskingaboutnextyear?”Islippedmyhandintomypocket,fumblingwiththelittleboxI’dbroughtalong.“I’mstillthinkingaboutrentingthoseWaveRunnersorgoingforahikelater.”
Shetuckedherhairbehindherearandgrinnedupatme.“Itgivesmesomethingtolookforwardto.Imean,ittookustwoyearsjusttogethere,sowhoknowshowlongitwilltakeustogetanothertrip.”
“Solidpoint.”Iglancedaroundatthebeautyoftheisland,thelushvegetation,palesand,andaquawatersthatnopicturecouldcapture.“I’mstillsurprisedwemadeithere.”
“Metoo.”Sheglanceddownmytorso,hergazeheatinginalookthatmademewishwe’dstayedinthebungalow.NotthatIwasmakinganyassumptions.I’dhappilykeepmyhandsinmypocketsifthatmeantI’dhaveaweekwithher.Herbrowfurrowed,andshesteppedinfrontofme,stoppingmeinmytracks.“What’sthat?”Shetrailedafingertipdownascarbarelyvisibleinthesleeveofmytattoo.
Ofcourseshe’dnoticed.Icouldn’tgetanythingbyIzzy.Whetherornotshechosetoask,toopentopicsIdidn’twanttodiscuss,topokeforanswers,shenoticed.
“Nothingtoworryabout,”Iassuredher.
Sheshotanarchedbrowatme.
“Itwasapieceofshrapnel.”Ishrugged.“RightaroundwhenIwentbackafterMom’s—”Iswallowed,andhergazejumpedtomeetmine.“Itwasreallynothing.Fourstitchesandsomeantibiotics.”
Herlipspursed,andhergriponmyarmshiftedsoshecouldrunherthumboverit.“IfeellikeyouhavemoreoftheseeverytimeIseeyou.”
“That’sbecauseIdo.”
“Andyou’reokaywiththat?”Herhandfellaway,andherfacefell.
“It’smyjob.”AndifwhatIdidovertheremadeitevenslightlysaferforhertosleepatnight,thenitwasworthit.
Shelookedaway,andmystomachlurched.“Howmanyyearsdoyouhavetoserveforthemilitarytopayforcollege,anyway?”
“Oh,I’mwaypastthat.”Iregrettedthewordsthesecondtheyleftmymouth.“Speakingofpassingthings…”Ibroughtoutthesmallboxfrommypocket.“I’mnotsureI’vesaidcongratulationsforgraduatinglawschoolyet.”
HereyeswidenedasIheldoutthevelvetbox.“Nate…”
“Takeit.It’snotgoingtobiteyou,Iz.”Igrinned.
“Don’tdothat.”Sheglaredatme,thenstaredatthebox.
“Dowhat?Buyyougifts?”Ishookthelittleboxrightinfrontofherpertnose.“WhatelseamIgoingtodowiththemassiveamountsofhazardpayI’mrackingup?”
“Flashthatlittledimpleofyourslikeit’sgoingtodistractme.”Twocutelittlelinesappearedinherforehead
“Mydimpledistractsyou?”Shit,Ineededtousethattomyadvantagemoreoften,whichwouldrequireactuallybeingabletoseehermoreoften.
“Stopchangingthesubject.Whatisthat?”Shepointedtothebox.
“Youcouldopenitandfindout.”Icouldn’tstopgrinningnow.
“Nate.”Shesuckedinabreath.“It’sjustthatit’sasmallbox.Areallysmallvelvetbox,andyouandIhaveneverdefinedwhateverthisis,andthat’sbeenokaywithme,butIreallyneedtobepreparedifthatboxisthebox,andnormallyI’djustlaughitoff,butwe’reinFiji,onthebeachand—”
Ilaughed.“Relax,Izzy.It’snotaring.Iwouldn’tdothattoyou.”
“Ohgood.”Hershoulderssagged.“Wait.”Shejerkedherheadbackuptolookatme.“Whatdoyoumeandothattome?”
Icockedmyheadtothesideandtriedtosmothermysmile.“Isitalwaysthisdifficultforyoutoacceptagift?Imean,thelastthingI’deverdoisshovearingatyouandaskyoutogiveupeverythingyou’veworkedforwithoutgivingusachancetobuildsomethingfirst.Thatwouldn’tbefairtoyou.”AndIwasn’tsureshe’dsayyes,anyway.She’dprobablyneveradmitit,butshecravedherparents’approvalonalevelIwasn’tsuresheevenrealized,andIwasfarfromtheiridealhusbandfortheirdaughter.Notrustfund.Nopoliticalconnections.
“Oh.”Thatohsoundedentirelydifferentfromthefirstone,butIcouldn’tdecideifitwasinagoodwayorabadway.
“Present,Izzy.Present.”Ishookthebox.
“Thankyou.”Shepluckedtheboxfrommyhand,andImemorizedthemoment.Theexcitementinhereyes,thesoftbiteofherteethintoherlowerlip,thewayshebouncedslightlyontheballsofherbarefeet.
FeelingsIcouldn’tcomprehendexplodedinmychest.HowcouldIneedthiswomansomuchandseehersolittle?HowcouldshemeaneverythingandyetexistinacompletelydifferentworldfromtheoneIlivedin?
Sheopenedtheboxandgasped,hershockedgazeleapingtomine.“Nate,youshouldn’thave.”
AndthereIwent,grinningagain.IneversmiledasmuchasIdidwhenIwaswithIzzy.“Iabsolutelyshouldhave.I’mincrediblyproudofyou.”
“Theymusthavecostyouafortune.”ShelookedatthediamondstudearringsI’dorderedfromthestorewiththeblueboxes.“Canyouholdit?”Shehandedtheboxback.
Inoddedandtooktheboxwhileshechangedouttheearringsshewasalreadywearing,puttingthecurrentonesinthebox.“Icancarryit,”Itoldher,andputtheboxbackinmypocket.
“Howdotheylook?”Sheturnedherhead,lettingthesuncatchthestones.
“Notasbeautifulasyouare,butthey’lldo.”Itookoutmyphoneandturnedonthecameraapp,flippingittoselfiemodesoshecouldseehowgorgeousshewas.
“Takeapicturewithme.”Shetuggedonmyarm,andIwent,snappingaquickseriesofselfiesandkissinghercheekonthelastone.“They’reamazing.Thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.”Ikissedherforeheadandlethergo.Ifshewasfreshoffabreakup,thelastthingshe’dwantorneedwasmepawingonher.
“IwasthinkingPalau.”Sheturned,walkingbackwardtofaceme,hersmilebrighterthanthesun.
“Palau?”Damn,shewasgorgeous.
“Fornextyear.”
“Right.”Iswallowedthroughthegrowingtightnessinmythroat.“AndmaybePerutheyearafterthat.WecouldhikeuptoMachuPicchu.”IfIcouldgetleave.Ifweweren’tondeployment.Ifweweren’theadedforassessmentforDelta.
“Thatsoundslikefun.”Sheheldoutherhand,andItookit.“I’llhavetoaskfortimeoff,though.GoinginOctoberwouldgivememorethanayearatmynewfirm—assumingIpassthebar.I’msittingforitsoon.HardtobelieveI’mfinallyoutofschool.”
“You’vedonegreat.”
Wewalkedinsilenceforafewmoments.“SoIhaveafewinterviewslinedupatsomereallygreatfirms.Atleasttheonesthatwilltalktomebeforethebar.”
“Tellmeaboutthem.”Icould’velistenedtohertalkforever.
“OneisinBoston,andthere’soneinNewYorkIlikeandanotherthatIreally,reallylike.”Shelookedupatmebeneathherlashes,andhercheeksflushed.“TwoinSeattle,andoneinTacoma.Theyallhavereciprocity,soaslongasIpassthebarinDC,Ishouldbegood.”
Iblinked,pausing,thenturningtowardher.“TacomaandSeattle.”
Shenodded,andherbreathcaughtasshesearchedmyeyesforananswerIdidn’thavetogiveher.“Iwasthinking,whichisalwaysdangerous,butIcan’tseemtostopmyself,whichiswhyIbrokeupwithLuke—”
Luke.Didn’tknowhimandalreadyfuckingloathedhim.
“Notjustbecauseofthistrip,butbecausewe’vebeendancingaroundeachotherforyears,Nate.Years.Andwekeepsayingthatthetimeisn’tright,andthatweoweourselvesareal,trueshotandnotsomehalf-assedlong-distancetragedy,right?”Shemovedtowardme,grippingmybiceps.“I’mrealizingthatitdoesn’tmatterwhoIdate.They’realljustplaceholdersbecauseI’mwaitingforyou.Waitingforus.”
“Izzy.”Icradledthesideofherface,soakingineverysinglewordandrejectingthematthesametime.
“I’vegraduatednow,Nate.Icangoanywhere.Doanything.Youcouldgetoutifyouwantedto.”Hergriptightened,andtheintensityinhereyes,hertone,mademyheartclench.“Wecouldbetogether.Notjustsendemailsandlettersandhighlightedbooks,butactuallybetogether.Wecouldwakeupnexttoeachotherifwewantedto,orevenjustdate.IcanmovetoTacomaifyouwantmeto—”
“Iwon’tbeinTacoma,”Isaidsoftly.
“What?”Herbrowknit.
“Ican’tgetout,andIwon’tbeinTacoma.”Islidmythumboverthehighriseofhercheekbone,relishinghowsoftherskinwas.“I’llbeatFortBragg.”
“FortBragg?”
“NorthCarolina.”Inoddedslowly,likeitmightsoftentheblow.“Ihaven’ttoldyouwhereI’vebeenthelastfewmonths.Whymyemailsweren’tasfrequent.”
“Ifiguredyouweredeployed.”Shedrewback.
“No.Iwasatselection.It’slike…”HowthehelldidIdescribeit?“TryoutsforSpecialForces.”
“YouwentwithTorres,”shesaid.“That’swhathealwayswantedtodo,right?”
“Right.”Ialwaysknewshereadmyletters,butdamndidshepayattentiontoo.“Fourofuswent.Rowell—he’smyotherbestfriend—”
“JustinandJulian.Iremember.”
“Piersontoo.Weallmadeit.”
“Ofcourseyoumadeit.”Sheforcedasmile,butitdidn’treachhereyesasshesteppedback,outofmyreach.“You’renotgettingout.You’regettingindeeper.”
Inoddedagain,likeIwasaplasticbobblehead.“Yeah.It’llbeaboutayearoftraining,andthen…”Thewordswouldn’tcome.“Andthenwe’llseewhereIgoafterthat.”
“Thenwe’llsee.”Shetuggedherhairbehindherears,andtheoceanbreezeblewthestrandslooseagain.
“Ihighlydoubttheyhavethekindsoflawfirmsyou’relookingatinFayetteville.”Ishovedmyhandsintomypockets.“You’reprobablyinterviewingatalltheglitzyfirms,right?Thehigh-paying,high-rise,high-cloutones.”
“Yes.I’mlookingatthefirmsthatmakethemostimpact,theplacesIcanmakethebiggestdifference,but…Idon’thaveto.”Shetookanotherstepbackward,andthenanother,untilthewaveslappedoverherfeet.
“Yeah,youdo.I’mnevergoingtobetheguywhoholdsyouback,Izzy.Nevergoingtobethatassholethatdemandsyougiveupeverythingforwhathewants.”Ikeptmyfeetfirmlyplantedinthesandanddidn’treachforher.“Itwouldbesoeasytotellyouyes,tomovetoFayettevilleandgetinwithapracticethereforayear.Andtheneasytotellyoutopackupandmovewithmeagaintowhereverthey’llsendmenext.Easytobewithyou,easytomakethisthingbetweenus…”Ilookeddownatthesand.
“WhyisitthatIalwayshavetoomanywordsandyouneverhaveenough?”
AsadsmiletuggedatmymouthasIslowlyraisedmyeyestomeethers.“Becausewebalanceeachotherout.AndthatmeansI’mnotgoingtowatchthatlightinyoureyesturntoresentmentwhenyourealizeI’mthereasonyoudon’tachieveeverythingyou’veworkedfor.Iwon’tbeabletolivewithmyselfifI’malwaysholdingyouback.”
“Sothisisallweget?”Shethrewherarmsout.“Momentsthatwehavetocarveout,neveractuallyabletoshareourlives?”
“Theskyiscloudless.Thatwateriscrystalclear.AndyouarethemostbeautifulwomanI’veeverseen,Isabeau.Ifthisisallweget,thenit’sprettygreat.”
Shetookashakybreath.“IknowItoldyouthatI’dratherspendaweekwithyouthanforeverwithhim.”
Iheldmybreath.
“ButI’mnotgoingtowaitaroundforever,Nate.There’sgoingtocomeamomentwhereweeitherhavetotakeourshotorweleteachothergo.”
“Iknow.”Thatknowledgehauntedmemorethanthenightmares.
“Becauseit’snotlikeyouandIcouldeverbejustfriends.”
“Iknow.”
“Maybeyoucould,”shesaid,kickingattheankle-deepwater.“ButIcan’t.NotnowthatIknowwhatitfeelsliketohaveyou.I’llneverbeabletolookatyouandnotwantyou.”
Eventhesmallamountofdistancebetweenusnowwaskillingme.“It’sthesameforme.”
Hershouldersdipped,andshethrewherheadbackatthesky.“Whyisourtimingalwaysshit?”
“Becausenothingworthhavingiseasy.”
“Just…promisemeyou’llthinkaboutitwhilewe’rehere,okay?”Shelookedbackatme.“Thinkaboutwhatitcouldbelikeifwebecamemorethanapossibility.”
“Yeah.Icandothat.”Ithoughtaboutitmorethansheknewandalwayscametothesameconclusion,butitwasimpossibletodenyherrequest.
Heransweringsmilewasworthit.“Wehavetheweek.SogetoverhereandkissmeinthewaterlikeI’vebeendreamingabout,NathanielPhelan.”
Shedidn’thavetotellmetwice.CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE
IZZY
Kandahar,Afghanistan
August2021
Ishiftedinmysleep,rollingtomyback.Thepillowbeneathmyheadwaswarm,butthefabricofthepillowcaseabradedthebaseofmyneck.Butthescent—metalandspearmintmixedwithsomethingwarmer—mademesighwithrecognition.
Mymindacknowledgedthedream—italwaysdid—butIclungtoit,willingmyselftofallmoredeeplyasleepsoIwouldn’tloseit.
Fingersgentlystrokeddownmycheek,andIleanedintothecaress.
“Wakeup,Isabeau.”Hisvoicewrappedaroundmelikevelvet,justlikeitdideverymorninginFijiwhenhe’dwokenmewithhishandsandmouth,rousingmybodytoafeverpitchbeforeslidingintomeandbringingusbothhome.
“Idon’twantto,”Imumbled.Wakingwouldmeanhe’dbegone,thatI’dhavetofaceanotherdayofwonderingwherehewas.
“Youhaveto,”hesaidsoftly.“It’salmosttimetogo.”
“You’realwaysgoing.”Iangledmyheadmorecomfortablyandletmybreathingdeepenagain,slippingbackintosleep.“Everconsideredstaying?”
“Toomanytimestocount.”Fingersbrushedthroughmyhair.“Butwecan’tstayhere.Wehavetogo.”
Thiswasn’twhatIwantedtodream.IwantedtogobacktomyapartmentinNewYork.Wantedtoopenthedoorandfindhimstandingthere.WantedtotakebackeverythingI’dsaidanddoitalldifferently.
“Izzy.”Hisvoicewasstillsoft,butmoreinsistent.
Iforcedmyeyesopenandwasrewardedbythesightofhimlookingdownatme.God,therewasnothingbetterthanwakinguptothoseeyes,thatmouth,evenifitwassetinafirmline.“Notallofuspreferthesunrise,Nathaniel.”
Acornerofhismouthliftedintoasmirk,andmypulsejumped,bringingmefullyawake.Iwantedtokissthatmouth,tolosemyselfinhim,tofeelthatsweetoblivionthatonlyNatebroughtme.“Youmightnotlikethesunrise,butIdoubtyouwanttospendanothernightontheairportfloorifwemissourextraction.”
Iblinked,anditallcamerushingback
WewereinKandahar,andthatscratchyfabricwasthematerialofNate’scamouflagepants.EitherI’dfallenasleepwithmyheadinhislap,orhe’dmovedmehere,wherehe’dsatbackagainstthewall.Everybeatofmyheartbeggedmetostayput,tosoakineverymomentthathelookedatmewithoutthecoolaloofapathyhe’ddishedoutforthelastweek.Withoutthearmorofmyownanger,Icouldn’tblamehimforkeepingmeatadistance.Itwasn’tinNate’snaturetoletanyonein,andwhenpushcametoshove,I’dlethimdownwhenhe’dneededmemost.WebothboreourshareoftheresponsibilityforwhathappenedinNewYork.“Doyouknowthatthisisthelongestamountoftimewe’vespenttogether?”
Hisbrowknit.“Almost.Fijiwasninedayswiththeflights.We’reonlyondayeight.”
“IlikedFijibetter.Noonewasshootingatus.”
“That’swhathappenswhenyouhaulyourselfintoawarzone,Iz.Peopleshootatyou.”Heheldouthishand,andItookit,sittingupagainsttheprotestsofmysoremuscles.
“Didyougetanysleep?”Iasked,rubbingthebackofmyneckandrollingmyshoulders.
“Enough.”Hestood,stretchinghisarms,makingthesleeveofhistattooripple.“Thebirdsareintheair.We’vegotaboutforty-fiveminutesbeforetheyarrive.Let’sgetyououtofhere.”
Hewaivedthetwelve-inchrulewhilewebothusedthebathroom,andthenkeptmecloseasIcheckedinwiththechessteamandtheirparents,who’dalreadybeenbriefedonourdeparture.
Hopefullyitwouldgomoresmoothlythanourarrivalyesterday.
Theairthickenedwithanxietywitheachpassingsecond,andfeartrickleddownmyspine,butIforcedasmileforthegirls.ThesixofthemwerejustasIrememberedfromourshortSkypesessions,inquisitiveandfunny.TheyalsospokeimmaculateEnglish,whichmademewishI’dchosensomethingotherthanFrenchinhighschoolsoIcouldhavereciprocatedinkind.
“Allthevisasareinthisenvelope,”ItoldCoachNiaz,handingherthelargesealedmanilafolderaseveryonegatheredtheirthings.“Ididn’twanttochancelosingthem.”
“Thankyou.I’llhandthemouttothefamiliesjustincasewegetseparated,”shesaid,theshorterwomanadjustingherbagoverhershoulderandsmilingatmewithwaterybrowneyesthatcrinkledattheircorners.“I’llneverbeabletothankyouenough.I’msorryyouhadtocomeallthisway,but—”
“Youdon’thavetoexplain.”Mythroatthreatenedtocloseasemotionrose,swiftandoverwhelming.I’dneverbeenapartofsomethingasimportantasthis,neverdoneanythinginmytwenty-eightyearsthatqualifiedas…meaningful.“I’mjustgratefultobeinapositiontohelp,”Imanagedtosay,squeezingherhands.
GrayapproachedandleanedinatNate’sshoulder.“They’refiveminutesout.”
Nateglancedmyway,andInodded.
“It’stime,”Natesaid,hisvoicefillingthewaitingarea.“Twelveinches,”heremindedmeastheotheroperatorstookchargeofthefamilyunitsthey’dbeenassigned,leavingoneoutsidewatchingthedoor.
HehandedmetheKevlarhelmet,andIputitonoverthesleep-mussedstrandsofmybun,thendidthesamewiththetacticalvest.Atleasthe’dletmesleepwithoutit.
WepassedapileofMREsonourwayoutoftheroom,headingintothehallwayanddownthestairs.“Didyoumeantoleavethosethere?”
Henodded,hisexpressionmorethanalertashesurveyedtheareaaroundus.“Theydon’thaveenoughfoodhere.They’rebasicallycutoff.”
“Andwe’rejustgoingtoleavethem?”Iglancedupathim,buthewasinworkmode.Therewerenocheek-grazingtouchesorsmiles.ThiswastheversionofNateIdidn’tseestateside.
“Noteveryonewantstobesaved,Izzy.”Hegrippedhisrifleaswestarteddownthelengthoftheterminal.
“Thisisourhome,”theAfghansoldieronmyrightsaid.“We’lldefendittothedeath.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay,soIsimplynodded,clutchingmymessengerbagtighterthecloserwegottotheexit.Wepassedthegatewe’dtakenshelteratyesterday.Thewindowsthathadbeenblownouthadalreadybeenboardedup.
“Trytobreathe,”Natesaidaswemovedtowardthedoor,whichwasguardedbyBlackandtwootherAfghansoldiers.
“Andiftheystartfiringrocketsatusagain?”Ikeptmyvoicedown,wellawareofthegirlsbehindus,movinginthegroupsthey’dbeenassignedfortheirspecifichelicopters.
“TheybroughtApaches,”Nateremindedme.“Iftheystartfiringrockets,they’llgiveawaytheirposition,andthenthey’llgetrepaidtenfold.”Hisjawflexedaswereachedthedoorandpaused.
“Right,becausewarfareislogical.”Panicstutteredmyheartbeat.Fine,Iwasn’tcutoutforthis.Icouldadmitthattomyself.
“Juststaywithme,”Nateordered,softly.“I’llgetyouonthathelicopter.”
Ididn’tdoubtthat.Ialsoknewhowluckywe’dbeenyesterdaytohavealreadymadeitinsidebeforetheexplosionsstarted.
“Ifit’sbetweenmeoroneofthegirls—”
Natepivotedtowardme,tookmychinbetweenthumbandforefinger,andtiltedmyfacetowardhis.“I’mnotthatguy.”HesaiditsosoftlythatIbarelyheardhim,soIknewthefamilybehinduscouldn’t.
“Whatguy?”
“Thirtyseconds,”Graycalledoutfromtheendofourgroup.
“Theguywhodoesthehonorablething,”Natesaid,hiseyessearchingmine.“Notwhenitcomestoyou.”
“Yes,youare,”Iargued.
Heshookhishead.“There’sadifferencebetweenyouandme,Iz.Therealwayshasbeen.Ifyouknewtheworldhadtwenty-fourhoursbeforesomecalamitystruck,wherewouldyougo?”
Iblinked.Itwastheoddestquestionhe’deveraskedmeinthenameofdistraction.“Serenawouldprobablybereporting,andmyparentsaren’texactlythecomfortingtype,soIguessI’dgotowhereverIcoulddothemostgood.”
Awrysmiletwistedhislips.Hisgazedroppedtomymouth,andheletgoofmychin.“Yeah.That’sthedifferencebetweenus.”
Ididn’thavetimetoaskwhathemeant.Thesoundofrotorsfilledtheair,andIlookedthroughtheglasstoseefourhelicopterslandonthetarmac,andtwomoreflyby.
“Go!”Natesaidoverhisshoulder,andthedoorsburstopen.WewereusheredthroughbyanotheroperatorandtheAfghansoldiers.
Myheartracedaswequicklymadeourwaydownthesamewalkwaywe’denteredonyesterday.Itlookeddifferentnow.Longer.Thearcheswewalkedunderweresomehowlessbeautifulandmore..exposed.OrmaybeitwassimplythewayIlookedatthemthathadchanged.
Oncewehittheopenairoftherunway,myheartthreatenedtojumpship.Wepassedacraterintheconcretethatdefinitelyhadn’tbeenthereyesterday,andmybloodrushed,poundingthroughmyears.Nateledmeacrossthecooltarmac,notyetheatedfromthesunatthisearlyhour,andtothefarthesthelicopter.
Thedoorgunnerwavedusin,andNateallbutliftedmeintotheBlackhawk,forcingmeinfirst.Ididn’twastetimebyarguing.Ifoundmyusualseatandgotmyselfoutofhisway.
Buthedidn’tfollow.
Myheadwhippedtowardthedoor.Natewaitedonthetarmac,lookingbacktowardtheterminal.Iheldmybreath.Ifthelasttwenty-fourhourshadtaughtmeanything,itwasthatsecondscounted.
Andmyheartnotedeverysingleoneofthemashestoodoutthere,completelyexposed.
Lilacappeared,escortedbyapairofAfghansoldiers,oneofwhomwascarryingKaameh.Hesetherdownjustinsidethedoorandlethergo,andthentherestofthefamilyshuffledintothehelicopter.Theytooktheseatsdirectlyacrossfromme,theirchestsheavingandtheireyeswide.IleanedforwardandbuckledKaamehintotheseatbythewindow,whereNateusuallysat,ashermotherandfatherjuggledherlittlebrothersotheycouldeachfastentheirown.
NateandLilacclimbedin,andonceNate’sthightouchedmine,Itookafullbreath,thenanother,andanother,untiltheycametoofast.Hewasfine.Wewerefine.
Thehelicopterlaunched,andthegroundfellaway.
Natereachedontomylapandtookmyhand,lacingmyfingerswithhis,holdingtightasweflewoutofKandahar.Mybreathingsteadiedwitheverymileweflew.Iknewthemomentwouldn’tlast,thathewouldn’tkeepholdofmeforever,andhedidn’t.
Hishandslidfree,andIcouldn’thelpbutmournthelossimmediately.
Buthedidn’tknowthatmylefthandwasbareforareason.
AndIhadyettodecideifIwasgoingtotellhim,yettofigureoutifhe’devenwanttoknow.
Whenwelanded,thegirlshuggedme,andthenwereimmediatelyputintoSUVswiththeirfamiliestoheadtotheairport.Itwasshort.Anticlimactic.Perfect.
“Lookatyou,makingadifference,”NatesaidasheledmetoourownSUV.
“Feelsgood,”Iadmitted,slidingintothecar.“It’sprobablythebestthingI’lleverdo.”IfthatwastheculminationofallmytimeinWashington,itwouldhavebeenworthit.
Nateclosedmydoorandclimbedinfront.Ismiledtheentirewaytotheembassy.
ButIstoppedsmilingwhenwewalkedintothechaoticlobbyandIsawthroughtheanxiouscrowdthattheglass-frontconferenceroomwe’dtakenoverwasempty.
“YouneedtofindDickfaceandtellhimyou’reokay?”Nateasked,hisvoicetrailingoffashefollowedmylineofsight.
Hismajorwalkedforward,hismouthsetinafirmline.“Goodjobgettingtheteamout.”
“Where’smyteam?”Iasked,mystomachsinking.
“StateDepartmenthasorderedapartialevacuationoftheembassy.”ThemajorlookedatNate,thenme.“Sorrytotellyouthis,buttheothersonyourteamleftafewhoursagowiththecongressionalcandidate…theonewhowasn’tscheduledtobehere.Covington.”
Iwobbled,andNatesteadiedmewithahandonmylowerback.
“Whatdoyoumeantheyleft?”hepracticallygrowled.
“Thesenatorscalledofftheirtrip,andtheygotontheplane,”themajorexplained,hisvoicegentlingashestudiedmyface.“Youmightwanttogiveyourbossacall.”
I’dbeenleftbehind.CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
IZZY
Fiji
June2017
Therewasnothingquiteasbeautifulaswatchingthereflectionofthemoonrippleonthewateroffthedeckofouroverwaterbungalow.Iglancedovermyshoulder,backthroughtheopendoubledoors,andtookintheexpanseofNate’snakedbackashelayasleeponwhathadbecomehissideofthebedinthelastfivedayswe’dbeenhere.Thetopof
Fine,maybetherewasonethinginthisworldmorebeautifulthanthemoon.
Thebreezeflutteredthesilkofmyspaghetti-strapped,thigh-highnightgown,andIturnedawayfromNatetofacethewateragain.Itwasthemiddleofthenight,andourdeckwasshelteredfromanypryingeyes—iftherewasevenanyoneawakeinthebungalowsbesideus—butthoughNatehadnoproblemwalkingaroundgorgeously,mouthwateringlynaked,Iwasn’tquitethatconfident.
Ialsocouldn’tsleep.He’dwornmybodyoutintoablissfulstateofeuphoricexhaustion,butmymindhadspunlongafterhiseyeshaddriftedshut.
Weonlyhadtwodaysleft.
Twodays,andthenwe’dheadbacktotheStates.Backtoreality.Backtoalifewhereweneverknewwherewestoodwitheachother,orwhenwe’dseetheotheragain.BacktoalifewhereIpushedawayeverymanwhogottoocloseforthesimplereasonthathewasn’tNate.
WhenI’dbrokenthingsoffwithLuke,Ihadn’tcriedoutofheartbreak.I’dcriedbecauseI’dspentmonthswithhimandonlyfallenintolike,alikeI’dbeenshamefullywillingtotossaside.
Love?Thatwordbelongedtoonemaninmylife,andIcouldn’thavehim.Notreally.
Iwashopelessly,inexorablyinlovewithNathaniel,andonlyNathaniel.
Andhewouldn’tletmein.Iwasforeverkeptinhisorbit,allowedtoglimpsethedamageIknewlingeredbeneathhissurface,butcondemnedtowatchhelplesslyfromafarashecollectedscars.
Maybeitwasbecausehe’dsavedmeallthoseyearsago.MaybeitwastheeaseIseemedtofeelonlyaroundhim,thewayIcouldbeme,justme,anditwasmorethanenough.Maybeitwasthewayhe’dlookedatmeathismom’sfuneral,likeIwastheloneboatinanoceantryingitsbesttodrownhim.Ormaybeitwasthewayheerasedeverylogicalthoughtwithasingletouch.
Whateveritwasabouthimthatheldmyheart,itonlyexistedwithNate.
Andweonlyhadtwomoredays.
HowwasIsupposedtosleepevenanhourofthataway?
IwrappedmyarmsaroundmymiddleandstaredupatthemoonlikeitmightdelivertheanswersIneeded.WasIsupposedtomovetoNorthCarolina?GiveupthekindofworkIwantedtodoinordertobewithhimonthefewdaysoftheyearhe’dactuallybehome,whenthatclearlywasn’twhathewanted?
Anoisemademeturnbacktowardthebed.
Nate’sbodyjerked.
Imovedtowardhim,walkingsoundlesslysoIwouldn’twakehim,watchingtoseeifanythingwaswrong.Afteraboutaminute,Isatcarefullyonmysideofthebed,thenslowlypulledmylegsupsoIwouldn’tjostlethebedtoomuch.
Hejoltedagain,lettingoutashoutthatstartledme.
Hewashavinganightmare.
“Nate.”Ileanedovertohim,gentlytouchinghisshoulder.“Nate,wake—”
Hemovedsofastthatmyheartstopped.
MybackhitthemattressinthesamesecondthatNateappearedaboveme.Hiseyeswerewideandintense,andhisforearm—
Itwaspressedtomycollarboneashisotherhandbattedforsomethingonthebed.
“Nate!”Icriedoutasmystomachlurchedintomythroat.
Horrorstreakedacrosshisface,andhejumpedbackward,removinghisweightinlessthanaheartbeatandscramblingfortheedgeofthebed.“Ohshit.”Thebloodranfromhisface.“Izzy.GodIzzy.”
Imovedbackagainsttheheadboard,mymindtryinglikehelltocatchuptowhatjusthappened.
“I’msosorry.”Heliftedhishandlikehewasgoingtoreachforme,thensetitbackdown.“DidIhurtyou?”
“No.”Thestrickenlookonhisfacebrokemyheart.“I’mokay,”Ipromised.
Hedroppedhisheadintohishands.“I’msosorry.”
“I’mfine,Nate.Startled,butfine.”Mypulseraced,butitwasnothingcomparedtothewaymychesttightenedatthemiseryinhisvoice.“Nate,lookatme.”
Heslowlyliftedhishead,hiseyesrisingtomeetmine.
“Youdidn’thurtme.”Ishookmyhead,logiccuttingthroughtheshock.“Youwerehavinganightmare,andIstartledyou.Inevershouldhavetouchedyou.IknowenoughaboutPTSDtoknowthat,andIjust…forgot.I’mtheonewho’ssorry.”
“Don’tyoudareapologizetome.”Hedrewhiskneestohischest.
Iscootedcloserbutstoppedmidwayacrossthebed,givinghimspace.“Youdidn’tchokeme.Youdidn’tcutoffmyairway.Youdidn’tthrowmetotheground.You.Didn’t.Hurt.Me.”
Heslidoffthebedandpulledonapairofdryswimtrunks.“AndI’mnotgoingto.”
“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Mystomachsankashewalkedthroughthedoorsandoutontothedeck.“Nate!”
“Getsomesleep,Izzy.”Heturnedtofacemebutcontinuedtowalkbackward.“YouhavenoideahowsorryIam.”
“IthinkIdo,”Istarted,butNatepivotedanddoveoffthedeckintothewaterbelow.Irushedtothebanister,buteventhemoonlightdidn’trevealwherehe’dpoppedup.“Nate!”IwhisperedasloudlyasIcould,tryingnottowakeupanyonearoundus.
Buthedidn’tappear.
Iwaitedonthedeckfortwentyminutes
ThenIwaitedinbedforanotherfifteen.Ormaybeitwastwenty.ThenIclosedmyeyesjustforasecond.
Iwokeslowlyandstretchedmyarmsabovemyhead,thenbroughtmyhandsdowntoskimNate’sbody.
Buthewasn’tthere.
MyeyesflewopenandIsatup,staringattheemptysideofthebed.
“I’mhere,”Natesaidfrommyleft.
IlookedleftandfoundNatesittingonthesofainthecorner,alreadydressedfortheday.Shadowshungunderhiseyes.
“Wereyouupallnight?”Islidoutofbedandtooktheoppositesideofthecouch.
“Icouldn’tsleepafterI…”Hisvoicetrailedoff,andhejerkedhisgazefrommine,thenleanedoverthecoffeetableandhandedmeasheetofpaper.“Anyway,Imadealist.It’severywherewe’vetalkedaboutoverthelastfewdays.”
Itookthelistfromhimandreadoverit.“Palaunextyear,Perutheyearafterthat,thenBorneo,theCanaryIslands,andtheMaldives.”
“DidImissanything?”Heleanedforward,restinghiselbowsonhisknees.
“Seychelles,”Isaid.
“Right.”Hehandedmeapen.“Writeitin.”
Iglancedfromhimtothepen,thentookitslowlyandwroteSeychellesintheemptyspaceatthebottom,pushingalittletoohardandsendingthepenthroughthepaper.“Shit.”
“Ialreadybookedflightsfornextyear.YouwantedPalau,right?”heasked,puttinghiscellphoneonthetable.
Mypulseleapt.WhatthehellwasIsupposedtodowiththat?“Youdid?”
Henodded.“ImadethemforOctobernextyear,butwecanmovethedates,dependingonwhichfirmyougowith,orifI’m…notaround.”
Inotherwords,deployed.
Iputthepaperandpennexttothephoneandsatback,curlingmylegsunderneathme.Nate’seyesheatedasheglanceddownmybody,andIdidmybesttoignoretheansweringhumofdesirethatlookignited.“Wheredidyoubuytheticketsfrom?Whatcities?”
Hetookadeepbreath.“IboughtminefromNorthCarolina,andyoursfromNewYork.”
Mylipsparted.
“ItextedSerena,sincethetimedifferencehelpedmeout,andshesaidthat’swherethefirmyouwantis.Theonethatyou’vebeentalkingaboutforthelastyear.”
Hedidn’twantmetoevenconsidermovingtoNorthCarolinatobewithhim.Hewantedtokeepusjustlikethis,theonce-a-yearflingthatconsumedmylife,myheart.
“Isthisaboutlastnight?”
“Ijustwantedtomakesurethatwefollowedthrough.”Heswallowed.“Wespentyearstalkingaboutdoingthis,andittook…years.Nowweknowwe’llgettoseeeachother.”
“Evenifit’sjustforaweek?”
“Aweekisbetterthannothing,”hesaid.
“Andhowlongisnothingsupposedtobeourbaseline?”Istood,needingalittledistancefromhim.“Howlongarewesupposedtotryandstealaweekendhere,aweekthere?”
“Aslongaswehaveto.”Hewatchedmepace,hisbodycalmandstillbuthiseyesassessingeverymoveImade.
“That’snotananswer!”
“It’stheonlyoneIhave.”So.Damned.Calm.
Howlongdidheplantostayinthemilitary?Couldn’theseewhatitwasdoingtohim?Icould.Itwasclearasday
“Areweevengoingtotalkaboutlastnight?”
“There’snopointinustalkingaboutanightmare,”hesaid,hiseyestrackingmymovements.“Igetthem.Youprobablygetthem.”
“Yeah,well,Igototherapytoo.”Isatontheedgeofthebed.“Pleasetellmeyou’reseeingsomeone.”Iheldupmyhand.“Andbeforeyouask,no,youdidn’thurtme.I’mnotmadaboutlastnight.Iknowyou’dcutyourhandoffbeforeyou’duseitagainstme.”
Hisjawlockedandhelookedaway,focusingonthesceneryoutsidetheopendoubledoors.“Ipassedthepsychevalforselection,soapparentlyI’mjustfine.Ican’tcontrolwhatIdreamabout,Izzy.AndthesecondIgotalkingtosomeshrinkaboutnightmares,IcanforgetallaboutgettingthroughtheQCourseforSpecialForces.They’llkickmeout.”
“Whatwereyoulookingforlastnight?”Iasked.“Whenyouhadmeunderneathyou,yourhandwassearchingforsomething.”
Heblewoutaslowbreathandrakedhishandsthroughhisshorthair.“IusuallykeepaweaponundermypillowwhenI’mdeployed,andIwasdreaming—”Heshookhishead.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Andhonestly,thingslikewhathappenedlastnightjustaddtothemanyreasonsthatyouandIworkthewaywedo.”
“Butwedon’t!”Ipushedoffthebed,unabletositstill.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtocomeoutofmyskin,likemybodycouldn’tpossiblyholdtheintenseemotionscoursingthroughme.“Thisisn’tarealrelationshipifwekeepdoingitthisway,Nate.”
“Ineversaiditwas.”Hestood,butdidn’tmoveclosertome,justwatchedmeprowlbackandforthacrossourroom.“Weagreednottoblowourshot,remember?Weagreed—”
“Alotchangesinthreeyears,”Icountered.“That’showlongI’vebeenwaiting,Nate.Threeyears,constantlycomparingwhomeverIhappentobedatingtoyou.Constantlywonderingwhereyouare,howyouare.Wonderingifyou’reevergoingtoletmein,tellmewhathappenstoyouwhenyoudeploy.”
“Youdon’twanttoknowanyofthat.”Heslidhishandsintohispockets,thepictureofcoolandcollected.
“Yes,Ido!HowamIsupposedtoknowyouifyouwon’treallyletme?”
“Youknowmebetterthananyone—”
“No,Iknowwhatyouletmeseebetterthananyone.”Ipivotedonthehardwoodfloor,mybacktothedoorasIfacedhim.
“Whatdoyouwantmetotellyou,Iz?”Hecockedhisheadtotheside,andthatmaskIsawfromtimetotime—theonehe’dwornathismom’sfuneral—appeared.“WhoIamoverthereisn’twhoIamwhenI’mwithyou.Ireallydon’twantyougettingtoknowthatguy.”
“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Ihatedhowunruffledheseemed,likehewasn’tstrugglingwiththeconstantdistancebetweenus—theever-movinggoallineofwhenwe’dbeabletohavearealrelationship.
“ItmeansthatI’m…”Hesighed.“I’maneffectivecompartmentalizer.I’velearnedhowtoseparatetheshitthathappensovertherefrommylifestateside.It’soneofthosecopingmechanismsyoutalkedaboutyearsago,remember?”
Idid.
“AndifIwanttoknowallofyou?”
“Youdon’t.”Heshookhisheadwithcertainty.
“Ido,”Iargued.
“No.You.Don’t.ThefactthatIcankeepthatshitunderalidisn’ttolockyouout,Iz,it’stoprotectyou.Youshouldn’thavetodealwith…everything.”
“Becauseyoudon’ttrustmetobethereforyou?”Itooktwostepsclosertohim.“Iwasthereforyourmom’sfuneral.Ishowedupwhenyouneededme.”
“Youdid,andIknowIneverthankedyouenoughforthat—”
“Youdon’thavetothankme,Nate.Iwanttobethere!God,don’tyougetit?Don’tyouunderstandthatthere’snowayIcanstayawayifIknowyou’resuffering?”
“WhichisexactlywhyIhaven’ttoldyou.”Hisvoicerose.“Youwouldn’twanttoknowthethingsI’vedone,thethingsI’lldo.You’dneverlookatmethesameway.Youthinkgettingstartledoutofanightmareisbad?It’snot.Nottomentionthatyoucan’tknowanymore,nowthatI’mgoingintoSpecialForces.It’smostlyclassified.Izzy,you’retheonegood,untaintedthinginmylife.YouaretheonlypeaceIknow.WhywouldIdragyouintoashitstormifIdon’thaveto?”
“So,I’llneverknowwhatyougothrough?Howtohelpyou?”Mychestclenchedalongwithmyfists.
“Whywouldyouwantto?”
“BecauseI’minlovewithyou!”Ishouted,thengasped,coveringmymouthwithbothhands.Shit,thatwasnotsupposedtocomeout.
Hiseyesflared.“Isabeau,no.”
MycheeksstungwithheatasIbackedmywayoutofthebungalowandontothedeck.IfIdoveofftheendrightnowandstartedswimming,Icouldreachthenextislandoverbytheafternoon.Icouldavoidtherestofthisconversation
“Youcan’tloveme,”hesaid,shakinghisheadashefollowedmeout.Thelookonhisfacewaspuredevastation.
“Andyoucan’ttellmehowtofeel!”Oncemybackhittherailing,therewasnowhereelsetogo.“Can’twejustignorethatIsaidit?”
“No.”Hestalkedforward,onlystoppingwhenhehadmecaged,onehandgrippingtherailingoneithersideofme.
“Whynot?You’reaskingmetoignoreeverythingthathappenswhenwe’renottogether.You’reaskingmetoliveoffanexistenceofwhatyoudeigntotellmethroughlettersandemails.”Iliftedmychinandtriedtoglareathim,buttheconcern,theapprehensioninhiseyeschippedatmyanger.
“Becauseeverythingthathappenswhenwe’renottogetheristhebullshit,”hesaid.“Thisisreal.”Hepickedupmyhandandputitonhischest.“ThisistherealityIlivefor.”
Hisheartbeaterraticallyundermyfingers.“Andyetyouwon’tletmeloveyou.”
Heshookhishead.“Youcan’t,Iz.Youjustcan’t.I’mnotgoodenoughforyou,notyet.Lookatwhathappenedlastnight.Onenightmare,andI’vegotmyarmatyour—”Heswallowedhard.“Look,I’mnotjustscared—I’mterrifiedofruiningtheonlyshotwe’llget.Youwantreal?That’showIfeel.Ican’tloseyou.”Hiseyessearchedmine,andIfeltacrackinmychestthatItriedtoignore,knowingthatifIlookedtooclosely,I’dfindafaultlineinmyheart.
“Butyouwon’treallyhavemeeither,”Iwhispered.That’swhenithitme.He’dchosenhispath,andhewouldn’tallowmetofollow.Hewouldalwaysbeatwarinsomewayoranother,andmyfate,ifIchoseit,wouldbetowatchhimslowlychangefromtheboyImetonthatplanesixyearsagointowhateveryearsandyearsofcombatwouldturnhiminto.
Thatcrackinmyheartexpandedwithapainfuljolt.
“I’llhavewhateveryou’llletme.”Hecradledmyfacebetweenhishandsandlookedintomysoul.“Andwewillhavewhateverwecangiveeachother.”Loweringhisheadslowly,hepressedhisagainstmine.“IcanonlygiveyouwhatIhave,Izzy.Iknowit’snotenough,butit’sallIhave.”
Hislipsbrushedovermine,andImelted.
Iwasscrewed.Thatwasallittook—onetouchofhismouth,andIwashis.Becauseaswrongasitmightbe,IlovedhimsomuchthatIwaswillingtotakewhateverIcouldgetwhenitcametoNate.
So,Itookeverythinghe’dgivemeforthenexttwodays,andthenIwenthometoDC,packedforthejobIwasofferedinNewYork,andcounteddownthedaysuntilI’dseehiminPalau.CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
Toputitasmildlyaspossible,thecountrywasfallingthefuckapart.
AndIsabeaurefusedtoleave.
Shewasabouttolosethatchoice.
We’dbeenbackinKabultwenty-fourhours,andtheembassyhaddescendedintowhatcouldonlybecalledchaos.Foreverypersonwithinitswalls,seekingshelter,orawayoutofthecountry,thereweretenoutsidethegatesdemandingentrance.Icouldonlyimaginewhatthetemporarysitebeingestablishedattheairportlookedlike.
Wewereatthecenterofamountainofstockpiledpowderkegs,justwatchingtheflickeringflameofthelitfuseracetowardus.Destructionwasimminent.Itwasonlyaquestionofwhen.
“Herat,”Webbsaid,gesturingtothesurveillancepictureofthefallenprovinceprojectedontothewalloftheconferenceroomwe’dcommandeeredinthebasementoftheembassy.Allbutoneofushadbeengatheredforthenoonbriefing.GrahamwasstickingtoIzzyonmyorders.Webbclicked,andthenextpictureappearedshowingthesamesceneinadifferentprovince.“LashkarGah,whichasyouknow,meanstheentiretyofHelmandisnowinTalibanhands.”
Myjawclenched.
Thealready-tenseatmospherearoundtheconferencetablewentupanotch,butnoonesaidaword.We’dallspentenoughtimeincountrytoknowthattheinitialestimatesofhowlongthegovernmentwouldremainincontrolwerewaytoogenerous,buttowatchitfallapartonourwatchwasbeyondwords.
“AddKandahartothelist,”hesaid,clickingagain.Moreofthesamefloodedthescreen.TwoofAfghanistan’sthreelargestcitieswerenowinthehandsoftheTaliban.
Thespecialopsguysattheairport—
“Unit03?”Parkerasked,voicingmyexactthoughtsasheleanedforwardinhisseatacrossfromme.Thetwitchofhisblackmustachewastheonlysignofhisagitation.
“Holdingtheairportfornow,”Webbreplied.“Butit’snotlookinggood.They’recutoff,andairistheonlyevacroute.They’relowonfoodandammunition.”
“Sobasically,fucked,”Blacksaid.“They’refucked.”
“AfghanSpecialForcesisworkingonsomething,”Webbreplied.“Ifourorderschange,I’llletyouknow.”
Whichmeantweweren’tgoingtobeallowedtodoshit.Myjawclenched.Theywerepinneddown,surrounded,andstarving.
“Movingon…”Webbclickedforthenextpicture,showingjusthowmanyprovinceshadfallen,andItookanyfeelingsIhadabouttheKandaharsituationandshovedthemwheretheybelonged—outofmyhead.EveryprovincetheTalibanhadreclaimedwashighlightedinred,andtherewasashittonofred.
“There’salotofredbetweenusandacertainphotojournalist,”Torresmumbledfrombehindme.
LikeIneededtobereminded.
“Asoflastnight,threethousandofourtroopsareontheway,andallcivilians,Afghanallies,anddiplomatsareunderinstructiontoleave.”HeglancedmywayandInodded,catchinghismeaning.“OurinformationindicatesthatanadditionalthousandbootsoftheEighty-SecondAirbornearegoingtobeauthorizedtoday.Keepingtheairportsecureistheprimaryobjective.”
Thenextpictureappeared,showingthegrowingcrowdsoutsidetheairport.
Yeah,thatfusewasheadedourway,allright.
“Inthelasttwodays,forty-sixflightshavegottenout,andasyoucansee,demandisconsiderablyhigherthansupply,”Webbcontinued.
“FuckingSaigon,”Elstonmuttered,rubbinghishanddownhisbeard.
Ireachedformywaterbottleanddrank,refusingtoletthatknotofanxietyinmythroatgrowanybigger.Izzyhadtogetout.Onceshewasonaplane,Icouldconcentrateonwhatneededtobedone.
“Andlastbutnotleast.”Webbclickedthenextpicture,anoverheadshotofKabultakenbydrone,showingthecongestedroadwaysleadingintothecity,andmarkingthecheckpointsalreadycapturedbytheTalibanontheouterrimofthesmallprovince.“Theenemyisapproachingthegates.Ithinkit’ssafetosaythatPresidentGhaniisnolongerincontrol.”
WewereabouttobeputintothesamepositionasKandahar.
Chairssqueakedasbodiesshiftedweightaroundme.
“Mazar-i-Sharif?”Iasked.
“Holding,”Webbreplied.“Butwe’renotsureforhowlong.”
Seemedtobethegeneralconsensusabouteverythingaroundhere.
“Nowthatmostofthecongressionalteamshaveevacuated,ourmissionwillbeshifting,”Webbsaidashehandedoutorders.Theunitsplitintosquadsoffour,whichwasnothingnewtous,someassignedtohigh-valueindividualsforevacuation,andotherstovarioustasks.
Thebriefingendedandeveryonerose.
“Green,”WebbsaidasIpushedmychairin,andInodded,hangingbackastheothersfiledoutoftheroom.Thedoorshutbeforehespokeagain.“RegardingMs.Astor.”
“I’llgetheronthefirstplane.”
“SenatorLaurenreceivedherrequesttoremainandbeofusetotheambassador.”Hecockedaneyebrow.
“I’mgoingtokillher.”Irubbedthebridgeofmynose.
“SenatorLaurenfoundtherequest…noble…andagreed,onlyinsofaraswecangetMs.Astoroutsafelywhenthetimecomes,andIthinkwecanbothagreethatthetimeiscomingrapidly.Oh,andifwecouldmakesuretogetaphotographertocatchacoupleshotsofheraideworkingdiligently,sincewedidn’ttaketheobviousopportunitypresentedtouswiththegirls’chessteam.”
“Right.”FuckingpoliticianswiththeirfuckingPR.
Heshuthislaptop,andtheprojectionturnedtoablankbluescreen.“IsthereanythingIshouldknowaboutwhyyourchargewouldrequesttostayinacountrythatisobviouslydisintegrating?”
“HersisterisaphotojournalistonassignmentinMazar-i-Sharif.”Iscratchedthefour-daygrowthofbeardIhadgoing.“Ms.Astorisloathtoleaveuntilhersister,alsoMs.Astor,has,andstubbornnessseemstobeagenetictraitinthatfamily,andSerena’sinterpreter’svisaisn’tapprovedyet.”
“Hmm.”Hiseyesnarrowedslightly,whichIknewfromexperiencemeanthewastakingintheinformationandcalculatinghowitaffectedthemission.“I’mnotinthemoodtodealwithapissed-offsenatororhandtheTalibananewsourceofYouTubematerial.”
“Meeither.”Thatwasn’tgoingtohappentoher.
Henodded.“Keepyourusualteamwithyou.Itwouldbenicetogetbothsistersout,especiallygiventheirhighprofile,butourpriorityistheyounger.”
“Noted.”Mychesttightened.IcaredaboutSerenaanddidn’twanttoleaveherbehind,butIwouldn’tsacrificeIzzyforher.TheproblemwasthatIzzywouldn’tagree.
IleftWebbbehindandheadedout,findingTorresleanedupagainstthewalloutsidethedoor,waitingforme.
“Howyoudoing?”heasked,keepingstepwithmedownthedimlylithallway.
“Fine.Can’tyoutell?”
“I’veseenairtrafficcontrollerswithlessanxietywaftingoffthem,butifyouwanttogowithfine…”Heshrugged.
“Ido,”Igrumbled,climbingthestairsintothecrowdedlobby,thencontinuinguptoIzzy’ssuite.Herconferenceroomhadbeentakenoverbyembassystaff,alldoingtheirbesttoprocessasmanyinterviewsastheycouldtocompletevisas.
Grahamstoodguardoutsideherdoor,andhisdarkbrowsshotupwhenhecaughtsightofmewalkinghisway.
“YoumightwanttocheckwithWebb,butIthinkyougettwicetheimminentdangerpayforwalkinginthere,”Grahamsaid,glancingsidewaysatIzzy’sdoor.
“AndI’mtellingyoutolookagain!”sheshouted,hervoicecarryingthroughthedoor.
“See?Prettysureshe’sfiringliverounds.”
“Shedoesn’tscareme,”Ilied,acornerofmymouthlifting.“Gettheothersuphere.We’restillonAstorduty,”Iordered.
“Onit.”Hetookoff.
Itookadeepbreathandwalkedintothesuite.Izzyhaddraggedthelandlinetelephoneovertowhereshesatonthecouch,filesspreadoutonthetableinfrontofher.
“AndI’mtellingyouthatformwassubmitted,solookagain,”Izzysnapped,notevenbotheringtolookupatme.“Taj.T-A-JBarech.HesubmittedhisapplicationinApril.”
Serena’sinterpreter.
Isatbackonthewindowsilltoherleft,whereIcouldseebothherandanyonecomingforherthroughthedoor.
“Yes,Iknowyouhaveeighteenthousandapplicantsinthepipeline.”Izzywhite-knuckledthereceiverwithastill-ringlesshandandyankedonherhair,draggingitoveroneshouldertogetitoutoftheway.
Thatlittlestripofskinshe’djustrevealedonherneckhadmyinstantattention.
She’dloveditwhenI’dkissedherneck.
WhatthehellhadhappenedbetweenherandDickfacethathe’dflownoffwithouthisfiancée?Ordidthattermnolongerapplytothem?I’dpromisedmyselfIwouldn’task,wouldn’tpryintoshitthatwasn’tmybusiness,butthiswasIzzy.
“AndIunderstandthat,”shecontinued,drummingthefingersofherrighthandontheedgeofthecouch.“Butasdifficultasitisforyoutoprocesstheseasquicklyaspossible,Icanpromiseyouit’sinfinitelymoredifficulttobeaninterpreterwhopubliclyworkedwithUSforcessittinginAfghanistanrightnow,prayingyourvisagetsprocessedintimetoevacuate.”
Damn,shewasbeautifulwhenshewasangry.Iwasjustgladtheangerwasn’tdirectedatme.Yet.
“No,Iwillnotrelax,andI’mnotcallingyoufrommycushyofficeinDC.I’mintheembassyinKabul.”Sheyankedthereceiverawayfromherearandclosedhereyes,breathingindeeply.
“Needmetotakeover?”Ioffered.“I’mthetrainedkillerintheroom,remember?Notthatyou’renotdoinganadmirablejobofslaughteringtheStateDepartment.”
Sheshotmeaglareandputthephonebacktoherhead.“Oh,youfoundit.Good.Canyoutellmewhattheholdupis?BecauseI’mholdinghiscompletedfile.”Hereyesflewwide.“You’remissingwhat?”Shethumbedthroughthefileonthetable.“Hisrecordofmilitaryserviceishere.Twelveyearstranslatingforvariousunits—”Hershouldersfell.
Ipushedoffthewindowsillandmovedtoherside,readingthefileoverhershoulder.
“Hisletterofrecommendation.”Shesighed,searchingthepapersagain.“It’snothereeither.Howhardcanitbetogetoneofthose?”
Mystomachtwisted.Hardenough.
“You’regoingtowanttoputthatcallonspeakerphone,”Isaidsoftly.
“Becauseyouthinkyoucan—”
“Youneedageneraloraflagofficer,”Ireplied.“Knowanyofthose?”
Hermouthsnappedshut,andshepokedthespeakerphonebutton,settingthereceiverdown.
“—anduntilwehavethatletter,ourprocessisatastandstill,Ms.Astor.”Theman’ssuperiortoneliftedmyhackles.“Andwehavethousandsaheadofhimwhohavetheirpaperworkcomplete.Evenifyoucouldgettheletterofrecommendationsubmitted,movinghimtothetopofthelistwouldbeunfair,andgiventheshortageofinterviewappointments—”
“Icanfigureoutthedamnedinterview,”Izzyinterrupted,colorrisinginhercheeks.
“IfIcangetthatletterofrecommendationovertoyouwithinthenextfewhours,canyouprocesshisfileornot?”Iasked.
“I’msorry,butwhoamItalkingto?”themanasked.
“SergeantFirstClassGreen,”Ireplied.“I’mwiththeJointSpecialOperationsCommand.”
Izzy’sgazejumpedtomine.
“Couldyouprocessthefilewithintwenty-fourhoursifyouhadtheletter?”Iasked,foldingmyarmsacrossmychest.
“I’msorry,areyouimplyingyoucanevengetaletterherewithintwenty-fourhours?”Hisvoicedrippedwithsarcasm.“Becausewe’realittleoverwhelmedhereatthemoment,andIdon’thavetimetokeepafileonthebackburnerjustwaitingtoseeifalettermagicallyappears.”
“Icanhaveittoyouwithin—”Icheckedmywatchanddidthetime-differencecalculations.“Twohours.Canyouprocessthefiletointerviewstatusornot?”
“Ifitarrives.”Ifeye-rollingwasverbal,thatwouldhavebeenone.“I’llmakeanoteinthefilethatyou’resendingit.Whatunitdidyousayyouwerewith?”
“Thirty-ThirdLogisticsGroupoutofBragg.”
Izzy’smouthdroppedopen.
“Logistics,huh?”Thesoundoftypingcamethroughthespeaker.
“Yeah,youknowus.We’realwaystheonesgettingshitdone.”
“Right.AndwhocanIexpectthislettertobecomingfrom?”
“Someonewayaboveyourpaygrade,”Ianswered.“Yougethisemail?”IaskedIzzy.
Shenodded.
“Good,thenwe’redonehere.”Ihitthebuttonandendedthecall.
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”IzzyaskedasIclosedBarech’sfileandpickeditup.
“I’mgoingtosolvetheoneproblemIcan.”Icarriedthefiletothedoorandopenedit,findingGraham,Parker,andElstonalreadywaiting.“GetthistoApex,”ItoldElston,referringtoWebb’scallsignasIhandedtheredheadthefile,“andtellhimthatweneedhimtowakeupthegeneralforaletterofrecommend.”
“Willdo.”Hetookthefileanddisappeareddownthehallway.
“SergeantBlack.”Ilookedatourmedic.“IneedthestatusofeverycheckpointbetweenhereandMazar-i-Sharif,andwhichonesaregoingtoletanAmericanphotojournalistthroughwithoutneeding…convincing.”
“Onit.”HenoddedonceandtookoffinthesamedirectionElstonhadtaken.
“SergeantGray,findsomeonewhocangetadependablecellphoneintoSerenaAstor’shands.”Itwasworthatry.
“Yougotit.”Hewenttheoppositedirection,leavingthehallwayemptydespitethemayhemgoingonbelowus.
AwarenessskitteredupmyarmsasIbackedintoIzzy’sroomandshutthedoor
“What’swrong?”Izzyasked,smoothingthelinesofherwrap-styleblouseasshestood.Itwasemeraldgreenandbroughtoutthedepthinhereyes,butIkeptthatobservationtomyself.
“Thisfiveminutes?”Wewereondaynine.Wewereofficiallytiedforthemostconsecutivedayswe’dspenttogether.“Nothing.”
“Andthat’sworrisometoyou.”Shewalkedbarefoottothekitchenetteandpulledtwobottlesofwaterfromthefridge,thenthrewoneatme.Icaughtit.Hadtoadmit,Ikindofloveditthatshealwaysthoughtofme,evenwhenshewaspissedatme.“Icantell,becauseyouhavethatpinchedlookrighthere.”Shetouchedthespotbetweenherbrows.“It’syourtell.”
“Idon’thaveatell.Theybeatitoutofmeyearsago.”Itwistedthetopandtookadrinktokeepmyeyesoffthesightofherthroatworking.Whatwasitaboutherneckthathadmenearlyferal?
“Hmm.”Shesetherbottledownonthecounter.“Well,IguessIknowyoubetterthantheydo.Nowwhat’swrong?Youknow,besidestheobvious.”
“YoumeanthefactthatyouseemtohavechosenKabulasyourplaceofresidenceduringamilitaryoverthrowofthegovernment?”IputmyownbottledownandwalkedintothecenterofthesuitesoIwouldn’tdosomethingstupidlikelifthertothatcounterandkissheruntilsherememberedthatshe’dlovedmeatonetime.
“Yeah.Otherthanthat.”Sheperchedherassonthearmofthesofa.
“Ihaveafeeling.”Ishrugged.
“Oh,we’vemovedontodiscussingfeelings?Lookhowmuchwe’vematured.”Asmirktuggedatherlips.
Theremark,thoughclearlyteasing,hitanerve.“FromwhatIremember,Iwastheonecompletelyopenwithmyfeelingsthelasttimewemet.”
“AndfromwhatIremember,youweretheonewhoaskedmetoignoreourhistorysowecouldbothgetourjobsdonehere.”Shestretchedherlegsoutandcrossedherankles.
“Yeah,well,that’sgettingmoredifficultbythehour,”Iadmitted,refusingtolookatthewayherpantshuggedherhips,herthighs.“We’reinthecalmbeforethestorm,”ItoldherasIcrossedtheroomtolookthroughthewindowsintothecourtyardbelow.Therewasnothingpeacefulorartisticaboutitnow.Ithadbeenturnedintoacorral,anotherwaitingroom,withawindinglineofdesperatepeople.
Iturnedtofaceher,preparingmyselfforthecomingfight.“Thisplaceisabouttoblow,Iz.Youcan’tstay.”
“Idon’tseeyouleaving,”shesaidcasuallyoverhershoulder.
“Wearenotthesame.”
“Wellaware.”Shelookedaway.
“Thesenatorhasgivenpermissionforyoutostayinsofarthatwecanassureyoursafetyandgetyouout.”Imoved,puttingmyselfinherlineofsight.TheglareshegavememademewishIwerewearingmyKevlar.“Iz,it’sgettinguncomfortablyclosetopushingthatlimit.I’veseenthemaps.Bytomorrow,Kabulisgoingtobetheonlyexitpointfromthiscountry.”
Shetookashakybreathandstraightenedhershoulders.“Thenit’sagoodthingwe’realreadyhere,isn’tit?I’mnotleavingwithoutmysister.”
Myjawflexed.“I’mdoingeverythingIcantogetSerenaout,butmyordersareforyou.Andwhenthetimecomes,Iwillputyourassonaplanewhetherornotyoutellmeyou’rereadytoleave.”
“Whatareyougoingtodo,Nate?”Shestood,foldingherarms.“Throwmeoveryourshoulderandcarrymekickingandscreaming?”
Imovedforward,consumingherspace,untilwestoodtoetotoeandshewasforcedtoleanbackinordertokeepglaringatme.“IfIhaveto,yes.YouhavenoideathelengthsIwillgotoinordertokeepyousafe.”
“BecauseI’myourassignment.”Thestatementwasanaccusation.
“Becausethat’sallI’vedonesinceImetyou,Isabeau.”Myhandscurledwiththeneedtotouchher,topullheragainstmeandbeghertoleave.
“She’sallIhave,Nate.”Sheheldhergroundastheairbetweenuschargedjustlikeitalwaysdid.“I’matrophytomyparents,andamemorytoyou,and…”Sherubbedtheemptyfingeronherlefthand.“Serenaistheonlypersoninthisworldwho’sbeenthereformeunconditionally,theonlypersonwho’sneverdesertedme,andI’llbedamnedifIleavehertodie.IfIgo,there’snooneleftherewhocaresabouther.Webothknowwhatwillhappentoher.”
“You’dprefertodiewithher?Becausethat’saveryrealpossibility.Thereareoverfourhundredmilesofhostileterritoryforhertogetthrough,andthat’sifsheagreestoleave.Everyairresourcewehaveiscommitted.Ican’tjustcallheranUberandsendforher,andwecan’twait.Youcan’twait.”
Herlowerliptrembled,andImutteredacurse.
“Ideserveaday,”shefinallysaid.
“Aday?”Irepeated.
“ForalltheyearsIspentwaitingforyou,theleastyoucangivemeisadamneddaytoseeifshe’llleave.Twenty-fourhours.”
Istraightenedandretreatedasteplikeshe’dslappedme.
“I’msorry.”Hereyesflewwide,andshecoveredhermouthwithahand.“Nate,I’msorry.Thatwaswrong.”
“Andifshe’snothereintwenty-fourhours,willyouagreetostopbeingageneralpainintheassandfightingmeaboutleaving?”
“Willyourteambeleavingwithme?”HereyesshiftedintoapleadingexpressionsofamiliarthatIhaddéjàvu.
“YouknowIcan’t.”
Andthereitwas.ThelookI’dalwaysputonherfaceeventually.Disappointmentandmisery.“You’llstaywhilethisplaceimplodes.”
“Careful,Iz.Yousaythatlikeyoucarewhathappenstome.”Iputsomespacebetweenus.
Shefollowedafterme.“Ihavealwayscaredwhathappenedtoyou!”
Exceptwhenshedidn’t.
“That’ssomethingyou’regoingtohavetogetover.”Iforcedashrug.“IfIwasn’there,I’dbeinIraq,oradozenotherplacesyou’dneverevenknowabout.IheardwhatSerenasaid,thatyouwenttoworkforLaurenbecauseshewaspushinglegislationtoendthewar.”Myheartswelledandbrokeatthesametime.“AndI’mnotarrogantenoughtothinkthathadanythingtodowithme,butjustincaseitdid,justincaseyou’relivingyourlifechasingthatgoal,thenIzzy,youhavetostopEvenyouaren’tpowerfulenoughtoendeverywar.Therewillalwaysbeaneedforguyslikemetodothethingsthatmakeitpossibleforyoutosleepatnight.”
Evenifshewassleepingnexttoamanwhodidn’tdeserveasinglehaironherhead.
“Youdeservealife.”Shetuckedherhairbehindherearsandlookedatmelikethelastthreeyearshadn’thappened.Likewewerestillfightingforweekendsandeverychancetoseeeachother,denyingthatwewereinarelationshipwhenwe’dbothknownwewere.
“Ihavealife.”Oneshewantednopartof.
“Areallife,Nate.”Shemovedforward,liftingherhandandthenrestingitlightlyabovemyheart.“Ahome.Afuturewith…”Shebitintoherlowerlipandthensighed.“Withwhomeveryouchoose.”
Thewallsofmydefensescracked,andpaincamefloodingthrough,drowningmyself-madepromisestokeepmydistanceandmymouthshutwhenitcametoherlovelife.
“AndisthatwhatyouhavewithCovington?Afuture?Ahome?BecauseIfailtoseetheallure.”
Somuchforprofessionalism.
“Theallure?”Shejerkedherhandaway.“Hewasthere.”CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR
IZZY
NewYork
October2018
TheonethingnooneeverbotheredtotellmeaboutNewYorkwasthatI’dneverbeabletoaffordanythingbiggerthanashoeboxinManhattanonanassociate’spay.OrmaybeeveryoneassumedI’dpermanentlyliveoffMomandDad.
InBrooklyn,however,Icouldmanageasmallone-bedroomapartmentonmyown.Itwasasecond-storywalk-upinDumbowithanactualcloset,andthebestpartwasthescentoffreedom.Freedomfrommyparents’expectationsandtheirconstantbadgeringthatIusemylawdegreetodowhatIcouldtofurthertheirbusiness.
“IcanactuallyseethewaterfromhereifIstandonthecouch!”Serenasaidfromherprecariousperchonthearmofthesofa.She’dbeenhereallofanhourandwasalreadyclimbingupthewalls.Mysisterhadneverbeengoodatsittingstill.
“I’dbecarefulifIwereyou.That’snotthesturdiestpieceoffurniture.”Ithrewmysuitjacketoveradiningroomchairandwentbacktoorganizingthegroceryorderthathadjustbeendelivered.
“Areyoutellingmeyouputittogetherwithabutterknife?”sheasked,jumpingtothehardwoodfloor.
“Hardly.”Acornerofmymouthlifted.“Nateputittogetherwhenhecametovisitabout…”Ididthementalmath.“Eightmonthsago.”
“Andyoudon’ttrusthisconstructionabilities?”ShewedgedherselfbetweenmybodyandtheoppositecounterintheU-shapedkitchenandgrabbedthecoffeecreamer,thenputitintotherefrigerator.
“Ido.ButIalsoknowwhatthatthinglookedlikecomingoutofthebox.”Iroseonmybaretoesandputtheboxedstuffonthehighestshelf.
“Eightmonthsseemslikeaprettylongtime,”Serenasaid,leaningbackagainstthecounter.“Haveyouseenhimsincethen?”
“Nope.”Mychestclampeddownlikeavise.“He’sbeengonemorethanhe’sbeenhome,accordingtohistextsandletters.”Iputthefruitsandvegetablesaway.“Ifhe’snotatsometrainingorschool,he’s…”IshruggedbecauseIhonestlyhadnoclue.
“IsthatnormalforSpecialForces,orwhateverhe’sdoing?”
“HowwouldIknow?”Ihandedheraboxofcoffee.“Behindyou.”Truthwas,I’dbarelyheardfromhiminthepastsevenmonths,andwhatIhadheardhadbeenvagueandshort.
Sheleanedsidewaysandputthecoffeeawaywithoutgettingoffthecounter.“Butyou’veheardfromhim,right?”
“Yeah.”Ifinishedthelastoftheorderandleanedbackagainstthecounter.“Imean,notinthelastmonth,buthetoldmethathewasgoingtobebusy.”Therewassomekindoftesthewastaking,buthehadn’tgoneintodetail,whichmeantIwasn’tsupposedtomentionit.
“Busy?”SerenacockedaneyebrowasTybee,mysix-month-oldMainecoonkitten,jumpedontothecounter.
“You’renotsupposedtobeuphere,areyou?”Iaskedhim,scratchingunderhischinbeforeIsethimbackonthefloor.Notthathe’dlisten.Tybeehadtaughtmethatcatsdidwhateverthehelltheywantedwheneverthehelltheywantedto.Ienviedthemtheirgive-no-fucksattitude.Ishrugged.“Hetextedandsaidhewouldn’tbeabletotalkthismonth,buthe’dmeetmeatO’Hare.”
Serenablinked.“Soyou’rejustgoingtoflyofftoPalautomorrowandhopehemeetsyouatO’Hare?”
“Itworkedlasttime.”Ishruggedagain.Itwasn’tlikeIneededtoworry.Natewasoneoftheonlypeopleinmylifewhoalwaysdidwhattheysaidtheyweregoingtodo.“NonewsisgoodnewswithNate.Ifsomethinghadgoneawry,hewouldhavetoldme.WeplannedoutourtripsforthenextfouryearswhilehewashereoverValentine’sDay.Wecouldn’tbuyourticketsorbookmostoftheresorts,soNatehiredatravelagentanddumpedmoremoneythanIcaretoeventhinkaboutsothey’dmakethearrangementswhenthedatesbecameavailable.”Ithadbeenoverwhelmingly,sweetlyromantic,andyethadtoldmehewasstillplanningonthisbeingthewaywelivedforthenextfouryears.He’dgonesofarastotellmethateventhewivesweren’tgettingmuchfacetime.Hell,Iwasn’tevenagirlfriend.“Assumingwedon’thavetomovedatesfordeployments,whichhesaidweundoubtablywould.I’lljusthavetocrossmyfingersandprayIcangettimeoffwhenhehasleave.”
Hereyesnarrowed.“Anditdoesn’tbotheryouthatyoudon’tknowwhereheishalfthetimeorwhathe’sdoing?”
“Ofcourseitdoes.”Iliftedmyshouldersandletthemfall.“ButIdon’texactlyhavetherighttoknow.”
“Whatifsomething…”Shestruggledwithherwords.“Happenedtohim?”
“Thenhopefullysomeone—probablyoneofhisfriends—wouldtellme.”
Herheadtiltedtothesideasshestudiedme.“Hecouldhaveanentirefamily,awifeandkids,downthereinNorthCarolinaandyouwouldn’tknow.”Shepointedherfingeratme.“Anddon’tyoudareshrugatmeagain.”
Ilockedmyposture.“Hedoesn’t.Imightnotknowwherehe’ssent,buthe’salwayshonestwithmewhenhe’sdatingsomeone,thesameasIamwithhim.”
“Andhowlonghasitbeensinceyou’vedatedsomeone?”
“Twomonths.”Hughhadbeenamassivemistake,anattempttofillthevoid,anattempttoseeifIcouldlivewithoutNate.Ipushedoffthecounterandwalkedoutofthekitchenandintothediningroom,connectedtothelivingroom.“AndIthoughtyouweretakingthisweekasvacation?StopinterviewingmelikeI’myourlateststory.”
“I’mnot!”Shehoppedoffthecounterandfollowedmeintothebedroom.“Ijustworryaboutyou.”
Thatmadetwoofus,butIcouldn’tsaythattoher.Iwalkedintomyclosetandstrippedofftheremainsofmysuit,optingfordrawstringpajamapantsandthehoodieNatehadgivenmeforChristmaswithsomelogothatrepresentedhisunit.“ThankyoufortakingtheweektowatchTybee,bytheway.”
“Noproblem.Ilegitimatelyhadnothingbettertodo.”
Icameouttofindherlyingacrosstheexpanseofmybed,staringupattheceiling.“Youdon’thavetopatronizeme.Iknowhowhardyou’reworkingatthatnewpaper.”
“Apparentlynothardenough.”Shesighed.
Ilaydownnexttoher.“Spill.”
“Ididn’tgettheassignmentIwanted.They’resendingamoreseniorphotojournalist.”Hervoiceliftedinanimitationofherboss.“Butnottoworry,IcankeepcoveringtheHilluntilmytimecomes.”
“I’msorry.”Ikeptmyeyesonthebladesoftheceilingfanaboveussoshewouldn’tseethelieinmyeyes.ThatcountryhadadeathgriponthemanIloved,andIwasn’texactlychompingatthebitforittogetitshandsonmysistertoo.“Iknowhowbadlyyouwantedtogo.”
“Ijustwanttocoversomethingmeaningful.”Shelacedherfingersoverherribcage.
“Afghanistanisn’ttheonlyplacetodothat,”Isaidsoftly.“I’msurelotsofmeaningfulthingshappenontheHill.It’stheseatofourgovernment.”ItwasallIcouldthinktosay,andIknewitfellshortofwhatsheneeded.
“You’dbeamazedathowmuchthereisn’t.”Sheturnedherheadtowardme.“SenatorLauren’sbillfailedagain.Itdidn’tevengetoutofcommittee.”
Mybrowfurrowed.“Remindmewhichonethatis?”
“TheonetryingtosetawithdrawaldatefromAfghanistan.”
“Oh.”Iliftedmyhandtocovermyheart,likeIcouldsomehowrubtheacheoutofit.“That’sashame.”
“Speakingofshame.”Sherolledtofaceme,bracingherheadonherhand.“HowareMomandDadhandlingyourchoiceofcorporatelaw?”
“Hey!”Irolledmyeyes.“Ispendatleasthalfmydayhandlingthecontractsforthenonprofits—”
“ThattherichestcompaniesinNewYorkhavefortaxpurposes?”Shelaughed,thenpressedherlipsbetweenherteethwhenshecaughtmyglare.“Okay,okay.”
“It’sonlyforacoupleyears.JustlongenoughtopaybackMomandDadforlawschool.”
“Becauseyou’refeelingguiltythatyougrewupprivileged?”Shecockedaneyebrowatme.
“BecauseIcan’ttaketheconstantguilttripsaboutnotworkinginthebestinterestofthefamily,”Iansweredhonestly.
“Youknow,Isa,”shesaid,slippingintoherimpressionofourfather,andIgrinned.“Youcoulddosomuchgoodforthefamilyifyou’dsimplydevoteyourentirelifetomakingitlegalforustopaylesstaxes.”
“Somethinglikethat,”Ilaughed.“Ijustcan’ttakeitanymore.”
“Igetthat.I’mbarelycoveringthatapartmentinDCnowthatyou’regone,butIrefusetogotothemformoney.”Shewiggledherfingertowardmynose.“YoucouldalwaysmovebacktoDCjustforme,youknow.ForgetMomandDad.Therearetonsofcorporatejobsthere.Youdon’thavetotakethepoliticalones.Yourroomissolonelywithoutyou.”
Iscoffed.“Thengetaroommate.”
“Validpoint.”Sheglancedpastme.“Anychancethatyourinabilitytoseearelationshipthroughhastodowiththefactthatyoukeepthatpictureonyournightstand?”
Ididn’tneedtolooktoknowitwasthepictureofNatekissingmycheekinFiji.“IthinkithastodowiththefactthatIprettymuchkeephimonthenightstand.”
Sheslowlybroughthergazebacktomine.“Iknowthatwhatyoutwoshareis…undefinable,butIzzy,howlongcanitgoonlikethis?Youhereandhim…everywhere?”
Aboulderlodgeditselfinmythroat.“Natehashisreasons.”ThatnightinFijihadscaredhimmorethanithadme,justnotenoughforhimtogotalktosomeoneaboutit.“Anditdoesn’tmatterthatIdon’tagreewiththem.Hewon’tletmechoosebetweenmycareerandhim.Ican’tforcehimtochoosebetweenmeandhiscareereither.Idon’tknowhowtolethimgo,Serena.”
Shebrushedmyhairback.“Iknow.Ijusthatetowatchyoulivingyourlifelikeafirst-timedriverwithastickshift,joltingforwardandstallingoverandoveragain.”
“Ilovehim.”Therewasnootherwaytoexplainmyactions.
“Yeah.”Sheofferedmeasadsmile.“Butdoeshefeelthesamewayaboutyou?”
Weightsettledinmystomach,immovableandnauseating.“Idon’tknow.ButI’mdeterminednottocomebackfromPalauuntilIknowtheanswer.I’mdonebeingthepersonwiththemosttolosehere.”
Natewouldn’tletmedown.Iknewthatintheverydepthsofmysoul.Ijusthadtomakeitclearthatthetimeforourshotwasnow
Thenextday,mystomachtwistedintoknotswhenmygroupwascalledtoboardatChicagoO’Hare.WasthishowNatefeltwhenmyflighthadbeendelayedonourwaytoFiji?
GuiltsaggedmyshouldersasIstood,liftingmybagtomyshoulder.Ishouldhavefoundtimetotexthimonthattrip,toputhimoutofhismisery.
Guessthiswaspayback.
IlookedaroundattheotherpassengersasImovedintotheboardingline,hopingthatoneheadwouldstandabovetheothers,thatapairofcrystal-blueeyeswouldalreadybelookingmyway.Hewasn’thereyet.
Buthewouldbe.Natehadneverletmedowninmylife.Hadhecanceledplansonmebecausehewasgoingtobespendinghisweekend“cleaningthepool”—hisfavoritephrasefortellingmehewasdeployingoverthephone?Sure.Absolutely.Buthehadnevernotcalled.
Icheckedmyphoneasthelinemovedforward,thenopenedtheflightappformyboardingpass.ThedeskattendantremindedeveryoneatthegatethattheflightwassoldoutasIscannedmyticketandboardedtheflight.
ShakingmyheadthatNatehadgoneoverboardwiththefirst-classtickets,Islidintomyseat,keepingmybagbetweenmyfeet.I’dbroughtfournewnovels,completewithhighlightsforhim,anddidn’twanttohavetohaulthebagbackouttogivehimhispickwhenhegothere.
“CanIgetyouanythingbeforetakeoff?”theflightattendantaskedwithapolitesmile.
“No,thankyou.Doyouknowifeveryonehascheckedinforfirstclass?Ihaven’tseenmytravelcompanion.”
“Idon’t,I’msorry.”Heglancedattheemptyseat.“Don’tworry.Westillhaveaboutfortyminutesbeforeweclosethedoors.Ittakesawhiletogeteveryoneseatedonaplanethisbig.”
“Thankyou.”Isatbackashemovedontothenextseats,andIkickedmyselfintheheartforwhatI’dobviouslyputNatethroughonourwaytoFiji.Ipulledmyphonefrommypurseandtypedoutatext.
Izzy:Thisseatnexttomelooksawfullyempty.
Ihitsendandthenwatchedthescreenforthethreescrollingdotsthatwouldtellmehewasreplying,butnoneappeared.Afteropeningtheairline’sapp,Isearchedfortheflightourpaperworktoldmehewason.
Itlandedfiveminutesago.
Thatexplainedit.Heprobablyhadn’tswitchedhisphoneoffairplanemodewhilesprintingfromagateontheoppositesideoftheairport.He’dbetterberunning.Myheartjumped,mypulseacceleratingatthethoughtofseeinghiminjustafewminutes.
Butthoseminutestickedby.
Theflightattendantgavemeasympatheticlookwhenheaskedifhecouldhelpstowmycarry-onfortakeoff.
Ibuckledin,thenshamelesslyleanedintotheaisle,lookingabovetheseat’spartitionstowatchthedoorI’dboardedthrough.Mystomachsankwhentheattendantmovedtowardthedoor,andInearlyfumbledmyphone,dialingNate’snumber.
Itdidn’tevenringbeforeitsentmetovoicemail,whichmeantitwasoff.“Nate,Ithinkthey’reclosingthedoors,andI’mreallyworried.Itlookslikeyourflightwasdelayed,andIdon’tevenknowifIcangetoffatthispoint,soIguessI’llcatchuptoyouatthenextlayoverinHawaii?Ican’twaittoseeyou.”Ihungup.
Hemissedtheflight.
Hemissedthenextonetoo.
Blearyeyed,Icheckedintotheresortthenextday.“IsabeauAstor,butitmightbeunder—”
“Ihaveyouhere,”theconciergerepliedwithasmilethatIwastooexhaustedtoreturnfullheartedly.“We’llseeyoutoyourbungalow.”
“CanyoutellmeifNathanielPhelanhascheckedin?”
“You’rethefirst,ma’am.”
Inoddedinthanksandfollowedthebellhop,mystepsroboticandmyheartgrowingheavierbythehour.
“Hereyouare.”Thebellhopopenedthebungalowandsetmyluggageinside.“Isthereanythingwecanhelpyouwith?”
NotunlesshecouldtellmewherethehellNatewas.
“No,thankyou.”Itippedhim,andthenIwasalonewithmyjetlagandworriedheart.Isatontheking-sizebed,theonethatNatewassupposedtobeinwithme,andtookoutmyphone,cursingthatIhadn’tpaidforinternationalservicebecauseI’dwantedtobeleftcompletelyalonewithNate.
ButIhadWi-Fi.Icheckedmyemail,thenmysocialmediaaccounts,buttherewasnothingfromNate.
ThenIcheckedhis.Thelastposthadbeenfromfiveweeksago,whenhe,Torres,andRowellwentfishing.TheybothhadJfirstnames,butIcouldn’trememberwhichonewasJustinandwhichwasJuliansinceNatemostlyreferredtothembylastname.I’dnevermetthemanwiththesmilingbrowneyes,orthetallsmirkingblond,andtheirpageswereprivate,justlikeNate’s.They’dbothenteredSpecialForceswithNate,butthefourthfriendhe’dmentionedwasneverpicturedanymore.Natehadcalledmeafterhe’dgottenbackfromthatfishingtrip,thendisappearedyetagain.
Ilookedaroundthesumptuousbungalow.Evenleavingmyfeelingsoutoftheequation,thisplacemusthavecosthimafortune.Therewasnowayhewasn’tcoming.Natehadalwaysshownupforme.Always.
Butdoubtcreptin.Wehadn’tbeenspeakingasfrequentlytheselasteightmonths.I’dbeenconsumedwiththehoursanewassociatehadtoputin,andhe’dbeenoffdoingwhateveritwashedid.
Lyingbackonthebed,Ifoughtoffexhaustionwitheveryblinkofmyeyes,scaredI’dmissthemomentheburstthroughthedoorandkissedme.
WhenIopenedmyeyes,itwaslightout,butthesunshonefromadifferentdirection.
Iscrambledfromthebed,mybodystifffromsleepinginmyclothesforwhathadobviouslybeenaboutelevenhours.“Nate?”Icalledout,searchingthebathroomfirst.
Ifhe’dgotteninandfoundmesleeping,hewouldn’thavewokenme.Hewasannoyinglyselflessthatway.
Thebathroomwasempty,soIunlockedtheslidingglassdoorandsteppedoutontothedeck.“Nate?”Myvoicewasswallowedbythesoundofwindandwaves.
Wait.Thedoorwaslocked.Hehadn’tunlockedit.Dreadskitteredlikeicealongmyspine,andIwentbackintotheroom,pickedupthephoneonmynightstand,anddialedforthefrontdesk.“Hi,canyoupleasetellmeifNathanielPhelancheckedin?”Iasked.
“Onemoment.”Iheardthesoundofclickingkeys.“No,I’msorry,ma’am.”
Mystomachhitthefloor.
“Thankyou,”Iwhispered,thenputthephonebackonthereceiver.
Natewasn’there.
Iswipedopenmyphoneandtextedtherequiredphrasestoacceptthefeesforinternationalservice,buttheonlytextwasfromSerena,wishingmeahappytrip.
Thiswas…impossible.IhitNate’sbuttoninmycontacts,anditrangtwiceagain.Yesterday—orhaditbeenthedaybefore—I’dbeencertainthatmeantitwasoff,butwhatifhesentmetovoicemail?
“ThisisNate.Leaveamessage.”Socurtandtothepoint,justlikehewas.
“Idon’tknowwhattodo,”Isaidafterthebeep.“I’mhere,butyouaren’t.Youhaven’ttexted,orcalled,andI’mstartingtofreakoutthatmaybesomethinghashappenedtoyou,becauseIknowyouwouldn’tstandmeuplikethis.Just…”Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“Justcallme,Nate.Evenifsomethinghascomeup,pleasetellmeyou’reokay.”
Iendedthecall.
Iatealonethatnight,holdingouthopethathe’dbeenheldupandwouldwalkinatanysecond.
Thenextmorning,Isatonthesun-warmeddeck,myfeetdanglingovertheedgeasIclutchedmyphonelikethelifelineitwas.
Painfilledthespacebetweenheartbeats.Iknewthisfeeling.IthadconsumedmeeverytimeIlookedformyparentsinthestandsatswimmeets,onlytofindemptyseats.IthadevisceratedmewhenJeremychosetowife-shopatYaleovermovingtoGeorgetownwithmeafterI’dchangedeverythingaboutmylifeforhim.Ithadracedthroughmyveinslikeice,numbingmewhenMomandDadchosetokeepcruisinginsteadofcominghomeaftertheplanecrash.I’dbeeninthispositiontoomanytimestocount—leftwaitingforsomeoneIloved,onlytorealizeIwasnevertheirpriority.
Ifoughtit,myachingheartpromisingmycynicalheadthatNatewouldn’tdothis,butasthehourspassed,thetruthsankin.
Hewasn’tcoming.
IbitthebulletandcalledSerena.
“Whatareyoudoingcallingmeonyourlovey-doveyvacation?”sheasked.“Tybeesayshello,bytheway.”
“He’snothere.”MyvoicecameoutjustasflatasIfelt.
“Nate?”
“He’snothere,”Irepeated,forcingmyselfthroughthewords.“Hasanyonecomeby?Anyone…inuniform?”Mytonguetrippedoverthewords.ItwastheonlyotherexplanationIcouldthinkof.
“No,Izzy.Noone’sbeenhere,”shesaid,hervoicesoftening.“Areyouokay?”
“No.”MyeyeswateredandmynosestungasIblinkedbackthetorrentoftears.“Maybehe’sdeployed?ButImean,he’salwaysslippedmesomecodedwarninginatextoracall.AndIdon’tknowanyofhisfriends.Ican’tthinkofasinglepersonIcouldcallandask.”Iknewsolittleabouthisactuallifethatitwasembarrassing.Serenawasright.HecouldhaveanentirefamilythatIknewnothingabout.He’dkeptmeonthefringesofhislife,neverlettingmein.
ButnoonehadbattedaneyewhenI’dstoodathissideatthefuneral.
Anewgirlfriendmaybe?Anew…wife?
“Oh,honey.I’msosorry.”
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?Stayingmakesmefoolish,andleavingmeans…”Icouldn’tbringmyselftosayitoutloud.
“Comehomeorstayandsoakupwhatsunshineyoucan.”Sosensible.SoSerena.
“Idon’twanttobeherewithouthim.”
“Thenyouhaveyouranswer.”
Istartedcryinganddidn’tstop.IworriedtheresortstaffasIcheckedout,andthenfrightenedtheattendantswhenthetearskeptcomingontheflightsI’dchanged.ThetearscameandcameandcameasIcrossedtimezones,datelines,andwhatfeltlikeyears.Peoplestaredandofferedtissues,whichonlymademecryharder.
Myeyeswerenearlyswollenshut,hotandscratchy,bythetimeIwalkedintomyapartment,andwhenIsawSerena,thewaterworksstartedagain.ItwaslikeIhadanunendingsupplyoftears.
Sheheldmetightandrockedmelikewewerelittleagain.“It’sokay,”shewhisperedasIsobbedonhershoulder.
“Ihavetolethimgo,don’tI?”Thewordswerestutteredandbroken.“Itdoesn’tmatterifhediditonaccidentoronpurpose—Ican’tkeeplivinglikethis,Serena.Ihavetolethimgo.”
“I’msosorry.”Herarmstightenedaroundme.
NateandIhadwaitedsolongtotakeourshotthatwe’dmissedit.CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
Howdarehe.
Hedidn’tseetheallureofmarryingsomeonewhowasatleastpresent?
“Andtherehasbecomethebaselineforyourstandards?”ThebewildermentonNate’sfacewasalmostlaughable.
“You’rekiddingme,right?”ItwasadamngoodthingIdidn’thaveanythinginmyhandsorImighthavethrownitathim.“Iwonderwhosetthatbaseline?”Icockedmyheadtotheside.“Ifyouthinkmystandardofshowingupislow,thenyouonlyhavetolookinthemirrortoseewhythatis.Outofeveryoneinmylife,youweretheonepersonItrustedtoshowupwhenneeded,andyouvanished.”
Heputuphishandsandbackedawayslowly.“IthinkIshouldleavebeforewegetintoshitwehavenobusinessdraggingup.”
Thatextraordinarytalenthehadforcompartmentalization,forremainingcalmandcoolwhenIwasreadytothrowdown,wastheonethingIbothenviedandloathedabouthim.
“‘Draggingup’?”Ishookmyhead.“It’shardtodragsomethingupthatnevergotburied.”EmotionsIcouldn’thandlewelledupwiththeforceofatidalwave,devouringeveryshredofself-controlI’dclungtoinoneall-consumingwaveofloveandgriefandeverythingthathadbeenlefttodiebetweenus.“Andyoulosttherighttoknowanythingaboutmylovelifeyearsago.”
“Youdon’tthinkIknowthat?”Heturnedawayfrommeandwalkedtothewaterhe’dleftonthecounter,thenslammedbackthewholethinglikeitwasabottleofvodka.Hecrusheditinhisfistbeforeturningbacktome,hiscustomarycomposureslipping.“Youthinkitdidn’tkillmenottoaskwhoyou’dactuallydeemedworthyofmarryingyouthesecondIsawthathunkoficeonyourhand?”
“Well,itdoesn’tmatteranymore,doesit?”Iliftedmylefthand,showingitsobviousbarestate.“He’snotmyfiancéanymore.Doesthatmakeyouhappy?”
“Thebetterquestionisifitmakesyouhappy.”Hewasn’tevenshockedthattheringwasgone.Ofcoursehe’dnoticedatsomepoint.Natenoticedeverything.Buthehadn’taskedwhy.Becausehedidn’twanttoknow?Orbecausehedidn’tthinkhehadarightto?
Iopenedmymouthandshutitagain.“It’scomplicated.”
“Wouldyouliketoelaborate?”Heleanedagainsttheendofthecounter,takingupmorespacethanheshouldhave.EverythingaboutNatestillfeltlargerthanlife,andthoughIthoughtI’dgrownaccustomedtoseeinghimintheirversionofanunmarkedcombatuniform,Ireallyhadn’t.
Hewasinconvenientlybreathtakingandinfuriatingatthesametime.
“Notreally.”Idroppedmyhand.
“Okay.”Hestaredatmeinthatquiet,patientwayhehad,whichonlygotmyireup.
“Stopdoingthat.”
“Stopdoingwhat?”Hescratchedthescruffofhisbeard.“StopdoingeverythingIcantokeepyoualive?Stoppullingstringstogetyoursister’sinterpreter’spaperspushed?Stopputtingmybodybetweenyouandwhatever’stryingtokillyouatthemoment?Ordidyouwantmetostopputtingyourneedsabovecommonsense?You’regoingtohavetobemorespecific.”
“That,”Isputtered,pointingathisface.“Stoplookingatmelikethat.”
“I’mcapableofalotofthings,butunfortunatelyformyownsanity,Iseemtobeincapableofnotlookingatyou.”Heshrugged.“Whetherornotyouwanttotellmewhyyou’renolongermarryingDickfacehasnothingtodowithmyinabilitytoignoreyou.”
“Hecheatedonme,okay?”Ugh.Thatwasnotsupposedtocomeout.
Nate’sbodytensed,buthedidn’tspeak.
“Didyouhearme?”Ishookmyheadandfoughttogetagrip.Iwassupposedtobehelpingwiththosefilesonthecoffeetable,notspendingprecioustimefightingwithNate.
“Oh,Iheardyou.”Nate’svoicedropped.“I’mjusttryingtomakethatstatementcompute.”
“Whatistheretocompute?”Ituggedmyhairbackbehindmyears.Pullingitupwouldhavebeenamuchmoresensibleoptiontoday.“Hethoughtitwasperfectlyacceptabletohaveanopenrelationship.Iwasn’tenoughforhim.”
“Thenhe’safuckingfool.”HesaiditwithsomuchconvictionthatIalmostbelievedhim.
Myheartstuttered.“Don’tsaythingslikethat.Youdon’tknow…”Heatrushedtomyface.
“Iknow.”Thewayhisgazeheatedmademybreathcatch.“Andifyouweren’tenoughforhim,thenhe’sgoingtospendhislifetotallyandcompletelymiserable,becausethere’snooneinthisworldwhomeasuresuptoyou.Ifhecheated,thenmyguesswouldbethatitwasn’tbecauseyouweren’tenough—itwasbecausehewasn’t.”
Icoveredmyflutteringstomachwithahand.Whyhadn’tIeverfeltthiswaywithJeremy?Whywasallmydesire,mydriving,insatiableneed,reservedforNate?NotthatsexwithJeremyhadn’tbeengood.Ithad.Buthedidn’tmaketherestoftheworlddisappearwithasingletouch,orbrandmysoulwithakiss.
IonlyfeltthatwaywithNate.Hadn’tthatalwaysbeentheproblem?
Anirrationallaughbubbledupthroughmylips.“Andyethewasjustmytype,wasn’the?”
“Idon’tfollow.”
“Unavailableineverywaythatmattered.”Ishrugged,strokingmythumbovermynakedfingerandrevelinginthelightnessthere.“Ididn’tevenrealizejusthowheavythatobnoxiousringwasuntilIgaveitback.Howmucheverythingaboutitweighedmedown.”
Hetookadeepbreathandpushedoffthecounter,walkingpastmetowardthedoor.“Weshouldbothgetbacktowork.”
“Youknowitwasn’ttheinfidelitythatmademebreakitoffwithhim.”
Hejerkedtoastop.
“Imean,ifwe’regoingtogetitalloutintheopen,thenlet’sgetitout,”Isaidtohisback.
“Youdon’twanttogotherewithme.”
“Ido.”
Slowly,heturnedtofaceme,andmypulseleapt.Itwasn’tSergeantGreenstaringbackatme.No,thewarraginginhiseyesbelongedtomyNate.TheNateI’dhadatGeorgetown,inIllinois,inTybee.
“Itwasn’ttheinfidelity,”Irepeated,myvoicesoftening.“IknewaboutitforsixweeksbeforeItookNewcastle’splace,andIdidn’tdoadamnthing.IsmiledforthecamerasathiscampaignralliesandIkickedhimoutofmybed,butIdidn’tbreakitoff.AskmewhyIbrokeitoff,Nate.”
Heshookhishead.
“Askme.”
“Why?”Thewordcameoutstrangled.
“BecauseIdidn’tlovehiminthewayIknowI’mcapableof.”Iswallowedasmyheartthunderedinmyears.“IknewitthesecondIsawyouagain.”
Hisjawflexedandhisshouldersroseashestruggledtomaintainhistemper,butIdidn’tretreat.Natewouldneverhurtme,andwe’dputthisoffforninedaystoolong.
“Sayit.”Imovedtowardhim,andhebackedaway,keepingthedistancebetweenusashewalkedintothekitchenette.“Whateveryou’rethinking,justsayit.”Hadn’thedemandedthesamethatfirstnightattheembassy?
“Ifyouknewthatyoudidn’tlovehimenough,thenwhydidyousayyesinthefirstplace?”Histonerose,borderingonashoutashislegendaryself-controlfinallyslipped.“Youknowwhat?No.ForgetIasked.Idon’twanttoknowwhy.God!”Hishandsslammeddownonthecounter,andhehunghishead.“Threefuckingyears,andwe’rerightbackhere.”
“Ineverlefthere!”MychestsqueezeddownlikeaviseasItappedabovemyheart.“I’mstuck,Nate.I’meternallytwenty-fiveyearsold,frozeninplace,intime,standinginthathallway,waitingforyoutocomeback.”
“That’sbullshitandwebothknowit.”Heliftedhishead,andthepainIsawetchedintoeverylineofhisfacesomehowcompoundedwiththeagonyIfelt.“Youneverwantedus.Notreally.Notwhenpushcametoshove.YoumayhavebeentheonearguingforustotakeourshotbackinFiji,butwhenIpulledthetrigger,youdidn’t.Fucking.Want.Me.”Hurtdrippedfromeveryword.
“That’snotwhathappenedinNewYork.Howcanyouevensaythat?”Mymouthhungopeninshock.
“HowcanIsaythat?”Heyankedtheknifeoutofthesheathathisthighwithonehandandpulledhisnecklacefromunderhisshirtwiththeother,revealingthetapedsilvertag.Heglanceddownashemadeacleanslicethroughthetape,andthensheathedtheknifebeforepryingsomethingfrombeneaththetape.“ThisishowIcansaythat.”Aclicksoundedashesetsomethingonthecounterbetweenus.
Heshovedtheremainsofthetagbeneathhisshirtandwithdrewhishandfromthecounter.
Revealingadiamondring.
Thediamondring.
OhGod.Icouldn’tbreathe.Therewasn’tenoughairintheworldtofillmylungs,tooxygenatethebloodthatmyheartrefusedtopump.
“I’mtheonewhocarriedyouwithmeeverygoddamnedday.”CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
NATHANIEL
NewYork
October2018
IbarelyfelttherainasIwalkeddownthesidewalkoftheBrooklynneighborhoodknownasDumbo,myfistclenchingthemostimportantboxI’devercarried
OrmaybethathadbeentheoneI’dcarriedearlierthismorning.
Wasitthismorning?Thedayshadbeenaseamlessblur.Itwasevening,andI’ddrivenallafternoon,soIwasprettysureitwasthesameday.
Islippedthroughthecrowd,mystridesquickeninglikeaNewYorker’s,blendinginlikeI’dbeentrainedtoforthelastyear.Finallyfindingtherightbuilding,Icaughtthedoorasoneoftheresidentswasleavingandheadedinside,avoidingthebuzzer.
Godonlyknewifshe’dletmein.
Iclimbedthestairs,myfingersflexingaroundthebox.NomatterwhatIdid,Icouldn’tgetmymindtostopspinning,stopreplayingthewaythingsshouldhavegone,stopforecastingeverywaythesenextfewminutescouldgo.
She’dknowwhattodo.Shewastheonlypersoninthisworldwholovedmeunconditionally,theonlypersonI’dbeenabletocountonsinceMomdied.She’dknowwhichpathweshouldchoose.
2214.Herapartment.
Ipushedthedoorbellandbouncedbackonmyheels.Whenshedidn’timmediatelyappear,Istartedpacing.IfIstoppedmoving,Iwasn’tsureI’dstartagain.
Therewasnogravity.Nothingkeepingmyfeetanchored.Myrealitywaseverypossibilityandnoneallatthesametime,andwhicheverpathI’dtakedependedsolelyonwhatshesaid,whatshechose.
Thesoundofslidingdeadboltsmademepauseinfrontofherdoor.
Thedooropened,revealinganoldermanwithgelledsalt-and-pepperhairandathree-piece-suitthatlookedlikeitcostmorethanayear’srent.Hiscriticalgazesweptovermeonce,andhisdarkeyeshardenedwithrecognition.Izzy’seyes.I’dseenthepicturesinherapartment—thiswasherdad.“CanIhelpyou?”
“I’mlookingfor—”
“Oh,I’mwellawareofwhoyou’relookingfor.I’maskingwhatIcandoforyou,”hesneered.“Becauseyou’renotgoingtoseeIsa.She’skeptthis”—hegesturedatme—“arrangementyoutwohavefortoomanyyearsasitis,andyes,beforeyouask,yes,Irecognizeyou.Doyouhaveanyideahowbadyouareforher?”
Myhandgrippedtheboxtighter.Icouldn’tlosemytemperonIzzy’sdad.Ihadtoholdmyshittogether,evenwhenitfeltliketheworldwasspinningbeneathmeatarateIcouldn’tkeepupwith.
“It’sgoingtocostthousandstobreakherleasehereandfinallygethertowhereherfamilyneedsher.”HesomehowmanagedtolookdownonmeevenwhenIwasagoodfourinchestaller.“Afamilyshefinallyseescan’tincludeyou.”
“Dad?”Izzy’svoicefromwithintheapartmenthaltedanyreplyIcouldhavemade.“Whoisit?”
“I’vegotit,Isa.Nothingworthyourworry.”Hesaideverywordatme.“Youaren’t,youknow,”hesaidsofter.“Allyou’veeverdoneiswastehertime.”
“Dad,whoareyou—”Herwordsfalteredassheappearedathisside,dressedinplaidpajamapantsandanoversizehoodie,andlookedatmelikeIwastheabsolutescumoftheearth.Herbeautifuleyesweresopuffytheydidn’tevenqualifyasswollenanymore,andguiltseizedmyheart.IsuspectedIwasthereasonshe’dbeencrying.
“Gobackinside,Isa.”
“Giveusfiveminutes,”shereplied,lookingupathim.
Hisexpressionsoftenedslightly.“Fiveminutes.Butdon’tforgetourdeal.”Heshotmeawitheringglanceanddisappearedintotheapartment,leavingIzzyinthedoorway.
“Goodtoknowyou’reali—”Therestofthewordseemedtodieonhertongueasshelookedmeover,steppingintothehallwayandpullingherdoorshutbehindher.“Nate?”Shesaidmynamelikeshewasn’tsureIwasreallyme,whichfit,sinceIwasn’treallysureanymoreeither.
Ireturnedhergazewithhollow,emptyeyesthatdevouredthesightofher.Shewasthemeaninginallthis.Thesunthatwouldwarmmeorincinerateme.
Shewaseverything.Shealwayshadbeen
Istruggledtoshovemythoughtsintocoherentwords.“Ihadthisallplannedoutinmyhead,”Iblurted.“Drivingsixhourswillgiveyoutimetopracticewhatyou’regoingtosay,youknow?”
“Youdrovesixhours?”Herbrowknit.
“WhatelsewasIsupposedtodo?”Fuck,Icouldn’tkeepmythoughtsstraight.“ButnowI’mhere,andyourdadsaysyou’removing,andyou’relookingatmelikeI’mthelastpersonyouwanttosee—”
“Youabandonedme!”shesnapped,hurtradiatingthroughhertone.“No,worsethanthat—youdidn’tbothertoshowup!IspenttwodaysinPalaubeforeIrealizedyouweren’tcoming.Whywouldyoudothattome?You’retheonlypersonwho’snever…”Shetookadeepbreath.“Whatthehellhappenedtoyou?Icalled.Itexted.I—”
“That’swhatI’mtryingtotellyou.”Mywordsrantogether.WhatIhadtotellherwassomuchbiggerthanamissedvacation,andifIdidn’tusetherightwords,theperfectwords,thenitwasallfornothing.
“Okay,thentell.”Ashiverracedacrossherskin,andshewrappedherarmsaroundherwaist.
“Ijust…Ican’tthinkstraight,andadmittingthat,seeingmelikethiswouldprobablygetmekickedoutbeforeIevenstart,whichisjustironicbecauseI’malwaysthelevelheadedoneinourgroup.That’swhyitdidn’tsurprisemewhenPiersonwashedoutthesecondweek.Hisland-navskillsaresolid,butthesecondthecadrestartedinonhim,questioninghischoices,hegotallindecisive,andthenhewasgone.”
“Nate,Idon’tunderstandwhatyou’resaying.”Sheshookherhead.
Ahystericallaughbubbledpastmylips.“Ofcourseyoudon’t,becauseI’mnotmakinganysense.ButIdon’tknowwhatthelineisanymore,nottodayatleast.AmIallowedtonothavemyshittogetherwhenIburiedJuliantoday?OramIsupposedtoholdittogetherandjustpretendhismotherwasn’tsobbinginthepewaheadofme?”
“OhGod,Nate.”Herfacefellandshereachedforme,butIsteppedback.
“Don’t.Ifyoutouchme,IknowIwon’tbeabletoholdittogether,andasyoucansee,I’malreadywalkingthatline.”Irubbedmyemptyhandovermyrain-soakedface,wipingthewateraway.“AndtheworstpartisthatIneverreallythoughtofhimasJulian,youknow?Sure,thatwashisname,butwenevercalledhimthat.Buthismotherwouldn’tstopsayingit,wouldn’tstopcrying,andnowthat’sallIhearinmyhead.”
“Whathappened?”sheasked,hervoicegoingsoft.“Isthatwhyyoudidn’tshowup?BecauseJuliandied?”
“Thetrip.Right.”Inodded,tryingtofocusmythoughts.Ineededtopickapath.Ineededhertopickourpath.OnceIhadmyfeetundermeagain,I’dbeabletomoveforward.
I’dneverfeltsounmooredinmylife.
“Thetrip,”shesaidagain,slowly,andIrealizedI’ddriftedintomyownthoughts.
“Iwassupposedtobethere.”InoddedlikeIwasansweringoneoftheinterviewquestions,liketheinterrogationhadneverstopped.“Thedatesworkedoutsoperfectlythatitwaslikefatedecreedit.Likeitwasalwayssupposedtobethisway.”
“Whatway?”
“Onceweallpassedselection,I’dhavethosetendaystospendwithyou,tofigureoutwhatyouwanted,beforemovingontoOTC.”
“Idon’tknowwhatthatmeans.”
“Ofcourseyoudon’t.You’renotreallysupposedto.Damn,Ididsuchagoodjobofkeepingmymouthshut,didn’tI?Keepingyououtofitall.”Irubbedatmyforeheadwiththebackofmyclenchedfist,closedmyeyes,andtookadeepbreath,shuttingoutallthenoise,everythingthathappenedtoday,andfocusedonthewomanstandinginfrontofme.“I’mmessingthisup.”
“SinceIdon’tknowwhatthisis,you’redoingjustfine.Butyoudefinitelyhavemeworried.”Concernetchedtwolinesbetweenhereyebrows.Therewassomuchangerinhereyes,somuchheartbreak,buttherewaslove,too,right?Ihadn’tkilledeverythingshefeltforme,hadI?
“Wewereblackedout,”Isaid,grabbingholdofmyfocuswithmentalfists.“That’swhyIcouldn’tcallyou.Julian’sparentswereonvacation,andtheycouldn’tfindthemtonotifythem,andsincetheyhadourcellphones,theykeptthemsosomeonedidn’truntheirmouthbeforetheycouldbetoldthroughofficialchannels.”Thelittleblueboxinmyhandshifted,theedgesgivingway,andIeasedmygrip.“Atfirst,Ididn’tbelievethem,thecadre,Imean.Ithoughtitwasallpartofthefinalinterview,seeinghowI’dcopewiththatkindofnews.Imean,I’djustseenhimandhe’dbeen…him.Butthenacoupledayspassed,andtheydidn’treleaseus,eventhewashouts.Andthat’swhenIrealizeditwasallmyfault.”
“Nate,”shewhispered,glancingbackoverhershoulderatthecloseddoor.“Whydon’twegosomewhere?”
Becauseshedidn’twantmeintherewithherfather.
“Ican’t.Ihavetogetthisoutnow.Therearepeoplewaitingforme,andIhavetoknowwhatyouwant,sothatI’llknowwhattochoose,Izzy.”Itallmadesenseinmyhead—atleastthatpart—butitwascomingoutsojumbled.
Thebox.Right.Theboxwouldaskthequestionforme.
Iopenedmyrighthand,flickedthetopoftheboxopenwithmythumb,andturnedittowardher.
“OhmyGod.”Herhandrosetocoverhermouth.
“Iknowit’sprobablynotwhatyouwereexpecting.Ipickeditoutaboutayearago,andthenIsecond-guesseditaboutfourteentimes.Youcomefrommoney,andIknowyouwouldprobablyhavewantedsomethingbigger—”
“Nate,isthatwhatIthinkitis?”Herwideeyesjumpedfromtheringtomyface.
“It’sanengagementring.”
Hermouthopened,shut,andthenrepeated.“Youcan’tseriouslybeproposingrightnow.”
“Iam.”Inodded,mystomachtwistingintoaseriesofknotsthathadmyheadswimming.
“No.You’renot.”Sheshookherhead.“Iknowthatyou’renotbecauseyoupromisedmeyou’dneverdothis,nevershovearingatmeandaskmetogiveupeverythingI’veworkedforwithoutgivingusachancetobuildsomethingfirst.Weren’tthoseyourwordsonthatbeach?”
“Don’tyousee?It’stheonlywaywecanbetogether.I’vefoughtitforsomanyyears,thinkingthislifewouldn’tbefairtoyou,thatyoudeservedsomuchbetter—andyoustilldo,butIloveyou,Isabeau.I’veonlylovedyou.I’llonlyeverloveyou.AndIwassupposedtodothisinthewater,ormaybeeventheplane—kindofcirclebacktohowwemet,youknow?”
“Iknow,”shewhispered,herhandfallingtotheriseofherchestasshestaredatmewithshock.AtleastIthoughtitwasshock.Itcouldhavebeenhorrororevenfear.
“ButthenJulian…died,andIrealizedthatitjustaseasilycouldhavebeenme.Itshouldhavebeenme.AndIknewthatI’dwastedtoomuchtimeprotectingyouwhenIshouldhavebeengivingyouachoice,andI’msosorry.”
“Nate,Idon’tthinkyou’rethinkingclearly.YouseriouslywantustogetmarriedwhenI’veneversomuchasseenwhereyoulive?We’veneverspentmorethanaweektogetheratatime—”
“Ninedays,”Iargued.
“Idon’tevenknowwhereyouarehalfthetime,orwhatyou’rebeingselectedfor.Listentoyourself.”
“Exactly.”Shit,Iwasdoingthiswrong.“Butyouloveme,andIjustneedyoutochoose,Iz.I’lldowhateveryouwant.I’llletyouallthewayin.I’lltellyouwhatIcan,andwe’llgobacktoNorthCarolinatogether.OrI’llgetoutifthat’swhatyouwant.”
“What?”Hereyebrowshittheceiling.“Youdon’twanttogetout.You’veneverwantedthat.”
“ButIwouldifitmeantkeepingyou.I’min,Iz.Imadeit.AndIknowyoudon’treallyknowwhatthatmeans,butsaythewordandI’llwalkaway.We’llwalkaway.Justtellmewhatyouwantmetodo,andI’lldoit,”Ibegged.Thechoicewashers.Iwashers.
“Youcan’taskmetomakeachoicelikethatforyou,Nate.”Sheshookherhead.“That’snotfair.Andtheworstpartisthatyou’veshutmeoutforsolongthatIdon’tevenknowenoughtohelpyoumakethatkindofchoice.”
Herdooropened.“Isa—”
Izzyreachedbackandyankedthedoorshut,closingitonherfather.
Herfather.Iblinkedasthepiecesclicked.“Hesaidyou’rebreakingyourlease.Moving?”
“Yes.”Warwagedinhereyes.“No.Idon’t…Idon’tknow.Idon’treallywantto,butitwouldfinallymakethemhappy,andIthinkthey’vereallydonesomesoul-searchingand…changed.Imean,theyactuallycamewhenIneededthem.”
“Don’tdothat.Don’tgiveupwhatyouwantjustbecausethey’vefinallydecidedtoshowupforyou.”
Hereyebrowsshotup.“Isn’tthatwhatyou’redoing?”
“No.I’maskingifyouwantmetogiveeverythingupforyou.”Couldn’tsheseethat?
Hermouthopenedandshut.
Fearclawedupmyspine.OfalltheoutcomesI’dpictured—memovingtoNewYork,hermovingtoNorthCarolina,usbeinganywheretogether—I’dnevercontemplatedhernotwantingme.Thiswholescenewaswrong.
“It’sbecauseI’mdoingitwrong,isn’tit?”Idroppeddowntoonekneeandheldtheboxup.“Marryme,IsabeauAstor.”Weweresupposedtoenduptogether.Itwasjustamatteroftiming.ThatwasthefoundationI’dbuiltmylifeoneversinceTybee.
“Nate…,”shewhispered,staringatmeasathousandemotionscrossedherfeatures.
“Please,”Isaidsoftly.“Pleasechooseme,Izzy.Chooseus.Chooseusoverwhateverlifeyourparentswantyoutolead.ChooseusdespitethefactthatI’maskingwhenwehaven’thadtimetobuildalife.Choosetogiveusthattime.Chooseourfuture.I’lldowhateveryouwant.Justmarryme.”Everymuscleinmybodytensed,hangingonheranswer
Hershouldersfellandtookmyhopewiththem.“Ican’t,Nate.Notlikethis.”
Mychesttightened,clampingdownlikeitwastryingtocontainthecarnageofmyheartasitshatteredbehindmyribs.“You’resayingno,”Isaid,enunciatingeverywordjustsowewereclear,andIslowlyrosetomyfeet.
“I’msayingthisisn’tright.”Sheshookherhead.
Butshewastheonlythingrightinmyentirelife.
Isnappedtheboxshutandcrammeditintothefrontpocketofmyjacketasmymindscrambledforpurchase,foradirection.Army,noarmy.Delta,noDelta.NoneofitmatteredwithoutIzzy,andshewasn’tchoosingme.Shedidn’twantme.
Allyou’veeverdoneiswastehertimeHerfatherwasright.
Iwasfineforvacationsandweekends,butnotgoodenoughtomarry.
“I’msorrytohavewastedyourtime,”Isaid,takingonelastlookatherdeep-browneyes.EyesI’dcausedtocryfartoomanytimes.I’dwastedyearsofherlife.
Timetostop.
“Youdidn’twaste—”shestarted,butIwasalreadymoving,logiccenteringmewitheachstepnowthatIknewwhichroutemylifewasgoingtotake.“Nate!”shecalledafterme.
IhadtogetoutofherebeforeIfellapart.
Ithrewopenthefrontdoorandwalkedintotherain.I’dbefine.I’dgottenbackonaplanehoursafterthepreviousonehadcrashed,andthiswouldbenodifferent.WhathadIzzysaidaboutgoingtotherapy?Ithadgivenhercopingmechanisms.Ihadacareermostpeoplewouldkillfor.Iwasamongthebestofthebest.ThatwasallthecopingmechanismIneeded.
Ormaybeitwasn’t.
Meltingintothecrowd,IwalkeddowntheblocktowhereI’dsomehowmanagedtofindaparkingspot.
Iopenedthedoorandslidbehindthewheel,thenstartedtheignition.“Fuck!”Ishoutedatnooneandeveryone.“Whatwouldyoudo?”IaskedTorres.“Ifyouwereme,whatwouldyoudo?”Iclosedmyeyes,wishingIcouldblockouttheworldasIwaitedforhimtoanswer.
“Guessthatdidn’tgothewayyouwanteditto,”hesaidfromthepassengerseat,crackinganeyeopenlikehe’dbeennappingwhileI’dbeenpouringmyheartout.“WhatamIsaying?Ofcourseitdidn’t,oryouwouldn’tbebacksosoon.”
“Whatwouldyoudo?”Irepeated.
“Youdon’tneedtoask.Youalreadyknowtheanswer.”
“AndyethereIam,asking.”
“Youneedmetosayit?Fine,I’llbetheonetosayit.Onlyeightwereselectedoutofourclass.”Ofcoursehe’duselogic.Thatwashisstrongsuit
“Iknowthat.”
“Youcanwashoutandbelikethemajorityofourclass,orwecandrivebacktoBraggandbepartofthoseeight.Tome,thelattersoundsashittonbetterthantheformer.”
Hewasright.Heusuallywas.
“Braggitis.”Itwistedtheknobnexttothesteeringwheel,andthewindshieldwiperssweptawaytherainandwhatwasleftofmyindecision.
Iputthetruckindriveandpulledintotraffic.CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“Nate,”Izzywhispered,staringattheringI’dcarriedwithmefornearlythreeyears.
“Youdidn’twantme.Youdidn’treallyloveme.Maybetheideaofme,butnotwhoIactuallyam.”ItwasthesimpletruthI’dtoldmyselfeverytimeIputthechainonorlaceditintomybootonmissionsthatdidn’trequirebeingsanitized.IsaidittoremindmewhyitwasokaythatIgavemylifeinservicetomycountry,whyitwasnecessarythatInotshowuponIzzy’sdoorstepbetweendeploymentsandbeghertoreconsider.
Beghertolovemeagain.
“That’snottrue.”Sherippedherstunnedgazeawayfromtheringandliftedittomeetmine.
“Yousaidno.”Ihadenoughpracticesayingthephrasethatitdidn’tevisceratemeanymore.Instead,thewordsweremorelikeapieceofsandpaperoverarawwoundthatrefusedtoheal.
“Ididn’tsayno!”Shereachedforme,andIsidesteppedpasther.
Ifshetouchedme,allbetswereoff.Iwasattheedgeofmyself-control,tornbetweendoingwhateverittooktopushherawayandpullingherclose.Shewasn’tengagedtoDickfaceanymore.Shewasn’this.Butshe’dstillgivenhimtheyesI’dneverreceived.
“Yousaid,Ican’t,”Iremindedher.“AndImightnothaveaGeorgetownLaweducation,butI’mprettysureIcan’tandnoareprettyfuckingsynonymous.”
“Buttheydon’tmeanthesamething!”
“We’reseriouslygoingtoarguesemantics?”Iwalkedtothewindowandcheckedthecourtyardagain.Somehowitlookedliketherewereevenmorepeopleinitnow.
“Aboutthis?Absolutely,”sheretorted.
Iturnedtofaceher.“Okay,evenifyouwanttodebatethemeaningofIcan’t,thenwe’restillleftwithmetellingyouthatyouweretheonlywomanIhadeverlovedorwouldlove,proposingtoyou,andthenwhatwereyourotherphrases?”Glancingattheceiling,Irecitedthemallfrommemory.“Thisisn’tright.Thatonehurt,butlet’snotforgetmypersonalfavorite,Youcan’tseriouslybeproposingrightnow.”
Hermouthsnappedshut.
“Yeah,IremembereverysinglewordyousaidwhileyoublatantlytoldmethatIwasn’twhatyouwanted.Iwasn’twhatyouchose.”Ugly,gut-twistingfeelingsbeatatme,demandingtobeletoutoftheboxI’dkepttheminforthreeyears.“WasitbecauseIdiditwrong?WhatdidCovingtondoright?Didhemakesomegrandpublicgesture?Takeyoutosomeexclusiverestaurantwhereeveryonenotablecouldwatch,orsomejumbotronwherehiscommitmentwasblastedtotheworldtosee?”
“No,Nate.”Sheshookherheadandlookedatmelikeshehadanyrighttoactliketheinjuredparty.
“Wasitthebiggerring?”Istudiedeverynuanceofherexpression,lookingforalie.“Thebiggerbankaccount?Thebiggerfamilyconnections?Thefactthatyourparentsactuallyapprovedofhim?Orthefactthathehadafamilyjettocomerescueyouin?”
“Howcouldyoueventhinkthat?”Hercheeksflushedagain,turningthetipsofherearsred.“Youknowmebetterthanthat!”
“IthoughtIknewyoubetterthanthat,”Iadmitted.“ButthenI’mstandingonatarmac,toldthatit’smyjobtokeepyoualive,andyou’rewearingaringthatcouldsignalaplanefromthirty-twothousandfeet,doingajobyousworeyou’dneverdo.”Howhaditonlybeenninedayssincethatmoment?“AndIcouldhavelivedwithitifhe’dbeenadecentguy,butDickface?”
“Oh.My.God.Willyoushutupforhalfasecond?”Hervoicepitchedupward.
“Sure.Imean,whateveryouhavetosaytomecan’tbeworsethanwhatyoualreadyhave.”
Hereyesnarrowedintoaglare.“Ineversaidno.”
“Andwe’rebacktothisagain.”Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmychest.
“AndIsureashellneversaidthatIdidn’tloveyou.”Shewalkedforwardslowly.“Iknow,becauseI’veneverliedtoyou.Notonce.Canyouhonestlysaythesame?”
Iwinced.“I’vetoldyouwhatIcan.”
“Inourlives,we’vespentwhat?Twentydaystogether?”Sheswallowed.
“Twenty-seven,actually,andifyouevenstarttotellmethatproposingmarriageafterthosedayswastoomuch,thenI’llremindyouithadbeensevenyearsofknowingyouandfouryearsoflovingyou.”
Herlipsparted.“Thatwasn’twhatIwasgoingtosay.We’dspentlessthantwentydaystogether,andIwassoinlovewithyouthatIcouldn’tfathomwhatmylifewouldlooklikewithoutyouinit.”
“Youlovedme,butyouturnedmedown?”Istaredatherandwaitedforwhateverexcuseshehadteedup.
“TellingyouthatIcouldn’tacceptyourproposalhadnothingtodowithnotlovingyou,Nate.Thatwasneveranissue.Notforme.”Herbrowfurrowed.
“WasitbecauseIstoodyouupinPalau?BecauseIwouldn’tletyouinwhenyouaskedwhenwewereinFiji?”Mychestconstricted.WhythehellwasIpokingherforanswersnow?WhyhadIopenedtheboxmarkedIsabeauAstorinmyheart?
“No—itdidn’thaveanythingtodowiththat.”Shetookasinglestep.“DidIwantyoutoletmein?Absolutely.That’sallI’veeverwanted,butitdidn’t—”
“Youwantin?Fine.Ikilledoneofmybestfriends,Izzy.How’sthatforlettingyouin?”Ithrewupmyhands.
Herlipsparted,andshestoppedshort.
“Betyou’reregrettingwantinginnow,huh?”Myarmsfelltomysides.
“Idon’tunderstand,”shesaid,confusionpuckeringherforehead.“AreyoutalkingaboutJu—”
“Yes!”Iinterrupted.“It’smyfaultthathe’sdead.Heyankedmeoutofthewaywhenatimberrattlesnakestruckafterwe’dbothfinishedourforty-mileruckmarchduringselection,anditbithiminstead.”ItwasthefirsttimeI’dsaidthewordsoutloud.
Sheblinked.“Nate,that’snotyourfault.”
“Yeah?Well,whenItoldhimwehadtotellsomeone,herefusedandsaidhehadn’tcomethisfartogetmed-boardedbeforetheinterviewportion,whichwasthefinalpartofselection.Gettingthroughthefirstcourses—”Isetmyhandsontopofmyheadandclosedmyeyes.“ItwasthehardestthingI’deverdone.Thehardestthinganyofushaddone.”IttooktwodeepbreathstosteadymebeforeIcouldcontinue.“So,Itoldhimfine.Iwouldn’ttellaslongasheagreedtogethelpassoonastheinterviewwasover.”Andhe’dgrinnedatme,socertainwe’dbothmakeit.“Ilethimwalkintohisinterviewwithavenomoussnakebite,andwhenitwasmyturnfortheinterview,whentheytoldmeoneofmybestfriendshadjustdiedduetoanaphylacticshockinthenextroom,Irolledwithit,thinkingitwaspartofthefuckinginterrogation.Thatthey’dwantacalm,cool,collectedsoldierintheunit,sothat’swhatIgavethem.Figuredwe’dbothgetalaughoutofitafterward,excepthereallywasdead.”There.I’dsaidit.
Someoneknockedonthedoor.
“OhGod.Nate,youdidn’tkillhim.”Sadnessfilledhereyes,andIdidn’tdeserveanounceofherpity.
“Yes,Idid.IfI’dtold,gottenhimhelpsooner,he’dbealive.Instead,I’mtheoneintheunitandhe’stheoneintheground.Howisthatforlettingyouin,Izzy?”
Anotherknocksounded.
“That’swhyyouweresodistraught.Itwasn’tjustthathedied.”Shecametowardme,herfacecrumplinginawaythatmademewanttotakeeverywordbackandjustholdher.“Iknewsomethingwaswrongwithyou.IwassoworriedthatIstoodthereforahalfhour,soakingwet—”
“YouwereinsidewhenIproposed.”
“Icameafteryou!”
“You…what?”ThewiresinmybrainmusthavecrossedbecauseitfeltlikeIwasshort-circuiting.
Theknockturnedtoapound.“Ihatetointerruptyouguys,butIneedtotalktoyounow,”Grahamshoutedthroughthedoor.
“Icameafteryou,”sherepeatedinawhisper,desperationclogginghervoiceasshegrabbedholdofmyuniform.
“Comein,”Imanagedtocallout.
Thedooropened,andGrahamwalkedin,hisfacetight.
“What’sup?”Mystomachtensed,bracingforbadnews.
“I’msorrytotellyou,butMazar-i-Sharifisfalling.”CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT
IZZY
NewYork
October2018
“Youwhat?”Serenashouted,wrappingthetoweltightlyaroundherbodyandstaringatmelikeI’dlostmymind.
I’dallbuthauledheroutoftheshowerinmyhysteria,ignoringMomandDadastheystoodinthelivingroom,waitingforanswersIdidn’thave.“Youheardme!”
“Andyoujustlethimgo?”Serena’seyesflewwide.
“Itwasn’tlikeIhadthepowertostophim!”God,he’dbeenso…lost.Myheartached,demandingIchasehimdownandgivehimwhateverheneeded.“WhatwasIsupposedtodo?Holdhimdown?”
“Iwasthinkingyou’dsayyes,seeingthatyou’reobviouslymiserablewithouthim,anditseemshehadaprettygoodreasonfornotshowinguponyourvacation.”
“Sayyes?Thatwasn’thim.Hewasn’treallyaskingmetomarryhim,Serena!HewasreactingoutoftraumaafterburyingJuliantoday.”
“Wait.Heburiedhisfriendtoday?Youleftthatout.”Herbrowknit.“WhichoneisJulian?”
Thetallblondguywiththesmirkcametomind.“IthinkhislastnamewasRowell.HewasoneoftheguyshewentintoSpecialForceswith.Oneofhisbestfriends.”Irubbedmyhandsovermyface.“Hewassohurt.Ihurthim.ButhowcouldIaccepthisproposalwhenheclearlywasn’tinaclearstateofmind?Ikepttryingtopokeholesinhisargumenttogethimtoseethathewasactingirrationally.TheNateIknowwouldneverhaveproposedlikethat,andwhenIsaidthat…”Mythroatstartedtoclose,thinkingofhisface.“Heneedsagoodnight’ssleep,orhelp—notanengagement.”
Ifhe’daskedme,reallyhonestlyaskedme,Iwouldhavethrownmyselfintohisarmsandneverletgo.
“Andyouthinkhe’sgoingtoracefromheretoatherapist’scouch?”Shegrippedmyshoulders.“Doyoulovehim?”
“Morethanmyownlife.”Itdidn’tmatterwhatIdid;Icouldn’tturntheemotionoff.
“Thengofindhimandhaulhimbackheresohecangetwhateverhelpheneeds.Go,Izzy.”
Inoddedandtookoff,skiddingintothehallwayinmyslipperedfeetandthenthroughthelivingroom.
“Iknowyouarenotrunningafterthatman!”Momshouted.
“Iknowyou’renotactinglikeyouactuallyknowanythingabouthim!”Isnappedback.They’dbepissed.Ohwell.Lifewasn’tworthitwithoutNate,andiftheycouldn’tacceptthat,thenthey’dneverreallylovedmeanyway.
Ididn’tbotherclosingmydoorasIranoutofmyapartmentandraceddownthestepsofmybuilding.“Nate!”IshoutedasIthrewopentheheavyglassdoorandranoutontothesidewalk.
Thereweredozensofpeopleouthere.
NoneofthemwereNate.
Ishovedmyhandintothecenterpocketofmyhoodieandgrabbedmyphone,thenhitNate’sinfoonthecontactpage.“Pickup,pickup,pickup,”Isaidasitrang.
Hesentmetovoicemail.Orhisphonewasoff.Butmybetswereonthefirstoption.
IclimbedthestairstotheentranceofmybuildingforabettervantagepointandsearchedthestreetsasItriedhisphoneagain.Hedidn’tpickup.
Mychestcrumpledlikeadiscardedballofpaper.I’dsenthimawaywhenhe’dneededmetopullhimcloser.I’dfailedhimatthefirstrealtest.
Serenajoinedme,holdinganumbrellaovermyheadaswestoodthereforahalfhour,lookingateverysinglepersonwhowalkedby,myheartrefusingtoacceptwhatmymindalreadyhad.
Hewasgone.CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
Isatonthecouch,watchingthecoveragefromMazar-i-SharifinalanguageIcouldn’tunderstandasNate’steambuzzedaroundus.
“Youhungry,Izzy?”SergeantRoseasked.They’ddroppedtheMs.Astortitleoveranhourago.
Ishookmyheadwithoutlookingawayfromthetelevision.Serenawasintheresomewhere.
“Andtheseareallprocessedandneedtogobackdowntotheclerk,”NatetoldSergeantBlack,handinghimastackoffileshe’dpersonallycalledoninthelasthour.
“Idon’tevenknowwhatthey’resaying,”Iwhispered,holdingathrowpillowtomychest.
“Oh.”SergeantRoseleanedin.“They’respeakingDari.I’mstrongerinPashto.”Helookedoverhisshoulder.“Green!”
“NatespeaksPashto,”Iwhispered,wincingwhenIrealizedIhadn’tusedGreen
“Yeah,andDari,andFarsi,andFrench,andwhateverelsehe’sworkingon.Guyneverslowsdown.”Heglancedmyway.“Anddon’tstress.Weallknowhisrealname.”
Natesatonmyleft,andIheldmyselfrigidsoIwouldn’tleanintohim.Wehadn’texactlycometoaconclusioninourargument.We’djust…stopped.
“Whataretheysaying?”Iasked.
“TheTalibantookcontrolofthecitylessthananhourafterbreachingthefrontlinesatthecitylimits,”Naterecited.“Whenthathappened,thegovernmentforcesandthemilitiasfledwithoutafight.”
SergeantRosecursed.
“ThatleavesonlyKabulandJalalabadunderAfghangovernmentcontrol.”Natelookedmyway.“Youshouldn’tbewatchingthis.”
“Whynot?She’sexperiencingit.Shetoldmeoncethatignoringasituationdoesn’tmakeitbetterforthepeoplelivingit.”Isqueezedthepillowtighter.“She’slivingit.”
Thedooropened,andSergeantBlackwalkedbackin,headingtowardthediningareawhereSergeantGraywassetupdoingwhateverthecommsguydid.
“Ifailed,”Iwhispered.
SergeantRoseglancedovermyheadatNate,thenstoodandjoinedtheothers.
“Youdidn’t,”Nateassuredme.“Serenamadeherchoice.We’reallallowedtomakeourownchoices.Yougotthatgirls’teamout.”
Iscoffed.“Yougotthatgirls’teamout.Ididthepaperwork.”Defeatsettledintomystomachlikeananchor.“AllI’vedonesinceIgotherewasfailtoconvinceSerenatoleaveandwasteyourteam’stimewhenyou’reclearlyneededelsewhere.”I’dalsolostafiancé,butIwascountingthatinthepluscolumn.Ididn’tevencarethatI’dhavetoexplainittomyparents.TherewasareasonIhadn’tspokentotheminweeks.
“NewcastlewouldhavebeeninKandahartoo,”Natesaid.“HewouldhavemissedCovington’sHailMaryreturnflighthometoo.Iwouldstillbeinthisroom.”Asmilecurvedhisperfectmouth.“Ijustwouldn’thavelethimsleepwithhisheadinmylap.Ihaveboundaries,youknow.”
“Justnotwithme?”
“Neverwithyou,”hesaidsoftly.“Iknowitdoesn’tcountformuchrightnow,butI’msorryforlosingmytemperearlier.”
Isentadoseofside-eyehisway.“Youdidn’t.”
“Idid.Youjustdidn’tknowit.”
“Green,”SergeantGraycalledout.“I’vegotsomething.”
Natestood,andIwentbacktostaringatthetelevision.
“Izzy,”Natesaidaminutelater.
Ilookedovermyshoulderandsawhimholdingupaclunky-lookingphone.
“It’sSerena.”
Iscrambledoffthecouchandnearlytrippedontheendtabletogetthere.“Serena?”IsaidintothephoneaftertakingitfromNate.
“I’monmyway,Izzy,”shesaid.“Idon’tknowwhoyourmanknows,butI’minacarwiththissnazzyphoneandTaj.”
“You’reokay?”Icoveredmyfaceandduckedmyheadasmyeyeswatered.
“I’mokay.Butit’sfourhundredmilesandahellofalotofcheckpointstoKabul.Mycredentialsshouldgetusthere,butyoucan’twaitforme.”
Mystomachtwisted.“Ican’tleavewithoutyou.”
“Youcanandyouwill.I’llbeonthefirstplaneIcangeton,butyouhavetogetoutofhere.Promiseme.”
“Idon’tevenknowifIcangetoutbeforeyougethere,soitmightbeamootargument,”Itried,liftingmyheadtoseeNateshakinghishead.
“Iwanttoconservethebatteryonthisthing,soIneedtogo.ButIz,promisemeyou’llgo.”
“Ipromise,”Iwhispered.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo.”
IhandedthephonebacktoNate,wholiftedittohisear.“Ifoundaflightforherfortomorrownight.”Helockedeyeswithme.“Iwillpersonallythrowherovermyshoulderandstrapherintotheseatmyself.”
Myeyesnarrowedathim.
Heflashedadimple.
Ugh.
“Serena,don’tgetyourselfkilled.Izzywouldneverrecoverfromtheguiltofyounotputtingyourassonthehelicopterwhenyouhadthechance.”HeendedthecallandhandedthehandsetbacktoGray.
“Thankyou,”IsaidtoNate.“Whateveryoudid.Thankyou.”Itdidn’tevencomeclosetowhathedeservedtohear,butitwasallIcouldgetout.
Henoddedonce.“ImeantwhatIsaid.Iwillstrapyouontothatflightmyselftomorrownight.”
WhichmeantIonlyhadtwenty-fourhoursleftwithhim.
IrolledoverandstaredattheclockjustlikeIhadeveryhoursinceI’dcometobedalittleaftermidnight.OncetheStateDepartmenthadgonehomefortheday,therewasnopointcontinuingtocallandfollowuponvisas,butinafewhoursIcouldbeusefulhelpingwiththeinterviewsuntilNatedecideditwastimetoleavefortheairport.
Foura.m.meanthewasprobablyjustwakingup.
Ifloppedtomybackandstaredupattheceiling,lettingmythoughtsrunhaywire.
NatethoughtI’dturnedhisproposaldownbecauseIdidn’tlovehim,andthenhe’dtapedmyengagementringtoadogtagandcarrieditwithhimeverywhere.WhatwasIsupposedtodowiththat?
Stayinghere,wastingtheonlyhoursImighthavewithhim,wasn’tgoingtogetme—orus—anywhere.
MyheartpoundedasIswungmyfeetoverthesideofthebedandthenwalkedintothelivingroomofmysuite,turningonthelampwiththeswitchasmoonlightpouredinthroughthewindows.
IturnednearthekitchenareaandfoldedmyarmsacrossmytanktopasIstaredatthering.Itwasperfect.Simple.ExactlywhatIwouldhavepickedoutifI’dbeenatthejewelrystorewithhim.Andhe’dboughtitafterFiji.AfterI’dresignedmyselftolivingforthemomentsIhadwithhim.He’dseenafutureforus.
IttookmethreeattemptsbeforeIactuallymanagedtopickitup.Itwasslightlystickyfromthetape’sresidue,andallthemoreperfectforit.Myhearthurtatthelifeitrepresented,thelifewecouldhavehad.
IgrabbedmykeyandwalkedoutofmyroombeforeIcouldthinktwiceandthenstopmyself.
SergeantRoseblinkedatmefromwherehestoodnexttoNate’sdoor.“Everythingokay,Ms.Astor?”
Well.Shit.Itwasn’tlikeIcouldstormacrossthehallandknockonNate’sdoornow.
“You’reonbabysittingduty.”Iwrappedmyarmsacrossmychest,morethanalittleself-consciousthatIdidn’texactlysleepinabra.
“I’monguard,yes.”Hesmotheredasmilebehindhisbeard.
“Right.SoI’mjustgoingto…”Gobackintomyroomandpretendthisneverhappened.
“Youknowwhat?”hesaid,whippingoutaroomkeyfromhisfrontpocket.“I’minthemoodtostiralittleshitthismorning.Whynot.”HeshruggedandtappedthekeyagainstNate’slock.
Thelightabovethehandleturnedgreen,andIdidn’thesitate.“Thankyou.”Flashinghimasmile,Igrabbedthedoorhandle,turningitquicklysoitdidn’tlockagain.
“Justdon’ttellhimitwasme.”
InoddedandopenedNate’sdoor,steppinginsideandclosingitbehindmebeforeIlostthenerve.Lightpouredoutofthebathroom,andIheardtheshowerrunning,buttherestoftheroomwasdark.
“Nate?”Icalledoutsoftly,notwantingtostartlehim,seeinghowwellthathadgonelasttimeI’dmadethatmistake,butheobviouslycouldn’thearmeoverthesoundofthewaterrunning.
Mylipsparted.Hewasinthere.Naked.Heatrushedthroughme,andIusedmykeycardtofanmyselfbeforeputtingitonhisdresserwhentheshowerfinallystopped.ButIheldontotheringlikeitwasthekeytobreakingthroughtohim.
Iwasstillwholeheartedlyinlovewithhim,andthiswasworththefight.
“Nate?”Isaidgently,standingbetweenhisbedandthedesk.
“Izzy?”Iheardthesoundoffabricrustling,andhewalkedoutofthebathroominatowel.
Atowel
Asingular,lonelytowelwrappedaroundhisleanwaist.Hehadn’tevendriedoff.Nope,therewerestillwaterdropletsslidingdownthesamelinesofhisbodythatIhadtracedwithmytongue.Likethatone,rightthere…theonethatslippeddownhispec,gatheringotherdrops,andthenfallingintothecanyonsofhisabsbeforefindingitswaytothefuck-melinesthatcarvedthedeepV—
“Izzy.”
MygazesnappedupwardtoNate’sface,anddamnifmyentirebodydidn’tflush.“Hi.”
Hisbrowsrose.“Hi?It’s—”Heglancedathisclock.“Fourinthemorningandyoujustpoppedbytosayhi?Thegirlwhosleepsuntiltenifshecan?”
“You’reinatowel.”WasthatreallythebestIcouldcomeupwith?
“Iwasintheshower.That’sanaturalprogressionofevents.Shower.Towel.Clothes.Andhowthehelldidyouevenget—”Hesighed.“Nevermind,Ialreadyknowwholetyouin.”
“Don’tbemad.”Theringbitintomypalm,butIkeptmyfistclosed.
“I’mnotmad.Confused,butnotmad.”
“Icouldn’tsleep.NotwhenIknowIonlyhaveafewhoursleftwithyou.”Thelastbittumbledout.
Hisexpressionwentblank.Hewasretreatingbehindthosemile-highwallswhereIwouldn’tbeabletoreachhim,andIcouldn’tletthathappen.Nottonight.
“Ithoughtyouwereproposingoutofshock,”IblurtedwithasmuchgraceasI’dhadthedaywemet.Goodtoseewe’regrowingoverhere.
“Wedon’thavetodothis.”
“Wedo.”Iclosedthedistancebetweenusbutdidn’treachforhim.“Iwasstillreelingfromyouno-showingPalau,andmyparentswerethere,beingall…parentalforonce,andthenyoushowedup,clearlydistraughtoverlosingyourfriend,askingmetochooseifyouweregoingtostayinthemilitaryornot,andyouweren’t…you.Yourwordsrantogether,youreyeswerewild,andyoujustkepttellingmethatyouneededmetochoosewhatyouweresupposedtodo,despiteeveryargumentIthrewatyoutoshowthatyouweren’tactinglikeyourself.Andlookingback,Ididn’thavemyheadonstraight,either,butNate,Ididn’tthinkitwasreal.”
“Igotdownononeknee,”hewhispered.
“Trustme,Iremember.”Itookthatlaststepandcuppedhisbeardedcheekwithmyfreehand.“AllIcouldthinkwasthatthiswaseverythingI’deverwanted,andyet,ifI’dsaidyes,Iwouldhavebeentakingadvantageofyouatyourworstmoment.Youwouldhavewokenupandregrettedasking.”
“Youchoseyourparents.”
“Ididn’t.”Ishookmyhead.“Sure,IusedDad’sconnectionstogetintoLauren’soffice,butitwasonlytohelpthatlegislationthatneverpassedanyway.Serenatoldyouthetruth.Ididn’tgotoDCformyparents.Iwentforyou.”
Hisbrowfurrowedslightly,justenoughtotellmeIwasgettingthrough.
Iswallowedthefearandforgedahead.“YouaskedmewhyItoldJeremyyes.”
Heclosedhiseyes.“Ican’t,Izzy.YouhavemesoclosetobreakingthatIcanbarelylookatmyselfinthemirror,soifyou’reabouttolistmyfaults—”
“Isaidyestohimbecausehewasfamiliar,andcomfortable,andI’dalreadymadethebiggestmistakeofmylifebysayingnototherightman.”
Hiseyesflewopen.
“AndI’velivedeverysingledaywiththatregret.”Iopenedmyotherpalm,revealingthering.“Youmayhavecarriedthiswithyou,butIcarriedyouhere.”Islidmyhandovermyheart.“Ishouldhavesaidyesandthenheldontoyoufordearlife,damntheconsequences,andifI’dknownthatyouweregoingtodisappearminuteslater,Iwouldhave.Ishouldhavesaidyes.Ineverstoppedlovingyou,Nate.Notforonesecond.”
Hiseyesflaredforasecondbeforehegraspedthenapeofmyneckandpulledmymouthtohis.
Finally.
Thekissfeltlikecominghome.
HistonguesweptpastmylipsandImeltedagainsthimasdesireflaredtolife,spreadingthroughmyveinsinarushoffire,wakingupeveryshiverofneedthathadlaindormantsincethelasttimehe’dtouchedme.HowhadIlivedfornearlyfouryearswithouthiskiss?Hisarms?
Hetastedthesame,likespearmintandNate,andIcouldn’tgetcloseenough.Whenheretreated,Ifollowed,flickingmytonguealongthesensitiveridgebehindhisteethandrevelinginthecatchofhisbreath,thewayhisgriptightenedashemovedussideways.
Idroppedtheringonthenightstandashesatonthesideofhisbed,tuggingmebetweenhisthighs,andthenIkissedhimlikeitmightbethelasttimeI’deverfeelhismouthonmine.IfthiswasallIhad,onemorepricelessmomentwherehewasminetokiss,totouch,thenIwantedeverything.
Hishandslidtomyass,andhegrabbedhold,pullingmetightagainsthim.WatersoakedintothethinmaterialofmytanktopasourmouthsmovedinarhythmI’dallbutforgotten.Itwashungerandneedandstillachinglysweet.
“Sayitagain,”hedemandedagainstmymouth,hishandsslidingbeneaththefabricofmypajamapantstocupmybareass.
“Whichpart?”Iteased,nippingathislowerlip.God,I’dmissedthis.Missedeverythingabouthowrightitfelttobeinhisarms.
“Youknowwhichpart.”Hedrewbacktolookintomyeyes,andmyheartraced
“I’vealwayslovedyou.Iaminlovewithyou,NathanielPhelan.”Iliftedmyhands,runningthemthroughhiswethair.“Andyoulovemetoo.”
“DoI?”Acornerofhismouthlifted.
“Youdo.”Myfingerstraileddownhisneckandacrosshisshoulders.“Yourcallsignwouldn’tbeNavarreifyoudidn’t.”
Hecapturedmymouthagain,thekissspinningbeyondcontrolwiththefirstfewstrokesofhistongue.ThiswaswhatIwanted,whatIneeded,andnotjustforthefewminuteswehad,butfortherestofmylife.Ineverwantedtogoanotherdaywithoutbeinginhisarms.
“Ineedyou.”I’dneverspokenasinglesentencewithsomanymeanings,andtheywerealltrue.Ineededhimineverywaypossible.
“Iknow.God,Iknow.”Hishandshiftedbetweenus,hisfingersdancingtantalizinglyonmyskinbeneathmywaistband.“Ifeelthesameway.”Hekissedmychin,myjaw,andthespotjustbeneathmyearbeforeskimminghislipsdownmyneck,sendingashudderofpurewantdownmyspineandaddingtothegatheringneedbetweenmythighs.
Myheadfellbackashismouthworkeddownmychest,thencoveredthepeakofmybreastthroughthefabric,testingmynipplegentlywithhisteeth.
“I’vewantedtotouchyoufromthesecondyousteppedoffthatplane,”hesaid,tuggingmytanktopdowntobaremybreastsandsuckingateachtip.
Imoaned,myfingersdiggingintohisbareshoulders,mybodyleaningintohis
“IttookeverythingIhadnottograbaholdofyouandkissyouuntilyouthrewthatgoddamnedringoffyourfingerandrememberedwhatwefeltliketogether.”Herakedhisteethovermeanddippedhisfingersdowntheplaneofmystomach.“Therehasn’tbeenadayIhaven’tthoughtofyou,haven’tmissedyou,wantedyou,lovedyou.”
Mykneesweakened.
“PleasetellmeIcanhaveyou.”Thetipsofhisfingersgrazedthetopofmythong.
“I’myours.”
Heliftedhisheadandkissedmehardanddeepatthesamemomenthisfingersfoundme,andIwhimperedintohismouth.Bandinghisarmaroundthebackofmythighs,heheldmeuprightashepumpedtwofingersinsidemewiththesamerhythmofhistongue.
OhGod.Needandlustswirledwithinme,overrulingeverythoughtthatwasn’tcloser,more,andnow.Natehadalwaysknownhowtoplaymybody,hadspenthoursedgingmyorgasms,buildingthemuntilIcouldn’ttakeitanymore,butIwasn’tgoingtobeabletowait.Notthistime.
Ihookedmythumbsintheelasticofmypajamapantsandmyunderwearandpushedthemdownmylegs,steppingoutandkickingthemfree.
“Izzy,”hegroanedagainstmymouth,thenbrokethekisstotugmyshirtoffwithhisfreehand.“Youfeelsofuckinggood.”
“Don’tstop,”Ibeggedasheaddedhisthumb,workingmeintheexactwayIliked,thewayheknewIneeded.ItouchedhimeveryplaceIcouldreach,strokingmyhandsdownhisarms,hischest,aroundtotheirresistibleexpanseofhisback.
“Nochance.”Yearsofpent-updesirebuiltandcoiled,stringingmybodytight.Everykisstookmehigher,everyplungeofhisfingersbroughtthepleasurefurthertothepointofpain.
ButIdidn’twanttocomelikethis,notafterallthistime.
Ituggedthetowelfromhishipsandwrappedmyhandaroundhim.HehissedasIstrokedthehardlengthofhim,swirlingmythumbovertheblunttip.
“Iwantyouinsideme.”
“Good,becausethat’sexactlywhereIwanttobe.”HiseyeslockedwithmineasIstraddledhislap,risingonmykneessohefitperfectlyagainstmyentrance.“Iloveyou,IsabeauAstor.”
Thewordsfilledmychest,andIkissedhimasIloweredmyselfinchbygloriousinch,mymusclesgrippingtightashethrustupwardandtookmetothehilt
Webothgroaned.
ThiswaswhatI’dbeenmissing.Notjusthisbody,buthim.Thewayhelookedatme,touchedme,mademefeelliketherewasnothinginthisworldthatmatteredmorethanthefitofourbodies,thecombinedrhythmofourhearts.
“Fuck,Izzy.”Hegrippedmyhipsandliftedme,hisbicepsflexing,beforeheslammedbackupintome.“YoufeelbetterthaneverydreamI’veeverhad.Everymemory.Everyfantasy.Sogoddamnhot.”
“Again,”Idemanded,windingmyarmsaroundhisneckandrockingbackintohishipswhenhegavemewhatIaskedfor.Everystrokeofhimradiatedthroughmybody,myfingersandtoestinglingwiththesweetesthumofpure,unadulteratedpleasure.
Thenhestilled,allbutfreezingbeneathme.
“Nate?”Iasked,pullingbackjustenoughtoseehisfaceinthedimlight.
“Wecan’t.”Heliftedmyhipsagain,agonizinglyslow,andthestrainoftheactionshowedoneverylineofhisface,asifhewasfightinghisowninstincts.
Itookhisfaceinmyhands.“Yes.Wecan.”Swingingmyhips,Itookhimallthewayandbitmylowerlipathowphenomenalhefeltinsideme.
“Idon’thaveacondom.”Hebitouteveryword.“Iwasn’texactlyplanningonthis.”
“Oh.”Myhipsswiveledoftheirownaccord,asifmybodywasmorethanwillingtotakewhatItriedtowithhold.“That’sokay.”
Hisbrowsshotup,andhisfingersbitintomyhips.
“I’monbirthcontrol.”Ighostedakissoverhislips.“AndI’veneverhadunprotectedsex,sowe’reintheclear.”NottomentionI’dhadthewholebatteryoftestsafterI’dfoundoutaboutJeremy’sextracurricularactivities.
“Meeither,”headmitted,histhighstensingunderneathme.“Yousure?”
“NotsureIcouldstopevenifIwantedto,whichIdon’t.”Ilifteduponmykneesandsliddownagain,bitingbackamoan.
“NowonderyoufeelevenbetterthanIremember,andbelieveme,Ihaveanexcellentmemoryofjusthowperfectitwasbetweenus.”Hishandmovedtomyass,andhekissedmedeepashedroveupintome,settingapacethatImetwithequalfervor.
ThecoiloftensiondeepwithinmebuiltandbuiltuntilIknewI’dbreaksoon,andIpusheditback.
Last.Thishadtolast.
Ourbodiesmovedincompleteunison,partnersinadancetoolongdenied,andneverforgotten.HekissedmelikeIwastheverybreathheneededtosurviveandtookmelikeeachthrustonlylefthimhungrierforthenext.
“There’snothinglikethisintheentireworld,”hesaidbetweenkisses.“Nothingcomparestotheheat,thefit,thefeelofyou,Izzy.”Wrappinganarmaroundmyback,hespunmetomybackonthebed,thendrovein,hardanddeep.“Iwantyouineverypossibleway.”
Imoanedinfrustrationwhenhepulledout,butheatflushedeveryinchofmyskinwhenheflippedmetomystomachandthenpulledmyhipssoIwasuponmyknees.Hellyes.“Now.”
EverysecondIhadtowaitwastorture.
Hefithimselfbetweenmythighsandthrustforward,takingmesodeepthatlightsflashedbehindmyeyes.“Nate!”
“Grabtheheadboard.”Hisbreathwasjustaschoppyasmine,hisquestinghandsjustasravenousastheclawingneedwithinmeashestrokedeveryinchofmyskin.
Igrippedthewoodenframeoftheheadboard,thenpushedbackagainsthimwiththenextthrust.ItwasbeyondanythingIcoulddescribe.Everytimehemoved,Iburnedbrighter,spuntighter.
“Sodamnedgood.”Hishandstrokeddownmyspineashekeptarhythmthathadmekeening.“God,I’vemissedthis.Missedyou.”
Therewerenowords,onlyjoltsofpleasurethatpushedmerighttotheedgeofreason.MyorgasmwassocloseIfeltthefirstwavesrisewithinme,threateningtobreakatanysecond.“Notyet,”Iwhimpered,mymusclestensing.“Nate,Idon’twantittoendyet.”
“It’snotgoingto,”hepromised,hisfingersrollingmynipples.“Letgoforme.”
Icameapart,blissfloodingmybodyinwaveafterwave.Iscreamedintohispillow,myhandsfallingfromtheheadboardasIwentlimpbeneathhim.Heaven.Hewasheaven,andIwantedmore.
AssoonasIcouldmove,ofcourse.
“Fuck,”hegroaned,hishandsslidingtomyhipsashestrokedintomeslowly,coaxingthatglowingemberofdesireintoanotherflame,thisonehotterthanthelast.“You’renotcloseenough.Icannevergetcloseenough.”
Heslippedhishandsupovermybreastsandlifted,pullingmybackagainsthischestashetookmeoverandoverandover.
Ireachedback,cuppingthenapeofhisneck,andturnedmyheadforhiskiss.Itwasopenmouthed,desperate,andmessyasoursweat-slickbodiesmetagainandagain.
“Youfeelsorightinsideme.”Mynailsscrapedthebackofhisneck.
“God,Iloveyou.”HepusheddeeperandImoaned.“Ineedtoseeyou.”
HewasonlyoutofmeforamatterofsecondsbeforeIfoundmyselfonmyback,NatehoveringovermelikethegodofeveryfantasyI’deverhad.Bracinghisweightonanelbow,hepushedbackin,andIgaspedatthefit,liftingmykneesforanevenbetterangle.
“Thereyouare.”Hecuppedmyface,staringintomyeyesashepickedupthepace.“MyIsabeau.”
Inodded,wordsescapingmeasIarchedforhim,pressurebuildinglowwithinmeagainwitheverypushanddragofhiships.
HewaseverythingI’deverwanted.“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered,wrappingmyarmsaroundhim.
Thewordsseemedtosnapwhatevercontrolhe’dhad,becausehiseyesdarkenedandthesnapsofhishipscamefasterandhisrhythmslippedintoafrenzy.Hismusclestensedbeneathmyfingers,andhishandfellfrommyfacetoreachbetweenus.
Hewasclose,theharshlinesofhisfacesoverybeautiful,thatIcouldn’tlookawayashefoughthisclimax.
“Yourturntoletgo,”Itoldhim.
“Youfirst.”Hisfingersstrokedmyclitandmybodyexploded,thesecondorgasmsweepingthroughmewithoutwarning,makingmearchandwritheashefoundhisownrelease,shudderingabovemeashethrustthreemoretimes,hiseyeswideningwiththatlastone.
Hefellagainstme,immediatelyrollingtohissideandpullingmewithhim,holdingmecloseandlookingatmewithwhatseemedlikeamixofwonderand…resolve.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked,strokingmyhandoverhisfaceasmybreathingfinallyslowed.
“I’msupposedtobetheoneaskingthat.”Hesmiled.
Notagrin.Notasmirk.Areal,heart-stoppingsmile.
“Icouldn’tbebetter.”Leaningover,Ikissedhimsoftly,tearsprickingmyeyes.InafewhoursI’dbeonaplanebacktotheStates.“Idon’tknowhowtolivewithoutyou,Nate.AndIknowthat’snotwhatyouwanttohearrightnow.Itried.Ireallydid.Butexistingisn’tthesameasliving.”
“Iknow.”Hestoppedmywordswithhismouth.“Fuck,doIknow.”
Iswallowedtheknotinmythroat.“Whatarewegoingtodo?”
Hetunneledhishandthroughmyhair.“We’regoingtogetintheshower,andthenI’mgoingtomakeyoucomeafewmoretimes,andthenwe’regoingtofacethisday.”
Nopromises.Nosweetvows.Noplanspastthesunset.Aftertenyears,we’dwalkedrightbackintofamiliarterritory.
Hedidexactlyashe’dplanned,makingmecomeagainsthismouthintheshower,andthenagainwithmybackslidingacrossthewater-slicktileasheburiedhimselfinsideme,takingmelikehecouldholdusinthismomentifhejustfoughthardenoughforit.
Butwe’dbarelywrappedtowelsaroundourbodieswhensomeonepoundedthreetimesonthedoor.
“Stayinhere,”Natesaid,kissingmyswollenlipsquicklybeforewalkingoutofthebathroom,thenclosingthedoorbehindhim.
IwipedthesteamoffthemirrorandstaredatthewomanIfoundthere.
Hercheekswereflushed,hereyesbright,andherneckslightlyredwithwhiskerburn.ShelookedliketheversionofmeIlikedbest,theonewhoonlyexistedwhenIwaswithNate.
Thebathroomdooropened,andItensedattheserioussetofNate’smouth.
“Whatisit?”Ispuntowardhim,fearingtheworst.“Serena?”
Heshookhishead.“Getdressed.They’reatthecitygates.”
Mylipsparted.“AtJalalabad?”
Hisjawclenched.“No.TheysurrenderedJalalabadlastnightwhileweweresleeping.They’rehereinKabul.”
OhshitCHAPTERTHIRTY
NATHANIEL
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
“Thatmakesthreehundred,”Elstonsaid,closingtheroof-accessdoorbehindusastheChinooktookoffwithanotherfiftyevacueesfromtheembassy.
ThecitywasinchaosbeyondthedefensesoftheGreenZone,andweweren’tfaringtoomuchbetterinhereeither.Panickedpeopleweredangerouspeople,andthoughtheevacuationwasgoingprettysteadily,whoknewhowanyonewithinwouldreacttothesightofoneofthosewhite-flaggedpickuptrucks.
“Onlyafewthousandtogo,”Isaidaswedescendedthestairsinfullcombatgear.“Howlongdoyouthinkwehave?”
“Beforethepresidentnegotiatesasurrender,theTalibandecidestokickuptheirheelsintheGreenZone,oryouactuallyconvinceMs.Astortogetthefuckout?”heasked,ourbootstheonlyothersoundinthestairwell.
“Ibetthey’reintheGreenZonebeforedinner,”Torressaid,catchinguptous.
“They’vebeeninnegotiationsforacouplehoursnow,soI’msurethatpartisgoingtohappenquickly.We’rejustluckytheirforcesarestilloutsidethegates,andasforMs.Astor…”Isighedaswepassedthethirdfloorandheadedtowardthesecond.“I’vealreadytoldherthatwe’reoutofhereatfive,whetherornotshe’swillingtogo.”
She’dbeenholedupwithembassystaffallmorning,processinganylast-minutevisaspossibleandgatheringblankpassportstoburn.Grahamwasunderstrictordersnottoleaveherside,thoughifhepulledthetwelve-inchesrule,Iwasgoingtokickhisass.
Thenoisegrewthelowerwewentintheembassy,andIhadnodoubtthatmayhemruledthelobby.Thismomenthadcomequickerthananyintelligencehadspeculated,thoughtheinevitabilityofitstunglikeabitch.
“Yousureyoudon’twantheronanearlierhelicopter?”Elstonaskedasweenteredthesecondfloor.Izzy’sdoorwaswideopen,withParkerstandingguardandalineofciviliansformingdowntheothersideofthehallway.
“It’sagoodquestion,”Torresadded
“Youseethegridlockonthosestreets?”Iasked.
“PrettysureyoucanseethegridlockfromtheInternationalSpaceStation,”hereplied,hisgazesweepingthehallway.“Nothing’smovingoutthere.”
“Allthosepeoplefleeingtheircarsareheadedtotheairport.Apexalreadyhastwoteamsthereandsaidit’safuckingnightmare.Theplaceispurehavoc.Herflightisatten,andIdon’twantherinthatcircusanylongerthanshehastobe.Atleastwe’reinacontrolledenvironmenthere.”
“Forthemoment,”ElstonsaidaswewalkedintoIzzy’ssuite,passingParkeratthedoor.
“Forthemoment,”Iconceded.Thesecondthatchanged,shewasonthenexthelicopter,andIdidn’tgiveashitwhoIhadtothrowofftomakeroomforher.
ThepartofmeI’dneverwantedIzzytoseewasinfullforce,andshemightnotlikemymethods,butshe’dbealive,andthatwasenoughforme.
Ifoundherimmediately,sittingononesideofhersmalldiningtable,noddingatwhateverthecivilianacrossfromherwassaying.Gofigurethewomanhadhadherselfdeclaredaconsularofficersoshecouldhelpprocessasmanyinterviewsaspossible.
“She’sbeeninterviewingpeoplenonstopforthepasttwohours,”Grahamsaidquietly,comingtostandwithus.
“Didsheeatlunch?”Iasked,nottakingmyeyesoffher.TheredmybeardhadleftontheskinofherneckhadfadedtoalightroseinthehoursithadbeensinceI’dseenher.Thoughshewasallbusinessinacream-coloredblouseanddarkpants,herhairwoundinanefficientlowbun,Icouldn’tshakethevisionofherbeneathme,herhairfallingaroundhernakedbodyasshetoldmeshelovedme.
She.Loved.Me.
“Shedid.”
Inodded.Good.Whothehellknewwhatthefoodsituationwouldbelikeattheairport.
“Sheflyingoutmilitaryorcivilian?”Grahamasked,concernfurrowinghisbrow.
“Civilian.”Myjawflexed.“Upuntilafewhoursago,theyweretakingoffthemostfrequently.”
“Hmm.”GrahamwatchedasthecivilianwomanacrossfromIzzyroseandshookherhand.
“YougettingattachedtoMs.Astorthere,SergeantGray?”Elstonasked,hisbeardtwitchingashesmirked.
“I’mmoreattachedtoGreenoverherekeepinghisshittogether.”Hecockedhisheadtothesideasthecivilianpassedby,carryingherfile.“Plus,Ilikeher.She’snice.”
ImovedforwardasIzzystood,rollinghershoulders.
“Youdoingokay?”Iasked,forcingmyselftokeepmyhandsatmysides.Icouldn’tkissher.Nothere.Notunlesswewerealone.
“JusttryingtogetasmanypeoplethroughasIcan,”shesaid,smilingsoftlyatme.
Fuck,I’dmissedthatparticularsmile.Itwastheoneshegavemewhenshewasn’tjusthappyorlaughing,butcontent.“You’reremarkablycalmforsomeoneattheepicenterofawarzone.”
“SergeantGraygotaholdofSerenaforme.”Shegrinned.“She’shalfwayhere.”
“Checkpoints?”Iasked.
“They’vemadeitthrougheveryonesofar,andImayhave…”Shescrunchedhernose.
“Mayhavewhat?”Mystomachtightened
“MayhaveconvincedtheambassadortoacceptTaj’sinterviewoverthephoneinreturnformyservices.”Shewinced.“Imean,myinterviewservices,not…otherservices.”
“Iwouldhopenot.”Thecornerofmymouthtiltedupward.“SoTaj’svisaisgoodtogo?”
Shepivotedandleanedoverthetable.
Ididn’tlookatherass.
ButifIhad,thatwouldhavebeenokay,sinceshelovedme,right?
“Righthere.”Shewavedthepaperwork.“Ineedtoputitinmybag.”
Itookitfromherandstoreditinoneofmypockets.“I’llcarryit.Ifshitgoessouthfast,there’snotellingifyou’llgettotakeyourbag,butyoucanbetyourlifethatyou’llbetakingme.”
Hergazedroppedtomylips.“Iliketheideaofyoucomingwithme.”
Mystomachtwisted.“Asfarastheairport.”Ithadtobesaid.I’dhavenewordersthesecondIdeliveredhertosafety.
“Iknow.”Hersmileturnedsad,andIdebatedkickingmyselfforhavingtosayit.Sheglancedpastme.“Nextoneishere.”
“I’llleaveyoutoit.”Myhandcurled,butIdidn’tliftittobrushagainsthercheekthewayIwantedto.“StayclosetoSergeantGray.Ihavetogetthenextgrouptotheroof.”Shenodded,andIturnedawayfromher.“Don’tletheroutofyoursight,”IorderedGraham.
“She’snotleavingtheroomuntilit’stimetofly,”heagreed.
Makingmywayintothehallway,IfoundTorresnoddingtowardmyroom.
IglancedbackatElston.“Fiveminutes.”
Heagreed,andIwalkedintomyroom,Torresonmyheels,beforeIclosedthedoor.“Thecityisgoingtoshit,”Isaidtohim,throwingtherestofmystuffinmypacksoIwasreadytogo.
“Seemslikeit.”Hegrimaced,sittingontheedgeofthesmalldesk.
“What’sup?”IadjustedthechainaroundmynecksoitsatmorecomfortablyundermyKevlar.
“Checkingonyou.”
Myeyesnarrowedinhisdirectionasthefaintscentofsmokereachedmynose.They’dstartedburningsensitivedocuments.
“Hey.”Heputhishandsuplikehewasunderarrest.“Ifyourfocusisn’tjustonIzzy,butwrappedupinIzzy,thenyou’renotdoinganybodyanygoodoutthere.”
“I’mnotdistractedifthat’swhatyou’reimplying.”IheadedtothebathroomandtookcareofthatwhileIhadthechance.
“Ithinkit’sasafeassumption,”hesaidoverthesoundoftheflushingtoilet.
Iwashedmyhandsandshookmyhead.“I’mfine.”
“You’releavingherinamatterofhours,andspeakingfromexperience,you’realwaysalittlefuckedupafteryousaygoodbyetoher.”
Yankingopenthedoor,Ifull-onglaredatmybestfriend.“I’mnotalways—”
Hearchedadarkbrow.
Irelented.“Fine.It’s…”Isearchedfortherightwordthatwouldn’tgetmethrownatashrinkandoffthemission.“It’sconcerningtofindIzzyagain,comewithininchesofactuallyhavingherinmylife,andthensendherback,notjusttotheStates,butintothesamecyclewe’vebeenstuckinfortenyears.”
“Right.”Henodded,andIstartedtopace.
“Imean,isthisreallythebestwecando?”IletthefrustrationoutoftheboxI’dtuckeditinto,anditconsumedme.“Tenyears,andI’mgoingtowhat?Sayitwasamazingtoseeyouagain,andI’llseeifIhaveaweekendinsixmonths?”
“It’salwaysworkedforyoubefore.”
“It’sneverworkedforusbefore.That’sthedamnedproblem.Shewantsmore,andIcan’tgiveittoher.Shewantsthelife,thehouse,thedream—”
“Sodoyou.”Heshrugged.
Ihaltedinmysteps.“Idon’thavetimeforthis.”
“Oh,fuckoff.Thosearethesamethingsyou’vealwayswanted.Themilitarywasjustsupposedtobewhatgotyouthere,remember?BecauseIdo.YougotyourdegreeinEnglishspecificallysoyoucouldgoteachonceyouweredonewiththearmy.”Hefoldedhisarmsacrosshischest.“Diditeveroccurtoyouthatyou’reunhappybecauseyou’relivingalifeyouneverwanted?”
“No.”Ishookmyheadandglancedattheclock.Thehelowouldbebackintwentyminutes,andwehadtogetthenextgroupofevacueestotheroof.
“You’vebeenlyingtoyourselfforsolongthatit’sbecomethetruth.”Torressighedandrubbedhishandsoverhisface.“Youcarrythatringaroundbecauseitgivesyouhopethatonedayyou’llputitonherfinger.Onedayyou’llbedonewiththislife.Youliveforthedayyoucantakeyourshot.”
“Maybethere’snoshottotake.”Ikeptmyvoiceasevenaspossible,eventhoughmychestwasthreateningtocaveinonmyheart.“Maybeshedeservesbetter.”
“Fine.Youshowmeoneguyonthisplanetwhocanlovehermorethanyoudo,andwecanhavethatconversation.”Hisshouldersdrooped.“It’stimetomakeherthepromise.”
“Whatpromiseisthat?”Iscratchedmybeard.Acouplemoredaysanditwouldgetpasttheitchystage.
“Thepromisethatyou’regettingoutthistime.”Hesaiditlikeitwasthatsimple.
“YouthinkIshouldleavetheunit.”Thethoughtofitwas…shit,Icouldn’tevenexaminemyfeelingsthere,orImightnotlikewhatIfound.
“Ithinkdoingthis”—hegesturedaroundus—“wasneverreallyyourdream.Itwasalwaysmine,andI’mnotdenyingthatyoucarriedmethisfar,butman,youaregoingtolosethatwomanonceandforallifyoudon’tletitgo.”
Andthisconversationwasdone.Iturnedandwalkedthroughthedoorintothehallway,Torresfollowingafterwithalighterstep.
Elston’sbrowsrose.“Everythingokay?”
“No,”Torresmuttered.
“Absolutely.Let’sgetthenextgroup.”
Threehourslater,theatmospherehadmorethanshifted;ithadthickenedwiththescentofpanicandthesoundofgunfire.ThenewsthattheAfghangovernmenthadsurrenderedthecityrippedthroughtheembassylikewildfire.
Literally.
Theburnbucketshadbeenfilledandtorched,sendingplumesofblacksmokeintotheair,andthehelowasdueanymoment.
Itwastimetogo.
“Icanstillgetafewoftheirinterviewsdone,”IzzyarguedinhersuiteasIslippedtheKevlarvestontoherandfastenedthesides.Hersuitewasempty.
“Youcan’t.Everyonewhocanturnthoseinterviewsintovisashasleft.”Heloafterhelohadarrived,evacuatingtheessentialpersonnel,andweweregoingtobeonthenextone.Ididn’tgiveashitwhogotleftbehindforthenextflightaslongasitwasn’ther.
“Therearestillthousandsofpeoplehere!”
“Andthere’severychancethey’lldiehere.You’renotgoingtobeoneofthem.”Icuppedherfaceandkissedherhardandquick,thensetherhelmetonherhead.
“Icandothatmyself.”
“ButmaybeIliketo.”Iranthebacksofmyfingersdownhercheek.“Grabyourbackpack.”
“Yourbackpack,”shemuttered,slingingthepackoverhershoulders.
“Igaveittoyouwaytoolongagotoeverbeconsideredmineagain.Youhaveyourpassport?”Ineededheronthatplaneandoutofhere.
Sheshotmealook.“Ihavetraveledwithoutyou,Nate.”
“Fairpoint.”Iledhertothedoor,awareofthenoisecomingfromthehallway.“Twelveinches,Izzy.”
“Iknow.”Herbreathingpickedup,andfeardilatedherpupils.
“Let’sgetoutofhere.”Iheldoutmylefthandandshetookit,lacingourfingers.TherewaszerochanceIwasgoingtogetseparatedfromherinthemayhembeyondthesedoors.Iopenedthedoortofindmostofmyteamwaiting,blockingIzzy’sdoor.
Elstonwasalreadyontheroof,backinguptheteamofsnipers.
“Go,”Isaid.
Theysurroundedusandwemoved,cuttingthroughthecrowdthatranpastintermittently.
“We’releavingsomanypeoplebehind,”Izzysaid,herheadturningtowatchamansprintintheoppositedirection
“Thisisn’tthelasthelicopter,”Itoldher.
“It’spacked,”Grahamsaidoverhisshoulderasheopenedthedoortothestairwell.
“They’llmove,”Ianswered,leavingnoroomforinterpretationinmytone.Ikeptmydominanthandonmyrifleasithungfrommyshoulder.Noneedtoscaretheshitoutofpeopleunlessthesituationwarrantedit.
Henodded,andwepushedforward.
Grahamcutourwaythroughthecrowdasweclimbedthesteps,thescentofsmokethickerthehigherweclimbed.Therewereburnsgoinginalmosteverybuildingoftheembassy’scompound.OneblankpassportinthewronghandscouldleadtoanenemyonUSsoil,andthatwasanunacceptablerisk.
ItuggedIzzyclose,myheartbeatrisinginanunusualwayasIstudiedthecrowdaroundus,lookingforanyonewhodidn’tbelong,eventhoughIdamnwellkneweveryoneherehadbeenallowedentrancetotheembassyatsomepoint.Theguardsstillstoodoutside.
Weclimbedstoryafterstoryuntilwereachedtheroofaccess,bypassingeverysinglepersonwaitingontheinboundChinook.Maybeitmademeacallousasshole,butIhadexactlyonepriority,andthehundredsofpeopleleftwaitinginthestairwellweren’tit.
Notnow.
Izzystartledatthesoundofgunfireaswestoodinthedoorway.
“It’sprobablyjustcelebratory,”Itoldher.
“Whichiswhyyouhaveyourhandonyourrifle,”shemuttered,glancingattheteamaroundus.“Whyyouallhaveyourweaponsout.”
“Well,that’sjustincaseit’snotcelebratory,”Torressaid,bringinguptherearnexttoParker.
“It’sjustaprecaution,”Parkersaid.“Nothingtoworryabout.”
“Right.Justyourrun-of-the-millevacuation.”Izzysqueezedmyhand,andIstrokedmythumbovertheracingpulseinherwrist.
ThesoundofrotorsfilledtheairastheChinookapproached.
“Lookslikeourride,”Itoldher.
Thebirdlandedontheroof,windblastingusasthebackdoorlowered.
“IthinkIlikeditbetterwhenwetookofffromthesoccerfield,”Izzysaid.
“Metoo.”Isqueezedherhandonceandletitgo.“Stayrightbehindme.Twelveinches.”
Shenodded,andIliftedmyriflewithbothhands.
Wewalkedontotheexposedrooftop,andIsweptthebuildingsaroundme.Gettingtothebirdmeantwalkingclosertotheedgeofthebuilding,andIknewifIcouldseetheparadeofTalibanvehicleswiththeirwhiteflagsandmountedfifty-calsinthetruckbeds,thatmeantIzzycouldtoo.
TheGreenZonehadbeenbreached,andtheywereheadedinthedirectionoftheArg,thepresidentialpalace.TheembassymightbeUSproperty,butwewerefirmlywithinenemyterritorynow.
Iputmybodybetweenhersandtheedge,andkeptmyrifletrainedonthegroundbelow,scanningforlegitimatethreats.Elstonjoinedusasweboarded,climbingupthedoorandintotheChinook.
Keepingusneartheedgeoftheexitwhiletheothersloaded,Isatusdownoncewehitmaxcapacity,pullingIzzycloseagainstthehardmetaloftheaircraftasthebackdoorrose.I’dbeeninplentyofhelicopterswithplentyofbulletsflyingaround,butI’dneverhadthekindofanxietythatcreptupmythroatatthismoment.
Torresgavemeaknowinglookthroughthedimlightingaswelaunched,andIrefrainedfromflippinghimthebird.
Webothknewexactlywhatmyproblemwas.
IhadIzzytoworryabout.
Theairportwasahellscape.Cryingchildren,stunnedmen,andworriedwomenfilledtheterminal,andtheyweretheluckyones.
Theonesoutsidethefence,screamingtobeletin?Notsolucky.
WhenwegottoIzzy’sgate,mystomachtwisted.
Herflighthadbeencanceled.
Thereweren’tenoughswearwordsintheworldtonarratemythoughts,butIzzysimplytookadeepbreathandliftedherchin.“ThenIguessweshouldfindthetemporaryembassyhere.”
“Solidplan,”Elstonagreed.
Inodded,andwesetoffthroughtheever-growingpanicofacrowdpolicedbyUSandNATOsoldiers.Gateaftergatesaidthesamething,withpreciousfewgettingtheirflightsout.
“OhmyGod,”Izzysaid,stoppingdeadinthemiddleofthewalkwayandturningtowardthetelevision.
ThepresidentialpalacewasnolongerintheAfghangovernment’shands.
“Shit’sdeterioratingfast,”Grahamsaid.
“Fuckdeteriorating,shit’sgone,”Parkercorrected.“Accordingtothatnewssite,theairportandtheembassyaretheonlyplaceswehold.”
Andwhoknewhowlongwe’dhaveeither
“Let’sgo.”ItookIzzy’shand,givingexactlyzerocaresaboutwhoeversaw,andledusthroughtheairport,usingWebb’sdirectionstogetustothetemporaryembassysite.
Wewentfromacrowdthatborderedonhysteriatoadministrativehell.Cuttingthroughthelinesofdesperatecivilians,wepassedthroughthesmallbarricadeandweremetwiththeembassystaffwho’dalreadybeenevacuated.
“GuessI’llseewhoIcanhelp,”Izzysaid,flashingmeanuncertainsmileandcaressingthepalmofmyhandwithherthumbbeforelettingmego.
“Don’tleavethisarea,”Itoldher.“I’llseewhatIcanfindoutaboutflights.”
Shenodded,makingsureherclippedbadgewasvisiblebeforesheheadedofftowardthefirstclerk.
“Findoutabouthersister,”IorderedGraham.
Henodded,andIgottoworkfindingIzzyarideoutofthisplace.
UsuallyIlovedsunrisesandthepossibilitiestheybrought,buttoday’sseemedmorelikeanewvariantoflightingonthesamedamnedday.
We’dbeenherethirty-sixhours,whilethecityhadfallenintobedlamaroundus.Thereportscominginwereharrowing.Therewereoverahundredthousandpeopleinneedofevacuation,andnotasingleairplanecouldgetthemout.Whileacoupleofflightshadmanagedtodepartthenightwe’darrivedattheairport,everyflighthadbeenhaltedyesterday.
Izzyhadworkedherselftotheboneandwascurrentlyrackedoutonthefloor,usingherbackpackforapillowinwhatIfeltwasthesafestcornerofthetemporaryembassy.
“Didyoufindourgirlaflight?”Grahamaskedfrommyright,keepinghisvoicedownasIwatchedhersleepfromadozenfeetaway.
“Kindof.”Iwantedtoreplacethatbackpackwithmychest,toholdherforthelastfewminutesIhad.OurbriefingwithWebbanhouragohadgoneexactlyasI’dpredicted…anddreaded
“That’sabullshitanswer,”Grahamfiredback,hisbrowknitting.
“It’sabullshitsituation.”Thatwasputtingitlightly.“They’rehopingtogetclearancetoday,butuntiltheyopentherunwaysandclearthemofpeople,there’salmostnochanceofanyonegettingout.”
“Almost?”Heglancedsidewaysatme.
“We’renotexactlytheonlyUScompanyhere.”Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmychestandmemorizedherfacealloveragain,takingnoteofthepurpleshadowsbeneathhereyes.
“Ahh.”Grahamnodded,catchingmymeaning.“Gotcha.Doessheknowabouthersister?”
Ishookmyhead,mystomachsinking.“No.Andshe’snotgoingto.”
“You’renotgoingtotellheraboutthecheckpoints?Aboutthebulletholesinreporters?”Grahamliftedhisbrows,hisdarkeyesflaring.
“No.”IswallowedthelumpinmythroatthatseemedtohavetakenupresidencetheresinceIzzyarrivedincountry.“She’llnevergetontheplaneifsheknowsthatthere’sahighchanceSerenawon’t.”
Andasofanhourago,Icouldn’tevenstrapIzzyintoherseat.Ijusthadtoprayandtrustthatshe’dwalkontotheplane.
We’dbeenreassigned.
Izzyshifted,hereyesflutteringopenandfindingminewithinseconds.She’dalwayshadanuncannysenseofwhereIwas.MyribsfeltsotightIhalfexpectedthemtobreakfromtheacheinmychest.
Shesatupslowly,herloosebraidslidingoverhershoulder,butshedidn’tsmile.Whateverwasonmyfacehadgivenmeaway,andsheknewsomethingwasup.
HowthefuckwasIsupposedtodothis?
“Fiveminutes?”Grahamasked.
“Ten,”Torressaidfrombehindus.
“Ten,”Iagreed.Tenwouldneverbeenough,butitwasallwehad.
Grahamslappedmeonthebackandwalkedaway,headedtowardourassemblyarea
Istoodthere,myeyeslockedwithhers,strugglingtofindthewords.Wrong.Leavingherfeltwrongineverycellofmybody,andyettherewasexactlyjackandshitIcoulddoaboutit.Orderswereorders.
Iwasgettingsickofbeingputintoapositionwhereshecouldneverbemine,whenshealreadywasineverywaythatmattered.
IwalkedtowardIzzyasshestood,herfacesolemn.
“What’swrong?”sheasked.
Puttingmyhandonherlowerback,Iguidedhertothecorner,whereIcouldblockherbodyfromtheviewofembassyworkersinhopesofjustafewminutesofprivacy.
“Ihavetogo.”Everywordshreddedpartofmysoul.
Herlipsparted.“Okay.Whenwillyoubeback?”
“Iwon’t.”
Herdeep-browneyesflewwide.
“We’vebeenreassigned.Thereare—”Iswallowed.“Thereareplacesweneedtobeandthingsweneedtobedoing.”EvenifIcouldtellherwhatIwasabouttoheadinto,Iwouldn’t.Theworrywouldkillher.
EverythingaboutthenextfewhourscouldaltertherestofIzzy’slife.
“Oh.”Hershouldersfell.“That’sunderstandable.I’massafeasIcanbe,andyourskillsaredefinitelywastedbyhangingoutintheairport.”Shelookedupatme,forcingasmileI’dseenfartoomanytimesoverthelastdecade.ShegaveittomeeverytimeIhadtoleave.
“Listentomecarefully.”Itookhershouldersinmyhands.“Atthreeo’clock,someoneisgoingtocomegetyou.He’sgotamediumbuild,graybeard,andhe’llknowhowwemet.He’snotgoingtohavemycharmingwit,butheisgoingtoputyouonaplaneoutofhere.”
Herbrowknit.“Nate,noplanesaregettingoutofhere.”
“Evenifthat’strue,thisonewill.Companyplanestendtogowherevertheywantwhenevertheywant.He’llgetyoustateside.”Myhandslidtocupthesideofherneck.Herskinwassosoft.
Sheblinked.“Andtheyhaveroomforme?”
“You’reacongressionalaide.Trustme,theyhaveavestedinterestinyougettinghomeasquietlyaspossible.”IzzywasaPRnightmarejustwaitingtohappen.
“AndSerena?”Thehopeinhereyesguttedme.
“HehasaseatforSerena.Tajtoo.”IthadtakencallingineveryfavorI’deverearned,buthersafetywasallthatmattered.“Ifyoursisterisn’tbackbythreeo’clock,youhavetogetontheplaneanyway.”Ilookeddeepintohereyes,willinghertoagree,tobepliableforonceinherdamnedlife.
Herchindrewbackassheopenedhermouth,andIslidmyhandacrossherchin,runningmythumbacrosshersoftlips
“Please,Izzy.Youhavetogo.It’sgoingtobethehardestthingyou’lleverdo.Butyouhavetogetontheplane.”Ileaneddownsoourfaceswereonlyinchesapartandcradledthebackofherhead.“Eventuallytheairportwillbesurrendered,andIwon’tbehereforyou.Youhavetogetoutofhere.Ineedyoutogetoutofhere.”
“Ican’tleaveher,”shewhispered,hervoicebreaking.
“Youcan.Youwill.It’swhatshewouldwant.”Ifshewasstillalivetowant.
“Ican’tleaveyou.”Sheshookherhead.
“Youdon’thavetowhenI’mtheonealwaysgoing.”
“Icanwaitanotherday,”sheprotested,handsgrippingmyarms.
“Youcan’t.”Itouchedmyforeheadtohersandbreatheddeeply.“DoyourememberwhenIasked,ifyouknewtheworldhadtwenty-fourhoursbeforesomecalamitystruck,wherewouldyougo?Andyousaidthatyou’dgowhereveryoucouldbethemosthelp?”
“Thisisnotthetimeforthetriviagame,Nate.”Shepulledmecloser,tearsfillinghereyes.
“Doyouremember?”
“Yes.”Shenodded.“ItwaswhenwewereleavingKandahar.”
“Askme.”
Herlowerliptrembled.“Ifyouknewtheworldhadtwenty-fourhoursbeforesomecalamitystruck,wherewouldyougo?”
“Iwouldgowhereveryouare.IknewitthatnightinTybee.Hell,Iprobablyknewitthesecondyoureachedformyhandinthatplane.Thereisnoforceonearththatwouldkeepmefromyou.”Ikissedhersoftly.“That’swhyyouhavetogetontheplane,Izzy.Iwon’tbeabletothink,tofocus,towalksomuchastwelvefeetawayfromyouifIdon’tknowyou’reheadedtosafety.”
“We’remagnets,right?”Shewoundherarmsaroundmyneck.“Alwaysfindingeachother.”
“Andwewillfindeachotheragain,Ipromise.”OneofmyhandsfelltothegentleslopeofherwaistasIfoughttheemotionsthreateningtopullmeunder.“Wehaven’thadourshotyet.”
Surginguponhertoes,shekissedme.
Islantedmymouthoverhersandtookitlikeitcouldbethelasttime,leavingusbothbreathinghardwhenIfinallyfoundthefortitudetoliftmyhead.“Iloveyou,IsabeauAstor.Promisemeyou’llgetontheplane.IknowyouwanttostayforSerena,butIneedyoutoleaveforme.”
“Promisemeyou’llcomehome.”
“IpromiseIwillcomehome.Iwillfindyou.Wewillhaveourshot.”MychestburnedwithhowmuchIlovedher,howharditwastowalkawayfromherinanysituation,letaloneinthisplace.
“Iloveyou.”Sheheldmeeventighter,andIpressedahardkisstoherforehead,tryinglikehelltobreathedeeplyenoughtominimizetheburninmyeyes.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.
ThenIlethergo,andherarmsfellawayasIsteppedback,takingonelastlookatherbeforeturningaroundandforcingmyfeettomove,mylegstocarrymeawayfromher.
“I’msorry,”Torressaid,pushingoffthewallasIwalkedpasthim.“Iknowwhatsheistoyou.”
Everything.Shewaseverything.“IfIaskedyoutogowithher,wouldyou?”
“IfIcould,thenyouknowIwould.”HeshotmealooksofullofremorsethatIhadtolookaway.“ButIcan’t,Nate,andyouknowwhy.”
“Yeah.”IgrabbedthepackI’dleftneartheentrancetothetemporaryembassyandslungitovermyshoulders,boxingupeveryemotionIpossiblycould.Nowwasn’tthetimetoloseitoverIzzy.NowwasthetimetoactforIzzy.“Unfortunately,Ido.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE
IZZY
Kabul,Afghanistan
August2021
IwatchedtheclocktickawaytheminutesafterNateleft,thenthehours,pullingmyselftogethersoIcouldhelpwhereverpossible.
Thereweretoomanypeopleandnotenoughhelpers.
Thepanicwaspalpable,andasflightsbegantotakeoffagain,thatenergytransformedintopuredesperation.Desperationtofindmissingfamilymembers.Desperationtoobtainavisalongsincesubmittedfor.Desperationtogetaseatonanyplanethatwasgoinganywherebuthere.
Ilookedupeverypossibleminute,searchingformysisterinaseaoffacesbutneverfindingher.Natewasgone.SerenawasGodknewwhere,andtherewasnothingIcoulddotohelpeitherofthem.
Aftertellingthetwelfth—ormaybeitwasmore,Ilostcount—previousmilitaryinterpreterthatIcouldn’tdoanythingtospeeduphispaperwork,Ifeltdefeatedineveryway.
Threeo’clockcamebeforeIwasready,andbeforeIcouldmotiontothenextpersoninline,amanappearedatmyleft.
Amanwithasalt-and-pepperbeard,dressedincargopantswithaweaponinathighholster,ablackshirt,andaKevlarvest.
“IsabeauAstor?”heasked.
“SergeantGreensentyou,”Iguessed,afissurecrackinginmyheart.
“Webothknowhisnameisn’tSergeantGreen,butsure.”Henoddedwithatightsmile.“Saidhemetyouduringaplanecrash.”
Inodded.“It’stimetogo,isn’tit?”
“Itis.”Therewasahealthydoseofcompassioninhiseyes.“I’mguessingyoursisterdidn’tshow?”
Istaredoutoverthecrowdofwaitingpeopleandshookmyhead.
“I’msorry,butwecan’twait.”
“Iunderstand.”Itwasonthetipofmytonguetoturnhimdown,tostayanddowhatIcouldforaslongasIcould,butthelookonNate’sfaceflashedacrossmymind.
Iwon’tbeabletothink,tofocus,towalksomuchastwelvefeetawayfromyouifIdon’tknowyou’reheadedtosafety.
He’dspentthelastelevendaysriskinghislifetoprotectme.
MaybeI’dfailedtobringSerenahome,tohelpherinterpreter,tohelp…anyofthesepeople.ButIcouldmakeitsoNatewouldn’tfail.
“Okay.”Inodded,thentookTaj’svisaandgaveittotheembassyofficeratthestationnexttome.Pullingmybackpackon,IlookedupatthemanNatehadsentforme.Themanhe’dentrustedmeto.“I’mready.”
Iwasn’t,butIwouldgo.IwoulddoitforNate.
Becausehelovedme.Becausehe’dcarriedmyringforthreeyears.Becausehe’dpulledmefromthatplane.BecauseIhadn’theldontohimwhenIshouldhave,andI’dregrettedthatchoiceeversince.
Ifollowedthenamelessmanthroughtheairportanddidn’tlookawayfromthesuffering,thefearetchedintoeveryface.Iborewitness,lettingeachperson’sexpressiontouchme,markme,becauseSerenawasn’theretodoso.
“Idon’tsupposethatifIwantedtogivemyseattosomeoneelse,you’dletmedothat?”Iaskedasheledmeoutontothetarmac.
“IpromisedyourmanI’dtieyouintotheseatmyselfifthat’swhatittooktogetyouontheplane.”Acornerofhismouthrose.“Andyou’llfindI’mnotquiteasmoralisticasheis.I’lldoit.”
Wewalkedacrossthescalding-hotconcrete,andIlookedthroughtheshimmeringwavesofheatatthemountainsI’dthoughtweresobeautifulwhenwe’dlandedhereelevendaysago.
Elevendayswasallithadtakenformyworldtobeshakenlikeasnowglobe.NowallIcoulddowassitbackandwatchtoseewheretheflurrieslandedandhopeIrecognizedthelandscape.
Wewalkedsilentlytowardatallmetalfencecoveredwithawindguard,andIwishedlikehellI’ddevelopedNate’sincredibleskillofcompartmentalizing.Instead,IfeltanacutesenseoflosswitheverystepItookawayfrommysister,fromNate.HowcouldIleavethetwopeopleIlovedmostintheworld?
Themannoddedtoaguard,whoswungopentheleftsideofamassivegatetoallowuspassage.
Anunmarkedsilverplanewaitedbeyondthefence.
“It’sanadaptedHercules,”themanexplainedtome,eventhoughIhadn’tasked.
“It’slovely,”Ianswered,unsureofwhattosay.
Helaughed.“Youcertainlyareapolitician,aren’tyou?”
“Notreally.”EvenwhenIhadbeen,I’ddoneitforallthewrongreasons.
Heledmeupthestairsandintotheplane,whichhadbeenoutfittedwithnotonlyair-conditioningbutalsoaseriesofseats,threeoneachside,stretchingbackforadozenrows.Almosteveryseatwasalreadyfull.
“You’rethere.”Hepointedtothefrontrowontherightsideoftheplane,wheretwoseatsremainedopen.
“Thankyou.”
“Don’tmentionit.”Hisbrowslifted.“AndImeanthat.Don’tmentionit.”
Inodded.Iwasn’tsonaivethatIdidn’tunderstandtherepeateduseofcompanywhenNatetoldmeabouttheflight.
Thewindowseatwasopen,soItookit,justtoprovetomyselfthatIcould.I’dflownalloverthiscountrylookingoutthewindowofaBlackhawkhelicopter.SurelyIcouldmakeitoutofheresittingatthewindow.
IfittheseatbeltovermyhipsandtriednottothinkaboutthefactthatNateandSerenawerestilloutthere.Buttherewasanemptyseat…
Myheartscreamedwithlonging.I’dbeenontoomanyplaneswithanemptyseatoverthelastfouryears,constantlywaitingforNatetoappear.
ThistimeIknewtherewasnochanceofthat,anditsomehowhurtevenworse.
Unzippingmybackpackformyheadphones,Iblinkedatthebookthathadbeenshovedinside.ItwasNate’scopyofTheColorPurple,theonehe’dbeenreadingwhenIfirstarrived.Iclutchedthebooktomychestandtriedmybesttosmotherasobassomeoneclosedthedoorontheright.
Aminuteortwolater,theplanebegantorollforwardslowly,andmythroatclosedsotightitwashardtobreathe.
“Forgiveme,”Iwhispered,butIwasn’tsurewhoIwasbegging.Nate?Serena?EveryoneI’dleftbehindwhodidn’thaveaseatonasecretplane?
Thenthemovementstopped,andIlookedoutthewindow,buttherewasnolinefortakeofforanything.Someonewalkedbackoutofthecockpitandworkedthedoor,openingitwithquickefficiencyandloweringthesteps.
“Let’sgo!”thepilotshouted,leaningoutthedoor.
Hebackedupamomentlaterastwofiguresburstthroughthedoorandintotheplane.
TajandSerena.
Thankyou,God.
Shehadablackeyeandthesleeveofherblueshirtwasbloody,butshewashere,movingtowardmewithawaterysmile.Tajwasinfarworseshapeashewalkedbackthroughthecenteraisletotheemptyseatafewrowsback.
Shecollapsedintotheemptyseatbesideme,droppingherbagbetweenherkneesbeforeturningtowardmeandyankingmeclose.
“Youmadeit,”Iwhispered,droppingthebooktomylapandholdinghertightasthepilotclosedthedoor.
“ThankstoNateandhisteam,”sheanswered,pullingbacklongenoughtolookmeover,likeIwastheonewho’dclearlybeenbeaten.
“What?”
“Nate’steamcameouttothecheckpointtheywereholdingusat,”sheexplained.“They’retheonlyreasonwe’rehere.”Shestrokedmyhairback.“Well,NateandyoupushingTaj’svisathrough.”
Theplanestartedtorollagain,andSerenaleanedforward,openingherbagandtakingsomethingout.Shepresseditintomyopenpalmandlookedmeintheeye.“Hesaidtotellyouthathelovesyou,andthathe’llbeintouchwhenit’stimetotakeyourshot.”
Myheartjolted,andIlookeddownatmyhand.
Itwasthechainandthetapedtag.
Ifellbackagainstmyseatandletthetearscomeastheplaneheadeddowntherunway,Serenaholdingmyotherhandaswelaunchedintotheair,leavingNatebehind.
“He’llbeokay,”Serenapromised.
“Ilovehim.”
“Anyoneinthesameroomasyoutwoknowsthat,”shesaid.“What’sthenecklace,anyway?”sheasked,leaningtoretrievehercamerafromherbag.Shewasluckytohavemadeitout,letalonewithherequipment.
Igentlypeeledbackthelayersofthetapeuntilmyringappeared.“It’sourshot.”
“Thatisgorgeous.”Sheblinked,thenopenlygawkedthroughtheeyethatwasn’tswollenshut.
“Yeah,itis.”
Herbrowfurrowed.“Isthatadogtag?”
“Notsure,”Isaid,forcingthetapefromtherestofthemetal.“Natetoldmeheonlytooktheringonmissionsthatdidn’thavetobesanitized,but—”Islippedmyengagementringontomyrighthandtokeepitsafe,thenwipedthenamecleanofthestickyresidue.“It’snothis.”
“It’snot?”Sheglancedmyway,clickingthroughthepicturesonherviewscreen.
“No.”Ihadn’tbeentheonlypersonNatehadbeencarryingwithhim.
ThetagreadTORRES,JULIAN.
“Iwaswrong,”Iwhispered.I’dalwaysassumedthatJulianwasRowell,whichwenttoshowjusthowlittleIknewaboutthetimeNateandIhadspentapartalltheseyears.
“LookwhatIgotaboutanhourago.”Sheangledthecamera’sscreentowardme.
ItwasaprofileshotofNate.Myheartclenchedatthestubbornsetofhisjaw,theperfectsculptureofhislips.
“Youknow,”Serenasaidquietly,“Icouldpublishthis,andhe’dbeoutoftheunit.”
Mygazejumpedtohers.Onesimpleactionwouldchange…everything.We’dactuallyhaveachanceatbeingtogether.Butatwhatcost?
“He’dprobablybepissed—”
“No.”Ishookmyhead,myfingerscurlingaroundthedogtag.“IfNategetsout,thathastobehischoice.”Iwouldn’tmakethatdecisionforhiminNewYork,andIwouldn’tmakeitnow.Iwouldtakehimhoweverhechosetocometome.
“Anduntilthatmagicalday?”Serenaasked.
“I’llwait.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWO
NATHANIEL
FortBragg,NorthCarolina
September2021
ItookadeepbreathasIstoodintheemptyhallway,facingthedoorI’dbeenscheduledtowalkthroughforthepasttwoweeks.Foolishly,I’dthoughtmakingtheinitialcallwouldbethehardest,butitwasn’t.Standinghere,staringattheclinicallettersbesidethedoor,decidingwhetherornottoturnthehandle,wasinfinitelyharder.
Theclinicdidn’thavethatoversanitizedsmellthatcamewithhospitals,butwe’dneverbeenseenbytypicaldoctorseither.
“Youcandoit,”Torressaidfrommyleft.
“IfIdo,it’sover,”Ireplied,keepingmyvoicelow.“Youknowthey’llkickmeoutoftheunit.”
“Yeah.Andthenmaybeyou’llstartlivingforyou.Getsomehelpforthosenightmares,too,soyou’renotterrifiedtosleepnexttoyourgirl.You’renotyourdad.You’renevergoingtobeyourdad.Butstill…youneedthehelp.Youshouldprobablyfigureoutwhattodowiththatfarmofyours.”
Iglancedoverathim,myhandreachingforthedoorknob.
“Yougottaletgo,Nate,”hesaid,offeringmeasmile.“You’vecarriedshitthatisn’tyoursfortoolong.Thatguilt?Notyours.Thecareeryou’renotactuallythatfondof?Notyours.ButIzzy?She’stheonewho’syours.Soifyouwon’twalkthroughthatdoorforyourself,considerdoingitforher.”
Izzy.
IthadbeensixweekssinceI’dleftherattheKabulairportsoIcouldgivehertheonethingIknewsheneeded—Serena.Imissedherwitheverybreath,andyetIknewitwasn’ttimeyet.
Ifwehadoneshot,thenIcouldn’tblowit.
ItookonelastlookatTorresandthenIopenedthedoorandwalkedthrough.
Dr.Williamsonlookedupfromhisdeskwithaprofessionalsmileandmotionedtothechairsinfrontofhisdesk.“How’sitgoing,Phelan?”
UsuallyIwouldhavetoldhimIwasfine.ThatIwassleeping,eating,andrelaxingjustlikeIwassupposedto.
Butlyinghadn’tgottenmeanywhere,somaybeitwastimethatItoldthetruth.
Isankintothechairandlookedthedoctorintheeye.“I’vebeentalkingtomybestfriendasacopingmechanismforthestress,thedeployments,the…everything.”
Henodded,leaningbackinhischair.“Thatsoundsprettynormal.”
“Yeah,excepthe’sbeendeadforfouryears.Thinkyoucanhelpme?”Igrippedmykneesandwaitedforhisanswer.
“Yes,”hesaid.“IthinkIcanhelpyou.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE
IZZY
Washington,DC
October2021
Isettledintomyseatandstoredmybag,thenclickedmyseatbeltasmyfellowpassengersboardedaroundme.
ForthefirsttimesincePalau,I’dpackedafullsuitcase.Swimsuits,cover-ups,sundresses,allofit.Ihadn’theardfromNatesinceleavingKabul,andsure,mypulseskyrocketedwhenIthoughtoftheminutepossibilityofhimactuallymeetingmeatthelayoverstop.Butevenifhedidn’t—whichwasmorethanlikely—IwasgoingtocheckintoourbungalowintheMaldives,sleepuntilnoon,lieoutinthesun,anddreamabouthim.
Becausethat’swhathewouldhavewantedmetodo.
Iwasprettydamnsurehewasstilldeployed,giventhestateoftheworld,andashe’dtoldme,therewouldalwaysbesomewheretheywereneeded.
Somewhereinthelastsixweeks,betweenwatchingmyphoneforacallthatdidn’tcomeandstaringatmydoorwhenmydarkestthoughtsgotthebestofme,I’dcometoaconclusion.IfIwantedtobewithNate,reallyhonestlybewithhim,thenIneededtwothings:strengthandpatience.
Strengthtoknowthathelovedme,andhe’dcometomewhenhecould,andpatiencetowaitforthosedays.
Oh,andalittlemorefreedomfromthejobIactuallyabhorredwhenpushcametoshove.
ItookoutthenovelI’dpickedupintheairportbookstoreandcrackedopenafreshhighlighterasthecoupleacrosstheaisletooktheirseats.BythetimeNategothome,I’dhaveafulllibraryofmarked-upbooksforhimtodevour.
WheneverNategothome.
Thesunshonethroughthecloudsforamoment,streaminginthewindowbesidemeandmakingthediamondonmyrighthandsparkle.Aringlikethatwasn’tmeanttobecoveredbyelectricaltapeandhiddenaway.Itwasmadetoshine,whichitwoulddofrommyrighthanduntilNateeithertookitbackorslidittomyleft.
Icrossedmylegsandleanedback,readingthefirstpage.
“Excuseme,butmayIwalkpast?”Hisdeepvoiceslidovermelikethesoftestsilk,andmyheartjoltedasIslowlyloweredthebookandlookedup.
Itwasn’thim.Itcouldn’tbehim.
Butitwas.
“Ihavethewindowseat.”Hesmiled,flashingthatdimpleatme,andmyjawdroppedasheslidrightpastmetosinkintotheseatonmyright.
“You…”MybreathscameerraticallyasIlookedintomyfavoritepairofblueeyes.“You’renotsupposedtomeetmeuntilBoston.”
“Iswitchedflights.”Hisshouldersroseandfellinashrug.“FiguredifweweregoingtospendaweekintheMaldives,weshouldgetasmuchtraveltimetogetheraspossible.”
Inodded,becauseofcoursethatmadesense…inaworldwhereNatewasn’tconstantlydeployed.Aworldwhereheactuallyshowedupontheflightshescheduled.
“ThereareafewthingsIneedtotellyou.”Thesmilefellawayfromhisface.
“Well,itappearsthatwehavetime.”Iclosedthebookandturnedtowardhim.“ThereareafewthingsIshouldtellyoutoo.”
“Oh?”Hereachedoverandtookmyhand.Thesimplecontactwasabsoluteheaven.
“Ireallyhatebeinginpolitics.”Iscrunchedmynose.
“That’snotnews.”Histhumbmovedinsmall,reassuringcirclesonmyskin.
“Imayhavequitmyjob.”Itcameoutarushedwhisper.
Hegrinned.“Funnyyoushouldmentionthat.Imayhavequitminetoo.”
MylipspartedasIlookedforwords.Anywords.
“Itwastime.”Heliftedhishandtomyfaceandcuppedmycheek.“Iamwildlyinlovewithyou,andIdon’twanttobeyourpossibilityanymore.I’mnotleavingusuptofate.”
Ileanedintohispalmandstaredathim,terrifiedtoclosemyeyes,scaredthatthiswouldallbeadreamandI’dwakealoneinmybed,reachingforafigmentofmyimagination.
“Ithinkit’sabouttimewetookourshot.Whatdoyousay?”Hisgazedroppedtomymouth.“Imean,youshouldprobablyknowthatI’mgoingthroughsometherapy,andthatmightnotbesomethingyouwanttostickaroundthrough—”
“Yes.”Inodded,myheartpumpingsowildlyIhalfexpectedittoburstoutofmychest.“Isayyes.Let’stakeourshot.Let’sgoslowormovefast.Let’sdoeverythingwetalkedaboutanddreamupnewstuff.Idon’tcarewhereweliveorwhatwedo,aslongasIgettodoitwithyou.Iloveyou.”
“Izzy?”Heleanedacrossthearmrestastheplanerolledbackward,leavingthegate.
“Nate?”Imovedcloser.
“I’mgoingtokissyounow.”
Ismiledashismouthmetmine,thensighedwhenhedeepenedthekissandkeptgoingallthroughtakeoff.Bythetimeweliftedourheads,wewerefarabovetheclouds.
Ididn’tknowwhatthisnewfuturelookedlike,butIknewitwasours.
Andthatwaseverything.EPILOGUE
NATHANIEL
Maine
Fiveyearslater
TheSeptembersuncamethroughthepinetreesinsplotchesastheyswayedaboveus,rustlinggentlyinthebreezeaswesatbeneaththemonathickblanket.
Mylegswerestretchedoutinfrontofme,Izzy’sheadinmylap.
Itwasmyfavoritewaytocatchuponourwork.
FallinMainewasmyfavoritetimeofyear.Ithadbeentheperfectplaceforustostartourforever.Pinetrees,enoughroomfrombothourfamiliestobreathe,andeachother.IknewIzzymissedSerena,butshespentmostofhertimeoutonassignment,andtheyalwaysmadetimetoseeeachotherwhenSerenawasactuallyintheUS.
Imarkedastudent’spaper,commentingontheuniquetwistshe’dusedinheranalysisofMacbeth,whileIzzyreadthroughwhatlookedtobeabriefingshewasfilingonbehalfofalocalnonprofit.
Peace.ThefeelingcoursingthroughmewasexactlywhatI’dbeensearchingformyentirelife,anditexistedwhereverIzzywas.
Finishingthatparticularpaper,Itookamomenttobrushbackherhair.Itdidn’tmatterhowmanydaysIhadwithher.ShealwaysseemedmorebeautifuleverytimeIsawher.
Sheputherbriefingdown,thesuncatchingonthediamondandgoldbandonherlefthand,andshesmiledupatme.“Almostdone?”
“Threemore.You?”
Sheflippedthedocumentover,glancingatthelength.“Probablytenminutes.”
“Anyplansforyourafternoon?”Itrailedmyfingersdownherbarearm.Touchinghernevergotoldeither.Itwasmyfavoritethingtodo.Well,excepttalkingtoher.Orkissingher.BasicallyanythingthatinvolvedIzzy,Iwasdownfor.
“Nothingcomestomind.”Sheslippedahandundermyshirt,andmystomachtightened.“Why?Anythingyoufeellikedoing?”
“Iwasthinkingaboutcarryingyoubacktobedandspendingtherestofthedayworshippingyourbody.”
Herlipsparted,andshescrambledtoherfeet.“Yep.Thatsoundslikeaplan.”
“Can’twaitanothertenminutes?”Ilaughed,alreadygrabbingmypileofpapersandtheblanketwe’dbeensittingon.
“Nope.”Shebackedawaywithanirresistiblegrin,headingtowardthebackdoorofourhouse.“Workcanwait.”
“I’veneveragreedmore.”Ichasedheruptothehouseand,onceIcaughther,liftedherintomyarms,tanglingherupwiththeblanket.
Thepapershitthefloorwiththebriefingoncewemadeitinthedoor.
ThenmyhandswerefullofIzzy.
Shewasright.Workcouldwait.
Wefinallyhadforever.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Firstandforemost,thankyoutomyHeavenlyFatherforblessingmebeyondmywildestdreams.
Thankyoutomyhusband,Jason,forhandlingourlifewhenIdisappearintothewritingcave.WritingthisputmerightbackinthefeelsofthoselongyearsyouspentinAfghanistanandIraq.I’mimmeasurablygratefulforeachofthetwenty-twoyearsyouspentinuniform,butevenmorethankfulforthedayswehavetogethernowthatyou’reretired.Thankyoutomychildren,whodon’tbataneyewhenI’mondeadlineandalwaysinspireme.Thankyoutomysister,Kate—growingupasamilitarybratiswayeasierwithafriendlikeyou.ThankyoutotheoneandonlyEmilyByer,becauseyoualwayscall.
ThankyoutoLaurenPlude,LindseyFaber,andtheteamatMontlakeformakingthisallhappen.Youguysareadreamtoworkwith!Tomyphenomenalagent,LouiseFury,whomakesmylifeeasiersimplybystandingatmyback.
Thankyoutomywifeys,ourunholytrinity,GinaL.MaxwellandCindiMadsen,whoalwaysanswerwhenIcall.ThankyoutoShelbyandCassieforputtingupwithmyunicornbrainandbeingthebesthypegirlsIcouldeveraskfor.ThankyoutoK.P.Simmonforshowingupnotonlyinbusinessbutasafriend.Toeverybloggerandreaderwhohastakenachanceonmeovertheyears—youmakethisindustrywhatitis.Tomyreadergroup,theFlygirls,forgivingmeasafespaceintheWildWestoftheinternet.
Lastly,becauseyou’remybeginningandend,thankyouagaintomyJason.Noneofthiswouldbepossiblewithoutyourloveandsupport.Iknowthehelicopterpilotsinthisonedon’thaveanylines,butthere’salittleofyouineveryheroI