Copyright(C)2023KandiSteiner
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystemwithoutpriorwrittenconsentoftheauthorexceptwherepermittedbylaw.
Thecharactersandeventsdepictedinthisbookarefictitious.Anysimilaritytorealpersons,livingordead,iscoincidentalandnotintendedbytheauthor.
PublishedbyKandiSteiner
EditedbyElaineYork/AllusionPublishing
CoverPhotographybyRenSaliba
CoverDesignbyKandiSteiner
FormattingbyElaineYork/AllusionPublishingDedication
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
ChapterThirty-Seven
ChapterThirty-Eight
ChapterThirty-Nine
ChapterForty
ChapterForty-One
Epilogue
ANoteFromtheAuthor
OntheRocks–SneakPeek
OntheRocks–ChapterOne
OntheRocks–ChapterTwo
MorefromKandiSteiner
Acknowledgements
AbouttheAuthorTothegirlswholove
tattoos,
videogames,
fuckingshitup,
andhot,cocky,infuriatingplayboys.
Thisone’sforyou.Then
Mary
AskingforHalo5formyfifteenthbirthdaywasthebiggestmistakeofmyadolescentlife.
Firstofall,mymotheraboutfaintedwhenIdid.ItwashardenoughtogethertoevenallowmetohaveanXboxwithafewsingle-playerfantasygames,andthatwasbecauseshethoughtitwasaphaseIwouldgrowoutof.ButaskingforanXboxLivesubscriptionandagameIcouldplaywithpeoplearoundtheworldwhereourmaingoalwastokilleachother?
Mypoormotherdidn’tknowwhattodowiththat.
“Whataboutcheerleading?Whatabouthangingoutwithyourfriends,shoppingatthemall,boys?”She’daskedeachquestionmorefranticallythanthelast,allthehopedwindlinginhereyes.
Fortunately,IhadDad,whoIthinkknewfromwhenIwasayoungagethatIwasnotgoingtobewhatheandMompictured.
Momwantedacheerleaderanddebutantejustlikeher.Shewantedherdaughtertorushthesamesororityshe’dbeenapartofincollegeanddreamedofplanningahugeweddingdaywithafluffywhitedress.
Dadwantedmetobeinacquisitions,justlikehimandmyolderbrother,Matthew,whowasincollegeanddestinedtofollowinhisfootsteps.Tobefair,Ididgetmysassfrommydad,andmytakenoshitattitude.Butusingthoseskillstoberuthlessinabusinessmergerwasnotexactlyonmyradar.
No,whattheygotinsteadofallthatwasanemokidwithalovefordoodlingandadreamofbeingatattooartist.
Butthat’snotevenwhyHalo5wasthebeginningofmydemise.BecauseasmuchasMomhatedit,Dadencouragedherthatitwasfineformetoplay.Goodforthebrainmuscles,hejokinglysaidoverdinnerasMomangrilychewedanasparagussprig.
Andso,onmyfifteenthbirthday,Irippedopenthepresentshapedlikeavideogamefirstandsquealedwithdelight,abandoningallmyothergiftsandrunningbacktomyroomtoplayimmediately.
Ittookmeawhiletofigurethegameout,butnottoolongtorealizethatIwasyearsbehindmostofthepeopleIwasplayinglivewith.Notthatthatdeterredme.Iwasateenageronsummerbreakwithallthetimeintheworld.AndiftherewasanythingIlovedmorethandrawingorgaming,itwasachallenge.
IplayedasmuchasIcouldthosefirstfewweeksofsummervacation,levelingupandhoningmyskills.Itwasn’tunusualformetostillbeawakewhenDad’salarmwentoffforhimtogointothecity.He’dpophisheadintomyroom,smile,andwarnmetoatleastpretendIwassleepingwhenMomgotup.
Ilovedthatsummer.Ilovedthefeelingofawinningstreak,ofstayingupuntilthesunrose,ofsurprisingmyteamwhenIspokeintomyheadsetandtheyrealizedIwasagirl.Atschool,Iwasanobody,aloser,justanotheroverweightteenagerwithacneandbadteethandbaggyclotheswholostmoreandmorefriendsasshediscoveredhertrueinterests.
Butonline?Iwasabadass.
Iwasalmostagod—orgoddess—whenIwasplayingHalo.IcontrolledwhatIlookedlike,whoIplayedwith,andwhatahugepartIwasofourteam’svictory.Peoplewantedmeontheirteam.Theywantedtoplaywithme.Theywantedtobeme.
Everythingwasgoinggreat.
Andthen,amonthandahalfaftermybirthday,whensummerwasinfullswingbutschoolwasloomingontheothersideofit,IwaspoppedintoagamewiththeabsolutelastpersonIeverexpected.
LeoHernandez.
AnyonewhowenttomyhighschoolknewwhoLeowas.Everygirlknewhismessyhair,hiscrookedsmile,hislean,muscularbody,hisgoldenskinandinfectiouslaugh.Everyboyknewhisspeedandagility,theeasewithwhichheexcelledonthefootballfieldandoffit,too.HewasastarathletewithadadwhousedtoplayintheNFL.Hewaspopular.Hewasfunny.Hewasrich.
Hewasthekindofboywhocouldsmileatyouandmakeyoufeelliketheonlygirlintheworld.
LittledidIknowhewasalsotheboywhowouldruinmylife.
Iknewitwashimassoonashisusernamepoppedup:leohernandez13.Sure,therehadtobeotherLeoHernandez’sintheworld,butthat13gavehimaway.ItwashisjerseynumbersinceheplayedPeeWee,andiftherewasanydoubtleftthatitwashim,itwasobliteratedwhenhisfamiliarvoicerangoutinthechat.
“Who’sreadytoteabagsomenewbs?”
Istayedquiettheentiregame,internallyfreakingoutthatIwasplayingwithLeoeventhoughIwishedmorethananythingtobeunaffectedbyhim.Icouldn’thelpit.Iwasateenagegirl,andthefirsttimeI’dseenhimriphisjerseyoffafterafootballgamehadbeenmysexualawakening.
Ofcourse,likemostofthestudentbody,hehadnoideawhoIwas.
Attheendofourgame,Leodenouncedeveryoneonourteamfor“suckingass.”
Exceptforme.
Andthenhechangedmyworldwiththreewords.
“Octostigma,wannasquad?”
Octostigmawasmyusername,oneI’dpattedmyselfonthebackforthinkingofbecauseitwassocoolandcreativeandelusive,andnoonehadevenremotelythesameone.ItwascombiningtwothingsIloved—octopus,thecoolestanimalontheplanet,andstigma,whichwastheancientGreektermfortattoo
HearingLeoHernandezsaythatusername,hearinghimaskmetoplaywithhim?
Anotherawakening.
Everythinghappenedfastafterthat.Headdedmeasafriend,barkedoutalaughofsurprisewhenhefoundoutIwasagirl,andthenweplayedseveralroundsonthesamefireteambeforehehadtogotobed.
Butthenextnight,whenheloggedon,Iwasimmediatelyinvitedtoplaywithhimagain.
Itwentonlikethisforaboutaweekbefore,onenight,hedeclared,“I’mboredwiththis.DoyouhavethenewResidentEvil?”
“No.”
“Canyougetit?”
“Maybe.”
“Letmeknowwhenyoudo.”
Withthat,heexitedHalo,andIsawthenotificationpopupthattoldmehewasplayingResidentEvil:Revelations2
Iwasnotabovebeggingmymotheratthebreakfasttablethenextmorning.Infact,Iquiteliterallyfelltomyknees.
“Gamesareexpensive,andyoujustgotoneforyourbirthday,”shesaid.
MydadgaveheralookoverhisSundaymorningpaper,whichsaidwithoutwordsthathertellingmeagamewasexpensivewascomicalconsideringwhatshespentonapairofshoesweekly.
“Please,Mom.I’lldoanything.”
“Anything?”
“Anything,”Isaidearnestly.
Momlookedatmydadandthenbackatme.“Nextseason,you’llbeintroducedtosociety.”
AndIshityounot,Ididn’tevengroanorrollmyeyes.“Done.”
Itwasthateasy.AgreetobeadebandIgotthetickettomycrush.TwodayslaterIhadResidentEvil:Revelations2,andwhenIsignedon,Leowasalreadythere.
“Stig!Yougotthegame,”heannouncedwhenourheadsetsconnected.
Itriedtoignorethewaymystomachflippedatthenicknamehe’dgivenme,atthefactthatheseemedhappyIwasonline.“Don’tgettooexcited,”Itoldhim.“I’veneverplayedbefore,whichmeansI’llundoubtedlysuckass.”
Helaughedatmeusinghisverbiage.“I’llteachyou.”
Andthat’sallitwasforawhile,himteachingmetheropesofthegameinRaidmodewiththeonlyconversationbetweenusbeingmeaskingquestionsorhimgivingtips.Buteventually,whenIhadthehangofit,theintimacyofplayingagamewithonlyLeoandnotasquadfullofotherstrangershitme.Andwhenwedidn’tneedtotalkabouthowtoplaythegameanymore,westartedtalkingaboutotherthings.
“So,howoldareyou?”heaskedmeduringaraidoneSundaynight.
“Fifteen.You?”
“Sixteen,”helied.Iknewitwasaliebecausehisbirthdaywasn’tuntilOctober,butIlethimliebecauseIlikedtheideaofhimlyingtoimpressme.
“Cool.”
“So,you’reasophomore?”
“Inafewweekswhenschoolstarts,”Isaid,pausingwhenwecameuponaclusterofzombiesthatrequiredconcentration.Whenwemadeitpast,Icontinued.“Notreallylookingforwardtothat,tobehonest.”
“Why?”
“Schoolsucks.”
Hechuckled.“Yeah.”Apause,then,“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”
MyskinburnedsofiercelyItookoneofmycoldhandsoffmycontrollerandpresseditagainstmycheek.“No.”
“No?”Leolaughed.“That’sinsane.Howdoyounothaveaboyfriend?”
Isnorted.“Theboysatmyschoolarenotintogirlslikeme.”
“Areyoukidding?”Hemadeaclickingsoundwithhistongue.“Thenthey’reidiots.Iftherewasagirlatmyschoolwhoplayedvideogames?I’dbealloverthat.”
“YouhavenoideawhatIlooklike.”
“So?”
Heatfulloninvadedmybodyatthat,likeIhadaninescapablefever.
“Areyouhittingonme,LeoHernandez13?”
“MaybeIam,Stig.”
Mystomachdidabackflip.“You’reonlysayingthatbecauseyoudon’tknowwhoIam.”
Theconversationstalledaswehittheendofaraid,allfocusonslayingzombiesandothercreatures.Whenwewerebackinthelobby,Leosaid,“Sowhatdoyoudowhenyou’renotgaming?”
“Draw.”
“Drawwhat?”
“Idon’tknow.Animals,flowers,tattoodesigns,just—”
“Wait.Tattoodesigns?”
Ibitmylipagainstasmile.“Yes.”
“Doyouhaveany?Tattoos,Imean?”
“I’mfifteen.”
“Fair.Ithoughtmaybeyouhadcoolparents.”
Isnorted.“Farfromit,unlessyouthinkadadwhoworksinacquisitionsandamomwhosejobiskeepingupwiththelatestgossipattheclubiscool.”
“I’veheardworsealternatives.So,yougameandyoudraw.WhatelseshouldIknowaboutyou?”Hepaused.“Maybe…yourname?”
Iswallowed,anxietyzippingdownmyspine.Iknewhewouldn’tknowmeevenifIgavehimmyfullnameandapicture,becauseLeowasinthetoptwopercentatourschool,popularitywise,andIwasattheverybottomofthebarrel.Butstill,therewassomethingpowerfulaboutanonymity.AsOctostigma,Iwascool,mysterious—thefungirlwhoplaysvideogames.Maybemyvoicewashot.Maybetheelusivenesswasallpartofit.
ButasMarySilver,Iwasaloser.
“YoucanjustcallmeStig.”
Itwentonlikethisfortherestofthesummer.Icouldn’twaittologon,couldn’twaittoseethenotificationthatLeoHernandez13wasinvitingmetoplaywithhim.We’dkillzombiesandlaughandfightoverupgradesandwhowasbetteratwhatskill.Inthelobbybetweenraids,we’dtalk,andthemorewedid,thedeepertheconversationswent.
Itoldhimaboutthegod-awfuldealI’dmadewithmymominordertogetthisgame,andhelaughed,askingwhatkindofdressI’dgetforthedebutanteballandifIwasasgoodatdancingasIwasatslayingzombies.
Buthisvoicesoftenedwhenhetoldmeaboutthepressurehefeltfromhisownparents,namelyhisfather.
“HewantsmetofollowinhisfootstepsandgotoSouthernAlabamatoplay,butIloveNewEngland.IloveBoston.Ijust…Ican’timagineleaving.”
“Youdon’thaveto.”
Helaughed.“Youdon’tknowmydad.I’mhisprideandjoy.It’dcrushhimifIdidn’tgotohisalmamater.”
“Butit’syourlife,”Iremindedhim.“Hecan’tlivebothhisandyours,too.Besides,wouldn’thebeproudofyounomatterwhereyoudecidedtoplayfootball?”
“Youmakeitsoundsosimple.”
“Yearsofdisappointingmyparentsandstillhavingthemloveme.”
Therewasasoftlaughthroughtheheadset,andthensilence.“Hey…Iknowthisiskindofagainstalltherulesourparentssetupforuswhenwestartedplayinglivevideogamesbut…doyouthinkIcouldhaveyournumber?”
Butterflies.
Butterflieseverywhere
“Sure.”
WhenIgaveittohim,hefreakedout.
“Wait,781…that’sWeston!That’swhereIlive!”
Shit.
Paniczippedthroughme.Ihadn’tthoughtabouthimputtingtwoandtwotogetherwhenIgavehimmynumber.
Ibitmylipinlieuofanswering.
“Whydidn’tyouevertellme?”
“Youdidn’task.”
“Well,that’sbecauseIassumedyouwerein,like,Idon’tknow,Canadaorsomething.”
“Canada?”Ilaughed.
“Whatschooldoyougoto?”
Thatkilledmylaugh.“Uh…it’sasmallprivateschool,youwouldn’tknowit.”
“Igotoaprivateschool,too.”
Sweatprickledthebackofmyneck.“Ihavetogo.Momisyellingatmetogotosleep.Wantsmetogetonschedulebeforeschoolstarts.Bye!”
Iloggedoffbeforehecouldrespond,myhearthammeringinmychest.Ifloppedbackonmybedandclosedmyeyes.Stupid,stupid,stupid!
Butthen,myphonebuzzed,andatextfromanewnumbercamethrough.
Unknown:Sweetdreams,Stig.
Ithoughtthatwasit,butafterIbrushedmyteethandcrawledintobed,therewasanotheronewaitingforme.
Leo:I’mreallygladImetyou.
Thenextmorning,myphonerangatsevenAM.Iansweredblearilywithoutevencheckingwhoitwas,becauseInevergotphonecalls,letalonethatearly.
“Riseandshine,”Leosaid.
Iboltedupright.
Hecalledme?!
“Um…hi?”
“FiguredI’dhelpyourmominherquesttogetyoureadyfortheschoolroutine,”hesaid.Hisvoicesoundedevenwarmeroverthephone,morecrispthanovertheheadsetIwasusedtohearinghimin.“Plus,Ihavefootballpractice,anditjustfeelsfairthatyoushouldhavetogetupatthesametimeasmesinceyoukeptmeupsolate.”
“Ikeptyouup?”
“Allsummerlong.Youreallyareabadinfluence.”
“Saystheonewhoaskedforastranger’sphonenumberonline.”
“AndIdon’thaveasingleregret.”
Iflushed,floppingbackontomybedandcoveringthephonesohewouldn’thearmyridiculouslittlesqueal.
“Hey,Stig?”
“Yeah?”
“Drawmesomething.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetodraw?”
“Anything,”heansweredquickly.“Showmeapartofwhoyouare.”
“Why?”
Apause.“BecauseIlikeyou.”
Myeyeswidened,hearthammeringsoloudIcouldn’thearmyselfwhenIrespondedwithaweak,“Okay.”
“Okay,”hesaid.
AndeventhoughIcouldn’tseehim,Iknewhewassmiling.Mary
Wetalkedeveryday,andeverynight,forthenexttwoweeks.
Iwokeuptogoodmorningtextsthatmademesquealandthrashinmycovers,theymademesohappy.Atnight,itseemedwespentlessandlesstimeplayinggamesandmoretimeonthephone,talkingforhoursuntilourthroatswerehoarse
Thefirsttimehesentmeapicture,Idroppedmyphone.Literally.Itwasjustaselfieofhimaftersummerpractice,hishairasweaty,mattedmess,hislipschapped,skinred.Buthissmilewaswideandblindingandallforme.
Ididn’tsendapictureback,andhedidn’tpush.
IlovedplayingXboxwithhim.Ilovedwhenhetextedmesomestupidmemeortoldmeafunnystoryabouthisfamily.Ilovedwhenheaskedmeifwewereevergoingtohangoutinreallifeandthenletmechangethesubject.
Butmyfavoritenightsweretheoneshe’dcallmeandwe’djustliethereandtalk.
Mostofthetimewelaughed.Sometimes,wegotsodeepthatIconfessedthingstohimIneverhadtoanyoneelse,andhedidthesame.LikethenightIadmittedIwasafraidofneverbeingenoughformymom,ortheonewherehetoldmehecouldn’tpicturealifewithoutfootball,andgettinginjuredwashisbiggestfear.
Throughitall,Idrewforhim.
“Areyouevergoingtoshowmewhatyou’redrawing?”heteasedmeeverychancehecould.“I’mstartingtothinkyou’realiarandyoudon’tdrawatall.”
That’swhenIsenthimapictureforthefirsttime—apulled-backviewofapageofdoodlesinmysketchbook.
Hefawnedoveritfordays,pesteringmeevenmoretoshowhimwhatIwasmakingforhim.
“I’llshowyouwhenit’sready,”Ikeptpromising.
Thetruthwas,Iwastryingtoworkupthenervetoshowhiminperson.
Schoolstarted,andanyballoonsofhopeIhadthatmaybethisyearwouldbedifferentafterwhatfeltlikealife-changingsummerwerepoppedimmediatelywhenIdidn’tevenmakeitthroughthefirstdaywithoutmultipleinsultsandbeingtrippedinthecafeteria.Sometimes,IwishedIwastheinvisibletypeofloser,theonewhocouldescapeallthebullying.
Nosuchluck.
Thewordsdidn’thurtme—atleast,notanymore.Afteryearsofenduringthem,itwaslikebeingpiercedthroughmyskinwithhundredsofneedlesuntilIwassousedtothefeelingthatitfeltnormal.I’dbecomenumbtoalltheirinsults—goth,loser,nerd,fatty,craterface—whatevertheythrewatme,itwaseasytorollmyeyesat.
Butwhentheyshovedme,trippedme,threwtheirfoodintothegarbageandlaughedasitsplasheduponme…thosethingswerehardertobrushoff.
Ifelteachattackchipawayatmyalready-scarceconfidence,makingmewanttohidelikeaturtleinashell.Whenitcametohighschool,excitementwasthefurthestthingfromhowIfelt.
Ijustwantedtosurvive.
Ididn’tknowwhenithappened,whenIsomehowwentfromanormalkidwithasmallbutgreatgroupoffriendstosomeonelivinglifeontheoutside.Iguesswhenmyfriendsbecamemoreinterestedinboysthangaming,whentheystartedwearingsofteyeshadowandpinklipglossandIoptedfordramaticcateyesandpaintingmysmileburgundy,whentheyallslimmeddownandIfilledout—ineverycurve.
Somehow,somewherealongtheway,Iostracizedmyself.
Butthisyearwouldbedifferent.
Becausethisyear,I’dhaveLeo.
ThefirsttimeIsawhimatschool,hewasclowningaroundwithsomeotherplayersonthefootballteaminthecafeteriabeforefirstperiod.Iwatchedhimwithasmilebeforeoneofmyonlyfriends,Naya,elbowedmeintheribs.
“Whyareyousmilingatthoseassholes?”
Ishruggedheroff,frowningasIwentbacktodoodlinginmynotebook.“Iwasn’t.”
NayalovedanimeandcosplaythewayIlovedvideogamesanddrawing.Shealsohadabeardeddragonasapetandanintoleranceforjocksoranyonedeemedpopularinourschool.
“Yes,youwere.”
“Shutup,”Imumbled,andthenIignoredher,focusingonmynotebookuntilmyphonebuzzedwithatext.
Leo:You’reright,schoolsucks.Imisssummerdayswithyou.
EverynerveinmybodylitupasIreadthetextoverandover,myeyesskirtingtowhereLeowasacrossthecafeteria.Hewaslaughingatsomethingthequarterbackhadsaid,andthenLilaWhiteranoverandfloppeddownintohislap.
Hewrappedhisarmsaroundhereasily,butnotinthewaythatmademefeelevenalittlebitjealous.Itwasthewaythatsaidwithoutwordsthathewasuncomfortable,thathewasjustlettinghersittherebecausehedidn’twanttoanswerquestionsifhepushedheroff.
Ismiled.
IlikedthatIknewhimlikethat,thatIcouldseerightthroughhisfa?ade.
Me:Callmetonightandwecanpretendsummerneverends.
AssoonasIsentit,Iwatchedhimhastilydighisphoneoutofhispocket.Helitupwithasmileashereadthetext,andthenhethumbedoutareplybeforetuckingitaway.
Laterthatnight,Iaskedhowhisdaywas.
“Exhausting.”
“Practice?”
“No,footballismyrelease.It’stherestofitthatwearsmeout.”
“Like,classes?”
“Kindof.Idon’tknow.It’slike…”Hepaused,andIwishedIcouldseehim,couldwatchhisbodymannerismsinthatmoment.“Sometimes,I’mhangingoutwithallthesepeople,allmyfriends,andIjustlookaroundandrealizethatIdon’treallyknowanyofthematall,andtheydon’tknowme.Asidefromfootball,Imean.”
“Youcouldtellthemmoreaboutyourself,”Ioffer.“Askthemtoberealwithyou,too.”
Helaughed.“Yeah,right.Thewaytheyseemeatmyschool,I’mjusttheclassclown,youknow?Thejockwhomakespeoplelaughandhasgirlsliningupathislocker.”
Iswallowed.“Awholeline,huh?”
“Don’tbejealous,Stig,”hesaid,humoretchedinhisvoice.“Noneofthemcomparetoyou.”
“Oh,fuckoff.”
“I’mserious!Theydon’t.”
“Anyway,”Isaidplayfully,butmostlybecauseIneededtochangethesubjectbeforeImeltedintoapuddleonthefloor.“So,youfeellikeyouhavearoletoplay?”
“Iguessso.Ormaybe,astiringasitistoplaytherole,itfeelsevenmoreexhaustingtotrytochangeit.”
“Forwhatit’sworth,Ilikeyoubestwhenyou’rereal,whenyou’reopen.You’refunny,yeah,but…you’remorethanthat.”
Leowassilentforalongmoment.
“Iwishyou’dtellmewhoyouare,”hesaidsoftly.
Iswallowed.“Soon.”
AnotherweekpassedwithmelivingontheoutskirtsofLeo’slife,inhisperiphery—there,butneverreallyseen.Iwashappiestwhenhetextedorcalledme.IwasthemostmiserablewhenIwascloseenoughtotouchhimandstillsomehowinvisible.AnditwasinthattimethatIsomehowfoundthecourageI’dbeensearchingfor.Anxietyandfearstillniggledatthebackofmybrain,buttheyweredrownedoutbytheglowingorbofhopethatwhisperedtwowordscontinuallyintomyear.
Whatif?
Andso,onacrispfallafternoon,IcarriedanotebookfullofdrawingstuckedundermyarmasIwalkedacrosscampustowardthefootballfield.
Practicewouldbeoverintwentyminutes,andIdecidedIwasfinallyreadytotellLeowhoIwas.Mary
MyarmpitswereswampsasIstoodthereonthetrackthatcircledthefootballfield,clutchingmynotebooktomychestandwatchingasLeowrappeduppracticewithhisteam.Everythinginsidemescreamedtoturnaroundandbolt,butIfoughtagainstinstinct.
Mypoorbodywastryingtosaveme,andIwouldn’tlisten.
Instead,IstoodastallasIcould,fingerstremblingandheartracing.AndwhenLeowasjoggingpastmewithsomeofhisteammates,Icalledouthisnameinaweak,crackingvoice.
Heslowed,headwhippinginmydirection,hisdamp,messyhairflowinglikeaslowmotioncommercialwhenhedid.Itstolemybreath,seeinghimthatcloseafterallthenightswe’dspenttogetheronthephone.HiseyesweremoregoldenthanI’deverrealized,hisjawmoredefined,bodyglisteningwithsweat.
Iwaitedforit,forthemomenthelookedintomyeyesandjustknewthatitwasme,thatIwasthegirlhe’dtalkedtoeverydayandeverynightformostofthesummer.Iwaitedforhissmiletospread,forhimtoruntowardmeandscoopmeintohisarmsjustlikeallthestupidmovieshadpreparedmefor.
Instead,hefrowned,confusionetchedinhisbrowsasheslowedtoastopandwalkedafewhesitantstepstowardme.“Yeah?”
Itriedtoignorethewaymyheartsank,thewaymynervesdoubledwhenafewofhisteammatesstopped,too,lookingatLeo,thenme,theneachotherwiththislookthatsaidoh,thisoughttobegood.
“H-hi,”Ibreathed,swallowingandremindingmyselftoforceanexhale.
Leostilllookedconfused,butheofferedasmallsmileofmercy.“Hi.”
“I’msorrytobotheryou,Ijust…”EverywordI’dplannedtosayflewoutthewindowinmypanic,butIknewIdidn’tneedwords.He’dknowwhoIwaswithoutmehavingtotellhim.
BecauseIwasgoingtoshowhim.
“Idrewyouthis,”Isaid,thrustingthesketchbooktowardhim.
Mysmilewasconfident,wideandgleaming,becauseIjustknewhewasgoingtogetit.Whoelsewouldbedrawinghimsomething?Besides,heknewmyvoice.Heknewme.
Leolookedbackathisfriendswhowerefightingofflaughter,hisbrowsstillbenttogetherwhenheturnedtofacemeagain.“Um…okay?”
Hetookthesketchbookfromme,andateammatebehindhimsaid,“Goon,whatisit,Hernandez?”
Leoglancedatmebeforehesitantlyopeningthebooktothefirstpage.ItwasthesimplestofthedrawingsI’dbeencuratingforhimsincethenightheaskedmeto,afine-linesketchofthingsthatmademethinkofsummer—wildflowers,bumblebees,arushingriver.
Whenitdidn’thithimafterseeingit,whenhejustscreweduphisfaceandglancedatmebeforeflippingthepage,myheartsank.
Hisfriendswatchedoverhisshoulder,andwhenthepagewasflipped,theystartedlaughingandyellingandhittingeachotherbeforeoneofthemrippedthenotebookoutofhishands.
“Whatthehell?Didthiscrooked-teethfreakdrawyouporn?”
Mycheeksflushedwithafuriousheat,andImadeamentalnotetoneversmileagain.“It’snotporn,”Iargued.
Oneoftheguysflippedthebookaroundtowardme,showcasingthecurvygirlwhoIfeltlookedlikeme.Shewasinahoodieandleggings,whatIusuallyworewhenIplayed,andaboyinafootballjerseyheldherinhisarms,wrappedaroundherastheylookedupatthestars.
TheboywassupposedtobeLeo.
Ifyoulookedclosely,inourhands,therewasasingleXboxcontroller—oneweheldtogether.
ButLeodidn’tlookclosely.Infact,hebarelylookedatallbeforeherippedthebookawayfromhiscacklingfriendsandshoveditbackintomychest.
“Look,Idon’tknowwhatthehellthisissupposedtobe,butIdon’twantit.”
Hiseyeslockedonmine.
AndwhatIsawreflectedinthemtoremetoshreds.
Heknew.
Heknewitwasme.Itwaswrittenineveryfeature—thepityinhiseyes,hisfurrowedbrows,hisrigidstanceandheavingchest.Andrightthenandthere,Irecognizedthetruth.
Heknewitwasme,andhedidn’tlikewhathesaw.
“YouhavenoideawhatIlooklike.”
“So?”
HowstupidIwasforbelievinghemeantthat.
Hecouldn’tevenholdeyecontactformorethanamomentbeforehelookeddownatthegroundbetweenus,thebookstillextendedtowardme.
MythroatburnedasIsnatcheditoutofhishands,willingthetearsfloodingmyeyestostayputandnotreleasedownmycheeks.“You’realiar,andajerk,andIhopeonedaysomeonehurtsyouasbadasyoujusthurtme.”
Hisfriendsbrokeoutintoachorusoflaughter,andoneofthemsaid,“Ohhh,youhearthat,Hernandez?Thisfat,pimple-facedfreakcalledyouabigbadjerk!”
Theboy’svoicemimickedthatofalittlekidwiththoselastfewwords,whichmadeeveryonecrackupalloveragain.
AndLeodidn’tsayaword.
Hedidn’tstopthem,didn’ttellthemtoshutupandleavemealone,didn’tdefendmeorevenshowanounceofmercy.Andwhenhisfriendthrewanarmaroundhim,leadinghimandtherestofthepackawayfromme,Leolookedbackonlyonce.
IthoughtIsawhimmouththathewassorry.
Itonlymademefumemore.
AblinkreleasedthetearsI’dbeenholdingback,andtheyburnedthememoryintomybrainforeverastheyseareddownmycheeks.
IwaiteduntilIwashome,untilIwasbehindmybedroomdoorthatIslammedvehemently.Then,Iscreamedandrippedatthepagesofthenotebook
“Ihateyou,LeoHernandez,”Iseethed,tearingpageafterpage.“Ihateyou,Ihateyou,Ihateyou.”
Yankingthepagesoutofthenotebookwasn’tenough.Whentheylitteredmyfloor,Ipickedthemeachupandshreddedthemintotinymorselsuntilmybedroomfloorwascoveredinpapersnow.MychestwasheavingbythetimeIfinished,andthenIcollapsedrightthereinthemiddleofthepile.
AndIcried.
No,Isobbed,untilmylungsgaveoutandtherewerenomoretearsleftinmyducts.Momhesitantlyknockedonmydoor,butItoldhertogoaway,andItoldDadthesamewhenhegothomefromwork.Ididn’tjointhemfordinner.ItfeltlikeI’dnevereatagain,neversleepagain,neverbethesamepersonIwasbeforeLeodestroyedme.
Itriedtofindreason,triedtoremindmyselfthatIwasahighschoolgirlandtheseemotionswouldpass.That’swhatMomalwaystoldmewhenIwasbeingdramatic.Butnothingcouldpullthehurt,theragefrommyheart—notthistime.
ThatdayfundamentallychangedwhoIwas.
TheweakcageI’dtriedtoliveintopleasemyparents,tobewhattheyandeveryoneelseinmylifewantedmetobe,wascompletelyobliterated.Iclawedatthebars,bendingandwarpingthemuntilIcouldstepthrough.Andontheotherside,Iwasuntamed,unfazed,unstoppable.
Idecidedrightthenandtherethatnothingandnoonewouldeverhurtmeagain.
Thatevening,whenLeologgedonandtriedtorequestformetoplaywithhim,Iunfriendedhim.Hecalledmeimmediatelyafter,andwhenIdidn’tanswer,hesentatextthatIdidn’tevenbotherreading.
Iblockedhimoneverything.
IunpluggedmyXboxandmadeaplantotakeitandallmygamestoGameStopandexchangeitforaPlayStation,instead.
Ishuttheworldout.
IshutwhoIusedtobeout.
Andthatnight,whensleepwouldn’tcome,Ididn’tknowalotofthings.
Ididn’tknowhowmuchworsethingswouldgetatschoolthenextday.Ididn’tknowthatitwaspossibleforanalready-fracturedhearttobreakevenfurther.Ididn’tknowthatthoseassholefriendsofLeo’stookapictureofmydrawingwhenIwasbusylookingatLeo.Ididn’tknowthey’dmakecopiesandplasteritalloverschoolwithmyhideousfreshmanschoolphoto,thatpimple-facedpornfreakwouldbecomeanicknameI’dneverescapeinallmyhighschoolyears.Ididn’tknowthatLeowouldlaughwiththem,thathe’dneversomuchaslookmywayagain,thathe’dpretendIdidn’tevenexist.
Thebiggestsurpriseofall?
Ididn’tknowthatsixyearslater,whenIwasnolongerevenasemblanceofthegirlIwasthatsummerIturnedfifteen—LeoHernandezwouldbemyneighbor.
Andayearafterthat…myroommate.Now…SevenYearsLater
Leo
“Coach!Coach!”
Iturned,settingmycupofGatoradedownonthefoldingtablejustintimetosaveitbeforeIwasrunoverbythreeeight-year-oldkidsinfullpadding.Iscoopedoneupundermyarmwhiletheothertwocollidedwithmylegs,theirlittlehandsaroundmywaist.
“Didyouseethat?!”Keonsaid,pointingbackatthefield.Hishelmetwasabittoobigforhimandhisheadwobbledwiththeweightofitwhenhelookedbackupatme.“Ihithimwiththestiffarm,justlikeyousaid!”
“Didnot!”Jordancombatted,releasinghisgriponmywaistonlylongenoughtoshoveKeonbackwardabit.
“Did,too!”
“Itripped.”
“Yeah,becauseIpushedyou.Withmystiffarm.”
“Yeah,butItackledyou,Keon,”thelittletykeundermyarmpointedout,wigglinguntilIsethimbackdown.“Sothatstiffarmdoesn’treallymatter.”
“Igottwentyyards!”Keoncombatted.
“Nuh-uh!”theothertwosaidinunison,thentheywereallfighting,andIchuckled,bendinguntilIwasdownononekneeandattheirlevel.
“Alright,alright,”Isaid,grabbingtwoofthembytheirshoulders.Igavethemeachalookuntiltheyquieted.“Keon,thatwasadamngoodrun.Youshouldbeproudofit.”
Keonbeamed.
“But,”Iaddedquickly.“There’sadifferenceinsomeonewhothinkshe’sgoodandsomeonewhoknowsit—themainonebeingthatwhenyouknowit,youdon’tneedtobragaboutit.”
“Yeah,Keon,”Jordansaid,crossinghisarms.
“AndJordan,thatwassomegreatdefenseoutthere,butdon’tbetooproudtoadmitwhenyoucouldhavedonebetter.WhydoyouthinkKeonwasabletoshoveyouoffsoeasilywiththatstiffarm?”
Jordanlookeddownathiscleats.“BecauseIdidn’twraphimup.”
“Youdidn’twraphimup,”Iechoed.
“ButIdid!”Masonbeamed.
Iswiveleduntilmyeyeswereonhim.“Twentyyardslater.”
Thatquietedthemall,thoughKeonworeasmirk.
“Look,”Isaid,pullingthemallinabitcloser.“Youalldidgood.Butyouallcouldhavedonebetter.AndIhatetobreakittoyou,butthat’sfootball.Infact,that’sfootballonagoodday.Mostofthetime,you’llmakemistakesthatyouknowyoushouldn’tmake,andthenyouhavetodustyourselfoffandgetrightbackonthelineforthenextplay.”
IpushedmyfingerintoKeon’schest.
“Themostimportantthingisthatyoustayhumble,rememberwhyyoulovethisgame,andputyourteamaboveyourownpersonalstats.Insteadofraggingoneachother,cheereachotheron.Jordan,thatwasahellofarunKeonhad,wasn’tit?”
JordansmiledatKeon,nudginghisshoulder.“Yeah.”
“Yeah.And,Mason,youwouldn’thavebeenabletotakeKeondownifJordanhadn’tslowedhimwiththatattemptedtackle,huh?”
“Probablynot.He’ssofast,”Masonsaid.
“Anditwasagreattackle,”KeonsaidtoMasonbeforeIcouldprompthim.“Youreallywrappedmeup,Icouldn’tbreakitevenifIwantedto.”
“See?”Isaid,thumpingeachofthemplayfully.“Nowthat’swhatmakesyoustrongerasaplayerandteamrightthere.”
CoachHenderson’sshadowwashedoverthefourofus,andIstoodtojoinhimashenoddedtowardthefield.“Alright,youthree,backoutthere.”
“Yes,Coach!”theysaidinunison,andthentheywerejoggingbackouttoplay,laughingtoeachotherinsteadoffighting.
CoachHendersonwastheheadcoachofthePeeWeeteamI’dbeenassistinghimwithsincemysophomoreyearatNorthBostonUniversity.Itstartedasanaccident,really—justmestuckoncampusoverthesummerandbored,lookingforsomethingtodothatwasn’tconditioning.Thatwasaboutallwecoulddoduringthesummerwithoutbreakingtherulesofcollegeball.Therewerenorealpracticesuntilfallcamp.
HendersonhadseenhowantsyIwasandofferedmethisunpaidjob—oneItookwithoutthinkingtwice.
“They’regoingtomissyounextyear,”hecommentedasthekidslinedupforanotherplay.
“Ah,mostofthemwillbemovingontothenextlevel,anyway,”Isaid.“Andthosewhoaren’twon’tbethinkingofme.”
“You’dbesurprised.You’vereallymadeanimpactwiththesekids.”Hepaused,shakinghishead.“ThoughIfindyougivingthemadviceonbeinghumblequitecomical.”
“Hey,I’mashumbleastheycome,”Isaiddefensively.
“Right.Whatwasityousaidinthatinterviewafterthechampionshipgamelastyear?”Hetappedhischin.“Oh,that’sright.I’vebrokentwoschoolrecordsinmythreeyearshere,andbythetimeIleave,I’llbreakthemall.”
Iblinked.“What?That’sjustfacts.NBUhasneverhadarunningbacklikemeandyouknowit.”
Hesmirkedandshookhishead,clampingahandonmyshoulder.“Maybejustpracticeabitofwhatyoupreach,eh,kid?”
Ishruggedhimoff,butsmiled,becausemaybehewasright.MaybeIcoulduseasliceofhumblepieonmyplatenowandthen.Butthatjustwasn’thowIrolled.Forme,thekeytosuccesshadalwaysbeencockiness.
Playlikehell.Rubitineverydefender’sfacewhentheycan’tstopme.AndremindanyonewhoasksthatI’mthebestthere’severbeen.
Itdidn’tmatterifitwastrueornot.Whenyousaidsomethingenough,youstartedtobelieveit.Andwhenyoubelievedit,youbecameit.
Thoseweremyfather’swords,andIheldthemlikeacreed.
Mydad,NickParkinson,wasandstillisthebestreceivertohaveeverplayedatSouthernAlabamaUniversity.HewasalsoabeastintheNFLuntilaninjuryendedhiscareer,butnotbeforehe’dmadeenoughcashandconnectionstosetupaplaceforhiminthesportforever.Now,whilehespentmostofhistimeasacommentatorontelevisionoranadvisorforyoungplayers,helivedouttherestofhisdreamthroughme.
WhenCoachblewthefinalwhistleofpractice,Ihelpedpackupbeforehittingthegymoncampus.Someofmyteammatesslackedduringthesummer,onlyshowingupforthebareminimumofwhatwasrequiredofthem.ButIwouldn’tbecaughtdeaddoingthesame.
Summerwaswhatseparatedthegoodfromthegreat,thecollegeathletesfromtheoneswhowouldgopro.Iusedeverybitofmytimeworkingtowardmyultimategoal.
ToplayintheNFL,justlikemydad.
IwasdrenchedinsweatbythetimeIclimbedinmycartoheadtomycampushome—affectionatelyknownasTheSnakePit.Itwastheteamhouse,boughtinthe80sandpassedonthroughgenerationsandgenerationsofplayers.Itwashomebase,thehousewepartiedatwhenwewonandstrategizedatwhenwelost.Itwasoldanddecrepitand—nowthatourresponsible,clean,andorganizedquarterbackhadgraduatedandgonepro—alotmessierthanitusedtobe.
Butitwashome.
AsIdrove,onearmonthesteeringwheelandtheotherhangingoutmydriversidewindow,Isoakedinthewarmthofsummer,thefeelingthisparticularsummerbroughtme.Itwasthelastoneofmyschoolcareer,onefinalsummerbeforesenioryearatNorthBostonUniversity.
Beforemyfinalyearofcollegeball.
Wewerechampsnow,comingoffoneofthehottestseasonsinourschoolhistory.Goingintothestartoftheseasonwiththatnumberonerankwouldbesweet,butitwouldalsomeanwehadatargetonourback—oneIhadfullplanstomakeimpossibletohit.
Onthebackendoftheblissful,excitingfeelingthissummerbroughtme,therewasadarkedge,abottomlesspitthatwouldgladlyswallowmeupifIstoppedrunninglongenoughtoletit.Itwasanabysscreatedbyagirlyearsago,anendlessholeleftintheverycenterofwhoIwasaftertheoneandonlypersonI’deverfeltagenuineconnectiontoinmylifeghostedme.
AndIdidn’tevenknowhername.
Iswallowed,shiftinginthedriverseatandtakingmyoppositehandtothewheel.Thoughtsofthatsummeralwaysmademesquirm.Icouldn’tevenrememberwhoIwasbackthen,andyetIknewthattherealestI’deverbeenwithanyone,atanypointinmylife,wasthatsummer.
WithastrangerImetplayingvideogamesonline.
ItwassoclichéandembarrassingthatI’dneverspokenitoutloudtoanyone.Icouldn’t.Ihadareputationforbeingaplayboy,asmartass,aclown,apowerhouse,afuckingstar.Ilovedthatrole.Icreatedthatroleformyself.AndIknewifIeveradmittedtoanyonewhathadhappenedthatsummerinhighschool,I’dbecomethejokeitselfinsteadofthejokester
No,it’dgotothegravewithme.
AndifIdidn’teverlearntofuckingletitgo,itmightbewhatputsmeinsaidgrave.
Wheneverthatdarknesscreptintomymind,Iwasalwaystemptedtosuccumbtoit.Partofmethoughtitmightbringrelief,tojustslipintotheunendingspiralofquestionsthatassaultedmesevenyearsagoandbeggedformetoletthembackineverydaysince.
Icouldbeatmyselfupforaneternitywonderingwhatwentwrong,whatIdid,whathappened.Icoulddiveheadfirstintoanxietythatsomethingbadhadhappenedtoher,thatshehadbeenkidnappedorsenttoaboardingschoolbyherparentsor,theworstpossibility,thatshewasdead.
Ididn’tknowhername,butIknewher
Iknewthewayshelaughedwhenshewasexhaustedfromstayingupallnightwithme.Iknewsheneverbackeddownfromanychallenge.Iknewshewasunapologeticallyandfearlesslyherself,nomatterwhatherparentsorfriendsoranyoneelsethought.Iknewshewasfunny,andadorable,andcoolashell.Sheplayedvideogames,forfuck’ssake.
AndIknewsheknewme,atthemostvulnerableandhonestlevel,andshelikedme.Shecaredaboutme.
Ormaybeshedidn’t.
Maybesheneverdid.
Maybeshewasn’takidlikemeatall.Maybeshewassomeweirdcreeplivinginherparents’basementattheageofthirtypretendingtobeateenagersoshecouldpreyonyoungboys.
EvenasIthoughtit,Iknewitwasn’ttrue.Butsometimesitmademefeelbettertopretendthatwasthecase,becausethealternativewasthatshehadjust…leftme.
AndI’dneverknowwhy.
OnequickshakeofmyheadsenttheshadowofallthosethoughtsscurryingawayasIturnedontomystreet.IletoutaheavysighasIpulledintothedriveway,hoppingoutandgrabbingmydufflebagoutofthetrunk.Islungitovermyshoulder,lockedmycarwithaclickofthekeyfob,andwasreadytoheadinsideandtakeashowerbeforesittingdownforaroundofvideogameswithmyroommates.
Butaglanceacrossthestreetstoppedmeinmytracks.
MarySilverstoodinheryardwithherhandshangingonherfull,enticinghips,hergazefixedonherhousewhilesomestockyolderguyinagrimyt-shirtandwornjeansrattledonbesideher.Icouldonlyseeherprofile,butInoticedhowherbrowswerefurrowed,howshewasgnawingthecornerofherplumpbottomlip.
Maryhadmovedintothatoldhouseacrossthestreetfromuslastyear—alongwithJulepLee,ourcoach’sdaughterand,now,ourpreviousquarterback’sfiancée.HoldenandJuleppretendingliketheydidn’tlikeeachotherprovidedmanynightswhereMaryjoinedherroommatehereatTheSnakePitforparties,andeverytimeshewalkedthroughourfrontdoor,Iachedwiththeneedtotouchher.
Icouldn’thelpit.
Esagatasevériquísima.
Thegirlwasfine
Iwasusedtobeingsurroundedbyacertainkindoffemale—cheerleaders,athletes,sororitygirls.ButnoneofthemlookedlikeMary.Wheretheyweretypicallyleanandtoned,Marywascurvyandsoft,withthighsandhipsandbreaststhatcalledtomeasifshewereAphroditereincarnated.Shewascoveredintattoos,theinksprawlingherskinfromhernecktoherankles,andshehadmorepiercingsthanIhadtouchdownslastseason.
I’dbeenimmediatelyintriguedbyherfromthemomentIfirstsawher.
I’dalsobeenimmediatelyshutdown.
Shewasimmunetomycharm,tothecockylinesIdeliveredwitheasethatusuallyhadgirlsfallingatmyfeetand,moreoftenthannot,draggingmetothenearestbedroom.
No,Maryseemedvexedbymyveryexistence.
Naturally,thatmademewantherevenmore.
Iwatchedassheshookherhead,herlong,goldenhairgleaminginthesunlightasshedid.WhateverwashappeningwithBobtheBuildertherebyherside,itwasn’tgood.
Italsowasn’tanyofmybusiness.
Butthatdidn’tstopmefromdroppingmydufflebagonthegroundbymycarandwalkingacrossthestreet.Mary
“Months?!”
Irepeatedthewordbacktothestout,almosttoo-muscularmanstaringbackatmewithanexpressionlikehewasboredwithmyconcern.Hewaschewingonsomesortofseed,andhespitoutashellbeforenoddingandlookingbackatthehousewithonehandonhishipandtheotherholdinghisclipboard.
“It’sverypossible,”hesaidwithathickNewEnglandaccent.“Iknowthat’snotthenewsyouoryourlandlordwanttohear,but…thepipesareamess.”
“Clearly,”Isaid,pinchingthebridgeofmynoseasIrecalledthefloodinsidethehouse.I’dcomehometoitafteralatenightatthetattooparlorandhadspentmostoftheearlymorninghoursmoppingupwhatIcouldwitheverytowelinthehouse.
“It’sgoingtotakeawhiletoassessthedamageentirely,cleanupenoughofthemesstogettotherootoftheproblems,andthenfixsaidproblems.Ofcourse,you’regoingtoneednewfloors,andthenthere’sthewalls,theceiling…”
Hemusthavenotedthewaymyfacecrumpledmoreandmoreashespoke,becausehequieted,clearinghisthroat.
“Thegoodnewsisit’sfixable,”heofferedpathetically.
“Right.Youjustneedtoguttheentiresystem.”
Themangavemeanapologeticsmile.“Ah,don’tbeatyourselfup.Happensallthetimewitholdhouseslikethis,especiallywiththesummersgettinghotterandhotter.Thesepipesjustcan’ttaketheexpansionofthewaterwhenitgetshotlikethisafteranalready-brutalwinter.”
Iwantedtobeatmyheadagainstthenearestbrickwall.
“Ispokewithyourlandlord,andshewantsthisresolvedjustasquicklyasyoudo.”
“Mm-hmm,”Isaidflatly,tryingnottolaughasIpicturedMissMargiedoinganythingquickly.Shewasadoll,andanabsolutesaintforrentingthehousetomeforthelowpriceshedid.Butshewasalsoanutcaseandmovedatthepaceofasnailonvacation.
IthadbeentightsinceJulepmovedout.ThattraitorofaroommatehadbookedthefirstflighttoCharlotteafterherboyfriend—er,fiancé—wassignedtothePanthersinApril.NotthatIdidn’tknowitwascoming,andnotthatshewasn’tanangelforstillpayingherhalfthroughtheendofourlease,butI’dbeenfloatingitallonmyowneversince.
Iwasdoingit.Iwascapable.Butitwasn’teasy,andIhadbeenactivelylookingforaroommatetohelpmakethingseasierforafewweeksnow.
Somuchforthat.
Now,Iwashomelesswithnomoneysavedandapaycheckthatjustbarelyhelpedmescrapebyasitwas.And,unlikemanyofthecollegekidswholivedinthisoldneighborhood,Icouldn’tjustcallupmymomordadandaskformoney.
Imean,Icould.ButIwouldn’t.
Mypride,amongotherthings,wouldn’tallowthat.
Iwasstillstandingwithmyarmsfolded,subtlypinchingtheinsideofmyribcagejustincasethiswasanightmareIcouldwakeupfrom,whensomeonesidledupbesidemeandnearlymademejumpoutofmyskin.
“What’stheproblem?”
Ipressedahandagainstmyheartfromthescare,eyeswideuntilIturnedandfoundLeoHernandezstandingbesidemewithconcernetchedintohisbrow.
LeofuckingHernandez—NorthBostonUniversity’sstarrunningback,mostunobtainablebachelor,andnumberoneonmypeopleIwouldmurderifIcouldgetawaywithitlist.
Also,myneighbor.
ThathadbeenacomicallyironicdiscoveryafterI’dsignedtheleasewithJuleplastyear.HadIknownbeforesigning,I’dhavesteeredclearofthishouse,thisstreet,hell—thisentireneighborhood.
Helookedlikehewasfreshfromsummerpractice,sweatsoakingtheedgesofhishairlineandmakinghisgrayNBUfootballt-shirtsticktohischest.Hishairwasboyishinitslength,messyandstickingupinathousanddifferentwayswhereitwasn’tstucktohisforehead.Hishazeleyesandwarmbrownskinweretoomuchformostanyoneattractedtomalestoresist,andwhenyoucombineditwithabodybuiltbyyearsandyearsoffootball,itwasthemostunfortunatelyirresistiblecombination.
IusedtothinkIlovedhim.
ButthatwasbeforeIhatedhim.
Hefoldedhisarmsoverhismuscularchest,anditwasthenthatIrealizedhe’drippedthesleevesoffhisshirt,showcasinghisupperouterribcageandeveryinchofhisarms.IglancedathisbulgingbicepsforonlyamomentbeforeIscoffedandrolledmyeyes.
“Nothingthatconcernsyou.”
“Asyourneighbor,Ibegtodiffer.”
“Thisyourboyfriend?”Themanwiththeclipboardasked,pointingatLeo.“Icanexplainittohim,ifyou’dlike.”
Igroundmyteeth,bothattheinsinuationthatIwouldeverdateapig-headedassholelikeLeoHernandezandthat,asawoman,Ineededamanwhomthecontractorcouldexplainthepipeissuetoinorderformetofullycomprehend.
“He’snoone,”Igrumbled,anglingmybodysothatLeowascutoutofthecirclethathadsomehowformed.“I’llspeakwithMargieaboutnextsteps.Thankyouforyourtime.”
ThemanlookedbetweenmeandLeoafewtimesbeforeshrugging,thenherippedoffacopyoftheassessmentfromhisclipboardandhandedittome.“Irecommendgettinganythingyoucareaboutoutofthere.”
“Right,”Isaid,againannoyedthatheevenfelttheneedtosaythat,asifitwasn’tcommonsense.
Heleftalongwiththesmallcrewhe’dbroughtwithhim.
Leo,however,wasstillstandingbehindmeoncethetruckpulledaway.
“Didapipeburstorsomething?”
“Goaway,”Iclippedbeforeheadingforthehouse.
Hewasonmyheels.“Itsoundsprettyserious.”
Iignoredhim,openingthefrontdoorofthehouseandattemptingtoslamitinhisface.Buthecaughtit,andthenhedippedhisheadthroughandwhistledatwhathesaw.
Itwasafuckingmess.
Notjustonepipehadburst.Itwasasifonegaveoutandtherestofthepipesdecidedtheyweretired,too,sotheythrewinthetowelandjoinedthefirst.Therewasagiantholeintheceilingwherewaterhadbuiltandcausedittocollapse,andifthatwereallIhadtoworryabout,maybeIcouldhavestayed.Buttheentiresystemhadgone.Waterwaseverywhere,andsowasdebris,andIjuststaredatitallwithLeoatmyside.
“Youcan’tstayhere,”hesaid,assessingthedamagewithhisthickbrowsbenttogether.Hisdark,messyhairwasstillhalf-stucktohisforehead,hislipsabitchappedfromthesunashelookedaround.Howhemadesweatandsun-damagesoappealingwasbeyondme,andIfileditasjustanotherreasontohatehim.
AndIalreadyhadplenty.
“Wow,wherewouldIbewithoutyoutopointouttheobvious?”
Heshookhishead.“Doyouhaveaplacetogo?Needarideoranything?”
Imadeanexasperatednoiseinmythroatandpushedinside,notcaringatthispointthathewasstillstandinginmydoorway.“Mycarisn’tanissue,idiot.AndI’mfine.Youcanleavenow.Thankyoufortheneighborlyconcern.”
Ishoteachwordoutlikepelletsfromagunchamber,surveyingthehouseandtryingtodecidewheretostart,whatIneededtogetout,andwhatcouldpossiblyremainbehind.ThefactthatIdidn’thaveanywheretomoveanyofitwasanissueIwoulddealwithonceLeogotoutofmyhair.
“Youcanstaywithus.”
Ilaughed—andnotanamusedlaugh,butonethatwaslacedwithbitterangerandresentment.
“I’mserious,”Leosaid,pushinginsideandcarefullyside-steppingwheretheceilinghadcollapsed.“Youdon’tevenhavetopayrent.Holden’sroomisfreenowsinceheandJulepmovedtoCharlotte.”
Ispunonmyheels.“Youreallyexpectmetomoveinwithyouandtwootherfootballplayers?”
Heshrugged,acockysmirkplayingonhislips.“WhatIexpectisthatyoudon’thaveasmanyoptionsasyou’reactinglikeyoudo.”
Iclampedmymouthshut,jawachingwithhowhardIgroundmyteeth.Hewasright.Ididn’thaveasingleoption,really,otherthanstayafewnightsatahotelandtrytofindacheapinterimplaceonCraigslist.AndeventhoseoptionsmeantI’dhavelimitedfundsforthingslikefoodandgasafterthefact.Iwastryingtoworkonasavings,butasanapprenticeslashshopassistant,Ididn’thavemuchtomakeendsmeet,letalongstashasideforarainyday.
Ididn’tthinkMargiewouldchargemerentwhileshefixedtheplace,butIalsodidn’tthinkshe’dletmecompletelyoutofthenewleaseI’djustre-signed.
Evenifshedid,Ididn’thaveanywheretogo.Andwithfalljustaroundthecorner,I’dbefightingagainsttherushofNBUstudentstryingtofindplaces,too.I’ddealtwiththatnightmaretimeandtimeagainalready.Thethoughtofhavingtofaceitagainnowmademewanttofallintoaheaponthefloorandcry.
“Hearmeout,”hesaid,approachingmeslowlywhenIdidn’timmediatelyrespond.“Yougettostayforfree.It’srightacrossthestreet,soyoudon’thavetomoveallyourstuffintostorageoracrosstown.Youdon’tevenhavetochangeyourmailingaddress.Youhavemeandtheotherguystohelpyoumove.Youhaveyourownroom.We’reclean…”Hepaused.“Ish.”
Irolledmyeyes.
“DidImentionit’sfree?”
Ichewedmylip,hatinghowmanygoodpointshehad.Itwasn’tlikeIdidn’tknowtheguys,either.I’dspentenoughtimepartyingorhangingoutatThePitnow,thankstoJulep,thatIfeltlikeanadoptedlittlesister.
Itwouldbenicetonothavetoworryaboutpayingrentforawhile,topossiblygetsomesortofsavingsstarted…
Ishookmyheadforevenconsideringit,mentallyslappingmyself.ThiswasLeoHernandez,forGod’ssake.Thiswastheprickwho’dmademyentirehighschoolexistenceabsolutelymiserableandthencompletelyforgottenaboutitbecausethatwashowlittleitmatteredtohim.
HowlittleImatteredtohim.
“I’llbefine,”Isaid,turningonmyheels.
Hishandshotout,catchingmebythecrookofmyelbow.HeatshotthroughmejustasmuchasrevulsionasIpulledawayfromthetouch.
“Comeon.Letushelpyouout.You’reJulep’sfriend,andtherefore,afriendofours.”
Inarrowedmyeyesathim.“Sincewhenareyounice?”
Hefeignedoffense,pressingahandtohischest.“Me?I’malwaysnice.I’mthenicestguyyou’llevermeet.”
Iblinkedathim,ignoringtheurgetorefutethatstatementinalaw-basedmannercompletewithevidenceandajuryofwomenIknewwouldfindhisassguilty.
“Just…thinkaboutit.Here,”hesaid,holdinghishandout.“Givemeyourphone.I’llputmynumberin,andIpromisenottosayanotherwordaboutit.Butifyouchangeyourmind,onetextandwe’llbeherehelpingyoumoveeverythingoutandacrossthestreet.Wewon’thaveanyoneelseinthatroomuntilfall,soyouhaveatleastacouplemonths,anditshouldallbefixedbythen,right?”
Icouldn’tdoanythingbutlookathimandslowlyblinkagain.
Iloathedhisexistence,andyetinthatmoment,IsawaglimpseoftheboyIusedtoknow.
TheboyIthoughtIknew,anyway—theonewhowascrushedunderthepressureofwhathethoughtheshouldbe,wholaughedinaparticularkindofwaywhenIsurprisedhim,whohaddeepthoughtsandfeelingsthathedidn’tsharewithanyonebutme.Isawtheboywhocaredaboutthegirlhestayedupwitheverynightonline.
“Phone,”hesaid,wigglinghisfingers.
Iblamedthelackofsleepandthesupremeyearningtogethimoutofmyhouseformyactionsnext.Idugmyphoneoutofmypocketandhandedittohim.Forasplitsecond,Ipanicked,thinkingthatwhenhetriedtotextme,he’dbeblocked.ButI’dgottenoffmyparents’phoneplanacoupleyearsago—anotherwayofmeassertingmyindependence—andsoitwouldbeanewnumberaltogether,andanewareacode,too.
Heputhisnumberin,sentatexttohimselfsohe’dhavemynumber,andthengaveitbacktome.
“Onetext,”hesaid,andthentruetohisword,heturnedandleft.
“Fuckingshithammock,”Imutteredundermybreathoncehewasgone.
Iwasexhausted,andangry,andstressedthefuckout.AllIwantedtodowastakeahotshower,getinmypajamas,andpackabowl.
Ididn’tcarehowdesperatethingswere.NowaywasImovingintoThePitwithahousefullofdisgustingfootballplayers,especiallynotwithLeoHernandezbeingoneofthem.
Threedayslater,Isentatext.
Me:Don’tmakemeregretthis.
Oneminutelater,Leowroteback.
ShitHammock:That’saweirdwaytosaythankyou.
Andwithinthehour,myhousewasfulloffootballplayershaulingmybelongingsacrossthestreet.Mary
Ihungmyhandsonmyhips,staringatallmystuffcrammedintoHolden’sroom.
Myroom,now.
Itwassmallerthanmineacrossthestreet,butstillmorethanadequate.Ithadbuilt-inbookshelvesIcoulduseformytattoomachine,alongwiththeneedles,tips,tubes,andgrips.Therestwouldbeusedtodisplaymyart.Therewasasmalldeskagainstthewallfacingawayfromthewindow.I’dsetupmygamingsystemthere.Theclosetwasactuallylarger,whichwasthebiggestblessingofall.AndthoughIwasdowngradingfromaqueenbedtoafull,atleastitwasdryinhere.Ialsohadanen-suitebathroomandawindowthatoverlookedthegardenoutback,oneHoldenhadnurturedwhenhelivedhere.
Iwonderedwhotookcareofitnow.
“Thisisn’tterrible,”Gianasaid,startlingmeassheslidpastmeandrightintotheroom.HerarmswerefullofmyclothesthatIwascertainweighedmorethanshedid,andsheploppedthemdownonthebedbeforesittingnexttothemandcatchingherbreath.Shemoppedhercurlsoutofherfacewithoneswipeofherhandandshovedherglassesbackupthebridgeofhernose.Imarveledathowshe’dshownuptohelpmemoveinaplaidskirtandthigh-highsockswithwhiskersatthetopofthem.
Rileycameinafterher,twoboxesbalancedinherarms.Oneofthemhadmytextbooksandtattoobooksinthem,andtheotherwaseverythingfrommybathroom.Thefactthatshecarriedbothofthemliketheywerejustacoupleofpillowsremindedmeofallthestrengthpackedintothattinypackage.
Whatwasitthatherboyfriendcalledher?
MightyMouse.
Shewasinherusualathleisure,sportingNBUFootballacrossthechestofhercroptanktop.Iwonderedifshe’dhadthatspecificallymadeforher,sinceshewastheonlyfemaleontheteam,andIdoubtedthestaffhadacroptoponthemenuforteamswag.
“IthinkyouhavemoremakeupthantheentireKappaKappaBetasororityhouse.”Shehuffedonceshesettheboxesinthecorneroftheroom.
“Makeupistomewhatfootballistoyou,”Isaid.
“Wouldn’tthatbetattooing?”Gianaargued.
Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow,theymightbetiedforfirstplaceinmyheart.”
ImetRileyandGianathroughJuleplastyear.RileywastheNorthBostonUniversityfootballteam’skickerandGianaworkedfortheteam’sPublicRelationsdepartment.Theywerebothdatingfootballplayers,andIhalf-blamedthemfornothelpingmetalksenseintoJulepwhenshewasfallingforHolden.
Thenagain,Julepwasengagednow,soIguessitwasmewhowasinthewrong.
Icouldn’thelpit,projectingmyownfeelingstowardfootballplayersontomyroommatewhenIsawsoclearlythatshewasfallingfortheguy.Footballplayershadruinedmylifeinhighschool,andasfarasIwasconcerned,theywereallassholes.
Nomatterhowmythreefriendstriedtoprovethattheorywrong.
Ilaughedinternally,notmissingthejokeofmenowlivingwiththreefootballplayers.
“I’mgladyoutookLeouponhisoffer,”Gianasaidafteramoment.“IwouldhaveforcedyoutosleeponmineandClay’scouchotherwise.”
Iwrinkledmynose.“Yeah,no,thanks.Idon’twanttoknowthesmuttybookscenesthatcouchhasbeenusedtoreenact.”
Claywasthesafetyontheteam,andheandGianahadbeendatingtwoseasonsnow.Ofcourse,thatfirstseason,theyweretechnicallyonlypretendingtodate,butitstillcounted.
“Youthinkthecoucheshereareanybetter?”Rileypoppedabrow.
Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands.“I’malreadyregrettingthis.”
“Regrettingwhat?”adeepvoicecalledbehindme,andthenKyleRobbinswasslidingintotheroom.HefloppedontothebednexttoGiana,makingherbounceintotheairlikesheweighednothing.“Thisisgoingtobethebesttimeofyourlife.”
“Ew,Kyle,you’resweaty!Getoff,”Gianasaid,pushinghimaway.
KyleRobbinswasthedefinitionofadouchebag—atleast,inmyexperiencewithhim.HemadethemostoftheName,Image,andLikenessopportunitieshehadasacollegeathlete,signingeverydealofferedtohimnomatterwhatthebrandwas.IhadtounfollowhimonsocialmediabecauseIsworeifIsawonemoresponsoredpostthathetriedandfailedtomakeseemnatural,Iwasgoingtorollmyeyessohardtheyfelloutofmyhead.
SometimesIwonderedhowhewasevenontheteamafteralltheseyearsandalltheshithe’dpulled—includingostracizingRileyherfirstyearandnearlyfightingHoldenoverJuleplastseason.
Butwhenhegotonthefield,itwaseasytoseewhyheneverhadtoworryaboutlosinghispositionontheteam.Hewasabeast—tall,strong,andfreakishlyfastwithhandsthatnevermissedaballthrownwithintenfeetofhim.
“Ohshit,isthat…aPlayStation?”Kyleasked,hisgazeonmyconsolebeforehearchedabrowatme.“Yougame?”
“Hellyeah,shedoes,”Gianaansweredforme.Ismirkedalittleathowproudlyshesaidit,herchestpuffedandchinhigh.“Andshe’sabadass,too.I’vewatchedherplay.”
“Huh,”Kylemused.“WeneedtogetyouonXbox,thenwecanreallyseehowgoodyouare.”
“Xboxisfortwelve-year-oldboysorgrownmenwholiveintheirparents’garagewhodon’tknowhowtoplayanythingbutFirstPersonShootergames,”Ishotback.
Hechuffed.“Letmeguess,you’remoreintoRPG?”
“Gamesthatrequirealittlebrainpowerinsteadofjustahappytriggerfinger?Yeah,Iam.”
Kylesmiled,leaningbackonhispalms.“Ifyouwereadude,I’dragonyou.ButI’mhonestlyimpressedyougameatall,soI’llletitslide.”
“Gee,thanks.Mywholelifehasbeenmadewithyourapproval,”Ideadpanned
“Ithinkwegotthelastofit,”BradenLocksaid,andhesomehowmanagedtofithimselfintotheroomwiththerestofthezoo.
Hehadhisarmsfullofclothes,too,andinsteadoftossingthemonthebed,hemovedtotheclosetandhungthemallupasifthetwo-dozenhangersfullofdressesandjacketsandjeansdidn’tweighmorethanapound.Heleanedhishipagainstthewallthen,foldinghisarmsandlookingaround.
WhereKylewasaclown,Bradenwasateddybear.Hewasshortforafootballplayer,five-elevenifIhadtoguess,andhespenthisfreetimevolunteeringatourlocalhomelessshelterasopposedtomakingdealswithsneakercompanies.
“I’mgladyougotthisroom,”hesaid,hiseyeswashingoverthespace.“Holdenwasthecleanestofusallwhenhelivedhere.”
“Speakforyourself,Lock.Myroomisimmaculate,”Kyleargued.
Bradensnorted.“Immaculatelycloudedwithcologne.Hatetotellyou,bro,butyoucan’tcoverupyourfartsnomatterhowmuchofthatshityouspray.”
GianaandRileylaughedasKylegrabbedmypillowandthrewitathisroommate.
Ourroommate?
“Hey,uh,Mary?”anewvoicesaid,andIclosedmyeyesonaninternalgroanbecauseI’dknowthatvoiceanywhere—evenifithadagedanddeepenedfromwhenitusedtofillmyheadsetyearsago.“Wheredoesthisgo?”
Iturnedtowardthehallway,therestofthecrewcraningtheirneckstodothesame.AttheendofitnearthetopofthestairsstoodLeo.
Hewasleaningagainstthewall,onelegcrossedovertheotherandacasualindifferenceinhisstance.Hislipswerecurledupononesidelikehekneweverysecretyounevertold.Onehandwasinthepocketofhisjoggers,hisarmrelaxed,andyethisbicepbulgedlikehe’djustfinishedworkingout.Andinhisotherhand…
Wasmyfuckingdildo.
Myeyesnearlypoppedoutofmyheadaspanicandembarrassmentrippedthroughme,butIdidn’tleteitheroneofthoseemotionslatchonbeforeIwasstormingthefewstepstowardhimandyankingitoutofhishand.
“Whatiswrongwithyou,”Iwhisper-yelledthroughmyteeth.
“Hey,youtoldustogeteverythingoutofthenightstand.Ifiguredthatwasthemostimportantitem.”Henoddedatthedeviceclutchedinmyfist,andmyneckheatedevenmoreasItuckedthethingbehindmybackandoutofhisview.
“Whatisit!?”Kyleasked,andthenIturnedjustintimetofindhimandeveryoneelseinthedoorway,oneheadpoppingoverthenextlikeabunchoffuckingnestingdolls.AlltheireyescaughtontheneonpinksextoybeforeIcouldturnandputitoutoftheirview.
KylewhistledatthesametimeGianaandRileylaughed.Giana’slaughwasalittleshy,hercheeksturningpink.Rileyseemedimpressed.Bradenwastheonlyonekindenoughtopretendlikehedidn’tseeitashedippedbackintomyroom.
“Damn.Wouldn’twanttobethemantocompetewiththat,”Kylesaidwithasmirk.
“Doesthathavemultiplerotatinglevels?”Gianaaskedwithanarchedbrow.“IthinkIreadaboutoneofthoseinamotorcycleclubserieslastyear.”
IletoutafrustratedgrowlbeforeslappingLeo’sshoulderwiththeonlyweaponinmyhandbeforeIrealizedwhatIwasdoing.“Seewhatyoudidnow?”
“WhatIdid?”Hismouthwashangingopen.“Youjusthitmewithyourdildo.”
Thatmadeeveryonedownthehallburstintoafitoflaughter,butmycheeksonlyburnedmore.Normally,I’dhavesomethingtoshootbackathimanddeflatehisego,butIwascurrentlygoingagainsteveryfiberinmybeingandmovingintothesamedamnhousewiththeoneboyIhated.Addinthefactthat,althoughIknewthisteasingwasharmless,italsopokedtheverysensitivebruiseleftbehindafteryearsofbeingbulliedinhighschool.
Mynerveswerefrayed.Mybrainwasscrambled.
Iwasquitepossiblymakingtheworstdecisionofmylife.
Itwasaneasyonetomakewhenthealternativesweresodepressing—liveinahoteluntilIranoutofmoney,sleeponsomeone’scouch,or,theworstofall,movehome.
Iswallowed,notevenwantingtoconsiderthataviableoption.
Butthis…
Thisdidn’tfeelliketherightone,either.
“Thiswasamistake,”Isaid,myvoiceabittooquiet,andalreadyIwasmarchingdownthehall.“Icanfindahotel.I—”
MysentencewascutshortwhenIwaswrappedupfrombehind,andIsquirmedinLeo’sgrippointlesslyashecarriedmebacktowardthebedroom.
Thefactthathecouldevenliftmelikethismadeithardtosayaword—IwasnottinythewayRileyandGianawere—butthefactthatIwaspressedupagainsteveryinchofhimwithhisarmpornwrappedaroundmesealedthedeal.Ifeltthosebicepslikeastraitjacketandawarmhugallatonce,hischestandabspressedagainstmybackandassinawaythatmadeitimpossiblenottoblush.
“Relax,roomie.We’rejustgivingyouahardtime.”
Hisvoicewasrightinmyear,hisbreathwarmonthebackofmyneck,andIhatedhowchillsbrokeoutovermyskinatthecombination.
“Notashardofatimeasthatguyinyourhand,Iimagine,but—oof!”
Icuthissmart-assremarkshortwithadriveofmyelbowintohisgut.
“It’showweshowlove,”KyleaddedwithagrinwhenIwascarriedthroughthethresholdofmyroomagainstmywill.
“Putmedown,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.
Leocarefullysetmyfeetbackontheground,mybacksiderunningdownthelengthofhimintheprocess.IignoredtheheatcrawlingovermeasIputdistancebetweenusandcrossedtowheremynewnightstandwas.Iopenedthetopdrawerandshovedthehotpinkmonsterintherebeforeslammingitshutandturningtofacetheroom.
“Ifthisisgoingtowork,weneedrules,”Isaid.
“Rulenumberone:Nohittingroommateswithsupersizedsextoys.”Leohelduphispointerfingerwithamischievoussmirkonhislips.
Igroundmyteeth,fingerscurlingintofists.IwasreadytopullmytoybackoutandhurlitathisheadbeforecallingamovingcompanyregardlessofwhetherIcouldafforditornot.Therehadtobeaseedyhotelinthiscitythatcouldserveasamakeshifthomeforacoupleofmonthswithoutbleedingmedry.
Anythingwasbetterthanthis.
Itwasamistake,oneImadeinamomentofdesperationwhenitseemedliketherewerenootheroptions.IwasalreadymovingtograbthefirstboxoffthefloorandhikeitbackacrossthestreetwhenBradenputahandonmyshoulder,stoppingme.
Ilookeduptofindhissoftblueeyesunderbentbrows,andIcouldn’texplainhoworwhy,butjustthatonelookmademereleaseaslow,easyexhale.
“Hey,”hesaid,squeezingwhereheheldme.“Don’tlettheseclownsgetunderyourskin.Theirhumoroffthefieldisalmostasbadastheirgameonthefield.”
Thatearnedhimasnortfromboththeguys.
“Wewanttohelp,”hesaidloudlyenoughtodrownthemout,andatthat,hestoodandpinnedhisroommateswithaglare.“Andifsettingsomegroundruleswillmakeyoufeelmorecomfortable,we’reallears.Right,guys?”
Kyle’scockygrinfalteredabit,andhenodded.“Ofcourse.He’sright,Mary—wedon’twanttomakethisanymoredifficultforyouthanitalreadyis.”
Irelaxedabit,andthenalleyeswereonLeo,whowaswatchingmewithanunreadableexpression.Itwasalmostlike…studyingme.
LikehejustrealizedIlookedfamiliar,buthecouldn’tplacewhy.
“Leo,”Bradenscolded.
Leoshookhishead,likehe’dbeensnappedoutofadaze.Buthiseyeswouldn’tleavemine.Heclearedhisthroatandthenswepthishandovertheroom.“Thefloorisyours.”
Istraightened,smoothingmyhandsovermyjeans.Then,Isighed,pinchingthebridgeofmynoseasIclosedmyeyes.“I’msorry.Iknowyouguyswerejustjokingaround.AndnormallyI’dbefiringitrightback,butI’mjust…alittlestressed.”
“Understandablyso,”Rileypointedout.
Inodded,droppingmyhandtomythigh.“Wedon’tneedrules.Well,”Iamended.“Maybeacouple.Like…justdon’tcomeinmyroomwithoutmypermission.Don’ttouchmystuff.Don’thitonme,evenifit’sajoke.Cleanupafteryourselves,especiallyinthecommonareas.”
“Lookingatyou,Robbins,”Bradenchirped.
“Fuckoff,Ipickupaftermyself.”
“Tellthattothepileofclothesbythefrontdoorthat’sstartedgrowingitsownhabitat,”Rileychimedin.
“Hey,thisisaroommates-onlydiscussion,Novo,”Kylesnipped.“Whydon’tyougoplaywithyourboyfriend.”
“Gladly,”shesaid,hoppingoffthebed.Shecrossedtheroomandwrappedmeinahug.“Pleasecallmeifyouneedhelpwranglingtheseguys.I’vehadplentyofpracticethelastthreeyears.”Whenshepulledback,sheleveledherstarewithme,droppingthejoke.“Seriously.I’mhereifyouneedme.”
“Me,too,”Gianapipedin,andthenherarmswerearoundmeandRileyboth.“Ileftsomenewbooksforyouontheshelf.They’remyfavoritecomfortreads.Thoughttheymightbenicefortheadjustmentperiod.”
Isighedonasmile,huggingthetwoweirdosback.Iwasn’treallyusedtohavingfriends—atleast,notmorethantheonesImadeplayinggamesonline.ButIwasreallygladinthatmomentthatJulephadchangedthat,andhadintroducedmetoRileyandG.
“I’llbefine,”Iassuredthem.
“Yes,youwillbe.Andthiswillallblowoversoon.You’llbebackacrossthestreetinafixed-uphousebeforeyouknowit,”Gianasaid.
Rileynoddedtowardtheroom.“Untilthen,feelfreetousewhatevermeansnecessarytosettheseguysstraight.”
“Wearestillhere,youknow,”Bradenteased.
RileysmiledathimandleaneduponhertoestokisshischeekbeforeloopingherarmthroughGiana’s.TheywavedgoodbyewithafewmoredigsatKyleontheirwayout.
MygazesnaggedonLeo,whowasunusuallyquiet,hisarmsfoldedashewatchedeverythingtakeplace.Whenthegirlsweregone,Iclearedmythroat.
“IthinkIjustwanttostartunpacking.”
“Nomorerules?”Kyleteased.
“Basically,she’ssayingbeadecenthumanbeing.Thinkyoucanmanage?”Bradenasked,sockingKyle’sarmashepassed.Kylejumpedupandstartedchasingafterhim.TheywerebarrelingdownthestairswhenIheardBradencallout,“WelcometoThePit,Mary!”
Andagainstallthestresswoundthroughmybody,Icrackedasmile.
UntilIrememberedLeowasstillintheroom.
Hepushedoffthewalltostand,crossingtheroomandtuckinghishandsinhispockets.Iresistedtheurgetolookdownatwherehispocketswereinthosedarkgrayjoggersbecausetheyshouldhavebeenillegal,forwhatlittletheylefttotheimagination.Whywasheevenwearingjoggers,anyway?Itwasseventy-fivedegreesoutside.Hewassweating.
Don’tthinkabouthissweat,Mary.
“Hey,I’msorryifImadethisharderonyou.ImeantwhatIsaidtheotherdaywhenallthiswentdown.You’reourfriend,andwewanttohelp.”
Isnortedabitatthewordfriend,whichonlymadeLeofurrowhisbrowsmore.
“I’mserious.”
IhatedthesincerityinhiseyesmorethanIhatedhimteasingmewithmybrightpinkdildo.
“It’sfine,”Isaid,wavinghimoffandcrossingmyarmsovermychest.IlookedaroundattheroomsoIdidn’thavetolookathim.“Ijustwanttogetstartedunpacking.”
“Wantanyhelp?”
“No.”
Iansweredalittletooquickly,alittletooaggressively,butIdidn’tredactthesentiment.ItwasalreadygoingtobehardenoughexistinginthesamespacewithLeo,Ididn’twanthimthinkingIwantedanykindoffriendship.
“Alright,”heconceded,runningahandbackthroughhishair.“Well,whenyou’resettled,Icanshowyouaroundalittle,giveyouthelayoftheland.Thewasheranddryerareprettyold,needalittleTLCwhenyouwanttousethem.”
“I’msureIcanmanage.”
Henodded.“I’lljustleaveyoualone,then.”
“Finally,Igetmywish.”
Leosmirked,butthatdamnquestionwasstillinhiseyesasheturnedandleftmetoit.
WhenIwasalone,Ifloppedontothebedandstaredupattheceiling.
Iprobablyneededtocallmyparentsandtellthemwhatwashappening,butjustthethoughtofitmademewanttopitchmyselfofftheroof.IcouldhearMom’scondescendingremarksalready,couldhearthewayshe’dbelittlemeandmychoicesbeforecryingonmydad’sshouldertogethissympathy,asiftoaskwhatdidIdotodeserveawildchilddisappointmentlikeMary?
Dadwouldn’tbemad.He’dlikelybarelyreactotherthantoaskifIwasokayandifIneededanything.He’dprobablywiremoneyintomyaccountwithoutawordandthenI’dhavetopaythefeestowireitbacktohimbecauseI’drefusedtotakeanythingfromthemsincethedayImovedout.MomwouldthendemandIcomehome,andhe’dcalmher,assuringherthatIwasanadultwhocouldmakemyownchoices,whoknewwhatIwasdoing.
Thatwasalmostworse.
BecausemyfathergavemehistrustevenwhenIdidn’tdeserveit,andthetruthwas,IhadnoideawhatIwasdoing.
AllIknewforsurewasthatIdidn’twanttodoanythingMomhadpicturedforme.Ididn’twanttogotocollege,orbeinasorority,ormarrythefirstguywithapromisingcareerpathwhocamefromgoodmoney.Ididn’twantthehouseandtheyardandthetwo-and-a-halfkids.
Still,Ididn’tnecessarilywanttoberoomingwiththreesmellyfootballplayersbecauseIcouldbarelyaffordgasinmycarandacanoftomatosoup,either.
Isighed,closingmyeyes.
Temporary,Iremindedmyself.Thisisalltemporary.
Then,decidingIwastechnicallyanadultandmyparentsdidn’tneedtoknoweverything,Ipeeledmyselfoffthemattressandgottowork.Leo
“Behind,behind,”Iyelledintomyheadset,andthenIwasgettinglitup.“Mierda!”IturnedmyLegendaroundtofightback,thumbspressingwildlyonmycontroller.Myscreenwascontinuallyflashingred,thesoundofgunfirepoppingoffinmyheadphones.
Istuckmytongueoutofthecornerofmymouthinconcentration,ignoringmycharacter’sdepletinghealthuntilIhittheground.
“Bleedingout,”IcalledasIputupmyshield,cursingwhenIsawhowcloseIwastobeingeliminated.“Fuck.I’mknocked,buthe’soneshot!”
Myteammate,BlueChip206alsoknownasWarrenfromFlorida,gottomeasecondtoolate,butthefuckerwhohadtakenmeoutwasstillthere.
“Oneshot,oneshot!”Irepeated,watchingthesceneunfoldandpowerlesstohelpwithmyguylaidoutontheground.OnceWarrentookhimout,hecouldreviveme.
ExceptWarrenwasfiringathimandhestilldidn’tdie.
Then,Warrengotknocked,too.
Thegameended,andIsuckedmyteeth,scrubbingmyhandsthroughmyhair.
“Hewasnotoneshot,dude,”Warrensaidwithahuff.
Ilaughedalittleatthat.
“Alright,man,I’mgettingoff,”headdedamomentlater.
“Seeya,”Ireplied,andthenIcheckedthetimeonmyphone.Itwaslate,butIfeltrestlesstonight.Alwaysdidinthesummer.Inthefall,IknewexactlywhoIwas,whatmypurposewas,wheretobeandwhattobedoing.Summermademefeelalittleaimless,likeIwasstuckinsomesortoflimbowaitingformylifetostartagain.
Everythinghadcenteredaroundfootballformeforsolong,Ididn’tknowwhattodowithoutit.
So,IpreppedforonelastgameofApexLegends.Mightaswellenjoythelatenightsbeforeearlypracticesstarted.
Anotificationpoppedupassigningmemynewteammate,andIwasscrollingthroughtheLegendsdecidingwhichoneIwantedtoplaywithnextwhenIsawtheusername.
Itmademystomachdrop,myeyesscanningitbeginningtoend.
Octosquid68.
Thebreaththathadhitchedinmythroatslowlydeflated,myheartstillracingevenasIstaredatthenameandrealizeditwasn’twhatIthought.Ididn’tknowwhyIeventhoughtitwouldbe.Ihadn’tseenthatnameonmyscreeninyears.
Still,anytimeIsawonethatevenresembledhers,itstoppedmeinmytracks
Aflashofsomethingcrossingthelivingroomcaughtmyattention,andIturnedjustintimetoseelongblondewavesofhairdisappearingintothekitchen.Ilookedatthescreen,thenbackatwhereMarywasvisiblethroughthelittlecutoutwindowinthewallbetweenthediningareaandkitchen,andultimatelyshutofftheconsolewithmyheartbeatstillalittleunsteady.
Checkingonournewroommatesoundedlikemorefun,anyway.
Imademywaytothearchwaythatseparatedtherooms,theoldhouseshowingitsagewiththelackofopen-spaceconcept.Ileanedagainsttheframe,watchingasMaryunloadedthesmallcoolerwe’dfilledwithwhatlittleshehadinherfridgeacrossthestreet.
IknewIneededtoannouncemypresence,butIcouldn’thelpbuttakeamomenttojustappreciatetheview.Ihadn’tknownMarywelloverthelastyearofherbeingourneighboracrossthestreet—notforlackoftrying,butmorebecauseshemadeitveryclearshewantednothingtodowithmeoranyoneelseontheteam.Still,I’dhungoutwithherenoughtoknowshewasalwaysdolledup—dresses,boots,tattoosondisplay,andmakeuplikeamoviestar.NotlikeJuliaRobertsmoviestar,butlikeOliviaWilde.Alittledark,alittleedgy.
Alwayshotashell.
Butrightnow,sheworeimpossiblytightblackleggingsthathuggedeverycurveofherhipsandass,andshewasbentover,offeringitallonasilverplatterassheunloadedcondimentsfromthecoolerintothefridge.
Iclearedmythroat.“Needanyhelp?”
Shepaused,onehandstillonthecoolerasshepeeredoverhershoulder.
Andfuckifthatdidn’tmaketheviewevenhardertolookawayfrom.Nownotonlywasshebentover,butshewasbentoverandlookingbackatmewiththosekohl-linedgreeneyesandpoutyfuckinglips.
“DoesitlooklikeIcan’thandleunloadingacooler?”
IbitbacktheurgetotellherIdidn’tthinktherewasmuchofanythingshecouldn’thandle.
Instead,Isteppedfullyintothekitchen,reachingoverherheadforabeeroutofthefridgedoorbeforeIhoppeduptositonthecounter.Icrackedthetoponthecan,suckinghalfofitdowninonepull.
Maryjuststaredatme,offeringonesolo,slowblinkbeforesheshookherheadandgotbacktowhatshewasdoing.
“Areyouallsettledinyournewroom?”
“AssettledasIneedtobeforthistemporarysituation,yes.”
Ipaused,somethingfamiliarabouthervoicestrikingmelikealightningbolttothegut.Ithadhappenedearlierthatday,too,andIcouldn’texplainit.I’dtalkedtoMarydozensoftimessincesheandJulepmovedacrossthestreet.Ofcourse,hervoicesoundedfamiliar.
Butitalmostfeltlikesomethingmorethanthat.
Ishookmyhead,blamingtheweirdnessontheheatstrokeweallincurredmovingMary’sshit.
“I’msorryaboutearlier,”Isaidafteramoment,andImeantit.
IthadallbeenfunandgamesuntilI’dseenregretinhereyes.ForreasonsIcouldn’texplain,itmademealittleilltothinkaboutherspendingthenightatsomecheapmotelwithGodknowswhointheroomnexttoher.Iwasgladshetookmeuponmyoffer—thatwecouldhelpwhiletheyfixedupherplace.
“Clowningaroundiskindofmydefaultmode,butIknowshitlikethatcanbeill-timed.Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.I’msurethisisall—”
“It’sfine,”shesaid,cuttingmeoff.“Youcangobacktoyourgamenow.”
Ismirkedatthesassyinterruption.Shewasalreadymoreherselfthanearlier.“Game’sover.IthinkI’llhangouthere,instead.”
Shedidn’thavetoturnaroundformetoknowshewasrollinghereyes.
Ididn’tknowwhyIlovedtogetunderherskinsomuch.ProbablybecauseIwasusedtoaverydifferentreactionfrommostofthegirlsIencountered.Thepastthreeyearshadbeeneasyforme.IfIwantedadate,Icouldhaveonewiththesnapofmyfingers.IfIwantedagirlinmybed,IhadaphonefullofnumbersIcouldshootatexttoandgetjustthat.
ButMarySilverdidn’tgivemeanythingotherthanslightlyheatedindifference.
ItwassickhowmuchIlikedit.
Thatpricklynaturewoundmeupinawaynothingelsecould.Ilikedthatshewasn’tsimpering,thatflirtingwithmeseemedtobethefurthestthingfromhermind.Hersharpwitwasjusticingonthecake.
“Weshouldgamesometime,”Isaid.
Shefroze,onlyforasecond,butenoughformetonoticebeforeshegrabbedacontainerofyogurtandsliditintothebackofthefridge.
“KyletoldmeyouhaveaPlayStation.”
“Idoubtweplayanyofthesamegames.”
“Icouldteachyou.”
Shewhippedaround,narrowinghergazeatmewithoneeyebrowarched.
Ithrewupmyhandswithalaugh.“Oryoucouldteachme,Ididn’tmeantoassume.”
Shewasstillglaringatmeassheturnedbackaround.
“I’mnotreallyintoBattleRoyalegames,”shesaid.“Orthoseweirdassfacesyouweremakingoutthere.”
“Idon’tmakefaces.”
Sheshutthefridgedoorandslowlystood,handsbracingonherkneesasshedid.“Oh?”Shesquintedhereyes,tonguestickingoutofthecornerofhermouthfirstbeforeshestartedrollingitlikeshewastryingtoweteveryinchofherlips.Herhandswerebracedinfrontofherholdinganinvisiblecontroller,andshemadesharp,shiftymovements,lookinglikesomekindofderangedanimal
Abruptly,shestopped,herfacedeadpanagain.
“Soyoujustlooklikethatnormally?”
Iblinkedather,thenbarkedoutalaugh.“IwishIwouldhaverecordedthat.”
Shedidn’thumormewithsomuchasanotherglanceinmydirectionbeforeshepickeduptheemptycoolerandstartedwalkingtowardthestairs.Ihoppedoffthecounterandfollowed.
“Wecanstorethatinthegarage,”Ioffered.
“It’sfine,Ihaveroominthecloset.”
“Ifindthathardtobelieveaftertheheapsofclotheswecarriedovertoday.”
Shesighed,stillholdingthecooleratthefootofthestairsassheturnedtofaceme.“Isthishowit’sgoingtobeuntilmyplacegetsfixed?Youbuzzingaroundmelikeagnat?”
Ihadaquiplockedandloaded,buttherewassomethingaboutthewayshelookedatmeinthatmomentthatmadeitevaporateonmytongue.Itwasthesamewayshe’dlookedupstairsthathadmademepauseearlier—asoftnessinhereyesthatwasn’tnormallypresent,defeatslumpinghershoulders.
Itfelt…familiar,inawayIcouldn’texplain.
“IfeellikeIknowyou.”
Shearchedabrow.“Trustme—youknowabsolutelynothingaboutme.”
“No,ImeanlikeIfeellikewe’vemetbefore.”
Herlipstightenedintoaline,andwithherhandsstillholdingthecooler,sheflickedherheadbacktogetthefallenstrandsofhairoutofherface.
Inarrowedmyeyeswhenshedidn’tanswer.“Havewe?”
Shefinallylookedawayfromthestairsanddirectlyatme.
IsworeIshrankafewinches.
“Don’tyouthinkyou’drememberifwehad?”
Thecornerofmymouthkickedupatthat.“Fairpoint.NowayI’dforgetmeetingsomeonewithsuchlarge…”Myeyestrailedthelengthofher,appreciatingtheamplecurvesofherbust,herhips,herthighs.WhenImethergazeagain,shehadaneyebrowquirkedwithawarninginherglare.“Tattoos,”Ifinished.
Herlipsflattenedevenmore,andthensheturnedandheadedupthestairs.
“Ireallywouldliketoseethemall,youknow,”Isaid,leaningagainstthebottomrailingassheclimbed.
“Gotobed,Leo.”
“Comeon,tellmeaboutthem.Justone.”
“Inyourdreams.”
“Yes,actually,amongotherthings.Wantmetodetailthem?”
Shepaused,turningonherheeltolookdownatme.“You’reinsufferable.”
“I’vebeencalledworse.”
Sheshookherhead,butunderherannoyedexpression,IthoughtIsawhintsofasmile.
“I’mtootiredtodealwithyou,”shesaid,turningtoclimbthelastfewstairs.
“Needsomeonetotuckyouin?”
“Goodnight,”shecalledwhenshedippedoutofview,andIstoodthereatthebottomsmilingevenafterIheardherdoorclickclosed.Mary
ThefirstdustofdawnwasfallingoverthecityofBostonwhenIshookoutmyyogamatonthebackpatio.ItwassurroundedbythelushgardenHoldenhadgrowninhistimehere,andIclosedmyeyes,inhalingthescentofflowersandherbsandvegetablesasIwiggledmytoesonmymat.
Usually,I’dwakeandbakesometimearoundeleven,maybeevennoon,beforeI’dsettleinforayogasession.Butthatwasbecauseundernormalcircumstances,Iwasatthetattooparloruntiltwoorthreeinthemorning.I’dbeenoffthelastcoupleofnightstogetmycurrentsituationundercontrol,anditfeltlikeapieceofmewasmissing.
Icouldn’twaittogetbacktonight.
Still,evenwithoutbeingattheshoplastnight,Icouldn’tbelieveIwasupthisearly.Iblamedthelackofsleepinanewplace.
Holden’sbedwascomfortableenough,andthehousewasquietoncetheboyswenttobed.Butitfeltliketryingtosleepinatreeknowingcreatureslurkedintheforestaroundme.Iwasonedge,tooaware,likeIknewIdidn’tbelongthere.Itwasjust…strange,andIcouldn’tfullyrelax.
I’dgivenupsomewhereaftermidnight,tossingthecoversoffanddecidingtowanderthehouse.IusedtohavetroublesleepingwhenIwasakid,andIsworeDadwasconnectedtomeinawaynooneelseintheworldwasbecausehewouldsenseit.He’dknocksoftlyonmydoor,andthenhe’dtellmetoputmyshoesonandwe’dgoforawalk.
Wenevertalked,justwalkedsidebysidearoundtheblockacoupletimes.Itwouldn’ttakelongtoquietmymind,stillmyheart,andfindmyselfabitmorerelaxed.
Ialwayssleptbetterafterthosewalks.
Ofcourse,lastnight,Ididn’tfeelsafewalkingtheneighborhoodatmidnight,evenifwewereinarelativelysafesuburb.Instead,Iwalkedaroundmynewhome,slowlytakingintheeclecticdécorasIranmyfingersdownthewalls.TheSnakePithadcharacter,thatmuchwaseasytosee.Thereweresomanyremnantsofthepastfootballplayerswhohadlivedthere—pictures,knick-knacks,scuffsonthewalls.
Everyonewholivedhereleftasmallpieceofthembehind.
IstillfeltalittlewoundupwhenIfinallyambledbacktomybedroom,butIdidmanageafewhoursofsleepbeforemybodywokemewiththedesiretogetonmymat.
Withmyeyesstillclosed,Iinhaled,sweepingmyarmsoverheadandstretchinguptothesky.Onanexhale,Ifolded,fingertipstouchingmytoesaseverykinkinmybackandhamstringsletgowithasigh.Onahalfwaylift,Iinhaled,foldedoncemore,andtheneasilysteppedbackformyfirstcobraintodownwarddog.Ittookmeafewsalutationstogetfullyready,toreallyslipintothesession.
Iwasonmythirdonewhenaslapsoundhadmyeyespoppingopen.
IpeeredupandfoundBraden.
Shirtless.
“MindifIjoinyou?”heasked,hismatalreadylaidoutbesideme.
“Ididn’trealizeyoupractice.”
“Goodformobility,”hesaidsimply,andthenhewasquiet,whichIappreciated.IwasworriedforamomentI’dhaveanotherLeoonmyhands.Instead,Bradenmovedthroughhisownpracticenexttome,theonlysoundwasourbreathsasweflowed.
Oncewewerebackintherhythm,mybraindecidedtobeanassholeandfilterthroughthememoryoflastnight.Leopinningmewiththatcuriousgazeagain,thewayhe’dsaidhefeltlikeheknewme.
Itwaslikeaknifetwistinginmygut.
Partofmewantedhimtoknow,wantedhimtorememberwhathe’ddonetome,togiveevenonesmallshitaboutthegirlhehurtallthoseyearsago.
Theotherpartofmedidn’twantasingledamnthingfromhimotherthantobeleftalone.
I’dworkedhardonlettinggoofwhathappenedbetweenus—boththegoodandthebad—andIdidn’twanttobereminded.
Iwonderedhowimpossiblethatwouldbenowthathisroomwastwodoorsdownfrommine.
Andokay,soifIwasbeingcompletelyhonestwithmyself,Ihadn’ttrulydonethatmuchtoletgoofwhathadhappened.Infact,I’dmaybedonetheopposite,holdingontothosewretchedmemoriesandusingthemtoformablockofprotectiveicearoundme.
I’dlearnedtolivedespitewhathappenedtome.AndmaybethatmademestrongerthanifI’djustforgivenandforgotten.
Shakingoffthethoughts,Isankbackintomypractice,andforthenextfortyminutes,itwasjustme,mybody,andmybreath.
ItwasaroundsixthirtywhenBradenandIrolledupourmatsandtuckedthemunderourarms,walkingbackintothehouse.Assoonasweshutthebackdoorbehindus,mynostrilswereinvadedwithasweet,mouth-wateringaroma.
Bradenmoaned.“Fuckyeah,pancakes!”
Hetookoffinarun,abandoninghismatatthedoor.Heslidtoastopattheendofthehallandpaused,turningbacktome.
“Comeon,”hesaid,beckoning.
Ididn’tknowwhyIfeltsonervous,likeIwasintrudingonsomethingnotmeantforme.ButIofferedasbestofasmileasIcouldbeforeplacingmymatnexttohisandfollowing—albeitatamuchslowerpace.
MoreandmoresoundfoundmeasImademywaytowardthelivingroom.Rapmusic,dishesandsilverwaretinkering,softsizzling,andthenachorusoflaughter.IsawaglimpseofKylethroughthekitchenwindow,agoofygrinonhisfaceandhishairmussedasheflippedapancake.
Hewasshirtless,too.
Ididn’tletmyselftakeinhistall,leanbuild,orthemusclesthatlineditasIslowlymademywayintothekitchen,pausingattheframejustlikeLeohadlastnight.Andthereallthreeofthemwere—Kylemakingpancakes,Bradenpullingplatesfromthecabinet,andLeopouringcoffee.
Everysingleoneofthemwithoutagoddamnshirt.
ItwasreallyhardtoremindmyselfinthatmomentthatIhatedfootballplayerswithallthosemusclesgleamingbackatme,thetopedgeoftheirboxerspeekingoutoverthebandoftheirshorts.Kyleworetalltubesocks,Bradenwasbarefootfrompractice,andLeohadonapairofhouseslippersthatshouldhavemademelaughbutsomehowjustmadehimlookcozyinthewaythathadmeitchingtoknowwhatitwouldfeelliketohavehimcurledaroundmeonthecouchwiththesnowcomingdownoutside.
Imentallyslappedmyself,andjustintimeforLeotopophisheadupandfindmeinthedoorway.Hehadasleepysortofsmileonatfirst,hishaircurlingaroundhisears,butwhenhiseyestrailedthelengthofmeinmyleggingsandsportsbra,somethingheatedhisgaze.
“Well,goodmorning,roomie.”
Ifoldedmyarmsovermymiddle,wishingI’dstoppedtoputashirton.“Hi.”
“Youmadeitupjustintimeformyfamouspancakes,”Kylesaid.
“She’sbeenupforhours,dumb-dumb,”Bradeninterjected.“Wejustfinishedyogaoutback.”
“YougoingtodoPilatesnext?”Kyleteasedhim.
Bradenmadeafacebeforesockinghimonthearmashepassed.“Maybe.Botharegreatformobility.Greatforpickingupgirls,too,incaseyoudidn’tnoticethatI’mvastlyoutnumberedwhenIgotoaclass.”
“Wedon’tnoticebecause,unlikeyou,wedon’tneedtoencroachonawomen’sfitnessclasstogetlaid,”Leoshotback.
KyleburstintoafitoflaughterwhileBradenmadeaha-hafacebeforegrabbingapieceofbaconandhurlingitatLeo.Leoopenedhismouthandsnaggeditoutoftheair,chompingonitwithagrin.
“Youcouldn’thandlethementalsideofyoga,anyway,”Ichimedin,slidingjustabitfartherintothekitchenandleaningmyhipagainstthecounter.
Leo’seyeslandedonme,pinningmetowhereIstood.ItwasthenthatInoticedafewchainnecklacesaroundhisneck—across,aplaingoldchain,andwasthatasaint?
Ialmostsnortedatthat.
“Ohyeah?”hechallenged.“Andwhy’sthat?”
“Becauseyou’dhavetodropyourego,andweallknowyouclingtoyourslikealiferaftinthemiddleoftheocean.”
AlaughfizzledoutofBradenandKyleboth.
“I’mashumbleasapriest,”Leosaid,pressingahandtohischest.
“Andasfullofshitasaporta-potty.”
KyleandBradenletoutmixedsoundsoflaughterandjestasLeostaredatme,anamusedsmilecurlingonhislips.Iblinkedandlookedaway,hopinghecouldseeIwasboredbyourinteraction.
Atleast,that’swhatIwantedhimtothink.
ThetruthmighthaverestedmoreinthefactthatifIstaredathimanylonger,I’dstarttracingthoseflecksofgoldinhiseyes,startrememberinghowthatvoiceusedtosoundontheotherendofthephoneeverynight.
“Ladiesfirst,”Kylesaid,platingacouplepancakesforme.“ThisoneImadeespeciallyforyou.WelcometoThePit,roomie.”
Whenhehandedmetheplate,Ilookeddowntofindasmileyfacemadeoutofchocolatechipsstaringbackatmefromthetoppancake.
Andthefirstgenuinesmileindaysfoundmylips.
IarchedabrowwhenIlookedbackupathim.“Ithoughtyouwereadouchebag.”
Somethingsoftenedhisfacethen,likethatactuallyhurttohear,buthequicklylaugheditoffwithashrug.“Iam.ButI’mtryingtomakeupforbeinganassholeyesterday.There’sadifferencebetweenthetwo,youknow.”
“Yeah.Kyle’sadouche,”Bradensaid,pilingastackofpancakesonhisplate.“ButLeo’sanasshole.”
“AndBraden’sapussy,”Leoquipped.
Iinstantlyflungmyarmout,swattinghischestwiththebackofmyhandandaloudthwap.“Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?”
BradensnickeredwhileLeostaredatmeopen-mouthed,rubbingthespotI’djusthit.“Iwasjust—”
“YouwerejustusingfemaleanatomyasaninsultbecauseinyourNeanderthalbrain,pussyislessthandick—weaker,notasimportant.”
“Onthecontrary,”Leosaid,hislipscurlingashesteppedalittlecloser.“Ithinkpussyisthemostpowerfulthingintheworld.”
“Soyouwerecomplimentinghim?”Ichallenged.
Bradenshookhishead,slippinginbetweenwhereIwasglaringatLeo,andhewassmilingliketheCheshirecat.
“Alright,alright,”Bradensaid,holdingahanduptomeandhisplateofpancakesagainstLeo’schest.“Breakitup.Wedon’tneedafightthisearlyinthemorning.Besides,likeIsaid,Leo’sanass,”hesaidtomewithashrug.“Wedon’ttakeanythinghesaystooseriously.”
Bradenpoppedapieceofbaconintohismouthwiththat,exitingthekitchenandheadingtowardthelivingroomwithhisfood.IturnedmyglarebacktoLeo,readytosquareoff,butallthehumorhadfadedfromhisexpression.Healmostlookedalittle…sad
Ithoughtaboutwhenwewereyounger,aboutthenightswetalkeduntilwewerehoarseandbleary-eyed.
“Sometimes,I’mhangingoutwithallthesepeople,allmyfriends,andIjustlookaroundandrealizethatIdon’treallyknowanyofthematall,andtheydon’tknowme.Asidefromfootball,Imean.”
Anunwantedemotioncaughtinmythroat,mybrowsbendingtogetherasIwatchedLeo.Buthedidn’tlookatmeagain.Instead,hetookabreathandputhiscockysmirkbackonhisfacebeforeclappingKyleontheshoulderasheplatedhislastpancake.
“Thanksforbreakfast,man.”
“Thanksforthecoffee.Iswear,noonemakesitbetterthanyou.”
“Lajefaistheonlyone,andshe’ddisownmeifIdidn’tliveuptoherlegacynowthatI’monmyown.”
“Lajefa?”IaskedasLeofilledhisownplate,andweallploppeddownonthecouchtoeat.Therewasafoldingtablethatcouldserveasadiningtable,butitwascurrentlystickyfromwhatIcouldonlyhopewasbeerandnotthealternative.
“Theboss.Inotherwords,mimadre.”Leowinked,andthentheattentionofmyroommatesshiftedtothetelevisionwhereBradenhadjustturnedonESPN.
Ismiled,butagain,somethingpulledatmychest.BecauseIknewprobablybetterthanhisroommateshowspecialLeo’srelationshipwaswithhismom.Sheandhisdadhadsplitupwhenshewaspregnantwithhim,andsoshe’dgivenhimherlastnameinsteadofhisdad’swhenLeowasborn.Andwhilehisfatherpushedhimtofollowinhisfootsteps,hismomalwaysgavehimspacetobewhateverhewantedto.
Ofcourse,Leodidn’tplayfootballbecauseofhisdad.Heplayeditbecauseitwasintheveryfibersofwhohewas.Still,Iwonderedwhatitwasliketohaveevenoneparentwhosupportedyouinthatway.
Mydadtried,hedid.HewasgentlewithmeinawaythatMomnevercouldbe.Still,IsawthedisappointmentinhiseyeswhenItoldhimIdidn’twanttogotocollege,whenherealizedImeantitwhenIsaidIwantedtobeatattooartist.
Hedidn’tstopme,buthedidn’tsupportme,either.
Thathurtjustthesame.
Ilookeddownatthesmileyfacethatwasmeltedintomypancakesnow,andthenupatthethreeshirtlessboyschowingdownontheirmassivestacksthatcouldhavefedafamilyoffoureach.
Forthefirsttime,Ifeltmyselftakearealbreathandrelax.
“Thankyou,”Isaidoutofnowhere,andalltheguysswiveledtheirheadstowardme.“Forlettingmestayhere.It…it’sreallykindofyou.AndI…”Iswallowed,lookingdownatmyplate.“Idon’tknowwhatI’ddootherwise.”
Kylereachedoverfromwherehesatonthecouchandthumpedmyknee.“Hey,we’rehappytohaveyou.”
“Justrememberhowthankfulyouarewhenourmessstartstocreepin,”Leoadded.“Wemighthavespenttwohourscleaningbeforewestartedmovingyouinyesterday.”
“Iamalwaysclean,”Bradenargued.
Andthentheywerebickeringagain,tossingbitsoffoodateachotherandslinginginsultslikeitwastheirlovelanguage.
Ismiled.
Maybeitreallywas.Leo
“Thetwenty-sevenexesofLeoHernandez,”CoachLeereadoffloudandproud,asifIwasn’tseeingthewordsonhiscomputermonitor.Justundertheheadlinewasapictureofmeatoneofthepartieswe’dhadatThePitafterwinningthechampionshipgamelastseason.Ihadtwogirlsundereacharm,andthoughtheirfaceswereblurred,theirscantilycladbodieswerenot.
CoachliftedabrowatmewhileGianacoveredalittlecoughwithherfistinthecorner,pretendingtowritesomethinginhernotebooksoshedidn’thavetolookatme.Ihadn’tseenhersinceshehelpedusmoveMaryinlastweek,andIhadbeengladforit,forthebreakfromdoingpress.
Ihadafeelingthatwasabouttochange.
“Thenumberisprobablyclosertothirty-seven,ifwe’rebeingpickyhere,”Isaidwithasmirk.Thatwasmydefensemechanism,liketheoldblackandwhitemoviemymomusedtowatchwhenshewashavingabadday—Singin’intheRain.IlivedmylifelikeDonaldO’Connor.
Make‘emlaugh,make‘emlaugh…
Coachwasn’thavingit,though,andhissternexpressionsaidasmuch.
Isighed,sittingbackinmychairandfoldingmyarmsovermychest.“It’sasorority-runblog.It’snotlikeit’stheAssociatedPress.”
“No,butoneofthegirlsmadeitintoavideowhichhasnowgoneviral,”Gianasaid,andwhenIlookedather,shecringed,likeshewassorryshehadtobetheonetobreakthenews.“Andthismorning,itshowedupontheCollegeSportsNetworkwhentheyweretalkingaboutpredictionsforthisupcomingseason.”
“Andtheonlypredictiontheyhaveforyouisthatyou’llgetagirlknockedup,”Coachclipped.
“Coach,comeon,”Isaid,levelingagazeathim.“Youknowmebetterthanthat.I’mcareful.I’m—”
“Wastingyourtalentonthefieldbyactinglikeanamateuroffit?”heshotback.“Yes,youare.”
Izippedmylipsclosed,settlingintomychairevenmorewhenIrealizedIwasn’tgettingoutofthislashing.CoachLeewasassevereashewasuntouchableasaheadfootballcoach.He’dcomeingunsblazingasournewcoachlastseason,alegendoutofAlabamawithareputationthatfarprecededhim.Myfatherwasecstaticwhenheheardthenews,becauseinhiseyes,anyonewhoplayedorcoachedinAlabamawasinaleagueabovetherest.
CoachLeecamein,andinoneseasonhadtakenusallthewaytothechampionshipgame.
Webroughtthetrophyhome,andIknewalotofitwasthankstohim.
Buthewasalsoalittletoocondescendingformytaste,andnomatterhowmanytimesI’dhungoutwithhimoutsideofpractice,whetheritbeatThePitoratsomefamilyeventwithHoldenandCoachLee’sdaughter,itseemedhisopinionofmeneverchanged.
Thenagain,IguessIwasn’thelpingmattersbyplayingintotheroleI’dcreated.
“Leo,”Gianasaidsoftly,callingmyattentiontoher.“You’reanamazingplayer,andyouknowhowtocharmthewingsoffabird.WheneverIcallonyouforpress,Iknowyou’regoingtohititoutofthepark.”
“AndIknowwhenIcallonyouforarun,you’regoingtogetthefirstdownorwreakhavoctrying,”Coachadded.Heleanedforward,restinghiselbowsonhisdeskandfoldinghishandstogether.“Buthere’sthething—itdoesn’tmatterhowwellyoudoonthefield.IftheGMsthinkyou’realiability,theywon’tthinktwiceaboutskimmingrightpastyournamewhenitcomestimeforthedraft.”
Isnorted.“Andgettinglaidmakesmealiability?”
“Yourattitudemakesyoualiability,”Coachsnapped,histoneonethatdemandedIremembermyplace.“Thewayyoustrutintopracticelate,spendyourtimeonthesidelinesateverygamemakingeyesatgirlsinthestands,andallyourextracurricularactivitiesthatgetmoreattentionthanyouthink.”
Istayedsilent,resistingtheurgetopointouthowIvolunteeredwithPeeWeefootballeverysummer,howImentoredhighschoolkidsinthefall,howIgotstraightfuckingAsinallmyclassesinamajorthatwastwiceashardasthebullshitonesmostofmyteammatesdeclared.Thetruthwasnoneofthatmattered,becausetothemedia,itwasboring.
They’dratherplaymysamecockyremarkduringapost-gameinterviewoverandoveronthehighlightreelsastheydebatewhetherIhaveashotgoingproornot.
Butthatwasthething—Iknewwhattheywanted,whatgottheirattentionandputmeontheirprograms.Itwasfinetobeagreatrunningback,butwehadanationfullofthose.Therewerealsoplentyofkidsvolunteeringandacingtheirclasses.
IfIwantedtostandout,Ihadtogivethemareasontoremembermyname.
AndiftherewasonethingIwasgoodatbesidesfootball,itwascausingascene.
ThewayCoachandGianawerelookingatmenow,though,IguessedI’dtakenitalittletoofar.Itwasonethingtohavegeneralmanagersknowyourname.Itwasanotherentirelytohaveyournameatthetopoftheirmindwhentheythoughtaboutplayerstheydidn’twanttodraft.
“Maybejust…tightenupalittlethisseason,”Gianarecommended.“Focusonfootballandnotsomuchonthegirls.Icansetupacouplevolunteeropportunities,andwecangetaone-on-oneinterviewforyoubeforetheopeninggame.”
“No.”
Myresponsesurprisedthemboth.“No?”Coachrepeatedwithawarningedgetohistone.
“Ihatethatshit.Theyjustwanttoprobeintoyourfamilyorpersonallife,getsomesobstoryoutofyousotheycanplasteritalloverthenews.LookathowtheytreatedHoldenlastseasonwhenhewasinchingtowardthedraft.Youcouldn’tturnonSportsCenterwithoutseeingpicturesofhisdeadfamilyflashingonthescreen.”
“Andlookwhereheisnow,”Coachsaidwithouthesitation.
Isighed,sinkingevenfartherintomychair.
“Itdoesn’thavetobesuperpersonal,”Gianaofferedsoftly.“Just…openupalittle.Showthemyou’remorethanthecockyrunningbacktheythinkyouare.”
Iwantedtorollmyeyessobadly,butIrefrained.“Fine.”
CoachandGianasharedalookbeforehedismissedusbothwithanod.Gianastood,andIboltedoutoftheofficefirstwithheronmyheels.
“Hey,”shesaid,catchingthecrookofmyarm.“I’msorryaboutthatbackthere.Iwantedtohandleitwithyoumyself,but…”
“Iknow.”
Shenodded.“It’sjust…Ithinkheseesalotofpotentialinyou,Leo.Heknowsyoucanbegreat—youalreadyare.”
Isighed,butknewshewasright.CoachLeedidn’tknowhowtoshowhislovetohisplayersonlytocomedownhardonus.I’dseenthatfirsthandwithHoldenlastseason,andwithanyotherplayerhethoughthadachance.Hewasmuchharderonme,Clay,Kyle,Zeke,andRileythananyotherseniors.Hethoughtwehadpotential.
Still,itthoroughlypissedmeoffthathecouldn’tseepastthesuperficialbullshitandrealizeIwasalreadydoingallthethingshewantedmeto.Iwasapartofourcommunity—notbecausetheyasked,butbecauseIwantedtobe.Iwasdoingwellinschool.Iwasperformingonthefield.
SowhatifIwasconfidentinmyinterviews?Theylovedthatshit.That’swhymyclipsgotmoreairtimethananyoneelse’s.Andwhosaidthiskindofpublicitywasbad?Isn’tallpublicitygood,inaway?
“How’sitgoingwithMary?”
Iblinkedattherapidchangeinsubject,andaflashofMaryandherbiggreeneyeshitmelikeaballoutofleftfield.
“Good,”Ianswered.“Ithinkshe’sfeelingmorecomfortablethanlastweek.”
“Youguysarebeingnicetoher?”
Ismirked.“Verynice.”
Giananarrowedhereyes.“Don’tbecute.”
“Impossiblenotto.”
“I’llseeyoulater,”shesaidwitharollofhereyes.Shepointedherpenatmeasshebackedaway.“Angelbehavior,gotit?”
Idrewahaloaroundmyheadbeforepressingmyhandstogetherinmockprayer.Sheturnedwithasmile,andthenIdroppedmyhands,alongexhaleleavingme
IwasalreadydreadingtheinterviewsGianawouldsetup,theinevitablequestionsthatwouldcome.NomatterhowGtriedtokeepthemontrack,Iknewfromexperiencethatreporterswantedthedirt.They’daskaboutthatarticle,andaboutthegirlsinmylife—emphasisontheplural.
IfItoldthemthetruth,they’dbeletdown.
TheylovedtobelieveIwasthisbigplayer,fuckinganythingwithtitsthatwalkedpastme.Thatsaidathlete.Thatsaidcockyson-of-a-bitch.
Iftheyknewthatofthosetwenty-sevengirlsinthatarticle,I’donlysleptwithfourofthem?
They’dbemuchlessinterested.
DidIlovetheattentiongirlsgavemeasacollegefootballplayer?Hellfuckingyeah,Idid.WhowasItoturndownagirlwhowantedtodanceataclub,ormakeoutatThePit,ortakeabodyshot,orwearmyjerseytothegames?
ButsomethingsoftaboutmethatIwouldn’tadmittoanyoneotherthanmymotherwasthatIneededtofeelaconnectiontoawomanbeforeIwantedtofuckher.
Ihadnoproblemmakingout,orevenhittingsecondbasewithsomeoneIdidn’thavefeelingsfor.Iwasaman,afterall,andImuchpreferredarandomgirl’smouthtomyhand.Butwhenitcametostrippingdown—literallyandfiguratively—Iwasalotmorepicky.
Ineededtofeelsomething.
Icouldn’tlayastrangerdownandlookintohereyesinamomentsointimate,inasituationwhereIfeltsovulnerable,andnotknowasinglethingaboutherorfeellikeshedidn’tknowme.Icouldn’tfuckagirlandthenimmediatelyputmyclothesonandleave,oraskhertodothesame.
Ineededtorelatetoher,beintriguedbyher,becomfortedbyher.
Andforthat,Iblamedthefirstgirlwhoevermademefeelthatway.
Idraggedmyassdownthestadiumhallway,passingbythelockerroomandheadingstraightfortheweightroom,instead.IbarelywarmedupbeforeIsetupattheangledlegpress,stackingthree-hundredpoundsofplatesonthemachinebeforeIsatdownandhuffedoutthefirstsetofreps.Ifeltsomeofthetensionmeltoutofme,butmythoughtsdidn’tquiet.
Iletmyheadfallbackagainstthebench,staringatmysneakersasIcaughtmybreath.
Ididn’tevenknowhername.
Thatwaswhatbotheredmemostalltheseyearslater.Itmademesickthatsheghostedme.Itcoiledmygutstothinkthatsomethingmighthavehappenedtoher.ItmademefuriousthatIdidn’tpushhardertomeetinperson,toputafacetothegirlwhohadpermanentresidenceinmyheadandmyheart.
Butnotknowinghername?
ThatmeantIdidn’thaveaprayerofeverfindingher.
Ishookmyhead.“Stopbeingsuchafuckingpu—”
Theworddiedonmylips,andIpausedbeforealittlelaughexhaledoutofmerememberinghowMaryhadslappedmethelasttimeI’dusedthatwordasaninsult.
Pullingthelatchesatmyside,IfocusedonmycoreandmybreathingasIreppedoutanotherset,andthenIlockedtheweightbackintoplace,legsburning
Ididn’twanttothinkaboutmypastanymore,aboutthefactthatIwashunguponsomeonewholikelyneverthoughtofmenow.Shewouldbeincollege,too—ormaybegraduatedalready.Ormaybeshedidn’tgotocollegeatall.
Maybeshehadaboyfriend.Maybeshewasalreadymarriedandknockedup.
I’dneverknow.
“Letitgo,man,”Iurgedmyself,andthenIunlockedtheweightagain,preppingmybreathbeforeIbroughtmykneestomychestandthenpoweredthemstraightagain.Overandover,Ipusheduntilmyheartwasracingandmylegswereonfire.
Andfinally,mythoughtsdriftedaway.
Forthenexthour,itwasjustmeandtheweightroom.Iwastheonlyplayerinthere,andIdidn’tevenputonheadphoneslikeItypicallydid.Isavoredthesilence,savoredthewaymybodytookthepainandpressureoffmyheart.
Oneday,I’dwakeupandnoteventhinkofheratall.
Oneday,I’dmeetsomeonenew,someonewhomademefeelthewayshedid,butstronger.
Oneday.
Untilthen,Ihadfootball.
ThatwasallIneeded.
IwasexhaustedbythetimeIdraggedmyassbacktoThePit.Betweentheearlymorningconditioning,thewhippingfromCoach,thepunishmentIself-inflictedintheweightroomandanentireafternoonofPeeWeepractice,IwasreadytocollapsebeforeIevenmadeitthroughthedoor.
WhenIdid,IransmackintoMary.
Iopenedthefrontdoorandblewthroughit,andwhenIturnedtothelefttoimmediatelytossmygymbagontothedisgustingcushionunderourbaywindow,Icollidedwithher,knockinghersohardshenearlytoppledoverthearmofthecouch.Mybagandherpursebothcrashedontotheoldhardwoodfloor,butIfocusedonmakingsureshedidn’tjointhem.
Myhandsshotout,catchingherbythehipsjustasthebackofherkneeshitthecouch.Sheangledbackwithasurprisedsqueak,armswindmilling,butIkeptherfromgoingdown,pullingherbackupontoherfeet.
Hereyeswerewidewhenshewasuprightagain,chestheavingabitlikeI’dscaredtheshitoutofher.IguessedIprobablyhad,swingingthroughthedoorlikeabatoutofhellandnearlytacklingher.Ikeptmyhandsbracedonherwaist,makingsureshewassteady,andherhandshadfoundmyshouldersoncetheystoppedflailingabout.
Now,wewereabouttwoinchesapart,andItookthelackofdistanceasanexcusetosoakherin.
Iwassousedtobeingkeptatadistance,butnow,Icouldseeeverycurvetheburntorangedressshewaswearinghugged,andeverylittletattoopeekingoutfromunderthefabric.Inotedtheflowerswrappinghershoulders,thelittlebumblebeenestledunderhercollarbone,theimpressivesternumpiecethatspannedherchestanddisappearedunderherdress.Shewasn’twearingabra,either,herbreastsgapingenoughformetoseehowthattattoodippedbetweenthem.IfollowedtheblacklinesofthatinkuntilIcouldn’tseeanyfarther,andthenlingeredontheoutlineofthemetalpiercinghernipples.
Fuckme.
Myeyesdroppedtowheremyhandsheldherhips,continuingdowntowheretheinkbeganagainunderthehemofherdress,coloringherthighsandkneesandshinsallthewaytoherblackboots.
Itookmytimetrailingmygazebackup,andwhenmyeyesmethers,sheliftedherchinmarginally,asifIwereapredatorandshewantedtoproveshewasn’tafraidofme.Herseptumpiercingglintedinthelight,andInotedhowherthroatconstrictedwithathickswallowbeforeshepressedherhandsintomychestandshovedmeaway.
“Canyouwatchwhereyou’regoing?”shesaid,annoyanceevidentinhervoice.Thenshelookeddowntowherethecontentsofherpursehadspilledout,sighingasshedroppedtoherkneestostartpickingitallup.
Iwasreallytemptedtostandthereandenjoythatview,butgoodsensefoundmeandIbenttohelpher.
“Sorry,”Isaid,scoopingupalipstickandmascaraanddumpingthemintoherbag.“Ididn’texpectanyonetobehome.”
Wefinishedgatheringherbelongingsoffthefloor,andIheldoutahandtohelpherstand.Shelookedatit,scoffed,andusedthecouch,instead.
“Whereareyouoffto?”Iasked.
“I’msorry,areyoumydaddynow?”
“Ineverysingleoneofmydreams.”
Maryfoldedherarmsoverherchest,thatusualboredexpressionshelovedtowearsettlinginanderasinganytraceofthatcuriositythathadbeentherebefore.I’dfeltit,though—thewayherbreathhitchedwhenIhadmyhandsonher.
ItgavemetheconfidencetopinherwithacockygrinthattoldherIsawrightthroughtheact.
Sheflattenedherlips.“Youlooklikehell,bytheway.”
“Andyoulooklikeasnack,”Ishotback.“Wehaven’tgivenyouapropertourofthehouseyet,havewe?Wecoulddothatnow,startwithmybedroom…”
IthoughtIsawaflickerofsomethinginhereyes—amusement,maybe?Desire?ThetemptationtosayyestomyofferjusttoseeifImadegoodonit?
Butshejustshookherhead,pressinghertongueintohercheekasshescrutinizedme.“Thatactuallyworksforyou,doesn’tit?”
Shelookedalmostsorryformeasshepushedpast,andalltheplayfulnessdiedwiththatlook.Iclosedmyeyes,internallygroaningattheidioticcommentasmyhandshotout,catchingthecrookofherelbowandspinningherbackaroundbeforeshecouldreachthedoor.
“Wait,”Isaid.
Sheshookmeoff.“Stoptouchingme.”
“Sorry.”Ithrewmyhandsupinsurrender.“Forthebedroomcomment,too.It’sbeenalongdayandIwasjust—”
“Joking.Yes,I’maware,”shesaid,foldingherarmsoverherchestagain.Ithoughtshewasgoingtolayintome,butshejustfellsilent,hereyesflickingbetweenmine.
Ishiftedunderthatlingeringgaze.
“Whathappened?”sheasked.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Yousaidit’sbeenalongday.Whathappened?”
Isighed,rakingahandbackthroughmyhairasIlookedawayfromherandoutthebaywindow.“Justsomemediabullshit.”
Maryfrowned.“What’dyoudo?”
Ichuckled.“WhydoyouautomaticallyassumeIdidsomething?”
Allshedidwasarchabrow.
“Somesororitygirlwroteastoryaboutmebeingaplayer,essentially,”Isaid,shrugging.“Thetwenty-sevenexesofLeoHernandez.”
“Twenty-seven,huh?”Maryletoutalittlewhistle.“Impressive.Allinthesamesorority?”
“Ofcoursenot.I’mnotamonster.”Igrinned.“Itrytokeepittofiveperhouse.”
Itwasajoke,onethatcamesoeasilyfrommeIwasalmostsurprised.Almostbeingthekeyword,becauseitwaseasierforthisfronttoslipoutthananythingclosetothetruth.
ItwascleartomethatthewayIpresentedmyselfwasexactlyhowMarysawme,too,whensherolledhereyes.
“So,thearticleisaccurate,then?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”Ichallenged.
Shetiltedherheadabittotheside,andagain,Ifeltmyselfwanttofidgetundertheweightofhergaze.Thelongeritlingered,themoreIfeltlikeshewasstrippingmedownwithoutmypermission.
“Ithinkyou’vegottenreallygoodatplayingthepart.”
Herwordsshockedmesilent,alltracesofhumorleavingmeatthesoundofthem.“Whatpartisthat?”
Thecornerofhermouthtiltedup,butthenshedroppedhergaze,fishingherkeysoutofherpurse.“Ihavetorun.Ihavesomelaundryinthedryer,butI’lltakecareofitlater.”Shepointedakeyatme,then.“Don’ttouchit.”
“What,youdon’twantustodosomethingniceforournewroommatelikefoldherclothes?”
“Idon’twantoneofyoupervertsstealingmypanties.”
“Oh,nowthere’sanidea…”
“Leo,”shethreatened,pokingthatkeyoutevenmore.
Ichuckled.“Don’tworry,yourthongsaresafe.Now,yourhotpinkfriendupstairs,ontheotherhand…”
Marysuckedherteethbeforeturningonherheelsandswingingoutthefrontdoor.“GOODBYE.”
Ismileduntilshewasgone,thankfulsheleftonamoreplayfulnote.
Butonceshewasgoneandthehousewassilent,thatsmileslipped.
Andherwordsreplayedinmymindfortherestofthenight.Mary
IneverthoughtI’dbesohappyscrubbingatoilet,buthereIwaswithrubbergloves,bleach,andagiantassgrinonmyface.
Becausetoday,Iwouldgettotattooskin
Notfakeskin,notagrapefruit,notmyskin—butareallivehumanbeingwhotrustedmeenoughtolaypermanentinkintotheirbody.
ItwasallIcoulddonottohumandskiparoundtheshopasIcleaned,makingsureitlookedpristinefromthemomenttheclientwalkedthroughthedoorallthewaybacktothebathroom.IsanitizedtheiPadsatthefrontdesk,tidiedupalltheartiststations,sweptandmoppedandorderedthesupplieswewererunninglowon.Allthewhile,theshopbuzzedwithconversationbetweenartistandclient,bass-heavydeephousemusicplayingasabackgroundtoallofit.
“Mary,doyouknowwherethe—”
IhandedafreshbottleofblackinktoTraybeforetheycouldfinishtheirsentence,andtheychuckled,takingitoutofmyhand.
“Don’tknowwherewe’dbewithoutyou,”theysaid,thelightgleamingofftheirturquoisehair.
“I’msureyou’dfindsomeoneelsewhocouldstocktheshelves.”
“Maybe.Butnooneelsewhocouldorganizeourlivesthewayyoudo.”
Withonelastsmile,Trayskippedovertowheretheirclientwaswaiting,andIbeamedunderthepraiseevenifIknewitwassuperficial.Anyonecoulddomyjob,really,exceptforthetattooingpart.Butthatwasonlyreallystartingtoday.
Today.
Iwastattooingskintoday!
Withmorepepinmystep,Icontinuedthroughtheshop,stoppingbyeachartiststationtomakesuretheyhadeverythingtheyneededfortheweek.
Iwasusedtotheseduties—theywerethesameonesI’dhadsinceIstartedasanapprenticeatMoonstruckTattoosoverayearagonow.InthetimeI’dbeenhere,I’dspenthalfmyhourscleaningtheshoplikeitwasmyhome,andtheotherhalfstudyingeveryartistinhere,notebookintow,myeyestrainedontheirhandsandwatchingtheireverymovement.
Mybossandtheowneroftheshop,Nero,wasmyfavoritetoshadow.
NotonlywasheskilledinawayIaspiredtobe,withsteadyhandsandperfectlinesandshadingthatmademephysicallydrool,buthewasalsosocomfortableinhisworkthathecouldanswermyquestionswithoutahintofannoyanceinhisvoice.I’dpeeroverhismassiveshoulderandaskwhyhechoseaspecificneedle,andhe’danswerinfulldetailwithoutbreakingconcentrationwithhisart.IneverhadtowaitforabreakorworryI’dmesshimupwhenaquestionpoppedintomyhead,andifanything,he’dgivemealookofdisappointmentiftoomuchtimewentbywithoutmeaskingaquestion.
Therestoftheartists?
Well,theyallhadtheirownwaysofteaching,andmostofthempreferredmetostayunseenandquietuntiltheyweredonewiththeirworkbeforeIaskedanything.
I’dfirstcomearoundMoonstruckasafresh-skinnedeighteen-year-oldjustdesperatetogetsomeinkonme.I’dstilllivedwithmyparentsthen,andMomhadactuallyfaintedwhenshesawmyfirstone—alittleheartonmyribcagethatIthoughtIwouldbeabletohide.
AndIhad,untilshe’daccidentallywalkedinonmechangingonemorning.
Afterthat,therulewasnomoretattooswhileIlivedundertheirroof.
Naturally,thatmeantIhadtoleave.
MyfirstapartmentwasashantythatDaddidn’treallywantmemovinginto,butItoldhimhedidn’thaveachoice.Iworkeddayandnightatarestaurant,hostingandbussingatfirstbeforeIfinallygotbumpeduptowaitressingandcouldmakesomedecenttips.
AndanytimeIwasn’tspendingmakingmoney,Iwashere—spendingit.
Ihadalittlepieceofeveryartistwhoworkedhereonme,somemorethanothers,andonceIlearnedenoughfromthemtofeelconfidenttryingitonmyown,IwastattooinganypieceofmyskinIcouldreach.
Finally,maybemoreoutofpitythananything,Neroofferedmeanapprenticeship.
I’dneversaidyestoanythingsofast.
Inmyyeartenure,I’dlearnedthatwhatmadethedifferencebetweenagoodtattooartistandagreatonewasstyle.
Youhadtohaveavoice,avibe,anaesthetic—onethatcalledtoacertainkindofclientele.Ifyoufailedtohaveastyle,youwouldendupdoingthekindoftattoosbroughtinofftheInternet,theoneswithnoartisticfreedom.Hey,canyoudothisexactlotusfloweronmywrist?Howabouttheword‘breathe’inascriptfontyoujusttracefromthestencil?
Notthattherewasanythingwrongwiththosekindsoftattoos—infact,IwasoverthegoddamnmoonaboutthefactthatIgottodoaflowerandscripttattooonawillingclienttoday.Ididn’tcarethatitwasn’tmydesign,thatitwasonefromPinterest.
BecauseIwouldbetheonedrivingtheneedle.
Still,IlongedforthedaywhenI’dhaveachairatthisshop,whenclientswouldseekmeoutbecauseofmyart,myvision,mystyle.
Ijusthadtofigureoutwhatexactlymystylewas,first.
Ipeeledofftherubbergloveswhenthebathroomwassparkling,puttingallthesuppliesawaybeforeIslippedintothebackandgrabbedmywaterbottle.IdownedhalfofitbeforeIheardNerochuckle.
“You’redrinkingthatwaterlikeyou’reabouttohikethedesert,”hecommentedfromwherehewasatthecomputer,finalizingthedesignI’dbeworkingwith.ItwasaSaturday,oneofourbusiestnightsoftheweek,andeveryartistwaseitherwithaclientalready,orscarfingdownaquicksnackbeforetheirnextonecamein.Nerohadtheabilitytobepickywithhistime,andheonlydidlargerpiecesnow,aminimumoffourhourswork.Hisclienthadcanceledtoday,andsohe’dtakenonalast-minuterequestfromsomegirlonInstagram.
SomegirlonInstagramwhowaswillingtoletanapprenticemarkherforlife
Godblessher.
“Withhowdrymymouthis,itfeelsaboutthesame.”
Hesmiled,atoothygrinjustbarelyvisiblethroughhisthickbeard.NerowaswhatIimaginedtheRomanrulerhewasnamedafterwouldhavelookedlikeifhewastaller,beefier,coveredintattoos,andsofullofmetalhe’dnevergetthroughanyairportwithoutagoodpatdown.Hisdarkhairwaspulledbackinamessybunnearthenapeofhisnecktonight,hisbeardneatlytrimmedwhereitframedhisjaw.
“You’llbefine.Imean,lookatthisshit,”hesaid,holdinghispalmtowardthecomputerscreen.“Ifyoumanagetofuckthisup?Youmightaswellchangecareerstomorrow.”
“Gee,thanks.NowIfeelabsolutelyzeropressure.”
Hejustshookhishead,eyesonthescreen.“‘Noisafullsentence,’”heread.“Whowouldgetthattattooedonthemforlife?”
“Someonewhohassaidyesonetoomanytimesandpaidthepriceforit,”Ireplied.
“Couldneverbeme.”Hetookalonghitfromhispen,andthesweet,pungentscentofmarijuanafilledmynostrilsbeforehehandedittome.
MaybethiswasanotherreasonNerowasmyfavorite.
Itookapull,feelingabitofcalmcomeovermeasthesmokeleftmylips.Ihandeditbacktohimafterjustonehit,though,becauseonewouldcenterme,butanymorethanthatandI’drisklosingmyfocus.
“Whatifwetiedinthepoppytotheendofthescript,”Ioffered,steppingupbehindhimwithmyeyesonthescreen.“Seewheretheetrailsoff?Whatifweturnedthatintothebottomofthestem,thepoppiesbloomingoutofthewords.”
Neroconsidered.“Imean,Ilikeit—buttheclientsentinthisexactpicture.”
“It’sgoingonherforearm,right?”Ipointedathowitwaslaidoutcurrently.“That’sgoingtolookfunky,tooblock-likeinsteadoflengthening.Whatifwejustshowedhertheoptionssidebyside?Ibetshe’dseeitthen,howthisisabetterlayout.”
Hesmirkedupatme,pushingbackfromthecomputertoletmetakehisplace.IwasslightlyblushingasIslippedinandmadetheeditsontheiPad,connectingthedesignandthescriptandmakingthepoppiesalittlebitmyown,too—dainty,airy,dreamy.WhenIfinishedtweaking,Icrookedmygazeuptolookatmyboss.
“It’sbetter,”heagreed.“Butyoustillhavetoconvinceher.”
“AndyouthinkIcan’t?”
Nero’seyeslandedonmethen.“Ithinkifanyonecan,it’syou.”
Hisdarkeyeslingeredforamomentinawaythatmademyneckheat.Nerowasanattractiveman—therewasjustnowayaroundnoticingit.Buthewasalsomarried,withatattooshophiswifenamed,andhernamesprawledacrosshisleftpec.
Iwasn’tanangel—thatmuchIcouldeasilyadmit.Ilikedhavingaguy’sfacebetweenmylegsforanightorrailingmeinthemorningbeforebreakfast.Andmosttimes,wedidn’ttalkenoughformetoknowiftheywereinarelationshipornot.
WithNero,theagegapdidn’tbotherme,butasGianawouldsay,Iwasn’tintolovetrianglesorthecheatingtrope.Iknewhewasmarried,andhewasalsotheonewhosignedmypaychecks.
Hewasmybossandmybossonly—thatwasafirmrule.
BeforeIcouldreply,myphonerang,Julep’sfacelightingupthescreen.Ismiledatthepictureofmyformerroomie,duckingoutthebackdoorandintothealleywayasIacceptedthevideochat.
“Damn,girl—youtryingtogetadaddytonight?”shesaidinlieuofanormalgreeting,hereyescatchingonmycleavagebeforeshewaggledherbrows.
“Mommy,actually.I’mtattooingmyfirstskin.Here’shopingshelovesmyworkandleavesabigtip.”
Julep’smouthpoppedopenatthat.“Shutup!Areyoufreakingout?”
“Verymuchso,buttryingnotto,soplease—distractme.”
“You’llcrushit,”shesaidwithfullbelief,andmyicyheartwarmedabitatthesightofthesmilesheworesoeffortlessly.Thewayherskinglowed,howhereyesdidn’tcarrysomuchweightanymore…itwasenoughtodefrostme.She’dreallyturnedacornersincethefirsttimeI’dseenherstrungoutinourlivingroomonmovingday.Thatraggedgirlwiththedarkcirclesunderhereyeswasnothingmorethanamemorynow,permanentlybannednowthatJulephadfoundtruehappinesswithHolden.
Inarrowedmyeyesatthescreen.“Whereareyou?”
Juleplookedaroundherbeforesittingbackwithasigh.“WaitingoutsideanurserywhileHoldendecideswhichseventeenplantbabieshe’sgoingtobringhomewithus.Itoldhimhehadtonarrowitdownfromthirty.”
Icrackedasmile.“He’shavingaheydaynowthathe’sinwarmerclimate,isn’the?”
“Youwouldnotbelievetheamountofsquashandwatermelonwehaveinourbackyard.”
“TellhimhispeoniesarestillthrivingatThePit.”
“ThisfarintoJune?He’llbetickledpink.”Sheraisedabrow.“Speakingofwhich,how’sthatbeengoing?It’sbeenacoupleweeksnowsinceyoumovedin,right?”
“Tomorrowmakestwo,”Isaid,leaningagainstthebrickwallofthebuilding.“Andsurprisingly…ithasn’tbeentoobad,yet.Ifeelliketheguyshavebeenontheirbestbehavior,roommatewise.They’renotasgrossasIsuspected.”
“Colormesurprised.”Shepaused,seeminglyweighinghernextquestion.“HasLeoleftyoualone?”
Isnorted.“Idon’tthinkhe’scapableofsuchrestraint.”
“Younevertoldmewhyyouhatehimsomuch.”
Ishifted,crackingmyneck.“ForthesamereasonIhateallfootballplayers.They’recockyplayboyswithanattitudeliketheyowneverything.It’sinfuriating.”
“Yeah,butyoudon’tactthesamewaytowardHolden,orZeke,orClay,orevenKyle.”
Suddenly,mymouthwasdryagain.“Hejust…datedafriendofmineandbrokeherheart,”Ilied.“Butit’sfine,she’smovedonandLeohasbeentolerable.”Ipaused.“Iwouldlikeitifthey’dwearmoreclothesaroundthehouse,though.IsweartoGod,Julep,I’veneverseensomanynakedmusclesinmylife.”
Shebarkedoutalaughatthat.“Hey,givesyouanexcusenottowearpants.Ifthey’recomfortablenaked,whyshouldn’tyoube?”
BeforeIcouldanswer,hereyesshiftedtosomewherebehindherphoneandshelitupwithasmile.“Gottago,”shesaidasshestood,shakingherhead.“He’sgottwocartsfull.Twocarts,Mary.”
“Goodluckwiththat.”
“Andgoodluckwithyourskin,”shesaidwithalittlesqueal.“Takepictures!”
Julepblewmeakissthroughthescreenbeforethecallended,andIsmirked,tuckingmyphoneintomybackpocketbeforemakingmywayinsidetheshop.
MystomachwasalittleuneasyfromthelieIsoeasilygaveoneofmyonlyfriends,butittwistedevenmoreatthethoughtoftellingherthetruth.Iwasn’tsureifitwasbecauseIfeltpatheticforstillholdingagrudgealltheseyearslater,orbecauseitwouldhurttorelivethepainoutloud.Itwasenoughtoseehimdayinanddayoutandknowthat,evenwithmelivinginhishouse,hedidn’trecognizeme.Buttospeakthewordsintotheuniverse,toadmittosomeonewhathappened?
Itmademesicktoevenconsider.
Forasecond,IletmyselfwonderwhatwouldhappenifItoldhim,ifIwaitedforhimtogivemesomesmart-assremarkaboutwhatagreat,humbleguyhewasandthenthrewhiscrueltyrightbackinhisface.Wouldhewaveitoffwithalaugh?Callmesensitiveandaweirdoforevenrememberingit?Wouldhecallmeoutfornottellinghim?Callmeacreep?
Wouldhebesorry?
IlaughedoutloudatthatthoughtbecauseIknewwithfullcertaintythathedidn’tevenrememberwhathe’ddonetome,ithadbeenthatinsignificantinhislife.
Ihadbeenthatinsignificant.
Withanotherdropofmystomach,Iswallowed,shakingthethoughtsawayjustasthefrontdooropened,ourlittleshopbellringing.
Nerocaughtmygazewithasmile.“Betthat’syourskin.”
Andfortherestofthenight,excitementandnervesweretheonlythingIfelt,Leocompletelyoutofmymind.
Iwokethenextmorningatanungodlyhour.
Okay,itwasnine—butafterhavingmyfirstskinandbeingattheshopuntilaftertwo,itwasanungodlyhourforme
Still,IwassomehowunusuallyawakeasIthrewthecoversoff,theenergyfromlastnightstillbuzzingthroughme.Theclienthadbeenanabsolutesweetheart.Notonlydidshehugmewhenwemetasifwe’dbeenfriendssincemiddleschoolandshehadn’tseenmeinyears,butshe’dquiteliterallyjumpedforjoywhenIshowedhermyamendmentstoherdesign.Andsuddenly,Iwasn’tjustdoingatattoothathadbeendoneahundredtimesonahundreddifferentpeople.
Iwasleavingapieceofme,ofmyart,onsomeoneelse.
Itwasherfirsttattoo,butshehandleditlikeachamp,andshewasencouragingmetheentiretimeratherthanmehavingtodomuchcomfortingher.Intheend,shecriednotfrompain,butfromhowmuchshelovedthelittlepieceonherforearm,andIsawthewayNerocrookedasmileatmewhenthegirlwrappedmeinanotherfiercehug.
I’ddoneit.
I’dtattooedmyfirstclientandIcouldn’thaveaskedforittogobetterthanithad.
WhenIambledintomyen-suitebathroom,Ichuckledalittleatmyreflection.Myhairwasamattedmess,eyesdarkfromwhereIhadn’tbeensuccessfulintakingallmymakeupofflastnight.Still,Ilookedhappyinmychaotic,sleep-deprivedstate,andIgavemyselfnothingmorebutaquicksweepofahairbrushthroughmylocksandacoldsplashofwatertothefacebeforeIwasreadytoventuredownstairsforsomecoffee.
IhadmyhandonthedoorhandlewhenIpaused,glancingdownatmybarelegs.Iwasinapairofboyshortsthathikedthemselvesupmyasswithoutmetrying—mostlybecausemyasswassobig,itateeverypieceofunderwearIwore,regardlessofsize.Youcouldn’tevenseemypanties,really,undertheoversizedColdWarKidst-shirtIwore.
Iglancedovermyshoulderatthedresser,debatingsweatpants.
Andthen,IrememberedwhatJulepsaidlastnight.
IfIwereatourhouseacrossthestreet,Iwouldn’tthinktwiceaboutwalkingoutlikethis.Andtheguysallinsistedonhowtheywantedmetofeelathome,tonotwalkoneggshells.
Withashrug,Iopenedthedoorandheadeddownstairswithafuckitattitude.Itwastoohotforsweatpants,anyway.
Iskippeddownthestairs,humminghappilytomyselfasIroundedthebottomofthem.Ismiledatthesightoftheguysallpiledonthecouch,BradenandKyleplayingagameofMaddenwhileLeoateagiganticbowlofcerealandwatched.
TheywereallfocusedonthescreenasIsang,“Goodmorning.”
Ileanedahipagainstthebackofthereclinerchair,foldingmyarmsandwatchingastheylinedupforthenextplay.
“Morning,”Bradensaidwithouttakinghiseyesoffthegame.
“Coffee’sstillhot,”Kyleadded,buthedidtakehiseyesoffthescreen.
Andthen,thecontrollerwentlimpinhishands.
BradencelebratedavictoriousplaywithKyledistracted,butthenhefollowedhisroommate’sgaze,andIflushedwhentheireyeslandedonmylegs.Braden’seyebrowsshotup.Kylecrookedanappreciativesmile.
Leo,ontheotherhand,lookedlikehewastwosecondsawayfromcommittinghomicide.
Hisjawwasset,browsahardlineoverhiswarmeyesashetookinthesightofme.Hedidn’tstaretoolongbeforehisglarewasonhisroommates,andhesmackedthebackofKyle’shead.
“Ow!”Kyleyelped,makingafistandlayingitintoLeo’sbicepinretaliation.“Fucker.”
“Payattentiontothegame,”hesaid.
Kylemadeaface.“You’renotevenplaying.”
“Neitherareyou.”
BradenlookedtoLeo,whowasglaringatmeagain,beforehegavemeacurioussmileoverhisshoulder.Then,thenextplaystarted,andIcontinuedontothekitchen,pretendinglikenothingwasoutoftheordinary.
Ireachedintothecabinetabovethecoffeepot,pullingoutanNBUmugandfillingittothetop.
“Goddamn,Ididn’trealizeshehadsomanytattoos,”Kylesaidfromthelivingroom,lowenoughheprobablythoughtIcouldn’thearhimovertheTV.
“Didyouseethatoneonherinnerthigh?”Bradenwhisperedback.“Thatshithadtohurt.”
“Thatgirlisnasty,”Kylesaid,buthesaiditinawaythatmademefeelstrangely…honored?Likenastywasagoodthing.
Wasit?
Ididn’thavetimetocontemplatemorebeforetheclatteringofdishesinthesinkmademejump.Iwhippedaround,findingLeoangrilyrinsinghiscerealbowlandspoonbeforeallbutthrowingtheminthedishwasherandslammingitshut.
“Jesus,”Isaid,ahandtomychestasIcaughtmybreath.“Scaredme.”
Ismiledwiththat,wrappingmyhandsaroundmyfreshmugofcoffee.Itypicallylikedasweetcreamerinmine,butIdidn’thavethesparecashforsuchluxuriesatthemoment.MyheartsqueezedwiththememoryofhavingcoffeewithmydadinthemorningswhenIvisitedhome,howhealwayshadthebestcreamereventhoughhedrankhisblack.
Hediditforme.
“Whatdidthedishwasherdotomakeyousomad?”IteasedasIleanedagainstthecounter.
AmuscleinLeo’sjawpoppedasheturnedtofaceme,andthistime,helethiseyeswashallthewayoverme,fromwhereIknewmynipplepiercingswerevisibleundermyt-shirttowherethehemofitdroppedoffandleftmylegsinfullview.
“Didyouforgetpantsthismorning?”
Ihikedupmyshirt,whichhadhiseyesflaringashetookinmyblackboyshorts.“Ihavepantson.”
“Thosearenotpants,”heargued.
AnunattractivesnortleftmeasIdroppedmyshirtbackdown.“Wow.Youreallyaregoingforthatdaddytitle,aren’tyou?”
“I’mprettysureKylehasabonerrightnow.”
“That’sunfortunate.”
“Look,I’mnotheretotellyouhowtodress,Ijust—”
“Really?Becausethat’sexactlywhatthisfeelslike.Andyouthree,”Isaid,pointingathimfirstandthentowardthelivingroom.“Arenakedfromthewaistupeverysingleday,soyouhavezeroroomtotalk.”
AsmirkpainteditselfslowlyonLeo’slips,andhefoldedhisarmoverhisbarechest—whichwasprovingmypointsowellIcouldn’tcontainthepleasedpurseofmylips.
“Ah,”hesaid.“Sothat’swhatthisis.Givingusadoseofourownmedicine.”
“We’reroommates,”Isaid.“Andwe’realladults.Ithinkwecanhandleseeingskin,ifitmakestheothermorecomfortable.Don’tyouagree?”
Hisjawtickedagain,likehedidn’tfeelsafetoanswerthatquestion.
“You’redifferentthismorning,”hestatedinstead.
“Why,becauseI’mpantless?”
“Becauseyou’resmiling.”
Mycheeksflushedforsomereason,andIlookeddownatthemuginmyhands,anotherwidesmilesurfacingonmylipswithoutanypowerformetorestrainit.“Itwasagoodnight.”
IpeekedbackupatLeojustintimetoseehimswallowhard.“Didyouhaveadateorsomething?”
“Ew,no,”Isaidwithawrinkleofmynose,wavinghimoff.“Whohastimetodate?Ihadmyfirstskinlastnight.”
Thatmadehimarchabrow.
“Myfirsttattooonsomeonewho’snotme.Oragrapefruit.”
Atthat,Leo’sentirefacelitup,andheflashedoneofthosegoofyboy-grinsthatmademystomachhurtbecauseitremindedmesomuchofhiminhighschool.“Noshit?That’sbadass.Didyoutakepictures?”
Foramoment,Iwasfifteenagain,thatboy’sexcitedvoiceinmyearsashetoldmeaboutfootballcamp,abouthowpumpedhewasfortheseason.
Abouthowreadyhewastomeetme.
Iblinked,pullingmyphonefromwhereI’dhadittuckedinthebackofmyshorts.Leopoppedanotherbrowatthat,likeitwasamagictrick,butthenhiseyeswereonthescreenwhenIshowedhimthefinalpiecefromlastnight.
“Wow,”hesaid,takingmyphoneandzoominginonthepicture.Hestudiedthetattoolikeheactuallygaveashit.
Thatmademystomachhurt,too.
“Thisisreallygood,Mary,”hesaid,peekingupatmefromwherehestillheldmyphone.
Ireachedoutandsnatcheditback.“It’snotabigpieceoranything,andthescriptwasfromthecomputer.Ijustaddedthepoppies.It’snotreally—”
“It’sfuckingawesome,”hesaid,cuttingmeoff.
Myeyesmethis,findinghimlookingbackatmewithreverence.
“I’msurethatwasscary,butyoudidgreat.Congratulations.”
Iswallowed,myvoicequietwhenIresponded,“Thanks.”
LeokepthiseyesonmeasItuckedmyhairbehindoneearandtookasipofmycoffee.Ihatedthathedidn’tlookaway,thathedidn’tfeeltheneedtothewayIdid.Hewassofuckingconfidenthewouldstarethehottestpersonintheworldrightintheeyesandmakethemfeelinferiorsomehow.
“Haveyouheardanythingaboutthehouse?”heaskedafteramoment.
“Tryingtogetridofmealready?”
“Mightbetryingtosavemysanity,becauseifIwakeuptothiseverymorning,”hesaid,wavingahandoverwhereIstood.“I’mboundforthelooneybin.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Shutup.”
“I’mserious!”
“Margiesaidtheyshouldbegettingstartedsoon,”Isaid,ignoringhimandthewaymychestflutteredatthethoughtthatmaybeIwasatemptationtoLeoHernandez.
ThenIgrittedmyteethwithannoyanceatmyself.
WhocaresevenifIam?He’saprick,remember?
“Apparently,theywereinthemiddleofanotherproject.Butbythetimetheyassessfully,removeallthedamagedshitinthere,fixthepipes,redothewalls,thefloors,theceiling…”Isighed,thumbingthehandleofmycoffeemug.“Idon’tknowwhatwe’relookingat,timewise.”
Leoalmostlookedlikehefeltsorryforme.“Youcanstayhereaslongasyouwant,aslongasyouneedto.”
“Nottrue,”Iargued.“Eventually,you’regoingtohaveanotherteammateintheroomI’msquattinginnow.”
“Thenyoucanstayinmine,”Leoquippedback,andhecrossedthekitchenintomyspacewithasalaciousgrin.“Mybedisthebestinthehouse.”
“Andyou’dbewhere,onthecouch?”
Heshrugged.“Iguess—untilyourealizeyouwantmeintherewithyou.”Hesteppedevencloser.“I’magreatbigspoon.”Hisvoiceloweredabitthen,hiseyesrakingovermeinchbyinch.Thegoldenflakesinthemdazzledinthelight.“Anevenbetterfork.”
Iwantedtosnort,topressmyhandintohischestandpushhimawaylikeheannoyedme.Becausehedid.Andifitwasjusthimsayingthosewords,maybeIcouldhave.
Butitwasthewayhesaidthem,allruggedanddaring.Itwashowhesteppedintomyspace,howIcouldsmellhisbodywashandfeeltheheatfromhisskin.
Hepissedmeoff.
Buthealsoturnedmeallthewayon.
Ifoughttheurgetosqueezemythighstogetheragainstthesensationbuildingthere,likeifIignoredit,thatwouldmakeiteasiertopretendlikeitdidn’texist.Mynippleshardenedundermyshirtwithoutmyconsent,themetalinthemheaviersomehowasIkeptmygazelockedonLeo’slikehedidn’tintimidateme.
LikeIwasboredinsteadofwanting.
“Mary!Comeplaywithus!”Bradencalledfromtheotherroom.
Leowasstillstaringatme.
Istaredrightback.
“Marydoesn’tplayXbox,”hecalledoverhisshoulder.“Oranyofourlesserthangames.”
Therewasachallengeinhiseyes,andImetitwithmyownasIpushedoffwhereIwasleaningagainstthecounterandslippedpasthim.MyassrubbedagainsthishipasIpassed,carefulnottospillmycoffee,andthatbecameevenmoreofachoreasLeosuckedinagroanunderhisbreath.
Iploppedthathalf-coveredassdownrightin-betweenKyleandBradenonceImadeittothelivingroom,andIsnatchedthecontrolleroutofKyle’shands.
“Anythingbutfootball.”
“Halo?”Bradenoffered.
MyeyesshottoLeo,whowasstandingbehindthereclinernowsohecouldseethescreen.Iwaitedtoseeiftherewassomesortofrecognitiononhisfacewhenthegamewassuggested,butIdidn’tknowwhyIdid.Hedidn’tsomuchasblink,justworethatsamecockysmileashewaitedforustostartthegame.
Igroundmyteethtogether,andInolongerhadtopretendtobeannoyed.“HowaboutCOD,instead?”
Bradensmiled,seeminglyimpressedbythatalone,whichmademewanttorollmyeyes.Buthekeyedupthegame,andIignoredLeostandinginthecornerasIproceededtosurpriseeverysingleoneofthem.
Weplayedco-opmode,andKyleandIhadnosoonerfinishedourfirstroundbeforeBradenwasyankingthecontrolleroutofhishandssohecouldplaywithmenext.Sundaymorningslippedbylikethat,untilIgrewboredwiththegameofmakingLeoeathiswordsandstood,stretching.
“I’mgoingtoshower,”Iannounced,reachingmyhandsuptotheskybeforetwistingmybodyleftandrighttocrackmyback.
Leo,whohadbeenquietmostofthemorning,staredatwheremyshirtrodeupovermypantiesasIdid.
WhenIdroppedmyhandsandtheshirtfellbackintoplace,hiseyesfoundmine,andIsmiled.“Aslongasit’sokaywithyou,Daddy.”
KyleandBradenexchangedlooks,andLeogrinned.“I’llallowit,sinceyou’vebeensuchagoodgirl.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Someoneneedstomowthelawn,”IsaidasIgrabbedmyemptymugoffthetable.“I’llstartthedishes,butIscrubtoiletstoomuchattheshoptodoithere.Oneofyouneedstohittheguestbath.AndforGod’ssake,pleasetakecareofwhateverthatis,”IaddedasIroundedintothekitchen,pointingbehindmetothepileofgymbagsoverflowingwithsmellysocks,shorts,sneakers,andwhoknewwhatelsethatclutteredthefrontbaywindow.
AsIrinsedmymugandsetitinthetoprackofthedishwasher,IheardKylesay,“Maybeweshouldcallherdaddy.”Leo
OurpoornewQB1lookedlikehewasreadytoshithimself.
ThesunbeatingdownonusonlymadeBlakeRussosweatharderashelookedaroundattheteamwaitingforhimtotellthemwhattodo.It’dbeenanotherlongsummerdayforallofus—atwo-hourworkoutinthemorningconsistingofweightliftingandconditioningthatmadeusallwanttovomit,followedbyclasses.Andnow,thoseofuswhowantedmoretorturewereonthefieldforplayer-ledskillsanddrills.
Except,typically,itwasthequarterbackwholedus.
HoldenworeleadershiplikeithadbeeninfusedintohisDNAatbirth.Blake,whowassteppingintotakehisplacethisseasonafterimpressingallofuswhenHoldenwasinjuredlastyear,wasgettingthere.Hewasworkingonit.
Hejustdidn’tquitehavethesamedemandingseveritythatouroldCaptaindid.
Igrabbedawaterbottleandsqueezeditovermyhead,cursingatthebiteofthecoldbutlovingitallthesame.Rileygrabbeditoutofmyhandnextanddidthesame,shakingthewateroffherhairasshelookedfrommetoBlakeacrossthefield.
“Thinkwestandachancethisseason?”
“Whatkindofthinkingisthat,MightyMouse?”Zekeasked,smackingherassfrombehindashejoinedus.Sheswattedhimaway.
“I’mjustbeingrealistic.We’reachampionshipteamwithatargetonourbacknow,”shesaid.
“Andhe’snotHolden,”Clayfinishedherthought,foldinghisarmsoverhischest.Westoodtherejustlikethatinalineofcautiousstaresaimedacrossthefieldatournewquarterback.
“Hekickedasslastseason,”Iremindedthem.“Ifitweren’tforhimsteppinginwhenHoldenwasinjured,wewouldn’thaveevenmadethechampionshipbowlgame—letalonewonit.”
Myteammatesmadevariousfacesthatsaidfairpoint
Foramoment,Iwatchedthemwithanuncomfortablenostalgiaswimminginmygut.We’dallwalkedontotheteamasfreshmentogetherandhadbeenthroughsomuchthelastthreeseasons,Iknewwehadthekindoffriendshipthatwasforgedinfire.
IcouldstillrememberwhenRileywalkedintoourlockerroomthatfirstdayoffallcamplikeshehadsomethingtoprove—andshedid.Irememberedherslowlygainingourtrust,kickingKyle’sassinagameoffivehundredthatwouldgodowninourteam’shistory,andfinallygivingintoherfeelingsforZeke.
Zeke,whohadthehighestreturningyardsofanyspecialteamspuntreturnerinthelastseason.Ontopofthat,I’dwatchedhimgofromakidwhostruggledsomuchinschoolthathejustwantedtogiveuponitcompletely,toonewhotutoredthefreshmenwehadnowwhowereinthesamepositionheoncewas.
Clayhadalwaysbeenabeastonthefield,andhe’dhadthatsameeasyabilitytoleadjustlikeHolden.Butinthepastyear,he’ddedicatedhimselftoweightsandconditioning,tohisdiet,andhenowhadthebuildofanNFLplayer.Hedidn’tlooklikeakidanymore,likeacollegeathlete.Helookedlikeapro.AndIknewbythistimenextyear,hewouldbe—justlikeHolden.
MythoughtsdriftedtoCoachLee,tothelookonhisfacewhenheshowedmethatstupidfuckingarticle.
Whenhethoughtofus,ofourcrew,wheredidheplaceme?Didheseemygrowth,mypotential?
Ordidheonlyseewastedtalent?
“Ithinkhejustneedsalittlesupport,”Claysaid,andheclappedZekeontheshoulder,steppingforwardlikehewasabouttojogovertowhereBlakestoodwiththeteam.
“Wait,”Isaid.
Heturned,hiseyesmeetingminealongwiththerestofthem.
“Igotthis.”
ClayandZekeexchangedlooksbeforeClaywavedhishandoverthefieldasiftosayafteryou
Inodded,joggingovertowhereBlakestood.InudgedhisarmwhenIreachedhim.“Yougood,Cap?”
Blaketriedtosmilebutitfellflat.“I’mnotcaptainyet.”
“Andyouwon’tbeifyoukeepactinglikeyoudon’tbelonginthatQB1spot.”
“MaybeIdon’t,”hesaid,hiseyessnappingtomine.HewasshorterthanHolden,softersomehow—andyet,Ihadseenwhathecoulddo,whathewascapableofwhenheturnedhisbrainoff.“CoachbroughtinafreshmanQB,remember?Maybehe’llbetheoneouthereoncefallcampstarts.”
“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Hehitmewithalookthatsaidwhatdoyouthink?
“Stopactinglikehe’salreadyhere,likehe’salreadybetterthanyou.Youhaven’tevenseenhimplay.Besides,youaretheveteran,”Iremindedhim,pointingmyindexfingerintohischest.“Youaretheonewholedustoawinningseasonlastyear.Thatkidmighthavetalent,buthedoesn’thaveanythingonwhatyouhave.”
“Whichis?”
“Laexperiencia,”Iansweredeasily.“Experience.Skill.Andawholeteamwhohasyourback.”
Blakenodded,thecornerofhismouthlifting.“You’reright.”
“Aren’tIalways?”
Helaughedatthat,andIclappedhimonthebackbeforeturningmyattentiontowheretheteamhadbeenrestingandwaitingfordirection.
“Alright,fam.Youknowthedrill.You’reherebecauseyouwanttogetbetter,becauseyoudon’twanttowasteasinglesecondofthissummerwhileouropponentsareouttheretrainingfortheirnumberonegoal—tobeatus.Theywanttoseeuslose.Theywanttoseeustuckourtailsandlimpbackoutofthespotlightwheretheylikedus.Butisthatwhatwe’regoingtodo?”
“Hellno!”Claysaidfromtheback,andtherestoftheteamshotoutvariousagreements.
“Hellfuckingno,”Iechoed.“Nooneisheretoholdourhands.Coachcan’tworkwithusoverthesummerexcepttodirectourstrengthandconditioningstafftogetusintoshape.Butweallcameheretoworktogether,andweknowwhattodo.”IgrabbedaballoffthefieldandshoveditintoBlake’shands.“Blakewilltakeoffense.Clay,getyourdefensiveplayersonthebackfield.ZekeandRiley,workwithspecialteamsandthekickingunit.Andifyou’retrainingandyouthinkofsomethingweneedtoworkon,speakup,”Isaidtotherestoftheteam.“Idon’tcarewhatyearyouareorwhatexperienceyouhave.Infact,usually,youseemorewhenyou’reonthesidelines.Solet’sworktogether.Let’sgetbettertogether.”
Claybarkeddeepandloudlikeadog,andtherestoftheteambeattheirchestsandnoddedandbouncedupanddownliketheywerereadytokill.
“Handsin,”Zekecalled,andeveryonepiledtheirhandsoneontopoftheother.“Familyonthree.One,two—”
“Family!”
Assoonasthewordwaschanted,theteambrokeoutintothevariouspartsofthefield,readytowork.
Blakegrabbedmyshoulder,squeezingwithanappreciativesmile.“Thankyou,”hesaid,andthenheleanedinabitcloser.“Keepactinglikethat,andit’sgoingtobeyouwearingtheCaptainbadgeonyourjerseythisyear.”
Ishruggedhimoffwithajokebeforewejoggedsidebysideovertoworkoffensetogether.
Butinthebackofmymind,anewgoalbloomed.
OneIwouldpursuerelentlessly.
IwasinjustasmuchdisbeliefastherestoftheteamwhenIturneddowntheoffertogooutafterwewrappedpractice.Theysworeitwasjusttograbpizzaandacouplebeers,butIknewhowquicklythatcouldturnintobeingoutallnightlonganddraggingassintoconditioninginthemorning.
Forthefirsttimemaybeever,Ididn’twantto.
Iwastired,andsore,andsmellyashell.IknewIcouldhaveagirlinmybedbytheendofthenightifIwentwiththem,thatIcouldtakeoutsomeofmypent-upfrustrationandhavealittlefun.Butitwasn’tjustthearticleandCoach’swordsinmyearsthatstoppedme.
Ifeltfocusedonfootball,onmyclasses,andnow—onleadingourteam.
So,IdidwhatHoldenwoulddo.Ilistenedtothatsmartvoiceinsidemyheadthatsaidgohome,getsomerest.AndIdidn’tfeellikeIwasmissingout.Infact,Iwasrelieved
AllIwantedwasashower,sweatpants,tostones,andanighttounwindbeforeIwokeupatfivethirtytomorrowmorningtodoitallagain.
ThehousewasquietwhenIthrewmybagontothebaywindow.Ididadoubletake,though,becauseforonce,Iwasn’taddingittoanalready-steepingpileofshit.Instead,itwasempty—andtherewasanew,thick,navy-bluecushionwithastackofbooksinthewindowsill.OneglanceatthatbookstackletmeknowtheyhadtobefromGiana’scollection,andIsmirked,wonderingifMaryreadthem,too.
Withthatsmilestillinplace,Iluggedmybagbackontomyshoulderandhikedituptomyroom,instead.
Icouldhavestayedintheshowerforhours,lettingthathotwatermassagemysoreshouldersandback.Afterawhile,Iranitcold,knowingthatwaslikelywhatmybodyneededmorethanheat,anyway.Then,ItoweledoffandtuggedonmyNBUsweatpants,hairstillalittlewetasIpaddeddownthestairs.
IflickedonthetelevisionasIpassedthroughthelivingroom,turningonESPNbeforeIswungintothekitchenandpulledoutalltheingredientsIneeded:plantains,garlic,vegetableoil,oliveoil,salt,tomato,parsley,andfreshlycrackedpepper.
BaseballhighlightsplayedloudenoughformetohearasIpeeledandslicedtheplantains,butonceIdid,mymindfloatedawayfromthepresentandintothememoryofmakingtostoneswithmymom.ShehadmestandingonastoolnexttoherinthekitchenandlearningherrecipebeforeIevenplayedfootball—whichwassayingsomething,sinceDadhadmeinpadsattheageofsix.
ThesoundoftheoilpoppingwhenIdroppedthefirstplantainsinmademesmile,mystomachgrowlingasIgotoutabowltomixthedippingsauce.IwassofocusedontherecipethatIdidn’thearMarywalkdownthestairs,didn’tnoticeheratalluntilshewasleaningthroughthewindowthatseparatedthekitchenfromthelivingroom,hereyesclosingonaninhale.
“Holyfuck,itsmellsgoodinhere.”
“Careful—don’tgetpoppedbytheoil,”Iwarned.
“Yes,Daddy,”sheteased,slidingontothebarstoolontheothersideofthewindowandrestingherarmsontheledge.IhadtocontainmysmirkandthewayIfuckinglovedwhenshecalledmedaddy—evenifitwasajoke.
Iwonderedwhatitwouldbelikeifitwasn’t,ifIhadherpinnedbeneathmeandobeyingmyeverycommandtogetthereliefshesodesperatelywanted.
Mycocktwitchedatthethought,andIpressedmywaistagainstthekitchencountertohideitasIfocusedonthesauce.
“Whatareyoumaking?”sheasked.
“Tostones.”
Shesighedreverently,herchinbalancedonthepalmofherhandasshelookedlonginglyatthesaucepan.“ReallymakesthebolognasandwichIwasabouttomakeseemlikedogfoodincomparison.”
Ichuckled.“Youcanhavesome,I’mmakingenoughtofeedafootballteam.”
Ipeekedupatherjustintimetoseeherfacefall,andsheploppedanotebookdownonthecounterinfrontofher,openingittoablankpageandpoppingthelidoffthegraphitepencilinherhand.“No,it’sokay.Idon’twanttoeatyourfood.”
“Why?”
Sheshrugged.“BecauseIdidn’tpayforit.”
“So?”Ishookmyheadonasmile.“Stopbeingweirdandjustsaythankyou.”
IthoughtIsawhersmile,buthereyesweresolacedwithconcernwhenshelookedatmeagainthatitwashardtosay.“Areyousure?”
“Ofcourse.Besides,tostonesaremeanttobeshared.MymomwouldsmackmeupsidetheheadifIkeptthemalltomyself.”
Ifinishedstirringupthegarlicdipandsetitaside,stillwatchingMarycuriously.Icouldonlyseetheoversizedt-shirtshewore,andherhairpiledinamessybunontopofherheadasherhandstartedmovingoverthepage,acharcoalgrayfillinginthewhite.
Iwonderedifshewaswearingthosetinyfuckingboyshortsagain,ifIwasgoingtohavetositonmyhandstokeepfromtracingthedarkinkthatlinedherthighs.
Ithadbeenenoughtomakemewanttoburnmyeyesout,seeingherwalkaroundwithoutabraandbarelyanythingcoveringherassoverthelastweek.NotbecausethesightwasoneIdidn’twanttosee,butbecauseitwasdrivingmeabsolutelyinsanetoseeherlikethatandnotbeabletotouchher.
Shewasourfuckingroommate.
Shetrustedustomakeherfeelsafeandcomfortable,nottoogleherwhenshewasinherownhome.I’dsmackedKylemorethanafewtimesthisweekandremindedhimjustthesame,buthepinnedmewithaglarethattoldmeIdidn’thaveroomtotalkwithhowmyeyesfollowedMaryeverytimeshepassedbyuswithhernipplepiercingspressingagainstthefabricofherthintops.
Thefactthatsheseemedslightlylessannoyedbymenowonlymademewanttopressmyluck,toslingoneofmycheesylinesatherbutwithalittlemoreintent.Iwantedtomakeherlaughwithoutrollinghereyes.
AlmostasmuchasIwantedtoseewhatshelookedlikewhenshecame.
Iscrubbedmyjawwithanangryhandbeforepressingmyhipsevenmoreintothecounterbeforeanerectioncouldspring.“CanIaskyousomething?”
Marydidn’tbotherlookingupfromhersketch.“Hmm?”
“What’sthestorywithyourfamily?”
Sheblinkedatthat,thepencilfallinglimpinherfingersasshelookedupatme.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,whenallthishappenedwiththehouse,”Isaid,gesturingvaguelytowardthedirectionherhousewas.“Youdidn’thaveanyonetocall.Orifyoudid,youdidn’twantto.”
“That’skindofarudequestion,”shesaid.
“Yeah,well,I’manasshole,remember?”
“Orsoyouwanttheworldtothink.”
Herwordsweren’tsharp,buttheyhitmelikeadartallthesame.Ididn’twanttoanalyzehowitfeltthatMarypossiblysawpastthecocksureattitudetotherealme.
Shesighed.“Icouldhavecalledmyparents,buttodosowouldmeansubmittingmyselftolong,tear-filledlecturesfrommymomabouthowI’mwastingmylifeandgoodfortune.”
Iwasstillabitshakenbyherpreviouscomment,butIblinkeditaway.“Whywouldshesaythat?”
“BecauseI’mpursuingacareerasatattooartistinsteadofanacquisitionsmanagerlikemydadandolderbrother.”
Iletoutalowwhistle,pullingtheplantainsfromtheoiltoworkonflatteningthemwiththetostoneramymomgavemewhenshemovedmetoNBUmyfreshmanyear.Sheconsidereditanessential.Ididn’tdisagree.
“Soyou’rerichrich,huh?”
“Myparentsare,”shecorrected.
“Doesyourdadfeelthesameway?”
“Kindof?”sheansweredwithasigh.Hersketchwastakingshapenow—twofacesfacingoppositedirectionsbutconnectedbythedarklinesthatmadethem.“Heisn’tasvocalasmymom,andIthinkhewantstotrytosupportme.ButIalsothinkhesecretlyhopesit’saphaseI’llgrowoutof.”
Inodded.“Thatmustbehard.”
Shepausedoverthenoseofoneofthefaces,glancingupatme.“Icouldsaythesameforyou.”
“Me?”
Marynodded.“I’msureyoufeelpressurefromyourdadtofollowinhisfootsteps,too.”
“Howdoyouknowaboutmydad?”
HermouthpartedlikeI’dcaughtherred-handedinaburglary,butthenshewavedherhandoverthepage.“Comeon,everyoneknowsNickParkinson.”
“Everyonewhofollowsfootball,yeah,”Isaid,placingtheplantainsbackintheoiltofryoncetheywereflattened.“Ijustdidn’tpegyouforoneofthosepeople.”
Shewrinkledhernose,focusedonherdrawingagain.“I’mnot,trustme.Ihatefootball.”
“That’sjustbecauseyouhaven’tplayed.”
Marycockedabrowatme.
“Whenthesearedone,I’llshowyou,”Isaid,noddingtothepan.
Shejustshrugged,watchingwhereherfingerssketched.
“Ilovefootballsomuchthatitdoesn’tfeellikepressure,really,”Isaidafteramoment.“ItdidwhenIwasyounger,butnow,IfeellikeIhavemyownpath.”
“Whatchanged?”
“IcametoNBUinsteadofgoingtohisalmamaterinAlabama.”
Marypausedatthat,silencewashingoverus.
“Youdidn’twanttogowherehewent?”
“No,”Isaidwithaheavybreath.“ButIalsodidn’twanttodisappointhim.Helovedhisschool,butIgrewuphereinBoston.WehadSouthernAlabamaontheTVeverySaturdaywhenIwasathishouse,butMomtookmetomyfirstcollegegame,anditwasNBU.Itwasoneofthoseperfectfalldays,youknow?Cloudyandgray,coolwithabreezethatrustledtheleaves.Ifellinlove.”Ishrugged.“Ijustdidn’tknowhowtotellmydadthat.”
“Whatfinallygaveyouthecourage?”
Mychestnearlycavedinonitself.“Wisewordsfromafriend,”Isaid,almostwhispering.
Idroppedtheconversationthere,shakingoffthememoryasIplatedthetostonesforeachofus,alongwithasideofthegarlicsauce.Icarriedthemintothelivingroom,andMaryabandonedhersketchbook,ploppingdownnexttomeonthecouch.
Shewaswearingleggings,thankthefuckingLord.
“Delapanzasaleladanza,”Isaid,settingupthefeastonthecoffeetable.
Marytiltedherhead.“Didyoujustcursemeout?”
“No.”Ichuckled.“It’sjustsomethingmymomwouldsaybeforeweatesometimes.Fromthestomachcomesthedance.Itbasicallymeanseatuptogrowstrong,orlike…”Iconsideredhowtotranslateit.“Yougottaeatwelltolivewell.”
“ThatexplainswhyI’materribledancer,”Marymusedwithasmile.“AlltheEasyMacI’vebeeneating.”
“Stillhot,”Iwarnedasshepickedupagoldenmorsel,butshedidn’tseemtocareassheskippedthesaucealtogetherandpoppeditintohermouth.Hereyesrolledback,adeepmoancomingfromherthatmademegrabapillowandpullitintomylap.Ipretendeditwastouseitasatableformyplate.
“Good,huh?”Iteased.
“Sofuckinggood,”shesaidaroundamouthful.
“Trythesauce.”
Shedid,andthatdamnmoanbrokethroughagain.
“Yourmomtaughtyouhowtomakethese?”sheasked.
Inodded.
“She’sanangel.Pleasethankherfromthisstarvingartist.”Shedippedanotherplantainbeforelookingatme.“Andthankyou,too.”
Icrookedasmile.“Anytime.”
Icouldhavewatchedherallnightwiththathappyglowonherfaceassheatemycooking,butIhadamission.
“Alright,”Isaid,wipingmyhandsonmypantsbeforeIswitchedtheTVovertoXboxandcuedupMadden.“Eatup,andthenI’mgoingtomakeyoulovefootball.”Mary
IwasalmostuncomfortablyfullfromtheghastlyamountoftostonesIhadshoveleddown,butitdidn’tstopmefromjumpingupanddoingalittledancewhenIkickedLeo’sassathisowngame.
“Suckit,bitch!”Isaid,flippinghimoffwithbothhandsbeforeIdidalittlehipwiggleandspin.
Hebarkedoutalaugh,tossinghiscontrollerdownonthecoffeetablebeforehesatbackonthecouchandranahandthroughhishair.“Well,yourattitudetowardfootballchangedquickly.”
“Footballstillsucks,”Iargued,ploppingdownnexttohim.Icrossedmylegsandtuckedmyfeetunderneathme.“Butitmakesmehappytoknowthere’ssomethingelseIcanbeatyouin.”
“What’sthefirstthing?”
“Halo,obviously.Alsojustbeingadecenthumanbeing.”
Isaiditasajoke,butLeo’ssmileslipped,andheclearedhisthroat,gatheringouremptyplates.“Yeah,doesn’ttakemuch.”
HetookourplatesintothekitchenbeforeIcouldsayanything,andIinternallycursed.
“Iwasjustkidding,”Isaidwhenhecameback,andInotedhowhesatalittlefartherawaythistime.
Ialmostapologized,butthenIrememberedthathewasanassholewhodeservedtohavehiseyesopenedtowhatadickhe’dbeentomeandtomanyotherwomeninhislife.
Thenagain,thewayhe’dbeenwithmethelastfewweekssinceI’dmovedin,howhe’dofferedmeaplacetostayinthefirstplace…itrefutedthebeliefsI’dhadabouthim.He’dmadesureIhadsomewheretogo.He’ddonehisbesttomakeitcomfortableformehere.He’daskedaboutmyfirstskin,aboutmyfamily…
He’dcookedforme.
Iswallowed,theapologyformingonmytonguewhenIlookedathimandfoundthisnumbsortofexpressiononhisface.
“No,youweren’t,”hesaidbeforeIcouldgetitout.“AndIdon’tblameyouforthinkingthataboutme.You’refarfromtheonlyone.”
“Youseemlikethatupsetsyou.”
Abreathofalaughlefthischestashelookedatme.“Wouldn’titupsetyou?”
“Yes,butmysolepurposeinlifeisn’ttomakepeoplethinkI’msomecockyplayboywiththickskin.”
“Idohavethickskin,”hesaid,almostdefensively.“Andyeah,IhaveconfidenceinwhoIam,inwhatIcando.But…”
Hescrubbedhisjaw.
“Butwhat?”Iasked.
Hejustshookhishead.“Nothing.”
Ipivotedtofacehimonthecouch,restingmyelbowsonmykneesasIleanedcloser.“Butyoudon’twanttoplaythisroleforlife?”
Leostilled,andthenhefrowned,pinningmewithhisaccusatorygaze.“Whydoyoukeepsayingthat?”
“BecauseIseerightthroughyou.”
“Oh,yeah?Andwhatisitthatyousee?”
Ifhe’dhaveaskedmethisquestionamonthago,IwouldhavesmiledinvictoryasIspatouteverynastythoughtI’dhadabouthimforthepastsevenyears.
Buttonight,Isawaglimpseoftheboyheusedtobe,theonewhoconfessedhisfearstomeinahushedvoiceattwointhemorningsohewouldn’twakehisparents.IsawthesameeyesIwatchedfromacrossthecafeteria,theonesthatglitteredwitheveryjokehesaidbutthenglossedoverwhennoonewaslookingathimanymore,whenhedidn’thaveeveryone’sattention—whichwasrare.
“Iseeamanwhowantstobetakenseriously,butdoesn’tknowhowtodothatwithoutfeelingvulnerableorweak.”
Leoblinked,hisnostrilsflaringashiseyessearchedmine.“That’snotwhatIexpectedyoutosay.”
“See?Icansurprisepeople,too.”
“It’salmostlikeyoumightnotdetestmeanymore.”
Iscoffed,leaningback.“Youwish.”
“Comeon,admitit,”Leosaidwithaplayfulsmirk.“Youkindoflikeme.”
“AboutasmuchasIlikegettingprickedwithaneedle.”
Hisbrowshotup,andthenhiseyeswerewashingovereveryinchofmyskin.“Consideringhowmuchinkyouhave,I’dsayyoulikegettingprickedwithneedlesquiteabit.”
Ilaughed—genuinelylaughed,becauseIhadnotthoughtofthatbeforeIthrewmylittlequipathim.Ishovedhimaway,tuckingmyhairbehindoneear.“Shutup.”
“Don’tworry,Iwon’ttellanyone.Youcanstillpretendtohateme.”
Irolledmyeyes,butthenIfoundhisgazeagain.
Andthewayhestaredatme,thewaythesilenceofthehousefelldownaroundus,thewayheworethatlittlesmirk…
Itwaslikepouringwateroverhotrocksinasauna,theheattoomuchtobear.
Iflushed,lookingdownatmyhandsinmylap.IwasabouttotellhimIshouldgoupstairsandgetreadyforworkwhenhesaid,“It’scoolthatyougame.”
Reliefwashedovermeatthechangeinsubject.
“I’veonlyknownoneothergirlwhodid,”headded.
Somethingabouthisexpressionchangedthen,hiseyesalmost…sad
Myheartpickedupitspaceinmychest.“Alotofgirlsgame.”
“I’msuretheydo,”hesaid.“I’vejustavoidedthemsincehighschool.”
Anotherloudthumpofmyheartechoedinmychest.“Why?”
Leoopenedhismouth,shutitagain,andthenthemusclesofhisjawwereworkingundertheskinasthatsilencefelloverusoncemore.
“It’salongstorythatIdon’twanttogetinto,”hefinallysaidsoftly
Allofhislittlecommentsoverthelastfewweeksstartedclickingintoplace,likepuzzlepiecesthathadbeenlostunderacouchcushion.
Washetalkingaboutme?
IwantedtoshakemyheadassoonasIthoughtit,becauseobviouslyitwasn’tme.Hewasdisgustedwhenhemetmeinperson.Hemadefunofme.Helethisfriendsmakefunofmefortherestofourfuckinghighschooltenure.Itwasclearthathedidn’trecognizemenow—thankstobraces,myskinbeingclearer,andmybabyfatturningintofemininecurvesIlovedtoshowoff.
Hedidn’tknowIwasthatgirlhehurtallthoseyearsago,buthedamnsureknewthatgirlwasOctostigma
Mystomachsouredatthememory.
Andyet,thewayLeolookedrightnow…
Whoelsecouldhebetalkingabout?
Didhemeetsomeoneafterme?
Andifitwasmewhomadehimlooklikethat,thatmadehimfeellikethat…why?
AthoughtI’drefusedtoletmyselfbelievewhippedthroughmyheadlikearushofwind.
Maybehereallydidn’trealizeitwasyouthatday.
Maybe…
“Tellmewhathappened,”Isaidbeforethinkingbetter.
Ihadtoknow.
Leofrowned,lookingupatmebeforehiseyesshowedhowsurprisedhewasthatIactuallywantedtoknow.
Foramoment,Ithoughthewasgoingtotellme.
Butthenthefrontdoorburstopenandourroommatesstumbledin.
Ijumpedback,notrealizinghowcloseI’dbeentoLeountilweweren’taloneanymore.Leodidn’tmove,hiseyesstillonme,evenwhenKylefloppeddownbackwardoverthetopofthecouchandlandedbetweenuswithagoofysmile.
“Well,ifitisn’tthepartypooperandourhotnewroommate.”
Leoflickedhisnose,whichmadeKyleyelpbeforeheletoutanotherpealofdrunkenlaughter.
“Whatareyoutwodoingsittinginthedark?”Bradenasked,leaninghispalmsonthebackofthecouchashepeeredoverusquestioningly.Icouldtellhewasalittlebuzzed,too,becausehesmiledwickedlyinthenextmoment.“Ordowewannaknow?”
Ihadn’tevenrealizedhowdarkthehousewas,howwehadn’tmovedtoturnonanysortoflightotherthantheTV.Ididn’tchancealookatLeobeforeIscoffedandstoodup,unfasteningmyhairfromthemessybunIhadittiedupin
“IwasjustkickingLeo’sassatMadden,”IsaidasIpulledmyhairupagain,desperatetokeepmyhandsbusysonoonecouldseehowtheywereshaking.
BradenandKyleeruptedinachorusofoooohs.Then,KyledidasomersaultoffthecouchandgrabbedoneoftheXboxcontrollers.“Menext,menext!”
“Youwanttogetyourasshandedtoyou,too?”Bradenteased.
“Ifit’sbyher?”Kylesaid,hiseyesrakingovermeandfixatingonwhereIknewmynipplepiercingswerevisibleundermyshirt.“Gladly.”
“You’reapig,”Isaid,hittinghimupsidetheheadwithapillow.Icouldn’thelpthesmilethatcurledonmylips,though.“AndIhavetogetreadyforwork.”
“Boooo,calloutofwork!”Bradenbegged,hishandsclaspedtogether.
Ijustruffledhishairlikehewasmykidbrother.“I’llseeyouguystomorrow.”
“Notfair,”Bradensaidwithapout,ploppingdownwhereIhadjustbeenonthecouch.“Leogetstohaveallthefun.”
Theboyskeyedupanewgameonthescreen,thetwoofthemyakkingawayaboutsomegirlsthey’dapparentlybeentryingtotalktoatthebar.
IpausedwhenIwasatthebottomofthestairs,everythinginmepullinglikeamagnettowardLeo.Iwantedtolookback,toconfirmwhatIfelt,butIdidn’thaveto.
Becausehehadn’tsaidawordsincetheycamehome.
AndIknewwithoutlookingthathehadn’ttakenhiseyesoffme,either.
Istoodthereforamoment,feelingtheburnofhisgazeonmyskin.
Then,Itookabreath,liftedmychin,andclimbedthestairswithoutgivingmyselfthesatisfactionofprovingIwasright.Leo
“Areyousureyoudon’twanttocomehomefortheholiday?”Mymomasked,andeventhroughthephoneIsworeIcouldsmellthearrozconpolloshewascooking.“It’sbeenyearssincewe’vegonedowntoHarborfestforthefireworks.”
MystomachgrowledasIthrewmydufflebaginthetrunkofmycar,wrappingupanearlymorningPeeWeepractice.
“YouknowIwantto,Ma,butwe’rehavingapartyatthehouse.”
“Mm-hmm,”shesaid,andagain,Ididn’thavetoseehertoknowthelookshewasgivingme,howonehandwouldbeonherhip,andtheotherpointingthespatulaatmynose.“Iknowyoubetterbehaveyourself,mijo.”
“Ialwaysdo.”
Shelaughedatthat,andthesoundmademehomesick.
Iwasyoungwhenmyparentssplit,soIdidn’treallyhaveachoiceonwhoIwouldlivewith.IrememberedwhenIwasaroundnineortenwishingthatitwouldhavebeenmydad.Iwantedtobeplayingfootballallthetime,wantedtohangoutwithhiminhisimpressivebasementwiththepooltableandninety-eight-inchTVandtheconstantcrowdofguysthatseemedtoalwaysbetherehangingout.HeshottheshitwithSuperBowl-winningathleteslikeitwasnobigdeal,withacockinessthatsaidhebelongedinthatcircleeventhoughhenevergotaringhimself.
Iwantedtosoakuphisenergyuntilthatconfidencelivedinme,too.
ButasIgrewup,Irealizedhowmuchmymomdidforme,howshewasalwaystheparentwhenDadwassooftenthefriend.AndwhenItoldmydadIwantedtogotoNBU,Ifeltthatfriendshipwehadrubraw,sawthedisappointmentinhiseyes,likeI’dlethimdown.
Ineverhadthegutstotellhimhowmanytimeshe’ddonethesametome.
Helovedmeinthewaysheknewhow.Iwasoldenoughtounderstandthatnow,togivehimgrace.Heneverwantedtobeafather,notthatyoung,anyway,andclearlyheneverwantedtobeahusband,either.Hisdreamsweredashedbyaninjury,acareerinproballcutshort.Fortunately,hehadabigenoughreputationthathewasstillabletousethatname,tostartatrainingcenteroutsideofthecityandbeinvitedonasaguestannouncerforESPNandFoxandwhoeverelse.Hefoundawaytostillwraphislifearoundthatsport,evenwhenlifethrewhimthehardestcurveballitcouldhave.
Footballwaswhatmadehimhappy.
ButIknewformymom,itwasalwaysme.
She’dlovedmesofiercelyitalmostsuffocatedmeattimes,butitwasthepurest,mostspecialkindoflove—thekindthat’strulyunconditional.
ShewastheonlyoneIeverbrokedowninfrontofafterwhathappenedinhighschool,theonlyonewhoknewI’dhadmyheartbroken.Ididn’thavetotellherwhoitwasorwhathadhappened—thefactthatIwasshowinganyemotionotherthanjoywasenoughforhertoknowIwashurting.
IstillrememberhowsheheldmeasIsobbedlikeafuckingbaby,andthenshemademedinnerandranabathforme.Weneverspokeaboutitagain,neverreallyspokeaboutitinthefirstplace.
ButIknewfromthatmomenton,nomatterwhatIwentthrough,shewouldalwaysbethere.
“Wegotthedateforseniornight,”ItoldherasIslippedintothedriverseatandfireduptheengine.“Novembernineteenth.”
“Didyoutellyourfather?”
“Notyet,”Isaid.“Iwantedtomakesureyouwouldcomefirst.”
Shesuckedherteethasifeveninsinuatingthatshewouldn’twasaninsult.IwaiteduntilmyphoneconnectedtothecarspeakersbeforeIsetitasideandcontinued.
“Ijustmean…ifhecomes,too.Idon’twanttomakeyouuncomfortable.”
“Istillloveyourfather,Leo.Ialwayswill.AndIcanputupwithhimforafewhours.”Sheclickedhertongue.“Now,whetherornothe’llbeabletostandhowguapahisexisatforty-fiveyearsoldisyettobeseen.Mighthavetorestrainhimandthosejealouslittlecleatchaserswhostillfollowhimaround.”
Asmilesplitmyface.“Alright,mamá,cálmate.”
Itwasslowtrafficmovingthroughthecampus,somesortofholidaymarketgoingon.IwasjustabouttoturnandtakethebackroadstogetoffcampusquickerandtaketheroundaboutwayhomewhenIsawMary.
Therewasnomistakingher,noteveninathickcrowdofpeople.
Shehadonapairofcut-offjeanshorts,therippededgesdrippingoverherthighslikewebsandlettinghertattoospeekthrough.Thoseshortsbarelycontainedherass,andthethin,red,spaghettistraptopshe’dpairedwiththemshowedasliverofherstomach.Shewaswalkingslowly,lookingatalltheboothsbeforeshepausedatone,turningenoughformetoseetherewasabsolutelyzerochanceshehadonabrawiththattop.Anavy-bluebandanawithwhitestarsframedherhairline,andthewholepicturewasnothingshortofapatrioticfantasycometolife.
Ibitmyknucklebeforemyhandsfoundthewheelandturnedahardleftintotheparkinggarage.
“Igottago,Mom.IjustrememberedanerrandIneedtorunbeforetonight.I’llcallyoulaterthisweek?”
“Wheneveryouhavetime.Enjoyyoursummer,that’swhatIwantmostforyou.”
IsmiledasIpulledintoaparkingspot.“Tequiero.”
“Tequieromas,mijo.”
IhoppedoutofmycarassoonasIparkedit,allbutjoggingtowardtheboothI’dspottedMaryat.WhilemostofBostonwasflockingdowntoHarborfestalready,theentirecitywasfullofeventsonournation’sbirthdaythatmeantyoucouldn’tfindastreetwithinmilesthatdidn’thavesomethinggoingon.Howcouldwenotmakeabigdealofournation’sindependence,withsomuchhistoryweavedthroughouteachandeveryblock?
Ipushedthroughthecrowd,mutteringexcusemeasIdid.IcouldhavejustwaitedandsawMaryathomelater.Sheknewwewerehavingapartytonight—waslookingforwardtoit,itseemed.ButthetruthwasIhadn’thadthechancetobealonewithhersincethatnightIcookedforher.
Andsomethinghadshiftedbetweenusthatnight.
Ididn’tknowexactlywhatitwas,butshenolongerseemedlikeshehatedbreathingthesameairasme.Actually,itwasworse—becauseshewasavoidingme.
AnytimeI’dwalkinonherdoingyogawithBradenorgamingonthecouchwithKyle,she’dmaybeuttertwowordstomebeforemakinganexcusetoleavetheroomaltogether.Shewouldn’tmeetmyeyes,wouldn’ttakethebaitwhenIteasedher.
Maybethat’swhyIpickedupmyspeedwhenIspottedherredshirtagain,herlonghairsweptupinamessyponytailthatswungasshewalked.
Sheslowedatavendorsellingcandles,pickingoneupandinhalingdeeply.IslowedmygaitasIapproachedthetent.
“GettingthattocoverupthestenchofThePit?”
Marydidn’tseemsurprisedbymyentrance.Infact,shesmiledalittleasifshe’dknownIwascomingbeforesettingthecandledownandturningtofaceme.
Sheaboutknockedmeonmyasswhenshedid.
Hereyeswerekohl-linedandsmoky,herplumplipspaintedthesameredashertanktop.Itsetthegreenofhereyesoffevenmore,thewayherdarklashesfannedaboveandbelowthem,andsheofferedmeaneasysmilelikewewerefriends.
“FiguredthepartytonightwouldundoallthepleasantscentsI’vemanagedtobringinoverthelastmonth.”
“You’renotwrong.There’saveryspecificodorthathangsaroundthenextday.WecouldbottleitasBudLight&Debauchery.”
“Sofourcandles,then,”shesaid,pilingthemintoherarms.Butsheonlyheldthemlongenoughtomakethejokebeforeshewasputtingthembackdown.
Inotedthatthebagonherarmwaslarge,butmostlyempty—likeshewasbeingverycarefulwithwhatshepurchased.Afterourconversationaboutherfamilytheothernight,Iunderstoodwhy.Ididn’timagineshemademuchasatattooapprentice.
Itwashardformetowrapmyheadaround,alreadyworkingandhavingtheresponsibilityofbillsthewayshedid.Mytuitionwascoveredfrommyfootballscholarship,andMomandDadeasilypickeduptherest—includinggivingmeanallowanceeverymonthforfood,shopping,goingout,orwhateverelseIcouldwant.
Ididn’tknowwhatitwasliketostruggle,tohavetothinktwicebeforeIboughtsomethingatthegrocerystore.
Imadeamentalnoteofthescentsshehadpickedupbeforefallingintostepwithherasshethankedthevendorandsteppedoutofthebooth.
“So,you’renotignoringmeanymore,Isee.”
Herbrowarched,butshedidn’tbotherlookingatmeasshesaid,“Toignoreyou,I’dhavetoactuallythinkaboutyou.”
“Ouch,”Isaid,coveringmyheartwithapalm.Thelittlesmilethatfoundherlipsbroughtmemorereliefthanitshouldhave.
“Yousmell,bytheway,”sheaddedwithawrinklednose,assessingthesweatmakingmyshirtsticktomychest.“Ithoughtyoudidn’thavepracticetoday.”
“PeeWee.”
Sheblinked.“What?”
“IcoachLittleLeague,”Isaidwithalaugh.“Well,Ihelpcoach—kindoflikeanassistant.”
Maryfrownedabit,likeshedidn’tquitebelieveme.“So,youjustvoluntarilygiveupmoreofyoursummertimetocoachfootballtolittlekids?”
“IseeI’vesurprisedyouagain.”
Shewouldn’tadmitit,butIsawthatIhadinhowshepressedherlipstogetheragainstasmile.Sheturnedawayfrommeandtowardaboothwewerepassing,andItriednottocarethatshecouldn’tpossiblybelieveI’ddosomethinglikevolunteer.
“Howmanypeopledoyouthinkwillcometonight?”sheasked.
Ishrugged.“Hardtosay.It’ssummersemester,sonotasmanypeopleaswehaveinthefall,that’sforsure.Butwithitbeingtheholiday,andgiventhatwehavearagereveryyear…it’llprobablybeagoodturnout.”
Shenodded,pausingforamomenttolookataboothsellingcustomcuttingboards.
“Wedon’thavetohavethepartytonight,”Isaidwhenwestartedwalkingagain.“Ifitwouldmakeyouuncomfortabletohaveallthosepeopleinyourspace.”
“It’syourhouse,”sheremindedme.“I’mshockedyouhaven’thadapartybeforethis.”
“Weusuallywouldhave,but…”
“Ugh,thatmakesmefeelworse.”
Inudgedherelbow.“Don’t.ThetruthisprobablymorethatKyleandBradenliketohangoutwithyouanddon’twanttosharewiththerestoftheteamoranyoneelse.”
Ileftmyselfoutoftheequation,buthopedshesawwhenshegavemealookthatsaidbrown-noserthatImeantme,too.
“I’msureit’llbefun.”
“Doyoudrink?”Iasked.
“That’saveryforwardquestion.”
“Ijusthaven’tseenyouinallthetimeyou’velivedwithus.”
Sheshrugged,fanningherselfwithonehand.Inotedthebeadofsweatgatheringonherneck,wonderedwhenitwouldstartitsdescentalongtheinkthatdisappearedbetweenherbreasts.“It’snotreallymypreference.I’llhavewinewiththegirlssometimes,oragoodcocktail,butImuchprefermybuzztobeoftheherbalvariety.”
Marycockedabrowatmelikeshewasn’tsureI’dcatchthereference.
“Ah,howfitting.MarylovestheMaryJ.”
Weduckedinsideanotherboothwithhersmirkingatme.
Thisonehadfreesamplesofdifferentdipsmadefromthespicepacketstheywereselling.Theysolditwithdirectiontojustaddsourcreamormayonnaise.ItestedaspicyredpepperonewhileMarydippedapretzelintoasourcreamandranch.Sheclosedhereyesonahumthatremindedmeofwhenshehadmytostones,andIwasalmostjealousoftheoldergentlemanwholitupbehindthesampletable.
“Good,right?”heasked.
“Sogood.”Marygrabbedanotherpretzelandtriedadillonenext.“Howmucharethey?”
“Threepacksfortendollars,”hesaid.“Andjustaddtowhateverbaseyouwant—mayo,sourcream,evenGreekyogurtworks.”
IsawthehesitationinMaryasshereachedforherwallet.
“Youknowwhat,weshouldgetsomeoftheseforthepartytonight,”Isaid,fishingmineoutofmybackpocketbeforeshecould.Ihandedthemanatwenty-dollarbill.“We’lltakesix.”
MarygapedatthetransactionasifI’djustboughtheracar.
Themangrinnedashebaggedupourchoices,andwhenwefellbackinlinewiththeotherpeoplewanderingthemarket,Maryslappedmehardacrosstheshoulder.
“Ouch!”Irubbedthespot.“Whatthehellwasthatfor?”
“ForactinglikeI’msomesortofcharitycase.”
“Iwasjustbeingnice.”
“Yeah,well,it’sweirdandIdon’tlikeit.Sostop.”
Ichuckled,andthenasthecrowdstartedtothinwherewewerewalking,Inoticedshewasonthesideofthepathclosesttothestreet.IslowedmystepuntilshepassedalittleinfrontofmebeforeIcamearoundthebackofherandshehadnochoicebuttoscootoverclosertothetentsandhavemebetweenherandthestreet,instead.
Shegavemealook.“Whatwasthatfor?”
“What?”
Shewiggledherfingerbetweenus.“Whateverthatlittledancejustwas.”
Ishrugged.“Youhaven’theardofthesidewalkrule?”
“Thewhat?”
“Youknow,theguyalwayswalksonthesideclosesttothestreet.”
Marystoppedwalkingatthat,andwhenIturned,shepeggedmewithaboredexpressionbeforesheblinkedslowlylikeIwasstupid.
“You’rekidding,right?”
Ipressedahandtomychest.“I’mnothingifnotagentleman.”
Herfacewarpedwiththerestraintofholdingbackalaugh,andthenshestartedwalkingagain.“Please.Asifyourbodywouldstopacarfromplowingoverme.”
“Itmight,”Isaid,puffingmychestalittle.Ismirkeddownatheroverthetopofmysunglasses.“Youdon’tseewhatIdointheweightroom.”
Shepokedmysidehardenoughtodeflatemeandthensmiledinvictorywhenitworked,skippingafewstepsahead.
“Youwannabechivalrous?”sheasked,spinningtofacemeasshecontinuedwalkingbackward.Herponytailswungwiththemotion,andsomethingtightenedinmychestatthesightofhersolightandcarefree.“Gotoawomen’smarch.Voteforafemaletotakeoffice.Readabookonfeminism.Stopusingpussyasaninsult.”
“Hey,Ialreadylearnedthatlesson.Onlytookyoutellingmeonce.”
Sheleveledmewithalook.“You’retellingmeyouhaven’tsaiditsincethatday?”
“Onmymom’slife,”Isaid,holdinguptwofingersinasolemnswear.
Maryjustshookherheadwithasmile,whippingbackaroundandgivingmethatgloriousviewofherassinthosecut-offshortsagain.
AndIreveledinthefeelingthatshemightactuallyenjoyhavingmycompany.
Wewalkedthemarketforaboutanotherhourbeforewewerebothsweatingprofuselyandreadyforairconditioning.Maryhadparkedinthesamegarageasme,sowewalkedtowardittogether.
Wewerealmosttoitwhenascraggly,too-thincatsaunteredoutfromunderoneofthebuildingsanddirectlyintoourpath.
Ipausedandsaid,“Ick,”atthesametimeMarybentandsaid,“Aww!”
SheglaredupatmeasIbarkedoutalaugh,andthenshewasholdingherhandoutandtryingtowoothething.
Itwasfluffyandmostlygray,butwithawhitechestandfeetandalittlespotonitshead.Whenitflickeditstailup,Inoteditwasagirl,andshewalkedrightuptoMary,sniffingherfingersforjustamomentbeforeshenudgedherheadintoMary’spalmandcurledherbacktogeteveryinchofaffectionshecould.
“Well,hello,sweetgirl,”Marycooedwithagiggle,andwhenthecatweavedbetweenherlegsbeforequiteliterallyknockingMaryontoherassandclimbingintoherlap,Maryletoutaloudlaugh,herfaceliftingtothesky.
Hereyeslandedonmenext,andtheydoubledinsizelikeacartooncharacter,herlongblacklashesbattingupatme.Shewasacompletecontradictioninthatmoment—thetattooed,dark-humoredartistturningsoftatacatcurlingupinherlap.
“Mary,”Iwarned.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.”
“Leo,”shepleaded,herbottomlipprotrudingassheheldthecatupformetogetabetterview.“Justlookather.”
“Iseeher,andI’llsayitagain—don’teventhinkaboutit.”
Fifteenminuteslater,IwaspullingintoaparkingspotnexttoMary.
Atafuckingpetstore.Mary
PalicosatpurringinmylapafewdaysaftertheFourthofJulyparty,herwarmbodycurledupintoalittleball.Leodidn’tstandachanceagainstmeonceIgavethelittlefurballaname,andalthoughhe’dneveradmitit,IknewfromjustthepastcouplenightsthatheadoredthethingasmuchasIdid.
Withonefingertip,IabsentmindedlystrokedthewhitespotonherheadthatleddowntoherlittlepinknoseasIwatchedESPNwithKyleandBraden.
IhatedESPN.Iwasn’tfollowingadamnthing,really,justsittingthereinacomfortablesilenceandlettingmyeyesglossover.Eventhoughithadbeenafewdays,itseemedwewereallstillrecoveringfromtheparty.I’dspentmostofthenightinmybedroomwithPalico,anyway,gettinghersettledandmakingsurethenoisedidn’tbotherhertoomuch.
Thatcatwasascoolasacucumber.Shewatchedmemostofthenightwithaboredflickofhertailasiftosay,“YouthinkthishasanythingonthestreetsofBoston,kid?I’vebeenthroughworse.Myquestioniswhyaren’tyououttherepartying?”
So,onceIfeltlikeshewascomfortable,Ijoinedtherestoftherowdycrewdownstairs.AndwhileIspentmostofmynighttalkingtoGianaandRileyandsteeringclearofthebooze,weallstayedupuntilsunrise,andthelackofsleepalonemadeithardtogetintoaroutineagain.
Ihadnoideahowtheguysdidthisduringfootballseason,especiallyonnightswhentheyknewtheyhadpracticethenextmorning.
MyphoneaggressivelyvibratingonthecoffeetablewokePalico,andshebegrudginglystretchedandsaunteredoffmylapwhenIleanedforwardtoseewhoitwas.HopebubbledinmychestatthesightofMargie’sname,andIslippedintothekitchentoanswer.
“Hey,Margie.”
“Hey,kiddo,”shegreetedback,thatsmokervoiceIlovedsomuchfillingmyears.Margieseemedlesslikealandlordandmorelikeacrazyauntwhotookcareofyou,butalsowasfirstinlinetogetyouboozewhenyouwereunderage.
“Tellmeyouhavegoodnews.”
Herlongsighontheotherendhadallthathopedeflatingoutofmeinaninstant.
“Well,thepipesarefixed.”
Iperkedup.“Okay,that’sgreat.”
“Yeah…except,whentheystartedworkingonrepairingthewallsandfloorsandceiling,well…theyfoundmold.”
Iclosedmyeyes,forcingaslowbreath.“Okay…andsothatmeans?”
“I’msorry,kid.It’sgoingtobeawhile.”
Icursedundermybreath,sneakingaglanceinthelivingroomwhereKyleandBradenwerekickedbackonthecouchandsprawlingovertheentirethingliketheirlimbscouldn’ttakeupenoughroomeveniftheytried.Theirhairwasmussed,sock-coveredfeetkickeduponthecoffeetable,andPalicohadcurleduprightin-betweenthem.Bradenscratchedunderherchinassheleanedintothetouch.
Thesightwarmedmyheart.
Ididn’tthinkitwaspossible,butthisdisgustingjockhousealmostfeltalittlelikehome.
Theissuewiththatwasthatitwasn’thome,andIcouldn’tpretenditcouldbeformuchlonger.Fallwasrapidlyapproaching,andIknewIwasonborrowedtimebeforetheroomIwassquattinginwouldbeassignedtoanotherfootballplayer.
“Howlongarewetalking?”IaskedMargie.
“It’lltakeacoupleweeksjustforthemtoremovethemold,butthat’sjustthebeginning.Notsurewhattherepairswilllooklikeafter.Theyhavetoripupcarpet,floors,walls…”
“Fuckme,”Iwhispered.
“Trybeingthehomeowner,”Margieshotbackwithanunamusedchuckle.“Insurancewillhandlemostofit.Buthey,Iwantedtogiveyouthechancenowtobreakthelease.Ididn’tthinkitwouldbenecessarywithjustthepipes,butnow…”
“Idon’twantto,”Isaidinstantly.“Imean,thatis,ifyouthinkI’llbeabletomovebackhomesoon.”
“Definesoon.”
Ichewedmybottomlip.“Let’sjustseehowthenextfewweeksgoandgofromthere.Thatokay?”
“Yourealizeyou’rebeingsweettomewhenI’mthereasonyourassishomelessrightnow?”Shelaughed.“Ofcourse,it’sokaybyme.I’dratherkeepyouthanhavetofindanothertenant.Ijustdon’twanttogetyourhopesuponhowsoonyoucangetbackin.”
Inodded.“Well,Ihaveaplacefornow.Hopefullyitwon’tbemuchlonger.”
Margiepaused.“Yousoundhappy,kid.Yousoundgood.”
Ifoughtbackthesmilethreateningtobreaklooseandshrugged.“I’mokay.”
“Good.Alright,well,I’llbeintouch.”
Withthat,Iendedthecallandmademywaybackintothelivingroom.IchuckledtomyselfatthesightofBradenandKylebothpassedout,PalicocurledupinthespacebetweenBraden’slegsandsleeping,too.
Ileftthembe,checkingthetimeonmyphoneandmakingmywayupstairstostartgettingreadyforanightattheshop.
IheardmusiccomingfromLeo’sroomasIpassedit,andconsideredknockingandseeingwhathewasupto.ButIshookoffthethought.Infact,Ipinchedmyselfforhavingitatall.IhatedhowI’dsomehowgonefromignoringhimeverytimewewereinthesameroomtowonderingwhathewasdoing,whathewasthinking.I’dlituplikeafuckingschoolgirlwhenhefoundmeatthemarkettheotherday,andeventhoughIpretendedtobeannoyedwithhim,thetruthwasthatIwasn’t.Notanymore.
Andthatwasthenewsourceofmyannoyance.
Islippedintomyroom,quietlyshuttingthedoorbehindme.Istrippedoffmyshirtandpulledonabralette,somethingtogivethegirlssupportwithoutrestrainingthem.I’djustshimmiedonapairofblackjeanswhenafamiliarscentfoundme.
Iinhaled,eyesflutteringshutontheenticingmixtureofcoffee,bourbon,andsandalwood.
Then,myeyesshotopen,andIblinkedbeforeturningtofindacandleburningontopofmydresser.
AcandleIdidn’tlight.
Orpurchase.
Istaredatitforamomentlikeitwasafigmentofmyimaginationbeforecrossingmyroom.Iliftedit,carefulnottograbitwhereitwastoohotortiltitsothewaxwouldputouttheflames.AndwhenIreadthelabel,whenIrecognizedwhereitwasfrom,Isatitbackdowninanumbsortofawareness.
Didhe…
Didhebuythiscandleforme?
Iblinkedagain,andthistime,Isawabrownpaperbagbehindthecandle.Ireachedinsideandfoundthreemorejustlikeit—allscentsthatI’dbeenlookingatwhenLeofoundmeatthemarket.Therewasalsoasmall,foldednote.
Tocoverthestench—thoughIdoubtitwillwork.
Love,Leo
Arushofheatfloodedthroughme,mystomachliftingonthewingsofathousandbutterflies.
Icoveredmymouthwhereasmilewasalreadycurling.
Then,myhandsrolledintofists,andIstompedmyfootwithafrustratedgrowlbeforeIwhippedmydooropenandstormeddownthehall.
Ididn’tletmyselfstopandthinkbeforeItwistedthedoorknobonLeo’sroomandburstinsidewithoutsomuchasaknock.ItwasonlythenthatIpaused,notbecausegoodsensehadcometome,butbecauseIwasnowstaringdownataverysweatyLeowearingverylittleclothes.
Hewasreppingoutpushups,andhefinishedhissetwithjustaglanceatmeandfurrowofhisbrow.Then,hehoppeduptohisfeetlikeitwaseasy,swipingatoweloffthebackofhisdeskchairandmoppinghisfacewithit.Heletithangoverhisshoulderthen,hishandsonhiships,barechestheavingandslickwithsweat.
MymouthpartedasIfollowedeachbeadthatgatheredandsliddownthemountainsofmusclescoveringhisbody—hispecs,swollenandsmoothandround,hisabs,hardanddefined,allthewaydowntothedeep-cutVthatdisappearedunderthebandofhisshorts.
Ididn’tmeantowetmylips,didn’tmeantotakesomuchtimeasIslowlyliftedmyeyesuptofindhis,pausingonwherehischainsstucktohischestontheway.Hismouthseemedjustasdryasmine,andIthoughtIsawhimbitetheinsideoftheloweronebeforehearchedathick,darkbrow.
“Needhelpfindingyourshirt,roomie?”Leo
Marywasavisionofwrathanddesireinmydoorway,herbrowsbentinragewhileherbreastsheavedagainstthebarelytherescrapoffabriccontainingthem.Thebuttonandzipperofherjeanswereundone,too,thelacyfabricofherforestgreenthongpeekingthroughtheV-shapedopening.
Whenshesawmyeyesstickthere,herfaceflushedwithcolorandshehastilyzippedandbuttonedherjeansbeforefoldingherarmsoverherchest,asifthatcouldhidehercurvesfrommyview.
“No,”shespatthroughherteeth.“WhatIneedisforyoutostaythehelloutofmyroom.”
Iheldupmyhands.“Hey,I’verespectedthatrulesincethemomentyouputitintoplace.”
“Ohyeah?Thenwhyisthereafuckingcandleburningonmydresser?BecauseIsureashelldidn’tputitthere.”
Ismiledatthat,foldingmyarmsundermychest.ThewayMary’seyesflickedtomypecstoldmemyupperbodypumpwasdistracting,andthatmademesmilewider.
“It’sagift.”
“OneIdidn’taskfor.”
“Well,that’stypicallyhowgiftswork.Otherwise,itwouldjustbeatransaction,wouldn’tit?Youaskforsomething,Igetitforyou.”Iwavedmyhandoverthespacebetweenus.“Doesn’tseemasfun.”
SomethingwashedoverMary,smoothingthelinebetweenherbrows.Itookthat,alongwiththestretchofsilence,asaninvitationtoexplain.
“Isawyoulookingatthematthemarket,”Isaid.“AndIsawhowyouputthemdown,likelybecauseyou’retryingtosave.Ilistenwhenyoutalktome,contrarytowhatyoumightbelieve.”
Herjawtensedlikeshewasgrindingherteethtogether.
“So,Ipeekedatwhatscentsyouhadpickedupandwentbackthenextdaytogetthemforyou.”
Sheblinked,quietforalongmomentbeforeshewhisperedoneword.
“Why?”
“Whynot?”Ishrugged.“Iwantedtodosomethingnice.”
Again,therewasthatsoftening,onethatmademewanttocrossthedistancebetweenusandwrapherinmyarms.Icouldn’texplainit,butIwantedsodesperatelytoholdherandwatchallthattensionmelt,feelherrelaxinmyholdandrestherheadagainstmychestandwhisperthankyou.Iwantedtoknowwhatitwouldfeelliketoshowheralittlekindness,alittlecare,andheractuallyacceptit.
TheneedwassostrongIalmostsuccumbedtoit,butatthesubtleshiftofmybody,shehardenedagain,herspikyshellsnappingbackinplace.
“Idon’tneedyourpity,”shesaid,takingtwofullstepstowardmeandpointingherfingeratmychest.
“It’snotpi—”
“Oryourgifts,”shesaid,cuttingmeoff.“Stopbeingnicetome.”
Ipressedrightbackintoherspace,makingherbackdownonlyaninch,butshestoodhergroundjustenoughthatmychestbrushedhers.ThemetalofherpiercingshitthetopofmyabdomenandIsuffocatedthegroanIwantedtoletlooseatthetouch.
“Why?”Ichallenged,staringdownatheroverthebridgeofmynose.“Becauseitmakesithardertohatemesodamnmuch?”
Hermouthparted,eyelidsflutteringsosoftlyIquestionedwhethertheydidatallbeforeshenarrowedhergazeandpressedharderintome.“Trustme—thatisalwaysgoingtobeeasyforme.”
“Andwhyisthat,exactly?WhatdidIdotoearnsuchpassionatedisaffectionfromyou?”
Sheopenedhermouthlikeshewasreadytoscreamtheansweratme,andIwilledhertodoit.Iwantedthefight.
Givemethatfire,Isilentlybegged.
Buttheireandpassiondrainedoutofher,herfacerelaxing,expressionblankinaninstant—likeshedecidedIwasn’tworthit.
Shepulledaway,takingalltheheatandtensionwithherasthecoolairofmyroomsweptbetweenus.
“Stayoutofmyroom,”shesaidpointedly,andthenshespunonherheelandblewthroughmydoor,slammingitclosedbehindher.Mary
Myspoiledmoodonlysouredmoreasthenightwenton.
Theshopwastypicallymyrefuge,theoneplacewhereIfeltsafeandateasetobeone-hundredpercentmyself.Ilookedforwardtomyshifts.Hell—IcameinevenwhenIwasn’tscheduledto.Ididn’tcareifIwascleaningorsketchingorstudyinganartist,everyminuteintheshopfeltlikeitwasmeaningful,likeithadpurpose.
LikeIhadpurpose.
Buttonight,abouttheonlythingIfeltwasannoyed.
Siftingthroughmyfeelingsfeltliketoomuchwork.Why,exactly,wasIsoupsetthatLeoboughtmesomedamncandles?Itwasn’tabigdeal.HesawthatIlikedthem,andhewentbackandgotthemforme.Ishouldhavebeenappreciative.Ishouldhavesmiledandthankedhim.
Instead,Iwantedtothrottlehim.
Ididn’tknowwhichoptionupsetmemore—theonewherehetookpityonmeandmylowcashfundanddecidedtobeasaviorbypurchasingmeabunchofstupidcandles,ortheonewhereheactuallywasn’tshowingpity,butkindness,andthoughtfulness.
Okay,itwasdefinitelythatone.
ThefactthathecouldpossiblybeagoodhumanbeingwentagainsteverythingI’dbelievedabouthimsincethatsummerinhighschool.Whenhedidthingslikethis,itwasalmostlikehewasthatboyItalkedtountilearlyinthemorning,theonewhohadlayershedidn’tletanyoneelseseebutme.
Imuchpreferredbelievinghewasaself-centeredasshole.
MyhandhurtfromhowhardI’dbeengrippingthewritingtoolIusedonmyiPad,andIflexedmyfingersasIleanedawayfromthescreenandstudiedwhatI’ddrawn.Myaimwastocreateanunderwater-themedsleeve,andI’dachievedit.
Theissuewasthatitlookedlikeeveryotherfuckingtattooartistintheworld.
IbitbackahuffasItappedthemenu,andIwasasecondawayfromtrashingtheentirethingwhenmywristwassnatchedinafiercegrip.
“Whoa,whoa,”Nerosaid,frowningatmeandthenthescreen.“Iknowyouweren’tabouttodeletethis.”
“It’sgarbage.”
Hishandsoftenedwhereitheldmywrist,andIalmostthoughtIfelthimsmoothhisthumbovermyskinashereleasedmeandgrabbedthepenoutofmyhand.
“It’sverygood,”heargued,andhiseyesstudiedthescreenforalongmomentbeforehetappedthebuttendofthepentowhereI’ddrawncoralreefconnectingthemassivestingrayontheupperarmdowntothesandandshellsoftheforearm.“Thisisn’tyou,though.”
Isighed.“Iknow.”
“Sowhy’dyoudrawit?”
“BecauseIdon’tfuckingknowwhatelsetoputthere.”
NerofrownedmoreasIcrossedmyarmslikeachildandsatbackinmychair.Hedroppedthepentothedesk.“What’swrong?”
Ilookedathim,atthescreen,thenatmyshoesasIsighed.“Justabadnight.”
Henodded,thenroundeduntilhewasstandingbehindme.Withoutwarning,hisgargantuanhandswrappedaroundmyshoulders,andhebegantokneadthetensemuscles.
Iwantedtosighwithhowgooditfelt,thosemassivefingerspressingintomysoremuscles.AgroanIdidn’twanttoreleasecameoutwithoutpermission,becauseitfeltgoodtobetouched,andmymusclesneededtherelease.
Butwhenhishandssweptovermeinaslowermotion,whenIfelttheheatofhimbehindme,mybodywentrigid.
Nerowasmyboss—mymarriedboss—andhimrubbingmyshouldersfeltawholelotlikeitshouldn’tbehappening.
“Youneedtorelax,”hesaid,hisvoicelowfromwherehestoodaboveme.Istillhadn’tunfoldedmyarms,andevenasheworkedthemuscles,Ionlytensedunderhistouch.Wehadalwaysbeenfriendlywitheachother.Flirty?Maybeoccasionally.
Buthe’dnevertouchedme,notlikethis.
Andeverythingaboutitgavemetheick.
“You’resofocusedonfindingyourstylethatyou’resuffocatingyourcreativityandanychanceithasofshowingyouwhatitcando.”
Thatmademesoftenabit.
Hewasn’tbeingweird.Hewasjusttryingtocalmmedown,toguidemeashisapprentice.Iblamedmybitterattitudeandgeneralannoyancewithmenatthemomentforassumingtheworst.
IfNeroonlyknewthemainreasonfortheknotsofstressinmyneckwerefrommyroommateandmyratherinconvenientfeelingsabouthim.
“It’sjustconfusing,”Isaid,decidingtofocusonwhatIdidfeelregardingmyapprenticeshipandstayawayfromanyotherthoughtsswimminginmyhead.“IfeellikeI’mreadytostartwithmyownclients,butIalsofeellikeIhavenothingtoofferthattheycan’tfindfromsomeoneelse.”
“Andwhat’swrongwiththat?”
Ifrownedupathim,andhesqueezedmyshouldersoncemorebeforeroundingmeandploppingdownonthestooltomyright.Hegrabbedtheedgeofmychairandrolledmeovertohim,untilIwasalmostin-betweenhisspreadlegs.
“Everythingyouwantwillcomeintime,”hepromisedme.“Butyou’reholdingyourselfbackwaitingforperfectionwhenthetruthisthatyoujustneedtopractice.You’veworkedonseveralskinsnow,”heremindedme.“Allofwhichhavebeenbeyondhappywithyourwork.Sotellme—whyaren’tyou?”
IcouldbarelyfocusonanythinghesaidbecauseIwasin-betweenhislegs,andhishandswereonmykneesnow,holdingmeinawaythatwasfarmoreintimatethanabossandemployee.
“You’reright,”Isaidwithastickyvoice,tryingtoslowlybackoutofhistouch.“I’ll…I’llfocusonrelaxing.”
“Good,”hesaid,andthenheeliminatedwhatlittlespaceI’dmanagedtoputbetweenus.Hiseyessearchedmine,andthenhereachedoutandtuckedmyhairbehindoneear.“You’retalented,Mary.Andfuckingbeautiful,too.Thatcombinationwilltakeyoufarinthiscareer.”
Myskincrawledathiscloseattention,stomachroilingviolentlyasIchantednononooverandoverinmyhead.
IlookeduptoNero.Irespectedhim.EverythingI’dlearnedinthelastyearhadcomefromthesamehandsstillsqueezingmyknees.
Whenheleanedinjustacentimeter,Ipanicked,hoppingupandbreakingallcontact.
“Fuck,man,”Isaidonalaugh,runningmyhandsthroughmyhair.“Whatanight.Nothinganediblecan’tfix.”
Nerochuckled,slippingbackintothepersonaofthebossIknewashebracedhishandsonhiskneesandstood.“Getoutofhereandgowinddown.It’sslow,anyway,andIcancleanup.”
“You’resure?”IaskedevenasIstartedpackingupmybag.Ihadtogetoutofthere.Now.
“I’msure.I’llseeyoutomorrow.Andhey,”hesaid,grabbingmebytheshouldersandhaulingmeuptolookathimagain.Ifoughttheurgetosquirmoutofhishold.“It’sgoingtobeokay.You’redoinggreat.Andyou’llhaveyourownspotinthisshopbeforeyouknowit.”
Myheartdidasomersault.
Ifhe’dsaidthistomeeventenminutesago,Iwouldhaveleaptintohisarms.
Now,Iwonderedifhemeantit,ifIreallywasready,ifIdeservedtohavemyownchairandclientstofillit.
Orifhejustwantedinmypants.
“Thanks,Nero,”Isaid.
Isquirmedoutofhisholdwithoutanotherwordanddartedoutthedoor,tryingandfailingtocalmmybreathsasIfumbledformykeysonthewaytomycar.OnceIwasinside,Ilockedthedoorsasifthatcouldkeepoutthequestionsassaultingme.
Whatthehellwasthat?
Washe…hittingonme?
IshookmyheadevenasIthoughtit,sureIwaswrong.
Then,IshookmyheadatmyselffornottrustinginmygutthatIknewwastheonlythingIcouldreallyrelyon.
Buttoactuallybelievehewashittingonme?Whatwouldthatmeanformyapprenticeship,forthelastyearofmylife,formyfuture,mycareer?
Whatabouthiswife?
Itmademesicktoevenconsider,soIbanishedallthoughtwithasquealofmytiresoutoftheparkinglotandatwistofthevolumeknobonmystereo.IblastedTheWhiteStripes,rollingdownallmywindowsandlettingthecooleveningairwaftin.
I’djusttakenmaybemyfirstcalmbreathallnightwhenmyphonestartedringing.
Mom.
Igroaned,headdroppingbackagainsttheheadrest.Iconsiderednotanswering,butIknewwellenoughbynowthatifIdidn’t,she’dcallrepeatedlyuntilIdid,orthreatentoreportmeasamissingpersontothecops.
Withatapofmythumb,hervoicefilledthecar.
“Areyouinsomesortoftrouble?”
Ismiledatthesomehowcomfortingshrillnessofherworry.Itmademefeelathome.“Hello,Mother.TowhatdoIowethepleasureofalate-nightphonecallfromyou?”
“Don’tbesmartwithme,”shewarned.“Youneveranswerifit’sbeforenoon,andIknowyou’reprobablyworkingatthatparlor,anyway.”ShespatthewordparlorasifI’dbeenworkinginabrothel.“Orareyouevenworkingatall?”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“Itmeansthatwegotapast-duecreditcardstatementinthemailtodaywithyournameonit.”
Ifroze.
Shit
IpridedmyselfonneverusingthecreditcardtheysetupformewhenIleftthehouseateighteen.Ihadn’twantedit,butDadhadpracticallybegged.HewantedtoknowIhaditifIeverneededit,nomatterhowmuchIassuredhimIcoulddoitonmyown.
Sincethatday,I’donlychargedafewthingstoit,payingitoffimmediatelyandlettingitcollectdustinmywallettherestofthetime.Butwheneverythingwentdownwiththepipesandtheunexpectedmoveacrossthestreet,Ihadbrokendownandchargedgasandsomegroceries.ImeanttopayitoffassoonasIgotmypaycheck,butI’dforgotten.
AnditwaswiththisnoticethatIrealizedIhadn’tcheckedmymailsinceImovedtoThePit.
“Fuck,sorry,Mom.Imeantto—”
“Don’tcurseatme,younglady!”
“Ididn’tcurseatyou,Icursedtoyou.”
Iheardhergoingoffontheotherend,butitwassofternow,thesoundfarawayasifinacavethatIwasonlycatchingtheechoof.Youworryustodeath,Mary.Idon’tunderstandwhyyouwon’tjustcomebackhome.Orgotocollege,forgoodness’sake.Youwon’tletushelp,youwon’t—
Itsoundedlikeahandwassmotheredoverthephone,andthenafteralongpauseofsilence,thesoundcleared,andadeepvoicebellowedmyname.
“Hey,MareBear.”
Ialmostcriedatthesoundofmyfather’svoice.“Hey,Dad.I’msorryaboutthecard.I’llpayitassoonasIgethome,I’monmywaynow.”
“It’sallgood,Ialreadytookcareofit.”
Myneckheated.“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“You’reourdaughter,we’resupposedtotakecareofyou.”
Iignoredthestinginmychest.“I’llwireyoutonight.Justtellmewhattheoverduefeewas.”
“I’llsenditrightbackifyoueventry.”
“Idon’tneedyourmoney,Dad.”
“Hey,I’mnotaskingforanythinginreturn.”
Heshotthewordsoutlikeheknewthat’swhyIwasinsistent,andIcouldn’tevenlieandsayitwasn’t.LasttimeI’daskedfortheirhelp,they’doffereditalongwithasetofconditions—movebackhome,getaregularjob,enrollincollege,getmylifetogether.I’dexpecteditfromMom,butwithDad…ithurt.
“Areyougoingtocomehometovisitanytimesoon?YourmotherandImissyou.”
Isnorted.“Ihighlydoubtshemissesanythingaboutme.”
Whenhedidn’trespond,Isighed.
“MaybeyouandIcouldgrablunchthisweek.Icancomedowntowntotheoffice?Wehaven’thadyourfavoriteThaiplaceinawhile.”
“Okay,”Dadsaidafterapause,andIheardthehurtinhisvoice,howhewishedthingsweredifferentbetweenmeandMom.
Hewasn’ttheonlyone.
“I’llhaveMatthewjoinus,too.He’sdoingbigthings,justclosedadealonane-commerceappthatwewereinahead-to-headbattleover.”
Thefirstgenuinesmileofthedayfoundmylipsthen.“That’smybigbro.”
IcouldtellDadwassmiling,too,eventhoughIcouldn’tseehim.“He’llbeexcitedtoseeyou.”
Myheartached,wonderingforasplitsecondifIshouldhavefollowedinmybrother’sfootsteps,ifIshouldhavejoinedthefamilycompanyrightunderhimandDad.Icouldhavebeenfinishingupmydegreethisyear,justtwelvemonthsawayfromasix-figuresalarythatwouldonlyexponentiallygrow.
Butthethoughtdidn’tevenhavetimetostickbeforemycreativeenergywasbeatingitrightoutofme.
Iwouldhavebeenmiserable.
Thetruthwas,I’dratherbebrokeanddoingwhatIlovethanrichinsomepassionlessjob.
Ofcourse,aftertonight,Ihadasinkingfeelinginmygutthatthelastyearofmylifemighthavebeenwastedonamanwhowantedtofuckmemorethanhewantedtohelpmemakeacareer.
MymooddepletedagainasIturnedontoourstreet,andwhenIsawcarsliningbothsidesofThePitandlightsflashingfromourlivingroom,Igroaned.
Afuckingparty.
Great
“Igottago,Dad.I’lltextyouaboutlunch.”
“Weloveyou,MareBear.”
“Loveyou,too.And…thankyou,”Isaidsincerely.“Forthecardthing.Itwon’thappenagain.”
“Nosweat,”hesaid,andIknewforhimitwasn’t.Evenwiththeoverduecharges,mybetwasthatbillcouldn’thavebeenmorethanafewhundredbucks.Mydadspentmorethanthatondinnermostdaysoftheweek.
Iparkedatmyoldhouse,castingaforlornlookatitandwishingmorethanIhadinthelastsixweeksthatIcouldjustopenthedoor,climbthestairstomyroom,packabowl,andbealone.
Instead,IdraggedmyfeetacrossthestreettoThePit.Mary
NoonenoticedmewhenIwalkedthroughthedoor.
Notthatthatsurprisedme,consideringhalfthecheerleadingteamwasthereaswellasadozenorsosororitysisters.IspottedKyleandBradeninthekitchenliningupshotswithagroupofgirlsgatheredaroundthem,andwhilealotoftheteamwasthere,InoticedZekeandClayweren’t,whichmeantRileyandGianawouldn’tbeeither.
AsmuchasIlovedthosegirls,IwasgladIdidn’thavetoputonahappyfaceandpretendIwantedtopartywhenitwastheabsolutelastthingonmymind.ThankGodtheybothhadboyfriendstheywereobsessedwith.
Iweavedthroughthecrowduptomyroom,smilingwhenIfoundPalicocurledintoaballontheclothesI’dleftonmybed.
SheyawnedandstretchedwhenIquietlyshutthedoorbehindme,andIpettedheruntilshewassatisfiedbeforestrippingoutofmyclothesandjumpingintheshower.Ididn’tdothewholehair-washingandleg-shavingsonganddance,justrinsedoffandsighedwithcontentmentoncemysweatpantswereslippedon.Igrabbedthebiggestt-shirtIhadnext,notbotheringwithabra,andpoppedablueberry-flavorededibleinmymouthbeforefloppingdownonmybed.
Ihadn’tseenLeoonmywayup,andIwonderedforamomentifhewasinhisroomwithagirlalready.
Then,Iangrilyshovedtheheelsofmyhandsintomyeyesbeforeputtingonmyheadphonestodrownoutthenoiseoftheparty.
Andmybrain.
Forawhile,IsatproppedupinmypillowswithmyiPad,drawingasPalicopurredwhereshewastuckedinbymyside.Whentheediblestartedtohit,Ifeltallthetensionofthedaymeltoutofme,andmydrawingsbecamemorefluid,morefree.
Somewherearoundoneinthemorning,Istoodandstretched,crackingmybackwithafewquicktwistsbeforeIstaredatthedoorthatleddownthehall.Asmallpartofmewantedtojointhepartynow,butthelargerpartdidn’twanttoputonmakeuporwearanythingwithunderwireorzippersinvolved.Icouldhavegonetosleep,butIwasn’texactlytired.
Myearshurtfrommyheadphones,soItookthemoutandopenedmywindow,savoringthecoolbreezeandgentlequietofthenight.Then,beforeIcouldeventhinkaboutwhatIwasdoing,Ishovedthewindowallthewayupandcrawledoutontotheroof.
Theroomthey’dgivenmeoverlookedthegarden,andIcrawledonlyafewfeetabovemywindowbeforeIsatmyassrightonthecoolshingles,crossingmybarefeetundermeandleaningbackonmypalms.Thepartywasloudenoughthatthemusicandlaughterspilledintothenight,butitwassofterouthere,fartheraway,andthegentlehighIhadfromtheediblemademefeelweightlessandhappy.
Forthefirsttimeallnight,Ifeltatpeace.
“Youfoundmyspot.”
Ijumped,nearlytopplingofftheroofwhenIwhippedaroundandfoundashadowedfigurehunchedalittlehigherontheroof.I’dnosoonercaughtmybalancebeforetheshadowedgedintothelightfromthestreetlamp,andLeo’shandshotouttomakesureIdidn’tfall.
Hehadnorighttolookasgoodashedidinthemoonlight,andIknewmyhighonlymadehimappearmoreappetizing.Hishairwassomewhatstyled,buttussledbythewind,hiseyeswereglossedoverandtiredbutsomehowenticing,too.HeworealightpairofdenimjeansIwouldn’tallowmyselftofocusontoolong,andasweaterthathe’dshoveduppasthisforearmstobunchathiselbows.
Whydidhisforearmsturnmeonsomuch?
Iwantedtopulloneofthosearmsintomylapanddrawalloverit,wantedtotattooit,tomarkhimpermanentlywithmyart.
IshruggedhimoffonceIhadmybalance,pretendinglikeIdidn’tneedhimtogainit.“Youwouldbeouthere.”
Ididn’tsayitwiththevitriolIspatathimearlier,butratherinadisappointedkindofsigh.Ishouldhaveknownthepeacecouldn’tlast.
Iwasalreadymakingtoscootmywaybackdowntheroofandinsidewhenhishandcaughtthecrookofmyelbow.
“Don’tleave.”
Myskinburnedwherehetouchedme,andIfollowedthelinesofhisforearmuptowherethesleevesofhissweatshirthadbeenshovedup.Icouldn’tliftmygazeanyhigher,butIdidn’tmove,either.
“I’llgo,ifyouwanttobealone.”
“No,”Isaidwhenitwashimwhostartedtomove.“Ididn’trealizeitwasyourspot.I’llgo.”
“Idon’townit.Youlivehere,too.”
“It’sfine,Iwasjust…”Iquieted,notsureexactlywhatIwastryingtodo.
“Howaboutweshare?”heofferedwithasmirk,settlinginbesideme.“AndifIstarttopissyouoff,whichwebothknowislikely,justsaythewordandI’llgo.”
“OrIcouldpushyouofftheroof.”
“Thatisanotheroption.Notmyfavoriteone,thoughit’sprobablyyours.”
ThecornerofmymouthliftedjustabitasIsatbackonmypalmsagain,eyesontheskyandthenthegarden.Ididn’tknowwhyitmademehappythatLeowouldratherbeonarooftopthaninsidepartying,butitdid.
Iblamedtheedible.
“I’msorryaboutearlier,”hesaidafterabeat.
Islowlyturnedtohim,buthekepthiseyesontheroof,hiskneesbentandelbowsbalancingonthem.
“Withthecandles,”heclarified,stillnotlookingatme.“Ioverstepped.”
Isighed,andtriedonceagaintoblametheweedwhenIsaid,“Youdon’tneedtobesorry.Itwasmebeingabrat.YoudidsomethingniceandI…”
“Didn’tknowhowtoacceptit?”
Iswallowed,crackingmyneckinlieuofananswer.
“I’msorryIbargedintoyourroomandscreamedatyoulikeapsycho,”Isaid.“It’sjust…beenaweirdnight,Iguess.”
“Ikindoflikedyouscreamingatme,”Leosaid,archingabrowandfinallylookingatme.“Itwashot.”
Itonguedmycheekbeforeshovinghimhardenoughtoknockhimdowntheroofifhehadn’tbeenbracedforit.Helaughed,steadyinghimself,andthenwebothfellquietagain.
“Whathappened?”
“Hmm?”Iasked.
“Yousaidit’sbeenaweirdnight.Why?”
Isighedatthat.“Well,myparentscalled,whichisneveragoodthing.AndI’mprettysuremybosshitonmetonight,sonowI’mquestioningifthepastyearofmylifehasbeenawaste.”
Ichuckledwiththeadmission,tryingtomakelightofit,butwhenIlookedatLeo,hisexpressionwasstonecold,jawtense,browsinafirmlineoverhiseyes.
“Whatdidhedo?”
Iblinked,thenbarkedoutalaughwhenIrealizedhewasserious.“Calmdown,Mr.Chivalrous.Itwasn’tanythingovert.I’msureI’moverthinkingit,”Isaid,eventhoughIfelttheickinessofthatlieslidingintomygutasIturnedbacktothegarden.“AndIcanhandleit.”
Leodidn’tseemhappywiththatresponse,buttohiscredit,heleftitalone,broodingtohimselfinsteadofsayingwhateveritwashewantedtosay.
”IalsogotacallfromMargieearlier,”Isaidafterawhile.
Leo’sexpressionsoftened.“And?”
“Andontopofthewaterissue,theyfoundmold.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Well,youcanstayhereaslongas—”
“Webothknowthisroomisn’tgoingtobevacantformuchlonger,”Isaid,meetinghiseyes.
Heswallowed,notconfirmingbutnotdenying,either.Fallcampwouldstartsoonfortheteam,whichmeantwhoeverwastakingHolden’soldroomwouldbemovingin—probablywithinaweekortwo.
“It’sfine,I’llfiguresomethingout,”Isaid.“LikeIsaid,Icanhandlemyself.”
Astrongwindwhippedoverthetopofthehouseanddownoverus,makingmeshiverasItuckedmykneesintomychest.ThiswaswhatIlovedmostaboutlivinginNewEngland,howthesummerscouldbringblisteringheatbutalsonightsthatfeltlikefall.
“Fuck,hermosa,you’vegottabecoldinthat,”Leosaid,asifhejustnoticedIwaswearingat-shirt.Tobehonest,I’djustrealizedIwasonlywearingat-shirt,sansbra,becauseofcourse.Ifoldedmyarmsovermychestinanefforttohidemypiercings,thoughIwasn’tsurewhy.
Then,withoutanotherwordorachanceformetorespond,Leorippedhissweateroverheadandhandedittome.
Ilookedatit,athim,backatthesweater,andthenlaughed.
“What?”
“Areyouseriouslyofferingyoursweatertomerightnow?”
Hismouthflattened.“Areyouseriouslybeingsostubbornyouwon’ttakeiteventhoughyou’reclearlyfreezing?”
“I’mfine,”Isaid,internallycursingthegoosebumpsthatbrokeonmyarmsattheexactmomentthatliefounditswayintothenight.“Andbesides,itwouldn’tfitme.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Igesturedtomybody.“Haveyouseenme?I’dstretchitout.”
“Shutthefuckupandputonmysweater.”
Mymouthpoppedopen.“Howda—”
“Woman,”heseethed,cuttingmeoff,andthenhishandshotoutandgrabbedmebythewrist.Heshovedmyhandthroughoneofthearmholesbeforedoingthesametomyother,allwhileIstruggledtobreakfreewithoutflailingsomuchthatIpitchedmyselfofftheroof.
WhenIwouldn’tsitstill,hehastilyyankedthethingovermyheadandthengrabbedtheneckholeandpulledmesocloseIcouldsmellthesweet,headynotesoftequilaonhisbreathwhenhesaid,“YoucaneitherwearthissweaterorI’lluseittotieyoudownandwarmyouupwithmybodyheat,instead.”
Therewasachallengeinhiseyes,onepunctuatedwiththatcockysmirkIhatedsomuch.ButIfounditimpossibletofightbackwithhishandsonmelikethat,withhisbreathwhisperingovermylips.
Iswallowed,shovinghimawayandrelentingasItuggedthesweatertherestofthewayon.“There.Happy?”
“Very.”
Leosatbackwithavictorioussmile,andIshookmyhead,hatingthatwhileIwasirritated,Iwasalsofightingbacktheurgetoswoon.
I’dalwayswantedaguytogivemehisjacket.
Sowhatifitwasasweaterinstead.ItwasstillLeo’s.Itsmelledlikehim,likeaspicybodywashandlushgreengrassonahotsummerday.Iinhaledthatscentonasleepy-eyedsmile,andthenalaughbellowedoutofmebeforeIcouldstopit.
“What?”Leoasked,watchingmewithanamusedsmile.
“Nothing.”
“Younevergiggle,sodon’ttellmethatwasnothing.”
Thatmademelaughagain.Orwasittheedible?EverythingfeltsowarmandlovelynowthatIhadhissweateron,nowthatmyhighwasreallysettlingin.
“Nothing,it’sjust…”Ibitmylip,butitdidn’tstopmefromspillingwhatIknowIwouldhavekeptlockedupifIweresober.“WhenIwasyounger,Iusedtofantasizeaboutaguygivingmehisjacket.”
Leo’ssmilecreptup.“Really?You?”
“Yes,me,”Isaiddefensively,smackinghischest.“Ispecificallydreamedaboutitbeingalettermanjacket,aboutaguylikingmesomuchhewantedmetowearsomethingthatclaimedmelikethat.”
Ishookmyheadatthestupidadmission,cheeksflushing.
Then,Isoberedonthememorythatithadn’tbeenjustanyguyI’dfantasizedabout.
IthadbeenLeo.
Ifoundmyselfexasperatedbyhoweasilymybraintookmebacktothepastagain,byhowfrequentlyithadbeendoingsolately.BeforeIcouldsayanotherword,though,Leohoppedupandwascarefullymovinguptheroof.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Berightback,”wasallhecalledoverhisshoulderbeforedisappearing.
Iblewoutabreath,andthelongerIwasalone,themoreIdebatedsneakingbackinside.IhatedthatIwantedtobetherewithhim,thatIlovedthefactthathewasupherewithmewhenhecouldbeinsidewithanyothergirloncampus
“Don’tbeafool,”Ichastisedmyself,andIwasalreadystartingtopeeloffhissweaterwhenIheardhimfumblingdowntherooftome.
Iturnedjustintimeforhimtoopenahugejacketandwrapitaroundmefrombehind.
Notjustajacket.
Hisletterman.
Ifrozewhentheweightedfabriccloakedme,myheartpoundinginmyears.
“Whatareyoudoing?”IthoughtIheardmyselfask.
IglancedupatLeo,whoonlyshruggedandtuckedthejackettighteraroundme.“Makingdreamscometrue.”
Mybreathingintensified,heartquickeningitspaceuntilitfeltlikejustaflutterinmychest.Ilookeddownatwherethenavy-bluewoolhuggedme,fingersdeftlytracingtheleatheraccents,thebuttons,everylittlepieceallthewayuptoourschool’sletter.
Iknewwithoutconfirmingthathislastnamewassprawledacrosstheback.
Foramoment,Iwasfifteenagain,floatingonthecloudLeoHernandezbuiltjustforme.Iwaslivingonangstandbutterfliesuntilhisnamelitupmyscreen,dreamingabouthisvoice,smilingeverymorningwhenIsawatextfromhimwaitingonmyphone.
“Itlooksgoodonyou,”Leosaid,hisvoiceallapartofthefoggyhaze.
ButwhenIliftedmygazetomeethis,IrealizedIwassmiling.
Andwhenhiseyesfelltomymouth,whenheswallowedandglancedbackupatmelikehewanted…likehewantedto…
Iplummeteddowntoearthagain,landingwithapainfulsplat
Hastily,Ishruggedthejacketoffmyshoulders,rippinghissweateroverheadnext.Icouldn’tbreathe,letalonespeakasIstartedfumblingmywaydowntheroof.
“Mary,wait.”
LeoabandonedthelayersofhimI’dshedontheshinglesandchasedafterme.Hepassedmeeasily,blockingmywindowbeforeIcouldclimbthroughit.
“Move,Leo.”
“Whathappened?WhydoyoushutdownanytimeItrytogetclosetoyou?”
IwassodizzyInearlyfellofftheroof.“Please,justmove.”
Leoletoutafrustratedbreath,buttomysurprise,hedidasIasked,slidingoutofthewayandevenofferingahandtohelpmeinside.Iignoredit,ofcourse,butoncemyfeetwereplantedonthecoldwoodfloorofmyroom,hepressedhishandsonthewindowledgeandleanedin,keepingmefromshuttingthewindow.
“Whydoyouhatemesomuch?”
Iwasstillhavinganinternalfreakout,butthankfullymyinstinctskickedinandIscoffed.“Idon’tcareaboutyouenoughtohateyou.”
“I’mserious,”hesaid,notdeterred.“You’renicetotheotherguys.Friendly,even.”
“Yeah,well,theyaren’tcompletepigs.”
“AndIam?”
Imethiseyesthen,andinstantlyregrettedit.Helookedlikehewantedtocrawlthroughthatwindow,throughme,likehewantedtoripmeopenuntilhecouldseeeverythingIwashiding.
“Justbecauseyouaskdoesn’tmeanIhavetoanswer,”Isaidsoftly.
Ireachedupforthewindow,readytocloseit,butLeodidn’tbudge.
“CanIhaveasecondchancetorightwhateveritisIdidwrong?”
IstaredatthefloorsoIwouldn’thavetostareathim,andmyheartthumpedloudlywiththedesiretotellhimyes.
ButthenIlatchedontothetruthinhisquestion.
Hestilldidn’tevenknowwhathe’ddone.
Hestilldidn’trealizewhoIwas.
“Goodnight,Leo,”Iwhispered.
Iheldmyshakinghandsonthewindowframe,listeningtothewayhisraggedbreathsmatchedmineuntilhefinally,wordlessly,backedoutofmyroom.
Islidthewindowshutwithoutanotherglanceinhisdirection,pullingtheblindsclosedbeforeIhadthechancetochangemymind.Leo
“Areyousurethisisn’ttoomuch?”Bradenasked,surveyingthetablespread.
Kylehaddefinitelyunderstoodtheassignment,anduseditasanexcusetostayinthekitchenmostofthedaywhileBradenandIdeep-cleanedthehouse.ThefoldingtablethatwastypicallystickyfrombeerandlitteredwithredSolocupswasnowcleanedandcoveredbyawhitetableclothandcopiousamountsoffood.Everythingfrombruschettaandchickenkebabstoamushroomrisottoandpestoskirtsteakspreadoutlikeabuffet.Weevenlitcandlestogiveitaneleganttouch.
Islidmyhandsintomypockets,lookingaroundatthehousethatwascleanerthanithadbeenprobablyever.“Consideringwhatwe’reabouttosuggesttoher,Idon’tthinkso.”
“She’snevergoingtogoforit,”Bradensaid.
Ididn’targue,becausehonestly,Ifeltthesame.IfMarywantedtocutoffmyheadwhenIboughthercandlesorofferedherajacketwhenshewascold,therewaszerochanceshe’dbeopentowhatwewereabouttopropose.
Thememoryoflastweekontheroofmademyjawtense,andIwassickofhowmanytimesI’dreplayedeverysecond,wonderingwhattriggeredhertoblowmeoff.ItseemednomatterwhatIdidtotrytobuildabridgebetweenus,itonlypissedheroffmore.Ilikedwhenwejokedaboutit,whenIteasedherandshegaveitrightback.
Butsometimeswhenshelookedatme,Isawactualdisdain.
AnditkilledmethatIdidn’tunderstandwhy.
Clearly,beforeshemovedinwithus,shethoughtIwasaplayer,anasshole,justanothercockyathletewhothinkshe’stoogoodforeveryone.AndthatwasthepersonaIpainted,theimagethatgotmeanygirlIwantedandearnedmetherespectofteammatesbeforethey’devensetfootonthefieldwithme.MyreputationmadeuptheirmindsaboutwhoIwasbeforeIevenenteredtheroom,andthatmadeiteasytokeepatopspot,tointimidatethosewhoconsideredbattlingmeformypositionandscaretheshitoutofanyoneontheoppositeteamwhohadtotrytodefendme.
ButMaryhadlivedwithusforamonthandahalf.
Couldn’tsheseethroughthebullshitfa?adebynow?
Fromallthelittlecommentsshelovedtodrop,Iknewshecould.
Andyetstill,shecouldn’tstandme.
Itpissedmeoffasmuchasitmademedeterminedtochangehermind.
Thememoryofherinmylettermanjacketsoothedmelikeabalm,makingasmilecurlonmylipswhenthepicturecametomind.Hercheekshadflushedsuchaprettyshadeofpink,hereyessparklingabitwhensheheldittighteraroundher.Andseeingmynameonthebackofthatjacket,likeshewaswrappingmearoundher,likeshewasminetoclaim…
Ishookoutofmythoughtswhenthefrontdoorblewopen.Mary,Giana,andRileypiledin,theirarmslinkedastheytriedtocatchtheirbreathfromlaughing.
ItwasasightIwasn’tusedto,Maryallcarefreeandsillylikethat.Shewasred-facedfromlaughingsohard,hairawaveofgoldwhereitfannedoverhershoulders,andfuckifshewasn’tanabsoluteknockoutinabrownvelvetdressthatwassoshort,Iwasabsolutelypositiveshe’dshowherassifshebentoverinit.Itsthinstrapshunglooseonhershoulders,andIletmyeyesroveallherexposedskin,appreciatinghowshecouldwearthesimplestdressorshirtandshortsandstillturnheadsbecauseoftheinkandpiercingsthatcoveredherfromheadtotoe.
That,andthefactthatsheshouldhavetowearasignthatsaiddangerouscurvestowarnthepoorsuckerswhowalkedintowallsdailyfromgawkingather.
GianaandRileybothhadshoppingbagsontheirarms,andtheytossedthemontothebaywindowcushionasMarydabbedatthecornerofhereyewhereatearhadformedfromlaughing.Then,shestraightenedatthesightofme.
Hersmilefell,whichfeltlikeasuckerpunchrighttothegut.Iwasn’tasourceofherjoy,Iwasathiefofit.
Sheglancedatthetable,atourroommates,backatme,andthentothegirls
“Whatthehell?”Rileysaid,pointingherfingeratthetable.“What’sthis?”
“Whydoesitsmellweirdinhere?”Gianaasked,nosescrunching.
“Itsmellsclean,”Marysaid.
“Exactly,”Gianaagreed.“Weird.”
Kyleroundedoutofthekitchenwithacasseroledishofsomesortinhismitten-coveredhands,andheploppeditdownontheonlyfreespaceleftonthetablebeforehanginghishandsonhishipslikeaproudMomatThanksgiving.“Whatdoesitlooklike?Wecooked.”
Thegirlsblinkedinunison,andwhileRileyandGianaexchangedconfusedlooks,Maryonlylookedatme.
“What’sgoingon?”sheaskedsoftly.
“Can’twedosomethingniceforourroomie?”Kyleasked,walkingovertothrowhisarmaroundher.
Gianapulledatthefabricaroundhiswaist.“Areyouwearinganapron?”
“Everygoodcookwearsanapron.”
“Okay…doesn’texplainwhyyouarewearingone,”Gianamused.
“Icookallthetime,fuckyouverymuch,andI’mdamngoodatit.”Kylestoodtall,defensive.
Rileyfoldedherarms,herbrowarchinginsuspicion.“Areyoutryingtokillusorsomething?”
“Jesus,Novo,”Bradensaid,shakinghisheadather.
“What?Givenourhistory,Ithinkit’sfairtoassume,”shesaid,gesturingbetweenherandKyle.
“Thisisn’taboutyou,”hespatbackather.
“Thenwhat’sitabout?”Maryasked.
Thatmadeusallgrowquiet,andIranmyhandbackthroughmyhairbeforegrabbingmyneck.SomeonehadtoriptheBand-Aidoff.
Sinceshealreadyhatedme,IfiguredIwasbestsuitedforthejob.
“BlakeRussogotassignedtothehouse,”Isaid.
Therewasabeatofsilence,andthenGianadeflated,andRileycursed.
Maryjuststoodfrozen.
“Oh,”shesaidafteraminute.
“Wetriedtopushoffthedate,”Bradensaid.“Butwithcamparoundthecornerandsummertrainingpickingup,Coachwantshimtogetsettled.”
Marynodded,andthensnappedhermaskintoplaceandwavedusoffwithabreathofalaugh.Itwasalmostmagic,howshehidherhurtsoeasily,likeshehadbeendoingitallherlifeanditwasassecondnatureasbreathing.“Hey,it’sallgood.Iappreciateyouguyslettingmestayaslongasyoudid.I’llfiguresomethingout.”
“Well,actually,”Isaid,steppingforward.“Wewerethinkingyoushouldstay.”
Maryfrowned.“Stay?Butyoujustsaid—”
“Inmyroom.”
Onceagaintherewasalongbeatofsilence,andthenRileybarkedoutalaugh.“Yeah,okay.Nicetry,Leo.”
Gianaleanedintohersidelikeshewantedtowhisper,butwestillallheardherwhenshesaid,“Oh,myGod.Thisisoneofmyfavoritetropes.Twopeoplewhohateeachother,onebed…”
“I’mnotstayinginyourroom,”MarysaidloudenoughtosnuffoutRiley’slaugh.
“Whynot?”
ShescoffedlikeIwasanidiot.
“Youcanhavethebed,I’lltakethecouch.”
“Youcan’tsleeponthecouch,”shesaid.
“I’vedoneitplentyoftimes.”
“Yeah,he’llbefine,”Kylesaid,clappingmeontheshoulder.“He’sgotayoungback.Comeon,Mary.Youcan’tleave.Welovehavingyouheretoomuch.”
“Atleastnotuntilyourplaceisfixed,”Bradeninterjected.“Besides,whataboutPalico?Sheneedsyou.”
Marylookedbetweenthemandshookherheadonanincredulouslaugh.“Guys,Ican’tkickLeooutofhisroom.”
Bradenwavedheroff.“He’llbefine.”
“Whataboutmystuff?”sheasked.
“Ihaveplentyofroom,”Icutin.“AndIpromise,I’llonlygointherewhenIhavepermissionfromyou.I’llgrabwhatIneedformydaythenightbeforeandkeepitdownheresoIdon’twakeyou.IcanshareabathroomwithKyle.”
“Hecanputsomeofhisstuffinmyroomifheneedsto,”Bradenadded.“We’llmakeroom.”
Mary’sbrowsfurrowedwhereshewatchedme,likeshecouldn’tunderstandforthelifeofherwhywewouldevensuggestthis.
“Wedon’twantyoutoleave,”Kylesaidsincerely.“We’relikeyourbigbrothersnow.Wewanttolookoutforyouandmakesureyou’reokayuntilyourplaceisready.”
IhadtobitebackasnortatthatbecausethelastthingIthoughtofMaryaswasasister.
“Pleeeeeease,”Bradensaid,andhedroppedtohisknees,claspinghishandstogether.GianaandRileylaughed.Kyle,too.EvenIcrackedasmileatthesight.
Maryletoutanotherlaughofdisbelief,lookingbetweenallofuslikewewereinsane.Hergazesnaggedonme,andhersmileslipped.
“You’resureit’sokay?”
Thatwasalltheconfirmationmyroommatesneededtocelebrateavictory.
BeforeIcouldanswer,BradenjumpedupandleaptintotheairwithahollerwhileKylepickedMaryuplikesheweighednothing,tossingheroverhisshoulderandspinningaroundwhileshelaughedandcursedathimtolethergo.Shecoveredherasswithherhandsbutitwasapoorattempt,consideringhowmuchofthatblessedassshehad,andIhadjustenoughdecencyleftinmetolookawayanddownatthefloorasIhidmyownvictorioussmile.
“Alright,comeon,let’seat,”Kylesaidwhenhedroppedherfeetbacktotheground.“Imadeafuckingfeast.”
“I’mstillnotsureItrustthatthisisn’tpoison,”Rileysaidassheapproachedthetablewarily.
Kylegrabbedherandpulledherunderonearm,givingheranoogiewhileshestruggledtobreakfree.Shesockedhimhardinthearmwhenhedid,andIsmiledatthetwoofthemsomewhatgettingalong,especiallyafterthepastfewseasons.Kylehadreallygrownonallofus,likeastraydogyoujustcouldn’thelpbutlovenomatterhowmangeyhewas.
Asifshesensedthecommotionwasover,Palicosauntereddownthestairstojoinus.Marybenttopullthegrayballofpurringamusementintoherarms.Shestrokedherfur,listeningtoBradendetailhowhe’dfoundacontainerofsomethingquestionableunderKyle’sbedwhilehewascleaningandithadstartedgrowingacolony.Thereweremixedreactionsofdisgustandlaughter,andtheneveryonewassittingandpilingfoodontotheirplates.
Marystiffenedbeforeshesat,herhandsonthebackofachair.Shecrookedherheadjustalittletotheside,thenliftedhergazetomeetmine.
Itriedtosmile,triedtoassureherwithonelookthateverythingwasgoingtobefine.
Butinside,allIcouldthinkwasthatIwascompletelyfucked.
Becausewithintheweek,thatgirlwouldbeinmybed.Leo
Thelastbitofsummerflewbyinaheatedhaze.
Betweenshufflingourhousearound,Blakemovingin,fallcampstartingandPeeWeewrappingup,Ibarelyhadaspareminuteinthedaytoshit,letaloneanythingelse.AsexhaustedasIwas,beingbusyhadbeenagoodthing.
Itkeptmymindoffobsessingovermyroommate.
Maryofficiallymovedintomybedroomjustafewnightsafterwepresentedtheoption,andwhilesleepingonthecouchhadbeenapainintheass—andback—itwasn’tnearlyasdifficultaspullingonat-shirtandsmellingheralloverit.
She’dinvadedeveryinchofmyroomandbathroom.
Marywaseverywhere.Herhair,herscent,jewelryandlotionandnailpolish,too.Whileshe’ddoneherlevelbesttosteerclearofme,itwasimpossibletomakeitthroughevenonedaywithoutheronmymind.
We’datleastfoundsomesortofpeacetreatyinitall.Whilewewerebothbusyandhadn’tspentmorethanamomentortwotogethersincethatnightontheroof,shewasbacktocrackingjokesratherthanthrowingdaggersatmewithhereyes.Shemightnothavebeenmybestfriend,butsheatleastseemedgratefulformesacrificingmyspaceforher.
ItriednottogetjealouswhenIsawherdoingyogawithBradenorfuckingaroundinthekitchenwithKyle.IdidmybestnottostaretoohardwhenBlakegotcuriousaboutwhatshewasdrawingoneday,leaningoverherwithacurioussmilewhileshelookedupathimlikeshelovedthatheasked.
Itwasclearshedidn’twantanythingtodowithme.
ButleavingheralonewaspossiblythehardestplayrouteI’deverhadtorun.
That’swhyIwasthankfulforthefiveAMwakeupcalls,forpaddedpractices,filmmeetings,strengthtraining,andconditioningthatleftmejustawakeenoughtoshowerbeforeI’dcollapseonlytodoitallagainthenextday.ThiswaswhatIlivedfor—thatfeelingoffall,offootballconsumingeveryinchofmylife.Someathletescrashedunderthispressure,butIthrived.PackmyschedulewithmorethananormalhumanbeingcanhandleandI’llshowyoutheimpossible.
Still,evenIwasthankfulforthelittlebreakcoachgaveushalfwaythroughcamp.
ItwasSaturday,andhe’dnotonlyletusoutofthestadiumearly,butgivenusthenextmorningoff,too.Thereason?
TheNorthCarolinaPantherswereplayingtheirfirstpreseasongame,andtherewasahighchancewe’dgettoseeHoldenonthefield.
ThePitwaspackedbykickoff,halftheteamandsomeoftheirgirlfriendslitteringourcouch,chairs,beanbagsandeveryinchofthefloortheycouldfindaroundthetelevision.EvenMaryhadrearrangedherscheduleatthetattooshopsoshecouldbehomeforthegame,andshesatrightinthecenteroftheflooronamassivebeanbagwithRileyandGianaoneithersideofher.
They’dbeenpoundingseltzerssinceaboutnoon,sowhileIwassurprisedtheywereallstillawake,Iwasn’tsurprisedtheyweregigglingandmakingjokesabouthowfootballpantsshouldbeillegal.
ItfeltlikeaSuperBowlpartyratherthanapreseasongamethatdidn’tmeanshit,butforus,thisgamewasmoresignificantthananywe’dseenbefore.
Thiswasourquarterback,anNBUalumwhoactuallymadeit.
Itwasproofthat,maybe,wehadachanceinhellofgoingpro,too.
ItriednottowatchMaryfromwhereIwasinthekitchenasthesecondquartergotunderway.Ithadbeenpracticallyimpossiblewhilesittinginthesameroomasher,especiallyseeinghersorelaxedandhappyandbuzzed,ifnotalreadydrunk.Irememberedhowsheusedtobeatourpartieslastyear,sourandclosedoffandusuallylookingforthefirstexcusetobolt.
Now,shelookedlikeshereallyfeltathome,likewewerefamily.
“Man,I’mfuckingbeat,”Zekesaid,groaningabitashejoinedmeinthekitchenandhoppeduptositonthecounter.Hesquinted,massaginghisneckwithonehandwhiletheotherheldhisbeer.“AmIgettingold,orisCoachridingushardthiscamp?”
“We’reachampionshipteamnow,”Iremindedhim.“Moretoprove.”
Claysaunteredintojoinus,andItossedhimabeeroutofthefridgewhenIsawhewasempty-handed.Zekeliftedhisbeeronceourcanswerecrackedopen,andthethreeofustappedthemtogetherbeforetakingalongpull.
“FeelsweirdwithoutHolden,”Claysaid.
ZekeandInodded,andIfeltthatmixturebetweennostalgiaandnauseasweepingthroughmeagain.Iwonderedifitwouldbewithmeallseason,ifI’dconstantlybecaughtbetweensoakingupourlastyeartogetheratNBUandreminiscingonallwe’ddonetogetherthelastthreeyears.
“Hardtobelievewe’llallbegoingourownwayssoon,”Isaid.
“Eh,differentteams,maybe,butwe’llallbepro,”Clayofferedwithaconfidentshrugofoneshoulder.
Icockedabrow.“Yourealizetheoddsofthatareprettyslim,right?”
“Andyourealizeyou’reinthecompanyofthebestcollegefootballplayersinthenation,right?”
Ichuckled,liftingmybeerinasalute.Ilovedthathewasconfident,andwithhistalent,heshouldbe.Hisconfidencewasdifferentfrommine—itwasn’tcockyandhalfajoke.Itwascalmandsure,asifit’dalreadyhappened.
Still,Icouldn’tquietthatrealisticvoiceinsidemewhisperingthatonlyone-point-sixpercentofcollegefootballplayersmakeittotheNFL.
“I,uh…Iactuallydon’tknowifthat’swhatIwant.”
ClayandIbothwhippedaroundwhenthewordsleftZeke’smouth.
“What?”Clayasked.“Thefuckareyoutalkingabout,man?That’sbeenyouronlygoaleversinceI’veknownyou.”
“Longbeforethat,”Ichimedin.
“Yeah,Idon’tknow,”hesaid,grabbingthebackofhisneck.“Istillwantacareerinfootball,ofcourse,but…Iwasleaningtowardcoaching,maybe.”
ClayandIwerebothtooshockedtospeak.
Zekecheckedbehindhimbeforelookingatusagainandloweringhisvoice.“Ijust…Idon’tknowwhat’snextforRiley.”
Thatsuckedtheairoutoftheroom.
“Shewantstogoproasbadastherestofus,”hecontinued,shakinghishead.“But,Imean,weallknowthere’sneverbeenafemaledraftedtotheNFL.”
“Fuck,man,”Claysaid,runningahandthroughhishair.“Mystupidassnevereventhoughtaboutthat.I’vebeenrunningmymouthaboutgoingproallcamplikeafuckingasshole.”
“It’sfine,she’susedtoit,”Zekesaid.“Whenshefirstcameontheteam,Idon’tthinkshewantedanythingpastcollege,youknow?She’sgotacareerinartcurationwaitingforhereasily.Andshe’dbedamngoodatit,too.Butsomethinghasshiftedoverthelasttwoseasons.”Hepaused.“Shegotanagent,andlet’sjustsaytheagentisnot-so-gentlysuggestingsheconsidersportsbroadcastingifshewantsacareeranywherenearthesportsheloves.”
“Hedoesn’tthinkshehasachanceatall?”Iasked.
Zekescoffed,meetingmygazewithanincredulouslook.“Comeon,man.”
Inodded,fallingsilent.Rileyonlystartedplayingfootballbecauseofapromiseshemadetoherbrother,butfuckifshewasn’tthebestkickerI’deverplayedwith.Shelovedthegame,shewasagreatteammate,andanyteamwouldbeluckytohaveher.
Itpissedmeoffthatshemightnotevenbeconsidered.
“I’msorry,man,”Claysaid,squeezingZeke’sshoulder.“ButIdon’tthinkshe’dwantyoutoholdyourselfbackjustbecausetheNFLhasn’topenedtheireyesyet.Shewillmakeawayforherselfandyouknowit.Ifanything,it’dpissherofftohearyoutalkinglikethis.”
Palicostrolledintothekitchenthenwithacroakymeow,whichmadeusallchuckle.Claybentdowntoscratchthelittlethingunderthechin.
“He’sright,”Isaid.“Youwereborntoplayball,Z,notcoachonthesideline.”
Zekenodded,butdidn’thaveanythingmoretosay.Icouldseeitinhiseyesthathefeltonethingaboveallelse.
Hedidn’twanttoleaveherbehind.
ButIalsoknewthatnomatterwhatcamenextforthem,they’dbetogether.Somethingaboutthatmademycheststing,andIrubbedthespotabsentmindedlyasIchangedthesubject.“MybiggestquestionisareyoutwogoingtotaketherouteHoldendidandputaringonitbeforethedraft?BecauseIneedtoknownowhowmanysuitsIneedtobesavingupfor.”
Theylaughedmeoff,butIdidn’tmisshowtheybothfellintoaquietcontemplation.Theywereheadoverheelsfortheirgirls.Iwouldn’tbetheleastbitsurprisedwhentheymadeitofficialandclaimedthemforlife.
“Speakingofwhich…”Clayarchedabrowatme.“Whatthehellisgoingonwithyouandyournewroommate?”
IsurprisedevenmyselfwiththecasualcoolnesswithwhichItookasipofmybeer.“Well,shehasn’ttriedtokillmethisweek,sothat’snice.”
“Youtwolooklikeyou’resixtysecondsorlessfromfuckinginthenearestcloset,”Zekesaid.
“Yeah,right.She’dsoonerbeanun,”Icombatted.
ClayleanedtowardZeke.“Noticehowhedidn’tsayhe’dsoonerdoanythingelse.”
“You’reblindifyoudon’tseethatshewantsyou,too,”Zekeadded.“Thetensionistightenoughtosnap,man.”
“That’sjustbecauseshedespisesme,”Isaidwithaheavygut.
Icouldn’thelpthewaymyeyesdriftedtoMarythroughthekitchenwindowthen,andonelookatherbuzzed,sleepy,overjoyedsmilemademeachewiththedesiretopullherupstairsandholdherdownuntilwesettledwhateverthestormbetweenuswas.
Beforetheguyscouldrazzmefurther,someoneshoutedfromthelivingroom.
“Holden’sgoingin!”
“Oh,shit!”wesaidinunison,andthenwewerescramblingoutofthekitchenandfightingtobethefirstbackinfrontoftheTV.Whenwegottothelivingroom,westoodfrozen,slowsmilesspreadingonourface.
Therehewas,HoldenMoore,joggingoutforhisfirstplayasanNFLquarterback.
“I’llbefuckingdamned,”Claysaidinsoftadmiration.
Ihadtoclearmythroattoswallowdowntheemotionthatoverwhelmedmeinthatmoment.Iwassofuckingproudofmyfriend,IfeltlikeIcouldburst.
Ofcourse,I’dneveradmitthat,andtoeveryonearoundme,Ilookedcalm.
“Bro’sbeenskippinglegday,”Isaidloudly,whichearnedmethechorusoflaughterfrommyteammatesthatIwanted.
Mary’sheaddroppedbackagainstthebeanbag,herlazyeyeszeroinginonme.Icouldseethenhowdrunkshewas,andshehiccuppedbeforeofferingmeagoofygrinandalookthattoldmeshesawrightthroughme.
Itwasasconfusingasitwashope-inducing.
“Look,there’sJulep!”Gianacriedout,pointingattheTVwherethey’dpannedtoJulepinthestands.Marydraggedherheadbackup,themomentgone,andweallwatchedtoseeJulepwearingHolden’sjersey,herhairpulledintoaponytail,thebrightestsmileI’deverseenonherface,andthatimpressiverockglisteningonherfinger.
Fortherestofthequarter,wewerealltransfixedbythescreen,watchingasHoldenmovedthePanthersdownthefield.Icouldtellhewasstilladjustingtotheleague,whichweallknewwouldbenightanddaydifferentfromplayinghereatNBU.Buthelookedlikehebelongedthere,likehewouldn’tbeonthatbenchforlong.
Inhisseconddrive,hetookthemallthewaydownforatouchdown,andweallwentfuckinginsane.
TheenergyreallywaslikeaSuperBowlbythetimehalftimerolledaround,andeveryonejumpedup,runningofftoeitherusethebathroom,grabsnacks,orrefilltheirdrinks.IhadtotakealeaksobadIwasbouncing,andIcursedwhenIsawtheguestbathdownstairshadaline.IskippedupstairstoKyle’sroom,buthewasusinghisandtoldmetofuckoff,whichtoldmeitwouldbeawhile.
Hesitantly,Iknockedonmyownbedroomdoor.
Itwasquietinside,andafterabitwithoutresponse,Islowlycrackedthedooropentofindtheroomdarkandvacant.Islippedinside,shuttingthedoorbehindmeandmakingabeelineforthebathroom.
IgroanedwithreliefwhenIfinallystartedpissing,andthenIlookedaround,asmilecurlingonmylipsasItookinthedisastermybathroomhadbecome.Therewasmakeuponthecounterandinthesink,hairproductsstillpluggedinwiththecordsstrewneverywhere,aboutamillionhairandfaceproductsthatIcouldn’tbegintoguessthepurposeof,bodyspray,jewelry,andmore.
AlittleMaryBombhadgoneoff,andIcouldn’tevenpretendlikeIdidn’tenjoysittingintherubble.
Iwashedmyhandsandpulledoutafreshhandtoweltodrythem,andthenslippedbackintomyroom,readytoheaddownstairs.
IstoppeddeadinmytracksatthesightofMarywithhershirthalf-yankedoverherhead.
Thefabrictrappedherarmsandheadasshestruggledagainstit,littlegruntsoffrustrationpoppingoutofher.Whenshefinallygotitoff,shethrewittothegroundlikeithadgreatlyoffendedher,lettingoutahorse-neighofanexhale.
Injustathinbraandherlacey,layeredskirts,shelookeduptofindmestaringather.
Shedidn’tscream,didn’tjumpinsurprise,didn’tthrowthingsatmeinanefforttobanishmefromtheroom.Itwasalmostlikesheexpectedme,likeshehopedtoseemethere.Iheldhergazeinanefforttonotdevourherbody,tonottreatmyselftothesightofthemetalpiercinghernipplesorthefrecklesonherabdomenortheinkacrossherchestandshouldersandarms.
Withalazytiltofherlips,sheshrugged.“Don’ttellanyoneIpulledanIrishgoodbye.”
ThewordswereaslurofconsonantsandvowelsIcouldbarelymakeout,andalaughbubbledoutofme,softeningthetension.“Yoursecretissafewithme.”
Marypoutedthen,herimpossiblyplumplippokingoutasshereachedbehindherforwhatIpresumedwasforthezipperofherskirt.
“Canyouhelpme?Igottagetouttathis,”shesaid,andthenshespunaroundwiththeskirtsflaringandbackedupuntilshehitme.
Icaughtherandmybalancebeforewebothtumbledbackontothebed,myhandsfindinghernow-barewaist.
Iswallowed,runningmyknucklesdownthesmoothskinofherbackonagroanIhopedshedidn’thear.
“Uh,maybeIshouldgogetGiana.”ThewordsburnedmythroatasIsaidthem.
“Noooo,”shewhined,lettingherheadfallbackagainstmychest.“She’llmakemestaydownthereandIjustwannagotosleep.Youdoit,”sheinsisted,andthenshereachedaroundinanefforttoshowmethezipperofherskirt,butendedupjustdraggingherhandovermycock,instead.
Jesusfuckinghell
Istifledamoanatthefeelofherpalmingme,andshewassoobliviousthatshejustletherhandfallbacktoherthighwithaslap,oneofthosehorse-likeexhalesleavingheragain.
Icouldn’thelpbutlaughatthat.
“Thoughtyoudidn’tdrinkmuch,”IsaidasIunfastenedherskirtandtriedtothinkofroadkillandpoliticsandanythingelsebutthefactthatIwasundressingMary,thatsheaskedmetodoit.
“Welp,youareabadinfluence.”
“Me?”
Whentheskirtsloosenedaroundherhipsandfelltoapuddleatherfeet,shesighedwithrelief,andIdraggedmyeyesuptothebackofherheadsoIwouldn’tstareatherassinthelittlethongshewaswearing.
Shespunaroundandnearlyfellintomeagain,herhandspressingagainstmychest.“Yes,you.”
Isippedafierybreathwithherhalf-nakedandinmyarms,andthensheslowlyslippedaway,floppingdownontoherbed.
No.
Mybed.
Shestruggledwiththecoversforamomentbeforeshewasburiedunderneaththem,andIwatchedherthrasharoundforaminuteuntilsuddenlyherbrawentflyingovermyshoulder.
Fuck.Me.
Now,Marywastopless,innothingbutalacyscrapofunderwear,wrappedupinmysheetswithheremerald,glazedeyesandlazysmilepeekingoverthecovers
Iforcedaslowinhale,anequallyslowexhale,andshovedmyhandsintomypocketstokeepfromdoinganythingstupid.
“C’mere,”shesaid,reachingahandoutlongenoughtopatthebed.
Iswallowed.“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
Marykepthereyesonmeasshemaneuveredunderthecoversagain,andthenshepeeledherthongoutfromunderthem,lettingthemdangleoffafingerforonesecondbeforetheydroppedtothefloor.
Sheallbutpurredasshecoziedintothesheetsevenmore.“Somuchbetter.”
Eachbreathwasmoreraggedthanthelastfrommyachingchest.Ineededtoleave.Ineededtoturnoutthelightandclosethedoorandtakemyassdownstairsrightfuckingnow.
ButIwasrootedinplace.
Marypulledthecoversuptoherface,inhalingadeep,dramaticbreathbeforeshefloppedaroundandsighedjustasdeeply.“Ugh,”shegroaned.“Whydoyouhavetosmellsogood?”
Iarchedabrow.
“Yoursheets,”shesaidwhenIdidn’tanswer,tuggingthemupfartherandwrappingherselfuplikeaburrito.“God,theysmellsogood.Andyoursweaters,too.”
“You’vebeenwearingmysweaters?”
Sheshotahandoutfromunderthecoverswithherindexfingerpointedup.“Technically,yougavemeonetowearfirst,soit’sintherulesthatit’sokaytowearthemwheneverIwanttonow.”
“Isitnow?”
“Uh-huh.”Shenoddedupandthendownsharply,matter-of-factly,hereyesclosinglikeshewasgoingtopassoutrightthenandthere.
“Ididn’trealizewehadarulebook.”
Shepeeredatmeoverthecovers.“Wedo,butyoukeepbreakingalltherules.”
“Howso?”
“Buyingmecandles,givingmeyourjacket.”Shethrustherhandtowardme.“Andwhydoyouhavetolookatmelikethat?”
“I’mjustlistening.”
“No,you’restandingthereallstoic,butIseeit.”
Iswallowed.“Whatdoyousee?”
Marywatchedmeforalongmomentbeforeshesatup,weightonthepalmsofherhands,thecoversjustbarelycatchingontheswellsofherbreastsandkeepinghernippleshiddenfromview.Herlonghairspilledoverthoseswells,overthesheets,hereyesheavyanddazed.
“Iseethatyou’ddevourme,”shewhispered.“IfIsaidtheword.”
Mycockjoltedinmysweatpants,everymuscleinmybodystrainingwiththeefforttorestrainmyselffromdoingwhatshe’djustassessed.Shewasnakedinmyfuckingbed.EvenGodHimselfwouldgivein.
“Youshouldgetsomesleep,”Imanagedtocroakout,turningbeforeIsaidfuckitandwentagainsttherationalvoiceinmyheadremindingmeshewasdrunkandhadnoideawhatshewasdoing.
Iheardherflopbackintothemattress,andIflickedoutthelight,turningbackjustintimetowatchherrollontoherside.IopenedthedoorandPalicobouncedin,skippingpastmeandboundingontothebed.Marysmiled,eyesclosedassheranherfingernailsoverthecat’sneckwhileitkneadedthecoversbeforecurlinginnexttoher.
IletmyselfwatchheronlyasecondlongerbeforeIturnedoutthelights.
“Iwishyouremembered.”
Ifrozeatthewords,frowninginconfusionassomethingsharpandhotzappedthroughmyspine.
Iturnedslowly.“What?”
ButMarywasalreadyasleep.
Hermouthhadfallenopeninalittleo,softsnorescomingfromherchest,hairfanningoverherface.
Afterquietlyshuttingthedoor,Itookafewstepsbeforestandingstillinthehallway,onehandfindingthewallasifI’dteeteroff-balanceandspiraldownthestairswithoutholdingmyselfsteady.
Myheartpounded.Mythoughtsraced.Mybreathwasshallowandshort.
Sleepwouldn’tfindmethatnight.
I’dtossandturnandsweatoverthinkingeverysinglesecondofwhathappenedinthatbedroom.
Butthenextmorning,whenMarydraggedherselfintothekitcheninanoversizedt-shirtandshorts,herhairamessandlastnight’smakeuponherface,she’dsmileatme.She’dsmile,andgroanaboutneedinggreasyfoodandabottleofAdvil,andsketchinhernotebookwhiletherestofourroommatesambledintothekitchen,too.
She’dlaughwhentheycommentedonhowdrunkshewaslastnight,andthey’dtakeherjokesabouthowweaktheirgamewaswiththefewgirlsthey’dinvitedoverandfailedtolandattheendofthenight.
They’dtellhershewasablast,thattheyweregladshestayed,thatshewaspartofthefamilynow.
Andshe’dblushandlaughandtellthemshedidn’trememberathingafterthefirstquarter.Mary
“Oh,myGod—pleaseshowmehowyoudothat,”GianasaidafterIlinedmylefteye.
“Dowhat?”
“Thatperfectcat-eyething.MinealwaysgoesuptoohighoranglesouttoolowandIcannevergetthemeven,either.”
Rileypoppedopenhertubeofmascara.“That’swhyIskipeyelineraltogether.”
“Yeah,well,notallofuscanlookaseffortlesslygoldenandgorgeousasyouwithoutasingleounceofmakeupon,Riles,”Ipointedout.
“Shutup,you’rebothgorgeous,”sheshotback,butIdidn’tmissthewayhercheekstingedpinkwithalittleblush.Somethingtoldmethatbeingtheonlygirlinamale-dominatedsportprobablymeantshedidn’tgetcomplimentsonherfeminineenergymuch,butsheradiatedit,anddeservedtoknow.
Gianasmackedmyarmandheldoutherlinerwithalookthatsaidbacktothesubjectathand,please.
ItwasChartDay,whichIhadzeroknowledgeaboutotherthanapparentlyitwasthedayCoachannouncedwhowasplayingwhatposition.RileykeptsayingsomethingaboutadepthchartandGianahadbeenuptohernoseinmediaworkallweek.Buttonight,theyweredraggingmeoutalongwiththerestoftheteamtocelebratethetruekickoffoftheseason.
Partofmehadwantedtoargue,butitwassoquietcomparedtothatpartofmejusttwomonthsago.Yes,Iwastiredandreallyjustwantedtosmokeabowlandwatchamovie,butatthesametime,Iwasexcitedtogooutwitheveryone.
IwashappythatIhadgirlfriendswhowantedtodragmeoutofthehouse,thatIhadtheobnoxiousyetsomehowadorableroommateswhotreatedmelikeasister,thattheteamasawholehadembracedme.Forthefirsttime,IfeltlikeIhadacommunityoutsideofthetattooone.
IfeltlikeIbelonged.
ThefactthatIhadn’treallyfeltthatcomfortableattheshopeversincewhathappenedwithNeroalsoaddedtomyexcitementtogooutandblowoffsomesteam.Nerohadn’ttriedanythingweirdsince,butIfeltthedifference,thewayhewatchedmelesswithguidanceandmorewithexpectation.IsworeIfelttheothergirlsintheshopwatchingmedifferently,too—liketheythoughtIwasexcellingtoofastorgettingspecialtreatment.
Thatwassupposedtobemyhome,myrefuge.Thatshophadbeenmysourceofcomfortforyears.
Now,ithadflipped,andmycomfortcamewhenIunlockedthedoortothishouseattheendofeachnight.
Thatthoughtstruckme,andalittlesmilespreadonmylipsasItalkedGianathroughwinginghereye.
“Whatareyousmilingsogoofilyabout?”sheasked.
BeforeIcouldanswer,therewasasoftknockonthedoor.
“Comein!”Rileycalledwithouthesitation.
Thedooropenedslowly,andIpeekedoutofthebathroomjustintimetoseeLeohesitantlyleanhisheadin.
Mystomachflippedatthesightofhim,especiallyoncehesawthatnoonewasindecentandlethimselftherestofthewayin.Heworeacreambutton-upshirtwiththesleevesrolleduptohiselbows,showingoffthoseforearmsIsworewerethesourceofeveryfantasyIhad.Theneckwasunbuttoned,hisnecklacesvisiblethroughtheVofthecollar,alongwiththemuscularswellsofhispecs.Thejeanshe’dpairedwiththeshirthungdeliciouslyoffhiships,andIfollowedthelineofthemdowntohisbarefeet.
Fuckme…whyishimbarefootwearingjeanssofuckinghot?
Itookmytimeslowlytrailingmyeyesbackup,andmygazesnaggedonhisdarkhair,onthewayitframedhisgoldeneyes,andthedevilishsmirkheworesowell.
“Ijustneedtograbsomeshoes,”hesaid,anditwasthenthatIrealizedhe’dbeenbusycheckingmeoutwhileIwaspretendingnottotakeineveryinchofhim.
Foramoment,wejuststoodthere,eyeslockedononeanotherwhileIheldthatstupidtubeofeyelinerinmyhand.Therewasafuzzymemoryinthebackofmybrain,oneofhimbeinginthisroomtwoweeksagowhenIwasdrunkandhalf-asleepmidwaythroughHolden’spreseasongame.Icouldn’trememberwhatwassaid,butmybodyviscerallyreactedtothememory,likeitwouldalwaysrememberevenifmybrainneverdid.
Shakingitoff,Iclearedmythroatandpointedtowardhiscloset.
“Ofcourse,goahead.”
Henoddedhisthanks,buthiseyesdidn’tleavemeuntilhedippedinsidetheclosettograbtheshoeshewaslookingfor.
“Ithinkwe’regoingtocallanUbersoon.Areyougirlsaboutready?”heaskedwhenhewasuprightagain.
“We’llmeetyouthere,justfinishingup,”Rileysaid,andIhadn’tevennoticedthatsheandGianahadbothbeenstandinginthedoorwayofthebathroom
“Cool,”Leosaidtoher,andthenhiseyeswereonmeagain,hissmileslipping.Heswallowed,gazewashingoverthelengthofme.Itriednottocowerundertheheat,focusedonsquaringmyshouldersashetookinmyfavorite,earthy-greendressthatmademytitslookincredibleandshowedoffallmythightattoos,too.I’dfounditatathriftstorewhileshoppingwithJulep,givingupsevenofmyhard-earneddollarstobuyit.Ihadn’tevenaddedtheleatherjacketormyfavoriteblackbootsyet.Itwasoneofmyfavoriteoutfitstogooutin,onethatmademefeellikeabad-assbitch.
ThewayLeowaslookingatme,IknewI’dlandedthelook.
Hecoughedalittlebeforeheadingforthedoor.“Alright,well,we’llseeyouthere.”
Whenhewasgone,IsqueezedpastRileyandGianaintothebathroomandwentbacktomylessonontheperfectcateye.ButIbarelygottwowordsoutbeforeRileycutin,smackingthetubeoutofmyhand.
“Bitch,wedon’tcareabouttheeyeliner.Whatthehellwasthat?”ShepointedtothedoorLeohadjustexitedoutof.
“What?”Iaskedwithashrug.“Heneededshoes.”
“Oh,Ithinkwhatheneedsisahealthydoseofyouinthatdress,”Gianaargued.
MycheeksflamedsofastIhopedmymakeuphidatleastalittleoftheredIknewwasfindingmyskin.“Shutup.”
“Youshutupandtelluseverything,”Rileysaid.
Iscrewedupmyfaceattheparadoxofwhatshe’dsaid,buttheywerealreadydraggingmetothebed.Theysatmedownandstoodaboveme,armsfoldedandwaiting.
“Youguysarebeingsoweird,nothingisgoingon,”Isaid.
“Bullshit,”Rileyshotback.“Youcan’thaveoneofmyteammateslookatyoulikethatandfeedmetheliethatit’snothing.ZekeandIkeptourshithiddenforweeksbeforeanyoneknew.Iknowwhathidingitlookslike.”
“Ditto,”Gianasaid,holdinguponefinger.“Andyoudon’tevenhavetheguiseofpretendingyou’redatingtocoveryou.”
Isighed.“It’s…nothing.Really.Wehaven’tdoneanything.”
Rileyarchedabrow.“Butyouwantto?”
Myheartsqueezed.”It’scomplicated.”
“Welp,notimelikerightnowtounravelit,”Gianasaid,andshehoppedintothebedwithme.“Spill.”
Iwasalreadyopeningmymouthtomakeupsomelameexcuseorbrushthemoffagainwhensomethingkickedmehardinthechest.Itcamefromtheinsideout,liketheveryessenceofwhoIwasrefusedtoletmeflee.
AndIrealizedthatIwantedtotellthem.
I’dnevertoldanyone—mostlybecauseIdidn’tfeelcloseenoughtoanyonetotell.Buthereweretwogirlswho’dbecomemyfriends—mybestfriends—andtheywereasking.Theywantedtoknowwhatwasgoingon.Theywantedtohelp.
So,Itookadeepbreath,andItoldthemeverything.
Itoldthemaboutthatsummer,abouthowI’dfallensohardandcompletelyfortheversionofLeoIknewonline.Itoldthemabouthistextsandourlate-nightphonecalls,aboutthetimeshewishedsobadlytoknowwhoIwas.Then,withatightthroat,ItoldthemaboutthedayIrevealedmyself,howhe’drejectedme,andfinally,howI’dblockedhimandkilledanyconnectionwehadleft.MyvoicegrewalittleshakierwhenItoldthemhehadnoideawhoIwasnow,thatmyappearancehadchangedsomuchthankstobraces,myskinclearingup,andhowI’dgrownintomycurves.
VariousreactionscrawledacrosstheirfacesasIspoke,fromshockandexcitementtoangerandhurtandeverythingin-between.
WhenIfinished,RileytookadeepbreathasGianahoppedupfromthebed.“Okay,wait,soletmegetthisstraight.”Sheheldupherhandandtickedofffingersasshesaid,“Youtwowerebasicallyinloveasteenagers,youtoldhimwhoyouwereandherejectedyou,thenthedummydidn’tevenrememberwhoyouwerewhenyoumovedinacrossthestreet,thenyouendedupbecomingroommates,andnowhe’sbeenbeingnicetoyou,givingyouhisjackettowearandbuyingyoucandlesandlookingatyoulikehewantsyousobadhehastositonhishandstokeepfromactingonit,andthroughallthis,”shesaidwithawaveofherhandaroundtheroom.“Hestillhaszeroideawhoyouare?”
Ishiftedonthebed.“Imean,Ithinkloveisastrongwordforwhatwehadwhen—”
“Bah,”Gianasaid,wavingmeoffinahuff.“Whateveritwas,it’sstrongenoughthatit’shadyouinagripallthistime.AndmaybeLeo,too.”
“I’veneverseenhimdateanyoneseriously,”Rileyadded.
Isnorted.“Yeah,butthat’sbecauseit’sLeo.He’dratherbanganythingwithtitsandlegsthanbelockeddown.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”Rileyasked,andthethreeofusfellsilent,considering.
Afteramoment,Gianaclaspedherhandstogetherunderherchinwithherlashesfanningoverherbigeyes.“God,thisislike—”
“Donotstartlistingoffyoursmuttybooktropes,”Iwarnedher.
Shepressedherlipstogether,faceturningredlikeshewouldburstifshecouldn’tgetthemout.
“Ican’tfuckingbelievethis,”Rileysaidwithanincreduloussmile.“Whenareyougoingtotellhim?”
“I’mnot.”
Theybothbalkedatthat.“Whatthefuckdoyoumean,you’renot,”Rileysaid,andGianashookherheadwiththesamenotion.
Istoodandbrushedmyhandsovermydress.“Look,hedoesn’trememberwhoIam,whichjustshowshowinsignificantIwastohim.Andevenifhedidremember,hewasacompleteassholetomeandruinedmyentirehighschoolexperience.”
“Itsoundslikehisfriendsdidthat,”Gianapointedout.
“Yeah.Andhestoodidlybyandletthem.Hedidn’tstandupforme.AndwhenhesawwhatIlookedlikeinreallife,hedecidedIwasn’tworthyofhistimeanymore.”Justrememberingithadmeseething,andIwasthankfulforthatanger,becauseithadbeensoabsentlatelythatIwonderedifithadevaporatedaltogether.
Thatangerwasablessing.Itsavedmefrombeingstupid.
“He’saprickandI’moverit,”IsaidwithfinalityIonlyhalffelt.
Atthat,RileyandGianafoldedtheirarmsinsync.“Sure,sure,that’swhyyoutwowerealleye-fuckingjustasecondago,”Rileysaid.
“Don’tyouthinkhe’schangedsincethen?Grownupalittle?”Gianaadded.“Maybehedeservesachancetoexplain.”
Ichewedtheinsideofmycheekasthatfoggymemoryofthepreseasongamesurfacedagain.IknewweweretalkingaboutsomethingwhenIclimbedintobed,whenhewasabouttoleavetheroom…
God,whatwasit?
Forthelifeofme,Icouldn’tremember.
“Look,thingswithLeoarejusttoocomplicatedandholdtoomuchpainformetorehash.Okay?It’saloteasierformetoremindmyselfofallthereasonsIhatehimthanitistothinkofhowhemighthavechanged.”
Giana’sfacecrumpledatmyadmission.
“Fornow,wehaveagoodthinggoing.We’refriendlyandcohabitating.That’sallIwant.And,”Iadded,swipingmyjacketoffthebackofLeo’schair.“Togooutandhaveagoodtimewithmygirlstonight.”
Theydidn’tlookpleasedwithmyinsistencetodropthesubject,butfortunately,theydid.
Andafterquicklyapplyinglipstickandlast-minutetouches,wewereoutthedoorandonourwaytothebar.Leo
Ifeltlikeanunexplodedbombreadytodetonateattheslightestmovement.
SomethinglethalstirredinmyveinsasIdrankatthebarwithmyteammates,alittletooattunedtothedoorasIwaitedforMarytowalkthroughit.
Icouldn’tplacemyagitation,couldn’tfigureouthowI’dmanagedtobecompletelyfinearoundMaryuntiltonight.I’dsurvivedthatnightinmyroomwithhernakedinmybed,keptmyhandstomyselfanddidn’tpushherwhenshesaidshedidn’trememberathing.Ihadbeencontenttoliveinthissomewhatstablepeacebetweenus,knowingthatwasallI’dgetfromher.
Butseeingherinthatdresstonight,watchingthewayshetookmein,howherskintingedpink…ithadwiredmeuptightenoughtocombust.
Ihadtohaveher.
Attheveryleast,Ihadtoshootmyshot,totellherthatIwantedherandnotbackdown.Iwouldn’tletherhide,either.Ifshedidn’twantanythingtodowithme,she’dhavetosayittomyface—andthewayshelookedatme,Iknewevenifshecouldgetthewordsout,they’dbealie.
Iwasusuallyupforplayingthecatandmousegame.Ifounditfun,enticing,andlovedtolickmychopsbeforefinallydevouringmyprizeintheend.
ButwithMary,Ididn’thavethecontroltoplaythegameanylonger,toactunaffectedbyher.
Iwascompletelyfuckingferal.
ThechamberaroundmyribseasedupabitatthesightofherswingingthroughthedoorwithRileyandGiana,thethreeofthemrunningstraighttothebarfordrinks.ItookalongpullofmineasIwatchedthem,takinginMaryinthatgoddamndressagain.
I’dseenherwearitbefore,butitwaswhenshelivedwithJulepandwantednothingtodowithme.Backthen,I’dtakenonequicklookandthoughtdamn.Butnow,Iknewwhatthatbodylookedlikeinbaggysweatpantsandaloose-fittingt-shirt.Iknewwhatshelookedlikewithmessyhairandnomakeupon.
Andforsomereason,thatmademybloodpumpevenhardertoseeheralldolledup,toknowbothversionsofher.
IvibratedwithapossessionIhadnorighttofeel.
“So,areyouactuallygoingtomakeyourmovetonight,orareyougoingtomakeussufferthroughanothermonthoftheawkwardtensionbetweenyoutwo?”
Iblinked,tearingmygazeawayfromMarytofindBradensmirkingbesideme.Hedrainedthelastofhisbeerwithanexpectantgaze.
“Noneofusarestupid,Hernandez.”
“We’renotblindeither,”KyleaddedfromwherehewasinagameofdartswithBlake.“Although,sometimesIwishIwassoIdidn’thavetowitnessyoupiningsodamnhard.”
Bradenchuckled,handreachinguptosqueezemyshoulder.“Foroursakesaswellasyours,tellthegirlhowyoufeel.”
“Ifyoudon’t,I’llmoveinfirstthinginthemorning,”Kyleaddedwithasmirkbeforehethrewthedartandhitaperfectbullseye.
“Ifyouwanttokeepthathandyoujustthrewwith,you’llreconsider.”
HeandBradenbothlaughedatmythreat,sharingalooklikethey’dwonjustbymeadmittinghislittlecommentgottome.
IshruggedBradenoffandturnedbacktofindMaryagain,steelingmyselftogooverandtalktoher.ButwhenIfoundher,shewasn’twithGianaandRileyanymore.
Shewaswithaguy.
Notjustaguy,butagroupofthem,andsomegirls,too.Ididn’thavetolookthemovermorethanoncetomakeaneducatedguessthattheywereherco-workers,everysingleoneofthemcoveredininkandmetal.
Theonetalkingtoherwastallandmassive,withlonghairpulledintoabunandathickbeard.Shelaughedatsomethinghesaid,whichmadethehaironthebackofmyneckstandup,mybloodpumpingabitharder.
Then,heputhishandatthesmallofherback.
Allthenoiseofthebarmutedatthatcontact,myeyesstickingtowherehispalmsplayedoverherskin.Inoticedacouplegirlsstandingtotheleftofthemnoticedtheintimatehold,too.Oneofthemnarrowedhereyes,nudgingherfriendandnoddingtowardwheretheguywassoftly,almostimperceptibly,pullingMaryalittlecloser.
InearlybrokeatoothwithhowhardIgrittedmyteeth,andIspunawayfromthembeforeIcouldtorturemyselfwithwatchinganylonger.
Whothefuckwasthat?
She’dnevermentionedaboyfriend,orevenanyoneshehadacrushonattheshop.Infact,theonlytimeshe’dtalkedaboutaguywaswhenshesaidherbosshitonher.
Wait,wasthatherboss?
Isnuckalookovermyshoulder,tryingtorememberifshe’dsaidanythingaboutwhathelookedlike—butshehadn’t.
Anditdidn’tmatterwhohewas.
Hehadhishandsonher,andthatalonewasenoughtomakemeconsiderjailtime.
Iforcedaninhale,blowingoutmyfrustrationandsteppinguptotakethenextgameofdarts.IjustneededtowaituntilshewaswithRileyandGianaagain,oralone,andthenIcouldgotalktoher.Ididn’tneedtobeafuckingassholeandstormovernow,especiallynotwhenIwasseeingredwiththatguysofuckingclosetoher.
Myplanworked—foraboutanhour.
ButwhenI’dplayedenoughdartstomakemyarmburnandhadanotherbucketofbeersonlytofindherstillsurroundedbythesamegroup,Ilostpatience.
Fuckit
Iweavedthroughthecrowdwithherasmytarget,ignoringClaywhenhetriedtocallmeoverforshots,andagirlI’dfooledaroundwithlastseasonwhotriedtocatchmebythearmasIpassedher.IhadjustslippedheroffofmewhenMaryturnedmid-laughandsawmeapproachingher.
Hersmilestayedinplace.
Shedidn’tturnawayfromme,didn’tgivemealookthatsaidshedidn’twanttobebotheredorgobacktowhoevershewastalkingto.ShejustheldmygazeasImademywaytowardher,smilingandtuckingherhairbehindoneear.
Itwaslikethepartingofthesea,thewaythecrowdseemedtomoveformethen.Andallthemusic,theconversation,thelaughterandsoundofglassesclinkingtogether—itallfadedintothebackgroundthecloserIgottoMary.
BythetimeIreachedher,she’dallbutturnedawayfromthegroupshewaswith,andtheguytalkingbesideherpausedatherlackoffocus,followinghergazetowhereIstood.
God,shewasbreathtaking.
Thegreenfabricofherdresshuggedherinalltherightplaces,showingmeeveryspotIcouldgrabherandholdonto.Itsettheemeraldofhereyesablaze,too—andthoseirisesflashedwithcuriositythelongerIstoodthere.
“Hey,”Isaid.
Stupidly.
Shesmileddownatherbootsbeforepeekingupatmethroughherwaterfallofhair.“Leo,thesearesomeofmyfriendsfromwork.”
Marygesturedtotheguysandgirlsaroundher,whoalltippedtheirchinsatmeassherattledofftheirnames.
“Thisismyboss,Nero,”shefinished,andsureasshit,itwastheguywho’dbeenblatantlyhangingonherallnight.
Hisjawwashardasheextendedahandformine.“Youmustbetheroommate.”
“Oneofthem,”Isaid,remindinghimIwasn’ttheonlyguylookingoutforherinthisbar.Iprobablyshouldhavefeltintimidatedbyhowhetoweredoverme,butIdidn’t,andIsqueezedhishandjustashardashesqueezedmine.“Noonetotattootonight?”
“Hadsomeappointmentscancel,sosomeusdecidedtotakethenightoff,”hesaid,thensmileddownatMarybeforethrowinghisarmaroundher.“JustserendipitousthatweendedupatthesamebarasMaryJhere.”
IthoughtIsawMary’ssmileslipintosomethingalittlemoreuncomfortable,thoughtshelookedalittlestiffwhereheheldheragainsthim.Thatbombinsidemestartedtickingagain.
“NerowasjusttellingmethathethinksI’mreadytostartbringinginmyownclients.”
Myangersubsidedabitatherwords,andIsmiledgenuinelyather.“Noshit?”
“She’sbeenready,”Nerosaid,beaming.“Everyskinshe’shadwalkedawayhappy.Butnow,she’llhaveherownspot.”
Ididn’ttakemyeyesoffher.“That’s…amazing,”Isaid,wishingIhadbetterwordsfortheprideswellinginmychestforher.“Congratulations,Mary.”
Sheflushed.“Thankyou.”
Ifeltthatsameholdonusthatwe’dbothsuccumbedtoinmyroomearlier,likewedidn’tgiveashitthatanyoneelsewasaroundus.Wejuststoodthere,staring,waitingfortheothertosaythefirstword.
Iwasn’tgoingtolosemyshotthistime.
“Canwetalk?”Iasked.
ButMarydidn’tgetthechancetoanswerbeforeNerowasallbutputtingherbehindhimlikehewassomesortofbarrier.“Actually,wewerejustabouttoplayagameofpoolandMary’sonmyteam.”
“I’mprettysureMarycananswerforherself,”Isaid,stillkeepingmyeyesonher.
Sheopenedhermouthtospeak,buthecutinagainbeforeshecould.
“AndI’mprettysureyoudon’tneedtobeanassholeaboutit.”
“I’mnotbeinganasshole,Ijustaskedifwecouldtalk,”Isaid,finallylookingathim.
Helaughed.“Yeah,Ibetyouwanttotalk.Yourfacetellsadifferentstory.”
“Nero,”Marysaid,tuggingonhissleeve.Shelookedlikeshecouldn’tbelievehe’djustsaidthat.“It’sfine,I’lljustbeasecond.”
“No,it’snotfine,”Nerosneered.“Becausethisguyispretendingtobeagentlemanofferingyouhisbedwhenit’sclearasdayhehasanotheragenda.”
“That’sfuckingrich,comingfromyou,”Ishotback.
Mary’seyesgrewwide.“Leo,”shescolded.
Herco-workersweretunedinnow,andIsawafewofthemsharequestioningglancesatmycomment.Thetwogirlswho’dbeenwatchingNero’shandonMary’sbackearlierseemedparticularlyintrigued,anditmademewonderifNerowasn’tjustacreeptoMary.
“What?”IaskedMary,butmyeyeswerestillboringintoNero’s.“Don’twantthemtoknowthatyourbosscrossesthelineandputsyouinuncomfortablesituationswhennooneelseisaround?”
IbarelygotthewordsoutbeforeNerowasrushingmelikehewasreadytofight.Wemetinthemiddle,chesttochest,bothofusseethingashisfriendscrowdedbehindhimandmyteammatesbegantoflankmysides.ClayandZekeweretheclosest,andknowingtheyhadmybackonlykickedmyconfidenceupanothernotch.
“That’senough,”Marysaid,slippingbetweenusandshovingmeharduntilIhadnochoicebuttostepback.“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?!”
“Me?”Ialmostlaughed,butwhenIlookedatherandsawsincereanger,mymouthhungopenindisbelief.“Really?”
“Ithinkyou’veoutstayedyourwelcome,kid,”Nerosaidfromoverhershoulder.Hecrookedasmileatthewordkid,andwhenIlookedbacktoMaryandfoundherstaringatthefloor,avoidingeyecontact,andnotsayingafuckingwordinmydefense…
Irealizedhewasright.
WhatthehelldidIexpect?
Maryhatedme.She’dmadethatmuchclearfromthemomentwemetlastyearwhenshelivedwithJulep.Itdidn’tmatterwhatIdidtoprovetoherIwasn’twhoshethoughtIwas.Evennow,shetoleratedmeatbest,shuttingmedownanytimeItriedtocrossthelineshe’ddrawnbetweenus.
Butthatnight,inmyroom…
Shewasdrunk.
Shewasdrunkanddidn’tevenrememberasecondofit.
Itonguedmycheek,noddingasIsteppedback,allthewhilewillingMarytolookatme.Ipleadedsilentlyforhertostopme,totakemyside,tostandupformeandforherself.
Butshedidn’t.
AndwhenIcouldn’tbeartowatchherrejectmeanylonger,Iturned,blowingthroughthecrowdfortheexitsoIcoulddetonatewithouttakinganyonedowninthecarnagewithme.Mary
Leohadn’tmadeitfivestepsoutthedoorbeforeIshovedthroughit,too.
“Leo!”
Hedidn’tstop,andIhadnoideawherehewasevengoingconsideringhewasstormingintoaparkinglotfullofcarsthatdidn’tbelongtohim.We’dalltakenUbers.Hedidn’thaveanywheretorun,tohide.
“Leo,damnit,stop,”Icalledagain,andthistimehepaused,fingersrollingintofistsathissidesbeforeIsawhimtakeadeepbreath.Hishandsrelaxedabit,andhedraggedthemthroughhishairbeforekeepingthemthereontopofhishead,backstilltome.
Thelotwasempty,saveforafewsmokershangingoutoutsidethebar.Theydidn’tpayanyattentiontousasIhungmyhandsonmyhips,waitingforLeotosaysomething.Hisbackmusclestensedenoughformetoseeeventhroughhisbuttonup,asifhehadarighttobetheangryonerightnowafterwhathejustpulled.
“Whatthefuckwasthat?”Iaskedwhenhedidn’tspeak.
Slowly,calmly,Leoturnedaround.
Hepinnedmewithaninescapablegaze.
“Thatwasmetryingtotalktoyou,andthenstandingupforyouwhenyouwouldn’tdoityourself.”
“You’rejoking,right?”Ithrewmyhandtowardthebar.“ThatwasyoumakingafoolofmeinfrontofeveryoneIworkwith.”
“BecauseItoldthetruth?”
“Becauseyouinterjectedyourselfintomyjob,mycareer.DoyouknowhowhardI’veworkedforrespectatthatshop?Doyourealizewhatyoucouldhaveruinedwiththoselittlecommentsyoumade?”
“Ididn’truinanything,”hesaidconfidently,pointingbehindmetothebar.“Thatguyistheoneruiningshit.Andincaseyoudidn’trealizeityet,heisn’tgoingtoletyougo.Hewantsapieceofyouandisdamnsurehe’llgetit.”
“Oh,andyoucanseeallthatbymeetinghimonetime?”
“IknewbeforeImethim.Iknewwhenyoutoldmeontheroofwhathappenedbetweenyoutwo.”
“Butyouweren’ttherewhenithappened!Idon’tevenknowifanythingdidhappen.”Afrustratedbreathpuffedoutofme.“I…Iprobablyreadtoomuchintoit,andnothingweirdhasgoneonsince,butnow—”
“Don’tdothat,”hesaid,shakinghishead.Hetookatentativesteptowardme,hiseyessofteningabit.“Don’tsecondguessyourselflikethatcreepwantsyouto.”
Mywordsstutter-stoppedinmychest,andIswallowed,foldingmyarmsovermyself.“Look,whathappenstomeisnoneofyourbusiness.”
“WhatifIwantittobe?”
Silence.
SilencethatwassodeafeningIfeltitintheverycoreofwhoIwas.
Itfelloverusalikeaparachute,driftingdownslowlyuntilwewereencompassedcompletelyandhiddenfromtherestoftheworld.Mypulsereverberatedthrougheverycellinmybody,theairbetweenusalivingthing.AndwhenLeotookanothertentativesteptowardme,hisAdam’sapplebobbinghardinhisthroat,Ilosttheabilitytobreathe.
“Saysomething,”hepleaded.
MyheartthunderedinmyearsasIshookmyhead,andIhadtolookdown,awayfromhim.
Foramoment,Leostoodstill,waiting.
Then,hegrowledinfrustration,whippingarounduntilhewasstormingawayfrommeagain.
“Leo,”Isaid,hisnamecrackingmyvoice.
Igaspedinsurprisewhenheturnedonmeagain,pullingathishairbeforehishandsthrusttowardme,hiseyeswild.“Ican’tfuckingdothis,Mary!”Hisbreathsshookthroughthewords.“Iwantyou.Iknowyouknowit,too.”
Myheartshudderedtoastop.
Itwasonethingtoassumeit,buttohearhimsayit…
“Ididn’t—”
“Don’tlie,”hesaid,hisvoicecalmernow,softer.Hetookanothersteptowardme.“Youknowit.Youcanfeelit.Youwantme,too,butforsomereasonyoukeepplayingthisfuckinggame.”
Iwasshockedsilent,butinside,Ifeltthevolcanowhistlingandsearingandroaringtolife.Eachwordhesaidspawneditonmore,thetasteofashonmytongueasitsimmeredandstirred.
“Damnit,woman,”hesaid,shakinghishead.
Mychestwasonfire.Mybreathswerehotsteam.
“I’mmadaboutyou!”Leogrippedhishairagainbeforehishandsstretchedouttowardme.“Can’tyouseethat?”
“Youwereoncebeforeandyoudon’tevenremember!”
Thereitwas.
Theeruption.
Myeyesbrimmedwithtears,nosestingingasIliftedmygazetomeethis.MybreathsweresohaggardnowthatIpressedahandagainstmyachingribcageasifIcouldsootheit,asifIcouldtamethemoltenlavaburningmefromtheinside.
Therewasnogoingbacknow.
Leojusttiltedhisheadtotheside,frowning,confusionwashingoverhim.“What?”
Ishookmyhead,turningittothesidetofocusonarandomcarinsteadofthestupidboystandinginfrontofme.Themotionsettwofattearscascadingdownmycheeks,andIswipedthemaway,foldingmyarmsovermychest.
“Twoweeksago,inmyroom…”Leobreathedthewordsslowly.“You…yousaidyouwishIremembered…”
Iclosedmyeyesagain,tearsburningbehindmylidswhereIrefusedtosetthemfree.
Itfeltlikeaneternitypassed,butwhenIchancedlookingatLeoagain,hewasashen.
Everylineinhisfacehadsoftened,hiseyeswide,jawslack.Hestaredatme,butitwaslikehewasn’tseeingmeatall.
Itwasasifhewasinanotherplace,anothertimealtogether.
“You…”hecroaked,andthenshookhishead,deftlyblinkingbeforehiseyesfoundmine.“Stig?”
Thenicknamewasjustaboveawhisperwhenitlefthim,butitfeltlikeaknifetomychest.
Iswallowed.
Inodded.
AndthenIletoutagaspofasobashechargedmeandsweptmeintohisarms.
Leo
Anentirecitycrumbledinsideofme,buryingmyachingchestandstammeringheartintherubbleasIreachedforMaryandpulledherintome.
MynextbreathburnedevenmorethanthelastasIcrushedhertomychest,butIheldheronlyamomentbeforeIwaspullingbacktolookather.Isweptonehandthroughhersilkyhair,cuppingthebackofherheadasmyeyessearchedeverycurveandlineofherface.Itookinherfreckles,herglossywintergreeneyes,hertremblinglips.
Myotherhandranalongthelineofherneck,herskinhottothetouchasItracedhercollarboneandthenuptoherjaw.MyheartwasinmythroatasIsmoothedmythumbovertheappleofhercheeks,memorizingthebridgeofhernoseasItracedit,committingherplumplipstomemorywhenmythumbfoundthemnext.Herbreathwasasshallowasmine,thewarmthofitghostingovermyfingertipsasItookherin.
IchokedonthefirstcleanbreathI’dtakensinceIlosther.
Wrappinghertightlyinmyarmsagain,myhandswentfromherhairtoherback,overherarms,uptoframeherneckandholdherevenclosersoIcouldfeelthatshewasreal,thatshewashere.
Itwasadreamandanightmareallatonce.
“How?”Iwhispered,notsureifthequestionwastoherormyselfortheuniverse.Ipulledherback,framingherarmswithmyhandsandlettingmyeyeswashoverherbeforeIcrushedhertomeagain.“How?”
Ineverwantedtolethergo.
Ineverwouldlethergo.
I’dalreadydecided,myarmstighteningaroundher,chestswellingwiththatpossessionthathadbuiltbeforeIevenknewwhoshewas.
HowdidInotknowwhoshewas?
Mymindracedwithmemoriesofthatsummer,ofhowsheleftmewithnoexplanation,ofthepainIthoughtI’dneverescape.Howcouldshebehere?
Andifsheknewitwasme…whydidn’tshesayanythingbefore?
IfrownedasIthoughtthroughthelastyearandahalf,fromthecommentssheslungatmewhenshelivedwithJuleptoeverywakingmomentshe’dlivedatThePit.MybrainhurtasItriedtopieceitalltogether.
Iwishyouremembered…
Herwordsechoedinmysoul,butIcouldn’tmakesenseofanyofit.
Ididn’trealizeMarywascryinguntilshesniffed,pressingherhandsintomychestandputtingspacebetweenus.Shefoldedherarmsoverhermiddleagain,likeshewantedtoshieldhermostvulnerableplacesfromme.
“I…Idon’tunderstand,”Ifinallymanaged,achingtopullherintomeagain,butIrefrained.“Mary,youknewitwasmeallalong?”
“Ofcourse,Idid.”
Shockslammedintome,myjawhingingopen.“I…whydidn’tyousaysomething?Why…”Iswallowed,andthenthequestionsIhadburiedforsolongtumbledoutunbidden.“Whathappened?Wheredidyougo?Whydidyoughostme?”
Itwasherturntolookconfused.“Ghostyou?”
“Rightafterschoolstarted,”Iremindedher.“Iloggedonandsawyourusernamebutthenyoujust…disappeared.Icalledyou,butyoudidn’tanswer.Mytextswouldn’tgothrough.I…”
Maryblinkedatme,angersimmeringinhergreeneyes.“Areyouplayingsomesortoffuckinggamerightnow?”
Thewayshelookedatme,likeIwassomesortofvillain…
Itkilledmeandconfusedtheever-livinghelloutofme,too.
“What?No,”Istarted,butshecutmeoff.
“Yourejectedme,”shespat,andIdidn’tmisshowtearswelledinhereyesagain,butshedidn’tletthemfall.“ItoldyouwhoIwas.Igaveyouthedrawingsyouaskedmetomakeforyou.I…Iputeverythingontheline,andyoutookonelookatmeanddecidedIwasn’tenough.”
IwassodesperatetoholdherIcouldn’tfightitanymore.
“Mary,Iwouldnever—”
ButsheyankedawayfrommebeforeIcouldtouchher.
“Youdid,”sheseethed,butherangerwassnuffedoutbypain.“Youdid,Leo.Doyouseriouslynotremember?”
Ishookmyhead,soconfusedIcouldn’tdoanythingbutblinkather.
“Pimple-facedpornfreak?”Sheliftedherbrows,waiting.
Ifrowned,trackingthroughmymemories,becausesomethingshesaiddidtriggeradistantsomething.Iclosedmyeyes,reachingforit.Whateveritwaswassofoggy,sominusculeinmyfilingcabinetofmemoriesthatitwaslikesearchingforacrumpled-upreceiptlodgedsomewherebetweenthousandsofpiecesofpaper.
MyheadachedfromhowhardItriedtoreachforit.
Andthen,Iremembered.
Itwashazy,adayIhadn’tthoughttwiceaboutevenwhenIwasyounger.ButIvaguelyrememberedagirlgivingmeanotebookatschoolafterpractice.Ihadnoideawhoshewas.Icouldn’trecallathingaboutwhatshelookedlike—thecolorofherhair,whatshewaswearing—nothing.AndIdefinitelydidn’tknowhername—noteventhen.
AllIrememberedwasfeelinguncomfortable,justwantingtowalkawaybeforeanyofthedouchebagguysonmyteamcouldmakeitanyworseforeitherofus.
TherealityofwhatitreallywashitmesohardIstumbledbackward.
“Oh,God,”Imanaged,shakingmyhead.IliftedmygazetoMary’s.“Thatwas…you?”
“Fuckyou,Leo,”shesaid,spinningonherheel.Shestormedawayfromme,butIchasedafterher,roundingherandblockingherfromgoinganywhereelse.
“Mary,Iswearonmymother’slife,Ididn’tknow.”
“You’retellingmeyousawwhatIdrewyouanditdidn’tclick?Meandyou,anXboxcontroller,thestars?”
Ididn’t.Ididn’trememberasinglethingaboutwhatwasinthatnotebook.
“I…Idon’tknowwhattosay.Iwasanidiot,afuckingkid,okay?IthoughtyouweresomerandomgirlwithacrushonmeandIwasafraidmyfriendswouldmakeyourlifealivinghellsoIjustblewyouoff.Imean,Ididn’tknowitwasyoubut—”
“Theydid,”shesaid,herbottomliptrembling.“Theydidmakemylifealivinghell.Andyoudidnothingaboutit.”
“Ididn’tknow.”Thewordswereacry,aplea.
“So,youdidn’tseethefuckingflyerstheyprintedoutofmyfaceandmydrawing?Didn’tcatchthenicknametheygavemethatIneverescaped?”
Thistime,Ireallycouldn’tplacewhatshewastalkingabout.“What?When?”
“Rightafterithappened!”
Ifrowned,shakingmyhead,andthenIgrabbedherarmsandheldhersoshe’dlookatme,soshe’dseethesincerityinmyeyeswhenItoldherthetruth.
“Mary,Ididn’tnoticeanythingthatentirefuckingyear.Okay?Iwassickoverlosingyou.Iwas…Idon’tevenknow,paralyzedbythelossofyou.Ibarelypassedmyclassesthatsemester.Ihadtheworstseasonoffootballofmyentirelife.IspenteverywakingminutethatIwasn’tatschooloratpracticetryingtofindyou.”
Shetriedtoscoffandbrushmeoff,butIheldtight,carefullybringingmyknucklestoherchinandtiltingituptolookatmeagain.
“Ineverwouldhavehurtyouonpurpose,”Iswore,andIprayedshefeltit,thatshebelievedme.“ButI’msorryIdid.I’msorry,Mary.I’mso,sofuckingsorry.”
Herfacewarped,likemywordshadspearedher,andIknewwithoutmuchruminationthatshehadtohavebeenwaitingyearsformetosaythem.WhileIwasmissingher,wishingforher,shewastryingtorecoverfromtheugliestsideofme.Itkilledmetoevenconsider,toknowthoseguysI’dcalledfriendshadmadehersuffer.
ThatIhadmadehersuffer.
I’dhurttheonegirlI’devercaredfor,allwithoutevenknowingit.
Mystomachrolledatthethought,andIhadtoholdher.IhadtoholdherandpraythatshefeltwhoIreallywas,thatshe’dbelieveIneverwouldhavedonethistoherhadIknown.
Ipulledherintomychest,squeezingmyeyesshutastheoverpoweringfeelingofhavingfoundhersettledoverme.Shewasstiffinmyarmsatfirst,butthenshemelted,herhandsfistinginmyshirt.Isqueezedhertighter,wantingsobadlytokissthecrownofherhead,butrefrainingonlybecauseIknewIhadalongwaytogotoearnbackhertrust.
IfIeverevenhaditinthefirstplace.
“Youreallydidn’tknow?”sheasked,hervoicemuffledbymyshirt.
“Iswear,Mary.Ihadnoidea.IfIhad,Iwouldhavepulledyouintomyarmsandclaimedyouforeveryonetosee.”
Shesniffed,buryingherheadinmychest.“No,youwouldn’thave.”
Ipulledbackonafrown,slidingthepadofmythumbalongwhereatearhadstreakedhercheek.“Areyoucrazy?Youmeanteverythingtome.”
“Isawitonyourfacewhenwemet,though.Iwasn’tgoodenoughforyou.”
Itiltedherchinagain,findinghergazewithmyown.“Youweretoogoodforme.Iwasanidiotfornotseeingthatitwasyou.”Thetruthofthathitmelikeatidalwave,thefactthatI’dputusboththroughyearsofmiseryallbecauseIdidn’trealize…
Ishookmyhead,determinednottodwellonthepast,onmistakesIcouldn’ttakeback.
Shewasherenow,andIhadthechancetofightforher.
I’ddiebeforeI’dletherslipthroughmyfingersagain.
“Comehomewithme,”Isaid,searchingherglossyeyes.“IknowIhavealottoprovetoyou,alotofpaintoheal,alottoexplain.”Iswallowed.“Letmestarttonight.”
Maryrolledherlipstogether,eyesflickingbetweenmine.
Mercifully,shenodded.
AndwhenItookherhandinmine,thepieceofmeI’dbeenmissingforyearsquietlysnappedintoplace.Mary
Iwokelatethenextmorning,mybodyachingasifI’drunamarathon,throatscratchyandeyespuffyandraw.LeoandIhadstayedupuntilalmostdawn.We’dtalkedalittle,butwerebothsodrainedfromtheemotionsweexpelledoutsidethebarthat,mostly,wejustexistedtogether,likeneitherofuscouldbelievewe’dfoundourwaybacktoeachother.
IknewIcouldn’t.
IneverconsideredtellingLeoaboutwhathappened.Tome,thatshiphadsailed,andI’dfirmlyputhimintheboxofassholesnevertobetrustedagain.Iknewhedidn’trealizewhoIwasnow,thatI’dlostweightandfixedmyteethandclearedupmyskininawaythatmademelooklikeacompletelydifferentperson.
Butlastnight,whenthetruthdidcomeout…Ineverexpectedhimtosayhehadn’tknownitwasmeallthoseyearsago.
I’dconsideredit,once,thatnighthecookedtostonesforme.Butithadbeensuchabrief,stupidthoughtthatI’dshoveditawayassoonasitmadeitselfknown.
Icouldn’tbelieveIwasright.
Myheadstillspunwitheverythinghe’drevealedtomethenightbeforeasIwincedandpushedmyselfuptositagainsttheheadboard.Ididn’trememberLeoevenleavingtheroom.WhatIdidremember,whatI’dneverforget,wasthelookonhisfacewhenhesworetomehedidn’tknowitwasmethedayI’dthoughtherejectedme.
Allthistime,Ithoughtheknew.
Ithoughthetookonelookatmeandwasdisgusted.
SoI’dblockedhim,burnedhim,removedhimfromeveryinchofmylifeandmadesuretherewasn’tsomuchasacrackforhimtoweaselhiswaybackin.
IfeltsicknowthatIrealizedifI’dhavejusttalkedtohim,ifI’dhavejustaskedhimtoexplainwhyheblewmeoff…Iwouldhavefoundoutthathedidn’t.Notreally.
Whatwouldhavehappenedthen?
Whatwouldourliveshavebeenifhe’dknownitwasme?
Maybehestillwouldhaverejectedme.Maybehewaslyinglastnightwhenhesaidhewouldhaveheldontomeandneverletgo.Howcouldhesaythat,whenhedidn’tevenreallyrememberwhatIlookedlikeorwhoIwas?
Butmaybe…
Maybewewouldhavebeentogether.
Wouldwehavedated,heldhandsinthehallway?WouldIhavewornhisjerseysatthegamesandhadhisjacketwrappedaroundmelateatnight?
Wouldwehavebrokenup,goneourseparatewaysafterayoungloveburnedoutasitsooftendoes?
Wouldwebetogetherstill?
Igroaned,diggingtheheelsofmypalmsintomyeyesandpullingmykneesuptomychest.IwassonauseousIdidn’twanttochancemovinganymorethanthat.
Therewasasoftknockonthedoor,andthenbeforeIcouldanswer,itcreakedopenjustenoughforLeotolookin.Hepausedatthesightofme,somethingunreadableinhisexpressionbeforehenudgedthedoortherestofthewayopen.
Myheartsurgedinmychest,amixtureoflongingandwarmthcombattedbyfear.
Hishairwasanabsolutemess,likelyfromtheamountoftimesheranhishandsthroughitlastnight.Evenwithhiseyesredandswollenlikemine,helookedlikeacozydreaminhissweatpants,sleevesrippedofftheold,tatteredNBUt-shirthewore,hisribcagevisiblethroughthegapingholesandhisnecklacesgleamingaroundhisneck.Hehadamugofcoffeeineachhand,theliquidsteamingashecarefullywalkedoverandhandedonetome.
Mystomachsettledjustbyhavinghimnear,byseeingthathewasn’tgoinganywhere,thatheknewwhoIwasnowandhedidn’trun.
“Thankyou,”Iwhispered,voicestillraw.
“FiguredyouhadtobeastiredasIam,”hesaid,hesitantlysittingontheedgeofthebed.Hewatchedmetakeasip,myeyesclosingonahum.
Thecoffeehadhazelnutcreamerinit.
“Ihopeyoulikethatflavor,”hesaid.“Irememberedyoumentionedthatyoumissedthecreameryourdadalwayshadathome,butIcouldn’trememberwhatitwas.”
“Toffee,”Isaid.“Butthisiswonderful.Thankyou.”
Myheartsqueezedatthethoughtofhimwakingupearlyandgoingtothestoretogetcreamerformycoffee.
“Didyougetanysleep?”heasked.
“Alittle.”
Henodded.“Yeah,Ididn’tgetmucheither.”
Istaredatwheremyfingerscurledaroundthemug,andtherealizationthathealsoknewjusthowIlikedmycoffee—morecreamerthananythingelse—mademewanttosmileasmuchasitmademewanttocurlupinaballandsob.
“IwishIcouldcrawlinsideyourmindrightnow,”hesaidsoftly.
Iletoutabreathofalaugh.“It’snotaprettyplace.”
Leowatchedmeforamomentlongerbeforehesethiscuponthebedsidetable,takingminenextanddoingthesame.Hewrappedmyhandsupinhis,thewarmthofhisskindefrostingmyicydigits.
“I’vethoughtofamillionthingsIwanttosaytoyou,”hesaid.“ButIfeellikenoneofitisenough.”
Istayedquiet,lettinghimworkthroughthefoginhisheadthatIknewhadtofeelasthickandheavyasmine.Justthefactthathewasheregavememorehopethanitshouldhave.Iwantedtocursemyselfforbeingstupid,forbelievinghim,butthenIrealizedthatwasthepartofmethatconvincedmyselfLeowasthispig-headedassholeforthelastsevenyears.
NowthatIknewthetruth,itfeltliketryingtountangleawebsothickandstickyitlatchedontomysouleverytimeItriedtosiftthroughit.
Hiseyesskatedbackandforthbetweenmine.“IwishIcouldtellyouwhatyoumeanttomebackthenwithoutsoundinglikeacompletepsychopath.”
Ichuckled.“Hey,Iheldagrudgeagainstyouforsevenyears.Ithinkit’smewho’sthecrazyone.”
“Ihaven’tfeltforanygirlthewayIfeltforyou.”
Hiswordssimmeredlikewarmhoneyinmyveins,butIlaughedthemoff,lookingdownatwherehishandsintertwinedwithmine.“Ohyeah,noneofthehundredorso?”
“I’mserious,”hesaidearnestly,andhedippedhisheaduntilImethisgazeagain.“I…Ican’tbelieveIhurtyou.”
Ihadtolookawayagainatthat.
“AllthistimeIthought…”
Hedidn’tfinishthesentence,andwhenIlookedupathimagain,hewaswatchingwherehisthumbdrewalineonmywrist,hisbrowfurrowed,adeeplineetchedintohisforehead.
“HowdoIprovetoyouthatI’vechanged?”Leoliftedhiseyesbacktomine.“ThatI’mmorethanwhatyouthinkIam,whatIusedtobe.”
Myhearttwisted,theforcesopowerfulIsquirmedbeneathit.
WhenIthoughtbackoverthepastfewmonthsinthishousewithLeo,Icouldn’tthinkofasinglethingIwantedhimtochange.HiskindnesswasmorethanIdeserved,evenwhenItriednottoseeitortoconvincemyselfitwasallforshow.Iwantedsodesperatelytobelievehewasthisawfulhumanbeing…andI’dsuccessfullyconvincedmyselfofitforsolong.
Butnow,toknowthetruth…
Isuckedinabreath,desperatetolightenthemood,tobringbacktheeasewithwhichweusedtoteaseeachother.
“Oh,Idon’tknow.Iguessyoucanstartwithtattooingmynameonyourchest,”Ijoked.
ButwhenIlookedatLeoagain,hisfacewasdeadserious.
“Okay.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh,shovinghimawayplayfully.“Iwaskidding.”
“I’mnot.”
“You’renotgettingatattooofmyname.”
“Idon’tcarewhatitis.Inkmewithwhateveryouwant.”
Ilickedmybottomlipinamusement,foldingmyarmsovermychest.“Doyouhaveanytattoos?”
“Notone.”
“Yourealizethey’repermanent?”
“Yep.”
“Andthattheyhurt?”
Hesuckedhisteethatthat.“Comeon,now—Igetthrowntothegroundandpummeledbythree-hundred-pounddefensivelinemenonaregularbasis.”
Ichewedtheinsideofmycheek,watchinghimforasignthathewasbluffing—butfoundnothing.
“You’rereallyserious.”
“Ireallyam.Comeon,”hesaid,standingandholdinghishandoutformine.“Let’sdoit.”
“Now?”
“Rightnow.”
Ibarelygotanotherlaughoutbeforehewashaulingmeupoutofbed.Leo
EveryounceofcockinessIhaddrainedoutofmethesecondtheneedlebuzzedacrossmysternum.
Maryhadstartedwhatevershewasinkingintomyfleshonmyupperchest,andwhileithadstung,itwasmanageable—analmostpleasant,littlebiteofpainthathadmefeelinglikeIcouldsitinthischairalldaywithoutsomuchasalittlesquirm.
Now,itfeltlikeshehadavibratingknifeinherhandsandwasdraggingitthroughtheskinandbone,guttingmelikeafish.
IhissedinanotherbreaththatIhelduntilshetookalittlebreaktodragthefoldedpapertowelinherhandsovermyskin,andIsworethathurtalmostasbadlyasthetattooitself.Myfleshfeltraw,almostlikeIhadafreshsunburnandshewasrubbingsandpaperoverit.
“You’resuchababy,”shesaidonalaugh,andtheeasywayherlipscurledtoldmeshewasenjoyingseeingmeinpain.
NotthatIblamedher.
“Itfeelslikeyou’rescrapingthebone.”
Shelaughedagain,butIwastoobusyholdingmybreathtojoinherasshestartedinagain.“Justdon’tfocusonit.Talktome,tellmeastoryorsomething.”
“Youexpectmetoformsentencesrightnow?”
Igrittedmyteeth,andthenletallthetensiongowhensheremovedtheneedleforabreakagain.
WhenIwasn’twrithinginpain,IwasmemorizingeverythingaboutthewayMarylookedinthismoment.Herhairwaspiledinamessybunontopofherhead,eyesstillalittleredandunderlinedindarkcirclesfromournighttogether.Ilikedseeingproofthatithappenedonherface,thatitwasn’tadream.Ilikedevenmorethatshewasmarkingmepermanently,thatshewasrealandIwasabouttohaveproofofherexistenceforever.
Herhandswerecoveredbyblackgloves,andI’dwatchedwithfascinationasshegoteverythingsetupforus—fromthestencilItoldherIdidn’twanttoseeasshetransferreditfromthepapertomyskin,tosanitizingtheneedlesandsettingupherstationbeforeshepowereduphergunandgottowork.
Shewasinherelement,anditwasacompletelynewsideofher.
I’dseenhersarcasticshieldsheworesoeffortlessly,heardherslingteasinginsultswithease.Butinthisshop,sheheldherselfdifferently—chinhigh,shouldersrelaxed—calmandconfidentinawayonlysomeonetrulycomfortablewiththemselvesandwhattheydocanbe.
Inside,shemighthavebeenanervousfuckingwreckforallIknew.
Butfrommyperspective,shewasapro.
There’dbeenalittletensionwhenwefirstwalkedintotheshop—especiallywhenNerohadseenmestepintohisspace.ButIdidn’tgiveashitabouthimorwhateverhadtranspiredbetweenusthenightbefore.NowthatIhadmychancetofightforMary,Iwaswillingtoputeverythingontheline—includingmypride.
Onourwayover,she’dexplainedtomehowmuchthatupsether—thewayIactedtowardNeroatthebar.Inhereyes,itwasn’tmestandinguptoacreepforher.Itwashercareerinjeopardy,herreputationontheline.
That,Iunderstood.
So,I’dwalkedrightovertohimandapologized,shakinghishandandexplainingthatIwasoutofline.Itdidn’tmatterthatIstillwantedtorammyfistrightintohisfuckingnose,orthatIstillfeltlikethepositionheputMaryinwasfucked.Thisplace,andthereforethesepeople,wereimportanttoher.SoI’drespecthimandkeepmymouthshut.
Fornow,atleast.
AnytimeIlookedovertowhereNerohadhisownclient,Icaughthimwatchingus.IwassureMarywouldseeitonlyasatattooartistwatchinghisapprenticeandmakingsureshedidn’tfuckup.
Iknewbetter.
Theneedlevibratingmychestagainmademegritmyteeth.“Youtalk,”Imanaged.“Distractme.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetotalkabout?”sheaskedcalmly,smilingabitasshewipedthemixtureofinkandbloodawayfrommyskin.Whenshesmiledlikethat,soeffortlessly,ittuggedonastringtiedtothedeepestpartofmygut.
HowdidInotknowitwasher?
Thethoughthadplayedonrepeatinmymindallnightandallday,too.Irackedmybrainmercilessly,rummagingthroughitinmydesperateattempttorememberthatday,torememberher.ButIcouldn’t—notmorethanIhadlastnight,anyway.
Itwassocruel,howherlifehadplummetedthatdaybecauseofme,andIhadn’tevennoticed.Andmylifehadshifted,too,butitwasbecauseIlosther.Ilostherbymyownfuckinghand.
Thinkingofhowmyteamhadtreatedherafter,howIhadbeensobrokenIhadn’tevennoticed…
AndevenifIdidbackthen,Ididn’tcare.Icouldn’tcareaboutanythingoranyoneotherthanthegirlonlinewho’dleftmelikeaghostinthenight.
Itwasallsogut-wrenching,itmadeithardtothinkstraight.
Inhalingabreathbacktothepresent,ItriedtolookdownatwhatMarywascarvingintome,butshecovereditwithherhand.
“Nopeeking!”
Ichuckled,lettingmyheadfallbackagainstthechairagain.“Yourusername,”Isaid.“Octostigma.Whatthehelldoesitmean?”
Hersmilebloomed.“InancientGreek,stigmaisthewordfortattoo.”
“Noshit?”
Shenodded.“Kindoffitting,consideringtheoverallviewoftattoosoverthecenturies.”Shedippedthetipofherneedleintoacapfilledwithblackink,whichshe’dexplainedtomewasawayofreloadingtheink,beforeshestartedagain.
“Andtheoctopart?”
“Ijustthinkoctopusarecoolasshit.”
Ismiled.“Explainswhyyoudrawsomanyofthem.”
“Well,theyexpelink,soobviouslythatattractedmetothem,”sheexplained.“Dreamsofbeingatattooartistandall.Butthey’realsosuperfuckingintelligent.Andtwothirdsoftheirneuronsareintheirfuckingarms—andtheyarearmsbytheway,nottentacles.”
Iheldmyhandupinmocksurrender.“I’llnevermakethemistakeagain.”
Hereyestwinkledabitasshesmiledandcontinuedworking,andIhadtoadmit,listeningtohertalkwashelpingmenottofocussomuchonthepain.
“Theyhavethreehearts,whichIthoughtwasprettyrad.ButIthinktheconnectionIreallymadewaswiththefactthatwiththreeorganspumpingbloodintothem,andeightarmsthatessentiallyallhaveamindoftheirown—theymustfeelpulledinsomanydifferentdirections,youknow?Likethey’remadeupoftoomuchtobeconfinedintoonelittlebeing.”
Shepaused,wipingmyskin,hereyesfloatinguptomine.
“Icouldrelatetothat,feelinglikeeightpeopleatonce,especiallyatthattimeinmylife.”
“Andso,youwereOctostigma.”
Shesmiledinconfirmation,sittingbackinherchairandcrackingherneck.“Wanttotakealittlebreak?”
“Nah,I’mgood.Keeponwiththetorture.”
Maryrolledhereyes,butthendippedtheneedleagainbeforeresumingherpositionoverme.
Iletmygazedragovereverycentimeterofherface,notinghowshehadalinebetweenherbrowsfromconcentrating.Everythingelsewassmooth,though,andserene.
Again,Isearchedandsearched,waitingforsomesortofrecognitiontohitme,formystupidbraintopiecethegirltattooingmenowwiththeonewhobaredhersoultomewhenIwasadumbteenager.Iwaitedforittohitme,formetosuddenlyseethatyounggirl’sface,howherhairwasstyled,whatnotebooksheheld,thedrawing,anyofit.
ButIcouldn’tplaceher.
Icouldn’trememberanythingspecificaboutthatday,aboutthatmomentthathadseemedsoinsignificanttome,buthadmeanteverythingtoMary.
Well,thatwasalie.
Irememberedthatday,butnotforthesamereason.Mylifeshiftedlaterthatevening,whenIloggedonandMaryimmediatelyblockedme,whenIcalledherandshedidn’tanswer,whenallofmytextswentunanswered.
InevernoticedhowmyfriendsreactedtothegirlwhoshowedmehernotebookbecauseIwastoobusyobsessingoverthegirlwhowipedmeoutherlifeforseeminglynoreason.
TherealityofitallmademewantatimemachinesobadlyI’dkillforone.
“Stoplookingatmelikethat,”Marysaid,bringingmebacktothepresent.
“LikeI’ddevouryouifyousaidtheword?”
Thegunpausedovermyskin,andshewentwhitebeforehereyesshottomine.“What?”
“That’swhatyousaidtome,”Iremindedher.“Whenyouweredrunkoffyourassduringthepreseasongame.”
“No,”shesaid,pullingawayandcoveringhermouthwithonehand.Hereyesdoubledinsize.“No,pleasetellmeyou’rekidding.”
“Nope,”Isaidwithavictorioussmile.“Tobefair,yourassessmentwasspoton.”Iletmyeyestrailablazeoverherskin,fromwhereherownsternumtattoomettheswellsofherbreastsdowntowhereherhipsmadeadeliciousheartshapefromherwaist.
WhenIslidmygazebackup,herfacewasflushed,butshedippedtheneedleininkandtookpositionagain.Thepainhadebbedabit,almostlikemybodyhadadjustedtotheinvasion.
“Well,thatembarrassingtidbitaside,Imeantthewayyouwerelookingatmejustnow.”Shepeekedupatmeonlyasecondbeforehereyeswerebackonwhereshewasworking.“LikeIremindyouofeverythingyouregret.”
Iswalloweddowntheurgetotellherthatwaspartlytrue.
“So,backtothedevouringlook,then?”Iasked,archingabrow.
Shesmiledandshookherhead,focusingonthetattooandnotsayinganotherword.
IttookfivehourstotalforMarytoleavehermark,andwhenshefinished,shewipedawaytheexcessinkandbloodwithaproudsmileonherlips.Shelookedalittletired,butinthewayonlyanartistcouldbeaftercompletinganothermasterpiece,likesheleftalittlebitofhersoulinme.
Ilovedthethoughtofthat,thatnomatterwhathappenednext,she’dalwaysexistinmeinsomeway.
“Okay,”shesaid,sittingbackandadmiringthepiece.“Readytoseeit?”
Carefully,Iswungmyselfoffthetable,followinghertothefull-lengthmirrorattachedtothewallnearherstation.Sheblockedmyviewofmyself,turningaroundtofacemeandbitingherlipashereyesscannedwhereshe’djustinkedme.
“Ihopeyoudon’thateit,”shesaid,andheractualconcernmadeitswaythroughthejokeshetriedtohideitwith.
“Stepaside,Stig,”Isaid,grabbingherbythearmsandshufflingheroutoftheway.Ididn’tmissthewayhercheeksreddenedatthenickname,howhersmilebloomedwithit,too.ButwhenIsawmyselfinthemirror,myfocusshiftedentirelytotheinkonmychest.
Everymuscleinmyfacewentslack,awestrikingmelikealightningbolt.
“Holyshit,Mary.”
Theskinwasstillabitredandangryfrombeingstabbedamilliontimesoverthelastfivehours,butunderneaththeslightswellingwasthemostbadassoctopustattooI’deverseen.
Thedarkinkoftheoutlinewascleanandprecise,buttheshadingofthehead,ofeachtentacle,ofthelittlesuckersandthetexturedskin—thatwaswhatstoletheshow.Iwouldneversayitoutloud,butitwasfarbetterthanwhatI’dexpected.
ItwasthekindoftattooI’dpresumetogetfromanartistwhohadbeenpracticingfordecades,notonewhodidn’tevenofficiallyhaveherownchairyet.
Iliftedmyfingerstotracetheink,butsheslappedmyhandaway.
“Donotputyourgrimyhandsonmyfreshtattoo,”shesaid.“It’llgetinfected.Ineedtoputasecondskinonit,butIwantedyoutoseeitfirst.”
IshookmyheadasItookineverydetailinthemirror,steppingevencloser.Itwasn’tsmall,butitwasn’tgiganticeither.Theheadsatrightinthemiddleofmysternum,withthearmsstretchingoutovermypecsanddowntotouchthetopofmyabdomen.
“Addingtoyourlistofregrets?”Maryaskedfromwhereshestoodbehindme
Myeyesfoundhersinthemirror,andIswallowed.Emotiongrippedmythroatinatightvise.
“It’sperfect,”Isaid.
Thecornerofhermouthlifted,butthenshelookeddownatherhands,shrugging.“Ihaven’tdoneachestpiecebefore.ThesternumwasalittleharderthanIthought,andtheshape—”
“It’sperfect,”Isaidagain,andthistimeIturnedtofaceher,andwithoutasecondthoughtaboutwhowasaroundusorthefactthatIshouldn’thavefeltcomfortableenoughtodoit,Islidmyhandsuptoframeherface,tiltinghereyestomeetmine.“Iknowyou’vebeenworriedaboutyourstyle,butIcantellyouconfidentlythatyouhavenothingtoworryabout.Becausethistattooissick.It’sbadass.Fuckingincredible.Maravilloso,”Isaidashereyestearedupabit.“AndIloveit.”
Avictorioussmilefoundherthen.“Really?”
“Really.ButIhopeyourealizewhatyou’vedone,becausenowIwantyoutomarkeverylastinchofmyskin.”
Shelaughedatthat,pullingoutofmygripandwalkingbacktoherstationtostartcleaningup.“Tattoosareaddicting.”
Butasshecleanedmypieceandcovereditwithasecondskin,givingmealltheaftercareinstructions,Iwatchedherwiththetruthvibratingthroughmychest.
Itwasherwhowastheaddiction.Mary
Aftergrabbingaquickbitetoeat,LeoandIdraggedourassesbacktoThePit.Theexhaustionfromthenightbeforecombinedwiththeadrenalinecrashfromtattooinghadmeyawningeverytwoseconds,andonelookatLeowhenwekickedourshoesoffatthedoortoldmehefeltthesame.
Itwasquietinthehouse,andIcheckedthetimeonmyphone.“Alittleearlyforeveryonetobeasleepalready.”
“Tomorrowisourfirstrealpracticewiththedepthchartset,”Leoremindedme.“Coachwillstartkickingourassesatthecrackofdawn.”
“Guessthatmeansyoushouldgetsomesleep,too.”
“Shouldn’tbeanissue,”hesaidaroundayawn.
“Doyouwantthebedtonight?Ifeelsoawfulthatyou’restillonthe—”
Leocutmywordsoffwitharollofhiseyesbeforehereachedout,snaggedmywristinhishand,andtuggedmeintohim.
“I’mfine,Stig,”hesaidwithasmirkaimeddownatme.“AndIlikehavingyouinmybed.”
Chillseruptedfromwherehisbreathwhisperedalongmylipsallthewaydownmyspine.
Hisbodypressedagainstmine,hisholdonmesocomfortableandconfident,likehe’ddoneitamilliontimes,likeIbelongednowhereifnotinhisarms.
Iswallowedwhenhebrushedmyhairoutofmyeyes,tuckingitbehindoneear
“IsitokaythatIcallyouthat?”
Myheartskippedabeatbeforepickingupdoubletime.AllIcoulddowasnod,becauseallmyawarenesswaszeroedinonwhereoneofhishandsheldmywaist,theothercradlingmyjaw.
Suddenly,Iwasn’ttiredanymore.
IwatchedasLeo’sthroatbobbedwithathickswallow,likehejustrealizedhowclosewewere,too.Heslowlyslidhishandbehindmyneck,pullingmeintohimforahug.
“Thankyoufortonight,”hesaidsoftly.
Iclosedmyeyes,inhalinghisscentasmyfingerscurledinthefabricofhist-shirt.Icouldn’tbesurehowlongwestoodtherelikethat,butIknewwhenhefinallyputspacebetweenus,IfeltsodizzyIhadtobraceahandonthewalltokeepfromfalling.
“Well,”Isaid.“Goodnight,then.”
Leoshovedhishandsinhispockets.“Goodnight.”
Iclimbedthestairsinadaze,somehowmanagingtobrushmyteethandwashmyfacebeforestrippingoutofmyclothesandthrowingonthelargestt-shirtIowned.Icrawledintobed,readyforexhaustiontotakemeunder,butassoonasmyheadhitthepillowandthedistinctsmellofLeosurroundedme,everycellinmybodybuzzedtolifeagain.
Adeepinhaleofhimhadmyeyesclosing,andIcurledupinthesheetsonlytohuffandthrowthemoffmeinthenextbreath.Mynipplespeakedunderthecoolair,addingtomyalready-over-sensitizednervoussystemasIstaredupattheceiling.
“Gotobed,”Itoldmyself,likesayingitoutloudwouldgivemetherestraintIneeded.
Butitdidn’t.
Instead,mybreathingintensified,eyesracingoverthelinesoftheceilingfanaboveme.Hewasn’teventhereanymoreandIcouldfeelhishandsonme,feelthewayhesurroundedmewhenhepulledmeintohim,howhesighedintomyhairlikeholdingmewasallheeverwanted.
Icouldseehiseyes,thewaytheyheatedwhentheytookinmydresslastnight,howtheydraggedovermesoslowlymyskinburnedwitheverycentimeterofthatstare.
Icouldhearhim,allaroundme—hislaugh,thestiffbreathheheldwhenIwaspressedagainsthim,thedeepbaritoneofhisvoicewhenheverifiedwhatIfelttobetrueattheshop—thathewantedme.
Allofme.
HeknewwhoIwasnow.Heknewmepastandpresent,thegirlhehurtandthewomanwhogrewstrongdespitehim.
Ipressedahandtowheremyheartthumpedloudlyundermyribcage,waitingforgoodsensetofindmeandgivemesomereasonwhyIcouldn’thaveLeo,whyIshouldn’tlethimhaveme.
Butthatvoicehadquieted.
Inolongerheardthegirlofmypastscreaminginpain,nolongerfeltherconstantreminderofwhathe’ddonetome.Asofterversionhadmovedin,onearmedwiththetruthaboutthatday,abouteverythingthathadhappenedsince.
Andnow,allIcouldthinkaboutwasthepastcoupleofmonths,aboutlatenightswithhimandtheguys,videogamesandparties,himcookingforme,thecandles,therooftop,thejacket,lastnightatthebar,todayatthetattooshop.
He’dofferedmeaplacetostaywhenIhadnowheretogo.
He’dgivenuphisbedformewithoutthinkingtwice.
MyheartkickedsohardIsatupright.
Becausenow,theoneoverwhelmingthingIfeltwasthatIwantedhiminthatbedwithme.
Ididn’tletmyselfoverthinkit,didn’tconsiderhowitmighthurtinthemorning.Ithrewtherestofthecoversoffmeandscrambledoutofbed,allbuttrippingovermybarefeetasIlungedforthedoor.Iyankeditopensofasttheairblewmyhairback.
AndthenIfroze,becauseLeostoodwaitingontheotherside.
Hisjawwasahardline,themuscleofittickingundertheskinashestoodperfectlystill.Allhehadonwasapairofblacksweatpants,andmyeyestrailedthehillsandvalleysofhistanabdomenbeforetheysnaggedonthefreshinkmarkinghischest.
Myink.
Myart.
Mine
ThewordechoedinsidemethelongerIstoodthere,handstillwrappedaroundthedoorknob.Leo’shandswereballedathissides,likehe’dbeenrestraininghimselftokeepfromknocking.Hiseyesflickedbetweenminewithraggedbreathsleavinghischestlikehewasinabsoluteagony.
Theentireuniverseteeteredprecariouslyinthatmoment,thestarsandplanetsstallingasifonewrongmovefromanyofthemwouldalterdestiny’splan.
Slowly—soachinglyslowlythatmychestseizedwiththepressureofwatchingit—Leoliftedhishand.Hestretcheditout,towardme,hiseyesfollowingthemovementuntilhisfingersfoundmyt-shirt.Hecaughtitrightabovemyhips,andwebothstoppedbreathingwiththatonesingulartouch.
Then,hetwistedhisfistinthefabricandpulledmeintohim,catchingmeaswecollidedinakissthatshatteredtime.
Itwaslikeafirstbreathandalastallatonce,howwebothinhaledtogether,ourlipsmeldingwithafirm,deliciouspressurethatsentheatallthewaydowntomytoes.Mychestloosenedwithreliefallwhilemyheartsurgedandswelledandcamealive.
Hewaseverywhere.
Hishandsranroughlyupthelengthofme,adeepgroanvibratingmylipsashetracedeverycurveuntilheheldmyfaceinhisgrip.Ifeltthatgroanlikemyownheartbeat,hisbodypressingintomine,backingmeuponeheatedkissatatimeuntilwewereinhisroomandhekickedthedoorshutbehindus.
Backbackback,hepushedandinvadeduntilmyspinehitawallandhecouldproperlysurroundme,cagingmeinasifI’deverwanttoescapenow.
SomanytimesI’dimaginedwhatitwouldfeelliketokisshim,tofeelwantradiatingoffhimandknowitwasforme.Notjustwhenwewereyounger,buthereinthishouse,whenIfeltthattensionsotightbetweenusthatonelong-lastinglookcouldhavesnappedit.
NowIknewthatnothingIcouldhavedreamedupwouldhaveevercomparedtoreality.
“Youhaveconsumedmeformonths,”Leobreathedagainstmyneck,maneuveringmyheadsohecouldkissalongthecolumnofmythroatbeforeworkinghiswaybacktomymouth.“Paraa?os.”Abruisingkisspunctuatedthatanguishedconfessionbeforehepressedhisforeheadtomine,ourbreathshotandfranticbetweenus.“Icouldn’tsleeponemorenightwithoutmakingyoumine.”
Iwhimperedatthewords,atthewayhesealedthemwithanotherpunishingkissthatjoltedmetothecore.Histhumbsheldmyjawsteady,fingerscurlingaroundthebackofmyneckpossessivelyandholdingmetohimashecoaxedmymouthopenandswepthistongueinside.
Anothermoan,anotherjolt—thistimehotterandwetterandpoolingbetweenmythighs.Isqueezedthemtogether,asifthatcouldbringrelief,asifIcoulddoanythingtosparemybodyormyheartfromthehurricanethatwasLeoHernandezashecrashedupontheshoresofmysoul.
“Youcouldn’teither,couldyou?”heasked,nippingmybottomlip.“Youwerecomingtofindme.”
“Yes,”Ibreathed.
“Tellmeyouwantthis,too,”hebegged,andforamoment,heheldmestill,eyessearchingmine.“Tellmeyouneedme.”
Mychestroseandfellintimewithhis,everybreathlouderandhotterthantheonebeforeit.Withmyeyesonhis,Iwrappedmyhandaroundhiswrist,guidinghimawayfromwhereheheldmyface.Idraggedhishandovermycollarbone,overmychest,overtheswellsofmybreasts,savoringthegroanheletloosewhenhisthumbbrushedoverthemetalpiercingmyrightnipple.Down,down,down,hispalmsurveyingmyhipsandassuntilIswipedhishandupandundermyt-shirtandguidedhimwhereIneededhimmost.
“Ithinkthisspeakslouderthanwords,”Isaid,liningmyfingersbehindhisasIpressedhimtomycore,slickingbothofuswithjusthowbadlyIwantedhim.
“FuckingChrist,”hecursed,andthenhewaskissingmeagain,pushingmesohardagainstthewallwithhisbodythatIfeltpressureeverywhere.Butnoneofitcomparedtowherehespreadmylegswiderwithhisthigh,skatingonedigitthroughmywetnessbeforedippingthetipofhisfingerinsideme.
Igasped,archingintohim,andhevisiblyshookatthecontact,buryinghisfaceinmyneckashetoyedwithmyentrancebeforepressingjustalittlemoreinside.
“Sweet,perfectfuckingpussy,”hepraised.“Wetandreadyforme.Ishouldjustturnyouaroundandfuckyouagainstthiswallrightnow.I’dslideinsideyousoeasy,fillyoutothefuckingbrim.”
“Yes,”Isaid,thewordabreathandaplea.
Leosmiledagainstmylips,butthenhishandwithdrew,andIshudderedattheloss.
“No,”Iwhined.
“IfyouthinkI’mgoingtofuckyouwithoutworshippingthisperfectfuckingbodyfirst,youdon’tknowmeatall.”
“Fucknow.Worshiplater,”Imanagedbeforewrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck.Iclimbedintohisarms,surprisedthatheliftedmesoeasily,thatheheldmelikeIdidn’tweighmorethanhedid.
Heheldmesturdywithonearmwrappedaroundme,andithadpulledupmyt-shirtjustenoughtoexposethebottomhalfofmyass.Leo’slipscurledupagainasherearedbackandlaidhispalmagainsttheexposedskinwithaslap
“I’veplayedbyyourrulesallsummer,”hegrowled.“Tonight—youplaybymine.”
Ididn’thaveanargumentleftinmewhenhetossedmebackintohisbed,thescentofhiminvadingmeonceagain.Butthistime,itwasn’tjustthesheets.Itwashishandsbracingeithersideofmyhead,histricepsflexingundermyfingernails,hishipspressingintomymiddle,thighsspreadingmyownforhimashesettledbetweenthem.
“Tevestanbonitaenmicama,”hesaid,eyesrakingoverwheremyhairsplayedoutoverthepillow.“Youlooksofuckingprettyinmybed.”
Then,heleanedbackonhisknees,grabbedmyt-shirtinafistagain,andpulledmeupuntilhecouldpeelthefabricupandovermyhead.Hetosseditsomewherebehindhimandthenwrappedhishandaroundmyneck,gentlyguidingmedownuntilIwassplayednakedinthesheetsunderhim.
Hesqueezed,justalittle,enoughtomakemytoescurlbeforehedraggedhispalmflatdownmyneck,sternum,stomach,andjustthetopofwhereIachedforhimbeforehesatbackonhisheelsagain.Heshookhishead,lickinghisbottomlipbeforehepinneditbetweenhisteeth,lettinghiseyesseareveryinchofmyexposedskin
Instinctively,mykneesfoldedintowardeachother,andIwasontracktocovermystomachwhenLeocaughtmywrists.
“Oh,hellno,”hesaid,shakinghishead.“Fuckno.You’vebeenteasingmeformonthsinthoselittleboyshorts,wearingnobra,givingmejustenoughtodrivemefuckinginsane.”
Hemovedmyhandsuntiltheywereabovemyhead,thensatbackagain,gentlypressinghisfingertipsagainsttheinsidesofmykneesuntilIhadnochoicebuttospread.
“Opentheselegswideforme,baby.”Hepushedandpusheduntilmyhipshittheirmaximum,untilIwascompletelyathisdisposal.“Letmeseemygirl.”
Hiswordswerelikelittleprodsofelectricity,sofilthyandyetsohotIcouldn’thelpbutsquirmwithneedbeneathhim.
Iwatchedhimsmirkashetookineveryinchofmybody,andIdidn’tfeelself-consciousthen,didn’tfeellikeIwastooheavyorcurvyortoomuchinanyway.Ifeltlikeagoddess,likeaprizehe’dwoninthefightofhislife,likehecoulddonothingbutsitthereandrakehiseyesovermeandbeperfectlycontentforlife.
Hiseyessnaggedonmybreasts,andhegroaned,bendinguntilhewasleaningovermeagain.“Thesefuckingtits,”heswore,balancingononepalmwhiletheothercuppedmyrightbreast.“Tanperfecta.”
Hetestedtheweightofit,anothergrowlofappreciationathowitwouldn’tallfitinhishand.Hecircledmynipplewithhisthumbbeforeflickingitovertherosegoldbarthatspikedit,andhedidn’tknowhowthatmetalwaslikehavinganexposednerve,thattheslightesttouchfeltlikeawaterfallofpleasure.
Ibuckedmyhips,archingintohistouchwithamoanofecstasy.
“Mmm,sothat’sthespot,huh?”Leomused,andhegentlyrolledthemetalbetweenhisfingersasIwhimperedagain.“Let’saddalittleheat,shallwe?”
Heloweredhimself,eyescastupatmeuntilthemomenthecoveredtheswellwithhistongue,runningithotandflatupandoverandaroundwhereIwantedhimmostbeforefinallydelivering.Whenhedid,heswirledthetipofhistonguearoundthemetal,andIhearditlightlyclickagainsthisteethbeforehesuckedandgavemethewarm,wetpressuretopushmeclosertotheedge.
Ilovedmyclittobeplayedwithasmuchasthenextgirl,butforme,ithadalwaysbeenaboutmytits.AndthewayLeoworshippedthem,thewayhepalmedandmassagedonewhilehismouthdevouredtheother,itwaslikehavingavibratorheldontheperfectspot.AddthefactthatitwasLeoFuckingHernandezwhowasbringingmethoselittleshocksofpleasure,andIwasagoner.
“More,”Ipleaded,andmyhipswrithedbeneathhimasIthrewmyheadbackandfocusedonwherehismouthsuckedmynipple.“Soclose.”
Hestoppedimmediately.
Icouldn’thelptheinvoluntaryshudderthatrippedthroughme,orthewayIcriedout,reachingforhim.ButLeocaughtmywristsagain.Hekissedeachpalmbeforeslidingmyhandsintohishair.
“Notyet.”
Icouldhavecriedifitweren’tforthefactthathestartedkissingmeagain—first,mylips,thenablazingtrailallthewaydowntomyhips.Hesuckedandnippedattheskinfromhipbonetohipbonebeforepressingafeather-lightkisstomyclit,thecoolmetalofhischainsjustbarelybrushingagainstthehot,sensitiveskinashesettledbetweenmylegs.
Ishiveredagain.“Youarethefuckingworst.”
“Hatemeagain?”heteased,andthemotherfuckerlickedmyclitsosubtly,justaquicklashingofhistonguethatitdidnothingbutcoolmyalready-sensitivebud.
“Somuch.”
“Thatso?”heasked,andthistimeheranhistonguealongmyentrance,upandovermyclit,lickingeverywherebutwhereIwantedhimto.
“Leo,”Ibegged,squirming.
“Fuck,Iloveitwhenyousaymynamelikethat.”Herewardedmewithabriefsuckofmyclitthatmademylegsquakearoundhim.“WhenIletyoucome,that’sallIwanttohear.”
“Youdon’townme,”Isaid,tryingtoscoffevenasIwrithedbeneathhim.
“Oh,butIdo,cari?o,”hesaid,andhiseyesstayedlockedonmineasheswepthistongueupthelengthofme.“Andyouownme,too.”
Thosewerethewordsdancinginmyheadatadizzyingspeedasheloweredhismouth,contrastingthebriefconnectionhe’dgivenmebeforewithanall-encompassingsweepofownership.Hecoveredmewithhiswetheat,lappingandlickingandsuckingallwhilehishandswrappedaroundmythighsandheldmeinplacesoIcouldn’tmoveaway,sotherewasnobreak,norelieffromthesensuoustorture.
Asexpertashistonguewaswhereheworkedme,thatwasn’twhatdrovemetotheedge.Itwaslookingdownathisheadburiedbetweenmylegs,watchingthefervorwithwhichhedeliveredeachpleasurablelashofhistongue.Heatemypussylikeitwasagoddamnprivilege,anditwasthatvisionthatmademepeak.
“Ohhhh,fuck,Leo,”Icried,andeachwordwaslongandmelodiclikeIwassinginghimafuckingsong,writinganantheminhishonor.Itwasalltheaffirmationheneededtoreachonehandupandfindmybreast,andheheldtheweightofitwhilehisfingersrolledaroundmypiercing.
Icombusted.
Ididn’tcomeinthecute,show-worthywaypornstarsdo.No,Iflewapartatthehinges,legsviolentlyshakingandbodytwistinginthesheetslikethatorgasmwasanexorcism.Itburnedmefromtheinsideout,andIcriedoutLeo’snameoverandoverandoveruntileverylastwavehadpassedthroughmeandIwasbone-heavyandlimp.
Ididn’trealizehowhardIwasbreathingorhowfastmyheartwasracinguntilIcamecrashingbacktoearth,andIranahandovermyslickforeheadandintomyhair,shakingmyhead.
“Holyshit.”
Leochuckledagainstmycore,kissingmethereonelasttimebeforehecrawledhiswayup.Whenhetookmymouthwithhis,Itastedmyselfonhim,andIlituplikeafuckingChristmastreeatthefact.
“Thatwassomething,”hemurmuredagainstmylips.
Iflushed,buryingmyheadinhisneck,buthetiltedmychinwithhisknucklesuntilIhadnochoicebuttolookupathim.
“Don’thide.Thatwasfuckinghot,Stig.”
Irolledmylipstogetherasanotherblushheatedmyskin.Then,Idraggedanaildownhischest,carefullyavoidinghisfreshink,andlovingthewayhebrokeoutinchillsatmytouch.Idrewthatlineovereachswellofhishardabdomenbeforetuckingmyfingertipinthebandofhispants.
“Iwanttheseoff.”
Atthat,hesmirked,climbingoffmeandstandingbythebed.HekepthiseyesonwhereIwasstillsatedandspreadoutinthesheetsasheslowlystrippedhissweatsoffandkickedthemawayoncetheywerearoundhisankles.
Isatuprightwithwideeyes,myjawdamnnearhittingthefloor.
Becausestrainingagainsttheblackfabricofhisbriefswasathick,massivelengththatIwasalmostcertainmypussycouldnothandle.
I’dseentheoutlineofhimthroughhissweatpantsandshortsaroundthehouse.Iknewhewaspacking,butIthoughtitwasinthenormalway,inthethat’sanicedickkindofway.
Iwasnotexpectingafuckinganacondaunderthosepants.
Hiscocktwitchedalittleundermystare,andmypussyflutteredasifthebitchcouldactuallytakethatbeast.
“Mary?”Leoasked.
Iblinked,draggingmygazeuptohis.“Mm?”
Hesmirked,andIknewhewasreadingrightthroughmeinthatmoment.Butheonlyheldhischinabithigher,bitingthecornerofhisliplikemyorgasmhadonlybeentheappetizer.
“Comehere,”hesaid.“Iwantyouonyourknees.”Leo
Marywastoofuckingprettyasshecrawledoutofthesheets,hercuntstilldrippingforme,breastsswollenandpinkfrommyhandsandmouth.Herhairwasamess,andIdidn’tmisshowwidehereyesstillwereasshestrolledovertome,catchingmygazebeforeshedroppedtoherknees.
Fuckme.
Thatsightalonewasenoughtomakemebust.
Shelookedupatme,everycurveofhercatchingthesoftraysfromthelightoutsideherwindow.Itslippedthroughtheblindsinlittleslatsofgold,paintingherinstripesofshadowandlight.
Iarchedabrow,andwithoutanothercue,sheturnedherfocustomybriefs,slidingherwarmfingertipsintothebandsbeforedraggingthemdownmyhips.Theycaughtonmyass,onmyerection,andsheyankedharder,pullingthefabrictomyanklesasmycocksprangforward.
I’dseenthelookbeforewhenagirlsawmylengthforthefirsttime.Insomeways,Ifoundittobeacurse.I’dhadgirlswalkout,orotherswhowouldtrybutwecouldn’tevergetpastthemtakingthefirsthalfofme.Guysalwaysslungjokesaboutmassivecocks,butfewknewtheburdenofactuallyhavingone.
ButwatchingMaryasshetookmein,herworryfaded,andherlipscurvedupinanticipationlikeIwasachallengeshecouldn’twaittoproveshecouldhandle.
Shelickedherlips,reachingouttotakemycockinherfist.Igroanedatthefirstcontact,atthefeelofherhandwrappedaroundmeasmycockjerkedfromthetouch.IwassofuckinggoneafterhearingherscreammynamethatIwastwopumpsawayfromcoming.IttookeveryounceoffocusandcontrolIhadnotto.
“Iwon’tbeabletotakeyouallthewayinmymouth,”shesaid,lookingupatmethroughherlasheslikeshewasashamedofthatfact.
Ifsheonlyknewthatthosewordsandthisviewofhertitsundermycockwereenoughtomakemeblowwithoutsomuchasalick.
“You’reincontrol,”Isaidinstead,andIslidonehandintoherhair,guidinghermouthtome.
Sheopened,swirlinghertongueovermytipandcoatingmeinhersalivaasIgroanedandletmyheadfallback.Itwassofuckinggood,sofuckingsweetafterwonderingwhatitwouldbelikeforsolong.
Ilookedbackdownthroughheavylidsjustintimetowatchherdive,stretchinghermouthopenaswideasshecouldandstickinghertongueout,too.Shetookjustunderhalfofmeinbeforeshechoked,andIhissedatthefeeling,thesound,theviewofherhairtwistedinmyfistandmycockinhermouth.
“Useyourhands,”Icoached,andsheobeyedlikethegoodgirlshewas,wrappingonehandaroundmeunderhermouthbeforetheothercameupandcoveredtherestofme.Foramoment,Iwascompletelywrappedinherwarmth,andIsavoredthatbriefstillnessbeforeIsaid,“Now,slickyourhandsandusethemwithyourmouth.”
Again,shedidexactlyasIsaid,hereyesfloatinguptomeetmineasshepulledmycockoutofhermouth.Sherolledherhandsupandoverwhereshe’dbeensuckingme,wettingherpalmsbeforeshedraggedthemdownmylengthagain.
“Oh,fuck,”Igroaned.“Justlikethat.”
Ilovedhowmuchshepreenedunderthatpraise,howshetookmeinhermouthagainwithevenmoreeagerness.Shesealedherhandstogetherandthattophandtohermouth,andthensheworkedthemintimetogether,pumpingandtwistingandsuckinginaperfectrhythmthatmademeseestars.
Mytoescurled,spineburningwiththeneedtorelease.Myballswerealreadysotight,andoneglancedownather,onemillisecondwatchinghertitsbounceassheworkedmehadmereadytopulloutofhermouthandpaintherwitheverylastdropofmyrelease.
Againsteveryurgeinmybody,Ipulledherhair,pulledheroffme,andslowlyhelpedherstand.Ihissedwhenshefullyreleasedme,andthenlaughedatherpoutyliponceshestoodinfrontofmeagain.
“Notyet.”
Igrabbedherhandinmineanddraggedherbacktothebed.Crawlinginfirst,IsituatedmyselfsoIwasseatedagainsttheheadboard,andthenIpulledherontoptostraddlemylap.ItwasalltherestraintIhadlefttopauseamomentandreachinmybedsidetabledrawerforaMagnum.Isliditovermylength,takingmytimesinceMarywaswatchingthemovementwithherlipspartedlikemycockwastheprettiestthingshe’deverseen.
“Comehere,”Isaidwhenitwasaffixed,andIgrabbedherhipsinmyhands,squeezingthesoftnessthereandliftingheruntilshewasbalancedonherknees.Shebracedherhandsonmyshouldersandloweredjustaninch,mycrownliningupatherentrance.
Then,Itookabreath,andloosenedmygriponherhips,lettinghertakecontrol.
Ifshewasgoingtotrytotakemeallthewayin,sheneededtomoveatherownpace.
“It’syours,baby,”Itoldher.“Takeit.”
Shebitherliponamoan,rollingherhipsuntilIfitintoherseam.Shesankjustaninchandwebothshook,moaning,hereyesflutteringshutwhileIkeptmineopenandfixedonwhereshewastakingme.
“Leo,”shebreathedwhenshesankdownalittlemore,andmynameonherlipshadmedesperatetofeelher.
Ileanedforward,grabbingherandpullingherintomeforakiss.Iwrappedmyarmsfullyaroundher,holdinghertighttomeasIflexedmyhipsjustmarginally,enoughtoslideabitfartherin.Shewasstillfuckingsoakedfromme,butwhenshehissed,IknewIwasstretchingheropen.
Myforeheadhithers,andIbitbackagroanasshelowereddownabitmore.Whenshewinced,though,Icuppedherfaceandmadeherlookatme.
“Wecanstop.”
“Fuckyou,”shesaid,andasiftoproveapoint,sheliftedontoherkneesanddroppeddownevenlower.
Iwasthree-fourthsofthewayinnow,andthewayshedughernailsintomyshouldersassheliftedanddroppedbackdown,againandagain,slickingmewithherdesireasshestretchedherselfopenforme—itwasecstasy.
“Youfeelsofuckinggood,”Itoldher,movingmyhandstogripherass.“Iwanttofillyou.Iwantyoutositthissweetassallthewaydown.”
Shewhimpered,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneckandkissingmehard.Upanddown,herassbouncedinmyhandsassherodeme,slowandsmooth,takinginjustacentimetermoreeachtime.
Then,onabreath,shetuckedherpelvis,shiftingtotheperfectpositiontoletmeallthewayin.
“Ohfuck,”shecried.“Fuck,God,Leo.”
Eachwordwasasipofairaswebothstayedperfectlystill,heradjustingtothefeelofmewhilemycockthrobbedinsideher.Iheldherthereforalongtime,kissingalongherneck,herjaw,uptosuckthelobeofherearintomyteeth.Itrailedmyfingertipsoverherback,soothingher,patientandwaiting.
Shepressedontoherknees,thecoolhairsweepingovermyslickcock,andthensheslidbackdownagain.Thistime,shetuckedherpelvisasshelowered,takingmeinonefellswoopthatmadeusbothcryout.
“Mierda,Mary,”Ibreathed,mylungsonfireatthesightofherassheliftedanddiditagain.Hertitsbouncedwhenshehitmylap,andIgrabbedthemintwohandfuls,playingwiththosetorturousbarbellsthroughhernipples.
SherelaxedabitwhenIdid,rollingherhipsandgrindingherclitagainstmypelviswithmedeepinside.WhenIrealizedshewasgoingtocomeagain,Itookcontrol,lettingherbraceherselfwhileIslowlyflexedmyhips,workingherfromtheinsidewhilemyfingersplayedwithherpiercingsandshegroundherselfonme.
“Onemore,baby,”Iwhisperedinherear.“Onemoreforme.”
Amixtureofawhineandamoanlefther,likethosewordswerebothpermissionandacommandshedidn’twanttofollow.Buthermovementsbecamemoreerratic,hipsgyrating,andthenshecameinabeautiful,chaoticsymphonyofshakinglimbsandloudmoans,herwallssqueezingaroundme.
Icoveredhermouthwithonehand,mufflingherthebestIcouldbutlovingthenoisestoomuchtosnuffthemoutaltogether.Bynow,iftheotherguyshadheard,they’dheard.Still,Ididn’twantanyoneelsetohearthosesoundsthatwerejustforme.
“OhmyGod,”shepanted,collapsingonme.“Ican’tmove.”
Ichuckled,kissingherhairbeforeIcarefullymaneuveredus.Irolledheroffmeandontoherstomach,andthenIcrawledontopofher,balancingmyselfaboveherasIpositionedmycrownagain.Shewasevenmorewet,andIslidinabiteasier,thoughshetightenedthefartherIpushed.
“I’malmostthere,”Ipromised,andIwithdrewbeforepushinginabitdeeper,savoringhowherfullassrippledwhenIdid.“ButIcanstopif—”
Marysilencedmyofferbybackingherassupandtakingmedeeperinside,herpussywallstighteningaroundmelikeafuckingglove.
“Please,”shebegged,archingsomychestalignedwithherback,andfromaboveher,IcouldwatchhertitspressedagainstthemattressaswellasIcouldseemycockdisappearinsideheragain.“Comeinsideme,Leo.”
MynextcursewasjustabreathasIpickedupthepace.Ididn’tcarethatIhadacondomon,thosewordslitmeupwithpossession,withtheideathatshewantedmetospillinsideher.Balancingononepalm,Isnakedmyotherhandupunderher,squeezingherbreastbeforeIslidituphigherandwrappedmyfingersaroundherthroat.
Shearchedintome,gaspinginpleasure,andIsqueezedabittighter,holdingherstillwhileIflexedandpumpedandtook.
“Goddamnit,Mary,”Igrunted,andthenfirerippedfrommytoesuptomyballs,frommyheaddowntomycock,allthebloodandawarenessrushingtothatoneplace.Ibustedhardenoughtoblackenmyvision,andMary’smoansonlycoaxedmeonmore.EverytimeIthoughtIwasdone,theorgasmwouldkeepcoming,drainingmeinthemostpowerfulclimaxofmyfuckinglife.
“Ho…ly…shit,”IbreathedasIpumped,stillsqueezingherneckuntilIfeltmycumleakingoutofthecondom.
Fuck
Iquicklyrolledoffherandoverontomyback,andMarylookedsurprisedforonlyasecondbeforeshesawmycocktwitching,morecumthanthecondomcouldhandledrippingoutoftheedgesofit.
Shewetherlips,andthenpeeledthecondomoffmeandtookmewithhermouthandhandsagain,suckingmedryasIshookandconvulsedunderher.Itwasalmosttoofuckingmuch,mycockassensitiveasanexposednerve,butIkeptcoming,keptclimaxing,fillinghermouthevenafterthecondom.
WhenIwasfinallyspent,Marysatbackonherheelsandswallowed,smilingatmewickedly.
“Fuckinghell,”Isaidonalaugh,runningmyhandsbackthroughmyhair.
Then,Ireachedforwardandgrabbedmygirl,pullingherintothesheetswithmeandwrappingherup.ShegiggledasIclutchedherinmyarms,throwingalegoverherforgoodmeasure.
“Areyoucagingme,sir?”
“You’redamnfuckingstraight,Iam.”
Shelaughedagain,butthengasped,pressingagainstmesoshecouldlookatmychest.“Yourtattoo!”
“Isfine,”Ifinishedforher.“Imadesurenottorubitorputpressureonit.”
Shetookamomentassessingitforherselfbeforeshebelievedme,andthenshelaidbackinthesheets,hersatedeyesheavywheretheywatchedme.
“Doyouneedfood?”Iasked.
Ithoughtshetriedtolaugh,butsheonlyclosedhereyesonasleepysmile,instead.“Pee,thensleep,”sheanswered.
Iletherpeelherselfoutofbedtocleanup,doingthesamemyself.Iputmybriefsbackonandhelpedherintohert-shirt,andthenweclimbedintobedagain,andIpulledherintome,foldingmyselfaroundherwithherbacktomychestandmylegsslippingintothecurveofhers.
Sheslippedawayquickly,herbreathsturninglongandslow.
AndIkissedthebackofherneckknowingIwasruinedforanyoneelse.Mary
Panicslippedintobedwithmethenextmorning.
Thesheetswereotherwiseempty,soIfeltthearmsofanxietylikeastraitjacketastheywrappedmeuptightandheldmeagainstmywill.
“Oh,God,”Iwhisperedtomyself,handagainstmyheartasIrolledoverandstaredupattheceiling.Itwasn’tevendawnyet,theroomstillcastinacalmdarkness.“Oh,God.”
IsleptwithLeoHernandez.
IsleptwithLeofuckingHernandez.
Islappedmyforehead,shakingmyheadevenasItriedtocalmmyselfdown.It’sfine,Itriedtoconvincemyself.Everythingisfine.
ButIcouldn’tsqueezemyeyesshuthardenoughtoblockouttheabrasivethoughtsastheypunchedmefromeveryangle.
Ifeltlikeafool.
Yes,Leohadseemedgenuineinhisapologies—bothforthepastandthepresent.Andyes,he’dletmetattoohim,markinghimforlife.Also,yes,I’dwantedhim.I’dwantedhiminthisbedwithme,wantedhishandsandmouthalloverme,wantedallofhiminsideme.
ButnowthatIwasaloneintheaftermathofmydecisions,Icouldn’tdrownouttheloudvoiceinsidemesayingitcouldallbealie.
Whatifhedidknowitwasmeallthoseyearsago?Whatifhewasdisgustedwhenhesawme?Whatifhewassoembarrassedheblewmeoffinfrontofhisfriends,butwassoselfishhepretendedlikeitdidn’thappenwhenhetriedtocallmethatnight?Whatifhewantedtohavehiscakeandeatit,too?
AndwhatifheknewitwasmewhenImovedacrossthestreet?WhatifhesawhowI’dchanged,andsohecontinuedplayingdumb,allwhilemakingmehisnextconquest?
HowmanytimeshadIwitnessedhimrelentlesslypursuinganothergirl—whetheritwasacheerleaderorasororitygirlorsomerandompartyingatThePit?
HowwasIsupposedtobelievehimwhenhesaidheneverfeltforanyofthemthewayhefeltformewhenthatwasyearsago?Wewereinhighschool.Weneverevenheldhands,letaloneanythingelsephysical.Andjudgingfromhisperformancelastnight,Iknewhe’dhadplentyofexperience.
Mystomachturnedwiththatthought,eventhoughIhadnorighttofeelanysortofwayconsideringIwasfarfromavirginmyself.
Still,evenasmyanxietywarnedmeawayfromLeo,IfeltapossessivenessoverhimthatIcouldn’tfight.Whywasitsohardtobelievethathe’dhadmeonhismindalltheseyears,ifI’dfeltthesamewayabouthim?
Iwantedtobelievehim.
IwantedtoliveintheworldwhereIwasthesourceofLeoHernandez’sdesire,wherehemeantitwhenhesaidhewantedtomakeituptome,thathewantedmetobehis.
Buthowcouldhe?
Howcouldsomeonewholookedlikehim,whohadtalentlikehehadandafutureinthefuckingNFLwantanythingtodowithme?
IwaswoundsotightthatIjumpedwhenthebedroomdoorcreakedopen,andLeoslippedinside,alreadydressedforpracticewithhisgymbagslungoverhisshoulder.Hedroppeditatthedoorbeforecrossingtheroominthreewidestridesandclimbingintobedwithme.
Itwasabetrayal,thewaymyheartcalmedwhenhewasnear,howmybreathingleveledoutjustatthesightofhim.Whenhisscentsurroundedme,Isighedwithrelief,likehispresencewasgroundingmetotherealityIwantedtobelieve
“DidIwakeyou?”heasked,nuzzlinghisnoseinmyneckashecurledaroundme.
Ishookmyhead,butdidn’tanswer,andIfeltmyselfstiffeninginhisarmsasmyanxiousthoughtscreptbackin.Leonoticedimmediately,frowningasheproppedhimselfuponhiselbowandlookeddownatme.Hisbrowsfurrowedwithonelookatmyface.
“Iwokemyself,”Isaid,justaboveawhisper.
“Youlooklikeyousawaghost.”
Ihatedthatmyeyeswelledwithtears,thatmyskinburnedwiththerestrainttoholdthematbay.Butitwasnouse.OnetearslippedoutofmyeyeanddowntomyearbeforeLeoswipeditawaywithhisthumb.
“Hey,”hesaid,searchingmyeyes.“What’sthatabout?”
Thatonlymademeshakemyheadharder,andIcoveredmyfacewithmyhandssoIwouldn’thavetolookathim,sohecouldn’tlookatmewhileIfellapart.
WhenIdidn’ttakemyhandsaway,hecoveredthemwithhisown.“Talktome,”hepleaded.
MychestwassotightIthoughtI’dburst.
“Leo!Wegottago,man!”Kylecalledfromdownstairs.
Leocursed,butIjustinhaledasteadyingbreathbeforewipingmyfacecleanandpushinghimgently.“Go.Don’tbelateforpractice,I’mfine.”
Hegavemealookthatsaidbullshit
“I’llbefine,”Iamended.
Heshookhishead,sweepingmyhairfrommyface.“Idon’twanttoleaveyoulikethis.”
Foralongmoment,Leo’seyesflickedbetweenmine,theconcerngrowinginhisfeatures.Andwhenhelookedatmelikethat,itmadeitsoeasytobelieveeverywordhe’dsaidwasreal.
“Lastnightwas…”Heswallowed,thumbingmyjaw.“Everything.Itwaseverythingtome,Stig.”
Inodded,leaningintohispalmandclosingmyeyes.Themotionsettwomoretearsfree,andLeoletoutapainedsigh.
“Please,tellmewhat’swrong.”
“Leo!”Thistimeitwasachorusfromourroommates,andIshovedhimmoreforcefullytowardthedoor.
“Go.Wecantalklater.”
Leocursedagainbeforetakingmyhandsinhis.Hekissedeachknucklebeforeleaningdownandpressingalong,promisingkisstomylips.
“Whateverliesyourbrainistellingyou,don’tbelievethem,”hepleaded.Then,withhishandholdingmineuntilhehadnochoicebuttopullaway,hejoggedoutthedooranddownthestairs,grabbinghisbagofftheflooronthewayout.
OnceIheardthefrontdoorshut,myheartwentintodoubletimeagain.
See?Everythingisfine,mybraintriedtoassureme.
No,it’snot,myheartcombatted.
Backandforthlikearagdollinthejawsofapitbull,myemotionstorethroughme,andIhadnochoicebuttolaythereandletthemforwhatfeltlikehours.
ItwasallIcoulddotoeventuallypeelmyselfoutofbed,shower,anddragmyassdownstairstomakecoffee.Icouldn’tstomachthethoughtoffood.AllIcoulddowaswatchtheclockuntilitwasadecenttimelateinthemorning,andthenIimmediatelytextedthegroupchatbetweenme,Julep,Riley,andGiana.
Me:S.O.S.
Lessthanaminutepassedbeforemyphonewasringing,andIansweredthevideocallrequesttofindasleepyJulepstaringbackatme.
“Mary?What’sgoingon?”
“Areyoustillsleeping?”Iasked,checkingthetime.Itwashalfpasteleven.
“Iwasuplateworkingonweddingstuff,andthenIwastoowounduptosleepsoIpoledforawhile,”sheexplained,rubbingthesleepfromhereyesasshesatupmoreinbed.“What’sup,whytheS.O.S.?”
Rileyjoinedthevideochatnext.Herponytailswungbehindherasshewalkedthroughthelockerroomoutintothehallway.Irealizedthenshewasprobablyinthemiddleofpracticeorabouttowatchgamefilm.
Gianacameonlast,andshewasatthestadium,too,inheroffice.Itwasdarkenoughthatthephonescreenreflectedonthelensesofherglasses.
“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Iknowit’saweirdtimeofday,everyone’sbusy.Riley,you’reatpractice.Giana,you’reatwork.”Ishookmyhead.“Justcalllater,I’mfine.”
“Absolutelynot,”Gianasaid,holdinguponethreateningfinger.“IsweartoGod,ifyouhangupthisphone,Iwillbeatyouwithabook.”
IfIwasn’tsoparalyzedbyanxiety,Iwouldhavelaughed.
“Wehavetwentyminutesuntilmeetingsstart,”Rileyadded.“What’sgoingon,Mary?”
“Um…well…”Idroppedmyheadbackagainstthekitchencabinetbehindme.“IsleptwithLeolastnight.”
“What?!”Theysaidthewordalltogether,allatonce,andthenJulepburstintoconfusedlaughterwhileRileyandGianadidvariousversionsofhappydances.
“Iknewit!”Gianasaidwithafistpump.“Youtwolookedlessthanthirtysecondsfromeatingeachotheroutsidethebartheothernight.”
“ThisexplainswhyLeohadamonsterpracticethismorning,”Rileyaddedwithasmirk.“Littleshitheadhasbeenawalkingegoallday.”
“Okay,one,”Julepsaid,holdingupafinger.“IfeellikeIneedsomebackgroundbecauselastIknew,youhatedtheguy.Andtwo,”sheadded.“Whydoyoulookmorelikesomeonewhogotmuggedratherthanrailedlastnight?”
Again,Iwantedtolaugh,butinstead,mylowerlipwobbled.“IwishIknew.Ijust…I’mamess,”Iwhispered,andthencursedwhenIstartedcryingagain.
“Oh,babe,”Julepsaid,andIknewifshewaswithme,she’dhaveonehandpettingmyhairbynow.“Therearealwaysbigemotionsafterthefirsttime.IfreakedoutwhenithappenedwithHolden,too.”
Inoddedbutcouldn’thelpbutfeellikemyfreakoutwasmuchmorewarrantedthanhershadbeen.Sure,Holdenhadbeenofflimitsforher,buttherewasnoquestioneverabouthowhefeltforher.Weallsawitclearasday.
WithLeo,we’dallseenhimthrowhimselfateverygirlwithlonghairandanicerack.
Mystomachsank,andIfelttwosecondsawayfromvomiting.
ThegirlsallgentlyconsoledmeuntilIgotittogether,andthenRileyletoutasigh.“Honestly,I’mreallygladyoucalled.I’mnotinthebestshapeeither.MyagenthasprettymuchconfirmedthatIhavezerochanceofbeingdrafted,soitlookslikethiswillbemylastseasonplayingfootball.”
“I’msosorry,Riles,”Gianasaidsoftly.“I’vebeenoutofit,too.I’minthebiggestbookfunkofmylife.”
Julepsnorted.“Nooffense,G,butIdon’tthinkthatcountsasanactualproblem.”
“Doyouknowwhatitfeelslike?Haveyouevergonethroughaslumpwhenyoucouldn’tpole,whenyoudidn’twanttopole?”
Julepfrownedatthat.“Ihave,actually.It’stheworst.”
“See?!Ihaven’treadmorethanapagesinceIfinishedthatElsieSilvercowboyromancetwoweeksago.”Shepouted.“I’mruined.”
“Wow,soallofusareonthestrugglebus?”Julepaskedwithalaugh.“Iguessitonlytookoneofusadmittingitfortherestofustofollowsuit.”
“What’swrongwithyou?”Iasked.
“Oh,otherthanplanningaweddingonmyownsincemyfiancéisworkingtwenty-four-sevennowthattheseasonhasstarted,andthefactthatIgraduatedfourmonthsagoandstilldon’thaveajob?”Sheshrugged.“Notmuch.”
“Youknowwhatweneed,”Rileysaid.“Agirls’night.”
“No,”Julepsaid.“Notjustanygirls’night.Thegirls’night.”
Riley,Giana,andIfrownedinconfusion,butJulepjustgrinnedandwaggledherbrows.
“Youbitchesdownforanimpromptubacheloretteparty?”Mary
MytexttothegirlshadbeentheequivalentoftheBatSignal.
JuleppackedabagandcaughtthenextflightintoBoston.IpickedherupattheairportjustasRileyandGianawerefinishingupatthestadiumfortheday,andwewereallshockedwhenRileywassoquicktoblowoffherclassthatnightandGianadidn’tshowupatthehotelwithabookinherhand.
Wecheckedintoahotelentirelyoutofmypricerangedowntown,thankstoHoldenandhisbigsigningbonus,andaftersmotheringeachotherinhugsandgettingalldolledup,wepiledintoacabandheadedtoanunknownlocationofJulep’schoosing.
Whenthecabdroppedusoff,westaredupatthesignwithmixedemotions.
“Oh,hellno,”Isaid.
“Hellyes!”Gianacombattedwithasquealandlittleclapsofjoy.HereyeswerethatofakidonChristmasmorning.
Rileywasquiet,butcrossedherarmsoverherchestlikeshewasn’tthrilledwiththeideaeither.
ButonelookatJuleptoldmeweweren’tgettingoutofthis.
“Comeon,babes,”shesaid,linkingherarmsthroughours.“Timetointroduceyoutochrometherapy.”
Iwasstillgroaningasshedraggedusinsidethepolestudio,whichwasmostlydarksaveforsomepartylights.Loud,beat-drivenmusicgreetedus,alongwiththeownerofthestudio,whowaswearingnothingbutablackhigh-risethongandtriangleswimtopalongwithhighheelsthatwereatleasteightinchestall
“WelcometoSpintensity,”shesaidwithawidesmile.Inoticedthenthatshehadsomeimpressiveinkonherthighsandshoulders,andsheseemedtoappraisemewiththesameappreciation.“Ihearwe’recelebratingabridetonight?”
Julepdidalittlespinandacurtsy.“Thatwouldbeme.”
Theinstructorwhistled,lookingJulepupanddown.“Doesyourfuturehusbandrealizehowluckyheis?”
“Ifyousawhim,you’dbesayingI’mtheluckyone,”Julepcombatted.
“Doubtful,”shesaidwithasmile.“I’mJoany.I’llbeyourpartyguidetonight.Itakeitfromthenotesthatyou’reseasoned,”shesaid,pointingatJulepbeforeherfingerdraggedovertherestofus.“Andyouthreearefreshmeat?”
“Thefreshest,”Gianasaidexcitedly,steppingforwardlikeasacrificialvirgin.“Canyouteachmehowtoclimbthepole?!”
Joanylaughed,exchangingalookwithJulepbeforeshewavedusfartherinside.“Wecantry.Butfirst,let’sgetyouthreechangedintosomeshortsandstartwithwalkingaroundthepole.”
Ithoughtshewaskidding,butaftershewalkedusthroughthestudiosetupandweeachstoodbehindourpoleofchoice,thatwasexactlyhowtheclassbegan—bywalking.JoanyandJulepmadeitlookeffortless,ofcourse,bothofthemstruttingsexilyintheirheels.Riley,Giana,andI,ontheotherhand,werebarefootandstilllookedlikeweweretheunstableones.
Itwassoembarrassingitwashilarious,andwealllaughedandteasedeachotherasJoanyattemptedtoshowushowtolooksexierwhilewecircledthechrome.
Whenwemovedontospins,Rileyshockedusall—thankstoherupper-bodystrengthandacorethatshouldhavebeenillegal.Joanywalkedusthroughbeginnerspinswithnamesthatconfusedmeevenmore—Fireman,Goddess,Hollywood—andRileydideachonewithoutmorethanjustasimpledemonstration.
GianaandI,ontheotherhand,werebangingintothepolehardenoughtoleavebruises.
Still,thelaughscameeasy,andthemoreweworkedonspinsandtricksanddancemoveslikebodywavesandtwerks,thelessLeowasonmymind.Soon,Iwascompletelywrappedupintheexperiencewiththegirls,incelebratingwhentheyachievedsomethingandlaughingtogetherwhenweallfailed.
Wewereallsweatyandsorebytheendoftheninety-minutesession,butGianawasdeterminedasshesqueezedtackygripoutofabottleandintoherhands,rubbingthemtogetherwithhereyeslaser-focusedonthebellatthetopofthepole.Apparently,itwasatraditionandanhonortoringitonceyouwereabletoclimbtothetop.
“Okay,soyou’regoingtowanttoreallysqueezeyourkneestogetherandusethepowerinyourthighstohikeyouupthepole,”Joanyexplainedasshedemonstratedclimbing.“Onceyou’veextendedyourlegs,switchyourarmsandnowyourbottomarmbecomesthetopone,andyouusethatupperbodytoliftyourkneestoyourchest,squeeze,andrepeat.”
ShedidacoupleclimbsbeforeslidingbackdownandgesturingforJuleptogonext.Ofcourse,thatbitchclimbedwhilethepolewasspinning,herlonghairflowingbehindherandherbodymovingwithallthefluidgraceofagazelle.Itwasmesmerizingtowatch.
Infuriating,too,becausewhenyouhadafriendthatgorgeousandtalented,itwashardnottohateherjustalittlebit.
Weallclappedwhenshewasontheflooragain,andthenitwasRiley’sturn.Shestruggledabitinthestart,butoncehermusclesunderstoodtheassignment,sherepeatedthemovementJoanyhadshowedusuntilshewasallthewayatthetop.HermovementsweremoreathleticthanJulep’s,whichmadesenseconsideringwhoshewas,buthersmilewasthebiggestI’deverseenherwearwhensherangthebellastherestofuscheeredfrombelow.
Gianawasnext,andthepoorthingcouldbarelypullherchesttothepolewhileherlegsandarmsbothshookwiththeeffortittooktogetherthere.
“It’sokay,ittakesmostgirlsafewclassesbeforetheycanclimbeventhatmuch,”Joanytriedtoencourageher.
Butthatlittlebookwormwasnothingifnotdrivenbyachallenge,andIwatchedhereyesnarrowinconcentrationanddeterminationatJoany’swordsbeforeshehikedherselfalittlehigher.Itwasastruggletheentireway,butshemadeit,hootingandholleringlikeabansheeassherangthebellatthetopbeforeslidingbackdown.
“Alright,myinkedqueen,”Joanysaidtomenext,wavingahandtowardmypole.“Let’sseewhatyougot.”
IwatchedherforasolidsecondbeforeIlaughed,becauseshehadtobejoking.Butshedidn’treturnthejest,andtherestofthegirlswatchedliketheyactuallythoughtIcouldclimbthepole,too.
“You’rekidding,right?”Iasked,pointingatmeandthenthepole.“Youreallythinkmyfatasscangetupthisthing?”
“Hey!”Gianaslappedmyarm.“Don’ttalkaboutmyfriendthatway!”
“Ididn’tsayitwasabadthing,”Idefended,rubbingmyarm.Then,Igrabbedtheamplecurvesatmyhipsandovermystomach,mythighs,myass,givingthemallasqueezeandjiggle.“I’mjustsayingyagirlisthickandthereisn’tanywayinhellI’mgettingtothetopofthispole.”
“Sizedoesn’tmeanshitinthissport,”Joanysaid.“Stickthinorcurvaceousashell,youcandoanythingyousetyourmindto.”
Julepsmackedmyass.“She’sright.Sogoon,gettoclimbing.”
“YouhavealotmorefaithinmyarmsthanIdo,”Imumbled.
“It’snotallarms.Squeezethekneesandengagethethighs,remember?”Rileysaid,andIgaveheralookthatsaidtraitor.Sheonlysmiledsaccharinelybackatme.
Withasigh,IgaveintryingtofightthemonitanddecidedI’dprovemypoint.Ireachedupandwrappedmyhandsaroundthechrome,fixingmyshintothefrontofitlikeJoanyshowedusbeforeIengagedmyshouldersandliftedtheotherleg.Instantly,Islippedbackdowntothefloor.
“Okay,Itried,let’smoveon.”
“Ah,ah,ah,notsofast,”Julepsaid,andsheheldoutthebottleofgripuntilIopenedmypalmandlethersqueezesomeintoit.“Tryagain.”
Mygripwasinfinitelybetterwiththewhitegooshe’dgivenmerubbedintoeachpalm,andthistimewhenIliftedmyleg,Istayedput.Withagrunt,Ipulledmychesttothepole,switchinghandsbeforeItuckedmykneesuptomyelbowsandsqueezedagain.
Ilookeddownattheground,athowfarawayfromitIwas,andsmiled.
Holyshit.
I’mclimbingafuckingpole.
Itriedtogetalittlehigher,butmyarmsgaveout,andIendedupslippingalmostdowntothebottomagain.
Thistime,though,Ididn’tgiveup.
Isetmybrowwithdeterminationandfocusedonthebellmockingmefromthetop.
Iwasgoingtoringthatmotherfucker.
“Go,Mary,go!”GianacheeredwithalittleclapasIreachedupthepoleagain.TherestofthegirlsjoinedinencouragingmeasIclimbed,slowlybutsurely,upandupandup.
SweatrandownmybackanddampenedmyhairthehigherIgot,andeverymuscleinmybodyburned—myshoulders,myback,myarms,mylegs,myfuckinginvisibleabs.Everythinghadtobeengaged,andIhadn’tusedmymusclesthatintenselyeverbeforeinmylife.Sure,yogahaditsdays,butItendedtostayawayfromthepowerflowsandspentmytimeonmymatenjoyinglonger,deeperposes.
Nottonight.
Tonight,IwasshuttingouteveryvoiceinmyheadsayingIcouldn’tdoit,andIwasinchingmyselfhigherandhigherupachromeapparatus.
Thelastbitwasthehardest,andIgrittedthroughthepainandthedesperatepleamybodywasgivingmetostopasIreachedupandgrabbedtheribbontiedtothebell,ringingitlikecrazy.Thegirlswentnutsbelowme,andIlookeddownwithavictorioussmileandasurgeofadrenalinecoursingthroughme.
Isliddownfiremanstyle,andwhenmyfeethitthefloor,Iwasimmediatelywrappedupinagrouphugasthegirlsbouncedaroundme.Welaughedandcheereduntilwewerebreathless,andwhentheypulledawayandhigh-fivedme,everycellinmybodywentfrombuzzingtoabsolutelystill.
Icouldn’texplainwhathappenednext.
OnesecondwewerecelebratingandJoanywaspoppingabottleofchampagneforustotoastouraccomplishments.
Thenext?
Iwassobbing.
Theemotionbubbledupfrommychest,makingeachbreathshorteruntilthefirstcryescapedmylips.Iwasn’tevensurewhatitwasthathadmechokedup.WasitLeoandeverythingfuckingwithmyheadinthatregard?Probably.Butitalsofelt…bigger.More.LikeIhadjustfacedeveryfuckingtraumathathadeverheldmedownandI’drippedeachonetoshreds.
Julephuggedmetight,andwhenshepulledback,sheframedmyarms,hereyesbrightandshiny,too.
“Poletherapy,”shesaid.
Then,sheslidachampagnefluteintomyhand,andwithtearsstilldryingonmycheeks,weclinkedourglassestogetherandproceededtogetabsolutelytanked.Mary
“IsweartoGod,there’snothingbetterthanCheetoswhenyou’redrunk.”
Gianapunctuatedthatstatementbyshovingacompletehandfuloftheorangechipsintohermouth,halfofwhichlandedinherlapandtheflooraroundher.Shecrunchedandgroanedherapprovalwithasmile.
We’dslammedshotsatanightclubuntilweallrealizedwe’dratherbebackatthehotelinourpajamas,whichwaswherewewerecurrently,suckingdownabottleoftequilaanddevouringthevarioussnackswe’dhadbroughtup.
Well,allofusexceptRiley,whochosetostaysoberonlybecauseshedidn’twanttodieatpracticethenextday.GianawasabletogetthedayoffandsowasI,andJulepdidn’tflybacktoCharlotteuntilthefollowingafternoon,butRileycouldn’tescapeCoach’swrathwiththeseasonstartingup,andthereforewasoursoberspiritguide.
“Idon’tknow,Ithinkthispizzawinsmyvote,”Rileyarguedasshetwirledahotpieceofcheesedrippingoffherslicearoundonefingerbeforepoppingitinhermouth.“I’vebeeneatingsocleanallthroughcamp,Iforgotwhatagoodgreasyslicetasteslike.”
“Youlookfuckinginsane,”Julepsaidinthewayofacompliment.“Like,morerippedthanI’veeverseenyou.”
“Well,Iaminsane,”Rileysaid.“BecauseIthoughtifIcouldputonsomeweight,buildmuscle,andlevelupmykicks,I’dhaveashotatthedraft.”Hereyessoftened,losingfocussomewherebeyondhersliceofpizza.“Whatafuckingjoke.”
Shetookabitewhiletherestofusofferedhersympatheticlooksofunderstanding.
“They’reidiots,”Gianasaid.
“Isthereanyotherwayyoucanplay?”Julepasked.“Likeawomen’sleagueorsomething?”
IsmiledabitatJulepofferingasolution,becausethistimelastyear,thatgirlwasawalkingraincloudwithnooptimismorsilverliningtobefound.Holdenhadchangedthat.
“Actually,kindof,”Rileysaidwithashadeofhope.“TheWomen’sFootballAlliance.It’saminorleague,andthepayisn’tgreat,but…theBostonteamisreallygood.They’vealreadyreachedoutwithsomeinterest.”
“See!”Isaid,nudgingherknee.
Rileysmiledonanod.“Yeah.It’scool.It’sjust…”
“YoushouldbeabletoplayintheNFL,”Julepfinishedforher.“Youshouldbeabletoatleasthavethechance.”
Rileyshrugged,butwecouldallfeelheragreementintheair.Itwasatrickysituation.Toplayonafieldfullofmassivegrownmencouldbedangerousforher.Butasakicker,wouldshereallyhavethatmuchcontactanyway?Andshewasn’tjustagoodkicker,shewasthebestoneplayingcollegeballrightnow.
Butbecauseshewasawoman,shedidn’tevenhavethechancetoproveshecouldhandleit.
Icouldn’timagineherfrustration.
“Anyway,how’stheweddingplanning?”RileyaskedJulep.
“It’sgreat,”Julepsaidwithabrightsmileasshepickedupapieceofchocolate.“Ifspendinghoursonseatingchartsandflowerarrangementsisyourcupoftea.”
“Soundsfun!”Gianasaid,whichmadeusallsnort.
“It’sfine,”Julepadded,withoutthesarcasmthistime.“Momhasbeenhelpingalot—whichis…weird,”sheadmitted.“Andalsonice.IjustwishHoldencouldhelp,too.Andhewantsto,butevenridingthebench,theteamgetsninetypercentofhistime.AndI’mhappyforhim.He’slivinghisdream.AndIknowit’sjusttheseasonwherehe’llbelikethis.I’llhavealittlemoreofhistimecomeFebruary.”
“That’swhyyouplannedtheweddingforApril,right?”Rileyasked.
Julepnodded.“Yeah.Andhehelpswhenhecan,buthe’stiredafterpracticeorgames,andlet’sbehonest—whatlittletimewegettogether,we’renotspendingonfillingoutourregistry.”
Gianawaggledherbrowsatthat.
“Doesiteverfreakyouout?”Iasked,tryingnottoprojectmyowninsecuritiesbutfailing.“Himontheroad,allthewomenthrowingthemselvesathimbothinpersonandonline…”
“It’shardsometimes,”Julepadmittedhonestly.“Imean,anywomanwhosaysit’snotislying.Itdoesn’tmatterthatItrusthim,thatIknowhe’dneverdoanythingwithanyoneelse.It’sstillsharing,evenifhe’snotaparticipant.He’spartmine,andparttherestoftheworld’s,too.”
Inodded,athicklumpinmythroatatthefactthatitwouldbethesamewithLeo.Then,Imentallyslappedmyselfforeventhinkingthatfaraheadwhenwe’dliterallyjustslepttogether.ButIcouldn’thelpit.He’dbeensoengrainedinmypast,threadedthroughtheveryfabricofmybeingforsolong…andnow,hewasinmypresent,sayingthingsandtouchingmeinwaysthatmademethinkhewantedme.
Thatwasasexhilaratingasitwasterrifying.
“I’mexcitedforyou,”ItoldJulep.“It’sgoingtobeperfect.Andtagusinifyouneedus.We’reheretohelp.”
Shesmiledheragreement,andaftersuckingashotfromthebottleoftequila,shehandedittome.“Okay.We’vegotthefeelingstunnellubedup.AreyoufinallygoingtotelluswhyyousentanS.O.S.textorarewegoingtohavetoholdyoudownandtickleitoutofyou?”
IwincedasIdrankfromthebottle,eventhoughitwasnicetequila.Wedidn’thavealimetopolishitoffwith,soitburnedeverycentimeteronthewaydown.
“Iwishitwaseasytoexplain.Ifeellikeacrazyperson,”Iadmitted.
“Whydon’tyoujuststarttalkingandseewhatcomesup?”Gianaoffered.
So,Idid.
IhadtofillJulepinonwhyIhadspentthelastsevenyearshatingLeo,sincetheothergirlshadheardthebackstorybeforewewentouttheothernight.Onceshewascaughtup,Iproceededtotellthemaboutthebar,aboutthescenehemadewithNeroandtheblowupthatfollowedwhenIchasedhimoutside.WhenItoldthemaboutthetattoo,theyfreakedoutanddemandedphotos,andthen,Itoldthemaboutwhathappenedwhenwegothome.
Although,Ileftoutallthedetails,becausemyfriendsdidn’tneedtoknowIpeeledaMagnumoffLeo’sgargantuancockandlickedhimclean.
“Andthen,”Isaidwithasigh,pickingatmynails.“Iwokeup,andhewasn’tthere,andIjust…completelyfreakedout.”
“Hewasn’tthere?!Whatthefuck,thatasshole!”Julepraged.
“Well,hewasstillthere,buthewasn’tinbed.He’dhadtogetreadyforpractice,”Iexplained.
“Oh,”shesaid,andthenwasconfused,whichmadesensebecausesowasI.
“It’sjust,Iwokeupandeverythingcrasheddownonme.Ihavebeenhardwiredforyearstohatethisguy.Ihadtheworstimpressionofhim.Butthen,overthelastcoupleofmonths,I’veseentheotherside,thesideIonceknewand…”Ialmostsaidloved,butgrewquietinstead.“I’veseenglimpsesoftheboyIknewbeforeeverythingwenttoshit,”Ilandedon.“And…Idon’tknow.ItmadeithardtorememberwhyIhatedhim,untilhedidsomethingthatremindedme,thenIwasonfirewithangerandthedesiretoshovehimofftheroof.”
Gianasnickered.
“Ifeellikeayo-yostuckinanendlesscycle,”Icontinued.“Andthen,tofindoutthatallthistime,I’dbeenpunishinghim,punishingmyselfforsomethingthatdidn’tevenreallyhappen…atleast,notthewayIimagined.Hedidn’tknowitwasmethatdayherejectedme.”Ipaused.“Butthenagain,itwasstillme.Itdoesn’treallymatterifhedidn’tknowitwasme,thegirlhetalkedtoonline,doesit?Becausehetookonelookatme,thegirlstandinginfrontofhimwithanotebookfullofsketches,andfoundmewanting.”
“So,isthatwhatit’saboutthen?”Rileyasked.“Areyoustillupsetbywhathedidthatday?”
“Yes,”Isaid,thenimmediatelyshookmyhead.“No.Idon’tknow.Iguessthat’spartofit.”Ipaused,thinking,tryingtomakesenseofitall.“IguessI’mjust…scared.”
“Thathe’llhurtyou?”
“Yes,”Iadmittedsoftly.“Whatifheliedandhedidknowitwasme,butthenhesawwhatIgrewintoandmademehisconquest?”
“Leowouldn’tdothat,”Gianasaidearnestly.
“Youdon’tthinkso?Lookatallthegirlswe’vewatchedhimrelentlesslypursue,fromcheerleaderstowatergirls.Butdoesheeverendupwiththem?”Ididn’tgivethemachancetoanswer.“No.Theyfuck,andhemoveson.Imean,youguyssawthearticleoverthesummer.Thetwenty-sevenexesofLeoHernandez.”
Gianalookedlikeshewantedtosaysomething,butbithertongue.
“Idon’twanttobethebuttofanotherjoke,”Itoldthem,voiceshaking.“Ican’tbe.”
ThegirlswerequietforamomentbeforeJulepcrawledovertowhereIsatonthefloor.Shewrappedmeinahug,restingherchinonmyshoulder.
“It’sokaytobescared,”shetoldme.
“Thankyou.”
“Butit’snotokaytopunishLeoforacrimehehasn’tevencommitted.”
IfrownedasJuleppulledbacktolookatme.
“Igetthathehassomegrovelingtodotomakeupforthepast,butitsoundstomelikehe’salltooeagertodothat,ifyoulethim.”
“Itsoundstomelikehe’scrazyaboutyou,”Gianaadded.“Andthatyourbrainistryingtofreakyououtbyholdingfasttowhatitbelievedabouthimforyearsinsteadoflettingtherealityofwhoheisnowshinethrough.”
“Butdopeoplereallychange?CanIreallytrustthat?”Iasked.
“Haveyouchangedsinceyouwerefifteen?”Rileyasked.“IknowIhave.”
Iswallowed,knowingshewasright,thattheyallwere,butmystomachwastoosourtoadmitit.
“Whatifhehurtsmeagain?”Iwhispered.
GianacrawledovertojoinmeandJulep,slidingherhandintomineandsqueezingit.“Butwhatifhelovesyou?”
Myeyesfloodedwithtears,andIsearchedhergazeforasecondbeforealaughburstfrommychest.“Jesus,Giana.Youreallydoreadtoomuchsmut.”
“Nosuchthing.”
Rileycameovertojoininthegrouphug.“Look,attheendoftheday,itdoesn’tmatterwhatwethink.But,forwhatit’sworth,Ithinkhedeservesachance.Iknowwhatit’sliketodenysomeonetheopportunitytoprovethey’regood,thatthey’vechanged…andIregretthattimeIwastedwithmyheelsduginonmyperceptions.Givehimthechancetosurpriseyou.”
Inodded,mycheststilltightevenasabreathofreliefleftit.
BecauseIwantedtogivehimachance.
“MaybeIjustneededtoheary’allsayI’mnotstupidforwantingtotry,thatIwon’tgetmyheartshatteredintheprocess,”Isaid.
“Youmight,”Julepreplied,buthersmilewasonethatsaidthatwasn’twhatshebelievedwouldhappen.“Ifyoudo,we’llbeheretogetyouthroughit.”
RileyandGiananoddedtheiragreement,andIchuckled,wipingmyface.“Youknow,Ineverhadgirlfriendsbeforeyou,”Iadmitted.
“Meeither,”Julepsaid.“Otherthanmysister.”
“Fictionalcharactershavebeenmyonlyfriendsforyears,”Gianaadded.
Rileypokedherthumbintoherchest.“Ihungoutwithmybrotherandhisfriends,that’showmuchIwasterrifiedofmakingmyown.”
“Whatdoesthatsayaboutus?”Iasked.
“Youknowhowtheysayyouhavetowaitfortheone?”Julepasked,loopingusalltogetheragain.“Maybeit’slikethatforus.Wehadtowaitfortherightgirlstobeourbesties.”
“We’resoulmates,”Rileyadded.
Wegroupedinforanotherhug,andthenGianasniffed,andIsoothedherback.“Aw,G,don’tcry.”
“No,I’mnot,”shesaid,leaningbackandwipinghernose.“It’sthebookfunk.”
Iblinked.“Yourbookfunkismakingyournoserun?”
“It’slikehavingtheflu!”shedefended.“Mybodydoesn’tknowhowtofunctionwithoutatleasttwofictionalstoriesplayingoutinmybrainatalltimes.”
Thatmadeusalllaugh,andasJulepandIstartedcleaningupandRileyclimbedintobedtogetasmuchsleepasshecouldbeforepractice,Gianawentintofulldetailaboutthebookthathadcausedherfunk—gettingparticularlydramaticoversomethingaboutacowboyhatrule—andhowshehadtriedeveryknownremedytogetoutofitwithoutsuccess.
Bythetimeweallcrawledintothesheetsandturnedoutthelights,itwasjustpastmidnight.
IrolledoverandsetmyheadonJulep’spillow.“Thankyouforcomingtomyrescue.”
“Always,”shepromised.
“You’regettingmarried,”Isangwithawidegrin,pokingherribsunderthecovers.
Shedidalittlehappydanceandsquealed,thenwebothfellsilent,andminuteslater,shewassoundasleep—alongwithRileyandGiana.
I,ontheotherhand,staredupattheceilingandcounteddowntheminutesuntilmorning.Leo
Beforemyalarmwentoffthenextmorning,Iwoketothefeelofawarm,lushbodywrappingaroundme.
“You’reinmybed,”agroggyvoicewhisperedinmyear.
Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchtensionI’dbeenholdinguntilitallleakedoutofmethesecondIheardher,themomentIfeltheragainstme.
Ismirked,rollingoveruntilIcouldseeMary’ssleepysmileasshebalancedherchinonmychest.Shewascarefultoavoidmyfreshtattoo,hereyesskatingoveritlikeshewasmakingsureIwasfollowinghercareinstructions.
“Yourbed?”Irepeated.
Shenodded,andIchuckled,notfightingheronit.Palicohoppeduponthebedlikeshe’dbeenwaitingforMarytoshow,andwebothsmiledasMaryranherhandalongPalico’sspine,thecatarchingintohertouch.Sheonlystayedforamomentbeforehoppingoffthebedagain—likelybecausesheknewKylewouldbeupanyminute,andwasalwaysfirstinthekitchen.
Whichalsomeanthewasfirsttofeedher.
IsettledmygazebackonMary.Shelookedtiredandalittlesad,hereyesabitred,theskinabitashen.Iwonderedifhernighthadbeenaslongasmine
Yesterdayhadbeenchaotic.Ifeltaliveduringpractice,energizedfrommynightwithMaryandflyinghighonjustthethoughtofseeingheragainattheendoftheday.Butwhenshedidn’tansweranyofmytexts,thathighturnedintoadesperatelow,anditwasallIcoulddotomakeitthroughmyeveningclassesbeforespeedingbacktoThePit.
Onlytofindshewasn’thome.
Therewasanoteonthebed,somethingaboutanimpromptubachelorettepartyforJulep.Andwhilethatalonewasn’tareasontoworry,thewayshe’dbeenthatmorningwhenIleft,howshe’dfoughtbacktears,andhowmytextshadgoneunanswered—thecombinationmademesicktomystomach.
Iwantedtotalktoher,tocallrepeatedlyuntilsheansweredandtoldmewhatwaswrong.ButIknewMaryenoughtoknowthatifshewasaskingforspace,thatwaswhatsheactuallywanted.So,Iwaited.
Andhereshewas,backinbedwithme.
Iswallowed,brushingherhairfromherface.“Howwasit?”
“Ridiculous,”shesaidwithasmile.“Wewenttoapolestudio.”
Iarchedabrow.“Gotanyvideo?Myspankbankcouldusearefresh…”
“You’redisgusting,”shesaidonalaugh,pinchingmyribs.Ijustchuckledandpulledherintome,kissingherforeheadonceshewasrestinginthecrookofmyarm.Weweresilentforamoment,myfingersrunningthroughherhairasherscurledintofistsovermystomach.
“Imissedyou,”Iadmitted.
Herentirebodysoftenedinmyarmsatthat,andsheleanedupagain,hereyessoftunderbentbrows.“I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”
“Forrunning.”
“Isthatwhatthatwas?”
Shesatallthewayup,foldingherlegsunderherandstaringdownatherhandsinherlap.Ipusheduntilmybackwasagainsttheheadboard,soIwassittingupwithher,too.
“I’mfuckingterrified,Leo.”
Hervoicewasawaveringwhisper,andIfeltherwordslikeahundredneedlesthroughmythroat.“Ofme?”Iasked.
Shenodded,andapieceofmedied.
“Iwokeupyesterday,andthefirstthingIthoughtwasthatI’dbeenmadeafoolof.”
Imovedtoholdher.“Mary,I—”
“Letmefinish,”shesaid,holdingupahandtostopmyadvance.“IwasovercomewithpanicthatIhadbeensomekindofconquestforyou,thatyou’dknownwhoIwasallalongandIwasjustanothergame,anothernotchonyourheadboard.”
Ishookmyheadharderwitheverywordshesaid,fightingtheurgetointerruptherandtellhershewaswrong.
“But,”shecontinuedonasigh.“Iknowthat’sjustmyowninsecurity.”
Shewasquietforawhile,andItentativelyreachedovertotakeherhandinmine,tosootheherandletherknowIwasthere,thatIwaslistening.
“You…you’reLeofuckingHernandez,”shesaidonalaugh.Ismiledalittle,too,butitslippedquicklywhenIrealizedshewassayingthatasifitwereacurse.“Youcouldhaveanygirlyouwant,anyfit,hotgirlintheworld.”Sheshookherhead.“Itdoesn’tmakesensethatyou’deverwantme.”
“Areyouinsane?”Icouldn’thelpmyselfthistime.Igrabbedherbytheelbowsandmadeherlookatme.“Youarethemostbeautiful,themostentrancingwomanIhaveeverlaideyeson.Andyou’rewitty,andsmart,andtalented,andcreative,andbrave.”
Shesnorted,shakingherhead.
“Youare,”Itoldher.“Andfuck,Stig,youaresogoddamnsexy.Withouteventrying.You’vedrivenmeoutofmymindsincethemomentyoumovedacrossthestreet.”
“Andnowyou’vehadme,”shesaid,hereyesmeetingminewithadespair.“So,whatmoreisthere?WhatcouldIpossiblyhavetoofferyou?”
Iclosedmyeyesagainstthepainthosewordssentechoingthroughmychest.Withoutaword,ItuggedherwristsuntilshehadnochoicebuttogowhereIledher,whichwasrightintomylap.Ipulledhertostraddleme,lettingmyhandstraceeverycurveofheruntilIheldherfaceinmypalms,herfocusonme.
“IhatemyselfbecauseIknowthatI’mpartofthereasonyoufeelthiswayaboutyourself.”
Shetriedtolookawayfromme,toshakeherhead,butIheldherstill.
“No,it’strueandwebothknowit.Lacagué.Ifuckedup.Anditdoesn’tmatterthatIdidn’tknowitwasyou,thatitwasmygirlIwashurtingthatdayafterpracticeinhighschool.Becauseitwasyou,thegirlIdidn’tknowbutshouldhavewantedto,thegirlwhowasbraveenoughtoapproachmewhenIhadsuchassholefriendsandeveryeyeinschoolonme.”
“Idon’tblameyoufornotgivingmeasecondlook.Iwas—”
“Asbeautifulthenasyouarenow,”Isaidbeforeshecouldfinish.“Itwasmewhowaselidiota.Me.Okay?AndIwillspendeverysecondofeverydayonmykneestomakeituptoyou.”
Marywaggledherbrows.“Onyourknees,hmm?”
Icherishedthatsmile,thatlighteninginhermood,butIwouldn’tletthisgountilIknewI’dmademyselfclear.Islidmyfingersbackintoherhair,mythumbsliningherjawasImethergaze.
“Youwanttoknowwhatyouhavetoofferme?”Iasked.“TodoEverything.Achancetostartover.Achancetobemyself.AchancetohavewhatI’vealwayswanted.Youofferlaughterandadventure,spontaneityandchallenge,life,”Isaid.“Youinfuriateme,”Iaddedwithasmile.“Inthebestpossibleway.Youmakemewanttobebetter,andyoumakememadwiththeneedtotoucheveryinchofyouuntilIcanmapyourbodyoutwithmyeyesclosed.”
Chillsbrokeonherskin,andIpulledhercloser,restingmyforeheadagainsthers.
“I’msorryIhurtyou.I’mso,sofuckingsorry.ButI’mhere.AndIwantyou,Mary,you.Allofyou.Exclusive.Nobullshit,nowonderingwhat’snext,nogames.”Ilookedatheragain.“I’veneverfeltanythingforanyoneelsebutyou—evenwhenIdidn’tknowitwasyouallalong.You’refuckingitforme.”
Shechokedonasob,noddingandleaningintomypalm.
“Thisistherealthing,Stig.Youandme,righthere,rightnow.Iwantit.Iwantus.”
“Iwantus,too.”
ShebarelygotthewordsoutbeforeIwasswallowingthem,savoringthem,devouringeverysyllablebeforemymouthcrasheddownonhers.Iwrappedherinmyembraceasherownarmsthreadedaroundmyneckandheldmetoher,deepeningthekiss.SheheldmetherelikeI’ddisappearifsheopenedhereyes,likethiskisswasourlast.
“I’myours,”Ipromisedher.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”
Shenoddedagainstmykiss,butstillclungtomeasifIwereadream.
Myalarmwentoffonmyphone,andIblindlyfeltforitandshutitoffbeforetossingitacrosstheroom.
“Youneedtogo,”Marytriedtotellme,breakingourkiss.“Youcan’tbelatetopractice.”
“Ihavejustenoughtime.”
“Towhat—getdressed?”
“Tomakeyoucome,”Isaid,grindingmyhipsagainstwhereshewasstraddlingme.ShewhimperedabitasInippedatherbottomlip.“Andthengetdressed.”
Ididn’tgiveherthechancetoarguebeforeIwasslappingherassandhelpingheroffmylap.WhenIhadherstanding,Istrippedherbetweenkisses,sheddingalayerforherandthenme,backandforthuntilwewerebothbare.
“Goddamn,Mary,”Isaidappreciativelywhenshewasnaked,scanningherwithmyeyesandhandsboth.Itookineverycurve,everyinchofsoftness,everypiercingandstretchofinkacrossherskin.
Andnow,itwasmine.
Shewasmine.
Ipulledherintomewithpossessionhummingthrougheveryvein,andshehissedwhenIranahandroughlybetweenherthighs.
“Fuck,”shecursed,lurchingaway.“Damnpolekisses.”
Iblanched.“What?”
“I’m…I’mbruised,fromthestupidpole,”sheexplained,gesturingtoherthighs.Iglanceddown,andwiththesoftlightofdawnstartingtobreakthrough,Icouldseeashadowofthebruiseshewasreferencing.Icouldalsoseeitwasn’ttheonlyoneshehad.
“Damn,baby,”Isaid,frowningasItracedacirclearoundit.IwascarefulnottotouchitasIguidedherbacktothebed,layingherinthesheetsandproppingmyselfbetweenherlegs.Then,Ikissedmywaydown,stoppingwhenIstartednotingthebruisesagain.
Ipressedmylipslightlytothefirstone,andMarymoaned.
“Doesithurt?”
“Alittle,”sheconfessed,butthewayshewrithedundermetoldmeitwasthegoodkindofpain.
Ismirked,runningmypalmflatandwarmoverherstomach,herhip,skatingmyfingersthroughthemazeofbruisesuntiltheyslidupandranthelengthofherwetcenter.
Shearchedintothetouch,andwhenjustthetipofmyfingerdippedinsideher,Ikissedthatbruiseagain,alittleharderthistime.
Iwasrewardedwithanother,loudermoan,herfiststwistinginthesheets.
“Mylittlemasochist,”Iteased,andthenIslidmyfingerallthewayinsideher,bitingdownaroundherbruiseatthesametime.
“Yes,”shebreathed,shudderingundermytouch.
Itwasmaddening,howsexyshewas,howmuchsheturnedmeonwhenshespreadherthighswiderformeandpeereddownatmeovertheswellsofherheavingbreasts.IhatedhowmuchIwasunderherspelljustasmuchasIlovedsurrenderingtoit,likeadyingmantakinghislastbreathbeforelettingtheearthtakehimback.
“You’vegottwominutestofuckmyhandandcomeforme,”Itoldher,curlingasecondfingerinsideher.“Canyoudothatforme?”
“No,”shesaid,panting.
“No?”Irepeatedwithachallenge,workingmyfingersinsideherasIloweredmymouthtoherclit.ShebuckedherhipswhenIsuckedherintomymouth,andthemoansheletouttoldmeshewaslying.
“Imean,Ican,”sheamended,panting.“ButIwantyou.”
Herhandsreachedblindlyformyhips,andthewayshewastuggingatme,Iunderstoodwhatshemeant.Mycocktwitchedattheinvitation.
ButIwantedthismorningtobeabouther
“Youwantme?”Iteasedher,slowlycrawlingmywayupherbodyasIkissedandsuckedandlicked.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Iwantyou,”shesaidagain,andthistimeshewrappedherhandaroundmyshaft,pumpingmeonce,slowandlongandtorturous.
Ifoughtbackmygroan,smilingdownather.“Bespecific.”
Shepaused,narrowinghergaze.“You’resuchapompousprick.”
“Andyet,youstillwantmetofuckyouintothismattress,don’tyou?”
Ilovedhowshereactedinamixtureofangeranddesire,pushingmeawaywithherhandsevenasshechasedmewithhermouth.Herkisswashardandimpatient,andthenshewrappedherlegsaroundmeanddugherheelsintomyass.
“Iwantyourcockinsideme,”shesaidagainstmylips,andIfinallyletmygroanfree,revelinginthefilthywordsastheyrumbledoutofherthroat.IwrappedmyhandaroundthatneckofhersjustsoIcouldfeelthevibrationthenexttimeshespoke.“IwantyouburiedsodeepIfeelyouinmygut.”
“That’smygirl,”Ipraised,andthenIreacheddowntofistmycockanddriveitinsideher.
Iwantedsobadlytoplowallthewayin,butevenaswetasshewas,Istillknewbetter.Ididn’twanttohurther.Withrestraint,Isheathedmyselfaquarterofthewaybeforepullingoutandflexinginagain,justalittledeeper.
“Oh,fuck,yes,Leo,”Marycriedout,digginghernailsintothefleshofmybackasIfoundarhythm,inchingmyselfinsideher.Itwaspurefuckingecstasy,thewayshewrappedaroundmewarmandwetandtight.
That’swhenIrealizedI’dforgottenacondom.
“Shit,”Icursed,butasifshereadmymind,Marydugherheelsindeeper.
“Don’tyoudarestop,”shethreatened,andthenshewrappedherarmsaroundmyneckandtuckedherpelvistotakemedeeper,fuckingmeasbestshecouldonherback.
Hereagernesssentallthebloodinmybodyrushingstraighttomyballs,andbeforeIcouldcome,Ipulledoutofher,pressingmyforeheadtohers.
“Fuck,thiswasnotmyplan.”
“Tofuckmebeforebreakfast?”
“Tocomeafterthreepumpsinsideyou,”Isaid,smackingthesideofherass.“Now,turnaroundandgrabtheheadboardsoIcanrailyouproperly.”
Maryobeyed,lookingbackatmesosweetlywhenshewasbracedthatmychestached.Isidledupbehindher,fistingmycockagainuntilIlineditupwithherentranceandpushedinside.Thistime,shewaswetandstretched,andsoIslammedallthewayin,knockingheragainsttheheadboardanditagainstthewall.
“More,”shebegged.
“Youlovetakingthiscock,don’tyou?”Iasked,lickingbehindherearasIflexeddeeper.“TouchyourselfwhileIfuckyou.Playwiththosesweettits.”
Again,sheobeyed,andsheletoutaferalmoanwhenonehandtwistedhernipplewhiletheotherslidbetweenherlegstorubherclit.Herlegsstartedtremblingwheretheyheldherupright,andItookherweightwithmyhandsonherhips.
Someonecalledmynamefromdownstairs.
“We’rerunningoutoftime,”Itoldher.“Comenoworyouwon’tcomeatall.”
Shemewled,asifI’dactuallyleavewithoutgettingheroffnow.CoachcouldmakemerunlapsallfuckingdayandI’ddosohappilyifIhadthesoundsofMary’sclimaxasasoundtrackreplayinginmyhead.
“Needmore,”shepanted.Itwassexyashell,howsheunabashedlyspreadherlegsandpluckedathernipplewhileshecircledherclit.Hercheekagainsttheheadboardandmyhandsatherhipswereallthatkepthersteadywhileshechasedherorgasm.
Iwasdeepinsideher,andshewastouchingherselfineveryplacethatworkedhertotheedge.Therewasonlyoneplaceempty,andItookarealfuckingriskwhenIwentforitwithoutsomuchasacasualconversationaboutwhetheritwasokayornot.
Slidingonehandfromherhip,Iranapalmoverherass,smackingitsoftlybeforeIsettledmythumbatthetightopeningabovetheoneIwasballs-deepinnow.
“Yes,”shebegged.“Yes.”
Withthatpermission,Islickedmythumbinthewetnessbetweenusbeforegentlypressingintoher.
Ididn’tpushallthewayin,justslippedtheverytipofmythumbintothattightentrance,butitwasenough.Marycriedoutandshooklikeafuckingearthquakeassherodeouteverylastsecondofherclimax.ThesightofhertremblingandbreakingapartformewasallIneededtofindmyownrelease,andassoonasMarycollapsed,Ipulledoutofher,sprayingtheswellsofherassandfillingthedipofherspinewithmycum.BlackinvadedmyvisionasIpumpedmyselfdry,andMaryarchedherassuplikeshewantedtomakesureeverydroplandedonherskin,likeitwaswastedifshecouldn’tfeelit.
“Leo!We’regoingtoleaveyourass!”
ItwasKylewhoscreamedthistime,andIlaughedorgroanedorsomecombinationofthetwoasIcarefullymaneuveredoffthebedandintothebathroom.Irantheshowerhot,thenpeeledmygirloutofthesheetswhereshewasstilllyinglimpwithmyseedslowlydrippingdownherskin.
Ipulledherintotheshower,washingmyselfoffherbeforeIplantedalong,deepkisstoherlips.
“Noshowerforyou?”sheasked,tryingtopullmeinside.
“I’llshoweratthestadium.CoachwillhavemyassifI’mlate.”
“Itriedtotellyou.”
“AndItoldyou,”Isaid,slappingherassandrevelinginthelittleyelpshegaveme.“Iwasn’tleavinguntilyoucame.”
“Youwin.”
“Damnfuckingstraight,Iwin.”
Igrowledthewordsagainsthermouth,andthenshewrappedmeupandheldmetoher,mycockcomingtolifeagainatthethoughtoftakingherinthisshower.
Butthefrontdoorshutdownstairs,andIcursed.
“Youneedtocleanyourtattoo,”Marysaid.
“IpromiseIwill.”
“Imeanit.Ifyoufuckupmywork,I’ll—”
“You’llwhat,exactly?”
Shetriedtopullmeintotheshowerwithher,butIheardthecarfireupoutside,andIreallywasabouttogetleftifIdidn’tgetamoveon.
“Letmego,youinsatiablewoman,”Iteased,kissingMaryonelasttime.“IpromiseI’llcleanitandbeascarefulasIcanatpractice.”
Shebegrudginglyletmego,andIletmyselftakeinthesightofherinthatshowerwiththesteamrisingaroundherbeforeIhurriedlycleanedmyselfupandpulledonmyjoggersandhoodiebeforerunningdownthestairs.TheguyswerealreadybackingoutofthedrivewaywhenIcaughtuptothemandyankedopenthebackdoor,slidinginlikeIwasarobberandtheywerethegetawaycar.
Theyallpinnedmewithannoyedglares,butthenKyleletoutafizzofalaughthatsettherestofthemlaughing,too.
AndIdidn’tcarethattheycrackedjokesthewholeridein,orthatbythetimeIshoweredandmadeitonthefield,Iwasalittlelateandhadtorunlapstomakeupforit.
Ismiledtheentiretime.
Icouldn’twaittogetbackhome.Mary
Ihadneverbeensothankfulforadayoffinmylife.
Betweentheemotionalrollercoasterofyesterday,stayingupallnightdrinkingwiththegirls,andthenLeoravishingmethismorning—Iwasexhausted.I’dbarelymadeitthroughtheshowerbeforeI’dcollapsednakedandstilldampinLeo’sbedandsleptuntilalmostnoon.
Itextedthegirlsanupdate,whichtheyrespondedtowithathousandemojisthatvariedfromeggplantsandwatersplashestohearteyesandweddingbells.Itmademesmile,andthatsmilewaslatchedinplacepermanentlywhenIgotatextfromLeoafterpractice.
Leo:Onlyhadtoruntenlaps.Proceededtohavethebestpracticeofmylifeafterward.
Me:Hmm…soundslikeIshouldbepartofyourtrainingprogram.
Leo:Deepinyou,andthendeepintheendzone?Ilikethesoundofthat.
Ispenttherestofthedaycleaningupthehouse,whichwasanabsolutepigsty.IsweptandmoppedandchangedPalico’slitterboxand,becauseIfeltgenerous,Igrabbedtheguys’laundrywhenIwentdowntodomyown.Otherthanthat,Irelaxedandrested,watchingmoviesanddoodlingtattoooutlinesonmyiPadfromthecouchwhilePalicopurredinalittleballnexttome.
Iwasjustfoldingupthelastloadoflaundrywhentheguysbarreledthroughthedoorlikeapackofwildanimals.
“Mary!”Bradencalled,slinginghisbagontothebaywindowbenchI’djustcleaned.HewrappedmeupinahugandspunmearoundbeforeIcouldyellathim.“We’vemissedyou.”
“Oneofusmorethantherest,”Kyleaddedwithasmirk,tossinghisbagontopofBraden’s.Hepausedatthesightofclothespiledonthecouch.“Wait—didyoudoourlaundry?”
“Someofit,”IsaidwhenBradenputmeonthegroundagain.Ipointedatthebaywindow.“AndIjustcleaned,sotakeyourbagsupstairs,youanimals.”
Blakehadbeenabouttoaddhistothepile,buthepaused,lettingitswingmid-airbeforehepointedatthestairs.“Iwasjusttakingmineup.”
“Uh-huh,”Isaidwithasmile.IturnedbacktowardBradenjustintimetoseehimmouthingmommytoKyleashepointedatme.
Irolledupapairofhisbriefsandpeggedhiminthefacewiththem.
“Wait,areyouofftonight?”Kyleasked,checkingthetimeonhisApplewatch.Itwasjustpasteight.Ididn’tknowtheirfullschedules,butIdidknowthattheytriedtolineuptheirafternoonandeveningclassesasmuchastheycouldsotheycouldallridetogether.
“Iam.”
“Maddentournament?!”Bradenasked,wagglinghisbrows.
“Youguysreallywantanass-whoopingthatbadly,huh?”IteasedasIfoldedthelastofmyshirts.Butthejokesandchallengestheguysrepliedwithwereblurryinthebackground,becauseLeoswungthroughthedoor.
Myentirebodybuzzedtolifeathisnearness,atthesightofhimallroughedupandtiredfromalongday.Hedraggedhimselfinside,wearinghisfullNBUFootballsweatsuit,andIdidn’thidethewayIogledhowthosepantshighlightedaveryspecificpartofhim.Iletmyeyestrailthelengthofhimslowly,takinginhismessyhairandfreshlytanskinandhoneyeyesthatwereglintingwithamusementashetookinthesightofme,too.
Hewasbitingoneofhischainsabsentmindedly,likeitwasjustanormalhabitandnotaninstantreminderformeoftheotherthingshecoulddowiththatmouth.
Asifhesensedthatseeingthatchaininhismouthdidsomethingtome,hegrinned,histonguecatchingthesilverbeforeheletitfalltohischestagain.
Helookedsocozy,likehewasmadetoholdmeonthecouchinthatmoment.Iwantednothingmorethantohavehimwrappedaroundme,tohavehisscentinvadingmybrainandmakingmymindfuzzy.
Butwehadn’ttalkedabouthowwe’dhandlethiswiththeroommates.
Ihesitated,staringathimwhilehehoveredatthedoor.Buthejustkickeditshutbehindhimbeforedroppinghisbagtothegroundandcrossingtheroomtomeinsmooth,unbotheredstrides.HecrookedthatsmileIusedtohatetolovesomuch,andthenhescoopedmeup,pullingmeintohiminawarm,all-encompassinghugthatmademetinglefromheadtotoe.
AheavysighlefthimonceIwasinhisarms,likehe’dbeenwaitingalldayforthismoment,andheheldmetightforabreathbeforehepulledbackandkissedme—notontheforeheadorthecheekoraquickpecktothelips,butapossessive,demandingkissthatIhadnochoicebuttoopenupto.Histongueagainstmyownsentadifferentkindofvibrationhummingthroughme,buthebrokeawaybeforeeitherofuslostcontrol.
“How’smygirl?”heaskedsleepily.
Ismiled,heartskippingabeat.“Betternow.”
Leo’seyessearchedmine,andIlovedhowhappyhelooked,howhappyIfeltinthatmoment.Iwantedtobottleitallup,tostashitawaysomewherewhereIcouldtakeashotwheneverIwantedto.
“DidIhearwe’replayingMadden?”heaskedafterabeat.
“Apparentlytheguyswantanass-kicking.WhoamItodeny?”
“Ihopeyou’renotloopingmeinwiththeguys,becauseit’llbemekickingyourass—nottheotherwayaround.”
“Hetalksabigtalk,butcanhebackitup?”Iteased,tiltingmyheadandtappingmychinwithonefinger.
TherewasadevilishchallengeinLeo’seyesthattoldmeI’dpayforthatcommentlater.
Icouldn’twait.
“Areyougoingtotellheryourbignewsorjustmakeuswatchyoutwomakeoutallnight?”Kylesaid.
IarchedabrowatLeo.“Bignews?”
Hegrinned,buthischeekstingedpink.WasLeoHernandez…blushing?
“You’relookingatNBU’snewCaptain.”
Myjawslackened.“Wait…really?!”
Ididn’teventhinkbeforeIleaptathim,andhecaughtmejustintimeforanotherlong,deepkiss.WhenIpulledback,Islappedhimonthearm.
“Howlonghaveyouknown?Whydidn’tyoutextmeandtellme?”
“BecauseIwantedtoseethisfaceinperson,”hesaid,tappingmynose.
Ishookmyhead,stillsmiling.“Wow.Congratulations,Leo.I’m…I’msohappyforyou.”
Hesomehowstoodeventaller,andthenhepulledmeinforahug,holdingmetight.
“Youcanshowmejusthowhappyyouarelater,”hesaidlowundertheshellofmyear.
Ishivered.
Withasqueezeofmyhip,heskippedupstairstodropoffhisstuffandshower.Blakepassedhimonthewaydown,andwhenImovedallourcleanclothestothediningtablesowecouldhavethecouch,Iturnedtofindthethreeofthemsmirkingatmewiththeirarmsfoldedovertheirchests.
Isighed,wavingmyhandoverthespacebetweenus.“Alright.Goahead.Getallyourjokesoutnow.”
“Who,us?Wewouldnever,”Blakesaid,takingaseatonthecouchandfiringuptheXbox.Palicohoppeduponthearmofit,andhepulledherintohislapwithoutasecondthought.
“No,no,we’rehappyforyou,”Bradenadded,sittinginthearmchair.
Kylewassuspiciouslyquietwhenhefloppeddowninthebeanbag,andItookaseatinthemiddleofthecouchnexttoBlake,savingaspotforLeo.KylehandedmeacontrollerwhileBradensetupthefirstgame,andIactuallythoughtIgotawaywithouttheirsmart-assremarksaboutmeandLeo.
Butthen,Kylestretched,casuallyturningtohisroommates.“Hey,didy’allhearsomesortof…thumpingsoundthismorning?”
“Yeah,cometothinkofit,it’sbeenacouplemorningsnow,”Bradensaid,tappinghischin.“Soundedkindoflikeathump,thump,thumpagainstthewall.”
Mycheeksflamed,butIignoredthem,fightingbackmysmileasIpickedmyteamforthegame.
“Maybeit’saplumbingissue,”Blakeadded,andItonguedmycheek,shakingmyheadandstillignoring.
“Idon’tknow,”Kylesaid.“Mightbeaghost.IcouldhaveswornIheardsomemoansandscreams.”
“MustbehauntingLeo,then,becauseIdefinitelyhearditscreaminghisname,”Blakeadded.
Ifinallysuccumbedtomylaugh,boppingKyleontheheadbeforeIthrewapillowatBlakeandelbowedBradenintheribssincehewasclosest.Theyalllaughed,too,justasLeojoinedusandploppeddownnexttous.
“What’dImiss?”heasked.
“Oh,nothing,”Blakesaid.“JustdebatingwhetherThePitishauntedornot.”
Irolledmyeyes,butmyheartwaslightasabird,thewingsofitflutteringinmychestandmakingitimpossiblenottosmile.
I’dneverfeltmoreathome.Mary
Itsurprisedmehoweasytimeslippedawayafterthat.
Leoandtheguyswerebusierthaneverwiththeseasonstartingup,andIwasworkingattheshopalmosteverynight.NowthatIhadsomeexperience,Nerohadmetakingonthewalk-ins.
Intwoweeks,I’dtattooedeverythingfromtheinsideofbottomlipsandfingerstothetopsoffeetandknees.Ihadaprintoutofmydesignsthatsomepeoplestumbledinandchosefrom,signinglegalpaperworkthatsworetheyweren’tdrunk,andIalsohadveryspecificdesignrequeststhatweremostlyscriptandimagesprintedoffPinterest.Thoseweremyleastfavorite.
MymostfavoriteweretheclientswhofoundmeonInstagramandbookedanappointmentwithme,givingmevagueinstructionsbutallowingmetohavecreativefreedom.
There’donlybeentwosofar,butonehadbeenafive-hourupperbackpiecewhereagirlaroundmyageletmedrawupatreewithstrikingrootsandbranches,alongwithleavesthattestedmyshadingskills.Theotherwasamaninhisfiftieswhowantedhisfirsttattoo—athighpiece—anditwasanodetohisbrothersinthemilitary,aslothinabareatingnachos.Itwasapparentlyaninsidejokewiththem,butIdidn’tcareeitherway.ItwashilariousandchallengingandmademesohappyasIcreatedit,boththesketchbeforehegotthereandtheactualpieceonhisskin.
TheRebelstookontheirfirsthomeopponentonawarmSaturdayafternoon.Ihadsweatrunningdownmybackalongwiththerestofthestudentbody,andforonce,Iwasupsetthatmyfriendsweresosuccessful.IwouldhavegivenanythingtohaveGianaorRileyinthestandswithmeinsteadofonthefield,orforJuleptogiveupherjobhuntandweddingplanningtogetonaflightandcomesitwithme.Butassoonasthecointosswasoverandthegamebegan,Ididn’tcarewhowasinthestands.
AllIcoulddowasfocusonLeo.
Itwasonethingtoseehiminhispracticegear,themeshjerseywiththepaddingunderneath.Itwasanothercompletelytoseehimallsuitedup,wearingthewhitehomeuniformswithcrimsonlettersandnumbersblazingagainstitincontrast.HERNANDEZstretchedacrosshisupperbackinallcaps,thenumberthirteenunderneathit,andthatjerseywastuckedintopantsthatshouldhavebeenillegalforhowtheyhuggedhisass.Iassumedhewaswearingsomesortofprotectionaroundhismanhood,becauseotherwise,thosepantswouldleavenothingtotheimagination.Evenwithwhateverhehadonunderneath,itwasimpossiblenottonoticethegiantbulge.
Itmademeandeveryothergirlinthestandssalivatewhenhejoggedby.
ButasmuchasIlovedcheckinghimout,itwasn’thislooksthatheldmeenrapturedoncethefirstwhistleblew.Itwashistalent.Ihadn’tseenhimplaysincehighschool—hadavoideditatallcosts,actually—buttoseehowfasthewasnow,howmassivehewasasarunningbackwhenmostweresmaller,howhecouldplowthroughdefendersandgivethemstiffarmsliketheywerenothingmorethanlittlekidstryingtoblockhim…itwasbreathtaking.Itfeltliketheequivalentofseeingaleopardinthewild,themusclesandspeedaphenomenonyoucouldn’ttearyoureyesawayfrom.
Theywonthegamebytwenty-fourpoints,andIgotthepleasureofcelebratingwithLeolaterthatnight.
WhenIwasn’tattheshopandLeowasn’tatthestadium,thatwashowwespentourtime—tangledinthesheets.Therewasstillsomuchtotalkabout,somanythingsIwantedtoknowabouthimandthatIwantedhimtoknowaboutme.Butwiththelimitedtimewehadtogether,wewerebothstarvedwheneverwehadthechancetobealone.We’dbarelymakeitthroughpleasantriesbeforewewerestrippingeachother,exploringnewwaystomaketheothercomeunraveled.
ForthefirsttimeinlongerthanIcouldremember,mylifefelt…balanced.Peaceful.Blissful,even.Ididn’tevencarethatMissMargiehadcalledandregretfullytoldmeshedidn’thaveanupdateonwhenIcouldmovebackhome.Itwasthelastthingonmymind,actually.NotevensassycommentsfrommymomwhenIcalledhomecouldwipethesmileoffmyface.
Earlyoneafternoon,IwasparkedinLeo’schairinfrontofmyPlayStationI’dsetupwithhismonitorandminetogether.It’dbeenahecticweekattheshop,soIwastreatingmyselftosomeR&RtimebyplayingCyberpunk2077.I’dalsotreatedmyselftoaten-milligramblueberrygummy,soIwasdeeplyentrancedinthegamewhenLeo’sdoorswungopenandscaredmehalftodeath.
“Fuck!”Icursed,andIspuninmychair,wieldingthecontrollerovermyheadasifthatcouldprotectmeagainstwhoevertheintruderwas.
Fortunately,itwasjustLeo,smirkingatmelikethedevilhimself.
“DidIcatchyoumasturbating?”
Iblewoutabreath,myheartbeatsteadyingout.“No,butyounearlygavemeaheartattack.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Iknewthescheduleprettywellnowthatwewereintotheseason,andnoonewasduehomeuntilafterfivetoday.LeohadhisRehabilitationScienceTechniquesclasstonightandshouldn’tbehomeuntilafternine.
“Myfirstclassgotcanceled,”heanswered,leaningahipagainstthedoorway.“AndIdon’thavetoreporttotheweightroomuntilfour.
Inodded,runningahandbackthroughmyhairandpressingonehandtomychest.Myheartbeatwassettling,untilIlookedbackatLeoandfoundhisgazedarkandhungrycrawlingoverme.He’donceagainhookedoneofhischainsinhismouth,histongueandteethtoyingwithitashefuckedmewithhiseyes.
IlookeddownatwhereIwassittingwithmylegsopeninaveryunladylikestance,wearingnothingbutboyshortsandoneofLeo’st-shirts.
“Ilikewhenyouwearmyclothes,”hesaid,droppinghischainfromhismouthandcrossingtheroomtome.Isawevidenceofexactlyhowmuchhelikeditpressingagainsthisshortsasheranthebackofhisfingersovermyshoulder.
“You’renotworriedaboutmestretchingthemout?”Iasked.
Healmostgrowled,handsclappingdownonthearmsofthechairandcagingmeinashedroppedhismouthtomine.
“Woman,ifyoudon’tstopwiththatshit,”hewarned.“Besides,evenifyoudid,itonlyseemsfair,sincestretchingyououtismyfavoritepastime.”
Thewordsvibratedthroughmebeforehismouthdescended,andIinhaledthekiss,droppingmycontrolleronthedeskandwrappingmyarmsaroundhisnecktopullhimcloser.
ButLeobrokethekiss,evenasIwhined,andgrabbedthecontrolleragain.Hesliditintomyhandsandspunthechairtofacethescreen.
“Play,”hedemanded.“Anddoyourbestnottodie.”
Withthat,hislipscurledup,andhesankontohiskneesbetweenmylegs.
WhenIdidn’tdoanythingotherthanstareathim,Leograbbedthehemofmyboyshortsandyankedthemdownmythighs.Iliftedtohelphim,butoncetheywereoff,hesmackedthesideofmyassthathecouldreachandpointedatthescreen.
“Focus,orIstop.”
ThatwasallthemotivationIneeded.
ButevenasIstartedplaying,myeyesonthescreen,allmyfocuswaszeroedinonwhereLeowaskissingatrailupmythighs.Ispreadthemwiderforhim,sinkingdowninthechairabit,andhesmiledagainstmycenterbeforerunninghistonguelongandhotandflatfrommyentrancetomyclit.
Imoaned,eyesrollingback,thumbsstillingoverthetogglesonthecontroller.Leoteasedmyclitwiththetipofhistongue,andwhenIbuckedagainsthismouth,wantingmore,hepulledcompletelyaway.
“No,”Iwhimpered,peeringdownathimthroughmyheavyeyelids.
“Ifyouwantmetoplay,”hesaid,drawingalinealongmyinnerthigh.“Youhavetokeepplaying.”
God,Ididn’tknowifthiswasmorehotoraggravating.Both,Idecided,asIbeganmovingmycharacteraroundagain.IwasmorefocusedonjustwalkingaroundtheWestbrookDistrictthantakingonanymissionsbecauseIknewI’dfailthemwithLeobetweenmylegs.
IslowlyweavedthroughthestreetstowardmyapartmentinMegabuildingH10.IcouldpretendIwascheckingmystashtherebeforeamission—Leodidn’tneedtoknow.Allheneededtodowaskeepwhatevermagichehadgoingonwithhistongue.
Iranmybikeofftheroadwhenhesuckedmyclitalittleharder,andIwasallbutping-pongingoffthewallsonceImadeittomyapartmentbuildingbecausehe’djustslidonethickfingerinsideme.Hecurledit,hittingthatperfectspotinsidemeasImoanedandsankdeeper,openingwider,needingmore.
“Comeon,baby,”hebreathedagainstmycore,lickingonelong,slowswipeofhistongueintimewithhisfingerinsideme.“Canyoufuckmyfingersandstayalive,too?”
Imoanedagainstthechallenge,hikingonefootuponhisdesksoIcouldopenwiderforhimasheslidanotherfingerinsideme.Myhipsrockedintohistouch,andwhenIglanceddownfromthescreentowatchwherehismessyheadofhairwasburiedbetweenmylegs,Iallbutwhimperedatthesight.
Itwassofuckinghot,tohavethisstrong,powerfulmanonhiskneesjusttopleaseme.
AddinthefactthatIhadaPlayStationcontrollerinmyhandanditwasheavenonearth.
Untilhestoppedagain.
Thistime,hepulledhisfingersallthewayout,sittingbackonhisheelsandwipingmywetnessfromhislips.
“Leo,”Iwhined.
“Youknowtherules.”
“It’simpossible.”
Hegavemealook,andIhuffed,tossinghimthecontroller.HebarelycaughtitbeforeIstoodandgrippedhimbythearm,haulinghimupwithhishelp.
“Ifit’ssoeasy,youtry,”Ichallenged,andthenIstrippedhisshortsandbriefsoffinonefellswoop,hiscockspringingforward,alreadyhardandreadyforme.Ipressedhimdownintothechairwithonehandagainsthischest,andthenIkissedhimhard,trailingmylipsdowneveryridgeofhisabdomenuntilIwasonmykneesandsettledbetweenhislegs.
Ilookedupathimthroughmylashes,findinghimwithawaitinggrinbeforeheturnedhisgazetothescreenandstartedplaying.
Ihadnoideawhathewasdoing,butIlovedthewaytheclickscameslowerasIkissedaroundhisshaft,howhisbreathingintensifiedwhenIrolledmytonguearoundhistiplikealollipop.HegroanedwhenItookjustaninchofhiminmymouth,hisheadfallingback,andIpulledoffhiminstantly.
Hedraggedhisheadbackup,eyesonme,andIjustsmirkedandpointedtothemonitor.
Hereturnedmysmile,takingthechallengeandfocusingonthegameagain.ButwhenIgrabbedhisthickcockwithbothmyhandsandspatonhim,usingmypalmstoslickhimandworkhiminslow,methodicpumps,hegroanedloudenoughtomakethehousecrumble.
“Ifyouwantmetogagonit,payattention,”Itoldhimwhenhelookeddownatme.
Hecursedunderhisbreath,butassoonasheturnedhisgazebacktothescreenandstartedplayingagain,Irewardedhimwithmypromise.PressinguphigherontomykneessoIhadabetterangle,Itookhiminmymouth,slickinghimwithmytongueaninchatatimeandworkinghimintimewithmyhands.Afterafewslickpumps,Idovedown,takinghimasdeepasIcouldandholdinghimthereuntilmygagreflexhadmepullingoff.
“Fuckit,”hesaid,andI’dnosoonerhadhiscockoutofmymouthbeforeIwashikedupandthrownontothebed.
IsmirkedinvictoryasLeomadequickworkofhissneakersandshortsthatwerestillaroundhisankles.Herippedhisshirtoverheadnext,andbeforehecouldreachforme,Istoppedhim,runningafingertipovertheinkstretchingacrosshischest.
Thetattoowashealingnicely,justafewplacesstillscabbingnow.InotedacouplespotswhereIwantedtotouchuponcehewasfullyhealed,butIwasproudofthatoctopus,ofmyfirstbigpieceonhumanskin.
IlovedevenmorethatitwasonLeo.
“Areyoudoneadmiringyourwork?”heasked,grabbingthehemofhisshirt—theoneIwaswearing.“BecauseI’mgrowingimpatient.”
Ibarelynoddedbeforetheshirtwaspeeledovermyhead.Hegroanedhisapprovalatthelackofbraunderneath,hishandpalmingonebreastwhilehismouthclampeddownaroundthepiercingonmyother.
Ihissed,archingintohistouch.Iwasreadytoliebackinthebedandlethimfuckmecross-eyed,buthepulledmeuptostand,instead.Hismouthdevouredmineashewalkedmebackwardtowardthebathroom,blindlyturningontheshowerbeforewebothtumbledinside.
Thewaterwascoldatfirst,andIgaspedagainstit,butthenitranwarm,dampeningourhairandsluicingoverourbodiesinthickrivulets.
Ididn’thavetimetoadjusttoanyofitbeforemybackwaspressedagainstthecoldtile,onelegwashikedup,andLeopressedhiscrowntomyentrance.Itwasstillsoakedfrommysaliva,andonethrustofhishipshadhimhalfwayinsideme,hadmeseeingstarsanddiggingmynailsintohisshoulders.
“Filthyfuckinggirl,”hecursedagainstmyneck,bitingitasheretractedandpushedjustalittlefartherin.“I’mnotgoingtolastwithyousowetforme.”
“Let’sseeifyoucansetarecord,then,”Ichallenged,tuckingmypelvissoItookmoreofhiminsideme.“Howfastcanyoucome,Leo?”
Hegroaned,freehandfistinginmyhairandyankinguntilIhadnochoicebuttolookupattheceiling,toexposemyneckforhim.Hekissedandsuckedtheskinalongmythroatashehikedmyleghigherandslammedintome.Once,twice,threetimes,eachthrustrockingmeharderagainstthewall.Icouldn’tfindgriponanythingbuthim,soIheldontight,ridinghimwithjustthetoesofmystandingfoottosteadymeashefoundhisrelease.
Leoletoutaviciousmoan,pullingoutasherasped,“Knees.”
Itwasacommand,oneIheededwithpleasure,landingonthetileinfrontofhim.Igrewevenwetteratthesightofhimpumpinghiscock,thewaterfromtheshowerheadslidingoverhischestandabdomen,dropletsdrippingfromhishairandoffhisnoseashestareddownatme.
“Open,”hemanaged,andjustbeforehebusted,Iopenedmymouth.
Ropeafterropeofcumraineddownonme,slicingacrossmytitsandneckandface,someofitlandinginmymouthasIsavoredeverylastdrop.Itwassofuckinghotwatchinghisabscontractasheflexedintohishand,andIcouldn’twaitanylonger.Ireachedbetweenmylegsandcircledmyclitashepaintedmewithhisclimax,andIfoundmineeasyenough,moaningandshakingasIfuckedmyownhands.
Leocursed,barelyfinishingbeforehepulledmeuptostand.Iwasmid-orgasm,readytocryatbeinginterrupted,buthehikedmylegupagainandthrustinsideme,sparkingitbacktolife.Then,herubbedmewithhisexpertfingers,kissingmeandswallowingmymoansastheorgasmcaughtlifeagainandrockedthroughme.IshooksohardIcouldn’tstandonmyown,Leopressingmeagainstthewalltoholdme,buthedidn’trelentuntilIwascompletelyspentandsagginginhisarms.
Westayedlikethatforalongtime,pantingandclingingtoeachotheruntilwefoundthestrengthtostandagain.Thewaterhadrunabitcold,soLeoturneditallthewayup,thehottestitwouldgo.Then,hegrabbedmyshampoo,squeezingadollopintohispalmsandrubbingthemtogetherbeforehemademefaceawayfromhim.
Thewaterranhotanddeliciousdownmyback,andthenLeo’slargehandswereinmyhair,massagingmyscalpashewashedit.Imoaned,lettingmyneckrelax,thesensationalmostasgoodastheorgasmthatprecededit.
Andsuddenly,themomentturnedfromferaltosomethingsotenderthattearsstungmyeyes.
Itwassilentbutforthewaterslappingatthetilebyourfeetandourbreathsstilleveningout.Leowashedandrinsedmyhairbeforerepeatingwithconditioner,andthenhelatheredhishandsupwithmybodywash.
Thosehandsstartedatmyshoulders,massagingandkneadinguntiltheytraileddownmybackandovermyarms.Heturnedmegentlythen,hiseyesfindingminethroughthesteamashewashedmyhips,mythighs,andtenderlybetweenmylegs.AndIdidn’thide.Ididn’tpullawayorfoldmyarmsovermyselfordoanythingtoshieldmybodyfromhisview.
Ifeltsafewithhim.
Ifeltwanted.
Heranhispalmsovermybreastsnext,mynippleshardeningunderhistouch.Iglanceddowntofindhiscockhardening,too,buthedidn’tmovehisgazefrommyeyes.
Slowly,hepulledmeintohim,hisforeheadrestingagainstmineashecontinuedhisslowstrokesallovermybody.
Thereweresomanywordsthathungbetweenus,emotionstoostrongforeitherofustolookdirectlyat.Theywereliketheblindingsunoracarcrashorbothatthesametime.
Instead,Leodroppedhismouthtomine,kissingmelonganddeepashishandsworkedmeallover.Whenhepalmedmyassandrubbedthethickswellsthere,hiscocktwitchedagainstmystomach,andIwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandthreadedmyfingersintohishair.
Wekissedforwhatfeltlikeanothereternity.
Then,Iturnedaround,andheslidinsidemeagain,takingmeuntilthewaterturnedcoldandwebothcameagain.Leo
BythetimeOctobersweptthroughBoston,theleavesturningbrightyellowandorangeandtheskiesgrowingmoreandmoregray,IfeltlikeIwasontopoftheworld.
TheRebelswereofftoakillerstarttotheseason—oneweweren’tsurewe’dhaveafterlosingsomeofourbestplayerstograduationlastyear.Butwewere5-0,winningallthreeofourhomegamesandthetwowe’dplayedontheroad.Anotherfightforthechampionshipwaswithinourgrasp,andtheentireteamseemedfocused,tunedin,alertandready.
Myfatherhadsurprisedmeatthestadiumafterourfourthwin,alongwithamannamedLeonardBowden,whowantedtobemyagent,andCoachLee.Iapparentlyhadeyesonmeforthedraft,anditseemedeveryonehadforgottenaboutthelittlearticleaboutmygirlfriendsthatcameoutoverthesummer.I’dbeenassqueakycleanasacollegeathletecouldbe,andIsawitinCoach’seyesasmuchasinmyfather’s.
Theywereproudofme.
Hell,Iwasproudofme,too.Mygradeswereexcellent,IwasperformingthebestIeverhadonthefield,andwhenIwasn’tinschoolorplayingball,IwaswithMary
We’dhadpartiesatThePit,ofcourse—itwastradition,afterall.ButIswore,theentireteamhadtheireyesontheprize,andnoneofusgotoutofline.Infact,mostofthetime,wewerekickingpeopleoutbyonesowecouldgetsleep.
Itfeltalittlelikegrowingup,likeweweregoingthroughourownchangingoftheseasonsjustasfallwashedoverusinallitsglory.
Maryhadbeenjustasbusyastherestofus,herhoursattheshopincreasingnowthatshehadasteadystreamofclients.Iknewitwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeshewasofferedanofficialpositionattheshop.
Ihadmixedfeelingsaboutthat.
Ofcourse,Iwasproudofher—happyforher—butIwasalsostillwaryofNero.Itdidn’tmatterthathe’dseemedprofessionalsincethatnightatthebar.EverytimeIvisitedMary,Ifelthiseyesonme,onher,anditmadethehaironthebackofmyneckstandstraightuplikehewasapredatorandIneededtobepreparedforhimtopounce.
So,Ikeptmyguardup,keptmyeyesonMarytomakesureshewassafe.
Andattheendofeverynight,nomatterhowlateitwas,Maryclimbedintomybed.
God,itwaseasytogetlostinthatgirl.
Wheneverweweretogether,everythingelseslippedaway.Iwascompletelywrappedupinhersmile,herlaugh,hertiredeyes,herwanderinghands,herlushlipsandsoft,invitingbodythatIwassureIcouldnevertireof—nomatterhowmanytimesIhadher.AndIwasinsatiable.Earlyinthemorningbeforepractice,inthemiddleofthedayanychanceIcouldrushoffcampus,lateatnightwhenshecamehomefromtheshop—wheneverIcouldtakeher,Idid.
Itwasneverenough.
OntheSundayafterourwinovertheRhodeIslandTrojans,webothhadthedayoffforthefirsttimeinamonth.Afterwespentthemorningwakingupslowlytogetherandtheafternoonhavingbrunchandplayinggameswiththeroommates,Igaveherinstructionstogetdressedandbereadytogoonadatebysix.
“Adate?”sheasked,onebrowarchingasshewrappedherarmsaroundmywaist.“Wherearewegoing?”
“That’sformetoknowandyoutofindout,”Isaidwithaswatagainstherass.
Sheyelped,bitingherlipagainstasmilebeforeshepresseduponhertoesandkissedme.“HowdressyshouldIget?”
“Wearwhatyouwouldwearonadateinhighschool.”
Thatmadeherblinkinconfusion.“Uh…Ineverwentonadateinhighschool.”
“ThenIguesstheoptionsareendless.”
Ittookmealloftwentyminutestogetready—ashower,shave,deodorant,andpullingonmyfavoritepairofjoggersalongwithanoldhoodiewithourhighschoolfootballteam’slogoonit.
IttookMarytwohours.
Ididn’trushher,justrelaxedonthebedwithPalicoandwatchedassheshoweredanddriedherhair—notbeforeputtingmoreproductsinitthanIowned,though.ShelistenedtoTameImpalaasshemoisturizedherskinanddidhermakeup,dancingandsingingin-betweenapplications.Then,Ididn’teventrytohidemysmileasIwatchedhertryontendifferentoutfitsbeforefinallysettlingonone.She’dgonethrougheverythingfromatightdressandleatherjackettojeansandabodysuit,butshe’dlandedonmyfavoriteofthemall—leggings,anoversizedsweater,andboots.
“Youlookperfect,”Itoldher,lettingmyhandsfloatdowntorestonherhips.Itshouldhavebeenacrime,thewaythoseleggingshuggedherass,andshechuckledandshovedmeawaythelongerIstaredandappreciatedtheview.
“I’mtryingtomatchyourvibe,”shesaid,tuggingonthestringsofmyhoodie.“SinceIhavenoideawherewe’regoing.”
“Onemorething,”Isaid,andthenIduckedintomyclosetandpulledoutmylettermanjacket,drapingitoverhershoulders.
Sherolledhereyes,butitdidn’tstophercheeksfromflushingabeautifulshadeofpink,orherhandsfromclutchingittoherandmakingsureitdidn’tfalloff.Shepulleditsnugaroundhershoulders,andmychesttightenedalmostpainfullyasIstaredather,wonderingifitcouldhavebeenlikethisallthoseyearsagoifIhadn’thadmyheadsofarupmyass.
Iswallowed,snatchingthecarkeysoffmydesk.“Ready?”
OnlyKyleandIhadcars,BradenandBlakeusuallyhitchingaridewithoneofusorcatchingthetraintocampus.Maryhadhercarparkedacrossthestreet.Wehoppedintomine—agiftfrommydadwhenIgraduatedhighschool—andMarykickedhershoesoffassoonaswewerebuckledinandontheroad.Herfeetwereonmydashinthenextmoment,tappingalongtothebeatofNoMeQuierasTantobyJoséLuisRodríguez—oneofmymom’sfavoritesongs.
Icouldn’tswallowdowntheknotinmythroat,notasIsmiledatherorslidmypalmtorestbetweenherthighs.JustthesightofherboppingalongtoasongI’dheardmyentirechildhoodhadmeimaginingthefirsttimeshe’dmeetmymom.IknewMomwouldloveher,knewthey’dgetalongrightoffthebatandprobablybeganginguponmewithinanhour.Icouldpictureitall—themsittingtogetheratmygames,MomteachingMaryhowtomakegazpachoatChristmas—IcouldevenseeDadproudlyshowingherallhistrophiesandawardsinhisbasement,happytoexplainalltherulesoffootballtoherifshewaseverconfusedwhilewatchingmeplay.
Iheldtighttohertheentiredrive,onehandonthewheelandtheotheronher,mythumbgrazinglazilyoverherthigh.Wewerebothquiet,contenttolistentothemusicandjustbetogether,althoughIdidn’tmisshowMarygrewmoreandmoreconfusedwitheveryturn.
WhenIpulledintoourhighschool’sparkinglot—onethathadbeenunlockedjustformebyspecialrequesttomyoldcoachwhoIstillhadagoodrelationshipwith—shelaughed.
“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding,”shesaid,lookingattheoldbrickbuildingandthenbackatme.
Ijustsmiledandcuttheengine,roundingtoopenherdoorbeforeholdingherhandtightinmineandwalkingustowardthefootballfield.
SomanymemoriesfloodedbacktomeassoonasIopenedthegatethatledtothefield.Whenmysneakerstouchedthegrassandthedistinctsmelloffalldrifteduptomynoseonabreeze,Iclosedmyeyesandinhaledit,feelinglikeIwasseventeenagain.SometimesImissedit,thatdramaticandyetsimpletimeinlife.MybiggestworrywasthegameonFridaynights.Iwaslookingforwardtocollege,knowingIstillhadyearsandyearsleftofplayingball.
Now,myfuturewasuncertain.
IshookoffthatthoughtasIheldMary’shandtighterandwalkedherovertothebleachers,climbingupseveralrowsbeforeItookaseatandpulledherdownnexttome.
Thesunhadalreadysetonourdriveover,butthecool,violetlightofduskstillclungtotheclearskyoverthefield.Itwasfreshlypaintedandgroomed,theseasonunderway,andtheonlyreasonthelightsflickedonoverheadwasbecauseI’daskedCoachtodoso
“Ifeellikethisistrespassing,”Marysaid,slidingherarmsinsidemylettermanandcrossingherarmsagainstthechillofthenight.“Areweallowedtobehere?”
“Please,I’mlikeacelebrityatthisschool.”
Sherolledhereyes.“Sotheydidthisjustforyou,huh?”
“Forus.”
“Uh-huh.Icanguaranteeyou,notasingleteacherorfacultymemberremembersmyname.”
Mysmileslipped,gutsinkingwhenIthoughtabouthowdifferentourhighschoolyearshadbeen.Imovedclosertoher,slidingmyhandbetweenherthighsagainandholdingtight.
Foramoment,wejustlookedoutoverthefield,listeningtothesoundsofthecity.Wewereaboutahalfhourfromdowntownnow,thetreesmoreabundantthanbuildings,butitstillhadthefeelofthecity,likeBostonbledrightintoWestonandtheywereone.
“Iusedtobehereeverymorningandafternoon,”Itoldher.“Everyfall.Inthespring,I’ddotrackjustsoIcouldstayonthefieldintheoffseason.Andtheninthesummer,it’dallstartbackoverwithcamp.”
Maryturnedtofaceme,listeningintently.
“Mydadwasinthesestandseverygame.Mom,too.Neversittingtogether,though,”Iaddedwithaweaksmile.“Icanstillclosemyeyesandhearthesoundofthewhistles,thecheersfromthestands,andmydad’svoicebarrelingoverallofit.”
“Icametoagameonce,”Marysaid.“Isatintheverytopbackcorner.”
“Youdid?When?Whatyear?”
Shelookeddownathernails.“Itwastheseasonopenerafterwemet,”shesaid.“Well,wehadn’tmetyet,but…”
Iletoutalongexhale,tiltingherchinwithmyknucklesandpressingasoftkisstoherlips.“I’msorry.”
Shenodded.“Iam,too.”
“Whatthefuckdoyouhavetobesorryfor?”Iaskedwithalaugh.
“Ididn’ttellyouwhoIwas,”shesaidwithashrug.“Imean,inmydramaticteenheadatthetime,IfeltlikeIdid.ButIdidn’treally.Ishutyououtwithoutgivingyouachancetoexplain.IfIwouldhavejustpickedupthephonewhenyoucalledthatnight…”
“Imighthavefuckeditallupevenworse,”Ifinishedforher.“Listen,IhatethinkingabouttheyearsImissedwithyou.Butatthesametime,Iwonderifitallworkedoutthewayitwassupposedto.”
Maryshotabrowup.
“Notthehorriblethingsmyfriendsdidtoyou,”Iamended,wrappinghercoolhandsinmine.“I’dgobackandkickthemallinthedickifIcould.”
Thatmadeherlaugh.
“ButImean…whatifweweren’treadyforeachotheryet?WhatifIneededtogrowupalittle?”Ipaused.“MaybeIdidn’tdeserveyouyetandtheuniverseknewit.Butthen,whenthetimingwasright…itdeliveredyourightacrossthestreet.”
Marycrookedasmile.“LeoHernandez,abelieverinfate?”
“Iffateiswhatbroughtyoutome,I’mnotonlyabeliever—I’maworshiper.”
Sheshookherhead,butleanedintome,herheadonmyshoulder.“IsawaboutadozengirlswearingyournumberontheirshirtsthatnightIcame.”
“AmIapigifIadmitIusedtolovethatshit?”
Shechuckled.“No.Icanonlyimaginewhatitfeltlike.”
“It’snothingcomparedtoseeingyouinthestandsnow.”
“Idon’thaveyourjersey,though,”shesaid,leaningupandbalancingherchinonmyshouldertolookupatme.“Needtochangethat.”
Everythinginmebeamedatthethoughtofherinmyjersey,atjusttheideaofwhatshe’dlooklikewithmynumberonherchest.
“IbroughtyouherebecauseIwantedtosharealittleofmylifebeforeyoucamebackintoit,”Isaid.“IwantedtotellyouwhatwasimportanttomebeforeIfoundyouagain.AndIwantyoutotellmeaboutyou,too.Iwanttoknowhowyouspentyourdays,yournights,howyouendedupinthehouseacrossthestreet,howyoufoundyourwaytotheshop,whatyourparentsarelike,yourbrother.Everything.”
Maryshifteduncomfortably,sittingupwithhereyesonthefield.“Idon’tthinkmystorywillbeaslightasyours.”
“So,letmesitinthedarknesswithyou.”
IwatchedthestarscomeoutinMary’seyesasshetoldmeaboutherlife.Someofitshecameoutwitheasily,likehowherolderbrotherworkedatthefirmwithherdadandhowshefoundNero’sshopwhensheturnedeighteenandcouldfinallygetatattoowithoutaparent’ssignoff.Iwassurprisedtohearshe’dworkedatvariousrestaurantsafterhighschool,spendingmostofhermoneyontattoosuntilshewasreadytomoveoutofherparents’house.Thatwaswhenshegottheapprenticeship.
She’dmovedtothehouseacrossthestreetfromustobeclosertotheshop,anditreallydidfeellikefatetomethatoutofallthehousesinthatpartoftown,shemovedintotheonesoclosetome.
Otherthings,Ihadtopryoutofher,likewhoherfriendswere(towhichshesaidshehadnonereallybeforeJulep)orhowshekeptquietwhensheknewitwasmeacrossthestreet(withgreatrestraintandadesirenottogotojail,she’dansweredwithasarcasticsmile).
Isharedmylifewithher,too—openingupaboutmycomplicatedrelationshipwithmydad,myhighrespectformymom,andmydesireforhertomeetthemboth.ItoldherafewstoriesaboutbeingontheteaminhighschoolandhowexcitedIwaswhenIgotthescholarshiptoNBU,eventhoughmydadhatedit.
“Itwasbecauseofyou,youknow,”Isaidsoftly,fingerstrailingoverherleg.“Iwouldn’thavehadthecouragetochooseNBUifI’dneverhavemetyou.”
“Yes,youwouldhave.”
“No,”Iassuredher.“IwascontenttogotoSouthernAlabama,tobewhatmydadwantedmetobe.ButwhenImetyou,whenIheardyoutalksofearlesslyabouthowyouwentagainstthegrainwithyourparents,howyouweresofearlesslyyourself…itinspiredme.”Iswallowed.“AfterIlostyou,itfeltlikeawaytohonorwhatwehad,tostandupformyselfandchoosetheschoolIwantedtogotoinsteadofbendingtomyfather.”
Marysmiled,herbrowsbendingtogether.“Ilovethat,Leo.”
Isqueezedherthigh.
Withasighthatsoundedlikealaugh,Maryscrunchedhernoselikeshedidn’twanttoadmitwhatshewasaboutto.“Iactuallydidbendtomymom’swillafterwhathappenedbetweenus,though.”
Ibalked.“Dotell.”
“RememberthedealImadewithhertogetResidentEvil?”
Isquintedthroughtheyears,reachingthroughthefilingcabinetofmymindforthememory.Whenithitme,myjawslackened.“No,”Isaidwithasmilesplittingmyface.“Youdidn’t.”
“Oh,butIdid.You’relookingatacertifieddebutante.Iworethewhitepuffydressandeverything.”
“Okay,Idemandaphoto.”
Ihadtoticklehermercilesslybeforeshefinallyrelented,pullingoutherphoneandthumbingtoaphotoofherlookinghorriblyuncomfortableinawhitedressthatcorsetedheratthetopandflaredoffinapuffofcloudbelowherwaist.Herparentsstoodbehindher,theirhandsoneachofhershoulders,proudascouldbe.
Butmyeyessnaggedonthegirlsinthephoto,howtheyheldsomuchpainandsadnessevenatthatyoungage.Shelookedlikeshewantedtocrawloutofherownskin,outofthelifeshewasforcedinto.Irealizeddistantlythat,nottoolongafter,shedid.Shemadeanewlife,oneofherown.
ThelongerIstared,themoreIwilledthememoryofthatfatefuldaytocomebacktome.Butevenseeingaphotographofherbackthen,Icouldn’tseeherclearlyinmymind.
Itkilledme.
“It’sokay,youcanlaugh,”shesaid,rippingthephonefrommygraspbeforeIcouldlooktoolong.
Ishookmyhead,quietforaminute.“Ishouldhavebeentherewithyou,”Isaid.“Shouldhavebeenyourdate.”
“I’mrathergladyoudidn’thavetowitnessmyterribleattemptatdancing,”shetriedtojoke.
Iturnedtofaceher,pullinghercloser.“Imeanit.IknowI’vesaidI’msorryathousandtimesnowbut…Iam.”Ikissedherknuckles.“Thankyouforgivingmeanotherchance.”
Hereyessoftened,andshenodded.“I’dbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tstillscared.”
“That’sokay,”Itoldher.“Onedayatatime,I’llstay.I’llbehereforyou.AndI’llprovetoyouthatyoudon’thaveanythingtobeafraidof.”
Iloveyou.
ThewordsblewthroughmymindasstrongastheOctoberwind,surprisingmeeventhoughI’dfeltthemhummingunderthesurfaceforweeks.
“What?”Maryasked,sensingtheshift.
Iswallowedthewordsdown,buryingtheminmychestfornow.Iknewitwouldn’tbelongbeforethey’dcrawltheirwayout,butMaryhadjustadmittedtomethatshewasscared—ofme,ofus.Thelastthingsheneededwasmetothrowthatather.
“Nothing,”Isaid.
Marynarrowedhereyesbutdidn’tpress.Instead,shebitherlipagainstasmile.“Youknow…Ialwayswantedtomakeoutunderthesebleachers.”
Iarchedabrow.“Didyounow?”
“I’mashamedtoadmithowmanytimesIfantasizedthatit’dbeyou.”
“Well,shit,”Isaid,pullinghertostand.“I’llbedamnedifImissanopportunitytoplayoutoneofyourfantasies.”
Idraggedherdownthebleacherswithherlaughsingingsweetontheeveningbreeze,andwhenwewerealoneundertheshadowofthebleachers,Ipressedherintoadarkcornerandkissedheruntilherlipswereswollenandbothofusweredesperatetogetbackhome.
Onthedriveback,Iwasonceagainovercomebythehighoflifeinthatmoment.Werolledthewindowsdownandletfallsweepin,Mary’shairblowingeverywhereaswesangBreakingBenjaminsongssoloudourthroatswereraw.Isoakedupeverydropoflaughter,revelinginthewayitfelttoholdherhandandthesteeringwheelatthesametime.
Iwasonawinningstreak—ineverypossibleway.
AndwitheverywhisperedinvocationagainstMary’sskinthatnight,Iprayeditwouldneverend.Mary
“WHERE’SMYBIRTHDAYBOY!?”
ThedoortoThePitburstopenearlyonthemorningofOctobertwenty-first,andinblewapetite,gorgeouswomanwhoIonlyhadtoglanceatoncetoknowwasLeo’smom.
Shehadwarmbrownskinandjet-black,shoulder-lengthhairthatswunginsilkystrandsaroundherfaceasshekickedthedoorclosedbehindher.Shewasholdingahomemadesomethinginherhands—perhapsacake?—andherpursewasnearlyasbigasshewasassheadjusteditonhershoulder.Itwashersmilethatgaveheraway,alongwiththosegoldeneyesthatwerewideandbright.
Theygrewevenwideratthesightofme.
“Oh,”shesaid,alittleoutofbreathasshetriedtocoverhersurprise.“Hello.”
Ishookoffmynerves,thankfulI’dactuallydecidedtogetdressedthismorningbeforecomingdownstairs.Ididn’tusually,butmaybeitwastheuniverse’swayofshowingmeasmallkindness,becauseforsomereasonI’dpulledonahoodieandmyleggings.
“Hi,”Isaid,matchinghersmile.“YoumustbeMrs.Hernandez.Here,letmetakethat,”Ioffered,reachingouttotakethepancoveredwithClingWrapoutofherhands.
“Please—callmeValentina,”shesaid,lettingmetakethedessert.OnceIhaditinmyhands,Irealizeditwasn’tacake,butratherseveraloversizedpastrieswitharuby-coloredjamoozingoutofthemandpowderedsugardustingthetop.
IlookedbackuptofindValentinastudyingmewithanarchedbrow,likeshewaswaitingformetoexplainmypresence.ButbeforeIcould,astampedeofboysbarreleddownthestairs,Leoattheforefront.
“Mamá!”hesaid,andthenhescoopedhistinymotherintohisarmsandspunheraroundwhileshelaughedandsqueezedhimjustastight.
“Felizcumplea?os,mijo,”shesaidwhenhesatherfeetbackontheground.Shegrabbedhisfaceinherhandsandkissedbothhischeeks.
Therestofmyroommatesenvelopedhernext,andIusedthedistractiontoslipaway,quietlytuckingmyselfintothecorner.Iwasreadytomakemyselfdisappearcompletely,butLeo’sgazesnappedtome,andhesmiledsowideandcarefreethatitfeltlikeablastfromthepast,likeIwasseeinghiminhighschoolagain.
Hishandshotoutformine,andIbalancedthetrayofpastriesinonehandasIslippedmyotherintohis.
“Mamá,thisisMary,”hesaid,pullingmeclose.
“Ah,sothisisthegirlwho’sstolenmyson’sheart,”shemused.
Iflushedfuriously,butLeoonlykissedmytempleandnodded.“Theveryone.”
Leo’smomnodded,crossingherarmsassheappraisedme.Then,sheclickedhertongueandshookherhead.“She’stooprettyforyou.”
Ilaughed,andLeosmiledlikethiswasnormalforthem.“Losé.”
“Comeon,Mary,”Valentinasaidnext,loopingherarmthroughmineandshooingLeoaway.“HelpmeplatethesepastelitosdeguayabaandI’llshowyouhowtomakecoffee.”
“Oh,Iknowhowtomakecoffee,”Isaid.
Shearchedthatbrowatmeagain,lookingatLeowhohelduphishandsinsurrender.
“Beeasyonher,Mamá,Iwanttokeepher.”
Valentinasuckedherteeth,butthensmiledupatme.“Trustme.Youdon’tknowhowtomakeithowIdo.ButI’llshowyou.Come.”
TheboyswereinatizzyatMrs.Hernandezbeingatthehouse.TheycleanedasquicklyastheycouldasIjoinedherinthekitchen,andIchuckledtomyselfasIheardthemfantasizingabouttheguavapastriesshe’dbroughtwithher.IworkedonplatingoneforeachofusasValentinapulledacanofcoffeeoutofherpurseandgottoworkatthecoffeepot.
WhenLeosaidhewantedmetomeethismom,Ididn’texactlyhaveasurprisebirthdaymeetinginmind.
ButonceIgotpastmynerves,itwassoeasytotalktoherthatIfeltlikeshewasmyownmother—youknow,ifIhadamotherwhoactuallytalkedtome,thatis.
Valentinacouldn’taskenoughaboutme,itseemed.Shewantedthestorybehindeachoneofmytattoos,wantedmetoshowhermyentireportfolio.ThenshepleadedwithmeuntilIshowedherpicturesofmeandmyfamilyanddemandedthatIcometothehousenexttimeLeodidsoshecouldreturnthefavorbyblessingmewithembarrassingbabypicturesofLeo.
ThatIwasexcitedfor.
Theboysstolemostofhertimeatthetableoncewewereseated,especiallysincetheyhadtorunoutthedoortopracticesoon.IwatchedLeolickingpowderedsugarfromhislipswhilelaughingatastoryhismomtoldusabouthowhe’dgonearoundcallingpeoplebicho—whichmeantdicksucker—becausehe’dheardhersayitunderherbreathaftergettingoffthephonewithhisfathersomanytimes.Itmademyheartsqueezeseeinghimsohappy,andIlovedthatIwasapartofhisbirthdaythisyear.
Iwonderedif,maybe,I’dbeapartofiteveryyearnow.
Whentheboyshadtorunoutthedoortoheadtothestadium,Leopulledmeintohisarmsandmeltedmewithawarmkiss.
“Ican’twaitformybirthdaypresenttonight,”hewhisperedinmyearlowenoughforonlymetohear.
“Whosaidyou’regettingone?”
Hejustsmirkedandmadesurehismomwasn’tlookingbeforeheswattedmyassandskippedoutthedoor.
WhenValentinaandIwerealone,wecleanedupthecoffeecupsandplatesfrombreakfast.Imanagedtoaskherafewquestionsbeforeshewasdesperatetoknowmoreaboutme,andshelookedsosadwhenshetoldmeshehadtogetgoingorshe’dbelateforwork.
ShewrappedmeinafiercehugwhenIwalkedhertothedoor,hereyesabitglossywhenshepulledback.Sheheldmethereinherhands,likeshewasdebatinghernextwords.
“Helovesyou,youknow,”shesaidafteramoment.“Myson.”
Heatrushedovermyneck,andIsmiled,lookingdownatthefloorasmyhairfannedovermyblushingcheeks.“Idon’tknowaboutthat.”
“Ido,”shesaid.“AndI’mhismother,soIknowbetterthananyone.”
Iswalloweddowntheknotinmythroatwhenshepulledherhandsfromme,adjustingherpurseonhershoulderandopeningthefrontdoor.
“Tencuidadoconsucorazón,Mary,”shesaidwithasmile.“Becarefulwithhisheart.”
“Iwill,”Ipromised,allthewhilesmoothingahandovermyownhearttosoothethewayitwasaching.
ValentinanoddedlikesheknewIwouldevenbeforeItoldher,andthenshepresseduponhertoestokisseachofmycheeksandmademepromisewewouldbothcomeseehersoon.
Laterthatnight,afterIwasdoneattheshopandLeowashomefromhiseveningclasses,wesatinbedtogetherwhileheunwrappedhispresent.Hewassilentwhenitwasfinallyrevealed,runninghishandoverthenavy-bluevelvetcoverofathicksketchbook.
Hiseyesfoundmine,andthenhelookedbacktothebookandopenedtothefirstdrawing.
Itwasasimpledoodle,oneofsomeoftheflowersthatbloomedinthegardenoverthesummerbeforetheweatherhadgrowntoocold.ThenextwasofPalico,curledupinablanket.
Whenheflippedthepage,itwasascene—ofthatfirstmorningwhereKylemadepancakes.Leostoodinfrontofme,shirtlessandhotasever,onehandabsentmindedlytoyingwithhischainsasIscowledathimovermyplatethatheldthatsmiley-facechocolatechippancake.KyleandBradenlaughedattheinteractionbetweenus.
Leo’sfacesplitwithawidegrinashetookitallin,andevenmoresoasheflippedthroughandfoundmoreandmoresceneswaiting—everythingfromquietmorningsplayingvideogamestosensualnightsofusinthesheets.HestaredparticularlylongattheoneI’ddrawnofussittingontheroof,hislettermandrapedovermyshoulders.
“Thisisincredible,Stig,”hebreathed,finallylookingupfromthepagesandfindingmygaze.
“It’snotmuch,”Icombatted.“But,asyouknow,thingsarekindoftight.Ithought—”
“It’sbetterthananythingmoneycouldbuy,”herefutedbeforeIcouldfinish.
Then,thenotebookwasonthebedsidetable.
AndLeowaslayingmedowninhissheets.Mary
WhenIwaseleven,myparentssurprisedmewiththebestgiftever.
Ihadafeelingitwasgoingtobethebestgiftever,becausethey’dsentmeawaytostaythenightwithmycousin,sayingtheyneededtopreparemybirthdaysurprise.Icouldbarelysleepthatnight,andthenextmorning,Ideclinedbreakfast,desperatetoracebacktomyhouseandseewhatitwas.
Iwalkedintothecornerofmyroombeingcompletelyconvertedintoanartstudio.
They’dseteverythingup—thebrand-newdesk,adozendifferent-sizedsketchbooks,pensandpencilsandmarkersofallshapesandsizesandwidthsandcolorsanddepths.Thecherryonthecakewasabrand-newtablet,onealreadysetupwithadrawingprogram.
I’dsobbed,clingingtomyfatherandthankinghimincessantly.
“Itwasyourmom’sidea,”he’dwhispered.
IwassoshockedwhenIturnedbacktofindmymotherwithtearsinhereyes,andthenIwasclingingtoher,cryingahundredthankyousintohershirtassheheldmetight.
ThatmemorycurledaroundmelikefogasIheadedtowardtheshop,thatsameimpatient,giddyfeelingsettlingintomybones.Becausejustlikethen,IhadafeelingIwaswalkingintogoodnews.
IhadafeelingIwaswalkingintoapermanentjobofferatthestudio.
ItwasMonday,andtheshopwasclosed,butNerohadaskedmetocomeinforacouplehours.He’dassuredmenotoiletswouldbecleaned,andI’dlaughed,allthewhilebouncinglefttorightjustknowingtherewouldbeajobofferwaitingforme.
LeohadthoroughlyenjoyedwatchingmetearthroughdozensofoutfitsbeforelandingonTheOneWhereIGotPromoted.Hewaswalkingoutthedoortoheadbacktocampusforclassaftersneakinghomewithjustenoughtimetomakemytoescurlbeforehehadtogoback.Icouldn’twaitfortheendofthenight,wherewe’dbothbehomecelebratingtogether.
AsIdrove,IimaginedwhatI’dbewalkinginto.Iwonderedifthey’dalreadyhavemyspacesetupanddecorated,mynameandphotoonthewall.Iwonderediftherestofthecrewwouldbethere,too,withsignsandballoonsandacakeWelcometotheteam!they’dallsay.
IwastrulyfloatingbythetimeIparked,andIrodethecloudintotheshop,hangingmycoatandscarfalongwithmybagonthehooksbymytemporarychair.Itwasquiet,butasmilestillsplitmyface.
“Hello?”Icalled.
“Backhere!”
IfollowedthesoundofNero’svoicetothebackoffice.HisbrowswerefurrowedasheworkedonadesignonhisiPad,buthegrinnedeartoearwhenIwalkedin,settingitaside.“Hey,MaryJ.”
HewasupoutofthechairandhalfwaytomebeforeIcouldtellhimthatIdidnotwantthatnickname.I’dhearditenoughasakidtohavetoeverhearitagainasanadult.ButhissmilewassobigwhenhewrappedmeinabearhugthatIfiguredIcouldsavethatforanothertime.
Nero’shandsstayedonmyarmsashepulledaway,andhelookedmeupanddownfromheadtotoe.I’dlandedononeofmyfavoriteblackblousesthatwasform-fittingbutmodest,alongwithdarkskinnyjeans,andblackpointy-toedbootswithathree-inchheel.Itwassimple,andyetthewayeachpieceaccentedmycurvesandlines,itmademefeelpowerful.
“Youlook…stunning,”hesaid,stillholdingon.
“Thanks,”Ireplied,blushingalittle.Notbecauseofhiseyes,butbecauseIwashavingflashbackstoputtingonthisoutfitandhavingLeoimmediatelystripmeoutofitandbendmeoverthedeskinourroom.
Ourroom
Itriednottolingeronthatthought.
Clearingmythroat,Isteppedoutofhisgraspandpretendedtotidyupsomefilesononeofthedesks.“So,whatdoyouneedhelpwith?”
“Icalledyouintohaveatalk,actually,”hesaid,gesturingtooneofthechairs.“Haveaseat.”
Icouldn’twipethestupidgrinoffmyfaceasIdid.
Thisisit.I’mgettingmyownchair.
IsatdownascalmlyasIcould,crossingmylegsasNerosatacrossfromme.Herolledthechairuntilhiskneesalmosttouchedmine,thenleanedbackandfoldedhishandstogetheroverhischest.
Hereallywasavision—allthatdarkhaironhisheadandface,thedarkinkoneveryinchofhisskin.ItmademefeelabitstupidforhowIoverreactedwithhiscommentsacouplemonthsbefore.Hecouldhaveanygirlhewanted,andhehadbaggedoneofthehottestonesI’deverlaideyeson.Hiswifewasasmokeshow.
Hewasjustaflirtyguy.AndeversincethatnightatthebarwithLeo,Nerohadbeennothingbutprofessional,asifherealizedthatwhathe’dsaidcouldhavebeentakenoutofcontext,thathemighthavemademeuncomfortable.
Now,Icameintoworkanddidmyjobandheleftmetoit.
Icouldgetusedtothat—aflirty,good-lookingbosswhotrustedmeandleftmealone.
“I’vewatchedyoureallycomeintoyourownoverthelastmonthandahalf,”hesaid,aneasysmileonhisface.“Whetheritwasasimplelineofscriptonaforearmoracomplicatedcustompieceonaback,you’vetreatedeveryclientthesame—withrespect.You’vegiventhemyourfullattentionandmadethemfeelimportant,whichisthebestthingyoucandointhisindustry.Youalreadyhavepeoplewantingtocomeback—nottothisshop,buttoyou.”Heshookhishead.“Mostartistswaityearsforthatkindofloyalty.”
Ibeamedunderhispraise,myskinsowarmIpressedmypalmtomycheek.“Thankyou.”
“Youcanthankyourself.You’veworkedhardforthis.Youtookeveryhourofyourapprenticeshipseriously,andyou’vereallyhonedyourskill,yourstyle.Ithinkyouhaveabrightfutureaheadofyou.”Hepaused.“Ithinkyouhaveabrightfuturehere—ifyouwantit.”
Ihadtocovermymouthwithmyhandtokeepfromsquealing.“Really?”
Hechuckled,standing.“Yes,really.”Hewalkedovertothefridgeandpulledouttwobeers,handingonetome.HecrackedhisopenandtappedittotheedgeofminebeforeIdidthesame.“Drinkup,Mary.ThisisyourofficialjoboffertoworkatMoonstruck.”
Anelated,singsonglaughburstoutofme—whichmadeNerogrinwider.Hetookalongpullofhisbeer,andonceIwasdonefreakingout,Isippedmine.Ididn’treallylikebeer,butIwasn’tgoingtoturndownacelebratorydrinkfrommyboss.
“Thankyou,”Ibreathed.“I…I’mshocked.”
“Youcansetyourownschedulewiththeclientsyoubookonline,butatleasttostartout,Iwantyouhereintheshopadedicatedthreenightsaweekforwalk-ins.You’llpaymerentforyourchairandanythingyoumakeoverthatisyours.Rentwillcoverourbasicsupplies,butifyoudecideyouwantaspecialgunorbrandofink,that’sonyou.”
Iwasnoddingalongfeverishlyashespoke,abandoningmybeertotakenotesinmyphone.Ididn’tcareifIbarelymadeenoughtocoverrentingthechair—Iwashired.Iwasofficiallyapartoftheshop.Iwouldhavemyownchair,myownspace,myownclients.
Icouldbarelysitstill.
Nerostoodwhenhewasdone,openinghisarms.“Welcometotheteam.”
Ileaptup,crashingintohimandwrappinghiminjustasfierceofahugashegaveme.Hepickedmeupalittle,spinninguswhileIchantedthankyouthankyouthankyouoverandoveragain.
Nerochuckledwhenhestoppedspinning,andheslowlydroppedmebacktotheground.Itfeltalittleuncomfortablehowmybreastssmushedupagainsthischestandeveryinchofhimonthewaydown.
Ilaugheditoff,though,andonceIwasstandingagain,Itriedtopulloutofhisgrasp.
Butheheldmetighter.
“Congratulations,”hesaid,lookingdownatmeoverthebridgeofhisnose.Hisbreathsmelledlikehe’dhadmaybemorethanjustthatonebeer.“I’mreallyhappyyousaidyes.”
Ilaughedalittleuncomfortably,againtryingtobreakoutofhisgrasp,butheheldtighter,inhalinglikeIwasascentedcandle.
“Youknow,”hesaid,hiseyesfallingtomylips.“Thereisawayyoucouldproperlythankme…fortheapprenticeship,thejob…”
Mystomachinstantlysoured.
JoyandelationwerereplacedbypanicandrevulsionasNerostrokedthesideofmycheekwithhisknuckles.Thepropellersinsidemestartedtowhir,thatfightorflightsensationpulsingthroughme.
“It’sbeentorture,havingyouworkingundermeallthistimewithanassassweetasyours,”hesaid,asifthatwasacompliment.
No,Ipleadedwiththeuniverse.No,please,no,don’tletthishappen.
Hehadn’tcrossedasinglelinesincethatnightwhereI’dthoughtI’dreadtoomuchintohiscompliment.
Now,hewasabouttocrossthemall.
“Beforeyousignthepaperworkandbecomeanemployee,let’stakethismomentarybreakincontracttohavesomefun,”heproposed,intensifyinghisgrip.“Whatdoyousay?”
WarningbellsrangsoloudinmyearsIcouldbarelyhearmyownvoicewhenIreplied.“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
“Oh,comeon,”hechided,andwhenhepulledmeintohim,hiserectionpressedintomybelly.
Inearlygagged.
“Iseethewayyoulookatme.You’vehadacrushonmeeversinceyouwalkedthroughthatdoorasafreshteentogetyourfirsttattoo.Itwasadorablethen,butyou’vereallygrownup…”Hesuckedinabreathlikeitwashurtinghimtorestrainhimself.“Ipromise,Icanhandleeverythingyoubringtothetable.”
Hishandsswoopeddowntogripmyassfirmlyandrubmeagainsthim,andI’dhadenough.
Igrabbedhisshoulders,lockingmyeyesonhislikeIwasgivingin,mymouthontrackforhis…
Andthenhikedmykneeuphardandfastrightintohisballs.
Nerodoubledover,coughingandcursingasIbackedawayandoutofreach.
“I’msorry,”Isaid,ignoringhowpissedoffitmademethatIwasapologizingforhurtinghimwhenhewasbeingagrosspig.Butassickasitwas,Istillwantedthatjob.
He’sjustdrunk,Iconvincedmyself.
“It’sjust…Youhaveawife.Ihaveaboyfriend,”Iadded.WasLeomyboyfriend?Hesureashellwasmorethanmyfriendatthispoint.“And…andIrespectyou.Idon’twantanythinglikethistocomebetweenus.”
Nerohadbeenbentoverandred-facedtheentiretimeIspoke,butheslowlystooduprightagain,spittingasifI’dhithiminthemouthanddrewblood.
HestaredatmewiththemosthorrificexpressionI’deverseeninmylife.
Hiseyeswerewild,butalsodead—howtheycouldbebothatthesametime,Ihadnoclue.Theveinsinhisneckpulsedandbulged,andforamoment,Ithoughthemightattackme.Iballedmyhandsintofists,preparingtofight.
Buthejuststaredatmeforalongmoment,andthen,heletoutaslowbreath,runninghishandsthroughhishairandturningawayfrommelikehe’djustrememberedwhohewas.
“It’sallgood,”hesaidwithhisbacktome,andhestartedfiddlingwithsomepapersonthedesk.
“Okay,”Iwhispered,clearingmythroat.“So…we’regoodhere?Doyouwantmetojustcomebacktomorrowwhentheshopisopentotalkaboutnextsteps?”
“Yeah,”hesaid,theresponseshort.HegrabbedtheiPadhe’dbeenworkingonandsatinhischairagain,eyesonthescreenandnotonme.
Iswallowed,backingawayfromhimlikehewasasnake.ImadeittotheedgeoftheofficebeforeIturned,andassoonasIdid,hestruck.
“Actually,”hesaid,makingmepause.“Maybethisisabadidea.”
IceslidthroughmyveinsasIspuntofacehimagain.“No.Nero,don’t—”
“Yeah,Ijustdon’tthinkyou’reagoodfit,nowthatIreallythinkaboutit,”hesaid,notevenlookingatmeashethrewthewordslikeninjastars.“Yourstyle,ifyoucanevencallitastyleatall,ismoreamateurthanwhatwe’relookingfor.Idon’twanttoriskthereputationoftheshop.”
“YoujustsaidIhadclientsalreadywantingtorebook,”Idefended,tryingtostaycalmastearswelledinmyeyes.“Yousaid—”
“Iwastryingtobenice.Noonehascalledtorebook,Mary.”Hepausedhisdrawingtomakesurehelookedatmewhenhesaidthatlastpart.“Ithoughtmaybeyouhadalittlepotential,butIthinkIwasmakingadecisionwithmydickratherthanmyhead.Youknowhowthatis.”
HelookedbackdownasIgrappledtoremainstandingupright.
“Can’thelpit,it’sabadhabitforme.Easilydistractedbyaprettyfaceandanicesetoftits.”
Eachwordslicedanotherribbonoffmyskin.
“Honestly,kid—I’mnotsurethisisthecareerforyou.Ijusthaven’thadthehearttosayit.”
Kid
Hewassayinganythinghecouldtokillmenow.
Itonguedmycheek,shakingmyheadandtryingtofindthewilltospeak.“Please,Nero.Don’tdothis,”IcroakedwhenIfinallyfoundit.
Hesniffed,shrugging.“Sorry,Ijustthinkthisisbest.”Hepausedtolookatmeonelasttime.“Oh,andifyouwerethinkingaboutanyothershopsinthearea,I’dbecarefulaboutwhatyousayaboutyourtimehere.”
Itwasathreatandapromiseboth,theassurancethatifIranmymouth,I’dneverworkinBoston.He’dseetoit.
Nerodidn’tlookatmeagain.NotasIstoodthereindisbelief,notasInumblydraggedmyselfoutoftheoffice,andnotasIputmycoatandscarfbackonandslippedintothecold.
Inthespanoftwentyminutes,I’dbeenpromoted,assaulted,fired,anddenouncedbyamanI’dlookedtoasinspirationforyears.
Itooktenstepstowardmycar,andthenIvomited.Leo
Drivinghomefromcampus,Ihadahardtimenotspeedingwithalltheexcitementflowingthroughme.Coachhadcalledmeintohisofficeforaquickmeetingbeforeclass,onewherehetoldmetheMinnesotaVikingshadtheireyesonme.
Now,Ididn’tknowonefuckingthingaboutMinnesotaotherthanitwasdamncold,butthefactthatateamknewmyname,thatIwasontheirradar,thatIcouldbethemissingpieceintheiroffensethattookthemtothenextlevel…itlitmeuplikenothingelseintheworldcould.
TheonlythingIcouldthinkaboutwastellingMary.
Iknewshe’dhavegoodnews,too—apermanentpositionattheshop.AndwhileIstillhadNeroonmyradarforbeingacreep,he’dleftheraloneeversincethatfirsttimeshe’dtoldmehe’dmadeherfeelsometypeofway,andIknewthisjobwasoneMarywantedmorethananything.
Icouldn’twaittomeethergoodnewswithmyown,tocollideatthedooraswebothburstattheseamstotelltheothereverysingledetail.Icouldn’twaittotakeherupstairsandcelebrateafterward,too—andI’dtakemysweetasstime,regardlessoftheearlywakeupcallwaitingformeinthemorning.
MytiressquealedalittlebitwhenIpulledintothedrive,andInoticedMary’scarwasalreadyparkedacrossthestreet.Iallbutskippedthroughthefrontdoor,hikingmybagupmyshoulderandtakingthestairstwoatatime.IslungmybagintothecornerasIopenedthedoortomybedroom—ourbedroom?—andkickedmyshoesoffbeforepouncingonthebedwhereMarywascurledintoaball.
“Wakeup,sleepyhead!”Istartedkissingalloverherneckandshoulders,makingthemobnoxiouslyloudwithmygrinagainstherskin.“Wehavecelebratingtodo.”
ButwhenMaryrolledover,everythinginsidemeturnedtoice.
Shedidn’tmeetmewithaface-splittingsmile.Shewasn’tjumpingupanddownandthrowingherselfonmeasshespilledeverydetailofherjoboffer.
Instead,herfacewasredandpuffy,eyesswollen,lasheswet.
She’dbeencrying.
Andinstantly,Iwasreadytokill.
“Whathappened?”
Sheshookherhead,tryingtopullmedownintothesheetswithher.“Forgetit.”
“Absolutelynot.”Ipulledhergentlyuntilshewassittingup,herlegsfoldedunderneathher.Itookherhandsinmineandwaited.
“Hefiredme.”
“What?!”Ishookmyhead,jawslack.Iwascompletelydumbfounded.“How…whywouldhedothat?You’vebeenanapprenticeforoverayear.You’vebeenkillingitwithyourownclientsfortwomonths!”
“Whichiswhyheofferedmeachairofmyown,”shesaid.
Iblinked,confused.“Huh?”
Shebitherlipagainstawaveoftears,finallymeetingmygazeaftertakingadeepbreath.“Heofferedmemyownchair.Then,hegavemeahug,andproceededtogrindhiserectionintomeandsayhecouldthinkofawayortwotoproperlythankhim.”
Mysoulleftmybody.
Ithoveredaboveus,listeningasMarycontinued,sayingthatwhenshe’dturnedhimdown,he’dtakeneverythingbackandfiredher.IthoughtIalsoheardhersayshekneedhimintheballs,butIcouldn’tevenfindjoyinthat.
Mybodywasdetached,anumbsortoffirecrawlingupmyspine.Myjawachedwithhowtightitwas,throatconstrictingwiththeneedtoscream.
Thatwasit.
Iwasgoingtojailtonight.
MarywasstilltalkingwhenIslidoffthebedandwordlesslyslidmysneakersbackon.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheaskedwithasniff.
Icouldn’tbreathe,couldn’tthinkstraightenoughtoanswerherpastthered-hotangerseepingthroughmyeverypore.Distantly,Iheardmymom’svoiceasifshewereinthecorneroftheroom.
Cálmate,mijo.Think.
IcouldevenhearmyfatherandCoach,asiftheywereoneperson,theirarmscrossedovertheirchestsastheyshooktheirheads.
Don’tdoit.You’reriskingyourcareer.
IglancedbackatMary,andsheblinked,recognitionfallingoverher.
“No,”shesaid,loudandfirmasshejumpedupandrantome.
“Someoneneedstoputthatpieceofshitinhisplace.”
“Leo,don’t!”Marybegged,herhandreachingouttosnagmyarm.
“He’snotgoingtotouchyoulikethatandgetawaywithit.”
“It’sfine.I’mhandlingit.ThereareotherplacesIcanwork.”
Ishookmyhead.“Thatdoesn’texcusewhathedid.”
“Iknowitdoesn’t,butI’m…figuringitout.”
Sheshookherhead,tearsstillstaininghercheeks,andIhadtotearmygazeawaybecauseithurtsobadlytoseethem.
“Leo,”shesaid,squeezingmyarm.“Lookatme.”
WhenIdid,Iwasbreathinglikeafuckingbeast—nostrilsflaring,jawsotightIthoughtI’dbustatooth.
“Iamaskingyounottodothis,”shesaid.“Please.”
ButIcouldn’tlisten.
IrippedoutofhergraspandflewdownthestairsasfastasI’dcomeupthem,thethrummingofmyheartinmyearsdrowningouttherestofMary’spleas.
Mary
WhenIpulleduptotheshop,itwastoolate.
Leohadbeentoofast,likethereweresquealingtiresunderhiminsteadoflegsasheracedoutofThePit.I’dgottendressedasquicklyasIcouldandrunacrossthestreettomyowncar,speedingtowardtheshoptotrytostophim.
ButIparkedandbarreledoutofmycarjustintimetoseeNerotossingLeoout,bothofthembloody.
“Oh,myGod!”ThescreamrippedfrommythroatbeforeIhadanychanceofkeepingitin.IrantoLeo,whowasdragginghimselfoffthegroundwithhismurderousgazestillpinnedonmyboss.
Ex-boss.
“Wow,”Nerosaidonalaugh,spittingbloodoutofhismouthandontothepavementatourfeet.“Realfuckingmature,Mary,siccingyourboyfriendonme.”
Hedidn’tgivemethechancetorespondbeforeheshookhisheadandturnedbacktotheshop.
“You’redoneinthistown,”hesaid,solowIthoughtImisheardhim.Buthewhippedaroundandpointedafingeratme,hisnosebustedupandbleeding,eyesalreadyturningpurple.“Done,”hereiterated.HepointedatLeonext.“Andyou’refuckingluckyIdon’tpresscharges,youdumbsonofa—”
Ithappenedsofast;Icouldn’tregisteritall.
OnesecondLeowasbesideme,puffinglikeadragon,andthenext,asickeningcracksplittheairandNerowaslaidoutontheground.LeohadconnectedhisfistrighttoNero’sjaw,makinghimspinaroundlikeagiantinacartoonbeforehefell.
“Ifyoueversomuchasfuckinglookatheragain,I’llkillyou,”Leoseethed,grabbingNerobytheshirt.Heheldhiminchesfromhisfacelongenoughtolandthethreatbeforehedroppedhimbacktothepavement.
AndthesightofhimstandingoverNeroanddefendingmelikethatbothturnedmeonandpissedmerightthefuckoff.
“Leo,”Igroundthroughmyteeth.
Neroblinkedafewtimes,groaningashestood.Hespitbloodagain,andthistime?
Atooth.
Hepickeditupwithanamusedgrin,rollingthepieceofwhitebonearoundinhisfingersbeforeshovingitinhispocket.
Then,hepinnedLeowithabloodygrin.“Ihopeyouenjoyedthatbecauseyoujustfuckedyourgirlfriend—andnotinthewayIcould,Ipromiseyouthat.”
Leosurgedforwardlikehewasgoingtohithimagain,butIwrappedmyarmsallthewayaroundhimtostophim,mychesttohisback,mehangingonhimfordearlife.
“Ibetyouwouldhavebeenalousylay,anyway,”Nerosaidtomeashisfinalword,andthenhewasintheshopandlockingthedoorbehindhim,amanicsortoflaughlikehe’dwonringingoutintheair.
Andhehad.
Heheldallthepoweroverme.Iwouldn’tstandachanceoflandinganotherjobinthecitynow,andLeohadn’tprovenanythingbyknockingatoothout,otherthanthatNerohadenoughpowertoupsetbothofus.
We’dshownourcards,andhe’dplayedhisace.
Foralongmoment,westoodthere,mewrappedaroundLeoandhimbreathingloud,shallowbreaths,bothofusstaringatthedoorNerohaddisappearedthrough
WhenIfinallyreleasedhim,Ishovedhimhard.
“Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?!”
“Me?”Leospuntofaceme,hiseyesstillwild.“Ishouldhavekilledhim,Mary.He’safuckingscumbagand—”
“AndIcanhandlemydamnself!”Ishouted,chestheaving.“Ikneedhimintheballs.Iwalkedoutofherewithmyheadheldhighandatleastascrapofmydignitystillinplace.Idon’tneedyouswoopinginlikesomefist-happyshiningknighttodefendmyhonor.Ihadaplan,whichyou’venowshottohell.BecausenowI’llneverworkanywhereinthiscitybecauseIhaveapsychoticboyfriend.”
Leoblinked,takingtwolongbreaths.“Boyfriend?”
Ichuffedalaugh,turningandstridingtomycar.Thewordsthatburstoutofmythroatwithoutpermissionwereimmatureandhasty,butIdidn’tcare.“Ex,now.”
“Whoa,whoa,wait,”hesaid,catchinguptomeandtakingmebytheelbowtospinmetowardhim.“Whatdoyoumeanex?”
“Youcompletelydisrespectedme,”Iscreamedthroughmytears,chesttight.“Iaskedyounotto.Ibeggedyou.Andyoudiditanyway.”
Leo’sfaceleveledoutmorewitheveryword.“Mary.”
“No,”Irippedmyarmoutofhisgrasp.“Ican’tbelieveyou.”Ishookmyhead,tearsblurringmyvision.Ashortlaughchoppedoutofme.“Actually,Ican.Ireallyfuckingcan.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.”
Ihatedmyselfbeforethenextwordsevenleftmylips,butIwantedtohurthim.IwantedhimtofeellosslikeIfeltinthatmoment.
Asmallpartofmerememberedfeelingthiswaybeforewithhim,sevenyearsago,whenhehurtmeandIwasdesperatetoreturnthefavor.
“Youdon’treallycareaboutme,”Isaid.“Youjustwantedaprize,somethingtohaveonyourarmandgetinfightsover.Youdidn’tstoptothinktwiceaboutwhatIwanted,howthiswouldimpactmeandmyfuckingdream.Ihaveworkedforyearsforthis.Years,Leo.ImagineifIdidthistoyou,ifItorethroughthestadiumandrippedacheerleaderoffthetopofapyramidbyherhairforoglingyouorbraggingtoherfriendsinthebathroomhowyou’dfuckedherintothenextdecadeatapartylastyear.”
Leohadcompletelysoberednow,allthefightgonefromhimasherushedmeandpulledmeintohim.Heheldmetight,brushinghisfingersthroughmyhair.
“I’msorry,”hebreathed.
Hisknuckleswerebleeding.
Sowashiseyebrow.
“I’msosorry,”hesaidagainwhenIdidn’tpullaway.“You’reright.Iwasstupid.Ijust—”
“Didn’tthink,”Ifinishedforhim,sniffingandpullingaway.“Yeah.Iknow.”
Hecrumpled.“Stig,I—”
Ihelduponehandtostophim.“Don’tyouunderstand?”Therealizationhitmelikeaboulder,onethatfellfromaskyscraperandsquashedmelikeabug.Isniffed,searchinghisgaze.“Itrustedyou.”
Thatnearlybrokeusboth,andItoreawayfromhim,needingtogetawayfromhistouch.
“Itrustedyounottohurtme.YoupromisedmeIcould.”
“Iwouldneverhurtyou,”hesaid,voicebooming.
“Youalreadydid.”
Hisnostrilsflared,jawhingedtightashiseyesglossedoverjustlikemine.Buthedidn’tmove,didn’ttrytotouchmeagain,didn’ttrytoargue.Hejuststoodtherewaitingformetoabsolvehim.
AndIcouldn’t.
“Leavemealone,Leo,”Ipleadedsoftly,bringingmyeyestomeethis.“Ineedyoutoleavemealone.”
Heswallowed.“WhatifIcan’t?”
“Thenyou’llprovethatyoureallydon’tcareaboutmeatall.”
Twentyminuteslater,IpulleduptoGianaandClay’s.
Theymadeupthecouchformewithoutaskingasinglequestion,andGianaheldmeasIcrieduntilIfellasleep.Leo
Twenty-fourhoursago,everythingwasdifferent.
Mybiggestworryyesterdayhadbeenfootball.Wehadanawaygameagainstourrivalsintwoweeksafterourbyethisweekend,anditwasallwecouldfocuson.Ifwewon,notonlywoulditbearivalrywin,butitwouldsecureabowlgameforus.
Coachhadalsotoldmetherewouldbemultiplescoutsatthisgame—scoutswhohadbeenvisitingourcampusthroughouttheseasonwiththeireyesonourseniors.
Onme
Yesterday,Iwasfullofhope.IhadspedhomewithnothingbutexcitementflowingthroughmyveinsasIrushedtotellMary.Yesterdaywasawholedifferentworld,acompletelydifferentuniverse.
Today,Iwokeupinhell.
Marynevercamehomelastnight,andsheignoredeverysingletextandphonecallfromme.TheonlysolaceIfoundcameatalmostmidnightwhenClaytextedmeandtoldmeshewasathisandGiana’splace.I’dsuckedinabreathofreliefsofierceI’dnearlycollapsed.
ButeventhoughIknewshewassafe,Istillcouldn’tsleep.
Becausesafeornot,I’dlostherallthesame.
EverytimeIthoughtthewords,mystomachwouldrollsoviolentlyInearlypuked.Then,I’dimmediatelyshovethethoughtdown,suffocatingitbeforeithadthechancetoinvademybrainagain.
Ididn’tloseher.
Icouldn’tloseher.
Mychestwasonfireallnightandwellintothemorning,evenasIgotmyselfreadyfortheday.AllIcouldseewasMary’seyeswhenIrealizedwhatI’ddone,thewayshelookedatmelikeI’djustproveneverydoubtshehadaboutmecorrect.
AndIguessedIhad.
Ididn’tthinkaboutitfromherperspectiveuntilitwastoolate.Hell,Ididn’tthinkaboutitatall.Itwasdisrespectfultostepinlikesomebigbadmotherfuckerwhenshe’dalreadytoldmeshe’dhandledit.Itdidn’tmakeanythingbetterwhenIclockedthatstupidbichointhemouth.Itdidn’tevenmakemefeelbetter.Allitdidwaspissmeoffmorebecausehestoodrightbackup,andthen,hehurtMaryevenmore.
Becauseofme.
Andtoaddmoreshittothepile,Nerohadmebytheballs,too.Ifhewenttothepolice,ifhepressedcharges…mycareerwouldbesnuffedoutbeforetheflamehadthechancetocatch.
Therewasabottomlesspitofdoominmystomachwithsomuchuncertainty.Ididn’tknowifNeroreallywouldn’tpresschargesorifI’dwalkintoamediashitstormatthestadium.Ididn’tknowifMarymeantleavemealoneasinforthenightorforever.
Itcouldn’tbeforever.
IconvincedmyselfthatsomehowitwouldallbeokayasIdraggedmyasstopractice.DespitehowdeadIfeltinside,howharditwastobreathenotknowingwhereIstoodwithMary,Imanagedtoputitallawayandshowupformyteam.Iballedoutatpractice,andtoeveryoneonthatfield,Iwasjustfine.Iwasbetterthanfine.Iwasonfire.
Everyone,thatwas,exceptforClay,Zeke,Riley,andmyroommates.
Theyallwatchedmelikeabombthatwoulddetonatewithonewrongstep.
Whenpracticewaswrappedandwewereinthelockerroom,theycorneredme.
“Whatthehellhappened?”Rileydemandedinahushedvoice.“WhyareyourknucklesscabbingandwhydidMarysleeponClay’scouchlastnight?”
IfilledtheminasemotionlesslyasIcould,lockingeverythingdownbecauseotherwiseIknewI’dfallapartrightthenandthere.Andasaleader,astheircaptain—Icouldn’tdothatinfrontofmyteam.
BythetimeIfinished,theywereallsilent,theirbrowspinchedtogether.
“Shit,”Zekesaid.
“Yeah,”Iagreed.
NoonehadtimetoofferawordofadvicebeforeCoachLee’svoiceboomedthroughtheroom.
“Hernandez,”hesaid,andalleyeswhippedtowherehewasstandinginthedoorwayofhisoffice.Hetiltedhisheadtowarditwithhislipspressedintoahardline.
Fuck.
IclosedthedoorbehindmeonceIdippedintohisoffice,andwhenIsatdownacrossfromhim,webothsattheresilent.Coachfinallyletoutafrustratedbreathandsaid,“Webothknowwhywe’rehere,solet’snotfuckaround.”
Inoddedsolemnly.“Howbadisit?”
“Fortunatelyforyou,itshouldstayoutofthepress.Theguycameherethreateningtopresschargesorgotothenews,butwehad…help,”hesaidcarefully.“Fromsomealumniwhowereeagertorectifythesituationandkeepyouontheteam.”
Isqueezedmyeyesclosed,crampingateventhethoughtofsomeonehandingovertheirhard-earnedmoneytosavemyass.Ialsowasn’tanidiot.Iknewthatprobablywasn’texactlyillegal,butwasalsolikelyveryfrownedupon.
“Gianadidaquickscrubthismorning.Shesaidthere’snotevenawhisperofit,soweshouldbefine.WehadhimsignanNDAoncebothpartiesweresatisfied.”
“Andmyparents?”
“Yougetthehonoroftellingthem.”
Thewayhesaidit,Iknewtherewasn’tachoicetonottellthem.EitherIcould,orhewouldifItooktoolong.Iswallowedatthethoughtoftellingmyfather,whowouldnodoubtscoldmyassforriskingmycareer.ButMom?
She’dbeheartbroken.
ThatwasworsethananyscreamingDadcoulddo.
Coachletoutanotherlongbreath,andthenheshookhishead,lookingatmewithsuchdisappointmentIwantedtocurlintoaballandcrylikealittleboy.“Whatwereyouthinking,son?”
“Iwasn’t,”Iansweredimmediately,honestly.
Coachnodded,andthensomethinginhimsoftenedabitthelongerhewatchedme.“Youokay?”
“No,”Isaidonalaugh,nosestinging.Isniffeditaway.“Imessedup.I’msorry,Coach,”Isaid,meetinghisgaze.IhopedhefelthowmuchImeantthat.“Ireallyam.”
CoachLeelookedlikehedidn’tknowifhewantedtoscreamatme,makemerunlaps,orgivemeahug.Intheend,hesettledonanothernod.“Whateverisgoingon,figureitout.Weneedyouforthegamenextweekend.Andthosescoutswon’tthinktwicebeforeturningtheirbacksonyouifyou’renotperformingattheleveltheywanttosee.”
Inodded,andatthispoint,thesouringofmystomachfeltlikeitwouldbeanewpermanentstateofbeing.
“You’reonprobation,”headded.
Iwasn’tsurprised.“Meaning?”
“Meaningifyoufuckupagain,therewon’tbeaconversation.Therewon’tbehelp.Therewon’tbeawayoutofit.”Heleveledhisgazewithme.“Focus,son.Therestofyourlifeisatstakehere.”
Afterthat,thedaydraggedbyandhappenedinaflashallatonce.Ididn’tknowhowImanagedtostayalivelongenoughtoridehomewiththeroommatesattheendofit,allofusquietandexhaustedinthecar.
Noonesaidaword,butKyle’seyescaughtmineintherearviewmirrorfromwherehewasdriving.Henodded,wordlesslytellingmehewasthere,andBradensqueezedmyshoulderfromwherehesatbesideme.Blakeglancedbackatmewithconcern,butthenofferedmeapitifulsmile,tryingtogivemehopethatIdidn’tthinkcouldeverexistinmeagain.
Thatwas,untilwepulledupandsawMary’scaracrossthestreet.
KylebarelyputthecarinparkbeforeIwasrushingoutofitandinthehouseandupthestairs.IburstthroughmydoorandfeltthemostrelievingexhaleleavemeatthesightofMarysittingonthebed.
Herhairwasawildnestpiledintoabunontopofherhead,andonelookatherfacetoldmeshe’dsleptasshittyasmelastnight.Palicowaslayingbesideher,flickinghertailatmelikeevensheknewwhatamoronI’dbeen.
ButMarystillworeoneofmyhoodies,andthatsightalongwiththepossibleimplicationitheldhadmemovingtowardher.
ThesecondInoticedallthebagsandboxespackeduparoundtheroom,Ifrozeagain.
Myeyesflickedfromoneboxtothenext,bouncingintomyclosetthatwasmuchlesscrowdednowbeforesneakingaglanceatthebathroomthatwasfartoocleantohaveanytraceofMaryleft.Panicgrippedmythroatinafist,andwhenmygazemetMary’s,Ihadnochoice.
Ifelltomyknees.
Ifellhard,withacrackofbonetowoodthatmadeMary’seyeswellwithtears.Shelookeduptotrytokeepthemfromfalling,buttheyseareddownhercheeks,anyway.
“Don’tgo.”
TheyweretheonlywordsIcouldsay,theonlyonesthatmadesenseinmyscrambledbrain.IcouldsayIwassorryamilliontimes,Icouldpromiseherthewholeworld—buttheonethingIneededhertohearaboveanythingelsewasthatIwantedhertostay.
Ineededhertostay.
“I’mgoingtolivewithmyparents,”shesaid,hervoiceacrackedwhisper
Iclosedmyeyes,shakingmyhead,willingmyselftowakeupfromthisnightmare.
“I’veoverstayedmywelcomehereasitis.”
Iopenedmyeyesagain.“Youknowthat’snottrue.”
“Idon’tknowwhat’strueanymore.”
MyjawachedwithhowhardIclenchedit.
“Look,thiswasabadideafromthestart,”shesaid,notlookingatmeasshesaidit.Butshestood,pullingPalicointoherarms,andthatmadeitfeelsofinalthatIcouldbarelybreathe.“Let’sjust…gobacktopretendingwelefteachotherbackinhighschool,okay?”
“Idon’twanttopretend,”Isaid,climbingtomyfeet.MychestheavedasIstaredather.“Idon’twanttopretendIleftyouinhighschoolbecauseIdidn’t.Idon’twanttopretendlikeIdidn’twantyouthesecondyoumovedacrossthestreet,evenbeforeIknewwhoyouwere.AndIrefusetopretendthatIdon’twantyounow,morethanever,becauseIdoknowwhoyouare.”
Mary’sfacedidn’tshowanounceofemotion,butanothertearsliddownhercheek,landingsilentlyonhershoulder.SheclutchedPalicocloser.
Itookthefactthatshewasn’tleavingyetasmylastshottomakeherstay
“CanIholdyou?”Iaskedonadesperatewhisper.“Please?”
Herlipwobbled,butshenodded,andassoonasshecarefullysatthecatbackonthebed,Isweptherintomyarmsbeforeshecouldtakeanotherbreath.
SheclungtomejustasfiercelyasIheldher,andIclosedmyeyesagainsttheemotionstranglingmeasIcrushedhertome—onehandinherhair,theotherwrappedcompletelyaroundher.Iinhaledher,tellingmypoorfuckingheartthatthiswasn’toverevenasIfeltherslippingaway.
“I’msorry,”Itoldher.“Ishouldn’thavegonelastnight.Iwasanidiot.Ishouldhavestayedwithyou,shouldhavebeenherewithyou.”Ishookmyhead,stillholdingontoher.“Ididn’tthink.Ifuckedup.ButIswearIwilldoeverythingtomakeituptoyou.Please,”Ibegged.“Stay.”
Marychokedonasob,clutchingmetighter,andIheldhertomeuntilshepressedherhandsagainstmychestaskingforspace.Whenshelookedupatme,Iwantedtodie.
Shewasinsomuchpain.
Anditwasbecauseofme.
“Ineedsometime,Leo,”shesaid,andhereyesdidn’tcowerfrommyown.“ThisdreamthatI’veworkedforfor…years…isjust…gone.”
Shestuttered,andIwantedtohurlmyselfofftheroof.
“I’mjobless.Homeless.Broke.”Sheshrugged.“Ihavenoideawheretogofromhere.”
“Letmegothroughitwithyou.”
Somethinghardenedherthen,andshesteppedevenfartheraway,outofmygrasp.
MyheartshatteredatthethoughtthatthatmighthavebeenthelasttimeIevergottoholdher.
“Idon’ttrustyou.”
Thewordsslidthroughmelikeahotknife,slicingmerightinhalflikeIwasjustastickofbutter.
“Mary,”Itried.
“Youhavethegame,”shesaid,crossingherarms.“Youneedtofocusonyourself,andIneedtofocusonme.Allofthishappenedsofast.OnedayIwasfullswinginthelifeI’dcreatedformyself,theonewhereIwaslivingdespitethehellyouputmethrough.Thenext,IwasinaheavenIneverknewexisted,wrappedupineverythingthatyouare,thatweare,together.”
Iwantedhertostopthere.Iwantedthattobetheend.Butshesniffedandcontinued.
“Andnow,I’minhellagain.Deeper,thistime,becausenowI’velosttheonethingthathasalwaysbeenminedespitewhathappenedtome.Iworkedmyassoffforthis,Leo,”shesaid.
“Iknow,”Itoldher.Ibitbacktheurgetoremindherthatitwasn’tmewhotookitawayfromher.ItwasNero.
ButthenIrememberedthatI’dmademattersworse.She’dhadaplan,she’dsaid—andIdidn’tdoubtit.Marywasstrong.Shewassmart.Shecouldhandleherself.
Itwasmewhofuckedeverythingup.
“Wejust…weneedtotakeabreak,”shesaidwithfinality,pickingupadufflebagandtossingitoverhershoulder.“Myparentswillbehereintwentyminutes.Couldyou…”Sheswallowed.“Canyoupleasenotbeherewhentheyare?”
Thatguttedme.
Justafewweeksagoatouroldhighschoolfootballfield,she’dtoldmeshewantedmetomeetthem.
Now,Ifeltlikeashamefulsecretbeinglockedawayinaclosetnevertobefound.
“I’lldowhateveryouneedmetodo,”Ipromised.“I’llleave.I’llgiveyouspace.”Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,tentativelyreachingout.Whenshedidn’tflinch,Islidmyhandsintoherhair,framingherface,holdinghergazetomine.“ButIwillnotgiveuponus.”
Sheclosedhereyes.“WhatifIneedyouto?”
“ThenI’llleaveyoudisappointed.”Ipaused.“Again.BecauseIcan’tdothat,Stig.I…can’t.”Thatlastwordleftmelikeagutturaldeclarationoftruth,onepulledfrommeagainstmywill.
Ididn’tknowifitwasalaughorasobthatcamefromhernext,butIpressedmylipstoherforehead,closingmyeyesandprayingharderthanIhadinmyentirelifethatthiswasn’ttheendforus.
“Iloveyou,Mary,”Ibreathed.
Shestilledinmygrasp,andIpulledbackuntilIwaslookingdownatheragain.
“Iloveyou,”Irepeated.“Imaybeacolossalfuckup.Imaymakemistakes.ImaydisappointyouandfallshortinmorewaysthanImeasureup.ButIloveyou,andthatwillnevernotbetrue.”
Marycoveredmyhandswithherown,closinghereyesagainandleaningintomypalm.Sheletoutaslowexhale.
Then,shepeeledmyhandsoffherandsteppedaway.
“Rightnow,Ihavetolovemyself,”shesaidsoftly.
Myheartwasabloody,bruised,barelylivingthing—butIlethergo.
Inodded.IheldhergazeuntilIcouldn’tanymore.IturnedandwalkednumblydownthestairsandrightoutthedoorwithoutaplanofwhereI’dgonext.Ijustwalkedandwalkedandwalkeduntilmybodyrefusedtowalkanylonger.I’dendedupsomewhereintheNorthEnd,staringatpeoplelaughingandeatinganddrinkingandenjoyingtheirlives,allofthemoblivioustothezombieamongthem.
Eventually,ItextedBraden,andhecametopickmeup.
Wewerequietonthedriveback,BradendrivingmycarbecauseIknewIcouldn’t.Whenwepulledintothedriveway,Ilookedatthedoorwithapitinmystomach.
“DidIloseher?”Iasked.
Bradensighed,lookingatthehouseandthenatme.“She’sgone,man.”
AndallthestrengthI’dbeenusingtoholdittogetherleftme.
Ididn’tcarethatBradenwasstillthere,thatKyleandBlakewerenowcomingoutofthehouse,too.Itdidn’tmatterifIdidcare.Iwaspowerlessagainsttheemotionaldamthatsplitwideopeninsideme.
Isomehowmanagedtopushthecardooropenandstandup.
Then,Ibroke.
Myroommatesrushedtome.Theyweren’tmyfriendsinthatmoment.Theyweren’tmyteammates.Theyweremybrothers.Myfamily.AndtheyheldmewhileIfellapart.
“It’llbeokay,man.She’llcomeback,”Kylesaid.
Theairpulsed,becauseeverysingleoneofusknewthatwasapromisethatwasn’thistomake.Mary
Thegraymorningmatchedmymoodperfectly,colorfulleavesdrippingwetfromthewaythecloudshuggedthem.Itwasquietexceptforwherethedewdrippeddownintothegrass,asoftpit,pat,pit,patthatdrewmeoutsidelikeamagnet.Thedistinctsmelloffalldecayhungintheair,andIwelcomedthewetmorningwithopenarms.Iwassosickofthesunshine,oftheworldcontinuingtospinonwithoutacare.
IwrappedmyselfinablanketandwentoutsideonthebackporchjustsoIcouldsitwiththefog.
Withtheblanketwrappedaroundme,thescentofLeothatstillbarelyclungtothehoodieI’dstolenfromhimwrappedaroundme,too.Iclosedmyeyesandinhaleditalongwiththecoolmorningair,andjustwhenIthoughtthey’ddriedup,myeyeswelledwithtearsagain.
It’dbeenalmostaweeksinceImovedoutofThePitandbackhomewithmyparents.
Itwasalastresort,oneI’donlychosenafterMargieinformedmethehousewouldn’tbereadyformetomovebackinuntilaftertheholidays.SheandIhadbothdecideditwastimetoletmeoutofthelease,forustogoourseparatewayswhileshefixedeverythingup.Icouldn’twaitinlimboanylonger,andthistime,Ireallydidn’thaveachoice.
Ihadtogohome.
Ithadkilledmypridetomakethecall.I’dcalledDad,ofcourse,whodidn’taskasinglequestion.Hejustsaidhewasonhisway.Andwhilehearinghisvoice,hisconcern,hisloveformefilledmyachingheartwithwarmth,IknewwhenhepulledintoThePit,Momwouldbewithhim,lockedandloadedwithamillionquestions.
I’dbeenright.
She’dbeentight-lippedandquietwhileweloadeduptheSUVwithmybelongings—includingPalico.Theroommateshadhelped,minusLeo,whohadleftbecauseI’daskedhimto.Ididn’tmissthehardedgeofmyfather’sexpressionashewatchedthreemalecollegeathletesinteractwithhisdaughter.ButKyle,Braden,andBlakeshowedhimandmymotherboththehighestrespect.
Theyalsogavemethebesthugsofmylifewhenitwastimetoleave,andItriednottocryaswesaidgoodbye.
Assoonaswewereinthecarandonthehighway,Momstartedin.
Sheberatedmewithquestionstheentiredrivehome.Howintheworlddidyouendupthere?Whatwereyouthinking?Youshouldhavecalledus.Youshouldhavemovedhome.Thisiswhyyounevershouldhavemovedintothatdecrepithousetostartwith.Youshouldbeincollege,inadormroomthat’ssafeandpassesathoroughinspection.Howintheworlddidyouendupwithacat?AndwhatdoesthatMargiecharactersayofthis?Youbetterbegettingyourdepositback.Ican’tbelieveyou’vebeenlivingwithmenwithoutourpermission.Youcouldhavebeenkilled,orworse—
Myfatherputtinghishandonherkneehadsilencedher,andwhilehehadn’tsomuchaslookedatherwhenhedidit,IwatchedMomtakeherfirstrealbreath,coverhishandwithhers,andfallsilent.
Mercifully.
I’dsleptinmyoldroom,whichwasprettymuchthesame,exceptthatitwaspaintedbrighternow,withabedsetonlymymotherwouldlove,andtherewasatreadmillinthecornerfacingoutofmyfavoritewindow—theoneIusedtogazeoutofasIsketched.Itwasn’tanyeasiertosleepinhere,notwithmemoriesofhighschoolclingingtothespace.IstaredatthetelevisionthatIusedtoplayXboxonwithLeo,heartlurchingeverytime.
Isodesperatelywantedtogethigh,butIdidn’thaveanyediblesonhand,andIknewIcouldn’tsneakajoint—notinmymother’shouse.Itdidn’tmatterifIwalkeddownthestreettosmokeit,she’dfindout.
So,ItossedandturnedsoberlythroughthenightbeforeDadknockedonmydoorattwointhemorning,hiswalkingsneakersinhand.
Wedidn’ttalkaswewalked,andunlikewhenIwasyounger,itdidn’treallyhelpmesleep.Butitdidmakemefeelmarginallybetter—lessalone,attheveryleast.
Andthenextmorning,Igavemymomalltheanswersshewaslookingfor.
IalsotoldherandDadbothaboutNero.
Naturally,theywantedmetogotothepolice.Theycouldn’tseereason,notevenwhenIpointedoutthatitwashiswordagainstmine,thatifImovedagainsthim,he’dmoveagainstLeoandmeboth.Momsworethelawwouldsidewithme,whichmademelaughbecauseclearlyshehadn’tpaidattentiontoanysimilarcourtcasesinthelasthundredyears.DadseemedtounderstandwhyIwashesitant,buthewaslikeLeo.HewantedtomurderNero.AndwhilemyshotofeverworkinginBostonwasalreadyobliterated,Ididn’twanttopokethebearthathadthepowertoannihilatemycareercompletely.
ItwasonlyafterIbeggedandpleadedwiththemthroughmytearsthattheyagreedtoletmehandleitthewayIwantedto.
That’sthethingnoonetellsyouaboutbeingavictimtoharassment—thatnotonlydoyoulosepowerduringtheassault,butafterward,too,whenyou’reexpectedtofollowrulesputinplacebypeoplewhohavenoideawhatyou’vebeenthroughorwhat’satstake.
Whatmyparentsdidn’tunderstandwasthatIneededtotakebackcontrolofthesituation.Ineededtobetheonetodecidewhathappenednext,todeterminehowmuchIletthisincidentimpactmeandtherestofmylife.
AllIwantedwastowipemyhandsofNeroandthememoryandmoveforward.
Iwantedtoliveonwithouteverthinkingabouthimorthatshopagain.
AndIneverwantedtogivehimthesatisfactionofthinkinghe’dsomuchasslowedmedown,letalonestoppedme.
Afterthedustsettled,oncethequestioningwasdoneandDadconvincedMomtoleaveitalone,Iwasfinallyabletobreathe.
Buteachbreathwasafieryassaultonmylungs,becausenowallIcouldthinkofwasLeo.
Itwassick,howIknewIneededspacefromhimandyetIstaredatmyphonealldamndaywishingtoseehisnamepopuponthescreen.I’daskedhimtoleavemealone,andhe’dlistened—evenwhenIknewhedidn’twantto.HewasgivingmewhatIneeded,andmymasochisticasswasoverherewishinghewouldn’t,wishingthathe’dsayfuckwhatyouthinkyouneedandburstthroughthedoor.
Butifhedid,IknewI’dbeupset.
I’dtakeitasfurtherproofthatIcouldn’ttrusthim,thathedidn’tcareaboutwhatIneeded,whatIaskedofhim.Itwouldhurtme.Itwouldpissmeoff.
Andyet,nothearingfromhimatallkilledme.
Iwasachaoticdisaster,onehedidn’tdeservetoputupwith.Iwassoangrywithhim,sobetrayedbyhisactions—andyet,hewastheonlyoneIcravedtomakemefeelbetteraboutitall.
TheonlyoneIknewcouldactuallydoit.
I’dbeatenthesethoughtsaroundinmybrainsomuchovertheweekthatitfeltlikemush,andIsatoutsideinthecoolmorningfogwithadazedlookonmyface,myheadfloatinginthemist,bodyonautopilotandjustkeepingmealive
Someoneopenedthepatiodoor,andPalicosaunteredthroughitandrightuptothecouchIwassittingon.Shehoppedup,meowingbeforeshenudgedmeasiftosay,“Letmeinsidethatthing,I’mcold.”Icouldn’tsmile,butIdidopenuptheblanketlongenoughforhertomakeherwayin.Iswore,sheknewsomethingwaswrong.She’dbeengluedtomysidesincewefirstarrived.
Ididn’tknowhowlongIhadbeensittingtherewhensuddenlyahotmugofteawaspresentedinfrontofmyface.
Iblinked,comingbacktoearthandfollowingthehandthatheldthemuguptofindmymotherstaringdownatme.
TheolderIgot,themoreIsawhowmuchIfavoredmymother.Itwasn’tjustherlong,thickhairthatIhad,too,orherfairskin.Itwasn’therplumpbottomlipthatmatchedmine,orthewayoureyeswerethesameemeraldgreen.ItwasthatIsawthesadnessthatfeltsoathomeinmyeyesreflectedinhers,sawthedeterminationthatfilledmeemanatingfromher,too.Sheheldherchinhigh,hershoulderssquare,neverafraidtosaywhatshemeantortofaceanythingthatscaredher.
IwasmorelikeherthanIeverrealizedbefore.
WhenIdidn’timmediatelytakethemugfromherhand,shenudgeditcloser,andIheldtheblankettightaroundmewithonefistasIreachedmyotherhandouttotakeholdofthehandle.OnceIhadit,Momsatdownprimlyonthecouchnexttome,sittingnearlyontheedgeofitasshedaintilyliftedhercuptohermouthandtookasip.
Ouroutdoorfurniturewassospotlessitlookedlikeitbelongedinside,thewhitecushionscrispandclean,theteakwoodthatframeditpristineandbeautiful.IrememberedwhenMompickedouttheset,whenDadhadinstructedthemoverswheretoputitalljusttohaveMomchangehermindandDadandmybrotherhadtomoveitallaroundagain.
Butonceshehaditthewayshelikedit,itnevermovedagain.
Italsoneverworeaspeckofdustlongerthanafewhours.
Ididn’thaveanythingtosay,noteventoacknowledgemysurpriseatherjoiningmeonthedeck.She’dbarelytalkedtomesinceI’dbeenhome—mostlybecauseI’dholedupinmyroom—andwhenevershedidtalktome,itwastopressmeforwhatIwasgoingtodonext,howIwasgoingtomoveon.
AsifIknew.
ButIwasthankfulforthehottea,thefirstsipwarmingmeallthewaydowntomytoes.
“Thankyou,”Icroaked,mythroatinshitshapeafterallthecryingandlatenightsofnosleep.
Momnodded,herbackstillramrodstraightasshetookasipofherownteaandthencradledthemugbetweenherhands.
Shelookedoutoverthebeautifullycuratedyardshe’dcreatedovertheyears—thegardenthatwouldmakeHoldenhavewetdreams,theman-madepondandfountain,thestonewalkwaythroughthebeautifultreesandbushesandflowers.Birdsandsquirrelsalikemadethemselvescomfortable,eatingtheseedMomputouteachmorningandswimminginthebathsonhotdays.Thismorning,however,itwasquietandstill,thefogslinkinginheavypatchesthroughthespace.
“So,areyougoingtotellmemoreaboutthisboy?”
Iletoutalongbreath,amomentofregretsinkinginmystomachforhavingtoldherandDadaboutLeoatall.ButwhathappenedbetweenhimandNerowaspartofthereasonIwantedtoleavethewholesituationalone,soithadtobesaid.
“I’drathernot,”Iconfessed.
“BecauseI’msuchanevil,emotionlessmonsterthatIwouldn’tunderstand?”Momassumedwithaharshlaugh.
“BecauseI’mhavingtroublebreathingwithouthiminmylife,”Ishotback.“AndIdon’treallycaretoholdmybloodyheartoutforyoutodissect.”
Momturnedtofaceme,herbrowshingedtogether.Andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawgenuineconcerninhereyes,likeshehatedthatIwasinpainandshecouldn’tdoanythingaboutit.She’dusedtolookatmethatwaywhenIwassick,asifshe’dratherbetheonewiththestomachfluthantoseemegothroughit.
“Maybetalkingaboutitwillhelpratherthanhurt,”sheoffered.
Ididn’trespond.I’dtalkedatlengthaboutittothegirls,eachofthemlisteningandwaitingforwhenIaskedthemfortheiradvice.Iwasthankfultheydidn’tjustofferitwithoutthecue,becausethetruthwasIdidn’tknowifIwasreadytodoanythingaboutanyofit.
BecauseifIwastodosomething,thatwouldmeanoneoftwothings—eitherI’dforgiveLeoandgoback,orI’dnotforgivehimandleavehimbehind.
Bothoptionsmademychestimpossiblytight.
“Howdidyoumeet?”MomaskedwhenIdidn’tspeak.
Alaughofabreathleftmynose.“PlayingHalo.”
Shemadeaface.“ThatGod-awfulgamewegotyouforyourfifteenthbirthday?”
“Theveryone.”
Iexpectedhertowrinklehernoseindistaste,butinstead,itwaslikesomethingclicked.Shepaused,thensmiled,thensatbackalittleonthecouch,relaxingnexttome.
“Huh,”shemused.“Well,thatexplainsalot.”
“Howso?”
“Youweresoweirdthatsummer,”Momsaid.“ThemostemotionalI’deverseenyou.Iblameditonbeingfifteen.That’swhenyoureallystarteddoingyourmakeup.You’dstealmine,youlittlebrat,”sheadded.“Irememberfrettingtoyourfatherabouthowwehadateenagernowandourrealproblemswereabouttobegin.”
“Mywife,fretting?”Dadsaid,andIturnedintimetoseehimswingoutthebackdoorwithacoffeeinhishand.Hesankintotherockingchairacrossfromuswithasmile.“Ican’timagine.”
Momshothimaglare,butasmilethreatenedthecornerofherlips.Justthatlittleinteractionalonemademychestache,mademeclampmyhandstogethertokeepfromreachingformyphonetocallLeo.
AsifPalicosensedit,shenudgedmyknucklessoIwouldpether,instead.
“Butthen…”Momcontinued,frowning.“Nottoolongafterschoolstarted,youreallychanged.AndIdon’tmeaninthepetulantteenagerway.Imean…youwerehurt.”Shepaused.“YourfatherandIknewsomethinghappened,butwedidn’tknowwhat.”
“Andyoudidn’task,”Iadded.
Momtiltedherheadalittlehigher.“Maybewecouldhavedonebetter,”sheadmitted.“Butlet’sbehonest—you’veneverbeenexactlyeasytotalkto.”ShewavedherhandbetweenusasifIwasillustratingherpointatthisverymoment.
AndIsupposedIwas.
ThefactthatmymomwasshowinganactualinterestinmylifeandnottheoneshewishedIwaslivinghadmesofteningabit.Maybeitwasthatalongwithbeingtiredoffeelingsoaloneeveninahousewithmyfamilythathadmeopeningmymouthandspillingeverything.
ItoldthemaboutthatsummerwithLeo,aboutwhathappenedwhenschoolstarted.ItoldthemaboutthehellIwentthroughwiththeteasingoverthatstupiddrawing,andhowIneverliveddownthatawfulnickname.Then,Ifastforwardedtomovingacrossthestreetfromhim,tothissummerwiththepipesandmovingintoThePitandhow,slowly,everythingbetweenusunfolded.
ItwassomehowcolderbythetimeIfinished,eventhoughthesunwasstartingtoclearoutsomeofthefog.Itwasstillacloudyday,andwhenthesundippedbehindoneofthoseclouds,IwrappedmyselfandPalicouptighterintheblanketwithasigh.
“Andthen,whenallofthishappenedwithNero…”Ishookmyhead,notwantingtoreliveit.“Leodidn’tlistentome.Hedidn’tstaywhenIbeggedhimto,didn’ttakeasecondtothinkaboutwhatconsequenceshisactionswouldhave.”Emotionhadmestrugglingtoswallow.“IlosteverythingI’dworkedforintheblinkofaneye,”Iwhispered.“Andinturn,Leolostmytrust.”
Dadletoutaheavysigh.“I’msorry,MareBear.”
Inodded,notsurewhatelsetosay.Momwasquiet,andIdidn’tdarelookatherforfearofthejudgmentI’dfind.Iopenedmymouthtosaythatitwouldallbefine,Ijustneededsometime,whensuddenly…
Momlaughed.
Notaquick,sarcasticlashofachuckle,either,butafullon,belly-deep,hadtoputhercupofteadownsoasnottospillitlaugh.Shetiltedherheaduptotheskyasitbarreledoutofher,andthentearswerestreamingdownherface,andshewaswipingthemawayasshelaughedevenharder.
Ididn’tlaughwithher.Infact,IwatchedherlikesomethingIshouldbeafraidofbeforecastingaworriedglanceatmyfather,silentlyaskingifshewashavingastroke.PalicowassostartledbyitallthatsheskitteredoffmylapandusedherpawtoopenthedoorDadhadleftajar,retreatinginside.
“I’msorry,”Momfinallymanaged,thewordsahigh-pitchedsqueakasshestillstruggledtocatchherbreath.Shereachedoverandsqueezedmykneewithherhand,asifwewerebestfriendsjustyukkingituptogetherandI’djusttoldthemosthilariousjokeshe’deverheard.“It’sjustthatyou’resomuchlikeme,itterrifiesmesometimes.”
Thatmademyothereyebrowshootuptojointhefirst.
ShewavedmeoffbeforeIcouldevenask,wipingtearsfromherfaceasshesatupstraightagain.“Askyourdadwhathappenedonourthree-monthanniversary.”
Iwrinkledmynose.“Youguyscelebratedathree-monthanniversary?”
“Oh,wecelebratedeverythingbackthen,”Dadsaidwithasmilethatsaidhewasrelivingamemory.“EverydayIdidn’tscrewupmychancewithyourmotherwasaspecialoccasion.”
“AndIdidn’tmakeiteasyforhim,”Momadded.
“Imaginethat,”Imused.
Myparentssharedaknowinglook.
“Wehadgonebowling,”Dadexplained.“Andlongstoryshort,someIvyLeagueprickkepthittingonyourmom,regardlessofthefactthatwewereclearlytheretogether.”
“Thisguywasasmokeshow,”Momsaid.
“Hey!”Dadfrowned.
“Andhewasmassive.Atleastafoottallerthanyourdadandahundredpoundsheavier—allmuscle.”
“Ihadmuscle,”Dadsaid,takinganangrysipfromhiscoffee.
“Anyway,thisguyjustkepton,butIwashandlingit.Look,ifIdidn’twantsomeone’sattention,Iwasn’tafraidofthemthinkingIwasab-i-t-c-hwhenItoldthemtogetlost.”
“Youcansaybitch,Mom,”Iinterjected.
Sheignoredmeandcontinued.“Buttowardtheendofthenight,whenIwenttoturninourshoes,thisguycaughtmeatthecounterandputhisarmaroundme.Yourdadcouldn’tseestraight,norcouldhethinkstraight,becausehejustrippedtheguyoffmeandplowedhisfistrightintohisnose.”
Myjawdropped.“Dad?”
Momlookedalmostproudasshenodded.“Oh,yeah.Laidhimoutflatandthenwewerethrownoutofthebowlingalley.Weweren’tallowedtogoback,either.Theguytriedtopresscharges,too,butluckilyforusthejudgecouldseetheywerejustacoupleofstupidkids.”
“Notthatthejudge’sverdicthelpedmewithyourmomatall,”Dadpipedin.“Becauseshe’dcompletelywrittenmeoff.”
“Iwassodone,”sheagreed.“ItoldhimIrefusedtospendmylifewithapig-headedmachomanwhowouldn’trespectmewhenIaskedhimtobackoffandletmehandlemyself.”
Mystomachturnedwithhowfamiliarthatsounded,andhowbeingonthelisteningendofsomeoneelse’sstorymademefeeladifferentwayaboutthatdecision.
“Butyoutookhimback,”Isaid,becauseclearly.
Momsighed,smilingatDad.“Aftertakingafewweekstocooldown,yes,Idid.”
“Whatchangedyourmind?”Iasked.
“Ididn’treallychangemymind,”shesaid.“IstillthoughthewasabigdummyforactingthatwayandItoldhimthat.ButIrealizedthatasmuchasIwasannoyedbywhathedid,Ialsofounditkindofsweet.Ilikedthathewantedtoprotectme.Ilikedthathecaredaboutmesomuchthathecouldn’tthinkstraightandthathe’dliterallypunchedsomeoneinthenose.”
Ismiledalittle,rememberinghowI’dfeltseeingLeolayNerooutontheground.I’dbeenhorrified,angry,andyet…
Ithadalsobeenquitehot.
“Whatshe’sforgettingtosayisthatshefinallystoppedbeingsostubbornandignoringmyflowersandphonecallsanddesperateapologiesenoughtoseethatIwascrazyabouther,”Dadsaid.“Literally.IlovedhersomuchIdidcrazythings,likepunchdudestwicemysize.”
“Intheend,whatIrealizedmorethananythingwasthatwhileitwasn’tthewayIwantedthesituationhandled,itwashowyourdadshowedhelovedme.Hedidn’tpunchthatguyforhisownsatisfaction,”Momsaid.“HediditbecausehesawsomeonetouchingmewhenIdidn’twanttobetouched.”
“Isawmygirlbeingthreatened,”Dadamended.“AndIdidn’tcareaboutanythingelsebutprotectingher.”
“Ew,”Isaidwithalaugh.“That’ssoweirdbutalsosweet?”
DadbeamedlikeI’dcalledhimasuperhero.
“Anyway,”Momcontinued,turningtofaceme.“AllI’msayingisthatmaybeinaweird,cavemanway…thiswasLeoshowinghisaffectionforyou.”
“Helostyouonce,remember?”Dadadded.“Doesitnotmakesensethat,nowthathehadhischancewithyouagain,hewouldbealittlecrazyatthethoughtofsomeoneyoutrustedhurtingyouthewayNerodid?”
Ipressedahandtowheremychestfeltlikeitwassplittinginhalf.
Whydiditmakesomuchsensewhenmyfathersaidit?AndwhywasIjustnowrealizingthatmystubbornnesscamefrommymother—theveryoneI’dalwaysdugmyheelsintodefy?
“Letmeaskyouthis,”MomsaidwhenIdidn’trespondtothem.“Doyoustillcareabouthim?”
Inodded.
“Anddoesitmakeyousicktothinkoflosinghim?”Dadasked.
Myeyesfilledwithtearsonanothernod.
Momchuckled,grabbingmyarmsinherhandsandgivingmealittleshake.“Thenforgivehim,stubborngirl.Andbelievehimwhenhesayshe’slearnedhislesson.Trustme—youcandomuchworsethanamanwholovesyousomuchhecan’tseestraight.”
Thatmademeburstintotears,andMompulledmeintoahug.Dadwasenvelopingusbothinthenextbreath,andIfeltlikealittlegirlagain.Itgavemepermissiontofallapart.
WhenIcouldcatchmybreathagain,Iswipedthetearsfrommyface.“I’mscared,”Iadmitted.
“Well,obviously,”Dadsaid.“Whydoyouthinkyoupushedhimawayinthefirstplace?ThiswasneveraboutthefightwithNero.”
“It’saboutthefactthatyou’reindeep,”Momchimedin.“Anditscaresyoutodeath.So,tocombatthatfear,youpretendlikeyou’reincontrol.Youpushhimawayjusttoprovethatyoucan.”
“It’slikeyouunderstandthefeelingorsomething,”Dadmused.
Momnudgedhimwithasmile.
Then,myphonerang.
ItmadeallofusjumpbecauseIhadtheringerturnedallthewayup.AndwhenwealllookeddowntofindLeo’snameonthescreen,Momswattedmyknee.
“Speakofthedevil,”shesaid.
Ijustblinked,heartinmythroatasIstaredatthephotographonmyscreen.ItwasusonthecouchatThePit,meinLeo’shoodiethatIwasstillwearingnowandhimwrappingmeupfrombehind.HewaskissingmycheekwhileIlaughedandtriedtoshovehimoffme.Itwasdarkandgrainyandblurry.Itwashimwho’dtakenthepictureeventhoughI’dthreatenedhimnotto.
Itwasmyfavoritenow.
Ipickedupthephonewithnumbfingers,andDadkissedmyhairbeforegrabbingMom’shandandtuggingherinsidetoleavemealone.
Itappedthegreenbuttononthescreentoacceptthecall.
AndthenLeowasthere.
Helookedsogoodithurt.
Hemusthavejusthadashowerbecausehishairwasslightlydamp,abitmussed,hisjawfreshlyshaven.Thereweredarkbagsunderhiseyes,buttheylitupwhenIanswered,andhesuckedinabreathofsurprise,droppinghischainsthathe’dbeenchewingon.
“Hi,”hebreathed.
Myheart.
ItsqueezedsopainfullytightIhiccupped.
“Hi,”Isaid.
Leolickedhisbottomlip,shakinghishead.“I’msorry,I…IknowIsaidI’dleaveyoualone.AndIam.Iwill,”heamended.“Ijust…”
Heswallowed,unabletofinishthethought.Andforamoment,wejuststaredateachother,asiftheotherwasn’treal.
“Canyoucheckyourmail?”hefinallysaid.“Isentyousomething.”
Ifrowned,gettingupandpullingtheblanketsnugaroundmeasIpaddedinside.DadalwaysdumpedthemailonthekitchencounterbeforeMomwouldsortthroughit,andeverythingwasalreadyinneatpiles.
Therewasalarge,thickenvelopeaddressedtome.
Iproppedthephoneagainstacandleandcarefullyopenedit,pullingoutabrickredjerseywithgoldtrimsleeves.
“Therivalrygameisintwodays,”hesaidasIunfoldedit.Ihelditup,usingitasabarriertocovermysmilewhenIsawthatitwashisjersey,thenumberthirteenandhislastnamesprawledacrosstheback.
Iloweredit,findingLeostaringbackatmehopefully.
“Ihaveaticketwaitingforyouatwillcall,”hesaid.AndbeforeIcouldreply,hehurriedlyadded,“Youdon’thavetocome.Iunderstandifyoudon’twantto.Ijust…Iwantedyoutoknowthatyouhaveaticket.”Heswallowed,shakinghishead.“No,IwantedyoutoknowthatIwantyoutobethere.”
Iswallowed,lookingdownatthejerseyinmyhandswithmyparents’wordscirclinginmymind.
“I’msorryIwentbackonmypromisetoleaveyoualone,”hesaid,thecornerofhismouthcrookingupabit.“Buttobefair,IwarnedyouI’dlikelyleaveyoudisappointed.”
Someoneyelledhisnameinthebackground,andhecursedjustasPalicohoppedupontothetable.Icarefullydrapedthejerseyoverthebackofoneofourdiningchairsandpulledthecatintomyarms.
“Ihavetogo,”Leosaid.“We’re—”
Thephonewassnatchedoutofhishandthen,andafteradizzyingblur,Kylewasstaringbackatme.
“Mary!”Hegasped.“Palico!”
Thatcausedascufflebehindhim,andthenBradenandBlakewereflankinghissides,allbattlingtofillthescreen.
“Palico!”BradenandBlakesaidinunison,andthentheywereallfussingoverthecat,tellingithowmuchtheymisseditwhileIbitbackasmileandheldherattherightangleforthemtoadoreher.
“Wemissyou,too,Mary,”Bradensaid.“Ineedmyyogabuddy.”
“AndIneedtoknowhowyoueverkeptthisplaceclean,”Blakeaddedgrimly.“Becausewe’restrugglinghere.”
“PancakesonSundaymorningaren’tthesamewithoutyou,”Kyleadded,andwitheachwordtheysaid,myeyesstungmore.
“Missyouguys,too,”Imanaged.
Leowrangledthephoneback,andafterpunchingeachofhisroommatesinthearm,helookeddownatthescreen.“Sorryaboutthat.”
Ismiled.“It’sokay.”
Anotherlongsilencefellbetweenus.Iwantedtosaysomething,butIdidn’tknowwhat.Istillhadn’tsortedthroughallthethoughtsswimminginmyhead,soIjuststaredathimwiththefiercestlonginginmychest.
“You’rewearingmyhoodie,”hesaid.
IglanceddownatwhereIheldPalicoinmyarms,theblanketonthegroundatmyfeetnow.Then,Ilookedbackatthescreenandhelplesslyshrugged,stillunabletoputwordstoanything.
Ofcourse,I’mwearingyourhoodie,Iwantedtosay.I’mpretendingitsarmswrappedaroundmeareyou.
“Okay,well.I’llletyougo,”Leofinallysaid.Heswallowed,openinghismouthlikehewantedtosaysomethingelse.Buthecloseditagain.
“Goodluckatthegame,”Imanaged.
Henodded,andjustbeforethecallwascut,Isawhisfacetwistlikeitphysicallypainedhimtoendit.
IsatPalicodownthen,pickingupthejerseyagainandsmoothingthefabricbetweenmyfingers.Ibroughtittomynose,inhaling,butitwasbrandnewanddidn’tsmelllikeanythingatall,letaloneliketheplayeritrepresented.
ButIrememberedthatsmell,evenwithoutitbeingpresent.
Leowasapartofme—hisscent,thewayhisarmsfeltaroundme,thevibrationofhisdeep-chestedlaugh,thesoftnessofhisheart.
AndIwasfinallyreadytoadmitwhatI’dknownallalong.
Iwasterrifiedofhimhurtingmeagain,oflosinghim,ofgivinghimmytrustonlytoendupwithabrokenheart.
ButIdidn’thaveachoiceinthematter.
ItwasariskIwouldtake,oneIcouldn’tescape,becausethealternativewastogivehimupnow.
AndIcouldn’tdothat.
Ilovedhim.
Ilovedhim.
TherealizationshockedmesomuchInearlyfellover,butatthesametime,itwasasifithadbeenthereallalong.Itwaslikemybrainwassaying,“Duh,bitch,”whileIgrappledwiththenewdiscovery.
Istillhadsomuchtofigureout.IstillwantedtoholdNeroresponsibleforwhathedidtome,forwhatheprobablydidtoothers.IstillhadtofigureoutwhereIwentfromhere,whatmyfutureheld.
ButIknewthatregardlessofhowanyofthatunfolded,IwantedtodoitallwithLeobymyside.
Somethingbetweenalaughandasobrippedoutofme,andIcoveredmymouth,shakingmyheadasIstaredatthejerseystillinmyotherhand.
Then,Ipickedupmyphoneagain,dialingthegroupchatonavideocall.
Julepansweredfirst,andthenRiley,withGiana’sscreengoingblackatfirstbeforehersleepyfacecameintoview,herhairawildbird’snest.Whentheywereallthere,Iproppedthephoneagainstthecandleagainandheldupthejersey.
“Alright,”Isaid.“HowthehelldoIstylethisthing?”
Iwasmetwithachorusofdelightedscreams.Leo
TheSouthHartfordUniversity’sfootballstadiumwassoloudmyearswerealreadyringing.
Ourrivalryhadgrownovertheyears,andanytimewecametotheirturf,weweregreetedbyloudjeersfromtheirfans,ashittylockerroom,andateamfullofmassiveguysjustitchingtotakeustotheground.
NorthBostonUniversitywasatoughteam,butwewerealsotrainedtorespectouropponentsandtheschoolswevisited.SHU,ontheotherhand,wasn’taboveplayingdirty.Theywantedtohurtus.They’dlovetoseeoneofusbenchedafteraplaywherewewereknockeddownhard.Andaboveeverything,theywantedtowin.
Butsodidwe.
Thelockerroomhadbeenquietafterwarmups,withourtrainingstafftapingupthelastoftheplayersastherestofusbouncedtostaywarm.Icouldfeelthenervesofeveryone,especiallyBlake,andI’djumpedupononeofthebenchestocalleveryonetogether.
“Thismaynotbeourhouse,butthisisourwin.Ourseason.Ourchancetoprovewe’renotaoneanddonechampionshipteam.Nearlyeveryoneinthisstadiumwantstoseeuslose,alongwithmostofthecountry.Noonewantstocheerfortheteamthat’salreadyontop.”I’dgrinnedthen,hittingmychest.“Butthat’sjusttoofuckingbadforthem.”
Thelockerroomhadroared,andwhenClayjumpedupbesidemeandstartedachant,wefireduppastallthenerves,runningthroughthetunnelandoutontothefieldlikeitwasouruniversityinsteadofSHU.
Ourfanshadshownupforus,rivalingtheboosthatcamefromSouthHartfordasweranout.Ilovedknowingweweretakingupalmosthalfthespace,thatitwasn’tahousefulloftheirfanslikeitusuallywas.ButwhenIquicklyglancedattheNBUfriendsandfamilysectionanddidn’tseeMary,mystomachdropped.
Herseatwasempty.
Itriedtoignoreit,mouthclampedshutasIjoggedoutwiththerestoftheteam.Ionlyhadamomentonthesidelinebeforeitwastimeformetojointherefsinthemiddleofthefieldforthecointoss.
Ichancedaglanceagain.
Stillempty.
Icouldn’tshakeoffthatsecondlook.Istaredattheseatwithmyheartbeatingloudinmyears.
Ithoughtshe’dcome.
She’dansweredmycall.Thatalonehadgivenmemorehopethanitprobablyshouldhave.Toseeherstillwearingmyhoodie?Thathadmeflyinghigh.Andshe’dsmiled.She’dtoldmegoodluck.Shehadn’tsaidshewouldbeherebut…
I’dstupidlybelievedwithoutadoubtthatshewouldbe.
“Captain,”therefsaid,andIblinked,findinghimandtheplayerfromtheotherteamwatchingmeliketheysawjusthowstupidIwas.
“Tails,”IsaidwhenIrealizedtheywerewaitingformycall.
Thecoinwasflipped.Wewon.Wedeferred.Andthen,thegamebegan.
OtherthancheckingthestandseverytwosecondstoseeifMaryhadshown,Iwaslockedinandfocusedonthegame.Callingitagameatallfeltwrong.
Itwasabloodbath,abattle,awar
Ourdefenseheldthemtothreeandoutontheirfirstdrive,andthenwithasickreturnfromZeke,wemanagedtoscorewithourfirstpossession.ThatonlyfiredSHUupmore,andtwoplaysintoournextpossession,Kylewastakendowninaghastlytacklethathadhimrollingonthegroundinpain.
Itwasaconcussion.Iknewwithouthavingtohearitconfirmed.
Ourtrainingstaffhelpedhimupandhewalkedoffthefield,allthewaybackthroughthetunneltothelockerroom.Weknewhewasn’tcomingback.
Andnow,weweredownourbesttightend.
ThemomentumshiftedtoSouthHartford,andtheyscoredontheirnextdrivebeforepickingoffBlakeandgettingadefensivetouchdown,too.
Itwentonlikethis,backandforth,bothteamsgrindinglikeitwasthechampionshipgamerightnowinsteadofarivalry.Wewereallbeatupwhenwelimpedintothelockerroomathalftime,andweweredownbyten.
IexpectedBlaketofeeldefeatedalready.He’dbeenpickedofftwice.Hesurprisedmeinthelockerroom,though,huddlingtheteamtogetherandremindinguswhatwewerefightingfor.
Withushavingfirstpossessionofthesecondhalf,wedrovedownstrongandsteadyforatouchdown.
Andstill,Marywasn’tinthestands.
Defensewasbattling,tryingtoholdSouthHartfordtoakickwhenZekecameandputahandonmyshoulderonthesideline.
“Youokay,man?”
Inodded,butcouldn’tverballyassurehimormyself.Iwashere.Iwaslockedintothegame.
ButIalsowasn’there,notreally.
Myheadwaswherevershewas.
“It’snotover,”hesaid,abitlowerthistime.“Maybeshejustneedsmoretime.”
Itriedwitheverythinginmenottobreakdownandcrywhenhesaidit.
Withanothernod,Ifacedhim.“Let’sjustwinthisgame.”
“Damnright,”hesaid,slappingmyhelmetbeforehejoggedovertoRiley.
Thelongerthegamewent,themoregruelingitbecame,andthecrowdwassoalivewithenergyitwasimpossiblenottobuzzrightalongwiththem.Iwashavingamonstergame,andeverythingwasgoingrightforus—butwewerestilldownbysixbythetimewegottheballbackinthefourthquarter.
Therewasjustovertwominutesleft.
Itwasdoordie.
Ipulledmyhelmeton,joggingoutontothefieldafterZekegotusthebestreturnhecould.Evenwithit,westillhadsixty-threeyardstodrivedownthefieldforatouchdown.Akickwouldn’twinoreventie.Ithadtobeatouchdown.
AsIhuddledwithBlakeandtherestoftheoffense,listeningtohimcallourfirstplay,Ifeltanall-encompassingZenwashoverme.Itwaslikeallthenoiseclearedout,thecheersfallingmute,mybreathssteadying,andevenBlakesoundedlikehewaswhisperinginsteadofshoutingoverthenoiseofthefans.
Wehavethis,Isaidtomyself,andIfeltitdeepdowninmyfuckingsoul.
Withoutthinking,IlookedupoverBlake’sheadtotheemptyseatinthestands.
Butitwasn’temptyanymore.
Marywastherenow,herlongblondehairshininginthelastbitofsunlightandgivingheraway.WhensherealizedIwaslookingather,sheclimbeduptostandinherseat,tallerthantheseaoffansaroundher.
Shewaswearingmyjersey.
Evenfromthedistance,Icouldmakeouthersmile,anditmademyheartskipabeatbeforeitkickedbacktolifeandracedlikeamotherfuckinghorse.
Slowly,herhandsliftedoverherhead,holdingalargewhitesignwithblackmarkerlettering.
Dibson#13.
Icouldn’tcontainit.Alaughthatwassomethingmoreofacryrushedoutofme,andBlakepausedwherehe’dbeencallingtheplay.Hefollowedmygazeoverhisshoulder,andthengavemeaknowinggrinwhenheturnedbacktothegroup.
“Let’swinthis,”hesaidtous,andthenhenoddedhisheadatme.“Someofushaveagirltoimpress.”
Afewoftheguysthumpedmeonthehelmet,makingsmart-assremarksthatItookwiththegoofiestgrinI’deverwornstretchingmyface.Theycouldhoundonmealltheywantedto.Nothingcouldgettome,notnowthatshewashere.
Weclappedourhandsandsprintedtoourspotsonthelinewithsevensecondsleftontheplayclock.
Justbeforetheballwassnapped,IlookedbackuptoMaryinthestands.
Shehadmynumberonherchest.
Andmyheartinherhands.Mary
IwassooutofbreathbythetimeImadeittomyseatinthestadiumthatIwasseeingblackspotsattheedgesofmyvision.Afterbeingstuckonthehighwayduetoanaccidentthatshutdownallthreelanes,I’dspentthelasttwohourscursingandprayingandthenspeedingtogetherewithliterallytwominutesleftinthegame.
Thatdidn’tstopmefromstandingonmychairandmakingsureLeosawthatIwashere.
Icollapsedbackdownintomyseatjustintimefortheirfirstplayofthedrive.Beforethisseason,Iknewabsolutelynothingaboutfootball—mostlybecauseI’davoideditatallcosts,thankstoLeo.ButafterplayingMaddenwiththeguysandgoingtoafewgamesnow,Iwaspickingitup.
Itwasthepenaltiesthatalwaysconfusedme.
That’swhywhenthewhistleblewafterLeopickedupanimpressivenineteenyardsandtheycalledholdingontheoffense,Iwasconfused,watchingthemmovefifteenyardsbackinsteadofthenineteenyardsLeohadmovedthemforward.
Icursedundermybreath,lookingatthetimeontheclockandthescorewithapitinmystomach.
MaybeIwasbadluck.
ItwouldbethefirstrivalrygameIattendthattheylose.
“God,LeoHernandezissofuckinghot.”
Iblinked,findingthesourceofthecommentthatsnappedmeoutofmydazebelongingtoagirlsittingintheseatinfrontofme.Sheshookherhead,herredponytailswingingabitasshenudgedherfriend.ShewaswearingLeo’sjersey,too,butherswasanolderversion.
“Wemadeoutaftertherivalrygamelastyear,”shesaidproudly.“Thinklightningcanstriketwice?”
Herfriendsnorted.“I’llprayforyou.I’mstillinmourningthatClayJohnsonisoffthemarket.”
Thefirstgirlsighedwithher.“Yeah.Thatjaggedpillwillneverbeeasytoswallow.”
Icouldn’tbitebackthesmilethatstretchedonmyface.Ialsocouldn’twaittotellGiana.Butmorethananything,Icouldn’twaittoshowthatfirstgirljusthowwrongshewasaboutwhereLeowouldbeafterthegame.
Theballwashiked,andBlakewassacked.
ThecrowdwasamixtureofohhsfromourfansandcheersfromSouthHartford.Igrimaced,lookingathowwenowhadtwenty-oneyardstogoonaseconddownwithjustoveraminutelefttoplay.SHUfanswerealreadygettingreadytocelebratetheirwin,blowingairhornsandpopsofconfetti.NeitherwereallowedatNBU,andnowthatIrealizedhowannoyingtheywere,Iunderstoodwhy.
Ikeptmyeyesonthefield,onLeo,bitingmythumbnailandchantingasilentprayer.
Comeon,comeon.
Theballwassnapped,andthistime,Blakefoundareceiver—buttheywerestilleightyardsshortofthefirstdown.
Andnow,itwasthirddown.
“Fuck,”someoneyelledbesideme.
“We’retoast,”someoneelsesaid.
“Nah,wegotthis.We’llgetthefirsthere.”
“There’slessthanaminutetoplay.Wehavethewholefuckingfieldtogo.”
“God,walkingoutofhereisgoingtosuckifwelose.”
Thechatterwastooloudtoignore,andwhenCoachLeecalledatimeoutfromthesidelines,IletoutasmuchofanexhaleasIcould,stretchingoutmyfingersIdidn’trealizeI’dbeenwringingtogether.
TheteamhuddledaroundBlake,allofthemtalkingadamantly.InoticedheandLeowerehavingaparticularlyheatedexchange,andafteramoment,LeocrossedthehuddleandputhishandsonBlake’shelmet.Hesaidsomethingtohimbeforetappinghisownhelmetagainsthisquarterback’s,andBlakewatchedhimforamomentbeforenodding.
Theteamlookedalittlenervousastheyclappedandgotbackontheline,andonceagain,mystomachtightenedintoathick,knottedball.
Leolinedupatthefaredgeofthefield.
Andastheplayclocktickeddown,hestoodstraightandpointeddirectlyatmewithasmirkIknewwasthereeventhroughhisfacemask.
“Oh,myGod!”thegirlinfrontofmesquealed,clutchingherfriend’sarm.“Didyouseethat?!Hepointedatme!”
Irolledmyeyes,laughingtomyselfasLeocrouchedbackdown.Andwhentheballwassnapped,hetookoffdownthefieldasfastandsleekasaleopard.
“Wait,whatthefuck?”someonesaid.
“Whyisourrunningbackjettingdownthefieldwithouttheball?”
“Fuck,O-lineiscrumbling.He’sgoingtogetsacked!”
“Wait!”
“Ohshit,it’saHailMary!”
Itfeltliketheentirestadium—no,theentireworld—fellsilentthemomentBlakelaunchedtheballintotheair.Hewastakendowntothegroundassoonasitlefthishands,andtheneveryonefollowedtheballasitsailedthroughtheairtowardtheothersideofthefield.
TheothersideofthefieldwhereLeowasnowsprinting.
Thedefensecaughtontooslow,mostofthecoverageonthereceiverstheythoughtBlakewastryingtohit.NoonenoticedLeountilitwastoolate,andeventhoughtheirfastestplayercaughtuptohim,itwasn’tenoughtoblockthecatch.
Leoleaptupintotheendzoneandpluckedtheballfromtheair,cradlingittohimashetuckedandrolled.Hecontrolledittheentireway,poppingbackuptostandandholdingtheballvictoriouslywithonehand.
Touchdown.
Thestadiumwentapeshit.Theteamswarmedhim,BradenandClaypickinghimupandcarryinghimlikeakingashecelebrated.Butthentheyhadtogetoffthefield,clearingitsoRileycouldmakethegame-winningextrapoint.
Andshedid.
TherewereonlyninesecondsleftontheclockwhenwepuntedtheballbacktoSHU,buttheycouldn’tdoanythingwithit.Andwhilealltheirfanssatinshockanddisbeliefatwhathadoccurred,ourswentabsolutelyinsane.
Thegamehadnosoonerendedbeforethefieldwasswarmingwithplayers,staff,andmediaalike.Leohadcamerasandreportersallaroundhimasheshookhandswithsomeplayersfromtheotherteam,buthelookedupandfoundmethroughthemadness.
Ismiled,standinginmychairagainandholdingupthesignI’dmade.
Hepulledoffhishelmet,andIsawtheflashofhisteethbeforehewassprinting.
Leoshovedthroughthecrowd,decliningeverymicrophonethatwasthrustinhisfaceashemadeabeelineforthesectionIwasin.Witharunningstart,heleaptovertheconcretewallthatseparatedthestandsfromthefield,andthenhewastakingthebleacherstepstwoatatime.
Myheartracedinmyearswitheverystep.
IhadonlyasecondtolaughatthegirlinfrontofmewhoaboutpassedoutthinkingLeowasrunningtoherbeforehebarreledrightpastandintomyrow.Hemutteredexcusemetothepeoplehehadtoshimmypast,allwhowereclappinghimontheshoulderandcongratulatinghimonthewin.
Afterthat,Iwassweptintohisarms.
Leocrushedmetohim,liftingmeallthewayoffthegroundashedid.Iwrappedmyarmsfiercelyaroundhim,squeezingmyeyesshutaswebothexhaledinreliefatfinallybeingtogetheragain.Iclungtohimlikehewoulddisappear,andheheldmetightenoughtobruise.IfaintlyregisteredthefanscheeringaroundusasLeopulledbackenoughtocapturemymouthwithhisown.
ItwasakissIfeltallthewaydowntomytoes.Itstirredmydesireasmuchasitsoothedmyachingheart.Itwasthefeelingofcominghomeafteralongtrip.ItwasChristmasmorningandasunsetonthebeach.Itwasanightspentbetweenthesheetsandadayofperfectsunshine.
ItwasLeo,anditwasme.
Itwasus
Ineverknewhowmuchpowerwehelduntilthatkissshowedittome.
“I’msosorry,”Leoyelledoverthenoise,hischestheaving.Hestillheldmesoclose,likehewasafraidI’ddisappear.“I’msofuckingsorry.”
“I’msorry,too,”Iyelledinreturn.“I’djustbeenassaulted,andIlostmyjob,andI…”MychestachedathowstupidI’dbeen.“Ijusttookoutallthatfearonyou,ontopofalreadybeingscaredofus.ItookitoutonyoubecauseIwantedtohavecontroloversomething.Itookitoutonyoubecause—”
“Youneverhavetoapologizetome,”hesaid,shakinghisheadandsilencingmewithakiss.“Youcantakeanythingoutonmebecauseyouknowwhat?Icanhandleit.Icantakeit.Icangotowarforyou,orwithyou,ifit’swhatyouneed.”
Ichokedonsomethingofalaughatthat.“I’mamess,”Isaid.“AndIhatetoscareyouoffnowthatIhaveyouagain,butI’mafraidI’mlikemymother.”
Leofrowned,confused.
“I’mstubborn,”Iclarified.“Andsomethingtellsmeit’llonlygetworsewithage.”
Leosmiledatthat,lettingoutalongexhalelikehe’djustrememberedtobreathe.Hebrushedmyhairback,tiltingmychin.
“Nomatterwhatlifethrowsatus,whatyouthrowatme—wewillmakeit.Juststay,”hesaid,kissingmeagain.“That’sallIneed.Stay,andIpromise,nomatterwhathappens,I’llmakeitright.”
“Youmayregretthosewordsoneday,”Iwarnedhim,knowingthechaoticdisasterItendedtobe.
ButLeoshookhishead,hislipsfindingmineasheliftedmeagain.
“Never,”hepromised.
AndIbelievedhim—witheverymessyinchofmyheart.Leo
“Ithinkyoumightactuallyrubmyskinrawifyoukeepkissingmelikethat,”Marysaid,hersleepysmilethemostbeautifulthingI’deverseenasItrailedsoft,lazykissesoverhershoulder.
“I’mcounting,”Isaid,plantinganother.“AnduntilIgettoathousand,you’restuckhere.”
Shechuckled,pullingmebackdownintothesheetswithhersothatmynextkisswasonhermouth.
Ihadn’tevenhadtosayawordtoBlakeafterthegameforhimtopackuphisshitandleavetheroomwe’dbeenassignedtoatthehotel.HehadcrackedajokeortwotoMaryonhiswayout,butIwasthankfulthatheknewwe’dwantthenightalonetogether,thathehadn’tmadeabigdealofit.Wewereteammates,brothers,andIknewhe’dsleeponapulloutcouchinanotherroomifhehadto.
Assoonaswewerealone,it’dbeenablurofclothesbeingshed.Wewerebothsostarvedforeachotherthatweskippedoverforeplayaltogether,andIwasfuckingherintothemattresswithinfiveminutes.Webothcamefast,sweatingandpantingandclingingtoeachotherlikewe’dhadourfirstsipofwaterafterwalkinginthedesertforaweek.
Butwewerestillthirsty.
Ifeltitineverylong,slow,intentionaltouchfromheraswelaidinbedafterourshower.Neitherofusbotheredtoputclothesonagain,andIreveledinthefeelofherbodypressedagainstmine,inthebiteofmetalfromherpiercings,thesoftnessofherthighssandwichingminebetweenthem.
“God,Iwasmiserablewithoutyou,”Iconfessedintoherneck.
Shesqueezedmetighter.“Iwasamess,too.”
“IthoughtI’dlostyouagain.Ithought…”Ishookmyhead,andthenIwaspullingherincloser,likeevenacentimeterofspacebetweenuswastoomuch.“HaveIapologizedenoughyet?BecauseIreallywanttosayI’msorryanothermilliontimes.Oh!IcouldstartsayingitinSpanish.Losiento.Losientomucho.”
Marykissedmyhair.“SaveyourapologiesforthenexttimeI’mastubbornwitch.”
“Witch,”Imusedwithalaugh,leaninguponmyelbowssoIcouldlookdownather.“That’sprettyaccurate,consideringthespellyouhavemeunder.”
“Mmm,”shemused,trailingherfingertipdownmychest.“IwonderwhatIcanusemypowerstomakeyoudo…”
“Ithinkatthispointweknowtheanswertothatisanything.”
Marybitherlip,shakingherheadonalong,satedsigh.Shekepttrailinglinesonmyskin,herexpressionsoftening.“So…whatnow?”
“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Tobetogether,”shesaid,liftinghereyestomine.“Reallybetogether.”
“Asiftherewasanotheroption.”
Shesmiledabit.“Ijustmean…Iknowthere’sapossibilityofyougettingdrafted.And,ifyoudo…”
Iarchedabrow,waiting.“Sayit.Whatdoyouwant,Mary?”
Sheglaredatme,buthersmilebrokethrough.“You’resuchanass.”
“Ijustliketohearmygirlconfesshowbadlyshewantsme,”Iarguedwitharollofmyhipsintoher.Iwascoveringherinkissesagainasshewrappedherarmsaroundme,hersoftlaughthesweetestsound.
“Fine,”sheconceded,makingmestopwithahandpressingagainstmychest.“Iwanttogowithyou.”
“Sayitagain.”
“Iwanttogowithyou,”shesaidlouder,pinchingmeintheside.“Youcockysonofabitch.”
IresistedtheurgetomakeajokeaboutjusthowcockyIcouldbe—mostlybecauseIwashighoffhersayingshewantedtogowithmeifIwasdrafted.
WhenIwasdrafted.
“Whatelse?”Iasked.
Sheconsidered.“Well,Iwanttofigureoutawaytotattoowhereverweendup.”
“Youwill.”
Marydidn’tseemasconfident.“BeforeIcanmoveforward,IhavetodealwithwhathappenedwithNero.”Shecurledintomealittlethen.“Ithink…IthinkIwanttotalktotheothergirlsattheshop,seeifanyofthemwentthroughwhatIdid.Mywordagainsthisisn’tmuch,butiftherearemorethanus?”
Inodded.
“And…God,itmakesmesicktoconsider,but…IthinkIneedtotellhiswife.”
“I’mwithyou,”Isaid.“Whateveryouwanttodo.AndIpromisenottopunchthefuckerinthefaceagain.Oranyotherplace—eventhoughIstillstandfirmthathedeservesadickpunch.”
Marylaughed.“Ihaveaconfession.”
“Mm?”
“Iactuallyfounditreallyhotwhenyoulaidhimout.”
Myjawdropped.“Andyoumademepayforitwithweeksofmisery?!”
“Justbecauseitturnedmeondidn’tmeanIwasn’tstillpissed!”
“Itturnedyouon?”Ismirkedagainstherskin.“Inthatcase,ItakebackwhatIsaidaboutitneverhappeningagain.”
Ismotheredherwithanotherroundofkisseswhileshesquirmed,andIknewIcouldstayjustlikethat,inbedwithher,forever,andIwouldlivethehappiestlife.
“Idon’tknowwhatwillhappenwithhim,ifanything.AndIreservetherighttochangemymind,”shesaid.“But…Iwanttoatleasttry.Idon’twanthimtokeepdoingthistoothergirls.”
Inodded,leaninguponmyelbowsoIcouldbrushherhairfromherface.“I’mwithyou.And,whenyoudohaveyourownchairagain,Ihavealonglistofclientsforyou.”
Maryfrowned.
“TheentireNBUfootballteam.”
Atthat,shelaughed.“Right.”
“I’mserious.Theyloveyourwork.Theyallwantin.So,whenyouhaveachairagain,you’llbebusy.”
“IfIhaveachairagain.”
“Youwill.Infact,whenIgetsigned,youcanbetyoursweetassthatfatsigningbonusIgetwillgotoopeningupyourownshop.”
Marybitherlip.“Ihavealwayswantedtoopenmyown…Iwasthinkingmaybeonewithallfemaleartists.Arealbadbitchspot.Palicocouldbeourshopcat.”
“See?Thatassholecan’tkeepyoudownforlong.”
“I’dneveruseyourmoneyforit,though.”
“Likeyouhaveachoice,”Isaid.“Besides,it’sourmoney.”
“We’renotmarried,Leo.”
MytonguehurtfromhowhardIhadtoholditbackfromsayingyet
“Ifyougetabonus,youshouldinvestit.”
“Nah,toosafe,”Isaid,butIwasdonetalking,andIletherknowwithaslowtrailofmyfingersdownhershoulderandovertheswellsofherbreasts.HerbreathcaughtwhenIthumbedherpiercing,hernipplepebblingbeneaththetouch.
“Whathappensifyoudon’tgetdrafted,”shemanagedthrougharaspybreath.“AndInevertattooagain?”
Ishrugged.“Weselleverythingweownandmovetoanewcountryandfigureoutwhowewanttobenext.”Iflippedheruntilshewasonherback,untilIwasbetweenherlegs.“Whereverwego,whateverwedo,youbelongtome,”Isaid,kissingalongherjaw.“AndIbelongtoyou.”
Marygrabbedmyfaceinherhands,stoppingmesoIhadnochoicebuttolookather.
“Iloveyou,”shesaid.
Mychestsqueezed,heartthrobbinginsideit.“Fuck,Ilovetohearthat.”
“Iloveyou,”sherepeated,wrappingherlegsaroundmeandpullingmeflushagainsther.
“Teamo,cari?o,”Iechoed,claiminghermouthwithahard,demandingkiss.
Sheopenedformethen,lettingmytonguesweepintodancewithhersasherhipswidened.Shewasalreadywet,mycockslidingbetweenherlipsandmakingusbothinhaleonagroan.ButI’dravagedheroncetonightinafrenzy.
Now,Iwantedtotakemytime.
“Comehere,”Irasped,climbingoffofherandthebedaltogether.Istoodattheedgeofit,strokingmycockwhereshe’dslickedmewithherdesire.
Mary’seyesweregluedtomyfistasIpumped,herbreastsheaving,everycurveofherondisplayinthesheetswhereshewaitedformyinstruction.
“Lieonyourback,”Isaid.“Iwantyourheadrighthere.”
Ipointedtotheedgeofthebedinfrontofme,andshemaneuveredherselfdown,shimmyinguntilshewaslyingundermewithhereyescastupandwaitingagain.
Shewassofuckinggorgeousithurt.
Herkneesweretogether,asifshewassuddenlyshy,butherhandsstillroamedherbody,pluckingatherpiercingsandtrailingeverylushcurve.Iletmyeyesroamslowlyovereverycolorofinkthatsprawledherskin—blackandblueandredandgreen,brightorangeanddeepviolet.MychesthummedwithpossessionasIdid,likeakingmarvelingathisriches.
“Scootup,”Itoldher.“Hangyourheadoffthebed.”
MarydidasItoldherto,andIcursedatthesightofherthroatarched,herbodystretchingoutevenmoreacrossthewhitesheets.
“Now,”Isaid,carefullycradlingherheadinonehandasIfistedmyselfintheother.“Openthatprettymouth.”
Shedid,stickingoutherpinktongueasawelcomesign.Isteppedincloser,guidingmycrowntohermouth.Islickeditwithhertongueinslow,torturouscirclesthatelicitedadeepgroanfrommeandadesperatewhimperfromMarybeforeIslowlypressedinside,allthewayuntilherlipshadnochoicebuttowraparoundme.
“Fuck,”Icursed,closingmyeyesandlettingmyheadfallbackatthesensation.Iwasn’tevenathirdofthewayinsideher,butthesightofherstretchedout,theangle,thefeelofhertongueasitswirledaroundme…itwasenoughtomakemecomerightthen.
Mary’shandsreachedformyasstopullmeindeeper,andIlether,flexingabitmoreuntilshegagged.Ipulledoutthen,lettinghercatchherbreath.Then,Iwashingingatthewaist,mycockhardandhoveringathermouth,waitingforhertotakeitagain,allwhileIkissedalongherbreasts,herstomach,untilmytonguecouldreachherclit
Sheshookviolentlyatthefirsttaste,andIbracedmykneesagainsttheedgeofthemattresstoholdmyselfsteadyassheplayedwithmycrownagain,matchingmyteasesagainstherclit.Ilickedandsheswirled,Isuckedandshegagged.Itwasasweet,sadisticgameofcatandmouse,bothofusteasingtheothertoseewhowouldbreakfirst.
WhenMarybuckedherhipsagainstmymouth,givingmenochoicebuttorunmytongueflatandhotalongthelengthofher,sheshudderedbeneathme,moaningaroundwheremycockwasinhermouth.
“Doesmygirlneedmore?”Iteased,breathingagainstherbeforeIlickedherinalong,hotsweepagain.
“Please,”shebegged,andshebarelygotthewordoutbeforeIheldontoherthighsandburiedmyfacebetweenthem.
Iateherpussylikeastarvedman,lickingandsuckingandslowlyinchingonefingerinsidehertocurlalongwiththerhythmmytonguewasstrokingagainsther.Icouldn’tevenfocusonthewayshewasteasingme,becausemysingularfocushadshiftedtoherpleasure.
“Focus,baby,”Itoldherwithanotherflickofmytongue.“Canyoucomeformeagaintonight?”
Awhimpered,“Yes,”floatedintotheairlikeaspell.
MarystilllickedalongmyshaftasIplayedwithher,butwhenIcurledtwofingersinsideandsuckedherclitinthewayIknewgavehertherightamountoffriction,Ifeltherfocusshift,too.Shewasstillsuckingme,butitwaslazyandslow,distracted,allwhileherhipswidened,herkneesstretchingopen,pelvisbuckinguptoreachforherrelease.
“That’sit,”Ipraisedher.“Findit.Iwanttheselegsshakingforme.Iwanttohearyouscream.”
Shemoaned,andthenshepulledhermouthawayfrommyshaftsoIcouldsoakupeverysighandwhimperandcryasIfoundtherightspottomakehershatter.
Mynamewasarepeatedprayeronherlipsasshedid,andherhandsfistedinmyhair,holdingmetoherasshegroundherhipsagainstme.Igrabbedherthightighterwithmyfreehand,theotherworkinginsideherintimewithmymouthonherclit.AndonlywhenshesaggedintothebedlikedeadweightdidIstop,carefullyremovingmyfingersassheshudderedandclungtomelikeIwasallthatheldherfromfloatingoffintospace.
“Goodgirl,”Ibreathedagainsther,pressingalightkisstoherclitthatmadehershakeagain.
“Fuck,”shebreathed,hereyeshoodedasIstoodagain.Butwhenshewenttomove,Ipressedherbackintothesheets.
“Notyet,mialma,”Isaid,sweepingherhairfromherface.“Iwanttofuckthatsweetmouth.”
Marylickedherlips,coatingthembeforesheopenedwideandstuckouthertongueformeagain.ShewasalreadypullingmetoherbeforeIcouldwrapafistaroundmyself,likeshewasstarvedformenow.
Ilethertakecontrol,groaningassheslickedmeandtookmeininchbyblissfulinch.Shecouldstillonlygetalittleunderhalfofmeinsidebeforeshe’dgag,butsheusedherhandsandworkedthemintimewithhermouthinatorturousrhythmthathadmeflexingintoher,mytoescurlingonthehotelcarpet.
“Hangyourheadoffmore,”Itoldher,usingmyhandsinherhairasaguide.“Archforme,baby.Openyourthroat.”
Whenshedid,Ipalmedherbreasts,squeezingtheamplesoftnessandtoyingwithherpiercingswitheachthumb.Shesquirmedunderthetouch,moaningaroundmyshaft.Itsentavibrationthroughmethatmademykneesbuckle.
“Fuck,yes,”Ipraised.“Justlikethat.Canyouopenmoreforme?”
Shearchedevenmore,andcarefully,Imovedmyhandstoherhead.Myfingerswoundintoherhair,andIstrokedherincalmingtouchesasIstartedtoshiftcontroltome,holdingherstillasIworkedmyselfinandoutofhermouth.
“Iwanttoseemycockstretchingyourthroat,”Itoldher,stillmovingslowandeasy.“I’mgoingtofuckyoudeeper,baby,andIwantyoutotakeit.Holdmedeepaslongasyoucan.”
Shemoanedaroundmeagain,affirmingthatshewantedit,too.Herhandsgrabbedmyasstopullmeinabitmore,butIstillheldthecontrol.Slowlyatfirst,Ipulledhermouthoffmeandthenslidherbackdown,watchingasshearchedandopenedasmuchasshecouldunderneathme.IgroanedatthesightofmycockbulginginherthroatwhenIpresseddeeper,andeventhoughshegagged,shestillheldmetoher,tellingmeshewasokay.
ThedeeperIwent,themoreIlostcontrol,flexingmyhipswitheverythrustintoher.Shemoanedandgaggedbutneverfaltered,andthesightofherstretchedout,hertitsbouncingasIfuckedherthroat—itsentme.
Islidindeep,holdingmyselfinsideherasthefirstpulseofheatvibratedthroughme.“Goddamn,Stig,”Imanagedonabreath,andthenIwaspumpingmyreleaseinsideher,smallflexesofmyhipsstretchingoutthereleaseasIfelteveryinchofhertongueonme,herthroatconstrictingaroundmyshaft,herlipstightandwarm.
Ishook,kneesgivingout,andmadenoisesnogrownmanshouldmakeasIcame.Shesoakedupeverydroplikeitwashardearned,notlettingmepullawayuntilIwascompletelydrainedandnearcollapsing.MarygaggedalittlewhenIfinallydidpullout,andthenIwasonthefloor,andsherolledoverontoherstomach,hairawildhaloaroundherasshesmiledandwipedherlips.
“Damn,”shesaid,breathless.“Thatwasfuckinghot.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh,bodystillspasming.“Youshouldhaveseenitfrommypointofview.”
Thelittleminxcrawledoffthebedanddownontothefloorwithme,andIhadn’tevencaughtmybreathbeforeshewasstraddlingmeandkissingmehardwithintent.
“Pleasetellmeyoucangethardagain,”shebreathedagainstmylips.“Becausethatturnedmeonsofuckingmuch.”
Ilaughedagainstherlips.“You’reinsatiable.”
“Please,Leo,”shesaid,runningherhanddowntogripme.Ididn’tknowhowitwaspossible,butslowly,asshepumpedme,Igrewinherhand.“Iwanttorideyou.Iwanttofeelyou.”
Igroaned,maneuveringusuntilmybackwasagainstthebedforsupport.ThatwasalltheconfirmationMaryneededbeforeshewaspressingupontoherknees,liningmeupatherentrance.
Withherheatedeyeslockedonmine,shesankdown.
Shewaswetandrelaxedfromherorgasm,frombringingmemine,andshetookhalfofmeinonthatfirstflex,makingusbothseestars.
Marymoanedloudly,nailsbitingintomyshouldersassheliftedanddroppeddownmore.Infourrolls,shehadmeallthewayinsideher,andsheshookaroundme,herwallstightening,lipsfranticwheretheymetmine.
“Touchme,”shepleaded.“I’msoclose.”
Ipalmedherbreastsroughly,massagingthemasshebouncedwildlyonmylap.WhenIrolledherpiercingsbetweenmyfingersandthumbs,shescreamed,andthistimeitwasloudenoughformetocoverhermouthwithonehand.IknewCoachwasn’tstupidenoughtothinkweneverhadgirlsinourroom,butIdidn’tneedhimfindingoutabouttonight—noranyofthescoutsstayinghere,either.
Marydidn’tcare.Shejustrodemeharder,tiltingherhipssoherclitrubbedagainstmeasIflexedinsideher.Andthenshewasquivering,moaning,almostcryingasshefoundherrelease.Ididn’tthinkI’dbeabletojoinher,butwatchinghersurrendercompletely,feelinghertightenaroundmewithoutabarrierbetweenus,hearinghersweetmoans…itwastoomuch.
Icapturedhermouthwithminejustasthefirstofmyorgasmcaught,andatthispointIdidn’tevenknowifIhadanythingtoreleaseintoher,butmybodyclenched,andadeliciousfireconsumedmeasIflexedandpumpedwhateverIdidhaveleft.Marywasstillcoming,too,andwemoanedandheldtighttoeachother,ridingoutthelastofourclimaxesbeforewebothslumpedintothefloor.
Itmighthavebeenaminutelater.Itmighthavebeenanhour.Somehow,atsomepointintime,Maryhadcrawledtostandandreacheddownformyhand,bothofusmovingslowlyonourwaytotheshower.She’drunthewaterhotoverbothofus,andwe’dtakenturnswashingeachotherbetweenslow,promisingkissesIknewI’dnevertireof.
Whenwecrawledbackintobed,soreandsatedandbone-tired,Icurledmyselfaroundher,kissingherwethairandinhalingeverythingthatshewas.Mychestdidn’tacheforthefirsttimeinweeks.Mybreathscameeasy.Myheartwasatpeace.
“Miamor,micari?o,micielo,”Iwhisperedagainstherneckbetweensoftkisses.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,”shewhisperedback.
Andinthequietdarkofthathotelroom,Isilentlypromisedtoneverhurtheragain,toneverputhersecondtoanything,toneverletherpushmeawayevenwhenherdefensiveinstincttoldherto.Ipromisedtodoeverythinginmypowertoalwaysmakeherstay,evenwhenthingsgotrough.
MarySilverwasfinallymine.
Itwasthesweetestwinofmylife.FiveMonthsLater
Mary
NotasingleoneofuscouldholdourshittogetherwhenJulepwalkeddowntheaisletoHoldenonAprilsixteenth.
Itdidn’tmatterthatGiana,Riley,andIhadhelpedhergetdressed,thatwe’dalreadyseenthewaythatelaboratecreamlacehuggedherbodyinaperfecthourglassshape.WestilllostitwhenthedoorsopenedatthebackofthegardenandshewalkedthroughthemholdingCoachLee’sarm.
Thefactthathewascryingmighthavebeenwhatmademeloseitmorethananything.
Julep’sfatherbeamedwithpridejustasmuchashebrokewithheartacheashetooktheslowstepstowardgivinghisdaughteraway.Julep’sdeepbrowneyeswereglossy,too—herhairsweptupintoaclassicupdowithcurlsandathickbraid,asmallflowercrownthreadthroughthestrands,andasimple,yetgorgeous,pearl-dropnecklaceadorningherneck.She’dfoundtheweddingdressatathriftstore,alongwitheveryaccessoryfromherpearl-studearringstothedesignerhighheelsonherfeet.Everypiecewasoldandborrowed,andyettheylookedasifthey’dbeenmadejustforher.
AndwhileeveryoneinthatgardenwastransfixedbyJulep,shecouldn’ttakehereyesoffHolden.
Sniffingbackmytears,Iglancedatwherehewaswaitingforher,andimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.Becauseonelookathimcompletelyfallingapartatthesightofhisalmost-wifemademecryagain,too.
HewaslikeaGQmodelinhisgarnettuxedo,thegoldpocketsquareandtrimmakinghimlooklikeanNBUlegend.AndIsupposedhereallywas.Thedeepredagainstthelushgreenofthebotanicalgardenwasdreamy,likeafairytale.Buthecouldn’tfightbackhistears,andhepinchedthebridgeofhisnose,shouldersshakingbeforehewipedhisfaceandstoodstraighterwithasmilelikehecouldn’tbelievehewassolucky.
ThatsmilewasaimedrightatJulep.
WhenIlookedbackather,sherolledhereyesonaplayfullaughlikeshewasmakingfunofhimforcrying,butshewasamess,too.
MyeyesdriftedtoLeothen,whowasstandingbehindHoldenashisbestman.Hehadtheringsinhispocketandhiseyesonme.
Itwasentirelyunfairhowheandtherestoftheguyslookedsogoodintheirsuits.Weallknewtheywerehotinfootballpantsandjerseys,butseeingthemdressedtothenineswasenoughtomakeeverygirlintheirvicinityferal.IwishedIcouldsayIwasexcluded,thatIwasimmune,butwatchingLeowiththatdevilishsmirkonhisfaceandknowingIwouldgettostriphimoutofthatsuitlatermademyskintinglewithheat.
Hiseyeswerehoodedwheretheystaredatme,asifhewassayingwithoutwordsthatthiswouldbeusoneday.Ifelthispossessionintheairasifitwerehandsonmyhips,andIbitmylipalittle,tearingmygazeawayfromhimtolookdownatmyflowersbeforethewholegardenofpeoplecaughtontoourlittleshow.Thenagain,Ididn’thavetolooktoknowZekeandRileywereeyeingeachotherthesameway,andGianaandClay,too.
WhenthemusicdiedasJulepreachedtheendoftheaisle,therewasachorusofsnifflesthroughthecrowd,whichmadeusallsmileandwipeourfacesandlaughalittleatourselves.CoachLeegavehisdaughter’shandtoHolden,whostaredatherlikeeverydreamhe’deverhadwascomingtrueinthatmoment,andtheceremonybegan.
Itwassweetandshort,whichdidn’tsurprisemeconsideringJulephatedbeingthecenterofattention.AndwhenHoldendippedJulepbackinadramatickisstosealthedeal,weallwentwild,cheeringandthrowingrosepetalsoverthemastheywalkedbackdowntheaisle.
Then,thepartybegan.
Edisonlightscametolifeasthesunwentdown,castingthegardeninabeautifulglowasthebandbegantoplayandguestsfloodedtoeitherthebarorthedancefloor.
“Ihavetopeesobad,”Gianasaidwhenwewerefreeofourceremonialduties,andsheabandonedherbouquetontheweddingpartytablebeforepracticallyrunningtowardthebathroom.
“Ineedashot,”Rileychimedin.“I’venevercriedsomuchinmyentirelife.”
“Besideswhenyourealizedhowmuchyouloveme,right?”Zekesaid,slidingupbehindher.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundherwaistandpulledherbackintohischest,andshesmiled,leaningintothetouch.
“Thoseweretearsoffrustration,”sheshotupathim.
“Oh,that’sright.Youwerestillpretendingtohateme,huh?”
“Trustme—Ididn’thavetopretendveryhard.”
“Sure,”Zekesaid,nuzzlingintoherneck.Sheflushedandturnedintohim,andIlookedawayjustastheystartedtokiss.
Somuchhadhappenedinthelastfivemonthsforallofus,itwasalmostdizzying.
TheRebelshadgoneontohavetheirfirstundefeatedseasonsincethenineties,sendingthemstraighttothechampionshipgame.Sadly,they’dlostbyalast-minutefieldgoal,whichhadcrushedallofus.Butevenwiththatloss,therewasn’tagraduatingseniorwhodidn’tgetacallduringthedraft.
EveryteamintheNFLwantedaNorthBostonUniversityrecruit.
ButwhileClay,Kyle,Braden,andLeohadsignedcontractswithfatsigningbonuses,Zekehadwithdrawnhimselfcompletely.
Ithadshockedusallatfirst,butwhenheandRileytookusouttodinnerandtoldusabouttheirbusinessplan,theonlyemotionwefeltwasecstatic.TheywereworkingwiththeNFLtolaunchtheNovoFootballCoalition,aprogramdedicatedtoexposingyounggirlstofootballandgivingthemopportunitiestoplayastheygrewolder.ItwasthefirstprogramtheNFLwasdirectlyinvolvedwiththatsupportedfemalessteppingintothearena,andtherewasapartnershipwiththeWomen’sFootballAlliancetomakeafutureinfootballforgirls,too.
Theyhadalongroadtowalk,onethatweallknewwouldbebumpyandfullofroadblocks.Thereweresomanyadversariestowomenplayingfootballinourcountry,butwithZekeandRileybehindthewheel,Ihadafeelingtherewasnothingtheycouldn’tachieve.Maybeoneday,therewouldbeaWomen’sSuperBowlwithtwoteamsofbadassbitchesjustlikeRiley.
Icouldn’twaitforthatday.
We’dalltoldthemweweretheretohelpeverystepoftheway,too.Someoftheguysevenforkedoverabigpartoftheirsigningbonustohelpthemgetstarted.ThefirstbranchoftheircoalitionwassettoopeninthefallrightoutsideofBoston,andRiley’sbrother,Gavin,wastobegeneralmanager.
“There’smygirl.”
IbitmyliponasmileasLeo’sarmswoundaroundmefrombehind,hislipsfindingmyneckbeforeIwasspuninhisarmstofacehim.Hetrailedhiseyesdowneveryinchofmebeforemakingadeepnoiseinhisthroat.
“Youinthisfuckingdress,Stig,”hemused,shakinghishead.“Remindmetokeepyouawayfromallroads.Wedon’tneedacarpile-uptoruintheweddingday.”
“Shutup,”Isaidswattingathim.
“Nochance.Unlessyouthinkofacreativewaytomakeme,”headdedwithanarchofhisbrow.“Sittingonmyfacemightwork.”
HekissedmebeforeIcouldlaughathim,andIwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneck,revelinginthewayitfelttohavehimclingtomelikeIwasallheeverwanted.Iwasalsonowverydistractedbythethoughtoffollowingthroughonhisinvitationlater.
LeowasdraftedinthethirdroundtotheMinnesotaVikings.AndwhileIwassecretlyhopingwe’dendupsomewherehotandtropical,IwasjustecstaticforLeothathisdreamhadcometrue.Therewasahighchancehe’dendupstartinginthefall,too,withhowawfultheVikings’rungamehadbeenthepastcoupleofyears.TheyneededLeo,andhewasalltoohappytostepinandstepup.
Assoonashesignedthepaperwork,wewereloadingupamovingtruckandheadingtoMinneapolis.
Leo’smomhadmovedwithus,buyingaplacejustoutsidethecitybecauseshecouldn’tbearthethoughtofbeingtoofarfromherson.We’dwelcomedherandthemealsshelovedtomakeforus,andmyparentshelpedusmove,too,beforetellinguswealwayshadaplacetostaywhenwewantedtovisitBoston.
Therewasalsoathreatthatwewouldbebackfortheholidays—andweweretobringLeo’smomwithus.
Leo’srelationshipwithhisfatherwasstrengtheningnow,too,especiallywithLeoenteringhiscareerwiththeNFL.Nickwasatourcondoatleastoneweekendamonth,runningdrillswithLeotopreparehimfortheseasonandwalkinghimthrougheverythinghecouldexpectoncetrainingcampstartedinthesummer.
Andasforme?Iwasbusyrenovating.
BecauseLeodid,infact,buymemyfirsttattooshopwithhissigningbonus.
Ofcourse,theonlywayIalloweditwasbyhimpromisingthathe’dacceptmepayinghimbackoncewewereprofitable.Istillwasn’tconvincedheactuallywould,butIwasthankfulforthechancetotry.
MyemotionssurroundingtattooinghadbeenatangledmessafterwhathappenedwithNero.Skillwise,IfeltlikeIwasburstingattheseams,likeIhadjustcrackedthecodeonmystyleandwassoanxioustogetstartedonmyclientelethatIwouldgoinsaneifIdidn’thavemyownchair.Butmentally,Iwasshutdown,afraidofmynextmove,ofwhatmighthappenifItriedtoworkatanotherparlorinBostonwhileLeoandIwaitedtoseewhatwouldhappeninthedraft.
Forawhile,Ididnothing.
Iallowedmyselftocomedownoffthecrazyrollercoasterofeverythingthathadhappened,findingsafetyinLeo’sarms.I’dmovedbacktoThePit,thankstomyroommateswhoweremorethanhappytowelcomemeandPalicobackintotheirspace,andIfoundmyjoytherewiththemthroughtheholidays.
Oncethenewyearrolledin,Idecideditwastimetopullmyselfoutoftherubbleandrebuild.
MyfirstplanofgoingtotheothergirlsatMoonstruckfailedmiserably.Halfofthemwouldn’ttalktomeatall,likeIwasaplagueandiftheysomuchasansweredmytexts,they’dbefiredandblacklisted,too.ThefewIdidmanagetogetaconversationoutofdeniedNeroevermakingthemfeeluncomfortable—eventhoughIwouldhavebetmylifesavingsonthemlying.
So,myfinalmovewastotellhiswife.
AriannaagreedtomeetwithmeafterIleftananonymousnotewithmyphonenumberonthewindshieldofhercar.Ifeltalittlecreepyreachingoutthatway,butIwantedhertoknowthestoryofwhathappened.Shedeservedatleastthatmuch.Intheend,Icouldn’tcontrolwhathappenedtoNero.Inaworldsetupformentogetawaywithshitlikewhathepulled,Ididn’thaveawholelottoworkwith.
Ijusthadthetruth,andthedesperatehopethatArianna,atleast,wouldbelieveme.
She’dbeenquietwhenwemetforcoffee,andsheworedarksunglassesandascarfthatcoveredherhead.WhenI’dfinished,sheclearedherthroatandsaidshehadtogo.
Ineverheardfromheragain.
Buttwoweekslater,therewasabreakingnewsstoryabouthowMoonstruckTattooshadbeenshutdownafterananonymoustiptothepolicethattheownerwaslaunderingmoneyforalocaldruglord.Nerowasarrested,hisbailsetsohighhewassuretobestuckinjailuntilhiscourtdate.
Hewasserveddivorcepaperswhileincustody.
IneverdidhearfromAriannaagain,andIcouldonlygraspatstrawswhenItriedtoputthepiecestogetherofwhathappened.Butjusticehadbeenserved,evenifitwasn’tinthewayIwishedithadbeen.
Itwasclosure,anditsetmefree.
Now,allmytimewasspentattheshop,andI’dturnedadrab,oldbrickbuildingintomydreamparlor,completewithanall-femalecrewofartistsanxiouslywaitingforourgrandopening.
I’dalsoinstilledalittleofmybestfriendsintoit—apoleforJulep,whichshe’dalreadytestedandapproved,aminibookstoreinthefrontcornerforGiana,whichsheinsistedonbeingthecuratorfor,andanimpressiveartcollectionfromlocalartistsforRiley,eachpieceforsalewiththeartisttakingalltheprofits.Palicolovedspendinghertimetheremorethanatourcondo,sinceI’dhadacustom-builtcattreeinstalledthatconsistedofvariousheightsandtextures.
Therewasalsoagamingcorner—agiantscreenwithanXboxloadedwithgamesforourclientsandstaff,alike.
Thathadbeenforme.
Ijusthadafewfinaltouchesbeforeitwouldallbeready,andwewereplanningtoopenthedoorsonthefirstdayofsummer.
“Alright,”Gianasaidbreathlesslywhenshereturnedfromthebathroom.“Isthefoodoutyet?I’mreadytoeat.”
“Me,too,”Claysaidsalaciously,andhepickedheruplikesheweighednothing,scoopingherandherlongsagedressintohisarms.
“You’reabrute,”shesaidthroughherlaughter,butsheclungtohimwithherrosycheeksandlethimcarryhertotheweddingpartytablewhereourdinnerwasbeingserved.
ThegardenfilledwithcheersasJulepandHoldenwereintroducedashusbandandwifeforthefirsttime,andoncetheywereseatedatthetablewithus,thebandplayedsoftlywhilethestaffservedadinnerfitforthepresident.Julep’smomhadtakenoversomuchoftheplanningthatitdidn’tsurprisemeonebit.Itfeltlikeasouthernball,butwithabohotouch.
Leodrewcirclesonmykneewithhisfingertipsunderthetable,hisotherhandshovelingfoodintohismouthaswealltalkedandlaughedthroughdinner.
Itwasthemostbittersweetfeeling,becauseweallknewthatwewouldn’tbetogetherlikethisveryoftennowthatwewereallspreadoutoverthecountry.RileyandZekewouldbeinBoston,HoldenandJulepinCharlotte,ClayandGianainDenversinceClayhadbeendraftedtotheBroncos,andLeoandIwouldroundoutthestretchinMinneapolis.
Gianamusthavereallybeenfeelingit,becauseasourplateswerebeingclearedandwewereabouttomakeourwaytothedancefloor,shestartedbawling.
“I’msorry,”shesaid,takingClay’shandkerchiefwhenheofferedittoher.Shedabbedatthecornerofhereyes,shakingherhead,herwildcurlsbouncingwiththemovement.“Ijust…Iloveyouallsomuch.”
“Weloveyou,too,G,”Isaid,reachingovertosqueezeherhandwithmine.
“Ibetsomedancingwillmakeyoufeelbetter,”Julepsaidasshestood,andonceagain,Iwasbreathlesslookingather.Shewasthemostbeautifulbride.
“Psh,Iknowwhatwillmakeherfeelbetter,”Clayargued,puttinghisarmaroundGiana.“Atriptothebookstoretomorrow.Isawyoueyeingthatlittleonedowntownwhenwewereonourwaytothehotel.”
Gianasmiledupathimthroughblearyeyes.“Youknowthewaytomyheart.”
“IthinkClayonlypretendslikehedoesitforyouwhenweallknowwhatthekinkybastardreallywantsismorehighlightedpagestore-enact,”Zekesaidwithasmirk.
“Twobirds,onestone,”Clayconfirmed.“Thoughatthispoint,I’mprettysurewe’vedoneitall.”
“TMI,”Rileysaid,standingandfoldinghernapkinbeforedroppingittothetable.
“Well,”Gianasaid,pushingherglassesupthebridgeofhernose.“Thereisonetropewehaven’ttriedyet.”
“Ifyou’rereferringtothereverseharemshit,I’vealreadytoldyou—Idon’tshare.”Claylookedalmostmurderouswiththatcomment,whichmadeusalllaugh.
“No,”Gianasaidwithalaughofherown.“Um…Iwasthinkingmore…accidentalpregnancy.”
Claylaughed,kissinghertemple.“Yeah.Sure.”
Buttherestofuswerefrozenstill.
BecauseGianadidnotlooklikeshewasjoking.
ShewatchedClaywithworryetchedineveryfeature,wringingherlittlehandsinherlap.WhenClaysawusallstaringather,hefoundheragain,andhisfacewentsnowwhite.
Hesearchedhereyes,athousandquestionsinhis,andthenhetrailedthatgazedowntoherstomach.
Gianaunfoldedherhandsandsmoothedthemoverherflatbelly,framingitinalittleheart.
“Wait…”Clayswallowed,hiseyessnappingbacktohers.“You’re…You’rereally…”
“Yes,”shewhispered.
Iclampedahandovermymouth,tearsspringingtomyeyesasJulepletoutalittlesqueal.Butnoonemoved,notaswewaitedforitalltosinkinforClay.
Heblinked—once,twice—andthen,heshovedbackfromthetable,hischairgrindingagainstthefloorashefelltohisknees.HewrappedGianainhisarms,buryinghisheadinherchestashisshouldersshook.
“Comeon,guys,”Leosaid.“Let’sgivethemamoment.”
Henoddedtowardthedancefloor,andweallfollowed,butnotbeforethegirlsandIsnuckanotherlookbackandfoundClay’smassivehandsspreadingoverGiana’sbelly,hiseyesthickwithtears.
“I’mgoingtobeadad,”hebreathedaquestionupatGiana.
Whenshenodded,hebrokeentirely,andwealltoreoureyesaway,linkingarmsandlettingoutunnaturallyhigh-pitchedpealsoflaughteraswerantothedancefloor.
Thebandwasahit,transitioningfromthesoftmusicthathadplayedthroughdinnerintoabroadrangethatpleasedeveryonefromtwenty-onetoeighty.Wedancedinacircle,mostlyaroundJulepandHolden,thoughwealltookturnsdoingstupiddancemovesinthemiddle.IlaughedparticularlyhardwhenZeke,Holden,andLeodidsomesortofmimeactthatinvolvedthemstuckininvisibleboxes.
WewereallsweatingbythetimeClayandGianajoinedus,andtheguyswrappedClayinaloudbearhugofcongratulationswhiletheladiesswarmedGiana.Wefawnedoverher,takingturnstouchingherstomacheventhoughnothingwasshowingyet.Julepsaidshehopeditwasagirl.Rileytriedtopesterherfornames.AndIjustgaveherahigh-fiveforfindingawaytomakeabook-relatedjokeaboutherpregnancy.
Soon,wewerealldancingagain,andmoreandmoreplayersjoinedus.
BradenandBlakestartedatrainatonepoint,pullingmerightbetweenthemandgivingmenochoicebuttojoin.Whenweweredancinginacircleagain,Kylehelduphisphonetoshowusthephotohe’dpostedofalltheguysintheirtuxesbeforethewedding.Ithadhalf-a-millionlikesalready,alongwiththousandsofcomments—mostofthemfromwomenwhowereheartbrokenHoldenwaswifedupnow.He’dgarneredquitethefollowingafterthestartingquarterbackforthePantherswasinjuredneartheendoftheseasonandHoldensteppedin,takingthemallthewaytotheplayoffs.Theywentoutinthefirstround,butonceagain,Holdenwasinthespotlight.
Ihadafeelinghe’dlivehisentirelifethere.
WhenIwassweatingsomuchIhadtodownanentireglassofwatertokeepfromoverheating,thebandfinallygaveusabreakwithaslowsong.Theycroonedoutabeautifulrenditionof“ScenicDrive”byKhalidandAliciaKeys,themaleandfemaleleadsingerssomehowmakingitsoundevenbetterthantheoriginal.
Leotookmebythehandasthefirstnotesplayed,pullingmetotheedgeofthedancefloorthatwastheleastcrowded.HishandsfoundmyhipsandheldmecloseasIthreadedmyarmsaroundhisneck.
Forawhile,wejustswayedtothemusic,oureyesdancingoveroneanotherassoftsmilesplayedatthecornersofourlips.I’dneverbeentoaweddingbefore,buttherewassomethingaboutbeingsurroundedbysuchyoung,promisinglovethatmademewanttoleanintoLeoandtellhimhowmuchhemeanttomeinahundreddifferentlanguages.
Asifhefeltthesame,hetuggedmeinevenmore,untilIcouldrestmyheadonhisshouldersandclosemyeyesaswedanced.Iinhaledhisscent,hissoul,intertwiningminewithitandabsentmindedlywonderingwhatourweddingwouldbelike.
Therewasn’tevenadoubtinmymindnowthatitwouldhappenoneday.
“What’sonyourmind,miamor?”heasked,hiswordslowandsultryinmyear.
“Forever,”Iansweredsoftly.
Leopulledbackonasmile.“Withme?”
“AndPalico.”
“Ofcourse,”hesaid,buthissmileleveledoutashiseyessearchedmine.“Icanseeit.”
“Me,too.”
“Whatdoyouthink,”heasked,noddingtothegrandscenearoundus,thegardenlushwithplantsandflowersandtrees,thelightsgolden,thebandmoreexpensivethanourmortgage.“Youwantsomethinglikethis,too?”
Iletoutalongbreath,considering.“Maybe,”Isaid.“Ormaybe,justyouandmeandaquietbeachsomewherefaraway.”
“Anelopement?”Leoasked,surprised.Then,afterconsideration,henodded.“Icouldgetdownwiththat.”
“Yeah?”
“Hellyeah.But,”hesaidimmediately.“Youknowthere’snowaywecangetawaywithouthavingmymomthere.”
Ilaughed.“Wouldneverdreamofit.”
“Butyoudowanttogetmarried?”heasked,almosttentatively.
“Ido.”
“Andkids?”
“Um…”Icringed.“Maybewecouldbethecoolauntanduncle?”
“Oh,comeon,Stig,”Leosaidonalow,throatylaugh,hislipspressingagainstthesoftskinundermyear.Hisnextwordswerewhisperedjustbelowit,sparkingchillsdownmylegs.“Letmeputababyinyou.”
“Nottonight,”Isaid,pressingahandagainsthischest.“Wehaveafurbaby,andashoptoopen.”
“Fair,”heconceded.“Butoneday…”
“Maybe,”Isaid,holdingupathreateningfinger.Leograbbeditandkissedit,andmyovariestightenedlikelittletraitorsatthetouch.
Themusicpickedbackupafterthat,andwerushedtojoinourfriendsinthecenterofthedancefloor.Wepartieduntilwellaftermidnight,Julep’sdadpayingthebandandtheeventstafftostaylatersowedidn’thavetostop.Itwasn’tuntilalmosttwointhemorningthatwefinallygatheredourbelongings,thegirlsholdingourheelsinourhandsaswewalkedbarefootoutofthegarden.
HoldenandJulepleftthevenueunderaparadeofsparklers,duckingintoavintagecarthattookthemtotheirhoneymoonsuiteatthehotel.Theywereleavingfortheirhoneymooninthemorning—twoweekstraipsingthroughEurope.
Oncetheyweregone,wealltooktheshuttlebacktothehotel,huggingeachofourformerroommateswhenwewerebackinthelobby.Wemadethempromisetocomeseeusbeforetheseasongotunderway,andKylebookedhisflightrightthenandtheretoprovehewould.
RileyandGianatackledmenextwhileLeosaidhisgoodbyestoZekeandClay,moretearsbeingshedbeforeLeoandIrodetheelevatoruptoourownroom.Itwassoquietcomparedtotheweddingthatmyearsrangasweundressed,andthenLeoranahotbathinthemassivemarbletub,bothofuseasingintothesudsywaterwithheavysighs.
Wegotmoredirtythancleaninthattub,eventuallytowelingoffandmovingtothebed.Withalltheemotionofthenightstillclingingtous,wemadeloveuntildawn,notstoppingtosleepuntilthesunstartedslippingthroughthecurtainsofourroom.
Whenwefinallydidcurlupinthesheets,Leospooningmefrombehind,Iinhaledalong,sweetbreathbeforelettingitoutasIcuddledclosertohim.I’dneverfeltsuchjoyandhappinessforpeopleIlovedbefore.Ismiledwiderwitheachpassingthought—BradenandKyleplayingtogetherfortheSeahawks,BlakestayinganotheryearasquarterbacktoleadNBU,RileyandZekestartingtheircoalition,HoldenandJulepstartingtheirmarriage,ClayandGianastartingafamily
Myheartwassofull,Ithoughtit’dburst.
AndwhenIrolledover,pressingmyforeheadtoLeo’sandfeelinghiswarmthradiatingoverme,themostblissfulpeaceenvelopedmelikeablanket.AlaughbubbledoutofmeasIrealizedthemosthilarious,beautifultruth.
IhadeverythingI’deverwanted.
AllbecauseIbeggedmyparentstobuymeHalo
TheEndThankyouforreadingHailMary,andtheentireRedZoneRivalsseries.Asaspecialtokenofmygratitude,I’vewrittenabonusscenewithyourfavoritecouple–Clay&Giana.Readithere.
Asbittersweetasitisforthisseriestocometoanend,I’msoexcitedforwhat’snext…
Aprohockeyromanceseriesofinterconnectedstandalones.
Footballismynumberonelove,buthockeyisaclosesecond,andI’moverthemoontowritesometropesI’vebeenlongingtowriteforyears.Getreadyforsingledad,fakefiancé,teammate’slittlesister,andmore.
Pre-orderbookonehere,comingsummer2023!Whileyouwait,getsweptawayinmysmalltownromanceseriesfeaturingfourbrothersfindingloveandsolvingthemysteryoftheirfather’sdeath.Keepreadingforasneakpeekinsidebookone,OntheRocks!Noah
WhenyouhearthewordTennessee,whatdoyouthinkof?
Maybeyourfirstthoughtiscountrymusic.MaybeyoucanevenseethosebrightlightsofNashville,hearthedifferentbandsastheirsoundspouroutofthebarsandmingleinasymphonyinthestreets.MaybeyouthinkofElvis,ofGraceland,ofDollywoodandcountlessothermusicallandmarks.MaybeyoufeeltheprestigeoftheGrandOleOpry,orthewonderoftheCountryMusicHallofFame.MaybeyoufeelthehistoryradiatingoffBealeStreetinMemphis.
OrmaybeyouthinkoftheGreatSmokyMountains,offreshairandhiking,ofmajesticsightsandlongweekendsincabins.Maybeyoucancloseyoureyesandseethetipsofthosemountainscappedinwhite,canhearthecalloftheTennesseeWarbler,cansmellthefreshpineandoak.
Maybe,whenyouthinkofTennessee,allofthisandmorecomestomind.
Butforme,itonlyconjuredupone,two-syllableword.
Whiskey.
IsawtheamberliquidgoldeverytimeIclosedmyeyes.IsmelleditsoakyfinishwitheachbreathItook.Mytastebudsweretrainedatayoungagetodetecteveryslightnotewithinthebottle,andmyheartwastrainedtolovewhiskeylongbeforeiteverlearnedhowtoloveawoman.
Tennesseewhiskeywasapartofme.Itwasinmyblood.Iwasbornandraisedonit,andattwenty-eight,itwasnosurprisetomethatIwasnowpartoftheteamthatbredandraisedthemostfamousTennesseewhiskeyintheworld.
Itwasalwaysinthecardsforme.AnditwasallIeverwanted.
Atleast,that’swhatIthought.
UntilthedayRubyGracecamebackintotown.
Myearswerepluggedwithbright,neonorangesponges,butIcouldstillhearChrisStapleton’sraspyvoicecrooningbehindtheloudclamorofmachines.IwipedsweatfrommybrowasIclampedthemetalringdownonanotherwhiskeybarrel,sendingitondownthelinebeforebeginningonthenextone.Summerwasjustweeksaway,andthedistilleryswelledwiththeTennesseeheat.
BeingabarrelraiserattheScooterWhiskeyDistillerywasaprivilege.Therewereonlyfourofus,aclose-knitteam,andwewerepaidwellfordoingajobtheyhadn’tfiguredouthowtotrainmachinestodoyet.Eachbarrelwashand-crafted,andIraisedhundredsofthemeverysingleday.Ourbarrelswerepartofwhatmadeourwhiskeysorecognizable,partofwhatmadeourprocesssounique,andpartofwhatmadeScooterahouseholdname.
Mygrandfatherhadstartedasabarrelraiser,too,whenhewasjustfourteenyearsold.He’dbeentheonetosetthestandard,tohammerdowntheprocessandmakeitwhatitistoday.Itwashowthefounder,RobertJ.Scooter,firstnoticedhim.Itwasthebeginningoftheirfriendship,oftheirpartnership,oftheirlegacy.
Butthatlegacyhadbeencutshortformygrandfather,formyfamily.EvenifIhadmovedawayfromthistown,fromthedistillerythatwasasmuchablessingtomyfamilyasitwasacurse,I’dneverforgetthat.
“Hey,Noah,”Martycalledoverthesharpcuttingofanotherbarreltop.Sparksflewuparoundhisprotectivegoggles,hiseyesonmeinsteadofthewood,buthishandsmovedinasteady,knowledgeablerhythm.“Heardyoumadethewalkofshameintoworkthismorning.”
Therestofthecrewsnickered,afewcatcallsandwhistlesringingoutasIsuppressedagrin.
“What’sittoya?”
Martyshrugged,runningahandoverhisburlybeard.Itwasthickanddark,thetipspepperedwithgrayjustlikehislonghairthatframedhislargeface.“I’mjustsaying,maybeyoucouldatleastshowernexttime.It’ssmelledlikesexsincefivea.m.”
“That’swhatthatis?”PJasked,pausingtoadjusthisrealglassesunderneaththeprotectiveones.Hisfacescrewedup,thickblackframesrisingonhiscrinklednoseasheshookhishead.“Ithoughttheywereservingusfishsticksagaininthecafeteria.”
Thatearnedaguffawfromtheguys,andIsluggedouryoungestcrewmemberonthearm.Attwenty-one,PJwastherookie,theyoungbuck,andhewasthesmallestofusbyfar,too.Hisarmsweren’ttonedfromraisingbarrelsdayinanddayoutforyears,thoughhishandswerefinallystartingtocallousunderhisworkgloves.
“Nah,that’sjustyourmama’spanties,PJ.Shegavethemtomeasasouvenir.Here,”Isaid,righthanddivingintomypocket.Ipulledoutmyhandkerchief,flingingitupunderhisnosebeforehecouldpullaway.“Getabetterwhiff.”
“Fuckyou,Noah.”Heshovedmeawaywithagrimaceastheguysburstintoanotherfitoflaughter.
Ishookthehandkerchiefoverhisheadagainbeforetuckingitaway,handsmovingformorestavesofwoodtobuildthenextbarrel.Ittookanywherefromthirty-onetothirty-threeplanksofwoodtobringonetolife,andIhaditdowntoascience—mixingandmatchingthesizes,thewidth,untiltheperfectbarrelwasbuilt.Ihadn’thadabarrelwithaleakinmorethansevenyears,sinceIfirststartedmakingthemwhenIwastwenty-one.Itonlytookmesixmonthstogetmyprocessdown,andbymytwenty-secondbirthday,Iwasthefastestraiseronourteam,eventhoughIwastheyoungestatthetime.
MomalwayssaidDadwouldhavebeenproud,butI’dneverknowforsure.
“Seriously,though,”Martycontinued.“That’sthreetimesnowyou’vecreepedoutofDaphneSwan’shousewiththecockswakingupthesunbehindyou.Gottabearecordforyou.”
“He’llbebuyingaringsoon,”thelastmemberofourteampipedin.Eliwasjustafewyearsolderthanme,andheknewbetterthananyonethatIdidn’tdorelationships.Butthatwaswherehisknowledgeofmeended,becausejustlikeeveryoneelse,heassumeditwasbecauseIwasaplayboy.
TheyallassumedI’dbesingleuntiltheendoftime,jumpingfrombedtobed,notcaringwhoseheartwasbrokenintheprocess.
ButIwantedtosettledown,togiveagirltheBeckernameandhaveafewkidstochaseafter—maybemorethananyoneelseinStratford.Only,unlikeallmyfriends,Iwouldn’tjustdoitwiththefirstgirlwhobakedmeapie.Therewereplentyofbeautifulgirlsinoursmalltown,butIwaslookingformore,foraloveliketheonemymomanddadhad.
AnyonewhoknewmyparentsknewIwouldlikelybelookingforawhile.
“DaphneandIarefriends,”Iexplained,stackingupthenextbarrel.“Andwehaveanunderstanding.Shewantstobeheldatnight,andIwanttoberiddenlikearodeobull.”Ishrugged.“Thinkofitasmodern-daybartering.”
“Ineedafriendlikethat,”PJmurmured,andwealllaughedjustastheshopdoorswungopen.
“Tourcomingthrough,”ourmanager,Gus,called.Hekepthiseyesonthepapershewasshufflingthroughashisfeetcarriedhimtowardhisoffice.“Noah,comeseemeafterthey’regone.”
“Yes,sir,”Ireplied,andwhiletheguysallmadeominousoooh’satmyexpense,Iwasn’tnervous.Gushadnothingbutrespectforme,justasIhadforhim,andIknewmaybetooconfidentlythatIwasn’tintrouble.Hehadajobthatneededhandling,andIwasalwayshisgo-to.
Thedoorswungopenagain,andtheteasingdiedinstantly,allofusfocusingonthetaskathandasmybrotherledagroupoftouristsinside.
“Alright,remembernow,thisisanotherareawherenopicturesareallowed.Pleaseputyourphonesawayuntilweventurebackoutside.Sincewe’reoneofthelastbreweriesthatstillmakesitsownbarrels,wedon’twantoursecretsgettingout.WeknowatleasthalfofyouweresentfromKentuckydownheretospyonus.”
Thegrouplaughedsoftly,alloftheireyeswideastheyfilteredintogetabetterlookatus.Martyhatedtours,andIcouldalreadyhearhisgruntsofdisapproval,likethegroupwassentwiththesolepurposeofruininghisday.Butme?Ilovedthem,notonlybecauseitmeantScooterWhiskeywasstillahouseholdname,andtherefore—jobsecurity—butalsobecauseitmeantachancetoragonmylittlebrother.
Ihadthreebrothers—Logan,Michael,andJordan.
Jordanwastheoldest—myseniorbyfouryears.MomandDadhadadoptedhimbeforeIwasborn,andthoughhemightnothavelookedliketherestoftheBeckerclan,hewasoneofus,throughandthrough.
Michaelwastheyoungestofusatjustseventeen,onlyonesummerstandingbetweenhimandhissenioryearofhighschool.
AndLogan,whojustwalkedthroughthedoorwiththetour,wasthesecondyoungest.Hewastwoyearsyoungerthanme,whichmeanthewasmyfavoritetopickon.
Hewasmyfirstlittlebrother,afterall.
Oncetheentiregroupwasinside,Logangesturedtouswithawidesmile.
“Thesearethefinegentlemanknownasourbarrelraisers.Youmightrememberlearningaboutthemfromthevideoearlier.Asitmentioned,eachofourbarrelsiscraftedbyhand,byjustfourupstandinggentlemen—Marty,Eli,Noah,andPJ.”
WeallwavedasLoganintroducedus,andIchancedasmirkinthedirectionofthehottestgirlinthetour.Shewasolder,maybemid-thirties,andlookedlikesomeone’smom.ButhertitswereasperkyasIimaginedtheywereonhertwenty-firstbirthday,andshewaslookingatmelikeahotpieceofbreadafteramonthofbeingonano-carbdiet.
Shereturnedmysmileasshetwirledastrandofherbrightblondehairaroundherfinger,whisperingsomethingtothegroupofgirlsshewaswithbeforetheyallgiggled.
Logancontinuedon,talkingabouthowthefourofusasateammademorethanfive-hundredbarrelseverysingledaybeforesendingthemdownthelineforcharringandtoasting.HeexplainedhowScooterWhiskeyisactuallyclearwhenit’sfirstputintoourbarrels,andit’stheoakandcharringprocessthatbringsouttheambercolorandsweetflavorthey’reaccustomedtotoday.
Eventhoughmyhandsworkedalongonautopilot,Iwatchedmybrotherwithaballoonofprideswellinginmychest.Hishairwasasandywalnutbrown,justlikemine,thoughhiscurledovertheedgesofhisballcapandminewascutshortinafade.Hestoodafewinchestallerthanme,whichalwaysirkedmegrowingup,andhewasleanfromyearsofplayingbaseballwhereIwasstoutfromyearsoffootballbeforeIbecameabarrelraiser.
IfyougrewupasaboyinStratford,youplayedatleastonesport.That’sjustalltherewastoit.
Thoughwehadourdifferences,anyonewhostoodinthesameroomwithuscouldpointusoutasbrothers.Loganwaslikemybestfriend,buthewasalsolikemyownson.Atleast,that’showI’dseenitafterDaddied.
Justliketherewereonlyahandfulofbarrelraisers,thesamewastruefortourguides.Theywerethefaceofourdistillery,andontopofbeingpaidwellfortheirknowledgeandcharisma,theywerealsotippedhighlybythetouristspassingthroughtown.Itwasoneofthemostsought-afterjobs,andLoganhadlandeditateighteen—afterDaddied,whichmeanthedidn’tgetanyhelpgettingtheposition.
Hegotthejobbecausehewasthebestatit,andsoIwasproudofhim,thesamewayIknewourdadwouldhavebeen.
Itwasnosurprisetoourfamilywhenhelandedit,givenhisraptattentiontodetail.He’dbeenthatwaysincewewerekids—nothinginhisroomwaseveroutofplace,heatehisfoodinaspecificorder,andhealwaysdidhishomeworkassoonashewasoutofschool,exactlyasitwassupposedtobedone,andthendidhischoresbeforeheevenconsideredplayingoutside.
ForLogantobecomfortable,everythingneededtobeinorder.
ThepoorguyhadalmostmadeitthroughhisentirespielwhenIkickedthebarrelIwasworkingonanddroppedthemetalringtothefloor,creatingaloudcommotion.
“Ah!Myfinger!”
Igrippedmyrightmiddlefingerhard,grimacinginpainastherestofthecrewflewtomyside.Thetouristsgaspedinhorror,watchinghelplesslyasIgruntedandcursed,applyingpressure.
“Whathappened?”
“Isheokay?”
“OhGod,ifthere’sblood,I’llpassout.”
Ihadtostrainagainsttheurgetolaughatthatlastone,whichIwasalmostpositivecamefromthehotmomwiththegreatrack.
Logansprintedover,hisfacepaleasheshovedPJoutofthewaytogettome.
“Shit,Noah.What’dyoudo?Areyouokay?”HethwackedPJ’sshoulder.“GogetGus!”
“Wait!”Icalled,stillgrimacingasIheldupmyhand.Itwasinatightfist,andwitheveryone’seyesfixedonit,IslowlyrolledmyfingersofmyfreehandbesideitlikeIwascoaxingopenaJackintheBox,andIflippedmylittlebrotheroffwithashit-eatinggrin.
Theguysalllaughedasmybrotherletoutafrustratedsigh,rollinghiseyesbeforegrabbingmyneckinachokehold.Ishovedhimoffme,stealinghishatandtossingitonmyownheadbackwardasIracedtowardhistourgroup.
“Sorryaboutthescare,folks,”Isaid,playingoffthecharmofthedrawlIwasgivennaturallyfrombeingbornandraisedinStratford.“Couldn’tpassuptheopportunitytogivemylittlebrotherhereahardtime.”
Therewerestillsomelooksofconfusionaimedourway,butslowly,theyallsmiledasreliefwashedoverthem.
“So,you’reokay?”Iheardasoftvoiceask.“You’renothurt?”
Itwasthemom,andIleanedagainstoneofthemachinesononearmasIcrookedasmileather.
“OnlybythefactthatI’vegonemywholelifewithoutknowingyou,sweetheart.”
Herfriendsallgiggled,oneofthemwearingaBRIDETOBEbuttonthatIhadn’tnoticedbefore.ThemomwasstillblushingasLoganrippedhishatfrommyhead,shovingmebacktowardthebarrelI’dabandoned.
“Alright,Casanova.Leavemygroupalone.”
“JustmakingtheirtourofScooterWhiskeyDistilleryonethey’llneverforget,littlebro,”Ichided,winkingoncemoreatthemombeforeIgotbacktowork.
Loganwasalreadycontinuingonwiththenextpartofhistourashewalkedthegroupout,andIheldthemom’seyestheentirewayuntilshewasoutthedoor.
IimaginedI’dfindherattheonlybarintownlatertonight.
Martygripedatmeforbeingstupid,asPJandEligavemesubtlehighfives.Theywereallusedtomypranks,especiallyatmybrothers’expense.Whenyougrowupinthesametown,withthesamepeople,allworkingatthesameplaceanddoingthesamedamnjob,youlearntomakethemostofwhatlittlefunyoucanslipintotheeverydayroutine.
“Noah.”
Gus’svoicesoberedme,andIdroppedmycockysmirk,straighteningathiscall.
“Myoffice.Now.”
Hehadn’tevenrisenfromhischair,butIknewhe’dheardthecommotionfromtheprank.MyconfidenceinbeinguntouchableasaScooteremployeeslippedalittleasIpeeledoffmyworkglovesandmademywaytohisoffice.
“Shutthedoorbehindyou,”hesaidwithoutlookingup.
Myearsrangalittleatthesuddenquietness,andIletthedoorlatchshutbeforetakingaseatinoneofthetwochairsacrossfromhim.
Guseyedmeoverthepapershewasstillrunningoverhishands,onebrowarchingbeforehesighedanddroppedthepaperstohisdesk.“Firstofall,eventhoughIappreciateyoubringingsomelaughterintothisplace,don’tplayaroundwhenitcomestojobsafety,okay?”
“Yes,sir.”
“IknowLoganisyourbrother,andIdon’tmindtheoccasionalprank.Butslicingafingeroffisnolaughingmatter.Ourfounderisproofofthat.”
Thestoryofourfounderpassingawayfromaminorfingerinjurywasonewealwaystoldtothetoursthatpassedthrough.Herewasthishealthyman,olderbutnotsufferingfromanyillnesses,andintheend,itwashispridethatgothim.He’dcuthismiddlefingerrightwhereitconnectedatthebaseofhishand,butratherthantellingsomeone,hejustwrappeditupandwentabouthisnormalroutine.
Infectiontookhislifewellbeforeitwastime.
“Iunderstand,sir.Itwon’thappenagain.”
“Good.”Hekickedbackinhischair,runningahandoverhisbaldheadashiseyesfelltothepaperagain.“We’vegotapotentialbuyerherewhowantsoneofoursingle-barrels.But,thesituationisalittleprecarious.”
“Howso?”
Itwasn’tstrangeforGustoaskmetoshowoneofourrarebarrelstopotentialbuyers,mostlyoldergentlemanwithtoomuchmoneytoknowwhattodowithitanymore.Eachbarrelsoldforupwardsoffifteen-thousanddollars,mostofthatmoneygoingtogoodol’UncleSam.
“Well,thebuyerisonlynineteen.”
“That’sillegal.”
“Thanksforstatingtheobvious.”Gusthumpedahandonthestackofpapershe’dbeenstaringat.“She’saBarnett.”
Iwhistled.“Ah.So,wecan’tsayno.”
“Wecan’tsayno.”
“Butwealsocan’tletitgetout,especiallysinceBriarCountyisjustlookingforareasontoshutusdownagain.”
“Youcatchonfast.”
Inodded,scratchingatthescruffonmyjaw.TheBarnett’swereoneofthemostinfluentialfamiliesinthetown,rightnexttotheScootersand,atonetime,theBeckers.TheBarnettshadalonglineofmayorsintheirfamilyline,andiftheywantedasingle-barrelofScooterWhiskey,therewasnosayingno—regardlessoftheage.
“When’sthisgirlcomingin?”
“She’sherenow,actually.WhichiswhyIcalledyouin.Ineedyoutoshowherthebarrel,butkeepitlowkey.Don’tdoournormaltasting,justtobesafe.Showhertheroom,giveherthefluffybreakdownofwhathermoney’sgettingher,andgetheroutofhere.”
“Areherparentsgoingtopickupthebarrelattheceremony?”
Everyyear,wehostedabigceremony—betterdescribedasabackwoodsparty—toannouncethedifferentbarrels,theirdistinctnotesandflavors,andtheirnewowners.Wealsocrackedopenoneofthesingle-barrelsforthetowntoindulgein.Itwastheonlybarrelnotsoldtothehighestbidder.
“Apparently,herfiancéis.He’stwenty-four,sohe’slegal.”
“Whycan’thebetheonetocheckitout,then?”
Guspinchedhisbrow.“Idon’tknow,thegirlwantstogiveittohimasaweddinggift,Iguess.She’swaiting,bytheway,andIjustwantthistakencareof.Canyouhandleit?”
“I’monit.”
Withoutanotherword,Gusdismissedme,morethanhappytoletmedohisdirtywork.
Islippedintoouroneandonlybathroominourlittleshareofthedistillery,washingmyhandsandfacethebestIcouldwithshortnotice.Notthatitmattered.ThekindofpeoplewhocouldaffordtospendwhatI’dpayforagoodcaronabarrelofwhiskeydidn’tgiveashitwhatIlookedlikewhenItoldthemaboutit.Theyonlycaredabouttheliquidgoldinside.
So,Idriedmyfaceandhands,rehearsingthewordsI’dsaidtohundredsofrichmenandwomenbeforethisoneasGus’sentimentrangtrueinmyownmind.
“Let’sgetthisoverwith.”Noah
AnytimeIhadtogotothewelcomecenter,Ialwaysgarneredmorethanafewcuriouslooks.
Therewereseveralsmallgroupsoftouristsmillingaboutthewelcomecenter,takingpictureswithourfounder’sstatueandreadingaboutthetransitionofourbottlesthroughouttheyearsastheywaitedfortheirtourslot.AsImademywaythrough,headsturned,browsarchingastheytookinmyappearance.Itmadesense,seeingashowIwasalwaysdirty,andalittlesmelly.MymomwouldarguethatthereasontheystoppedtostarewasbecauseIwas“handsomeenoughtomakeachurchchoirstutterinunison.”
ShesaidIgotthatfrommydad,too.
Istillsaiditwasthewholesmellything.
Ismiledatapairofolderwomenneartheticketdeskwhoweren’ttheleastbitashamedastheyogledme.Theirhusbands,ontheotherhand,glaredatmelikeIwasabugthatneededtobesquashed.Ijustsmiledatthem,too,andkeptmyheaddown.
“NoahBecker,”aloud,boisterous,andfamiliarvoicegreetedasInearedtheticketdesk.“TowhatdoIowethepleasure?”
“Cametobegyouforadate,ofcourse.”Ileanedoverthedeskcasually,cockysmirkinplace.“What’dyasay,Lucy?LetmespinyouaroundonthedancefloorthisFriday?”
Shecackled,herbrighteyescrinklingunderherblushingcheeks.Herskinwasadarkumber,butIalwayscaughtthehintofredwhenIflirtedwithLucy.Shewasmymom’sage,asweetwomanwhohadareputationforfatteningallofusatthedistilleryupwithherhomemadesweetpotatopie.
“Youcouldn’thandleme.”
“Oh,don’tIknowit.”Itappedaknuckleonthedesk,lookingaroundtheseatingarea.“I’mlookingforthepotentialbarrelbuyer.Shewassupposedtobewaitinguphere.”
“Ah,”Lucysaid,herlipspokingoutasshetonguedhercheek.“TheBarnett.”
“Thatbad,huh?”
Lucynoddedtowardthefrontdoors.“Tooprettyformanners,Isuppose.Butthenagain,can’treallyblameher,consideringwhohermotheris.”
Lucykepttalking,butmygazehaddriftedtothefiery-hairedgirlpacingoutside.Thesunlightreflectedoffherauburnhairlikeitwastheredsea,hereyesshieldedbysunglassestoobigforherfaceasherall-whitestilettoscarriedherfromoneedgeofthesidewalktotheother.Shehadonearmcrossedoverherslimwaistline,accentedbythegoldbeltaroundhercrispwhitedress,andtheotherheldacellphoneuptoherear.Herlipsmovedasfastasherfeet,theswellspaintedthesamecrimsonshadeasherhair.
Shewasnineteen,dressedlikeshewasatleastthirty,withawalkthattoldmeshedidn’ttakeanyshit.
“Shesteppedoutsidetotakeaphonecallafewminutesago,”Lucysaid,bringingmyattentionbacktoher.“Wantmetoletherknowyou’reready?”
“No,no,”Isaidquickly,myeyestravelingbacktothegirl.“Igotit.Thanks,Lucy.”
WhenIpushedoutintotheTennesseeheat,squintingagainsttheglareofthesun,thefirstthingInoticedwereherlegs.
I’dseenthemfrominside,ofcourse,butitwasn’tuntilIwasrightuponherthatInoticedtheleandefinitionofthem.Theywerecutbyalineofmuscledefiningeachslendercalf,accentedevenmorebythepointy-toedheelsshewore.Shewassurprisinglytan,consideringherhaircolorandtheamountoffrecklesdottinghernoseandcheeks,andthatbronzeskincontrastedwithherwhitedressinawaythatmadeithardnottostare.Theskirtofthatdresswasflowyandmodest,butitrevealedjustalittlesliverofherthigh,andIhadtomentallyslapmyselfforcheckingoutafuckingteenager.
“Mama,Idon’tcareiftheflowersaredustpinkorblushpink.Thatsoundslikeexactlythesameshadetome.”Shepaused,turningononeheelasshereachedthefarendofthesidewalk.
Ikeptwatchingherlegs.
“Well,I’mnotMaryAnne.”Anotherpause.“Whydon’tyoujustcallher,then?She’dbehappytoarguewithyouaboutwhichshadeofpinkisbetter,I’msure.”
“Ms.Barnett?”
Shestoppedmid-stride,slippinghersunglassesdownhernosejustenoughtoflashherhaunting,hazeleyesatmebeforetheshadeswerebackinplaceagain.
“Ihavetogo,Mama.Ithinkthe…”Shehesitated,assessingmyappearance.“Ithinkthefinegentlemanwhowillbeshowingmethebarrelishere.”
Ismirked,crossingmyarmsovermychest.IfshethoughtIwasgoingtobackdownfromherI’m-better-than-youattitude,shewasmistaken.
“Yes,I’llcomerighthomeafter.Right.Okay,okay.”Shesighed,tappingherfootbeforeshepulledthephoneawayfromherear.“Okay,gottago,BYE.”
Whenthecallwasended,sheletoutanotherlongbreath,pullinghershouldersbackstraightasifthatbreathhadgivenhercomposure.Sheforcedasmileinmydirection,thephoneslippingintoherlargehandbagasshesteppedtowardme.
“Hi,”shegreeted,extendingherlefthand.Itdangledlimplyfromherdaintywrist,adiamondringthesizeofanickelglimmeringinthesunlightonherringfingerasithungbetweenus.“I’mRubyGraceBarnett.Areyoushowingmemybarreltoday?”
“Iam.”Itookherhandinmyown,hersoftskinlikesilkinmycalloused,dirtypalm.
Hernosecrinkledasshewithdrewherhand,andsheinspecteditfordirtasshereachedintoherbag,pullingoutasmalltubeofhandsanitizer.
“I’vebeenwaitingforever.”Shesquirtedadropofthecleanerinherhandandrubbedittogetherwiththeother.“Canwemovethisalong?”
Isniffed,tuckingmyhandsinmypockets.“Ofcourse.Myapologies,ma’am.”
Istartedoffinthedirectionofthewarehousethatstoredoursinglebarrels,notcheckingtoseeifshewasfollowing.Iheardtheclick-clackofherheelsbehindme,herstepsquickeningtocatchup.
“Ma’am,”sherepeatedincredulously.“That’swhatpeoplecallmymother.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid,notanounceofactualapologyinmyvoice.“WouldyoupreferMiss?”
“Iwould,”shesaid,sidlinguptomyside.Herankleswobbledalittlewhenwehitthegravelroad.“Isthere…arewewalkingtheentireway?”
Ieyedherfootwear.“Weare.Yougoingtomakeit?”
Thetruthwas,wehadagolfcartreservedspecificallyforshowingourclientsthesinglebarrels.Inthebackofmymind,IknewIshouldgrabit.MissBarnettwasapotentialbuyer.ButthewayLucyhadrespondedtomymentionofhername,andthewayshe’dpracticallycurledherlipatthesightofmewasenoughtomakemeconvenientlyforgetaboutthecart.
LittleMissRubyGracecouldwalkinthoseheelsshelovedtotapsomuch.
Shenarrowedhereyesatmyassumption.“I’llmakeitjustfine.I’mjustsurprisedyoudon’thave…optionsforyourclients.EspeciallyconsideringthepriceoftheproductI’mheretoinquireabout.”
Thewordswerestrangeasshespokethem,holdingalevelofarrogancebutsoftenedbytheliltofherTennesseetwang.Itwaslikeshewasstillalittlegirl,playingdressupinhermom’sheels,tryingtobeolderthanshewas.
Istoppedabruptly,andRubyGracenearlyranintomebeforeherheelsdugintothegravel.
“Icouldcarryyou,”Ioffered,holdingmyarmsout.
Herlittlemouthpoppedopen,hergazeslippingovermydirtyt-shirt.Eventhoughshewaseyeingmelikeamudpuddleshehadtomaneuveraround,Inotedtheslighttingeofpinkonhercheeks,thebobofherthroatassheswallowed.
“Idon’tneedyoutocarryme,sir.”Sheadjustedthebagonhershoulder.“Whatisyourname,anyway?”
“Doesitmatter?”
Istartedwalkingagain,andshehuffed,hurryingtocatchup.
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
Itmeans,Iknowyoudon’tgivearat’sasswhatmynameisandyou’llforgetitassoonasyouwalkoutofthisdistilleryandbackintoyourlittlesilver-spoonworld.
Isighed,bitingmytongueagainsttheurgetobeanasshole.
“Noah.”
“Noah,”sherepeated,rubbingherlipstogetherafterward,likeshewastastingeachsyllableofmyname.“Nicetomeetyou.”
Ididn’trespond,reachingforwardtounlockthewarehousedoor,instead.Oncethelockclicked,Ituggeditopen,gesturingforRubyGracetoenter.
Shesteppedthroughthedoorframe,pushingherglassesuptorestontopofherheadashereyesadjustedtothedimlighting.Thedistinctsmellofoakandyeastsettledinaroundus,andwhenthedoorclosed,RubyGrace’seyesfoundme,wideandcurious.
“Wait,”shesaidasIflippedonafewmorelights.“You’reNoahBecker,aren’tyou?”
Theskinonmyneckprickledatthewayshesaidmylastname,asifitsaidmoreaboutmethanmydirtyclothesinhermind.
“Whataboutit?”Iturnedonher,andshewassoclose,herchestnearlybrushedmine.Shewasstillafewinchesshorterthanme,eveninherheels,buthereyesmetmineconfidently.
“Oh,I’msorry,”shesaid,takingatentativestepback.“Ididn’tmeanitinanyway.It’sjust,Iusedtositbehindyouinchurch.WhenIwaslittle.”Hercheeksflamed.“Wewouldplaythisgame…ohgosh,nevermind.Ifeelsosilly.”
Shewavedmeoff,steppingevenfartherawayasherheaddipped.Sheclaspedherhandstogetheratherwaist,waitingformetospeak,toleadusthroughthetoweringrowsofbarrels,butIjuststaredather.
Itwaslikeseeingherforthefirsttime.
Thatoneapology,thatawarenessofherself,itwasgenuineandtrue.Itwastheyounggirlsheactuallywas,slippingthroughthefa?adeshe’dpaintedsowell.
AndIsmiled.
BecauseIdidremember.
Iwasn’tsurehowIhadn’tputtwoandtwotogether,butthenagain,howcouldIrecognizethestunning,classywomanbeforemeasthesamefreckle-facedkidwhousedtokickthebackofmypew?She’dbeenjustagirlthen,andIhadbeeneighteen,freshoutofhighschoolandjustasboredinchurchasshewas.Icouldn’tevenrememberwhatthegamewasthatweplayed,onlythatitusedtomakehergigglesohardhermotherwouldthumpheronthewristwithherrolled-upprogram.
Ismiledatthememory,andthenithitme.
I’djustcheckedoutawomanwhousedtobetheannoyinglittlekidbehindmeinchurch.
Newlow,Becker.
“Youwerealittleshit,”Ifinallysaid.
Hereyeswidened,asmallsmilepaintingherlips.“SaystheBecker.Youboysarenotoriousforcausingtrouble.”
“Weliketohavefun.”
Shelaughed.“That’sonewaytoputit.”
Hereyestwinkledabitunderthelowlightingassheassessedmeinanewway.Shedidn’tlookatmelikeIwasdirtyandbeneathher,butratherlikeIwasanoldfriend,onewhoremindedherofyouth.
Shewasonlynineteen,butthesadnessinhereyesinthatmomenttoldmeshelostherinnocencealongtimeago.
Ididn’trealizeIwasstaringather,thatwe’dgravitatedtowardeachotherjustmarginallyuntilsheclearedherthroatandsteppedaninchback.
“So,”shesaid,eyessurveyingthebarrels.Theywerestackedthirtyhighandahundredback,eachofthemagingtotheperfecttaste.“Whichofthesebeautiesismine?”
“Thesinglebarrelsarebackhere,”Isaid,walkingusdownoneofthelongrowsofbarrels.
RubyGrace’seyesscannedthewoodenbeastsaswewalked,andIopenedmymouthtospoutofftheusualsellingpointsofasinglebarrel—howlimitedtheyare,hownooneelsewouldhaveabarrelofwhiskeythattastedlikehers,howeachbarrelwasageddifferently,fordifferenttimeperiods,andatdifferenttemperatures.Butthewordsdiedinmymouthbeforetheycouldcomeout,aquestionforming,instead.
“So,you’rebuyingabarrelforyourfiancé,huh?”
Hereyeswerestillonthebarrels,thecornersofthemcreasingalittleasabreathescapedthroughherpartedlips.
“That’sright.”
Ieyedherringagain.
“When’sthebigday?”
“SixweeksfromSunday,”shesighedthewords,fingersreachinguptodragalongthewoodasherheelsclickedalongintheotherwise-silentwarehouse.
Iwhistled.“That’sprettysoon.Youready?”
RubyGracestopped,herfingersstillonthewoodassheeyedmeunderfurrowedbrows.“What?”
Iarchedabrow.DidIsaysomethingwrong?
“Forthewedding?Tobemarried?Youknow,commityourselftosomeonefortherestofyourlife,thatlittlethingyousaidyesto?”
Sheswallowed.“I…Well,noonehasaskedmethat.”
“Nooneaskedyouifyouwerereadytogetmarried?”
Sheshookherhead.
Somehow,therowsofbarrelsfeltsmaller,narrower,liketheyweremovinginoneithersideofus,pushingustogethercentimeterbycentimeter.
Therewassomuchwrongwiththefactthatnoonehadaskedherthatpivotalquestion—atleast,inmymind.Herewasthisyounggirl,noteventwentyyearsold,notevenclosetoherprimeyears,andshewassettlingdown.Itwasn’tunheardofinStratford,oranywhereelseinSmalltown,USA.Plentyofmyfriendsgotmarriedrightoutofhighschool.Mostofthemhadkidsbeforetheycouldevenhavealegaldrink.
Butsomethingtoldmethatwasn’twhatRubyGracehadpicturedforherself.
“Well,I’masking.Areyouready?”
Sheblinked,anditwasasifthatblinkstirredherfromthethoughtsshe’dbeentossingaround.Shestartedwalkingagain,foldingherarmsgentlyoverherchest.Iwatchedhertrytosliponthesamedisguiseshe’dbeenwearingwhensheintroducedherselftome.Shewantedtheworldtobelieveshewaspoised—apolishedwoman,adignifiedladywhodidn’ttakeshit.
Butthetruthwas,shewasstillagirl,too.Shewasstillnineteen.Whomadeherfeellikethatwasn’tokay?Tojustbeanineteen-year-oldgirlwhodoesn’thaveitallfiguredoutyet?
“Ofcourse,”shefinallyanswered.“Imean,Anthonyisgreat.He’solderthanme,twenty-fivetobeexact,andhe’ssomature.Hejustgraduatedwithhismaster’sinPoliticalSciencefromNorthCarolina.That’swherewemet,”shesaid,herheadleaningtowardmeabitonthatnote.“Atapartyoncampus.Hesaidthefirsttimehesawme,heknewI’dbehiswifeoneday.Whichissosweet.Andhe’sontracktobeinpoliticsforlife.”Shesmiled,butitdidn’tmasktheslightshakeofhervoice.“TheengagementhappenedalittlefasterthanIexpected…Imean,we’veonlyknowneachotherayear.ButIthinkwhenyouknow,youknow.Youknow?”
Ismirkedinlieuofanswering.
“AndMamawassoexcitedwhenweannouncedourengagement,shewantedtodotheweddingrightaway.It’scrazy,knowingwehavewhatusuallyisaboutayear’sworthofworktodoinsixweeks.But,she’sbeentakingcareofalotofit…Lordknowsthatwomanlovesaproject.”Hervoicetrailedoffonasoftlaughbeforeshespokeagain.“AndAnthony,he’sexactlywhatmyfamilyhadinmindforme.Andwegetalong,youknow?Wehavesomuchfun.”
Whydiditfeellikeshewastryingtoconvinceme?Ormaybe,itwasherselfshewastryingtoconvince.
“Andyoulovehim,”Ipointedout.
Shepaused,eyesflickingtomineasshetuckedastrandofhairbehindherear.“Right.AndIlovehim.”
Icouldhavestaredatherallday,decipheringherlikeariddlethathadanobviousanswerifIjustthoughtaboutitlongenough.Butsheshiftedundermygaze,andoneglanceattherockonherfingerremindedmethatshewassomeoneelse’spuzzletoputtogether—notmine.
“Well,heretheyare,”Isaid,tappingoneofthebarrelsonthebackwall.Theywerestackedjustashighastherestoftheroom,eachbarrelstampedwithabatchnumberandanexclusive,gold-platedplaquethathadallthedetailsaboutwhenitwasdistilled,barreled,whatrowsit’sbeenagedinovertime,andmore.
“Therearesomany,”shesaid,eyesscanningup.“HowdoIchoose?Imean,shouldIbelookingforsomethingspecific?”
Iscratchedatmyjaw.“Imean,thereisincrediblewhiskeyinsideeachandeveryoneofthesebarrels.Partofwhatmakesbuyingasinglebarrelsoenticingisthatyou’llhaveaone-of-a-kindwhiskey,”Isaid,finallyrememberingtogiveherthespielI’dputoffbefore.“Usually,weletourpotentialbuyerstasteafewtocomparebut…”Ismirked.“Thereisthatwholelegaldrinkingagedebacle.”
RubyGracelaughed.“Oh.Yeah.Thatoldthing.”
Sheswayedfromfoottofoot,grimacingalittleassheeyedthebarrels.
“Areyouokay?”
Herfacetwistedagainassheshiftedherbodyweighttoherleftfoot.“Yes.Sorry,it’sjustthesestupidshoes.ItoldmymomIdidn’tneedtowearheelstoinspectwhiskeybarrels,butshewasnothavingitwithmewearingboots.”
Forasplitsecond,Ipicturedherinsaidboots.Iwonderedifthebrownleatherwouldcapoffunderherknee,ifherthighswouldhavebeenevenmoreexposedintheshortsshewouldhavepairedwiththoseboots.Orwouldshehavewornjeans,coveringherlegsaltogether?
Stopthinkingaboutherlegs,Becker.
“Takethemoff.”
Herbrowsshotup,eyeswideningastheyfoundmine.
“What?”Sheasked,laughing.“Ican’tjusttakemyshoesoff.”Shethrewherarmsup,gesturingtooursurroundings.“We’reinanold,dirtywarehouse.”
“Youactlikeyouweren’tbornandraisedinanold,dirtytown.”
“Yeah,well,”shesaid,crossingherarms.“Iwasn’texactlyworkinginthedistilleryoroutraisingcowsontheoutskirts,nowwasI?Alittlebitofadifferentsettingwhenyou’retheMayor’sdaughter.”
Shetriedtosmile,butasoftcurseleftherlipswhensheshiftedherweightagain.
Withouthesitation,Ireachedbackforthecollarofmyt-shirtandrippeditupovermyhead,layingitdownonthegroundatherfeet.
“Here,”Isaid,holdingoutmyhand.“Youcanstandonthat.Itmightnotbeafreshlypolishedmarblefloor,butyourpreciousfeetshouldsurvive.”
RubyGracewasgaping,herjawcompletelyunhingedashereyescrawledovermyabdomenandchest.“I…”
“Shoes.Off.”Ipointedatherfeet.“Youdothat,andI’llletyoutasteafewbarrels.Justdon’ttellanyone,leastofallyourparents.”
Shechuckled,butfinallysteppedoutofherheels.Theyfellontheirsidesasarelievedsighslippedthroughherlips,andIwatchedherpolishedtoescurlonmyt-shirt.
“God,thatfeelssomuchbetter.”
Ishookmyhead,reachingbackbehindthefirstrowofbarrelsforthetastingglasseswehousedthere.“Areyoualwayssostubborn?”
“Iwasn’tbeingstubborn.”
“Iguessthat’smyanswer,”Isaid,pouringatinysplashfromoneofthebarrelsbeforeholdingtheglasstowardher.“Here.Takeasip.”
“Oh,no,”shesaidquickly,shakingherhead.“It’sokay.Likeyousaid,I’munderage.”
“Soyou’veneverhadasipofalcoholinyourlife?”Ichallenged.
Shebitherlip.“Imean…Ihave,butnotwhiskey.That’saman’sdrink.”
Atthat,Ifullonbelly-laughed.“Whatthehellkindoftalkisthat?Whiskeyisaman’sdrink?”Ishookmyhead.“It’swhiskey.It’sexpensivewhiskey,atthat.AndIassureyou,it’sdelicious—whetheryouhavetitsornot.”
RubyGraceblushed,bitingherlipagainstasmile.“God,sorry.Isoundlikemymother.Moreandmoreeverydaynow,actually,”shemused,glancingdownathertoesbeforehereyesfoundtheglassinmyhandagain.
Ipushedittowardher.“Justasip.You’renotevengoingtogetclosetofeelingabuzz.Butthisway,youcantastethedifferencebetweenafewbarrelsthatwereagedindifferentways.”Iswallowed.“Youcanpickouttheperfectoneforyourfuturehusband.”
Shehesitated,butherhandreachedforward,takingtheothersideoftheglass.Ourfingertipsbrushedjustslightly,justenoughtomakemejerkmyownhandaway.
“And,hey,bonus,”Icontinued,shakingofftheawkwardtension.“Youcanbeas‘unladylike’asyouwanthere.Iwon’tjudge.Youcanevenburp,ifyou’rereallyfeelingfrisky.”
RubyGracelaughed,eyeingthewhiskeylikeshestillwasn’tsurebeforesheshruggedandtiltedtheglassinmydirection.“Oh,whatthehell.Bottomsup.”
Shetookasip,andthenpromptlygrimacedandstuckhertongueoutassoonasshe’dswallowed.
“God,that’sawful.”Sheshookherhead,shovingtheglassbackinmydirection.“Definitelynotdoingthatagain.”
Ilaughed,rinsingtheglasswithasplashofwaterfromthebottleswekeptnearbybeforefillingitwiththesamewhiskey.
“Okay,thatwasmybad.MaybeIshouldhavetoldyouhowtotasteitfirst.”Ihandedittoheragain,thoughsheeyeditlikeitwaspoison.“Smellitfirst.”
ShedidasIsaid,uncertaintyshadingherfaceasshelookedmywayagain.“I’mnotsureI’mdoingitright.”
“You’renotsureyou’resmellingright?”
Shenarrowedhereyes.“YouknowwhatImean.Idon’t…Idon’tknowanythingaboutthisstuff.”
“It’sokay,that’swhyI’mhere.”Isteppedclosertoher,takingtheglassfromherhand,andwhenIinhaledtodemonstrate,itwasherIsmelledinsteadofthewhiskey.
Shesmelledlikelavender,likeanopenfieldintheheatofsummer.
“Watch,”Isaid,takinganotherbreath,thistimefocusingonthewhiskey.“Yousmellitfirst,andaskyourselfwhatyousmell.Oak?Vanilla?Honey?Maple?Everywhiskeyisdifferent,dependingonhowit’saged,howthebarrelsarecharredandtoasted.Seewhatnotesyoucandetectfirst.Andthen,”Icontinued,takingmyfirstsip.Iletitlingerinmymouth,swirlingitaroundbeforeswallowinggently.“Tasteit.Imean,reallytasteit.Doesitgiveyoudifferentflavorsonthetipofyourtonguethanitdoesontheback?Doesitburngoingdown,orisitjustwarm?Andwhat’stheaftertaste?”
RubyGracewatchedme,fascinated,herlipspartedsoftly,eyesfallingtomybarechestwhereasmalldropofwhiskeyhadlanded.Ithumbeditaway,handinghertheglassagain.
“Now,youtry.”
Shetookadeepbreath,likesheneededtofocustoreallydoitright,andthensherepeatedmysteps.Andthistime,whenshefinishedswallowing,shesmiled.
“Wow,”shesaid.“It’sdifferentwhenyoudon’tjustthrowitbacklikeashot.”
Ichuckled.“Well,thisisn’tshootingwhiskey.It’sTennesseeSippin’Whiskey,”Isaid,tiltingmyimaginaryhat.Ituckedmyhandsinmypockets,noddingtowardthenextbarrel.“Takealittlefromthatone.”
“Icanpouritmyself?”
Inodded.“Justtwistthatspoutalittle,nottoomuch.Youdon’tneedalottotasteit.”
Shewashesitantasshepouredasipintoherglass,andhereyeslitup,alittlesquealofjoypoppingfromhermouth.“Ididit!”
Andforthenexttenminutes,IwatchedRubyGracebeagirl.
Shewassofarfromthesnottywomanwhohadofferedmeherhandlikeaprizewhenwefirstmet.Shewasjustateenager,asoon-to-besophomoreincollege,drinkingwhiskey,learningsomethingnewandhavingfun.
Iwonderedwhenthelasttimewasthatshehadfun.
Iwonderedifshe’deverhadfunatall.
Thewayshelookedwhenshelaughed,Ihopedshehad.Ihopeditwasn’tthefirsttimethatlaughhadbeengenuine,thefirsttimethatsoundhadmadeitswayintotheairwaves.Shelaughedthewaythewindblew—softly,andthenallatonce,withoutanounceofshameforhowthatsoundmightpermanentlyshifttheatmospherearoundit.
Whenshe’ddecidedonthebarrelshewanted,RubyGraceregretfullyslippedbackintoherheels,andItuggedmyt-shirtonbeforeleadingusoutofthewarehouseandtowardthewelcomecenter.
“So,”Isaid,walkingslowsoshedidn’tkillherfeetintheprocessofgettingbacktohercar.“WhatareAnthony’splanswhenyougobacktoschoolinthefall?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,areyouguysmovingintogetherandhe’sgettingajobthere?Orareyouguysdoinglongdistanceforawhileorwhat?”
Shelaughed,herhairfallingoverherfacealittleasshewatchedourfeet.“I’mnotgoingbacktoschool.”
“Oh…”Ipaused.“Youdon’twantto?”
“Imean,IguessIdo…but,there’snopoint.Youknow?I’mgettingmarried.I’llbehiswifenow,andI’llhavesomuchtodo.He’salreadygettingintothepoliticalarena,andhe’llneedmetobebyhisside,campaigningandnetworkingandallthat.”Sheshrugged.“Idon’treallyneedadegreetodothat.”
“Isthatwhatyouwanttodo?”
“Itdoesn’tmatterifit’swhatIwanttodo,”shesaidquickly.“It’swhatIwasbredtodo.”
“Bred?”Ifrowned.“You’renotahorse.You’reahuman.”
RubyGracestoppedwithanabruptclickofherheelsoncewereachedthewelcomecenterentrance,andshecrossedherarmsdefiantlyashereyesfoundmine.Shedidn’tevenhavetosayanotherwordformetoknowI’dpushedthewrongbutton,andIwasabouttogetthesamewomanImetinthisveryspotanhourbefore.
“Look,youdon’tknowanythingaboutme,okay?Ormyfamily,orwhatIwantorwhatIdon’twant,sojuststoptryingtopresumewhateveritisyou’represuming.”
“Oh,lookatyou,”Ichided,steppingintoherspace.“Usingbigwordsagain.”
Shescoffed.“Theysaynothingchangeswhenyouleavethistownandcomeback,Iguessyoujustprovedthemright.”
“Well,that’smyjob,”Ifiredback.“Provingtheominoustheyright.GladI’vestillgotit.”
Ourchestswerecloseagain,thestainsonmyoff-whitet-shirthighlightingthecrispcleannessofherdress.
“Lucywilltakeyourmoneyinside,”Isaid,noddingtothedoorsbehindher.“Congratulationsonyourengagement.”
Iturnedjustashermouthpoppedopen,butIdidn’tlookback.
“Thanksforthetasting,”shesaid,makingsurehervoicewasloudandclear.
“Goaheadandsayitlouder,princess,”Ithrewbehindme.“You’dbeinjustasmuchshitasIwould.”
Shedidn’trespondtothat,andwhenIchancedaglancebackinherdirection,therewassteamrollingoffthatcutefaceofhersassherippedthedoortothewelcomecenteropen.
AndIcouldn’thelpit—Ichuckled.
Ididn’tmeantoruffleherfeathers,butdamnifIdidn’tlikegettingunderthatprettybird’sskin.
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Thisbookwouldneverhavegottendoneifitweren’tformydearfriendandangelofanassistant,TinaStokes,whotookcareofquiteliterallyeverythingelsesoIcouldfocusonwriting.Thankyoufortakingcareofmealwaysandforlovingmycharacterslikethey’reyourown.
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Myearlyreaderteamforthisbookwasexpansive,andnotwithoutreason.IwantedtomakesureIwasdoingjusticeinmanyareas,fromLeo’sPuertoRicanheritagetothevideogameculture.Ialsowantedtoensurethatwhenreadersleftthisseries,theirheartswouldbefull.Noneofthatwouldhavebeenpossiblewithoutmyamazingteam.
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ElaineYorkofAllusionPublishing—thefactthatyouliterallyeditedthiswithabusteduphand???YoualwaysprioritizemeandmakemydeadlinesworkevenwhenIputyouthroughtheringer.Pleasedon’teverleaveme,andknowthatmyloveandappreciationforyouknowsnolimits.
ToRenSaliba,thankyouforsharingyourphotographswithmeandallowingmetobringLeo,hislips,andhisnecklacestolife.
AbigshoutouttomyfriendsatValentinePRforspreadingthewordaboutthisseriesandhelpingothersfallinlovewithit.Nina,Kim,Sarahandtherest,Icouldn’tdothiswithoutyouonmyside.
Finally,toYOU,thereader.Whetheryouhavebeenwithmefortenyearsoryoujustfoundme,whetheryou’vereadonlythisbookorafeworallthirty-threeofthem—youarethereasonIamheredoingwhatIlove.Icanneverthankyouenough,butIcanpromisetokeepbringingyoustoriesaslongasmybrainkeepsdreamingthemup.KandiSteinerisanAmazonTop5bestsellingauthorandwhiskeyconnoisseurlivinginTampa,FL.Bestknownforwriting“emotionalrollercoaster”stories,shelovesbringingflawedcharacterstolifeandwritingaboutreal,rawromance—inallitsforms.NotwoKandiSteinerbooksarethesame,andifyou’realoverofangsty,emotional,andinspirationalreads,she’syourgal.
AnalumnaoftheUniversityofCentralFlorida,KandigraduatedwithadoublemajorinCreativeWritingandAdvertising/PRwithaminorinWomen’sStudies.Shestartedwritingbackinthe4thgradeafterreadingthefirstHarryPotterinstallment.In6thgrade,shewroteandeditedherownnewspaperanddistributedtoherclassmates.Eventually,theprincipalcaughtonandthenewspaperwasquicklyhalted,thoughKanditriedfightingforher“freedomofpress.”
Shetookparticularinterestinwritingromanceaftercollege,asshehasalwaysbeenadiehardhopelessromantic,andlikestohighlightallthechallengesofloveaswellasthetriumphs.
WhenKandiisn’twriting,youcanfindherreadingbooksofallkinds,planninghernextadventure,orpoledancing(yes,youreadthatright).Sheenjoyslivemusic,traveling,playingwithherfurbabiesandsoakingupthesweetnessoflife.
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KandiSteinermaybecomingtoacitynearyou!Checkouther“events”tabtoseeallthesigningsshe’sattendinginthenearfuture:
?www.kandisteiner.com/events
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