RomanticComedyisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsaretheproductsoftheauthor’simagination,orareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,locales,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright?2023byCurtisSittenfeld
Allrightsreserved.
PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyRandomHouse,animprintanddivisionofPenguinRandomHouseLLC,NewYork.
RandomHouseandtheHousecolophonareregisteredtrademarksofPenguinRandomHouseLLC.
GratefulacknowledgmentismadetoHalLeonardLLCforpermissiontoreprintanexcerptfrom“DairyQueen”,wordsandmusicbyAmyRay,copyright?2004bySongsofUniversal,Inc.andGodhapMusic.AllrightsadministeredbySongsofUniversal,Inc.Allrightsreserved.ReprintedbypermissionofHalLeonardLLC.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Sittenfeld,Curtis,author.
Title:Romanticcomedy:anovel/CurtisSittenfeld.
Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork:RandomHouse,[2023]
Identifiers:LCCN2022050530(print)|LCCN2022050531(ebook)|ISBN9780399590948(Hardback)|ISBN9780399590955(Ebook)
Classification:LCCPS3619.I94R662023(print)|LCCPS3619.I94(ebook)|DDC813/.6—dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/?2022050530
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/?2022050531
InternationaleditionISBN?9780593597255
EbookISBN?9780399590955
randomhousebooks.com
BookdesignbyElizabethA.D.Eno,adaptedforebook
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ep_prh_6.0_143150124_c0_r0Contents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Epilogue
Dedication
Acknowledgments
ByCurtisSittenfeld
AbouttheAuthor
_143150124_PROLOGUE
February2018Youshouldnot,I’vereadmanytimes,reachforyourphonefirstthinginthemorning—thenews,socialmedia,andemailsalldisruptthenaturalstagesofwakingandcreatestress—whichishowI’llprefacethefactthatwhenIreachedformyphonefirstthingonemorningandlearnedthatDannyHorstandAnnabelLilyweredating,Iwasfurious.
Iwasn’tfuriousbecauseIwasinlovewithDannyHorstor,forthatmatter,withAnnabelLily.NorwasIfuriousbecausetwomorepeopleintheworldhadfoundromanticblisswhileIremainedmostlysingle.AndIwasn’tfuriousthatIhadn’theardthenewsdirectlyfromDanny,eventhoughwesharedanoffice.ThereasonIwasfuriouswasthatAnnabelLilywasagorgeous,talented,world-famousmoviestar,andDannywasaschlub.Hewasn’tabadguy,andhe,too,wastalented.But,forChrist’ssake,hewasaTVwriter,acomedywriter—hewasamaleversionofme.Hewaspastyskinnedandsleep-deprivedandsarcastic.And,perhapsbecausehewasmaleorperhapsbecausehewasadecadeyoungerthanIwas,hewasalotlessself-consciouslypeople-pleasingandalotmorerecklesslycrass.Atafter-parties,hewasundisguisedlyhighortripping.Hereferredoften,almostguilelessly,tobothhissocialanxietyandhispornconsumption.Whenhe’dconsideredgoingonRogaine,Ihad,athisrequest,usedhisphonetotakepicturesofthetopofhisheadsothathecouldseeexactlyhowmuchhishairwasthinningthere,andwhenheappliedthemedicationthefirsttime,I’dcheckedtomakesurethefoamwasevenlyrubbedin.AndIwassofamiliarwiththevariousgenresofhisburpsthatIcouldinferfromthemwhathe’deatenrecently.
Dannywaslikealittlebrothertome—Iadoredhim,andhestankandgotonmynerves.Buthisfoulandannoyingwayshad,apparently,notprecludedAnnabelLily’sinterest.She’dbeentheguesthostofTheNightOwlsthreeweeksprior,coincidingwiththereleaseofherlatestfilm,thefourthinanactionfranchiseinwhichsheplayedacorruptFBIagent.She’ddeliveredtheopeningmonologuewhilewearingaone-shoulderedblacksatincocktaildresswithathighslit,highlightingherslenderyetcurvybody;herlongredhairhadbeenstyledintooldHollywoodwaves.Annabelwasbeautifulandsweetandcharming,andifshedidn’thavethebestcomictiming,shewascompletelygame,whichwasjustasimportant.Inonesketch,she’dbeencalledontoplayawoodchuck,whichentailedcrawlingaroundonallfoursandwearingafurrysuitandtwoenormousprostheticfrontteeth.Infact,Dannyhadwrittenthissketch,meaningitwasplausiblethatthey’dfirstbeenattractedtoeachotherwhilerehearsingit.
ThewoodchuckpartwasendearingenoughthatImighthavebeenabletoforgivethembothexceptthattheirswasthethirdsuchpairingthathadoccurredatTNOinthelastfewyears,and,asanyoneknowswho’severwrittenajoke—orheardafairytale,orreadanarticleinthestylesectionofanewspaper—there’saruleofthree.Inthiscase,itconstitutedthetrendofaromancebetweenabonafidecelebrityandaTNOstafferwho’dmetontheshow.But,crucially,abonafidefemalecelebrityandamalestaffer.Theyearbefore,ataweddingI’dattended,anicyblondOscar-winningBritishactressnamedImogenWagnerhadmarriedacastmembernamedJoshBeekman,bestknownforhisrecurringcharacterBackneGuy.Andtheyearbeforethat,theheadwriter,ElliotMarkovitz(five-foot-eight,forty,andmyTop-Sider-wearingboss),hadmarriedamulti-platinum-album-sellingpopsingernamedNicolaDornan(five-foot-ten,thirty,andaspecialenvoyfortheU.N.).Andthis,ofcourse,wastheessenceofmyfury:thatsuchcoupleswouldneverexistwiththegendersswitched,thatagorgeousmalecelebritywouldneverfallinlovewithanordinary,dorky,unkemptwoman.Never.Nomatterhowclevershewas.
ButIalsoknew,asIlayinbedglaringatthescreenofmyphone—DannyandAnnabel’sdebutasacouplehadoccurredthenightbefore,intheformofmakingoutattheclubwhereAnnabel’stwenty-fourthbirthdaypartyhadbeenheld—thatIwouldwriteaboutmyfury.JustasIalwaysdid,I’dturnmyfeelingsintocomedy,andthatwashowI’dcuremyself.CHAPTER1
April2018WEEKLYSCHEDULEFORTHENIGHTOWLS
Monday1p.m.pitchmeetingwithguesthost
Tuesday5p.m.startofall-nightwritingsession
Wednesday12p.m.deadlineforsubmittedsketches
Wednesday3p.m.tablereadofsubmittedsketches
Wednesday9p.m.preliminaryshowlineuppostedinternally
Wednesdaynight–Saturdaymorningrehearsals;scriptsrevised;setsbuilt;specialeffectsdesigned;hair,makeup,andcostumeschosenandcreated;pre-tapesshot
Saturday1p.m.run-throughofshow
Saturday8p.m.dressrehearsalbeforealiveaudience
Saturday11:30p.m.liveshowbeforeanewaudience
Sunday1:30a.m.firstafter-partyMonday,1:10p.m.
Forthemeetingthatmarkedtheofficialstartofthatweek’sshow,Iplannedtopitchtwosketches.ButIhadthreeideas—youcouldwriteandsubmitmorebutpitchonlytwo—soI’dplaybyearwhichonesIwentwith,dependingonhowtheguesthostreactedtothepitchesprecedingmine.Aboutfortywriters,castmembers,andproducerswerecrammedintotheseventeenth-floorofficeoftheshow’screatorandexecutivedirector,NigelPetersen.Nigel’sseventeenth-flooroffice—nottobeconfusedwithhisofficeontheeighthfloor,adjacenttothestudiowheretheshowwasfilmed—wasbothwell-appointedandneverintendedasameetingplaceforanywhereclosetofortypeople.ThismeantthatNigelsatbehindhisdesk,thehostsatinaleatherarmchair,afewluckystaffersnabbedaplaceonthesolecouch,andeveryoneelseleanedagainstthewallorsatonthefloor.
Nigelstartedbyintroducingthehost,who,ashappenedaboutonceperseason,wasalsothatweek’smusicalguest.NoahBrewsterhadtwiceinthepastbeenthemusicalguest,butthiswashisfirsttimehosting.Hewasacheesilyhandsome,extremelysuccessfulsinger-songwriterwhospecializedincloyingpopmusicandwasknownfordatingmodelsintheirearlytwenties.Thoughhelookedlikeasurfer—piercingblueeyes,shaggyblondhairandstubble,abigtoothygrin,andajackedbody—I’dlearnedbyreadingthehostbiowewereemailedeachMondaymorningthathe’dgrownupinasuburbofWashington,D.C.Hewasthirty-six,thesameageIwas,andhadbeenfamouseversincereleasingthehit“MakingLoveinJuly”morethanfifteenyearsbefore,whenIwasincollege.“MakingLoveinJuly”wasapaeantorespectfullytakingthevirginityofalong-hairedgirlwith“glowyskin,”“apoutymouth,”and“raspberrynipples,”anditwasoneofthosesongsthathadforayearplayedsooftenontheradiothat,inspiteoffindingitexecrable,Iaccidentallyknewallthewords.Inthetimesincethen,NoahBrewsterhadwonmanyawardsandsoldmorethantwentymillionalbums,afigureIalsohadlearnedfromhishostbio.Itwasnotacoincidencethathistenthalbumwasbeingreleasedthefollowingweek;hosts,musicalguests,andthecombinationsthereinwereusuallyeithercelebratingnewfoundfameorpromotingimminentwork.
AfterNigelintroducedhim,NoahBrewsterlookedaroundtheroomandsaid,“Thanksforlettingamusiciancrashthecomedyparty.HostingTNOhasbeenalifelongdream,eversinceIwasamiddleschoolmisfitsneakingdowntothebasementtowatchaftermyparentswenttobed.”Hesmiledhisbigsmileatus,andIwonderedifhisteethwererealorveneers.AfternineyearsatTNO,Iwasasaccustomedasonecouldbetointeractingwithhigh-wattagecelebrities,thoughitoftenwassurprisingtodiscoverwhowasevenbetter-lookinginperson(mostofthem),whowasanasshole(notmany,butdefinitelyafew),whowasshockinglyvacuous(theleadfromapopularpoliceproceduralstoodout),andwhoyouwishedwouldstayontheshowforeverbecausetheyweresogreatinthesketchesandalsojustsofuntohangoutwithinthemiddleofthenight.
Nigelglancedtohisleft,whereawriterwassittingathisfeet,andsaid,“Benji,whydon’tyoukickthingsoff?”
BenjipitchedasketchabouttheformerFBIdirector,JamesComey,writingthememoirhe’djustpublished,dictatingDearDiary–stylegirlishreminiscences.ThenacastmembernamedOliversaidhewasworkingonanideawithRohit,anotherwriter(itwouldn’tbecomeclearuntiltheread-throughofthesketchesonWednesdayifthiswastrueoranexcuseonOliver’spart).ThenawriternamedLiannapitchedasketchwhereNoahBrewsterwouldplaythetokenhotstraightboyinahighschoolchorus,thenawriternamedTonypitchedasketchwhereNoahBrewsterwouldplayapreppywhiteguyrunningforofficeandguest-preachinginaBlackchurch.Henrietta,whowasoneofthetwocastmembersIworkedwiththemost,saidsheandViv,whowastheothercastmemberIworkedwiththemost,wantedtodoasketchaboutInternetsearchesmadebydogs.Iwentsixth.
“IthinkofthisoneasTheDannyHorstRule,”Isaid.“Becauseit’sinspiredbymyveryownofficemate,whosebignewsItrustwe’reallawareof.”Everyoneclappedorhooted.Overtheweekend,aftersevenweeksofdating,DannyandAnnabelLilyhadgottenengaged,asrevealedinapostonAnnabel’sInstagramaccountshowingaclose-upofaringonherfinger,herhandrestingatopDanny’s.Celebritygossipwebsitesimmediatelyreportedthatthediamondwasanemerald-cuthalowithapavésetting,andestimatedthattheringhadcost$110,000.AlthoughImyselfhadbeenmarriedbrieflyinmytwenties,Ihadnoideawhatemeraldcut,halo,orpavésettingmeant—myex-husbandandIhadbothwornplaingoldbands.
Asthecheeringdieddown,Danny,whowassittingonthefloortwopeopletomyleft,said,“Thanks,everyone.And,yeah,prettyfuckingpsychedthatIgettobeMr.AnnabelLily.”Therewasanotherroundofcheers,andDannyadded,“Ifyou’rewondering,Sallydidwarnmethatshe’dbeexploitingmetoadvancehercareer.”
“I’mtryingtoconvinceDannytowriteitwithme,”Isaid.“Butwe’llputapininthatfornow.Anyway,Iwanttowriteaboutthephenomenonwhere—sorry,Danny,Ireallydoloveyou—butwheremenatTNOdateabovetheirstation,butwomenneverdo.”
Therewaswidespreadlaughter,thoughlaughteratthepitchmeetingcouldmeanyou’drevealedyourpunchlinestooearly.Forthisreason,somepeoplepitchedonlydecoys,thoughItooktheriskofsharingmyrealideasinordertolayclaimtothemincaseanyoneelsewasconsideringsomethingsimilar.Andanyway,toasurprisingdegree,laughterwasnevertheultimatedeterminantofasketch’sfate;Nigel’swhimswere.OfthefortyorsoscriptsthatwouldbesubmittedforWednesday’sread-through,abouttwelvesketcheswouldmakeittothedressrehearsalSaturdayandjusteighttotheliveshow.Sketchesfeaturingthehosthadabetterchanceofsurviving,butbeyondthat,itwasimpossibletoguesswhatNigelwoulddecide.Allofusinhisofficeatthatmoment,castmembersandwritersalike,hadhadourheartsbrokenmanytimes.
“Obviously,Dannyshouldbeinthesketchinsomecapacity,”Iadded,“eitherashimselforassomeoneelse.And,Noah,itcouldworkreallywellifyou’reaguywhogetsarrestedforsomehowbreakingtherule,likeyou’reonadatewitheitherHenriettaorVivmadeuptolooklessgorgeousthantheyareinreallife.”ThoughIwasclosetoHenriettaandViv,Iwasn’tjustflatteringthem.Theyreallywerebothgorgeous,whichwasn’tunusualforfemalecomedians,andtheywerebothsofunnythattheirfunninessoftenobscuredtheirbeauty,whichalsowasn’tunusualforfemalecomedians.
“JustsoIunderstand—”NoahBrewstersaid,andtheconfusiononhisfacemademewonderifhe’dturnouttobeoneoftheding-dongs.I’dneverpreviouslyspokentohim.Thefirsttimehe’dbeenthemusicalguesthadbeenbeforeIworkedattheshow,andthesecondtime,Ihadn’thadanyreasontointeractwithhim.Occasionally,musicalguestsappearedinsketches,oryoucouldwatchthemrehearsetheirsongsonThursdayafternoonsifyouweren’totherwiseoccupied,butthatdidn’tmeanyou’dmeet.“Inthissketch,”hesaid,“I’dbebreakingthelawbecauseI’msomuchbetterlookingthanawomanI’mdating?”
Therewassomechuckling,andawriternamedJeremiahsaid,“Thebailforyourhairalonewouldbeabilliondollars.”
Noah’sexpressionwasagreeableashelookedatmeandsaid,“No,I’mreallyasking.”
“Well,yeah,”Isaid.“Basically.”IwasseatedwithmybackagainstthewestwallofNigel’soffice,abouttenfeetfromNoah,andmanyofmyco-workerswerebetweenus.
Noah’svoiceremainedcheerfullydiplomaticashesaid,“I’vealwaysthoughtitworksbetterwhenthehostismakingfunofhimself—orherself—insteadofmockingotherpeople,soI’minclinedtopassonthisone.”
Thatself-deprecationwasawinningstrategywasn’twrong.Butdeclaringthisearlyandthispubliclythathedidn’twanttoparticipateinanyparticularsketchwasbothunnecessaryandirritating;Nigelalwaysgavehostsvetopower.Infact,IwasirritatedenoughthatIdecidedtopitchasmysecondideatheoneI’dbeenonthefenceabout,whichI’dbeenonthefenceaboutbecauseIwonderedifitwasinsultingtoNoahBrewster.
“Fairenough,”Isaidinatoneintendedtobejustasdiplomaticashis;IknewIhadtotreadcarefully.“Andifyoureallywanttomakefunofyourself,Ihavesomegoodnews.Mynextideaisthatobviouslyyouhavetonsandtonsoffans,andoneofthereasonstheyloveyouisforhowromanticyourmusicis.Sinceromanceandcheesinessgohandinhand,Iwonderaboutasketchwhereyouplayacheesemongerandthecheesesyou’resellingcorrespondtoyoursongs.SoyoucanshowacustomersomeBrieandbelike,‘Thishasasilkyflavorwithdeliciousraspberryhints,perfectformakingloveinJuly.’Or‘ThesaltwaterflavorofthisGruyèreisreminiscentofthebreezesatLighthouseBeach.’?”
“Thisvelvetytastegoesdownonmeverysmoothly,”saidDanny.Asithappened,someoneelseriffingonyourideawashigherpraisethananoutrightcompliment.
Noahwasn’tvisiblyinsulted,thoughheagainseemedmorepuzzledthanamused.Hesaid,“Soit’slikedescriptionsofwinebutforcheese?”
“Youcanthinkonit,”Isaid.Mythirdidea,theoneI’dsubmitfortheread-throughbutwouldn’tmentionatthismeetingbecauseofthetwo-pitchlimit,wasforNoahtobeaguestjudgeinaBlabbermouth.BlabbermouthwasarecurringsketchIwrotebasedonthesingingcompetitionshowAmericanLungs,whichairedonthesamenetworkasTNObutwasshotinL.A.Itfeaturedthreefamousmusicianjudgeswhocoachedthecontestants,andthepartIparodied—I’dborrowedthisdirectlyfromreallife—wasnotonlythatthetwomalejudgesspentagreatdealoftimetellingthefemalejudgeshetalkedtoomuchwhengivingfeedbacktocontestants,butthatthemalejudgesspentfarmoretimetellingthefemalejudgeshetalkedtoomuchthanshespenttalking.Mostgallingtomeontherealshowwasthatinsteadofrefutingtheaccusation,thefemalejudgewouldgood-naturedlyrespond,“Y’all,Iknow!WhatcanIsay?I’mablabbermouth.”
“Thankyou,Sally,”Nigelsaid.Noddingtowardthewriternexttome,hesaid,“Patrick?”
AsPatrickstartedwithanideaaboutTrumpmeltingdownhisgoldtoilettomaketeethfillings,IwatchedNoahBrewster’scheesilyhandsomesurferfacewatchingPatrick,andIcontinuedtowatchNoah’sface,offandon,foralmostthreehoursbecausethatwashowlongpitchmeetingslasted.BeforeNigelreleasedus,heaskedNoah,asheaskedallhosts,ifhehadanysketchideasofhisown.Bythispoint,IhadcometotheconclusionthatNoahwasnot,infact,ading-dong.Hesmiledandlaughedoftenbutdidn’tseemtobetryingtoohard,assomehostsdid,toprovethathewasfunny.Andhisrequestsforclarificationhadcometoseemconfidentinawaythat,inspiteofmylingeringannoyanceabouthisresponsetomyDannyHorstRulepitch,Irespected.
Onceagainlookingaroundtheroom,Noahsaid,“Hearingallthishasmademeevenmoreexcitedabouttheweekahead.Alittleterrified,butmostlyexcited.I’mpsychedtorollwithyourideasandIdon’thaveabigagenda.I’lladmitthere’sanideaI’vebeennoodlingover,kindoftryingtowriteitmyself,andI’llhavetodecidebeforethetablereadifitshouldorshouldn’tseethelightofday,but,intermsofyoursketches,I’mdownforanyofit.”
Youmeananyofitotherthanpretendingtodateawomanlessattractivethanyou,IthoughtIwaswonderingifhisaversionwassomehowtiedtohavingdatedsomanymodelsinreallifewhenIheardalong,lowbelchandimmediatelybecameawareofanunpleasantodor,anoxiousversionofabreakfastburrito.IsnappedmyheadinthedirectionofDanny,andhepursedhislipsandwidenedhiseyesinaridiculousway—asiftosay,Oops!—andIscowled.Burpingwaspartoflife,yes,butcouldhenothavehelditinforthelastthirtysecondsofathree-hourmeeting?
Patrick,whowasthewritersittingbetweenDannyandme,leanedtowardme.Hemurmured,“Thatwasyou,right?”
Monday,4:47p.m.
IwasrespondingtoemailswhenDannyenteredourofficecarryingacanofRedBull.“Yo,Chuckles,”hesaidashesatbackwardsonhisdeskchairandrolledtowardme.Theroomwasnarrowenoughthattheonlywaytofitacouchwasforbothofourdeskstobeagainstthesamewall.Gesturingatmycomputerscreen,hesaid,“How’sthegreatAmericanscreenplaycomingalong?”
“Iwish,”Isaid.“I’mtellingmyagentIdon’twanttowritea”—Iheldupmyfingersinairquotes—“?‘humorousanimatedshortforanorganicdouchecompany.’?”
“Howmuchdoesitpay?BecausemaybeIwanttowriteahumorousanimatedshortforanorganicdouchecompany.”
“Tenthousand,butalsodouchingisbad,andIassumetheorganicpartisbullshit.Yourvaginaisaself-cleaningorgan.”
“Maybeyourvaginaisaself-cleaningorgan.Butyeah,tengrandisanonstarter.Idon’tselloutforlessthansixfigures.”IsuspectedDannyearnedclosetowhatIdid.He’dbeenhiredastheyoungest-everhostofNewsDesk,TNO’ssatiricalshow-within-the-show,andhewroteandoccasionallyappearedinothersketches,meaningthat,asasecond-yearcastmemberwhowrote,heprobablyearnedthesameamountasaninth-yearwriterwhoneverappearedonscreen.Thiswascurrently$12,000anepisode,or$252,000ayear—notahugeamountforaTVjobwhereyoupulledseveralall-nightersaweek,andobscenecomparedto,say,afourth-gradeteacher’ssalary.EvenifDannydidn’tyetearnmorethanIdidfromTNO,he’drecentlybegunappearinginmovies,whereasIusedmysummersofffortheconsiderablylesslucrativeactivitiesofreadingnovelsandtraveling.
“Okay,Ineedyouradvice,”Dannysaid.“Annabelisfreakingoutbecauseshejustfoundoutoursignsareincompatible.Belly’saPiscesandI’maSagittarius.”
“OhmyGod,”Isaid.“Ican’tevenbelieveyou’velastedthislong.”
“Igetthatit’sridiculoustoyou,butshetakesthisshitveryseriously.”
“Didshenotknowwhenyourbirthdayisuntilnow?”
“Shehadasessionwithherastrologistyesterday,whotoldhereventhoughourconnectionisauthentic,ourcommunicationstylesareinharmoniousandI’mnotthepersontowalkbesideheronherhealingjourney.”
Ibitmylip,andDannyadded,“It’sokay,youcanlaugh.ButIstillfuckingloveher.”
“Whataboutyourhealingjourney?”
Dannymadeanaw-shucksface.“I’mallhealed,Chuckles.”
MyresentmentabouttheirrelationshipandthesketchI’djustpitchednotwithstanding,IfoundDanny’sunbridledloveforAnnabelsweet.Theirsincerityandspontaneityandsheeroptimismallseemedsomisguided,sodestinedtofail,thathowcouldanyone,includingacyniclikeme,notrootforthem?Gettingengagedaftersevenweekswasonlythelatestintheirdramaticandverypublicdeclarationsoflove.Afteraweektogether,theyhadtraveledtoParisforamake-outsessioninfrontoftheEiffelTower,andaftertwoweeksthey’dgottenmatchingtonguepiercings,andallofthishadbeendocumentedonsocialmediathenbreathlesslydescribedbycelebrityjournalists.
Ingeneral,Danny’semotionalopennessmademehopefulabouteitherGenZ,males,ormaybeboth.Ayearandahalfprior,IhadbeenlessthanthrilledwhenIlearnedthatIwasbeingmovedfromtheofficeIsharedwithVivtoanofficewithDanny,whowasthennewtoTNO.Ihadn’tyearnedforthisproximitytoDanny,who’dfoundsuccessasastand-upcomicwithbitssosteepedinironythatIcouldn’talwaystellwhatthejokewas,whichthenmademefeelextremelyold.Relatedlyandevenmoreunsettlingly,Iwonderediftheofficechangewasintendedtosendamessagetome.TNOandNigelspecificallywerenotoriousforindirection,withpeopleoftenliterallynotknowingthey’dbeenhiredorfired.Wasputtingmeinacrappyofficewithanewtwenty-four-year-olddudeawayofnudgingmetowardtheexitwithouttellingmetoleave?Forthefirstfewweeksofthe2016season,DannyandIhadbarelyspoken,asheworkedalotintheofficeofthededicatedNewsDeskwriters,whosenameswereRoyandHank,andquicklybecamethemostvisiblenewcastmember.Then,fiveweeksintotheseason,itwaselectionnight—aTuesday,sowewereattheoffice,ostensiblywriting,thoughnoonewasgettinganyworkdone.Around11:30p.m.,justafterFloridawascalledforTrump,followingNorthCarolinaandOhio,withWisconsinandPennsylvanialookingbad,DannyandIwerewalkingtowardourofficeatthesametimefromoppositedirections,gotwithinacouplefeetofeachother,madeeyecontact,bothbegansobbing,andthrewourselvesintoeachother’sarms.ItwasshortlyafterTrump’sinauguration,asourdemocracystartedtounravel,thatDannytooktocallingmeChuckles.Thiswasshortforchuckleslut,whichwasthetermforwomenwhosleptwithcomedians,andDannybestowedthenicknameafterItoldhimI’dneveroncesleptwithacomedian.
Almosteighteenmonthslater,Isaidtohim,“MaybeAnnabeljustneedsadayortwotoabsorbwhattheastrologistsaid.Like,shewasthrownbyit,butshe’llrealizeit’snotthatbigadeal.”
“Iwishpeoplecouldchangesigns,”Dannysaid.“I’dtotallyconverttoScorpioforher.”
“Ithinkshe’llcomearound,”Isaid.
Henoddedtowardmycomputerscreen.“It’sverydemeaningthatyouthinkmyvaginaneedscleaning.Itshouldn’tsmellfloralwhenI’mgettingoral.”Hegrinned.“I’llinvoiceyouforthetengrand.”
Monday,7:32p.m.
MondaysweretheonlydaysduringaTNOworkweekwhenIgothomeataremotelynormalhour,andItriedtousethemtocontinuerecoveringfromthepreviousweekifthere’dbeenashow—fromOctobertoMay,showstypicallyairedthreeweeksinarowthenwegottwoorthreeweeksoff—andtobracemyselffortheweekahead.I’dwalkedthefortyminutesfromtheTNOofficesinMidtowntomyapartmentontheUpperWestSide,pickingupThaitakeoutnearmybuilding.Iatepadseeewfromthecontainerwhilesittingatmykitchencounterandtalkingonspeakerphonetomyseventy-nine-year-oldstepfather,Jerry.Mymotherhaddiedthreeyearsprior,devastatingbothJerryandmeinwayswecouldn’treallyexpress.Fourmonthsafterthefuneral,I’dconvincedJerrytogetabeaglenamedSugar,whobroughthimsomuchhappinessthatIconsideredherpresenceinhislifetobemycrowningachievement.Plus,shegaveussomethingtochatabouteverySundayorMondayinsteadofourfeelings.
“Shewasaverygoodgirlgettinghernailscuttoday,”Jerrysaidjovially,thendroppedhisvoicetoawhisper—presumablybecauseSugarwasnearbyandhedidn’twanttooffendher—andsaid,“Shereallywasn’t.Ittooktwoattendantstoholdherbecauseshewaswigglingsomuch.”
“Wasshewhimpering,too?”
“Likeababy,”hesaid.JerryandSugarlivedinKansasCity,inthehouseI’dgrownupin.Itriedtovisittwiceayear,thoughsincemymother’sdeathIhadn’tbeenabletobringmyselftogoforThanksgivingorChristmas.I’deitherstayedinNewYorkortraveledfaraway,oncetotheSeychelleswithVivandonce,withVivandalsothattimewithHenrietta,toMexicoCity.Jerryspenttheholidayswithhissister.
“IsawontheInternetthatyourhostthisweekisalsothemusicalguest,”Jerrysaid.“Thatsoundsawfullytiring.”MymotherandIhaddebriefedabouteachshowonSundayafternoons,andinherabsence,Jerryhad,onSundayafternoons,takentoemailingmetwoformallywrittenparagraphssharinghisfeedback.Thekindnessofthisimpulsealmostmadeupforthefactthat,apartfromappreciatingSugar’santics,Jerrydidn’thavemuchofasenseofhumorandwasn’tfamiliarwithalmostanyofthepopculturalphenomenaorpeoplethatTNOsatirized.Thoughheandmymotherhadbeeninthestudioaudiencetwice,he’dneverhaveevenwatcheditonTVifIdidn’twriteforit.
“You’veprobablyheardNoahBrewster’ssongsplayinginthebackgroundinarestaurantordepartmentstore,”Isaid.“AndI’msureitisreallytiringtohostandbethemusicalguest,buthegetstopromotehisnewalbum.”
“Imeanttotellyou,”Jerrysaid.“IranintoMrs.MacklinatHy-Vee,andshesaidtogiveyouherbest.ShesaidAmyjusthadanotherbaby,whichIbelieveisherthird.”
Who’sMrs.Macklin?Ithought.Who’sAmy?ThenIrememberedahighschoolclassmatenamedAmyMacklin,agirlI’dworkedwithonthestudentnewspaper.(I’dbeenthecopyeditor,notareporter,becausereportingwouldhaverequiredinteractingwithotherhumansinawayIcouldn’tthenhavemanaged.)Isaid,“GoodforAmy.”AthirdchildinspiredinmemoregratitudeformyowncircumstancesthanenvyforAmy’s.
Jerrydescribedatapasrestauranthe’deatenatthepreviousFridaywithhissisterandherhusband,whichhadfeaturedagarbanzo-bean-and-spinachdishhethoughtI’dlike(thoughIdidn’tperceivemyselfashavingaspecialrelationshipwithgarbanzobeans,Jerry’sbeliefthatIdidarosefromthefactthatwhenIwasstayingwithhim,Ioftenboughthummus).ThenwecircledbacktoSugar.Afamilywithtwodaughtershadmovedinnextdoorthemonthbefore,andSugarhadtakentosittingonJerry’sbackdeck,facingtheotherhouse,andbarking,asiftosummonthesisters.“Ithinkshelikesitwhentheytellherhowadorablesheis,”Jerrysaid.
“Whowouldn’t?”Isaid,andJerrylaughed.
“Allrightthen,”hesaid.“Becarefulonthesubway,honey.”Thiswashowhealwaysendedourconversations.
AfterI’dhungup,Irefrigeratedtheleftoversandtookashower.Istillrentedtheseven-hundred-square-footapartmentI’dmovedintoalmosttenyearsbefore,whenI’darrivedinNewYork.Thedifferencewasthatforthefirsttwoyears,I’dhadaroommatewhosleptintherealbedroomwhileIsleptinashoddilybuiltloftabovethelivingroom,wheretheceilingwasfourfeetfromthemattress.ItwashardtosayinretrospectifIhadn’thadsexduringthosetwoyearsbecauseIwasme,becauseIwasadjustingtomydivorce,orbecausetheresimplywasn’tspace.
WhenIemergedfromtheshower,IputonthehugeT-shirtIsleptin,brushedmyteeth,rubbedcheaplotiononmylegsandexpensivelotiononmyface,thenretrievedmyphonefromthepocketofthejeansI’dleftonthebathroomfloorandgotintobed.Fourtextswerewaiting,threeofthemfromViv.
Thefirst:Istilllooklikeazombie
Thesecond:YouthinkIshouldskipdinner?
Thethirdwasaclose-upphotoofherrighteye,thewhitepartofwhichhadaredandblurry-edgeddotslightlybiggerthanherpupil.InasketchduringtheliveshowthepreviousSaturday,acastmembernamedGregorhadthrown,ofallthings,anovenmittthathadbeenintendedtolightlyhitViv’schestbuthadsomehowstruckhereye.She’dnoticedtheblotchwhenremovinghermakeupaftertheshowbutithadn’thurtandshe’dattendedtheafter-partiesthatlastedlongintoSundaymorning.Whentheblotchhadn’tgoneawaybyMonday,she’dseenTNO’ssetnurse,whorecommendedVivmakeanappointmentwithanophthalmologistjusttobesafe.
Itextedback,TakeapicwhereIcanseeyourwholeface
Afewsecondslater,anotherphotoarrivedofViv’sentireandveryprettyface,inthismomentunsmilingandpreoccupied-looking,withbothhereyebrowsraised.VivwasBlackandthirty-one,fiveyearsyoungerthanI.IknewthatbothsheandHenrietta,whowaswhiteandthirty-two,usedpreemptiveantiagingmeasureslikeBotoxandchemicalpeels.Atthesametime,Vivappearedinarecurringsketchwheresheplayedafamouslywell-preservedmiddle-agedTVhosttalkingtoherreflectioninherdressingroommirror,utteringwithpleasurethephrase“Blackdon’tcrack.”
Itreallydoesn’tlookthatbad,Itexted.I’ddecideaboutdinnerbasedonhowyoufeel
Stilldoesn’thurt,Vivreplied.But
Shesentthefemalezombieemoji,greenskinnedandholdingoutcurledfingers.
Noyoulookfine,Iwrote.
BywhichImeangreat!
Ithinkoktogotodinneroroktoskipbutyoudon’tneedtoskiptospareanyone
OnMondaynightsaroundeleveno’clock,Nigelalwaystookthatweek’shostandafewcastmemberstodinneratafancyrestaurant.Theonlywritereverincludedwastheheadwriter,whichIactuallydidn’tmindbecauseevenafternineyears,IwasmorecomfortablehavingfleetingratherthansustainedencounterswithNigel.Manypeoplein-andoutsideofTNOwereobsessedwiththemanwho’dcreatedtheshowin1981andproducediteversince.BornNormanPiekarkskiinOklahomaCity,Oklahoma,in1947,NigelPetersenwasindisputablythecomedykingmakeroftwentieth-andtwenty-first-centuryAmerica,anditwasoftensaidthatyourrelationshipwithyourfatherwasrevealedbytherelationshipyouhad,orthoughtyouhad,withNigel.ButI’dlongbelievedthatbeingquietlycompetentwouldservemebetterthantryingtocurryfavorwithhimdirectly.Formyentirefirstyear,Ihadn’tevenbeensureheknewmyname,andthenattheafter-partyfollowingtheseasonfinale,he’dsaidinhissurprisinglysoftandunderstatedvoice,“Thefieldtripsketchwasveryfunny,Sally.”Theseeightwordswerepossiblythegreatestcomplimentofmylife,whichmighthaverevealedthatIhaddaddyissuesifIhadn’talreadybeenwellawareIhaddaddyissues.Thefollowingyear,we’dinteractedmorebecauseIhadmanymoresketchesonair,butwespokeonlywhenhewasgivingnotesonthem.Ourannualsuperfluousexchangecameafterhe’dcomplimentedwithsimilarbrevityasketchI’dsetataKansasCitybarbecuerestaurant,whenI’ddarednotjusttomumblethankyoubuttofollowupbysaying,“Iknowyou’refromOklahoma.DoyouthinkofthatastheMidwestortheSouth?”
Againinhissoftandunderstatedvoice,hesaid,“Accordingtothecensus,it’stheSouth.”Thatwasthatforthe2010–2011season.
Didyoumakeappointmentwitheyedr,ItextedViv.
Tomorrowat11AM,shetextedback.
Ohgreat,Ireplied.
Gotonight!
Havefun!
Sherepliedwithawinkingemoji,andIopenedtheothertextthathadarrivedwhileIwasintheshower.ItwasfromGene,theguyI’dbeenhookingupwithoffandonforthelasteightmonths:HeySallyhow’sitgoing?
Itoccurredtometoinvitehimover—itwasn’tyetnineo’clock,I’djustwashedmyhairandtherestofmyself—andthenIthoughtI’drathergotosleepearly.IalmostneversawGeneduringshowweeks;evenwhenIknewbyWednesdaythatI’dhavenosketchesontheliveshow,IwasexpectedtoattendThursdayrewrites,whichcouldgountilnineorten,anditwasalljustsomentallyconsumingthatIfounditeasiertogivemyselfovertoTNO’srhythms.ItwasperhapstheoneworkplaceinAmericawherepeoplewhohadspousesandkidswerenotonlyintheminoritybutwerelookedatwithvaguepity,becausehowcouldanyonepossiblymanagethat,too?
Also,thoughwehaddecentsex,Ididn’tlikeGenethatmuch.Hewasafinancialanalystwho’dearlyonmentionedthattheUniversityofFlorida’sbusinessschool,whichhe’dattended,wasrankedamongthetopfifteeninthecountry.ThoughI’dneverpreviouslywonderedabouttheUniversityofFlorida’sbusinessschoolranking,ofcoursethishadpromptedmetolookitupanddiscovertheclaimwasoffbyaboutten.Farmorealarmingly,he’donceusedthewordsnowflaketodisparageaco-workerwhoregularlytooksickdaysbecauseofmigraines.Whileitwaspossiblehemeantthetermapolitically,themeaningheapparentlydidintendwasn’tmuchbetter.AndIhadn’tcalledhimonitbecauseIfeareddoingsowouldresultinmyneedingtofindanothersexualoutlet,meaningI’dhavetoresubscribetoahookupappandmeetenoughstrangersatenoughbarstodeterminewhichoneprobablywouldn’tkillmeifwewentbacktomyapartment.
If,ontheplusside,Genewasn’thomicidal,hewasn’tparticularlycute,either.Hewasofmediumheightandbuild,withlightbrownhair,andtherewassomethingsogenericabouthimthathecouldhaveplayedanextrainanyTNOsketchsetinanoffice.Hewasunobjectionableinthewaythatapersonyousatnexttoonanairplanewasusuallyunobjectionable;unlikewithanairplaneseatmate,though,mostofwhatwedidwasgeteachotheroff.Inthemonthsthishadbeengoingon,he’daskedmeexactlytwoquestions.ThefirstwasifI’devertriedbuttercoffee(no),andthesecondwasifI’deverbeentoRockawayBeach(alsono).
NoneofGene’spredecessorshadbeenparticularlyinquisitive,butthey’daskedenoughthatI’dgivenafakejob,whichIneverhadtodowithGene.I’dtoldotherguysI’d“dated”thatIwasawriterforthenewsletterofamedicaldevicecompany,whichhadbeenoneofmyjobsbeforeTNO.ThoughIwasn’tmuchofaliargenerally,IfearedtheguysIhookedupwithwouldbeoverlyinterestedifImentionedmyrealemployer.Inabest-casescenario,they’dmerelywantticketstotheliveshow,butinaworst-casescenario,they’dbeaspiringimprovperformers.Ormaybetherealworst-casescenariowasthatthey’dknowmeinawayIdidn’twanttobeknownbythem.EvenIwasn’tsureifmyin-personself(amild-manneredwomanofaverageintelligenceandattractiveness)ormyscripts(willfullyragingsketchesaboutsexismandbodilyfunctions)reflectedmyrealself—orifIhadarealself,orifanyonedid.ButIsuspectedthatmuchofmywritingemergedfromthistensionorlackofintegration;Ibelievedtheperceptionsundergirdingmysketchesarosefrommybeinginvisibleoratleastunderestimated,includingbeingmistakenforsomeonenicerthanIwas.Sincechildhood,I’doftenfeltlikeaspyorananthropologist,andIwasfinewithothersatTNOknowingwhoIreallywasonlybecausethey,too,were,attheircore,spiesandanthropologistsandweirdos.
I’dhadthearrangementIhadwithGenewithaseriesofguys,endingthepreviousonewhenIdiscoveredanunsettlingthreemonthsinthathewasamarrieddad(I’dalwaysimaginedthatbeingsomeone’smistresswouldfeelcompromisingyetglamorous,butinthiscaseithadmostlybeenmarkedbymyunwittinglycatchingtheguy’spreschool-agedkids’colds).ThoughIsometimesjokedwithVivandHenriettaaboutbeingaman-eatingcareerwoman,IfeltconfidentthatIwouldn’thavefoundadeeperconnectionwithGeneorhispredecessorsifonlyI’dgiventhemmoreofachance.IfI’dgoneoutforamealwiththem,orwalkedaroundGovernorsIslandwiththem,ifwe’dbeenrequiredtohangoutclothedandsober,I’dhaveendedthingsimmediately.
IwastypingBusythisweek,whataboutmeetingupnextTuesorWed?butbeforeIcouldsendit,presumablywhenhecouldseethethreedotsofmyimpendingreply,anothertextfromGenearrived,anditwasadickpic.HeappearedtobeathisQueensapartment,whichI’dvisitedjustonce.Takenfromhisnaveldown,thepictureshowedhimlyingongraysheets,wearingnoshirtandnavy-bluemeshathleticshortsthathe’dpulledtowardtheinsideofhisrightthighsothathiswrinkledballstumbledoutandhisveinyerectionslopedleftandupward.Giventhenatureofourrelationship,suchaphotowasn’toutofbounds,andfarfromthefirsthe’dsent,butI’dneverfoundawaytoexpressthattheyhadtheoppositeofwhatIassumedwastheirdesiredeffect.Infact,thepersonaldetailsperipherallyrevealed—themeshshortsandgraysheets,thenightstandinthebackgroundonwhichIcoulddiscernaplasticcontainerofwatermelon-flavoredantacidsandabookabouttheleadershipprinciplesofbillionaires—wereoddlypoignantbutalienating.TheyremindedmeofatruthIwasusuallyunbotheredby,whichwasthatIknewwhatGene’sdicklookedlike,butIhardlyknewhimatall.
IdeletedBusythisweek,whataboutmeetingupnextTuesorWed?andtypedWow!!
Rightnow,hereplied.Thinkingofyou
Flattering!Ireplied.
Sendmeone?hewrote.
Atdinnerw/friends,Itypedback.ThenIadded,Busynextfewweeksunfortunatelybuthopeyou’rewell
Atsomepointsoonafterthat,Ifellasleepwithmyphoneinmyhand,thebettertolookatitfirstthinguponwakingthenextmorning.
Tuesday,12:10p.m.
TNO’sofficesandstudio,alongwithmanyotherofficesandstudiosforournetwork,werelocatedinaniconicbuildingreferredtoas66—itwassixty-sixfloors,andwhenthebuildinghadbeencompletedin1933,suchanumberhadbeenmorenoteworthy.AsIwalkedtherejustafternoon,IknewIwouldn’tsetfootoutsideagainforthenexttwenty-fourhours.
Thewriters’hallontheseventeenthfloorwas,asI’danticipated,ghostlyinitsemptiness,andIsatatmydeskandinsertedmyearbuds.Ialwayslistenedtoclassicalmusic,usuallyHaydnorSchubert,whilewritingsketchesaboutthingslikedogfarts,tampons,andTitleIX.IworkedfortwoandahalfhourswithoutstandingorremovingmyearbudsandinthiswaygeneratedaroughdraftoftheDannyHorstRulesketch(ninepages)andthenaroughdraftoftheBlabbermouthone(tenpages).Thisearlyon,Iwasmorefocusedongettingthestructuresintoplacethancomingupwithjokes.
OneofthelegendsofTNOwasthatmostoftheshowwaswrittenbetweenthehoursof5p.m.Tuesdayand,becausesketcheswereduebynoon,11:59a.m.Wednesday.AnotherofthelegendswasthatmuchofthecreativityofTNO’searlyyearshadbeenfueledbycocaine.Whilebothoftheserumorswereinfacttrue,Ipersonallyhadneverdonecokeinmylifeanddidn’tdomostofmyownwritingovernight.IstayedattheofficeovernightbecauseitwaswhenIworkedwithcastmembersontheirideasandbecauseitwasconsideredbadformnotto,andIoftendidfindmyselffeverishlyrevisingat11:55a.m.onWednesday.ButIwrotefirstdraftsmuchbetterandfasterduringtheday,andIsometimeswonderedif,thecultoftheovernighteraside,mostofmycolleagueswouldhave,too.
Atsomepointinmyfirstyear,I’drealizedthattheall-nightwritingsessionswere,inadifferentwayfromthesketches,largelyperformative.Occasionally,itreallydidtakesixhourstowriteasketch,butfarmoreoften,peoplefuckedaroundforfivehoursthenwroteasketchinfortyminutes.Atanypointonthewriters’hall,asTuesdayturnedintoWednesday,youwereaslikelytoseesomeonegoofingoffastyping.TheTNOwritingstaffwasstillthree-quartersmale,andthey’dbewrestlingormakingbetsorpeeingintrashcans.Somewritersorcastmembersleftbeforemidnighttodoasetatacomedyclub;returnedtowrestle,makebets,orpeeinatrashcan;thenstartedwriting.Butthesedays,Iknewofonlyonecastmemberwhousedharddrugsatwork.Farmoreofmyco-workersworeFitbits,drankkalejuice,andmeditatedintheiroffhours,oratleastclaimedto.
ItwasNigelhimselfwhowasclearlyanatural-bornnightowl,andthoughtheschedulehe’dsetinthebeginningseemedobjectivelycrazy,itwasafterallthistimejustifiedbyanif-it-ain’t-brokelogic.Manysketchesthathadfoundtheirwayintothecountry’scollectiveconsciousnessandspawnedbelovedcharactersandcatchphraseshadindeedbeenwrittenatoneorthreeorfour-thirtyinthemorning.Andreally,ifyouwerelucky,Tuesdaywasjustthebeginning.Ifoneormoreofyoursketchesmadeitpastthetableread,youmightstayuplateonanyoralloftheremainingnightsuntilSaturday,rewriting,rehearsing,ordirectingashootforapre-tape.Thenyou’dprobablystayupallnightSaturday,too,commiseratingorcelebratingattheafter-parties,becauseyoursketchhadbeencutatthelastminuteandyoufeltdespondentorbecauseyoursketchhadmadeittoairbutbombedandyoufeltdespondentorbecauseyoursketchhadairedandkilledandyoufeltexhilarated.
Priortojoiningtheshow,I’dkepttypicalsleepingandwakinghours,butTNOtrulyhadrewiredmybiology,asifIwereathird-shiftfactoryworkerexceptvastlybetterpaid,oranERdoctorexceptnotsavinganyone’slife.Itnowseemednormaltomethatmostpeoplearrivedattheofficearound5p.m.onTuesday,andweplacedourordersfordinneraround9p.m.Ispentthehoursbeforeandafterdinnerworkingwithcastmembers,mostoftenVivandHenrietta,onsketchestheyweredeveloping.Aroundoneortwo,Ilayonthecouchinmyoffice,setaT-shirtovermyeyesandearplugsinmyears,and,exceptwhenIwasawakenedbychaosinthehall,Inoddedoffforaboutfivehours,whichwasdownrightdecadentbyTNOstandards.I’dsetmyphonealarmtogooffatsixorseventhenbrushmyteethinthewomen’sroom.TherewasashowerintheprivatebathroomoffNigel’sofficethatsomeofmyco-workersusedafterhewenthome,butIwouldn’thavehadthenerveortheambitionandmerelykeptatoiletriesbaginadeskdrawer.Afterbrushingmyteeth,I’dhavecoffeeandanenergybarandsitdownagainatmydeskforrevisions.Atthispoint,plentyofpeoplewerestillawake,neverhavingsleptatall,andusuallyemanatingahalf-deadexhaustion,thoughsometimesgivingoffaloopycamaraderiereminiscentofthekidswho’dstayedupallnightatanelementaryschoolslumberparty.I’dreviseforafewhours,turnmysketchesinatthelastminutelikeeveryoneelse,andgohomeforafewhourstopoopinpeaceandshowerbeforereturningtoworkfortheread-throughatthree.
Onthisparticularafternoon,IstillhadadraftoftheCheesemongertohammeroutbutdecidedtogetcoffee—realcoffeethatI’dbuyfromaplaceinthelobbyof66,notfromtheofficekitchen—andwhileIwaswaitinginline,ItextedViv,Howwasdoctorapptmt?
So,sherepliedimmediately.
Interestingstory
Ididn’tseemyusualdoc
Isawsomeoneelse
Andhewas
Sheaddedthreefireemojis.
Thencameascreenshot,clearlytakenofftheeyeclinic’swebsite,ofamanwholookedtobeinhisearlyforties,wassmilingearnestly,waseitherlight-skinnedorbiracial,andwaswearingawhitedressshirt,yellowtie,andwhitelabcoat.Nexttothephotowerethewords
TheodoreP.Elman
Certification:AmericanBoardofOphthalmology
Education:M.D.,PerelmanSchoolofMedicine,University
ofPennsylvania
Specialty:ComprehensiveOphthalmology
AnothertextfromViv:OKhelookskindamiddleageddorkyherebuttrustme
Wehadcrazychemistry
AndhewrotehisemailonbusinesscardifIhaveQs
Buthecan’taskmeoutright?
Becauseitwouldbeillegal
Ityped:Waithow’syoureye?
Then:Idon’tthinkillegalbutmaybeunprofessional?
Wantmetoaskmycollegeroommatewho’sapediatrician?
FromViv:Ihaveasubconjunctivalhemorrhage
Whichgrossnessasideisn’tthatserious
Shouldhealonitsown1-2wks
Fromme:Ohgood
Obviouslyyoudon’tlookgrossiftherewascrazychemistry
Washewearingaweddingring
FromViv:No
Fromme:Didheknowwhoyouwere
FromViv:Unclear
IfIthinktherewaschemistry,wastherechemistry?
Fromme:Yes
FromViv:Whatiftherewaschemistrybutonlyforme
Fromme:Prettysurethat’snothowchemistryworks
Whenareyougettingtooffice
FromViv:4:30?
Canyouwritesomesketchesthatmakemelookhotandhilariousincasethelovedoctorwatchesthisweek
Fromme:HmmshouldIassignnothotwomaninDannyRulesketchtoyouorHenri
FromViv:Mememememe
FromViv:Allairtimeisgoodairtime
Tuesday,10:08p.m.
Viv,Henrietta,andIhadbroughtourfoodfromthedinnerorder—onthisnight,Greek—intotheofficetheynowshared.IsatatHenrietta’scomputer,Vivsatonherowndesk,andHenriettasatonthefloor.Wewereworkingontheideaaboutdogs’Internetsearches,andfirstwedebatedwhetherthesketchshouldfeaturerealdogsorHenriettaandVivindogcostumes(becausecastmemberswerealways,unfailingly,tryingtogetmoreairtime,wequicklywentwiththelatter).Thenwediscussedwhereitshouldtakeplace(thecomputerclusterinapubliclibrary,but,eventhoughallthismatteredforwastheestablishingshot,wegotstalledonwhetherthatlibraryshouldbeNewYork’sfamousMainBranchbuildingonFifthAvenue,withthelionstatuesinfront,agenericsuburbanlibraryinKansasCity,oragenericsuburbanlibraryinJacksonville,Florida,whichwaswhereVivwasfrom).Thenwereallygotstalledonthebreedsofdogs.OutofloyaltytomystepfatherandSugar,Iwantedatleastonetobeabeagle.Vivsaidthatitwouldworkbestifonewasreallybigandonewasreallylittle,andHenriettasaidshewasfinewithanybigdogexceptaGermanShepherdbecauseshe’dbeenbittenbyherneighbor’sGermanShepherdinthirdgrade.Afterfortyminuteswe’ddecidedonaSt.BernardandaChihuahua—IeventuallyconcededthatChihuahuaswerefunnierthanbeagles.WedecidedtogowiththeFloridalocationfortheestablishingshotbecausethelionsinfrontoftheNewYorkMainBranchcouldpreemptordiminishtheappearanceoftheSt.Bernard.Thenwe’darrivedatthefunpart,whichwasthesearchterms.
Withhermouthfullofbeefkebab,Vivsaid,“AmIadopted?”
Withmymouthfullofspanakopita,Isaid,“AmIagoodgirl?”
Withhermouthfulloffalafel,Henriettasaid,“AmIfiveorthirty-five?”
“Whyisthunderscary?”Isaid.
“Discreetcrotch-sniffingtechniques,”Henriettasaid.
“Cheapmani-pedisinmyarea,”Vivsaid.“Oh,andcheapestself-drivingcar.”
“Besthamburgersnearme,”Isaid.
“Whatishalitosis,”Henriettasaid.
“Halitosiswhattodo,”Isaid.
“Wheredohumanspee,”Vivsaid.
“TacoBellChihuahuamaleorfemale,”Isaid.
“Targetbullterriermarried,”Vivsaid.
“Lassieplasticsurgery,”Henriettasaid.
“Funnycatvideos,”Isaid.
“CorgisembarrassingthemselvesYouTube,”Vivsaid.
“YouTubelittledogscaresawaybigdog,”Isaid.
“Doghubtwopoodlesandonecorgi,”Henriettasaid.
“Waxingmytail,”Isaid.
“Ismytailanormalsize,”Vivsaid.
“Refinancingmymortgage,”Henriettasaid,and,thoughallofushadbeenlaughingintermittently,thiswastheonethatmademelaughsohardIhadtostoptyping.Ihadbeenbothin-andoutsideofthismomentmanytimesatTNO—laughinguproariouslywithmyco-workersonaTuesdaynight,andhearingwritersandcastmembersinotherofficeslaughinguproariously,withoutme,onaTuesdaynight.AfterI’drecovered,Isaid,“Howtotieatie.”
“Whatisbitcoin,”Vivsaid.
We’dallstartedlaughingagainwhenafoamfootballsailedthroughtheopendoor,andsomeone—IquicklyrealizeditwasthewriterRohit—yelled,“Stopgloating,yousuccubi!”
Tuesday,11:29p.m.
Rathershamelessly,I’dbeenplanningtoaskDannytogivemesomedialogueforhispartinmyDannyHorstRulesketch.WhenIenteredouroffice,hewasslouchedonthecouch,holdinghisphoneinfrontofhim,afemalevoiceIrecognizedasAnnabel’scomingoutofit.
Dannyglancedupatmeandsaid,“Hey,Chuckles,”and,thoughIcouldn’tseethescreen,Annabelsaid,“Hey,Sally.”
“Hi,Annabel,”Ireplied.
Apparentlycontinuingwherethey’djustleftoff,AnnabelsaidtoDanny,“Butifyouwanttocomplimentsomeone,yousaytheylookhot.Ifyousayhowimpressedyouarebytheirbodypositivity,itmeans,‘That’sgreatyou’resoconfidenteventhoughyou’refat.’?”
“Baby,you’rethehottestgirlever,”Dannysaid.“You’rereadingtoomuchintoit.”Judgingfromhiscooingtone,Iassumedtheprecedingday’sconcernsovertheirastrologicalmismatchhadbeenresolved.
“Theworstpart,”Annabelsaid,“isthatbeingcriticizedmakesmewantadonut.”
“Youcouldeatahundreddonutsandbejustassexyasyouarenow.”
AsIsatatmydesk,inexactlyequivalentamounts,Ididanddidn’thavetheimpulsetoputinmyearbuds.Inthelastsevenweeks,Annabelhadwithherentourageintowattendedalltheliveshowsexceptfortheonewhenshe’dbeeninTokyofortheopeningoftheflagshipstoreofaluxuryclothingbrandforwhichshewasaspokesperson.Duringtheshows,AnnabelhungoutnotinourofficebuteitherinDanny’sdressingroomor,befittingherstatus,withNigel.NigelwasbothBuddha-likeindemeanorandanintergenerationalcelebritymega-schmoozer,aslikelytowalkthroughthestudio,onanygivenday,accompaniedbyaseptuagenarianrockerfromoneoftheworld’smostfamousbandsasarisingteenstarlet.
“Idon’tknowwhyshehastobesuchabitch,”Annabelwassaying.“IthoughtourfeudwasoverafterwepresentedtogetherattheGlobes.”
Dannyloweredhisvoice,whichstillmeant,becausehewassittingaboutfourfeetfromme,thatIcouldclearlyheareverywordhesaid.“Youknowhowperfectyouare?”hemurmured.“You’resoperfectthatI’mgettinghardjustlookingatyou.Idon’tthinkIcouldstandupifItried.”
DidherealizeIwasn’tyetwearingearbudsordidhenotcare?Isuspectedthelatter;everyday,thingsweresaidatTNO,oftenoncamera,thatwouldhaveconstitutedsexualharassmentinanyotherworkplaceexceptthecurrentWhiteHouse.
“Insteadofeatingadonut,I’mgettingonthetreadmillrightnow,”Annabelsaid.“I’mgoingtoturnthegradientupto15percent.Body-shamethat,youbitch.”
“WhatifinsteadIcomeoverandfuckyoureallyhardandtellyouhowbeautifulyouare?”
Afterapause,inamuchsoftervoice,Annabelsaid,“Yeah?”
“Sobeautiful,”Dannysaid.“So,so,sobeautiful.”
“ShouldIsendMickeytogetyou?”Thiswasherdriverorbodyguard,ormaybeboth.
“It’sfasterifItakeanUber.”
“I’llgetintheshowernow.”
“Don’ttakeashower.Don’tdoanything.I’mhangingupnowandI’monmyway.I’llcallfromtheUber.Iloveyousofuckingmuch,baby.”
“Hurry,baby.”
He’dalreadystoodandwashalfwayoutthedoorwhenIsaid,“Pleaseifyoueverjerkoffinheredon’tgetitonthecouch.That’sallIaskofyou.”
Dannypausedandglancedoveroneshoulderwithhisbacktome,whichofferedtheadvantagetobothofusofmynothavingtoknowifheactuallyhadanerection.“I’dneverjerkoffinhere.”Hesmirked.“That’swhatmydressingroomisfor.”
Wednesday,1:14a.m.
Iheardsomeonesayingmyname,butatfirstIwassodeeplyasleepthatIincorporatedthevoiceintomydream.IthoughtitwasBernard,thejanitor,comingtoemptymytrashcan,and,senselessly,Imumbled,“Youcanleavethemollusks.”Ifeltahandlightlypatmyshoulder,andthepersonsaid,“Sally,I’mreallysorrytobotheryou”—notacommonlyutteredphraseatTNO—andIpulledtheT-shirtoffmyeyesandtheearplugsfrommyears,satstraightup,andsaid,“Whatdoyouwant?”
HunchedoverthecouchatsuchananglethatmysittinguphadbroughtourfaceswithinafewinchesofeachotherwasNoahBrewster.
“Sorry,”hesaidagain.Eveninmydisorientedstate,Inotedthathelooked,inhischeesilyhandsomesurferway,uncomfortable.ThoughIwasaccustomedtobeingawakenedbyrandompeopleinanofficeinthemiddleofthenight,perhapshewasnotaccustomedtowakingpeopleinthisfashion.
“No,it’sfine,”Isaid.“Whatdoyouneed?”
“Well,BobO’Learysuggested—shouldIgiveyouaminute?Icancomeback.”
“Nowisgood.”IwipedthebackofonehandacrossmymouthincaseI’ddrooledinmysleep,whichitfeltlikeIhad.
“Bobsaidyou’dbethebestpersontohelpwiththesketchI’vebeenworkingon.”BobO’LearywasalongtimesupervisingproduceratTNO,oneofthemanymagicianswhohadbeentheresincethebeginningandmadetheshowrun,whileremainingalmosttotallyunknowntothepublic.Noahwasnolongerleaningtowardme—hewasstandingstraightup—andInoticedthenthathewasholdingafewpapers.
Ipointedatthem.“Isthatthesketch?”
“Seriously,though,ifyouneedaminute—”
“I’llreaditnow.”Iextendedmyarm,andwhenhepassedmethescript,Iswungmyfeetoffthecouch.Igesturedtowardthecouch’sotherend.“Youcansit.Thisistheideayoumentionedatthepitchmeeting?”
Henoddedashesat.“ShouldItellyouwhatitisorjustletyoureadit?”
“Letmereadit.”
Igrabbedablueballpointpenandpulledatwo-month-oldissueofTheAtlanticoffthewindowsilltouseasasurfacetowriteagainst,andbeganreading.IwasdimlyawareofNoahBrewsterafewfeetawayfromme,scrollingonhisphone.ItwouldhavebeenalietoclaimIdidn’tfeelsomevestigialstressaboutkeepingahugecelebritywaiting.IstilloftenrecalledanobservationmadebyawriternamedElisewithwhomI’doverlappedformyfirsttwoyears,whichwasthatwhenwenonfamouspeopletalkedtofamouspeople,wewantedtheencountertobefinishedassoonaspossiblesothatwecouldgodescribeittoournonfamousfriends.ButmystresswasmostlyoffsetbytheknowledgethatIwaskeepingNoahBrewsterwaitingforhisbenefit.TheoverridinggoalsofanyepisodeofTNOweretoentertainandtomakethehostlookgood;agenuinelyfunnyorendearinghostcouldreapthebenefitsintermsofpublicperceptionforyears.
Thesketchwassevenpages,setinadancestudio,andfeaturedamusicianmeetingwithachoreographerinthepresenceoftworecordlabelexecutives,anagent,amanager,andavideographer.Thechoreographerwassayingthingslike“Whenyoudorainbowarms,thepeoplesittingallthewayinthebackwillfeelyourpassion”and“Aretrogradewillbringclosuretothesonginyourheart.”Inreply,thenamelessmusicianwassayingthingslike“ButI’masinger-songwriter.I’mnotamemberofCirqueduSoleil.”Inthetenminutesittookmetoread,Imarkedthescriptinafewplaces,thoughmoregentlythanIwouldhaveforacastmemberorfellowwriter’swork.Abouttwo-thirdsofthethirdpageachievednothingandcouldeasilybecut,butinsteadofdrawingabluelinethroughthatsection,Imadeaquestionmarkinthemarginnexttoit.Onpagefour,whenthechoreographeraskedthemusicianifhe’deverconsideredincorporatingsomekindofpantherintohisshow,Ilaughedoutloud.
AfterI’dfinished,NoahBrewsterandImadeeyecontact,andIsaid,“Isthisbasedonpersonalexperience?”
“It’sbeenawhile,butwhenIfirststartedplayingarenas,therecordlabelhadmeworkwithachoreographerwhohadalotofridiculoussuggestions.Herideasmadesensefromavisualstandpoint,intermsofthesizeofarenas,buttheywerereallyinfluencedbytheboybandcrazeandcompletelyoffformepersonally.Justalltheseverymelodramatichandgesturesandpauses.”
“Yourscriptisactuallyinprettygoodshape,althoughIthinkitcanbetightened.Doyouwantmetogiveyoufeedbackandyougoworkonitorwecanreviseittogethernow?”
“I’dlovetogetyourhelprevising.Bobsaidyou’reageniuswithstructure.”
“Ha,”Isaid.“I’mprettysurethat’saeuphemismforbeingmorehardworkingthanfunny.CanyouemailmetheversionIjustread?”Istood,steppedtowardthedesks,andpulledoverDanny’schairsoitwasnexttomine.
AsItookaseatinmychair,NoahsatinDanny’s.Hewastappinghisphone,andhesaid,“What’syouremail?”
Igavehimmyaddressandasked,“Howlonghaveyoubeenworkingonthis?”
Hesmiled.“I’mtemptedtopretendIstarteditearliertoday,butatleastafewweeks.WheneveritwasthatIgottheconfirmationI’dbehosting.”
“There’snoshameinpreparation.Obviously,alotofstuffherehappensonthefly,butsometimesasketchthatendsupbeingabighitissomethingthewriterwaspitchingweekinandweekoutforanentireseason.”AfterIhitthereturnkeyonmykeyboardtobringthemonitortolife,myopenemailaccountcameintoview.Atthetopoftheinboxwasanarticlemystepdadhadforwardedwiththeheadlineasthesubject:DailyGarbanzoBeans,OtherLegumesLowerBadCholesterol.JustunderthatwasanemailfromHenrietta,relatedtoasketchshewantedustowritetogetherandfilledwithlinks,thathadasitssubjectlineBatshitevangelicalmominfluencers.ThoughitfeltweirdlyintimatetoexposemyinboxtoNoah,thewallbehindthecomputermonitormademeevenmoreself-conscious.I’dtapedtwophotosthere,thefirstofwhichwasofmeandHillaryClintoninDecember2015,takeninherTNOdressingroombeforeshe’dappearedinasketchI’dwritten.Theotherwasofmymotherholdingmeasababyinearly1982,mymotherwearingabuttonlessdenimvestoverayellowblouseandmewearingayellowonesie.BetweenthephotosI’dtapedarumpledpieceofprinterpaperwithtwocolumns.Inthefirstcolumn,handwrittenbyme,werethewordsboner,balls,dick,cock,blow,goldenshower,manhood,handjob,suck,prick,beatoff.Intheothercolumnwerethewordspussy,tits,titties,eatout,nipples,finger,hairyvagina,vagina,vulva,pink,wet,queef,cervix,fist.Nexttopinkwereparentheseswiththreeexclamationpointsinsidethemandnexttocervixwereparentheseswitheightexclamationpoints.AsNoah’semailappearedinmyinbox,andIdownloadedandopenedthefile,heremarkedonnoneofthis.
Isaid,“Yourattachmentisn’tgoingtogivemeanSTI,isit?”
Helaughed.“Ihopenot.”
“Okay.”Onmydesk,inthespacebetweenthemonitorandthekeyboard,weremyalmost-emptycoffeecupfromtheafternoonandabouttwodozenhairelastics.Iliftedanelasticandloopedmyhairintoabun.“Youactuallyhavealltheingredientsyouneed,butthey’renotinquitetherightorder.Andit’skindofsubtleinplaces,but,becauseofthesketch’sphysicality,itcanbemoreslapstick.Doesthatmakesense?”
“Itdoes.”
“Also,I’msuresettingitinadancestudioisrealistic,butit’llconfusetheaudience.Itshouldbesetinthestadiumwherethemusicianisperforming.Soyoucollapsespaceandtimeforthesakeofclarity.”
“Gotit.”
“Anotherthingforclarity,andthiswouldkillafewbirdswithonestone,iswecouldstartwithatitlecardthatgivesthedateandplace.Wait,whatifthemusicianisexplicitlyyouryoungerself?Andwardrobecancomeupwithsomeawesomeearly-two-thousandsclothes?SothetitlecardsaysMadisonSquareGarden,May2001,orwheneveryourfirstalbumwasreallyexploding—whenwasthat?”
“ThealbumwasreleasedinMay2001.”
I’dalreadytypedMadisonSquareGarden,andIglancedathim.“I’llemailthedocumentbacktoyouafterward,andobviouslyyoucanchangeanywordingthatyoudon’tlike.”
“Goforit.Please.”
IaddedMay2001.“Theothercharacterswilladdressyoubyname,sotheaudienceimmediatelyknowsit’syou.Butthenextissueistherearetoomanycharacters.Doyouthinkanyoneservesapurposeherebesidesyouandthechoreographer?”
“Isn’titimportantfortherecordlabelexecstobethere?Toshowthatthesearedirectivescomingfromaboveandthemusician—well,me—can’tjustshrugthemoff?”
“True.Maybeweshouldevenplaythatup.”Thecurrentfirstlinewasfromthechoreographer,whosaid,“Iwanttogiveyousomeideastojazzupyourdancemovesonstage.”Aboveit,IinsertedanexecutivesayingNoah,we’vesummonedyouherebecauseweatyourrecordlabelaregettingfeedbackthatyourliveshowslackexcitement,andwethinksomecutting-edgechoreographywillreallyenhancetheaudience’sexperience.
“It’sridiculouslyobvious,”Isaid,“but,unlessthere’sapayoffforwithholdingthepremise,youmightaswellgiveitasfastaspossible.”
“Whatiftheguyislike,‘Accordingtosomefocusgroups…’?”
“Oh,that’sevenbetter,”Isaid.“Howabout‘Accordingtofocusgroupsheldwithonehundredtwelve-to-fifteen-year-oldgirlsresidinginfourmid-Atlanticstates…’?”
Helaughed,andIretypedthesentence.
Webothwerequiet,andafterafewseconds,Isaid,“?‘We’reconcernedthatthegirlssittingupinthenosebleedsectionaren’tsufficientlyreceivingyoursoulfulemotions.’?”
“?‘Andthiscouldaffectyourlong-termsales,’?”Noahadded,andItypedbothparts.
“?‘Sotheworld-famouschoreographer’—weneedtogiveherasillyname—‘isheretoofferherexpertise.’Hmm.LuluvonFloppyBosoms?”
Again,helaughedinthatlightway.“Sure.”
“JustFYI,somestuffthatreadsonthepageasonlymildlyfunnyisautomaticallytentimesbetterwhenthecastisactingitout.Okay,nowwecancuteveryoneotherthantherecordlabelguys,you,andLulu.Thecelebrityentouragecluttersupthesketchbecausetheyaren’treallywhatit’sabout.Sowegiveeveryoneelse’sdialoguetotheexecs,butyoupickwhoplaystheparts,andtheirnamesgointhescript,notthecharacters’names.WhodoyouwanttobeLuluandwhodoyouwanttobetheexecutives?”
“Shouldn’tIaskpeopleifthey’reinterestedbeforeassigningthemarole?Idon’twanttobepresumptuous.”
Ilaughed.“You’rethehost.Anycastmemberwillbehappytobeinyoursketch.”
“Whatdoyouthink?Foroneoftheexecs,Joshalwayscracksmeup.”
“Yeah,he’dbegood.”ItypedJosh’snamebeforethefirstrecordexecutive’sdialogue.“AndmaybeHakeemistheother?Andforthechoreographer—”EitherHenriettaorVivwoulddoanexcellentjobandeachwaslikelytoappearinmultipleothersketches.Namingachronicallyunderusedcastmember,Isaid,“WhataboutGrace?”
“Sure.”
“Thenfromhereonout,reallytheonlychangeI’dmakeistoputLulu’schoreographysuggestionsinorderofridiculousnessfromleasttomost.It’smoresatisfyingiftheyescalate,soitstartswithwavingyourhandsaroundalotandendswiththepantheridea.”
“There’sonethingIdidn’tputintherebecauseitdidn’tcomefromachoreographerbutfromkindoflike,Iguesshewasanimageconsultant.HerecommendedIperformshirtlessandinleatherpants.”
“Oh,that’sperfect.Butlet’smakethepantsintoshorts.Shortsareevenbetter.Orwhatifyou’retheonewhosuggeststhis,andit’sthepivotattheend?Soup’tilnow,itseemslikeyou’resoresistanttothesesillyideas,butyou’rejustresistanttotheirsillyideas.Andyou’rewearingtear-awayclothesthatyoupulloff,andyousaysomethinglike‘I’mconfidentthataudienceengagementwillbeenhancedbymybeautifullysculptedbody.’?”
Noahshookhisheadgood-naturedly,andhisblondsurferhairshiftedalittle.“I’mstartingtofeellikeIjustdugmyowngrave.AndI’mstillwiththesamelabelIsignedwithin1999.That’stheironyhere,asIvilifytheminpublic.”
“Ifitreassuresyou,there’snoguaranteeanysketchwillgetpickedfortheliveshow.”Whenoureyesmet,Isaid,“ButIbetthisonewill.”
“IguessI’mawinnereitherway,”hesaid.“Oraloser?”
Iscrolledthroughthedocument,makingthechangeswe’ddiscussed.Whenwegottothethirdpage,Isaid,“Thischunkcangobecauseitdoesn’testablishanythingnew.It’skindoffiller.”
Icouldtellhewasreadingthelinesonscreen,thenhesaid,“No,you’reright.”
Attheend,IinsertedthestagedirectionsforhimtoripoffhisclothesthenIglancedathimoncemore.“Wanttoreaditthroughoutloud?Youcandotheyoupart,andI’llbetheexecsandthechoreographer.”
Webothlaughedafewtimesasweread.WhenNoahsaid,“Becausemybeautifullysculptedbodywillenhanceaudienceengagement,”Irealizeditunintentionallyechoedtheearlierlineaboutcutting-edgechoreographyenhancinghisliveperformances.Icutthesecondenhanceandreplaceditwithincrease.Ingeneral,wordrepetitionworkedonlywhenitseemedintentional.
“Weneedatitle,”Isaid.“Butjustasaplaceholder,sodon’toverthinkit.SomethinglikeChoreographer.”
“Done,”hesaid.“Choreographer.”Hepointeddownattheelasticsonmydesk.“Isitwhenyoupullyourhairbackthatyourmagicaleditingpowerskickin?”
Ilaughed.“I’veheardofnovelistswhoareverypreciousabouttheirwritingrituals,liketheyhavetolightacandleordrinkherbalteafirst,butTNObeatsthatoutofyou.”
“Well,IfeellikeIjusttookamasterclassincomedywriting.Iseriouslycan’tthankyouenough.”
“Again,itstillhastomakeitpastthetablereadandrehearsals,butIactuallythinkit’sreallyfun.”
“Thewayyoukeepsayingactually,”hesaid.“It’slikeyou’resurprised.”
“Sorry.It’sjustthatveryfewhostswritesketches,andeveniftheydo,awriterprobablydraftedit.Andhonestly,foramusicianhost,it’salmostunheardof.”
“DoyouknowIwritemyownsongs?”
“Butdon’tyouthinksongsandsketchesaredifferentanimals?”
“Well,structureisreallyimportantinboth,right?Andrhythm?Andwhatyouwithholdversuswhatyourevealupfront?”
“True.”
“Whatkindofmusicdoyoulike?”
“WhatkinddoIlike?”Thequestioncaughtmebysurprise.
“Ifyou’remakingdinnerathomeoryou’reonthesubway,whatareyoulisteningto?”
“Iguessarange.Ifwe’retalkingaboutgenres,mostlyfolkorpop.”
“Whichspecificartists?”
“Idon’thaveparticularlycooltasteifthat’swhatyou’reasking.HaveyoumetthewriterJeremiah?Healwaysknowsaboutbandsbeforetheyblowup.”
“I’mjustcurious.Iswearthisisn’tatrickquestion.”
“WhenIwasinthirdgrade,IhadacassetteofTheSupremes’GreatestHitsthatIplayedsomuchthetapestartedunspoolingoutthebottom.Andthen,becauseofhowupsetIwas,mymomtookmeonanemergencytriptothemallthatsamedaytoreplaceit.”
Hesmiled.“Andsincethen?”
“Mostlyfemalesinger-songwriters.MymomlikedLindaRonstadt,PattiLaBelle,JoanArmatrading,sowelistenedtothemalot.DollyParton,ofcourse.AndSade.AndthenmytastesortofseguedintomorecountryishlikeLucindaWilliamsandEmmylouHarris.Andthen,youknow,MaryChapinCarpenter,DarWilliams,ormorerecentlyBrandiCarlile.Oh,andJanelleMonáe.”Iglancedoverandsaid,“MyfavoritesingersofalltimearetheIndigoGirls.”
“Yeah,they’reincredible,”hesaid.
Ilookedathim—westillweresidebyside,perhapssixinchesapart—andsaid,“Areyouserious?”
“Whywouldn’tIbe?”
“Alotofpeople—meaningmalewritershere—wouldusetheIndigoGirlsasapunchline.Orhaveusedthemasapunchline,tomakeajokeaboutsomethingthat’sveryfemaleorthat’slesbianishorthat’searnestlypolitical.AndIfuckinghateit.Partlybecauseit’ssexist,butevenmorebecauseit’snotfunny.It’slazy.TheIndigoGirlsaresupertalentedandhavebeendoingwhattheydoforalongtime,ontheirterms,regardlessofculturaltrends,andnowthatwe’reabuddingautocracy,it’salittlehardertomockthepeoplewhohavealwaysstoodupfortherightsofthedisenfranchised.Plus,theyjusthavesuchbeautiful,complementaryvoices.”Ipaused.“That’swhyyoucametomyoffice,right?YouwerehopingforarantabouttheIndigoGirls.”
“IloverantsabouttheIndigoGirls.Haveyouseenthemlive?”
“Yes,abunchoftimes.Haveyou?”
“IperformedwiththematafundraiserinL.A.yearsago.AndAmydoesbackupvocalsonmysong‘EastMatunuck.’I’mtryingtothinkifthey’veeverbeenonTNO.”
Ofcoursehehadplayedwiththem,ofcoursehewasonafirst-namebasiswiththem.ButhowhadInotknownAmyRaywasononeofhissongs?“Funnyyoushouldask,”Isaid.“Theyhaven’tbeenthemusicalguests,buttherewasonceaspoofofthemwherethecastmembersplayingthemweredudes.Thiswasbeforemytime.”
“Howlonghaveyouworkedhere?”
“It’smyninthseason.AnotherfunfactisthatTNOandIareactuallythesameage.Iwasbornthemonthofthepremiere,inOctober1981.”
“Thatseemsauspicious,right?”Noahsaid.“IwasborninSeptember’81,soyouandIarethesameage.Ifyou’vebeenherenineyears,Itakeityoulikeit?”
Ihadtoadmitthat,forallhischeesiness,hehadimpeccablesocialskills.Mosthostswerecharismaticandmanywerepolite;somewerecuriousaboutthehistoryoftheshow;butalmostnonewouldaskawritermultiplequestionsaboutherself.Itdidn’tseemrudetomethathostsregisteredwritersthesamewaytheoutsideworlddid,whichwasfarlowerinthehierarchythancastmembers.Alotofwritersaspiredtobecastmembers,andsomehadauditionedforthecastatthesametimethey’dauditionedforthewritingstaff,butIfeltliberatedbynotwantingmore.Itwasn’tbyaccidentthatIhadneverappearedoncamera.
“Forsure,thisismydreamjob,”Isaid.“Evenwiththebaked-insexism,evenwhenI’vebarelyslept.Ijustcan’timagineajobwhereIlaughmore,orthepeoplearemoretalentedandhard-working.Andtogetpaidtomakefunofstuffthatdeservestobemadefunofandhavethishugeplatform—whatmorecouldamisanthropefromMissouriwishfor?”
Helaughed.“AreyouamisanthropefromMissouri?”
“Yesandyes.”
“Ifeelthatwayaboutmymusic—like,Thiscountsasajob?SometimesIgetscaredthatsomeoneisgoingtotellmethejigisup.Ifooledeveryoneforacoupledecades,butnowthey’verealizedI’mafraud.”
“What’sthefraudulentpart?Thatyoudon’treallyknowhowtoplayguitar?”
Helaughed.
“Thatcouldbeasketch,actually,”Isaid.“Withyoujustsortofwigglingyourfingersonthestrings.”
“Actually,”herepeated.“See?Youdosayitalot.Butno,thefraudulenceisbeingrewardedforsomethingI’dgladlydoforfree.You’dhavetobesuper,superentitledtoexperiencethatandneversecond-guessyourselforatleastbeamazedbyyourluck.”
“ThethingIworryaboutisoverstayingmywelcome,”Isaid.“There’ssupposedlyaTNOcursewhereifyoustaytoolong,yougetstalehereandyoumisstheboatonthenextstageofyourcareer.Itonlyappliestowritersandcastmembers,though.Alotoftheproducersandwardrobeandmakeuppeoplehavebeenaroundforever.”
“What’stheboatyou’dmissbynotleaving?Like,what’syournextact?”
“I’mgoingtowritenon-condescending,raginglyfeministscreenplaysforromanticcomedies.”
Heglancedatme.“Whatmakesaromanticcomedynon-condescendingandraginglyfeminist?BesidesanIndigoGirlssoundtrack.”
“Mostlythequalityofthewriting.Andrelatedtothat,thecharacterdevelopment.Whenoneofthosemoviesdoesn’twork,it’susuallybecauseit’shorriblywrittenand/orthescripthasn’tdonetheworkofconvincingyouthecoupleisattractedtoeachother,sothenyoudon’tcareifobstaclesgetintheirwayandkeepthemapart.Anotherofmypetpeevesisthatthefemalecharactersusedtoallbesortofcutesy,likehavingflourontheirnoseaftertheybakedcookiesandnotknowingit.Andnowthey’reallamess,likewakingupreallyhungoverandgettingfired.Iwanttocreatecharacterswhoaren’tflawlessbutalsoaren’tridiculousorincompetentatlife.”Afterasecond,Iadded,“Wow,wasthattworantsinarow?IswearI’mactuallynotatotalasshole.”
“Youactuallydon’tseemlikeatotalasshole.”
“IthinkI’llleaveattheendofnextseason,thirteenmonthsfromnow.”Oddly,Ihadn’ttoldthistoanyoneelseyet,includingViv,Henrietta,ormyagent.“AndthenIwillhavebeenhereexactlytenyears.ButwhoknowsifI’llreallybeabletocutthecord?”
“I’mgladyou’reherenow,tonight.”Noahpointedatmycomputerscreen.“Tosavemefrommyself.”Afterapause,hesaid,“Ihavetoask—”andheleanedforwardandtappedthepieceofpaperwiththetwolistsofwords.
“Thefirstcolumniswordsthenetworkcensorhasallowedinsketches,”Isaid.“Thesecondcolumniswordsthenetworkcensorsaidwereoffensiveandhadtobechanged.It’salmostlikethere’sadoublestandardfortermsrelatedtomen’ssexualityandtermsrelatedtowomen’s,huh?”
“That’scrazy.Evenpink?Andwet?”
HearingNoahsaypinkandwettogether—Ifeltanunprecedentedsympathyforthecensor,who,asithappened,wascurrentlyawomaninherfiftiesnamedJanice.Aloud,Isaid,“It’sallcontextual,ofcourse.Obviously,youcanhavesomebodysay‘That’sanicepinksweater.’Theproblemwiththestandardsrulesisthattheyaren’tevenrules.It’sjustatthediscretionofoneperson.”
“Doyouthinkgettingcensoredhaseverforcedyoutofindaworkaroundthat’sbetterthanwhatyouoriginallyhad?”
“Forsure,”Isaid.“ButIstilldon’tlikethehypocrisy.”
Afteracompanionablesilence,hesaid,“IfIneversang‘MakingLoveinJuly’again,I’dbeokaywiththat.IwroteitwhenIwaseighteen,andI’mgrateful,ifit’spossibletofeelgratefultoasong,becauseitopenedsomanydoorsforme.Butthechordrepetitionsaresimplisticand,yeah,itiskindofcheesy.ThereasonIstillperformitisn’tformyownenjoyment.”Wemadeeyecontact,andhesaid,“Obviously,weliveinaworldwherefanshavewaystobeveryvocalwhentheythinkthey’vebeenshortchanged.”
Sothiswasbehindallhisquestionsaboutmyfavoritemusicians—hefeltdefensiveabouttheCheesemongerideaI’dpitched.Hisdeclarationthatsketchesworkedbetterwhenthehostwasmakingfunofhimselfnotwithstanding,perhapshewasasvainandtouchyasanyoneelse.
“Ihaven’twrittentheCheesemongersketchyet,”Isaid.“Myinstinctisthatitcouldbefun,butyou’reundernoobligationtodoitifyouthinkit’sdumborinsultingoryoujustdon’twantto.”
“Ihavetoseehowitturnsout,right?”
Itriedtothinkofagraciouswaytoconveythatifitwaslikelyhe’dpushtocutthesketch,I’dprefernottospendanyofthenexttenhourswritingit.
“Randomquestion,”hesaid,“butarethereanymalesinger-songwritersyoulike?”
“Oh,sure.JasonIsbell.NeilYoung.Andyou,ofcourse.”
“Ofcourse.Whichwouldyousayareyourthreefavoritesofmysongs?”Inthismoment,surprisinglyenough,hedidn’tsoundvain.IfIhadn’tknownbetter,hadn’tknownthatcharmingpeoplewaspartofhisjobdescriptionandthathedatedtwenty-two-year-oldmodels,Imightevenhavethoughthewasflirting.
“It’shardtochoose,”Isaid.“SomethingIreallyadmireisthelevelofqualityyou’veoperatedatforsolong.”
“Nicetry.Justthree.”
“Okay,well—”Iheldupmyrightfistthenextendedmythumb.“One,‘MakingLoveinJuly.’Then,hmm—”Frantically,Isearchedinmymind.HewasubiquitousenoughthateventhoughIdidn’tlikehismusic,Isurelyknewatleastthreeofhissongtitles,butitwasdifficulttosummonthemoncommand.Thenatitlecamefromnowhere,and,releasingmyindexfinger,Iexclaimed,“?‘BestLaidPlans!’?”WhathadhesaidwasthenameofhissongwithAmyRayonbackup?OrhadIalreadyrevealedmyignorance?Ithenrecalledacollaborationhe’ddonewiththemononymicpopsingerFran?oise.“Oh,and‘Sepia.’?”Iwasn’tsureif“Sepia”countedmoreasNoah’ssongorFran?oise’s,butIdidsortoflikeit.Plus,Iwasnowtriumphantlyholdingupthreefingers.
“It’sanamazingcoincidence,”hesaid,“givenwhatafanyouare,becausethosearemythreemostpopularsongs.Infact,thoseareprobablythesongsthatsomeonewho’sneverreallylistenedtomymusicwouldbefamiliarwith.Wouldn’titbewildifyouwroteanentiresketchabouthowcheesymymusicis,butyou’dbarelyeverlistenedtoit?”
“Ifbywildyoumeanegregiouslyirresponsible,thenyes,”Isaid.“ButsinceI’mthepresidentoftheManhattanchapterofyourfanclub,thatsuggestionisdeeplywounding.”
Hewasgrinningandshakinghishead,andIwasgrinning,too,andIsaid,“YouknowhowIsaidI’mnotabigasshole?MaybeIamabigasshole.”
“Impossible.”
“Whenthefanclubmeets,it’sinachurchbasementandwehangalife-sizedposterofyouonthewallandgazeatit.”
“Oh,really?”hesaid,andhethendidsomethingveryconfusing.Heturnedtowardme,cuppedmychinwithhishand,andlookedintentlyintomyeyes.“Likethis?”hesaid.“Isthiswhatyoudo?”
Wasthegesturebrotherly?Orflirtatious?Orjuststrange?
Itseemedhewaswonderingthesamebecausehequicklydroppedhishandandsaid,“Sorry.Ifeellikeit’sweirdIjustdidthat.”
BecauseofhowsurprisedIwas,Iovercompensated.Inamerryvoice,Isaid,“Aroundhere,youhavetotrymuchhardertobeweird.Ifyoupeedinapicklejarandleftitonmydesk,thatwouldbeastart.Anyway,seriously,you’llmeetwithNigelandElliotandtheproducersafterthetableread,andI’msurethey’llletyouhavethefinalsayontheCheesemongersketch.”
“No,Itrusttheprocess,”hesaid.“I’vealwaysbeenundertheimpressionthatwhen—”ButIdidn’tlearnwhathe’dalwaysbeenundertheimpressionaboutbecausethiswasthemomentwewereinterrupted.AutumnDiCanio,whowasheadofTNO’stalentdepartment,appearedinthedoorway,alongwithoneofherassistants.MostofAutumn’sassistantswerepretty,long-hairedblondesjustoutofcollege—thisalsodescribedAutumnherself,exceptshewasforty—andbecauseIhadtroubletellingtheassistantsapart,Iwasn’tsureofthisone’sname.
“Noah!”Autumnsaidwarmly.“We’vebeenlookingeverywhereforyou!How’reyoudoing?”
Itoccurredtomeforthefirsttimethatitwasratheroddthisrevisionhadjusthappenedinmyoffice,thatNoahhadfoundhiswaytomesolo.Hostswereregularlyintheofficeduringtheweehours,especiallyastheweekwenton,buttheywerealmostalwayschaperonedbyAutumnoramemberofherstaff,orwritersvisitedthehostinhisorhereighth-floordressingroom,supplicant-style.
“I’mgood,”Noahsaid.“Sally’sbeenhelpingmewithmysketch.”
“Fantastic,”Autumnsaid.“Sally’soneofourverybest.Wehaveacardownstairstotakeyoutothehotelwheneveryou’reready,unlessyouguysarestillworking?”FormyfirstfewyearsatTNO,I’dinstinctivelydislikedanddistrustedAutumnbecauseofherupbeat,brisklycorporateenergy.However,I’drealizedovertimethatshewashighlyorganizedandcompetentinawaythatwashardnottorespect.Andshehadgreattaste.Inadditiontobookingandthenbabysittingthehostsandmusicalguests,shescoutedfornewcastmembers,whomNigelrejectedorhired.AswithBobO’Leary,thepublicdidn’tknowAutumnexisted,butshe’ddiscoveredmanyofcomedy’shouseholdnames.
Noahturnedandlookedatme—Iwasfartherinsidetheoffice,fartherfromAutumn—andhesaid,“Iguesswe’rewrappingup?”
“I’llemailtherevisionbacktoyou.”
“Sally,justemailittomeandccMadison,andwe’lltakecareoftherest,”Autumnsaid,andIcouldtellthatshewastryingtoprotectNoahfromsharinghisemailaddresswithawriter;shedidn’tknowhealreadyhad.Sheadded,“Noah,we’llmakesureyoursketchisinthepileforthetableread.That’llbeatthree,andthecarwillcomeforyouat11a.m.forthephotoshootandpromovideos,sohopefullyyougettohavearelaxingmorning.”
NoahhadturnedbackinAutumn’sdirectionbutonceagainlookedatme.“Doyouneedaridehome?”
Washejoking?Isaid,“Oh,IstayhereonTuesdays,”andAutumnlaughedandsaid,“I’llbetSally’snightisjustbeginning.”
Noahstoodthenandsaid,“Thanksagain.Ireallyappreciateit.”
“I’mheretohelp,”Isaid,andIsuddenlyfeltcringinglyawkward.Ihadnoideaiftheawkwardnesshadoriginatedwithme,orwiththearrivalofAutumnandtheassistant,whosenameIwasnow87percentcertainwasMadison,orwiththefactthatNoahhadrecentlygrabbedmyface.BothAutumnandmaybe-Madisonworeverytightblackjeans,angularblackshirts,andpointyblackboots.IwasabruptlyconsciousthatIwaswearinggraysweatpants,ablacksweatshirt,lightgreenrunningsocks,andnoshoes.Noahwassomewhereinthemiddleoftheirstyleandmyslovenliness,injeans,sneakers,andalong-sleevedbrownT-shirtwitharefrigeratoronit.
Beforethethreeofthemleft,Noahwavedfromthedoorway.“Seeyouatthetableread,”hesaid.
Wednesday,4:43a.m.
WhenDannyreturned,helookedexhaustedbutgaveoffahappyenergy.BeforeIcouldask,hesaid,“All’swellinBellyville.”
“Gladtohearit.”SincemyeditingsessionwithNoah,I’dspenttwoandahalfhoursworkingontheCheesemongersketch.Afterhe’dleft,I’dfeltchurnedup,presumablyfromhiscelebrityaura,andIhadn’ttriedtogobacktosleep.Icurrentlyhadfourpagesofthesketch,whichweren’tverygood,andtheoverstimulationthathadgrippedmeat2a.m.waslonggone.IreachedforthepagesoftheDannyHorstRulesketchsittingonmydeskandheldthemouttoDanny.“Willyouhelpmewithyourdialogue?”
“Man,Sally,havesomeself-respect.”
“I’mtryingtoturninthreeseparatesketches,”Isaid.
“That’sonyou.DoyouthinkitwouldbeweirdifBellyandIbreakaglassatourwedding?Shesuggestedit.”
“Doyouwantto?”
Heshrugged.Thoughherarelymentionedit,awidelyknownpartofDanny’soriginstorywasthathe’dgrownupinanOrthodoxJewishenclaveinNewJersey.Astheoldestboyofsevensiblings,he’dattendedayeshivathroughhighschoolandhadbeenexpectedtobecomearabbilikehisdad.Buthe’dsecretlywatchedcomediansoncablefromtheageoftwelveon,andhe’dlefthiscommunityafterhisfirstyearatarabbinicalcollege,whenhemovedintoahomelessshelterforyoungadultsthat,bycoincidence,wasaboutamilefromtheTNOstudio.Sevenyearslater,Dannywasstillestrangedfromallofhisfamilyexceptabrother,whichhejokedwasareasonablepricetopayforgettingtoeatfriedshrimp.AndhewasfarfromtheonlypersonatTNOwho’denduredmisfortune;tragedy,ofcourse,oftenbegatcomedy.
Dannyhadtakenthepagesfromme,andhereadthemsoquicklythatifIdidn’tknowhim,I’dhavethoughthewasskimming.“Thisisbrutal,”hesaid.“Inanawesomeway.”HetookapenoffhisdeskandbeganfillinginthespacesI’dleftblank.Whenhe’dfinished,hesaid,“It’sdefinitelybetterifI’mthesecondcopwhocomesin,notthefirst.”
“Becauseitincreasesthetensionofwhenwillyouappear?”
Henodded.
“IwonderifNoahwouldbewillingtobethefirstcopinsteadoftheguyonthedate,”Isaid.“ButhewassonegativeaboutthesketchinthepitchmeetingthatIdon’tevenwanttoask.”
“Yeah,thatwasarealslap-downfromhiminNigel’soffice.”
IthoughtoftellingDannyaboutmyrecentencounterwithNoah,buthowwouldItellit?Iwasn’tsure.Instead,Isaid,“Thanksfornoticing.”
Dannysmirkedashehandedbackthepages.Hesaid,“Chuckles,everyonenoticed.”
Wednesday,2:57p.m.
Intheinterludebetweenturninginmysketchesandthetableread,Itookacabhome,fellasleepforanhour,woke,showered,andwalkedtotheSeventy-ninthStreetsubwaystation.AsIstoodontheplatformwaiting,Ireadthetextsthathadcomeinduringmynap,whichincludedtwofrommycollegeroommate,Denise,thepediatrician,wholivedinAustin.RespondingtomyquestionaboutifViv’sophthalmologistcouldaskherout,Denisehadwritten:
Doctorshouldnotaskherout.ButIdon’tknowspecificlawsorrules.Iknowitisdifferentwithpsychologist/psychiatristwhereitmightbeunethical.
Then:Isthisforasketchorreallife?
Reallife,Itypedback.Canmyfriendaskthedrout?
FromHenrietta,tobothVivandme,therewasaphotoofabagofcoffee-flavoredpotatochips,alongwithatext:Didweknowtheseexist?
WhenIreachedtheseventeenthfloorof66,HenriettaandVivweresittingonthecouchofmyoffice,andDannywasathisdesk.Vivtiltedthepotatochipbaginmydirection,andItookone,whichlookedlikearegularpotatochiptoppedwithadustingofcinnamon.IbitoffatinyamountasDannysaid,“It’snottheworstthingever.”
Iswallowed.“Orisit?”
Dannyreachedoutandtookafewmore,stuffedtheminhismouth,andsaidwhilechewing,“They’rewrongbutweirdlycompelling.”
Henriettasaid,“LikeLogCabinRepublicans.”
“OrthatmonkeyinJapanwhowascaughttryingtofuckadeer,”Vivadded.
Asweallwalkeddownthehalltotheconferenceroom,IsaidtoViv,“MycollegeroommatesaidDr.Eyeballsisn’tsupposedtoaskyouout,butIaskedifyoucanaskhim.I’mwaitingtohear.”
Vivgrimaced.“Yeah,Idon’treallydothat.”
“What’sitliketobesobeautifulyouneverhavetomakethefirstmove?”
Shelaughed.“Advantageousyetburdensome.Also,inmycase,complicatedbyAmerica’songoingmisogynoir.”
Theconferenceroomwasfullasweentered,withmostseatstakenaroundthepushed-togethertablesinthecenter,aswellasaroundtheperimeteroftheroom.Therewereevenmorestaffmembersatread-throughsthanatpitchmeetings,includingfromhairandmakeup,wardrobe,setdesign,andthemusicdepartment.Spreadoverthetableswerescriptsofthesketchesand,becausewe’dbethereforthreehours,bottledwatersandscatteredplattersofsandwiches,salad,cut-upfruit,chips(presumablynotcoffee-flavored),andcookies.Whetheryouconsideredthismealbreakfast,lunch,ordinnerdependedonhowlateyou’dbeenupthenightbefore.
Danny,Viv,andHenriettaalltookseatsatthetablethathadbeensavedforthem.Itookasecond-perimeterseat,mybacktothewindowsthatoverlookedmuffledhonkingtrafficandmuffledfrolickingtouristsseventeenstoriesbelow.NoahBrewsterwasinthemiddleofthetables’southside,totheleftofNigel,whoalwaysnarratedthestagedirectionsinallthesketches.Theworsethesketchwasbeingreceived,thefasterheread.
IthappenedthatIwasabouttwentyfeetfromNoahbutdirectlyinfrontofhim,andwhenwemadeeyecontact,hesmiledandIfeltawildsurgeinsideme,thoughIwasn’tsureifitwaspanic,excitement,orsomethingelse.Hewaspainfullyhandsome,yes,butIhadalreadyknownthat.Ireflexivelylookedaway,asifwewerestrangerswho’daccidentallylockedeyesonthesubway.ThenIrealizedthatlookingawayhadbeenrudeandodd,becauseweweren’tsubwaystrangers.Wewere,ifonlyforthisweek,colleagues,andpartofmyjobwastomakehimcomfortable.Iquicklylookedback,sawthathissmilehadbeenreplacedwithamorequizzicalexpression,andforcedasmileofmyown.WhenIdid,heraisedahandandwaved.ThenacastmembernamedBailey,TNO’sfirstnonbinaryperformer,leanedinfromNoah’sleftandsaidsomething,andNoahturnedtowardthemandreplied,andtheybothlaughed.
Elliot,theheadwriter,calledthemeetingtoorderbystickingtwofingersineachcornerofhismouthandwhistling,andwegotdowntoit.Castmemberswho’dturnedinsketchesalwaysgavethemselvestheleadingrole,whichthey’dread,whereaswritersassignedrolestovariouscastmembers,andtheseassignmentssometimesstuckandsometimesdidn’t.IfNigeldecidedacastmember,especiallyafavoredone,hada“lightweek,”hemightunilaterallymakereassignmentsasasketchadvanced.
WestartedwithasketchaboutthepornactressallegingthatTrumphadpaidhertokeepquietabouttheiraffair,thentherewasasketchwhereNoahwasperformingthenationalanthembeforeanNFLgameasaduetwithafamousdivaplayedbyHenrietta,andtheywerecompetingoverthehighnotes.ThefirstsketchtomakemereallylaughwastheonenowtitledBlue-EyedSoul,byTony,inwhichNoahwasthewhitepoliticianpreachingtoaBlackcongregation.
Evenafternineyears,Ifoundtablereadsfascinatingbecausetheyrepresentedtheintersectionofmultiplecreativeandpsychologicalforces.Inaroomfilledwiththepeoplewhomatteredinmylife,butwithnooutsideaudience,Iwasalwaysdesperatewithcuriositytofindouthowmysketcheswouldbereceivedandwhattheothersketcheswerelike;Iwasoftenshockedbythebrillianceofsomesketchesandthecrumminessofothers;anditwasunsettlinglyeasytoinfersocialdynamicsbythelaughterandwarmth,orlackof,withwhichasketchwasreceived.Morethanonce,ithadbeenatatablereadthatI’dfirstsuspectedtwopeoplewereromanticallyinvolved,orthatsomeonewasgoingtobeletgoattheendoftheseason.
Anhourandfiveminutesin,wegottoTheDannyHorstRule.AfterwhatI’dthoughtofasmybestline,therewasonlyhalf-heartedlaughter,while,tomychagrin,theloudestlaughlinesweretheonesDannyhadwrittenforhimself.Still,Icouldfeelthatthesketch’scatchilyself-referentialpremisemeantitwaslikelytomakeittothenextstage.
Formalfeedbackdidn’thappenduringatableread—whetheryoursketchendedupinthelineupfortheshowwasthefeedback.Butbeforewewentontothefollowingsketch,thewriterJeremiah,whowassittingbehindNigel,said,“WhatIreallyrespectisSally’sfearlessnessinthefaceofoffendinghalfthestaffhere.”
Frommychairagainstthewindow,Isaid,“I’lltakethatasconfirmationthatitstrikesachord.”
AwriternamedJennasaid,“Andtheylivedheteronormativelyeverafter,”andBaileyleanedbackfromthetabletofist-bumpJenna.
Bycoincidence,myBlabbermouthsketchcamerightafterTheDannyHorstRule,andBlabbermouthalsogotrespectableifnotinordinatelaughs.Writersoftensoughtoutthecastmembers,includingthehost,who’dbereadingtheirsketchestomakesuggestionsaboutwhattonetouse.ThoughIhadn’tsoughtoutNoah—I’darrivedattheread-throughjustbeforeitstarted,andalso,forsomereason,Iwouldhavefeltweirdinstructinghim—hedidagoodjob.Theconceitwasthatthemalejudgesofthesingingcompetitionwerespeakingoverhim,too,inadditiontospeakingoverthefemalejudge,andheandthefemalejudgebegandoingotherthings,likefilingtheirnails,playingcheckers,andpullingoutyogamatsandsittinginthelotuspose.ThealchemyhappenedthatI’ddescribedtoNoahthepreviousnight,whenasketchwentfromwordsonapagetoamuchfunnierliveenactment.
AfterBlabbermouth,though,therewasastringofduds,includingonebyafirst-yearwriternamedDouglaswhomHenrietta,Viv,andIreferredtobehindhisbackasCatchphrasebecausehisprimarygoalatTNOseemedtobetosendacatchphraseintothezeitgeist.Thisweek,thecatchphrasethatCatchphrasewastryingtocoinwas“Ridin’towardya,ridin’fromya”—thesketchfeaturedCatchphrasehimselfonaunicycle—andIfeltaflare-upofloathing.HowandwhyhadCatchphrasebeenhired?Howandwhywashesoconfident?Inhissecondweek,I’dsuggestedduringrewritesforsomeoneelse’ssketchthatawomangetonallfourstoforceafartoutbeforeherdatearrived.Referringtoaviralsketchfromsevenyearsearlier,Catchphrasehadsaidinacasualyetknowingtone,“That’stooderivativeofMyGirlfriendNeverFarts.”I’dreplied,“Hmm,Iwonderifthat’sbecauseI’mthepersonwhowroteMyGirlfriendNeverFarts.”Appearingnotatallchastened,Catchphrasesaid,“Ah,soyou’reaself-cannibalizer.”
Noah’ssketch—Choreographer—wasafterRidin’.Itgotlaughsrightaway,whenNigelreadtheMadisonSquareGarden,May2001titlecard,andthoughthelaughterdwindledratherthanbuildingasthesketchcontinued,itstillseemedfunnyenoughtomakethecutonitsownmeritandnotjustbecauseithadbeenwrittenbythehost.Attheconclusionofthesketch,Noahmadeeyecontactwithmeandnoddedonce.Inoddedback.
TheCheesemongerwastheverylastsketchofthetableread,bywhichpointtherewasapalpablerestlessnessintheair.Peoplewereconstantlygettinguptousethebathroomorstretchtheirlegs;eventhemidpointbreakhadbeenninetyminutesbefore.Theearlierinthetablereadyoursketchcameup,thelikelieritwas,regardlessofquality,tobewellreceived.Forthisreason,andbecauseIhadn’tbeenfeelingallthatinspiredwhenIwrotetheCheesemonger,myexpectationswerelow.
Iwaswrong,though;thesketchwasmetwithlotsoflaughter.AndmostofitcouldbeattributedtoNoah.Inthestagedirections,I’dcalledforhimtosingthelinesthatintroducedthecheeses—“ThisisaSwissss,”or“HerewehaveadelectableCamembert”—andhereallywentforit,inanoperaticway.I’dgiventherolesofthethreecustomers,whoapproachedthecheesestandoneaftertheother,toHenrietta,Viv,andBailey,andtheyallhadgreatchemistrywithNoah.Orperhapsitwasjustthateveryonewasrelievedtohavereachedtheendofthemeeting.
Asweallfinallystoodandpeoplethrewawaytheirpaperplatesandchatted,Ipulledmyphonefrommyjeanspocket.Sometimes,ofcourse,Ihadtheimpulsetocheckmyphoneduringmeetings,beforerememberingthattherewasaninfinitesimalchancethatanymessagefromoutsidecouldmattertomeasmuchaswhatwashappeninginthisroom.
I’dheardbackfrommycollegeroommateDenise:Yourfriendcandefinitelytrytoaskoutthedoctorbutmostdoctorswouldbelike,“Ohthankyou.Youaretoosweet.”Andthenmoveonwiththevisit.Basicallynotevenacknowledgingtheasking.
Iscreenshottedthetext,sentittoViv—whowasstandingfifteenfeetaway,talkingtoNigelandAutumn—andadded,Obviouslymyroommatedoesn’tknowthefriendhereisyouandthelawofgravitydoesn’tapply
Wednesday,9:13p.m.
Afterthetableread,Nigel,Elliot,BobO’Leary,andanotherproducernamedRickKlemmwouldgotoNigel’sseventeenth-floorofficeandclosethedoor.Anhourortwolater,you’dfindoutifyoursketchhadbeenpickedfortheSaturdayshow—ormoreaccurately,ifithadn’tyetbeeneliminated—whenaninternappearedintheconferenceroomandpostedacopyofthelistofsketchesfromtheread-throughwiththepickshighlighted,thenunceremoniouslyleftadditionalhighlightedlistsonthetable.Meanwhile,inNigel’soffice,brightlycoloredindexcardsfeaturingsketchtitleswerepinnedonacorkboardinorderoftheirtentativeappearance.Allthisinformationcouldhavebeensentoutviaemail,sparingtheminglingofpeoplereceivinggoodandbadnews,butthiswasanotherTNOtraditionthatNigelapparentlyhadnodesiretochange.Typically,ahandfulofpeoplewerewaitingintheconferenceroomtoseethelist,andthosewhoweren’twaitingquicklyfilteredinaswordspreadthatpickswereout.
Theintervalbetweenwhenthetablereadendedandthelineupgotrevealedwasalwayskindoftenseandweird—somepeopledeliberatelyleftthebuilding,includingabunchofthemalewritersandcastmemberswhoplayedbasketball—butIstuckaround.Itwasn’tthatlongtowait,andIwantedtoknowassoonaspossiblewhetherI’dbeworkingfrantically,exhilaratingly,betweenthismomentandSaturdaynight,orifI’dhavenothingmuchtodobesidesattendThursdayrewrites.Moreoftenthannot,oneofmysketchesmadeitpastthetableread,andIwasparticularlyoptimisticforthisweek,butitstillwasfarfromagiven.
InVivandHenrietta’ssharedoffice,Vivhadusassesshereyeinjury,whichwasfadingfromareddottoayellowone,fromvariousdistances.Shewastryingtodeterminetheexactnumberofinchesawayfromwhichitwasvisible.
“It’sreallynotobvious,”Isaid.“I’dhaveforgottenaboutitbynowifyoudidn’tkeepremindingme.”
“You’renotwatchingmeinhigh-def.”
ThenextwaywekilledtimewasthatHenriettaandItriedtoconvinceVivthatemailingtheeyedoctorandofferinghimatickettotheshowwouldn’tviolateherpolicyofnotmakingthefirstmove.Orthat,ifitdid,perhapsthatwasfine,too?
Vivwaslyingonthefloorstretching,bendingandturningherleftlegsidewaysandpressingherrightelbowagainstherknee,andHenriettaandIwerebothslumpedonthecouch.LookingatHenrietta,Vivsaid,“Youbetternotusethis.”ShewasreferringtoHenrietta’srecurringAreStraightPeopleOkaysegmentonNewsDesk,inwhichHenriettaofferedfauxearnestupdatesabouttheridiculousnessandoutrighttoxicityofprominentheterosexualcouples.Supposedlyformaterial,Henrietta,whosewifewasanarthistoryprofessornamedLisa,followedcelebritygossipmoreavidlythananyoneelseIknew.TheironyofHenriettabeingacelebrityherself,albeitanextremelyprivateonewho,alsoironically,wasn’tonsocialmedia,waslostonnoneofus.ThoughItendedtobesolidlyconversantinsuchgossip,Henriettaalwaysheardeverymorselfirst.Ithadbeeninatextfromher,accompaniedbyalink,thatI’doriginallylearnedDannyandAnnabelweredating.
“Howaboutthis?”IsaidandreadaloudtheemailI’dbeencomposingonmyphone.“?‘Dr.Elman,itwasnicetomeetyouyesterday,andI’mfeelinggoodtoday.Asathank-you,I’mwonderingifIcangiveyouatickettoTheNightOwls,whereI’macastmember.Letmeknowifyou’reinterestedandwecanfigureoutadate.Eitherway,thanksagainforyourhelp.Viv.’?”
“?‘Letmeknowifyou’reinterestedinremovingallmyclothesandboningme,andwecanfigureoutadate,’?”Henriettasaid.“But,Viv,doyouevenhavehisemail?”
“HegaveittomeincaseIhadfollow-upquestionsaboutmyeye.”
“Right.”Henriettamadeairquotes.“?‘Aboutyoureye.’?”
“Nooffense,Sally,butthatemailisboringandnotatallfunny,”Vivsaid.
“Granted,butit’sopen-endedanddoesn’thitthemedicalstufftoohard.Ipurposelydidn’tincludethewordeye,butitdoeshavethewordsfeelinggood,interested,anddatetosubliminallylurehimin.”
“Seriously?”Vivsaid.
“No,”Isaid.“Well,maybe.Ithinkitgivesyouboththecoveryouneedatthispoint.Areyouaskinghimoutorexpressingappreciationfortreatment?Whocansay?Andyouseemmodestfornotassumingheknowsyou’reonTNO,right?EventhoughIbethedoes.”
Vivwrinkledhernose.“CallinghimDr.Elmanissoformal.”
“Doyouknowwhathegoesby?Ted?Teddy?”
“ImayormaynothavedonesomereconnaissanceandfoundanalumniupdatehesenttothePennclassof’88.He’sfifty-two,andhegoesbyTheo.”
“Holyshit,he’sfifty-two?Notholyshitlikethat’ssoold—Imean,it’skindofold—butholyshitlikeI’dhaveguessedtenyearsyounger.”
“HaveItaughtyouguysnothing?”Vivlookedbothamusedandimpatient.“Blackdon’tcrack.”
“Sorry,”Isaid.“Butstill.”
“Haveyoueverdatedsomeonethatmucholderthanyou?”Henriettaasked.
“Likefiveyearsago,thisItalianguyhitonmewhenIwasflyingbackfromParis,andwewentonafewdates.”Shegrinned.“YouthinkDr.Theohadoneofthosestartermarriageslikeyou,Sally?”
Isaid,“Ifhedid,hiswouldhavebeenbackintheearlynineties.Whenyouwere,what,inkindergarten?ButIactuallylikethesoundofhim.Professionallysuccessfulbutnotintheentertainmentindustry,sohewon’tbethreatenedbyyourcareer.Mostdoctors—”Andthenallthreeofourphonesexplodedwithtextsfromothercastmembersandwriterstellingusthesketcheshadbeenpicked.
Italsowouldhavebeeneasy,ofcourse,forsomeonetosendaroundaphotoofthepicks,butnooneeverdid.Westoodandhurriedtotheconferenceroom,and,asweroundedthecorner,acastmembernamedDuncansaidtome,“Notbad,Milz.”Dannywasstandinginfrontofthepostedlist,andheraisedhiseyebrowsandsaid,“Yougotahattrick,Chuckles.”Heheldupahandforahighfive,andIslappedit.
Includedonthelist,inadditiontoTheDannyHorstRule,theCheesemonger,andBlabbermouth,wereNoah’sChoreographysketch;adigitalshortwrittenbyTonyandLiannathatjuxtaposedshotsofadismayedBlackgrandpawho’dbeplayedbyJaywatchingsocialmediavideosofwhitewomenshowingthewaysthey“improved”variousrecipes,likebyaddingraisinstomacandcheeseormarshmallowstofriedokra;theJamesComeysketch;Sister&Father,arecurringsketchwhereHenriettaplayedanuninlovewithapriestplayedbyHakeem,whichthisweekfeaturedNoahasthePope;asketchbyawriternamedTessabouttalkingmedicationsinabathroomcabinet;aThreeTenorssketchbyJoseph;andCatchphrase’sterribleRidin’TowardYasketch.Neitherthedogs’GooglesearchessketchI’dco-writtenwithVivandHenriettanormyfavoritesketchfromthetableread,theonebyTonyaboutthewhitepoliticianattheBlackchurch,hadmadethecut.Andthelikelihoodwasthattwoorthreemorewouldbeeliminated.TherewerenoguaranteesatTNO,butstill:I’dneverinnineyearshadthreesketchesinthesameepisode.
Oneofthewriters,Patrick,saidwarmly,“IsitsexualharassmenttosaythatIhateyourightnow?”
IandtheotherwriterswhosesketcheshadbeenpickedwanderedintoaroomnexttoNigel’sofficetospeaktotheheadsofallthedepartmentswhowouldmakeourwordsthree-dimensional:wardrobeandhairandmakeupandproductiondesignandspecialeffects.ThesetswouldbebuiltatawarehouseinBrooklynthentransportedbackto66,ideallyonFriday,tobepainted.WhiletalkingtoasetdesignernamedBuddy,Isaid,“Yeah,amixoftriangularhunksofcheeseandwheelsbutbotharewaybiggerthanlife-sized,”andthenIsaidtoawomaninwardrobenamedChrista,“ForBlabbermouth,I’mpicturingNoahinsomethinglikeanimalprintleggingsandajeanjacketsoIguessahairmetalvibe?”
Therestoftheweekwouldbechallengingandexhaustingandconsumingandmagnificent,andIthought,asImetwithBobO’LearytoconfirmwhichcastmemberswereineachofmysketchessohecouldcoordinatethewholecrazychessboardofTNO,thatwhatI’dtoldNoahthenightbefore,whatI’dthoughtathousandtimes,wastrue:Withoutquestion,Ihadthebestjobintheworld.
Thursday,1:08a.m.
IwaswalkingtowardtheelevatorstoleavewhenIheardsomeonesay,“Hey,Sally.”WhenIturned,Elliot—theheadwriter,whowasmarriedtothemulti-platinum-album-sellingsingernamedNicola—wasleaningoutofhisoffice.
Ipaused.
Hesaid,“Nicelineuponthecorkboard.”
Becausehe’dbeenpartofthemeetingwherethefirstroundofsketcheshadbeenselected,Isaid,“Ifyou’reofferingmetheopportunitytothankyou,I’llholdoff’tiltheliveshow.”Ididn’tpointoutthatI’dneverknowifhe’darguedfororagainstanyofmine.
“I’llbeshockedifatleastonedoesn’tmakeittoair,”Elliotsaid,whichdidn’tseemparticularlyencouraging.Headded,“Ijustwantedtosay—nottotouchthethirdrail—Ihope—”Hepaused,andIwasremindedthat,althoughhehadovertimeremadehimselfintoawell-groomed,successfulculturalarbitermarriedtoapopstar,hewasstill,fundamentally,anawkwardwriter.
AndthoughImyselfwasnostrangertoawkwardness,Iwasn’tgoingtohelphimout.“Youhope—?”Irepeated.
“Thatsomedayyou’llbeabletoletbygonesbebygones.”
IfI’dhadanyactingskills,I’dhavesaid,“Meaningwhat?”ButofcourseIknewwhathewasalludingto;eventhoughhewaswrong,Iknew.ElliothadstartedatTNOtheyearbeforeIhadandwaslegendaryforlandingwhatbecameawildlypopularsketchonhisfirstepisodeever.BythetimeIjoined,heseemedlikeabelovedveteran.Incontrast,myfirstyearhadbeenbumpyandconfusing,I’doftenbeentoointimidatedtoevenspeak,onlytwoofmysketcheshadmadeitonairinthewholeseason,andIhadn’tknownifIwouldbeinvitedback.TheweekinAugustaftermycontracthadbeenrenewed,afewmonthsbeforethenextseasonstartedinOctober,I’drunintoElliotattheStrand,nexttoatableofnovelsintranslation,andwe’dendedupgettingcoffeeandhavingasurprisinglyfrankconversation.IhadconfidedalltheinsecuritiesI’dbeenwrackedwith—mytotallackofexperienceinstand-uporimprov,thefactthatIhadn’tattendedHarvard—andhe’dmatter-of-factlysaidthatwasallnormal,almosteveryonefeltinsecure,evenpeoplewhohadlotsofexperiencewithstand-uporimprovandpeoplewhohadgonetoHarvard,andhistrajectorywasmoreanomalousthanmine.TNOlikedrawtalent,hesaid.NigelpreferredhiringpeoplefortheirfirstTVjobbecausethentheshowcouldmoldthem.ElliotpointedoutthatIdidn’talwayssubmitasketchforthetablereadandaskedifIwaswritingthemandnotsubmittingornotevenwritingthem.Theformer,Isaid.HesaidthatIshouldneverbetheonetopreemptivelyrejectmyideas;Ishouldforceotherpeopleto.Infact,Ishouldsubmitaminimumoftwosketcheseachweek,evenifIdidn’tthinktheywereinperfectshape.Thereweresomanyvariablesaffectingasketch’soutcome—thehost,thenationalmoment,Nigel’smood—plusanideacouldalwaysbedrasticallyimprovedinrewrites.Also,Elliotsaid,Ishouldseekoutcastmemberswho’dstartedaroundmyyear,whowereasgreenandhungryasIwas,andweshouldpoolourtalentsandclimbtherankstogether.Ourtimemightnotbenow,butifwepersisted,itwouldcome.Theonlywaytolearn,hesaid,wasbydoingit.Hedidn’tputitintheseterms,andI’mnotevensureifheknewthiswaswhathewassaying,buthismessagewas:Actlikeaguy.Itwasamessagethatturnedouttobeinvaluable.
Atthattime,hewasyearsawayfrombeingnamedheadwriter—wewerepartofawritingstaffoftwelve—andwebecameclosefriends.Wedidn’twritetogether,butformysecondseasonontheshow,wewereeditorsofeachother’swork,brainstormingaheadoftimeandpunchingupearlydrafts,andourcompatibilityhadtheunfortunateeffectofmakingmethinkwewereinlove.Ihadn’tdatedanyonesincemydivorce,whichhadbecomeofficialafewmonthsafterI’darrivedatTNO.Unlikeinthedynamicwithmyex-husband,ElliotandIsharedashorthand,ageneralsensibility,andthesameincrediblyweirdschedule.Afterholdinginmyfeelingsforsevenmonths,Ihalf-drunkenlyconfessedmylovetohimattheafter-partyfollowingtheseasonfinaleofmysecondyear,herebuffedme,IcriedtoawriternamedStephaniewhilesheateaplateofgrilledsesameshrimpandscallions,andIneveragainwasclosetoElliot.Forthesubsequentsevenyears,whilefrequentlyattendingthesamemeetingsandpassingeachotherinthestudio,we’dspokenonlywhennecessary.
ButIneitherlongedfornorresentedhim,asI’dalwayssensedhebelieved.ThoughI’dbeenhurtandhumiliatedbyhisrejection,ithad,Isoonrealized,freedmeandofferedclarity.IwouldneveragainriskpoisoningTNOformyselfbyfallingforortryingtodateanyonethere.AndthisdecisionmademeseethattherewasadifferentwayIwrotewhen,evensubconsciously,Iwasseekingmaleapproval,malesexualapproval:amorecoyway,morereserved,morenervousaboutbeingperceivedasangryorvulgar.ItwasthesyntacticalequivalentofdressingupasasexyzombieforHalloween.Frommythirdseasonon,I’dembracedmyangerandvulgarity.I’dbeenagrosszombie.
Ibeganwritingaboutostensiblyfemaletopics—cameltoeandwageinequity,polycysticovarysyndromeandJaneAusten,Do-si-dosandTrefoilsandmammogramsandshapewearandDirtyDancingandtheso-calledlikeabilityoffemalepoliticians.ByOctoberofthatyear,I’dwrittenmyfirstviralsketch,NancyDrewandtheDisappearingAccesstoAbortion,inwhichHenriettaplayedtheamateurdetective.ByDecember,I’dwrittenmysecond,MyGirlfriendNeverFarts,whichwasadigitalshortthatinterspersedmenatabachelorpartyremarkingonhowtheirgirlfriendsandwivesalwayssmelledgreatandwerehairlessinterspersedwithshotsofthewomengruntingandsweatingastheymovedacouchupastaircase,writhingonthetoiletwithexplosivediarrhea,andgivinginstructionstoanaestheticianwhowaswaxingtheirbuttholes.Ididn’ttrytobedisgustingforthesakeofbeingdisgusting,butIdidn’ttrynottobedisgusting.
Afewyearsafternotreciprocatingmyfeelings,ElliotappearedtodevelopanalmostidenticalfriendshipwithanothernewfemalewriterexceptthatIhadtheimpressiontheywerehookingup,butitdidn’tlast.ThesameseasonthatElliotbecameheadwriter,NicolaDornanwasamusicalguestontheshow,theybegandating,andayearafterthat,theygotmarried.Thisdevelopmentdidseemtovindicatehisapparentbeliefthatheshouldn’thavesettledforme.QuiteafewpeoplefromTNOhadbeeninvitedtothewedding,andIhadn’tbeenoneofthem.
Allofwhichwastosay,aswestoodinthehallwayoutsidehisoffice,belowaframedphotoofalegendaryTNOalumfromthefirstseasondressedastheEasterbunny—manysuchphotosadornedthehalls—IknewthatElliotwassayinghehopedsomedayIcouldgetoverhim.
Itriedtosoundpersuasivelynon-defensiveasIsaid,“Reallyandtruly,Elliot,theDannyHorstRulesketchisn’taboutyou.It’snotrevengeforyoumarryingNicola.”
Theexpressiononhisfacewassympatheticanddisbelieving,whichmademerealizeI’dhavevastlypreferredunsympatheticandbelieving.Somberly,hesaid,“Youhavegoodqualities,Sally.You’renotoutofthegameunlessyouthinkyouare.”
Iwasfilledwithsuchloathingforhimthatitalmostretroactivelytaintedthewiseyetnotentirelydissimilarworkadvicehe’dgivenmeyearsbefore.Iwastryingtocomeupwithareplythatwouldseempolitewhileactuallyfunctioningasaretort—Fuckyouwasneitheradequatelyclevernorsubtle—whenheadded,“Youknow,youshouldtrytogetAnnabeltodoacameoforthesketch.”
Simultaneously,Ithoughtthathewasright;thatthiswasasuggestionhe’dhaveconsideredcornybeforehebecameheadwriterbutnowacelebritycameowouldincreasetheafterlifeofasketchonlineandgainhimpointswithNigel;andthatIrespectedhisabilitytocollaboratewithmeprofessionallyevenashecondescendedtomepersonally.
“That’snotabadidea,”Isaid.
Thursday,1:51a.m.
Afterclimbingintobed,Ilayonmyback,proppedupagainsttheheadboardbytwopillows,andtappedtheiconforthemusicapponmyphone.AssoonasItypedNointhesearchbar,thelettersautofilledtoNoahBrewster.Thefirstsongthatcameupwas“MakingLoveinJuly,”whichhad,apparently,onthisappalone,beenstreamed475milliontimes.Thenumberdidn’tmakemelikethesong,butassomeonewhofeltproudwhenamillionpeopleviewedoneofmysketchesonYouTube,Ifoundithardnottobeimpressed.IlistenedtoafewofNoah’sothermostpopularsongsthatIdidn’trecognizebyname—onewascalled“Sober&Thirsty”andanotherwascalled“TopangaSunshine”—thentypedNoahBrewsterdeepcuts.Atwo-hour-and-forty-eight-minuteplaylistfeaturingthirty-ninesongscameup,madebyanothersubscribertothestreamingservicewhoseusernamewasBestBrewstyFanBarcelona.Theplaylisthadzerolikes,andtheuserhadeightfollowers.Ihittheplayarrow,setmyphoneonthenightstand,andclosedmyeyesasasongcalled“AllRegrets”started,afirstpersonnarrativeaboutthepromiseandexcitementofanewrelationship,theheartbreakwhenitcollapsed,andthesorrownotaboutlosingthewomanbutaboutbeingwrongonceagaininhisromanticoptimism.Boththelyricsandmelodywerestraightforward,andthoughIwasn’tknowledgeableaboutwhatwasgoingonwithhisguitar,theotherinstruments,orthebackupvocals,thesongwaspleasurabletolistentoatthesametimethatitwasdevastatinglysad.
WasNoahBrewsterhimselfsad?Withthathairandthosebigwhiteteeth?Isearchedtoseewhatyearthesonghadbeenreleased—2013—thentypedwhoNoahBrewsterdating2013.Myprecisequestionwasn’tanswered,butanavalancheofrelatedarticlesofferedthemselvesup,includingaslideshowheadlined“AlltheFamousWomenWe’veSeenNoahBrewsterWith,”andanessayheadlined“KissingandTellingwithNoahBrewster,”whichwasonefan’saccountofhavingsexwithhiminhishotelroomafterashowhe’dplayedinSacramentoin2009.Theaccompanyingphotoshowedaprettywomanwithlotsofdarkcurlyhair,wearingleggingsandazipperedjacket;shewas,orhadin2009been,anutritionistwho’dattendedhisconcertwithafriend.ShereportedthatNoahhadbeenaconsideratelover,thattheCeltictattooonhisbackresonatedwithherbecauseshe’dspentherjunioryearofcollegeinIreland,andthatherattemptstoreachouttohimfollowingtheirnighttogetherhadnotbeensuccessfuleventhoughthey’dhadan“amazingconnection.”Ithenreada2016interviewwithNoahinRollingStone,whichincludedseveralfactsIhadsomehowalreadyknown,througheitherhisTNObioorpopculturalosmosis:thathehadattendedaneliteall-boys’prepschoolinWashington,D.C.,andwasthesonofalawyerfatherandamotherwhoworkedineducation,who’dbothinitiallybeenconcernedabouthisdecisionnottoattendcollege;thatinhisearlytwenties,afterbecomingfamous,he’dhadaperiodofheavyalcoholanddruguseculminatinginanaccidentinMiamiwhenallthemembersofhisbandscaledarisingdrawbridgeandthedrummerfelloffanddied,afterwhichNoahbecamesoberandgaveamilliondollarstothedrummer’sgirlfriendfortheirchild’scollegefund;thatNoahhadfrom2010to2012datedamodelnamedMaribelJohnson,whowasadecadehisjunior,wasfromasmalltowninWisconsin,andhadappearedduringthattimeonthecoverofSportsIllustrated’sswimsuitissue;thathismostrecentgirlfriendhadbeenLouisianaWilliams,ajewelrydesignertothestars,thoughtheviabilityofherprofessionwasdifficultformetoassessbecauseshewasalsotheheiressto,ofallthings,apestcontrolfortune;thathewasdeeplyinterestedinarchitectureandhadsoughtoutmeetingswithleadingarchitectswhowere“impressed”byhisknowledge;andthathewasinvolvedinseveralcharities,includingonethatfundedresidentialrehabforpeopleinthemusicindustrywhomightnototherwisebeabletoaffordit.Unstatedinthearticlewasthatheclearlyhadanexcellentpublicist,orprobablymorethanone.Havinginteractedwithhim,Ibelievedhewasgenuinelynice,buttheleadingarchitects’supposedpleasureatbeingsoughtoutbyadilettantemademesnicker.
Bythispoint,IwasonBestBrewstyFanBarcelona’ssixthselection,“TheBishop’sGarden.”Itwasaboutahighschoolboy—thelyricspointedtobutdidn’tconfirmitsbeingNoah—whoseclassmateshookedupwithgirlsfromtheneighboringschoolinawalledgardenbetweenthetwocampuses,andhowtheboyneverparticipatedinthisritualeventhoughhewantedto.Ifthesongwasautobiographical,Ithought,thensurelythenutritionistinSacramentoandthevariousmodelshadrightedthispastinjustice.Butagain,thesongwasmelancholyandevocative—itmademethinkoftheguysIhadn’thookedupwithinhighschool—anditwasnotremotelycheesy.Infact,itwasthekindoffolky,poppymusicIliked.IfonlyI’ddonethismodicumofhomeworktwenty-fourhoursearlier,Ithought,Icouldhaveeffortlesslyansweredhisquestionaboutwhichofhissongsweremythreefavorites.Thoughalready,thememoryofsittingsidebysidewithhimatmycomputer,revisinghissketchinthemiddleofthenight,feltlikeadreamthewaylifeatTNOoftenfeltlikeadream:sovividandgoofyinthemoment,soephemeralonceitended.
Ididn’tknowwhenIfellasleep,butwhenIawakenedtwohourslater,thelightwasonandtheplaylistwasstillgoing.Ireachedouttoturnoffbothandwentbacktosleep.Whenmyalarmsoundedat9a.m.—myfirstrehearsal,forTheDannyHorstRule,wasat11—Iimmediatelybeganscrollingthroughmyphone.
Thursday,1:06p.m.
IhadstoppedbythemakeuplabtoapprovethepurpleeyelashesHenriettawouldwearintheBlabbermouthsketch,alongwithaslinkysequinedpurpledressstillbeingworkedonbywardrobe.Henriettaherselfwaselsewhere,andthepersonshowingtheeyelashestomewasFrancescaMartin,who’dledthemakeupdepartmentformorethantwodecades.AsIconfirmedthatthelasheslookedgood,thecastmemberOliver,who’dbeplayingJamesComey,cameintobefittedforhisprostheticnose,whichwouldbemadejustforhimoutofsilicone.
Iwasheadingtowardtheelevators—Iwasabouttojoinrewritesinthewriters’room—whenIgotatextfromHenriettatobothVivandme:DidDannabelbreakup?
Waitwhat,Ireplied.
Vivreplied,Ohshit,accompaniedbythebroken-heartemoji.
HenriettarespondedwithascreenshotofanInstagrampostAnnabelhadsharedanhourbefore,ablack-and-whitephotoofatoplessfemaletorso,onelong-nailed,manicuredhandsetatopbothbreastsinawaythatproppedthemupwhileconcealingthenipples.Superimposedoverthephotoatadiagonal,asinglesentenceappearedinquasi-cursivefont:
“Someofusthinkholdingonmakesusstrong,butsometimesitislettinggo.”
—HermannHesse
I’djustpressedtheelevatorcallbuttonwhenanothertextfromHenriettaarrived:AlsoHermanHesse?!
Itextedback,Maybeshe’sinto20thcGermannovelists?
Thoquotesoundsfake
Like“Followyourdreams”—GeorgeWashington
Doesthisreallymakeyouthinktheybrokeup?
FromViv:“Wecandohardthings”—GenghisKhan
FromHenrietta:GoogleDannabelbreakup
Theinternetthinksso
Bcshe’snotwearingengagementring
I’dmissedthefirsthourofrewritesbecauseofrehearsalforTheDannyHorstRule,andsinceIwasalreadylate,Ithought,Whynotbeevenlater?TheactualdeskthatDannysatbehindduringNewsDeskwasstored,withoutpomp,inarandomhallbytheelevators,andIperchedonthedesktoinvestigate.TheInternetwasindeedabuzz:“FansAskingifCrypticPostMeansAnnabel-DannySplit”readoneheadline,ofwhichthereweremanyvariations.HowmuchofanassholewasIforwonderingfirsthowthisdevelopmentwouldaffectmysketchandsecondhowitwouldaffectDanny?Attherehearsal,he’dseemednormal.
IwasskimminganarticleonaparticularlytrashywebsitewhenVivappearedbesidemeandsaid,“Hardatwork?”Thenshemurmured,“IheardbackfromDr.Theo.”
“Goodorbad?”
“Youtellme.”Shepassedmeherphone,whichwasopentoanemail.AsIbeganreading,Iheardthetuningofaguitarthroughanamplifierinthestudio.
DearViv,
Thisisaverykindoffer!IhaveenjoyedTNOovertheyears,andIwasawarethatyouwereacastmember,althoughatyourappointmentIwantedtokeepthefocusonyoureye:).Inorderformetoacceptasocialinvitationfromapatient,thepatientwouldneedtoswitchtoadifferentpractice(i.e.,adifferentdoctoratthisclinic).GiventhatyouarealreadyapatientofDr.Trumbull,aswitchshouldnotbeonerous,butIwanttobeclearthatIcannotcontinuetotreatyoumedicallyifIattendtheshow.
Manythanks,
Theo
“What’sbadaboutthis?”Iasked.“He’sbeingresponsible.”
“It’ssohalf-hearted.ManythanksisonedegreeawayfromBestregards.”
“He’ssayinghecan’tfallinlovewithyouwhilehe’sstillyourdoctor.Tellhimyou’llgobacktoseeingDr.Trumbull,andthelovefestcanstart.”
“Excuseme,Viv,”saidTrey,aproductionassistantinaheadset.“EvelynneedsyouinwardrobeforyourDannyHorstRulefitting.”
Vivlookedatme.“Thisistheonewhereit’smytalentandnottheoutfitthathastomakemelookcuteinfrontofMr.ManyThanks?”
“IactuallytoldFrancescanottogiveyouaunibrow,soyou’rewelcome,”Isaid.“Butit’sDr.ManyThanks.”AsVivwalkedtowardthewardrobedepartment,Icalled,“That’sagoodemail!”
Fromthestudio,Iheardsomeone,probablyaroadie,say,“One,two,miccheck,one,two,”anditwasthenthatIrealizedthattheguitartuningI’dheardbeforewasforNoahBrewster’ssongrehearsal.Thursdayafternoonwasthetimethatmusicalguests,whoofcourseusuallyweren’talsohosts,showeduptorehearse.Thesecasual,freequasiconcertswereahugeperkofworkingatTNO,andthebiggertheact,themorepeople“justhappened”tobepassingthroughthestudio,includingemployeesofothershowsatthenetwork.Severaltimes,I’dstoppedtowatchamusicianIwasminimallyfamiliarwithandwalkedawayfortyminuteslaterafan.
Iturnedaroundandreenteredthestudioproper,walkingtowardthemainstage,whichwasknownasHomeBase.ThefloorinfrontofHomeBasewascurrentlyamessofdisorganizedaudiencechairs;multiplecameras,includingtheiconiccranethatforeveryepisodeswoopedinfortheguesthost’sentrance;andrandomsetwalls.Crewmemberswerewanderingaround,whileabouttwentypeoplewereactivelywatchingNoah,includingAutumn,twoofherassistants,andacastmembernamedLynette.Isatonachairaboutfifteenfeetfromthestage’slip.Noah,whostoodwithaguitarhangingfromastrapoverhisleftshoulder—heworeclothessimilartotheoneshe’dhadonthepreviousday,agrayT-shirt,darkjeans,andblacksuedesneakers—wastalkingtothedrummerandthesoundengineers.Abassguitariststoodononesideofhimandarhythmguitarplayerontheother,andtowardtherearofthestagewereakeyboardplayerandtwobackupsingers.
“Allright,”Noahsaid.“We’regoingtotry‘Ambiguous’now.
“Youtextedmelate,”hesangintothestandingmic.“Likeithadn’tbeenyears…”
I’dneverheardthesong,whichIassumedwasonhisforthcomingalbum.Itwassomehowbothenergeticandmournful.Noahclosedhiseyesashesang—“Thisisalwaysyourway/Likeitisn’ttoolate”—andhisblondhairfloppedaroundashedidsomethingthatwasn’texactlydancing,butwasakindofrhythmicbouncingthatnudgedmeintothevicinityofembarrassment.Whichwasridiculous!Noahdidn’tneedmetofeelembarrassedonhisbehalf;thiswaswhathedid,andhaddonethousandsoftimesbeforestadiumsfullofpeople.Afterheopenedhiseyes,heoccasionallyglanceddownashisfingerschangedchords,sometimessteppingawayfromthemicashedid.Othertimeshewaslookingoutintothestudio,andbecauseIwassoclosetothestage,wesoonmadeeyecontact.Ajoltwentthroughmesimilartothejoltatthetableread.ButhowhadNoahBrewsterearnedtherighttounsettleme?
Ashecontinuedsinging,wecontinuedmakingintermittenteyecontactthatturnedintosustainedeyecontact.Washemockingme?Provingsomethingaboutmymusicalignoranceorhistalent?Orwashe,like,serenadingme?Inthemostliteralsense,hewasdefinitelyserenadingme—hewasstandingonastagewithaguitar,andIwasafewfeetaway,andhewassinging—butwhatdiditmean?Perhaps,aswasoftenthecasewithhumaninteractions,itmeantnothing.Yetinsteadofthejoltinducedbyourfirsteyecontactdissipating,somefeedbackloopwasoccurringinme,athrummingawarenessofmyownphysicalbody.
Thesonglastedprobablythreeandahalfminutesandendedwithamulti-guitarflourish,hisbandmatesclusteredaroundandsynchedupwithhim,andIfeltbothtranscendentlyaliveandimmobilized.ItwasonlywhenIheardotherpeopleclapping,thoughthereweren’tenoughoftheminthespacetoachieveacriticalmass,thatIrealizedIoughttoclap,too.
Noahgrinned,andIthoughtthatsurelyIwasexperiencingtheacheofbeingaroundincrediblybeautifulpeople.I’dbelievedthatI’dbecomeimmune,butitseemedIwashavingabreakthroughinfection.
Noahwaslookingatmeashesaidintothemic,“Thanks,everyone.Thisnextoneiscalled‘InboxZero.’?”
Myphonevibratedinmypocket,andwhenIpulleditout,IsawthatIhadthreetextsfromthesupervisingwriter,Kirk,whowasElliot’sdeputy.
Sallycanyoucometowritersroom,saidthefirst.
Then,AbouttodiscussCheesemonger
Then,Whereareyou
NeedingtoleaveNoah’srehearsalwasbothareliefandadisappointment.Forhisnextsong,Ididn’twanthimtokeepsingingtome.Andalso,Ididn’twanthimtostopsingingtome.
Thursday,1:40p.m.
Forrewrites,anywriterwhowasn’tatarehearsal,alongwithafewproducers,metatthebigtableinthewriters’room,allofuswithmultiplefreshlysharpenedpencilsandourownprintedcopiesofthesketches.Weirdly,giventhatNewsDeskandthehostmonologuewereprobablythepublic’stwofavoritepartsofTNO,theywerehandledseparatelyandwrittenlast,themonologueprimarilybyElliotandNewsDeskbyDanny,Hank,andRoy.
WhenIenteredtheroom,theywereworkingonSister&Father,thentheCheesemongerwasup.Itdidn’tgetchangedmuch,thoughwehadaheateddiscussionaboutwhetherprovolonewasafunnierwordthanGoudabeforewemovedontoTheDannyHorstRule.
Aswiththetableread,sketcheswerereadaloudatrewrites,andsomeofthewriterswhoaspiredtobecastmembersdidsotheatrically,butIreadmoreperfunctorily;ElliothadassignedmetoViv’srole.I’dwrittenthesketchsothatitstartedwithacoupleonadate,playedbyVivandGregor,themostconventionallyhandsomecastmemberandtheonewho’daccidentallythrowntheovenmittathereye.TheywerefinishingtheirmealatanItalianrestaurantandsayingwhatagoodtimetheywerehavingwhenacop,playedbyJoshBeekman—thatis,anotherTNOcastmembermarriedtoastar,inhiscasetheOscar-winningImogen—approachedtheirtableandsaid,“BothofyouareunderarrestforviolatingtheDannyHorstRule.Amanisallowedtodateawomanwayhotterthanheis,butawomanisn’tallowedtodateamanwayhotter.”AsVivandGregorprotested,Joshhandcuffedthem,andtheotherdinersattherestaurantexpressedeitherdismayorapproval.WhenGregortriedtoescape,Joshsaid“Codeeight”intohistwo-wayradio,thenDannyappeared,alsoinapoliceofficer’suniform,andsaid,“Igotyourcallforbackup.Oh,wow,thisisn’tamisdemeanor.It’safelony.”
Whenwe’dreachedtheendofthesketch,Elliotsaid,“ThemoretimesJoshexplainstherule,thelesssenseitmakes.”
“Yeah,Elliot,I’msureyouhavenoideawhattheruleisabout,”saidBenji,andIwasgratefulhe’dbeentheonetopointitout.
“IgetitthatI’mJoeSchmoewho’smarriedtoNicola,”Elliotsaid.“Elephantintheroomacknowledged.Butintermsofthelogichere,isn’tthereacounterargumentthatit’scommendablewhenasuccessfulmanendsupwithanevenmoresuccessfulwoman?Hecouldleadalifewherepeoplekowtowtohim,yetinthisrelationship,he’llalwaysbethesecondfiddle.”
Tonysaid,“Grouptherapyalert,”whichsomeonealmostalwayssaidatsomepointduringThursdayrewrites.
“Seriously,though,”Elliotsaid.“Whenagorgeouswomandatessomeold,grossdudewho’srich,everyoneacceptsthatit’stransactional.Bythatlogic,shouldn’tagorgeouswomandatinganordinaryguybeasignthatit’snottransactional?”
“Butthesketchisaboutpowerfulgorgeouswomendatingquote-unquoteordinaryguys,”Isaid.“Thewomenaren’tingenues.”
Elliotshookhishead.“Ifyouputtoofineapointontherule,youcallattentiontoitsincoherence.”
LessbecauseIagreedthanbecauseIknewthat,behindcloseddoors,ElliotcouldencourageNigeltocutthesketch,Isaid,“I’mfinetighteningJosh’sdialogue.Thesecondandfifthlinescangowithnoproblem.”
“WhereAnnabelsays,‘Comeon,honey,’toDanny,”saidawriternamedAlan,“isthattherealAnnabel?Ifso,weshoulddomorewithher.”
Hewasright.ButbecauseIhadn’tyetaskedAnnabelifshewaswillingtodoacameo,I’dinsertedjustonelineforherasaplaceholder.“Hopefully,it’stherealAnnabel,”Isaidandwonderedagainifthebreakuprumorsweretrue.Istillhadn’tseenDannysinceourmorningrehearsal.“ButTBD.”
“Assumingit’sher,”Benjisaid,“whatifshegoesoffontherule?”
“Butnotinawaythatbreaksdownthelogic,”addedLianna.
“Wait,”saidPatrick.“WhatifsomefamousfeministlikeGloriaSteinemcomesintotherestaurantandkindofchidesVivforbeingoutraged,andAnnabelisthefeminist?She’slike,yes,it’sabsurdthatsomeonelikeDannyismarryingsomeonelikeAnnabel,butwhocaresaboutthatshitcomparedtotheearningsgapandreproductiverights?”
“I’vegotit,”Isaid.“AnnabelshouldbetheghostofSusanB.Anthony.”
“Inasuffragistwhitedressandasashandagraybun,”Patricksaid.“Andthoselittleglasses.”PatrickwasaboutfiveyearsyoungerthanIwas,aslim,quiet,beardedHarvardgraduatewho’doncetoldmethathe’dbeensonervousbeforehe’dinterviewedwithNigelthathe’dsincerelyponderedpurchasingapackageofadultdiapers.Inthismoment,Ilovedhimdeeply.
“Isn’tSusanB.Anthonycanceledbecauseshewasaracistbeyotch?”saidawriternamedFletcher.
“Wecanacknowledgethat,”Isaid.“Bysomeonesaying,‘Shutup,Susan,you’vebeencanceled.’?”
“Thisyou?”saidTony.
“IfAnnabelisSusanB.Anthony,thenJoshorDannyshouldhitonherattheend,”Elliotsaid.“Like”—heswitchedtoawheedlingNewYorkerimpersonation—“?‘Yo,Susan,you’reafeministicon,Imake60KayearandI’monlytwelveyearsawayfrommypension,whaddayasaywemakesomemagictogether?’?”
Inspiteofmyself,Ilaughed.Ireally,honestlydidn’thavefeelingsforElliot,buttherewassomethingabouthimthatdid,ifIthoughtaboutitenough,makemesad.Iexperiencedadisorientationaroundthewaysoursensibilitiesdidanddidn’toverlap,andhadledustodrawoppositeconclusions.Hehadn’twantedtoberomanticallyinvolvedwithapersonwithwhomhesharedasenseofhumor,whereasIhadn’tbeenabletoimagineanythingbetter.Ormaybehe’djustthoughtIwasn’tpretty.Eitherway,hisaversionhadmademequestionmyviewoftheworld,myownbeliefsaboutwhatattractedtwopeople,tosuchanextremedegreethatI’dgivenuponromanticpartnershipcompletely.
Inthewriters’room,ElliotseemedtoconsidertheDannyHorstRulerewritesfinishedthen,becausehesaid,“Sally,canyoumakethosechangesandemailittoSheila,Kirk,andme?Nextup,let’sdoThreeTenors.”
Thursday,6:18p.m.
Duringabreakinrewrites,IreturnedtomyofficetoreviseandfoundDannyfacetimingwithAnnabelinwhatseemedtobeanormalway.Asusual,helayonthecouchholdinghisphoneinfrontofhim,andhenoddedatmeandsaid,“Hey,Chuckles.”Glancingbackatthescreen,hesaid,“Belly,Idon’tthinkithastobethesame.”
“Let’saskSally,”Annabelsaid.“Turnmearound.”
IrevolvedmydeskchairasDannyheldhisphonescreentowardme.Annabel’sredhairwasinabun,andsheworeawhiteveloursweatshirtandappearedtobesittingonthefloorofawalk-inclosetwithshelvesofveryorderly,brightlycoloredstilettoheelsjustbehindher.Herfacefurrowedasshesaid,“Isn’ttheresupposedtobethesamenumberofbridesmaidsandgroomsmen?Or,nottobehomophobic,whoever’sgettingmarried—thebrideandthebride?Butjustforbalance?”
IlookedabovethescreenatDanny,whowasvisibleonlytomeandwhoseexpressionwassurprisinglyearnest.“That’sacustommorethanarule,”Isaid.“Acouplecandowhatevertheywant.”
“ButifDannyjusthasHank,Roy,andTonystandingnexttohimandIhaveninegirlsnexttome,plusI’llprobablyincludeFarren”—wasIsupposedtoknowwhoFarrenwas?HadsheevensaidFarrenorhadshesaidDarrenormaybeFarrah?—“thenwhat?That’slopsided!”
“HowaboutifsomeofyourbridesmaidsstandonDanny’sside?”
BeforeAnnabelcouldrespond,Dannyturnedthescreenbacktowardhimselfandsaid,“Nowthat’susingyournoggin,Chuckles.Belly,Igottabeinwardrobeinasec.Yougonnabethereinlikeanhour?”
“Myeyebrowpersoniscomingat6:30,thenI’mfreeagain.”
“Okay,loveyou,mymoon.”
“Loveyoumore,mysun.”
Assoonashe’dhungup,Isaid,“Maybeyouguysshouldelope.”
“Yeah,that’snotBelly’sstyle.”Hestoodupfromthecouchandstretchedhisarmsabovehishead,revealinghispale,hairynavel.
“Doyouthinkshe’dbeinmysketchaboutyouandthedatingrule?”
“Askher,”hesaid,andthoughIcouldseethathewastappinghisphone,Ididn’trealizeuntilIheardringingfollowedbyAnnabelsaying,“Yeah?”thathehadcalledherback.“Sallyhasaquestionforyou,”hesaidandagainturnedthephonetowardme.
Ivastlypreferredcommunicatingviatextoremailtomakingphonecalls,andevenwhenIwascallingsomeoneIknewwell,IoftenthoughtthroughwhatI’dsaybeforehand.GiventhedelicacyofthisparticularrequestandAnnabel’sficklepersonalityandhighstatus,Imighthavegoneasfarasjottingdownafewwords—wasn’tthisoneoftheadvantagesofwritingdialogueforaliving?Caughtoffguard,Iblurtedout,“Hiagain.Sorrytobotheryou.I’mworkingonasketchabouthowatTNOit’shappenedafewtimesthathugestarslikeyoufallinlovewithmalecastmembersorwriters,andIwaswondering—”
“Don’tsugarcoatit,”Dannyinterrupted,soundingamused.“It’sabouthowgorgeousgirlsgofordudeswhoareunworthyofthem.You’resochickenshit,Chuckles.”
“Notunworthy,”Isaid.“Justlike,maybethere’saperceiveddiscrepancyinprofessionalstanding.”
Inaprimvoice,Dannyrepeated,“Maybethere’saperceiveddiscrepancyinprofessionalstanding.”Stillholdingthescreentowardme,heleanedhisheadaroundthesideofit,stuckouthistongue,andwigglediteitherseductivelyormockingly.“Sallywantstoknowifyou’llbeinasketchabouthowI’mdisgustingandyou’reasmokeshow.”
“Baby,you’renotdisgusting,”Annabelsaid.
“That’snotwhatit’sabout,”Isaid.“YouknowElliotandNicola?AndImogenandJosh?Thesketchis,kindof,uh,celebratingthattrend.AndI’msureyou’resuperbusy,butIthinkitwouldbereallyfunnyandtheaudiencewouldloveitifyouwereupforacameo.”
“Baby,turnthephonearound,”Annabelsaid,andwhenDannydid,shesaid,“Baby,doyouwantmetodoit?”
“Idon’tcare.”
“WouldIhavetowearprosthetics?Becausetheglueforthatwoodchucknosegavemearashforliterallytwoweeks.”
“Youdon’thavetowearprosthetics.Youcanjust,like,shareyourAnnabelsplendorwiththeworld.”
Dannyhadturnedthephonebacktowardme,andfrombehindit,heshookhishead,presumablyatmyobsequiousness.
“CanIthinkaboutit?”Annabelsaid.“AndIneedtotalktoVeronica.”
AswithnotknowingwhoFarrenwas,Ialsodidn’tknowwhoVeronicawas,butIimaginedanagentormanager.“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“AndwecanconnectyourteamwithAutumnDiCanioandherteamifyouhaveanyspecialrequests.Youcouldskiprehearsalstomorrow,but,ideally,you’dgetherebySaturdaymidafternoon.I’msureyouremembertheschedule.”
“Oh,shit,myeyebrowguyishere,”shesaid.
“Thankssomuchforconsideringthis,”IsaidasDannyendedthecall.
“?‘SharingyourAnnabelsplendor,’?”herepeated.“Chuckles,you’reaworld-classkiss-ass.”
Ishrugged.“Isn’tthereasonyou’remarryingherthatyouthinkshe’ssplendid?”
Friday,11:03a.m.
FromtheminuteIenteredthestudiotorehearsetheCheesemongersketch,whichwasabouttohappenonStage4,Iwasgrippedbyanagitationthatmayhavebeenpredictable,thatwascertainlymisplaced,andthatIhadn’texperiencedformanyyears:IwascompletelypreoccupiedwithNoahBrewster.WhenIsawhimfrombehindasIwalkedtowardthestage—heagainworealightT-shirtandblackjeans—Ifeltastomach-churning,pulse-quickeningswooninessthatIwassounaccustomedtoIalmostdidn’trecognizeit.ButIdidrecognizeit,justbarely.ItwasthekindofattractionI’dfeltinmiddleandhighschool,afull-body,brain-dominatingexcitedterror.
Naturally,Ipretendedthatnothingirregularwashappening.InoddedcurtlyatNoahwhenheturnedinmydirection,andtheninabusinessliketone,Isaid,“Hi,everyone.Hopeyou’reallfeelingcheesy-tastic.”InadditiontoNoah,therewerefourcastmembers—thecustomerswereplayedbyHenrietta,Viv,Bailey,and,asanadditionduringrewrites,Wes—andthreetimesthatmanycrewmembers.AutumnDiCanioandherassistantMadisonhadalsoshownup.
Aswithothersketches,therewasarudimentarysetinplace,agestureatwhatwouldexistbythefollowingnight.Iasthewriterwasalsotheproducer(oneofthedistinctprivilegesofTNO),whilethesketchdirectorwasaguynamedRick,andtheproductionmanagerwasBobO’Leary.Bobledtheblocking,figuringoutwhowentwhereinwhatorderandcommunicatingwiththecontrolroomaboutcameraangles.Thoughthecasthadcopiesofthescript,crewmembersalsostoodnexttothecameras,holdingcuecards.
IthoughtI’dcalmdownaswegotgoing,butmyroilingagitationcontinued.Whyhadthishappened?HowhadIdevelopedaconsuming,imbalance-inducingcrushonNoahfuckingfake-surferMaking-Love-in-JulyBrewster?Inmydefense,Ididn’tthinktherevisionsessioninmyofficehadsingle-handedlydoneit,norhadhismusicalrehearsalthedaybefore.Butthecombinationofthetwohadtrickedmybrainintothinkingtherewassomeparticularenergybetweenus;ithadtrickedmeintobeinghopeful.Andmaybe,becauseIlikedironyandplottwistsasmuchasthenextwriter,thehopewasweirdlyexacerbatedbyworkingontheDannyHorstRulesketch,whichfocusedontheveryimpossibilityofaromanticconnectionbetweensomeonelikeNoahandsomeonelikeme.Ioftenlivedpartsofmysketchesbeforeorafterwritingthem.Manywereautobiographical,notinawaythatwasintendedascatharsisbutbecausethatwasthematerialavailabletome,andsometimes,theonesIhadn’tliftedfrommypastturnedouttobeliftedfrommyfuture.Forafewyears,I’dwrittensketchesaboutacouplestherapistwhowasatwelve-year-oldgirl,playedbyViv,andthoughmyex-husbandandIhadn’tseenatherapist,thesketcheswereakindofholdingplaceformyoccasionaluneasinessaboutwhetherweshouldhave.AndI’doncewrittenasketchaboutawomanwhohidherjobfromherhookupsbeforeIbeganhidingmyjobfrommyhookups.Thedifferencewasthatthewomanwasn’taTVcomedywriterbutaspy.
Thecastreadthroughthescripttwice,andafterthey’dgoneovertheirlinesasecondtime,IhopedIsoundedlikeacompetentadultandnotacrush-addledmiddleschoolerasIsaid,“Greatjob,everyone.Thisisreallyawesomeandfun.Noah,you’reoccasionallyveeringintoanItalianaccent,andIdon’tthinkyouneedit—singingreallypassionatelyandearnestlyisenough.IseeyourvibeaslessEuropean,andmorethekindofdudewhounironicallytalksaboutlovelanguages.”
“Iamthekindofdudewhounironicallytalksaboutlovelanguages,”Noahsaid,andeveryonelaughed.
“Bailey,youcanshowmoreskepticismtowardNoah,”Isaid.“WhileViv,you’refullyintohisschtick.”
“Aye,aye,captain,”Vivsaid,andBaileysaid,“Likehostileskepticism?OrlikeIjustdon’tgethim?”
“Hmm.”IturnedtoRickandBob.
“Ivoteforthelatter,”Bobsaid.
“Iagree,”Isaid.“Morelikemiddle-agedbaffled.”
“Thismightberandom,”Noahsaid,“butwhatifIsingaduetwithoneofthemattheend?Ifoneofthecustomersisas,youknow,cheesyasme.”
“Oh,Ilovethat,”Isaid.“Henrietta,let’shaveyoudoit.”
“Ab-so-luuuuutely,”Henriettatrilled.AlmostallTNOcastmemberscouldsingrespectably,andsome,includingHenrietta,hadtrulybeautifulvoices,thoughsherarelyusedhersinabeautifulway.
IturnedbacktoNoah.“ButdoyoumeanarealsongofyoursorwouldIwriteone?”
Noahlookedamused.“Ifyouwanttowriteasongbytomorrownight,Ican’twaittohearit.”
“Yeah,let’sgowithanexistingsong.Areyouokaywithitbeing‘MakingLoveinJuly’?”
Hegrinned.“Sally,I’dexpectnothingelse.”
Noahgrinning,Noahusingmyname,Noah’sabilitytobewarmandnormal,whilemyinsideschurned—itwasallsomewhatdevastating.Didherememberthat,thepreviousafternoon,he’dserenadedme?WasIsupposedtonevermentionthathe’dserenadedme?Hadhenotserenadedme?
Isaidtothegroup,“We’llgettheupdatedscriptstoyouASAP.Otherwise,thanksagain,everyone.”
Iwasstandingjustoffstageatthispoint,andNoahsteppeddownandapproachedme.Inthesamefriendlytonefrombefore,hesaid,“DidyouhearElliot’sideaformyChoreographysketch?IguessIhavenoonetoblamebutmyself.”
“Wait,what’stheidea?”
“Youknowhowthechoreographersuggestsputtingapantherinmyshow?Elliot’saskingNigeltospringforarealpanther.”
“Oh,wow.Areyoucomfortablewiththat?”
“God,no.”Noah’sforeheadwrinkled.“Wouldyoube?”
“You’llforsurehearfromanimalrightsactivists.WhichIunderstand—Isometimesgetstressedoutontheanimal’sbehalf,butthetruthisthatmygreatestmomenthereinvolvedareindeer.”
“Whatsketchwasthat?”
Ishookmyhead.“NothingIwrote.Inmythirdseason,intheepisoderightbeforeChristmas,DianaRosswasthemusicalguest,andattheveryend,shesang‘JoytotheWorld,’andfakesnowfellfromtherafters.Thecastwasstandingbehindhersingingalong,andNigelcameoutwithareindeerthathadantlersandeverything.Iknewitwascorny,butIalmostcouldn’tcontainmyhappiness.”
“Wereyouonstage?”
“Oh,God,no.Never.Iwasonthestudiofloor.”
“Isomehowmissedthatepisode,butitsoundsawesome.AndI’mnotevenapersonwhoworeoutherSupremes’GreatestHitstapeingradeschool.”
Ilaughed—althoughwe’ddiscusseditlessthanthreedaysago,Icertainlywouldn’thaveexpectedhimtorememberthatdetailfrommylife—andheadded,“MygreatestshowwasinGlasgow,duringacrazysummerstorm.Fortheentirelasthour,therewasatorrentialdownpour,andeveryoneandeverythinggotsoaked.Me,myband,theinstruments,thestage,theaudience.Iruinedmyguitar,anditwassocompletelyworthit.”
“Iguessthecommondenominatorforepicliveperformancesisaweathereventinvolvingprecipitation,”Isaid,andhegrinnedagain.
“Anditdoesn’tevenhavetobenatural,”hesaid.“Itcanbeman-made.Haveyoureallyneverappearedonstagehere?”
“Yes,”Isaid.“Ireallyneverhave.Ipreferlurkingintheshadowslikeagoblin.”Hemadeaconcernedexpression,andIsaid,“Idon’tmeangoblininabadway.It’sapointofpride.”
Hisexpressionshiftedtosomethingwarmerashesaid,“Goblindefinitelyisn’tthewordI’dhavepickedforyou.”
Surely,ifIwereapersonadeptatbanterinreallife,I’dhavebattedmyeyelashesandsaid,“Whatwordwouldyoupick?”ButIwasadeptatbanteronlyonthepage,andIsaid,“Anyway,aboutthepanther,ifyou’reintotheidea,great,andifyou’renot,justsaysotoElliot.”
“Where’sthefuninthat?”
AndthenAutumnmaterializedathiselbowandsaid,“Noah,it’stimeforyourtuxfitting.”
Lookingatme,Noahsaid,“Aren’tIfancy?SeeyouattheBlabbermouthrehearsal.”BeforeIcouldreply,he’dbeenwhiskedaway.
IpulledoutmyphoneandtextedViv,Where’dugo
Sherespondedwithaphotoofherselfsittinginthearmchairinherdressingroom,makingafestiveexpressionandholdingaloftacanofDietCokethewayapersonmightholdupachampagneflute.Withinaminute,Iwasknockingonherdressingroomdoor.
“Badnews,”IsaidasIentered.“IrealizedNoahBrewsterishot.”
Shelaughed.“Welcometo2001.”
“Whydidn’tanyonetellme?”
“Thatanagingwhiteboyheartthrobwalksamongus?Sally,therearecertaininsightsawomanhastohaveonherown.”
“Doyouthinkhe’sacockyjerk?”
“Probably.”
“Butbasedonworkingwithhimsofar?”
“AtthedinneronMonday,hewasprettydown-to-earth.Hetoldastoryaboutspraininghisanklewhiledoingparkourwithhisagent.”
IwantedtoconveythatitseemedasiftherewassomesortofattractionbetweenNoahandme,butitfeltembarrassingbecauseVivoccupiedadifferentplanethanIdidandtherewereoptionsavailabletoherthatwereunavailabletome.Anddidn’tthisdiscrepancymeanthatifIdescribedwhatithadbeenlikewhenNoahwasinmyoffice,orwhenI’dwatchedhimsing,orjustnowaftertherehearsalwhereVivhadbeenpresent,thatI’dneedtomakeajokeofit?AndwasIreallyreadytomakeajokeofit,ifonlytopurgemyselfofmyagitation,orwouldsomesmallpartofmebehopingthatVivwouldconfirmthatanattractionbetweenNoahandmewaspossible?NotthatwewereabouttoviolatetheDannyHorstRuleandstartdatingbutthattherecouldbeamomentoffleetingflirtation.Exceptthatiftherecould,wouldn’tVivhavepickeduponitattherehearsal?
Aloud,Isaid,“DidyourespondtoDr.Theo?”
Vivwrinkledhernose.“ThewholethingwithhowIneedtoseeadifferentdoctor—nowit’sjustanotherthingonmyto-dolist.”
“Didn’tDr.Theosayyoureyewillprobablyhealonitsown?”
Shenodded.
“Andyou’realreadythepatientofadifferentdoctorthere,right?”
Shenoddedagain.
“Thenyoudon’thavetomakeanotherappointmentnow.Youdon’thavetodoanything.AllyoudoisemailDr.Theoandsaygreat,inthefutureyou’llgobacktotheotherdoctor,andyoulookforwardtoseeinghimhereonSaturday.”
Therewerethreehundredseatsinthestudio,andforeachshow,writersgottwoticketstogiveaway,castmembersgotsix,andthehostandmusicalguestgotafewdozen.TheremainingticketsnotclaimedbyNigel’sfamousfriendsweredistributedtothepublicthrougheitheralotteryorastandbysystemofavidfans,mostlycollegestudentsortourists,willingtowaitonthesidewalkformorethantwenty-fourhours.
“You’dinvitehimtotheafter-party,right?”Isaid.
“Let’snotgetaheadofourselves.”
“Bytheway,”Isaid,“I’mtryingtogetAnnabeltobeinmyDannyHorstRulesketch.Theydidn’tbreakup.”
Vivmadeaface—shewasoneofthepeoplewhoconsideredcelebritycameostobepandering.“Yeah,HenriettatoldmeAnnabelpostedsomethingonInstasayingpeopleneedtochill.”
“Ididn’tseethat,butDannywastalkingtoherinouroffice.DoyouthinkAnnabelintentionallyfanstheflames,orshe’sjustsortofexperiencingheremotionsandtheygetoverinterpreted?”
“Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifshe’shiredarealityTVwritertoscriptherlife.”
“Areyouserious?ThatmakesmeterrifiedforDanny.”
“Maybehe’sthewriter.”
“I’mprettysuretheirrelationshipisrealtohim.”
“Ohcomeon—asifthere’sacleardistinctionbetweenrealandfakeforanyofus.Aren’tweallperformingtheroleofourselves?”Iwasstandingacouplefeetfromherarmchair,andsheextendedherrightfootandlightlytappedthetipofherathleticslideagainstmysneaker.Shesaid,“Evenyou,youbehind-the-scenespseudopurist.”
Friday,2:28p.m.
Andthen,becauseTNOwaslikeasummercampwhereyouranintoeveryoneallthetime,overandover,IsawNoahagainattherehearsalforBlabbermouth,whichwasonStage2;lessthanthreehourshadpassedsinceI’dseenhimattheCheesemongerrehearsal.Again,adozencrewmembershadgatheredaroundthestage,plusAutumnandadifferentassistant(Ithoughtthisone’snamewasnotMadisonbutAddison,andthenIthoughtthatsurelyIhadtobemakingthatup).BlabbermouthhadabiggercastthantheCheesemonger:Noahplayinghimselfasaguestjudge;Henrietta,whoplayedthesupposedlytalkativefemalejudge;castmembersnamedJayandDillon,whoplayedthemalejudges;andfourothercastmembersplayingauditioningcontestants,mostofwhomsangonlyalineortwobeforethejudgesbegandissectingtheirperformances.
Themetallicsilverjudges’tablewasinplace,thoughmanyotherpropsweremissing.Arecurringjokeofthesketchwasmockversionsoftheshow’ssponsoredbeverages—oversizedwaxcupswithlogosthatlasttimehadbeenfor“PepsiCoOstrichOvariesHibiscusIcedTea,”andthistimeweregoingtobe“ManicArmageddonMasculineCaffeinewithExtraCaffeine.”
Sometimesmyreliefandexcitementatasketchmakingitpastthetablereadwasfollowedatrehearsalbyoverwhelmingdoubtaboutitsquality—thiswaswhatIwashopingtosendoutintotheworld?—thatthenwasfollowed,asthedayspassedandthescript,set,andcostumescametogether,byrenewedconfidence.ButasBlabbermouthgotunderway,therewasalotofpromisingintrasketchgiggling,andatonepoint,InoticedevenBobO’Learylaughing.
ThenElliotarrived,andthegigglingstopped.Heoftenattendedrehearsals,andhispresenceoftendecreasedtheamountpeoplelaughed.WhetheryouthoughtthiswasbecauseeveryonewantedtoplayitcooltoimpresshimorbecausehewasabuzzkillprobablydependedonyourviewofElliot.
Aswewrappedup,afterthedirector,whosenamewasAbraham,andIhadbothgivenournotes,Elliotsaid,“It’sendingwithawhimperinsteadofabang.EitherweneedtopunchupJayandDillon’slinesormakeNoahandHenriettadosomethingmoredramatic.”
“Well—”Isaid.ThesketchendedwithNoahandHenriettadoingyoga,andtheideathatimmediatelyoccurredtomewassimultaneouslyobvious,reliable,and,becauseofNoah’spresence,slightlyembarrassingtoarticulate.Butbecauseapproximately30percentofmehaddevelopedacrushonNoahwhile120percentofmewasacomedywriter,Isaiditanyway.“Whydon’twehaveoneofthemfart?Orbothofthem,andthat’stheonetimeJayandDillonactuallylisten?”
Dillonsaid,“OrIturntoJayandamlike,‘Wait,didyouhearsomething?’Andhe’slike,‘Nope,Idon’tthinkso.’?”
“Alternatively,”Elliotsaid,“while,Sally,Ihatetodenyyouthatoldchestnut,youknowwhenkidsplaythegameAirplane?Whatifthat’swhatthey’redoing,withNoahonthegroundholdingHenriettauponhislegs.Isthatdoable,NoahandHenri?”
OneofthewaysitwasobviousthatNoahwasagoodsportwasthathedidn’thesitatebeforelyingflatonhisbackonthenotespeciallycleanstagefloor,hisgoldenhairdrapedoverTNOdustanddebris.Heliftedhislegsandarms,andHenriettaleanedoverhimsohisheelslinedupwithherhipbones,theirhandsclasped.Ashebenthisknees,hesaidtoher,“Wantmetotakeoffmyshoes?”
“Nah,”shereplied—Henriettawasalsoaverygoodsport—andthensheleanedinevenfartherandsuddenlywasaloftonhisfeet.Watchingthem,Ifeltastrangeandnotimmediatelyidentifiablefeeling,thoughIknewitwasn’tgood.
“Canwegetsomeairplanesoundeffects?”Abrahamsaid.“Ortheyjustmakethemwiththeirmouths?”
“Vroom,vroom,”Henriettasaid.“Orno,that’scars.”
“Let’stryitbothways,”IsaidtoAbraham.
Wewentthroughthesketchagain,starttofinish,andwhenwegottotheairplanepartasecondtime,Iunderstood.Iwasjealous.NotbecauseHenriettawasfamousandIwasn’t,orbecauseshewasobjectivelyprettierthanIwas.IwasjealousbecauseshegottotussleinthissillywaywithNoah,toholdhandswithhim.Iwasjealousofthephysicalcontactandtheproximity.IthoughtthenofGeneandhisdickpic.Apparently,Iwasdueforasessionwithhimafterall,tostaveoffexactlythistypeofinconvenientyearning.
AfterBob,thecameraguys,andthecontrolroomhaddecidedwhichcamerawouldcuttoNoahandHenriettaonthefloor,rehearsalwasfinished,andIthankedeveryone.“Hey,Sally,”Noahcalledandwavedmeoverfromthestage,whereElliothadjoinedhim.“Breakingnewsonthewildlifefront.TurnsoutNigelsuggestedasnakeinsteadofapanther.”
IglancedatElliot.“LikeBritneySpearsattheVMAswaybackwhen?”
“Iknowshe’snottheIndigoGirlsorDianaRoss,”Noahsaid,“butdon’tyouthinkaBritneyhomagewouldbeprettycool?”
Iblinked,tryingtodeterminehowmuchhewasjoking.CoulditbethatNoahwasoneofthoserareguyswhodidn’tessentiallydislikeormockwomen,andwhoalsodidn’tignoreourexistence,andwhoalsodidn’tseeusprimarilyasobjectsoflust?Thathewasweirdly,disarminglyfinewithus?
“Ontheonehand,yes,”Isaid.“Ontheotherhand,asnakeisevenmoreterrifyingthanapanther.”
Lookingbetweenus,Noahsaid,“Howdoanimalrightsactivistsfeelaboutsnakes?”
“Whocares?”Elliotsaid.
“Ithinkpeoplearelessprotectiveofreptilesthanmammals,”Isaid.
“Allthingsbeingequal,I’drathernotoffendanyone,”Noahsaid.
Atthesametime,Isaid,“TNOwouldn’tbeTNOifnoonewasoffended,”andElliotsaid,“Goodluckwiththat.”
AsBobapproachedElliotwithaschedulingquestion,Noahsaidtome,“Ihavesomethingelsetorunbyyou.Thefutureofcomedyhangsinthebalanceoverthis.Youready?”
“Ihopeso.”
“ThisisalsoforChoreographer.WhenIripoffmyclothestorevealmyleathershortsandvest,someoneinthemakeupdepartmentaskedifIwantmytattooscoveredwithconcealer.IsaidnobecauseI’mplayingmyself,right?ButthenIstartedoverthinkingitandIwaslike,butI’mplayingmyselfbackintheyear2000,whenIdidn’thaveanytattoosyet.Soistheansweryesorno?”BeforeIcouldrespond,hesaid,“Iknowthisistrivial,butIgotworriedaboutbreakingsomecomedyrulethatIdon’tevenknowexists.”
“Ifthere’sarule,Idon’tknowit,either,”Isaid.“Butwhatkindoftattoosarewetalkingabout?Doyouhaveagiganticdragonacrossyourchestorsomething?”
Hesmiled.“Notyet,althoughthenightisyoung.No,Ihavethreeandthey’reallrun-of-the-mill.”
Oh,yes,Ithought.TheCelticsymbolIreadaboutin“KissingandTellingwithNoahBrewster.”Aloud,Isaid,“Wherearethey?”Wewerestandingaboutthreefeetapart,withBobandElliotstillnearby,andIprobablysoundedlessrelaxedthanIintendedtoasIsaid,“Doyouwanttojustshowme?”
“Thisone,forstarters.”Noahheldouthisleftarm,pushingupthelongsleeveofhisT-shirt,andontheinsideofhisforearm,Isawanimageofmusicnotesonastaff.“Notcheesyatall,right?”hesaid.
“Isthatfromoneofyoursongs?”
Heshookhishead.“It’s‘Blackbird.’Kindofatouchstonesongforme.”
“Idon’tthinkanyonegetspointsdeductedfor‘Blackbird.’AndIbetthatwouldbeprettysubtleoncamera.”Thetattoowasafewinchesinsize,butthetrulysalientfactabouthisforearmwasthatitwasperfect.Boththeskinandthebarelyvisiblehairontheothersideofhisarmweregolden,anditwasmuscularbutnottoomuscular,notsteroidallymuscular.Icouldacceptthatmylotinlifewasnevertogettotouchanarmlikethat,butitwastorturoustobesoclosetohim.
“Thenthere’sthisone,”hesaid,andhewasturningawayfrommeandpullinguphisjeansontherightside,fromtheankle.Therewasacrowonthebackofhiscalf,anditwasmuchbiggerandblockierthanthemusicalnotes.
“Lesssubtle,”Isaid.“Butlikelyoffcamera.”
“Thelastoneisonmyshoulderblade.”Heglancedbackatme.“Isthatokaytoshowyou?Idon’twanttobetheguywhofindspretextualreasonstostarttakingoffhisclothes.IpromisethatIreallydowanttoknowwhatyouthinkaboutthis.”
Againfeigningrelaxation,Isaid,“Wardrobechangesduringtheshowaresorushedthattheyhappeninplainsight.SonotonlyhaveIseeneverycastmemberineverystateofundress,buttheaudienceshaveseenthem,too.”
“Inthatcase,”hesaid,andhecrossedhisarmsandpulledhisT-shirtupintheback,notoverhishead,butsothatitwasrestingonhisshoulders.TherewasindeedaCelticknotofinterlockingblacklinesandcircles,andthistattoowasthebiggestofall.Weremyco-workersawareofthisdisplay?Ididn’tdarelookaroundandbreakthespell.Bythispoint,therewasevenlessthanafootbetweenus,andtheskinonNoah’sbackwasalsopainfully,gloriouslygolden,andalsotherewassomethingoddlydomesticaboutthemoment,asifwewereboyfriendandgirlfriend,standinginthebathroomintheapartmentweshared,andhe’daskedmetolookataredmarkonhisbackbecausehewonderedifitwasatickbite,andalsoIwonderedforthefirsttimeifthiswaspretextual.Ifhe’dbewearingavest,presumablyitwouldcoverhisback.
Yetbecauseitseemedlikeaonce-in-a-lifetimeopportunity,whilestillstandingbehindhim,Ireachedoutandpressedafingertipagainstthetattoo.“Youmeanthis?”Isaid.
Ofcoursehemeantthis.
“Yeah,”hesaid.
NeverhadIwantedsobadlytojustsmashmyselfagainstanotherperson,totearoffanotherperson’sclothes.Andwasn’thecomplicit,hadn’thegottenabout13percentofthewaytonaked?OrwasIdelusionalandwasheaccustomed,ascastmemberswere,tohavinghisbodyexposedandhandled?Myfingertipwasstilltouchinghistattoo.Iswallowed,unbendingmyotherfingers,andpressedtherestofthemtohisperfectskin.Calmly,Isaid,“Iwouldn’tworryaboutthisone,either.”AsIpulledmyhandaway,Iadded,“AlthoughIdolikethewordpretextual.Imighthavetostartusingit.”
Heyankeddownhisshirtandwhenheturnedaroundsowewerefacingeachother,hesaid,“Helpyourself.Mydad’salawyer,andIlearneditfromhim.Ihopeyoudidn’tjustloseallrespectformebecauseofthebasicnessofmytattoos.Igotthemwithinacoupleyearsofeachother,quiteawhileago.”
“IthinkIknowsomethingthatwillreassureyou.”Iwaswearinganunzippedfleecejacket,whichIshruggedoff,thenIliftedtherightshortsleeveofmyT-shirtandangledmyarmtowardhim,elbowout.
Peeringatmybicep,hesaid,“Isthata…mouse?”
“Infourthgrade,myclasshadahamsternamedBarnabywhoIlovedsomuchthatItoldmymomIwantedatattooofhim.ShesaidifIpromisedtowaituntilIwastwenty-one,ifIstillwantedit,she’dgetonewithme.Obviously,bythetimeIwastwenty-one,theonlyreasonIstillwantedahamstertattoowastoholdmymomtoherendofthebargain.”
JustasIhad,hereachedouthisfingers—they,too,wereperfect,longandslimandstraight—andwhentheybrushedagainstmyskin,IthoughtthatifIcouldliveinsidethismomentforever,Iwould.Buthewithdrewthemquickly.Hesaid,“Itakeitthat’swhyitsaysMom.”
“HerssaidSally,buttheamazingpartisthatwedidn’tcoordinateit.Wediditseparately,indifferentrooms,tosurpriseeachother.Andwhenwerealizedwhatwe’ddone—”Ipaused.Thishadbeenfifteenyearsbefore,ataplaceindowntownKansasCity,andafterwardwe’dgottenenchiladasforlunch.Becausemymotherhadn’tbeenanostentatiousorperformativeperson,ithadtakenmealongtime,untilcollegereally,torealizehowsmartandfunnyshewas,andhowgenerouslycompassionate.WheneverIdescribedembarrassingthingsI’ddone,she’dsay,“Oh,Icanimaginedoingthat,”or“Ithinkmosteveryonefeelsthatway.”
ToNoah,Isaid,“Whenwerealizedthatshe’dgottenherhamstertosaySallyandI’dgottenminetosayMom,Istartedlaughingandshestartedcrying.Andshewasn’toneofthosemomswhocryallthetime.Butnow,Iunderstandwhyshedid.”
Noah’sexpressionhadturnedseriousashesaid,“Yourmom—isshe—?”
Iknewwhathewasasking.“Shepassedawayin2015.”
“I’msorry.”
“Thankyou.”Ipulledmyfleecejacketbackovermyshoulders.“Wheneveritwasthatyougotyourtattoos,Idon’tthinkyouneedtocoverthemup.It’snotlikepeoplefact-checksketches.Andthere’llbeenoughgoingonthatyoumightaswellsimplifywhereyoucan.”
Friday,4:39p.m.
Thecarwas,apparently,parkedinfrontofthemainentranceto66onWest50thStreet—inotherwords,notinaparkingspace,meaningGodonlyknewwhatstringsAnnabel’spublicistshadpulledtoavoiditsbeingtowedimmediately.AftersummoningDannydownfromtheseventeenthfloor,Annabel,who’dbeensittingonthehood,leaptoffitinordertopassionatelykisshim,asthepaparazzi,ofwhomthereweremorethanadozen,clickedawaywiththeircamerasandshoutedquestionsaboutthepriceofthecarandthedateofthewedding.ThecaritselfwasasilverMercedes-AMGG65,acollectionoflettersandnumbersthatmeantnothingtome,thoughHenriettareportedthattheInternetsaidthatithadcost$220,000.Ihappenedtoknow,thoughIwasn’tsureifeitherAnnabelorthegeneralpublicdid,thatDannydidn’thaveadriver’slicense.
I’dwitnessednoneofthespectaclefirsthandbecauseI’dbeeninrehearsalforBlabbermouth,tryingtobehavenormallyaroundNoah.ButwhenIranintoDannybackinouroffice,hewastheonewhoshowedmethepicturesfromAnnabel’sInstagramaccount,whichfeaturedthemwiththeirlipslockedintheforegroundandthecarinthebackground.ThesephotoshadbeentakennotbyapaparazzobutbyaphotographeronAnnabel’spayrollpresentatalmostallofherpublicevents.AcrossthefirstphotowasthesentenceIheartmybb,andDanny’sresponseinthecommentsbelowwasloveumymoongirl
Isaid,“TheweirdpartisIheardyouandAnnabelhadbrokenupyesterday.”DannyandIweresittingsidebysideonthecouch,andthoughhe’ddeniedhavingjustburped,theairwasfilledwiththesmellofahalf-digestedReuben.
“No,wedidbreakup.”Histonewasequanimous.“Butonlyforhalfanhour.”
“Haveyoubrokenupothertimes?”
“Abunch.”
“Hasitbeenstressful?”
“Iwouldn’tchooseit.”
“IsAnnabelalwaystheonewhoinitiatesthebreakups?”
“Yeah,butshe’salsotheonewhoreachesouttogetbacktogether.Shegetsjealous,whichiscrazybecauseit’snotlikeIcouldeverdobetterthanher.OnceItoldherwhensheworeherhairallpushedtotheside,shelookedlikeBethanyBrick,andshefreakedout.”
“Who’sBethanyBrick?”
“Thatwasherquestion,too.Tellmeyoudon’twatchpornwithouttellingmeyoudon’twatchporn.”
“Ifinditnarrativelyunsatisfying,”Isaid.
“Yeah,Ithinkyoumightbemissingthepoint.Anyway,anothertimeItoldherIdon’treallygetjealous,anditwaslikeshegotjealousaboutmenotgettingjealous.AllImeantwasthatIknowshe’soutofmyleague.I’vealreadyexceededmywildestdreams.”Webothwerequiet,andhesaid,“Thismustallsoundsostupid.”
“No,no,”Isaidquickly.“ThesketchaboutTheDannyHorstRule—that’smebeingpissedaboutthedoublestandardsofheterosexuality.It’snotacommentonyourspecificrelationshipwithAnnabel.”
“ButallmeandBelly’supsanddowns—theyprobablyseemrealjuveniletoyou.”
“HaveIevertoldyouIwasmarriedinmyearlytwenties?”
“Seriously?Damn,Chuckles!”
“Ididn’tthinkthisatthetime,butboththemarriageandthedivorcewerebloodless.Myex-husbandandIweretheoppositeofyouandAnnabel.Wewereverycalmandrestrained,andlookwherethatgotus—Ihaven’tspokentohimforalmosttenyears.Andit’snotlikeI’vefiguredoutmuchsincethen.Ihavenoideawhatmakesanycouplestaytogetherorbreakup,sowhoamItojudge?”
“Whatothersecretsfromyourpasthaveyounevermentioned?DidyoushootamaninRenojusttowatchhimdie?”
“Ithinkyouhavetotrustyourowninstincts,”Isaid.
“I’vebeenmeaningtoaskifyou’llbemygroomswoman.That’sagroomsmanwithavagina.”
“What,toevenoutthenumberswithAnnabel’sbridesmaids?”
“Partly,butIalsoreallywantyouthere.”
Iturnedmyheadtowardhimandsmiled.“Thensure.I’mhonored.”
Wewerequietagain,anditwasanagreeablequiet,beforeIsaid,“IneedaridetoPoughkeepsie,butIcan’tremember—doyouhaveacar?”
Dannylaughed.“Fuckyou,Chuckles,”hesaidwarmly.
Friday,5:07p.m.
“Ididexactlywhatyousaid,”Vivsaid.“Iemailedhimlike,‘I’mofficiallynotyourpatient,yournamewillbeontheVIPlist,seeyoutomorrow.’?”Wewereinherdressingroom,beforeshewentforthefittingforherSisterColleennun’scostume.
“Didyouhearback?”Iasked.
“Hemadeajokeabouthowhe’llneedtotakeanaponSaturdayafternoontostayupsolate,which—”Shecurledherupperlipandflaredhernostrils.“YouknowhowIsaidhelooksmiddle-agedanddorkyinthatwebsitepicturebuthewasreallyhotinperson?Maybehelooksmiddle-agedanddorkybecauseheismiddle-agedanddorky.Healsosaidhe’dbeherewithbellson.”
“Iactuallythinkthat’ssweet,”Isaid.“Openyourheart.”
Vivrolledhereyes.“Saysthewomanwho’sbasicallydatingadisembodiedpenis.”
Friday,8:07p.m.
“Sally,wakeup,”afemalevoicesaid.“Canyouhearme?WakeupbecauseIhaveanamazingpieceofgossip!”Whilewaitingformysketches’setstoarriveatthestudiofromthewarehouse,I’dlaindownforacatnapinmyoffice,andwhenIopenedmyeyes,Henriettawaskneelingbesideme.Inatoneoftrueglee,shesaid,“NoahBrewsterwearsawig!”
Iwasonmyback,andIproppedmyselfuponmyelbows.“Wait,what?”
“Hisbeautifulblondlocksarefake!Ihavetosaythatthequalityisimpressive.Doyouthinkhe’sbeenwearingawigsincehefirstgotfamousorhishairstartedthinningashegotolder?”
Isatup,reachedformywaterbottleonthewindowsill,tookasip,andsaid,“Howdoyouknow?”
“TerrancewasjustfiguringoutmyhairfortheCheesemonger,andGloriapulledhimoverforthishusheddiscussion,butIpiecedittogether.ItsoundslikeNoahdidn’tsayanythingaboutittoGloria,andit’sanissuebecauseinatleasttwosketches,he’ssupposedtowearawig.Sohe’llbewearinghiswig,thenawigcap,thenasecondwig.”Sheclappedherhands.“It’llbeawigsandwich!”
“Whatdoeshisrealhairlooklike?”
Henriettasatbackonherheelsandshrugged.“Iassumesparse.”
WasitweirdthatthisknowledgemademefeelprotectiveofNoah?Itmadehimseemvainandinsecureinwaysthatwereunderstandableratherthanlaughable.“Iactuallywouldn’tmentionittoanyoneelse,”Isaid.“Itcouldbedistracting.”
“Really?”WhatshesaidnextmademerecalltellingNoahthatIwasn’tanassholeandthentellinghimthatIwas.“BecauseIwassureyou’dgetakickoutofit.”
Saturday,1:55p.m.
Atfirst,IassumedthatAnnabelwasmerelylate.Therun-throughwasboththefirsttimeanyoneatTNOexperiencedtheweek’sshowasacoherentwhole,albeitwithoutmakeuporsomefinalcostumesandspecialeffects,andalsothelastrehearsalbeforethedressrehearsal.Dresswouldoccurat8p.m.infrontofanaudiencewhowouldthenbeswitchedoutforadifferentaudienceforthe11:30p.m.liveshow.
AsthecoldopenstartedonHomeBase,withOliverplayingComey,Ihurriedfromthecuecardsroom,whereI’dbeencheckingchanges,toStage1,wheretheCheesemongerwasfourthinthelineup.Inthehall,IpassedDannyinhispoliceofficercostumeandsaid,“Hey,isAnnabelinyourdressingroom?”
“HerteamwasgonnacheckinwithAutumnwhentheygothere.”
AsIenteredthestudio,Ilookedaroundanddidn’tseeAutumn;itwaslikelyshewasinthenarrowspacebehindHomeBasewithNoah,waitingwithhimbeforehewentonforhismonologue.Istartedtotexther,realizedIdidn’thavehernumber,andopenedanemail.ItypedAutumn’saddressandonesentenceinthesubjectline—IneedAnnabelonStage3for5slot—andhitSend.ThenIaskedaproductionassistanttofindoutwhereAnnabelwas,andhebrisklywalkedaway.Thecoldopenseguedintothehousebandplayingthesax-heavythemesongoverwhatwouldatdressandlivebetheannouncer,whosenamewasRusty,recitingtheopeningcredits.ButRustydidn’tappearuntildress,anditwastheassistantdirectorPenelopeexclaiming,“Andyourhost,NoahBrewster.Ladiesandgentlemen,NoahBrewster!”Noahwalkedoutthedoorontothestageinatuxedoandfist-pumpedintimetothehouseband’sintroductorycrescendo,andItriednottonotice,yetagain,howoutrageouslyhandsomehewas.ThenIthought,Wait,really,that’sawig?
Ashebeganhismonologuebysaying,“I’mcompletelythrilledtobehostingTNOtonight,”Iscrutinizedhishairlineandtheblondlayersthatframedhisface,thechunkstuckedbehindhisears.Truly,I’dneverhaveknown.IwonderedifHenriettacouldhavemisunderstood,butitseemedunlikely.AndthenElliotappearedonstage,andIthought,Elliot?Whatthehell?Likeme,Elliotwasn’toncamerafromoneyeartothenext;inhisbones,he,too,wasawriterasopposedtoaperformer.ButitturnedoutthepremiseofthemonologuewasthatTNO’sheadwriterthoughtNoahwastheretobethemusicalguestandnotthehost,andNoahwastryingtoexplainthathewasboth.Iwasn’tsurewhyNigelwasn’ttheonefillingElliot’srole.HadNoahandElliotdevelopedsomefriendshipinthelastweekthatneededtobeconspicuouslycelebrated?
AfterNoah’smonologue,aroughcutofthewhitewomen’srecipesdigitalshortairedonthemanymonitorshangingthroughoutthestudio,thenitwastimefortheCheesemongersketchonStage1,whichwouldbefolloweddirectlybytheDannyHorstRulesketchonStage3.AstheCheesemongerstarted,Istoodjustoffset,holdingmyscriptopenagainstmyleftforearmandgrippingapencilinmyrighthand.IusedmylefthandtoquicklycheckmyemailandseeifAutumnhadresponded;shehadn’t.
Therun-throughwasmorerelaxedthanthedressrehearsalinthesensethattherewerepausesanddo-overs—somesketcheshappenedtwiceinarow—andIcouldstillmakechangesbasedonmyownjudgment.Forthedressrehearsal,eachwriterwatchedtheirsketchwithNigelinalittlespacesetupforhimunderthebalconyseats,akindofcaveinwhichhesatinadirector’schairdrinkingrosé,hiseyestrainedonthefeedonamonitorsothathesawthesketchesasviewersathomewould.Alsopresent,watchingwithNigel,wouldbeoneortwoofhisassistants,acoupleseniorproducers,Autumn,andsometimesoneofNigel’sveryclosestcelebrityfriends(hislessclosecelebrityfriendswereinvitedtowatchtheliveshowfromhisstudiooffice).ThismeantthatthesewerethepeoplewhooverheardNigelgivefeedbacktothewriter,whichmeanttheseptuagenarianrockerfromoneoftheworld’smostfamousbandshadoncebeenprivytoNigelmatter-of-factlysayingtome,“WhenVivtellsHenriettatotreatheryeastinfectionwithagarlicclove,ItakeitVivmeansinsertingitvaginally,butthecurrentlanguageisunclear.”Beforedress,IalwaysappliedthedeodorantIkeptinmydesktoiletriesbagbecauseIneversweatedmorethanwhenwatchingoneofmyownsketcheswithNigel.
Attherun-throughfortheCheesemonger,asinthepreviousrehearsal,Noahthrewhimselfintotherole,andagreenscreenbehindhimmadetheimageonthemonitorsshowratsfestivelyrunningaroundintheshop.ButevenashisduetwithHenriettalandedperfectly,IkeptturningaroundandscanningthestudioforAnnabel.Thesketchfinished,andBobO’Leary,who’dbeenwatchingfromafewfeetaway,saidtome,“Anynotesorarewegoodtogo?”
Ilookedatthecastmembersandsaid,“WesandViv,canyoustandclosertoBailey?You’realltoofarapart.Otherwise,doitexactlylikethatatdressandair.”IglancedbackatBob.“ButAnnabelLilyissupposedtobeinthenextsketch,andI’mnotevensureshe’shereyet.”
Bobsaidintohisheadset,“CananyonetellmeifAnnabelLilyisinthestudio?LookingforAnnabelLilyforTheDannyHorstRuleonStage3.”Hisvoicewasaudibleviaspeakersthroughoutthestudio,including,Iknew,inthedressingrooms.
NoahwasliterallybeingledawaybythehandbyamemberofthewardrobedepartmentnamedPeggywhoalwaysescortedthehostduringperformances.Hewordlesslyheldouthisfreerighthandforafistbump,andIbroughtmineuptohis.GivenhowoverwroughtIwasabouthim,Imighthaveexpectedsparkstoflyatthepointofcontact;theydidnot,andthenhewasgone,offtowhereverPeggywastakinghimnext.
AsBobandIwalkedtowardStage3,Icouldtellwhenhegotaresponseonhisheadset,thoughIcouldn’thearit.Heturnedtomeandsaid,“Annabel’snothere.HowaboutifLynetteorBiancastandsinforher?”
Whataflake,Ithought,andsaid,“Bianca.”Biancawasafirst-yearcastmemberinherearlytwenties,meaningAnnabel’sageorevenyounger.
Bobsaidintohisheadset,“SallysaysBianca.Youknowwheresheis?”Afterapause,hesaid,“Great,sendherout.”
AndthenTheDannyHorstRulestarted:GregorandVivontheirdateattherestaurant,smilingandlaughing,Joshinhiscopuniformappearingtoarrestthem.MypreoccupationwithAnnabel’sabsencemadeithardtoevaluatehowitwasgoing,especiallywhenDannyentered.Aboutthirtysecondslater,BiancawalkedonwearingCrocs,jeans,andablackcroptopandannouncedthatshewasSusanB.Anthony,readingthecuecardssosmoothlythatIdoubtedanoutsiderwouldknowshe’dbeeninformedofherparticipationinthisroleinthelastfiveminutes.Whenthesketchended,Isaid,“Thankssomuchforpinch-hitting,Bianca.”ImadequickeyecontactwithDanny.“Thatwassolidoverall,”Icontinued,“although,Josh,youcameinalittlelate.Don’twaitforVivandGregortogetthroughtheirlines.Justchargeinandinterruptthem.”
“Gotit,”Joshsaid.
“Youwanttoseeitagain?”Bobaskedme.
WasitmyimaginationorwasaweirdenergycomingoffDanny?“Ithinkwe’regood,”Isaid.
Aseveryonedispersed,Biancaapproachedme.“Ijustwanttotellyou,”shesaid,“thissketchisareallyimportantstatement.It’sfunny,butit’salso,like,whatthefuck?Becausetheruleisarealthinghere.I’mgladyou’recallingitout,andI’mgladthatnowIgettobepartofit.”
“Oh—”Ipaused.“Thankyou.ButI’msorry,theplanisstillforAnnabeltobeinthesketchfordressandair.Ithinkshe’sjustrunninglate.”
AlmostasquicklyasBianca’sfacefell,shecomposeditagain.“Yeah,ofcourse,”shesaid.“No,thatmakessense.”
“Ireallyappreciateyoufillingin,andI’dlovetoworkwithyouonsomethingelsesoon—”
“Yeah,yeah,”Biancasaidquickly.“Yeah,same.”Shedartedaway.
Asthenextsketchstarted—itwasonHomeBaseandwastheonewhereVivwasanunandHakeemwasapriest—IcheckedmyemailagainandsawthatAutumnhadreplied.Heremailread:Annabelisnothere
Youdon’tsay,Ithought.Iwalkedtothebathroom—mynextsketch,Blabbermouth,wasn’tuntiltheelevenslot—andIfelttheawkwardnessofthemisunderstandingwithBiancaclingingtomeasIpeedandwashedmyhands.I’dneverbeenacastmember,butithadoncebeenmyfirstyearatTNO,andIrememberedhowithadseemedasifwhetherornotIgotabreakwasdeterminednotbyanythingIdidbutbywhatother,moreseniorpeopleallowed.
WhenIreenteredthestudio,Noahwasperforminghisfirstsong,whichwastheonethatheeitherhadorhadn’tbeenserenadingmewith.Becauseofthelighting,Iknewhecouldn’tseebeyondthefirstcouplerowsofchairs,nowarrangedintoorderlylines.Istoodbehindthefloorseatswithmyarmsfolded,andasIIistenedtohimsingandwatchedhimplayguitar,IfelttherespectIoftenfeltatTNOforpeoplewhonotonlyknewhowtodothingsIcouldn’tbutwhoweresogoodatthosethingsthattheymadethemlookeasy.
AfterNoah’sfirstsong,IstayedwhereIwasstandingforNewsDesk,withDannydeadpaninhiscoatandtie.Ashewalkedontothesettotakehisseatbehindthedesk,thepalepinkjoggersheworeonthebottomhalfofhisbodyinsteadofsuitpantswerevisible.IwonderedwhatAnnabel’sexcusewas—perhapsheraromatherapymassagehadrunover,ormaybeshewashavingaplasmafacial.Notunusually,Dannybarelycrackedasmileashedeliveredhislines.
ThencameNoah’sChoreographysketch,whichwasfunandsilly,andwhichconcludedwithNoahtearingawayhisshirtandpantstorevealtheblackleathershortsandmidriff-exposingleathervest,meaningthatwhatwasreallybeingrevealedwerehissix-packabsandtonedarmsandlegs;hisforearmtattoowasbarelynoticeable.Asifthesightofhisgoldenbodywasn’tsufficientlystimulating,duringwhatwouldbeacameracutaway,apropguyplacedalonggreensnakearoundNoah’sneckandshoulders.Ittookmeafewsecondstorealizethesnakewasrubber.NoahgrippedbothendsofitandwiggledhishipsinafauxsensualwaythatIdidn’tfindasridiculousasIknewIwassupposedto,ormaybeitwasbecausehewasn’tafraidofbeingridiculousthathewassoattractive.
ThenitwastimeforBlabbermouth,andthoughNoahandHenriettawerehigh-spiritedastheirsillinessculminatedintheairplanebit,Ifeltadeep,uneasyknowledgethatthesketchwasn’tquitegoodenough;itwasn’tmakingapointthatearlieriterationsofBlabbermouthhadn’tmadebetter.IalsoknewthatIwasn’tgoingtostartwildlyrevisingthisclosetodressandair.Somewriterskeptmakingchangesforaslongastheycould,butIbelievedapointarrivedwhenpotentialgainsinqualitycameattheexpenseofthecast’sfamiliarityandcomfortwiththescript.
AfterBlabbermouthwasCatchphrase’shorriblesketch,duringwhichIhadtheunpleasantexperienceofrealizingCatchphrasecouldsimultaneouslyunicycleandjuggle,whichimpressedmeinspiteofmyself;thenNoah’ssecondmusicalact,thesongcalled“InboxZero”;thentheBathroomCabinetsketch,whichseemedtometobeabout75percentofwhereitneededtobewriting-wise;thentheThreeTenors.ThenNoahreappearedonHomeBaseandsaid,“Thankyouforcomingtothisrehearsalthatwasperfectlysmoothinallways.”Overthespeakers,IheardtheassistantdirectorPenelopesay,“Andthat’sawrapontherun-through,folks.”
Bob,Nigel,Autumn,Penelope,andElliotconvergedonthefloorinfrontofHomeBase,andNoahhoppedoffstageandbeganspeakingwiththem.ItriedtodiscreetlyapproachAutumnfromtheback,touchingherelbow.Whensheturned,Imurmured,“Annabelisstillcomingfordressandair,right?”
Autumnfrownedandshookherhead.Theotherpeopleintheconversationallhadgonequietandwerelookingatme.
Isaid,“I’mjusttryingtofigureoutwhat’sgoingonwithAnnabelLily.”
“Annabel’snotcomingtoday,”Autumnsaid.“Period.”
“Whynot?”Iasked.
“Becausesomethingcameupforher.”
“Icanreachouttoher,”Noahsaid.
“OrDannycan,”Isaid,justasBobsaid,“Noah,you’llhaveyourhandsquitefullbetweennowandair.”
“It’snobigdeal,”Noahsaid.“Ikindofknowher.”
Inamuchwarmervoicethantheonesheusedtoaddressme,Autumnsaid,“That’saboveandbeyondofyoutooffer,butguesswhat?It’stimeforyoutomeetyoursnake.”Sheglancedamongtheothersandsaid,“ThehandlerrecommendsthatNoahandthesnakehaveone-on-onetimetogetusedtoeachother.”
MyeyesmetNoah’s,andIsaid,“Wait,youareusingarealone?”
Hegrinned.“I’vebeenreassuredit’snon-venomous.”
ElliotpattedNoahonthebackandsaid,“It’sgonnabeawesome,man.”
Bobsaid,“Inthelastthirty-sevenyears,we’veonlylost,what,Nigel?Threehosts?Four?”
Dryly,Nigelsaid,“Nomorethanthat.”Thenhelookedatmeandsaid,“Astrongshowforyoutonight,Sally.”
Saturday,6:01p.m.
IwasbackinthecuecardsroomwhenmyphonebuzzedwithatextfromHenrietta:OMGAnnabelandDannyhavebrokenupforreal?!?!!!IsDannyokay?
“Oh,shit,”Isaidaloudandturnedtothenearestcuecardguy.“I’llberightback.”
IhurriedtoDanny’sdressingroomandknockedonthedoorseveraltimes.Therewasnoanswer,but,whenIturnedtheknob,IsawDannylyingfacedownonhisbrowncorduroyloveseat.Theroomwasaboutsixbyeightfeet,awindowlessboxwithaFormicacounterunderthemirroredwall,andDannyhaddonelittletopersonalizethespaceotherthaninstallingtheloveseat.Hislegshungoffit,andhestillhadonhisblazerfromNewsDesk.
“Danny,it’sme,”Isaid.
Whenheturnedhishead,hisfacewasredandtearstreaked.“Iguessyouheard,”hesaid.
AfterI’dperchedontheedgeoftheloveseat—hewastakingupsomuchofitthatmyrightthighwassqueezedagainsthislefthip—Icouldsmellhim.Butitwasascentthatwasrecognizableandhumanandnotdisgusting;therecognitionofitfeltfamilial.
“I’mreallysorry,”Isaid.“Althoughdoyouthinkit’soverover?Givenyourhistory—”
“Rememberonelectionnight,whenitwaslike,theworstcouldhappen?Andthenallofasudden,itwaslike,OhmyfuckingGod,it’shappening.Andthenithadhappened.”Hesniffed.“Herpublicistcalledmypublicist,andBellyalreadyputoutastatement,whichI’msurethepublicistwrotebecauseit’sphonybullshitwording.”Hegrinneddarkly.“Thensheblockedmeonallhersocials.”
Itseemed,amongotherthings,eitherstunninglyinsensitiveordeliberatelycrueltobehavethiswayhoursbeforeDannywasscheduledtoperformliveonnationalTV.AnditwouldhavebeenalietosaythatIdidn’tonceagainwonderaboutthefateofmyDannyHorstRulesketch,butthistimeitwasn’tthemainthingIwasthinkingabout.ThemainthingIwasthinkingwasthatDannyhaddodgedabullet.
“Didsomethingspecifichappen?”Iasked.
Herolledontohisside,hisbackagainstthecorduroycushions.“Iwasatherapartmentthismorning,right?We’rechillinginthekitchen,we’remakingsmoothies,andshehasthissuperpowerful,top-of-the-lineblender.We’retalkingabouthowithasaten-yearwarranty,andIstartmakingdumbjokeslike,bythetimethewarrantyexpires,allcarswillbeself-driving,allmeatwillbegrowninlabs,andwe’llprobablybedivorcedbutwewon’tevencarebecausewe’llbothbebangingrobots.”
Hewasquiet,andIsaid,“Istheremore?”
“Forreal,Iwasbarelyevenawake.Iwasjusttalkingshit.Butsheflippedout.”
“Didsheunderstandyouwerekidding?”
“ShesaidI’veneverbeenseriousaboutherbecauseI’mincapableofbeingserious.”Heshrugged.“Icomebackherethinking,Okay,thatsucked,butwe’vebeenthroughitbefore.She’llshowuphereandwe’llhavemake-upsex”—itwasnot,Itoldmyself,themomenttoponderwhichemissionsthiscouchhadabsorbed—“andinsteadshewentscorchedearth.”
“Iknowthisiseasyformetosay,butwhatifyouignoresocialmedia,getsomesleepaftertheshow,andgoseeherinpersontomorrow?”
“She’salittlecrazy,”hesaid.“Butwhenshe’snotbeingcrazy,she’sthesweetest,mostcaringpersonI’veeverknown.Shehasthishugebedwithamillionpillowsandabigdowncomforterlikeinthefanciesthotel,andwejustlayonit,lookingintoeachother’seyes.Ididn’tknowpeopledidthatgazingshitoutsideofmoviesuntilImether.”
“Thatsoundsnice,”Isaid.
Neitherofusspokeforafewseconds,andDanny’sstomachgrumbled.
“Whendidyoulasteat?”Iasked.
“Goodquestion.”
“Let’shaveapagegogetyouasandwich.Whataboutsomethingplain,liketurkeyandcheese?Youshouldhavesomeprotein.”ButwhenIstood,heheldoutanarmtostopme.
“Youknowwhenyou’rereallyvibingwithanotherperson?”hesaid.“Likeforoncethelonelinesslifts,andyoufullygeteachother—doyouthinkthat’sallbullshit?”
Itookadeepbreathandsaid,“Idon’tthinkit’sbullshit.Ithinkit’srare,butreal.”
Saturday,6:27p.m.
ItoldthetwoassistantsatdesksinfrontofNigel’sofficethatIurgentlyneededtoseehim,andonestood,enteredhisoffice,thenreemergedandmotionedformetocomein.Inside,standingaroundthecorkboard,wereElliot,BobO’Leary,andtwootherproducers.Nigelhimselfwasbehindhisdeskdrinkingfromatall,clearglass,andwhenhesetitdown,hesaid,“Sally,neverunderestimatethevalueofwater.”
“WeneedtocutTheDannyHorstRule,”Iblurtedout.BecauseIhadn’tdonethisbefore,Iwasn’tsureifthepronounshouldhavebeenweasinweneedtooryouasinyouneedto.“DannyandAnnabeljusthadabigpublicbreakup,andshe’sputtingstuffonsocialmedia,andit’sverymessy.”
Inacalmtone,Bobsaid,“Annabelishardlyessentialinthesketch.Biancawasfine.”
“WeneedtocutitforDanny’ssake,”Isaid.“He’sreallyupset.”
“Danny’sapro,”Elliotsaid.“He’llbeokay.Plus,don’ttheybreakupalot?”
“Itseemsdifferentthistime.”
“Mightthesketchbecathartic?”Nigelasked.
Lookingamongtheirfaceswasdisorienting;tryingtogetthemtocutoneofmysketches,afternineyearsofdoingtheopposite,wasdisorienting.PerhapsIwaswrongandtheywereright?BothforDanny’swell-beingandsothatIcouldhaveahattrick,Iwantedthemtobe.
“Itwouldn’tbecathartic,”Isaid.“Itwouldbekickinghimwhenhe’sdown.”
“Shouldwekeepitindressandseehowitgoes?”Bobasked.
“Orseeifthey’vegottenbacktogetherinanhour,”Elliotsaid.
“WeneedtoputDannyoutofhismiserynow,”Isaid.
“Eitherway,he’sstillonNewsDesk,”Elliotsaid.
“That’snotabouthim,”Isaid.
“You’recertainofthis?”Nigelsaid.
Naturally,inthismoment,Iwasn’t.“Yes,”Isaid.“I’mcertain.”
NigelturnedtoBobandsaid,“Let’sputMedicineCabinetbackin.”
ElliotandImadeeyecontactand—notjudgmentallybutmoremusingly—hesaid,“IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dthinkyou’dlostyouredge.”
Saturday,6:35p.m.
Boththehost’sdressingroomandthemusicalguest’sdressingroomwereonthesamecorridor,andtheirdoorshadbeenclosedonmywaytoNigel’soffice.AsIreturnedtothestudio,thehost’swasopenandfilledwithpeople.Iheardsomeonesay,“Hey,Sally!”andNoahappeared,gesturingformetocomein.Behindhim,standingorsittingonthesurprisinglycrappyfurnitureinthesurprisinglyunfancyspace,wereAutumn,MadisonandAddison,onewhitemanwithawell-tendedgoatee,oneBlackmanwithawell-tendedgoatee,aspiky-hairedwomaninoveralls,ablond-hairedwomanwholookedlikeasuburbanmom,andawhiteguyinasuitandtie.Iassumedtheonesthatweren’tAutumn,Madison,andAddisonwerehisagent,manager,andothermembersofhisbusinessteam.
Noahwaswearingatuxedoandalsoalayerofmakeup,and—perhapsbecauseIwasusedtoseeingbothmenandwomeninfoundation,bronzer,andblush—Ithoughthelookedradiantlyhandsome.Ifhereallydidwearawig,itwasexceptional.
“Hey,”Isaid.“Howdidbondingwiththesnakego?”
“We’relikethisnow.”Heheldupcrossedfingers.“Honestly,itwasn’tbad.Ithoughtitwouldbecoldbecauseofcold-blooded,butitwaswarm.OrIshouldsayher,notit.HernameisEleanor.”
“Forreal?”
Henodded.“Iwantedtotellyou—ItextedAnnabel,anditsoundslikesheandDannybrokeup.”
“Theydid,”Isaid.“Andthesketchwascut.”
“Oh,I’msorry.”
“Ithappens.Imean,thanksfortrying.Howareyoufeeling?”
Hemadeaself-mockinglyanxiousexpression.“Maybenotonehundredpercentcalm?”
“Ithinkyou’regoingtobegreatandhaveagreatshow,”Isaid.“Truly.”Itwascommonforhoststobepalpablynervousastheliveshowapproached—andsomeweresonervousallalongthattheywerevomitingandshakingfortheentireweek—butIpersonallyhadneverofferedreassurancetoanyofthem.Ihad,however,oncerandomlyfoundmyselfinahallhuggingthepanickingmalebackupdancerofafemalerapper,abald,extraordinarilymuscularmanwearingatighttanktopandshortdenimshorts.ToNoah,Iadded,“Thisweek’sshowisactuallyinmuchbettershapethanalotofthemareatthispoint.”
“Yeah?”Noahsaid.Then,simultaneously,webothsaid,“Actually?”andsmiled.Itfeltinthismomentlikewekneweachothermuchbetterthanwedid,andIthoughtthatNoahclearlywasagoodguy,inadditiontobeingradiantlyhandsome,andalsothatitwouldbeanenormousreliefwhentheliveshowwasfinishedandwewerenolongerhavingdozensofostensiblycasualencounters.IfTNOwaslikesummercamp,atleasthissessionwouldlastonlyaweek.Igesturedwithmythumbandsaid,“IshouldgotellDannymybitchylittlesketchabouthislovelifeiscut.”
“Beforeyougo—”Noahleanedintotheroomandsethispalmontheshoulderoftheblondwoman,whoworeamaroondresswithbrownflowersonitandwaseatingahundred-caloriebagofcashews.Therewasabowlofsuchbagsonatable,alongwithbananas,apples,grass-fedbeefjerky,acruditéplatter,tinybrownies,andwaterbottles.Thewomanturnedtowardhim,andNoahsaid,“Sally,thisismysister,Vicky,andVicky,thisisSally,who’sawriterhere.”
Warmly,Vickysaid,“You’reoneofthepeoplemakingNoah’sdreamscometrue.”
“Well,notpersonally,”Isaid,whichimmediatelyseemedweirdonmypart.“Nicetomeetyou,”Iaddedasweshookhands.
“Likewise.”
“Doyouliveherein—”Ibegan,butbeforeIcouldfinish,AutumnwasuponusinherAutumn-ishway,saying,“Sally,I’mgoingtostealbothNoahandVickyandshowthemwhereVickywillstandwhensheintroducesNoah’sfirstsong.”
“Oh,fun.”Itookastepbackwardsandwavedvaguely.“Breakaleg!”Isaid,thenIscurriedaway.
Saturday,11:08p.m.
WorkingatTNOwasoftenhectic,butthemosthectictimewasbetweentheendofthedressrehearsalandthestartoftheliveshow.Thethree-hundred-plusaudiencemembersneededtobeescortedout,andanotherthreehundred–plusneededtobebroughtin.AllthewritersandalltheproducersandallthecastcrammedintoNigel’soffice—thistime,hisofficeoverlookingthestudio—sohecouldrevealwhichtwoorthreesketcheshewascuttingfortime,andhowhethoughtthesequenceoftheremainingonesneededtoberearranged,andwhichlast-minuteadjustmentshewantedmadetothescripts,sets,andcostumes.Ifattimeshisattentiontodetailseemedludicrous—he’ddecreethatapottedplantinasketchshouldbemovedfromtherightsideofadesktotheleft—thecounterargumentwasthathewasNigelPetersen,andtherestofuswerenot.
Dresshadgonewell,withtheaudiencelaughingalot,butithadn’tgonesowellthatitmademefearfortheliveshow;sometimesyouwentintoliveknowingyoucouldn’ttopdress,andthiswasn’toneofthosenights.There’dbeenatruedud—Sister&Father,theonethatfeaturedVivasthenun—wheretheaudiencewasquietfromstarttofinish,butithadbeenrightbeforeNoah’sfirstmusicalperformance,whichtosomeextentservedasapalatecleanserandpreventedthedudfromruiningtherestoftheshow.Itwasunderstoodthat,althoughallofusalwayspreferredtokill,thefactthatsketchescouldbomb,thattheaudiencewouldn’trewardusjustforshowingup,gavekillingitsvalueandmeaning.
InkeepingwithNigel’sfrequentinscrutability,hewasn’tcuttingSister&Father;instead,hewanteditrewrittensothatratherthanNoahasthePopecomingintwo-thirdsofthewaythrough,thesketchstartedwithNoah,andNoah’sheadgearchangedfromamitertoaskullcap.BothBlabbermouthandtheCheesemongersurviveddress,thoughNigelwantedtwentysecondscutfromBlabbermouth,whichraisedthequestionformeofwhethertoeliminatetherecentadditionwhenHenriettaflewairplane-styleonNoah’sfeetortothinoutthechatterbetweenthemalejudges.Iwentwiththelatter,whilewonderingifdoingsowouldunderminetheentiresketch.AndCatchphrase’sUnicyclesketchhadbeenmovedtothelastslot.Latersketchestendedtobewildcards—clearly,includingthemwasn’tNigel’spriority,becausetheymightneedtobecutfortimeduringtheshow—buttheysometimesbecameunexpectedclassics.
Afterthemeeting,IracedtothecuecardsroomandranintothewriterBenji,whosaid,“That’sabummerNigelcutTheDannyHorstRule.Ithoughtitwassolid.”
EvenifI’dwantedto,therewasn’ttimetoclarify;webothneededtochecknewcuecards.Isimplysaid,“Iknow.”Thereweretenminuteslefttoair,andIcouldhearthehousebandplayingonHomeBase,andthechatteroftheaudiencememberseagerlywaitingfortheshow.Usually,Dannytookthestageforacoupleminutesbeforeairtowarmuptheaudience,butIheardBailey,whoalsohadgottentheirstartasastand-up,doingitinstead.ThenBaileyleftthestageandthecastmemberJayboundedout,withBianca,Lynette,andGracetakingtheirplacesbehindhim.ThoughIcouldn’tseeHomeBase,IknewbecausethiswashowitalwayshappenedthatJaywaswearingathree-piece,seventies-stylepalebluesuit,andthewomenwerewearingmatchingshortsilverhaltertopdresseswithtallwhiteboots.Theyallbeltedout“WeAreFamily,”andtheaudiencewentnuts.
AsIwalkedtowardthespotunderthebalconywhereIusuallywatchedtheliveshow,ano-man’s-landquiteseparatefromNigel’scave,andwithoutrosé,IpassedViv,whowasabouttoplayComey’sbookeditorinthecoldopen.Inthesecondsbeforeacastmemberwenton,whentheyweresurroundedbyamakeupartist,ahairstylist,andsomeonefromwardrobeallmakinglastadjustments,theclustersalwaysremindedmeofwhenthemiceandbirdsintheoriginalCinderellamoviedressedherfortheball.Ididn’twanttogetintheway,ortocalloutDr.Theo’sname,sowhenViv’seyesmetmine,Imerelyheldupmyrighthand,firstwiththethumbup,thenwiththethumbdown,andraisedmyeyebrows.Shenoddedandheldupherownthumb.Iwasn’tsurewhetherI’dbeenaskingifDr.Theowasthereorifthey’dspoken,but,eitherway,theconfirmationseemedpromising.“Awesome,”Isaid,andkeptwalkingtotakemyplacenexttotwootherwriters,PatrickandJenna.Unlessthingswentawryduringtheshow—ifanothersketchwentwayoverandIwastoldbyaproducerIneededtomakemorecuts—thiswaswhereI’dstay.Evenonnightswhennoneofmysketcheswereinthelineup,itwasthrillingtobeinthestudioseeingthecastmembersperformandknowingthesketcheswereappearingontelevisionscreensalloverthecountry.LikeNoahandmillionsofotherpeople,ItoohadoncebeenakidwholivedfarfromNewYorkandwatchedTNOandwaselectrified.
Andthenitwas11:28,11:29—oneofNigel’spearlsofwisdomthatpeopleoutsideTNOborrowedwas“Theshowdoesn’tgoonbecauseit’sready.Theshowgoesonbecauseit’s11:30”—andIcouldhearPenelopesaying,“Thirtysecondstoair,people,thirtysecondstoair.Keepmoving,everyone.”Thecoldopenstarted,andOliverwassmarmilyself-righteousasComey,andVivwasimpatientashiseditorandLynettecameonstageasaworld-wearyHillaryClintonandthentherewasthemomentatthesketch’sconclusionwhentheybrokethefourthwall,leanedtheirheadsin,lookedatthecamera,andshoutedinunison,welcomingviewerstotheshowjustasTNOcastmembershadbeendoingsince1981.Hearingthefamouslineneverfailedtoreleasesomethinginme,someecstasythatwaslikeliftingthetabonasodacan,ormaybelikehavinganorgasm,ormaybelikeknowingI’dhaveanorgasminthenearfuture—someexcitementandanticipationandnervousnessanddelight.TheessentialthingI’dfailedtounderstandaboutTNObeforeworkingtherewasthat,eventhoughtherewereflubbedlinesandlatecameracutsandsketchesthatbombed,thelivepartwasn’ttheshow’sweakness;itwasitsstrength.Andreally,sowasthewayallthepreparationhadtobecrammedintoaweek.Thesewerethethingsthatmadeusinventiveandwildlyambitious,thatgavetheshowitsunpredictabilityandintensityandmagic.Though,oddly,evenafterthirty-sevenyears,plentyofviewersstilldidn’trealizetheshowwaslive.
Bythispoint,I’dbeenaroundNoahenoughthatIcouldtellhewasnervousduringthemonologue,butinanendearingway—thathewasbothhappyandjittery.WhenElliotcameoutfortheirfaux-misunderstanding,Elliot’scomparativestiffness—andfrankly,hiscomparativelymediocrelooks—amplifiedNoah’scharms.AndthenNoahwassaying,“Ourmusicalguestis,well,alsome,andwe’vegotagreatshowtonight,sostickaroundandwe’llberightback,”anditwasallspinningforward,withPeggywhiskingNoahoffstage(anotherofmyall-timefavoritemomentshadbeenthenightwhenapetitestarletinextremelyhighheelsfinishedhermonologueandPeggysimplyhoistedthestarletintoapiggybacktogetherfromHomeBasetoherfirstsketch).IoftenthoughtthatTNOwaslikeasped-upversionoflifeitself,andthatwhethersomethingproceededmagnificentlyordisastrously,timealwayskeptrushingbyandthenextmomentwashappening.Duringcommercialbreaks,orasothersketchesunfolded,theswarmsoftechsinallblackwerecalmlymovingsetwallsandunrollingrugsandcarryingsofasanddesks,andbeforeeachsketchstarted,Penelopewassayingoverthespeakers,“Tenseconds,”andthen,“Three,two,”andthenwewereliveagain.AfterNoah’smonologue,thecommercialbreak,andTonyandLianna’sdigitalshort,theCheesemongerkilled(ofcoursethesketchI’dcaredabouttheleastkilled,andtheoneI’dcaredaboutthemosthadbeencut,evenifI’dbeentheonetocutit);thentherewastheMedicineCabinetsketchthathadreplacedTheDannyHorstRule,whichwasbothcleverandalittlesoftstill,notassharpasitwouldhavebeenifithadbeenrevisedmore;thentheoverhauledSister&Father,whichmadetheaudienceroarassoonasNoahappearedinhiswhitecassockandskullcapandinwhichVivasthenuninnocentlyspoutedfilthydoubleentendresthatpromptedmetoscanthebacksoftheheadsoftheaudienceinthefloorseatsforDr.Theo;thenNoah’sfirstmusicalactwasbeingintroducedbyhissister,Vicky,anditwas“Ambiguous,”thesongI’dwatchedhimrehearse.Thistimearound,itmademeunexpectedlysadandthenmademethinkmaybeIshouldendthingswithGeneandtry,afterallthistime,forarealboyfriend.NotanyonefromTNO,certainly,andnotNoahBrewsterbecausehewasNoahBrewster.Butsomeone,someonewhoseeyesI’dwanttogazeintoandwho’dwanttogazeintominewhilewelayonahugebedwithamillionpillows.ThenitwasNewsDesk,inwhichwhatevermoodDannywasinwasindistinguishablefromhisusualdeadpandeliveryandwhich,apartfromDanny’scurrent-eventsjokes,featuredBaileyinacookingsegmentforMinnesotahotdishes—Baileywas,inreallife,fromDuluth—andastheydumpedamassivepitcherofcreamofmushroomsoupintoaclearglasspanoftatertots,Icouldalreadytellthiswasgoingtobearecurringbit.ThentherewasNoah’sChoreographysketch,andIsawthesnakehandlerwaitingjustoffset;I’dexpectedthesnaketobegreenliketherubberprop,butherscaleshadapatternofreddish-orangediamondsoverpalerorange,andtheaudiencecheeredafterthehandlerplacedheraroundNoah’sshouldersthenmovedaway,andmyheartthudded,andthenthatsketchwasfinished,too,andI’donceagainseenNoah’smuscularabdomenandsohadmanyotherAmericans.ThentherewasBlabbermouth,andthoughitgotlaughs,justasI’dbeenabletotellthatBailey’shotdishsegmentwasthebeginningofsomething,IcouldfeelthatBlabbermouthhadrunitscourse.ThenPeggywaspullingNoahfromStage3toStage2forhissecondsong,theCinderellamiceandbirdswereoutfittinghiminaretromint-green-and-blackbowlingshirtandtouchinguphismakeup,Jaywasintroducingthistime,andNoahwassinging“InboxZero,”andthen,afteracommercialbreak,itwasalreadytimeforgoodnights,whenNoahstoodonHomeBase,joinedbythecastmembersandhisband,andsaidthankyouandeveryonehuggedeachother.Catchphrase’sUnicyclesketchhadbeencut,butsohadJoseph’sThreeTenorssketch.Dannydidn’tappearforgoodnights,andthehousebandwasstillplayingtheendingmusicandtheaudiencewasstillcheeringasIleftthestudioandwalkeddownthehalltowardhisdressingroom.
Aproducerandawardrobeassistantbothcongratulatedmeonmysketches,andIthankedthemperfunctorily.IknockedonDanny’sdoorandopeneditwithoutwaitingforaresponse.Hewassittinginfrontofthemirrorremovingmakeupwithawipe.
“Howareyoudoing?”Iasked.
“Howdoyouthink?”
“Ifyoudon’twanttogototheafter-party,wecouldgogetpizzaorwhatever.”
Inthemirror,wemadeeyecontact,andhesmiledgrimly.“Nooffense,butyou’regivingsuchintensevibesrightnowof‘Honey,Iknowyoudidn’tgetinvitedtoprom,butwouldn’titbewaymorefuntostayinandbakecookieswithDadandme?’?”
“Idohaveadeliciousrecipeforsnickerdoodles,”Isaid,andhedidn’tlaugh.
Hesaid,“I’mgonnagohome,smokesomeweed,andtrytosleep.”
“Willyoutextmetomorrowandletmeknowhowyouare?”Wehadneverpreviouslycommunicatedonourdayoff.
“Okay,Mom,”hesaid.
BeforeIlefthisdressingroom,Ipattedhimontheshoulder.
Castmembers,unlikewriters,wereeachprovidedwithacaranddrivertogettotheafter-parties—morespecifically,withagiganticblackCadillacEscaladeSUV—andI’darrangedtoridealongwithHenriettaandherwife,Lisa.BeforeImettheminHenrietta’sdressingroom,whichwasjustafewdoorsfromDanny’s,Ineededtostopbytheseventeenthfloor,dropoffmyscripts,andgettheblacknylonfannypackIusedasapurse.WhenIenteredtheoffice,anenormousbouquetofflowerssatinthecenterofmydesk,darkandlightpinkrosesandfrosted-lookinggreenery.AsIliftedthelargesquarevasefromtheopencardboardbox,IthoughtthatifthiswasNoah’swayofthankingmeforhelpinghimwithhissketch(fourdays,andalsoalifetime,before),itwasbothexcessiveandextraordinarilygracious.
ButwhenIpulledthenotefromtheclearplasticforkinthebouquet’scenterandunfoldedit,itread:
Sally,pleaseforgiveme.xoxoAnnabel
Sunday,1:51a.m.
Thatweek’sofficialafter-party,beforetheafter-afterpartyoranypartiesafterthat,wasatahugefancyold-schoolFrenchrestaurant.Itfeaturedaslightlytrendybaronthelowerlevel—notabarthatatwenty-three-year-oldwholivedinBushwickwouldconsidertrendy,butonethat,say,athirty-six-year-oldwholivedontheUpperWestSidemight.Everyofficialafter-partywasaweirdblendofquasi-mandatoryworkevent,necessaryemotionalrelease,celebrityscene,and1:30a.m.dinner.
Almostimmediatelyafterarriving,Henrietta,Lisa,andIwentthroughthebuffet—Henriettahadoncetoldmethiswastheonemealoftheweekwhensheateinacompletelyunrestrainedway—thenwesatinabigroundboothalreadyoccupiedbyViv;Dr.Theo;Bailey;Bailey’spartner,Sterling;Oliver;Oliver’smanager,whosenameIdidn’tknow;Oliver’sex-girlfriendBettina;andOliver’scousin,whosenameIalsodidn’tknow.EvenasthecastmembersandIdebriefedabouttheshow—who’dmesseduptheirlines,who’dbrokencharacter,whichsketcheshadbeenreceivedmoreorlessenthusiasticallythanwe’dexpected—IwonderedwhatDr.Theomadeofbeingatthisplace,atthishour,surroundedbypeopleaminimumofadecadeandahalfyoungerthanhewas.Inperson,hewasashandsomeastheonlinephotoI’dseenormaybemoreso:mediumheight,slim,withcloselycutsalt-and-pepperhairandwarmbrowneyes.Heseemedsimultaneouslycalmandhardtoread.Vivwasonhisleft,andIwasonhisright,andasthedebriefingcontinued,Isaid,“Ihopetheinsidebaseballisn’tboringyoutodeath.”
“Notatall,”hesaid.“It’sfuntoseebehindthecurtain.”
“You’reanophthalmologist,right?”Isaid.
“Iam.”
“What’sthatlike?”
Helaughed.“It’sgood.”
Ilaughed,too.“Iguessyoualreadyknowthis,butpeople’seyesareimportanttothem.”
“Idoknowthat,”hesaid.“Andit’strue.”
“AlthoughIalwaysforgettodothatthingwhereyou’resupposedtolooktwentyfeetawayfromyourcomputerscreenfortwentysecondseverytwentyminutes.AreyoufromNewYork?”
Heshookhishead.“I’velivedheresincerightaftermedschool,butIgrewupinSt.Louis.”
“Wait,really?I’mfromKansasCity.”
Weturnedtolookateachother—webothwereholdingforksoverourplates—andhesaid,“Well,hey.”
“Doyougetbackhomemuch?Ijustgoacoupletimesayear.”
“Igofortheholidays.Myparentsandsistersarestillthere,andmyniecesandnephews.Asamatteroffact,myoldestnieceisnowatNYU,buttherestofmyfamilyisthere.”
“VivwenttoNYU,”Isaid.“Asyouprobablyknow.”
FromDr.Theo’sotherside,Vivsaid,“Vivwentwhere?”
“VivwenttoNYU,”Isaid.“Where,ifI’mnotmistaken,shewasaneconmajorandthestarofthestudentimprovgroup.”
ToDr.Theo,Vivsaid,“Sallymoonlightsasmypublicist.Idon’tknowifshementionedthat.”
“It’snotajob,”Isaid.“It’sacalling.”Butevenaswejokedaround,mygazewasdrawnacrosstheexpanseoftherestaurant’sdiningroomtowhereNoahsatinaboothexactlylikeourswithNigel,Elliot,Autumn,Noah’ssister,oneoftheguitaristswho’dperformedwithhim,andbothofthegoateedguysI’dseeninhisdressingroom.Theyallwerespeakinganimatedly,andIthoughthowrelievedNoahmustfeelthattheshowhadgonewell.IwonderedifI’dendupsayinggoodbyetohim.Icouldapproachhim,ofcourse,butdidIreallyhaveanythingtosay?
Forthenexthour,IcontinuouslymonitoredNoah’slocationandactivity,neitherofwhichchangedmuch,exceptforwhenherosefromtheboothasFranklinFreeman,whowasthehouseband’sdirector,waspassingby.NoahheartilyclappedFranklinontheback,thentheyembracedandtalkedforafewminutes.WouldIeverseeNoahagain?Themostplausibletimewouldbeifhereturnedtohostintwoorthreeorsevenyears,ifIstillwasworkingatTNO,whichIdidn’tthinkIwouldbe.
“Sally,”Vivwassaying,then,“Sally?”Iturned.“WantaridetoBlosca?”ThiswasthedivebarontheLowerEastSidewherethenight’sfirstafter-afterpartywasbeingheld.Thebarwasdownanarrowstaircasetoabasementlevel,andthepartywouldbemuchsmaller,morelikefortypeopleinsteadofthehundredmillingaroundthisone,andthemainattractionswereapooltableandcheapdrinks(somewhatastonishingly,weall,eventhecastmemberswho’dbeendriventhereinEscalades,hadtopayforourowndrinksatthefirstafter-party).MyfirstyearatTNO,I’dbeentoointimidatedtoattendtheafter-after-party,thenfrommysecondtomysixthorseventhyears,I’dattendedallofthem,thoughIendedthenightthereinsteadofgoingontostripclubsrumoredtobethesitesofafter-after-afterparties.Afewtimes,I’dfoundmyselfatadineraround7or8a.m.,butthatwastheextentofmyadventurousness.Andinthepastcoupleyears,Ioftenskippedtheafter-after-partyaltogetherbecauseIwasmoreenticedbymyownbed.
ButVivwasalreadywearingherjacket,lookingatmeexpectantly,stillwaitingtohearifIwantedaride.
“Sure,”Isaid.
Sunday,3:09a.m.
AtBlosca,Iwentstraighttothebarforadrink,turnedaround,andalmostcollidedwithNoahBrewster.
“Hey!”Hesmiledbroadly.
“Hey!”Isaidback.“Congratulations!Youweregreat.”ThoughIwasn’tdrunk,I’djusttakenalarge,reassuringsipofvodkatonic,followingtwodrinksattheearlierparty.
Noahleanedoverthebarandaskedforaclubsoda—presumably,hewascompletelysober—andIheardthebartendersay,“Loveyourmusic,man,”andNoahsaid,“Thanks,man,”andthenheturnedbacktomeandsaid,“Iwasn’tsureifyou’dbehere.”Eveninthedimlighting,hiseyeswerebrightblue,andhisblondsurferhairwas,well,convincinglyhairlike.Sometimesatafter-parties,thehostswouldstillbewearingtheirTVmakeup,butitlookedlikehe’dwipedhisoff.
“Iwasn’tsureifyou’dbehere,”Isaidandheldoutmyarms.“Butherewebothare.”Notthathe’dknowit,butthiswasastheatrical,andastipsy,asIgot.“Areyouexhaustedorstillrunningonadrenaline?”
“Idon’tknowhowyouguysdoitweekinandweekout.”
“Butbeingthehostandthemusicalguestisthecraziestofallpossibleworlds.Icouldneverdoeither,letaloneboth.Andyoureallywereawesome.Choreographerwasfantastic.”
“Well,youwererightabouttheCheesemonger.”
“No,yougetcredit,”Isaid.“It’sallinthedelivery.”Tipsinessnotwithstanding,Ialreadywasawareofmonopolizingacelebrity’stimewhenIwasnolongerprofessionallyuseful.
ThiswaswhenNoahsaid,“Nowwillyouadmityou’veneverreallylistenedtomymusic?”
Igenuinelylaughed.“IfIhadn’t,howwouldIhavewrittenthesketch?Also,I’mahumanbeingintheworld.Doyouthinkthere’sanyman,woman,orchildwhohasn’theard‘MakingLoveinJuly’whilelyinginthechairatthedentist’soffice?”
“Yeah,exactly.Imeanthatyouhaven’tlistenedbeyondthebareminimum.Youhaven’tlistenedonpurpose.”Hestillseemedtobegood-naturedlyteasingasopposedtoneedilygraspingforacompliment.
“Alsonottrue,”Isaid.“Ilove‘TheBishop’sGarden’and‘AllRegrets.’?”
Hesquintedalittle,scrutinizingme.
“Here’swhatI’lladmit,”Isaid.“TherearetwocategoriesofpopsongsI’mnotcrazyabout,andbecause‘MakingLoveinJuly,’throughnofaultofitsown,isinoneofthecategories,itbiasedmeagainstyouearlyon.Imeanalmosttwentyyearsago.ButI’verealizedthatIunderestimatedtherangeofyour”—Ipaused—“youroeuvre.”Ipausedagain.“Whatkindofassholedoyouthinkusesthewordoeuvreinabaratthreeinthemorning?”
“JustguessingbutmaybeanassholewhowenttoHarvard?”
“No,no,”Isaid.“I’mnotoneofTNO’sHarvardassholes.”
“Where’dyougo?”
“Duke,”Isaid.
Thistime,hissmilewasmoresarcastic.“Asintheworld-famousuniversityinNorthCarolina?DoyoumeanthatDuke?”
“IgetthathavinggonetoDukemightnotsoundthatdifferentfromhavinggonetoHarvard,but,trustme,thewriterswhowenttoHarvardthinkitis.Alsodidn’tyougotosomefancyprepschoolinWashington,D.C.?BecauseIwenttoagigantic,crappypublichighschoolinsuburbanKansasCity.”
“ButIneverwenttocollegeatall,sothatnegatesmyfancyprepschooldegree.IwassupposedtogotoKenyon,butinsteadIstartedbuskingatMetrostations.WhendoIgettofindoutthetwocategoriesofsongsyouhate?”
“Well,mydisclaimeristhatmusicisn’tmyareaofexpertise.”
“Noted.”
“Onecategoryisthekindofsongwhereit’saboutalongrelationshipormarriage,andthelyricsarelike‘Sometimesitwassobadthatwealmostdidn’tmakeit,butwe’vesurvived.’Ithinkthosesongsareunintentionallyfunnybecausethey’resupposedlyacelebrationoftheenduranceofloveorwhatever,butthelyricssoundmorelike‘Beingmarriedtoyouishell,butlet’scongratulateourselvesforguttingitout.’?”
“Hmm,”hesaid.“IguessI’veneverthoughtaboutthat.”
“There’satonofthem,”Isaid.“?‘Webothwereattractedtootherpeople,youdrovemecrazy,Iwantedtokillyou.But,baby,afteralltheseyears,you’restilltheone.’Thatactuallymightbeagoodsketch.Eventhoughyoupoisonedmycat,eventhoughyoupukedonmyneedlepointpillow.HaveyoueverbeentoaweddingreceptionwheretheymakeallthemarriedcouplesstandupandthentheDJsays,‘Sitdownifyou’vebeenmarriedlessthantenyears,lessthantwentyyears,lessthanthirtyyears?’Andthelastonesstandingaresomeninety-year-oldcouplewho’sbeenmarriedsince1950?”
“DidyoumeetmybackupsingerJimmy?I’veonlyseenthatathiswedding.Ithinkit’snotaWASPthing.”
“Ithinkyou’reright.Buttherecouldbeafreeze-frameoneachcoupleasthey’reapplauded,andtheydoaconfessional.Soalltheotherguestsarelike,‘Thisissotouching,’andtheninety-year-oldwomanisthinkingtoherself,‘Forsevendecades,thesoundofhischewinghasmademewanttostranglehim.’?”
“Thatwouldbefunny,”Noahsaid.“Actually.”
Oureyesmet,andIsaid,“Thanks,actually.”
“Thethingis,”hesaid,“I’mprettysureI’veneverwrittenthatkindofsong,partlybecauseI’veneverbeenmarried.”
“Oh,sorry.‘MakingLoveinJuly’istheotherkindofsongIwasreferringto.It’sinthesecondcategory.Thatkindisalwaysamansingingtoawomanandit’slike,‘Baby,youdon’tknowhowbeautifulyouare.You’resoperfect,IneverthoughtI’dfindthis,amIinheaven?’?”
Noahlookedbothamusedanduncertain.“What’swrongwith‘Baby,you’resoperfect,IneverthoughtI’dfindthis,amIinheaven?’?”Atanalmostsubliminallevel,IfounditgratifyingthatI’dtrickedNoahBrewsterintosayingtome,whilewestoodafootapart,“Baby,you’resoperfect,IneverthoughtI’dfindthis,amIinheaven?”
Isaid,“Idon’tliketheYou-don’t-know-how-beautiful-you-arepart.Itmakesitseemliketheloveispredicatedeitheronalackofawarenessonthewoman’spartorelseonherbeinginsecure.Andthewomaninthesongsisoftenbothachildandasexyenchantress.Sothelyricsmightaswellbe‘I’mattractedtoyoubecauseyouconformtothestandardsagreedupontobedesirableatthismomentinhumanhistory,butyoudon’tevenknowitandyourcluelessnessiswhatmakesmefeellikearealman.’?”
“That’sprobablyalittlewordy,”hesaid.“Butpointtaken.Wouldyousayit’ssimilartowhenthemaincharacterinaromanticcomedyhasflouronhernoseaftershemadecookiesandshedoesn’tknowit?BecauseI’veheardthat’sveryannoying,too.”
AlthoughIwasimpressedthatherememberedthispartoftheconversationwe’dhadinmyoffice,Ididn’tknowifhewasagreeingorteasingme.Ishrugged.“Didn’tIwarnyouaboutmyrants?”
“Anddidn’tItellyouIloverants?”hesaid.“ButIthinkyou’reconflatingthesecondkindofsongwithsomethingthat’sinathirdcategory.Yeah,thereareYou-don’t-know-how-beautiful-you-aresongs,butIdon’tseethoseasautomaticallythesameasthesongsthatarelike,‘Ican’tbelieveyouexistandIcan’tbelievewefoundeachother.’Whenoneofthoseisdonewell,doesn’titcapturethemosttranscendentexperiencetwopeoplecanhave?”WhenIdidn’timmediatelyreply,hesaid,“Don’ttellmeyouthinkfallinginloveisbullshit.”
“Well—”IthoughtoftheoddlysimilarquestionDannyhadaskedjustafewhoursearlier.“Idon’twantittobe.”
“Idon’tgetwhyyou’dwritescriptsforromanticcomediesifyouthinkromanceischeesynonsense.”
“That’sjustit,though,”Isaid.“Idon’twritefromapointofclarity.Iwriteoutofconfusion.”
“Thenhowaboutthis—canyoudefinecheeseforme?BecauseIstillhaven’tfiguredout,aftertwodecades,wherethelineisbetweencheeseandemotionalextravagancethat’sacceptable.Whatmakesasongoramovieoramomentinreallifelandononesideortheother?ThisispartofwhytheCheesemongersketchhitanerveforme.”
Iwasquietforafewsecondsandfinallysaid,“That’sagoodquestion.Butthelineissubjective,right?KindofliketheSupremeCourtdefinitionofobscenitybeing‘IknowitwhenIseeit.’?”
“What’sasongyouthinkislegitimately,non-cheesilyromantic?”
“Attheriskofbeingpredictable,there’sanIndigoGirlssongcalled‘DairyQueen.’?”
“Butisn’tthataboutarelationshipthatdoesn’tworkout?”
“Romancedoesn’trequireahappyending.”ThoughIdidn’tconveyit,Iwassurprisedthatheknewthesong.Fanslikedit,butitwasno“ClosertoFine.”
“Right,”Noahsaid.“Butyouhavetoadmitit’seasiernottobecheesywhenyou’rewritingaboutlostlove.Areyourromanticcomediesgoingtoendsadlyandthat’stheirtwist?”
Ilaughed.“Idon’tknowhowtheyendbecauseIhaven’tfinishedwritingoneyet.”
Hewaslookingatmewithintensecuriosity,whichwasn’tawayIwasoftenlookedat.Thenhesaid,“Haveyoueverbeeninlove?”
“Well—”Ipaused.“I’veactuallybeenmarried.”Heglanceddownatmylefthand,thehandinwhichIheldmydrink,soIswitchedtheglasstotheotherhandandwiggledmybareleftfingers.“Anddivorced,”Iadded.“I’mabrassydivorcée.Ihadastartermarriageinmyearlytwenties,rightaftercollege.”
“Doesthatexplainwhyyou’renotafanofsongsaboutpeoplewhostayedmarriedthroughalltheupsanddowns?”Hetookasipofhisclubsoda.“OramIbeingfacile?”
“Well,Idefinitelydon’tthinkdivorcesareinherentlytragic.Isawmyownasapersonalfailure,butitalsowasahugerelief.I’dneverhavehadthiscareerifI’dstayedmarried.”
“Inthebeginning,whenyouandyourhusbandwerefirsttogether,didyoufeellike,‘AmIinheaven’?”
Ilaughed.“No.”Helaughed,too,asurprised-seeminglaugh,andIsaid,“IthinkI’vesortofbeeninlove.Justnotwithmyhusband.”
Noahwasstillregardingmewithanexpressionthatwasbothamusedandstrangelyrapt,asifhefoundmeriveting.Thiswastheproblemwithcelebrities,thattheycoulddeploytheircharismaatwill,andyoubaskedinitsglow,andthentheyshifteditawayfromyouandtheworldrevertedtobeingcold.“Howdoessortofinlovework?”heasked.
Elliothadbeenattheafter-partyatthebigFrenchrestaurant—hewasfartooambitioustoskipit—buthewasn’tattheafter-after-party;he’dstoppedattendingthemwhenhegotmarried.“It’spathetic,”Isaid,“buttherewassomeoneatTNOwhoIthoughtwasmysoulmate.Weneverdated.Wewerejustfriends,butIthoughtwewerecomedysoulmatesandlifesoulmates.Thepatheticpartisthathedidn’tfeelthatwayaboutme.”
“Ican’ttell,”Noahsaid.“Areyousaying‘soulmates’ironically?”
“Embarrassinglyenough,I’msayingitunironically.”
“Andareyoustillintohim?”
“Oh,God,no,”Isaid.“Thiswasyearsago.”Therewasabriefpause—overthebar’sotherconversationsandthebackgroundmusic,whichatthatmomentwasaseventiesrockclassic,Iheardtheclackingsoundofanewpoolgame—andIsaid,“Judgingbyyoursongs,Iimagineyou’vebeeninlovehundredsoftimes.”
Heshookhishead.“Hardly.”
“Doyoustillpineforpeoplefromyourpast?”
“IalmostwishIdid.I’veneverbeeninarelationshipIthoughtcouldlastforever,andwhenIlookback,theyseemevenmoredoomedinretrospect.IwonderifIwasdeludingmyselfthattheotherpersonandIhadanythingincommon.IguessifIstarttalkingaboutattachmenttheoryrightnow,I’llsoundlikeI’vebeeninalittletoomuchtherapy.”Hehelduphisglass.“Butitdefinitelyhelpswithstayingsober.”
“IfitsoundslikeIhaven’tbeeninenoughtherapy,it’sbecauseI’vechosenMidwesternrepressioninstead.”
Helaughed.
Isaid,“Plusthetime-honoredmethodofchannelingmyneurosesintomywriting.”
“Anotherlegitimatepath,thoughnotmutuallyexclusivefromtherapy.”
“IthinkIknowwhatattachmenttheoryisfromreadingarticles.It’sreplicatingthedynamicsofthefamilyyougrewupin?”
Henoddedandsethisdrinkonthebar.“IrememberturningthirtyandI’djustwonthisbigawardinthemusicindustry—”
“Oh,comeon,”Isaid.“Don’tbemodest.”
Hegrinned.“TheGrammyforAlbumoftheYear.Thankyouforofferingmethatopportunity.”
“IfIwonaGrammyforAlbumoftheYear,I’dcarryitwithmeatalltimes,includingnow.It’salittlestatueofarecordplayer,right?”
“ExceptthatyouhavewonEmmys,sothatdoesn’treallycheckout.Unlessthey’reinthere?”Henoddeddowntowardmyfannypack.
Hadhegoogledme?Ididn’thavemuchofanInternetpresence—thoughI’dcreatedsocialmediaaccountsinordertofollowotherpeople,I’dliterallyneverpostedanything—butthiswasoneofthefewfactsthatwouldpopupifsomeonedidasearch.Ipattedmyfannypack.“Iftherewasroomforthem,Iwould.Asyouweresaying—you’dturnedthirty,you’dwonaGrammy,and…?”
“JustthatIthoughtIwasonthecuspoffiguringitallout.I’dhadmyearlysuccess,thenI’dhadasophomore-slumpalbum,thenI’dredeemedmyselfcritically—Imean,thisfeelslikeamisguidedwayoflookingatitnow,butitwaswhatIbelievedatthetime.IalsothoughtIwasonthecuspofgettingmarriedandhavingkids.Formythirtiethbirthday,I’dgonetoCostaRicatosurfwithsomefriends.OnenightIhappenedtowatchthesunsetbymyselffromabalconyinthevillawherewewerestaying,andIwasreallyconfidentthattherewassomecodeI’dcracked.Butsixyearshavepassedsincethen,I’mstillnotmarried,andIfeelalotmoreconfusedabouteverything—thestateoftheworld,thedirectionofmylife,howmuchIshouldusemyso-calledplatform.Comparabletothecheesyversusnotcheesyline,where’sthedividewhenyou’reacelebritywhowantstobeinvolvedbutyouknowplentyofpeoplewouldjustsay,‘Shutupandplayyourguitar’?”
“Whenyouthoughtyouwereonthecuspofgettingmarried,”Isaid,“wasittosomeoneinparticular?”
Heshookhisheadandsmiled.“Youthinkthatcouldhavebeenpartoftheproblem?”
“Forwhatit’sworth,whenIwasinhighschool—atmybigcrappypublicschool—amathteacheroncesaidatassemblythatthepointoflifeistofindthethingyou’regoodatandenjoydoing,andtodoitforotherpeople.Canyouimaginehavingtheaudacitytodeclarewhatthepointoflifeis?ButIneverforgotit,andI’mnotsosurehewaswrong.”
“I’veheardworse.”
“Itmightsoundsilly,butIthinkof—”Ipaused.Evenaftertwoandahalfdrinks,thisfeltlikealottorevealtoapersonIbarelyknew.ButIkeptgoing.Isaid,“IthinkofTNOastheloveofmylife.”Unaccountably,myeyesfilledwithtears.AndthenIrealizeditwasn’tbecauseIthoughtwhatIwassayingwassad.Itwasbecauseitwastrue,andnotsadatall.
“Oh,yeah,”Noahsaidimmediately.“Ifeelthatwayaboutmymusic.”
“We’resolucky,”Isaid.“Don’tyouthink?Mostpeopledon’thavethat.Iknow,everywhereotherthanNewYork,ifyouhaveagoodjobandaspouseandkidsandahouseandacar,thosearethemarkersofmaturityandstabilityandcompleteness.Andyoueatyourdinneratsevenp.m.andgotobedatten,andgoforvigorousjogsontheweekend.Ifyou’reintothat,great.Buttherearelotsofotherwaystoputalifetogether.”
“DoyouknowthatThoreauline‘Themassofmenleadlivesofquietdesperation’?”
“NotonlydoIknowit,”Isaid,“butinhighschool,Ihadaposterwithfamousquotesonit,andthatwasoneofthem!”I’dspokenwithsuchexcitementthatIhadspitaverytinyamountofsalivaontohisrightcheek.Hedidnotwipeitaway;hebeamedbackatme,andthoughIcouldn’tproveitandcertainlywasn’tgoingtoask,Isuspectednotthathedidn’tknowI’dspitonhimbutthathedidn’twantmetobeembarrassedortrulydidn’tcare,thathedidn’tfindmeatalldisgusting.Evenaftersixdays,hiseasygoingwarmthwassounexpected,andsoendearing.“Justtobeclear,”Isaid,“Idoleadalifeofquietdesperation.Iwouldn’twanttobefriendswithanyonewhodoesn’t,oranyonewhoisn’tfilledwithambivalence,becauseIassumethey’dbeincrediblyshallow.ButI’msureI’dbetentimesmorequietlydesperateifIwerelivinginthesuburbswithatwo-cargarage.”
“Doyouknowyoudon’twantanyofthat?Themarriageorkids?”
Itoccurredtometosay,“Withyouorsomeoneelse?”butwhatifhethoughtIwasserious?Instead,Isaid,“Idon’tknowforcertain,butI’mnotsittingaroundwaitingforeitherone.AndIbetnotsettlingdownwhenyouwerethirtyhasmadeyouabettermusician.Andcontinuingtofeelconfusionhas,too,probably.Ijustcan’tseehowanyonewhothinkstheyhaveeverythingsortedoutandhavecomeoutontopcouldwriteverygoodsongs.Or,forthatmatter,verygoodcomedysketchesorverygoodscreenplays.”
“Maybeyoushouldbeatherapist.”Heliftedhisglassfromthebar,tookasip,swallowed,andsaid,“Bytheway,Idon’tbelieveintheDannyHorstRule.IthoughtyoursketchwasfunnyandI’msorryitgotcut,buttheruleitself—personally,I’vedefinitelydated—youknow—”
Ididn’ttrytoconcealmyamusement.“Womenlessattractivethanyou?”Isuggested.
“That’snotwhatIwasgoingtosay.Butnon-celebrities.”
“You’vedatedtheminaseriousway?”
“Ofcourse.It’snotliketheonlyrelationshipsI’vebeeninaretheonesthathavebeenreportedingossipcolumns.Butyou’redamnedifyoudoanddamnedifyoudon’t.Ifyougooutwithanothercelebrity,it’slikeDannyandAnnabel,whereyou’reunderthisdistortingmicroscope.Youhavetheadvantageofunderstandingeachother’sworldsfirsthand,butthedisadvantageofbothhavingreallycomplicatedschedules.Whereasifyoudatesomeonewhoisn’tanothercelebrity,youfeellikeyou’realwaysaskingthemtoaccommodateyou.Plus,it’seasyforthemtofeelinsecure.You’relookingatmewithaverymockingexpressionrightnow.Irealizetheseareprivilegedproblems.”
“IthinkyouthinkI’mlookingatyouwithamockingexpressionbecauseI’mawriterforTNO.”
“Iguessthatmightbeanoccupationalhazard.”Andthensomethinghappenedthatlaterwashardformetoexplaintomyself,hardtounderstand.Aswhenhe’dcuppedmychininmyoffice,itmighthavebeennothing.Hisexpressionbecamebothverytenderandveryamused,asiftherewereanexcellentinsidejokebetweenus,andhetiltedhisheadtotherightandlookedatmewithafocusedkindofsweetnessandwarmth.Thenheagainsethisglassonthebarandleanedforwardincrementally,andIthought,OhmyGod,ishegoingtokissme?BecauseNoahBrewstercannotkissmehere,infrontofmyco-workers,inasettingthatisn’treallyprivatebecausenowhereisprivateintheageofcellphones,inaworldinwhichheishimandIamme.Andbecauseifhekissesme,whatwillhappennext?
Alsoincrementally,Itookastepback.“Allyourinsightsaboutloveandromance,”Isaid.“Didyougetthemfromdatingtwenty-two-year-oldmodels?”
Hesquintedwithwhatappearedtobegenuineconfusion.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
Myheartwasbeatingmorequickly,andnotinaswoonyway.Inapre-combatway,likeinrewriteswhenIsteeledmyselftoarguewithElliot.Isaid,“Ididn’trealizemodelsweresoeducational.”
Noah’sexpressionwasnolongerconfused.Itwasstony,andafewsecondselapsedbeforehesaid,“Ithoughtwewerejusthavingarealconversation.Whywouldyousaythattome?”
“Haven’tyoudatedalotofmodels?Isthatnotfactuallycorrect?”Hescowled—itwasdefinitelythehandsomestscowlI’deverseen,anditwasalso,toanextentthatIwasonlystartingtoabsorb,horrificallyregret-inducing—andIadded,“Ididn’tmeantooffendyou.”
“Right,”hesaid.
“Sorry,butIdidwarnyouthatI’manasshole.”
“Wow.That’sjust—”Heshookhishead.“That’sthelamestexcuseI’veeverheard.”
Welookedatandawayfromeachotherwithanewawkwardness,anot-funawkwardness,whilethehumoftheroom,whichhadpreviouslybeenalmostunnoticeable,seemedtoswell.Ontheonehand,IdesperatelywishedIcouldrewindtheconversationninetysecondsandun-saythosethingsaboutmodels.Ontheotherhand,feelingattractedtothisman,experiencinghisattention—ithadbeenstressfulandconfusing,notjustinthebarbutforthelastseveraldays,andnowitseemedlikethatstressandconfusionhadruntheircourse.Icouldgetbacktomyregularnon-hopeful,non-tormentinglife.
“Ifyoudon’twanttoacceptmyapology,”Iheardmyselfsay,“thenIguessthat’sthat.Itwasnicetomeetyouorwhatever.”Iliftedmydrinktowardhiminsomesortoffarewellsalute.
Heseemeddeeplyfrustratedandmaybeevenangryashesaid,“?‘Ididn’tmeantooffendyou’and‘ItoldyouI’manasshole’—neitherofthoseisanapology.Ijustwish—”Thenhepaused.Again,heshookhishead.“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.IguessIshouldbegratefulthatyouwarnedmewhoyouarebeforethingswentanyfurther.”HetuckedhishairthatIknewwasawigbehindhisearsinawaythatwasoddlydecisive.“So,yeah.Takecare,Sally.”
Andthenheturnedandwalkedaway.
TheFollowingDays
I’lldescribewhathappenednextnotchronologically,becauseevennowthechronologyishazytome,butinorderofmyawarenessoftheevents.ThefirstthingIwasawareofwasthatNoahdidnotleavethebarimmediately,butchattedbrieflywithaclusterofcastmembers,thenlefttenminuteslater.IsoughtoutViv,whowastalkingtoDr.Theoinsuchasoft,intimatewaythatifIhadn’tbeensoworkedup,I’dhaveleftthemalone.AsIstoodaboutfifteenfeetfromNoah,Iwatchedhimoutofthecornerofmyeye,wonderingifIshouldapproachhimandtrytomakethingsright;ifIweredrunkerormoreimpulsive,I’dprobablyhaveattemptedit,butitseemedunlikelythatI’dsucceed.Also,Ididn’twanttooverestimatetheimportancetohimofourskirmish.Mighthebarelyrememberitbythefollowingmorning?IfeltdevastatedandrelievedwhenhewalkedawayfromJoshandHakeemandLynette,towardtheexitsignatthebottomofthestaircase,pausedtopullouthisphoneandtypesomethingonit,thendisappearedupthestepstothegroundfloor.ButofcourseI’dalreadyfeltdevastated—I’dfeltthatwayassoonasIruinedourconversation.Itwasthedramaticshiftintone,thefactthatIcouldruinit,thatallowedmetoadmittomyselfthatthedynamicbetweenus,notjustattheafter-after-partybutforthelastsixdays,hadhadenoughheftandenergytobesomething;ithadnotbeennothing.Ifhehadn’tbeenfamous,I’ddefinitelyhavethoughthewashittingonme.Thoughwhetherwereallyhadbeenabouttokissafewminutesprior—nowI’dneverknowifI’dbeenshockinglycorrectorlaughablywrong.
ThesecondthingthathappenedwasthattheCheesemongersketchwentviral.BySundaynightat8p.m.ithadmorethanfivehundredthousandviewsonYouTube,byMondayithadmorethanamillion,andbyFridayithadmorethanthreemillion.
Thethirdthingthathappenedwasthataweekandahalflater,Noah’stenthalbumwasreleased,andwhenhereturnedtoNewYorktopromoteitonbothmorningandlate-nighttalkshows,hewasaskedrepeatedlyabouttheCheesemonger,discusseditwarmly,andnevermentionedme.Evenworse,heandAnnabelLilywerephotographedhangingouttogetherontwoseparateoccasions.Oneafternoon,theywentwindow-shoppinginSoHo,andthenextday,theyhaddinneratasushirestaurantintheEastVillage.Thatnight,hewasseenleavingherapartmentaround11p.m.ItwasHenriettawhoalertedme,textingafterthefirstroundofphotosshoweduponline,Whataretheythinking????Andthen,asifIdidn’tunderstand,PoorDanny!!!
ImasochisticallycontinuedtogoogleNoahforafewweeks,andtherewasn’tanymoredocumentationofhimwithAnnabel.Thoughthephotoshadbeenaccompaniedbydisavowalsfromunnamedsources,meaningtheirpublicists(“NoahandAnnabelarejustoldfriends”),anotherdinerattheJapaneserestauranthadnotedtheir“flirtyvibe”(“Theywerereallyenjoyingeachother”),andtheepisodesseemedpatentlystaged.Imean,window-shopping—didanyonedothatinreallife?Andforfuck’ssake,justgettakeoutsushi!ButIcouldn’thavesaidifalbumpromotionwasthepointandcrueltywasthebyproductorifexploringasincereattractionwasthepointandalbumpromotionwasthebyproduct.
ThefourththingthathappenedwasthatVivandDr.Theobecamearealcouple,along-termcouple,though,asshetoldmelater,theydidn’thavesexthatfirstnight.Theydidgohometogether,andtheydidsleepinthesamebed,buttheyactuallyslept,afterwhatVivjokinglybutecstaticallydescribedasheavypetting.
ItwaswithVivandDr.TheothatI’dlefttheafter-after-partynotlongafterNoah’sdeparture.WeallclimbedintothesecondrowoftheEscalade,withVivinthemiddle,andasIfastenedmyseatbelt,IleanedforwardandsaidtoDr.Theo,“Howareyouholdingup?”
“NotsureI’vebeenawakeatthistimesinceIwasaresident,butI’mhanginginthere.”
Vivsaid,“ShouldwepopintoBellevueandyoucandeliverababyforoldtimes’sake?”
“I’lltakearaincheckonthat.”
Thedriverpulledintothestreet,andlessthanaminutehadpassedwhenIheardarhythmicbreathing,aquietersoundthansnoring,andwhenIleanedforwardagain,IsawthatDr.Theohadfallenasleep.VivandImadeeyecontact,andshesmiled.
“Ilikehim,”Ihalfwhisperedandhalfmouthed.
“Ido,too,”shewhisperedback.
“YouknowtheDannyHorstRule?”Isaidquietly.“Doyoubelieveit?”
“No,”shesaidimmediately.
“Really?”
“Forsureourcultureisobsessedwithhowwomenlook,andwe’veallbeeninfected.Butattheindividuallevel,peoplearewayfreakierthanweacknowledge.Attractionhastodowithsomanythingsbesidesappearance.”Afterapause—wewereheadedupFDRDrive,nearlyemptyatthishour,ridingalongsidethedarkswathoftheEastRiver,beyondwhichthelightsofBrooklynwerevisible—Vivsaid,“WouldyourathermarryDannyorAnnabel?”
“DefinitelyDanny,”Isaid.
“Right?Becausehoteventuallygetsboring,butfunnyneverdoes.”
“Withyou,thepersonwon’thavetochoose,”Isaid.“They’llgetfunnyandhot.”
“Iknow.”Vivpointedtoherleft,whereDr.Theoslept,and,inthesameloweredtonewe’dbeenspeakingin,said,“Luckydude.”
Ihesitatedbeforesaying,“OnTuesdaynight,IhelpedNoahBrewsterwithhissketch.Herandomlyshowedupinmyoffice,anditwasjustthetwoofusforaboutanhour,beforeAutumncameandfoundhimagain.Afterthat,allthisweek,Ikeptfeelingliketherewaschemistrybetweenus.ThenI’dthink,it’simpossible.There’snoway.”
“Ofcourseit’spossible,”Vivsaid.WewerepassingthelandingoftheEastTwentiethStreetferrywhenshesaid,“You’relikeRomanHoliday.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Noahsneakingawayfromhishandlers.He’sAudreyHepburnandyou’reGregoryPeck.”
“Ha,”Isaid.“Thatdidn’toccurtome.”Afterafewseconds,Iadded,“Butiftherewaschemistry,Ifuckedituptonight.AtBlosca,wewerehavingaweirdlysoul-baringconversation,andIpanickedandsaidsomethingmeanabouthimdatingtwenty-two-year-oldmodels.”
“Why’dyoudothat?”
“Ihavenoidea,”Isaid,andIbegantocry.
Vivdidn’treply.Instead,shetookmylefthandinherrightoneandheldit,andthedriverkeptheadingupFDRDrive,pastthebuildingsononesideandtheriverontheother,atthisquiethour,onthisspringnight,ontheislandofManhattan.OnViv’sotherside,Dr.Theocontinuedtobreathedeeply.CHAPTER2
July2020from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul20,2020,11:42PM
subject:Actually
Isthisstillyou?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul21,2020,8:04AM
subject:Actually
Yes,thisisstillme.
(Okay,myinnerEnglishmajorisexperiencingalotofturmoilrightnow.IwantyoutoknowthatIknowthat,grammatically,Sentence1shouldbe“ThisisstillI,”butIalsodon’twantyoutothinkI’muptight.HaveIsuccessfullysplitthedifference?Relatedly:Asakid,Ithoughtturmoilwasakindofoil,likeanalternativetocanola.)
Hopeyou’rehanginginthereduringthis,um,deadlyglobalshitshow.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul21,2020,1:36PM
subject:Actually
UntilIwasinfifthgrade,Ithoughtnoodlesweremadeoutofcheese.Inmydefense,noodlesmadeoutofcheesemightbekindagood.
Asforgrammar,I’llacceptbothmeandI.It’scapitalizingSentencethat’sconfusing.Thenagainanyonewhoisn’tanignoramuswoulddefertotheexpertiseofthepersonwhograduatedfromafancycollegeevenifthecollegewasn’tHarvard.Wait…isignoramusanoffensiveterm?
AreyouinN.Y.?Notthatyouasked,butI’minL.A.from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul21,2020,7:04PM
subject:Actually
IjustgoogledignoramusandIstilldon’tknow.ButyourememberplentyofpeoplebelieveTNO’smissionistooffend,right?Afterthefirstepisodeofthisyear,beforeweallrealizedwe’dhaveawholenewsetofproblemstoworryabout,ahigh-uppersonattheDNCtweetedabouthowasketchI’djustwrittenwastheapotheosisoftwentysomethings’politicalapathy.Assomeoneturning39inOctober,Itookthetwentysomethingpartasacompliment.ButtwentysomethingsaretheleastapatheticpeopleIknow!They’retheoneswhousemetalstraws.TheyweregoingtoBLMprotestsbeforeeveryonewasgoingtoBLMprotests.(HaveyougonetoanyBLMproteststhissummer?)Anyway,youshouldn’tlooktomeasanarbiterofwhat’sappropriate.
AndI’mactuallyin(steelyourselfforglamourahead)KansasCity,Missouri.Inmychildhoodbedroom.Livingwithmy81-year-oldstepdadandhisbeagleSugar.Theglamourneverstops!I’msheepishaboutbeingoneofthosepeoplewhofledNewYork,butaftereverythingshutdown,IstartedtofeellikeIwaslosingmymind(likekindofforreal,notasahyperbolicexpression).How’sLA?
Noodlesmadeoutofcheesewouldbefantastic.Youcouldfrythemanddiptheminmarinarasauceand—ohshit,IthinkIjustinventedmozzarellasticks!Btwdorandomstrangerseverwritetoyouafterguessingyoursurprisinglyobviousemailaddress?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul22,2020,10:36PM
subject:Actually
Iturn39evensoonerthanyou,on9/5.I’mnotsurehowsomeonecelebratesabirthdayduringa“deadlyglobalshitshow”butmaybebyusingametalstrawandeatingnoodlesmadeofcheeseinthesamemeal?Somanypossibilities!
OK,speakingofthepandemic…inallseriousness,thisbringsmetowhyIfirstemailedyou.Didyouwonder?Ifyoudid,itwasniceofyoutoactlikeitwasn’tweirdandoutoftheblue.
So…IhadCovidinFebruary.First,IwillinsertadisclaimerabouthowIshouldn’tcomplainbecauseofhowprivilegedIam…thenIwillsayitwasfuckingawful.Foralmost3weeks,Icouldn’tcatchmybreath,hadtheworstcoughofmylife,wasexhausted,soreallover,constantheadache.Inadditiontofeelinglikehell,IwasterrifiedthatImightneverbeabletosingagain,oratleastnotlikebefore.I’mluckythatthisdidn’tprovetobethecase,butforsomeonelikeme,anythingthatmesseswithvoiceandbreathisveryscary.AsItypethisallout,itoccurstomemaybeyou’vealsohaditandaresayingtoyourself,whatababy!Ihopeyouhaven’thadit.
Butbeingsickgavemetimetothinkabout…tobehonest…alotofthings.OnewasmyweekatTNOin2018,specificallyworkingwithyou,andhowthingstookakindabadturnbetweenusattheend.Iregretthat,andIwanttoofficiallysayI’msorry.Ithinkyou’recoolandsmartandIcouldhaveimaginedushangingoutafterthatweekandthen…well,obviouslythatdidn’thappen.Butmaybeitshouldhave,youknow?
Toansweryourquestions:
–IdidattendaBLMprotest.IwentbackandforthbeforehandbecauseIdidn’twanttodoitinaperformativeway,butIdecideditwasmoreimportanttojustgoandletthechipsfallintermsofpotentiallyhavingmymotivesquestioned…itwouldn’tbethefirstorlasttime.Itoldthepeoplethathandlemysocialsnottopostaboutit,althoughIthinksomepicsdidenduponline.Didyouattendany?
–Yes,afewtimesayearIgetemailsfromrandomstrangersthatsayeitherI’myourbiggestfanever,canIhave$500formysurgery,oryourmusicsucks.Ionceheardfromaguywhowantedhismoneybackformylatestalbumandhewentintoalotofdetailaboutwhy.Hemadesomefairpoints,soIemailedbackFine,dude,tellmeyourusernameonVenmoandI’llreimburseyouthetenbucks.Ineverheardfromhimagain.
Iadmitthatmyemailaddressisunimaginative,butdon’tIgetpartialcreditforstickingmymiddleinitialinthere?Doesanyoneevertellyouthatyouremailaddresskindareadsas“smiles”…whichIassumeisexactlywhatyou’dhavepickediflefttoyourowndevices.Speakingofemail,IthinkthisisthelongestoneI’vewrittensincetheearly2000s!from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul23,2020,11:27AM
subject:Actually
Firstofall,I’msorryyouweresosick.Thatsoundsterrible.Areyoucompletelybetternowordoyouhavethoselingeringsymptoms?Didyouhavesomeonetotakecareofyou?WereyouinLAthen?Ihaven’thadCovid,orifIdid,Ididn’tknowit,whichisextraluckybecauserightafterTNOproductionshutdown,abunchofpeoplegotit,includingHenrietta,Henrietta’swifeLisa(whoisnoweightmonthspregnant),andViv(whobycoincidenceisalsonoweightmonthspregnant).Forsomereason,Viv’shusband,who’sadoctor,didn’tgetit.Viv,Lisa,andHenriettaallseemfinenow,thoughIknowthey’reworriedaboutthepotentialeffectsofCovidinutero.Vivisalsounderstandablyanxiousaboutherdelivery.IconfessthatIdidn’tknowuntilshetoldmethatit’strueevenacrossclasslinesthatBlackwomenandtheirbabiesaremuchlikeliertodieinchildbirthbecauseofracism/badhealthcare.
RegardingBLMprotests,Ialsowenttoone—youmightknowtheywereintensehere,andsomewereveryclosetomystepdad’shouse—butit’ssafetosaynobodycaredenoughaboutmypresencetopostpicsofmeonline.Ontheonehand,Ifinditsoweirdandawkwardthatwhitepeopleandwhite-ledcompanieswokeuponedayanddecidedtoadmitthatracismexists.Ontheotherhand,Iguessbetter(400years)latethannever?VivtoldmethatafterGeorgeFloydwaskilled,shewasgettingcheck-insfromrandomwhiteacquaintancesbeinglike,Howareyou?No,really,how??andshewaslike,well,I’mexhaustedfromgrowingahumaninmyuterus,butIdon’tthinkthat’swhatyoumean.(Sidenote:OfcourseInewlyworrythatI’moneoftherandomwhiteladiespresuminggreaterclosenesswithVivthanshefeels,butI’msureashellnotgoingtoaskherforreassurancenow.I’vebeenwonderingaboutasketchalongthelinesof“Yourhandwringingwillnotprotectyou.”Likeaboutthephenomenonofwhitewomenbelievingthatthemereactofexpressingourdiscomfortorguiltgetsusoffthehook.WhoknowswhatbeingatTNOthiscomingseasonwilllooklike—there’sarumorwe’llhavedailytests—butlastweekIsignedthecontracttogobackformytwelfth[!!]year.)
AsfortheendofyourweekatTNO,althoughIappreciateyourapology,youwererightabouteverything.(It’spossibleI’veneverbeforewrittenthosewordstoanyonesopleaseenjoythem.)I’vealsothoughtalotaboutthatweek,andI’vealsofeltbadaboutit.Therealityisthatyoudon’towemeanapology,andIdooweyouone.Whenyoucalledmeout,itwasjustified.WhatIsaidtoyouinthatbarwasrude.I’mtrulysorry.
Iswriting(andIimaginereceiving)yourlongestemailsincetheearly2000sabadorgoodthing?Inhonoroftheearly2000s,areyoualsofrettingabouttheY2KcomputerglitchandwearingoneofthoseyellowLivestrongjerseys?Iam,ofcourse,wearingmyyellowjerseyrightnow.ThebreezynylonkeepsmecoolinthehumidMissourisummer.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul23,2020,3:50PM
subject:Actually
WhatanhonortoreceivetheinauguralSallyMilz“Ithinkyouwererightabouteverything”declaration!!WoulditbeweirdifIhadthewordstattooedonmyarm?(Haveyougottenanymoreinksincewecomparednotesonthatfront?Ihaven’t,butrememberingyourhamsterstillcracksmeup.)
It’sfuckinggreattobewritingandreceivinglongemails!Don’tgetmewrong,it’sveryintimidatingtowritetoaTNOwriter,butit’salsosofunthateventhoughI’mprobablymakingallkindsofpunctuationmistakes,I’mwonderingifthethingI’vebeenmissingalltheseyearsisapenpal.Inallseriousness,thisisthequietestmylifehasbeenintwodecadesandit’sreallynicetoconnectwithanotherperson.IsometimesusedtowishIcouldhitpauseforsixmonthsorayearandnowit’sliketheuniversecalledmybluff.No,Iamnotself-centeredenoughtothinkIcausedaglobalpandemic,butstill…becarefulwhatyouwishfor.
Toansweryourquestion,Iwasinthemiddleofan18citytourinFeb,camebacktoL.A.,andhavebeenheresince.Ithinkit’safamiliarstoryatthispoint,butwedidashowinSanAntoniothatfeltprettynormal,thenextnightwasHoustonandtherewasastrangeenergyintheair,twonightslaterwasNewOrleansandbythetimeIwentonstageIknewwewerepostponingtherestofthetour.Thougheventhatnightwedidthemeetandgreetandalltheusualstuff…soIprobablyshouldn’thavebeensurprisedwhenIgotsickaweeklater.
Iamabitsheepish,touseyourword,aboutthis,butIhaveahousekeeper/chefandacaretakerwholivewithmeintheirownsectionofthehouse,abovethegarage,andaremarriedtoeachother.ThenIhaveaP.A.whodoesnotlivewithme.TheyalllookedoutformewhenIwassickinawayIwillbeforevergratefulfor.Noneofthemgotsick…Margit(thehousekeeper)leftfoodoutsidemybedroomdoorandwedidn’tinteractmuch,butitwasreassuringtohavepeoplecheckingthatIwasalive.
Ihopethisisn’ttooweirdofaquestion,butwhat’sa“dayinthelife”foryounow?Areyoulivingwithanyonebesidesyourstepdadandhisdog?CongratsonsigningonforanotherTNOseason!Irememberyoutellingmein2018thatyouthoughtyou’dleaveinayearortwo,butitsoundslikeyouchangedyourmind.DidyouconsiderstayinginKansasCity?
So…I’mscaredtobroachthissubjectbutsinceitseemslikewearebeinghonest…thethingIknowIshouldapologizeforishangingoutwithAnnabelL.thatweekaftertheshow.I’mnotsureifIoweyouorDannyHorstanapology,butitwasn’tcoolonmypart.TherewasnothinggoingonbetweenAnnabelandme,butIknowitmayhavelookedliketherewasand…well…IwishIcouldgobackandchangethatimpression.(I’msweatingbulletsherebecauseone,thistopic!Andtwo,Ifirstwrote“AnnabelandI”butthe47grammarwebsitesIjustcheckedsuggestedtheotherway.ButI’mstillnotsure.)
Ibetyoulookawesomeinyouryellowjersey.I’veheardthosenevergooutofstyle.from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul23,2020,7:40PM
subject:Actually
It’sweirdlygratifyingthatI’veinfectedyouwithmygrammaranxiety.Sorry?Congratulations?
Itactually(actuallyactuallyactually)couldbeafunnysketchtohavevariouspeopleexplainingwhytheythinktheypersonallycausedthepandemic.You’renotthefirstpersonI’veheardexpressthissentiment.Themominthefamilywholivesnextdoortomystepdadtoldmeher11-year-olddaughterwasworriedshehadcauseditbytellingthemomshetraveledtoomuchforwork,andHenrietta’sfather-in-lawtoldherhefeltlikehecauseditbecausehewasdreadingaretirementpartybeingheldforhimattheendofMarch.Imean,clearly,thecombinationofthe11-year-old,Henrietta’sfather-in-law,andyouDIDcauseit,andyouowetheentireworldanapology.IthadnothingtodowithabatatamarketinWuhan.
OneoftheweirdthingsaboutworkingforTNOisthatit’ssuchafeastorfamineschedule—eitheraninety-hourweekorIdon’tevengototheofficeforweeksorfortheentiresummer.Beforethingsshutdown,IwouldhavesaidthatI’mexcellentatkeepingmyselfbusyoutsidetheshow,butmaybethepandemichascalledallofourbluffs.
IwouldNEVERstaypermanentlyinKansasCity.Irealizethatmightsoundsnobbyandthatsmart,interestingpeopleliveeverywhereandallthatshitbutstill—never.Evenwhenthere’snotapandemic,restaurantsareclearedoutby7:45atnight,thesidewalksallareempty,andsure,thereAREsmart,interestingpeopleherebutnotintheproportionsthereareinNY.Thatsaid,knowingthatI’mstayingwithJerryandSugartemporarilymakesitpleasant,ifslow-paced.Jerryisverynice,veryproper,andconsidersthingslikeemailandoatmilktobecuttingedge.Sugarisnotatallproper,especiallywhenrequestingbellyrubs.ThisisbyfarthemosttimeJerryandIhavespentalonetogether,and75%ofwhatwediscussisSugar.Iwas10whenmymommarriedJerry(mybiologicaldad,whowasaprettytroubledguy,diedwhenIwas8—astoryforanothertime).WhenJerrymovedinwithus,I’dbeensleepinginmymom’sbedsincemydad’sdeath,andthewayshegotmetoreturntomybedroomwasbygivingmemyownTV.WhichwashowIbegansneak-watchingTNOasafifthgrader.SomaybeIowemycareertoJerry?
ThisisADayintheLifeofPandemicSally(inexchangeformysubjectingyoutothis,youareobligatedtosubjectmetoaDayintheLifeofPandemicNoah):
7:Wakeupbeforeitgetstobe99degrees,takeSugarforalongwalk,beshockedbyhowlightitis,howmanyotherhumansareupandat’emthisearly
8:Backhome,shower,coffee,sitdownatthewickerdeskofmyadolescence,openlaptoptoworkonscreenplay,accidentallyspendthenext4hoursreadingarticlesaboutwhenavaccinewillexistandwhatagainoffunctionmutationis
12:LunchwithJerry,whogetsupat10(whenI’mnotherehewakesupat6towalkSugarandgoesbacktobed)thenreadsTheKansasCityStarcovertocoverfortwohourswhiledrinkingasinglecupofcoffeeandsavoringasinglebowlofRaisinBran.Literally,heputshisbreakfastbowlinthedishwasherandpullsouthislunchplatefromthecupboard.Forlunchwehavebaloneysandwichesonwhitebreadwithmayonnaiseandlettuce.Funfact:I’vebeenapescatarianforsevenyears.ButisbaloneyREALLYmeat?
12:30-4:45:Pretendtowritescreenplay,readmorearticlesaboutanosmiaandcytokinestorms
5:Online“ChairYogaforSeniors”withJerryinthelivingroom.Theinstructorisafoxysixty-year-oldnamedMarie,andJerrywouldneverinamillionyearsdiscussthiswithme,butIthinkhehasatinycrushonher.Nottobrag,butasanon-senior(ajunior?),IeschewthechairinChairYoga.
5:30:JerryfixesaManhattanforhimselfandagrapefruitseltzerwaterontherocksforme,grillsaporksteakforhimselfandaveggieburgerforme,andweeatonthebackdeckifit’snottoohot.Inthatcase,weusuallyenduptalkingtothefamilynextdoor(thedaughtersare9and11,andthe11-year-oldistheonewhocausedthepandemicbytellinghermomshetraveledtoomuchforwork).Theyaskuslotsofquestionslike“Ifyoucouldeatonlyonefoodfortherestofyourlife,whatwoulditbe?”and“IfSugarspokehuman,whatdoyouthinkshe’dsay?”
6:30:AnotherlongwalkforSugar.Forthisone,IusuallytalktoViv,Henrietta,orboth.Vivisinthecity—herhusbandisstillseeingpatients,whichunderstandablymakesherworry—butHenriettaandherwifehaverentedaplaceupstate.
7-9:I’mJerry’stourguidethroughtheGoldenAgeofTelevision.Itrytofindshowshewouldn’tknowaboutthatmightexpandhishorizonsbutwon’thorrifyhim.Yes:dramassetintheEnglishcountryside,wholesomerealityshowcompetitions,sit-comsaboutpeoplewhoaren’twhiteorstraight.No:datingrealityshows,fast-pacedandextremelyironicmillennialorGenZshows.Whenhedoesn’tlikesomething,hesays,“There’salotgoingon,isn’tthere?”Whenhedoeslikeit,hesaysitwas“veryinteresting”or“veryamusing.”
9:15:Jerryretirestohisroom,Icanhearhimputtering,Igotomyroom,tworoadsdivergeandItrytotaketheonelesstraveledbyputtingawaymylaptopandphoneandpullingoutabook.Isucceedaboutathirdofthetime.
Midnight:Lightsout,peacefulslumber.Justkidding,lightsoutthenlogistical,corporeal,andspiritualpanic.
Lather,rinse,repeat!
HaveyoueverbeentoMissouri?AlsohaveyoueverhadapenpaloramI,um,yourfirst?
(Re:Annabeletc.,Iappreciateyourhonesty.Idon’tthinkthere’smuchpointinhavingapandemicpenpalifyou’renotgoingtobehonest.IactuallyjusttypedawholeotherparagraphhereaboutAnnabelandlifeandmyexistentialconfusion,butI’vedecidedtospareusbothanddeletedit.It’swaterunderthebridge.Ifthismakesyoufeelbetter,DannyisnowhappilydatingNigel’sdaughterLucy,whorecentlygraduatedfromBrown,worksinpublishing,andispredictablygorgeousyetoddlydown-to-earth.I’mrootingforthemasacoupleandalsorootingforNigeltoofficiallybecomeDanny’squasi-Jewishquasi-dad.)from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul24,2020,1:49AM
subject:Actually
OfcourseI’vebeentoMissouri!I’veplayedafewtimesatSprintCenterinK.C.,theChaifetzinSt.Louis,andyearsagoattheBlueNoteinColumbia,MO,whichisacoolsmallerspace(Ibelieveaformermovietheater).Ican’tsayI’vespenttonsoftimeexploringKansasCity,butIdidvisitthemuseumwiththehugebadmintonbirdiesculpturesonthelawn.Ontour,ifthereistimeapartfromsoundcheckandmediastuff,Itrytodoonelocalthing,evenifit’sjustameal.ButIalsotrynottobeunhealthy,andeatingthelocalspecialtywhilenoteatingunhealthilycanbeatodds.
Sortofonthistopic…Iknowthisisaloadedquestioncomingfromme,butwhatwouldyousayisyourrelationshipwithdrinkingandalcohol?Youmentionedhaving“grapefruitseltzerwaterontherocks”whenyourstepdadhasacocktail,althoughIamundertheimpressionyousometimesdrink.Incasethisdoesn’tgowithoutsaying,Irealizedrinkingbutnottoexcessisanormalpartoflifeforlotsofpeople…thoseenviablywell-adjustedpeople!
YourstepdadsoundslikeagreatguyandIbethe’sreallygladyou’rethere.Ilookforwardtohearingmoreaboutyourbiologicaldadoryourmomifyoueverwanttoshareit.Unfortunately,Idonothaveaverygoodrelationshipwithmyparents.Wedon’tfight,butwearen’tclose.Undernormalcircumstances,Iseethemaboutonceayear,andItalktothemonthephoneeveryfewmonths.Ihavetriedtomakepeacewithwhotheyare(IrememberyouandIdiscussedthatIhavebenefitedalotfromtherapy,andcertainlyinthisarea).TheystillliveinArlington,Virginia,andthey’rebothretired,butmydadwasataxlawyerandmymomworkedinadmissionsataK-8privateschool.TheyareWASPsineverysense(read:snobs),andthey’vealwaysseenmycareerasdistastefulbecauseofbeingsopublic.Plus,theythinkthemusicindustryandL.A.arefilledwithunsavorypeople.Evenbeforethepandemic,theyledaveryinsularlifeofplayingtennisattheircountryclub,drinksanddinnerswithasmallgroupoffriends,andspendingthesummersinMaine.Obviously,Idon’thaveanythingtocomplainabout,andthereareclearadvantagesIhavehadintermsofmyeducationevenifIsquanderedthechancetoattendcollege,andintermsofthefinancialsafetynetunderme.Butmostofallthere’stheadvantageofbelievingtherewouldbeaplaceintheworldformymusic.BecauseIwasashy,freakygothweirdoasateen,ittookmeyearstocoptotheentitlementorevenarroganceinherentinthinkingyouhavetherighttopursueandshareyourart.Itturnsoutadisproportionatenumberofpeopleinthemusicindustrygrewupprivileged,andmanyofthemwillgotogreatlengthstomakeyouthinkotherwise.Forsure,therearealsoalotofmusicianswhoovercameobstacles,includingnomoney,andthosepeopleareusuallymoretalentedandmuchmoreenjoyabletohangoutwith.
Ihopethisisn’talltoomuchinformation.IfoundyourdescriptionofyourstepdadsointerestingthatIthoughtIwouldtrytogiveacomparabledescription.OnethingIamveryluckyaboutisthatIreallydoconsidermysisterVickytobeoneofmybestfriends.ShewastherewhenIhostedTNO,andyoutwometbriefly.Ourparentsdisapproveofherinadifferentwayfromhowtheydisapproveofme(she’sasocialworkerwhohelpskidsinfostercarefind“foreverfamilies,”whichtomemakesheraherowhiletomyparentssheisprioritizingotherpeople’skidsoverherown—mynephewJonahissixandmynephewBillyisfour—plussheisdivorced,whichtheyalsoareridiculouslyjudgmentalabout).VickyandIcoordinateourannualvisittoourparentssowecanbuffereachother.
ShouldIaskwhatyourscreenplayisaboutordoesageniusnotrevealthedetailsofherworkinprogress?Iassumeit’saromanticcomedyandthatitfeaturesanIndigoGirlssongattheclimacticmoment,butareyouwillingtosaywhathappensinitbeyondthat?Iamgladtonowknowthatthesecrettobecominganaward-winningTNOwriterisgettingyourownTVin5thgrade!IguessoneofthereasonsIhadtogointomusicisthatIdidn’thavemyownTVuntiladulthood.
Asforadayinthelife…yoursisalotmoreinterestingbetweendogs,chairyoga,andwittyneighbors,butheregoes:
9AM:wakeup
10AM:attheriskofseeminglikeaclichéagain,mytrainerBobbycomesM/W/F.Wedoallourworkoutsoutsideandstaysixfeetapart.WestoppedforawhileinMarch-April,butformepersonallyworkingoutissuchanimportantwayofmaintaininganevenkeelwithregardtosobrietyandeverythingelse.
1PM:lunch,thenIcatchuponemailsorworkstuff,whichhasslowedalot.Inthelastfewmonths,Ihavedonesomeonlinefundraisers,includingthatnotoriouslyglitchyoneinlateApril.
4PM:eithergoforahiketofightcabinfeveroroccasionallysomefriendscomeover.ThereareafewguyswhoIammessingaroundinasideprojectbandwith.Oneoftheguys(twooftheseven“guys”arewomen)isErikVentrescafromFrontalPlumage,we’vetalkedaboutworkingtogetherforyears,butfornowwejustjaminatotallylowpressureway.AlthoughIhaveastudioatmyhouse,forobviousreasons,Icarryeverythingoutside,includingamps.We’vedonethisfiveorsixtimes,andit’sbeenasalvation.I’dmeetupeverydayiftheycould,buttherestofthemhavefamilies…includingkidsdoingonlineschool.
8PM:asmentioned,MargitcooksmostofmymealsbutIhavebeencookingmorethanIdidinthepast.NowthatIknowyou’reapescatarian,maybesomedayIwillmakemypan-searedsalmonforyou.Doyouliketocook?
AboutAnnabel…yes,absolutelyonwaterunderthebridge.ButIamintriguedbyyourmissingparagraphofexistentialconfusion.Iloveexistentialconfusion!ThatmissingparagraphremindsmeofthemissingWatergatetapes.(I’mtryingtoimpressyouwithhistoricpoliticalreferencesbecausethatseemslikesomethingaTNOwriterwouldbeinto.Isitworking?)
You’remyfirstpenpal!AmI,um,yourfirst?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul24,2020,10:22AM
subject:Actually
Okay,IhaveALOTofquestions!Wereyoureallyashyfreakygothteenoristhatwhatyoutellpeopleoutofmodesty?Doyouworkoutforthreehoursaday?!Whatkindofmusicdoesyoursideprojectbandplay?Butaboveall,howcanyourparentsnotbesoproudandimpressedthatyouareasuper-talentedandsuccessfulmusicianbelovedbymillionsofpeoplearoundtheworld?That’sbatshitcrazy!Inhisheartofhearts,mystepdaddoesn’tevenfindTNOfunny(it’sinthe“There’salotgoingon,isn’tthere?”categoryforhim),andhe’llstilltellanyonewho’lllistenthatI’mawriterthere.ThebestpartisthathereferstoitasTheNightOwl,singular,insteadofTheNightOwls.
Maybethisisthemomenttoconfessthatsince2018,I’velistenedtoyourmusicalot.Like,evenbeforeyouemailedmeafewdaysago.ItmightbeatinybittruethatwhenyouhostedTNO,Iwasn’tasfamiliarwithyournon-greatesthitsasIcouldhavebeen,butI’venowgonebacksofarandsodeepthatImightevenknowthesongsyouforgotwriting.(Haveyouforgottenwritingcertainsongs?I’veforgottenwritingcertainsketches,althoughifsomeonementionedthem,I’dremember.It’snotunlikeahighschoolclassmatethatyoudon’tseefor22yearsthenspotinthecerealaisleofHy-Veeafteryou’vemovedhomeduringapandemicandyourecognizeVinnyKaplanimmediately,butsinceyou’rebothwearingmasksyoujustslinkawayandyou’reprettysureVinnydidn’tnoticeyoubutmaybehewaspretendingexactlylikeyouwere.)Anyway,attheriskofsoundinglikeacringeyfangirl,itturnsoutyou’reagreatmusician!Whoknew?!Besideseveryone??
I’mnotsurewhetherageniusrevealsthedetailsofherscreenplay,butIdorevealthedetailsofmine(toaselectfew).It’saboutasingleSupremeCourtJusticewhofallsinlovewithalawyerwhoregularlyarguescasesinfrontofher.Ormaybeit’saboutasingleadvertisingexecwhooverseesacatfoodbrandandfallsinlovewiththesingleadvertisingexecwhooverseesthedogfoodbrand.Ormaybetheothersingleadvertisingexecoverseestherivalcatfoodbrand?Or,well,welcomeintomybrain.Severaltimes,I’vewrittenabouttenpages(probablynotacoincidencethatthat’stheaveragelengthofaTNOsketch)beforeIstartquestioningnotjustthepremiseofthescreenplaybutallthelifechoicesI’veevermadeuptonow,abandoningthatidea,andstartingover.BtwtheothersecrettobecomingaTNOwriter,besidesgettingyourownTVinfifthgrade,isbeingobsessedwithMadLibs.DidyoulikeMadLibs?Infourthgrade,myfriendsandIweredoingthemonthebusridebackfromafieldtriptoanaturecenterand,tothisday,nothinghasevermademelaughmorethanthesentence“IwassohappythatIcouldn’twipethesmileoffmypenis.”
I’membarrassedthatyourememberwhenIsaidI’dbeleavingTNOsoonerratherthanlater.Thetruthisthatit’sprobablytimeformetogo,butwithalltheotheruncertaintynow,Iwastoochicken.Plus,sellingscreenplaysisafarlessreliablepaycheckthanwritingforaweeklyshow.I’mnotthateagertoworkinatypicalwriters’room—thefreedomandcrazinessandinstantgratificationofTNOmayhavespoiledmeforlife—althoughmaybeIshouldtryitbeforeIdecide.NowthatthereareZoomwriters’rooms,IcouldtheoreticallyremaininKansasCitywhilejoiningoneinNYorLA,whichsoundsliketheworstofbothworlds?
ThefullstoryofmydeparturefromthecityisthatIlastedabouttwoweeksafterthingsshutdown.Myapartment(ontheUpperWestSide)isprettysmallanddark,andambulanceswereracingpastatallhours.Iwasn’tinteractingwithanyoneandIwasn’teatingthatmuchbecauseIdidn’twanttogooutandbuyfood,butIalsofeltuncomfortableaskingsomedeliveryguytobringittome.(Iwasn’tNOTeating,butIwaseatingweirdshitIfoundinmycupboardlikeproteinbarstwoyearspasttheirBestBydate.Andno,Idon’tliketocook.)Oneeveningafteradayofnotleavingtheapartment,IwaswashingmyhandsinthekitchenbeforeeatingacanofsoupfromwhenObamawasinoffice,Iknockedaknuckleonmyrighthandagainstthefaucetspout,andmyknucklecameawaysmearedwithsomekindofblackgrimeormold.Ibentoverandlookedupattheundersideofthespout,anditwascakedinthisgrime.Ithenwentandlookedatthefaucetinthebathroomanditwasthesame.AndIhaveacleaningpersonwhocomeseveryfewweeks.ButI’dbeendrinkingthewater,usingittobrushmyteeth,etc.andIjustfeltsogrossedoutandlikeI’dbeenholdingmysanitytogethersotenuouslyandfeelingsoworriedaboutgermsandthevirusandwhatitwasorwasn’tonthesurfaceof,andIalmostcouldn’twithstandsimultaneouslyconfrontingCovidandmydisgustingfaucets.(DoyourememberspeculatingafewemailsagoaboutifI’dthinkyouwereababyforfeelingterriblewhenyouhadCovid?Well,babieswholiveinglassplaypens,etc.,etc.)IgotonacarrentalwebsiterightthenandIleftat5a.m.thenextmorning,andIarrivedatJerry’shouseafewminutesbeforemidnightKansasCitytime.BecauseIwasterrifiedofmakinghimsick,Ithensleptinthesemi-finishedbasementfortwoweeks,andIwonderedifleavingNewYorkhadactuallyimprovedanything,butafteralmostfourmonthsofchairyogaandconversationsaboutabeagle,I’msureitISbetter.AlthoughIdon’twanttostayinKCforever,JerryhassuchgoodmannersthatheactslikeI’mdoinghimafavorbybeinghere.Whenreallymyonlycontributionsare1)thegroceryshoppingand2)cuttingSugar’snailsbecausethegroomerhenormallytakeshertohasshutdown.
Btwit’sanawesomeflexthatwhenIaskifyou’veeverbeentoMissouri,youcancasuallybelike,OhsurewhenIplayedinthatstadiumthatholds18,000people.YoumightbeappalledtohearIhaveneverbeentoashowatSprintCenter(whichwasrecentlyrenamedT-MobileCenter),thoughifthisisagoodexcuse,itwasn’tbuiltuntilafterI’dgraduatedfromcollege.DoyouLIKEperforminginstadiums?Isitstressful?Fun?
Ireallyamsorrythatyourparentsaren’tsupportiveofwhatyoudo,andIimaginethatthatwouldbehardandveryhurtful.I’mgladyou’reclosetoyoursister—Iremembermeetingherandthinkingsheseemednice.Regardingmyparents,mydadwasapathologist(akathepeoplewholookatbiopsies,etc.),andalsoadepressivepersonwhoself-medicated(literally)throughtheinadvisableandillegalmethodofwritinghimselfprescriptionsformorphine.Heandmymom,whoworkedinmerchandisingforHallmark(yes,themakerofgreetingcardsandcheesyChristmasmovies,thoughonlythegreetingcarddivisionisheadquarteredinKC)separatedwhenIwasatoddler.Ihavenomemoriesofusalllivingtogether,thoughIdorememberthatwhenmydadcametogetmeforSaturdaylunches,healmostalwaysworekhakipantsandnavybluepoloshirts,withagraysweatshirtoverthemifitwaswinter.Weusuallygothamburgers.EventhoughfromanearlyageIfoundhamburgerstobeadisgustingbumpycircleofmeat,IintuitivelyunderstoodthatIshouldn’texpressmydisgusttohimbecauseitwouldberude.Thatis,IunderstoodIshouldbepoliteasyouwouldwithafamilyfriend,asopposedtomoreblunt,asmostkidswouldbewithaparent.
WhenIwasinsecondgrade,onNovember3,1989,mymompickedmeupearlyfromschoolandtookmetoaparkwherewehadneverbeenandtoldmemydadhaddiedfromtakingtoomuchmedicine.Iassumethelocationwasastrategicdecisionsothatshedidn’truinamorefamiliarplace,includingourhouse.Shetoldmethatwe’dneverknowifhe’dtakentoomuchmedicinebymistakeoronpurposebutthatreallytherewasn’tmuchofadifferencebecauseevenifhe’dtakentoomuchonpurpose,ithadbeenbecausehe’dbelievedmoremedicinewouldmakehimfeelbetter.Iactuallythinkthiswasaprofoundlessonabouthowwithincompleteinformation,wechooseournarrative.Ialsothinkmymombelievedhediditonpurpose,becausebeforeIleftforcollege,shetoldmethatnomatterhowbadIeverfelt,theonethingIshouldn’tdowaskillmyself.Shesaidthatideasthatseemrightinthemomentcanseemwronglater,andthatalotofthingsarereversiblebutkillingyourselfisn’t.Shesaidthismatter-of-factly,notunlikethewaysheusedtosaythatyoudon’tbrushyourteethbecauseit’sinteresting,youbrushyourteethbecauseyouneedtobrushyourteeth(asakid,Icomplainedthatbrushingmyteethwas“boring”).
Isuspectthatmydad’sdemonsarepartofwhatdrewmymothertoJerry’sstabilityandreliability.ButfromthetimeIwasyoung,therewasthiscategoryofthingsmymotherwouldrefertoasMommy-Sallysecrets,likeeatingleftovercakeforbreakfast,orbothofustakingasickdayandhavingapicnicjustbecausetheweatherwasbeautiful,or,eventhoughshedidn’tcurseinfrontofJerry,ifjustsheandIwereinthecarandshethoughtanotherdriverwasbeingunsafe,she’dsayinaquietbutcrispvoice,“Whatafuckingasshole.”Sheconveyedtomewithouteversayingitoutrightthatweallhavepublicandprivateselves,whichalsowasaveryimportantlesson.Oddly,thistiesintowhyI’vebeenthinkingIshouldleaveTNO.Witheverypassingyear,Icanfeelhowthewriterscomingupbehindmeareincreasinglydifferentfromme.This,tobehonest,isanxiety-inducingbutalsorefreshingandappropriateandcycle-of-lifey—like,maybeit’stimeformetomakewayforotherpeople.AndoneofthewaysthatthewritersintheirtwentiesaredifferentisthattheyDON’Tseemtothinkweallhavepublicandprivateselves.They’refinejusthavingpublicselvesandopenlydiscussingtheirmentalhealthissuesandtheirmedicalissuesandtheirsexhabitsandtheirfamilytrauma.Ifinditreallynicetobeabletotalktoyouaboutallthisstuff(or,sofar,someofit),butIwouldn’ttalkaboutitwithmostpeople.Wouldyou?
Regardingmyrelationshipwithalcohol,innormallife,IhaveadrinkortwoattheTNOafter-party,andIdon’tdrinkmuchotherwise—maybeaglassofwineifI’mmeetingVivfordinner,butaftershegotpregnant,whenshedidn’torderone,Ididn’teither.TheonetimebesidestheTNOpartywhenIalwayshaveadrinkisonafirstdate,tocalmmynerves.SoIguessthetruthisthatIdouseitasacrutch,justnotveryoften(oops,didIjustrevealIdon’tgoonfirstdatesveryoften?Bychoice!).Butitseemsveryunderstandablethatyouwonderaboutotherpeople’sdrinkinghabits.
Youactuallyarenotmyfirstpenpal.You’reprobablymybestone,though,oratleastthislittlediversionwehavegoingisveryenjoyable.Doyouthinkit’sbeautifulwhentwopeopleareeachother’sfirsts,ordoyouthinkthatinevitablycreatesawkwardnessandit’sbetterwhenoneismoreexperiencedandcanguidetheother?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul24,2020,3:01PM
subject:Actually
I’m“probably”yourbestpenpal?In“thislittlediversionwehavegoing”?You’rebreakingmyhearthere!Onlykidding,butwhoarealltheseotherpenpalsthatIprobablycomparefavorablyto?Aretheycurrentorpast?DoIneedtofindthemandchallengethemtoaduel?
Inallseriousness,Iamhonoredyou’vebeenenjoyingmymusic.ImightalsosoundlikeacringeyfangirlwhenItellyouthatIthinkIhavewatchedallyoursketches.Andthisalsohappenedinthepast,rightafterIhostedTNO.I’massumingyouknowit’shardtofigureoutwhichsketchesyouwrotebecauseitdoesn’tsayintheshowcreditssoIhadtoventureintosomedeepdarksuperfancaverns.Now,justfortherecord,thisdoesnotmeanIbuyintotheideayourefertowhereIamacelebrityrecognizedfarandwideandyouareanunknown.Youforsurehavefans,evenifyouaren’trecognizedinthegrocerystore(exceptbyVinnyKaplan,whoIamsurenoticedyou,knewyouwerepretendingnottoseehim,andfeltdevastated).ButIknowyouareastarinthecomedyworld.Also,plentyofpeopledon’tknoworcarewhoIam,andfrequentlywhenastrangercomesuptomeinarestaurant(innormaltimes),Ithinktheyareabouttosay“Iloveyourmusic”andwhattheysayis“Youlooksofamiliar…areyoumydentist?”Butmypointisthatyoursketchesarereallyfunny.Althoughit’shardtochoose,theonesthatmademelaughthemostaretheoneabouthowwomensupposedlydon’tfart,theoneabouttheICEagentscelebratingThanksgiving,andthe1950sadsforhousewives.Irespectthatyouarenotafraidtobedarkortoacknowledgetheawkwardnessoflifeinsteadofglossingoveritlikewearealltrainedtodo.ImpressivetothinkyourentirecareerisbuiltonMadLibs!
Thankyouforthekindthingsyouwroteaboutmyparents.Ittookmeawhiletogethere,butItrynottotaketheirjudgmentpersonally.I’mgratefulthatI’vehadamuchwiderrangeofexperiencesandmetmanymorepeoplethantheyhave.Also,it’snotquitefairofmetoclaimthey’recompletelyunsupportive.Yearsago…andwarning,bignamedropahead…IwaspartofpresentingMickJaggerwithanawardbeforejoiningthebandonstagetoplayYouCan’tAlwaysGetWhatYouWant,andIinvitedmyparentsbecausemydadhadbeenahugeStonesfan.Althoughtheycouldn’tattend,Icouldtellhewasimpressed.Unlikemymom,mydadhassomekindnessinsidehimthathehastroubleexpressing(hedoesn’ttalkverymuchoverall)whereasmymomshamelesslytakesdigsatpeople,includingpeopleshegavebirthto.Iamreallysorryaboutyourbiologicalfather,butI’mgladtohearyouhadsuchawonderfulrelationshipwithyourmom.Itseemslikeyouhaveinheritedalotofherwarmthandhumor,andIbetshereallylovedhavingyouasadaughter.
DoIlikeperforminginstadiumsandisitstressful?Thesearegreatquestions.AsyouknowfromTNO,thereisnothingelselikethemagicofacrowdfeelingacollectiveandephemeraljoy,andinthosemoments,whenIamonstagelookingoutatsomanyfaces,Ifeellikeavesselinawaythat’sanincredibleprivilege.Forsure,touringcangetrepetitive…thehotelsandtransportationbutalsotheperforming.YetIknowthatforanyoneintheaudience,itmightbeabignightoutforthem,theticketswerenotcheap,maybetheyhiredababysitterandpaidforparking.SomyjobistobringasmuchenergyinOmahaasattheHollywoodBowl.
Atthispoint,Idon’tusuallyfeelstressedbyshows.Thereareprosandconstohaving“hititbig”early,andonethatmightbebothisthatbynow,evenasIrecognizehowmuchmycareerisaproductofluck,it’stheonlylifeIknowprofessionallyspeaking.Lookingback,IwasinseriousdangerofflamingoutalmostassoonasIgotstarted.Aftermyfirstandsecondalbumscameoutbacktoback,Iwasdrinkingalot,actinglikeajackassinmyearly20s,andgenerallylettingsuccessgotomyhead.InOctober2003,therewasahorribleaccidentinMiamiwheremydrummer,whosenamewasChristopherandwhowasthesweetestguy,felloffadrawbridgeoverBiscayneBay.Thiswasahugewake-upcall,andfollowingChristopher’sfuneral,Ienteredrehabfortwomonths.IstillthinkabouthimeverydayandwishIhadstoppedallofusfromclimbingthebridge.Iconsideredquittingperformingaltogether.Iwasn’tsureiffansorthemediawouldblamemeforChristopher’sdeath,andwhilethisdidn’thappen,Ihavealwaysfeltveryconsciousofbeinggivenasecondchance.
AboutyourquestionofifIworkoutthreehoursaday…Idonotworkoutfrom10AM-1PM,asImayhaveimplied.Iworkoutfrommorelike10AM-11:15AM.Butsincewearebeinghonest,it’squestionablehowhealthymyrelationshipwithexerciseandfoodis.IamproudtosayIhavenotrelapsedwithalcohol(andthankyouforansweringmyquestionaboutdrinkingsostraightforwardly),butIamprettycompulsiveaboutexercising.ThisisnotahumblebragbecauseIdon’tthinkit’sgoodtobecompulsiveaboutanything.IwasscrawnygrowingupandcouldeatwhateverIwanteduntilIwasabout30.Atthatpoint,assoonasIputonsomeweight,Istoppedeatingsugarandwheat.WhenIgotCovid,IlosttoomuchweightsoIdecidedtostarthavingbreadagainlastspringandnow,eventhoughI’vecutoutgrainsagain,Iweigh13lbsmorethanIdidwhenIhostedTNO.DoyourememberthatsketchwhenIwaswearingaverysillyleathervestandshorts?IknewinadvanceImightbeaskedtowearsomethingrevealingfortheshowplusI’dbeonTVandhavingmypicturetakenwhilepromotingmyalbumsoIdidacleansetheweekbefore.Inthepast,Ihavefastedinadvanceofphotoshoots,butnowthatIhavesomedistanceonallofthat,Ithinkit’sahabitIwanttobefinishedwith.I’msurethiswillresultinmelookinglessfit,andpeoplewillmakesnarkycomments,butmaybeIcanlearntobeatpeacewithit
OK…IamseriouslyconsideringdeletingthatlastparagraphbecauseIamscaredofhowvainyouwillthinkIsound…butIalsoamcuriouswhatyourreactionis.Andno,Iabsolutelydonottalkaboutthisstuffwithmostpeople.
Iknowwhatyoumeanaboutgettingolderandhavingadifferentsensibilitythanthepeoplecomingupbehindyou.Ifeelawareofthatwhenitcomestosocialmedia,whichseemspointlesstomeandwhichIdon’tdealwithmyselfbutitissuchapartofthemachinerynow.Anotherweirdthingformethat’sbeentruesincethebeginningisthat,althoughmyrecentalbumsalesarerespectable,it’sclosetoimpossiblethatIwilleveragainreachthesalesofmyfirstalbum(evenaccountingforalltheshiftsinhowmusicissoldduringthelast20years…whichis,asyoumightsay,astoryforanothertime).Earlierinmycareer,thismademeworrythatIwasfailingthepeopleatmylabel,butovertime,ithashelpedmerecognizethattheonethingIcancontrolismymusic…notsales,notmarkettrends,notcriticalreaction.Ijustcantrytoputmybestworkoutthere.
IsweartoyouIwasafreakygoth,andforproofhere’sapictureofmefromage14.Pleaseenjoymywaytoolongbangs,horrible-fittingjeans,andblacknailpolish.Iwasterrifiedofgirls,worshippedTheVelvetUndergroundandTheCure,andhatedhavingtowearacoatandtietomyall-boys’schoolalmostasmuchasIhatedthemandatorysports.
Isupposethestyleofmysideprojectbandis…rockabilly?It’slesspoppythanmysolowork,asI’msureyouwillbesadtohear.IoftenwonderwhenIwillplayagainbeforeacrowd.Imissitlikecrazyandalso,thinkingofpeoplepressedupagainsteachother,sweating,singingatthetopoftheirlungs…it’ssohardtoimaginethateverfeelingnormal.
Ibeteveryversionofyourscreenplayisgreat.Ican’twaituntilI’minatheaterwatchingamovieyouwrote.from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul24,2020,7:22PM
subject:Actually
You’redefinitelymybestpenpal!Withoutquestion!Iwasjusttryingtoplayitcool.
Therehavebeen3others:
Penpal1(4th-6thgrade/1992-1994)—FrejaMikaelssonwholivedinGothenburg,Sweden.Mymom’scollegeroommatemarriedaSwedishman,andthemomscookedupthisideathattheirdaughters,whowerethesameage,shouldwritetoeachother.IhaveahunchthemainreasonwasforFrejatopracticeherEnglishwhiletheonlySwedishIeverlearnedwas“Howareyou?”and“Iamfine,thankyou.”Forawhile,FrejaandIcorrespondedalot—mostlystufflike“Myfavoritecolorisyellow”and“Idonothaveanypetsbutwouldlikearabbit”—butiteventuallypeteredout.SomeofherlettersmightstillbeinaboxinJerry’sbasement,butthebasementis,shallwesay,notoptimallyorganized.
Penpal2(freshmanyearofcollege/fall2000)—MartinBiersch.IwenttohighschoolwithMartin(nottobeconfusedwithVinnyKaplanoftheHy-Veecerealaisle)andonenighttheAugustafterwegraduated,abunchofpeoplewerehangingoutatthepoolatmyfriendErin’shouse.IguessyoucouldsayMartinandIhadamoment,andthoughwe’dbarelyspokeninfouryearsofhighschool,westartedemailingeachotherafterIwenttoDukeandhewenttotheUofMissouri,akaMizzou(notsureifheeverwenttoseeanyshowsattheBlueNotebutI’veheardit’sacoolspace,possiblyaformermovietheater).MartinandIemailedeachothereveryfewdaysfromlateAug/earlySepttoThanksgivingbreak.Ouremailsweren’texplicitlyromanticbuttheyweren’texplicitlynotromanticeither(suchthingscanbemurky,right?).AndthenwebothwerebackinKCforThanksgivingbreakandtherewasthisparticularbarthatpeoplefrommyhighschoolusedtogotothenightbeforeThanksgivingbecausetheyservedyouwithoutanID.WhenMartinandIsaweachotherthere,itwasprobablythemostawkwardinteractionofmyentirelife.Like,Icouldbarelyspeak.Andsameforhim.Lookingback,Ithinktheawkwardnesswasbecausewhateverthedynamicwasbetweenuswasunclear—neitherofusknewifitwasmorefriendlyorflirty—andalso,andIdon’tmeantobeglibonthistopic,I’mprettysurewewerebothtotallysober(Idefinitelywas).Weinteractedforaboutsixminutes,mostintotalsilence(IthinkItalkanaverageamountnow,butIwasextremelyquietthroughcollege,andMartinwasaquietguy,too)andthenIsaidIhadtogotothebathroomandwehaven’tspokenoremailedsince.Doyouthinkhe’sstillwaitingformetocomebackfromthebathroom?
Penpal3(my3rdyearatTNO/2011)—YouandIkindofdiscussedthisattheafter-afterparty,butbythistime,I’djustturned30,divorced,andhadcycledthroughamindfuckofanon-relationshipwithanotherTNOwriter.Yearsaftermostpeopleourage,Itriedonlinedatingforthefirsttime.AndImadeatotalrookiemistakebymatchingwithaguywhosenameIdon’trememberandexchangingemailswithhimprobablythreetimesadayforthreeweeksbeforemeeting.AndthenwemetandhadNOchemistry.Itwasn’tawkwardintheexcruciatingMartinway.Itwasmorelikewhenyousitdownnexttosomeoneonaplaneflightandmutuallyhavenotoneiotaofinterestineachother.Obviously,endlesslyemailingsomeonebeforemeetingisawasteoftime,butIdostillwonderwhetheraperson’swritingselfistheirrealestself,theirfakestself,orjustadifferentselfthantheirin-the-worldself?Ormaybeemailingwithsomeonealotbeforemeetingisill-advisednotbecausetheotherpersonisrealorfakebutbecausethereinevitablywillbeadiscrepancybetweenyourideaofthemandthereality.Haveyouevertriedonlinedating?Forthatmatter,doyouflyoncommercialplanes?Ifnot,they’rethisthingwheremanypeoplewhodon’tknoweachotherbutaretravelingtothesamecityboardthesameaircraftatthesametime,likeabusinthesky.
Anyway,thisishowallmypenpalsmeasureup:
Freja:A-(Anythinglowerseemsmean,right?Sinceshewasachildatthetime)
Martin:B-(Itwaskindofinterestingtogetawindowintosomeoneelse’sfirstsemesteratcollege,especiallybecauseIwasn’tveryhappyfreshmanyear,buthiswritingstylewaspedestrian)
GuyWhoseNameICan’tRememberfromDatingWebsiteThatNoLongerExists:B(Ialsocan’trememberanyofourspecificemails,butithastocountforsomethingthatIwasmotivatedtorespond)
You:A+(Clearly!!)Alsoyouwereanadorable14-year-old
It’sverysweetandalittlemortifyingthatyou’vewatchedmysketches.I’mtemptedtogivedisclaimersabouthowtopicalcomedydoesn’tholdupwell,butinsteadIamgoingtojustsaythankyou.I’msorryaboutthedeathofChristopher,whichIdidknowabout.Theaccidentandhisdeathbothsoundsadandterrible.I’mgladyoudecidedafterthattocontinuebeingamusicianandIknowalotofotherpeoplearetoo.
And,inadifferentway,Ialsoamgladyoudidn’tdeletetheparagraphabouteatingandexercise.Ontheonehand,IthinkIknowsomethingaboutappearancepressuresbecauseI’mawomanwholivesinAmericainthe21stcentury(maybethatcouldjustbebecauseI’mawoman,fullstop),andbecause,workingwithpeoplewhosejobistobeoncamera,I’veseentheirinsecuritiesandthecriticismtheyget,eventhoughthey’rereallyattractive.Ontheotherhand,Iactuallycan’timaginehavingmyappearancepubliclydissectedbystrangers,anditseemsunfairthatthatmatterssomuchwhenyourlooksarewhollyunrelatedtoyourabilitytowritesongsandplayguitar.Forwhatit’sworth,IrememberyouatTNOasterrifyinglyfit,andit’sverypossibleyoulookbetterhavinggained13pounds.Inanycase,inthelastfewdays,myownsenseofyouasaLeatherShortsWearerhasbeensupersededbymysenseofyouasadigitalconsciousnessthatI’mcommunicatingwith(veryenjoyably!).WhenIseeyournameinmyinbox,Iwonderwhatyou’llsayaboutyourchildhoodoryourliferightnowmorethanIthinkaboutwhatyoulookedlikeinleathershorts.NotthatyouDIDN’Tlookgoodinleathershorts.Youlookedasgoodinleathershortsasapersoncan…Imean,okay,eek,IfearthisisreachingMartinBierschatThanksgiving2000levelsofawkwardness.
Onemoresidenote:AproposofmydeclarationaboveaboutthinkingthatIunderstandappearancepressurebecauseI’mawoman,yetanotherofthereasonsIsuspectit’salmosttimeformetomoveonfromTNOisthat,whilesomuchofmyworldviewhasbeenshapedbybeliefsaboutmenandwomenandsexismandfeminism,mostyoungerwritersattheshowacceptasagiventhatgenderisasocialconstruct.Andtomysurprise,themoreIreadonthissubject,themoreIagree.In2012,whenIgotasketchonairaboutelementaryschoolgirlsplayingfoursquareatrecess,itfeltsubversiveandnotable.Iguessit’sasignofprogressthatnowit’sjustacceptedasfactatTNOthattheworldiswildlysexist(thanks,2016election?)andthat“female”topicsareasworthyas“male”ones.Onagoodday,thismakesmethinkmyworkisdone,andonabadday,itmakesmethinkI’mabouttobeputouttopasture.
BeforeIgo,whatisyourfavoritecolor?Doyouhaveanypets?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul24,2020,10:40PM
subject:Actually
Thisisallfascinating…butraisesalotmorequestionsthanitanswers.Forstarters:
-IassumeyouonlyhavethelettersFrejawroteyouandnottheonesyouwroteher?WhichissuchabummerbecauseIbetthelettersthat4thgradeSallywrotewereprettyspectacular.Maybeevennationaltreasurelevel.
-Whatdoes“havingamoment”withMartinmean?Isthataeuphemismthateveryoneexceptmeknows?ItseemsliketheMartinanecdoteismissingafewkeydetails.
–IappreciatethereassuranceaboutbeingthebestpenpaleverbutadmitIamstillfeelingalittleinsecurethatyouaresomuchmoreexperiencedthanIam.(Iguessthat’snotaquestion.)
-Yeah,suchthingsaresometimesmurky.(Iguessthat’snotaquestion,either.)
-Yourmarriageanddivorce…isthereapdfsomewhereIcandownloadtogetacomprehensiveoverviewofwhen/where/why?
-SamequestionasabovebutabouttheTNOmindfucker.
Aboutonlinedating…afewyearsagoItriedanappthatissupposedtobe“discreet”…notlikeforpeopledoingshadythingsbutforrespectingusers’privacy.Iwentonacoupledatesthroughthis,nonememorable.I’mnotconvincedonlinedatingisforme.Evenwiththesupposedemphasisonprivacy,whenIwastextingwithwomen,Ineededtokeepinmindthatanyofthemcouldtalktoorevenbeareporterforashittygossipwebsite.I’msurethatbeingsowarydidn’tincreasemylikelihoodofmakingaconnection.Fortherecord,Idon’tworryatallthatyouwillsellmeout.
AbouthowIfly…it’susuallyinaspaceshuttlethattakesoffwithrocketboosters.MytimeissopreciousthatthisallowsmetogetwhereI’mgoingasefficientlyaspossiblewithouthavingtointeractwiththeriffraff.Yes,ofcourseIsometimesflycommercial!Admittedly,it’sfirstclassandiftheairporthasaprivateterminal,that’swhereIwait.Ontour,sometimeswecharteraplaneandsometimesit’sabus,andevenwiththefancierbuses,thereareveryunglamorousparts…traffic,bandmembersgettingsick,bandmemberswashingtheirhairwiththenon-potablewater,andonandon.AndyetonthosebusesIhaveforsurehadsomeofmyhappiesttimes.
Myfavoritecolorisyellow.Idonothaveanypetsbutwouldlikearabbit.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,9:03AM
subject:Actually
Sally,
SincesendingthatlastemailIhaverealizedthataskingifIcandownloadapdfaboutyourmarriageanddivorceprobablysoundeddisrespectfulandI’mverysorry.Iwastryingtobefunny,butIcrossedaline.IwantyoutoknowthatIrealize(fromwatchingmysisterandsomefriends)thatgettingdivorcedisaverychallenginglifeexperience,andIshouldn’thavebeenflippantaboutit.AsI’vesaidbefore,theseemailsrightnowarereallyalifelineforme.IhopeIhavenotdoneanythingtojeopardizeourcommunication.
Best,
Noahfrom:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul25,2020,9:32AM
subject:Actually
IwishyoucouldseehowhardI’mlaughingrightnow.YoualsogetanA+insquirmingapologies.Iespeciallyappreciatehowyouincludedasalutation(Iwasn’tsurebeforethisifyouknewmyname)andasignature(becausebeforethisIwasn’tsurewhatyournamewas).Butthe“Best”isareallynicetouch,likeyouwerereachingouttoaskifmymarketingfirmiscurrentlyhiring.
Firstofall,didn’tItellyoubackin2018thatanyonewhoworksatTNOishardtooffend?ThereasonIdidn’treplyyetwasn’tthatIwasoffended.Itwasjustthatit’stakingmealongtimetofigureouthowtosummarizemymarriageandthemindfuck.I’mstillworkingonthem!Maybetheemailsshouldbedividedintotwoparts,likeCzechoslovakiain1992.
Second,therearealotofthingsaboutallmarriages,includingmine,thatdeserveflippancyanddisrespect.Unfortunately,mymarriageitselfwaskindofboringandnotthatfunny,butit’ssafetosaythatIamnotsomeonewhothinksmarriageasaninstitutionissacrosanct.Infact,Iaspiretofindanythinginlifesacrosanct.
Seriously,yourremorsehereisveryendearing,inadditiontobeinghilarious.Pleaseconsidersayingafewmorethingsthatyouthinkareinappropriateandthenapologizingforthem.
Inthemeantime,asIwriteupmymarriage/mindfuckopus,IhavetocongratulateyouonyourperceptivenessinrealizingIleftsomedetailsoutoftheMartinstory.“Havingamoment”withMartinmeansthat(steelyourself?!Again?)IlostmyvirginitytohimINErin’spool(!)whileotherpeopleweresittingintheloungechairsapproximatelytenfeetaway(!!).Iguessoutofdeferencetotheotherpeople,MartinandIdidn’tkisswhilesemi-publiclyboning.
Inotherwords,no,youdon’tneedtoworryaboutmysellingyououtbecause,althoughthere’sasmalleraudienceformysecrets,we’reinamutuallyassureddestructionsituation.NotthatI’dsellyououtanyway.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:18AM
subject:Actually
Phew!!!
IhavetoadmitIgotkindaspookedbythatpartabouthowyouneveremailedMartinagainaftertheThanksgivingawkwardness.Idon’twantyoutoeverstopemailingme!
IguessmymainquestionaboutMartinis,wasitagoodexperienceforyou?Ihaveabombshelltodrop,somethingthatnooneinmywholelifeknowsaboutmeexceptmysister.See?Ireallydotrustyou!ThebombshellisthatmyfirstalbumcameoutbeforeI’deverhadsex.EveryoneinterpretedMakingLoveinJuly(asongIknowyouhavegreatfondnessfor)asautobiographical,butI’dnever“madelove”inreallifebeforeitsreleaseanddidn’tuntilfourmonthslater.Ifyou’retryingtodothemath,IwasnineteenwhenthesongcameoutandtwentybythetimeIlostmyvirginity.Thesongwasafantasyofsex,notamemory.WhenIwroteit,I’dkissedacouplegirls,butthatwasit.Myall-boys’highschoolwasaffiliatedwithagirls’schoolmoreorlessonthesamecampus,andjuniorandsenioryear,wecouldtakeclassesattheirschoolandviceversa,soIcan’tevenusethesingle-sexschoolthingasanexcuse.Ijusthadnogame.Alsomyblacknailpolishphase,whilebrief,mayhavemadegirlsthinkIwasgay.(Speakingof,genderisabsolutelyasocialconstruct…didn’tDavidBowieandPrinceteachusthat?Atthesametime,I’msurethere’salwaysaplaceforyourthoughtsonmenandwomenandsexismandfeminism.)
ApartofmyvirginstorythatforsomereasonIthinkyoumightappreciateisthattherearetwoseparateactresses,AngelaShinskeandKathrynWoo,whothemediaoftensaysMakingLoveinJulyisabout,andAngelagoesalongwiththeseclaims,eventhoughsheandIonlyeverwentontwodates,andbythenitwas2004.KathrynandIdatedforlonger,andshewasmydatetothe2002Grammys,butI’dwrittenthesongwellbeforethen.
So…isyourmarketingfirmcurrentlyhiring?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:59AM
subject:Actually
Wait,whoDIDyouloseyourvirginityto?(Yes,Iamendingasentencewithapreposition,butthat’showurgentlyIneedtoknow.)Didyoutelltheotherpersonshe’ddefloweredyou?I’vealwaysassumedthattheGreatPoolBoningofAugust2000wasMartin’sfirsttime,too,andIwouldn’tsayitwasmagical,butitwasn’tanegativeexperience,whichIthinkcountsasawin?
IhopeyouarenotdisappointedtolearnthatIdon’tfinditshockingorembarrassingthatyoudidn’thavesexuntilyouweretwenty.Ibeatyouby,what,justayearortwo?
RegardingouremailingversusmyemailingwithMartin,thissituationfeelsprettydifferent.BecauseyouandIareadults?AndbecauseheandIhadhardlyspokenoutsidethepool(orinthepool,forthatmatter)whereasyouandIhavebeforethiscorrespondencehadmanydeepconversationsaboutcheese,panthers,andsnakes.Hmm,maybethesearen’tsuchpersuasivepointsafterall.ButIsuspectunlesseitherofushaschangeddramaticallyinthelasttwoyears,wehaveasenseofwhatit’sliketotalktoeachotherinthesameroom.
Although,sincewehavearrivedatthissomewhatweirdjuncture…Idon’tknow…doyouhaveahandleonwhatwe’redoinghere?CanyoutellI’mborrowingyourellipsesrightnow?To…convey…my…laidback…chill…personality…from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,11:26AM
subject:Actually
Nope,Ican’tsaythatIhaveahandleonwhatwe’redoing.Butit’sfun,huh?
Ilostmyvirginityto…Iamwhiteknucklingithere…amodelnamedBrittainSmith.BrittainandImetatthepremiereofamovieIhadasonginanddatedforjustafewmonths.Imuchlaterseriouslydatedoneothermodel,whosenameisMaribelJohnson.Fortherecord,thosearetheonlytwomodelsI’veeverdated,period.NotthatIfeeltheneedtojustifyit…infact,itseemsverysexistthatanyonewouldautomaticallyassumearelationshipwithamodelisshallow.ButthebiggerreasonIreactedbadlywhenyousaidthatthinginthebarabout22-year-oldmodelsisthatwhensomeonebringsitupasawayofaccusingmeofbeingaplayboy,it’snotonlyinsultingbutjustplainwrong.
Sendthemarriage/mindfuckpdf!from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul25,2020,5:12PM
subject:Actually
Thismightseemoff-topic,butinmyexperience,therearetwokindsofTNOhosts.Withthegoodkind,themoodpreparingforashowisfun.Everyoneisawareofthehost’shigherstatus,andaccordinglydeferential,butwe’realltryingtoachievethesamegoal.Withbadhosts,theperson’sstatusisthedefiningelementofbeinginaroomwiththem,becausethat’sclearlythelensthroughwhichtheyviewlife—they’retextbooknarcissists.Inthatcase,nomatterhowrudeorunreasonablethehostis,theTNOstaffcontortsitselftomakesurethey’rehappywitheverysituationwhilealsogettingtheshowonairbySaturdayat11:30.Thatkindofhostisn’tinvitedback.Evenso,aftertheirweek,Ifeeldirtyforhavingexertedalotofenergytomakethemlookgood.
Tobeclear,youare1000%notanoxiousnarcissist.ButIcan’thelpstartingtowonderwhyI’mtryingsohardtoentertainyou(andtocomplimentyou!andtoassuageyou!).Becauseyou’reacelebrity?Who’sboredduringthepandemic?AndI’mluckytogetattentionfromyou?UntilavaccineexistsandyoucangobacktosurfinginCostaRicaandsingingtoastadiumof18,000people?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,8:58PM
subject:Actually
Sally,I’mreallysorryifI’veoffendedyou.I’mconfusedbecauseitfeelslikethingsjustwentofftherails,butIdon’tknowwhy.WhenIsaidIneverwantyoutostopemailingme,didthatmakeyouthinkI’mtakingyouforgranted?Iintendedtoexpresstheopposite.ItissuchatruejoytobeintouchwithyouandIwastryingtotellyouhowgratefulIamandhowawesomeIthinkyouare.I’mnotdisputingthatImayhavedonesomethingwronghere,butI’mnotsurewhatitwas.
Ifsomeoneweretoaskme,“Areyouacelebrity?”myanswerwouldbe“Yes,I’macelebrity.”Ifthequestionwas“DoesAmericahaveafuckeduplove-haterelationshipwithcelebrities?”myanswertothatis“Definitely,yes.”FameiskindasomethingIchose…albeitwithoutfullyunderstandingwhatIwaschoosing…andkindasomethingthatchoseme.Ithashugeadvantagesandsomedisadvantages,butatthispointit’sjustafactofmylife.WhenyoupointoutthatI’macelebrity,you’renotrevealingsomethingI’mtryingtoconceal.Anditisn’tapartofmyidentitythatcanbeseparatedfromtheotherparts.It’snotsomethingIhavetheoptionofleavingathomeonsomedays,likeanumbrella.
Allofthatsaid,I’mapersontoexactlythesamedegreeyou’reaperson.I’mnotamannequinwhostandsonastageandplaystheguitar.Maybemyfeelings,hopes,andworriesaren’tidenticaltoyours,butIhopeIdon’tneedtoconvinceyouthatIhavefeelings,hopes,andworries.ThebiggestbummeraboutyourlastemailistheimplicationthatI’musingyou.Ithoughtouremailingwasmutual…mutuallyfun…andinthelastfewdayswhenIhavetoldyouhowintoitIam,Iwastryingtocomplimentyou,notmakeyoufeellikeyouareobligatedtoamuseme.Aren’twealljustlookingforsomeonetotalkabouteverythingwith?Someoneworththeeffortoftellingourstoriesandopinionsto,whosestoriesandopinionsweactuallywanttohear?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:15PM
subject:Actually
1)YouHAVEbeenintherapy,haven’tyou?That’sanasshole’swayofsayingIappreciateyourverycalmresponsetomyhalf-crazy(75%crazy?)emailthatIhavefeltremorsefulabouteversincehittingSend.(SendiscapitalizedforadifferentreasonfromwhySentence1wascapitalizedinthefirstemailIsentyou—butmaybethosewillalsobestoriesforanotherday?)
2)ThisisaweirdquestionbutdoyourememberwhenyouwererehearsingthesongAmbiguousatTNOandIsatnearthestageandlistened?Andifyoudoremember,wouldyousayyouwereserenadingme?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:21PM
subject:Actually
Irememberthatperfectly.AndI’mhappytoansweryourquestionbutwhatdoyoumeanbyserenading?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:24PM
subject:Actually
Wereyoutryingtoseduceme?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:33PM
subject:Actually
I’mnervousrightnowbecauseitseemslikethere’sarightandwronganswertoyourquestion,andI’mnotsurewhichiswhich.SoI’mjustgoingtobehonestbecauseI’veheardthere’snopointinhavingapandemicpenpalifyou’renothonest.
IwouldsayIwasdefinitelytryingtoimpressyouandIwasnottryingtoseduceyou.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,10:58PM
subject:Actually
Where’dyougo?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul25,2020,11:19PM
subject:Actually
Wronganswer,huh?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:25AM
subject:Actually
Okay,here’sthestoryofmymarriage:Asamiddleclasswhitegirl,Ican’tclaimIwasoutofplaceatDukefromasocioeconomicstandpoint(thisishowalljuicyandromanticstoriesbegin,right?),butIwasabadfitforthefraternity-sorority/countryclubvibeofthecampus.IalmostneverwenttopartiesandbarelyhadfriendsuntilIjoinedthestaffofthestudentnewspapermysophomoreyear.FirstIwasoneofthecopyeditors,andeventuallyIwasthecopychief.ThismeantIstayedlate,readpracticallyeveryarticlethatwasfiled,andwasfairlyinvisibleinawaythatsuitedme.(NigelsaysthatTNOisn’taplaceforperfectionistsorlonewolves,andbecauseI’mnaturallyboth,workingtherehastaughtmetofightthosetendencies.)
Anyway,thesportseditorofthenewspapermysenioryearwasaguynamedMike.He’dalsoworkedhiswayup,sowe’dinteractedtonsoftimes(whileIcopyeditedhisarticlesabout,say,men’stennis)withoutreallygettingtoknoweachother.AtastaffhappyhouronHalloween,acolumnistnamedDerrickgotfallingdowndrunk,andMikeandIendedupwalkinghimbacktohisdormroomandputtinghimtobed.Itwasonlymaybeeighto’clockonaFriday,andcampuswasfilledwithpeopleinallkindsofcrazycostumesplanningallkindsofwildnights,butbothMikeandIwereworriedthatDerrickwasgoingtothrowup,chokeonit,anddie,soweparkedourselvesinhisroom,withthelightslow,tokeepaneyeonhim.Wesatonthefloorandtalkedforafewhours,untilwedecideditwassafetoleave.Ihonestlydon’tthinkwe’dhavegottentogetherifnotforbabysittingDerrick(thoughIthinkthisistrueforplentyofrelationships,thatthey’rerandomatleastasoftenasthey’reinevitable),butwequicklybecameaseriouscouple(ineverysense).Mikewasapplyingtolawschoolsthen,andheendedupdecidingonChapelHill,whichisjust20minutesfromDuke.Hewas(is?Becausehe’sstillalive,ifnotstillpartofmylife)fromCharlotte,NC,anditwasalreadyunderstoodthatwhenhefinishedlawschool,he’dgobackthere.
Inthespringofoursenioryear,wedecidedtogetmarried.Neitherofuswasbeingpressuredbyourparents—hisparentsactuallywerereligious,butnotinawaywherethey’dhavebeenupsetifwelivedtogetherwithoutgettingmarried.MymomsaidthatshehadconcernsbecausepeoplecanchangealotintheirtwentiesandMikeandImightevolveoutofwantingtobeacouple,butthatshealsothoughtIhadtherighttomakemyowndecisions.WegotmarriedattheDurhamCountyCourthousetheFridayafterourgraduation,infrontofMike’sparentsandbrother,mymomandJerry,andtwoofourfriendsfromthenewspaper.ThatMonday,Istartedmyjobasawriteratanin-housenewsletterforagiganticmedicaldevicecompany(AdlerWilliams).
WhenIlookback,Isimultaneouslythinkit’sfinethatMikeandIgotmarried,noanimalswereinjured,etc.,ANDitseemslikewediditforterriblereasons—atbest,inordertocrossoffwhatweperceivedasthebiggestitemontheto-dolistofadulthood,atworst,becausewewerescaredoflifeaftercollege.Ormaybethosearethesamething,ormaybeIjustmeanIwasscared.Intheory,IwantedtomovetoNewYorkorLAandwriteforTV,butIdidn’tknowanyoneintheindustryandIwastoochickentogotooneofthosecitiesalone.IsupposeIwantedtoabsolvemyselfofresponsibilityformyownhappiness—IcouldblameMikefortrappingmeinNC.
EveryJuly,whileworkingatAdlerWilliams,asasecretannualritethatnoonebesidesMikeknewabout,IsubmittedasketchpackettoTNO.ThefirsttimeIeverdidthis,theheadwriter,whowasthenOllieToubey,calledmeeightweekslaterandsaidsomethinglike“Wecan’tmakeyouanofferrightnow,butyou’retalentedandweencourageyoutoapplyagain.”Itwasathree-minuteconversationthatwasthemostexcitingthingthathadeverhappenedtome.Ikeptapplyingandbeingrejectedforthenextfewyears(andnothearingdirectlyfromanyoneagain),duringwhichtimeMikegraduatedfromlawschool,wemovedtoCharlotte,andIgotanewjobasawriteratamagazineforahigh-endcreditcard(LuxuriesMonthly?Perhapsyousubscribe?Againstyourwill?).AndtheninlateSeptember2009,onaMonday,IgotacallfromOlliesaying,“CanyoucometotheTNOofficetomorrowtointerview?”AndIsaid,“Oh,wow,thisisamazing,butIliveinNorthCarolina.”AndOlliesaid,“Cool,canyoucometotheTNOofficetomorrowtointerview?”Ispent$880ontheticket,whichwasthemostI’deverspentonanything.AndImadeareservationattheHolidayInnExpressattheNewarkairport,butIwentstraightfromgettingofftheplanetothe66building,soIwasdraggingmysuitcase.IinterviewedwithOllieandhisdeputy,Ursula,andtheywerethesmartestandfunniestpeopleI’devermet,thentheytoldmetowaitoutsideNigel’sofficetomeethim.Iwaitedforsevenhours,whichasyoumightknowisunremarkable—Henriettahadtowaitoutsidehisofficeforthreedays(thedayIwasthere,hewastakingahelicopterinfromtheHamptons).Ifinallymethimatteno’clockatnight,wehadaveryanodyneexchangethatfeltlikeitwasoverbeforeitbegan,andIspentmostofitdescribingworkingforLuxuriesandforAdlerWilliams’snewsletter(whichwascalledHeartbeats).Iassumedthathecouldn’thavefoundmemoreboring.Ilefthisofficeafterabouteightminutesandsatinthehallagain,andOllieandUrsulawentintohisofficeforanevenshortertimethanI’dbeenintherethencamebackout,ledmetoOllie’soffice,andsaid,“Canyoustarttomorrow?”Evennow,Idon’thavethewordstoexpresshowshockedandthrilledandoverwhelmedanddisbelievingIwas.Itwaslikeswimmingintheoceanandfeelingsomethingshiftunderyouandthenextthingyouknow,agiganticmagicalseacreaturethatyouneverknewexistedisrisingoutofthewaterwithyouonitsback.
Afterthis,outside66,mysuitcaseandIgotinacabtotheHolidayInnExpress,andIwasshakingwithexcitementasIcalledMikeandtoldhimthenews.Inthisverysubduedvoice,hesays,“It’stoobadyoucan’tdoit,”andI’mlike,“Whycan’tIdoit?”andhesays,“BecauseweliveinCharlotte.”
Me:Whycan’twemove?
Mike:BecauseI’mlicensedtobealawyerhere.
Me:Thenwhycan’tIcommute?
Mike:Becausewhat’sthepointofbeingmarriedifwedon’tliveinthesameplace?
(Longsilence.)
Me:Ifyouaren’twillingtomovetoNewYork,whydidn’tyoueversaythatwhileIwassubmittingpacketstoTNOforthelastfiveyears?
Mike(matter-of-factly):BecauseIneverthoughtthey’dhireyou.
Icouldsayalotofotherthingsaboutthis,butthesalientonesarethat1)Mikedidhaveasenseofhumorandactivelylikedcomedy.Wewenttoseestand-uptogether,andwewatchedTNOandcomedyspecials.2)Hereadmysubmissionpacketseveryyear.
AlthoughIrealizedsomewhatbelatedlythathedidn’tthinkIwasfunnyortalented,Mikewasn’tajerk.Hewasaverycalm,responsible,quietpersonwhobelievedhe’dmarriedanothercalm,responsible,quietperson.And,asmycabenteredtheLincolnTunnel,Ithoughttomyself,Thankgodwedon’thavekidsbecausethatwillmakeourdivorcemuchlessmessy.Sidenote:HestilllivesinNorthCarolina,ismarried,andisnowafatheroftwo.
MynarrativeinstinctstellmeIshouldtakeabreatherhere,thatweshouldhavesomekindofpalate-cleansingepistolarysorbet,oratleastIshouldgiveyouthechancetorespond,butmywishforresolutionpropelsmeforward,toPart2:TheMindfucker,whichatleastisfarmoresuccinctthanPart1:TheHusband.
AsyouandIhavealreadypartiallycovered,inmysecondyearatTNO,Idevelopedaragingcrushonafellowwriter(spoiler:ItwasyourbuddyElliot).Ihalfconvincedmyselfhehadaragingcrushonme,inpartbecausehewasn’tespeciallyhot.Thatis,tomyeye,hewasn’toutofmyleague.Attheseasonfinaleafter-party,Itoldhim(inawaythatdeservesasolid9outof10ontheMartinBierschAwkwardnessScale)thatIwasinlovewithhimandhesaid,“Sally,you’veconfusedtheromanceofcomedywiththeromanceofromance.”
I’mstillnotsureifthiswasabrilliantorsupremelydoucheythingtosay.Maybeboth?Certainlyhewaswithinhisrightsinnotreciprocatingmyinterest,andIsoonconcludedthatifwe’ddatedandbrokenup,itcouldhaveruinedTNOforme,andifwe’dgottentogetherandmarriedandhadkids,thatcouldhaveruinedTNOformeinadifferentway.IdecidedI’dneveragaintrytodateanyoneatTNO,whichadmittedlymighthavebeenabitofatreefallingintheforestsituation.
Thisisalla(veryvery)longwayofsayingthatafterbeingmarriedtoaguywhodidn’tlikewhatmadememe,andthenbeingfriendswithaguywhoadoredmebutdidn’twanttomakeoutwithme,Idon’ttrustmyowninstincts.Boththosesituationsscrambledmybrain,andIknowit’sasmallsamplesize,butIdecidedtobedonewiththatshit.Andnowouremailsarescramblingmeagain.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:41AM
subject:Actually
Thismightsoundcorny,butthankyoufortellingmeallofthat.I’mgladIknowit.
TherearetonsofthingsIwanttorespondto,buttheonethatfeelsthemosturgentnowiswhyareouremailsscramblingyourbrain?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:43AM
subject:Actually
Attheriskofdestroyingmyfavoritehobbyofquarantine,becauseI’mindangerofconfusingtheromanceofemailingwiththeromanceofromance.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:44AM
subject:Actually
Whywouldn’tthisbetheromanceofromance?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:45AM
subject:Actually
BecauseoftheDannyHorstRule?from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:46AM
subject:Actually
Didn’tItellyouin2018Idon’tbelieveinthat?from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:49AM
subject:Actually
Iactuallydon’tthinkI’mparticularlyinsecureaboutmyappearance.Forbothoursakes,I’llrefrainfrominventoryingmyfaceandbodyandjustsaythatwhileofcourseIhavesomecriticismsofmyself,Ifeelluckytobehealthy,andnevermoresothannow.
I’malsoprettysureitwoulddisruptthespace-timecontinuumforaworld-famoussingerwholookslikeyoutogetinvolvedwithaTVwriterwholookslikeme.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:51AM
subject:Actually
Sometimes,andthisisoneofyourcharms,it’shardformetotellhowmuchyou’rekidding.ButI’mreallyattractedtoyou,andIhavebeensincethatpitchmeetinginNigel’soffice.from:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
to:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:52AM
subject:Actually
Sometimesit’salsohardformetotellhowmuchI’mkidding.Butyoudidn’tlooksobadatthatpitchmeeting,either.from:NoahBrewster<NoahRBrewster@gmail.com>
to:SallyMilz<Smilz@TNOshow.com>
date:Jul26,2020,12:52AM
subject:Actually
Irealizethisalsomightdisruptthespace-timecontinuumbutcanIjustcallyourightnow?CHAPTER3
August2020AttheHamptonInninAlbuquerque,NewMexico,halfwaybetweenKansasCityandL.A.,IcheckedinwhileneedingtopeesobadlyIcouldn’tstandupstraight.Iwastheonlypersoninthelobbyotherthanthemanbehindthedesk.HeandIbothworeclothmasks—minefeaturedstrawberries,hiswasplainblue—andIsaid,“Howfullareyoutonight?”andhesaid,“Not.”
Intheroom,asIfinishedwashingmyhands,myphonevibratedinthesidepocketofmyleggings,andafterIdriedmyhands(werethetowelsclean?Wasanything?),Ipulleditout.
LMKwhenyou’reathotel,Noahhadtexted.
Then:HaveImentionedI’msuperexcitedyou’recominghere?
Then:I’msuperexcitedyou’recominghere!!
Ilookedatmyselfinthemirrorabovethesinkandtriedtofigureoutwhatexpressionawomandriving1,600milestovisitNoahBrewsterwouldmake.Itwouldbesultry,right?Whichwasaproblembecausewitheffort,Icoulddofriendly,andIcouldalwaysdosmirky,butIwasn’tsureIwasphysicallycapableofsultry.
AweekhadpassedsinceNoahandIhadfirstspokenonthephone;twelvedayshadpassedsinceI’dreceivedhisfirstemail;andthirteenhours,countingstopstorefuel,hadpassedsinceI’dpulledoutofJerry’sdriveway.I’dborrowedJerry’ssister’sHyundai,loadedupwithasuitcase,abackpack,apurse,andanopencardboardboxcontainingawaterbottle,atwelve-countcaseofproteinbars,fourapples,threeseparatecontainersof33.8fluidouncesofhandsanitizer,andabunchofmasksinsideagallonZiplocbag.OnceI’ddecidedIwasdrivingratherthanflying,I’dcalculatedthatIcouldmakeitintwoveryunpleasantlylongdaysorthreemoderatelyunpleasantones.BecauseIhoped(butwasnotsure)thatIwasonmywaytohavesexwithNoahandbecauseIwantedtohavesexwithNoahassoonaspossible,I’doptedfortwo.
Presumably,afteracceptingNoah’sinvitationtovisit,Ioughttohavebeenwonderstruckbythehumancapacityforconnectionevenduringthedarkesttimes.AndIwas!ButalsoIwaspreoccupiedwithhowandwhentoaddressthedisheveledandhairystateintowhichI’ddescendedduringthepandemic.Duringourfirstphoneconversation,he’dsaidthatmaybethenextday,wecouldfacetime,andtheminutewe’dhungup,eventhoughitwasafterthreeinthemorning,I’dzealouslytweezedmyeyebrowsandbleachedthehairabovemyupperlipwiththesamepossiblytoxiccreamI’dbeenusingsincemiddleschool.Butthefollowingnight,he’dcalledagainratherthanfacetiming,meaningthatI’dbeendeniedtheopportunitytopretendIwasspontaneousanddenudedandspontaneouslydenuded.
Whenwe’dagreedthatIwasreally,actuallygoingtodrivetoCalifornia,I’dimmediatelybegunstrategizingabouthowIcouldarriveathishouse(atNoah’shouse!ThehouseofNoahBrewster!)aftertwothirteen-hourdaysontheroadlookingandsmellingasunbeastlyaspossible.Iplannedtotouchupmyeyebrowsandshavemylegs,armpits,andbikinilineinthemorning,atthehotelinAlbuquerque.AndwhileofcourseI’dshowerbeforeleavingNewMexico,I’ddevotedextensivethoughttowhether,uponreachingLosAngeles,IoughttofindaplacetoshoweragainbeforegettingtoNoah—atruckstop?Ahotelroom?Afriend’semptyapartment?
ButI’ddecidednottointroduceanotherlogisticalorsocialvariable;IwastellingnooneIknewwholivedtherethatIwasvisiting.Instead,beforereachingNoah’shouse,Iwouldstopatagasstation,whichwasjustaboutallthatwasopeninCaliforniaatthispointintheshutdown,tobrushmyteethandperhapsapplyafreshcoatofdeodorantovermyflopsweat.
AllofwhichwastosaythatthesketchesI’dwrittenovertheyearsabouttheabsurdityandarbitrarinessofbeautystandardsforwomenhadarisennotfrommyclear-eyedrenunciationofthembutfrommyresentmentattheirholdonme.ButmorepronouncedthanmyanxietyaboutwhetherNoahwouldthinkIwascuteenoughtosmooch—evennow,whenitwasplausiblethathewassolonelythatallherequiredwasawarmbodyandapulse—wasmyfearthatitdidn’tmatterhowIlookedbecauseI’dmisunderstoodandthiswasnotinfactareally,reallyinconvenientbootycall.
Ihadn’tyetrespondedtoNoah’stextsfromaminutebeforewhenanothercamethrough:Whenwetalktonightthere’ssomethingweshoulddiscuss
Ohshit,Ithought,andimmediatelymybrainbegansupplyingpossibilities:I’mcelibate.I’mgay.IhaveCovidagain.I’veinvitedyouheretoghostwritemyjokesforanupcomingZoomappearanceonalate-nighttalkshow.
Andthenonelasttextthatwasn’texactlyreassuring:It’snothingbad
—
OnthenightthatIhademailedNoahmynumber,he’dcalledaminutelater.Perhapsthisefficiencyshouldn’thaveprovidedenoughtimeformetogetnervous,butmyheartwasthuddingandIwonderedasIsaid“Hi”ifthatonetinysyllablewouldrevealthatmyvoicewasshaking.
“Hey,Sally.”Noahsoundedrelaxedandconfident,likeamanwhostoodonstagessingingtoadoringcrowds,amanwidelyagreeduponbytheAmericanpublictobeexceptionallyhandsome.“Areyouinyourchildhoodbedroomrightnow?WithalltheIndigoGirlsposters?”
“Sadly,Ineverhadany,”Isaid.“ThatwouldhavebeenmuchcoolerthantheposterIdidhavewiththeThoreauquoteaboutlivesofquietdesperation.Oh,andIalsohadanAudreyHepburnpostertosignifythatIwasclassyandfeminine.”Becausethiswasn’ttheconversationI’dbeenexpecting—Ididn’tknowwhatIhadbeenexpecting,butnotthis—Icouldfeelmyselfbecomemarginallylessnervous.“Whatpostersdidyouhave?”
“Justtobeboringlypredictable,mostlymusicians.JimiHendrix,TheVelvetUnderground,thecoverofNirvana’sNevermindalbum.Youareveryclassyandfeminine,bytheway.”
“IsNevermindtheonewiththepoolandthebabypenis?”
“Ithinkit’ssupposedtobeacondemnationofcapitalismbecausethebabyisreachingforadollarbill,butmaybesamedifference.”
“Therereallyisn’tmuchofmyoldstuffhereanymore,”Isaid.“There’sthewickerfurniture,butnograduationcapsorstuffedanimalsorearringtrees.Noidentifyingmarkersofmyteenageself.”
“Oh,man,”hesaid.“Whitewicker?”
“Thebedframe,thebedsidetable,andthedeskareallwicker,andthere’sawickerarmchair,whichiswhereI’msitting.Iassumeyou’realsosittinginawhitewickerarmchair?”
“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“Always.”
Thistime,Ilaughed.
“I’minmystudy,”hesaid.“Doesthatmakemesoundintellectual?”
“Areyousmokingapipeandwearingamonocle?”
“Andavelvetjacket,”hesaid.“Truthfully,themainthingIstudyinmystudyistheTVscreen.MybedroomiswhereIread.”
“ReadingandwatchingTVarebothnobleactivities,”Isaid.“That’simportanttoremember.”
“EspeciallywatchingTVonSaturdaynightsateleven-thirty,right?”
“DoyounothaveaTVinyourbedroom?”
Helaughed.“No,Ihaveonethere,too.Andoneinthesittingroomoffthekitchen.”
AfterI’dreceivedNoah’ssecondemail—theonethatmentionedhewasinL.A.andthat,likehisfirstemail,didnotmakeitseemasifhewasreachingoutforabusiness-relatedreason—I’dgoogledNoahBrewsterLosAngeleshouse.OfcourseIhad;Iwasn’tbrain-dead.AspertheInternet:locatedinTopangaCanyon,purchasedin2014forninemilliondollarsandthenrenovateddowntothestuds,asix-bedroom/eight-bathroomSpanishhaciendaontenacreswithapool,poolhouse,andfreestandingrecordingstudiobuiltin2016.Amen’smagazinehadrunphotosofhimtakeninthestudioaswellasnexttoandinthepool—oneshotshowedhimstandingintheshallowendwearingadrenchedwhiteT-shirtthatclunggratifyinglytothemusclesinhisarmsandabdomen—whileasheltermagazinehadanonlinespreadoftheinteriorofthehouseaccompaniedbyalongconversationbetweenhimandaBritisharchitect.
AfterI’dgoogledNoahBrewsterLosAngeleshouse,theInternetsuggestedthatIalsogoogleNoahBrewsternetworth,andwhowasItodecline?Theanswer,whichmayhavebeenaccurateorcompletelywrong,wasninety-fivemilliondollars.
Onthephone,therewasabriefsilence,thenNoahsaid,“SoIthinkyoushouldcomevisitme.AndIthinkweshouldhangoutandkeeptalkingaboutallthethingswe’vebeentalkingaboutoveremail.Whatdoyouthinkofthat?”
“Okay.”
“Wait,doyouthinkI’mkidding?”
“Areyoukidding?”
“No.”
“Iwasn’tkidding,either.Andasluckwouldhaveit,myscheduleisprettyopennow.”
Helaughed.“Soismine.Sohowabout,Idon’tknow,tomorrow?Thenextday?You’llprobablymakefunofmeforthis,butoneoptionisformyP.A.toarrangeaplanetobringyou.”
“ThatsoundsveryFiftyShadesofGrey.”
“Yeah,somehowIhaven’tgottenaroundtoreadingthat.Butifwecharteraflight,youskiptheterminalandsecurity,whichIassumearethegermhotspots.”
“IgottheFiftyShadesbooksforsomequickresearchforasketch,andthenextthingIknewI’dconsumedfifteenhundredpagesaboutBenWaballsandridingcrops.”Ihesitated.Ididn’tknowhowmuchitcosttocharteraflight,butitseemedlikeadestabilizingwaytostartthingswithNoah.Isaid,“Aprivateplanesoundsalittle,uh,intense.Butvisitingyousoundsgreat.”
“Youdon’thavetodecideabouttheplanenow.Ifyouendupflyingcommercial,justpromisemeyou’llwearaKN95.”
“Doyouknowwhatpeoplelikemecallflyingcommercial?”Isaid.“Wecallitflying.”
“Yeah,IguessIaskedforthat.”
Thisconversationhadstartedaftermidnight,andwewerethenonthephonefortwoandahalfhoursmore,discussinghowthekidsofoneofhissideprojectbandmembersweresewingmasksforresidentsofnursinghomes;andhowwhilewalkingSugarthateveningI’dpassedaslimwhitewomaninaT-shirtthatsaidGoodVibesOnly,andhowthatseemedlikeathingaslimwhitewomanshouldn’tbewearingatthisparticularculturalmoment;andhowIwasreadinganovelsetinCommunistRomania;andhowhewasreadingabookofnonfictionaboutthefutureofartificialintelligencebutthetruthwasthathereaditonlyatnightandrarelygotthroughmorethanafewpagesbeforefallingasleep;andhowthepreviousweek,hehadstartedwritinganewsongforthefirsttimesincehe’dhadCovidandithadn’tgoneincrediblywellbutalsohadn’tbeenadisaster;andabouthowintheIndigoGirls’“DairyQueen,”therewasalyricI’dneverbeenclearonbecauseitkindofsoundedlike“toholdyou”butitalsokindofsoundedlike“tohauntyou”andifyoulookedituponlineitsaidhold,butIwantedittobehaunt;andabouttheDairyQueenchainandhowhe’dneverbeentoone,andIsaidthatwasbecausehe’dneverlivedintheMidwest;andabouthowI’dneverbeentoIn-N-OutBurger,andhesaidthatwasbecauseI’dneverlivedinCalifornia.Bythen,itwasalmostthree-thirtymytimeandIfeltliketheteenagerI’dneverbeen,druggedonlustandconversation.Justbeforewehungup,Isaid,“UsuallyIhatetalkingonthephone,butIdon’thatetalkingonthephonetoyou.”
“I’lltrynottoletthatgotomyhead.”Hesoundedveryhappy,andIfeltasqueezingaroundmyheart.Wasn’tthisalltoogoodtobetrue?Forthelastweek,wheneverIhadn’tactivelybeenwritinganemailtoorreadinganemailfromNoah,asI’dscrambledeggsordraggedthetrashandrecyclingbinstothecurb,I’doftenpulledmyphonefrommypocketandrereadboththemessageshe’dsentmeandtheonesI’dsenthim,especiallyifIwaswaitingforaresponse;morethanonceIreadalltheemails,inorder,intheirentirety.IalsohadcontinuouslycomposedfutureemailsinmyheadandassessedalmostanyexperienceIwashaving—not,admittedly,thatIwashavingmany—throughthefilterofwhetherthey’dbeworthdescribingtoNoah.Andnowwe’dspokenandithadn’truinedeverything!
Headded,“CanIcallyouagaintomorrownight?”
“Youdefinitelycan,”Isaid.
“CanIemailyouseventimesbeforeIcallyoutomorrownight?”
“I’mhopingyouwill.”
Thiswaswhenhesaid,“Ialmostsuggestedfacetimingnowinsteadofcalling.Whatareyourfeelingsaboutfacetime?”
“Itdependsonthefaceinquestion.”Afterapause,Isaid,“Inyourcase,I’mpro.”
Helaughed.“Whatarelief.”Thenhesaid,“Goodnight,Sally.Thiswasveryfun.”
“Iagree,”Isaid.“Goodnight,Noah.”
Buthedidn’temailthenextday;instead,atnoonmytime,hetexted,Hopeit’sOKIjustorderedtheseforyou,followedbyascreenshotofapinkpillowthatsaidGoodVibesPleaseinwhitecursive,followedbyanotherscreenshotofanorangepillowthatsaidGoodVibesWelcomewithanimageofasunbelowthewords,followedbyanothertextthatsaidItwashardtodecidesoIgotboth.
Itextedback,That’sanincrediblecoincidencebecauseIjustorderedthisforyou,andsentascreenshotofadistressedwoodensignthatsaidInthishouse,wekeepitreal,wegivehugs,andwedancebadly.
Hetextedback,TrulyamazingbecauseforyourkitchenIjustordered,followedbyascreenshotofadifferentdistressedwoodensignthatsaid’BouttoStirUpSomeShitandfeaturedanimageofawhisk.Andthenwetextedforthreehoursandthenwetalkedagainthatnightfrom10p.m.to2a.m.central.At9:50p.m.Ihadappliedfoundationandmascaraandlipgloss,thenIhadwipedthelipglossoff,thenIhadreappliedit.Atten,thenotificationofafacetimecallhadappearedonmyphone,butbeforeIcouldseehim,ithaddisappeared,andaregularcallhadcomethrough.
Fourhourslater,attheendofthatconversation,hesaid,“IjustwantedtomentionthatI,well—Ishavedmyhead.Idon’thavelonghairanymore.”
IthoughtofHenriettakneelingbesidemeinmyTNOoffice,wakingmeupasIlayonthecouchtotellmeaboutNoah’swig.Twenty-sevenmonthshadpassedsincethen,whichdidn’tseemlikeenoughtoaccountforhowirretrievablethatmomentnowfelt.
ItriedtosoundcasualasIsaid,“Cool.”
“Ididn’twantyoutobeshockedifwefacetimetomorrow.”
“I’dliketothinkI’mhardertoshockthanthat.”
“Justsincesomepeoplesaymyhairis,youknow—”Hepaused,andwhenhecontinued,heseemedembarrassedforthefirsttimethatIcouldrecall.“Likemytrademark.”
Again,Itriedtosoundlightbutsincere,andnotatallmocking,asIsaid,“Aren’tyoursongwritingandguitarplayingyourtrademark?”
Thenextnight,especiallyforthefirstminuteortwo,itwasshockingandthrillingtoseeNoahonthescreenofmyphone.Helookedbothalittledifferentandstilljoltingly,unreasonablyhandsome.Hisheadwasindeedshaved,withafewmillimetersofstubblethatwasdarkerthantheblondlocksofyorebutmatchedthestubbleonhischeeks.Helookedpalerormoretiredthaninonlineimages,whichofcourseI’dinspectedmanytimesinthelastweek,meaninghelookedlikehewasn’twearingmakeupandhadn’totherwisebeenprofessionallystyled,anditwasapureandreflexivejoytogazeatthisversionofhim:thisprivate,realperson.Hispiercingblueeyeswerealert,andhisexpressionwasamused,andhewaswearinganolive-greenT-shirtandsittinginalowwhitearmchair,andsimultaneously,IwishedIcoulddiveintothescreenandthrowmyarmsaroundhim,andIwasself-consciousattheknowledgethathecouldseeme,andIkeptglancingatmytiny,grainyreflectioninthelowerright-handcornerofthescreen.“Thisissoweird!”Iblurtedout.
Hesmiled.“Inwhatway?”
“Doyounotthinkso?”Quickly,Iadded,“Notbecauseofyourhaircut.Yourhaircutlooksgreat.Iguessinthelasttwonights,Ijustgotusedtoyourdisembodiedvoice.”
“Isadisembodiedvoicebetterorworsethanadigitalconsciousness?”
“Well,”Isaid,“they’renotdissimilar.”
ThenwediscussedthebookhewasslowlyreadingaboutAI,andabouthowoldwe’dbeenwhenwe’dacquiredourfirstcellphones,andwithinfifteenminutes,Iwasmuchcalmer.ThenextnightittookonlyafewminutestogetovertheshockofNoah’sattractiveness,andthenightafterthatIwonderedifwewereinthevicinityofphonesex—I’dalreadyreversedthecameratoshowhimmybedroom,he’daskedseveralrathersillyquestionsaboutwhatkindofsheetsIhadandthepositioningofmypillows—butIcouldn’thavefacetimephonesexwithNoahBrewster,oratleastIcouldn’tsober,andI’dneverdrunkanythingotherthanwaterwhiletalkingtohimbecauseitseemedunnecessaryandmaybeeveninconsiderate.Soinstead,afterwe’dmutuallyponderedwhetherthreadcountmadeanyrealdifference,Isaid,“WhatifIdriveouttovisityouinsteadofflying?”
“Seriously?Isn’tthatamillionmiles?”
“It’ssixteenhundred.”
“Idon’twanttodoanythingtodiscourageyou,butwouldn’tthatbeunnecessarilyhellish?”
“Ithinkitmightbegoodforme.Icouldcommunewithmythoughtswhilethelandscapepoeticallywhipspast.”
“Isdrivingalonesafe?Sorryifthat’ssexist,but—”
“NowyoucansendmeaformalapologyandsignitBest.”ThenIadded,“It’snotsexist.Ithinkitwouldbesafeenough.”
“You’dhavetotextmealotaboutwhereyouare.I’mworriedthatmySallyradarmightgetspottyinsomeofthosewesternstates.”
Icouldfeel—and,inminiature,see—myselfsmilinggoofily.MaybeIwasasucker,ormaybehehadalittletoomuchpractice,buthewassodisarminglysweet.“HowaboutifIattachatransmittingantennatothetopofmycar?”Isaid.“Ortothetopofmyhead?”
“That’sagreatplan,andthenIcaneventrackwhenyoupopintoaconveniencestorein,like,ruralUtah.”
“Don’tjudgemewhenIbuyDoritos.”
“Doritosarethebest.Sowhencanyouleave?”
Ihadthoughtinourfirstphoneconversationthatsomeclarificationwouldoccur,someexplicitacknowledgmentthatourcontactwasromantic,orpresumedtobeuntilprovenotherwise.Ithadn’t.Thedynamicbetweenuswasflirtyandnotexplicitinanysense.Andcouldn’tIhaveraisedthesubjectaseasilyashecould?Exceptthatdidn’tIhavemoretolose?Instead,webothkeptchattingwarmly.Whywouldn’tthisbetheromanceofromance?andI’mreallyattractedtoyou,andIhavebeensincethatpitchmeetinginNigel’soffice—ifIwaslookingforconfirmation,thoselinesfromhisemailsweremystrongestevidence.AndthosewerelinesIlikedverymuch,linesIhadrereadmanytimesevenaftermemorizingthem.Butalso:IwouldsayIwasdefinitelytryingtoimpressyouandIwasnottryingtoseduceyou.
“SothatIknowhowtopack,”Isaid,“howlongdoyouenvisionmestaying?”
“Aslongasyouwant,”hesaid.
Andthen,insteadofactuallyresolvingthequestion,Isaid,“AreyouthekindofAirbnbhostwholeavesouttheirframedfamilyphotosandtheirhalf-emptyyogurtintherefrigeratorordoyoumakeitimmaculatebeforeyourguestsarrive?”
Helaughed.“Foryou,I’llmakeitimmaculatebecauseIwantyoutogivemefivestars.”
Thenextmorning,Itexted,WhatifIleaveKCmorningofAug1andgettoyoueveningofAug2?
YouleavingKCmorningofAug1andgettingtomeeveningofAug2isafantasticidea,hetextedback.
OnJuly31,aFedExpackagearrivedatJerry’shouse:thetwelve-countcaseofproteinbars,aneleven-by-sixteen-inchspiral-boundroadatlas,andagrayT-shirtthatsaidCaliforniainayellow1980sfont.Intheaccompanyingnote,he’dwritten,Sally,Ican’twaittoseeyou!Yourpenpal,Noah.Ihadneverseenhishandwriting,andeventhatseemedtouching,andfilledmewithyearning:thewaytheSinSallyconnectedfromitsbasetothea,theunadornedcapitalI,thestraightunloopedlinejuttingdownfromtheyinyou.Butwaspenpalintendedtobereadasaninsidejokeorareferencetoourplatonicstatus?
Thatnight,weendedourconversationatmidnight,meaningearly,andIsetthealarmonmyphonefor6:15a.m.ThoughI’dtoldJerryhedidn’tneedtogetupinthemorning,hedid;inhiswhite-and-blueseersuckerbathrobe,hecarriedmyboxofproteinbarsandmasksoutsideandsetitonthepassengersideinthefrontseat,thenheembracedmeandsaid,“Somestatesletyoudriveeighty,butIthinkabitslowerissafer.”Sugarfrolickedatourfeet,andIcrouchedtopether.IhadexplainedtoJerrythatIwasgoingtovisitafriendinL.A.foraweekortwo,andhissister,myauntDonna,whomI’dbeengroceryshoppingforwhenIshoppedforJerryandme,hadofferedhercar;she’dsaidsincesheandmyuncleRichardhardlywentanywherethesedays,theydidn’tneedtwo.
ItwasstrangetoleaveJerry’shouse;itwasstrangenottoknowhowlongI’dbeinCalifornia;itwasstrange,evenafterfiveyears,toliveintheworldwithoutmymother;itwasstrangetobeapersonduringaglobalpandemic.Istartedtheengineandbackedoutofthedriveway,wavedgoodbyetoJerryandSugarfromthestreet,andturnedupthevolumeonthefolkywomensatelliteradiostation,andaMaryChapinCarpentersongIknewallthewordstofilledthecar.IwasbothexcitedandmelancholyasIdrovesouthonStateLineRoad,throughtheearlymorningsummerlight,andmymelancholyliftedsomeasIreachedtheShawneeMissionParkwayandbythetimeIpassedthroughOlathe,Kansas,halfanhourlater,itwasalmostcompletelygone,oratleasteclipsedbygiddinessandnervousnessandsheerhorniness.Thehighwayinfrontofmewaslongandmostlyflat,andIrealizedthatIhadbeenthisexcitedandterrifiedonlyoneothertimeinmylife;ithadbeenwhenIinterviewedatTNO.
—
TheAlbuquerqueHamptonInnwasfourstoriesflankedbyamostlyemptyparkinglotofbleakconcrete,withtheSandiaMountainsvisibleintheeast.Sittingonthebedinmyroom,Iatedinnerat8:15mountaintime:twoproteinbars,abanana,andanorangeI’dpurchasedearlierinthedayatagasstationinthenorthwestcorneroftheTexasPanhandle.Thedrivehadgonewellenough,thehighwaytakingmeacrosstheincreasinglybarrenstateofKansas,thenabriefdipthroughOklahoma,anonlyslightlylongerjauntinTexas,andthefinalhoursinNewMexico:theroadstraightandendless;theopenexpansesoflandoneithersideamixofbleachedgrass,sand,andscrub;theskybigandreassuringlyblue.ThoughI’dplannedwhiledrivingtoeitherhaveprofoundthoughtsaboutnatureandhumanityorelsedeterminethestructureof“Supremely,”whichwastheworkingtitleofmybarelyexistentscreenplayabouttheSupremeCourtjustice,I’dmostlyspacedoutforlongstretches.ThesestretcheswereabruptlypunctuatedwiththeimpulsetogripthesteeringwheelwhenIfoundmyselfpassingatruckor,farmorepleasantly,bybeingintermittentlystartledattheknowledgethatImightbehavingsexwithNoahinabouttwenty-fourhours.Mightn’tI?Aspromised,ItextedhimeachtimeIstopped,andhealwaystextedbackimmediately.
BecauseJerrywasnotatexter,IemailedtotellhimI’dmadeittoAlbuquerque.ThenIputonamask,leftmyroom,hurriedthroughthelobby—Ipassedalonefamilycarryingcampinggear—andstoodbeneaththeportecochereinsertingmyearbuds.Thesunhadset,butthewesternskywasstillfaintlyorange.WhenIcalledNoah,hesaid,“Howwasyourdinner?”
“Thankstoyourcarepackage,delicious,andnowI’mwalkingaroundtheparkinglottogetsomeair.Howareyou?”
“I’mtryingtolookatmyhousethroughyoureyestoseeifthere’sanythingIshouldhide.Also,Margitisabouttoordergroceries.Youdrinkgrapefruitseltzerwaterandputoatmilkinyourcoffee,right?”
“Aslongasyoudon’thaveaConfederateflag,we’regood.Andyes.”
“EventhoughJerrythinksoatmilkisweird.”
“Yes.EventhoughJerrythinksit’sweird.”HearingNoahsayJerry’sname,NoahknowingwhoJerrywas,stillwasbothoddandsweet.
“Oneotherthingalongtheselines,thethingImentionedthatweshoulddiscuss—doyourememberthatIdon’tkeepalcoholinmyhouse?Areyouokaywiththat?”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid.
“Pleasedon’tsayit’sokayjusttobepolite.I’mbeinghonestthatnothavingwineorwhateverinthehouseismypreference,butI’msurewecanfiguresomethingoutifthatfeelstooextremetoyou.WhenIhavefriendsover,theybringstuffandtakeitwhentheygo,soit’snotlikeI’vebanneditonthepremises.”
Iwasquietforafewsecondsbeforesaying,“I’mhonestlyokaywithit.Ifitwasallthesametoyou,thensure,I’dhaveadrinkwhenIgetthere,justbecause—well—nottosounddorky,butI’malittlenervous.Butnothavingadrinkisn’tabigsacrifice.”Ithought,notforthefirsttime,thatplainlyexpressingyourfeelingsaboutfraughttopicswassignificantlyharderthanwritingbanterbetweenimaginarycharacters.
“Willyoutellmeifthatchanges?”Noahsaid.
“TheamountI’dwantadrinkislessthantheamountIwantittobeanon-issueforyou,”Isaid.“Butyes,Iwill.”
“Thankyou,Sally,seriously.Andlasthousekeepingitem:Myhouseisalittlehardtofind,upabunchofwindingroads,andIwonderifIshouldmeetyouintheparkinglotofthisshoppingcenterandleadyouback.”
“Oh,Icanfindmyway.Thanks,though.”Ifeltthemostanxiousaboutthefirstsecondsandmomentsineachother’spresence.ThoughI’dtoldhiminanemailthatIthoughtourinteractionsatTNOmeantwealreadyknewwhatitwasliketobeinthesameroom,I’dconveyedthatsentimentwhenbeinginthesameroomagainhadstillbeenhypothetical.NowthatIwashalfwaytoL.A.,Iwaslesssure.Andwasn’tmeetinginaparkinglotlikeliertoonlyincreasetheawkwardness?
“Letmeknowifyoureconsider.Onceyou’vegottenontothe101,it’llbeabouttwentyminutestoTopangaCanyonBoulevard,andthingsaremoretwisty-turnythefarthersouthyouget.Whenyoureallystarttothinkyou’reinthewrongplace,itmeansyou’realmosttomyhouse.”
“Thatdoesn’tsoundominousatall.”
Helaughed.“There’sastonewallalongtheproperty,thenthere’sagateinfrontofthedriveway.Justpulluptotheintercom,andafterthegateopens,yougoupthehillandI’llbewaitingforyouinfrontofthehouse.”
WasthisthemomenttomentionthatI’dgoogledhishouseandtheterra-cottatilesinthefronthallwerelovely?Perhapsnot.
“Oneotherthing,intheinterestoffulldisclosure,”hesaid.“Ifyouchangeyourmindaboutmeetingatthatshoppingcenter,there’sachanceofpaparazziintheparkinglot.Theyliketolurkoutsidethefancygrocerystore.I’massumingyou’rekindofusedtothatwithyourTNOfriends,butIwouldn’twantyoutobecaughtoffguard.”
“Okay.”Ajitterinessswelledinmystomach,distinctfromtheswoonyanticipationofseeinghim;thisjitterinesswassour.
“Itseemslikethey’retherelessduringthepandemic,butyouneverknow.”
IwaspassingthebackoftheHamptonInnatthispoint;thecurtainswereclosedinmostrooms.Infrontofme,themountainshadturnedblack.Accordingtomyphone,itwasseventy-eightdegrees—alreadycoolerthanwhenI’dcheckedinanddryinawaythatcontrastedfavorablytomylastfulldayinKansasCity,whenthetemperaturehadreachedamoistninety-sixdegrees.BeforeIcouldstopmyself,Isaid,“WoulditbeeasierifIstayatahotel?”
Slowly,afterasilence,Noahsaid,“Easierinwhatway?”
“Logistically?Idon’tknow.”
“Wouldyoubemorecomfortableinahotel?”
WhyhadIintroducedthispossibility?Whatwaswrongwithme?Itwasalmostlikegettingthroughthealcoholdiscussionunscathedhadsetmeupforsubsequentfailure,likeIwasincapableofnotsomehowbotchingthings.“Ithinkitwouldbe,uh—lessfun?”Isaid.“ButIalsodon’twanttoimpose.”
“Ithinkitwouldbemuchlessfunifyoustayinahotel,”hesaid.“Andjustsoyouknow,Ihaveplentyofbedroomssohoweveryouwanttohandlethat—like,nottoassumeanything.”
Surelytherewassomeperfect,cleverwaytorespond,somelinethatwouldmaketheconversationupbeatagaininsteadofclumsy,thatwouldcharminglyconveythatIappreciatedhischivalrybutverymuchhopedhewantedtoshareabed.AndifI’dhadadayortwotocomeupwiththatline,orifI’dbeenwritingitinasketchforsomeoneelse,likeVivorHenrietta,IwasprettysureIcouldhavefiguredoutwhatitwas.Butasmyself,inrealtime,Iwastongue-tied.Afterafewseconds,Isaid,“Yeah,that’sfine.”
Again,therewasasecondortwoofsilence,buthisvoicewaswarmwhenhesaid,“Youknowhowyousaidyou’realittlenervous?I’malotnervous.”
“Yeah,right.”
“HowcouldInotbe?TNO’sstarwriteriscomingtovisitme.”
“AreyoumoreorlessnervousthanwhenyoulastperformedatMSG?”
“Waymore,”hesaid,andwebothlaughed.Itwasabelatedrealizationtohave,butitoccurredtomethatperhapsthiswashowgrown-upconversationsworked—notthatyourcommunicationdidn’tfalter,butthatyoubothmadegood-faithattemptstorectifythingsafterithad.
—
Inthemorning,Iwokeatfive,beforethealarmonmyphonewentoff,andevenwithmyscrupulousshoweringandadditionaldepilation,Iwasbackonthehighwaybysix.ThesunrosebehindmeasIdrove,castingapinklightonthelandandvegetationoneithersideoftheroad.BecauseitwaseightinNewYork,andbecausethehighwaywasalmostunsettlinglyempty,IcalledViv.
“Hasthebootytrainleftthestation?”sheasked.
“It’sbarrelingtowardL.A.atseventy-fivemilesanhour,andIthinkImighthaveapanicattack.”
“Rightnow?”
“No,I’llprobablywaituntilIgettoCalifornia.Howwasthemassagelesson?”
“Webothkeptitinourpants,”Vivsaid.“Sorrytodisappointyou.”
Vivhadhiredadoulatoattendherdelivery,asilver-hairedsixtysomethingwomannamedGloria,andthepreviousnightGloriahadprovidedaperinealmassagetutorialoverZoom.Inadvance,VivandIhadspeculatedaboutwhetherGloriaplannedtoshowherperineumtoVivorexpectedVivtoshowhers.
“Didsheuseananatomicallycorrectmannequin?”Iasked.
“Sheusedapieceofpaperandapen.Butspeakingofperinealexploration,whendoyougettoNoah’s?”
“Lateafternoonorearlyevening.”
“Andwhyareyougoingtohaveapanicattack?”
“Reallifeisjustawkward,”Isaid.“Whatifhefindsmeboring?”
“Whatifyoufindhimboring?Bytheway,I’mboilingeggs,andyou’recomingalongwithmenowfromthebedroomtothekitchen.Youknowwhattheseeggsare?”
“Free-rangeorganic?”
“They’remysecondbreakfast.”
“Congratulations.”
Icouldhearasortofshiftingandrustlinginthebackground,thenVivsaid,“Theothinksyouputtheeggsinbeforeyoubringthewatertoaboil,butthey’resomuchbetterwhenyouboilthewaterthenputintheeggs.”
“Ionlymakescrambledeggs,soI’mSwitzerlandhere.”
“HaveyouheardBiancaisgettingfired?IgotatextfromTonylastnight.”
“Oh,thatsucks,”Isaid.“PatricktoldmeElliottoldhimtheretreatdefinitelyisn’thappeningthisyear.”ThiswasanannualTNOgetawayataresortintheCatskillspriortothefirstshowweek,anditwasmeanttofosterprofessionalunitywhileinvariablyresultinginevenmorecliquishbehaviorthanhappenedinthestudio.
“Ican’tsayI’msurprised,”Vivsaid.“Soisthethingyou’reworriedaboutpoopingatNoah’shouse?”
“DidIalreadytellyouthat?”
“Sally,I’veknownyouforalongtime.”
TheruleI’dimposedonmyselfafterNoahandIhadstartedemailing,butevenbeforehe’dannouncedhowmuchhetrustedme,wasNoforwardingandnoscreenshots.IcouldsummarizetoVivandHenriettawhatwashappening,andcertainlyIcouldeditorializeaboutmymany,manyfeelings,butIcouldn’tshowthemanything,norcouldIshareanytrulypersonaldetailsthatNoahrevealedtomeabouthimself.
Isaid,“WhatifbecauseI’vewrittensketchesaboutdiarrheaandBO,heassumesI’mcomfortablewithdiarrheaandBO?”
“Idon’tthinkhe’sthatmuchofapsychologicalsimpleton.”
“Butwe’veneverdiscussedthatstuff.”
“Really?Whilewritinglong,romanticemailsaboutyouryearningsandyourinnersouls,thatdidn’tcomeup?I’mshocked.Okay,here’swhatyoudo.Whenyou’reonthetoilet,assoonasthedoodiecomesout,likethesecondithitsthewater,youflush.Youmighthavetoflushafewtimes,butthatway,itdoesn’tsticktothebowlasmuchandyoustinkupthebathroomless.”
“Isthattrue?”
“It’sprobablymootbecausehemustliveinamansionwithamillionbathrooms.I’mgivingyoutipsfromwhenI’dgohomewithguyswholivedinstudios,butyou’llbepoopinghalfamileawayfromNoah.”
“Poopingunderthesameroofasaguyyoulikeisastateofmind.”ThenIsaid,“WhatifIgetthereandhe’slike,‘Isovalueourrobustplatonicfriendship’?”
“Thenyouplatonicallyshakehishand,tellhimgoodluck,rentasweetlittleplaceonthebeach,andgetonTinder.”Atimerbeeped,andsheadded,“Butsinceheunambiguouslytoldyouhe’sattractedtoyou,I’dbesurprised.”
“Arethoseyoureggs?”
“Thosearemyeggs.Takedeepbreathsandkeepmeposted.”
ItwasoutsideofFlagstaff,Arizona,fivehoursintothedrive,thatIrealizedhowIshouldhaverepliedwhenNoahhadsaid“Nottoassumeanything”aboutsharingabed.Inajauntytone,Ishouldhavesaid,“Assumeaway!”
—
ThegasstationinCanogaPark,California,was,accordingtothedirectionsonmyphone,10.3milesandtwenty-fourminutesfromNoah’shouse.ItwasalittleafterfivePacifictime,adryandsunnyseventy-fourdegrees,andthestretchwhereI’dstoppeddidn’tlooksodifferentfromstripmallsinKansasCityexceptforthepalmtreesliningtheroad.AfterI’dfilledthetank,asIwalkedtowardtheentranceoftheconveniencestore,myheartpoundedandmyentirebodyshook.AlthoughI’dbelievedmyselftobenervouswhenI’dspokentoNoahbyphonethefirsttime,andalsowhenwe’dfirstfacetimed,thoseepisodesseemed,inretrospect,quaintlymild.ForChrist’ssake,Noahwas10.3milesaway!
Outsidethedoorsoftheconveniencestore,Iputonmymask.Inside,Ifoundthebathroom,peedvoluminouslyandwashedmyhandsvigorously,thensetmytoiletrykitonthe(germy?orrecentlycleaned?)counterbythesink.Iremovedmymask,brushedmyteethapproximatelythreetimesmorethoroughlythanInormallydid,rinsedmymouthwithmouthwashfromatravel-sizedbottleI’dboughtatadrugstoreinKansasCitytwodaysbefore,appliedlipbalm,andputmymaskbackon.Holdingmytravel-sizeddeodorant,myhandshooksointenselythatIalmostmissedmyarmpitonthefirsttry.Iremindedmyselfofsomeone,andthenIrealizeditwasSugarduringathunderstorm.
IhaddecidedaheadoftimethatI’dchangeeveryarticleofclothing,evenmyunderwearandbra,orespeciallymyunderwearandbra.Ididsoinsideastall,standingontopofmysneakerswhiletryingtoavoidsettingmysockedfeetagainstthebarefloor.AfterIwaswearingmyfavoriteandmostflatteringblackT-shirtandcroppedjeans,asmylastactoftransformation,Ibenttopeeloffmysocksandsteppedintoblacksandals.Myfeetweren’thorrificallysweaty,norweretheydaisyfresh.I’dcleansethemwithdisinfectantwipesinthecar,Idecided,andwishedthatbeingawareofmyownridiculousnesscouldsomehowdecreasemyridiculousness.
TherewasnothinglefttodoexceptgoseeNoah.Iregardedmyselfoncemoreinthegasstationmirrorandthought,asIhadn’tforyears,ofwhatmymotherhadsaidafterI’drepeatedElliot’slineaboutconfusingtheromanceofcomedywiththeromanceofromance.Firstshe’dsaid,“Whatapretentiousturd.”Thenshe’dsaid,“Ipromisethatsomedayyou’llfindtheloveyoudeserve,butitmightnotbewhenorhowyou’reexpectingit.”
AsIleftthebathroomandpassedtherefrigeratorsofsodaandicedteaandbottledwaterbehindtheirclearglassdoors,Isquintedinuncertainty—coulditbe?—andthen,undermymask,Icouldn’thelplaughing.Itwasn’tthatloud,butitwasunmistakable:Throughthestore’ssoundsystem,aMuzakversionof“MakingLoveinJuly”wasplaying.
—
ItwastruethatasIenteredTopangaCanyon,IquicklyfeltasifIwereinthemiddleofnowhere,inawaythatwasbeautifulandmight,underothercircumstances,havebeencalming.Thewindingtwo-laneroadappearedfarmoreruralthanaplacelessthananhourfromdowntownL.A.hadanyrightto.ItledmepastthecraggySantaMonicamountainsononesideandsteeplyslopingdescentsontheother,pastthicketsofchaparralandsandstoneoutcroppingsandtheoccasionalhousebuiltintothetree-filledhillsides.Turningsouth,IcaughtmyfirstglimpseofthehazyturquoiseofthePacificOcean.Itdisappearedandreappearedastheroadcurved.
Afterfifteenminutes,Imadeasharpright.Iwasbythispointnotsuremyheartcouldbeatanyfasterwithoutitqualifyingasamedicalevent.Therewasthenthestonewall,thegate,andthedrivewaybehindit,whichroseupahillofscrubandtreesinsuchawaythatithidthehouse.IwassonervousthatwhenIbrakedandtriedtoeaseuptotheintercomatthegate,Imissedbyaboutfivefeet.Ibackedoutandtriedagain.Extendingmyleftarmoutthewindow,Ipressedasilverbutton,andNoah’svoice—asopposedtothevoiceofsomemanservant—said,“Hithere,Sally.Gate’sopeningnow.”Atopstonecolumnsflankingthegate,Inoticedvideocameras,andIfeltthesameuneasinessIhadwhenNoahhadmentionedpaparazziinthegrocerystoreparkinglot.Thegateopened,andIdroveontotheproperty.
I’dascendedperhaps150feetwhenthelandleveledoffandthehouseappeared,thesamesprawlingstuccohaciendaI’dseenonline.Thereal-lifefactofitremindedmeofencounteringoneofthefamousMonetpaintingsofwaterliliesattheMetafterstudyingitinanarthistoryclass.Indeed—itdidexist.Iwasstillahundredfeetfromthehouse,andamalefigurewasapproachingthecarinjeansandatealT-shirtandablackmask,andmyheartwasanexplodingfirecracker.Evenwithamaskon,evenfromthisdistance,Noahwasshockinglyhandsome.
Ibrakedagainwhenweweretenfeetapart—Noahfuckingfake-surferMaking-Love-in-JulyBrewsterandme,SallyMilz—andmywindowwasstillopenfromspeakingintotheintercom,andmydecidedlyingloriousfirstwordswere“ShouldIbewearingamask?”
Frombehindhismask,hesaid,“ShouldInotbewearingone?”Abovehismask,hiseyescrinkledinawayIwasprettysuremeanthewassmiling,andhesaid,“WelcometoCalifornia.”
“ShouldIparkhereorpullupbythegarage?”Iasked.
“Youshouldparkherebecauseyou’vebeeninthatcarforway,waytoolong.”Hepulledhismaskdowntohischin.“AndIshouldtakethisoffbecausestartingnow,we’reinapodtogether.”Heunhookedthestrapsfromhisearsandstuffedthemaskintoabackpocket,andtherevealofhisface—well,itwasn’tasifIneededconfirmationthathewasveryattractive,butifIdid,hisblueeyeswereintense,andhislipswereslightlypuffyandframedbylaughlines,andhisthickeyebrowsandstubblewerelightbrown.And,thoughthiswashardtofathom,therewassomeopennessinhisexpressionandbearingthatmadehimseempalpably,disorientinglypleasedthatI’darrived.
Iturnedofftheengine,madebriefandpanickedeyecontactwithmyselfintherearviewmirror,andgotout,andNoahwasrightthere,zerofeetaway,andourbodiesweresmashedtogetherandourarmswerewrappedaroundeachother.Becausehewasafewinchestaller,myfacewaspressedtohispartiallystubblyneck,andthefeelandsmellofhisskinandhisstubbleandhiswholeclothedbodyagainstminewasthenicestfeelingIhadeverfelt.ItallwasbothcomfortingandexcitinginacombinationIhadn’tpreviouslyknownexisted,andwestayedlikethatforalongtime.
Andthen,finally,becauseIwasmeandcompelledtobreakthemomentevenasIwonderedifwewereabouttobeginkissingpassionately,Ipulledawayandlookedupathimandsaid,“Yourdirectionswereexcellent.”
“Doyouneedabathroomorsomewateroranything?”
“I’mokaybecauseIstoppedbeforeIgottoTopanga.”Iappreciatednotonlyhisconsideratenessbutalsotheunromanticnessofacknowledgingpee.Iextendedoneleg.“Ichangedintomyfancyshoes.”
“Thosearegreatfancyshoes.”Hetiltedhisheadtowardthehouse.“HowaboutifIshowyouaround?Justleaveyourstuffinthecarfornow.”
“Ihavesomethingforyou.”Thedriver’ssidedoorwasstillopen,andIwascarefulnottoretrievehisgiftbybendingfromthewaistandstickingmybuttupathim,butbysittingdownagainintheseatandleaningovertograbthegraypaperbag.WhenI’dreemerged,Ihandedittohim.Ifeltconsciousofanongoing,full-bodyshakiness.
“Howexciting,”hesaid.
“Youmightwanttokeepyourexpectationsincheck.”
Hegrinned.“Oh,it’sfartoolateforthat.”Hereachedintothebagand,onebyone,extractedandopenedeachindividuallypaper-wrappedkeychainI’dpurchasedalongtheway.Afterthefirst,hesaid,“I’vealwayslongedforakeychainintheshapeofNewMexico.”Asheopenedthesecond,headded,“AndI’vealsoalwayslongedforaTexascowboyhatkeychain.Oh,andanArizonacactus.”TheremainingoneswerearetroKansaslicenseplatewithstalksofwheatandanOklahomastatebird;Ihad,ofcourse,thoughtofNigelwhilepurchasingit.
Isaid,“There’snothingforMissouribecauseIwasovertheKansasborderaboutfiveminutesafterleavingthehouse.”
“ThefunnythingisIneverwantedaMissourikeychain,”hesaid.“IhaveanewregardforMissouri.Don’tgetmewrong.Buttheirkeychainsjustaren’tmystyle.”He’dunwrappedthemallbythispoint,andhesaid,“Thankyou.Ilovethem.”
“IwantedtogetyousomethingIwasconfidentyoudidn’talreadyhave.”
Hesethispalmonmybareforearm,andIthoughtofthelinefrom“MakingLoveinJuly”thatwent,“Didyoufeelit,too/myhandbrushedagainstyou.”Ithoughtoffirsthearingthesongalmosttwentyyearsbefore,thesummerbetweenmyfreshmanandsophomoreyearsofcollege,andthinkingitwassillyandnothavingthefaintestinklingofwhoNoahBrewsterwouldeventuallybecometome.Also,whenwerewegoingtostartkissingpassionately?Hesaid,“They’reperfect.”
Insidethehouse,wefoundourselvesinahigh-ceilingedentryhallwithwhitestuccowallsand,asinthepicturesI’dseenonline,afloorofterra-cottabricktilesinterspersedwithblue-and-whiteceramictiles.AninteriorarcheddoorwaythatopenedontoalargelivingroomconfirmedthattheaestheticwasCasuallyFancySouthwesternandTheColorWhite.Asheledmethroughthelivingroom,thediningroom,andthestudy,almostalltherugsandcouchesandchairswerewhite—thefurniture’sfabricwasoftenlinen,withacouplecowhideottomansthrownin—andalmostallthetableslookedexpensivelyrough-hewn.Standinginthedoorwayofthestudy,Ipointedatthedeskandsaid,“Isthatwhereyousatwhenyouwereemailingme?Wherethemagichappens?”
Helaughed.“Someofthetime.”
Therewasakindofinstrumentroom,nottobeconfusedwiththefreestandingrecordingstudio,thatwasmostlyemptyexceptforagrandpianoandbench,fourguitarsonstandsagainstawall,andalarge(white)armlesschairinonecorner.Thekitchenwasalsolargeandopen,withamassivewoodenislandandastainlesssteelrefrigeratorandastainlesssteelrangeandanentirewalloffloor-to-ceilingwindowsthatrevealedalongrectangularpoolsetinapatioofterra-cottatiles.Westeppedontothepatio,whereAdirondackchairscircledafirepit.Beyondthepool,thelandfellawayintoavalleythenroseagainintomountains,abovewhichthepaleblueskywasclearandexpansive.
“Wherearewerightnowinrelationtotheocean?”Iasked.
Hejabbedhisthumboveroneshoulder.“It’sthatway.”
“Niceview,”Isaid.“Anditsmellsevenbetterthantheinsideofmycar.”
Helaughed.“It’stheeucalyptus.”
“Doyouactuallyswim,oristhepoolmoredecorative?It’skindofZen.”
“Interestingyoushouldask.Muchlikewithcooking,I’vegoneswimmingmoreinthelastfewmonthsthaninthepreviousfewyears.Istartedoutdoinglapsforexercisebutnow,justforfun,IfloataroundoninflatablesthatIusedtoputoutforpartiesbutneverusedonmyown.”
“Whereareyourbutlerandchambermaidrightnow?Aretheywatchingusonclosed-circuitTV?”
Helaughed.“Ihopenot.No,GlennandMargitgoseetheirgrandkidsontheweekends,andtheyusuallystayovernight.TheirdaughterlivesinTorrance.”
“Dotheirgrandkidscomehere?Haveyoumetthem?”
“Theydon’tusuallycomehere,butIhavemetthem.It’saboyandgirlwhoarecloseinagetomynephews.”
Isweptonehandhorizontally,takingitallin,andsaid,“Well,youhaveaverynicebackyard.”
“ThetruthisthatTopangaisn’ttheidealplacetobeintermsofwildfires,butotherwiseit’sprettygreat.Andthingshavebeenokaythissummer.”Oureyesmet,andhesaid,“ShouldIhavementionedthewildfirethingbeforeyoudrovehalfwayacrossthecountry?”
“Wildfiressoundterrifying,butI’mnotsurethatwouldhavestoppedme.”
Wereenteredthekitchen,whichseguedintoanentiresecond,ormaybethird,sittingroom,withawhitecouchandtwowhitechairsfacingaflat-screentelevision.Igesturedtowardit.“IsthatwhereyouwatchTNO?”
“EverySaturdaywithoutexception.”Aswereturnedtothefrontofthehouse,hesaid,“Iboughttheplacein2014butdidn’tmoveinuntil2016becauseofrenovations.IguesstherenovatingwouldhavebeenapainifI’dbeeninahurry,butsinceI’mreallyinterestedinarchitecture,Ifoundthewholeprocessfun.”
Icouldn’tbringmyselftoinquiremore—thisintereststillseemedaffectedinawayhegenerallywasn’t—butImanagednottomakesomesnottyjokeaboutit,sowasn’tthatawash,orevenaminorvictory?
Weenteredacorridoroffwhichwerethreebedrooms,allofthemsolargeandairythatIassumedthefirstwashis,andexperiencedasilenttitillationatthesightofthebed,untilhesaid,“Thisistheroommysisterpreferswhenshe’shere.”Ithenassumedthesecondwashis—likethefirst,ithadaking-sizedbedwithabigwhitecoverletandafewWestern-seemingleatherthrowpillows—andIthenassumedthethirdwashis.Butinthethird,hesaid,“IthoughtI’dgivethisonetoyou.Ithinkit’sthebestbecauseit’sontheend,butifyoureallywantprivacy,wecansetyouupinthepoolhouse.”Hewaslookingatmewithanattentiveandsearchingexpression,andIwonderedifwe’dcometooppositeconclusionsafterdiscussingthebedroomthingonthephone—ifhe’dthoughtI’dbeensincerelyrequestingspaceinsteadofjusttryingtogivehimanout.And,seriously,whenwouldwekiss?Whatifwewaitedtoolongandmissedthewindowofopportunity,andIendedupnotonlycomingupwithjokesforhisappearanceonalate-nighttalkshowbutaccidentallyghostwritinghisentirememoir?
Orwhatifinsteadofwaitingforhimtokissme,Ikissedhimfirst?Ifherebuffedme,thebadnewswouldbethatI’dneedtojumpinmycaranddrivebacktoKansasCityimmediately,butthegoodnewswouldbethatitwouldbesuchavividlyhumiliatingexperiencethatsurelyI’dderivepersonalandprofessionalinspirationfromitforyearstocome.
Butonceagain,Ididnothing.Isimplysaid,“Oh,Idon’tneedtosleepinthepoolhouse.”
Wecrossedagainthroughtheentryhall,andthenweweredefinitelyinthemastersuite:twiceaslargeastheguestbedrooms,withitsownsittingarea—itseemedsopredictableastoalmostnotbeworthnotingthatthebedroomwasbiggerthanmyentireapartmentinNewYork—andtheadjacentbathroomfeatureddoublesinksinaquartzcountertopandanenormousquartzshowerandahuge,oval,freestandingbathtub.Asintheguestrooms,thisbedwastidilymadewithawhitecoverlet,but,onthebureauandbedsidetables,therewerepersonalobjects—aniPadandalegalnotepadandaheavy-lookingcylindricalsilverclockwithalit-upfaceofshiftinglight-anddark-browngeometricalshapes.Therereallywasn’tmuchclutter,though;eitherhewasatidypersonorMargitorGlenncleanedupafterhim,orboth.
Itoccurredtometopointatthebedandsay,“Isthatwherethemagichappens?”ButImanagedtosuppressthisunhelpfulimpulseaswellandinsteadsaid,“Ifeellikesomethingismissinginhere.”
Wewerestandingwithourbackstothebathroomdoor,justinsidethebedroom,andheglancedatmewithanalertexpression.
“AnIndigoGirlsposter,”Isaid.
Helaughed.“Iguesspeoplebuypostersonlinenow,right?Iusedtogotoamusicstoreatthemallandpagethroughthosegiantplasticracks.”
“Same,”Isaid.“AndthengetanOrangeJulius.”
Ifeltconsciousofhavingcometotheendofthetour,consciousofbeinginhisbedroom,consciousoftheintimacyofourconversation.EvenasIwasexquisitelyawareofhisnearness,IalsowasthinkinginanabstractwayabouthowIhadbeenonekindofpersonupuntilmydivorce,aresignedandconstrainedperson.ThenIhadbeenanotherkindofpersonforthelastdecade,acynicalandcompartmentalizedperson.WasthereanyreasonIcouldn’tnowbecomeathirdkindofperson,mademoreconfidentbyexperienceandbraverbythecurrentreminderofhowfragileandtenuousallourliveshadbeenallalong?AndstillNoah’sheadwasturnedtolookatme,andmyheadwasturnedtolookathim.
HesmiledatmeinawayIhadneverbeforebeensmiledat,asmileofsuchtendernessandopennessandwarmth.“Hi,”hesaid.
“Hi,”Ireplied.
WestillweremakingeyecontactasIbrushedthebackofmyrighthandagainstthebackofhisleftone,andthenourfingersintertwinedalittle.This,hiscomplicity,bolsteredme,andIsteppedaroundsothatIwasfacinghim.Theshiftmadeiteasiertoproperlyholdhands,notjustontheonesidebut,almostwithoutmyrealizingit,ontheotherside,too.“So,”Isaid,andIreallydidfeellikeImightdisruptthespace-timecontinuumwiththehugenessofwhatseemedtobeabouttohappen.IhadneverinitiatedafirstkisswithsomeoneIcaredabout,andIhadneverinitiatedafirstkisswhilesober.
“So,”hesaid,stillsmiling.
Itookonemoresteptowardhim—again,theclosenessofhim,themammaliansmellofhim,mademeswoony—andthenIstoodonmytiptoesandleanedinandpressedmymouthagainsthis.
Therewas,ofcourse,apartofmymindnarratingtheaction,declaring,It’shappening!Holyshit,it’shappening!Butaswekeptkissing,aswealternatedbetweenpursingourlipsandpullingbackandsmilingandsettingourhandsoneachother’sshouldersandbacks,ashistongueslippedforwardandtouchedmine,myinnernarratorreceded,orwentsomewhereelse.Andthentherewasjustthesheerphysicalpleasureandexcitementofmymouthtouchinghismouthandtheskinonmyhandsandarmsandfaceandnecktouchingtheskinonhishandsandarmsandfaceandneckandtherestofmyclothedbodypressedtotherestofhisclothedbody.Itfeltlikearelief,likesomethingI’dbeenwaitingforsinceTNOandmuchoftheworldhadshutdowninMarch,andalsolikesomethingI’dbeenwaitingforsincehe’dshownmehistattoosin2018,andalsolikesomethingI’dbeenwaitingformywholelife.Anditfeltlikeanastonishingmiracle.IfthiswasallIevergot,itwouldbethebestthingthathadeverhappenedtome,andifthiswasallIevergot,I’dneverstopwantingmoreofit.
Andthenhepulledhisheadafullfootback,andalsotookastepback,thoughhishandswerestillcuppingmyjawoneithersideandhisexpressionwasstilltender.“Ihavesomethingtoshowyou,”hesaid.
ItwasbecauseIwasacomedywriter,andnotbecauseIwassexuallyfearless,thatIwastemptedtosay,“Yourpenis?”Instead,Isaid,“Isitbetterthanthis?”
Helaughed.“It’sinthekitchen.”
“Isitsourdoughbread?”
“No,althoughI’llmakedinnerifyou’rehungry,likesomesalmonandasalad,orelseMargitleftsomepremadestuffforus.”
Whocaresaboutdinner?Ithought.
Isaid,“IsitanNDAformetosign?”
Helaughed.“Alsono.”Heplacedahandonthesmallofmybacktosteermetowardthebedroomdoor.“It’skindofapresent,butitisn’tkeychains.”
DidhethinkIwasabadkisser?Wasthekissingnotsupposedtohavehappened?Wasthekissingsupposedtohavehappened,butwhenitwasn’tsomeguyoffadatingsite,wasitpaceddifferentlyandthesubsequentstuffdidn’toccurasquickly?WasitweirdthatIdidn’tknowhowthisallworkedeventhoughIwasthirty-eightyearsold,ordidnobodyknow?CountingMartinBiersch,myex-husband,twoearlierguysincollege,andtheassortmentofonlineserialhookups,I’dhadsexwithatotalofninemen.IfsomeonehadtoldmeofthisfigurewhenIwasinhighschool,I’dhavethoughtitsoundedlikeanembarrassmentofriches,butsurelyitwasnothingcomparedtoNoah’snumber.Evenapopstarwhoeschewedthetermplayboyhadtobe,bynormalstandards,aplayboy.
Backinthekitchen,onthewood-toppedisland,Inoticedashinyblackfolder.Hepulledasinglesheetofpaperfromit,withprintedwordsIcouldn’tread,andsaid,“It’ssomethingImadeasasurprise.Notasong.Moreofanactivity.”
“Thisisveryintriguing.”
“You’llknowwhatitisprettyquickly.Okay.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Ineedyoutogivemeanoun.”
Iwasn’tsureI’dheardhimcorrectly.“Anoun?Likeaperson,place,orthing?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyparticularkindofnoun?”
Heshookhishead.
“Let’ssee,”Isaid.“Howaboutdoor?”
Heusedaballpointpentowritethensaid,“Verbendingin-ing?”
“ThisislikeMadLibs.Fidgeting.”
Helookedsheepish.“ItisMadLibs.Butpersonalizedforyou.”Hebeganreading.“IjustdrovemydoorfromKansasCity,Missouri,toLosAngeles,California.AsIdrove,IwasfidgetingaboutwhetherI’d—”Helookedupfromthepage.“Thisisincrediblycorny,huh?”
“Well,we’vebarelystarted.Don’tgiveawaythepunchline.”
“Wedon’thavetodothis.”
“I’mhappyto.Doyouneedanadjective?”
Hisbrowfurrowed.“Ithoughtthiswascleverbeforeyougothere,butnowitseemsverycontrived.”
“It’sfun,”Iinsisted.
“Iwantyoutothinkcomingherewasagoodidea,”hesaid,andtherewasacatchinmychest,lessfromswooningthanfrombeingstartled.“IwantyoutothinkI’mnotboring,eventhoughIdon’tworkatTNO.”
Icouldtellthathewasn’tbeingsarcastic,orevenflirty.Hewasbeingcompletelyunguardedandsincere,andItriedtobeequallysincereasIsaid,“Idon’twanttoalarmyou,butnoonehasevermadeanythinglikethisforme.It’sso,like,premeditatedlysweet.AndIwantyoutothinkmyvisitwasagoodidea.Inyourroomjustthen—”Itrailedoffandlookedathimuncertainly.
“No,thatwasawesome,”hesaid.“Thatwasgreat.Tobehonest,IwasafraidofgoingtoofastandIjust—Iwanttoletyougetsettledhereandgetcomfortable.Idon’twantyoutofeelpressured.”
“I’mactuallyprettycomfortable.”
“Don’tgetmewrong,that’sdefinitelywhatIwant.ButIworrythatI’vespookedyouinthepast.”
Icouldfeelmyforeheadwrinkle.“When?”
“Atthebaraftertheafter-party.”
“Oh—Iwasreallyconfusedthatnight.Ialmostthought—well,Iwonderedifyouwereabouttokissme,butIcouldn’tbelieveyou’dwantto.”
“Iwasplanningonaskingyouout.OfcourseIwantedtokissyou,butIwouldn’thavedoneitthere.”
Itwasslightlyeasiertosummonmycouragethistime.Isaid,“Doyouwanttokissmenow?”
Wewerestandingwithacorneroftheislandbetweenus,andhesteppedaroundit,leanedhisfaceintomine,andkissedmylips.“Doesthatansweryourquestion?”
IsmiledasIsaid,“HaveImentionedthatI’mverycomfortablerightnow?Andnotatallspooked?”
Andthenweweremakingoutinthekitchen,andthistimehewasatinybitmorefamiliar,thetasteofhismouthandskinandthefeelofhisbody,andIwasatinybitmorerelaxed,andagainitwasoverwhelmingandexhilarating.Andagain,afteraminuteortwo,hesteppedback,thistimewithhishandsholdingmyupperarms.Henoddeddownoncewithhischinandsaid,“See?Ijust—Idon’twanttojumpthegunor,like,freakyouout.”
Iunderstood,asIhadn’tbefore,thathemeantbecausehehadanerection;evenbeforehe’dsaidanything,I’dbeenabletofeelit.AndI’dbeendelighted.Lookingathim,Ithoughtthathewassohandsome,butalsosoendearing.“Youknowwhat?”Isaid.“Let’sgobacktoyourroomandjumpthegun.”
—
Wedidnotendupeatingthesalmon.Wedidn’tendupeatingatalluntilaftermidnightwhenwewentouttothekitchenwithhimwearingnothingandmewearingonlymyblackT-shirt,whenwebothateahandfulofcashews,splitabanana,andchuggedwaterfromthesamehugeglassthathethencarriedbacktothebedroom.
Firstwe’dhadfast,ravenous,pulling-off-each-other’sclothes,first-time-with-each-othersexthatwasalsothere’s-a-pandemic-happening-and-we-might-be-in-the-twilight-of-humankindsex.Ididn’texpecttoclimaxandcertainlynotwhilewewereinthemissionaryposition—forChrist’ssake,itwasstilllightoutatthatpointandIwassober—whichmayhavebeenwhyIdid.Infact,Ididbeforehedid,andasImoaned,withhisrightshoulderbymymouthandhismouthbymyleftear,hesaidinalow,quietvoice,“Oh,Sally,”andthenhepulledoutandejaculatedallovermystomachandIthoughtabouthowJessa,theolderdaughterofmymother’sbestfriend,hadtoldmewhenIwasthirteenthatwhenyoudidn’tlikeaguy,thedisgustingthingsaboutsexweredisgusting,andwhenyoudidlikeaguy,thedisgustingthingsaboutsexweresexy.ItuggedNoahontome,andhesaid,“AmItooheavy?”andIsaid,“You’reperfect,”andwebothlaystillforalongtime,myarmswrappedaroundhim,hisfullweightonme,hisfacepressedagainstmyneck,hislefthandfiddlingwithmyhair.Mymindwasn’tracing;Iwasn’tnervous;therewasnothingotherthanthisthatIwanted.
Aftersomenumberofminutes—eight?Ortwenty-five?—herolledoffme,ontohisside,andpulledmesoIwasonmyside,too,sowewerefacingeachotherandhelookedatmefromaboutthreeinchesawaywithsuchintensityandaffectionthatIhadtoavertmygaze;Icouldn’thelpit.ButthenIlookedbackathimandsaid,“You’redefinitelyworthdrivingtwenty-sixhoursfor.Anddefinitelynotboring,eventhoughyoudon’tworkatTNO.”
Helaughed.“Andyouhaven’teventastedmypan-searedsalmonyet.”
“BythewayIhaveanIUD.Incasenexttimeyouwantto—”Ipausedandraisedmyeyebrows,awareagainofthestrangenessofhowthemostpreciseandsuccinctwayofsayingsomethingcouldfeelsplendidlyobscene.Icontinued,“Incasenexttimeyouwanttocomeinsideme.”
“I’dlovetocomeinsideyounexttime.”Hegrinned.“IhopeIdidn’tmaketoomuchofamessbefore.”
“Itwasagoodkindofmess,”Isaid.“AndIalsohave,uh,acleanbillofhealth.Sexually.”
“Goodtoknowandsameforme.”
Heleanedinandkissedmymouthandthesexwehadthattimewasslowerandcalmerbeforeitrevertedtoclawinganddevouringeachother.
Afterthesecondtime,beforethethirdtime,whenitbecameapparenttherewasgoingtobeathirdtime,hewasonhisback,andIwasstraddlinghim,andIdidn’tcareaboutthepoochingofmystomachbecauseI’ddecidedIwasbeautifuljustasIwas.Justkidding!Becauseitwasgettingdarkandalsobecausepresumablysexhormoneswerecoursingthroughme.Hewasn’tyetinsidemeagainthoughIcouldfeelhiserection,andIsaid,“DidyoutakeViagra?”
“Wow,”hesaid.“Thanksalot.”
“Thatwasn’taninsult.Itwasacompliment.”
“Towhichoneofus?”Withoutwaitingforananswer,hesaid,“SorrythatI’mreallyturnedonbyyou.No,Ididn’ttakeViagra.”
Sincerely,Isaid,“Iapologizeifthatwasrude.”
Itwashardtoreadhisexpression—heseemedtobeanalyzingorassessingmealmostdistantly,thoughtherewasalsoanewhazeofclosenessbetweenusthatnodoubtarosefrombeingnakedtogether,ourskinsmellingliketheother’sskin,ourbodilyfluidsmixedonhissheets.Eveniftheknowledgewasn’tcomprehensive,weabruptlykneweachothermuchbetter,morethoroughly,thanwehadafewhoursbefore.
“IthinkIcanforgiveyou,”hesaid,“underthecircumstances.”Hethrustuponcethenstoppedandsaid,“Isthisokay?Doyouneedanything?”
“Likewhat?Avaccine?Anoveralldealwithastudio?”
“Iwasthinkingoflubricant.”
Aswithbeinggazedattenderly,aswithbeinggivenapersonalizedMadLibs,IhadneverbeforebeenaskedifIneededlubricant.Andaswhenhe’dinquiredonmyarrivalifIneededabathroom,Iwastouchedbybothhisthoughtfulnessandhislackoffearaboutthebiologyofthehumanbody.
“Idon’trightnow,”Isaid.“Butthankyou.”
ThistimehelookedatmewhenhewasinsidemeandIwasabletolookbackforaboutthreeseconds,whichwasn’tnothing;andthenIleanedforward,leanedintohim,soourtorsoswerepressedtogether.
—
Iflifewerearomanticcomedy,I’dhaveawakenedthenextmorningfromadeep,restorative,andgracefullypositionedslumberwithsunlightstreaminginthroughthewindowsandNoahstandingbythebedholdingamugofcoffeeforme.Instead,Iwokeindarknessat4:13a.m.,myhearthammering,lyingonmysidewithmychininapoolofmyowndrool,beingspoonedbyNoah.Andeventhisostensiblysweetarrangementwascompromisedbythefactthatinabest-casescenarioIneededtofart,butIwasprettysureIneededtopoop.Andhewasstillnaked,andIwasstillwearingnothingbutmyT-shirt.Incontrasttocomparablesituationsinthepast,Ifeltgratefullynothungover.Atthesametime,everythingthathadseemedspontaneousthepreviousnight—notshoweringuponarrivingathishouse,notbrushingmyteethbeforegoingtosleep,himjizzingonmystomach—hadcaughtupwithme.IprobablywasstillcoatedwithAlbuquerqueHamptonInnresidue!ThoughIdidn’texactlyfeelgrossbecauseofNoah,Idefinitelyfeltgrossadjacenttohim,andawareofhimbehindmenotasasmoking-hotpersonImightbefallinginlovewithbutasarhythmicallybreathinglumpinhabitedbyahumanIdidn’treallyknowthatwell.
IcouldseethetimeonthecylindricalsilverclockonNoah’snightstand,whichIlayclosertothanhedid.Whatanuglyobject,IthoughtasItriedtodetermineastrategyforextricatingmyself.Themasterbathroomwasabouttwentyfeetawayandthedoorwasopen,andIcouldgointhere,turnontheshowertocoverthenoiseoffacingmydestinyonthetoilet,takearealshowertoconcealthefactthatI’djustfacedmydestinyonthetoilet,andemergeclean.Butwhereweremyclothesandtoothbrushandhairbrush?Stillinmycar?Theyhadtobe.Anditwasveryplausiblethatthehouse’ssecurityalarmwasarmed,eitherbecauseNoahhadsetitthenightbeforeorbecauseitwasautomated.ThenIthought,oneoftheguestrooms.Anyoftheguestrooms.AnybathroomnotrightoffNoah’sbedroom.
Allthistime,Noah’sleftarmhadbeenslungovermyleftside,and,aslightlyaspossible,Inudgeditoff.ThenIinchedforward,totheedgeofthemattress,swungmylegsdown,andquicklystood.Immediately,mynewfreedomreleasedasurgeofadrenaline.Thearticlesofclothingscatteredontherugwereindistinguishableinthedarkroom,andthefirstthingIpickedupwas,Iwasprettysure,hisboxerbriefs.Thesecondthingseemedtobehisshirt.Inthebed,hestirred,andIthoughtFuckandhurriedfromtheroom.
Ifollowedashorthalltotheentryhall;crossedit;enteredtheguestwing;walkedtothefarthestofthethreebedrooms;entereditsbathroom;satonthetoilet;peedforaverylongtime;pooped;immediatelyfelt60percentbetter;rememberedIhadnounderwearon,letalonepants,topullup;washedanddriedmyhands;thenstoodthere,unsurewhattodonext.Itoccurredtomethat,asatthehomesofrichpeopleI’dvisitedinthepast,theremightbesparetoiletriesinthecabinetbehindthemirrororunderthesink.Butthemirrorwasjustamirror,withoutanycabinet,andunderthesinkallIfoundwereatoiletbrush,aplunger,andanunopenedpackageofsixrollsoftoiletpaper.Inlieuofatoothbrush,Iusedmyindexfingerandwater,andasIdid,Inoticedthepuffytanglebehindmyheadoftriple-orgasmhair.Iwashedanddriedmyhandsasecondtimeandattemptedtorunmyfingersthroughthetangleswithlittlesuccess,andasIdidIfullyapprehendedtheabsurdityofthesituation.MyphonewasinNoah’sroom,inthepocketofmydiscardedjeans.Mylaptopwasinthecar.Iwaswearingnothingfromthewaistdown.IfIwereadifferentperson,presumablythiswaswhenI’dhavereturnedtoNoah’sroom,climbedinhisbed,snuggledagainsthim,andgonebacktosleep.InsteadIwalkedpantslessintothekitchen,pullingmyT-shirtovermynetherregions,hopingtherereallywasnoclosed-circuitTV,helpedmyselftoatangerineinabowlofcitrusontheisland,then—asquietlyaspossible—openedsevencabinetsbeforefindingtheonewithside-by-sidecompostandtrashbins.Isawonthemicrowaveclockthatitwas4:31.IwalkedbacktotheguestroomadjacenttothebathroomI’dbesmirched,climbedunderthecovers,andbegancraftingthesentencesI’dusetoexpresstoNoahthatIreallyappreciatedhishospitalitybutthatstayinginahotelseemedtomakemoresenseafterall.WouldIsaythatIfeltoverwhelmed,orwasthatobvious?WouldIspecifythatwhileIknewtherewerepeoplewhocouldhandleanamorphousandopen-endedtripinthecontextofanamorphousandopen-endedrelationship,Iwasn’toneofthem?Relationship,ofcourse,wasthewrongword.Tryst?Fling?Rendezvous?Ifranticallyrevisedmyhypotheticalscriptforatleastanhourbefore,improbably,fallingasleep.WhenIawakened,sunlightwasstreaminginthroughthewindows,andNoahwasstandingbythebedholdingamugofcoffeeforme.ButbeforeIrealizeditwashim,IonlyknewthatIwasinastrangeroomwithastrangeman,andIyelped.
“Sally,it’sme,”hesaid.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantoscareyou.”
“Whattimeisit?”
“Nineforty-five.”Hepassedmethemugthensatontheedgeofthemattress.HewaswearingagrayT-shirt,blueshorts,anklesocks,andsneakers.Theperfectgoldenhaironhisperfectarmsandlegswasvisible,andhisfacewaskindandhandsome.“Iguessedathowmuchoatmilkyouputin,soifit’swrong,wecanstartover.”
“Ihopeit’sokayIcameinhere.Ijustthought—”Thewordsthatafewhoursbeforehadseemednecessary—amorphousandopen-ended,relationship,tryst—wereeludingme.Instead,IfeltveryhappytoseeNoah,whilealsowonderingifmyeyeswerevisiblycrustyormylipswerevisiblyscummy.
“Yeah,ofcourse.”Hisvoicewasfriendlyandutterlyunfazed.“It’salwaysweirdsleepinginanewplaceforthefirsttime.AndIapologizethatwedidn’tgetyoumoresettledlastnight,butIguessweweredistracted.”Hesmiledaffably.“Yourbagsareallinthehall.Ibroughttheminfromthecar.Andyourclothesarethere.”Henoddedtotheleft,andIsawthatonthewhitearmchair,inatidypile,weremyfoldedjeansandfoldedbra.“Ithinkyourphoneisinthepocket,”hesaid.
Where,Iwondered,wasmyunderwear?
Noahpattedmycalfbeneaththecoverlet.“Mytrainerisabouttoarrive.RememberBobby,theoneIdon’thavethree-hourworkoutswith?I’llshowerafterthat,thenIthoughtwecouldhikeorgohaveapicniclunchatthebeachifthatsoundsfuntoyou?Orwecouldhangoutandswim.”HesmiledandIfeltafizzysortofscrambling,likethetidegatheringitselftogobackout:howattractedtohimIwas,howmuchIlikedhim,andhowconfusingitwastofindmyselfathishouse.“Wecanplayitbyeartoday,butI’mreallyhappythatyou’rehere.”
Wouldapersonwhowasn’tanxiousanduncomfortablesitupandkisshim?ButIhadn’tbrushedmyteethsincethegasstationbathroom!Instead,Isaid,“Me,too.”
Noah’shandremainedonmycalf,andhesqueezedit.“Justtextmeifyouneedanythinginthenexthour.I’llbeintheyardbythestudio.”Thenheleanedinandkissedmeonthemouth,andthekisswassoquickthatitprobablydidn’tmatterifIhadscummylipsornot.
—
GoodnewsIsuccessfullypooped,ItextedViv.AlsowehadsexlastnightX3anditwasgreat
BadnewsisIhavenoideawhatI’mdoinghere
It’slike13hoursuntilbedtime
Seriouslyhowdoyougetthroughadaywithanotherperson?
Inthefoldedjeansonthechair,I’dfoundmyphoneinonefrontpocketandmyunderwearintheother,whichwascringe-inducingbutnotasbadasiftheunderwearwasstillatlarge.Vivdidn’trespondimmediately,soIopenedthedoorthatNoahhadclosedwhenhe’dleft,peeredout,sawnoone,andpulledinmysuitcase,backpack,purse,andthecardboardboxwithitstworemainingproteinbars,bothofwhichIate.Ilocatedandusedmytoothbrushthenshowered.AfterIemergedfromthebathroom,atextfromVivwaswaiting:Daysex
Then:OKcanwebackupasecondandsavorSEXTHREETIMESWITHNOAHBREWSTER
ANDTHATITWASGREAT
THAT’STHEONLYGOODTHINGTHAT’SHAPPENEDIN2020
Youcan’ttalknowcanyou?
Icalledherrightaway.“He’soutsidewithhistrainer.”
Inasingsong,Vivsaid,“SallyMilzgotlaidlastnight,doodah,doodah.”
“I’mkindoffreakingout,”Isaid.
“Why?”
Theanswerwasbothsoall-encompassingandsoself-evidentthatitwasoddlyhardtoarticulate.Afterafewseconds,Isaid,“Whatifwerunoutofthingstosay?WhatifIfartinfrontofhim?”
“Ifthisisarealrelationship,thenthosethingswillforsurehappen.Andthenifyougetpregnant,you’llfartinfrontofhimsomuchthatbothofyouwillonlynoticetheraremomentswhenyou’renotfartinginfrontofhim.”
“Howmanybreakfastsandluncheshaveyoueatentoday?”
“Iorderedkungpaoshrimpforlunch,thenIgothorribleheartburnandnowI’mdrinkinggingertea,andIonlyhavemediumheartburn.Youhaven’tdecidedhowlongyou’restaying,right?Howlongcanyoutellyourselfyou’llbetherewithoutlosingit?”
“Frommyperspectiveorhis?”
“Sinceyou’renotamindreader,onlyyours.”
“Until,Idon’tknow—Thursday?”ItwaspresentlyMonday,whichsortofmadestayinguntilThursdayadheretotheruleofthree.
“Great,”Vivsaid.“Tellyourself,butdon’ttellhim,thatyou’llleaveatnoononThursday.Andthatafterthatyou’llneverseehimagain.Andjustenjoythehelloutofyourselfuntilthen.Leaveitallonthefield.Isthattheexpression?Ihatesportsmetaphors.Butforonce,don’tworryaboutthefuture.Andforsuredon’tworrywhatyourbuttholelookslikewhenyou’redoingitdoggystyle.”
“Ibetmybuttholeislesscutethanyours.Also,neitherofusisdrinkingatall.I’mabstaininginsolidarity.”
“Wow,that’skindofbeautiful.Youcan’tjustloseyourinhibitionsinthefogofalcohol.”
“WillIneverseehimagainafterThursday?”
Vivlaughed.“Willmybabybebornhealthyandalwaysstaysafefromharm?”
“Fairenough.AndI’msorryaboutyourheartburn.”
“Biancadidn’tgetfired,bytheway.They’renotfiringanyonebecauseofthepandy.Butthegirlfrom—what’sthatimprovteamwiththemostannoyingnameever?”
“Youhavetobemorespecific.”
“Ican’trememberrightnow,butthat’swhogothired.SoyouknowhowIsaiddaysex?Iwasn’tkidding.Thatreallyistheanswertohowyougetthroughthehourswiththispersonyoukindofdoandkindofdon’tknow.”
“I’mexcitedthatyou’reabouttobringahumanintotheworld,”Isaid.“YouandTheoaregoingtobesuchgoodparents.”
“Werealizedlastnightthattheagehe’llbewhenoursongraduatesfromhighschoolistheagemydadwillbethreeyearsfromnow.”
“Theo’syoungatheart.”
“Hmm—youngatheartburn—isthatanything?”
“Youngatfart?”Icountered.
“Keepmeposted.”
“Thankyou,Vivvy,”Isaid.“Andlikewise.”
—
Inthebathroom,Iheardvoicesoutside,andIdiscoveredthatifIraisedtheshadeonthenorth-facingwindow,IcouldseeNoahandhistrainer.Thetrainerwasvisiblefromtheback,andNoahwasvisiblefromthefront,holdingasilverkettlebellnearhisleftshoulderthenthrustingitstraightupwithbothhands.Iwasfairlysurehecouldn’tseeme—nolightswereoninthebathroom—andIwatchedforafewminutes.SweathadmadeamessycolumndownthefrontofhisgrayT-shirtandalsoappearedinlargepatcheswhenheliftedhisarms,andagainIfeltawaveofattraction.Hedidsomesit-ups,andIwonderedifhisbodyfeltsorefromsex,soreinagoodway,likeminedid.Hewentbacktoliftingthekettlebell,and,morebecauseIdidn’twanttobecreepythanbecauseI’dlostinterest,Iclosedtheshade.IthenlayonthebedwiththelatestissueofTheNewYorkerandreadthecartooncaptionsuntilmyphonebuzzed.
Heyjustfinished,he’dtexted.
Isawyououtthewindow,Ireplied.Youlookedcute.
Alsosweaty,hereplied.
Sweatyinacuteway,Ireplied.Wanttocomevisityourownguestroom?
Iwouldloveto!hereplied.
Heshowedupwithinaboutaminute,thistimecarryingtwowaterglasses.Itookbothandsetthemonthetablebesidethearmchairthenhuggedandkissedhim.Hekissedmebackbeforesaying,“Areyousureyoudon’tcareifI’msweaty?”
“I’mverysure,”Isaid.
Afterward,whenhe’dcollapsedonmeandIwasrunningmyfingertipsoverhisback,Isaid,“Sohaveyou,uh,datedmuchduringthepandemic?”
“Well,”hesaid,“thelastpersonIhadsexwithisyou.Andthepersonbeforethatwasalsoyouandthepersonbeforethatwasalsoyou.”
“Whowasthepersonbeforethat?”
Heliftedhishead.“Thisiskindofacomplicatedanswer.ThelastseriousrelationshipIhadwaswithawomannamedLouisiana.Webrokeupalmostfouryearsago.”
“Iknowwhosheis,”Isaid.“AndIknowyoudatedher.”Thiswasthejewelrydesigner/pestcontrolheiress.
“We’veneverofficiallygottenbacktogether,but—well,forlackofabetterwaytosayit,we’vehookedupafewtimesovertheyears.IncludingthispastApril.AndIdon’twanttosounddisrespectfultoher,butIrememberedprettyquicklywhywe’dbrokenup.That’salwayshowit’sbeenwithher.”
“Canyoubemorespecificandthoroughaboutherunappealingqualities?”
Helaughed.“IcanpictureherwearingaGoodVibesOnlyT-shirt,”hesaid.“Howaboutthat?Or,thisisalotmoreserious,butshe’sverypreoccupiedwithfoodandherweightandcountingcalories.She’sextremelythin.AndIfeelforher,butIhaveenoughissuesofmyownonthatfrontthatIfinditchallengingtobearound.”
“Wasshestayinghere?”
“Sometimes.ShelivesinMalibu.”
Iwonderedbutdidn’taskifherMalibuhousehadbeenfundedbycockroachesornecklaces.
“Endingthingsagainwithheriswhatmademeresolvetoemailyou,”Noahsaid.“Itstilltookawhiletoworkupthenerve.ButI’dfeltlonelyafterbeingsick,witheverythingshutdown.AndthenbeingaroundLouisianafeltequallylonely.Itwasn’therfault,buttherewasjustsomethingmissing.”
Withmythumbandpointerfinger,Iflickedhisleftbicep.“Ialmostresenthowgoodyouareatsayingtheperfectthing.”
“Really,perfect?Phew.”Heleaneddownandkissedmyforehead.“Who’sthelastpersonyouwereinvolvedwith?”
“BeforeCovid,therewasaguyIneverquitedatedbut,youknow,metupwith.Likefriendswithbenefits,exceptweweren’tfriends.”
“Ibethewassmittenwithyou.”
“Hedefinitelywasn’t.AndIdefinitelywasn’tsmittenwithhim.Itwasaholdingpatternforbothofus.ThelasttimeIsawhimwasin2019,inSeptemberorOctober.Thenweweren’tintouchforafewmonths,andItextedhim,andhetextedbackthathehadagirlfriendbutwishedmethebestofluck.”Noah’sheadwasstillraised,andIrolledmyeyes.“Andthat’sthestoryofhowIwasdumpedbymymediocrefuckbuddy.”
“Thatsendschillsdownmyspine.”
“Whichpart?”
“Beingcalledamediocrefuckbuddy,foronething.Poorguy.”
“You’renotamediocrefuckbuddy.You’reastellarfuckbuddy.”
IwasslightlysurprisedthatNoahdidn’tlaughorevenseempleased.
“Anyway,”Isaid,“thedynamicbetweenGeneandmewascompletelydifferentfromourdynamic.HeandIneverreallytalkedaboutanything.Andnotbecausewehadsuchananimalattractionthatwetoreoffeachother’sclothestheminuteweweretogether.Ourconversationswerejustpointlessanduninteresting.TheywereabouthowitwascrazythatChristmaswasalmosthere,orcouldyoubelievethatthunderstormtheotherday?Andalso—”Ipaused.“Iliedtohimaboutmyjob.AndI’ddonethatbefore,liedtootherguys.IsaidIwasstillamedicalnewsletterwriterbecauseIdidn’twanttotalktothemaboutTNOorbeaskedfortickets.AfterthetextwhereGenetoldmehehadagirlfriend,hesentanothertextsaying,Bythewayit’scoolyou’reawriterforTNO.Iaskedhowheknew,andhesaidhe’dseenafleecejacketwiththeTNOlogoatmyapartmentandassumedI’dboughtitatthegiftshopinthe66Building,butlaterhe’dalsoseenamugthatHenriettahadmadeformybirthdayoneyearthathadapictureofme,her,andVivonit.Sothenhegoogledme.”Iwasquiet,andNoahlookedatme.
“How’dyoufeelaboutthat?”
“Remorseful.Notbecausehedeservedbetter,althoughofcoursehedid,butbecausewhowasIreallypullingoneoveron?WhatwasIachievingbysleepingwithsomeoneIdidn’twanttotellthemostbasicinformationaboutmylife?”
“BeforeseeingLouisiana,”Noahsaid,“Ihadn’thadsexforalmostayear.In2019,Iwentonabunchoffirstdates,andacoupleseconddates,butIfeltlikeIknewbeforehandhowthey’dplayoutanditjustwasn’tworththeenergy.Ifyou’reourageandsingle,datingkindofhastobeanactofrecklessoptimism,right?Thetriumphofhopeoverexperience?”
“Didyoureallynothavesexforalmostayear?”
“Yes.”
“I’mnotjudgingyou,I’mjustsurprised.”
“BecauseI’maguy?”
“Partly.”
“Doyoubuyintotheideaofallmenasconstantlyhorny?IthoughttheyoungerTNOstafferswereteachingyouthatgenderstereotypesarenonsense.”
“Idon’tknowifyouknowthis,butyou’realsoacelebrity.Agood-lookingcelebrity.Don’twomenthrowtheirbrasatyouonstage?”
“Idon’tthinkthathappensinreallife.”
“Never?Notevenonceortwice?”
Hesmiledsheepishly.“Maybeonceortwice.”Thenheburrowedintome.“Iamconstantlyhornyforyou,incasethat’snotclear.”
—
MargitandGlenncamebackintheafternoon,andeventhoughIknewtheyweren’tNoah’sparents,Ifeltalittleliketheywere,andIwantedtheirapproval.Theyappearedtobeintheirsixties—Margitwaspetiteanddark-haired,andGlennwastall—andIfurtherrealizedthatI’dhalfexpectedthemtohaveonuniformsliketheservantsinaBritishperioddrama.Instead,theywerewearingshortsandT-shirts,andwhenNoahintroducedmeinthekitchen,theygreetedmeinafriendlybutbriefway,andthenNoahtoldMargitthatwehadn’teatenthesalmonthenightbeforesoitwouldprobablybegoodtohaveitfordinner.Equallycasually,Noahsaidtome,“DoyouwantGlenntovacuumyourcar?”
“Oh,”Isaid.“No,that’sokay.”
“Ifyouchangeyourmind,justgivehimthekeys.”
Thenwewentouttothepoolandsplashedaroundandtreadedwaterforawhileandstoodintheshallowendpressedagainsteachother,makingout—didMargit,whomIhadthevagueimpressionwasstillinthekitchen,care?Hadsheseenaversionofthismanytimes?—andNoahsaid,“Ithinkit’sveryimportantforyoutobekissedalotwhileyou’reinaswimmingpoolbecauseIhearthatMartinBierschwasnegligentonthatfront.”
“Iappreciatethat,”Isaid.
Thenwelayontheinflatables,andIalmostfellasleep,withthesunnyblueTopangaskyaboveusandthegreenhillsaroundusandasortofnaturalambientbuzzingintheair.Iwasn’t,ofcourse,totallyun-self-consciousabouthowIlookedinabathingsuit,butIwasonlyabout17percentasself-consciousasI’dhaveanticipated.Firstbecauseofallthesexwe’dhadandsecondbecause,asperViv’speptalk,Iwasstayingforjustthreemoredays,untilThursdayatnoon,soreally,wouldn’tithavebeenawasteoftimetofretaboutmythighsorbelly?
Afterthat,heshowedmehisstudio:theliveroom,whichheldanothergrandpianoandadrumsetinadditiontoadozenguitarsofvariousshapesandsizesstoredonstands;thecontrolroom,withavastmixingconsoleliketheoneinthecontrolroomatTNO;andtheisolationbooth,withitsfoam-coveredwallsandstandingmic.Backintheliveroom,hepickedupanacousticguitarandtuneditandthen,whilelookingatme,beganplayingasongIsoonrecognizedas“Revolution”bytheBeatles.Hekeptplayingaswetalkedaboutsomethingelse,andIfeltatidalwaveinmystomach,thisreminderofthethinghecoulddoexceptionallywellandeasilyandthestrangepreciousnessofhisdoingitwhennoonewasaroundexceptme.
Hestoppedplayingandsaid,“It’sweirdwe’veneverdiscussedthis,butdoyouplayanyinstruments?”
Ishookmyhead.“Iwish.”
Hebegantoplayanothersongandsaid,“Youknowthisone?”
Ittookmeamoment,thenIsaid,“?‘SultansofSwing’?”
Henodded,closedhiseyes,andsang.IthoughtabouttheembarrassmentIhadexperiencedwatchinghimrehearsehissongsatTNO,anditseemedinretrospecttohavebeenakindofforeknowledgebutalsoakindofmisunderstanding.Ididn’tfeelembarrassedinhisstudio;Ifeltadmiration.Andmyembarrassmentfrombeforenowseemedlikeaprotectiveness.
“Lastone,”hesaid,andheseguedinto“Ain’tNoSunshine”—thetitlewasrevealedinthefirstline—andhiseyeswereclosedagainandhewasbeltingitoutunabashedly,andIwonderedtheniftherewasalwaysalonelinesstolovingaverytalentedpersonbecausetheirtalentwasonlyofthem,notofbothofyou,andthenIthought,JesusChrist,doIloveNoah?Ionlygothereyesterday!AndthenIthought,wasthereanyonewhowouldeverfeellonelybecauseofmytalent?WasIastalentedasNoah?Iwascompetent,butnobodywouldwanttostandstillandjustwatchme.Ifyouwereawriter,youcouldbeimpressiveinacerebralsortofway,butifyouwereamusician,yougottobeviscerallymagical.
Ascasuallyashe’dreachedfortheguitar,heputitback,andgrabbedmyhand
WereturnedtothemainhouseandatethedinnerMargithadmade,thoughwedidn’tseeMargituntilwewerehalfwaythrougheating,whenshecametocheckifweneededanythingandthencamebacktocleartheplates.(WasitreprehensiblethatacoupleintheirsixtiesworkedforNoahinthisway?Wasitfine?Wasitmyresponsibilitytodecide?)
Then,inNoah’sbedroom,wewatchedafuturisticmovieaboutastronauts,buthalfwaythroughwebeganmessingaroundandthemoviewasstillplayingonthewall-mountedscreenashepeeledoffmyjeansandunderwearandkissedtheinsidesofmythighs,somyconsciousnesswassplitbetweenthesurrealecstasyofhismouthonmewhilemyeyeswereclosedandthecharacterssayingthingslike“Butthecommanderhasnoideathattheelectromagneticcurrentsfromthestormdamagedthesatellite!”
Iwokethenextmorning,andmovedfromNoah’sbedtotheoneintheguestroom(withalongand,Ihoped,surreptitiousstopinthebathroombetween)notat4:15butat5:27,whichseemedlikeprogress.ThenextmorningIwokeandmovedat5:55.Onthefourthmorning,Iwokeat6:10,wenttotheguestbathroom,thenreturnedtohisbed,andwhenIdid,hesleepilyscootedtowardmeandwrappedmeinhisarms.
ThiswasthedayIhadplannedtodepart,aplanI’dnevermentionedtoNoah,aplanthatseemed,fromthevantagepointofhisbedandhisarms,toberidiculous.
—
Arhythmasserteditself:outrageouslydeliciousyethealthymealspreparedbyMargitandeatenoutside;Noah’strainereveryothermorning,whichwaswhenIattendedtotheSisypheantaskofbodyhairremoval,exceptwitharazorbladeandtweezersinsteadofaboulder;respondingtoemailsor,inNoah’scase,tophonecallsafterlunch;drivingtovarioustrailsinthelateafternoontohikeandsometimesswimmingonourreturn;watchingmoviesbeforebed;andrandombutregularintervalsofsexthatwassometimesfunandlighthearted,almostjoking,andsometimespassionateandserious,likewewerethefuturisticastronautswho’dmadeitbackfromourmissionsuccessfullyandcouldfinallytakeoffourspacesuitsandgoatitwithourearthlyflesh.
ItwassomewhereinthisstretchthatIrememberedtheMadLibsandconvincedhimtoletusfinishit,andmyfavoritelinefromourcollaborationwas“Forsooth!”Isaid,“CaliforniaistrulythemostaxiomaticandpiquantbellybuttonI’veeversquaredanced!”ItwasalsoduringthisstretchthatIwasreadingbythepooloneafternoonwhileNoahwasinsideonthephonewithhismanagerdiscussingalivestreamshowthatwouldbefilmedinSeptemberataconcerthallwithnoaudience.Theconversationwentonforalongtime,andatsomepoint,Ibecameawareofamildbutpersistentlonging.AndthenIthought,Imisshim
Itwasontheninthdayofmyvisit,whilewewerelyingnakedinhisbedat11:40a.m.,thathepattedthehamsteronmyrightbicepandsaid,“That’sstillthegreatesttattooofalltime.”Iwasflatonmybackandhewasonhisside,facingme.
“Itreallyencapsulatesmybadasslifestyle,doesn’tit?”Itouchedtheinsideofhisleftforearm,themusicnotesonastaff.Inowknew,asIhadnotwhentheglimpsesofandproximitytohisskinhadtormentedmeatTNO,thathe’dgottenthe“Blackbird”notesafterhisfirstalbumcameout,thecrowafterhisbandmateChristopherhaddied,andtheCelticknotafterhisfirstyearofsobriety.Isaid,“Doyouthinkyou’redoneornotdonewithbodyart?”
“Probablydone.Whataboutyou?”
“Alsoprobablydone,unlessIformanunexpectedattachmenttoaguineapigoraraccoon.”
Helaughed,andIsaid,“Ihaveaquestionforyou.YouknowoveremailwhenIaskedifyouweretryingtoseducemeduringyoursongrehearsalatTNO?Whenyousaidno,Ikindofinterpreteditasyousaying,no,youweren’tinterestedinme.”
Heshookhisheadrapidly.“IknewIwaswalkingtheknife’sedgewiththatone.Intheemails,Imean.AndIblewit,didn’tI?Itwasthewordseducethatconfusedme—Ithinkofthatasbeingsleazy,likewhatascoundreldoestoaninnocentyoungwomaninanineteenth-centurynovel.Ididn’tunderstandwhatyouwereasking.Ifyouhadjustsaid,‘Doyoulikeme?’Icouldhavesaid,‘Isuredo.’?”
Ilaughed.“WhatifIhadsaid,‘Doyoulikemeinawholesome,non-scoundrel-ishway?’?”
“No.”Hewasshakinghisheadagain.“Itwasneverwholesome.ButIdidn’tknowifitwassafethentoconveythat.”
“Couldn’tyoutellthat‘Doyoulikeme?’wasbasicallywhatIwasaskingwhenIhadthatemailfreakout?Andyouwerelike,‘Idon’tknowwhatwe’redoing,butit’sfun,huh?’?”Ipokedafingeragainsthischest.“Ineededmoreaffirmationthanthat.”
“AfteryoudressedmedownwiththestuffabouthowI’mnotatoxicnarcissistbutonlybarely,IdidknowI’dfuckedup,butIwasn’tsurehow.”
“ButthenIapologized.”
“Didyou?”Noahwasregardingmedubiously.
“Iexpressedremorse!”Imight,eventhen,havebeenreluctanttoletitslipthatIhadpracticallymemorizedouremails,exceptthathisrecallofthemseemedsimilarlydetailed.AndhewascorrectthatIhadn’tactuallywrittenthewordsI’msorry
“I’mveryhappytogiveyouaffirmation,”hesaid.“Iwanttogiveyouaffirmation.ButifIdon’tgiveyouenough,youshouldaskforit.”
“Isn’taskingforaffirmation—Idon’tknow—needy?”
Helookedperplexed.“Isn’tthepointofsomethinglikethisthattheotherpersontriestomeetyourneeds,andyoutrytomeettheirs?”
Iwasquietforafewsecondsbeforesaying,“Isthiswhattheyteachintherapy?Becauseit’sblowingmymind.”
Helaughed.“Ihaveanidea.InsteadofgoingbacktoNewYorkinSeptember,whatifyouquitTNOandstayhere?Isn’tL.A.betterifyouwanttopivottoscreenwriting?”
Iraisedonearmtogesturearoundtheroom.“Thisisveryfun.Butit’snotreal.”
“Inwhatwayisitnotreal?”
“Havingsexallthetimewhilebarelyinteractingwithanyotherhumanbeings.”
“Itshouldbereal.”Heraisedhisheadandproppeditonhislefthand,hiselbowjustbelowthepillow.Ourfaceswereafewinchesapart.
Ilookedatawoodbeamintheceiling.“Ihavetotellyousomething.IfeltsooverwhelmedaboutstayingwithyouthatItoldmyselfafterIgothereI’donlystaythreedays.I’vebeenactingallbreezy,likeI’mnotintimidatedbythiswholesituation,butthetruthisthatI’masuper-anxiousperson.That’showit’snotreal.”
Kindly,hesaid,“DoyouthinkIdidn’trealizeyou’reanxious?”
“Wait,really?”
“Itseemslikeyou’vefoundwaystomanageitthatworkforyou.And,Imean,comingfromarecoverybackground,threedaysisimpressive.Mostofusjusttakeitonedayatatime.”Ididn’tsayanything,andheadded,“Isn’tthegoaltolivewithourdemons,nottoexpectthemtogoaway?”
“Also,”Isaidthenstopped.
“Also,”herepeated.
“SometimeswhenIspeak,IfeellikeI’mwritingdialogueforthecharacterofmyself.I’mimpersonatinganormalhumanwhenreallyI’maconfusedfreak.”
Helaughed.“We’reallconfusedfreaks.It’sjustthatmostofusaren’tprofessionalwriters.”Wemadeeyecontact,andhesaid,“Itseemslikeyou’redescribingwhateveryonedoesinallsortsofsituations.Fakeit’tilyoumakeit.HowdoyouthinkIfeltthefirsttimeIperformedatabigawardsshow?Whileavirgin,mightIremindyou.”Heleanedforwardandkissedmeonthelips.“Infact,we’reeven,becauseI’vebeenpretendingI’mnotintimidatedbybeingaroundsomeonemuchsmarterthanIam.”
“That’sverygentlemanlyofyou,”Isaid.“Butcomeon.”
“You’resoterrifyingly,awesomelyperceptive.Thatthingaboutwritingdialogueforthecharacterofyourself,that’ssoclever.IwishIhadthoughtofityearsago,soininterviewsIcouldhavepretendedIwasplayingthepartofamusicianpromotinganalbum.”
Wasn’tthismorethanI’deverimaginedIcouldwishfor,thatakind,thoughtful,smoking-hotmanwouldthinkIwasterrifyingly,awesomelyperceptive?ThatheunderstoodhowneuroticIwas,anddidn’tseemtomind?Thathesawneedinessnotasannoyingbutasnormal?Hadn’titallseemedsounlikelythatI’dgenuinelymadepeacewithneverfindingsomeonelikeNoahexceptperhapsinthepagesofascreenplayIwrote?
Hereachedoutandsmoothedbackmyhair,whichwassomethinghedidalot.Hesaid,“Noneofthatmeansthatwhat’shappeningbetweenusisn’treal.”
—
We’dgoneforahikeinTemescalCanyon,walkingaloopofjustunderfourmiles,anditwaslateafternoonaswereturnedtothetrailhead.Webothworebaseballcaps,andNoahworeabackpackthatcontainedourwaterbottlesandthewrappersfromthesamebrandofproteinbarshe’dsenttomeinKansasCity.We’deatenthebarswhilesittingonabouldernearanoutcroppingapparentlyknownasSkullRock,fromwhichwecouldseeSantaMonicaBay.Gesturingattheview,I’dsaid,“It’ssopainfulbeingremindedthatthesmugnessofpeoplewholiveinCaliforniaisjustified.”
Asweapproachedthetrailhead,wewerediscussingNoah’swishtogetadog,andhesaid,“DoyouthinkagoldenretrieverwouldmeanmyWASPyparentssuccessfullybrainwashedmeafterall?”
“Whataboutabeagle?”Isaid.“TorenounceyourWASPinessandalsobecausethey’reobjectivelythebestdogs.”
Hetookmyhand.“Beaglesarethebestsmalldog.I’llgrantyouthat.”
“Butthey’renotsmalldogs.Imean,I’msurenobeaglethinksthat.SmalldogsarePomeraniansorChihuahuas.”
“Doesn’titdependonthebeagle?”We’dreachedtheparkinglot,andwewerewalkingtowardNoah’scar,whichwasasilverLexushybridSUV.
“Sugarweighstwenty-fivepounds,”Isaid.“Twenty-fivepoundsofbeautiful,lustrous,formidablecaninethatcouldneverfitinsomeone’spurse.”
“I’mnotdisagreeingthatSugar—”Noahbegan,buthewasinterruptedbyamalevoicesayingwithsomeurgency,“Hey,Noah!”
Immediately,Noahdroppedmyhandandsaidveryquietly,“Keepwalking.”
Theparkinglotwashalf-full,andabouttenpeopleinconfigurationsoftwosandthreesweremillingaround.Afterscanningthelineofcarstofigureoutwho’dspoken,IspottedamankneelingbyaVolvosedan.“Noah,who’syourfriend?”themansaid.“What’syourfriend’sname?”Themanlookedtobeinhistwenties,holdingabigblackcamerawithitslensextended,andintheensuingquiet,Icouldheartheshutterclickrepeatedly.
“Comeon,man,”Noahsaid.“Notnow.”
“Youcutoffyourhair,right?”themansaid.“Didyoushaveyourhead?Whendidyoudothat?”
NoahwaswalkingsoquicklythatI’dfallenafootortwobehindhim.He’dremovedthekeysfromhisshortspocket,andtherewasabeepjustbeforeheclimbedinthedriver’ssidedooroftheLexusandstartedtheengine.AsIenteredthepassengerside,thepaparazzosaidtome,“Hey,what’syourname?AreyouandNoahdating?HowlonghaveyouknownNoah?”
Noah’sjawwasclenchedashereversedoutoftheparkingspaceanddrovetowardtheexit.Iglancedbacktowardthepaparazzo,andNoahsaidinalowvoice,“Don’tlookathim.”He’dturnedontotheroadwhen,stillinatightvoice,hesaid,“You’dthinkthoseguyswouldlayoffwitheverythinghappeningnow.”
Isaidnothing,andwhenheturnedhisheadtowardme,wemadeeyecontactforthefirsttimeinseveralminutes.
“Areyouokay?”heasked.
Webothwerequietaswepassedahighschoolthatwaslowandpalm-tree-bedeckedlikeahighschoolinamovie,andfinallyIsaid,“Areyouafraidhe’llsellapictureofyouholdingmyhand?”Icouldhearthatmyvoicewasweird,too,thoughnothowNoah’swas—minewassharpanddistant.Therewasawarmlyteasingwaywe’dgotteninthehabitofspeakingtoeachother,andthiswasitsopposite.
“Ihopehedoesn’tforyoursake,”Noahsaid.
“Oh,really?Formysake?”
Noahlookedoveragainashesaid,“Areyouaccusingmeofsomething?Becausethat’swhatitsoundslike.”
“IfIwereahottwenty-five-year-oldactress,wouldyouhavedroppedmyhandlikethat?”
Hesquinted.“Areyouserious?Didyouwanttheguytotakeourpicture?”
“Therewassomethingvery—”Ipaused.“Instinctive.Abouthowyoupulledawayfromme.”
“Ithoughtyou’dhateit.Yes,you.Notme.You.Becauseyou’reaprivatepersonandIknowyou’vewalkedredcarpetsafewtimes,butIdon’tthinkyou’reusedtobeingambushedinnormallifelikeIam.”
Infrontofus,theoceanappearedagain,turquoisebeneathacornflowersky,andthebeautyoftheviewwasanunpleasantcontrasttothedisagreeableenergyinsidethecar.Atleastsixtysecondshadpassedwhen,takingpainstokeepmytonematter-of-factratherthanresentful,Isaid,“There’snothingyoupromisedme.I’mcomplicitinhowundefinedwhateverwe’redoingis.Iadmitthat.AndIbelieveyougenuinelylikeme,oratleastyougenuinelylikemeenoughtobeyoursecretpandemichookup.ButIdon’tthinkIhavealowenoughopinionofmyselftobeyoursecretpandemichookup.”
“Wow,”hesaid.“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.Thefactthatyoucouldthinkanyofthatissooffbasethatitmakesmewonderifwe’vebeenhavingcompletelydifferentexperiencesthewholetimeyou’vebeenhere.Ithoughtwewerehavingagreattime.”
“Secretpandemichookupsandhavingagreattimearen’tmutuallyexclusive.”
Whilelookingstraightahead,hepulledthecarovertoaparkinglaneabuttingadustyupwardslopedottedwithsagescrub.Hemovedthegearshiftintoparkbeforefacingme,hisexpressionbewilderedanddispleased.“DoyourememberwhenItoldyouIwasattractedtoyoufromthemomentyoustartedtalkingatthepitchmeetinginNigel’soffice?”
“Yes.”
“Partofthereasonwasthatyouseemedsoconfident,likeoneofthemostconfidentwomenI’devermet.Oneofthemostconfidentpeople.Youhadveryclearideasforyoursketches,anditwasobviousthatyouknewyoucouldwillthemintobeing.Andyoutalkedinthiswaywhereitseemedlikeyouwereplanningtobepoliteandprofessionalwithme,butyouassumedIwasn’tverybright,andyouwerepreparedtoovercomemylackofintelligence.I’veworkedwithtonsofcreativepeople,tonsoftalentedpeople,buttherewassomethingsorefreshingaboutyou,somethingsocool,whereyoujustreallyknewwhoyouwereandhowtogetshitdone.IhadthisoverwhelmingfeelingofIwanttoknowher.Iwanttobearoundher.Theninyouroffice,youwereincrediblykindandsupportive.You’veprobablytoldmeseventimes,startingthatnight,whatanassholeyouare,butyoualmostneverare.Orwhenyouare,itseemslikesomekindofbluster.Itdoesn’tseemlikewhoyoureallyare.”
Iwasfascinated,silenced,andunsurewherethiswasgoing.Ontheothersideofthewindshield,abigwhitebirdIcouldn’tidentifyswoopeddownandthenupagain.
Noahexhaleddeeply.“YouandIhungoutinpersonthatweekatTNOanditwasfunandgreat.Evenafterthingswentofftherailsatthebar,Ifeltliketherewasaconversationwehadn’tfinished,andforthenexttwoyears,Iwonderedhowtherestofitwouldhavegone.Fromtheminuteyourespondedtomyfirstemail,itwaslikethatconversationpickedupexactlywhereithadstopped.Emailingwithyouwasfunandgreat,andthenwetalkedonthephone,anditwasfunandgreat,andyoucamehere,and,yeah,it’snoteffortless,therearelittlebumpswhereweneedtofigureouthowtobearoundeachother.Butthat’sjustlife,andhavingyouherehasbeenevenbetterthanfunandgreat.Whenwe’rehangingoutbythepoolandwhenwe’rewatchingamovieandaboveallwhenwe’remakinglove,andIalreadyknowyou’llmockmeforsayingmakinglove,butthat’swhatitis—allofthatisamazing.I’vewaitedmywholelifetofeelconnectedtosomeoneinthewaysIfeelconnectedtoyou.Idon’tevenknowifthisregisteredwithyou,butwhenwewereemailing,afterIgotworriedI’doffendedyoubytellingyoutosendmeapdfaboutyourdivorce,ItoldyouthatIdidn’twantyoutoeverstopemailingme.ButIwroteadifferentsentencefirstthatIwastooscaredtosend.AnditwasthatIwantedyoutobepartofmylifeforever.Iwantyouandmysistertogettoknoweachother,andIwanttointroduceyoutoallmyfavoritepeoplethatIworkwith.Wheneverythingisn’tshutdown,therearesomanyexperiencesIwanttosharewithyou,liketakingyoutothisreallycoolrestaurantinTokyoortomyfavoriteparkinSydney.Ithinkofmarryingyou.AndtofeelthiswayandthenhearyousaycrapabouthowI’membarrassedtoholdyourhandinfrontofsomefuckingpaparazzo—it’slikeTheDannyHorstRulewasn’tjustafunnysketchidea.It’syourphilosophyoflife.ThatversionofyouinNigel’sofficethatIfellinlovewith,youarethatpersonandyoudohavethatconfidence.Butatthesametime,youmightbethemostinsecureadultI’veevermet.”
Really,Ihadbeencompletelysilenced.Ihadneverbeenonthereceivingendofthiskindof—well,Ididn’tevenknowwhatitwas.Anadmonition?Adeclaration?Anencomium?Noneofitwasclearlywrong;muchofitwasheart-stoppinglyflattering;asmallbutsignificantportionwashumiliating.
“I’mnotsurewhattosay,”Isaid.
“Iloveyou,Sally,”hesaid.“ForyoutosuggestthatI’mashamedofyou—you’renotjustinsultingyourself.You’reinsultingme.”
Helovedme?Helovedme!OrhadhelovedmefiveminutesearlierbutchangedhismindsincethenbecauseofwhatI’dsaidsincewe’dlefttheparkinglot?“Forwhatit’sworth,”Isaid,“Ithinkit’seasiertodismissentrencheddatingpatternswhenyoucandateanyoneyouwant.”
Hesaidnothing.
“SettingasideTheDannyHorstRuleasageneralization,”Icontinued,“IguessthethingIdon’tunderstandisthatyoucandobetterthanme.Youcanfindsomeoneprettier.”
Hewaslookingatmewithanot-warmexpression.“IsthataquestionI’msupposedtoanswer?”
“Please.”
“Willyouatleastacknowledgehowfucked-upitisthatfirstyouaccusemeofnotthinkingyou’reattractiveenoughtodate,andafterItellyouthat’snottrue,youaskwhyI’mnotdatingsomeonebetter-looking?”
“YoujustadmittedthatyoulikedmeatfirstbecauseyoucouldtellIdidn’tthinkyouweresmart.What’sthatGrouchoMarxlineaboutnotwantingtobelongtoanyclubthatwouldhaveyouasamember?”
Heturnedhisheadsohewasgazingoutthewindshieldagain.“There’sapictureofthecastandcrewofTNOtakeneveryyearonthemainstage,right?I’msureI’veseenitonlineorinamagazine.AndifIwaslookingatthat,wouldIpickyououtfromeveryoneelseandsay,‘That’sthemostgorgeouswomanI’veeverseen’?IfI’mbeinghonest,no.Buthumanbeingsaren’tstaticimages.We’redynamicandkinetic,andit’slikeIsaidbefore—rightaway,Iwantedtotalktoyou,andeverytimeI’vetalkedtoyousinceI’vealwayswantedtokeeptalkingtoyou.”
ThatIdidn’tfeelcompletelyuninsultedbyhisadmissionthatIwasn’tthemostgorgeouswomanhe’deverseenmeant—what?ThatI’dnursedsomeprivatehopethathethoughtIwas?EitherbecausehehadunusualtasteorbecauseI’dbeenholdingontothebeliefthat,aswithmanyaromanticcomedyheroine,IwasfarmorebeautifulthanIrealized?Atthesametime,Ididn’tfeeltheimpulsetoclingtotheinsultasImighthavewhenIwasyounger;Iappreciatedhiscandor.Isaid,“Doyouknowwhatsapiosexualmeans?”
“No.”
“Itmeansbeingattractedtosomeone’sbrain.”
“Iamattractedtoyourbrain,”hesaid.“ButI’malsoattractedtotherestofyou.”Webothwerequietforafewseconds,thenhesaid,“WhenyoutoldmethatthingaboutswearingoffdatingatTNObecauseElliotrejectedyou,apartofmewaslike,ThankGodforthat.Eventhoughyourdecisionseemsoverthetop,ifyouhadn’tmadeit,you’dprobablybemarriedtoanotherwriter.ButnowIwonderifit’sacautionarytaleabouthowyouwanttostewinyouraloneness.Because,sure,I’mdiscreetwhenI’mdatingsomeonenewinordertoavoidmediadrama,butI’mnottheonewho’sintosecrethookupsasawayoflife.”
“WhywouldIwanttostewinmyaloneness?”
“Becauseyou’rescared.”
“WhatamIscaredof?”
“Gettinghurt.Knowinganotherpersonreallywellandanotherpersonknowingyoureallywell.Feelingsyoucan’tmakefunof.Interactionsthatgoonforlongenoughthattheymaybeturnalittleawkwardoralittletediousinsteadofendingaftertenminuteswithazinger.”
“Ifyou’rereferringtoTNOsketches,they’remorelikefiveminutes.TenminutesisaneternityonTV.”
Helookedatmethensaid,“Okay,Sally,”andturnedontheignition.
“Iloveyou,too,”Iblurtedout.
“Doyou?”Hisbrowwasfurrowed.
“ThetruthisthatIcan’tbelieveyouexist.I’veneverknownanyonewiththecombinationofqualitiesyouhave.You’resodeeplyniceandsohumbleandsoinsightfulinthisverynon-show-offyway.Andeventhoughyourfamedoesfuckwithmyhead,Ireallyrespectyourcreativityandtalentandworkethic.SometimesIfeelsillyexpressingthistoyoubecauseI’mthefifty-million-and-firstpersontosayit,butIdothinkyoursongsarebeautiful.Andspendingtimewithyou,itisfunandgreat.Everythingyousaid,Ifeelthat,too,thatIlovedbeingaroundyouatTNOandIlovedemailingwithyouandIlovedtalkingtoyouonthephoneandIlove—”IpausedbutthenImademyselfsayit.“Ilovewhenwemakelove.It’sdefinitelydifferentfromanythingI’veeverexperienced.AndIcan’tbelievethatwemetandIgettobethepersonwho’seatingdinnerwithyouandhikingwithyouandbeingnakedwithyou.Forthatmatter,thatI’mthepersonwhojustlooksupandthereyouareinthesameroomwithme,and,yes,youaresmokinghot.Andhowuniqueandincredibleyouaredoesmakemekindofkarmicallyorexistentiallyterrified.Becausehowcouldanyonedeserveyou,letaloneme?ButI’malsoreallygratefulbecauseIalwayswantedtofeeldisbeliefatmyownluck.Atmyromanticluck,Imean,notmyluckrelatedtoNigelgivingmeacareerbreak.”
Bythispoint,Noahwassmiling,lookingatmewiththatgreataffection—withlove—andasheleanedforwardandkissedme,Iwasstruckbyhowforgivinghewas,howhewasn’tgoingtomakemegrovel.“Let’sgohome,”hesaid.“Okay?Sincewe’reinagreementabouthowgoodweareatbeingnakedtogether—let’sgodothat.”
“Youmakemewanttobeabetterman,”Isaid.“That’swhatI’mtryingtosay.”
—
Backathishouse,inhisbed,welookedintoeachother’seyesthemostthatweeverhad,wetouchedeachotherthemosttenderly,andafewtimesIwasn’tsureifIcouldmaintaintheeyecontact,butIdid.Atonepoint,hestoppedmovingwhilehewasstillinsidemeandsmiled,hisfaceaboveandsoclosetomine.Quietly,Isaid,“ThisisthehappiestI’veeverbeen.”
Thenwekissedforalongtime,movingtogether.
After,whileIrestedmyheadonhischest,hesaid,“YouknowthatthingIsaidaboutifIsawapictureofthecastandcrewofTNO?Ifeellikeitcameoutwrong,becauseyouarereallypretty.”Hesqueezedmywaist.“Iloveeverypartofyou.”
“WhenIdidn’tthinkyouweresmartatthepitchmeeting,itwasonlyfortenminutes,”Isaid.“Eversincethen,I’vethoughtyouare.”
Helaughed.“There’sacomplimentI’vewantedtogiveyou,butI’mnotsureI’vefiguredouthowtosayitinawaythatdoesn’tmakemesoundself-centered.”
“Everyoneisself-centered,”Isaid.“Goforit.”
“DoyourememberwhenwewereonthephoneandyouaskedifI’mthetypeofAirbnbhostwholeavesmyfamilyphotosoutandmyfoodintherefrigerator,andIsaidthatIwouldmakemyhouseverycleansothatyou’dgivemefivestars?”
“Yes.”
“Irealizemyresponsewasn’t,like,TNO-quality.ButIwasproudofmyselfbecause,honestly,I’mnotusuallythatquick-witted.Youbringoutthatsideofme.Youknowtheadviceabouthowyoushouldalwaysplaytenniswithpeoplebetterthanyou?WhenI’mtalkingtoyou,I’mafunnierandsmarterversionofmyselfbecauseyou’refunnyandsmart.”
“Ironically,”Isaid,“I’veplayedtennisabouttwice,andI’mawfulatit.”
ButNoah’svoicewasseriousashesaid,“Foralongtime,I’veknownthatthebestpartsofmylifewerethepublicparts.Ican’tcomplain,becausethosepartshavebeenreallygreat,liketouringinanothercountryorbeingpartofaceremonyattheWhiteHouse.Butinmyromanticrelationships,awayfromaudiencesandcameras—Idon’twanttoinsultthewomenI’vedated,becauseittakestwotohavemundaneconversations,buttheyweremundane.ItwaslikewhatyousaidaboutyouandthatguyGene.Eitherweweretalkingaboutpredictabletopicsortalkingaboutpotentiallyinterestingtopicsinapredictableway.SometimesI’dtellmyself,Well,sure,it’shardfornormallifetomeasureupafteryouhangoutwiththeObamas.Butothertimes,Ifeltlike,behindthescenes,therewasthisemptiness.Atnight,whenIwasgoingtobed,IwasmorerelaxedwhenIwasbymyself,whetherIwasn’tdatinganyoneorwasdatingsomeonebuttheyweren’ttherethatnight.Iwantedtofindarealpartner,butIcouldn’tpicturewhothepartnerwouldbe.”Hepaused.Myearwasoverhisheart,andIcouldhearitssteadybeat.“WhenI’mwithyou,”hecontinued,“thebest,mostinterestingpartofmylifeisbehindthescenes.Ifeltthisemailingyou,andIevenfeltitinyourTNOofficewhenyouwerehelpingwithmysketch.Like,nooneintheworldknowswhatwe’reuptoexceptusandit’sawesome.It’snotforsocialmedia,it’snotforadocumentaryaboutthemakingofanalbum,it’snotananecdotetotellonatalkshow.It’sjustbecausewethinkit’sfunandwelikeeachotherandwelikebeingtogether.”
Listeningtohim,ithadoccurredtometosay,“I’mhonoredthatyoufindmemoreinterestingthantheObamas,”butwhatcameoutofmymouthinsteadwas“That’sthenicestthinganyonehaseversaidtomeinmyentirelife.”Iraisedmyheadtolookathim.“AndIdon’tthinkit’sself-centered.”
“Oh,good.”Hegrinned.
“Justsoyouknow,”Isaid,“youweren’twrongaboutmebeingprivateandhatingtohavemypicturetaken,oratleastbyarandomdudejumpingoutofthebushes.”
“Ididknow,”hesaid.“BecauseyouthreatenedtostayatahotelwhenImentionedtheremightbepaparazziatthatshoppingcenterwhenyouwerearriving.IfI’mnotmistaken,youalsooncetoldmeyouwereagoblinwho’dneverappearedonstageatTNO.”
“Oh,right.”Ibroughtmyhanduptomyfaceinembarrassment.“Imean,therewasn’tasecondwhenIactuallywantedtostayatahotel.Ialwayswantedtostaywithyou.Ijustgotanxious.”
“Ilikethatyou’reprivate.Yourealizethattherearewomenwhodatedmeinordertogettheirpictureinmagazines,don’tyou?”
ThiswasanaspectofthesituationIhadn’tconsidered.“Ibetthatwasmoreofafringebenefitthanthemainreason,”Isaid.“I’msureyoubeingcharmingandadorablewasthemainreason.”
Dryly,hesaid,“Youmightbesurprised.”
“Imayhaveaflawortwo,butIsolemnlyswearthatI’llneveruseyoutotrytoadvancemymodelingcareer.Ortogetmycannabis-infused-jams-and-jelliessmallbusinessofftheground.”
Helaughed.“ThatremindsmetherearetwojokesI’vethoughtaboutmakingwhenwe’re”—hepattedmybarehip—“likethis.ShouldItrythemoutonyou?”
“Youdefinitelyshould.”
“Thefirstone,thejokepartisn’tthesentiment.It’sthecallback.”
IwassmilingasIsaid,“Nottodiscourageyou,butpreemptivelyexplainingajokerarelyenhancesit.”
“Okay,”hesaid.“Baby,youdon’tknowhowbeautifulyouare.You’resoperfect,IneverthoughtI’dfindthis,amIinheaven?”WhenIlaughed,hesaid,“Doyouknowwhatthat’sareferenceto?”
“Yes.”Ileanedinandkissedhim.“AndIdothinkit’sfunny.”
“Butyoualsogetthatit’sreallyhowIfeel?That’swhyIthinkofitwheneverwe’reinbed.”
“Thankyouforyourdelusionallygenerousviewofme.What’stheotherjoke?”
“Thisoneisalittlecrude.”
“Evenbetter.”
“I’msohappythatIcan’twipethesmileoffmypenis.”
Thistime,Ireally,reallylaughed,andhesaid,“Seriously,thesoundofyoulaughing—there’snothingelselikeit.”
—
Tomysurprise,thefirstpersontocontactmeaboutthephotoswasn’tHenrietta;itwasDanny.YoChuckles,readhistext,whicharrivedthatnightjustafter10p.m.Pacifictime.He’dincludedalinktoanonlinetabloidwiththeheadline“NoahBrewsterSpottedonHikewithMysteryWoman.”NoahandIwerewatchingamovieinthesittingareaoffthekitchenbuthadpauseditwhilehegotuptopee.
Danny’snexttextwasAren’tuadarkhorse
Weirdhuh?Ireplied.Howareyoudoing?
FromDanny:TryingtohidehowmuchIdigthepandemic.Thiswasfollowedbyaphotoofaplacid,emptypoolintheforeground,thensomewell-manicuredhedges,thenpartofavastwhitebrickhousethatIassumedtobeNigel’sHamptonsmansion,anassumptionconfirmedwhenDannyadded,Nigellikestokeepitatasweet81degrees
Thepool?Ireplied.OralloftheHamptons?
FromDanny:AreuandNBcuffed?
Irepliedwiththeshruggingbrown-hairedwhitewomanemojithenadded,PrettysureNoahkeepshisclosertoasweet75degrees
Danny:Toeachhis/herownsugardaddy
Ididn’tlovethis,norwasIconvincedthattheimplicationwasunfair.
BtwheandAnnabelneverreallydatedbackin2018,Iwrote.
Danny:OldnewsChuckles
Danny:Goodtoseeuenjoyingyourselfforonce
ThenexttextwasindeedfromHenrietta,afterascreenshottakenofadifferentonlinegossipsite:Myfavheteroheadlineever!Thisonewas“DoesNoahBrewsterHaveaNewGirlfriend?”
Iskimmedbotharticles.Icouldseethatalreadythereweremanymore,allregurgitatingthesameminimalinformation—Noah,debutinganewlyshornlook,andtheunidentifiedwomantookahikeintheceleb-popularTemescalCanyonPark….Brewster,whowaslastlinkedwithjewelrydesignerLouisianaWilliams…NoahBrewster,almostunrecognizablewithouthissignaturelonghair,andhisbrunettedatewereallsmilesfollowingtheafternoonstroll….Thephotos,ofwhichthereseemedtobejustthree,wereofusbeforewe’drealizedthepaparazzowasthere,whenwewereholdinghandsandbothlookingslightlydownwardatthepathinfrontofus,exceptinoneNoahwasfacingmeandspeaking.ThoughI’dbeenwearingwhatIthoughtofasmycutestandsleekestleggings,mythighslookedlumpierthantheydidinmymind’seye.Onthegossipsite,someofthephotoshelpfullyincludedsuperimposedbrightgreenarrowspointingattheabsenceofNoah’shairunderhisbaseballcap.
IcouldhearNoahreturning,andIhadtheimpulsetotossmyphonebehindacushion,butIhadn’tdonesobythetimeheappeared.“Iseverythingokay?”heasked.
Ihesitatedthensaid,“Ithinkthephotosareonline.Imeantheyareonline.”
Helookeddispleased.“CanImakeasuggestion?Ignoreitcompletely,andlet’sletmypublicistdealwithanythingthatneedstobedealtwithtomorrow.”
Ihesitated—Ididn’twanttoupsethim,butitfeltoddforhimnottoknow—thensaid,“Arethosethefirstphotossinceyoushavedyourhead?”
Hegrimaced.“Isthatwhatthey’remakingthisabout?”
“Partly.Isthatalsosomeofthereasonyoudidn’twantyourpicturetaken?”Hadmyessentialmistakebeentheassumptionthathisdispleasureintheparkinglotwasatallconnectedtome?
Butheshookhishead.“WhenIhadCovid,IwonderedifIwasgoingtodie.Or,IknowItoldyouthis,butifIwasgoingtopermanentlylosemyvoice.Andcomparedtoeitherofthose,ifthey’regoingtomockmeforahaircut”—heshrugged—“sobeit.”
“They’retreatingitmoreasbreakingnewsthanmockingit.Butyeah.”Hewasstillstanding,andIheldopenmyarms.“Fuck’em,”Isaid.Hesatandleanedintome,lettingmeenfoldhimfromtheside,andIhuggedhimtightly.
Butmyabilitytokeepthingsinperspectivewasshort-lived.I’dplacedmyphoneonthetableinfrontofthecouch,thenafterthemovieended,Iglancedatitandrecoiled;Ihadtwelvenewtexts,whichwasalotforme,especiallyatthishour.WhileNoahwasbrushinghisteeth,Isetmyphoneonthefloorinthehalloutsidehisbedroomandclosedthedoor.Wecuddledwithouthavingsexbeforehefellasleep(Iguessthepassionisgoneforever,Ithought),thenIlayawakeforasolidtwohours,fellasleepbriefly,awakened,andscurriedtotheguestroomtoreadeveryarticleandeverycomment.Amongthecomments,blatantinsultssuchasNhoaBrewsterwouldneverdateawomenwholookslikethatshesobvouslyhisassitantandHismusicsuckshelookssooldwithnohairnownowonderhecantgethottieswereinterspersedwithbackhandedcomplimentsalongthelinesofInoursuperficialtimesIrespectNoahevenmorefornotcaringwhathisGFlookslike!IalsoreadeverytextandemailI’dreceivedovernightfromaboutfiftypeople,includingmycollegeroommate,Denise;achildhoodbabysitter;andaco-workerfromthecreditcardmagazine.Alsofrommyagent,manager,andthedirectorofpublicityforTNO;apparently,atsomepoint,I’dbeenidentifiedbynameandoccupation,andtheonlinearticleshadbeenupdatedtoreflectthisinformation.
Therewasoneemailunrelatedtothephotos,anditwasfromJerry;thesubjectwasFoodForThoughtDearSally,he’dwritten,Doyouknowthereissomethingcalled“pupcakes”?Theyarecupcakesfordogs!Mostoftheingredientsaresuitableforpeople,buttheyputaboneontopfor“decoration.”SugarandImissyou!Love,Jerry
IfIhadrespondedtoanyofthemessages,thiswastheoneI’dhavechosen.ButIwastooagitatedfrombingeingongossipaboutmyself,exhaustedandimmobilized.IrespondedtonothingandleftmyphoneintheguestroomwhenIreturnedtoNoah.
—
Twodayspassed,daysduringwhichbothofuscommunicatedapreposterousnumberoftimeswithourrespectiveagentsandmanagers,andtheyallspoketoeachother.Thetoneoftheseconversationscouldhavemadeanobserverconcludethatwewerediscussingatopicofmajorsignificance—arespiratorypandemic,say,orsystemicracism—but,evenasmystomachchurned,Ifoundithardtobedismissive.TheconsensuswasthatNoah’spublicistwouldsaynothingforthetimebeingandwaituntilwewerephotographedagaintomakeastatement,andthestatement,whichwouldbereleasedtoaweeklymagazineknownforitsobsequioustreatmentofcelebritiesandattributedtoasourcewhoknewbothofuswouldbe:NoahandSallydevelopedafriendshipwhenhehostedTheNightOwlsin2018.They’renowenjoyingspendingtimetogetherandseeingwhereitgoes.
Forus,theconversationstohashoutthisanodynenon-declarationmostlytookplaceinthesittingareaoffthekitchen,sometimesonZoomonNoah’slaptopandothertimesonNoah’sphone,setonthecoffeetableonspeaker.Beforetheconclusiveoneended,Noahsaidtothesevenotherpeoplewho’ddialedin,“IknowthereasonnottoshoutfromtherooftopsthatI’mmadlyinlovewithSallyisthatthatwouldbebaitingthepaparazzi.Buttobeclear,I’mmadlyinlovewithSally.”
Therewasanuncharacteristicsilencefromtheagentsandmanagers,then,finally,inawaythatbeliedthesentiment,afemalevoicethatIthoughtbelongedtoNoah’sagentsaid,“That’swonderfulnews,Noah.”
Afterthecallended,Isaid,“AtleastnowIunderstandwhyyoudroppedmyhandintheparkinglot.”I’dmeantthecommentruefully,butIcouldhearthatitsoundedbitter.
Hetookmyhandthen,liftedittohismouth,andkissedtheback.“Thispartblowsover,”hesaid.
—
Itwasafterlunchthenextday—Margithadpreparedaspinachfrittataandfreshberries—thatNoahsaid,“Ihavesomethingtoshowyou.”Heledmetohisstudy,openedthedoor,lookedatme,andsaidwithaboyishsortofpride,“Whatdoyouthink?”
Aswhenhe’dshownmetheroomonthedayofmyarrival,thelongandrough-hewndeskwasemptyexceptforadarkblueceramiclamp,andtheroomwasuncluttered.ThenIrealizedthatthebuilt-inshelvesbehindthedesk,whichhadpreviouslybeenaboutathirdfull,wereentirelyempty.Hewavedmeovertothedeskandopenedtheonelarge,shallowdrawer.It,too,wasempty.
“It’syours,”hesaid.“Thisroomisyourofficesoyoucanstayforeverandwriteyourscreenplays.”
Ihadn’tpulledmylaptopoutofmybackpacksincegettingtohishouse.
Slowly,Isaid,“ButIhaveajob.”
“Thatyou’vebeentellingmeforthelasttwoyearsyouwanttoquit.”
“ButIsignedacontractsayingI’dgoback.”
“Isn’tthatwhatagentsarefor?”
“ButI’mnotflaky.I’mresponsible.”
Welookedateachother,andhesaid,“Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.Imeanttomakeyoufeelwelcome.”
“IfIstayedhereforever,whatdoesthatevenmean?WouldIpayyourent?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“SoI’dsuddenlybecomeapersongeneratingnoincomewhilelivinginsomeman’smansion?”
“I’llbeshockedifthestudiosdon’tfighteachothertobuyanyscreenplayyouwrite.”Hisvoicewascoolerashesaid,“AndIdon’tthinkofmyselfassomeman,butIguessyoudo.”
“IfIweretoquitTNOandstayhere,itwouldcostyounothing.Ifwebreakupintwomonths,orineightmonths,youcanjustproceedlikethisneverhappened.ButI’dhavegivenupmyjobandmyapartmentandmylifeinthecitywhereIhavefriends.”
“Thenholdontoyourapartment.”
“I’dhavegivenupmyidentity.InsteadofbeingaTNOwriter,I’llbelike,ExampleSeveninanarticleaboutnineteencelebswhoaretotallydatingnormies.I’veheardfrommorepeopleaboutthoseparkinglotpicturesthanaboutanysketchI’veeverwritten.”
“Ithoughtyou’dlikehavingaplacetowrite,butnowIseethatIwasmovingtoofastandbeingpresumptuous.Sally,I’msorrythatIdidn’tthinkthroughhowthiswouldlookfromyourperspective.”Butinhisvoice,alongwithcontrition,therewasimpatience.
“It’snotthatyou’vedoneanythingwrong,”Isaid,“butIdon’tknowhowtodothis.”
“Thiswhat?”
“Idon’tknowhowtobeinarelationship.IthinkIshouldgo.Likestaysomewhereelseforafewdaysandjusttrytogetsomeperspective.Idon’twanttogiveupmycareerbecauseofhowgooditfeelswhenyougodownonme.”Immediately,IcouldseethatIhaddistractedusbothwiththespecificityofthisexample,thattherewasanoff-rampfortheconversationwewerehavingaswellasthecourseofactionIhadsuggested.AndmaybeIwasbeingrashbutIalsowasbeingsincere—Ididn’twanttoleaveTNObecauseofNoah.IwantedtoleaveTNObecauseitwastimetoleaveTNO.Asifthisresolvedanything,Iadded,“Ineedtothinkthisstuffthrough.”
—
Once,yearsbefore,I’dstayedonforafewdaysaftertheEmmysceremony,movingfromthedowntownhotelwherethenetworkputusuptoanoceanfrontroomataboutiquehotelinSantaMonica.ThiswasearlyoninthetimewhenIcouldhaveaffordedsuchathing,andI’ddonelittleduringmystay—I’dread,andwalkedonthebeach,andeatentakeoutonthebalcony—and,prettymuchcontinuously,I’dexperienceddisbeliefatmygoodfortune.Ididn’tliveinMissouriorNorthCarolinaanymore!Ididn’tworkforamedicalnewsletter!Iwasn’tmarriedtoamanwhothoughtIwasn’tfunny!IwasaTNOwriterwhohadbeennominatedforanEmmyandcouldstayatahotelthatcostfourhundreddollarsanight!
Returningtothesameboutiquehotel,Itriedtoremindmyselfthatthesefactswerestilltrue—bynow,I’dwonEmmysandcouldaffordtostayatahotelthatcurrentlycostfivehundredandthirtydollarsanight—butIfeltbereft.Thoughthebeachwasopen,thepier,whichIcouldseefrommybalcony,waseerilyempty,andthestreetsnearbywerequiet.ApowerfulsenseofmisgivinghadbeguntogripmeinNoah’sguestroom,asIsetmyclothesinmysuitcasethenloadedmyauntDonna’scar,whichIhadn’tdrivensincepullingontohisproperty.Hehadwalkedouttothedrivewaywithme,andashekissedmycheekwithanunfamiliarformality,IwonderedifI’dlosthimalready.Myregrethadn’tbeentotalasIwoundsoutharoundtheroadsofTopanga.Butmyregretwasalreadystrong,andgrewstrongerastheminutesandhourspassed.WhyhadIvoluntarilyleft?WhatwasIproving,andtowhom?WasthiswhenmyinterludewithNoahwouldbegintorecedeasapandemicfeverdream?
I’dcheckedintothehotelat3:30,thenlayonthebedforawhile,planningtoreadandinsteadcryingmyselftosleepforanafternoonnap.WhenIawakened,Iwasn’tsurewhattimeitwas,oratfirst,whereIwas,andthenIrealized:7:18p.m.,andahotel.Ithoughtoforderingdinner,butinsteadItextedVivandHenrietta:HadbadconversationwithNB,nowinhotel,maybethingsareover
FromViv:Ohnowhathappened
FromHenrietta:Areyouokay
Fromme:WeirdpartisIthinkhewantsaseriousrelationship/wantsmetostayhere
FromViv:Ofcoursehedoesyou’reacatch
FromHenrietta:Isthatwhatfightwasabout
Fromme:Kindof
Fromme:WoulditbecrazyifIdon’tcomebacktoTNO
FromHenrietta:Thenwhowillwritemysketchesaboutthe35yearoldwhohasn’tfiguredouthowtouseatampon
FromHenrietta:JKit’syouronewildandprecious
FromViv:DoyouWANTtostayoutthere
Fromme:Idon’tknow
FromViv:Pretendit’sMondayandyou’reabouttoleaveyouraptandcometo66andsitinNigel’sofficeforthepitchmeeting
FromViv:Areyoupsychedtobebackorareyouoveritall
FromHenrietta:AsyouinhalethearomaofDanny’sburps
FromHenrietta:Ormaybenotbcwe’llallbewearingmasks?
Foralmostaminute,Iheldthephone,bitingmylip.ThenIwrote,Itmakesmesosadtothinkofnotseeingyouguysinthemiddleofthenight
FromHenrietta:FWIWI’mwillingtohauntyourdreams
—
Inthemorning,IwentoutforcoffeeandaneggsandwichthatIatestandingoutsidethecafé,thenIwalkedonthebeachbeforeitgotcrowded,asthesurfroaredbesideme,notwashingawaymythoughts.Backintheroom,IconsideredtextingNoahbutinsteadgoogledhisname.Theso-calledtopstorieswereaboutourhike,andIlookedatthephotosagain,andagainfeltdismayedatthefitofmyleggings,thoughthedismaywasalmostimmediatelyeclipsedbyanostalgiaforthismomentfourdaysbefore,whenwe’dbeencasuallyholdinghands,casuallychatting.
Itookmylaptopontothebalcony,sat,andcreatedanewdocumentthatInamedPros/Cons.ThenIobservedtheblinkingcursor,listingneitherprosnorconsofquittingTNOandmovingtoL.A.Ineededsomeclassicalmusictohelpme.Iwentintotheroomtofindmyearbuds,andwhenIreturnedtothebalcony,myphonewasbuzzingwithanincomingtext,butitwasn’tfromNoah;itwasfromViv.
Howyoufeelingtoday?
Okay,Itextedback.Thanksforchecking.Howyoufeeling?
Sherepliedwithaphotoinwhichshestoodinprofileinfrontofamirror,herbellytrulyenormousbeneathagraytanktop.
Amazing!!!!Ireplied.Youlookgreat
Whenmyphonebuzzedagain,Iassumeditwasher,butthistimeitwasamessagefromNoah:Hey
Myheartclutched.
Hey,Iwroteback.Howareyou?
Thethreedotspulsatedforwhatfeltlikefifteenminutesbutwasprobablytenseconds.Thenfinally:Thehouseisreallyquietwithoutyou
Thiswasso…nice?Mature?Non-game-playing?
AsIbegantyping,anothertextfromhimappeared:I’msorrythatImadeyoufeellikeIdon’trespectyourjob
Fromhim:Idorespectyourjob
Fromme:I’msorrythatIfailedtoexpresstheslightestappreciationaboutyouclearingoutyourstudy
Fromme:Thatwasverykindofyou
Fromme:EvenifIturneditintosomethingweirdandsymbolic
Ityped,Imissyou,butbeforeIcouldsendit,hetexted:Abouttoworkoutw/Bobby
Fromhim:Haveagoodday
IwaitedafewsecondsthendeletedImissyou
—
Butbytheafternoon,IwaslookinguphowmuchitwouldcosttotransportmyauntDonna’scarbacktoKansasCityifIflewdirectlyfromL.A.toNewYork.AlthoughIdidn’tusuallyneedtobebackatTNOuntilthelastweekinSeptember,therewererumorsthatwe’dhaveadditionaldaysoftrainingforthenewCovidprotocolsandthatattendancemightbestaggeredbecauseoflimitsonhowmanypeoplecouldbeinaroomatatime.Plus,I’dbeenawayforfourmonths;maybeitmadesensetogobackearly,toreacclimatetothecityinapandemic.Byevening,however,I’ddecidedthatelevenyearsofpitchmeetings—alongwithelevenyearsofTuesdayall-nightersandWednesdayread-throughsandThursdayrewritesandFridayrehearsalsand,yes,evenSaturdayshows—wasenough.Ididn’tneedatwelfthyear.AndthereweremorereasonsIdidn’twantatwelfthyearthanreasonsIdid.
Ikeptmovinginandoutofcertaintyanduncertainty,composureanddespair.Asthesunsetovertheocean,alonelinessseizedmethatdidn’tpass.Bythispoint,itwasnineinL.A.andmidnightontheEastCoast,andwhiletherewasatimeIwouldn’thavehesitatedtocallVivorHenriettaatmidnight,thattimehadbeenpriortothemortheirwifebeingextremelypregnant.Ireallyshouldhavemademorethantwofriendsbackwhenmakingfriendswasstillpossible,Ithought,andthenIthought,Danny.
ItextedCanyoutalknow?andafewsecondslater,hewasfacetimingme,wearingatie-dyedT-shirt,reclinedonafloralsofa.Hesaid,“What’sshakin’,Chuckles?”
“CanyouimagineNoahbeingmyboyfriend?Notjustasapandemichookup,asareallong-termthing.”
“HankandRoyhavealwayssaidyou’reaeunuch,andI’mlike,‘Nah,man,she’sgotabeatingheart.’?”
“Thanks?”
“Areyouinacaverightnow?”
“I’minahotelroom,andonlythebathroomlightison.”
“Thatdoesn’tsoundatalldepressing.”JustasIdecidedthatreachingouttohimhadbeenamistake,hisexpressionturnedserious.“Youokay,Chuckles?”
“Notreally.Ididn’thavecontactwithNoahfromthetimehehosteduntilaboutamonthago,thenheemailedme,thenwehadthisemailingfrenzy,thenIdroveoutheretoL.A.andwehadagreattime,thenIruinedit.IthinkIwanttoquitTNOandstayherewithhim,butwhyshouldIgettobeNoah’sgirlfriend?Whatmakesmedeserving?Andanyway,isn’tbeinginarelationshipwithafamouspersonkindofterrible?”
“Okay,backup.Tobecrystalclear,youandNoahhavebeenbanging?”
“Correct.”
“You’reaskingseparatequestions,solet’sgoinorder.WhyshouldyougettobeNoah’sgirlfriend?You’reinoverlappingindustries,youmet,andobviouslyyouhititoffifhewasstillthinkingofyoutwoyearslater.Andthebangingwasdecent?”
“Yes.”
“Andyou’reeasytotalkto,sothatcoverstheconversationpart.It’snotnecessarilymorecomplicatedthanthat.Nextup,whatmakesyoudeserving?You’refunny,you’recool,andyoupretendtobetoughbutyou’reasoftie.”
“I’msorrytobegforcompliments,butaren’tItheleastcoolpersonyouknow?”
“Idon’tmeanI’dtakeadvicefromyouonwhatsneakerstobuy.Imeancoollikehavingyourshittogether.Fortheisn’t-being-in-a-relationship-with-a-famous-person-terriblequestion—yeah,probably.Orithassomesuckyparts,butallrelationshipshavesuckyparts.Here’smyquestionforyou.Doyoulikehimalotoralittle?”
“MorethananyoneI’veevermet.”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”
“Lotsofpeopledon’tgetwhattheywantinlife.WhyshouldI?”
“Didn’twealreadycoverthis?”
“IthinkI’mbetteratusingrageanddisappointmenttofuelmycreativity.Happinessmakesmeuneasy.”
Whenhelaughed,Isaid,“IwishIwaskidding.”
“Iknowyou’renot.Here’sanotherwayoflookingatit.You’re,like,forty,yeah?”
“Thirty-eight.”
“Butyou’veexperiencedyourshareofhookupsandrelationshipsthatdidn’tworkout.Elliotorwhoever?”
“WhotoldyouIhadathingforElliot?Elliot?”
“Ineverrevealmysources.MypointisthatevenifNoahistheloveofyourlife,yourbattingaverageisstillprettybad.Soismine,andsoismostpeople’s.Ofallthecouplesthateverexisted,mostaren’ttogethernow.You’renottogetherwithyourex-husband.I’mnottogetherwithAnnabel.Ibelieveyouthatyou’rebadatdating,butyoucanbebadatdatingandstillfallinloveoncealifetime.”
“Thatlogicisenticingyetvery,verytenuous.”
Hegrinned.“I’mgoodatfallinginlove,anditmakesmybattingaveragealotworsethanyours.”
“HowarethingswithyouandLucy?”
“ArewefinishedwithyouandNoah?”
“Thefactthathe’swaymoreattractivethanIam—youreallythinkthatdoesn’tmatter?”
“Oh,man,I’mexcitedyouaskedmethis.TherearethreetopicsI’manauthorityon.Youknowwhattheyare?”
Ishookmyhead.
“ThemoviesofBethanyBrick.ThemenuattheBigWingsonForty-eighthStreet.AndIdon’tknowifyou’veheardofthis,butthere’ssomethingcalledtheDannyHorstRule.Andtheamazingthingis,I’mDannyHorst.”
“Touché.”
“Chuckles,youandNoaharetheoneswhodecideifitmatters.Itdoesn’tseemlikeitmatterstohimsothatjustleavesyou.”
“Whenyouputitlikethat,italmostmakesmesoundlikeaself-sabotagingasshat.”
“I’mnotgoingtosaytheruledoesn’texist,butit’slikeSantaClaus.It’sonlyrealifyoubelieveinit.”
“Well,ifyou’reJewishandI’magnostic…thankyouforthis,Danny.”
“Anytime,Chuckles.AndthingsaregoodwithmeandLucy.”
“GivemyregardstoNigel.”
—
Whenmyphonerangthenextmorningatseven,Iagain,ofcourse,thoughtitwasNoah,untilIsawonthescreenthatthecallwasfrommyauntDonna.
“Oh,Sally,Jerryisn’tdoingwell,”shesaidafterI’danswered.“Ithinkhehasit.”
“Youthinkhehas—”Ipaused,butIalreadyknew.“Covid?”
“OnSundaywewentovertherewithBarbara,andweweresittingonthedeck,butitstartedrainingsowewentinside.Wetriedtostaysixfeetapart,thenBarbaratestedpositiveandI’msureit’sbecausehergrandsonsarestayingwithher,andNicholasworksatStarbucks.”
“WhenyousayJerryisn’tdoingwell—doyoumean—whatdoyoumean?”
“Italkedtohimonthephonejustnow,andhesoundsweakandalittle,well,alittledisoriented.Hesaidsomethingaboutclearingsnowfromthedriveway.Sweetheart,Iwanttohelp,butwithmydiabetesandRichard’scardiomyopathy,I’mafraidit’llgetallofus.Iwenttherethismorningandrangthedoorbell,hopinghe’dcometothewindowsoIcouldseehimformyself,buthedidn’t.Who’sthemotherinthefamilynextdoor?”
“Charlotte?”
“ShecameoutwhenshesawmeonJerry’sstoopandsaidthatatfiveinthemorningSugarwaswanderingintheiryardwithnoleash.Theyalsodidn’tgetananswerwhentheyknockedonJerry’sdoor,andshesaidshewasabouttocallthepolicewhenshesawmepullupinRichard’scar.”
“Where’sSugarnow?”
“ItoldherJerry’snotwell,andshesaidthey’llkeepher.”
EvenmorealarmingthantheideaofJerryhavingCovidwastheideaofJerrylettingSugarwandertheneighborhoodunattended;heneverdidthat.
“Okay,”Isaid.“I’llcomeback.IfIgetinthecarnow”—Imeant,ofcourse,inDonna’scar—“Icanbetheretomorrowmorning,butI’llcheckflights,too.”
Iwonderedifshe’dtrytodissuademe.Instead,shesaid“Sally,hetoldmenottocallyou,butIthoughtyoushouldknow.”
—
“Hey,”Noahsaidwhenheansweredhisphone,andhisvoicecontainedthescratchinessofsleep.
“IthinkJerryhasCovid,”Isaid.“Ijusttriedtoreachhim,buthedidn’tpickup.Sorryforwakingyou.”
“No,it’sfine.Areyouconsideringgoingbackthere?”Theabsenceofanyirritationonhispart—thepresenceofsympathy,theimmediatewillingnesstosuspendtheunresolvedtensionbetweenus—feltlikeasignificantdatapoint,oneIcouldhaveguessedatbutnothavebeensureof.
“I’mdefinitelygoingback,butI’mtryingtofigureoutifIshoulddriveorfly.”
“Howsickishe?”
“Idon’tknow.Hissister,myauntDonna,called,andshehasherownhealthissuessoshehasn’tseenhim,butshesaidhe’sdisorientedandtheneighborsfoundSugarintheiryardthismorning.Jerry’sprettyhealthyaseighty-one-year-oldsgo,but—well,he’seighty-one.”
“Youshouldfly.Letmemakeafewcalls.”
IcouldhavepretendedthatIdidn’tunderstandwhathemeant,orIcouldhaveprotestedthatitwastooextravagant,becauseIalreadyknewIwouldn’tbepayingforit.Instead,Isaid,“Thankyou,Noah.”
—
ItwasaGulfstream,witheightwhiteleatherseatsinthecabin.Inadditiontothetwopilots,thereweretwoflightattendants,alloftheminnavy-and-golduniforms,allofthemwearingmasks,asNoahandIalsowere.Noah’spresenceontheplanewasthesurprise.He’dcalledmebackfortyminutesafterIcalledhimandsaid,“Okay,LeahandIaregoingtocometoyou,she’lltakeustotheairport,you’llgiveheryourcarkeys,andshe’llgolatertodaytoyourhoteltogetyourcaranddriveitbacktomyhouse.Theflight’soutofVanNuys,notLAX.”Leah,whomIhadn’tpreviouslymet,washispersonalassistant.
Ihadflownonprivateplanesafewtimes,includingwhenthe2015EmmyAwardsceremonywasthesameweekthattherealHillaryClinton—andnotjustthecastmemberLynette,whoplayedher—wasappearingonTNOandIwaswritingthesketch.Thosetimesonprivateplanes,alwaysatTNO’sexpense,I’dfeltlikeacrossbetweenanimposterandatourist,discreetlytakingpicturesoftheinteriortosendmymother.Thistimewasdecidedlylessfestive.
Onthetarmac,afterwe’dclimbedfromthecarandwalkedtotheboardingstairs,NoahheldoutanarmtoindicatethatIshouldgofirst.Inthefrontofthecabin,fourofthewhiteleatherseatswerearrangedfacingeachotherinpairs,withatablebetweenthemonwhichwerewaterbottlesandadishofmints.Iglancedovermyshoulder,unsurewhereIshouldsit,andNoahsaid,“Whydon’tyougothere?”andnoddedtowardthewindowseatinthepairfacingforward.AfterIhad,heslidinnexttome,pushedupthewhiteleatherarmrestbetweenourchairs,andwordlesslysethisrightarmaroundmyshoulder.Iwordlesslyturnedmyfaceintohischestandclosedmyeyes.Throughmymask,hisnecksmelledthewayhesmelledonwaking,somecombinationofbeingoutsideinthewoodsandbread,andIthoughthowinthelastfewweeks,theideaofhimhadsometimesmademenervousbuttherealityofhimalwayscomfortedme.
Oneoftheflightattendantsoffereduscoffee,whichwebothaccepted,andblueberrymuffins,whichhedeclinedandIaccepted,pullingdownmymasktotakebites.Overthesoundsystem,thepilotapologizedforourbumpyascent,thentheridesmoothedout,andtheflightattendantrefilledourmugs.I’dbeenscrollingonmyphone,andNoahhadbeenscrollingonhisiPad,andhesaid,“Doyouwanttowatchamovie?”Hetoldmetochoose,andIpickedahistoricaldramathat,whilenotaswellwrittenasitseemedtothink,wasatleastsomewhatdistracting.Bythetimethecreditsrolled,weweretwentyminutesfromlanding.
“Unlesshe’sreallyinhorribleshape,heshouldn’tgotothehospital,”Isaid.“Right?Becausecouldn’tthatbeevenworseintermsofovercrowdingandlackofventilators?”
“Leahtrackeddownadoctorwho’ssupposedtomeetusatthehouseatthree.Ithinkwelethimassess.”Noahsqueezedmyhand.“Andsheorderedacartotakeusfromtheairport.”
Ilookedathiminconfusion.“Likeaconciergedoctor?”
“Yes,”hesaid.“Likeaconciergedoctor.”
—
I’dremovedthekeytoJerry’shousebeforeI’dgivenmycarkeystoLeah,andIpulleditfrommyjeanspocketaswewalkedupthepathleadingtothefrontdoor.ThehousemymotherandIhadmovedintoin1983wasamodestcolonialwithmaroonshutters.NoahandIkeptourmasksonasweentered.
Ihadsincetheplanetookoffbeengrippedbymutuallyexclusiveanxieties.Thefirstwasthatwe’dfindJerrydoingchairyogaoreatingRaisinBran,wonderingwhatthefusswas,anditwouldturnoutI’dusedDonna’scallasanexcusetosummonNoah,ortotesthim.Theotheranxietywasthatwe’dfindJerrydead.
Icalledhisnameseveraltimes,buttherewasnoresponse.WithNoahclosebehindme,Ihurriedupthesteps,whichwerecoveredinabeigecarpetfrommyyouth.ThedoortoJerry’sbedroomwasopen,andwhenIconfirmedtheslightriseandfallofhisbodybeneaththesheet,I,too,exhaled.“Jerry,it’sSally,”Isaid.“IcamebackfromL.A.”
Hewaslyingonhisside,facingthedoor.Hiseyesblinkedopeninhislong,thinface.Helookedconfused,andsomethinginhisexpressionwasstrangelychildlike,animpressionexacerbatedbythefactthatclearmucuswasdrippingfromonenostril.
“It’sSally,”Isaidagain.“I’mwearingamaskbecauseofCovid.”
“Hi,honey,”hesaidinasubduedvoice.
Ikneltbesidethebed.“Howareyoufeeling?Doyouthinkyoushouldgotothehospital?”Isetmypalmagainsthisforehead,anditwasburning.
“It’smythroat.”Hetouchedhisneckandinhissubduedvoicesaid,“It’snotgood.”
“Haveyouhadanythingtoeatordrinklately?”
Behindme,Noahsaid,“I’llgethimsomewater.”
Jerryclosedhiseyes,andIrecallednothavingrespondedtohisemailaboutthepupcakes.ItwashardnottothinkofwhatI’dbeendoingwhilehe’dbeendeteriorating—hikingwithNoah,havingsexwithNoah,declaringtoNoahthathiscleared-outofficewasanaffronttomyindependence.
Noahreturnedwithtwoglassesofwater,onewithiceandonewithout,andheldthembothouttome.AsIreachedfortheonewithoutice,hesaid,“Icouldn’tfindanystraws,butIcangogetsome.”BecauseofhowcloseJerrywastotheedgeofthebed—unsettlinglyclose—Icouldn’tperchbesidehimonthemattress.Instead,Icontinuedkneelingontherugandheldtheglasstohislips.Thoughsomewaterdribbleddownhischinandneck,hedrankseveralsips.
“Whataboutsomecrackers?”Noahsaid.“Orapplesauce?”
“Maybecrackers,”Isaid.“Idon’tthinkhehasapplesauce.”
ThistimewhenNoahlefttheroom,Isaid,“That’sthefriendIwasvisitinginL.A.,Noah.Hecamewithmeto—”Ipaused.“Checkonyou.”
“Yes,”Jerrysaid,andhiseyesshutagain.
Ihadwondered,onenteringtheroom,ifIwassmellingdeath,butI’dquicklyrealizedIwassmellingfeces,andnotfromthebathroom.Tissueswerescatteredatopthesheetandonthefloor,andtherewasalowscrapingnoisethatIsoondeducedwasahumidifierwithnowaterleftinit.Isettheglassonhisnightstand,walkedtotheoutlet,andyankedoutthecord.
NoahbroughtinasmallplasticcontainerofvanillapuddingandateaspoononaplatewithafewRitzcrackers.Isaid,“IfIlifthim,willyoufluffhispillowssohe’smoreelevated?”
AsIreachedaroundJerrywithbotharms,hefeltshockinglyfrail.“Howaboutafewbitesoffood?”Isaid.“Togiveyourselfalittleenergy?”
Jerrydidn’treply,andIsaid,“Howaboutsomepudding?”
“Pudding,”herepeated.
Ipulledthetabofftheplasticcup,butbeforeI’dpeeledbackthefoil,Isaid,“Oh,weshouldwashourhands.”
“Ididinthekitchen.”Noahnoddedatthepudding.“Wantmetodothat?”
IpassedittohimandwalkedintoJerry’sbathroomtousethefaucet.WhenIcameback,NoahwaskneelingwhereI’dbeenbefore,holdingtheteaspoontoJerry’slipswiththecreamyglobonit.AsIwatched,Jerrypartedhislipsslightly,andNoahslidthespoonin.
Jerryswallowedthensaid,“That’senough.”Onceagain,heclosedhiseyes.
“Howmuchdidhehave?”Iasked.
Noahheldupthecontainer,whichwasstillmostlyfull.“Threeorfourbites.”Hestood,motioningwithhisthumbtothedoorway.“Wannagotalk?”
Iledhimacrossthehalltomyroom;neitherofusremarkedonthewhitewickerfurniture.Iinstinctivelysatsidewaysinmydeskchair,andNoahsatonthebedandloweredhismasktohischin.Hesaid,“ImeanttopackthepulseoximeterMargitgotwhenIwassickandIforgotit.I’llgooutandseeifIcanfindone.”
“Heseemshorrible,right?”
“Hedoesn’tseemgreat,butit’shardtoseparatewhat’sbecausehe’sold,what’slyinginbedforafewdaysnotreallyeatingordrinking,andwhat’sCovid.Andwedon’tevenknowthathehasCovid.”
“Thisisn’twhathe’slikeundernormalcircumstances.He’snotoneofthoseelderlypeoplewhorunsmarathons,buthewalksaroundandmakessense.”
“I’mgoingtogolookforapulseoximeterandstraws.ShouldIcallanUberortakehiscar?”
“Areyoucomfortabledrivinga2002Buick?”
Noahsmiledslightly,andIsaid,“That’saseriousquestion.”
“Wherearethekeys?”
“Andalso,nooffense,butifyou’regoingtoTargetorwhatever,doyouknowhowtoshopatTarget?Haveyoueverdoneitbefore?”
“Yes,”Noahsaid.“IknowhowtoshopatTarget.”
Webothwentdownstairs,andIfoundthekeyswhereJerryalwaysleftthem,onahookjustinsidethedoorthatledtothegarage;thekeychainwasaleatherovalwithagoldmetalduckinprofile,somethingJerryhadusedforaslongasIcouldremember.
Noahwrappedhisarmsaroundme.Ihuggedhimback,andneitherofussaidanything.
—
LeahtextedNoahtosaythattheconciergedoctorwasrunninglate,andheshowedupnotatthreeo’clockbutatalmostseven.Dr.Fischerarrivedalone,asIhadn’texpected,andwearingsomuchprotectivegearthathewasbarelyrecognizableashuman,whichIsuspectedfurtherdisorientedJerry.Icertainlycouldn’tfaultDr.Fischerforit,butinadditiontoawhitemaskoverhisnoseandmouth,heworeahoodwithaclearshieldinthefrontand,onhisbody,paleblueplasticcoveralls.Onhishandswerelatexgloves,and,overhisshoes,whitebooties.HeadministeredaCovidtestviaJerry’snostrils,thefirstCovidtestIeversaw,andsaidhisofficewouldnotifyusoftheresultsthefollowingdaybutthatweshouldoperateontheassumptionthatJerrydidhaveit.WeweretowatchforJerry’sskinorlipsturningblue,aninabilitytocatchhisbreath,orcomplaintsofchestpain;ifanyofthesesymptomsoccurred,weshouldcallanambulanceortakehimtothehospitalimmediately.Inthemeantime,weshouldencouragefluidsandusethepulseoximeteronhimtwiceaday.
Ihadthoughtthatthepresenceofadoctorinthehousewouldfeelreassuring,andithadn’t.AndthatwasevenbeforeIsaid,“HowworriedshouldIbe?”and,alittleimpatiently,thoughmaybehewasjusttired,Dr.Fischersaid,“He’sinhiseighties.Itwouldbehighlyirresponsibleformetomakeanypromises.”
—
Thenextfewdayswereablur,asortofinverseofthefunbluraftermyarrivalatNoah’shouse.ThewaythepulseoximeterworkedwasthatIaffixedittoJerry’spointerfingerandconfirmedthatthenumbershowingtheoxygenlevelinhisbloodwasabove90;ifitwasn’t,hewassupposedtogotothehospital.
AtTarget,inadditiontobuyingthepulseoximeter,ajumbopackoftissueboxes,andseveraljugsofGatorade,Noahhadboughtaso-calledbedsidecommode(itwasgraywitharmreststhatmadeitgrimlythrone-like);aso-calledbedsideurinal(asideways-slantingplasticthermoswithaglow-in-the-darkcap);andamedicalshowerchair(alotlikearegularplastic-and-aluminumchairexceptwithawiderseatandsuctioncupsonthebottomsofthelegs).AtsomepointonthatendlesslylongfirstdaybackinKansasCity,afterJerryateaquarterofascrambledeggI’dmade,NoahandItogethergothimintotheshower,and,whileNoahworeamask,runningshorts,andnothingelseandJerryworenothingatall,NoahbathedhimandIchangedhisbedding.AsIdid,IplayedtheIndigoGirlsonmyphoneatalowvolume,sothatIcoulddistractmyselfandhavecompanyatthesametimethatIcouldhearNoahandJerryintheshowerandhelpiftheyneededme.
WhenJerrywasresettledinfreshsheets,Iwentoutside,crossedthefrontyard,andrangtheLarsenfamily’sdoorbell.Then,soasnottobestandingoverlyclosewhenthedooropened,Iturnedanddescendedthethreestepsbacktothewalkway.BothCharlotteandherhusband,Keith,cameoutside,andIthankedthemprofuselyforlettingSugarstaywiththemfortheday.Theysaidithadbeenthehighlightofthepandemicfortheirdaughters.KeithwenttogetSugarwhileCharlotteaskedhowJerrywasdoing,andwhenSugarboundedouttome,seeinghermournfuleyesandwaggingtail—itwastwo-thirdsblackandone-thirdwhite,attheend—almostmademeweep.Instead,IliftedSugarintomyarmsandthankedthemagain.
“Letusknowifyouneedanything,”Keithsaid,andIturnedbacktowardJerry’shouse.
“Sally,sorryifthisisaweirdquestion,”Charlottesaidthen,andIpaused,andKeithsaid,“Notnow,Char,”andCharlottesaid,“ButareyoudatingNoahBrewster?”
“Oh.”Ihesitated.
Charlottewasinhermidthirtiesandworkedasabuyerforanelectronicgoodscompany,anditwastheLarsens’olderdaughter,Stella,whowaseleven,whothoughtshe’dcausedthepandemicbytellinghermothershetraveledtoomuch.“I’mnotsure,”Isaid.
“It’sjustthathe’smyfavoritefavoritesinger.Forreal,sinceIwasateenager.”
“Oh,wow,”Isaid.ItseemedsafetoassumethatrevealingNoahwasinsideJerry’shouse,abouttwentyfeetaway,wouldcomplicateratherthansimplifymatters.
“Iknowyoumeetlotsoffamouspeoplewithyourjob,butthosepictures—wasthatreallyyou?”
“Charlotte,lethergo,”Keithsaid.
“IdoknowNoah,”Isaid.“Haveagoodnight!”
WhenweenteredJerry’sbedroom,Sugarleaptontohisbedandlickedhisface,whichseemedmaybemedicallyinadvisable.Butthen,hisvoiceweak,Jerrysaid,“There’smygoodgirl.”
—
Thatnight,whenItoldNoahthatIwasgoingtosleeponthefloorinJerry’sroom,hesaid,“Withamaskon?Won’tyousleepterribly?”
“Presumably,”Isaid,andwenttofindanancientsleepingbaginthebasement.Noahsleptinmybedwiththewickerheadboard.
Onthesecondafternoon,someonefromDr.Fischer’sofficecalledtosaythatJerry’sCovidtestwaspositive,andofferedmetheopportunitytospeakwithDr.Fischerafterhefinishedseeingpatients,butinsteadIcalledmypediatriciancollegeroommate,Denise.AlthoughtheadviceDenisegaveechoedDr.Fischer’srecommendations,Ihadlearnedmylesson,andinsteadofaskinghowworriedIshouldbe,Isaid,“It’scompletelyplausiblethathe’llrecover,right?”
Immediately,shesaid,“Oh,sure.”
Thesecondnight,IsleptagainonthefloorofJerry’sroomandonthethirdnight,IsleptinmyoldbedwithNoah.IncontrasttoinCalifornia,ourphysicalcontactwasminimalandchaste.
Duringthistime,Jerrycontinuedtohaveafever,toreportasorethroat,andtomostlysleepandstillseemexhaustedwhenhewoke,but,withourencouragement,heatesmallamountsofbananasandapplesauceandchickenbrothandtoast.Hedidn’tseemtohavelosthissenseoftasteorsmell,hedidn’tvomit,and,oncewegottherhythmsofthebedsideurinalandcommodeestablished,henolongerwenttothebathroominthebed.Iwasusuallytheonewhoemptiedthebedsideurinal,whichheusedsoloafterI’dhelpedhimsitup,andNoahwasusuallytheonewhohelpedhimontothecommode.
Asthedayspassed,NoahandIincreasinglytookturnsdoingthingsotherthantakingcareofJerry.Ibinge-watchedafantasydramafullofdragonsandgore,andNoahworkedoutinthebackyard,apparentlywhilefacetimingwithBobby,andhewentforrunsintheneighborhood.Ononeofhisalmost-dailyoutingstoTarget,hepurchasedalegalnotepadandaguitarthatI’dfindhimplayingonthedeck,whileintermittentlypausingtomakenotesonthepages,asSugarsunbathedathisfeet.“KansasCityisreallycreativelyinspiring,huh?”IsaidthefirsttimeIcameuponthisscenario,whichwasonourfifthdayatJerry’shouse.“KindoflikeParisinthe1930s.”I’djustcarriedasoupbowlfromJerry’sbedroomtothekitchensink,seenNoahoutthewindow,andslidopentheglassandscreendoors.
Noahsmiled.“KansasCitydidproduceyou.”
Isteppedontothedeck,andSugarimmediatelyrolledintobellyrubposition.Noahwassittinginafoldinglawnchairwithgraywebbing,wearingabaseballcapandsunglassesthatheremoved.Itwaseleveninthemorningandeightydegrees,whichbyMidwestsummerstandardswasn’tbad.
“Mymomdiedofstomachcancersoitwas,youknow,verymessy,”IsaidasIcrouchedtopetSugar.“I’vebeenthroughavariationofthis.ButsometimesIstillcan’tbelievehowundignifiedandsadlifeis.”
“Iknowwhatyoumean,”hesaid,“butI’msureitmakesahugedifferencetoJerrythatyou’rehere.”Webothwerequiet,andthewhiskingandtappingofanearbysprinklerbecamenoticeable.“IwishIcouldmakethiseasierforyou,”Noahadded.
“Youhave,”Isaid.“Inaboutamillionways.Haveyoueverbeenaroundasuper-sickpersonbefore?”
“Therewasaproducer,thisbelovedguynamedBillyRodriguez,whodiedin2010ofglioblastoma.I’dworkedwithhimonallmyalbumsexceptone.Iwasn’tdirectlycleaningupafterhim,sotospeak,butIsawhimabunchoftimesinthehospitalandonceinhospiceandyeah—it’srough.”
“IfyouwanttogobacktoL.A.,Ihopeyouknowit’sokay.Idon’twantyoutofeeltrappedhere.”
“DoyouwantmetogobacktoL.A.?”
“No.”
Again,wewerequiet,andSugarwaggedhertailagainstthedeckandthesprinklerwenttck,tck,tck.Wasitmyimagination,orwasthereaheadandapairofshouldersintheLarsens’second-floorbathroomwindow,afigurewatchingus?WhichwasaslikelytobeCharlotteasoneofherdaughters.
“Idon’twanttogobacktoL.A.,”Noahsaid.“Idoeventually.Butnotnow.”
—
Thatafternoon,courtesyofVivandHenrietta,anenormousboxarrivedfromagourmetgrocerystoreinNewYork:driedfruitandfancycoffeeandcheeseswrappedingelpacksandmanykindsofcrackersandcookies.Iwasmoved,andalmostcertainNoahwouldeatnoneofit.Thatnight,hemadeuspan-searedsalmonfordinner,andaswewerecleaningupinthekitchen,Isaid,“SoIhaveaquestion.”
Noahraisedhiseyebrows.
“Doyoustillwanttobemyboyfriend—orwhatever—nowthatyou’vegivenmystepdadashower?”
Helaughed.“I’dlovetobeyourboyfriendorwhatever.Idohaveacondition,though.”
Nervousnesssurgedthroughme.
“Ifsomethingupsetsyou,”hesaid,“it’sfineifyouneedtopausetheconversationorgointheotherroom,butIdon’twantyoutobloweverythingup,becauseit’stoostressfultolivelikethat.”
“Bloweverythingupmeaningwhat?”
“Meaningcheckintoahotel.Orthrowabombaboutmedatingmodelssowedon’ttalkfortwoyears.”
Iswallowed.“Ithinkthat’sfair,”Isaid.“Doyouknowthemovietermlampshading?”
“Idon’t.”
“It’swhensomethingintheplotorthelogicofafilmdoesn’tquitemakesenseandthescreenplayhasthecharactersacknowledgeitwithoutresolvingit.It’satricktoreassuretheaudiencethatyou’renottryingtotrickthem.”
“Okay.”Helookedpuzzled.
“Iwantustostaytogether,”Isaid.“Iwanttobeyourgirlfriend.AndIknowthatifIam,yourprofessionalidentitywillovershadowmyprofessionalidentityandInternettrollswillcriticizehowIlookandsaytheycan’tbelieveyou’rewithme.Icanworkonnotcaringaboutthosethingsornotpayingattentiontothem,butIcan’tkeepthemfromhappening.”
“Ifthishelps,IcanremindyouthatInternettrollsareInternettrolls.”
“I’mgoingtolampshadeitbecauseIdon’tknowhowtoresolveit.Butyou’reworththerisk.EvenIknowthatgivingupwouldbeahugemistake.”
“Oh,yeah?”Hewasgrinning.“Evenyou?”
“Thismightcomeoutwrong,butIhaven’tbeensureuntilnowifyouknowhowtobeanormalperson.Foracelebrity,you’reamazing.ButIdidn’tknowifyouknewhowtopickuptakeoutorlivewithoutassistantsorstayinacrappylittlehousewithwall-to-wallcarpet.AndIdon’tthinkyou’vebeentryingtoproveyourself,butifyouhad,it’sclearthatyou’reactuallyalotbetteratbeinganormalpersonthanIam.”
“I’malwaystryingtoprovemyselftoyou.”Hemadeawryface.“ButmaybeI’mluckythatyouunderestimatemesoit’snotthathard.”
“I’vebeenmeaningtoask—dopeoplerecognizeyouatTarget?”
“Idon’tthinkso.I’mamiddle-agedbalddudewearingabaseballcapandamask.”
“Ithinkit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforethemomnextdoorrealizesyou’rehere,ifshehasn’talready.Apparently,she’sasuperfan.”IpointedtowardthewindowfacingthesideoftheLarsens’house.
“Didshesaysomething?”Noahseemedunruffled.
“Thatshe’sasuperfan.”Irolledmyeyes.“She’saniceperson,andIdon’tthinkshe’llalertthemediaoranythinglikethat,butImighthavetodevelopsomeskillsforrunninginterferenceforyou.”
“Ifpeopleaskyouforstufffromme,youcanalwaysignorethemorelsereferthemtoLeahandletherhandleit.”
“Idon’tlongtobeyoursecretary,butyou’renotworriedthatI’dignoresomethingimportant?”
“Peopletendtobepersistentwhenit’simportant.Andtheyshouldn’tbereachingoutthroughyouanyway.Regardingtheneighbor—”
“Charlotte.”
“RegardingCharlotte,I’mhappytomeether.Ican’tbeallthingstoallpeople,butthefamilywhotookcareofSugar?I’mgladto.”
“That’sverynice,andIhopeyoudon’tcometoregretit.”I’dbeenwipingthekitchentable,andIsqueezedtheragoverthesink.“Anyway,”Isaid,“foraslongasIlive,I’llalwaysrememberthatyouwentandboughtJerryabedsidecommode.”
“Don’tforgettheshowerchair.”
“Andtheshowerchair.Andtheportableurinalwiththeglow-in-the-darkcap.”
“Thefunnything,”hesaid,“isthatwhenyouwerestayingatthathotelinSantaMonica,Iwasbrainstormingabouthowtowinyouback.Iwasthinkingabouthowinromanticcomedies,don’ttheyusuallyendwithoneofthepeoplehurryingtobereunitedwiththeotherandpubliclydeclaringtheirlove?Likeatapartyoranairport?Ididn’tknowIjusthadtobuyaurinalatTarget.”
“Thetermforthatisagrandgesture.”
“Iwaswonderingifyou’dlikeitorhateitifIcametoyourhoteland,well,serenadedyou.Infrontofotherpeople,Imean,likefromthesidewalk.”
“Goodquestion.IthinkmaybeI’daspiretohateitbutsecretlyloveit.”
“Whywoulditbebettertohateit?Becauseit’scheesy?”
“Well,”Isaid,“Ionceheardasmartpersonpointoutthatit’shardtodeterminewherethedividinglineisbetweencheesinessandacceptableemotionalextravagance.”
Hegrinnedagain.“Ididn’ttellyouatthetime,butIknowexactlywherethelineis.Whenit’shappeningtootherpeople,it’scheesy.Whenit’shappeningtoyou,it’swonderful.”
—
Igotintobedafewminutesafterhedidthatnight,wearingaT-shirtandunderwear,andimmediately,beforeI’dturnedoutthelight,hepulledmetowardhim,towardhiswarm,muscled,bread-and-forest-smellingchest—hewaswearingonlyboxerbriefs—anditwasajoytobeclosetohimagain,somuchofourskintouching.Whenhewasontopofme,Isetmyhandsoneithersideofhishead,mypalmsagainstthestubble,andsaid,“I’vebeenmeaningtosaythissinceIfirstgottoyourhouse,butyou’reactuallyevenbetterlookingwithyourheadshaved.”
Hesmiledalittle.“Actually?”hesaid.“AmI?”
“It’strue,though.Yourhairbefore—itwasokay,buttherewassomethingveryteenageheartthrobaboutit.Nowyoulooklikeanadultman.InthesamewaythatIthinkmeetinginourlatethirtiesmadeusmoreinterestingtoeachother,Ithinkyou’reevenmoreattractivenowthanyouweretwentyyearsago.”
Heavertedhiseyesforafewsecondsthenlookedbackatme.“Ihaveaconfession,”hesaid.“Isometimesworehairpiecesbefore.WhenIwashostingTNO,thatwasn’tallmyrealhair.”
“Well,TNOistheworldheadquartersofwigwearing,sowelcometotheclub.”Ifeltconsciousofnotwantingtoembarrasshimbutalsonotwantingtofeignastonishment—notwantingtolietohim,evenaboutsomethingsmall.
“Iwouldn’tsayIworeafull-onwig.Ijusthadsomehelp.”Heseemeduncharacteristicallyabashed.“Doyouthinkthat’scringey?”
Ishookmyhead.“I’mveryfamiliarwithpeopleinthepubliceyedoingstufflikethis.AndIdon’tjustmeanoncamera.Buttheexactwayyouarerightnow,inthismoment—youcouldn’tlookanybetter.”Ipaused.“Givenhowmuchhasbeenwrittenandsaidabouthowgoodyoulookforthelasttwodecades,doyoulikebeingtoldthatordoesitseemboring?”
Withhisfaceafewinchesfrommine,hesmiled.“DoIlikewhenthewomanIlovetellsmethatIlookgood?Yes,Sally.Ilikewhenyoutellmethat.”
—
Jerry’sprogresscouldbemeasuredbythedistanceheventuredfromhisbed:firsttousethetoiletinhisbathroom;twodayslater,downstairstothekitcheninhisseersuckerbathrobe;thedayafterthat,ontothedeck.Heannouncedhewantedahotdogforlunchoneday,andwhilethetwoofuswaitedinthekitchenforittoboil,hesaid,“Ihopethemalenurseisn’ttooexpensive.”
Isquinted.“DoyoumeanNoah?”
“Who’sNoah?”Jerryasked.
“Myfriend.Or,uh,myboyfriend?Theguystayinginourhouse.”
Jerrylookedequanimous,andnotallthatinterested,ashesaid,“IthoughthisnamewasDavid.”
—
IntheselfieVivsentHenriettaandmefromthehospital,shewaswearingabluemaskandagreenhospitalgown,hereyeswerewideopen,andshewasmakingapeacesign.
Contractions3minapartcervixdilatedto5cm,shewrote.
Then:GloriathedoulaismynewBFF
Then:Epiduralheavenly
OMG!!Itexted.Howareyoufeeling?
ThenHenrietta’sreplycamethroughanditwasapictureofLisa,who’dplannedahomebirth,recliningbare-breastedagainsttheinteriorwallofaninflatablepool,lookingblissedout,holdinganactualbaby—atiny,huge-cheeked,closed-eyed,nakedlittlecreature.
FromHenrietta:Amazingandalso…meetOliviaRose
FromViv:WTF?!!!
Viv:Meaningcongratulationsyouoverachievers
Viv:ButwhendidLisasqueezethatout?!?
Henrietta:8lbs1oz,born7:46A.M.thismorning
Henrietta:Mom,Mommy,andOliviaalloncloudnine
Henrietta:You’lldogreatViv
Me:HsohappyforyouandLisa!!
Me:Vivvyhopeyoucanfeelallthelovecomingtowardyou
Me:IknowTheoandGloriawilltakesuchgoodcareofyou
ThenHenriettatextedjustme:Don’twanttosaythistoVivbutLisa’slaborsomessyitwaslikeafoodfight
ThenVivtextedjustme:Don’ttellHenriettaIsaidthisbutisthereANYTHINGfoulerthangivingbirthinatub
Viv’sfirsttexthadarrivedalittleafter9a.m.centraltime.Sixhourslater,twotextsarrivedfromTheo:firstaphotoofababygazingoutwardwithbigbrowneyes,wearingawhitehat,andwrappedinastripedblanket.Andsecondamessage:CalebElijahElman,7pounds,4ounces.Caleb&Vivbothfantastic!
—
I’dinvitedCharlotteLarsenontoourdecktomeetNoah,andshecameoverafterdinner,radiatingjubilationandpanic,clearlydressedupinasleevelessfloweredblouse,whitejeans,andplatformmules.Whenshe’dclimbedthestepsfromtheyardontothedeck,Isaid,“Charlotte,thisisNoah,andNoah,thisisCharlotte,”andshesaid,“OhmyGod,Iloveyousomuch,Noah.”Thensheburstintotears.
Asshewipedhereyes,shesaid,“I’msosorry,but‘MakingLoveinJuly’—andalso‘ArlingtonDawn’—and‘Sober&Thirsty’—sorry,Ican’teventalk,butourfirstdanceatourweddingwasto‘MakingLoveinJuly.’MysisterandIknowallthewordstotheentirealbum.”
WhenNoahspoke,itwaswithacontained,professionalkindoffriendlinessIhadn’tseenevenduringtheweekhe’dhosted,aguardedwarmth.“Thankyou,”hesaidlightly.“Ireallyappreciatethat.”
“Butwhathappenedtoyourhair?”
Pleasantly,hesaid,“Itwastimeforachange.”
“WoulditbeokayifIgetapicture?”Charlotteasked.“Sallytoldmeaboutnotpostinganything,butjusttoshowmysister.Shewon’tbelieveitunlessIhaveproof.”
AsCharlottepassedmeherphone,andCharlotteandNoahpositionedthemselvessidebyside—“I’dputmyarmaroundyouifnotforthepandemic,”hesaid,whilemaintainingafewfeetofspacebetweenthem—IthoughtonceagainofanotherTNOwritertellingmeyearsbeforethatnonfamouspeoplewantedtheirinteractionswithfamouspeopletoendasquicklyaspossiblesotheycouldgotelltheirothernonfamousfriendsaboutthem.Andindeed,Charlottewaswithintenminuteswalkingbacktowardherownhouse.
IwhisperedtoNoah,“FiftybuckssheputsthatpictureonFacebooklatertonight.”
Hewhisperedback,“Whatwillbewillbe.”
Charlottedisappearedfromview,andIsaid,“Seriously,you’reverygoodatthat.”
“I’vehadpractice,”hereplied.
—
IsatatmywickerdesktowritetheemailtoNigel.Twodaysbefore,Ihadspokenatlengthtomyagent,andmyagenthadthenrelayedtheparticularsofourconversationtotherelevantpeopleatTNO,whichmeantthatreachingouttoNigelwasanactofdecorumonmypartratherthanadisclosureofinformation.IfI’dhadmorefaithinmyabilitytoexpressmyselfinspeech,I’dhavecalledhim,butofcoursethethingthathadpropelledmetoTNOinthefirstplacewasmyfaithinmyabilitytowrite.
DearNigel,Itypedonmylaptop,
IwillneverbeabletoadequatelythankyouforgivingmetheopportunitytobeawriteratTNO.WhenIthinkofthebest,happiest,andfunniestmomentsofmylife,anextremelyhighproportionofthemtookplaceinsidetheTNOstudioorupontheseventeenthfloor.I’veheardyousaymorethanoncethatTNOisn’taplaceforlonewolvesorperfectionists,butitwasanidealplaceformebecauseithelpedmebemuchlessofalonewolfandmuchlessofaperfectionist.Youhavecreatedasingularcomediccommunity,andI’llforeverbeamazedthatIwaspartofit.
Allmybest,
Sally
Nigel’sreplyarrivedtenminuteslater.
Sally,apparently“lonewolf”issomethingofamisnomer.Awolfwhostrikesoutonherowntendstodosoonlytemporarily,whenmovingontothenextstage,beforefindinganewpack.Asforperfectionism,thoseofuswhohavespenttimeinsidetheTNOstudioknowthatsomethingsoevanescentandsillycomesaboutonlythroughprodigiouslyhardwork.Don’thesitatetobeintouch.N
—
WeendedupstayinginKansasCityforsixteendays.Jerry’sfeverhadbrokenafterfive,and,veryslowly,hecontinuedtoregainenergy.Bythetimewedecideditwasokaytoleave,hewasn’tthesameasbefore,buthewasfarbetterthanhe’dbeenwhenNoahandIhadshownup.HissisterDonnapromisedmethatshe’dcheckonhimeveryday.
Forafarewelldinner,wegrilledshrimpoutonthedeckthenightbeforeourdeparture.TheLarsenswerealsoontheirdeck,andChloe,whowasthenine-year-old,asked,“DoyouthinkSugarknowsshe’sadog?”BeforeIcouldrespond,Stella,whowastheeleven-year-old,eyedtheGreeksaladNoahhadmadeandsaid,“Idon’tlikecucumberbecausethebestpartofacucumbertastesliketheworstpartofawatermelon.”
NoahandIlookedateachother,andIsaid,“Ican’tdisagree.”
TosurpriseJerry,I’dbakedpupcakesfordessert—I’dfoundarecipethatwasindeededibleforbothhumansanddogs,withflourandpeanutbutterasthemainingredients—butafterwefinisheddinner,Noahsaid,“Beforeyoubringouttheyou-know-whats,there’ssomethingIwanttodo.I’llberightback.”
Whenhereemergedfromthehouse,hewascarryingaguitar—nottheTargetonehe’dmadedowithforafewdaysbutoneofhisfanciermodelsthatLeahhadsentfromCalifornia,alongwithsomeclothes,afterithadbecomeclearwe’dbestayingawhile—andIheardCharlotteLarsengasp.Aroundhisneck,Noahworeametalcontraptionthatatfirstglancelookedlikeanintenseformoforthodontiabutinfactwasaharmonicainaholder.Hewalkedtotheeasternsideofthedeckandstoodwiththerailingbehindhim.NoahglancedatJerryandme,thenattheLarsens,thenbackatme,andsaid,“Iwanttodedicateasongtoyou,Sally.”
Addressingthefiveotherpeopleandonedog,hesaid,“SallyandImetacoupleyearsago,butit’sonlyrecentlythatwe’vereconnected.Ifeelverygrateful.AndsincethewayIexpressmyfeelingsisthroughmusic,Iwanttosingalittlesomethingtonight.Thankyouallforhumoringme.”Lookingatme,hesaid,“So,SallyMilz,thisgoesouttoyou.”
NexttoJerry,sittingatthetablewherewe’djusteaten,Iexperiencedasortofinternallurching.HadNoahwrittenasongforme?WashecallingmybluffafterI’dsaidthatmaybeI’dlikesuchathing?CouldIhandlethisinfrontofJerryandtheLarsens?Inadifferentway,couldCharlotteLarsenhandlethis?
ThenNoahglanceddownandbeganstrumming.Iknewrightaway,justfromthefirstfewchords,evenbeforehelookedatmeandsang,“Iheardthatyouweredrunkandmean/DownattheDairyQueen…”
Ididn’tneedtofake-smile;Ididn’tneedtomakeanefforttoexpressmydelightorconcealmydistress.Itwasbetterthanifhe’dwrittenasongforme,thoughperhaps,asIrealizedhehadn’t,Ididsortofhopehewouldinthefuture?Italsowasbetterthanifhe’dsungsomehappily-ever-afterballad.TherewasnothingaboutNoahBrewsterstandingonJerry’sdecksinging“DairyQueen”thatIdidn’tlove.
Hesang,“Ain’titfunnyhowweloseoneday/Andalifetimeslipsaway,”andinthethirdverse,afterthelines“Itwasgoodforatime/Iamtold,”hepressedhislipsagainsttheharmonicaandclosedhiseyesastheinstrument’smagnificentlynasal,twangysoundfilledtheairandCharlotteLarsenwhoopedandclapped.
Theoddpartwasthat,althoughIhadlistenedtothesonghundredsoftimes,andseentheIndigoGirlsperformit,IhadalwaysfocusedonwhatIthoughtofasthespectacularlydevastatinglinesaboutarelationshipthathadn’tlasted.I’dhardlynoticedthatthesongendedwiththelines“Hey,Iloveyoumoreandmore/Oh,Iloveyoumoreandmore”—withthoselinesinthepresenttense.WatchingNoahashesangthem,ashewatchedme—hiseyeswereopenagain—IwonderedifI’dalwaysunderstoodthesongalittlewrong,orpossiblyifI’dalwaysunderstoodlifealittlewrong.Wonderingthiswasnotabadthing;itwasabeautiful,unexpectedrelief.
Hebenthisheadoncemoretoblowontheharmonicawhilerapidlystrummingtheguitarstringsthensloweddown,endingwithalastelongatedflourish.Liftinghishead,hesaid,“Sally,Idoloveyoumoreandmore.Andthisismetalking—Noah—nottheIndigoGirls,thoughIbettheIndigoGirlswouldloveyou,too,iftheyknewyou.”
Becausetherewereonlysixofus,Ican’tsaytheapplausewasdeafening.ButitwascertainlyenthusiasticasIstood,walkedtowardNoah,andkissedhim.Iwhisperedintohisear,“Thatwasaperfectgrandgesture.”
Anhourlater,asIwaspullingoutofthedrivewaytopickupafewlastthingsfromthegrocerystoreforJerrybeforeweleftthenextmorning,theneighborontheothersideofthehousewavedatmetostop.WhenIrolleddownthewindow,shesaid,“IsJerrylearningtoplayguitar?Becausehesoundswonderful.”EPILOGUE
April2023BecauseTNOairslive,itcomesonat8:30p.m.ontheWestCoast,aroundthetimeNoahandIarefinishingdinnerduringanightathome.ThefirsttimewewatchedittogetherafterIlefttheshow,Ifelttenseandterritorial,andIwasprettysureIcouldguesswho’dwrittenwhichsketches,andIhadstrongopinionsabouthowtheycouldhavebeenimproved.Vivwasstillonmaternityleaveforthe2020seasonpremiere,butHenriettawasback,andIwantedtotextbothofthemrightaftertheceremonialgoodnightsandalsowantedtoleavethemalone—toletVivsleep,orbreastfeed,orwhateverelseshewasdoing,andtoletHenriettaheadtotheafter-partyandnotfeelherphonevibrating.IsupposeIwastryingtoprotectmyselffromfeelingignored.Myheartswelledwhen,asthecreditswerestillrolling,atextarrivedfromVivtoHenriettaandme:Imissyoubitches
Simultaneously,HenriettaandIreplied,Same!
Astheweeksandmonthspassed,myfeelingsoftension,territoriality,andhomesicknesswhilewatchingdissipated.Ican’tclaimtobeimpartialthesedays,buttheimpulsetocritiquehasmostlybeenreplacedbyamorerelaxednostalgia.Danny,whonowsharesanofficewithhisNewsDeskco-writer,Roy,sometimestextsmethreateningtowriteasketchcalledTheSallyMilzRule.
Inthesummerof2021,Noahreturnedtotouringinamodifiedway,andI’vegonewithhimforsomeshows,includingwhenheperformedinKansasCityandalsoinD.C.,whereImethisparents.Hehaddescribedthemaccurately—palpablyaffluent,notespeciallynice—thoughthegoodnewswasthathehadalsodescribedhissisteraccurately,andVickyandIhavebecomeclose.ButusuallywhenNoahtravels,IstayputinTopanga.
ThefirstfeatureforwhichIwrotethescriptisnowinpreproductionandscheduledtobefilmedinL.A.inthesummer.Itisn’t,afterallmytalk,aromanticcomedy.Instead,it’sabuddymoviestarringVivandHenriettaastheex-wivesoftwoSiliconValleybillionaires.Thoughtheircharacterswerebothheavilyinvolvedwiththefoundingofthestart-upthatmadetheirex-husbandsrich,they’vereceivedlittlemoneyorcredit,andtheyteamuptocorrecttherecordandseekjustice.TheworkingtitleisTechSis,thoughalreadyI’vehadseveralmulti-hourdiscussionswiththestudioexecutivesaboutwhytheythink,andwhyIdon’tagree,thatitshouldbeTechSisters,orevenmorepreposterously,TechSises.Nigelisoneoftheproducers.
AfterNoahandIleftKansasCityin2020,Ireturnedtwoweekslater(onDeltaAirLines,notaprivatejet)tocheckonJerry.ThatNovember,IflewagaintoKansasCity(onaprivatejet,notDeltaAirLines)and,asplanned,JerryandSugarflewbackwithmetoLosAngelesforThanksgivingandstayeduntilMarch,settingupcampinthepoolhouse.Thiswasapatternwerepeatedin2021,andin2022,theycameandjuststayed.Whichistosaythatwhetheryouconsiderbeaglestobesmallormedium-sized,that’sthekindofdogthatNoahnowliveswith.Sometimesinthelateafternoon,JerryandIdochairyogabythepool,thoughwealsoregularlydowateraerobics.ItturnsoutCaliforniaagreeswithhim.
InJuly2021,NoahandIgotmarried.OnaFridaymorning,wewenttogethertogetthelicense,whichcosteighty-fivedollars,andIprovidedthedateofthedissolutionofmypreviousmarriage.Thoughthereare,Ilearned,paparazzithatlurkatvariousL.A.courthouseshopingtocatchhigh-profilepeopleonthisveryerrand,thereisalsosuchathingasaconfidentialmarriagelicenseinCalifornia—it’snotdesignedtoaccommodatecelebritiesbutrathertheconvenientresultofalawfromthe1800smeanttoallowalready-cohabitingcouplestomarrywithoutpublicshame.Thiswasthekindoflicenseweobtained,thenwedroveimmediatelytoahotelinMontecito,wherewe’drentedaprivatevillaoverlookingthecoast.Onthevilla’slawn,thehotel’sgeneralmanagerofficiatedataceremonywithnootherwitnesses.
Idon’tknowifthisistheweddingNoahandIwouldhavehadifnotforCovid,butofcourseIdon’tknowifwe’dhavehadanyweddingifnotforCovid;Idon’tknowifwe’dhavefoundeachotheragain.AndIrealizeit’snottheweddingmostpeoplewouldwant,butIfoundadeepbeautyinitsirreducibility.Wespentthatweekendorderingroomservice,marvelingatournewcircumstances,and,well,makingloveinJuly.ThatMonday,wereturnedtoTopangaandcalledourfamilyandfriendstotellthem.OnTuesday,Noah’spublicistreleasedastatementannouncingourmarriageandsuggestingthatanyonewhowantedtohelpuscelebratecoulddosobymakingadonationtoanonprofitworkingtoelectDemocraticwomen.“Weneedtooffsetmyreentryintotheultimateheteropatriarchalinstitution,”I’dsaid,andhe’dlaughedandreplied,“Asnewlywedwivesoftentelltheirhusbands.”That,amonglotsofmyformercolleagues,bothAutumnandElliotcontributedstruckmeasunnecessarilymagnanimousofthem.
TheInternethadopinionsaboutNoahmarryingme,andthoughI’veinferredthatsomepeoplesawitasatragedyforhimwhileothersconsidereditavictoryforfeminismand/ormousy-lookingstraightwomeneverywhere(twoentitiesthatarenot,infact,interchangeable),I’vemanagedtoavoidreadingthevastmajorityofthecomments.
Bythetimewegotmarried,NoahandIwereboth,witheffort,inthehabitofleavingourphonesinadrawerinthekitchenovernight.WhenIawakeninthemorning,Isometimesgotothatotherfarbathroomevennow,butIalwaysreturn.NoahisusuallyasleepwhenIdo,andhisunguardedfaceisstartlinglyhandsome;thetruthisthatIstillcan’tbelieveahot,smart,kindmanlovesmeback.OftenwhenIclimbintobed,hereachesforme,openinghiseyesashedoes,smilingbecausehe’sgladtoseeme.Thereare,presumably,textsandtweetsandnewsarticlesI’mmissing,butinthesemomentsnoneseemallthaturgent.ForbelovedandfunnyCACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Forfacts,anecdotes,andanalysis,I’mindebtedtomanysources.TheseincludethebooksLiveFromNewYork:TheComplete,UncensoredHistoryofSaturdayNightLiveasToldbyItsStars,Writers,andGuests,editedbyJamesAndrewMillerandTomShales;AVeryPunchableFacebyColinJost;GaspingforAirtime:TwoYearsintheTrenchesofSaturdayNightLivebyJayMohr;BossypantsbyTinaFey;YesPleasebyAmyPoehler;GirlWalksintoaBar…:ComedyCalamities,DatingDisasters,andaMidlifeMiraclebyRachelDratch;IAmtheNewBlackbyTracyMorganwithAnthonyBozza;Hello,Molly!byMollyShannonwithSeanWilsey;andTheBedwetter:StoriesofCourage,Redemption,andPeebySarahSilverman.IalsobenefitedfromreadingtheNewYorkTimesarticle“LivesoftheAfter-Party”byPaulBrownfield;theNewYorkarticle“ComedyIsn’tFunny”byChrisSmith;andtheNewYorkerarticle“LeslieJones:AlwaysFunny,FinallyFamous”byAndrewMarantz.IlistenedtothepodcastsWTFwithMarcMaron;MikeBirbiglia’sWorkingItOut;ConanO’BrienNeedsaFriend;andFlyontheWallwithDanaCarveyandDavidSpade.AndIwatchedthedocumentarySaturdayNight,directedbyJamesFranco,aswellasSaturdayNightLive’sYouTubechannelandits“CreatingSaturdayNightLive”videos.Finally,thoughIhopethisisalreadyclear,IwasinspiredbyalmostfivedecadesofepisodesofSaturdayNightLiveandamgratefultotheircreators,producers,writers,castmembers,hosts,andcrew.
Articlesonothertopicsthathelpedguidemywritinginclude“I’mNotReadytoPerform”byWillButlerand“TheDaytheLiveConcertReturns”byDaveGrohl,bothinTheAtlantic;and“WhyAmerica’sBlackMothersandBabiesAreinaLife-or-DeathCrisis”byLindaVillarosainTheNewYorkTimes.
I’mincrediblyluckytoworkwithpeopleinpublishingwhoareverysmartandverykind.Amongthemaremyeditor,JenniferHershey;myagent,ClaudiaBallard;andmypublicist,MariaBraeckel.AlsoatRandomHouse,IamsupportedbyGinaCentrello,AndyWard,SusanCorcoran,RachelRokicki,WindyDorresteyn,MadisonDettlinger,JordanPace,WendyWong,MarniFolkman,PaoloPepe,CassieGonzales,RobbinSchiff,KellyChian,TheresaZoro,LeighMarchant,BenjaminDreyer,andElizabethEno.AtWME,IamsupportedbyAnnaDeRoy,TracyFisher,SuzanneGluck,FionaBaird,OmaNaraine,andStephanieShipman.AndoveratTransworld,IamextremelythankfulforJaneLawson,LarryFinlay,PatsyIrwin,VickyPalmer,andRichardOgle.
Myfirstreaderforthisbookwasmybrother,P.G.Sittenfeld,whosewitandintelligencemadewritingmorefunandwhosestrength,optimism,andbigheartmakehimmyrolemodel.OtherearlyreaderswereEllenBattistelli,TiernanSittenfeld,MattCarlson,EssieChambers,Dessa,JuliusRamsay,LewisRobinson,AminatouSow,ErinWhite,BryanMiller,andRebeccaHollander-Blumoff.IespeciallyappreciatednuancedinsightsfromEssieChambersandDessa.CelesteBallardandClaireMulaneyshowedmegreatgenerosityandpatience.IamsogladtobepartofalargercommunityofwriterswhoincludeSusannaDaniel,EmilyJeanneMiller,SheenaMJCook,CammieMcGovern,SugiGaneshananthan,SallyFranson,LesleyNnekaArimah,WillMcGrath,FrankBures,JenniferWeiner,ElinHilderbrand,SarahDessen,andJodiPicoult.StephanieParkZwickerwillforeverbemyIndigoGirlsauthority;KariForde-ThielenisafriendtobeaglesandCurtises.Andmyfamilymembers,bothhumanandcanine,arejustsuchadelighttositonthecouchandwatchTVwith.Thankyouall.BYCURTISSITTENFELD
RomanticComedy
Rodham
YouThinkIt,I’llSayIt
Eligible
Sisterland
AmericanWife
TheManofMyDreams
PrepABOUTTHEAUTHOR
CurtisSittenfeld’sNewYorkTimesbestsellingbookshavebeentranslatedintothirtylanguagesandincludethenovelsPrep,AmericanWife,Eligible,andRodham,andthestorycollectionYouThinkIt,I’llSayIt.Sittenfeld’sstorieshaveappearedinTheNewYorker,TheAtlantic,andTheBestAmericanShortStories,ofwhichshewasthe2020guesteditor.SheliveswithherfamilyinMinneapolis
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