So Not Meant To Be-Amazon Kindle

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Copyright2022
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Tobethefirsttofindoutaboutwhenallofmyupcomingbooksgolive,clickhere.Anddon’tforgettoaddmybookstoyourTBR!Contents
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Epilogue
Excerpt–ThePerfectCatch
MoreBooksbyMeghanPrologue
KELSEY
“Kelsey,it’saknownfactmenandwomencan’thaveaworkingrelationshipandbefriendsatthesametime.”
JPCaneleansagainsttheedgeoftheconferenceroomtable,tattooedarmscrossedathisannoyinglybrawnychest,sleevesofhisdressshirtfoldeduptohiselbows,andsportingasmirkthatismoreinfuriatingthancharming.
“Whatonearthareyoutalkingabout?”IaskasIsithunchedoveramountainofdesignpapers.
Stillleaningagainstthetable,helowershishandscasuallyandgripstheedgeashesays,“Theothernight,whenwewerehavingdinnerwithHuxleyandLottie,yousaidwecouldbefriends.”
Lottieismyoldersister—bytwelvemonths—andmybestfriend.She’sengagedtotheincomparableHuxleyCane,ourbossandthebrotherofthebaneofmyexistencestandingbeforeme.
Howweallcametoknoweachotherisstillanextremelyfascinatingstoryofluck.Thequickanddirtyexplanation?Lottiewaslookingforarichhusbandtosavefacewithanarchenemy,Huxleywaslookingforafakefiancéeinordertosecureabusinessarrangement.Theybumpedintoeachotheronthesidewalk.Theyformedadealtohelpeachother,signedacontract,andshemovedintohismansion.It’sallPrettyWoman-esque,withoutthehookeraspect.Although…LottiehadahardtimestayingawayfromHuxley’salphaadvances.
Butwhileshewasplayingtheroleofthedoting,madly-in-lovefiancée,shewashelpingmewithmybusiness,SustainablyOrganized.That’showwewerehiredbyCaneEnterprisesandhowIfoundmyselfworkingcloselywithJPbecausehewastheoneassignedtomyprojects.
LikeIsaid,awhirlwind.Istillcan’tbelieveithappenedthisway.
“Doyouhavearebuttal?”JPasks,pullingmefrommythoughts.
Seeingthatthismeetingisgoingnowhere,Itossmypentothetableandstandtall.“Firstofall,weweren’thavingdinnertogetherwithHuxleyandLottie.Itwasn’tadoubledate—”
“Jesus,Iknow,”hesays,exasperated.“Youmadethatveryclearthreeandahalftimes.”Heuseshisfingerstotickofftheinstances.“Whenwerangthedoorbell,becausewehappenedtoarriveatthesametime.Whenwewereinthekitchen,bothreachingforthesamechampagne.Outsidebythepoolwhenwehappenedtogetleftatthetablealone.Andinthelivingroom,youweremidwaythroughtellingmeweweren’tonadoubledatewhenLottieinterruptedyoutoshowyouanew‘toy’shegot.”Hegrins,flashingthoseannoyinglystraightteethofhis.“Stillwaitingonthedetailsofthenewtoy.”
“Andsecondly…”Icontinue.NowayamItellinghimaboutthat…device,HuxleygotLottie.Nope.I’mblushingjustthinkingaboutit.“Whyonearthcan’twebefriends?”
“Isn’titobvious?”
Iglancearoundtheroom,tryingtoseeifI’vemissedanyclues,butIspotabsolutelynothing.Ilookbackathimandsay,“No.No,it’snotobvious.”
Heshakeshisheadandmovesaroundtheconferencetabletositonit,rightnexttome.“Because,Kelsey,there’sapalpableattractionbetweenus.”
IsnortsohardIspraysnotonthedesignplansinfrontofme.Casually,Iwipeawaythedropletswithmyhand.Anattraction?
Imean…sure,JPisaveryhandsomeman.Anobvioushandsome,ifyou’reintothesteepcutofhisjawlinethat’spepperedbyathick,darkbeard.Hissexy,tousledhaircurlseversoslightlyontopbutisfadedshortonthesides,andthehiddentattoosthatonlyappearwhenhe’scomfortablewithhispresentcompany.Yes,he’shandsome,sexy,Imighthavesaidatimeortwo.
Butthere’smoretoahumanbeingthanjustfindingthemphysicallyattractive,atleastforme.Formetoactuallyfindsomeoneattractive,theyneedtohaveagoodheart,adesirablepersonality,andbeabletomakemelaugh.
NotsureJPhasaheart,andhispersonalityreadslikethatofanattention-seekingmiddlechildwithanaptitudefornottakinganythingseriously.Hemighthaveagoodone-linerhereandthere,buthisoverallabilitytoprovoke,annoy,andirritatemewinsout.
HemusthaveoneofthemessiestofficesI’veeverseen,*whispers*whichisacompleteturnoffforadetail-orientedpersonlikeIam.Whocouldlookatsomeonesexuallywhenhisdeskisstackedinpapersandcoveredbycoffeecupsandpenswithmismatchedlids?
So,amIattractedtoJP?Thatwouldbeadefiniteno.
“Youreallythinkthere’sanattractionbetweenus?”Iask.
“Babe,Icansmellthesexualchemistry,andbecauseit’ssopalpable,sothick,so…musky—”
“Eww,it’snotmusky.”
WhatamIsaying?It’snotanything.There’snochemistry.Nothingispalpable,andthere’sabsolutelynothickness…none.
Norisanythingmusky.Whoevendescribesattractionasmusky?
Butheignoresmeandcontinueshisfar-fetcheddiatribe.“Wecan’tpossiblybeworkfriendsbecausetheattractionbetweenuswillalwaysandforeverputthethoughtofsexonthetable.”
ThistimeIholdbackmysnortandletsilencefilltheairforafewbreathsbeforeIclosethespacebetweenusuntilourfacesareonlyafewinchesapart.DespitehimbeingalmostafoottallerthanIam,IcanstilllookhimintheeyesasIask,“Areyoufeverish?Isthatwhat’shappening?You’vecomedownwithsomethingandthisishowyouact?”
“I’maspecimenofhealth.Youshouldknowthat.Youcheckmeoutenough.”
“Idonot.”
Idon’t.
Justneedtomakethatclear.Ireallydon’t.
Heguffaws,asoundsoannoyingthatmymolarsgrindtogether.“Whydoyouthinkmysleevesarerolleduprightnow?”
Iglancedownathisinkedforearms—okay,sure,thosearesexy,probablythebestthingabouttheman.That’sit,though,theforearms.Can’tblameagirlfordelightinginsomearmporn,right,ladies?
Heleansinclose.“BecauseIknowhowmuchtheyturnyouon.”
Ipressmyhandagainsthisface,stoppingwhateverhe’sattemptingtodo.“Doyouunderstandhowmassivelyinappropriatethisis?I’myouremployee.”
“Technically,you’reHuxley’semployee,I’mjusttheoverseerofthings.”
“Isthattheprofessionalterm?”
Heflashesthatirritatinggrinofhis.“Itis.”HewetshislipsbutIkeepmyeyestrainedonhiseyes.There’snowayI’llgivehimthesatisfactionofglancingathismouth.“Notsurewhyyou’regettingallflusteredandredintheface.”
“I’mnotflustered.”Istraightenmyarmsatmysides.
“I’mtryingtobeanhonestdo-gooderrightnow,attemptingtoeducateyouonwhywecan’tbefriends.Ishouldbepraised,notdisparagedwithyoursneer.”BeforeIcanrespond,hekeepsmovingforwardwithhisso-calleddo-gooder’seducation.“Amanandawomanwhofindeachotherattractiveandwhoworktogetherwillneverbeabletobefriends.Therewillalwaysbeagiantelephantintheroom,andthatelephant’snameisSex.It’sbasichumanmath,Kelsey.Weallneedtoclimax,andwhenwefindsomeonewho’sattractive,wewantthatpersontohelpusclimax.”
Isanyoneelsehearingthis?
God,hecouldnotcheapentheactofmakingloveanymore.IsitanegoboostJPthinksI’mattractive?Yep.Butwhere’stheromancethesedays?
Where’sthewooing?
Where’sthespontaneity?
EvenLottieandHuxleywilladmittherewasnothingromanticabouthowtheirrelationshipstarted.Itallseemssoclinicalthesedays.
Asatrueromanticwholoveseverythingaboutlove,Ican’thelpwonderingifthere’samanouttherewhochecksalltheboxesoftheperfectromcomhero.
Noooo,nowwehavetodealwithcatfishing,followedbyanunsoliciteddickpic,andthenfinalizedbyasolidghosting.
I’msosickofit.
Handsonmyhips,Iturntowardhimandask,“Whatthehellhappenedtomakeyoulikethis?Iaskedyouwhatyouthoughtaboutbamboofilingcabinetsanditturnedintothisargumentaboutwhywecan’tbefriends.Idon’tseehowthisconversationisrelevanttomyquestion.”
“It’srelevant,”hesays,slidingincloser,hisshoenowpressingagainstmyheel,“becausewhenyourhungryeyesaredevouringmefromacrosstheconferencetablebutyourattitudeisattemptingtoputmeinthefriendzone,I’mgoingtocallyououtonit.Yousaidyouwanttobefriends,butthat’snotgoingtohappen.”
Adelusion,that’swhathe’sexperiencing.Andsomeoneneedstoputhiminhisplace.
Ipressmyfingertohischestandsay,“Trustme,JP,ifIfoundyoutheleastbitattractive,you’dknowit.Whatyou’rebelievingarehungryeyesforyou,isaravenouswomanwhohadonewaffleslatheredinpeanutbutteratsixthismorning.Hungerhallucinationhassetin,andyourmeagerbody—”
“Meager?Pfft.”
“—hasmorphedintoagiantmeatballsubinmymind,nothingmore.Convinceyourselfallyouwantaboutwhatyouassumeismyattractiontowardyou,butfrommymouthtoyourheadstrongears,Icouldn’tfindyouanymorerevolting.”
Hisbrowsshootupinsurprise.Honestly,I’mslightlysurprisedmyself.Revoltingisn’ttherightword,butI’monaroll.
“AndifIhadanyromanticinklingtowardyou,Iwouldn’tbewearingthissimple,almosthomelyblousethatdoesnothingtoshowoffmyperfect,bouncybreasts.”
Hewetshislipsasheglancesdownbrieflyatmychestandthenbackup.
“AndIwouldn’tbewearingunderwear,either,ontheoffchancethatyoupulledmeontopofthisconferencetableandspreadmylegsforasmalltaste.”
HisAdam’sapplebobs.
“AndIsureashellwouldn’tbementallypleadingforthisconversationtoendsoIcanpackupandretreattomystudioapartmenttoeatdinnerpeacefullyalonewithoutanimperiousimbecilelikeyourselfchirpinginmyearaboutworkrelationships.Because,JP,ifIwantedyou,Iwouldwanttosteal,consume,andsavoreverysecondIhadwithyou.”
HereachesouttomejustasItwistawaytogathermypapers.“Butthat’snotthecasehere.”Ismileathim.“Ican’tgetawayfromyoufastenough.”Iamwoman!Hearmeroar!
Hisnostrilsflare.
Hisjawticks.
Andhestuffshishandsinhisdresspantpocketswheretheybelong.
“Nowthatwe’veclearedthatup,I’llleavesincewe’regettingnothingdonehereandameatballsubiscallingmyname.I’mgoingtoassumeyouapproveofthebamboofilingcabinets.”Icollectthepaperstogetherandthentapthemonthetable,eveningthemintoonesolidstack.
“Westillcan’tbefriends,”hesays,hisvoicestrangled.
God,ishestillonthat?Let’saddmentalabilityofagnattohislistofincompatiblequalities.
“Good.WhenIsaidthattheothernight,Iwasjustattemptingtobekind,youknow,sinceyourcompanyhiredmine,butnowthatourfeelingsareoutintheopen,wecanliveourliveswithoutthisfake,bullshitfriendship.”Igentlyplacemypapersinmyfolderandtheninmybagalongwithmypens,keepingthemcolor-coded,ofcourse.“Now,ifyoudon’tmind,Ihaveanappointmenttostuffmymouthfullofmeat.”
Imovepasthim,myshoulderbumpingagainsthis,butheplaceshishandonmyhip,pausingmyretreat.Histouchisbarelyabliponmybodice,butIshiverreluctantly.Ourshouldersmeet,sidebyside,andwhenIlookforward,avoidingeyecontactwithhim,heleansinandwhispersintomyear,hislipsinchesaway.
“Theonlybullshitthingbetweenusisthatspielyoujustlaidout.Denyitallyouwant,butIknowyouwantme.Thequickeryouacceptthat,thebetteryouwillfeel.”
Despitetheheavybeatofmyheart,Iknowit’smytimetoturnmyhead,andwhenIdo,ournosesnearlytouch.WithallthebravadoIcanmuster,Isay,“ThesooneryourealizeI’moutofyourleague…thebetteryouwillfeel.”
Itwasn’talwayslikethisbetweenus.WhenIfirstmethim,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowtruly,stunninglyhandsomehewas,withhismossy-greenstareandacockyairabouthimthatdemandedmyattention.Hewaseverythingagirlfantasizesabout.Forthebriefestofmoments,Ithoughtthatmaybe,justmaybe,therecouldbesomethingbetweenus.Thatifheaskedmeoutonadate,Iwould’vesaidyes.Butwhenmybusinesswastoeingthelineofbecomingsuccessfulunderhisleadership,IknewIwouldn’tmixbusinesswithpleasure,notwhenIworkedsohardtogettowhereIwas.
SoIpushedmyinitialthoughtstothesideand,sadly,I’vecometoseehimdifferentlynow.
Heregularlywaltzesintomeetingssmellinglikelastnight’sperfume.He’softendistractedbyhisphone,andwhenI’velookedover,there’salwaysbeenadifferentwoman’snameonthescreen.He’sflirtyandclearlynotsomeoneinterestedinlong-termanything.Heteasesaboutlove,hejokesaboutforever,andhe’sneverserious.Andthat’snotwhatIwantdespitemyinitialattraction.
Withmyheadheldhigh,Imovepasthim,outthedooroftheconferenceroom,andtotheelevators.IhavenoideawhyJPisdroningonaboutthisattractionbetweenus.It’snotasthoughI’veledhimon.I’mafirmbelieverinlove.Therefore,I’mlookingforlove.Notafling,notasexyone-nightstand.I’mlookingformysoulmate,justlikethesoulmatesonmysemi-popularpodcast.Iwantforever.
JPCanecanbelievewhathewants,butifthere’sonethingIknowforsureinthisromancedesertthatismylife,heandIaresonotmeanttobe.
***
JP
Letmeguess…Kelseytoldyouwe’resonotmeanttobe,right?
*Rollseyes*
Ofcourseshedid.NotthatI’mlookingforforever,becauseI’mnot.I’mjustlookingforagoodtime.
I’vehadtoomuchlossinmylifetocommittoanyone.Yeah,I’mthatguy.Psychoanalyzemeallyouwant,butit’snotgoingtochangethefactthatmyfearofcommitmentisarealthing.
ButI’llsaythis—ifanyonewasgoingtochangemymindaboutthat,itwouldbeKelsey.
She’s…hell,she’sallkindsofspecial.
FromthefirstmomentIsawherduringherpitchmeetingwithus,Iwaswowed.Butworkingcloselytogether,Iwasenamored.Hersmile,herpositiveoutlookonlife,herfuckinggorgeouseyes,shestolemybreath,anditwasthefirsttimeinmygoddamnlifethatIactuallythoughttomyself…shecouldbemyforever
Talkaboutscaringtheshitoutofmyself.ItwaslikeaNordicbreezeshotrightupmyass.Absolutelychilling.
Icouldn’tbethinkingthatway.
Icouldn’tbethinkingabout*gulp*forever.
So,beingamatureadult,I’vechosentodeflect.Toannoy.Tokeepherasfarawayaspossible.Andboywasitworking.Igotunderherskin.Whenevershelooksatme,shewantstomurderme.WheneverIlookather,Ithink…well,she’shot,butshewantstomurderme,therefore,stayaway.
AndlikeIsaid,itworked.Itworkedsofuckingwell…untilitdidn’tanymore.
YoucanONLYimaginewhathappensnext…ChapterOne
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
AlecandLuna
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.AlecandLuna,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.
Alec:Ourpleasure.Lunacouldnotstopravingaboutyou.
Luna:Guilty.I’mobsessedwiththispodcast.
Kelsey:Thankyousomuch.Sothen,youmustknowhowwerunthingsoverhere.Theintroisyoutwogivingusaquickrundownonyourmeet-cute.Thinkyoucandoit?
Luna:Wecan.
Alec:Shemademepractice.
Kelsey:Ha-ha.Wellthen,takeitaway.Howdidyoutwobecomemeanttobe?
Luna:Mybrothergotengagedtohisboyfriendandtheycouldn’taffordabig,fancywedding,soIsignedhimupforaDIYweddingshowcalledTheWeddingGame
Alec:Mybrother,Thad,wasagroomzillaandwantedtowinthegrandprizeattheendoftheshow,anapartmentoverlookingCentralPark,andlaidaguilttriptoforcemetohelp.
Luna:Firstdayofshooting,AlecassumedIwasaPAanddemandedIgethimcoffee.
Alec:Asked,notdemanded.Let’skeepthingsstraight,but,yes,Idid.Andyoucanimaginehowthelittlespitfirenexttomereacted.
Luna:Ihaditoutforhim.Hewasthecompetitionandhewasgoingdown.
Alec:Ididn’tcareaboutthecompetitionatallandwascountingdownthedaysuntilitwasdone.ThenIrealizedwhatabadbrotherIwasbeingandhowsadThadwas,so…Iputintheeffort.
Luna:Effortmeantfollowingmearoundabakingstoresohecouldlearnhowtobakeacake.
Alec:Iknockedoversomenuts,andshehelpedmepickthemupandfoundmeout.ShetookpityonmeandshowedmehowtobakeacaketohelpThad.
Luna:Thatdayinmyapartmentchangedeverything.Ididn’tseehimascompetition.Isawhimasabrothertryingtomakeadifference.
Alec:She’sasuckerforfamily,andsoshortlyafterthat,Iaskedherout.
Luna:Wegotmarriedlastspring.
***
“Canyoutwostopmakingout?Honestly,Icameheretohavedinnerwithyou,notseeyoulickeachother’sfaces.”
Lottiepausesandlooksoverhershoulder.“Buthesmellssogood.Haveyousmelledhim?”
“Ihaven’t,becausehe’snotmyboyfriend.”
HuxleytwistsLottieoffhimontotheoutdoorcouchthey’resharingandliftsherchintohislips.“I’mgoingtogocheckonthepizza.”Hepressesthelightestofkissestoherlipsandthenstands.“Kelse,canIgetyouarefillonyourdrink?”
Iholdupmywineglasstohimandsay,“Please,thankyou.”
Huxleyhasthebestwines.Hedoesn’tdrinkmuchofit,soIalwaysmakeapointtoputadentinhislabelswhenI’moverfordinner,whichisatleastonceaweek.Andeatingoutsideisalwaysmychoice.HuxleyandLottiehaveagorgeous,coastal-stylehousewithwhitewallsandblackaccentsjustoutsideBeverlyHillsinTheFlats.Thebackyardhasabreathtakinginfinitypoolthatstretchesthelengthofthepropertyandexpensiveyetmassivelycomfortablepatiofurniture.Tallpalmtreesaddprivacy.Theirbackyardismyfavoriteplace.
Whenhedisappearsintothehouse,Lottieleanstowardmeandasks,“Kelsey,youknowthatvibratorIshowedyoutheothernight?”
“Yes?”
Shelooksoverhershoulder,checkingonHuxley,andthensays,“Iblackedout.Helegithadtoshakemebacktoconsciousness.Hewon’tuseitonmeanymoreeventhoughI’mbeggingdesperatelyforit.”
Keepingmyexpressionneutral,Isay,“Isn’tthatlovely.Congratulationsontheintenseorgasm.”
Lottie’sbrowstiltdown.“Hey,amIsensingsomesarcasm?”
“Whatcluedyouin?”Icrossonelegovertheother,wishingIdidn’taskforarefillonwine.
“Uh,theattitude.Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Sighing,Ilookmysisterintheeyeandsay,“I’mveryhappyforyouandHuxleyandyourlove,butI’mtheperpetuallysingleone,andit’shardtowatch.”
“Areyoujealous?”sheasks.
“Yes,”Ianswer,noteventryingtoavoidthetruth.LottieismybestfriendandItellhereverything,evenifitmakesmelookbad.“I’mveryjealousthatyouhavethisconsumingrelationshipwithamanwhoworshipsyou,andIdon’tevenhaveoneprospect.”
“That’snottrue,”LottiesaysasHuxleyrejoinsus,handingusbothglassesofwine.“WhataboutJP?”
“Oh,please,”IgroanandthensendmyapologiestoHuxley.“Nooffensetoyousincehe’syourbrother,butJPisamoron.”
“Nooffensetaken.Iagreewithyou,”HuxleysaysashedrapeshisarmbehindLottieandpullsheragainsthissidewhilebringinghisbeerbottletohislips.
“Howisheamoron?”Lottieasks.
“Wheretostart?”Huxleyasks,lookingsocomposedandregal.IfHuxley,JP,andBreaker—theirotherbrother—didn’talllooksomuchalike,Iwouldquestiontheirrelationshiptoeachother.
I’vealwayslikedHuxley,evenwhenLottiehatedhim.Itwaseasytogetalongwithhimbecausehe’sverybusiness-minded,smart,andcanremainimpartial.He’ssavvywithworkdecisions,enjoyshelping,andlovesdeeply.He’sthetotalpackage.I’mverygratefulLottiefoundhim,butGod,ifonlyJPhadanounceofHuxleyinhim,itwouldmakebeingaroundhimbearable.
“JPisfun,thekindoffunyouneed,”Lottiesays.“Iloveyou,Kelse,butyou’reabituptight.”
“Iamnotuptight,”Idefend.“IjustknowwhatIlikeandwhatIdon’tlike,andtrustmewhenIsayIdon’tlikeJP.He’sannoyingandthinkstoohighlyofhimselfand,frankly,he’sfartoomessyforme.”
“Allfacts,”Huxleysays.“Kelseydeservesbetter.”
“That’syourbrother,”Lottiesays.
“I’maware,babe.ButIagreewithKelsey.Theyaren’tagoodmatch.”
“Thankyou.”Isipmywine.“Andsincewe’reonthetopic,I’llletyouknowI’mthinkingaboutjoiningthatlocaldatingapp.Youknow,theonewiththeblinddaterestaurant?”
“Wait,theonethatNoelyClarkfromGoodMorning,Malibuhasboastedabout?Theonewhereshefoundlove?What’sitcalled?”
“GoinginBlind,”Isay.
“Yes.”Shesnapsherfingeratme.“OhmyGod,didn’tyouinterviewherandJackonyourpodcast?”
Inod.“Yes,that’swhereIgottheidea.Shewastellingmeallaboutitwhileweweren’trecording,anditseemsreallyinteresting.Like,maybeIcouldactuallyfindsomeonelike-minded.”
“Howdoesitwork?”Huxleyasks.
“It’sallanonymousthroughanapp,buteveryoneisputthroughabackgroundcheckandscreenedtomakesurethere’snocatfishing.Then,theappmatchesyouwithpeople.Youdon’tknowwhothepersonisbynameorwhattheylooklike,andyoumeetupattherestaurant,GoinginBlind,whereyoushareamealtogetherandseeifyou’reamatch.Likeablinddate.”
“That’sprettyneat,”Huxleysays.
“Iloveit,”Lottieadds.“God,Ishould’vethoughtofthatwhenIwastrollingforarichhusband.”
Huxley’sarmtightensaroundLottieashesays,“Ithinkyoudidprettygoodforyourself.”
Lottiecupshischeekandpullshiminforakiss.“Ididdecent,thoughyoucanbequitegrumpy.”
IwatchHuxley’shandcurlaroundmysisterpossessivelyashewhisperssomethingintoherear.Ugh,great,you’reinlove.WEALLCANSEETHAT!
Ileanbackinmychairanddrainmywineglass,whiletheydosomesortofsecretwhisperingthingtoeachotherwhich,frankly,Ihavenodesiretobeapartof.Notthattheywantmetobeapartofiteither.
WhatIwouldlikeistobeapartofarelationshipliketheirswhereyou’resoinfatuatedwitheachotherthatyoucompletelyforgettheworldaroundyouandgetlostineachother’seyes.
Iwanttobeworshipped.
Iwanttobeimportantinsomeone’slife.
Iwanttobethepersonsomeonecallswhentheyneedadviceorhavebignews…orjustwanttohearmyvoice.
Iwanttobesurprisedwithflowersatmyapartmentdoor.WhiskedawaytosomewhereI’veneverbeen.ThoughtofnearlyeverysecondofeverydaybecauseIconsumesomeone’sthoughts.
Iwantthereal.
Theugly.
Thepettinessthatcomeswithrelationships.
Theteasing.
Thearguments.
Thelaughs.
Thelove.
Theromance.
Iwantitall.Andsittinghere,watchingmysisterexperienceexactlythat,yes,itmakesmejealous,butitalsomakesmerealizethatifIwantallthosethings,I’mgoingtohavetomakethemhappenmyself.Ican’tsitbackandwait.
IfIwantlove,Ineedtogofindit.
***
“OhGod,Ifeellikethrowingup,”IsayasIshakemyhandsatmyside.“WhydidIthinkthiswasagoodidea?”
“Becauseyouwanttobeinarelationship,”Lottiesayscalmlyfromwhereshesitscross-leggedonmybed.
“Ido.”InodasIstareatmyselfinmyfull-lengthmirror,examiningthepurple,straplessdressIchoseformydatetonight.“Ireallywanttobeinarelationship.”
“Andyouyourselfsaidthisguysoundsnice.Likesdogs,hashisownbusiness—somethingyouhaveincommon—andhasasecretdesiretobeinaboyband,whichischarming.”
“Itis.”Inodagain,stillstaringatmyself.“Theboybandthingreallygotme.”
“Andwhatwashisfavoritequoteagain?”
“‘Buzz,yourgirlfriend!Woof!’”Isay,chucklingasIturntotheside,checkingoutmyback.
Lottiechucklestoo.“See,heseemslikeagoodtimeaswell.”
NowIturntowardLottieandask,“Whatifhe’stheone?”
“Okay,youcan’tgointothisthinkinglikethat.Youneedtobecalm,composed,andjusthavefun.Youcan’tgoallcrazyromanticonhimandaskhimtohaveyourbabiesfifteenminutesintothedate.”
Igiveheraglaringlook.“Iwouldneverdothat.”
“Justchecking,becauseearlieryouaskedmeifpurpleaccentedyourelbowpitveinstoomuch.Whoasksthat?”
IflashmyarmsatLottieandsay,“Momgavemetheseveins,andtheyarefartooprominent.Idon’tneedthepurpleofthisdressmakingthemevenmoreprominent.”
“Withthewaythatdressmakesyourboobslook,I’mprettysurethelastthinghe’sgoingtobelookingatisyourinnerelbowveins.”
Iclutchmychest.“OhmyGod,doIlooklikeI’mtryingtoohard?”
“Noooo,”Lottiemoans.“Youlookperfect.Now,ifyoudon’tleavesoon,you’regoingtobelateandIknowwhatyouhatemostinlifeisbeinglate.”
“That’strue.Beinglatejustmeansyou’reeithera‘timebender’—that’sarealthing—oryoudon’tcareaboutotherpeople’stime.Andtimeistheonethinginlifeyoucan’tgetback.”
“Yes,Iknow.”Lottiestandsfromthebedandushersmetowardthedoor,butbeforeshecanpushmeout,Iturntowardherandgripherarms.
“Whatifthisisit,ifhe’stheone?I’mgoingtostartsweatingwhenIseehim.Iwon’tbeabletoactcool.Whatifthisismyoneandonlychanceatlove?”
“Thisisnotyouroneandonlychance.Thisisablinddatewithaguythatsomecomputeralgorithmthoughtwouldbeagoodfitforyou.”
“Aprovenalgorithm.Thesuccessrateisashighasninetypercent.Doyouknowwhatkindofpressurethatputsonme?”
“You’reoverthinkingthis.It’ssupposedtobefun.”
“Nothingaboutdatingisfun.YouluckedoutwithHuxley.MaybeIshouldwalkarichneighborhood,lookingforahusband.”
“OryoucouldjustgooutwithJP…”
ThatcalmsmynervesrightawayandIputdistancebetweenmyselfandmysister.“BynowyoushouldknowIhavezerointerestinhim.I’dhavebetterluckdatingahouseplantthanJPCane.Now”—Istraightenoutmydress—“ifyouwillexcuseme,Ihaveablinddatetogoon.”
“OnementionofJPandyou’reallfixedandreadytogo?”
“Yes.”Ipickupmypurseandslingitovermyshoulder.“Becauseifthere’sonethingIknowforsure,it’sthatanydateisbetterthanadatewithhim.”ChapterTwo
JP
“Itruly,trulyhateyou,”IsayintothephoneasIstandoutsidetherestaurant.
“Doyouhatemeordoyouhateyourself?”Breakerasks.“Becauseyou’retheonewholostthebet.”
“Myshoewasuntied,Icalledatime-out,youdidn’tlisten,youscoredthewinningbasket,andbasically…youcheated.”
“Jesus,”Breakerhuffs.“Whataloadofcrapandyouknowit.Youdidn’tcallatime-outuntilIjukedyou,youlunged,andIblewpastyou.Ibeatyoufairandsquare.”
Handinonepocket,Itoethesidewalkandsay,“Well,weneededareplay.”
“Whydon’tyouactlikeaman,ownuptoyourloss,andtaketheconsequenceswithoutcomplaining?”
“BecauseIdon’twanttodothis.”
“Thenyounevershould’veplacedthebet.”
“Yeah,well…Ididn’tthinkIwasgoingtolose.”
Helaughsintothephone.“Notmyproblem.”
“Fuck…fine.”Ipushmyhandthroughmyhair.“Butthisisfuckingstupid.”
“Letmeaskyouthis—areyoumadbecauseyoulost,orareyoumadbecauseyou’regoingonadatethatisn’twiththeappleofyoureye?”
“There’snoappleofmyeye.”
Breakersnorts.“Dude,you’renotfoolinganyone.You’reinfatuatedwithKelseyanditbothersyouthatshewantsnothingtodowithyou.”
“Kelsey?”IguffawsoloudlythatIdrawtheattentionofamanwalkingintotherestaurant.Igivehimanodandthenturnaroundforsomeprivacy.“Kelseyisapill.She’suptight,annoying,anddoesn’tknowagoodthingwhenit’sstandingrightinfrontofher.”
“Meaningyou,”Breakersays,hisvoicefullofhumor.
“Uh,yeah,clearly.WhywouldIwanttogoonadatewithsomeonewhothinksmorehighlyofapieceofgumstuckonhershoethanme?”
“Hmm,maybeIshouldaskKelseyout.Weseemtohavealotincommon.”
“Fuck…off,”IgroanasIturntowardtherestaurant.HebetternotaskKelseyout.Ifshedoesn’twantme—andI’mextremelylikable—thenshewouldn’twantBreaker.Kelseyisblindandhighhanded.AndIwishIdidn’tfantasizeabouther.Frequently.“Thiswasreallystupid.Iknownothingaboutthisgirl.”
“Nottrue.Youknowthatsheliveshere,thatsheownsherownbusiness,andthatshebelievesrosesarethemostromanticflowerintheworld.”
“Yeah,exactly.Whythisfuckingcomputerthoughtwe’dbeamatch,Ihavenoidea.Itprobablysawbusinessowneronourprofilesandwaslike,done.Easy.Matchmadeinheaven.Thisplaceisover-hypedandridiculous.”
“It’snotlikeyouhavetostaythatlong.Justgohaveadrinkandthen—”
“That’snothowthisprocessworks.Youhavetostayandhaveamealwiththeperson.It’sthegodforsakenprogram.”
Breakersnorts.“Ohshit,really?”
“Yes,really.Somethingabouthowtheywantyoutogettoknowthepersonbeforemakingasnapjudgmentandmovingontothenextdate.”
“Makessense.”
“Yeah,forsomeonewhodoesn’thavetogoonthedate.”
“Dude,stopbitchingandjustgointhere.Jesus,aren’tyoulate?”
Iglancedownatmywatch.Shit,sixminuteslate.Isighheavilyandsay,“Ihateyou.”
“Can’twaittohearallaboutthedate.Havefun,bro.”
“Fuckoff.”Ihangupashislaughterboomsthroughthephone.
Now,ifIwereatrueasshole,someonewhodidn’tkeeptheirword,I’dgorightpastthisrestaurant,hangoutatabar,andcatchthelatestRebelsgame.Buteventhoughthatsoundsincrediblyappealing,I’mnotthatguy.Ican’tstandsomeoneup.Iwouldfeelwaytoodamnguilty.
So,Istuffmyphoneinmypocketandwishthisnightcouldbeoverbeforeitbegins.
GoinginBlind,whatastupid-as-shitconcept.
Lettingacomputermatchyouwithsomeonewithoutevenseeingwhatthepersonlookslike…seemslikerecklessbehaviorifyouaskme.
Irresponsible,actually.
Andholdingthemhostageuntilthemealisover?
Well,guesswho’sabouttoannihilateamealtogetthehelloutofhere?
Me.
Iopenthedoortotherestaurantandamgreetedbyamore-than-jubilanthostessandanentirelytooromanticatmosphere.Stringsoflargebulblightsaredrapedthroughoutthespaceandthere’saplethoraofhangingplants,thevinesdanglingjustabovethetables.Thewallsarefloor-to-ceilingexposedwhitebrick,theintimatetablesallhavethaturban,metalfeel,andthewoodbeamsthatrunparallelwiththeceilingsoftenthedesign.
Sure…theplaceisnice.
I’llgiveitthat.
Buttherestofthisconceptisstupid.
“Goodevening,sir,”theebullienthostesssays.“YoumustbeJP.”
OfcoursetheyknowwhoIam.I’msuretheyhavepicturesofeverypersonwhohasbeenropedintoadatehere.
Tackingonasmile,Inod.“Thatwouldbeme.”
“Wonderful.Well,yourdateisatthebar.ShallIintroduceyou,orwouldyouliketointroduceyourself?”
Iglanceoveratthebarandseeawomaninapurpledresssittingalone.Itakeinherlong,brownhairthat’slooselycurledanddrapedoverherbareshoulders.Hmm…
Maybethiswholethingisn’tentirelystupid.
“Icanintroducemyself.”
“Wonderful.Haveaniceevening.”
“Thankyou,”IsaybeforeImakemywaythroughtherestaurant.Whenyousignupfortheprogram,theymakeyouchooseanavatar,anametorepresentyoubutisn’tyourreal-lifename.IwentwithManWearsPants,becauseIwastooannoyedtothinkofanythingclever,andthegirlIwasmatchedwith,well…
“Hello,youmustbeRosesAreRed,”Isayasagreeting.
Shesetsdownherhalf-emptyglassandturnsaround,almostinslowmotion.Iholdmybreath,steelingmyselfforwhatthiswomanlookslike,butwhenherfacecomesintoview,I’mblownawaybythefamiliar,dark-hairedbeautybeforeme.
Hersmileiswide,hereyesarehopeful,andwhensheflicksherhairoverhershoulderandlooksmeintheeyes…herfacefallsflat,hermouthturningintoathin,angryline.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”sheasks.
Ohman,thisisfuckingawesome.
KelseyGardner.
Whataretheodds?
Stickingbothmyhandsinmypockets,Igleefullysay,“I’myourdatefortheevening.”
Glancingovermyshoulder,sheseemstotakeasecondtocomprehendwhat’shappeningandthenasks,“Areyousomesortofstalkerwhofollowedmehere?JP,thisisgoingwaytoofreakingfar.I’mabouttogoonadatewithsomeone.Idon’twanthimthinkingI’mherewithyou,soifyou’dpleaseleave—”
“ManWearsPants,”Isay,andhereyesnarrow.
Withaquicklookaround,shewetsherlips,leansin,andinatightvoice,sheasks,“Whydidyoujustsaythat?”
Oh,it’stoofuckingcutewatchinghernosescrunchupinconfusion.Iwasso,sowrong.ThiseveningisgoingtobesomuchmorefunthanIanticipated.
“That’smyavatar.ManWearsPants,andyou,myirritatedshrew,areRosesAreRed,andyoucandenyitallyouwant,butthisdatingprogramthinkswe’retheperfectmatch.”
“Well,clearlyitwaswrong.”Theshrillnessofhervoicereachesapitchnearlycapableofbreakingthebottlesofliquorbehindher.Shestandsfromherchair,snatchesherpurse,andattemptstowalkpastmewhenIgrabherhand.
“Excuseme,MissIrritable,butIbelievewearen’tallowedtoleavetherestaurantuntilweshareamealtogether.It’sinthetermsandconditions.”
Hereyesflashtomine.“Youcan’tbeserious.”
“Oh,I’mveryserious.Ibelieveit’ssectionthree,linefivewhereitstatesthedefinitiveguidelines,”Isay.“Isignedupforthisdatingapp,andIexpecttogetthefullexperience.”IflashheragrinthatIknowirritateshermorethananything.
“Everythingokayhere?”thehostessasks,cominguptous.
“Everythingisgreat,”Ianswer.
“No,everythingisnotgreat,”Kelseysays.“Theremusthavebeensomemistakewiththealgorithmandthematching,becauseIknowthisman,andletmetellyou,Icansaywithfullconfidencethatwe’renotamatch.”
“Oh,howinteresting.Idon’tthinkwe’veeverhadthishappenbefore.”
“Ah,wonderful.Soyoucanimaginehowwe’djustliketomoveonfromthisill-fatedinconvenienceandgoonourway.”
Thehostessshakesherhead.Icanpracticallyheartheagonized,innerhowlingfromKelsey,asifthisisherownpersonaldoomsday.“I’msosorry,butunfortunately,youhavetostayandenjoyamealtogether.It’spartoftheterms.”
“ButIsaidIknowhim.”Kelseyfranticallyjabsherhandinmydirection.
Pointallyouwant,lady,notgoingtohelp
“AndIdon’tlikehim.Idon’tneedtohaveamealwithhimtofigurethatout.”
“Youwoundme,”Iwhisperplayfullyinherear.Sheswatsmeawaywithanunexpectedflickofherwrist.Whoa,almostgotafingernailtotheeyeball.
“DoyouseewhatI’mdealingwith?Trustme,youdon’twantussharingamealtogether,it’lldistracttheotherpeoplearoundus.Allwedoisbicker.”
“Thenwe’llgiveyouoneofournewprivatetablesintheloftarea.”Thehostesssmirksandthennodstowardthestairstotheright.“Rightthisway.”
“Youcan’tbeserious,”Kelseysays.
“Lookslikesheisserious,”Isay,pressingmyhandtoherlowerbackandguidingherforward.
“You’rereallygoingtomakemehavedinnerwithhim?”
Thehostessdoesn’tanswer,shejustkeepswalking,andIkeeppushingKelseyforward,asmileonmyfacetheentiretime.HereIthoughtthenightwasgoingtobeacompletebust,butit’sturnedintoanightinwhichI’mveryinterestedintakingpart.
“Thisisridiculous.Ishouldn’tbeheldagainstmywill.”
Wewalkupthestairs.
“ThisprogramisaloadofcrockifyouthinkIshouldbematchedwithJP.Didyouevendoabackgroundcheck?”
Wereachtheloft,aprivatespacedrapedinwhitelinencurtainsandtwinklelights.There’sonetableinthemiddle,surroundedbyanambiancesuitedonlyforintimatelovers,twopeopletanglingineachother’sliveswithromanticinterludes,long,drawn-outstoriesofchildhood,andfar-offfantasiesofwhattheirfuturemightlookliketogether.
Andthenthere’smeandKelsey,theangryporcupine,rearingupherquillsandreadytoimpalemeatherfirstchance.
Thissensualroomdrippinginfairy-talepotentialisabouttogetashow.
“There’snothingromanticbetweenus,nothingatall.Whyisthishappening?”shedroneson.
Thehostessholdsoutabasketwithasignthatsoeloquentlyreads“Unplugandbepresent”andshakesitatus,clearlyandwordlesslystatingwemustdepositourlifelineswithin.
Iplopmyphoneinbecause,ifanything,I’manexcellentrulefollower.
PanicsweepsthroughKelsey’seyesasshestaresdownatthebasket.“WhatifIhaveanimportantphonecallthatcomesin?WhatifIneedmysistertofakeabrokenanklesoIcanleave?”
Atleastshe’shonest,butitdoesnothingtodissuadethehostess,andwithaferalgroanonlyheardthroughthedepthsofadark,danknight,Kelseyputsherphoneinthebasketwithmine.
Next,we’reshowntoourtable,paralleltoaquaintstonefireplaceofferinganorangeglowforaveryromanticevening…withthepriggishshe-wolf
“Yourserver’snameisHelix.He’llbejoiningyoushortly.Pleaseletusknowifyouneedanything,”thehostesssaysbeforepullingoutbothchairsforus.
“Yes,Ineedtogetoutofthisdate.Howcanyouassistmeinthat?”Kelseyasks.
“I’msureyoutwowillhaveabeautifuleveningtogether.Enjoy.”
Andthensheleaves,takingoffdownstairsandleavingmecompletelyaloneinwhatsomemightrefertoasadreamyloftwithKelsey.
Afuming,nostrils-flaredKelsey.
AKelseywhowouldmostlikelyprefertosharethisspacewithanyone—andImeananyone—butme.
Sheraisesherhandandpointsatme,herfingershakingasshespeaksthroughclenchedteeth.“Youdidthis.Youplannedthiswholething,didn’tyou?”
“What?You’velostyourmindifyouthinkIhavetimeinmydaytofigureoutwhatkindofcheesydatingappyou’reon,infiltratetheapp,andthensomehowcompromisethesystemsoyouandIareforcedtohaveadatetogether.”
“Iknewit.”Shethrowsherhandsintheair.“God,andyouplaythefoolsowell,wheninreality,you’reaconnivingbirdbrainwithnothingbettertodothanprovokepeopleinyourpath.”
Itakeaseatatthetable,pickupthenapkininfrontofme,andrestitacrossmylap.“Firstly,IsaidIdidn’thavetimetodoallthat.Secondly,connivingbirdbrainisaninsultI’mgoingtohavetostoreawayforlater.It’sagoodone.”
“Eww,don’ttrytobecharmingwithme.”Shetakesaseataswell,albeitreluctantly,andfoldshernapkinoverherlaptoo.Shedrumsherfingersonthetableandtakesinthelightsaroundus.“Whatawastedroom.”
See,Iknewshe’dthinkthat.DoIknowthisgirlorwhat?
Ileanforwardandsay,“Youknow,youcouldtrytomakethemostofthisandattempttobepleasant.”
Hereyesshoottomine.“Why,JP?Ithoughtmenandwomenwhoworkwitheachothercan’tbefriends.”
Touché.
“Notsayingwehavetobefriends,butyoucouldatleastnotactlikeanuninspiringwench.”
“Doyouexpectmetohaveaconversationwithyou?”
“That’swhatnormalpeopleusuallydowhentheyshareamealtogether.Unlessthere’sanewtrendI’munawareof.”
Justthen,Helixcomesupthestairswithglassesofwaterbalancedprecariouslyonhistray.Afterhesetsthemonthetable,hestuffshistrayunderhisarmandsays,“Goodevening.Ourhostesshasinformedmethatwehaveahappylovenestuphere.”
ThedeadpanlookonKelsey’sfacealmostmakesmefalloutofmychairinlaughter,butIholdittogetherinfearofwhatwouldhappentomeifIdidlaugh.Afterall,therearetwoknivesonthistable.
“We’reinabitofarush,soifyoudon’tmind,we’dliketoorder,eat,andthengetthehelloutofhere.”
“Jesus,”Iwhisper.“Don’tberudetotheguy.”
Kelseyletsoutaslowbreathandthenplastersonasmile.“I’msorry.Helix,isit?”
Helixnods.
“Yousee,whenIsignedupforthisapp,IwasundertheimpressionthatI’dbesetupwithsomeoneImightactuallybeinterestedin.Ihadallthehopeofmeetingsomeoneinteresting,someonecomplex,someonefun.Iwastrulyplanningonmakingadeepconnectiontonight.”Hereyessnaptomine.“AndwhenIsaydeepconnection,Imeanmentally…notphysically.”
Ijustgrin.
“Butyousee,Helix,insteadofmeetingsomeonewhocouldhavethepotentialtosweepmeoffmyfeet,Iwasmatchedwiththisinsolent,vexatioushumanwhothinksmorehighlyofthehangnailonhisfingerthanthepeoplearoundhim.Unfortunately,IworkwithhimandIknowenoughabouthimtounderstandthatthere’snothing—andImeanabsolutelynothing—wehaveincommon.Therefore—”
“That’snotwhatthereadoutonyourprofilessays.”Helixclutchesthetraytightly.
Kelseyblinks.“Excuseme?”
“Iheardtheremightbesometroubleuphereinparadise,andsometimes,whenthathappens,weprintoutthereasonthecomputerconnectedyouboth.Wouldyoulikemetoreadittoyou?”
“No,”Kelseysays.
“Yes,”Isayatthesametime.“IwouldlovenothingmorethantohearwhyKelseyandIaresuitedforeachother.”IcrossmyankleovermykneeasIscootbackmychairandpreparemyselfforwhatIcanonlyimaginewillbeanabsolutelyenlighteningexperienceformeandahorrificexperienceforKelsey.
Fromhispocket,Helixpullsoutapieceofpaperandclearshisthroat.“Youwereoneofourhighestmatchesinthesystemwithaninety-sevenpercentprobablesuccessrate.”
HA!
SteamfliesoutofKelsey’searsasmygrinjustkeepsgrowingwiderandwider.
“RosesAreRedandManWearsPants.”Helixturnstome.“Greatname,bytheway.”
Inodathim.“Thankyou.”
“OhmyGod,”Kelseygroans.“There’sabsolutelynoimaginationtothatname.”
“AsifRosesAreRedisapoeticmasterpiece,”Ireply.“MightaswellhavecalledyourselfPointsOutTheObvious.”
KelseyjutsherhandatmeandlooksatHelix.“SeewhatI’mtalkingabout?Insufferable.”
Lookingslightlyweary,Helixtakesastepbackandcontinuesreading.“RosesAreRedandManWearsPantsarebothbusinessownerswithintheLosAngelesarea.”
“Whoa,that’sasurprisetonoone.”Kelseyfoldsherarmsoverherchestand,honestly,Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenherthisupset.OneofthethingsI’vealwaysfoundinterestingaboutKelseyisherabilitytostaycomposed,evenwhenunderanimmenseamountofpressure.Shenevershowsemotion,buttonight,I’mexperiencinganewsideofher.Ikindoflikeit.
“Fromreviewingtheirbackgrounds,we’veestablishedlikenessinparentabandonment.”
Kelseyfallssilent.
“Thedesiretoachieve,andadirectmatchinfearssuchasfailure,notbeingloved,andbeingalone.”
HereyesflashtomineasIquicklylookaway.Okay,whatthefuckisthatshit?Sure,wefilledoutaquestionnaire,butwhatkindofinvasivebackgroundcheckwasdonetofigurethatout?
“ItalsodeterminedthatwhereRosesAreRedisverystructuredandamorousinthought,ManWearsPantscanbepessimisticwithanapatheticattitude,makingthesetwopuzzlepiecesfitcloselytogether,creatingacontinuousbalanceforahealthyrelationship.”Helixstuffshispaperbackinhispocketandthenholdsupapenandpaper.“Now,whatcanIgetyoutwofordinner?”ChapterThree
KELSEY
Well,Helixknowshowtoshuttwopeopleuprealquick.
Afterwebothputinanorderforthemeatloafandmashedpotatoes—I’mignoringthefactthatweorderedthesamething,thankyouverymuch—Helixtookoffdownthestairs,butnotbeforetellingusthatthekitchenisshort-staffedsothemealmighttakeabitlongertocomeout.
Just…great.Wonderifthat’sintentionalso“dates”havetostaylonger.
AninstrumentalcoverofBadGuyplaysoverheadasJPandIlookeverywherebutateachother.
Helixbroughtinthetruthbombandcompletelyobliteratedtheevening.
EventhenonstopannoyancefromJPhasshutdownashetwirlshiswaterglassonthetable.
Thesilenceisdeafening.
Uncomfortable.
AndeventhoughIcan’tstandsittingacrossfromhimatthemoment,Ican’thandlethesilence.It’smorepainfulthannottalking.
“So…doyouofteneatmeatloaf?”Iask,unsureofwhatelsetosay.
Whenhelooksup,hisbrowliftsinthisRegé-JeanPagesortofway,likeafishhookgrabbedit,tuggeditup,andleftitthere.AnddoesittakemestraightbacktoasceneinBridgertonthathadmemeltingintomycouch?Ofcourse,butdoesiteasetheprotectiveiceshieldthathasformedaroundmebecauseofthisunfortunateevening?Notevenalittle.
“Areyouattemptingconversationwithme?”
“Youcan’tpossiblyexpectmetosithereinsilenceforGodknowshowlong.”
“Idon’tknow,watchingyousquirmfromalackofconversationseemsenjoyable.”
“Whyareyouanass?”
“Couldn’tyoutellfromtherundownHelixjustgaveus?Abandonmentissuesandfalsefa?adesarehighonthatlistfordefensemechanisms.Doesn’ttakeapsychologisttofigurethatout,babe,”hesays.
“Doesn’tgiveyouanexcusetoactlikeanasshole.Igrewupwithoutadadandyoudon’tseemeparadingaroundwithanindignantattitude.”
Helaughssolouditstartlesmebackward.“Didyoucompletelyforgetthe‘IhateJPCane’one-personshowyoujustputonfortherestaurantstaff?”
“Well,pardonmeforbeingflummoxedwhenIfoundoutyouweremydatefortheevening.Inmyhead,Iwaspicturingthisnightgoingataddifferently.”
“Isee.Andhowdidyoupictureitgoing?”
Itakeasipofmywater.“Notlikethis.”
“Yousaidthat,andgivenwehavealongdinnerinfrontofus,whydon’tyoueducatemeonhowyouthoughttonightwouldpanout?”
“I’mnotsharingthatwithyou.You’rejustgoingtomakefunofme.”
“WhywouldIdothat?”
“Becauseyou’reanoppressorofhopesanddreams.”
“Howlittleyouknowme,Kelsey.”
Ieyehimforafewsecondsandthenask,“SoifItellyouwhatIthoughtwouldhappentonight,you’renotgoingtomakefunofme?”
“Youknow,itmightbehooveyoutogettoknowme.Thenyoumightnothavesuchalowopinionofme.”
Doubtful.
“Fine,”Isay,chinheldhigh.“Butifyoumakefunofme,I’mthrowingmywaterinyourface.”
“That’sfair.”Henodsatme.“Goahead,lightmeupwithyourfantasies.”
God,Ireallydespisehim.
Clearingmythroat,Isay,“Well,IsignedupforthisprogrambecauseIheardgreatthingsaboutitfromNoelyClark.”
“Noely,oneofthehostsfromGoodMorning,Malibu?”heasks.
“Yes.Iinterviewedherandherhusbandformypodcast—”
“Youhaveapodcast?What’sitcalled?”
Feelingshy,becauseIknowhe’sprobablyjudgingme,Isay,“Ido,andthenameisirrelevant.Iwouldratheryounotlistentoit.”
“AfraidImightbecomealong-timelistener?”
“Areyouteasingme?”Iask,liftingmywater.
Heholdsuphisratherlargehands.“No,notteasing.Justengaginginconversation.”
“Tryusinglesssarcasminyour‘engagements.’”
“Noted.”Hegestureswithhishand.“Proceed.”
“Well,Iinterviewedthemformypodcastandwhileweweren’trecording,shetoldmeallaboutGoinginBlind.SinceI’minthemarkettosettledownwithsomeone…”Ipausetoassesshisexpression,andwhenhedoesn’tcrackasmile,Iproceed.“IthoughtI’dgiveitatry.Iheardnothingbutgoodthings,sowhenIwasgettingready,Iwasactuallykindofnervous.IassumedI’dbemeetingsomeoneinteresting,someonelike-minded,someoneImatchedwellwith.YoucanonlyimaginemydisappointmentwhenyouturnedouttobeManWearsPants.”
Heliftshisglasscasuallyand,withhiseyeslockedinadeepstareonme,takesasipofwater.There’ssomethingenigmaticbutalsoannoyingabouttheCanemen.Theyhaveexcellentself-control,particularlyatcurbingtheirinitialreactionstothings.They’regenerallysubtlewiththeirmovements,showinggreatrestraint.I’veseenitinHuxleyandnowinJP.
“Disappointment,indeed,”hesays.“I’msorryifI’veruinedyourevening.”
“Ugh,don’tdothat.”
“Don’tdowhat?”heasks,remainingstoic.
“Playthebruisedegocard.YouandIbothknowthere’snothingaboutthisscenariothathurtsyourfeelings.You’rethrivingoffthefactthatwewerematchedmerelybecauseit’sruinedmyeveningandhopesforapossiblematch.”
“Idon’tthriveoffthat,”hesays.“Ifinditsomewhatcomical,sure,butIdokindoffeelbadforyou.”
“Idon’tneedyoufeelingbadforme.Saveyourpityforsomeoneelse.”
“Idon’tpityyou.There’sadifference.IfIpitiedyou,thenthatwouldmeanIhavealowopinionofyou,andthat’snotthecase.Ijustfeelbadthatyouconsideryoureveningruinedbymypresence.”
“Whydoyouhavetosayitlikethat?Likeyou’rethevictim.”
“Trustme,babe,I’mneverthevictim.”Heshiftsinhischair,andIcantelltheeasygoing,teasingJPisgone—especiallysinceHelixlaidoutourbackgroundsforeachother—andinhisplaceisaguardedman,oneIhaven’tseenbefore.
“Iwasjustexpectingsomethingelse,”Isay,foldingmyhandsinmylap.“Iwasexcitedtomeetsomeonenew.”
Onceagain,JPstudiesme,intent,hiseyesblazingoverme,practicallyeatingmealiveastheyroamfrommyeyestomymouth,tomychest…
Finally,hesays,“I’mherebecauseofabet.”
Mygazeflashestohis.“What?”
Heholdsuphishandtocalmmysimmeringrage.“BeforeyouthinkIintentionallycameheretoruinyournight,that’snotthecase.Thefactthatwe’reheretogether,sharingameal,ispurecoincidence.ButthereasonIsignedupforthisprogramisbecauseIlostabettoBreaker.”
“Whatkindofbet?”
“Wewereplayingone-on-onebasketball.Ouregosgotthebestofusandwedecidedwhoeverlosthadtofollowthroughonwhatevertheotherpersonchose.Itwasatiedgame.IwasreadytoforceBreakertogotosomebakingclassIknewhe’dabsolutelyhate,andheapparentlyhadplansformetodothis.Ilost,hetoldmewhatIhadtodo,andhereIam.”
“So,you’reherebecauseyoulostabet?”
“Yes.”
“Whatifyourdatewasn’tme?Whatwouldyouhavedonethen?”
“Attemptedtoenjoytheevening.Notsurewhereyourdisdainfulopinionofmestarted,butI’maprettygoodguy.Sure,thethoughtofnotfollowingthroughonthedatetonightdidcrossmymind,butIknewIcouldn’tdothat.So,myplanwastotrytostrikeupconversation,enjoyameal,thenendthenightwithawave.Iplannedtospendtherestoftheeveninginmypool,nakedonaraft,staringupatthestars.”
Mytreacherousmindconjuresupanimageofjustthat,JPnakedonaraft,floatinginapool,hiswildtattoosondisplay.
It’s,uh…it’sapleasantvisual.
“ButnowI’mherewithyou,sufferingthroughthisconversationandbeggingthekitchenstafftohurryupwithmymealsoIcangobacktomyhouse.”Hesmirksandasks,“Whatdoyouplanondoingafterthis?”
AskingLottiewhereHuxleygotthatnew“toy”soIcaneasethetensionthathasbuiltinmyshouldersfromthisevening.
“ProbablyfoldingandironinglaundrywhilewatchinganewromcomonNetflix.”
“Letmeguess—it’saflickabouttwopeoplemeeting,fallingmadlyinlove,thentheguydoessomethingstupid,thegirlgetsmad,theybreakuponlyforhimtomakeagrandgesturetowinbackherhand,andthenit’ssealedwithahappilyeverafter.”
Chinheldhigh,Isay,“Ifyoumustknow,yes,thatwouldbethegeneralidea.”
Hesnorts.“Youreallybelievelifeislikethat?”
“I’dliketobelievethere’ssomevaliditytothosestories.Ifanything,theygivemehopeforthekindoflifeIcouldhave.”
“They’refar-fetchedfiction.Lifedoesn’trevolvearoundthemoviestarfallinginlovewiththelonesomeconstructionworkerandgivingupeverythingtoliveinaquirkytown.”
“Youknow,JP,justbecauseyourlifedoesn’tworkthatway,doesn’tmeanothersdon’t.LookatLottieandHuxley,forinstance.Theirlovestoryreadsheavilylikearomanticcomedy,withallthetwistsandturnsthatapassionateloveaffaircanoffer.”
“Theyranintoeachotheronthesidewalkandstruckupadealtohelpeachother.Thatdoesn’treallyscreamromancetome.”
“It’saclassictrope.”
“Awhat?”heasks,hisfacetwistinginconfusion.
“Ugh.”Irollmyeyes,girdingmyselftoeducatethismanonthesimplepleasuresoftheromancecommunity.“Atropeisaplotorthemethathelpstellastory.Forinstance,ifIweretolabelHuxleyandLottie’sromance,Iwouldeasilycallit‘enemiestolovers’sincetheyhatedeachother,withasmatteringof‘fakefiancée’andatouchof‘billionaire.’Allwildlypopular.”
“Billionaireisatrope?”Bothhisbrowsraisenowinsuspicion.
“Averypopularone.”
“So,letmegetthisstraight—youthinkthatyourlifeisgoingtobesomesortofromcomwiththesetropes?”
“No,butIwashopingforbettercompanythantheonecurrentlypresent,”Isnapathim,takinganothersipofmywater.
“What’swrongwiththepresentcompany?We’rehavingahealthyconversation.”
“Thisiswhatyouconsiderhealthy?I’monthevergeofeithershootingmywaterupyournoseorroundhousekickingyoutotheground.Howdoesthatscreamhealthyconversation?”
Hislipspresstogetherandthenafterhecasuallyleansbackinhischairagain,hesays,“Seemstomelikeyouneedtogotosomeangermanagementclasses.”
IwonderifIcangetawaywithforkingJPtodeath.
***
“That’sthedumbestmovieever.”
“Excuseme?”Iask,myeyesnearlypoppingoutoftheirsockets.Theaudacityoftheman.
“You’retellingme,outofallthemoviesintheentireworld,yourall-timefavorite,theoneyoucanwatchoverandoveragainisSleeplessinSeattle?”
“Yes.WhenHarryMetSallyisaclosesecond.”
“MegRyanfan,arewe?”
“Howcanyounotbeafanofherdelightfulcharm?”
“Imean,she’sfine,butI’mnotgoingtoseekoutamoviebecauseshe’sinit.”
“Well,youshould.Maybeyoucouldlearnsomethingfromwatchinghermovies,becomemoredesirabletobearound.”
Hesmoothshishandoverhisjawandsays,“Haven’thadanycomplaintsaboutmycompanybeingdesirable.”
Irollmyeyesand,becauseourfoodstillhasn’tarrived,Iask,“So,whatmakesSleeplessinSeattlesofarbeneathyou?”
“It’sunbelievable.”
“Howso?”Iaskinshock.
“Well,besidesthefactthatachildnotonlypurchasedaplaneticketbyhimself,butheflewacrossthecountrywithnoparentalguidance,foundhiswaytotheEmpireStateBuilding,andreachedthetopwithoutonepersonquestioninghim?Yeah,thatwouldneverhappen.Butalso,becauseMegRyanisaclearstalkerinthismovie.”
“She’snotastalker.She’smerelycurious.”
“Becuriousaboutyourneighbor,notsomequestionablefatherallthewayacrossthecountry.”
“Hisstorytouchedher.”
“He’saforlornfathertryingtofindsomeassthrougharadioshow.”JPclaps.“Jobwelldone,TomHanks.Youwereabletosweeplonelyanddesperatewomenofftheirfeetfrommilesaway.”
“OhmyGod,you’re…you’regross.”
“Gross?”heasks,hishandlandingonthetable.“HowamIthegrossone?I’mnotchasingtailacrossthecountry,usingmysonasbait.”
“Um,SamBaldwinhadnoideathat’swhatwashappening.Ifyourecall,hewasabsolutelydistraughtoverhisson’sdisappearance.”
“Okay,sure,hepulledhishandfromunderhiswoman’sshirtlongenoughtorealizehissonwasmissing.Greatparenting.Butputallofthataside,andyoureallythinktheywould’vefallenforeachother?Theycaughtoneglimpseofeachotherandthenallofasudden,theywereatthetopoftheEmpireStateBuilding,andinlove?There’sabsolutelynobelievabilitytotheirrelationship.Ifthatmoviehadanepilogue,itwouldshowthemawkwardlyrealizingthenextmorningthattheyliveoverthreethousandmilesapart,helivesonahouseboat,andtheyhaveabsolutelynothingincommonotherthanidioticspontaneity.”
Istareathim,mybodythrummingwithirritation.Thebackofmyneckfeelslikeit’sonfire,mypalmsaresosweatyIhavetorestrainmyselffromwipingthemonmydress,andmyjawisclenchedsotightthatmycheeksarehurting.
“Areyoudonerippingapartmyfavoritemovie?”
“Ithinkso.”Hesmiles.
“Good.Now,RottenTomatoes,tellmeyourfavoritemovie.”
“Why,soyoucanpretendyoudon’tlikeitandattempttogiveitthetongue-lashingIjustunleashedonyourfavoritemovie?I’mgood,thanks.”
“HowdoyouknowI’mgoingtobenegativeaboutyourfavoritemovie?Imightlikeit.”
“HowdoIknowyou’regoingtobenegative?Becauseforthepastfiveminutes,I’vewatchedyoumentallyplotmydeath.Myguessiswhenwe’redonewiththisdinner,you’regoingtopushmedownthestairsonourwayout,tumblingmeintoacoma.”
Wrong.Itinvolvesasolidtwentyminutesofforking…andnotthesexualkind!
“Youknow,ifI’mgoingtogetcaught,plantingmyknifeinyourchestmightbemoresatisfactory.”
“Jesus,”hesays,horrified.
Embarrassmentfallsoverme.Theknifemighthavegoneabittoofar.“You’reright,thatwasuncalledfor.Ithinkthetripdownthestairsismoremystyle.”
Hechuckles.“GladIdon’thavetowhiskyourknifeawaywhenyou’renotlooking.”
“Don’tbesodramatic.Idon’tlookgoodinorange.Committingacrimeisnotforme.”
“Soorangeisnotthenewblackforyou?”
“No.”Icrossmylegovertheotherandask,“So,what’syourfavoritemovie?Youowemethismuch.”
“Ioweyounothing.”
“JP,thishasbeenanuneventfuleveningthatI’mbeggingtoendandyou’vemadeitthatmuchmoreunbearable.Please,delightmewithyournonsensicalmoviechoice.OrI’mgoingtostartguessing.”
“Thatsoundsmoreappealing.Startguessing.”
Heavingaheavysigh,Icomposemyselfandask,“Isitporn?”
“Comeon,Ihavemoreclassthanthat.”
“Debatable,butI’llrulethatoutjustfornow.Hmm.”Imakeashowoftappingmychin.“Basedonyourdisdainforromanticcomedies,I’mgoingtoleanmoretowardsomeblood-and-goreactionflick.Andsinceyoutrytoholdthehigh-and-mightycard,I’mgoingtoguessyourfavoritemovieissomethinglikeBraveheart.”
“Nope.”Heshakeshishead.
“TheGodfather?”
“Notevenclose.”
“Eww,isitRocky?”
“Thatwouldbelaughable.”
Ifoldmyarmsandreallystudyhim.“Umm,SavingPrivateRyan,TheGreenMile,Philadelphia.”
“AreyoujustguessingTomHanksmoviesnow?”
“Justchecking,seeingifanyofthosesparkedanyinterest.Icanseethattheydidn’t.SonowI’mgoingtogothelessprolificrouteandsayStepBrothers,40-Year-OldVirgin,BillyMadison.”
“Allfunny,butno.”
“Ugh,Idon’tknow.Givemeahint.Whostarsinit?”
“JulieAndrews.”
“Julie—what?JulieAndrewsasinMaryPoppinsJulieAndrews?”
Henods.
“You’remessingwithme.”
“No.What’swrongwithJulieAndrews?”
“Nothing,Ijust…Idon’tknow,IwasthinkingyouweregoingtosaysomeonelikeLiamNeeson,SamElliott,orJeffBridges.Youknow,allroughandgruff,ready-to-seek-revengeactors.NotJulieAndrews,withherblondepixiehaircut.”
“Whatlittleyouknowofme.”
“You’renotkidding,yourfavoritemoviehasJulieAndrewsinit?”
“Yup.”Hesmirks.
“Whatisit?”
“Isn’titobvious?”
“Notevenintheslightest.It’strulymoreconfusingthananything.So,I’mataloss.TheonlyJulieAndrewsmoviescomingtomindare,well,MaryPoppinsandThePrincessDiariesandIthinkI’llfalloutofmychairifanyofthosearetheanswer.”
“Nope,neitherofthoseclassics.”
“You’vewatchedbothofthem?”Iask,stillindisbelief.ThisisasideofJPIneverexpected.He’soneofthreebrothers.
“OfcourseIhave.MaryPoppinsiswholesome,andIoncedatedthisgirlwhowasobsessedwithAnneHathawayandmademewatcheverymovieofhers.TheDevilWearsPradawasacompletenightmare,bytheway.Whatkindofshitendingwasthat?”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’tlikeromanticcomedies?”
“Idon’t,andthatmovieisoneofthemainreasons.”
“Okay,soifit’snotoneofthose…whatisit?”Ilaugh.“Can’tpossiblybeTheSoundofMusic.”
“Whydoyouassumethat?”heasks,lookingentirelytooserious.
No.
Thatcan’tbeit.
TheSoundofMusic?Nofreakingway.
“Uh,becauseit’samusicaland,excusemeifI’mwrong,Idon’treallyseeyouasatoe-tapping,musicalkindofman.”
“Youknow,youreallyshouldn’tjudgepeoplebasedonthelittleknowledgeyouhaveofthem.”Headjuststhecuffsonhissleevesandsays,“Foryourinformation,TheSoundofMusicismyfavoritemovie.Ithaseverythingyouneed,ahotnannyex-nunwhocansing,agrumpy,Nazi-fightinghero,beautifullycomposedmusic,betrayal,andsuspense.”
I’mstunned.
Indisbelief.
Sure,it’sanokaymovie,butafavorite?
“Whydon’tIbelieveyou?”
Heshrugs.“That’sonyouifyouchoosetobelievemeornot.”
“IfIhadmyphone,IwouldtextHuxleyrightnowandseeifthat’sthetruth.”
“Whenyougetyourphone,haveatit.HeknowsIlovewatchingMariatwirlaroundonamountaintop.Oneyear,forHalloween,IdressedupasMaria,andanotheryear,IwasBaronVonTrapp.AndthenMariaagain,becausethecostumewastoogoodtoonlywearonce.”
“Istill…Idon’tbelieveyou.”
“Suityourself.ButI’lltellyouthis,Iownthecassettetape,theCD,theVHS,theDVR,theBluRay,andadigitalcopyofTheSoundofMusic.Nottomention,IhaveatreasuredsignedautographpicturefromJulieAndrews.Ikeepthemallinafireproofsafeinmyhouseinanundisclosedlocation.”
“Okay,nowIknowyou’relying.”
Hejustshrugs,whichissuchaninfuriatingresponse.It’slikehedoesn’tevencareenoughtocomeupwithsomethingproper,justoffersaknow-it-allshrug.
And,no,Idon’tbelievehim,notforonesecond.There’snowayaftertheprolificcriticismhehadaboutSleeplessinSeattlethathecansitbackandsayTheSoundofMusic—alovestoryinitsownright—ishisfavoritemovie.Nope,he’sjusttryingtoprovokemeandI’mnotgoingtofallforit.
Nicetry.
“Doe,adeer,afemaledeer—”
“Willyouknockthatoff?”Iaskasourfoodfinallyarrives.“God,justeatyourfoodandbequietsowecangetthehelloutofhere.”
“Aren’tyouapleasantdinnercompanion?”
“You’vebeennonstopsinging,humming,beat-boppingsongssinceyoubroughtupTheSoundofMusicandI’mabouttolosemymind.I’mgoingtohave‘HowdoyousolveaproblemlikeMaria?’stuckinmyheadforeternity.”
“Couldbeworse.”
“Howcoulditbeworse?”Iask.
“Couldbeacompletelyinappropriatesong.Somethingalongthelinesof…”Heleansforwardandinaseductivevoice,says,“Myneck,myback,lick—”
“Okay,Igotyourpoint,”Isay,holdingmyhandup.
“Haveyouheardthatone?”
“Everyonehasheardthatone,”Isaywhilestickingaforkfulofmeatloafintomymouth.ThemostdeliciousmeatloafI’veeverhad.SogoodthatIwouldactuallyconsidercomingonanotherdatewithJPjusttohavethismeatloaf…Yeah,sufferthroughanothernightofthis,that’showgooditis.
“Haveyoueverentertainedsuchanadventureasthatsongsuggests?”
MycheeksheatupimmediatelyasIstareattheswirlofgarlicinmymashedpotatoes.“Idon’tseehowthat’sanyofyourbusiness.”
“It’snot,butwehavetokillthetimesomehow,soI’mgoingtoassumefromyourbotheredanswer,thatwouldbeano.”
“Asifyou’vedonesomethinglikethat.”
Hedeliversthatrakishbrowoncemore.Hedoesn’thavetosayanything,thatoneexpressionsaysitall.Hehaslickedfromwell,youknow…
“I’vedoneprettymucheverything,Kelsey,andI’vedelivered…everysingletime.”
“Uh-huh,I’msure,”Isaysarcastically.
Ignoringme,hecontinues,“Ialwaysmakesuremygirlcomes,evenifIdon’t.”
“That’sgreat.”Iofferhimaclosed-mouthsmile.
“I’veevenfakeditatimeortwo,justtogetthehelloutofthere,youknow?”
MyforkpausesmidwaytomymouthasIlookoverourwaterglassesandrightathissmirkingface.“There’snowayyoufakeit.Youcan’tfakesperm.”
“Girlsdon’tcheckthecondom,unlessthat’ssomethingyoudo.”
“Eww,no,gross.Pleasechangethesubject,Ihardlyseehowthisisanappetizingconversation.”
“Sexisalwaysanappetizingconversation.”
“Yes,well,notthedetailsofyouactinglikeyoufakeitandwhat’sinornotinyourcondom.”
“I’mnotactinglikeIfakeit…Ido.”
“Okay,JP.”Igivehimathumbsup.“Goodforyouonyouraccomplishments.”
Hislipsquirktothesidebeforeheliftshisforktohismouth.That’sright,eatupsowecangetthehelloutofhere.Honestly,conversationwiththismanhasbeenonefailureafteranother.Ifelthopewiththemovietopic,butthatburneddownreallyquicklywithhimtearingapartSleeplessinSeattle.AndIwouldneveradmitthistohim,butnowI’mwondering…howwasthatboyabletojustflyacrossthecountrylikethat?
“Fuck,”JPwhispersashegripstheedgeofthetable.Hisforkisrestingonhisplateandhisheadisdownasifhejusthurthimself.
AndbecauseI’mthepersonthatIam,Iask,“Areyouokay?”
HeliftshisheadslightlysoIcanseehisteethrolloverthebottomofhislip.“Mmm,”hegroans.
“Didyoubiteyourlip?Youknow,Idothatsometimes.Itmightdevelopintoacankersore,sobementallypreparedforthat.”
Hisheadfallsallthewaybacknowasheleansbackwardinhischair,handsstillontheedgeofthetablewhilehemanspreads.“Fuck…yes.”
Wait,holdon.Whatishappening?
Heshiftsandclencheshisfistashewetshislips.“Yes,baby,rightthere…mmm,youfeelsogood.”
Myexpressionfalls.
Mynostrilsflare.
Ifoldmyarmsovermychest.
Couldhebeanymoreimmature?
“Areyoureallydoingthis?AreyoureallydoingthescenefromWhenHarryMetSally?”Iask.
“Fuck.Thatmouthofyours.Yes,suckmedeep.”
OhdearGod.
MyfaceflamesasIleanforwardandtapthetable.“Hey,yoo-hoo,youcanstopthatnow.Igetyourpoint.”
Buthedoesn’tstop.Notevenalittle.
Nope,hecontinuestomoan,togroan,tobiteonhislip…movehiships.
“Yes,baby,yourpussyissofuckinggood.Uhhhhh,yes,fuck,Ineedtopumpharder.”
“No,no,that’sokay,nopumpingnecessary,”Isay,butmymindstartstovisualizeandmyneckstartstosweat.
YouareNOTgettinghornyfromthis,youARENOT!
“Shit…”HeslamshisfistonthetableandIwatchinabsolutehorror—andsecretsuspense—ashemovesclosertothetable,hiseyesstillshut,hisheadbentdown.“You’regoingtocome,Icanfeelit,butnotyet,notuntilItellyou,”hegroans.
Iwetmylips.
Crossmylegs.
Lookaway,onlyformyeyestolookbackathim.
Hishandreachesoutandgripshisclothnapkin.Hecrumplesitinhisfist.“Notyet,baby,don’tyoufuckingcome,notuntilIgiveyoupermission.”Hisheadfallsbackbriefly.“Ahh,fuck,goodgirl.Holdit.”
Ilightlypataroundthebaseofmyneckwithmynapkinwhenhe’snotlooking.DidtheyturnofftheACorsomething?What’swiththepressurecookeruphere?
“Jesus,yourpussyissogood,sogood.Yes,fuckmelikethat.Keepgoing,baby.”Heslamshisfistonthetableagainandgroanssoloudlythatitfeelslikeagallonoflavaispouringdownmyspine.
Ibitetheinsideofmycheek,tryingtodistractmyself,butit’snouse.Adullthrobpulsesbetweenmylegs,mypalmsaresweating,andmygazedoesn’tleavehimashegripstheknifeinfrontofhim,poundsitintothetable,andmoanssoloud,IKNOWthepeoplebelowusarewonderingwhatthehellisgoingon
“Mother…fucker,”heshouts.“Come,baby,comeonmygreedycock.”Andthen…hegrindsdownonhisteeth,hisneckveinsbulge,andthemostgutturalsoundfallspasthislips.
Oh.
My.
God.
Mytonguetingles.Mycheeksareonfire.Alightsweatglistensonmyforehead.Didheactuallyjustcome?Because…Imean,thatwassoconvincing,sosexy,so—
“Uh,everythingokayuphere?”Helixasksfromthestairs,startlingmerightoutofmychairandontothefloorwithaloudplop.
JesusChrist,Kelsey,getup.
HumiliationconsumesmewhileIscrambletomyfeet,pressdownonmydress,andstraightenmyspine.“Yes!”Ishout.“Everythingis…yes.We’refine.Nothinggoingonuphere.Just,uh,chattingandwhatnot.Noneedtoworryaboutus.Yup.Nothingfreakyhappening.”
IglanceoveratJP,who’ssmirking,forkinhandwithagiantpieceofmeatloafonthetines.HetipstheforktoHelixandsays,“Mycomplimentstothechef.”Andthenhetakesabite.
Meanwhile,myrandyandreadybodyisoverhere,sendinganSOStotheuniverse,saying,“I’llhavewhatHE’Shaving.”
***
“Areyoureallynotgoingtotalktomefortherestoftheevening?”
Whispering,Iask,“Doyourealizehowembarrassingthatwas?”
“Yeah,reallyembarrassingforyou.Helixsawyouturnedon,nippleshard,readytogo.Notsureifhewasreadyforthat.”
“IwasNOTturnedon,”Isay,eventhoughIthinkweallknowthat’sacompletelie.“You’reactinglikeachild.”
“OramIjusttryingtoloosenyouup?Christ,woman,takeachillpill.”
“Don’ttellmetoloosenup.I’llloosenupwhenIwanttoloosenup.”
Henods,lipslockedinawaythatcommunicatesexactlywhathe’sthinking—she’scrazy.
“Well,guesswhat,I’monlycrazybecauseyou’remakingmecrazy.”
Hisbrowpullstogether.“What?”
Wait…huh?
“Ididn’tsayyouwerecrazy.”
“Thenwhatdidyousay?”
“Nothing.”Heraiseshisglass.“ButnowI’mthinkingyou’recrazy.”
Igroanandrestmyarmsonthetable,crossingtheminfrontofme.“Ugh,thisnightwillneverend.”
“Insteadofcomplainingaboutit,youcouldaskmeanotherquestion,youknow?”
“Thatdoesn’tsoundappealing.”
“Fine,I’llaskyouaquestion.”Heclearshisthroatobnoxiously.“So,tellme,Kelsey,whatareyoulookingforinaman?”
“Notyou.”
“Yourflushedcheeksfrommomentsagobegtodiffer.”
IswearIfeelsteamblowoutmynose.
Smirking,headds,“Youknow,wecaneithersithereinsilence,whichIknowmakesyoumoreuncomfortableandchattierandwillcauseyoutodivulgeinformationyouprobablydon’twantmeknowing.Or,youcancontrolyourbabblingbyansweringasimplequestion.”
Whyisheright?
Justaddittothelistofinfuriatingthingsabouttheman.
“Askmesomethingelse.”
“Okay,whatdoyoufindattractiveinaman?”
Irollmyeyesheavily.“Letmeguess—ifIdon’tanswerthisquestion,youwillfindoneeerilysimilartoask?”
Hegrins.“Yes,andI’llkeepgoingfromthere.”
Idabatmymouthwithmynapkinandthensetitbackinmylap.“Fine,youwanttoknowwhatIwantinaman?Well,firstly,someonewhodoesn’tannoyme,secondly,someonewhodoesn’tpurposefullylie—”
Heslideshishandonthetableandsays,“Kelsey,fromthetoneofyourvoice,italmostseemslikeyou’resuggestingthatIannoyyouandpurposefullylie.”
“Howdidyoueverfigurethatout?Wow,JP,you’reagenius.”
“Jesus,”hemutters.“You’reripetonight.You’vealwaysbeendecentlychill,buttonight,you’reonanotherlevel.”
IsetmynapkinonthetableandfoldmyarmsasIleanback.“Yes,becauseIthoughttonightwasgoingtobedifferent.Ithought…”Inawistfultone,Icontinue,“IthoughtIwasgoingtomeetsomeoneIcouldactuallydate.Ithoughtthiswasthestartofsomethingnew,somethingexciting.Iwasexcitedtogoonadate,butthat’snotwhattonighthasbeen.It’sbeendisappointing,andagiantballofirritation.So,excusemeifI’mnotthedelightfulcompanyyouexpected.”
“You’rereallynot.Imightaskforarefund.Hypercriticalfishwifeisn’twhatIcallagoodfirstdateoramatch,forthatmatter.”
“Fishwife?”Iask.
“Yup.Alreadycalledyouashrew,thoughtfishwifewouldbeagoodsecondoption.”
“Yeah…well,you’rea…you’rea…”
“Awhat?”heasks,hisgringrowingevenwider.
Think,Kelsey,thinkofagoodname.
“Ashortsightedboob.”
Hetosseshisheadback,laughtereruptingfromhislips.“That’sthebestyoucouldcomeupwith?Ashortsightedboob?Shit.”HewipesathiseyesasIgrowmorefuriousbythesecond.“IthinkImightgetthatprintedonaT-shirt.You’reashortsightedboob.Jesus,that’sgood.”
Istareathimashecontinuestolaugh,thenchuckle,thenlaughagain,andwhenhefinallycalmshimselfdown,Iask,“Areyoufinished?”
“Ithinkso.”Hegiveshiseyesonemoreswipe.“Ohman,anymoreofthosegoldeninsultsyouhavestoredaway?”
“Idon’tknow.Doyouhaveanyothernamestocallmeotherthanfishwife?”
“Suredo…uptightgorgon.”
Whatthehellisagorgon?Doesn’tmatter,it’sahideousname,doesn’tfalloffthetongue.
AndtohellifI’mgoingtolethimgetawaywithcallingme…that.
Myeyesnarrow.“Half-crackedignoramus.”
“Fastidiouswench.”
Myjawclenches.“Cynicalninny.”
Hecracksasmile.“Pretentiousstrumpet.”
ThesoundofHelixclimbingthestairsmomentarilydistractsmebeforeIsay,“Callouscockhead.”
Nowhe’sfull-onsmiling.“Simperingconcubine.”
“StrumpetandconcubinewouldalludetomebeingloosewithmylegsandIcanguaranteeyourightnow,there’snothinglooseaboutmyappendages.”
“Uh…everythingokay?”Helixasks,steppinguptothetable.
“Maybeyoushouldbeloose,havesomeonefishthatpoleoutofyourassthatyouseemtobeclenching.”JPcrosseshisarms,lookinglikethecasualbuttholethatheis.
“Wouldyouguyslikethecheck?”Helixasks.
“So,IhaveapoleupmyassbecauseI’mnotfaintingatyourfeetoveryournonsensicaldrivelandsquawkysinging?”
“Squawky?”JPasks,insulted.“Tryagain.There’snothingsquawkyaboutmysinging.”
“Yeah,I’lljust,uh,gograbthatcheck.I’mthinkingdessertisn’tathingtonight.”HelixtakesoffwhileJPandIshareanunwaveringstaredown.
“I’veheardcatsinheatsoundbetterthanwhatI’vehadtosufferthroughtonight.”
“You’resofullofshit.”Hetosseshisnapkinonthetable.“Isawyoubobbingyourhead.”
“Oh,you’recutethinkingthatwasbobbing,moreliketwitchingfromhowhorrendousyousounded.Yousureknowhowtomakesomeone’smusclesfireoffinrevolt.”
“Isthatsupposedtobefunny?Becauseit’snot.”
Iclutchatmychest.“HaveIhurtyourmanfeelings?”
Helixapproachesagainandsetsthecheckonthetable.Bothofusreachforitatthesametime.
“Letgo,”JPsays.
“There’snowayinhellI’mlettingyoupayforthismeal,”Icounter.Hemighthaveruinedthisnight,andI’llforeverhave“Doe,adeer”stuckinmyfreakinghead,buttohellifI’mgoingtolethimpay.
Ohhhhhno.
“OvermydeadandsquawkingbodywillIletyoupay.”
“Hereareyourphones,”Helixsays,soundingnervous.Heshouldbe.Shotshavebeenfired,ourvoicesareraised,we’reengaginginthestaredownofalifetime,andwithonewrongmove,thispowderkegofadatewillexplode.“I’lljustsetthemdownhere.”Heslowlyplacesthephonesonthetable,carefulnottodisruptanything,andthencautiouslybacksaway.
Smart,smartman.
“Fine.”Iletgoofthecheckbutreachintomypursetopulloutafewtwenties.Isetthemonthetable.“There,paidmyhalf.”
“Pickthatfuckingmoneyuprightnow.You’renotpaying.”
“Whynot?Icanaffordit.Yourbrotherpaysmeprettywell.”
“Thisisn’tamoneything.”
“Thenwhatisit?”Icounter.“Apridething?”
“Yeah,IalwayspayforagoddamnmealwhenItakesomeoneoutonadate.”
“Well,youdidn’ttakemeoutonadate,asthiswasanunfortunatecoincidence.Thiswasaloathsome,mind-numbinglypitifultryst.Trustme,ifthiswasarealdate,itwouldnothavegonelikethis.”
“Ifthiswasarealdate,Iwould’vebentyouoverthistableandspankedyourassforthewayyou’vespokentome.”
Myeyeswiden.“Excuseme?”
“Youheardme.”Hepicksupmytwentiesandstuffsthemintohispocketbeforepullingouttwo,one-hundred-dollarbillsanddroppingthemonthetable.There’snowaydinnercostthatmuch.Notevenclose.
Alwaystryingtoshowoff.Ugh,pretentiousprick.
Everyone,pleaseofferJPapplause:hehasmoney,goodforhim.Clearly,hewantstomakeashowofit.
Butbacktowhathesaid.“That’soutrageousbehavior.Noonespankswomenthesedays.”
Hestandsfromthetableandbuttonshissuitjacket.“Clearlyyouhaven’tbeenwiththerightmen.”
Hewalksovertomeandholdsouthishandtohelpmeupfrommychair.Ismackhishandawayandstandmyself.
“I’vebeenwithperfectgentlemen,thankyouverymuch.”
“Andthere’syourproblem,”JPsays,leaningin.“Aperfectgentlemanisn’tgoingtomakeyoucomethewayIcan.”
He’ssocloseIcanpracticallyfeeltheheatcomingoffhisbody.Itwarmsmeandsimmersatthebaseofmystomach,causingaflashofheattopulsethroughmybodyforameresecond,remindingmeofthatinitialattractiononthedayImethim.Butjustasfastasitarrives,itflitsaway.
“Don’tflatteryourself,JP.”Istarttowalkpasthim,butonceagain,justlikeintheconferenceroom,hepausesmewithahandonmyhip.Heleansinclosetomyear.
“Idon’tneedtoflattermyselfwhenit’sfacts.Ifyouwereinmybed,you’dforgetyourname,yourcuntwouldbebeggingformycock,andyourvoicewouldbehoarsefromcryingoutmynamerepeatedly.”
Ihatetoadmitit,butIcanseeit.
Icanfeelit.
Whatitwouldbelikeinhisbed,himhoveringoverme.
He’sdemanding.
Controlling.
Doesn’tletupuntileverylastinchofmybodyhasnothinglefttogive.
Evenwhispered,there’sdemandinhisvoiceand,Icanfeelhowitwouldbe.
Butthatdoesn’tmeanIwantit.
There’sadifferencebetweenromanceandgoodsex.Goodsexlastsanight,whileromancelastsalifetime.
ButbeforeIcanrespond,hestepsawayfromme.Webothmakeourwaydownthestairs,mylegswobblierthanexpected.
Webypassthehostess,whoasksushowourdinnerwas,JPholdsthedooropenforme,andwhenwe’rebothonthesidewalk,JPclosesthedistancebetweenusandputshishandonmyhiponceagain.
“Tonightwasanabsolutesuccubusofvaluabletime.Ihopeitneverhappensagain.”
“Youandmeboth,”Isay,holdingmyheadhigh.“Youwereunpleasantandaself-assuredass.Iwouldratherstickmyheadinagasstationtoiletthangoonanotherdatewithyou.”
“Thepleasurewasnotmine,babe.Hopeyoucomedownwithabadcaseofthetootslater.”
Igaspandlookhimintheeyeashesmiles.“Yeah,well…Ihopeyourpenisgetsstuckinyourzipper.”Imakeasteptowalkawaywhenhegripsmywrist,bringsittohislips,andtomyhorror,placesakissjustontheinsideofmywrist.Hislipspauseforonlyabreath,butit’sjustenoughtimetocausemystomachtoflip-flop,ademoralizingfeeling.
No,body,wedon’tlikehim.
Don’tyoudaregetsuckedinbyhisflippantcharm.
“Ifonlymypenisgotstuckbetweenyourlegsinstead.”Heletsgoofmywrist.“Don’ttriponyourwayhome.”
Andthenwithonehandinhispocket,hetakesoffintheoppositedirection,swaggerineverystep.
God,he’sinfuriating.
“Hopetoseeyounever,”Icallout,forunknownreasons.BecauseIwillseehimagain,intheoffice,becausethat’sthekindofluckIhave.
Sighing,IreachintomypurseformyphonesoIcancallanUberwhenmyhandconnectswithsomepaper.Confused,Iopenmypurseandfindthethreetwenty-dollarbillsIleftonthetable.
Themotherfucker!
***
MeanttoBePodcast
KnoxandEmory
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.KnoxandEmory,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,let’sgetdowntobusiness.Tellus,howdidyoutwomeet?
Emory:College,ourjunioryear.
Knox:ShewasatransferstudentfromCalifornia.
Emory:ItwashislastyearatBrentwoodbeforehewasdraftedtoplayfortheChicagoBobbies.
Knox:Technically,wemetatabaseballparty.Sheshowedmeherboob.
Emory:Thatisnothowitwent.Weweredrunk,Iwaslookingformyfriends,andIaskedhimforhelp.Wewentintohisroom,Ifell,andmyboobpoppedout.
Knox:Iwasenamoredwiththenipslip.
Emory:Iwashorrifiedthenextmorning.Wewentonourmerrywayuntilhespottedmelostoncampus.Hesaid—andIquote—heneverforgetsagoodpairoftits.
Kelsey:OhmyGod.Ha-ha-ha.
Knox:Idon’t.AndIneverdid.Therestishistory.
Emory:Therestisnothistory.Hespentmonthsattemptingtowinmyaffectionsinthemostridiculouswayspossible.
Knox:AndIwonherover.
Emory:Onlytobreakupforeightyears.Butthen…wefoundeachotheragain.
Knox:Iwasn’tlettinghergothattime.Iputaringonitandthen…therestishistory.ChapterFour
JP
“Thereheis,Casanovahimself.”Breakertakesaseatinmyofficeandsmirksatme.“Howwasit?Loveatfirstsight?”
Iunbuttonmysuitjacketandtakeaseatinmyofficechair.Themomenttheelevatordoorsopened,IspottedBreakerwaitingwithato-gocupofcoffeeinhand,lookingforoneperson:me.
Histextmessageslastnightwentunanswered.
IignoredhimasIsaidhellotoourreceptionist.
Ididn’tbothermakingeyecontactwithhimwhenIwasgrabbingmyowncupofcoffeefromthebreakroom.
Andwhenhebargedintomyofficerightafterme,Ichosetonotgrowlinfrustrationathispersistence.
Butnowthathe’ssittingacrossfromme,staringmedown,lookingforarecap,itdoesn’tseemlikeIhaveachoicebuttotellhimaboutlastnight’sdisaster.
Fromtheinsideofmysuitpocket,Ipullmyphoneoutandsetitonmydeskbeforeleaningbackinmychair.“Lastnight?”Isteeplemyfingerstogether.“Well,whenIfirstsawmydate,Iactuallyhopeditwouldgowell,butthatthoughtquicklyvanishedwhensheopenedhermouth.”
“Ohshit,didshehaveascreechyvoice?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,sheletmeknowhowmuchshehatedme.”
Breaker’sbrowdrawstogetherinconfusion.“Whatdoyoumean?Didsheknowyou?”
Islowlynod.“Ohyeah,sheknewme.”
“How?Didyougooutwithheronce?”
“Nope.”Ishakethemouseonmydesk,wakingupmycomputer.“MydatewasKelsey.”
“Kelsey?”Breakerasksindisbelief.“AsinLottie’ssister?”
“Yup.”
“Oh,fuck.”Breakerbustsoutinalong,drawn-outlaugh.Thesoundfuckingirritatesme.“Dude,whatarethechances?”
“Prettygood,apparently.”
“Letmeguess—shewalkedoutoftherestaurantwhenshesawitwasyou?”
“Nope.Becauseoftheprogram’srules,you’reforcedtoeatdinnerwiththepersontheysetyouupwith.Andbecauseweshowedsignsofafull-outmedievalbattle,theyputusintheprivateloft,awayfromeveryoneelse.”
“Andhowdidthatgo?”
“Notgreat.”Iopenmyinboxandamfloodedbyemails.
“Butyousaidyouwereexcitedatfirst.Why?”
“BecauseitwasKelsey,”Isaycasually.“Iknewher,soIdidn’thavetotrytogettoknowastrangerwhenIwasalreadynotinthemoodtobethere.Didn’tthinkitwouldbeuncomfortable,plus…shelookedhot.”Ishrug.“Butallofthatwashedawaythemomentshebeggedmetoleave.”
“Whichshewasn’tallowedtodo,andI’msurethatonlymadeherevenangrier.ShehasthesamefieryspiritasLottie.”
“Yeah,anditshowed.WhenIsayshewasunpleasant,I’mnotkidding.Weendedupfightingtheentiretimeand,sure,Ididn’thelpmatters.Attheendofthenight,wewentourseparateways.”
“Andhowdoyoufeelaboutthat?”Breakerasks.
“Relieved,”Ianswer.“Itwasfuckingexhaustinghavingdinnerwithher.Sure,Ilikesomequick-wittedreparteehereandthere,butwhenIgothome,Ifeltdrained.”
Breakerissilentforamomentashestudiesme.I’msurehe’slookingforsomesortoftellthatI’mlying.He’swonderingifKelseyandIdidhititoffandwe’resecretlydatingnow.
Couldnotbefurtherfromthetruth.
“Whydon’tIbelieveyou?”heasks.
Herewego.
“Dude,trustmewhenIsay—”Istopspeaking,myeyesfallingonanemailfromKelsey.
Subjectline:I’mcomingtoyouroffice.
IbarelyhavetimetoopenitbeforethedoortomyofficefliesopenandKelseystepsin.Theexpressiononherfacereadsirritated,andthewayherhandsclenchathersidesmakesmefeelanxious.ThesurprisedlookinhereyeswhenshespotsBreakercompletelychangesherdemeanorinseconds.
“Breaker,hi.”Shesmoothsherhandoverherhair.“I,uh,Ididn’tseeyouthere.Sorryaboutbargingin.”
Breaker,ofcourse,smiles,showingoffhisfreshlywhitenedteeth.“Hey,Kelsey,heardyouhadquitethenightlastnight.”
Kelsey’smurderouseyesflashtome.“Youtoldhim?”
“Well,he’smybrother,andhewastheonewhoforcedmetogoonthedate,soit’sonlynaturalthathe’daskmehowitwent.”
Composingherself,KelseyturnstoBreakerandasks,“Wouldyougivemeasecondwithyourbrother?”
Hesmirksandstands.“Ofcourse.”
Beforehecanwalkaway,Kelseyadds,“AndIwouldappreciateyourdiscretioninthismatter.”
Breakerpatsherontheshoulderandsays,“Iunderstandtheneedtonotbeattachedbynametohim.IwishIwasn’teither.”
Wow,whatabrother.
Hetakesoffandclosesthedoorbehindhim.IturnmyattentiontoKelsey,whoclosesthedistancebetweenusandtakesaseatinthechairBreakerjustvacated.
“TowhatdoIowethepleasure?”Iaskher.
“Afterlastnight,Ifiguredweneedtotalkabouthowtohandlethis.”
“Handlewhat?”Ipauseandtiltmyheadtotheside.“Oh,hell,didyoufallinlovewithmelastnightandnowyou’retryingtofigureouthowtomuddlethroughworkwhileharboringtheseintensefeelingsaboutme?”
Herfacefallsflatonlyforhertopliptocurlintoasneer.“Ifanyrevelationhappenedlastnight,itmostcertainlyhadnothingtodowithloveandeverythingtodowiththisextremedistasteIhaveforyou.”
“Ooh,distaste.That’sanewone.”Ileanmyforearmsonmydesk.“Pleasedoelaborate.”
“Thisisn’tfunny,JP.”
“Didn’tknowIwaslaughing.”
Hereyesnarrowandshespeaksthroughclenchedteeth.“Youdon’thavetolaughinordertomakealaughingmatteroutofsomethingthat’sincrediblyserious.”
Ipickupapenoffmyveryuntidydesk,adeskthatIknowdrivesKelseynuts.Thetensioninherexpressionisfromourconversation,butthedeathgripshehasonthechair’sarmrestsisundoubtedlyfromtherumpledreportsonmydesk,theaskewpenjarthat’stippedover,andtheunconventionalwayIhavemycomputertilted.
“Okay,tellmewhyoursituationisincrediblyserious,becauseunlessImissedsomething,nothing,andImeannothing,happenedbetweenuslastnight.Well,nothingthatrequiresthislevelofpsychosis.”
“JP,wewentonadatelastnight.”
“Notbyourchoice.”Iclickthepenopenandthenshut.
“Butitstillhappened.Wesharedanintensemeal,andthenafter,whenwewereleaving,yousaid…yousaidsomethings.”
“Oh…thewhole‘Ifyouwereinmybed,yourcuntwouldbebeggingformycock’part?”
Sheswallows,hercheeksheating.“Yes,thatpart.”
“Itwasjustbasicfacts.Nothingtomakenoteof.”
“Well”—shesmoothsherhandsoverherwell-pressed,possiblysteamed,skirt—“itwasinappropriate,andweneedtosetsomegroundruleshere.”
“Thisshouldbegood.”Ilacemyhandstogetherbehindmyheadandsay,“Layitonme—whatarethegroundrules?”
“Well,forone—”
“Realquick,Ijustneedtoputthisoutthere—yourreactioniscompletelyridiculousandoverthetop,butyouknow,toeachtheirown.Yourfeelingsareyourfeelings…allthatbullshit.”Igesturetoher.“Youmayproceed.”
Hernostrilsflare,andIrealizeit’sasmalltickofherswhenshe’supset.“AsIwassaying,ourfirstgroundruleiswedon’tspeakoflastnight,ever.Ididn’ttellLottieandIwouldappreciateitifyoudidn’ttellanyoneelse.”
“AmIthatrepulsive?”
“Yes.”
IchucklebecauseIthoughtshewasgoingtosaynotothatandcomeupwithsomelong-windedexplanation,butgottogivethegirlcreditforherhonesty.
“Ialsodon’twantpeoplethinkingIgetinvolvedwithanymanwhocrossesmypathorthatI’mtryingtoclimbthecorporateladderbyspreadingmylegs.”
“Don’tworry,yoursistercoveredthatone.”
Hereyesnarrowandshepointsherfinger.“Thatwasnothowthatwentdownandyouknowit.”
“You’reright,thatwasuncalledfor.Sorry.”Ifanyonepursuedthatrelationship,itwasHuxley,becausehecouldn’tseemtokeephishandsoffLottie.
Myapologyseemstosatisfyherbecauseshecontinues,“Sowedon’ttalkaboutlastnight,ever.Actlikeitneverhappened.”
“Iwishitdidn’t.”Ismileather,whichonlymakeshergrindherteethtogether.Jesus,talkaboutuptight.Couldsherelaxforlikeasecond?
“JP,Ineedyoutosayyou’renevergoingtotalkaboutit.”
“Christ.”Irollmyeyes.“I’mnevergoingtotalkaboutit.”
Thatappeasesthegremlininsideher.
“Secondgroundrule—therewillbenomoreinappropriatebehavior.”
Ikickmyfeetuponmydeskandleanbackinmychair.“Notsurewhatyou’realludingtowiththatgroundrule.”
“Thewayyouspeaktomeandthelittletouchesneedtoend.”
“YouactasifI’mgrazingyourhandwhenIwalkbyorslidingmyhandtoyourlowerback…orgrippingyourthighwhileattheconferencetable.CorrectmeifI’mwrong,butthathasneverhappened.”
“It,uh…ithasn’t.Butyouknow,thethingsyousayaren’tappropriateforaworkplace,sothatneedstostop.”
“The‘cuntcallingoutformycock’thingwasoutsideofwork.”
“You’vesaidmorethanthatwhileatwork,anddon’tdenyit.”
Ihave.
“Okay,yourwishismycommand,babe.”
“Andnoneofthat.”Shepointsherfingeratmeagain.“Noneofthatbabestuff.I’mKelsey,you’reJP,andthat’sit.Nothingelse.I’mnotyourbabe.”
“Justatermofendearment,butsure,Kelsey.That’showI’llrefertoyoufromnowon,unlessyouwantedsomethingmorealongthelinesof…fishwife?”
Let’spausehereforamoment.I’mnotacompleteasshole…allthetime.I’mreallynot.ButKelseyjusthasthebestreactions,andIcan’tresist.She’ssogoddamnedgorgeous,andit’sfuntorileher.Toruffleherfeathers.
“Youdorealizeyou’retheabsoluteworsttohaveaconversationwith,right?Like…theabsoluteworst,”shesays,herfacewincingwithirritation.
“Ionlyseemtoreceivethatsortoffeedbackfromyou,whichmakesmethinkit’sayouthing,notamething.”
ShepinchesherbrowandIswearshesilentlycountstoten.“Andthirdly—”
“Athirdgroundrule?Wasnotexpectingthat.Totalplottwist.”Ileanbackinmychairagain.“Please,continuetopleasuremewithyourcommands.”
“I’mtalkingtoHuxleyandaskinghimifIcanfallunderhismanagementbecauseourworkingrelationshipisvolatile.”
“Ooh,yousee,Iwaswithyouonpointsoneandtwo,butunfortunately,yourlineofworkfallsundermylineofwork,therefore,thatmakesyoumyemployee.Huxleyisn’tgoingtobothertakingonanothertaskwhenhisplateisalreadyfull.Healsodoesn’ttaketookindlytopeopletellinghimwhattodo,evenifyou’rehisfuturesister-in-law.Andifyoudoapproachhim,allhe’sgoingtodoispullusintoaconferenceroomandaskthatweworkthingsout…infrontofhim.Now,giventherestrictionsthatgroundruleonepresentsus,you’renotgoingtobeabletotellhimthetruthastowhyyoudon’twanttoworkundermeanymore,andthereforehavenovaliditybehindyourcase.Also,you’reonlygoingtopaintyourselfasconfrontationalsinceeveryoneelsethatdoesworkwithmehasgivenmenothingbutravereviews.So…ifyouwanttoembarrassyourselfandshineaspotlightonyourdifficultdisposition,byallmeans,approachHuxley,butifyouwanttoremaininhisgoodgraces,Iwouldsuggestyoudropgroundrulenumberthree.”
ThetensioninherjawisvisiblefromwhereIsit.Iknowthisisn’twhatshewantedtohear,butit’salsotrue.Ifanything,Huxleyisabusinessmanfirstsohecanremoveemotionfrombusiness,whichiswhywe’resosuccessful…somethingKelseyneedstolearn.
“ThenmaybeBreakercoulddoit.”
Ichuckle.“Managingacertifiedorganizerdoesn’tfallunderhisscopeofresponsibilities.He’sthenumbersguy.Organizingandmanagingthedifferentpropertiesisn’twhathedoes.Hatetosayit,Kelsey,butyou’restuckwithme.”
Shecrossesherarmsatherchestandmutterssomethingunderherbreath.
Imoveclosertoherandsay,“Ididn’tquitecatchthat.Canyourepeatit?”
Shelooksmedeadintheeyesandsays,“Idespiseyou.”
“Now,now,now,isthatsomethingyoushouldbesayingtoyouremployer?”
Shestandsfromthechair,grumblingsomemore,andthenputshermanicuredfingeronmydesk.“Fromhereonout,weadheretothetwogroundrules.Doyouhearme?”
“Ido.”Ismirk.“Ihearyouquitewell.”
“Andwe’llonlytalktoeachotherwhenweneedto,andaboutbusinessonly.WhenHuxleyandLottieinviteusover,Iwantyounowherenearme.Don’teventhinkabouttalkingtome.Doyouunderstand?”
“I’mpracticallyshiveringinmyshoes.”
“JP,I’mbeingserious.Doyouunderstand?”
WhatevercausedthismuchanimositytowardmemustreallybeaffectingherbecauseI’mnotsureI’veeverseenanyonethisworkedupbefore,letaloneKelsey.
What’sbehindthisanger?
Theyalwayssaythere’sathinlinebetweenloveandhate—coulditpossiblybelove?
Iholdbackmychuckle.Hell,ifsheheardwhatwasgoingoninsidemyheadrightnow,she’dhavemehungupbytheballs.
Ithinkthere’sonethingclear,though—shewantsnothingtodowithme.Thisentireconversationhasmadethatcrystalclear.
Smilingupather,Isay,“Iunderstandyou.AndIlookforwardtoournewlyestablishedworkingrelationshipwherewedon’tevermentionthehotdatewewentonorthewayyoushiveredwhenItalkedaboutyourcunt,orhowyousecretlyloveitwhenIcallyoubabe.”
There…justonemorejabfortheroad.
Shetossesherhandsupinfrustration,turnsonherheel,andchargesoutofmyoffice,slammingthedoorbehindher.
Thatwentexceedinglywell.ChapterFive
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
PaceyandWinnie
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.PaceyandWinnie,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,tellushowyoumet.
Winnie:Wheretoevenbegin?It’sallkindofwhimsicalifyouthinkaboutit.
Pacey:Ithoughtshewasamurderer.
Winnie:Stopit.No,youdidn’t.Well,Iguessyoudid,butthat’snotthestartofit.IwasdrivingtoBanffinhonorofmylatemotherandgotlostinthemountains.ItwasoneoftheworststormsI’veeverseenandmycargotstuckinmud.Ihadnoreception,soIdecidedtogofindhelp.That’swhenIstumbleduponthecabin.
Pacey:IplayhockeyfortheVancouverAgitators,andeverysummer,afewoftheboysandIdrivetoBanffforsomerelaxation.ItwasourfirstnightthereandWinniecameknockingonthedoor.
Winnie:Iwassoakingwet,andtheminutethedooropened,aflashoflightninglitmeupfrombehind.
Pacey:Itwasabsolutelyhorrifying.
Winnie:Asagroup,wewentbackandforth,attemptingtoshoweachotherthattheyweren’tthemurderingtypesandIwasn’tthemurderingtype.Paceywasreallyquietatfirst.EliHornsby,adefensemanfortheAgitators,wastheonewhowelcomedmeintothehouseandgavemeaplacetostayforthenight.Butthenextmorning,Paceywastheonewhohelpedmefindmycar.
Pacey:Ithoughtshewasbeautifulwhenshewasallwet,butthenextmorning,Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffher.AndIknewIneededtospendeverysparemomentIhadlisteningtoherstoriesandenjoyinghercompany.
***
ThreeWeeksLater
“Wow,sis…that’ssomedress,”IsayasLottiestepsoutofherbathroom.
“Huxgotitforme.Isittoo…booby?”
Myeyesfalltoherveryprominentcleavage,andIwince.“Imean,it’sreallybooby,butyoualsolookhot.Theredisperfectforyourskinandthatredlipcolorissuchagreatmatch.NowIfeellikeafuddy-duddyinmydress.”
Lottiehasthishourglassshapethatanywomanwouldkillfor.Hipsandtits,that’sher.Imighthaveagoodrack,butIamalsomorepetitethansheis.Mycurvesonthebottomhalfaren’tlikehers.Andthissiren-redform-fittingdressshe’swearingshowsoffeverysinglecurve.Anddespitethehemfallingtohercalves,it’sstilloneofthemostrevealingyetexquisitedressesI’veeverseen.
“Stopit.Youlookbeautiful.Ithinktheyellowwasaperfectchoiceanditgoessonicelywithyourfreshcaramelhighlights.”
“Youthinkso?”Iglanceatmyselfinthefull-lengthmirrorpositionedinfrontofLottieandHuxley’sbed.Weallknowthatmirrorisn’tthereforcheckingoutoutfits.Iadjustthedelicatestrapsonmyshouldersandsmoothmyhandsoverthebeautifullyexpensivesilkfabric.Theapronnecklinecutsjustlowenoughforadecentshowofcleavage,whiletheflowy,longskirthasaslittojustabovemyupperthigh,makingmyshortlegslooklongerinmyheels.“God,whyamIsonervous?”
Lottieflipsherhairoverhershoulderandthenslipsonapairofnudeheels.“Probablybecauseyouaskedamanonadatetoaworkeventandyou’reworriedaboutit.”
That’sverytrue.
Edwinishisname.
He’sacomputerprogrammerwhoworksremotelyforamedicaltechcompany.Helovestocook,gotocomicbookconventions,andisquiteeducatedondifferenttypesofbirds.He’sreallynice,andwe’vebeenonthreedates.
Thiswillbeourfourth.
Wedidn’tmeetthroughtheGoinginBlindapp.AftermydatewithJP,Ididn’twanttotakeanychancesonwhomthey’dmatchmewith.Butinstead,wewerebothatacoffeehouse,working.HespilledhiscoffeeandIhelpedhimcleanitup.Westartedchatting,andwell…that’sthat.Someofthegreatestloveaffairsstartbecauseofspilledcoffee,andthisverywellmightbeoneofthem.
AndthebestthingaboutEdwinisthathe’snotJP.He’snothinglikeJP.He’squieter,reserved,withthick-rimmedglassesandamessofcurly,blondhair.Hetoldmehecan’tgrowabeard,sohedoesn’teventry.Andhe’sslimmer,whereasJPobviouslyputstimeinatthegym.Oh…andnotevenonetattoo.
EverythingIneedinlife.WhyonearthamIevencomparinghimtoJP?JPisaworkcolleagueandnothingmore.He’sirrelevant.
“I’mabitnervous.Ilikethisguy.We’veonlybeenoutthreetimes,andsometimeswhenhetalksaboutbirds,itcangetslightlyboring,buthe’ssokindandhedoesn’ttrytopokemybuttons.”
“TheantithesisofJP.”
“Exactly,”Isaywhileexhaling.“NotthatJPandIwereeveranitem,butafterthenightwedon’ttalkabout…which,youdidn’ttellHuxley,didyou?”
“No.”
“Andyou’renotmadthatI’mmakingyoukeepitasecret?ItwasyourfaultItoldyousinceyoukeptpesteringme.”
“Iknow.”Lottieturnstowardme,clutchinhandnow.“AndIlikehavingasecretfromHuxley.Makesmefeelnaughty.Andifheeverfindsout…ooh,Ican’twaitforthepunishment.”
Irollmyeyesand,standingfromthebed,straightenoutmydress,shimmyingthefabricdownmylegs.Lottielooksatmeandsmirks.“What?”Iask.
“NotonlyareyougoingtomakeEdwinfalltothefloor,butJPisgoingtobealloveryou.”
“No,he’snot.Hehasbarelyevenlookedatmeduringthelastthreeweeks.”
“Doesn’tmeanhedoesn’tthinkaboutyou.”
“Willyoustopitwiththat?Heneverevenlikedme…ever.”
“That’snotwhatIheard.Whenhefirstmetyou,youwereallhecouldtalkabout.Butyouweretheonewhoputupthewall.”
“BecauseIworkforhim.”
Lottiegivesmealook.“AndIworkedforHuxley.”
“Yeah,well…youapparentlyhavenomorals,butIdo.”
Shechucklesjustasthere’saknockatthedoor.“Comein,”Lottiecallsout.
ThedoorpopsopenandHuxleystepsin.He’swearingablack,three-piecevelvetsuitwithablacktie,hishairisslickedproperlytotheside,andhisbeardistrimmedjustenoughtonotbemessy,butstillthickenoughtomakeamark.HeexudesconfidenceasheapproachesLottie,hiseyeslockedonherandonlyherasheadjuststheexpensivewatchonhiswrist.
Withoutsayinganything,heclosesthespacebetweenthem,wrapshisarmaroundherwaist,andbringsherupagainsthischest.Iwatchashegripsherchinwithhisforefingerandthumb,forcinghermouthtowardhis,andshegivesinwillingly.Quietly,justaboveawhisper,hesays,“You.Are.Exquisite.I’mgoingtopeelthatdressoffyoutonight,spreadyourlegs,andmakeyoucomeonmytongue.”
Isoftlyclearmythroat,attemptingtocluehiminthatI’mstandingrightnexttomysister.
Hedoesn’tapologize.HesimplypresseshislipstoLottie’sandmoveshishanddowntoherassandgripsittightly.“Fuck,babe,youlooksogood.”
“Well,whatalovelynightforagala,don’tyouthink?”Isay,standingthereawkwardly.
“Mmm,Icouldeasilystayhomeandsitonyourface,ifyouwant,”Lottiesays.
Andthat’smycuetoleave.
“I’mjustgoingto…uh…yeah,I’mgoingtomeetyouguysdownstairs.”
Iscootpastthemandtheirwanderinghands,hopingtheyrealizethey’remyridetotheeventandthatweneedtoleaveinfiveminutes.
AsImakemywaydownthestairstotheentryway,Ican’thelpbutfeelaboutofjealousy.Lottieissoinlove,moreinlovethanI’veeverseenher.She’snotonlyinfatuatedwithHuxley,buthe’sinfatuatedwithher.Possessiveofher.Worshipsher.And,yes,I’mallaboutindependenceandwomenrunningtheworld,butthere’ssomethingtobesaidaboutbreakingtheglassceilingduringthedayandcominghometoamanwho’lldoeverythinginhispowertoremindyouexactlywhoyoubelongto.
LottiehasthatwithHuxley.
WillIeverhavethat?
EdwinflashesthroughmymindasIwalkdownthestairs.Hemightnotbeaspower-hungryanddomineeringasHuxley,buthehastraitsthatexciteme.Forone,wehaveanicetimetogether.Foranother,wecanenjoyasimpleconversation.
Andthekisswesharedtheothernightwhenhewalkedmebacktomyapartmentwas…nice.
Sure,myshoesdidn’tflyoffwhenourlipsmet,butIalsodidn’thateit.
IfI’velearnedanythingfrommypodcast,it’sthatsometimesthetypeofpassionLottieandHuxleyhaveforeachotherdoesn’thappenrightaway,butneedstimetogrow.EdwinandIarestillinthelearningphaseofourrelationship.There’ssomuchmoretimetogrowwhenitcomestopassion.
WhenIreachthebottomstep,Iheadtowardthebenchintheentryway,butjustthenthefrontdooropensandJPwalksin,momentarilystoppingme.
He’sdressedinanavy-bluesuitandblackbutton-upshirt,ofwhichhe’sleftthetoptwobuttonsundone,andhistieisdrapedoverhisneck,looseandmessy.Hishaircurlsoverhisforeheadinjusttherightwaythatmyeyesaredrawntowardthethicknessofhisbrowsandthedarknessofhislashes.
Whenhespotsme,asmirkbarelycrosseshisfaceasheadjustsoneofthecuffsofhisshirt.
Notsayingawordtome,heheadstothestairs,gripstherailing,andshoutsuptoHuxley.“Dude,thevanishere.Getyourassdownhere.”
Tomydismay,becauseI’mcurious,Iask,“Wh-whatareyoudoinghere?”
Heturnsaroundandstartsbuttoninghisshirt.“WhatdoyoumeanwhatamIdoinghere?Samereasonyouare.”
“But…don’tyouhaveyourowntransportation?”
“Don’tyou?”heasks.
“IgotreadywithLottie.”
“Well,Ijustmovedinacrossthestreetandfigureditwouldbemoreeco-friendlytoallridetogether.Anyotherquestions?”
Thatmakesmeshutmymouthveryquickly.
Hemovedacrossthestreet?HowcomeLottieneversaidanythingtome?Andwhichhousedidhemoveinto?Frommemory,Icanrecalltwothatareacrosstheway.Awhiteonethat’sbrightandcheery,andanall-blackhouse.Blackwindows,blacksiding,blackroof.Myguessis…thatone.
Ikeepmygazeaverted,butoutofthecornerofmyeye,IcatchJPadjustinghistieandmakingloopsjustasHuxleyandLottiecomedownthestairs,handinhand,lookingpristineandpolished.IthoughtLottiemighthavemakeupsmearedacrossherfaceandHuxley’shairwouldbeatotalmess.
Whentheyreachthebottom,LottiepatsJP’sshoulderandsays,“Hey,neighbor,”andthenwalksuptome.Givingmeaonce-over,shesays,“Doesn’tmysisterlookbeautifultonight?”
OhGod,Lottie.Why?
ShelooksoverhershoulderatJPwhogivesmethebriefestofglancesbeforesaying,“I’veseenbetter.”
HuxleysmacksJPonthebackoftheheadandmumblessomethingunderhisbreathIcan’tquitehear.Thenheturnstomeandsays,“Kelsey,youlookstunning.I’msureEdwinwillbeveryhappytohaveyouonhisarmtonight.”
ThatpullsJP’sattention.“Edwin?Isthatyourlatestattemptatlove?”
“Thatisnoneofyourconcern,”Isaywhiletakingmysister’shand,moreforsupportthananything.Iwishshehadtoldmewe’dberidingwithJP,becauseIwouldn’thavegottenreadywithher.
Hell,that’sprobablywhyshedidn’tsayanything.Whenoureyesconnect,Icanseetheapologyinthem.
“Ihateyou,”Imuttertoher.
“Iknow,”shesaysback,andtogether,wewalkoutthedoortothevanthat’sparkedoutfront.
It’soneofthosesuperfancyelectricvansthatcelebritiesusewhengoingtotheMetGalasotheirdressesaren’twrinkled.Itcanalsodoubleasanofficeonwheels,whichisoftenwhattheboysuseitforwhentheyneedtobedrivenaroundtownandgetworkdoneatthesametime.
ThedriverholdsthedooropenforusandIstepinfirst,followedbyLottie.Wemaneuvertotheverybackandtakeourseats.
“Youshould’vetoldmehewascomingtonight,”Iwhisper.HuxleyistalkingtoJPatthefrontdoorofthehouse.Fromtheirmannerisms,itseemsasthoughHuxleyislecturingJPaboutsomething.Hopefullyhowrudehejustwas.IfI’velearnedonethingsinceLottiestarteddatingHuxley,it’sthatIearnedanotherpersoninmycorner.Huxleywillalwaysstickupforme.
“Ididn’twantyoutonotgetreadywithmebecausehewasgoingtobehere.Thisisourfirstfancygalatogether.Ididn’twanthimtoruinit.”
“Well,hedid.Imean…he’sseenbetter,whatkindofcommentisthat?”
“Astupidone,becausethat’swhatheis,stupid.Heclearlyhasfeelingsforyouanddoesn’tknowhowtomanagethem.”
“OhmyGod,don’tgivemethatcrap.We’renotinelementaryschool.Hecanactlikeanadultman.”
“I’mnottakinghisside,justtryingtoofferupsomesortofexplanationastowhyhe’sactinglikeatool.I’veseenhimwhenhe’srelaxedandyou’renotaround,andhe’sreallynice,easygoing,andfun.Sure,heteasesalot,butthat’ssortofhisway.Ithinkifyougottoknowhimbetter,you’dseethesamethings.”
“Idon’tneedtogettoknowhimbetter.WhatIknowisenough.”
Theboyswalkontothevan,joiningus,andtheytakethetwocaptain’schairsinfrontofus,butnotbeforeHuxleygivesLottieoneofthemostconsumingglancesI’veeverseen.
Listen,Idon’thaveacrushonmysister’sfiancé,Ireallydon’t,butIhavetosay,thewayhelooksatherisincrediblysexy.Sosexythatattimes,InoticehowattractiveHuxleyis.Iknow,Iknow,Ishouldn’tbethinkingaboutmysister’sfiancélikethat,BUT…ugh,thewayhelooksather.
I’mknockedoutofmyinappropriatethoughtswhenthedrivershutsthedoorandweareonourway.
“Howlongisthedrive?”Lottieasks.
“Twentyminutes,”Huxleyanswers.“It’sattheRiverEstate.”
“Edwinismeetingyouthere?”Lottieasks.
“Yes,”Ianswer.“He’llbeatouchlate,buthe’llbethere.Heactuallyhadtorentasuitfortheeventbecausehedidn’thaveone.Itwascute,andIhelpedhimpickoneoutonline.”
“Whatself-respectingmandoesn’townasuit?”JPasks.
Myeyesflashtothebackofhishead.“Someonewhoworksfromhomeforalivinganddoesn’tgotoeventsthatrequireasuit.”Myvoiceislacedwithattitudeandforverygoodreason.Idon’twantJPpickingonEdwin.Sure,Icanhandlehissnark,butI’mnotsureEdwinhasathickenoughskintohandleit.
“Didyourdatehaveadress?”Lottieasks,takingtheattentionoffme.“Ordidyouhavetobuyherone?”
JPturnsinhischairandsays,“Genesishasmultipledresses,butIstillboughtheroneanyway.”
Wait…what?JPisdatingsomeone?Whendidthishappen?Imean,notthatIreallycare,butIdidn’tthinkhewasthedatingtype,unless…
“Didyouhirehertogoonthisdateaswell?”Iask.
NotsurewhyI’mpokingthebear,butthequestionfliesoutofmymouthbeforeIcanstopit.
“Interestedinmydatinglife?”JPaskswithawiggleofhisbrows.
“No,I’mnot.NotevensurewhyIaskedthat.Probablyjusttogoadyou.”
“Well,foryourinformation,I’vebeendatingGenesisforabouttwoweeksnow.She’sthevicepresidentofMeccaTech.”
“That’snice,”Isay,lookingoutthewindow.“Ihopeyoutwoareveryhappytogether.”
“Weare,thanks.”
“Sheonlyjustkissedhimtheothernight,”Huxleychimesin.
“Dude,”JPbemoans,whichofcoursebringsasmiletomyface.
WhenIglanceatHuxley,hesendsmeawink.IknewIlikedhimformorethanonereason,besideslovingmysister.
JPonceagainturnsinhisseatandasifheneedstosavefaceinfrontofme,hesays,“We’retakingthingsslow.”
“Ididn’task.”Iholdmyhandsup,smiling.“Butyouknow,EdwinandIhavesharedmorethanonekiss.”
Hiseyesnarrow.“Andwerethosekissesanygood?SeemslikeaguynamedEdwinkissesmorelikeacowlickingasaltblockthanwithdesirableaffection.”
“Hekissesjustfine.”Slightlysloppy,butJPdoesn’tneedtoknowthat.
“Whydon’twetalkaboutsomethingelse?”Lottiesuggests.Thetensionisrising,thereforeLottieswoopsinwiththeneedtodiffuseit.I’musuallythatperson,butI’minthetrenches,grenadesbeingtossedaround,andI’msittingback,knockingthemrightbackatthethrower.“Uh,howaboutthewedding?Wehaven’ttalkedaboutthatmuch.HuxleyandIdecidedonabeachwedding.”
“Youdiddecideonthebeach?”Iask,facingmysisternow.“That’ssoexciting.Whendidyoudecide?”
“Justnow…upstairs.HuxleywentbythecoveandrestaurantyouandIlookedattheotherdayandhereallylikedit.”
“Isn’titbreathtaking?”IaskHuxley.
“Itwas.”HiseyesconnectwithLottie.“IcouldenvisionmarryingLottiethere,makingherofficiallymine.”
HiseyessearherwithloveandIinwardlygroanasIgobacktostaringoutthewindow.They’reexhaustingtobearound.
Lottiewasnevertheromantic,betweenthetwoofus.She’sbeentheonesearchingoutsuccess,lookingforvalidationinherwork.Ihappenedtostumbleuponmybusinesswhileseekingoutlove.Iwastheonewhoreadallthebooksaboutromance,watchedallthemovies…hell,Istartedapodcastbasedonlove.
Andyet,I’mloveless,andmysisterisconsumedbyit.
Where’stheluckthere?
Hint—there’snone.
Justwait,EdwinandIwillgetthere.Slowlybutsurely,we’llgetthere.
***
Thevandooropensandcamerasimmediatelystartflashing.
Tonight’sgalaissupposedtobeastar-studdedevent,fullofhigh-societymembersandafewcelebrities.AllproceedsbenefittheChildren’sHospital,andjusttogetthroughthedoors,it’sfivethousanddollarsahead.
CaneEnterprisespaidformyticketandEdwin’swithoutblinkinganeye.
AndtheRiverEstateisagorgeousmansionintheepicenterofBeverlyHills.It’soneofthelargestpropertiesinthearea,withasprawling,circulardriveway,toweringpalmtreeslinedupalongthepavement,andagrandentrancetotheestatefitonlyforroyalty.
Huxleyisthefirsttoexitthevanand,astalkedaboutpriortoarriving,Lottiewillfollowbehindhim,andtheywillwalktheredcarpet,handinhand.JPandIaretofollow,separately.
Lottieoffersmeawinkbeforemovingbymeandheadingoutofthevan.Together,theywalkdownthecarpet,pullingtheattentionawayfromwho’sleft.JustthewayIlikeit.
JPgetsoutnextandbuttonshissuitjacketonceheexits.
Itakeadeepbreathandthenmakemywayout,butjustasIreachthesecondstep,myheelcatchesonsomethingandmybodyfallsforward.
OhGod,no.
Camerasflash,Ilosemybalance,andjustasIstarttoplummetforward,ahandclosesaroundmyelbowandsteadiesmesoIdon’tfall.
MyeyesquicklylandonJP,whosmilesthoughtfully.Underhisbreath,hesays,“Easythere,killer.Wouldn’twanttomakeaspectacleonyourfirstredcarpet.”
AndIdon’tknowwhatthrowsmeoffmore,hiskindgestureofhelpingmeorthesofttoneofhisvoicethatrollsovermeashehelpsmeallthewayoutofthevan.
Eitherway,colormeshocked.Giventhetumultuousnatureofourrelationship,Iwould’vethoughthe’dhavesteppedtothesideandletmelandflatonmyface,onlytogatherthecamerasaroundmetotakepictures.
Look,folks,comecloser,comecloser,seehowshemissedthatstepcompletely?Noticethegravelstucktothesideofhercheek.Oh,oh,wait,yes,zoomin,shebithertongueonthewaydown,attemptingtoholdbackaslewofcursewordsI’veheardhersaybefore.Bealarmed,shesays“fuck.”
“Youokay?”heasks,hisvoicegrowingclosetomyear.
“Ye-yeah.”Istumbleoverthewordsthatseemtobegettinglostinmythroat.He’srightnexttome,shouldertoshoulder,stillholdingmyhand.Anyonewhoisn’tprivilegedtoourhostilebanterwouldassumewe’reacouple.Whichweverymucharen’t.
“Yousure?Youseemunsteady,”hesays,stillholdingmyhandaswewalktowardtheentrance.Thankfully,thankstoLottieandHuxley,nottoomanycamerasarepayingattentiontous.
“Justalittleshaken.”
“Here,comethisway,then,”JPsays,usheringmearoundthegauntletofphotographerstoabackentrancewhereafewcarsareparked,mostlikelyreadytosneakpeopleinandout.
Whenwereachthedoor,JPopensitformeandwe’regreetedbyadoorman.
“JPCane,”JPsays.
Themandoesn’tevenbotherlookingattheclipboardinhishand,hejustoffersusacurtnodandthenletsusinthebackentrance.
Onceinside,wepauseafewfeetawayfromthedoorandIleanagainstthewall,composingmyself.
“God,Ialmostfellflatonmyface.”Ipressmyhandtomychest,takingadeepbreath.JPisadjustinghistiewhenoureyesconnect.“Thankyouforhelpingme.”
“You’rewelcome,”heanswerscalmly.Sweetly.
Areweinsomesortofalternatereality?Because…thisisadifferentsideofJP,oneIdidn’tknowexisted.He’sbeing…nice.There’snosnark,there’snoinsult,noteasing.He’sbeingnormal.DidIactuallytripand,insteadofbeingsteadiedbyhim,fallintosomesortofblackhole?
“Thatcould’vebeenembarrassing,”Isay,pattingdownmydressandcheckingtomakesureeverythingisinplace.
“I’veseenworse.Youprobablywould’vejustfallentoyourknees,aboobwould’vepoppedout,andthenitwould’vebeenblurredinphotos.Notabigdeal.”
“Uh,thatwould’vebeenmortifyingtome.”
“SeemslikeafunFridaynighttome,”hesayswithareassuringsmile.He’snottryingtosetmeoff,he’sjusttryingtohelpmeforget.Hetakesastepforward,leavinglittleroombetweenusashereachesupandtucksastrandofhairbehindmyear.
Hisfingerslinger.
Mypulseescalates.
AndohmyGod,whyamIreactingtohistouch,tohisproximity?
Clearingmythroat,Isay,“Well,Iknowthatmusthavebeenpainfulforyou.Helpingme,thatis.”
HiseyesstudymeandIcanfeelmyselfwiltunderthesteelygazeofhisgreeneyes.JustlikeHuxley’s,they’rehungry,unmistakablyintense,andthere’snothingIcandototearmyeyesawayasmycoretemperaturespikes.Hiscologne—servingmoreasanaphrodisiac—swirlsaroundme,andwhenhetakesanotherstepforward,mymouthgoesdry.“YoumightthinkIdon’tlikeyou,Kelsey,”hesayswithashakeofhishead,“butthat’snotthecaseatall.Iactually—”
“Thereyouare,”callsafemininevoicefromdownthehall.“IsawyourbrothercomeinbutIdidn’tseeyou.Gotalittleworriedyouweregoingtostandmeup.”
JPlookstotheleft,whereabeautifulblondeinabrilliantlysparklinggoldgownisstanding,lookingnervousbutalsogenuineatthesametime.
“Hi,”shesaystome.“I’mGenesis.”
“Oh,hi.”IwavewhileJPputssomedistancebetweenus,andfromthecornerofmyeye,Icatchhimpullonthebackofhisneck,hisveinsstraining.“Genesis,it’snicetomeetyou.I’mKelsey.”
“Kelsey,asinthesustainableorganizerKelsey?”
Ismilepolitely.“Thatwouldbeme.”
“Wow,I’mreallyimpressedwithyourwork.JPwasshowingmethekindsofchangesyou’vemadeintheofficetheotherday.”
IglanceatJP.“Youhave?”That’s…shocking,tosaytheleast.Ididn’tthinkJPevencaredwhatIdidundertheguiseofmyjob.Inallhonesty,Iassumedhethoughtitwasjustabunchofwastedtimeandresourcesfromthewayheapproachedmanagingme.Fromthemoreefficientfiling,tothecansofwaterinthebreakroom,Ididn’tthinkhecared.
“Ohyes,hetalksaboutitallthetime.He’sveryimpressedbyyou.”
Okay…
Okay,everyone.
Let’salltakeacollectivebreath,becauseItruly,trulythinkI’minadifferentworldrightnow.Whatonearthishappening?
JPCanetalksaboutmeallthetime?Betteryet,he’simpressed?That’snotlikehim,somemightevensayquiteoff-brandforhim.Impressed?No,morelikeirritatedbymypresence,right?
“Youknowwhat”—JPstepsupnexttoGenesisandputshishandonherback—“IthinkIhavetogreetacoupleofpeople.Genesis,doyoumindcomingwithme?”
“Notatall.”GenesisloopsherarmthroughJP’s.“Kelsey,I’dlovetotalktoyoumore,pleasefindmethisevening.”
“Sure.”Ismile.“Enjoy.”
Together,Iwatchthemwalkaway,downthehallandtowardtheparty.
Whatthehellwasallthatabout?
ItalmostseemedlikeJPcaredaboutme.Likehedidn’twanttoseemefail,thatheactuallythoughthighlyofmytalents.
MaybeI’mjustdelirious.There’snowayJPhasanykindfeelingstowardme
None.
Thedoortothesideentranceopensagain,andthistime,afamiliarfacesmilesatme.
“Kelsey,”Edwinsaysrightbeforepushinghisglassesbackuphisnose.“Boy,amIgladtoseeyou.Didyouseeallthecamerasoutthere?”
Ichuckleandnod.“Yeah,Ialmostfellonmyfaceinfrontofthem.”
“Thatwould’vebeenatravesty.”
“Tellmeaboutit.”
HewalksuptomeandIhalfexpecthimtoreachoutandatleastgivemeahug,maybeakissonthecheek,butinstead,hepatsmeontheshoulder.“That’sanicecolordress.”
Anicecolordress?That’sallhecansayaboutmyappearance?Ispentagoodtwohoursgettingreadytoday.Curlingmylong,thick,freshlyhighlightedhairisthemaintimesuck.AndthenmeticulouslymakingsureIpickedouttheperfectlingeriethatwouldaccentuatethisdress,tomakemybreastslookamazing,andleavenoquestionifthere’sapantyline.
Hint—thereisn’t.
AndthecomplimentIgetisnicecolor?
Thatmakesmefeel…sad.
Growingup,Ididn’thavethehighestself-esteemwhenitcametomybody,becauseIwasalwayscomparedtoLottie,thegoddesswithcurves.I’vetriedhardtomakemyselffeelbeautiful,andit’sbeenajourney.Andmyinsecuritiescoupledwithmyinabilitytobeinarelationshiphavetakentheirtollonme.
Tonight,withJP’scommentandnowEdwin’s…myinsecuritiesareticklingthebackofmymind,tellingmeI’mnotgoodenough.ChapterSix
JP
“DidyouhearwhatIsaid?”Genesisasks,tuggingonmyarm.
“Hmm?What’sthat?Sorry.”Iclearmythroat.“It’sloudinhere.”
“Itis,”shesoftlysays.“ButIcan’thelpthinkthatyou’vebeendistractedallnight.”
BecauseIhavebeen.
I’vebeendistractedbyglimpsesofayellowdresssweepingthroughthecrowd.AyellowdressthatIcan’tseemtogetoutofmyheadeversinceIfirstcaughtsightofitthisevening.Aform-fittingcreationthatwrapsaroundherwaistbutdrapesdowntoherankles,andthedelicatestrapsthatholduphermouth-wateringtits,andthatslit…fuck.I’dlied.Kelseyhadlooked—looks—stunninginherdress.WhyonearthIsaidotherwise…well,myfuckingstupiddefensemechanism.
Don’tsayyoulikesomeone,becausethenyou’llnevergethurt.Fuckingidiotic.
But,yeah,Ihaven’tbeenpayingattentiontoGenesisbecausesomeoneelsehascompletelycaptivatedme.AndIhatethat.
FuckdoIhatethatshehascontrolovermyheadtonight.
Afterthe“groundrules”sheset,IchalkedupanychancesofbecomingclosewithKelseytoabsolutelyzero.Andsure,didIassistinthatzeropercentchance?OfcourseIdid,andI’mnotgoingtopretendIdidn’t.Iuseinstigationasadefensetechnique,toguardmyself.Kelseyisnoexception.
She’sthefirstgirlI’vehadmore-than-one-nightinterestin.FromthemomentImetherintheconferenceroomwithLottie,whentheywerepitchingtheirorganizingservices,Ifelttheneedtogetclosertoher.Tofindoutwhothisstrong-willed,intelligent,womanis,whatmakeshertick,whatbringsherjoy…whobringsherjoy.
AndI’vetriedeverythingyoucouldthinkoftobreakdownherwalls.
I’veattemptedfriendship,whichwasacompleteshitshow.
I’vetriedflirting.Iwasknockeddownapegortworatherquickly.
Itriedsarcasm,wit,andwell…thatdidn’tgooverwelleither.
Onthedate,Irevertedtomylastresort,pokingherwithannoyance.Ithinkweallknowhowthatendedup—afollow-upthenextdaywithgroundrulesonhowtostaythehellawayfromher.Instructionreceived.
I’mnotonetopushagainstthetide,IknowwhenI’msimplywastingmytime,sowhenImetGenesisatameetingatMeccaTechandwegotonwell,Ididn’thesitatetogivedatingashot.She’ssmartandbeautiful,andweseemcompatible.
WhenKelsey’sworkingatCaneEnterprises,I’vebehavedprofessionally,keptmyeyesdownunlessaskedadirectquestion,myheartguarded,andavoidedinhalingKelsey’sflirtyperfume.
It’sworked.
Allofit.
Untilshewalkeddownthosestairstonight.
Untilherhandlandedinminewhensheexitedthevan.
UntilIhelpedherintothebackentranceoftheestateandcaughtarareglimpseofhervulnerability,somethingshekeepsverywellhidden.
Now,I’madesperate,needyassholealloveragain.
“Sorry,Genesis,”Isaysoftly.“Workeventsarealwaysstressful.Eventhoughit’ssupposedtobeafunnightout,Istillhaveeyesonmeatanygiventime.”Verytrue—I’malwaysstifferatworkevents.
CaneEnterprisesisalwaysunderscrutinybecauseofhowpowerfulwe’vebecome.Ourcompetitorswouldlikenothingmorethantoseeuscrumbleandfall.
“Icantotallyunderstandthat.Thepressureofbeingoneoffewfemalevicepresidentsinthetechworldisintense.Feelsthesameway,everyoneiswaitingformetomakeamistake.”
“Sorryforinterrupting,”awaitersays,comingtostandbeforeus.“Butthey’recallingeveryonetotheirassignedseatsasdinnerisabouttobegin.”
“Ofcourse.”InodatthemanandthenoffermyarmtoGenesis.Shetakesitandtogetherwewalkintotheballroomoftheestate.
TheroomisbustlingwithBeverlyHillselitesdressedintheirfinest.FromTomFordsuitstoobscuredesignergowns,theglitterandtheglamoftheeveningalmostovershadowthecause,thereasonwhywe’rehere.Typicalformosteventsinthispartoftown.Youpayafeetoattend,andthentherestofthenight,businessisconducted,gossipisspread,anddealsaremadewithadiscreethandshake.
Butnotthisevent.It’soneofthereasonswhymybrothersandIattend.Rightafterdinner,theyremindguestswhywe’reallherebyshowingaverypoignantvideo.Avideoaboutwhereyourmoneyisgoing,whomyou’rehelping,andwhyit’ssoimportant.Younotonlyleavefeelingfulfilled,butyouleaveeducatedandwithaslightlylighterwallet
Afterreceivingourtablenumberfromthedoorattendant,weweavethroughthegoldenballroom,whichisdeckedoutwithlow-hangingchandeliersovereverylong,rectangulartable.Eachtableisdecoratedwithlow-profile,lushcenterpiecesofwhitelilies,completeplacesettings,andgoldserviettesthatmatchthegoldintheroomandthegoldenswirlsinthecreamtablecloths.Anexquisite,intimatedinnerthatprovidestheopportunityforattendeestocommunicateeasilyacrossthetable.
“Whattableareweagain?”Genesisasks.
“Tabletwo,”Ianswer.“It’llbeupfront.Theyalwaysstickusupfront.”
We’restoppedbyafewattendeeswhoshakemyhand.IintroduceGenesis,shehandsouthercard,andwhenwefinallymakeittoourtable,I’mreadytodropthesmileforasecondandjustbreathe.
That’suntilIseethattheonlyplacesettingavailableisdirectlyacrossfromKelseyandherdate.
Fuckinggreat.
Iscanthetable,andwhenIseeasmirkingBreakerglanceupatme,Iwonderhowmuchofthisseatingarrangementwasbecauseofhim.
“Seemslikewe’rerightoverhere.”IdirectGenesistothetableandpulloutherseatforher.
Forabriefsecond,myeyesconnectwithKelsey’s,butshequicklylooksawayandadjuststhesilverwareinfrontofher.Well,seemslikethemomentwehadatthebackentranceisgone.Probablybetteroffsinceshe’swithher—wait,isthatherdate?
Aganglymanwithglassesandfrumpyhairisperchednexttoher,fidgeting,andpushinguphisglasseseveryfewseconds.Helooksveryoutofplace,ratheruncomfortable,andhisill-fittedsuitpracticallyswallowshisneckinhisseatedposition.
ThisisEdwin?
ThisistheguyKelseyhasbeenseeing?
IthinkIknowenoughaboutKelseytoknowthisguy—justfromappearance,yeah,I’mjudging—isanabsolutedud.
“Genesis?”Edwinsaysashiseyesconnectwithmydate.
GenesisglancesacrossthetableasItakeaseatandthenaudiblygasps.“Edwin,ohmygosh.Wow,howareyou?”
KelseyandIexchangeconfusedglances.
“Youtwoknoweachother?”IaskGenesis,who’snowleaningoverthetabletoreachoutandtakeEdwin’shand.Hegripsittightly.
“I’mgreat,”Edwinresponds,bothofthemignoringme.“Youlook…wow,youlookstunning.”
IcatchKelsey’sreactiontothecompliment.Aturned-downbrowandaninsecurelookinherexpression.What’sthatabout?Surelysheknowsshe’sgorgeous.
“Thankyou.You’vegrownoutyourhair.Ialwaysthoughtyoulookedexceedinglyhandsomewithlongerhair.”
Iclearmythroatratherloudlyandrepeatmyquestion.“Youtwoknoweachother?”
“Oh,sorry,yes.”GenesisreleasesEdwin’shandandturnstowardme.“EdwinandIattendedUCLAtogether.Wewereinthesamestudygroupallfouryears.Wespentmanylatenightsstudyingtogether.”
“Rememberthatonenightinthelibrarywhenwesnuckicecreaminourbackpacks?”
Genesislaughs.“Forhowsmartweare,thatwasreallydumb.Therewasicecreamalloverourbooks.”
“HowwerewesupposedtoknowweweregoingtobestoppedbyProfessorHarkinforhalfanhour?”
Genesischuckles.“Icanstillrememberthelookonyourfacewhenyoupulledyournotebookoutofyourbackpack,drenchedinstrawberryshortcakeicecream.”
“ThankgoodnessyouwereabetternotetakerthanIwassoIcouldcopyyoureverypage.”
“Well,anythingforyou,Edwin.”Shewinks,andIcanfeelmyirritationstarttoclimb.“WhatareyoudoinghereinLA?IthoughtyouwereupinSanJose?”
“Iwas,butthreemonthsago,Imoveddownheretobeclosertofamily.”
“Edwin,youshould’vecalledme.”
Heblushes,actuallyfreakingblushes.“Iwasn’tsureyou’dwantmetocallyou.”
“Areyoukiddingme?Ofcourse,Iwould’vewantedyoutocallme.”Andthen,theyfallsilentastheystareateachotherfromacrossthetable.
Sparksfly.
Justlikethat,theairisthickwithanintimatehistory.
AndIcanhonestlysay,withoutadoubt,thisdoesn’tlookgoodformeorKelsey.
***
“Ohmygosh,Icompletelyforgotaboutthat,”Genesissays,cuttinghersaladintomoremanageablebites.“Thebaseballteamhadnoideayoucouldactuallyhitaball,letaloneofftheirbestpitcher.”
ThenowverylivelyEdwindustsoffhisshoulders.“Sometimesthenerdcanplayalittlesporttoo.”
“Andgettheladies,”Genesissayswithawink.
KelseypusheshersaladtothesidewhileIdabmymouthwithmynapkin,notsurehowtocontributetothisconversation.
AllIcanthinkofishowathletesusuallydon’tusethephrase“playalittlesport.”
***
“Wow,Iamsoimpressedwithyourightnow,Edwin.”Genesissmilesbrightly.
“Impressedwithme?”Edwinsays,pointingthetipofhisforkathischest.“You’retheonewho’sthevicepresidentofMeccaTech.”
Genesiswaveshimoff.“Butyou’vechangedthemedicalfieldinthebestwaypossible.”
“Whatdidyoudo?”Kelseyasks,attemptingtobuttintotheconversation.Butlikeeveryotherattempt,she’sbrushedoff.
“Ithoughtaboutyou,thenightIgotmyaward,”Edwinsays.“Iconsideredcallingyou.”
“Youshouldhave.Iwould’veansweredinaflash.”
Aflash,huh?
Well,shetakesatleastafewhourstoanswermytextmessages.
NotsurewhyIdivulgedthatdeprecatinginformation,butthereyouhaveit.Clearly,I’mnotasimportantasEdwin.
***
ItakeaverylargebiteofmydessertasGenesislaughssoloudIfeellikestuffingherhalf-eatenpieceofbreadintomyeartodrownoutthenoise.
“Thepantsareintheoven,ohmyGod.”Genesiswavesherhandinfrontofherface,wardingoffhertearsoflaughter.
Thejokeisn’tthatfunny.
Thepantsareintheovenbeingthepunchline…honestly,Idon’tevengetit.
Andfromthelooksofit,neitherdoesKelsey,who’smindlesslysippingherwater,lookingaroundtheballroom.
“Iknewyou’dlikethatone,”Edwinsays.“You’vealwayshadagreatsenseofhumor.”
“Youalwaysknowhowtomakemelaugh,”shereplies.
JesusChrist.
Barf.
***
“Wait,soChristieandMattbrokeup?”Genesisasks.“Ithoughttheyweremeanttobetogetherforever.”
Clearly,theyweren’t.
“ChristiewascheatingonMatt,”Edwinsays.
Ooh,now…thisissomejuiceIcangetonboardwith.Let’sdiveintothespecifics.
“What?”Genesisasks.“ButshetoldmeMattwasthebestshe’deverhad.”
“Itwaswithherstrengthcoach,”Edwinsays.
“Wait…StrengthwithSven?Him?”Genesisasks.WhenEdwinnods,sheslapsthetable.
“HaveyouseenhisInstagram?Hehasa‘fansonly’page.”
Whichcouldprobablymeanonething:poorMatt’speniswaseclipsedbySven’smostlikelymammothofacannon.
I’mnotparticularlythrilledaboutbeingignoredthisentirenight,butthegossipaboutMattandChristiehasatleastcapturedmyinterestforasecond.Don’tknowthepeople,buttheiradulterygossipismoreentertainingthanEdwin’slacklusterjokes.
Doesn’tseemlikeeveryoneisaskeenontheMatt-and-Christiedramathough.WhenIglanceoveratKelsey,Ispotherleaningonthetable,herchininherhand,lookingwearierthanever.I’mtryingnottoletthisgirlgetinmyheadagain,butIactuallyfeelbadforher,seeinghersobored.
Seemslikethere’sonlyonesolutiontothisunconventionalevening,onesolutionthatwillmakethissituationslightlymorebearable…
***
“WhyonearthwouldyouswitchseatswithEdwin?”Kelseyasksthroughclenchedteeth.NotsureI’veeverseenawomansoperfectlypoisedandballisticallyheatedatthesametime.
Well…Ithoughtthiswasgoingtobeagoodidea.Onceagain,I’mprovenwrong.
“IswitchedwithEdwinsoatleastwedidn’thavetohearabouttheoldUCLAdaysanymore,”Ianswerwhileleaningbackinmychairandstaringaroundtheballroom.
ThepresentationabouttheChildren’sHospitaljustended,andforasecond,Ithoughtthatwasgoingtobeourout,thatoncethelightsturnedbackon,IwouldbeabletosneakGenesisawayandbringherattentionbacktome.Oncethepresentationwasdone,however,Edwinleanedacrossthetableandstartedramblingonaboutthecoffeeshoptheyusedtogotoallthetime.
Fuckingboringshit.
Icouldn’tsitthroughitanymore,soIswitchedseatswithhim,whichhegladlyjumpedon.AndnowthatI’msittingnexttoKelsey,I’mwonderingifthatwasagoodideaafterallandifIshouldn’thavejuststuckoutthemonotonyoftravelingdownmemorylanewithGenesisandEdwin.
Didn’tanyoneeverteachthemignoringtheirdatesisjustfuckingrude?
But,no,nowI’mstuckwithaprickly,unappreciativewomanwhobarelylooksmyway.
HereIwas,tryingtobeaGoodSamaritan,helpadamselinboilingdistressandcometoherrescue,maybegivehersomeonetotalkto,butclearly,she’dratherstareoffintothedistanceandlistentoareminiscingEdwinthantalktome.
IfIwereabetterman,I’dsitinsilencewithher.
ButIthinkatthispoint,weallknowI’mnotgoingtoallowthatattitudetoslide.
LeaninginclosetoKelsey,Iwhisper,“Doyouactuallylikethatguy?”
Thechill,ice-queenfa?adearoundherwarms—onlyslightly—assheshrugsandcasuallyexamineshernude,manicurednails.“Ithoughthewasnice.”
“Isthatwhatyou’relookingfor?Nice?”
“I’mnotlookingforanasshole,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking,”shesayswhilegivingmeaonce-over.
“Areyoucallingmeanasshole?”
“Iftheshoefits,JP.”
IleaninsoonlyshecanhearmewhenIsay,“Theshoeabsolutelydoesnotfit.Ifyouactuallygottoknowme,you’dseethatI’mmorethanwhatyouassumeofme.”
“Idon’tagree.Youcan’tseemtotakeanythingseriously,whichIthinkisobnoxious,you’remessy,somethingIabhor,andyouseetheglassashalfempty,ratherthanhalffull.”Shecrossesonelegovertheotherandrestsherhandsonherlap.
Well,isn’tshejustafuckingballoffun?
“Isee,”Ianswer.Notthedefinitionofanasshole,butitwouldprobablybeasshole-ishformetopointthatout.
Shehasmeallwrong.Sure,mydeskismessy,butthat’sthewayIfuckinglikeit.AndImightbeobnoxious,butIcan’thelpthewayIseekattention.It’sinmybonesandIshouldn’tbechastisedforthat.Andtheglasshalfempty?That’scalledbeingarealist.
I’mnotgoingtoparadearoundthinkingtheworldismadeupofpuppy-and-kittypartieswherefancifulParisiandessertsareservedandromanticcomediesblastonrepeatasbackgroundmusic.
Sorry.
I’vebeenthroughtoomuchshitgrowingup,beingsuckedintoaprofessionIneveraskedforandendingupstuckwithnowayout,tosithereandsay,yes…I’mlivingaglass-half-fulllife.
Imighthavemoney,butwhattheysayistrue—moneycan’tbuyhappiness,andthat’sthemosthonestthingI’veeverheard.
I’mnotsurehowshedevelopedsuchalowopinionofme,butitseemstohavestuckwithher.
Okay,Iknow…Iknow,Iwaskindofadickonoursurprisedate,butwhatwasIsupposedtodo,sitbackandletheractlikeit’stheworstthingeverthatshewaspairedwithme?Aguyhastosavehisdignitysomehow.
Justthen,EdwinstandsfromhischairandtakesGenesis’shandinhis.TurningtoKelsey,heasks,“WoulditbeallrightifItookGenesisoutforaspinonthedancefloor?”
Hell,thefuckingballsonthisman.
HereIthoughthewasabitcowardlywithapenchanttotouchhisglasseseverysixseconds,butthenhegoesandpullsthisstunt.Takesamassiveamountofdoucherytodosomethinglikethis.Ididn’tknowhehaditinhim.
“Ofcourse.”Kelseykindlysmiles,butthatsmileisquicklywipedawaywhenthehappy“couple”turnawayandheadtothedancefloor.
“Oof,thathasgottosting,”Isay.
“Uh,hestoleyourdate,soI’mnottheonlyloserhere.”
Ishrug.“Iwasn’ttooattachedtoher.Honestly,IjustbroughtherbecausemybrotherssaidIshouldhaveadate.”
“ThenhowcomeBreakerdidn’tbringanyone?”
Iglanceoveratmysinglebrother,who’sentertainingacircleofwomen.“Becausehe’sabletopassofftheappearancethathe’swithsomeone,whenreallyheisn’t.Youngerbrothershowmanshiptypeofstuff.”
Shefoldsherarmsoverherchestandsays,“Thisnightisstupid.”
“Tellmehowyoureallyfeel.”
“I’drathernot.”
“Whynot?”Iask.“We’rebothhere,havebeenditchedbyourdates.Mightaswelldelightineachother’scompany.”
“There’snothingdelightfulaboutyourcompany.”
Jesus,she’ssnappy.Goodcomeback,though.Gottogivecreditwherecredit’sdue.
“So,whatwassodelightfulaboutEdwin’scompany?Beforehelitupwithanonslaughtofmemories,heseemedlikeabitofabore.”
“Hewasn’tboring,”Kelseysays.“Justdifferent.”
“Different?Howso?”
Warmingupabitmore,sheanswers,“Well,helikesbirds,andIfoundthatfascinating.Notthebirdfacts,thatactuallywasabitroughattimes,butthathewassointunewithnaturethathecouldrecognizespecificbirdchirpsofeachspecies.”
“Isthathowheluredyouintohisbed?Chirpingandflappinghisarms?”
Kelsey’seyesdarttomineinadeathlystare.“Foryourinformation,weneverwenttobedtogether.Justakiss.Andhe’snotageekwhospeaksbirdtounhookabra.Hejustlikestotellstories.”
“Gatheredthatfromthemundaneconversationhesharedoverthetable.”
“AsifGenesiswasanybetter,”Kelseysnaps.“Whatdidyouevenseeinher?”
“Stature,”Ianswerhonestly.
“Eww,that’srepulsive.”
“AtleastIwaswithsomeoneforapurpose.YouwerewithEdwinbecauseyouweredesperate.”
Shegaspsandnowfullyturnstowardme.“Iwasnotdesperate.I’mtryingtofindmysoulmate,youknow,someonetofallinlovewith,notthatyoucouldeverrelatetothatkindofemotionwiththatcold,lifelessheartofyours.”
Ipressmyhandtomychestandsay,“Lifeless,notsomuch.There’squiteasteadypulsebeatingthroughmysoullessveins.Cold,though,nowthat’sanaccuratedescription.”Whensheturnsaway,Ipushheralittlemoreandask,“Whatdidhethinkofyourdress?”
Sheglancesatmeoverherbareshoulder.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“WhenEdwinsawyoutonight,didhewaxpoeticabouthowyouremindedhimofhisfavoritechickadeeperchedamongstafieldofflowers?”
“Hedidnot.”Sheliftsherchin.
“Okay,sothenwhatdidhesay?”
“Whydoesitmatter?”
“Becauseyousayyou’relookingforlove.Asimplereactiontoyourappearancetonightwouldwarrantyouanansweronwherehestandswithyou.Whatdidhesay?Asimpleyou’rebeautiful?Maybeashy…wow?”
Herclenchedjawworksbackandforthasshestaresatthedancefloor.“HesaidIwaswearinganicecoloreddress.”
“And?”Iask.
“Thatwasit.”Shepicksupherglassofwaterandtakesasip.
“Wait,that’sallhesaid?Thatyouhadonanicecoloreddress?”
ShecarefullysetsdownherglassandIcanseeherbittermovements,thewaysheclenchesherfists,andthelonginginhereyesasshestaresateachcoupleonthedancefloor.
Idon’tknowhowlongshetooktogetreadytonight.
Ican’timaginewhatshewentthroughpickingouttheperfectdress.
NorcouldIimaginetheexcitementshefeltaboutherdateseeingher—becauseshe’savision.
ButI’vewatchedKelseyforseveralmonthsnow,andIknowwhenshe’sannoyed,andprobablywhenshe’shurt.SoI’msureaboutonething—thetimeshespentgettingreadyfortonightwasenoughtimetowarrantabetterreactionthannicecoloreddress.AnditmakesmefeelevenshittierfortellingherI’dseenbetter.Shit.ChapterSeven
KELSEY
Iwishhe’dleavemealone.
IwishIhadn’tbeenlefthereatthetable,withJPastheonlypersontotalkto.
Hell,IwishEdwinhadanounceofself-awarenessanddidn’tleavemehanging,especiallysinceIwastheonewhobroughthimhere.
Butthat’snotmyluck,isit?And,ofcourse,duringthepresentation,IgotatextfromLottie,whohasbeenMIAthisentireparty.SheandHuxleywereheadedbacktothehouse.Thiswasfollowedbyaneggplantemojiandthreesquirtingdrops.ShealsotrustedEdwinwoulddrivemebacktoherplacetopickupmycar.
Ifonlysheknew.
“Iaskedyouaquestion,”JPsaysnexttome.
Lostinthought,Isay,“Uh…whatwasthequestion?”
“Edwin,allhesaidwasthatyouhadanicecoloreddress?”
Oh,yes,we’restillonthat.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
HepausesandIcanfeelhiseyesonme.Infact,theyhaven’tleftmesinceheswitchedseatswithEdwin.Hisgreenirises,focusedcompletelyinmydirection,likeanaggingmother,tappingmeontheshouldereveryfewsecondswithquestionsIdon’twanttoanswer.Shouldn’thebelookingtowardthedancefloortoreclaimhisdate?Hisbeautiful,sweetdate…whodefinitelyseemsmoreintoEdwinthanJP.So,soweird.
“Fine,then…”Heholdsouthishand.“Comedancewithme.”
Iglancedownathislargepalmandlongfingersandthenbackupathim.“Excuseme?”
Leaninginclose,hiscolognesoftandseductiveasitswirlsaroundme,hesays,“Dancewithme.”
Okay…
DancewithJP.IcanlistmorethanenoughreasonswhyIdon’twanttodothat.
One—beingheldbyhimisattheverybottomofthingsIwanttodo.
Two—Ican’timagineascenariowhereIdon’taccidentallykneehiminthecrotchforsomethingannoyinghe’llsaywhilewedance.
Andthree—hiscologneisfartooenticingatthemoment.Ilikethesmellofit,whichwouldpossiblymakemethinkpositivelytowardhim,andIdon’twantthat.Iwanttoforeverthinkhe’stheworst.
But…
Prideisafunnything.
Icametothisgalawithalltheintentionofgettinglostinaneveningwithaniceguy.Iassumedwe’dtalkaboutthedifferentnestseachoneofEdwin’sfavoritebirdsmake,Iwouldhaveafewglassesofchampagneandhopethatmaybe…justmaybe,Edwinwouldhaveenoughconfidenceinhimselftotrytoatleastpushmeagainsthiscarandmakeoutwithme.
Ithinkweallcanagreethatsuchimaginedeventswon’tbetranspiringtonight.Idon’twanttobethegirlthatwasditchedattheevent.Idon’twanttobethegirlinthenicecoloreddress,andIdon’twanttoleavethiseveningfeelinglikeIwasthelastgirlpicked…ifthatmakessense.
Iwanttofeelvalued,andeventhoughtakingthehandofJPCanewouldbelikeconductingawaltzwiththedevil,I’mdesperate.
“Youknow,itwouldberudetosayno,”hesays.“Whenamanoffersadance,it’sthepolitethingtodototakehishand.”WhenIdon’tsayanything,headds,“Youcan’tpossiblyjustsitherelikeawallflowertherestofthenight.”
Myeyesflashtohis.“Wow,yousureknowhowtowooawoman.”
Hesmirks.“Thankyou.”
“Thatwasn’tacompliment.”
“Feltlikeonetome.”
Couldhebeanymoreinfuriating?
Wait,don’tanswerthat.I’msurehecan.
Ugh,God,Ican’tbelieveI’mdoingthis.
Iplacemyhandinhisandwatchashisfacelightsupwitharakishgrin.
“Goodchoice,Kelsey.”
RememberwhatIsaidaboutthewhole“kneeinginthecrotch”thing?Chanceshavejustincreased.
He’sthefirsttostandfromhischairandthenhehelpsmeupandushersmetothesidesohecanpushourchairsin.
Forsomereason,itfeelsasifeveryeyeintheballroomisonusasweslowlyweavethroughthecrowdedtables.Whycouldn’tthedancefloorbeatthefrontoftheroomwhereweare,ratherthanattheside?Hestopstoshakehandswithafewpeople,agallantbusinessmanworkingtheroom.Hekeepshishandonthesmallofmybackwhilehespeaks,neverneglectingtointroducemeandwhatIdo.
It’s…akindthingtodo.Therightthingtodo.Professional.I’msurebusinessetiquettehasbeendrilledintohimfromayoungage,soit’sonlysecondnaturetoconducthimselfinthisway.Ithasnothingtodowithme.
“Sorry,”hewhispersintomyearaswemakeourwayclosertothedancefloor.“It’simpossibletowalkanywhereintheseeventswithoutgettingstopped.”
“Don’tflatteryourself.Theneedtotalktoyouisoutofobligation.Thesepeopledon’tactuallylikeyou.”Ireallywanttobitemytongue.ClearlyEdwindissingmehasaffectedmemorethanIthought.Ormaybe,Idon’twanttolooklikealoserinfrontofJP.Ifanything,watchinghimnetworktheroomhasbeenagreatlessonforme.HehasthesortofbusinessacumenIadmire.But…Ineedtoremainunfazed.
Hisnosemovesclosetomyearashishandisatmyback,guidingme.“Mmm,Iloveitwhenyoutalkdirtytome.”
“You’reobnoxious.”
“Soyou’vesaidbefore.”
“Justremindingyou.”
We’renearlyclearofthetablesnow,andhesmoothshishandovermyback,usheringmeaheadofhim.“Don’tneedaremin-ooooof!”
JPexhalesagainstmyskin,likeagustofverystrongwind.There’saloudcrashandthenahorrifyingthud.
IturnjustintimetoseeJP’sbodybounceoffthedancefloor,hisarmsclutchinghisstomach,hislonglegsstretchedout.
“Whatonearth—”
“Mother…fu—”hestartstosaybutstopshimself.Eyeswincingwithanimmenseamountofpain,hetakesafewdeepbreaths,andjustwhenIthinkhe’sabouttounleashaplethoraofswearwords,theroomfallssilent.Alleyesareonus.
Hegroans.
Wincesinpainoncemoreandthenletsoutaloud…forcefulreaction
“Golly…goodness,”hegroans.
Gollygoodness?
Nomotherfucker?
Noholyshit?
Nofucketyfuckfuck?
Justasimple,classic,GeorgeBaileyfromIt’saWonderfulLife“gollygoodness.”
Isnort.
MyhandcoversmyfaceandIattempttoholdbackthelaughterthat’sbubblingupinsideofme.
IfIknowonethingaboutJPCane,it’sthathe’snotthegollygoodnesstype.
He’stheguythatwhispersthewordsthrobbingcockinyourear,repeatedly,justforthehellofit.
Unsureofwhattodo,Iconsiderbendingdowntoaskhimwhathappened,whenanoldmanbehindJPstandsshakilyfromhischair.That’swhenIseethepushed-outchairinthewalkway.Ohno,JPmusthavebeenstrucksolidwhilewalkingby.Withthetipofhisblackcane,theoldmantapsJPonthelegandsays,“Watchwhereyou’regoing,son.”
Withnoregardforwhathecaused,orevenahintofanapology,theballsyoldmanhobblesaway,mutteringsomethingaboutpeoplegettinginhisway.
AwaiterquicklyhelpsJPtohisfeet,liftinghimunderhisarms.Afewofthemenwhowerejustshakinghishandcometoaskifhe’sallright,butallIcanfocusonisthewayJPisstaringatmeasifI’mtheonewhoknockedhimoutwithachair.
“I’mgood,”hesays,dustingoffhissuit.
“Areyousure?”oneofthewaitersasks.“Icangetyousomeice.”
“Notnecessary.Ithinktheonlythingbruisedhereismypride.Wasn’texpectingaseventy-year-oldmantotakemeoutlikethat.”
Anothersnort.
Anotherglarefromhim.
“I’llbegood.”Heshakesoffthewaiterandclosesthespacebetweenusonceagain,takesmyhandinhis,andleadsmetothedancefloor.
I’mstillchucklingwhenhepullsmeclosetohisbody,hishandonmylowerback,hisotherholdingourpalmscloselytogether.Withhismouthrightnexttomyear,heasks,“Didyoufindthatentertaining?”
“Verymuchso,”Ianswerashepullsmeintighter.Mychestispressedagainsthis,ourlegstangling,andIhonestlycan’ttellwhereIbeginandheends.Ourbodiesfusetogether,likemagnets,drawingin,pulling,withnorelease.
It’sunexpected.
It’sdamning.
It’snotapositionIwanttobeinwithJP,butitdoesn’tseemlikeoneIcangetoutof.
“So,megettinghurtandhumiliatedinfrontofthemasses,that’scomicaltoyou?”
“Alittleslapstickhumorneverhurtanyone.Butitwasn’twhathappenedtoyou,itwasyourreaction.”Ilaughsoftlyashemovesmearoundthedancefloor.We’reslowlyswayingtothemusic,aninstrumentalversionofTaylorSwift’sWildestDreams,butthewayhe’stwirlingmemakestheroomablur,andIcan’tfocusonanythingbutusandonlyus.
Thestillnessinhisbreathaswefloatovertheparquetfloor.
Thetightgriphehasonmyhand,guidingmetoournextmove.
Thegentlewhisperofhiswordsovermyearashespeaksjustlowenoughtokeepourconversationprivate.
“Andwhataboutmyreactionmadeyouchuckle?”Hereleasesme,twirlsmeoutsomydressfloatsagainstthewhooshofwind,thenyanksmebackclosetohischest.MybreathcatchesinmylungsandmyeyeswidenfromtheelegantdancemoveIwasn’texpecting.
WhenIdon’tanswerrightaway,helowershislipsclosertomyearandsays,“I’mwaiting,Kelsey.”
Waiting.
He’swaitingfor…oh,ananswertohisquestion.
What’shappeningtome?OnespinaroundthedancefloorandIcan’tseemtokeepmymindstraight.
Mybrainfeelsfoggy,disrupted,disoriented.HiswarmpalmslidestothespotjustabovethecurveofmyassandallIcanthinkaboutis…arepeoplewatching?Dotheythinkwe’reacouple?Ishegoingtolowerhishandanyfarther?
Iwetmylipsandfocusontheconversation.“CorrectmeifI’mwrong,butgollygoodnessdoesn’tseemlikesomethingthatwouldevercomeoutofyourmouth.”
“You’dbecorrectaboutthat,”heanswers,andthen,tomyuttersurprise,hebraceshimselfanddipsme.Mystartledgaspmakeshimsmileasheliftsmebackup.“Whatdidyouexpectmetosay,though?ThatoldfuckingbastardjustTonyaHarding-edmyass,nearlycuttingmydickoffwiththeedgeofhischair.Ididn’tthinkmotherfuckerwasappropriateforthesetting.”
Themusicslows,andsodowe.Italmostfeelsasthoughhecreatedhisowndancetothissong,andheledmethroughitwithprecisionandgrace,somethingIdidn’tthinkhehadinhim.
“Well,itwasfunny,isall,”Isay,myabilitytocomeupwithawittyresponsecompletelygoneashishandslidesupmyspine.Themusicswitchestoanotherslow-pacedsong,andwhenIthinkourdanceisover,hedoesn’tletgo.Instead,hecontinuestomoveusaroundastwocelliststakecenterstageandplayWithorWithoutYou
It’sbeautiful,thedeepglideofthestringsweavingthroughthegoldroomasthechandeliersdim,settingmoreofaromanticmood.I’vebeensoirritatedbyEdwinandGenesisthatI’vecompletelyneglectedtheromanceofthenight—notthatthere’sanyromancebetweenmeandJP,buttheambianceoffersastunningsettingforafirstkiss.
“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”JPasks.“Icanpracticallyseethewheelsinyourheadturning.”
“Theballroomisbeautiful.I’mfinallytakingamomenttoappreciateit.”
“Itis,”hesayssoftly.“Thefood,thedécor,theband.It’sthesameeveryyear,andeventhoughitbenefitsthechildren,Iknowalotofcouplescometothiseventjustfortheexperience.”
“Icanseewhy.It’sallsowhimsical.”
“Isthiswhatyouenvisionedthenightbeinglike?”
Ishakemyheadgently.“No,Ididn’tenvisionbeingditchedbymydate,thenfinishingthenightdancingwithyou.”
“Imeantwiththedécor,thefeeling,themood.Iknowbeinghere,inmyarms,withtheonepersonwhorepulsesyouthemostwasn’tattheforefrontofyourmind.”
Thewayhesaidthat,thedejectioninhistone,actuallymakesmefeelbad.Hemightannoymeandhemightirritateme,nowmorethanever,butifIstripawayhisdefensemechanismofactinglikeanass,Iknowthere’sagoodmanunderthatsarcasticwit.
“You…youdon’trepulseme,JP.”
“Notlookingforapitycomment,justlookingforananswertomyquestion.”
Buthedoesn’trepulseme.Hemightnotbemyfavoriteperson,butrepulse?Imean,ifherepulsedme,there’snowayI’dallowhimtoholdmeascloseasheis.Iwouldn’tbegettinglostinhisdelectablescent,ascentthatIknowwillclingtomefortherestofthenight.
Buthe’sapridefulman,andIknowhe’snotone—inaseriousmoment—tofishforcompliments.
“Ididn’tknowwhattoexpectabouttheevent.Ifiguredithadtobeniceforsuchasteepprice.Butthis,thealmostGreatGatsbyfeel,thisiswhatmoviesaremadeof.”
“Noneofthedonationsgototheactualevent.Thiseventisputonbyasocietywhochipsintheirownmoney.It’sanotherreasonwhyweloveitsomuch.It’satruefundraiser.Verylittlebusinessoccurshere.”
“Isthatwhyyoubroughtadate?”Iask,trulycuriousabouthimandGenesis.
NotthatI’mtheexpertonJPCane,buthejustdoesn’tseemlikethedatingtypetome.Heseemsmoreliketheguywho’sinandoutofbedroomseveryothernight.Theguythatneversettlesdown,flirtsshamelessly,andhasnoneedforacompanionotherthanhimself.
“GenesisandImetafewweeksago.She’ssmart,someonewhocanholdanintelligentconversation,andwhenwewentout,Ihadagoodtime.Ithoughtthiswouldbeagoodplacetotakeher,letherminglewithsomepeople,makeconnections.Didn’texpecthertominglewithyourdate,though.”
“Yeah,meneither,”Isaysoftly.
JPpullsawayjustenoughthatoureyesmeet,hislightgreenonestomyhazel.“Listen,Kelsey,he’s—”
“Excuseus.Sorrytointerrupt,”Edwinsaysashewalksuptous,Genesisathisside.“Ihopeit’sokay,butIthinkwe’regoingtoheadout.”Edwinthumbstothedoorbehindhim.“GenesishasaheadacheandIfiguredI’dtakeherhome.”
Mystomachdrops.He’sleavingthepartywithsomeoneelse?
Sure,thestingofseeinghimtalktosomeoneelsetheentirenightwasadirecthittotheego.
Watchinghimdancewithsomeoneelsewasdrink-worthy.
Butseeinghimleave…
JP’sarmstiffensaroundmeashesays,“Surething,thanks,man.”
“Youdon’tmind?”Genesisasks.Ican’tevenlookatthem,becausefromthecornerofmyeye,IcanseeEdwin’shandlacedwithGenesis’s.
“Notatall,”JPanswers,hisvoiceeven.
“Okay,well…thanksforagoodnight,”Edwinsaysbeforepattingmeontheshoulderandtakingoff.
That’sallIget.
Apatontheshoulder.
Iexpectedthisnighttogosodifferently.IthoughtthatmaybeEdwinandIcouldgettoknoweachotheralittlemore,becomemorecomfortablewithoneanother,maybekissagain.
Buthe’stakinganotherwomanhome.
Andthat’sanabsolutegutpunch.
Myfeetstopmoving,andmygriploosensonJP.
“Headheldhigh,”hewhispersashespinsmearound.“Don’tlethimseeyouupset.”
“ButIam.”
“Iknow.”JP’smouthisnowtouchingmyearashespeakssoftly.“ButgivethemafewmoreminutesandthenI’llgetyououtofhere.”
MyliptremblesandIcanfeelmyeyesstarttowell,andjustwhenIthinkatearisgoingtofall,JPgripsmyhandtighter,spinsmeoutandsmirksatme,beforepullingmebackin.It’sjustenoughtoforgetforamomentthat,onceagain,romanceisn’tinthecardsforme.
***
“Goodevening,Mr.Cane,”thedriversaysasheopensthebackdoorforus.
AfterEdwinandGenesistookoff,wespentanotherfiveminutesonthedancefloorbeforeJPescortedmetowardthebackoftheballroomandsentaquicktext.Hethenledmetothebar,wherehehandedmeaheavyglassofwineandsaidweweren’tleavinguntilIfinishedit.
Ittookmenomorethanaminute.
Withawinebellyandheavyheart,wemadeourwaytothefrontofthemansionwhereJP’sdriverjusthappenedtobewaiting.I’mnotsureifHuxleysetitupthatwayorifJP’sdrivercandriveatlightningspeed,butIdidn’thavetohangaroundtheeventforlongerthanIneededto.
JPhelpsmeintothecarandthenslidesinbesideme.Webothbuckleup,andwhenthedriversitsinhisseat,JPsays,“Myhouse.”
Idon’thaveitinmetodiscussthedetails,toconsiderifJPhasanyideawhat’sgoingtohappentonight,soIleanmyheadtothesideandlookoutthewindow.
Thedark,starryskyloomsoverusaswedrivethroughrowsandrowsofimpressivehouses.Andwitheverygatedhomethatwepass,Ican’thelpbutwonderifthepeoplewholiveinsidethathomeareactuallyinlove,oriftheyliveinaworldwhereditchingadateforsomeoneelseisthenorm.
God,IexpectedsomuchmorefromEdwin,thebird-lovingprick.Hewasso…nice.Abitofanerd,butdefinitelysomeoneIthoughtIcouldtrust.Sure,weonlywentoutforafewweeks,butIfeellikeI’magoodjudgeofcharacter.
ButEdwin’sactionsreflectedsomethingI’dalmostexpectJPtodo.Andyet,JPwastheonewhomadesureIdidn’tlookfoolish,theonewhocarriedmearoundthedancefloor,andtheonewhomademeforget,evenifitwasmomentarily
Thereseemstobesomegoodinhim,afterall.
“He’sanidiot,”JPsaysasthecarmakesaright-handturnandHuxley’shousecomesintoview.
“What?”Iask.
AndinsteadofturningrightintoHuxley’scirculardriveway,weturnleft,toalarge,loominggatethatopensasweapproach.
JPissilentforamoment,andwhenthecarisparked,heholdshishanduptothedriverandopensthedoorhimself.Onceoutsideofthecar,hedipsbackinandholdshishandouttome.Disoriented,Itakeitandhehelpsmeoutofthecar.Themomentheshutsit,thedrivertakesoff,leavingmealoneunderthestarswithJP.
Together,myhandstillinhis,westandinthedriveway,thedarknessofthenightenvelopingus.“Edwin,”JPsays.“He’sanidiot.”
“He’snotanidiot,hewasjust—”
JPliftsmychin,forcingmetolookhimintheeyes.Thistimewhenhespeaks,it’smoreauthoritative.“He’sanidiot,Kelsey.DoyouknowhowIknowhe’sanidiot?”
Fromthesincerelookinhiseyesandthefirmgriphehasonmychin,I’mrenderedspeechless.Ifeelcaptured,captivated,andloopedintothisunexpectedwhirlwindofanightwithJP.AndIdon’tknowhowtohandleit.
JPtakesastepcloserandsays,“Edwinisanidiotbecausehedidn’tappreciatesomethingotherthanthecolorofyourdress.Whatheshould’vesaidthemomenthesawyouwashowfuckingbreathtakingyoulook,howtheyellowinyourdressmakesthegoldinyoureyessparkleevenbrighter.Heshould’veliftedyourhandandpressedthelightestofkissestoyourknuckles,justsohecouldclaimyouinfrontofeveryonearoundhim.Hiseyesnevershouldhavestrayedfromyours.Andwhenheloweredyourhand,heshould’vetakenonemorestepclosertoyou,leanedinchesfromyourear,andsaidhowintoxicatinglybeautifulyousmelled.”
Mylungshaveseized.
Mylegshavemelted,likeicecreamonascaldingday.
AndmyhandlacedwithJP’stremblesinhisgrasp.
What…what’shedoing?
Whyishesayingthesethings?
What’shisendgoal?
Theromanticinmewouldlovetobelievehemeanswhathejustsaid.Thathethinksthosethingsaboutme.Butsadly,Isuspectthere’sonlyoneendgoalwhenitcomestoJPandagirl,lateatnight,standingoutsidehishouse.I’mconfidentIknowwhatheexpectsAndI’mnotblind.Icanunderstandtheappeal.He’sanextremelyhandsomeman,afterall.Hecanpullyouinwithonelook,oneflashofhisrakisheyes.Youcanfeelhisgaze.
JustlikeIcanfeelitnow.
Theflashofhiseyestomylips.
Thedipofhistongueoverhislips,wettingthem.Preparing.
Thestephemakestoclosethespacebetweenusonemoretime.
It’sallthere,thesigns.
AndImightbesad.Imightfeeldistraught,butIknowonething—anightinJPCane’sbedisnotgoingtohelpmatters.
So,Ireleasehishandandtakeastepback.“JP,I’mnotgoingtosleepwithyou.”Thewordsflyoutofmymouthinaflurry,makingitclearwhereIstand.
Hiscompliments,hiskindness,aren’tgoingtofactorintomydecision.
AndwhenIlookhimintheeyes,toholdstrong,I’mnotmetwithhisusualsmirkorflirtatiousexpression,butratherascowl.Hisdark,thickbrowsarepulledtogether,thesoftnesshasmorphedintoastern,almostinsultedgaze.
HislipstwisttothesideinamocksnarlandwhenIthinkhe’sgoingtosaysomething,hishanddrivesthroughhisthickhairasheturnsaway.
“Yeah,”hesaysonahuff,hisbackturnedtowardme.“Let’sgetyoubacktoyourcar.”
Onehandstillinhishair,hewalkstowardthegateofhisdriveway,notevenbotheringtowaitforme.Ihurrybehindhimasheopensanundetectedsingle-persongatehiddeninthebushes.Heholdsitopenforme,andrightbeforeIwalkthroughit,Istopandstareupathim.
“Youcan’tbemadatmefornotwantingtosleepwithyou,JP.”
Hestaresupattheskyasheletsoutaheavybreath.“Justwalkthroughthegate,Kelsey.”
IrritationissteamingoffhimandeventhoughIhavethisneedtopushhim,tomakehimunderstandmyreasoning,Icanseethat’sonlygoingtomakehimmadder.Keepingmycomposure,Iwalkpasthim,throughthegate,andthentogether,wewalkacrossthestreettoHuxleyandLottie’shouse,whereonceagain,JPopensagateformeandtakesmerighttomycar.
“Doyouhaveyourkeys?”heasks.
Iholdupmysmallclutch.“Inhere.”
“Good.”Hestepsbackandsticksbothhandsinhispockets.
Hedoesn’tsayanotherword,andIcan’thelpbutfeelthatIdidsomethingwrong.Hewasgallantandkind,whichItrulyappreciate,butitshouldbeokayformetousewords—notmybody—tothankhim.
“JP—”
“Haveagoodnight,Kelsey.”HetakesanotherstepbackandIrealizehe’snotgoingtoleaveuntilIgetinmycarandstartit,anothergentlemanlyactthatIdidn’texpectfromhim.ThisentirenighthasbeenincrediblyunexpectedandI’mnotsureI’mcapableofsiftingthroughitallinmyhead,notwhenI’mexhaustedandmentallyspent.
Thankfully,Ireallyonlyhadthatoneglassofwine,soI’mgoodtodrive.Iunlockmycarandgetin.IconsidersayingsomethingtoJP.Thankyou,maybe,butwhenIturntorolldownmywindow,he’salreadywalkingacrossthestreettohishouse.
Well,Iguessthat’sthat.
Withaheavyheart,Istartmycaranddrivebacktomysmallstudioapartment.
***
MeanttoBePodcast
RathandCharlee
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.RathandCharlee,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,tellushowyoumet.
Charlee:First,canIsayhowmuchIlovethispodcast?Ican’tbelieveyouareactuallyhavingusontheshow.Gah,Ilistentoiteveryweek.RaththinksI’malunatic,ofcourse,whenIgushovereverycouple,buthe’salsooneofthebiggestgrumpsyoucouldimagine.Ihadtobribehimwithsexualfavorstogethimhere.
Rath:Charlee,filter.
Charlee:He’sreallyworriedthatI’mgoingtosaysomethingthatembarrasseshim,which,sure,isprobablythetruthbecauseIdon’tknowwhentostoptalking.AskmeaquestionandIjustletloose.But,yeah,ItoldhimIwoulddosomefavorsunderhisdeskwhileatwork—
Rath:FortheloveofChrist,Charlee.
Kelsey:Oh,please,tellmemoreaboutthesefavors.
Charlee:Well,hereallylikesitwhenyoutickle—
Rath:Webumpedintoeachotheratanofficesupplyconvention.Ineededanassistant.Shedrovemeinsanewithherincessantjabbering.Somehow,Ifellinlove,wegotmarried,endofstory.
Charlee:Isn’thejustsocharming?ChapterEight
JP
Twoweekslater…
“Hey.”There’saknockatmydoor.IliftmyheadtoseeHuxleypokehisheadin.“Conferenceroominten.”
“Gottheelevenfuckingmemosyousentalready.I’llbethere.”
“Justmakingsure.”
“I’magrown-assman,Hux.Iknowhowtoschedulemydamnday.”IturnbacktomycomputerandclickthroughtheannoyingemailsI’veputoffansweringallmorning.
Whenmydoorshuts,Iheaveasighofrelief,that’suntilIrealizeHuxleyneverleft,butratherlethimselfintomyoffice.Heoccupiesaseatacrossfrommeandcrossesonelegovertheother.
“Mindtellingmewhyyou’vebeensuchabastardlately?”
Ipressmyfingersintomybrow,attemptingtomassagetheimpendingmigraineaway.
“Howaboutyougobacktoyourofficeandleavemethehellalone?”
“Yousee,Iwoulddothat,butwehaveameetingintenminutesandIcan’thaveyouactinglikeadickinthere.”
Myeyessnapuptohis.“WhenhaveIeverbeenadicktopeopleintheconferenceroom?”
“Uh,allfuckingweek.Nottomention,you’vebeenstompingaroundherewithachiponyourshoulder.Everyone’sawareofyourmoodandtherehavebeenrumblingsthatpeopleareuncomfortable.”
“Oh,well,JesusChrist,Ishouldjustslaponahappyface,then,shouldn’tI?Iwouldn’twanttocauseastirintheoffice.Heavenforbidsomeoneshouldhavesomefuckingfeelingsinthisplace.”
“Dude,”Huxsays,sittingtallerinhischairnow.“Whatthehellisgoingon?You’vebeenlikethiseversincethefundraiser.IsthisaboutGenesis?”
Ofcourse,he’dgotherebecauseIhaven’tspokenagoddamnwordtoanyoneaboutthatnight.NeitherHuxleynorBreakersawhowtheoldmantookmeout.NeithersawhowIdancedwithKelseyandheldhersoclosetomethat,andhow,forthefirsttimesinceImether,Ifeltsomethingclickinsidemyhead,thatwhereIwas,whatIwasdoing,wasactuallyright.
Ididn’tsayanything,becausethenightdidn’tendthewayIwanteditto.
Therewasnointentionoftakingherinsidemyhouse.
Therewasn’tevenathoughtoftakinghertomybedroom.
Myonlypurposeattheendofthenightwastomakesuresheunderstoodhowfuckingbeautifulshewas.HowIhadn’tbeenabletotakemyeyesoffherandcouldn’tfathomhowstupidherdatehadbeeninleavingher,missinghisonechanceathavingher.Iwantedhertoknowthat,inmyeyes,hersmilehadoutshonealltheradianceoftheroom,andthatshewaseasilythemostcaptivatingwomaninthere.
Ididn’twanthertoleavethinkingshewasn’tvalued,thatshewasdisposable.
ImeantwhatIsaid,Edwinwasanidiot.Anabsolutefool.
Genesisisbeautifulandsmart.Butshehasnothing,andImeanabsolutelynothing,onKelsey.
AndIwantedtoshowKelseythat.But,Kelseydidn’ttakeitthatway.
No,shesawmeasamanactingkindtohaveachanceatliftingherskirt.
Shesawmeasnothingbutamanwithanagendathatinvolvedthebedroom.
Shecouldnothavebeenmorewrong.
Insulteclipsedme.
Ishutdown.
Andtherewasnocomingbackfromit.
I’vebeenabastardeversince.
WhenI’veseenherintheoffice,I’veavoidedher.Allcorrespondencehasbeenthroughemail,andI’vecanceledtwomeetingswithhersofar,blamingsomemediabullshitthatImadeup.
“Yeah,sure,thisisaboutGenesis,”Ianswer.
HuxleystudiesmeandisabouttosaysomethingwhenBreakercomesintotheofficeandsays,“Thereyouare.Hux,Ineedyoursignatureonafewthingsbeforethemeeting.”
Eyesonme,Huxleystandsandsays,“Thisisn’tover.”
Thefuckit’snot.Inmyeyes,thisconversationisdeadatthispoint.
Iwavehimawayandwhenthedoorshuts,Iletoutaheavybreathandpushbackfrommydesk.Iturntowardmywindowandleanback,staringoutoverthelinesofpalmtreesalongthestreets.
Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeeninthiskindoffunk,onethathastakenoverjustabouteveryaspectofmylife.Sleepevadesme.Workingouthasbecomemoreofanescapeforfrustrationratherthanenjoyment.Andmynightsoutwithfriendshaveturnedintonightsin,vibratingwithangerasIpacemyhouse,onlytoendupinmyworkoutroom,whereIsliponapairofboxingglovesandrepeatedlypunchmybaguntilmyknucklescan’ttaketheabuseanymore.
Just…fuck,howcouldshethinkthatallIwantedwastofuckher?
AmIreallythatmuchofanassholethatshe’dconfusemyintentionwithabargain?Mykindness,mycompliments,inexchangeforthespreadofherlegs?
Icanbeadick.
Aprick.
Anabsoluteasshole.
ButI’mnotthatman,theonewhotakesadvantageofawomanwho’sclearlynotintherightheadspace.
Istandfrommychair,pullmysuitjacketbackon,andstickmyphoneinmypocketbeforeheadingoutofmyofficedoor.Onthewaytotheconferenceroom,Ipopintothekitchenandgrabacanofwater—wejuststartedcarryingwaterinaluminumcans,thankstofuckingKelseyandhersustainabilityinitiatives—andthenheadintotheconferenceroom.Itakeaseatontheleft-handside.
JustasIpopopenthecan,oneofthechairstotherightofmeswivelsaroundand,loandbehold,Kelsey’sfacecomesintoview.
Fuck…
“JP,”shesayswithasmilethatbarelyreacheshereyes.Icantellapolitesmilefromagenuineone,andthisscreamsI’msmilingatyoubecauseIhaveto,notbecauseIwantto.“Iwasn’tawareyouweregoingtobeinthismeeting.”
“Yeah,well,Huxleysentmeelevenmessagessayingmyattendancewasrequired.”
“Doyouhaveanyideawhatit’sabout?”
“Nope,”Isnap.
“Oh…okay.”Shefidgetsnexttomeandheatcrawlsupthebackofmyneck.
Fuck,Icansmellhersweet,floweryscentthatseemstofollowmeeverywhereIgo.Idon’tknowifit’smymindplayingtricksonme,butIswear,IsmelliteverywhereIgo,andit’smoreprevalentthaneverrightnow.
“Didyou,uh,didyouseemydesignsfortheAndersonbuilding?”
“Yeah,”Ianswer.
“Didyoulikethem?”
“Seemedlikeeverythingelseyou’veturnedin.UnlessI’mmistakenandyouusedsomethingotherthanbamboostorage.”
Idon’tbothertolookather,butfromthecornerofmyeye,Icanseehermouthturndowninafrown.
“JP,ifthere’ssomethingIdid—”
“Youknow,Ihavesomeemailstoanswer,”Isay,pullingoutmyphoneandtappingawayonit.
Insteadofgoingtomyinbox—becausethere’snowayinfuckI’mansweringanyemailsrightnow—IscrollthroughTwitter,checkingoutwhatallthetrollshavetosayabouttheVancouverAgitatorsandtheirrecentplayoffloss.Talkaboutaweakshowing.Notsuretheyevendecidedtoshowup.
“Iknowyou’reignoringme,”shesays,clearlynotgettingthehint.
Keepingmyeyesonmyphone,Isay,“Kelsey,Ihavebetterthingstodowithmylifethantoignoreyou.You’renotthatimportant.”
Icanfeelthestingofmywordsastheyfalloffmytongue,andyet,Idon’tstopthem.
Idon’tevenbothertolookathowtheyaffecther.
Idon’tneedto.
IknowKelseywilltakeoffensetosuchasentence,andyet,Istillsaidit.
Yup,reallylivinguptothatbastardpersona.
Thankfully,Huxleywalksinatthatmoment,alongwithBreakerandLottie.Iexpectmaybeafewotheremployeestojoinus,butwhenHuxleyshutsthedoorandtakesaseat,Irealizethisisit.
Justusfive.
NotsosureI’mgoingtolikethis.
Isweartofuckifthisissomesortofattitudeintervention,I’mgoingtohaveaHades-inspiredconniption,flamesandall.
“Wegotsomenewsyesterday.”HuxleylooksoveratLottieandmyheartsinks.Holyshit,aretheypregnant?
Isitalittletallerinmychair.
Attempttoputonahappyface.
“Areyoupregnant?”Breakerasks.
Huxley’seyebrowsknittogether.“No,whywouldyouthinkthat?”
“Uh,thewayyoulookedatLottie,thefactthatit’sjustfamilyinthisroom,andtheinconspicuousmeetinginvite.”
Allfacts.
“DoyoureallythinkIwouldusecompanytimetoannouncesomethinglikethat?Thatwouldbeaprivateaffair,notsomethingwe’ddointheconferenceroomatwork.”
Huh…alsofacts.
“Plus,therewillbenopregnancyforatleastanotheryear.Ineedakillerhoneymoonandbabiesaren’tinvited,”Lottieadds.
Well,theregoesthepregnancyguess.
“Thenwhyarewehere?”Iask.
“Because,whatIhavetosaycan’tbesaidoutsideofthesewalls.It’shighlyclassified,therefore,we’retheonlyoneswhoareallowedtoknowatthemoment.”
“Justspititout,”Isay.“Enoughwiththedramatics.”
Huxleyshootsmeawitheringglare,butluckilyforme,Icouldn’tcarelessabouthismenacingscowl.
“WegotacallfromWilliamEdison,ourrealtor.WewonthebidforthehistoricAngelicaBuildinginSanFrancisco.”
Ohshit…
Kelseylooksaroundforanswers.“What’stheAngelicaBuilding?”
“It’soneofthemostprominentapartmentbuildingsinSanFrancisco.Currentlycompletelyemptybecauseitneedsdeeprenovations.Itwasputupforsaleafewmonthsago,butinsteadofsimplysubmittinganoffer,wehadtosubmitwithaccompanyingplansastohowwe’dpreservethebuildingduringrenovations,”Huxleysays.
“Thebuildingisbeautiful,”Breakeradds.“SitsjustbeyondtheBayandhaspanoramicviewsandsomeofthemostintricatemarbleworkI’veeverseen.”
“Sowhyisthisasecret?”Kelseyasks.
“Becausebeforethenewsbreaks,wewantourteamtogoin,assess,andthendrawupplansonhowwe’regoingtoproceed.Oncethepressfindsout,it’llbeveryhardtogetourworkdoneinpeacewithoutrestorationgroupsknockingatourdoor,tellingushowtodothejob.”Huxleypresseshispalmtothetablesurface.“Wehavetwoweeksbeforethedealisannounced.Iwantplansdrawnupandcontractsmadebeforethosetwoweeksareup.”
“I’msorry,”Kelseysays,glancingaroundtheroom.“Howdoesthispertaintome?”
“Wewantyourinputonsustainabilityforthebuilding.We’realreadyintalkswithasolarpanelspecialisttoseewhatouroptionsareforenergy,butwhenitcomestobuildingmaterialsandorganization,wewantyourinputaswell.Whichmeans,you’regoingtoSanFranciscotonighttomeetwithEdisonandtheteam.”
“Oh.”Kelseyblinksafewtimes.“Okay.Sure,notaproblem.”
“AndJPwillbegoingwithyou.”
Andthereitis.
Iknewthatwasfuckingcoming.
EventhoughIknewitwascomingandIknowthereasoningbehindit,Istillsay,“WhydoIneedtogo?IbelievethisissomethingLottieandKelseycanhandlethemselves.I’mnotherbabysitter.”
“Uh…Ihaveabunchofweddingplanningmeetingsscheduled.”Lottiewinces.“Idon’tthinkIcanrescheduleanything.Iwasn’tawareIhadtogowithKelsey.”
“Youaren’trequiredtogo,”Huxleysays,keepinghiseyesonme.“SustainablyOrganizedfallsunderJP’smanagement,whichmeanshe’llbegoing.”Thesteelinessinhisvoicewouldscareanyotheremployee,butitwashesrightoverme.Hisintimidationtacticsareuselessonme.
Westareeachotherdown,thetensiongrowingintheroom,andIwaitforBreakertojumpin,tosaysomething,butwhentheroomremainssilent,Iknowthere’snohelpcomingmyway.
It’spointless.
They’regoingtoganguponmeandthenI’llbeheadedtoSanFranciscowithKelsey,thepersonImostwanttoavoid.
Butbeingthepeoplepleaserthatsheis,Kelseychimesinandsays,“IfJPisbusy,Icangoonmyown.I’msureIcanhandlethis.”
“Thefuckyoucan,”IsaybeforeIcanstopmyself.Alleyesfallonme,perhapsshockedatmyobviousanger.Shit,thatwasharsh.Iattempttotoneitdown.“There’smoretoitthanjustwalkingaroundanoffice.Hatetosayit,butyou’renotsufficientlyeducatedtohandlethisonyourown.ThisismorelikeajobforHuxley,giventhelogisticsofit.”
Iflookscouldfuckingkill,Iwouldbesixfeetunderrightnow.
Butallcarehasleftmybody.
Ican’tseemtoscroungeuponeounceofgivingafuck.
Speakinginaclippedtone,Huxleysays,“IhavetobeattheweddingplanningmeetingswithLottie.”
“You’vehadnoproblemflyingbackandforthbefore.”
“Whatdoyounotunderstandaboutthisbeingyourresponsibility?”Huxleyasks.
“Ineveraskedforthisresponsibility,”IsayandthenmotiontoBreaker.“Whydoesn’thego?”
Withaconfusedlookonhisface,Breakertiltshisheadandasks,“WhythehellwouldIgowhenKelseyworkswithyou?Ihavenofuckingcluewhatyouguysaredoingovertherewiththebuildingsandalltheenvironmentalchangeshappeninginthisoffice.AllIknowisthatmywatercomesinanaluminumcannowandIlikeit.”Heleanscloseandasks,“Dude,whatthefuckisgoingon?YouloveSanFrancisco,andthisisyourjob,sowhydon’tyouwanttogo?”
Greatquestion.
Can’ttellhimtherealreason.
Thisconversationisalreadyhumiliatingenough,andIdon’tneedtoaddtothathumiliation.
Nope,Ineedtocomeupwithanexcuse.Somethinggood.
SomethingthatwillrequiremyattentioninLosAngeles.
“Ican’tgo,”Isay,asifit’sthemostpreposteroussuggestion.“Ihave…thingstodo.Importantthings.”Christ,that’snotexactlywhatIwashopingtosay,butthenagain,kindofdrawingablankhere.Ihavenothings.Ibasicallysitonmyasswaitingformybrotherstotellmewhattodobecausethat’showmuchIdespisethisjob.“Thingsthatcan’tberescheduled.”
“Whatkindofthings?”Breakerasksskeptically.He’sontome.
“Importantthings,”Irepeat.
“Butwhatkindofimportantthings?Giveusanexample.”
Huh…
Umm…
*Mentallytapschin*
WhatcouldbesoimportantinmyotherwiseboringlifethatcouldpreventmefromflyinguptoSanFranciscowithKelsey?
Nothing.
Absolutelyfuckingnothing.
Butthatdoesn’tpreventmefromcontinuingthefarce.
“Appointments,”Ianswer.Vaguenessisthewaytogo.“ThekindofappointmentsIdon’tcaretodiscussinfrontoftheladies.”
There.Thatshouldwork.
Mantroubles.
It’swritteninbro-codethatwhenamansayshehasanappointmenthedoesn’twanttodiscussinfrontoftheladies,thatitshouldbekepthush-hushandtalkedaboutlaterwhenfeminineearsaren’taround.
“Anappointmentyoudon’twanttotalkaboutinfrontoftheladies?”Breakerasks.“Like…areyouhavingmantroubles,dude?”
God,Ihatehim.
NowwhatthefuckdoIsay?
IfIconfirmImightbehavingmantroubles,KelseyandLottiewillASSUMEIhavemantroubles,andthere’snothingtroublingaboutmymanhood.Everythingisinhealthy,workingorder.
ButifIsayno,thenthatexposesmeandI’llhavetogotoSanFrancisco.
So…prideorgivingin?
Savemyself-imageorspendtwoweeksinagonywithKelsey?
Fuck…thisisahard—
Pinningmewithastare,Huxleysays,“Tellmerightnowsomethingiswrongwithyourdickoryou’regoingtoSanFrancisco.”
Shit.
Nothingiswrongwithmydick.
Idon’twantanyonethinkingthere’ssomethingwrongwithmydickbecause,yes,I’mshallow,thankyouverymuch.
AndHuxleyfuckingknowsit.
“That’swhatIthought.You’regoing.”
Fuck.
Somuchforbeingabletothinkonmygoddamnfeet.
“Youleavetonight.IhadKarlacallaheadtothepenthouse.It’salreadybeencleanedandstockedwithfood.”
Thepenthouse?
Nofuckingway.
Okay,sure,IhavetogotoSanFrancisco,butthepenthouse?Hashelosthisgoddamnmind?
“Doyoureallythinkthepenthouseisnecessary?Asimplehotelroomwilldo,don’tyouthink?”
“What’sthepenthouse?”Kelseyasks.
“Housingthecompanyowns,”Huxleyanswers.“And,yes,thepenthouseisnecessary.Youwillbemuchmorecomfortablethere.We’vealreadysetupacarservice,andKarlaisworkingonschedulingmeetingswithourarchitectandcontractors.Ifwe’resendingyouupthere,wewanttomakethemostofourtime.Thetripwilllasttwoweeks.”
“Twoweeks?”Ishout.“Youwantustobeuptherefortwoweeks?Ithoughtwejusthadatwo-weeklimittoturnthingsin.”Itshouldn’ttakethatlong.
Huxley’sjawticks,hisfrustrationcomingtoaboilingpointashisforeheadstartstoturnadangerousshadeofred.He’sfrustratedwithme,butwhothefuckcares?HewantsmetobesharingapenthousewithKelseyfortwoweeks,theonepersonIdon’twanttobearound?Isthissomesortofschemebytheengagedcoupletogettwosinglestogether?Whenhaveweeverforcedtwoemployeestosharethepenthousebefore…fortwoweeks?
Never.
Inafirmvoice,Huxleysays,“Youwillbetherefortwoweeks.Iexpecttoreceivedailyreportsonalldecisions.Andwhileyou’reupthere,makesureyousetupmeetingswiththemayor.You’rethemediarelationsforthiscompany,afterall,JP,theface.Don’tforgetit.”
Asifhe’deverletme.
Pushingawayfromthetable,Istandabruptlyandask,“Whendoestheplaneleave?”
“Sixsharp.Don’tbelate.”
“Wouldn’tdreamofit.”Imovepasteveryone,straightoutoftheconferenceroom,andtowardmyoffice.
Thisisbullshit.
There’snoneedforustobeinSanFranciscofortwoweeks,sharingaplace.It’slikehe’spurposefullytryingtomakemylifealivinghell.Butthat’showit’salwaysbeen—Huxleygetswhathewants.
Startingthisbusinesswashisidea.Ijumpedonboardbecause,frankly,Ididn’thaveanythingbettertodowithmylife,butwhenresponsibilitiesstartedtorollout,itwasasifBreakerandHuxleyjustcameupwithjobstheywantedandgavemetheleftovers.DoesitlooklikeIwanttobethefaceofthecompany?Theguywhotalkstothemediaandwaveshishandaboutandcutsribbons?
Fuckno.
There’snopurposebehindit.
Nothing.
Idon’tfeelfulfilledwhenIgotowork.
Andnow,this…I’mafuckingglorifiedbabysitter.
Ireachmyoffice,butwhenIgotoshutmydoor,I’mquicklystoppedbymybrothers,whoapparentlyhavebeenhotonmyheelsduringmyretreat.
Idon’tbotherarguingwiththemtoleavemealone,becausethere’snopoint,theywon’tgivemeprivacy.Itakeaseatonmycouchandspreadout,readyforthelecture.
BreakershutsthedoorandthenjoinsHuxley,who’sstandinginfrontofme,handsinhispockets.
“Whattheactualfuckwasthatabout?”heasks.
“Me?”Ipointtomyself.“Youdon’tthinkyoucould’vetoldmethatinprivate?Youknow,sowecoulddiscussitwithoutthegirlsbeingthere?Instead,youjustgavemeasentencingandwentonwithyourlife.”
“Sentencing?”Huxleyasks.“IfailtoseehowspendingtwoweeksinapenthouseinSanFrancisco,oneofyourfavoritecities,isasentencing.Iassumedyou’dappreciatethebreakfromLA.”
“NotwhenIhavetospenditbabysittingsomeone,”Isay.
“It’snotbabysitting,”Breakersays.“You’dbehelpingKelseyandtakingononeofourmostprestigiousrenovationprojects.Thisisfuckinghuge,man.”
“Nottomention,we’reworkingwithanewsetofcontractorsinSanFranciscobecausethat’swhowasavailable.Theyknowhowmuchwe’reworthandtheyknowtheimportanceoftheproject.Wedon’tneedthemtakingadvantageofKelsey,whoisn’texperiencedinthisatall.”
“Youdon’tthinkshecanstandupforherself?”Iask.“BecauseIhaveitonverygoodauthoritythatsheknowshowtoputamaninhisplace.”
She’sonlydoneithalfadozentimeswithme.
“It’snotthatshecan’thandleherself,”Huxleysays.“Becauseifshe’sanythinglikehersister,thenIknowthere’sasolidfightingspiritinher.Butthisisaboutheadliningtheprocessasanowner,makingsurethingsaredonethewaywewantthem,andassistingKelseywithherinitiatives.Wehaveoneshotatimpressingthehistoricsocietiesinacitywelove.Ifwecanmakegoodonthisbuilding,thinkofalltheotherbuildingswecouldhelpwith.”
“Ifit’sthatimportant,thenyoufuckingdoit.”
Huxley’sjawtightensevenmore.“YouknowIcan’t.IhavecommitmentswithLottie,andeventhoughthiscompanymeanseverythingtome,shemeansmore.You’retheonewhorepresentsCaneEnterprises,you’retheonewhoworksdirectlywithKelsey,andunlessyoucangivemeaspecific—andImeanveryspecific—reasonwhyyoucan’tgouptheretonight,thenyou’releavinginfourhours.”
Ilookawaybecausefuck…I’mfrustrated.
BecauseIdon’thaveagoodreasonotherthanKelseyhurtmymanfeelingsandIhaven’tbeenabletogetoverit.
BecauseIdon’twanttobearoundher.
Because…shit,becauseIthinkIlikeher,andIdon’tknowhowtonavigatethosefeelings,feelingsI’vebeensuppressingforquitesometime.Andbecauseshewantsabsolutelynothingtodowithme,itmakesnavigatingthosefeelingsthatmuchmoredifficult.Shethinksofmeasaplayer,amanwhoseekshisownpleasure,nothingmore.
Spendingtwoweekswithherinthepenthouseisgoingtobeabsolutetorture.
I’llbesurroundedbyherheadyscent,subjectedtohernighttimewear,forcedtosharemeals…It’llbelikehavingalive-ingirlfriendwithoutthegirlfriendpart.
ButIhavenoexcuse.
Noout.
So,mightaswellstopfightingitandgofuckingpack.
“Well,then,IguessI’mleavinginfourhours.”Insilence,withtheireyeswatchingmyeverymove,IshootupfromthecouchandmakesureIhaveeverythingIneedbeforewalkingpastmybrothersandoutofmyoffice,straighttotheelevatorwhere…ofcourse,LottieandKelseyaretalking.
Great.
Istandagoodfivefeetaway,buttheirconversationisloudenoughformetohear.
“—I’msureitwon’tbethatbad,astherearetwolargerooms,separatedbyalivingareaandkitchenette.So,don’tworry.Hey,rememberthetimewewenttoSanFranciscowithMom?”Lottieasks.“Shetookustothatdimsumrestaurantandweatesomuchthattheownerstookapictureofusbecausethey’dneverseentwogirlsconsumeasmuchfoodaswedid.”
Kelseyasks,“Whatwasitcalledagain?DimSumStar?”
Jesus,howlongdoesittakeforanelevatortogethere?Andclearly,Kelsey’snothappywiththeplantosharethepenthousewithmeeither.Don’tworry,Kelsey,Iknowhowyoufeelaboutme.
Lottienods.“Yup.Itwassogood.And,ofcourse,theGhirardellistore.Youhavetogo.Oh,andhey,kindofconvenientthatDerekwillbeupthere,right?”
Derek?
Nowmyearsareturnedintheirdirection.WhothehellisDerek?
“Ohyeah,you’reright.Thistripalreadysoundsbetter.”
“WantmetotextEllieandseeifhe’llmeetyoufordinner?Imean,it’skindofperfectthatthetiming’smatchedup.”
Ellie…there’sonlyoneEllieIknowandthat’sDaveToney’sEllie.DaveToneyisoneofourbusinesspartners.EllieandLottiehavegrownclose.Whichmeans…DerekmustbeDerekToney,Dave’syoungerbrother.
IsLottietryingtofixKelseyupwithDerek?
“Mightbenicetohavesomethingtodoatnight,”Kelseysays.
Well,Jesusfuck,I’llbethere.It’snotlikeyou’regoingtobebanishedtoanislandallalone.
Thenagain,whywouldsheconsidermeadecentcompanion?Theobnoxiousasshole
“I’llsetitup,”Lottiesays.“ElliewastellingmethatDerekisatotalfoodie.I’llbethetakesyousomewherethatwillblowyourmind.”
“WhichmeansIneedtopacksomedressesforadateortwo,”Kelseysayswithexcitement.
Fucking…great.
JustwhatIneed,tostayinthepenthousefortwoweekswhileKelseygoesoutondateswithDerek
Thisisgoingtobeafuckingfantastictrip.ChapterNine
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
RowanandBonnie
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.RowanandBonnie,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,tellushowyoumet.
Bonnie:Iwasinatowel,andhewasavoyeurinmykitchen,waitingtocatchaglimpse.
Rowan:Jesus.That’snotwhathappened.
Bonnie:Wereyouorwereyounotinmykitchenuninvited?
Rowan:Iwasinmemaw’shouse.Sheneglectedtotellmetwolasseswererentingthecottage.
Bonnie:Still,youwerethereandIwasinatowel.Itriedtoshoohimawaywithabroom,buthewouldn’tleave.
Kelsey:Abroom,alwaysagoodweapon.
Bonnie:NotforastubbornScot.
Rowan:Wanttotalkaboutstubborn?Shallwetalkaboutyourlaundrylistofstubbornness?
Bonnie:Notnecessary,dear.Backtothestory—ofcourseIthoughthewasattractive,Imean,lookathim,howcouldyounot?But,man,washegrumpy.
Kelsey:WhatwereyoudoinginScotland?
Bonnie:Oh,myfriendandItookajobwithRowan’smom.Theyneededsomeonetowatchovertheircoffeeshop,andhousingwasincluded.Webothneededachangeofscenery,sowejumpedontheidea.Wewerehired.ButIwasn’tpreparedforthekindofrepairsthecoffeeshopneeded,northechallengingglarefromRowanwitheverystepItook.
Kelsey:So,youtwowereenemiestolovers,then.
Rowan:Aye.Verymuchenemies.
Bonnie:UntilIworehimdownwithmyAmericanaccent.Hewonmeoverwithhiscake.
Rowan:ThatIdid.
***
LottiehasalwaystalkedaboutflyinginHuxley’sprivateplane.She’stoldmethewondersofnothavingtogothroughthesameroutineasflyingcommercialanddealingwithcrowdsofpeople.She’stalkedabouttheservice…thebedroomintheback,butnothingshetoldmewouldhavepreparedmeforthisflight.
Becausethis,myfriends,isbougie.
ThisiseasilythefanciestthingI’veeverdoneinmylife.
Caneisprintedoneverything.Theseats,thestationery…thenapkins,eventheaprontheflightattendantiswearing.
Andtheseseats—myGod,Icouldgetlostinoneforever.I’dbuythisseatalone,selleverythingelseinmytinystudioapartment,andliveinthisseat.I’ddoeverythinginthisseat.I’dsleep,eat,I’devensponge-bathemyself.
I’vealreadytextedLottie“goodlucktotheflightstaffinremovingmefromthisplane.”
Oh,andthestaff.TheycallmeMissGardnerandtheyhadmyfavoriteseltzeronhandthatIofcourseindulgedin.Aswellasthesefresh-from-the-freaking-airplane-ovencookies.Ihadthree.
THREE!
Andwe’retalkingthesizeofmyfist.Threelarge,chocolateycookiesthattastedlikesuccess.
Needlesstosay,I’vebeenenjoyingmyselfdespitethebrooding,in-a-constant-state-of-annoyance,JP.
Hedidn’tspeaktomewhenwearrivedatthehangar.Hedidn’tsayanythingwhenwebothsatdown,andwhentheflightattendantaskedhimifhewantedacookie,hesaidnobutaddedanother“finger”ofScotchtohisdrink.
Hisloss,becausethesecookiesarephenomenal.
“CanIgetyouanythingelse,Mr.Cane?”Ronda,thelovelyflightattendant,asks.
“I’mgood,”hesays,staringoutthewindow.
Shethenturnstome.“MissGardner,canIgrabyouanothercookie?”Shewinks,asifwebothknowIreallywantanotherone.
AndIdo,butthreeispushingit.Fourisoutofline.
Ipressmypalmtomystomachandsay,“Idon’tthinkIshould.”
Shegentlyrestsherhandonmyshoulderandsays,“Howaboutthis?I’llpacksomeupinabagforyoutotakewithyou.”
Don’tmindifIdo.
“You’reanabsoluteangel,Ronda.”
Shegivesmeapatandthenretreatstothebackoftheairplane.
IglanceoveratJPandwatchhimcasuallylifthisglasstohislips.Eventhoughtherewasaseatrightacrossfromme,hechosetositontheothersideoftheplane.Ifhisoutrageintheconferenceroomdidn’tcluemeinonhisdispleasurewiththistrip,thenhisobviousseatchoicehas.
“Youknow…youcouldbealittlenicertoRonda,”Isay,becausewhynotpokethebearevenmore?
“I’mperfectlypleasanttoher,”hesays,keepinghiseyesonthewindow.
“Ihaven’theardanypleasesorthankyousfromyou.Politenessgoesalongway,JP.”
“Areyouthepolitepolicenow?”
“No,butIdothinkweneedtoholdeachotheraccountableforouractionsand,frankly,Idon’tthinkyou’rebeingverykindatthemoment.”
Heslowlymoveshisheadtothesidesohe’slookingatmethroughhisdark-framedaviators.“HaveItoldhertofuckoff?HaveItrippedheronpurpose?DidIpunchheratanypointintime?”WhenIdon’tanswer,hecontinues.“Didn’tthinkso.Now,getoffmyback.”
God,he’sbeingso…nasty.What’shisdeal?
“Well,youcouldstandtobenicertome,that’sforsure.Youknow,wehavetospendtwoweekstogether.”
“I’mwellawareofmysentencing.”
“Sentencing?”Isaywithagasp.“That’swhatthisistoyou?Asentencing?Because,tome,itseemslikeaonce-in-a-lifetimeopportunitytohelprestoreabuildingtoitsglorydayswhilemakingitmodernandsustainable.”
JPsmoothshishandoverhisjawandsays,“Ofcourseyou’dputsomesortoffairy-talespinonit.”
“It’snotafairytale.Thisisahugeopportunity.”
“I’lltellyouwhatthistripisgoingtobe,Kelsey.We’regoingtohavetoshareapenthousefortwoweeks,whichIknowwon’tbebigenoughtostayoutofeachother’shair.You’llfollowmearoundtodifferentmeetings,I’llgettohearyousaythesamespielrepeatedlyabouthowusingbambooorganizersaresomuchhealthierfortheearththantheplasticones,andyou’llgetallexcitedabouteveryoneelse’sexcitement.Meanwhile,I’mcountingdowntheminutesuntilIcanreturntomynormallifeinLA.”
Whenheturnsbacktothewindow,Isay,“Oryoucanuseitasachancetogettoknowmebetter.Youknow,theoptiontobeafriendisstillthere.”
“Whythefuckwouldyouwanttobemyfriend?”heasks.
“Whywouldn’tI?”Iask,feelingaffrontedallofasudden.
“I’manobnoxiousassholeinyouropinion.YouthinkI’msomesortofsycophantwhopreysonwomenwhenthey’reattheirlowest.Whywouldyouwanttobemyfriend?”
“WhenhaveIeversaidthat?”
“Youdidn’thaveto,”heanswers.
“Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”
Hiseyesshoottomineandhesays,“Thenightofthegala.YouassumedIwastryingtotakeyoutobed.Couldn’thavebeenfurtherfromthetruth.”
Ipauseandallowmymindtorewindbacktothatnight.Wehadanicetimedancing,EdwinleftwithGenesis,andIwasfeelingoutofsorts,likeIwasn’tgoodenough.JPtookmebacktohisplace…andsaidsomanykindwordsthatI’vebanishedfrommymind.
Untilnow.
“Whatheshould’vesaidthemomenthesawyouwashowfuckingbreathtakingyoulook…Heshould’veliftedyourhandandpressedthelightestofkissestoyourknuckles,justsohecouldclaimyouinfrontofeveryonearoundhim…Andwhenheloweredyourhand,heshould’veleanedinchesfromyourear,andsaidhowintoxicatinglybeautifulyousmelled.”
Becausethey’dseemedsooutofcharacterforJP,I’dlargelyignoredhowI’dreactedtothem.WhatIhadrecalledwaswherehe’dhadhisdrivertakeus.
“Butyoutookmebacktoyourplace.Ifyouweren’ttryingtodothatthenwhatwereyoudoing?”
“Beingnice,”hewails.“Something,apparently,youdon’tthinkIcanbe.Youropinionofmeissolow,thatyoubelieveonlytheworst.”
“But…”Ichewonmybottomlip,tryingtofigureoutthedetails.
“Justforgetit,Kelsey.”
“No,JP,let’stalkaboutthis.”
“Idon’twanttobeonthisairplanerightnow,sodoyoureallythinkIwanttotalkaboutthatnight?Idon’t.So,fuckingdropit.”
Andthenheturnsawayfromme,shuttingmeout.
Therestofthetripisspentinsilence.Ican’tbesurewhathe’sthinkingabout,buthiswordsareplayingonrepeatinmyhead.
Youropinionofmeissolow,thatyoubelieveonlytheworst.
HaveIalwaysgottenalongwithJP?No.
ButIwouldn’tsayhe’stheworsthumanI’veevercomeacross.He’stemperamental,doesn’tseemtohavethemostimpeccableconversationalskills,andlovestodrivepeoplenuts,butIwouldn’tsayhe’stheworst.
Iseegoodinhim.
Iseehowhehelpsothers.
Iseethewayheknowseveryone’snameintheoffice,howhesayshitothem,howhegetspeoplecoffeejustoutofthekindnessofhisheart.
Iseethecomplimentshetossesaround,thegood-naturedcomraderyhecreates,andthesmilesheputsonfaces.
Iseetheloveandrespecthehasforhisbrothers,evenwhenthey’refighting.
Sowhydidn’tIseethatthenightofthegala?
Iglanceoverathim.
DidIreallymakehimfeelthatway?ButthenIconsiderhiscommentsfromafewhoursagowhenIsuggestedIcoulddothejobonmyown.Therehadbeen…disdaininhisvoice.
“Thefuckyoucan.There’smoretoitthanjustwalkingaroundanoffice.Hatetosayit,butyou’renotsufficientlyeducatedtohandlethisonyourown.”Somethingtellsmethathisreactionwasn’tcompletelyaboutmyprofessionalskills,butmoretodowithhisfeelingsaboutme.
Howdidthisgosowrong?
***
“Whatroomdoyouwant?”JPasksoncewe’redonetouringthepenthouse.AndIusethewordtouringloosely.JPtossedhisarmaround,tellingmeexactlywhere“everything”waswhileIgazedattheluxurioussuiteI’dbelivinginforthenexttwoweeks.
Theexteriorwallsofthepenthousearemadeupentirelyoffloor-to-ceilingwindows,offeringabreathtakingviewoftheSanFranciscoBayandtheGoldenGateBridge.Thefloorsarebeautifulgray-stainedwood,accentedwithplushrugsandpristine,whitefurniture.TherearepicturesofbuildingsonthewallsandIrecognizeafewthatI’vevisitedinLA.ThesemustallbelongtoCaneRealEstate.Andthekitchen…oh,it’sbeautifulwithstate-of-the-artappliances,marblecountertops,andakitchenislandthatseemsbiggerthanmyentireapartmentcombined.
Twoweeksherewillbenoproblem.
Ifonlymycompanywasmoreagreeable.
“Idon’tmind.Whicheverisfine,”Isay,especiallysincebothroomsarethesame,fromwhatJPsaid.Ifonewasbigger,Icouldclearlytakethesmallerroom.
“Justchooseone,”hesaysinanexasperatedtone.
“Fine,therightone.”
“Good.”JProllshisbagacrossthewoodenfloorsandcallsout,“Rondaorderedusdinner.Shouldbehereanymoment.Juststarteatingwheneveryouwant.”Andthenhe’sdownthehallandoutofsight.
Well,Iguessthat’sthat.
Irollmysuitcaseintheoppositedirection,towardmyroom.I’mdeterminedtonotlethisbadattitudeaffectme.
WhenIreachmyroom,Isetmypursedownandflopbackontheking-sizedbed,whichisdecoratedinwhitelinensandsoftgraypillows.Agirlcouldseriouslygetusedtothis.NowIkindofknowhowitfelttobeLottiewhenshefirstmovedinwithHuxley.Toobadforme,thisisonlyfortwoweeks.
Ireachformypurseandpulloutmyphone.IpressonLottie’snameandputthephoneonspeaker,listeningtoitring.
“Gah!DidyoumakeittoSanFrancisco?”Lottiesayswhensheanswersthephone.
“Ididand,ohmyGod,Lottie,thisplaceissobeautiful.Ican’tgetoverit.”
“I’msojealous.ItoldHuxwhenyoutwoaredonethere,weneedtoatleasttakeaweekendtrip,becausehewasshowingmepicturesofthepenthouseanditlookslikeatotaldream.”
“Itis.Ican’twaittoseewhatkindofviewsIhaveinthemorning.”
“Andtheflightwasgood?”
“Asgoodasitcouldbe.”
“Turbulence?”sheasks.
“Well,notturbulencewiththeplane,moreliketurbulencewithJP.He’sreallynothappywithme.”
“Igatheredthat.Didhesaywhy?”
Youropinionofmeissolow,thatyoubelieveonlytheworst.
“Hedidand,honestly,Lottie,Ifeelsickaboutit.”
“Whathappened?”
“Well,youknowhowEdwinandGenesiswentoffwitheachotherthenightofthegala?”
“Ah,yes,andyouhaven’theardfromhimsince.Arealwinner,thatone.”
“Yeah,well,Ididn’treallytellyouwhathappenedafter.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudidn’ttellme—ohmyGod,Kelsey,didyousleepwithJP?”
“No!”InearlyshoutandthenrealizeImightbetooloud.IbringmyvoicedownwhileIstandfromthebedandstarttounpackandorganizemythings.“Wedidn’tsleeptogether,buthedidtakemebacktohisplace,andwhenIsayhisplace,Imeanthedriveway.That’sasfarasIletitgobeforeItoldhimIwasn’tsleepingwithhim.”
“Didheaskyouintohishouse?”
“No,Ikindof…youknow…assumedthathewantedtosleepwithme.Buthewasjustbeingnice.Iinadvertentlyinsultedhimandnowheprettymuchhatesme.Hebarelytalkedtomeontheairplane,andhasretreatedtohisroom,whereI’msurehe’llstaytheentirenight.”
“So,you’reinanuncomfortablesituation,then?”
“Correct.”IcarrymytoiletriestothebathroomandlineupeverythinginarowbyorderofhowIusethem.“Ireallywanttoenjoymyselfhere.We’verarelybeenabletotravel,letaloneinalavishway,butthingsareweirdwithhimandIdon’tknowhowtomakeitbetter.”
“JPisanoddone.He’sverysarcastic,andsometimes,itseemslikehedoesn’ttakethingsseriously,butthere’sadarkersidetohim,too,asidehedoesn’ttalkaboutmuch.EvenHuxleywassayinghowJPcanbeveryclosedoff.Ithinkyoustruckthatdarkpartandmaybetheonlywaytofixthingsistoapologizesincerely.”
Isighandleanagainstthebathroom’shoneycomb-tiledwall.“Ithinkyou’reright.”
“IknowIam.Oh,andhey,ItalkedtoEllie.Derekwouldlovetomeetupwhileyou’reinSanFrancisco.He’sgoingtocheckhisscheduleandwillletyouknowwhenhe’savailable.”
“Okay,yeah,cool.”MystomachlurchesandIcan’tbesureifit’sfromneedingdinnerortheloomingconversationIhavetohavewithJP.Eitherway,it’snotagoodfeeling.“Ishouldgo.Dinnerwillbeheresoon.”
“Yougotthis,sis.ShowthemwhattheGardnersistersareallabout.”
***
It’llbefine.
Justlightlyknockonhisdoorandifhehappenstosnapatyoulikeabeast,justknow,ithaseverythingtodowithwhatyousaidtohim,andnothingtodowithhim…
Takingadeepbreath,Iliftmyknucklestohisdoorandgiveitaquickknock.
IpressmylipstogetherasIwaitforhisresponse,butwhenIhearnothing,Iknockagainandask,“JP,areyouinthere?Dinnerishere.”
Iwaitforafewbreathsandthenhefinallycallsout,“Eatwithoutme.”
Iwasafraidhe’dsaythat.
That’swhyIdevisedaplantogethimoutofhisroom.
“Okay,but,uh,IthinkIbroketheovenanditsortofsmellslikegassodoyouthinkyoucouldhelpmewiththat?ThenI’llleaveyoualone.”
Betweenyouandme,Ididn’teventouchtheoven,butIfiguredagasleakmightgethimmoving.
Andluckyforme,I’mright.
Thedoorknobtiltsdownandthenthedooropens,revealingabare-chestedJP,wearingonlyapairofshorts.
Well,uh…wouldyoulookatthat.
Anexpansivechestofthickpecsthatconnecttohisprominentcollarbone,andsculptedarmsthatarepepperedinink.BelowhispecsarearowofwhatIcanonlydescribeasunattainableabsthatrippleintoanedgedAdonisbeltwherehisshortshangdangerouslylow.
Iwasn’t,uh,Iwasn’texpectinghimtoanswerthedoorlikethis,hencewhyIhaven’tsaidanything.OrwhyIcan’tseemtofindmywords.
“Kelsey…theoven.”
“Right,”Isay,steppingtotheside.“Theoven.Gas.Itsmellslikegas.”
JPmovespastmeandIwatchhisbacksideretreatintothemainlivingspace.
I’mnotonetodismissthetruth,evenifitpainsme.AndthetruthhereisthatJPisgorgeous,especiallywithhisshirtoff.Thekindofmanthatyouseewalkingdownthestreetandallyoucandoisstopandstaretotakeineverythingabouthim.Withhisshirtoff,notonlydoyougetglimpsesofJP’stattoos,butyougetawholeshow.
*Mentallycries*God,he’ssexy.
Ahh,didIjustthinkthat?No,he’snotsexy.He’sjust…someonetolookatthat’seasyontheeyes.
Notsexy.Nope.Just…attractive.That’sall.
Okay,movingon.
“Whatdidyoudototheoven?”hecallsout.
ThisiswhereIhavetoplaydefensebecausethemomentheknowsIwaslying,he’llmakearunforhisroomandI’mgoingtohavetoblockhim.IpreparedforsuchaneventbyrollingupmysleevesandremovingmysockssoIdon’tslidealongthefloor.Thesweatygriptiononthebottomofmyfeethasalreadyoccurred,soIbelieveI’mready.
Iwalkintothelivingarea,stayingclosetohishallwaytoperformablockade,andinaverydramaticvoice,Isay,“Ilied.”
Hisheadsnapsaroundandhiseyesmeetmine.“Youlied?”heaskswithatiltofhisbrow.
“Indeed.”Iholdmychinupevenhigher.“Theovenstoryisafarce.Inevereventouchedit.”
“JesusChrist,”hesays,andjustlikeIpredicted,hestartsmovinginmydirection.
Manyourposition!
Ibackupintothemouthofthehallwayandextendalllimbsout,creatingawallwithmybody.Ifhewantstogettohisroom,hehastogetthroughmefirst.
Which,I’mawareheprobablyhasanentireperson’sweightofmuscleonhisbodyoverme,butI’mscrappyandIknowhowtoclingtosomeonelikeaspidermonkey.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heasksashestopsafewfeetinfrontofme,seemingtorealizeI’maforcetobereckonedwith.
“Stoppingyoufromretreatingtoyourroom.Whatdoesitlooklike?”
“Itlookslikeapatheticattempttogetinmyway.Withonepushofmypinky,Iwillhaveyouflatonyourass.”
“I’mmuchstrongerthanIleton.Tryme.”Thereisnowayhe’lltouchme.
Boy,wasIwrong.
Hestepsuptome,presseshispinkytomychest,andgivesmejustenoughofanudgetothrowmeoffbalance.
TIMBER!
Becausemyarmsandlegsarefullyextended,Ihavenothingtograband,beforeIcaneventhinkaboutacounterattack,I’mfallingonmyasswithaclunk.
Mandown.
HeatwashesovermycheekswhenIlookupatJP,justashestartstostepoverme.Imightbeembarrassedbymypitifulattempttostophim,butI’mnotgivingup.Ohhhhno.Iwillnotgodownwithoutafight.
Thismanwilltalktomeifit’sthelastthingIdo.
Itwistmybodysomystomachispressingagainsttheground,extendmyarmsout,latchontohisleg,andpullmyselfcloser,hangingonfordearlife.
“Whatthefuck?”heasks,staringdownatme.Heshakeshisleg,attemptingtoridhimselfofme—asifI’maninconvenientpieceoftoiletpaperthat’sstucktohisshoe.Toobadforhim,mygripisstrong.“Kelsey,whatthehellareyoudoing?”
Withmycheekpressedagainsthisleg,thebottomofhisshortsticklingmynose,Isay,“You’renotgettingawayfromme,sir.Noway.Youwilltalktome.”
“Letgo.”Heplaceshishandonthewallforbalanceandshakesharder.
“Never!”Icryout.“Ifyouwantmeoffyou,you’regoingtohavetoprymeoff.”
Badchoiceofwords,becausethenextthingIknow,hereachesdownandplucksatmyfingers.
Iswathimaway.
Heswatsatmyhand.
Iswatback.
Heswatsagain.
Iopenmymouthandstartchompingathishandtoscarehimaway.
ThatdoesthetrickbecausetheswattingendsandIresumemylethalgrip.
“Kelsey,seriously,letthefuckgo.”
“Youhavenoideawhoyou’redealingwith.Ihavenoproblemclaimingsquatter’srightsonyourleg.Ihavenowheretobeallnight.It’sjustyouandme,bub,soit’syourchoice.Youeithercometalktome,oryouspendyoureveningwithmeattachedtoyourfoot.”
Helooksdownatme,looksupathisroom,andthen,tomychagrin,hestartsdraggingmealongthefloor.Hecan’tpossiblybeserious.
“JP,Idemandyoustopatonce.”
Hedoesn’t.Hekeepswalking,medraggingbehindhim.
“Stopthisinsanity,”Icallout.“Justtalktome.”
Drag.
Drag.
…drag.
Frustrationconsumesme,myearsheattoboilinglevels,andIcanfeeltheangerstarttotakeover.Itriedtobeniceaboutthis.Iattemptedasmoothconversation.Yes,Ihadtoresorttobecominganactualballandchain,butnow…ohnow,I’mgettingupset.
Keepingonehandplantedonthelegthat’sdraggingme,Ireachforhisotherlegbutmissbyalongshot.InahorribleattempttograspanythingsoIdon’tlosehimtoafull-outsprintwhenheshakesfreeofme,myfingerscurlaroundthefabricofhisshorts.
Idon’treallyregisterthatIhaveshortsinmyhand.AllIknowisthatIhaveaholdofsomethingandit’stimetopull.
That’sexactlywhatIdo.
Iyankonhisshortssohardthathestumblesforward,andbecauseI’mholdingontohisotherleg,hecan’tcatchhisbalance.
Ladiesandgentlemen,thisiswherethingsgoterribly,terriblywrong.
Ithappensinslowmotion.I’munabletocompletelyprocesswhat’sgoingtooccuraseverythingelsefadesawayandtheonlysoundisthelong,drawn-outnoiseofJPsaying,“What…the…fuuuuuuck?”
Itwasnevermyintentiontoangerhimmore,norwasitmyintentiontocausehimtofall.
ButIaccomplishedboththings…whilstpantsinghimatthesametime.
Yup,justlikethat,withaslightyank,thoseelastic-bandedshortsofhissliderightoffhisnarrowhipsanddownhislegs,causinghimtostumbleevenmore.
Icryoutinhorrorbecause,goodGod,therearelooseshortsinmyhand.
Whichonlymeans…
Pleaselethimbewearingunderwear.Pleaselethimbewearingunderwear.
Hedancesaboveme,attemptingtogainbalance.
Isqueezemyeyesshutoutofpureself-preservation.
Itwist.
Heturns.
Hejumps.
Iclutch.
Andthen,withabigcrashtothefloor,hefallsontopofme,pillowingmyfacewithwhatIcanonlyassumeishisstomach.
“Jesusfuck,”hesays.
Iopenmyeyesandcomefacetofacewithmanscrotum.
Aman’sfreakingscrotum!
“Ahhh!”Iscreamandswatathisleg.“Yourpenisisonmyface.Yourpenisisonmyface.”
“Iknow.Fuck,”heyells,attemptingtogetoffme.
“Whereisyourunderwear?”
“Idon’twearunderwearatnight.”
“DearGod!It’sonmynose!Yourgenitalsarerestingonmyfreakingnose!”
“Ifuckingknow!”heyellsback.“ButIcan’tgetupbecauseyou’restillholdingontome.”
“I’vebeentea-bagged,”Icryoutinhorror,hispenisstillrubbingalongmynostrils.
“LetthefuckGO,KELSEY!”
AsifIfinallyrealizewhat’shappening,Ireleaseallmylimbsandheclimbsoffme.Iscrambleupagainstthewallandholdmyhand—stillclutchinghisshorts—infrontofmyface.
“I’vebeendefiled.”
“You’vebeendefiled?”heretorts.“I’mtheonewho’sbeenstrippedbare.”HeyankstheshortsfrommygraspandIhearhimscurryaround,puttingthemon.WhenIthinkthecoastisclear,Ipartmyfingerstoseeifhe’sdecent.
I’mmetwithaveryangrystare.Menacing,tobeprecise.Somemightactuallysay…*gulp*sinister.
Iattemptasmile,butitfallsflat.
Iliftmyfingertospeak,buthecutsmeoff.
“Let’sgetonethingstraight,Kelsey.I’mnotheretobefriendswithyou,noramIheretotrytosolveanysortofcomplexyoumighthaveaboutnotbeingliked.I’mheretodoajobandI’dpreferyoujustleavemealone.”Heturnsaway,pusheshishandthroughhishair,andmutters,“Christ,”rightbeforeheslamshisdoor.
Well…thatdidn’tgoasplanned.
***
Lottie:Howdiditgo?Arethingsgoodwithyoutwo?
Kelsey:Itrickedhimwithagasscare,gothimoutofhisroom,thenflungmybodyontohisleg.Heproceededtodragmeacrossthepenthouse.Inmyattempttostophim,Iyankedhisshortsdown,trippedhimup,andhispenislandedonmyface.Tosumitup,Iwouldsaythingsarenotgoingwell.
Lottie:Hispeniswasonyourface?Callmecrazy,butthat’satypicalFridaynightformeandHux.Seemslikethingsaregoingswimmingly.
Kelsey:Ihateyou.ChapterTen
JP
“Youknow,maybeweshoulddiscusswhatwe’regoingtosayinthemeeting,”Kelseysaysasshefidgetsnexttomeinthecar.
Lastnightwas…hell,Idon’tevenknowhowtodescribewhathappenedlastnight.IfIwasn’tsoirritated,Imighthaveactuallyfounditcomical.ButmyirritationturnedintoangerasIlayinbedbecauseforthefuckinglifeofme,Icouldn’tgetthefeelingofherexasperatedbreathblowingonmynuts.ThatbreathwasthemostactionI’vereceivedinmonths
Ittingled.
Feltgood.
AndbeforeIknewit,Iwasjackingoffintheshoweroverthegoddamnfactthatshebreathedonmyscrotum.I’msodesperateandhornythatIactuallylikedit.
Letmetellyousomething,thestarkrealizationofthat—ofunderstandingthatyou’resuchalonelybastardthatawoman’sbreathonyourjunkgetsyouhorny—isincrediblyunsettlingand,frankly,pathetic.
Andyet,thereIwaslastnight,hammeringawayonmydickbecause,ifIhadn’t,Iwouldn’thavebeenabletogetanysleep.
Iwokeupthismorning,unabletothinkanylessofmyself.
Inanattempttoliftmyself-esteem,Iwenttothegym,staredatmyselfinthemirrorwhiledoingbicepcurlsandlisteningtoAdele—EasyonMe—andrecitedaffirmationsinmyhead.
Youarestrong.
Youarehandsome.
You’renotapatheticloserwhojacksofftoasimpleexhalation.
OnceIrepeatedthatmantraoverandoverinmyhead,Iwentbacktomyroom,openedmycomputer,anddonatedtenthousanddollarstoapigeonrescue,becauseinallhonesty,Idoubtmanypeoplecareaboutpigeonsatall.
Fromthecombinationofseeingmybicepsworkintheirpureform,Adele’supliftingvoice,myaffirmations,andasoliddonation…IfeltbetteraboutmyselfandfeltconfidentIcouldfacethisdayhead-on.
Thatwas,untilKelseyappearedfromherroomwearingaskintightpencilskirt,whichhitsjustabovehercalves,andablack,sleevelessturtleneck.Shesmelledlikeagoddamnangelsentfromaboveandlookedlikehellonheelswithhervoluptuoushairinwaveshanginglooselyoverhershoulders.
Fuck.
Me.
Thememoryoftheexhalation—that’swhatwe’llcallitnow—cameroaringbacktolife,andIhadtoturnawaytohideanyimpendingexcitement.
Youarestrong.
Youarehandsome.
You’renotapatheticloserwhojacksofftoasimpleexhalation.
ThatwasonrepeattheentiremorningwhileImovedaroundKelsey,grabbingcoffeeandaproteinbarwhileshemadeherselfscrambledeggs,wholewheattoast,spinach,andoddly…blackbeans.I’veneverseenanyoneworksocleanlyinakitchen,norhaveIseensomeonesetoutacompleteplacesetting—placematincluded—forbreakfast.Itwashardnottowatch.
Afterherbreakfastspectacle,wemadeourwaytothelobby,whereacarwaswaitingforus,andnowwe’remakingourwaythroughrush-hourtrafficinSanFrancisco.
“Didyouhearme?”Kelseyasks,pokingme.
Iglanceatwhereshepokedmeinthearmandthenbackatmyphone.
Shehuffsinangerandturnstowardme,swattingmyphoneoutofmyhand.Itfallstothefloorofthecarwithaclunk.
“Hey—”
Withherred-paintednail,shepointsverycloselyatmyfaceandleansin.“Listentome,JonathanPatrickCane—”
“That’snotmyname.”
“Idon’tcareifyournameisJuniorPooper,you’regoingtolistentome.”Don’tlaughatJuniorPooper,donotlaugh.“I’msickofyouignoringme.Let’scalllastnightwhatitwas,atotalmissonmyend.I’lltaketheblameforhowthings…pannedout,butnowyou’rejustbeingcruel.”
“I’mnotbeingcruel.Ijustdon’thaveanythingtosaytoyou.”
“Youalwayshavesomethingtosaytome.Always.FromthemomentIfreakingmetyou,you’vehadsomethingtosay.You’veneverstoppedtalking,nagging,prodding.You’reconstantlyinmyearchatteringaboututternonsense,andnow,allofasudden,you’regoingtostop?Whenwehavetospendtwoweekstogether?”Sheshakesherhead.“Ohno,that’snothowthisisgoingtowork.Iwouldratherspendtwoweeksinapenthousewithyouconstantlyaggravatingmewithyournonsensicaldrivelthanthissilenttreatmentyou’vedecidedtotryout.Youmightnotthinkit’scruel,butitis.It’snotfairtome.Youwon’tevenletmeapologize.”
“Apologizeforwhat?”Iask.
“Formypresumptionthenightofthegala.WhatIsaidwasoutofline,JP.”Sherestsherhandonmyarm.“I’msorry.Youwereright,youwerebeingniceandItookitthewrongway.Inevershould’vemadethatkindofassumptionaboutyou.I’msorry.”
Well…theapologyisnice.Gladtoseeshedoesn’tbelieveI’macompleteasshole.Butgoingbacktotheplayfulbanter,the“nagging,”assheputit,I’mnotsureIcandothat.Idon’tthinkIhaveitwithinmetocontrolmyself.
Messingaroundwithherhasbeenaturn-on.Evenwhenwe’reinfull-ondisagreement,Iloveseeingthesparkinhereyes,thewayshehuffsandpuffsandtriestogetherpointacross.Ilovehearingherreasoningandwatchingasherchestgetsblotchywithirritation.It’shot.
Andnowthatwe’reclosetoeachother,there’snowayI’llbeabletokeepmyhandsoffher.Iknowit.Especiallyafterlastnight’shumiliatingrevelation.
No.
Youarestrong.
Youarehandsome.
You’renotapatheticloserwhojacksofftoasimpleexhalation.
“Thankyouforapologizing,”Isaywhilefishingaroundformyphone.OnceIfindit,Igobacktomyemails.
“Uh…that’sit?Nothingelse?”
“Whatelsedoyouwantmetosay?”
“Idon’tknow—makeajokeabouthowItickledyourballs?”
Thedriver’seyesflashtotherearviewmirrorquicklybeforefocusingontheroadagain.
Wantingtoclarifythings,Ileanforwardandsaytothedriver,“Shedidn’tticklemyballs.Shebreathedonthem.”
“Notonpurpose!”Kelseypracticallyshoutsassheleansforwardaswell,grippingthedriver’sseat.“Hefellonmyface.”
“Aftershepantsedme.”
“It’snotmyfaultyouweren’twearingunderwear.HowwasIsupposedtoknowthat?”
“Eitherway,youshouldn’thavebeenpullingonmyshorts,unless…thatwasyourplanallalong.Tryingtogetmenakedtositonyourface.”Ileanbackandslowlyclap.“Wow,Kelsey,jobwelldone.”
Herheadwhipstowardmeandhernostrilsflare.Ahh,theretheyare.Imissedthem.“Youknowdamnwellmyintentionwasn’ttogetyounakedtositonmyface.Icouldn’timagineamoregrotesquesituation.”
“Didn’tseemtominditlastnight,”Isay,goingbacktomyphone.Sheswatsitoutofmyhandagain.“Hey,stopdoingthat.”
“Ididnotenjoyyourballsonmyface.Ispecificallyrememberscreamingandtellingyoutogetoffme.”
“Yeah,asyouheldmedown.”
Sheturnsbacktothedriver,whohasremainedsilentthisentiretime.WhatIwouldn’tpaytobeinsidehisheadrightnow.“Ididnotholdhimdown.Iwasflusteredanddidn’tknowwhatwashappening.WhenIrealizedwhatwasonmyface,Igotupimmediately.IjustwantyoutoknowI’mnotthekindofgirlwhoenjoysballsonherface.”
“Suchashame,”Isay.
Shegrowlsoutafrustratednoiseandfoldsherarmsoverherchestasshesitsbackinherseat.“WhydoIevenbothertalkingtoyou?You’resoinfuriating.”
“Beatsme.You’retheonewhodidn’twantthesilenttreatment,sothisisyourchoice.”Ilocatemyphoneand,whenshegoestoswatitagain,Iholditclosetomychest.“Nicetry.”
Justthen,herphoneringsinherpurseandshequicklybringsitintoview.Sheglancesatme.“It’sHuxley.”
“Putitonspeaker.”
Lookingatmewithmurderweaponsaseyes,shesays,“IsweartoGod,JP,ifyoubringuptheballsonthefacethingwithhim,I’lllegithauntyouinyoursleep.Doyouunderstandme?”
“Sure,”Isay,eventhoughIwouldn’tsayanythingtotheboys.Ididn’ttellthemlastnightwhathappened,didn’tthinkitwasappropriate.
Puttingonasmile—asifhecanseeher—sheanswersthephone,“Goodmorning,Huxley.”
Wow,whatatransformation,fromashe-deviltoDelightfulDiane.Whoknewshewascapableofsuchametamorphosis?
“Goodmorning,Kelsey.”
“IhaveyouonspeakerphonesoJPcanhearyou.We’reonourwaytothemeetingrightnow.”
“Itakeityoutwohavesettledinsincetheactivitiesoflastnight?”
“OhmyGod,JP,”shesays,lookingatme.“Youtoldyourbrotherthatyourpenislandedonmyface?”
Oh,Kelsey…
Hewasnottalkingaboutthat
Ican’tholdbackmysmile.IheldittogetherwithJuniorPooper,butthis,nope,Ihavetosmile,becauseshejustgaveherselfaway.
“What?”Huxleygrowls.
Kelsey’seyeswidenashercheeksflushtoagorgeousshadeofpink.
“Ididn’ttellhimanything.”Ismirk.“Butyoujustdid.”
“Oh,dearGod,”shewhispers.
“What’sgoingon?JP,ifyoufuckwithher,I’mgoingto—”
“No,nothinghappened,”Kelseyquicklysays.“Itwasjusta,uh,scramble,andthenwetrippedoneachother,andIreallymeanthat,notlike,‘OopsItrippedandfellonhispenis,mybad.’Iswear,thiswasjustanunfortunateincidentanditwasquicklyrectifiedwithscreaming,yelling,andswatting.There’snofunnybusinessbetweenus.”
“She’scorrect,”Isay.“Nothingisgoingon,andtrustme,nothingwillbegoingon.Youdon’thavetoworryaboutthat.”
“Good.Kelsey,youtellmeifhedoestrytomakeamove.”
Irollmyeyes.Iwastheinnocentinallofthis.Ididn’taskhertostripmypantsoffandbreatheonmyscrotum…
Oh,hell.
Herhotbreath…dancingacrossmynuts…
Youarestrong.
Youarehandsome.
You’renotapatheticloserwhojacksofftoasimpleexhalation.
“He’sbeennothingbutprofessional.Don’tworry.JustforgetIevenmentionedit.Anyway,we’reonourwaytothemeeting.”
“Good.Edisonwillmeetwiththebothofyou,alongwithourgeneralcontractor,Regis.He’snew,JP.I’veheardmixedreviewsontheman,sokeepaneyeonhim.”
“Thenwhythehelldidyouhirehim?”Iask.
“Time.Dariuscouldn’tsqueezeusin.ButRegishasdonebeautifulworkaroundthecity,sothat’swhywehiredhim.”
“HaseveryonesignedanNDA?”Iask.
“Yes.Edisonhassomedetailstogooverbeforeyouwalktheproperty.Sincehehasexperienceinrenovatinghistoricbuildingsinthearea,Iaskedhimtobeavoicewhilegoingthroughtheplans.Hehasnoproblemdoingthat.DidyougettherenovationplansthatIemailedlastnight?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.“I’massumingyousentthemtoRegisaswell?”
“Correct,”Huxleyanswers.“Kelsey,Isentthemtoyouaswell.Iwantyoutoinsertyourinputlikeyouhavefortherestofourbuildings.Iknowthisisnewtoyou,startingfromscratch,butIthinkit’simportanttohaveyoutheretooverseeourplansforsustainability.Karlaalsoscheduledmeetingsforyouaroundtownwiththeotherbuildingsthatweown,didyouseethat?”
“Idid.I’massumingyouwantmetowalkthroughthem,speakwiththeofficemanagers,andorganizelikeI’vebeendoinginLosAngeles?”
“Correct.Youhaveabusytwoweeks.Hopeyou’reupforit.”
“Iam,”Kelseysayswithexcitement.
“JP,planameetingwiththemayor.Tellhimexactlywhatweplanondoing.He’sbeenwaryofuscomingintohiscity,butifheseeswhatwestandfor,itmighthelpforfuturebids.WhenIsaidwewereluckytogettheAngelicaBuilding,Iwasn’tfuckinglying.Ifdoneright,thiscouldbehugeforus.We’vebeeninvolvedinrestorationforafewyearsnow,butnothingofthismagnitude.Mixingtheoldwiththenewcouldputusatthetopofthegame.”
“Well,I’mexcited.Ithinkit’sanawesomeplan,preservingthebrillianceoftheold-schoolarchitecture,butalsocombiningtoday’strendstohelpwithcosts,aswellasmakingpositivechangestohelpourenvironment.It’saworthwhilecombination,”Kelseysays.“I’vebeendoingresearchonthestructureandidentityoftheAngelicaandIalreadyhaveatonofideas.Ican’twaittowalkthroughthemall.”
“Good.Doyoutwohaveanyquestions?”
“Idon’tthinkso,”Kelseysaysasshelooksoveratme.Ijustshakemyhead.“Seemslikewe’regood.Thanksforcalling,Huxley.”
“Anytime.Ifyouneedanything,askJP.That’swhyhe’sthere,tohelpyouout.”
“Okay,thanks.”
Theyexchangegoodbyesandthenshehangsupthephone.Shecrossesonelegovertheotherinthatskintightpencilskirt,turnstowardme,andsays,“Hearthat,JP?You’reheretohelpmeout.”
“Yourpoint?”Iaskwithabrowraisedinherdirection.
“Whichmeans…nomoreignoringme.”
“Ifyouhavesomethingproductivetosayorawell-thought-outquestion,I’llbemorethanhappytobeatyourservice.Anythingotherthanthat…justmovealong.”
***
“Mr.Edisonwillberightwithyou,”thereceptionistsaysaswebothtakeaseatonaterriblystiffcouch.
Kelseyglancesaround,butIkeepmyeyestrainedonmyphone.“Thisplaceis…interesting,”Kelseysays.“Isthatachairintheshapeofahandoverthere?”
“Yup,”Isaywithouthavingtolookup.Iknowexactlywhichchairshe’stalkingabout.Isatinitonceanditwasincrediblyuncomfortable.“Edisonbelieveshehasarefinedpalatewhenitcomestointeriordesign.Wheninfact,hehaszerotaste.Waituntilyouseehisdesk.It’sonegiantRubik’sCube.”
“That’s…interesting.”
“Onewaytoputit.”
ThedoorthatIknowleadsintoEdison’sofficeopens,andthebalding,tubbymanwaddlesovertous.Dressedinapairofbrown-and-orangeplaidshortsandagreensuitjacket,hereadsmorelikeanabsoluteimbecilethanaseriousrealestateagent.Buthe’scompletedsomeimportantbusinessdealsforus,sowekeepcomingback,despitehiseccentricities.
Whenhelooksupandspotsme,alargesmilespansacrosshisface.“JPCane,youoldbastard.Howthehellareya?”
Healsohaszerodecorum.
StandingalongwithKelsey,Iwalkuptohimandshakehishand.“Edison,goodtoseeyou.Iseeyou’restillunabletomatchapairofslackswithasuitjacket.”
Heletsoutaboisterouslaughandsays,“Notallofuswanttobecaughtupinaseaofblacksuits.Someofusliketobememorable.”
“Memorable,indeed,”Isaywithasmile,internallyhatingmyself.
Thissideofme?It’sthefake,businessside.It’sthereasonI’mthe“face”ofthecompany,becausewhenpushcomestoshove,Icanslaponasmileandlayonthecharm.Ihave…charisma,andithasdefinitelybeenneededtocleanupHuxley’smessescausedbyhisinabilitytomaskhisirritation.I’mtheoneclientsandpartnerswanttotakeout,becauseIknowhowtohaveaconversationthat’sequalpartsbusinessandfun.Andyet,KelseythinksI’manasshole.
Holdinghishandpastme,Edisonsays,“YoumustbeKelseyGardner.”
“Hello,”Kelseysayspolitelywhileshakinghishand.“It’snicetomeetyou,Mr.Edison.”
“Edisonisfine,dear.Noneedtoaddthemisterinfrontofit.I’msureJPcouldregaleyouwithstoriesofhowsuchaformaltitlewouldnotsuitmeandmypersonality.”
“Icould,butI’llsaveyoutheembarrassment,”Isay,pattinghimontheback.
“Akindman.”Edisongesturestohisoffice.“Please,comein.Regissaidhe’dmeetusattheAngelica.”
IplacemyhandonKelsey’slowerbackforsomereason—whofuckingknowswhy.Iexpecthertopullaway,butwhenshedoesn’t,Icontinuetoguideheruntilwe’reinhisoffice.
Andwhatanofficeitis.I’veneverseenanythinglikeit.AninterestingandboldcombinationofgamingandnerderywithpostersofZeldaononewallandtheperiodictableofelementsonanother.Walkingintohisoffice,youwouldn’tthinkarealestateagent—thetopinthecity,tobeprecise—workedhere.NotthatI’dexpecthimtohavepicturesofbuildingslininghiswalls,butthere’sagiantwhisk—aboutthreefeetlong—hangingbehindhisRubik’sCubedesk.What’swiththewhisk?Didhejustlikeitanddecidetohangitup?Istheresentimentalvaluetothewhisk?Didhewinawhiskingcontestandthat’stheprize?
Inthesittingarea,thereisasetofpurplearmchairsandapolka-dotloveseatsurroundingacoffeetablefishtank…withnofishinit,butrather,floatingeyeglasses.SeewhatI’mtalkingabout?
Weird-as-shitoffice.
IwatchKelseyasshetakesinthespace.
“CanIgetyouadrink?”EdisonasksashesitsdowninthechairclosesttoKelsey.Hewatchesherwithdelightasshecontinuestofindnewthingsabouthisoffice.
“I’mgood,”Kelseysaysafterafewseconds.
“I’mgood,aswell,”Isay.
“Edison,yourofficeissounique.”
“That’sanicewayofputtingit,”Isay,causingEdisontolaugh.“Morelikeagaragesaleformisfits.”
“Heynow,yousaidyoulikedtheZeldaposter,”Edisonsayswithapointedlook.
Ichuckle.“Idid.TheteenageboyinmewasjealouswhenIsawit.”
“Nevertoooldtobeprancingaroundtheforest.”Edisonclapshishandstogether.“Okay,weshouldgettowork,orelsethatbrotherofyoursisgoingtohaveaconniptionthatwedidn’taccomplishanything.”
“Can’thavethat.”Idramaticallyrollmyeyes.
“Firstthing’sfirst…Regisisn’tgoingtolikeworkingwithKelsey.”
Uh,that’snotwhatIwasexpectinghimtosay.
“Whythehellnot?”IaskasIseeKelseyshiftuncomfortablynexttome.
Edisoncrossesonelegovertheotherandsays,“I’veworkedwithhimafewtimes.He’sagreatguy,doesamazingwork,butwhenitcomestorenovations,hehasacertainesthetic.Helikesthingsdonehisway,andsustainabilityisn’tinhiswheelhouse.”
“DidHuxleyknowthiswhenhehiredhim?”
“Iwarnedhim.Hesaidyou’dbeabletohandleit.”
“Ofcoursehedid.”Ileanbackonthecouch,drapingmyarmbehindKelsey,andsay,“Whatkindoftroublearewetalkinghere?Howmuchgriefwillthiscause?”
“EnoughtomakeyouwanttogobacktoLosAngeles.”Edisoncringes.
“Fuck,”Imutter.
“Holdon,itmightnotbethatbad,”Kelseysays.“Icanbequiteagreeableandaccommodating.IthinkweneedtogiveRegisthebenefitofthedoubtfirst.Hedoesn’tknowwhatmyplansareandIdon’tknowwhathisplansare,somaybewegointothisblindandjustseehowitgoes.”
Spokenlikeatruerookie.
***
Regisstares,unblinking.
Itdoesn’ttakeamindreadertoknowexactlywhathe’sthinking.
HeDESPISESKelsey.
Letmepaintapictureforyou.
RegisStallone,bornandbredItalian,straightfromNewJerseywithaheavyaccentandano-bullshitattitude,isdeckedoutinworn,paint-splatteredjeans,aHenleytop,constructionvest,andadentedconstructionhat.Hismustachehasmorecharacterthanthetwoassistantshebroughtalongwithhim,andthetapemeasurethathekeepssnappingupanddownishisfrustrationmeter.Themoreheopensitandsnapsitshut,thecloserandcloserhe’sgettingtolashingout.
Kelsey,charming,yetna?veKelsey,inherhighheels,pencilskirt,andskintighttop,hascomeinhotwithdesignideasthathavebeenapprovedinpreviousbuildingsofoursbutfromthelookonRegis’sface,havenobusinessbeingtossedaroundintheAngelica.Which,accordingtoRegis,wasdesignedtoproclaimitsintricatearchitecture,notsavetheearth.
Thenthere’smeandEdison,standingbetweenthem,watchingthemvolleyideasbackandforth.Currently,we’reonthetopicofwindows.
“Doyourealizehowoldthesewindowsare?”Regisasks.“Thesearecasementwindows,veryrare.Youcan’tpossiblyreplacethem.”
“Butdon’tyousee?Theycan’tevenswingallthewayopenduetobuildingcode,andbecausethey’reoriginaltothebuilding,theydon’thaveanyinsulation,meaningtheyhavezeroenergyefficiency.”
“Youcan’tpossiblybeproposingtoremoveallofthem?”
Kelseynodswithgusto.“Iam.I’vealreadywrittenitinmynotes.”
Regisgrowsevenmorefurious.“Andwhatdoyousupposeyoudowiththewindows?Tosstheminalandfill?Howsustainableisthat?”
Ooh,hehasKelseyonthatone.
“Actually,”Kelseysayswhileflippinghernotepadaround,“Iwasgoingtosuggestthatwerefurbishthemandusethemthroughoutthebuilding.Sincethey’relookingtomakethisintoapartmentbuildings,youcanfashiontheoldwindowsasroomdividersintheindividualapartments,orinthecommonspaceslikeinthelaundryroom.I’dneversuggestwetossanythingintoalandfill.Asamatteroffact,IbelieveI’lltalktoHuxleyaboutanapprovalprocess.Nothingistossedwithoutourpermission.”
Okay…okay.PointforKelsey.
“Doyouunderstandthecostofreplacingallthesewindows?Thesecasingsaren’tstandardsize.”
“Doyouunderstandthetypeofimpactwe’llhaveifwedochangethem?Theenergycostsfortheentirebuilding?Actually,canyouaddinstallingageothermalsystemforheattoyourlist?Thatwilldefinitelycutcostsonenergy.”
“Andwheredoyousupposewedigforageothermalsystem?Ifyouhaven’tnoticed,we’reinthemiddleofthecity.JesusChrist.”Registhenlooksatmeandsays,“JP,aword.”HewalksawayandIknowI’mabouttobeonthereceivingendofarant.JustwhatIfuckingwant.
IstarttowalkafterhimwhenKelseytugsonmyhand.“Whenhe’sdonehavingaword,I’dliketohaveawordaswell.”
“Aboutwhat?”Iask,noticingthetrendalready.Middleman.Fuckingperfect.
“Aboutwhathe’sgoingtocomplaintoyouabout.Ineedtoknowwhathe’ssayingaboutme.”
“Paranoidmuch?”Iask.
“Youknowit’saboutme.”Hereyesgrowworried.“Andifsomeone’stryingtogetmefired,I’dliketoknowwhy.”
“Ithinkyouknowwhy.”ImoveawayfromherandjoinRegisintheotherroom.
Butwhenhestartstalking—Imeanyelling—IknowIwon’tneedasecondconversationwithKelsey,becausegivenhowthintheseoldwallsare,she’llheareverything.
“Youcan’tbefuckingseriouswiththissustainablecrap,”Regisstarts.“Thisisahistoricbuilding,soyoucan’tstripitdownandmakeitmodern.Activistsforthehistoricbuildingsinthiscitywillhaveafielddaywiththis,andI’mtellingyourightnow,ifIhadn’tsignedanNDA,I’dbeheadedtooneoftheirmeetingstoletthemknowthekindofasinineideasthatwomanouttherehas.”
Iputonmy“faceofthecompany”pantsandgentlysay,“Iunderstandyourconcernsabouttheintegrityofthebuilding,Regis.Andwe’rejustasconcernedasyouare.Preservingthehistorywithinthesewallsisjustasvitaltousasitistoyou.Butyouneedtoknowsomething.Kelseyismycolleague,andIwillnottolerateyoutalkingaboutherlikethat.Shedeservesjustasmuchrespectasthenextpersonyouworkwith.Inaddition,she’sright.Ifwe’regoingtoopenthisbuildinguptothepublicforthefirsttimeinoverthirtyyears,weneedtodoitright.Weneedtomakesurewemeettoday’sneedswithyesterday’sintricatedesigns.Compromise,man,okay?”
“There’snopossiblewaywecandoageothermalheatingsystem.I’llcaveonthewindowsifthey’rebeingutilizedelsewhere,buttheheatingsystemcan’tphysicallybedone.”
“Okay,thenmaybewecancomeupwithanothersolution.Iknowthisisourfirsttimeworkingtogether,butthisisn’tKelsey’sfirsttimeworkingwithus.WevalueheropinionandideasandIneedyoutodothesame,orelsewe’llhavetofindsomeoneelsewhocanseeourvision.”IgripRegisontheshoulder.“Andyouwon’twanttomissoutonworkingwithus,especiallywiththekindsofplanswehaveforthefuture.Gotit?”
Regis’smustachetwitchesashenods.He’scapitulating,butIknowit’sonlytemporary.Thenexttwoweekswillbealivingnightmarewhenitcomestomanagingthisman.ThisiswhyHuxleyisinchargeofthisshit.
Wemovebacktothelivingroom.Kelseyisstandingbyherself,whileEdisonisoffinthecorner,talkingquietlyonthephone.Whenshelooksupandmakeseyecontactwithme,there’sreliefinherexpression.There’snodoubtsheheardthatentireconversationanditlooksasifwe’llneedtofigureouthowtomakethesewallsalotthicker.
“Ithinkwe’vedoneenoughtalkingfortoday,”Isay.“We’vewalkedthebuilding;we’vetakennotes.HowaboutyoubothwriteupyourideasaccordingtoHuxley’splans,howwecangetitdone,andthenwecanreconvenesometimeinthenextcoupleofdays?”
Regisstickshispencilbehindhisearandthenshakesmyhand.Tomysurprise,hedoesthesameforKelsey.
Imighthatethisgoddamnjob,butitsureashelllookslikeI’mgoodatit
***
ThecardoorshutsbehindmeandKelseyquickyswivelsinherseat,gratefulnessspreadalloverherface.
“JP,Ican’ttellyouhowthankfulIamthatyoustuckupformewhenspeakingwithRegis.”
Istickmyphoneinmysuitpocketandbucklemyselfin.“Itwasnobigdeal.”
Sherestsherhandonmythigh,drawingmyattention.AndbecauseI’maweakman,mymindgoesrightbacktoyesterday.Myjunkonherface…
Herbreath…
JesusChrist,man!
“Itwasabigdealtome,JP,”shesays.“IknowthelastthingyouprobablywantedwastoplaythemiddlemanbetweenmeandRegis,butIheardwhatyousaidtohimandittrulymeantalottome.I’mnotsureyouknowhowimportantitwasthatyoudidit.”
“Seriously,Kelsey,itwasnobigdeal.”
“No,youneedtohearthis.”Shepushesherhairbehindherear,exposingthecolumnofherneck.Ifighttheurgetocurlmyfingersaroundhernapeandbringherincloser.“Yousetthetone.Movingforward,hopefully,Regiswillknowthatyouhonormyideas.Youestablishedthisisteamworkandnotjustaprojectrunbymen.Ioweyou,JP.”
“Youowemenothing,”Isay,lookingoutthewindownow.KelseyhasbeenworkingwithCaneEnterprisesforseveralmonthsnow,andshe’sprovenherselftoHuxley,Breaker,andme.Sheworkshardandshe’sknowledgeable,notaloftyplanthuggerwithoutspecificandwisegoals.CaneEnterpriseshasareputation—isrespectedforquality—andthere’snowayinhellwe’dalignourselveswithanythingoranyonewedidn’tbelievesawourvision.Todaywasn’taboutsimply“saving”Kelsey,butensuringwehaveateamthatworkscohesively.Surely,sheknowsthatbynow.
“IfitwasHuxleyorBreaker,theywould’vedonethesameexactthing.Weprotectourcompany,you’reapartofthat,therefore,Iprotectedyoutoday.Don’tthinkanythingofit.”
“Okay,well,forwhatit’sworth,thankyou.”
Quietly,Isay,“You’rewelcome.”ChapterEleven
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
ArloandGreer
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.ArloandGreer,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,tellushowyoumet.
Greer:Doyouwanttotellthestory,ordoyouwantmeto?
Arlo:Idon’tthinkyouwantmetotellthestory.
Greer:Probablynot.You’llmostlikelyincludedetailsthatIdon’twanteveryonetoknow.
Arlo:Detailslike…thekitchenIsland?
Greer:Okay,okay,keepyourmouthshut,mister.
Arlo:Whydon’tyoutellheraboutthestinksmell…orthechipmunkvoice…orthebluepee?
Greer:Iassureyou,Kelsey,allthreeofthoseitemsaren’trelatedinanywaytothekitchenislandoranythingsexual,forthatmatter.He’sreferringtothepranksIpulledonhim.
Kelsey:Pranks?Oh,please,tellmemore.
Greer:ItallstartedwhenIwashiredtoteachEnglishattheschoolArlowasteachingat.Hedidn’twanttohiremebecausehethoughtmywayofteachingwastooprogressiveforhisstuffy,old-schoolmentality.
Arlo:SheusedCliffsNotesandmoviestoportraythewrittenword.
Greer:OhmyGod,doweneedtogetintothisnow?
Kelsey:So,Icanseeyouguyshititoffreallywellatfirst.
Greer:Notevenclose.Hewasahotprickinacardigan.Wehatedeachother.That’swherethebluepeecomesin.Sortofprankedhimabittogetbackathim.
Arlo:Iseriouslythoughtsomethingwaswrongwithme.Bluepeeisn’tsomethingaguyshouldeverseeintheurinal.
Greer:Butthen,hemadethisgesture—hedresseduplikeJayGatsbyonmy‘Dresslikealiterarycharacter’dayand…well,itwasthefirststepinthedirectionoffallingforeachother.
Arlo:Itwashardnottotrytoimpressherortokeepawayfromher,forthatmatter.Andwhenshewentoutonadatewithsomeoneelse,IknewIwasbeingacompletefooland,ifIdidn’tsnatchheruprightthenandthere,I’dregretitforever.
Greer:I’mgladhedid,becauseI’veneverbeenmoremadlyinlove.
***
Mom:HowisSanFrancisco,honey?Ihaven’tbeeninyears.I’mquitejealous.
Ireadmymom’stextmessageandsmileasIlieonmystomachonmybedandtextherback.
Kelsey:It’sbeautiful.Ihaven’tbeenabletoexploreyet,butsoon.Justwalkingaround,though,smellingtheocean,feelingthebreeze.Makesmewanttomoveuphere.
Mom:Ohno,youdon’t.Nodaughterofmineismovingawayfromme.
Kelsey:FunnyyousaythatafteryouwerebeggingLottietomoveout.
Mom:Moveout,yes.Moveaway,no.
Kelsey:Ahh,Isee.
Mom:AndhowislivingwithJP?
Kelsey:Canyounotfishforinformation?Ipromiseyou,nothingishappeningbetweenus.Whichremindsme,Ileftmyfoodinthemicrowave.Ineedtogetit.
Mom:Buthe’ssohandsome.
Kelsey:Bye,Mother.
Isetmyphonedownonmybedandheadtowardthekitchen,butpause.Ilookatmyselfinthemirrorandscanmyoutfit.Joggersandawhitetanktopwithnobra.Semirevealing,butnotrevealingenough,plusJPisn’thome.Hewentoutsomewhere.Nothingtoworryabout.
I’mnotgoingtochangeclothestoretrievemyfoodfromthemicrowave.
Iheadoutofmyroomanddownthehalltothekitchen,debatingifIshouldstartanewshow,suchacommitment,orfindamoviethatappealstome,alsoacommitment.IfIchooseashow,thatmeansIhavesomethingtowatchfor—
“Errrrrrrrm.”
Ipause.
Whatwasthat?
Idon’tmove.
Iholdmybreath,waitingtohearthenoiseagain.
Thewaythebuildingismappedout,youwouldn’thearthepenthouseontheotherside,andIknowI’malonebecauseJPsaidhewasgoingout.So,doesthatmean…issomeoneinhere?
MyheartpoundswildlyinmychestasIcreepforward,listening,waiting.
“Urggghhh.”
Thereitisagain.
Thistime,thesoundsendsachilldownmyspine,andthehairsonthebackofmyneckrise.
Thatisn’tanormalbuildingcreakingsound.That’sasoundthatcomesfromahuman.Orasufferinganimal.
Orasufferinghuman.
Somethingissuffering.
Creepingforward,ItrytostayasquietasIcansoIcanlocatethesound.
“Uhhhhhhhrrrrrr.”
Myheadsnapstotheright,downthehallwaytowardJP’sroom.
Sincetheonlylightoninthemainlivingspaceisinthekitchen,Icanseethatthere’snolightshowingthroughthecrackunderJP’sdoor.
Sohe’sdefinitelynothome.
Whichmeans…there’seitheramurdererinthere,asufferinganimal,oraghost.
Ishuffletothekitchen,keepingmyeyesonhisdoortheentiretimeasIhaphazardlyreachforawoodenspoonfromtheutensilscrockonthecounter.Spooninhand,Icreeptowardhishallway,onlytostopwhenIhearthenoiseagain.
“Frrrrrrrreeerm.”
OhGod.
OhGod.
OHGOD!
IcanpracticallytastemyheartbeatasImovecloser.Mypulsezapsagainstmyneck,stiffeningmyshoulders.WhyamIdoingthisalone?IshouldwaitforJPtogethome.
“Uhhhhhh.”
Isqueezemyeyesshutandnervouslyruninplace,myfeetlightlypaddingonthefloor.
Turnaround,youidiot,thisishowpeopleinscarymoviesdie.Theyinvestigatethesound.Butjustlikeeveryothermoroninascarymovie,Idon’truntomyroomandcallforhelp.Idon’tevengrabafreakingknife.
Nope,mannedwithawoodenspoon—theworstitcandoistossasalad—IslidecloserandclosertohisroomuntilIhearit…aconstantpumpingsound.Like…ohGod,likesomeoneisgettingstabbed.
“Fuuuuuu.”
Stabbed!
They’regettingstabbedinhisroomrightnow.Wait…whatifJPisgettingstabbedandI’mjuststandinghere,outsideofhisdoorwithawoodenspoon,doingnothing?Whatifhecamehomewithoutmeknowingandwasattacked?
Mynipplesgrowhardinfear.
Inearlychokeonmysaliva.
AndbeforeIcanstopmyself,Ipulldownonthedoorknob,thenkickthedooropenandaccompanyitwithawarriorscreamthatnearlydeafensme.
“EEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH!”Iyell,wieldingmyspoonattheair.
“Whatthefuck!”JP’svoicecallsout.
Myeyeslandonthebed,wherehepopsup,completelyandutterlynaked…andholdingapillowinfrontofhiscrotch.
Whatis…
Ohno.
OhGod.
OH,DEARHEAVEN.
Thatwasn’tasufferinganimal.
Orasufferinghuman.
Oraghost.
Orastabbing.
Thatwas…
Oh,sweetlord,thatwasJPjackingoff.
ThespoonfallsfrommyhandasIquicklycovermyeyesandspinaway.
“Oh,wow…sorry.You’re,uh,you’rehome,havingprivatetime.”Eyesstillcovered,Iheadinthedirectionofthedoor,butrunrightintothewall,bangingmynoseandforeheadonthehardsurface.“Oh,fuck,”IsayasIfeelaroundwithmyotherhand,tryingtofindthedoorway.
Iturn,spin.
LosetrackofwhereI’mgoing.
AndbeforeIknowit,myhandiscaressingaverystiffbody.
“Ahh,”Iyellagain,droppingthehandcoveringmyeyesonlytofindmyotherhandpassingoverJP’snipples.“Ohshit,sorry.That’syour,uh,that’syourmanchest.Yournipple.Iwasjustrubbingyournipple.Notonpurpose.NotbecauseIwantedto.”
“Kelsey,whatthefuckareyoudoinginhere?”
“Greatquestion.”Iofferhimathumbsup.“AndIhaveanequallygreatexplanation.Yousee,IwenttograbmydinnerwhenIheardthisnoise.Ithoughtitwasaghostoramurderer,orevenasufferinganimal,likeasquirrelcaughtinawallorsomethinglikethat.Youneverknowintheseoldbuildings.Anyway,IthoughtI’dcheckitout,andthenwhenIgotcloser,Ithoughtyouwerebeingstabbed.Itreallysoundedlikeastabbing,notthatIlistentostabbingnoises,but,youknow,themoviesprepareyouforsuchsounds,soIcameinhere,attemptingtoscareawaythestabber.”
Hestaresatme,hisfacefallingflat.“Withawoodenspoon?”
“Ididn’tsayIwasbeingsmartaboutit.Iwasjusttryingtobeaherowithoutaplan.Iseenowthatmaybethatwasn’tthebestidea.”
“Youshould’vefuckingknocked.Jesus.”Hewinces,andbecauseIcan’thelpmyself,Iglancedownathispillowandthenbackupathim.
“Didyougettofinish?”
“DoesitlooklikeIgottofinish?”
“Well,Idon’tknow.MaybeyouwereinthemiddleofcomingwhenIcamein.”Ireachoutandtouchthetipofhisnipple—stillnotsurewhy.“Yournippleishard.”
Hetakesastepforward,closingthespacebetweenus,andpokesmynipple,deadcenter.
“Ow,”Icomplain,coveringmynipple.
“Yournippleishard.Doesthatmeanyou’recomingaswespeak?”
“Don’tpokemynipplelikethat.Ithurts.”
“Itdidn’thurt.”
“Yes,itdid.”
“No,itdidn’t.”
“YES,itdid!”IsayasIreachoutandpokehisnipplethesamewayhepokedmine.Hedoesn’tevenflinch.So,Idoitagain.Andagain.And—
Hepokesmyothernipple.
AgasppopsoutofmeasIcoverthatboob,too.
Theactualaudacityofthisman.
“Ican’tbelieveyoupokedbothofmynipples.”
“Youpokedmine,”hesays,standingthereinaface-off,testingme.
“Thisisn’tatitfortittypeofthing.”
“Isthissomethingyoudooftentoknowtherulesaboutit?Bargeinwhensomeone’sjackingoffandthenstartpokingtheirnipples?”Hepokesmyhand.
Igrowangrierandpokehimback.
Hepokesmeinthechest.
Ipokehimintheabdomen.
Heswatsmyshinwithhisfoot.
Icryoutinshockandthenswatathimwithmyfoot,followedbyapoke.
Hefakesmetotherightandthenpokesmeontheleft.
“Urgggh.”Ireleasebothmybreastsandgoinforadoublepoke,buthe’sjustswiftenoughtopokemeinthenippleonemoretimebeforesteppingaway.BeforeIknowwhatI’mdoing,Irunathimatfullforceandtacklehimtotheground,hispillowfallingtotheside,mefallingontopofhisstomach,straddlinghim.
Andlikethecasualassthatheis,heputshishandsbehindhisheadandstaresupatme.
“Ifthisiswhatyouwanted,babe,youshould’vejustasked.”
MyteethgrindtogetherandIsay,“Iwastryingtosaveyou.”
“Likelystory.”
“Iwas,”Isay,moreirritated.“IsaidIoweyou,andthat’swhatImeant.Iwasthrowingmybodyatyourattacker.”
“Youwerethrowingyourbodyatme.”
Igrowlandthenpokehimagain.
Hepokesmeback,thistime,liftingmybreastwhilehedoesit.
“Stopthat!”Iyell.
“Youstopit.”
“Ididstop.”
“No,youstarteditagain.”
“Becauseyou’reirritatingme.”
“Becauseyouinterruptedmymantime.”
“Yourmantime?”Ipause,lettinghiswordssinkin,andforsomereason—maybethewayhesaidit,thewordshechose—theyhitmeinawayIwasn’texpecting.Istarttogiggle.
Thengigglesomemore.
Thensnort.
Thenchuckle.
Alaugh…
“What’ssofuckingfunny?”
“Yousaidmantime.”
“So?Whatdoyoucallit?”
“Notmantime.”Ilaughsomemore,theobnoxious,nervous,butalsocan’tcontrolitlaughter.
Thatcauseshimtolaugh.
Smilelinescreasehiseyes.Joyovertakeshisexpression.Andthen,we’relaughingtogether,tothepointthatIrolloffhisstomachandfalltotheground.IcatchhimpullingthepillowbackoverhiscrotchsoIdon’tseeanythingashischestmovesupanddownwithlaughter.
Afterwhatseemslikeforever,Iturntowardhimandsay,“I’msorryIinterruptedyourmantime.Nexttime,canyouattempttonotsoundlikeasufferinganimal?”
Hepasseshishandsoverhiseyes.“I’mnevergoingtobeabletocomeagainwithoutworryingwhatIsoundlike.Thankyouforthat.”
“You’rewelcome.”Isitupandsay,“Ithinkweneededthis.”
“Youwalkinginonmejackingoff?”heaskswithhumor.
“No,notthatperse,justamomentoflevitytobreakupthetension.”
“Trustme,babe,thetensionisstilltheresinceyoudidn’tletmecome.Probablyworsethanever.”
Iwince.“Well,then,letmeletyougetbacktoyour…mantime.”Webothstand,himstillcoveringhimself.“Trynottobesoloudthistime.”
“Yeah,trustme,I’llbeputtingagoddamnsockinmymouthfromnowon.”
“Whatevergetsyouoff.”
WebothsmirkandthenIleavebeforeIburstintoanotherfitoflaughter.
***
“Howwastherestofyournight?”IaskwhenJPwalksintothekitchenthenextmorning,freshlyshoweredanddressedinasuitandtie,anoutfitIseehiminregularly.Forsomereason,hischoiceofclothingfeelsdifferenttoday.
Maybebecauseofwhathappenedlastnight.Walkinginonhimduringhis“mantime.”Itwaskindofsexy,knowingthathewasdoingthatwhileIwasinthepenthouse.Thathedidn’tcarethatIwasnearby.Ithoughtaboutitalllastnight.Didhewantmetohearhim?Washetauntingme?Thatwouldbetruetohispersonality,todosomethinglikethat.
“Therestofmynight?”JPasks,brieflylookingoverhisshoulderashegetshiscoffee.“Explosive.”
Iswallowhard.
Explosive,asin…
“Well,that’sgoodtoknow.”
Heturnsandleansagainstthecounterashebringsthemugtohislips.“Isitgoodtoknow?”
“Sure,everyonedeserves…relief.Iinterruptedtheprocess,soI’mgladyougottofinish.”
“Seemslikeanoddthingtosaytosomeone.”
“Yeah,Iwasjustthinkingthat.”Ipushmyplatetothesideandsitbackinmychairatthediningroomtable.“Ihonestlywasn’tsurewhatIwasgoingtosaytoyouthismorning.ThatwasthebestIcouldcomeupwith.”
“Itwasweak.”
“Iknow.MaybethisiswhyI’mstillsingle,becauseIhaveweakrepartee.”
“Nah,that’snotit.”
“Oh?DoyouhaveatheoryaboutwhyI’mstillsingle?”
Heslowlynodswhileloweringhismug.“Tryingtoohard.”
“HowamItryingtoohard?”
“Becauseyou’realwayslookingforthenextdate.Whynotsitbackandwaitforsomethingtohappen?Youneverknow,thepersonyou’remeanttobewithmightberightinfrontofyourface.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’vetriedthewaitinggame.Nothinghashappened.MaybeIshouldstartwalkingaroundneighborhoodslikeLottiedid.”
“Couldhelp.”Hesmilesandthentakesaseatatthetable.“Maybeifyoustoplooking,it’llfindyou.”Thenheshrugsandsays,“Plus,you’rehot.It’snotlikeyoudon’tarouseinterest.”
“Ihavenone,JP.EdwinwasthebestIcoulddo.”
“Edwinwasatool.”Herotateshismugonthetable.“Therehastobesomethingyou’remoreinterestedinthanfindinglove.”
“Well,Idohavethispodcast,butit’sfocusedaroundlove.”
Hechuckles.“What’sitcalled?”
“MeanttoBe.Iinterviewcouplesonhowtheymetandfoundlove.”Sheepishly,Ishrug.“IguessIjustlovelove.Ienjoyoriginstories,meet-cutes,andthedifferentwayspeoplefindeachother.It’sfascinatingtome.Ialsoliketakingaquaticclasses.”
“Aquaticclasses?”heasks.“Tellmemoreaboutthat.Like,aerobicsinthewater?”
Inod.“Yeah.I’measilytheyoungestintheclass,butthatdoesn’tbotherme.Ijustlikeworkingoutinthewaterandthemusictheyplayisold-schoollovesongs.So,itworksforme.”
“Doyouwearaone-piece?”
“Ofcourse.”
Heshakeshishead.“Suchashame.”
“I’mnotabouttoworkoutwithabunchofoldladiesinatwo-piece.Ihavearespectableone-piece.”
“Color?”
“Red.”
“Nice.”Hetakesanothersipofhiscoffee.“What’syourplanfortoday?”
“Iwasgoingtofinalizemyideasfortherenovations.Maybegoforawalk.Ihavemeetingslinedupfortomorrow,butnothingtoday.Whataboutyou?”
Hecheckstheexpensive,matte-blackwatchwrappedaroundhisthickwristandsays,“IhaveameetinginaboutthirtyminutesthatIhavetorunto.Wanttomeetmeforlunch?”
“Oh,uh,sure,”Ianswer,caughtoffguard.Meethimforlunch?Asin…justthetwoofus?Thatdoesn’tseemlikehim.Thenagain,Ithinklastnightmighthavebrokentheiceforhim.Forus.
HewasbroodingontheplanetoSanFrancisco.
ButIapologizedforthegala.
HedefendedmetoRegis.
Andwebrokethetension.
Maybethisisthenextstep.
Hetapsthetablewithhisknuckleandrisesfromthechair.“I’lltextyouthetimeandplace.Seeyoulater,Kelsey.”
“Bye,”Isaywithanawkwardwave,watchinghimwalkaway.
Huh…
Maybethistripwon’tbeasbadasIfirstthought.
***
“Pickle-flavoredchips?Idon’tknowaboutthat,”IsayasIstareatthebagofchipsJPinsistedonsharing.
Hereachesforthebag,popsitopen,andtiltsittowardme.“Tryone.Ipromiseyou’lllikeit.”
“AndwhatifIdon’t?”
“Thenyouneednewtastebuds.”
“Youaren’talwaysright,youknow,”Isaywhiletakingachip.
“Mostofthetime,Iam.AndI’mrightaboutthesechips.”Hetakesoneaswell,andtogether,weplacetheminourmouths.Theheavenly,seasonedchipintroducesmytonguetoaworldofflavors.Liketastyfireworksblastingoffinmymouth.
Anddamnit…he’sright.They’regood.
They’rereallygood.
SomeofthemostflavorfulchipsI’veeverhad.
“Whatdoyouthink?”heasks.
Notwantingtohandhimthesatisfactionofmelikingthem,Ijustshrugandsay,“Eh,they’reokay.”
Thecornerofhisliptwitchesashewhispers,“Liar.”Thenhepullsthebagclosertohimandadds,“Ifthey’rejustokay,IguessI’lleatthemmyself.”
Should’veseenthatcoming.
Igroanandholdoutmyhand.“Fine…they’rereallyfreakinggoodandIwantmore,please.”
Thatcauseshimtolaugh.HehandsmethebagandItakeanicefistfulofchipsformyplate.“See,alwaysright,”hesays.
“Andhumble,too.”Ipopafewmorechipsinmymouth.“So,whatwastoday’smeetingabout?”
Hesighsandsays,“JustameetingwithEdison.WewentaroundandlookedatsomeotherbuildingsHuxleywantedmetocheckout.”
“Anythinggood?”
“Notreally.Notworthourtime.”
“Howcanyoutellifit’sworthyourtimeornot?”
Hebrusheshishandwithanapkin,cleaningtheheavypickleseasoningfromhisfingers.“Locationisalwaysthefirstthing.Thepurposeofthebuilding—willitbeworththetimeandenergyweputintoittomakemoney?Andthen,ofcourse,renovations.Therewasalsonocharactertothesebuildings.Theywerejustkindofthere.We’vemadeplentyofmoneyongenericbuildings,you’veseenthemaroundLA,andwehaveafewinNewYorkCitynow,too.They’vedonethejob,butnowwe’remoreinterestedinuniquebuildings.”
“Passionprojects?”
“Sortof,”heanswers.“Huxleyreallywantstoexpand,hencewhyhepartneredwithyou.SometimesIthinknothingwillbegoodenough,thathe’llconstantlykeeppressingtobethebest,butI’mnotsurewhatthebestis.”
“Meanwhile,yourworkloadisfillingup.”
“Exactly.”Heglancesoutthewindowofthesandwichshopandsays,“I’msurprisedyoumetupwithmeforlunch.Ithoughtyouhatedmetoomuchtodosuchathing.”
“Idon’thateyou.Hell,Ithoughtyouhatedme.Iwassurprisedthatyouaskedmetolunch.Wasn’tsureifitwasaploytodosomethingelse.”
“Likewhat?”Hechuckles.
“Idon’tknow,plantsomesortofchipinmybedroomsoyouknewwhatIwasdoingatalltimes.”
“Jesus.”Helaughs.“WhatkindofpsychopathdoyouthinkIam?”
“Apparently,acreepyone.Idon’tknow.It’sjustnicethatyou’retalkingtome.”
“I’vealwaystalkedtoyou,Kelsey,Ijustvarythetone.”
“No,youweredoingthesilenttreatmentthereforabit.”
“Becauseyoupissedmeoff,”hecounters.“IwasbeinganiceguythatnightandyoutreatedmelikeIwasaninsensitiveasshole.”
“Iknow,andI’msorry.IthinkIwasjustthrownoffbythatentireevening,andIwasn’tinthebestframeofmind.CanIask,whatwereyourintentionsforthatnight?Youaskedmetodance,why?”
“Because.”Hepopsanotherchipinhismouthandchews.“Iwantedtomakesurethatyouhadsomefun.Gettingrunoverbyanoldmanwasn’ttheplan.Butatleastthatbroughtyoualittlejoy.”
“AndthenEdwinandGenesistookoff.RemindsmeofWhenHarryMetSally—youknow,whentheygoonadoubledateandtheirdatesgooffwitheachother.Thatwasus.”
“Youluckedout,then.IwasmuchbettercompanythanEdwin.Bettertolookat,too.”
“Ah,there’sthathumility.”
“I’mhumble.I’mjustshowingyouthatIknowmyworth.Nothingwrongwiththat.”
“Isupposenot.”Ifinishmylastchipandask,“Sowhenwegotbacktoyourplace,whatwasyourintention?”
“Tokickyoutoyourcarandsendyouonyourway.Ihadadatewithsomechocolate-coveredcherriesthatnightandthehellifIwassharingwithyou.”
“Stop,no,youdidnot.”
Heholdshisheart.“Swearbyit.Iwentbacktomyhouse,satinmyemptylivingroombecauseIdidn’thaveanyfurnitureatthatpoint,andatefivechocolate-coveredcherrieswhileIscrolledthroughTwitter.”
“I’mhavingahardtimebelievingyou.Youdon’tseemlikethekindofguywhokicksbackwithaboxofchocolate-coveredcherries.”
“Well,Iam,”hesays.“They’remykryptonite.I’lldoanythingforthemandIhaveapantrystockedwithboxes.QueenAnne’s,tobeprecise,becauseIknowthatwasyournextquestion.”
“You’reserious?”
“Yes.Don’tbelieveme?TextHuxley.”
“I’mnotgoingtobotherhimwiththat.”
“Fine,Iwill.”Hepullshisphonefromhispocketandstartstypingaway.Hepressessend,andthen,withanairofarrogance,hetakesasipofhisdrink.Hisphonesoonbuzzesonthetable.Hedoesn’tlookattheanswer.Hesimplyunlocksthescreenandturnsittowardme.
JP:SittingherewithKelsey.Shedoesn’tbelieveI’mobsessedwithchocolate-coveredcherries.Setherstraight.
Huxley:Hehasatleastthirtyboxesinhispantry.It’sanobsession.
IglanceatJP,whosmirksnow.“Toldyou.”
“Wow…that’ssomethingIneverwould’veguessedaboutyou.”
“Sometimesyouhavetogettoknowsomeonefirst,Kelsey,beforeyoustarttryingtoputtheminalaneinyourmind.There’salotyoudon’tknowaboutme.Stickaround.I’msureyou’llfindoutmore.”
“Yes,Iprobablywill.JustlikeIfoundoutyoudon’tmindmasturbatingwhileotherpeoplearehome.”
Withagrin,hewinks.“Precisely.”
***
“Whatareyouuptotonight?”LottieasksoverthephoneasIfinishmynighttimeskincareregimen.
Ifyouwerewondering,Iwashmyface,patitdry,applymynighttimewrinkle-freeserum,followedbymoisturizer,andthenlockitinwithatouchofroseoil.Ifollowupthewholeprocessbyapplyinglotiontotherestofmybody.
“Nothingspecial.Spentdinneronmyownagain,secondnightinarow.JPhadameetingwithsomeone,soIjustorderedsomecauliflowermacandcheeseandcalleditanight.I’mplanningtoreadabookinthelivingroombecausetheskylineatnightissobeautiful.IwanttosoakitinasmuchasIcan.”
“Sounds…riveting.Here’sanidea—whenhegetshome,whydon’tyoutrytowalkinonhismantimeagain?”
Yeah,Itoldherabouttheothernight.Ihadto.She’smysister.ButIdidn’ttellheraboutthelunch,becauseIdidn’twanthergettingallweirdaboutit.Itwasasimplelunch,nothingtoocrazy,nothingtotalkabout.
“I’mnevergoingnearthatroomagain.”
“Comeon,afterthatnipplepoking,youcan’ttellmeyou’renotinterestedinseeingwhatit’sliketobekissedbyJP.Nowisthetime.Youguysarealone,together,mightaswelltestitout.”
“Haveyouhityourselfonthehead?Thatisn’twhatwe’rehereforandthere’snowayI’mgoingthere.”
“Areyousayingyoudon’twanthim?BecauseIdon’tbelievethat.TheCanebrothersareanotherbreed,andit’sclearthere’schemistrybetweenyouandJP.Findouthowhotitcouldbebetweenyouguys.”
“JPdoesn’twantmeinthatway.Therewasnothingsexualaboutthenipplepoking.Iftherewastheslightestbitofsexinesstothat,hewould’veattemptedsomethingwhenIwassittingonhischest.And,also,sure,Ithinkhe’shot,butIdon’twanttogotherewithhim.I’mnotlookingforaone-nightstand.I’mlookingforlove.”
“Ifhe’sanythinglikeHuxley,youwon’twantittobeonenight.”
“He’llwantonenight.Youknowhedoesn’tdorelationshipsandIdon’tevenknowwhywe’retalkingaboutthis,asnothingishappeningbetweenus.Thatwholeordealinhisroomwasanaccident.Ihavenointentionoffurtheringanysortofphysicaltouching.”
“Okay,buttellmethis—howdiditfeelpokinghisnipple?”
Oddlygood.
Andaftertheinitialshockofhimpokingmeworeoff,Ikindoflikedit.
Theplayfulness.
Itwasadifferentsideofhim,andIappreciatedit.ButIneedtoputastoptoLottie’sincessantneedtogetmetothinkofJPinanotherway.
“Itwassimple.It’snotlikesomemagicalsparkeruptedbetweenus.Itwasbriefandawkwardandwedidn’ttalkaboutitafter.I’mtellingyou,nothingisgoingon,sojustdropit.”
“Ugh,”shegroans.“Whyareyouruiningmydreams?”
“Yourdreams?Whatonearthdoyoumean?”
“Brother-brother,sister-sistercouples.”
“Ifeellikeyoudidn’tsaythatintherightorder.”
“YouknowwhatImean,”shehuffs.“Itwouldbesocoolif,assisters,wedatedbrothers.”
“You’renotjustdatingHuxley,you’remarryinghim.Which,bytheway,howwasthefloralmeeting?”
“Boring,”shesays.“HuxleyinsistsonthebestforourweddingandIkeeptellinghimit’snotnecessary.HetoldmetodayhewantstoflyinsomeItaliandesignertomakemydress.ItoldhimhewasnutsandthatIcouldjustgotosomeboutiquehereinLA.Youshould’veseenthedisgustedlookonhisface.Asifthethoughtofhavingtoshopformyowndressissofarbeneathhim.Thethingis,Kelse,Ijustwanttobemarried,Idon’tcareaboutallthefanfare.”
“ButitmatterstoHuxley,right?”
“Yes,”shedrawls.“WhichmeansIshouldjustgoalongwithit.Youknow,hewasneverthisflashywhenwefirststartedourwholerelationshipfarce.”
“Uh,Ibegtodiffer.Doyounotrememberthedesignerclothesandexpensivelingerieheforcedyoutowear?Peopledidn’tevenseeyourlingerie,andyet,Huxleyinsistedyouwearwhathechose,andnothingcostlessthanonehundreddollarsapiece.”
“Ah,Iguessyou’reright.Whichremindsme,howareyoulikingthosenighttimerompers?”
“OhmyGod,Lottie.Ilovethemsomuch.They’resocomfortable.Ibroughtthemwithmetosleepin.”
“Wait…that’swhatyoutooktosleepinwhileyou’rethere?”
“Yeah,why?”
Shelaughs.“Okay,sure,Kelsey,nothingisgoingtohappenbetweenyouandJP.”
“Ibroughtarobetogooverit.Listen,I’mnotgoingtosacrificemycomfortbecauseitmaybeconsideredindecent.Idon’tplanonwalkingaroundinthem.I’llalwayshavearobeon.”
“Ifyousayso.Butletmetellyouthis,youhavethatdatewithDerekinacoupleofdays.Ifyou’reinanywayinvolvedwithJP,pleasedon’thurtDerek’sfeelings.Elliewouldkillme.”
“YouknowIwouldn’tdothat.I’mactuallyexcitedaboutthedate.Ibroughtafewdressoptionsforthatnight.Youcanhelpmepickone.”
“Okay,good.Oh,hey,Huxley’sgivingmebedroomeyes,soIshouldprobablygo.”
“Shocking—youtwoaregoingtohavesex,whatelseisnew?”
“Yousoundjealous.”
No,justhorny.
“Havefun,sis.Goodnight.”Ihangupthephoneandthengotomyroomtopickupmybook,aromcomaboutthreesiblingswhogobacktotheirhometowntothrowananniversarypartyfortheirparents,butthenallhellbreaksloosewhentheirpersonalitiesclashandtheirlovelivesaretested.I’veheardnothingbutgreatthingsaboutit.
Iheadbacktothelivingroom.Iswitchonthelight,illuminatingthespaceandthemanstandingthereinnothingbutapairofsweats,aglassofwaterinhishand.
“JesusHELLONEARTH!”IscreamasIstumblebackwards.“JP,”Ihuffout.“Whatthehellareyoudoing,standinginthedarklikethat?”
Thelightestofsmirkspullsathislips.“Justgrabbingsomewater.”Hiseyesscanme,takinginmyrobeandbarelegs.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Iwasgoingtoreadouthereandenjoytheskyline.God,whendidyougethome?”IattempttocalmmyracingheartasImakemywaytothecouch.
“Abouttenminutesago.Didn’tfeellikesayinghitoyou.”
“Well,aren’tyoukind?Youwerejustgoingtowaitaroundinthedarktoscareme?”
“HowwasIsupposedtoknowyouweregoingtoreadinhere?Seemskindofweirdtomeifyouplanonreadingabookwhileenjoyingtheskylinebecauseyoucan’tdobothatthesametime.”
“Yes,Ican,”Isaywithatiltofmychin.“EverysooftenIcanlookupfrommybookandenjoythescenery,andthengobacktoreading.”
“Thebookcan’tbethatgoodifyou’relookingupfromit.”
Itakeadeepbreathandslowlyletitout.“Isthereareasonyou’restickingaroundandnotretreatingbacktoyourspace?”
“Questionforyou.”
“Oh,pleasedelightmewithyourinquiry,”Isay,foldingonelegovertheother.
Hiseyesstraytomylegsforonlyamomentbeforeheshiftsonhisfeet.“Fridaynight,I’vebeeninvitedtothemayor’shouseforaball.Wasn’tsureifyouwantedtotagalong.”
He’saskingmeoutagain.
Well,notaskingmeout,likeonadate,butaskingtospendmoretimewithme,andI’dbelyingifIsaiditdoesn’tthrillmethathewantsthat.
But…hell.I’mbusyFridaynight.
“Fridaynight?”Iaskandwince.“That’swhenIhavethatdatewithDerek.Idon’twanttostandhimup.”
JP’sfacetightensasheasks,“Date,huh?Stillgoingoutwiththatguy?”
“Well,seeingasthoughI’mcurrentlyinthedatingring,Iwouldsayyes.Butifthisisaworkthing,IcanseeifDerekcanreschedule.”
“It’snot.Goonyourdate.Findlove.I’msurehe’llbethemanofyourdreams.”Fromtheclippedtone,thewayhe’sduckingawayfromtheconversation,it’sclearhe’sflip-floppedfromthe“warmingup”JPbacktohisgrumpypersona.
“Youdon’thavetobeadickaboutit,JP.”
“Didn’tthinkIwasbeingadick.”
Igripmybooktighter.“Yoursarcasmisunmistakable.”
“I’msorryyouseeitthatway.”
“Idon’tseeitthatway,JP,that’showyou’reacting.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetodo?Throwapartyforyoubecauseyoufinallyhaveadate?”
“Hey,”Isay,feelinginsulted.“Don’tthrowthatinmyface.”
“Throwwhatinyourface?”HepusheshishandthroughhishairandIcanseehowhismusclescontractwithhisannoyance.Well,guesswhat,I’mannoyed,too.
“ThefactthatIdon’tgetmanydates.Usingthewordfinallyinyoursentencewasalowblow.”
“JesusChrist,areyougoingtopickaparteverysentenceIsaytoyou?”
“No,butifyou’regoingtoberudetome,thenI’mgoingtopointitout.”
“I’mnotbeingrude.Christ,stopbeingsosensitive.”
“Me,sensitive?”Iask,pointingatmychest.“HowamIbeingsensitive?You’retheonewhosemoodswingslikegoddamnTarzanonavine.ForChrist’ssake,Ican’tkeepupwithyou.Justmomentsago,wewerecool,andnowyou’rebeingmean.IsthisbecauseIcan’tgowithyoutotheball?Newsflash,JP,peopleneedsomenotice.”
“Don’tflatteryourself,”hesaysandturnstowardhisbedroom.
“Whyareyoulikethis?”
“Likewhat?”
“Wewerehavinganicetime.Wehadagreatlunch,wewerecommunicatingwell,andnowyou’redismissingme.”
“Howdoyouwantmetoact?Doyouwantmetogushoveryourdate?”
Iwanthimtobenormal.
Iwanthimtonotpushmeaway.
Iwanthimto…to…God,I’msoirritatedthatIcan’tthinkstraight.
Ijustwanttomakehimunderstand.WhenIdon’tanswer,hestartstowalkawayagain,butnope,that’snotachoiceI’llgivehim.
Wewillbetalkingaboutthis.
Andwe’llbetalkingaboutthisnow.
Itossmybookonthecoffeetableinfrontofmeandwalkuptohim.Igrabhishand,pullhimtothecouch,andforcehimtositdown.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”
Noanswers.Hedoesn’tdeservethem.Ipushhimbackagainstthecushionofthecouch,straddlehislap,andtakeaseat.
“Uh,Kelsey…”
“I’mnotgettingupuntilyouchangeyourattitude.”There,dealwiththat!
“Isthisanotherattempttotrapmeagain?”
“Yes.Anddon’tgetanyfunnyideas.I’mnottryingtodoanything…sexual,butknowingyou,thispositionissatisfactorytoyou,therefore,thisiswhereI’llsit,onyourlap,untilyoucantalktomewithoutasarcastictoneinyourvoice.”
“Mighttakeabit,”hesays,sippingwaterfromhisglass.
Istealtheglassfromhimandsetitontheendtable.Ipushhimbackonthecouchwithmyotherhand.
“Man,Ididn’tknowyouwereadominatrix.That’sahiddengem.”
“Shutup,”Isay.“God,you’resoannoying.”
“Andyet,youchoosetobeinmycompany.”
“Ichoosepeaceandthatmeansgettingyoutostopbeingadick.So…tellmesomethingaboutyou.”
“What?”heasks,aquestiononhisbrow.
“Tellmesomething,anything.We’regettingtoknoweachotherrightnow.Callitacompanyget-to-know-you.Oh,hey,okay…howabouttwotruthsandalie.Youknow,thaticebreakergame.”
“DoesitlooklikeI’mthetypeofguywhoplaysthatsortofgame?”
“Humorme…please,”Ibeg.
HiseyesscanmeandIcanseehimwafflingbetweensayingsomethingsnarkyandgivingintomypleading.Ifhesaysno,I’mjustgoingtocontinuebegginghim.Iwanttomakethingsatleastokaybetweenus,forthesakeofourworkingrelationship.
Iwaitafewmorebreathsandthenfinally…
Heheavesoutaheavy,“Fine,”andthenscratchesthesideofhisjaw.“Twotruthsandalie…okay.Howaboutthis?Ioncewentscubadivingwithwhales.IthinkIhavethegreatestjobintheworld.Andwinterismyfavoriteseason.”
“Well,that’seasy.Scubadivingwithwhalesseemslikearich-personactivity,sothat’strue.Youclearlyloveyourjob,so…winterisn’tyourfavoriteseason,whichmakessensesinceyou’reaborn-and-raisedCaliforniaboy.”
“Errrrr,wrong,”hesays,makingabuzzingsound.
“Really?Youneverwentscubadivingwithwhales?”
“No,Iswamwithwhales.InMo’orea,anislandofFrenchPolynesiatobeexact.It’sasanctuaryforhumpbackwhales.Oneofthebestvacationsofmylife.”
Igrowloutinfrustration.“JP,ifyou’renotgoingtotakethisseriously—”
“WhosaysI’mnottakingitseriously?”
Iattempttogetoffhislap,buthishandsclampdownonmythighs,holdingmeinplace.
“Itoldtwotruthsandalie.”
Inutterdisbelief,Isay,“So,you’retellingmeyouhateyourjob?”
“Yes.Iam,”heanswersmatter-of-factly.
“Wait…areyoubeingserious?Youhateit?”
“Yes.Ihatemyjob.”
“But…youmakeitseemlikeyouenjoyit.I’mconfused.Youhaveyourowncompanywithyourbrothers,yougettoworkwiththemdayinanddayout,youhaveyourownschedule,andyougettostayinplaceslikethis.”Igesturearoundtheroom.“Whatcanyoupossiblyhateaboutallofthat?”
Heshakeshisheadandsays,“Yeah,didn’tthinkyou’dunderstand.”Hegoestomoveme,butthistime,I’mtheonewhostaysput.
“Holdon.”Ipressmyfingerstohischest.“You’rebeinghonest,youhateit?”
“HowmanytimesdoIhavetosayit?”
“I’msorry,”Ireply.“I’mjustconfused.You’vebeenveryconvincingthatyouenjoywhatyoudo.Whydoyouhateit?”
“Letmeaskyouthis—whatdoyoulikeaboutyourjob?”
“Well,besidestheobviousofhavingmyownbusinessandthecomplexitiesofexperiencingthegrowthanddownfalls,IloveitbecauseIfeellikeI’mhelpingmakethisworldabetterplacetolive.Therearestudiesthatgointodetailaboutthetherapeuticprocessoforganizingspacesandhowitcanactasacalmingtechniqueforpeoplewhohavetoliveandworkinthatspace.Andontopofthat,I’mspreadingthewordaboutsustainability,whichalonemakesthisjoballworthit.”
“Youfeellikeyou’remakingadifference.”
Inod.
“That’swhereIfallflat.Idon’tthinkI’mdoinganythinginthisdamnlifeofminethat’sworthsomething.Sure,Ihavemoney,moremoneythananyofusoranylineagetofollowcouldspendinalifetime,anditjustkeepscomingin,multiplying.There’snostoppingitbecausethere’snostoppingmybrothers.TheywanttotakeovertheworldandI’monlyreallyalongfortheride.”
“Butyou’renotmoney-greedyhumans.YoudonatealotofmoneytoorganizationsthroughoutLA.You’releadersinrealestatewhenitcomestobestbusinesspractices—minusHuxley’s‘fakefiancée’thingwithLottie—butyou’rehonestmen,trustworthy.You’renothurtinganyone.”
“Yeah,butwe’renothelpinganyone.We’reonlyhelpingourselves.”
“That’snottrue,”Isay.“LottiespecificallyaskedHuxleywhyhekeptworkingwhentheyfirststartedseeingeachother.Hesaidhehadallthemoneyhecouldpossiblyneed,buthecontinuedbecauseifhedidn’twork,ifhedidn’texpand,thenthepeoplewhoreliedonhimcouldn’taffordalifefortheirfamilies.Hekeepsworkingsohisemployeescankeepworking.”
“AndHuxleycansaythat,becauseit’strue,butmyjobdoesn’twarranttheaccoladesHuxleyandBreakerreceive.I’mjustthepublicrelationsface.Hell,somedays,Ihavenothingtodo.TheonlyreasonwhyyouworkwithmeisbecauseI’mtheonewhocouldhandletheadditionalworkload,whichisbarelyanythingsinceyouprettymuchdoeverythingonyourown.Igetapaycheck,butfornothing.”
“Somepeoplewouldbepleasedwiththat,youknow,especiallyyourpaycheck.”
“Yes,butwhenyouhavetoliveuptoyourbrothers’reputation,it’sbrutal.”
Isubconsciouslyrubhischestandsay,“Icanunderstandthat.”Iattempttogetoffhislapagain,sincehe’stalking—finally—butonceagain,hekeepsmewhereI’mat.Okay,notreadytoletgojustyet,that’sfine.“Then,canIaskyou,whatisitthatyouwanttodo?”
Heshrugs.“Stilltryingtofigurethatout.”
“Wouldyouleavethecompany?”
Heshakeshishead.“No,mybrothersdependonme.They’reveryprivatepeopleandtrustpracticallynoone.IfIleft,they’dhavetotakeonmyjobresponsibilities.Theywouldn’thiresomeoneoutsideofthefamilyforthat.”
“Thatdoesn’tmakesense,though.You’renothappy.”
Heshrugs.“Maybethat’smylife.Unhappy.”
“That’snotfairtoyou.”
“Well,Kelsey,sometimeslifeisn’tfair.”
There’sthepessimist.
“Youdon’thavetoputyourselfinpurgatoryinordertohelpyourbrothers.I’msureifyouspoketothem,they’dwanttoknowthatyou’renothappy.”
“You’dthink,”hemuttersandthenblowsoutaheavybreath.Nowheattemptstomoveme,butlikethispush-and-pullgamewe’vebeenplaying,I’mtheonetostayputthistime.
“Istillneedtodotwotruthsandalie.”
“Right.”Hesettlesbackintothecouchandwaits.Icanseethathismoodhasshiftedagain—actually,I’mnotsureitwasevernotsour.Butinsteadofbeingagrump,hetalkedtome.LookslikeIhavesomuchmoreworktodo.“Whatareyourtwotruthsandalie?”
Inacheerytone,Isay,“Sinceyouasked.”
Herollshiseyesagain.
“Let’ssee.Iliketocollectmagnets.I’vealwayssaidI’dcollectamagnetfromeverynewplaceIvisit,butIhaven’tbeenmanyplaces,soit’sasadcollection.IhaveaplantinmyapartmentthatI’vehadsincecollege.HisnameisBorisandwehaveamutualunderstandingthatI’llalwayswaterhimandhe’llneverdieonme.AndIplanthecolorofmyunderwearforeachdayoftheworkingweek.Weekendsareafree-for-all.Andbeforeyouask,Mondayisred.Tuesdayispink.Wednesdayisblack.Thursdayisgreen,becauseIonceheardgreenisforThursdays,becausethat’swhenyoumakethemoney,whenyoushouldworkthehardest.AndFridayiswhite.”
He’ssilent.Blinks.
Andthenscratchesthesideofhisjaw.“Allthreewerein-depth.Frankly,it’sdisturbinghoweasilyyourattledthoseoff.Makesmebelieveyou’resomesecretoperative.”
Iwigglemyeyebrows.“Betterwatchyourback.”
Hegivesmyanswerssomethought.“Thefirstoneseemslikesomethingyou’ddo,butyouonlyhavelike…fivemagnets.”
“Four,tobeexact.Butit’sacollectionnonetheless.”
“AndaplantnamedBorisfeelson-brandforyou,butsodoestheunderwear,butmyguessisyoumessedupthedaysoftheweeksoinsteadofFridaybeingwhite,it’sactuallyblack,becausethat’satypicaldatenight.”
MyjawfallsopenasIstaredownathim.“Howthehelldidyouguessthat?”
“Youmightbeabletothinkquickonyourfeet,butIcansmellbullshitfromamileaway.You’rearomanticonadatingjourneyandI’massuming,givenyourinnocence,wearingblackonFriday,datenight,isdaringforyou.Justmakessense.”
Ifoldmyarmsovermychestnowandask,“Okay,sowhat’stheorderoftherestofmyunderwear?”
Hepausesforamomentandthenholdshisfingersup.“Mondayiswhite,tostarttheweekoffonafreshnote.TuesdayispinkbecauseyouseemtobethetypeofgirlwhowouldhavealotofpinkunderwearsoitfitsinonaTuesday.Wednesdayisredforhumpday.Thursday…well,that’sthewildcard.Ikindofbelievethewholegreenmoney-makingthing,soI’mgoingtosaythat’sright.AndthenblackonFriday.Theweekendsareprobablywhenyouwearfununderwear.Likesomepinkthongwithaheart.”WhenIdon’tsayanything,hesays,“I’mright,aren’tI?”
Islipoffhislap,andheactuallyletsmethistime.“Unfortunately,youare.”
Hechuckles,andeventhoughitannoysmethat,apparently,I’msopredictable,I’mgladthathe’sfoundsomethinghumorous.
“ButIdowantyoutoknowthatI’mnotthatinnocent.”
“Sure.”Hegetsupfromthecouchandsmoothsdownhisshortsbeforepickinguphisglassofwater.
“I’mnot.”Istandaswell.“I’vedoneplentyofnon-innocentthingsinmylifetime.”
Heturns.“Likewhat?”
Yeah,Kelsey…likewhat?
Howcomenothingiscomingtomind?Idoplentyofthingsthatwouldn’tbeconsideredinnocent.
“Faceit,you’reasinnocentastheycome.”
Hestartstowalkaway,soIshout,“Vibrator.”
Thecornerofhislipquirksupwhenhefacesmeagain.
Istraightenmyrobe,clenchingittighter.“Ihaveavibrator.There,that’snotinnocent.”
“Whatkindofvibrator?”
“Youknow…thekindthatvibrates,”Isay,hatingmyself.“It’spink.”
“Ofcourseit’spink.”Hechuckles.“Notinnocent,Kelsey.Justabouteverywomanhasavibrator.Andfrommyguess,youprobablyuseiteveryWednesdaytogoalongwithyourredunderwear.”
God…whyisherightagain?
Hereachesthekitchenandrefillshiswater.“Faceit,you’reasinnocentastheycome.Ifyourday-of-the-weekunderweardoesn’tsayit,thenyourinabilitytotellme—indetail—thekindofvibratoryouhaveis.”
“It’spink.”Ithrowmyarmsup.“Whatelsedoyouwantfromme?”
Hegripsthekitchencounterandhiseyesconnectwithmine,hisdarkbrowsshadowinghislight-greeneyes.“Pulserate,settings,girth,length,andattachments.Iwanttoknowifyouweretooscaredtoevenlookatvibratorswithaclitstimulator,soyoujustwentwithacommonstick.”
Mylipsrubtogether.
“That’swhatyougot,wasn’tit?”
“Whatdoesitmatterthekindof…er,pulserateithas?Imasturbate,so,therefore,I’mnotinnocent.”
Hedragshishandoverhisfaceandthenmovestowardhisbedroom.“Okay,Kelsey.”
“Hey,”Icallout,buthedoesn’tstop.I’vebeenknownasinnocentmyentirelifeandI’vereallyattemptedtobreakthroughthatlabel—asIdon’tlikeit—butIcan’thavehimthinkingthat.So,Iuntiemyrobeanddropittotheground.“Wouldyoucallthisoutfitinnocent?”Iask.
“Arobeisinnocent,”hesays,notturningaround.
“I’mnotwearingarobe.”
Hepausesandthenslowlyturns.I’mwearingmyblacklaceromper.It’satanktopwithadeepVneckline,cinchedatthewaist,andthentheattachedshortshavehighslitsthatblowopenfromthelightestofbreezes.It’sthemostcomfortablepieceofclothingIhave,andyet,alsothesexiest.
There’sadeliberateonce-over,hiseyestravelingfrommytoes,uptomylegs,mywaist,andthentheypauseatmychest,whereIknowmycleavageisgivinghimquitetheshow.Whenhiseyesmeetmine,hewetshislips,hisexpressionresemblingthatofabig-bad-wolftypethanasimpleacquaintance.
“Whythehellareyouwearingthat?”hefinallyasks.
“ThisiswhatIwearatnight.It’sjustoneofthemanypiecesoflingerieIhaveinmydresser.”
“Well,Isuggestyougochange,”hesays,beforeturningaroundagain.
“Excuseme?”Iask,walkingafterhim.“Whatdoyoumean,Ishouldgochange?”
“It’sindecent,Kelsey.”
Indecent?
Thisisindecent?
Comingfromthemanwho’swalkingaroundtheapartmentwithoutashirtandinonlyapairofshorts.I’vebeenkindtokeepmyeyesnorth,butweallknowJPdoesn’twearunderwearwiththoseshortsand,yes,Icansee…things.So,ifthisisindecent,whatthehellishe?
“IstheresomesortofacceptanceofadoublestandardinthispenthousethatI’munawareof?”Iask.“BecauseI’mprettysureI’mmorecoveredupthanyou.”
Hekeepswalking,ignoringme.
So,Ipickupmypace,andwhenI’veclosedthedistancebetweenus,Ipullonhisshouldersohe’sforcedtofaceme.Buthespinssofast,I’mcaughtoffguard,andhepinsmeagainstthehallwaywall,onehandonmyhip,theotherstillholdinghiswaterglass.Hepropsitagainstthewall.
Likescaldinglasers,hiseyesfixateonme.
“Wh-whatareyoudoing?”Iask,ahitchinmybreath.
“You’retemptingme,Kelsey,andIdon’ttaketookindlytoit.”
“HowamItemptingyou?I’mjust…I’mshowingyouI’mnottheinnocentpeasantgirlyouthinkIam.”
Helowershisbodytosethiswateronthegroundandwhenhecomesbackup,hischestissoclosethatIcanfeeltheheatcomingoffhim.Itwrapsaroundmeinanunexpectedgrip.Thehallwayfadestodark,thesparklingskylineadistantmemoryashelowershisfacesowe’reeyetoeye.
Thehandpinningmeagainstthewallhasslippedpastoneoftheflapsofmyrompersohispalmisdirectlyonmyflesh,histhumbattheveryendofthejunctureofmythigh.Thesmall,barely-theretouchcausestheairtoseizeinmylungs.
“Youcould’vechosenanypajamastobringwithyou,andyoubringthis.”Thebacksofhisfingersrunalongtheneckline,tojustabovemycleavage.“So,unlessyouplanonbeddingsomeonewhileyou’reherethatIdon’tknowabout,youbroughtthisspecificallyknowingyou’dbespendingnightsinthesamepenthouseasme.”
“Thishasnothingtodowithyouandeverythingtodowithcomfort.”
Hishandslidesfartherundertheslitontheside,hisfingersnowcurlingaroundmywaist,imprintingthemselvesonmyskin.
“So,you’retellingme,ifyouweresharingapenthousewithHuxleyinstead,you’dhavewornthis?”
“No,”IsaybeforeIcancatchmyself.Shit.
Thetruthofthematteris…Iwouldn’thavewornthisaroundHuxley.WhenI’vestayedthenightattheirhouse,IwearsomethingrespectfulbecauseI’mnotabouttoprancearoundinthisrompernearmysoon-to-bebrother-in-law.Thatwouldbe…weird.
ButdidIreallywearthisbecauseofJP?
No.Iworethisbecauseit’scomfortable.
“Imean…Iwouldn’twearthisaroundhimbecause—”
“Becausehe’snotsingle.”JP’sotherhandcaressesupmyside,andInearlyslidedownthewallfromthetouch.God,it’sbeensolong.
Solongsinceamalehastouchedme.HavingJP,thisincrediblysexyman,comenearmehasmelosingallsortsofintelligentthoughts.
“Youworethistotemptme,admitit.”Heleanshisheadforwardsowe’recheektocheekandmoveshishandtomyshouldertooneofthelacestraps.Hetoyswithit,hisfingersdelicatelysmoothingovertheintricatelace.“It’swhyyoukeepcomingaftermetotalk,becauseyouwantthis,Kelsey.”
“Idon’t,”Isay,myvoicecomingoutallbreathy.
Hetugsonthestrap,movingittowardtheendofmyshoulder.“You’reafuckingliar,”hewhispersintomyear,rightbeforehetipsthestrapovermyshouldersoitfallsdown,thefabricaroundmybreastsbarelyhangingon.
Ishouldmoveaway.
Tellhimtostop.
But…Idon’t.
BecauseIknow,deepinmysoul,thateventhoughJPisn’tthemanforme,becausehe’snotarelationshipkindofguy,Ican’thelpmyattractiontohim.Ican’thelpbutfallunderhisspell.
AndIcan’thelpbutwantmore.
Moreinthismoment.
Keepinghismouthatmyear,hegentlyrunshisfingerovermycollarbone.“You’reglistening,Kelsey.Yourbreathisuneven,yourbodyisyearningformore,andIknowforafuckingfact,thatifIspreadyourlegs,I’dfindawetcunt,beggingforme.”
Isqueezemyeyesshut,processinghiswords,wordsthathaveneverbeenspokentomebefore.
Ever.
Inmyentirelife.
Andyet,theystrikemesodeepinmysoulthatIcanfeeljusthowpenetratingtheyare.Iknowhe’sright.Iknowhe’dbehappyifhepressedtwofingersinsideofme.
“Tellmeit’sthetruth.”
Never.
Iwon’tgivehimthesatisfactionofknowingthat.
Ican’t.
He’dholditovermyheadforalifetime.
So,Ikeepmymouthshut.
“Isthathowyou’regoingtobe,Kelsey?”heasks,hisnosenowdraggingovermycheek.“You’renotgoingtobetruthful?”Hisfingersshuffledownmychest,tomynearlyexposedbreast.Iholdmybreathashedancesthemovertheloosefabric,mymindscreaming,pleadingforhimtopullthefabricdown,toliftmybreastintohismouth.
“Yournippleishard.”Hemakesthebriefestpassoveritwithhisthumb—sobriefthatIbarelyfeelit—butit’senoughtocausethelightestofmoanstopopoutofmymouth.“Mmmm,”hehumsintomyear.“That’swhatIfuckingthought.”
Thenhetakesholdofmyhandandslidesitundertheloosefabricatmyhip,bringingittojustabovemypubicbone.
“Tellmethis,Kelsey,doyouhaveyourvibratorwithyou?”
InearlychokeonmyownsalivaasIshakemyhead.
“Bigmistake,”hesays.Heshiftsmyhandloweruntilmyfingersslidealongmycrease.
“Fuck,”Iwhisper.
“Fuckisright,babe,”hesays,thenpasseshishandovermineanddirectsmetomassagemyclit.Unabletocontrolanythingatthispoint,Iallowhishandtomovemine.Ispreadmylegs.“That’sright,makeroom.Tellme—howwetareyou?”
Onaheavybreath,Isay,“Reallywet.”
Sowet.
EnoughthatIcouldspendnomorethanaminutegettingmyselfoff.
Hisvoice,hishands,hispossessiveactions,they’reallsettingmeoff,preppingmeforwhat’stocomenext.
AndIwantwhateveritis.
Henibblesonmyearlobe—yes,justlikethat,moreofthat—andabreathymoanfallspastmylips.Iwantmore.Hishandsonme.Hismouthonme.His—
Hepullsmyhandoutofmyshortsandpinsitagainstthewall.
Myeyesflyopen,andwhenhepullsaway,helooksmeintheeyesandsays,“Itoldyou,youwerefuckinglying.”Andthen,withhisheatedchestpressingagainstmine,hesucksmyfingersintohismouth.Herunshistonguealongthedigits,lickingmyarousal,andthenquicklyreleasesthemwithapop.
OhmyGod!
Hepushesaway,leavingmelikeapuddleonthewall.
“Lietomeagain,andyouwon’tlikewhathappensnexttime.”Helickshislips,mytastewetonthem,andthenhegrabshisglassandwalksbacktohisroom,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.Holy.Fuck.
Slowly,IslidedownthewalluntilI’msittingonthefloor.Iattempttocatchmybreathasmyheartbeatswildlyandmyclithammerswiththeneedforrelease.
What…whatwasthat?
Istareathisdoorandattempttomakesenseofitall,butallmybraincancomeupwithis…mybodywantsmore.
Mybodywantshim
Mybodywantstochargethroughhisdoor,stripdowntonothing,andlethimtakecharge.
Imovemystrapbackupontomyshoulderandattempttostandonwobblylegs.Usingthewallforassistance,Iwalkbackintothelivingroomandgrabmyitemsbeforeheadingtomyroom,absolutelyshook.Iwon’tbereadingtonight.
Mybodymightwanthim,butIknowforcertain,myheartdoesn’t.
Andhisheartdoesn’twantme.
I’veseentherouletteofwomenonhisphone,soIknowI’mjustaspeedbumpinhispursuitofpleasure.
He’snotforme.He’sthetypeofmanwhocandeliveranorgasmthatyou’llrememberfortherestofyourlife,buthe’llbreakyourheartinthelongrun.
Lustisanaddiction.
Butforme,lovewinsoverlust,andI’msearchingforlove…
***
Kelsey:Lottie,thingsarenotgoingwell.
Lottie:Whatdoyoumean?
Kelsey:Youhavetoswearyou’renotgoingtotellHuxley.
Lottie:OfcourseIwon’t.It’saformofforeplay,keepinginnocentthingsawayfromhim.Driveshimnuts.So,please,moresecrets.
Kelsey:JPalmostmademecome.
Lottie:WHAT?
Kelsey:Iknow.God,toomuchbackstory,butbeforeIknewwhatwashappening,hehadmepinnedagainstthewall,forcingmetomassagemyclit.Ididitandthenhesuckedmyfingers.
Lottie:Whatintheholyhellishappeningoverthere?Plus,Huxleydidthattomeonce,whenwehatedeachother,remember?Itoldyouaboutit.It’sthesexiestthingever.
Kelsey:Inearlycamewhenhismouthpulledonmyfingers.Why…whyisthishappening?
Lottie:Itoldyounottowearthosepajamas.
Kelsey:That’snothelpful.Lottie,Iknowhe’snottheguyforme,Iknowthisdeepinmysoul.But,God,Icouldn’thavestoppedmyselfevenifI’dwantedtotonight.HehasthiscontrolovermeandIfindmyselfjustslippingintohistouch.IcompletelylostwhoIwasinthatmoment.
Lottie:Yousaythatasifit’sabadthing.
Kelsey:Itis.Idon’twantaone-nightstand.Iwanttofindlove.JPisnotamanwhooffersorgasmsandcompanionship.
Lottie:Howdoyouknowthat?Everaskhim?
Kelsey:Areyouinsane?Iwouldneveraskthat.Plus,he’sallaboutone-nightstands.Everyoneknowsthat.I’maneasygrabforhim.We’resharingaplace,alone…itwasboundtohappen.
Lottie:Ithinkthere’smoretoJPthanyouknow.
Kelsey:Thereis,butwhenitcomestorelationships,trustme,Iknow.*deepbreaths*Ijustneedtorefocus.Igotsidetrackedthereforasecondand,sure,itwasnice,butIhavethatdatewithDerekonFriday.Ineedtofocusonthat.
Lottie:Yes,butrememberwhatIsaid—ifthere’sanyinklingthatyoumightbestartingsomethingwithJP,don’tgoonthedatewithDerek.Idon’twantyouhurtinghim.
Kelsey:Iknow.Ipromise,nothingishappeningbetweenmeandJP.Itwasamomentarylapseofjudgment.I’mgladItalkeditout.NowIcanmoveon.Ifeelbetternow
Lottie:Areyousure?
Kelsey:Positive.ChapterTwelve
JP
Standingatthekitchencounter,acupofcoffeeinhand,Ileanagainstthecabinets,wearingonlyapairofsweatsasKelseycomesstrollingin.Hermakeup’sdone,herhairexpertlystyledandhangingoverhershoulders,andshe’swearingapairofhigh-waistedblackbusinesspantsandawhiteblousewithawhitecamisoleunderneath.Andtoreallyfuckingkickmeinthegoddamndick,sheswipedonadarkredlipstickIknowmatchesherpanties.
Shelooksfuckingdelicious,andeventhoughsheclaimsshe’snottemptingme,thatredlipsticksaysdifferentlyaftertheconversationwehadlastnight.
Hell…Ilostcontrol.IkeeptellingmyselfIneedtoavoidher.ThatwastheplanwhenIfirstshowedupatthispenthouse,butshe’sgottenundermyskin.Whensheapologized,itactuallymeantsomethingtome.It’swhyIaskedhertolunch.IreasonedthatifIstartshowingheragentlersideofme,shemightactuallythinkdifferentlyaboutme.And,fuck,itwasworking,butlastnight,whenshesaidshewasstillgoingonthatdate,allhellfrozeover.
Itmighthavebeenstupidofme,butIkindofthoughtthatifIopenedup—gothertoenjoymycompany—shewouldn’tgoonthatdate.Ithoughtshe’dgototheballwithmeinstead.Onelunchoutisn’tgoingtochangehermind,though.
Andthenshewentandsatonmygoddamnlap.Allcontrolflewrightoutthefloor-to-ceilingwindows.Iwasjustgraspingontoanythingthatwouldkeepmefromstrippingherdownandburyingmyheadbetweenherlegs.
Itwasdownhillfromthere.HowIendeduppushingheragainstthewallanddiggingmyfingersintohervelvetyskin,Ihavenoidea,butwatchinghercool,well-put-togetherfa?adecombustwasoneofthesexiestthingsI’veeverexperienced.
Ileftherinthehallway,thetasteofheronmytongue,andretreatedtomybedroom.Ithenreleasedthepent-upenergyintheshower.Fuck,shetastedmagnificent,andIhavenocluehowIwalkedawayfromherafterhavingheronmytonguelikethat.Iwantedmore.Iwantedtogetdownonmykneesandworshipher
Andnow,thismorning,seeingherdressedupforwork,everythingthathappenedlastnightisattheforefrontofmymind.
“Morning,”Isayasshestepsintothekitchen.
Shelooksupfromthebraceletshe’sattemptingtofixonherwrist.
“Goodmorning,”shesayssoftly.
Isetmycoffeedownonthecounterandreachouttohelpher.“Letme,”Isaysoftly,takingthesmallclaspinmyhand.
“Oh…thankyou,”shesays,clearlystunnedbymygesture.Don’tblameher.WhenshesaidIhadmoodswingslikeTarzan—Ithinkthat’showsheputit—shewasn’twrong.I’vebeenupanddown.Iblameitonmyinabilitytocontrolmydailysimmeringanger.Angeroverlosingmyfather—mybestfriend—angerovermyjob,andangeroverthefactthatIlikethisgirl,Ireallyfuckingdo,andIcan’tgethertolookatmethewayIwantherto.
Itakemytimefasteningtheclasp,andonceit’sonherwrist,Ipauseforasecond,lettingmyfingersdragoverherskin,andthenIgobacktomycoffee
Hereyesflashtomineandsheslowlytakesastepback.Inodtowardtheoven.“Yourbreakfastiswarminginthere.”
“Mybreakfast?”sheasks,confused.“Didyouorderin?”
“No.”Ireachformyproteinbar.“Wokeupearly,couldn’tsleep,soIcookedyourbreakfastthatyoulike,beansandall.”
“Why…whywouldyoudothat?”
BecauseIwantyoutothinkI’magoodguydespitehowIact.
IwantyoutoseethatIlikeyou,butamafraidtotellyoubecausethere’sagreatpossibilityyouwilllaughinmyface.
Iwantyoutogivemeachance.
Todateme…
“Youknow,Kelsey,asimplethankyouwouldbejustfine.”Withproteinbarinhand,Iconsidergoingbacktomyroomtoeatbut,hell,shesmellsgood,andI’magluttonforpunishment.SoItakeaseatatthediningroomtablewhereI’vealreadysetupaplacesettingforher.
Ihearhermovearoundthekitchen,grabherbreakfast,andwhensheturnstositatthetablewithme,shenoticestheplacemat.Onceagain,thosehazeleyesofhersflashtomine.
Beforeshecanquestionme,Isay,“Iwasboredthismorning.”
Nervously,shetakesaseatandsetsdownherplate.Aftershefixeshernapkinonherlap,sheglancesupatmeandsays,“Thankyouforbreakfast.”
“Sure,”Ianswerandkickmyfeetuponthechairnexttome.IcanfeelhereyesstillonmewhenI’mopeningmyproteinbar.WhenIfinallylookup,Iask,“CanIhelpyou?”
“I’mjustconfused,isall.Itseemedlikeyouweremadatmelastnightandnowyoumademebreakfast…Idon’tknowhowtoprocessthis.”
“Iwasn’tmadatyoulastnight.”
“Youthreatenedme.”
“JesusChrist.”Irollmyeyes.“Thatwasn’tathreat,morelike…awarning.”
“So,youwarnedmelastnight.Andifthat’sthecase,thenmaybeIshouldwarnyou.”
Thisshouldbegood.
“Okay,whatdoyouneedtowarnmeabout?”
“Well…youshouldn’tbewalkingaroundwithoutashirton.”
“Uh-huh,”Idragout.“Andwhat’sgoingtohappentomeifIdo?”
Shestabsaforkfulofeggs.“Youdon’twanttoknow.”
“Ido,actually.Ireallywanttoknow.”
“Fine.”Sheshrugs.“Ifyouwalkaroundwithoutashirton,Iwilltoo.”
Aloudlaughescapesme.“Andyouconsiderthatapunishment?”Iglancedownatmybarechestandbackather.“Myshirtisoffnow,soplease,Kelsey,goaheadandpunishme.Stripoutofthatstarchyblouseofyours.Showmethegoodstuff.”
“Ugh.”Sherollshereyes.“Whyareyousoinsufferable?I’mjusttryingtomakethingscomfortableforus,butyou’reeitherangry,teasingme,or…well…youknow.”
“Idon’tknow.Pleasefinishthatsentence.”
Shepinsmewithaglare.“You’re…well,touchingmeintimately.”
“Thatwasbarelytouchingyoulastnight.AndcorrectmeifI’mwrong,butyouseemedtolikeit…alot.”
“Iwasfakingit.”
Thatmakesmenearlyspitoutmycoffee.“Babe,Itastedyouoffyourfingerlastnight.Youcan’tfakethat.”
“Don’tcallmebabe.”Shescoopsupsomebeans.“Canwejustbefriends?”
“WhatdidItellyouaboutworkplacefriendships?”
“Thatwassomeloadofbullshit.I’mfriendswithHuxleyandBreaker.Sodon’ttellmeIcan’tbefriendswithyou.Youjustdon’twanttobefriend-zonedbecauseyouwantinmypants.”
Ismirkatthat.“Idowantinyourpants.”
Hereyesflashtomineashercheeksblush.Flustered,shesays,“Well,that’snotanoptionforyou.So,whydon’twejustputthatbehindusandmoveon?Wecanbefriends.It’ssimple.Wejustneedtodofriendlytypeofthings.”
Interested,Iask,“Okay,whatarefriendlytypeofthings?”
“Ican’tthinkofanythingoffthetopofmyhead,but—oh,wecouldgosightseeing.”
“Whydoesthatsoundnottheleastbitinterestingtome?”
“It’stotallyafriendthingtodo.You’vebeenherebefore,clearly,sowhydon’twedothatafterI’mdonewithmylastmeeting?Youcouldshowmearound.Icantakepicturesinalltheobviousplaces.Itcouldbefunandwecouldgettoknoweachother.”
“Itdoesn’tsoundfuntome.”
“JP!”sheshouts,surprisingme.“Stopbeingdifficult,andfortheloveofGod,justgosightseeingwithme.GoodGod.”
Chuckling,Inod.“Okay,noneedtogetallriledup.Wecangosightseeing,butI’lltellyouthis—I’llbeabastardthewholetime.”
“Itwouldn’tbeaneveningoutwithyouifyouweren’t.”Shedabshermouthwithhernapkin.“Mylastmeetingisattwotoday.AfterIgetback,I’llchange,andthenwecanhitthetown.Howdoesthatsound?”
“Likeanightmare.”Itiltmycoffeecuptowardher.“Can’twait.”ThenIstandfrommychairand,withcoffeecupandproteinbarinhand,Iheadtowardmyroom,onlytostopmidway.“Kelsey?”
“Yes?”sheasks,forkpoisednearhermouth.
“Justsoyouknow,youcanactlikewe’refriendsallyouwant,butknowthis…Icanstilltasteyoursweetcuntonmytongue.”
Andthen,withasmileonmyface,Iturnawayfromherandheadintomybedroom.ThisisexactlywhatIneeded,somemorealonetimewithher.Now,let’sseeifIcankeepmysarcasmtoneddownwhenthathappens.
***
“Thisplaceissocute,”Kelseysaysasshewalksnexttome,takingineverythingaroundus.
“It’shemorrhagingtourists,”Isay.
“Whichisexactlywhatwewanted,right?”
“Whatyouwanted.ThisisnotmyideaoffuninSanFrancisco.”Idodgeacouplewhoaresharingasoftpretzel.
“Ooo,theyhaveacarousel.Let’srideit.”
“You’reoutofyourgoddamnmindifyouthinkI’mgoingtorideacarousel.”
Shegivesmeaplayfulgrinandthenpullsonmyarm.“It’llbefun.”
“Kelsey,I’mserious,I’mnotridingthatthing.”
ShegetsusinlineandIattempttoleave,butsheloopsherarmthroughmineandsurprisinglyholdsmeinplace.
“Loosenup.Thisiswhatfriendsdo—sillythingslikethis.Youcantakeaboomerangofmeonahorse.”
“Whatthehellisaboomerang?”
“OnInstagram,”shesays,asifI’manidiot.
“Thatclarifiesnothing.”
“It’swhatwedidinfrontoftheFullHousehouses.”
Yes,wewerethosepeople.Wesearchedthemout,thePaintedLadiestobeexact,andwestoodinfrontofthemwhiletakingweirdback-and-forthpictures.Fromthere,westoppedbytheactualhousefromFullHouse,whereItookadozenpicturesofKelseyposing.Sheforcedmetotakeapicturewithher,whichshetextedtome,sayinghowadorablewelookasfriends.
Fucking…great.
Afterthat,wecamedowntothepier,whereweare,asyouknow,currentlyinlineforthecarousel.
“Howmanytimeshaveyoubeenuphere?SanFrancisco,thatis,”sheasks.
“MorethanIcancount,”Ianswer.
“HaveyoueverbeentoPier39?”
“Afewtimes.Tookadatehereonce.”
“Oooo,adate,”Kelseysaysinsuchanannoyingtone.“Tellmemore.Ididn’tthinkJackParkerdated.”
“Notmyname.”
“Asolidguess.”Shesmirks.
“Itwasafewyearsago.Wewentoutforfunandendedthenightinmybed.Worththeinconvenienceofcomingdownhere.”
“Letmeguess—sinceIwon’tbeendingupinyourbed—thisisn’tworththeinconvenience?”
“There’salwaystimeforthattoturnaround,”Ianswerhonestly.
“Nothappening.”Shepatsmyforearm.“Butnicetry.So,tellme,haveyoueverhadagirlfriend?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.
“Caretoelaborate?”sheasksaswetakeafewstepsforwardinline.
“Notreally.”
“Oh,isitoneofthosestorieswhereshewastheoneandonlygirltobreakyourheart?”
Wekeepslowlymovingforwardasthecarouselloadsup.“No,actually.Iwastheonewhobrokeherheart.”
“Youwere?”sheasks.“Wassheinlovewithyou?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.
“Andyouweren’t?”
Ishakemyhead.“Iwasn’t.AndIdidn’tthinkitwasfairtokeepdatingherifIknewthefeelingsweren’tgoingtogrowinthatdirection,soIbrokeupwithher.Shethrewamilkshakeinmyfaceandthenstormedaway.”
“OhmyGod,shethrewamilkshakeinyourface?Whatflavorwasit?”
Ichuckle.“Whydoesthatmatter?”
“Can’tbesure,butyouknow,detailsmakeastory.”
“Ibelieveitwasvanilla,anotherreasonwhyIknewweweren’tsupposedtobetogether.Vanillamilkshakesareboring.”
“Hey,no,they’renot.They’retheoriginal.You’renotgoingtogetanotherflavorwithoutthem.Don’tknockthevanillamilkshake.”
“Isthatwhatyouorder?”
“Ofcoursenot.”Sheflipsherhairoverhershoulder.“StrawberryisobviouslywhatIget.”Ichuckle,andwemakeittothefrontoftheline,justtobestoppedbecausethecarouselisfull.Kelseyturnstowardmeandleansagainstthegate.“What’syourmilkshakeorder?”
“Chocolate.”
“Could’veguessedthat.You’resopredictable.”
Iscoffatthat.“Andstrawberrymilkshakewasn’tpredictable?Allyouhavetodoissayhi,andeveryoneknowsyou’reastrawberrymilkshakegirl.”
“Nothingwrongwiththat.So,thisgirlthrewamilkshakeinyourfacewhenyoubrokeupwithher.Wasthereanythingthathappenedafterthat,orwasthemilkshakewhereitended?”
Iwinceandsmoothmyhandovermyjaw.“Wehadbreakupsexthatnight,butafterthat,itwasover.”
“Oh,Jean-Pierre…”
“Notmyname.”
Shesnapsindisappointment.“Still,sexafteryoubrokeupwithher?Kindofskeezy,don’tyouthink?”
“NeversaidImadethebestchoices,”Isayunapologetically.
“Howlongagowasthisrelationship?”
“Eh,liketwo,threeyearsago.Ithinkshe’sengagednow.Atleastthat’swhatIsurmisedwhenshe‘accidentally’textedmeaphotoofherengagementring.Shesaiditwasmeantforsomeoneelse.”
“Oh,surrrrrre,”Kelseysays,draggingitout,whichmakesmesmile.“That’swhattheyallsay.Shesentyouthatpictureonpurposetotrytomakeyoujealous.Wereyou?Jealous,thatis?”
“Notintheslightest.Honestly,it’sshittytosay,butI’dkindofforgottenaboutheruntilthattext.”
“Andsincethen,you’vebeenalonewolf?”
“Yeah,nothingwrongwiththat.”
“Notsayingthereis,”shesaysasthecarouselslows.Ipulloutmywallettopayfortheride—arideIdidn’tthinkI’dbegoingon—andgrabaten-dollarbilltopayforthebothofus.“Justfascinating.I,ontheotherhand,amsinglebecause…well,apparentlyI’munlovable.”
“Youknowfordamnsurethat’snotthetruth,”IsayasIhandtheattendantourmoneyandheopensthegate.“Whatdotheyalwayssay…youjusthaven’tfoundtherightpersonyet?”
“Butdoyoutrulybelievethat?”sheasksasshehopsuponthecarouselandfindsabluehorse.Itaketheyellowonenexttoherandstraddleit,feelinglikeacompleteidiot.I’magrownmanridingayellowhorse.Thisisincrediblyoff-brandforme.
“Sure,”Iansweroffhandedly,becauseIreallydon’tknowwhatIbelievewhenitcomestothatkindofshit.
“That’snotveryconvincing.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.You’rehot,sothere’sinstantattraction.Intheworkenvironment,you’recool,professional,andobviouslyknowsustainabilityissuesfronttoback.Havingspentmoretimewithyourecently,I’velearnedthatyoualwayswanttogetyourway,ina…pestering,control-freakway,andI’mseeingmoreshe-devilbehaviorthatI’mnotsuremanypeopleknowisthere.Butthere’sgottobesomeoneouttherewholikesthatkindofthing.”Ishrug.
Ilikeher,evenwhentheshe-devilcomesout.Regardless,I’mdrawntoher.
“Wow,”shesays,smiling.“Whatalovelypictureyou’vepaintedofme.”
Thebellringsandthecarouselstartsmovingsoshedropstheconversation,pullsoutherphone,andstartssnappingpictures.
“Whatdoyouplanondoingwiththosepictures?”Iaskherasthecarouselpicksupspeed.
“Blackmail,ofcourse.”Shesmirksandthentakesaselfieofthebothofus.
“I’dexpectnothingless.”
***
“JP,putiton.”
“IfyouthinkI’mwearingthat,you’velostyourgoddamnmind.I’vealreadyriddenthecarousel,takenthosestupidboomerangthingsonatrolley,andpretendedtoholdAlcatrazinmyhand.Idrawthelineatwearingagoddamnbibatdinner.”
“You’rebeingasnob.”
“BecauseIdon’twanttowearabib?”
“Precisely.”Shegesturestotherestaurant.“It’spartoftheexperience.”
AnexperienceIdidn’twant.Shechosewhereweweregoingtoeatand,ofcourse,shepickedthepopulartouristattraction,theCrabHouse,which,granted,Iheardhasamazingfood.Butthevibeisnotme.Idon’tdoplasticbibs.
“I’mgoodwithmissingoutontheexperience.”
“Joo-JooPoo-Poo,putonthebib.”
“IsJoo-JooPoo-Poosupposedtobeaguessofmyname?”
“Yes…isthatnotcorrect?”
“Notevenclose.”
“Damn,Iwould’veabsolutelysnortedalloverthistableifitwas.”
“Attractive.”
“Hereweare,”ourwaitresssays,settingdownagiant—andImeangiant,bakingsheet-sized—skilletoftwocookedcrabsandaplateoffriesbetweenus,alongwithmeltedbutterinramekins.“Enjoy.”
“Wow,that’salotofcrab,”Kelseysays.“ButI’veworkedupquitetheappetite.”AndbeforeIcanevenconsiderpickingupafry,shesnapsalegoffacrabandsmilesatme.
Uhh…
Thecrunch,theninja-likewayshejustdidthat,thesatisfactioninherface…makesmethinkIshouldbescaredformylife.
“What’swrong?”sheaskswithasmirk.
“It’sstartlinghowquicklyyousnappedoffthatleg.”
“Letthatbearemindertoyou,JP.Don’tcrossme.”
“Clearly.”Ireachforthecraband,gently,becauseI’mnotsomesortofbarbarian,removealegandpulloutthemeat.WhenIdipitintothebutter,Iwatchitdrip,anddrip…anddrip.
Fuck.
WhenIglanceupatKelsey,she’sjustsmilingatmewiththatknowinggrinofhers.Sheliftsuptheplasticbibandwigglesitatme.
“Justgiveittome,”Isay,snatchingitfromhergrasp,causinghertotipherheadbackandlaugh.
Ifixthebibaroundmyneckandscootmychairclosertothetable.
“Oh,don’tyoulookadorable?”
“Ifyoutakeapicture,I’mgoingto—”
SheliftsherphoneandsmilesjustasIseeherfingerpressagainstthescreen.“Oops,toolate.”Shesmilesagainandstaresatthescreen.“Ooo,thismightbemyfavoriteofthenight.It’sakeeper.”
“Teasingyourbossisn’tinyourbestinterest.”
“You’retechnicallynotmybossasyoujustoverseethings.Ifwewanttogetdowntothenitty-gritty,mybossisHuxley,asyou’vepointedouttome,andI’msurehe’llgivemearaiseonceheseesthe‘data’I’vecollectedtonight.”
Unfortunately,Ithinkshe’scorrect.
“I’llstillreportinsubordination.”
“Goodluckwiththat.”Shewinksandthenripslooseanothercrableg.“Now,willyoupleasetellmewhythisplaceisn’tsuitableforyou?Clearly,thecrabisdelicious,theviewsareamazing,theattire…top-notch.Howcouldthisnotappealtoyou?”
“It’sgimmicky.”
Sherollshereyes.“JustwhatIthought,you’reasnob.Don’thateonaplacethatdoesitrightforthepeoplewhocometovisit.Thisisfulfillingdreamsformerightnow.Eatingcrabbythepier,boatsjustoutsidethewindowinthebay,theoldsubwaytilefromfloortoceiling,andthesimplediningroomtablesthataren’tquitenauticalbutoffernauticalvibes.Thisiseverything.So,excusemeifIfindthiscompletelyfulfilling.Nowifonlythegrumpsittingacrossfrommewouldlightenup.”
“Thisjustisn’tmyidealnight.”
“Uh-huh.Yousaythatasifyouhaveanidealnightinmind.”
“Ido.”Ipopafryintomymouth,andmyanswercauseshertogrowacuriouslook.
Sheleansforward,herhandsupportingherchinasshesays,“Oh,please,dotell.”
“Idon’thavetotellyou,”Isay.“I’mgoingtoshowyou.”
“Showme?”
Inod.“Tomorrownight,whenyou’redonewithyourmeetings.I’mshowingyouwhatmyidealnightinSanFranciscois.”
Shespreadsherhandonthetableandinadramatictone,sheasks,“Wait,sothisfriendshipwe’redeveloping,itisn’tjustaone-nightthing?”
“Thisisn’tafriendship,it’sa…short-termcompanionship.”
Shelaughsoutloud,andtheaddictivesounddrawstheattentionofthetablesaroundus.“Wow,nowonderyou’reinchargeofthemediaforCaneEnterprises.Yousureknowhowtospinthings.Okay,I’llbite.Thisshort-termcompanionship,it’sgoingtocontinuetomorrow?”
“Yes,”Ianswer,takinganotherfry.Havetoadmit,thisshitisgood,despitethegoddamnbib.“AndI’llshowyouexactlywhatanightoutonthetownislike.”
“Betitwon’tbebetterthantonight.”
“Guaranteeditwillbe.”
“Listen,JulianPrince…”Shepauseswithawince,waitingtoseeifshe’scorrect.Ijustshakemyhead,andhershouldersdroop.“Igathereddamningevidenceofyouonacarouselandwearingabib.Nothingisgoingtobeatthis.”
“That’swhatyouthink,”Isaybeforegrabbinganothercrableg.
***
“Okay…admitit,thisisgood,”Kelseysaysaroundhermouthfuloficecream.
WhenIfirstmetKelsey,Ithoughtshewasthishot,uptightorganizerwithadreamtofallinlove.ButInowrealizethatshehadmaintainedherguarded,professionalfa?adeevenwhenwewerehangingoutwithHuxleyandLottieattheirhouse.Butslowly,asthisnighthasunfolded,I’veseenherrelaxmoreandmore.She’snowtalkingtomewithicecreamonherlipsandfudgeonthecornerofhermouth.
It’s…hell,it’sendearing.
She’sdroppedthatshieldofperfectionandIlikethissideofher.Sortofunpredictable,andawholelotrelatable.
“Comeon.”ShenudgesmewithherelbowandIdecidetogivein.
“Yes,thisisgood.”
“Ha,Iknewit.”Sheholdsherfudge-coveredspoonintheair.“IknewI’dgetyou.”
“Youdidn’tgetme,Ghirardellidid.”
Afterwehaddinner,KelseydemandedthatweheadupthehilltoGhirardellitogetdessert.Itwasabitofahike,sobythetimewegotthere,dinnerwaspartiallydigestedandwewerereadytodigintodessert.
Wedecidedtoshareaclassichot-fudgesundae.Wefoundatableinthemiddleofthebusyrestaurant.WhereIwould’veratherwalkedaroundoutsidetoeat,sheonceagainwantedthefullexperience.Sowe’recrowdedaroundaroundbistrotablewithamarbletop,peopleallaroundus,enjoyingtheirsundaesjustasmuchasweare.
It’schaotic.
It’sloud.
AndIhatetoadmitit,butit’stheperfectendingtoourevening.
“OhmyGod,lookoverthere,thatcoupleismakingout.”
“What?”Iask.
Shepointswithherspoon.“Rightthere,inthecorner.Whatdoyouthink—firstdate?”
“Doyoudothatonafirstdate?”Iaskher.“BecausefromwhatIrecallofourfirstandonlydate,youwerepricklierthanthat.”
“BecauseIwasexpectingtomeetthemanofmydreams,andinsteaditwasthemanofmynightmares.”
Iclutchmyheart.“Youwoundme,Kelsey.”
Shenudgesmyshoulderplayfully.“Butlookatusnow,livingoutashort-termcompanionship.Miraclesdohappen.”
“Don’tletitgettoyourhead.We’rebarelyashort-termcompanionship.”
“Idon’tknow,youagreedtoasecondoutingwithme,soitseemslikewe’recommittedtoeachother.Ifthatdoesn’tsmellofshort-termcompanionship,Idon’tknowwhatdoes.”
“Christ,you’reincessantlyannoyingtonight.”
“JustadashofwhatIhavetodealwithwhenI’mhangingoutwithyou.”
Andwitty.
Iscoopupanotherspoonfulofoursundaebutfocusmoreontheicecreamthanthefudge.I’venoticedKelseyisverymuchintothefudgeandfiguredI’dletherhavemore.
See,Icanbeagoodguy.
“So,youneveransweredthequestion.Isthatwhatyoudoonafirstdate?Makeoutinthecornerofachocolatestoresoromancevoyeurslikeyourselfcanwatchthesideshowoflip-locking?”
“MaybewhenIwastwenty-oneIwould’vebeenmorelikelytomakeoutinarestaurant,butnowthatI’marespectableladyinhermid-twenties,Ihavestandards.Iexpectagoodmeal,greatconversation,andthen,ifI’vebeendazzledbytheendofthenight,I’llleaninforakiss.”
“Dazzled,huh?Whatdoesittaketodazzleyou?”
“Takingnotes?”sheaskswitharaisedbrow.
“Yes,onhowtodotheopposite,youknow,becauseifI’mnotannoyingyou,thenwhatamIactuallydoingwithmylife?”
Herfacefallsflat,andIchuckle.“Well,ifthat’sthecase,I’llbekeepingmydazzlingtomyself.”
Inudgeherunderthetablewithmyfoot.“Justtellme.”
Shestudiesmeforasecondandthensays,“Well,firstofall,hecan’tbefullofhimself.Heneedstohavealevelhead,andbeagoodlistener,butalsonotbeafraidtotalkabouthimself.Familyisimportanttome,soIwanttoknowthathe’sclosetohisfamily.Hmm,whatelse?Oh,aself-deprecatingstoryisalwaysgood,becausethenIknowhedoesn’ttakehimselftooseriously.Ialsolikelittletoucheshereandthere,butnothingtoooverthetop.Iliketoknowthathe’sinterestedwithoutcrowdingme.Andofcourse,interestingquestions,aconversationthatjustflows.Also,I’msuperintoagoodsmile,kindeyes,andamanwhopullsachairoutforme.Agentleman.”
Islowlynod.“TherewasacolumnIusedtoread,called‘TheModernGentleman.’Healwayssaidtoopenthedoorforyourgirl,butasshewalksthroughthatdoor,besuretorunyourhandalongherasssosheknowswhoshebelongsto.Isthatwhatyou’relookingfor?”
Sheblinksafewtimesandthenturnsherattentiontothesundae.“Imean,Iwouldn’tbemadaboutit.”
Ichuckle.“I’mgoingtotakethatasayes.Youknow,that’saprettyhighstandardyou’rerequiringamantoliveupto.”
“ShouldIfeelguiltyaboutthat?”shesaysinchallenge.
Notevenhavingtothinkaboutit,Ishakemyhead.“No,Idon’tthinkso.Whysettlewhenyouknowwhatyouwant?Although,don’tyouthinkyouweresettlingwithEdwin?”
“Edwinwasclearlyamomentarylapseofjudgment.Frankly,IblameyouforEdwin.”
“Me?”Ipointtomychest.“Whydoyoublameme?Ididn’tforceyoutogooutwiththedweeb.”
“Hewasn’tadweeb,hewasjust…dweebish.”
“Ifthatmakesyoufeelbetter,sure.Butnotsurewhyyou’reblamingme.”
“Because,thatdinnerwehadattheblinddaterestaurantwasatrocious.ItmademethinkIhadtolowermystandards.”
“Itwasn’tthatbad,”Isay.
“Youweren’ttheonewhowastheretomeetsomeone.Youweretheretofulfillabet.Iwashonestlyexcited.Itmighthaveseemedentertainingtoyou,butitwasmoredishearteningtome.”
Nowthatactuallymakesmefeelbad.Ineverthoughtaboutitthatway,andbeforeIknowit,guiltconsumesme.
“Sorry,Kelsey,”Isay,lookingherintheeyes.“Iwasanidiotic,pridefulmanthatnight.YouwoundedmypridewhenIfirstshowedup,andIdidn’tshakeitoff.Itriedtobringyoudownwithme.Ishouldn’thavedonethat.”
Shepauses,herspoonmidwaytohermouthasshesays,“Wow,uh…thanks,JP.”Shegrinswhilebringingherspoontohermouth.“Carousel,pictures,bibs…andanapology.DareIsay,thismightbeoneofmyfavoritenightsever?Avastimprovementfromtheblinddaterestaurant.Thiswhole‘short-termcompanionship’thingisactuallyratherenjoyable.”
“GladIcouldmakeituptoyou.”
“Youdid…JosiahPhoenix.”
“Close.”
Hereyeswidenwithexcitement.“Really?”
Ilaugh.“No.”
“Ugh.”Shepushesme.“Thatwasjustmean.”
“Ifounditentertaining.”Iexchangeasmirkwithher,whichtomygoddamndelight…shereciprocates.
***
“Canyourollmetomyroom?”Kelseyasksasshecollapsestothefloorofthepenthouseandtakesoffhershoes.“Idon’tthinkIcanmoveanotherinch.”
Shethenliesonthefloor,fumbleswiththewaistbandofherjeans,andundoesthebuttonbeforegroaninginrelief.
“Wow,thisisasighttosee.”
Blechhhh
Shecovershermouthfromtheveryunladylikeburpthatjusteruptedoutofher.Sheglancesatme,shockregisteringacrossherface,beforesheasks,“Didyouhappentohearthat?”
“Babe,thedoormanthirtystoriesdownheardthat.ItrattledtheveryfloorI’mstandingon.”
“Don’tbedramatic.”
“IthinkSanFranciscowillbereportinganearthquakeontheRichterscale.”
“Stopit.”
“Iactuallyfeelnauseatedfromtheaftershocks.”
Sheswatsatmylegs,andIlaughasIreachdownandgrabherbytheankles.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Pullingyoutoyourroom…wait…nothinggoingtocomeoutofthebottomend,isthere?”
“Eww,doyoureallythinkIwoulddothat?”
“Well,honestly,Iwouldn’tbeabletotellyou,becausethegirlIonceknewasthetight-lippedperfectionistjustunbuttonedherjeansinfrontofmeandletoutamonstrousbelch,so…Ican’tbesurewhatmighthappennext.”
ShedrapesherarmoverhereyesasIcontinuetopullher.“ThisiswhyI’llneverfindanyonetoloveme.I’maclosetgrossperson.”
“No,you’renot…you’rejustnormal.”
Shepeekspastherarmandsays,“You’rejustsayingthatsoIdon’tactuallyfartwhileyou’repullingme.”
“I’mreallynot.It’snicetoseethatyou’renotalwayssostuck-up.”
“Stuck-up?That’spreposterous.”
“Onlysomeonewho’sstuck-upwouldusethetermpreposterous,”IsayasIreachherbedroom.Iopenherdooranddragherin.Iconsiderleavingheronthefloorbut,bendingdown,Ipickherup.Shesquealsinsurprisebeforeloopingherarmsaroundmyneck.
“Whatonearthareyoudoing?”
“Tossingyouonyourbed,”IsayasIthrowher,buttomychagrin,shedoesn’tletgoofmyneck,soinsteadofmewatchingherflopontothebed,wecollideinafitoflimbsonthebed.“JesusChrist,”Imumbleintothecomforter.“Youweresupposedtoletgo.”
“Ijustateawholecrab,halfaplateoffries,halfasundae,andhadtounbuttonmypantsinfrontofyouwhenwegothome.WhatonearthmakesyouthinkIwanttobetossedaround?”
“So,this,mepressingintoyourstomachisbetter?”
“Couldbebetterpositioning.”
“Letgo,”Isay.
“Oh,right,yes.”SheunloopsherarmsfromaroundmyneckandIliftoffher.“Now,woulditbetoomuchtoaskofourshort-termcompanionshiptohaveyoustripmedownandputmypajamason?”
Iglareather.“Babe,ifI’mstrippingyoudown,I’msureasfucknotputtinganythingbackonyou.”
Sherubsherstomach.“Ohyeah?You’dwantapieceofthis?”
“Oddly,Ifinditintriguing.”
“Standards,JP…standards.”
Ishrug.“Ihavenone.”Iwalktowardherbedroomdoor.“Areyougoingtobeabletomanageonyourown?”
Sheheavesalargesigh.“Ibelieveso.Itmighttakemeahotsecondtogathermyselfbut,yes,I’llpersevere.”
“Okay,then…goodnight.”
“Goodnight…JordanPreston.”
Igripthedoorwayandlookovermyshoulder.“It’sJonahPeter.”
Aslow,sexysmilepassesoverherlipsbeforeshesays,“Goodnight…Jonah.”
“Goodnight,Kelse.”
***
Breaker:Areyoudead?
JP:YouknowdamnwellI’mnotdeadandyouknowdamnwellIdon’twanttotalkaboutit.
Breaker:Dude…acarousel?Abib?KelseytextedLottie,whoshowedthepicturestoHuxley,whoclearlysentthemtome.Shereallyhasyoubytheballs,doesn’tshe?
JP:Isaid,Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.
Breaker:NowayinhellamIgoingtoletyoudropthis.Whatthehellisgoingon?
JP:Absolutelynothing.
Breaker:Didyougooutonadatetonight?
JP:No,wewentoutasshort-termcompanions.
Breaker:Isthatwhatthekidsarecallingitthesedays?
JP:Unlessyouhavesomethingproductivetotalkabout,youcangotohell.
Breaker:I’mbeingserious.You’vecrushedonhereversinceyoumether,sowhat’sgoingon?Youtryingtostartsomething?
JP:No.Itwasasimpleouting.Wehavenothingtodohere,sosheaskedmetodotouristythingswithher.Idid.That’sit.Whenwegotbacktothepenthouse,sheburped,andIhadtodragherbyherfeettoherroombecauseshewassofull.Trustme,nothingisgoingon.
Breaker:Butdoyouwantsomethingtohappen?
JP:Whyareyouactinglikeagossipingmomrightnow?
Breaker:Ijustworryaboutyou.You’vebeendifferentlately.Iwanttomakesureyou’reokay.
JP:IfI’vebeendifferent,ithasnothingtodowithKelsey.
Breaker:Whatdoesthatmean?
JP:Nothing.Don’tworryaboutit.Listen,I’mtiredandIhaveanearlymeetingtomorrowwithJeremiahoveratTheWharf.
Breaker:Okay,butyouknowI’mhereforyouifyouneedtotalk.Huxleymightbeoccupied,butI’mnot.Youcanrelyonme.
JP:Thanks.I’mgood,though.
Breaker:Good.Also…ifyouhavefeelingsforher,man,goforit.
JP:Getalife,Breaker.Night.ChapterThirteen
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
HuxleyandLottie
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.HuxleyandLottie,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.Please,tellushowyoumet.
Lottie:It’saboutfreakingtimeyouhaveyoursisteronthispodcast.Weshould’vebeenyourfirstcouple.
Kelsey:Youweren’tacouplewhenIstartedthispodcast.
Lottie:That’sanannoyinglygoodpoint,butstill,tookyoulongenough.We,byfar,havethemostinterestingstoryoutofanyoneoutthere.
Huxley:Mightwanttotoneitdownabit.
Lottie:Huxleyisnervoushe’lllosecredibilityifwetellourstory,butItoldhim,itjustshowshowyou’reareallygoodbusinessman.Isn’tthatright,snookums?
Huxley:Layingitonthick,arewe?
Lottie:Thelistenersneedtoknowhowinloveweare.
Huxley:Younevercallmesnookums
Lottie:WhatIcallyouisn’tprobablypodcast-approved.
Huxley:Youcallmebymyname.
Lottie:Really?BecauseIthinkIcallyou“ohGod”moreoftenthannot.
Kelsey:AndthisispreciselywhyIhaven’thadyouontheshow.Thiswasabadidea.
Lottie:No,itwasn’t.We’reinlove.We’regettingmarried.Don’tturnoffthechat.Kelsey,don’tturnit—
***
“Areyoualmostready?”JPcallsoutfromtheentryway.
“Yes,”Iyell.“Sheesh,giveagirlasecond.”
“You’vehadmultipleseconds.”
“Igothomelikeaminuteago.”
“Trytenminutes.Youjusthadtochange.Whatareyoudoinginthere?”
“Puttingondeodorant.”Iswipemyarmpitsonemoretime,capthedeodorant,thengrabmypurseandheadtotheentryway.“God,doyouwantmetosmell?”IaskjustasIlookuptofindJPposedagainstthefrontdoor.
Holy…moly.
I’mnotsureI’veeverseenthemanlookthiscasual,butit’sdoingallsortsofbubbly,warmthingsinsidemystomach.Deckedoutinwornandtornjeans,ablackshirt,andahooded,blackleatherjacket,he’soozingwithsexappeal.Hetopsoffthelookwithabackwardshat,andIfeelmyinsidesquake.Nottomentionthethickhairpepperedonhisjawlineorthedeepcolorofhislashesmakinghiseyesseemimpossiblygreener.
“What?”heaskswhenhecatchesmestaring.
“Uh…sorry,justdon’tthinkI’veeverseenyouthiscasualbefore.”
Heglancesdownathisoutfitandthenbackatme.“Didyouexpectmetodressupforyou?Thisisn’tadate.”
Wellawarethisisn’tadate.
“Iknowthat,”Isnapathimandputmypurseovermyshoulder.“ButpardonmeifI’malittlestunnedtoseeyouinahat.Didn’tknowyouownedone.”
“I’mprettysureeverymaleownsabaseballhat.”
“Well,itlooksoddonyou.”Itdoesn’t,itlooksreallygood,butthere’snowayI’mgoingtosaythat.
“Well,jeanslookfuckingweirdonyou,”heshootsback.
“Really?”Iaskinaninsecurevoice.
Herollshiseyes.“No,butseehowit’sunkindtosaypeoplelookweird?Acomplimentwould’vebeengood.”
“Youwantmetocomplimentyou?Whenthisisn’tadate?Ithoughtthiswasashort-termcompanionship.Ifthat’sthecase,Iteasemyfriends,andtherefore,I’llsayyoulookweirdinahatbecauseI’msousedtoMr.Businessman.Butifyoutrulyneedtoknow,thebackwardshatsuitsyou.”
“Iwanttosaythere’sacomplimentinthere,soI’lltakeit.”
Hestartstowalkaway,butIholdoutmyarmsandask,“Caretotossacomplimentmyway?”
Hiseyesroamovermysimplejeansandoff-the-shouldersweaterbeforehesays,“Icansmellyourdeodorant,anditdoesn’tsmelllikeBO.Goodjob.”
Ifeelmyfacefallflat.“That’syourcompliment?”
Heopensthefrontdoorformeandasks,“Haveaproblemwiththat?”
“It’snotevenacompliment,it’sjustpointingouttheobvious.”It’saboutasgoodasbeingtoldthecolorofmydressisnice.OrI’veseenbetter
Istarttowalkpasthim,butthenhegripsmywristandleansintomyear.“Kelsey…”
Hisvoicedripslikehoneyovermyexposedshoulder.Iswallowtightlyandnod.“Yes?”
Hisbodymovesagainstmine,mysidetohischestashewhispers,“Ilikehowwhiteyourshoesare.”
Andthenheletsgoofmeandshutsthepenthousedoorbehindus.
Heglancesbackatmewithasmirkasweheadfortheelevator.Ijogafterhimandgivehimapush.
“What?”heasks.“Youwantedacompliment.”
“Yeah,well,don’tdoitlikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
“Youknow…allseductive.”
Hisbrowraises,nearlytouchinghishat.“Youthoughtthatwasseductive?Andfromtheblushonyourcheeks,itseemsyoulikedit.”
“That’smakeup,”Isay,pattingmyheatedface.
It’snotmakeup.
That’sallme.
IfI’mgoingtobetruthful,lastnightshookme.
IhadagreattimewithJP.Ofcourse,Ihadtobattlehisbadmoodfromtimetotime,butIalsowatchedhimcomplywithmydemandsonmanyoccasions.Hewasoutofhiscomfortzone,andyet,hekeptupwithmeandnevertrulycomplained.Ihadalotoffun.Andthen,whenwegothomeandhedraggedmebytheanklestomyroom,andtoldmehisrealname…
Ladies…listen,I’veneverinmylifehadsuchawaveofbutterflieseruptinmystomach.Likeaswarmofthem,allflutteringatthesametime.Itwasoverwhelming.
Ispenttheentiredaytodaythinkingaboutit,thinkingabouthim,andbythetimeIwasheadedbacktothepenthouse,Itoldmyselftogetittogether.Yes,JPishot.Yes,hehasthisalpha-likeattitudethat’sappealingtome.And,yes,heopeneduplastnightandhadfunwithme,but…there’sonethingIneedtoremember.
Oneimportantthing.
Hedoesn’tdorelationships.
He’snotthetypeofguywhosettlesdown,wantstosettledown,orevenwantsagirlfriend.Thatwasevidentinourconversationlastnight.
So,beforemyheartstartsskippingabeateverytimeIhearhimbreathe,Ineedtoremindmyselfthathe’snotthemarryingtype.He’snotlong-term.He’snotwhatyou’relookingfordespitehowmuchhemakesyoumentallyfaintfromjustonewink.
“Doesn’tseemlikemakeup,”JPsaysastheelevatordoorspartandhewalksin.
“Areyouamakeupaficionadonow?”
“Iknowsomethingsaboutthestuff.”Hepressesthelobbybutton.
“Ohyeah?Doyouwearblush,JP?”
“Onlywhenit’scaughtonthecollarofmyshirt.”HesmirksandIhatehimforit.
Butalso…God,he’ssohot.
Attemptingtomovepastthistopic,Iclearmythroatandask,“So,what’splannedfortheevening?Allyousaidwasdresscasual.ShouldIknowanythingelse?”
“Justleaveittome.”
“That’swhatyoukeepsaying,butIneedtotellyou,I’mabitworried.”
“Why?YouknowIwouldn’tletanythinghappentoyou,”hesayssoearnestlythatItrulybelievehim.
“Iknowthat,”Isay,feelingshyabouttheconfession.“But,youknow,it’salwaysnicetoprepareoneselfforwhat’stocome.So,whatshouldIpreparefor?”
“Prepareyourselftohaveagoodtime,”isallhesaysastheelevatorslowsandthedoorsopen.Hestepsbehindme,placeshishandonmylowerback,andguidesmeouttothefrontofthehotel,wherethedoormanopensthedoorforus
“Mr.Cane,MissGardner.Haveagoodnight.”
“You,too,Tim,”JPsaysbeforeheleadsmetoourwaitingcarandopensmydoorforme.
Ittakesmeamoment,butwhenI’msettledinthebackseatwithhim,mymindwhirlswiththoughts.Stupidthoughts.
Annoyingthoughts.
Heopeneddoorsforme.
Hetouchesme.
Hecouldn’tpossiblybedoingthethingsIsaidIlookforondates…right?
OhmyGod,Kelsey,areyouhearingyourself?
Thisisexactlywhyyoudon’tgetinvolvedinstupidshort-termcompanionships—orfriendshipswithmen—becauseyou’resuchastupidromanticthatyouthinkeveryoneistryingtodateyou.
ThisisJPwe’retalkingabout.Themanisaflirt.He’salsoveryattentiveandagentlemanbynature.DuringmeetingsatCaneEnterprises,beforeanyofthisinsanityevenstarted,heoftenheldopendoors,orhelpedmeoutofcars.Thisisnothingnew.ThisisJPjustbeingJP.
“Wanttotellmewhyyourjawisclenchedlikethat?”JPasksaswestartmakingourwaythroughtown.
“Isitclenched?Oh…Idon’tknow.I’mnotmadoranything,ifthat’swhatyou’rethinking.There’snothingtobemadabout,orirritatedat,right?Justtwoshort-termcompanionsgoingsomewhereunknown,that’sall.”
Heeyesmesuspiciously.“You’reactingweird.”
“AmI?”Iwavemyhandinfrontofmyface.“Maybeit’shotinhere.Areyouhot?I’mwearingalightweightsweaterbutitstillfeelshot.Areyouhot?”
“I’mfine,”hesays,lookingdisturbed.Idon’tblamehim.I’minternallyfreakingoutandexternallystartingtoprojectit.“ButwecanturnuptheAC.”
“No,that’sfine.Noneedtogetcrazyoranything.”
Hepausesandthenturnstowardme.“Kelsey,doyounotwanttodothis?”
“What?No.Imean…yes.”
“Yes,youdon’twanttodothis?”
“No.Yes…urgh.Iwanttodothis.I’msorry,I’mjust…awkward.IgnoremewhileIgathermyselfandtrytoactlikeanormalhumanforyou.”Igivehimabriefsmile,thenlookoutthewindow,squeezemyeyesshut,andattempttosteadymyheart.
Getittogether,Kelsey.
Sowhatifhetookpicturesonacarouselwithyouyesterday,toldyouhisrealname,touchedyouinthelobby…
Thismeansnothing.
Absolutelynothing.
MyphonebuzzesinmypurseandI’mgratefulforthereprieve.Ifishitoutandglanceatthescreen.
Lottie:DinnertomorrownightwithDerekattheCrabHouseonPier39.Hethoughtitwouldbetheperfectplaceforadate.Meethimthereatseven.Don’tbelate.
Ismirk.
Theperfectdate—seemslikeagooddatetome.MaybeDerekandIhavesomethingincommon.
Andjustlikethat,theanxietyandtensionthatwasknockingmeinthechestwitheverybreathItookisquicklywipedaway.That’sright,Ihaveadatetomorrow,averyrealdate.Withaguywho,byallstandards,isquitealooker.Lottiesentmeapictureofhimtheotherday.
Blondhair,hasthatwhole…“Iownaboat”look.WhichI’msurehedoes,givenhowhe’sinthesamerealmofbusinessasDaveandtheCanebrothers.GraduatedfromYaleandhasagoldenretrievernamedFreddie.Doesn’tgetbetterthanthat,right?
“You’resmilinglikeamadwomannow.ShouldIbeworried?”JPasks,snappingmyattentionbacktothepresent.
“No,notatall.Justexcitedaboutoureveningout,ofcourse.”
“Okay,yousure?BecauseIfeellikeyou’verunthroughagauntletofemotionsinthelastfiveminutes.”
“Positive.Therewillbenomoreerraticemotionsfromhereonout.”
***
“Whydoyouhavetearsinyoureyes?”JPaskswhenwestepuptotherestaurant.
Iturntowardhimandask,“Howdoyouknowaboutthisrestaurant?”
“Uh,youandLottietalkedaboutitintheelevator.Saidhowyourmomtookyouhere.Areyou…notcoolwiththat?Wecangosomewhereelse.I’venevertriedthisplace,butIknewdimsumwasamustinSanFrancisco,soIthoughtyou’dwanttogohere.”
Mylipquivers.
Atearslidesdownmycheek.
AndI’mleftspeechlessaswestareateachother,onthesidewalk,outsideoftheDimSumStar.
“Kelsey…”
“I’msorry.”Iwipeatmytears.“Thiswasverythoughtful,JP.Ididn’tthinkyouwerepayingattentiontothatconversation.”
“Ipayattentionalotmorethanyouthink,”hesaysbeforetakingmyhandinhis,givingitasqueeze,andwalkingustothedoor.Beforeheopensit,though,hequietlysays,“Ifyouneedanothermoment,letmeknow.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mgood.”Ismile.Hetakesthatasthegreenlight,opensthedoorforme,andleadsmeintotherestaurant.
And,ohmygosh,itlooksexactlythesame.
Plainbeigewalls,dingybluecarpet,andflimsypartitionsthatseparatetablesandrooms.It’sabsolutelyperfect.JustasIrememberedit.
TheworldlysmellofsomeofthebestfoodI’veeverhadassaultsmewithmemories.
IturntoJPandsay,“Ithasn’tchangedonebit,whichmakesmewonder…”Iturntowardtheirwallofpicturesandwalkuptoit.Myeyesscanthemanyfacesuntiltheylandontwoveryfamiliarexpressions.MyeyeswellupalloveragainandIquicklytakemyphoneoutofmypurse.I’mabouttotakeapicturewhenJPplucksmyphonefrommyhands.
Iturntoprotest,butJPnodsatthepictureandsays,“Pointatit.I’lltakeyourpicturewithit.”
Idojustthat.ThenItakeafewpictures,includingoneofjustthepicturetohaveit,andthensendthemtoLottie,whileJPexaminesthetwoinnocentgirlswithfullbelliesintheframe.
“Nicebraces.”
Ichuckle.“Thankyou.”
“AndthatMinnieMouseshirt…wow.Youknow,ImighthaveaskedyoutoholdmyhandifIknewyoubackthen.”
“YouthinkYoungJPandYoungKelseycould’vebeenmorethanshort-termcompanions?”
Hepausestothinkaboutitandthenshakeshishead.“Nah,Iwastoomuchofadick,alwayscausingtrouble.Withthosebracesandthatshirt,you’dhaveseemedfartooinnocentforme.”
“Hey,whatdidItellyouaboutmyinnocence?DoIneedtoproveyouotherwiseagain?”
“Please,provethatagain.Wouldn’tmindsneakinganothertasteofyou,”hesays,beforepullingmetowardthehostess.
Idon’thavetimetorespondtohisblatantflirting—that’sflirting,right?—becausewe’reusheredthroughtherestaurantuntilwe’reshowntoaseatbyawindowthatgivesusagreatviewofthebustlingChinatown.
BeforeIcanreachformychair,JPpullsitoutformeandthentakesaseatacrossfromme.WhenIglanceinhisdirection,hejustgivesmeashrugandpicksuphismenu,placingitinfrontofhisface.
Don’toverthinkit,Kelsey.Justhavefun.
MyphonebuzzesandIsay,“Ibetthat’sLottietextingback,canIlookatit?”
“Youdon’tneedmypermission.Haveatit.Hey,doyouknowifthisteaisanygood?”
“Uh…Idon’tthinkI’vehaditbefore,”Isayandthenpickupmyphoneandreadthetextmessage.
Lottie:OMG!HetookyoutoDimSumStar?Whydidthatjustmakemyheartflutter?Howdidheknow?
IglanceupatJP,who’simmersedinthemenu,soItextback.
Kelsey:Heardustalkingaboutit.ThoughtI’dwanttorevisitit.
Herresponseisimmediate.
Lottie:Umm…ishethoughtful?
Kelsey:Ithinkhe’sjusttryingtoshowmehe’snottheassholeI’veclaimedheis.
Lottie:He’sdefinitelynot,withthatkindofdinnersurprise.Well,havefun.Don’tgetthetea,remember,Momgaggedonit.
Oh,that’sright.
“Don’tgetit,”Inearlyshoutwhileholdingmyarmouttohim.
Hepeeksoverthemenu,hisdarkbrowspullingtogether.
“Jesus…don’tgetwhat?”
MycheeksheatupasIrealizehowinsaneImusthavejustsounded.“Uh,thetea.LottiejustremindedmethatMomgotitandgaggedonit.So,maybeskipthetea.”
“Okay.”Heeyesmeweirdly.“Areyousureyou’reokay?”
Iofferhimasmile.“Justfine.”
“Okay,”hedragsout.
Wespendthenextfewminutesdecidingwhatwewanttoorder.Theynolongercartthefoodaroundbutbringtheitemsyouchoose.Wepickoutafewdishesthatwe’rebothinterestedinandthen,onceourwaitressheadsbacktothekitchen,Itakeasipofmywater.
“So,thisisyouridealnightout?Chasingafteragirl’sdreamrestaurant?”
“No.GettingdimsuminChinatownisamust.”
“Don’tyouthink…that’sslightlytouristy?”
“Probably,”heanswers.“IfIwastakingyouout,youknow,onadate,Iwould’vetakenyoutotheParksideClub.”
“What’sthat?”Iask.
“ArestaurantatthetopoftheParksideBuilding.Weownit.”
“Naturally.”Ilaugh.
“Brilliantchefwhomakesthebestfuckingdumplingsyou’lleverhave.HestartedhisculinaryjourneyinChinatown,actually.Huxleyfoundhimandofferedhimajobthathecouldn’trefuse.NotmanypeoplecanaffordtoeatattheParksideClub,butthosethatdo,eatwell.”
“Well,youknow,youcould’vetakenmethere.”
Heshakeshishead.“Nah,thevibewouldn’thavebeenright.Formalattireisrequiredandtheplaceisstuffyasshit.Here,wegettorelax.”Hesaysthatasheslouchesinhischair.
“So,thenwhowouldyoutaketotheParksideClub?Aspecialdate?”
Headjustshishatonhisheadandsays,“I’veonlygonewithmybrothers.Haven’ttakenanyone.LikeIsaid,foodisfuckinggood,butit’sstuffy.I’mnotabouttotakeadatethere.”
“ButIthoughtyousaidthiswasn’tadate?Maybeyoushould’vetakenmethere.”
“Andmissoutontheopportunitytoseeyoucryoverapictureofyourselfwithbraces?Fuckno.”
Ilaugh.“Ah,yes,adreammoment,I’msure.”
Hetapsthesideofhishead.“Filedthatawayforsafekeeping.”
“I’msureyoudid.”Ileanonthetableandask,“So,whatdidyoudotoday?”
“Nothingspecial,”heanswers.“Answeredalaundrylistofemailsfrommybrothers,workedout,didsomevisits.”
“Whatkindofvisits?Conjugal?”
“What?”Helaughs.“WhothefuckwouldIbevisitinginprison?”
“Idon’tknowyourlife.Couldbeanyone.”
“Thatfuckingbrainofyours,there’ssomethingwrongwithit.No,Ijustvisitedwithsomenonprofitsinthearea.”
Thatperksmeup.“Really?Whichones?”
“Ifyoumustknow,youfuckingnoseything”—thatmakesmesmile—“Imetwithafoundationthatsavespigeonsandthenstoppedbyananimalshelter.”
“Youjustcasuallywentandsavedanimalstoday.Isthatwhatyou’retellingme?”
“Ididn’tsavethembut,youknow,grewsomeconnections.”Heshrugs.“ThenwentbacktothepenthousewhereItookashowerandgotready.IfIknewyouweregoingtotakeforevertogetdressed,Iwould’vespentmoretimeintheshower.”
“Ohyeah,doingwhat?”
Heraisesabrow,andthat’sallhehastosay.
“Ah,Isee.Theoldscrubandtug,huh?”
Hisheadfallsbackandaverysexyrumbleoflaughterfallsoutofhim.“Yeah,somethinglikethat.Whataboutyou,howwereyourmeetingstoday?”
“Fun,”Isaywithasmile.“ImetwithDenaoverattheSouthbuilding.Shewasthesweetest,andwespentallmorningwalkingthroughthebuildingandseeingwherewecouldmakechanges.She’sveryexcitedaboutalltheplanswemappedout.”
“Denaischill,Ilikeher.”
Justasmybellyrumbles,thewaitressapproacheswithourfood,soconversationisputonholdaswemakeroomforthedishes.Porkandchivedumplings,shrimpdumplings,Shanghaichickenbun,vegetablespringrolls,andsauteedasparagus.Itsmellsamazing.
Webothpickupchopsticks,prepthem,andwithoutsayingaword,wedigin.
***
WestandonthesidewalkoutsideoftheDimSumStar,waitingforthecartopullaround,whenIsay,“Youknow…Irememberitbeingalotbetterthanthat.”
JPpatshischestasheletsoutaquietburp.“Fuck…Ineedsomethingtoremovethetasteofthatchivedumplingfrommymouth.”
“I’msorry.Areyougoingtobeokay?”
“We’llsee,won’twe?”heasks.
Likerabidanimals,wedugintoourdishes,eachpullingdumplingsfromthesteamingbasketsandplacingthemonourplates.Ourfirstbiteswereravenous.Oursecond…quizzical.Ourthird…worried.Silently,wetriedanotheritem,andanother,untilwebothlookedupateachother,grabbedourwaterglasses,andattemptedtowashdownthepeculiartaste.
Therewasnouse,ourtastebudsweretainted,anditwasn’tapleasantexperienceafterthat.Weatethefoodbecauseneitherofuswantedtowasteit,butwhentheyaskedwhatelsewewantedtoorder,weraisedourhandswithapolite“no,thankyou,”andthenJPpaidthebill.
Thedriverpullsup,andJPstepstothedoor,openingitformeand,justliketheothertimes,onceI’min,hefollowsrightbehindme.Callingtothedriver,hesays,“TwentiethCenturyBakery,please.”
Thenhepullsouthisphoneandstartstypingawayonit.
“What,uh,what’sattheTwentiethCenturyBakery?”
“Somethingthatwillhopefullyappeaseourstomachs.”Hefinishesuponhisphoneandthenrelaxesintotheseat.“Hell,Kelsey,thatshitwasterrible.”
“Iknow.IhavenoideahowLottieandIateasmuchaswedidthefirsttimewewent.”
“Kidsdon’thavepropertastebuds,that’swhy.Ishould’vethoughtaboutthat.”
“Well,thesentimentwasthere,andIappreciateit.”Ireachoverandsqueezehisforearm.“Thankyou.”
Thecornerofhismouthtipsup.“You’rewelcome.”
“So,thisbakeryplace,doesithaveaseatingarea?”
“Yes,butwe’llgetourdesserttogo.Wehaveabitofadrivetothenextstopandareservationwecan’tmiss.”
“Thenextplace?”Iturnmoretowardhim.“Tellmemore.”
“Nope.”Heshakeshishead.“That’sasurprise.”
“That’sannoying.”
“Isit?”heasks.“Orisitfun?”
“Annoying.”
Hechuckles.“Yeah,I’dbeannoyedtoo,butremember,thisismynight,notyours,therefore,wedoitmyway.”
“Ah,yes,whichremindsme.”We’restoppedatalight,soIunbucklemyseatbeltmomentarily,scootclosertoJP,andholdmyphoneoutinfrontofusforaselfie.“Smile,short-termcompanion.”
Hewrapshisarmaroundmeandholdsmecloseashesmilesthatwickedsmileofhis,andforamoment,Ialmostforgettotakethepicture.Foramoment,Igetlostinthefeelofhisarmholdingmeclose,ofhiscolognecurlingaroundme,andthewarmthofhisbody.
Butthecarstartsmovingagain,soIsnapthepictureandhurrybacktomyside.“Ishould’vetakenapictureofusatDimSumStar.”
“Amemorywedon’tneedremindingof.”
Wespendafewmoremomentsdrivingthroughtown,thenthedriverpullsupatthecurbandJPsays,“Waithere.”Hehopsoutofthecarintothisoldcornerbuildingthatlookspositivelycharmingfromtheoutside.Throughthelargeglasswindows,Iseehimpullouthiswallet,handsomeonesomemoney,andthenthankthemashewalksbacktowardthedoorwithacakeboxandtwowaters.
Themomenthe’sbackinthecar,hesaystothedriver,“Allset.”
Thedrivernodsandstartsmovingthecaragain.
Tomysurprise,JPscootsintothemiddleseat,bucklesup,andthenhandsmeawaterandafork.That’swhenthedelicioussugarysmellfromtheboxhitsme.
“Um,whateveryouhaveundertheresmellsamazing.”
“That’swhatyousaidabouttheDimSum.”
“IsthisgoingtotastelikethefoodfromtheDimSum?”
Heshakeshisheadandpopsopenthelid,revealingabeige-coloredcake.“Notevenclose.ThisismyfavoritedessertintheBayArea.Nothingbeatsit.AhoneycakefromTwentiethCenturyBakery.Guaranteed,youwon’tfindanythingbetter.”
“I’llbethejudgeofthat.”Idipmyforkandcutoffalargepiecefromtheside,andthenbringittomymouth,whichwaters.“OhGod,”IawkwardlymoanasIchew.“Wow…okay…wow,thisis…”
“Phenomenal,”hesayswhiletakinghisownbite.
“Yup,thatwouldbecorrect.Thisisphenomenal.Mmm.”Iliftanotherpiece.“IsitweirdtosayIloveyourightnow?”
“Afterthemealwejustsufferedthrough?No.Eatup,babe.Thiswillmakeupforallthosechewydumplingsyoujustconsumed.”
“Theywerequitechewy,weren’tthey?Notthis,though,thisislikeasugarcloudinmymouth.”
“Sugarcloud,huh?”heasks.
“Yup.Seriously,thisisamazing.Howdidyoufindit?”
“Trialanderror.IliketofindsomethingspecialineverycityIgotosoifsomeoneasksmewhattheyshouldtry,Icangivethemsomethinggoodtoget.Thisisonmylist.It’samust-havewhenyoucomehere.”
“Doyouhavealistoftheseplaces?”
Henods,tomysurprise.“Ikeepnotesinmyphone.”
“Really?”Iask.“Thatdoesn’tseemlikesomethingyou’ddo.”
“Whynot?”
“Idon’tknow.”Itakeanotherbite.“Yourattitudecomesacrossastoocool,tooaccomplished,todosomethingliketakingnotesinyourphoneofgoodfoodplaces.I’dneverhaveguessedthat.”
“There’salotyoudon’tknowaboutme,Kelsey.That’sjustonething.”
“Apparently.Whatelseareyouhiding?”
“You’llsee,”heanswers.
“Doesthishaveanythingtodowithwherewe’regoing?”
“Yup.”Hewiggleshisbrowsandtakesanotherbite.“Andwhenyoucompareournightsout,Idon’tthinkthemaincourseshouldbetakenintoconsideration.Wehadashitdinnerbecauseofyou.”
Ichuckle.“That’sfair,themaincoursewasonme.Butthisdessert,Idon’tknow.NotsureifitbeatsthesundaeatGhirardelli.”
“Fuckoff,iteasilydoes.”
Thatmakesmelaughhard.“Protectivemuch?”
“Yes,becausetheysellthedamnproductsinthestoresoyoucanmakeyourownGhirardellisundaeathome—”
“Theydon’tselltheatmosphere,though,andthatmakesittastebetter.”
“Youmakenosense,”JPinformsme,andIlaughsomemore.Hepointshisforkatthecake.“Now,asforthiscake,youcantrytomakeit,butIguarantee,itwon’ttasteanythinglikethis,evenifyouaskfortherecipe.Theyactuallyhavearecipebookyoucanbuy.Butitstillwon’ttastethesame.Thiscaketakesyearstorefine,andthat,youneedtoappreciate.”
“Butwe’reeatingitinthebackofaTesla.Notsureabouttheambiance.”
Hescowlsatme.“Ifanything,youshouldappreciatetheatmospheremorebecausewe’reeatinginanelectriccar,drivingaroundlikegoddamnearthliberators.Ifyou’rereallylucky,I’llgiveyouthisboxwhenwe’redonesoyoucanrecycleit.”
“Wow,youreallyknowthekeytoawoman’sheart.”
“See…better.Youevenadmitityourself—I’munlockingyourheart.”
Irollmyeyes.“Iwasbeingsarcastic.”
“AndIchoosenottotakeitthatway.”Hesmirks.
“Doyoualwayshavetoberight?”
“Yes.Gladyou’refinallyseeingthat.”
Iopenmywaterandsay,“Doesthisplacewe’regoingtohavealcohol?BecauseI’llneeditifI’mstickingaroundwithyoufortherestofthenight.”
“There’salcohol.Trustme,Iwouldn’tleavemyselfstrandedandalonewithyouwithoutit.”
Mylipsflattenandhechuckles.“You’resuchanass,”Igrumble.
“Iknow,babe.”Hewinks.“Butadmitit,youlikeit.”
“Idon’t.”
Hetipsmychinupwithhisfingerandwhispers,“Liar.”
Eh…heverywellmightberightabouteverything,becauseeventhoughhedoesdrivemenuts,Isortoflikeit.Ifallinlinewithhisteasingand…OhGod…amIstartingtocraveit?
No,thatcouldn’tpossiblybetrue,right?
Hedipshisforkintothecakeandtakesanotherbite,hiseyesonmetheentiretime.
Huh…maybeIam.
***
“Whatareyoudoing?”JPasks,tuggingmyarm.
“SendingmysisterapinlocationofwhereIam.”
“Whythehellwouldyoudothat?”
Istuffmyphoneinmypurseandpauseonthedarksidewalk.WeatehalfofthecakeinthecarandIhonestlycould’vekeptgoing.Ididn’tthinkitwouldsettlewellinmybellyifIatemorecakeandthenhadalcoholrightafter.Notagoodthingatall.So,IcontrolledmyselfandfocusedonmyconversationwithJP,tellinghimallaboutwhereI’dseenmybusinessgoingwhenIfirststarted.
Hesatthereandlistenedtheentiretime,occasionallybrushinghishandagainstmyleg.Icouldn’tfigureoutifhewasdoingitonpurposeorifitwasbecausehewasstillsittinginthemiddleseatwhenweweredonewiththecake.Eitherway,everylightpass,everysmalltouch,waslikeanemberstartingtoflameandburnharder,stronger.
“WhywouldIsendapintomysister?Uh,haveyoulookedaroundus?I’minadarkalleywaywheretherearenolightson,andI’mwithaman.”
“Amanyouknow.”
“ButdoIknowyou,JP?”
“EnoughthatyoushouldbeconsciousofthefactthatI’dprotectyouover…whateverthehellisplayinginyourhead.”
Armscrossed,Ijutoutahipandsay,“Okay,ifsomeonecameuptousrightnowandsaidtheyweregoingtotakemeawaytotheirlair,whatwouldyoudo?”
“Whatkindoffucked-upfairytaleareyoulivingin?”
“Justanswerthequestion.”
“Jesus.”Hedragsahandoverhisface.“I’dtellhimtogetthefuckaway,andifhedidn’t,I’dprobablyintroducehimtothetenyearsofboxinglessonsI’vebeentaking.”
Dearheavens,heboxes?That’shot.
Myeyesgotohischest.Hmm,thatwouldexplainsomeofthoserippedmuscles
“Isthatsatisfactorytoyou?”heasks.
“Ibelieveso.”Iloopmyarmthroughhisandleaninclose.“Now,wherethehellarewegoing?”
“Overhere.”Heleadsmedownanalleywaytoametaldoor.Herapsonthemetalandafteramoment,itopens.Alarge,burlymanwithacurlymustachestepsintothealleywaywithus.
Heliftsaclipboardtohisfaceandasks,“Name?”
“JonahCane,”JPanswers.JonahCane.Ilikethat,too.EspeciallysinceIfeellikeI’mseeinghimasJonahrightnow,nothisCaneEnterprisespersonaofJP.
Thebouncermakesascratchingmarkonhisclipboardandopensthedoorforus.
“Downthehallway,firstdoorontheright.Waittobeseated.”
Weheaddownthehall,andIquietlyask,“Doyouoftenuseyourfirstname?”
“Sometimes,”hesays.
“DoyoulikeitifpeoplecallyouJonah?”
Heglancesdownatme.Hiseyesfallbrieflytomylipsbutthentearawayandfocusonthedimlylithallwayinfrontofus.
“Isthereananswertothat?”Iaskaswereachthedoorontheright.Hedoesn’tanswer,butinsteadknocksonthedoor,andthistime,whenthedooropens,acacophonyofconversationsandsoftmusicfiltersoutintothehallway.
“Cane?”theattendantasks.
“Yup,”JPanswers.
“Rightthisway.”
Clutchingtightertohim,Iaskjustaboveawhisper,“Didyoutakemetoasexclub?”
Hechucklesbutdoesn’tanswer.
Theroomisfilledwithpeople,everytableisoccupied,everyonewithdrinksintheirhands,theirfaceslitupbyasimple,shorttablelampinfrontofthem.Thewallsarecoveredinredvelvet,theceilingsprinkledwithbulblights,andthere’saraisedstageattheveryendoftheroom,coveredinthesamelavishredvelvetandold-timelightsthatlinethebottomofthestage.
Whatonearthisthisplace?
Thehostess—I’massumingthat’swhosheis—walksustotheonlyemptytableintheroom.Rightatthefront.“Hilarywillbeheremomentarilytotakeyourdrinkorders.”
“Thankyou,”JPsays.Hepullsmychairoutforme,takesmyhandinhis,andhelpsmeasItakeaseat.Thenheslideshischairrightnexttomine.Talkingquietlyinmyear,heasks,“Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”
“Uh…notsure,”Iansweraschillsfromhissoftvoicecoverthebackofmyneck.
“Wine?”heasks,hislipsdangerouslyclosetomyear.“Orsomethingstronger?”
“What,uh,whatareyougetting?”Iask.
“Scotch.”
“Niceorder,alittlestrongforme,soaglassofcabwouldbefine.”
Hilaryarrivesjustattherighttimeandtakesourorderbeforesettingabowloftrailmixinfrontofus.Iglancearoundtheroom.Thepeopleattheothertablesareallquietlytalkingtothemselves,andIhonestlycan’ttellwhat’sgoingtohappenonthatstage.
IleanintowardJPandask,“Seriously,wherearewe?”WhenIturnmyhead,ournosesnearlytouchasIwhisper,“Isthisasexden?”
Hechuckles.“Wouldyoubemadifitwas?”
WouldIbemad?Ihonestlydon’tknow.
“Itwouldbedifferent.I’veneverbeentoone.Isthatwhatthisis?Isthatwhatyouliketodoindifferentclubs,gotodifferentsexdens?Imean,theredvelvetsaysitall.OhGod,andwehavefront-rowseats.We’llseethings.”
Hechucklesanddrapeshisarmoverthebackofmychair,casuallycrossinghisankleoverhisknee.“Wouldyouliketoseethings?”
“I’llbehonest.WhenyousuggestedIwasinnocent,I’dhavetosay,thisisexposingsomeinnocence,becauseIreallyhaveneverdoneanythinglikethisbefore.AndIamnervous.Aretheygoingtohavesex?Like,stripdowninfrontofus?OhGod,amIgoingtobeturnedon?Areyou?”Myeyesflashtohis,whicharetrulysmiling.“Doyougetbonershere?”
Leaninginclose,hepresseshismouthtomyearandsays,“Thisisn’tasexden,Kelsey.Norasexclub,oranythingtodowithsex.So,restthatlittleinnocentheartofyours.”
Hilarydropsoffourdrinks,offersusawink,andsays,“Enjoytheshow.”
“Theshow?”Iask,sofreakingconfused.
JPliftshistumblerofScotchandtakesasip,andthenturnshisattentiontothestageasthecurtainopensandthecrowderuptsintoloudcheers.
“Ladiesandgentlemen,”avoicesaysovertheloudspeaker.“Pleasestayseated,holleratyourownwill,andbringyourhandstogetherfortheincomparable,themagnificent,thehottestassthissideofSanFrancisco.”Moreuproariouscheers.“Mrs.FrisbeeLane.”
FrisbeeLane?
Isthisacomedyshow?
Aone-personmonologue?
A—
Mythoughtscutoffthemomentaverytall,verybeautifulhumanstrutsoutontothestage,dressedinfulldrag,withawigthatrivalsMarieAntoinette,anassbiggerthanaKardashian’s,andnailslongerthanmyhand.
“Goodevening,mybeautifulbabies,”shesaysintoamicrophone.
“OhmyGod,”IsayquietlywithgleeasIturntowardJP.“Didyoubringmetoadragshow?”
Hejustsmirksandsitsback.
“Wehavequitetheeveningplannedforyoutonight.Butbeforewegetstarted,somequickreminders.Letthelip-synchingbehandledbytheprofessionals,pleaserefrainfrombringingdownthemorale—youknowusbitcheslovethedrama,butnotwhenwe’reperforming—andofcourse,asalways,tipsareappreciated.”Shepressesherhandtoherchest.“I’llbeyouremceetonight,Mrs.FrisbeeLane.Ifyou’reinterestedintossingyourfrisbeedownmylaneaftertheshow,mybartenderswilltakeyournumber,andI’llcallyoulater,darling.”Morehootsandhollers.“Nowlet’sgetthisnightstartedwithaclubfavorite.PutyourhandstogetherforWinterLips.”
Thelightsdim,andIcan’thelpit,IplacemyhandonJP’slegandsay,“Ican’tbelieveyoubroughtmetoadragshow.Thisis…thisissofreakingamazing.”
Fromhispocket,hepullsoutawadofcashandholdsitinfrontofme.“Haveatit,babe.Tipwell.”
Andonceagain…myheartskipsabeat.
***
“I’msojealousofFifiHeart’scleavage,”IsayasJPopensthewaitingcardoorforme.BeforeIgetin,Iturntohimandpressmyboobstogether.“HowdoIgetthatkindoflift?”
“Youhaveplentyoflift.Now,getyourassinthecar.”
“NotlikeFifi,”IgroanasItakeaseatinthecarandbuckleup.“Yousawit,hercleavagewaskissingherchin.”
JPshutsthedoorbehindhimandbucklesup,aswell.“You’reperfectjustasyouare,Kelsey,”hesaysasheleanshisheadbackandcloseshiseyes.
“Areyoufallingasleeponme?”Ipokehiminthearm.“Youcan’tfallasleep.”
Heturnshisheadandsmirks.“Justtakingasecond.Canyoustopjabberingforahotminute?”
“Well,excusemeifIjustborewitnesstooneofthegreatestshowsofmyentirelife.I’mstillreeling.”
“Greatest,huh?”
InodandtwistmybodysoI’mfacinghim.“JP,thatwassomuchfun.AndIneverthoughtslidingmoneyinbetweenfakebreastscouldbesomuchfun,but,God,Ifeellikeanewwoman.”
“I’mgladyouenjoyedit.”
“Ididn’tjustenjoyit,”Isayseriously,pullinghisattention.“IhonestlythinkthatwasthemostfunI’vehadinawhile.”
Andthat’sthetruth.
Theminutetheshowstarted,Iwasintoit.I’veneverbeentoadragshowbefore,butI’mafirmbelieverinnotmissingoneepisodeofRuPaul’sDragRace,soIknewwhattoexpectgoingin.Lordhelpme,Ididn’tthinkitwasgoingtobethatamazing.Anditwasn’tjusttheshow,itwasJP,too.Hewassorelaxed,so…present.Hewasn’tsarcastic.Hewasjust…smilingandhavingagreattime,whilemakingsureIwastakencareof.Hisarmneveroncestrayedfrommychair,andatonepoint,IfelthimplayingwiththeendsofmyhairasLuLuLemonslip-synchedtoIWillAlwaysLoveYou
“Good.Youdeserveit,”hesaysashelooksaway.
Ihavethisweirdurgetotakehishandinmine,tocurlagainsthissideandbreatheinthismanthatfeelsnew,butalso…thesame.Buteventhoughtheurgeisstrong,Iknowit’snotwhatIshoulddo.Imean,it’sdefinitelynotwhatIshoulddo.Ineedtoremindmyselfwhattonightisallabout—JPprovingtomethathischoicesinactivitiesarebetterthanmine.
IcanadmitwhenI’vebeendefeated.
Andthisnightblewmeaway.
“Thankyoufortonight,JP.”
Stillwithhiseyesshut,hesays,“It’snotoveryet.”
“It’snot?”Iask,surprised.
Heshakeshishead.“Nope,justsitbackandrelax.We’llarriveatourfinaldestinationshortly.”
***
Lamppostslinethewood-plankedpierallthewaytowhereitendsinthemiddleoftheBay.Thedeeprichnessofthemidnightskyloomsoverusasdistantlightsfromthecitytwinklebehindus.Acoolbreezeliftsoffthewateraswewalkslowlydownthelongstretchofboardwalk,thegentlesoundofwaterlappingattheBay’sedgeasoursoundtrack.Dottedwithonlyafewpeople,JPandIarealmostcompletelyalone.
“Ididn’tthinkyouwereatouristyperson,”Isayinaweaswewalk.“Wouldn’tthisclassifyasatouristyspot?”
“Pier39,yes.Pier7,notsomuch.Youlearnthatquicklywhenyoustayhereformorethanafewdays.”
“Whendidyoustartcomingouthere?”
“Iwasoftentoowiredwhenmybrotherswenttobed,soI’dgoout.TheyassumedIwashittingthebars,orattemptingtohookupwithsomeoneforthenight,butIcamedownhere,walkedtotheendofthepier,andjuststaredoutintothedarkwater.”
“Whatwouldyouthinkabout?”Iask.
“Anything.Everything.Whateverwasonmymindatthemoment.”
“Sowhydidyoubringmehere?”Iaskaswecontinuemakingourwaydownthelongstretch.“Youdon’thaveanythingtothinkon,doyou?”
“There’salwayssomethingtothinkabout,andIfiguredyoumightlikeithere.Ifyouevercomeback,thiscouldbeyourthinkingspot,too.”
“Ilikethatalot,”IsayasIgentlybumpmyshoulderagainsthis.
Hesmilesandbringshisarmaroundmyshoulder,pullingmeintohissideaswewalk.
“Thismightbethebestplacetocomeafteralongdayoforganizing.Stopbythebakery,getoneofthosehoneycakes,snapapictureofitandgloat,thencomehereandeatitalongsidetheBay.”
“Carefulofthebirds,they’reruthlessduringtheday.”
“Goodpoint.”
“YouknowhowIknowthat?”heasks.
“Pleasetellmeit’sbyexperience.”
Henods.“Itwasalonggoddamndayintheconferenceroomwithmybrothers,Ineededsomeair,soIgrabbedsomeThaifoodtogo,broughtitdownhere,andstartedeating.Itwasslowatfirst.Arandombirdhere,aseagullthere.Iflailedabit,tryingtoscarethemaway,butthentheystartedtalking…chirpingtoeachother.Saying,‘Hey,there’sanunsuspectingidiotoverthereattheendofthepier—’”
“WhydotheyhaveaBrooklynaccent?”
“Thesebirdshavebeenplaces.”Thatmakesmelaugh,andhecontinues,“Ididn’tthinkmuchofitatfirst,whenanotherbirdlandedinfrontofme.Oneofftotheside,thenonebehindme.Theyswarmed,theirnumbersoutweighingmylimbs,andtheygrewcloserandcloseruntilonebravesoulpeckedmeontheleg.”
“No,itdidn’t.”
“Itfuckingdid.Rightontheshin.Iyelledatit,obviously,bentdowntocheckonmyshin,andthat’swhentheyconverged.”
“Theyusedadecoybirdonyou.”
“Precisely.Iwasalostman,hadnodefense.Thebirdsattacked.Featherswereeverywhere.Beakswereknockingtogether,andtherewasnothingIcoulddootherthantossmyto-goboxoffoodasfarfrommeasIcouldandholdonfordearlifeuntiltheyleftmeashakingshellofamanontheboardwalk.”
Chucklingsohard,Ifeeltearsundermyeyes,Isay,“OhmyGod,youwerealmostpeckedtodeath.”
“Thatwasn’teventheworstpart.”
“Whatwastheworstpart?”
“WhenIwasscreamingatthem,beggingthemtoleavemealone,oneofthempooped.”
“Gah,youwerepoopedon?Theytookyourfoodandthendidadoo-dooonyou?Howisthatfair?”
“It’snot,but,withalloftheflappingandflailing,thepoopsomehowflippedinmydirectionandlandedonmyface.”
Igaspandcovermymouth.“OhmyGod,no,itdidn’t.”
“Itdid.Birdshitlandedonmyface.Needlesstosay,myalreadyshittyday—nopunintended—becameanevenshittierone.”
“I’msurprisedyoucamebackhereafterthat.”
“Wasn’tthepier’sfault,”hesays.“ItwasminefornaivelythinkingIcouldeatamealinaplacewheretouristshavenoconceptofnotfeedingthewildlife,becausethemoreyoufeedthem,themoreaggressivetheybecome.Alessonwaslearned,andwheneverIcomeherenow,it’susuallyjustmeandmythoughts.Well…nowyou.”
Wereachtheendofthepier.Iwalkuptotherailingandleanagainstit,gazingatthewavesandtheexpanseofdarkness.Thebreezepicksup,achillrushesthroughme,andbeforeIcancrossmyarmsforaddedwarmth,JPplaceshisleatherjacketonmyback.Iglanceovermyshoulderandfindhiminhisthin,long-sleevedT-shirt.“JP,Idon’twantyoutobecold.”
“I’mgood,don’tworryaboutme,”hesaysbeforecomingupbehindme,puttinghisarmsoneithersideofmeonthefence,andleaninghischestagainstmyback.I’mpinnedagainsttherail.Foramoment,I’mstiff,unsurewhattodo,butwhenthewarmthhitsme,Ieaseintothehold.
“How’syourmom?Stillenjoyingbeingalonewithherman,Jeff,intheirhouse?”
Ichuckle.“Yes.”LottiewaslivingwiththemandoneofthemainreasonsshestruckupadealwithHuxleyinthefirstplacewastogiveourmomandJeffsomeprivacyaftermanyyearsofdealingwithusgirls.JeffandourmomhavebeentomanydinnersandoutdoorpartiesatLottieandHuxley’shouse,andJPandBreakerknowthembynow.“They’relovingit.Currently,they’rebuildingapergolaandfightingoverwhatcolortopaintit.”
JPrestshischinonmyshoulder,thescruffofhischeekpressingagainstmine.
Callmecrazy,butthisdoesn’tseemveryshort-termcompanionship-like,thisfeelslikemore,andmyromanticheartistryingtomakesomethingofit,whilemybrainistellingitno,no,no,no.
“Whatcolordoesyourmomwanttopaintit?”
“Black,”Ianswer,leaningmoreagainsthischest.“Shewantstogowiththetrends.Andofcourse,Jeff,thetraditionalist,wantstostainit,becausetohim,paintingwoodisanabsolutesin.”
“Whodoyouthinkisgoingtowin?”
“Mymom,ofcourse.Shealwayswins.I’msureshe’lllethimwininanotherway,though.Maybewithsomepottedplanttodecoratethearea.”
“That’sright,he’sanavidgardener.Maybehe’sputtingupabigfightaboutthecolor,thenintentionallylettingherwinsoshe’llallowhimtopicktheplants.”
“Ooo,Ineverthoughtofitthatway.KnowingJeff,Icouldseehimdoingthat.”
“Whenthepergolaisdone,aretheygoingtohaveyouovertotestitout?”
“I’msuretheywill.Although,we’vebeenspendingmoretimeasafamilyatHuxleyandLottie’s.MomwantstohostabridalshowerforLottieintheirbackyard.Beinghermaidofhonorandall,I’llhelpmakethathappen.Hey,areyouthebestman?”
“BreakerandIaresharingtheresponsibility,”heanswers.“ButsinceI’molderIgettowalkdowntheaislewiththemaidofhonor.Luckyyou.”
“Oh,yes,luckyme.I’msureyouwillmakesomeinappropriatecomments.”
“Wouldn’tberightifIdidn’t.”Hesighsandthensays,“I’mhappyforHuxley,though,despitehowtheirrelationshipcameabout.Sincehe’stheoldest,Ifeellikehe’salwayscarriedtheburdenofmakingsurewe’realltakencareof.Whenwedecidedtoinvestmoneyintoabusinessofourown,hesatusdownandsaidhewassettingusupforthefuture,whichhedid.Financially,BreakerandIarebothset.Wedon’thavetoworry.”
“Butwhenitcomestohappiness?”Iask.
“Stillfiguringthatout.”Hestraightensupandsays,“I’msureyouhavesomeearlymorningmeetings.Ishouldgetyoubacktothepenthouse.”
“Unfortunately,Ido.”
Iturntofacehimandjustcatchthewayhisfacealmostfallsindisappointment.Butheputshisarmaroundmyshouldersagain,andtogether,wewalkbackupthepier.
“Thankyou,again,fortonight.Ihadalotoffun.”
“Idid,too,”hesays.
“Iwaskindofafraidwhenweweretoldtocomeupherethatitwouldbeawkwardandweird.Itwasatfirst,buttheselasttwodayshavebeenreallygreat.JustwhatIneeded.”
“Yeah,aboutthat,”hesaysjustashisphoneringsinhispocket.Groaning,hetakesitout,andIseeHuxley’snameflashacrossitbeforehesilencesthephonecall.Butit’sonlysecondsbeforeHuxleyringsagain.
“Mustbeimportant,”Isay.“Goahead,answerit.I’llmeetyouinthecar.”
“Yousure?”heasks.
“Yeah.It’sfine.”Igototakeoffhisjacketbutheholdshishandup.
“Keepit.I’mfine.”Andthenheturnsawayandbringsthephonetohisear.“What?”heanswersinanannoyedtone.
AsIwalktowardthecar,Ihearadistant“Fuck”slipoutofhismouthandmystomachimmediatelychurnswithworry.
Ittakeshimabouttenminutesbeforehejoinsmeinthewarmcar,andwhenhesitsdown,Icantellthegoodmoodhewasinisgoneashemoveshishandoverhisjaw.I’mafraidtoask,butIknowifIdon’tatleastcheckwithhim,I’llregretit.
“Everythingokay?”
“Yeah,”hesaysthroughclenchedteeth.“JustsomebullshitstuffIhavetodealwithtomorrow.”
“AnythingIcanhelpwith?”Iask.
Heshakeshisheadandlooksoutthewindow.“Nah,nothingyoucandealwith.”
Andthen,that’sit.
Heshutsdown.
WhatoncewasaperfecteveningquicklyvanishesandIdon’tknowwhattodo.Whattosay.Orhowtohelphim.Therefore,wedrivetherestofthewayinsilence.Andwhenwegettothepenthouse,Ihandhimhisjacketandhetellsmetohaveagoodnight.EventhoughJPwasfunandmostlyeasygoingtonight,I’msadwithhowitended.I’msadheshutdownonme,becausedespitewhathe’ssaidaboutfriendshipbetweenmenandwomen,Ifeltasthoughheletmeinashisfriendtonight.Andthen,thatsimply…vanishedChapterFourteen
JP
Iwasgoingtokissherlastnight.
TherewasnodoubtinmymindthatIwasgoingtoeitherkissheronthepieroratthepenthouse.Itwasgoingtohappen,Iwasfuckingready,willing,andneedy.Butthen,Huxley’scallhappened.RegishadgonebehindmybacktoHuxley,sayingKelseyisn’texperiencedenoughfortheposition.Hebelievesweshouldn’thavefaithinherandthatweshouldhiresomeoneelse.Someoneonhisteam.Huxleytoldmetosetmyprojectstraight.
Ididn’tevenwantthisfuckingproject.
Iblewagoddamngasket,andeventhoughmyphonecallwithHuxleywasonlyshort,Itookamomentbeforegettingbackinthecar.Ididn’twanttoblowupinfrontofKelsey.AndbythetimeIgotbackinthecar,themomentwasover.
AndfuckwasIinabadmoodaboutitlastnight.Insteadofgoingtobed,Iputonsomeworkoutclothesandwentforarun.WhenIgotback,Ithoughtaboutcheckingonher,butbythen,itwaspastmidnightandIknewshe’dbeasleep.
WhatIwould’vegiventotellherhowI’vebeenfeelingabouther,because,ifanything,lastnightconfirmedsomethingforme.ThenightwasperfectbecauseIspentitwithKelsey.Ilovedhearinghermoansofpleasure,herutterdelightinthedragshow,herobviousloveofthebeautythatisSanFranciscoBay,andherclearenjoymentofbeingwithme,too.So,Iwasabouttotellhereverything.
Huxleyhastheworsttimingever.
IwishIwasn’tthatpersonwholetsmallthingsaffectmymood,IwishIcouldjustletthemrolloffmeandenjoythemoment,butthat’snotme.It’swhyIwokeupthismorning,readytomakeituptoher.Ihadsomebagelsdelivered,puttogetherafruitplatter,andspentsometimemakingbaconandeggs.
Thelasttwodayshavebeendifferent,andIfeltwe’veconnectedonanotherlevel.Ihopeshe’sseenadifferentsideofme,asidethatappealstoher.Iknowshefindsmeattractive—andIdon’tsaythatinaconceitedway.Iseethewayshelooksatme,butasshe’sproven,attractiondoesn’tmeaneverythingtoher.Shewantsapartnerinthislife,andunlessIshowherIcanbethatkindofmanforher,I’mnotsureshe’llevergivemeachance.
ButI’mthere.Icanfeelit.Lastnight,thenightbefore…Icanbethemansheneeds,andthismorning,Iplanondrivingthathome.TheMayor’sBallistonightandmyplanistospoilherwithatriptofindadress,togetherhairandmakeupdone,tomaketheentirenightspecial,andwhenthemomentisright,I’mgoingtoaskherout.I’mgoingtoaskhertogivemeachance.I’mfuckingnervousasshit,butIknowifIdon’taskher,I’llregretit.
I’minthemiddleofconstructingthebreakfastsandwicheswhenshecomesintothelivingroomwearingapairoftightblackpantsandamaroontanktop.Fuck,she’ssopretty,soprettyit’spainful.Whenshespotsmeinthekitchenagain,shepausesandadjuststheearringshe’stryingtoputin.
“Morning,”Isaytoher,myheartpoundingamileaminute.
Shesmiles.“Goodmorning.Didyoumakemebreakfastagain?”
“Idid.”Pridebeamsthroughme.“Howdoyoufeelaboutbreakfastsandwiches?”
“Ifeelverypositiveaboutthem.”Shewalksuptome,herperfumecreatingagoddamnvise-likegriparoundmychest,constrictingit.“Areyoufeelingbetterfromlastnight?”
“Yeah.”Ireachoutandtakeherhandinmine.Sosoft,soperfectformine.“SorryaboutthewayIreacted.HuxleytoldmesomebullshitthatIhavetodealwithtonightanditputmeinabadmood.Ishouldn’thaverespondedthatway,especiallysincewewerehavingsuchagoodtime.”
“What’stonight—oh,youhavetogotothatmayor’sballthing,right?”
“Yeah,Ido.FancyeventwithabunchofpeopleIhavetotalkto.”Ipressourpalmstogether.“But,Iwasthinking—”
“Doyouknowwhatyou’rewearing?”sheasks.“Aballgown,Ihope.”Shewigglesherbrows,causingmetochuckle.
“Yeah,it’sbeingdry-cleanedaswespeak.Ipickitupatnoon.”
“YoumustshowmepictureswhenIgetbackfrommydate,”shesaysasshereleasesmyhandandwalksovertothecoffeemaker,grabbingherselfamug.
Icanfeelallthecolorcompletelydrainoutofmyface,leavingmeashen,anguished…shook.
Date…
Fuck,shehasthatdatesetupwithDaveToney’sbrother.Icompletelyforgotaboutit.Afterthetwonightswespenttogether,isshestillgoingonthat?Hell,apartofmethoughtthatmaybeshewouldn’t.Thatmaybeshe’dsethimaside,givemeachance.
Evidently,thatwasastupidassumption.Whatdoyouthink,dickhead?You’retheonewhohaspushedthatyourtimetogetherissimplyashort-termcompanionship.Shewantslong-termlove.Fuck.
Igripthebackofmyneck,thisnewemotionbubblingupinsideme,piercingmychest,constrictingmylungs.
“Still,uh,stillgoingonthatdate?”Istammerout,mymindwhirling.
Oblivioustothemultitudeofemotionsracingthroughme,shestartshercoffeepodandturnstowardme,herhandsonthecounter.“Yes,andI’mnervous.WhatshouldIwear?”
OneofthosehideouspeasantdressesfromTarget.
Fuck!
Don’twearanything,insteadstayherewithme.
Cancelthedate.
Seeme…Kelsey.
Fuckingseeme.
Buttheconfessionislostonmyinsecuretongue,andinsteadofvoicingwhatIreallywanttotellher,Iturnawayandmumble,“Whatyou’rewearingisfine.”
WhydidIthinkshewasn’tgoingtogoonthatdate?Maybebecausethelasttwonights,thingshavealmostfeltlike…we’vebeenondates.Yeah,Itoldhertheyweretimespentwithhershort-termcompanion,butIstillthoughtmaybeshefeltsomething,aconnection.
LastnightIwantedtoshowheragoodtime,Iwantedtoshowherthatwecouldhavefuntogether,notjustbicker.IwantedtoshowherIcouldbesomeoneshecoulddependon.Someonewhofulfillswhatshe’slookingfor.
Thelighttouches.
Theinterestingconversation.
Theself-deprecatingstories.
Ifuckingtriedlastnight,untilHuxleycalled.
FuckingHuxley.Inevershould’veansweredthephone.
“Ican’twearthisonadate,”KelseysaysasifIsuggestedthemostpreposterousthingever.“It’sbusinessattire.”
“Aren’tdateslikebusinessatfirst,though?”IaskasIfinishstackingherplatewithfood.Idon’tbothertakingitovertothetable,butleaveitonthecounterforherandheadtothetablewithmyplate.
“Uh,theyaren’tforme.Notsurehowyoutreatadate,butthey’resupposedtobefunandexciting,aseparatepartofyourday,somethingtolookforwardto.IfIwearthisoutfit,I’lljustberemindedofwork.Plus,Ilikewearingdressesondates.”
Shedidn’twearadresswhenwewentout.
Becauseitwasn’tafuckingdate,youidiot.
Could’vebeen,ifyouwereabletoactuallytellherhowyoufeel.
“Idon’twanttobetoofancy,though,”shecontinues,reallydrivingwhatfeelslikeaknifeintomyback.IknowIhavenorighttofeelthisway,butIcan’tcontrolit.AllIcanthinkaboutishowthisgirl,whomI’vecrushedonforabitnow,isgoingoutwithsomeoneelseafterI’veattemptedtoshowherhowIcouldbesomeoneshemightlike.“Getthis,you’regoingtolaugh.”Doubtful.“He’stakingmetotheCrabHouse.Canyoubelievethat?”
Yes,Ican.
Becausetheguyseemslikeadouche.
Becausehe’snotme.
Becausehedoesn’tfuckingknowyouasIdo.
Hedoesn’tknowthatyouneedsomeonetopushyououtofyourcomfortzone.Hedoesn’tknowthatyou’resomeonewhowouldenjoysomethinglikeadragshowbutwouldnevergoyourself.Hedoesn’tknowthatyou’dappreciateaquietwalkalonganemptyboardwalkwhereyoucanappreciatethesmallthingslikeastarryskyandthesoundofyourfeettappingalongtheoldwood.
“ButunlikewhenyouandIhaddinnerthere,Ican’tpossiblyorderawholecrab,snapthelegoffinfrontofhim,andwearabib.”
“Whythehellnot?”Iask.
“Because,withyou,itdidn’tmatter.Iwasn’ttryingtoimpressyou.Idon’twantDerekthinkingI’msomepsychowholikesmutilatingseacreatures.Imean,I’mnot,butlet’sbehonest,Iwassortofputtingonashowwhenitcametosnappingthoselegs.Iwantedtostartleyou.”
Missionaccomplished,butIalsofounditendearing.Ilikedit.
“IthinkImightjustgetasalad,”shecontinues.
“That’sbullshit,”Isayundermybreath.
“What?”sheasksasshegrabsherfreshcoffee,putsadabofmilkandsomesugarinit,andthenbringsherplateandmugtothetabletojoinme.
“Isaid,that’sbullshit.”MytonehasanedgetoitnowandIcanseefromthewayshesitsback,eyesonme,thatshenoticedaswell.
“Wait,areyoumad?”
Yes.
Irritated,aswell.
Also,jealous.
Reallyfuckingjealous.
“Justdon’ttrytobesomeoneyou’renot,isall.”Nousestartingafightwithher.
“I’mnot,”shesays,mildlyinsulted.
“Youareifyoudon’tgetacrab.”
“Ilikesaladstoo,youknow?”
“Thenwhydidn’tyougetasaladwhenwewenttotheCrabHouse?”
“BecauseI’mmorecomfortablearoundyou,”sheshootsback,andthatconfessionnearlybringsasmiletomyface,onlyforittobewipedawayasshesays,“Idon’texpectyoutounderstandthissinceyoudon’tdaredatepeople.Youonlytest-runthemtomakesurethey’regoodenoughforyourbed.”
Ouch.
Andthereitis,thewayshetrulyseesme.
“Isthatwhatyoureallythink?”Iask.
“You’vehadonegirlfriend,JP.”
“Becausenoonehasbeeninterestingenoughformetoconsidergoinganyfurtherthanafewdates.IwasjuststartingtogettoknowGenesisbeforethegala,butwehadn’tslepttogether.Hasn’tanyoneevertoldyouqualityversusquantity,Kelsey?”Istandfrommychair,pickupmyplateandcoffee,andwalkaway.IfIdon’tnow,I’llsaysomethingI’llregret.
“JP,wait.Ididn’tmeantoinsultyou.”
“It’sfine,Kelsey,”Icallout.“Haveagooddate.”IclosemydoorbehindmeandthenslowlyslidedownituntilI’msittingonthefloor.Isetmyplateandmugdownandthengripmyhairinmyhands,painrippingthroughme.
Fuck.IshouldjustgotellherhowIfeel.Ishouldtearthroughthisdoor,disruptherbreakfast,andaskhertonotgoonthedate,buttogototheMayor’sBallwithmeinstead.
ButIdidalreadyaskher…andshechosethedate.Idon’tthinkshe’lleverseemeassomeoneshewantstoknowbetter.
I’mtheguywhofucksaround,notthesettlingtype.Andthat’safuckingpainfulrealization.
BeforeImetKelsey,shewasn’twrong.AsIsaidtoher,though,Ihaven’tfoundsomeoneIthoughtIwantedtospendmorethananightorthreewith.Therehasn’tbeenanintellectual,physical,oremotionalconnection.UnlikewithKelsey,whereIfeelallthree.EventhoughIteaseher,purposefullyaggravateher—becauseshe’sfuntofluster—Idorespecther.AndIwantmore.IdoseeherassomeoneI’dconsidersettlingdownwith.
I’veneverhadtotryhardtogetawomantowantme.AndthefirsttimeIdo,I’mrejected.
CanIchangehermind?Orisitalostcause?
***
“Areyouthere?”HuxleyasksasIsitinmycar,staringoutthewindow,listeningtohisannoyingvoicethroughthephone.
“Yes,I’mhere,”Ianswerthroughaclenchedjaw.
“Whydoyousoundshort?”
“Oh,Idon’tknow,maybebecauseI’minagoddamntuxedoatthisstupidMayor’sBall,whereIhavetonotonlyspeakwithRegisabouthisstupidbullshit,butalsosuckuptothemayor.”
“Thisistoexpandthebusiness,JP.”
“Don’tyouthinkwe’veexpandedenough?JesusChrist,Huxley,wecanbarelykeepupwitheverythingwehavegoingon.You’regettingmarried,andyou’regoingtostartafamily.Doyoureallythinkstartingmoreprojectsisasmartidea?”
“Youthoughtitwasasmartideamonthsago,sowhyamIhearingdifferentlynow?”
“Iactuallydidn’tsayanythinginthatmeeting,ifyou’dpaidattention.Yourattledonaboutnewopportunities,Breakernoddedwithdollarsignsinhiseyes,whileIsatthere,wonderingwhythefuckweweregoingtostartsomethingnewwhenourplateswerealreadyfull.”
“Thenyoushould’vespokenup.We’renotmindreaders.”
“Ihavespokenup,”Ishoutintothephone,thebetterpartofmycoolcompletelygone.TheirritationandannoyanceofthismorningeruptinonesmoothpunchtoHuxley.“I’vesaidshittoyoubefore,butyouneverlisten.YouandBreakerneverfuckinglisten.SohereIam,sittinginmygoddamncar,waitingtogointothisballtohelpaccomplishyourdreams,notmine.”
“Forthecompany,JP.Notforme.Forthecompany.”
“Thecompanyisyou,andwe’rejustyourminionsalongfortheride.”
“Wherethefuckisallofthiscomingfrom?Didsomethinghappenupthere?”
“Ofcourse,that’swhatyou’dassume,thatsomethingwouldhappenthatwouldputmeinthismood,right?Itcan’tpossiblybehowIactuallyfeel.”
He’ssilentforasecondandthensays,“IthinkyouandIneedtohaveameeting.”
“Yeah,nofuckingthankyou,”Isaybeforehangingup.
Ipressmyfingerstomybrowandtakeadeep,calmingbreath.
Chill,man.
It’shardtochillwhenitfeelslikenothingisright.Absolutelynothing.
Idon’tfeelgoodinmyownskin,like…Idon’tbelonghere.HereIamchastisingKelseyfortryingtobesomeoneshe’snotwhenI’mdoingthesameexactthingasher.
“Areyoureadytogetout,sir?”mydriverasksme.
Forabriefmoment,IconsiderwhatwouldhappenifIdon’tgointhere.IfIdon’tfindRegisandputhiminhisplace.IfIdon’ttalktothemayorabout“our”plans.We’dhaveatoughertimewinningbidsonanymorehistoricbuildings.Butthat’snotthatbigofadealinmyopinion.ButwhataboutKelsey?WhatkindofuphillbattlewillshehaveifRegiscontinuestoundermineher?WhyshouldIcare?
Becauseyoudo.
Becauseyoucareabouther.
Despitethefactthatshe’sonadaterightnowwithanotherman,Istillcareabouther.
Andthat’sthereasonI’mopeningmycardoor,buttoningmytuxedojacket,andtemporarilywipingawaytheangerinthepitofmystomach,readytobeunleashed.
IletmydriverknowIwon’tbelong,thenstuffmyphoneinmypocketwhenIreachthefrontentrance.Noneedtohituptheredcarpet.I’mnotinterestedinthatshit,notwhenI’mfeelingsoresentful.Huxleywillbitchaboutitlater,sincehelikestohaveusshowourfacesateventslikethis,butifhewantsitdonehisway,thennexttime,hecango.
Islipthroughthedooraftergettingcheckedofftheguestlistandheadstraighttothemassivebaratthebackoftheballroom.Ibypassthename-cardtablesinceI’mnotstayingfordinner,don’tbothershakinghandswiththepeoplemillingabout,anddropmyhandontheedgeofthebarandordertwofingersofScotch.ThenIturnaroundandscanthecrowd.
Toanoutsider,aneventlikethiswouldseemsoglamourouswiththedesignerdressesandthewell-pressedsuits,buttome,it’sjustanothernightintheeliteworldIlivein.There’snothinggreatthathappensforhumankindattheseevents.Instead,handsareshaken,dealsaremade,andenemiesbecomefrenemiesforamomentintimeastheyfakeinterestedexpressionsforthepeoplearoundthem.
Thebenefitoftheseeventsisforthepeoplesolelyinthisroom,andnooneelse.Themayorisn’theretoformulatechange,he’sheretoshakehandswithpeoplewhocanhelpsecurehisvote.It’ssad,butthat’sthewaytheworldworks,unfortunately.
“JP,didn’tthinkI’dseeyoutonight,”Regissays,standingnexttomeatthebar.HeordersusbothaScotchandIlethim.“Wasn’tsureyouattendedtheseevents.”
Onlywhenforcedto.
Thankfully,Regisismakingthiseasyonme,andIdidn’thavetoseekhimout.
“Whenthemoodstrikesme,I’llputonatuxedo.”
Thebartenderhandseachofusourdrinks,andIslipatwenty-dollarbillintohistipjarbeforeturningbackaroundtofacethegathering.
Timetogetdowntobusiness.
“HeardyoucalledHuxley.”Isipmydrink.Ikeepmyeyesahead,makingsuretogiveoffthevibethatI’mnothappy.
“Idid,”Regissays,notevenbotheringtohidehisarrogance.“Ifeltlikethecallneededtobemade.”
Istickonehandinmypocket.“Why?”
“Ifeltlikeyouwerepreoccupiedwithotherthings,notseeingthedamageherideascouldhavetothebuilding.”
“AndwhatexactlywasIpreoccupiedwith?Because,asIrecall,Iwaspresentforthatentirefirstmeeting,andallIsawfromyouwasmisogynisticbehaviorthatwillnotbetolerated.”
Fromthecornerofmyeye,Iseehimshift,andthenhesays,“Youwerepreoccupiedwithher.Isawthewayyoustaredathermouth,gotlostinherwords,sidedwithherideas.”
Insecurityconstrictsmythroat.Isthatfuckingtrue?Idon’trecalllookingatheracertainwayorpayingattentiontohermore.Eitherway,it’snothisfuckingplacetomakethatkindofcall.
Beforeanswering,ItakeasipofmyScotchandthenturntowardhim.He’sstillfacingthecrowdandIspeakverycarefully,sohecanheareverythingclearly.
“Youmustbemistaken,Regis,becauseshe’sacolleague,nothingmore,andunlikesomeothermen,I’msuresomeonelikeyou,Ihavetheabilitytokeepmymindfocusedontheprojectandnotthewomanattemptingtousehervoice.Whatyoumighthaveseenasaffectionorone-sidednesstowardMissGardnerwasmerelytheabilitytolistenattentivelytoanintelligentwoman,awomanwho’sapartnerinourbusiness.”Istepalittlecloser.“Didyouhearthat?Apartner.DoyouknowwhatbeingapartnerwithCaneEnterprisesentails?”
Iwaitforhimtoanswer,butallhedoesisswallowbackhisdrink.
“Beingapartnermeanswe’vevettedyou.We’vemadesurethatnotonlyareyoucredible,butwehaveconfidenceinputtingournameonyourbrand.MissGardnerandherbusiness,SustainablyOrganized,isapartner.She’sfullytrustedbyallthreeoftheCanebrothers.We’veinvestedinhercompanytohelpourcompany,soanyproblemyoumighthavewithherisaproblemwithus.Doyouunderstandthat?”
Henods.
“AndwhenworkinginthefuturewithMissGardner,youwillnotonlylistentohersuggestions,butyouwillrespectthem.”
Henodsagain.
“Becauseifyoudon’trespectMissGardner,thenyourdaysworkingwithCaneEnterprisesarenumbered.”IgriphisshoulderandlightenmyvoiceasIsay,“Haveagoodevening,Regis.”
Asshole.
Howthefuckdidweendupworkingwithhim?
AsIgotomovepasthim,alargemaninanall-blacksuitwalksuptome.There’sanearpieceinhisleftear,andthere’snodoubtwhoheworksfor.“Mr.Cane,themayorwouldliketohaveaconversationwithyou.”
Perfect.ThesoonerIcantalktohim,thesoonerIcangetthehelloutofhere.
Theguardwalksmepastthemainballroomandthroughaseriesofhallsbeforeopeningarathergranddoortothemayor’soffice.
“He’llbewithyoushortly.”Thedoorclicksshutbehindme,andItakethatmomenttoobservetheroom.It’sthemayor’sprivateoffice.I’vebeeninhereonlyoneothertime.Iknowthere’sasecretdoorbehindoneofthebookshelves,andjustliketheOvalOffice,there’sadoorhiddenbytheseamsinthewallpaper,anentranceonlythemayoruses.
InthemiddleoftheroomisalargemahoganydeskthathasbeenusedbyeverymayorofSanFranciscoforthelastGod-knows-how-manyyears,butthepicturesonthecredenzabehindthedesk,thosearespecifictotheoneandonlyEugeneHerbert,thecurrentmayorofSanFrancisco.
ThesecretdoorslidesopenandEugenewalksthroughwithalargesmileonhisfaceandacigarinhand.
“JPCane,I’msogladyoucouldmakeit.”Eugenecomesuptomeandtakesmyhandinhis.
Iofferhimasolidshakeandsay,“Mr.Mayor,thankyoufortheinvite.It’salwaysnicetocatchupwitheveryone.”It’spainfulhowfakeI’mactingrightnow.
“YoucandropthatMr.Mayorcrap.”Helaughsandgesturestotheseatingarea.Itakeaseatinabrownleatherchairdirectlyacrossfromhim.Heleansovertothecoffeetableandopensasmallbox,offeringmeacigar.
Iholdupmyhand.“I’mgood.”
“NotsureI’veeverseenyousmoke,Cane.”HeflicksopenawoodenZippolighterandtakesafewpuffsofhiscigarbeforeit’slit.
“Notmything,”Isay.“Neverwasabletogetintoit.Coughtoomuch.”
Eugenesmilesandblowsapuffofsmokeintotheair.“Takessomestifflungstohandleagoodcigar.Although,Iseeyoucanhandleasoliddrink.What’sthat?Brandy?”
“Scotch,”Ianswer.“Mydrinkofchoiceasoflate.”
“Ah,how’sbusiness?”
“Good,”Ianswer.“Growing,asalways.”
“Iseethat.”Heleansforwardandknockshiscigaronanashtray.“MayIsuggestwhyyou’rehere?”
“Please,”Isay.
“WordonthestreetisyouacquiredtheAngelicaBuilding.”
“That’scorrect,”Ianswer,takinganothersipofmyScotch.
“Thatwasaverysought-afterbuilding,soIwassurprisedthatacompanybasedinLosAngeleswon,givenhowmanylocalcompanieswereafterit.”
“Weluckedout.”
Henodshishead.“Whatareyourplans?”
“Currently,thoseareclassified.”
Heraiseshisbrowasiftosaydoyouknowwhomyou’retalkingto?ButIknowhowtoplaythisgame,soI’lllethimpressureme;helikespower,that’swhyhe’ssmokingacigarinhisoffice,attemptingtointimidateme.
“YoudorealizethatI’mnotanidiot,JP.Nowthatyou’veacquiredtheAngelica,Iknowyou’regoingtowantmoreonceyou’redonewiththatbuilding,andIalsoknowthatyouhaven’ttalkedwithanyofthehistoricalsocietiesintown.AmIcorrect?”
Inod,givinghimalittlenibble.
“CaneEnterprisesisknownfortheirbeautifulbuildingsaroundthecountry,butyou’realsoknownforyourcommercialbuildingsthatarestrippedofallcharacterandmaximizedforprofit.”
“Smartbusinesschoice.Ithinkit’sdonewellforus.”
“Itmighthavedonewellforyouinotherpartsofthecountry,butnothere.”
“Andthat’swhywedon’thaveanyplansofstrippingdowntheAngelica.We’requiteawareoftheimportanceoftheAngelicatothiscity.Wealsounderstandpreservinghistoryisvital,aswell.Restassured,whenwe’redonewiththerenovations,notonlywilltheAngelicabebroughtbacktoheroriginalbeauty,butshe’llbefullyfunctioning,moreenvironmentallyfriendly,andwillhelpthepeopleofthiscity—ifIhaveanythingtodowithit,”Ifinish,anideaformulatinginmyhead.
Helpthepeople.
That’sexactlywhatIwanttodowiththisbuilding.
“Well…”Eugenetapshiscigarontheashtray.“ItseemsasthoughI’mjustgoingtohavetowaitandsee.”
“Correct.ButwhenIsaytheAngelicaisintherighthands,Imeanit.Oncewe’redone,you’llseekoutmorebuildingsforustorenovatearoundyourbeautifulcity.”
Heletsoutaheartylaughandstands.Istandaswell.“We’llseeaboutthat,JP.”HeholdshishandoutandIgiveitashake.“Goodseeingyou.”
“Youtoo…Mr.Mayor.”
Hesmirksandthenleadsmeoutofhisoffice.
Sincemyworkhereisdone,Idecidenottostickaround,achoiceIknowHuxleywouldn’tbehappywith,butIdon’tgiveafuck.I’mfeelinglikeshit,andtheonlythingIwanttodorightnowissitinfrontofafuckingscreenanddoabsolutelynothing.
IwishIcouldsaythelasthalfhourhasdistractedmefromtheturmoilthat’spulsingthroughmyhead,butsadly,ithasnot,becauseIknowwhenIgetbacktothepenthouse,it’llbeempty.Notasinglelightwillbeon,andwhenIgotoherroomandknockonherdoor,shewon’tbethere.Sheprobablywon’tbehomeforawhile,whichcanonlymeanonething—she’sprobablybondingwithDerek.Havingagoodtime.Gettingtoknowanotherman.
Thedrivebackisasilentonespentstaringoutthewindow.Whatonceusedtobemyfavoritecitytovisitisquicklybecomingmyleastfavorite.Funnyhowquicklythatcanchange,howapersoncanremindyouofaplace,stealthejoyrightfromyourgrasp.
WhenIarrivebackatthepenthouse—adarkpenthouse—Ichangeintoapairofshorts,nothingelse,andgrababeerfromthefridge,myonlysourceofalcoholintheplace.
Andmyphonerings.
Iwonderwhothatcouldbe—hearthesarcasm?
“What?”Ianswer.
“Howdiditgo?”Huxleyasks.
“Don’tyouhavealife?”
“I’mworriedaboutyou.”
“Aboutmeoraboutyourbusiness?”
“Ourbusiness,”Huxleysays.“AndI’mworriedaboutyou.Yousoundlikeyou’reinadarkplace.What’sgoingon?BreakersuggestedyouhavefeelingsforKelsey.”
JesusChrist.
Idragmyhandovermyface.“AreweinsomefuckinggossipingschoolyardIdon’tknowabout?Breakerneedstokeephismouthshut,andIsweartoGod,ifyousayanythingtoLottie,I’mgoingtoactuallymurderyou.”
“Iwouldn’t,”hesays.“Butisittrue?”
“Idon’tfuckingknow,okay?Idon’tfuckingknowanything.Andit’snotlikeitmattersanyway.I’mnothertype.I’mnotsomeoneshe’dgofor,that’sevident,becauseshe’soutwithDerekToneyrightnowandhecouldn’tbemoreoppositeofme.Andwherethefuckdidhecomefrom,anyway?WhyishegoingoutwithKelsey?”
“Lottiesetitup,”Huxleyanswers.“Dude,listen,I’mgoingtosendtheplanetomorrow.Iwanttohavethisconversationwithyouinperson.”
“I’mnotgoingtoleaveKelseyupherebyherself.”
“You’llbeback.Butwehavesomebusinesstotalkabout.”
“Canyounot?”IaskasIpressmyfingerstomybrow.“Please,fortheloveofGod,don’t.Notrightnow.”Itipbackmybeer.“AndI’mnotleavingtomorrow.Sendaplaneallyouwant,I’mnotgettingonit.Actually,Ihavetogo.Ican’tfuckingdealwiththisrightnow.”
“JP,whateverthehellisgoingon,youneedtotalktous.”
“Yeah,Iknow,butIcan’trightnow.”Ishakemyheadeventhoughhecan’tseeme.“Ijustfuckingcan’t.”Andbeforehecanrespond,Ihanguponhimandtossmyphonetotheotherendofthecouch.“Fuck,”Imutter,sinkingintothefabric.
Thisitchy,uncontrollable,debilitatingfeelingstartstoconsumeme.LikeI’mcaughtinatornadoofwearyemotionandnomatterwhatIdo,Ican’tgetoutofit.Itjustkeepsswirlingaroundme.Ihavenocontrol.Ifeellikeeverythingisslippingthroughmygrasp.
Mysanity.
Myjob.
Kelsey…
I’mnotevensurewhatI’ddoifshelookedmywayandsawmeasmorethanjustJP,howI’dhandlethethingssheneedsinherlifebut,fuck,Iwanttotry.BecausewhenshecalledmeJonahlastnight,nothinghadeversoundedmoreright.Foramoment,Iwasn’tjustJP,oneoftheCanebrothers.IwasJonah.Amanwholikesawoman.Amanwho’sreadyforchange.Readytostartmyownlife…whateverthatactuallymeans.ChapterFifteen
KELSEY
OhmyGod.
He’ssocute.
Derek,thatis.
Imean…reallycute.
Thickhair,justshortoffluffy,butthat’sokay.Andhisstyleiskindofpreppy,butinacuteway,notinawears-a-cardigan-over-his-shouldersway.Hissmileisadorable,hiseyesarebeautiful,andhehasalovely,deepvoice.
Lottiewasright…thisguyisacatch.
“Idon’tthinkI’veevereatenasmuchasIhavetonight,”Dereksays,pattinghisstomach.“IhopeIdidn’tgrossyououtoranythingwiththewayItookdownthatcrab.”
Ichuckle.“Notatall.Itwasimpressive.”Mindyou,IatethesamethingtheothernightwithJPandstillhadroomfordessert.
“NotsureifIshouldbeproudthatIimpressedyouwithmyeatinghabits.”
“Maybealittle.”Iwink.
Heglancesathiswatchandwinces.“Ihatetobethatguy,butIhaveanearlymorningmeetingtomorrowandIthinkit’sgoingtotakemealongtimetowalkbacktomyhotel.”
“You’regoingtowalk?Ihopeit’sclose.”
“Afewblocks…uphill.AndtrustmewhenIsay,ISHOULDwalkback.”
Ichuckle.“Burningsomelate-nightcalories?”
“Ihaveto.”Sincehealreadypaidforthemeal,hestandsfromhischair,andIdothesame.Oncemythingsaregathered,Iwalktowardtheexit.Heplaceshishandonthesmallofmybackandguidesmedownthestairsandoutthefrontdoor.
Chillsrunupmyspine.
Thiswasanicedate.
Therewasnoarguing.
Therewasaconstantflowofeasyconversation.
Andeventhoughhe’sabitawkwardinsomeways,he’sgreatinothers.
“I’mgladIcameouttonight,”Isayaswereachthepier.Iwaitforhimtotakemyhand,butwhenhedoesn’t,Isettlewithholdingthestrapofmypurse.
“I’mgladyoudid,too.ElliewastellingmeoverandoverthatIneededtotakeyououtforameal.Icanseewhy.You’regreatcompany,Kelsey.”
“Thankyou.”Ismileupathim.“HowmuchlongerareyouinSanFrancisco?”
“Aweek.Whataboutyou?”
“Same,”Isay.“Atleast,that’swhat’sontheschedule.Whoknows,thingscouldchange.”
“Yeah,doesn’titalwaysseemlikethescheduleischanging?Iwasonlysupposedtobehereforafewdays,butthetimekeepsgettingextended.ThiswasthefirstnightI’vehadthatdidn’tinvolvebusiness.Itwasanicereprieve.”
“I’mgladIcouldhelpwiththat.”
“Youdid.”Hestickshishandsinhispockets.“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Ofcourse,”Isaywithabrightsmile,becauseIhaveafeelingIknowwhathe’sgoingtoask.He’sabitshy,sohisapproachdoesn’tsurpriseme.Myanswerwillbeayeswhenheasksforanotherdate.I’vetrulyenjoyedmyselftonight.Wehadsomelaughs,andeventhoughthereweresomestuttersinourconversation,overall,itwasagreatnight.So,yes,I’llsayyestoaseconddate.
“Iwascurious.”Hebashfullylooksaway.“WouldyoubecomfortablewithtellingmehowyoulikeworkingwithCaneEnterprises?”
“Thatwouldbegreat,”IanswerbeforeIcanprocesshisquestion.
Wait…
What?
Confused,helooksatmewithapinchedbrow,andthat’swhenIactuallyregisterwhatheasked.
CaneEnterprises.
Workingwiththem.
Oh.
“Errr,thatwouldbeagreatquestiontoask,”Isay,tryingtocoverup.Notverysmooth.“Andtheanswerwouldbeyes.Ienjoyworkingwiththemalot.”
Henods.“Theyseemsortofruthless.DavewastellingmeallaboutwhatHuxleyandLottiedid.Itseemstheywoulddojustaboutanythingtoscoreadeal,liketheydon’tcareaboutthepeoplearoundthem.”
“No,that’snotthecaseatall,”Isay.“Theycaredeeplyabouttheiremployeesandtheworktheydo.ThatentiresituationstemmedfromamomentarylapseofjudgmentonHuxley’send.Hefeltawfulandsworehe’dneverdosomethinglikethatagain.”
Dereknods.“That’sreallygoodtohear.IknowDavecanbesortofblindattimeswhenworkingwithotherpeople.Hehasaheartofgold,andIjustwantedtocheck.IhopeIdidn’truinthedatebyasking.”
“Notatall.Iactuallylikethatyouasked.Itshowsmethatyoucareaboutyourbrother.”
“Ido.Hecanbeaknucklehead,kindofweirdattimes,buthe’sagoodmanandhe’sbuiltasolidbusiness.Ijustwanttomakesurenooneistakingadvantageofhim.”
Ismoothmyhandoverhisarm.“That’sreallykindofyou.”
Hesmilesdownatmeandstickshishandinhispocketagainjustaswemakeittoarowofcabs.“Ihadagreattime,Kelsey.”
“Ihadanicetimetoo,Derek.Itrulydid.”SuchagoodtimethatIhopeheleansinandkissesme.I’dtotallykisshimback.Ithinktherecouldbesomethingtherebetweenus.
ButakisswouldtellmeifwehavethechemistryIthinkwehave.
Iwetmylipsashereachesforacabdoor.
Kissingoutsideacab,howromantic.
Istepinclosertohim.
Andwait.
Waitforthatkiss.
Forhimtobendover,puckerup,andlayitonme.
ButjustasIexpecthimtoplantoneonme,hetakesastepawayfrommeandoffersmehishand.
His…hand.
Confused,Itakeit,andhegivesmeasolidshake.
“Greatmeetingyou,”hesays,beforelettinggoandtakinganotherstepbackwards.
Errr…what’shappening?
Where’sthekiss?
Orthehug?
Ortheoffertocallmesowecandothisagainsometime?
Iwaitforafewheartbeats,butwhennothinghappens,Irealizethisisit.Ahandshake.That’swhatI’mgettingtonight.Afreakinghandshakeandanicetomeetyou
Whatonearthishappening?Thisistheendofabusinessmeeting,notadate.DidImisssomething?DidIdosomethingwrong?Doeshenotlikeme?Self-doubtfillsme,causinganuglysetofemotions.
You’renotenough.
You’renotprettyenough.
JPhassaidI’mhottwice,butthatwasclearlyjusttogetinmypants.Derekisbackingawayafterafreakinghandshake.
IfthiswasLottie,Derekwouldbefiguringoutawaytostaylonger.
Mythroatgrowstight,andbeforeIcanmakeatotalassofmyselfinfrontofhim,Idecidetobidhimagoodbyeandgetintothecar,whereIcanlickmywoundsinprivate.
“Okay.Bye.”Iwaveathim.
“Bye,Kelsey.”
Heshutsthedoorwithfinalityandthenwalksaway.Well…
ItellmydriverthenameofthehotelI’mstayingat,thenleanbackinmyseatandstareoutthewindow.
DidImisssomething?
Ithoughtwewerehavingagoodevening.
Ithoughtweweremakingaconnection.WebondedoverPowerRangers,forheaven’ssake,notsomethingI’dwanttobondover,butwehadaconversationaboutthemthatmadeuslaughandreminisceaboutgrowingup.
Hetalkedabouthisfamily.Italkedaboutmine.
Hetouchedmyhandseveraltimesthroughoutdinner,andIknowforafactthatwhenIwenttothebathroom,hewatchedmewalkaway.ThegirlwhofollowedmeintothebathroomshortlyaftertoldmetheguyIwaswithhaditbadforme,withthewayhetrackedmeallthewaytothebathroom.
So,Idon’tknow…callmecrazy,butIguessIreaditallwrong.IguesstherewassomethingIdidwrongthathedidn’tlike.Ormaybe…maybeIjustdidn’timpresshimthewaythatIthoughtIdid.
Justlikeeveryothermanwhohastakenmeout…Ididn’tmakethatlastingimpression.
I’mnotmemorable.
Addicting.
I’mnotsomeoneamanwantsanothernightwith.
IconsidertextingLottie,butIdon’thavetheenergytohashouteverything,soinstead,IstareoutthewindowuntilIreachthehotel.
I’venoideawhereJPisrightnow,probablystillattheball,doingsomesortofschmoozingthathe’sprobablyhating.Orprobablyonhiswaybacktoawoman’sapartmentbecauseshewastoogorgeoustowalkawayfrom.Shewillenjoymorethanahandshake.Andgivenourstrangeblowupthismorning,whywouldhewanttocomebacktothepenthousetonight?
Butthat’sprobablyagoodthing.
Idon’tthinkIcouldseeanyonerightnow.I’veneverfeltsounwantedinmylife.FirstEdwin,nowDerek.IstheresomethingI’mdoingthatturnsmenoff?
Therehastobe.
You’retoodesperate.
Thankyou,JP.Thatwillstick.
Spiritbroken,theelevatordoorspartandIwalkdownthehotelhallwayuntilIreachthepenthouse.WhenIopenthedoor,I’mmetwithadarkroom,justasIexpected.He’snothere.Idropmypurseonthetableintheentrywayandkickoffmyheels.Ipickthemupfromthefloorandheadtomyroom.
“Enjoyyourevening?”JP’sdeepvoicescaresmesomuch,Isquealandbringmyhandtomyheart.
Ilooktowherehisvoicecamefromandspothimsittinginthechairinthedarkcorner,abeerinhand.
“Youscaredme.”Icatchmybreath.“Whyareyousittinginthedark?”
“Didn’tfeelliketurningonthelights,”heanswerswithoutmoving.
“Well,it’sweird.”Ireachovertoanaccentlampononeofthesidetablesandswitchiton.ItilluminatestheroomsoIcanfullyseeJP.He’swearingonlyshortsagainandhishairisacompletetumbleofstrands,pulledinalldifferentdirections.
Heliftsthebeertohislipsand,beforetakingasip,heasks,“Howwasloverboy?”
“He’snotmyloverboy.”Hemadethatevidentenoughbyofferingmeasturdyhandshake.
“Datenotgowell,then?”heasks,clearlyinthemoodtopickanotherfight.I’mnotfallingforit.
“Itwasgreat.Thanks.Now,ifyou’llexcuseme,I’mgoingtobed.”
“Didhekissyou?”
“That’snoneofyourbusiness,”Isay,asIturnbacktowardhim.
Hestandsfromhischairandhisfaceslowlycomesintothelightwitheverystepforwardhetakes.Nowonlyafewfeetfromme,hesetshisbeerontheendtableandstaresatme,examiningeveryinchofmyface.“Hedidn’t,didhe?Hedidn’tkissyou.”
I’mnotsureifhecanseethroughthebravefa?adeI’mtryingtowear,orifheactuallyseesthattheselipsofmineareuntouched,buthestepsevencloserandliftshishandtomyface,histhumbpullingonmybottomlip.
“Hedidn’tkissthismouth,didhe?”
Itakeastepback,stillclutchingmyheels.“LikeIsaid,that’snoneofyourbusiness,JP.”Beforehecansayanotherthing,Iturnawayfromhimandheadtomyroom.IneedtogetoutofthisdressandintosomethingcomfortablesoIcangotobedandforgetthisentirenight.WhenIreachmyroom,Isetdownmyheelsandtwistmyarmbehindmetoundomyzipper.But,forsomereason,eventhoughIwastheonewhogotmyselfintothisdress,Ican’tseemtoreachit.
Shit.
ButthenIfeelastronghandtouchmyshoulder.
Inearlyjumpoutofmyskinashecrowdsmybackandwhispers,“Allowme.”Hisvoicefeelslikeripplesofheatcaressingmyskin.Idon’tdaremove.Idon’tdaresayathingbecause,I’mashamedtosay,I’mdesperate.Desperateforamantotouchme.I’mdesperatetoknowthatI’msomeonewhocanbetreasuredthewayHuxleytreasuresLottie,andhowJefflovesMom.
ButIthinkthat’swhyit’sbeensoconfusingbeingaroundJP.He’ssexyashell,andinthemomentswegetalong,themomentsIfeelsuchadeepconnection—asifI’mseeingtherealJP—I’msotemptedtowantmore.Butknowinghedoesn’twantmeforanythingmorethanasexynighthasprobablytippedmeclosertothisedgecalleddesperation.
I’mjustahopelessromanticlookingforsomeonetoloveher.
ThezipperofmydressisgentlypulleddownuntilIfeelthesidesofmydressopen.Thegriphehasonmyshouldertightens.
“What’sthis?”heasks,hisfingertracingovermylingerie.“Didyouwearthisforhim?”
Mystrapless,one-pieceblackbustier.Ididn’t,actually.It’ssomethingIliketoweareveryday.LingerieistheonethingthatIsplurgeon,becauseitmakesmefeelspecial.Itmakesmefeelgoodundermyclothes.Itmakesmefeelsexy,eventhoughmysexlifeisatanall-timelowforthemoment.
Ispinaroundandholdmydressupwithonehandacrossmychest.“Idid,”Ianswer,lying.Ifeellikeprovokinghim.Miserylovescompany.It’sashittythingtodo,butI’mnotexactlythinkingclearlyrightnow.
“Andhedidn’tkissyou…thatseemsfuckingstupid.”
“Ineversaidhedidn’tkissme,”Ishootback.“Youjustassumed.”
Hestepsevencloser,hishandnowcurlingpossessivelyaroundthenapeofmyneck.Ihavenoideawhat’shappening,what’spossessinghimtodothis,orpossessingmetoletithappen,butIstandtall—astallasIcan—andholdmychinuphigh,challenginghim.
“I’mnotassuming,Iknow.”
“Wereyouwatchingus?”
Heshakeshishead.“Iknowyou,Kelsey.Ifthatmankissedyou,you’dhavecomebarrelingintothispenthouse,happy.Butthat’snotthecase,isit?There’sadroopinyourshoulders,nojoyinyoursmile.Thedatedidn’tgothewayyouwantedit.Andnow,you’rebackatgroundzero,attemptingtofindsomeoneelsetotakeyouout.”
Insultlaceshiseverysyllable,andit’slikearepeatedstrikeagainstmyheart.
“Thedatewasamazing,actually,”Isay.“Andno,hedidn’tkissme,buthewasalsobeingagentleman,somethingI’msureyouknownothingabout.”
Hepropelsmebackward,andI’msoshockedthatIbracemyhandsonhischestforbalance,lettingmydresssliptotheground,leavingmeinnothingbutmylingerie.
“WhatdidItellyouaboutbeingagentleman?Iknowhowtoholdagoddamndooropenforawoman.Iknowhowtomakesureshe’swelltakencareofonadatewithengagingconversation.Beingagentlemandoesn’tmeanyoudon’ttakewhatyoubothwant.”
“Areyousayingyou’dhavekissedme?”
“Iwould’vedonemorethankissyou,”hesays,hisvoicesodarkthatIwonderifsomethinghappenedtohimtonight,butI’msolostinmyownworldthatIdon’thavetimetothinkaboutwhyhe’sactinglikethis,whathascausedthis…aggression.“Iwouldn’thaveleftyoualoneinapenthousewithanotherman,that’sfordamnsure.”
Hecontinuestowalkmebackwardsuntilmylegshittheedgeofthebed.
“IknowyourMO,JP,yourendgoal.”
“Isthatso?”heasks,hishandonmynapeslowlydraggingforwarduntilhisthumbisproppedrightundermychin,holdingmeinplace.“Andwhatexactlyismyendgoal,Kelsey?”
“Pleasure,”Ianswer.
“Youwouldsaythat,”hesays.Hepushesmedownonthebedandcorralsmewithahandoneithersideofmyshoulders.Mybreathgetsstuckinmythroatashelowershisfacemereinchesfrommine.“It’snotalwaysaboutpleasure,Kelsey.It’saboutthetemptation.”
“AreyoutryingtosayI’mtempting?”
“Doyouwantmetofindyoutempting?”
Iwetmylips.MyhearthammerssoloudlyinmychestthatIcanbarelyhearmyselfthink.“Ijustwantsomeonetowanttodateme,maybefallinlovewithmeoneday.”Iswallow.“AndIthinkDerekcouldbethatguy.”
Hisbrowsnarrow,tuggingtogetheratthecenterofhisforehead.“Bullshit.Stopfuckinglyingtomeandtellmethetruth.Yourdatewasbarelyenjoyableandthefuckingdouchedidn’tseizetheopportunitytokissyou,leavingyouunsatisfied.”
“Iwasleftcompletelysatisfied.”
“Isthatso?”heasks,thenlowershisheadsohisnoserunsalongmycollarbone.Awaveofgoosebumpsspringsuponmyskinashisbreathcaressesmychest.“So,you’retellingmeyouwouldn’twantmore?”
God,Iwantsomuchmore.
Iwanttofeelsomething.
Iwanttoknowwhatit’sliketobekissedagain.
Tohaveamancontrolmewithhishands,withhismouth,withhiswords.
IwantsomuchmorethanthedateIhadwithDerek.Iwantedhimtowantmoreofme.Totellmehewantstocallmeinthemorning,askmeoutagain.
Iwantmorethanafreakinghandshakeattheendofthenight.
ButIcan’ttellJPthat.Ican’tadmittohimwhatafailuretheendofthenightwas,soIkeepmymouthshut.Hisnoseridesupthecolumnofmyneckuntilhereachesmyear,whereheasks,“DoyouwanttoknowwhatIwould’vedoneifItookyououtonadate?”
Yes.
Desperately.
“No,”Ianswer.“Becauseyoudidn’ttakemeout,JP.”
“IfItookyouout,youwouldn’tbehomethisearly.I’dfindeveryopportunityIcouldtokeepyouout.I’dextendournightaslongasIcoulduntilwehadnochoicebuttosaygoodbye.Andwhenwedid”—henibblesmyear,causingatidalwaveoflusttostrikeme—“whenIsaidgoodnighttoyou,itwouldbebyleaningyouagainstmycar,strokingyourcheek,andthenholdingyouinplaceasIfinallykissedyou,thewayI’dwantedtokissyouallgoddamnnight.”
“And…andhowwouldyoukissme?”Iask.
“Slowly,atfirst”—hishandslidestomyjaw,justabovemythroat—“soyougetatasteofme,andwhenIfeltthatyouwerecomfortable,content,I’dpartyourlipsanddemandmore.I’dpressmybodyagainstyours,slipmyhandintoyourhair,justatthebaseofyourskull,andthentangleourtongues,pullingmoreandmorefromyouuntilyou’reabsolutelybreathless.”Hisnoserunsalongmycheek.“Justlikeyouarenow.”
“I’mnotbreathless.Don’tflatteryourself,”Isay.
Hisgriponmyjawgrowstighterasheasks,“Whenareyougoingtolearnnottolietome?IfIslippedmyhanddownyourbodyandbetweenyourlegs,Iknowyou’dbewet.”
Iam.
Iamwet,throbbing,andsofullofneedthatIcanbarelyprocesshiswords.
“Noteverywomaniswonoverbywhatyoucallcharm.”
Hereleasesmyjawandsitsupfromhisposition,nowstandinginfrontofmelookingdown.Hiseyesscanmybody,wrappedinblacklace.That’swhenItakeasecondtoletmyeyeswanderhisbody.Broad,straightshoulders;bouldersinhisbiceps,sothickandveiny,leadingallthewaydowntohisimpeccable,inkedforearms;andfingersthatseemtocurltowardhispalmwhenangersearsthroughhim.Hischestisthick,strong,cut,leadingdowntohisabs,whicharestackedonerightontopoftheother.Hisbellybuttonisthestartofthemetaphoricalarrowthatpointsdowntothebulgeinhisshorts,theveryprominentbulge.
He’sturnedon,justlikeme.
Andinsteadoflisteningtohisvoice,lettinghimdirtytalkhiswayovermybody,I’mprovokinghim,pushinghimaway,makinghimimpossiblyangrier.
Eyesonmine,hesays,“Touchyourself.Showmeyou’renotwet.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIdon’tbelieveyou.Showmeyouaren’twonoverbymycharm.”
Myteethrunovermylip,myheartwildlybeating.IknowI’mwet.IknowI’mturnedon.AndIknowit’sfromhim.
Imovemyhanddownmybodytobetweenmylegs.Islipmyfingerspastthelaceandagainstmyclit.Myeyesinstantlyshutfromthepressure,andIhatemyselfforgivinguphowIfeel,forshowinghimthatI’mexactlywherehewantsmetobe.
Myeyesflyopenasheseizesmywrist,andIfindhimbentforward,onehandproppedonthebed,theotherbringingmyfingerstowardhismouth.Hepartshislips,dragsmyfingersoverhistongue,andthenreleasesthem.
Fuck,Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenanythingsosexyinmylife.
“Fuckingliar,”hesays,tuckingmyhandbackunderthelacebetweenmylegs.WhenItrytoremovemyhand,hekeepsmethere,pressinghishandagainstmine.“Whyareyoulyingtome?”Idon’tanswerhim,sohesays,“Iwouldn’tlietoyou.I’mnotconcealinghowIfeel.”Iglancedownathisbulgeagain,thefabricofhisshortsoutlininghiscock.
“Youarebywearingthoseshorts,”Isay.Idon’tknowwhyIsayit,maybebecauseI’msofargoneatthispoint,butI’mdesperateforsomething,anything.
Withhiseyesstillonmine,hereachestohiswaistband,pullshiscockout,andstrokeshislengthrightinfrontofme.
Girthy.
Long.
Promising.
“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”heasks.“Youwantedthiscock?”
Yes.
Ialsowantyourlips.
Yourhands.
Yourbody.
“Tellmewhyyou’rehard.”Iattempttoremovemyhandfromundermybustieragain,buthestopsmeonceagain.
“Touchyourself,”hedemands.“Iknowyouwantto.Iknowyouneedto.Touchyourself,andI’lltellyouwhyI’mhard.”
Isealmylipstogetherandslipmyfingersalongmyslituntiltheypressagainstmyclit.Withtwofingers,Igentlymassageitwhilemylegsspreadonthemattress.
HiseyesfalltowhereI’mpleasuringmyselfandthenbackup.Hewetshislipsandlowersonehandtothemattress,bringinghimcloserwhilehecontinuestostrokehimself.
“That’sit,keeptouchingyourself,Kelsey.Tellmehowwetyouare.”
“Tellmewhyyou’rehard,first,”Icounter.
“I’mhardbecauseofthewayyouwalkthroughthispenthouse,actingasifyoudon’thaveanyinterestinme,butyoureyestellmedifferently.I’mhardbecauseyouhavenofuckingcluejusthowalluringyouare,howfuckingsexyyouare.I’mhardbecausethetasteofyourpussyislingeringonmytongue,andifItrulyhadmyway,you’dbestrippednaked,tiedtothisbed,waitingformetopleasureyou.”
“Ifyouhadyourway?”Iask,ahitchinmyvoice.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Histhumbreachesupandtracesmyface,downmyneck,andacrossmyarm.“Youaren’tmine.”Heletsgoofhiscockandmovesmeonthebed,makingroomsohecankneelinfrontofme.ThenheremovesmyhandfromwhereI’mpleasuringmyselfandbringshiscocktomyslit,runningitagainstthefabric.Thesensationisabsolutetorture,feelinghimthisclose,justaminisculefabricblockingourconnection.“Ifyouweremine,therewouldbenothingbetweenus.”
Thatlightpressure,thebarely-therefeelingofhiscockmixedwiththeeroticnatureofwhathe’sdoing,sendsanintenseyearningthroughme.Aneedsostrongthatmymindstartstoblackout.Theonlythingit’sfocusedonisrelief.
Relieffromthebuildup.
Relieffromthisnight.
Relieffromthetensionbetweenus.
Heliftshiscockandtapstheheadrightonmyclit.
“Fuck,”IwhisperasIdrapemyarmovermyeyesandbreatheheavily.
“Youlikethat,don’tyou?”
Myteethrollovermybottomlip.
“TellmeyoulikeitandI’lldoitagain.”
God,Ihatehim…whyishemakingmeadmitthingsIdon’twanttoadmit?
“Sayit,Kelsey.”
“I…Ilikeit,”Istammer,andhetapshisdickonmyclitafewmoretimes.
Mypelvisrises,myskinbreaksoutinasweat,andmycontrolstartstoslip.Andthentomysurprise,hepullsthefabriccoveringmypussytotheside,exposingme,andletstheheadofhiscocklightlyrubagainstme.
“OhGod,”Imoanasmylegsspreadevenfarther.“Ohyes…JP.”
“Fuck,you’resowet.”
“More,”Ibeg.Iwantmore.
Heglideshiscockovermyclittwomoretimesandthenwithagroan,hepullsawayandresumespumpinghislengthvigorouslyaboveme.
“Ifyouwantmore,youneedtofuckyourself,”hesays,hisvoicestrained.Myeyesfollowhisgestures,theslideofhishandoverhisthickerection,theveinsrunningdownhislength,thetensioninhischestashebreathesheavily,staringdownatme.
It’ssofreakinghot,sosexy,thatmyfingersfindmyclitagainandstartmassaginginfastcircles.Thefirstinklingofmyorgasmstartstowraparoundmymuscles,throughmyback,alongmyribs,intomystomach.
“Fuck…you’rethere,aren’tyou?”heasks.“You’realmostthere.”
Inod,keepingmyteethclenchedasmychestheaves,myfingersmovingfaster.Myeyesstayfocusedonhishandthat’spulling,tuggingonhislength,thethickveinsinhistattooedforearmsstrainingjustliketherestofhisbody.
“God,”Imutterasmybodystartstoseizeonme.Theoverwhelmingsensationofpleasureisatitsearlystages,pulsingthroughmyveinsandzeroinginonthespotbetweenmylegs.“Yes,”Iwhisper,myeyesshuttingasIletmyselffallintothehandsofmyorgasm.
“Lookatme,”JPsays,hisvoicesocommandingthatitmakesmesnapmyeyesopen.“Lookatmewhenyoucome.”
Thetoneofhisvoice.
Themeaningbehindit…
It’slikeaboltoflustzappingrightthroughme.Mymusclesstiffen,mylegsshiver,andmyfingersflyovermyclitasImoanlouderthanIcaneverremembervocalizingbefore,andIcome,aferociousorgasmbreakingmeintoamillionpiecesrightthereonmybed.
MyeyesstillonJP,Ireadymyselftoseehimcome,buttomyutterdisbelief,heputshissurgingcockbackinhisshortsandthenleansdownsoclosethatournosesarenearlytouching.
“You…youdidn’tcome,”Isay,breathless.
“Becausethat’snotforyoutosee,soI’lldothatinprivate.Ifyouwanttowatchmecome,ifyouwanttoseemybodyshakeuncontrollablywhenIthinkofyoursweetfingersglidingoveryourcunt,thenyou’regoingtohavetogivemealotmorethanyougavemetonight.”Hemovesdownmybodyuntilhisheadisrightbetweenmylegs.MybreathissoheavythatIcanbarelyregisterwhat’shappeninguntilhistongueisglidingovermypussy,onesmoothswipebeforeheliftsup,standingstraight.Satisfactiononhisface,hesays,“Nexttime,you’llbecomingonmytongue.”
Heturnsandheadsformydoor,slippingoutbeforeIcansayanything.
Breathless,Istareatthedoor,entirelytooturnedon—still—wonderingwhatonearthjusthappenedandhowwetookitthisfar.ChapterSixteen
JP
Ihadonebeerlastnight,butitfeelsasthoughIhadtwenty.Mymouthfeelsdry,mybodyisaching,andthere’sanunsatisfiedfeelingfloodingme.Andthere’sonlyonereasonforthisfeeling.
Kelsey.
FuckingKelsey.
IswingmylegsovertheedgeofmybedandrubmypalmagainstmyeyeasIattempttowakemybody.
Fuck.
Onceagain,Ilostcontrol.Returningtothepenthouse,notseeingherthere,andhavingtocountdowneveryseconduntilshecameback,turnedmeintoadangerous,jealousman.Themomentshewalkedthroughthatdoor,Iwasreadytopickafight.IwasreadytoprovokeherandnomatterwhatItriedtodotocalmmyself,Icouldn’t.That’showIfoundmyselfinherbedroom,pullingoutmydick,andwatchingherpleasureherself.
Eventhismorning,Icanstillseethelookonherfacewhensheorgasmed.Icanhearherdeliciousmoans.Icantasteher.Allthreecausesforthisnon-alcoholichangoverI’mexperiencing.
Frommynightstand,Icheckthealarmclockforthetime.Shit,isitreallyninealready?Thankfuckit’sSaturdayandIdon’thaveanymeetings.IjusthavetofaceKelseythismorningwithnoideawhattosay.
AmIembarrassedaboutwhathappenedlastnight?No.
AmIsureshe’sembarrassedaboutwhathappenedlastnight?Yes.
Idon’tthinkKelseyisthetypeofwomanwhomasturbatesinfrontofsomeone,despitethetypeof“underwear”shewears.Ithinkherlingerieisprobablythenaughtiestthingabouther.
So,whatIshouldexpectfromherthismorningisanextremedoseofawkwardnesswithaheavysideofregret.TwothingsI’mnotverygoodatnavigating.Idon’tnecessarilyfeelthoseemotions,atleastnotasheavilyasKelsey,norwouldIfeelthemaboutasexualexperience.Anditmakesmewanthermore.HowcouldIpossiblywalkawayfromherknowingwhatshetasteslike?Knowingshewearssexy-as-fucklingerie?Butshestilldoesn’tbelieveinme.
KnowingIcan’thangoutinmyroomforever,IslipoutofbedandfindapairofshortstoputonsoIdon’twalkintothelivingspacenaked.Shesawmydicklastnight,butIdoubtshewantstoseeitthismorning.
Dressed,Iopenmybedroomdoorandwalkdownthehallway,scratchingmychest,onlytostopattheedgeofthelivingroomwhereIspotKelseysittingonthecouch,rockingbackandforth,aniPadinfrontofher.She’swearingapairofsweatsandaT-shirtandhasaworriedlookonherface.
Whenhereyeslandonmine,fearencompassesthem.“What’sgoingon?”Iask.
“Yourbrothertexted.Hesaidhe’sgoingtoFaceTimeusintenminutes.Ishe…ishegoingtofireme?”
“Whywouldhefireyou?”
“Youknow,becauseoflastnight…”Hervoicetrailsoff,andwhenIdon’tsayanything,sheadds,“Youknow,whatwedidinmybedroom.”
Itugonmyhair.“Whythefuckwouldheknowaboutthat?”
“Youdidn’ttellhim?”
“Idon’ttellmybrothershit.Plus,that’ssomethingI’dnevertellhim,orBreaker,forthatmatter.Didyoutellyoursister?”
“No.”Sheshakesherhead.“Iwastooembarrassed.”
See,toldyoushe’dbeembarrassed.
Iwalkovertothekitchen,grabanapplefromthebowl,andtakeabite.“So,then,there’snothingtoworryabout.Plus,he’dneverfireyouoversomethinglikethat.”
“Thenwhatdoeshewanttotalktousabout?”
Ishrug.“Beatsme.”
Althoughthat’snotthetruth,asI’msurehehassomeshittosaytome.Hewasn’tveryhappywithmeyesterdaywhenIhunguponhim,sothisimpromptuneedtocallfeelsright.
“Well,Ihaveabadfeeling.IfeellikeI’mintrouble.”
“Youonlyfeelthatwaybecauseyoudidsomethingyou’dneverdolastnight.”
Hereyesfindmine.“Howcanyoujustbesocasualaboutit?I’vebeenupsincefourthismorningunabletosleep.Idon’t…Idon’tknowwhatcameovermelastnight.Inevershould’ve—”
“Noneedtohashitout,Kelsey.Whathappened,happened.Justletitbe.”
“Letitbe?It’snotthateasyforme,JP.Youmademefeel—”Shecatchesherselfandthentakesadeepbreath.“Thatwasawildthingformetodo,especiallywithaco-workerwhotechnicallyoverseeseverythingIdo.Nottomention,Iwentonadatewithanothermanlastnight.Howonearthisthatokay?”
Withacrispsnap,Ibiteoffachunkofappleandchewitthoughtfully.“It’sactuallyjustfine.Thesestandards,theserulesyouseemtobeputtingonyourselfarejustthat—self-inducedrules.Youcanliveyourlifethewayyouwant.Stopjudgingyourself.”
“Stoptryingtoactlikewhathappenedlastnightwasokay.”
“Itwasokay.Wecould’vedonemore.”
“JP,I’mnotthatkindofgirl,”shesnaps.She’sreallyworkedup.Eventhoughshecamelastnightwithhereyesonme,she’sanythingbutokaywithit.“I…Idon’tdothosekindsofthings,andforsomereason,Ican’tseemtobemynormalselfaroundyou.Ilosemymindandstartthinkingthatit’sokaytobesexuallyprovocative.”
“Itisokayforyoutobesexuallyprovocative,”Isay.
“ButIdon’twanttobe.Iwantsomuchmorethansexualgratification.”Hervoicewavers.“God,Idon’tknowwhyI’mtalkingtoyouaboutthiswhenitisn’tsomethingyouunderstand.”
“BecauseI’mnottherelationshipkindofguy,right?”
“Right,”shesays,notholdingback.“LastnightwasprobablyasillygametoyouandIwasapawn.”
“Youweren’tapawninmygame.”Myvoicegrowstighterwithirritation.
Shefoldsherarms.“Thenwhatwasit?BecauseIcan’tthinkofagoodreasonwhywe’ddothat.”
“Idon’tknow,Kelsey,maybebecausethere’sasexualattractionbetweenus?Isthattoohardtobelieve?Maybeweweresoinflamedwithneedthatweletourwillsliplastnight.”
“Well…itwon’tbehappeningagain,”shesays,lookingaway.
“Gatheredthat,”ImumbleasIwalkovertothecouchandtakeaseatnexttoher.
Why?Whycan’tIshiftherthinking?Lastnightwastestimonytohowgoodwecouldbetogether.Sexually.Butshe’sclearonwhatshewants.
“Idon’tdothosekindsofthings…Ican’tseemtobemynormalselfaroundyou.Ilosemymindandstartthinkingthatit’sokaytobesexuallyprovocative.Iwantsomuchmorethansexualgratification.”
AndIwanttogivehersomuchmorethansimplesexualgratification.Remorsestrikesme,knowingthatIputheronthedefensiveagain.
Getafuckingclue,Cane.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks.
“SittinginfrontofyouriPadsowhenHuxleycalls,hecanseeme.Isthataproblem?”
“No,”shesays,leaningbackonthecouch.Idothesameand,together,wesitinsilence,lettingthetimetickbywhilewewaitforHuxleytocall.
Unsureofwhattodo,Iofferhermyapple,andtomysurprise,shetakesit.Maybeit’sapeaceoffering,Idon’tknow,butIdon’tlikehowangrysheisatme,especiallysincelastnight,hell…itwasprobablywrong,butfuck,itfeltgood.Slidingmycockalongherslit,feelinghowgoddamnturnedonshewas,itwasahighIcouldn’tkick,andIneededsomuchmore.WhenIgotbacktomyroom,Ihoppedintheshowerandquicklymadeworkofmyerection,thinkingofhersurprisedfacewhensheorgasmed.Iwasdoneinseconds.
“I’msorryaboutlastnight,”Isayquietly.“Iwasinabadplace.I’llbehonest,Kelsey.Ithinkyou’rereallyhot.Ilostcontrol,andI’msorryifImadeyoufeeluncomfortable.”
Theappleishalfwaytohermouth,butshepausesandturnstome.Ihangmyheadtothesidesowe’restaringintoeachother’seyes.“No,I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavespokentoyoulikethat.IthinkIfreakedout,andratherthanactinglikeanormalhumanbeing,IblamedeverythingonyouwhenIshouldn’thave.Inthemoment,wheneverythingwashappening,Iwantedit.Iwanteditsobad.”
Thatbringsasmiletomyfaceandeasesthetightnessinmychest.
Itugonmyhair.“Yeah,Iwanteditbad,too.Ithinktherewasonlyoneshredofself-controlleftthatheldmebackfromtearingthatbustieroffandfuckingyou.”
Herteethrolloverherlipandshesays,“Iwould’veletithappen.”
“Hell,”Igroan,draggingmyhandovermyface.“Don’tsaythat.”
Shechuckles.“Iwassadlastnight.YouwererightaboutDerek.Hedidn’tkissme,andIwasfeelingreallylow.Iclungtoyouinallthewrongways.Ishould’vejusttalkedtoyoulikeI’mtalkingtoyounow.”
Iholdmyarmoutand,tomyrelief,shemovesintomygrasp,restingherheadonmychestwhileIhugherclosely.“Youdidn’thaveachancetotalktome.Iprovokedyourightaway.Inallhonesty,Iwassadyouweren’tattheMayor’sBallwithme,andItookitoutonyou.Ishouldn’thave.”
Sheliftsup.“Youweresadaboutthat?”
Inod.“Yeah,I’dhadfuntheprevioustwonightsand,Idon’tknow,Ididn’twanttogoalone.Iforgotaboutyourdate,though.”
“Youshould’vesaidsomething,Iwould’verescheduled.”
Iwishyouhadn’tgoneonthedateatall.
“Nah,youwereexcitedaboutit.Ishould’veactedmorerespectfully,butthat’ssortofhardforme.Idon’tmaketherightchoicessometimes,andlastnightitshowed.I’mreallysorry,Kelsey.”
“Don’tbe,”shesays,restingbackonmychest.Iholdherclose,wishingthisiswhatwewerenormallylike,thatthiswasatypicalSaturdaymorningforus.“Ithinkwebothtreatedeachotherunfairly.IusedyoubecauseIwasfeelingemptyafterthatdate,andInevershouldhave.”
“Itreallydidn’tgowell?”Iaskher,hopingshe’llsayyes.
“Ithoughtitdid.”
Damn.
“Butitended…”Shepausesandburiesherheadfartherintomychest.“God,thisissoembarrassingandIcan’tbelieveI’mevenconsideringtellingyou.”
IgentlydragmyfingersthroughthelongstrandsasIsay,“Nojudgmenthere.”
Shegroansandthensays,“God,hegavemeahandshakelastnightasagoodbye.”
“Ahandshake?”Iask.Jesus,dude,waytofuckingblowitwiththemostirresistiblewoman.
“Yes,Iwasmentallypreparingforakiss,followedupbyan‘I’llcallyou,’or‘let’sdothisagain,’maybeevenapossible‘Ican’twaittoseeyouagain.’ButIgotathankyouandahandshake,andthenIwasonmyway.ItwassuchaletdownbecauseIthoughttherewaschemistry.”Sheshakesherhead.“IwassosadwhenIcamehome.AllIcanthinkaboutiswhat’swrongwithme?What’ssohorribleaboutmethatI’dpullahandshakeoutofaman?Imean,notevenahug?”
“Nothingiswrongwithyou,Kelsey.Trustme,nothingisfuckingwrongwithyou.You’reperfect.”
Sheshakesherheadagain.“I’mnot.”
Ileanawayandliftherchinsooureyesconnect.“Kelsey,you’refuckingperfect,”Isayagain,tryingtoconveytoherhowgoddamnrightIamaboutthis.“Derekisafoolfornotkissingyoulastnight.AndI’msorrythatheleftyoufeelinganythinglessthanwhatyoutrulyare.Fuck.I’msosorryforhowItreatedyoulastnight.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Inthatmoment,Ineededit.Ineededtofeelwantedandbeautiful.I’mjustsorryIusedyou.”
“Youdidn’tuseme,Kelsey.Iwantedthatjustasmuchasyoudid.Therewasnousinginvolved.”
Shesoftlysmiles.“Well,Iguess,thankyou.”Sheshrugsanditcausesmetolaugh.“Iknowyousaidwe’reshort-termcompanionsandyouwillprobablydenyituntilyou’reblueintheface,butyourfriendshipmeansalottome.”
Likeagoddamndaggertotheheart.I’vebeenfriend-zoned.
Aftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough,afterlastnight,afterthedates,I’mstuckrightthere,asherfriend.
Fuck.
Icontinuetostrokeherhair,disappointmentpassingthroughme.“Yeah,same,babe.”
AndbecausehehastheWORSTtimingever,Huxleycalls.Kelseyliftsfrommychest,adjustsherself,andthenreachesouttothepropped-upiPadandacceptsthecall.
HuxleyandLottiecomeonscreenandKelseyquicklywaves.“Hi.”
“Hey,goodmorning,”Lottiesays.“Hopethiswasn’ttooearly.Iknowyouhadadatelastnight.”Lottiewiggleshereyebrows.
“No,thisisfine.Iseverythingokay?”Kelseyasks.
“She’sworriedyou’regoingtofireher,”Isay,causingKelseytopushme.
“WhywouldIfireyou?”Huxleysays,speakingupnow.“You’redoingexcellentwork.”
“Oh,that’sjusthowKelseyis,”Lottieanswers.“Shealwaysthinksshe’sgoingtogetfired.Butthishasnothingtodowithwork.”
“No,nothinglikethat,”Huxleysays.“Andfortherecord,Kelsey,youhavenothingtoworryabout.JPtookcareofRegislastnight.”
JesusChrist,thisguy.
Kelseyquicklylookstowardme,butIignoreherprobingeyesandask,“Sowhat’sthephonecallfor?”
LottieloopsherarmthroughHuxley’sandsays,“Well,whilegoingthroughalltheseweddingmeetings,we’vecometotheconclusionthatabigfancyweddingisn’tnecessary.We’regettingmarriedinamonthinstead.”
“Amonth?”Kelseyasks.“Ohwow,that’sreallysoon.Willyouhaveenoughtimetoplaneverything?”
“Yes.You’dbesurprisedhowquicklythingscangetdonewhentherightcheckbookisinvolved,”Huxleysays.
“It’strue.He’sbeenflashingarounddollarsignstoeveryone,andthingsaregettingdone.Butwe’recallingbecauseit’sgoingtobearooftopweddinginMalibuthatoverlookstheocean.We’reinvitingaboutonehundredpeopleandkeepingitprettysmall.Don’tworry,youeachgetaplus-one.”LottiewinksatKelsey.“MaybeyoucanbringDerek.DaveandElliewillbethere.”
Fuckingwonderful.
“Yeah,maybe,”Kelseysays,buthervoiceisdistant.
“Anyway,we’llsendthedetailsovershortly.Wewantedtocallyouandtellyouthebignews.Whenitcamedowntoit,wejustwantedtobemarried,sowethoughtthiswouldbeaperfectcombinationforbothofus.”
“Soundsdreamy,”KelseysaysjustasatextmessagepopsupatthetopofheriPadscreen.
MyeyesmakequickworkofreadingitbeforeKelseycanswipeitaway.
Derek:Hey,Kelsey,Ihadagreattimelastnight.Canwepleasedoitagainwhileyou’rehere?
Myjawclenchesandsweatbreaksoutonthebackofmyneck.
IknowI’mfriend-zoned.
Iknowshe’llneverseemeassomeonetodate.
Butfuck…Idon’tneedtoseeDerekswoopinginwhilethingsarestillraw.
“Areyoustillgoingtohaveabridalshoweroranythinglikethat?”Kelseyasks.
“Um,Ithinkjustalingerieparty.Somethingsmall.Nothingtoocrazy.Wedon’tneedanything,butIknowHuxherewouldappreciatethelingerie.”
Huxleyscratcheshisjaw.“Iwould.”
Bing
Anothertext.
Likeamothtoaflame,myeyeszeroinonthetextmessage.
Derek:Andsorryaboutnotkissingyoulastnight.Ireallywantedto.Ijustgot..
Therestofthetextmessageishidden,butIgetthegistofit.Derekisagoddamnpussyandisnowruiningmylifebycominginhotwiththetextmessagesthenextmorning.
Idon’tthinklifecouldbeanymorefrustrating.
Wespendthenextfiveminutestalking.I’mzoningoutthewholetime,wonderingwhythiscouldn’thavebeentextedoremailedtous.WhythisrequiredaFaceTimecall.BecausenowIknowthatDerekstillwantstotakeKelseyout,andknowingKelsey,she’sgoingtobe100percentexcitedaboutthis.
Justaswe’reabouttohangup,onemoremessagecomesin.
Derek:I’mfreetodayifyouwanttohaveapicnicintheparkwithme.
Gagme.
JesusChrist,Derek,giveherachancetorespondbeforeyouwriteafuckingnovelabouthowyoufeel,howyoufuckedup,andhowyouwanttomakeituptoher.
“JP,doyoustillneedtotalk?”Huxleyasks,pullingmefromtheangersimmeringinthepitofmystomach.
“What?Ah,nah,I’mgood,”Isayinthemosteven-tonedvoiceIcanmuster
“Okay.”Huxleyeyesme.“Textmeifyouneedanything.”
“Soexcitedforyoutwo,”Kelseysaysbeforeweallsaybyeandshedisconnectsthecall.I’mpreparedforhertorunoffandreadhertextmessages,butinstead,sheturnstowardmeandasks,“WhatdidHuxleymeanwhenhesaidyoutookcareofRegis?”
Ofcourseshe’drememberthat.
Istandfromthecouchandsay,“Nothingtoworryabout.”
“Iamworried,”shesays,standingaswell.“Clearly,ithadsomethingtodowithme.Whatwasit?”
“HewasjustbeingadickandIsethimstraight,isall.It’snotabigdealsodon’tmakeitone.”
“Yousawhimattheballlastnight?”
Iexhalesharplyandgotothekitchentopourmyselfaglassofwater.“Yes,Isawhimtherelastnight.Addressedtheissueandmovedon.”
“Whatwastheissue?”
“Jesus,Kelsey,Isaiditwasn’tabigdeal,sojustdropit.”
Shewincesfrommystrongtone.“Okay,Ijust…Idon’tknow.IthoughtifIunderstandwhat’sgoingon,maybeIcandobetter.”
“Youdon’tneedtodobetter.Itoldyou,you’reperfect.Regiswastheonewhoneededtodobetter.”Ichugmywaterandsetdowntheglassbeforeworkingmywaybacktothehallwaythatleadstomyroom.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“Tomyroom,”Isay.
“Youseemangryagain.”
Notangry.
I’mhurt.
Disappointed.
AchingforachanceIknowIwon’tget.
“Wejustdon’tneedtotalkaboutit,okay?”
“Okay,”shesays,twistingherhandsinfrontofher.“Whatareyoudoingtoday?”
“Notsure,”Ianswer.“Butitseemslikeyouhaveplans.”
“Yeah,Iguessyousawthosemessages.”Shemovesherfootinfrontofher.“WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo?”
Notcometomefordatingadvice,that’sfordamnsure.
“Ithoughtwehadagoodtime,butIfeltreallyletdownbyhimlastnight.Idon’tknow.”
“Seemslikeyouhaveachoicetomake,then,”Isay.
“Butwhatifit’snottherightchoice?”shecallsout.
“I’msureit’llbeabetterchoicethantheoneyoumadelastnight,”Ianswerbeforeshuttingthedoortomyroomandfloppingontomybed.
Hollow.
That’showIfeel,absolutelyhollow.
Forabriefmomentlastnight,whenKelsey’seyeswereonmeandshewascoming,andthenearlierwhenIhadherinmyarms,everythingfeltright.Ifeltright.Ready.Butnow,lyingherealoneonmybed,knowingthatonceagainwhatIhadwithherwasabriefintermissionduringherquesttofindMr.Right,Ijustfeel…hollow.
***
“Dude,howmanydrinkshaveyouhad?”Breakerasks.
“Notenough,”IanswerasItipbackanotherglassofScotch.
WhenIcaughtsightofKelseydressedinalightbluesundress,hairandmakeupalldone,herdecisionwasclear—shewasgivingDerekanothershot,andthistime,he’llfuckingkissher.So,Iwenttomyphone,askedtheconciergetobringupabottleofScotchandsomeofthosefancyballsofice,andthat’swhatI’vebeendoingeversincesheleft.
Drinking.
Inmyshorts.
IshoweredbecauseIdidn’twanttositinmyfilthallday,butIdidnothingwithmyhair.I’vespentthedaysofardrinkingandwatchingPlanetEarthdocumentaries,lettingDavidAttenboroughsoothemymassacredsoul.
Ifyou’rewonderingifit’sworked…
Ithasnot.
ButatleastIhaven’tbeenentirelyalone.
Nope,Scotchandthethreatofpolarbearslosingtheirhomeshaslivedwithmethroughthismoment.
That,andmythousandsoftextmessagestoBreakerabouthowweneedtodomoreforthepolarbears,whichresultedinmedonatingtotheWorldWildlifeFund,earmarkedtoSavethePolarBear,whichofcoursemademefeelguiltythatIwascheatingonthepigeons.So,Iendedupdonatinganothertenthousandtothepigeons.
AfterIsenthimfivepicturesofpigeonsthatneedtobefosteredoradopted,hecalledme.
“Andwhat’swiththepigeonpictures?ShouldIbeworried?Thosethingsshitallovertheplace,sodoyoureallywanttoadoptone?”
“Youshitallovertheplace,”Isay.“Don’ttalkaboutthepigeonslikethat.Therearethousandsofpigeonsbeingeuthanizedbecausenoonewantstoadoptthem.Noonewantstotakecareoftheirvetbills.Everyonewantstobethepersonwhosavesthecutekittenwithoneeye,thedoginawheelchair,ortherabbitwithnoteeth.Butwhatabouttheflightlesspigeons?Forfuck’ssake,who’stakingcareofthem?”
“Hey,JP,dude…areyouhavingamentalhealthcrisis?”
“No,”Ishoutandstand.“I’mnot.I’mjustaconcernedcitizen.Youwalkaroundthesestreets,nevernoticingpigeons,thinkingthey’rejustanaccessorytoaBobRosslandscape,andthen,bam,youhearpigeonsarebeingeuthanizedandtheworldcomestumblingdownaroundyou.Sure,Isavedthepolarbearstodaybecauselookingatthoseemaciatedmotherfuckersmademephysicallyillbut,dude,I’mgoingtostartagoddamncampaign,andthelogowillbeapigeoninflight.Andthemoneywillgotosavingallthepigeonsbecausenoonecaresaboutthem.Noonethinksthey’reworththeirtime.Justbecauseapigeonmighthaveafucked-upchildhoodandcan’tflyliketherestofthebirds,thatdoesn’tmeanthatthepigeonshouldbeisolated.”
“Uh…JP,areyou…areyouapigeon?”
“I’mafuckingman,younimrod!JesusChrist,areyouevenlisteningtome?”
“Areyoulisteningtoyourself?”
“Iam.Iamlistening,andI’mprettysureI’mtheonlyonewhofuckingcaresaboutthoseangelic,stout-bodiedbirds.”
“So,areyougoingtoadoptone?”
“What?God,no.Fuck,imaginemewithagoddamnpigeon.WhatthehellwouldIdowithit?”
“Ihonestlydon’tknow,dude.Yousoundlikeyouneedahobbyorafriend.”
“Oragirlfriend,”ImutterasIsitbackdowninmychair.
“Agirlfriend?”Breakerasks.“Tellmemoreaboutthis,becauseasfarasIknow,you’veneverreallywantedone.”
“Well,youknowwhat,fuckstick?Peoplechange.Okay?Whycan’tanyoneseethat?Peoplefuckingchange,andIthinkit’stimethatweallsitdown,haveaglassofwine,andtalkabouthowsomeonenamedafreakingpigeonKazooandgotawaywithit.”
“What’swrongwiththenameKazoo?”
“It’ssuchaslapinthefacetothepigeoncommunity.Let’snamethismajesticfeatheredfriendafterasimpletwenty-fivecentchild’stoythatgivesthevocalistatimbralqualitywhenplayingit.”
“Iloveyou,man,butIreallythinkyou’velostit.”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Nope,I’mseeingthingssofuckingclearlyrightnow.Likeagoddamncrystal.”
“Itseemslikethatcrystalisfoggy.”
“Fuck,doyouknowwhatIshoulddo?”
“Seekacounselor?”
“Ishouldsendanemail.”
“Uh,whatsortofemail?Youknow,sendingemailswhileintoxicatedisneveragoodidea.”
“I’mnotintoxicated.I’mfinallyseeingthingsthewaythatIshould.”
“Andhowisthat?”Breakerasks.
“Well,Iwantagirlfriend,andIneedadateforthewedding,soIshouldsendanemail.”
“Wait,canwegobacktothis‘wantingagirlfriend’thing?Where’sthiscomingfrom?”
“Dude,can’tyoufuckingkeepup?”
“No,Ireallycan’t.Onemomentyou’retalkingaboutpigeons,andthenextyou’resayingyou’regoingtosendanemailaboutgirlfriends.Ireallythinkweshouldslowdown,reelitin,andmaybedrinksomecoffee.”
Iheaveaheavysigh.“Christ,ItoldyouhowIlikeKelsey,howtheurgetobearoundherissoconsumingthatIfeellike…fuck,IfeellikeIcan’tbreathe.She’ssofuckingpretty,andhersmilemakesmehappy,andthewayshelaughscreatesaboltofluststraighttomycock.Andshe’ssoweirdandquirkyandlikeslovebutisterribleatitforsomereason.Andfuckissheuptightaboutthingslikeorganizationandshelovesbeingright,butIlikethataboutherbecauseshe’sneuroticandI’mabitneuroticinmyownway—fuckingpigeons,youknow,man—soIthinkwe’dmakeagreatfuckingcouplebutshedoesn’tlikemeandjustwantstobemyfriendbecauseshethinksthatI’mjustsomeplayerwhocan’tcommitand,sure,maybethat’sinmypast,butlikeIsaid,peoplechangeandIwanttochangeforher,butshedoesn’twanttoseethatsoshefriend-zonedmeandshe’snowgoingoutwithDerek,whodidn’tevenfuckingkissheronthefirstdate,whatadouche.Heshookherhand.Like,dude,haveyoufuckingseenthisgirl?She’snothandshakematerial,she’smarriagematerial.She’sthegirlthatyoutakehometoyourparents.Youdon’tfuckingshakeherhandattheendofadate,youkissher,claimher,makeheryours.Well,she’sgoingoutwithhimagain,soIneedagirlfriend,soI’mgoingtosendanemail.”
“Ah…fuck.Andanemailtowho?”
“Toeveryone.”
“Youknow,Ireallythinkweshouldn’tdotheemailthing.Thatseemslikeabadidea.”
“Itseemslikeagreatonetome.”
“Becauseyou’redrunk,”Breakersays.“Spendingfiftygrandonpigeonsseemslikeagoodideatoyou.”
“Itwasonlytwentygrandaltogether.Fuck,shouldithavebeenfifty?”
“That’snotthepoint.Ithinkyoushouldjustcalmdown,takeadeepbreathand,JP,ifyoureallylikeher,Ithinkyoushouldtrytodateher.”
“AndhowdoyousupposeIgoaboutdoingthat?”
“Ihavesomeideas,butIdon’tthinksayingthemrightnowisgoingtohelpyou.Notsureyou’llretainanything.I’mgoingtotextyou,andyoucanreaditinthemorning,whenyourmindis…fresh.”
“I’mfreshasfuckrightnow.”
“It’scutethatyouthinkthat.Listen,don’temailanybodyrightnow.That’sabadidea.Maybecapthatbottleyou’redrinkingfrom,gogetsomefood,andparkitinyourroomfortherestofthenight.Youdon’twanttosayordosomethingstupid.IfyoureallylikeKelsey,thenletmehelpyoufigureoutawaytoshowthat.”
“Thinkapigeonwillcarryanotetoher?”
“Greatpossibility,man.”
Isighagain.“Okay.”
“Okay?So,you’regoingtogogetsomefood,andwe’lltalkinthemorning.”
“Yeah.”
“Andnoemailing.”
“Right,noemailing.”
“Good.Andhey,notsureIsaidthis,butgoodjobbeingavoiceforthepigeons,man.You’redoingGod’swork.”
Iclutchmychest.“Thankyou,thatmeansalottome.”
Aftersomegoodbyes,Ihangupfeelingmarginallybetter.IsavedthepolarbearsandthepigeonsandI’mgoingtowinKelsey.Whataproductiveafternoon.
Pleasedwithmyself,IcaptheScotchbottlelikeBreakersaid,pickupmyemptyglass,andheadtowardthekitchen.Justthen,Ihearthedooropen,andIpauseinthehallway,holdingmybreath.
She’shome.
DoIwanthertoseemelikethis?
Probablynot.
IknowItoldBreakerIwasn’tdrunk,butlet’scallaspadeaspade—I’mfuckingsittingprettyrightnow,andIdon’tneedtomessupanythingwithKelseybecauseScotchhasbeenmymistressthisafternoon.So,Ispinonmyheelandheadformybedroom,butIstopwhenIhearamalevoice.
Iquicklyturnbackaround.Nofuckingwaydidshebringhimbackhere.
Islidealongthewall,hopingtostayundetectedasIattempttoeavesdroponaconversationI’venorightlisteningto.
Igrowcloserandcloser.ThenIhearKelsey.
“Thankyousomuchforwalkingmeuphere.Youreallydidn’thaveto.”
Yeah,youdidn’thaveto,fucker.She’smorethancapable,she’sdoneitmanytimesalready.
“Ijustfeltbad,thewayIleftyoulasttime.”
Becauseyou’reamoron.
“Well,thankyou.Ihadanicetime,”Kelseysaysinhersweetvoice,andIswearifIhearthemkiss,I’llfuckingmeltintoapuddleofdespairrighthere.
“Metoo.”
Iholdmybreath.
Iwaitforthetelltalesoundoftwomouthscolliding.
I’mtemptedtowhiparoundthecornerandwatchdesperatelyastheysaygoodbye.
“I’llcallyou,”Derekfinallysays,andIcan’ttelliftheykissed,hugged,orshookhandsagain,butit’snearlykillingme.
“Okay,soundsgood.Haveagoodrestofyourday.”
Thedoorshuts,andIstandthereagainstthewall,unmovingasIattempttotellmyselftomove,togetoutofhere,tonotlooklikeapeepingTom.Buttheunknownofwhetherornottheykissediskeepingmeinplace,mymindreeling.Whatisshefeelingrightnow?
“JP?”sheasks,lookingdownthehallwayatmeplasteredagainstthewall,tumblerinonehand,Scotchintheother.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Errrr…
WhatamIdoing?
Well,honesttruth—tryingtodecideifIneedtofinishthisbottlebasedonifhekissedyouornot.
Butthatdoesn’tseemlikeasafeanswer.Eveninmydrunkenstate,Iknowthat’snotasafeanswer,soIgowiththesecond-bestthing…
“Smelling.”
“Smelling?”sheasks,herfacetighteninginconfusion.“Whatareyousmelling?”
“Thewall,”Ianswer,andthentomyhorror,Ispinaround,plantmynoserightonthewall,andtakeabigoldwhiff.
Whoa…whydoesthatsmelllikekielbasa?
“Whyareyousmellingthewall?”
Great,solidquestion.
Andunfortunately,Idon’thaveagreat,solidanswertomatchit.
“Favoritepastime,”Isay.“Smellawallinyoursparetime.Anyway,soyou’rebackfromyourdate.”
“Areyouokay?”sheasks,takingastepcloser.
“Fine,”Ianswer,grippingtheneckofthebottletighter.“Just,uh,thirsty.”IholduptheScotch.“Goingbacktomyroom.Watchingadocumentaryaboutdyingpolarbears.Don’tworry,Idonatedtohelpthem…andthepigeons.”Iswallow.“Anyway,justgoingtodothat.But,yeah,gladyouhadanicetimeandyoulook…youlookbeautifulinthatdress.Butthat’sneitherherenorthere.It’sjustanobservation.”Mythroatgrowstight.Whyisittightening?AmI…fuck,amIfeelingemotion?
“JP,areyousureyou’reokay?”
“Yeah,”Ichokeout.“Sorryifthatbeautifulcommentmadeyoufeelweird.Ijust…Ijustthinkthatyoulookreallynice.Reallypretty.Butyouknow,you’redatingDerek.Washiskissgood?”Iholdupthebottle.“Wait,don’tanswerthat.Idon’twanttoknow.Noneofmybusiness.Idon’twanttoknow.Ijust…man,thosepolarbears,they’rereallythin.Youcanseetheirribs.AndI’mgoingtowritealettertothepigeonplace,andtellthemtheyshouldn’tnameapigeonKazoo.HelooksmorelikeaKevin.Justmyhonestopinion.So,yeah,okay.Well,I’ll,uh,seeyoulater.”
Iturnandpracticallyruntomyroom.Islamthedoorandlockitforsafekeeping.
Fuck,whatwasthatshit?
Embarrassing,that’swhatitwas.
IsetdownmyScotchglassonmynightstandandpourmyselfmultiplefingers.Ican’timaginewhatshemustthinkofme,butitcan’tbegood.AndDerek,fuck,Ithinktheykissed.Ididn’thearanylipsmacking,buttheymightbequietkissers.ThatmotherfuckerkissedherbeforeIdidandthatstings.
Iknowherbetter.
We’vebeenacquaintedforlonger.
I’vepinedafterthisgirlforfuckingmonths.
Andhekissedherfirst.
Idon’tevenknowthefucker,butitmakesmesogoddamn…sad.
Fuck.
Itipbackmytumbler,suckingdownsomemoreScotch.Idon’tlikethispainI’mfeeling.Idon’tliketheseemotionssouringthroughme.Idon’tlikeanyofit.Iwanttobenumb.Iwanttonothavetodealwiththeseself-deprecatingthoughts.Idon’twanttothinkabouttheirdate,whattheydidordidn’tdo,orifshe’stextinghimrightnow.Orifshe’stellingLottiehowmuchshelikesDerek,howshewantstotakehimtothewedding.
Thewedding…
Ispendthenexthalfhourdowningtherestofthebottleuntilthere’sonlyaninchleft.
Icryaboutthepolarbears,watchingthemalloveragain.
Isendanemailtothepigeonplace,inquiringaboutKazoo.
AndItextBreakerthatI’maloserwhomasturbatestoexhalations.
Andsometimeinthenight,whenI’mjustaboutreadytopassout,Isendonemoreemailfrommyprivateaccount.
To:McKayla,Kenzie,Hattie,Eileen,Barbie,Olivia,Betty,Rita,Jessica,Tess,Pauline,Dominique,Miranda,Cara
From:JPCane
Subject:BemyDate
Heyladieeees,
Sendingabigoldcockofanemailbecause,youknow…Ihaveabigcock,sothisemailhastomatch.
Here’sthething.HuxisgettingmarriedtoLuluLemonandtheytoldmeIneedaplus-one.Lookingforawillingcandidatetoescortmedowntheaisle.
Allexpensespaid.Promisesofpleasure.
Ifinterested,hitmeup.
Iwearcondomsstill.
K.Bye.
JP
***
Fuck.
Me.
Ohhhh…fuck.
Mystomachrolls,mybodyheaves,andI’mclutchingmytoilet,pukingforthethirdtimethismorning.
Please,Jesus,makeitstop.Ipromisetoneverdrinkthatmuchagain,justmake…the…puking…
Fuck.
Mybodyrearsback,mystomachrevolts,andonceagain,Iletitripuntilthere’snothingleftinsideme.
Islidetothebathroomfloorandrestmyheatedcheekonthecoldtile.
Ifhellwasaplace,Iimagineitbeingthis,overandoveragain.Ahangoverwithaconstant,throbbingheadacheandmatchingnausea.
Itakeafewdeepbreathsasmyphonebuzzesnexttomeonthefloor.Needingadistraction,Ilookandseethatit’sBreaker.
Breaker:Areyoualivethismorning?YoutextedmeapictureofKazooeleventimeslastnight,allinarow.Thatleadsmetobelieveyoudidn’tstopdrinking.
IleanagainstthewallasItexthimback.
JP:IthinkIuseduponeofmyliveslastnight.I’mprettysureIjustthrewupaboot.
Breaker:Whatthehellhappenedto“gogetsomefood”?
JP:Kelsey’sdatewalkedherbacktothepenthouse.Ithinktheykissed.Ilostit,man.Itoldheraboutthepigeons,rambledaboutsickpolarbears,toldhershewasbeautiful,andthenwentbacktomyroomwhereIblackedout.So…yeah.
Breaker:Jesus.So,youdidn’tlistentomeatall.
JP:Nope.
Breaker:So,whatareyougoingtodothismorning?
JP:Sofar,retching.Notsurewhattheplanisafterthat.
Breaker:Doyoureallylikeher?Like…youwanttogoforthis?
JP:Ithinkafterlastnight’sevents,ifIdon’tatleasttry,I’mgoingtodrinkmyselfintoanoblivion.
Breaker:Doyouhaveanyplans?
JP:Notevenone.
Breaker:Okay,first,youneedtostopbeingadicktoher,becausethat’snotwinningherover.Andstartbeingherfriend.
JP:Herfriend?I’malreadythere.Shefriend-zonedme.
Breaker:Good,becausenowyoucanhangoutwithherwithoutthepressureofsex.Showherthatyou’refun,thatyou’reagoodmatchforher.Youknowtheattractionisthere,butyouneedtoworkonthepersonality.
JP:Ifyouhaven’tnoticed,I’mnotverygoodatcontrollingmyemotions.
Breaker:Notanexcuse.Justworkharder.Ifyouwanthertobewithyou,youneedtoshowherthatyoucanbethemanshewants.Youneedtowooher.
JP:Wooher?Fuck…don’tusethatterm.
Breaker:Butthat’sthetermshe’duse.She’saromantic.Youhavetodothingsthatshe’dnotice,thingsthatmatter.Makehermeals,pulloutherchair,bringhomethingsthatremindyouofher.Littletoucheshereandthere.Andwhenyou’reinthepenthouse,hangingout,sitclosetoher.Don’tmakeitsexual,butletherknowyou’rethere.
JP:Whomadeyoutheexpertatthisshit?
Breaker:Noone,butI’mprettydamnsureIhaveabetterideathanyouatthismoment.
JP:Fuck…fine.
Breaker:And,fortheloveofGod,don’tgoouttherethismorninguntilyou’redonepuking.
JP:Trustme,I’msmartenoughtorealizethat.ChapterSeventeen
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
GriffinandRen
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.GriffinandRen,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.
Griffin:Sure.WhenRentoldmeaboutthepodcast,Ithoughtourstorywasinterestingenoughtotalkabout.
Ren:Interestingenoughisagoodwaytoputit.TellKelseyaboutTheCurse.
Griffin:*Sighs*IwasinNewOrleanswithmybrothers,anditwasadrunkennightwhenwestumbleduponapalmreader.Longstoryshort,shedidaterriblepalmreading,wevoicedouropinion,andthen—mybrothersandIwillswearonthis—shecursedus.
Kelsey:Whatwasthecurse?
Griffin:Brokenlove.Itwasintense,thewindswirledandeverything.
Ren:WeliveinasmalltowncalledPortSnow,inMaine,andtheentiretownknewaboutthiscurse.Theboyswereuntouchable.AndtoGriffin’sdefense,hedidlosehiswiferightafterthetrip,sohewasscaredtotrytofindloveagain.
Kelsey:So,howdidyoumeet?
Griffin:Renwaslookingforafreshstart.ShegotateachingjobinPortSnow.CameallthewayfromCalifornia.
Ren:IwasdrivingtoPortSnowinwhatfeltlikethebackwoods,andIwasn’tpreparedforincomingtraffic.
Griffin:Whenshesaysincomingtraffic,shemeans,incomingmoose.
Kelsey:Moose?
Ren:Yup,amoosecameoutontheroad,Iswervedandrolleddownahill,andmycargotstuckbetweentwotrees.Griffinisavolunteerfirefighterandpulledmeoutofmyvehicle.Iwasslightlyinsanethatdayandhehelpedmegettomyrental,whichhappenedtobeaplacehisbrotherowned.
Griffin:Despiteherscreamingatmeandtheblooddrippingdownherheadfromacut,Ithoughtshewasbeautiful.Sheintriguedme,anditwasthefirsttimesincemywifepassedthatIfeltattraction.Andthen,soonafter,IbelievedIcoulddateagain.Renwasmymiracle.
Kelsey:Aww.I’msogladtohearthat.So,youstarteddating?
Ren:Notquite.Itdidn’thappenthatfast,though,because,youknow…thecurse.
Griffin:*chuckles*Don’tbustmyballsonapodcastaboutthat.
Ren:Oh,Kelseysaidwehaveanhour.TrustmewhenIsayIwillbetalkingaboutthecurseforthatentiretime.
Griffin:Great.
***
I’dliketosaythepenthouseissoundproof,thatIcan’thearwhatJPisdoingandhecan’thearwhatI’mdoing,butIthinkafterthewholewalkinginonhimwhilehewaspleasuringhimselfsituation,weknowthat’snotthetruth.
Foragoodportionofthelasttwentyminutes,I’veheardJPthrowupmultipletimes.I’dbeconcernedthathewassick,butgiventhebottleofScotchhewasholdinglastnight,Iknowthat’snotthecase.
Thismeans,hegotcompletelywastedlastnightandhe’sbattlingtheeffectsofitthismorning.
Whydidhegetdrunklastnight?Whywashetalkingaboutpolarbearsandpigeons?Well,probablybecausehewasdrunk.
HealsosaidIwasbeautiful,andI’dbelyingifIsaidthatdidn’tmakemefeelallwarminside.Becauseitdid.
Eitherway,itkeptmeupallnight,andnow,thismorning,asIsitonthecouch,rereadingthesamesentenceinmybookoverandoveragainbecauseIcan’tconcentrate,I’mwaitingforhimtocomeoutofhisroom.
Myphonebuzzesonthecoffeetable,andIseeit’satextfromLottie.
Needingthedistractionfrommythoughts,Ipickitup.
Lottie:Howwasthedatelastnight?ElliesaidDerekhadagoodtime.Youhaven’tsaidmuch.Notfeelinghim?Also…remindmetotellyouwhatEllietoldmeaboutJP.
Thatlastparthasmyattention.Iquicklyreply.
Kelsey:Datewasgood.Derekisreallysweet.Notsureifhe’sfeelingme.Didn’tkissmeagainlastnight,buthedidgivemeahug.Idon’tknow.It’skindofawkward.WhatdidElliesayaboutJP?
Lottie:Hedidn’tkissyou?Sheesh,talkabouttakingitslow.Oh,shesaidherfriendisabartenderwhowasattheMayor’sBall.SheservedJPaScotchandoverheardaconversationbetweenhimandRegisStallone.
TheconversationJPwouldn’ttellmeabout.Immersedinmyphonenow,Itextherbackimmediately.
Kelsey:Whathappened?WhatdidJPsay?
Lottie:Idon’thaveitwordforword,butshesaidJPwasincrediblyhotwhenhespoketoRegis.RegiswasstaringoutatthedancefloorwhileJPstaredathim.Shementionedhiscarvedjawlineandhowtenseitwasashespokethroughclenchedteeth.Sheheardhimsaythatyou’reavaluablepartoftheteam,andifhefuckswithyou,thenhe’sdone.That’sparaphrased.Basically,JPwasputtinghiminhisplace.
Ileanbackonthecouch,rereadingLottie’stextoverandoveruntilitsinksin.
Hewasdefendingme?IknowRegisdoesn’tlikeme,butfromwhatLottie’ssaying,JPwon’tsettleforthat.
Kelsey:Wow,Ihadnoidea.
Lottie:Yeah,andthensheheardrumblingslaterabouthowJPwasn’ttakinganyshitfromRegis.Itwasthegossipoftheparty.OneofthemainreasonsnoonefuckswithCaneEnterprises.So,Iguess,consideruslucky.Wesomehowgotonthegoodsideofsomeofthemostpowerfulmeninthecountry.
Kelsey:Iguessso.
Thescufflingofapproachingfeetgrabsmyattention,andIlookupjustintimetospotJPappearinthelivingroom,tuggingonhiswethair,lookinglikehell,butcleanhellatthat.
Isetdownmyphoneandsay,“Goodmorning.Howareyoufeeling?”
Whenhespeaks,hisvoicecomesoutraspy.“Beenbetter.”Hewinces,asifhehasaheadache,andasks,“Didyouhearme?”
“Idid.I’massumingyourtriptothebathroomwasaresultofthebottleofScotchIsawyouwithlastnight?”
Hisshouldersdroopashewalksfartherintothelivingroom.“Unfortunately.”
Knock.Knock.“Roomservice,”someonecallsoutfromtheothersideofthedoor.
“Thatwouldbemygarbageplate,”hesays,walkingovertotheentryway.Heopensitandletstheroomserviceattendantwheelinacartoffood.
“Goodmorning,Mr.Cane.Everythingyouorderedishere.Ifyouneedanythingelse,pleasedon’thesitatetoask.”
“Thankyou,”JPsaysashesignsthebill.
Whenthedoorisshutandwe’realoneagain,JProllsthecartintothelivingroom,nudgesthecoffeetableoutoftheway,andthentakesaseatnexttomeonthecouch.
“Iorderedyousomethings,incaseyoudidn’teatbreakfastyet.”Hetakesafewtopsofftheplatesandrevealsapileofcroissantsandatrayofbeautifullycut-upfruit,andthenhemovesatrayofhotwater,tea,honey,andjamstowardme.
“Yougotthisforme?”Iaskinawe.
“Youseemedlikeatea-and-croissantkindofperson.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,Icangetyousomethingelse.”
“No,thisis…well,thisislovely,thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.”HetakesthetopoffhisplateandIcan’thelpthequeasylookonmyface.
“Nottoberude,but,uh…whatisthat?”
“Hangovercure.”Hepicksupaforkandpointsathisplate.“Hashbrownswithrefriedbeans,baconandsteak,eggsscrambledandovereasy,drenchedinaV8sauce.”
*Gags*
“Oh…wow,that’s,uh,that’ssomething.”
Heglancesatmeashejamshisforkintothepile.“Doyouwantmetoeatthissomewhereelse?”
“What?No.”
“Icantellitdisgustsyou.”
“Itdoesn’tdisgustme,it’sjust…interesting.I’veneverseensomethinglikeitbefore.Twodifferentkindsofeggs,veryfascinating.AndthatV8,it’spotent.”
Thesmallestofsmirkstugsatthecornerofhislip.“I’lleatitinthekitchen.”
Hegoestostand,butIputmyhandonhisforearmtostophim.“No,pleasedon’tleave.It’sfine,really,andIdon’twanttohaveyousittingovertherewhileIshovecroissantsinmymouth.I’drathernoteatalone.”
“Yousure?”heasks.
“Positive.”
“Okay.”Hemoveshisforkaroundhismealandthentakesalargemouthful.Ijuststareashechews,wonderinghowonearthhecaneatthatafterthemarathonofpukinghedidinhisbathroom.
“Thatdoesn’tbotheryourstomach?”
“Helpsit,actually.SomethingIlearnedinmycollegedays.”Hereachesforhisglassofwaterandtakesasip.“Didyounothaveahangovercureincollege?”
“Ididn’tdrinkmuch.Stilldon’t.”
“Ahh,it’sbecauseyou’reagoodgirl.”Hewinksandtakesanothermouthfulofhisfood.
“MaybeIam,butatleastI’mnotpukingoutmyintestinesthenextmorning,”Ireply.
Hesmirks.“Notmyintestines,butIdidtellBreakerImighthaveseenabootcomeoutofme.”
Thatmakesmesnortandcovermynose.“OhGod,Isnorted.Ignorethat.”
“Nah,justaddittoyourlistofgoodgirlthings.”
“Doonlygoodgirlssnort?”
“Yup.”Hepicksupthepepperfromthetableanddustssomeacrosshisplate.Itakethatmomenttosteepmyteaandprepareacroissantwithstrawberryjam.
“Areyoufeelingbetter,atleast?”
“Imean,asbestasIcan.Sortofembarrassed.Didn’tthinkyoucouldhearme.”
“Idon’tthinkthere’smuchprivacyinthesewalls,despitehowfancytheplaceis.”
“AnotetobringuptoHuxleywhenItalktohimnext.”Heliftshisnapkinandwipeshismouth.
WhenIthinkhe’sgoingtosaymoreandhedoesn’t,Iask,“Areyouokay?I’msureyou’resickofmeaskingthat,butitseemsasthoughsomethingwasbotheringyouifyoudrankthatmuchalone.”
Hiseyesconnectwithmine,andforthefirsttimesinceI’veknownhim,Iseeahintofshamecrossthemashelooksdown.JPdoesn’tnormallyshowvulnerability.He’drathershielditorlaughitoff,alwayspresentinghimselfasthestrong,domineeringtype.Buthere,onthecouch,asheeatsbreakfast,Icanseeitwrittenalloverhisface.
“YoumustthinkI’maloser,huh?”heasks,pushinghisfoodaroundonhisplate.
“Notatall,”Isay,settingdownmycroissantandturningtowardhim.“I’mjustconcerned.YouseememotionallyerraticattimesandIwishyou’dtalktomeaboutit.Imean,Igetthatwe’renotfriends,orthatyoudon’twanttobefriends—”
“Ido,”hesays,surprisingme.“Iwanttobefriends.”
“What?”Iask,entirelyconfusednow.“ButIthought—”
“Youthoughtcorrectly.Itoldyouwecan’tbefriendsand,sure,maybeapartofmestillbelievesthat,butI’malso”—hepullsonthebackofhisneck—“fuck,Ihaveahardtimelettingpeopleintomylife.”Hisgazematchesmine.“Have,uh…haveLottieorHuxleyevertalkedtoyouaboutmydad?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead,feelmypulsepickup.
JPleansbackonthecouchandstaresattheceiling.“Growingup,beingsocloseinagetomybrothers,wewereallateachother’sthroats.Huxleyconstantlypushedboundaries,andalwaystriedtobethebest,thefirst.Breakerwastheeasygoingonewhojustwentwiththeflow.Didn’treallycaremuchaboutanythingotherthandoingtherightthingandhavingagoodtime.AndthenIkindofwanderedaround,attemptingtofindmyplace.Neverreallydid.NeverfeltlikeIbelonged…unlessIwashangingwithmydad.Hedidn’tgetmuchtimeoff,hewasdrivenlikeHuxley,butthetimeIdidgetwithhim,hemademefeellikeImeantsomething.LikeIhadsomethingspecialtooffertheworld.”
“Whatwouldyouguysdo?”Iask.Frankly,I’msosurprisedthathe’ssharing,butI’malsosoakingupeveryounceofit.
“Gotothebattingcages.We’ddofiveroundseach,grabalemonadeandnachosfromtheconcessionstand,thensitatourfavoritepicnictableandjusttalk.Thereweredayswherewetalkedforlonger,andsomedayswedidn’ttalkatall.BreakerandHuxleywereneverthatclosewithDad.Theynevercamewithus,sowhenhepassedaway,Isufferedfromthelossthemost.”Hiseyesconnectwithmine.“Iknow,eversincelosinghim,Ihaven’tallowedmanypeopleinmylifeforfearoflosingthem.Itdidn’ttakemelongtofigurethatout.”
“Hencewhyyoudon’twanttobefriends.”
“Exactly,”heexhales.“Butwithyou,Kelsey,itjustdoesn’tseemlikeI’mabletoshakeyouoff,nomatterhowhardItry.Ilikehangingoutwithyou.”
Asmilespreadsacrossmylips.“Ilikehangingoutwithyoutoo,JP.”
“So,thenIguessit’ssettled.”Hesitsbackup,stabshisforkintothemiddleofhisplatefuloffood,andscoopsupagiantmouthful.“We’refriendsdespitetheoddsofthathappeningbecause,youknow…Istillbelievemenandwomenwhoworktogethercan’tbefriends.”
Irollmyeyes.“I’msureyoudo,becauseyoucan’tpossiblybewrongaboutanything,right?”
“Correct.”Hesmirks.
“Okay,sowe’refriends,whichleadsmetoask…whydidyougetdrunklastnight?”
Heglancesawayandpushesmorefoodaroundonhisplate.“Howaboutwesavethatquestionforanotherday?Let’sjustfocusonthenewbondwehave.”
Idon’tlikepushingwhateverwasbotheringhimaside,butIalsolikethisnewsideofhim.Heseemsmore…free,soI’mnotgoingtopushit.
“IthinkIcanmanagethat.”
“Good.”Hesipshiswateragain.“Wanttocatchamovietoday?There’sanold-schooltheaterneartheAngelicaBuildingthatrunsoldmovies.Iheardthey’replayingsomesortofromcomtwo-for-onespecial.”
Iperkup.“Like…tworomcomsinarow?”
Henods.“Yup.Ibelieveit’sWhenHarryMetSallyandHe’sJustNotThatIntoYou.”
Iclapmyhandstogether.“Ooo,goodones.Andyou’dgowithme?”
“Wouldn’tsuggestitifIdidn’twantto.”
“ButIthoughtyoudidn’tlikemovieslikethat?”
Heshrugs.“Iknowyoulikethem,so,theycan’tbetoobad,right?Plus,reviewssaytheirpopcornissaltyandmakesyourlipsburn.That’smykindofpopcorn.”
“Idoloveasaltypopcorn,aswell.Okay,let’sdoit,butwehavetodosomethingyouwanttodoafter…that’sifyoudon’thaveplans.”
“Myplansconsistofhangingoutwithyou,babe.”
“Okay.”Mysmilegrowsevenwider.“Thenwhatdoyouwanttodoafter?”
Iwatchhimchewthoughtfullyandthenhesays,“Atouristything.”
“What?Seriously?ButIthoughtthatwasbeneathyou?”
Hechuckles.“Hatetoadmitit,butyourtouristyoutingwehadwasentertaining.HowaboutanighttimetourofAlcatraz?”
Myeyeswiden.“That’swaytoocreepy.”
Helevelsmewithaglare.“Hey,I’mgoingtotheromcommarathon.AndyousaidwecoulddoanythingIwanted,soIsaywedothat.”
“Aslongasyouhavenoproblemwithmeburyingmyheadinyourchesttheentiretime.”
“Trustme,babe.Noproblemwiththatatall.”Hesmirksandtakesanotherbiteofhisfood.
***
“Kelsey,youcanopenyoureyes,”JPwhispersintomyearasIclingtightlytohisarm.“It’snotlikeamonsterisgoingtopopout.”
“Youdon’tknowthat,”Iwhisper.
“Babe,openyoureyes.”
Iopenoneeyeandthentheother,andthemainhallofprisoncellscomesintoview.BecauseJPcan’tdoanythingthe“peasant”way,hebookedusabehind-the-scenestour,sowe’realonewithatourguide,walkingthroughtheeeriehallsofAlcatraz.Iwould’vepreferredmorepeople.
“See,notsobad,”JPsays.
Stillclingingtohim,Ilookaroundandsay,“Ihonestlyfeellikemyskiniscrawling.Isyourskincrawling?Thereareghostseverywhere.”
“Accordingtolegend,”Kathy,ourtourguide,says,“Alcatrazisoneofthemosthauntedplacesinthecountry.”
“Oh…lovely,”Isay,pressingmybodyclosertoJP.“Oneofthemosthaunted,can’thearthatenough.”
“Ifyouwanttotakeacloserlookattheprisoncells,pleasefeelfree,”Kathysays,gesturingtothecoldsteelbarslinedupagainstthewallasshegivesussomespace.
“Canwegetinone?”
“Ofcourse,”Kathysays.
“Uh…areyouinsane?Iamnotgettinginoneofthosecells.”
“Whynot?”JPasks.“Once-in-a-lifetimeopportunity.”
“Neverbeeninaprisoncell,neverplanonbeinginone.”
JPchucklesandpullsmeclosertothecells.Iletgoofhisarmashestepsinsideone.“Shit,thesearesmall.You’dhavetogetcreativewithhowtoworkwiththisspace.”Hegripsthecellbarsandasks,“HowdoIlook?”
“Deranged.”
Aloudcreakingsoundechoesthroughthedankhalls,andthenintheblinkofaneye,JP’scelldoorslidesshut,causingmetogaspandJPtoletoutthegirliestscreamI’veeverheard.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Fromdownthehall,Kathylaughs,makingusbothturntowardher.Shepressesabuttonandthecellopensagain.
“Jesus…fuck,”JPsaysashestepsoutofthecellandglaresatKathy.“Ididnotpayforthescarefactor.”
“It’sfreeofcharge.”Shesmiles.
“Fuck.”Hewalksuptomeandwhispers,“Myscrotumhasshriveledupintomystomach.Won’thaveballsfordaysafterthat.”
Icovermymouthandchuckle.“Stilllovingtheideaofbeinghereatnight?”
“Slightlyrethinking.Didn’tknowKathyfromNightmareAlleywasgoingtobeourtourguide.”
“I’mhereallnight,”Kathycallsout,stillsmiling.
“JesusChrist,she’sintherightlineofwork.”Heletsoutadeepbreathandthensays,“Iwasabouttosay,thatwouldn’tbethefirsttimeIwasbehindbars.”
“Umm…what’sthatnow?”
HelendsouthisarmtomeandIhangontoitaswewalktowardSatan’smistress.“Iwasincollege.Shortlyaftermydadpassedaway.Publicintoxication.Somebullshitthinglikethat.IthinkIpeedonsomeoldlady’stree.ShecalledthecopsandIwasarrested.Huxley,ofcourse,cameflyinginliketheknightinshiningarmorthatheisandhadeverythingremovedfrommyrecord,andthenthreatenedtoremovemefromschoolifIeverdidsomethinglikethatagain.”
“Sounds…sad.Seemslikeyouneededsomeonetocareforyou.Youweregoingthrougharoughtime.”
“Yeah,alcoholcaredforme.Alcoholhasalwaysbeenthereforme.”
“Yourealizehowunhealthythatis?”
“Yup,butneversaidIwascompletelyhealthy.Workingonit,though.Onedayatatime.”
“Shallweseetheshowerroom?”Kathyaskswhenwereachher.
“Absolutely,”JPsays,leadingtheway.
WespendthenexthourlisteningtoKathytellusaboutthemanydifferentinmateswhoattemptedtoescape,howtheyescaped,andtheoutcome.Despiteitbeingdark,creepy,andnotsomethingI’dprobablyeverchoosetodoonmyown,Iactuallyenjoyedmyselfimmensely.Thestorieswereentertaining,thehistoryunlikeanythingI’veeverheard,andofcourse,listeningtoJPaskintensequestionswasfun,too.
Nowthatwe’reontheferryrideback,sittingoutsideunderthestars,Ihaveamillionquestionsrunningthroughmyhead.
“Ifyouwereeverinprisonlikethoseguys,wouldyoutrytoescape?Orwouldyoujustsufferinsilence,doingwhatneededtobedoneinordertoleaveoneday?”
“Dependsonthelengthofmysentence,”hesays,drapinghisarmacrossthebenchbehindme.“Ifitwasalongsentencing,hellyeah,I’dtrytoescape.I’ddigaholeliketheAnglinbrothers,papiermachésomeheads,andworkuntilmorning.Butifitwasliketenyears…eh,I’dwaititout.”
“Iwouldnotsurviveinprison,”Isay.“Idon’thaveitinmetoberoughandtough.”
“Becauseyou’reinnocent,”JPsays.“You’retoosweetforprison.Me,Icouldgoeitherway.IfIhadtoholdmyown,Iwould.”
“Itakeitthatmeansyou’vebeeninyourfairshareoffistfights?”
Hechuckles.“NotsureI’veheardmanypeoplecallthemfistfights—justafight—andyeah,I’vebeeninquiteafew.LikeIsaid,neverreallyfeltlikeIhadaplaceinthisworld,soIfoughtmyway,tryingtofindsomethingthatmatteredtome.”
“Haveyoufoundanythingyet?”
Ifeelhiseyesonmebeforehesays,“I’vefoundafewthings.”
“Likewhat?”
“Well,I’vefoundIreallylikehelpingpeopleandanimals.IwanttotalktoHuxleyaboutmakingtheAngelicaarent-controlledapartmentbuilding.You’dhavetofilloutanapplicationtolivethere,makelessthanacertainamountofmoney,andifyou’reasingleparent,you’rehigheronthelistofgettingaplace.”
Iturntohimnow.“JP,that’sanamazingidea,butyourealizeyou’dtakeahugehitonincome.I’msureyouknow,therenovationswehaveplannedaren’tcheap.”
“Sure,we’dtakeahit,butwe’dalsobeabletowriteitoffinourtaxes,andsometimes,it’snotalwaysaboutthemoney.Iliketheideaofbeingabletohelppeopleout.Iwasthinking,ifHuxleysaysyes,maybewecouldstartadivisioninthecompany,namedaftertheAngelica,thatfocusesonlow-incomehouseholdsthatprovidesthemwithnotjustaroofovertheirheads,butarooffilledwithopportunity.Wedonatealotofmoneytodifferentcharitiesandorganizations,butI’dlovetodosomethinginhouse,somethingthatfocusesonhelpingthepeopleinthecitieswherewemakebillions.”
“Ithinkit’sabrilliantidea,JP.”
“Yeah?”heasks,lookinginsecure.
“Ido.Isthissomethingthatwouldfulfillyou?Iknowyouhatewhatyoudonow,sowouldthishelpwiththat?”
Hesiftshishandthroughhishairashestaresoutovertheseaofblackinfrontofus.“Ireallydo.I’dactuallyfeellikeI’mdoingsomethingbeneficial.Andbeingthefaceofthat,thefaceofcollaboration—assistingthosewhoneedthatrelief—nowthat’ssomethingIcouldbehappywith.”
“Whenareyougoingtoapproachhim?”
“Whenwegetback.IstillhavesomethingsIhavetomapoutand,ofcourse,IneedtohitupBreakerforanumbersbreakdown.Ihaveafewquestionsaboutwrite-offsforhim,aswell.AndthenI’llwriteeverythingup,putitinaproposal,anddeliverittohim.Iknowhowhelikesprofessionalpresentations,soI’llmakesureit’sdeliveredthewayhelikesit.”
“Whatifhesaysno?”Iask.
“Thenhe’satotalself-centeredassandI’dbesetinstoneonsellingmystockandfindingacompanyorapassioninlifethatfulfillstheneedIhave.Ilovemybrothers,andI’vedoneeverythingthey’veaskedofme,andnowIthinkit’stimetheystepbackandseewhatIneed.”
“Wow,JP,isitweirdtosayI’mproudofyou?”
“Nah,notsureIhearthatoften,soit’snice.”
Ileanagainsthischestandsay,“Well,I’mproudofyou.”
“Thanks,babe.”
***
JP:Whereareyourightnow?
Kelsey:JustfinishedupameetingwithRegis.I’mprettysurehesneeredatmetwicebutcovereditupwithaneyetwitch.Itwasentertaining.
JP:Didhegiveyoushit?
Kelsey:No.Hewaspleasantandagreeable.
JP:Smartman.Well,I’monmywaytothepenthouse.JustgotdonewithaninterviewwithTheGazette.IwasgoingtopickupsomePho.Wantsome?
Kelsey:Youdon’tmind?
JP:WhywouldIask?
Kelsey:True.Yes,please.Soundsamazing.
JP:Ijustgettheoriginal.Doyouwantthesame?
Kelsey:Yes,thatworks.I’mheadedbacksoon.ShouldIpickusupdessert?
JP:Whatdidyouhaveinmind?
Kelsey:It’sgoingtobeasurprise.
JP:WhyamIworried?
Kelsey:Because,althoughinnocentinyoureyes,I’mstillawildcard.
JP:Verytrue.
***
Idabmymouthwithanapkinandsetmycontaineronthecoffeetable.WhenJParrived,webothchangedoutofourbusinessclothes.Hechangedintoapairofshortsandnothingelse—shocker—andIputonapairofshortsandasimpleT-shirt.IalsowashedoffmymakeupandthrewmyhairintoacliptokeepitoutofmyfacewhileIslurpedupnoodles.
WedecidedtoturnonTheOfficeforbackgroundnoisewhileweateandtalked.IfoundoutthatDwightisJP’sfavoritecharacter,Michaelbeingaclosesecond.AndI,ofcourse,beingtheromantic,saidJimandPamaremyall-timefavorites.JPjustrolledhiseyesatthat.
AlsofoundoutJPwould“bang”Janeasily,haveadrunkennightwithMeredith,andcuddleuptoPhyllisonacozynight.IadmittedtohavingaslightthingforRyan,andpossiblyinterestedinawildnightwithRobertCalifornia,whichofcoursegrossedoutJPandendedtheconversation.
“Idon’tthinkI’veeverhadPhobefore,”Isay.“I’vealwaysheardaboutitandwantedtotryit.IhatethatI’vewaitedthislong.Itwassogood.Thankyouforbringingithome.”
JP,whowasdoneabouttenminutesago,leanshisheadagainsthispropped-uphandandasks,“What’syourfavoritecuisine?”
“Mexican.”
Henods.“Fuck,Icould’veguessedthat.Thosetamalesyourmommakesarefuckingkiller.Andherhomemaderefriedbeans.Hell,I’ddoanythingyourmomwantedforthemrightnow.”
Ismile.“Iknowhowtomakethem,andit’sbeensaidthatImakethembetterthanmymom.”
JP’seyesnarrow.“Sayswho?”
“Mymom.”
“Okay,sowhatdoIhavetodotogetyoutomakemesome?”
“Howaboutthis—ifyou’renotdoinganythingtomorrownight,wecanmakethemtogether.”Whenhedoesn’tanswerrightaway,Iask,“Oh…doyouhavesomethinggoingontomorrow?Ishouldn’thaveassumed.Youhavebeenspendingquitesometimewithme.”
“Kelsey,chill.I’dlovetomakesometamaleswithyou.IwasjustthinkingaboutameetingIhaveatfour,butitshouldn’ttakelong.Shouldwestartatsix?”
“Thatwouldbeperfect.”
“Icanpickuptheingredientsifyouwant.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,that’sokay.I’mparticularaboutbrands.Trustme,itmakesadifference.”
Heholdsuphishand.“Don’twanttogetinthewayofthechef.JustletmeknowhowmuchIoweyou.”
“JP,doyoureallythinkI’lltakeyourmoney?”
“No…shouldIgrabdessert?”
Ismirk.“Ithinkwe’restartingatrend.”
“Yeah,onethat’skillingmysix-pack.”Hepatshisstomach.
“Doubtful.Youstillgetupearlyandworkout.”Ipointathisstomach.“Letmesee.”
Heslouchesinhisseatandpuffshisstomachout,makingapoorattemptatagut.It’spoorbecauseIcanstillseetheoutlineofhisabs.
“Stopthat.”Ipokehisbelly.
“Don’tplaywithmygut.I’msensitive.”
“OhmyGod,that’snotagut.Icanstillclearlyseeyourabs.Nicetry.”
“Well,ifIkeepitup,nowomanwillwanttoseemenaked.”
Thatmakesmeactuallylaughoutloud.“Onceagain,doubtful.I’ve,uh…seenenoughtoknowthatanywomanwouldwanttoseeyounaked.”
Hisbrowsraiseinsurprise.“KelseyGardner…tellmemore.”
“Oh,Jesus.”Irollmyeyes.“ThisiswhyIhesitatetocomplimentyou.Iknewthiswasgoingtohappen.”
Hescootscloserandwiggleshisbrows.“Wereyouimpressedwithmybody?Howaboutmypenis?Didyouliketheoldlogbetweenthelegs?”
“Eww,whosaysthat?”
“Whosaysewwwhenreferringtoaman’sprizedpossession?”
“Someonewho’srespondingtoapersonwho’sbeingobnoxious,whichisyou.Yourpenisisn’talog,it’s…aregularpenis.”
Thatmakeshisfacefallindisbelief.“Aregularpenis?YouthinkIhavejustaregularpenis?”
“Well,yeah.Imean,itdoesn’thaveanyadornmentsand,sure,it’swellkept,butthere’snothingsuperspecialaboutit.”
“Um…nottosoundlikeafuckingvoyeurhere,butI’vebeeninenoughgymlockerroomstoknowmypenisisn’tregular.Justbecauseit’snotpierceddoesn’tmakeitho-hum.There’salottomypenisthatyoudon’tknowabout.Andthelengthandgirthaloneareprobablybetterthananythingyou’vehad.”
“HowdoyouknowthekindofpenisI’vehadinmylife?”Ichallengehim,humorinmyvoice.
“Givenhowinnocentyouare,mostlikelythosepeniseshavebeenregular.Mineisanythingbutregular.”
“Saideverymanever.”
Hiseyesgrowdarkandallhumorfadesfromhisface.“DoIneedtotakemycockoutrightnow?”
“No,that’sokay.Icanstillrememberhowitfeltwhenyousatonmyface.Very…fleshy.”
“That’sbecauseitisfleshy.”
“Ialwaysthoughtpenisesweresupposedtobesoftlikevelvet,youknow?Ididn’tgetthatfromyou.”
“Wherethefuckdidyouhearthat?Andwhatcocksareyouhangingoutwiththatarevelvet?”
“Onesinromancenovels.”
Hesnorts.“Ifacockisvelvettothetouch,thenthemanfuckingglue-gunnedsomefabrictohismanhood.Dicksareflesh,andwhenthey’rehard,they’restiffandveiny.I’msureyoucanrecallmyhardcock.Youcameinyourlingerie,afterall.”HegivesmeapointedlookandIcanfeelmycheeksheatup.Walkedrightintothatone.
“IcamebecauseoftheworkIputin.”
“Bullshit,”hesays.“Youcamebecauseofthemomentyouwerein.”
“Possibly,butwecan’teverbesurenow,canwe?”
“Iknowforsure.Youwouldn’thavecomelikethatifIwasn’tthere,eggingyouon,tellingyouhowtotouchyourself,grabbingmycockandenticingyou.”
Ijustshrug,becauseIknowhe’sright,butIlikepushinghisbuttons.
“DoIneedtoshowyouagain?BecauseIwill.”
“Iknowyouwill,andit’sreallynotnecessary.Howdidweevengetonthistopic?Weren’twetalkingaboutdessertfortomorrow?Let’sgetbacktothat.Ithinkitwouldbelovelyifyoupickedupdessert.”
“WhosaysIneedtopickitup…”
Ipressmypalmtohisfaceandpushhimaway.“It’seitherdessertwecaneat,ornodessertatall.”
“Icaneatmydessert.”Hewetshislips.
Ohhell.
“Stopit.You’remakingme—”
“Aroused?”Hewaggleshisbrowsatme.
Yes.
“No.You’rejust…you’remakingitweird.AndIdon’twantittobeweirdbetweenus.”
“There’snothingweirdaboutthisconversation.Friendscantalkaboutthisstuff.Goahead,tellmethecraziestplaceyou’veeverhadsex.”
“Why?SoyoucanjustsayhowvanillaIam?”
“Ineversaidyouwerevanilla.Isaidyouwereinnocent.There’sadifference.Avanillapersonneverwould’vemasturbatedinfrontofme.”
Onceagain,mycheeksheatup.
“Well,thatwas—God,IhatewhatI’mabouttosay.”
“Justsayit.We’rebuddiesnow,right?”Hisoneeyebrowraisesinquestion.
“Iguessweare.”IrollmyteethoverthecornerofmylipbeforeIsay,“Well,itwasn’tsex,butwhatwedidwasprobablymymostprovocativeexperience.Which,Istilldon’tunderstandhowthatallhappened,andIdon’tcaretohashitout.But,yeah,everythingelsehasbeenprettyblandinbed.Nothingmorethanthat.”
“Shame,”hesays.“Ifyouweremine,wewouldn’tjustfuckinthebed.”
“Oh…I’msureyouhaveagiantlistofoddplacesyou’ve,uh,you’vehadsex.So,instead,I’mgoingtoask,whatwasyourfavoriteplace?”
“Hottub,”hesayswithoutevengivingitasecondthought.“Fuckinginthehottub.Christ,Iloveit.”
“Really?”Iask.“Itdoesn’tgetallwateryandweird?”
“No.”Heshakeshishead.“There’ssomethingaboutanakedwomaninthehottub,fuckingherfrombehind…yeah,Iloveit.”
“Oh.”Iclearmythroat.“And,uh,howmanytimeshaveyoudonethis?”
“Notnearlyenoughandnotwiththerightpersonyet.”
“Howdoyouknowit’snottherightperson?Clearly,you’veenjoyedit.”
“BecauseIknowtherecouldbesomuchmoreintimacyinvolved.I’vehadjustrandomfucks,butwiththerightambiance,withthecorrectamountofforeplay,Iknowitcouldbeexplosive.”
*Gulp*
Yeah…Icouldseethat.
“Whataboutyou?”heasks.“Doyouhaveanidealsituationplannedinyourheadwhereyou’dhavethebestsexofyourlife?”
“Notreally.IjustknowthatwhenIfindtherightperson,everythingwilljustclickandIwon’thavetotry.Iwon’thavetoimaginetheseromanticsituations,butratherjustliveinthemomentandletthemhappen.”
“Andyouhaven’thadthatyet?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.Foragirlwho’sobsessedwithlove,it’ssadhowmylovelifehasturnedout.”
“Notsad,you’rejustnotsettling,andIthinkthat’ssmart.Youwillfindtherightperson.”Hetipsmychinwithhisforefinger.“Butinthemeantime,unleashthesecretyou’vebeenholdingallnight.What’sthisdessertyougotusthatyouwon’ttellmeabout?”
Anticipatinghisreaction,Ican’thidemysmileasIgetupfromthecouchandretrievethebakeryboxfromthefridge.
“ShouldIbescaredbythatsmile?”heaskswhenIsitbackdownacrossfromhim.
“Possibly.”Iflipopentheboxandrevealthetwodollar-sizedpeniscookiesonapopsiclestick.“Iboughtuspeniscookies,coveredinwhiteanddarkchocolate.”
Ilookupathimandwait,grinninglikeanidiot.Thecornerofhismouthticksup,andthenhesmiles.Hepicksupthewhitechocolatecookieandexaminesit,twistingitfromonesidetotheother.“I’veneverhadadickinmymouth,butthere’salwaystimetochangethat.”Thenhetakesalargebiteandchews.“Hell,thispenisisgood.”
IsnortsohardIfeeldropletsofsnotcomeoutofmynose.Attractive,Kelsey.
“Andsolifelike.”Heexaminesthecookieagain.“Nowthis,Kelsey,thiswouldbeaverage.Yourboy…notsomuch.”ThenhetakesanotherbiteandIcan’thelpbutthinkhe’ssofreakingright.
***
JP:Doyouhearthat?
Kelsey:Issomeonehavingsex?Ithoughttheotherpeopleonthisfloorareacrosstheway.
JP:Theyare.It’snotthem.It’sbelowus.Ijustlooked.Peoplearefuckingonthebalcony.
Kelsey:Seriously?Whereeveryonecanseethem?
JP:LOL.Oh,Kelsey.
Kelsey:What?That’sconcerning,don’tyouthink?“Caughtwithyourpantsdown”isarealterm.
JP:Butthat’stheexcitementofitall,gettingcaught.
Kelsey:Letmeguess—havingsexonabalconyisn’tsomethingnewtoyou.
JP:Notsomuch.
Kelsey:Shocking.
JP:AreyousayingI’mabitofaman-whore?
Kelsey:Idon’tthinkweneedtolabeloursexlives.Youjusthaveamorefrequentone
JP:Very.Wantmetoteachyouathingortwo?
Kelsey:HowdidIknowyouweregoingtosuggestthat?
JP:BecauseI’mbecomingagoodfriendandyouknowmeinsideandout.
Kelsey:Sortof.Hell,IthinkItalktoyoumorethanmysisternow.Granted,she’sbeenbusywiththewedding.
JP:Doyouhaveanyotherfriends?
Kelsey:Yeah,afewgirlfriends,butunfortunately,we’veslowlygrownapartbecauseofmybusiness.Thehustledoesn’tallowformanyfriends.
JP:Igetit.Well,youhavemenow.
Kelsey:Ido.AndI’mgratefulforthat.
JP:So…doyouwanttositoutonthebalconyandlistentothefuckers?
Kelsey:…goodnight,JONAH!
JP:Ooo,saymynameagain.Ilikeit.
Kelsey:*Sigh*
***
Kelsey:Thankyouforthemid-morningsmoothiedelivery.HowdidyouknowIneededthismorethananythingrightnow?
JP:CaughtaglimpseofyouwhenIwaswalkingthroughtheAngelicawithHuxleyonFaceTime.Haditdeliveredrightaway.Youlooktired,babe.
Kelsey:Thefuckerswerereallygoingatitlastnight.
JP:Isthatreallywhatwaskeepingyouuplastnight?
Kelsey:Mymindwasracing,thinkingaboutallthingsbusiness.Youknowhowitgoes.
JP:Ido.Ifyouwant,wecanskipthedinnertonightandjusthang,ordosomethingelse.Notsurewhatyouliketodotodecompress.
Kelsey:No,Istillwanttomakedinner,unlessyoudon’twantto.
JP:Babe,ifIgettospendtimewithyou,Idon’tcarewhatwedo.
Kelsey:Well,okaythen…
JP:Wasthataweirdcomment?
Kelsey:Itwasunexpected.
JP:Ijustfeelmybestaroundyou.Sorryifthat’sweird,butit’strue.
Kelsey:It’snotweird.MakesmefeellikeImeansomething.
JP:Youdo,babe.Youmeanalot.
***
“Okay,nowaddtheice,”Isay,asmyhandsarewrist-deepinthemasa.
“Sure,”JPsays,whileworkingaroundme.Theporkhasbeencooked,Icheatedandputitinthecrockpotthisafternoon,andwealreadypreparedthesauce.IthoughtitwascutewhenJPwasinaweoverthedehydratedpeppersandhowwerehydratedthemandthenblendedthemup.
“Andfromhere,wemixforabouttentofifteenminuteswithourhands.”
“Oh,shit,really?”
“Yup.”
“Okay.”Hemaneuversaroundandawkwardlystandsnexttome,butcan’tquitegettherightangleuntilhefinallymutters,“Fuckit,”andstandsbehindme.Hereachesaroundmyarmsandputshishandinthebowl,hisheadrightnexttomine.“Isthisokay?”
Hischestisplasteredagainstmybackandtheroughscruffofhischeekisrubbingagainstmine,drivingmyinternaltemperatureupanothertendegrees.ButI’mnotgoingtomakeabigdealaboutitsoInod.
“That’sfine.Aslongasyou’recomfortable.”
“I’mgood,babe.Whatperfumedoyouwear,bytheway?Fuckingkillsme.”
“DolceandGabbana,LightBlue.”
“Hell,itsmellsgood.NotthatIshouldbesayingthatwhilestandingnexttoyoulikethis,butitsmellsreallyfuckinggood.”
“Thankyou,”Isayasthehairsonthebackofmyneckstandatattention.
Thelastfewdayshavebeen…comforting.SpendingallthistimewithJPmakesmerealizethathetrulyisagoodguy.Whenhismindisclear,whenhe’shappy,he’ssoopenandhonestandagoodtime.Hejokesaround—likeheusedto—andIhatetosaythis,buthesortofmakesmefeelalive.Likeapartofmehasbeenmissingandhe’swokenitup.
Ifeelexcitedtoseehim,thrilledtogetatextfromhim,andcountdowntheminutesuntilournextplannednon-date.Withinaveryshortamountoftime,he’sbecomeoneofmybestfriends.Neverwould’veexpectedthat.
“Thisiskindoffun.Ifeellikeacat,massagingagut.”
MyhandspauseasIturnjustslightlytolookathim.“Whatkindofanalogyisthat?”
“Youknow…howcatspawatthings.”Hereplicatesamassagingmotion.“That’swhatthisfeelslike.Didyounothaveacatgrowingup?”
“Ididn’t.”
“Ah,youmissedout,”hesays,leaninginagainstmeevenmore.“Shame.Youneverexperiencedasandpapertongueonthebackofyourhand.Orthefeelofacat’sclawseepingthroughthethreadsofyourclothing,straightintoyourflesh.Ortheabsolutepleasureofsiftingshitoutofalitterbox.”
“Yes,anabsoluteshame,”Isaysarcastically.“Whatwasyourcat’sname?”
“HuxleyandIcalledherCat,becausewedidn’thaveanyfeelingstowardher.Shewasmoreofanannoyingassholethananything.Alwaysclawedtheshitoutofus.ButBreakerwasbestfriendswiththecat.HernamewastechnicallyJiggles.HaveyoueverwatchedNewGirl?”
“Yes,lovethatshow.”
“Well,thinkofWinstonandhiscat.ThatwasBreakerandJiggles.”
Ourhandscollideinthebowl,andinsteadofpullingawayormoving,Ijustletourfingerstanglethroughthemasamixture.Ilikeit.Ishouldn’t,butIdo.
“Ican’tseeit.Breakerseemssocoolandcalm.Ican’tseehimfussingoveracat.”
JPchuckles.“Man,doeshehaveyoufooled.Sure,he’scoolandcalm,buthe’sthebiggestnerd.Lovesdata,hasautographsfromeverycastmemberofTheLordoftheRings,andhehasbeenknowntodressupatimeortwoasacalculatorforHalloween.”
“What?Noway.”Ishakemyhead.“Thatcan’tbetrue.”
“Trustme,babe,he’sanerd.Hehasacomputerathisplacethathebuiltonhisown.”
“Gah,likeHenryCavill?”
“What?”heasks,confused.
“HenryCavill,hebuilthisowncomputerandrecordedthewholething.Itwashot.”
“Wow…man,amImissingthemarkonwhatwomenfindattractivethesedays.”
“Thenagain,Henryissuchadreamboat.Thechindimple,theseductiveeyes,theunbelievablemuscles.”
“Youknow,somepeoplehavesaidthatIlooklikeatattooedHenryCavill.”
“Whoonearthsaidthat?Someoneinyourdreams?”Ichuckleatmyjoke.
“Funny.No,itwasagirlImetatabaseballgame.”
“Uh-huh.Andletmeguess—sheaskedforyourautographandthenwasextremelyembarrassedthatshethoughtyouweresomeoneelse,sheapologizedprofusely,youconsoledher,boughtheradrink,andthentookherhomethatnight.Wassheoneofthehot-tubgirls?”
“No,”hedragsout.“Buttherestofthatstoryisscarilyaccurate.”
“Figured.WhenIwasincollege,therewasthiswaveofgirlswhowouldpullthattrickonguysallthetimetogetfreedrinksandaneasylay.”
“Anyguyisaneasylay.”
“Itwasapickupmove.Sheplayedyou.”
“Whatever,playmeallyouwant.Ihadsexthatnight.”
“Asifit’shardforyoutofindsomeonetohavesexwithyou.”
“You’vebeendifficult,”hesays,hisvoicepracticallycaressingmyskin.Onceagain,thosegoosebumpsspread.“But,thenagain,youfriend-zonedmefromthebeginning,sotherewasnochance.”
“Youwereofflimits.Ididn’thaveachoicebuttofriend-zoneyou.”
Hepauses,hisroughcheekmovingacrossmineashishandssinkdeeperintothemixture.“WhywasIofflimits?”Hislipsnearlymoveagainstmycheek;Icanfeelthem,they’resoclose.Justafeatherofawhisperaway.
Andit’sfrustratingbecauseIshouldn’twanthislipsnearme,Ishouldn’tbecomfortablewithhimwrappedaroundme,Ishouldn’twaitimpatientlyforhimtocallmebabe,buthereIam,waitingwithbatedbreathforhisnextmove.
“Becauseyou’reHuxley’sbrother.Becausemycompanyfallsunderyourmanagement.BecauseIknewyouwereinadifferentframeofmindthanIam.”
“Andifthoseweren’tfactors,thenwhat,Kelsey?”
Iswallowhard.
Myhandshaveslowed,barelymixing,andmyheartpoundssoloudly,itsoundsdeafeninginmyears.
Hiscolognesurroundsme.
Hisvoicerumblesacrossmyskin.
He’sdeliciouslytrappedmebetweenhimandthecounter.
ThisiseverythingIcoulddreamupforaromanticmoment,andyet,themanwho’smakingmefeel,themanwho’sturningmeintoapoolofyearning…issupposedtobemyfriend.He’snotsupposedtobetheonewhomakesmyheartbeatfaster.
“Hell,Idon’tknowwhyIaskedthat,”hesays,whenhepullshishandsfromthebowl,mistakingmysilencefordiscomfort.“Youhaveyourreasons,andit’sgreatthatwehavethis.Youandme,friends.It’sbeeneasy.”
Idon’tturntowardhim.Ican’t.
Ican’tlethimseethewayheaffectsme.
Ican’tlethimhearthethickbreathsI’mtaking,attemptingtofindthateasyrhythmagain.
AndIcan’tlethimseehowmyhandsareclawingatthemasa,beggingandpleadingforhimtocomeback.
“WhatcanIdotoprepareforthenextstep?”heasks.
Itakeadeep,steadyingbreathandslowmyracingheartbeat.“Youcanlayoutthehusksandgrabthatspatula.We’regoingtostartspreadingthemasaonthem.”
“Yougotit,babe.”
Isqueezemyeyesshut.Keepittogether,Kelsey.
***
“Eatingoutonthebalconywasagreatidea,”IsayasIsipthehomemadevirginmargaritaJPsurprisedmewith.
Virgin,becausehesaidhewasbackingoffondrinking.Hedidn’telaborateonhisdecision,butIcouldseethatitwasawell-thought-outoneandIsupporthimcompletely.
“ButIcan’thelpbutwonder,”Icontinue.“Wereyouhopingforanencorefromthefuckers?”
“Imean…alittledinnerandashowwould’vebeennice.”
Ilaugh.“Notsurehowgreatofashowthatwould’vebeen.”
“Itwould’vebeenentertaining,that’sforsure.Butthisisnice,thepeacefulnight,faintsoundsfromthestreetsbelow,theoccasionalwhipofthewind,amazingfood…it’sbeenagreatnight,Kelse.”Herubshisstomach.“NotsureIhaveroomformydessert.”
“Meneither.”Ileanbackinmychair.“I’mgratefulfortheelasticinmyshorts.Isthatanunflatteringthingtosay?”
“Notevenalittle.”Hesnapsthewaistbandofhisshorts.“I’mjustgratefulwecleanedupwhilethetamalesweresteaming.”
“Metoo.”Iletoutalowwhistle.“Ican’tbelieveweonlyhavetwomorenightshere.Ifeelsadaboutit.I’vegrownaccustomedtothepenthouseandthiscity.”
“Whataboutthecompany?”JPasks,takingasipofhismargarita.
“Thattoo.Goingbacktomytinystudioapartmentwillfeelsolonely.”
“Youcanalwaysmoveintomyplace.Plentyofroom.Comeswithaccesstoanelaboratepool…andahottub.”Hewiggleshiseyebrows,causingmetolaugh.
“Tempting,butI’msureyou’rereadytohaveyourlifeback.”
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”heasks.
“Youknow,gettingoutandabout,notalwayshavingtohangoutwithme.”
Helooksmeintheeyeswhenhesays,“Idon’thavetohangoutwithyou,Kelsey.Iwanttohangoutwithyou.Ichooseto.”
AsmiletugsacrossmylipsandIlookaway,hatingthathiswordsshootathrillupmyspine.
“Same,Jonah,”Isay,testingouthisname.WhenIglanceinhisdirection,hisexpressionisoftotalawe.Iwince.“Imean,JP.”
Heshakeshishead.“Callmewhatyouwant.Ilikeboth.”
“Ilikeyourrealname.Ithinkitfitsyou—atleast,thissideofyou.JPismoreofthepartyingplayboyguy.ButthemanI’vebeenhangingoutwithlately,he’sJonah.”
“Yeah.”Helooksupatmeshyly.“Ifuckinglikethatalot.”
“I’mglad.”Igatherourplatesandsay,“It’llbeweird,though,goingbacktomynormallife.Ireallyenjoyedmytimehere.”
“I’msureyou’llbeback.We’rejuststartingontheAngelicaBuilding,andHuxleyisgoingtowantyoutooverseethings.Thiswon’tbethelasttimeyou’rehere.”
“Good.Ihavesomanymoredessertplacestotry.IshouldstartadessertInstagram.IcouldcallitMinttoBe,likeaplayonwordswithmypodcast.”
“OryoucouldcallitLickMeTillIceCream.”
Myeyeslevelwithhisplayfulones.“ThatwasaJPcomment.”
“Tryallyouwant.Youcan’tknockthatoutofme.”Hewinksandstandswithme.Igrabtheplatesandhegrabstherestofthetamalesandrefriedbeanswedidn’teat.
“Iwouldn’twantyoutochange.Ilikeyouasyouare,”Isaywhilewewalkbackintothepenthouseandheadtowardthekitchen.
“Ooo,whatmovieisthatfrom?Ifeellikesomegirlmademewatchit.”
“BridgetJones,”Ianswer.
Hesnaps.“That’sright.IrecallBridgetwanderingaroundonscreeninshortskirts,correct?”
“Ofcoursethat’sthepartyouremember.”
Hejustshrugs,andtogetherweputawaythefoodandfillthedishwasherwiththerestofourdishes.Whenwe’redone,Ileanagainstthecounterandfoldmyarmsovermychest.“Ihadfuntonight.You’reprettyhelpfulinthekitchen.”
“Imakeathingortwo.”
“Well,Ishouldgettobed,whereIcanshamelesslyavoidanystretchyelasticaroundmywaistsoIcanbetterbreathethroughthetamalesIconsumed.”
“Babe,savethedirtytalkforthebedroom.”
Ichuckleandmovepasthim.“Goodnight…Jonah.”
“Hey,”hecallsout,causingmetospinaround.“Ihavesomethingforyou.”
“Pleasedon’ttellmeit’syourpenisorsomethingderangedlikethat.”
“Firstofall,mypenisisn’tderanged,it’sregular…remember?”
Ilaugh.
“Andno,Iactuallyhaveaphysicalthingforyou.”Hewalkstowardhissuitjacket,whichisdrapedonthebackofadiningroomchair,andreachesintotheinsidepocket.Hepullsoutasmallbagandhandsittome.“Isawthisandthoughtofyou.”
“Oh,itisarealthing?”
Helaughs.“Yes,itis.”
Iopenthetinybluebagandpulloutsomethinglongandhard.WhenIrealizewhatitis,atsunamiofswoonhitsmeallatonce.
“Yougotmeamagnet?”
Hestickshishandsinhispockets.“Yeah.Iwasn’tsureifyou’dfoundoneyet.Irememberyousayingthatyougetoneforeverycityyouvisit.Butsinceweleavesoon,Ithoughtitmightbeanicememento.Butifyoualreadygotone,wecanjustleaveithere,or—”
“Ihaven’tboughtoneyet.”Istaredownatthemagnet.ItreadsSanFranciscoalongthebottom,withtheskylineandGoldenGateBridgeatthetop.It’scute,bubbly,andcolorful,somethingIwouldpickformyself.“Butthisissoperfect.”Imovemythumboverthelettering.
“Seriously,ifyoudon’tlikeit,Icangetsomethingdifferent.”
IshakemyheadandtakeastepforwardsoIcanpressmyhandtohischest.“Thiswassothoughtfulandkind.”Oureyesconnect.“Thankyou.”Imoveincloser,loopmyarmaroundhim,andgivehimahug.Hisarmsfallaroundme.
“You’rewelcome.Hopefully,youwillhavemoretoaddasyourbusinessgrows.”Hishandrubsupanddownmyback.
Idon’tpullaway.
Idon’twantto.
Igriphimtighterinstead,pressingmycheektohischest.
“Ireallyhopeso.”
Andforthenextminuteorso,weremainlikethat,huggingeachother.Fromtheoutsidelookingin,itmightseemawkward,twopeoplesimplyhugginginthemiddleofthecommonspace,butrightnow,itfeelsright.ItfeelslikeIbelonghere,inhisarms,protectedbyhisstrength,caredforbyhisheart.This.ThisiswhatI’vemissedsomuchsincenothavingaboyfriend.Touch.EverytimeIwatchJeffswallowMominahug,Ifeelsoincrediblygratefultohim,becausehegaveherconfidencebackinhishugs.Showedherthatshewasadesirablewoman,notasinglemom.Andthelongeryougowithoutincidentaltouches,somethingI’vegonewithoutforsolongnow,themoreyoulongforthem.Hugs.Abriefkissontheforehead.Holdinghands.Fingersstrokingyourcheek.Imissthatterribly.EventhoughIcan’texpectJP—Jonah—toprovidethosethings,hehasbeen.AndI’mgoingtomissthatwhenIgobacktomyapartment,backtolivingonmyown.
“Youokay?”heasks,probablywonderingwhyI’mstillholdingontohim.
“Yeah.”Inodandtakeastepback.“Thatwasjustreallysweetofyou.”Oureyesconnect.“Reallysweet.”
Heawkwardlysmiles.“Gladyoulikeit.”Hethumbstowardhisroom.“I’mgoingtogotobednow.Thanksforagreatnight,babe.”
Don’tleaveyet.
Sitwithmeonthecouch.
Talktomesomemore.
Comebacktomyroom,whereyoucansiftyourfingersthroughmyhairandletmefeeltherumbleofyourdeepvoiceagainstyourchest…
“Haveagoodnight.”Iwave.
“Later,Kelse.”
Andthenhetakesofftohisbedroom,leavingmeabsolutelybreathless.
Speechless.
Andcompletelyconfused.ChapterEighteen
JP
JP:Dude,IthinkIdidit.IthinkI“wooed”her.
Breaker:I’llbethejudgeofthat.Layitonme.
JP:We’vespentthelastfewnightstogether*asfriends*hangingout,talking,sharingmeals.WewentouttoamoviemarathonandthendidanighttouratAlcatraz.Andlastnightwemadedinnertogetherandshareditoutonthebalcony.
Breaker:Okay,soyou’vespentsometimetogether.Notsurethat’senough.
JP:Isavedthebestforlast.Igotheramagnet.
Breaker:That’syourbest?Amagnet?Dude…
JP:No,itwasagoodthing.Shelikestogetamagnetfromeverycityshegoesto.Irememberedhersayingthat,soIgotheramagnet.Shewassogratefulandshefuckinghuggedmeforalongtime.
Breaker:Howlong?
JP:Like…aminute?
Breaker:Washercheekonyourchest?
JP:Itwas.
Breaker:Didshecry?
JP:Notears,butIthinkIwasclosetogettingthem.
Breaker:Uh-huh.AnyotherdetailsyouneedtodivulgesoIcanmakeadecision?
JP:ShecalledmeJonahafewtimes.
Breaker:Wait,youtoldheryourrealname?
JP:Yeah.Shesaidthemanshe’sbeenhangingoutwithismoreofaJonah,nottheplayboyJP.
Breaker:Ithinkmyheartjustskippedabeat.
JP:Yeah?Thinkshe’swooed?
Breaker:Ithinkthere’saninety-ninepercentchancethatsheis.
JP:That’sasolidpercentage.
Breaker:ShereallycalledyouJonah?
JP:Yeah…andIreallyfuckinglikedit.Hell,Ireallylikeher.Ifanything,theselastfewdayshaveshownmehowmuchIcareforthiswoman.Notsurewhatwillhappen,butIneedtotakeachance.
Breaker:Ithinkyouhaveasolidchance.Whatareyougoingtodo?
JP:Well,it’sourlastfullnighthere.Weleavetomorrowaroundsix,Ithink.So,IthinkI’mgoingtotakehertoParkside.Itoldheraboutitawhileback,howtheyhavethebestDimSum,andthenI’mgoingtotakehertotherooftopfordessert.
Breaker:Smooth.Ilikeit.Afterdessert,areyougoingtotellherhowyoufeel?
JP:Yeah.Callmecrazy,butItrulythinkshehasthesamefeelingsforme.
Breaker:Ithinkyou’reready.
JP:IknowI’mready.Fuck,I’mexcited.I’veneverfeltthiswayaboutawomanbefore.
Breaker:Youhaven’t,atleastyou’venevertoldme.Icantell…youreallylikeher.
JP:Ido.AndIdon’twanttofuckthisup.I’dneverforgivemyself.
Breaker:Well,you’dknowifshe’sreadyforyou.Doyouthinksheis?
JP:Ido.Afterthehuglastnight,Ithinkshe’sreadyforme.
Breaker:Thenyouneedtouseyourwords,JP.
JP:Whatdoyoumean?We’vebeentalkingaboutlotsofthings.
Breaker:Youneedtousewordsandtellherhowyoufeel.Sofar,you’vetriedtoshowherwhatyoufeel.Nowit’stimetospeak,man.Giveheryourtruths.
JP:Iwill.Fuck…okay.
***
Iwalkdownthehallwaytowardthepenthouse,feelingnauseatedandexcitedallatthesametime.Todaydraggedon,everyminutefeelinglikeanhour.Mymeetingsweremind-numbinglyboring.Myinboxneverstoppeddingingwithnewemails.Andwhenlunchcamearound,Iwashypedup,yetexhaustedfrommymindconstantlywonderingaboutwhatwasgoingtohappentonight.
But,fuck,Ican’twaittoseeher.
Ican’twaittosurpriseherwithplansfortonight.
Iopenthedoortothepenthouse,setmywalletandkeysontheentrywaytable,andthencallouttoher,“Kelsey,areyouhome?”
“Yes,”shesaysfromherroom.“Berightout.”
There’samirrorintheentrywaythatIturntoquicklyandcheckmyselfout
Hairisinorder.
Suitlooksgood.
Nothinginmyteeth.
Iturnbackaroundjustintimetocatchherwalkingtowardme,andshelooksfuckingstunning.Dressedinaflowyblackdressthatreachesjustbelowherknees,herhair’scurledinwaves…mypulseisracing.
“Hey,longday?”sheaskswhileadjustingoneofherearrings.
“Yeah,prettylong.Whataboutyou?”
“Itwasokay.HadtohaveanothermeetingwithRegis.Hewasslightlymorepleasantthanusual,butIthinkthat’sbecauseheknowsweleavetomorrow.”Sheswitchestotheotherear,playingwiththatearringnow.“Whatdoyouhaveplannedfortonight?”
Gladsheasked.
“Well,Iwasthinking—”
Knock.Knock.
Iglancebehindme.“Didyouorderroomservice?”
“No,that’sDerek,”shesays.“Wehaveadatetonight.”
Andjustlikethat,everyounceofexcitement,emotion,andconfidencedrainsfrommyveinsandpoolsatthebottomofmyfeet.
Asifmyhearthasbeenrippedfrommychest,beingscratched,andscarredbymyribsintheprocess.Allmyhopes.Allmythoughts.Allmyfuckingcourage,it’sallwipedaway.Evaporated.Demolished.
She’s…she’sgoingonadate?
Thiscan’tbefuckinghappening.
Thishastobeajoke,right?
Shecan’tpossiblybegoingonadatewithhim,notafter…well,notaftereverything.
Buttomyhorror,Kelseyreachespastmeandopensthedoor,revealingDerekontheotherside.
Fuck…
“Hey,Derek,justneedtograbmyshoes.Givemeasecond.”
“Notaproblem.”DerekturnstowardmeasKelseyopenstheentrywaycloset.“Hey,youmustbeJP.Nicetomeetyou.Yourbrotherhastalkedalotaboutyou.”
Heholdsouthishand,andbecauseIdon’twanttolooklikeadick,Itakeitinmineandgiveitashake.“Nicetomeetyou,”Isay,butIbarelyrecognizemyvoice.It’sgravelly,dark.
Fuck,I’msoupset.
SogoddamnupsetthatIcanfeelmythroatstarttotighten.
“Okay,I’mready,”Kelseysays.
She’sslippingaway.
Myplans.
Mynight.
Mybigask.
It’sallcrumblingrightinfrontofme.
Ican’tfeelmyfeet.Mylungsdon’tseemtohaveanyairinthem.Anditfeelsasifasharpknifeisbludgeoningmychestcontinuously,ratchetingupthisoverwhelmingsenseofpain.
“I’llbehomelater,”Kelseysays,herhanddraggingovermyarm.
Hertouch…itdoessomethinginsideofme.
ItremindsmeofwhatBreakersaid.
Youneedtousewordsandtellherhowyoufeel.Sofar,you’vetriedtoshowherwhatyoufeel.Nowit’stimetospeak,man.Giveheryourtruths.
He’snotwrong.Mytacticshaveproventobeshortsighted.
Andbeforeshecantakeanotherstep,Iask,“CanItalktoyouforasecond?”
Shepauses,looksoverhershoulder,andasks,“Rightnow?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.
ImustlookdistraughtbecauseshetellsDerektogiveherasecondandthenfollowsmedownthehallwaytomyroom,whereIshutthedoor.Ishedmysuitjacket,tossitonachairinthecorner,andpacetheroom.
“Iseverythingokay?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Everythingisnotokay.”Ipauseandlookupather.“I’mgoingtosaysomethingthatIknowyoucertainlyweren’texpectingbut,fuck,Ineedyoutoknow.”
“JP,what’sgoingon?”
“Ilikeyou,Kelsey,”Isay,justlettingitallflyout.“Ifuckinglikeyou,andI…Iwanttoaskyououtonadate,arealdate.”
Hermouthfallsslightlyopen.
“AndIknowthisisn’tthebesttimingandthatthisisselfishofmebecauseyou’reabouttogooutonadate,butplease,pleasedon’tgooutwithhim.Stayhere,withme,bewithme,givemeachance.”Shedoesn’tsayanything.AndIwaitasshestandsthereinshock.“Ihadplansfortonight.IwasgoingtotakeyoutoParksideandtellyouhowmuchIlikeyouandwanttobewithyou.Iknowthat’shardtobelieve,givenyourfirstimpressionofme,butIswear,Kelsey,IswearI’mfuckingreadyforsomethingmore.”
“JP…I…Idon’tknowwhattosay.”
“Youdon’thavetosayanything,justdon’tgooutwithhim.Idon’tthinkIcouldfuckingtakeit.YourlastdatewaswhenIdrankmyselfstupid.That’showlongI’vefeltthisforyou.Idon’tthinkIcouldsurvivetonightknowinghe’sclaimingyouashis,holdingyourhand,makingyoulaugh…kissingyou.AllI’vewantedistofuckingkissyou,totasteyourlips,tomakeyoumine.I’vewantedthiseversinceImetyou,fromthefirstmomentIlaideyesonyou,Kelsey.Iknewyouwerespecial.IknewyouweresomeoneIhadtogettoknow,thatIwantedtobearound.And,sure,Ididn’tgoaboutittherightwayinthebeginning,butI’vebeentrying.I’vetriedtotellyousomanytimes.Somanyfuckingtimes.”Ipushmyhandthroughmyhair.“Please,Kelsey,pleasejuststayherewithme,talkthisout,givemeachance.”
Shelooksbehindherandthenbackatme.“JP,Ihaveadate…Idon’t…I’mnotsure…”
Fuck.
Fuck,thepainissearing.
Burningme.
Markingme.
“I’msorry,”Isay.“Fuck,thiswasselfishofme.I’msorry,Kelsey.I’mfuckingsorry.”Itakeaseatontheedgeofmybedandburymyhandsinmyhair.
“JP…”
“Justgo.ForgetIsaidanything.Please,Ishouldn’thave.Thisputsyouinabadspot.I’msorry…justgoonyourdate.”
She’ssilent.
Icanfeelhereyesonme.
Herindecisionweighsheavilyonmyshouldersandwhen,foramoment,Ithinkthatshemightstay,Ihearherfirststepechothroughmyroom,thenanother…thenanother.Trailingawayfromme,onestepatatime,untilmydoorisshutbehindher.
Fu-uck.
Isuckinasharpbreaththroughheavy,webbedlungs.Itfeelsimpossibletogainmuch-neededoxygen.
OurlastnightinSanFrancisco,andinsteadofspendingitwithme,she’sspendingitwithanotherman.
I’velovedlearninghowshetakeshercoffee,thespecialbreakfastshehastohaveinthemorning.
Idoubtheknowsaboutherday-of-the-weekunderwearorhowshecurlsherhairwhenshe’sinafunmood,straightensitwhenshemeansbusiness.
Andknowingwhatshetasteslikewhenshe’swet,aroused,andlookingformore?Orhowshesoundsandlookswhenshecomes?Thatwillbetortureforme,goingforward.
I’vegivenhermytruths.AllI’veeverwantedsinceImetherwastokissher.Impressher.
Butintheend,shewillchoosehim.
Mythroatissotight,Icanbarelybreathe.Ifeelmyfrustrations,myemotions,bubbletothesurface.TheurgetocalldowntotheconciergeforabottleofScotchisall-consuming.Justtogetlost,forget,toerasethismonopolizingpainricochetingthroughmychest.
Ipullonmythickstrands.
Fuck,whatdoIdonow?
Leave?
Chaseherdownthehall,begginghertostay?
Findthenearestbar?
Ican’tstayhere.Ican’twaitaround,wonderingwhenshe’llreturn.No,Ineedtogetthefuckoutofhere.Ineedtogethome.I’mabillionaire,soIcanflymyfuckingselfwheneverIdamnwellplease.That’swhatI’lldo.
Leave.
Gethometonight.
Gotomysafeplace,myhouse,whereKelseyhasn’ttouchedonegoddamnthing.WhereIwon’tberemindedofher.
WhereIcansinkintooblivion.
Iglancearoundformyphone.Ineedtomakethecall.Ineedtopack.Fuck,whocaresaboutpacking?Icanbuynewshit.
Ijustneedtoleave.
Ijustneedto—
Thebedroomdoorcreaksopen.Mybodystillsasmyeyesflittothedoor.Itcracksopensomemore,andthenKelseyappears.
Noairinmylungs.
Nobloodthroughmyveins.
NothingisworkingwithinmeasIsitthere,staring…wonderingwhatthehellshe’sdoing.
Sheshutsthedoorbehindherandwalksovertome.Herstridesaredemure,herbodylanguagetimid.
Hunchedover,Isitupjustasshestandsinfrontofme.
“Kelsey,I—”
Notsayingaword,shestraddlesmylap,liftsmychinwithherforefinger,andbeforeIcanattempttotakemynextbreath,herlipsareonmine.
Fuck…me.
Allittakesisonetouchformetobreak.
I’mnotsurewhatherintentionsare,andIdon’tgiveafuck,becauseshe’skissingme.Kelseyisfuckingkissingme,anditfeelslikeIjustdiedandwenttoheaven.
Soft.
Incontrol.
Yearning.
Shepartsherlips,dipshertongueintomymouth,andthensiftsherfingersthroughmyhair.
Isnap.
Myhandsslidearoundher,oneatherwaist,theotheratthenapeofherneck,andIkissherbackwithmoreforce.Ilethermeltintomytouch,takecontrol.
Shetugsonmyhair.
Islipmyhandunderthehemofherdress.
Shemoansintomymouth.
Igroanintohers.
Sheopenshermouthwider.
Mytonguefindshers.
Andthenit’satangledmessofneed.Ofeagerness.OfeverythingI’veeverfuckingwanted,andit’srighthere,availableforthetaking.I’mnotlettinggo.
Ican’t.
Herhandslidesuptomyjawandshegripsmetightly.“Unzipmydress.”
“What?”Iaskbreathlessly.
Hereyesconnectwithmine,thegoldinthemshiningintheyellowglareofthenightstandlight.“Unzipmydress,Jonah.”
Mycockinstantlygrowshard.Isthisreal?
Isshereal?
AmIfuckingdreaming?
Becausethat’swhatthisfeelslike—adreamwhereI’llwakeupjustasIgripthesmallzipperofherdress.I’llberudelydisrupted,she’lldisappear,andthatempty,clawingfeelingwillreturn.
“Baby,”Iwhisper,myforeheadtouchinghers.“Isthis…isthisreal?”
“Yes,”shesaysasherlipsfalltomyjaw.“Thisisreal.”
“But…yourdate?”
“Isenthimhome,”shewhispersasherlipsmoveovermymouthagain.“Irealized…”Shekissesmycheek.“Veryquickly…”Shekissesmymouth.“ThatthepainIfeltwalkingawayfromyou…”Shekissesmyothercheek.“Broughtmetomyknees.”Sheliftsupandlooksmeintheeyes.“IthinkI’vewantedyouforalongtime,andittookmewalkingawaytoconfirmthat.”
Iattempttoswallowthelumpinmythroat,butfailmiserably.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Shebringsherhandsbetweenusandslowlybeginstounbuttonmydressshirt,onebuttonatatime.“ItmeansthatI’myours.Allyours.”
“You’renot…you’renotleaving?”Istillcan’tbelieveit.
Shetugsmyshirtoutofmypantsandslidesthesleevesoffmyshoulders,leavingmytorsobaretoher.Herhandsslidebackupmytensearms,overmycarvedshoulders,anddownmyrumblingpecs.Shewetsherlipsasherhipsmovegentlyovermylap.
“No.I’mstaying.Iwant…Iwantyoutoaskmeout.”
Fuckinghell.Ifeelthestingoftearsatthebacksofmyeyes.I’mnotagoddamncrier,butforthelifeofme,Ican’tstoptheuglyemotionsseizingme.Notsurethelasttimesomeonechoseme…forme.
ForalltheuglyIhavetooffer.
ForallthehalfheartedseriousnessIsputterout.
Foralltheinsecurities,thedemons,thebaggage.
She’sseenitall,intheflesh.Andshe’schoosingme.
Wettingmylips,Istareintohereyesandsay,“Iwantyouasmine.Allofyou.Yourbeautifulmind,yourinsaneorganization,yoursexy-as-fuckbody,andyourlovingheart.”
“Then”—shepausesandbringsmyhandtothebackofherdress,toherzipper—“takeit.Takeme.”
Twowords—whoknewtheycouldundome?
Islidethezipperdownandthestrapsofherdressloosensoshecanpushthemoffhershoulders.Shegathersthehemofthedressandliftsitoverherhead,leavingherinaone-piecelingerieset.
“Didyou…didyouwearthisforhim?”
Herseductiveeyesflashuptomineassheshakesherhead.“No.Iworeitforyou.”
Fuckinghell.
Idrivemyhandintoherhairagainandbringhermouthtomine,showingherjusthowmuchIwanther,howmuchI’velongedforthis.Whenshegripsmeback,herfingersdiggingintomyskin,IrealizeshewantsthisjustasmuchasIdo.
I’mnotlettinggo,neitherisshe,andwiththatknowledge,Islowdownmykiss.IpartmylipsandtanglemytonguewithhersasItwisthertothemattress,layinghercarefullydownwhileIhoveroverher,myarmproppingmeup.
Together,weexploreeachother.Herhandssiftthroughmyhair,downmyback,acrossmychest,overmyshoulders.
Idragmyfingersoverthelaceofherlingerie,overthesidesofherbreasts,downtoherhip,andthenbackuptoherdelicateneck.
“I’vewantedyouforsolong,”IwhisperasIbringmymouthtothecolumnofherneck.“Andnotjustforsex.Thisisn’tjustsexforme.”Iliftupsooureyesmeet.“Doyouhearme?Thisisn’tjustsexforme.”
“Iknow.”Shebringsmyhandtoherheart,pressingdownsoIcanfeelhowhardit’shammering.“Thisisn’tjustsexformeeither.Feelthat?That’swhatyoudotome,youmakemyheartbeatfaster.”
“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Ididn’tthinkyoufeltthesameway.”
“Babe.”Igripherjawandtilthermouthup.Inchesawayfromhermouth,Isay,“IthinkyouknowhowIfeelnow.”
“Ido,”shewhispersbeforeIpressmylipstohersagain.Shesighsandloopsherarmsaroundmyneck.Itoywiththestrapofherlingeriethentugthestrapdownafewinches,waitingtoseeherresponse.Whenshedoesn’tprotest,Ipullitallthewaydownherarm.Sheshrugsoutofit.
Whilekeepingmylipsonhers,ourtonguescolliding,tangling,Ifeathermyfingersupherarm,acrosshercollarbone,andthentoherexposedbreast.Mypalmconnectswithherhardnipple,andIgroanintohermouthbeforerollingthehardnubwithmyfingers.
“Yes,”shewhisperswhenmymouthreleaseshers.Ikissdownherneck,toherchest,andthenIliftupandstaredownather.
“Fuck,”Iwhisper,draggingmyhandovermymouth.“Kelsey,you’resogoddamnbeautiful.”
Sheshrugsoutoftheotherstrapandthen,withhereyesconnectedtomine,shesays,“Stripmedown.”
Hell…
Liftingup,ItugonthelingerieuntilIfreeherfromthelace,leavinghercompletelynakedonmybed.
“Christ,”Iwhisperbeforeloweringmymouthtoherbreasts.IsqueezeonewithmyhandwhileIdraghernippleintomymouth.Ilapatitwithmytongueafewtimes,overandover,andthenIsuckonthenub—hard—causingherbacktoarch.
Soresponsive.
Imovetoherotherbreastanddothesamething.
Lick.
Lick.
Suck.
Shemoanswhileholdingmeinplace.
Igobacktoherotherbreastandthentrailkissesalongherskin,overherbellybutton,andrightbelow.Herlegspartinanticipation,butinsteadofgivingherwhatshewants,Imovebackupherstomachandtoherleftbreast.Iteasehernipplewithmymouth.
“God,”shegroansinfrustration.“I’msoreadyforyou.Youhavetoknowthat.”
“Areyou?”IaskasImovemyhandbetweenusandverylightlyrunitalongtheseamofherpussy.Myfingersaredrenchedinherarousal.Lookingherintheeye,Isuckonmyfingers.“Fuck,”Igrindout.“I’vewantedyourpussyeversincethatfirsttaste.”
Idragmymouthbackdownherbody,swirlingmytonguearound,feelingherwrithingbeneathmeasIgrowcloserandclosertothespotbetweenherlegs.Idragmytongueoverherhipboneandthentoherinnerthigh.
“Please,don’tteaseme…please,”shecries.
“Youwantmymouth?”
Shenods.“Please,Jonah.”
Seeingthedesperationinhereyes,Iswitchplans.Iwantedtoconsumeherwithneedbyplayingaroundwithherinnerthighs,butthere’snopoint,soIspreadherlegswithmyhandsandmoveinbetweenthem.Herglisteningclitisreadyforme,sowithone,long,gentlestroke,Isoakherallup.
“Oh…God,”shegroanswhileherpelvisreachesforme.“More.Iwantsomuchmore.”
IpartherwithmyfingersasIdragmytongueveryslowlyoverherclit.I’mlanguidwithmystrokes,addingsufficientpressuretodrivehernuts,butnotenoughspeedtopushherovertheedge.
Andthat’showIkeepher,ontheedgewitheverypress,everylick.Idon’twanthertocome,notyet,notwhenI’mrightwhereIwanttobe.Pleasingher.Tastingher.Consumingher.
I’vedreamtofthis,ofthisverymoment,whereIcouldownthiswoman.Idon’twantittoend;Iwantittolast.IwanttoknowthatIcandrivehercrazywitheverypassofmytongue.
“JP,please,”shebegs.
Islowlyinserttwofingersinsideher,givinghermore,butnotmakinghercomeyet.
“Yes.”Sheshiftsundermygrasp.“Rightthere.Ohhhh,yes.”
Icurvemyfingersup,whileIpickupthestrokesofmytongue,turningthemmoreintoflicks,causingaslewofcursewordstofalloutofmybeautifulgirl’smouth.And,fuck,itturnsmeonevenmore.
Mydickissohard,it’spainfulasitpressesagainstmydresspants,offeringnoroom.Betweenthewayshefuckingtastes,andherreactiontowhatI’mdoing,IknowtheminuteIgetinsideher,I’mgoingtocome.
“JP,ohGod,I’m…I’mrightthere.”
Herconfessionmakesmepause,andIpullmymouthfromherclittolookupather.
Herchestisheaving,hereyesareravenous,andhermouthisdrawnintoafrownasshesays,“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Iwanttolookatyou,seewhatyoulooklikerightbeforeyoucome.”
Herhandsgripthecomforterbeneathusassheliesbackdown.“Please,JP,pleasedon’tmakemewait.Iwanttocomeonyourtongue.”
Well,fuck.
Ibringmymouthbacktoherclit,andinsteadoflicking,Isuckthelittlenubbetweenmylips,causinghertocalloutmynameandherlegstogripmetightly.
“Fuck,”shegroans.“OhGod…I’m—I’m…there.”
Isuckonemoretimebeforereleasingherandflickingmytongueagainstherclitoverandoveragainuntilshetensesaroundmeandyellsoutsomethingunintelligibleasshefallsovertheedge.Herhipsrideagainstmymouth,herarousalsoaksintomybeard,andIkeepmovingmytongueandfingersuntilshe’sbeggingmetostop.
IpullawayslightlytoseewhatI’vedonetoher.Towatchherunfold,torecoverwithhersatedbodystretchedoutalongthebed.
Mydickissopainfulrightnow,andIundomybelt,unbuttonmypants,anddragthezipperdown.HereyesflashuptomineandIgiveherashowasIslowlypushdownmypantsandbriefs,revealingmyagonizedcock.Itakeitintomyhand,gripthebase,andpull.
Fuck,thatfeelsgood.
“Iwantinsideyou,”Isay,draggingmyhandoverthehead.“Areyouonbirthcontrol?”
Shenods,herbodystillrelaxedfromherorgasm.
“Good,becauseIwantyoubare.”
Herteethrolloverherbottomlip.
“Youwantthat,don’tyou?”Iaskher.
Shenodsslowly.
“That’swhatIthought.Iwantitsofuckingbad.I’vealwaysusedcondoms,butwithyou,baby,Iwantnothingbetweenus.”Iliedownsomyheadisonapillow,andplacingonehandbehindmyhead,Inodforhertocomeovertome.
Shegetsuponallfoursandcrawlstowardme,herperfectbodymakingmegrowharderwitheverymoveshemakes.I’vealwaysthoughthertitswereamazing,butbeingabletotouchthem,suckthem,markthem,isbetterthanIimagined.Andit’swhyI’mlyingdown.Iwanttofuckherlikethis,soIcanwatchhertitsbounce,herfacealightinpleasure,whenI’mdeepinsideofher.
Straddlingmylegs,shesitsonmythighs.Shesmoothsherhandsupmyhipsandthenintowardmycock,grippingthebase.
Aharshhissescapesmylipsfromhertouch,warm…firm,justthewayIfuckinglikeit.
“JP?”
“Yes?”Iask,watchinghersmallhandpumpmycockveryslowly.
“Ireallylikeyou.”
Hell.Ifshe’stryingtoburyherselfundermyskin,she’sdoingagoodfuckingjob.
“Ireallylikeyou,too,babe.”
Shesmirksandthensitsuponherknees,positioningmycockatherentrance.Myjawclenches,readyingmyselfforwhatIknowwillbethemostamazingfeelingofmylife.
Thefirstinch—fuck,she’swarm,tight,perfect.
Thesecond,Ifeelmyeyesnearlyrollingtothebackofmyhead.
Thethirdandfourth,mychestisheaving.
Thefifth,sixth,seventh,eighth,ninth…Inearlyswallowmytongue.
AndwhenIbottomout,Iexhalesharply.Herhandsfalltomychestandherhaircascadesoverhershouldersandbeautifulface.
“OhmyGod…”shewhispers.“I…Ifeelso…sofull.”
Islidemyhandsupherthighsastheurgetothrustupissoconsuming,thatit’stakingeverythinginmetoholdback.
“Youokay,baby?”
Herheadfallsback,herhairfloatingwithher,asshenods.“Yeah.Ifeelsogood.”
“Perfect,becauseIneedtomove.Ineedtofuckyou.”
“Thenfuckme,”shesaysrightbeforeshepulsesontopofme.Imovemyhipswithher,pumpingupintoher.
Sowarm.
Sotight.
I’veneverfeltanythinglikeit,becauseI’veneverbeenbarewithawoman,ever.ButwithKelsey,IknewIneededtofeeleveryinchofher.Ineededtoknowwhatitfeltliketobepulledintoher,tofeelherpussyconvulsearoundme.
Andit’sheaven.
“Shit,babe,this…uhhhh,thisfeelssogood.”Iopenmyeyesandcatchherthrowingherheadbackinpassion,herperkytitsbobbingwithhermovements,herhairswayingbackandforth…itspursonmyimpendingorgasm.
Herhandstravelupherbody,tohertits,andshegripsthemtightly,herfingersmovingoverhernipples,pinchingthem.
“Mmmmm,yes,”shesays.
Suchagoddamnturn-on.
Igripherhipstighterandmoveherfasterovermycock.Everystrokeislikealanguidjoltofpleasure,pulsingstraighttomyballs,makingthemgrowtighterandtighter,butneverfullybringingmetowhereIneedtobe.Rather,Ijustedgemyselfout,ridingtheprolongedneedtocomebutnevergettingthere.
ThefrustrationtakesoverandIfliphertoherback.Sheletsoutastartledgasp,andwhileshe’sstillstunned,Igrabherhandsandpinthemtogetheroverherhead.Ilowermyheadtohertitsandsuckhernipplesintomymouth.
“OhmyGod,yes,”shecallsoutasIcontinuetopumpintoher.Nowincontrol,Icanswivelmyhipsjustright,Icanpulloutslowandhammerintoherhard.IcangetwhatIneedwhiledeliveringwhatsheneeds,aswell.
“Youfeelsogood,Kelsey.Sofuckinggood.”
Shewrapsherlegsaroundmyback,drawingmeincloser.Icanfeelthatshe’sclose,andI’mrighttherewithherasmylegsstarttofeellight,tingling,andnumb.Mygriponherhandsfeelslikeit’sgrowingweakasmyhipspulsefasterandfaster.
Thesoundofmyskinsmackingagainsthersfillstheroom.Ilowermyfreehandtoherstomach,justaboveherpubicbone,andpressdowngently.Hereyesflashwide,hermouthdropsopen,andasilentpleafallspastherlipsashercheeksreddenandherlegsclamparoundmeevenmore.
“OhmyGod…ohmyGod,yes…yes.Jonah,ohmyGod!”Herpussyclenchesaroundmycockandshecomes,mynamefallingoffhertongueoverandoveragain.
That’sallittakes.Myballsdrawintight,mycockswells,andwithonelastpulse,I’mcominginsideofher.
“Mother…fucker,”Igrindout,mymolarsnearlycrackingfromtheintenseorgasmthatripsthroughme,sendingmeintoablackholeofpurebliss.
IpulseafewmoretimesbeforeIcollapse,rightontopofher.
Holy…
Fuck.
Thatwas…hell,thatwasthebestsexofmyentirelife.AndIknowit’sbecauseofher,becauseofthefeelingsIpossessforher.Thiswasn’tmindlesssex,thiswasmeaningful.Thestartofsomethingnew.
“Shit,I’msorry,”IsayasItrytomoveoffher.
“No,stay,”shesays,wrappingherarmsaroundmeaswellandslowlydraggingherfingersovertheshortstrandsofhaironthebackofmyneck.
IpressmyforearmsintothemattresssoIcanalleviatesomeofmyweightandstaredownather.Oureyesconnect,andtogether,webothsmile,andthenlaugh.
“Whyareyoulaughing?”Iaskher.
“Becauseyou’relaughing.”
“Welaughedatthesametime.”
“True…Ijust—Idon’tknow,itallfeelsright.Iguessthat’smyresponsewhensomethingfeelssoright.”
“Itdoes,doesn’tit?”Iaskher,givingherachastekiss.
“Itdoes.”
“So,noregrets?”Iaskher.
“Noneatall.Doyouhaveregrets?”Herbrowdrawstogetherinconcern.
“Babe,Ialmosthadagoddamnheartattackwhenyouleftthisroom.I’mprettysureyoucouldlabelmeasthehappiestmanontheplanetrightnow.”
Shestrokesthehairthat’stippingovermyforehead.“Whydidn’tyousayanythingsooner?Whydidyouwaitsolong?”
“Itriedtellingyouafewtimes,butwewerealwaysinterruptedandthen,hell,IthoughtthatmaybeifIwooedyoufirst,you’dbemorewillingtogivemeachance.That’swhatI’vebeendoing.Iplannedtotellyoutonight,atdinner.UntilIsawyouweregoingoutwithDerek.”
“Thatmusthavehurtyousomuch.I’msorry,JP.Ineverwould’vesaidyestohisdateifIknewthat’showyoufelt.”
“Itwasanabsolutegutpunch,hencemypleadingwithyoutostay.”
“Well,I’mherenow,andI’myours.”
“Allmine?”Iask.“Yourealizewhatthatmeans,right?”
“What?”sheasks.
“ThatIwasright,menandwomencan’tworktogether—”
Sheclapsherhandovermymouth,haltingme.“Isuggestyoudon’tfinishthatsentence.”
Chuckling,Inipatherhanduntilsheletsgo,andthenIlowermylipstoherneckandstartkissingheralloveragain.Shesighsintomykiss,andforthefirsttimeinaslongasIcanremember,Itrulyfeelhappy.ChapterNineteen
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
SawyerandFallon
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.SawyerandFallon,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.
Sawyer:Thanksforhavingus.
Kelsey:IsawthatthemovieRunawayGroomsmanisreleasingthisfallandthatthescriptisbasedonyourrelationship.Isthattrue?
Fallon:Itis.Sawyerisafantasticscreenwriterforromancemovies,buthisdatinglifewasabsolutecrap.
Sawyer:Shespeaksfacts.
Fallon:Hisluckwasn’tgreat,either,becausehisgirlfriendactuallycheatedonhimwithhisbestfriend.
Kelsey:No,that’sawful.
Sawyer:That’snottheworstpart.Iwasthebitterbestmanattheirwedding,andhalfwaythroughtheceremony,IrealizedIdidn’thavetoputupwithhavingtowatchthemgetmarried.So…Ileft.
Fallon:Inthemiddleofthewedding,heranoutofthechurchrighttohiscar,thendrovetoCanoodle,wherewebothlivenow.
Sawyer:Inclassic,pitifullifefashion,IdrovetothefirstbarIsawandgotdrunk.
Fallon:Itwasn’tloveatfirstsight…becausewe’dactuallygoneonablinddateayearbefore,buthedidn’trememberme.
Sawyer:Stillfeellikeanassaboutthat.But,slowly—andImeanslowly—webecamefriends.Butshewaswithsomeoneelse,soIremainedherfriend,despitefallingforher.
Fallon:Atthetime,sinceIwaswithsomeoneelse,Icouldn’treflectonhowIfeltaboutSawyer.
Sawyer:Itwasn’tuntilaftershebrokeitoffwithherboyfriend—itwasamutualdecision—thatIslowlyshowedherIcouldbeherleadingman.
Fallon:OhmyGod,you’resocheesy.
Sawyer:Yeah,butyoustillloveme.
Fallon:Ido.
***
“Morning,”JPsaysasheleansagainstthekitchencounter,holdingamugofcoffee,lookingsofreakingfineinhisnavy-bluethree-piecesuit.
“Goodmorning,”Isay.Ifeelmycheeksheatup,because,ohmyGod,I’veneverinmylifehadasmuchsexasIdidlastnight.
Sixtimes.
Sixfreakingtimes.
Itwasasifheopenedadamtomylibido.Anytimeheevenpulledaway,Inuzzledbackintohim,wantingmore.
Hishands.
Hismouth.
Hiscock.
Ineededitall,andeverytimehewasdeepinsideme,withnothingbetweenus,Istilldidn’tfeellikewewerecloseenoughuntilwewerebothcomingtogether.I’veneverfeltanythinglikeit,thisblindingneedtobeattachedtoanotherhuman.
IfI’mhonest,thatneedhasbeenbuildingallweek.Witheverytimewehungout,everymealweshared,everyhugbeforewewentofftobed,Itriedtotellmyselfwewerejustfriends,thattherewasnothingmore,butmyheartknewbetter.ThemomentIsawthedevastationonhisfacebeforethedatewithDerek,Inearlysplitintwo.
Ilefthisroomwithonethingonmymind—lettingDerekgosoIcouldspendtherestofthenightinJP’sarms.Iknowitwasn’tfairtoDerek,andIplanonmessaginghimlater,butIcouldn’tleaveJP.Icouldn’tbearthelookinhiseyes,thepleadingformetostay.Itguttedme.Andintheblinkofaneye,itwasasifeverythingfellintoplace.
Theconversations.
Thedates.
Thetextmessages.
ThiswasthemanIwassupposedtobewith.
NotDerek.
NotEdwin.
NotsomerandomguyImightmeetonadatingapp.
JPhasbeenthemanallalong,andI’vejustbeentooblindtoseeit—untilyesterday.
“Areyougoingtogivemeakiss?”heasks,beforetakingasipofhiscoffee.
Smilingshyly,Iwalkuptohim,placemyhandonhischest,andthenstandonmytoesandpressakisstohislips.Hishandaroundmywaistholdsmeinplace.Ourmouthscollideinasweetconnection,notcarnalatall,butit’snice.It’sthesweetanddreamykissthatsendschillsupyourspinewhileyourstomachflutterswithexcitement.
“Yousmellnice.”
“Yeah?”Hesmirks.“NotsureI’llevergetusedtoyoutossingmeacompliment.You’vedespisedmeforsolong.”
“Ididn’tdespiseyou.Youwerejust…irritating.”
“LookslikeIdidagoodjobirritatingyouintomyarms.”Hewiggleshisbrows.
“Oryoudidagoodjobshowingmewhoyoureallyare,andIcouldn’tresistthat.”
“Youliketherealme?”
Inod.“Ireallydo.”Igivehimonemorekissbeforepullingawayandtakinghiscoffeewithme.Ileanagainstthecounteroppositehimandsipfromhismug.“I’msadthisisourlastdayhere,thatweleavetoday.”
Hesauntersovertomeandpressesmeagainstthecounter,placingbothofhishandsonmyhips.“YoufailtorealizethatI’mabillionaireandifwewanttocomeuphereeveryweekend,wecan.”
Iplaywiththebuttonsonhisshirt.“Itwon’tbethesame.Wewereinabubblehere.Imean,whenwegobacktoLA,areyoureallygoingtocometomystudioapartmentandhangout?”
“Ifyouwantmeto,Iwill.Hell,wecanspendeverynightthere,ifyouwant.”
“Doyouthinkyou’llbespendingeverynightwithme?”
Hishandsgripmetighter,thenheliftsmeupontothecounter.Hesettlesbetweenmylegsandsays,“Iexpectnothingfromyou.I’mjusttellingyouwhereI’mat.Ifyouwanttospendthenightwithme,that’syourchoice.IfIhaditmyway,you’dbecominghomewithmetonight.”
“Aren’tyounervous?”Iask.
“Nervousaboutwhat?”
“Idon’tknow…allofthis.”
Histhumbsrubagainstmyhipsashecalmlyasks,“Areyouhavingregrets?”
“No,”Isayquicklybeforesettingdownthemugandplacingmyhandsonhisshoulders.“Notatall.Idon’twantyoutothinkthat.Wejustjumpedintoitquicklyand,yes,lastnightwasthebestnightofmylife.Ijustdon’twanttogetlostinthephysical,youknow?”
Theslowestsmilefallsoverhislipsasheleansincloseandpressesakisstomycheek.“Igetit,babe.Youwanttodate,yeah?”
Whenhepullsaway,Islowlynod.“Imean,willwestillgoondates?”
Hechuckles.“Howaboutthis?Tomorrownight,I’llpickyouupatyourplaceandwe’llgoonadate?Doesthatwork?Ourfirstofficialdate.”
“Technically,ourfirstonewasattheblinddaterestaurant.”
“Yes,butwebothconsenttogoonthisone.”
“Verytrue.”Imovemyhandstothenapeofhisneck.“Youdon’tmindtakingmeonadate?Youknow,slowingdownfromlastnight?”
“Kelsey.”Helooksmeintheeyes.“EversincethemomentyouwalkedofftheelevatoratCaneEnterprises,I’vebeenwaitingforthemomenttocallyoumygirl.Slowingdownwon’tkillme,it’lljustmakeitbetter.”
HowonearthdidInotknowthismanwassosweet?Thathe’snotonlyunderstandingandkindheartedbutisalsoswoon-worthy?
“Thankyou.”
“Doyoufeelbetter?”
Myfingerstoywiththeshortstrandsofhishair.“Muchbetter.”Ileaninandgivehimawhisperofakissbeforeasking,“Youhaveameetingwiththemayorthismorning?”
“Yeah,thenIhavetorunacrosstowntomeetupwithEdisonaboutanotherbuildingwe’reinterestedin.Unfortunately,Iwon’tseeyouuntiltheairplane.”
“That’sokay.Areyouallpacked?”
“Yup,packedthismorning.”
“How?Ifeelhalf-awake.”
Hesmirks.“Babe,pluggingintoyoulastnightgavemealltheenergy.”
“Eww.”Iswatathischest.“Don’tsayyoupluggedintome.”
Helaughsoutloudandmoveshisarmsaroundme,pullingmeintoahug.“Nah,babe,I’mjusthighonexcitementrightnow.”Hekissesthesideofmyhead.“Itmeansmoretomethanyouwilleverknow,whenyoucamebacklastnight,whenyouchoseme.”
“Itwasaneasychoice,”Iadmit,causinghimtosighintomyhold.
“Fuck,IwishIdidn’thavetwomeetingstoday.”Hebringsmyhanduptohislipsandkissesmyknuckles.“I’llseeyouontheplane?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.Hepullsaway,andasheheadstowardthedoor,Icallout,“Hey,JP?”
“Yeah?”Helooksoverhisshoulder.
“I’mreallygladyoucametoSanFrancisco.Iknowyoureallydidn’twantto.”
“OnlybecauseIwasfuckinginfatuatedwithyou.”Hewinks.“Seeyouattheairport.”
Whenheleaves,Ipracticallymeltonthecountertopaseverythinghe’seversaidtomecomestotheforefrontofmymind.Theglances,thelighttouches,theteasing,thesweetgestures—itwasallthere.Italwayshasbeen,fromwhenIfirstmethim,andIwassodisappointedbecauseLottiehadruinedourpitchtoCaneEnterprises,tothewayheshowedmearoundtheofficewhenwewerefinallyhired,offeringmehelpwhenIneededit.Thenightofthegala,whenhesawhowupsetIwas,andinsteadoftakingoff,triedtomakemynightbetter.Thedinnerswe’vesharedandthetimewe’vespenttogetherinSanFrancisco.Hisgenuinecarehasbeenthere,I’vejustbeentooworriedtoactuallyseeit.
Worriedbecauseofhisreputation.
Worriedtofallforsomeonelikehim.
WorriedtoopenmyeyesandseeeveryfacetofJP.
ButIseehimnow.
Ihopoffthecounterandretrievemyphonefromthediningroomtable.IpullupmytextthreadwithLottieandshootheratext.
Kelsey:Boy,doIneedtotalktoyou.
Iwalkbacktomyroomandstartpackingagain,andI’malmostdonewhenLottietextsmeback.
Lottie:Thattextseemsjuicy.Tellmeeverything.
Kelsey:IwassupposedtogooutwithDereklastnight.
Lottie:Didhenotshowup?
Kelsey:No,hedid.JPjustintervened,toldmehehasbeenpiningformeforever,wantstobewithmeand…well,IsaidaquickgoodbyetoDerekandwounduphavingsexwithJP…sixtimes.
Lottie:OH.MY.GOD!Onlytookyoulongenough!Also,sixtimes…welcometosexwithaCanebrother.Howdoyoufeel?
Kelsey:Excited.Giddy.Slightlynervous.Butmostly…Ijustcan’twaittoseehimagain.Isthiscrazy?Imean,justafewdaysago,wewereateachother’sthroats.Andnowhe’s,well,he’skindofeverythingI’dwantinaman.AndthisisJP!IneverthoughtI’dsaythat.
Lottie:Isawitallalong.Iwasjustwaitingforittohappen.It’snotcrazy.Ithinkthegreatthingaboutyoutwoisthatyou’resuchopposites.That’swhyHuxleyandIworksowelltogether.Wechallengeeachother,butwealsosoothethepartsofeachotherthatneedextracare.IcanseethesameforyouandJP.
Kelsey:Yeah,Ithinkthat’sprettyaccurate.Idon’tknow.Ilikehim,Ireallydo.I’verealizedthatmoreandmoreoverthelastfewdays.I’mjustnervous.
Lottie:Aboutwhat?
Kelsey:ThatIwon’tbeenough.Thathe’llgettiredofme.Thathethinkshe’sreadyforarelationship,buthe’sreallynot,andI’llendupgettinghurt.
Lottie:Allvalidconcerns,butyouwon’tknowtheanswersunlessyoutry,unlessyoulethimtry.
Kelsey:Andifhehurtsme?
Lottie:Thenhe’llnotonlyhavetoanswertoHuxley,buthe’llhavetofaceme,aswell,andasyouknow,Idon’tletanyonehurtmysister.
Kelsey:Edwinhurtme.
Lottie:Andguesswhogotaglitterbombdeliveredtohishousewithanotethatsaidtoopenitinfrontofhiscomputer?He’sprobablystillpluckingglitterfromhiskeyboard.
Kelsey:Youdidn’t…
Lottie:Noonefuckswithyouandgetsawaywithit.AndifJPhurtsyou,well,justimaginethedamageIcando.
Kelsey:Imightbealittlescared.
Lottie:Good,IalwayswanteveryonetothinkI’mslightlyunhinged.Keepsthemontheirtoes.
Kelsey:IsomehowfeelbadforHuxley.
Lottie:Don’t,helovesit.And,also…don’tbeworryingaboutwhatcouldgowrongwithJP.Focusonwhatcangoright.Helikesyou.Youlikehim.Startthere.
Kelsey:You’reright.Thankyou,sis.
Lottie:Now,tellmemoreaboutthisnightofsex.Sixtimes!
***
“Youdidn’thavetohelpmeuptomyapartment,”IsayasIreachmyfrontdoor.
JPgivesmeapointedlook.“DoyoureallythinkIwasgoingtoletyoucarryyourluggageupherealone?”
“Iguessnot.”Iunlockmydoor,pushitopen,andthenscootoneofmybagsinasJPfollowsme,draggingmylargerbagbehindhim.“Youcanjustsetitoverhere.”
“Thisisyourplace?”JPasks,takinginmysix-hundred-square-footapartment.
“Yeah.It’ssmall,Iknow,butitdoesthejob.Ihopetogetabiggerplaceatsomepoint,butit’shardtofindanapartmentthat’sinagoodareaanddoesn’tcostmemywholepaycheck.”
Notsayinganything,JPwalksaroundthesmallplace,runninghisfingersoverthebistrosetIcalladiningtable,peekinghisheadintomykitchen,andevenopeningthedoortomyclosetandbathroom.Whenheturnstowardme,hestickshishandsinhispocketsandsays,“Ilikeit,babe.It’sveryyou.”
“It’ssmall,nothingcomparedtoyourhouse.”
“Whydoyouhavetodothat?”heasks.“Putdownyourplace?It’snotacompetition.Thisiswhereyoulive,beproudofit.”
Thatwarmsmyheart.
“You’reright.Idolikemyplace.It’sservedmewell.ButIdohopetohaveaplacebiggerthanthissomeday.”
Hewalksuptome,tugsonmyhand,andpullsmeagainsthischest.“Untilthen,maybewecanmakesomememorieshere.”
“Whatkindofmemoriesareyousuggesting?”
“Well,Iwasthinkingwecancuddleonyourbed,sharesomeicecream,andtalk?”
“JonahPeterCane,themanwhohassexonthebraintwenty-fourhoursaday,justwantstotalk?”Igivehimapointedlook.
“WhatdidItellyou?Yousaidyouwanttotakethisslow,sothat’swhatwe’lldo.IwanttospendsomemoretimewithyoubeforeIhavetokissyougoodnightandleave.”
Iplaywiththehemofhisshirt.“BeingtheromanticgirlthatIam,I’vealwaysdreamedofsomeonesayingtheywanttospendmoretimewithme,butI’veneverheardit.”
“Becauseyouweren’twiththerightguy.Noneedtolookanymore.I’mrighthere,”hesays,placingasoftkissonmylips.“And,thankfully,icecreamwillbehereshortly.Iaskedourdriver,Ramon,tostopbythecornerstoretograbussome,bankingonyousayingyes.”
“AndwhatifIsaidno?”
“ThenIwould’vegonehomeandeatenmyfeelings.”
Ichuckleandkisshisjaw.“Howaboutthis—weeaticecreamandIunpackwhilewetalk,becauseIcan’tpossiblybeinmyapartmentwithtwountouchedluggagebags.”
“Icanhelp.Icansortyourlingerie,ifyouwant.”
Irollmyeyesandpushhimtowardmybed.“YoujusthangoutthereandtalktomewhileIunpack.Idon’tneedyoumessingwithmysystem.”
“Okay,MonicaGeller,”hesays,floppingonmybed.
Ipointathisfeetandsay,“Uh,shoes,mister.Thoseneedtobetakenoff.”
Heglancesdownathisfeetandthenbackupatme.“Oh,thisisgoingtobefundrivingyounuts.”
“Tryme.I’mprettysureIknowwho’llwin.”
***
“Doyoudothiseverytimeyoucomehomefromatrip?”JPasksaroundhismouthfulofchocolatecookiedoughicecream.
“Yes.”
“Whathappenswhenyouarrivehomelate?”
“ThenIgotobedlate.”
“So,you’retellingme,youneedtosteamanddisinfectallofyourshoesbeforeyougotobed?”
Isetdownmysteamer,pickupmybowloficecream,andtakemylastmouthfulbeforesettingitbackdown.“Yes.IfIdon’t,Iwon’tgetanysleep.Itoldyou,Ihaveasystem,andthatsystemmustbefollowedbeforeIcantuckmyselfintobed.”
“Isee…whydoIfinditstrangelysexy?”
“Becauseyou’rederanged,”Ianswerwhilefinishingupwithmylastshoe.Iputawaymysteameranddisinfectantandthenzipupmysuitcases—thesmalleroneinthebiggerone—andsetthembymydoor.
“Wheredothosego?”
“Instorage.There’saunitinthebasementoftheapartmentbuilding.It’swhereIkeepmyholidaydécoraswellasanyextrasuppliesliketoiletpaper,papertowels,andanythingImighthavepurchasedasurplusofbecauseofagreatcoupon.”
“You’resofuckingefficient,itmakesmewanttoburymyheadbetweenyourbreasts.”
Ichuckle.“Areyousayingyoudon’thaveasurplusroom?”
“Uh,Ithinkmineiscalledapantry.”
“Ah,true.Isitorganized?”
Hewinces.“Ithinkyournippleswouldcurdleifyousawmypantry.”
“Whataboutyourbathroom?Isthatorganized?”
“Mytoothpastehasaspecificspotonmycounter,ifthat’swhatyoumean.”
“Yourfridge,isitcolorcoordinated?”
Hescratchesthesideofhisjaw.“Idon’teventhinkthere’sfoodinthere.”
“Underyoursink,aretheredrawerstoholdyourdishwasherpods?”
“Idon’tdodishes.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Laundry?”
“Ipaysomeonetocleanmyclothes.”
“Yourcloset,areyoursuitsorganizedbycolorandtexture?”
“Babe,I’mgoingtosettlethatcrazinessinyourvoicerightnowandtellyouthere’snowayinhellyouwillwalkintomyhouseandfeelcomfortable.Itisunorganized.”Heliesbackonmybedandputshishandsbehindhishead.“That’swhyIthinkit’sgreatthatwespendalotoftimehere.”
“Oh,noway.Uh-uh,nothappening.”Ishakemyhead.“Tomorrow,weshallspendourdateorganizingyourhouse.”
Hesitsuponhiselbows.“That’snotadate.”
“Itistome.Idon’tthinkanythingwouldmakemehappierthanseeingyouorganizeyourshoes.Ooo,andwecangotothecontainerstoretogether,grabsomefoodtogo,andthenjusthaveafrenzy.”
“Thatdoesn’tsoundappealing.”
Iwalkovertohim,straddlehislap,andplacemyhandsonhischest.“I’llwearacroptop,somethingwhereyoucanslipyourhandsaroundmybareskinwheneveryougetfrustrated.”
Hishandsfalltomythighs.“I’mlistening.”
“Andyou’llbegrantedonesolidmake-outsession,becausefrankly,IknowI’llbeexcitedfromalltheorganizing,andI’llwantsomeone-on-oneliptimewithyou.”
Helaughs.“Areyougoingtobemeanaboutit?Orwillyoubegentlewithmydisorganizedsoul?”
Ileandownsomymouthisinchesfromhis.“Gentle.Alwaysgentle.”
Hishandssmoothupmyback,andthen,intheblinkofaneye,heflipsmetomybackandcoversmewithhisstrong,warmbody.“YouknowIwanttomakeyouhappy,butdoyoureallywanttospendourfirstdateatmyplaceorganizing?”
“Ido.”
Hesighsheavilyandthensays,“Fine,butournextdateismyidea.Gotit?”
“Ithinkthat’sfair.”Igrabhimbythecollarandpullhiminclose.Hegentlypushesmyhairbehindmyear,thencupsmycheekbeforekissingme.
Wespendthenexthalfhourmakingout,andit’severythingIcouldaskfor.
***
“Kelsey.”
“What?”Iask,spinningaround,holdingtwobamboocontainersthatIplanonusingfortheproteinbarsinhispantry.
“Whatthehellareyouwearing?”
Iglancedownatmyjoggersandblackcroptopshirt.“Clothes.ItoldyouI’dwearacroptopforyou.”Icametohisplacewithasweatshirton,butalltheorganizinghasmademehot,soIditchedthesweatshirt.
“Yes,butyou’renotwearingabra.”
Oh…yes,that’scorrect.
Ismileandsay,“Oh,huh,musthaveforgottenit.”
Hiseyesnarrow,andit’squitecomical.
“That’snotwhatweagreedupon.”
“Areyoucomplainingaboutmenotwearingabra?Really?”
“Yes…you’remakingmehard.”
“Controlyourself.Wehavemoreorganizingtodo.”
“It’sbeentwohours.Can’twetakeabreak?”
“Andwheredoyousupposewetakeabreak?”
“Outside.Youhaven’tevenseenmypoolorbackyard.Wecanstareatthestars,takeabreathforasecond.”
Iglancebackatthepantry.“Well,Iguesswecouldtakeabreak.We’vereallyaccomplishedalot.Maybeabreakisinorder.”
Thereliefonhisfaceiscute.HeguidesmepastthestoragebinsIpurchasedforthepantry,andleadsmethroughthelivingroomtothelargeslidingglassdoors.Afteraslightpause,hepushespastthecurtainstoapanelonthewall,entersacode,andthenpressesafewbuttons.Likemagic,thepoollightsupinadeepbluecolor,bulbstringlightsdanceaboveus,andthelarger-than-lifepalmtrees,whichlinetheperimeterofhisbackyard,glowwithsoftuplighting.
“Wow,”Isay.“Thisis…thisisdreamy.”
“Ithoughtyou’dlikeit.”Heleadsmetoalargewhiteloungerinfrontofthepool,perfectlyplacedunderthecrisscrossingbulblights.“Willyousitwithme?”
“Ofcourse,”Ianswer.
Hetakesaseatfirstandthenguidesmedownbetweenhislegs,mybacktohischest.Ileanagainsthisbodyandusehimforsupport.Hewrapshisarmsaroundmyexposedstomach.
“Thisokay?”heasksquietly,whichsurprisesme,becausehe’salwaysbeenamanwhotakeswhathewants,sothefactthathe’scheckinginjustmakesmerespecthimthatmuchmore.
“It’sperfect,JP.”Andthen,inthedistance,veryunexpectedly,Ihearthetelltalesoundsofinstrumentalmusic.Butnotjustanyinstrumentalmusic.“WhydoIknowthissong?”Iaskhim.
Hisvoiceislow,likeawhisperofarumble.“Itwasthefirstsongwedancedtoatthegala.AninstrumentalversionofWildestDreams.”
“Yourememberedthat?”
“Kelsey,”hesayssoftly,“Iremembereverythingthatinvolvesyou.Everything.FromwhatyouworetheveryfirstdayImetyou—ablueturtleneckdress—tothewayyousmelledwhenwesharedanelevatorforthefirsttime—likevanillaandbrownsugar—tothewayyoutastedthefirsttimeIhadachancetobeintimatewithyou—likeafuckingsunsetonarainyday.Thissong…itwasengrainedinmybrain,andIjusthopedthatI’dgetachancetoplayitforyouagainoneday.”
Ialmostcan’thearhimfromthepoundingofmyownheart.“Ihad…Ihadnoidea.”
“Iknowyoudidn’t.Andthat’sokay.IsoakedyouupfromadistanceandwaiteduntilyoucouldseemeasthemanIreallyam.”
“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Itried,butalso,feargotintheway.Pridetookoveralotoftimes.You’renotaneasyshelltocrack.Youwereveryprofessionalwhenwefirstmet,sobreakingthroughthatwallwashard.”
“BecauseofLottie,”Isay.“BecauseofwhatshewasdoingwithHuxley.Iknowshehadtodowhatshedid,bothofthemdid.Slightlyunorthodox,butnotonlydidIunderstand,Iapproved.ButthatmeantIhadtoshowyouguysthatweweren’tsisterslookingforhandouts,youknow?Iwantedtokeepthingsasprofessionalaspossible.Iwantedtoshowyouwewerelegitbusinesswomen.”
“Therewasnodoubtthatyouwere,butIunderstandwhatyou’resaying.”
“Andfrankly,whenIfirstsawyou,Iknewyouweretrouble.Ithought..God,he’ssohandsome.”
“Didyou?”heasks,shockinhisvoice.
Inodagainsthischest.“Idid.Ireallythoughtyouwerealmosttoohandsometolookat.Myromanticmindwasreelingwithpossibilities,butIputthattobedreallyquicklybecauseI’dworkedsohardtoestablishmybusiness,andworkingwithCaneEnterpriseswasahugedeal.Ididn’twanttomessthatupwithacrush.”
“Acrush,nofuckingway.Idon’tbelievethat.”
“Idid.”IleanbackandtiltmyheadsoIcanlookupathim.“Atfirst,itwasacrush,butIworkedhardtointerpreteverythingyousaidordidasannoying.ThatannoyancegrewandIwasabletoblockoutthoseoriginalfeelingsandfocusonthebusiness.Butwitheverykindthingyoudid,Icouldfeelmyoriginalassessmentofyoubecomingmoreprominent.”
“AndwhataboutDerek?”
“Whatabouthim?”
“Whydidyougooutwithhim?”
“BecauseIwastrulylookingformysoulmate.”
“NeverthoughtI’dbethatperson?”
“Neverthoughtitwasanoption,”Ianswerhonestly.“Notjustbecauseofbusiness,butbecauseIknowwe’redifferentinsomanyways.You’remoreexperienced,you’remoreoutgoing,you’remore…Ifeltyouwereoutofmyleague.”
“That’sbullshit,”hesays,hisvoicenotangry,moredisbelieving.Hishandslidesovermystomachandhisthumbcasuallyrubsagainstmyheatedskin.“Kelsey,I’mnowherenearyourstratosphere.Hell,I’mluckyyouevenlookedmyway.”
“Stop,youknowthat’snotthetruth.”
Hetiltsmyheadbackandliftsmychinsomylipsareathisdisposal.“Babe,it’sthetruth.”Heleansdownandpressesasweetkisstomylips.It’snotlong,butit’sdeliciousandcausesmetogroanasheleansaway.“Fuck,whenyoumakethatsound…”Hishandslidesacrossmystomachagain,andthistime,histhumbcaressestheundersideofmybreastbriefly.“AskmesomethingsoIdon’tstripyoudownandpullyouintothepoolwithme.”
Thethoughtofthatisincrediblyappealing.Veryappealing.SoappealingthatIsquirmunderhistouch,wantinghimto“accidentally”touchmybreastagain.
Butwe’retakingitslow.
We’retryingtonotbeallaboutlust.
So,IclosemyeyesandblockoutthedesireIhaveforthismanwhileattemptingtothinkofaquestion.
“Umm…what,uh…what’syourfavorite…um…”
Position?
Waytobesuckedoff?
Sextoy?
God,what’swrongwithme?
“What’smyfavoritewhat?”heasks,hishandonceagainsmoothingovermystomach,histhumbdraggingsoclosetomybreast,mybarebreast—thankyou,croptop—thatalowthrobstartspulsingbetweenmylegs.
Bodypart?
Pieceoflingerie?
Waytomakemecome…
“God,Idon’tknowwhatIwasgoingtoask,”Isaybreathlessly.
“Hmm,maybeIcanaskyousomething?”
“It’sgoingtobenaughty,isn’tit?”
Hechuckles.“Whywouldyouassumethat?”Goosebumpseruptashisfingersdanceacrossmystomachagain.Igaspwhenhisthumbconnectswithmybreast.
Ipressbackagainsthischest.“Because,you’reattemptingtoturnmeon,andit’sworking.”
“Babe,I’mnotattemptingtodoanything.”Histhumbskimsjustbelowmynipple.
“Jonah,”Iwhisper.Thespotbetweenmythighsisnowaching.
“Yes,baby?”heasks,pressingakissonmyneck.
“Youknowexactlywhatyou’redoing.”
“Idon’t.”Heswipeshisthumbovermynippleagain,andbecausethere’sfabricbetweenhisthumbandmybreast,Idon’tgettheintensesensationthatIwantfromhistouch.“Ijustwanttomakeyoucomfortable.Areyoucomfortable?”
“Notanymore.”Iwiggleagainsthimandrestmyheadtotheside,exposingmoreofmyneck.
“Shame.HowcanImakeyoumorecomfortable?”Hislipskissupthecolumnofmyneck,gentle,lightpecks,leavingatrailofchillsalongmyarms.
“Youknowwhatyoucando.”
“Unfortunately,I’mataloss.”Hislipsrideclosetomyearasheseductivelysays,“You’regoingtohavetotellme…orshowme.”
God,he’stemptingme.He’sgivingmetheoptiontoexplore.
AndIdesperatelywanttoexplore.
Justalittleteasing.
Justalittlerelief.
Imovemyhandtothenapeofhisneckandanchormyselftohimasmyotherhandgripstheonethat’srestingonmyexposedstomach.Onadeepbreath,Ibringitundermyshirtandrestitjustbelowmybreast.
Ifeelhimhardenagainstmybackandthat’smoreofaturn-onthanwherehisactualhandis.KnowingIcandothattohim,thatIcanturnhimonasmuchashedoesme.Thismanwho’sunruly,who’ssexy,who’ssomeoneIneverthoughtwouldlookmyway…Icanmakehimlosecontrol.Itmakesmenotonlyfeelpowerful,butalsoincrediblydesirable,andIcan’trecallthelasttimeIactuallyfeltthat,ifever.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,”hewhispers.
“Iwanttoknowwhatyou’ddotomeifIwerenaked,inyourpool.”
Hegroansintomyear,andhiserectionbecomesevenmoreprominentagainstmybackside.Iencouragehisthumbtodragovermybarenipple,andhedoesjustthat,causingmetoclenchmyteeth.Thatfeels…sogood.
Thepulsingbetweenmylegsbecomesheavy,needy,andmylegswiden,eventhoughhe’snowherenearthem.
“Ifyouwerenakedinmypool,first,I’dmakeyoudunkyourselfcompletelysoIcouldwatchthewaterdropletsrolloffyouramazingtits.”HesqueezesmybreastandImoanagainsthishold.“ThefuckingsexiesttitsI’veeverseen.AndIfuckingmeanthat.Justbigenoughformyhands,perky,withthesehardnipplesthatdrivemenuts.Andyou’resoresponsivewhenItouchthem.”HerollsmynipplebetweenhisfingersandIgroanbeforeliftingmyshirtcompletely,exposingbothbreastsforhim.“Fuck,baby.Youmakemesogoddamnhard.Doyoufeelthat?”
“Ido,”Ianswer.“Ilovethatyougethardjusttouchingme.”
“Youhavenofuckingclue.”Whileoneofhishandsplayswithmynipple,theotherdragsovermystomachagain,towherethewaistbandofmypantsmeetsmyskin.“Butifyouwerenaked,inthepool,Iwouldn’tjustbetouchingyoulikethis.I’dbeexploringyourslick,wetskin.I’dlayyouacrosstheedgeoftheendlesspool,wherethewaterfallsover.”
Hisfingersstroketheelasticofmysweatpants.
Hisotherhandmovesfromonebreasttotheother,andhecasuallycaressesmyskin.
Featherliketouchesthatdrivemecrazy,butdon’tquitepushmeovertheedge.
“I’dstartatyourtits.I’dsuckonyournipples,envisioningwhatitwouldbeliketoslipmydickbetweenyourbreastsandfuckthem.”
Iwanthimtodothat.Thethoughtofitmakesmeevenhotter.Sohotthatthesesweatpantsfeelstiflingnow.
“AndthenI’dmovetoyourstomach,tojustaboveyourpussy.”Hepresseshisfingersagainstthespothe’stalkingabout,abovethefabricofmypants.“AndI’dteaseyou,overandoveragainwithmytongueuntilyoutugonmyhairsohardthatit’spainful.”
Myfingersinchtowardhishairashereleasesmybreastandmoveshishandtomyhip,whereheslipshisfingersundertheelasticofmypants.
“You’renotwearingunderwear?”heasksme.
Ishakemyhead.“Didn’tthinkIneededto.”
“Youfuckingtease,”hewhispers,spreadinghishandswidesohisthumbsrestjustabovemypubicbone.
Fuck.
Me.
Isquirmagainsthistouch,buthestillsmeashesays,“WhenIknewyoucouldn’ttakeitanymore,I’dpartyouwithtwofingersandeatyourpussy.Fuck,Icantasteitrightnow,sweetandsalty,fuckingdeliciousonmytongue.”Histhumbsdraginwardandthenpullbackasmypelvisrises.Igriphisnecktighter.
“You’remakingmesowet.”
“Good,”hesays,pushingmypantsdownuntiltheyjustbarelycoverme.
Needingmorecontact,Iliftthehemofmyshirtupandovermyhead,leavingmetoplessandrestingonhischest.
“Youwantsomuchmore,don’tyou,baby?”
“Yes,”Iwhisper,bringingoneofmyhandstomybreasts.Mytouchisnowherenearlikehis,andallitdoesisfrustrateme.“Please,dosomething.”
“ButI’mnotdonetellingmystory,”hesaysbeforedragginghistongueovermyneck.Unsureofwhattodowithmyhands,Ireachbehindmeandholdontohimonemoretime,wishingIcouldstrokehisstiffcockpressedagainstme,andthenlistentohimmoanwhileIpleasurehim.“I’dfuckyouwithmytongue,overandoveragainuntilyou’rebeggingmetostop,andthen,andonlythen,wouldIloweryouagainsttheedge,propyourassup,andeatyououtalloveragain.I’dclaimyourcunt,makesureyouneverforgetwhomakesyoucomethewayIdo.”
Mylegsshiver.
Mybodyshakes.
AndIshift,causingmypantstofalloffthecurveofmyassandpastmypussy,exposingme.Ispreadmylegsandwigglethepantsdownuntilthey’reatmyknees.ThenIshimmyoutofthemandleavemyselfcompletelynakedontheloungerwithhim.
“HereIthoughtweweretakingthingsslow,”hesaysashedragsthebacksofhisfingersupmystomach—notthedirectionIwanthimtogo.
“Youcan’tturnmeonlikethisandexpectmetojustsithere,unfazed.”
“Ididn’t.Iwashopingthisiswhereitwouldendup,withyouwrithingformore.Now,thequestionis,willIletyoucome?”
IpauseandturnsoIcanlookathim.“Don’tyoudare.”
Hejustsmiles.
“YourealizeIcanmakemyselfcome,right?”
Igotoreachbetweenmylegs,buthetakesmyarms,shiftsthembehindmyback,andthenlocksmeagainsthischestsoquicklythatIdon’thaveamomenttobreathe.Itrytoclosemylegs,butheloopshisanklesoverandundermine,spreadingmeevenwider.
I’mtrapped.
Pinneddown.
AndI’veneverbeenmorearousedinmylife.
IknowifItoldhimtostop,hewould.
IknowifItoldhimIdidn’twantthis,he’dredressmeandreturntoourconversation.
ButIdon’twantthat.
Iwantthis.
Iwanthimowningme.
Controllingme.
Teasingme.
“Nowwhatareyougoingtodo?”heasks.
IletoutadeepsighasIleanintohishold,notfightinghim.“Iguesslistentoyou.”
“Goodgirl,”hewhispersandthenhedrawslazycirclesonmyinnerthigh.“Now,asIwassaying,onceIfuckedyouwithmytongueagain,I’dletyoucatchyourbreathbeforeIbroughtyouovertothesteps.ThenI’dsitdownonthetopstepsomycockthat’sbeggingforyouisabovewater.”
Iwetmylips.
“AndI’ddemandthatyoureturnthefavor.”Hislipsdanceovermycheek.“Wouldyou?”
“Noquestion,Iwould.Iwantmymouthonyourcocknow.”
HegroansanddragshisfingersoverthespotjustabovewhereIwanthim.Hetoyswithmethere,dippinglowerandloweruntilhe’splayingwithmyslit.Itrytomove,trytogethimwhereIwanthim,butheholdsmestill,hisstrongbodytakingcontrol.
“Tellmehowyou’dsuckmeinthepool.”
Mylungsfeelheavyastheyworkharderforair.“Iwould…I’dhaveyouholdmyhair.I’dexpectyoutogripithard,guidingmeasIlowermymouthtothetip.I’dswirlmytongue,aroundandaround.”Hispelvismovesagainstmyback,themovementsosmallthatitcan’tpossiblydomorethandrivehimnuts.“AndthenI’daskyoutospreadyourlegssoIcouldplaywithyourballswhileItakeyourlengthallthewaytothebackofmythroat.”
“Baby…”hewhispers.“Wouldyougag?”
“Iwould.ButI’ddoitalloveragain.”
“Fuck,”hebreathesashisfingersslideoveronesideofmypussy,butneverdipinside.
“I’dplaywithyourtaint.I’ddragmyfingersovertheseamofyourscrotum.I’dlickthelengthofyourcock,andthenrepeatthatuntilyoutugonmyhair,showingmeyoucan’ttakeitanymore.”
“YourdeviltonguewouldmakemewanttocomesoonerthanIprefer.”Hedipshisfingertomyarousal,barelytouchesmyclit,andthenremoveshishandcompletely,bringingitbacktomystomach.
“Nooo,”Igroan.“JP,don’tmoveyourhand.”
“Areyoutryingtotellmewhattodo?”heasksashelightlymoveshisfingersovermybreasts,circlingmyareolas,butnevergivingmewhatIwant.
“Yes,you’remakingmesohot,sowet.”
“Good.”Hishandmovesbackbetweenmylegsandreststhere,hispalmcuppingme,hisfingerspresent,butnotdoinganything.“Wouldyouletmecomeinyourmouth?”
“Yes.”
Hepressesdownononefinger,thentheother,switchingbetweenthetwoanddrivingmesofuckingcrazythatIfeelsweatdripdownmyback.
“Wouldyouswallow?”
“Yes,”Ianswer,myvoicepleadingindesperation.
“Goodgirl,”hesays,thenhespreadsmeandpressestwofingerstomyclit
“Yes,”Icryout,mychestarchingasI’mgrantedsomerelief.Hemoveshisfingers,upanddown,upanddown,themotionsofullofwhatIneedtorelievethisgrowing,gnawingpressurebetweenmylegs,thatIrelaxagainsthischest,againsthispressingerection,andjustlethimtakeover.“Rightthere,”Ipant.“Pleasedon’tstop.”
“Iwouldn’tcomeinyourmouth,”hesays,bringingmebacktothefantasy.“Iwouldn’twantto.I’dbringmyselfrighttotheedgeuntilIpulledonyourhair,tuggingyouoffmycock.”
Herubsfaster,andeverythingaroundmefadestoblackasIfeelmybodyclimbcloserandcloser.Thisunbridledpulsethrobsupmylegs,downmyarms,andcollectsbetweenmylegs.It’sthere.I’mrightthere.
“Yes.OhGod,I’mgoingto—”
Heremoveshishandandrestsitonmystomach,unmoving.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Icryoutinabsoluteshockandpain.
“Listenclosely,baby…areyoulistening?”
Barely.MybodyisinternallyroaringsoloudlythatIcanbarelyhearthelightwhipofwindrustlingthroughthepalmleavesaboveus.
“Y-yes,”Istammerout.
“Good.Thisiswherethefunbegins.”
“Whatfun?”Iask,myorgasmstartingtofadeaway,leavingmewiththishollowfeelinginthepitofmystomach…somethingmoremaddeningthananythingI’veeverexperienced.
“ThisiswhereIteachyouaboutlisteningtome.”
“Listeningtowhat?”
Hedragshisfingerovermybodyagain,uptomybreasts,wherehedrawstightcircles,andthenbacktomystomach.“Thisbody,whenit’snaked,belongstome.Doyouagree?”
Ibitemylowerlipandnod.Heownsme.That’sundeniable,especiallyinthismoment.
“Andwhenyou’renaked,notonlydoIownyourbody,butItellitwhenitcancome,andyou’renotallowedtocomeyet.”
“Whynot?”
Herollsmynipplebetweenhisfingers.“Isuggestyoudon’tquestionme,unlessyouwanttoliehereallnight,beingteasedwithnorelief.”
MylipssealshutbecauseIbelievehewoulddothat.
IbelievehewouldlettheonlypleasureIreceivebefromthewindgentlylappingagainstmyarousal.
“Sorry,”Isay.
Hislipslandonmycheek,justinfrontofmyear.“It’sokay,baby.You’relearning.Tellme,howareyoufeeling?”
“Frustrated.”
“Perfect.”Hedragshishandbackdownmystomachandonceagainslipstwofingersagainstmyclit.Isighintohistouchandrelaxagainsthischestasheholdsmeinplace.“Now,backtothepool.Itugyouoffmycock,becauseI’mnotreadytocome,notuntilIownyourpussy.Howwouldyouwantmetotakeyou?”
Hisfingerscausemetoclimbagain,andithappensfasterthanbefore.Mymindisfixatedonwhathe’sdoingwithhisfingersashisotherhandmovesuptomybreasts.Hecirclesmynipples,teasingme,tauntingme,drivingmydesireforhimhigherandhigher.
“Yes,”Imoan.“Rightthere.”
Hesnapshishandawayandgripsmychin,forcingmetolookathimasheleansovermyshoulder.“Iaskedyouaquestion,Kelsey.”
Mymindreels.
Myhearthammers.
Mylegsgocompletelynumb.
“I’m…I’msorry.Iwasn’tlistening.”
Hesmirksandrestsagentlekissonmylips.“Atleastyou’rehonest.”Andthenheslipshisfingersintomymouth.Itastemyself,andIhavenoideawhatcomesoverme,butIsuckonhisindexfinger,andthemostsatisfiedlookcrosseshisface.
“Fuck,baby.”Hestartsfingeringmeagain,andthistime,hispaceisfaster.“Now,answerme,howwouldyouwantmetofuckyouinthepool?”
Hisfingersflyovermyclit,massaging,applyingtheperfectpressure,drivingmewildwithneed.Breathlessly,Ianswer,“Frombehind.”
“Behind?”Heremoveshishand,andIsqueezemyeyesshutsotightlythatIalmostfeeltearsspringforth.“Youlikeitfrombehind?”Inod.Hetweaksmynippleandmychestfliesagainsthishandasmyheadwhipstothesideonagroan.
“Ido,”Ianswer.“Iloveitfrombehind.”
“Whatelsedoyoulike?DoyoulikehowI’medgingyou?Bringingyousoclosetoyourorgasmandthentakingitaway?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.Iwantrelief.”
“But,baby,we’retakingitslow.Thisisslow.”
“Thisisblissfultorture.”
Herollsmynippleafewmoretimesbeforereleasingmybreast.Onceagain,heremovesanytouchandletsmeliethere,trappedinhisembrace.Likeafeather,heslowlyandlightlyrunshiscoarsebeardovermyneck,acrossmycheek,andbackdownagain,hisbreathticklingmerightbeforehepressesthefaintestofkissestomyshoulder.
“Howdoyouwanttocome?”
“Idon’tcare,”Isay.“Justletme.”
Fingersstrokedownmyinnerthighandthenuptomyentrance.ItiltmypelvisupasbestasIcan,andheslipstwofingersinsideofme.
“Iwishthatwasyourcock,”Isay.
“Metoo,butI’mhonoringwhatyouwant.I’mjusthavingfuntouchingyou.”Hemoveshisfingersinandout,butitisn’tenough,it’snotevenclosetoenough,andheknowsitasIwritheunderhistouch.
“Pleasetellmeyou’llletmecome.Please,JP.”
“Onethingyouneedtoknow,Kelsey”—hekissesmycheek—“isthatI’llalwaysletyoucome.Ifyoutrustmewithyourbody,you’llalwayscome.”Thenhepresseshisthumbtomyclit.
“Yes,”Icryout.“Please,pleasedon’tpullaway.”
Thebuildup.
Thepressure.
Thenumbnessinmybodysincehestartedthisisfluctuatinginwaves.Consumingme,thenfading,consumingmemore,thenfadingless,andnowconsumingmesomuchthatI’msoclose,sofreakingclose…
“I’m…I’mgoing…”
“Notyet.”HemoveshishandandIcryoutinfrustration.
“Jonah…please.”Tearsspringtomyeyesandhetwistsmychintofindmylips.Hepartsthemandopen-mouthkissesmeasheonceagainpressestwofingerstomyclitandrubsitoverandoveragain.I’msohighonthefeelingofhim,soover-the-topturnedonthatIfeelmybodyfloatintoaeuphoricstate.
“Ifuckingloveitwhenyousaymyname,”hemurmursagainstmylips.Removinghismouth,hegripsmyjawandwhispersintomyear,“Youmaycome.”
Hisfingersflyovermyclit,hispermissionfeelinglikeawallhasbeenbroken.Irelaxintohistouch,intotheoverwhelmingrapturethat’sthrobbingthroughmyveins.
Pulseafterpulse,I’mdrivenhigherandhigheruntilIfeelmyorgasmcrest.Justafewmorestrokes.
“Pleasedon’tpullaway.I’m…ohGod,I’msoclose.”
“Iwon’t.”Hekissesmyneck.“Come,baby.”
Hisfingersmovewildlyovermyclit,mystomachbottomsout,mylegsfeellikethey’refloating,andwithonelastpassofhisfingers,I’mcoming,cryingouthisnameoverandoveragainaswaveafterwaveofpleasureripsthroughme
“Fuck…yes,Jonah.OhmyGod.Ohfuck…ohfuck.”MypelvisfliesupandwhenIthinkmyorgasmisgoingtofade,itdoesn’t.Itkeepspullingmein,drawingmeintoaballofnothinguntiltearsfalldownmycheeksandIfallintoalifelessversionofmyself,completelyandutterlysated.
Onadeepbreath,heremoveshishand,arms,andlegs,andthenliftsmeintoacradledposition,holdingmecloseasIrestmyfaceonhischest.
Lovingly,hestrokesmyhair,pressinggentlekissestomyforehead.Outofnowhere,hepullsablanketoverthetwoofusandholdsmetight.
“Areyouokay?”heasksinasoftvoice,thedemanding,controllingmannowheretobeseen.
“I’m…perfect,”Ianswer.
I’mawarethatI’mnaked,inhisarms.
I’malsoawarethathiscockisrigidbeneathme.
ButwhenItrytomoveoutofhisarms,hedoesn’tletme,soinstead,Ilethimcradleme.
“You’reeasilythesexiest,mostoutstandinglygorgeouswomanI’veeverfuckingheldinmyarms.AndI’mstillinaweyouchoseme.”
Iwanttoaskhowhecouldbesoblind.Iwanttotellhimitwashimallalong,butIcan’t,becauseIknowittookmeasecondtorealizehowIfeelabouthim.ButnowthatIknow,Ican’tpossiblyeverseemyselfwithanyoneelse.
“I’msoconnectedtoyou,JP.AndIdon’twanttoscareyou,but…Ireallylikeyou,andIknowdeepdowntomyverycore,thatyouhavethepotentialtoabsolutelydestroyme.Therewouldbenorecovering.”
“I’llneverhurtyou.”Hekissesmyhead.“Never,baby.”
***
TheslidingglassdoorshutsandLottiespinstome.Withdesperateeyes,shewhispers,“Tellmeeverything.”
Lastnight,afterJPfinallyletmecome,wespenttherestoftheeveningholdinghands,talking,andcasuallyorganizinghiskitchen.Hekissedmeeverychancehegot,andIswoonedwitheveryglance,everywhisperedwordhesaidtome
Ilefthisplacefeeling100percentsmitten.
WhenIwokeupthismorning,hewasatmydoorwithcoffee.Hemademecomebeforetakingashower,andthenwhenItriedtomakehimcome,hewouldn’tletmeandremindedmehe’stakingthingsslow.WhichIthinkmeans,he’sshowingmethisisn’tabouthislustfulneeds.Hewantsmyheart,mymind.Therestwillcomelater.
Andwhenwewereintheoffice,goingoverthesolarpowerplansfortheAngelica,he’dsmoothhishandovermythigh,stealglances,andoccasionallylinkourfingerstogether.He’sattentive,loving,caring,anddemanding.EverythingI’veeverwanted,anditstillfeelstoogoodtobetrue.WewereinthemiddleoftalkingaboutsolarpanelplacementwhenHuxleycameinandaskedustodinnerathishouse.Iwasn’tsureifJPhadtoldhisbrothersornot,butitseemedlikeHuxleywasverymuchintheknow,anditdidn’tseemlikeheminded.
NowthatI’mhere,attheirplace,Iknowforafacthedoesn’tcare.Hestillwearsacalculatinggaze,butit’sdirectedatJP,notme.
Leaninginclosetomysister,Isay,“Lottie,I’msoinfatuatedwiththeman.”
“OhmyGod,Icantell.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyouthishappy.Thesmileonyourface,ohmyGod,Kelsey…itmakesmesofreakingfullofjoy.”
“Hemakesmehappy.He’sso…God,Idon’tknowhowtosayit.Thereusedtobesuchconstantbickeringandirritation,butthemomentthedambroke,hebecamethisoverprotectivealphathatwon’tletanythinghurtme.Hepossessesmeinalltherightways,buthe’salsoallaboutmebeingindependentandbuildingmybusiness.”
Lottienods.“It’stheCaneway.Don’tyourememberhowHuxleyandIwereateachother’sthroats?Andthen,wejust…slippedintoeachotherandit’sbeenhardtobreathewithouthimsince.”
“Yes.”Iglancetowardthehouse,wheretheboysareputtingtogetherdinner,mostlikelytalkingaboutus.“It’sbeenafewdays,andIcanfeelmyself…God,Icanfeelmyselffallingforhim,hard.”
Lottiequietlyclapsthetipsofherfingers.“Ohhhh,thismakesmesohappy.Ijustknewit.Iknewyoutwowouldbeperfectforeachother.”
“I’mjustterrifiedthatsomethingisgoingtogowrong.Someway,somehow,thisisalltoogoodtobetrue.”
“It’snot.Don’tthinkthatway.Hereallylikesyou.Icantellfromthewayhelooksatyou,thewayhesitsnearyou,andhowherestshishandonyourthigh.He’sinfatuated,hehasbeenforawhile.Thisisit,Kelse,thisiswhatyou’vebeenwaitingfor.”
Irollmyteethovermybottomlipandsay,“Ithinkitis,too.Evenbeforewegottogether,whenwewerejusthangingoutaswhatIthoughtwasfriends,heunderstoodme.Hesupportedme.HeknewwhatIneeded.I’mjust…”Ipressmyhandstomycheeks.“Ilikehimsomuch.”
Theslidingglassdooropensandtheboyswalkoutholdinglarge,woodencharcuterieboardsstackedfullofcrackers,cheeses,meats,jams,spreads,andfruit.Theysetthetraysdownonthecoffeetableinfrontofus,andthenJPtakesaseatnexttome,slippinghisarmbehindmebeforeleaninginandtiltingmyfacetowardhimtoplaceagentlekissonmylips.
Whenhepullsaway,hewhispers,“Talkaboutme?”
Ican’thidemysmile.“Yes.”
“Goodthings?”
“Greatthings.”
“Huxley,lookatthem,”Lottiecoos.“God,I’msohappyrightnow.”
IcatchHuxley’sglaretowardJPashesays,“I’mhappy,too.”
Buthedoesn’tlookhappy.Notevenalittle.
Laterthatnight,whenJPiswalkingmetomyapartmentdoor,Iaskhim,“IseverythingokaywithHuxley?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”JPasks.Whenwereachmydoor,hetakesmykeysfrommeandunlocksitforme.HeholdsthedooropenandIwalkin,withhimfollowingcloselybehind.
“Hedidn’tlookhappy.Iknowhesaidhewashappyforus,butIcan’thelpbutthinkhemightbeupset.Ishemadatme?”
JPshutsthedoor,thenleansagainstit.Hepullsmeinclose.Holdingmyhands,hesays,“He’shappyforus,buthe’sbasicallyshootingoffwarningsignstome.Hedoesn’twantmetohurtyou.Iassuredhimthatwasn’tgoingtohappen,buthe’smoreprotectiveofyouthanme.”
“Oh.So,he’snotmadatme?”
“Notevenalittle.I’msureifyouaskLottietomorrow,she’llconfirmthat.Asheexplainedtomeinthekitchen,Lottieishiseverything,andwhat’simportanttoherisimportanttohim.Apparently,youtrumpmenow,andhonestly”—herubsthesideofhisjaw—“I’mokaywiththat.Hegavemethespeechnottohurtyouorhe’llhurtme.”
Ismileatthat.“Well,lookatmehavingabigbrother.”
“That’sexactlywhatheis,andIhatetoadmitit,butImightlovehimevenmoreforlookingoutforyou.”
“So,doesheapprove?”
JPnods.“Withcaution.Helikestheideaofus,buthewantstomakesureI’minthis.ItoldhimIwas,thatIwasonehundredpercentinvestedinmakingyouhappy,andthatwasn’tevergoingtochange.”
MyheartfluttersandIclosetheminimalspacebetweenus.Irunmyhandsuphischest,tohisjaw,thenpullhimclosertomymouth.“Youmakemehappy—youknowthat?”
“Same,babe.”Hewrapshishandaroundthebackofmyheadandveryslowlykissesme,thedeliciousfeelingofhislipsspreadingthroughmyveins,allthewaytothetipsofmytoes.
Yup,I’mfallingsohardforthisman.HarderthanI’veeverfallenbefore.ChapterTwenty
JP
“Thisisabsolutelybreathtaking,”Kelseysaysasshetakesinthe360-degreeviewoftheSanFranciscoskyline.“Ican’tbelieveyouflewusbackuphereforourfirstofficialdate.”
“Feltonlyfitting.”
Withthemeetingspilinguponmycalendar,Iknewwaitinguntiltheweekendwouldbebest,andIknewIwantedithere.Iwantedtospoilher.Isentheragreen,off-the-shoulderdressthatIpersonallypickedoutbecauseIknewitwouldaccentuateeverythingIlikeabouther—hercurves,thecolorofhereyes,andherslendershoulders.Ihadsomeonedoherhairandmakeupatherapartment.WhenIpickedherup,Iblindfoldedherandbroughthertotheairport,slippingoffherblindfoldasweboardedtheplane.Ikeptmyeyesonhertheentiretyoftheshortflightup,happytoseeherbeamingwithexcitement.Ididn’ttellherathinguntilthedriverpulleduptoParksideandopenedthedoorforher.
NothingfeelsmorefittingthanbeingatParksidewithherwhenIcanfinallycallhermine.
“I’vehadthechefcreateaspecialmenuforus.Ihopethat’sokay.”
Shesmiles—fuck,Ilovethatsmilesomuch.“Thatsoundsamazing.”Thensheleansinandsays,“Nottoputtoomuchpressureonyou,butanychancewecangetsomehoneycakebeforeweleaveSanFrancisco?”
“Onestepaheadofyou,babe.”
Shetiltsherhead,suchjoyinhereyes.“Youreallydoknowhowtowooagirl,don’tyou?”
“Onlyyou,”Ianswerjustasourfirstcoursecomesout.
AbowlisplacedinfrontofeachofusaswellasatraditionalMelamineAsiansoupspoon.Then,withaclothdrapedoverhisarm,ourwaitersays,“Mr.Cane,MissGardner,I’dliketopresentyourfirstcourse.AnAsiancurriedsoupwithsweetpotatoes,chickpeas,andcoconutmilk,artfullyseasonedwithMalaysianflavors.Enjoy.”
Heleavesusintheprivateroomreservedformeandmybrothers.
Whispering,Kelseysays,“Ithinkthisisthefanciestrestaurantexperienceofmylife.”
“It’snottoomuch,isit?Becausewecangosomewhereelse.”
“No,notatall.Imean,Ilikethelaid-backexperience,butIalsolovethis.I’msuchasuckerforaromanticeveningandthis,JP,it’s…it’sreallyjustbeautiful.”
“You’reworthit,”Isaybeforepickingupmyspoonanddippingitintomysoup.
“Youspoilme.”
“Asyoushouldbe.”
Shesmirksanddipsherspoonintohersoup,aswell.Hereyeswidenandtheymeetmine.“OhmyGod,thisisamazing.”
“Thisisonlythebeginning.”
***
“TellmemoreaboutyourmomandJeff.Didhehelpraiseyou?”
Kelseyshakesherhead.“Notreally.Mydadleftuswhenwewerereallyyoung.Hewasatruckdriverandwantedtobeontheroad.Momraisedusonherown.Ourdadsentmoney,butthatwasaboutit.Therewasnoinvolvementinourlife.AndthenwhenIwasaroundfourteen,mymommetJeff.Toourknowledge,hewastheonlyboyfriendshehadwhileweweregrowingup,andwedidn’tevenknowtheyweredatinguntilaftersixmonths.Howshedidit,Idon’tknow,butshewasveryprotectiveofus.WhenwefinallymetJeff,itwasthisbigreliefbecausewesawhowhappyourmomwas.Weimmediatelyacceptedhimintoourfamily,andhe’sbeenarockforuseversince.”
“That’ssuchagoodstory,”Isay.“I’vehadafewconversationswithhim,andjustfromthosechats,Icantellhowmuchhetreatsyouashis.”
“He’sthedadweneverhad,”Kelseysaysasthewaiterremovesoursaladplates.“TherewasthisonenightwhereIcamehomefromadateinhighschoolandIwasheartbrokenbecausetheboyIwentoutwithsaidIwasabadkisser.Iknewthatwasn’trightbecauseI’dpracticedonmyhandseveraltimes.”ShewinksandIlaughoutloud.Ofcourseshedid.“Jeffwasveryquiet,andwhenmymomtookmetomyroomtoconsoleme,Jeffleftthehouse.”
“Ohshit,whatdidhedo?”
“Nevertoldme.AllIknowisthatthenextday,Skylar—theguyIwentoutwith—gavemeanapologycardandtoldmeitwashimwhowasthebadkisser,notme.”
“That’smykindofman.IhopehescaredtheabsoluteshitoutofSkylar.”
“I’mprettysurehedid.”
Ileanclosertoherandsay,“Andfortherecord,you’reeasilythebestkisserI’veeverhad.”
“Same.”Shewinks.
***
Kelseypressesherhandtoherstomachandsays,“Okay…handsdownthebestdimsumever.”
“Toldyou.”Idabmymouthwithmynapkin.“Nothingtopsit.”
“AndthoseSzechwannoodleschangedmylife.”
“Hopefullyinagoodway.”
“Thebestway.”Sheliftstheteasheorderedandtakesasip.“I’vebeenmeaningtoaskyousomething.”
“What’sthat?”
“HaveyoutalkedtoHuxleyaboutyourjob,whatyoufeel,andtheideasyouhavetofeelmorefulfilled?”
Ishakemyhead.“Notyet.”
“Areyounervous?”
“No,I’mmorefocusedonyouatthemoment.”
“Youdon’tneedtofocusonme,youhaveme.”
“Yeah?Isthatapromise?”
Sheleansoverandtakesmyhandinhers.“That’sapromise.So,nowyoucanfocusonyourjob.Doyouneedhelpputtingtogetherapresentation?I’mgoodatorganizingthoughts.”
“Ofcourseyouare.”Ikissherknuckles.“ButIthinkIshoulddothisonmyown.”
“Mmm,Ilikethat.Ilikewhenyou’reincharge.”
“IknowbecauseyouscreammynamewhenI’mincharge.”
Hercheeksreddenassheglancesaround.
“It’saprivateroom,Kelsey.”
“Yes,butourwaiterpopsinandout.”
“AndhesignedanNDA,sothere’snothingyouneedtoworryabout.Plus,giventhetiphe’llgettonight,hisloyaltyiswithme.”
“Still,Idon’tneedpeopleknowingI’mascreamer.”
Ichuckle.“Nothingwrongwiththat.Ilikethatyouscream.Iactuallywishitwasmyringtone.”
“OhmyGod,areyoutryingtoruinthenight?”
“Itcan’tallberosesandcandles,babe.Therehastobesomerealitytothenight,andthatis,eventhoughwe’retogether,I’llstilldriveyoucrazy.”
“Oddly,”shesaysonasigh,“Ithinkit’swhatIlikethemostaboutyou.”
“Liar,youlikehowImakeyoucome.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Nope,Ilikeyou…you,theperson.IlikeJonahthesweetheart.JPtheinstigator.Thesex,that’sjustabonus.”
Fuck,sheknowshowtomakemefeelwhole.
Loved.
Cherished.
Wanted.
Iknewthiswomanhadthepotentialtochangemylife,butIdidn’tknowhowquickly.
WhenHuxleyaskedmehowseriousIwasaboutKelsey,ifthiswasjustfunorifthiswasreal,Iwasn’tkiddingwhenItoldhimshewasitforme.Nooneelse.ItoldhimthatIfellforherweeksago,andbeingwithher,beingabletoholdher,kissher,justsolidifiesthatfeeling.
She’smyperson.
***
“Howareyoufeeling?”IaskKelseyasIsitacrossfromheronourprivatejet.
“Good.Happy.Lucky.”
Afterourdinner,wewenttotherooftopofthebuildingandIplayedoursongagain—whatIrefertoasoursong—andIdancedwithmygirlunderthestarswhilecandleslitthespacearoundus.Itwasromanticasfuck,andKelseycriedwhenIfirsttookheroutontherooftop.Then,wesatonacouch,sharedapieceofhoneycake,andtalkedsomemore.Abouteverythingandanything.Ourconversationsflowsoeasily,andit’slikewe’vebeentalkingforyears.Oncewewerereadytoleave,Iaskedherifshewantedtoflybackorstaythenight,andunfortunately,shehasadressfittingwithLottietomorrow,sowehadtoflybackhometonight.
Thecaptaininformsusthatwe’refreetogetoutofourseats,soIunbucklemyseatbeltandrisefrommychair.Iholdmyhandouttoherandsay,“Comewithme.”
Ileadherbacktothebedroomwherethere’sabedfreshlymade.Ishutandlockthedoorbehindmeandthenturntowardher.“Iwantyounaked.”
Hereyeswidenwithexcitement.“Whatdoyouplanondoing?”
“Somethingthattakesusthewholeflighttoaccomplish.”
“That’soveranhour.”
“Exactly.”Iundomyshirtbuttonsandtugtheshirtoutofmydresspants.“Seemsliketheperfectamountoftimetoexploreyourbodywithmytongue.”
Sheplacesherhandonmychestandslowlyrunshernailsovermypecs,acrossmynipples,anddownmyabs.“YouknowIlovehowyoumakemecome,right?”
“WhydoIfeellikethere’sa‘but’afterthatstatement?”
“Becausethereis.”
“Fuck,areyouonyourperiod?”
Sheshakesherhead.“No,butIampreventingyoufrommakingmecometonight.”
“Why?”Ifeelmybrowdrawtogether.
Herhandslipstomypantsandsheundoesthem,thendipsherhandpasttheelasticofmybriefsandrighttomycock.
AhissescapesmeasIleanagainstthedoorofthecompactbedroom.
“Iwanttomakeyoucomethistime,”shetellsme.
“Butwe’retakingitslow.”
“Youmakingmeorgasmeverytimewe’retogetherisn’ttakingitslow.”
Ipauseandgripherhand.“Fuck,you’reright.I’m…hell,I’msorry.”Iremoveherhand.“You’reright,Ishouldn’tendthedatelikethis.Wecan—”
Herhandcoversmymouthasshepressesherbreaststomychest.“Don’tfinishthatsentence.”
“Kelsey,you’reright,I’mnothonoringwhatyouasked.”
“WhatIaskedwasdumb.Wecanconnectonbothlevels.Wehave.Ireallywanttomakeyoufeelgood.”
“Babe,youmakemefeelgoodwithouthavingtostickyourhanddownmypants.”
“Thisisdifferent.Iwanttoconnectwithyouonthislevel,too.”
“Areyousure?”
Shenods.“I’mverysure.”Shereachestohersideandundoesherzipper,lettingherdressfalltothefloor,leavingherinalightpinktwo-piecelingerieset.
“Remindmetogetyouagiftcardforyourfavoritelingeriestore,becausethisisnevergoingtogetold.”Ismoothmyhandonherback,griptheclaspofherbra,andundoitwithonequickpinch.Itsnapsoffandfallstothegroundwithherdress.
“IthoughtIwastheonepleasuringyou?”sheasksasshepushesdownmypantsandbriefsatthesametimeuntilIstepoutofthem,removingmyshoesandsocksfirst.
“Seeingyounakedpleasuresme.”Ipushherthongdownsowe’rebothnaked
Ireachforthespotbetweenherlegs,butbeforeIcan,shedropstoherknees,movesherhairtotheside,andgripsmycockatthebase.
“Hell,”Iwhisper,leaningagainstthedoor.
Hertonguepeeksoutpasthersoftlipsandsherunscirclesovermyhead,swirlingandswirling,whileshecasuallypumpsmylength.
It’ssubtle.
Anditdrivesmecrazybecauseit’snotnearlyenough.Iknowwhatshe’sdoing—she’sattemptingtotorturemeasItortureher.Littledoessheknow,Icoulddothisallfuckingnight.
Thatis…untilherhandslidesundermyballstothespotjustbehindthem.Shepushesup,andmyeyeswideninpleasure.
“Fuck.”IclenchmyteethtogetherasIfeelmycockgrowinhermouth.
“Likethat?”sheasksbeforedippinghertonguetothebaseofmydickanddraggingitallthewayup,makingshortflicksagainsttheundersideofthehead.Herthumbsworkmyballs,draggingovertheseam,fondlingthem,oneatatime.It’sanonslaughtofpleasure,butonceagain,notwhatIneed,notwhat’sgoingtodrivemetofuckinghermouth.
“Youtryingtotortureme?”
Shesmirksandbringsherentiremouthovermycock,suckingmein.Fuck,yes,that’swhatI’mtalkingabout.I’mpreparedtosettleintohermouthwhenshepullsoffinoneslickmotionandbringshertonguedowntomyballs.
Thefuckingtemptress.
Ireachdownandgripherhairinmyfist,turningitoveroncesoIhaveatighthold.Shedoesn’tevenflinch.ShelovesitjustasmuchasIdo.Shereachesformyballs,bringsthemclosetohermouth,andsucksthemin,hertonguerunningalloverthem.
“Babe,thatfeelsgood.ButIwantinyourmouth.”
“Sometimesyoudon’talwaysgetwhatyouwant.”
MyeyesnarrowatthatsmartmouthofhersandIgiveherhairthelightestofyanks.Shesmilesbeforetakingmycockintohermouthagain,thistime,straighttothebackofherthroat.
“Fuck…me,”Isaywhensheswallows.“Yes,baby.Justlikethat.”Sheallowsmetothrustintoheronce,twice,andwhenIgoforathird,shepullsawayandreleasesme.“Jesus.”
Sweattricklesdownmybackasherhandsstartworkingmylength,upanddown,tugging,pulling,massaging.Herhandsworkoverthehead,oversensitiveveinstomyperineum,whereshelightlyplays,tapping,rubbing,drivingmemoreandmorenuts.
“Babe,I’mabouttofuckyouintwoseconds.”
Shechucklesandstands.Shekeepsonehandonmycock,lightlytuggingonitasshekissesmychest,myneck,myjaw,andthenmatchesherlipstomine.Iopen-mouthkissher,drivingmytongueagainsthers,aggressivelytakingwhatIwant.Onehandonherlowerback,keepinghertightagainstme,Ireachbetweenherlegsandfindhercompletelydrenched.
“Shit,babe,you’resoturnedon.”
“Ilovesuckingyourcock,”shesays,herconfessionnearlymakingmecomerightthenandthere.
“Ifyoulikesuckingitsomuch,thenliedownonthebed,yourheadhangingovertheedge.”
Confused,sheleansaway,soIhelpherliedown.ThenIguideherbodysoherheadtipsbackovertheedgeofthebedandherthroatiscompletelyexposed.
“Haveyoueversuckedacocklikethisbefore?”
Sheshakesherheadasshewetsherlips.
“I’llgoslow,then.Openforme,baby.”
Sheopenshermouth,andIpositionmycockatherlipsandslowlypressintohermouth,givingherthefeelofthepositionfirst.
“Areyouokay?”
ShenodssoIpressfarther.Sheunhingesandallowsmetogoevendeeper.
“That’sit,takemeinslow.”Ileanforwardandplacemyhandsonthemattressateithersideofherwaist.“Openyourlegsforme.”Shelistensbrilliantly,andIleanoverandtongueherclit,swipingatitafewtimes.
Shegroansagainstmycockandthevibrationnearlymakesmeshootoffinseconds.
“Christ,”Igroan,tryingtokeepmycomposure.“Holdmycock,baby,guidemeinandout.”
Shegripsthebaseofmyerectionandmovesmeinandoutofherthroat,sometimesgoingshallow,othertimestakingmeinsodeepthatInearlyblackout.Theentiretime,Itrytofocusonbringingherpleasure.Ilapatherclitwithfastflicks,somethingIknowdriveshercrazy.
Shepullsmeintoherthroat,swallows,playswithmyballs,pressesandstrokesmeinalltherightplaces,andmyorgasmclimbsfasterthanIwantitto.
“Sogood,baby.Fuck,youfeelsogood.Areyouclose?”
“Yes,”shewhisperswhilepullingoffmeforasecondtotakeadeepbreath.“CanIcome?”
Andfuck…me,thosethreewordshavemycocksurgingforrelease.
“Goodgirlforasking.Youcan,”Isay,thenIlowermymouthagainandpressitagainstherclit.Shetakesmeintoherthroat.Herbodytensesbeneathme,andafterthreemoreflicks,she’smoaningagainstmycock,tuggingonmygoddamnballs,andmakingmecomesofuckingfast,Ididn’tevenhavetimetoprepareher.Instead,IshootoffdownherthroatandpulseintohermouthuntilI’mcompletelyspent.
Islidetothesideandpullherupintomyhold,cradlingherclosetomychestandpressingakisstoherforehead.
Sherestsherheatedcheekagainstmyskinandsighs.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskher.Shenods.“Wasthattoointenseforyou?”
“No.”Shekissesmychest.“Itwasperfect.”Shethenlooksmeintheeyesandsays,“Youmakemefeelsodesirable,JP.Thewayyouspeaktomeissodemanding,butalsolikeyou’reprotectingme.YouhavesomuchfaithinmeeventhoughIdon’thavethatmuchexperience.Idon’tthinkI’veeverfeltsexierinmylife.”
“Becauseyouare.”Inudgeherchinupandcaptureherlips.
“Thismaybetoodeep—nopunintended,givenwhatwejustdid—butI’vealwaysbeeninsecureaboutmylooks.BeingLottie’syoungersister,it’shardnottocomparemyselftoher.Andwithonefailedattemptafteranotheratdating,IhaveahardtimenotfeelinginsecureaboutwhoIamandwhatIlooklike.Butthenyoucamealong,andyou’vesomehowwashedawaythoseinsecurities.You’vemademefeelbeautiful.”
“Becauseyouare.”IhavenocluewhyKelseydoesn’tseeherownbeauty.Sure,hersisterispretty,butKelseyisinanotherleagueofbeautiful.“Ithinkyou’rethemostexquisitebeauty,Kelse.Lottiehasnothingonyou.”
Hersmileweakensme,andwhenshecurlsagainstmeagain,sheasks,“Canweliedownandjusttalk?”
“Yeah,baby,wecan.Letmegrabyouawaterfirst.”
Ihelpherunderthecoversofthebed.ThenIquicklywashup,grabsomewaters,andofferherawetwashcloth.Oncewe’resettled,lyingdownandfacingeachother,herbeautifulsmilepeekspastherlips.
“Didn’tthinkI’deverbeagirlwhodeep-throatedaguyonanairplane,butlookatmenow…notsureifIshouldbeproudornot.”
Ilaugh.“Youshouldbe.There’smoretolifethanbambooorganizationsystems.”
“Apparently.”Shedancesherfingersovermychest.“So,areyouexcitedaboutHuxandLottiegettingmarriedsoon?It’srightaroundthecorner.”
“Iamexcited.Notsomuchaboutthewedding,butforHuxleytobemarriedandstartafamily.He’salwaysbeenasortoffatherfiguretomeandBreaker,especiallyonceourdadpassed,soIknowbeingafatherisinhisblood.It’llbegoodtoseehimtakeastepbackforasecond,breathe,andenjoylife.IknowLottiehelpshimdothat.”
“Shedoes.Ididn’tthinktheirlittleschemewouldevergothisfar,butI’mhappyforthem,andI’mreadytobeanaunt.”
“Whataboutamom?Isthatsomethingyouwant?”Iask,curiousaboutherthoughtsonstartingafamily.
“Itis.”Hereyesflashtomine.“Whataboutyou?”
“Yes.Iwanttobeafather.Iwanttohaveafamily.Ihavethathugefuckinghouse,andIneedtofillitupwithsomething.”
“Youcouldalwaysfillitupwithabunchofcats.Givenyourornerydispositionattimes,acatseemsliketheperfectpetforyou.”
“Idolikeagoodpussy.”
Sherollshereyes,causingmetochuckle.
“I’msureI’llgetapetsomeday,andit’llhatemebutloveeveryoneelseinmyfamily.”
“Soundsaboutright.Howmanykidsdoyouwant?”
“One…possiblytwo.Butnotforabit.Idon’twanttobebangingoutkidsassoonasIgetmarried.Iwanttoenjoymywifefirst,takeheraroundtheworld,growexperiencesbeforewe’redeepinthetrenchesofdiapersandtempertantrums.”
“I’mthesameway.IstillhavesomethingsIwanttoaccomplish,experience.IknowIwantafamily,butIdon’tneeditrightaway.”
Imomentarilystudyherandthensay,“Ithinkyou’dbeagreatmom.”
Hereyessoften.“Youthinkso?”
Inod.“Ireallydo.Youhavealoving,calmheart.You’realsoabeautifulleader,andwhenconflictarises,youdon’timmediatelygrowangrylikeIdo.Youtakeastepbackandgiveitsomethoughtbeforetacklingwhatneedstobesaid,whatneedstobedone.Ithinkthat’sagoodqualityinamom.”
“Well,Ithinkyou’dbeagooddad.You’recaring,protective,andeventhoughyou’reannoyingattimeswithyourconstantteasing,Iknowyou’dbringgreatjoytoyourfamily.”
“Thatmeansalottome.Thankyou,Kelsey.”AndthatrightthereisoneofthemainreasonsI’mfallingforthisgirl.Sheseesbeyondthefa?ade,seesmyheart,andlikeswhatshesees.AsmuchasIcravedtimewithmydad,Ialsowishedhegavemoreofhimselftoallofusboys.WeallneededarolemodelandsomeonewholovedusunconditionallyIwanttobethemanhewasn’t.
“You’rewelcome.”Shescootsincloser,bringsherhandtothebackofmyneck,andkissesmetenderly.“So,Iwasthinking,aftermydressfittingtomorrow,doyouwanttocomeovertomyplace?I’llmakeyoudinner?”
“CanIhelpyoumakedinner?”
“I’dlikethatalot.”
“Good.”Ikissherthistime.“Then,yes,I’llbethere.”
***
Breakerdribblestheballandthentossesituptothebasket,makingaswish.“I’msurprisedyouwereabletofindthewillpowertopullyourselfawayfromKelseyforonegoddamnmomentandplaybasketballwithme.”
“Wow,youdon’tsoundbitter,”IsayastheballreboundsandItossitbacktohim.
“Seriously,dude.I’mlosingHuxley.AmIgoingtoloseyou,too?”
“You’renotlosingus.”
“Ineverseeyouguysunlesswe’reattheoffice,andyoudon’tevenhavelunchwithmeanymore.”Jokesareonthetipofmytongue,butwhenIseehowseriousheis,Iholdback.
“Areyoureallyupset?”Iask.
Hedribbles,setsup,shoots.“Imean,sortof,andnotinabitchyway,becauseI’mhappyforyoutwo,butitwouldbeniceifyouguyswouldcarveoutsometimeforme.”
“Icandothat.”Ipullonthebackofmyneck.“Thingshavejustbeen…crazy.AndI’vebeenconsumed.Dude,Ifuckinglikeheralot.”
“Iknow.Icantell.AndIknowHuxleyisconsumedbytheweddingrightnow,whichisinaweek,butremember,we’reallwehave.Don’tleaveamanbehind.”
“I’llmakeabettereffort,”Ipromise.HetossesmetheballandItakeashot.Itbouncesofftherim,rightbackatme.“Youknow,youcouldpossiblyfindsomeonetosettledownwith.Theoptionisthere.”
“Oh,isit?WhatloveconnectionareyouseeingformethatIdon’tsee?”
“WhataboutOphelia?”Iask.
“Lia?”heasks,confused.
“Yeah.HuxleyandIhavebeentakingbetsastowhenyoutwowillhookup.”
“Dude,she’smyfriend,nottomentionmyneighbor,andshehasaboyfriend.That’sit.There’snoromance.”
“Youtwoalsocalleachotherallthetime—call,nottext.That’sweird.”
“Wetext,too,”hemutters.“Butthat’sbesidethepoint.We’refriends,that’sit,nothingmore.Weestablishedthosegroundrulesbackincollege.”
“So,you’retellingmeyouneverthoughtaboutgettingtogetherwithher?”
“Never.”
Ilaugh.“You’resuchafuckingliar.”IshakemyheadasIstealtheballfromhimandshoot,missingthebasketcompletely.Jesus,maybeIshouldmeetupwithBreakermore.Ican’tseemtoscoreanythingtoday.“So,you’renotbringinghertothewedding?”
“No.ShedidknitHuxleyandLottiepotholders,though,thatIhavetotakewithme.”
“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’tinvitehertothewedding.”
“I’mbringingsomegirlnamedCharise.”
“Somegirl?Doyouevenknowher?”
“Yeah.She’sLia’sfriend.”
“Wait.”Ipause.“You’renottakingLia,butyou’retakingherfriend?”
Heshrugs.“ItoldherIneededadate,andshehookedmeup.See,that’swhatfriendsarefor.IwasherwingmanwhenshemetBrian.Unlikeyou,Icanactuallybefriendswithawoman.”
“Seemslikeeverythingworkedoutforme.”Ismileathimashetakesashotfromthethree-pointlineandsinksit.
“Doyouloveher?”heasks,reboundinghisownballbeforetossingittome
Idribbleitafewtimesandnod.“Yeah,IthinkIdo.Hell,she’sallIthinkabout.I’mconstantlycountingdowntheminutesuntilIcanholdherandbewithher.Andshemakesmereallyfuckinghappy,dude.Ithinkonceallthisweddingstuffisdone,I’mgoingtotakeherbacktoSanFranciscoandtellher.Feelsfittingtodoitthere.”
“Whendidyoubecomeamanwhomakesgrandgestures?”
“EversinceIstartedlisteningtoKelsey’spodcast.Haveyouheardit?”Iask.Heliftsabrowatme,whichcausesmetolaugh.“Well,she’sallaboutthesestoriesofhowpeoplemet.Shelovesthegrandgesture,andshesoaksintheirromance.Youcanfeelhowmuchshe’sinherelementwhenyoulisten.FiguredifIwanttokeepheraround,Ihavetostepupmygame.”
“NeverthoughtI’dseethedaywhenyoumaturedintoathoughtfulman,buthereyouare.I’mimpressed.”
“Thankyou.”Iawkwardlybowbeforeshootingtheball.Ifadebackwhiletheballhits…nothing.
Breakerletsoutalong,drawnout,“AIIIIIIRRRRRBALLLLLLLLL,”liketheimmaturelittlebrotherthatheis.
Yeah,Ineedtogetoutheremoreoften.
***
“Thanksformeetingwithme,”IsaytomybrothersasIsitacrossfromthemattheconferencetable.
Fuck,mypalmsaresweaty.
I’veputalotoftimeintothispresentation,knowingthatHuxleywouldwantspecificpoints.AlthoughI’dplannedtospeaktoBreakerfirstandtossaroundthenumbers,Ididn’twantHuxleytofeelwe’dgonebehindhisback.Imightwanttodrivethis,butweneedtobeunifiedonthisdirectionandtheonlywaytoachievethatisifwealluseourindividualstrengthsoncetheideaisonthetable.Ispentlastnightrunningthroughmyideaoverandover,explainingitoutloudtoKelseyasshesatonherbedwithme.ShelistenedtomespeakuntilIwasblueintheface.I’dfeltready.Rightnow,however,withmybrotherswatchingme,IfeellikeI’velostallsenseofwhyI’mdoingthis.
KelseyandIdrovetoCaneEnterprisesthismorning.Shewalkedmetomyoffice,sheheldmyhandasIwentoverthepresentationonemoretime,andshegavemethemostencouragingkissandtoldmetocallherafter.
Ican’tfuckingfold,knowingshe’swaitingtohearfromme.
Takingadeepbreath,Ilookmybrothersintheeyeandsay,“I’munhappy.”
TheconfusedlooksthatcrosstheirfaceswouldalmostseemcomicalifIwasn’tsofuckingonedgerightnow.
Huxleyshiftsinhischair.“Whatdoyoumean,you’reunhappy?Inlife?IthoughteverythingwasgoodwithKelsey.”
“EverythingisgreatwithKelsey,”Isay.“Thishasnothingtodowithmypersonallifeandeverythingtodowithmyworklife.”
“You’reunhappywithwork?”Breakerasks,bothofthemtrulyconcerned.They’reobviouslysurprisedtoo.
“Iam.”Onanotherdeepbreath,Isay,“Whenwestartedthiscompany,IjoinedinnotbecauseitwassomethingItrulywantedtodo—investinrealestate—butbecauseIwantedtobeclosetoyoutwo.LosingDad,itwas—”Mythroatgrowstight.“Well,youknowhowdevastatedIwas.AndIwasfeelinglost,torturedattimeswithmemories,andtheonlywayIknewhowtopreservethosememorieswastostayasclosetoyoutwoasIcould.Thejobsweresimple.Breaker,you’ddothenumbersbecausethatwaswhatyou’regoodat.Huxley,you’dbetheideaman,becauseyou’reanatural-bornleader,andthatleftmewiththeleftovers,handlingallmediaandoddjobs.Atfirst,Ididn’tmindit,butastimewenton,Igrewmoreandmorebored.Morebitter.AngrythatIdidn’tfeellikeIhadapurpose.”
“Howlonghaveyoufeltthisway?”Huxleyasks.
“Probablyaboutayearnow.Butinthelastfewmonths,thosefeelingshavegrowntothepointofbitterness.Andthat’snotwhatIwant.Idon’twanttofeelbittertowardtheonethingthatkeepsmeclosetoDad’smemory.Closetoyouboth.So,Isatdownandthoughtaboutwhatwouldtrulymakemehappy,whatwouldmakemefeelfulfilled.”Iopenmyfolderandslidethetwoprintoutsacrossthetable,oneforeachofthem.“IwanttostartafoundationwithinCaneEnterprisesthatfocusesonofferingaffordablehousinginourbuildingstothosewhoneedit.Singleparents,low-incomefamilies,thosestrugglingtogettheirfeetontheground.Iwanttobuildacommunitywithinthehousing,offerpracticalclasseslikebasicDIYhomemaintenanceandmanagingyourfinances,havechildcare,healthmanagement.We’rebringinginsomuchfuckingmoneyeverygoddamndaythatIthinkit’stimewegiveback,domorethanjustwritingachecktoafoundation.”
HuxleyandBreakerbothlookovertheprintout,theireyesscanningthedetails.I’mliterallyhidingmyshakinghandsasIwaitfortheirresponse.
Theyhavetoseethevalueinit.
“Andyou’dheadthisprogram?”Huxleyasks.“StartingwiththeAngelica?”
Inod.“Yes.I’velaidouttheplansforhowwecanmaketheAngelicaourfirstaffordablehousingapartmentbuilding.IevenspokewiththemayorbeforeIleftSanFrancisco,pitchedhimtheidea,andhesaidnotonlywouldhebewillingtoworkwithusonsecuringmorebuildings,buthe’dputmoneytowardourinitiativewhenitcomestoeducation,opportunity,childcare,aswellastransportation.”
“Haveyourunthenumbersonthis?”Breakerasks.
“Yes.”Ipullanotherpaperfrommyfolder,knowinghewasgoingtoask.“Withtheproductsthemayorcanprovideatcost,andthetaxbreaks,wecouldbreakevenontheproject,whilehelpingothers.Buthonestly,evenifwedidn’t,itwouldn’tmatter.Profitfromevenoneofourotherpropertiescansustainthat.”
“Whataboutyourcurrentresponsibilities?”Huxleyasks.
“SustainablyOrganizedrunsonitsown,andIthinkyouknowthatatthispoint,LottieandKelseydon’tneeduswatchingoverthem.I’dbeabletokeepuponsomeofmysmallermanagementprojects,andthenallthePR—well,Icanscheduleimportantmeetings,butthesmallerfires,thosecanbeputoutbysomeonewehire.It’smenialworkandawasteofmytime.”Itapthedesk.“This,though,thisisthebigpicture.Wecanstartawaveofaffordablelivingacrossthecountryinmajorcities,expandfromCaliforniatoNewYork,touchdowninDenverandAtlanta,aswell.”
Huxleyleansbackinhischairandstaresmedown.“Honestly,Ithinkitwouldbeasubstantialhitonourprofit,becauseIcan’tseehowwecouldmakeaffordablehousingprofitable.”Mystomachfuckingfalls.“But…it’safuckingbrilliantideaandI’mmadIdidn’tthinkofitmyself.”Heplaceshishandontheconferencetable.“OneofthebestthingsIlearnedfromDadaboutbusinessissometimesyouhavetotakeahitinordertoinvestinyourselflater.Thisisahit,butitwillkeepinvestinginourcompanyoverandoveragain,maybenotfinancially,butmorally.Wehavetorunthenumberstoensurewestayviable,ensurewebalancethenot-for-profitswiththerevenue-generatingproperties,whichIcanseeispossible.I’mguessingwe’dneedanot-for-profitlicensetoo.SpendtimewithBreakerandrunnumbers.Youhavemyapproval.Let’smeetonthisagaininthreeweeks.”
MychestswellsasIturntowardBreaker,who’sstilllookingoverthenumbers.“IagreewithHuxleyandwedoneedtogooverthesenumbers.”Heliftshiseyesandsmirksatme.“ButIfuckinglovetheidea.”Growingserious,heasks,“Thiswillmakeyouhappy,though?”
Inod.“Itwill.”
Hetiltshisheadtothesideandasks,“DoesthishaveanythingtodowithKazoothepigeon?”
IletoutaloudlaughasHuxleyasks,“WhothehellisKazoo?”
“SomepigeonJPhasbeensavingduringhissparetime.”
“IthinkthiswasinspiredbyKazoo,”Isay.
“Well,wouldyoulookatthat,pigeonsreallydodeservetobesaved.”
Afterafewhandshakes,somebrohugs,andsomereassuranceonmyendthatI’mtrulyexcitedaboutthis,Ipartwayswithmybrothersandpullmyphonefrommypocket.
JP:Whereareyou?
Kelseytextsbackrightaway.
Kelsey:Youroffice.
Inearlysprinttomyofficeandshutthedoorbehindme.She’sonthecouch,acupofcoffeeinhand.Whenoureyesmeet,sheslowlysetsthecoffeeonthetableinfrontofherandstands.“Whatdidtheysay?”
Ismile.“Theyfuckinglovedit.”
Shejumpsingleeandthenrunstomyarms,offeringmetheworld’sbestfuckinghug.Igriphertightly,onehandonherback,theotheratthenapeofherneckassheclingstome,herlegswrappingaroundmywaist.
“OhmyGod,I’msoexcitedforyou.”
“Thankyou,”Isay,buryingmyheadinherhair.
Ipressakisstothesideofherfaceandholdhersotightly.It’sasiftheworldaroundmeisstartingtomakesense.Forsolong,I’vefeltlost,likeIwasn’tsupposedtobewhereIwas,butoverthelastfewmonths,thecloudshavepartedandIcanfinallyfuckingseewhatI’msupposedtobedoing.
Givingback.
Creatingsomethingbiggerthananincomeformeandmybrothers.
FallingforthiswomanandshowingherthekindofmanIcanbeforher.
It’sallclickingintoplace,andIdon’tthinkI’veeverbeenhappier.
Ever.ChapterTwenty-One
KELSEY
MeanttoBePodcast
JasonandDottie
Kelsey:Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.JasonandDottie,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.
Jason:It’sanabsolutehonor.
Kelsey:Andthispotatosaladyouhadsentover,didyoumakethis,Jason?
Jason:Idid.We’reintheearlystagesofproduction,buthopefullysoonwe’llhavemypotatosaladingrocerystoresaroundthecountry,notthatI’mtryingtopromoteithereoranything,butyouknow…BestButtinBaseballSalad,comingtoastorenearyou.
Dottie:It’sallhetalksabout.Like…allhetalksabout.
Jason:Canbeusedforbackyardbarbecues,familydinners,intimateevenings…IevenlickeditoffDottieafewtimes.
Dottie:Canyounotsaythosekindsofthings?
Jason:She’salwaysbeencamerashy.
Kelsey:Youknow,I’malwayslookingforsponsorship.Apotatosaladforloverscouldbethefirstone.
Jason:Don’tyouplaywithmyheart.
Kelsey:Well,Ijustlovetheletteryousentin,Jason,aboutyouandDottie,andI’dloveforyoutotellthelistenershowyoutwobecamemeanttobe.
Dottie:Pleasenote,anythinghesaysisgoingtobeexaggerated,sotakeitwithagrainof—
Jason:Itwasadark,morbidlychillyeveninginChicago,whereeveryonewassearchingforhopeandlove.
Dottie:Oh,dearGod,herewego.
***
“Areyounervous?”IaskLottieaswestandoutsideonthepatioofHuxley’sandherhouse.
Forthereception,theyhadthepoolcoveredinaclearsurface,decorateditwithseventables,andaddedsomesoft,pinkuplightingonthestonewallsofthefence.Stringsofflowersmakeforafauxceiling,whiletwocellistsaretuckedofftotheside,addingsophisticationtotheintimatenight.
It’sfamilyandfriends,that’sit.
TheoriginalplanwasformetostayheretonightwithLottieandgetreadyinthemorning,butHuxleywantednothingtodowithbeingapartfromLottie,soI’mspendingthenightatJP’splace.I’llmaketheshortwalkhereinthemorning,wherewe’llallgetready,Ellie,theotherbridesmaid,included.
Thankfully,shehasnoillfeelingstowardme,givenIditchedherbrother.Shesaidheunderstoodcompletelyandhadwonderedifsomeoneelsehadbeenonmymindwhenwe’dgoneout.IfeelbadthatIdidn’tgivehimallmyattention,butfromwhatElliehassaid,he’sdatingsomeonerightnowwholivesinHawaii,andhe’senjoyingthe“commute.”
Lottieexhalesnexttomeandthenknocksbackherchampagne,emptyingtheflute.“AmInervous?Notreally.”Shespeaksquietly,keepingtheconversationjustbetweenus.“I’mnotnervousaboutmychoice.Withoutadoubt,Huxleyisthemanforme.Ican’twaittobemarriedtohim.I’mjustnervousaboutallthefanfare,youknow?Ireallywishwejustgotmarriedbackheretonight,andthenwecouldgoonourhoneymoon,butIunderstandHuxleywantedmoreofatraditionalwedding.”
“Theceremonywillbeshort,andthenyougettoparty.Thatwillbesomuchfun.”
“True.Plus,tomorrowwe’regoingtohavefungettingready,right?DidyougetthoseMadLibsIsentyoualinkto?Thebridalones?”
“Idid.Ihavetheminmybagofthingstodotomorrow.Can’twaittoinsertboobandpenisintoeverycategory.”
“Don’tforgetfuck—thatcanbeaverb,noun,adjective…it’suniversal.”
“Yes,therewillbetonsoffucks,boobs,andpenises.”
“Good.”Shetapsmyhandandthenlooksmeintheeyes.“I’mgettingmarriedtomorrow.Howcrazyisthat?ItfeelslikejusttheotherdayIwasattemptingtofindwaystodriveHuxleynutstogetmeoutofourcontract.”
“Iknow.Istillrememberyoutellingmeyou’dmetsomeoneandweregoingtodiscusstermsoverchipsandguacatChipotle.”
“Ithinkthat’swhatwonmeover—hepaidextraforguac.”
IlaughjustasHuxleystandsinfrontofeveryoneandtapshisglass.Thesmallgroupquiets,andthecellistsstopplaying.Withonehandinhispocket,theotherholdingatumblerofbeer,Huxleyaddressesthebackyard.
“Thankyousomuchforcomingtonightandforbeingapartofourspecialdaytomorrow.”HiseyeslandonLottie.“Afewmonthsago,ImadeabusinessmistakethatIthoughtwasgoingtocostmeourcompany’sreputation.IdideverythingIcouldtorecover,includingconvincingthisrandomgirlImetonthesidewalktopretendtobemyfakefiancée.IthoughtIwassoclever,gettingthiswomantobebymysideandactlikethedotingfiancéeIneeded.LittledidIfuckingknowthatIwasinwayovermyhead.Shewasheadstrong,breathtakinglybeautiful,andthebiggestchallengeofmylife,andIquicklyfellforthegirlwhowassupposedtobetemporary.Buttomorrow…tomorrowshebecomesmyforever.Leiselotte,you’retheloveofmylife,andyoumakemehappierthanIcouldeverimagine.”Igripmysister’shandtightly.“You’redoingmethegreatesthonorofmylifetomorrow,bybecomingmywife.Ipromiseyou,nomatterwhatcomesourway,I’llalwaysbethemanyoudeserve.Iloveyou.”
Lottieswipesatthetearsonhercheeks.Shestandsfromherchair,gripsHuxleybythecheeks,andkisseshimdeeply.
AsIwatchthem,completelyandutterlyinlove,awarmhandgripsmyshoulderbeforesmoothingdownmyback.“Hey,”JPsays,takingaseatnexttome.“IfeellikeIhaven’tseenyouallnight.”
Iturntowardhim,ourlegstwiningtogetherasIscootincloser.“Iknow,butIlikethatIsawyouandJeffhavingagoodtime,oratleastwhatseemedlikeagoodtime.”
JPtakesmyhandinhisandrestsitonhislap,hisotherhandrestingovermythigh.“WeweretalkingaboutJasonOrsonandhisnewpotatosalad.ItoldhimJasonsentsomeovertoyou,andJeffsaidheactuallyreadanarticleinthePlayer’sTribune,writtenbyJason’sbestfriendandbrother-in-lawCoryPotter—theybothplayfortheChicagoRebels—aboutJasonandhisloveforhispotatosalad.Thedudehasbeenclaimingit’sthebestsincecollege.I’mstokedtolistentoyourepisode,actually.”
“HowdidIforgetJeffisabigbaseballfan?IfeellikeI’mfailing.Ishould’vegottenJasontosendoverasignedballorsomething.”
“But,babe,thatwouldbeagainstallthathebelievesin.He’saLosAngelesRookthroughandthrough.”
“True.”
“ItoldhimthatI’dtakehimtoagamesoon.He’salwaysdreamedofsittingbehindthebackstop,soIfiguredI’dtreathim.”
“OhmyGod,he’llloseit.You’dseriouslydothat?”
“Yeah.Ienjoyhiscompany,butnotonlythat,he’simportanttoyou,whichmakeshimimportanttome.”
Thewordsareonthetipofmytongue—Icanfeelthem.Ilovethisman.Ican’timaginewhatlifewouldbewithouthimnow.Withouthisteasing,hiscaringheart,thewayhemakesmefeelwhole,needed…sexy.He’sthetotalpackage.Butsayingthosewords,here,onthenightbeforemysister’swedding…Idon’tthinkIwanttodothat.IwanttokeeptheattentiononLottie,andIknowifItellJPIlovehim,Iwon’tbeabletokeepittomyself.
Plus,there’salwaysthatworryinthebackofmymindthatisn’tsureifhe’satthesameplaceasIam.Itmighttakehimlongertogetthere,soIneedtowait.
“Hey,dude,canItalktoyouforasecond?”BreakerasksJP.
“Isitimportant?”JPasks,notlettinggoofmyhand.
BreakersmoothsahandoverhisjawandgivesJPacurtnod,saying,“Stufffortheweddingtomorrow.”
Ohjeez,forasecondIthoughtitwasmoreimportantthanthat,likesomethingwasactuallywrong.
“Sure,”JPsaysbeforedroppingaquickkissonmylips.“Beback.”
Breakerpullshimtotheside,andIstandtograbmyselfsomemorechampagne.WhenIsway,IrealizethatmaybeI’vehadafewtoomanyglasses,but…thenagain,it’sarehearsaldinnerandthechampagneisflowing.It’stimetocelebrate!
***
JP
Asharplineetchedonhisbrow,Breakerpullsmeintothehouse,shutstheslidingglassdoor,thenmovesusintoHuxley’soffice.
“Dowereallyneedthismuchprivacy?”Iaskwhenheshutsthedoorandturnstome,pinchingthetensioninhisbrowwithhisfingers.Worrystartstohitme.“What’sgoingon?”
Hiseyesflashtomineasheasks,“Rememberthenightyouweretalkingaboutpolarbearsdyinganddonatingtohelpthepigeons?”
“Irememberthenight,notthedetails.”
“Doyouremembersendinganemail?”
“Anemail?”Ishakemyhead.“No,why?”
“Fuck,”hemutters.“Canyouopenyouremail?”
Ihandhimmyphone,andheclicksonthemailapp.
“Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Hetapsaway,andwhenhedoesn’tfindwhathe’slookingfor,hepresseshisfisttohismouth.“Thatnight,wespokeonthephone.Youwereextremelydrunk,andItoldyoutogetsomefoodandnotdoanythingstupid.”
“Okay…”Idragout.
“Well,Ithinkyoudidsomethingstupid,butIcan’tfindit.”
“WhatthefuckdidIdo?”
“YouwereupsetaboutKelseyandtheweddingandneedingadate,soyoutoldmeyouweregoingtosendagenericemailtogirlsyouknew,askingiftheywantedtobeyourdate.”
Mystomachsinks.“Shit,Ivaguelyrecallthat.”Iscourthroughmyemails.“ButIdon’tseeanythinginmysentbox.”
“Iknow.”Breakerpusheshishandthroughhishair.“I’mfuckingconfused.”
“Why?Whyareyouevenbringingthisup?”
“IwastippedoffbyDaveToney.Hesaidthere’sanarticlecomingouttomorrowaboutyousendinganemailtoabunchofwomen,askingiftheywanttobeyourdate.But…butyoudidn’tsendanything.”
“What?”Isay,thecool,breezyattitudeIhadslowlyshrinkingaway.“Howthefuckwouldsomeonehaveknownthat?Isitafakeemail?”
“That’swhatI’mthinking.ButIcan’tbesure.DavesentmethenameofthepersonwhotippedhimoffandIsentthematext,askingformoreinformation.”Hiseyesmeetmine.“I’mnotworriedaboutHuxleyandLottie.I’mworriedaboutKelsey.”
“Well,it’sfuckingfake.Ididn’tsendanythingout.Theproofisinmyemail.”
Justthen,Breaker’sphonebeepswithamessage.Hepullshisphonefromhispocketandopensthetextmessage.Heturnsthescreentowardmeandasks,“Thenwhatthefuckisthis?”
Ibringthephoneclosertomeandreadtheemail.
Heyladieeees,
Sendingabigoldcockofanemailbecause,youknow…Ihaveabigcock,sothisemailhastomatch.
Here’sthething.HuxisgettingmarriedtoLuluLemonandtheytoldmeIneedaplus-one.Lookingforawillingcandidatetoescortmedowntheaisle.
Allexpensespaid.Promisesofpleasure.
Ifinterested,hitmeup.
Iwearcondomsstill.
K.Bye.
JP
“Fuck,”Isay.“Idon’tremembersendingthis.It’snotinmyemail.Idon’tfuckingunderstand.”
Breakerpointstothetopofthescreen.“It’snotyourworkemail…it’syourpersonal.”
Atthatmoment,IfeelallthecolordrainfrommyfaceasIrealizehe’sright.Inevercheckmypersonalemail,ever.IshoveBreaker’sphoneathimandopenmypersonalemail.IsiftthroughpromotionalnewslettersuntilIseeseveralresponsestomyemail.
McKayla.
Kenzie.
Hattie.
Witheveryreply,itfeelslikeanailinmycoffinasItrytofigureouthowtofuckingdealwiththis.
Isqueezemyhandovermyforeheadandsay,“Fuck,thisisn’tgood.Doyouknowanythingaboutthearticle?”
“AllIknowisthisemailisinit,itmentionsthewedding,and,uh…”Hewinces.
“What?”Iask,aballoftwisted,torturedanxietyforminginmystomach.
“Uh,ittalksaboutKelseyandherbusiness,andalludestothegirlsusinganymeansnecessarytobesuccessful,includinghookingupwiththeCanebrothers.”
“Fuck,”IyellasIpacetheoffice.“FUCK!”Handsonmyhips,Isay,“Weneedtokillit,man.Weneedtokillthatfuckingarticle.”
“I’vealreadycontactedKarla,andshe’sworkingonit,butIdon’tknow,JP.Idon’tknowifwecanfixthis.”
“Wehavetofuckingfixthis.DoyourealizehowdamagingthatassumptionwouldbeforKelsey?She’llbefuckinghumiliated.Nottomention,thatemailisdamning.”MylungsseemtostopworkingasIattempttocatchmybreath.“I’ll…I’llfuckingloseher.I’llloseeverything.”IlookatBreaker,pleading.“Please,dude,pleasehelpme.Throwwhateverkindofcashweneedtothrowatit.Itjustneedstobedead.”
“I’llworkonit.LetmecallKarlaagainandseewhatIcando.”
Hestartstowalkbyme,butIgriphisarmandsay,“Iloveher,Breaker.Ifuckinglovehersomuch,andthiswilldestroyus.Icanfeelit.Pleasehelpme.”
“Iwill.Justhanghereforasecond.LetmeseewhatIcando.”
***
KELSEY
“Mysisterisgettingmarried,”IshoutasIholdmyglassofchampagneabovemyhead.“Ahhh!”
We’restandingontheclearsurfaceoverthepool,Lottie’sarmaroundmywaistasweswaytothemusic.BreakerreturnedwithoutJP,onlytowhiskHuxleyaway,claimingtheyhad“manthings”totalkabout.MomandJeffarecuddlingbytheoutdoorfireplace,andDaveandElliearedancingnexttoapalmtree,takinggreatadvantageofthealonetimeawayfromtheirnewborn.
It’sabeautifulnight.
Thestarsarebright.
Thechampagneispulsingthroughmyveins.
AndallIcanthinkaboutiswhenIgetbacktoJP’splace,I’mgoingtohumphisbrainsout.
“I’mgoingtohumphisbrains!”Iliftmychampagneglass.
“Humpwhosebrains?”Lottieasksme.
“JP’s.Tonight.I’mgoingtositonhisheadandhumphim.”
“Oh,IlovesittingonHuxley’sface.Nothingismoresatisfyingthanfeelinghishandsridemyinnerthighswhilehistonguedoesallthework.”
“Ihaven’tsatonJP’sfaceyet,butIdeep-throatedhiminaplane.”IturntowardmysisterandgripbothofhershouldersthebestIcanwhilestillholdingachampagneflute.“Haveyoudeep-throatedwithyourheadhangingoffthebed?Highlyrecommend.Ineverenjoyedballsinmyfaceasmuchasthatnight.”
“Oh,whenanut-sackrestsonmyeyeball,it’sastrangelycomfortingthing.Likeacoldcucumber,butinstead,apouchfullofsemen.”Shetapshereyes.“Hmm,maybeI’llaskforacrotchfacialtonight.HuxleyhateswhenIcallitthat,sonow,Ialwayscallitthat.”
“IwonderwhatJPwouldsayifIaskedhimforone.”
“He’dprobablysayyes.Everymanlikestoshowdominancebysettinghisjunkonawoman’sface.Thinkofitasaformofmarkingtheirterritory.”
“It’sappealing,butIalsowanttousethisvibratorhehasinhisnightstand.It’sjustaregularone,butI’mprettysurehe’suseditinhisbutt…”IlaughsohardthatIstartcoughing.
“Huxleylikesthingsinhisbutt.SometimesItwirlmyfingerinthere.”Whispering,shesays,“Hedoesn’tlikethetwirl.”
“Ihaven’tstuckmyfingerinJP’sbuttyet.Idon’tthinkI’mconfidenttodothat.”
“Noneedforconfidence,justpokeitonupthere.Ifhemoans,congratulateyourself.Ifheaskswhatthefuckyou’redoing,justsay,‘oh…I’msorry,wasthatnotwheremyfingerwassupposedtogo?’”
“Idon’tknow.IthinkIshouldjustticklehisballswiththevibratortonight.”
“That’salsoawinningidea.Ooo,putitattheunderneathpartofhishead.IdidthattoHuxleyand,I’mnotkidding,hecameinfiveseconds.Itwassohot.”
“Ilikethatidea.Ishouldtexthim.”
“Oh,yes.Greatidea.Sexthim.”
Igrabmyphonefromthetableinfrontofusandopenourtextthread.
Kelsey:Hey,bigman.
“Youcallhimthat?”Lottieasks.
“Uh,notreally,butitwasthefirstthingthatcametomymind.ShouldIdeleteit?”
Shenods.“Callhimlover.”
Kelsey:Hey,bigman.Hey,lover.I’mthinkingaboutyourbigcockrightnow.
“Ohyeah,tellhimhowbig,”Lottiesays.
Kelsey:Yourenormous,thick,girthy,massive,heavy,veinycock.
“God,Iloveaveinycock.YoushouldseeHuxley’swhenit’shardandstraining.SometimesIjustliketowatchitbobupanddownwhenitwantsrelease.”
Kelsey:Whenwegetbacktoyourplace,Iwanttositonyourface,butIalsowantyourballsinmyeyes,andIwanttovibrateyourbutt.
“Yes,andtellhimhowyoulikehistongue.”
Kelsey:AndIlikeyourtongueandhowit…uh,howit…licksme.
“Sosexy,”Lottiesaysovermyshoulder.
“Youthinkso?”
“Uh-huh.Hitsend.”
Satisfied,Ipressthebluearrowandclutchmyphonetomychest.“I’mgoingtosleepwithman-ballsonmyfacetonight.”
Lottieclutchesmyshoulders.“Whataluckygirl.”
***
JP
“Whattheactualfuck,”Huxleyroarsashereadsthroughthearticlethat’ssupposedtobepostedtomorrow.Somehow,Karla,themagicianinourlives,wasabletosecureacopyofit,andwe’vespentthelasttenminutesreadingitoverandoveragain.
TosaythatIfeelsicktomystomachisanunderstatement.WhenIsaythisisbad,Ireallyfuckingmeanit.It’snotaflatteringarticleinanyway.Notflatteringformeandmydrunkass—itpaintsmeasaphilanderingnitwitwhosendsborderlinesexualharassmentemailswhendrunk.AnditpaintsKelseyasagolddiggerlookingforhandouts.
It’sworsethanIexpected.
I’venowresortedtorollingupmysleeves,pacingthelengthofHuxley’soffice,andprayingtothegoddamnpigeonstopleasefixthis.I’vebeenagoodpersoninmylifetime.I’vedonatedalotofmoney,volunteeredmytime,donesomereal,life-changingthingstoaffordmesomegoodkarma.So,I’mcallingontheuniversetotosssomesolid,good-naturedkarmamyway.
Huxleyturnsonme.“Whatthehellwereyouthinking?”
“Iwasn’t,”Ishoutathim.“Iwasdrunkanddesperate.Heartbroken.Youdon’tknowwhatthosetwoweekswerelikeinSanFrancisco.Seeinghergooutwithsomeoneelsewhenshewouldn’tevenlookmyway—fuck,man,itatemealive.”
“So,yougoandsendacrudeemailtoabunchofwomenaskingiftheywanttobeyourdate?”
“Well,youfuckingtoldDaveToneyyouhadapregnantfiancée.Wedon’talwaysmakesmartdecisions,”Ishoutback.
“Hey,”Breakersays,steppinginbetweenus.“Karlaisworkingwiththereporterwhowrotethearticle.Itseemslikethewebsitecanbepaidoff,sowemightnotevenhavetoworryaboutit.”
“Fuck,”Huxleyshoutswhilepullingonhishair.“ThisisnotwhatIfuckingneedthenightbeforemywedding.”
“DoyouthinkIneedthis?”Iask,pointingtomychest.“Mygoddamnhappinessrestsonwhathappens.Nomatterwhat,Lottieisgoingtomarryyoutomorrow,butKelsey,shemightnotevenlookmywayifthisgetsout.”
“Wouldserveyouright,”Huxleysays.
“Hey,”Breakeryells,pullingourattention.Withangryeyes,hestaresdownHuxleyandsays,“YoufuckedupbigtimewhenitcametothatbullshitwithLottie.Thecompany’sreputationwasatriskofbeingdemolished,andwestoodbyyoursideandhelpedyou.Wemadesuretogoalongwitheverythingyouneededtomakesurenoonewasharmed.So,don’tturnyourbackonyourbrother.He’sright,youhavenocluewhathe’sbeengoingthrough,nottomention,thefactthatheactuallyallowedsomeoneintohislifeagainafterDad’spassing.Youshouldbeaskinghimhowhe’sfeeling,notmakinghimfeelworse.”
Huxleyglancesatme,andhisshouldersdeflateashesays,“Fuck,you’reright.Shit,I’msorry.”Herubshisbrow.“Areyouokay?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“I’mnot.I’mfuckingscared.Ican’tloseher,man.Ican’t.”
“Howaboutthis.It’sgettinglate,sowhydon’tyoujustexplaintoherwhat’sgoingon,beaheadofthecurve,andtellherthatyou’rekillingthearticle?Thatway,you’rehonestwithher,andstoppingthepossibleargumentthatcouldbreakthingsup,”Breakersuggests.
Huxleynods.“That’sprobablysmart.Beingcaughtoffguardisworsethanhavingthatconversationwithher.”
“You’reprobablyright.Ishouldtakehertomyplace,sitherdown,andhaveanhonestconversationwithher.”Myphonebeepswithatextmessage.Iglanceatthescreenandseethatit’sfromKelsey.“Shejusttexted.Maybeshe’sreadytoleave.”
Iopenthetextandreadit.
Kelsey:Hey,lover.I’mthinkingaboutyourbigcockrightnow.Yourenormous,thick,girthy,massive,heavy,veinycock.Whenwegetbacktoyourplace,Iwanttositonyourface,butIalsowantyourballsinmyeyes,andIwanttovibrateyourbutt.AndIlikeyourtongueandhowit…uh,howit…licksme.
What…the…fuck?
“Whatisit?”Breakerasks.
“Whatwerethegirlsdoingbeforeyouleftthem?”IaskHuxley.
“Gettingmorechampagne,”hesays,confused.“Why?”
“Because,fromthetextKelseyjustsentme,Icanalmostguaranteeshe’scompletelywasted.”
“Fuck,”Huxleysays.
Yeah…fuckisright.IcanalmostguaranteewhateverconversationIattempttohavewithhertonightisgoingtobeabsolutelypointless.
***
KELSEY
“You’resohandsome,”IsayasIwaitforJPtoopenhisfrontdoor.“Like,reallyhandsome.Themosthandsome.”
Helooksoverhisshoulderatmeandraisesabrow.“Howmuchdidyouhavetodrink?”
“Lots.”Iflingmyarmsupintheair.“AndIhaveafunfactforyou,JP.”
Heopenshisdoor,takesmyhand,andbringsmeintohishouse.
“What’syourfunfact?”heasks,relockinghisfrontdoor.
“WhenIdrink,somethinghappenstomybody.”Leaningin,Iwhisper,“Igetreallyhorny.”
Hiseyeswidenandhestartscoughing.Iofferhimasturdypatonthebackandthen…Iunzipmydressandletitfalltothefloor.Beforehecansayanything,Igripthecupsofmystraplessbraandflipthemdown,exposingmybreaststohim.
“Kelsey—”
Idon’tgivehimtimetofinishbeforeIgripthebackofhisheadandburyhisnoserightbetweenmybreasts.Iaddalittleshimmy,alittleshake,andthenpullhimaway.
Hishairismussed.
Hisbodyisrigid.
Andthere’snosmileonhisface.
Umm…didhenotlikethat?
“Kelsey—”
“Wait…didyounotenjoythatmotorboat?LottiesaidHuxleylikesit.Ifigureditwouldruninthefamily.Doesthatmeanyoulikethebutttwirlsincehedoesn’tlikethebutttwirl?”
Hegripshishair.“What’sthebutttwirl?”
Withmyindexfinger,Imakeatwirlingmotionandshootituptothesky.“Rightuptheoldtoot-toot.”
Hisfacefalls.“Whatthefuckdidyoutwotalkabout?”
Breastsstillhangingout,Imovearoundhimandgotohisstaircase.Ilieacrossthestairsandspreadmylegs.“Comeandgether.She’sreadyforyou.Ripeandready.”
“Kelsey,baby,maybeweshouldjustgetreadyforbed.”
Iliftuponmyelbowsandsay,“Oh,tryingtoluremeintothebedroom.Iseeyou,Cane.Iseeyou.Sure,let’s‘justgetreadyforbed.’”Iuseairquotes.
HeoffersmehishandandItakeitaswewalkupthestairs.Idragmyhandovertheblackstairrail,enjoyingthesmooth,polishedsurface,andIallowhimtoguidemetohisroom.Buthedoesn’tstopatthebed.Instead,hewalksmetothesinkandhelpsmewithmytoothbrush.
“AreyousayingIhavebadbreath?”Iaskhim.
Heshakeshishead.“No,babe,thisisjustroutine.AndIknowhowmuchyoulikeroutine.”
Istickmytoothbrushinmyhand,starehimdown,andsay,“God,itturnsmeonthatyouknowthataboutme.”
“Seemslikeeverythingisturningyouonrightnow.”
“Showmeyourtoenails,andIbetIcomerighthere,rightnow.”
“Wow,thatchampagnehasreallydoneanumberonyou.”
“Ilovechampagne.Don’tyou?”
“Whydon’tyoujustfocusonbrushingyourteeth?I’llgetyouashirttochangeinto.”
“Don’tbother,Iwanttosleepnaked.”
IseehisAdam’sapplebob.“Areyousure?Youcanwearoneofmyshirts.”
Ishakemyhead.“Naked,orIscream.”
“Well,wedon’twantyouscreaming—”
“Onlywhenit’syourname,right…Jonah?”Iwigglemyeyebrowsandheheavesaheavysigh.
Wespendthenextfewminutes“gettingreadyforbed”aka,preppingourbodiesforthemagicthat’sabouttohappen,andwhenI’mdone,Itrotintohisbedroomtofindhimstandinginhisboxerbriefs,staringdownathisphone.
Wearingnothingbutmyveryownskin,Igripthedoorframeandsay,“Yoo-hoo,lookwho’sreadyforbed?”Itwiddlemyfingersathim.
Hesetshisphonedownandturnstowardme.Iwatchashiseyespracticallyeatmealive.That’sright,takeyourfill,bigboy.Imoveonefootinfrontoftheotherandsauntertowardhiminthiscome-hither,sexywaythatIknowmustbedrivinghimabsolutelycrazywithneed.
“Congratulations,”IsaywhenIreachhimandputmyhandsonhischest.
“Congratulationsforwhat?”heasks.
“Forgrowingsuchalargeboner.”Icuphiscrotch,readyforhisrocket,onlytocomeupwith…asnail.Iglanceupathim.“Whyareyounothard?”
“Listen,Kelsey,Ithinkweshouldjustgotobed,okay?It’sbeenalongnightandwehaveabigdaytomorrow.”
Itakeastepback.“No,you’renot—you’renothard.Doyounotfindmeattractive?”
“Baby,youknowthat’snottrue.YouknowIfuckingloveyourbody.YouknowIthinkyou’rethesexiestwomanI’veevermet.YouknowI’mabsolutelyheadoverheelsattractedtoyou.”
“But…you’renothard.”Ibackawayagain.“Isitmyflirtation?Doyounotlikeit?”
“Kelsey,let’sjustgetunderthecoversandgotobed.You’vehadalottodrink—”
“OhGod,Iturnedyouoff.”IbackupsomemoreuntilIrunintohisdresser,wheretheshirthewantedmetowearisfolded.Iquicklyputitovermybody,attemptingtofindsomesortofshieldasembarrassmentconsumesme.
“No,that’snotitatall.”Heblowsoutafrustratedbreathandgripshishair.“Canwejustgotobed?”
Ifeelmyeyeswellupwithtearsasmyheightenedembarrassmentpushesmetowardtheotherendofhisbed.Ipauseandquietlyask,“Doyouwantmetoshareyourbed?IcangoovertoHuxleyandLottie’s.”
“You’renotgoinganywhere,”hegrowls,andthenheapproachesme.Hetakesmyhandinhisandplacesasoftkissonmyknuckles.“Iwantyouinmybed.”
“Butyoudon’twantme…”Isayasatearfallsdownmycheek.Iquicklywipeitaway.“Icameontoostrong.Isaidthingsthatprobablyscaredyou.I’mnotthegirlyouthoughtIwas,that’swhatyou’rethinking,right?ThisiswhyI’malwaysvanilla,whyIdon’tstepoutofmyboxtodothingsIdon’tnormallydo.”
“Baby,stop.”
Ishakemyheadandpullmyhandawayfromhim.“Igetit,JP.Youdidn’tlikewhatIsaidtonight.”Islipunderthecoversofhisbed.“Ishouldjustsleepitoff,youknow?”
Hestandsnexttothebed,staringdownatme,tuggingonhishair.Icanseehewantstosaysomething,thatthere’ssomethingonthetipofhistongue,butinsteadoftellingmewhat’sonhismind,heturnsawayandgoestohissideofthebed.
Myheartcompletelyfalls.
Ialmostexpectedhimtotellmethathedidlikewhatheheard,butthat…Idon’tknow,somethingisonhismind.Butinstead,heturnsoffthelightsandslipsunderthecoverswithme.
Buttheworstthingthathappens,worsethanhisrejection,isthatwhenIfallasleep,he’snotholdingme.He’sonhissideofthebed,asfarfrommeashecanbe.
***
JP
“I’mgoingtofuckingpuke,”IsayasIwalkintoBreaker’splace.
HewokemeupatfivewithaphonecalltellingmeheneededmeathisplaceassoonasIcouldgetthere.Isprintedoutofbed,threwsomeclotheson,andrushedtohisplace.
KelseywasstillsleepingwhenIleft.Thephonecallluckilydidn’twakeher.
Lastnightwasfuckingtorture,andIstillfeelsickaboutitnow.AllIwantedwastotakemyconfidentgirltobed,todoallthethingsshewantedtodo,butIknewIcouldn’t,notwiththethreatofthatdefamatoryarticlehangingovermyhead.Itnotonlydidn’tfeelright,butI’vebeensonauseatedwithworrythatattemptingtogetitupseemedimpossible.Thatwasprovenwhenshewaswalkingtowardme,sogoddamnsexyinabsolutelynothing,andIdidn’tevenhaveastirofexcitement.Andthehurtonherface.Fuck.Ihatedthatinparticular.
“What’sgoingon?”IaskBreaker.“IsHuxleyhere?”
Heshakeshisheadaswebothwalkintohisofficeofftheentryway.“Ididn’tthinkI’dbotherhimwiththisbullshit.Hehasawedding,soIjusttoldhimitwashandled.”
“Hasitbeen?Handled,thatis?”
Heshakeshisheadashetakesaseatathisdesk.“Thearticleiscurrentlyonhold,pendingourdecision.”
Iknowexactlywhatthatmeans—blackmail.
SearingangerpulsesthroughmeasIask,“Whatdotheywant?”
“Well,thegoodthingis,thepersonwhosentthemyouremailhadsignedanNDAwiththegossipwebsite,meaningtheycan’tsellthestorytoanyoneelse.So,iftheydon’trunit,shecan’ttakeittoanotherwebsite.”
“Thankfuckforthat.ButI’msuretheypaidhertosignthatNDA.”
Breakernods.
“Andtheywantthat,ontopofwhattheywould’velostinwebsiterevenueforclicks,right?”
“Theywanttwomillion.”
“Jesusfuck,”IroarasIstand.“That’sfuckingextortion.”
“IhaveTayloronit.That’swhyit’scurrentlypending.They,ofcourse,don’tseeitasextortion,theyseeitasusbuyingoutapieceofrevenue.”
“Bullshit,”Iyell.“Showmethegoddamnnumbersthatprovethey’dmaketwomilliondollarsofrevenueoffthatstory.”
“Iknow,but,dude,thisisadipinthebankthatwon’tmakeahugedifference.Ilookedoverthenumbers,andIcanmaneuverthingsaroundandslipthedamagecontrolfeeintothebooksinawaythatnoonewouldknow,andwe’dstillgetataxbreakforit.We’retryingtoconvincethemtoseeitasadonation.”
“That’slying.”
“WhichiswhyIthoughtI’dtalktoyou.Theysaidthey’dusesomeoftheirwebsiteadspacetopromotesomethingwe’repassionateaboutsoitlookslikeadonationontheirend.”
“Whatanentirelyfucked-upsituation.So,what,they’reaskingwhatwewanttopromoteontheirwebsite?”
“Yes,andofferedtoputournameonit.”
“Fuckthat,”Iyell.“They’renotgettingCaneEnterprisesonanything.”
“Dude,Iknowyou’reupset,butgiventhesituationwe’rein—andwantingtosaveKelseytheembarrassmentifthisgotout—itwouldbesmarttotakethedeal.Andjustthrowdownsomecharity,somerandom…oh,hey,fuckinggivethemthepigeoncharitytopromote.Itwon’thaveournameonit,butwecanwriteitoffinthebooks,andI’msurethelastthingtheywantontheirwebsiteisasponsoredadaboutpigeons.”
Ipause,theangereasingonlyslightlyasIthinkaboutthepigeonsandhowcomicalthatwouldactuallybe.Igripmyjaw,myfingersrubbingoverthemorningscruff.“Youknow,therearesomerealill-lookingpigeonswecouldgetforthead.”
Breakerlaughs.“Notagoodlookforthem,butitallkindofworksoutintheend.”
“Ineedfrontadspace,fortwoweeks,andfinalsayinwhattheadlookslike.”
“Taylorhasalreadyworkedthatin.”
“Okay.”Inodandtakeaseatinachairagain.“Fuckingdoit.Getthisnightmareoffmyhands.”
Breakershootsoffatext,andwhenhe’sdone,hesetshisphonedownonhisdeskandleansbackinhischair.“Fuck,dude,canyoujustlistentomenexttime?Imightbeyoungerthanyou,butI’mprettydamnsmart.Sendinganemailtorandomgirlsinyourcontactslistdoesn’tscreambestideaever.”
“Yeah,well,hopefullythosedaysarebehindme.”
“I’mguessing,givenKelsey’sinebriatedstate,youweren’tabletotalktoher?”
“No,andthenshetriedonthiscuteseductionthing…fuck.Ilovedseeinghersoopenandwantingtotrythings,butIcouldn’tparticipate.Icouldn’t,ingoodconscience,fuckher.Shewasdevastated,evencried.”Mystomachtwistsuncomfortably.“Idon’tthinkIsleptmorethantwohours.”
“Well,thisistakencareof.Maybestopbyherfavoritecoffeeplaceonthewayhomeandmakeituptohernow.Becauseourbrotherisgettingmarried,andwewanttobethereforhim,mentally.”
“Iknow.”Istandandreachmyfistouttomybrother.HeknocksitwithhisasIsay,“Thanksfortakingtheleadonthis.Itmeansalottome.”
“It’swhatfamilyisfor,dude,andImeantwhatIsaidlastnight.I’mreallyfuckinghappyforyou.IknowlosingDadwasharderonyouthanHuxandme,andseeingyououtthere,openingyourselfuptolove…I’mreallyhappyforyou.Proudofyou.”
“Thankyou.”Ismileathim.“Okay,fuck…Ifeellikeagiantweighthasbeenliftedoffmyshoulders.Timetogoshowermygirlwithlove.Stillmeetingatmyplaceinanhour?”Iask,checkingmyphone.
“Yeah.WhyHuxleywantsustheresoearlyisbeyondme,buthehasplanstospendtimewithhisbrothersbeforetheIdos.Ithinkbasketballisontheschedule.”
“I’vebeenpracticing.”IpointatBreakerasIheadtowardthedoorofhisoffice.“Lookout.”
“I’mnotevenworriedintheslightest.There’snowayyoucould’veimprovedtobeabletobeatmeintheshortamountoftimesincewelastplayed.”
“Whatlittlefaith.Seeyouinabit.”Itaphisdoorframeandthentakeoff.Ineedtograbacoffeeformygirl,andhopefully,IcangiveheronequickorgasmbeforeIsendheronherway.ChapterTwenty-Two
KELSEY
MythroatfeelscompletelydryasIsitupinbed.
Thecold,emptybed.
Ileanovertothenightstandandswitchonthelight,illuminatingthedarkroomperfectly.IglancearoundbutseenotraceofJP.Hisphoneisn’tonhisnightstand.
Didheevensleephere?
IwishIwasthatpersonwhocoulddrinkalotofchampagne,blackout,andnotrememberonethingfromthenightbefore.
Unfortunately,that’snotme.
I’mthegirlwhousuallyhasthehangoverattachedtoalltheregret.
Andthat’swhatI’mfeelingrightnow.Animmenseamountofregret.
RegrethowIacted.WhatIsaid.ForthrustingmyselfuponJPwhenclearly…well,whenclearly,Iwasanythingbutattractivetohimlastnight.AndthewayheshutdownasifIactuallyrepulsedhim.Hewouldn’tevenholdmelastnight.Nowonderhe’snotherethismorning.
Itookthingstoofar.
Iflipthecoversoffmybodyandwalkovertothebathroom.Ilookforanote,maybeacupofcoffeeheleftbehindformelikehe’sdoneinthepast.
Nothing.
WorryconsumesmeasImakemywaydownthestairsandtothekitchen.
Nothing.
Maybehetextedme.
Iwalkbackupthestairs—gratefulIdon’thaveaheadache,onlyaseriouscaseofdrymouth—andwhenIreachthebedroomagain,Icheckmyphoneforamessage.
Nothing.
Onceagain,thatill-fatedembarrassmentconsumesmeastheworst-casescenarioplaysinmyhead.
Iturnedhimofflastnight.I’mthinkingthatasmuchashesaidhelikesrelaxed-Kelsey,drunk-Kelseydoesn’tappeal.And,fairenough.
ButIabsolutelyhatehowthefeelingsthis…emptinessissosimilartowhenEdwinleftthatnightwithGenesis.Andshewasstunning,intelligent,andlovely.NotneuroticanduptightlikeIam.Let’sbehonest,JPhadchosenherfirst,aswell.EventhoughIfeltonlyatenthofwhatIfeelforJPforEdwin,itstillstungwhenhewalkedaway.So,whatwillIfeelifJPdoesthesame?
Devastated.
ButwhyonHuxleyandLottie’sweddingday?Hesaidthathe’dbeenwaitingformeforalongtime,soit’sanawfulfeelingknowingI’vehittheexpirydateoftheplayboy.Isthishimlettingmedowneasy?Shit.Thisjustseemswrong.Ormaybe…right?
WhatamIdoingwiththesecirculararguments?
Eitherway,he’snotherenow.
I’mnotsurewhenhe’llreturn,butIknowonethingforcertain—Ican’tbehere.
IgotothedresserwhereIkeepsomeofmythingsandpulloutapairofjoggers.Idon’tbotherchangingmyshirt.Iquicklybrushmyteeth,tossmyhairupintoaponytail,andsliponsandals.
Phoneinhand,Iwalkdownthestairstotheentryway,andjustasI’mopeningthedoor,IhearJPask,“Whereareyougoing?”
Frozeninplace,Iturntowardwherehisvoicecamefrom—thekitchen—andIofferhimthebestsmileIcanmuster.“Uh,overtoLottie’s.Bridalthings.”IwaveathimbecauseI’mawkward.“So,yeah,happyweddingdaytoeveryone.”
Hisbrowpullstogether.“You’rejustgoingtoleavelikethat?Nokissgoodbye?”Hewalksuptomewithato-gocupofcoffeeinhishand.
“Oh,yeah,kiss,right.”Imeethimhalfway,standonmytoes,andthenpeckhimonthechin.“Okay,well,seeyouatthealtar.”Myeyeswiden.“Notouraltar,theweddingaltar,theweddingthat’snothappeningbetweenus,butbetweenLottieandHuxley.”Ibackuptowardthedoor.“So,yeah,seeyoulater.”
“Kelsey,waitasecond.”
“Ireallyhavetogo,”Isaytohim.“Lottieneedshelp.Shehas,uh…a,uhzit.”Inod.“Yup,azit.Andsheneedshelpsoothingthezitbeforethewedding,andifanyoneisthezitwhisperer,Iam.Butittakestimetosootheazitandwe’reonborrowedtime.”
Hisbrowsdrawevenclosertogetherthanbefore,andasIcrosstowardthefrontdoor,hecontinuestofollowme.“Well,atleastletmewalkyouacrossthestreet.”
“Oh,that’sokay.Idon’twanttotroubleyou.”
“You’renottroublingme,babe.”Hecatchesuptome,takesmyhandinhis,andlinksourfingers,thefeelofhispalmconnectedwithminenearlymakingthethingraspIhaveonmyemotionsslip.Hetugsmeclosetohimandkissesthetopofmyhead.“Howdidyousleep?”heasksaswemakeourwaytoLottieandHuxley’s.
“Uh…fine,”Ianswer,feelingsoawkward,souncomfortable.There’sagiantelephantintheroomandit’ssittingonourclaspedhands,tuggingmedown.
“Justfine?”
“Yeah,fine.”Wecrossthestreet,andtokeeptheconversationflowingsohedoesn’taskmewhat’swrongwithme,becauseIcanfeelitcoming,Iask,“Excitedaboutyourplanstoday?Ithinkyouhavebasketballandsomespecialshavesessionwithfacialsatabarbershop,andIbelievesomesortofbarbecuetasting.Seemedfancy,whenLottiewasexplainingittome.”
“There’salotgoingon.Hewantedtoplansomethingswithusbeforewewalkdowntheaisle.”Heholdsupthecoffeetomejustaswemakeittotheirfrontdoor.“Igotthisforyou.Yourfavoriteskinnyvanillalatte.”
“Oh.”Itakethecup.“Thankyou.Thatwasniceofyou.Youwentouttogetmecoffee?”
“Nah,IwasoutandfiguredI’dstop.”
Whywasheoutsoearlyinthemorning?Don’tevengothere,Kelsey.You’renotintherightframeofmind.It’llonlydoyoumoreharmthangood.
“Well,thankyou.”Luckily,justasIgotoknockonthedoor,Huxleyappears.
“Hey,”hesays,lookingbetweenus,butwhenhemeetsJP’seyes,theyexchangesomesortofconversation,andwhenJPnods,Huxleyclearshisthroatandstepsaside.“Lottieisupstairs.”
“Yup.Zitcontrol,”IsayasIreleaseJP’shandandattempttosqueezebyHuxley.
“Kelsey,”JPsaysbeforeIcangettoofar.
“Hmm?”Isay,lookingovermyshoulder.
“Areyougoingtosaybye?”
“Oh,yeah,sorry.I’vegotzitsonthebrain.”Ionceagaingivehimakissonhischin,butasIstepaway,heloopshisarmaroundmywaistandbringsmeinclosetohischest.Hetiltsmychinupandpresseshismouthtomine.
Warm.
Addictive.
Anelectrifyingkissthatrocksyoutoyourverycore.Hisaffectionripsthroughmelikeagentle,butcomforting,huganditcausesmyemotionstorampuponceagain.
Whenhereleasesme,IholdittogetherasIbackaway.
ButonceI’minsidethehouse,doorshutbehindme,Ifeelthetearsstreamdownmyface.
Whatonearthisgoingonwithme?
WhyamIsoemotional?
Becauseyou’reembarrassed.Becauseyoufinallyhavesomethingthatyou’vealwayswanted,andlastnightmadeyouunsureofeverythingyouknew.
Insecuritiescreepinandtakeholdofmyheart.
Hedidn’twantyou.
Hedidn’twantyourbody.
Hedidn’tholdyou.
Hewantednothingtodowithyou
Andeventhoughhekissedmethismorning,somethingfeelsoff.Somethingdoesn’tfeelright.Theideaoflosinghimismakingmesoemotional.
Becauseforthefirsttimeinmylife,IcanhonestlysayI’minlove.I’msohopelessly,anddesperately,inlovewithaman,andI’mafraidthatheverywellmightnotlovemeback.
Butnowisnotthetimeforthat,forthoseworries.Lottieisgettingmarried,whichmeansIneedtobethereforher.Thisisherday.Ineedtopushasidemyfeelings,slaponahappyface,andfocusonher.Andwhoknows—maybeshedoesneedhelpwithazit.
Iwipeatmycheeks,takeafewdeepbreaths,andthenwalkupthestairstoherbedroom.It’stimetogetthebridereadyfortheday.
***
“Doyouthinkpeoplewillbeabletoseeit?”Lottieasks,lookingintothemirror.
“Withourconcealer,noonewillbethewiser,”Meredith,ourmakeupartist,says,reassuringLottie.
Itwasn’tazitthatsheneededtoworryabout,butratherahickey.Apparently,Huxleywantedtoclaimwhatwashisonemoretimewithoutaring.Andhedidinspectacularfashion,rightonthemiddleofherneck.
Unfortunatelyformeandmyfragilestateofaffairs,seeingmysisterwithahickeyandabouttogetmarriedonlymademeconsidermycurrentsituation,whichofcourseledtomehavingamentalbreakdowninmysister’sbathroom.WhenIcameoutwithpuffyeyesandLottieaskedmewhatwasthematter,ItoldherI’dgottenacharleyhorsewhileonthetoiletandthatitnearlymademefalltothegroundinwrithingpain.ShetoldmeHuxleygotacharleyhorsetheothernightwhilepumpingintoherandthatitwassobad,itmadehispenisshrivelrightup.I’mnotsureI’llbeabletolookatHuxleythesameafterhearingthat.
ButI’vebeenabletoholdittogethereversince,enoughtofeedmyself,washmybody,andevenengageinconversationabouthowexcitedIamforLottietobegettingmarried.It’sbeengreat.
“So,younevertoldmehowlastnightwent.Didyoucashinonyourtext?”Lottieasks.
Well…itwasgreat.
“Uh,notreally,”Isay,knowingIcan’tlietomysister,thatshe’llseerightthroughme.“Toodrunk.”
Keepitatthat,simple.
“Youweren’tthatdrunk.Didyouchickenoutonme?Youdidn’thavetodothetwirl.Wasitthetwirlthatgotyou?”
TherewasnowayinhellIwasevenmentioningthetwirllastnight.
“No,itjust…itwasn’thappening,”Isay,crossingmylegs.
Shefrowns.“Whatdoyoumeanitwasn’thappening?”
“Imean…hewasn’t…inthemood,”Idrawout,hopingMeredithsignedthatNDAHuxleymakeseveryonewhowalksintohishousesign.
“Hewasn’tinthemood?”LottieasksasMeredithblotsconcealeronthehickey.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,hewasn’tinthemood.Canwedropit?BecauseIfeelemotionalaboutitandIdon’twanttobeemotionalonyourweddingday.It’ssupposedtobehappyandfun,notdepressing.”
“Yes,butIdon’twantyoutohavetoforceasmile.Weneedtotalkthisout.”
“Hello?”Elliecallsfromtheentryway.Justgreat…“Whereareyouguys?”
“Upstairsbedroom,”Lottiecallsout.
“Canwenottalkaboutthiswithher?”Iask.“I’mreally…I’membarrassed.Lastnightwassuchadisaster,andthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreIjustwanttocurlupandcry.Trustme,I’mhighlyemotional,andyoudon’twantthatwhilewe’regettingready.”Myeyeswellup.
Lottiereachesherhandouttome,andItakeit.“Butyou’rehurting,andIcan’thaveyouhurtingrightnow.Howcouldyouhaveanyfuntodayifyoubottleitallup?”
Elliecomesthroughthedooratthatmoment,aboxofbakedgoodsinonehandandherdressbagintheother.“SorryI’mlate,thebabywasbeingfussy,andIhatetobethatperson,butIreallywantedtomakesureeverythingwasokaybeforeIleft.”Shestudiesme,thenLottie,thenmeagain,andshewinces.“Oh,hetoldyou.Howareyoudoing?”
Toldme…
Toldmewhat?
IsittallerandsodoesLottie,herprotective-big-sisterinstinctskickingin.“Toldherwhat?”Lottieasks.
Ellie’sfacedrainsofallcolorassheonceagainlooksbetweenus.“Uh…whatwasthat?”Sheblinksafewtimes.
LottieturnstoMeredithandasks,“I’msosorry,butcouldyougiveusamoment?”
“Notaproblem,givesmeachancetocheckinwiththekids.”
Meredithtakesoff,shuttingthedoorbehindher,andLottiespinsinherseatandasks,“Whatareyoutalkingabout,Ellie?”
NowEllie’swringingherhandstogether,chewingonthesideofherlip,lookinglikeshemightpossiblyfleeorthrowup.“Youknow,it’snotabigdeal.Ijust—youlookedupset,soIassumedsomethingIshouldn’thaveassumed.Whydon’twejustignorewhatIsaidandhavesomecronuts?Igottheraspberry-filledones.”
SpeakingasevenlyasIcan,Isay,“Ellie,I’maborderlineemotionalnutcaserightnow.Ineedtoknowwhatyou’retalkingaboutorImightcombust.Please,justtellme.”
Shesighsandmutters,“Meandmybigmouth.”Shegrabsherphoneandstartsscrollingthroughitwhileshesays,“TheonlyreasonIknowisbecauseDavetoldmeaboutitandIwaspreparingmyselfforwhatmighthappenthismorning.Butapparently,andIdon’tknowwhen,JPsentoutanemailtoabunchofwomenaskingthemtobehisdateforthewedding.”
“What?”Iask.
Elliehandsmeherphone.AscreenshotfromanemailJPsentcomesintoview.
“Whatdoesitsay?”Lottieasks.
“‘Heyladieeees.Sendingabigoldcockofanemailbecause,youknow…Ihaveabigcock’…”Itrailoff,unabletoreaditanymore,soLottietakesthephoneandfinishesforme.
“‘Sothisemailhastomatch.Here’sthething.HuxisgettingmarriedtoLuluLemon.’”Shelooksup.“Hey,whyishecallingmeLuluLemon?”
“That’swhatyou’reworriedabout?”Iaskasatearescapesdownmycheek.Ellieisquicktohandmeatissue.
“You’reright.Emailismoreimportant.”Lottieclearsherthroat.“‘AndtheytoldmeIneedaplus-one.Lookingforawillingcandidatetoescortmedowntheaisle.Allexpensespaid.Promisesofpleasure.Ifinterested,hitmeup.Iwearcondomsstill.K.Bye.JP.’Thatmotherfucker!”
“Wait,hesaidhestillwearscondoms?Whywouldhesaythat?”Iask.
“Becausehe’slookingforsex,”Lottiesays,handingthephonebacktoEllie.“Whenisthisemailfrom?”
Ellieshrugs.“Idon’tknow.IjusthearditfromDavelastnight,andthenthebabyneededme.”
“Doesitsayonthescreenshot?”Iask,mythroatsotight,thewordsstraintofalloffmytongue.
Ellielooksatthephoneandthenshakesherhead.“Thatwasallblackedout.”
IworrymylipsasIdrawmykneesupclosetomychest.
“Hello?Wherearemybabies?”Momcallsfromdownstairs.
IgiveapanickedlooktoLottie,whothenglancesatEllie.“Wantmetodistracther?”Ellieasks.
Webothnodand,thankfully,shetakesoffandshutsthedoorbehindher.Whenitclicksshut,Iburymyheadinmyhands.Lottiesitsnexttome.
“I’msosorry.”
“Whyareyousorry?”Lottieasks.
“BecausethisisyourdayandI’mruiningit.”
“No,JPisruiningit.Nowtellmeexactlywhathappenedlastnight.”
Iswipeatmyeyesandsay,“Whenwegotbacktohisplace,Iwasallabouthavingsexanddoingallthedirtythings.Hewasreallyreservedandalmoststandoffish.IsaidIwasgoingtobednakedandhesuggestedIwearclothes.Itwas—itwasweird.”
“Thatisweird.”
“Andthen,whenIthrewmyselfathimagain,hesaidnottonight,and…ugh,itwashumiliating.Iendedupgoingtobed,andwhenIthoughthe’dcuddleupagainstme,hedidn’t.Iwokeupthismorningtoanemptybed.Iwashumiliatedand…andIdon’tthinkhethinksI’mattractiveorthathewantsmeanymore.RightwhenIwasabouttocomeoverhere,heshowedupandwalkedmeover.Hewasmoreloving,stillalittlestiff.Hesaidhewasalreadyoutthismorning,sohepickedmeupcoffee,butwherewashe?WashedoingsomethingwithHuxley?”
“Huxleywaswithmeallmorning.”
Tearscascadedownmycheeks.“God,thenIhavenoidea.ButhedidgivemethisreallygoodkissbeforeIwalkeduphere,buthehasn’ttextedsinceand…Idon’tknow.I’veneverfeltmoredesiredthanIamwhenI’mwithhim,butlastnight…lastnight,Ifeltfoolish,andnowthisemail.”Panictightensmythroat.“Whatifhesentthatwhileweweretogether?”
Lottietakesadeepbreathandsays,“Let’sberationalaboutthis,okay?”
Inod,eventhoughtheworst-casescenariokeepsflashingthroughmyhead.
“Lastnight,whenweweredrinking,theboyswereinthehousetalking.”
“Yes,‘manthings,’theysaid.”
“Whichiscodeforeitherpenisproblems,orsomethingtomakeusthinkit’spenisproblemssowedon’tgosniffingaroundforinformation.”
“DoyouthinkJPwashavingpenisproblemslastnight?Isthatwhyhewouldn’thavesexwithme?Imean,Iwasnakedinfrontofhimandhewasn’tevenhard.”
Lottieshakesherhead.“No,Idon’tthinkhewashavingpenisproblems,becauseevenHuxleywasirritatedlastnightandIdoubthisbrother’spenisproblemwouldmakehimirritated.ThiswasthekindofirritationthatIalwaysassociatewithwork.”
“So,theyhadaworkproblemlastnight?”
“No,Ibetyoutheyweredealingwiththisemail.IfDaveToneyknewaboutitlastnight,hewould’vetoldtheboys.Myguessis,someonegottheirhandsontheemailthatshouldn’thaveandtheboysweretryingtotakecareofit.”
“Butwhenwasitsent?”
“Probablybeforeyouguysweretogether.There’snowayhesentitafter.Hereallylikesyou,Kelse.”
“Iliketothinkthathedoes,but…there’sthisfeelingIhave,thisfeelingIthinkI’vealwayshadwhengettinginvolvedwithhim.I’mnotgoodenough,notuptohislevel.I’mnotgoingtofulfillwhatheneedsinlife.We’resodifferent.”
“Butyouareexactlywhateachotherneeds,too.”Shegripsmycheeks,forcingmetolookather.“YourinsecuritiesaremisshapingyourviewofJP.He’sagoodguy.AndthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreI’mconvincedthisistheboystryingtoshieldusfromthetruth.”
“Thetruthbeing…JPdidn’twanttotakemetothewedding.”
“Stopit.Youdon’tknowthat.”
“Thenwhydidn’thewantmelastnight?”Icry.“Andwherewashethismorning?Doyouthinkhewaswithsomeoneelse?”
Lottieshakesherhead.“No.He’dneverdothat.Youshouldknowhimwellenoughatthispointtoknowhewouldn’tdothat,either.”
“But…hedidn’tgethard.Hedidn’tholdme.He’sbeensopossessiveofmeeversincewegottogether,andthen,allofasudden,thatjustends?Somethingisoff.”
“Maybehewasworriedyou’dfindout.”
“Becausehe’shidingsomething?”
“Ormaybebecausehe’safraidoflosingyou.”
Ileanbackonthesetteeandshieldmyeyes.
“Justtexthim.”
“Texthimwhat?”
“Texthimanything,seewhathesays.Here,givemeyourphone.”
Ihanditovertoherandshetypesaway.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Showingyouthateverythingisokay.Ireallythinkthisisallamisunderstanding.JPiscrazyaboutyou.”Shetypesawayandhitssendbeforeflashingmethescreen.
Kelsey:Hey,how’sitgoingoverthere?Youguyshavingfun?
“See?Casual,easy.We’llseewhathesays.”
“That’sifhetextsback.”
MyphonebeepsandLottiegivesmeaknow-it-alllookbeforesheleansinandwereadhisresponsetogether.
JP:Good,justgotdonewithbreakfast.We’reofftobasketballwithfullstomachs.IfIsuck,I’mblamingitonthebacon.Howareyou,baby?DidItellyouhowgorgeousyouaretoday?Ifnot,youare.Sofuckinggorgeous.
“See?”Lottiesays,tossingherhandintheair.“Itoldyou.HavingbeenaroundHuxleyduringworkcrises,I’dsaythisisexactlywhathappened—someonebroughtupthisemailthatJPsentwhoknowshowlongago,theydiddamagecontrol,andJPwasworriedaboutitlastnight.Lookatthattext.You’retellingmehedoesn’tlikeyou?You’retellingmehe’dratherbewithsomeoneelse?”
Istaredownatthetext,readingitoverafewtimes.
Apartofmebelievesher.Itallmakessensewhenyoulineituplikethat,but…whataboutthismorning?Whatabouthisrejectionlastnight,notholdingme?Evenifhewasworried,he’datleastholdme,right?
ButIneedtostorethatawayfornow.Ican’tworryaboutit.I’vealreadyruinedthismorning,andIrefusetoruintherestoftheday.
PullingoutthebestsmilethatIcan,Isay,“Yeah,Ithinkyou’reright.”
“IknowIam.”Lottiegivesmeahug.“Doyoufeelbetter?”
“Yes.”Ismileevenbigger,butIdon’tfeelitinsideofme.Idon’tfeelthejoy.Ijustfeel…sad.“Wantmetograbthegirls?”
Sheshakesherhead.“No,Iwanttograbsomemoredrinks.I’llberightback.Needanything?”
“I’mgood.”
Shepatsmyshoulder.“Textyourboyback,seejusthowmuchhelikesyou.”
Whensheleaves,Istareatmyphone.I’mtemptedtonotsayanything,tojustignorehisresponse,butIdon’twanttobethatgirl.Idon’twanttoignorehim.Idon’tfeelgreatinside,butIdoknowIshouldcontinuetalkingtohim.
So,Ido.EventhoughI’mhurting,Iknowthatit’snotrighttopushhimaway.
Kelsey:Thankyou.I’mdoingokay.Slightlydehydrated.ThemakeupartistiscurrentlyattemptingtocoverupadeeppurplehickeyonLottie’sneck.We’rehopingthemagicofmakeupwinstoday.
Ihearlaughterdownstairs.Forgetyourtroubles.Forgetyourfeelings.ThisdayisforLottie,andIneedtomakethebestofit.
Myphonebeeps.
JP:Huxtoldus.Lottiedidn’tseemfazed.How’sthatzit…
Ibitemybottomlip.God,doesheknowIwaslying?Hopefullyhedoesn’t.WouldHuxtellthemaboutazit?Whoknows?
Kelsey:Mellowed.Shouldn’tbeaproblem.
JP:Lookslikeyou’reazitwhisperer,afterall.Goodjob,babe.Oh,hey,theboysareyellingatmetogetoffmyphone.I’llcheckbackin.Thinkingofyou,babe.Can’twaittoseeyouinyourdress.
Kelsey:Havefun.
Isetdownmyphone,takeadeepbreath,andasIreleasetheair,thedoortothebedroomopens.It’stimetoputonmyhappyface.
***
“Ido,”Lottiesays,hervoicetightwithemotion.
Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenamanprouderthanHuxleyatthismoment.Hischestfillswithair,hiseyessparklewithtears,andyoucanseethereliefinhisshoulders,knowingthewomanstandinginfrontofhimwillnowcarryhislastname.Absolutelybeautiful.
Theentireceremonyhasbeenbeautiful.Theytimedittobeginrightbeforesunset,soastheyproceeded,thesunsetagainstthewaterbehindthem.Thelocationhasitsownbeach,sothereisn’tatouristorlocalaround.Theskyisbeautifullydottedwithpuffycloudsthatreflectthesuninshadesofpinkandpurple,creatingthemoststunningglow.
Lottie,inasimplemermaid-styledress,stealstheshow,butthemenintheirdeepbluesuitsareshowstoppers,too.I’veattemptedtoavoidJP’seyecontactasmuchasIcan,butitfeelsimpossible.Myeyesarelikeamagnettohis.WhenIstartedwalkingdowntheaisle,Ilookedhiswayandcaughthimcatchhisbreathrightbeforehewethislips.Whentheceremonybegan,Iglancedinhisdirectionandsawhimsmilingatme,hisexpressionsointensethatIwantedtowalkovertohimandburymyheadinhischest.Andnow,astheministerannouncestoHuxleyandLottiethatthey’remanandwife,IwatchJProckonhisheelsandstaremedown,openpromisesinhiseyes.
“I’dliketointroducetoyouforthefirsttime,Mr.andMrs.HuxleyCane.”
Likearobot,IcheerandhandLottieherbouquetbeforesheandHuxleywalkbackuptheaisle.AndbecauseLottiewantedmetowalkwithJP,he’snextinline.Hemeetsmeatthealtar,armextended.
Herewego.
Istepupnexttohim,loopmyarmthroughhis,andexpecttowalkuptheaisle,butthenheleansinclosetomyear,sendingchillsupmyspine,andwhispers,“Youlooksogoddamnbeautiful,Kelsey.Youtakemybreathaway.”
Mybatteredheartbeatswildlyasmykneesgoalittleweak.
Ilovethisman.Ilovehimsomuch,andhearinghisvoice,feelinghisstrongbodyconnectedtomine,italmostseemsliketoomuch.
“Thankyou,”Iwhisperbackaswemakeourwaytothereceptionroom,whereHuxleyiskissingLottie,hishandpossessivelyonherlowerback,holdinghertightly.
JPturnstowardmeandliftsmychin.BeforeIcansayanything,hislipsareonmineandhishandgentlyrunsthroughthecurlsofmyhair.“Fuck,”hewhisperswhenhepullsaway.“Imissedyoutoday.”Hekissesmynose,myforehead,andthenmylipsonemoretimejustasBreakerstepsupnexttouswithEllie.
“Hell,everyoneiskissing.Shouldwe?”
Elliechucklesandsays,“OnlyifyouwantDavetocutoffyourballsandservethemasadelicacyfordessert.”
Breakertapshischin.“Hmm,decisions,decisions.”
Theweddingplannercomesuptousandsays,“Theguestsarecoming,butremember,noconversations,justaquickwave,becauseweneedthebrideandgroomoutbythesunsettotakefinalpictures.”
Thecrowdwalksin,everyonehappy,chatting,andheadingstraighttowardtheopenbar.
“Youokay?”JPasks,tuggingonmyhand.
Ismileupathim.“Yeah,justhappyforHuxleyandLottie.”
Notsurehebuysit,becausehecontinuestostudyme,butthankfully,LottieandHuxleyheadbackoutsideandwefollowbehind.Thereareonlyafewstragglersleftontherooftoptakingsomepictures.
“Justthebrideandthegroomrightnow,ifeveryoneelsewouldsteptotheside,”theplannersays.“Andguestsshouldheadintothereceptionspace.”
Twogirlstakingpicturesofthemselvesinfrontofthesunsetoffertheirapologies,andastheyworktheirwayuptheaisle,oneofthem,theoneinaskintightlavenderdress,makeseyecontactwithJPandsmilesbroadly.JPshiftsnexttomeasshepressesherhandtohischestandinpassing,says,“Comparedtothismorning,youlookamazing.Congratsonthenewsister-in-law.”Sheoffershimawinkandthenheadsintothereceptionarea.
Theworldaroundmefadestonothing.
Comparedtothismorning?
Hewaswithherthismorning?
Myliptrembles.
Myheartthundersinmychest.
AndIfeellikeI’mgoingtopuke.
“Kelsey,”JPwhispers,“it’snotwhatyouthink.”
Nothere.
Notnow.
Pictureshavetobetaken.
I’lldealwiththislater.
Pushittotheside.Blackenyoursoul.
Don’tshowyouremotion.
Youcandothis,Kelsey.
Youhavetodothis.ChapterTwenty-Three
JP
Fuck.
Thathasbeenthewordofchoiceforthepasttwenty-fourhours.I’vejustbeenlivinginaconstantstateoffuck.Ifit’snotonething,it’sanother.
Thingsarestrained.Kelseymightbeputtingonahappyface,butInowknowwhenshe’snothernormalself.Andrightnow,hersmileisn’tevenclosetoreachinghereyes.HertextmessagesdwindledasthedaywentonandwhenIexpectedhertosmileatmewhilewalkingdowntheaisle,shetorehereyesaway,overandoveragain.
AndIdon’tblameher.ThroughHuxley,Ifoundoutthatthegirlsknowabouttheemail.WhenIstartedtocallKelseytoexplain,HuxleytoldmethatLottiehadbackedmeup.She’dassuredhimthateverythingwasokayandthatKelseydidn’twanttotalkaboutit.So,IheldbackeventhoughIdidn’twantto.
Butnowwe’rehere,together,andIknowshe’sputtingonashow.Icanfuckingfeelit.Ifeelherslippingaway,andifitwereunderanyothercircumstances,I’dpullhertothesidetoexplaineverythingtoher,butunfortunately,nowisnotthetime.
Andjusttomakethingsworse,fuckingJillhadtogoandsay,“Comparedtothismorning,youlookamazing.”ConsideringIwasn’tatmyhousewhenKelseywokeupthismorning,thislooksbad.Reallybad.
ItlookslikeIfuckingsleptwiththegirl,afterIwouldn’tsleepwithmyowngirlfriendthenightbefore.AndfromthestiffsetinKelsey’sshoulders,I’mthinkingthat’sexactlywhat’sgoingthroughhermind.
Iknowherfromourlawyer’soffice.She’sTaylor’ssecretary,soshewasprivytothewholeextortionfiasco.IsawJillatthecoffeeshopthismorning.Andshewasright,I’mlookingbetterthanthismorningbecauseIthoughtthenightmarewasover.
Now…notsomuch.
GrippingKelsey’sarm,Ileanclosetoherearandask,“CanIspeakwithyou?”
“Notnow,”shesaysthroughclenchedteeth.
“Ineedtoexplain.”
Hereyesflashtomine.“Not.Now.”
AndthenshepullsawayastheweddingplannercallshertotakeapicturewithLottie,Huxley,hermom,andJeff.MygutchurnsasIwatchherputonahappyfaceandsmilewithherfamily.Iseethetightgripshehasonherbouquet,asifit’stheonlypartofherthatcanshowanysortofemotion,andwhenthey’redonewiththepicture,shedoesn’tcomestandnexttome.ShestaysnearLottie,helpingwithherdressandassistingthephotographerandweddingplanner.Somemightthinkshe’sbeingthedutifulmaidofhonor,butIknowshe’savoidingme.
Afteranhouroftorturouspictures,we’relinedupattheentrancetotheadjoiningrooftopwhereeveryoneiswaiting,andwewaittobeannounced.
Kelsey’sshoulderbumpsintomineaswewaitandIattempttotakeherhandinmine,butshedoesn’tallowit.It’snotuntilwe’rewalkingoutontotherooftopthatshebrieflyholdsmyhanduptotheskybeforedroppingitatherside.Thenshegoesstraighttoourassignedseatsandsits.ItakemyseatnexttoheranddrapemyarmoverthebackofherchairwhileLottieandHuxleydancetoanacousticversionofFleetwoodMac’sDreams
“Baby,Ineedyoutolistentome,”Isayquietlysoonlyshecanhearme.“Jillisthenameofthegirlwhocameuptome,sheworksforTaylor.Shesawmethismorningatthecoffeeshop.Shewasgrabbingbagelsandcoffeeforherteam.Iknowitlooksbad,butIneedyoutoknow,whatyou’rethinkingaboutwhatshesaidisn’tevenclosetothetruth.”
Shekeepshereyestrainedonthehappycouple.Shedoesn’tacknowledgeme,doesn’tevenflinch.Iknowsheheardmebecausethesmallesttearrollsdownhercheekbeforesheswipesitaway.
“Kelsey,pleasetellmeyoubelieveme.”
Shesniffsandbringsherhandkerchieftohereyesbeforesaying,“Yes.”
“Doyoureally?”
StillwatchingHuxleyandLottie,shereplies,“Ihaveto,right?”
“No,”Ianswer,concernedbythecoldtoneinhervoice.“Youdon’t.Youcantalkaboutit,youcantellmehowyou’refeeling.”
“Thehappycouplewouldliketoinviteeveryonetojointhemonthedancefloorastheyfinishdancingtotheirfirstsong,”theDJsays.
KelseystandsandIfollowherclosely,butwhenshedoesn’tstopatthedancefloorandkeepsmovingthroughthecrowd,Icatchuptoherquickly.Sheweavespastafewtables,downthestairs,andintotheprivateroomsbelow,straightintothebride’ssuite.
Ishutthedoorbehindme,andwhenIturnaround,Iseehershakingherhandsandpacingtheroomasshetakesdeepbreaths.“Don’tbreakdown.Don’tbreakdown,”shesaysoverandoveragain.
“Kelsey,talktome,baby.”
Shepauses,andwithdeflatedshoulders,shesays,“I—”Hervoicecatches.“Idon’t…Idon’tknowwhat’shappening.”Whenshelooksup,tearsfalldownhercheeks,cascadinginasteadyflow.“Iwassohappylastnight.Iwas…IwasgoingtotellyouIloveyou,forfuck’ssake.”
Shewhat?Fuck…whydidshesaythatinthepasttense?
“Butthen,itwasasifIwastoohappyandsomethingwasboundtohappen.That’swhatIkeptsaying.Itwastoogoodtobetrue,allofit.AndIwasright.”
“No,youweren’t,”Isay.“Itwasn’ttoogoodtobetrue.”
Sheshakesherhead.“No,itwas.BecausehereIthoughtthatwe—thatwewereinagoodplace,butweweren’t.Doyourealizehowmuchcourageittookmetoaskyoutodothosenaughtythings?That’snotme,JP.That’snotthepersonIam,andthentobestandinginfrontofyou,completelynaked,onlyforyoutoturnmedown…”Shechokesup.“Itbrokeapieceofme.”
“Baby,it’snotthatIdidn’twantyou.Ialwayswantyou.”
“Notlastnight.AndwhenIthoughtthatmaybeitwasjustbecauseIwasdrunk,thatmaybeIturnedyouoff,youdidn’tevenholdmetoreassureme.Youwerecold.Distant.Doyouknowthekindofdamagethatdoestoawoman?Youcan’tdothat,JP.Youcan’tfuckingdothat.”
Fuck.
Isteptowardher,butsheholdsupherhand.“Don’t.Pleasedon’ttouchme,becauseIknowifyoudo,Iwon’tbeabletosaywhatIwanttosay.I’lljustwanttocurlintoyouandwishthatnoneofthishappened.Butitdidhappen.Andthen…thenIhearaboutthisemailyousenttoabunchofwomen.”
“Beforeweweretogether,”Isayquickly.“Iwashurtingsofuckingbadforyou.IwroteitthatnightIgotwasted.Ididn’tevenknowIdidit,whichIknowsoundsterrible,butitwasafteryouwentoutwithDerekandI…Ididn’tknowhowtohandleit.Itmeantnothing.”
“That’swhatLottiebelievedtohavehappenedandIbelieveyou,Itrulydo,butitonlyaddedtothepainIwasfeeling,thesadness.Ittookeverythinginmetoignorethefactthatyoudidn’twantme,thatyoudidn’twakeupwithme,thatyouwerereachingouttootherwomen,butthatJillgirl…”
“Itoldyou—”
“Wherewereyouthismorning?”
“WithBreaker,”Isay.“Hecalledmeatfive.”Itugonmyhair.“Fuck,Iwantedtotellyouthislastnight,butyouweredrunkandIdidn’tthinkitwouldgooverwell.Anonlinegossipwebsitehadtheemailsubmittedtothem,theyweregoingtopublishit,andthearticlewasn’tfuckinggood.So,wespentlastnightandthismorningmakingsureitwentaway.Andwedid,butIhadtorushovertoBreaker’sthismorningforsomenegotiations.Afterthat,Igrabbedyourfavoritecoffee,andthat’swhenIsawJill.Iwashopingyou’dstillbeasleepbythetimeIgothome,butbecauseI’vehadshitluckthepasttwenty-fourhours,youwereawake.Iswear,Kelsey,thishasjustbeenacompleteshitshowthatIwantedtotellyouabout.YouhavetoknowIwouldn’tcheatonyou,thatI…fuck,thatIlove—”
“Don’t.”Sheholdsupherhandagain.“Pleasedon’tsaythat.Thosewordsaren’tmeanttosavearelationship,they’remeanttofortifyit.Don’tsayittomakemefeelbetter.”
“Butit’showIfeel.Youhavetoknowthat.”
Shewipesathereyesandturnsawayfromme.
“Kelsey,please.”
Blottingathereyes,shesays,“Ibelieveyou,JP.Ireallydo.”
WhydoIfeellikethere’sa“but”behindthatstatement?
Whenshelowersherhandkerchief,shelooksmeintheeyesandsays,“Ijustneedasecond.Okay?Myemotionsaresuperheightenedrightnow,andIdon’twanttosaysomethingI’mgoingtoregret.Canwejustgobackoutthereandcelebrateoursiblingsgettingmarried?”
“Ifthat’swhatyouwant,”Isay.
Shesucksinasharpbreathandsays,“That’swhatIwant.”
“Okay.”Iwalkuptoherandtakeherhand,butshegentlytugsitaway.
“No,”shesays.“Let’scelebrate…separately.”
PanicclogsmythroatasIchokeout,“Wh-whatdoyoumean?Areyoubreakingupwithme?”
“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing,JP.Ijustneedsomespacerightnow.”
“Pleasedon’tdothis,Kelsey.”EverythingI’vewantediscrumblinginfrontofme.“Don’tdistanceyourselffromme.Ineedyou,baby.Don’tyouseethat?I’dneverdoanythingtohurtyou.Lastnightwas…fuck,Iwastryingtoprotectyou.Iwastrying—”
Shepressesherhandtomychest.“Please,JP,justgivemesometime.There’safull-oninsecuritybattleraginginmyheadrightnow,andIneedtotacklethatfirstbeforeIdoanythingelse.”
“Youhavenothingtobeinsecureabout.”
“That’swhereyou’rewrong.ForaslongasIcanremember,I’vebeenlookingfortherightpersontocompleteme.Butnoonewouldlookmyway,andiftheydid,itneverlasted.I’vebeenunluckyatlove,andthat’sdamaging.Itmakesmethink‘What’swrongwithme?Whydoesn’tanyonewanttobewithme?’I’vewonderedthatforsolong.”
“Baby,I’mtellingyou,Iseeyou.Iwanttobewithyou.”
“Yes,butlastnight,youdidn’t.That’swhereI’mstruggling,becauseinmymind,nomatterwhatyou’regoingthroughinlife,yourpartnerinlifeshouldbethere,byyourside,throughthickandthin.You…youleftmeoutinthecoldlastnight,nakedandshamed.Iunderstandthatwasn’tyourintention,butgivenmypastinsecurities,I’mtryingtomentallydealwiththerejection.So,please,justgivemethattime.”
Fuck.
IwanttotellherIloveher.
ThatI’veneverbeenhappierthanwhenshe’sinmyarms.
ThatIdon’twanttogoanotherdaywithoutmakinghermine.
Butfromthedistantlookinhereyes,Iknowmywordswillmeannothingrightnow.
Absolutelynothing.
So,IdotheonethingIdon’twanttofuckingdo,ItakeastepbackandpullonthebackofmyneckasIsay,“Okay,takeyourtime.Butjustknow,wheneveryou’reready,I’llbehere,waitingforyou.I’mnotgoinganywhere,Kelsey.Youcanpushmeawayasmuchasyouwant,butI’llkeepcomingback.”
Andwiththat,sheslipsoutoftheroomandbacktothereception.Needingagoddamnmoment,Itakeaseatononeofthecouchesintheroomandrestmyelbowsonmykneesbeforedrivingmyhandsthroughmyhair.
Fuck…
***
“Howdiditgo?”Breakerasksashejoinsmeatthebar.Ihaveawaterinmyhand,notbotheringwithdrowningmysorrows,butstayingclosetothealcoholincaseIchangemymind.
“Howdidwhatgo?”Isnapathim,keepingmyvoicelow.“Oh,youmeanmyconversationwithKelsey?Fuckinggreat,can’tyoutell?We’rehappilyinloveaswespeak.”
“I’msensingaheavydoseofsarcasm.”
“Noshit,howcouldyoueventell?”
“Well,foronething,you’resportingoneofthemostintensescowlsI’veeverseen.TheweddingplanneractuallyaskedmeifIhadthemagictofixyourface.Secondly,Kelsey,fromwhatI’veseen,hasavoidedyouallnight.Which,youknow,seemssuspicioussinceyoutwowerealloveroneanotherattherehearsalpartylastnight,beforethewholeemailthingwentdown.So,fromthatevidence,I’mprettysureit’ssafetoconcludethatyou’rebeingsarcastic.”
Ibringmyglasstomylipsandstareatthedancefloor,whereKelseyisdancingwithLottieandtheirmomtoFireballbyPitbull.“Ihateyou,youknowthat?”
“Whydoyouhateme?I’mprettysureIhelpedsaveyourassthismorning.”
“Yeah,whatgreatthatdid.Shestillwon’tfuckingtalktome.”
“Seemslikea‘you’issue.”
Slowly,Iturnmyheadtofacehim.Heawkwardlysmilesandshrugs.“Nottherightthingtosay?”
“Notevenalittle.”
“MaybeIshouldworkonmypeopleskills.”
“Maybeyoushouldjustleavemethefuckalone.”
“Whyistheweddingplannersendingmeoverheretotellyoutofixyourface?”Huxleyasksinawhisperashewalksuptous.
“Jesus,telltheweddingplannertofixherownfaceandleavemethefuckalone.”
“NeedIremindyouit’smyweddingday?”Huxleyasksinatonesolow,thatIbarelyhearhim.
“Isit?”Iask.“Huh,isthatwhywe’reinthesesuits?Well,fuck,gottotellyou,man,theshrimpwasfuckingterrible.Should’vetaste-tested.”
IcanfeelthewrathofHuxleyreadytoexplode,butbeforeitcan,Breakerpushesagainstmychest,movingmeaway,andcallsoverhisshoulder,“I’lltakecareofit.”
“Aren’tyouasweetheart,”Isayasheushersmetoatableatthefarback.Webothtakeaseat.“Whatareyougoingtosaytome?Offersomelecture?Guesswhat?Idon’tneedtohearitfrommylittlebrother,whoclearlyhasnoideawhatit’sliketofallinlove.”
“I’mnotgoingtolectureyou.Ijustwanttoaskyouhowyouare.”
“Notgood,man,isn’tthatobvious?”
“Itis.WhatcanIdotohelp?Wantmetotalktoher?Icantellhereverythingthathappened,backyouup.”
IshakemyheadasIslouchinmychair.“No,shefuckingbelievesitall.”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”heasks.
“Theproblemis,inmysheerpaniclastnight,Ifuckedup.Shewasvulnerable,andIwastoocaughtupinmyownhead,worriedIwasgoingtoloseher.Ididn’tgiveherthecomfortsheneeded.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Ismoothmyhandsovermypantlegsandsay,“Kelseyhasinsecuritiesaboutbeingloveable.Ikeeptellingherit’sbecauseshehasn’tfoundtherightguy,butIdon’tthinkthattranslatesinherhead.Shebelievesithastodowithher.Lastnight,shewaslookingforthatreassurance,butlikeafuckingmoron,Ididn’tgiveherwhatsheneeded.Ididn’tseeitthen,butnowthatIplayeditoverinmyhead,IrealizethatI’mthebiggestfuckingidiot.Iinadvertentlyplayedintothoseinsecurities.Anditmakesmefuckingsick.”
“Shit…”Breakerrestsoneofhisarmsonthetableashelooksoutatthedancefloorwithme.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“Sheaskedfortime,soI’mgoingtogiveittoher.”
“Areyoubrokenup?”
“Notsure.Feelslikeit,though,andIonlyhavemyselftoblame.”
***
“Don’ttexther,shewantssomespace.Textingherwillonlyirritateher,”IsaytomyselfasIpacethelengthofmykitchenislandthedayafterthewedding.“Donottexther.DONOT.”
Istaredownatmyphoneonmymarblecountertop.
DON’T!
Myhanditchestograbthephone,myheartmakingthedecision.
AndbeforeIcanstopmyself,IgrabmyphoneandpresssendonthetextI’vealreadycomposed.
JP:Goodmorning,baby.Ihopeyougothomeallrightlastnight.IknowyouwantspaceandI’mgoingtogiveyouwhatyouwant,butIneedyoutoknowthatI’mstillthinkingaboutyou,everygoddamnsecond.Isentoveramorning-afterbasketwithafewthingstohelpyourecoverfromlastnight.I’mhereforyou.
Icurlmylipsovermyteeth,staringatthetext,readingitoverandoveragain.Whenit’smarkedasreadwithnoresponse,Iinwardlycringe,hatingmyself.
Should’velistenedtoyourgoddamnbrain.
***
JP:Stillgivingyouspace,butjustwantedtotellyouthatImissyou.Imissyourwarmhugs,yoursoftlips,thewayyoumakemefeelwhenyou’rearound.Imisseverythingaboutyou,baby.
JP:Also,IjustfoundoutKazoo,thepigeon,wasadoptedandIdidn’tknowhowtotellyou.IfeellikemaybeIplayedasmallpartinhimfindingagoodhome.Ihopetheytreathimwell.
JP:Iaskedforhisnewhomeaddressandthesheltertoldmethatinformationwasprivate.Understandable,butIreallyjustwantedtosendhimafewthings,youknow?I’mgoingtomisslookingathispictureonthewebsite.
JP:Anyway,justhadtotellyouthat.Missyou,babe.
***
JP:Ihaven’tseenanynewpodcastepisodes.Iwashopingtolistentoyourvoicethismorningonmyrun,soIjustreplayedanoldone.HaveIevertoldyouwhatagreathostyouare?You’rereallyfunny,youaskgreatquestions,andIcantrulyfeelhowpassionateyouareaboutromance.It’soneofthereasonswhyIreallylikeyou—yourloveforlove
JP:Ishouldn’tbetextingyou,Iknow,butIhadtotellyouthat.Okay,bye,baby
***
JP:Thatpoolfloatyouorderedformypool,thegiantpigeon,itcamein.Ilaughedforasolidtenminutes,blewitup,andit’swhereIamnow,floatingnakedonthepigeon.I’dsendyouapicture,butIshouldn’tevenbecontactingyou.Mademelaugh,andmadememissyoumore.Iwishyouwerefloatingonitwithme
JP:I’mhere,waitingforwhenyou’rereadytotalk.
***
JP:Fuck…Ijustmissyou,Kelsey.
JP:Imissyousofuckingmuch.
JP:Callmewhenyou’reready.
***
Thefrontdoortomyhouseopensandshuts,thesoundechoingthroughtheemptinessofmydarkhouse.
“Dude,Iknowyou’reinhere,”Breakersays.“Areyougoingtomakemefollowthescentofyourunwashedbody,orareyougoingtohelpaguyoutandatleastgroansoIknowwhereyouare?”
“Inhere,”IsaysomberlyfromwhereI’mspreadacrossthecouchinmylivingroom.
I’mnotpreparedfortheblastofungodlylightthatfillsthedarkroomwhenheflipsontheswitchtotheoverheadlights.
Icovermyeyeswithmyforearmandmutter,“Fuck…you.”
“JesusChrist,”Breakersaysfromtheentranceofthelivingroom.“Haveyoufuckingmovedfromthecouchinthelastweek?”
“Yes.”Irolloveronthecouchsomystomachispressedagainstthecushions.Iburymyheadintoathrowpillowandmutteragainstthefabric,“I’vegottenuptopee.”
“Shocking,Ithoughtyou’dhavepeedinoneofthemanybottlesof…whatisthis?”Fromthecornerofmyeye,Iseehimpickupanemptybottle.“Isthisrootbeer?”
“Allnatural,madewithcanesugar.”
“Isitgood?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“ButIpurchasedsixcasesofitsoI’vebeendrinkingthem.”
“Whythehellwouldyoubuythatmuch?”
“Wantedthefeelofclutchingabottle,butwithoutthealcohol.There’ssomethingso…poeticaboutclutchingabottlewhendealingwithheartache.”
Breakerstandsoverme,bottledanglingfromhisfingers.“Youknow,bro,Ithinkyou’vehitrockbottom.”
Iturnagain,nowlookinguptowardtheceiling.Ipinchmybrowandsay,“Thatwouldbeanaccuratedescription.”
“Haveyoumadeanydonationslately?Iknowthat’syourMOwhenyou’resad.”
Islowlyswallowandsay,“ThepigeonshelterI’vebeensupportingisnowrenamingitsbuildingtheJPCanePigeonRescue.TheJPCPR.Hasafuckinggreatringtoit.There’ssomepressgoingoutnextweekaboutit.TheyaskedifI’dshowupforthededicationofthenewname,anddoyouknowhowpatheticIam?”
“Tellme.”Breakertakesaseatonthecoffeetableinfrontofme.
“ItoldthemI’dbehonored,butonlyononecondition.”Isitup.“IaskedthatKazoobeinvitedsoIcouldmeethim.”
“Dude—”
“That’snottheworstofit.”Ilookmybrotherdeadintheeyesandsay,“IcommissionedsomeladyonEtsytomakematchingashirtandbowtieset,onethatwouldfitmeandonethatwouldfitapigeon…outofKazoofabric.”
“Ohfuck…JP.”
“Iknow.”Islowlynodmyhead.“Ifuckingknow.Rockbottom.Buttheonlythingthat’sgettingmetokeepmovingforwardistheideathatIcouldtakeapicturewithKazooinourmatchingshirts.Iactuallygiggledatonepointthinkingaboutit.”
“Giggled?”Breaker’seyeswiden.“Comeon,man.Weneedtogetyouup,showered,backtotheoffice,backtoaroutine.”
“Ipaidextraforarushfee.Ialsolookedintoclassesonhowtocommunicatewiththepigeons.Youcantrainthemtodelivermessages.IwasthinkingaboutwritingalovelettertoKelseyandhavingapigeondeliverittoher.Isn’tthatromantic?”
Breakerstaresblanklyatme.“No,man.No,it’snot.It’sfuckingcreepy.Yourealizepigeonsarebetterknownastheratofthesky?”
Ipopoffthecouchsofast,Breakerfallsbackonthecoffeetable.“Youknow,that’sexactlywhatanuneducatednitwitwouldsay.Didyouknowthatpigeonsareactuallyintelligentandcomplex?They’reoneoftheonlyanimalsontheplanettopassthemirrortest.Meaning,youstickamirrorinfrontofthemandtheyfuckingknowthey’relookingattheirreflection.Areratspassingthattest?No,they’rejustsittingthere,increepyholes,gnawingattheirnutsuntiltheycanfindsomethingbettertochewon.”
“Okay,sorryImentionedit.”
“Also,there’sverylittlescientificevidencethatpigeonscarrydiseases.Andcontrarytowhat’sblastedalloverthemedia,pigeonsarequitecleananimals.”
“I’mnotsurepigeonsarebeingblastedonthemedia.”
“Andyouknowwhat?”Handsonmyhips,irritationroaringthroughme,Isay,“Pigeonsmateforlife.Theymeettheironeandonly,andthey’reset.”MyvoicegrowsscratchyasIthinkaboutKelsey.“Theydon’tneedtosecond-guesstheirdecision.Theyjust…know.”
“JP,areyouokay?”
Isniff.“Theyunderstandthatthefeatheredbeautyinfrontofthemisforthemandthemalone.”Iwipeatmynose.“Theymate,theyhavetwochicks,andtheyspendtherestoftheiryears,featherinfeather,likehandinhand,flyingoffintothesunset.”
“Ithinkweneedtogetyououtofhere.”
Iswipeatmyeyes.“That’swhatIneedtodo.IneedtoaskKelseytobemypigeon.”Frantically,Ilookaroundformyphone.“Ineedtotexther.”
Breakergripsmyarm.“That’snotagoodidea.Shewon’tunderstand.”
“ThenI’llexplainittoher,”Isay,feelingmyexpressiongoslightlycrazy.“I’llsendheravideo,tellingherallaboutpigeonmatingrituals.”
“Dude,reallybadidea,especiallywiththewayyoulookrightnow.”
“I’llshowheravideo.Ifoundthisreallygreatoneabouthowpigeonscommunicate.Itmademethinkofher,especiallysinceoneofthepigeonsitfocusedonhadsomegoldfeathersonitsneck.ItremindedmeofKelsey’seyes.Inmyhead,InameditKelseyand—”
Thwap.
I’mknockedbackonthecouch,painricochetingthroughmyfaceasIstareupatBreaker,who’sshakingouthishand.IslowlyprocessthewarmspotonmycheekwhereIwasstruck.
“Youhitme,”Isay,statingtheobvious.
“I’mnotevensorry.Ithadtobedone.”Heletsoutadeepbreath.“Lookaroundyou.You’redrowningyourselfinsugarcanerootbeerthatIcanonlyassumetasteslikeafoot,you’reattemptingtotwinwithagoddamnpigeonyou’venevermet,andyou’renamingfictionalpigeonsKelsey.Thisisn’tjustrockbottom,thisiscrossingaline,andtohellifI’mgoingtositbackandwatch.Nowgetthefuckup,gotakeagoddamnshower,andgetyourshittogether,becausethere’snowayinhellKelseyisgoingtowanttotalktoaguywho’sattemptingtocrackthecodeonpigeoncommunicationsohecantellherhowmuchhelovesher.Newsflash—that’snotromantic.”
Iblinkafewtimes,andeventhoughI’vesettledintothecomfortofmyown—ifyouwill—nest,Irealizethathe’sright.WhoknowsifKelseywillcomeback,orwhen…butifshedoes,shecan’tfindmelikethis.Nofuckingway.
Iscrubmyhandovermyfaceandsay,“Fuck,I’membarrassed.”
“Youshouldbe.Fuck.Nowgogetclean.I’morderingdinner,andyou’regoingtoworktomorrow.”
“You’reright.”Istandagainandheadtowardthestairs.“You’reright,Ireallyneedtogetbacktowork,getbackintotheswingofthings.Whoknows,maybethiswasthewake-upcallIneeded.”
***
I.
Want.
To.
Die.
Thiswasahorribleidea.Reallyfuckinghorrible.
Imissthecomfortofmycouch.
Imissthedanktasteofthesugarcanerootbeer.
AndImissthesweetsoundofpigeonscooing.
Nothingseemsmoreappealingtomeatthismoment,butinstead,I’msittingataconferencetable,acrossfromKelsey—whogotafuckinghaircutandlookssexierthaneverwithhershoulder-lengthcurledhair—listeningtohergivemeanupdateontheAngelicaproject.
WhenIfoundoutIhadameetingwithher,Irushedoutofmyoffice,ranovertoBreaker’s,andsankdowntotheground,wrappingmyhandsandarmsaroundhisleg,tellinghimIwasn’tleavinghimaloneuntilheagreedtoattendthemeetingwithme.
Hewasonavideocall.
WithourteaminNewYork.
Hewaslessthanpleased.
Butitwasaquickyesfromhimsohecouldshakemeoffhisleg.
Butevenwithhimatmyside,Istillfeeltheairslowlyseepingfrommylungs,makingitincreasinglyhardertobreathewitheverysecondthatgoesby.
AndKelsey,shelookssocalm,collected,notanounceofawkwardnessfromher—andthat’sconcerning.
Veryfuckingconcerning.
Becausethatcanonlymeanonething:shedoesn’tcareanymore.Shedoesn’tcareaboutus.She’sgivenup.Ifshecared,she’dbestumblingoverhersentences,droppingherpapers,maybeevenmissayingsomewords.Youknow,like…uh…bananainsteadofbamboo.Thatmakeszerosense,butinthisfranticstate,Ican’tthinkofanythingthatwouldportraywhatI’mtryingtosay.Butyougetit,right?
AstheRighteousBrotherswouldsay…she’slostthatlovin’feelin’.
Fuck,Ishould’vesentthepigeonmessage.
“Ithinkthat’sallIhaveforyouguys.Doyouhaveanyquestions?”Kelseyasksasshetucksacurlbehindherear.
Yes.Ihaveafewquestions.
Whyhaven’tyoutextedme?
Haveyouthoughtaboutmeatall?
DoyoumissmelikeImissyou?
Haveyoureallylostthatlovin’feelin’?
“Uh,Ithinkwe’regood,”Breakersays.“Unless,JP,youhaveanything?”
Kelsey’seyeslandonmineasshepatientlywaits.
Doyouloveme?
Doyouwanttomoveinwithme?
Doyouwanttomarryme?
Doyouwanttobemypigeon?
Breakerkicksmeunderthetable,startlingmetoanswer.“Uh,no,nothing.Great,uh,greatworkonalltheprojectsandstuff.Reallylikedthe,uh,thestorage.”
Breakergroansnexttomeandthensays,“Keepusupdatedonthecostoftheengineeredhardwoodflooring.”
“Iwill.”Shesmiles.“Thanks.”Shegathersherthings,stands,andwalksoutoftheconferenceroom.Whenthedoorshuts,Icollapseonthetable.
“Shedoesn’tfuckingmissme.Coldasstone.Shedidn’tevenflinchwhensheheardmyvoice.”
Breakerissilentforamomentbeforesaying,“Yeah,Iactuallyexpectedhertobealittlemorenervous.Oratleastshowsomefeelings.”
“Right?”Iburymyheadinmyhands.“Fuck.It’sover,isn’tit?Ilosther.”
“Idon’tthinkyoulosther.Ijustthink…Ithinkshe’sshieldingherself.Andfrankly,you’reagoddamnmessrightnow.Maybeshe’snervoustoapproachyou.”
“I’mnervoustoapproachamirrorinfearofwhatImightsee,ofcourseshe’snotgoingtowanttocomenearme.”
“Thenfixit,man.Shelikedyoubecauseyou’recharismatic,charming,andagoodtime.Rightnow,you’rejustaballofanxietywho’soneloafofbreadawayfrombecomingapigeonman.Showherthemanshefellfor.Showherthemanshe’smeanttobewith.”
Meanttobe…
Iliftmyheadasanideaforms.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
Lookingconfused,hesays,“Showherthemanshe’smeanttobewith.”
IgripBreaker’sface,bringhimintomine,andkisshimrightonthelips.HeswatsmeawayandwipesathismouthasIsay,“You’resofuckingsmart.Whydidn’tIthinkofthat?”Iboltoutofmychairandliftmyfisttothesky.“I’mgettingherback…watchthis.”ChapterTwenty-Four
KELSEY
IchewonmynailasIlistentothephoneringthreetimesandthenhear,“Hey,sis.”
“I’msosorryI’mcallingyouonyourhoneymoon,butIreallyneedtotalktoyou.”
“Don’tapologize,Itoldyoutocallwheneveryouwant.Granted,Ididn’tthinkthatwasgoingtobeeveryday,butyouknowI’mhereforyou.”
“Iknow,I’msorry,but…Igotmyhaircutasyousaid.”
“Yes,Iknow,youshowedmeapicture.Youlikeit?”
“Ido.”Ipacemyoffice,knowingJPisjustaroundthecorner.“AndIfeelreallysexywiththeshortlook,andIputonthatnewlingerieyoumademebuy,andthegreendress.”
“Withthesleeves?”
“Yes.”
“So,you’refeelingbetter?Moreconfident?”
“Iwas…andIsworeIwasn’tgoingtocallyou,butthenJPshowedupatworkyesterday,andhelooked…God,Lottie,IfeellikeeverythingI’vebeenworkingonthispastweekvanishedthemomentIsawhim,andIwastakenrightbacktothatnight.AndthenIhadameetingwithhim.Thankfully,Breakerjoinedus.Iheldittogether,andI’mactuallyreallyproudofmyselfforactingprofessionallyduringtheentiremeeting.Butnowthatit’sover,mypalmsaresweating,andIfeelthisurgentneedtocry,butnotearsarefalling.”
“Seeinghimdidn’tmakeyoumisshimmore?”
“Ofcourseitdid.I’vemissedhimeveryminuteofeveryday.Andhistextmessageshavemadeitevenworse.IjustfeltsoembarrassedwhenIlookedhimintheeyes.”
“Icanunderstandthat.You’restillcarryingaroundtheburdenofwhathappenedthatnight.”
“Iam,butIcan’thelpbutwonderifI’mbeingridiculous.”
“Yourfeelingsarecompletelyvalid.Noonecandictateifyou’rebeingridiculousornot,becausethey’renotinyourhead.Theycan’tunderstandyouremotionslikeyoucan.Withthatbeingsaid,doyouthinkyou’rebeingridiculous?”
“Objectively,asanoutsiderlookingin,allIcanthinkaboutishowthere’sthisman,thiswonderfullylovingman,whowantsnothingmorethantobewithme.Beinginthemiddleofit,Iguess,Ijustfeeladebilitatingembarrassment,andIdon’tknowhowtocrossthatlinewithhimagain,youknow?”
“Doesthatmeanyouwanthimback?”
“I…”
Knock.Knock.
Iglanceupatthedoor,andthere,standinginthedoorway,handstuckedintohispockets,lookingmorehandsomethanever,isJP.
“Uh,Lottie,Ihavetogo.”
“OhGod,ishethere?”
“Yup.Talktoyoulater.”
Ihangupbeforeshecanrespond.Nervously,Isetmyphonedownandpushmyhairbehindmyear.Hedoesn’tstepintomyoffice,butratherleansagainstthedoorjamb,lookinglikeamodelfromGQ,withhishaircurlingoverhisforeheadandhisdarkscrufflininghisjaw.
“Hello,”Isay,unsureofwhatelsetosay.“Isthere,uh,somethingyouneed?”
“Hey,canIgetyouropinion?”
“Uh…sure,”Isay.Wehaven’ttalkedinoveraweek,buthewantsmyopiniononsomething,that’snotweirdatall.
“Thissuit,doyouthinkIcanpullitoff?”
Utterlyconfused,Itakeinthesimpleblacksuitwithamatchingblackbutton-upandcan’tseehowit’sdifferentfromanythingelsehe’sworn.Butgiventhathewantsmyopinion,Itakesomeextratimetoobservethewayhispantsclingtightlytohisthighs,showingoffhisstronglegs.I’vebeenbetweenthoselegs.I’veseenthemflexwhileIhavehispenisinmymouth.
Immediately,mycheeksflushfromthethought,soIdivertmyeyestohischest,tothelapel,andIconsiderthemanytimesI’vepushedhissuitjacketoffhisshoulders,andhowthatonetime,Iworenothingbuthissuitjacket.
Moreofaflush.
Okay,Ithinkthat’senough.
Whenmyeyesmeethisagain,asatisfiedsmileplaysonhislips.
“Uh,thesuitlooksgood.”Iswallow.“Youcanpullitoff.Doyou,uh,doyouhavesomesortofmeetingor”—gulp—“adate?”
“Nah.”Hepushesoffthedoorjamb.“Justwantedtoseeyoureyeseatmeupagain.”Hewinksandthentakesoffwithoutanotherword.
Wait…what?
Thatwasit?
That’sallhewanted?
That…that’ssomethingtheoldJPwould’vedone,theonewhousedtotellmemenandwomenwhoworktogethercan’tbefriends.
Whywouldhedothat?
Considermenowmoreconfusedthanever.
***
“MissGardner,pleasestaybacksoIcantalktoyou,”JPsays,sittingattheheadoftheconferencetable,handssteepledtogether.
Therestoftheconstructionteammakestheirwayoutoftheconferenceroom,andwhenthedoorshuts,heleansforwardandasks,“Caretoexplain?”Heliftsaknowingbrowatme.
“Uh…”Ilookaround.“Caretoexplainwhat?”
“Youreallydon’tknow?”
“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Ianswer,clutchingmynotepadtomychest.
“Itwasthirty-threetimes.”
What?
I’mnotsureIcanhandlethisrightnow.WhenIcameinthismorning,Iwasn’tpreparedforanothermeetingwithJP.Inhindsight,whatIreallywasn’tpreparedforwastobesodistractedbythesmellofhiscologne.Ievenforgotwhatweweretalkingaboutafewtimes.Iswear,itwasasifhesprayedmychair,andmychairalone,becauseitconsumedme.
“Whatwasthirty-threetimes?”Iaskhim.
“ThenumberoftimesIcaughtyoucheckingmeout.”Herisesfromhischairandbuttonshissuitjacket.“Now,I’mlettingyouoffthehookthistime,butnexttimeyouwanttospendanhour-longmeetingcheckingmeout,pleaseschedulesomethingonyourowntime.”
Ishekiddingmerightnow?Ididnotlookathimthatmanytimes.
“Ididnotlookatyouthatmuch.”
He’satmysidenow,thatcockinessfrontandcenter.“Asamatteroffact,youdid.”
Ididnot.Growingirritated,Isay,“Well…ifIdid,thatmeansyouwerelookingatmethirty-threetimes.”
“Ah,that’swhereyou’rewrong,MissGardner.Ididn’tlookatyouthirty-threetimes,Ilookedatyoufarmoretimes,fifty-fourtobeexact,almosteveryminute.”Hewetshislips.
“Okay,well…then,whydon’tyou,uh,makeanappointmenttostarenexttime?”Isayinashaky,notveryconfidentvoice.
“MaybeIwill.Haveagoodday.”
Heretreatsbacktohisoffice,hisheadburiedinhisphone.BythetimeIreachmyoffice,there’sacalendarrequestinmyinbox.WhenIopenitup,it’sfromJP.
INVITE:StaringmeetingwithJPCANE.10:00am-11:00am.
Bringnothing.
Wearnothing.
Mycheeksheatuponceagainasthesmallestofsmilespullsatthecornerofmylips.Ireplytotherequestwithoneclickonthedeclinebutton.
***
TO:KelseyGardner
FROM:JPCane
SUBJECT:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMissGardner,
Iseethatyou’vedeclinedmyinvitetostareateachotherforanhourforthefourthtime.Ican’tpossiblyseehowyourscheduleissotightthatyoucan’tacceptmyrequest.MayIaskwhyyoucontinuetorejectthisinvitationthatwasbornthroughyourveryownstaring?Pleaserespondinatimelymanner.
Thankyou,
JPCane
Smilinglikeanabsolutefool,Iconsiderdeletingtheemail,butthen…Iwonderhowfunitmightbetoactuallyrespondback.Thelastfewdayshavebeenunexpected.Somehow,JPhascreatedthisfeelingofwhatitusedtobelikebetweenus,andI’vehadonestarkandverylargerealization—I’vemissedthis.Us.AndeventhoughIfeelawkward…weird,Idon’tthinkIcanignorehim.So,Iwritehimback.
TO:JPCane
FROM:KelseyGardner
SUBJECT:RE:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMr.Cane,
YourrequesthasbeendeniedfourtimesbecauseIfailtoseehowstaringateachothercanofferanyproductivityorprogresstoCaneEnterprises.Ifyoucanprovidemewithadetailedlistastohowitmightbenefitthecompany,I’dbeapttoreconsider.
Thankyou,
Kelsey
***
TO:KelseyGardner
FROM:JPCane
SUBJECT:RE:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMissGardner,
Iappreciateyourloyaltytothecompanyandwantingtofurtherthesuccessofourmulti-billion-dollarenterprise.Astothebenefitaone-hourstaringcontestcouldprovidethecompany,I’dliketobringtoyourattentionthefollowingchartbelow.Pleaseemailifyouhaveanyquestions.
Staring->forcedproximity->makesbosshappy.
Thankyou,
JP
***
TO:JPCane
FROM:KelseyGardner
SUBJECT:RE:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMr.Cane,
I’mflatteredbyyourresponse,butImustremindyou,yourrequestispurelypersonal,andasIoncewastold,menandwomencan’tbefriendsintheworkplace,becauseoftheobviousattraction.I’mafraidyourrequestbordersoninappropriatebehavior,somethingIdon’tpartakein.Unfortunately,yourrequesthasbeenonceagaindenied.
Thankyou,
Kelsey
***
TO:KelseyGardner
FROM:JPCane
SUBJECT:RE:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMissGardner,
Yourdedicationtomaintainingasasuperiorrolemodelshouldbeapplauded.Perhapsweshouldofferyouaraise…orpossibly,youcangivemearaise…
(Wiggleseyebrows)
Yours,
Jonah
Isqueezemyeyesshutandinwardlysquealfromseeinghisnameatthebottomofhisemail.Hisnamethatheseemstoonlyusewithme.I’mremindedofthetimeIfoundoutwhathisrealnamewas,afteroneofouroutingsinSanFrancisco.Hewaswalkingawayfrommyroom,asmirkonhishandsomefaceashetoldme.Iremembertheexactfeelingthatwashedovermeatthatmoment,too,aconnectionmuchdeeperthansurfacelevel,aconnectionthatmademefeelasifIwasaspecialpartofhislife.
Thatfeelinghasbeenresurrected.Everyemailresponseisspreadingwarmththroughmyveins,andmyfeelingsofembarrassmentareslowlyslippingawayintonothing.
***
TO:JPCane
FROM:KelseyGardner
SUBJECT:RE:DeclinedInviteRequest
DearMr.Cane,
Youcouldn’tpossiblybealludingtoanerection,couldyou?Ican’tfathomyouare,beinghowinappropriatethatwouldbe.Isuggestyouconsiderverycarefullyyournextresponse.
Yours,
Kelsey
MystomachsomersaultsasIpresssend.It’sthefirsttimesincetheweddingthatI’veshownanyinklingthatIstillhavefeelingsforhim,thatI’mhopinghe’sstillwaitingforme.
It’sbeenadifficulttwoweeks,attemptingtosortthroughmyfeelings,missingJP,andtryingtorememberwhothehellIam.Tryingtoseemyworth.AttemptingtoconvincemyselfthatI’mbeautiful,I’mwanted,I’mneeded.AndJP,inhissmallway,hashelpedthatprogress.
Knock.Knock.
IglanceuptoseeJPonceagainstandinginmydoorway,sanshissuitcoat.Myeyesfalltohisbutton-upshirtandhowitstretchesacrosshisfirmchest.Hissleevesarerolleduptohiselbowsandhe’swearingthatclassicsmirkofhis,thesmirkthathasbeenstuckinmydreamsforthelastfewnights.
Sittingtall,Iask,“CanIhelpyou,Mr.Cane?”
Herubshishandstogether.“Youcan.Iwashopingtodiscusssomebusinesswithyou.”
“Wouldyouliketotakeaseat?”
Heshakeshishead.“No,thiswouldbebetterdiscussedoverdinner.”
Mybrowraises.“Isthisabusinessdinner?”
“Yes.”
Idon’tbelievehim,butIgowithitanyway.“Okay,shallIpencilyouinfornextweek?”
“Tonight.Myplace.Seveno’clock.”
“I’mafraidI’mnotcomfortablewithattendingabusinessmeetingatyourplaceofresidence.”
“Iunderstandyourconcern,butIcanassureyou,noonewillbethere,sothere’snoneedtobeuncomfortable,MissGardner.Youcanjustbeyourself.”Hestandstall.“Seeyoutonight.”
Withoutwaitingforaresponse,hewalksaway.
Unsureofwhattodo,IpickupmyphoneandtextLottie.
Kelsey:OhGod,heaskedmetodinner,athisplace.He’sexpectingmethere.WhatdoIdo?
Thankfully,sheanswers.Huxleyisgoingtomurdermewhenhegetshome,Icanfeelit.
Lottie:Whatdoyoumean,whatdoyoudo?Yougo!
Kelsey:Whatif…whatifhewantstogetbacktogether,orworse,whatifhedoesn’t?
Lottie:IftherearetwothingsIknowforcertaininmylife,it’sthatHuxleyCanewasmeanttobethemanofmylife…andJPCaneismeanttobeyours.Helovesyou,desperately.Taketheleap,theleapyou’vealwayswantedtotake.You’vetoldmeoverandoveragainthatloveisarollercoaster.You’reontherollercoaster,soenjoyit.
Kelsey:IthinkImightbeready,butI’mscared.
Lottie:Good,ifyouweren’tthenI’dbeconcerned.Youknow,there’ssomethingInevertoldyou,somethingIfeellikeyoushouldknow.Thatnight,whentheboyswerecoveringupthatemail,itwasn’tthewayJPwasportrayedinthearticlethatmadehimputupthemoneytoextractthearticle,itwaswhattheysaidaboutyou.
Kelsey:Whatdidtheysayaboutme?
Lottie:HuxleytoldmethearticlenotonlypaintedJPinahorriblelightwiththeborderlineharassmentemail,buttheysaidyouwereusingJPtogetaheadwithyourcompany.HuxleysaidJPlostit,andhesaidJPdideverythinginhispowertomakesureyourcompanywasn’tdraggedthroughthemudbecauseheunderstandshowhardyouworkedtogettowhereyouare.
Kelsey:Hedidthat?
Lottie:Yes,andoneofthemainreasonshewassooffthatnightwasbecausehewasfranticaboutwhatwasgoingtohappen.Hethoughthewasgoingtoloseyou.Helovesyou,sis.Don’tletonebadmomenteclipsethemagicyoutwoshare.Okay?Gotodinner.Letyourselflove.Ipromiseyouwon’tregretit.
***
Istandathisfrontdoor,nervouslywaitingforhimtoopenit.Iwasn’tsurewhattoweartodinnertonight.Iconsideredadressbutfeltthatwastooformal.Thenapantsuit,andknewthatwaswaytoo…business-y,soIsettledonablackpairofleatherleggingsandasimpleoff-the-shoulderredshirtandhighheels.Simple,butIalsohavetheconfidencetowalkthroughhisdoorandnotfeelself-conscious.
Afterwhatfeelslikeforever,thedooropensandJPappearsontheotherside,wearingapairofjeans,nosocks,andawhiteT-shirt.Hishairiswetandhelookslikehe’sfreshfromtheshower.
Hescansmeupanddown,ahungrylookinhiseyeswhentheylandonmyfaceagain.“MissGardner,”hesays,aslightcrackinhisvoice.“Gladyoucouldmakeit.”
Nervouslysmiling,Isay,“Ihadtomovesomethingsaround.GladIcouldmakeitwork.”
Hestepsaside,andIwalkintohisentryway,immediatelyfeelingasthoughI’mreturninghome.I’vehadsomanybeautifulmemorieswithinthesedarkwalls.Heshutsthedoorandgesturestowardhisbackyard.Theslidingglassdoorsarepartedandtheyardislitupinshadesofpurple.IfeelmybreathcatchasIapproach,theentirescenefamiliar,asifitwaspluckedstraightfromamovie
“Mr.Cane,”IsayasIcrossoverintothebackyard,takingitallin.Thepoollightsareashadeoflavender,thelightsoverheadareamellowshadeofgold,andthelightsalongthebaseofthepalmtreesareadarkerpurple.Onthetableisapitcherofwhatlookstobelemonadeandtwoglasses,whichmakesmesmile.Nexttoitis…ohGod,I’dknowthatcakeanywhere.Honeycake.“This,uh,thisdoesn’tfeelverybusiness-ytome.”
Hecomesuptome,pressinghishandtomylowerback,andheleansinandwhispers,“Good.”
Thenhetakesmyhand,leadsmeovertomychair,andsitsmedown.Hetakesaseatacrossfromme.Hesetshisphonebetweenus,andthenreachesforafilefoldernexttothecakeandslidesitinfrontofhim.
“Iappreciateyourearrangingyourscheduleandcomingtonight.WhatIneedtogooverwithyouishighlyclassified,soI’dappreciateyourdiscretion.”
Beyondconfused,Inod,eventhoughIhavenoideawhathehasplanned.“Ofcourse.”
Heflipsopenthefilefolderandsays,“I’mgoingtohandyouascript,andI’mgoingtoneedyoutoreaditwordforwordwhileIrecord.”
Whatonearthishedoing?
“Um…okay.”
Hemotionstothelemonade.“Doyouneedadrinktoclearyourthroatfirst?”
“No,I’mgood.”
Hetakesapaperoutofthefolderandsays,“Okay,it’simportantthatyoudon’treadahead.Canyouhandlethat?”
“Ican.”
“Good.Letmegetussetuphere.”Heunlockshisphone,goestotherecordingapp,andthenhitstherecordbuttonbeforehandingmeapieceofpaper.
MyeyesfalltothefirstsentenceandIquicklylookbackupathim.Thisconsuming,fantasy-filledfeelingflipsmyheartincircles.
“JP…”
“MissGardner,rememberwhatIsaid,readthescript,andnolookingahead.”Hethenwinksatme,andInearlycryrightthere.
Because…ohGod…
Clearingmythroat,Ireadwhat’swritten.“‘MeanttoBePodcast.JonahandKelsey.Welcome,listener,totheMeanttoBePodcast,wherewetalktomadly-in-lovecouplesaboutthewaytheymet.Jonah,thankyousomuchforjoiningmetoday.’”
“‘Thankyousomuchforhavingme.Hugefan.MyfavoriteepisodehadtobeJasonandDottie.’”
I’msmilingsohugely,Icanbarelyspeak.“‘Yeah,thatpotatosaladwaswhatmiraclesaremadeof.’”Ilaugh,awetsnortpoppingout.
“‘Ican’twaittogetmyowntub.’”
“‘Comingtostoresnearyousoon.Butthat’snotwhywe’rehere.We’reheretotalkabouttheloveofyourlife,Kelsey.’”Atearfallspastmycheek,andbeforeIcanwipeit,JPwhipsaboxoftissuesoutofnowhereandsetsitinfrontofme.Itakeoneanddabatmyeye.“‘Howdidyoutwomeet?’”
“‘Yousee,mybrotherHuxley,hegotourcompanyintoabitoftrouble.It’salongstory,butbecausehemadeapromisetothisgirlhestruckadealwith,wehadtositdownwithherandhersisterandlistentothempitchusabusinessproposition.Iwaskindofannoyed,youknow,becauseHuxleywasmakingdecisionswithoutus,sowhenwelinedupforthepitch,Ididn’texpectthissmoke-showofawomantowalkofftheelevator.Immediately,Ifeltsomethingchangeinme,somethingsodeep,soprofound,thatIcould’veswornapuzzlepiecethat’sbeenmissingmywholelifefinallyfounditshome.’”
Mylipquivers.“‘AreyoureferringtoKelsey?’”
“‘Iam.Unfortunately,hersisterruinedtheentiremeetingbut,thatwholetime,whileshewasmakingashowofit,IwatchedKelsey.Iwatchedherfaceturnredwithembarrassment,butIalsowatchedhowshekeptherselfcomposedeventhoughherhopesofbringingherbusinesstothenextlevelwerevanishingrightinfrontofher.TherewassomethingsorawaboutthatmomentthatI’veneverforgotten.AndIknewIhadtoseeheragain.’”
Iwipeatmyeyes.“‘So,itseemslikeyoudid.’”
“‘Yeah,theywereabletopitchagain,andherideawasabsolutelybrilliant.We’dhavebeenidiotsifwesaidno.Luckyforme,thenewbusinessfellundermymanagement,andthat’swhenIgottospendmoretimewithher.Itstartedoffasplayful,butthemoreIhungoutwithher,gottoknowher,themoreIknewthisgirlwasmeantforme.Theonlyproblem,though—IhadtoprovetoherthatIwasmeantforhertoo.’”
“‘How…howdidyoudothat?’”
“‘Triedtobeherfriend,eventhoughItoldherthatwasimpossible.Andwhenthemomentwasright,IplannedthisentirenightwhereI’dtellherhowmuchIwantedtobewithher.But,tomyhorror,shewasgoingoutwithsomeoneelsethatnight.’”
Myheartsinksjustthinkingaboutit.Myeyesfixateonthepaperinfrontofme.“‘Wow,whataharlot…’”Iglanceupathimandhechuckles.
“‘Nah,Ididn’tgivehersufficienthintsthatIwasinterestedintakingthingsfurther.Idon’tblameher,butIdidbegandpleadforhertonotleavewithhim.’”
“‘Didshe?’”Itiltmyhead,watchinghimasthelargestsmilespreadsacrosshisface.
“‘Shedidn’t.Shestayedwithme,andatthatmoment,whenshekissedmeforthefirsttime,Ifeltwholeagain.IfeltlikeallthestarsalignedandIwasexactlywhereIneededtobe,withthegirlofmydreams.Itwasn’teasy,andittooksomeconvincingonmyend,butwestartedasco-workers,thenenemies,thenfriends…andnow,I’mhopingwecancontinueasmorethanfriends,ifshe’llhaveme.’”
HesetshispaperdownandIsetminedowntoorightbeforehetakesmyhandinhis.“WhatI’mabouttosaytoyouisn’tamomentintimetosimplyrectifyourrelationship.It’sme,speakingfromtheheart,lettingyouknowhowIfeel,becauseIcan’tgoanotherdaywithoutyouknowing.”Hewetshislipsandsays,“Iloveyou,Kelsey.I’mprettysureI’velovedyoufromthemomentIwatchedyourfacefallduringthatfirstpitch.AndIknow,fortherestofmylife,Iwon’tstoplovingyou,ever,becauseyouweremeanttobewithme.Iknow,deepinmysoul,totheverymarrowofmybones,thatyou’remygirl,andI’llspendtherestofmylifeprovingthattoyou.”
Myhandsareshaking.Mylipswon’tstoptremblingasIleanforwardand,withmyfreehand,pressmypalmtohischeek,lookhimintheeyes,andsay,“Iloveyou,Jonah.I’msosorrythatittookmethislongtosayittoyou.”Irubmythumboverhischeek.“ButIdo,Iloveyousomuch,andIwantnothingmorethantospendtherestofmylifeshowingyoujusthowmuch.”
ThecornersofhismouthliftashegivesmethesexiestsmileI’veeverseen.“Christ.”Heblinksafewtimesashemovesevencloser.“Comehere.”Hepullsmeontohislap,andhisarmgoesaroundmywaistasIsettlemyhandsonhisshoulders.“Youloveme?”
Inod.“Ireallydo.I’veknownforawhile.I’vejustbeenscared.ThisfeelingIhaveforyou,it’ssopowerful,it’ssoreal,Iwasafraidthatmaybeyoudidn’treturnthefeeling.”
Hechuckles.“Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutthat.PrettysureIlovedyoubeforeyouevenconsideredlookingmyway.”Herestshisforeheadagainstmine.“Isittoosoontobegyoutomoveinwithme?”
Ilaughastearsfallfrommyeyes.“Howaboutwegoonadatefirst?”
“Okay,datefirst,thenyoumoveinwithme.”
“Datefirst,thebedroomnext,andthenwetalkaboutpossiblymovingin.”
Hesmirks.“Soundslikeaplan,baby.”
Heclosesthespacebetweenusandkissesme.Asearingkissthattearsthroughmefromthetipsofmytoestothetopofmyhead.Hiskissclaimsme,showingmethatnomatterwhathappens,nomatterwhatjourneywetake,I’mhis.He’smine.Andtogether,we’resomeanttobe.Epilogue
JP
“I’msonervous.WhatifIsaythewrongthing?”IaskKelseyasmylegbouncesupanddowninthebackofthecarwhilewewaittobecalledupon.
“Idon’tthinkyoucansaythewrongthinginthismoment.”Shebrushesmyhairtotheside.“Ithinkyoushouldjustspeakwithyourheart.”
Irubmysweatypalmsonmyleg.“That’swhatI’mafraidof.IfIspeakwithmyheart,Imightsoundcrazy.”
Kelseygivesmeagentleonce-overandlightlysmiles.“JP,honey,Ithinkyou’vealreadyreachedthelimitofcrazy.”
Iglancedownatmycustom-madepigeonshirtandthenbackatmygirl.“IaskedyouifIlookednice,andyousaidyes.”
“Youdo,youlookverynice.Stopbeingnervousandgooutthereandmeetthebirdthatstarteditall.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“You’reright.You’retotallyright.Ineedtojustbemyself.”
“He’llloveyou.”
“Youthinkso?”Iask,hopespringinginmychest.
“It’shardnottoloveyou.”Sheleansforwardandkissesmeonthelips,softandsweet,helpingmerelaxbeforethedoorisopenedonmyside.
“Mr.Cane,”ourdriversays.“They’rereadyforyou.”
“Fuck.Okay.God,don’tpuke,JP,don’tpuke,”Isaytomyselfbeforesteppingoutofthecar.IturnaroundandofferKelseymyhand,helpingheroutaswell.
Eversinceournightinmybackyard,we’vebeeninseparable.Thatnight,wedancedunderthestars,holdingeachothertheentiretime.Evenwhenweatecake,shesatonmylap,neverwantingtobetoofaraway.Andthen,whenweturnedoffthelights,Itookheruptomyroomwherewemadelove.ItwasthebestsexI’veeverhad,filledwithemotion,andwiththeknowledgethatthiswasthestartofanewchapterforus.
Itookheronthatdatesheaskedfor.WewenttooneofherfavoritepizzaplacesinLA,anditwasnotgreat.Shesaidsheusedtogothereallthetimewhenshewasyoung.Itoldherweweren’tgoinganywhereshewenttowhenshewasyoung…again.WhenIdroveherbacktoherplace,Istayedthenightandaskedhertomovein.
Ittookabouttwentymoredatesuntilshefinallysaidyestomyquestion,aquestionIaskedeverynight.Andeverytime,shesaidmaybe,nevergivingmeastraightansweruntilafewweeksago.Shemovedinlastweekend,andIcanhonestlysay,it’sthebestfeelingintheworld.NowIjusthavetoplanwhenI’mgoingtopropose,becauseit’sgoingtohappen.I’mnotlettinghergo.
WithmyhandinKelsey’s,wewalkaroundtoatented-offarea,whereTammy,thewomaninchargeofthepigeonrescue,greetsus.
“Mr.andMrs.Cane,I’msogladyoucouldmakeit.”
Idon’tbothercorrectingher,becauseIreallylikethesoundofit.“Thankyouforhavingmeandthewifey.”IsqueezeKelsey’shandandcanpracticallyfeelhereyeroll.“Is,uh…isKazoohere?”
“Heis.Hegotthebowtieyousent,andIjusthavetosay,helookssoadorable.Ifyou’rereadytomeethim,he’sjustinthistent,andthenwecandotheribbon-cuttingceremony.”
“Thatworksforme,”Isay,alreadyfeelinghowsweatymyhandisgettingagainstKelsey’spalm.
“Rightthisway,”Tammysays,partingthetentdoor.
Wewalkin,andittakesmyeyesasecondtoadjust,butoncetheydo,theyspotalittlefellaonaperch,wearingabowtiethatmatchesthefabricofmyshirt.
“Ohfuck,”IwhispertoKelsey.“Imightcry.”
Shechucklesandwhispersback,“I’mnotsureIcouldloveyoumorethaninthismoment.”
IgiveheraquickpeckonhercheekandthenwalkuptoKazoo,makingsuretowalkslowlytonotscarehim.Hislittleheadflitsbackandforth,lookingasconfusedasever.Buthisbulgyeyesandhisbowtie,theyjustaboutbreakme.
“Hi,Kazoo.”
Helookstotheright,helookstotheleft,andthenheliftsonefoot.
Igripmychestandsay,“Ohhell,IthinkIjustmetthesecondloveofmylife.”WhenIlookbackatKelsey,she’srecordingthewholething,ahugesmileonherface.
IsaiditonceandI’llsayitagain—thisiswhereI’msupposedtobe.WithKelsey,celebratingthesmall,yetweird,thingslikeapigeonwhocapturedmyattentionmonthsago.
WhatoncewasHuxley’smistake,hasnowturnedintoawinforme,becauseifHuxleynevermettheloveofhislife,thenIneverwould’vemetmine.
Thegirlwhowantednothingtodowithmeatfirst.
Thenslowlywantedtobemyfriend.
Andthen,inthebestwaypossible,chosemeforwhoIam.
ShechoseJonah.
***
NeedmoreJPandKelsey?ClickHEREtoreadtheirextendedepilogue.
Readyforthenextbook?Well,Ineedtoprepyou,first.ComingthisNovember,you’renotonlygoingtorevisitJP,HuxleyandBreaker,butanewcharacteriscomingintoplay.AcharacterfromTHEPERFECTCATCH.Wanttofigureoutwhoitmightbe,keepscrollingtocheckouttheexcerptforTHEPERFECTCATCH
Wantmorefromthesecharactersnow?BesuretoreadHuxleyandLottie’sstory,ANotSoMeetCute
BesuretoreadthefullstoriesfromKelsey’sMeanttoBePodcast:
AlecandLuna–TheWeddingGame
KnoxandEmory–TheLockerRoom
PaceyandWinnie–KissandDon’tTell
RathandCharlee–BossManBridegroom
RowanandBonnie–TheHighlandFling
ArloandGreer–SeeMeAfterClass
HuxleyandLottie–ANotSoMeetCute
GriffinandRen–ThatSecondChance
SawyerandFallon–RunawayGroomsman
JasonandDottie–TheLineup
YoucanalsoreadthefullstoryoftheGoinginBlinddatingapp–ThreeBlindDates
ReadallofMeghan’sbooksinKindleUnlimited.Excerpt–ThePerfectCatch
Prologue
WALKER
Haveyoueverhadthefeelingwhenyouwalkintoaroom,youjustknoweveryonehatesyou?
Youcanfeeltheanimosity.
Thedistaste.
Theunfilterednegativeenergydirectedatyou,wishing—hoping—you’djustdisappearintonothingrightthereonthespot?
Tryhavingthatfeelingwhenyou’rewalkingintothebatter’sboxinastadiumwithtensofthousandsofpeoplewhoactuallyhateyou.
Whowearshirtsdisplayingtheirangertowardyou.
Whowavesignsfromthestands,screamingoutwhyyousuckandshouldn’tbeplayingtheonesportyou’veplayedyourentirelife.
Itdoesn’tfeelgreat.
Andyet,Ihaven’tbeenabletomusterupanounceofcare,whichhasonlymademattersworse.
Themosthatedplayerinbaseball—that’swhattheycallme.
Myattitudeisshit.
My“bedsidemanner”isatrocious.
Myinterviewsarelacklusteratbest.
Myrelationshipswiththecoachingstaffandmyteammatesaremercurial.
Andrecently,thisyear,mystatsareafuckingdumpsterfire.
WhyamIsomoody?
IcanwasteaweekofyourtimeunravelingthatPandora’sbox,butoneofthemainreasonsisIhavetoplaybaseballwiththeonepersonIthoughtI’dneverhavetoplaywithagain:PennCutler.
TheAll-Americanheartthrob—themedia’swords,notmine.Ithinkthedudeisagiantdouche.I’vethoughtthateversinceweweresmall.Wegrewupinthesametown.Weplayedonthesameteams—littleleagueallthewaythroughhighschool.We’veworkedmagiconthefield,Pennbeingthepitcher,mebeingthecatcher.We’vewontitleaftertitletogether,andyet,wehateeachother.
Hell,hateisn’tevenastrongenoughword.
Abhor.
Seniorsinhighschool,I’dthoughtthatwouldbethelasttimeIhadtodealwithhissmugface.HewasofftoCaliforniatopitch,andIwasheadedtoFloridatocatch.TheeraofPennandWalkercametoaclose,andIwasthefirstonetothrowsomegoddamnconfettiintheairwhenithappened.
Butyoushouldnevercelebratetooearly.BeforeIknewit,wewerebothintheminors,thenthemajors,floatingbetweenteamsuntiltheBobbiespennedusboth:sameyear,sameteam.
Lifewasfuckingover.
Themediaateupthereunion,andPenn,beingthecamerawhorethatheis,playeditupfortheflashinglightsandthelivemics.Armdrapedovermyshoulder,offeringtothefanswhatkindofpresencethedynamicduocouldbring.Andwedid.Wehave.We’vedominated.
ButasPenn’sstardomrose,mineclunkedandclambereddown.
Iacceptedit.Thelimelighthasneverbeenmything.
Iprefertobeahermit.Iprefertokeepmydistance.Iprefertodomydamnjobandthengohome.Idon’tneedanyoftheextrafanfarethatcomeswithbeingaprofessionalbaseballplayer.
Apparently,that’snotgoodenoughthough,becauserumorsarebeingtossedaround.
Forcedretirement.
Thefrontofficewantsmetradedorwantsmeout.
AndI’mnotready.
Theonlywaytogetthemoffmyback?
Clearupmyimage.Youcanimaginethemonumentalfeatthatwouldtake,givenhoweveryoneIinteractwithdespisesme.ButItookithead-onbecauseI’mdesperatetoplay,desperatetostayinChicago.
Andhowhardcoulditbe?
Famouslastwords,right?EspeciallywhentheBobbiesdecidetosetmeupwiththeirnewestPRnightmarefixer.
Toher,Penn’stheabsolutegoldenboy—beyondreproach,charming,brilliant,and,ofcourse,charismatic.
Toher,I’mtheabsoluteleech—beyondredemption,reprehensible,unpleasant,depraved,and,ofcourse,demoralizing.
Thisgirl’scompassionate,beautiful,hasaheartofgold,andiseverythingI’mnot,andshehasmebythegoddamnballs.I’venevermetanyonelikeher.I’veneverwantedawomanasmuchasIwanther.
Ofcourse,there’sthenofraternizingwiththeplayersrule.Becausewhat’sastorywithoutafuckingHRnightmarereadytounfold?
Butoddlyenough,that’snottheworstpart.No,theworstpartishowsheseesPennandhowsheseesme.AndIhavenocluehowtochangethatorhowtochangeme.
Basically,I’mscrewed.
ChapterOne
WALKER
“Strikethree.”
“Fuck,”Iscream,loudenoughfornotonlybothdugoutstohear,butformyboomingvoicetobounceofftheeardrumsofthefirsttwentyrowsinthestadium.Iswingmypowerfulbodyaroundtotheumpire,who’stakingoffhismaskandresettinghisclicker.“You’vegottobefuckingkiddingme,”Ispew.“Thatpitchwasatleastafootofftheplate.WherewasthatcallwhenIwasstandinginfrontofyou,protectingyoufromninety-fivemile-per-hourfastballs?”
Notevenlookingmeintheeye,JoeVerity,oneofmanyumpiresI’vecometoknowwellduringmyyearsbehindtheplatesays,“Walkaway,Rockwell,beforeIchuckyourassoutofhere.”
“Goahead,thegame’sfuckingover.”
Browlifted,hemakeseyecontact.“Don’tthinkIwon’tgetyoususpendedforthenextfewgames.Watchyourself,Rockwell,Iknowyou’reonthinicealready.”
Grippingmybatinbothhands,IstepovertheplateandmumbleovermyshoulderasIwalktowardthedugout.“Fuck.You.”
“Rockwell…”
Iignorethewarningtoneinhisvoiceandmakethewalkofshamebacktothedugout.Iglanceovermyshoulderatthescoreboard.
Sixtofive.
Final.
Iwentzeroforfourwithtwostrikeouts,onepop-up,andagoddamngroundouttothepitcher,agroundermygrandmothercould’vefielded.Ihaven’tbeeninaslumpthisbadsincemyfirstseasonintheminors.
Fansstarttoclearthestands,disappointmentontheirfaces,acceptinganotherlossforourbarelyfivehundredseason.We’restillintherunningfortheplayoffs,thankyoulongbaseballseasonandotherteamsslumping,butforateamwiththepotentialtowintheWorldSeries,thisisapatheticshowing,anditstartswithmenotbeingabletoputwoodtotheball.
Ijogdownthestepsofthedugout,bypassingmyteammates,whoarecollectingtheirglovesandfleeingtothelockerroom.Theycansensewhat’sgoingtohappennext—destruction.
Theycanseeitinmyface.
Anditwouldn’tbethefirsttime.
Icanfeelitinmytenseshouldersasmyvisiontunnelstoblack,rageseepsfromeverypore,andthebatinmyhandturnsintoaweapon,notameanstowinagame.
Headingtothefarcornerofthedugout,Iraisemybat,letoutanotherswearwordthatwouldscaretheJesusoutofallbelievers,andsmashitonthebluewatercooler.
Thefirstconnectionofmybattotheplasticvibratesthroughmywristsallthewayupmyforearms.Fuck,thatstings.Butthenexttwohitseasesomeofthepent-uptensioninmyshoulders.Thefewafterthatmakemefeelaliveforthefirsttimeallday.
Itisn’tuntilthewatercoolerhaslostallofitscontentsandkeelsover,wrappedaroundmybat,thatIfeelsatisfied.Andthat’swhenItakeadeepbreathandturnaroundtonotonlyfindmymanagerstaringatme,handsstuffedinhispocketswithadisapprovinglookonhisface,butIalsofindeverycameraonthefieldpointedatme.
Fuck.
***
“Ilikedthewaterjug,”Ryot,ourthirdbaseman,saysfromnexttome.“Why’dyoudoit,man?”
“Shutthefuckup,”Imumblewhileleaningforwardinmychair,towelwrappedaroundmywaist,andadeathmarchtomymanager’sofficehangingovermyhead.
Afterapleasantwalkwhilecamerasflashedatmethroughthedugout,CoachmetmeinthehallwayandtoldmeIwasn’ttoleavethisstadiumuntilIstoppedinhisofficeforwhatIcanonlythinkwillbemythirdverballashingofthemonth.
Stillcaughtuponthewatercooler,Ryotwhisperswhileglancingaroundforlisteners,“Whenyouwereintheshower,theywheeledthepoorfellathroughthelockerroomonagurneywithatoweldrapedoverhislimpbody.”
RyotBisley,thirdbasefortheBobbies,anarrogantyethilariousprick,ismybestfriend—myonlyfriend.Normally,hecanmakemelaugh,lightenthemood,butnotrightnow.
Nottoday.
Istandfrommychair,whipoffmytowel,andputonapairofboxerbriefs,mymusclesachingwitheveryjaggedmoveImake.Witheachpassingyear,thisjobgetsharderandharder.Despitemyyoungageofthirty-three,Icanalreadyfeeltheacheineveryoneofmybonesfromsquattingforaliving.
Sensingmyfrustration,Ryotbendsovertotieoneofhisshoesandsays,“Itwasabadgame.Shakeitoff.”
“It’sbeenfourbadgamesinarow,”IanswerthroughgrittedteethasIyankmyjeansupmylegsandsitbackinmychairagain,facingawayfromtherestoftheteam.
“Thelossisn’tjustonyou.Noneofushadourbatstonight.”
“Therestoftheteamisn’tfacingtradeandforcedretirementrumorslikeIam.”
TheAll-Starbreakiscomingupanddespiteitbeingaweekwherethosewhoweren’tchosenfortheAll-Stargamegettotakeabreather,it’salsooneofthemosthectictimesforthefrontoffice,tryingtomakethoselast-minutetradestostackyourteamfortheend-of-the-seasonruntotheWorldSeries.
Mynamehasbeentossedaround,speculationthatIcouldbepossiblysenttoOaklandorPhoenix,bothteamsIwouldrathernottouchwithaten-footpole.
NotwhenmyhomeisinChicago.
NotwhentheonlythingIcareaboutishere.
“Soyouthinkbeatingthefuckoutofawaterjugisgoingtograceyouwithashiningimage?”
“No.”Igrindmyteethtogetherwhiletheurgetopunchthewoodofmylockerpulsesthroughme,butIholdback.“Should’vejustbrokenmybatovermykneeinstead.”
“Youperformedthattricklastweek.Youcan’tkeepshowingoff,”Ryotsayswithblatantsarcasm.
ThesmallestofsmirkspassesovermylipsbeforeIquicklywipeitaway.ThelookonRyot’sfacewhenIbrokemybatovermyquadisstillengrainedinmyhead.Horrorandrespectcrossedhiseyesatthesametime.
Unfortunately,Istillhaveabruiseonmylegtoshowformylossoftemper.
“Ineedmoretimeinthecages.Meetmeattentomorrow?”
“Youdon’tneedtimeinthecages.Youneedtogetlaid.”
IrollmyeyesandpullmyBobbiesT-shirtovermyhead.“Sexcan’tfixeverything.”
“Itsureashellcanloosenyouup.Yourshouldersweresotenseattheplate,Isweartheystartedtoeatupyourbat.”
“I’mfine.”
“Whenwasthelasttimeyouactuallyfuckedsomeone?”
Iscratchthesideofmyjaw,mynailsscrapingovermyroughfiveo’clockshadow.“Don’tknow.”
“Fuck,dude,ifyoudon’tknow,that’saproblem.YouandIbothknowinanadrenaline-lacedjoblikeoursweneedtoworkitoffinthebedroom.Don’tyouhaveafuckbuddy?Someoneyoucancall?Youneedtocome,man,andnotinyourhand,becauseifyoushowuptomorrowwithyourshouldersstilltouchingyourearsagain,I’mgoingtoblowyoumyself.”
JesusChrist.
IgnoringRyot,Istuffmywalletandkeysinmypockets,snagmyphone,andheadtomymanager’soffice,whereIknockonthecloseddoor.
Idon’tneedtofuck.Ineed…hell,Idon’tknowwhatIneed.
RalphHopkinsisoneofthetoughestmanagersintheleague—fair,buttough—andfromthedisapprovinglookhegavemeinthedugout,Iknowthisconversationisgoingtobeanythingbutpretty.
“Comein.”
Ipushthroughthedoorandtakeaseatinthechairacrossfromhim,knowingtheroutinebynow.
Buttomysurprise,whenIsitdown,InoticeI’mnotalone.Nope,thebeat-upwaterjugis“sitting”inthechairnexttome.Asickfeelingbuildsinthepitofmystomach.I’mnotgoingtolikewhateverthismeetingisabout.
Stillinhisuniform,Ralphsitsbackinhischair,handsfoldedoverhisstomach,andglaresatme.
Glares.
Notfuckinghappyatall.
Staringmedownwithhisclassicunhappyeyes,hesays,“Youactedlikeachildouttheretoday.”
Iactedlikeanangryballplayerwho’sdesperatetogetoutofhisrut,buthedoesn’tseeitthatway.Neverhas.
ThethingabouttheBobbiesisthey’rethemostclean-cutdo-goodersintheleague.Theypridethemselvesonadmirablemorality,respectonandoffthefield,andlovingthegame.There’snofighting,there’snolongbeards,there’snogoddamnpersonalityallowedtobeshownonthefield.We’remachines.Weplaythegameasit’ssupposedtobeplayed,andwedon’tshowemotiononthefieldasit’sasignofweakness.We’rethecompleteoppositeofourrivalteamhereinChicago,theRebels;ourmanagerenforcesit.
PlayingfortheBobbieshasbeeneverythingIwanted,despitealltherulesandregulationswehavetoface,becauseit’skeptmeclosetowhereIneedtobe.Mytemperhashinderedme,somethingIhaven’tbeenabletogetaholdofsincemyrookieseason.AndRalphHopkinsisonetempertantrumawayfromnotdealingwithitanymore.
“You’vebeenzeroforsixteenoverthelastfewgameswithnothingtoproveforyourtalentbesidesbeingoneofthebestcatchersintheleague.Thatgloveandarmofyoursistheonlyreasonyou’renotsittingoutrightnow.Ican’taffordtohaveTonybehindtheplate,notwhenhecan’tthrowhisowngrandmaoutatsecond.”Ralphdragsafrustratedhandoverhisface.“Andthenyougoandpullthatshit.”Hegesturestothedilapidatedcooler.“Witheverymediaoutletpointingtheircameraatyou.”Hischairsqueaksasheleansforward,plantinghishandsonthedesk.“I’malreadystrugglingwithyourimageandshitattitude.HowthefuckamIsupposedtodealwiththatstuntyoupulledafterthegame?Sityouout?WhenIneedyoutobebehindtheplate?Youdon’tfuckingthink,Rockwell.”
“Itwon’thappenagain,”Ianswersimply,knowingit’sapromiseIcan’tkeep.
“That’swhatyousaidafteryoubrokethebatoveryourknee.”See?
“Ididn’tbreakabatthistime,Ibrokeawaterjug.”
Coach’seyesnarrow.“I’mtalkingaboutyourattitude,Rockwell.It’sshit.AndI’mfedupwithit.Ifthisrosterwasuptome,yourasswouldbeoutofourred-and-bluejersey,warmingthewoodsomewhereelse.”
Idon’tknowwhattosaytothat,soIstaysilent.Ralphhasneverlikedme…ever.Andfrankly,thefeelingismutual.Weclash.He’sstrait-laced,I’mcrooked.He’ssmoothwithhisdeliverytothemedia,I’mbent,broken,constantlypiecingmyselftogethertorepresentsomethingI’mnot.
Heshakeshisheadandblowsoutafrustratedbreath.Lookingofftotheside,hestudiesapictureonthewallforafewbreathsbeforesaying,“Beheretomorrowmorningatninewithanapologyreadytobeissued.”
“Anapology?”Mybrowknitstogether.“Youwantmetoapologizetothepress?”
“No,”hedeadpans.“Iwantyoutoapologizetothegoddamnwaterjug.”Igivehimaconfusedlook,thinkinghe’sjoking,butthenhesays,“YouthinkI’mkidding?I’mnot.We’redoingdamagecontrol,whichmeansourmediateamwillhavethecoolersetupinthedugoutwhereyou’llmakeanofficialapologyandthanktheinanimateobjectforitslongservicewiththeBobbies.It’saPRstuntthatwillshowalightersideofyou.Believeitornot,you’renotafanfavoriteandit’sbecauseyouhavetheattitudeofaRebel,notaBobbie.”
NotthefirsttimeI’veheardthat.
“Youwantmetoapologizeoncameratoawaterjug?”Iask,tryingtounderstandifI’mhearinghimcorrectly.
“Yes.”Heleansforwardevenmoreandadds,“Andyou’llwearagoddamnsmilewhiledoingitorIwillbenchyourass,puttingaplayoffruninjeopardyfortheentireteam.”
Fuck.He’sserious.
Hereallywantsmetoapologizetoafuckingwatercontainer.
“Don’tbelate.Nowgetoutofmyoffice.”
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So Not Meant To Be

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