Thank You for Sharing

BeginReading
TableofContents
AbouttheAuthor
CopyrightPage
Thankyouforbuyingthis
St.Martin’sPublishingGroupebook.
Toreceivespecialoffers,bonuscontent,
andinfoonnewreleasesandothergreatreads,
signupforournewsletters.
Orvisitusonlineat
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
Foremailupdatesontheauthor,clickhereTheauthorandpublisherhaveprovidedthise-booktoyouforyourpersonaluseonly.Youmaynotmakethise-bookpubliclyavailableinanyway.Copyrightinfringementisagainstthelaw.Ifyoubelievethecopyofthise-bookyouarereadinginfringesontheauthor’scopyright,pleasenotifythepublisherat:us.macmillanusa.com/piracyToPatrick.Iloveyousobig.SomeofthethematiccontentinThankYouforSharingcontainsdiscussionsofsexualassaultandthedeathofaparent;neithereventoccursonthepage.Formoreinformation,pleasevisittheauthor’swebsiteCHAPTER1
“COHEN-JACKSON,huh?That’squitetheoddcombo.”
WhenLiyahlooksup,herairplaneseatmateisglancingatherfullnameinscriptonthecoverofherplannerbeforemakingeyecontact.There’sasmallsmileplayingathislips,asifhefindshersurnameamusing.Thisreactionisnotnewtoher,butsheissimplyNotInTheMood.
Liyahnearlymissedherflightthismorning.Shemanagedtoleavefortheairportwithinareasonableamountoftime,animpressivefeatforsomeoneraisedattheintersectionoftheJewishStandardandColoredPeopletimezones,butthefoghadotherplans.Karl(NeeninformedherthatthefoginSanFranciscohasaname)usuallyburnsoffaroundmid-morningbutwasthickerandslowertodissipatetoday.Soshe,Neen,andRingoStarr(herbestfriend’sbelovedVWBeetleconvertiblealsohasaname)foundthemselvestrappedbehindaseven-carpileup,Neenanxiouslystickingtheirheadoutthewindoweveryforty-fivesecondstoassessthenonexistentmovementoftraffic.
Atthedepartures’lane,NeensparedLiyahtheirusualtearygoodbyespeech.Instead,theywordlesslyofferedLiyahtheirrightear,whichshemethalfway,bumpingtogetherthematchingstarstudsintheirearlobes.Suchhadbeenthepair’ssecrethandshakesinceadrunkeneveninginAlienPiercing&Tattoonearlysevenyearsprior.Liyahwoundupsprintingtohergateand,sufficeittosay,sheskippedoutonthebagelshe’dplannedtopurchasebeforeboarding
She’dheavedasighofrelief(shewasnotoutofbreath;herbodyjusthatedrunning)whenshearrivedatherassignedseatandfoundthatherneighborwassomeoneherage.Withherluck,she’dpicturedashriekingtoddleror,Godforbid,achattyoldman.Shethoughthispresencemeantafewhoursofpeaceassheattemptedtosubsistoffafreebagofpretzelmixandgingerale.
Apparently,shethoughtwrong.
Shegiveshimalonglook,eyesskatingoverhishighcheekbones,theslightbendinthebridgeofhisnose,burnthoney-coloredalmondeyes.He’swhiteandEastAsian.Korean,sheguesses,beforementallykickingherselfforplayingethnicitydetective.Sherealizeshe’sjustdonethesametoher,andmentallykicksherselfyetagainforfeelingguilty.Hermetaphoricalshinsarestartingtobruise.
Whereishefrom?Someplacethatwouldgivehimenoughculturalliteracytospotatruthinherlastname(CohenbeingdecidedlyJewish,Jacksonbeingdecidedlynot)butnotenoughtoremainunfazedortoknowheshouldstiflehisshock.Or,attheveryleast,nottosaysomethingtotheeffectof,“You’requiteobviouslyBlackandapparentlyJewish?Howstrange!”NevermindthatamanhisagehasprobablycommittedthebulkofDrake’sdiscographytomemory.
Shechecksherwatch.They’renotduetolandatO’Hareforanotherhourandfifteenminutes.MaybehegrewupintheBayArea.MaybehewenttoahighschoolthatwasmajorityEastAsianwherenobodysaidadamnthingabouthisnameorhisparentsorsomuchaslookedathimsideways.Apangofjealousyaccompaniesthethought.Regardless,heofallpeopleshouldknowbetter.
“Whatanoriginalcomment,”Liyahstarts,voicesaccharine.Shepointedlylooksdownattheredwoodtreestickeronhislaptopbeforemeetinghiseyes.“Stanfordmustbeproudtohavesuchanobservantalumnus.”
Theman’ssmileabruptlyfalls,andhemakesawavingmotionwithhishandsasiftoerasehiswordsasheopenshismouth.Liyah,stillNotInTheMood,declineshisattempttobacktrack.
Shepursesherlips.“Tellme,then,whatistherightwaytobebiracial?You’renormal,buteverybodyelseisatotalfreak?”Helooksdownathishands,stunned.Liyah’slipsstretchintoasmugsmile,pleasedthatshe’shithermark.
“That’snot—”Hesighsstronglyenoughtosagbothshoulders,apparentlythinkingbetterofwhathewasabouttosay.“I’msorry,”hemutters,cheeksdeeplyflushed.
Liyahnodscurtlyandslipsherplannerbackintohertotebag.Shecannolongerrememberwhyshewithdrewitinthefirstplace.Sheturnsawayfromhim,thewarmthofherangercreepingupherneck.Astheminutespass,herheartbeatslows,andheroutburstsettlesaroundthem.Theangershiftstowardshame.Shepullsuptheshadeatthewindowandlooksout.Theplaneissuspendedinasoupoffog,thickandwhite,alldepthanddimensionindiscernible.Shecloseshereyesandimaginesherselffloatingoutthere,disembodiedfromhergrumblingstomach.
Thisissolikeher.Boredoutofhergoddamnmind(yetsomehowstillincomprehensiblybusy)atwork,shespentthelastthreeweekscountingdownthesecondsuntilshecouldleaveforFourthofJulyweekend.Sheisn’tevenofftheflighthome,andshe’salreadymiserableagain.Mustbeanewrecord.
Maybesheshouldsaysomething.Notbecauseshe’sinthewrong(sheisn’t,althoughhergeneralgrumpinesshasn’thelped)butbecausethediscomfortintheairisborderingonsuffocating.Sheventureshergazeovertohim.HisfocusisburiedinaGQmagazine,agentlecreaseformedathisbrow.Hisjaw(sharp,freshlyshaven)clenchesandreleasesasheturnsthepage.ThemovementcausesLiyah’seyestotraildownhisarmstowardhishands.Shespiesabitofinkpeekingoutfromunderhisrolledsleeves.Hisfingersarelongandsturdy,thelittlestoneonhislefthandadornedwithasilverring.
Sheavertshereyesbeforehecatchesherstaring.He’sundeniablygood-looking.Ifonlyhe’dwaiteduntiltheyweredeplaningtomakeanasininecomment,shemight’vebeenabletospendthisfinalhourofherprisonsentenceappreciatingthewayhistongueswipesoverhisbottomlipashereadsinsteadofcontemplatingmakinguseofoneofthefouremergencyexits.
Maybesheshouldnap.Thecoffeeandgingeralesloshinginherstomachdisagree.Atthispoint,she’snotsurewhetherherneedforfoodorfreshairwillwinoutuponlanding.It’squitepossibleshe’lltakealatershuttletoeconomyparkingjusttopaytwodollarsmorethansheshouldforacapresesandwich.
Shenearlyshuddersatthethought.Somethingfeelssointrinsicallywrongwithbuyingfoodonthewayoutoftheairport.No,she’llstickitout,andhopeherstomachdoesn’tautocannibalizebeforeshemakesittoherapartment.
CONTEXT,DANIEL.CONTEXT.
Hewantstostickhisheadinoneoftheoverheadbinsandshutit.Repeatedly.Thesecondshenarrowedhereyes,thewhitesaroundherblackirisesallbutdisappearing,herealizedhismistake.Hadtheybeenseveralotherplaces—asynagoguefortheHighHolidays,say,oraconferencewherehisneckwouldbeadornedwithanametagreadingDANIELROSENBERGinboldlettering—shewouldhaveatleasthadachancetotakehisattemptatflirtingforwhatitwas.Asis,hecameoffasahypocriticaljackass.Whichisleaguesbelowaregularjackass.
StaringdownattheGQissueheswipedfromhiscollegeroommatethismorning,hetriesdesperatelytoignorethewayhereyesperiodicallyboreholesinthesideofhishead.Momentarily,hewisheshewerereligiousenoughtobewearingayarmulkeandtzitzitonthisflight.Maybeevensomeawkwardlystraightpayesinsteadofhisneatlytrimmedsideburns.Thedesireisfleeting.He’dscarfeddownabacon,egg,andcheesesandwichimmediatelyaftertakeoffandfullyintendsarepeatperformanceataneighborhoodcaféthisevening—forDaniel,unkosherbreakfastsandwichesarenotreservedforanyparticulartimeofday.
Hehadbeenlookingforaconversationstartersincethemomentheshuffledintotheaisletolethertakeherseat.Hermassoflong,tightlywoundcurlswaspinnedbackonthesideclosesttohim,revealingherdelicatenoseanddoublepiercingsinherearlobethatseemedtomatchthesetofmolessituatedhighonhercheek.Onceseated,she’dlookedupathimthroughdarkeyelashesandofferedasmallsmilebeforeturningtolookoutthewindow.Hewasnolongerannoyedbythesmallplane;thelowerceilingsalsomeanttwo-personrows,andhegothispreciousaisleseatwithnothirdpartybetweenthem.
He’snotenoughofalechtoknowhowtogoaboutflirtingwitharandomwomanonanairplane,sowhenshepulledoutthenotebook,hishearthammeredinhischest.Hecouldn’tbelievehisluck:Jewsofcoloraren’texactlycommonplacewherehegrewup—him,hismother,andhissisterbeingtheonlyonesathisshulinMadison—andthereisnonon-JewontheplanetwiththelastnameCohen.Herewasawaytoestablishcamaraderiepresentedonasilverplatter,orratherembossedonaleathernotebook.Hecouldmaybeevenfindanexcusetoseeheragain.
Now,hisluckhasrunout.He’sgratefulthatheatleastshovedhisfootinhismouthclosertolandingthantakeoff.Heconsidersintroducinghimself—firstandlastname—orjustexplainingbluntlythathe’saKoreanJewandisexcitedtohaveakindredspirit.Thatmighthaveworkedasanimmediatefollow-uptohisgaffe,butwhenshelookedathimthewayhiscat,SweetPotato,staresatabugsheplanstodevour,hechickenedout.Now,he’swaitedaboutthirtyminutestoolong,andheresignshimselftoneverenteringhernumberintohisphone.
It’sprobablybetterthisway.Daniel’slovelifehasbeendormantforsolongthatitmightbedead.Besides,shemightliveinSanFrancisco.Hewasonlyintownforthelongweekend,successfulinhissingle-mindedmissiontoboardhisSundayflighthomethoroughlyhungoverandequallysickofhiscollegesuitemates.Aliyah’snumberwouldlikelyneverdomorethanburnaholeinhiscontactslist.Hefeelsalittleoddthinkinghername,sinceshehadn’tofferedit,butheisunlikelytoforgetitanytimesoon.
Whenhenolongerfeelstheheatofhergaze—ordeathlyglare,really—onthesideofhisface,Danielrisksaglance.Hereyesareclosed,eyelashesnearlygrazingthemolesonhercheek.
Wait,hethinks,panicrisingasascratchylumpinhisthroat,I’veseenthosebefore.
No,itcouldn’tbe.HernamewasLeah.
Heblinksslowly,swallows,feelshisbloodthicken.HernamewasLiyah,asinAliyah.Whichmeanshe’sofficiallygonefrommildlyidiotictoperhapstheunluckiestmoronalive.Allthoseyearsofsummercamp,heneversawhernamewrittenout.
Hismemoryofher,agethirteen,crystallizes:featuressofterandlessdefined,hairincornrowsthatreachedhercollarbone,facelitonlybyacampinglanternDaniel’sfatherpackedhim.Thatlookoftotaltrustinherdarkeyes.Whichmorphedintonakedcontempttheverynextday.
Shedoesn’trecognizehim,he’ssureofit.Atouchofinsultsinkshisstomach.He’sagoodsixinchestallerthanhehadbeen,andthebracesonhisteethandbabyfatinhischeeksarelonggone,butishereallythatforgettable?Thenagain,everytimeshelooksathim,hegetsthesensethatit’smoreaboutshootingdaggersthancataloginghisfeatures.
Theuniversemustbeconspiringagainsthim.There’snootherexplanation.Accidentallymakingabeautifulgirlhateyouonceisonething—buttwice,adecadeandahalfapart?He’scursed.
Aflightattendantstopsattheirrow,offeringachancetogiveuptheirtrash.DanielholdshisbreathasLiyahawkwardlyreachesoverhimtodeposithercan-pretzel-bag-cupsandwichintotheextendedplasticbag.Whenshepullsback,hereyesflitacrosshim,irritationplainasever.Butthistime,theysnag,wideningslightlybeforeshewhipsherheadtowardthewindow.
Widening,hedecides,inrecognition.
Liyahsaysnothing.Butthesofttap,tap,tapofherforeheadagainstthewindowpanetellsDanielallheneedstoknow.
Mercifully,theplanelands,theFASTENSEATBELTlightdingingoffafewminuteslater.Heisalittletooquicktohisfeet,halfstumblingoutintotheaisle,butthepastfourhoursofsittinginacrampedairplanerowhaverenderedhiskneesnearlyassoreashisego.Heopenstheoverheadbinandslingsthestrapofhisduffelbagoverhischest,rushingtomakeroomforLiyahtostretchherlegswhilethefirsthalfoftheairplaneempties
Sheleansuponhertiptoestogettohersmallrollersuitcase.Hetriesnottolethisgazelingeronthebitofmidriffhersweatshirtexposesasitliftsoverherolive-greenleggings.Thesuitcaseappearstohaveshiftedtothebackofthebin,andshegrappleswiththewheelsasshetriestopullitout.
Danielstepsforwardandpullsitdownforherwithease,depressingthebuttontoraisethehandlebarbeforepassingitofftoher.Hesmilessheepishly,hopingthattheconvenienceofhisheighthasredeemedhimslightly.
“Icouldhavegottenit,Rosenberg,”shesays,makingeyecontactwithhimforthefirsttimeinthebetterpartofanhour,hermurderouslookonlyintensified.
Hisstomach,alongwithhissmile,plummets.Danielcanalmosthearthecartoonwhistleandcrashasitlandssomewherenearhislowerintestine.TherewerethreeDanielsintheircohortatcamp—eachmononymouslyknownasRosenberg,Schwartz,andGross.ButLiyahhadalwayscalledhimbyhisfirstname.Likeifshesaid“Daniel,”anylistenershouldknowprimafaciethatshewastalkingabouthim.Onanybodyelse’slips,“Rosenberg”isatermoffamiliarity,evenendearment.Onhers,itmeansIknowexactlywhoyouare,andyouarenothingtome.Maybeitwasbetterwhenshedidn’trememberhim.“Liyah—”
“Thankyou,”shemutters—compulsively,itseems,becauseshefrownsaroundthewordslikethey’rebitterinhermouth.Danieldecidesnottoriskspeakingandnods.Thewaveofmovingpassengersreachesthem,andsheturnstowalkawaywithoutasecondglance.
Danielwaits,motioningforthemanintherowacrossfromhimtomovefirst.Abufferbetweenthem,hefinallyexitsthiswretchedflight.
“NEEN!”LIYAHSHOUTS,elongatingthesinglesyllableassheswipestoanswertheFaceTime.Sheburstswithexcitementandreliefatthesightofthemonthepatiooftheirfavoritecafé,almost(butnotquite,makenomistake)forgettingaboutheremptystomach.Acheesequesadillasizzlesinhercast-ironpan,andshepropsherphoneagainstherkitchenutensilsjarsoshecantendtoitwithbothhands.
“C-J,”theycroonback,aclinkingsoundaccompanyingtheturnoftheirhead.Today,Neenwearshollowplugsintheirquarter-inchgauges,hoopearringsthreadedthroughtheholes.“Ihadn’theardfromyousinceyourIdidn’thavetimetoeatbeforeboardingtext.Wantedtomakesureyouwerestillalive.”
“Iam,butbarely.”Liyahslidesthequesadillaontoaplate,nearlymoaningatthesmellofbutterandmeltedcheeseassheliftsittowardherlipstoblowitcool.Shetapsgingerlywithanexploratoryfinger,thenhurriedlysinksherteethintothecrisptortilla,feelingthewarmcheeseoozebetweenherlips.Thistime,sheactuallymoans.
Neenpeersovertheirvintage1970ssunglassesatthescreen,lettingoutalaugh.“Idon’tthinkI’veevergottenthatnoiseoutofsomeonewhowasfullyclothed.”
Liyahgoesbug-eyedinmockoffense,unabletokeepfromsmilingaroundherhalf-fullmouth.“Doyouhaveanyideahowlongfourhoursfeelsonanemptystomach?Withdeadheadphones,noless.Iwasreadytokeelover.”Shestopshertiradetotakeanotherbite,whichsheonlymostlychewsbeforeswallowing.
“Theflightwasthatbad,huh?”
Liyahblinkshereyesopenbeforesheevenrealizessheclosedthem.Shestartstowonderwhatgaveheraway,butshestopsherself.Theirfriendshipiscountedindecades,plural,despiteneitherofthemhavinghitthirty.Whattheyhaveisn’tquitetelepathy,butit’saboutascloseasitgets.“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.Thepersonsittingnexttome”—sheheavesasigh—“sawmynameonsomethingand,y’know,expressedsurprise.”ShecatchesNeen’swince.She’sgrownnow,sosheusuallyhandlesitbetter,butit’salwaysbeenabitofasorespot.“Iwentoffonhim,andhewascompletelyterrified.AndthenIcalmeddownandspentlikethirtyminuteswonderingifitwasoverkill.MaybeIwasjustabithangry,itwasharmlessandcameoffthewrongway,butthen—”
“You?Hangry?Never,”Neeninterrupts,gigglinginresponsetoLiyah’sglare.
“AsIwassaying,Ispenttherestoftheflightfeelingsupremelyguilty.Andhungry—”
“Youmentionedthat.”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Yes,well.We’veestablishedthatit’sadeterminingfactorofmymood.”
“Ifyou’resosurehemeantnowrong,why’ditnettleyousomuch?I’mhavingtroubleimaginingthatyouwereenjoyingfriendlybanterupuntilthispoint,yourextenuatingcircumstancesandall.”Theypause,loweringtheirsunglassesandarchingabrowasifscanningLiyah’sfacethroughthephone.“Ah,hewascute!”
“NO!”LiyahistreatedtoNeen’sexpertside-eye.“Well,Imean,yes,butno.That’snotwhy.Hewasmixed,soheshould’veknownitwasadumbthingtosay.”Neenisclearlystillincredulous.“Thisisn’teventhegoodpartofthestory!So,I’mfeelingguilty,hungry,etcetera,andthenIgetthisnigglingfeeling.Andmaybeit’sthewayhelookedatme,butI’mlikeIknowthisguyfromsomewhere.”Shetakesadeepbreath,followedbyanotherbiteofquesadilla.
“And?”Neendemands.
Liyahswallows.“AndIrealizedthatitwasDanielRosenberg.”
Neen’salreadyrounddoeeyeswiden.Whentheinitialwaveofshockrollsoverthem,theylaugh.“Wow,he’sJewish!Youmusthavereallydoneanumberonhimifhedidn’tintroducehimselfrightaway.Imean,justhowhungry…”AsNeentrailsoff,theireyespracticallybulgeoutoftheirhead.“Wait.TheeDanielRosenberg?OfJewishsleepawaycampfame?”
“Theveryone,”Liyahaffirmstightly.
“Oh,youareangry.Ithoughtthis”—theycircletheirhand,palmopen,ather—“mighthavebeensomesortofsexualfrustration.DoyouwantmetoflytoChicagoandpunchhimforyou?I’lldoit.He’sbeenonmyshitlistforfourteenyears.”
“Idon’tneedyougettinganassaultchargeoversomethingthathappenedinmiddleschool.”NeengivesheralooklikeIthinkweknowit’smorethanthatmixedwithyou’vedoneitforme.Which,tobefair,itis,andshehas.Butwhenyou’retwelveandprecocious,youcantalkyourwayoutofasuspension.She’snotsureherStudentoftheMonthrecordwouldhelpherposttheirbail.“Besides”—Liyahtakesanotherbite,soshedoesn’thavetosayhernextwordswithanyrealconviction—“webarelyremembereachother.”
Theybringonehandtotheirchest.“Imeanthiswithmywholeheart,C-J:you’reamoron.Youremembereachotherperfectlywell,orhewouldn’thavebeensoterrified,andyouwouldn’thavegottensoworkedup.”
“Iamnotworkedup,”shesays,andwatchesNeen’seyesslidetoaboutwherehershouldersshouldbeontheirscreen.Liyahreleasesthem,hopingitpassesasashrug.“Andittookmealongtimetorecognizehim.Whenwewerethirteen,hewasless…Idon’tknow.HehasatattooandwenttoStanford,apparently.”
“Wait,what?”Neensays,jostlingthephoneastheysitupsostraightLiyahthinksthey’llshootoutoftheirchair.“Whatwasthetattoo?”
“Icouldn’ttell,honestly.Itwasjusttheendsofitonhisforearm,abunchofabstractlines,maybe.”
Theyshaketheirhead.“Tentacles.They’rejellyfishtentacles.C-J,Imethim!”
Liyahstopsmid-chew.“When?How?Whydoyouknowthat?”
“Youwould,too,ifyoulovedmeenoughtotakeoffworktogethereintimeforthepoolparty!”
“AFirstofJulypartyisnotarealthing,Neen.Itdidnotwarrantusingmyprecioustimeoff.”
“Itis!Itdefinitelyis,becauseDan—youknow,DanielTran,myworkhusband,totallightweight—hadhisroommatefromStanfordstayingwithhim.Andtheroommatewasahalf-AsianguywithajellyfishtattoowhohecalledRosenberg.WhichwouldmakesensesincehisnameisalsoDaniel.BecauseImetDanielRosenberg.”Theybringtheirphoneclosertotheirface,browfurrowingasthoughsearchingforsomething.“C-J,nowonderyoudidn’trecognizehimatfirst.Thatmandidnotgrowuptobecute.Heissexy.”
Liyahswallowsthickly.Shedescribedhimwiththatexactwordinadiarythatprobablystillexistsinherparents’atticsomewhere.Andthatwaswhenhewasbarelyherheightandhadbraceswithrubberbandsthatrequiredremovalbeforeeatingandamopofwavyhairhehadnoideawhattodowith.
“It’shim!”Neensays,justasLiyah’sphonepingswithascreenshotofDanielTran’sInstagrampost.Neenstandsinthecenterofthephoto,headthrownbackinlaughter,therussettonesintheirdeepbrownskinsetaglowbythesun.TotheirleftisDan,red-facedandgrinning,jet-blackhairtuckedbehindhisears.AndontheirrightisDanielRosenberg,hissmileslightlycrookedandbright,hisfulllipsamutedpink.JustasLiyahremembersit.He’sshirtless,hisarmslungaroundNeen’sshoulders,histattooonfulldisplay.Thebodyofthejellyfishstartswherehisrightshouldermeetshischest,theopeningofthebowlshaperipplingoverhisdeltoidmuscleasifinmid-swim.Itsruffledarmswraparoundhisbicep,thinnertentaclescascadingaroundthem,theirendsreachinghisforearms.Thestrokesofinktanglewithhisveins,andsheisforcedtonoticetheleanmusclebeneathhisskin.Hisshapelooksearnedratherthanworkedfor,likehe’sanathleteandnotagymrat.
“He’sdefinitely…tall,”shesays.
“Tall?That’showyou’ddescribehim?”Neen’sjawhangsslightlyajar.Liyahnods,stubborn.“Fine.ButI’msureheknewitwasyouimmediately.Youwereahotchild.”
“Okay,one:thatisanincrediblyweirdthingtosay.Andtwo:it’snoteventrue.Hedidn’tsayawordaboutit.Doesn’texactlyseemlikethememoryiskeepinghimupatnight.”Probablybecauseitnevermeantanythingtohiminthefirstplace,andwetendtodobetteratrememberingthosewho’vewrongedusthanthosewhowe’vewronged.Thethoughtmakesherfeelstomach-churninglysilly.Heresheis,fingernailsstillhookedintoangeratsomeonetowhomsheisbarelyafootnote.Likealways.
Neenblowsaraspberry.“Tall.Ican’tbelieveyousaidhe’stall.He’sfine,C-J.I’mtalkingspeeding-ticket-in-construction-zonefine.”
“Newfoundattractiontomen?”
“Never.Iwasundertheimpressionthatyouhadone,though.Didyoudamageitinthewash?”Neenlaughsattheirownjoke.Liyahrollshereyes.“Whydon’tIgethisnumberfromDan?ThirtymoreminutesinhispresenceandIbetyou’llbehavinghatesexinthenearestbathroom.”
“What?”Liyahsputters.
“It’sreallytheperfectplan,”theycontinue.“Getyourrocksoffandavengeyourthirteen-year-oldself!UnlessheviolatessomepartofyourdatingrulebookthatIcan’tmanagetokeeptrackof?”
Liyahshakesherhead.“TherulesaresoIcanavoiddating.”
“Okay,and?Itdoesn’tgetmorecasualthanhookingupwithaninsanelyhotpersonyoudislike.”
“Haha.Idon’twanttotalkaboutthisanymore.”NeenseemstosensethatLiyahmeansit,sotheymoveontocomplainingabouttheirnewmanagerattheirveryWestCoasttechcompanywhodoesn’tevenunderstandtheproductthey’reselling.
Liyahsitsonthecouchwiththeremainderofherquesadillaasshelistens,feelingherbloodsugarslowlyclimbbacktoahealthylevel.Shesighs.Thistimeyesterday,shewascuddleduptoherbestfriendonapicnicblanketinthemiddleofMissionDoloresPark,anditwasthebestshe’dfeltinweeks.There,shecouldalmostpretendthatshe’ssatisfiedspendingeighthoursadaymakingminorupdatestooldexhibitionsthatbarelyrequireherbachelor’sdegree.Thatherlastfriends-with-benefitssituationdidn’timplodethesecondthegirlsentatextbeginningwithI’mvdrunkandI’vebeenthinkingaboutus.ThatNeenwasprobablyonlybotheringherabouteverycutepersonwhowalkedpastthem(andnow,DanielRosenberg)becausesheshutdownwhentheytriedtotalktoheraboutsaidimplosion.Noneofthatmatteredwhenherfavoritepersonintheworldwaswrappedaroundherandthesunwaswarmingherface.Butnow,she’shome.Andascomfortableashercouchis,asmuchasshe’sproudofthelifeshecreatedinthiscity,shefindsherselfdreadingtheweekahead.
DANIELUNLOCKSHISdoortoaquietapartment.ThelowhumofthedishwashertellshimhejustmissedAlex,hisbartenderroommateandthepartownerofaspeakeasyinRiverNorth,leavingforwork.SweetPotatotrotsovertohim,purringalmostviolentlyasshewalksfigureeightsaroundhisankles.“Missedyou,too,”hemurmursashebendsdowntoscratchherears.Thepurringcontinues,thecatpracticallygluingherselftohiscalf,likeshesenseshisbadmood.
Hedepositshisduffelinhisbedroom,thoughtsracing.DanielspentmorenightsofeighthgradethanhecouldcountimaginingwhathewasgoingtosaytoLiyahwhenhehadthechance—halfapology,halfdemandforanexplanation—onlyforhernottoshowupthenextsummer.TheJulysofhischildhoodhadbeenblursofbugbitesandsunburnsandherbraidswithstar-shapedbeadsontheends,andthenshewasjustgone.It’snotlikehethinksaboutheroftennow,butit’snotnever.Especiallyconsideringhisrecentincreaseinsleeplessnightswithahighlightreelofhisworstmemoriesplayingonrepeat.
Murphy’sLaw,right?Hefinallydecidesthathe’sreadytobeahalf-functioningadultwithasociallifeagainandlookwhereitgetshim.
Maybeheshouldgoogleher.HowmanyAliyahCohen-JacksonscouldtherebeinChicago?He’llfindheremailorherInstagramanddraftamessage—beginwiththeapologyheknowsheowesher,asktogetcoffeeandexplainhimself.Ifitgoeswellenough,theycancatchupandreminisceandthenmaybedoitthenextweek.They’llbefriendsagain,andhe’llhaveonelessclipforhisinsomniashamemontage.
Orshe’lldeletethemessageunread,andhe’llfeelevenmoreguiltyandembarrassedthanhealreadydoes.
Hethinksbacktothelookofabsolutevitriolshegavehimintheairplaneaisleashehandedherthesuitcase.Thelatteroutcomeseemsthelikely—orperhapsdefinite—one.
So,hegoesabouttherestofhisevening,unpackingandmakingdinnerandpettinghiscat,tryingnottoreplayeverymomentoftheflightthisafternoonandtheendofthatsummerfourteenyearsagoinhismind.Andwhenhefails,hiswatchreading2:33a.m.,hisonlysolaceisthathe’llprobablyneverseeLiyahagain.CHAPTER2
LIYAHfeelslikeshe’sinadeodorantcommercialasshegripstheedgesofherofficebathroom’ssink.Yougotthis.Yougotthis.Yougotthis.Shetugsatherblouse,makingsureitshemcoverstheruffledwaistofherill-fittingslacks.
Shedoesn’texactlyhateherbody,notanymore.Herteenageyears(andagoodbitofherearlytwenties)werespentfull-throatsobbingindressingroomseverytimeshewentpantsshopping.Sincethen,afewclothingbrandshavedeveloped“curvy”denimcuts,wherethewaististruetosizebutthere’sagoodbitofextrafabricinthehips,butt,andthighs.ThefirstpairLiyahtriedonhadinspirednotonlyhappytears,butalsoanunparalleledlevelofbrandloyalty.TheFieldMuseum’sexhibitionemployeedresscodeallowsforjeans,buttoday,Liyahispitchinganentireexhibit,anditfeelslikesomethingthatrequiresmoreelevatedattire.
Thistwenty-minutemeetingcostherapproximatelythreeI’mwritingtofollowupsandfivealmondmilklattes(theformertoherboss,Jeff,andthelatterforhisassistant,Becca).Whentheexhibitionsstaffhadtheirdepartment-widemeetingtheweekaftertheFourthofJuly,theheadcuratorhadannouncedtheacquisitionofseveralrareearlyhominidskeletons.Liyahhadneversoexcitedlyrecordedhernotes.Thisisherfirstchancesincegraduationtodotheworkshe’dhadatasteofwhilewritinghermaster’sthesis,theworkshe’sdreamtofdoingsincethemomentshefirstsetfootintheBurkeMuseum,herfather’shanddwarfingherinexplicablystickyfour-year-oldfingers.
Duringtheweekssince,thisprojecthasbeentheleadplayerinLiyah’sbrain,andshehasclockedanextrasevenhoursaweekcompilingsourcesandcomingupwithaplan.Cometothinkofit,shealsoboughtlunchafewtimesforSiobhan,oneofthedepartment’sgraphicdesigners,tosecurehertalents.Siobhansaidshedidn’tneedit,butLiyahrambledonaboutunpaidlaborandSiobhaneventuallyrelented.ThismeetingisthemostexpensiveofLiyah’slife.IfJeffgoesforit,though,it’llallpayoff.
Shechecksinthemirrorforsweatstains,lifeimitatingcorporateart.Liftingherarmsrevealshowscrunchedthefabricisunderhermuch-neededbelt.Shemakesamentalnotetofindatailorthisweekend.
Liyahtakesadeepbreathandheadsouttotheconferenceroom.Thelaptopisalreadyconnectedtotheprojector,apresentationmadecompletebySiobhan’sgraphicsqueued.Shedrumsherfingersonthetabletop.Deepbreaths.Jeffisusuallyrunningbehind,butshecan’thelpbutworryhe’sforgottenaboutthemeetingordecidedit’snotworthhistrouble.Shedoesn’twanttothinkabouthowmanymorealmondtreesitwouldcosttoreschedule.Butthenthedoortotheroomcreaksopen,interruptingherthoughtspiral.
“Liyah!”Jeff,alwaysasmidgeontooloudfortheroomhe’sin,arriveswithBeccaintow.They’vetechnicallybeencoworkersforthreeyears,butBeccakeepstoherself,andpriortothecoffeebribery,she’dhardlyspokenfourwordstoLiyah.Jefftakesaseat,notepadandpenattheready.“Sorrytokeepyouwaiting.Let’shearit!”
“Thankyouformeetingwithme.”Liyahclearsherthroat.Jeff’sexpressionisblank,andlikelytostaythatway.ShementallymorphshimintoNeen’ssmilingfaceand,withadeepintakeofbreath,startsthePowerPoint.“WhenIheardthatwehadachancetobringthehyoidbonesofearlyhominidstotheField,myfirstthoughtwashowtheyweaveintothestoryoftheevolutionofspeech.”
“Yes,yes,thelackofspaceforthelaryngealairsackdifferentiatesusfromnonverbalapes.”JeffgestureshishandasiftosayIknowallthis,gettothepoint.
Aquickpressofthemousechangestheslide.“Right,thehyoidbonecangiveusanideaoftheoriginoflanguage,butwhatifweusedtheopenexhibitspaceonthesecondfloortotellabroaderstoryofhumanevolution?Notjustthenutsandboltsofnaturalselection,butthegreaterintricaciesofthedevelopmentoftraitsthatweviewasespeciallykeytoourhumanity.”Liyahmovesfromslidetoslide,goingthroughthepresentationexactlyasshepracticedwithNeen.Shestumblesabitatfirst,buteventuallyhitsherstride.Bythetimeshereachestheend,make-believeNeenhaslongsincedisappeared,butthesmileonJeff’sfaceremains.
“Thisis…good.Thisisreallygood,”Jeffsays,nodding.Liyahbitestheinsideofhercheektokeepfromgrinning.“ItwouldcomplementourexhibitontheevolutionofEarth.Youknow,howourhomecametobe,andthenacrosstheatrium,howwecametobe.”
It’squitepossiblethatnoamountofcheekbitingisgoingtostopLiyah’sear-to-eargrin.“Right!”shesays.“Blurringthelinesbetweenthebiologicalstudyandthesocialscientificstudyof,well,us.”
Jeffcluckshistongue.“ThiswillrequirealotmorethanthehandfulofskeletalremainsandtoolsIalreadyhavesecured.EvenIcan’tsignoffonthiswithoutaskingthehigher-ups.Howdoyouthinkitfitsintoourgoalofattractingmoreyoungadults?We’vegotthekidmarketcornered,andretireeslovemuseums,butwe’restrugglingwithpeopleyourage.”
Liyahpauses,considering.ShevaguelyremembersJefftalkingaboutmarketingattheirlastmeeting,butshezonedoutaftertheacquisitionwasannounced.“Well,surelyanewexhibitionwillbringpeoplein.”
Heleansforward,placinghishandspalms-downonthetable.“Ifyouwanttobebumpeduptocuratornextyear,you’regoingtoneedtothinkbeyondthat.”
“Nextyear?”Liyahblurts.Curatorbythirty,thatwashergoal.Hercollegeadvisorhadlookeddownhisnosewhenshetoldhim(ambitious,aren’tyou?)andNeensaidtheywouldprintthewebsiteupdatethemomentitwentliveandmailittohishouse.Hermindspins.Curatorbytwenty-eight?Ifthat’sonthetable,itchangeseverything.
“Look,”Jeffcontinues,“youknowwhattheboardwants—bettermembershipnumbers.NomatterhowmuchyouandImaywishitwouldcomefromanewexhibition,itprobablywon’t.Unlessit’sallmirrorsandcoloredlightsforsocialmedia.”Liyahrestrainshereyeroll.Lastyear,sheworkedononeofthose,anddespitetheField’sadmirableeffortstoincorporategenuinelyeducationalcontent,alittlebitofherdiedeverydayshespentdesigningit.“Ifyouworkwiththemarketingguytheyhired,I’llpitchthemyouridea.Together,thatwouldbeaprettyconvincingpromotionpackage.”
“Whatexactlywouldworkingwithhimentail?”
“Meetwithhim,comeupwitheventsthatwillattractamillennialaudience,andsendmeaproposal.You’reyoung,andyouknowthismuseumwell.I’msureyou’llmakesomethinggreat.”
Spendingtimeawayfromherexhibitionssoundslikeamonumentalwaste.Butcuratorringsinherears.Shegritsherteethintoasmile.“Icoulddothat.”
Jeffclapshishands.“Great!I’llsendyouthedetails.ForwardmeyourslidesandI’llpitchittotheboard.Icanletyouknowwhattheysaybyend-of-week.”
“Thankyou.Ifitworksout,IwouldloveSiobhantobethegraphicdesignerfortheproject.Shedidawonderfuljobhelpingwiththispresentation.”She’snotsureifthisisanappropriaterequesttomake,butshewouldfeelimmenselyguiltyifshesaidnothing.
JeffnodstoBecca.“I’llkeepthatinmind.”Hepauses,asifrememberingsomething.“Youstudiedevolutionaryanthropology,right?”
“Yes.Or,actually,itwascalledbiologicalanthropologyatNorthwestern,butyes—”Shewillsherselftostopmid-sentence.Excitedlyspewingunnecessaryinformationisahabitshe’sneverbeenabletokick.
“Okay,then.You’llneedsomeonetohelpwiththeculturalsideofthings.Nopromises,butitmightbeworthaskingaround.”Hegivesapointedlook.ItseemsherclandestinerivalrywithEmiliano(culturalanthropologist,colossalpriss)isnotasclandestineasshethought.
Evenso,Liyahfull-onbeamsasshethanksJeffandBecca.Shebarelymanagestowaituntiltheyleavetheroomtodohervictorydanceandpulloutherphone.
Liyah
Itwentwell.He’sgonnabringituptheladder,andallIhavetodoismeetwithamarketingguyaboutappealingtoamillennialcrowd.Which,gross,butJeffsaiditwouldbe,andIquote,“aprettyconvincingpromotionpackage.”AH!!!!
Neen’sreplyisalmostimmediate.
Neen
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhcuratorC-J!kickingbonesandtakinspecies’names
Liyah
Godyou’recorny.Andgettingaheadofyourself.ButthanksIloveyou!!!
Neen
sentu$$forcelebratorylunch!knockyourselfout
anddon’teventhinkaboutsendingitback.it’llstartaviciouscyclegreaterthanthevenmowarsof2014
Liyah
Ughloveyoumissyou!!
Neen
loveyoumissyoutooxo
Liyahallbutsprintstoherofficeandswingsopenthedoor.“I’mtakingyoutolunch!”
Siobhanstartles,herfair,freckledskinturningbeetredasshepullsoutoneearbud.“Jesus,Liyah.Scaredmehalftodeath.”
“Jefflikedit!He’sgonnaletusknowifit’sagobyFriday.”
“Noshit,huh?Congrats,love.”
“Yourgraphicstookittothenextlevel.Icouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyou.Hence,lunch.”
“Idon’tbelievethatforasecond.AlsoIwillphysicallyfightyouifyoutrytobuymefoodagain.”Sheholdsupafinger.“Andifyoustartonaboutwagetheft,Iwon’tevengotolunchwithyou.Doingfavorsforfriendsisnottheleadingcauseofunderpaidworkers.”
Liyahshootsaplayfulglareoverhershoulderasshesits.“Alright,noted.ButItoldJeffthatyoushoulddothegraphics.”
“Ifitgetsmeoffthisstupidnewsletterrevamp,Imighthavetobuyyoulunch.”Siobhansighs.“Speakingof,canyouproofreadthis?”
Liyah,toodrainedfromthemeetingtostandup,scootsherchairacrossthesmallroomuntilshecanreadSiobhan’sscreen.Asmuchasshehatesdoingthework,shedoesagoodjobofit.Thedesignwouldinspireatleastaquickread-throughinsteadofaninstantdelete.“There’snouinfavorite,”shesays,pointing.
Siobhangroans.“It’smurderkeepingupwithAmericanspellings.Youknow,theEnglishstartedthisdamnlanguage,shouldn’twedefertotheirrules?”
Liyahplacesherhandoverherheart.“NotSiobhanGallaghersayingsomethingpositiveabouttheEnglish.MustbebelowzeroCelsiusinhell.”
“Don’tgogettingusedtoit.Andgetbacktowork.”ShepunctuatesthiswithakicktothebaseofLiyah’schair.Itrollshalfwaybackacrosstheroom,andLiyahfinishesthejourney,Siobhan’slaughtertanglingwiththestutteredsoundofLiyah’sawkwardscooting.
Assheclicksthroughherin-box,archiving,deleting,andreplyingasneeded,thedetailsfortomorrow’smeetingappearinamessagefromJeff.She’llbehavingcoffeewithBrett(ew)atalittleplaceintheLooponWednesday,ninesharp.Annoyancenipsather.
“Siobhan,what’retheoddsofmegettingthroughaninety-minutemeetingwithamarketingspecialistnamedBrettwithoutrollingmyeyes?”
“Nil,”shereplies.Liyahsnort-laughs.
AliyahCohen-Jackson,Curator.Fine,shecantolerateafewmeetingswithacorporatehack.Maybehe’llbedumbenoughtofallforfeignedfeminineincompetenceanddoallthework.
“HOW’STHEPHARMAaccountgoing?”Anewroutewasputupattheirboulderinggym,andJordanspotsDanielfromtenfeetbelow.
JordanwastheonewhodiscoveredChicagoRockstwoyearsprior.Beforethat,theyhadworkedatthesamemarketingfirmforayearandahalfwithouteverinteracting.Theywereawareofeachother,especiallyastherestoftheircompanyisnothingifnotincrediblywhite,buttheywerehiredatdifferenttimesandhadneverbeenonthesameproject.
Oneday,Jordanshowedupathisofficeat5:05p.m.,leanedonthedoorframewiththekindoftwinklingsmilethatDanielpreviouslythoughtonlyexistedonfilm,andaskedDanielhowhefeltaboutrocks.They’vebeenclimbingtogetherthreedaysaweeksince.DanieliseternallygratefulthatJordanchosehimtoaskthatday,andnotonlybecauseitgavehimagoodreasontocancelhisoverpricedgymmembership.
Danielreachesforthenexthold.Hishandistoosweatyforasolidgrip,sohedipsitinthebagofchalkhangingfromhiship.Muchbetter.“Imightbetransitioningawayfromit,finally.”Hehoistshimselfupanotherseveralinches,hisfeetfindingsecurityonnewholds.“IfwegetCTA,I’mpullingoutallthestopstobelead.BrettalsoemailedmeaboutanaccountImightwant,buthediditafterfive,soIrefusedtoopenitonprinciple.”
Jordan’slaughechoesupathim.“IfanybodyatKinleywouldbemoreexcitedtopostabouttrainsthancutting-edgemedicine,thenIguessitwouldbeyou.”
“Hey,theLhasneverfailedme.”
Jordansnorts.“Icanprobablynamefivetimesoffthetopofmyheadthatyou’vebeenlatethismonthspecificallybecauseoftheChicagoTransitAuthority.”
“Wehaveacomplexrelationship.”Also,hehatesbigpharma.Whenhewasassignedtheaccount,thereweremanyenviouseyesonhim.Hepretendedtobeexcited;itwasabigaccountforsomeonesojunioratthefirm,buthe’swantedoffsincethebeginning.Asanybodywithabasic—letaloneintimate—knowledgeoftheindustry’sstandardpracticeswould.Danielreachesthetopofthewall,sohereleaseshislegsanddoesafewpull-upsonthelasttwoclimbingholds.
“Cough,show-off,cough,”Jordancalls.
“Didyouinhalesomechalkthere?”Danielasks,andhedoesn’tneedtolookdowntoknowthatJordanisgivinghimthefinger.Hestartshisdescent,thepathdowneasierthanthepathupnowthathe’sbuiltsomemusclememory.Whenhisfeetlandsoftlyonsolidground,hegrabshistoweltowipethesweatfromhisbrowandseesthatJordanhasalreadygatheredhisthings.“Wannagrabadrink?”
Jordanshakeshishead.“Iwould,man,butItoldNishathatI’dwatchsomecrimedocumentarywithher.Idon’tknowwhywomenlovethatshit.It’snightmarefuel.”
“Aite,anothertime,”Danielreplies,followingJordanoutside.Theairiswarmbutbreezy,aperfectAugustnight.
“Whateverhappenedtothatwomanfromtheairplane?”
DanielregrettedtellinghimaboutLiyahapproximatelythreesecondsafterheletitslip.Heshould’veknownthatJordan,atrueromantic,wouldneverlethimheartheendofit.Theinquiriescameeverydayatfirst,onlyrecentlydecreasingtoaboutonceperweek.Heshakeshishead.“Whywon’tyouletthisgo?It’sbeenoveramonth.”
“Becauseyouhaven’tmentionedagirl—woman—tomesince,well,before,youknow…”Jordantrailsoff.Danielcouldthrowhimarope,buthedoesn’t.LetJordandighimselfoutofhisownhole.“Youhaven’tmentionedawomantomeinoverayear.”
“Jordan,ImentionedthatIranintosomeoneIusedtoknowandthatsheabsolutelyhatedme.Somehow,you’veforgottenthesecondpart.”
“Youalsosaidshewashot.”Danielgiveshimaflatlook,andJordanholdsuphishands.“Okay,I’llletitgo.Ijustwannaseeyouhappy.It’sbeenaminute.”
“IlivewithAlex;I’vealreadygotenoughunsoliciteddatingadvice.”Daniel’sroommatefrequentlyremindshimthathehasastandingoffertowooaladywithnever-endingfreedrinks.Alex’swords,notDaniel’s.Hissix-monthdryspellmaybehasn’tbeenideal,butit’snotthatbad.BetweenJordan’sserialmonogamyandAlex’sserialghosting,neitherofDaniel’sclosestfriendsinthecityhaveeverlearnedhowtospendtwoweekendsinarowwithanemptybed.
“Whateveryousay,man.I’llseeyouatthegalaonFriday.”
Danielgroans.“Don’tremindme.”Hecanthinkofnearinfinitewayshe’dratherspendhisFridaynightthanatamuseumcelebratinghisfirm’stwentiethbirthday.ClippingSweetPotato’sfrontclaws,say,evenattheriskofanotherscarbetweenhisforefingerandthumb.Hisonlysolaceisthepossibilityofanopenbar.Heextendshishandandtheypartwayswithasweatydapandtwinseeyalaters.
OntheL,heswipesthroughhisphoneuntilhereachestheappstore.Sixmonthsisn’tthatbad,butit’sstartingtogettohim.Histhumbishoveringoverthelittlecloud-shapedredownloadbuttonnexttotheTindericonwhenhethinksbetterofit.Thesituationisnotsodirethathe’swillingtosubjecthimselftooverlyforwardquestionsaboutwhichsideofhisfamilyhegothisdicksizefrom—gross—orwhitewomenwhoarecreepilyobsessedwithKoreanpopularculture—somehowgrosser.Fornow,hishandworksperfectlyfine.
Whenhefinallygetstohisapartmentdoor,hefindsitalreadyunlocked.Alexmustbeofftonight.SweetPotatosauntersovertohimandweavesbetweenhisankles:hercustomarywelcomehomethegreatestconsistencyinhislife.Hebendsdownandscoopsherup.Despiteherimpatientmeows,shedoesn’tsquirm,andinsteadsoftlypatshisjawwithafrontpaw.Ittookherweekstowarmuptohimafterhe’dadoptedher,andhestillsavorseverybitofheraffections.Justthen,athudcomesfromAlex’sroom,andSweetPotatothrashestojumpoutofDaniel’sarms.
Thethudisfollowedbyalow-pitchedmoan,andDanielsurmisesthatthelackoflightcomingfromAlex’sdoorisnotbecausehe’snapping.Theyliveinabuildingwithdecentlythickwalls,buttheirbedroomdoorsareperpetuallyproppedopensothatSweetPotatocanroamfreelywithouteverlosingaccesstoherlitterbox.It’sgreattohavearoommatewholoveshiscat,butnotifitmeansthatDanielistheaudiencetothisparticularconcertofgroans.
Hethinksaboutshuttingthedoor,buthedoesn’twanttomaketheirhouseguestfeelawkward,andhecertainlydoesn’twantanaccidentalviewofAlex’sbareassmid-thrust.Instead,heemptieshisgymbagandtosseshisworkclothesintothelaundryhamper.ThegroansandthumpingcontinueuntiltherushofwaterfromDaniel’sshowerheaddrownsoutthenoise.
Heslipsintotheshower,lettingthehotwatersoothethemusclesinhisshoulders.Theyalwaysachebynighttime,thecycleofunderuseathisdeskandoveruseonarockwallcatchinguptohim.Ashelathers,hehearsadoorslamshut.Atleasthewon’thaveanunfortunatesoundtracktohisdinner.It’sliketheworldisconspiringtomakehimkeenlyawareofexactlyhowlongit’sbeensincesomeoneelsetouchedhim.Maybehe’lltakeAlexuponacomplimentarybartabthisFriday;theguymustbedoingsomethingrightifhe’smanagedaone-nightstandonaMonday
Shit,thecompanyparty.Danielgroans,turningofftheshower.Endlessdrinksandwooingwillhavetowaituntilnextweek.CHAPTER3
LIYAHpushesopenthedoortothecoffeeshopfiveminutespriortohermeeting,surveyingthecrowdwithadeepfrown.Shemaynotvaluetheworkshe’sheretodo,butshedoesvalueJeff’sopinionofher,andshedoesn’twantBretttocomplainthatshe’smadehimwaitherusualseven-to-twelve-minutedelay.
PunctualitydoesnotcomenaturallytoLiyah,andhertimelinesscostherhermorningcoffee.Whichmeanshercaffeineheadacheisminutesaway,andBretthadtopickthecoffeeshopwiththelongestlineintheknownuniverse.She’sfacedwithequallyunappealingchoices:taketherequiredfifteenminutestoorderandreceiveherdrink(andriskupsettingBrettbybeinglate)orfigureoutwhichsuit-cladguyburiedinhisphoneishersforthenexthourandahalf(andriskupsettingBrettbybeingherself,sanscoffee).
Afteramomentofindecision,shegoeswiththelatter.
It’sdamnnearimpossible.EveryguyherelooksexactlylikehisnameisBrett.ThereshouldbealawagainstthismanyMacBookProsandnavysuitsinoneroom.
Liyahmakesasharpturn,bypassingthepastrycase,andthere:theguyinthebackcornerhastwocoffeesinfrontofhisMacBookandanemptychairacrossfromhim.Ifit’shim,she’llhavetobuyalotteryticketonherwayhome.Shewaves,buthisheadisdown,soshecrossesherfingersandmakesherapproach.
BackCornerisdistinctlydifferentfromtherestofthenavysuitspeciesbecausehisblazerisremoved,sleevesrolledtohiselbows.Atleastshecanconfirmthathe’swarm-blooded.Heliftshisarmtobrushhisfingersthroughhishair,displayingtendrilsofblackinkpeekingoutfromhisrolledshirtsleeve.Shefreezes.
Whatarethefuckingchances?
Liyahstepsbackgingerly,asthoughmovingtoosuddenlywilldestroythefabricofwhateveralternateuniverseshe’sstumbledinto.Evenfrazzled,she’ssufficientlyquiet,butthenavysuitatthetabletoherleftknocksoverhiscup,cursingloudlyashetriesdesperatelytosavehisMacBookfromdeathbydrowning.
That’swhenDanielRosenberglooksup.
Hisfacetravelsfromblanktosurprisedtosomethinglikesmug.Whichiswhensherealizesthatfromhisperspective,she’sjustbeenstandingthere,staringathim.Shesailspastfrazzled,dockingathorrified.“Hey,Liyah,”hesaystentatively,asthoughhe’snotsurewhetherhe’ssupposedtoacknowledgeher.Maybesmugisthewrongword,butwhateverhisexpression,shedoesn’tlikeit.
“God,whyareyouevenhere?”sheasks,notreallymeaningtosayitaloud.
Hissmilefallsaway.“I’mmeetingsomeoneforwork,”hereplies,gazetravelingdownLiyah’sarmtowhereshewhite-knucklesthehandlesofhertotebag.Sheforcesherfingerstorelax,andhiseyessnapbacktohers.
“I’mmeetingsomeoneforwork,”Liyahparrots.
Danielholdshergaze,noddingslowly.“Bothcanbetrue.I,um,wantedto—”
“Ihaven’thadcoffeetodayandI’mabouttobelateformymeeting,”Liyahinterrupts.“Ireallycan’tdothisrightnow.”
Hegesturesattheuntouchedmugacrossfromhim.“Ifyouwantthis,it’syours.Myguyhasn’tshowedyet.”
Liyahfrowns.“Isthisyouratonementforwhatyousaidontheflight?”
Heletsoutashortlaughthroughhisnose.“Iwasjusttryingtobefriendly,andyouhadtogoandbitemyheadoff.Thatwasatonementenough.”
Shefoldsherarmsacrossherchest.“Thatisagrossexaggeration.”
“Yousure?”Hetiltshischinup,revealinghisneck.“Theremightstillbeteethmarks.”
“Alright,well.ThishasbeenexactlyasniceasIwould’veexpectedittobe.Positivelylovely.”Shedrawlstheword,makingsureDanielknowsshemeansanythingbut,andturns,readytobeginhersearchforBrettoncemore.
“Yousureyoudon’twantthecoffee?”hesays,lookingatherexpectantly.
Liyahhesitates.Shewouldverymuchliketostalkoffwithoutanotherword.Butnowshe’sgenuinelylate,andtalkingtoBrettinthisstatecouldverywellleadtoacomplaintinJeff’sin-box.“Yourfellow…”Shelookshimupanddown,grimacing.Evenseated,it’sobviousthatunlikeLiyah,Danielhasatailor.Anexpertone.Slackscan’tpossiblyfitlikethatofftherack.Shehateshowtheyemphasizethelonglineofhisleg,hatesevenmorethatshenotices.“Foreignacquisitionsmanager,I’mguessing,won’tmind?”
“Digitalmarketingstrategist.”
Liyahgasps,handoncheek.“Ican’tbelieveIassumedyouhadaboring,corporatejob.Thatsoundsriveting.”
Danielbringshisrighthandtohisheart.Liyahlooksattheedgesofhistattoo,remindedofthephotoNeensenther,chlorinatedwater-slickedskinglisteninginthesun.“Youwoundme,”hesays.Hisvoiceispained,butthelookofamusementhewears,whilesubtle,reacheshiseyes.Likehethinksshe’smakingfunofhim,ratherthansayingfuckoffforever,pleaseandthankyou.“It’sfine,Ipromise.”
“Okay,well,”shesays,pickingupthemug,pleasantlysurprisedtofinditstillwarmtothetouch.“I’mgoingtogofindBrett.There’sgottabeone—orfive—inhere,”shemumbles.
Helaughs,andthere’sapangoffamiliarityinhergut.It’salittlethroatier,sure,butthatsoundhasn’tchangedmuchinfourteenyears.Liyahpressesherlipstogether.“Lookslikethecoffeewasyoursallalong.I’mguessingthenameJeffmeanssomethingtoyou?”
There’sablinkingmomentbeforeanintensesurgeofnausea.Oh.BrettpawnedthismeetingoffonhisunderlinglikeJeffdidtoher,whichmeans…
“Absolutelynot.”
Danielfurrowshisbrow.“Youdon’tknowaJeff?”
“Oh,Ido.OnewhofailedtogivemesomeveryimportantinformationwhenIagreedtodothis.”Liyahthinksbacktohermorningcommute.DoessheremembergettingontheL?Isthereanychancethatshefelltoherdeathonthetracksandthisisherpersonalhell?
Danielfrowns.“Look,Ididn’tknowitwasyou,either.Iseethatyou’reunhappywiththisdevelopment—”Liyahcough-laughs.Daniel’sfrowndeepens.“Butcanyousitdownandplayniceforalittlebit?Ineedthisaccounttogowell.”
“Youneedthistogowell?Ineedtoplaynice?”Liyahsputters.
“Liyah,comeon.”Hesighs.“Havesomecoffee,andwe’llgettowork.”Andthentheleftcornerofhismouthtugsupward.
God,shecouldcombustonthespot.Shecouldyell,stomp,stormout,tellJeffshe’ssorry,butshecannotdothis,herpromotionbedamned.ButthatwouldmeanlettingDanielRosenbergruinthis,too
So,Liyahinhalesdeeply,pullsoutthechair,takesherseat,andbringsthemugtoherlips.Thefirstsipofcoffeeisnothingshortofdivineonhertongue,butitlandslikepureacidinherstomach.“Iassumeyou’vereadJeff’semail?”Henods.“I’mgoingtolevelwithyou,Idon’treallyseetheuseofmybeinghereinsteadofworkingonmyexhibition.IwashopingIcouldshowupandgiveBrettadoe-eyeddamselindistresslookuntilhedideverythingforme,butI’mguessingthatwon’tworkonyou.”
Danielshakeshishead.“Itwouldnot.Ihaveasister.”
Liyahnods,makingeyecontactwithhercoffeemug.Kayla,ifsherememberscorrectly.Afewyearsolder,loud,beautiful.“Ican’tbelieveI’msayingthis,butIwishIweresittingwithaBrettrightnow.”Hebringshisfistoverhismouthashelaughs,likeshe’sshockeditoutofhim.“I’mnotjoking,”shesays.
“Iknow,”hereplies.“Stillfunny.”
Playnice,shetellsherself,andtakesanothersipofcoffee.“Iknownothingaboutmarketing,butIhavebasicallyanencyclopedicknowledgeoftheField,sothat’swhatI’llcontribute.”
“Encyclopedic,huh?”hechallenges.Liyahnods.“Howbigisthebuilding?”
Shesmirks,foldingherarmsacrossherchest.“There’sover480,000squarefeetofexhibitionspaceontheoriginalthreefloors,withanadditional186,000addedin2005onthetwoundergroundlevels.Incaseyou’rebehindonyourarithmetic,thataddsupto666,000,whichisprobablywhytheteamwhodidthewebsitedecidedtoreportitastwoseparatenumbers.Askmesomethingdifficult,Rosenberg.”
Thecornerofhismouthquirksagain,analmost-smile.“Okay,Liyah.YouaretheFieldMuseum’sBritannica.Isthereanythingoffthetopofyourheadthatmightdrawinacrowdthatdoesn’tusuallygotomuseums?”
Liyahtapsherbottomlip.“Oh!SUE—ourT.rex—isboththephysicallylargestandmostcompleteskeletonofoneeverfound!Ninetypercentofherwasrecovered.We’veevengotherfurcula.”
“Herwhat?”
“Wishbone.”
Danielshakeshishead,halflaughingthroughhisnoseagain.“Thisisyourideaofsomethingthatwouldattractmillennialswhodon’tcareaboutmuseums?”
“Ifitdoesn’t,there’snohopeforourfuture.”Helooksatherblankly.“What,Rosenberg?Ifyouhaveanythingbetter,I’mallears.”Shetracesthehandleofthemug,willingherselfnottosaythewordsformingonhertongue.Alosingbattle.“I’mshockedyouwon’tgoalongwithwhateverIsay,seeingthatyou’vealwaysbeensofondofstealingmyideas.”
“Areyouserious,Liyah?We’redoingthis?”Hesoundsexasperated,maybeevenalittleangry.It’ssatisfying,knowingthatshecandisturbhiscalm.
Liyahpursesherlipsdemurely.“Idon’tthinkwe’redoinganything.”
“We’renotgoingtogetasinglethingdoneifallyoudoisswipeatme.Youwanttotalkaboutcolorwars?”ShewatchesDanielclenchhisjaw,thelineofhisbrowlowering.
Thefifthnighttheysnuckoutoftheircabins,theymetintheobservatoryatmidnight.Healwayshadthislittlecampinglanternwithhim,andtheyhadturneditoffsothattheycouldbetterseethestars.HepointedtoUrsaMajor.SheshowedhimCassiopeia,Draco,Hercules,andCapricorn.Whentheyflickedthelightbackon,hewaslookingatherjustlikethat.Moreserious,moreresolutethanshe’deverseenhim.Shesworeshewouldmemorizethatmoment,imprintitbehindhereyelidsfortherestofherlife.Twodayslater,shepromisedherselfshewouldscrubitfromherconsciousnesscompletely.
Anotherbeat.Liyahconsiderslettinghimstew,butthewordstumbleout:“ItwasneverjustaboutMaccabiah.”
“THENWHATWASitabout,Liyah?”Daniellooksupather.“Theclosingceremonywasthelasttimeyouspoketomethatsummer.Andthenyoudidn’tcomeback.”
Sheblinksslowly,inhaleslikeshe’stryingtoholdherselftogether.“Fine.Yes,let’stalkaboutit.”
“Great.”Heleansbackinhischair,absentlyturninghiscoffeecupwithhislefthand.“I’llstart:I’msorryIdidn’twarnyouabouttheclosingceremony.Ifoundoutprettylastminute,butitwasstillshitty.Now,doyouthinkyoucouldtellmewhatitisIdidthatmadeyouhateme?”
Liyahscoffs,herheadtiltingasifphysicallytakenaback.“I’msorry,what?”Hervoicecomesoutwithaslighttremor,andDanielthinksitmightbethesoundofherbloodboiling.“Youwantmetotellyouwhatyoudid?”
“Yes.Wekneweachotherforyears,Liyah.Thatsummer,wesnuckoutofourcabinseverynightforaweek,andwewouldtalkforhours.We”—don’tlookatherlips,Daniel—“kissed,andwhileIknowitwasawkwardsincewewerechildrenandhadnoideawhatweweredoing,itwasalsothemostthrillingmomentofmyearlyteenagelife.Andthenyoucompletelydisappeared.Overastupidsportscompetition.Youdon’tthinkthatbegsanexplanation?”
Ifsomeoneopenedthedoortothecoffeeshoprightnow,thattinygustofwindwouldbeenoughtoswayLiyah’sjaw.Foramoment,theyjustlookateachother,andDanielcanhearhispulseinhisears.
“Doyouevenrememberwhathappenedthatyear?”sheasksonanexhale.
Theywereintheoldestcohortofcamperswhostillparticipatedincolorwars,onopposingteams—LiyahonAdom,red,andDanielonKachol,blue.Theyweresupposedtomeetbehindthepoolhousethenightafterclosingceremonies,butLiyahnevershowed.“Iknowtherewerealotof…similaritiesbetweenKachol’sclosingceremonyperformanceandAdom’s.”
“Similarities?”Liyahbalks.“Itstartedwiththreepeopledeckedoutintheopposingteams’colors,whowerethentaggedbyblueflashlights,onlytoshedtheirred,green,andwhiteT-shirtsandberesurrectedasTeamKachol.WhichisidenticaltowhatIhadplannedwithAdom.Youstoleourthunderandwonthetrophy,betrayingmeintheprocess,”Liyahsays.Sheclenchesherjaw,raisesherchin,challenginghimtodefyher.
“ItoldyouthatIwasn’tplanningtheclosingceremonies—”
“Thatdoesn’tmeanyoucouldn’thaveusedmeforintel.”
Danielsighs,shouldersrelaxing.“Youstormedoutafterthat,didn’tyou?”
“Whatdoesthatmatter?”
“Itmattersbecauseifyouhadn’t,youwouldhaveheardEliandGrossbraggingaboutrunninganamateurstingoperationtospyonyourpractices.Theytoldeveryonewhowouldlisten.”
Liyah’sfacesoftensafraction.“Butwhywouldn’tyouhavejusttoldmethat?”
Danielshakeshishead,smiling.“Idon’tknow.Iwasaninsecureidiot,mostly.Agirlstoodmeup,andmyfirstthoughtwasshethinksI’muglyandtoldherwholecabinI’mabadkisser,notshethinksImastermindedacourtshiptobettermychancesatbeingfirstinlineforanicecreamparty.”
“Therewerealsobraggingrights,”shesays.
“Right.That’swhyIconfessedmycripplingarachnophobia.”Finally,shesmiles.It’sbriefbutfuckingdazzling.Herunshisfingersthroughhishair,resistingtheurgetoavoideyecontact.“I’msorry,Liyah.Ittookafewdaysforittooccurtomewhatitlookedliketoyou,butitshouldn’thave.AndIshouldhavefoundyouandtoldyou.”
Hereyebrowslift.“AboutMaccabiah?”
“Yes,aboutMaccabiah,”hereiterates,holdinghergaze,feelinghispulseinhisthroat.
Liyahsighs.“Iprobablywouldn’thaveletyou.Iwasprettyangry.”Helooksatherlikeyathink?andshewrinkleshernoseathim.
“Youdidn’t—youdidn’tstopgoingtocampbecauseofthat,didyou?”He’swonderedovertheyears,evenbeforeheranintoherontheflight.It’snotagoodfeeling,tothinkthatyoumightbethereasonsomeonelostsomethingtheyloved.Certainlynotwhenit’s3a.m.onaTuesdayandyoustillhaven’tfallenasleep.
“No,Ididn’tstopgoingtocampbecauseofMaccabiah,”shesayscarefully.Daniel’sbodysagswithrelief.“IdidaprogramattheBurkeMuseumthenextsummer.”
Danielsmiles.“Well,it’sgoodtoknowthatitwasn’tbecauseIwasabadkisser.You’vereallyworkedwondersonmyteenageego.”
TheglintinLiyah’seyeturnsdevilish.“Hedeservesit.Puttingyourhandonsomeone’sstomachandleavingittotallylimpwhileyoukissisanunderratedmove.”
Hiswholefaceblushes.Neckandchest,probably,too.Hebusieshimselfbyrotatinghislaptoptoshowherhisopendocument.“Weshouldprobablydosomebrainstorming,whilewe’rehere.IncaseadvertisingSUE’senormousfurculaisn’tenough.”
“Idon’tseewhyitwouldn’tbe,”shegrumbles.
“Liyah.”
“Fine,what’veyougot?”Sheleansforward,gentlynudginghislaptopsoshecanseethescreenbetter.Herforearmhoversaninchabovehis,andheswearshecanfeelthehairstherestandonend.Afteramomentofscanning,shesays,“ThislookslikeaPinterestboard.Whyaretheresomanypicturesofpeopledrinkingwine?Andsleepingbags?”
“AlotofmuseumsinNewYorkdocuteeventstoappealtothemillennialcrowd.Sleep-ins,winenights,themedparties,thatkindofthing.”
“Wealreadydoasleepoverforparentsandyoungchildren.”
“Butwhataboutanadults-onlyversion?Real-lifeNightattheMuseum.”
Liyahpropsherelbowonthetableandrestsherchininthepalmofherhand,seeminglyunawarethatshe’spushingtheinvisiblelinethatbisectstheirspace.“Theboardwantsustogetmoreyoungmembers.Howisonenightgoingtodothat?”
“Wedoaraffleforafreemembershipattheendofthenightforanyonewhosignsupforthenewsletter.Then,youhooktherestviaemailwithpromisesofSUE’sfurcula.”
“Menonlywantonething.”Sheshakesherhead.“SUEismorethanjustherfurcula,Rosenberg.”
Overtime,thecoffeeintheircupsdwindlesandthedocumentonhisscreengrows.Danielleansbackinhisseat,readjustinghislegsunderthetable.They’resolidlyonherhalf,butshesitswithherlegscrossedandclosetoherchair,herupperbodyspillingoverintohisspaceasshegesticulatesorleansoverthelaptop.Hisexactopposite.
Miracleofmiracles,bythetimeLiyahpacksherthings,theyhaveanactionableproposalandafewdecentbackupideas.
“Well,I’vegottago,butthankyouforthecoffee,”shesays.
“Arewegood?”heblurts.“Imean,itseemslikewe’regoingtobeworkingtogetheralot,anditwouldbeeasierifyoulikedme.”Liyahfiddleswiththestrapofherbag,lookingaway.Nottheresponseheneeds.“Look,”hesays.“Kinleyisdoingitstwentieth-anniversarypartyattheFieldonFriday.Howaboutyoustayafterwork,andIsneakyouinforsomefood?Apeaceoffering.”
Liyahglancestotheceilingthenbackathim,cluckinghertongue.“You’redetermined,aren’tyou?”
“WhenIneedtobe.”
“I’llconsiderit.Ireallyhavetogo,though.Havea…goodrestofyourweek,Rosenberg.”
“You,too,Cohen-Jackson,”hereplies.Sheexitsthecoffeeshop,notlookingback.Hewatchestheswayofherhipsasshegoes,unabletoshakeasinkingfeelingthatsomethinghasbeenleftunsaid.CHAPTER4
SIOBHANgrabsLiyah’sarm,stoppingherfromsteppingoutintothelobby.“Wehaveanexplicitinvite,”Liyahremindsher.“It’sfine.”
“Youhaveanexplicitinvite,”Siobhaninsists.“I’mastowaway.”
“Idoubtthey’llmind.They’veallhadchancesforseconds,andthere’sstillenoughfoodtofeedtheentirecrowdtwicemore.They’llprobablytossmostofitanyway.”
Siobhanchuckles.“Isee,sothisisaboutsavingtheplanet.HereIwasthinkingyouwerejustlookingoutforyourbelly.”
Liyahmakesherbestinnocentface,claspingherhandsandbattinghereyelashes.“Whateverdoyoumean?FoodwasteisaseriousproblemintheU.S.,andstealingthisfoodistheonlywaytostopit.It’sapublicservice.Yourgooddeedfortheyear.”Siobhantriesandfailstobitebackalaugh.“Listen,there’slikesixwomenhere.Ifwestickoutthatbadly,that’sonthem.Theyshouldbeembarrassedtoevenquestionus.”Siobhannodshesitantly,stillunconvinced.Liyahsighs.“Iftheydo,I’llsaywe’reDanielRosenberg’splus-two.Hewon’tcare.”
“Ithoughtyousaidyouweren’tplanningontalkingtohim,”Siobhansays,browraised.
“I’mnot,”Liyahinsists.“I’mplanningonusinghimasanexcusetotakethefoodandrun.”
“I’llletyoudothetalking.”
“Worksforme,”Liyahreplies,andwalkstowardthebuffetwithalltheself-assurednessofsomeonewhobelongsattheparty,Siobhanatherheels.
Thespreadistrulyexpansive.It’sliketheyexpectedacrowdthreetimesthesize.Twoguysarechattingattheotherend,andfromwhereSiobhanandLiyahfirstgrabtheirplates,theycan’teveneavesdrop.Sheiscuriousinawayshewouldn’tusuallybeaboutthegoings-onoftwosuit-cladmenintheirlatetwenties.Oneguyhashisbacktoher,buttheotherseemstobetheonlyotherBlackpersoninthebuilding.ShewantstoaskhimwhatkindofOlympic-levelcodeswitchingheemploystogetthroughaweekatKinley.Heholdshimselfwithsuchunderstatedconfidence;maybehehastherightaffecttopulloffweavingbetweenAAVEandstandardEnglishmidsentence.Ifso,Liyahisenvious.Sometimesitfeelslikeshetalksonewaywithherdad’sfamilyandanotherwiththerestoftheworld.
They’veinchedtheirwaytowardtheendofthelongtable(seriouslylong,thiscompanymustpaywell)andLiyah’stryingtofigureouthowtowedgeaminiaturebaguettebetweensomemashedpotatoesandsautéedasparaguswhenshefeelssomeoneapproachinherperiphery.
“Youcame,”Danielsaysassheturnstowardhim.Hebalanceshisplate(equallyoverfilled)inonehandwithease.Thesuithewearsisnavy,butnicerthantheonefromWednesday.Shereallyshouldaskforthenameofhistailor;lapelsshouldnotliesocleanlyagainstsomeone’schest.Sheloseshertrainofthoughtsomewherearoundhispocketsquare,onlyregainingitwhenshepassesthebridgeofhisnoseandseeshiseyesflickuptohers,asifthey’dbeensomewherearoundherlips.“Wereyounotgoingtosayhello?”
“Iwouldhavegottenaroundtoit,”Liyahsays.
“Shewouldnothave,”Siobhanstage-whispersacrossthetable,makingDaniellaughandabruptlyremindingLiyahthatthereareotherpeopleintheroom.
“Ibroughtafriend.Hopethat’sokay,”shemumbles.
TheguyLiyahwaswatchingattheendofthebuffetsauntersover,clappingahandonDaniel’sshoulder.“IguessIdid,too,”Danielsays.
Theguyclearshisthroat.“Yougoneintroduceme?”
Daniellaughs.“Jordan,thisisLiyah.Liyah,Jordan.”
“Danielforgetshismannerssometimes.It’snicetomeetyou.”Jordanflashesasmile.Histeethlookbrilliantlywhiteagainstthedeepbrownofhislips.Thelineuponhisfadeisperfect,too,donetoaccentuatethemasculinesquarenessofhisface.Jordanishandsome.Almosttoohandsome,inawaythatscreamstrouble.Itfigures,though—attractivementendtobefriendswithotherattractivemen.Notthatshe’sattractedtoDaniel.She’sjust,youknow,seenhim.Jordanextendshishand,andLiyahacceptsit.
“Don’tIknowit.ThisisSiobhan.”Ratherthanreachacrossthebuffet,Siobhanoffersawave.
“Nicetomeetyou,”theysayatthesametime.
“Areyouamarketoperationsspecialist,too?”Liyahasks.
“Digitalmarketingstrategist,”Danielcorrects.
“Mymistake,I’mstillworkingonmyproficiencyincapitalismmumbojumbo.Nooffense,Jordan.”
Daniel’seyescuttoher.“WhatifI’moffended?”
“Itrulydonotcare.”MaybeLiyahshouldpausetothinkbeforesnappingathim,especiallygiventheirworkingrelationship,butherlimitedself-controlbordersonnonexistentinDaniel’spresence.
“Whatdoy’alldo?”Jordanasks.
“WeworkhereattheField.I’magraphicdesigner,”Siobhanoffers,stealingLiyah’schanceatwhatshe’ssurecouldhavebeenseveralmoreroundsofwittyretorts.
“I’manexhibitiondeveloper-slash-designer.Theslashisanimportantpartofmyjobtitle,it’seventherenexttomypictureonthewebsite.”
Jordanquirkshiseyebrow.“Andforthoseofusnotfluentinmuseummumbo-jumbo?”
“I’mprobablywhateveryou’dthinkajuniorcuratorwouldbe.”Shelooksdownatthebuffettable,grabbingasmallbutterpacketandbalancingitprecariouslyontheedgeofherplate.“Also,ifI’mbeinghonest,sometimesmyjobamountstocolonialismmumbo-jumbo.”
“Sowherecanyouwork?”Danielasks.“Withoutthemumbo-jumbo.”
Liyahshrugsnoncommittally.“Idon’tknow.Theworldisterrible.”
Siobhansnorts.“Pleasedon’tgetherstarted.”Then,inresponsetoLiyah’sglare,“What?I’mnotsayingyou’rewrong,I’msayingthatit’sFridaynight,andsomeofuswanttostealfoodandgohometowineandNetflixinpeace.”
“Wasn’tyourgrandfatherintheIRA?”
“I’msavingmycarbombforwhentheEnglishinvadeChicago.Which,bymymeasure,isnotgoingtobeinthenextthreehours.”
Liyahlaughs,thenglancesatJordanandDaniel,mildlyconcernedthatSiobhan’spitch-blackhumormight’vescandalizedtheircompany.“Well,we’reofftoscarfthisdowninacorner.Nicetomeetyou,Jordan,”shesays,turningaway.
“Wait—”Danielgrabsherarm.Histouchisgentle,undercutbyroughcallusesonthepadsofhisfingers,anditfallsawaysoquicklyshemight’vethoughtsheimagineditifitweren’tforthelingeringheatonherskinandapologeticlookonhisface.“Doyou,um,wannasitwithus?”Danielasks.
Siobhanturnsbrightred.Thisexchangeprobablyhasn’thelpedwithhernervousnessaboutseemingoutofplace.Liyah,inherstead,says,“We’renotreallydressedthepart.Don’twanttodrawtoomuchattention.”
“Ipromiseyou,nobodycares.”
“Also,we’vebeenlookingforanexcusetoheadoutforadrink,”Jordanchimesin,glancingathiswatch.“I’dsayweneedtwentymoreminutesoffacetimebeforeweescape,buty’allarewelcometojoin.”
“Well,thatsoundsaboutthirtytimesmoreexcitingthanmyoriginalplans,”Siobhanagrees,withoutconsultingLiyah.
Ifshe’dbeenupfrontwithSiobhanabouthowshereallyknewDaniel,shemightnotbeinthispredicament.Butit’stoolatenow,andbyninethirty,LiyahfindsherselfinabasementinRiverNorth.Whentheyarrivedatthebar(Daniel’ssuggestion,apparentlyhisroommateworksthere),LiyahandSiobhanwerewaryoftheunmarkeddoorinadarkalley.Siobhanevenwentsofarastowarntheircompanionsthatshecarriedpepperspray.Butreally,LiyahshouldhaveexpectedthiswhenJordanreferredtothebarasaspeakeasy.She’djustassumedhemeantthatthebarwasdimlylitwithafewvelvetchairs,butaftertheyenteredandpassedthroughanunassumingdiningarea,shewasfloored.
TheplaceistrulycommittedtocapturingProhibition-eraChicago.Thewallsarepaperedinavintageprintandlinedwithframedphotosfromthe1920s.Theremustbesignificantsoundproofing,becausethelivejazzdidn’thituntiltheyweredownthestairsandthroughyetanothersetofdoors.Liyahnursesanold-fashioned(infusedwithcigarsmokebyAlex,theroommateapparently)andlooksaround.Theconceptsoundsliketrueyuppienonsense,butinpractice,itworks.
“Thanksforjoiningus,”Jordansays,andLiyahpeelshereyesawayfromafour-foot-tallphotographofaBlackflappergirlsmokingasix-inchcigarette.
“Weshouldbethankingyou,forthedrinksandall,”Siobhansays.Liyahnodsheragreement.
Danielwavesthemoff.“It’snothing,Alexalwaysgivesusthefirstroundonthehouse.Perksofroomingwithamixologist.”
Liyahnearlychokesonherwhiskey.“Mixologist?”
“He’dkillmeifheheardmesaythat,buthedoesactuallyhaveacertification.”
Liyah,havinggulpedafewsipsofwater,liftshertumbler.“Itwaswell-earned.Thisisdelicious.”
“Mine,too,”Siobhanaddsbetweensipsofadrinkasredashercheeks.
Jordantakesahealthyswigofhisscotch.“WhoseideawasittohavethepartyonaFridaynight?It’sbeenalongenoughweekasitis.”
“I’lldrinktothat.”DanieltapshisglassagainstJordan’s.
Liyahrollshereyes.“Yes,Itrulypitythetwoofyou.Freegourmetfoodasfarastheeyecansee.Tragic.”
“ThebestweevergetattheFieldisfreepizza.Andnoteven,like,Malnati’soranything.”ThisisnotthefirsttimeSiobhanhascomplainedthatJeffnevercatersdeepdish.SiobhanlikesitsomuchthatLiyah’shalfconvincedit’sthereasonshechoseChicagowhenshegraduatedfromTrinityCollegeDublin.
“Nah,thefoodisgreat.It’smoreworkingtheroomfullofvery,verywhiteguyswhenI’msupposedtobeofftheclock.”
Liyahwinces,thefeelingalltoofamiliar.ShespentallofundergradbeingconfusedfortheonlyotherBlackwomaninhermajor.TheFieldisn’taparagonofdiversitybyanymeans,butit’sjustaboutgenderbalancedandshe’snotthelonepersonofcolorinherdepartment.
Danielgroans.“RememberlastChristmasparty?Thephotographerpracticallychasedusaroundwithhiscamera.”
“TheystillcallitaChristmasparty?”Liyahcringes.
Jordannods.“Yup.Andtheyouttheirdamnmindsiftheythinkanotherpictureofus’llconvinceanybody.Havingthesamethreepeopleofcoloronthewebsitemorethanonceisworsethannobodyatall.”
Liyahlaughs.“Theyshouldteachaclassonhowtodealwithtokenismincollege.Itwouldhavebeenmoreusefulthanmostofmygeneraleducationrequirements.Idon’tdoanymath,like,ever.”
“Ihopeit’snotrudetoask,butwhydoyouworkthere,then?”Siobhansays.Ifshe’suncomfortablewiththetopicofrace,shedoesn’tshowit.But,thenagain,she’ssharedanofficewithLiyahforthreeyears,soshemighthavebeenacclimatedbyimmersion.
“Itpays,”theysayatthesametime.
“Tobehonest,Igenuinelylikeit,”Danieladds.“Notallofit,butIdogettobeprettycreative.”
“Ilikethepeoplepart.”Jordanflashesasmile.“Gottaputthischarmtogooduse,right?”
Siobhannods,perhapsatouchtoovigorously.Liyahstuffsdownalaugh,lestshecauseafull-chestblush.Sheisthankfulherownskindoesn’tshowheremotionsquitesoplainly.Siobhanfinishesthelastofherdrink.“Ihavetousethetoilet.Liyah?”
They’rebarelyoutofearshotwhenSiobhangripsLiyah’sarmandleanstowardherear.“Areyougoingtoexplainwhyyouknewthosetwofinethingsanddidn’tthinktosharethemwithmeuntilnow?”
Liyahlaughsloudlyenoughtostartlethetabletheypassby.“ImetJordantonight,sameasyou.”
“ButyoumetDanielonWednesday!Andallyoutoldmeisthathewas‘somecorporateguywhobarelyhadonefunctioningbraincell.’”
“Isaidheprobablysharedasinglebraincellwiththerestofhisoffice.”
Siobhanpushesopenthedoortotherestroom.“Heseemsperfectlyintelligent.Youjustdon’twanttobedoingthemarketingthing.”
“You’reright,Idon’t.AndIespeciallydon’twanttobespendingmyFridaynightwithhim!Thisprojectmightgoformonths,Siobhan.I’llseehimplentyduringworkhours.”
“Hearmeout,”shesays.“Whatifyousawhimplentyoutsideofworkhours,too?Andyoubroughtme?AndhebroughtJordan?”
“Siobhan—”
“Please,Liyah.”Shepressesherpalmsflattogether,holdingtheminfrontofherpoutinglips.“Onlyafewtimes,untilIworkupthecouragetoaskJordantodrinksmyself.”
“Idon’tthinkyourealizewhatyou’reaskingofme.It’shardenoughtotoleratehiminaprofessionalcontext,I’mnotgoingtomakeittothefirsteventifIseehimmorethanthat.”
“Hecan’treallybethatbad,canhe?”
Liyahshakesherhead.“Youdon’tknowthehalfofit.”Anunderstatement.AftertheirconversationonWednesday,itseemslikeDanieldoesn’tevenknowthehalfofit.Insomeways,Liyahfeelslikeshedoesn’t,either.Thatsummerwasmorethanhalfherlifeago,anditwasneverDanielhimselfbeingunkind.Beforerunningintohim,shethoughtshehadletitgo.Butwhenshelooksathimandseesglimpsesoftheboyheusedtobe,it’shardnottofeelahotthreadofshameanddisappointmentneedlethroughherchest.“Whathappenedtoneedingtousethetoilet?”
“Iwantedtotalktoyou!”Siobhansays,confirmingLiyah’sfearthatshewasnevergoingtodisappearintothestallandforgetaboutit.“Willyouconsiderit?”
“Idon’tknowifI’mevencapableofbeingnicetohim.”
Siobhansnorts,foldingherarmsacrossherchest.“Youhaven’tbeentonight,andhedoesn’tseemtomind.”Liyahopenshermouthtoprotest,butSiobhancontinues:“Thinkofitaspractice!Orlikeavaccine.You’llinoculateyourselftoDanielontheweekends,andthenworkingwithhimwon’tbequitesodifficult.”
Someoneswingsthedooropen,andLiyahpressesbackagainstthewalltoletthemthrough.“Idon’tthinkitworkslikethat,”shegritsout.
Siobhanpoutsagain,makinghereyesgoround.Inthedimlightofthebathroom,they’rethesamepaleblueastheeyesofthehuskywholivesintheapartmentaboveLiyah.Literalpuppy-dogeyes.“Liyah,Ididallthosegraphicsforyou.Overmanylunchbreaks.Unpaid,Imayadd,so—”
“God,fine!Okay!I’llhelpyouseeJordanagain.”Sheholdsupafinger.“Butonlyuntilyourwingsarestrongenough.ThenI’mpushingyououtofthefuckingnest.”
Siobhanwrapsherinawarmhug(oneofherbesttalents—shesmellsdeliciousandappliesjusttherightamountofpressure)andwhispersthankyourepeatedlyintoLiyah’sear.
“You’retoogoodatguilt-tripping,”Liyahsaysaftershepullsback.
“Well,IwasraisedCatholic.”Siobhanwinks.“Let’sgogetthemanotherround.We’vebeeninheresolongthey’llthinkwe’vegottheshits!”
“SOTHAT’SLIYAH.Holyshit,man.”JordangivesDanielalonglook.
Danieltakesaswigofhisginandtonic.Lasthechecked,JordanwaswithNisha,butsometimeshisflingsareasshortastheyareintense,andhe’dbeengrumpierthanusualattheofficetoday.Also,Jordanwasn’tlyingabouthischarm—ifhedecideshewantstogoforit,it’susuallyadonedeal.Foraboutthreemonths,thatis.“Yeah,fromtheplane.”
“Yeah,Igotthat.You’retellingmeyoudidn’tgethernumber?”Danielshakeshishead.“NotevenherInstagram?”
“Dude,Itoldyoualready,no.”Danieltipshisheadbacktodraintherestofhisglass.Hehasafeelingheknowswherethisconversationisgoing,andhedoesn’tparticularlywanttobesoberforit.
“You’refuckinghopeless.”
Danielstaresdownathisemptyglass.“Wow,thanks.”
“No,Imean,lookatyou!Ifagirlwholookedlikethatwasflirtingwithme…”Heshakeshishead,pursinghislips.
“Antagonizing,”hecorrects.Hethinksaboutthatmomentsherealizedwhohewas—howhereyeswidenedafractionbeforesheturnedaway,howtheairontheplaneseemedtogofromstaletopositivelystiflinginmilliseconds—morethanhe’dliketoadmit.“Notflirtingwithme.”Jordansuckshisteethdisapprovingly.Danielexhales.“Seriously,man,shegenuinelydislikesme.There’salotofglaringinvolved.”
“She’sprobablyimaginingyounaked.Whichisveryclearlywhatyou’redoingtoher.”
“Ican’ttakeyouanywhere.Youwatchtoomanyromanticcomedies.Andtoomuchporn.”
“Hey,it’sgottenmethisfar.”Jordanpunctuatesthiswithadazzlinggrin.
“Yeah?How’sNisha?”
Thegrinfalters.“Iain’tgettingintoallthat.Thisisaboutyouandyourtotallackofgame.Youneedawingman.”
Danielshakeshisheadadamantly.“Dude,Itoldyou,we’reworkingtogether!Idonotneedawingman.”
“Youabsolutelydo.Luckyforyou,I’matyourservicetonight.Icandistractherfriendandy’allcanmakeaquickgetaway.”
“YouandAlexaretoomuchalike.Idon’tneedyourhelpgettinglaid.And,again,ifIdid,itwouldn’tbewithaclient.”
“Oh,soyouwantadate?Aite,thenbytheendofthenight,I’llhavemadesureyouhaveareasontoseeheragain.”HepatsDaniel’sarm.“Igotyou,man.”
“I’monthinenoughicewithherasitis.Pleasedon’t—”Danielstartstoprotest,butLiyahandSiobhanareback,carryinganewroundofdrinks.
SiobhanpassesonetoJordan,andLiyahsetsDaniel’sdowninfrontofhim,makingashowoflookinghimupanddown.“Youknow,Ireadsomewherethatlikingginandtonicsislinkedtopsychopathy.”DanielshootsalookatJordanasiftosaysee,genuinedislike.Hiseyes,unfortunately,aremetwithasubtlewink.
“Itmust’vebeenanoldstudy—wealsolikebourbonnow,”hereplies,surprisingasmileoutofLiyahasshetakesherseat.
Thefourofthemfallbackintoeasyconversation,evenwiththeconstantfearofJordanplayingamodernreimaginingofYente,sansbabushka.It’sfunbeinghere,hangingoutwithpeopleotherthanJordan,Alex,or,let’sbehonest,SweetPotato.Somewhereinthedinofthemusicandconversation,ithitshimhowmuchofahomebodyhe’sbeenasoflate.MonthsofhissisterKayla’sincessantnaggingtogooutmore,andit’sthesoulfultimbreofajazzsingerinatasseleddressthatsinksitin.Hewon’ttellKayla.She’salreadytakenontoomuchofhishappinessasherpersonalresponsibilityaseldersibling,especiallysincelastyear.Plus,shecanbeinsufferablybossy.Liyahwouldloveher.
“Liyah,checkyouremail!”Siobhanallbutshrieks.
Liyahgroans.“Please,no,it’saFridaynight.I’lllooktomorrow.”
SiobhandigsintoLiyah’spurseherselfandthruststhephoneather.“No,now.”
“God,okay!Sorry,Jordan,”shesaysbeforeunlockingherphone.Shetapsabit,thenherjawslackens.ShelooksupatSiobhan,asiftocheckthatshereaditright.Whenshenods,Liyah’sfacelightsup.“Oh.My.Fucking.God.Wegotit.”
“Yougotit.”
“Whatdidy’allget?”Jordaninterjects.Danielwouldhaveasked,hadhenotbeenbusyabsorbingthesheerjoyradiatingoffLiyah.
“Myexhibit—Jeffgottheboard—he,wow…”SpeechlessisnotalookDanielexpectedtoseeonher.
“Liyahherepitchedanentireexhibitbasedoffafewskeletonswe’reacquiring.”Siobhanfillsthemenin.“Ourboss’sbossesgreen-litit.AndI’llgettobeleadongraphics,soit’saprettybigdeal.”
“Wow.Mazeltov,”Danielcongratulatesher.
Liyah’seyesmeetDaniel’s,andshesmilesathim.Ateeth-baring,eye-crinklingsmile.Holyshit.“Thankyou.I’mbeyondstoked.I’dtrytobemodestbutrightnowI’mhonestlytooexcited.”
Jordanraiseshisglass.“Tonomodesty.”Danielsighs,theonlyoneherewhotrulyappreciateshowmuchJordanlivesuptohistoast.Theyallclinkglassesandsiptheirdrinks.ToDaniel’sdelight,Liyahhasyettowipethesmileoffherface.
“Nowyou’lljusthavetoconvinceJeffonthelandacknowledgment.”
“Ugh,Siobhan.Don’tremindme,”Liyahsays.Then,bywayofexplanation,sheadds,“It’sforthecolonialismmumbo-jumbo.Asyoucanprobablyimagine,basicallyallartifactsexhumedpriortothismillennium—andsomeafter,honestly—weretakenwithoutthepermissionoftheindigenouspeopleswhooccupiedtheland.There’saparagraphaboutitonthewebsitebutIwantsomethingbeloweverycaseintheexhibit.”
Danielfrowns.“Andyoudon’tthinkthat’sgonnabeaneasysell?”
Liyahshakesherhead.“Jeffcanbe…traditional.”
Jordanlaughs.“Wedeserveextrabenefitsfordealingwith‘traditional’bosses,amongotherthings.”
Liyahnods.“Theyshouldpayfortherapy.Orattheveryleast,ourbartabs.”
“Ifyoulotknowofanygoodsupportgroups,we’reallears.”
JordanperksupatSiobhan’swords.Ohno.There’safamiliarglintinhiseye,anexpressionDanielrecognizesfromwatchinghimpitchadcampaignstoclients.Hedoesn’tneedtosayanythingforDanieltoknowinhisbonesthatJordanhasthoughtofanopportunitytoshovehimandLiyahtogether,likelydoomingtheirnewworkingrelationship—andthereforehisfreedomtopickhisownaccounts—fromthestart.“Whydon’twestartone?Wecanmeethereanddrinkawayoursorrows.”
Danielissurprised.FromJordan,heexpectedmuchworse.
“Halfofoursorrowsarecausedbydealingwiththemiddle-agedmeninourdepartment.”LiyahusesthelittleblackstrawfromherdrinktopointbetweenhimandJordan.“Youtwowon’tgetoffended?”
Danielleansforward,holdingeyecontactforabeat.“Ithoughtyoudidn’tcarewhetheryouoffendedme?”
“Idon’t.”ShelooksfromhimtoJordan.“Myconcernisforgroupmorale.It’smeanttobetherapeutic,afterall.”
“Ah.Well,Ithinkourmasculinitywillsurvive,”Danielsays.
Liyah’sgazedriftsdownhisface,thenbackup.“Shame,”shesays,smilewicked.
Theirsparringiscutshort,yetagain,becauseDaniellaughstoohardtosourcearapid-firecomeback.
“So,what?”Siobhansaysfromherside.“Weformasupportgroup?”
Danielcluckshistongue,thinking.“No,tootame.It’sdirestuff,survivingourlatetwenties.”Afterreceivingagreementfromthegroup—withmuchlessfightfromLiyahthanexpected—hedrawsupacontractonanapkin:
HOUSERULES
Meet:Fridaynights,109(Siobhanwakesupearly),atProhibition
Anythingsaidherestayshere
Notoxicmasculinity
JordanAmes
AliyahCohen-Jackson
SiobhanGallagher
DanielRosenberg
Andthus,theSpeakeasySurvivalClubisborn.CHAPTER5
LIYAHbalancesherphoneonthewindowsillsothatbothhandsarefreetomistandwipethedustoffherlarge-leafedplants.ThisishowshespendsvirtuallyeverySunday:onavideocallwithNeenanddoingchoresaroundherapartment.
“Anyway,IthinkImaybehatemyjob,”Neensays,pullingtheirfootclosetotheirfacetoblowonfreshlypaintedtoenails.
“Showme!Andyoudon’t,youlovecoding.”Neenanglestheirphonesothattheirfeetareinfullview.Therearelittlecactusesontheirbigtoes,andtherestarepaintedaterra-cottabrown.
“Ididn’tsayIhatedcoding,IsaidIhatedmyjob.Doyouthinkeverybodyfeelsthisway?”
“Whatway?”
Theysigh.“Idon’tknow.Restless?”
“Tovaryingdegrees,probably.”RestlessisexactlyhowLiyahfeltbeforeshestartedthisnewexhibition.Nowherworkfeelsinteresting,maybeevenmeaningful,butsometimessheworriesthatifsheslowsdownforamoment,thatfeelingwillsetinagain.Liyahsighs.“Ifthey’restillhappeningwhenyouvisitinOctober,youcanjoinoneofourSurvivalClubmeetings.Complainingistheultimatecureformillennialennui.”
Neen’searsperkup.“WillDanielRosenbergbethere?”
“Unfortunately,yes.Heisafoundingmember.”
Neenside-eyesLiyahthroughtheirfront-facingcamera.“Whatdoyoumean‘unfortunately’?Iknowyou,andyouwouldnothaveagreedtothewholethingifyouweren’twarminguptohim.”
“IonlyagreedasafavortoSiobhan.”Thisisherfault,really,fortellingNeenaboutDaniel’sapology.Itcompletelyflippedtheiropinionofhim(Amanadmittinghewaswrong?Inthiseconomy?I’minlove)andsomehowconvincedthemithadflippedLiyah’s,too.Maybeitdid,butonlyinthatshelogicallyknowshe’snottrulyaterribleperson.Ithasn’tdonemuchtosoothetheshamefuluneasethatnestlesinhergutwheneversheremembersthatsummer.
“Right.”Theyraisetheireyebrows.“Ibethe’dtellmehisbirthtimeifIasked.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“You’rerelentless.”Neen,whobelievesinastrologyinawaythat’sonlyendearingwhenit’snotweaponizedagainstyou,hasrepeatedlyremindedLiyahtoaskforDaniel’stimeofbirth.Theyclaimit’sonlytodeterminewhetherLiyahandDanielweredestinedtomeetagain,buttheyalsoaskedLiyahhowshe’dthoughthelookedinasuit.Liyahwasnotfullycomfortableansweringthatforherself,letaloneforsomebodyelse.Instead,sherolledhereyes,whichgotNeenoffthesubjectofwaywardattractionsbutalsoontoanothermysticismrant(Yourandomlymettwotimesafterafourteen-yearestrangement.Twice!Andyetyoustillinsistthereisnofatetogovernyourlife).Liyahwouldhavenotedthatthekeywordwas“randomly,”butthentherewouldhavebeennopeacetobehad.
“Ihavetolookafteryou!Iflefttoyourowndevices,you’dhangoutwithliketwopeopleever.Youdon’tevenhavearealroommate!”
Neen’snotwrong.Liyahansweredanadmittedlyodd-soundingCraigslistpostingafteradisastrouspostgradroomingsituation,andnowshehasatwo-bedroominaneighborhoodshelovestoherself.TheutilitiesareentirelyLiyah’sresponsibility,butshesplitstherentwithagirlwhousestheapartmenttwiceayeartoconvinceherconservativeparentsthatshedoesn’tlivewithherboyfriend.Liyah’sstillnotsureifherroommate’snameisLaraorLaura.Amultiyearrelationshipsoundslikeanightmareifitrequireslyingtoyourentirefamilyaboutit.Actually,amultiyearrelationshipisanightmare,period.NeenistheonlypersonoutsideofherfamilythatLiyahhasmanagedtonevergetsickofordriftawayfrom.
“IhavefriendsfromNorthwestern,”Liyahargues.
“Yeah,butdoyouseethem?”
Liyahdoesn’trespond,becauseNeenalreadyknowstheanswer.Shegrabslunchorgoesoutwithfriendsfromcollegeeverynowandthen,butshe’sneverbeengreatatkeepingintouchwithpeoplewhoaren’trightinfrontofher.Andshe’sbeenevenmoreabsorbedinherjobthanusual,hencemostlyspendingtimewithSiobhan.Itworksoutthough,asSiobhanisincrediblyintrovertedandlatchedontoLiyahalmostimmediatelyaftermovingstateside.Neen,ontheotherhand,hostshousepartiesregularlyandhateshangingoutinagroupoffewerthanfourpeople.Unlessthey’rewithLiyah,ofcourse.“Well,Ihaveanactivesexlife,atleast,”shetries.
Neensnorts.“One,youhardlyspeaktothepeopleyousleepwith,sothatdoesn’tcount.Andtwo,no,youdon’t.Notanymore.I’mprettysurethelastpersonwaswhat’s-her-facewhoyoughostedaftershesaidshelikedyou.Andthatwasmonthsago!”
“Ididn’tghostIvy,anditwasn’tmonths…”Liyahpauses,realizingthatit’spracticallySeptember.Whichmakesitmonths,plural.“I’vebeenbusywiththeexhibit.”
“Yeah,andit’sstressingmeoutvicariously.Youneedtosocializemore,andyouneedtosendmeDaniel’stimeofbirth.YousaidhewasborninMadison?”
“Neen!Iamnotaskinghimforthat.”
“Oh,comeon,”theypout.“It’shardtovetpeoplefromadistance,andIwanttomakesureyouaren’tfallinginwithanyunsavorytypes.”
“What,soifyoufindouthe’saTaurusrisingorwhateveryou’regoingtoblockhisnumberfrommyphoneandsabotagemypromotion?”
“No!”Theyreplacethecaponabottleoftopcoat.“I’llonlydothatifhehasmorethanoneScorpioplacementinhisbigthree.Okay,babe.I’vegottogetsomeworkdone.Talktoyousoon?”
Liyahnods.“Loveyou,”shesays,blowingakiss.Neenreturnsbothandexitsthecall.MaybesheshouldheadtotheFieldandtrytobeproductive,too.Shestillhasn’tunpackedthedeliveryfromFriday.
Shedropsherphoneonthesofaandheadstothekitchentopackupherlaptop.Asshe’sabouttoclosethescreen,anewmessageappears.IfJeffweremorethoughtful,orperhapsadecadeyounger,hewouldkeepthenewexhibitionemailsinaneasy-to-followthread.Instead,heemailssporadicallyandoftenneglectstoincludeasubjectline.Sometimelastweek,Liyahhadgottenfedupandsetupafilterthatsearchedforkeywordsanddeliveredeverythingtoaspecificfolder.Thisoneescaped,asitcontainsbarelyasentencefragment:usesecond-centuryChinesepaper?
Fossilizedbonesaremoreherwheelhouse,buthermindisalreadyjumpingtotheimportanceofasectiononthewrittenword,andsheknewherlimitswhensheproposedtheexhibition.She’llreluctantlyaskEmiliano(hisunendurablepersonalityhasproventobeundercutslightlybyhisexpertise)tomakesenseofittomorrow.
Herphonevibratesfromthecouchcushion,andLiyah’seyesslidetotheclockonherwall.Twohourshavegonebysinceshetoldherselfshe’dgodealwiththedelivery.Liyahunfoldsherlegsandstandsuptogocheckit.
Daniel
heyliyah!it’sdanielrosenberg.weirdq:feellikeanafternooncoffee?
Sherollshereyes.Doeshethinkshedidn’tsavehisnumber?Eveniftheyweren’tworkingtogether,theSSCgroupchatisalreadysoactivethatshecannotdistinguishhisandJordan’stextsfromcontextcluesalone.
Liyah
Fullnameovertext?DidImissyour80thbirthday?
Daniel
weknowalotofdaniels
Liyah
Ihaven’tseenGrossorSchwartzinfourteenyears.
Daniel
jordanbailedonourusualtimeandican’tbetrustedtoactuallyworkinacoffeeshopbymyself
iwasabouttostartonthefieldaccount
Liyah
Youneedababysitter?Figures,you’reratherchildlike.
Daniel
clearlythiswasabadidea
Liyah
Idohaveababysittingcertificate.I’mnotgoingtoacoffeeshop,butyoucancomewithmetotheFieldtoscopeitoutandaskanyquestionsyouwant
Andunpackandphotographseveralboxesofplaquesforherexhibit.Buthedoesn’tneedtoknowthatyet.
DANIELMEETSLIYAHatasideentrancetotheFieldMuseum,pastrybaginhand.Hisstomachdoesanervousflipatthesightofherleaningonthedoortoholditopenandthesuddenrealizationthatthisisthefirsttimeshe’sintentionallyspenttimewithhimoutsideofbusinesshours.Technicallyspeaking,he’sstillhereforwork,buthe’salsokeenlyawarethattheycouldhavesavedthisforthemiddleoftheweekwhenhe’dbeinasuitandshe’dbewearing—well,notquitebusinesscasual,butalsonotsummerweekendclothes.Namely,anolive-greentanktop—probablyherfavoritecolor,shewearsitalot—andapairoftattereddenimshortsthatlookliketheyweredesignedspecificallywithherinmind.Shedoesn’tsmileasheapproaches,butshedoesn’tscowl,either.He’lltakethewin.
“Foryou,”hesays,offeringthewaxybrownpapersleeve.
Shepeersintothepastrybag.“Acroissant?”Shescanshisface,hereyesnarrowingslightly.“Youdidn’thavetogetmethis.”
Heshrugs.“Youneedthefuelifyou’regoingtobedeveloping-slash-designingonaweekend.”
Shetearsoffagenerouspieceandpointsitathim.“ThisbetternotbeyourwayofsofteningtheblowthatBrettrejectedallourproposals.Ican’tdoanotherbrainstormingsessionatPlanetNavySuit.TheatmosphereistoodifferentfromEarth’s;I’llsuffocate.”
Danielchuckles.“Alwayssosuspicious.”
Liyahsucksherteeth.“Ioftenhavereasontobe.”
“Notthistime.Thewinenight,sleep-in,andholidaypartyareallago,”hesays.“Sometimesacroissantisjustacroissant.”
“Okay,then.Thankyou.”Shestuffsthepieceinhermouth.Hereyelidsfluttershut,thesameblissed-outlookshehadatherfirstsipofcoffeeduringtheirWednesdaymeetingtakingover.Heconsiderscrackingajoke,buthe’llhatehimselfifsomeoffhandedgibemakesherstopdoingthataroundhim.
Instead,heslipsthroughthedoor,waitsforhertotakethelead,andwatchesherboundupthestepsinfrontofhim.Thoseshortsareevenbetterfrombehind,whitefraysbrushingagainstthesmoothbrownofherthighs.
“Doyouwanttoseemybabysittingcertificate?”sheasksastheyreachthetoplandingandbeginweavingthroughanarrowhallway.
“Whatexactlydoesitcertify?”
“MostlythatIknowrescuebreathingforinfantsandtoddlersandthatIwon’tgiveyoushakenbabysyndrome.”Liyahpushesthroughaslitinfloor-to-ceilingplasticsheeting,gesturingforDanieltogoinaheadofher.
Theroomiscavernousinshapeandatmosphere,boxesstrewnabout.Fivediffusespotsofwarmlighthitthefloorinthecenteroftheroom;severalmoreilluminateseeminglyrandomswathsofwhitewall.Liyahstridestowardonebox,picksupthestackofpapersthatrestsatopit,anddropstoacross-leggedseatonthefloor.
Unsurewhattodowithhimself,Danieljoinsherontheground,proppinghiselbowsonhisbentknees.“Thisiswhereyouwantedtodothewinenight?”
“No,thisispartofmyexhibit.Butwecanplanthewinenightwhileweunpackthese.”Shetosseshima—thankfullyclosed—boxcutter.
“WhydoIfeellikeyouinvitedmeheretodomanuallabor?”hejokes,disappointmentswirlingthroughhisstomach.Liyah’sinvitationisnotprovingtobethestepforwardhe’dhoped.
“BecauseIdid.Here,thisoneshouldbethesmallerplacards.Canyouunwrapthemandlaythemoutoverthere?ThenI’lldotheprintoutsofthecorrespondingartifactsandyoucanphotographthem.”
Danielrubshishandoverhischin,tryingnottolaugh.“Oh,Icanphotographthem?Howkindofyou.”
Thisearnsaneyeroll.Eyerollisamisnomer,actually:Liyahrollsherhead,too,hershouldersevenaidingtheaction.Itseemstorequireherentireupperbody.“Listen,Rosenberg.Thisneedstogetdone.SoIamgoingtodothiswhilewetalkaboutthewineeventsupposedlysomagicalthatpreviouslyuninterestedadultswillbebeggingtogiveustheirmoneyandattention.Youcanhelpme,oryoucanstandinthecornerfacingthewallwhileIwork.”
“Well,whenyouputitthatway…”Heslicesopenthefirstbox.“Ithoughtyouneededthistogowell,”Danielmutters.
Shesighs,shoulderssagging.“Idoneedittogowell.Thatdoesn’tmeanIbelieveitwill.”
“We’llfigureitout.Ineedthistowork,too,”hesays.
Liyahfurrowsherbrow.“No,like,JeffsaidthatIneedthenumbersofyoungadultmemberstogoupifIwanttomakecurator.WhichIreally,reallydo.I’msureyou’dsurviveonebadperformancereview.”
“It’snotjustaboutmyjobperformance.”HelaysoutacardthatreadsGravettianVenusFigurine,Calcite,24,000–22,000B.C.E.“IhadtopersuadeBretttoletmepickmytwomainaccounts,soifIdon’tdeliver,I’mgoingtoendupworkingwiththeworstoftheworstfortheforeseeablefuture.”
Shetiltsherhead.“Ididn’trealizeyouchosethis.”
Danielblushes.“Imean,Brettseemedhappytopawnitoffonme.”
Liyahthumbsthroughherstackofpapers,placingonewithasculptureofawomanwithlargebreasts,belly,andhipsabovetheplacard.“What’stheotheraccount?”
“YouknowtheCTA?”HeunwrapsanotherVenusplacardforonemadefromlimestone.
“DoI,aChicagoresident,knowabouttheChicagoTransitAuthority?Yeah,IthinkI’veheardofit,”Liyahdeadpans.
“Well,lookslikemyjobisobsolete.Digitalstrategy:marketed.”Liyahlaughs.It’squick,andshetriestoconcealit,butDaniel’schestinflatesalittlewithpride.“It’snotasexcitingforthefirmas,like,pharma,butIenjoyit.”
Liyahpropsherelbowontheboxnexttoherandrestsherchininthepalmofherhand.“Whydoyousaypharmalikethat?”
“Likewhat?”hemumbles,eventhoughhe’slikelyalreadygivenhimselfaway.
Shedrumsherfingersalonghercheekbone,squintingathim.“Likeyou’reallergictoit.”
Danielshrugs,avertinghiseyes.“MaybeIam.”
“Ordoyoujustliketrainsbetter?”
Liyah’sguessiswhatDanielhadleteveryoneatthefirmthink—hefindsmedicineboring.Ifhedoesn’twanttogodownthisrabbithole,he’llletherthinkthesame.
Hismouth,betrayinghismind,says,“I’mnotsointotheethicsofit.There’salotofmakingsmallchangestothesamedrugtomaximizepatentsandpricegougingonmedicinethatpeopleliterallyneedtosurvive.”Histhroattightens.“Didyouknowthatthere’sthemanufacturingcapacitytosupplymorethanenoughchemototheU.S.,butthere’sashortagealmosteveryotheryear?It’sonlyaboutprofitmargins.”Heholdshisbreath,fightingtheurgetoputhisheadinhishands.
Liyah’sgazeissteady,asifshe’sstudyinghimcarefully.Hepraysthatshedoesn’taskwhyheknowsallthat;somethingtellshimhistreacherousvocalcordsaren’tgoingtogivehisusualcannedresponseaboutaNewYorkerarticle.
Shedoesn’tpresshim.Instead,shedropsherhandfromherface,leansback,andquirksthecornersofhermouth.“Whoknewtherewasableeding-heartleftistunderthatsuitofyours?”
Hisshouldersrelax,reliefwashingoverhim.Heconstructsasmile.“There’smoretomethanmeetstheeye.”
Liyahsnorts.“Likewhat?AcollectionofsecretLtraintattoos?”
Hegesturesdownathisexposedskin—Danielrunshot,temperaturesoversixty-fivemeanshortsandasmanyundonebuttonsashecangetawaywith.Hethoughthewascleverwhenhegotthejellyfishdone,thatitwouldbeeasilyhiddenunderclothing.Asitturnsout,it’sonfulldisplayforhalftheyear.More,whenyouconsiderhowmanybuildingsinChicagoabusetheircentralheatinginthewinter.“Idon’tknowhowIwould’vekeptthemfromyou.”Liyah’seyestraildownthelineofhislegs,assessinghim,andhefindshimselflookingbackather.Thoseshortsseemtohughernarrowwaistperfectly,emphasizingthefullnessofherhipsandthighs…
Heblinks,snappinghimselfoutofitbeforehedoessomethingembarrassingwhileshesitsafootaway.Whenhefocusesbackonherface,there’sanunexpectedsubtlepinknessinhercheeks.Doessheflushlikethatwhen…
Forfuck’ssake,Daniel.Getittogether.
“Ididn’treallypegyouasanasstattootypeofguy,”shesays.“ButIguessyouneverreallyknowsomeone.”Thesecondpartcomesouttightly,andhecan’thelpbutreadintothesubtext.Theyweredoingokay,hethought.
Hedecidestogoforlevity,gaspingandcoveringhismouth.“Rats!I’vebeenfoundout.DetectiveCohen-Jacksonhasdoneitagain.”
Liyahdoesanotherfull-torsoeyeroll,handinghimaprintoutofafigurineandpointingtoitsplaceintherowofplacards.ThenextplacardreadsSelf-PortraitofaPregnantVenus,Photograph,2022.“What’sthisone?”heasks,showingLiyahthedescription.
Hereyeslightup,andshesiftsthroughthepageswithaloudrustleuntilshefindsthesheetshe’slookingfor.“Here!Foralongtime,historiansassumedthattheseVenusfigurinesweremadebymen,andthatthesecondarysexcharacteristicswereexaggeratedtocatertotheirgaze.Theytypicallyhaveminimalfacialdetailornoheadatall.Butrecently,there’sbeenamovementtoconsideranotheroption:thatthesewereself-portraits.IfyoulookataVenusfromthetopdown,itcloselyresemblestheviewapregnantpersonmighthavewhenlookingdownattheirnakedbody.”
Daniellooksattheside-by-side,andastrangefeelingspreadsthroughhim.Somethingsoancientandapictureofsomeonegrowingnewlifesorecentlyareoneandthesame.“Wow,”isallhesays.
Theirgazesmeet,andshebitesherlipandavertshereyes.“Forthewinenight,whatifwemadethepairingsrelatedtotheexhibitionssomehow?Likeeachonewastheme-basedonthecountryoforiginorthelabel.”
Danielnods.“That’sagreatidea.Wecouldhave‘tastingnotes,’bothforthefoodanddrinkandfortheexhibition.CabernetSauvignon,vintage2018withnotesofcherry.PairswellwithInsideAncientEgypt,vintage,um…”
“Twenty-fourhundredB.C.E.”Liyahsmiles.“Withnotesofnatron.That’sthesalttheyusedtodryoutbodiesformummification.”
“I’llcontactafewlocalwinebarsthisweekandseewhatwecando.See?”Danielsays.“Wemakeagoodteam.”
“Let’swaituntilwepullthisoffbeforewejumptoanywildconclusions.Istillhatethis,butit’sbetterthanbeingforcedtoturnEvolvingPlanetintoanInstagramtrap.Likehalfofthatexhibitisaboutmassextinctionevents.Idon’tthinkanyonecanmakethatsexy.”
“What’swrongwithpeoplewantingtotakenicepictures?”
“I’mnotevengonnatouchthatstatement,Rosenberg.Startthephotographs,”shesays,passingoveramid-2000s-eradigitalcamera.Justthen,herphonescreenlightsup.Shelooksdownandsmiles.
Shit.Ifhewereinterestedinher—whichheisn’t,that’ssuchahorribleideahe’snotsurehowitmanagedtocrosshismind—itwouldbeabadsign.
Danielwaggleshiseyebrows.“Textingsomebodyspecial?”
“No.Oryes,Isuppose.It’smybestfriend,Neen.”Shepauses,asifdebatingwhethertocontinue.“Youmetthem,actually.AtDan’spoolparty.”
Hefurrowshisbrow.“YourbestfriendisNeenKhatri?Tran’sNeen?”Moreimportantly,hethinks,youtalkedtoyourbestfriendaboutme?
“Neenistheirownperson.Butiftheyhadtobesomebody’s,I’dliketothinkthey’remyNeen,notTran’s.”
“Well,yourNeenisawfulatbeerpong,”Danielsays.
“Theyconvincedyoutoletthemdoacelebshotandlostyouthegame,didn’tthey?”Henods,andLiyahgrins.“Aclassicmove.Theyare…notacoordinatedperson.”
“TellthemIsayhi.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“God,no.Atleastnotuntilafteryouleave,otherwisethey’llcallanddemandthatyoureciteyourexacttimeandcoordinatesofbirthforyourzodiacchart.”
“YousayzodiacthewayIsaypharma.”
“Well,that’sbecauseIhadtolistentoNeenprattleonaboutitthismorning.”Sheswipestheboxcutterfromhissideandstartsonthenextpackage.“Theideaofdestinyisstupid.I’msittingherewithyouinanemptyexhibitionroombecauseIwantto,notbecauseSaturntoldmeso.”
Danielbeams.It’sagoodthinghetextedLiyahwhenJordancanceled;hewantstoberighthere,too.“Iwasundertheimpressionthatyouonlywantedmeformylabor.”
“Aw,you’reshort-selling.Youalsobroughtmeacroissant.”CHAPTER6
SIOBHANpushesthedrunkennoodlesaroundonherplate.“Whatifwecasuallyaskeveryonetogivetheirrelationshipstatus?”
Liyahblinksslowly,mm-hmmingtostaveoffthelaughterinherthroat.NothingaboutSiobhantakingthreesipsofherdrinkandblurtingsomethinglike,Tellme,lads,anylasseswaitingforyouathome?wouldcomeoffascasual.Assweetasthestrawberry-shapedbarrettethatclipsbackherbangs?Sure.Butnotcasual.Liyahbiteshertongue,though,becauseevensheisn’tthatinsensitive.“I’mnotsurethatwouldwork.”ShecatchesthestrickenlookinSiobhan’seyes.“Imean,asfaraslookingcasual.Honestly,youshouldjustoutrightask.Ownit,youknow?”
“Easyforyoutosay.You’realwayssobold.Iwouldturnredasafireengine.YouknowsometimesIblushsohardithurts?”
Liyahhideshersnortbehindherwaterglass,droppingherforktopatSiobhan’shand.“Idon’tmeantobedismissive.Igetit’snerve-racking.I’dthrowupifIhadtoadmithavingfeelingsforsomeone.”
Siobhanfrowns.“Bollocks,I’veseenyoudoitwithmyowntwoeyes.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“You’veseenmeselecthookups.It’seasytotellifsomeonewantstofuckyou.Especiallycismen,buteveryoneshowsitplainlyifyouknowwhattolookfor.It’snotthesameasaskingforadate.”
“Idon’tthinkIcouldbebolddoingthat,either.”Siobhansighsandtapsherphonetocheckthetime.They’vegotanotherfifteenminutesbeforetheyneedtoheadtoProhibition.
“Iknowitsucks,butbeingdirectisthebestIcancomeupwith.”
“MaybeIcouldbringupdatingingeneral?Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidea?”
Liyahnodshesitantly.“Imeanyeah,thatcouldwork.You’renotguaranteedtofindoutwhetherhe’scurrentlysingle,butit’sastart.”Liyahisn’tfondoftheidea,butSiobhanispronetoatypeofsocialnervousnessthatLiyahcan’tfullyempathizewith.Insistingondoingthingsherwaymightleadthepoorwomanastray.Still,sheisagod-awfulliar,soLiyahmakesaswiftchangeofsubject.OnceshegetsSiobhantalkingaboutthemeritsofvariousHGTVshows,Liyahshovelssomebasilfriedriceintohermouth.
Bythetimetheypaytheirbill,Liyahisatouchtoofull.She’sthankfulthatthewalktothebargrantstenminutesforherstomachtosettle.FromthelookonSiobhan’sface,ithasn’tdonethesameforher.
Whentheygettothealleyway,LiyahgivesSiobhan’shandsasqueeze.“Iseethegearsgrindinginthere.You’regoingtobefine.”
“Howdoyouknow?”Siobhanbitesherlip,lookingtowardthedoor.
Liyahgivesasmile.“Youalreadythoughthewascutelasttime.Socutethatyoublackmailedmeintohelpingyouseehimagain.”
Siobhanfrowns.“Ididn’tblackmailyou,Iguilt-trippedyou.Andyouweren’teventheonewhocameupwiththeSurvivalClub.”
“Iagreedtoit!That’smorethanenough,”Liyahsays.“Anyway,mypointisthatyouwerealreadyattractedtohim,right?”Siobhannods.“See!Youspentafewhourswithhim,andhestillwantedtohangoutmore.Youdidgreat.”
Siobhannodsagain,thistimealittlemoreenergetically.“Iguessthatmakessense.”
“Also,you’rehot.”Liyahdoesn’thavetodigdeeptofindthisreassurance;it’splainlytrue.Beyondherendearingfrecklesandbrighteyes,Siobhanissoftandwideeverywhere,bodycurvedwiththeelegantlinesofarenaissancepainting(thoughtheswellofherhipsandbellyfarsurpasswhatfifteenth-centuryEuropeansimaginedforAphrodite).HadshenotbeenLiyah’scoworkerandostensiblyheterosexual,Liyahmayhaveharboredacrushofherown.“Everybodylovesanaccent,”sheadds.ThisearnsLiyahthelaughsheintended.Satisfied,theystarttowardthebar.
TheywererunningwhatLiyahwouldconsidertobeontime(fewerthantwelveminuteslate)priortothepeptalk.Assuch,theyfindthatDanielandJordanhavealreadysnaggedatableandtheirfirstroundofdrinks.
Siobhaninhalesdeeply,herlineofsightsnappingstraighttoJordan.Liyahissurprisedathiscasualdress,thoughshesupposesintheabsenceofamandatoryworkparty,hehadtimetogohomeandchange.Hewearsaveryplain(butmuscle-accentuating)grayT-shirtandbluejeansthatarecuffedtorevealatrulyincrediblepairofNikehigh-tops.Hersixteen-year-oldbrother,Avi,wouldlovethem.Notthatheneedsmoreshoes.HiscollectionisalreadyspillingoverintotheclosetofLiyah’schildhoodbedroom.
Daniellooksdressedforanentirelydifferenteventinabutton-downthatseemstobeFrankenstein’dfromtwoseparateshirts,anoversizedpocketoncebelongingtothewhitehalfsewedontoforestgreen.It’sthekindofshirtthatneedstobeseeninbroaddaylighttodeterminewhetherit’saworkofartorbettersuitedastinderforabonfire.Shewantstobetthelatter,butthere’ssomethingabouthowitsitsonhisshouldersunderthelowincandescentlights.WhenDanielcatcheshereyeandwaves,sheseesthathisshirtsleevesarerolleduptohiselbows.
“Tellme,haveyouheardofshort-sleevedshirts?”Liyahsaysoncetheyreachthetable.
Danielpausesbeforeanswering,rightfullywary.“Asamatteroffact,Ihave.”
“Protip:ifyouwearone,youdon’thavetowrinkleyourcuffstryingtoprovetotheworldthatyouhaveforearms.”
“Hellotoyou,too.”Danielchucklesandslidestwodrinksacrossthetable.“Old-fashionedforyou,cranberrydawnforyou.”
Liyahplucksthestemoffthecherryfromherdrinkandsetsitonhernapkin.Asshechews,therestofthegroupexchangesmuchlesssnarkygreetings.
“So.”Jordancrackshisknuckles.“What’sontheagendafortherapytonight?”
“Hey!Wehaven’tstartedourdrinksyet.Thebenefitofholdingoursessionshereisthatwe’renotrequiredtobestone-coldsober,”Siobhanargues.Flirtatiously.ItseemssoeffortlessthatLiyahisconfusedastowhatshehadbeensoworriedaboutonthewalkover.
Jordanholdsuphishands.“Fine,fine.NoSurvivalClubtalkuntily’allgiveusthesignal.”
“Youknow,you’dbeatleasthalfwaythroughyourdrinkifyougothereontime,”Danielsays.
Liyahrollshereyes.“HalfthisgrouprunsonJST;Iassumedthestarttimewasmoreofasuggestion.”
“JST?”
“JewishStandardTime,”DanielandLiyahanswerSiobhansimultaneously.
Danielcontinues.“Someofushavemanagedtotranscendourethnicstereotypesinfavorofpunctuality.”
“Youwerelatetoworkyesterday,man.”
Liyahsnort-laughs.
“That’s’causeI’maCTApatron,not’causeI’mJewish,”Danielprotests.
Liyahreachesovertopathisexposedforearm.“Whateveryouneedtotellyourself,DanielRosenberg.”
THEY’REONTHEtopicofdating.Somehow,it’snotevenJordan’sfault.Thiswasboundtocomeupeventually,butthatdoesn’tmakeitanymorepleasant.SiobhanbemoansnotknowinghowtogetbackintothesceneafterbreakingupwithherboyfriendbackinIrelandayearago.Whichmeansthey’retreatedtoJordan’ssagedatingadvice,includinghowonceyoufigureoutwhichapptouseforwhat,it’seasytofindagirlyoulike.Daniel’sabouttoexplainhowwrongJordanis,butLiyahbeatshimtothepunch.
“That’sbecauseyou’reastraightBlackman.Forbetteranddefinitelyforworse,racialstereotypescanworkinyourfavorondatingapps.”Shetakesahealthyswigofherthirdold-fashioned.Danielwondersifsheordersthemforthecherry;eachtimeAlexfixesheranewone,shepopsthefruitinhermouthfirst.There’sagrowingpileofstemsonthenapkininfrontofher.“DanielandI,ontheotherhand,gettheshortendofthestick.Statisticallyspeaking.”
Daniellaughs.“Ah,soIcould’vebeenblamingitonstatisticsthiswholetime.”
Shenods.“Youcouldandyoushould.”Shepauses,considering.“Imean,wedobenefitfromcolorismandthefactthatbeingmixedis,like,atrendnow,butstill.I’dbetgoodmoneythatwomenmakeoppositeassumptionsaboutyourguys’respectiveendowments.”It’sagoodthingDanielhadpausedbeforetakinganotherdrink,orhe’dbechokingrightnow.
Siobhanturnsashadeofcrimson.“Liyah!”
“What?Therehaveliterallybeenstudiesonthis.”ShegesturestoDanielandJordanwithherstraw.“TellmeI’mwrong.”
DanielblushesasJordangivesasmugsmile.Asshole.“You’renotwrong.”
“Caseinpoint.Ihaveamillionandonehorrorstories.I’msureSiobhandoes,too.Idon’tthinkanywomansurvivesunscathed.”
Siobhanshakesherhead.“I’veneverusedtheapps,tobehonest.”
“Ah.Well,don’tlistentoJordan,Idon’trecommendit.Anddon’tgetmestartedongoldstar–obsessedlesbians.”
Danielpauses.She’sgay.ThiscatchesDanieloffguard,disappointmenttumblingthroughhischest.Misplaceddisappointment.Sincewhendothesexualitiesofhisquasi-coworkers-slash-reluctant-drinking-buddiesmattertohim?
“Lesbiansgivestarratingsforhookups?”Jordanasks,givingDanielanunwantedmentalpictureofwhathetypesintothePornhubsearchbar.
“What?No,Jordan.Gross.It’sa,like,puritything.You’reonlyagoldstarifyou’veneverhadsexwithaman,whichcutsoutbiwomenforobviousreasons.Mostpeoplearen’tlikethat,buty’know,itstillsucks.”
Okay,notalesbian.Misplacedrelief,thistime.Butjustbecauseshe’sinterestedinmeningeneraldoesnotmeanshe’sinterestedinhim.And,again,heremindshimself,itshouldn’tmatter.“Ihavetoagree.NotthatI’veeverbeenaskedaboutmystarrating.ButI’veheard‘Idon’tusuallyfindAsianmenattractive,but…’alot.”Also,thedicksizestuff,butheisreallynotkeenonrehashingthatpartoftheconversation.He’sneverhadanycomplaints,whichissomethinghemightfeelcompelledtoshareiftheykeepharpingontheideaofsmallpenises.SomethingtellshimthatwouldbreakHouseRule#3.
“See!Datingisallonappsnow,andappsareterrible.Ergo,datingisterrible.”Liyahpursesherlips.
“Well,aren’tyouarayofsunshine,”Jordansays.
Shefrowns.“Youneedtoliberateyourself,Jordan.StopsubscribingtothelieconstructedbyGodivaorwhoevertoconvinceyoutospendthirtybucksonchocolateeveryFebruary.”
“I’mlearningsomuchaboutyourworldview,”Danielsays,enjoyingthejoltinhisbellyathavingLiyah’sfullattentionshifttowardhim.“Werepuppiesinventedbylandlordssothattheycouldchargeyouanextradeposit?Issaltthebrainchildofhypertension?”
Hereyesnarrowathim.“Saltandpuppiesarereal,tangiblethings.”
“What,andloveisn’t?”Jordanasks.
Liyahrollshereyes,leaningbackinherchair.“IthinkI’vesaidenough.Idon’twanttogivepoorJordanaheartattack.”
“You’reseriouslygoingtosaythatloveisn’treal?”Jordanrepeats.
“Notlove,perse.Romance.Romanticlove,Idon’tknow.”Shewavesherhandsaround.“Mypointisthatdatingisshitty,oftenmadeshittierbyfactorsoutofyourcontrol.Thisisanobservablefact,I’mnotjustgrouchy.”
Siobhanlaughs.“You’reusuallygrouchyaboutsomething.”
“No!I’mrealistic.”
DanieltakestheopportunitytoreachoverandpatLiyah’sarm.“Whateveryouneedtotellyourself,Oscar.”ThisgarnersalightchucklefromJordan,hystericallaughterfromSiobhan,andaflesh-penetratingglarefromLiyah.
“Alright.”Sheslapsherhandsdownonthetable,standingup.“Ineedatequilashotifwe’regoingtobedoinganymoreofthistherapy.Anytakers?”There’sachorusofagreement,andshestalksofftothebar.MorepairsofeyesthanjustDaniel’sfollowtheoscillationofherhipsasshemoves.Shedoesn’tseemtonotice,andheimaginestherewouldbealotoftellings-offifshedid.Helaughssoftlyatthethought.
Soon,Liyahreturns,clutchingasaltshakerandfoursmallglassesadornedwithlimes.Together,theycompletethesalt-tequila-limeritual,resultinginvaryinggrimaces.
Liyah,facereturningtoneutralaftershesqueezeshereyesshutatthebitterness,says“L’chaim,”andslamstheglassdownonthetable.ThisbegetsHouseRule#4onthenapkincontract:
LiyahandDanielwillexplainHebrewandYiddishphrasesfortheuninitiated
“I’msurprisedyouliketequila.Iwasbeginningtothinkyouonlydrinkforthefruit.”Danielgesturestoherstashofcherrystems.
“Tequilacomeswithalime,”Siobhanpointsout.
“Youcan’tdothiswithalime,though.”Liyahplucksacherrystemfromherpileandplacesitonheroutstretchedtongue.Asshepullsitintohermouth,therestoftheSurvivalClubwatches,rapt.Hercheekssuckinandout,hertonguebobbingaroundforseveralsecondsbeforeshepinchestheendofthestembetweenhermiddlefingerandthumb.Shewithdrawsitslowly,holdingitupforthegroup.WhenDanieldragshisgazeawayfromherlips,heseesatightknotatthecenterofthestem.Hewouldnottrusthimselftostanduprightnow.Shegrinswickedly.
Danielcoughs.“Youcertainlycan’t.”
“Wait,howdoyoudothat?I’vealwayswantedtoknow!”
LiyahlaunchesintoanexplanationforSiobhan,goingbackandforthbetweenopenandclosed-mouthdemonstrations.Thankfully,thislookssillierandless…
“Youmightwannarehingeyourjaw,man,”JordanwhisperstoDaniel.
“Shutthefuckup,”Danielsays,moretightlythanintended.Sure,thegirlsaredistracted,butJordanhasabitofahubrisproblem.
Jordanliftshishandsinsurrender,laughing.“Justplaying.”
Danielshakeshishead.“I’mgoingtogetanotherround.”HetakeshisleaveandJordanreinsertshimselfbyaskingforademonstrationofhisown.Surprisingly,Liyahguideshimwiththepatienceofapreschoolteacher.
“Onesec,Daniel,”Alexsaysbywayofgreetingasheapproachesthebar.Hewatcheshisroommaterapidlyskinagrapefruitanddropperfectlycurledpeelsintofourchampagneflutes.Alexsprayswhatmustbeedibleglitterintoeachglassbeforesendingthemontheirwaywiththeserver.“Alright,roomie.WhatcanIdoyoufor?”
“Samedrinksforeveryone,Ithink.”
“Nexttime,convinceyourfriendstotrysomethingnew.Ididn’tdevelopthiswholecocktailmenufornothing,youknow.”
Danielsmiles.“Whenwhatyou’vegivenusisalreadysogood,it’shardtoventureout.”
“Whatareyoubutteringmeupfor?”Alexcluckshistongue.“Didyouclogthesinkshavingagain?”
“No.Speakingof…Ineverasked,butwhowasoverlastweek?”
Alexleansback,afewcurlsfallingawayfromhisforehead.“Howisthatspeakingofshaving?”
Danielshrugs.“It’snot,butIdidn’thaveabettersegue.”
Alexshakeshishead.“ThatwasMarc,withac,”hesays.
“WillMarcwithacbecomingaroundagain,orhaveyoubrokenanotherheart?”Danielasks.
Alexlaughs.“Onlytimewilltell,myfriend.”
Theystayuntilnearlyoneinthemorning,andSiobhanyawnsuncontrollably.Shelamentsthatshe’slikelytofallasleeponherbus,soJordanofferstosplitanUberwithher.Liyahisweirdlyencouragingofthisidea,andDanielcan’ttellifshe’seagertoensureherfriendhasawayhomesafeorifmaybe…
Betternottogethishopesup.Regardless,DanielandLiyahendupnexttoeachother,kneesjustbarelytouching—whichisinnowayintentionalonhispart—inacompletelyemptyblue-linecar.
Liyahreleasesasmalllaugh.“What?”Danielasks.
“It’sjust…it’sFridaynight.We’respendingShabbattogetheragain.Butwithtequila.”
Danielsmiles.“DoyouthinkRabbiJoewouldbedisappointedinus?”
“Oh,immensely,”shesays.
“WhenwasthelasttimeyoudidShabbatforreal?”
Liyahtiltsherhead,squinting.“Ihonestlydon’tknow.I’mmoreofatwice-a-yearJew,youknow?”
Hedoesknow.Danielcan’trememberthelasttimehewasinshuloutsideoftheHighHolidayssincehisyoungestcousin’sbarmitzvah.“PassoversedersandshulforYomKippur?”
Shenods.“IusuallymakeitinforRoshHashanah,too,soIguesstechnicallythrice.IalsolightcandlesonChanukah,butIdon’treallythinkthatcounts.”
“You’rebetterthanme.Idon’tusuallymakeitinforRoshHashanah,butIdohavedinnerwithmyfamily.”
“Idon’tthinkGodhasdoneanysmitinglately,soyou’reprobablygood.”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’tbelieveinGod?”heasks,makingeyecontactwithLiyah’sreflectionintheoppositewindow.
“Idon’t.I’minitforthetradition.IlikeknowingthatI’mdoingthesamethingJewsacrosstheworldhavebeendoingforcenturies.”
DanielthinksofHavdalahatcamp,everybodystandingarminarmaroundthecircle,feelingthewarmthoffirefromabraidedcandle,thesmellofspicesandtheblendofvoicesinsong,andLiyahtuckedathisside.Hehasn’tdoneitsince,butitwasalwayshisfavoriteritual.“Igetthat.Istillhaven’tdecidedwhatIbelieve.Theworldisaverybigplace.”
“Yeah,”shesays.“What’syourstop?”LiyahturnsherheadtolookupatDaniel,andhe’shappytohaveanexcusetolookback.They’resittingcloseenoughforhimtoseethefaintsunspotsscatteredacrosshercheeks.
Heswallows.“Damen.You?”
Hereyeswiden.“Wait,wheredoyoulive?Mine’sDivision.”
“I’minWickerPark.”
Sheletsoutawhistle.“I’montheborderofEastVillageandNobleSquare.That’scrazy,we’vebeenneighborsthiswholetimeandmetagainonaflightfromSanFrancisco.”
Danielwantstocommentonhowfriendlyshe’sbeing,butit’llruinthemoment.Instead,hesays,“Smallworld,Iguess.”
“Ah,contradictoryevidence!Doesthistipyoumoretowardfaithoratheism?”
Danielthinksforamoment,thengrins.“IfIknewtheanswertothat,Imighthavemadeupmymindalready.”
TheLEDdisplayflashesDIVISIONalltoosoon.DanielhesitatesbutdecidestostandupandofferLiyahahuggoodbye.Shelooksathimblankly,feetrootedtothefloorofthecar.HisarmsarealmostbackathissideswhenLiyahtucksperfectlyintohim,hercurlsticklingtheundersideofhischin,warmthspreadingfromeverypointwheretheirbodiesconnect.Shesmellsfaintlyoftequila,butalsooflavenderandsomethinghecan’tquiteputhisfingeron.Beforehehastimetodebatewhatitmightbe,she’sgone.
SSC#3MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Jordan
????Talkingtobosses
????FromSiobhan:notsurehowtoendcasualconversationw/boss
????Liyah:sayyou’reexcitedtogetbacktowork
????Daniel+Jordansecondthis
????Jordan:personalquestionsyoudon’twanttoanswer?
????Siobhan:subjectchange
????Dating
????FromLiyah:“literallyallyouhavetodotogetaguytosleepwithyouistouchhisarm”
????Siobhan:thatcan’tbetrue
????Daniel+Jordancanneitherconfirmnordeny
????Generaladultlife
????Siobhandoesn’tunderstandAmericantaxsystem
????Explanationtoodifficultoverdrinks,willreturntoitinspring
????Everyone:Daniel+Alexneedrenter’sinsurance
????Dumbass
????Ruleaddition:5.SiobhanmustexplainGaelicwordsandIrishslangCHAPTER7
WINDYCityWineandCheeseisaconvertedwarehousespacejustbeyondtheFultonMarketDistrictneonsign(designedwithacombinationofhorizontalandverticaltextthathaslaunchedSiobhanintoarantaboutlegibilityintypographyonmorethanoneoccasion).Thedécorisapropostothearea,withexposedbrick,highceilings,woodbeams,andbrassfinishes.ButPeter,theowner,looksmorelikehe’sbeenpluckedstraightfromthePacificNorthwest:aplush(mostlysilver)mustache,curlsescapingthebackofhisbeanie(suggestingamulletofthetattooedleftyratherthanthehairmetalvariety),andaPendletoncrewneck(despitethisearlySeptembereveningbeingaltogethertoowarmforwool).Hisskinissmoothsavefordelicatelydefinedwrinklesatthecornersofhiseyes.Liyahcan’tdecidewhetherhe’sinhislatethirtiesandspenthistwentiesonthekindsofadventuresthatearnyousmilelinesandgrayhairs,orinhislatefortieswithadiligentdietofwheatgrassandgreensmoothies,finewineashisonlyindulgence.
Petertwirlstheendofhismustacheashereadsoverthelistofthefiveselectexhibitionsandtheiraccompanyingsynopses.Hefrowns,whichverywellcouldbeafacialticthatmeanshe’sconcentrating,buthasLiyahnervouslyshiftingonherstoolnonetheless.“Iknowthatsomeofthesearen’tactualwine-tastingnotes.Like,I’mprettysure‘earthy’is?Butwe’dprobablyhavetogetcreativefortheoneaboutmummificationsalt.Whichisokay,ofcourse,”tumblesoutbeforeshecanstopherself.Danielrubshishandoverhismouth,asiftryingnottolaugh.Liyahclaspsherhandstogether,tryingnottosmackhim.
“Salinityisaveryimportantcharacteristicofwine,tastedalongtheouteredgeofthetongue,”Petersays.
“Wineissalty?”Liyahlaughs.ShecanfeelDaniel’sglare.Mentally,shereturnsittwofold.
Peterchuckles.“Notallwine,no.”
“Asyoucansee,we’renotwineexperts,”Danielsays.“That’swhereyoucomein.Perourproposal,wehavethebudgettodofiveexhibitionpairings,withoneofyourbartenders—”
“Connoisseurs,”Petercorrects,straight-faced.
BothLiyahandDanielstareathimblanklyforamoment,andLiyahfeelsthegentlepressofDaniel’ssneakeroverthetoeofhermulebeforehecontinues.“Right,oneofyourconnoisseursateachexhibition.”
“Aw,I’mjustyankingyourchain!”Peterslapshisthigh,andLiyahdecidesthatdespiteinitialappearances,he’sinhisearlyfortiesandveryMinnesotan.“Shouldaseenthelookonyourfaces!Thisallsoundslikeagooddealtome.I’mnotmuchofamuseumguymyself—they’retooboringforwords—butthat’snothingalittlewinecan’tfix.”
“Thenyou’reexactlyourtargetaudience,”Liyahsays,plasteringasmileoverherirritation.ThepressureofDaniel’sfootincreasessharply.
Peterisbacktomustachetwirling.“I’vegotsomeideasforyou.OkayifIgrabacouplebottlesfrom’roundbackanddoatasting?Icantalkyouthroughthenotesandwecanpicktheonesyouguyslike.”
“Perfect,”Danielreplies,anddoesn’treleaseLiyah’sfootuntilPeterdisappearsthroughthedoorbehindthebar.
“Ow,”shehisses.“Iwouldhavebehaved.”
“Idon’tbelievethatforasecond,”hesayswithashakeofhishead.
“HeknowswhereIwork!Thatwassuchanunnecessarycomment.”
“Right.Becauseyou’resogoodatkeepingyouropinionstoyourself.”
Liyahfoldsherarmsacrossherchest.“Inaprofessionalcontext,Icanbe.”
Danielscansherface,theleftcornerofhislipstuggingupward.“Ihavethreesolidweeksofevidencetothecontrary.”
“Youareaspecialexception,Rosenberg.”
“He’snotwrong,youknow,”hesays.Liyah’seyeswiden.“No!Notaboutmuseumsbeingboring.Aboutpeople’sboredombeingfixedwithwine.”
“Ifyouhavetodrinktoenjoysomething,thenyoushouldn’tbedoingit,”Liyahargues.
“SaysthewomanwhotakesashoteverytimeJordantriestogethertotalkaboutdating.”
“You’reexactlyright,”sheretorts.“Ihavenobusinesstalkingaboutmyfeelings.”
WhenPeterreturns,he’spushingacartthatclarifiesthatthesomepartofsomeideaslooselytranslatestoafuckton.Thereareatleasttwentybottlesofvariousred,white,andpinkwines.Single-ouncepoursaddupmuchfasterthanLiyahwouldhaveguessed,andshesoonfindsherselftipsyandgigglingalltooeasilyatwhateverPetersays.
Peterstartsonanexplanationofthetastemap(whichLiyahisalmostcertainispseudoscientific)andinstructsthemtoholdouttheirtonguesandstrokethedifferentregionshedescribes.LiyahturnstoDaniel,expectingtolaugh.Theimageofhimslowlyrunninghisindexfingeralongtheoutlineofhistongueisridiculous,yes,butLiyahisalsocompletelyunpreparedforhowherbreathhitches,herowntastebudsfeelingthephantomroughnessofhiscallusesasheaddshismiddlefinger,too.Intenselyerotic,undeservedlyso.
Sheswallowsherentirepourofagrenacheandfeelsitsaciditynotontheinnersidesofhertonguebutinherwholemouth,coatingheresophagus.Liyahcoughs,andPeterjokesthatifshedidn’tlikethatone,shecouldhavesaidso.Shemumblesaresponseabouthowit’sfine,good,even.Somethinglikethat.Hermindistoocloudy,andhercheeksaretoowarmtoknowexactly.Allsheknowsisthatshe’shurtlingtowarddangerousterritory,andshedesperatelyneedstochangecourse.
THANKSTOTHEIRnewlysacredFridaynights,DanielhasseenLiyahtipsyafewtimes.It’sdifferenthere,somehow,withoutSiobhan’sdeeplymacabresenseofhumororJordan’s—what’stheoppositeofself-effacement?—tobuffer.Whenshelaughs,bright-eyed,it’sallforhim.Orathim,butstill.
There’sanextraintensitytoLiyah’sattentionwhenshehashadabittodrink.Whenit’spointedatDaniel,hefeelsnotlikeheistheonlymanintheroom,butlikeheistheonlythingthatexistsintheuniverse.Thatifheweretolookaround,he’dfindhimselftransportedtoablankvoidwithnaughtbutthetwoofthem.
Hewasinthatvoidwithhermostofthenight,butaswitchflipped,andnowit’slikeshe’llpayattentiontoanythingbuthim.HefeelsatouchofreliefastheyagreeontheirtopfivewinesandexchangehandshakesandgoodbyeswithPeter.Theyspilloutontothestreet,makingtheirwaytowardtheGrandLstation,andDanielisthankfulforthenightbreezecoolinghisneckandforearms.
“Youknow,”hesays,lookingdownatLiyahasshestridesbesidehim.She’safastwalker,easilykeepingpacewithhislongstride.“There’snothingwrongwithmeetingpeoplewheretheyarewiththeseevents.”
Liyahlooksupathim,thatlaserfocusofherswarminghisface.“Iknowyouthinkthat.You’remostcomfortablewhenyou’reloudlywrong.”
Shedoesn’tseemlikeshe’sjoking.Daniel’sshoulderssag.“Right,yeah.I’manidiot,untrustworthy,yadayada.Whatever,Liyah.”
Liyahlaughsthroughhernose.“Gladyou’reself-aware.”
Daniel’schesttightens.“SometimesIcan’t—Imean,areyoureallythatmuchofanideologicalpuristaboutthis?Peopleshouldeithercareaboutnaturalhistoryasmuchasyouortheyshouldn’tbotheratall?”heasks.
“No,ofcoursenot!Thisjustfeelssopointless.”
“It’snotpointless,Liyah.It’sagoodwaytogetpeopletothemuseum.”
“Fortheevents!”Hergazecutsuptohim.“It’sagoodwaytogetpeopletothemuseumfortheevents,notforthemuseum.So,whatwillthatleaveus?Someextrapatronsforthenight?That’snotwhatmybossislookingfor.Andit’snotwhatmyboss’sbossesarelookingfor.Theywantsustainedmembership.DespitemymanymisgivingsaboutJeff,hedoesactuallycareabouttheField.Theboard—oratleastsomepeopleonit—onlycareaboutthenumbers.Andtheythinkwehavetobetrendytodothat.Like,sorry,noteverythinglooksperfectonyoursocialmediafeed!Butsometimesit’sinterestinganyway.”
“Whynotdotheeye-catchingexhibitsandfuneventstogetpeopleinthedoor?Won’ttheystayfortherestofit?”
“Sure,whynot?”Shegivesasarcasticshrug.
Danielignoresthebait.“Well,regardless,thewinenightisgonnabegood.Trustme,”hesays,towhichLiyahscoffs.Hestopsinhistracks.Ittakesherahalfsecondtorealize,soshepausesjustaheadofhim.
“What?”shedemands.
“You’reseriouslystillmadaboutMaccabiah?”Herlipspressintoaharshline.“Youare,aren’tyou?Comeon,Liyah,wealreadywentoverthis—itwasn’tmewhotookyouridea!Andhonestly,evenifitwas,thatwasadecadeandahalfago.Isn’tthatalittlelongtoholdagrudgeaboutcolorwars?”
HewatchesLiyahpressherhandsintoherthighs,asifrestrainingherself.“Itwasn’tonlyaboutcolorwars,”shesays.“Youtoldpeople.”
Danielshakeshishead.“Itoldpeoplewhat,exactly?”
“Iaskedyounottotellanybodythatwewerehookingup!Yougavemeyourword,andyetsomehowyourwholecabinknewenoughtostealmybrasofftheclotheslineandsharpiePropertyofRosenbergoneverysingleone.Andthat’sprobablythenicestthinganybodysaidtomeaboutit.”
Danielfurrowshisbrow.“Liyah—”hestarts.
“No!”sheinterrupts.“Youdon’tgetit.Itwasdifferentforgirlsinmiddleschool.Imean,honestlyitstillis,insubtlerways,butthat’sbesidethepoint!Weweren’tofficiallytogether,andwemadeout,whichmadeyouhotshitandmeaslutintraining.”
ThefirstthoughthehasisIwouldhavemadeusofficialinaheartbeat,butevenashisheartslamsagainsthisribcage,hecantellhowunhelpfulthatwouldbe.Instead,hefiresbackwithhissecond:“Inevertoldanybody!Grosssleptonthebunkbelowme,andheknewIwassneakingout.Ideniediteverysingletimeheasked,buthehadthebiggestmouthintheboys’shetach,youknowthat.”
“Evenifthatweretrue,Rosenberg,youdidn’twarnme,”shespitsout.“Ihadtobearthebruntofitcompletelyonmyown.”
“Youranawayafterclosingceremoniesandrefusedtotalktomefortherestofthesummer.HowwasIsupposedtowarnyou?Carrierpigeon?Whatdoyouwantfromme?”Hewaveshisarms.Liyah’seyesfollowthemovementandherfrowndeepens.“SorryIdidn’tunderstandtheintricaciesofmisogynywhenIwasinmiddleschool.”
“Yeah,well.It’snotlikethatwaseventhelasttimewhoIwasorwasn’twithbecameatopicofcontroversy.Peoplespinwhatevernarrativestheywant,andifyoudotheslightestthingtoconfirmit,thenthat’swhoyouareforever.Ifthere’saboyandagirlinvolved—oramanandawoman,forthatmatter—theboyalwayscomesoutsmellinglikeroses.Whenyou’retheunluckygirl,you’reonyourfuckingown.Whetherit’sassholesatsummercamp,orassholesinhighschool,orassholesincollege.It’sallthesame.Whetherwhathappenedwasyourfaultorhisorneitherorboth,it’sallthefuckingsame!Overandoveragain.Yougotcongratulated.IlostwhateverfewfriendsIhad.Soyeah,maybeyouweren’ttheonepointingfingersandcallingnames,butyouweresupposedtobemyfriend.Youweresupposedtobemyfriend,andyoudidn’tstickupforme.Nobodystuckupformebackthen.Imightaswelldoitnow.”Herchintiltsupasshesaysthis,jawclenching.Alwaysthepictureoftough,buthisheartbreaksalittle.Herunsthestringofwordsthroughhisheadagain,anditfeelsevensadder.
“Oh,”hewhispers.
Sheholdsupherhands.“Please,Idon’twantyourpity.”
“That’snotpity,Liyah!It’ssympathy,andahealthydoseofguilt.”Danielrubsthebackofhisneck.“IknowIsaidthisalready,butIreallymeantit.Iwasaninsecureidiot.Youwere—”Hestrugglestofindthewords.“Iknewsomeofthatwashappening—the,um,brathing,atleast—butyoualwaysjustblazedonwardlikeitwasn’taffectingyou.IthoughtyouwerethecoolestpersonIhadevermet,andIfeltrejectedandcaughtupinmyownshitwhenyouignoredme,soIdidn’tseewhatwasrightthere.Ofcourseitwasaffectingyou.Ishouldhaveknown.I’msosorry.”
Liyah’sfeaturessoften,andDanielisremindedofthatnightintheobservatory.Thatlookoftrust.It’smuchrougheraroundtheedgesthanithadbeen,lessconsuming.Buttheechoofitisthere.“Thankyou,”shesays.
“I’msorryforwhatIsaidearlier,too.Thethingaboutnotunderstandingmisogynyinmiddleschool.Itwasareallyfucked-upthingtosay,sinceyouhadtoactuallyexperienceit.”Liyah’seyesgoglassy.Danielstepstowardher,hesitant.Shedoesn’tmoveaway.“CanIhugyou?”
“Sure.”Shemovesforward.“Butonlytomakeyoufeelbetter.”
“Okay,Liyah,”hesaysintothehairthatpushesagainsthisface.Heinhalesashewrapshisarmsaroundher,breathingherin.Wineandlavender,ahintofcocoa,hethinks.Thisisthethirdtimethey’vehugged—notthathe’scounting—andhecan’tdenythathisbodylovesthefeelofheragainsthim,howshetuckssoneatlyunderhischin.Hisskintingles,bloodthrumsinhisveins.
“Youreallydidn’ttellanybody?”shemurmursintohischest.
“Ididn’t,Ipromise,”herepliessoftly.Anothersecondpasses,andthentheyseparate,Danielclearinghisthroat.“Arewegood,Cohen-Jackson?”
“Yes,Daniel,”shesays.“We’regood.”
SSC#4MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Daniel
????Work/lifebalance
????Liyahmadea“what’sthat”joke.Everyoneisconcerned
????Sheinsistsitisjustajoke.Stillconcerned
????Jordan&Danielsuggestrockclimbing
????Siobhansuggestsspinclass
????Liyahsuggestsyoga
????Jordanhasviolatedrule#3bycomplainingthatyogaistoogirly
????Dating
????Jordanneedstospendsometimesingleholyshit
????Jordaninsistsheisnotaserialmonogamist.Nobodybuysit
????Generaladultlife
????Jordanisagrownmanwithdisposableincomeandthereforeheneedsabedframe
????Dumbass
????Jordanfeelsthathehasspentmostofthenightunderattack.Everyonedisagrees
????Ruleaddition:6.Jordanmayreferencehischarmnomorethanoncepermeeting
????Jordanclaimsthisisproofofpreviousnote.EveryonedisagreesCHAPTER8
LIYAHisdrunk.Notfour-drinks-over-four-hoursbuzzedthewaysheusuallyisatSurvivalClubmeetings,butproperlydrunk.Whichexplainswhyshecannot,forthelifeofher,stopstealingglancesatDaniel’schest.HiseyesareonSiobhannow,laughingatsomethingshesays,soLiyah’sgazeslidesover.Thetoptwobuttonsofhisshirtareundone,andanytimeDanielleansbackorturnstotheside,thefabricfallsopenabit.Hisskinislightlyflushedandamoleontheleftsideofhissternumisplayinganexceedinglyfrustratinggameofpeek-a-boo.Thisishisfault,really,fordecidingthathisbutton-downneededtoshowoffhischestinsteadofjustthestandardforearmdisplay.
Sheisdefinitelydrunk,becauseduringthisparticularglance,shefailstopullhereyesawayfastenoughandDanielcatchesherstaring.
Hesmirks,bringinghishanduptorubhischin.Theringonhispinkyglintsinthelowlight.“Avidinterestinmyshirtchoice,Liyah?”
“I’mjustwonderingwhereyoufindthese.IsthereaboutiquesomewhereinWickerParkthatspecializesincasualbutton-downswithheadache-inducingprints?”Thisoneiscoveredinwatercoloredoranges.It’snotbad,especiallysinceitmatchestheorangeandgreenaccentsonhissneakers,butsomehavebeentrulyawful.Lastweekheworesomethingthatcouldhavebeenscrapedoffabusseatfromtheeighties.
“Oh,you’relookingforawardrobemakeover.”Hiseyesrunupanddownherslowly.Sheknowshe’sdoingthistoemphasizehispoint,butgoosebumpseruptacrossherskin.“Icanseewhy.Idon’tknowanywherethat’sopenthislate,though,soyou’llhavetoholdyourexcitementinuntiltomorrow.”
“I’lltakeyourfashionadviceovermydeadbody,”Liyahfiresback.
“I’llmakesuretobringagoodoutfitselectiontoyourshivahouse.”
“HouseRulenumberfour!”SiobhanandJordansayinunison,notforthefirsttime.
LiyahlooksatDanielexpectantly.Aspertheirtacitagreement,it’shisturntoexplain.Hetakesasipofhisdrinkandsays,“It’swhatyoucallthehomeofthemourningfamilyfortheweekafterthefuneral.”
“Shivameansseven,forsevendays,”Liyahadds.
Jordanshakeshisheadinresponse.“Y’allarefuckingdark.”
“Idon’tknow,Ithinkitwasagoodone,”Siobhansays,muchtoLiyah’schagrin.Asithappens,herdispleasureseemstobesynonymouswithDaniel’sdelight.
Liyahtakesadrinkfromherglass,somesurprisecocktailthatAlexinsistedtheyalltry.It’sginger-heavyandprobablysugaryenoughtogiveheraheadachetomorrow,ifthetequilashotshaven’talreadyensuredone.Shedecidestochangethesubject.“Danieljustwantstoavoidgivingawayhistradesecrets.”
Siobhanclapsherhandstogether.“Right,backtoEmailingLikeaMan101.Don’tyoutrytogetoutofyourSurvivalClubduties—wehadtoexplainwhyyouneedabedframewhenyou’reflushandovertwenty-twolastweek.”
“Thanksforthat,bytheway,”Jordansays.“Yousetmebackacouplehundredbucks.”
“Well,Ialreadyhadabedframe,”Danielinterjects.
“Goodforyou,man.Nobodyevercomplainedbefore.”
Liyahlaughs.“Maybenottoyourface.”Shemakesagetonwithitgesture.“Theemailworkshop.IwouldlikeitonrecordthatI’mlisteningoutofcuriosity,notbecauseIbelieveIshouldchangemybehavior.Notabigfanofleaningin.”
Achorusofgroansgreetsher.“Okay,Liyah,”Jordansays.“Yougotanexample?Handitover.”
Siobhanscrollsaroundherin-boxbeforepassingherphoneofftoJordan.HeandDanielhuddlearoundthescreenwithconcernedexpressionsontheirfaces.
“Okay,firstofall,youneedfewerexclamationpoints.”DanielbacktrackswhenheseesSiobhan’sfrown.“Sorry,it’snotterrible.It’sjustthateveryothersentenceiskindofalot.”
“See,”Liyahsays.“Itoldyouagoodruleofthumbisthreetofive.”Jordanlaughs,andnowit’sLiyah’sturntofrown.
“No,tryone.Max.”
DANIELISTHANKFULforthecollectivedecisiontoforgotheirusualfewroundsinfavorofseveral.He’sspenttheentireweekdreadingtheupcomingholidays.Sure,it’llbenicetoseeKaylaandhismotherforRoshHashanah.It’llalsobenicetoseethefood,asKaylasweetensherchallahtoringinthenewyearwithchocolatechipsinsteadofthetraditionalraisins.Buthecan’thelpbutfeellikethetablewillbepainfullyemptywithonlythethreeofthem.Andsincehedoesn’tplantomakethetwo-hourdriveouttoMadisonnextWednesdayforYomKippur,he’sgoingtobetotallyaloneforservices.He’sheardgriefgetsharderaroundChristmastime,andhesupposesthatthisistheJewishequivalent.
ThequantityofalcoholDaniel’sconsumedhaspreventedhimfromthinkingaboutit,oratleasthelpedhimletthethoughtspassbyinsteadofdwelling.He’sstruggledthewholeweektryingtoworkaroundtheknotinhischest,butitappearsthattheknotisnomatchforbourbon.Theonlydownsideofhisdrunkennessisthathe’sevenmoreawarethanusualofhisattractiontoLiyah.Herlipsarepaintedaverydistractingcolorofred,andhe’sonlymanagingtolookathereyeshalfthetimeshetalks.ThankGodAlexgotheroffherusualold-fashioned;Danielwouldn’tsurvivewatchinghertieacherrystemrightnow.
Liyahkickshimunderthetable.“Payattention,dummy,”shestage-whispers.
“Iwas!”Hewasnot.
“Ohyeah?What’sJordantalkingabout?”
Heventuresaguess.“Love?”
Liyahscanshisfaceasiftryingtodetermineifitwasaluckyguess.Danielblinks.Eventually,shehuffsandturnsherfocustotherestofthegroup.Danieldoesthesame.
“Wait,soyou’resayingyouhadyourfirstkissandthenlostyourvirginityinthesamenight?”Siobhan’seyesarewide,aghast.Danielhasn’theardthisparticularJordanstorybefore,anditpiqueshisinterest.
Jordanwearsacheekysmile,thetypethatmakesDanielappreciatetheextentofhisfriend’scharm.“Itwasapassionatemoment.”
“No.Youcan’tleaveitatthat.Goon,”Liyahdemands.
“ImayhaveimpliedthatIwasmoreexperiencedthanIwas.ButwhatwasIgonedo?Shewaspopular.”
“Youweren’t?”Siobhanseemstrulyastonishedbythis.Shetriestocoveritquickly,butDanielknowsawomanenamoredwithJordanwhenheseesone.HiseyesflicktoLiyah.Ifsheknows,shedoesn’tleton.
Jordansmirks.“Ididokay.Butshewasdating-the-starting-point-guard-typepopular.Hecheatedwithmostofthecheerleadingteam,andIofferedmyshouldertocryon.”
Danielsmiles.Typical.“Whilespittingasbigagameasyoucould,I’mguessing.”
“YouknowhowIdo.SheneverfoundoutIwasavirgin,andwedatedforawholeyear.”
“VeryJ.Coleofyou.”Liyahliftsherglass.“I’mimpressed.”Jordanclinkshiscupagainsthersandknockshisdrinkallthewayback.
“Okay,nowthatI’vetoldmyembarrassingstory”—LiyahandSiobhanexchangealookatJordan’sefforttoplayoffhisbrag—“someoneelsehastotelltheirs.”
“Firsttimeforsexorakiss?”Danielasks,halfjoking.
Jordantakesthequestiononitsface.“Either.Bothifyouwant.”
“Okay,I’llgofirst.Thenwe’llgoaroundthetable,”Siobhansays.
Daniel’seyesslidetoLiyah,waitingforhertoprotest.Sheknowsfullwellthatthey’lltellthesamestory.Butshenodsheragreement,nevermeetinghisgaze,wearingthatsamealcohol-brightenedsmile,likeshetrulycouldn’tcareless.Danielmimicshernod,dazed.
“Alright,Iwasinsixthclass,”Siobhansays.
“Ihopethisisthekissstory,”Liyahsays.
“Itis!Itwastheblokewhogrewupnexttome.Wewentcyclingaroundtheneighborhoodtogether,andthenItoldhimIlikedhim.Hefull-onsnoggedme.Itwaskindofgross.Tonguesareweirdifyouthinktoohardaboutthem,right?”Everyonenods.
Whenshedoesn’tcontinue,Jordanasks,“Andtheotherstory?”
“Eh,lessinteresting.Tooksomeonehomefromapubonmyeighteenthbirthday.Theutterlyhorriblebeginningandendofmyone-night-standcareer.”
Liyahfurrowsherbrow.“Wait,soyou’veonlyhadsexwiththreepeople?”Siobhanturnsanimpressivelydeepshadeofred.“OhGod,I’msorry.Ididn’tmeanto…fuck.”Liyahreachesforhercocktailasiflookingforawaytobusyherself,buttheglassisempty.
“It’sokay,Iknowit’snotthatmany.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“No,no!IsometimesforgetthatmeandNeenbothhavekindahighbodycounts.I’madumbass.You’renormal.Imean,anynumberisnormal.Becausethere’snorightwayto…Daniel,canyougobeforeIburymyselfdeeperinthishole?”
“Um,firstkiss…Iwasthirteen?Ithink.”Danielgulps,tryinghisbestataneasytone.It’sonethingforLiyahtoagreetodothis,butanothertopushhimtoshare.Helooksdownathisdrink,attheprintofa1920smobster,atthemercuryglassmirror—really,anywherebutLiyah—feelinglikehiseverymovementmightgivehimaway.“ItwasatJewishsleepawaycamp.Wesnuckoutofourcabinsandmadeoutonthearcheryfield.”
“Arrowsareveryromantic,”Jordansays.
“Itwasthemiddleofthenight,soCupiddidn’tmakeanappearance.I’msorrytodisappoint.”
“DanielandIwenttothesamecamp,”Liyahsays.
“Wait,what?”Siobhansays.“Youguyswerechildhoodfriends?”
Liyahfiddleswithherstraw,wavingSiobhanoff.“That’sbesidethepoint.Theywouldleaveseventeen-to-nineteen-year-oldcounselorsinchargeofthirteen-year-oldsanditwaspracticallytheWildWest.”Daniellooksather,directlynow,hisheartinhisthroat.Herlipscurveintoasmugsmile.“Ididn’thavetosneakout,though.Shesleptinthebunkaboveme.Theyreallyforgetaboutgaypeoplewhentheymakegenderedcabins.”
Hisstomachdrops.Iwasn’therfirstkiss?
“I’mstuckonthefactthatyoulotkneweachotherandsaidnothing,”Siobhansays,lookingatLiyah.“Iwasundertheimpressionthatyourissuewithhimbeganandendedwiththemarketingprojectyoudidn’twanttodo.”Liyahwiltsslightlyunderhergaze.
“Well,Ihadn’tseenherinfourteenyears,”Danieltries.
“Andweweren’t,like,closefriends,”Liyahadds,herwordsspreadinglikevenomthroughhisveins.
“Isthatwhereyoulostyourvirginity,too?”Jordanasks.
“No,noteverybody’saspeeddemonlikeyou,sir,”Liyahshootsback.Jordansmirks.“Stopsmirking,Jordan.”
“Can’t,myfaceisjustlikethat.So,what’sthestory?”
Liyahmakesafaceasthoughthedrinkshe’ssippingislongexpired.“Hardpass.”
Jordandoesn’tseemtotakethehintbecausehe’sabouttopresson.Danielstopshimbeforehecanstart.“Mine’sagoodstory.Itwasmysenioryearofhighschool,andmyparentsweregonefortheweekend,soIinvitedmygirlfriendover.Tosetthescene:candles,lavalamp,theworks.”
Siobhansnorts.“Lavalamp?”
“Isaidtheworks.Andthen,mysisterwalkedin.Shedidn’tevenknock,justpulledthedoorrightopen.Apparently,shedidn’tknowthatmyparentswereoutoftownandwhenthehouseseemedempty,shethoughtwe’dallbeenmurdered.Shewentbackdownstairsandgotinhercaranddrovebacktoherdormwithoutsayingasinglethingtome.”
JordanlaughsandSiobhangaspsatthepunchline,butLiyahjustlooksrelieved.Hedoesn’trealizejusthowrelieveduntilhalfanhourlaterwhenthey’rewaitingontheLplatform.
“Thanksfordoingthat.Tellingyourembarrassingstory,”shesays,staringintentlyathershoes.
“WhosaidIwasembarrassed?Itmightbeoneofmyproudestmoments;IstillmanagedtogetusbothtothefinishlineafterKaylainterrupted.”Itwassoembarrassingthathecouldn’tlookKaylaintheeyesforalmostamonthafterward,buthewantstogiveLiyahanout.
Shedoesn’ttakeit.Instead,shelooksstraightupathim,holdinghisgazeforalongmoment.“Thankyou.”
Danielswallows.“You’rewelcome.”Thetraincomes,andtheyboardincomfortablesilence.Hefeelsimpossiblytirednow,andheleanshisheadontheprobablyfilthypolethatheandLiyahholdonto.Hishandgripsthebarjustabovehers,sothey’remillimetersfromtouching.Inhisdrunken,sleepystate,he’stemptedtoclosethegap.
“I’mdrunkerthanI’vebeeninawhile,”shesays.
“Metoo.Youknow,”Danielstarts,lookingdownatthefluorescentlightsdancinginheririses.“Thatsummer,youtoldmethatIwasyourfirstkiss.”
Liyahgrins.“No,Ididn’t.”
Heshakeshishead,andhishandslipslower,theundersideofhispinkypressingalongthelineofherthumb.“Youdid.Irememberaskingyou.”
Sherakesherteethoverherbottomlipslowly,andwhenshe’sdone,hersmilespreadsevenwider.“YouaskedmeifI’deverkissedaboybefore,andIsaidno.Whichwasthetruth.”
Danielsqueezeshiseyesshut,pressinghisfreehandtohisforehead.“Oh,God.”
Liyahpullshishandaway,herlaughterricochetinginthesparselypopulatedcar.“WeirdQ,”shesays,thenpauses,asifmakingsurethatDanielrealizesshe’smakingfunofhistextmessagethatonetime.“WhatareyoudoingforYomKippur?”
Heshrugs.“GoingtoservicesandtryingnottothinkabouthowhungryIam,Iguess.”
“Wanttogowithme?”
“Really?”
ShestumblesintohimasthetrainlurchestoahaltattheChicagoAvenuestop.He’ssurprisedathoweasilyhishandfindsherlowerbacktosteadyher,evenmoresurprisedathowsheseemstomeltintohistouch.Mustbetheliquor.Thetrainstartsagain,andhepullsaway.
“Yes,really.Idon’tknowanypracticingJewsmyagehere,onaccountofthewholethriceayearthing.And…”Shetrailsoff.
“Yougetstaredatwhenyouwalkintoamostlywhitesynagogue?”
Shegrins.“Mightaswellreallygivethemsomethingtolookat.”
Hematcheshersmile.“Mightaswell.”
BeforetheypartwaysatDivision,DanieltriestoconvinceLiyahtolethimwalkherhome.Sheinsistsshe’sfineandmakesabigshowofliftingherlegsohecanseethattheheelsofhershoesarethickandstable.Hebegshertostop,giventhatshe’swearingaskirt,whichresultsinan“I’vegotspandexshortsunderthis,youprude”andDanielfeelinglikehisentirebodyisblushing.Eventually,sheagreestotexthimwhenshegetstoherapartment.Itmayonlybebecausethedoorsareabouttoclose,butitappeasesDanielallthesame.Themessagecomesashe’swalkingdownfromtheplatformatDamen.
Liyah
Homesafe,worrywart.
Daniel
gladtohearit.notaworrywart
Liyah
Sure,andI’mnotgrouchy!
Daniel
sheadmitsit!
Liyah
Whichmeans,inturn,thatyouadmitit.
Daniel
touché
Hesmilestohimselftheentirewalkhome,hummingoneofthejazztunesthebandhadplayedearlierinthenight.Assoonashe’slockedtheapartmentdoorbehindhim,hescoopsSweetPotatointohisarms.Shepurrsloudly,andhewondersifsheknowsthathe’sintoxicatedandthat’swhyshegetssocuddly.Maybeit’sthathe’salittleextraaffectionateandsheismeetinghimwhereheis.Eitherway,he’salwayshappytocomehometoherafteranightout.
Thenextmorning,hewakesupwithSweetPotatosittingonhischest,hisheadpounding.Hemusthaveforgottenthathangoversexistlastnight;there’snootherexplanationforvoluntarilydoingthistohimself.Andnow,despitehisbriefrespite,hestillhasthenexttwoweekstoface.Hisphonelightsupwithanotification:
Liyah
Pleaseadd“Nomorethanoneroundoftequilashots”asnumber7onthelistofrules.OratleastmakewhoeversuggeststhembuytheTylenol.
SSC#6MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Siobhan
????Workprojects
????Siobhanwantstoknowifanybodyactuallyreadsnewsletters
????Mostlyno,buttheexamplesshe’sgivenarequiteeye-catching
????Danielwouldliketoknowwhateveryone’sfavoritethingabouttheCTAis
????Jordansaysnothing
????SiobhansaysthattheLismostlyaboveground—unpopularopinionbutsheloveshowthetrackslookweavingthroughthecity
????Liyahsaystheplacesittakesher
????LiyahandJordanwouldnotliketotalkabouttheirwork,thankyouverymuch
????Liyahwouldliketospecifyinallcaps:“IALREADYHAVETOWORKWITHDANIEL.IWOULDLIKENOTTOTHENHAVETOTALKABOUTSAIDWORKWITHDANIELONFRIDAYEVENINGSWITHDANIEL”
????Dating
????Liyahisstilladamantthatromanticloveisnotreal,oris“backonherbullshit,”inJordan’swords
????SiobhanandJordansaythismakesherarightgrouch
????Danielismoreagnostic,butleanstowarditsexistence
????LiyahsaysthisisbecauseDaniel’sagnosticabouteverything,andifhewerecapableofmakinguphismind,he’dseethelight
????Jordansaysthatit’smoredarknessthanlight
????Liyahinsiststhatwemoveon
????Daniel’ssistermadedeliciouschallah
????“Siobhan,youdon’tneedtotakenotesonthat”
????LiyahasksthathehaveKaylaemailhertherecipe
????See,takingnoteswasquitehelpful
????YomKippurisnextweekandLiyahisalreadygrouchyaboutfasting
????Danielsaysit’snotthatbad
????LiyahrequeststhatSiobhanstopswritingthatsheisgrouchy
????Seriously,sheisnotthatgrouchy
????“Pleasestop”
????NoruleadditionsthisweekCHAPTER9
THEmorningofYomKippur,DanielandLiyahmeetattheLstoponDivision.Lastnight,Liyahhadmadethemlate(evenbyJST)toKolNidre,thesinglemostattendedJewishservice,andtheywererelegatedtothefoldingchairssetupinthebackoftheshultoaccommodatetheoverflow.ThemakeshiftpewswerenotspacedappropriatelyforDaniel’slegs,andLiyahkepthavingtostiflelaughterashetriedtofithimselfindiagonally.AconsultationwithGoogleMapsrevealedthathehadashorterwalktoherstopthanshedidtohis,sotheyadjustedaccordingly.
Liyahfeelsoutofsortssittingonthetraininfancyclothing,thesilkbagwithherbatmitzvahtallisonherlap.It’salsoquitestrangetobenexttoDaniellikethisinthedaylight.She’saccustomedtoaquietcar,Daniel’sfaceyellowedbytheplasticoverlayontheharshoverheadlights.Thismorning,it’sfullandbrightandnoisyinawaythatdoesn’tsitwellgiventhatsheskippedfoodandcoffeeinobservanceofthefast.Shehardlysaysanythingthewholewaythere.Hedoesn’tseemtobeinachattymood,either,andshehopesthere’sasharedunderstandingthatnoeatingmeansnolengthyconversations.Besides,asNeenlovespointingout,Liyah’snaturalsnarkedgestowardoutrightrudenesswhenshe’shungry.
Whentheypushopenthedoorstothesynagoguefoyer,afewpairsofeyesflickertheirway.LiyahlooksatDaniel,andheraiseshiseyebrowsather,amused.Theystoptoputontheirtallisimandkippot(Liyahbroughtseveralbobbypinstoaffixherkippahtothecrownofherhead,otherwiseshe’dspendtheservicespickingitupoffthefloor)beforeheadingtowardthedoorstothemainsanctuary.Agreeterstandsbyatablewithstacksofmachzorim.Hehandsoneoftheprayerbookstoanelderlywomanandpointshertothedoor.
WhenDanielandLiyahapproach,heeyesthemcuriously.“Areyoutwointherightplace?”heasks.
Liyahswallows,takingtheman’squestionaboutaswellasapunchtothegut.Thisisnotyourfirstrodeo,sheremindsherself.Despiteheremptystomach,she’sreadytovomit.
Danielmustfeelhertenseupbecausehereachesforherhand.“Oh,thisisn’ttheBaptistchurch’sYomKippurservice?”hejokes,tryingtolightenthemood.ButLiyahisalreadyfuming.
Thegreeterbelatedlyclockstheirreligiousgarbandstartstoapologize.Liyahdoesn’thearasinglewordhesays.Shetakesadeepbreathtomakesurethathervoiceislowandlevelsonobystanderscanoverhear.
“Ihopeyouadd‘Ihavesinnedagainstyouwithracism’toyourviduithisyear,youbrainlessprick.”Sheyankstwoofthemachzorimdirectlyoffthetable.Shewantstosaymore,butDanielsqueezesherhandandpullsherawaybeforeshegetsthechance.
Hedoesn’tletgountilthey’retuckedawayinahallwaythatmustleadtotherabbi’sandcantor’soffices.Herskintinglesatthelossoftouch,butthenhishandsareonhershouldersandhe’slookingintohereyes.Hetakesexaggeratedlydeepbreathsasifshe’smeanttofollow,andwhenshedoes,sherealizesthatshewashyperventilating.
“I.Am.So.Mad,”shebitesout.
“Iseethat,”Danielwhispers.Nowhishandsarerunningupanddownherupperarms.It’ssoothing.Andimmenselyirritating.He’ssocalm.She’sfallingapart,andhe’sperfectlyserene,unruffled.
“Thisdoesn’tgettoyou?”shemanages.
Heswallows.“Itdoes.Maybenotquiteasmuch,butyou’reright,thatguywasabrainlessdick.”Hisirisesflickbackandforth,asifhe’scheckingeachofhereyesindividuallyforsignsofanimpendingexplosion.“Areyoudoingalittlebitbetter?”
Herpulsenolongerfeelsfastenoughforherhearttogiveout,soshenods.“Prick.”
Hemovesbackaninch.HisbreathnolongerfansoverLiyah’scheeks.“What?”
“Isaidprick,notdick.BlameSiobhan.”Liyahsmiles,andDaniel’sentirebodyseemstorelax.“Didyoucheatandhavebreakfast?”sheasks.
Heshakeshishead.“Ihaven’teatensincefiveyesterday,sameasyou.”
“Thenwhydoyouseemso…fine?Andhowwereyoupatientenoughtofigureouthowtocalmmedown?”
“I’mplentyhungry,Ijusthavewillpower.”Shefrowns,andhechuckles.“MysisterKayla’satherapist,butevenbeforethatshewasgoodatthiskindofthing.Shetaughtmesometricksofthetrade.”
Liyahsighs.“Ah,well.TellherIsaythanks.”
“Doyouwanttogobackin?”Danielasks.
Liyahcantellhemeansit.Shehastheoptiontostayorgo.Becausethisisnotthefirsttimesomeonehassaidthistohim,justlikeit’snotthefirsttimeforher.Shewondersifheevertalkstohisfatheraboutit,andhowhereacts.HermotherhasneverbeengreatatfieldingherandAvi’sexperienceswithwhite-assimilatedJews.They’llrepeatoneofseveralcommoninvalidations,andhermomfreezesupcompletely,tearswelling.AsifLiyahcommunicatingtherealityofherexperienceisapersonalattack.
ThefirsttimeinheradultlifethatshewalkedintoaJewishspacewithoutherveryshort,veryAshkenazi-lookingmothertocontextualizeherexistencewasRoshHashanahhersophomoreyearofcollege.Ittookonestepinthedoorforsomeonetotellhershemustbelost.SheturnedonherheelsandlefttheNorthwesternUniversityHillel,stewinginherdormroomforthenexttwodays.Itwastheonlyyearofherlifeshedidn’tobservetheHighHolidays.Shetoldhermother,andtheyfoughtsobadlythattheydidn’tspeakdirectlyuntilwinterbreak.Andthethingis,asmuchasshewisheshermomcouldhavebetterunderstoodthepainthatledtohermakingthatchoice,notobservingdidn’tfeelright,either.Likeitwaslettingthemwin.Likeitwassaying,you’reright,Idon’tbelong,eventhoughLiyahisJewishtoherverycore.EventhoughherBlacknessandherJewishnessareinextricablylinkedbecauseshe’sneverbeenonewithouttheother.
Shetakesanotherdeepbreathandnods.“Ready.”
“Okay.”Hedropshishandsfromhershoulders.“Ican’tbelieveyoutoldthatguytorepent.”
“Hedeservedit!”Liyahprotests.
Danielshakeshishead.“I’mnotjudging,I’madmiring.You’requickonyourfeet.”
Shefollowshimbacktothefoyer,wheretheoffendinggreeterwavesthemintothesanctuary,avoidingeyecontact.Fortunately,theycaughttheLearlyenoughthatLiyah’smeltdownhasn’tcostthemgoodseats.Theysnagaspottowardanaisle(foroptimalsneakingout)andDanielmakesanaudiblephewwhenhefitshislegsintotherow.Liyahbitesherliptoavoidlaughing.YomKippurisn’treallyalaughingholiday,andshecertainlydoesn’tneedtodrawanymoreattentiontoherself.
WhentheservicesmakeittoAlCheyt,thepartofviduiwheretheEnglishtranslationofeachconfessionbegins“Wehavesinnedagainstyouwith,”theykeepmakingeyecontact.JustwhenLiyahthinksshe’sgotaholdofherself,Danielwinks,andshehastocoverhersnortwithacough.Thewomantoherleftshiftsawayslightly.Well,atleastIwasconvincing,shethinks.
Therestofthemorninggoesbysmoothly,ifveryslowly.Liyahcan’trememberthelasttimethatsheenjoyedshulthismuch.Evenwhentherabbidragshersermononalittletoolong,shedoesn’tgetagitated.Instead,shenudgesDanielandwhispers,“Sinceshecan’thaveanywatertoday,you’dthinkitwouldbeinherbestinteresttowrapitupbeforeshemakesherselfhoarse.”Hekeepshisfaceasstillaspossibleandrubshislipstogether,butshecanseethelaughterinhiseyes.
AttheendoftheTorahservice,Liyah’spatiencewearsthin,evenwithDanielbyherside.Therabbiannouncesthatit’stimeforYizkor,andLiyahenthusiasticallyshoveshertallisbackinitsbagandgetsreadytogo.Danielstepsbacktoallowhertopass.
“Yougofirst,”shesaysimpatiently.
Heshakeshishead.“I’mgonnastayforabit.”
“It’sYizkor,youdon’t—”
Oh.Oh.Youdon’ttraditionallystayforthememorialserviceunlessyou’velostaparent,sibling,orspouse,whichmeans…
“I’llberightoutside,”Liyahsaysgently,pushingpastthebruisingshameofherthoughtlessness.
Shewalkstothefoyer,kickingherself.She’dtriedtocorrecthim,torushhimout.God,evenforher,thisisbad.Throngsofotherluckypeoplewhodon’tqualifyforYizkormillabout.Liyahwishestraditiondidn’trequirehertoleaveDanielbehind.He’ssoyoung.Everyoneelseislikelytooabsorbedintheirownmourningtoworryabouthim,butshe’sneverbeentoYizkor,soshecan’tbesure.Thankfully,themovementofdispersingcongregantsdisguisesheranxiouspacing.
Thenexthalfhouristheslowestoftheday.Thecrowdmostlydissipates,andLiyahisforcedtoswitchfrompacingtopickingatherfingernails.WhenDanielemergesfromthesanctuary,hercuticlesaredestroyedandhiseyesarerimmedred.
“THEWAYIseeit,you’vegotfouroptions,”Liyahsaysastheyexitthebuilding.
Danielexpectedthatshewouldgreethimwithahugoraskhowhewasfeeling.Maybeheshouldhaveexpectedthis,though.It’smuchmoreLiyah.Thebreezeandfreshairaretheclosestsecondtothedrinkofwaterhereallyneeds.Herollsuphissleeves.Shedoesn’tgoon,andherealizesthatshe’swaitingforhissignal.“Whataretheoptions?”
Liyahtakesadeepbreath.“One:wecantalkaboutit.Two:youcantellmewhatyouwanttodofortherestoftheday,andwe’llgodojustthat.Iwon’tbreakmyfastearly,butifthat’swhatyouneed,I’llsitthereandtrynottoglarewhileyoueat.”Hesearchesherface.Itseemsshemeansit.“Three:youcancomealongwithmetodowhatIusuallydoonYomKippur.Andfinally,four:say‘Liyah,fuckoff’andI’llleaveyoutoyourowndevices.”
Danieltriestosmile.He’snotsurehedoesagoodjobofit.“Iwouldn’tsaythat.”
“IpromiseIwon’tbeoffendedifyouchooseoptionfour.”Sheelbowshim.Danielwantstograbherhand,butshehasn’tofferedit,andheworriesitwouldbeunwelcome.“So,which’llitbe?”
Hecouldtalkabouthisdad.AboutthumbwrestlingduringHighHolidayserviceswellintohisteenageyears,hismomdiscreetlykickinghisdad’sshins,desperatetogetthemtostop.Maybeheshould;heknowsthat’swhatKaylawoulddo.ButhebarelymadeitthroughhisfirstYizkorandhedoesn’tthinkhehastheenergy.“Let’sdothethirdone.”
Liyahnodsenthusiastically.“Excellentchoice.”Itmakeshimsmile,eventhoughsheprobablywouldhavesaiditregardlessofwhathepicked.Shefishesaroundinhertallisbagandextendsherarmasiftohandhimsomething,butthere’snothingbetweenherfingers.“Sinceyoudidn’tchooseoptionone,I’mgivingyouthisticket.It’sgoodforone‘Iwanttotalkaboutit’atalaterdate.”
Danieltakestheimaginarytokenandtucksitintothepocketofhisslacks.“So,whatarewedoing?”
“We’regoingtogohome,wherewewillwatchadepressingdocumentaryaboutsomethingwrongwiththeworld.Iknowit’stechnicallynoelectronicstodaybutpleaserememberthatI’vewatchedyoueatbacon.”
Helaughs.“You’veseenmeusemyphonealready.”
Shenods.“Right,andI’veseenyouuseyourphonealready,sodon’tsayanythingabouthowmytraditionsareagainsttherules.”
“Ithinkitmakesalotofsense.It’sinthespiritofreflection,”hesays,lookingstraightahead.Evenso,hefeelsLiyah’sgazeonthesideofhisface
“Exactly!”shesays.“Pleasetellmymotherthat.”
Afteratrainchangeandsomewalking,theyapproachanoldredbrickbuildingthatlookslikeitwasbuiltimmediatelyaftertheGreatChicagoFire.Liyah’sapartmentisonthesecondfloor,andit’scozyandcolorfulandverylived-in.Therearethreelargewindowsinthelivingroom,mostlyobstructedbyenormoushouseplantsinmismatchedpots.Danielfollowsherinremovingshoesatthedoorandunceremoniouslyfloppingdownonthecouch.It’sgreen—nosurprisethere—butit’sdarkerthanthecolorsheusuallywearsandmadeofvelvet.Thecushionsaresoftbutsupportiveanditevenhasachaiseattachmentlongenoughforhimtostretchhislegs.
“Thisisanexcellentsofa.”
“It’dbetterbeforwhatapainintheassitwastogetupthatstaircase,”shereplies.
Hestrokesoneofthethrowpillows.It’scharcoalgray,furry,andimpossiblysoft.“Ilikethis,too.”
Liyahmakesanoiseofdisgust.“Ofcourseyoudo.”
“Youdon’tlikeyourownpillows?”
“It’smy‘roommate’”—shemakesairquoteswithherfingers—“Lara’s.OrLaura?Youknowwhat,I’mprettysureit’sLara.”
“Andwhereisthisfabledroommate?”Danielasks.
“Atherboyfriend’s,wheresheactuallylives.”Liyahpointstotheonlycloseddoorintheapartment.“That’shers.ItlookslikeaMichaelsstorecaughtastomachbugandvomiteditintoexistence.Ikeepitsectionedoffsothatitdoesn’tinfecttherestoftheplace.”
“Exceptforthethrowpillows.”Danielsmiles.
Liyahfrowns.“Yes,exceptforthethrowpillows.Areyoumoreinthemoodforclimatecrisisortheprisonindustrialcomplex?”Shepointstheclickeratthescreen.
“Eachfuninitsownright,buttodayisaclimatecrisiskindofday,don’tyouthink?”
Shehumsinagreement.“Climatecrisisitis.”Sheputsthemovieonandpromptlycurlsupinthefetalposition,herheadononeofthethrowpillows.She’sseveralinchesawayfromhim,buthercurlyhairfansout,spillingoverontohislap.
Theywatchintotalsilence,theiremptystomachshavingprematurelydepletedtheirdailywordstores.Whenthefilmfinishes,Danieltwistshistorso,usingthebackofthecouchasleveragetocrackhisback.Liyahflinchesatthenoise.
“Sorry,”hemurmurs.“So,what’snextontheagendaforLiyahCohen-Jackson’sYomKippur?”
Shesmiles.“It’sthemostimportantpart:theafternoonnap.”Liyahstandsup,smoothsoutherskirt,andpadsherwaytothebedroom.Danielsupposeshe’smeanttofollow.Sheliesdownontopofhercomforterandpullsthethrowblanketuptohershoulders.“Nooutsideclothesinthebed,”sheexplains.
Danielnods.AsmuchashelovestheCTA,hewouldn’twantpantsthathadtouchedatrainseatonhissheets,either.“Doyoumind?”heasks,motioningtohisdressshirt.Liyahshakesherhead,soheunbuttonsittherestofthewayandremovesit,alongwithhisbelt.InathinT-shirtandwithhisslacksridinglowonhiships,heclimbsontothemostinvitingbedhe’severseen.Maybeit’sthefasting-inducedlethargy,butitseemslikeheandLiyahhaveidenticaltasteinfurniture.Hisheadhitsthepillow,andhesighs.Lovely.
“Gladyoulikeit,”Liyahwhispers,andit’sthelastthingeitherofthemsaybeforedozingoff.
DanielwakesuptoLiyahrubbinghisforearm.Heblinksafewtimes,dazed.Itseemstohimthatnotimehaspassed,buttheangleofthelightseepingthroughhis—nothis,Liyah’s—bedroomwindowsaysotherwise.
“Yougottawakeup,we’regonnabelateforMincha.”
“Idon’tknowifIwanttogobackfortheafternoonandeveningservices.Imean,Iusuallydo,but…”Daniel’stonguetastesofsleepandhisthroatisdryonaccountofnothavinghadanywatersinceyesterday,andhisvoicecomesoutlowandgravellyevenafterhisattemptstoclearhisthroat.“Isthatokay?”
Liyahnods.Withoutthinking,hereachesforherhand.Herentirebodystills.He’sabouttowithdrawitandapologize,butshelacesherfingersthroughhis.“Yeah,that’sokay.”Apause.Sheholdseyecontactsolongthatit’salmostunnerving,likeshe’sseeingrightintothedepthsofhim.Eventhoughtheblindscastastripofsunlightacrosshereyes,heririsesaresoblackthatit’simpossibletodistinguishthemfromherpupils.“Whatdoyouwanttodowiththelasthourandahalf?”
Hewantstostayinbed,exactlylikethis.Butheknowsthat’sthewronganswer.“Gotanythingtoread?”
Liyahjumpsupandstridestowardthelivingroom,motioningforhimtofollow.Heregretssayingsomethingbeforerememberingthathercouchisequallycomfortable.Shethumbsthroughthewidebookcasethat’sunderherTVandextractstwothinhardcovers.“Ispoetryokay?It’saboutallIhavetheattentionspanfor.”Danielnods.“ThesearebyEdwardHirsch.”
“Jewish?”
“Yep.AndaChicagoan.Thoughtitwouldbefitting.”Sheholdsuponeofthebooks.“Thisoneisanextendedeulogyforhischild.So,dependingonthetypeofpersonyouare,it’seitherperfectortheworstpossiblething.”
Heconsiders.“I’llreadthatone.”Shenodsandextendsittowardhim.Whenhetakesit,shecurlsupthewayshehadduringthedocumentaryandcracksthespineonherown.
Danielhasn’treadpoetrysincehislasthighschoolEnglishclass.Tenpagesin,hecan’timaginewhyhe’dgivenitup.Hereadshungrily,forgettingtheworldaroundhim.Forawhile,hethinkshemightcry,butthetearsnevercome.Instead,hewellsupwithsomuchemotionthathe’sfrozeninplace.Thegreatsorrow,thegreatloveoneachpageisstaggeringandfamiliar.Andyet,beautiful.Whatafeat,toturnsomuchpainintosomuchbeauty.Danielisfilledwithsimultaneousenvyandempathy.
Hedoesn’treturntorealityuntilhereachesthefinalphrase.Thebooksnapsshut,andbothheandLiyahstartleatthesound.Shewaitsforhimtospeakfirstforthesecondtimetoday.“CanIborrowthisforalittlebit?”heasks.
“Youcankeepitifyoulike,I’vealreadyreaditfivetimes.”
“Thankyou.”Danielrubsthebackofhishead.Backinthisworld,hecanfeelhisstomachrumble.“Howmuchtimeleft?”
“Negativefiveminutes.”
Hesitsupstraight.“What?Andyouhaven’teatenyet?”
“Ihadtoletyoufinish!GopouruscupsofwaterandI’llgetthebagelstoasting.”Hedoesassheasks,andsherummagesthroughherfreezer.“Pumpernickel,everything,orpoppy?”
“Pumpernickel.”
“Goodchoice.Brownstein’smakesthebestpumpernickelbagelsinallofChicago.”
Danielhandsheraglassofwaterandwaitsforhertotakeasipbeforehegulpshisdownandgoestorefillit.“Haveyouchecked?”hejokes.
“Actually,yes.”
“Really?”
“Ittookafewmonthsofcarefulresearch,butitwaswellworthit.”
Daniellaughsandshakeshishead.Ofcourseshedid.Shefixesthembothbagelswithahealthydoseofshmearandlox.Apparentlytoohungrytomakethefour-foottriptothetable,Liyahtakesanenormousbiteassoonasshe’shandedoneofthebagelsofftoDaniel.He’sstarving,buthewaitsandwatchesLiyah.Hereyelidsfluttershutasshechews,herentirefacerelaxing,thecornersofherlipsturningupward,andasoundsomewhatlikeyumescapeshermouth.
Worththewait.Whenhefinallytasteshisbagel,hehastorestrainhimselffromdemolishingitintwobites.Hemaynothavebeenprivytoherstudies,buthebelievesLiyah’sreview.It’sthebestdamnbagelhe’severeaten.
SSC#7MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Liyah
????Work
????LiyahwantseveryonetounderstandhowexcitingitisthattheyhaveaprepubescentHomoerectus????skeleton
????Seriously!Dothesepeoplenotunderstandhowraretheyare?
????Siobhan’sworkingonthewebsite,whichisbetterthanthenewsletter
????Sherespectfullyrequeststhatwealllookatthewebpagetooohandaah
????(I’mkidding,itlookssogood!)
????Dating
????Liyahwouldliketonotebothvocallyandinwritingthattalkingaboutthiseveryweekislikeanextendedrootcanal
????GroupdatingappprofileworkshopforSiobhan
????JordanandDanielgraciouslywaitwhileLiyahembarrassesSiobhan,takingahundredpicturesofherholdinganAlexspecialcocktail
????(Whatdoyouwantfromme?Shelooksgreat!)
????Ruleaddition:8.DanielandJordanmaynottalkaboutanysportsteam’schancespriortothestartoftheseason.ThisincludesallChicagoteams.Liyahwillengageinbasketballtalkaftertheseasonstarts,butitmustbelimitedforSiobhan’ssake.
SSC#8MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Daniel
????Forgottotakenotesduringworksection.Sorry
????Liyahsaid,“Youshouldbe.”
????Alexjoinedusforanillicitroundonhisbreak
????WouldliketosaythatheandMarcwithac????areexclusive.Everyonecheered
????LiyahonlymadefunofDanieloncetonight.Itwasforbeinglatedueto“JST,”whenveryclearlyitwasduetoLtraindelay
????Whenaskedifshewouldlikeanaward,shesaidyes
????NoruleadditionsCHAPTER10
LIYAHreclinesintheguestarmchairofMaria’soffice,waitingforhertherapisttoreturnwithtea.Thedécorhaschangedsinceshewaslasthere.ItwasMaria’sfirstweekinthenewbuilding,andthewallsfelthauntinglyempty.Nothingtostareatwhensheneededtoavoideyecontact.
MariaquietlyenterstheroomanddepositsasteamingmugonthetablenexttoLiyahbeforetakingherseatbeneathawiresculpture.Itsradiallineshoveraboveherside-partedAfrolikesunrays.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,Liyah.Youlookwell.”
“It’sgoodtoseeyou,too.”Gesturingtothevariouspaintings,sheadds,“Ilikewhatyou’vedonewiththeplace.”
“Thankyou.It’smostlythesameasbeforeImoved,butanewspacechangeseverything,doesn’tit?”Liyahnods.“So,howhaveyoubeenthesepastfewmonths?”
“Prettygood.Iwasunhappyatwork,whichIguessyouknowbecausethat’slikesixtypercentofwhatItalkedaboutlasttime.ButIpitchedanexhibitthatweavestogetherbiologicalandculturalanthropology,anditwasgreen-lit,soI’vebeenworkingonthat.”
“Congratulations.Thatsoundslikealotofresponsibility.Whichiswhatyouwanted,right?”
Liyahblowsontheteabeforetakingasip.“Yeah,itis.It’salotofwork,though.HalfofmysociallifeisspentworkingwithDanielonthemarketingprojectIgotsaddledwith.Andthat’sstilltechnicallywork.”
Marianods.“I’mnotsureyou’vementionedDanieltomebefore.”
“Oh,right.Ihadn’trunintohimyet,Iguess.”Duringthefirstfewmonthsofseeingher,LiyahmetwithMariatwiceaweek.Whenshewasnolongerincrisis,theydroppeddowntoweekly,thenbiweekly.Now,eventhoughit’sbeentwoyearssincetheyswitchedtocheckingineverythreemonths,LiyahstillforgetsthattherelativeinfrequencymeansMariaisoftenmissingthekindofcontextsheusedtoalwayshave.“Iknewhimasakid,butthat’salongstory.”Oneshe’stoldMaria,butonlyinthebroadestofstrokes—shefeltbetrayedbyacampfriend,didn’tgobackthenextsummer,onedropinanoceanofreasonstomistrustthosewhoromanticallypursueher.“He’soneofthemembersofthisthingIdoonFridays—theSpeakeasySurvivalClub.It’sbasicallyjustdrinkingbuddies,butwealsocomplainaboutworkandadulthoodandtakemeetingminutesforfun.There’sfourofus—Siobhan,andDaniel’scoworkerJordan.That’stheotherhalfofmysociallife.It’skindofdumb,Iknow…”
ThelargehoopearringsMariawearsswayassheshakesherhead.“Thatdoesn’tsounddumb.Itsoundslikeagoodsupportnetwork.”
“Wejokethatit’sgrouptherapybutwithliquor.”
Mariasmiles,nodding.“Thatseemsnice.Andhowhaveyoubeenotherwise?DidyouendupresolvingthatissuewithIvy?”
Liyahswallows,embarrassed.SheknowsMariaisn’theretojudgeher,butshe’salsoseenthisscenarioplayoutagoodnumberoftimes,anditneversoundsgreatwhenshesaysitoutloud.“Ihaven’tspokentohersinceIsentthatlasttextmessage.Ihaven’tbeensleepingwithanybodyelse,though.BetweenworkandSSC,Ihaven’thadanytime.”
“That’stheonlyreason?Abusyschedulehasn’teverstoppedyoubefore.”
Shetakesanothersipofhertea.“Yeah,that’sit.Imean,IonlyeverseeSiobhanandJordanandDaniel,andIdon’tsleepwithmyfriends,so.”
Mariaholdshergaze.“Right.Wecanmoveon,I’mjustcheckinginsincethereseemstohavebeenachangeinyourbehavior.Ifeverythingisalrightandyoudon’twanttotalkaboutit,Igetthat,butthisiswhywe’rehere.Areyousurethere’snothingthat’sbeencomingupforyou?”
“Nope,allgood,”Liyahreplies,hopingthelevityinhertonewillwardoffMaria’ssuspiciouseye.
Therestofthesessionpasseswithoutevent,andLiyahreturnstoherofficefeelingtriumphant,anotherquarterlyappointmentwhereshe’sgenerallybeendoingwellonthebooks.Herelationonlyextendssofar,thecolonyofmessagesinherin-boxhavingdoubledinsizesincethismorning.Sheclicks,skims,anddeleteswhatshecan,untilaparticularmessagecatcheshereye:DeliveryConfirmation.
Liyahopensitandonlymakesitafewlinesbeforeshejumpsup,leavingherdeskchairspinningassheracesdowntothemailroom.Twoboxesarewaitingforher:onesmall,presumablythesamplesfromthewinebarthey’vepartneredwith,andonelargeenoughshe’llneedadolly,presumablythesignsexplainingtheexhibitionpairings.Sheripsthebiggeroneopen,andthetopsignistheoneforInsideAncientEgypt.PetersuggestedtheypairitwithaFrenchChablisthathas“astrongcharacterofsalinity.”DanielandLiyahhadnoddedalong,makingeyecontactassoonashelookedawayandbitingtheinsidesoftheircheekstoavoidlaughing.
Shetakesapictureofherselfwiththesign,loadsupadolly(notevenmindingthesqueakybackwheel),andpushesherwaytothefreightelevator.It’sancientandexceedinglyslow,soshespendstheridetypingoutanemailwiththephotoattached.
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Lookwhatarrived!Soexcitedtoexperiencethesaline.#salty
Liyah
P.S.Ican’tremember,isitsupposedtobeonthetipofthetongueortheinnersides?Oristhatacidity…
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Isthehashtagaboutyouorthewine?
Daniel
P.S.Tipofthetongueissweetness,innersidesisacidity,outeredgeissalinity.Didyounotpayanyattentioninthemeeting?Peterwouldbeashamed.
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Liyah
P.S.GuessI’llhavetoreturnmysommelierlicense.
Liyahpushesopenthedoortoherofficewithherelbow,dragginginthedollyandnearlydroppingherphonebeforeSiobhanjumpstoherrescue.“Thankyou,sorry,”shesays.
“Itwouldhelpifyouweren’ttryingtodothreethingsatonce.What’sgotyousmilingatyourphone?Havethepinkytoescomein?”Siobhanasks.
“What?Oh,no.Stuffforthewine-tastingnight.IwasemailingDanielaboutit.”
“So,areyoureadytotellmewhathappenedonYomKippur?”
Liyah’sfaceheats.Howwouldsheevenbegintoexplainwhysuchasimplequestionsetoffanuclearwarheadinherchest?ButSiobhancan’tknowaboutthegreeter,canshe?There’snoreasonforDanieltohavementionedit.“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasks.“Youwantmetorunthroughtheorderoftheservice?”
“IwantyoutoexplainhowyouwentfromfindingDaniel—whatwasityousaid,‘tolerable’?—tosmilingathisworkemails.Don’ttrytodenyit,there’sbeentwoSurvivalClubmeetingssincethen,I’veseenyoutwo.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“He’sfunny,sometimes.AndIstillmakefunofhimplenty.”
“Yeah,butyou’reneveroutrightmean.”
“Thanks.”Liyahscowls.“Whatahighbar.”
“You’retheonewhosetit,love.”Siobhanwinks.Liyahrollshereyes.
“YouandNeenarebothsodramatic.I’mnotthatbad.YomKippurwas…”Intimate,somehow.Sheknowsthedynamichasshifted;betweentheirconversationafterwinetastingandYomKippurspenttogether,theymightbeactualfriendsagain.Neen’sbadenough(Headmittedhewaswrongtwice?Imeanhonestly,C-J,betweenthatandhisfaceyoushould’veshownupathisplaceinlingerieandatrenchcoatbynow);shedoesn’twantSiobhantoruinitbygettinganyideas.“Wehadeachother’sbacks,youknow?Sowewouldn’tfeelliketheoddoneout.”
Siobhanstaresherdown.“Isthatwhatyouusedtodoforeachotheratsummercamp?”
Alwaystooperceptiveforherowngood.Orrather,forLiyah’sgood.“Ialreadytoldyou,campwasalongtimeago.Ihardlyrememberit.YomKippurwaspracticallyanextensionofSurvivalClubduties.”
Siobhansighs.“Sothat’showyou’regoingtoplayit?”
“I’mnotplayinganything.Besides,weshouldbeworryingaboutwhat’shappeningoutsideofSSCwithyouandJordan.”
“There’snothingtoworryaboutanymore.Hehasawomanthat‘it’scomplicated’with,sothat’sthat.”
Liyahnods,thenfurrowsherbrow.“Wait,howdoyouknowthat?”
“I,em,Iaskedhimonthewayhomelastweek.”Siobhanflushesadeepred.
“OhmyGod,Siobhan!”Liyahsqueals.“That’sgreat,I’msoproudofyou.”
“Thankyou.”Siobhanspinsherchairsoshe’sonceagainfacingherdesktopmonitor.“I’llgobacktothisnonsenseandpretendIdidn’tnoticeyouroh-so-smoothchangeofsubject.”
Liyahremovestheboxesfromthedollyandopensthelargeoneagain.ShepullsouttheInsideAncientEgyptsigntorevealanotherInsideAncientEgyptsign.Shegroans.Theybetternothavechargedherfortheduplicate;shedoesn’twanttohavetoexplainittoJeff.Shemovesthesecondsign,revealingathird.Andfourth,andfifth.EverysinglesignadvertisesthesaltyChablis.Fuck.Sheducksintothehallwayandpressescall.
“We’reabsolutelyfucked,”LiyahsaysassoonasDanielanswersthephone.
Hislaughfiltersthroughthereceiver.“Congrats?Or,I’msorry?Ineedmoreinformation.”
“They’reallChablis!AllthesignsareChablis!”
“Wait,what?Doyouhavethereceipt?”
“Yes!”Liyahallbutshouts.“Icheckedtheconfirmation.Iuploadedfiveseparatefiles,likeIthought.Thesetooktwoweekstogethere.Andweusedthefullbudgetallotment.EvenifIcouldreorderthem,theywon’tbehereintime!”
Heexhales.“Twoweeks?Haveyoutriedgoinginpersonsotheycanprintinfrontofyou?”
“Thatwasmyfirstchoice!ThemountingthingattheFedExnearhereisbroken,andtheysaidtheycouldonlygivemetheflimsypaperposters.Andwe’reoutoftimetoplaceaneworderonline!”
“Liyah,takeadeepbreath.ForwardmetheconfirmationandI’llgetarefund.Goprintthepaperones.I’llpickupsomeposterboardtomorrowandwe’llmountthemourselves.You’renotaboveabitofartsandcrafts,areyou?”
“Daniel,I’mnotgoingtobeabletotakeadeepbreathuntilthesignsarefixed!”
“Andtheywillbe—”Danielstarts,butLiyahcutshimoff.
“Ifyousay‘trustme,’IsweartofuckingGod—”
“Igottago.Sendmetheconfirmation,Liyah.Seeyoutomorrow!”Andthenhe’sgone,andLiyahisleft,aloneinthehallway,tellingherselfnottohyperventilate.
DANIELDECIDESTOcontinuetheemailexchangeafterhislunch:
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Okay,definitelyaboutyou.
Daniel
P.S.Wheredidyougetit,wish.com?
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Don’tyouhavesomethingbettertodo,DW?Amarketingstrategytodigitize?Posterboardyoupromisedtopurchase?
Liyah
P.S.Ilookeditup.Turnsoutit’scompletebullshit.Thedifferenceinsensitivitytoflavorondifferentareasofthetongueisminuteatbest!!
AndbeforehiscoffeemeetingwithEllaHill,who’dstartedaboutiquehikinggearstorekitschilycalledHill&Mountain:
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Itwasamistakelettingyouhavemyworkemail.Youcan’tgivemethesamenameasananimatedfive-year-oldgirl.I’mgettingthemtomorrow,likeIsaid.
Daniel
P.S.Don’ttellPeter.It’llruinhisday.
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
DanielWilfred,
Yourproblemisthatshe’sagirl,notanaardvark?HouseRule#3!
Liyah
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Dotherulesstillapplyviaemail?Andno,myproblemisthatshe’sinkindergarten.
DanielDefinitelyNotWilfredRosenberg
Andwhenhe’sbackatwork,hisproposalsallapprovedandnoredraftingtodo:
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Obviously.William.Walt.Wistopher.Wimothy.Gettingwarmer?
Liyah
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Icecold.Woo-jin.Itmeans“treasureofthefamily.”
Daniel
P.S.SometimesromanizedasU-jin,beforeyougogettinganyterriblepronunciationideas.
To:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
From:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:T-MINUS8DAYSUNTILTHEWINEMOMSDESCENDUPONUS…
Ah,howveryyoungestchild.
Liyah
P.S.BecauseI’mnotelderly,Imanagedtogooglethepronunciation.Ilikeit.Suitsyou.
Danielstaresathisscreenforafewminutes,tryingandfailingtocomeupwitharesponse.Hejiggleshislegunderthedesk,impatientwiththeslowlytickingclock.Herefresheshisin-box,butstillnofeedbackabouthiscampaignfortheCTA.Itwouldlookbadtoheadhomebeforefive,soheforceshimselftodothemindlessworkofsortingthroughhisemails.Unfortunately,thismeanshismindwanders.
Danielhasnotspentalotoftimethinkingabouthisdadinthelasttenmonths.Atfirsttherewasthefuneral,andtheshiva,andthecallsandtextsandemailsandFacebookmessages.Itallmadehimthinkabouthisdadconstantly,aninfiniteslideshowofmemoriesplayingthroughhismind.Butthen,afteraboutamonth,theoutpouringofcondolencesstopped.Heforcedtheslideshowtostop,too.Itwastheonlywayhecouldgethimselfun-stopped.
Lately,thememoriesarecomingback.EversinceYomKippur.It’saslowdripratherthanafirehose,thankfully,butthewaterneverrunsout.Maybeit’llalwaysberunningaroundthistimeofyear.HeshouldprobablyaskKayla,buthedoesn’t.
Whenhegetshome,heheadsstraightforhisbedroom,tradinghissuitforalong-sleevedshirtandsomesoccershorts.Exercise,Daniel.That’llfixthis.Herummagesthroughhisclosetforhisrunningshoes,givesSweetPotatoafewscratchesbehindherears,andhe’soff.
Themusiccomingfromhisheadphonesisasloudasitcanbewithoutdrowningoutthenoiseofoncomingcars,sohecan’theartheslapofhisrubbersolesonthepavement.HefirstheadstoWickerPark,butwhenheseesamanpushinghiskidonaswing,Danielpromptlyturnsaway.Instead,herunsthroughtheneighborhood,rowsofbrickbuildingspassinghimby,alongwiththeoccasionalstrollerorleasheddogorkidonabicycle.Animageofhisdad,teachinghimhowtorideabike.Herunsfaster.Hisdad,grinningwhenhegotthepuppytorollover.Herunsfaster.Hisdad,teachinghimandKaylahowtochangeatire.Herunsfaster.
BythetimeDanielendsupbackathisapartment,it’spitch-blackoutsideandeverymuscleinhislegsquiverswithoveruse.HemakesitupthestairswithgreateffortandwincesashecrouchestoscoopSweetPotatoofftheground.Shenuzzlesherfaceagainsthisneck,andhesmiles.
“Thanks,SweetP.”Ifhedoesn’tgetintheshowersoon,hiswholebodywillshutdownanditmightneverhappen.Hetosseshiscatforwardandshelandsgracefully,meowingandtrottingtowardherfavoriteperchonthecouch.
Hotwaterpeltshisback,andhefeelshismusclesalreadybecomingsore.It’sawelcomeache,easytofocuson.Hestandsstillforawhileafterhe’sclean,lettingthewaterwashoverhim.Eventually,itrunscold.Danielswears,fumblingtoturnitoffasquicklyashecanandtowelhimselfoff.AlexisalreadyatProhibition,sohejustwrapsthetowelaroundhiswaistandheadstothekitchen.
Hesettlesonthecouchwithsomeleftoverpastaandabasketballgamehecouldn’tcarelessaboutontheTV.SweetPotatokeepstryingtolicktherimofhisbeerbottle,andeventuallyhegivesuponshooingherawayandjustrefusestosetitdown.Atthecommercialbreak,hecheckshisphone.He’sgottwomessages:oneintheSurvivalClubchatandonefromKayla.
LiyahtoSSC
Compatriots:isthereroomforonemoretojoinourranksnextweek?Neenwillbeintownandthey’reanabsoluteblast.Danielcanconfirm.
Neen’svisitisbynomeansnewstoDaniel;Liyahmentionsiteverytimetheymeettoplanevents.WhenLiyah’sthatexcited,it’shardnottobeexcitedforher,asevidencedbyDaniel’scurrentemotionalinvestmentintheacquisitionofhundred-thousand-year-oldpinkytoebones.Hesendsoffaresponse:
DanieltoSSC
ifby“blast”youmeanthatthey’llprobablygetasmuchofakickoutofliyahbullyingmeasshedoes,thensure,they’reablast
JordantoSSC
Definitelysoundslikeablast.Goodbyme
SiobhantoSSC
Soexcitedtoseethemagain!!!Mateofaclubmemberisamateoftheclub:)ThatshouldbeHouseRule#9.
DanieltoSSC
aite,onit.
Danieldoesn’tfeellikegettinguptofindthegrowingnapkincontract,buthe’llgetaroundtoitlaterandsendapictureforprooftothegroup.Hethumbsovertothethreadofmessageswithhissister.
Kayla
Danny,doesyourplacestillwork?Iknowyoudon’twanttotalkaboutit,butit’scomingup,soIwanttomakesureeverything’sset.Loveyou.
Daniel
yeah,i’lltalktoalexaboutit.loveyou.
Herubshishandoverhismouth,clenchingandreleasinghisjaw.Hiswholebodymusttense,becauseSweetPotatostretchesandclimbsdownfromhislap,leavingacircleofgingerhairinherwake.Somuchfornotthinkingabouthisdad.
SSC#9MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Siobhan
????JordaniswonderingwhereNeenis
????Liyahremindshimthatshesaid“nextweek”inthegroupchat,andclaimsthatstraightmenhavebadtextmessagereadingcomprehension
????Jordansaysthisisborderlineoffensive
????Danieladmitsthathissistertoldhimsomethingsimilar,wouldnotliketogivefurthercomment
????Arts&Crafts
????LiyahandDanielfullymadeushelpmountpostersfortheirwinenightinthemiddleofabar.Thethingswedoforfriendship
????Work
????Daniel’scampaignideaswereapprovedbytheCTA
????HewouldliketothankSiobhanandLiyahfortheirhelpfulbrainstorming,andfurtherwantsitonrecordthatJordanisadick
????Jordan’ssupervisorhasdoneafewthingsthatcouldbeconstruedashittingonhim
????HeuseshisRule#6charmallowanceonthisstory
????LiyahandSiobhanadvisereportingtoHR
????Danielisconcernedthathewillgetshitaboutthisfromtheirverybro-yofficemates,butalsosays“fuckem,dowhatisrightforyou”
????Jordandecideshe’sgoingtofirsttalktoheraboutit,andbringHRonlaterifthisdoesn’twork
????Liyahspentseveralminutestryingtoexplaintheevidenceofright-andleft-handednessinancienttools,noneofusarelistening
????Dating
????Siobhanwouldliketoreportthatthedatingprofileworkshopfromlastweekhasresultedinadateforthisweekend!
????Generaladultlife
????Daniel:hasanybodybeentotherapy?
????LiyahandJordan,butnotSiobhan
????Bothrecommend
????Kinley’sinsurancecoversmentalhealthcarewell
????UponreviewofapictureofJordaninuni,SiobhanwouldlikeJordannevertoweara“Kissme,I’mIrish”T-shirt
????That’snotwhat“BlackIrish”means
????Ruleaddition:10.LiyahmustexplainanthropologicaltermssothattherestofuscanfollowalongwithherworkupdatesCHAPTER11
LIYAHrefreshestheweatherpageofthelocalnewswebsite,desperateforittocontradictwhatshecanseethroughtheField’sglassfrontdoors:it’ssnowing.Hard.
Sheisnotgoingtopanic.There’sonlyadustingonthegroundsofar,andNeen’sflightdelaycouldbeconstruedasasilverlining,sinceLiyahnolongerhastoworryaboutleavingthewinenightearly.She’llpersonallymakesureitgoesoffwithoutahitch.Patronshavebeenfilteringinforthelasthalfhour,collectingtinyplasticcupsandfillingthemuseumwithhappychatter.
“It’sgoingtobealright,”DanielsaysfromwhereheleansagainstthepillaracrossfromMáximo,theTitanosauruswhotakesupasignificantportionofthehalf-acreStanleyFieldHall.
“Iagree.Iamchoosingtobeoptimistic.”LiyahgripshernowemptycupofSangiovese(earthy,pairswellwithUndergroundAdventure)sotightlythattheflimsyplasticdeformswithasoftcrackle.Daniellooksatherhandandraiseshiseyebrows.“Iknow,flyingswine,snowinhell,etcetera,”shesays.“ButIamtrying.”
“ShouldIbetryingtogetyoumorewine?Xanax?Maybehorsetranquilizer?”
Sheglares.“Notfunny.”
“I’mgonnagowiththewine,”hesays,andsauntersaway.
Liyahtakesadeepbreath,lookingaroundthehall.Fromhervantagepoint,shecanseeupandacrosstheatriumtothewalled-offsectionofthesecondfloorthatwillonedayhouseEvolvingUs.SmilesandlaughteraboundfrompassersbyontheirwaytoseeSUE,andsheimagineswhatitwouldbeliketoseethatwithherexhibitionasthebackdrop.
Eventually,shecan’thelpherself,andshechecksthewebpageagain.ThewordslargestOctobersnowfallonrecordstarebackather.Thepowdered-sugardustingoutsidebeginstolookmorelikeabuttercream.
Liyah’sphonevibrates,acallfromNeenflashingacrossthescreen.Shewantstobelievethatit’stosaythey’vefinallyboarded,butapitinherstomachtellsherotherwise.
“C-J,”Neenstarts,pausingtotakeadeepbreath.
“No.Pleasedon’ttellme—”
“Myflight’scanceled.I’msorry,babe.”
ThedisappointmentwashesoverLiyahinabone-crushingtidalwave.Neen’svisitiswhat’sgottenherthroughthelastweek,nay,lastseveralweeksofmoreworkthanshe’dbargainedfor.CertainlymoreworkthantheFieldhadbargainedforbasedonherutterlymediocresalary.Danielapproacheswithtwocupsofpinotnoir,hisfeaturespuckeredwithconcern.
“Icanhearyousighing,C-J.They’rerebookingmefornextweek,soyoujustgottasurvivewithoutmeuntilthen,K?”
Grippingthephonetightly,Liyahusestheheelofherotherhandtomassagethewrinkleinherforehead,squeezinghereyesshut.“I’mnotsureIcan.”
Neenlaughs,thesoundslightlydistorted,theirmouthtooclosetothereceiver.“Youcanandyouwill.IgottagogetRingooutofeconomyparking,butI’mgonnaseeyousosoon.”
“Notsoonenough!”
“Atleasttrytohaveagoodweekend.Goenjoyyourwinterwonderland.”
“It’sfuckingOctober.I’msuing.”
Neengiggles.“Who,theWeatherChannel?OrGod?”
Despiteherself,Liyahsmiles.“I’llletyouknowwhenIfigureitout.Loveyou,missyou.”
“Loveyou,missyou,too.Seeya,C-J.”Withaclick,they’regone.
“Areyouokay?”Danielasks,handingheracup.Alookoutthewindowconfirmsthatthesnowonthegroundissteadilypilingupandtheflurriesintheairhavedramaticallyreducedvisibledistance.Liyahswallowshalfthewineinonegulp.“I’mgoingtotakethatasano,”hesays.
Liyahlooksatthefloor.“Neen’sflight’sbeencanceled.”
Danielstepsinfrontofher,histallframeshieldingherfromthecropofmillennialmuseumgoers,whoarebeginningtoseemlesslikeanachievementandmorelikealiability.Hetouchesherupperarm,hisholdwarmandgentle.“I’msosorry.Iknowyouwerelookingforwardtoit.”
“IrealizeIsaidIwastryingtobeoptimistic,butlook,”shesays,showinghimthenews.
Heswallows,runshishandthroughhishair.“Shit,okay.Doweneedtocallit?”Liyahcloseshereyes,takesadeepbreath,andnods.“Okay,whatdoyouneedfromme?”
“CanyoutelltheWindyCitypeople?I’llhandletherestandyoucanheadout.”
“I’mgonnahelpyou,Liyah.Thisismyevent,too.”
“Youdon’thaveto—”
He’salreadyturningaway.“It’snonnegotiable.”
LiyahmakesitovertothePAsysteminadaze.Sheannouncestheearlyclosure,wisheseveryoneasaferoutehome,stumblesthroughapologiesandpromisestoreschedule.Outside,thestormcloudsdarkenthesky,andshefeelsarushofmidnighttirednessatbarelysixo’clock.
Herphonevibratesincessantlyinherpocket.
SiobhantoSSC
Nottryingtobethekilljoy,butcanwecancel?I’mquitecozyhereandIreallycan’tbearsedtoputonthermals.
JordantoSSC
Thermals?
SiobhantoSSC
Youknow,longjohns.I’msureyouhaveapair.
JordantoSSC
Notapair,onlyone;)
DanieltoSSC
asshole
butyeah,let’scancel.meandliyaharestillatthefieldtryingtogeteveryonehome
JordantoSSC
Shit,goodluck.MaybeifthesnowmeltswecouldseeNeentomorrow?
Liyahalmostdoesn’twanttorespond,likepingingitacrosscelltowersiswhatwillmakeitreal.Avoidancewon’thelp,though.She’lljusthavetofigureoutatextthatmakeshersoundlessdejectedthanshefeels.Broadcastinghermopinesswouldonlyaddinsulttoinjury.Afteramomentofconsideration,shefiresoffthebestshecancomeupwith.
LiyahtoSSC
Neen’sflightwascanceled:(nextweek,tho!
Theyrespondaboutasexpected:athumbs-downreactionfromJordanandalongmessagethatbeginswithSorry,love!fromSiobhan.Aseparatemessageappears:
Daniel
heardyourannouncement.you’reright,we’llreschedule.it’llbeokay.WCW+Chasbeennotified
Liyah
Thankyou,headingtohelpwithcoatcheck.Thenfigureouthowtogethome.
Daniel
mayisuggesttheCTA?youtakethe146frommuseumcampustowashington,thenhoponthebluelinefromthere
Liyah
Yes,thankyouSOMUCHforexplainingmydailycommute.IwasgonnaleaveearlytogetNeen,soIdrove
Daniel
oh.mayisuggestdrivingyourselfhome?
Sheknowsexactlywhatexpressionhemadeashetypedthemessage:lipsrollingagainstoneanothersothathedoesn’tlaughbeforethewordsland,thecornersofhiseyescrinkling.OhmyGod,shecouldthrottlehim.Andshewould,ifsheweren’talreadyrunningtowardtheSTAFFONLYdoorthatleadstotheemployeesideofcoatcheck.
Liyah
Again,SOhelpful.WhatwouldIdowithoutamanlikeyoutotellmethingsmytinywomanbraincouldn’tfigureoutonitsown?
Ican’tdriveinthesnow,youdolt.
WhenshepicksupDaniel’scall,shegivesaparticularlydramaticeyerollinthehopesthathecanhearitthroughthephone.“CanIhelpyou?”
“Yes.Ineedsomeonetoexplainhowatwenty-seven-year-oldwomancan’tdriveinthesnow,”Danielsays,ignoringtheirritatedtoneshe’sdoingherbesttoputon.
“IgrewupinSeattle!”Liyahprotests.“It’shillyandthecitypracticallyshutsdownwheneverthere’smorethananinchontheground.Wejustdidn’tdriveanywhere.”
“Andyou’velivedinChicagoforhowlong?”
Shesighs.“SinceIstartedcollege.”
“So,you’velivedinChicago,Illinoisforanentiredecade,andyouhaven’tlearnedtodriveinthesnow?”hedemands.Sherollshereyes.“Don’trollyoureyesatme,”hesays.
“Ah!Hecanhearit.IusetheCTAwhenitsnows.Ithoughtyouofallpeoplewouldappreciatethat.”
“ItaketheLforthepleasureandconvenience,notbecauseIshould’vefailedmydriver’stest.”
“Shutup.”Liyahhuffs.“I’manexcellentdriver.”
“Wantmetodriveyou?Iactuallyknowhowtodrive—”
“Iknowhowtodrive!”
“—andIcanwalkhomefromyourplace.”
Liyahpauses,considering.AlargepartofherwantstotellDanielexactlywherehecanshovehispreciousMidwesternlicense,butshealsoisn’ttookeenonleavinghercarovernightandriskingaticketoratow.Theonlyotheroptionistobravetheroad.Shelooksoutthewindowinthehallway.Theremustbefourinchesonthegroundalready.Liyahgroans,mostlytoindicateherreluctancetoDaniel.“MaybeI’llsleephere.”
“Alone,inyouroffice?”heasks.
“I’mnotalone,I’vegotMartha,”shesays,pushingthebackdoortothecoatcheckopen.
“Who’sMartha?”Hisvoiceisincredulous.Liyahcanpracticallyseehiseyebrowquirk.
“Ournewestacquisition,”shesays.“She’sestimatedtobeabouttwohundredthousandyearsold.”
“WhythehellisyourskeletoncalledMartha?”
“Well,whatwouldyouwantmetonameher?”
“Nevermind.Liyah,I’mdrivingyou.”
Sheweavesherwaythroughtheroom,brushingpastwhatmustbemetrictonsofwoolanddown.“Idon’thavetimeforthis.I’mhangingup.”
Toby,eyeswide,hairstickingupatallangles,breathesasighofreliefwhenhespotsLiyah.“It’samadhouse.”
“Iknow,I’msorry.I’mheretohelp.”Hegivesheraquickrundown,andshe’soff,retrievingpeacoatafterpuffyjacketafterbeltedtrenchandtryingtosmileasshehandsthemovertofranticpatrons.
She’smakingarunforticket#178whenshecrashesdirectlyintoDaniel.Hishandsfindherwaist,preventingherfromteeteringover,andshecanfeelhisbreathonherforehead.Eventhroughhersweater,hisfingersburnintoherskin,warmingherblood,acceleratingherpulse.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“LikeIsaid,I’mgonnahelpyou.”
“Thisisemployeesonly.”
Daniellaughs.“Ithinkwe’repastthatpoint.”Hespinsheroutofhisway,joggingtowardToby,andshegoesbacktoherquestfor#178.
Ittakesforty-fiveminutestogetthelastofthewinenightattendeesontheirwayhome,andattheendofit,Liyahisafrazzled,heavingmess.Wordlessly,Danielfollowsheroutofcoatcheckanddownthewindingnetworkofhallwaystowardtheeastemployeeexit.Sheknowsheintendstodriveherhome,butsheisemotionallydepleted,completelybeyondarguing.
Outside,thewindwhipssnowflakesintoherface,blurringhervision.Shesquintstowardtheparkinglot,andanimageofthesoleremainingvehicletakesshape.Hercar,completelycoveredinsnow,onlythetopsofhertiresvisible.
Totalandutterdefeat.Sheslumpsagainstthesideofthebuilding.
“It’sokay,Liyah.We’lldigitout,”Danielsays.
Shelooksupathim,feelingthewallsofherthroatthicken.“Idon’thaveashovel.Maybewecoulduseourhandsaroundthetires,butlookatthelot.Howwouldwedriveoutofthat?”
Danielfrowns.“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’thaveashovel?”
“ImeanIdon’thaveashovel!It’sOctober.ItneversnowsthismuchinOctober.”
“Well,shit.”Heshoveshishandsinhispockets,joiningheragainsttheicyGeorgiamarble.“We’llhavetoleaveit.I’mnotsureifthebusisgoingtocome,butwecanwalktotheL.”
Liyahcloseshereyesforamoment.Whensheopensthem,shelooksdownathershoes.There’salreadyalayerofwhitesprinkledoverthebrownleather.“Theycheckatfour,andanycarleftgetsaticketoratow.I’mstaying.”
“Ithoughtyoucouldn’tdriveinthesnow.”
“Thecity’llhavesentplowsoutbythen.I’vealreadygotmyairmattressforthesleep-innextweek.I’llsetanalarmforthreethirtyandfigureitout.”
ShemakeseyecontactwithDanielnow,andit’samazinghowbrighttheamberofhiseyeslookswithonlyoneorange-huedstreetlamptoilluminatethem.Histonguesweepsoutoverhisbottomlip,andsheknowshewantshertoforgetaboutthecarandheadhome.Hedoesn’ttellher,though.Maybeherealizesthefutility.Instead,hesays,“Alright,then.Let’sgoinside.IDcard?”Heholdsouthishandexpectantly.
“Gohome,Rosenberg.”
“Absolutelynot.IDcard,please.”Hetapshisfingersagainsthispalmtwice,reachingittowardher.
Shelooksathishand,backupathiseyes.“Daniel,thisisn’tyourresponsibility.I’mtheonewhodecidedtodrive—”
Heinterruptsherwithaloudexhale.“Liyah,Iamnotleavingyouhere,andI’mgettingcold.Swipeusinyourself,orgivemetheID.”
EVENTUALLY,LIYAHOBLIGES,andhesmileslikehewonaprize.“Gotanythingtoeat?”heaskswhentheyreachthetopofthestairs.
“There’sleftovershittypizzafromtoday’sstaffmeeting,”Liyahgrumbles,doinganabout-face,presumablytowardthepizza.
Danielfollowsatherheels.“Perfect,Iwasplanningonpizzafordinnertonight,anyway.”
“Frozen?”
“Nope,Imadethedoughlastnight.”
“Ah,”shesays.“ThedichotomyofDanielWoo-jinRosenberg.Digitalmarketingstrategyinthefront,tattoosandartisanalpizzaintheback.”
Helaughs.“I’macomplexindividual.Doyoustillhavethosewinesamplesinyouroffice?Wantmetograbsome?”
“Yesplease.Thirddooronyourright.”Heturnstoleave,butLiyahcallsafterhim.“Wait—wheredoyouwanttoeat?Wecanaccessanywhereinthemainthreefloorsfromhere.”
Danielgrins.“Well,eversinceyoumentionedit,I’vebeendyingtoseeSUE’smassivefurcula.”
Theymeettherefifteenminuteslater—Liyahwithaboxofmicrowavedpizza,paperplates,plasticcups,andherlaptop,DanielwithasmallcrateofwineandLiyah’sovernightbag.Findingthatneitherofthemhaveacorkscrew,DanielslipsoffhisleftshoeandtucksabottleofChablisinitsheelbeforepoundingitagainstthefloor.Thesoundechoesoffthewallsoftheemptyexhibitionroom,tanglingwiththedinoftheinflatingairmattress.BeadsofsweatcollectonDaniel’sforehead,andbythetimehegetsthecorktopop,Liyahsitscross-leggedonthealreadymadebed,twoplatesofpizzainfrontofher.
“Where’dyoulearnthat?”sheasks.
“Mydad,”hesays,busyinghimselfbyfillingtheircups.Themomenthejoinsher,Liyahstuffsabiteofpizzainhermouthanddoesanot-quite-moan,not-quite-groan.Danielfeelsitinhiscore.
Theoverheadlightshavebeenturnedoffforthenight,theonlylightintheroomprovidedbythespotlightsonSUEandtheLEDsthatlineherplatform.Astheyeat,eeriequiethollowsthespacearoundthem.
“It’sweirdbeingherewithoutotherpeople,”Liyahsaysbeforetakinghersecondbite.
“Yeah,itis.IthinkNightattheMuseuminstilledacertainfearinme.”Shenods.“Doyouwanttoputonsomemusic?”HeopenshisSpotifyappandpassesherhisphone.
“OhmyGod.”Liyahgasps,turningthescreentohim.“Madcon’sConquestisyourmostrecentsearch?”
“Beforeyoumakefunofme,IneedyoutoknowthatIhaveaverystrongemotionalattachmenttothatalbum.”
“IwouldnevermakefunofyouforlikingNorway’sgreatestexport.”She’salreadyscrolling,jumpingtoherfeet.“Andthisalbum!IplayeditsomuchinhighschoolIthoughtmydadwasgoingtothrowoutmyiPodNano.”DanielwatchesassheheadstooneoftheinteractivetablesinfrontofSUE,bendingatthewaisttopropthephoneupagainstamodelbone.
TshaweBaqwa’sversionofFrankieValli’sclassiclyricscomesthroughthetinyspeakers,andLiyahtwistsaroundtofaceDaniel,doingaspot-onlip-syncrendition.“Ooh,putyourlovinghandout,baby,I’mbeggin’you,”Liyahmouthsasthoughthesmokytimbrecomesfromherthroat.Danielalmostbelievesit.
Then,thebeatdrops.AndLiyahmoves
It’sobviousthatshe’sanincredibledancer.Notbecauseshe’sshowingoff—it’sclearfromhertheatrichairflipsandmicrophonemimingthatshe’sbeingsilly—butbecauseeveninherfun,she’shittingeverygoddamnnotewithherhips.It’srarethatDanielhastheopportunitytolookatherlikethis,tounabashedlystarewithoutriskofseemingcreepyorenduringsnidecomments,sohetakesfulladvantage.Shedoesalittlespin,andthatsparkofattractionhe’dfeltwhenshefirstsatnexttohimontheplanelightsaflameinhisstomach.
Thesecondchorushits,andLiyahsingsalong,loudlyandverypoorly,motioningforhimtoputhishandsout.Helaughsandaccepts,andshedragshimtohisfeetandtowardthemakeshiftdancefloorthatwasonceanexhibitionhall.
Danielhasneverbeenadancer.Hevolunteerstoliftthechairatweddingsandb’naimitzvahonhisdad’ssideofthefamilyjusttoavoidcrushingtoesinhisterribleattemptattheHora.Buthere,infrontofthisdinosaur,alternatingbetweenthesnorkelandthesprinklerwhileLiyahgigglesandmaddeninglytwistsherhips,he’snotaboveacareerchange.
“Ican’tkeepupwithyou.”Heshakeshishead,buthe’ssmilingsohardithurts.
“Sureyoucan,”Liyahsays,andthenherhandsareonhishipsandshe’sguidingthembackandforth.Hestepsclosertoher,heartracing.“Justrelax.”
Animpossibletaskwithherlookingathimlikethat,buthenodsandstealsabreathanddoeshisbesttofollowalong.
Withoutthinking,DanielplaceshishandsoverLiyah’s.“Yourfingersarestillcold,”hemurmurs.
“Sorry,”shesays,butdoesn’tremovethem.Instead,everymotionbringsthemcloser,asthoughthere’samagnetrightbetweenhishipbonesandit’spullingonsomethingbehindherbellybutton.Liyah’sbreathtickleshisthroat.Heririsesarepoolsofblack,barelycatchingtheambientlightfromSUE’sdisplay.Alotaboutherhaschanged,buthereyeslookexactlyastheydidinthecampobservatory,litupbyhisdad’slantern.Iwanttokissher,hethinks,andheswallowsthethoughtwhole.
Thesongends,forcingthembackapart.Heflexeshisfingers,tryingtocalmthenervesstillreelingfromLiyah’stouch.
“Wanttowatchsomething?”sheasks.
“NotbeforeyoushowmeSUE’sfurcula,”hereplies.
“It’srightthere,joininghercoracoids,”shesays.
“Right.”Danielsweepsthehairoffhisforeheadwithhislefthand.“Iobviouslyknowwhatcoracoidsare.Butincasesomeofouraudiencemembersdon’t…”
Liyahletsoutasparklinglaugh,pointingtowardSUE’schest.“Thoseflatpiecesthatlooklikeshoulderblades.Thefurculaistheswoopythingabovethem.”
Helooksatthebone,shapedmorelikeaboomerangthantheenormousOperationboard-gamewishbonehe’dpictured.“It’ssmallerthanIexpected.”
Liyahcluckshertongue.“Yetanotherunrealisticbeautystandardforwomen.”Daniellaughs,andsheflashesasmileupathim.“Satisfied?CanIsetupmylaptopnow?”
Theyendupwatchingarealitydatingshowthat—despiteyellingathercomputerscreen—Liyahinsistsshehasnopersonalinvestmentin.Atsomepoint,shoesarekickedoff,cardigansremoved,shirtsuntucked,blanketspulledup.It’snotcomfortable,perse,lyingonthismattressthatdepressesmorethanitshouldunderDaniel’sweight.It’smaybeevenuncomfortable,butinthismoment,Danielisthehappiesthe’sbeenallyear.
WHENTHESHOWends,LiyahputsonMeanGirls,inpartdaringDanieltocommentonherchoiceinmedia.Hedoesn’t,andshespendstheone-hour-thirty-seven-minuterun-timepretendingnottonoticethatwheneveroneofthemmoves,theysinktowardthecenterofthemattress.Towardeachother.It’ssheerluckthatthey’veyettocollide.
Thecreditsroll,andDanielyawns,stretchinghisarmsoverhishead.Sheshutshercomputer,slidingitintoitssleeve.It’salmostmidnight,andtheyhavetobeupinthreeandahalfhours.She’sremindedoftheirlongnightssneakingoutatcamp,followedbydaysspentnappinginthesunwhiletheirfriendsgossipedandplayedEgyptianRatScrew.Liyahhasbeenrememberingalotmoreofthosedetailslately,memoriesshethoughtwerelonglosttoshameandembarrassment.Thebadthingsarestillthere,too.There’sjustroomformore.“Bedtime,”shesays.
“IsitokayifItakemyshirtoff?”Danielasks,hisvoiceshy.“I,um,sleepkindahot.”
Liyahswallowsandnods,burrowingbeneaththecovers.ShestaresaheadatSUEashepartiallyundresses,keepingherfocusfixedevenasherockstheentiremattresswhenclimbingin.Sheseeshishalf-clothedforminherperipheryanyway,everythingabouthimasharpreminderthatthey’renolongerthirteen.
TheyexchangegoodnightsandLiyahcurlsup,facingawayfromhim.Shestrugglestomakeherselfcomfortable,notwantingtobotherhim.Asshemakesminusculeadjustments,shewishesshehadpushedhimonlettingherstayherealone.Shetypicallydoesn’tevensleepwiththepeopleshehooksupwith,andshefearsthatshe’llspendtheentirenightwideawake,hyperawareofDaniel’severymove.Withathirdlegshift,she’sabouthalfwaytowhereshewantstobe.
Asshe’sstartingtosettle,Danielpokesherside.“Liyah?”
“What?”Sherollsover,wastinganespeciallyoutstandingglareinthelowlightoftheroom.
“Gimmeyourhand.”Danielfumblesaroundtheflooronhissideofthemattress,apparentlyfindingwhathewaslookingforandplacingitinherpalm.Heuseshiscallusedfingerstocloseherfistaround…nothing.“Thisistheticketyougaveme.CanIuseitnow?”
Anytraceofirritationvanishes,andLiyahturnsherhandoversothatshecanholdhis.“Itoldyouitwasgoodforwheneveryouwant,”shesayssoftly.
“Aboutayearago,mydaddied.”Adeepinhale.Liyahsqueezeshishandasherheartsqueezesinherchest.“Lungcancer,”Danielsays.CHAPTER12
DANIELtakesanotherdeepbreath.He’sgladforthedimroom.“Areyougonnaask?”
“Askwhat?”
Danielswallows.“Ifhesmoked.”
“Oh.No,Iwasn’tgoingto,”shesayscarefully.“Doesn’treallymatter,doesit?Eitherway,hewasyourdad.”Shesaysitlikeit’seasy,likeit’sobvious.
That’snewtohim.“Mostpeopleask.Anditmakesmesogoddamnangry.Hequitsmokingdecadesagoandthedoctorssaidthatwecan’treallyknowifthat’swhatcausedit.Heusedtojokethatgivingupcigarsruinedhispensiveprofessorshtick,butEommaalwayswouldrespondthatnooneboughtitinthefirstplace…”Heletshisvoicetrailoff,theninhalestoregainhiscomposure.“So,maybeitwasthetobacco,andmaybenot.Butwhofuckingcares?Isitbetterifheplayedsomeroleinit?FromwhereI’msitting,Icantellyouitisn’t.Notonebit.”Danielgoessilent,andLiyahreachesforhisotherhand.Hisbreathingisshaky.Heshouldprobablyturnback,tellhertoforgetitandgotosleep.He’snotgoingtomakehersitthroughthis.
ButLiyahrunsherthumbsoverthebacksofhishands,andhisresolvecrumbles.Heknowsrightthenthathe’lltellheranythingshewantstoknow.Maybemore
“IstayedinMadisonforthefuneralandshiva,andImanagedtofunctionthroughit.ThenwhenIgotbackhere,Ijust…shutdown.Kaylatookanextraweekoffworksoshecouldwatchme.ItwaslikeshethoughtIwouldstarvewithouther.”Heletsoutadrylaugh.“Idon’treallyremembereatingmuchduringthattime,somaybeshewasright.Icouldn’twrapmyheadaroundit,aroundhimbeinggone.Whichissillyandchildishbecauseit’snotlikeitwassudden.Hewassickforyears,onandoff,andintheend…”
Hepausestogulpforair.Liyahtakestheopportunitytosay,“It’snotsillyorchildish,Daniel.”
Hehasnoideahowtorespondtothat.Shegiveshishandsanothersqueeze.“Intheend,hewassotired.Itwasareliefinsomeways,toknowhewasnolongerinpain.Butmostly,Ijustwanthimhere.Itfeelslike…Idon’tknow.Aholeinthefloormaybe?Likehedied,andthenthisgiantpotholeappeared,andforawhileallIcoulddowasstareatit,becauseIdidn’tknowhowtofillitin.I’mnotsureifKaylatoldthemortheyjustrealizedhowmuchofamessIwas,butAlexandJordankeptcheckingonme.IthinkIwasscaringthem.It’skindofablur.Theyhelpedalot,though.MorethanIcanhopetorepay.Andthentherewasmycat,SweetPotato.”
“YougotSweetPotatolastyear?”
“Yeah.Iwaspassingbytheanimalrescueandsawherinthewindow.AnhourlaterIwasthreehundreddollarspoorerthankstoanadoptionfeeandanopportunisticPetSmartemployee.IthoughtKaylawouldsayitwasrash,butsheapprovedoftheidea.Saiditwasgoodformetoberesponsibleforsomethingotherthanmyself.”Hepauses,losinghistrainofthought.
“She’syourphonebackground,isn’tshe?”Henods,surprisedthatLiyahnoticed.“SweetPotatohelpedwiththeholeinthefloor?”
Heconsidersit.“Notreally.Butshehelpedinotherways.Ijustdecidedtopretendtheholewasn’tthere.Butnowit’sbitingmeintheass,becauseIcan’tpretendforever,andIstilldon’tknowhowtopatchit.”
It’sawhilebeforeLiyahspeaks,likeshe’swaitingtoseeifDanielhasmoretosay.Hedoesn’t.“Thepharmaaccount?”shewhispers.
Andthereitis:thattumbleweedofangerballedintosadnessthatlikestorollaroundthedesertofDaniel’schestcavity.“Duringhissecondtimethroughchemo,therewasashortage,andhedelayedoneofhisroundssoitcouldgotothepediatricunit.Itprobablydidn’tmakeadifference,butIcan’thelpbut—”Thewordscatchinhisthroat.
Withouthesitation,Liyahcrossesthesmalldistancebetweenthemandwrapshiminahug.Herfingersrunupanddownhisspine,andhetuckshisheadintothecrookofherneck,inhalingthescentofher.Lavender,cocoa,spice.Allhecanthinkishowmuchheneedshercloser,sohepullsherintightly,feelinghertorsomeltagainsthis,legsthreadingtogether.Tearsprickthebacksofhiseyes,andhecan’tbringhimselftocareifLiyahnotices.
“Thankyoufortellingme,”shemurmurs,herlipsbrushingagainsthisear.
“Thankyouforlistening,”hesaysintoherneck.
“Doyouwanttotellmeabouthim?”
Danielshakeshishead,nuzzlinghisnosefartherintohershoulder.“But…anothertime,maybe?”
Liyahnods,herjawscrapingagainsthischeek.Hepullsbackalittle,enoughthathecanjustbarelymakeouttheplanesofherface.
“God,I’msorry,I’mdumpingallofthisonyou.Ididn’tmeanto—”
“No,Daniel.Don’tapologize.We’refriends,andI’mhappytolisten.”Friends.Thewordfillshimup,andheletsit.Hethoughtshefeltthatway,butit’snicetohearhersayit.
“Doyouwanttotellmesomething?”heasks.Thehandrunningacrosshisshoulderbladesstills.“Imean,I’vealreadyproventhatI’mverygoodatcarryingaroundyourbaggage.”
Liyahgiggles,playfullyslappinghisback.“ItoldyoumultipletimesthatIcouldgetitfromtheoverheadbinmyself.”
“Still,Ididagreatjob,didn’tI?”
“Sureyoudid.”Apause.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Whateveryouwanttotellme.Worstbreakup?”
Liyahshrugs.“Ihaven’tdatedanybodyseriouslysincehighschool,sotherehasn’treallybeenanythingtobreak.”
“Really?Butwhataboutthedatingappmisadventures?”Danieldoesn’thidehissurprise.TheLiyahinhismindalwayshadaslewofadmirers,andhe’dthoughtforsurethatatleastonewouldhavehadthesensetotrytotieherdown.
“Ionlydoverycasual.”
Cometothinkofit,she’stheonlySSCmemberwhohasn’tmentionedanex.Danielhadchalkedituptoadesireforprivacy,likewithherfirst-timestory.Maybethere’smoretoit.“Oh.Why?”heasks.
Liyah’slaughisunmistakablysardonic,melodicbuthollow.“Ithinkthere’sbeenenoughemotionalturmoilforthenight.Anothertime,maybe.”
“Okay.”Danieltightensthehugonelasttime,thenreleaseshertohersideoftheairmattress.“Goodnight,Liyah.”
“Goodnight,Daniel,”Liyahwhispers,andheallowshiseyelidstofallheavy.
AFTERWHATFEELSlikethirtysecondsofsleep,thealarmblaresloudly.Theonlysignthattimehaspassedisthedeflationoftheairmattress,whichhasforcedLiyahhalfontopofDaniel,hiselbowpokinghersquarelyinthesternum.It’sfarfromtheleastcomfortablepartofwakingupinthisposition.
Theyscrambletotheirfeet,dress,packupthemattressandbedding,andmakeittoherofficeinrecordtime.Theystowthecrateofwineandsleep-inmaterialsunderherdesk,andthenthey’reoff,racingtotheeastmuseumlotbeforethemetermaidcanbeatthem.
Liyah,hyperventilating,swingsopenthedoorwithsuchforcethatitbangsagainstthesideofthebuilding.Thenshechecksherphone,seesthatit’sonly3:45,andstopstocatchherbreath.“Wedidit.”Shewheezes.
“Andthestreetsareplowed,”Danielsays.Sheturnstohim,andthelookonherfacemustreallybesomething,becausehereleasesaraucouslaughbetweenheavybreaths.“I’llstilldriveyou,don’tworry.”
Shebitesherlip,fixatedonthesnow-blanketedpavementbelow.Evenplowed,there’sstillalot.“ButIdon’twanttomakeyouwalkfrommyplaceinthis.”
“HowaboutIdriveyoutominetogetyouthroughdowntown,andthenyoucandrivetherestoftheway?Youcantakesidestreetsandgoasslowlyasyouwant.Westillhaveafewminutes,Icouldrunbackinandprintyoua‘studentdriver’sign.”
“I’mprettysureyou’rejoking,butdon’tyoudare.”
Danielshakeshishead,hissleep-crumpledhairbrushingacrosshisforehead.Thenheleanshisheaddownuntilhiseyesarelevelwithhers.“Liyah,”hewhispers.He’ssoclose,thewhitewispsofhershakyexhalegrazehisface.“Pleaseletmedrive?”
“Alright,fine.Toyourplaceonly,”shesays,andstartsdownthesteps.
AsDanielwalkswithhertotheparkinglot,he’sgotabigsmileplasteredonhislipsandarosyflushinhischeeks.Liyah,ontheotherhand,shiversviolently,hergrimacedeepeningwitheveryshudder.Herfallcoatusuallydoesn’tfailher,butit’snomatchforasurpriseblizzard.ShetossesDanielherkeysandshoveshericyhandsintoherpockets
“You’reinagoodmood,”shesaysashefiddleswithnobstopushthedriver’sseatseveralinchesback.Theyspendmostoftheirtimetogetherseated,soLiyahoftenforgetsaboutDaniel’sheight,butthenhedoessomethinglikethis,andshefindsherselffightingtheimpulsetolethereyescrawlupanddownhislongframe.
“It’sthefirstsnowoftheseason!”
“Thewrongseason.Andit’sfourinthemorning.Wesleptliketwohours,”Liyahgrumbles,butDaniel’sstillsportingamillion-wattsmile.AshepullsoutoftheparkinglotandtowardthedenselygriddedstreetsofdowntownChicago,he’salleaseandconfidence,onehandlooselygrippingthesteeringwheelwhereLiyahwouldbewhite-knucklingit.TheplaylistLiyahhadbeenlisteningtobeforethewinenightseepsthroughthespeakers,andshereachesovertospinthedialforthevolume.Musicroaring,shematchesDaniel’sreclinedpostureandcloseshereyes.
Danielwakesherwhentheyreachhisplace,andLiyahrubsherface,squinting.Theflakesintheairareslower,butstillfalling.Sheisn’tsureiftheplowshaven’tmadeithereyetorifthegroundcoveringhasreplenishedthatquickly.
“Liyah,it’snotplowedyet.Justletme—”
“It’sonlyafewblocks,Daniel.I’llbefine.”Shetriestoholdinheryawn,notwantingtoundermineherpoint.It’salosinggame.
Aftertheysaytheirgoodbyes(andearnest,ifbegrudging,thanks),Liyahclimbsintothedriver’sseat.Assheadjustsitforward,shecanseeDanielwatchingher.He’sstandingthere,armsfolded,easysmile,asshepsychesherselfuptodrivetherestofthewayhome.
Sherakesherfingersintotherootsofherhair.“Youcandothis,Liyah,”shemuttersaloud.Despitetherolled-upwindow,shecanfeelDanieltryingnottolaugh.Doeshereallyneedtobestandingthere?Shechecksherrearviewandsidemirrorsonce,twice.He’sactuallylaughingnow.Fuckhim,she’sleaving.
Liyahturnsthesteeringwheeltopullontothestreet,gentlydepressingthegaspedal,butnothinghappens.Whichisprobablybecauseshehasn’tstartedtheengine.
Fuck,fuck,fuck.
LiyahstartlesattherapofDaniel’sknucklesonthedriver’swindowbutobligeswhenhemotionsforhertorollitdown.“Yousureyoudon’twantmetodriveyouhome?Offer’sstillgood.”
Sheglares.“You’llgetfrostbitewalkingbackinyourdressshoes,andIdon’twantthatonmyconscience.”
Danielexhalesheavilythroughhisnose,fistinghishandsintohiscoatpockets.“Fine,Iwon’tdrive.Butyou’retired,it’ssnowing,andthisisawreckwaitingtohappen.Stayhereandgetsomerest.It’llbeplowedbydaylight,andthenyoucandriveyourselfhome,okay?”
He’sofferingtohaveherspendwhat’sleftofthenight?Liyahhasn’tevenseentheinsideofhisapartmentbefore.Shepartsherlips,readytosayshedoesn’tneedhelp,butthat’sclearlyuntrue.Also,she’ssuddenlypainfullycuriousaboutthecolorofhisbedspread,whetherhehasanyartonhiswalls,howwell-stockedhekeepshisspicecabinet.“Alexwon’tmind?”sheasks,stillhesitatingtostepoutofthecar.“Idon’twanttointrude.”
DANIELSIGHS,LOOKINGupatthelarge,lazilyfallingsnowflakes.Liyahisbeingaboutasdifficultasheexpected,andit’sdoingnothingtodampenhismood.Thecoldestdaysofwinter,he’dhappilyabandon,buthe’dbelyingifhesaidhisyearsinCaliforniahadn’tmadehimmissthesnow.Hepullsonthecardoorhandle,swingingitopen.“Youarenotintruding,andAlexisweatheringthestormatMarcwithac’s.”
“Alright,”sherelents,exitingthevehicleatlast,crunchingthefreshsnowunderherheeledboots.Shesilentlyfollowshimuptohisapartment,slippingoffhershoesandcoatatthedoor.Hedoesthesame,androllsuphisshirtsleevesforgoodmeasure,wonderinghowlongit’lltakeforLiyahtonoticeandpokefun.
ButLiyahistoooccupiedwiththefluffy,purringanimalinherarmstotakestockofhim.“Sweetbaby,”Liyahcoos,bendinghernecktoplantakissbetweenSweetPotato’sears.Thecatshutshereyesandletsithappen,tuftsoforangehairobscuringLiyah’snose.ApparentlyrememberingDaniel’spresence,Liyahturnsandsays,“Ican’tbelieveyouhaven’tintroducedusbefore.”
Heshrugs.“Don’tthinkshe’ddotoowellinacrowdedbar.SweetPotato,thisisLiyah.Liyah,SweetPotato.”
“SweetPotato!”Liyahechoes,plantinganotherkiss.
Danielgrins.“Wow,shelovesyou.”
Liyahlooksupathim,eyesbright.It’snotjusthim,itseems:SweetPotatocancureallills.“Jealous?”Shesmirks.
“Iam.AfterIadoptedher,itwasafewweeksandseveraltunabribesbeforesheletmepetherwithouthissing.”
Liyahlaughs.“GuessI’vegotthemagictouch.Alright,whereareyoursheets?Icantakethecouch.”
Danielswallows.“Liyah,we’vealreadysharedanairmattress.”AndIlearnedwhatitfeltliketowakeupwithyouontopofme,whichIdefinitelywillnotbereplayinginmymindfortherestofmylife.
“Youknowwhat?”shesays.“I’mtootiredtoargue.”
Danielsmiles.“Araretreasure.Wantachangeofclothes?IcangrabsomesweatsandaT-shirt.”
“Yes,please.”Shebitesherlip,hereyestravelingdownhislegs.“Wait,”shesays.“CouldyoujustgrabmethelargestT-shirtyou’vegot?”
“Sure.”Danieldoesjustthat,thenshowshertothebathroom,pointingoutwhichfacewashandlotionarehisanddirectinghertothedrawerfullofsparetoothbrushes.
Backinhisroom,heundresseshurriedly,switchingintotheplaidpajamabottomshismomgothimthatheneverwears.Consideringheusuallysleepsstarknaked,this’llhavetodo.ThankGodhechangedhissheetsearlier.
“Daniel?”Liyahcallsfromthebathroom.Hedartsoutofhisroom,thinkingthatheforgottogethertoothpaste.Whenhearrives,Liyahasks,“Isthisaone-night-standkit?”
Hischeeksburn.“BlameAlex.”
Sheturnstowardhim,smugsmileonherfaceandhandonherhip.“Alex’shookupsregularlyusesilkhairscrunchiesandtampons?Imean,maybesomedo,butawholedrawer?Thatseemsunlikely.”
Danielblushesdeeper,shakinghishead.“No,butheinsistedIkeepthem.IfigureIshouldlisten,he’sthehookuppro.Notthatwe’re…”
“Well,Alex,orientationaside,sureknowshowtopleasealady.Imight‘accidentally’forgettoreturnthisscrunchie.I’malwayslosingmine.”
Daniellaughs.“Takeasmanyasyouwant,they’renotgettingmuchuse.”
“Suretheyaren’t,”Liyahsays,pattinghisbarechestandslidingpasthimtodisappearintohisbedroom.
MAYBESHESHOULDhaveaskedforthesweatpants,butLiyah’sseenDaniel’slegs,andshe’salsoseenherown.It’spossiblethattheheightdifferencewouldhavecompensatedforhislackofhips,butit’snotthekindofdaywhereshecouldhandletheemotionalblowofhispantsfailingtopullupoverherthighs.Nowshe’slookinginhismirroredclosetdoorandhopingthatthemid-thighreachofhisT-shirtisn’ttooindecent.
Thenagain,there’snothingdecentaboutDaniel’snakedtorso,letalonethetrailofdarkhairthatdisappearsunderhisflannelpajamas(orthewayhistanskinstretchesoverhisgentlydefinedstomach,orhowhistattooperfectlyaccentuatesthemusclesinhisarms).
Sheshakesherheadvigorously,tryingtodislodgeherthoughts.You’reagrownwoman;youcanshareabedwithoutgoingthere.
Footstepsapproachthedoor,andLiyahdoesaquicksurveyofhisnightstands.Hisbookandphonechargerareontheleftone,butSweetPotatoiscurledupasleepontherightsideoftheterra-cotta-coloredduvet,andLiyahdoesn’thavethehearttomoveher.
Duringhermomentofindecision,there’saknock.“Youdecent?”Danielasks.
“Yeah.”Ihope.“Tryingtofigureouthowtogetinthebedwithoutdisturbingyourcat.Comein.”
“Slidehertowardthemiddle,shewon’tmind.”Liyahdoesashesays,andSweetPotatobarelystirs.“Shirtworkoutokay?”
“Yes,IamnowaproudWisconsinBadgersfan,”Liyahsays,sittingdownonthebed.Great.Fromthisangle,she’sgotaviewofhisV-linestocontendwith.Shequicklydrawsthecoversupoverhergoosebump–studdedskin.Hiscovers.Becauseshe’sinhisbed.Notanairmattressthey’resharingoutofdesperation—hisbed.Onlynowdoessherealizeshecouldhavelefthercarandwalkedhome,ortoldhimtograbhissnowbootsbeforehedroveher.
Danielsmiles,sittingdownonhissideofthebedtoremovehissocks.“Asyoushouldbe,”hesays.
Liyahliesback,pullingthesheetsuptohernose.Daniel’ssheets.She’stellingherselfnottopanic,butthenheliftstheblanketonhissideandslidesunderthecoverswithasighthatmakesherstomachflip.IaminDaniel’sbed.IaminDanielRosenberg’sbed.WhatthefuckamIdoinghere?
“Liyah,Ineedyoutostopfreakingout.”
Sheturnstofacehim,frowning.“Iamnotfreakingout.”
“We’lldealwithJeffandBrettcomeMonday.Fornow,let’sgetsomerest.”Liyahswallowsandnods,eventhoughthewinenightcouldnotbefurtherfromhermind.“Goodnight,Liyah.ThanksforshowingmeSUE’sfurcula.”
“Stopobjectifyingher,youperv.”
Daniel’slaughfadesintoayawn,andwithatwistofaknob,hecaststhemintodarkness.Liyahdoesn’tevenrememberherheadhittingthepillow.
AfactLiyahthoughtshe’dneverknow:DanielRosenbergcuddlesinhissleep.Sodoeshiscat.ShedistinctlyrememberssettlingunderthesheetswithagoodfootofmattressbetweenherandDaniel,SweetPotatocurledupatthefootofthebed.Now,LiyahfindsherselfinaRosenbergsandwich.SweetPotatoissituatedintherightangleformedbyherthighsandtorso;Liyah,inturn,restsagainstthesameplaceonDaniel.Hisarmdrapeslooselyoverherwaistandhisheavybreath(ormaybesnore,butthatseemstoostrongawordforthesoundhe’smaking)ticklesthebackofherneck.
Liyahissurprisednotonlythatshesleptthroughthenight,butalsoathowcomfortableshefindsherselfinthisbedthatsmellslikeOldSpiceandcleansheetsandDaniel.Thatis,untilherstomachgrumbles.Contemplatinghowtoextractherselfwithoutwakingherbedmates,Liyahtiltsforwardslightly.TheRosenbergs(orisitRosensberg,likepassersby?)remainwheretheyare,chestsrisingandfallinginsomnolentrhythm.Awiggle.Stillnothing.Feelingbolder,Liyahrocksforward.
Disaster.ThemotioncausesthealreadycurledUWMadisonshirttorideupfartherandDaniel’shandtofallfromherwaisttothebareskinjustabovetheseamofherpanties.Histouchsendsacurrentthroughherentirebody,causinghereveryhairtostandonendandhertoshootboltuprightinthebed.
“S’everythingalright?”Danielmumbles.Hismorningvoiceisdeepandgravellybutbetweenrubbinghiseyesandslurringhiswords,hegivestheimpressionofanenormous,disorientedtoddler.
“Yes,um,gobacktosleep.I’mgoingtomakebreakfast.”Liyahstumblesoutofthebedasfastashumanlypossible,anowveryawakeSweetPotatomeowingatherheels.
Safelyinthekitchen,Liyahgripstheedgeofthecounterandheavesoutthebreathshe’sbeendesperatelyholding.What.Thefuck.Wasthat.EndingupinbedonaFridaywithsomeonebeautifulisLiyah’sforte(atleast,beforethenewexhibitionandthemarketingprojectgotintheway),butwakingupnexttothem?Feelinganinnocentbrushoftheirfingersonherstomachinguiltyplaces?She’smilesoutofherelement.
Oh,God.Liyah,ofallpeople,understandshowpreciousagifttrustis.Howmuchthatkindoffriendshipcanmean.Hell,shewassecondsawayfromdragginghimintotheworstofherownissues.Sheprobablywouldhaveifhehadpressedher.Whichiswhysheneedstostoprelivingthedragofhiscallousedfingertipsacrossherskin.
Daniel’sbodywaswarmandfirmagainstherswhenshewoke,bentaroundherlikeshewasmeanttofitthere.
Stop,Liyah.SheshouldneverhavelistenedtoNeen,alwayseggingheron.
SheshouldcallNeen.
Butshecan’texactlypickupthephoneandsay,“IsharedanairmattressfollowedbyarealmattresswithDanielRosenbergandnowIthinkI’mattractedtohim;doyouhaveahoroscopeforthis?”whenDaniel’sinthenextroom.
Right,breakfast.
Liyahrummagesinhisfridge,extractingeggs,cheese,andabellpepper.Itoccurstoherthathemightwantsomeformofbreakfastmeat,buthedoesn’thaveanyinhisfridge,soshepullsopenthefreezerdrawer.Underneathapackageofbaconisafamiliarlystampedbrownpaperbag,nowencasedinafreezer-safeZiploc.Brownstein’sBagelBakery,whilegoodenoughtoforgivethealliteration,isatrainrideandtwobusesawayfromhere.
There’sapanginLiyah’schest,somethinglikeflatterybutsharper.Sheslidestwopumpernickelsintothetoasterovenandbusiesherselfchoppinganonionandheatingoilinapan.
LiyahispouringbeateneggsoverthebrownedvegetableswhenshehearsDanielemergefromhisbedroom.“Thecoffee’sready,butIhopeyoulikeyourbaconburnt,”shesays.“Ihavemanytalents,butcookingdeadanimalsisnotoneofthem.”
Danielchuckles.“Thankyou.We’lljustcallitextracrispy.”Hisvoiceisstillroughandlow,inthewayitonlycanbewhenyou’verunitraworhaven’tuseditinawhile.
Sheturnstofacehim.Mentally,sheknewthathewouldn’tbewearingashirt.Beforewasbadenough,butthesightofhimnowiscatastrophic.Hisdarkhairismessy,aloosewavefallinginfrontofhisface.Thosetartanpajamapantshanglowonhiships,andtheentireleftsideofhisbodyglowsfromthesnow-reflectedsunlightstreamingthroughhiswindow.
Liyah’steethsinkdeeplyintoherbottomlip,andshereturnstoscramblingtheeggs.“Yeah,let’scallitthat.”
“Liyah?”
“Yes?”shesays,voicealittletoohigh-pitched,notlookingupasshescrapestheeggscrambleontoplateswiththetoastedbagels.
“Doyoufeelweirdaboutourconversationlastnight?Becauseyou’renotmakingeyecontact.”
Well,maybeyoushouldgetanewphysicalform,orifyouinsistonthisone,atleasthavethedecencytokeepitcovered.Shepusheshisplatetowardhim,lookinghimdirectlyinhisamber-coloredeyes.“Idon’tfeelweirdaboutitatall.I’mjusthungry.”
Hesmiles.“Ah,yes.I’llletyougetsomethinginyourtummybeforetheclawscomeout.”
Sherollshereyesbeforeemphaticallytakingalargebiteofeggs.They’redelicious.Shesighs,contented.MaybeherreactiontohimthismorningwasjustanunusualbrandofLiyah’snormalhunger-inducedemotionaldysregulation.
Theyeatinsilence,andwhenLiyahfinishes,Danielrisestocleartheplatesandloadthemintothedishwasher.SweetPotatocurlsuponLiyah’slapandpurrsatherheadscratcheswhileDanielscrubsatthepans.
“WeirdQ,”Danielsayswhiledryingonewithadishtowel.“YoudoinganythingonThursdaynight?”
“Idon’tthinkso,why?”
“It’smydad’sYahrzeit.We’regoingtobedoingsomeofthetraditionsforJesa,whichistheKoreanmemorialfortheanniversaryofadeath.MymomdiditforhergrandparentswhenshestilllivedwithourfamilyinBusan.Wouldyouwanttocome?”
“Oh,um.Areyousure?Won’titbeafamilything?”
Henods.“I’msure.We’renotgoingtobedoingthefulltraditiononeitherside,justlightingaYahrzeitcandleandeatinghisfavoritefoods.Andit’llbehere,becauseJesaareheldatthefirstbornson’shouse,soyoudon’thavetoschleppouttoMadisonoranything.”
“Thatsoundsnice.I’llbethere.”Evenwithherresponse,Daniellookshesitant,soLiyahsmileswarmlytoreassurehim.Eventually,hereturnsthegesture.CHAPTER13
DR.ESPINOSA’Sofficestandsinstarkcontrasttoherclothing,whichplainlyexistsonlyinshadesofbrownandoff-white.Plantsdoteverysurface,allinwhatlooktobehandmadeceramicpots.Anaromatherapydiffuseronareclaimedwoodsidetableinfusestheroomwitheucalyptus-scentedvapor.TheMoroccanrugbelowhisfeetmatchestheyellowsandorangesintheNativeAmericanblanketthatliesacrosstheleathersofa.Itshouldfeelcluttered,butit’spleasantlyfullandcozy.HewonderswhatKayla’sofficelookslike.Ifhehadtoguess,he’dsayfewerplantsbutevenmorecolor.
They’vegonethroughthepleasantries,andnowDaniel’ssittingacrossfromhersilently,drumminghisfingersonhisknees.
“Whatmadeyoudecidetomakethisappointment?”sheasksafteraminutepasses.
“Kayla—mysister—saysthateverybodyshouldgototherapy,andI’vegotinsurance.”
Dr.Espinosasmiles,thewrinklesnexttohereyesbecomingmorepronounced.Danielplacesheragesomewhereslightlynorthofhalfwaybetweenhimandhismother.“Smartwoman.”
“She’satherapist,too.”
Shenods.“Isee.Well,whatmadeyoupickupthephonenow?”
Danielswallows.Itfeelsweirdtosaythistosomeoneyou’veknownforalloffifteenminutes.Thenagain,sheprobablyhearsaboutmuchworseeveryday.Shouldhereallybehere?Everyoneexpectstolosetheirparents.Maybenotintheirtwenties,butstill.
Hedecidesit’sworsetositthereinsilence,wastingbothoftheirtime.“Theanniversaryofmydad’sdeathisonThursday.IthinkIshouldtalkaboutit?”
“I’msorrytohearthat,Daniel.I’mgladyoucamein.”
Ittakeshimalittlewhile,andafewmoreleadingquestionsfromDr.Espinosa,buteventuallyhestartstotalk.HerecognizessomeofhertechniquesfromKaylaandsmilestohimselfbecausehe’sneverbeenmorecertainthathissisterisgreatatherjob.
Thehourisupbeforeheknowsit,andit’sjarringtogofromthatindoorforestwhereallhissecretsflowfreelytothebusystreetbelow.He’sgotabouttwentymoreminutesifhedoesn’twanttoinventafakeclientlunchtoappeaseapryingcolleague,andheintendstospenditwithabacon,egg,andcheeseonabagel.He’schasingtheeverythingseasoningwithblackcoffeewhenhegetsamessagefromhissister.
Kayla
So????
Daniel
iammiraculouslycured.
Kayla
Hilarious.
Daniel
itwasgood.saidmorethanithoughtiwould.howdotherapistsgetustodothat?witchcraft
Kayla
IfItoldyou,I’dbeoutofajob!Loveyou,Danny.
Daniel
loveyoutoo
Hepocketsthephoneandfinisheshissandwich.Whendidhegethere?Incollege,whenLilycheatedonhimwithherdifferentialequationsTA,hemopedaroundforabitbeforespendinganentireweekendcross-fadedandpartyhoppingwithTranandEvan.Theweekendafterhetoldhisparentsthathewasn’tgoingtoapplytomedicalschoolandhisdadyelledathimforanhour,theiranticsearnedhimahangoverthatcanstillchurnhisstomachifhethinkstoohardaboutit.AndeventhoughthebenderwaslessextremewhenheandEmily,hisfirstpost-collegegirlfriend,partedways,heweatheredtheheartbreakmoreorlessthesame.It’snotthatanyofitquitecomparestohisdad’sdeath,it’smorethathe’salwayshandledeverythinginhislifelikehe’sTeflon,lettingitallrolloffhisback.Thismustbeadulthood,then:goingtotherapyandtalkingaboutitinsteadofpretendingitisn’tthere.
HeremembersthemomentwhenhewasdancingwithLiyah,howbadlyhewantedtokissher.That’scompletelydifferent,though.She’sfinallyhisfriend,oneoftheclosestoneshehas.He’snotgoingtomessthatup.She’stooimportant,andthere’reotherbeautifulwomeninthiscityhecankiss.
Hedecidesthat’llbehisnextmoveintherapy,workingupthenervetostartdating.Or,atveryleast,redownloadTinder.Babysteps,andall.
LIYAHFINISHESREADINGheremail,fillingwithanoverwhelmingurgetoslamhercomputershut.It’sherdesktop,notherlaptop,soinsteadshesays,“IsweartofuckingGod!”
“IfGod’sfucking,she’saweebittoobusytohearyouswearing,”Siobhancalls,notlookingawayfromtheopenPhotoshopfileonhermonitor.
“Haha.Jeffismadatmeaboutthewinenightendingearly.”
Siobhanspinsherspecial-orderergonomicdeskchairaroundtofaceLiyah.“What?IjustthoughtJeffhadsentanotheremailwheretheentiremessageisinthesubjectline.”
Liyahshakesherhead.“Muchworse.DearAliyah,”shereadsfromherin-box.“Imean,firstofall,whenhasheevercalledmebymygovernmentname?IfeellikeI’mgettingfirst-name-middle-namedbyaparent.”
“Goon.”
“Ihavereviewedthenumbersafteryourlittlewineshindig”—shepausesforSiobhan’sdisgustedgroan—“andwesawnoappreciabledifferenceinthemembershipsign-uprates.Now,Iunderstandthattheremayhavebeensomeextenuatingcircumstances—”
“Yes,likeafeckingblizzard.Doeshethinkyouhaveaweathermachine?”
“Itgetsworse.Theremayhavebeensomeextenuatingcircumstances,buttheproposalsthatyouandKinleybroughtareallquitecostly.Ifwe’regoingtoshelloutforalocalwinery,oraDJforthecostumepartythisweekend,theboardandIexpectresults.NeedIremindyouthat—”
Siobhanholdsupherhand.“Christ.Nevermind,I’veheardenough.Ifheweren’tourboss,I’dsaytellhimtoeffoff.Itgoesonlikethis?”
“Basically.He’sdanglingcuratorinfrontofme,actinglikethisissomepersonalmoralfailing.Yeah,Iwould’velikedforthenighttogolongenoughtodothemembershipraffle.IwouldhavealsolikednottoworkcoatcheckwithTobyandDaniel,orspendhalfthenightonanairmattressinfrontofSUEwhileIwaitedforthesnowplowstocome.”
“Youstayedherealone?Oh,I’msosorry,love.Ididn’trealize.Iknowyou’repetrifiedofdrivinginthesnow.”
“Iwasn’ttechnicallyalone.”Liyahfidgetswithapadofstickynotes.“Danielstayedwithme.Still,lessthanideal.”
Siobhansucksherbottomlipintohermouth,browfurrowed.“Isee.Andyoudroveyourselfhomeafterthat?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Well,no.Hedroveus.”Siobhanstares,nodding.“What?”Liyahasks.
“Nothing.It’salmostfive—whydon’tyousendJeffsomethinglike‘Iunderstand,I’lldobetternexttime’anddeleteit?Thenwecanbunkoff.”
Liyahlaughs,lookingup.“I’mgonnahavetousecontextcluesforthatoneandguessyou’reofferingtoleaveearly.”
Siobhansmiles,theworriedlookmeltingawayfromherfreckledface.“Comeon,let’sheadout.”
AsSiobhangathersherbelongings,LiyahrepliestoJeffwithunearnedkindness.Shehitssend,thenmovestodelete,butanothermessagepopsupwhatfeelslikesecondslater:
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:JeffChapman<jeff.chapman@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:WineMembership#s
Also,Iheardfromsecuritysomethingaboutyousleepinginanexhibition.Wasthisforthesleepoverorthesnow?Regardless,youshouldhavesleptinyouroffice.
Sincewedidn’tseeimprovements,I’mgoingtosaynotothephotobooththisSaturday.Wecan’taffordextraneousexpenses.
SentfrommyiPhone
God,shehasn’tfeltthischastisedsinceshepunchedCoreyPacktoninthecheekinseventhgrade.Andeventhen,shemostlygotherselfoutofitwhenshetoldtheprincipalwhathe’dsaidtoNeen,slursuncensored.Liyahfoldsherarmsonthedesk,restingherforeheadonherwrists.Thephotoboothwasamajorcomponentoftheevent—theyneededitsothatattendeescouldvoteonthecostumecontest.Thiswholemarketingthingisabsolutelyfucked,cursedfromthebeginning.
Wait…“Siobhan,youhaveaDSLR,right?”
“Ohno,didJeffnixthephotobooth?”Liyahgruntsinaffirmation.“Yeah,I’vegotone.Also,Ihaveaneighty-square-footpieceofblackfabricwecoulduseasbacking—don’task.Nolighting,though,butIreckonwecouldrent?”
Liyahliftsherhead.“Youarealifesaver,”shesays,butherstomachstillturns.Thewaythismarketingefforthasgone,she’shalfconvincedshe’sgoingtobeoutofajobanddesigningpolka-dottedpop-upInstagramtrapsfortherestofhercareer.
Siobhanwalksover,placingherhandonLiyah’sshoulder.“Deletetheemail.Andthenhotchocolate,mytreat.”
Liyahnods,buthermouseslidesfromthetrashicontothearrow.Shetypesoutaquickmessageandhitsforwardbeforegettingreadytogo.
Theresponsecomesanhourlater,whenshe’salmostsuccessfullyforgottenabouttheemailinthefirstplace:
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:MessagefromaFan
Yikes.You’reright,wecandoitourselves.WantmetoshowyoumyworstfromBrett?Thetyposalonewillkeepyoulaughingfordays.
Daniel
P.S.Igotmycostumetogetherlastnight.EverymillennialinChicagoisgonnabeamemberafterSaturday,Icanfeelit.CHAPTER14
AFTERLiyahtextedDanieltoinquireabouthisdad’sfavoritedessert,heimaginedthatshewouldshowupwithaboxfromthebakerydownthestreet.Instead,heanswersthedoortoherholdingtwoenormoustraysofhomemadecarrotcupcakes.
Hesmiles.“ItoldyouitwasjustmymomandKayla,right?”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Listen,Ididnotmaketwobatchesofcreamcheesefrostingjusttogetsassed.Yougonnaletmeinornot?I’msurewhoever’sin3Bwouldlovetotaketheseoffmyhands.”
“DidIsassyou?Imeanttothankyou.”Hestepsback,holdingthedooropenwideandgesturinginside.“Yourmajesty.”
Shewrinkleshernoseathiminawaythatissupposedtobeangrybutismostlyverycute,thrustingoneofthetraysathisfreearmandwaltzingintohisapartment.
“YoumustbeLiyah,”KaylasaysafterDanielslidesthedeadboltonthedoor.“I’mKayla.It’snicetofinallymeetyouinyouradultform.”ShetakestheremainingtrayfromLiyahandsetsitonthediningtable.
Liyahsmiles.“Guiltyascharged.ButwhateverDaniel’stoldyouaboutwhatabullyIam,Iswearit’sonlyhalftrue.”Kaylagrins,warmingtoherinstantly.“It’snicetoseeyouagain,too,”Liyahfinishes.Sheremoveshercoatandshoes,roundingthecornertothekitchen.
“Hey,Liyah!”Alexcallsfromwherehe’sundoubtedlybeensweet-talkingDaniel’smother.
“Hello!Noshifttonight?”
“Nah,stillworking.JusthadtosayhitomyfavoriteRosenbergbeforeIleft,”hesays,kissingDaniel’smotheronthecheek.Sheswatshisarminresponse,butherexpressionreadsincrediblycharmed.
“YoumustbeDr.Rosenberg,”Liyahsays,facingDaniel’smother,whoisstandingoverthestovefryingscallionpancakes.
Sheliftsthespatulatowave.“Please,callmeMinji.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Minji.Thankyouforhavingme.”
“Oh,it’sourpleasure,honey.Now,wouldyoumindhelpingtosetup?”
KaylaappearshelpfulbydirectingLiyahinsettingthetablewithoutliftingafingerherself,atacticshespentyearsperfectingonherbrother.Danieldoesn’trealizehe’sbeenstandingintheirapartment’stinyfoyer,useless,forseveralminutesuntilAlexapproacheshimonhiswayout.
“I’mreallysorryIcan’tbehere,man,”hesays,placingacomfortingpalmonDaniel’sshoulder.
“It’sokay,youcan’thelpthatyourjobisnocturnal.Thankyouforhelpingcook.”
Alexnods,slippinghisarmsintohisleatherjacket.“Yeah,ofcourse.Ifyouneedtocallmeafterward,don’thesitate,okay?”
“Yeah.”
“I’mserious.Icanalwaysslipoutsideforabreak,andIcanprobablygetsomeonetocovertheendofmyshift.AndIcandefinitelycancelonMarcwithac.”
Danielswallows,histhroatsuddenlyfeelingthick.“Ireallyappreciateit.I’mgonnatrytogetthroughitonmyown,though.”Notreallyonhisown,though.He’sgothismomandsisterherewithhim.AndLiyah.
Alexflashesasmile.“Okay.Justrememberthatyoudon’thaveto.”
Daniel’sheartswellsalittleashehugshisroommategoodbyeandwisheshimagoodnightatwork.Asthedoorswingsshut,hefeelsapokeinhisleftsideandturnstofindLiyahwithherhandsonherhips.
“Areyougoingtomakeyourselfusefulorjustletthewomendothework?”shedemands,eyesnarrowing.Kaylalaughsfrombehindher.TheseamofLiyah’slipsisaneutralline,butwithtoomuchtensionaroundit.DanielhasgainedenoughproficiencyinNonverbalLiyahtounderstandthatthisisacarefullyconcealedsmile.
“WhydoyouthinkIinvitedyouinsteadofJordan?”heretorts.
SherollshereyesandDanielfollowshertothekitchentobringseveralservingdishesoffoodtothediningtable.Thespreadiseverythinghisdadlovedtoeat,tothepointwherenoneofitseemslikeitshouldbeonthesameplate.There’rehismom’sscallionpancakes,butalsosautéedrapini,allthefixingsforbuild-your-ownveggietacos,Buffalochickenwings,sourbeers,carrotcupcakes.Hesurveystheincongruousfeastbeforehim,theextraplacesettingforhisdad,theYahrzeitcandleinatrayonhisottoman,andwondershowhe’sgoingtogetthroughthenightwithoutcrying.
Thelightoutsidehislivingroomwindowfadesintoaswirlofrustandmagenta,denotingbothsundownandthetimetolightthecandle.HisfamilyandLiyahstandaroundtheottoman,hismother’sarmswrappedaroundhiswaist,hisfingersinterwovenwithKayla’s.Eventhoughthey’resixJewishadultsshortofaminyan,theyrecitetheMourner’sKaddish.Hisdadwouldhavelovedit,themsimultaneouslyhonoringtraditionandfloutingtherules.Liyahjoinsinonthelinemeantfornon-mourners,hervoicewarmandsoft.HetakeshiseyesofftheflametomeethersandshocksLiyahandhimselfbysmiling.
Theprayerfinishes,andKaylaandhismothersqueezeandreleasethepartsofDanielthey’reholding.TheairinDaniel’sapartmentfeelsdifferent,almostcharged,astheytaketheirplacesatthedinnertable.
MinjiRosenberg,notforthefirsttimeatafamilydinner,istheonetobreakthesilence.“Ihopeyouallaren’twaitingforAarontostart,becauseifyouare,Ifearwe’llbeherequiteawhile.”
Laughtereruptsaroundthetable,andit’samomentbeforeDanielrealizesthatsomeofitisbubblingoutofhim.Hemovesthroughthedinnerinadaze,smilingandnoddingalongtotheanecdotesthathismotherandsistershare,laughingastheygiveLiyahthethirddegree.Thefoodisdelicious,ashismother’salwaysis,andhecarefullyfinisheseachdishbeforemovingontothenexttoavoidanyunwantedflavorcombinations.
LiyahtapshisfootwithherswhileKaylaargueswiththeirmomabouttheyeartheywenttoDisneyland.“Youdoingokay?”shesaysunderherbreath,eyesstillfixedonthewomenofhisfamily.
Henods.“Yeah.Thankyou.”
Kaylathrowsaballed-upcupcakewrapperatDaniel’shead.“Noona!”hewhinesatthesametimeashismomsays“Kayla!”
Sheignoresthemboth.“You’vebeenquietthewholenight.Caretosharewiththeclass?”
Theirmomgivesheracoldlook.“IfDanieldoesn’twanttospeak,hedoesnothaveto.Stoppushinghim.”
Danielshakeshishead.“No,no.It’sokay.”Hetakesaswigofhissour.“God,thesearedisgusting.”
“Ilikethem,”Liyahsaysfromhisside.
Kaylachuckles.“Thatmakesoneofus.Youwould’vewonDadoverwiththatalone.”
Liyahlaughshesitantly,lookingtoDaniel.“It’strue.Helovedfunkybeers.Heeventriedtobrewsomehimself.Hewantedtostarta—whatdidhecallit?”
“Nano-brewery,”hismomsaysfondly.
“Yeah,butthebeerhemadewassomehowbothflavorlessandbitter.”
“Trulydisgusting,”Kaylajoins,shootinganencouragingsmilehisway.
“He,um…”Danielquietsashefeelsthreepairsofeyesonhim.Heknowsconceptuallythatheandhismotherandsisterareexperiencingthesameloss,butsometimeshefeelssoaloneinit.Hesteelshimself.Ifthere’sanybodytotalkabouthisdadwith,it’stheothertwopeoplewholovedAaronRosenbergmost.AndLiyah,whonudgeshisfoot.“HemadeabatchrightbeforehesentmeofftocollegeandleftthreefullgrowlersundermybedwithouttellingEomma.”Danielglancesherway.Shelooksmomentarilyscandalized,butherfacesoftens,andsheshakesherheadnostalgically.“Hethoughtitwouldmakemeahitwiththeotherfreshmenonmyfloor.Anditdid,becausewebondedoverhowbaditwas.AnRAcaughtuswithitandwhenIexplainedthatitwashomemadeandgrossandIwastryingtoappeasemyfather,sheletusslidewithawarning.Atwinterbreak,heaskedhoweveryonelikedit,andIdidn’thavethehearttotellhim.WhichturnsoutwasamistakebecausehegavememoretobringbackinJanuary.”Danielfeelstearswellingupinhiseyes,buthe’ssmiling.
Hismomreachesovertotakehishand,andLiyahreachesunderthetabletosqueezehisthigh.Helooksupfromhisplate,andthere’sKayla:herusualbroadsmileadornedwithtearsstreamingdownherface.SherisesfromherseatandstridesovertoDaniel,wrappingherarmsaroundhim.Hismomfollowssuit.
“Weloveyousomuch,Danny.Understand?”Danielnods.“Good.Liyah,getinhere.”Andshedoes.Suddenly,Danielrealizeswhatmadetheairchange:hisentireapartmentfeelsalmostexactlylikethishug.
Theystaylikethisuntilhismomdeclaresthatit’stimetoleavetheroomsoAaronmayaccepttheoffering.Theypilesomefoodontotheemptyplacesettingandbegintheworkofclearingtherestofthetable.
“So,she’sBlackandJewish,”hismomsaysastheywashanddrydishes,assembly-linestyle.DaniellooksaroundbutfindsthatLiyahisengrossedinconversationwithhissister.
“Yeah.Herdaddidn’tconvertlikeyou,butsheandherbrotherwereraisedJewish.”
Hismomnods.“Interesting.”
Danielstopsworkingonthedishhewasbuffingdry.Ifhismomhasaproblemwiththat,it’simmenselyhypocritical.Butshewouldn’tbethefirsthypocriteinanintermarriage.Hetenses,squareshisjaw.InKorean,heasks,“Whyisthatinteresting?”
Hismomhums,attemptingtoseemaloof.“Youmusthavealotincommonwithher,”shereplies.Hisshouldersrelax,andhegoesbacktothetaskathand.“She’sverypretty,”shesays,thistimeinEnglish.
“Eomma!”heprotests.
“She’sallthewayovertherewithKayla,shecan’thearme.”Sheusesasoapy,glovedhandtowavehimoff.“Areyougoingtotellmeyoudon’tthinkshe’spretty?”
“She’sgorgeous,Mom,that’snot—”
Shesilenceshimwithaknowinglook.“Wheneveryouwanttoletyoureommainonyourlife,youjustletmeknow.Youknow,Kaylacallsmeeveryweek.”
Danielgroans.“Layingitonalittlethick,don’tyouthink?”
“Areyouleaving?”hismomsaysloudlyinsteadofrespondingtoDaniel.HeturnstoseeLiyahhuggingKaylagoodbye.
“Yes,unfortunatelyIhavetobeupratherearlyforwork.Thankyousomuchforhavingmehere,though.Itwaslovelytomeetyouboth.”
“Yes,ofcourse.Welovedhavingyou,”hismomsays.
“Didyouwalkhere?”Danielasks.
“No,Idrove.Didn’twanttodropthecupcakes.”
“Okay.I’llwalkyoutoyourcar?”Hesaysitlikeaquestion,andLiyahgiveshimasmileofassurance.
Theymaketheentiretripdownthestairsandaroundthecornerinsilence.Whentheyreachhercar,shestopsandturnstowardhim,lookinghimdeadintheeyes.Herexpressionislikeithasbeenthewholenight,warmandcomforting,andhe’ssothankfulthatshe’shere.Morethanhecanputintowords.
“Liyah,”hebegins,buthisvoicegetsstuckinthebackofhisthroat.
Shereachesuptocuphisleftcheekinherhand.Heinvoluntarilypressesintoit,andherthumbglidesoverhischeekbone.“Iwashonoredtobehere,”shesays.
Thewordshaveonlybarelylefthermouthwhenhislipsareonhers.
Ifhe’dintendedanythingatall,itwouldhavebeenforachastekiss,lipsjustbarelypartedtofittogether.That’showhe’simaginedkissinghersincethatmomentinfrontofSUE.Tentatively.Buthedidthiswithoutthinking,sothat’snotwhatitis.Hecrashesintoher,andLiyah’shandmovesfromhischeektothehairsatthebackofhishead.Shetugs,andhegroans,rollinghishipsintoherstomach,feelingherbodypressedalonghisashepinshertothecar.Hisbodyknowshowitwantstotouchher,notevenmusclememoryfromallthoseyearsago,butbareinstinct.
Ashishandsfindpurchaseinherhair,hertongueswipesacrosshisbottomlip,andhismouthopensandwelcomesherintohim.Heisawareofeverysubtlerepositioning,eachmovementcreatinganewcause-and-effectmapinhismind.Ifshescrapeshernailsagainsthisscalp,he’lltightenhisgriponherhip;ifhesighsintohermouth,she’llpullhislipbetweenherteeth.Hertongue,tracinghis,iselectrifying.He’salivewire,secondsfromsparking,andstillallhecanthinkofishowshetasteslikecreamcheesefrostingandhome.
Then,hefeelsafirmpressureonhischest,Liyah’shandpushinghimaway.
LIYAH’SPALMONDaniel’ssternumtellsherthathisbreathingisjustasraggedandlaboredashers.Whatitdoesn’ttellher,andwhatshereallywantstoknow,isifhealsofeelseveryinchofhisskinonfire.Herkneesareweak,andshe’sthankfulthatshehasthesideofthecartokeepherupright.
“Daniel.”
“I’msorry,”hesays,andtheapologyconfirmswhatshefeared,orratherknew,tobetrue.Thatthiswasamistake.
Which,ithadtobe,becauseshecan’trememberthelasttimeshewaskissedthatintently.Certainlynotwhenfullyclothed.Andshewasstupidenoughtoloseherselfinthemoment,tobesomeonewhocouldbekissedlikethat.ByDaniel.Afriend,presumablyapersonwhogivesashitaboutherbeyondhowexpertlyshecanusehertongue.
“You’regrieving.Idon’t”—shestrugglestocatchherbreath—“Idon’twantyoutokissmeforcomfort.”
“No,Liyah,that’snotit.I’mnotusingyouasmysupportblanket,oranythinglikethat.”
“Emotionsarerunninghigh,then.Youcan’tknowwhatyouwantinthismoment.Andthat’sokay.Butwehavetoworktogether.ThroughJanuary,atleast.”
Danielgivesheralonglook,longenoughforhertotakeintheflushinhischeeksandhiskiss-swollenlips,thebobofhisAdam’sappleasheswallows.“Okay,then.Shouldwe…justforgetaboutit?”
Shenods,slowly.“Alreadyforgotten.”Sheliesthroughherteeth,stillbreathingheavily.
“SeeyouandNeenatSurvivalClubtomorrow?”heasks.
“Right,yeah.”Hishairismussed(herfault),soshereachesupanddoesherbesttoarrangeit.
“Thanks,”hesays,regardinghercarefully.“I’dbettergetback.Goodnight,Liyah.”
“Goodnight,Daniel,”sheresponds,andclimbsintothedriver’sseatofhercar,willingherheartratetoslow.Shedoesn’tstarttheignitionuntilhedisappearsaroundthecorner.
Lastweek,whenhishandonherbarebellysentherspiraling,she’dchalkedherreactionuptoheremptystomach.Now,though,herstomachistoofullinthewayitalwaysisafteraspecialoccasionwithaJewishfamily.Sowhycouldshefeelhiskissinhertoes?
Thesecondsheclosesthedoortoherapartment,shepicksupherphonetocallNeen.
“C-J,asI’vetoldyouviatext,myflighthasnotbeencanceledandthereisnoforecastedinclementweather.”
Liyahpressesherknuckleintoherforehead,tryingtorelaxherbrow.“Neen,that’snotwhyI’mcalling.”
“Areyouokay?Yousoundlikeyoujustranamarathon.”
Liyahgrimaces.“No,muchworse.IkissedDanielRosenberg.Orhekissedme.”Shewavesherhandsaround,eventhoughNeencan’tseeher.“Idon’tknow,wekissed.”
Neenlaughs.“Oh,finally.Howwasit?”
“Finally?Whatdoyoumeanfinally?!It’stheanniversaryofhisdad’sdeath.Hewaslookingforcomfort.”
“Areyousurethat’sallitwas?”
Liyahsighs.“Well,hesuggestedthatwepretenditneverhappened,soI’mprettysure.”
“Hmm.Interesting.”
“Whyisthatinteresting?”sheasks,rubbingatherchest,convincedshehascardiacarrhythmia.Like,medicallyspeaking.Thiscannotbenormal.
“Justis.Didyoulikethekiss?”
Liyahbalks.“Whatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”
Neenwhistles.“Thatgood,huh?So,whenareyougonnafuckhim?”
“Neen!”Liyahnearlyshoutsintothephone.Clearly,theydonotappreciatethegravityofthisparticularfreak-out.
“Babe,yousoundlikeyouneedaglassofwineandsomesleep.I’llbesharingabedwithyoufortheweekend,sowecanholdoffondecidingwho’llbeinitnextforafewdays,okay?”
“Neen,howamIsupposedtogotoSurvivalClubmeetingsnow?Dothesleep-in?Ortheholidayparty?Oranyofit?HaveIruinedeverything?”
“AliyahRivka.YoumadeitthroughanentireclassthatwasTA’dbyaone-nightstandfromtheprevioussemester.Ithinkyoucanhandleonelittlekissjustfine.”
Liyahwantstoargue,butnogoodreasoncomestomind.“Okay,okay.You’reprobablyright.”
“OfcourseIam.Seeyoutomorrow!”
“Seeya,Neen.”Thecallends.
Standinginfrontofherrefrigerator,LiyahdecidestoheedsomeofNeen’sadviceafterall,andswigsdirectlyfromamostlyemptybottleofsauvignonblanc.Maybeit’llsubmergethebutterfliesinherstomachuntiltheyasphyxiate.Onecanonlyhope.CHAPTER15
WHENDanieltoldKaylatherewasaSurvivalClubmeetingtonight,shecomplainedthatifshe’dknown,shewouldn’thavebookedamorningflightbacktoNewYork.Heapologizedprofuselyfortheoversight,butsecretly,he’srelieved.Usually,he’dloveachancetowatchherletloose,asalotoftheirclosenessintheiradultyearshasbeenbroughtonbyshareddrunkennightsandhungovermornings.ButKaylaisthemostobservantpersonheknows,andheonlygotthroughyesterdaywithoutherfiguringouthe’dkissedLiyahbytheskinofhisteeth.
Heshouldn’tbethinkingaboutthekiss.Whenshepushedhimaway,herfacescrunchedsotightly,hewassureshehadn’twantedit,evenifshe’dkissedhimbackatfirst.Musthavebeenanunconsciousreaction,likehowshealwaysmeltsintohishandwhenheplacesitonthesmallofherback,orhowshe’dcurledupintohimandwhimperedinhersleepwhenhetriedtotakehisarmoffher.So,hesuggestedthattheyforgetaboutit,becausehe’ssurethat’swhatshewantstodo.Alreadyforgotten,shesaid.
Hehasn’tforgotten.Infact,he’sreplayeditapproximatelyonehundredtimestoday.Hecanstillfeelherfingersinhishair,hertonguetangledwithhis,herhandonhischestashewatchedherheavelaboredbreaths.
Getaholdofyourself,Daniel.
Sohereheis,halfanhourearlytothetenthiterationoftheSpeakeasySurvivalClub,nursingaginandtonicandtryingtodojustthat.AsAlexpouredhisdrink,thesoleupsideofhisfather’sdeathwasrevealed:ifDaniel’sactingweirdly,everyoneinhislifewillchalkituptogriefandasknofurtherquestions.
Siobhanarrivesfirst,followedshortlybyJordanandthen,fashionablylateasusual,Liyah.There’salightinhereyesandaflushinhercheeksandsheseemstohavechosenjeansthataccentuateherhipsandwaistandatightshirtspecificallytotorturehim,thoughhesuspectshe’dfeelthiswaynomatterwhatshewore.He’ssocaughtupinLiyahassheapproachesthathealmostmissesNeenwalkingbyherside.
“Daniel,”shesays,wrappinghimupinahugthatmakeshisheartrace,beforemovingontoSiobhan,casualasever.Maybeshehastrulyforgotten.“Siobhan.YoubothrememberNeen.Jordan,thisisNeen,quitepossiblythebestpersonwhohaseverlivedonthefaceofthisearth.Neen,thisisJordan,theanswertothequestion‘WhatifA$APRockyhadanMBA?’”Everyonelaughs,butnoonequiteashardasJordan,whogiveshismostdazzlingsmileasheshakesNeen’shand.DanielandLiyahexchangealookthatsaysthisshouldbeinteresting.
ItbecomesincreasinglyclearasthenightgoesonthatJordanistotallyenamoredwithNeen.Unfortunately,hisattractiontothemapparentlyactsashorseblindersfortheirequallyobviousattractiontoSiobhan.ThethirdtimeDanielcatchesJordanwinking,hecannolongercontainhimself.HeelbowsLiyahandsaysoutofthesideofhismouth,“Quitetheshow,towatchJordanopenlylustingafterNeen—”
“WhointurnisopenlylustingafterSiobhan,”Liyahfinishesunderherbreath,acoysmileplayingatherlips.
“WhointurnisopenlylustingafterJordan.Thecircleoflife.”
Atthis,LiyahgivesuponpretendingtopayattentiontoJordan’sstoryandlooksdirectlyatDaniel,eyeswide.“Youknow?”
Danielchuckles.“Itdoesn’ttakeabrainsurgeontofigureout.Can’tblameherthough,he’scharming.Likeyousaid,PrettyBoyFlackoinasuit.”
Shebitesherlip.“Doesheknow?”
“Imean,he’sprobablygatheredthatshefindshimattractive,butIdon’tthinkhe’sawareofthecrush,ifthat’swhatyoumean.”
Liyahletsoutabreath.“Okay,good.Pleasedon’ttellhim.She’dbemortifiedandI’dfeelawfulforconfirmingitforyou.”
“Iwouldn’tdothat,Liyah.Icankeepasecret.”Danieldoesn’tmeanthesubtext,butit’sclearthat’showLiyahtakesit.Sheswallows,reachingforherdrink.
Alreadyforgotten,myass,Danielthinks,andridesthathighallthewaybacktotherooftopofLiyah’sbuilding.Theyallleanonthebricklip,buzzedandchatty,lookingupatthestarrysky,andDanielisstruckwithanintensewaveofdéjàvu.Except,asattractedasheremembersbeingtoLiyahinthatcampobservatory,it’sabouttwentytimesworsenow.She’sstandingsandwichedbetweenhimandNeenandtheirarmskeepbrushing,Danielhyperawareofeachtoucheventhroughmanylayersoffabric.
Neenwithdrawsarobustjointfromthedepthsoftheirjacket.“Anybodycaretopartake?”
“Neen!”Liyahexclaims,aghast.“Youbroughtapre-rollallthewayfromSF?”
“It’slegalhere,isn’tit?”
“Yes,whichiswhyyoudidn’tneedtoriskafelonychargetosmoketonight!”
Neenshrugs,wearingacharmingsmirkthatDanielrealizesisnotunlikeJordan’s.“Weed’sbetterinCalifornia,though.Ifyou’resoappalled,don’thaveany.”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Ididn’tsayIwasthatappalled.”Sheglaresdaggersatthelaughter,whichturnsouttobethegeneraldirectionofeverybody.Danielhopeshe’snotimaginingthathereyeslingeralittlebitlongeronhim.
JUNIORYEAROFcollege,Liyahwentthroughatwo-monthperiodwhenshesmokedweednearlyeveryday.Notatallcoincidentally,Arielle,thegirlshewassleepingwithatthetime,wastheirdormitory’splug.Sincethen,Liyah’ssessionshavebecomefewerandfartherbetween,butonethinghasstuckwithher:shefindswatchingpeoplesmokesexy.Maybeit’ssomethingaboutdrawingattentiontothelips,ormaybeit’sPavlovianconditioning,butifsomeoneshealreadythinksisgood-lookinglightsupinfrontofher,itneverfailstomakeherskinfeelhot.
DanielplacesthejointbetweenhislipsandbeginstheprocessofrelightingitonaChicagorooftopinOctober.Thatis,afterafewattempts,he’sforcedtocarefullycuphisfreehandaroundtheflametokeepitfromgoingout,thelightilluminatinghispalm.Theendglowingredorange,hetakesadeepinhaleandpauses,closinghiseyesbeforepassingthejointandthelighterofftoJordan.Whenheexhales,finally,thethickcurlsofsmokehardlyleavehislipsbeforehecirclesthembackthroughhisnose.Liyahistransfixed.
“Frenchinhale,”Neensays,rollingtheireyes.“Nice,”theydrawl.
Daniel,faceandshouldersalreadyrelaxing,blowstherestofthesmokeoutwithaneasygrin.Hedoesn’tseemtomindNeen’sribbing.“IdidgotocollegeinCalifornia,youknow.”
“YoulearnedthisatStanford?HereIwasthinkingaschoollikethathadnothingtooffer,”Liyahjokes,tryingtoignorehertinglingnerves.
Danielshakeshishead,stillsmiling.Thoughthatcouldbetheweed.“Quickasever,evenhigh.”
It’snotquitetrue,becauseifLiyahweresober,she’dbeabletoshoothimaglare,orattheveryleastconcealhersmile.Instead,shewearsherpleasureatthecomplimentonherentirefaceanddoesapatheticshrugtotryandplayitoff.Itfeelslikeeveryone’seyesareonher.
Untiltheyaren’t.TherecyclingsymbolofunrequitedlustreturnsasNeen’scontrabandmakesittherestofthewayaroundthecircle.DanielandLiyahleanbackandwatch,amused,exchangingtheoccasionallook.Liyahishappystandinghereontherooftop,notsayingaword,quietedbythenightairandthesmoke.
No,nothappy.Content.Daniel’sgotthosehalf-liddedeyesandthatslightlycrookedsmileandshe’dbetanythingthathe’sfeelingheremotionsrightalongwithher.
“Doesitgetexhausting,beingsoonallthetime?Don’tyoueverjustwanna,like,relax?”Daniel’svoiceisdeepandcoarse,thewayitiswhenhewakesupinthemorning.Thisthoughtdistractsher,andshestaresathimblanklyforamomentassheprocessesthequestiononceagain.
“Pokingfunatyouisrelaxingforme,”Liyaheventuallyresponds.
Danielelbowshergentlyintheribs.“Ofcourseitis.”
Helooksather,andshewatcheshistonguesweepoverhisbottomlip,andsheisstruckbyhowmuchshewantstoreplacehistonguewithhers.Thedesirehitsherlikeafreighttrain,andiftheywerealone,she’dbeunabletorestrainherselffrompressingupagainsthimrightthenandthere.
Butthey’renotalone,andshe’dsoonerthrowherselfoffthisrooftopthankissanyone,letaloneDaniel,infrontofherfriends.Theinconvenienceoftheirpresencewillsaveherfromrejectionandtheensuingembarrassmentshe’dwakeupwithinthemorning.Imaginethat,havinghimpushherawayandthendoingthemuseumsleep-intomorrow.She’sseenthewordsI’msorryformingonhiskiss-bruisedlipseverytimesheblinkedtoday,heardshouldwejustforgetaboutit?beneatheverythingDaniel’ssaid.Beingbrushedoffbythesamepersontwicewouldbebadonitsown,butLiyahhastoworkwithhim.Sheshudders.
Jordanholdsthepre-rollouttoNeen,andinsteadoftakingit,theyleaninandtokefrombetweenhisfingertips,exhalingsmokeintothemoonlightwithablithesmile.Liyahwondersiftheboundariesofgenderandsexualityareevenflimsierthantheyappear.ShelookstoDaniel,andheseemstobethinkingthesame
ThenNeenlaughs,insouciantasalways,pluckingthejointfromJordan’shandandtakinganotherlongdrag.Ifpeoplearelikemagnets,Neeniseverypole.Anyonecangetdrawniniftheyfindtherightalignment.Thisfactissomethingofwhichtheyremainwoefullyunaware.
Daniel’slowwhisperinterruptsLiyah’strainofthought.“We’regood,right?Iknowwesaid…”
Liyahholdshergazesteadilyforward,tellingherselfthattheshiverzippingdownherspineisfromthechillyair.“We’regood,Rosenberg.”Sheturnstolookupathim,buthe’salreadyleaningintowhispersomethingelseandhernosenearlybrusheshis.Daniel’seyesflickbackandforth,searchinghersliketheyhadonYomKippur.
Andhepullsback.
DANIELISPLAYINGwithfire,andheknowsit.Whenhe’snothighandit’snotthemiddleofthenight,he’sgoingtoworkongettinghisthoughtsincheck.Asitis,hespendshiswalkhomereplayingeverylookLiyahgavehimtonightandwonderingwhatwould’vehappenedifhehadn’tpulledawayfromheratthelastmoment.
Shewouldhaveshovedyouawayandtoldyouoff,andshewouldberighttodoit,dumbass.
HewantstocallKayla,whichisanimpulsehewisheshewasridof.He’sapproachingthirty,forfuck’ssake.Hecan’talwaysbecallingNoonatomakeitbetter.
ConsideringthatLiyahturnshimintoasixthgraderpokingthegirlwhositsinfrontofhimuntilhegetsherattention,evenifit’sjustastuck-outtongueandamutteredjerkheadbeforetheteachernotices,it’skindoffitting.Maybehedoesneedhisbigsistertoexplainallthefunnyfeelingsinhischest.
It’stwothirtyinNewYork,butKayla’salwaysbeenanightowlandherbodyshouldstillbeonCentralTime,soDanielpicksuphisphoneanyway.
“HowwastheDoomsdayPreparationCult,Danny?”shesaysbywayofhello.Hesmiles.
“SpeakeasySurvivalClub.Good,actually.Iwishyoucouldcome,”hesays,onlynowrealizinghowsillythenamesounds,andhowtruethelastpartis.
“Andwhosefaultisthat?”
“Sor-ry,”hesingsongs.
“God,you’restoned,aren’tyou?”shesays.
Danielpouts.“It’swithinmyrightsasanIllinoisresident.”
“Yes,andIamveryjealous.However,asbothyoursisterandalicensedtherapist,Ihavetoaskifthisisagoodideagivenyesterday.Areyoualone?”
“Walkinghomebymyself,yes.Butit’snotlikethat.Liyah’sbestfriendisvisiting,andtheybroughtsome.”
“Okay,well.I’vehadmostofabottleofpinotsoI’mnotsurewhyI’mlecturing.”Shechuckleswryly.
Oh.Italwaysseemslikeshe’shandlingthingsbetterthanheis,butmaybeshe’sjust…handlingthemdifferently.“Youokay?”
“No.AndneitherareyouandneitherisEomma,butthat’snormal,becauseDaddiedrelativelyyounganditwasareallyfuckedupthingofhimtodo,ifyouaskme.”
“Itwas,wasn’tit?Wasn’tthethoughtofsomefuturekiddoscallinghimZeydiesupposedtokeephimgoingforanothertenyears?”
Kaylalaughs,moreearnestly.“Ten?Wearebothverysingle,andit’snotliketheycanspeakrightoutofthewomb.I’dsaytwentyforgoodmeasure.”
Daniel’sgrinningnow,ablockandahalfawayfromhome.“What’sgettingcalledZeydieiftheycan’twalkyet?I’mthinkingimaginarygrandchildrenshould’vegivenhimanotherthirty,atleast.”
“Thirty-fiveattheabsoluteminimum,”Kaylaagrees.
“Right.It’snotlikefightingcancerforanotherfortyyearsistoomuchtoask.”
“Simple,really.”Shepauses,andhecanhearherpouringanotherglassofwine.“I’mgladyoucalled.”
“Metoo.”CHAPTER16
ONthestepsoutsidetheFieldMuseum,Neen’sringgetsstuckinLiyah’shair.“C-J,holdstill!”
“Justtakeitoff,we’lldetangleorcutitoutafter,”Liyahsays.
“Ican’t,”theyhuff.“Doyouhaveanybutter?”
“WhywouldIhavebroughtbutteronthetrain?AndwheredoyouthinkIwouldkeepit?”Shegesturesdownatheroutfit.NobagbecauseAngelaDavisdidnothaveoneinherinterviewfromCaliforniastateprison.Nopockets,either.
Neentriesanewangle,andLiyahyelps,jerkingherheadtowardtheirhandtoavoidarip.“I’msorry!”theyshout.
Liyah,fedup,grabsNeen’sarmandtwirlstheminadistortedballroomdance,slowlyunwindingherpicked-out’frofromoneoftheirmanyrings.“Idon’tknowwhyyouinsistedonwearingthose.Theydon’tgowithyouroutfit,”shesays.Sincethesleep-inwasonHalloween,LiyahandDanieldecidedtomakeitacostumeparty.ThedecadesthemewasLiyah’sidea.Shewantedsomesemblanceofaconnectiontothegeneralconceptofhistory.NeenandLiyaharethe1970sfromdifferentcornersoftheworld:Liyahintheiconicorangeturtleneck,browntweedskirt,andorangetightsofDr.Davis’s1972interview,Neenlookinglikethey’vesteppeddirectlyoutofanearly’70sBollywoodfilm.Exceptfortheircollectionofmodernrings,ofcourse.
“It’smysignature!”
“Youknow,it’sawonderyouhaven’tlostoneofthoseinsideofsomeoneyet.”
Neenlaughs.“Oh,Ididn’ttellyouthatstory?”
Liyahshudders.“Pleasetellmeyou’rejoking.”
Inside,theymakeabeelineforthetaxidermyAfricanelephantsinthelobby,theagreedmeetingspot.Theothersarealreadythere,infullcostume.
“Gladyoufinallyshowedup,”Siobhansaysastheyapproach.“SinceIgothere,I’velearnedthatJordanisnot,infact,dressedasAladdin,andreceivedalectureoneightiespoprap.”
“Liyahcouldn’tbeontimeifherlifedependedonit,”Danielsays.
“ThisisanobviousMCHammercostume.Comeon,thegoldjacket!”
“It’snotevenmyfaultthistime,IhadtodetachNeenfrommyhair!”Liyahprotests.
“WhyisJordanshirtless?”Neenasks.
“I’mMCHammer!”
Daniellaughs.“It’salittlecoldoutforthat.”
Jordancrosseshisarmsoverhisbarechest.“There’scentralheatinghere,man.Y’allaremean.”
“IseeDanielisservingDannyZukorealness,”Neensays.“AndSiobhanisawonderfulBubbles.”
Siobhancurtsies.“Thankyou.”
Yes,wonderfulheterosexualBubbles,LiyahwishesshecouldremindNeen.“Gorgeous.Also,notontheme.”
“ThePowerpuffGirlspremieredin1998.I’mthenineties.”
“AndLiyah,you’rea…go-gogirl?”Jordanasks.
TheentiregroupgawksatJordan.“You’reanidiot,”Danielsays.“She’sobviouslyAngelaDavis.”
“Mybad,she’swearingtallboots!”
“They’reeraappropriate.”Liyahholdsupherhands,pausing.“Youknowwhat?Igiveup.Daniel,photobooth?”
Helooksdownather,pullingtheunlitcigarettefromthesideofhismouthandtuckingitintotheleatherjacketheprobablyborrowedfromAlex.“I’mafraidtoleavethesethreeunsupervised.”
“Asyoushouldbe.Butleavethem,wemust.”
Liyahisn’tsureiftheeventideawasreallythatgood,orifshe’sjustoverdueforsomegoodkarma,buttherearethreetimestheattendeesofthefailedwinenight.Almostallaredressedtotheme,andthelineatthephotoboothseemsnever-ending.Liyahwouldregretthedecisiontorunitherself(thanksbetoJeff)ifsheweren’tfeelingthehighofthemerrimentaroundher.
SheholdsSiobhan’sDSLRwhileDanieluploadseachphotographtotheappropriatedecadecategory.QRcodespeppertheexhibits,advertisingthevotingperiod,afterwhichtheannualmembershipwinnerswillbeannounced.Bynine,thereare1,534picturesup,andeventhoughthewayLiyah’s’fropartiallyobscureshereyesightisdrivinghercrazy(hercutismostdefinitelynotdesignedtobepickedout)andDaniel’spompadourisslightlydeflated,they’rebothsmilingfromeartoear.
Beforetheypackupthestation,theysendasummonsintheSSCgroupchat.TheothersaretipsyfromvisitstothebarsetupunderthehangingPterosaur,andgettingapicturewithalloftheminframeprovesanearlyinsurmountablechallenge.Buttheygetone,eventually.Jordanliesonthefloorinfrontwithhisheadproppeduponhishand,akneepointedskywardtoemphasizethelowcrotchofhisharempants.Siobhanisbehindhishead,bentatthekneesandblowingakisstothecamera(whichhastheaddedbenefitofrevealingsometrulyexcellentcleavage).NeenstandsatJordan’sfeet,armsoutstretchedmid-dance.AndDanielandLiyaharesandwichedbetweenthem,LiyahdoingherbesttoimitateAngelaDavis’sinquisitiveheadtiltwhilestaringdownthecamera,Daniel’selbowonhershoulderashewithdrawsacigarettefrompartedlips.
Liyahrunsbackafterthetimer-triggeredshutterclicks,lookingdownatthedisplay.Shegrins,huggingthecameratoherchest.
Neenprancestowardher,demandingtosee.Liyahreleaseshergriptoshowthem,andtheywolfwhistlebeforeshouting,“Wearesohot!”
JordanandSiobhanhuddlearoundthem,pointingandlaughingatdetailsonthetinyscreen.AgiddywarmthspreadsthroughLiyah’schest;she’salreadydrunkontheold-fashionedshe’syettoorder.Daniellooksatherfrombehindtheirfriends,andthecornerofhismouthtugsupward.Sheholdshisgaze,andthatfeelingspreadsfurther,untilshe’sburstingwithit.
Daniel’seyesdiptohermouth.Heabsentlypincheshisbottomlipbetweenhisforefingerandthumb,andshecanfeelit,justasshehadfelthisfingersalonghertongueatWindyCity.Herpulsequickens.Shelooksaway.JordanandSiobhanarestillabsorbedinthecamera,butNeen’sheadisup,eyespointeddirectlyather.
“I’mgoingtothebathroom,”Liyahannounces.“Seeyouguysdownstairs.”Shehurriesaway,Neenundoubtedlyatherheels.
Insidethebathroom,theyfollowher,stomping,intoastall.“Neen,”shecomplains.“Idoactuallyhavetopee.”
Theyfoldtheirarmsacrosstheirchest.“Okaythen,dropyourtights.It’snotanythingIhaven’tseenbefore.”Liyah’sassisbarelyonthetoiletseatwhentheysay,“Pleasedon’tkillme,butthisisthepartwhereIbringupDaniel.”
“What,findsomethingyoulikedinhisbirthchart?”Liyahsmirks,desperatelytryingtomaintaincontroloftheconversation.Whichisdifficult,giventhatshe’sactivelyurinating.
“Itfeelslike,speakingasacompletelyobjectivethird-partyobserverwithabsolutelynopersonalinterestinthematter,”theysay,quotingShe’stheMan,thepair’sfavoritesleepoverfilm,“theremightbesomethingtherebeyondamistakengrievingkiss.”
Liyahscowls.“Doubtit.”
“C-J,comeon.Youflirtwitheachotherlikeit’sbreathing.Andthosebroodinglooks—youcouldcutthetensionwithaknife.Idon’tknowhowJordanandSiobhanputupwithiteveryweek.”
“Ithinkthey’rebusywithotherthings,”Liyahmutters.
“Afriendwithbenefitswouldbeanicechangeforyou.”
“Ionlyeverhavefriendswithbenefits,”Liyahprotests,reachingforthetoiletpaper.
“No,youonlyeverhavebenefitswithbenefits.Besides,he’slike,stupidlygood-looking.HeterosexualNicoKimwithbettertasteinclothesandaconsiderablyboring-erjob.”Liyahwouldsaythatthejury’sstilloutonDaniel’sclothingtaste,butNeenisalsonostrangertoawildlyprintedbutton-down.
“Iliterallyhavenoideawhoyou’retalkingabout.”
Neen’seyesgowideasifLiyah’sconfusionisunimaginable,pullingouttheirphone.“ThehotorthopedicsurgeononGrey’s!”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Ifthisisallanelaboraterusetogetmetowatchyourmedicaldramas,it’snotgoingtowork.”
“You’llwanttowatcheveryepisodewhenyouseeDr.Kim.”Theywaggletheireyebrows,shovingthephoneinfrontofLiyah’sface.
Themanonthescreenmakesroyal-bluescrubslookmuchbetterthantheyoughtto.Hishairisstraight,smiletoosymmetrical,andthere’snobendinhisnose,butLiyahbegrudginglyadmitsthatthere’smorethanapassingresemblanceinhiseyesandjaw.“Fine,whatever.Icansortaseeit.”
“See!Stupidlygood-looking.”
“Ifyouthinkso,thenwhydon’tyousleepwithhim?”Liyahretorts.
“Awholelistofreasons,startingwithhe’samanandendingwithhe’dprobablyslipupandmoanyournameandthenI’dbetraumatizedforlife.”Despiteherself,Liyahlaughs.“Look,atthispoint,it’sboundtohappen.Andifitdoesn’t,it’samissedopportunity.”
“Yeah,yeah.He’scute,buthe’safriend.”
Neencluckstheirtongue.“You’renotseriouslygonnakeepyourhookuprulebookforever,areyou?Iknowitserveditspurposeforatime,butIthinkyoucanletitgonow.”
Atherapistortwohassaidasmuch,butLiyahisn’tsosure.“It’sgottenmethisfar.”
Neenpauses,suckingintheirlip.TheycouldpointoutthatLiyahdidn’thavethehealthiestrelationshipwithsexaftertheendofherfreshmanyearofcollege,anditonlystartedimprovingabouttwoyearsago.Or,theycouldsaythatshestillhasatotalaversiontoseriousrelationships.Fromthewaythesilencehangsintheair,sheknowsthey’reconsideringit.Butthen,theysigh,mostlikelyresolvingtobringitupanotherday.“Justconsiderbendingtherules.Forhersake”—theylookpointedlyatLiyah’scrotchasshepullsuphertights—“andletmeknowifitdoeshappen.Wait—don’tflush,Ihavetopee,too!”
“I’mleavingthisstall,now.”AndneverthinkingaboutwhatImayormaynotfeeltowardordowithDanieleveragain,ifIcanhelpit
“Bye,C-J.Getmeadrink!”theycallafterher.
LIYAHHASBEENdisappearingonDanielallnight.Atthephotobooth,afterthecostumecontestwinnerswereannounced,andnowfromthescreeningofNightattheMuseum.Tobefair,she’salsodisappearingoneveryoneelse,butwithhimitfeelspersonal.Theymakeeyecontact,andthensuddenlyshehassomewherepressingtobe,eventhoughtheeventiswell-staffedandrunningsmoothly.
He’swatchingherretreatingformwhenJordanleansoverandwhispers,“So…Neenisfineasshit.”
Danielsupposesit’strue.ButgivenNeendoesn’texactlygiveoffthevibethatthey’reattractedtopeopleofhisgender,he’sneverreallythoughtaboutit.“And?”
“Justmakinganobservation.”
Daniellaughs,turningbacktothescreen.“Good,becauseifyoudomorethanthatyou’regonnagetthategoofyoursbadlybruised.”
Helooksover,andJordan’sfrowning.“Y’allarealwaysonmeabouthowyou’renotsupposedtoassumepeople’ssexuality,nowI’msupposedto?”hehisses.“They’rehot,andImighthaveachance.”
“I’mnotassuming,Liyahtoldme.”
“Fuck.”
Yeah,fuck.Forthefirsttimeintheirfriendship,itfeelslikeDanielandJordanaresomewhereclosetothesamepageintheirsexlives.Hecouldcommiserate,butthatmightleadtomentioningthekissthatsupposedlyneverhappened,soit’sbestleftalone.“Sorry,man.”
“Yeah,metoo,”Jordansayswithaneasylaugh.
TheywatchforafewminutesbeforeJordanleansinagain.“Idon’twannagetonyoutotalkifyou’renotfeelingit,butIwanttocheckinaboutThursday.”
Danielstopsbreathing,wonderingmomentarilyhowJordanfoundoutabouthimandLiyah,untilherealizesthathe’stalkingabouthisdad.Heswallows.“Oh,um.Yeah.ItwasgoodtobewithmymomandKayla.”
“DidAlexdohiswholepretendingtohitonMinjithing?”
“Yeah,butatleasthewasn’ttherethewholetime.”
Jordanwhistles.“Can’tblamehim.Ifweweren’tfriends,I’dbehappytobeyourstepfather.”
ThiscracksDanielup,andJordanlaughsalongwithhim.“Cuckingmydeaddadislow,evenforyou.”
Jordangrins.“Mybad,”hesays,butDanielknowshediditintentionally,tomakehimlaugh.“Yougood,man?”
“I’mdoingbetter,actually.Wetalkedabouthim.Ihaven’treallydonethatmuch.”
“That’sbig!I’mproudofyou.”Hewaitsabit,butDanieldoesn’tfeellikethere’smuchmorehe’sreadytosay.Jordanshrugs,takinganotherhandfulofcheddarpopcornfromthebagthatrestsagainsthisbarestomach.
Anothertwentyminutes,andstillnosignofLiyah.“I’mgoingtogomakesurenothing’sgonewrong,”hesays.
Danielscoursthekeyspaces,butLiyah’snotateitherbar,bytheDJ,oratthebistro.Somestaffmembershavestartedtosetuptheairmattresses,butasbesthecantell,Liyahisnotamongthem.Maybeshe’sgonebacktothemovieinhisabsence?ButashepassesbyaSTAFFONLYdoor,anotheroptionoccurstohim.
Whenhepushesthroughtheplasticsheeting,hefindsthattheroomhasbeencompletelytransformedsincehelastsawit.Cavepaintingslinethewalls,andtinyVenussculpturesstandencasedinglassonpodiumsinthecenteroftheroom.Liyah’sleaningagainstthewall,directlyunderneaththefreshlyprintedwordsARTINTHEUPPERPALEOLITHICERA,frowning.
“ThoughtImightfindyouhere,”Danielsays,stridingtowardher.
Shedoesn’tlookupuntilhe’srightthere,andeventhen,allshesaysis,“Hi.”
“Hi,”hereplies.
“Hello.”
“Howdy.”
“Topofthemorning.”
Thatonemakeshimlaugh.“Thisplacelooksgreat.It’sreallycomingtogether.”Shenods,bitesherlip,thenlookstothesky,blinking.“Hey,”hewhispers,steppingcloser.“What’swrong?”
“You’reright,itdoeslookgreat.Andmyfavoritepartsareontheirway,too.Butwhatifit’snotenough?Ispearheadedanentireexhibitmyself,evenputupwithEmilianotryingtoholdthecavedrawinganalysishostagesoIwouldconsiderincludingtheinventionoffireworks—whichwouldberidiculous,likeisthisoneexhibitsupposedtocoverliterallyeverythinghumanshaveeverdone?That’simpossible.”Sheexhales.“I’mdoingallthisworkthatI’mproudof,andImightnotmakecuratorbecauseofmembershipnumbersthataren’tevenreallyinmycontrol.Imean,forpeoplewhotrulyhatemuseums,aren’ttheseeventsjustlikewrappingshitincellophaneandputtingabowonit?”
Dancemusicpulsessoftlythroughthewalls,basslinevanishingastheyspeakbutdistinctwhenthey’requiet.“Therearesomanypeoplehere,Liyah,”hetries.“Iknowthewinenightdidn’tgowell,butwe’vegotado-overinJanuary.Andwestillhavetheholidaypartybeforethen.Thenumbers’llgoup.”
“Youdon’tknowthat!”
“You’reright,Idon’t.Butyoujusthavetotrustintheprocess.”Liyahsnorts.“What?”
“Nothing,”shesays.
HestepsforwardandplaceshispalmflatagainstthewallnexttoherAfro.He’ssosingularlyfocusedonherthatheknowshe’snotimaginingthewayshearchestowardhim.Shedoesn’tmeethiseyes.“Thereissomethingyou’renottellingme,”hesays.
Danielseesherbreathhitchasshefinallylooksupathim,feelshisheartskipinexacttime.“Idon’tknowhowyoudothat,Daniel,”Liyahsays.“Alwaysexpectthingstogowell,giveyourselftotheworldandhopeitdoesn’tbreakyou.AsmuchasIwanttosayit’sbecauseofeverythingthat’shappenedsince,youwerelikethatwhenwewerekids,too,andI’mnotsureIeverwas.”Hereyesdiplower,shebitesherlip.Danielwatchesasthewhitebracketsherteethleaveonthebrownishpinkdisappear.
Heleansdown,heartinhisthroat.Shetiltsherchinup.Abriefexchangeofbreath.
“Don’tdothat!”shespitsout,frustrated.Danieldropshisarm,puttingafootofdistancebetweenthem.“Youknowwecan’tgothere.It’stoorisky.Whatifit’s…There’stoomuchtolose.”
Danielrunshisfingersthroughthehairsatthebackofhishead,theonlypartofhishairthathasn’tbeengelledtooblivion.“Yeah,okay.That’sprobablysmart.”Shenods,closinghereyes.“Iknowthismightbe…butdoyouwant—canIgiveyouahug?”Shenodsagain,andhewrapshisarmsaroundher,herbodymoldingtohis.Herarmssnakeinsidehisjacket,linkingaroundhislowerabdomen,andsherelaxesentirely,perfectlyconformingagainsthiseveryplanelikealiquidtakingtheshapeofitscontainer.Shefeelssofuckinggoodinhisarms,buthecandoit.Hecanpushthosethoughtsawaybecauseheknowswhatthisjobmeanstoherandwhatshemeanstohim.“Ireallythinkit’sgonnabeokay,”hewhispers.Heunclaspshishands,usingonetorubhershoulder,theothertotracetheindentofherspine.
“Optimismishardforme,”shesaysintohischest.
Daniellaughssoftly.“Youdon’tsay?”
“Shutup,Rosenberg.”Liyahstepsback,reshapingherhairfromwherehischindeformedit.
“Youreadyforoursleepoveratthemuseum,roundtwo?”heasks.
“ReadyasI’lleverbe,”shereplies.
SSC#11MEETINGNOTES:
Secretary:Jordan
????Basketball
????FromDaniel:theBullsaregoingtosuckthisseasonduetonew-ishdraftpickrules
????Jordanconfirms
????LiyahaccusesJordan+Danieloffair-weatherfandom
????Thisisoffensive
????SiobhanusesHouseRule#8tocalltime
????Work
????Nobodyfeelsliketalkingaboutitthisweek
????Liyah:“Amen”(pronouncedJewishlylikeAh-main)
????Liyah+Danielobjecttothephrase“pronouncedJewishly”
????Dating
????Jordan+Liyah+Daniel:nocomment
????FromSiobhan:sofar,LiyahismorerightaboutdatingappsthanJordan
????Several“luckoftheIrishjokes”
????One“doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes”questiondespiteherbeingblondandnotginger
????SSCwillselecttwomatchesforhertoaskoutnext,Siobhanwillreportback
????ChanukahPartyatLiyah’sfornextSSC
????No,twofromnow.Mybad
????Noruleadditions
SSC#12MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Daniel
????Work
????Jeffisanenormousasshole
????SiobhanbacksupLiyahonhisassholery,butsuggestsLiyahaskforhelpinthefuture
????Danielsecondsthis.Liyahdidn’ttellhimorSiobhanthathewasstillsendingrudeemailsaboutmembershipnumbers
????Jordandidn’tknowaboutthematall
????Liyahsayseverybodyhastotakeatequilashotwithheriftheyinsistongoingthroughhercharacterflaws
????“Yes,eveninlightofRule#7”
????Dating
????Jordanhassuccessfullybeensingleforamonth.Cheers.
????Siobhan’smostrecentdate,pickedbyJordan,wasnotawful,butwouldprobablygetalongbetterwithJordanthanher
????“Stillprogress!”—Liyah
????DanielandLiyahthinkweshouldn’thavetotalkaboutthiseveryweek.
????Forsomereason,aRule#11caponLiyahmakingfunofDanielisvetoedbythegroup
????“Ha!”—Liyah
????SiobhanandJordanclarifythatit’sonlybecauseitwouldbeabitchandahalftoenforce
????“Hayourface!”—Daniel
????Liyahdoessignatureeyeroll
????Sheclaimsthisisnothersignature.Everyonedisagrees
????NoruleadditionsCHAPTER17
“HEARmeout:kimchilatkes,”isthefirstthingDanielsayswhenLiyahopensthedoor.Hesetsafive-poundbagofrussetpotatoesandthreeliter-sizedmasonjarsofbubblingfermentedcabbageonLiyah’scounter.
“Itoldyouit’sjustSiobhanandJordan,right?”Liyahsmirks,tearingopenthemeshsackanddepositingthepotatoesintoacolanderforwashing.
Daniellaughs.“Wellplayed.Areyougoingtohearmeout?”
“You’resuggestingthatweslicesomekimchi,mixitwithgratedpotatoesandflourandegg,andthenfryit?”
Danielhesitates.“Yes?”
Liyahletshimstewforamomentbeforerelinquishingherurgetogrin.“Inwhatworldwouldthatnotbedelicious?”
Hechuckles,shakinghisheadandrelaxinghisshoulders.“Youhadmeworriedforaminutethere,”hesays,andgetstowork.
Liyahismorethanhappytoplaysous-chefandbesavedfromdodgingthesplatteringoilfromthehotpan.Ifshe’sbeinghonest,it’salsoajoytowatchDanielcook.He’ssolostintheritualofitthatshedoesn’thavetopretendshe’snotstaring.Thesleevesofhismenorah-printedbutton-downarerolledup(naturally),theroundedendsofjellyfishtentaclesonhisforearmsondisplay.Sheonlyteaseshimforitonce.Hefurrowshisbrowandsweepshistongueoverhisbottomlipinconcentrationandastraylockofhairkeepsfallinginfrontofhisface.
“Thisishowmyparentsmet,”Liyahsaysabsentlyassheplacesanothertrayoflatkesintheoventokeepwarm.
“YourgoyishedadmadeyourJewishmomlatkes?”
Liyahfrowns.“Firstofall,ifthatissupposedtoimplythatyouaremakingmelatkes,asopposedtothisbeingateameffort,you’reanass.”Daniellaughs.Typical.“Second,no.ImeantChanukahingeneral.HesawherlightingthemenorahinherdormroomwindowatU-dubanddemandedtoknowwhothiswhitegirlcelebratingKwanzaaalonewas.SoshetoldhimthestoryofChanukah.Notthemiracleoftheoil—sheexplainedhowthat’sthesanitizedversionforchildrenandthattheoriginalmiraclewashowthreehundredJewswereabletofightofftheiroccupiers,butcelebratingwaranddeathisn’tinlinewithJewishvaluessowedothelightthinginstead.And,youknow,everyreligionhasawinterfestivaloflightssoit’sjustuniversalhumanspirituality.Safetosay,hewasenamored.”
Daniellaughs.“Nowthatyou’vetoldme,Ican’treallyimaginethepeoplewhomadeyoumeetinganyotherway.”
“Goodstory,huh?HegrewupinClarkeCounty,Alabama.NotalotofJewsoutthere.NotthathegrewupcelebratingKwanzaa,either,buthehadheardofit.”
Theyfallintosilence,andLiyahwatchesthatbitofhaircomelooseonceagain.Afterthethirdfailedattempttoshakeitoutofhiseyes,Liyahtakespityandwashestheeggymessfromherhands.“Comehere,”shesays,andDanieldoesahalf-squattobringhimselftoherlevel.Shebrushestheoffendingstrandsup,herfingersghostingagainsthisforehead,anddoesherbesttotuckthemintoplace.She’sfocusingsolelyonhishair,butshecanfeelhiseyesonher,andherheartpumpsharderinherchest.
“Thanks,”hesays,barelyaudibleoverthesizzleofthepancakes,andshemakeseyecontactatlast.
Here’sthething:Danielisbeautiful.Sheremembersthefirsttimeshenoticedit:thesummersheturnedeleven,duringSechiah.They,alongwithGrossandMichal,werecompetingtoseewhocouldholdtheirbreaththelongest.LiyahandDanielwerethelasttwounderwater,butshesurfacedsecondsbeforehedid.Andwhenhepoppedup,hairslickedtohisforehead,dropletsdanglingfromhisimpossiblythickeyelashes,Liyahforgothowtotreadforamomentandswallowedabunchofwatertryingtocomebackupforair.Shewassoembarrassed,shewouldn’ttalktohimfortherestoftheday,andheassumeditwasbecauseshewasasoreloser.Rightnow,hisgazeflickeringdowntoherlips,she’stakinginthoseeyelashesandthecutofhisjawandthesoftnessinhiseyesandthegoldenundertonesofhisskinallatonceandit’sexactlyhowitwasthatfirsttime.Toomuch.
Andyetshecan’tlookaway.Ifhewerethesun,she’dreadilyburnherretinas.
“Liyah.”Daniel’svoicecomesoutstrained,andshelosesherbreath.
There’saknockatthedoor,andLiyahjumpsback,scramblingtoanswerit.
“Wecomebearingdrinks!”SiobhanandJordanholduptheirrespectivebottlesofwhiskeyandgin.
“Perfect,comeonin.”
SiobhanpullsLiyahasideasJordancallsa“Heyman,wantaginandtonic?”andsauntersovertothekitchen.
ShepressesthebackofherhandtoLiyah’sforehead.“Youfeelingokay,love?You’reabitredinthecheeks.”
“I’vebeenstandingoverahotstove,it’stobeexpected,”Liyahlies.
Danielwhipsaround,wavingthespatulaatLiyah.“I’vebeendoingthefrying,don’ttrytotakecredit.”
“Well,I’vebeenbytheheatmixingthebatter.Byhand,mightIadd,”Liyahretorts.
“That’snothing.I’mdoingallthehardwork,andI’vegottheoilburnstoproveit.”
Liyahrollshereyes.“You’resuchababy.”ShemakesherwayovertoherBluetoothspeakerandputsonherChanukahpartyplaylist,whichconsistsofwhateveralternativeR&Bshe’sbeenlisteningtorecentlyandtheonlythreeholiday-specificsongssheknows.
Andlikethat,thetensionbetweenthemdissipates.
BYTHETIMEthethreecandlesinthechanukiaharenothingbutcolorful,waxystubs,Siobhanisafewdecibelslouderthanusual,havingfailedtocurbhercocktailconsumptionafterfindingthekimchilatkestoospicytoeat.DanielandJordanhadmanagedtoholdintheirwhitepeoplejokes,butLiyahhadnot,andtohercredit,Siobhanseemedgenuinelyamused.
TheNorthCarolina–bredchivalryinJordanhasyettobefrozenoutbytheChicagowinters,andhecallsanUberashehelpsSiobhanintoherfurrypinkcoat.“I’msorrytoleaveyoutwotoclean,”hesayslookingbacktoSiobhan,whoisleaningagainstLiyah’swallforsupport.
Danielshakeshishead,offeringa“You’regood,man”asLiyahwaveshimoff.
“IknewwhatIwasgettingintowhenIofferedtohost.”ShehugsJordangoodbyefirst,thenSiobhan.“Textmethemomentyou’rehome.”
“Well,I’msureI’llbescarletaboutthistomorrow,butIhadawonderfulnight.Thanksforhosting,love.”SheleansinandgivesLiyahanaudiblekissonthecheek.
“Themomentyougethome.Imeanit.”
“Yes,sir!”Siobhanlazilysalutesandwaltzesoutthedoor,Jordantrailingherandwearingaconcernedfrown.
Liyahslidesthedeadboltintoplacewithasatisfyingclick,andDanielisalonewithheronceagain.Theysilentlygoaboutclearingthetable,eventuallymovingontotradeturnsscrubbinganddryingthepileofdishesinthesink.
Thisshouldn’tfeelweird.They’vebeendoingwell—atleasthethought—sincehisdad’sYahrzeit.Abitofuncertaintythatnightonherrooftop,andagainonHalloween,sure,butsincethenthey’veinteractedwithease.Tonight,watchingherjokeandlaughandpoorlysingalongtoAdamSandler’s“TheChanukahSong”afterthatmomentinthekitchen…
It’sbrokenhim.Itfeelslikeeverysinglehaironhisbodyisstandingup,hisawarenessofherheightenedwithhereverymove.She’swearingthisstupidbaggysweaterwithLet’sGetLit!emblazonedacrossherchestaboveacartoonmenorah,andshe’squitepossiblythesexiestwomanhe’severseen.Witheachaccidentalfingertouchasanewlycleaneddishisexchanged,theairgrowsthicker.
Justbeforehesuffocates,Liyah’sphonebuzzes,slicingthroughtheheadysilence.
Sheabandonsthepotanddishragtocheckit.“SiobhanishomeandhastakensomeAdvilwithalotofwater.”
“That’sgood,”Danielmumbles,hiswordscomingoutraspy—asifhehasn’tspokeninhoursordaysratherthanmereminutes—andheturnstolookather.
Liyah’seyesskateoverhisfeatures,lingeringathislips,andhethinks—no,heknows—thatshefeelsthedensenessofthespacebetweenthem.“Daniel,”shesaysinavoicehe’sneverheardbefore,andsomethingknottedinsidehimcomesundone.
“Liyah,”hestarts,pausingtodryhishandsonthedishtowelandtakeadeepbreath.Hestepstowardher,tentativelyplacinghishandatthesmallofherback.Sheblinks,inhalingsharply,butdoesn’tmoveawayfromhim.There’reamillionreasonswhyheshouldn’tsaywhathe’sabouttosay,nottheleastofthembeinghowshereactedlasttime.Afterwhatfeelslikeaneternity,thesheerdesirethrummingthroughhisbodywinsover.“Doyouwantmetokissyou?”
Sheexhales,stillfrozeninplace.“Wesaidweweren’tgoingtodothis.”
Danielswallows,nodding.“You’reright.”
“Thatwasn’tano,”Liyahsays.
Aslowsmilespreadsacrosshisface.“Alright,then,I’llaskyouagain:doyouwantmetokissyou?”
Herlipspart,hereyeswideninginawaythatalmostlookspained.“Please,”shewhimpers,andtiltsherchintowardhim.
Danielclosesthegapgently,softlypressinghislipstohersashishanddivulgestheintensityofhiswantbyroughlydrawinghertohim.Liyahpressesrightback,risingtohertiptoestogetbetteraccess,themovementcausingherbodytoslidefirmlyagainsthis.Herteethgrazehisbottomlip,andhegroans,kissingherbackwithfullforce,tonguestangling,handsfindingbelliesandhipsandnecks.Herfingernailsskatedownhisspineandfuckhe’shardalreadyandhecan’tevenbeembarrassedbecauseLiyah’smakingthesesoftmoansthatgetlouderashislipslatchontoherneck,andwhenheleansback,hereyesareclosed,herfacerelaxedinthatfamiliar,blissfullylostlookhelovessomuch.Heliftsherontothecountertop,andshewrapsherlegsaroundhim,bringingthemclosertogether,heelsdiggingintohishamstrings.
I’veneverbeenthisturnedonbefore,hethinks.Butthatcan’tbetrue,canit?He’ssleptwithafairnumberofwomen,andyet…
OneofhisgreedyhandsslidesunderLiyah’ssweaterandcrawlsupherskinuntilitreachesthelaceofherbra.Theotherhooksunderherthigh,pullingherhipsintohimeventhoughthey’realreadyascloseastheycanpossiblybe.Ahardnipplepressesintohispalmashekneads,andLiyahdigshernailsintohisbicep.Thebackofhisthroatemitsanunfamiliarsound,almostlikeagrowl,andLiyah’stongueplungesdeeplyintohismouthasifshe’stryingtotasteit
Suddenly,shebreaksthekiss,andDaniel’sentirebodystills.Hereyelidssqueezeshut,andsheopenshermouthtospeak,butsaysnothing.
Danielsearchesherface.“Areyouokay?Doyouwantmetostop?”She’sstillquiet,breathingheavily.Hedropshishandsandpullsaway,butshewhinesandusesherlegstobringhimbackagainsther,shakingherhead.
She’sjustasoverwhelmedasIam,herealizes,andlaughssoftly,liftinghishandstotracegentlecirclesonherthighs.“Wheneveryou’reready,letmeknowwhatyouwantfromme.Unlessyouwantmetoforgetwedidthis,becauseIdon’tthinkthere’sanythingIcoulddotomakethathappen.”
HE’SLAUGHINGHowishelaughing?
Liyahisunmooredfromrealitytothepointofbeingunabletoformasentence,andhere’sDaniel,sanguine,smiling,theonlysignofdisarraybeingthestateofhishair.She’snotevensurewhyshe’slikethis;she’snotexactlyablushingvirgin.Itcan’tjustbethatDaniel’sagoodkisser(phenomenal,actually),becauseshe’senjoyedmanygoodkissersbefore.Andnoneofthemhavemadeherfeellikeshe’sfallingapartattheseams.
Hisfingersarestillrunningoverherthighs,andafterafewseconds(ormaybeminutes,shecan’tbesureatthemoment),Liyahbitesout:“Ididn’tforgetthefirsttime.”
Daniellaughs,thecornersofhiseyescrinkling.“NeitherdidI.”
“Oh.”Herheartfluttersabit.“You’rewearingtoomuchclothing,”shesays,andfinallyhasalargeenoughshredofcomposuretolaughwithhim.
Hiscallousedfingersfindtheirwaybacktothebareskinofherstomach.SheremembersnoticingtheroughnessagainstherskinthatfirsttimehetouchedheratKinley’sanniversaryparty.Now,sheknowsthey’refromhiseveningsatChicagoRocks.It’sthefirsttimeshe’severarticulatedthatthoughtinitsentirety,butitmakesherseethepadsofhisfingersdifferently.They’reanemblemofhisfriendshipwithJordan,asignofamajorpartofhislife.
That’swhatitistoletsomeonein,havesomeonegofromashadowymiddleschoolmemorytofull-fledgedDaniel.It’sbeingabletoseeabiggerpicturefromasingularpuzzlepiece.Funnyhowthatgoes.
“Andwhatwouldyoulikemetodoaboutthat?”heasks,hislipsstretchingintothatcrookedsmile.Hereacheshisfreehanduptoherfaceandbrusheshisthumbacrosshercheekbone,pressinggentlyoneachofhermoles.
“Thinkofitasanextensionofrollingyourcuffs.Ifyoukeepgoing,eventuallyyou’llgetthere.”
Hereleasesher(thisisnotherintendedresult)torollhisrightsleevefarther.Itcatchesmidwayuphisbicep,andhemakesanexaggeratedfrown.“LookslikeI’mstuck.”
“Ihavetodoeverythingmyself,don’tI?”shecomplains,andclawsatthebuttonsuntilhisshirtfallsopen,slippingitoffhisshoulderstorevealadeliciousexpanseofchest,adarktrailofhaironhisabdomen.Withoutthinking,shepressesakisstothebodyofthejellyfish,thenabiteforgoodmeasure.Shereachesoutandtracesthetentaclesastheywraparoundhisarm,somethingshenowrealizesshehasalwayswantedtodo.“Whyajellyfish?”
“GotstungbyoneonafamilyvacationwhenIwaslittle.Ithoughtitwasfunny.”
“Yourdadwasn’tmad?”Thewordsfallfromherlipsbeforeshethinksbetterofit.She’snevermoredesperatelywishedforathickerfilterbetweenherbrainandmouth.IfitswaysDaniel,though,hedoesn’tshowit.
“Alittle,atfirst.HewasworriedthatIwasrejectingJudaism.ButwhenhesawIwasstilldoingthemajorholidays,hegotoverit.Ithinkithelpedthathethoughtitwasfunny,too.”
Shebitesherlip,lookingupathim,feelingwarmthspreadacrossherchest,downtoherbelly.“I’mglad.”
“Metoo.Now,”Danielsays,hisheaddippingsothathecanmovehislipsrightagainstherearlobe.“Isitokayifwedon’ttalkaboutourparents?”
Liyahlaughsandgrabshisjaw,guidinghisfacetowardhersuntilshecancapturehislipsinakiss.“Finebyme,”shesaysagainsthismouth,pullingbackonlysothatshecanremovetheuglyChanukahsweatershefoundonaclearancerack.
“God,Liyah,”hesays,voicegravelly,ashetakesinthesightofhertopless
“Therewasonceatimewhenyousawmeinlesseverysingleday,”shechallenges.
Danielshakeshishead,laughing.“One:Ican’tbelieveyouwanttocountseeingeachotherinswimsuitswhenwewerepreteens.Ithinkyouknowthisisdifferent.”Andshedoes.EventhepictureNeensentofDanielshirtlessatthepoolpartyisnothingcomparedtoseeinghimnow,whenhe’sinthispartialstateofundressjustforher.Shewantstoargue,butherskinfeelshotunderhisgaze,andshecan’tbringherselftodoit.“Andtwo:evenifIhadseenyoulikethisalready,I’dstillwanttostopandlook.”
Liyah’slipspart,releasingonlyherbreath,becauseshecan’tbegintoformulatearesponse.
Hewaitsforhertospeak,leaningcloseruntiltheirnosesjustbarelytouch.
It’sthattinybitofcontact,sosmallthatit’salmostnothing,thatdestroyswhat’sleftofherself-control.“Iwantyou,”shesaysbeforeshecanholdherselfback.Thewordsarethroatyanddesperateandnothinglikeherusualvoice,andit’snotquitesexy,atleastnotinthewayitshouldbe.Becauseshedoesn’tappendthewordsinsideme,nordoesshesaytotouchmeandit’salmostlikethatisn’tevenwhatshemeans.Shejustsaysyou,notasinhistouchbutasinhim,asinDanielasawhole,asinhefoundherloosethreadandisgoingtotuguntilshecompletelyunravels.
Itmustbetherightthingtosay,becausehiseyesdarkenandthey’rebacktokissingandunzippingandfeelinguntilthey’reoutofbreathandnearlynakedinherkitchen,herbikini-cutunderweartheonlythingseparatingherfromthecountertop.Hepresseshislipsinatraildownherstomach,pepperskissesontheundersideofherthighs,moaningasheremovesthelastbarrierbetweenherandthecoldquartz.Histongueandfingersmoveexpertlyagainstheruntilshecriesout,wantingmore.Moretouch,morecloseness,moreofhim
DanielstandsandpullsLiyahagainsthim,liftingherupandstumblingoverdiscardedclothestoherbedroom,wherehelaysherdownandpointsatherbedsidetable,oneeyebrowquirked.Shenods,andherummagesthroughthedrawer,extractingafoilsquare.Hetucksitbetweenhisteethashepullsdownhisboxerbriefs,doinganadorablelittlehoptospringfreeofthem.
Liyahsharplyexhalesatthesightofhim,standingnakedbeforeher,smilingandholdingeyecontactasherollsthecondomoverhimself.Daniel.Hebreaksalmosteveryruleshe’severmadeforherself.Butthere’snotachanceinhellthatshe’snotgoingtodoit.
Herambivalence(truemeaning,notcolloquial)mustbeapparentbecausehekneelsonthebedbesideherandtakesherhand.“Areyouokay?”hesaysforthesecondtimetonight.“Doyoustillwanttodothis?”
Liyahnodsfervently.“Yes,andvery,verymuch.”
Helineshimselfupwithher,pressesakisstoherforehead,andscoopsherhipsoffthebedwithhishandatthesmallofherback.“Good,becauseIwantyousobadlythatithurts.”
Shedoesn’thavethechancetoreturnhiswords,totellhimjusthowmuchithurts,becausehepressesintoher,andherjawfallsopenwithasilentmoan.
Ashepressesfarther,Liyahsqueezeshereyessotightlyshutthatsheseesstars.There’samomentofstillnessasDanielwaitsforhertoadjust.Ormaybeforhimself,too,judgingbythehissofbreathshefeelsrushpastherearlobe.Hisweightonherisall-consuming.Sogood.So,sogood.
It’snotjusthisweight.It’severything.Everysense,everythoughtisahazycloudofDaniel.Partofher,evennow,evenaftermonthsofwanting(andwantingnottowant),can’tbelievethatit’sDanielRosenbergshe’sdoingthiswith.Whosheislettinghavesomuchofher,whoisgivinghersomuchofhimselfinreturn.Herskinistrulyonfirenow,madeupnotofcellsbutoftinylociofheat.Shemightdisintegrate.
“Daniel,”shewhispers,voicestrained.
“Liyah,”hesaysback.Likehe’sinacloudofher,too.Shedidn’tleaveherownatmospherebehindtoenterhis.Theyswitched.
Ormaybeblendedtogether,andnowthey’rebothlearningtobreatheinthisnewcompositionofair.
Hemovesslowly,carefully,asthoughshe’smadeofglassatfirst,andshe’sdesperateformore,soshearchesandgrindsuntilhehearsherpleaandmeetsherwhereshewantshim,quickeningthepace,displayingthesameurgencyshefeels.
That’swhatit’slikethewholetime,acallandresponse,aconversationbetweentheirbodiesastheychangepositionsandburythemselveswithinoneanotherThisishowalllanguageshouldbefromnowon,Liyahthinks.Touch.Waitingforequalandoppositereaction.
“Fuck,Liyah,”Danielsaysthroughgrittedteeth,hisbreathfanningoverthebackofherneckfromwherehespoonsher,hisfingersmovingoverherinperfecttimewithhiships.Shereachesbackandthreadsherfingersintohishair,pullinghimin,feelinghimkissherneckastheconversationcomestoaclose,Danielholdinghertightlyastheirbodiestenseandreleasearoundoneanother.
There’salotthatLiyahcouldsayaftershegoesslackbutgiventhatsherecentlypredictedtheobsolescenceofverbalcommunication,the“Thatwas…wow”shemanagesisratherimpressive.
Danielsighsintothecrookofherneck.“Wow,indeed.”Akiss,pressedtohershoulder.“Thankyou.”
“SomemightsayIshouldbethankingyouaswell.”
Shecanfeelhislipsstretchintoasmileagainstherskin.“You’rewelcome.ButImoremeantthankyoufortrustingme.”
Atthis,Liyah’schestconstrictspainfully,tryingtocontainthethousandemotionsthreateningtopourout.Ifsheholdsstillenough,maybeshewon’thavetofeelanyofthem.Maybeshe’llbefrozeninthissingularmoment,anditwillconsumeheruntilitistheonlypointintimesheknows:past,present,future.Here,wrappedupinsomeonewhoholdsherwithkindness,willbetheonlywayshehaseverbeentouched,theonlywayshe’lleverbetouchedagain.Infiniteineitherdirection.Andimpossibleasitmaybe,ifshetoldDanielthatwaswhatshewanted,sheknowshewouldtrytoholdstillaslongashecould,justtogiveherthatmomentofpeace.Becausehe’sright,shetrustshim.Shepressesherfisttohersternum,asifthatwillholdherclosed,andissilentforaminute.
Then,Danielstillinsideher,Liyahbeginstocry.CHAPTER18
INseconds,DanielpullsbackandturnsLiyahtofacehim,wipingatthetearsastheyspilloverhercheeks.“DidIhurtyou?”heasks,hischesttighteningatthethought.
Liyahshakesherhead.
Noreliefaccompaniesthisrevelation,becausethesecondscenariocomingtomindisworsethanthefirst.“Okay,thenwhat’swrong?”
Shetakesagulpofair,givingasadsmile.“I’mjustdisappointedthatyoudon’thaveatraintattooedonyourassafterall,”shesays,tearsstillfalling.
Despitehimself,heletsoutashortlaugh.“Astragicasthatis,Liyah,it’snotwhyyou’recrying.”Hecupsthebackofherneckandpressesakisstohertemple.“I’mnotgoingtoforceyoutotellmeanythingifyoudon’twantto.Ijustwanttobevery,veryclearthatifyoudo,youcantellme.Anything.”
Liyahnods,dryinghercheekswiththebackofherhand.“Canyougivemeaminute?”
Danielhesitates,butreleasesher,andmakeshiswaytoherbathroomtocleanhimselfup.Behindthecloseddoor,hisfingernailsdigintohispalms,andhetriestosteadyhisbreathing.Ifhe’sright—andGod,hehopesheisn’t—he’sdoneallthathecando.Makeyourselfavailableasasafespace,butdon’tpush,Kaylasaid,whenshe’dgivenherverycareer-specificversionofTheTalk.
Notknowinghowlongofaminutesheneeds,heopensthetopdrawerbelowherbathroomsinkandispleasedtofindasparetoothbrushstillinitspackaging.Hebusieshimselfbybrushinghisteethandwashinghisface,focusingonthefeelingofthebristlesagainsthisgumsandthewatersplashingonhisskininsteadofmakinghimselfsickspeculating.Eventually,there’snomorewashinguptodo,andhemakeshiswaybacktoLiyah’sbed.
“CanIholdyou?”heasksashesits,themattresssinkingbelowhisweight.
“Yes,butletmewashupfirst,”shesays,voicesmall,andhe’sleftaloneinherbed.
Theminutesshe’sgonepassslowly,andDanielwondershowhe’llbeabletosleepifshedecidesnottotalktohim.Letalonehowhe’llbeabletosleepifshedoes.
Heknowsshe’sreturnedwhenthelightswitchflipsandthey’recastintodarkness.Sheclimbsbackintothebedandcurlsupinfrontofhimandhegingerlydrapeshisarmoverher,notsureifshe’llstillwanthistouch.Thenherfingerslacethroughhisandpullhisarmtightlyaroundher,andheletsoutthebreathhe’sbeensotightlyholding
TimetrudgesonwardandLiyah’sbreathingslows.Danielissureshe’sgonetosleep,butfinally,shesays,“Itwasmyfirstbestfriendincollege.”
Danielgulpsandgivesherhandasqueeze.
“Youknew,didn’tyou?Youfigureditout?”Hischesttightensagain.
Herubshisthumboverthebackofherhand.“Ihaveanidea,maybe.Butifyoudon’twantmetoknow,I’llassumewhateverIthinkiswrong.”
Thebreathshetakesisdeepenoughtoraiseandlowerhisarmwiththeexpansionandcontractionofherribcage.“Taleasoldascoedcollege,Iguess.Boylikesgirl.Girldoesn’tlikeboy.Boywaitsuntilgirlisextremelydrunkandtakesherbacktohisdormroom.Bitcliché,no?”
Somepeopleprocesssexualtraumawithhumor,Kaylasaid.Itstillcatcheshimoffguard.Hejustsqueezesherhandagain,becauseevenifhetried,hewouldn’tbeabletolaugh.
“EvenmoreclichéisthatIdidn’twanttoadmitittomyselfatfirst.Becausehowcouldthathappentome?Iamaliberated,independentBlackwomanwhocantakecareofmyself.”AwrylaughthatDanielfailstoreturnringsoutflat.“Stupidjoke.Anyway.Chalkedupallmyqueasinessaboutthenighttohavinggonetherewithsuchaclosefriend,nevermindthatIvaguelyrememberedaskingtostopandnotbeinglistenedto.”Hervoicecatches.“No,Ididn’treportit,yes,Ipretendedtoremainfriendswithhimforafewweeksbeforesuddenlyghostingandfeelingguilty.EventuallyIwenttoatherapistanddidallthat‘admittingwhathappenedandlearninghealthycopingmechanismssoIdon’tself-harmviahypersexuality’dadadadada.NowI’mintip-topshapesaveforthefactthatIapparentlyburstintotearsthefirsttimeIsleepwithafriend,sothat’sfun.”Hervoiceismonotone,asifsheisamereobserver.Danielhasnoideahowshedoesit.“Sorryyouhadtowitnessthat,”Liyahfinishes.
Hisstomachtwisting,Danielshakeshishead.“Liyah,thankyoufortellingme.Youhavenothingtoapologizefor.”
“Sorry.”
“Liyah—”
“Forapologizing.”Shelaughs,andthistimehelaughs,too.Sherollsovertofacehimforthefirsttimesinceshestartedcrying.“Behonest,isthatwhatyouthoughtwaswrong?”
Danielpauses,unsureofwhatshewantstohear.Eventually,hegoeswiththetruth.“Moreorless,yeah.”
“How?”
“YouknowhowKayla’satherapist?Well,workingwithsurvivorsisoneofherspecialtyareas.”Heleavesoutwhysheendedupdoingtheworkthatshedoes,whichprobablyhelpedhimrecognizewhatwashappeningquickerthananycrashcourseindealingwithdisclosuresevercould.
“Ah,moretricksofthetradefromKaylaRosenberg.Youreallygotluckywiththatone;someofuspaybythehour.”
“It’sprobablyagoodideaformetoseesomeonewhodoesn’tsharemostofmyDNAandlifeexperience,”hesays,parrotingKayla’sperennialpitchthateventuallygothimintoDr.Espinosa’soffice.“But,yes,Iamverylucky.Doyouneedanythingfromme?Icangetyouaglassofwaterorlistenmoreifyouwanttotalk.”Hesmoothsthebabyhairspeekingoutfromherwrap.
“Nope,I’mgood.Toomuchtalkingafterourenthusiasticrenditionof‘ChanukahOhChanukah.’”
“Okay.”Then,sheepishly:“IsthereanythingIcando—oravoiddoing—inthefuture?Anywaysyoudon’twanttobetouched?”
LIYAH’SEYEBROWSRISE,simultaneouslyshockedandpleasedthatshehasn’tscaredhimoff.Ifanyofherprevioushookupshadcriedinherarmsafterthefirsttimethey’dhadsex…well,shewouldbekindinthemoment,butsheprobablywould’veneverseenthemagain.MaybeNeen’sright,andthisisthedifferencebetweensleepingwithpeopleyouhardlyspeaktoandhavinganactualfriendwithbenefits.Shebitesbackagrin,unabletopassupanopportunitytopokefun.“Whatmakesyouthinkthere’san‘inthefuture’?”
“God,no,I’mnotsaying…I’mnottryingtobepresumptive.Just,youknow,if—”
“Daniel,you’regood.I’mteasing.”Shewatcheshisshouldersrelax.“Idon’tthinkso.ButI’llletyouknow,okay?”
“Okay,”hesays.
Liyahwakesupatapre-daylighthourofthemorningwithapainfullyfullbladderandDaniel’smore-than-breath-less-than-snoreagainstherneck.Onherwaytothebathroom,shespiesherphone,carelesslyleftbythesinkinsteadofpluggedinbyherbed.It’sonitslastdregsofjuice,justenoughforhertofireoffafewmessagestoNeen:
Liyah
HadsexwithDaniel(youtoldmeso)
Neen
congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liyah
Criedwhilegenitalswerestillincontact(top5mostmortifyingmomentsofmylife,shouldyouneedtoknowforafuturebiography)
Toldhimaboutwhathappenedfreshmanyear
Phoneon1%,talktomorrow.Muchlove
Thankfully,thetypingbubbledoesn’tgivewaytoamessagebeforethescreengoesblack.Sheconnectsittothechargeratherdiningtableandturnsitfacedownlestthestart-upscreendistractheronthewaybacktoherroom.Inthebathroom,sheleavesthelightoff,notwantingtobeconfrontedwithherreflection.
So,thisiswhatit’slike,Liyahthinksasshescrubsherhandsinthedark,tellingsomeonewhoisneitherNeennoranaccreditedmentalhealthprofessionalWeird,numb,andunplannedarenottheadjectivessheexpected.Oncethetearsfell,tellinghimbecameinevitable,ifonlyforthesakeofherdignity.Whatshecan’tfigureoutiswhyshestartedcryinginthefirstplace.
ShecreepsbackintotheroomanddoesherbesttoclimbdeftlyintobedwithoutdisturbingDaniel.Justasshemakesitunderthecovers,heopenshiseyesandsnakeshisarmsaroundher,drawingherbackflushagainsthistorso.
“Pleasedon’ttellmetoforgetaboutthistomorrow,”hemurmurs.
“Daniel.”Shesayshisnameslowly,carefully,steadyingherselfovertheirregularraceofherheart.“You’retheonewhosuggesteditlasttime.”
Heshrugs.“Itseemedlikethatwaswhatyouwanted.Andyou’retheonewhosaidwecouldn’tgothere.”
“Well,regardless,it’snotwhatIwantnow.”
“Andwhatisthat?”
“Togothefucktosleep.”Shepauses,longenoughtobeplayfulbutnotenoughtobetorturous.“Andthen,hopefully,tohavealotofexceptionallygoodsex.”
Hehumsnearherear,hisfingerslazilycirclinghernavel.“Thatsoundsnice.I’dlikethat,too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”Hekissesthecrookofherneck.“AnyideawhereIcouldfindapartner?”
Liyahlaughs.“Wellplayed.”
Thenexttimeshewakes,herroomisfilledwithfull-fledged,ten-in-the-morningdaylight,andthebedisemptybesideher.She’snotdisappointedatDaniel’sabsence,perse.Maybealittlesurprised.Nightsalonearestandardfordoingthingscasually,andLiyah’ssnuckoutofmanyahookup’sapartment.Itjusthadn’tseemedlikeDaniel’sstyle.
SheundoesherhairwrapandremovesthesilkscrunchieshestolefromDanielweeksago.Assheclimbsoutofbed,sherelishestheminormuscleachesthataccompanyanightwellspent.Eventhemildsorenessbetweenherlegs—it’sbeenawhilesinceshe’shadpenetrativesex,andDaniel’sbodyismorethanproportionate—isawelcomeone.
Untilsherememberstheendofthenight,andhercheeksheatwithembarrassment
Notmyfinestmoment,shethinksasshepullsontheChanukahsweaterthat’sbeenfolded,alongwithhercorduroyskirtandtights,andplacedontopofherdresser.ThisseemsmuchmoreliketheDanielRosenbergsheknows.She’llshoothimathank-youtextbecausesheappreciatesthecare.Andbecauseshemightbeabletogleanhowhisopinionofherhaschangedfromhisresponse.
Orrather,Neenwill,whenLiyahreadsitaloudoverFaceTimelater.
WhenLiyahroundsthecorner,herkitchencomesintoview.AlongwithDaniel’sbareback.He’sstandingoverthestoveinnothingbutCalvinKleinboxerbriefs,asteamingmugofcoffeeinonehand,spatulaintheother.
“You’reup,”hesays.
“Ithoughtyou’dleft,”Liyahsaysatthesametime.
Hiscrookedsmilefalters.“ShouldIhave?”
Shesurveysthespread:sautéedveggiesausagespiledononeplate,severalpancakesonanother,andafreshmugofcoffeewithhernameonit(literally—Neenmadeitduringtheirceramicsphase).“Youmademecoffeeandbreakfast,soI’mgoingtogowithno.”
Thesmilereturnsinfullforce.“Justreturningthefavor.Also,youhavetwenty-threemessagesfromNeen.”
Liyah’seyesgowide.“OhmyGod.”
Daniellaughs,flippingthelastpancakeontothestackandturningthedialonthestovetooff.“Ididn’treadthem,Ipromise.IsawtheexcessivenotificationswhenIwenttoplugmyphonein.”
Liyahstaresintohercoffeeasshetakesasip,anactionwhichisinnowayrelatedtoherneedtoavoideyecontact.
“Right,right.Liyahrulenumberone.”
Thisforcesherhand,andshemeetshisgaze.“Whichis?”
“Donotapproachunlesswell-fedandappropriatelycaffeinated.”
Acatch-22:anyofherusualwitticismswillonlyprovehispoint.Liyahtakesthisfactasmoreofapersonalaffrontthantheremarkitself.“I’dtellyouthatyou’retheunkosherendofacow,butthatwouldonlyplayintoyourunnecessaryandinaccuraterule-making.”
Danielsnorts.“Goodthingyoudidn’ttellmethat,then,oryoumighthavetoadmitI’mright,”hesays,steppingclosertoher,hishandsloopingaroundherhipsandpullingherflushagainsthim.Shesuddenlyregretshavingpartiallydressed;shewishesshecouldfeelhisskin.Hesmiles,leaningforward,waitingforhertomeethim,andthendrawingherintoalanguidkiss.
Fromtheheatthatrisestohereverysurface,it’sclearthatDaniel’stouchisn’tadoitonce,it’soutofyoursystemtypeofdrugbutratheradoitonce,immediatelyescalatetointravenousinjection.
Shebreaksawaywithadeepinhale.“I’dsaythatcountsasanapproach,”Liyahnotesinagotchatoneandplucksaveggiesausagefromtheplate.“Breakingyourownrules,aren’tyou?”
“You’vealreadyhadsomecoffee,soyou’rehalfwaythere.I’mstillavoidinganysuddenmovements.”
“You’dbetterwatchit,orthis”—shegestureswiththebreakfastsausage—“willbetheonlythingofitsshapeyoueverseegonearmymouthagain.”Shetakesanemphaticbite,andDanielgrimaces.
“Whatawaywithwords.Eatyourpancakes.”
Andshedoes,stoppingpartwaytolethimknowhowdelicioustheyare,ifhermoansofdelightaren’tindicationenough.Then,becauseDanielheedsherwordsandstopscomparinghertemperamenttothatofaferalanimal,Liyahfindsherselfclimbingontohislapandslidingherhandintohisboxerbriefs.Shestartsthedaywithhiminhermouth(andunderherandoverherandbehindher)anditisthekindofstarttothedaythatshewouldn’tmindmakingahabit.
Whenthey’recollapsedonthecouch,chestsrisingandfallingwithrapidbreaths,Liyahsurprisesherselfbyaskingwhathe’sdoinglater.
“I’vegottafeedSweetPotato,butotherthanthat,nothing.Why?”hesays,fingersrestingonherbelly.
“CareforatriptotheField?”
“Developing-slash-designingonaSaturday?Or,no—you’vecometothedarksideandwanttospendyourweekendsonmarketing,”hesayswithalaugh.
“No,Imeanlikegoingtotheexhibitions.Icangetusinforfree.”Sheaddsthelastbitasiftheno-costadmissioncanridherofhergrowingembarrassment.Thisisnotsomethingyouaskofacasualhookup,isit?Liyahcertainlyhasn’tdoneitbefore.
ButDanielisherfriend.Whichsupersedesthebenefits,shetellsherself,andshedecidesthatshehasnoreasontofeelweirdaboutit
“Alright,”Danielsays,sittingupright.“I’llgoputonacleanchangeofnon-holiday-themedclothes.Seeyouatyourstopintwohours?”
ThatsoundslikethelengthoftimeNeen’sabouttokeepheronthephone,butifsheputsthemonspeakerwhilesheshowers…“Perfect.”CHAPTER19
ALEXwhistlesassoonasDanielstepsthroughthedoor.“Welcomeback!I’vemissedyoudearly.”
Hisroommate’scheekygringivesDanielpauseasheslipsoutofhisshoesandstripsoffhiscoat.SweetPotatosniffsathimcuriouslybeforelettinghimscoopherup.“Missedyou,too.”HepassesaTupperwarecontainerbrimmingwithleftoverlatkes,andAlexrubshishandslasciviouslybeforepoppingthelid.
“Notyou,sweetthing.Iwastalkingtoyour‘Ijusthadsex’face.IwasgettingworriedI’dneverseehimagain.”
Daniellaughs.There’snorealpointindenyingit.“Thatbad,huh?”
Alexvigorouslynods,hismopofcurlyhairbouncing.“Youstinkofit,too.EvenSweetPotatonoticed,”hesays.
“Thanksforfeedingher,bytheway.”HeneglectedtotellLiyahthathehadalreadytextedAlexwhensheaskedifhewasfree.Bettertokeepsomecardsclosetohischest.“Also,pleasepopthoseinthetoasteroven.Eatingthemsoggyisgross.”
Alexshrugsandtakesabite.“Anytime,butespeciallyifit’sgoingtogetyoulaid.Wasiteverythingyoueverhopedfor?Isthesunshiningbrighter?Didbirdssingtoyouonthewalkback?Anewfeelingintheair?”
“IthinkIgotwindburnonmycheeks,ifthatcounts.”Danielcanfeelhislipsslidingintoasatisfiedsmirk,though,andit’senoughtomakeAlexslowclap.
“Bravo,dude,bravo.YoutellJordanyet?”
Danielshootshimawarninglook.Alexmimeszippinghislips.“I’dlikeatleastachanceatasecondtime.”Hechucklestohimself.“Orthird,technically.”
Alexwhoops.“Finally,man!Ican’tsingle-handedlybecarryingtheorgasmsforthishousehold.”
“I’mgoingtoshowerandchange.InpartbecauseIprobablydostink,butmostlybecauseIwantthisconversationtoend.”
“Messagereceived,”Alexsays,andcarriesthecoldlatkesbacktohisroomforhismiddaynap.
Towelingoffhisfreshlycleanedbodyfifteenminuteslater,Danielnoticeslittleredcrescentmoonsonhisbicep.Hetwiststoviewhisbackinthemirror,andsureenough,Liyah’snailshaveleftthinredlinesbracketinghisspine.Heremembersherfingersscrapingdownhisbackthismorning,sinkingdeeperwhenhegroanedinherear,buthe’dbeentoofocusedonthewayshetightenedaroundhimandflutteredhereyelidsshutinpureblisswhenhehittherightangletorealizeshewasleavingmarks.
Goddamn.
Hesurveyshimselfinthemirror.Alexisright:there’sanairofsmugnesswrittenalloverhisfeatures,buthecan’thelpit.TouchingLiyahissomethingelse.BeingtouchedbyLiyahissomethingelse.
Backinhisroom,hesiftsthroughthevariousbutton-downshirtsinthecasualdresssideofhiscloset.Hespendsafewminuteswafflingbetweenawhiteonewithpaintedorangesandalight-washdenim.TheorangepatternseemsabitsunnyforNovember,butthefirsttimeheworeitinfrontofLiyah,shespenthalfthenightsneakingglancesathischest.Hepullsitoffthehangerandslipsiton.
Ajudgmentalmeowcomesfromthegingerloafonhisbed.
Danielnarrowshiseyes.“What?”
SweetPotatomakesnoadditionalnoise,butherlooksaysfiveminutestopickoutashirt,huh?It’samuseum,notNewYorkFashionWeek
Hedigsthroughhisdrawers,pullsonhisfavoritepairofLevi’s,thensitsnexttoSweetPotatoontheedgeofhisbedsohecanrollonthicksocks.Shestirsatthemovement,refoldingherlimbsunderneathherbellyandgivinghimthatsamecensoriouslook.“I’mbeingcool,Ijustliketakingmytimeontheweekends.Iwearasuitfivedaysaweek,youknow.”
Sure,we’llgowiththat,sheblinksinresponse.Areyougoingtotaketwentyminutesfortheshoes?
Danielgentlyscratchesbehindherears.“It’sahumanthing,youwouldn’tunderstand.Becauseyou’reacat.WhoI’mtalkingto.I’veofficiallystartedtalkingtomycat,”herealizesaloud.
Yeah,you’retotallyplayingitcool,shestares,andDanielgetsupinsearchofhishigh-topsbeforeshecanlookanyotherquipshisway.
LIYAHARRIVESATDivisionslightlyoutofbreathtwentyminutesaftertheagreed-uponmeetingtimeandfindsthatDanieliswalkingupaswell.
“Rightontime.”Hedrawsherintoahugbutdoesn’ttryforakiss.Agoodthing,shethinks.Itmeansheprobablyhastherightideaaboutthem.He’sgotonabeaniethat’srolledsoitonlycoversthetopsofhisearsandamatchinggreenscarfthatshehasn’tseenhimwearbefore.It’sabeautifulcoloragainsthisgoldenskin.
“IthoughtIwasrunninglate.”
Heflasheshiscrookedsmile.“Ifactoredintheexpectedtimedelay.”
“Whatisthat,Liyahrulenumbertwo?”sheasksastheymovethroughneighboringturnstiles.
“Numberfive.”
Sherollshereyes,laughing.
They’reonthetrainfortwominutesbeforesheblurts,“We’re—thisisafriendthing,right?We’refriends?”
Theirgazesmeetforapainfullylongmoment.“Yes,Liyah,we’refriends.Areyoufeelingweirdaboutthesex?Itdoesn’thaveto…itcanbeaone-timethingifthat’swhatyouwant.”
“No!”Tooquick,anoctavetoohigh.Sheclearsherthroat.“No,that’snotwhatIwant.”Tooquietnow.Fuck.Shetriesagain.“Ijustwanttomakesurethatwe’reonthesamepageifwe’regoingtokeepdoingthis.Especiallysincewe’vestillgotafeweventsleftassemi-coworkers.”
Danielcracksasmile,restinghiselbowonhiskneeanddroppinghischintohispalm.“IsthistheLiyahCohen-Jackson‘Let’sKeepItCasual’speech?”
Sheflickshisthigh.“No!Idon’tusuallyspendenoughtimewithsomeoneforthemtogetthewrongidea.”
“Well,I’mhonoredtobethefirst.Couldusesomework,though.MayIsuggestrehearsinginthemirror?”
“Shutup.”
“Yes,Liyah.”Henudgesherkneewithhisown.“We’lljustbefriends.”
AttheField,Danieltellsherthathetrustsherexpertiseandgivesherfreerein.Theydon’thavetimetovisiteverysingleexhibitbeforedinner,soshedecidesonwhatsheviewsasthebareessentials.It’sbeenalongtimesinceshe’swalkedthroughthemuseumasavisitor,andittakesnomorethanfiveminutesforgiddyexcitementtotakeover.WalkingalongsideDanielislikediscoveringitanew.Heengageswitheachplaque,asksquestionsabouthowthespacesweredesigned,teasesLiyahforwantingtogothroughalltheinteractivestationseventhoughshehastheinsidescoop.Atfirst,shethinkshemightbehumoringher,butheletsoutanaahwhenadigitallyrenderedradiodontfloatsacrossthewallinherfavoritepartoftheEvolvingPlanetexhibit,andsheknowshefeelsthemagic,too.
“Igetwhyyoulovethisplace.Ifeellike…Idon’tknow.Tryingtocomeupwithallthesewaystopromoteit,Imanagedtomisstheforestforthetrees,”Danielsays,bumpingLiyah’selbowastheyexitInsideAncientEgypt.
“Yeah?”
Histonguesweepsoutoverhisbottomlip,leavingitplumpandglistening.Liyahtriesnottostare.“Imean,Istilldon’tthinkwe’regoingtowinnewpatronswithpromisesofSUE’sfurculaalone.ButIcandomoretopromotewhatthemuseumalreadyhastooffer,insteadofjusttheevents.Youreallydosomethinggreathere.”
Liyahgoesonhertiptoes,cuppinghisearandwhispering,“Softy.”
“Stoptryingtoruinmybad-boyreputation,”hewhispersback.Then,atnormalvolume:“Wheretonext,tourguide?”
Liyah’sprobablysmilinglikealunatic,butshe’sakidinacandyshop.“I’vesavedthebestforlast.UndergroundAdventure,herewecome.”
She’snotevensurewhyit’sherfavorite(larger-than-lifesoil-residingmicrobesweren’texactlythefocusofheranthropologydegrees),butitalwayshasbeen.It’salsodefinitelyforkids,butshegenuinelyenjoyswalkingthroughthemirroredhallsandstrangelightsthatclaimtoshrinkherdowntolessthanthesizeofapenny.ShemakesDanielstandnexttothegiant“ruler”onthewallandsnapsapicture.“Onlythreequartersofaninchtall!Lookslikeyou’regoingtoneedsomehelpwiththeoverheadbinsnexttime.”
“Thesignsaidtheshrinkingexperimentwouldbereversedattheend!”heprotests.
Liyahshakesherhead.“Youdidn’treadthefineprint.Itonlyworks99.9999percentofthetime.Youcouldbethatoneinamillion.”
Danielfeignsagaspandclampshishandoverhismouth.“There’snothingIcandoaboutit?”
“Notathing.”
“Thenyou’dbettershowmetheexhibit.Idon’twantthoseseventy-fourmissinginchestogotowaste.”
Hebeamswhenshelaughs,andallittakesisagentleelbowtugtoguidehimtothewondrousunderground.Sheshowshimthebestbits,liketheearthwormthatcomesupfromtheflooranddisappearsintotheceiling,theenormouscrayfishpoppingoutofapocketofwater,theearwigprotectinghereggs.
They’vealmostmadeittotheexitwhenDanielyelpsandjumpsback,nearlyknockingLiyahtothefloorintheprocess.
Whensheseestheanimatronicspiderbeforehim,shedoublesoverinlaughter.“It’s…not…real,”shewheezes.
“Iseethatnow.”Danielfrowns,butthere’slaughterinhiseyesashepatshisbodyasiftocheckthathismajorlimbsandorgansareintact.Liyahisstilllaughing.“LookslikeI’malive,thankyouverymuch.”
Shewipesatthetearsleakingoutofhereyes,takingcalmingbreathstoslowhershakingbody.
Danielgrins.“Thatthingscaredthelivingsh—”Heregistersthetwotoddlersrunningbyhimastheirparentglares.“—ish.Livingishoutofme.”
Andlikethat,hergigglesbubbletothesurfaceagainandshe’sclutchingherstomachinlaughter.Soon,Danielcan’thelpbutjoinher.Liyah’sstandinginthemiddleofthedoorway,andanannoyedmuseumgoerjostlespasther,forcingherintoDaniel.Hisarmsfindtheirwayaroundher,andtheystandtherelikethat,mirthripplingthroughthemuntilfinallytheycanholdittogetherenoughtowalkout.
AnyworryLiyahmight’vehadthatsleepingwithDanielwouldmakethingsweirdbetweenthemislonggone.Everythingisasitwasbefore.
Exceptnow,whenDanielsweepshistongueacrosshisbottomlipbeforeaskingifshewantspizza,shedoesn’twonderwhatitwouldfeellikerunningalonghersinstead.Sheknows.
Themomentthedoortohisapartmentshutsbehindthem(thepizzasbalancedprecariouslyinhislefthand)sheteststhatmemoryforaccuracy.Herneuralnetworkshavepreciselycapturedthefeelofhislipsagainsthers,butGod,thewayheatradiatesthroughherbodyfromeverypointwheretheytouch?Herownmindcan’tdoitjustice.
SSC#14MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Liyah
????Work
????Jordan’ssupervisorhasbeenlessofatotalsleazeball
????(Mywords,nothis.Thisisimportanttonoteforsomereason)
????LiyahisstilltiptoeingaroundJeff
????No,wouldnotliketoelaborate
????SiobhangotaHill&MountainadonInstagram!Veryexciting
????Dating
????SiobhanhadagooddatewithWilllastweekend
????Theykissed!
????(Willbeaskingfordetailsoffline)
????JordanandNishaareOFFICIALLYofficiallydone
????Thisisupsettingbecausehesaidthatthey’dbeenoverforamonthtwoweeksago,butmanagedtoreuniteandpartinthattime
????LiyahwouldappreciateitverymuchifJordanwouldstopaskinghertocontributetothisportionofthemeetings
????“It’snotmything”is,infact,aperfectlygoodexplanation
????AsnowballhasbeenthrowninhellbecauseDanielagrees
????Note:SiobhanisleavingforthreeweeksinDublinnextSaturday(WHICHMEANSSHEISDESERTINGUSFORTHEHOLIDAYPARTYLIKEATERRIBLEFRIEND,butIdigress).JordanwillbeinRaleighfromthreedaysbeforeChristmas.EverybodyoutoftownNewYear’s.NextweekwillbethelastSurvivalCluboftheyear
????Itisonrecordthateveryonehasagreedtotequilashots,sothisdoesnotcountasanyoneperson’ssuggestionforRule#7
????Noruleadditions
SSC#15MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:JordanLiyah
????Jordanhadtequilaanddidnottakeanynotes
????“Becauseheisadumbass”—Daniel
????Siobhanwillmissus,andwewillmissher,tooCHAPTER20
EVERYONEknowswhataholidaypartyis:hallsdeckedinglitteryredandgreen,eggnogabounds,anondenominationalgiftgiverwithasuspiciouslyfamiliarCoca-Cola–redsuit.AChristmasparty,withanafterthoughtofinclusivityhaphazardlyslappedoverthename.
DanielandLiyahdecidedtogotongue-in-cheekwiththisevent,though,andcreatedaholidaypartyintrueform.Theentrancetoeachexhibitistransformedintoadifferentdayoftheyearwithahousedrinktomatch.There’resprigsoffir,holly,andspikedeggnoginStanleyFieldHall,ofcourse—Danielknewthey’dneverescapewithoutgayingsomeYuletide.ButtheRonaldandChristinaGidwitzHallofBirdshaschocolate-dippedstrawberriesandroséforValentine’sDay,andtheGraingerHallofGemsboastsstreamers,champagne,andnoveltyNewYear’sglasses.There’sEarthDayattheAbbottHallofConservation,theFourthofJuly,Halloween,etcetera.
They’restandingatacocktailtableneartheopeningofWildColor,anexhibitionthatLiyahinformedhim—withanimpressivescowl—hadbeenconceivedasanInstagramtrapbutdidatleasthaveaUV-fluorescentplatypus.It’sSt.Patrick’sDay–themed,swathedinshamrock,andistheonlyexhibitionwithtwodrinks.ThefirstbeingicewaterwithenoughfoodcoloringtorunasgreenastheChicagoRiverontheSaturdaybeforeMarch17.AndthesecondbeingIrishcoffee,whichLiyahiscurrentlystaringdownwithnakedlustinhereye.
“Youwantone,don’tyou?”Danielasks.
Liyah’sattentionsnapstohim,hermouthslightlyajar.“Ishouldn’thavecaffeinethislate,I’llbejitteryandspendtherestofthepartyworryingaboutmembershipsign-ups.”
“Everheardofdecaf?Wemadesurethatwasavailable,”hechallenges.
“Ican’torderdecaf,that’sembarrassing.”
Danielleansforward,proppinghiselbowonthegreentablecloth.“Ooh,anewLiyahrule.Dotell.”
Sherollshereyes.“I’llgetmyPacificNorthwesternerCardrevoked.We’reaproud,overcaffeinatedpeople.”
“GetthedecafIrishcoffee.I’msureit’sequallydelicious.”
Liyahfrowns.“ButpeoplewillseemewhenIorder!”
Danielshakeshisheadinresponse,backingaway.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“You’reridiculous.I’mgettingitforyou.”
Heknowsshewantstotellhimnotto,sohestalksoffbeforeshegetsthechance.
DARK-WASHDENIMAPPROACHESherperiphery.“Thatwasfast,”Liyahsays,hurriedlytypingouttherestofheremailtoJeffbeforedrawinghereyesawayfromthephonescreen.
“Aliyah!Ithoughtthatwasyou.”
Isitpossibletofeelyourownblooddrainfromyourface?Ifso,Liyahdoes.Althoughit’snotphysiologicallylikely,she’sprettysureapintofithasclottedintoapitinherstomach.
She’dknowhisliltingFrenchaccentanywhere.Hereyesslidetothenearestexitasherpulsequickensinherearsandthroat,andshetastesmetal.Whydidshechoosetostandtuckedinacorner,awayfromthestairs?SheshouldhavelistenedtoDanielandwalkedthroughthepartylikeanormalpatron,abilitytopeoplewatchandpanicaboutmembershipsign-upsbedamned.Evenifshewerewillingtoleaveherbagbehind,shecannotmakearunforitwithoutcausingascene.Herchestbeginstoheat.
Afterwhatmighthavebeenanentiremillennium,shelooksup.“Hi.”Shehearsthewordbutdoesn’tfeelitescapeherthroat,likeastrangerhascommandeeredhervocalcords.
“It’sbeenawhile.”Liyahreadshissmileassmug,evenifit’snotmeantthatway.Hiseyelashesarestilllong,solongthatthetipsarebleachedblondbythesun.Sheoncefoundthemendearing,saidtheymadehimlooklikeababycow.Hesayssomethingmore,butshe’snotregisteringit.Hereyesflicktothecupinhislefthand.Aringonthefourthfinger.Gold.MaybeheendedupwithSarafromsophomoreyear.Shewouldn’tknow,shedoesn’thavehimonanyofhersocials.Sarahadalwaysbeennicetoher.Theylivedinthesamedorm.Liyahwouldtakethefirstopportunitytobolteverytimetheyspoke,butSarawasstillnicetoher.Doesshestillseehimasababycow?
“Aliyah?”
“What?”
“Iwasaskingifyouendedupdoingthemuseumthing.”
“Oh,um.Yeah.Iworkhere.”Shegulps,tryingtothinkofawayout,buthermindkeepscomingupblank.Herbreathingshallows.
“Well,I’mintownforaconsultingproject,butIextendedmystaytoseesomefriendsfromNorthwestern.DoyourememberLukeandMolly?”
Shenodsvaguely,eyesdartingarounduntiltheylandonDaniel.He’sthankingthebartenderashepicksupherdrink.
“Anyway,maybewecouldgrabadrinkwhileI’mhere.”
Liyah’sjawslackens.Whensheclosesit,sheshakesherheadvigorously.“No,wecouldn’t.”
Hissmugsmileturnsdownward.“You’renotstillupsetaboutfreshmanyear,areyou?Iregrethowweleftthingsafter—”
“Who’sthis?”Danielinterrupts,anunfamiliaredgeinhisvoice.HesetstheIrishcoffeedownonthetalltabletoLiyah’sleft.Shemakesnomovetotouchit.Instead,shefocusesherattentionentirelyonDaniel.It’seasierthatway.HisAdam’sapplebobsasheswallows,amuscleinhisjawtightening.
“I’mJerome.AliyahandIwenttoschooltogether.Wewerequitecloseforatime.”
DaniellooksfromhimtoLiyahandback.Hestraightensslowly,asiftoemphasizeeachinchhehasonJerome.“You’reblockingmyspot.”
Jeromeraiseshisfreehand.“Hey,Iwasjusttryingtomakeplanswithanoldfriend.Ididn’tmeantointrude.”
Oldfriend?Liyahremindsherselftobreathe.Shepressesherpalmsintoherthighs.Daniel’sfistclenches.
“Sheveryclearlydoesnotwanttotalktoyou.Ordidyounothearhersayno?”Liyahwinces.Daniel’sgazerivalsMedusa’s.There’salong,exquisitelyagonizingmomentwherenobodyspeaks.
“IguessI’llbegoingthen,”Jeromesaysatlast.
“Ithinkthat’sagoodidea,”Danielrepliesthroughgrittedteeth.
Evenafterhedisappearsfromhersightline,Liyah’spulseracesandherbreathingdoesn’tregulate.
Danielswoopsdownsohe’sateyelevelandplaceshishandsonhershoulders.“Liyah?”Doessherespond?She’snotsure.Heexaggerateshisinhaleandexhale,soclosethathisbreathfansoverhercheeks.Shefollowshismovements,five,six,seventimesbeforeshecanheartheholidayplaylistoverthethumpingofherheart.“Doyouneedtoleave?”
“I…theparty.We’reonlyhalfwaythrough.Whatif…”She’smumbling,unsuccessfullytryingtohidethequaverinhervoice.
“Fucktheparty,Liyah.Jordan’saroundheresomewhere;I’lltexthimandhecanmakesureeverything’sokay.Doyouneedtoleave?”
“Yeah,”shesays.“Ineedtoleave.”
Henods,reachesoverhertopickupherbag.Shemustputhercoatonandwalkoutside,butshedoesn’treallyrememberdoingso.Itonlyoccurstoherthatshe’sinopenairwhenasnowflakecatchesonhereyelashes.
“CanIhugyou?”Danielasksoncehe’sledherhalfablockaway,toanareawithfewerpassersby.Nosoonerthanthenodofherhead,shefeelsoneofhisarmswraparoundthewaistofherparka,theotherhandstrokingthebackofherhood.“Doyouneedtotalk?”Sheshakesherhead.Talkingisthelastthingshewants.“Letmetakeyouhome?”
“Yes,”shemurmurs,thesoundofhervoicemuffledintoDaniel’sinsulatedchest.
“Okay,”hesays,buthemakesnoefforttomove,justpullshercloser.It’sexactlywhatsheneeds.
LIYAHFUMBLESWITHherkeysatherapartmentdoor.Herhandstremble,butitseemsimportanttoherthatshedothisherself,soDanieldoesn’tinterfere.Forty-fivesecondspassbeforesheturnsthelock.
Inside,DanieltakesLiyah’scoatbeforeremovinghisown.Herfaceisstillcompletelyblank.Theyrodehomeintotalsilence,thehandhedidn’thaveclaspedaroundLiyah’smittenfistedinhispocket,fingernailsdiggingintohispalms.Sheundoesherbootsandwanderstothecouch,whereshecurlsup,kneestochest,armswrappedaroundshins,rockingslightlyfromsidetoside.
Whatdoyouevensayinthissituation?“Areyoualright?”wouldbeaprofoundlystupidquestion.HewisheshecouldcallKayla,butgettinganythingusefulwouldrequiredivulgingmorethanLiyah’sexplicitlypermitted.Hesitsdownonthesofaafootawayfromher,notsureifshewantsspace.Afteramoment,shepitchessideways,landingherheadinDaniel’slap.Herunshisfingersupanddownherarm.
“Wannawatchamovie?”
Hercheekbrushesagainsthisthighasshenods.“10ThingsIHateAboutYou,please.”
Hescrollsafewstreamingapplicationsandtossestheremoteonthecoffeetableastheopeningcreditsdanceacrossthescreen.
Halfwaythrough,shereachesfortheclickerandhitspause.“Daniel?”
“Yes?”
“I’mnotweak.Idon’twantyoutothinkI’mweak.”
Howcouldthatbethetakeawayfromtoday?Healmostlaughs.“That’snotatallwhatIthink.”
Sheswallows,andherlipspartwithadeepexhale.“I’mgladyou’rehere,butIwouldbeokayifyouweren’t.”
Danielnods.Hedoesn’tdoubtit.Theproblemliesinthecostofthatokay-ness.“You’reallowednottobe,though.”
Thetearscomequietly,andDaniel’sgentlyswipingthumbsturngraywithmascara.“He’smarried,”shewhispers.Thehorrorinhervoicechurnshisstomach.Danielhasneverthrownapunchinhislife,butpartofhimregretslettingthatguywalkawaywithoutafewbruises.“I’mgettingupsetaboutthisadecadelater.Ihaven’t—Ihaven’tdatedanybody.Imean,anybody.Because,youknow,hetoldmehelikedme,during…”Shepauses,andDanielwinces.“Imean,Ilearnedmylesson.Peopledon’treallylikeme.Theywantsomethingfromme.Iwastooafraidtoevensleepwithanotherfriend.Andhe’smarried?He’sfuckingmarried.”
Theinjusticeslicesdeeply,andhewisheshecouldhelpshoulderherpain.There’samemoryinhisbodyofsomethinglikethisfromwhenKaylatoldhimallthoseyearsago.Sadness,helplessness,anger.Theinabilitytoprovideanythingsufficient.Heblinksawaytears.“I’msosorry,Liyah,”istheonlythinghecancomeupwith.HethinksnowaboutstandingoutsideWindyCityWineandCheese,hersayingit’sallthesame—washisfailuretodefendheratsummercamponemoredatapointtoproveherhypothesis?Danielmightnothavebeentheworst,butwashethefirstpersontoshowherthatpeoplewilltakewhattheywantfromherandleave?Thedepthofherangertowardhimwhentheyfirstreconnectedmakessensenow,andinthismoment,hehateshimself.
Shesitsupandclimbsintohislap,wrappingherselfaroundhimlikeakoala.Hesqueezeshertightlyandshesighsintohisneck.Liyah’stallerthanaverage—plus,thesizeofherpersonalityprobablyaddsanotherfewinches—butrightnowhe’skeenlyawareofhowmuchsmallerthanhimsheis.HowmuchsmallerthanJeromesheis.
Hewantstopunchthroughawall.Orvomit.Neitherwilldoheranygood.
“I’mkindahungry,”Liyahmumblesintohisshoulder.
“Doyouwantmetoorderapizza?”
“Sure.ButIdon’twantyoutomove.”
“Myphone’soverthereinmycoat.”
“Mine’sinmybackpocket.”
“Fairenough.”Danielchucklesandfeelsaroundforthebrickofglassandmetal,carefulnottolethisfingerslinger.“Mushroomandspinach,right?”
Thefoodcomesasthey’reswitchingfromthemovietooldepisodesofTheGoodPlace.Liyahwordlesslygetsupandheadstothekitchen,risinguptopulldowntwowineglassesasDanielgathersplatesandpapertowels.Shepoursgenerouslyandbringstheentirebottletothecouch.
Herglassisemptybeforetheendofthefirstepisode,despitemostofherpizzasliceremaining.Shereachesforanother.Daniel’snotsureifheshouldintervene.Ifthisiswhatsheneedsinthemoment,hecanletitgo.So,hesitswithhisarmrestingacrosshershouldersandwatchestheshow.
Attheendofthethirdepisode,thebottle’scompletelygone,despiteDaniel’sglassneverbeingrefilled.
Attheendofthefourth,Liyah’shand,whichhadbeenrestingonDaniel’sthigh,trailsuptowherehislegmeetshispelvisandgivesagentlesqueeze.Inresponse,Danielrubshisthumbacrossherupperarm.Hehopesshecanfindcomfortinhistouch.
Butherfingersrunhigherandhigheruntilshe’sswiftlyunbuttoninghispantsandslippingherhandintohisunderwear.
“Liyah,”hesaysinwhat’smeanttobeawarningtone,buthegoesbreathlessasshepalmshim.Witheveryounceofhisavailablewill,hegrabsherbythewristandremovesherhandfromhiswaistband.“Wecan’t.”
Sheyanksherhandoutofhisgripandscootsawayfromhimonthecouch,foldingherarmsacrossherchest.“Whynot?”
Whenhegoestotouchherleg,shepullsbackfarther.Okay,notouching.Hesitsonhishandstoavoiddoingsounconsciouslyandinhalesdeeply,makinghisvoicegotender.“You’reupsetrightnow—justifiably—andyou’vehadalotofwine.Itwouldn’tberight.”
Herteethsinksodeeplyintoherbottomlip,heworriesitmightbepainful.“Ormaybeyoudon’twantmeanymore,”shespitsback.
Danielcloseshiseyes,steadyinghisbreath.“No,Liyah.Iwantyou.Iwantyoumoreeverysingleday.I’mjustnotgoingtohavesexwithyourightthismoment.”
“ButIdon’twanttofeellikethisanymore!”Liyahyells,slammingherfistsintothecouchcushions.Ananguishednoisecomesfromthebackofherthroat,andshehidesherfaceinherhands.“Anythingelse.Ijustwanttofeelanythingelse.”
SomethingsnapsinsideDaniel’schest.Hestands,onlytogosquatinfrontofher.Slowly,heoffersherhishands.Ashisheartthundersinhisribcage,shedropsherarmsandgingerlylacesherfingersthroughhis.“Iwanttohelp,inanywayIcan.Butnotby…notlikethat,nottonight.”Hetiltsherchinupwardtorunhisthumbacrossherbottomlip,anditcomesawaybloody.“Liyah,canyouletmeholdyou?Iunderstandifnot.Butjust,please?”
Shenods,andhegathersherinhisarms,pullingheruptostanding.Heholdsherclosetohim,relievedthatshecan’tseehistearsfromwhereherfaceispressedintohissternum.Asminutespass,thechestofhissweaterdampensagainsthim,andherwholebodyshakes.
Eventually,shestills.“Canwebenakedinstead?”shemumbles.“Notforsex,Ipromise.Ijustwanttofeelyourskinonmine.”
“Yeah,okay.Butpleaseforgivemeifmybody,youknow,reacts.”
Shestepsback,wipingathereyesassheletsoutashortlaugh.“Ithoughtyouwereadvocatingagainstsex.”
Danielsmiles.“Mymindisintherightplace,butIcan’talwaysdirectmybloodflowaccordingly.”EspeciallynotwhereLiyah’sbodyisconcerned.Sometimesitfeelslikeshejustlooksathimandbam!therehegoes.
“Okay,I’llignoreanybluntobjectsthatpokeatme,youhavemyword.”
LIYAHHASCRIEDatotalofthreetimesinthepastsixmonths.AllinfrontofDaniel.Twoofthemtoday.Neenhasalwaysbeenacrier;theysayit’sareliefwhenthetearsfinallycome,butLiyahhasneverfullyunderstoodit.Shedoesn’tfeelrelief,onlyhollownessandexhaustion.
WhenLiyahreturnsfromthebathroom,havingwashedthemessofsmearedeyelinerandmascarafromherface,Danieliswaitingforherunderthecovers.Hisclothesarefoldedinapilenexttothebed.
Herbodythrumswithnervesasshepullshersweateroverherhead.Itdoesn’tmakesensetofeelsoself-conscious.She’sundressedinfrontofhimregularlyforacoupleweeksnow,andyetshefindsherselfturningawayasshepeelsoffherjeansandunhooksherbra.
Sheclimbsintothebedasquicklyasshecan,pullingthesheetsandcomforteruptohernose.Ishegoingtoreachouttoherfirst?Mostdays,shewouldguessyes.Today,probablynot.
He’swatchingherintently,andthenhedoesthatthingwherehistongueswipessobrieflyoverhisbottomlip,andthewholepicturesendsashiverdownherspine.Doesheknowhedoesitsooften?OrisitintheblindpaneofhisJohariwindow?Shehopesso.Itmakesherfeelspecialtonoticesomethingthatmightbeasecretfromhimself.
God,Ican’tbelieveIaskedhimtoholdmenaked.Herfaceheats.That’ssofuckingweird.MaybeIshouldn’thavehadallthewine.Shenuzzlesfartherunderthecovers.
Buthe’shere,isn’the?Waitingforme.DanielRosenberg,whoupuntilsixmonthsagomighthavebeentheverylastpersonshewouldhaveimaginedcouldcomfortherthroughthis.Sheprobablywouldn’tbelieveitnowifheweren’trightinfrontofher.
Butheis.Readytogiveherwhateversheneeds.So,sheinchesforward.Hesitantlyatfirst,butthenthecornersofDaniel’slipsturnupward(onemorethantheother,asalways),andshecrossestherestofthedistance.
Ahhh.
“Sowarm,”Liyahwhispersintohisear.Shedrapesherlegacrosshishipbywayofpullinghimcloser.“Yousmellgood,too.”Aspromised,theerectiongrowingagainstherstomachgoesunmentioned.
“Sodoyou.”Danielunclaspshishandsatherlowerbacksothathecanuseonetotracethesideofherbodyfromhershouldertoherknee.Theskinhetouchespinchesintogoosebumps;hesmoothsoverhisreversedroutewithsoft,calminggrips.“Youalwayssmellgood.Likelavender-flavoredchocolate.”
Awarmthspreadsbehindherribsfromsurprise,amusement,somethingelse.“It’scocoabutterlotionandlavender-scentedconditioner.”
“ThesecretLiyahrecipehasfinallybeenexposed!”
Liyahgiggles.“It’snotasecret.Iwould’vetoldyouifyouasked.”
“Okay,then.”Heleanshisheadbacktolookherintheeye,keepingtherestoftheirbodiesincontactasmuchaspossible.“Whatelsedoyousmelllike?”
“Mydeodorantissupposedtosmelllikealoe,butreallyIgotitbecauseitdoesn’tsmelllikemuchatall.Idon’twearperfume.Therestisjustme,Iguess.”
Danielhums.“Well,thejustyoubitsmellsgood.”
Liyahcloseshereyes,lettingthecoolsmoothnessofherpillowcaseandtheheatofDaniel’shandonherlowerbackconsumeher.“YousmelllikeOldSpiceFiji.”
“YouknowOldSpicescentsthatwell?”
Herlefteyeopensfirst,thenherright.Thesmileonhisfacelooksexactlylikeitsoundedinhisvoice.She’ssmiling,too.Adelirious,cheek-splittinggrin.“Nope,yourdeodorantisonyourbathroomcounter.”
“That’scheating.”
“Maybe.It’snotonlythedeodorant,though.Yourjustyoubitsmellsgood,too.”Shewantstoleaninandgetagoodsniff,butthatwouldbetoomuch,wouldn’tit?They’refriends.Instead,shewigglesherhips,tryingtogetevencloser.Danieltightenshisholdonherthigh.“Thisisaweirdconversation.Ishouldn’tbetrustedwiththatmuchwine.”
Heshrugs.“Weirdisrelative.I’mquiteenjoyingmyself,actually.”
“Metoo.Ifeel…safe,Iguess.”
Danielsqueezeshiseyesshut,thenpresseshislipstoLiyah’stemple.“YouhavenoideahowgladIamtohearthat.”CHAPTER21
THEthingaboutwakingupnexttoLiyah:it’sthebestwaytowakeup.Usually,herhairiswrapped—severalcurlshavingfoughttheirwayoutfromtheperimeterofthesilkscarf—butthismorning,hermassofhairspillsoverherpillowandticklesDaniel’sthroat.She’salwaystuckedintohimlikeshewasmadetofitthere,herhandsgrippingtightlyonhisforearm,holdinghisembracearoundherstomach.Asheslowlyregainsconsciousness,heinhalestherichcocoa-lavendersmellofherandfeelsalovelywarmthinhischest.
AnotherthingaboutwakingupnexttoLiyah:itproveshe’sabsolutely,positively,undeniablydonefor.
That’snotsomethinghecouldbringuprightnow,though.Notafteryesterday.Soinstead,hesplayshisfingersacrossherbelly,pressinghermorefirmlyagainsthisfrontasshestirs.
“G’morning,”hewhispersintoherneck,hopinghissandpaperyvoiceisn’ttoounpleasant.
“Morning,”Liyahreplieswithayawn.TheextraraspinherwordsmakesDaniel’sstomachdoaflip.Ifthere’sevenalickofreciprocation,thenshemustnotmindhismorningvoiceatall.Notonebit.“OhGod,”shesaysasifshe’sjustnowremembering,andherbodygoesrigid.
“Nope.”
Sherollsovertofacehim.“Nopewhat?”
“Nope,you’vegotnothingtobeembarrassedabout.Youcantalktome,oryoucantakealltheimaginaryfor-use-at-a-later-datetokensintheworldandwecanhavebreakfast.”
“Breakfastsoundsgood.”
“Andcoffee,ofcourse.”
Liyahmoans—asoundhe’llnevergetusedto,inthebestway—andleansforwardtokisshimonthenose.
Danielscrunchestheskinherlipstouched.“Whatwasthatfor?”
“It’slikeyouweremadeinalab.Toogood,Idon’ttrustit.”
“Howdoyoumean?”He’sfishing,sure,butthey’reintheveryshort-livedMorningLiyahStage1wheresheissleepy,slow-speaking,andagreeable—acombinationthatexistsatnoothertimeofday—andhecan’tresist.
Shehums.“IjustfeellikeIdon’thavetoexplainmyselftoyou.Lotsofsharedlivedexperience,sure,butit’salsoyourinstincts,orsomething.I’llbefreakingoutandyou’llremaincompletelycool,andyoudon’tmakemefeeljudged.Complementarycolors.You’reareallygoodfriend.”
Shehadhimuntiltheend,there.Danielgulps.Goodfriend.Itshouldn’tsting;heagreedtothesetermsinDecember.
“Yourmouthandyourdickdon’thurt,either,”shesays.
Insteadofdwellingonhisdisappointment,DanielkissestheslowsmilethatspreadsacrossLiyah’slips.“Isthatso?”heasks,movingtosinkhisteethintotheskinabovehercollarbone,earningagasp.Hetrailshisfingersupherstomachtocupherbreastinthewayheknowsshelikes,brushinghisthumbeversogentlyoverhernipplebeforepinchingitbetweenhisindexandmiddlefingers
Liyahsighs.“Andyourhands.HowcouldIforgetyourhands?Pleasegivethemmyapologies.”Andthenshegiggles.
Hisheartswells.Perfect.
Notthefeelofherbreastunderhisfingers,nothernakedbodyagainsthis.Thatfuckinglaugh.
Completely.Done.For.
“Comeon.”Hepressesakisstothemolesonhercheekbeforesittingupandswinginghislegsoverthesideofthebed.“Let’sgetsomefoodandcaffeineinyoubeforeMorningLiyahStage2hits.”
“Ihateyou.”
“No,youdon’t,youthinkI’msogoodImust’vebeenmadeinalab.”
“Iregretsayingthatalready.”
Danielshakeshisheadandcluckshistongue.“Notakesie-backsies.”Aneyerollinsteadofachuckle;Stage2isapproachingmorequicklythanhethought.
“God,theparty,”shesays.WhenDaniellooks,heseesthatshe’sstaringdownatherphone.“Thesign-uprateislowerthanexpected.”
“It’llbeokay,Liyah.Westillhavethewinenight.”
“Youcan’tknowthat.”
“You’reright,”Danielsays.“Ican’t.Itmightnotwork,butwejusthavetoruntheeventsandhopeforthebest.”
They’resolidlyinStage2,soshedoesn’tadmitthathe’sright.Instead,shegroans,dramaticallyslidingoutofbedandpuddlingonthefloorasifshe’sgonebonelessovernight.
LIYAHSITSCROSS-LEGGEDonthecouch,wringingherhands.It’sbeenapointofpride(thoughprobablyshouldn’tbe)thatshe’sdonewellwithquarterlyappointmentsforthepasttwoyears.Shehadn’thesitatedonSundayafternoonwhenshepickedupthephoneandaskedforanemergencysession,butnow,sittinginthisfamiliaroffice,shecan’thelpbutfeellikeshe’sfailedbybeinghereagainafteronlyafewweeks.
“I’msorry,I’mworkinguptoit,”shesaysbywayofexplainingherextendedquiet.
Hertherapist,Maria,holdsupherhand,afewgoldbraceletsslidingdownherarm.“Noneedtoapologize,takeaslongasyouwant.”
Aslongasshewantsturnsouttobethetimeittakestobeginandabandonfivedifferentsentencesandfallintosecondsofthoroughlyembarrassedsilence.
“DoyourememberwhyIfirstcametoyou?”Mariagivesanencouragingnod.“Iranintohim.Atmymuseum—um,notmine,butlike,itwasattheholidaypartythatDanielandIthrew.Anyway,heshowedupandwastryingtotalktomeandIpanicked.Soembarrassing,likeit’stenyearsnow?Hehadaweddingring.Hewantedtogetdrinks.Canyoubelievethat?Drinks?”
Mariashakesherhead.Liyah’sbeenseeingherlongenoughtoknowthatshe’snotgoingtospeakuntilsheneedstocorrectLiyahorshe’ssureLiyah’sdone,sosheblazesonward.
“I’mprobablynotmakingalotofsense.Buthe—Jerome”—thecornersofherlipsturndown;thenamestillleavesabittertasteinhermouth—“Jeromewassayinghe‘regrettedhowweleftthings.’Like,whatthefuck?Imean,Iknowwhatthefuck.HethinksIendedourfriendshipbecauseI‘regret’”—sheinsertsairquotesforemphasis—“sleepingwithhim.Which,like,Idohaveregrets.Namely,gettingdrunkaroundhim.”
“Youknowthis,Liyah,butIfeelcompelledtoremindyouherethatitwasn’tyourfault.”
Liyahnods.“Yeah,yeah.Iknowallthat.It’s—rememberwhenItoldyouabouthimcorneringmeinthelibrary?AndhewasgoingonabouthowhewantedtoknowifIfeltbadlyaboutitoriftherewassomething‘fuckedup’aboutwhathappened,andIbeggedhimtoleavemealone?Iwasn’treadytoadmittomyselfwhatitwasatthatpoint,andIcan’teventotallyremembertheconversation.Idon’tknowwhatIsaid.MaybeItoldhimitwasallaboveboardandhehadnothingtoworryabout,justtogethimoffmyback.”
“Sometimeswesaythingswedon’tmeantoprotectourselves.That’sokay,especiallyinthosecircumstances.”
“Yeah,youtoldmesoyearsago.ButIcan’thelpbutthinkheknew.Likeheknewwhathedidtome,andI’mtheonewhoexcusedit.Andsonowhebelieveshecancomeuptomeandasktohangoutwhilehe’sintown.Whydidn’tItellhimtofuckoff?Idon’tusuallyhaveaproblemdoingthat.Youknowwhat’sthereallycrazypart?Whatreallygetsme?”Liyahpausestocatchherbreath.Shelooksdown,andpicksatahangnailuntilitbleeds.
“What’sthat?”
“IfyouaskedmehowIwouldreacttoseeinghimagain,Iwouldhavebeenworriedabouthavingflashbackstothatnight,orthenextmorning.ButIcan’tstopthinkingaboutthatconversationinthelibrary.That’swhat’sbeenhauntingme.Thatfeelingofbeingtrappedbymyselfatthecornertable,tryingtospeakinhushedtones,havingnoideahowIwasgonnagetoutofthere.”
Marianodsherheadslowly.“I’msosorrythathappenedtoyou.”Liyahwondersiftheyteachthatsoothingvoiceincounselingprogramsorifit’sanaturaltalentrequiredtogetintothefield.“IsthathowyoufeltwhenyousawhimthisSaturday?”
“Yes.”Liyahrakesherteethoverherbottomlipassheconsidersit.“Butonlyatfirst.Danielwasinlineatthebarwhenhecameup,andthenhecameback.Itfeltdifferentthen.”
“Likeyouhadsomeoneinyourcorner?”
“Yeah,likethat.Hewassopatientwithme,eventhough…”Liyahtrailsoff.Theyearsofrapportshe’sbuiltwithMariadon’tsavehertheshameofwhatshe’sabouttoadmit.“EvenwhenIdrankmostofabottleofwineandtriedtoinitiatesex,andthengotmadatmyselfwhenhesaidno,andthenaskedhimtocuddlemesoIcouldfeelbetter.”Shecringes,hearingitaloud.Itfeelslikesucharegression.
“Youseemupsetwithyourself.”
“Disappointed.Aren’tyoudisappointedinme?”
Maria’sbrowsknittogether.“WhywouldIbedisappointedinyou?”
“Becausethisiswhatweworkedon!HereIwasthinkingI’mdoingbetter,andI’mjustasbadasI’vealwaysbeen.”
ThecornersofMaria’seyescrinkleasshegrins.Liyahfoldsherarmsoverherchest.“Okay,let’scheckthefacts:youhadanunexpectedrun-inwithsomeonewhocausedyouagreatdealoftrauma,yes?”Liyahnods.“Youreachedfirstforanunhealthycopingmechanismyou’vereliedonbefore,yes?”Liyahnods.“Butultimately,youswitchedcourseandaskedforhelpwhenyouneededit,fromDanielandthenfromme,yes?”
“Yeah,Iguessthat’strue.”
“Doyouthinkthat’showyouwouldhavehandleditwhenyouweretwenty-three?Ormightyouhavestuckwiththelesshealthyoption?”
Liyahsnorts.“IprobablywouldbetellingyouaboutthefourdifferentpeopleIsleptwiththatweekend,twoofwhomIwasn’tthatattractedto.”
“Exactly.Yourrecoveryisn’taboutyousuddenlybeingperfect;it’saboutyougettingbetteratmakingthesedifficultchoices.”
Liyahchewsthisover,thenlaughs.“God,that’sgood.Everconsiderbecomingatherapist?”CHAPTER22
“YES,deadlyserious,”Liyahsaysaroundamouthfulofmapotofu.
“She’stheManisyourfavoritemovieofalltime?”Danielclarifiesyetagain,puttingdownhisbowlofGeneralTso’schickensohecangiveherafullviewofhisdulyincredulousexpression.Herfacerevealsnothing,butpartofhimfeelsasthoughshe’spullinghisleg.
“Itwouldbeoneofyourfavoritefilms,too,ifyouhadanytaste.”
“IfIhadanytaste?”
Shenarrowshereyes.“Yes.It’sliterallyShakespeare.”
“It’salsomid-2000sAmandaBynes.”
“Ithoughtyouweretakingthenegativeargument?Ifyouwantmetodebateagainstitsmerits,I’mgonnaneedtoreviewmynotes.”
Danielshakeshisheadandliftshisbeerbottletohislips,takingagenerousswig.“Nope,stillverymuchanti.”
Liyahshiftsonthecouchsothatshe’sfacingDanielandcrossesherlegs,kneesbumpingagainstthesideofhisthigh.Hishandunconsciouslyfallstosettleonherankle,thumbstrokingtheonlybareskinitcanaccess.They’vebeendoingthis—whateverthisis—forafewweeksnow,buthisfingertipshaveyettogettheirfill.Liyahneverseemstomind.
“Daniel.You’remissingthepoint.It’sthefactthatitisShakespeareandAmandaBynesthatmakesitsospecial.Therewasone,like,ten-yearperiodwhereHollywooddecidedtheworldneededmodernAmericanteenremakesofBritishclassicliterature.Andyouknowwhat?Theywereabsolutelyfuckingright!”
“Ihadnoideayoufeltsostronglyaboutthis.”Danielsmiles.Shefeelsthisstronglyabouteverything,andhe’sonlyreallysayingittogetariseoutofher.
Sheholdsupahandandbeginstickingoffherfingers.“Clueless—Emma.10ThingsIHateAboutYou—TheTamingoftheShrewMeanGirls—JuliusCaesar.She’stheMan—TwelfthNight.Allabsolutebangers.Thetrendsortoffizzled—althoughFireIslandisofficiallythebestversionofPrideandPrejudice,soI’mkeepingallmyfingersandtoescrossedthatit’llkickoffadecadeofadultqueerretellings.”
“Okay,okay,fine.”HerubshisfreehandalonghisjawanddoesnotmisshowLiyah’seyesbrieflydrifttofollowalong.“Itjustseemslikefavoriteeverisastretch.”Sheglares.Danielretraceshissteps.“Youworkinamuseum!Ithoughtyourfavoritewouldbesomethingalittlemore…Idon’tknow.Acclaimed?IexpectedyoutoinsistonsomethingfromBarryJenkinsorAaronSorkin.”
Liyahscoffs,pokinghiminthechest.“That’sbecauseyou’vebeenbrainwashedbymassmediaintobelievingintellectualwomenmustrejecttraditionallyfeminineinterests!”Shefiresback,barelystoppingtobreathe.“BecauseGodforbidateenagegirllikesamovieabouta—gasp—teenagegirl.Thesemoviesgotmethroughmiddleschoolandhighschool.”
“Howisityounevermentionedthesetomeatcamp,then?”
“WouldyouevenrememberifIhad?”sheasks,oneeyebrowraised.Hetakesanotherswigofhisbeersohedoesn’thavetolookatherashenods.“Well,asapreteen,‘I’mnotlikeothergirls’reallyhadmeinachokehold.ButIhavesincerealizedthatmyshamewasaconstructofthepatriarchy.IfyouwantedtohangoutwithsomeonewhojerksofftoMartinScorsese,youshould’veaskedoneofyournon-Jordancoworkers.”
Danielwantstokissher.It’llpissheroff,though,sohesettlesforglancingatthedeepgrooveofhercupid’sbowandlettinghislipsslideintoaneasysmile.“Ididn’tknowIregisteredforFeministReadingofPopularMediathissemester,butIcan’tsayI’mdisappointed.”
“Itcomesfree,likethesideofrice.”Sheleansacrosshim—brushingagainsthischestmuchmorethanisstrictlynecessary—toscoopmorericeandtofuontoherplate.“Haveyoueverevenseenthemovie?”
Danielshrugs.“WithKayla,maybe?Itwould’vebeenforeverago.”
“Andyou’rejudgingalready.”Liyahsucksherteethdisapprovingly.“Nowwehavetowatch.”
Daniellaughs,nolongerabletoresisttheurgetowraphisarmaroundtothesmallofherback.Insteadofloweringhislipstohers,heveersleftandletsthembrushagainstherneckjustbelowherear.Liyahshivers,thesamewayshedidthelasttimehisbreathtouchedthispieceofskin,andthetimebeforethat.“IneversaidIdidn’twanttowatchit.”
“Could’vefooledme,”shesays,voiceatouchrougherthanusual.Hegrinsintoherneck,andshepusheshimflushagainstthesofacushionandswingsherlegoversoshe’sstraddlinghislap.Hetrailshishandsupherthighsandunderhersweateruntilhegetstothesoftskinofherribcage.Shesighsandleansintothetouch,herhipsrockingforward,elicitingasharpinhalefromDaniel.NosesbrushasLiyahdipsherheaddownward.“You’resoeasy.”Shelaughssoftly.“Youreyeshavegonedarkalready.”
“I’mhalf-hardandit’smyeyesthatclueyouin?”Heleansin,butshetiltsherheadbackatthelastmoment,evadinghiskiss.Shecradleshisjawinherhand,gentlyanglinghisfacesoshecanexamineeachiris.
“They’reusuallythisdeepchocolatebrown,kindagoldeninthelight.It’sthecolorofabeerbottle.”Sheclockshisraisedbrows.“Inagoodway,Ipromise.Rightnow,yourpupilshavedilatedsomuchthey’remostlyblack.”Sheunbuttonshisshirtasshespeaks,spreadingthefabricasidetotracetheplanesofhistorso.Theoutlineofhistattooisusuallywhereshestarts,andtodayisnodifferent.
“Nofair.Youreyesarealwayspitch-black.Theynevergiveawaytheirsecrets.”
Shepullshersweateroverherhead,someofhermussedcurlsshieldinghereyesfromviewastheyfall,therestlandingagainstherbareshoulders.“MaybeI’malwaysturnedon,”shewhispersmischievously,brushingherhairawayfromherface.“Ornever.”
“Never?”Hisfingerscreepupfromherribs,pullingthelacecupofherbraasideanddrawingcirclesaroundheralreadypinchednipple.Asinglebrushofhisthumbandittightensfurther.
Herteethsinkdeeplyintoherbottomlip,andsheshrugs,feigningnonchalance.“Maybe.”Hedrawsherbreastintohismouth,andherbreathhitches.Shedoesn’tgiveinyet.Herfingersfindthebuttonofhisjeansandthenshe’sunzippingandslidingherhandintohisboxerbriefs.Hebitesintohershouldertoavoidgroaning.
Holdingout,pretendingtobeunaffecteduntiloneofthemcan’ttakeitanymore,isDaniel’snewfavoritegame.Liyahisaformidableoffensiveplayer—shecangethimsowoundupthathethinkshemightdieifhedoesn’tgetinsideofher—butshelacksthenecessaryself-controltoplaydefense.It’salwaysaphotofinish,buthewinseverysingletime.
Andthat’sthefunofit,findingthatonelasttouchthatwillforcehervocalcordstovibrateagainstoneanother.Usuallyawhimper,butoncehegotadelicious,strangledgroan.Thenthedambreaks.
Liyah’splayingthebestgameofherlife.They’rebothcompletelynakedbeforeshemakesasinglesound,andDanielhasletoutabreaththatisdangerouslyclosetoamoanonetoomanytimes.Surprisingly,hefindstoday’spressurepointsinratherinnocuouslocations:oneofhishandsatthesmallofherback,theotheronthesideofherface,hislipspressingachastekisstohercollarbone.
Herdefeatcomeswithasoft,lowwhinefollowedquicklybyahissed“fuckyou”andagrindofherhipsthatwouldhavecostDanielhiswinhaditcometensecondsearlier.
“Gladly,”heresponds,gatheringherinhisarmssohecanlayheragainsttheemeraldvelvetofhercouch,knockingoffoneofLauraorLara’sexcellentthrowpillowsintheprocess.
“ThankGod,”shesays.“Thosethingsbelongonthefloor.”Sheinterruptshislaughterwitharoughkiss.Withgreateffort,hepullsbacksothathecancrawldownhertorso,fillinghismouthwithhereverywherehewantstodoso.
Anuntoldnumberofminuteslater,whenhe’slostinher,handsaidinginthehypnoticmotionofherhips,uprightchestspressedtogether,heavybreathsmingling,he’shitwithastartlingthought:Ilovethiswomansomuch.
It’samistake,drawnoutbythefeelingofheraroundhimandabovehim.Ilovehavingsexwiththiswomansomuch,itshouldhavebeen.Ormaybelike.Hemeanttothinklike
Liyahstillsandleansbacktosurveilhisface.“Iseverythingokay?”
Danielsmiles.“I’mgreat,actually.”Hekissesthemolesonhercheekbone.“JustthinkingabouthowluckyIamtobehererightnow.”
“Daniel.Youcan’tsaythat.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseitmakesmewantto…”Shetrailsoff,pouting.“Idon’tknow!Youjustcan’t.You’reso…”Shehuffs.Thewayhernosecrinklesandhereyessqueezeshuttellshimthatwhateverhe’sso…isagoodthing.
Hissmilegiveswaytoagrin.“Sorry.”
“Youshouldbe,”Liyahsaysbeforeusingaparticularlyluxuriousrollofherhipstocoaxouttwinmoans.
THEYWATCHTHEmoviecompletelynaked,LiyahdrapedoverDaniel’sbody,hercheekpressedtohissternum.Halfanhourpassesbeforesherealizesthathe’sthefirstshe’sdonethiswith,hadsomuchskinonskinwhenit’snotapreludetosex(atleastnotimmediately;shehasn’twrittenoffalate-nightroundtwo).She’shadexactlyonerelationship,andsheandSpencerhadbeennervoussixteen-year-oldswhocouldn’tgetbeyondhalf-clothedfumbling.Anybodyelse,shewould’veeitherfeltself-consciousoraltogetherdisinterested.NotwithDaniel.
Besides,Danielsmellswonderfullyearthy,andfromthisvantagepointshecanfeelhiswarmchestshakewithlaughterandthusfindnewwaystosayItoldyouso.
“Youknow,thisisthefirstFridaynightwithoutSSCsinceAugust.Exceptthesnowstorm,”shemarvelsaloud.
Danielmm-hmms,andshefeelsitagainstthewholeleftsideofherface.“Yeah.I’mgladyou’restillhere,though.ChinesefoodandamovieonChristmaswouldbemuchlessfunbymyself.”
Shelaughs.“You’llbeeatingyourwordsatfivetomorrowmorningwhenyou’redrivingmetotheairport.”
“Ishouldnothaveagreedtothat.”
“Hey!”Liyahsays,tiltingherfacesoshecanlookDanielintheeyes.“Youcan’tbackoutnow.”
“Iwouldn’tdare.”Hekissesherforehead,andsherollshereyes,earningashortchuckle.“Whythismovie?”
“You’remissingthecarnivalscene!”
Danielfeelsaroundthecoffeetablefortheclickerandhitspause.“Ofalltheonesyoulisted,whyisShe’stheManyourfavorite?”
“It’sembarrassing.You’regonnathinkI’mdumb.”
Hecockshisheadtotheside,givingheranunimpressedlook.“Liyah,comeon.”
“Fine,”shesays,turningsohercheekrestsagainsthischest.She’snotavoidingeyecontact,she’ssimplyenticedbythefreeze-frameofAmandaBynesremovingherwigandsideburnsinaTilt-A-Whirl.“NeenandIusedtowatchitalot.Like,objectively,it’sanextremelystraightmovie.Butifyousquintjustright,it’sabisexualguyfallinginlovewithsomeonewho’sgender-fluid.Wewereobsessedbeforeweevenknewwhy.Youtakewhatyoucanget,Iguess.”Fingersrunupanddownherspineasshespeaks,drawingoutmorewordsthansheintends.Shefeelshermusclestenseinvoluntarily.
“Damn,we’vegottentoqueeranalysisandit’sonlythefirstsemester!NowonderI’mhotforprofessor,”Danieljokes,andherbodyrelaxes.
“Canwefinishthemovienow?”
“Thankyouforsharingthiswithme,Liyah,”hesays,theearnestnessinhisvoicemakingherstomachflip,thenpressesplaybeforeshehasachancetorespond.CHAPTER23
DANIEL’ShandrestsonLiyah’sthighastheycruisedowntheKennedyExpressway,mostlyemptyatthishour.Herfingers,peekingoutofherpuffywintercoat,gripathermosfullofcoffeefromwhichshetakesperiodicsips.Danielisjealous;hehadtochughiscupbeforetheyhittheroad.
Shesighsintoherdarkroast,andhesneaksalookather.Herhairisbraidedintofourlargecornrows—hehelpedhermakesurethepartsatthebackofherheadwerestraightlastnight—sohecantakeinherentiresideprofileatonce.Asbeautifulasherhairiswhenshewearsitout,framingherfaceinmassesofcurls,helovesitlikethis,too.Pulledback,herfeaturesunobstructed.
Liyah’seyesmeetDaniel’s.Heswallows.“Areyourheadphonescharged?”
“Yes,Idouble-checked,”shereplies,voiceviscousandtired.“Ineedthemtowardoffchattyseatmates.”
“Sothatyouwon’taccusethemofahatecrime?”
Shebreathesoutaquietlaughthroughhernose.“Ijustdon’thavetimeinmyschedule.ThelasttimeIimpliedthecuteguynexttomemight’vesaidsomethingignorant,sixmonthsflewby,andIstillhaven’tgottenridofhim.”
Danielcracksasmile.“So,youthoughtIwascute?”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Gladthat’syourtakeaway.”
ThedepartureslanearrivesfasterthanDanielexpects.Oncepulledover,hehitshishazardsandunbuckleshisseatbelt.HeknowshowLiyahfeelsaboutkissinginpublic—very,veryagainstit—buttheshortdaylighthoursthistimeofyearhavegivenhimthecoverofdarkness.Andtechnically,hiscarisprivateproperty.
Asheleansacrossthecenterconsole,Liyahdoesthesame.Liyahrakesthroughthehairatthebackofhisheadwhiletheykiss,assheoftendoes,andDaniel’shandfindsthespotwhereherneckmeetsherjaw.
Liyahgentlynipsathisbottomlipbywayofparting,grinningasshescramblesoutofthecar,racinghimtothetrunk.Shepullsouthersuitcaseandshutsthehoodvictoriously.“Ha!Beatyou.”
Danielclutcheshischest.“Youwoundme.”
“You’dbettergetbackinbeforethelinemonitoryellsatyou.”
“Willdo.Textmewhenyouland?”
“Surething,”Liyahcalls,alreadywheelingherluggagetowardtheentrance,walkingbackwardsothatshestillfacesDaniel.“Seeyounextyear,Rosenberg!”
“Untilthen,Cohen-Jackson!”
I’llmissyou,hewantstosay,buthebiteshistongueandclimbsbackintohiscar.
JACKIECOHENANDCharlieJacksonwaitontheothersideofSeattle-TacomaAirportsecurity,Liyah’smotherbouncingbackandforthandwavingherhandsaboveherhead,herfatherstandingstillwithhisarmscrossedandawarmsmileonhisface.Twoverydifferentdisplaysofroughlyequivalentexcitement.ThelasttimeshesawthemwaswhentheyvisitedinlateJuly.Onceagain,she’sstruckwiththespecificadultrealizationthathermentalconstructionofherparentsisoutofdate.Therootsofherdad’schest-lengthlocsaremoresaltthanpepper,andhermom,stilllargerthanlifeinhermemories,barelyreachesLiyah’searlobes.
Aftershehugsthembothtightly(grantinghermother’smefirstdemand),herfatherwordlesslytakeshersuitcasefromher.“Avi?”sheinquires.
“Asleep.”Itappearsthatherfatherhasnotbecomemoreverboseinherabsence.
“Youknowhowteenageboysare.Ifhedoesn’tgettenhours,he’satotalnightmare,”hermomtitters.“Unlikeyouatthatage.Youwereanightmareregardless.Worseifyouhadn’teaten.”
“Mom—”
“I’mjustsaying!”ThisisoneofJackie’sfavoritephrases.It’sherversionofputting“nooffense,but”infrontofsomethingincrediblyoffensive.“It’snormalforteenagegirls.Godknowsyourbubbewentthroughworsewithme.Anyway,hiscollegeapplicationsaredueinafewdays,Isaylethimhavehisrest.”
“You’llhelphimwiththose?”
“Yes,Dad.ImighthavetothrowhisChanukahgiftathimsothathe’llgetupfirst,butI’llhelp,promise.”
Hesqueezeshershoulder.“That’smygirl.”
Forty-fiveminuteslater,Liyahfindsheryoungerbrotherfastasleep,lyingdiagonallyacrosshisfull-sizedbed.He’ssleptthiswaysincehewassmall,guaranteeingthatLiyahwouldendupontheflooratleastonceduringeveryfamilyvacation.Nowhe’sapileofgangly,teenagedlimbs,andhisfeetpokeoutfromtheleftcornerofhisduvet.Aspromised,Liyahdropsanartfullywrappedshoebox(abitscuffedfromtravel,buttheeffortisobvious)onthecenterofhischest.
“Ow,whatthefuck?Aliyah.Thathurt.”Avibrushestheboxasideandsitsup,rubbingthespotithit.Hegroansinthatveryteenagedwaywheretheginughisover-enunciated.“You’retheworst.ThisiswhyI’mMomandDad’sfavorite.”
“Aww,Avraham,it’scuteyoustillthinkthat,”Liyahcoosasshebacksoutofthedoorway.“I’llconcedeonMom,butI’vehadDadwrappedaroundmyfingersincebirth.”
“Getoutofmyroom.”
“Bereadyintwentyminutes,orI’llmakeyourideintheback,”Liyahsays,shuttingthedoorwithathunkbehindher.
“Liyah,don’tslamdoors,”hermomcallsfromdownstairs.
Safelyawayfromhermother’sview,sherollshereyesassheyellsanapology.Inheroldbedroom(longscrubbedofmusicposters,Neen’sart,andfartoomanycheetah-printitems),Liyahchangesfromherairplaneuniformofsweatshirtandleggingstoapairofwide-legoverallsandacroppedsweater.WhileAvi’sfillingtheirsharedbathroomwiththesmellofAxebodywashandcompletelyunnecessaryaftershave,sheheadstotheonedownstairstowashherfaceandapplysomemakeup.
Whensheemerges,hermomlooksupandexclaims,“Youlooksocute,honey!”
“Thanks,Mom.”
“Famousearlyhominin,abbreviatedasAr.something.Sevenletters,startswithr?”
Liyahsmiles.It’sbeenawhilesincehermomcalledherwithananthropologicalcrosswordclue,butshealwaysdoesitlikethis,withnocontextorintroduction.“Ardipithecusramidus.R-A-M-I-D-U-S.”
“Oh,it’ssogoodtohaveyouhome.Youreallyshouldvisitmoreoften.WhatkindofexampleareyousettingforAvi?I’llbeanemptynestersoon,andthenI’llhavechildrenIseethreetimesayear.”
Aviappearsbehindtheirmother’sarmchair.He’sbeentallerthanLiyahfortwoyears,buteveryvisit,thefirsttimesheseeshimstandingisunsettling.“I’llmakesuretoseeyoumorethanthat,Mom.”Hebendsdowntogiveherahug,turningtoLiyahandmouthingfavorite.Shewrinkleshernoseandjinglesthecarkeys.
“Sweetkicks,”shesaysassheunlocksthefamilySUV.SheboughtthemonintelfromJordan;apparently,they’reaverysought-aftercolorwayofNikeBlazerMid’77s,andshehadtorefreshherbrowserobsessivelytonabthembeforetheysoldout.Notthatshe’dtellthattoAvi.
Somethingaboutthewayhereplies,“Yeah,they’resick,”makesherthinkheknowsanyway.“CanIDJ?”
“IfyouplayBradPaisleytofuckwithmeagain,I’mdrivingusintooncomingtraffic.”
“We’rehalfwhite,Liyah.Yougottaembraceourculture.”
“Ifullyendorsealllesbiancountrysongsandmurderballadsaboutabusivehusbandsifyouwanttoplaythose.It’stheI-like-guns-and-women-and-beer-and-trucksstuffIcan’tstand.Here.”Shetossesherphoneintohislapandbucklesherseatbelt.“TextNeenandtellthemwe’reonourway.”
Atthecoffeeshop,Avijiggleshislegimpatientlyandswipesfingerfulsofthewhippedcreamatophisdrink.“Willyoutellmewhatyouthinkalready?”
“It’swellwritten,”shesays.“Butitisn’tfunny.”
CuetheinfamousAvipout.“So?”
“You’refunny,”shesays.“Thisisnot.It’skindofboring,actually.”
Hegrumbles,spinninghislaptopsothathecanseethedocument,nowmarredwithLiyah’scommentsandbrightrededits.“IthoughtIhadtobeaseriouspersontogetintocollege.”
Shefoldsherarms.“Yourgradesandvarsitylettersshowyou’reaseriousperson.Youressayshouldshowthatyouhaveapersonality.That’shardforsomepeople,butyoursisn’tawful,soyoushouldbefine.”
“Ugh,Liyah.HowamIsupposedtodothat?”
“Trytellingthestorylikeyouwouldtellme.Wecanedititforprofessionalismlater.”Thebellabovethedoorsounds,alertingLiyahtoNeen’sentrance.
LiyahbarelymakesitoutofherchairintimetocatchNeen’srunninghug.“C-J!”theysay,asifindisbeliefofherpresence,beforepullingbackandofferingtheirear.Liyahbumpsitwithhers.
“Youguysaresofuckingweird,”Avisays.
“Aw,Avi,areweembarrassingyou?”Neencroons,reachingovertopathischeek(ifthey’dgonetoruffletheshortlocsatophislowfade,theymight’velostahand).
“Yes.”
“Good,”Liyahresponds.“Nowgettoworkonthoseedits.”
“Okay,Mom.”
Liyahignoreshimand,spyingacroissantinthepastrydisplaycase,joinsNeeninline.
KAYLA’SBALCONYISsmallbutcozy,litonlybystringlights,andhasabeautifulviewoverlookingthecityskyline.Danielisdrinkingwineinsilencewithhissister,fuzzyblanketsdrapedacrosstheirlegstokeepwarm,whenhisphonescreenflasheswithatext.
Liyah
[imageofballgownmadefromtinsel]MyNewYear’sEvelook.Thoughts?
Daniel
youcan’twearthat
Liyah
Whynot???
Daniel
ialreadyboughtit.youdon’twanttocompetewithmeforwhoworeitbest,i’llwin
whatareyoudoing?houseparty?
Liyah
Nah,NeenandIwillprobablygotoaqueerbarwithadancefloor.You?
Danieldoesn’tactuallyknow;whenKaylainvitedhimtoNewYorkforthelongweekend,hedidn’taskalotofquestions.“Noona,whatarewedoingforNewYear’s?”
HissisterlooksupfromwherehernoseisburiedinaZadieSmithnovelandshrugs.“Wecanalwaysgotoabar,andafewpeopleIknowarehavingaparty.Wecouldevenstayhere.Solongasyoudon’taskmetogotoTimesSquare,theworldisyouroyster.”
“Icouldbedownforanapartmentparty,”hesays.
“Alright.Getreadytomeetatonofthirtysomethingsinboringjobswhodoshitlikemakehomemadepicklesontheside.”
Danielsmirks.“Well,youknow,nowthatyou’reaBrooklynhipster,Iexpectedasmuch.”
Kaylarespondswithanexaggeratedsigh.“Hipot,I’mkettle.Nicetomeetyou.Gobacktotextingyourgirlfriend,Iwanttofinishthischapter.”
Helaughsandreturnstohisphone.
Daniel
kayla’sfriend’sparty.excitedtoseewhat’sinstoreformeafterthirty
Liyah
Letmeknowyourfindings.I’lladdittotheexhibition
Daniel
i’llbesuretotakenotes
DanielfinishestheNewYorkerarticlehewasreadingandmakesithalfwaythroughthefollowingonebeforeherealizesthathenevercorrectedKayla.
Heclearshisthroat.“Liyah’snotmygirlfriend.We’re,um,friends.”Theendofhissentencepitchesupinvoluntarily.Kayla’slipscurve.Ohshit.
“Wow,tookyoufifteenwholeminutestocomeupwiththatone,huh?”Heopenshismouthtoreply,butKaylabringsherfingertoherlips.“Shh,I’mreading.”CHAPTER24
LIYAHisnotinthehead-to-toetinselnumbershesuggested,butshehasn’texactlygoneforsubtletyinashort,silky,silverdressandsky-highchunkyheels.Shekeptherhairoffherfacefordancinginarowoftwiststhatopentohernaturalcurls,andNeendecoratedeachpartwithsilverglitter.Neenalsoinsistedthattheymixashimmeringbodyoilintotheirlotion,andnoweverybitofthetwoofthem(collarbones,knees,elbows)glowsopalineinthestrobinglights.She’llbewashingitalloffforweeks.
Growingupinawhiteareaoftown,goingtoanAshkenazisynagogue,andjustgenerallywearingherhairnaturalandbig,Liyahhasspentalifetimeasthesubjectofpublicstares.PairherwithNeen,whoaccessorizestheirandrogynywithvisibletattoos,piercings,andawardrobethatemploystheentirecolorwheel,andyougetquitethehead-turningduo.It’saninevitablefactthatLiyahhasbecomesoaccustomedto,shenolongernotices(exceptinthefewcircumstanceswhenshe’slookingforit).
Nothere,though.Notinthecenterofthisdancefloor,populatedwiththefinestdragandsparklethatSeattle’syoungqueerscenehastooffer.Shemeltsintothecrowd,awareofherbodyonlyinsofarasshecanfeelthebasspulsethroughherribsandthighs.Lesssureofherexistencewitheachbumpfromanunfamiliarformagainsthers.Theanonymityismoreintoxicatingthananyliquor.
Atthispointinthenightfiveyearsago,Liyahwouldhavebeennearlynakedinabathroomstallwithastranger,leavingNeentofindherasweatymessaroundclosingtime.Onoccasion,Liyahmissesthethrillofthoseadventures.Sheneverlongsforthedepressiveepisodesthatwouldfollow.
“Yougood,C-J?”Neenasksastheywedgetheirwaythroughneighboringbodies,thetasselshangingfromtheirjumpsuitnarrowlymissingsomeone’sdrink.
“Yeah,I’mgood,”sheshoutsbackoverthumpingspeakers,acceptingtheplasticcupfilledwithvodkaandtonicwater.
“Youhaveyourthinkingfaceon.”
Neen’sright.Alotofsuppressedthoughtshavefloatedtothesurfaceinrecentweeks.TellingDanielhasunlockedalotofdoorsshelikestokeepclosed.Noneofherworstfears—thathewouldtreatherdifferently,thathewouldseeheraslessthanthepersonsheworkedsohardtobecome—havecometofruition.Butthat’salmostworsethanthealternative,becausedoesn’tthatmeanshecouldhavetoldsomeonesooner?Thatshecouldhaveletherselfworkthroughthethoughtsthatintrudeinhermostrestlessmoments,anditwouldn’tcrackthrougheveryfoundationshe’severbuilt?Maybecraftingherlifesotheonlypersonsheletsseeallthewaythroughherlivesthousandsofmilesawayislessofasafetynetandmoreofawaytoensureacertainlevelofloneliness.
It’sNewYear’sEve.Stop,shetellsherself,andknocksbackherdrinkinonego.
“Jesus,Liyah.”
Liyahgrimacesattheburnofthevodka.“Nomorethinking!”
NeengrinstheirbestCheshirecatsmileandemptiestheirowncup.“Nomorethinking!”
ThenightisablurofmusicandmovementandLiyahletsitfillheruntilshe’sfloatingoutsideherself,everywhereandnowhereatonce.Sweat-slickedskinandcoldliquorslidingdownherthroat.Atmidnight,silverandgoldballoonsfallfromnettingintheceiling,andsheandNeenshareapeckofaNewYear’skiss.Shekeepsherpromisenottothink,untilshepullsherphoneoutonthewayoutofthebathroom.
Daniel
happynewyear!Findanyonetokiss?;)
Isthatajoke?Itmustbeajoke.Itwouldbetooweirdforhimtoearnestlyask.Still,she’sdiscomfitedbythequestion,eveninjest.
Liyah
Yes,itwasmarvelous.Whowasyourluckylady?
Daniel
wait,youreallykissedsomeone?
Liyah
??
Daniel’stypingbubbleappearsanddisappears.Threeseparatetimes.Shesquintsatittomakesurehereyesaren’tplayingtricks,andthereitgoesagain.
Daniel
haveyoubeenhookingupwithotherpeopleinchicagotoooristhisjustanewyear’sthing?
Liyahblinksatherscreenindisbelief.Shewasjustgoingalongwiththebit.Washenotjoking?What’swiththewinkingface,then?Ishemadather?She’stoodrunkforthis.Also,whatthefuck?
Suddenlyawareofthecrushinghumidityinthebar,LiyahmakeseyecontactwithNeen,pointstothedoor,andmouthsIneedair.Theynodandsherushesoff,pushingintothechilly,dampnight.Thebrickexteriorofthebuildingscratchesagainsthershoulderblades;herjacketisstillinside.Twovaguelymasculinefiguresarepracticallydryhumpingtwentyfeetawayandthesmellofpotwaftsfromaroundthecorner,butLiyah’saloneinallthewaysthatmatter.
Thatis,nobodyiswatchinghertypeanddeletemessagesforfiveminutesstraightbeforegivingupandpressingcall.
“Youwannatellmewhatthatwasabout?”sheblurtsassoonastheringscutout,notgivinghimachancetospeak.
“Ijust…Ididn’tkissanybody.”ThegruffnessofDaniel’svoicelivensupwingedinsectssomewhatlikebutterfliesinherstomach.Liyahignoresthem.They’reprobablymoths,chewingholesintheemotionsshekeepsstoredawayforanappropriateseasonyettocome.“Ihaven’tbeensleepingwithotherpeople.Ithoughtweshouldtalkaboutit?”
“Youthoughtyou’daskmeovertext?Withanemoji?”
“Yeah,Iguessthatwasn’tmybestidea.”
Liyah’ssnortiscontemptuous.“Youthink?”
“Ishouldhaveknownyouwere.Imean,we’recasualandeverything.Andwe’vebeensafe.Youknow,condomsandgettingtestedandall.”
Liyahrubsatthefurrowinherbrow.Whenshelowersherhand,glitterstreaksacrosstheheelofherpalm.“I’mprettyfuckingdrunk,Daniel.”
“Yeah,metoo.It’sthreethirtyhere.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.”
“Areyou,like,madatme?”
“No,I’mnot.”Hisvoicestillsoundsoff.Liyahassumeshe’slying.
The“YouhaveNORIGHTtobe”shedeclaresloudlyintoherreceiverearnsabriefheadturnfromoneofthedryhumpers.
“I’mreallynot,”herepliessoftly.
Hesoundsresigned,whichonlyagitatesherfurther.“Idon’tbelieveyou.Whythefuckelsewouldyousendmethat?AttwelvethirtyonNewYear’s.Fuck’ssake.”
“IhopeIdidn’truinyournight.”
“Youdidn’truinmynight!”Shefeelshervolumeclimbingandforcesitbackdown.“Ijustwanttoknowwhat’sgoingon.Ithoughtyouwerejokingatfirst,butnowitfeelslikeIwalkedintoatrap.”
“Itwasn’tatrap—”
“Thenwhatwasit,Daniel?HowwasIsupposedtorespond?”Bothdryhumperslookthistime.Oneofthemcallssomethingliketellhim,girl!beforereapplyinglipstoneck.
“Idon’tknow!”Danielshoutsback.“Iwasn’tthinking.Really,Ijustwasn’tthinking.Pleasedon’t—fuck,Liyah.I’msorry.”Hisvoicebreaks,andwithit,Liyah’sresolve.
“Neen,dummy,”shemutters.
“WHAT?”DANIELASKS,liftinghisheadoutofhisfreehand.He’djustfinishedbrushinghisteethwhenLiyahcalled,andnowhe’ssittingontheedgeofhissister’sguestbedinonlyhisboxers,feelinglikethestupidestpersonalive.Ifheruinswhattheyhaveoveradrunktext…
No,hedoesn’twanttothinkaboutthat.Thisisn’tagrovel-prooffuckup.She’sforgivenhimbefore,andhe’sprettysurehecanBrownstein’sBagelshiswayoutofthisifneedbe.
“IkissedNeen.Itwasapeck,nothingwehaven’tdonebefore.”
“Oh.Ithought…”
“Iknowwhatyouthought.Ithoughtwewerejoking,soIwasgoingalongwithit.”
Hisshouldersrelax.“I’mjustadumbass?”
“Yeah,prettymuch.”
“So,nothing’schangedfromlastyear?”
Hisheartjumpswhenshelaughs.“Guessnot.”They’resilentforamoment,andDanielfeelsthereliefreachhisextremities.“IwouldtellyouifIweresleepingwithotherpeople,Daniel.Iffornootherreason,atleastforsafety.”
DanielisclosertothecomedownofhisnightthanLiyahistohers,butitappearsthatsomeliquidcourageremains.“IthinkI’dratheritjustbeus,ifthat’sokay.”
“Thatworksforme.”Shegiggles,andhe’sevenmoreawareofherdrunkenness.“Also,betweenwork,SSC,and,y’know,fucking,youseemealmosteveryday.WherewouldIfindthetime?”
“You’readeterminedindividualwhenyouwanttobe,”heretortswithasmile.“Look,I’msorryImessedupyournight.I’llgiveyouaridehomefromtheairporttomakeupforit.”
“IfIhadn’tspenttwentyminutesupsetaboutthis,itwould’vebeensomethingelse.Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Isthatanototheride?”
“Notakesie-backsies.Seeyouinforty-sevenhours,sucker.”
“Goodnight,Liyah.”
“’Night,Daniel,”shereplies,andhangsup.
Floppingbackontothebed,Danielletsoutalongsigh.Drunkenjealousyisnotagoodlookandit’saworsefeeling.Hehadn’tevenseenitcoming.Thatfirsttexthadbeenajoke.ButhisbrainhadgonefromzerotoIdon’twantotherpeopletotouchherinthree-point-five.
Herunshishandthroughhishair,pullingthewavesoffhisface.Isittoxicallymasculinetowanttobetheonlyonewhogetstobethatintimatewithher?He’snotabouttogoallcavemanandtrytosmashsomeone’sfacein,somaybeHouseRule#3isstillintact.Ifso,hemustbebreakingsomeotherunspokenlaw
Aknockatthedoorjoltshimupright.“Yes?”hecalls,pullinghisT-shirtoverhishead.
“CanIcomein?”
“Sure.”
Kaylapokesherheadinsidefirst,asifcheckingforsignsofdanger,beforeslidingtherestofherbodythrough.Enoughlightslipsthroughthecrackinthedoorforhimtomakeoutherconcernedexpression.“I’mnotgoingtopretendIheardallofthat,butI’malsonotgoingtopretendIheardnoneofthat.”
Daniellooksatherblankly.Heshrugs.Kaylaedgesclosertothebed.
“CanIsit?”
“Sure.”
Shesitssoslowlythathebarelyfeelsthemattressdepressing.Hehashalfamindtocheckthefloorforeggshells.“Thatwasrough,Danny.”
“Thanks.”
“No—Imean,youreallylikeher,don’tyou?Youalwayshave.”HenodssoslightlyitwouldbeimperceptibleifKayla’sgazeweren’tsoperfectlyfixedonhim.“Haveyouthoughtabouttalkingtoheraboutit?”
“Idon’tknowhowshefeels.”Hepauses,reconsidering.“No,Ido.She’smadeitveryclearthatshe’snotintorelationships.Idon’twanttoruinourfriendship,or…”Hetrailsoff.
“Orstopsleepingtogether?”
“Noona!”
“What?Iknowyouhavesex,I’mprettysureIsawyouloseyourvirginity.”
Danielgroans,runninghishanddownhisface.“Don’tremindme.”
“IwishIhadn’tremindedmyself.Itwastraumatizing.”Sheshuddersinhorror,thenchuckles.
Danielfeelslessamused.“There’resomethingsyoufeelweirdtellingyouroldersisterabout,evenifshe’satherapist.”
“Aslongasyousparethegorydetails,youcantellmeaboutit.Especiallyifit’sgotyouinoneofyourtailspins.I’vegotawholethreeyearsofexperienceonyou;Imightbeabletooffersomeadvice.”
“Areyougonnachargeme?”
Sheshoveshisshoulder.“No,jackass.Thisisstrictlyoldersiblingstuff.”Sheinhales.“I’vespentalotoftimefallingquickandhardforpeoplewhodidn’tquitefeelthesame.Stuffingmyfeelingsdownneverdidmeanygood.Italwaysseemstocomeouteventually.Usually,atthemostinopportunemoments.”
Hesiftsherwordsthroughhismentalsieve,buthecan’tfindanythingwrongwithwhatshe’ssaid.Thatonlymeanshe’llneedtorunthemthroughagain.“Icankeepmyselfincheckfornow.”
“Okay.Just,youknow,ifyougettoapointwhereitfeelslikeyoucan’t,trytalkingtoher.Ifyouplanoutthegistofwhatyou’regoingtosaybeforehand,it’llbeeasier,trustme.”Shepatshimontheshoulderandstandsup,openingthedoorandwideningthesliveroflightstreamingintotheroomonceagain.
“Thanks,Kayla.Iappreciateit.”
“Noproblem.”Rightbeforethedoorclicksshut,sheswingsitandsticksherheadbackthrough.“Forwhatit’sworth,I’veseenyouandLiyahtogether,andIwouldn’tbesosurethatyoualreadyknowhowshefeels.”
Andthensheshutsthedoorbehindher.
SSC#16MEETINGNOTES
Secretary:Siobhan
????Firstofthenewyear!
????Holscheck-in
????Thatmeansholidays/vacations,forallyeyankees
????JordanhadacozytimeinRaleigh,appreciatedthelessawfulweather
????GotlaughedatwhenhetriedtoexplaintheconceptofSSCtohiscousins
????DanielvisitedhismominMadisonandspentNewYear’sinNewYorkwithKayla
????Kaylasayshellotoeveryone
????Liyah’slittlebrotherlovedtheshoesJordanpickedforhim
????Liyahiseternallygrateful
????It’sweirdhowtallhe’sgotten;shemisseswhenhewassmallerthanher
????Ididn’tneedtowritethatdown,apparently
????SiobhanhadalovelytimeinDublin
????Wentoutwithfriendsthatincludedex-boyfriend,anditwastotallynormalandnotterriblyawkwardatall!(sarcasm)
????LiyahsaysIdon’thavetowritethatitwassarcasm,butIwouldlikethathereforposterity
????Work
????Ashamewehavetogoback,butthebreakwasnice
????Dating
????SIOBHANFUCKEDWILL!!!!!CONFETTI!!!!FIREWORKS!!!!APPLAUSE!!!(Liyah)
????Ruleaddition:11.InthepresenceofDanielandJordan,SiobhanmaynotdescribeapenisshehasseensexuallyCHAPTER25
LIYAHtwiddlesherthumbsastheywaitfortheirappetizers,tryingnottolookatherphone.Thesnowonthegroundwasexpectedthistime,andtheroadsareplowedtoperfection.Well,notquitetoperfection,buttousablestandards.Jeffgrantedherrequestfortwocoatcheckattendants.Shehasnoreasontoexpectthathernightwillendanywherebutherownwarmbed,exceptthatnoneoftheothereventshavegoneasplanned.
“Ineedyoutotakeadeepbreath,”Danielsays.
“There’snothingwrongwithmybreathing,”Liyahreplies.
“Oh,isyourchestmovingrapidlybecauseyourheartisbeatingoutofit?Mybad.”
“Whyareyoulookingatmychest,Rosenberg?Isityourfirsttimeseeingbreastsinthewild?”
Thewaitercomeswiththeirsamosasthen,lookinglikehe’sreadytoburstwithlaughter.It’sthelastoftheeventsintheirproposal(meaningthelasteventbeforeJeffmakesuphismindonherpromotion)andtheydecidedtomakeanightofitandgrabdinneratabougieLondon-styleIndianjointwhosereviewspromisetastesstraightoutofSouthall.Liyahshovesabiteofsamosainhermouththemomentthewaiterleaves,hopingtoavoidtherestoftheconversation.
Shesighs,closinghereyes,forgettingthereasonshe’dtakenthebiteinthefirstplace.LiyahhasneverbeentoSouthall,butifittasteslikethis,shewillhappilylickeverysurfaceoftheneighborhood.
Whensheopenshereyes,Danielisstudyingher,thatunreadablelookhesometimesgetsovertakinghisface.Heclearshisthroat.“Iknowyou’renervous,butit’sgoingtobegreat.Ifattendancestraddlesthegapinratesformembershippurchasesfromtheholidaypartyandsleep-in,we’llsurpassouroriginalprojections.Theinfluxofrevenueisalreadybetterthanexpected.”
Liyahleansoverthetable,placingherhandoverDaniel’s.“Influxofrevenue,”shepurrs.“Iloveitwhenyoutalkdirtytome.”
Hematchesherposture,hislipsrightupagainstherear.“Waituntilyouhearmesayfurcula.”
Liyahlaughsandpullsaway,warmthpoolinginherabdomen.
AfterfifteenminutesofpeoplewatchingattheField(whichgoesaboutthesameasthelastwinenight:DanielrecliningagainstapillarandLiyahwhite-knucklingaplasticcup),Danielconvinceshertotryparticipatinginsteadofpanickingonthesidelines.
Theygofromexhibitiontoexhibition,addingsloshesofwineandhunksofcheesetotheiralreadyfullbellies.It’snotlongbeforethey’rewinedrunkandgiddy,carefullyreadingthetastingnotesasthoughtheyhadn’twrittenthemtogetherafewmonthsprior,ad-libbingsomenewonesonthespot.
“Ithasalargebouquet.Butmostlybaby’sbreath,”Liyahsaysofasauvignonblanc.
DanielswirlsaBordeauxunderhisnose.“Notesof…gasoline.Andpatchouli.”
Liyahknocksbackapinotgrigio.“Honestly?Couldn’ttasteathing,”andtheybotheruptinlaughter.
OntheirwaytotheL,Liyahchecksthenewslettersign-upstatsfromherphone.Thereare634peoplefromtonightalone,allofwhomwillreceiveanudgeaboutthisyear’smembershipbenefitsfromSiobhancomeMonday.Nothing’sguaranteed,butshecan’thelpbutfeelsomeofDaniel’sinfectiousoptimism.Sheshowsthephonetohim,andhewrapsherupinahugtightenoughtoliftherclearofftheground,spinningheraroundandnearlytrippingoverhimselfinthesnow.
“Easythere,cowboy.”
“Sorry,gotalittleexcited.”Asheputsherdown,Liyahraiseshereyebrows.“Don’tsayit,”Danielsays,shootingaglarethatinmillisecondsbecomesarosy-cheeked,crookedsmile.
“Youknow,”Liyahsays,kickingachunkofpackedsnow.“Tonightwould’vebeenareallygooddate,ifIdidthatkindofthing.Or,y’know,ifanybodyeverwantedtodothatkindofthingwithme.”Shelookstoherside,whereDanielhasgonecompletelyrigid.“No,no.Notlikethat.”Herarmsareout-of-syncwindshieldwiperstryingtotakebackherwords.“Iknowthisisaworkthing.I’mnotsaying…Imean,it’sromantic,no?Dinneratadimlylitrestaurant,wine-tastinginamuseum,soberingupenoughontheridehomeforfantasticsex.Ifyoutookagirlyoulikedoutlikethis,she’dwakeupthenextmorningcompletelysmitten.”
ShewatchesDanielswallow,blinkslowly.“Liyah—”hestarts,voicesyrupythick.
LiyahputsherhandonDaniel’sshoulder,wantingtomollifybutunsurehow.Herelaxesslightlyunderhertouch,andherpaniceases.“I’msorry,Imadeitweird.IwastryingtosaywhatanicetimeI’vehadtonight,andIhadtogoandsaythatsomeonecouldfallinlovewithyouoffthisnightalone.Ineedtolearnhowtogiveyouanormalcompliment.”
“Youthink?”Danielsays.
“Yeah,Iknow,I’llworkonit.”
“No,Imeanyouthinksomeonewouldfall—wouldbesmittenwithmeoffthisnightalone?”He’sgivingherthatlookagain,thesameoneaswhenshewaseatingthesamosa.
Liyahdropsherhand.“Imean,ifIwasonadatewithyouanditwentlikeitdidtonight,I’dwantyounakedthesecondmyapartmentdoorclosed.”
Daniellaughsnow.“Thatcouldbearranged.”
Liyahlaughs,too.Mostlyinrelief.
IT’SNOTQUITEthesecondherapartmentdoorcloses,butit’snotmuchlongerthanthat.Theywashupandclimbintobed,bone-tired.Danielfindshimselfreachingforheroncemore,thewordsfallinlovewithyouoffthisnightaloneringinginhisearsasheslidesintoher.Theydriftofftosleepsweatyandcompletelyspent,DanielresolvingtotellLiyahhowhefeelsinthemorning.
Afewhoursofsleepandamostlydemolishedplateofscrambledeggsandveggiesausageslater,Liyahisscrollingthroughherphone,legsdrapedacrossDaniel’slap.Hetracescirclesonherknee,convincinghimselfthathecan’tputitoffanymore.Liyah,IthinkIshouldtellyouthatIhavefeelingsforyou.Ormaybe,Intheinterestofhonesty,IwantyoutoknowthatIlikeyouasmorethanafuckbuddy.Evenjust,Hey,Liyah,Ilikeyou.
Liyahmuttersanexpletiveunderherbreath.
“Whathappened?”Danielasks,unabletomaskhisconcern.
Liyahwavesherhand.“Ohno,nothingbad.Iforgotthatmymomisvisitingnextweekend.I’mgonnatextthegroupchatandleteveryoneknowIcan’tbeatSurvivalClubonFriday.”
Daniel’sshouldersrelax.“Ah,okay.Youshouldinviteher,”hejokes.
“Ha.Never.SSCmustremainaparent-freezoneatallcosts.Otherwise,they’lltakethefactthatnoneofusarewell-adjustedadultsasapersonalaffront.”
Danielplucksoneofhercurlsandwatchesitspringbackintoplace.Liyahside-eyeshim.“Speakforyourself.I’mverywell-adjusted.Siobhan,too.NotsureaboutJordan.Whattimedoesyourmothergotosleep?”
“She’llbebackinherhotelbyninethirty,why?”
“Whydon’tyoucomebyafter?It’snotlikeyou’veevershowedupontimebefore.”
Liyahgroans.“Wealwaysdosleepoversinherhotelroomwhenshevisits—pleasedon’tlaughatme,thetraditionstartedwhenshesatdownonmymattressincollegeandsaiditfeltlikecardboardanditjustneverstopped—andIdon’twanttohavetoexplaineverydetailofwhereIwas.”
“What,youembarrassedoftheclub?Onbehalfofallofus,I’mwounded.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Nah,it’sjustthatshe’daskwhoIwaswith,howIknowthem,etcetera.Mymomcanreadmeinaninstantsotherewouldbenohidinganything.”
“She’dpokearoundyoursexlifetoomuchforyourliking?”
Herfacepuckersindisgust.“Worse,she’dfindoutwhoyouareandimmediatelypickouttheglassforyoutobreakatourwedding.”
Thethudinhisstomachisquickandpainful,whichisprobablywhythenextwordsraceoutbeforehecanthinkbetterofthem:“Andwhyisthatsobad?”
Liyahpauses,eyeswide.“WhywouldInotwantmymommarryingusoffandtryingtoforceustopopoutgrandchildren?Letmecheckmynotes.”Daniel’sfrowndoesn’twaver.“You’rebeingweird.Whyareyoubeingweird?”
“I’mnotbeingweird.Itjustsoundslikeyou’reembarrassedtobesleepingwithme,”hemumbles.Nicesave,dumbass.
“No,Daniel,nothinglikethat.You’reanabsolutecatch,andwhenyoueventuallyfallinlove,you’llmakesomeoneanexcellenthusband.Ijustdon’twantmyoverzealousmothertoruinourfriendship.”
Fuckfriendship,Liyah!Idon’twanttobeyourfriend.Iwanttowakeupnexttoyoueverymorning.Isthatnotthemostobviousthingintheworld?Hebiteshistongueandscowls.Whatadisaster,hethinks.Andthen,MaybeKaylaisright,Ishould’vedonethissooner.Butwhatcouldhepossiblysaynow?
Liyah’shandfindshiskneeandsqueezes.Thatlookofworryhewisheshe’dneverhadreasontobecomesofamiliarwithisetchedintoherfeatures.“Hey,I’msorry.Thatcameoffsuperharsh,butIpromiseIdidn’tmeanitthatway.I’mnotalwaysgreatatthinkingbeforeIspeak,andIfeelterriblethatIoffendedyou.”
Danielforcesawrysmile.“Ithoughtyoudidn’tcareaboutoffendingme?”
LIYAHHASOFFICIALLYputherfootinittwiceinundertwelvehours.Possiblyapersonalrecord.“Icareaboutitinthisway.Ireallyamsorry,”shesays.
“We’regood,Liyah.I’msorryforbeingweird.I’vebeenstressedaboutworkstuff,”hesays,butsomethingstillseemsoff.
Shenods.“Well,I’dinviteyoutogoshoppingwithustomakeupforit,butthatwouldbeanightmareforabsolutelyeveryoneinvolved.”
“Right,”Danielsays.
Liyahfurrowsherbrow,confused.Whycan’tshesmooththisoverwithhumor?It’salmostasthoughhewantstogowithherandJackieandwitnesstheeasewithwhichtheyweavefromaffectionatetobickeringandbackagain.
Maybeit’sthatshe’smethisfamily,andhehasn’tmethers.Butthat’scompletelydifferent;MinjiandKaylawereherebeforetheystartedsleepingtogether.And,technically,LiyahhadalreadymetKayla.
“IfeellikeI’mmakingthisworse,butI’mgraspingatstraws,here.”
“Itoldyou,it’sworkstuff.”
“Oh,”shesays.“IssomethingwrongwiththeCTAaccount?”
“No,theylikedthecampaign.”
“SomethingIdon’tknowabouttheField?Dothenumberslookbad,andyou’reafraidtotellme?”Shefeelsherheartbegintorace.
“No,Liyah.It’snotthat.Differentaccount.”Daniel’seyesarepointedinherdirection,butLiyahgetsthesensethathe’slookingstraightthroughher.
“Okay,well.IncaseitwassomethingIsaid,I’llpickupanewmind-mouthfilteratthestoretoday.”Thecornerofhismouthonlyjustturnsupward.Liyahsighs.“Canwestartthelasttenminutesfromthetop?”
Danielnods,hissmilealittlemorecertain.“Sure.”
“Okay,”shesays,holdingupthreefingers.“Three,two,one:go!”CHAPTER26
DANIEL’SeyeshavebeenonAlexforthepastseveralminutes.Hisbartendingisawe-inspiring,achoreographeddanceinwhichthecopper-coloredcocktailshakersreflectspotsofamberlightontotheceiling.It’snotsomethingDaniel’spaidmuchattentiontobefore,butthat’sprobablybecausehe’salwayswatchingLiyah.Notthatheisn’tengagedintherestofthegroup—hisgazejustregularlysnaresonsomethingabouther.Mostanyskillcanbedevelopedovertime,andDanielisbecomingtheworld’sforemostexpertonlisteningintentlytoJordan’sandSiobhan’sdatingissueswhilealsocatalogingthewayLiyahtwirlsacherrystemorhowthemolesonherleftcheekjumpwhenshesmiles.
Sheinsistedthattheysoldieronwithouther,buteverythingfeelsslightlyoutofplace.Theirtablehaslostaleg—iftheyreassemble,theycouldgetittostand,butasis,itkeepstippingover.OneSurvivalClub,andhe’slikethis.There’sadullacheatthethoughtofwhatwouldhappeniftheirfriendshipendedpoorly.
“Arewenotinterestingenoughforyou?”Jordanasks,severingDaniel’slineofthought.
“Sorry.Longweekatwork.”Alacklusterandoverlyrelied-uponexcuse.
Siobhansighs.“No,behonest.It’sweirdwithoutLiyah,isn’tit?Itfeelslikewe’recheatingonher.”
Daniellaughs.“Yeah,somethinglikethat.It’snotevenhangingoutwiththetwoofyou.It’sthehangingoutherethatgetsme.ItfeelslikeProhibitionissacred.”
Jordanleansinconspiratorially.“Y’allthinkAlexwouldbedisappointedifwedipped?”
“I’llpromisetocleanthebathroomnexttimeit’shisturnifIhaveto.”
Siobhansetsheremptyglassonawiltingcocktailnapkin.“There’saLouMalnati’sthreeblocksfromhere.Whatwouldittakeformetoconvinceyoulottosplitadeep-dishpizza?”
“Notadamnthing,”Jordanreplies,alreadyoutofhisseat.
Jordan’snapkinisobliteratedintomicroscopicshredsbythetimethefoodarrives,butthewaitress’sdisapprovingscowldisappearswhenheflashesherhissignaturesmileandwink.Assoonastheirserverisgone,DanielfanshimselfandSiobhanclutchesherchest,lettingouttwinbarksoflaughter.
“IthoughtitwasLiyahwhowasdeterminedtoshrinkmyego.”
Danielswallowshisbiteoftoo-hotmoltencheeseandsauce,shakinghishead.“Nahman,she’sjusttheloudest.”
“It’strue,”Siobhanadds,handhoveringinfrontofherpartiallyfullmouth.“Whydoyouthinkwe’realwayslaughingalongwithher?”
“Ihatey’all,”Jordansays,buthe’sgrinning.“Icamehereunderfalsepretenses.”
“What’sfalseaboutit?Wepromisedpizzaandgoodcompany,andthat’sexactlywhatyou’vegot.”
“Aite,movingonfromComedyCentral’sRoastofJordanAmes,canwegetaWillupdatefromSiobhan?”Jordanpausesjustshortofhisfirstbite—Southernmannersalwaysremainingintact—toadd:“KeepinginmindHouseRulenumbereleven.”
Siobhan’scheeksandchestpinken.“Listen!YouaskedmetokeepthejuicybitstomyselfandIhavesinceobliged.NoWillupdates,perse…butsincewe’renotexclusive,Iwentonadatewithadifferentbloke.”
“Anygood?”Danielasks.
“Hardly.Imadeajokeaboutbeingabiggirl—becausethemomentcalledforitandIamquitefunny.”ItdawnsonDanielthatSiobhanwouldnothavecomplimentedherselfinthatwayinfrontofthemafewmonthsago.Hesmilesbrighter.“Andhehadthenervetotellme,‘No,you’rebeautiful.’”Sherollshereyes,andDanielandJordanwince.“Firstofall,Iamfat,IthinkI’dknow.Andsecond,whendidIsayIwasn’tbeautiful?I’dassumehethoughtasmuchsinceheaskedtobeonadatewithme.Idecidedhewasn’tsogood-lookingafterallandendedupinWill’sbedattheendofthenight.”SheeyesJordan.“Endofstory,soasnottoscandalizeyou.”
Jordanplaceshishandsinprayerpositionandbowshishead.“Muchappreciated.And,onbehalfofallmen,Iapologize.”
“Tentativelyaccepted.”
“That’sshitty.Atleastyougotridofhim,”Danielinterjects.
SiobhanglancesatDanielandsighsintoherbeer.“IfI’velearnedanythingfromLiyah,it’sthatthere’splentymoreshitmenwherehecamefrom.Ifyoudon’tthinkit’sabdicatingmySurvivalClubresponsibilitiestotrynewthingsandwhatnot,IthinkI’llstickwithWillfornow.”
“Datingunexclusivelyisoverratedandexhausting.Youdoyou,”Jordansays.
“Especiallyifyoualreadyknowyoulikeonepersonbest,”Danielfindshimselfadding.
Bothpairsofeyessnaptohim.“Speakingfrompersonalexperience?”
“Currentpersonalexperience,shemeans.”
Danielnods,quicklylookingdownathispizzatoconcealthegesture.Nothissmoothestmove.
“YouandLiyahalwaysavoidtalkingaboutrelationships,andyou’vebeenseeingsomeone?Waytoholdoutonus,man.”
WordscannotdescribehisreliefthatJordansaidsomeoneandnoteachother.ItseemsAlexkepthispromise.ButDanielstillfeelsasifhe’sbeencaughtbyKaylaalloveragain.“Seeingisastrongword.”
“Butthereissomeone,”Jordanconfirms—astatement,notaquestion.“Alexwouldn’ttellmeanything,butIknewit!”
“Oooh,”Siobhansqueals.“Canweseeapictureofher?”
“No,”Danielsaystooquickly.“Just…gottafiguresomeshitoutfirst.”
SiobhanandJordanexchangealook.“Okay,fine.Spoilsport,”sheaddsbeforechangingthesubject.
Onthewayhome,thedeepdishsitspoorlyinhisstomach.Danielonlyhassomanynarrowlymisseddisastersleftbeforesomethinggives.
SometimebetweentheDamenLstopandhisapartment,Daniel’sphonevibratesinhispocket.Heremovesitfromthedepthsofhiswintercoatandusesthetrustedcoldweathermethodofswipingwithhisnose.HisscreenfillswithapictureofLiyah,andwithit,hischestfillswithwarmth.She’sinhisUWMadisonshirt,leaningbackagainstastackofhotelpillows.Hermother,fromwhomshehasinheritedmuchfacialstructurebutfewfeatures,isfastasleeponhershoulder,jawhangingopen.Theaccompanyingtextmessagereads:
Liyah
Beenstucklikethisfortwohours,butafraidtowakethemomsterbyswitchingtheshow.CanyouODonhousehunters?Pleaseadvise
Danielstopsinhistracks.Donefordoesn’tcoverit.He’sinlovewithher.Notenamored.Inlove.Like,stupidly.It’seffervescentandfizzingpainfullythroughhisarteriesfromhishearttohisextremities,andhehastoleanagainstanearbybuildingsothathedoesn’tcollapsewiththeweightofitall.
It’sbareinstinctthathashimthumbingthroughhiscontactlistandpressingcall,andforablissfulhalfsecond,hissubconsciousexpectssomeonetoanswer
Threeascendingtonesandaroboticvoicebrutallyremindhimthatthere’snobodyontheotherend.Forthefirsttimeinhislife,Danielisinlove,andhisfatherwillneverknowaboutit.HismomorKaylamightpickup,buthecan’tbringhimselftocall.Itwouldbetantamounttosayinghe’sreplaceable,andAaronRosenbergisanythingbut.
Wasanythingbut.
Pasttenseissomorbid.
Danielinhalesdeeply,frigidairstinginghislungs.“Imetagirl,”hesaysonhisoutbreath.
Famouslastwords,hisdadwouldreply.What’sshelike?
“EommaandKaylametheralready,andtheyloveher.HernameisLiyah,shortforAliyah.Sheworksatamuseumandlovesskeletonsandcoffeeandpokingfunatme.SweetPotato—mycat,youdon’tknowthatIguess—mightlikeherevenmorethanshelikesme.She’sgotthequickestwitofanyoneI’veevermet.”Thissidestreetisdeadatthistimeofnight,butDanielpresseshissilentphonetohisearjustincaseashemakeshiswaytowardhisbuilding.
Youreommawasalwayssmarterthanme.It’swhatmademefallforher.Herfacedidn’thurt,either,ImaginaryDadsays.
“Liyah’ssocompletelybeautiful,it’sunreal.Iloveher,Dad.Iwishyoucouldmeether.”Tearswellashewalks,buthemakesnomovetowipethemaway.
Doesshefeelthesameway?
“Sometimes,shelooksatmeinthiscarefulwayandIthinkshemight,butshealwayssaysshedoesn’tdateand…Idon’tknow.Ishouldtalktoher,butIcan’tfigureoutwhattosay.Whatdoyouthink?Whatwouldyoudo?”
ImaginaryDad’sanswerscanonlygoasfarasDaniel’simagination.It’saquietwalktherestofthewayhome.
LIYAHFELLASLEEPinhermother’shotelroomlastnightsometimeduringthefifthepisodeofHouseHunters,neverhavingmadeitoutofthepositionshewasstuckin.Moreimportantly,neverhavingmadeitintoherhairwraporsomuchasascrunchie.Now,hermotherisimpatientlywaitingonhercouchasLiyahrushesthroughhermorningroutine.
“Idon’tseewhyyoucouldn’tleavefromthehotel.You’rebeautifulwithoutanymakeup.Sixletters,aplantorhillyevidenceofpre-ClovisAmericans.”
“Cactus.CactusHillisanarchaeologicalsiteinVirginia.”Liyahstuffsthefrontofhersweaterintoherhigh-waistedjeans.“Andit’snotaboutmakeup,Ineededtoshoweranddomyhair.ItwasamessafterIsleptwithitout.”Sherollsonherwoolsocksandexitsthebedroom.
“Youcouldhaveputyourhairupandnobodywouldnotice.ThenI’dgettoseeyourshaynapunim.”AperennialcomplaintfromJackieCohen:Liyah’shairblocksherprettyface.“Icouldhaveloanedyouahairtieifyourswasn’tgoodenough.”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Yourshavemetalclasps!Wouldyouliketocutitoutofmyhair?”Sheforcesherfeetintohersnowbootsandbeginsthetediousprocessoflacingthem.
Hermomslipshercrosswordintoherpurse.“You’rereadynow,soit’sneitherherenorthere.Breakfast?”
“Yes,please.”
TheywalkarminarmtoalittlewaffleplaceinWickerPark,hermothersayingthingslikeOh,it’ssogoodtoseeyou!andWhenwillIseeyounext?despitethetwofulldaystheyhaveremaining.
“Howlongwillyourexhibitberunning?DadandIwon’twanttomissit,”hermomasksthemomentLiyahfinishescomplainingaboutEmiliano’santicsandshovelsagenerousbiteofwaffleintohermouth.
Shepouts,chewsasquicklyasshecan,andswallows.“Atleastayear.You’llbeabletoseeit,Ipromise.JustletmeknowwhenandI’llgetyourtickets.”Liyahreplacesthepieceofwaffle.
“Oh,we’resoproud!Ican’twait.”Hermomreachesacrossthetabletopatherwrist.“So,haveyoubeenseeinganybodyspecial?”
Liyahshakesherhead.“YouknowIdon’treallydate,Mom.”
Hermomtsks.“That’swhatyoutellme.HowamItoknow?Maybeyoudon’twanttokeepyourmotherintheloop.”
“Youwanttohearaboutmysexlifethatmuch?”
“So,thereissomeone!”
“SomeoneI’msleepingwith,Mom.Notdating.”
“Whoishe?She?They?”
“Mom,”Liyahprotests.
“Aretheygoyishe?Isthatwhyyouwon’ttellme?Itwouldbehypocriticalofmetojudge,andyou’reawoman,afterall.YourkidswillbeJewishnomatterwhat.”
Liyahgroans.“See,that’stheissue.We’rejustsleepingtogether;Idon’twanttotalkaboutkids.”Shetakesabiteofeggsinthehopesthattheconversationwillend.
“You’refriends?”
“Yes.”
“Interesting.Goodfriends?”
“Yes.”Liyahissurprisedatherownlackofhesitation.Shetakesanotherbiteofwaffle.
Hermothertapsherchin.“YourfatherandIweregoodfriends,once.”
Liyahrollshereyes.“Yeah,butyouprobablyalwayswantedmorethanthat.Youwerethemarriagekind,youknow?That’snotwhoIam.”Danielisprobablythemarryingtype,shethinks.Butwheneverithappens,itwillbewithsomeonekindandnormal.Whocansayhellowithoutmakingfunofhim,whodoesn’thavemeltdownsinsynagogueontheHighHolidays.Whohasn’tdissolvedintoapuddleoftearswhilenakedinhisarmsonmorethanoneoccasion.Itwouldneverbewithher.
“Oh,sweetie,there’snosuchthing.Peoplejustgettoapointinlifewhenthey’rewithsomeonetheyloveandmarriagefeelsliketherightthingtodo.Ididn’tgrowupdreamingofawhitewedding.”Andthen:“Youreallyshouldeatmoreslowly,it’snotgoodforyourdigestion.”
Liyahscruncheshernose.Atthesametimeashermother,shesays,“Don’tmakethatface,youwouldn’twantittofreeze.”
Jackielaughs.“AmIreallythatpredictable?”
“Likeabrokenrecord,”Liyahreplies,andrudelyplacesanotherforkfulinhermouth.CHAPTER27
LIYAHarrivesatProhibitionattheuncommonlyearlytimeof9:13,tenminutesaftertherestofthegrouphassettledin.
ShehangshersnowcoatonthebackofthechairnexttoDaniel’s.“God,nomatterhowearlyIarrive,IalwaysfeellikeI’mlate.”
Danielexaggeratedlycheckshiswatch.“That’sbecauseyouare.”
“Ihadhopedforawarmerwelcome.”Shepoutsherwind-chappedlips,thebottomonepinkerthanusual,andDanielwondersifthey’llfeelroughagainsthislatertonight.“Thoughtyouallmighthavelearnedtoappreciatemeinmyabsence,butalas.”
Danielcoughsintohisfisttocoverhislaugh.He’sseenher—alotofher—everynightsinceTuesday.Assheunwindsherscarfandslidesintoherseat,sheeyeshimlikeshe’sthinkingsomethingsimilar.Thelingeringgazeflicksawaybeforeitcanbecaughtbytheircomrades,butit’senoughtounleashthatbubblingfeelinginhischest.
“HowwasMommaCohen-Jackson’svisit?”Jordanasks.
“JustMommaCohen.ShealwayssaysthatJackieJacksonwouldhavesoundedbad,butJackieCohen-Jacksonwouldbeevenworse.”
“That’sagoodreasontokeepyourname,Isuppose,”Siobhansaysaroundherstraw.
“Shewouldhavefoundanotherexcuse,I’msureofit.Itwasgood,evenifIhadtododgeafew‘Whenwillyougivemeagrandchild’questions.I’dhavetwoIUDsinifIcould.”
Jordanholdsuphishand.“Sparemethedetails,please.”
“Isaidthreeletters.Ididn’tevenmentionwhereI’dplacethem.They’dgoinmyuterus,Jordan.Thestringsgothroughthecervicalopeningandintothevaginalcanal,sothatthedevicecanberemoved.Wouldyouliketoknowhowitworks?”
“I’dliketonothavetoretaketenth-gradehealth.”Jordan’sgrimacedeepens.
“Ifyoufeelcomfortableinsertingyourgenitalsintosomethingyoucan’thearthenameofwithoutcringing,youprobablyshould.ThoughI’mnotsureitwouldhelp;sexedinthiscountryisabysmal.”
“Liyah,”Siobhanobjects.
“Yeah,yeah,Iwilllimitmydoomspiralingintheinterestofmorale.Surprisedyouhaven’tmadeitaruleyet.”
“HouseRulenumbertwelve:Liyahmustlimitherdoomspiralingintheinterestofmorale.Allinfavor,sayaye.”
DanielandJordanchorustheiragreement,andLiyahpretendstofrownasshewritesitdownatthebottomoftoday’snotes.Underthetable,DanielfeelsthegentlepressureofthesideofLiyah’sbootagainsthis.It’slikespeakingincode;hermouthsays,“Jordan,nomatterwhatthehouserulessay,I’mgettingyouabookonhumanreproduction,”butthatbumpofherkneesaysit’sgoodtoseeyou.
Heknockshiselbowagainstherslikegoodtoseeyou,too.
Acoupledrinksin,thetoeofherboottrailsuphiscalf:excitedtoseeyoulater.
Hishandsubtly—andverybriefly—fallstoherthighandsqueezes:can’twait.
Theirpinkiesbrush:I’mthinkingaboutyourfingers.
Knees:youlookso,sogoodtonight.
Whensheleansawaycompletelyandsquareshershouldersforafight,it’sbecauseJordanhasbroughtupromanceonceagain.Motherfuckingidiot,worstfriendofalltime,torturerofsouls,Jordan.Danielcouldstranglehim.
“Listen,”Liyahsays.“Iammorethanhappytotalkabouttherestofyourguys’datingmisadventures.Delighted,even.Butloveisnot,andhasneverbeen,mything.”
Siobhanrollshereyes.“IbetyoutellDaniel.”
“That’snottrue,”Danielinterjects.“Ipromiseshe’sjustasguardedwithme.”Maybenotjustasguarded.Butheremotionsarestillsooftensuchablackbox,hewondersifshe’shidingthemfromherself,too.
“WhywouldItellDanielandnotyoutwo?”
“Youspendthemosttimewithhim.”Jordanshrugs.
Liyah’seyeswiden;shefeelscornered.Notgood.“Howcanyousaythat?IworkwithSiobhan!Ninehourseverysingleday!”
“YoualsoworkwithDaniel,love.AndIthinkJordanmeansoutsideofwork,anyway,”Siobhanpointsout.Hervoicehassoftened,andshe’slookingtoDaniel,equallyawareofLiyah’sagitation.
Jordanhasnosuchsocialgrace.“We’rejustsayingthaty’allhavebecomereallyclosefriends.”
“No,wehaven’t!”Liyahspits.
Danielisunabletoshieldhiswince,andallthreepairsofeyescatchit.
“I,um.Ididn’tmeanitlikethat,”Liyahaddsweakly.“Thefourofusareallclosefriends,notjustmeandDaniel.Ireallyvaluethegroupwehave.”Sheinhalesdeeply.“DoyouwanttoknowwhyIreallydon’twanttobetalkingaboutthis?It’sbecauseIdon’tthinkthatromanticloveisreal.”
Jordanshakeshishead.“You’vesaidthatbefore.Icallbullshit.”
Sometimes,Jordan’slackoftactcomesinhandy.DanielandSiobhanexchangeanotherlook.They’veallbeenthinkingit.“Yourparentsarestilltogether.Andhadmaybethebestmeet-cuteofalltime.”
“Iknow,Daniel.Butthat’s…Idon’tknow.Attraction,atfirst.Lust,andfriendship,andthentheybuiltalifetogetheranditworks.They’renotoutwardlylovey-dovey.Itseemsliketheyjustpleasantlycoexist,notthatthelightofathousandsunscan’tburnbrighterthanoneanother’sbeauty.”
“Idon’tthinklovehastobelikethatforittobelove,”Siobhansays.
Jordannods.“Also,evenastheirkid,youdon’tknowwhat’shappeningbehindcloseddoors.Myparentswerethemostlovingcouple,butitturnedoutthattheybothhadaniggaontheside.”Hetakesaswigofhisscotch,avoidingeyecontact.Daniel’sheardthisstory,butheknowsit’sthefirsttimeJordan’stoldtherestofthegroup.“Whentheydivorced,everybodywasshocked,butthey’dhatedeachotherthewholetime.”
“Damn,that’s…”Liyahgulpsdowntherestofherdrink.“Okay,fine.Maybemyparentsareblissfullyinlove,oratleastmoreinlovethanIcansee.”
Jordan,everinsistent:“So,wehaveestablishedthatromanticloveis,infact,real.”
“Couldbe,”Liyahcorrects.
“Wouldyouliketoshareaboutyourdatinglifenow?Youdon’tevenhavetogiveusnames.Justonebitofinformation.”
“No,Iwouldnotliketoshare.”
“Whynot,then?”
“Jordan—”Danielwarns,butgetswavedoff.
“No,becauseclearlythere’ssomeissuehere.Thisislate-twentiesgrouptherapy,right?So,we’retherapizing.Whynot,Liyah?”
“Seriously,Jordan—”Siobhanstarts,butLiyahcutsheroff.
“BecauseIdon’tthinkit’srealforme!Foryouall,maybe.Probably,actually.Notforme.”
Asailor’sknotformsinDaniel’schest.“Youdon’tthinkyou’recapableoffallinginlove?”
Thetableissilent.
Liyahsighs.“No,it’s—I’mkindofamess,emotionally.”
SiobhantouchesLiyah’sforearm.“Weallare,sometimes.”
“No,like,I’venevermetanyoneastrulyconfidentasJordan.AndSiobhanissofunnyandcaringandconscientiousandartistic.AndthenDaniel…”Shetrailsoff,lookingdownathernapkin.Whycan’tshefinishthissentence?What’swrongwithhim?Afterabreath,Liyahcontinues,voicesmall.“I’mnotlikethat.I’mgrouchyandhaveabigchiponmyshoulderandalotofissuesthatmakemeanincrediblydifficultpersontobearound.Idon’tthinkanybodycouldeverfallinlovewithme.”
Danielistakenaback.“That’sridiculous.”
“No,it’snot.”Shesaysitfirmly,likeshe’sreturningatrickyserve.
“Yes,itis!”hevolleys,hishearthammering.
“It’sreallynot,”shepingsback.
“Yes,itis!”herepeatsdumbly.
“No!Whyareyouarguingthis?Howwouldyouknow?”
“BecauseI’minlovewithyou!Liyah,Ipromiseyou,it’ssogoddamneasytobe.”
AcollectivegaspalertsDanieltothefactthathe’sjustsaidthosewordsaloud.Hisheadfallstohishands.
“No,youaren’t.Weworktogether.We’refriends.”
Heliftshisheadtomakeeyecontact,dragginghishandsdownhisfaceintheprocess.“Oh,don’tgivemethat,Liyah.Ithinkwe’ve—IthinkI’vehadenoughtimetofigureouthowIfeelaboutyou.”
Liyah’seyesflickeraroundthecircle.“Whywouldyousaythishere,infrontofeveryone?”Hervoicecouldcutadiamond.
Danielletsoutahissofabreath.“Ididn’tmeanto,butI’msuretheycouldtell.I’mnotverygoodathidingit;Ikindathoughtyouknew.”
“Well,Ididn’tknow!Andhowwouldtheyknow?Theydidn’tevenknowwe’refucking!”Siobhansnorts,andLiyahpracticallybreakshernecksnappingherattentionthatway.“What?”
“Liyah,love,comeon.Doyouthinkwe’rethatthick?We’renot.”
Jordanwinks.“Speakforyourself.”
Siobhangiveshimawitheringlook.“Notthetime.”
Danielwouldverymuchliketocrawlundertheirtable.Atthispoint,hisheightisallthat’sstoppinghim.Herackshisbrain,butshortofoneofthembeingimmediatelyhitbyablue-linetrain,hecannotimaginethisgoinganyworse.
“Youbothknew?So,whatwasthis,asetup?GetmewoundupuntilIconfirmyourlatestgossip?Somefriendsyouare,”Liyahaccuses.
SiobhanandJordanshaketheirheads.“Liyah,that’sobviouslynot—”
LiyahlookstoDaniel,eyespiercingrightthroughhim.“Didyoutellthem?”Onthesurface,shesoundsangry,butDanielknowsbetter.She’shurt.
“No,Ididn’t.Iswear.Iwouldn’t…Iwouldn’tbreakyourtrustlikethat,”hesays,tryingtokeephisvoicegentle.
“Really?Youwouldn’t?BecausebreakingmytrustisexactlywhyIstoppedtalkingtoyouatsummercamp.”
Hiseyesgowide,volumedialsup.“Areyoukiddingme,Liyah?You’rebringingupMaccabiah?Ithoughtweputthattorestmonthsago!”
Liyah’shandsballintofists.“IthoughtItoldyouitwasn’tjustaboutcolorwarsmonthsago!NeedIremindyouthatwhileyouwerepraisedformakingoutwithsomeonewhowasn’tyourgirlfriend,Iwasridiculedforit.”
“Wait,wasthearcheryfield—”Jordanstarts.
Siobhanfrowns,facegoingred.“What?Yousaidyouhardlytalkedtohimatsummercamp.Iaskedyou,andyoulookedmeintheeyesandsaidthat.”
“Ididn’twanttoreliveit,okay?Hisbuddiesfoundout,hegotafewhighfivesandfistbumps,andIgothumiliated.”
“We’vebeenoverthis.Ididn’ttellthem.Andyes,you’reright,Ishouldhavewarnedyou,butalso,Iwasathirteen-year-oldboy.AreyougoingtohatemeforeverforactinglikeachildwhenIwasone?”
“Here’sthething,Rosenberg,”shehisses,coldasice.“Youcanarguewithmeabouttheminutiaeofthatsummerallyouwant,butnoneofthatmatters.MaybeIwasdeadwrongaboutyoubackthen.ButIcantellyourightnowthatspringinghowyou’resupposedly‘inlove’”—sheusesairquotes—“withmeinfrontofourfriendswhoarenotinvolvedinourprivaterelationshipseemslikeaprettyfuckingbigbreachoftrusttome.”
“Don’tdothosefuckingairquotesatme,Liyah.ItoldyouI’minlovewithyouandyou’rebeingpatronizing?Howunfeelingcanyoube?You’reabovethat.”
“Apparently,I’mnot.”Liyahripshercoatfromthebackofherchairandstormsaway,yankingoutDaniel’sheartandhalfhisothervitalorgansintheprocess.
THECOLDAIRofthealleywayhitsLiyahlikeatonofbricks;inherrushtoleaveProhibition,shebarelygotonearmthroughherparka.Shehurriedlywrapsherscarfaroundherneck,doingherbesttostuffherhairintothefauxfur–linedhoodbeforeshezipsup.Herfingertipsarepurplingbythetimethey’retuckedintohermittens.
Tosayshe’sunabletothinkaboutwhatjusthappenedwouldbewhollyuntrue.No,she’sawhirlpoolofeverypossiblethoughtandemotionandherpoorbraincan’tseemtogetthemorganized,confusiontheonlybuoyinsight.
WhenLiyahreachesthetrainstation,shedoesn’tboard.Instead,sheturnsontoMilwaukee,walkingalongsidethebarrelingwhirrofthetrainbelow.Thewindwhipsathercheeks,driesouthereyes.Shepullsthescarfupoverthebottomhalfofherface,wishingthepricksofwaterdoingtheirdamnedesttokeephereyesfromshrivelingwouldn’talsoblurhervision.Orfeelsoconspicuouslyclosetocrying.
Thewalktakesthebetterpartofanhour,andwhenshestripsoffherouterwearinsideherapartment,shecan’ttellwhethershe’sshiveringortremblingwithfrustration.Inherbathroom,shesealsthedrainofhertubandrunsthewaterashotasshecanstand.Sheuncapsabottleofbubblebathandpoursitunderthestream,watchingthefoamingblooms.LiyahisaVictorianhandmaidscorned,angrilydrawingabath.It’ssoridiculous,sheshouldlaugh.Instead,lipspressedinaharshline,sheknotsherhairatopherheadandsecuresitwithascrunchie.
Thewaterisborderingonscaldingasshesubmergesherself,butthestingingskinsoothesher.SheswipesaroundherSpotifyinsearchofasuitablycalmingplaylist,onlytogiveupandFaceTimeNeeninstead.
“Callingmefromthebath,areyou?Naughtygirl.”
Liyahrollshereyeshalf-heartedly.“Allthespicybitsarecoveredinbubbles.”
Twodifferentvoicescallwhichgirliscallingyoufromthebath?andcanIsee?fromoff-screen.“It’smybestfriend.Andno,Dan,youcannot.HoldonC-J,I’mgonnastepoutside.”Aminorcommotionfollows,andthenthescreenisfilledwithNeen’sfaceandwhatappearstobeaconsiderablylessfrostynightthanwhatLiyahtrudgedthrough.“What’sup,babe?”
Liyahwipesbubblesfromhernosewiththebackofherhand.“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart.”
“Howaboutthemiddleortheend,ifthebeginningisn’tdoingitforya?”
“Danieltoldmehelovedme.”
“Ah,okay.”Neennods.“Weknewthatalready,didn’twe?”
“No—likeinlovewithme.Likeromantically.”
Neenfurrowstheirbrow.“I’mgatheringthatIshouldbeshocked,”theysaybeforeclearingtheirthroat.“Wow!He’sinlovewithyou?That’scrazy!”
“Itisshocking,”Liyahinsists.
“Right,it’sshocking.Isthatwhyyou’resoupset?Becauseyoudidn’texpectit?”
“Hediditintheworstpossibleway,Neen.Wewerearguingaboutromanticlove—no,don’tgroanatme,please.I’mhangingonbyathreadhere.”
“Sorry.”
Sheunloadseverythinguntil,atlonglast,NeensatisfiesLiyahwithanappropriatelystunnedexpression.“Oof,okay.C-J,Ijustwanttosay,youareanextremelylovableperson.Andsodeservingoflove.IgetfrustratedwhenIhearyousaythingslikethat,soIimagineitwasroughforDanieltolistentoyou.”
Liyahbalks.“Areyouseriouslytakinghisside?”
“No,Idon’tthinkhehandledthesituationwellatall.IamtakingJordan’sandSiobhan’sside,though.Youowethemapologies.”
“Iknow.”Liyahsinksdeeperintothebathuntilthefoamticklesherchin.“Ididn’treallymeanwhatIsaid.Iwasjust…”
“Overwhelmed?”Liyahnods.“Yeah,I’veseenyouwhenyougetthatway;it’snotpretty.”
Liyahblowsonapalmfulofbubbles,watchingthemslowlydriftbackdowntothetubinsteadoflookingatNeen’sfaceonherphonescreen.“Thanks.”
“You’reverywelcome.”Theirtoneturnsfromsarcastictoconcerned.“Haveyougivenanythoughttowhathesaid?”
Sheshakesherhead,frowndeepening.“You’rehearingallofmythoughtsasthey’recomingtome.”
“Imeanwhetheryoufeelsimilarly.”
“YoumeanlikewhetherI’minlovewithhim?”Liyah’sstomachknots.Thelasttimeshethoughtshewasinlove,shewassixteen.Thisfeelsnothinglikethat.“No,Ihaven’tconsideredthat!Idon’teventhinkhe’sinlovewithme!He’sprobablydoingthatmid-to-late-twentiesthingwhereyouassumethateachnewpersonyousleepwithistheloveofyourlifebecauseyouwanttosettledownsobadly.”
“IsDanielreallythatdesperateforapartner?”
“No,but…”Liyahtrailsoff,herhearthammering.
“Canyougivemearealreasonwhyhecan’tpossiblybeinlovewithyou?Anddon’tsaybecausenobodycould.”
Butthat’saperfectlygoodreason.Sheisnottheloveinterest!She’sthepersonyoumeetonthewaytotheloveinterest.Theoneyoujokeabouthavinghadgreatsexwithinyourtwenties,theonewhobummedyououtforamonthorsowhensheendedit.Whomadeyourealizethatyoucouldmoveontosomeonealittlemoresaneandalotlessbroken.AndshewouldsaythistoNeen,butshedoesn’twantalecture.Shewantshelp.Soinstead,shesays,“Well,weworktogether.”
“OhmyGod,onlykindof!Andisn’tthatalmostover?Tryagain.”
“Thisreallysucks.Ifeellikesomeone’stakenanicecreamscoopertomyinsides.”
“Iwonderwhythatis,”Neenquips.“C-J,Iloveyou.Ialsothinkthatyou’renotintherightheadspacetoreceiveanyfeedbackIcangive.Whydon’tyoufinishyourbath,gotobed,andwe’lltalkinthemorning?”
Herbreathingshallows.Sheshouldn’tbealonerightnow.“Neen,no!Ineedyoutohelpmesortthroughthis.”
“Iamhappytobeyoursoundingboardafteryou’reabitmoresettled.Ican’tfeelyourfeelingsforyou,though.Nomatterwhat,thatjobcanneverbeoutsourced.”
SheknowstheresolutioninNeen’svoice.Thereisn’tanythingshecandotomakethemstayontheline.Liyahtakesadeepbreath,thenforcesasmile.“Can’tyouwriteaprogramforthat?”
“Iwish.AreyougonnasurviveifIletyougonow?”
Liyahsighs,swirlingherfingersthroughthewarmwater.“Barely.”
“Okay.Seeya,C-J.”
“Bye,Neen.”
Theyclickoff,andLiyahbalancesherphoneonthewidelipofthetub.
Thesilencestretches.
Inlovewithme.Whatacrueljoke.Howdarehe?Inpublic!AftereverythingI’vetoldhim,tocallmeunfeeling.That’snotlove.Wehadanagreement.We’refriends!Wewerefriends.He’stheunfeelingone.Noconsiderationformeatall.
Incensed.That’showshefeels.
Sheinhales,thensinksevenlowerin,lettingthewatercoverherheadcompletely.Howlongcanshestaythisway?It’ssafeunderhere,allsensereducedtonothingbuttheheatofthewateragainstherskin.
Shecloaksherselfuntilherlungsphysicallyburnforair.Andthensome.Sheonlycomesupforabreathwhenshe’ssureshecan’tstanditamomentlonger.Herribsachewithherheaving.Thescreenofherphoneflashes.
CallfromDanielWoo-jinRosenberg.
Liyahholdsdownthesidebuttonuntilthescreengoesblack.CHAPTER28
NIGHTSgolikethis:Danielgetshome,laconicallyrepliestoanincreasinglyconcernedAlexbeforeheleavesforwork,cooksdinner,hasabeer,getsinbed,andwatchesNetflixuntilhecanbearfallingasleep.SweetPotatotrailshimevenmorethanusual,sitsonhischestandpurrsuntilhiseyesclose.Returnsthemomenttheyopenagain.
ThatconversationatSurvivalClublastedmereminutes,andsixmonthsoffriendship,gone.
Hecalledthreetimes.Oncethatnight,oncethenextday,oncethedayafter.Leftvoicemails.Fourtextmessages,oneeachdaysinceitbecameapparentthatshewouldn’tpickuphiscall.Askingforachancetotalkinperson,atfirst,butbythelastonehejustwantedtoconfirmthatifhesentheranemail,she’dreadit.Radiosilence.
It’sbeenafullweek,andhereheis,abouttobelatetowork,deletingandretypinghisfifthmessage.
Daniel
idon’texpectyoutorespondtothis.idon’twanttomakeyouuncomfortable,soi’mlettingthecrewknowiwon’tbetheretonight.ifyouchangeyourmind,youknowhowtoreachme.
DanieltoSSC
heyguys,ihavesomuchworktocatchupontoday,soyoushouldgoaheadwithoutme.
It’satransparentout,butnottechnicallyuntrue.SweetPotato’spurringonhischestintensifies.Inhisdeepdiveintocatbehaviorthedayofherspontaneousadoption,Daniellearnedthatcatspurratafrequencythatpromoteshealing.Hescratchesbehindherears.“Notsureit’sgonnaworkforthisone,butthanksanyway,SweetP.”
Danielwishes,morethananything,thathecouldwishhehadn’tmetLiyah.Itwouldbeeasierthatway,tocallthelastfewmonthsawashandmoveon.Totellhimselfthatshewasright,andhedoesn’treallyloveherafterall.Ifonly.
Daysgolikethis:Danielmisjudgesthetimingofhistrain,arrivesslightlylatetowork,thinksofLiyahtellinghimtostopblaminghisJewishinternalclockontheCTA.Danielworks,orpretendstowork.It’shardtotellthedifference.Jordanpopsinto“gethisopiniononsomething”threetimesmorethanusual,ignoresthedarkcirclesunderDaniel’seyes.Theyeatlunch.Morework.BustoLtohome.LaconicallyrepliestoanincreasinglyconcernedAlexbeforeheleavesforwork.Etcetera.
Today—slightlydifferent.WhentheysitdownintheirfavoriteLebaneselunchspot,Jordansays,“I’mreally,reallysorryaboutlastweek.Ishouldn’thavekeptpushingherlikethat,anditblewuponyou.”
Danielswallowshisbiteofshawarmaandtakesabiggulpofwater,decidinghowtorespond.Hesettleson,“It’snotonyou,man.Ishouldn’thave…itwasnottherighttime.Youcouldn’tknowthatitwouldgothatway.”
“No,Liyahwasright.”Jordan’svoicecatchesonhername,asifhe’sworriedaboutDaniel’sreaction.“Iwasn’ttrynacatchyouintheact,butSiobhanandIguessedawhileago,soeventellinghershedidn’thavetonamenames,IknewIwasflyingclosetothesun.Ididn’trealizehowbadyou’dcaughtfeelings,butitwasn’tcool.So,I’msorry.”
“Thanks,Iguess.”Danielchews.“ThisissomethingyouandSiobhantalkabout?”
Jordanshakeshishead.“Iknowthat’spartofwhatupsetLiyah,butitain’tevenlikethat.Weonlyhadtwoconversations.Onewasabouthowwethoughty’allweresleepingtogether—thatwasthatfirstSSCbackatProhibitionaftertheChanukahparty.Andonthewayhomeafewweeksbeforethat,IsaidIthoughtyouwerecrushingmadhard,andSiobhansaidshethoughtLiyahfanciedyou.Itdidn’tgobeyondthat,Ipromise.”
“Wow,”isallDanielcanthinktosay.
“Wowwhat?”
Heshrugs.“YouandSiobhanpickeduponthingsprettyfast,isall.Guesswe’renotasslyaswethought.”
Theyeatinsilenceforafewminutes,andDanielwondersifhe’soffthehookfortherestoftheconversation.Fatchance,knowingJordan,buthemightaswellenjoyhislunchstaringblanklyoutthewindowwhilehecan.
“Hey,man.”Sureenough,Jordancomesbackwithhisanxious-older-brothervoice.“Yousureyoudon’twanttojoinustonight?I’msureworkcanwait,”headds,liketheydon’tbothknowitwasalimpexcuse.
“Shestillhasn’tspokentome.”
“Atall?”
“Notathing.I’vethoughtaboutsendingheranemail,becauseIdon’tevenknowifshe’sbeencheckingthetexts…”Danielshakeshishead.“Idon’twantthistobethefirsttimeIseeher.”
Jordanrubshishandoverhischin.“Damn.Okay,Igetitifyouwanttositthisoneout.ButIthinkSurvivalClubhasbeengoodforyou.Forallofus,man.Iknowit’sfuckingcorny,butIlovey’all.Ireallydo.Siobhan’sbeendating,andLiyahdelegatedatwork,andsometimesdoesn’texpecttheworsttohappen.I’vespentsometimesingle,andit’sgood.Andyouwenttotherapy!”
“Yeah.”
Whenhesaysnomore,Jordanfrowns.“Look,man,I’mgettingworried.Ihaven’tseenyouthisbadsinceyourdadpassed.”
Danielsighs.“ImeantwhatItoldher.Iknewthedeal,thatweweresupposedtobefriends.Butsomesmallpartofmethoughtshemightfeelthesameway.Oratleastcareaboutmeenoughnottoghost.”
“Dude,shedoescareaboutyou.YouknowLiyah,though.Shethinkshetoohardforfeelings.Shemightjustneedalittlebitoftime.”
“Idon’tknowhowmuchtimeIcangiveher.”
“That’suptoyoutodecide.Butdon’tlosehope.”
“Alittletonedeaf,don’tyouthink?”
Jordanflasheshischarminggrin.“Ican’thelpit.Toomanyromanticcomediesandpornos,remember?”
Danielcan’tmustertheenergytopretendtolaugh.Hethinksheconvincesthecornersofhismouthtoturnupward,butwho’stosay?
“Damn,notevenasmile.Okay.Yousureyoucanbeonyourowntonight?IcouldtellSandLthatI’monalast-minuteprojectwithyou.”
Danielwaveshimoff.“No,don’tdothat.I’llbe…”Good?Definitelynot.Finewouldbealie,too.“IcanhandlemyselfforoneFridaynight.”
Jordanscanshisentireface,asiflookingforthesingleeyebrowhairormuscletwitchthat’lltellhimDaniel’sabouttocrash.Hefindsnone.“Okay,man.HitmewheneverandI’llbethere.”
Danielmuttershisappreciation,eatsmoreshawarma,andthenhe’sbackatwork
Workgoeswell,itseems.BrettstopsbytocongratulateDanielonajobwelldonewithafirmhandshakeandaclapontheshoulder.DanielknowsthatwithJordan,Bretteschewshandshakesaltogetherandonlyoffersawkwardfistbumps.AnotheranswertotheeternalquestionofDaniel’sandJordan’semploymentatKinley:isitanagethingoraracething?
BretttellshimthattheCTAlovedhisdigitalwork.Heknewasmuchsincetheyalreadyhadhimconvertsomeoftheonlinepromosfortheirsocialmediaprofilestophysicalads,butit’sashocktoDanielthatanyoneatKinleywaspayingattention.“Theywentupinabunchoftrainsandbuseslastnight.”
Danielplastersonhisbestphonysmile—thekindthatwouldfoolallbutthreepeopleinhislife.Ortwo,now.“That’sgreatnews.Itwasapleasureworkingwiththem;I’msohappytheylikedit.”
“Itwasgoodstuff,Itoldya.‘Whereyougoonit,’”hemisquotes.Danieltriesnottostareattheobscenelyhigh,gelled,blondcoif.“Genius,bro.Genius.Ihaven’theardbackaboutfinalnumbersfortheField,butthey’veseemedhappysofar.Ithoughttheseaccountswouldbetotalduds,butyou’vemadeKinleylookgood.Weputsomebullshitonthewebsiteabouthowwe’reinvestedinhelpinglocalpublicservices—it’sgreatmarketingforus.”Danielsmilesagain,tellinghimselfthathe’sokaywithBrettusingwhateverrationaleheseesfit.“Keepupthegoodwork.”Brettexitstheoffice,shootingfingergunsatDanielasheleaves.
Thatwasgreatnews.Danielshouldbeelated.He’snot,though.Obviously.
Atfiveo’clock,Danielmakeshiswaytoacoffeeshoparoundthecornerfromhisoffice,waitingthereuntilhe’ssurehewon’tcrosspathswithAlexathome.He’sactinglikeamelodramaticteenager.Itmightbecauseforembarrassmentinafewdays,butrightnow,itfeelsnecessaryforsurvival.
SweetPotatogreetshimatthedoor,extendsherpawtopathischeek.Thelittlepinkpadsonthebottomsofherfeetarethecutestintheworld.Haveyouchecked?Liyahwouldaskifshewerehere.Idon’thaveto,Ijustknow,he’dreply.
Heheadstothefridge,pullingoutabeerandaTupperwareofleftoverpastathathedoesn’tbothertoreheat.SweetPotatoimpatientlymeowsashesettlesonthecouch,thencurlsintoherfavoritepositiononhislap.
EyesgluedtoamutedChicagoSkygame,Danielalternatesbetweenhisbeer,food,andSweetPotato.Sip,bite,pet,repeat.Hehasn’toncelookedawayfromthescreen,butifsomeoneaskedwhowaswinning,he’snotsurehecouldtellthem
Thephonerings.FaceTimefromKayla.Heconsiderslettingitringout,buthe’sdonethattwicethisweek.Heattemptstofixhishair—whichprobablyonlymakeshimlookmoredisheveled—beforeanswering.
Insteadofhissister’sface,thescreenfillswithapixelatedimageofherlivingroomwall,aframedartworkhedoesn’trecognizetakingupmostofthespace.
“Danny!Whatdoyouthink?”
“Ithinkyouneedtoholdyourphonestillsothatitcanfocus.”
“Sorry!I’mjustexcited.I’vebeentryingtoshowyouallweek.”Kaylasteadiesherhand,andtheimagecrystalizes:avintageCoca-Colaadvertisement,circa1900.Inbeautifulhandlettering,itboastsbeingcharming,healthful,themostrefreshingdrinkintheworld.Fivecentsatsodafountsandcarbonatedinbottles.Theidealdrinkfordiscriminatingpeople.“Isitcoolordumb?Isawitatathriftstoreandlovedit,butnowI’mkindaworriedthatit’sweirdtohaveanadforapopIdon’tevendrinkinmylivingroom.”
“Verycool,Noona.Westudiedanadlikethisinoneofmyclassesincollege.”
“Okay,gladtohaveasealofapprovalfromtheRosenbergfamilyadexpert.Where’smyfelineniece?”Sheswitchesthecamerasoherfacecomesintoview.HerwavyhairispiledatopherheadinoneofthoseclawlikeclipsthatDaniellovedplayingwithgrowingup.Darkeyebrowsknittogetherandmauvepaintedlipsfrown,KaylaapparentlyhavinglookedatDaniel’sfaceonherscreenforthefirsttime.“Danny,what’swrong?Iknewyouwereavoidingme!Itoldmyselfyouwerejustbusy,butIshould’velistenedtomySpideysensestingling.”
Wheretobegin?“Youwereright.”
“OfcourseIwas.Whatabout?”
“Liyah.Iwasgonnatellher,Iswear.Iwaitedtoolong,andit”—heborrowsaphrasefromJordan—“blewuponme.”
“Oh,Danny.I’msosorry.Shetoldyoushedidn’tfeelthesameway?Ihavetosay,Ididn’treallyexpectthat,butIguessyouneverknow.”ShecouldsayItoldyouso,butshedoesn’t,andhe’sthankful.
Danielrubshistemple.“Iwish.Shedidn’ttellmeanything!ShegotmadatmeforsayingitandbasicallysaidI’mthesamepieceofshitIwasatthirteenandstormedout—which,okay,IdidsayitinfrontofJordanandSiobhan,soIgetthat.”Kayla’seyebrowsshootuphalfaninch.“Butshedidn’tanswermycallsorrespondtomytextsaskingforachancetoapologizeandexplain.I’mstartingtothinkshemighthavemeblocked.”
“Dothemessagessaydeliveredunderneaththem?”Danielchecksthethread,tryingnottovisiblywinceattheseaofuninterruptedbluethattakesuptheentirescreen.Sureenough,there’satinyDeliveredprintedunderthefinaltextbubble.Henods.“Idon’tthinkyou’reblocked,then.”
Danielsighs,nervouslyrunninghisfingersthroughhishair.“Shedoesn’thavereadreceipts,though.Istilldon’tknowwhethershe’sseenthem.”
“Don’ttakethisthewrongway,buthaveyouactuallyexplainedandapologized?Ordidyoujustaskforthechance?”
“Thelatter,”Danielgrumbles.“ButIaskedifshe’dreadanemailIsent,andshedidn’trespond.Besides,it’snotlikeI’mtheonlyonewhohassomethingtoapologizefor.”
“I’msureyouaren’t,butthatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tbethefirsttodoit.”
She’sright.Ofcourseshe’sright.Butthatdoesn’tmeanhelikesit.“Isn’tthat,like,harassment?Iwasn’tplanningonsendinganymoretexts.Idon’tthinkshewantstobecontacted,”hetries.
“I’mtellingyoutosendheroneemail,Danny.Youcanlethercontactyouafterthat.Don’tshowupatherapartmentinthemiddleofthenightoratherofficeunannounced,andyou’regood.”
Danielisquietforalongmoment,workingtoaccepttheidea.“Whatifsheneverreplies?Whatifsheneverspeakstomeagain?”
Kaylapursesherlips.“Whatexactlydidyousaytoher?Wasitunforgivable?”
Danielshakeshishead.“ItwasmorethewayIsaiditthanwhatIsaid.”Unfeeling.Nothisbestchoiceofwords.“Mostly.Therewasonething…shewasbeingcondescendinganditpissedmeoff,soIsaidshewasabovethewayshewasactingandaskedwhyshewasbeingsounfeeling,orsomethinglikethat.Notgreat.”
“Right,notgreat.Notexactlyevil,either.Youwantmytake?”She’sclearlyabouttogiveitregardless.“Ifyousendhersomethingheartfeltandshenevertalkstoyouagain,thenshewasn’tworthyofyourfriendshiporyourloveinthefirstplace.”
Maybethat’ssomewhattrue,butitcan’ttotallybe.YomKippur,thesnowstorm,hisdad’sJesa-Yahrzeit.Liyahisafriendtohim.Thatdoesn’tjustgoaway.“Okay,”hesaysnoncommittally.
“You’llwritetheemail?”
“Iwill,”hereplies,unsurewhetherhe’slying.
Kaylatellshimthatsheloveshimandtotakecareofhimself,andheasksherafewmorequestionsaboutwhereshegottheadvertisementandwhatshe’sdoingthisweekend,andthentheyhangupandhe’saloneinthestillnessofhisapartmentonceagain.
HedisturbsSweetPotatotoretrieveasecondbeer.Again,tofindtheclickerandunmutethegame.TheSkywin;blueandyellowconfettiburstsacrossthescreen.Agameshowstarts.HeswitchestoNetflix.
Cluelessissuggested,an82percentmatchbasedonhiswatchinghistory.
Fuck
Heextractshislaptopfromhisworkbagandpullsupthebrowsertabpermanentlyopentohisemail.
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:writeasubjectbeforesendingthis
DearLiyah,
Nope.Fuck,thatfeelsweirdandformal.Hetriesagain:
ToLiyah:
He’sneveraddressedanemailthatway.HecheckshisotheremailthreadswithLiyah.Theyusuallydon’taddresseachotheratall.Itfeelswrongtojustjumpintothismessage,though.Hegoeswith:
Liyah—
I’mnotsureifyou’llreadthis,butIhopeyoudo.ItfeelsimportantthatIsenditanyway.
Aswigofhisthirdbeergiveshimthecouragetogoonward.Hetypesoutthreeparagraphsofutternonsense,thendoeshisbesttomolditintosomethingintelligible.Afterseveralreworkingsandafewscrappedsentences,there’snotmuchmoretodo.Readingitaloudonlytakeshimsofar.Asifmakingsureit’sperfectlyfreefromtyposwillchangehermind.
HerewritesthesubjectlineasI’mSorryandcheckshiswatch.She’llbeinthemiddleofSurvivalClubrightnow.Oneo’clockonSaturdayisaninnocuoustime;usually,they’dbeatacaféironingoutlogisticsfortheirnexteventbythen,sosheisn’tlikelytobeinthemiddleofanything.Heschedulesthesendtimeandshutshislaptopbeforehecancontinuehissecond-guessing.
Later,whenhe’sinbedwatchingClueless,hegetsatextfromJordan.
Jordan
Ithinkyoushouldwritetheemail.
Afewofthelastevaporatingdropletsofhopereplenishashedriftsofftosleep.CHAPTER29
LIYAHfeelslikeshit.
There’snothinglefttodo.Twodaysuntiltheexhibitionopens,andeverythingisdouble-,triple-,quadruple-checkedandreadytogo.Herbiggestcareeraccomplishmentallbutsaidanddone,andLiyah,insteadofbaskinginjoy,feelslikeshit.
ShetoldNeenasmuch.Iwonderwhytheyrepliedviatext.Theyrefusedtoexplainfurther.Siobhanhasn’tbeenmuchhelp,either.Mondaymorning,shegraciouslyacceptedLiyah’sapology,butsincethen,herblueeyesgoroundiftheconversationsteersanywherenearthesubjectofTheIncident.Andlastnight’sSurvivalClubonlymadeherfeelshittier.
Everythingfeltwrong.Nobodytooknotes.Jordandidn’tbringupdating(forobviousreasons),whichistantamounttoaforecastedblizzardintheSahara.Sheendedupinbedbyeleven,upeighthourslater.
Now,she’sbeenwatchingYouTubevideosinheremptyofficeforgoingonfourhours,waitingforsomeworktomaterialize.Ithasn’t.OnlyanemailfromJeff:
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:JeffChapman<jeff.chapman@fieldmuseum.org>
RE:Justgotthemembershipnumbersbackandtheylookedreallygood.Ihate
toemailyouonaSaturdaybutwantedtosharethat25–35isata150%increaseinnewmembershipratesascomparedtolastyear.Goodjob.I’llgetstartedonthatpromotionpackage.
SentfrommyiPhone
Thefirstreadgaveherajoltofexcitement,butdullerthanitshouldhavebeen.Onthesecond,third,andfourthtimes,shewasonlygraspingatwispsofsatisfaction.She’scloserthanevertoherdream,andstill,heresheis,feelinglikeshit.
Maybeit’stimetogiveup.
Shewaitsonthebusstopbench,legjigglingfromimpatienceandthecreepingchill.The146shudderstoastop,kneelingoveritsfrontwheelstoeaseherascent.
“We’llgetyouwarm,sweetheart,”thebusdriversaysassheflashesherpass,completelymisreadingLiyah’sscowl.
“Thankyou,”shemumbles,pullingdownherhoodandunwindingherscarf.Liyahfindsaseatmidwaybetweenthefrontandbackdoorstoavoidtheinevitableblastofcoolairfromthenextstop.ThepatternedpilefabricremindsherofoneofDaniel’sbutton-downs.It’shideous.Itlooksgoodonhim.
There’saseriesofadsabovetheseatsthatLiyahhasn’tseenonhercommutebefore.Theleftmostoneshowsasnorkelerswimmingwithaseaturtleandvarioustropicalfish,theSheddAquariumlogoonthebreastofthewetsuitinsharpfocus.NexttoitisanimageofhangingreplicasofSaturnandJupiterfromtheAdlerPlanetarium.Toitsright:SUE,theiconicTyrannosaurusrexfossiloftheField.ThefinalpanereadsMuseumCampus:TheCTAiswhereittakesyou.CheckusoutonTwitter@cta,Instagram@chicagocta,andfacebook.com/thecta.
Daniel’sdigitalseries,plasteredalloverhercommute.Shedidn’tknowtheyweremakingin-personadsoutofit.Theymusthavegoneupthisweek,orDanielwouldhavetoldher.
Liyah’schestfillswithanunnameddullache.Shepressesherfisttohersternum,tryingtomassageitout.Itdoesn’tbudge.
Withscreechingbrakes,thebusarrivesatWashington,itsdriverwishingthedisembarkingpassengersquickarrivalstosomewheresafeandwarm.LiyahdescendsthestairstotheLplatform,mindnumbingalongsideherbody.It’sgood,theblankness.Safe.
Sheboards,andthereitis:anotheradseries.Thistime,apictureoftherockwallatMaggieDaleyPark,nexttothepretentiouslytitledCloudGatethatlocalsandtouristsalikeknowas“TheBean,”followedbytheJayPritzkerPavilion.MillenniumPark:TheCTAiswhereittakesyou
Onanothercar,anothertrain,anotherbus,there’llbeshotsoftheLincolnParkZoo,therivalbaseballstadiums,theChicagoPublicLibrary,theRiverwalk,LakeMichigan.TheCTAiswhereittakesyou
Ifitwerelastweek,she’dpulloutherphoneandtextDanielaselfie,flatteningherhairenoughforhimtomakeouttheadsinthebackground.Butit’snot,andtheirtextthreadhasbeenonDoNotDisturbsincelastSaturdaymorning.Nonotificationsbecauseshedoesn’twanttoknowifhe’stextedher.Orworse,ifhehasn’t.
Thepainsharpensandoh!Herecomethetears.They’resilent,andshe’salmostatherstop.Ifshe’sgoingtocryinpublic,atleastthere’sthat.
Thefour-minutewalkhomefeelsincrediblylong,onaccountofthewholecrying-in-publicthing.Shecan’thelpit,though,thewaterworksjustkeepcoming.She’dprobablyfeelhumiliated,butthere’snomoreroominherchest.
Inside,shiveringandstillcrying,Liyahstripsdowntohersweaterandherunderpants,headingtoherbedroomtorollonfreshfuzzysocks.Shewithdrawsathrowblanketfromthebasketshekeepsneartheradiator(aboutseveninchesawayyieldstheperfectwarmth)andwrapsherselfinit,hobblingovertothekitchentostartsomeherbaltea.Whenthekettlewhistles,thetearsarestillfalling.It’shightimeshetextsNeen.
Shenearlydropsherphoneandhermugofteawhensheseestheemailnotification.Subjectline:I’mSorry.
Nonononope.Nope!Ican’treadthat.ShouldIreadthat?Fuck.
Pacingacrossherlivingroom,sheFaceTimesNeen.Then,rememberingthestateofherappearance,shequicklyhangsup.
Sheshouldn’thavebothered.It’snosurprisethatherphoneimmediatelylightsupwithareturnedvideocall.They’llbesuspiciousifshetriestoswitchtoaudioonly.God,whatamess,shethinksassheswipestoanswer.
“JesusChrist,C-J.We’reatburritoblanketstage?”
“It’scoldout,”Liyahweaklyprotests,notbotheringtowipehereyes.
“Youarecryinginaburritoblanket.Ididn’tthinkyou’dletitgothisfar.”
“Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mfeelingrightnow,Neen!You’resointouchwithyourfeelings,andIjustdon’thaveany,untilIdo,andthenIcan’tevenfigureoutwhattheyare.”
“Nothavingfeelingsandignoringthefeelingsyouhavearenotthesamething.”
Liyahshrugs.“Itworksforme.”
“No,dummy,itdoesn’t.”Liyahglares.Neenmakestheirandwhataboutit?face.“You’rebeingadummy;I’mgonnacallyouadummy.”
“I’mgonnahangup.”
“Andhaveameltdownbyyourself?Tryagain.Haveaseat,andlet’sgothroughit.”
Liyahwaddlesovertohercouch(slowly,lestshespillscaldingchamomile)andsetsherphoneonthecoffeetablesothatshecanwarmbothherhandswithhertea.“TodayIwasatwork,butIdidn’tdoanywork,andthenIwatchedsomevideos,andIwenttomybusstop.”
Neenshowsthepalmoftheirhand.“No.DonotgivemetheBuzzFeedlisticleversionofyourday.Usesomeemotionwords.”
“Stopactinglikemyparent,”Liyahsnaps.
“Happily,thesecondyoustopactinglikeachild.”
They’reright.“God,okay.”Liyahshiftsinherseat.“Well,IwokeupearlybecauseDanieldidn’tcometoSSCanditendedearly.Ifelt…restless.IusuallyworkwithhimatacoffeeshoponSaturdays.”Shehateshowsmallhervoicesoundswhenshesayshisname.“So,IwenttotheofficeinsteadandIfelt…”Sheshakesherhead.“Idon’tknowthewordforthisone.”
“Okay,continue,andwe’llcirclebackifweneedto.”
Liyahnods.“Ileft,andwhenIgotonthebus,theseatpattern…”No,that’stooembarrassingtosay.“Well,Isatdown,andthenIsawthisseriesofadsthatDanielmade.Hedidalotoftheworkforitwhilesittingnexttome,whenIwasdoingstufffortheexhibit.Itwasalldigital,IhadnoideatheCTAhadmadethemphysical.Itmust’vehappenedsinceIlasttalkedtohim.Itmademychestache.”
“Youmisshim.”
“Yeah,Ido.”Liyah’smindhadn’tquitestitchedthatonetogether.“Wow,Ireallydo.ImissSweetPotato,too.She’dsitonmychestandmakemefeelbetter,andthenIwouldn’tneedyouanymore.”
Neenrollstheireyes.“Yeah,yeah.Goon.”
“Igotoffthebusandontothetrainandthereweremoreadshedid.That’swhenIstartedcrying.AndnowIcan’tstop.”
“Andyoufeel…?”
Liyahpouts.“Shitty.”
Neenlaughs.“Notveryspecific,butit’sastart,Iguess.Whenyoutalkedtohimaboutwhathappened,whatdidhesay?”
“Nothing.Or,rather,Ididn’ttalktohim.”
“C-J,whatthefuck?Hashecalled?Textedyou?”
“Hecalledatfirstbutstopped.Idon’tknowifhetexted.”Sheavertshereyes,suddenlyfascinatedbythephilodendroninthecorneroftheroom.
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tknow?”
Liyahsinksintoherblanket,lettingitcoverherchinandmouth.“IputhimonDoNotDisturb.”
“C-J,whatthefuck?”Neenexclaims,aghast.
“Hesentmeanemail.WhenIcalledyou.Ican’treadit.”
“Whynot?Isitreallythatbadtoseesomeonesaytheyloveyou?I’mhonestlygettingtiredofthis,C-J.”
“Hedoesn’tloveme!”
“Evenyou’renotthatfuckingobtuse.”
“I’mnotobtuse!That’swhatwearguedabout.Isaidhewasn’tinlovewithme.Becausehe’snot.Youknowwhatthesubjectoftheemailwas?‘I’mSorry.’Whatdoyouthinkthatmeans,huh?”
“Itmeansthathe’ssorryforsayingitinpublic.Anybodywhoknowsyouwellwouldexpectthattobeshocking.Ormaybehe’ssorryforsummercamp.Orboth!”
“Oritmeansthathe’ssorryforsayingit,period!Itmeanshewantstotakeitback,asanyoneintheirrightmindwould,becauseinwhatworldwouldheloveme?”
“Inthisone,Aliyah!That’swhatyou’reafraidof?That’sactuallystupid.”
“Don’tcallmestupid!”Liyahsnaps.
“Thendon’tbestupid!”Neensnapsrightback.“Haveyoudecidedwhythisissoscaryforyou?Becausethat’stheonethingIcan’tdoforyou.AsmuchasImaywantto.”
TheacheinLiyah’schestexpandsandcontracts,twistsandturns,slowlymorphingintosomethingshemightbeabletoname.“Idon’tthinkIcandothis,Neen.”
“Youcan,Ipromise.”
“CanIcallyouback?IthinkIneedtoreadwhathesentme.”
“IfIdon’thearfromyouintwohours,I’mcallingyourmom.”
“Youwouldn’tdare—”Neenhasalreadyhungup.
Liyahstands,sheddingherblanketcocoon.Shecandothis.Ifhesaystoforgetit,thathedoesn’tloveheranditwasallabigmistake,she’llbefine.Right?Nothingshedoesn’talreadyknow.Allsheneedstodoisgrabherphone.Shereachesforit,onlytodrawbackandflexherhands.Circlesthecoffeetableonce,twice.Drawsthelineatthreetimes.Shesnatchesthephonequicklyandgingerly,asthoughitmightburnher.
Herthumbheadstohermailapp.
No,notyet.Maybecheckifhe’stextedfirst,that’seasier.
Butwhatifhehasn’t?
Sheshiftsherweightfromlegtoleg,takingafewdeepbreaths.Voicemail.Hecalledfirst,that’swhereshe’llstart.
“Hey,Liyah.”
Thesoundofhisvoicecracklingthroughherphonespeakersmakesherheartthud
“Igetwhyyouranout;Iknowwebothsaidsomethings…Canwetalktomorrow?Wecanmeetsomewhere,orIcouldcometoyou,orwhateverworks.Ifeellikeitwouldbebesttotalkinperson.Ihopeyousleepwell.”
“Hey,Liyah.Iknowyoudidn’tcallbackortextoranythingaftermymessagelastnight,butIwantedtoletyouknowthatIstillwanttotalk.IknowIneedtoapologize,andallI’maskingforisthechancetodoitface-to-face.I’llbeatBee’sKneesonDivisionandWolcottatone.It’saroundthecornerfromyou.Icanstayaslongasyouneed.Ifyouwanttomeetanywhereelse,justletmeknow.I’msureSweetP.wouldlovetoseeyou.Talktoyousoon,bye.”
“Ihopeyoudidn’tcomeearlyandleavebeforeIgotthere.IstayeduntilclosingbutIdidn’tseeyou.Ifyoudon’twanttotalkinperson,that’sokay.Ijust,I…Icareaboutyouawholelot.Idon’twanttoloseyourfriendship.Pleaseletmeapologize.Callmebackwhenever.Itookmyphoneoffsilent,soI’llhearit.”
Thatthinginherchestcoagulates.Sheswipesthroughhertextmessagethreads,findingthedarkenedonewiththelittlecrescentmoonicon.Sheclicks.Fivemessages,spreadoverfivedays.
Daniel
hey,ithoughti’dtrytext,sinceiknowyoudon’talwayscheckyourvoicemail.justwantyoutoknowthati’mstillavailablewhenevertocallorlink,lmk
wouldyouwanttotalktonight?i’llbuyyouacoffeeorabeerorsomething.ipromisenottotaketoomuchofyourtime.youcanlayintomeifyouwant,ideserveit.
i’msorryifthatlastmessagesoundedtooglib.i’mnotexactlysurewhattosayhere.imessedup,andireallyhopeyou’llgivemeachancetoexplainoverthephone.likeisaid,myringerison,socallwhenever.
igetthatyoudon’twanttotalktome,butistilloweyouanapology.ifisentyouanemailexplaining,wouldyoureadit?youcanlikethismessagetoconfirm,youdon’thavetoreply.
idon’texpectyoutorespondtothis.idon’twanttomakeyouuncomfortable,soi’mlettingthecrewknowiwon’tbetheretonight.ifyouchangeyourmind,youknowhowtoreachme.
Thethingisgainingsentienceandstartingtorattleherribcage.Sherubsherchestandwipeshereyes.OhmyGod,shemisseshim.Onlytheemailnow.MaybesheshouldjustforwardittoNeen,makethemreaditaloudsoshedoesn’thavetolook.Ha.They’llnevergoforit.Herteethsinkdeeplyintoherbottomlipasshebracesforimpact.
To:AliyahCohen-Jackson<a.cohen.jackson@fieldmuseum.org>
From:DanielRosenberg<dwrosenberg@kinley.com>
RE:I’mSorry
Liyah—
I’mnotsureifyou’llreadthis,butIhopeyoudo.ItfeelsimportantthatIsenditanyway.Maybethatisn’tfairtoyou,butheregoes.
Iamso,sosorryforwhere,when,andhowItoldyou.Itwasn’tright,anditwasn’tthoughtful.I’mevenmoresorrythatIsaidyouwere“unfeeling.”Iwassohurtbyyourresponse,andIspokeinanger.Iknowyoutrytoconcealit,butyouareoneofthemostfantasticallyempatheticpeopleI’veevermet.I’malsososorrythatIdidn’tfindawaytowarnyouallthoseyearsago.AboutMaccabiah,aboutallofit.
Otherthanthat,whatIsaidwastrue.I’minlovewithyou,Liyah.Iprobablyshouldhavetoldyouearlier,andIdefinitelyshouldhavetoldyouinprivate.Thatdoesn’tmakeitanylesstrue.Iloveyou,andI’vebeeninlovewithyouforwhatfeelslikealongtimenow.Icanseeyourfacereadingthat.Rehingeyourjaw.It’strue.Ishouldneverhavepretendedotherwise.You’dthinkIwouldhavelearnedmylessonaftertellingyoutoforgetaboutthekiss—Iregrettedthatthesecondyoutoldmeyouhadn’tforgotten,bytheway.I’llprobablybekickingmyselfforeveroverlosingthoseextratwoweeksofkissingyou.
Iknowyousaythatloveisn’tyourthing,butIthinksomeofthatisbecauseyoudon’tbelievesomeonecouldloveyou.I’mlivingproofthatyou’rewrong.AndIcansaywithcertaintythatevenifyoudon’twantlovefromme,you’llbeabletogetitfromsomeoneelse.You’reamazinginallthewaysthatmatter,andinsomeofthewaysthatdon’t
Iwanttostayinyourlife,ifyou’llhaveme.Ifyoudon’tlikemeromantically,I’llrespectthat.Idon’tthinkIcanhandleussleepingtogetherifthat’sthecase,butIpromiseIcanstillbeyourfriend.Itwouldbedifficultatfirst,andImightneedalittletime,butyou’remorethanworthit.
Love,
DW
It’sgrownarmsandlegsnow,andit’stryingtoclimboutofherchest.She’scryingevenharder,whichshewouldn’thavethoughtpossible.
OhmyGod.Ilovehim.
“I’minlovewithhim,”Liyahsaysaloud,andsheisansweredbythesoundofakeyturninginalock.
Beforeshehasachancetoreact,Lara/Lauraandherconservativeparentsareinthelivingroom,greetedwithahalf-naked,full-sobbingLiyah.Shesniffles.
“Oh,I—uh,didn’trealizeyouwouldbeheretoday.”
Herfine-featuredmotherfoldsherarmsacrossherchest.“Whywouldn’tshebe?Thisisherhome,too.”
La(u)raquicklystepsin.“IthoughtItoldherI’dhavetogointoworknextSaturday,andthatyouwerevisitingtoday.Imusthavemixedupthedates.”
“Uh,yeah,ormaybeIdid.Sorry.”
Theystandthere,coffeetablebetweenthem,staringblanklyuntilLa/u/ra’sfatherclearshisthroat.
“Right,yeah.I’mgoingtogotakeashower.EnjoyChicago,Mr.andMrs.…”Fuck,what’stheirlastname?
“Filmore,”hermothersupplies,lookingwide-eyedatL[a/au]ra.
“Yes,ofcourse.Couldn’trememberwhetheryouhadtakenyourhusband’snameornot.”
“Whywouldn’tIhavetakenhisname?We’remarried!”Mrs.Filmoresays,lookingmorehorrifiedatthesuggestionthananyotherpartoftheexchange.
“Right.I’llbegoing.”
Liyahandher“roommate”mouthsorryatoneanotherbeforeshescurriesofftothebathroom.
Daniel,shethinksasthewaterrunsoverher,thesoundsoftheFilmores’exitfilteringthroughthedoor.IloveDaniel!Whowould’vethought?
Literallyeverybodyelse,itseems,whenNeenpicksupthephone.
“Whyareyouactinglikethisissoobvious?It’sabigdiscoveryforme.”
“C-J,Iloveyou,andyou’rebrilliant,butyoucanbereallyslowsometimes.I’veknownthewholetime.I’dbetJordanandSiobhandid,too.”
“Surelynotthewholetime.”
“Sinceyoutoldmeyoutwowerehavingsex,Iknewyouwereeitherinloveoronyourwaythere.”
“I’vetoldyouabouthavinggoodsexbefore!”
Neencluckstheirtongue.“Yeah,butyou’veneverwaxedpoeticaboutit.‘Oh,weweresoconnected,it’slikewecouldcommunicatewithjustourbodies,blahblahblah.’Youshould’veheardyourself.Allthataboutaman,noless.IneverthoughtI’dseetheday.”
Liyahburiesherfaceinherhands.“Ihateyousomuch.”
“No,youdon’t,youloveme.AndyouloveDaniel.”
Sheisn’tgoodwithwordsthewayDanielis,soshe’dneverbeabletogetoutwhatsheneedstosayoveremail.There’ssomethingshecando,though,andshepullsoutherlaptopthesecondshegetsoffthephonewithNeen.She’sbrimmingwithnervousexcitementandlovethat’snowaliving,breathingthinginherchest.
Thatnight,shebarelysleeps.Thenextone’snotmuchbetter.CHAPTER30
DANIELcannotwaitfortheworkdaytoend.Thismorning,hedebatedpackingachangeofclothessohewouldn’tshowupinhisworksuit.Byfourthirty,he’sgladhedecidedagainstit.He’sbouncingoutofhisseatwithimpatienceandthethoughtofstayinghereasecondlongerthanhehastomakeshimwanttostuffhisheadinhisrarelyusedfilingcabinetandcloseit.Repeatedly.
Thesecondstickbyevenmoreslowlythantheydidlastweek.Thisburgeoninghopeisboundtodestroyhim.
Ataquartertofive,Jordanappearsinhisdoorway.“It’sgonetakeyoutwentyminutestogetthere,justgo.”
“Ifeelweirdleavingbeforefive.”
“It’sonetime,man.Ifanyonesaysanything,Igotyou,”hereplies,andDaniel’salreadystandingupandslidinghislaptopsleeveintohismessengerbag.“Youready?”
Danielshakeshishead.“OhGod,notatall.”
“Bringitin,”Jordansays,armsoutstretched.Theyhugtightly,andJordandrawsback,squeezingDaniel’sshoulder.“Yougotthis.She’sbeenflirtingwithyousincethemomentyoumet,remember?”
“Antagonizing.”
Hegrins.“Samedifference.”
Danieldrumshisfingersonhiskneetheentireridethere.He’dprobablydoitonthewalkfromthebusstop,upthemarblesteps,andtotheticketingdeskifitwereanatomicallypossible.Withonlyonehandfree,hefumbleswithhisphone,tryingtopulluptheconfirmationemail.
“Wouldyouliketoputthatdown,honey?”theelderlywomanatthekioskasks,gesturing.
“Oh!Yeah,thatwouldprobablybeeasier.”Hemanagestoretrievethemessageandpresentthebarcodetobescanned.Thewoman—hernametagreadsVIOLET—handshimaphysicalticketandwisheshimagoodvisit.“Thankyou,Violet.”
“Anythingforyou,sugar.”Shewinks.HisconfidencelevelsshootdangerouslyclosetoJordan’sashemakeshiswayoutintothelobby.
ItoccurstoDanielthathedoesn’treallyknowwhattodo.TheemailLiyahsenttheticketinwasonlytwowordslong:foryou.He’snoteventotallysureheinterpreteditcorrectly.Maybeit’saconsolationprize.Idon’tloveyou,ourfriendshipisover,butIfeellikeIoweyouatickettotheexhibitIwouldn’tshutupaboutforthelastsixmonths.Sorry!Liyahwouldn’tdothat,hedoesn’tthink,buthealsodidn’tthinkshe’dignorehimforaweek,so…
Heheadstowardthestairs.Shouldhelookaroundfirst?Orgostraightthere?Maybesheexpectedhimtomeetherinheroffice.Butthen,whysendtheticket?Heshouldhavetextedherfirst.Exceptshestillhasn’ttextedhim,andsextupletextingwithnoresponsemustbesomesortoffederaloffense.
TheoriginalplanwastoseeEvolvingUs,sothat’swhathe’lldo.Heascendstwostepsatatime,avoidingeyecontactwiththepassingmuseumgoers.Thestairwellopensacrossfromtheexhibit,andhetakestheopportunitytostudythefa?adeashecircumventstheatrium.Thelogoispunchyandeye-catchingbuteasytoread;Siobhan’sdoneexcellentwork.
NosignofLiyah.
Hepausesattheentrance,heartracing,unsureofhisnextmove.Shouldhegoin?Maybeshewantstotalktohimafterhe’sfinishedtheexhibit.Ormaybeshedoeswanthimtogotoheroffice,afterall.Butagain,whytheticket?Hewasn’tlyingtoJordan.He’snotreadyforthis.
TheheatintheFieldfeelslikeit’ssettomaximum.Hesetshisbagandwintercoatonthebenchbytheentranceandremoveshissuitjacket,rollinghisshirtsleevestohiselbows.Resistingtheurgetohanghisheadinhishands,hetakesaseatandpullsouthisphone.Aminutepasses.
“You’renotgoingtogoin?”
Liyah.
Herchestisrapidlyrisingandfallingwithherbreath,likesheran.There’sagentleflushinhercheeks,asheepishsmileonherlips.Thetophalfofherhairispulledbackinapuffofcurls,givinghimafullviewofherdeep,darkeyesandthickbrows,themolesonherleftcheek.Sobeautiful.Allthebloodinhisbodyisreplacedwithpureadrenaline.Hestands,hidinghishandsbehindhisback.
“It’sgoodtoseeyou.”God,isitgoodtoseeher.There’samomentofsilence,andDanielawkwardlylaughs.
“I’mgladyoucame.Iwasn’tsureifyouwould.”Sheavertshereyesbriefly,theyskateuphisfaceastheyreturntohis.Hesobadlywantstotakeherhand.
“DoestheticketmeanwhatIthinkitmeans?”
Shenods.
Hischeekssplitwithagrin.“Andthatis…?”
HE’SGOINGTOmakeherspellitout,whichshewaspreparedfor.Butnow,itfeelslikethere’sanimmovablelumpinherthroat.Hisgazeissopiercing,Liyahissurprisedhe’snotabletoreadherthoughts.
Sheswallows.“Itmeansalotofthings.”
Danielquirkshiseyebrow.“Likewhat?”
Liyahtakesadeepbreath.“Like,I’msorry.Forbringingupsummercamp.You’reright,youhadalreadyapologized.Thatwaspetty.AndI’msorryfordoingtheairquotes,andforstormingout,andfornotreadingyourtexts,andfornotcontactingyousooner.”
“And?Whatelsedoesitmean?”
“AndImissyou.Somuchit’sstupid.ImissyouformeandImissyoufortherestoftheclub.Iwasreallydownthelastfewdays.”Shesaysittohisneck.
“And?”Daniel’sAdam’sapplebobs.
Sheglancestotheexhibitentrance,hereveryinstincttellinghertoescape.Butshewon’trun.Danielisworthmorethanthat.Atlast,Liyahmeetshiseyes.“AndIloveyou.Iamfullyinlovewithyou.I’mverysetinmyopinionssometimes,butifthere’sanybodywhocouldchangemymindonthis,it’syou.IneverthoughtI’dfeelsafewithsomeonelikethis,butitfeelsgoodtobecaredfor,andtocareforyou.I’vefeltthiswayformostofthetimeI’veknownyou,butIwassosureIcouldn’tbeinlove,becauseIthoughtthatlovemeantrejection.Maybeitstillwill,butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatI’minlovewithyou.Idon’tknowhowIthoughtIwasn’t,butI’mgladIknownow.Ifyou’llhaveme,thatis.Ifnot,thenI’malittlelessglad,butIguessit’sbetterthannotknowing.”
Danielregardshercarefully.“You’resure?Youcouldhavecalledmeormetupanyotherdaythisweek.”
Liyahnods.“Morethansure,Daniel.IfinallyrealizedonSaturday—”
“Youcouldhavetoldmethisyesterday!?”
“IneededtofigureoutwhatIwasgoingtosay!Thisdoesn’tcomeeasytome,youknow.”
“Iknow.Butyou’resure?”
Sheflickshimonhisexposedforearm.“Yes,DanielWoo-jinRosenberg,fortheeightiethtime,I’msure.”
“ThankGod,”hesays,findingthesmallofherbacktopullherin.Then:“CanIkissyou?”
Sheanswersbyrisingupandpressingherlipstohis.Nottoomuch,she’stechnicallyatwork,butenoughforhertorememberjusthowmuchshelovesthefeelofhislipsagainsthers,herhandonhisjaw,hisfingersatthebackofherneck,thesmellofhim.OldSpiceFijiandfreshlaundryandthejusthimbit.
Whentheyseparate,hewearsadopeysmilethatmustmatchherown.“Igotyouthis,”hesays,insertingasmallpotintothenarrowspacebetweenthem.
“Yougotmeacactus?”
“Ithoughtaboutflowers,butthenIthoughtyou’dtellmethatgettingyouadeadplantwaswasteful.Iwasn’tsurehowthiswasgoingtogo,andIdon’ttrustmyselftogrowanythingmorecomplicated.”
Liyahlaughsandkisseshimagain,notcaringwheretheyare.“Iloveit.”
“Asmuchasyouloveme?”
“Notevenclose.”Shewrinkleshernose.“Lookatme,allmushyandgross.Don’tgetusedtoit.”
“Iwouldn’tdreamofit.”
“Youknow,youhaven’tsaidyoulovemeyet.”
“Isaiditfirst!”
Liyahgiggles.“Inabarwithallourfriends,andthenoveremail!Thatdoesn’tcount.”
“Oh,mybad,”hesays,wrappingherupinatighthug.Shepositivelymeltsagainsthim.“Iloveyou,Liyah.So,somuch.”
Shegigglesagain.(Whatiswrongwithher?)“Whatnow?”
“Ithinkwe’retogethernow,forreal.”
“Daniel,Imeantlikewhatarewedoingfortherestoftheevening.”
“Oh.Doyouhaveanymoreworktodo?”
“Nope.Spentthewholedaycelebrating,andSiobhanevenconvincedJeffonMalnati’sforlunch.Everyoneelsewenthomeatlikethree;IstayedinmyofficetryingnottohyperventilateuntilViolettoldmeyou’darrived.”
Danielshakeshishead,thenleansintopressakisstoherforehead.“Youknow,youreallycouldhavejustsentmeatext.Wouldhavesavedusbothalotofstress.”
Liyahstepsback,justsohecanseeherrollhereyes.“Where’sthespiceinthat?Theflavor?Comeon,youcandropyourstuffinmyofficeandthenI’llshowyoutheexhibition.”Sheslingshisbagoverhershoulder,takeshishand,andleadshimthroughadoorlabeledSTAFFONLY
Whenthedoortotheofficeclicksshut,Danielasks,“Whatconvincedyouthatyoulovedme,intheend?”
“Asidefromfeelinggenerallymiserablewhileweweren’ttalking—”
“Whileyouweren’ttalkingtome.”Hesmiles,butit’stentative.
“Right,thatwasbad,”Liyahrepliessoftly.Shereachesuptocuphischeek.“Ipromisenottodothatagain.”
Danielleansintoherhand,hissmilebrighteningseveralwatts.“Thankyou.”
“AsIwassaying,”Liyahstarts,droppingherhandtohisshoulder.“Asidefromgeneralmiserableness,Isawyouradsonthetrainandstartedcrying.”
Thehandthatisn’tholdinghisjacketfindsitswaytothesmallofLiyah’sback.“Wow,Iknewtheyweregood,butIdidn’tthinktheywerethatgood,”hedeadpans.
“Iwasn’tcryingattheads,IwascryingbecauseImissedyou,youidiot.”
AslowsmilespreadsacrossDaniel’sface.“Iknow.”
“Iknowyouknow.Ijustwantedtocallyouanidiot.Now,pleaseputyourshitdownsoyoucanreallykissme.”
“Whatabouttheexhibit?”heasks,buthedoeswhatshesays.Thistime,hekissesherlongandslow,andshefeelsashiverzipfromhernecktohertoes.
“It’llstillbethereinfifteenminutes,”shesaysagainsthismouth.
“Hmm…”
“Justkissing,Ipromise.Siobhanworksinthisoffice,too.”
“We’renotgonnahavesexinyouroffice?I’mhurt.”Danielpouts,andLiyahwondersifthere’saseedoftruthinhisfeigneddisappointment.
“OnlybecauseIexplicitlypromisedSiobhanthatwewouldn’t.”Shebrushesthestraystrandsofhairoffhisforehead,trailingherfingerdown,andcupshischeekoncemore.Hereyeslingeronhislips.“Justkissing,”shemutters,mostlyremindingherself.
Danieldoesherfavoritecrookedsmile.Theoneshelovesso,somuch.“Givemetwentyminutesandyou’vegotadeal.”EPILOGUE
Threeyears(andsomechange)later
“LI!I’mhome,”Danielcalls,tonoresponse.Fromthefoyer,hespiesabowlofpopcornandtwounopenedbeersonthetable:onesourandoneIndiapaleale.It’sMonday,whichmeansthey’resupposedtobewatchingtwenty-fivemenattempttoseduceonewoman—Liyahprefersthistotheinverse,asshethinksthe“fragilemaleegos”makeforbetterdrama.Havingsampledbothovertheseasons,Danielmustagree.
Hewalkspasttheframedpictureoftheircampcohort.ThirdrowontheendisatinyLiyahmakingeventinierbunnyearsbehindDaniel’shead.ItwasKayla’sbirthdaypresenttohimthisyear—thoughheusesthewordpresentloosely,givenhowunfortunatehelookedatthatage.Itcan’tbegoodforyourmentalhealthtostareatapictureofthirteen-year-oldyou,mid-blinkandmetalmouthed,overcoffeeeverymorning.
Twobeers,butnoLiyah.Thebathroomisempty,asisthebedroom,wherehedropshisgymbag.
Cometothinkofit,SweetPotatodidn’tgreethimatthedoor.It’snotastrangeoccurrenceonnightswhenLiyahgetshomefirst;thecatlearnedthathe’llcometowhereversheissoonenough.
Thelastroomtocheckistheoffice/library/indoorjunglethatoncebelongedtoLora—whothefuckspellsLaurathatway?YougobyLeah,spelledL-I-Y-A-H!Shutit,DW
Thedoorisslightlyajar,andwhenDanielpushesitopen,he’sgreetedwithanexcellentviewofLiyah’sassinhisfavoritejeancutoffsofhers.Asitturnsout,theyweremade—oratleasttailoredonNeen’ssewingmachine—specificallyforher.She’skneelingonthefireescape,presumablyholdingtheircatjustbeyondhisview.
“Dropit,Sweep,I’mbeggingyou.”LiyahdecidedaboutamonthintotheirofficialrelationshipthatSweetP.didn’trolloffthetongueeasilyenoughandbegancallingherSweepyinstead.ThatbastardizationwaseventuallyconvertedtoSweep,whichhasevolvedintotheoccasionalBristles,Broomstick,oronceevenMopBucket.Liyahrulenumber32:donotpointoutthatthosenamesaresyllabicallyidenticaltoorlongerthanSweetP.
“What’sshegot?”Danielasks,leaningonthedoorframe.
Liyahyelpsandwhipsaround,stoppingjustshortofslammingherheadintothehalf-openwindowshe’dclimbedthrough.“God,Daniel.Youscaredme.”
“Sorry.”
“Shehasadeadmouseinhermouth.It’ssobigIthoughtitwasarat.”
“Ihopeyouthankedherforherpestcontrolservices.”
“Shetriedtodropitinmylap,Daniel.Mylap.”Shedipsherheadandwhispers,“Thankyou,SweetPotato,”anyway.It’soneofthosemomentsthatmakesDanielfallinlovewithheralloveragain.
“Here,letmetry.”Danielfoldshimselfthroughthewindow,joiningLiyahonthesteelgrate.SweetPotatoblinksupathim,pupilsroundandinnocent,amousethesizeofherheaddeadandbloodiedbetweenherjaws.“Holdherovertherailingalittlemore,butdon’tdropher.”
“I’mnotgoingtodropher!”
HereacheshishandunderSweetPotato’sneck,carefultoavoidtherodentcarcass,andgivesitasofttickle.Sureenough,shedropsherprey,andDanielandLiyahwatchasitsailstotheemptysidewalkbelow.
“IswearItriedthatthreetimesalready,”Liyahgrumbles,finallyusheringthecatbackinside.“Youjusthavemagicfingers.Also,hi.Yousmellgood.”
“I’mallsweatyfromclimbing.”
“Yeah,that’swhatIsaid.”
Danielgrins.“Youlooooveme,”hesings.
“ThatIdo,”shereplies,andslipsbackthroughthewindow.He’sglad,otherwisethatringboxhehidinthepocketofhissuitcaseforthisyear’striptoSanFranciscowillbeahorriblewaste.
Whenthey’rebothfirmlyonsolidground,shepullsonthechestofhisdryfitshirt,drawinghimintoasweetkisshello
“Showerquickly,IneedtoknowwhathappensbetweenMattS.andMattC.”
Hedoesashe’stold,mixinginadollopofLiyah’slavenderconditionertohisown.Herhairproductsareheavilymoisturizingandleavehishairweighed-downandgreasy—helearnedfromexperience—buthelovesthescentsomuchthathefoundaway.Theynevertalkedaboutit,butatsomepoint,LiyahstoppedbuyingheraloedeodorantandstartedusinghisOldSpiceinstead.Helikesthethoughtofthemcarryinglittlebitsofeachotheraroundeachday,apleasantreminderwheneverhefrustratedlyrunshisfingersthroughhishairatwork.Hesupposesthatmeansshe’sremindedofhimwhenshestress-sweats,buthetriesnottothinkaboutthattoohard.It’scute.It’sdefinitelyacutecouplething.
There’salothelovesaboutlivingwithLiyah.Perhapshisfavoriteiswakingupnexttohereverymorning,nomatterhowgrumpysheis.Helovesthatshepokesfunathim,alwayskeepinghimonhistoes,butissononjudgmentalaboutthethingsthatmatter.Thefirsttimeshecaughthimtalkingtohisdad,sheintroducedherself,kissedDanielonthecheek,andlefttheroom.Helovesthathecanbetheretoholdher,skintoskin,coachingherthroughdeepbreathswhenanightmarewakesher.Helovesthatshe’salwayswillingtotalkorlistenwhenheneedsit,howsheneverrusheshimtofigureouthisemotions.Heloveshowmuchsheloveshiscat.
Therearehardthings,too.Likewhenhepushesherawayonbaddaysandshesnapsathim,orhowshesometimesgoessilentinsteadofaskingfortheloveshewants.Butthey’realwaystrying,andthegoodfaroutweighsthebad.
“Dee-Dubs,yourbeerisgettingwarm!”
DANIELEMERGESFROMtheshower,hairwildfromhisalwaysaggressivetoweldrying,innaughtbutapairofboxerbriefs.Liyahhadtoacclimateherselftohispropensityforwalkingaroundshirtlesswhenhemovedin.Howhedoesn’tfreezeundertheair-conditioning,she’llneverknow,butrainorshine,he’shalf-nakedatthefirstopportunity.She’scometoseetherolledshirtsleevesasanincredibleexerciseofself-restraintratherthanself-indulgence.
She’scometoseealotofthingsaboutDanieldifferently.Allofthemmakeherlovehimevenmore.It’samazinghowlongyoucanspendgettingtoknowsomeone;she’dalwaysassumedthatoncearelationshipwascountedinyearsinsteadofmonths,therewouldbelittlelefttodiscover.Forthefirsttimeinherlife,she’shappytoadmitthatshewaswrong.She’dliketokeeplearningaboutDanielindefinitely,ifhe’llhaveher.Maybeoneday,she’llmakeNeenherTheydofHonor(thenameisaworkinprogress,bearwithher).Shockingly,shewouldn’tmindifitweresoon.
“WhichMattarewerootingfor,again?C.?”Danielasksashetakeshisusualspotonthesofa,leaningagainstoneofLora’satrociousthrowpillows.OrDaniel’s,now,ashespentfifteenwholedollarstokeepthemwhenLoramovedout.Liyahwisheshehadwithdrawnthemoneyincashandsetitonfireinstead.
“No,S.!C.’stheonewhostartedit.”Hishandfallstoherthigh;shefiddleswiththefriendshipbraceletAvimadehimduringhisfreshmanorientationatNorthwestern.
“Istillcouldn’ttellhalfthesewhiteguysapartiftherewasaguntomyhead.”
“Maybethat’ssecretlytheproducers’intent.Iftheyalllookthesame,thenit’stheonewiththebestemotionalconnectionthatwinsout.”
“Yes,it’strulyaboutthedepthandcomplexityofhumanrelationships,that’swhythey’reexpectedtogetengagedafterapproximatelytwenty-twohourstogether,”hedeadpans.
There’snorealargumentthere,soLiyahglaresathimandpressesplay.ShelovestheseMondaynights,whentheworkweekhasyettorendereitherofthemtootiredforextendedconversation,andtheycanflirtandbanterandyellattheTV,Sweepyperiodicallyswitchingbetweentheirlapsandthecattreethat’snearlyDaniel’sheight.Theyusuallyrushtotheirsharedbedroomthemomenttheepisodeends,butoftentheydon’tmakeitoffthecouch,DanielhavingtracedtoomanytantalizingcirclesonLiyah’sskinforhertoresist.Onoccasion,theymakeithalfway,endinguponthefloororagainstawall.
Together,they’restillworthyofpoetryandprose.
Tonightisacouchnight.Afterward,havingdecidedthatpopcornwasnot,infact,asuitabledinner,theystandnakedinthekitcheneatingcoldpizzastraightfromtherefrigerator.AclumpofcheesefallsfromDaniel’sslice.SweetPotatoracestowarditbuthescoopsherupbeforeshecangetthere,holdingherunnecessarilyhighabovehishead.Inapanickedvoice,heasksLiyahtopickitupbeforeitcanupsethisbaby’stummy.Liyahlaughshysterically,andit’soneofthosemomentsthatmakesherfallinlovewithhimalloveragain.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TheveryfirstpersonIneedtothankisBetsy,withoutwhomIcantrulysaythisbookwouldnotexist,period.Thankyouforyoursupport,gushingemails,FaceTimeswhenIhadnoideawheretogonext,andundyingloveforDanielandLiyah.Youareanincrediblefriendandinvaluablebeta(andalpha!)reader.
ThankyoutoClaire,theLiyahtomyNeen,theNeentomyLiyah.Loveyouoodles,babe.
Allmyfriendswhoreadadraftorofferedsupportinanyform(inparticular,Alex,Anj,Chapla,Isabella):thatmeanttheworldtome.ThankyoutoKarenKongWilsonforlovingDanielandLiyahevenintheirearliestdraft.Yourloveofromancenovelsisthegiftthatkeepsongiving.
Thankyou,Mom,foryourunconditionallove.Andforreadingtheveryfirstdraftandgivingmefeedback,despitetheembarrassmentthe1.5sexscenesmayhavecausedyou.Thankyou,Dad,forreadingthedraftthateventuallysold,eventhoughyouhadtoreadthosesceneswithoneeyeclosed.Iwillforeverbeflatteredthatyoubothreadaromancenovelforme.Thankyoutotherestofmyfamily,whoI’msurewillhaveboughtacopy,evenifyouneverchoosetoreadit.Ipromiseit’sokayifyoudon’t(seeaforementioned1.5sexscenes).
Tomyemotionalsupport2022debutauthors,AvaWilderandSamMarkum:thankyouforyourkindness,yourfriendship,yourguidance,andforalwaysprovidingaspacetovent.Sam,thereisabsolutelynowayIcouldhavesurvivedqueryingwithoutyou,anditwasyourcommentabouthowDanielandLiyahalwaysthankeachotherwhenthey’revulnerablethatsparkedtheideaforthistitle.Ava,youkeptmesanethroughthatfirstrevisionprocess,andyouropennessaboutyourpublishingjourneymadetheanxietyofmydebutyearsomuchlessawful.Mostly,youhavecontributedtoandelevatedsomanyofmycryingcat[positive]moments.Ican’tthankeitherofyouenough.Reader,ifyouhaven’talready(Iliterallycannotimaginethat,butjustincase),gocheckouttheirbooks.Iamluckytocallsuchfabulousauthorsmyfriends.
JessicaMileo,“thecall”withyouwasthehighlightofmy2021.Youareanabsolutedreamofanagent.Thankyouforyourprofessionalsupport,phonecalls,andalwaysgivingmethesensethatyouhavecompletefaithinme.Itgoeswithoutsayingthatthisbookwouldn’tbeinanybody’shandswithoutyou,butI’llsayitanyway.Iamsofortunatetohaveyouonmyteamwithyoureditorialeyeandagentingexpertise.
VickiLame,IamstillabitstarstruckthatIgettoworkwithyou.Fromthatveryfirstcall,Icouldtellthatyouunderstoodthisstory,thesecharacters,andmywritingingeneral,andIcouldn’twaittoworkwithyou.ThankyouespeciallytoVanessaAguirre.Toeveryonefromtheeditorial,publishing,design,andmarketingteamsatSMPG(RivkaHoller,BrantJaneway,LaurenAblondi-Olivo,KellyToo,OlgaGrlic,SoleilPaz,JeremyHaiting,SusannahNoel,ChrisindaLynch,NaNáStoelzle,andAnneMarieTallberg),thankyousomuchforputtingyourtimeandeffortintomakingthisbooksomethingrealthatreaderscanholdintheirhands.ThankyoutoPoppyMagda,theincrediblecoverartist
Finally,thankyoutotheindividualswhosatwithmedoingtheirownthingwhileIdrafted(or,onoccasion,triedto“help”metype),PatrickandEssi.Essi,thankyouforsittingonmylap/onmychest/bymysidethroughthedifficultparts.Patrick,thankyousomuchforlettingmereadaloudrandombitsIwasproudoforstuckon.Youheardthisstoryalloutofordertothepointwhereitwasnonsensical,butyouweresopatientwithme.Andthankyoufortheadviceabouthowmentalktoeachotherwhennowomenarepresent.Itookmostofit,andDanielandJordanareallthemorerealforit.Thankyouforlovingme.Iloveyoubothsomuchthatithurts.PraiseforThankYouforSharing
“Impossibletoputdown!Adeliciouspressure-cooker-styleslowburnofaromance,ThankYouforSharingcontainsthegreatest‘onlyonebed’sceneI’veeverhadthepleasureofreading.Notonlyistheromancedelightful,butRachelRunyaKatzhandlesthecomplexityofgriefandtraumawiththetenderestoftouches,creatingasafe,welcomingspaceforhercharactersandreadersalike.IhavenodoubtthatreaderswillfallheadoverheelsforLiyahandDaniel!”
—AlexandriaBellefleur,bestsellingandLambdaAward–winningauthorofWrittenintheStarsandTheFiancéeFarce
“RachelRunyaKatz’switty,heartfeltdebutwilltransportyoubacktothelazydaysofsummer-campcrushesandbreath-lessfirstkisses.ThankYouforSharingcombinessteamy,electricchemistrywiththoughtfulsocialcommentarytocreateanunforgettablelovestory.Thissexy,sweetromanceisadelight.”
—ReginaBlack,authorofTheArtofScandal
“Thisisafunny,gentlefriends-to-loversstorythatlingersinthequietmomentsandletsthereaderbatheintheromancethatburnsslow—butohsohot.Aperfectreadtoescapeintoonarainydayandbebear-huggedinyourfeelingsplaces…evenifyou,likehesitantlythawingheroineLiyah,insistyoudon’thavethem.”
—JenComfort,authorofTheAstronautandtheStar
“RachelRunyaKatz’sThankYouforSharingisamagicallovestory.Thisisapoignant,sharp,andsexyromancewiththekindofcomplex,bigheartedcharactersandemotionalhonestyreaderswilladore.Ilovedit!”
—CarleyFortune,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofEverySummerAfter
“ThankYouforSharingisoneofthosebookswheresomeonewillgettoseethemselvesreflectedonthepageforthefirsttime,whetherinthecomplicationsofbeingaJewofcolor,orthevalidationofaprickly,proudwomanbeingfullylovedfor,notinspiteof,herprickliness.DanielandLiyaharebothsofullydrawn,andtheirstorywillstickwithmeforalongtime.I’msogladitexists.”
—AnitaKelly,authorofLove&OtherDisasters
“Thisbookwrappedafistaroundmyheartandrefusedtoletgo.Gorgeouslywritten,withtwomagneticleads,anirresistiblegroupoffriends,andawarmththatradiatesfromeverypage.RachelRunyaKatzisatruetalent.”
—RachelLynnSolomon,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheExTalk
“Ican’twaitforeveryonetofallheadoverheelsforThankYouforSharing.RachelRunyaKatzhasasparkling,singularvoice:witty,observant,razor-sharp,anddevastatinglytender.ItreasuredeverymomentIspentwithDaniel,Liyah,andtherestofthevivid,complexsupportingcast.Thisbookisagift.”
—AvaWilder,authorofHowtoFakeItinHollywoodABOUTTHEAUTHOR
RACHELRUNYAKATZisacontemporary-romancewriterlivinginSeattlewithherpartner,hercat,andfartoomanyhouseplants.ShehasaPhDinbiomedicalengineering,whichisminimallyhelpfulforthisendeavor.HerbookscenterqueerJewsofcolorandtheirlayeredlivesofjoy,sadness,andlove.ThankYouforSharingisherfirstnovel.YoucansignupforemailupdateshereThankyouforbuyingthis
St.Martin’sPublishingGroupebook.
Toreceivespecialoffers,bonuscontent,
andinfoonnewreleasesandothergreatreads,
signupforournewsletters.
Orvisitusonlineat
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
Foremailupdatesontheauthor,clickhereCONTENTS
TitlePage
CopyrightNotice
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
PraiseforThankYouforSharing
AbouttheAuthor
CopyrightThisisaworkoffiction.Allofthecharacters,organizations,andeventsportrayedinthisnovelareeitherproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.
FirstpublishedintheUnitedStatesbySt.Martin’sGriffin,animprintofSt.Martin’sPublishingGroup
THANKYOUFORSHARING.Copyright?2023byRachelRunyaKatz.Allrightsreserved.Forinformation,addressSt.Martin’sPublishingGroup,120Broadway,NewYork,NY10271.
www.stmartins.com
CoverillustrationbyPoppyMagda,Colagene
TheLibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisavailableuponrequest
ISBN978-1-250-88829-7(tradepaperback)
ISBN978-1-250-88830-3(ebook)
eISBN9781250888303
Ourebooksmaybepurchasedinbulkforpromotional,educational,orbusinessuse.PleasecontacttheMacmillanCorporateandPremiumSalesDepartmentat1-800-221-7945,extension5442,orbyemailatMacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com
FirstEdition:2023