NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheSpanishLoveDeception
TheAmericanRoommateExperiment
ANovel
ElenaArmas
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Loveisatotaldramaqueen.
It’sjustwaitingtomakeanentrance.CHAPTERONERosie
Someonewastryingtobreakintomyapartment.
Fine.Technically,itwasn’tmyapartment,butrathertheapartmentIwascurrentlystayingin.Thatdidn’tchangethefacts.BecauseiflivinginacoupleofquestionableneighborhoodsinNewYorkhadtaughtmeanything,itwasthatifsomeonedidn’tknock,theyweren’tinterestedinaskingtobeletin.
Evidencenumberone:theinsistentrattlingofthe—thankfullylocked—entrancedoor.
Thesoundstopped,allowingmetoreleasealltheairIhadbeenholdingin
Gazefixedonthelock,Iwaited.
Allright.MaybeIwaswrong.Maybeitwasaneighbormistakingthisastheirapartment.Ormaybewhoeverwasouttherewouldeventuallyknockand—
Whatsoundedlikesomeonebangingashoulderagainstthedoorstartledme,makingmejumpbackward.
Nope.
Notaknock.Probablynotaneighbor,either.
Mynextbreathwasshallow,oxygenbarelymakingittoitsdestination.Butheck,Icouldn’tblamemylungs,really.Icouldn’tevenblamemybrainfornotbeingabletoaccomplishbasicfunctionslikebreathingafterthedayI’dhad.
Acoupleofhoursago,whathadbeenmycozyandbeautifullywell-keptapartmentforthelastfiveyearshadallbutcrumbleddownonme.Literally.Andwe’renottalkingaboutacrackintheceilingandsomefallingdust.
Asectionofmyceilinggaveoutandcollapsed.Collapsed.Rightbeforemyeyes.Almostontopofme.CreatingaholelargeenoughtogiftmewithaclearviewofmyupstairsneighborMr.Brown’sprivatebitsashelookeddownatme.AndallowingmetolearnsomethingIneverneededorwantedtoknow:mymiddle-agedneighbordidnotwearanythingbeneathhisrobe.Notasinglething.
Asightthathadbeenastraumatizingashavingapieceofcementnearlyknockyoudownonyourwaytothecouch.
Andnowthis.Thebreak-in.AfterIpulledmyselftogetherenoughtogathermystuff—underMr.Brown’scarefulscrutinyandstillfreelyhanging…bits—andmadeittotheonlyplaceIcouldthinkof,giventhecircumstances,nowsomeonewastryingtoforcetheirwayin.
Whatsoundedlikeacurseinaforeignlanguagecamethrough,thenoiseagainstthelockresuming.
Oh,crap.
OutofthemorethaneightmillionpeoplelivinginNewYorkCity,ithadtobemebeingpotentiallyrobbed,hadn’tit?
Turningonthetipsofmytoes,IsteppedawayfromthedoorofthestudioapartmentIhadfledtoinsearchofshelterandletmygazedartaroundthefamiliarplace,studyingmyoptions.
Thankstotheopenplanoftheapartment,therewerenodecenthidingspots.Theonlyroomwithadoor,thebathroom,didn’tevenhavealock.Therewerenoweaponizableobjects,either,exceptforacrookedclaycandleholderbornfromalazyDIYSundayandaflimsybohostandinglampIwasn’tsureabout.Escapingthroughawindowwasn’tanoption,either,consideringthiswasasecondfloorandtherewasnofireescape
Thefrustratedswearingcamethroughmoreclearlynow.Thevoicewasdeep,musical,andthewordsIdidnotrecognizeorunderstandwerechasedbyaveryloudhuff.
Heartracing,Ibroughtmyhandstomytemplesinanattempttosubduethegrowingpanic.
Thiscouldbeworse,Itoldmyself.Whoeverisoutthereisclearlynotverygoodatthis.Atbreak-ins.Andtheydon’tknowI’minside.Foralltheyknow,theapartmentisempty.Thisgivesme—
Myphonepingedwithanotification,theloudandsharpsoundbreakingthesilence.
Andgivingmypresenceaway.
Crap
Wincing,Ilungedforthedevicethatrestedonthekitchenisland.Itcouldn’thavebeenmorethanthreeorfourstepsaway.Butmybrain,whichwasstillstrugglingwithbasicfunctionslike,let’ssay,movingthreeorfourstepsforward,miscalculatedthedistance,andmyhipcollidedwithastool.
“No,no,no,”Iheardthewordscomingoutofmymouthinawhimper,oneofmyhandsreachingout.Unsuccessfully.Because—
Thestoolcrashedagainstthefloor.
Myeyelidsfellshut.AsifmybrainwastryingtoatleastsparemethesightofthemessIhadmade.
Silencefollowedthebigbang,fillingtheroomwithwhatIknewwasafalsesenseofcalm.
Iopenedoneeye,takingapeekinthedirectionofthedoor.
Maybethiswasgood.Maybethathadscared…him?Them?Away—
“Hello?”Thedeepvoiceontheothersideofthedoorcalled.“Isanyonehome?”
Dammit
Squaringmyshoulders,Iturnedaroundveryslowly.Therewasstillachancethat—
ThejingleIhadsetforthatstupidmotivationalappI’ddownloadedearliertodayblaredthroughtheapartmentforasecondtime.
Jesus.Someonewasouttogetmetoday.Karma,kismet,fate,LadyLuck,orsomeall-powerfulentityIhadclearlypissedoff.MaybeevenMurphyandhisstupidlaw.
Ifinallygrabbedmyphonetosetthestupidthingtosilent.
Involuntarily,myeyesscannedthesupposedlyinspirationalquoteonthescreen:IFOPPORTUNITYDOESN’TKNOCK,BUILDADOOR.
“Seriously?”Iheardmyselfwhisper.
“Icouldhearthat,youknow?”Intrudersaid.“Thephone,thenthebang,thenthephoneagain.”Apause.“Areyou…okay?”
Ifrowned.Howconsiderateforapossibleburglar.
Hepressedon:“Iknowthere’ssomeoneinthere.Icanhearyoubreathing.”
Agaspofoutrageleftme.Iwasnotaheavybreather.
“Okay,listen,”Intrudersaidwithachuckle.Achuckle.Washelaughing?Atmyexpense?“I’mjust—”
“No,youlisten,”Ifinallyblurtedout,hearingmyvoicecrackandwobble.“Whateveritisthatyou’redoing,Idon’tcare.I’ve—I’ve—”I’dbeenstandingtherelikeadoofus,doingnothing.Andthatstoppednow.“I’mcallingthecops.”
“Thecops?”
“Exactly.”Iunlockedmyphonewithshakyfingers.Iwasdonewiththis…this…situation.Heck,Iwasdonewithtoday.“Youhaveafewminutestoleavebeforetheygethere.There’sapolicestationrightaroundthecorner.”Therewasn’t,andIhopedhedidn’tknowthat.“SoI’dstartrunningifIwereyou.”
Itookoneminiscule,carefulstepinthedirectionofthedoor,thenstoppedtolistenforareaction.Hopefully,thesoundofhisstepsfleeing.
ButIheardnothing.
“Areyoulistening?”Icalled,thenhardenedmyvoicebeforespeakingagain.“IhavefriendsinNYPD.”Ididn’t.TheclosestthingIhadtothatwasUncleAl,whowasasecurityguardforacompanyonFifthAvenue.Butthatdidn’tseemtoimpressIntruder,becausesilencecontinuedtofollowmystatement.“Okay,fine.Iwarnedyou.Now,I’mdialing,soit’suptoyou…mother…clinkingapartment-breaker!”
“What?”
Ignoringmyunfortunateandnotatallthreateningchoiceofwords,Isetthecallonspeakerandafewsecondslater,theemergencydispatcher’svoicefilledtheapartment.“Nine-one-one,what’syouremergency?”
“Hi—”Iclearedmythroat.“Hello.There’s…there’ssomeonetryingtobreakintheapartmentI’min.”
“Wait,you’rereallycalling?”Intruderyelped.Butthen,hesaid,“Oh,okay.Isee.”Followingthatwithanotherchuckle.Another.Chuckle.Didhefindanyofthisfunny?“Thisisajoke.”
Outragefilledmychest.“Ajoke?”
“Hello?”camefrommyphone’sspeaker.“Miss?Ifthisisn’tanemergency—”
“Oh,butitis,”Isaidimmediately.“AsIwassaying,I’mcallingtoreportabreak-in.”
Intruderspokebeforethedispatchercould,“I’mstandinginthehallway.HowhaveIbrokenin?Ididn’tevenmakeitinside.”
Nowthathewassayingmorethanacoupleofwordsatatime,Icouldhearhisaccentmoreclearly.Thewayheenunciatedcertainwordswasfamiliarandsetoffabellsomewhereinmyhead.ButIdidn’thavetimeorenergytospareforbellsrightthismoment.
“Attemptedbreak-in,”Iamended.
“Okay,miss,”thedispatcheranswered.“I’mgoingtoneedyournameandtheaddresstoyourapartment.”
“Igetit,”Intrudersaid,loudlyenoughformetotakeastepback.“Thisisoneofthosepranks.I’veseenthatshowonTVbackhome.Whatwasthenameofthatguy?Thehost.Theonewiththegoodhair.”Apause.“Nevermind.”Anotherpause.“Yougotme!Itwasareallygoodone.See,I’mlaughing,”headdedbeforebreakingintoaloudcackleandalmostshockingthephoneoutmygrip.“Now,canyoupleaseopenthisdoorandbedonewithit?It’spastmidnightandI’mexhausted.”Thehumorhadlefthisvoice.“Tellhershe’shilarious.We’llrememberthisasoneofthebestpranksinhistory.”
Tellher?
Tellwho?
Frowning,Iloweredmyvoiceandspokerightintothephone.“Didyouhearthat?Ithinkhemightbederanged.”
“Deranged?”Intruderscoffed.“I’mnotcrazy,just…tired.”SomethingdroppedtothefloorwithathudontheothersideofthedoorandIprayeditwasn’thimbecauseIwasn’tupfordealingwithanunconsciousmanontopofeverything.
“Iheard,”thedispatchersaid.“And,miss,I’m—”
“DidIgetthewrongdoororsomething?”Intruderinterrupted.
Thewrong…door?
Thatcaughtmyattention.
“Miss,”theemergencydispatcherhissed.“Yournameandtheaddresstoyourhome,please.”
“Rosie,”Isaidquickly.“I’mRosalynGrahamand…And,well,technicallythisisnotmyhome.I’matmybestfriend’splace.She’sawayatthemoment,andIneeded…aplacetostay.ButIdidn’tbreakin,obviously.Ihadakey.”
“AndIhaveakey,too,”Intruderoffered.
Arecordscratchedinmyhead.
“Impossible.”Iscowledatthedoor.“Ihavetheonlysparethatexists.”
“MissGraham.”Thedispatcher’svoicewaslacedwithannoyance.“Iwantyoutostopinteractingwiththeindividualoutsideyourdoorandshareyourlocation.We’llsendaunittocheckonthings.”
Mymouthopenedbutbeforeanywordscameout,Intruderspokeagain,“Shereallyoutdidherself.”
She.Thatsheagain.
Neitherofussaidanythingforafewseconds.Then,thesilencewasbrokenbyaheavythump.Onethatsoundedalotlikehehadjustslumpedagainsthissideoftheentrancedoor.
“She?”Ifinallyasked,ignoringthe“MissGraham?”comingfrommyphone’sspeaker.
“Yeah,”Intrudersaidsimply.“Myveryfunnyandhighlycreativelittlecousin.”
Abreathgotstucksomewherebetweenmyribcageandmouth.
Littlecousin.
She.
Theintruder’sthickaccentthatissoterriblyfamiliar.
Theonlypossibleexplanationtookshapeinmyhead.
HadI—
No.Icouldn’tbethatbigofadumbass.
“MissGraham?”camefromthelineagain.“Ifthisisnotanemergency—”
“Sorry,I—”Iclosedmyeyes.“I’llcallbackifI…needto.Thankyou.”
Littlecousin.
OhGod.Ohno.IfthiswasoneofLina’scousinsI’dmessedup.Bigtime.
Iterminatedthecall,pushedthephoneintothebackpocketofmyjeans,andforcedmyselftotakeadeepbreathinthehopesthatoxygenwouldreachmyclearlyfaultybraincells.“Whoexactlyisyourcousin?”Iasked,eventhoughIwasprettysureIknewtheanswer
“Catalina.”
Itwasofficial.Ihadmessedup.Yep.Andyet,becausethiswasNewYorkandIhaddealtwithmyfairshareofstrangepeopleandstrangersituations,Istilladded,“I’mgoingtoneedmoreinformationthanthat.Youcouldhavecheckedthenameonthemailbox.”
Alongandloudsighwasreleasedontheothersideofthewoodenborderthatseparatedus,makingthealreadysouringsensationinmystomachswirl.
“I’msorry,”Iblurtedout,unabletostopthetwowordsfromcomingout.BecauseIwassorry.“I’mjustmakingsurethat—”
“ThatI’mnotaderangedperson,”IntruderansweredbeforeIcouldgetthroughwiththerestofmyapology.“CatalinaMartín,bornthetwenty-secondofNovember.Brownhair,browneyes,loudlaugh.”Myeyesshutagain,theswirlinginmybellyclimbinguptomythroat.“She’stinybutifshekicksyouinthenuts,she’llknocktheairrightoutofyouallthesame.Iknowthatfromfirsthandexperience.”Ashortpause.“Whatelse?Let’ssee…Oh,shehatessnakesoranythingthatlooksremotelylikeone.Evenifthat’safewsockssewntogetherandfilledwithtoiletpaper.Clever,huh?Well,thatwaswhatledtothenutskicking.Sothejokewasreallyonme.”
Yup
I’dscrewedup.Bigtime.
Big,big,bigtime.
AndIfelthorrible.Awful.
SomuchthatIcouldn’tevenbringmyselftostophimwhenhewenton,“She’sawayforthenextfewweeks.Enjoyingherhoneymoonin…Peru,wasit?”Hewaitedformyconfirmation,butnonecame.Iwasspeechless.Mortified.“Aaron’stheluckyguy.Atallandintimidating-lookingdudefromthephotosI’veseen.”
Holdon.Thatmeant—
“Ihaven’tmethiminperson.Notyet.”
Hehadn’tmetAaroninpersonyet?
I—
No.No,no,no.Thiscouldn’tbehappening.
Butthen,hesaid,“Ididn’thavethepleasureofattendingthewedding.”
Confirmingthatthiscould,indeed,behappening.Andjustlikethat,noneofmyearliershockorembarrassmentmeasuredtowhatIstartedfeelingrightthatmoment.
Becausethismanwasnotarandomintruder,oraderangedindividualthathadstumbleduponmybestfriend’sapartment.
ThismanI’dcalledthecopsonwasLina’srelative.
Anditdidn’tstopthere.No.Hehadtobetheonecousinthathadn’tmetAaron.
TheonepersonoutofthelonglistofLina’sSpanishrelativesthathadmissedthewedding.
Hehadtobehim
“Ihearditwasagreatparty,”hesaid.Anditfeltlikeaphysicalblowtomychest.“ToobadImissedit.”
Withoutreallyknowinghow,IrealizedIwasnowclutchingthehandleoftheentrancedoor.Asifhiswords—therealizationthatitwashim—hadsomehowbroughtmethereandcompelledthefingersofmyfreehandtowraptightlyaroundit.
Itcan’tbehim,avoicechantedinmyhead.Ican’tbesounlucky
Butitwas.Iknewitwas.Andkismet,destiny,luck,orwhateverforceinchargeofdecidingmyfate,hadpackeditsbagsandleftmetofendformyself
BecausethismanwastheonecousinIhadsecretlyhopedwouldbeatthewedding.Theonlyonewhohadmademystomachflutterwithanticipationatthesimplethoughtofmeetinghim.Ofgettingthosetwomandatorycheekkissesfromhim.Ofexchangingpleasantries.Ofperhapsdancingwithhim.Ofhavinghimseemeinmymaidofhonorgown.Offinallyhavinghiminfrontofme.
Ofthepossibilities.
Myfingersmovedandthedoorunlockedwithaclick
Heartsprintingwiththeknowledgeofthismanreallybeinghim,Igrabbedthehandle.Anxiously,eagerly,hopecloggingmythroat.AllthefoolishnessofwhatevermyheadhadfabricatedinthemonthsleadingtotheweddingtangledwithnewemotionsfromthemessI’djustmade.Anticipationmixedwithguilt.Embarrassmentcoiledaroundexcitement.
Chestpounding,Ithrewthedooropen,and…
Somethingdroppedatmyfeet.
Ilookeddown,myeyesimmediatelyfindingthesourceofthethump.
Hewaslyingonhisback.Asifhe’dbeenrestinghisweightonthedoorandfellbackwardwhenI’dopenedit.
AirseemedtobarelygetinmylungsasItookinaheadtoppledwithwavychestnutlocks.Itdidn’tmatchtheimageneatlykeptinmymemory.Memory,orthescreenshotIsecretlykeptinmyphone.I’donlyseenhimwithabuzzcut.
“It’sreallyyou,”IheardmyselfmumbleasIstaredathim.“You’rereallyhere.Andyourhairisdifferent.Longerand—”
Iclaspedmymouthshut,feelinganintenseblushcoveringmycheeks.
ThehandsomefaceIhadlookedatthroughthescreenofmyphonemoretimesthanI’deverbereadytoadmittwistedwithapuzzledlook.Butjustasquickly,chocolate-browneyestwinkledwithasmile.“Havewe…metbefore?”
“No,”Irushedout.“Obviously.ImeantyoulookdifferentfromwhatIexpected.Youknow,fromyourvoice.That’sall.”Ishookmyhead.“AndI’m—God.I’msorry.Forallofthis.Ijust—”
Youjustwhat,Rosie?
Theblushspreadtothetipsofmyears,andIthoughtthatifthegroundundermyfeetweretoopenandswallowmerightthismoment—somethingIknewnowwasnotthatunlikely—I’dgowillingly.
“I’mjustsosorry,”Ibreathedout.“CanIhelpyouup?Please.”
Buthe—themanwhodidn’tevenknowIexisted,butwhosefeaturesIwasabletosummoninmymindifIclosedmyeyes—didn’tgiveanyindicationofbeinginarushtostandup.Instead,hisgazeinspectedmyface,takinghistime,asifIweretheonethathadjustpoppedoutofnowhereanddroppedathisfeet.
AndjustwhenIthoughtI’dcollectedmyselfenoughtosaysomethingelse—hopefullymarginallysmart—hislipsstretched.Thatpuzzledlookdissolvedcompletely,givingwaytoasmile,andwhateverwordshadclimbedtomymouthcrumbled.
Becausehewassmiling.Anditwasbigandbrightand,quitefrankly,beautifulinthisblatantwayyoudon’treallyknowwhattodowith.
PossiblymorethanthesmileheworeontheonescreenshotIhadallowedmyselftokeepandmightstilllookatoccasionally.
“Inthatcase,”hesaidthroughhissunnyandupside-downgrin.“Ifwedon’treallyknoweachotherthen,hi.I’mLucasMartín.Lina’scousin.”
Yes
Iknewthat.Iknewexactlywhohewas.Hewouldn’tbelievejusthowwellIdid.CHAPTERTWORosie
Lucaslookedupfromhispositiononthefloor,probablywonderingwhatthehellwaswrongwithme.
“I…”Ugh.ThiswasnothowI’dpicturedmeetingLucas.Thiswasn’teveninthesamegalaxyofhowI’dconstructedthismomentinmyhead.AndI’dhadtime—overayearofit—tocomeupwithdozensofdifferentscenarios.
“Hello,Lucas,”Isaid.“It’s…It’snicetofinallymeetyou.”
Finally?
Yep.I’dsaidfinally.
Lucas’sbrowsdrewtogether,andIfeltthetipsofmyearsgrowevenwarmer.Myfacewasprobablyflashingred,too.
“You’redefinitelynotaburglar!”Iblurtedouttoveertheconversationawayfromthatstupid,stupidfinally.“AndI’malsoso,soverysorryIassumedyouwere.I’msurethiswasnothowyouimaginedarrivinginNewYork.OrLina’sapartmentforthatmatter.Anyway,canIpleasehelpyouup?”
ButLucasremainedonhisback,brandishingthatgrinthathadtakenshapeminutesago.AsifallofthiswasokayNormal.Whichwasn’t.Itreallywasn’t.BecauseLucasMartínwashere.Onmydoorstep—or,well,Lina’sdoorstep.AndIwasmakingtheworstfirstimpressionever.
“Yeah,Ididn’texactlyseethiscoming,”hesaidashestretchedhisarmup,lettinghishandhoverabovehim,rightattheheightofmystomach.“Buteitherway,it’sreallynicetomeetyou,RosalynGraham.”
Istaredatthathand,takinginthelongfingersattachedtoit.Then,myeyesjumpedtothetanskinofhiswrist,whichwasswathedbyawornleathercordbracelet.
Asmallpartofmewonderedhowhisskinwouldfeelagainstmyfingers,butbothmyarmsremainedgluedtomysides.
“Howdoyou…knowmyname?”Iasked.
BecauseLucashadsaidmyfullname.
Hishandremainedintheair,waiting.Justlikehissmile.
“Ihearditearlier,”heansweredcasually.“Youknow,whenyoutoldtheemergencydispatcher.Rightafteryoucalledmederanged.”
Iwinced.“OhGod,IguessIdidthat,didn’tI?”Iblewabreathoutofmynose.“I’msosorryaboutthat,too.”Iblinkedsomemore.Myeyesnowfixatedonthesectionofskinonhisforearmthathadbeengraduallyrevealedasthesleeveofhissweatshirtsliddown.ButIstilldidn’treachforhishandandheletitdropdowntohisside.“IswearIhadnoideayouwerearrivingtonight.Linaneversaidanything.Otherwise,Iwouldn’thavecalledthecops.Heck,Iwouldn’tevenbehereifIhadknownyouwerecoming.”
LucastiltedhisheadwithwhatIassumedwascuriosity.Probablywantingtoaskwhy.Whythehellareyouhere,then?
“ButyoucancallmeRosie,”Icontinued.“Everyonedoes.Youcan,too.Ifyouwant,ofcourse.ButRosalynisalsofine.”
Asoftchuckleescapedthroughhispermanentgrin,followedbyasimple,“Rosie.”
Asifhewastestingthenameonhistongue.
AndGod,thewayhepronouncedit,coatedinthatstrongSpanishaccentthatrolledhisRsasifhiswholebodywaspitchingthesoundandnotjusthistongueandvocalchords.Itwasso…differentfromeveryotherwaymynamehadbeenpronounced.Interesting.Distracting.
“Rosie,”herepeatedafteracoupleofseconds.“Quédulce,”headdedinwhatIknewwashismothertongue,Spanish,butwasn’tsurewhatitmeant.“Ilikeit.Itsuitsyou.”
“Thanks,”Imuttered,mywholebodyfeelingincreasinglywarm.Ishiftedinmyfeet.“Youhaveagoodname,too,Lucas.It’svery…groovy.”
Groovy
OhGod.OhLord.
DidIjustsaythathisnameisgroovy?Likea…a…discoball?Oraseventiesthemedparty?
“Thanks,Iguess.”Lucasletoutachuckle.“Allright,ascomfortableasIamonthefloor,I’mtiredoflookingatyourfaceupsidedown,Rosie.”
AndbeforeIcouldprocesshiswords,LucasgotuponhisfeetinaquickmaneuverIwasn’texpecting.Distractedbythemotion,thesizeofhim,thatalluringrolloftheRthatwasstillechoinginmyhead,andultimately,theeffectofhavingLucasMartín—intheflesh—infrontofme,Ialmostmisseditwhenhewincedanddoubledover.
“Watchout!”IsaidasIlungedmyselfforwardandgraspedhisforearmsacoupleofsecondstoolate.Hisheadwasdown,andIcouldn’tseehisface.“Areyouokay?”
“Estoybien,”hebreathedout,asifthewordsinhismothertonguehadunconsciouslyslippedout.Heshookhishead.“I’mokay.Allundercontrol.”
Slowly,heglancedatmefromunderhislashes,meetingmygazeandmakingallthebloodinmybodyreturntomyface.Justbeforereturninghiseyesdown,asifsomethinghadcaughthisattention.
Imirroredthemotion.
Myhands.Theywerearoundhisupperarmsinadeathgrip.AroundwhatInowrealizedwereveryfirmupperarms.Linedwithmuscles.Hardones.Flexedones.
Welookedupatthesametime,mynowwideeyesmeetinghisbrownones.
Amusemententeredhisexpression.“Goodcatch,Rosie.”
Iletgoofhimimmediately,asifthosethreewordshadblastedmebackward.
“Ofcourse,”Irushedout,claspingmyhandsinfrontofmeandavertingmyeyesfromhisface.Theysetupcamponapointbelowhischin.“Yousureyou’reokay?”
“Yeah,nothingtoworryabout.”Hewavedahandintheair.“Ishouldhaveprobablystretchedmylegsacoupletimesinsteadofsleepingthroughmostoftheflight.”
“Right.”Inoddedmyhead.“Youjustgotoffatransatlanticflight.”BecausethiswasLucasMartínandhehadjustcrossedhalftheworldtogethere.FromSpain,wherehewasfrom.AndwhathadIdone?Lockedhimout,calledthecops,andthenlefthimlyingonthefloorforastupidlylargeamountoftime.
“Ohno,”hesaid.“IflewinfromPhoenix.”
Oh.
Oh?
“Wasthatalayoverorwereyoualreadyin—”Istoppedmyself,realizingitreallywasn’tmybusinesswhetherLucashadbeeninthecountryornot.“Eitherway,hereIamanyway,keepingyouatthedoor.Please,comein.”Isteppedtoonesidetolethimintohiscousin’sapartmentfeelingallkindsof…outofplace.
Lucasliftedaheavy-lookingbackpackoffthefloorandwalkedin,allowingmeaclearviewofhisbackside.Nowthathiseyesweren’tonme,Ifinallyletmyselftakehimin.Takehimreallyin,eyestravelingupanddownthelengthofhisbodyacoupleoftimes.
Andohboy.Hehadlong,lean-lookinglegs.LucaswastallerthanIthoughthewouldbebasedonwhatI’dseenofhimduringmyonlinelurking.EvenhisshoulderswerewiderthanI’dimagined.Andthewrinkledgraysweatshirthewaswearingdidnothingtohidethem—orthemusclesI’dnoticedwhenI’dfelthimupafewminutesago.Orthewayyoucouldtellonlybylookingathisbackthathewasaprofessionalathlete.Thathesurfed,competitively.Andweweretalkingchampionshipsandtournamentsandbeautifulbutscary-lookingwavesthatreachedincredibleheights.Lucashadprobablyspentmostofhislifeonthewaterandhisbodycouldendure—
Thesoundofhisbackpackfallingsnatchedmyattention.Hehadcometoastopnexttotheislandthatseparatedthekitchenandlivingareasinthecozystudioapartment.
“So,Rosie,”hesaidasheleaneddowntopickupthestoolI’dknockedtothefloorearlier.Heplacedituprightnexttoitstwin.“Ifyoudidn’tknowIwascoming…”Heturnedaround,facingmewithaneasygrin.“Andyouwouldn’thavebeenhereifyouhadknownIwascoming,thenIguessyou’renotmywelcomecommittee,huh?”Hisvoicewasdeep,histonekindbutplayful.Itmadesomethinginmybellytakenotice,somethingIpusheddownimmediately.“Pity,IwasstartingtothinkIshouldreallythankmycousin.”
Thatsomethingfluttered,makingmestumbleforananswerandimmersingusinastrangesilence.
Lucas’ssmilefell.
“Itwasajoke,”heexplained.“Areallybadone,itseems.I’msorry,I’musuallysmootherthanthis.”
Iblinked.
Think,Rosie.Think.Justsaysomething.Anything
“AshtonKutcher,”waswhatmybraindecidedtogowith.Lucas’sbrowsdrewtogether.“ThehostofPunk’d,theprankshow.Theoneyoucouldn’tremember.”Ithrewmyhandsintheairandloweredmytone.“You’vebeenpunked!”
Hetiltedhishead,andIwishedIcouldtakebackthelasttensecondsofmylife.Rewind,andsaysomethingelse.Somethingsmart.Flirty.Becausewasthattoomuchtoask?Iwasn’tevenaskingforthelasttenminutesofmylife.Orthelasttenhours.
Butthen,heletoutalaugh.Itwasadeepandhappysound.Andforsomestrangereason,Iknewitwasgenuineandnotatmyexpense.
“Yes,”hesaid,shakinghimselfoffhislaughter.“ThatwastheshowIwastalkingabout.Andthat’shim,theguywiththegoodhair.”
Istaredathim—athisface,hisupwardlips,hisbeautifuleyes,hishair,whichwasfar,farbetterthanAshtonKutcher’severwas—andIfeltmyselfsmiling.Icouldn’thelpit.
Lucas’sgazedippedtomymouth,though,andthatkindofwipedthesmileoffmyface.
“Okay,”Isaid,squaringmyshouldersandavertingmyeyes.“Thiswasfun.”Itreallyhadn’tbeen.“ButIthinkit’stimeformetogoandleaveyouto…toit.”
Withoutwastinganytimeorconsideringtheknotthathadformedinhisforehead,Imovedinthedirectionofmybelongingsandkneeledinfrontofmytwosuitcases—oneofwhichwasopen,andhalfunpacked—afilled-to-the-brimblueIkeabag,andtheboxcontainingallmyperishablegroceries.
Iheardafewstepstomyright.Then,apairofwhitesneakerscameintoview.
“You’releaving,”Lucassaid,justasIgrabbedastrayshoeIcouldn’trecallpullingout.“Withallof…that.”
Ithadn’tbeenaquestion,Iknewthat.ButIansweredanyway.
“Ofcourse.”IsnaggedthestackofsweatersI’dalsoapparentlytakenout.“IwasjustdroppingbyLina’splaceto…to…”Tooccupyherclearlynotvacantapartmentwhileshewasonherhoneymoonbecausemyapartmentwasuninhabitableatthemoment.“Towaterherplants.Checkonthemailbox.Youknow,thatkindofstuff.”
Abeatofsilence.
“Thatdoesn’tlooklikejustdroppingby,Rosie.”
“Oh.”Iwavedahand,pushingthesweatersintotheopensuitcasewithmyotherone.God,whyintheworldhadIunpackedsomuchstuff?“This?Thisisallnothing.”
Justme,tryingtonotinconvenienceaguyImighthavehadateeny-tinylittleonlinecrushon.
Hesatdownonthefloorinfrontofme.Asifwewerejusthangingout.
MymouthopenedandclosedacoupleoftimesuntilIcameupwithsomething.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Smart,Rosie.
Lucaschuckled,thesoundlightandunconcernedandnotatallhowIwasfeeling.“Iwasgoingtoaskyouwhatyou’rereallydoinghere,inmycousin’sapartment.Iwouldhaveaskedsoonerbutwewere…busy.”Ashrugofhisshoulders.“Idon’tthinkI’mowedanexplanation.Allofthis”—hespunafingerintheair—“isclearlyLina’sfault.Youdidn’thaveanyideaIwascoming.”
“Ireallydidn’t.”
“Doessheknowthatyou’rehere,then?”
Iletoutasigh.“No…”Itrailedoff,eventhoughIdidthinkLucaswasowedanexplanation.“Butnotforlackoftrying.Icalledher—andAaron—tocheckifIcouldusemysparekeyandstaythenight.”Ormorelikeafewnights,plural.“Butneitherofthempickedup.Theirphonesmustbeoutofreception.”
Hiseyesroamedaroundmyface,asifhewastryingtopiecesomethingtogether.Then,hemovedhishand,pullingasmallobjectoutfromhispocket.“Speakingofkeys,”hesaid,holdingitbetweenhisfingers.“Iwasn’tlying.Idohaveone.”
Mylipspartedwithanotherapology,butLucasstoppedmewithashakeofhishead.“Linaleftitatthepizzeriadownthestreet.Alessandro’s?Sheleftinstructionsformetopickitupfromthere.”
Thatmade…sense.Althoughitdidn’tchangethefactthatshe’dnevermentionedtomethatLucaswasvisiting.
“Goodman,thisSandro,”Lucaspointedoutwithanod.“Imusthavelookedseriouslybeat,becauseheevenofferedmefood.”Lucas’sfacebrightenedimpossibly,remindingmeofanInstagrampostwherehe’sstaringatasteakasifthatpieceofjuicymeathadjusthungthemoonandstarsforhim.“ProbablythebestpizzaI’vehadinalongwhile.”
“SoundslikeSandro,”Itoldhim,thinkingofthedark-haired,middle-agedman.“AndI’mnotsurprised.We’vebeenorderingpizzafromAlessandro’satleastonceaweekeversinceLinamovedhereafewyearsago.”
Probablythereasonmybestfriendhadfeltsafeenoughtoleaveasetofkeyswithhim.
“Iwastoldasmuch,”Lucassaid,atwinkleinhiseye,makingmewonderwhatSandrohadsaidaboutus.Hopefullynotthatwealwaysorderedenoughtofeedasmallarmy.
Westaredateachotherforalongmoment.Andalthoughitwasn’tasawkwardasafewminutesago,itwasn’texactlyacomfortablesilence,either.Notwhenmysecretinfatuationwiththismanthatsatonthefloorinfrontofmeseemedtobeswellinglikeaballoon,takingallthespacebetweenus.AndcertainlynotwhenallthesefactsanddetailsIhadcollectedovermorethanayearandkepthiddeninasealedcabinetinmymindstartedpouringout.
LikehowIknewLucasactuallylovedpineappleonpizzajustbecauseitwasstillfood—somethingI’dneverunderstand.OrhowIalsoknewthathehadgottenthattinyscaronhischinbytrippingovertheleashofTaco—hisbeautifulBelgianshepherd—andfallingonhisface.OrhowIhadlearnedthathepreferssunrisesoversunsets.
DearGod.Theamountofinformationonecouldlearnfromsomeone’ssocialswhenonelookedlongandfrequentlyenoughwasterrifying.
“Rosie,”hesaidsosweetlythatIfeltaballofshameclimbupmythroat.
WhathadIbeenthinking,stalkingsomeonelikethat?“Yeah?”Icroaked.
“Whatareyoureallydoinghere?”
Idebatedansweringthatquestiongenuinely.NotbecauseIdidn’twantLucastoknowthetruth,butbecausethisencounterhadbeenfilledwithenoughdramatics,andaddingmyill-fateddaytoitwastoomuch.
“Therewasalittleprobleminmybuilding.”Iswallowed,settlingforahalf-truth.“Nothingimportant,butIthoughtitwouldbebettertoleaveforthenight.”
Hisbrowsarched.“Andwhatwasthislittleproblem?”
“Plumbingissue.”Ishrugged.“Nothingthatcan’tbefixed.I’llbebackinnotime.”
Ahumlefthim.“Isthatwhyyoupackedallyourstuff?”Hisheadbobbeddown,pointingatthebagsandscattereditemsbetweenus.“Andallyour…food,too?Justforanight?”
“Isnack.”Ilookedeverywherebutathim.“I’mabignightsnacker.Icouldeasilygothroughallofthisinonenight.”
“Okay,”hesaid,butitsoundedlikehedidn’tbelieveme.
Fair,becauseIwaslying.
Iglancedathim,andIneverknewwhatitwasabouthisexpressionbutIheardmyselfsaying,“Okay.Itwasn’talittleproblem.There’sacrackinmyceiling.Bigenoughformetopackeverything,hailacab,andcomespendthenighthere.”
Here,becauseDadhadmovedtoPhillyandmybrother,Olly,wasn’tansweringmycalls.Here,becauseontopofthat,I’dbeenlyingtothemformonths—six,exactly—andgoingtospendthenightwitheitherofthemwouldrevealthetruthandexposemylies.
“Sorry,thisisnothingyoushouldworryabout.It’sallgood,really.”Ilookedaround,takinginmybestfriend’scrampedstudio.“Thisisaone-roomapartmentandthere’sonlyonebed,soIguess…Iknowwecan’tbothstayhere.”Frankly,IcouldandwouldtakethecouchbutputtingLucasinthatpositionwasn’tsomethinghedeservedaftertonight.AndIwasembarrassedenough.“I’llbookahotelforthenight.”
Ilookedathimintimetoseehislipstwitching.Itwasn’tasmile.Itwassomesortofgrimace.“You’reokay,though?”heasked.
Ifrowned,takenalittleabackbythequestion.“What?”
“Thecrackonyourceiling,”hesaid.“Itsoundsserious.Areyouokay?”
“Oh.”Iswallowed.“I’m…fine,yes.”
ButLucasdidn’tlooklikehebelievedme.Again.
“Seriously.I’maNewYorker.I’mtoughasnails.”IletoutalaughIhopedsoundedgenuineandshuffledsomemoreofthescattereditemscloser.“JustletmegeteverythingandI’llcallanUber.”
Iinspectedmydisorganizedmess.Then,IstartedtochuckeverythinginsidethebagsasfastasIcould.
ThatwasprobablywhyIdidn’tnoticethatLucaswasonthemoveuntilhewasonhisfeetandstridingaway.Hestoppedwhenhereachedhisbackpack,pickeditup,andflungitoverashoulder.
“What—”Istartedgoinguponmytwofeet.“Whereareyougoing?”
Lucasrearrangedtheweightathisback.Hissmilewasbackinplace,lopsidedand…yeah,stilldistracting.“Somewhereelse.I’mnotstayinghere.”
“What?”Igapedathim.“Why?”
Hetookastepinthedirectionofthedoor.“Becauseit’spastmidnightandyoulooklikeyou’reabouttopassout.”
Iblinked.Then,Inoticedmyhandshootingtomyhair.DidIlook—
Iletmyhanddrop.HowIlookedwasn’timportant.One,becausetherewasn’tanythingtodoaboutthatnow.Andtwo,because…therereallywasn’tanythingtodoaboutit.“Doyouhaveaplacetostay?”Ifinallyaskedhim.“AnyplaceotherthanLina’s?”
“Ofcourse.”Heshrugged,hislipsnotbulging.“ThisisNewYorkCity—theoptionsareendless.”
“No.”Ishookmyhead,takingastepsidewaysandblockinghiswaytothedoor.“Ican’tletyoudothat.I’llbetheoneleaving.Thisisyourcousin’sapartment.Youevenhaveakey.You…can’tgospendthenightatahotel.”
Hissmileturnedwarmer.“That’ssweet,Rosie.Butunnecessary.”Hewalkedaroundme,makingmeturnaroundonmyheelstokeeptrackofhim.“Plus,it’seasierthisway.Ionlyhaveabackpackwithme,andyouhave…”Hisgazejumpedtomybig,messypile.“Youhavealotmorethanthat.”
“But—”
Hemetmygazeagain,andthewayhisbrowsbentintoasortoffrownwassoatoddswithhiseasygrinthatIlostmytrainofthought.
“Listen,”hesaidverycalmly.“I’mabluntmansoI’mjustgoingtosayit,yeah?”
Iswallowed.
“I’mundertheimpressionthatmebeinghereismakingyouveryuncomfortable.”Apause.“I’mactuallysurethat’sthecase.Andit’sokay,we’vejustmet.”
What?Ohmygosh,andthatwaswhyhewasleaving?He—“I’mnotuncomfortable,”Icounteredinthemostnotcomfortableway.“It’snotforthereasonyouthink.”Hetiltedhisheadandmymouthopenedagaintogivehimsomethingelse,anythingelse.Butnothingcameout.Onlyastammered,“It’s—It’snot—”
“I’llmakeyouadeal,”hesaid,cuttingmeoff,andforsomereason,Ihadthefeelinghe’ddonethattosavemefrommyself.“Youstayhereforthenight,getsomerest,andtomorrowI’llbeback.We’llstartover.Forgettonighthappened.Then,we’llfigureoutwhattodointermsofaccommodation.”Acarefulpause.“Whatdoyouthink?”
We’llstartover.Forgettonighthappened.
WhatI’dgiveforthattobesomethingwecoulddo.“Butthere’snothingtofigureout,Lucas.Linapromisedyoutheapartment.Youshouldbetheonetakingit.”
“Okay,”hesaidsimply.“Butnottonight.”
Thiswasn’tright.Thiswassonotokay.EverythingaboutithadgonewrongandI…IonlyrealizedIwasblowingairoutofmymouthwhenIheardmymouthreleasingit.
Lucas’schucklewasdeep,masculine.“I’llbebacktomorrow,Ipromise.”
Mylipsparted,readytofighthimsomemore,totacklehimtothefloorandmakehimstayifIhadto.
Butthenhesaid,“Itwillbefine,Rosie.”Andhisexpressionturnedserious.Earnest.“Everythingwillbeokay.”
Andallmydeterminationtofighthimbackloosenedup,lettingtheexhaustionin.Thetollfromyearsandyearsoftryingtokeepeverythingtogether,contained,alwaysonmyown,washedrightoverme.Headtotoes,likeawave.Andforonce,justforthisonetimethatIwasbeingtoldthosefourwords,Everythingwillbeokay,insteadofbeingtheoneusingthemtocomfortsomeoneelse,Ifelttheneedtoletgo.
“Okay.Thankyoufordoingthis,”Imurmured,andImeantitmorethanLucaswouldprobablyeverknow.
Henoddedslightly,thentookanotherstepaway.“Seeyoutomorrow,then.I’llknockthistime,Ipromise.”
Itriedtothinkofsomethingcleverandfunnytosay,butwhatwasthepointanyway?I’dalreadyruinedthis.Firstimpressionswerelikewordspennedwithpermanentink.Onceetchedonpaper,therewaslittleonecoulddotochangethem.So,Isimplystaredathimasheturnedtheknobandthrewthedooropen.
“Hey,Rosie?”hecalledbeforecrossingthethreshold.“It’sbeengreatfinallymeetingLina’sbestfriend.”
Finally
He’dsaidfinally
JustlikeIhadawhileago.Butprobablyforacompletelydifferentreason
“Likewise,Lucas.Thiswasall…great.”Agreatfreakingdisaster.
Asmallsmileturnedhislipsup.“DomeafavorandlockupafterI’mgone,yes?”Heturnedaround,givingmehisbackandstridingaway.“Youneverknowwhomighttrytobreakin.”
Andjustlikethat,IwatchedLucasMartíndisappeardownthestairsasswiftlyashehadlandedrightonmydoorstep—orLina’sdoorstep.
Asifthishadbeennothingmorethanadream,allofitaproductofmyimagination.
AsillyandbizarredreamaboutamanIhadspiedonthroughthescreenofmyphoneformonthsandmonths,allthankstothemagicofsocialmedia.
AmanIhadsomehowharboredthebiggest,stupidestcrushon,evenwhenIhadn’tevenmeethiminpersonandevenwhenI’dthoughtIprobablyneverwould.CHAPTERTHREERosie
WhenIwokeupthefollowingmorning—atexactly6:00a.m.,justlikeIhaddoneeveryweekdayforthelastfiveyearsbutdidn’tneedtoanymore—Ididsowithacertainbrown-eyed,smile-wearingmaninmind.
Andforasplitsecond,IwassureI’ddreameditall.
LucasMartínatthedoor.Thedisasterthatfollowed.
Butassecondstickedbyandawarenessreturned,Irealizednoneofthathadbeenaproductofmysubconscious.Ithadreallyhappened.Lucashadreallybeenhere.Ihadreallymistakenhimforaburglar.AndIhadmanagedtomaketheworstfirstimpressioninthehistoryoffirstimpressions.
We’llstartover.Forgettonighthappened.
IfonlyIcouldbesolucky.
Coveringmyfacewithonearm,Igroanedloudly.
Tomakethingsworse,mymuchlessdumbfoundedbrainrealizednowthatI’dlethimleave—ventureintoacityhehadjustarrivedin—withbarelyanyresistanceonmyside.I’dtakentheapartmentandlefthimonhisown.
God,Iwastheworst.
Irolledonmyside,refusingtogetupandleavethecomfortingsafetyofmybestfriend’sbed.MygazefellonaframedpictureofLinaandhergrandmotherthatrestedonashelf,remindingmeofhowcloseshe’salwaysbeentoherfamily.
Butthen,whyhadn’tLinasaidanythingaboutLucas’svisit?Linawasanoversharer,especiallywithme.Thiswassomethingshewouldhavesaidatleastinpassing.
InLina’sdefense,eversinceAaronproposedinSeptemberlastyear,shehadbeenswarmedwiththeweddingpreparations.PlanningaweddinginSpainfromtheothersideoftheworldwasn’texactlyeasy.Andaftertyingtheknottwomonthsagoinabeautifulsummerweddingbythesea,shehadbeenoverwhelmedbyeverythingthatfollowed,eveniftheyhadn’tleftfortheirhoneymoonuntilnow,inOctober.So,Iguessed…Iguesseditmusthaveslippedhermind
Closingmyeyes,Idecidedthateitherway,itdidn’tmatter.NowLucaswasinNewYork,andAaronandLinawereaway,inPeru,enjoyingtheirdeservedhoneymoon.Ihadnobusinessfeelinghurt.
EspeciallywhenImyselfwasn’tbeingtruthfultothosearoundme.Linahadnoideaaboutmysecretcrushonhercousin.AndthatwasnothingincomparisontoconsistentlylyingtoDadandOllyaboutmyjobsituationformonths.Months
Asurgeofcouragefilledmychest.
Allofthatendedtoday.Nomorelying.
I’dgiveLinaaheads-upaboutwhathadgonedownyesterday,andI’dgotoPhillytoseeDad.MaybeOllycouldmeetusthere.Ifhestoppeddodgingourcalls,thatwas.
Rearrangingmyselfsomybackrestedagainsttheheadboard,Ireachedformyphone,clickedonLina’snameinthemessagesapp,andstartedtyping.
Hey,IhopePeruistreatingyoutwolovebirdswellListen,lastnight—
Mythumbshoveredoverthescreen,hesitating.
Lastnight…IalmosthadyourcousinLucasarrested.Surprise!
No.Thatwasadefiniteno.
Ideleteditandstartedagain.
Lastnight…myceilingcrackedopen,soIusedyoursparekeytoletmyselfintoyourplace(couldn’treachyoubutIknewyouwouldn’tmind!).Anyway,everythingwasfineuntilLucasshowedupandIsomehowmistookhimforaburglar.RememberLucas?Yourcousin.TheonewhoseInstagramprofileyoushowedmewhatfeelslikeaneternityago?Well,I’vebeen…checkingitout.Afewtimes.Morethanjustafewtimes.Somethinglikeeveryday?It’shardtoexplainbutthink…JoeGoldberg.Minusthemurders.
Yeah,alsoano.Thatwastoolongforatext.
Thewordmurderswasprobablyaredflag,too.
Withalongandnoisysigh,Ideletedthetextandletthephonedropintomylap.
ThetruthwasthatIhadkindofstalkedLucasonline.Inatotallyharmlessway.
EversinceLinashowedmeoneofhissocialposts,I’dbeencurious.AndIhadn’tstartedcheckinghisprofileregularlyuntilAaronhadproposedayearagoandI’d…hopedI’dmeetLucasatthewedding.Andjustlikethat,whatstartedasnothingmorethancuriosityturnedintosomethingelse.
Everyphotoheposted,whetherhewasinitornot,broughtbutterfliestomystomach.Everyshortbutalwaysfunnyandhonestcaptionbroughtmealittleclosertohim.EveryclipheuploadedallowedmetogetaninsightintohisandTaco’slives.Intotheattractiveandhandsomemanhewas.
Sure,ithadn’thurtthatasaprosurfer,he’dbeenshirtlessinmostofhisposts.
SomepeoplehadcelebritieslikeChrisEvansorChrisHemsworthoranyoftheotherChrises,toinjectthatshotofserotoninbeforebed.Alittledaydreamingandalotofwishfulthinking.AndIsupposed…IsupposedI’dhadLucasMartín.
Ithadbeennothingmorethanasilly,innocentinfatuationwithsomeoneIdidn’treallyknow.Plus,ithadbeenputtorestthemomenthe’dmysteriouslyvanishedandstoppedupdating—weeksbeforeLinaandAaron’swedding—andturnedouttobeano-showattheceremony.Ihadburiedallofthatnonsenseandtoldmyselfenoughwasenough.
Myphoneranginmylap,andallofthatwasimmediatelyforgottenwhenIcaughtmylittlebrother’sfaceflashingonthescreen.
“Olly?”Ianswered,heartdroppingtomystomach.“Wheretheheckhaveyoubeen?Whyhaven’tyoureturnedanyofmycalls?Iseverythingokay?Areyouokay?”
Alongsighcamethroughtheline.
“Nothing’swrong,Rosie.”Mybrother’svoicewasdeep,thatbaritonetextureremindingmehewasn’takidanymore.Ohno,hewasanineteen-year-oldadultthathadbeenlettingallmycallsgotovoicemailforweeks.“AndI’msorry.I’vebeen…busy.ButI’mcallingyoubacknow.”
“Busywithwhat?”IaskedbeforeIcouldstopmyself.
WhenDadannouncedaboutayearagothathewasleavingQueens,wherehehadspentmostofhislifeandwhereOllyandIhadbeenbroughtup,tomovetoPhilly,Ollyhadannouncedhewasn’tleaving.Healsoinformedusthat,unlikeme,hewouldn’tbetakingthecollegeroute.Andwe’dsupportedhim,encouragedhimtosearchforwhatitwasthatmadehimhappy.I’devenhelpedhimoutwithrentandlivingexpensesuntilrecently.Buthestruggledtofindhiscalling.Hestruggledtokeepajobformorethanafewweeks,too.
ThelinewassilentforsolongthatIfearedhe’dhungup.
“Olly?”
Anothersighcame.
“Listen,”Isaid,everysingleemotionbrewinginsideofmecoatingthatoneword.“I’mnotattackingyou.Iloveyou,okay?YouknowIdo,morethananything.Butyou’veignoredmeforweeks,onlysendingmeshortquicktextssoIwouldn’tlosemymindandreportyouasamissingperson.”AndIwouldhave.Isowouldhaveifithadcometothat.“So,don’ttellmeyou’vebeenbusyandexpectmetotakethatasanexplanation,please.Don’t—”
“I’vebeenbusywithwork,Rosie.”
Hopeinflatedmychestforasecondthere,butitwasquicklystifledbyahundreddozennewquestions.
“That’sgreat,”Itoldhim,pushingmyconcerndown.“Whatkindofjobisit?”
“It’s…ataclub.Anightclub.”
“Anightclub,”Irepeated,forcingmyselftoremainobjective.“Asawaiter?Youtriedthatand…”Quitaboutthreeweeksin.“Youtriedthat,anditdidn’twork.Atacafé,remember?”
“I’mnotservingdrinks,”heexplained.“I’mdoingsomethingelse.It’s…hardtoexplain.ButI’mmakingagoodlivingoutofit,Rosie.”
“Idon’tcarehowmuchyoumake,Olly.Icareaboutyoubeinghappy.About—”
“Iam,okay?I’mnotakidanymoreandyoudon’tneedtoworryaboutme.”
Iwasclosetoscoffingathisyoudon’tneedtoworryaboutme,butIheldthesoundin.Ollywasanadult,andIunderstoodhisneedforboundaries.Hiswishnottobebabysat.ButIwasstillhisbigsister,andhewasstillthekidIusedtofeedFrootLoopstofordinnerwhenourfridgewasempty,andDadwasworkingnightshifts.“Okay,okay,fine.I’lldropit.”Thenadded,“Fortoday.”
Hemutteredahalf-hearted,“Thankyou.”
“So,listen.”Iveeredtheconversationontoasaferground.“IwasthinkingofgrabbingafewsausagerollsandheadingtoPhillytoday.SurpriseDadwithbrunch.Whataboutjoiningme?Youcouldbebackbyevening.HowaboutImeetyouatthetrainstationandwegotogether?”
Abeatofsilence,thenheasked,“Aren’tyousupposedtogototheofficetoday?It’sMonday.”
Iwinced,silentlycursingmyselfformycarelessslip.Oh,crap.“I…yes.You’reright.”Andhewas,technically.WhatOlly—orDad—didn’tknowwasthatforthepastsixmonths,Ihadn’tbeencallingInTech’sManhattanheadquarterstheoffice.“ButIhavetakenthedayoff.Justtoday.Mybossis…moreflexiblewithmytimeoffnowthatI’m,youknow,ateamleader.”
“Ah,yeah.Mybigsisisaboss-ladynow.That’sright.”HechuckledandIwishedIheardthatsoundmoreoften.IwishedIwasn’tlyingtohimandhewasn’tkeepingthingsfromme,either.“Sothatpromotionyougotlastyearisworkingoutforyou,huh?Planningonclimbingevenfurtheruptheladder,bigsis?”
“Oh,Ihavenoplantodothat,believeme.”NotwhenIhad,infact,climbeddownandofftheladder.Stretchingmylegs,Isetbothfeetonthefloorandgotoutofbed.“So,areyoucoming,then?ToDad’s?”
“I…”Hetrailedoff,whichwasindicationenoughthatIwasabouttobeletdown.
“Please,Olly.IhavesomethingIwanttotellyou.Bothofyou.AndDadmissesyou.I’vebeencoveringforyouforweeksandI’mrunningoutofexcuses.Please,come.”
Hesighed.“Okay,I’llseewhatIcando.”
Ah,progress,Ihoped.“I’lltextyouthetraintimetable,yeah?Wecanmeetatthestation.”
“Yeah,”heanswered,theearlierhopeflaringupinmychest.“I…loveyou,Bean.”
Bean.Ithadbeenagessincehe’dcalledmethat.“Iloveyou,too,Olly.”
AndwiththosepartingwordsIsettogetreadyandgoconfessthetruthtothemanwhohadworkedmultiplejobstogivemybrotherandmeagoodlifeafterhe’dbeenleftonhisownwithus.Themanwhohadraisedus,alone,afterourmotherhadtakenoffandleftusbehind.Themanwhohadputmethroughcollegewiththesweatofhisbrowandadeterminationofsteel.ThemantowhomIowedthefinancialsecuritymyengineeringdegreehadgivenmeuntilrecently.UntilthatdaysixmonthsagowhenItookaleapoffaithtochangemylife.Mycareer.
Ohboy.
HowdidonetellsuchamanthatIhaddecidedtoquitthestable,well-paidpositionhe—andI—hadworkedsohardfor,onlytochasedreamsthatwerenothingmorethaninkonpaper?
HowdidonetellamanwhohadsacrificedsomuchthatIhadexchangedanestablishedcareerwithamazingprospectsforonethatwasn’tguaranteed?
Ididn’thavetheslightestidea.AndthatwasexactlywhyI’dletthatsecretsitonmyshouldersformonths.
Butthatendedtoday.
IkeptrepeatingthatmantraasIwentthroughthemotionsofgettingready.IthrewonthefirstthingIcouldpulloutofmysuitcase:apairoflightbluejeansandanoversizedburgundysweater.Andlikeprettymucheverymorning,Iunsuccessfullytriedtotamethemessofdarkcurlsonmyheadandsettledfortyingthemlooselyontopofmyhead.
OnceImademywayout,Isettledonaplanofaction.
First,I’dgetDad’sfavoritesausagerollsfromO’Brien’s,abakeryhereinBrooklyn,onlyafewminutesawayfromLina’splace.I’dwaitforhimtobiteintothesavoryfriedgoodnessand,boom,I’ddropthebomb.
Itwasagoodplan.
Atleast,IwastryingtoconvincemyselfofthatasIenteredthebakery,placedmyorder,andmademywayoutwithDad’sbribe.Thatwasprobablywhy,whenIsteppedontothesidewalk,Ialmosttrippedwhenmygazefellintothewindowofthedineracrossthestreet.
Ididadoubletake.Then,athird.Iprobablystaredforaboutagoodfullminute.
ButhowcouldInot,whenLucaswassittingthere,inthewindowofthediner,hairanunrulymess,andleanandstrongarmscrossedoverhischest.ThatmouthI’dseenmostlygrinning,hungopenashisheadrestedonthebackoftheseatandIcouldtellhehadonthesameclotheshehadbeenwearinglastnight.
ButIhadtobewrong.Thatcouldn’tbeLucas.
Hecouldn’tbesleepinginthatdiner,infrontofamugandanemptyplate.Hewassupposedtobeinahotel.Unless…
Thatthoughtwasleftunfinishedasmytwofeetcarriedmeacrossthestreetandintothediner,thisbig,pressingquestionbouncingoffthewallsofmyhead.Hadhespentthenighthere?Andifso,why?Whyhadn’thegonetoahotel?
Icrossedthethresholdandwalkeduptohim,thewarmbagofpastriesstilldanglingfrommyfingers.
Itookhiminupclose,thebagsunderhiseyesandtheimpossiblywrinkledclothes.Thestartofwhatlookedlike…droolfallingoutofthecornerofhismouth.
“Lucas,”Iwhispered.
Hedidn’tmove.Didn’tevenhearme.
Iclearedmythroatandleaneddownalittle.“Lucas,”Irepeated.
Guilttangledwithworryinmystomach,makingmewanttoshakehimawakesoIcoulddemandanswersandapologizeafewhundredtimes.Allatonce.Becausesomeonedidn’tjustsleepatadinerunlessnecessaryandIshouldn’thavelethimleavesoeasilylastnight.
Tentatively,Ireachedout,myfreehandlandingsoftlyonhisshoulder.“Hey.”Ishookhimlightly,tryingnottofocusonhowwarmandsolidhefeltthroughhissweatshirt.“Lucas,wakeup.”
And…Stillnothing.God,hesleptlikethedead.
Iwasleftwithnootheroptionbut…
“WAKEUP!”
Hismouthsnappedshutandoneofhiseyespoppedopen.
Abrowneyeballtookmein.Thenhisexpressionwasrelaxingbackuntilasleepyversionofhissmiletookshapebeforeme.
“Rosie,”hehalfsaid,halfslurredinahuskyvoice.“ThisreallyyouorIdidIwakeupinheaven?”CHAPTERFOURLucas
Iwasanidiot.Abigsleepyidiot.
ThatreallyyouordidIwakeupinheaven?
Really,Lucas?PorDios
Ididn’tneedtobewideawaketoknowI’dregretsayingthat.Butthecorny,unoriginal,andunnecessarylineleftmylipsbeforeIevenknewwhatwashittingme.Iopenedmyeyes—oreye—andthereshewas.Rosie.Lina’sbestfriend.ThegirlwhohadcharmedtheentiretyoftheMartínfamily.Heart-shapedface,softfeatures,plushlips,andbewitchinggreeneyes.Likeshewassomekindofmirage,mysleep-deprivedbrainwastryingtodeterminewhethershewasreal.Andlookattheshitthatcameoutofmymouthwhenmyheadwasn’tpayingattention.
“Wh—What?”RosiemumbledwhenIdidn’tfollowmyspectacularopeninglinewithanythingelse.Hereyebrowscurled.“Areyouokay?”
Questionoftheyear.
Willingmyothereyeopen,IshookmyheadandhopedmyexpressionwascasualwhenIsaid,“Thesunwasshiningbehindyou.”Ipointedatthewindowwithahand.“Itwasframingyourface.Likeahalo.”
Rosieblinked—twice—beforeansweringwithan“Oh.Thanks?”
Mufflingachuckleatherreaction,Istretchedmyarmsabovemyhead.Allthemusclesinmybackcomplained,stifffromspendingmorehoursthanIshouldhaveinasittingposition.Ishouldn’thavestayedhereforsolong.Iprobablyneededtostandup,getmylegsmovingandmyjointsworkingbut…
Now,Rosiewashere.Lookingatmewithafunnyface.Herbrowsmeetingwithasmallfrown.Concernedandalittlepissed.
“Areyoumadat—”Istarted.
Butatthesametime,shesaid,“CanIaskyou—”
Imethergaze,smilingtomyself,andtoldher,“Youcanaskmeanything.”
“Iknowit’snoneofmybusiness,”shesaid,“but…Whatareyoudoinghere,Lucas?Youlooklike…Didyou—”Sheclearedherthroat,asifshewastryingtosoftenhertone.“Didyouspendthenighthere?”
Ididn’twanttolietoher.I’dneverbeenverygoodatthat.SoIasked,“WhatdoIlooklike?”
“Well,youlookgreat—”Sheletoutastrangenoisebeforecontinuing,“Youlookfine,butyoualsolooklike…likesomeonewhohassleptinadiner.”
“Attractiveinaneffortlessandcasualway?”
“Youweredrooling.”
“Ouch.”
“I’mserious,”Rosiepressed.
“Oh,Ibelieveyou.AndIbetIwasasighttobehold.”
“You…kindofwere,Iguess,”sheadmittedwithashrug.“Ifyou’reintosleepy,droolingmen.”Apause.“WhichI’mnot.”
Itiltedmyheadtotheside,pretendingIwasconsideringsomething.“Sowhat’syourtype,then,RosalynGraham?”
Hereyeswidenedalittle.“Mytypeis—”shestarted,butshestoppedherself.“You’redeflecting.”Apauseinwhichherlipstwistedwithapout.“Yousaidthatyouwouldlookforahotel.YoushouldhavestayedatLina’sifyoudidn’thaveanywhereelsetogo.Youshouldhavetoldmeinsteadoflettingmekickyouout.”
Ifrowned.“Youdidn’tkickmeout,”Itoldherseriously.Honestly.“Ileftonmyown.”BecauseI’dfelthowuncomfortableshe’dbeeninmypresencelastnight.Howthrownoffshe’dbeenbymyarrival.AndIwasn’tamanwhofeltcomfortablewithinvadingagirl’sprivacyandpersonalspacewithoutsomuchasaconversation.“Thesearecomfierthantheylook.Givethematry.”Iheldoutahand,pointingatthemaroonbankacrossfromme.“Haveaseatandseeforyourself.I’llgetussomethingtodrink.”
Iturnedaroundandcalledforthewaiterwithasmile.Heshotmeanod,signalingthathe’dbewithusinaminute.
WhenIfacedRosieagain,shehadn’tsatdown.
Shehadn’tevenmoved.
Shewastoobusyscowlingatme.
Butthatscowl…itmademylipstwitch.Again.Becauseshewaspissedatme,agrown-assmanwhowasmostlyastranger,forsleepingatadiner.Andthatwassweet.
“Yousaidyou’dbefine,”Rosieremindedmeinawonkyvoice.
“AndI’mfine.”Ipointedatmyselfwithbothmyhands,workingextrahardtokeepmytonelightandhidetheexhaustionfrommyvoice.“I’veneverbeenfiner.”
Imethergazeandwinked.
Hercheeksturnedpinkandherscowldeepened.“Thebagsunderyoureyestellmeotherwise.”
Ipattedmychest.“Harsh,Rosie.Youhavetostopthrowingpunchesatmeormyegowon’teverrecover.”
Butshedidn’tbudge—orsmileatmyattempttojoke—sheonlycrossedherarmsinfrontofherchest,makingmenoticeabrownbaghangingfromoneofthem.
Afterwhatturnedintoaten-secondstaredown,Iexhaled.Then,pointedattheseatinfrontofmeagain.“Doyouhaveanywheretobe?Canyoustayforabit?HavethatcoffeewithmeandI’llexplain.”
Shehesitatedatfirstbutthenmovedonetinystepforward.“Ihavesometime.Icouldstayforabit.”
ThewaiterappearedwithtwocleanmugsandapitcheroffreshcoffeejustasRosiefoldedherbodyintothebooth
“Ididn’tlie.Lastnight,Isearchedforahotel,”Iadmitted,watchingthedarkbrewfillingourmugs.“Thankyou,”Itoldthemanwithanodbeforeheleft.“ButIranintosomeissueswithmycreditcardwhiletryingtocheckinandIwaskindlyinvitedtoleave.”
“Whatkindofissues?”
Iaddedsomesugartomycoffee,stirredit,andtookasip.Thedeeplybitterflavorbitingintomytastebudsforallthewrongreasons.“Mycardwasn’tinmywallet.Andapparently,I’mtheidiotwhotravelswithnobackupso…”Ishruggedashoulder.“IhavenoideawhereImighthavedroppedorleftit,butallIhadwithmewasmyIDandsomecash.”
Fiftydollarstobeexact.
Rosie’seyeswidened,thepoutreturningtohermouth.“Whydidn’tyoucomebacktotheapartment?Iwasthere.”
“Itwastoolate,Rosie,”Iansweredsimply.“IgotintothefirstplaceIfoundopentomakesomecallsandIkindofdozedoff.Rememberthesexydrool?”
Iwaitedforhertolaughbutitnevercame.
Toughcrowd.
Icontinued,“Beforefallingasleep,though,Icontactedmybank,reportedthelostcard,andaskedthemtosendanewone.ButitmighttakesometimetogetherefromSpain.”
“Oh,Lucas,”Rosiefinallysaid,lookingdownathermug,hershouldersfalling.“Thatreally,reallysucks.AndIfeel—”
“There’snoreasonforyoutofeelresponsibleaboutthis,Rosie.”
Sheseemedtodisagreebutdidn’tsayanything.Instead,shelimitedherselftotakingasipofcoffee.Iwatchedherwince,jerkingthemugoffherlips.
Leaningforward,Iloweredmyvoiceandsaid,“ThankGodyoudon’tlikeit,either.Iwasbeginningtothinkthatthiswasthestuffyouguyshaveoverhere.”
“It’sreallynot,”shewhisperedback.“Thiscoffeeisterrible.God.Howmanyofthesehaveyouhad?”
“Thisismyfifthsincelastnight.”
WhatIwasprettysurewasguiltreturnedtoherexpression.“I’msosorry—”
“Nomoreofthat,”Icutheroff.Heldmyfingerinfrontofus.“Nomoreapologiesorwe’llneverbeabletobefriends,RosalynGraham.”
“Friends?”
Inodded,decidingnottodelveintothewayshe’dsaidthatword.Asifbecomingfriendswassomethingunfathomable.“So,whatbringsyouhere?Iassumeit’snotthedécor,thebeverages,ortheviews,ifdroolingmenarenotyourthing.”
Asnortlefthermouth.Itwasaquick,sharpsound.Butcute.Ifeltmylipsbendassheshookherhead.“IwasleavingO’Brien’swhenIsawyoufromacrossthestreet.”Herarmdisappearedunderthetableandreappearedwiththebagcoveredingreasyspots.“Theyhavethebestsausagerollsinthecity.Well,they’reprobablyoneofthefewbakeriesthatsellstheminNewYork.Eitherway,theyareaGrahambreakfastfavorite.”
Enthralledbythescentcomingoffthebag,Icouldn’thelpbutgawkatherfingerswhenshepulledoutashinyandcrispy-lookingpastry.
Anintensewhiffoffrieddoughhitmysenses.
“Youhungry?”Iheardheraskasshehelditbetweenus.
“Nah,”Ianswered,eventhoughIreallywas.“I’mgood.”
Rosiehummed,thenshockedmebystretchingherarminmydirection.
Ifollowedthemotionwithmygaze,thenlookedupather.
“Takeit,”shesaid,humornowdancinginhereyes.“YouneeditmorethanIdo.”
“Ireallyshouldn’t.It’syourbreakfast.”
Deliberatelyslow,sheshruggedashoulderandinchedthepastryclosertohermouth.Igawkedatherpartedlips,attheshinyandalluringroll,too.Shehaltedrightbeforeclosingthatlastinch,holdingitmidair.Ilookedup,meetinghergazeagain.
Mystomachgrowled.
“Oh,”shesaid.“IthinkIjustheardyourstomachtryingtotellmesomething.”
IfIhadn’tbeensofocusedonpretendingIwasn’tlustingafterthesausageroll,hercommentwouldn’thavecaughtmebysurprise.Butitdid,anditpulledabarkoflaughterrightoutofme.
Rosie’smouthstretched,andshejoinedmewithachuckleofherown.Arealone,Icouldtell.Finally.Ilikedit.“Eatit,”sheorderedthroughhersmile.“Iinsist,Lucas.Itwillmakemehappyifyoudo.”
I’llneverknowwhatexactlytippedthebalance,butIstretchedanarmandtookthepastryoffherfingers.“Thanks,Rosie.”
Underherattentivegaze,Ibroughtittomylips,tookabite,and—
“Diosmío.”Imoaned.“Thisisoneofthebest”—Itookanotherbite—“thingstoeverbless”—andanotherone—“mytastebuds.”
Herlaughtercameagain.
Iglancedather,findinghereyesonme.Onmylips.
“Likeit?”sheasked.
“Likeit?”Irepeated,shakingmyhead.“Thisrolldeservesmorethan‘like.’?”Ilickedmyindexfinger.“Itdeserveslove.”Irepeatedthemotionwithmythumb.“Itdeservestobeseducedandworshipped.”
Nowhercheekswereflushed,probablyfromsecondhandembarrassmentformyshamelessdisplay.ButIwasapassionatemanwhenitcametofood.Especiallypastries.
Sherecovered,onlythetipsofherearsremainingpink.“YouMartínsreallyhaveathingforfood,don’tyou?”
Iflashedheragrin,notcaringtowipethegreaseandrunawaycrumbsoffmymouth.“Can’tspeakforallofus,butifyoubringmeoneoftheseeveryday,Imightfalltomykneesandsweareternalloyaltytoyou,RosalynGraham.It’dtakemeaboutaweek.Probablyless.”
Thatseemedtostunherintosilence
Itiltedmyhead,wonderingifshewasthatshyorjustguardedaroundstrangers.Eitherway,itreallydidn’tmatter,becauseIwasn’texactlydeterredbyanyofthosethings.Especiallyaftershe’dfedmebreakfast.
Tomysurprise,Rosiepulledanotherpastryoutofthebag.“Here.Havethisone,too.”
“Youreallyareanangelstraightoutofheaven,”Itoldher,surprisingmyselfwhenIrealizedIwasn’tlyingallthatmuch.“ButIdon’tdeserveanymoreofyourkindness.”
“Youdo,”shecountered,pinningmewithaseriouslook.
Iwavedahandinfrontofme.“Can’tandwon’t.”
“Takeit,or…wewon’teverbefriends.Andyousaid…yousaidyouwantedto,so…”
So,notthatshy.
Grinninglikeshewasgivingmetheworldinsteadofapieceofdeliciouslygreasydough,Ileanedonmyelbows,gettingclosertoherface.Imadesuretomeethergaze.“Onlyifweshare.”Isnatchedtheupperhalfoftheroll.“AsmuchasIenjoyedputtingupashowforyou,I’drathernoteatalone.”
Rosieseemedtoconsidermyoffer,butsheeventuallytookthepastrytoherlips.Andwhenweweredone,shepulledathirdone,splititintwo,andhandedmeahalf,whichIacceptedwithanevenwidersmile.
“So,Rosie…”Itookasipofmynowlukewarmcoffee,lettingmygazetraveldownherneckandtakingintheoff-shouldersweatercoveringherupperbody.Iwonderedifshehadbeenheadedtotheoffice.“YouworkatthesamefirmasLina,right?Whatwasthename…Techsomething?”
“InTech,”Rosieansweredwithsomesortofgrimace.“AndI…did.Notanymore.I…It’salongstory.”
Iwaitedforhertoelaboratebuteventhoughherlipsopenedandclosedacoupleoftimes,sheneverdid.
Ihummed,tappingmyfingersagainstthetable.“I’llmakeyouadeal.”
Shefrowned.“Adeal?”
Mylipstwitched.“Agame.A‘gettoknoweachother’game,youknow.Becauseifwe’regoingtobefriends,weshouldbreaktheicesomehow.”Iwastryingmyluckhere,Iknewthat.Shehadnoreasontoshareasinglethingwithme,butIknewstallingwhenIsawit.AndRosiecouldhavebeenonherwayalready.Butshewashere.Sittingwithme.
Rosie’sheadtilted,alockofdarkhaircomingoutofherbun.“So,webothgettoaskquestions?”
Inodded.“Ananswerinexchangeforanotheranswer.Wetaketurnsuntilwemakeittofive.Anditdoesn’tmatterhowlongtheansweris.Howdoesthatsound?”
Westaredateachotherforalongmoment,andIcouldseethebattleinherface.Shewashesitant.Shealsowascurious.
Finally,shesaid,“Fivequestions.Icanworkwiththat.”
Inoddedslowly,pushingmygrowingeagernessdown.“Becauseyoujustfedme,andI’mamanindebt,I’llletyoustart.”
Hergazeroamedaroundmyface,oneofhereyebrowsdippinginthought,asifshewasreadyingherselftouprootmydeepestsecretsrightoutme.
Itwasadorable.Andalittlescary.
Shelacedherfingerstogetherandrestedherhandsonthetable.“Wherewereyou?BeforecomingtoNewYork?YousaidyouflewinfromPhoenix.”
Myshouldersrelaxed.“I’vebeentravelingacrosstheStatesforthepastsixweeks.”Ididn’tmisshowthatpieceofinformationseemedtosurpriseher.“Istartedupnorth,inPortland,Oregon.Thenheadedsouth,rentedacar,anddrovefromNewOrleanstoPhoenix.”
Rosienoddedherhead,processingmywords.Thenshewentwithasimple,“Okay.Yourturn.”
“Easy.Whowereyougoingtosharetherollswith?Therewerethreeofthem,sounlessyouhaveahugeappetite…”
Avertinghereyestowheretheemptybaglayinaball,shesighed.“Mydad,hopefullymybrother,too,butit’salong—”
Itsked.“Nobreakingtherules.Longorshort,Iwanttheanswer.”
Shebreathedoutalaugh.“IamheadingtoPhilly—Philadelphia—whereDadlivesnow.AndIamhopingmylittlebrother—whohasbeendodgingallmycallsforweeksbecauseofwhatIsuspectissomethingthat’seithergoingtomakemeupsetormadorboth—willshowup.There’ssomethingimportantIwanttotellthem.Hence,breakfast.”Asoftsighlefther.“ThesereallyareDad’sfavorite.Hegoescrazyoverthem.”
Iremainedinsilenceuntilhergazeliftedfromthetableandreturnedtome.Therewassomethingshewasleavingout.Icouldguessasmuchfromherexpression.
Ipretendedtothinkaboutsomething,thensaid,“ShouldIbeworriedyourdadisgoingtohuntmedownfortrickingherdaughterintofeedingmehisall-timefavorite?”
Thatpulledalaughoutofher.Onemoretime,itwasshort-lived,but…enoughtoappeaseme.Fornow.Shesoberedupandpinnedmewithalook.“Isthatyoursecondquestion?”
“Notthebiggestfanofangrydads,soyes.That’squestionnumbertwo.”
“Doyouhaveahabitofgoingaroundpissingdadsoff?”
Withoutbreakingeyecontact,Ileanedonmyelbows.“Isthatyoursecondquestion?”
Hereyesnarrowed,butshenodded.
“Notanymore.Inthepast,though?Imighthaveangeredoneortwo.”Iwinked,andIdidn’tmissthewayhercheeksturnedpinkthistimearound.“Youowemeananswer.”
Iwatchedherthroatbob.“No,Dadwon’thuntyoudown.Hedidn’tevenknowIwasdroppingby.Itwasasurprise,andtherollsweremyemotionalleverage.”
Thatlastpartsparkedmyinterest,butRosiebeatmetothenextround.
“Myturn,”sheannounced.“Howlongwillyoustayhere?InNewYork.”
“Sixweeks.Withoutapplyingforavisa,Icanstayinthecountryforjustthreemonths,soIdecidedtomakemyNewYorkstopthelongestbecauseLinaofferedherplace.Shesaidshecouldn’tbreakherleaseuntilDecemberandtheapartmentwouldbeemptyaftershemovedinwithAaronanyway,so…”
Rosie’slipswerepursedbutIcouldn’ttellwhyexactly,andIwouldn’tspendaquestiononthatwhentherewasamoreimportantoneIwantedtoask.
Irestedmychinonmyfist.“Whydoyouneedemotionalleverage?Withyourdad.”
Herchestdeflated.ShewasquietforsolongthatIthoughtshewasn’tgoingtoanswer,thatperhapsshewasdoneplayingthisgamewithsomemanwhohadbargedintoherlifelessthantwenty-fourhoursago.
Butthenshesaid,“Iquitmyjob.”Andherfollowingwordsseemedtotopplerightoutofher.“Mywell-paid,indefinitepositionasateamleaderinanengineeringfirm.That’swhyIsaidthatInolongerworkedatInTech.BecauseIresigned.Sixmonthsago.”Iopenedmymouthtospeakbutmorehurriedwordslefthers.“Mydaddoesn’tknow.Neitherdoesmybrother.OnlyLinadoes.AndAaron,ofcourse.Notbecausehe’sherhusbandbutbecausehewasmybossandIhadtohandmyresignationlettertohim.Andeveryoneattheoffice,obviously,becauseI’mnolongerthere.So,Iguess,somepeopleknow.Whattheydon’tknowiswhatpromptedit.”Shebotheredherlip.“Anyway,that’swhyIneededleveragewithDad.BecauseI’vebeen…keepingthishugethingfromhim.AndI’veneverliedtohim,notever.We’reveryclose.We’vealwaysbeenateam,DadandI.”
“Willhebemad?”Somethingunexpectedstirredinmygut.Protectiveness.Ishookitoff,attributingittoRosiebeingmylittlecousin’sbestfriend.AndtohowmuchIhatebullies.“Aboutyouquitting?Isthatwhyyouhaven’ttoldhim?”
“Ohno.He’dneverbeangryatmeforfollowingmydream.Evenifit’sarelativelynewone.”Thatsomehowappeasedme,butitalsomademeallthemorecurious.Arelativelynewdream?“ButIdon’tthinkhe’llbehappyaboutit,either.He’salwaysbeensoproudofme.Ofhisdaughterbeinganengineer.WorkinginManhattan.Wedidn’thavemuchgrowingup.”Shepaused.“WhenIgraduated,itwasthefirsttimeIeversawhimcry.Big,fattearsthatwouldn’tstopfalling.Ithinkhecriedforhours.AndwhenIgotapromotionlastyear,backwhenhewasstilllivinginQueens,hetoldeveryoneintheblock.‘MyBeanleadsateamnow.She’saleader!’Hethrewmeapartyandinvitedtheneighborsasif…Idon’tknow,asifhisdaughterhadjustwonaNobelPrizeorsomething.”Sheshookherheadwithasadsmile.“HewillbeterrifiedthatI’mthrowingeverythingawayforsomethingheprobablydoesn’tfullygrasp.That’swhyIhaven’tworkedupthecouragetotellhim.I’mscaredhewon’t…understandandsupportme.Andthatwouldbreakmyheart.”
“So,whatisit?”Icouldn’tstopmyselffromasking,cravingmore.“Thisnewdreamyouarechasing.”
IwatchedRosieallbutfoldintoherself,hershouldersfallingandhereyesleavingmine.AndIknewshewaspullingaway.“You’llthinkit’ssilly.”
“There’snosuchthingassillywhenitcomestodreams.Nomatterhowneworoldtheyare.”
Thoseemerald-greeneyesshiftedtomewithanewweight.
“Layitonme,RosalynGraham,”Icontinued.“Youdon’tknowthisaboutme,butIdon’tjudge.Ever.”
Herchestrosewithadeepbreath.“Iwroteandpublishedabook,”shefinallysaid.“Aromancebook.Overayearago.AroundthetimeIgotthepromotion.”
Asifshewassayingsomethingcompletelyridiculous.
Ifrowned.“That’samazing,Rosie.That’smorethanamazing.It’sincredible,andnotatallsilly.”
“There’s…moretoit.”
Noddingmyhead,Iencouragedhertokeepgoing.
“Iself-publishedit,underapenname,notmyrealname.AndIdidn’ttellanyoneatfirst,exceptforLina,becauseI…Well,Iwasscaredmycolleagueswouldn’ttakemeseriouslyiftheyknewIwaswritingwhatthey’dconsidersteamynovelsforboredhousewives.”Shesighed.“Howstupidisthat,huh?Insteadofbeingproudofmyself.”Ashakeofherhead.“ButIwasscaredsomeonewouldthinklessofmyworkasanengineer,orbelittlemybookjustbecauseit’sinagenrethat’ssounfairlyjudged,orbelittleme,becauseofsomethingIlove.Okay,notsomeone,butthem,theguysattheoffice.Mostlymen.Maybeevenmydad,too.Societyingeneral?Idon’tknow.”
Rosieseemedlostinthoughtforasecond,thencontinued,herexpressionbrighteningalittle.“Anyway.Thebookstartedgettingsomeattention.Nothinghuge,butmorethanIeveranticipated.Itslowlybutsteadilyescalatedfromthere,untilIwasofferedabookdeal.Anditwasthenthatsomethinginmesnapped.Isignedthecontractwiththepublisherandquitmyjob,whichissomethingveryoutofcharacterforme.Takingleapsisnotmything.Makingdecisionswithoutminimizingrisks,withouthavingtheassurancethatitwillallworkoutisnotsomethingI’veeverdone.Butdammit,itfeltgood.Terrifyingbutliberating.AsifIhadbeenwaitingmywholelifetobe…free.”Hersmilefell.“Andthen,itallwenttosh—”
Shestoppedherself.
“Itallwentwhere?”Iasked,realizingonlynowthatIhadinchedforwardinherdirection.Overthetable.
Rosiesquaredbackhershoulders.“You’vealreadymetyourquestionquota.”
“What?”Igrunted.
“You’veaskedyourfivequestions,”sheexplained.“So,nomoreforyou.”
Ihadforgottenwewerestillplayingthisgame.
“Me,ontheotherhand,”shepointedoutwithwhatIwasprettysurewassatisfaction,“I’vegottwomorequestions.”
Ileanedbackonmyseat.“IfeellikeI’vebeencheatedhere.”
Rosie’slipstippeduptheslightestbit.“Ialwaysplaybytherules.”Herchinlifted.“So…whatareyourplans,Lucas?”
Whilethatwasasimpleenoughquestion,itsomehowfeltlikeapunchtothegut.Becauseitonlyremindedmeofthetruth:Ididn’thaveaplan.Iwasnolongeramanwhothoughtintermsofplans.IwasNoPlanLucas.“Nothingspecial.Just…touriststuff.”
Silencesettledbetweenusassheweighedmycurtanswer.
Iclearedmythroat.“You’redowntoonequestion.”
Itonlytookherafewmoresecondsofscrutiny,andthenshesaid,“Whyweren’tyouatLinaandAaron’swedding?”
Myeyeswidened.Herquestionhadcaughtmecompletelyoffguard.Memoriesoftheweeksprecedingtheweddingpouredin,stealingthebreathrightoutofme.
Rosie,whomusthaveseeneverythingplayinginmyface,hesitated.
“Lucas—”
“It’sfine,”Icutheroff.Icouldplaybymyownrules.Onequestion,oneanswer.Nomatterhowlongordifficultitwas.“Icouldn’tattend,”Iforcedout,feelinglikeitwashardtobreathe.“Iwasnotabletomakeitintime.I…”Iblewoutashakybreath.“Iwas—”
Ishookmyhead.
Long,short,easy,orhard,Ididn’tseemtohaveananswerforher.Becausehowdidonefinishastatementthatrepresentedeverythingtheywererunningawayfrom?HellifIknew.
Somethingwarmbrushedthebackofmyhand,pullingmeoutofmyhead.
Lookingdown,mygazestumbleduponfivelonganddelicatefingerslooselywrappedaroundmyhand.
“Hey,”Iheardhersay,myeyesgluedtoourhands.“Youcouldn’tgo.That’savalidanswer,Lucas.Youplayedbytherules.”
TornbetweenshakingheroffandturningmyhandtolacemyfingersthroughhersfornootherreasonexceptbecauseIneededthephysicalcontact,Ineededtheclosenessofanotherhumanbeing,Isettledonneither.
IwentforwhatIdidbest.
IpulledmyselftogetherandgaveheragrinIhopeddidthetrick.
“Ourfivequestionsareup,”Itoldher.“WhattimeareyouleavingforPhilly?”
Herlipsparted,butbeforeshecouldgivemeananswer,herphonerang.Shefisheditoutofherbagandlookedatthescreenwithafrown.“Sorry,Ibettergetthis.”Pickingupthecall,shebroughtittoherear.“Hey,Dad,isOlly—”
Shewassilencedbywhateverwasbeingsaidontheline.
Hereyeswidened,panicetchinginherotherwisesoftfeatures.“Youwhat?”Shebreathedout.“Anambulance?”
Somethingdroppedinmystomachthemomentthatlastwordregistered.Andittumbledfurtherdownwhensheendedthecallafewsecondslaterandstoodwithajolt,barelylookingatme.
“Ineedtogo.”Shescrambledforherthings.“I’msorry.It’smydad.”Herhandshotforherpurse,snatchingitalittletoobrisklyanddroppingittothefloor.“Dammit.”
“Rosie,”Isaid,kneelingwithhertopickupthethingsthathadtumbledoutofherbag.MyjointscomplainedfiercelybutIignoredthepainasIpickedupherkeysandsomethingthatlookedlikealipstickbar.“Hey,Rosie?”Isearchedhergaze,placingtheitemsinherhands,andwhenshedidn’tlookatme,Islidmyfingerstoherwrists.Herskinwaswarm,soft.Isqueezedgentlybutfirmly.Justenoughtogetherattention.
Hergazefinallymetmine.
“Takeabreath,”Iinstructed.
Sheobeyed,fillingherlungswithairwhileweremainedcrouchingonthefloor,facingeachother.
“Doyouneedmetocomewithyou?”Isaidveryslowly.“Youarealittleshaken.”
“What?”Herfeaturessoftened.“That’s…No.It’sokay.”Shetookinanotherbreath.“I’mbeingsilly.Dad’sprobablyfine.It’shiship.Anoldinjury,butheslipped,andaneighborcalledanambulance.Hedidn’tevenneedme.HewascallingbecauseMrs.Hullthreatenedto.Anyway,IwasgoingtogotoPhillytodayeitherway.Soit’sokay.”
Wordsofreassurancerosetothetipofmytongue,butshedistractedmebystandingup.
Ifollowedsuit,takingextracarenottoleanmyweightonmyrightsidesowewouldn’thavearepeatoflastnight.
Rosiepulledoutherwallet,extractedafewtwenties,andplacedthemontopofthetable.“Here.”Shesmiledbeforepinningmewithaseriouslook.“Ithinkthiswillcoverourtab.”
Ourtab?
Ishookmyhead.“Rosie,no.Youdon’thaveto.”
“Takeit,”sheinsisted.“Please,Lucas.”
“Rosie…”Itrailedoff.ButwhatdidIexpectaftertellingherI’dlostmycardandthatIonlyhadafewbuckswithme.God.Iwasazopenco,likeAbuelalovedtocallmewhenIpulledoffsomethingthisstupid.
Shesmiled.“Ibettergo,now.”Shetookastepawayfromthebooth.“I’llbebacktotheapartmenttopickupallmythingsintheevening.Okay?”
“Goodluck.”Inoddedmyhead.“And…thankyou,Rosie.I’mreturningthis,Ipromise.Iwasn’tjokingwhenIsaidI’minyourdebt.”
Anewemotioncrossedherface.“Seeyoulater,Lucas.”
Iwatchedherassheapproachedtheexitofthediner,andjustbeforeshewalkedout,Icalled,“Oh,andplease,don’ttellyourdadaboutmeeatinghissausagerolls!I’dliketomakeagoodfirstimpression.”
Shedidn’tturnaround,butjustastheglassdoorclosedbehindher,Iheardherlaugh.
Itwasasweetsound.Softandguarded,justlikeher.
“Ahshit,”Isaidundermybreath,lookingdownatmyemptymugandtheborrowedbills.“Linamevaacortarlaspelotas.”CHAPTERFIVERosie
Ollydidn’tshowupatthestation.
Apartofmewasn’tevensurprised.IguessIhadexpectedhimtoblowmeoff.Butthathadn’tsoftenedtheblowwhenhedodgedmycall—again—andshotmeatextthatread:Can’tmakeit,bigsis.Sorry.
Luckily,onceIarrivedinPhilly,IdiscoveredthatDadwasfine,justalittlesorefromhisfall.Notthathe’dadmitit.Ohno.Athome,he’drefusedtoliedown,takepainkillers,orletmeprepareteaorfoodforhim.Repeatedly.ButthatwasJoeGrahamforyou.“I’mfine,Bean,”he’dsaidaboutathousandtimes.Followingthatupwith“Ireliedenoughonyouwhenyourmotherleftalltheseyearsago,Bean.Youshouldn’tworry,Bean.Whydidyoutakeadayoffworktocomefussoveryouroldman,Bean?Youareateamleadernow,Bean.Peopledependonyou.HaveyouheardfromOlly,bytheway?He’sokay,isn’the,Bean?”
So,bythetimeIwastakingthetrainbacktoManhattan,mylietallywasthesame,ifnothigheraftercoveringformylittlebrother—again—andIwassoemotionallydrainedfromdealingwithastubbornDadthatInolongerhadtheenergytoguilt-tripOlly.
AndthentherewasLucas.
Somethingtookflightinmystomach,makingmefeelgiddyandnervousandallkindsofflusteredatthethoughtofhim.
HereIwas,amostlyreasonableandindependentwoman,feelinglikeasixteen-year-oldfussingovertheideaofseeinghercrush.
OnlyLucasMartínwasn’tmycrush.Nope.HewasamanIdidn’treallyknow,whoseonlinepresenceonsocialmediaIhad…appreciatedaperfectlynormalamount.
HewasalsoamanIhadspilledagoodportionofmygutstoonlythismorning.Andithadfeltgood.Notjustfine,butgood
Andnowherewewere.Him,ontheothersideofLina’sdoor,probablywonderingifIwasgoingtoshowupatall,giventhetime,andwhoknows,maybeconsideringthrowingmyginormous,messypileofbelongingsoutthewindowifIdidn’t.No,becausehewouldneverdothat,avoicecountered.Andme,standinginthehallway,staringatthatdoorforawildlyinappropriateamountoftimewishingIhadX-rayvisionsoIcould…SoIcouldwhat?
Shakingmyself,Iletmyselfin.
ThemomentIturnedtheknob,though,Isecond-guessednotknocking.BecausewhatintheholyhellwasIdoingbarginginlikethis?WhatifLucas—
Whoa
Istoppedcoldinmytrackswiththedoorfullyopen,themostamazing,out-of-this-world-deliciousscenthittingmelikeawave.
“Rosie.”Myname—offLucas’slips,withthatrolloftheR—madeitthroughthehaze.“You’refinallyback.”
Blinkingacoupleoftimes,Izeroedinonhim.Hewasstandinginthekitchenofthestudio,infrontofthestove,withhisbacktome.HeworeafreshT-shirt,andhisbrownhairfellinadisheveledmessofwetlocks.Hemusthaveshoweredrecently,Iassumed,asIcouldseetinydropletsofwateronthebackofhisneck.Astrongneck.Andthevisibleskinwastannedandsmooth-looking,and…andIwasstaring.Ogling,really.
Iclearedmythroat.“Hi,”Icroaked.“I’mback,yes.Andyou’rehere,likeweagreed.WhichisgreatandnothingIshouldbesurprisedabout.”Cursingmyselffornotbeingabletoturnoffmyawkwardnessinfrontofthismanwhohaddonenothingtodeserveit,Iclosedthedoorbehindmeandstrodein.“Itsmellsincredibleinhere,Lucas.”
Finally.Somethingnormaltoleavemylips.
“I’mgladyouthinkso.”Hechuckled.“Ihopeittastesthatway,too.”
Takingineverythingalreadylaidoutonthesurfaceofthenarrowkitchenislandthatalsoservedasbreakfastbar,dinnertable,anddesk,itwashardtobelieveotherwise.
Likeabeedrawntoaflower,mylegscarriedmecloser,mygazegobblingeverythinginawe.Aplateoffragrantricesautéedwithcolorfulveggiessatinthemiddle.SomethingthatlookedlikecharredFetacheesedrizzledwithwhathadtobehoneywastoitsright.Andtotheleft,atrayfilledwithslicesofroastedbreadspreadwithpeppersandonions.
Anotherchucklereachedmyears,makingmerealizeLucaswasnolongeratthestovebutontheothersideoftheisland.Lookingatme,hisexpressiononeofpureamusement.“Comeon,”hesaid.“Haveaseatbeforeitgetscold.”
Myeyeswidened.“Havea…seat?”
“Whereelsewouldyoueat?”
“You’reinvitingmetohavedinner?”Iswallowed,amixofsurpriseandmoreofthatnervousgiddinessmakingmytummydrop.“Withyou?”
Hetiltedhisheadtooneside,studyingme.“Onlyifyou’rehungry.”
“I…”Didn’tknowwhattosay.WhichIrealizedhappenedwaytoooftenaroundLucas.
DidIwanttositdownandtakethischancetospendmoretime—beforewewentourseparateways—withLucas,ordidIwanttopolitelydecline,packmythings,leave,andfigureoutaplanofactionfortonight?
BeforeIcouldmakeupmymind,mystomachgrowled,providingLucaswithananswer.
Iwincedinhorror.
“Ah.”Lucaspointedoutwithhumor.“Howthetableshaveturned.Ithinkyourstomachistryingtocommunicatewithmethistimearound,RosalynGraham.AndI’mtakingitasacompliment.”
Hissmilewasbigandeasyashegrabbedtwoplatesfromthecounterandsetthemonthetable.Then,hewalkedrightwhereIwasstanding,stretchedanarm,andpulledoutthestoolclosertome.Hemetmygazeandpattedtheplushsurface.“You’rehungry,soit’ssettled.Sit.Tellmehowyourdadis.”
Mymouthopened,thenclosed.
Hisoffer,hiswords,weresweet.Considerate.Andinanot-so-shockingturnofevents—givenmylongonlinelurkinghistory—thiswassomethingIhadfantasizedaboutacoupledozentimes.HavingdinnerwithLucasMartín.Dinnerhehadcooked.Dinnerwewouldeattogether.
ButIhesitated.Standingthere,notmoving,exceptformyeyeballs,whichwerebusytrackingLucas’smovementsasheseteverythingup.
“Rosie,aseat?”herepeated.“Ican’tpromiseIwon’tbite,butIwilltrynotto.”
Andmynextbreathgotstuckinmythroatforasecondthere.
MycheeksflushedhotwhileItoldmyselftoreact.Tolaughitoff.Themanwasflirty,fun,easytobearound.Hewasjustbeingnice.
Iopenedmymouthandaboisterous,loudcacklecameout.
Lucas’seyebrowsshottotheroofofhisforehead.
Toomuch,Rosie.“Thatwasfunny.”Ipattedmychest,myscreechstillechoinginmyears.“Afunny,funnyjoke,ofcourse.Becauseyou’renotgoingtobiteme.Obviously.”
Lucasshookhishead.“I’mstartingtobelieveI’velostmytouch,”hemurmured.ButwhenIfinallyletmyselffallontothestool,thefrowndisappearedfromhisface.Hisexpressioneasedandturnedsomewhatserious.“Thankyou,Rosie.”
“Whyareyouthankingme?”Ianswered,myvoicethankfullygettingbacktonormal.
Heshrugged.“It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vesharedamealwithsomeone.Travelingalonehasitsperksbutitcanalsogetalittlelonely.IthinkIwasbeginningtofeelthatway.Untilthismorning.”Hemetmygaze.“Andnow.”
Istaredintothatpairofbrowneyesforafewseconds,feelingsomethinginsideofmesoftening,melting:myhesitation,myawkwardness,andmostlikely,somethingelse,too.“Thankyouforinvitingmetohavedinnerwithyou,Lucas.It’sreallymypleasure.”Andyouwouldn’tbelievehowmuch,Iwantedtoadd.
Hesmiled,andoncemoreitwasbigandhappyand…trouble.Somuchtrouble,IseemedtorealizeasIstaredatthoselipsofhis.Iwasinsticky,up-to-my-kneestroubleifhereallyplannedtoflashthatsmilelikeitwasnothing.
“So,how’syourdad?”heaskedagain,offeringtheplatterofsautéedrice.
Takingitfromhim,Iservedmyselfabigspoonful.“He’sokay.Hehasabadhip.Hetrippedononeofthecreepyyardgnomeshelovessomuch.”Iletoutasoftsnort.“Butluckily,he’sfine.Justalittlesore.Itcouldhavebeensomuchworse.Thegnomewastheonlycasualty.”
“I’mhappytohearthat,Rosie.”
Iwas,too.Andforsomereason,IdoubtedLucashadsaiditjusttobepolite.
“Thankyou,Lucas.”Lookingtooccupymyselfwithsomethingthatwasn’thisface,Ireachedforasliceofbreadandbroughtitstraighttomymouth.“Ohmygosh.”IprettymuchmoanedthemomentItastedthefirstbite.“Whatdidyoudotothesepeppers?Theytaste—Whoa.They’reamazing.”
“IcaramelizedthemwithredonionsandafewspicesIfoundinLina’scupboard.”Hewinked,bitingintohisslice,too.“TherestofthegroceriesIboughtwithmychangeandsomeofwhatyougaveme.”Hisexpressionturnedhesitant.“Rosie,IfeellikeIoweyou—”
“Don’tworryaboutit,okay?”Itoldhimbeforehecouldeventrytoexplainhimself.“I’mmorethanokaylendingyouafewbucksuntilyougetyourreplacement.Youdon’tknowanyoneinthecityandit’sreallytheleastIcando.Plus,you’veinvitedmetoeat.”Igesturedattheabsolutelymoan-worthyfeasthehadserved.“So,Ihardlyseehowthisisn’tagooddealforme.”IspoonedsomeofthatgooeyandshinyFetacheeseontomyplate.“I’ddooutrageousthingsforcheeselikethis.”
“I’llmakesuretorememberthat.Fornexttime.”
Nexttime.Didthatmean—
No.Itwasjustsomethingpeoplesaid.
Hecontinued,“Cooking—followedbyeatingwhatIcook—isoneoftheveryfewpleasurescapableoftakingmymindoffthingswhenI’mhavinganoffday.”
Ireadjustedthenapkinonmylapandreturnedallmyfocustomyfood.“Icanreallyseewhy,Lucas,”Itoldhim,keepingmyselffromaskingabouttheoffdayandassuminghewastalkingaboutlastnight’smess.
“So,Rosie,”Lucassaidafteracoupleofminutes.“I’veheardallabouthowyouandLinametandI’mgoingtobehonest,I’vebeendyingtohearyourversionoftheevents.”
Frowning,Isneakedaquickglanceathim.Thatbig,distractingsmilewasthereagain.Dammit.Ireturnedmygazetomyplate.“Myversionoftheevents?WemetduringIntroWeekatInTech.”
“Oh,that’ssonotwhatLinahasbeentellingaround.”Hechuckled,anditwaslowanddeepand…knowing.“You’rekindofalegendbackhome.”
“Alegend?”
“Yeah,it’snoteverydaythatakindsoulpullsmycousinoutofthewayofanescapedhorseandsavesherlife.”
“Awhat?”
Andjustlikethat,theeventshewasreferringtoflashedthroughmymindandtheonlylogicalresponsetothemwastriggered.
Agenuinedeepbellylaughburstoutofme.
“That’swhatLinatoldeveryone?”Iasked,andLucasnodded.“Unbelievable.Well,actually,IshouldhaveexpectedthatfromLina.”
“You’retellingmemyverylow-key,absolutelynot-dramaticcousinembellishedalittle?”Helaughed.“Youknow,sheevendescribesinterrifyingdetailhowherlifeflashedbeforehereyes.”Hetiltedhishead.“Allofitbeforeopeningthemandfindinghergreen-eyedguardianangelstandingbeforeher.”
Iscoffed.“Iguessthatexplainswhyyourgrandmothercriedwhenwemet.”
Withouttakinghisgazeoffme,Lucaspushedthecheeseplatterinmydirection.“Areyoureallytellingme,then,thattherewasnohorsedramaticallyrearing?”WhenIdidn’tservemyself,hereachedoutandspoonedapieceontomyplate.“Noyouswoopinginandsavingherlife?”
“Well,”Isaid,watchinghimretrievehishandswithasatisfiedlook.“AreyoufamiliarwiththehorsecarriagesinCentralPark?”
Lucasnodded,reachingforoneofthelastslicesofroastedbread.
“Theyaremostlyfortourists,ortheoccasionalgrandgesturedate,whichisalittle…unoriginal,ifyouaskme.Ihavenothingagainstgestures,ofcourse.Butromance—big,grandgestures—shouldbeaboutsomethingpersonal.Wellthoughtout,like—”
Ourgazesmetagain,bringingmywordstoastopwhenIspottedtheamusementinhiseyes.
“Anyway.”Ishruggedashoulder.“Don’taskmehow,butoneofthehorseswaslooseandmarchingacrossCentralParkattheslowestpaceknownto…well,horses.EnterLina,headphoneson,clearlylost,lookingatGoogleMapsapponherphone.”Onlylater,Ihadlearnedmybestfriendhadnosenseofdirection.“Thatsamemorning,Ihadseenherspillapotofcoffeeonsomeone’spants,soIknewherbasicreflexesweren’texactlysupersharp.”
Lucassnickered.“Oh,definitelynotherforte.”
“Right?”Ichuckled.“Anyway,Iyelledforhertowatchout,andwhenshedidn’tmove,Ijustwentandpulledheroutoftheway.”
Lucastsked.“That’sdefinitelynottheversionI’vebeenhearingabouteverysingleChristmassinceshemetyou.”
EverysingleChristmas?
Lucashadbeenhearingaboutit—aboutme—everysingleChristmas?
“Sorrytodisappointyou.”Ipickedmyforkbackup,loadingitwithrice.“I’mnoguardianangel.Orheroine.Justyourrun-of-the-millengineerturnedromancewriter.”Itiltedmyhead.“Oh.That’sthefirsttimeIsaidthatoutloud.”
Hissmileturnedwarmer.“Andhowdiditfeel?”
Ithoughtaboutmyanswer.“Good.Itwasgoodtosayit.Tohearit.”
IjustwishedIfeltconfidentinthesenewshoesIhadslippedon.ButIdidn’t,notrightnow.Mostlybecause…couldsomeonewhohadwrittenonesinglebookbeconsideredawriter?Howcouldsomeonewhohadhardlymadeitpastthefirstchapterofhersecondonefeellikeawriter?
Mystomachdroppedatthethought.
Ididn’tknowifLucasmissedthatornot,buthesaid,“CanIaskyousomethingelse?It’salittlepersonal.”
“Ofcourse,”Iansweredwithasigh,remnantsofself-doubtstillstirringinmygut.
“Younevertoldmehowyoufeltaboutgivingupyourengineeringjob.Youtoldmehowthosearoundyoumightfeelaboutyouwriting,andhowyouexpectedyourdadtofeelaboutyouquitting.Butyouneversaidhowyoufelt.”
Andthatwas…aquestionIhadn’texpectedhimtoask.Aquestionnoone—fromthepeoplewhoknew—hadthoughttoask.
HowdidIfeel,though?IknewwhyIhadresigned.Buthadthatbeentherightthingtodo?Didapartofmeregretit?WasthefactthatIhadn’tbeenabletowriteasinglefreakingwordsincethenasignofhowbigamistakeIhadmade?
“It’snoneofmybusiness,Iknow,”hesaidafteralongsilenceonmypart.Hissmilewaslopsided,almostself-conscious.“It’sokay.”
“I…”Itrailedoff.
Hewatchedmeforafewseconds,andwhenIstillgavehimnothing,heresumedeating,actinglikeitwasn’tabigdeal.Probablybecausehereallythoughtitwasn’t.
“Iwasn’tunhappy,”Ifinallymanagedtosay,andheglancedupatmeveryslowly,asifasuddenmovementwouldsomehowscaremeaway.“IthinkIwouldstillbehappyworkingforInTechifIhadn’tfoundsomethingthatI…finallyloved.Somethingthatmademeunderstandwhatreallylovingwhatyoudois.Somethingthatcompletedmeinawayengineeringneverdid,evenifIdidn’tyetknowandwasneverunhappy.”Ireleasedalltheairinmylungs,feelinglikeaprickedballoon,deflating.“That’sprobablywhyit’ssohardformetotalkaboutit.Becausethisnewthing,thisnewdream,seemssofragile.Like,I’mholdingitinmyhands,butthefeelofitisso…new,sounfamiliar,thatI’mterrifiedImightdropandshatterit,soIjust…standthereandlookatitinsilence.”
AndbecauseeverydaythatIinchedclosertothatdeadline—noweightweeksaway—everydaythatpassedwithoutmewritingasinglewordorbeingabletoaccesswhateverhadbeeninsideofmenotsolongago,Ifeltlikeitwasfalling.LikeIwasfailing.
“Hey.”Lucas’svoiceregistered,makingmerealizeIhadbeenstaringintoemptyspace.“You’reballsy,Rosie.”Therightsideofhismouthtippedup.“That’ssomethingyoushouldneverforget.Andsomethingyoushouldbeproudof.”
Ballsy.I’dneverbeencalledthat.Notevenonce.Cautious,responsible,driven,butneverballsy.
“Thankyou,”Isaid,soquietlyIwasn’tevensurehe’dheardit.“Butenoughaboutme.”Istraightenedonmystool.“What,asidefromfood,makesyoufeelbetterwhenyou’refeelingoff?”
Lucasthoughtaboutmyquestionforjustaninstant.Then,heleanedonhiselbows.Slowly.Hisvoicedroppeddown,asifhewaslettingmeintoasecretandIfeltmyselfleanforward,too.“It’ssomethingalmostasfunaseating,butitinvolvesfarlessclothing.”
Mybreathstuckinmythroat,notcaringthatIhadbeenintheprocessofswallowing.Consequently,arunawayricegrainwentdownthewrongpipe,makingmebreakintoafitofcoughing.
“PorDios,”Iheardhimsaybetweenmyshallowpuffsofair.“Rosie,areyouokay?”
Nope.Iwasn’t.Clearly.BecausethementalimageofLucas—infarlessclothingthanhewasnow,doingfunthings—hadsentmymostbasicbodyfunctionintoshock.
WhenIdidn’tanswerandonlykeptcoughing,acurseinwhatmusthavebeenSpanishlefthim.Hestoodupandshotinmydirection.
Beforehe’dthinkofwrappinghisarmsaroundmeandHeimlichingme,Itookmattersintomyownhandsandreachedacrossthetableforaglassofwater.
“Holdon,Rosie,”LucaswarnedjustasItippedtheglassup.“Notsofast!That’s—Oh.Okay.”
Idownedthecontentsofitandplaceditbackonthetable.“Wine,”Isaidalittlebreathlessly.“Thatwaswhitewine.”WhichIhadn’tevennoticedonthetable.Because,well.BecauseI’dbeenbusynoticingLucas.
“Yeah,”headmitted,andIcouldheartheamusementdancinginhiswords.“Well,itdidthetrick.”
“Yep.”Iclearedmythroatandstraightenedinmystool,refusingtolookupathim.God,thisreallyneedstostop.“CanI…CanIgetarefill,please?”
Hisanswerdidn’tcomeforalongmoment.“Yousure?Youjustdownedafullglassofit.”
FeelingLucas’seyesonthesideofmyhead,Ifinallydaredtomeethisgaze.Hewasstudyingme.“Irarelyeverdrink.”Isighed.“Buttodaymightbeatwoglassesofwinekindofday.Orweek,maybe.Plus,we’remostlydonewiththefood,soImightneedsomethingnewtotakemymindoffthings.”HelookedalittlesurprisedbymyadmissionandIfelttheneedtoadd,“Somethingthatdoesn’tinvolvelessclothing.”
Slowly,andalmostreluctantly,Lucaspouredmoreofthegoldenliquid.“Yourbrother,”hepointedoutsimply.“Youmentionedhe’dbeendodgingyourcalls.Isthatwhyit’satwoglasseskindofday?”
“Youhavegoodmemory,”Imurmured
“I’magoodlistener.”Hereturnedtohisseatacrosstheisland,makingsuretomeetmygaze.“Hewasn’ttheretoday,washe?Atyourdad’s.”
Inarrowedmyeyestothinslits.“Whoareyou?Dr.Phil?”
“Doctor…who?”
“He’sapsychologistandtalkshowhost.”Ireachedformyglass.“Peoplegoonhisshow,Dr.Philhasalittlelookinsidetheirsoulsandboom,uprootsandfixesalltheirdeepestconcerns.”
Lucassmirked.“Ishehandsome?IsthatwhyIremindyouofhim?”
Alaughclimbedupmythroat,leavingmebeforeIcouldstopit.“OhGod,no.”
Lucas’slopsidedsmilefelloff.“Oh.”
“Imean,you’rehandsome,”Ifelttheneedtoclarify.Then,immediatelyregrettedit.“Objectively.Tothepeopleoutthere.Notsubjectively,asin,tome.You’reobjectivelyhandsome,I…guess.”
“You…guess?”Lucas’slipspursed.“Ifeellikethere’sacomplimentsomewhere,butI’mhavingahardtimefindingit.”
Ifyouonlyknew,Ithought.Butinstead,Isaid,“It’sthefactthatIseemtobeusingyouasmytherapeuticcrutchalot.We’veknowneachotherforatotalofwhat?Aday?Andyouknowmoreaboutmethanmostpeoplethathavebeeninmylifeforyears.”Ishruggedashoulder.“That’swhyIwascomparingyoutohim.”
Hissmilereturned.“BeingusedbybeautifulwomenissomethingIdon’tmindintheslightest.”
Beautifulwomen.
Myheartdidthesilliest,stupidestcartwheel.
Ireturnedtheglasstomylipsjusttobuysometime,tryingtofocusonwomen,plural,andnotwoman,asinme,Rosie.Althoughwhatdiditmatter,really?ThiswasLucasMartín,andaftertonight,therewasnothingtyingustogether.NotwhenLinawasn’tinNewYorktosupplyanexcuseforustomeetagain,anddefinitelynotwheninaboutamonthandahalfhe’dbejumpingonaplaneandleavingthecountry.Thecontinent.Soitdidn’tmatterifhewasreferringtomeornot.
“So,mybrother,”Isaid,takingtheconversationbackontoasaferground,“didn’tevenshowup.Heblewmeoff.Again.”
Lucasnodded.“Didhesaywhy?”
“Hedidn’t.Henevertellsmeanythinganymore.”Ireachedformynapkin,justtooccupymyhandswithsomething.“Andthat’sthewholeproblem.Ijust…don’tknowwhat’supwithhim.It’sasifInolongerknowhim,likehedoesn’twantmeinhislifeanymore.”Ishookmyhead,squeezingtheclothbetweenmyfingers.“Andthatmakesmeincrediblysad.”
IlookedupatLucas,findinghisattentivegazeonmeashechewedonthelastofhisfood.“Andyourdad?”
“He’sprobablyblaminghimself.Heprobablyfeelslikehecouldhavedonesomethingifhe’dstayedinthecity.”Idroppedthenapkinnexttomyplateandreachedforthewineagain.“That’swhyIalwayscoverforhim.TellDadthathe’sbusy.Thathehasanewjob.Thathe’slivinghislife.Thathe’sanadultandweneedtogivehimsomeroomtogrowonhisown.ButI’mnotsureIbelievethatmyselfanymore.”Idownedthecontentsofmyglass.“Ithinkthere’ssomethinghe’snottellingus.Somethinghe’skeepingfromme.”
Lucasnodded,momentarilyavertinghisgaze.“Whatdoyouthinkthatcouldbe?”
Closingmyeyes,Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow,Lucas.”Izeroedbackonhimandforcedasmile.“See?Atwoglasseskindofnight.”
Lucasremainedsilentforafewseconds,seeminglylostinthought.Thenhesaid,“Sometimeswekeepthingsfromthoseweloveforreasonswedon’tevenunderstandourselves.”
AndforsomereasonIcouldn’treallyexplain,hiswordsfeltlikeaconfession.
Hecontinued,“Givehimsometime.He’llrealizeonhisownhowisolatingsecretscanbe.”
Alittlelostintheshadowscrossinghisexpression,ittookmesometimetoanswer.“Ihopeyou’reright,Dr.Phil.”
ShiftinginmyseatIrememberedthatIwasn’ttheonlyoneintheroomthathadhadastrangeday.“Ishouldprobablygo.Youmustbeexhaustedaftertheweirdesttwenty-fourhoursofyourlife.”
Hechuckled,returningtohislightheartedself.“Iwouldn’tsayweird,”headmitted.
Iwouldn’t,either,Ithought.ButIdidn’tsayanythingandrosetomyfeetinstead,thecoupleglassesofwineI’dingestedinthespanofafewminutesracingstraighttomyheadandmakingmewobbleforthetiniestsecond.
Lucas’sbrowswrinkled.
“Whoops,Istooduptoofast.”Iplayeditdownwithalightlaugh.“Well,dinnerwasgreat,Lucas.Seriously.ThebestI’vehadinawhile.Thanksagainforinvitingme.”
Hismouthtwitched,makingmehopeforonelastsunnygrinbeforeleavingbutitneverreallyhappened.Instead,hestoodupandwalkedtothelivingroomareaofthestudio.Leavingmethere,staringatthewayhiswideandleanbackshiftedwitheverystep.HeploppedhimselfdownonthelargecouchIknewmybestfriendhadsplurgedonaboutayearago.
HereachedfortheremoteandturnedtheTVon.HetappedonthesmartTVoptions,displayingthesubscriptionapps.“ShereallyhaseverysinglestreamingserviceIcanthinkof.”
“Uhm,”Imuttered,wonderingifIwasgettingagoodbyefromhim.“Yeah.Wespendalotofnightsin.”Morelikeallofthem.“Orusedto,beforeAaronandthewedding.”
Andithitmerightthen,thatmaybeLucaswasn’ttheonlyonethathadbeenfeelingalittlelonelylately.MaybeIwas,too.
Heturned,lookingatmeoverhisshoulder.“Areyoucoming?”
Iblinked.
Lucas’ssmirkreturned.“Don’tlookatmelikethat.I’llletyoupick.”
Ihesitated.“I…Ishouldprobablystartgatheringmythings.IhavealotofstuffandIunpackedmorethannecessary.Ialsodidn’tgetaroundtobookingsomethingforthenightandIshoulddothat.”Andthatwasevidenceofhowscatteredmythoughtshadbeentoday.BecauseIwas“AlwaysReadyRosie,”andanyotherdaythatwouldhavebeenatthetopofmylist.Doneandready.
“Or,”Lucaspointedout,“youcanrelaxwhilewewatchsomething,andthenI’llhelpyougetyourstuff.”Helookeddownathiswatch.“It’sonly8:30p.m.AndIdon’tgiveremoterightstojustanybody.”
“Iguess…”Itookonesmallstepforward,feelingmyheadsway.ThisiswhyIdon’tusuallydrink.“Iguessrelaxingforabitwon’thurt.”Anotherstep.“Iguess…Icouldstay.”
“Then,whatareyouwaitingfor,Rosie?”
Yep.Ididn’tjustguess.Iwantedtostaybadlyenoughtoclosetherestofthedistance,snagtheremoteoutofhisgrip,andjoinhimonthecouch.Oratleastthewinedid.
Acoupleofepisodesofmyfavoriteshowlater,Ihadnotonlyrelaxedbutsuccumbedtothementalexhaustionofthelasthours—anddaysandweeks.
Shiftingmylaxbodyonthecouch,Iturnedandletmyheadfallonthepillow.MydrowsyeyestookinLucas’sprofile.
Definednose,strongjaw,highcheekbones,fulllips…andthathair.Thoselocksthatwereonthelongersideandthatstillmanagedtomakemystomachdipwithsurpriseandsomethingelse.Something…warmerthatIdidn’twanttothinktoomuchabout.NotwhenIcouldjustlookathim.
Yeah.Thisnewlooksuitedhim.FarmorethanthebuzzcutonehesportedonInstagram.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,Iheardmyselfwhisper,“Lucas?”
Isawthecornerofhislipsturnupbeforehewhisperedback,“Rosie?”
Ichuckled.“Imightstillbealittletipsy.AndI’msotired,too.ImightdozeoffifIdon’tstanduprightnow.”
Itwashisturntolaugh.“Youmight,”hesaid,butthen,hismouthfellandhisnecksomehowtensed.Herolledhisheadtowardmeandmadesuretomeetmygaze.“Doesthatworryyou?”
Ifrowned,alittleslowtofollow.
Hisbrowsbunchedup.“Itshouldn’t.Youknowyou’resafewithme,right?”
Oh
Somethinginmystomachtookadeepdiveattheseriousnessinhistone.“Iknow,”Itoldhim.AndImeantit.IdidknowIwassafewithhim.
Hisexpressionandshouldersrelaxed,causingmeadeepsenseofsatisfactionIdidn’tunderstand.
“YouknowwhyIknow?”Iasked.
Hewaitedformyanswer.
“BecauseIknowyounoticedIwastipsy,andthat’swhyyouinsistedIstayed.YouweremakingsureIwasokaybeforeIleft.”
Noddinghishead,heseemedtothinkaboutsomething.Tomysurprise,heturnedbacktothescreen,andonlywhenhewasfacingaway,heloweredhisvoiceandsaid,“Nowquiet.I’mtryingtowatchmyshow.”
Whichbroughtthestupidestsmiletomyface.Becauseitwasn’thisshow.Itwasmine.Mysupernaturalteenshowfilledwithvampiresandwerewolvesandmagicringsandenchantedlocketsandmysticcuresandmorethanafairshareofover-the-topdrama.
“Lucas?”Irepeatedafterafewmoments.
Thecornerofhismouthtwitchedagain.“Yeah,Rosie?”
“Thankyou.”Forlistening.Andfortonight.Andformakingmefeel…lessaloneAlittlelessburdened,evenifonlyforalittlewhile.“IthinkIreallyneededtotalktosomeone,andIwanttomakesureyouknow.”
Helookedoveratmeagain,andhemusthaveseenthegravityofmywordsinmyfacebecauseheasked,“What’swrong?”
Thewinehadprobablyobliteratedthelastofmyfilters,andhisexpressionwassokind,sogentle,thatitwasimpossiblenottoanswer.
“Remembermynewdream?”Iaskedwithabig,longsigh,bringingmyhandsbetweenmycheekandthepillowunderneath.“Ihaveadeadline,formysecondbook,andI’mrunningoutoftime.”Iloweredmyvoicetobarelyawhisper.“ThisismychancetoprovetomyselfthatIdidn’tmakeamistake,Lucas.AndImightnotmakeit.”
ApartofmerealizedIwasn’ttellinghimmuch.Infact,Iwasreallytellinghimnothingabouttherealproblem:me,feelinglikesomeonewascuttingofftheoxygensupplyeverytimeIopenedthatmanuscript;me,drowninginpressure,inparalyzingfear;meblocked.Stuck.
ButLucasjustrolledhisbody,anglinghimselfinmydirection,andrestedthesideofhisheadonthecushionbehindhim,mirroringmyposture.
Hislipspressedinasternline.“You’llfigureitout,Rosie.”HisgazeburnedwithaconfidencethatIhadn’tyetearned.“You’vegottenthisfar.Idon’tneedtoknowmuchaboutyoutoknowthatyou’llkeeppushing.That’swhatballsypeopledo.”
Ballsy.Ilikedhowitfelttobecalledballsy.Byhim.
ButIstillwantedtotellhimthathecouldn’tknowforsure.ThatIcouldbeafraudorafailure.Icouldhavemadeamistakerushingintothis.ButitwashardformetobenegativearoundLucaswhenhemanagedtoshineabrightlight.“Ihopeyou’reright.”
Hisvoicelowered,turningsolemn.“Wanttobetonit?”
Ichuckled.“I’drathernot.”
“Good,becauseitwouldbemyeasiestwin.”
Hesmiled,andIthinkIdid,too.
Timetickedbyaswestaredateachother,theshowplayinginthebackground.Andatsomepoint,secondsorminuteslater,Ifeltmyeyelidsgrowheavyandconsciousnessslowlyslipawayfrommeasanunexpectedandvaguethoughttookshapeinmyhead.
WhatwouldhavehappenedifLucashadattendedLinaandAaron’swedding?Ifwe’dmetthatday?Wouldithavebeenthis…easy,thiseffortless,totalktohim?
ButbeforeIcouldconjureananswer,sleepwonthebattle,takingmeoverwithit.CHAPTERSIXLucas
Myeyessnappedopen;abreathstuckinmythroat.
OneofmyhandslandedonmychestandI…couldn’tbreathe.
I…Joder
Slowly,Imanagedtoforcemyfingerstorubcirclesovermyribcage,attemptingtorelievethepressuregrippingmylungs.
I’mnotinthewater,Iremindedmyself.Iambreathing.
AndIwassleeping.
Disoriented,Iletmygazeroam,takingmysurroundingsinwhathadtobethemorninglight.Acolorfulpaintinghungonthewallaboveme.Twowineglassesrestedontopofakitchenislandafewfeetaway.MyshabbybackpacklayatthefeetofthecouchIwaslyingon.
Thecouch.
HadIfallenasleepatAbuela’sagain?No,thiswasn’therbeattwo-seaterthathadseenbettertimes.Itwasn’therlivingroom,either.Everypieceoffurnitureandthedécorwastrendyandvibrant.Itremindedmeof—
Itallcametome,then.
Thiswasn’tSpain,ormygrandmother’shouse.IwasinNewYork.InLina’sapartment.AndI’dspentthenightonhercouch.
Passingbothhandsupanddownmyface,Irubbedmyeyes,allthewhilerepeatingthemantraIhadusedinnumerabletimesinthelastmonths.
Itwasjustadream.I’mokay.
Althoughthatlastpartmightbealie.IwasasokayasI’deverbe.Becausethiswasmynewlife.NotNewYork,butthis.Wakingupcoveredincoldsweatwithmusclesthathadoncebeeninprimeconditionnowsoreandtightandunreliable.
Softsnoringfromafewfeettomyleftcaughtmyattention.Withawince,Ithrewbothmylegsoffthecouchandlookedforthesourceofthesound.Itdidn’ttakemelongtozeroinonthefigurelyinginthemiddleofthemasterbed.Darkcurlssplayedonthepillow
Rosie.RosalynGraham.
Iwasn’tsurprisedthatshe’dfallenasleeplastnight.Infact,Iwasshockedithadn’thappeneduntilthefourthorfifthepisodeofthatvampireshowsheknewbyheart.Asmuchaswebothhadfoughttostayawake—herbecauseshehadeveryintentionofleaving,andme,because,damn,thatshowwaslacedwithcrack—we’ddozedoff.Andithadn’tbeenuntillater,afterwhatIassumedwasacoupleofhours,thatI’dwokenuptoacramptravelingdownmyrightlegandfoundhersnoringnexttome.So,withoutgivingitmuchthought,I’dturnedofftheTV,pickedRosieupasbestasIcould,andcarriedhertothebed.
Ourconversationfromthenightbeforecamebacktome—weweren’tthatdifferent,sheandI,bothafraidofthefuture.Only,Rosiehadtheworldatherfeet,andinmycase,minehadopenedupunderme.IrippedmygazefromRosie’ssleepingshapeandheadedforthebathroom.Myskinfeltclammyandmybodytight,soIclosedthedoorbehindmeandjumpedintotheshower.
Afteranindecentlylongtimeunderthescaldinghotwater,Imademyselfturnofftheshower,wrappedatowelaroundmyhips,grabbedmydiscardedclothes,andwalkedoutofthebathroom.
Feelingalotmorelikemyself,IshookmyheadasIstoodthere,inspectingagainthenicealbeitsmallapartmentinBrooklyn,NewYork.WhathadLinacalledit?Her…studio?Loft?Icouldn’tremember.Butconsideringitwasanopenspacewithnoroomsbutthebathroom,Iguessedithadoneofthosefancysoundingdescriptorstomakeitsoundchicer.LikeinthoseAmericanremodelingshowsAbuelalovedsomuch,thatgotdubbedintoSpanishbackhome.
“Lucas?”Rosie’svoicedraggedmebacktothepresent.
Turning,Ifoundhersittinginthemiddleofthebedwiththecomfortercurledaroundherlegs.Shelookedlikeshehadjustwokenup,buthereyeswerewide,thegreeninthemimpossiblylight.
Mylipsstretchedintoasmile.“Buenosdías.”
Hergazedippeddown,thenbackupagain.“Ohmy…Hi,yeah.Hello,”shestuttered,hercheeksturningpink.“G-Goodmorning.”
Ifrowned.“Youokay?”
Hereyestraileddownmychestagain.Slowlyatfirst,thenalittlefrantically.Asifshecouldn’tdecidewheretolook.
“Youshowered,”shepointedout.“Andnow,you’reinatowel.”
Followingthedirectionofhergaze,Ilookeddown,too,checkingforwardrobe—ortowel—malfunctions,makingsurethescarsonmykneeandthighweren’tvisible.Everythingwasinorderandthetowelcoveredthenowmostlyhealedmarks.Myeyesreturnedtoherface.
“Issomethingwrong?”
Sheshookherhead,hereyesdivingonemoretime.
Oh.Nothingwaswrong.Rosiewasjustcheckingmeout.Blatantly.Probablyalittleunknowingly,too.
HereyessettledonthetattooIhadontheleftsideofmytorso,coveringabigpartofmyribcage.Shestudieditforalongmoment.
Incapableofhelpingmyself,Iaskedinthemostserioustone,“Enjoyingtheview?”
Hereyesjerkedtomyface.“Sorry,what?”
“Areyouenjoyingtheview?”Irepeated,barelyholdingmylaughter.
“Oh…Oh.Iwasn’toglingyou.I…happentolovetattoos,”sherushedout.“I’mahugefanofthem,actually.That’sallIwaschecking.Isitawave?It’sbeautiful.Stunninglinework.Didithurt?Ibetitdid.”Shetookadeepbreath.“I…yeah,Ilovetattoosonmen.Orpeopleingeneral.”
Instinctively,mypalmwenttomysideandframedthedesign.Irubbedmyfingersoverit,drivinghergazebackthere.
“I’mgladyouapprove.”Achucklefinallyleftme.“ForasecondthereIthoughtI’dcrossedalinewalkingaroundlikethis.ButIguessyouwerejustalittledistracted.”Ipaused.“Becauseofthetattoo.”
“Ohyes.”Rosienoddedherheadvigorously.“Totally.YoucouldstrollaroundcompletelynakedandIwouldn’tevenbataneyelid.”
“Good,”Ianswered,lettingherthinkIbelievedher.Ididn’t.She’dbeaffected.IfIdroppedmytowelrightthismoment,she’dprobablyblushsohardshe’dpassout.AndIfoundmyselfenjoyingthatknowledgealittletoomuch.“I’llmakesuretorememberthat.Nakedness,okay.”
“Awesome,”shecroaked.“Reallygreat.”
Hidingmysmile,Iturnedawayfromher.“DidIwakeyou?It’salittleearlyforlongshowers.”
“Youdidn’t,”shesaidasIwalkedwheremybackpackwasandthrewitopen.“I’malwaysupatdawn.I’mnotmuchofasleeper.”
“Thatmakesthetwoofus.”Isnaggedachangeofclothesandglancedather.“DoyouneedthebathroombeforeIgochange?”Iasked,crossingmyarmsinfrontofmychestandflexingmybicepsthetiniestbitbecausemyegowasalittletoopleasedwithherattention.Hereyestippeddownquicklyandwidened.“OrIcouldchangerighthere.Withyoubeingokaywithnaked—”
“No!”sherushedout.“Goahead,please.I’llgetthecoffeestarted.”
Withasatisfiednod,Idisappearedintothebathroomagain.WhenIreturnedRosiewasplacingtwomugsonthecounter.Shehadchangedoutoflastnight’ssweaterandintoablacksleevelesstop.Herhairwaswrappedinsomekindofcolorfultieatthetopofherhead.Inadvertently,mygazetraileddownherneck,followingthelineofherthroatandshoulders,allthewaydownherarmsandback,takinginthesoftcurvesofherbodyandhopelesslyreachingherbackside.Itwasagood,rounded—
Ishookmyself.
No.Icouldn’tcheckheroutlikethis.NotwhenIwasabouttosuggesttheplanI’dcomeupwithintheshower.
Rosieturnedtofaceme,anapologyshininginhereyes.“Iswear,Imeanttoleavelastnight.I’msorryIdozedoff.”
“Nothingtobesorryabout.”Iwavedahandinfrontofme,meaningeveryword.“Youwereexhausted,andIwas,too.Webothfellasleep.”
Sheseemedtoconsidersomething.“Youputmetobed,though,didn’tyou?Youreallydidn’tneedtodothat.”Shegrabbedthecoffeepotandplaceditontheisland.“Icouldhavestayedonthecouch.”
“Itwasn’taproblem.”Ishrugged
Shepulledoutastoolandsatdowninfrontofme.“Itwasverysweetofyoutodothat.”Sheavertedhereyesandbusiedherselfwiththecoffeepot.“Youknow,”shesaid,fillingbothmugs,“Linamentionedhowmuchofabruteyouare,andIkeepwonderingwhysheeversaidthat.”
“Oh.”Iletoutalaugh.“Trustme,shehasmorethanacoupleofreasonstosaysomethinglikethat.Iwasabitofanightmarewhenwewerekids.Asateenager,too.”Isnickered.“And,well,Istillamonoccasion.”
“Youseemtobeonyourbestbehaviornow.”
ImethergazeasIdraggedmycoffeetowardme.“I’mactuallygladyouthinkthatway.”
“You’reglad?”Asmallfrowntuggedatherbrows.“Whywouldyoube?”
Readyingmyself,Iwaiteduntilshetookasipofhercoffee,thenIsaid,“BecauseIthinkyoushouldstay.”
Rosieloweredhermugveryslowly.“Like,now?Forbreakfast?”
“No,Imeanforaslongasyouwantorneedto.”Iletthatsinkin,thenadded,“Stayhere,inLina’sapartmentwithme.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“What?Ican’t.”
“Whynot?”Isippedmycoffee.
Theconvictioninmyvoicemusthaveworkedinmyfavorbecauseshestutteredoverherwords.“Becauseyou’re…you’re…Lucas.AndIdon’t…livehere?”
“Youcan’tstayinyourapartment,”Ipointedout,holdingmymugbetweenmyhands.“Anditdoesn’tseemlikeyoucanstayatyourdad’s,either.Otherwise,youwouldbethererightnow.ButcorrectmeifI’mwrong.”
Rosie’sshoulderssunk.“No.You’renotwrong.”
Shehadn’texplicitlysaidsolastnight,butI’dguessed.AndIgotit.Iunderstoodthat.FarmorethanIwascomfortableadmitting.“So,stayhere,giveyourselfsometimetoworkthingsout.”
“Butit’sastudioapartmentwithonebed,andLinapromisedyoutheplace,Lucas.”
“Wecanshareitifyou’reokaywiththat.”
Rosie’searsturnedpink.
Itiltedmyhead.“Theapartment,notthebed.”
Sheletoutahumorlesslaugh.“Ofcourse.”Apause.“ButifIamtheoneokaywithsharing?”
“Yousaidwecouldn’tbothstayherethenightIarrived,soIthoughtI’dcheck.”
“Ididsaythat,”shemurmured.Then,hervoicedroppedwithsomethingthatsoundedalotlikeregret.“ButIdidn’tmeanitthatway.Idon’tmindsharingtheapartmentwithyou.You’re…surprisinglywonderful.Actually,Ishouldn’tevenbesurprised.”
Ifrowned,wonderingwhatshemeantbythat.
Lostinthought,Rosie’shandwenttothetopofherhead,absentmindedlyfixinglocksofhair.“Myplanwaslookingforacheaphotel,oranAirbnborsomething.Istartedcheckingyesterdayonmywayback,butit’sjust…”
“Expensive,”Ifinishedforher.“Exhausting,too.Iknow.IsearchedbeforeLinaofferedherplace.”Istraightenedonmystool,makingsuretomeethergaze.“Stayhere,Rosie.”Iofferedherforwhatwouldbethelasttime.Iwasn’tgoingtopushthisonher.“Foraslongasyouwantorneedto.Butjust…don’tthrowawaythemoneyonanoverpricedroomrushingoutofherejustbecauseyouthinkyou’llinconvenienceme.I’mtheoneoffering.”
Somethingnewcrystallizedinhergaze.SomethingIwasprettysuremeantshewasconsideringit.
Shehesitated,thenasked,“Won’tIcrowdyou?”
“DoIlookcrowdedtoyou?”
Sheshookherhead.
“Westayedthenightanditworked,didn’tit?”Isaid,andsheshrugged.“Andyou’reforgettingI’matourist.Theapartmentwillbeemptymostofthedayanyway.Plentyofquietforyoutoconcentrate.Toworkandmakeyourdeadline.”
Sheperkedup,butjustasquicklyshesighed.“ButIcan’tletyousleeponacouch.”
Icheckedthepieceoffurniture,notseeingtheproblem.“I’vesleptinfarworseplacesthanacouchinatrendyapartmentinBrooklyn.”
“Whatplaces?”
“OnAbuela’sthirty-year-oldsofa,onanairmattress,atowelonthesand,orthefloorofmyvanwheneverthemattressgotdrenchedbytherain,whichwasoften.”Ishruggedashoulder.“Icangoon.I’velivedontheroadforlongperiodsoftime.Sotrustme,thatplushandfancycouchisadream.”
Rosietookhertimetoprocessthat.“Ontheroadbecauseofthecompetitions?”
Awaveofcoldandheavyrealitywashedoverme.
“Linabraggedaboutyoueverytimeyouqualifiedforatournament,”Rosieexplained.“She’dshowmepictures.Ofyou.”
ThatsettledlikeastonedeepinmystomachbecauseneitherLinanortherestoftheMartínfamilywasawareofhowmuchthathadchanged.
Rosiebroughtthemugtoherlips,andthenshockedmebyasking,“IsthatwhyyourEnglishissoinsanelygood?”
Thankfulfortheslightveerinthedirectionoftheconversation,Ichuckled.“Yeah.OverthelastfiveyearsI’vespentmoretimearoundinternationalpeople,awayfromhome,thaninSpain.So,atsomepointIguessIhadnooptionbutto…learn.Ipickeduplotsofcommonexpressions.”
SomethingseemedtoflickerinRosie’seyes,spreadingoutacrossherface.“I’llstay,”shesaid.“UntilIfindouthowlongbeforeIcangobacktomyplace.Ishouldhearfrommylandlordthisweek.”
Inodded,ignoringthedeepsenseofreliefinvadingme.“Aslongasyouneed.”
“Oh.AndI’lltakecareofallthegrocerieswhileI’mhere.”Shepointedatmewithherfinger.“Evenafteryourcreditcardarrives.It’stheleastIcando.”
Iopenedmymouthtocomplainbutshestoppedme,wavingherindexinfrontofmyface.“Notnegotiable.”
“Allright.”Iacceptedwithasigh.“ButonlyifIcookforbothofus.”
“Okay.”Sheletthatthreateningfingerfall.“ButI’lldothedishes.”
“Deal.”
“Oh.”Shestraightenedonherstool.“Andyoutakethebed.I’llsleeponthecouch.”
Notachanceinhell,butitwasadorablethatshebelievedI’deveraccept.“Rosie—”
Myringtoneblaredthroughtheapartment,interruptingus.
“Mightbeimportant,”shesaid.“Youshouldtakeit.”
Withanod,Isprintedtothephone.Mysister’snameflashedonthescreen,notifyingmeofanincomingvideocall.
Iheldmyphoneinfrontofme.“Hermanita.”
“Lucas!”shescreeched,herflamingredhairbouncingwithherenthusiasm“?Cómoestámipersonafavoritaentodoelmundomundial?”
Herfavoritepersonintheworld?Mysisterneversaidstufflikethatunless…
“Whatdidyoudo,Charo?”IaskedherinSpanish.
Shegasped,pretendingtobeoutraged.“Excuseyou.I’masaint,youknowthat.”
Isnorted.Andbecauseshereallywasn’tone,Iasked,“IsTacookay?”
Mysisterrolledhereyesjustasabarksoundedinthebackground.“Youareanoverbearingpupdad.Doyouknowthat?Tacoisperfectlyfineundermycare.”
Therewasmovementonherside,theimageblurringforacoupleseconds.Then,afamiliarsnoutappearedonthescreen.
“?Hola,chico!”Itoldmybestbud,barelykeepingtheemotionoffmyvoice.“?Estássiendounbuenchico?”
Tacotiltedhisheadatthesoundofmyvoice,thenawhimpercamefromthephone.
“Imissyou,too,buddy.”Thatearnedmeanexcitedwoof.“IsCharotakinggoodcareofyou?”
Tacoturnedandlickedmysister’sface,thenfacedthecameraanddidthesamewithherphone.
“?Taco,no!”Charo’svoicewasmuffledbymydog’stongue,presumablyonthemicrophone.Afteracouplesecondsofwrestling,bothofthemwerebackintheframe.“Yourdogwilllickoreatjustaboutanything,isthatnormal?”
Ichuckled.“Yeah.Likedaddy,likeson.Right,Taco?”Hebarkedinconfirmation.“Afewmonthsago,hesneakedintoMamá’spantryandslaughteredthejamón.Thegoodone.Shewasfurious.”Andtherefore,wouldn’tdogsithimwhileIwasawayforthreemonths.“Buthe’sagoodboy,aren’tyou,Taco?You’rejustalittlehungryallthetime.”
CharoshookherheadwhileTacosatproudlyatherside.
“Hey,buddy,Iwantyoutomeetsomeone.”Iturnedaround,lookingforRosie.IfoundherrightwhereIhadlefther,sittingonastool,onlynowhereyeswerewide.
Shepointedatherself.“Me?”
“Yeah,you.”Iwalkeduptoher,placedmyselfbehind,andstretchedmyarminfrontofus.“WhoelsewouldIbetalkingabout?”
Loweringmyself,IscootedclosertoRosie’sbacktomakesureCharoandTacocouldseeusboth.Withthechangeofposition,Ibrushedthebackofhershoulderwithmychest,anditwashardtomisshowshestiffened.
“Taco,”Isaid,wonderingifIhadcrossedsomelineinvadingherpersonalspace.“ThisisRosie,mynewfriend.And,Rosie.”Iglancedatherprofile,takinginherflushedcheeksandneck,noticingthefrecklesunderthepinkcoveringherskin.“Thisismybestandclosestfriend,Taco.Andmysister,Charo.”
Rosie’slipspartedwithabreathjustassheturnedherheadtolookatme,andthemomentourgazesmetIrealizedthatthishadnothingtodowithRosiebeinguncomfortablewithmestandingsoclose.Shewasaffected,justlikeshe’dbeenearliertoday.Whenshewascheckingmeout.
Icouldn’tstopmylipsfromtwitching.
Sheshookherheadlightlyandreturnedherattentiontomyphone,thequickmotionleavingmewithatasteofasweetandfruityscent.Like—
Ahappywoofsnaggedbackmyattention.
“Hi,Taco,”Rosiefinallysaid.Icouldseehersmileinthelittlesquareonthescreen.“It’ssogoodtofinallymeetyou.”
Finally,huh?
Rosiecontinued,“And,Charo,howareyou?It’sgoodtoseeyou.IhadnoideaLucasandyouweresiblings.Nobodysaidanything.Notthatitmatters,ofcourse.Justsurprisedbecauseyoutwoareso…”
“Different,”Charooffered.“Iknow,cari?o.It’sthehair,isn’tit?Youknow,everyonethoughtLucaswasgoingtobearedhead,too.Itwaseitherthat,orearlybalding.Boththingsruninthefamily,yousee?Everyonejustassumedhewascuttinghishairsoshorttohidearecedinghairline.Andyouknowwhat?Noonewouldhaveblamedhim.”
Isighed.“Charo,youknowitwasfor—”
“Competition,yes,”shefinishedforme.AndIfeltthepangofpainthataccompaniedthereminder.“Becauseit’seasierandmorecomfortablewiththesaltwaterandthesunlightandallthatjazz.Butnowthatyou’reonvacation,”sheadded,anditwashardtokeepmyfaceneutral.NottogiveheranyindicationthatevenifmystayintheUSwasn’tpermanent,myvacationwas.“Nowyouprovedthemallwrong,didn’tyou,ricitosdeoro?”
Ihuffed.
Rosieasked,“Ricitosdeoro?”Andwhileherpronunciationwasnowhereclosetobeingright,itsoundedso…sweetthattheheavinessinmygutrecededforasecondthere.
“Goldilocks,”Itranslatedforher.ShesnortedandInudgedhersoftlywithmyshoulder.“I’mnotevenblond.Andmyhairisnotthatlongorcurly,either.So—”
“Whateveryousay,ricitos,”Charosaidbeforeturningallherfocustomynewandtemporaryroommate.“Anyway,Rosie.Ihaven’theardaboutyousinceLina’swedding.Howareyou,cari?o?”ShepausedbutbeforeRosiecouldevenopenhermouth,mysisterwasshootingmorequestions.“IsLinaaround,bytheway?Wasn’tshesupposedtobeleavingforherhoneymoon?Didsheintroduceyouguysbeforethat?”
UnaffectedbyCharo’santicsafteralifeofdealingwiththem,Irolledmyeyes.“Whatwasitthatyouwanted?”
Sheignoredme,hereyesnarrowingforonlyamoment.“I’mjustsayingbecausethisisanoddtimetobehangingout.Isn’tit,like,superearlyinNewYorknow?Whattimeisitthere?”
Rosieseemedtobeholdingherbreathforsomereason.
AndIwasnotabouttoentertainwhatevermybigsisterthoughtshewasdoing.“Breakfasttime.AndyouknowhowseriouslyItakethemostimportantmealoftheday.Soifyoudon’tmind…”
Charoclappedherhandagainstherchest.“Howfun!Abreakfastparty!”
Overlookingtheironylacingherwords,IlookedoveratRosie.“IwasthinkingFrenchtoast.Whatdoyouthink,Rosie?”
Herheadjerkedinmydirection,thetipsofournosesalmostbangingtogether.
“Ohdammit,”shebreathed.“Sorry.”
Iheldmyground,unbothered.“Whyareyousorry?”Iasked,gettingamoreintensewhiffof…peachesnowthatIwassoclose.Shesmelledlikepeaches.“Unlessyoudon’tlikeFrenchtoast.Wecouldalsomakechurros.Iputaspinontheoriginalrecipethatwillhaveyoulickingyourfingers.”
Hergreeneyestwinkledwithinterest.
“Churrositis,then.”Iwinked.
Rosiemumbledsomethingunderherbreath.
SomethingIcouldhaveheardifnotformysister’ssqueal.“Ay!Ay,Lucas.?SabeLinaqueestás—”
“Charo,”Iinterruptedher.TherewasnoreasontobotherLinabecausetherewasnothingtotellLina,regardlessofwhatCharowasimplying.Thiswasjustus,sharingherapartmentforafewdays.Andus,havingbreakfast.“Ifthere’snothingelse—”
Shegaspedtheatrically.“Areyougettingridofmealready?We’vebarelychatted!”
Inarrowedmyeyes.
“Speakingofchatting…”Mysistershiftedherattentiontothewomanbesideme.“RosieandIhavealottocatchupon,I’msure.Wehaven’ttalkedsincethewedding.Andwehadsuchafuntalkthatday.”RosieletoutastrangesoundthatCharodecidedtoignore.“Remember?AbouthowsurprisedIwasthatyouattendedalone.Andyoutoldmethatyouhadbeensingleforawhileand—”
“OhmyGod,Lucas,”Rosieinterrupted,puttingahandtoherear.“Didyouhearthat?Ithinkit’sthefirealarmofthebuilding.”
Ittookmeasecondtounderstandwhatshewasdoing.
Ibroughtahandtomyear,too.“Holyshit,IthinkRosie’sright.Holdon.”Ipaused.“Isthatafiretruckrightoutside?”
Charo’seyesturnedtothinslits,hergazeflashingwithwell-foundedsuspicion.
“Ithinkyou’reright,Lucas.Thatmeansweshouldreallygo,”Rosieaddedquickly.“Oneisnevertoofasttoevacuate.Beforethefirespreads.”
“Holdon,”Charocomplained.“Ican’thear—”
“Sorry,Charo,”Rosiecutheroffagain.“We’llcatchupanotherday,maybe?”
“Thatisifwesurvive,”Iadded.
Rosieglancedatme.Idippedmyhead,holdinghergaze,fullyawarethatthegrinIhadbeenfightingduringourcharadewasnowpartingandbendingmylipsupward.
Rosie’ssmilewasthere,too.Amuchsmallerone.AndIwonderedifshedidthisoftenenough.Smile.
Charoscoffed,bringingmyattentionbacktothephone.Imanagednottogiveheranintospeak.“Adiós,hermana!And,Taco,Iwillmissyou,chico.Beagoodboy,okay?”
Tothathewhined,breakingmyheartintwo.
“Bye,guys!”Rosiesaidquickly.“Itwasgreatmeetingyou,Taco.Andtalkingtoyou,too,Charo.”
Then,Ifinallyterminatedthecallandloweredmyphoneuntilitrestedonthekitchenisland
“Thefirealarm,”Isaid,releasingaslowbreathandnotcaringtomoverightaway.“Aclassic,”IaddedwhileIsimplystoodthere,withmyheadroughlyatthesameheightasRosie’s,andmybodyonlyafewshortinchesbehindhers.
Rosie’schucklewassweetandsoft,herposturenotasstiffaswhenI’dfirstcomesoclose.“I’msosorryIliedtoher.Ifeelsobad.”
“I’mgladyoudid,”Iadmitted.Iwasalsosurprisedshehad.Gladly.“Ilovemysister,butIneededsomesaving—andyouwerequickerthanme.”
“Ineededasmuchsavingasyoudid,Lucas.”
Iwasgoingtoaskwhyandifithadtodowithmysister’scommentaboutherattendingtheweddingonherown,butbeforeIdid,Rosie’sbackrelaxed,comingintocontactwithmychest.
Thesuddenwarmthofherbodyagainstminetookmebysurprise,andthechangeinmybreathingwasenoughtofillmylungswithherscent.Peaches
Rosie’sbreathhitchedatthecontact,andthemotionsomehowbroughtusevencloser.Oninstinct,myarmswentaroundhersides,myhandsgrippingtheedgeoftheisland.Peachessurroundedme,thesoftheatcomingoffherbodyasmyarmscagedher,remindingmeofhowlongithadbeensinceI’dletanyonethisclose.Orcloseatall.Remindingmeofhownaturalphysicalcontactandtouchhadalwayscometome.AndhowIhadisolatedmyselfafterwhathappened.
Awarningflashedbehindmyeyes.Stepaway,off-limits.You’reinnoplaceorshapeforanyofthis.
SojustasquicklyasI’dmovedforward,Ipushedback.
Rosiewassafewithme.Ihadn’tmadethatstatementlightly.Imightbelabeledabrutebymycousinformylackof…refinementormanners,butIwasn’tacaveman.IhadeveryintentionofrespectingRosie.Especiallynowthatweweregoingtosharethisapartment.Evenifonlytemporarily.
“Allright.”Iturnedaroundwithaclap.Iopenedafewcabinets,lookingfortheflour.“Ipromisedyouchurros.So,you’regettingchurrosforbreakfast,roomie.”CHAPTERSEVENRosie
Wewereroommates.
Temporaryroommates,asI’dbeensuretomakeveryclear.
BecauseIwouldn’ttakeadvantageofLucas’skindness.
ItwasonethingtostayinLina’semptyplacewhileshewasonherhoneymoon,likeI’dintendedwhenI’dshownuptwonightsago.ButitwasLucaswhohadbeenpromisedtheapartment.I’donlyacceptedhishelpbecauseI…Iwasalittledesperate.
AndIdidn’tmindthecompany.
Andfine,okay.Iwastemptedbytheideaofspendingmoretimewithhim,too;temptationencouragedbymy—totallyundercontrol—crush.Butmostofall,Iwasrunningoutoftime.IhadeightmoreweeksuntilmydeadlineandIcouldn’taffordwastingthemsearchingforanalternative,affordableaccommodationifIwasbeinghonest.Realistic.IneededeveryminuteandpennyIhad,becauseworsecometoworst,ifIdidn’thitmydeadlineandcashinpartofmyadvance,mysavingsaccountwouldsuffer.
SoI’dstaywithLucas.Forafewdays.Untiltherepairsatmyapartmentweredone.WhichIwashopefulwouldbesoon.
Returningmygazetomylaptopasitsatinfrontofme,Iremindedmyselfthatmyfocusshouldbeonmymanuscript,andnotoneverythingelsegoingsidewaysinmylife.Particularly,notonLucas.
Icheckedmywordcountfortheday.
Onehundredoutofmydailygoaloftwothousandwords.
Asadhundredwordsinthreelonghours.Halfofwhichwerenotesforme.Settingthenonexistentscene.
Ireturnedmygazetothemostlyblankpageinfrontofme.MyfingershoveredoverthekeysandI…Iclosedmyeyes,triedtosummonsomething,anything,andnothingsolidified.Fearsprouted.Spread.Settledrightinthemiddleofmychest.Likeastone,heavyandsolid.Andjustlikeitalwayshappened,thatfamiliarurgetoscreamrose.
Andoncemore,Isuppressedit.
BecauseIwasRosie.Keepingittogetherwasmything.Iplanned,rationalized,tookadeepbreath,andadjustedwithoutlosingmyshit.Iwasthereliablefriendanddaughter.
WhenI’dwrittenmyfirst—andonlyother—book,everythinghadjust…cometome.Ithadbeenlikeopeningavalveandreleasingsomethingthathadbeenlockedinside,waitingtobeletout.Theyearningtobeloved,fiercely.Thewonderofbecomingsomeoneelse’sworld.Thejoyoffindingthatperson—thatoneperson—that…fits.Someonewhoisn’tnecessarilyperfect,becausenobodyreallyis,butsomeonewhoisperfectforyou
Thetime-travelingspinhadbeenjustforfun,becauseI’dalwayshadasoftspotforalost,fish-out-of-waterhero.SoIcreatedamanfromthepast,anofficerstuckinthepresentday,battlinghisdemonsandtryingtocometotermswithalovehethinkshedoesn’tdeserve.Becausehemighthavebeenlost,butthatnevermeanthecouldn’tbefoundbysomeone.Hisperson.Evenwhenalloddsareagainsthimandevenafterbeingflungforwardintimeacenturyortwo.
Sowhycouldn’tI—
Aloudscreechcaughtmyattention.
Lucas?
Itcouldn’tbe.He’dlefttoexplorethecityafewhoursagoandwasn’tsupposedtoreturnuntillateafternoon.
Iwalkedtothedoorandlookedthroughthepeephole.
Anoldwomandressedinreddungareesstoodinfrontofherdooracrossthehall,herhandsonherhips.Aloveseatseemedonlyhalfwayinsideherapartment.
Isteppedintothehallwayandventureda“Hithere!Doyouneedhelpwiththat?”
Noreactionoracknowledgment.Thewomanwasbusypullingatoneofthearmsofthemustard-coloredleatherloveseat,whichwaslodgedintothedoorframe
“Hello?”Isaidalittlelouder,takingastepforward.“CanIhelpyoumovingthat?”
Stilloblivioustomypresence,thewoman—whomusthavebeensomewhereinherseventiesfromthemaneofgrayhairandcrookedposture—shovedthepieceoffurnitureforcefully.Andwhenitdidn’tmove,shetookacoupleofstaggeringstepsback.
Closingthedistancebetweenusquickly,Igrippedoneofthearmsoftheloveseat.
Hergazefinallyzeroedinonme,herbrowsshootingupherwrinkledforehead.Shescreeched,“Oh,fortheloveofallthatisholy!”Ahandpattedherchest.“Youscaredthebejesusoutofme,girl!”
Igavehermyfriendliestsmile.“I’msosorry,Itriedtogetyourattentionacoupleoftimes,butyoumusthavesomehowmissedme.”
Hereyesnarrowed.
Mysmilefell.“I’mRosie.”Iwaitedforhertointroduceherself,butshedidn’t.“Itlookslikeyou’restrugglingwiththis,andIwouldn’twantyoutohurtyourself.”
Thewoman’seyesswipedupanddownmybodyveryslowly.“Idon’tknow.”
“Youdon’tknowifIcanhelpyou?”Ifrowned.Hergazesettledonmyarms.“I’mstrongerthanIlook?”
Forwhateverreason,Iformulatedthatasaquestion.
Thewomantiltedherhead.“Maybe.”Stillunconvinced,shecontinuedherperusal.“Youdon’tlivehere.”
“You’reright.”Ipointedbehindmewithmythumb.“ButI’mfriendswithCatalina,yourneighbor.I’mstayingatherplaceforacoupleofdays.”
“Idon’tknowanyCatalina.”
Myexpressionfell.“CatalinaMartín.Short?Brunette?Aroundmyage?Youdon’tknowher?”Theladyblinked.“She…She…”Whycouldn’tIthinkofanythingthatwoulddescribemybestfriend?“OhGod,IswearIknowher—”
Shewavedahandintheair,stoppingme.“Iwastestingyou.”Alowchucklelefther.“Alwayssayshi,nopartying,nostinkyanimals,andaverytallboyfriend.Ilikeher.AndIlikehim,too.”
“That’stheone,yes.”
“Didshehaveanythingtodowiththehasslegoingoninthehallwaytwonightsago?”
Iflinched.“Oh,thatwasactuallymeandmy…”Itrailedoff,notknowinghowtofinishthat.Myroommate?Mybestfriend’scousinImistookforaburglar?“Lucas.NotmyLucas,butjustLucas.I’msorryforthetrouble.”Ipaused,growinguncomfortable.Ilookedattheloveseatonceagain.“So…Doyouthinkwecanmovethis?Together?”
Lina’sneighborgavemeonemoreonce-over.“Fine,Iguessyou’lldo.I’mAdele,bytheway.”
“Thanks,Adele,”Isaid,grippingthesideoftheseatwithbothhands.Rollingmyshouldersback,IreadiedmyselftogiveAdelesomeinstructions.“Ithinkweshouldpushitbackinside,sowecanmaneuverit.So,atthecountofthreewearegoingtodothat,okay?”
Shenodded,murmuringsomethingthatsoundedalotlikesmart-ass
“Okay.”Isighed,decidingtoignorethat.“Three…Two…One…Push!”
And…thethingdidn’tbudgeaninch.
MostlybecauseAdelehadpulled.
“It’sallright,”Isaid,keepingmyfrustrationoffmyvoice.“Wecangiveitanothertry.Makesuretopush,yeah?Pushitbackinside.”
Adeleshotmeadirtylook.“Don’tusethattonewithme,missy.IknowwhatI’mdoing.”
OhdearGod.Ireallydidn’thavetimeforthis.
Igaveherabig,toothysmile.“Justtryingtohelp,Adele.”
“Tryingwiththosespaghettiarms,”shemutteredunderherbreath.
Iwinced,lookingdownatmyarms.
Somethingoccurredtome.“Adele,arewemovingthisinor—”
“Let’sgiveitanothertry.”Sheignoredme.“Now.”
BattlingwhetherIshouldquestionherfurther,Ibracedbothhandsontheedge.
Ilookedoverather,waitingforinstructions,butAdele’sexpressionhadchanged.Thebloodhaddrainedfromherface,herskinpalingandhereyesgoingglassy.
Iplacedmyhandonhershoulder.“Adele?Areyouokay?Doyouneedtositdown?”
Thewomanstaredintospaceforwhatseemedlikeafullminute,notrespondingtoanyofmyattemptsatmovingherormakingherreturntoherself.
Alarmpoundedthroughme.
Icouldn’tgetherbackintoherapartmentbecausetheentrancewasblockedbytheloveseat.Callingforhelpfeltlikeawastewhenshewasn’thurt.Shewasjust…nothere.Asifhermindhadlefther.
Smallbeadsofsweatformedinthebackofmyneck.
Icalledhernameonelasttimewithnoresponse.
RightasIwaspullingmyphoneouttodialforhelp,though,Adele’seyeszeroedbackinonme,confusionknittingherbrows.Hereyesjumpedtothestuckloveseat.Thendown,rightwheremyhandgrippedhershoulder.Whatcouldn’tbeanythingbutalarmflickeredinherexpression.
“Adele?”Itriedagain,takingmyhandbackslowly.“Areyouokay?”
ButtheladyinfrontofmehadnothingtodowiththesnappyAdelefromafewminutesago.Thiswomanwasdisoriented,lookingaslostassomeonewhohadjustwokenupfromadream.
Crap.NowIwasfeelingprettypanickymyself.“I—”
“Rosie?”Adeepandmusicalvoicefilledthehallway.
Lucas
Hewashere.
Thereliefathearinghisvoicewassosuddenandunexpectedthatitalmostfeltliketoomuch.LikeIhadtoclosemyeyesandtakeabreath.
Iheardhisstepsapproachingus.“What’sgoingonhere?”Apause.“What’sthatsofadoingthere?”
Iturnedinhisdirection,findinghimstandingonlyafewfeetawayfromus.“We’retryingtomoveitout.”Ourgazesmet,andthatbrightgrinheseemedtobrandishsoeasilyfellthemomenthetookagoodlookatme.“Orin.I…don’treallyknow,ifI’mbeinghonest.”
Lucasfrowned,processingmywords,hiseyesscanningmyface.
“Mateo?”Adelesaid,disbeliefandjoyloudinthatonesingleword.
Iblinked,mygazejumpingbetweenthewoman,whohadherhandsclaspedunderherchin,andLucas,whoseexpressionremainedascalmasamillpond.
Mateo?
“Adele,thisisLucas,”ItoldherassweetlyasImanaged.“TheLucasIwastellingyouaboutearlier?MyLucas,remem—”Istoppedmyself,palingthemomentIrealizedwhathadcomeoutofmymouth.Imadesuretolookonlyatthewoman.“He’sCatalina’scousin.”
Adeleglancedatmewithasmallfrown.“Butthiscan’tbeyourLucas.He’smyMateo.”
Ismiledtightly,notknowinghowtheheckwehadgottenhereorhowtoveertheconversationfar,faraway.
Afterwhatseemedaneternity,Lucassaid,“HowaboutIgetthatthingoutoftheway,andgetyoubackinside,Adele?I’mallaboutfeminism,butI’mwillingtotakethisonefortheteam.”
Ifinallydaredtoglanceathim,justintimetomeethisgazebrieflybeforehestartedinourdirection.
HesetapalmonAdele’sbackandusheredheroutoftheway,thenhereturnedtomyside.Slowly,heleaneddownandsaidonlysoIcouldhear,“YourLucastotherescue.”
YourLucas.
Astrangesoundleftmymouth.
Thankfully,Lucasgottoworkandafewminuteslater,theloveseatwasunstuckandbackinsideAdele’sapartmentandmytemporaryroommatewasguidingthefrailwomanbackinside.
“Areyouhungry?”Adeleaskedastheysteppedinsidetheapartment,leavingmebehind.“IthinkIhavelasagnaleftovers,andyoulookalittleskinny.”
“YouthinkI’mskinny?”Lucasrepliedsocasuallyandnaturallyitseemedthey’dknowneachotherforalongtime.“I’dsayI’minprettygoodshape.”Heliftedhisfreearmandflexedhisbiceps.“Haveyounotseenhowbigtheseare?”
Adelegiggledandsmackedhisarmdown.“Oh,yourascal.”
AndIstoodthere,soenrapturedbytheoddandbittersweetscene—andenthralledbythewayLucasradiatedthissoothingandcommandingkindofenergy—thatitcaughtmeoffguardwhenhelookedbackoverhisshoulderandmetmyeyes.
Youcoming?hemouthed.
AndI’dneverknowwhathesawinmyexpressionasourgazesremainedlockedforthenextseconds,butwhenIdidn’tmove,hesaidmoregravely,inthisfirmyetsweettone,“Come,Rosie.”AndmytwofeetpushedforwardandIfollowedthemin.
Afterpreparingsometeaandchattingforawhile,Adeleassuredusherdaughterwascomingoverlaterintheevening.Andwhensheeventuallydriftedoff,wereturnedtoLina’splace.Toourplace.Fornow.Apartofmeseemedtonote.
Justasthefrontdoorclosedbehindus,weletourbacksfallagainstthewoodensurface.
“Thatwas…intense,”Iwhispered.“Andalittleheartbreaking.”
“Yeah,”headmitted,hisvoicelackinghisusualliveliness.Iglancedathimovermyshoulder,findinghimwithhiseyesclosed.Hecontinued,“Butthat’slifeforyou.Intenseandheartbreaking.”
TheshadowIhadseencrosshisfaceafewtimesreturned.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,thewordswereleavingmymouth,“Wasyourheartbroken,Lucas?Isthatwhyyou’rehere,awayfromSpain?”
Lucas’seyesopenedandfellheavilyonme.
“Yesandno,”headmittedinalowvoice.“Onlynoonebrokemyheart,Rosie.Idon’tthinkanyoneevergotthechanceto.”
Gazeslocked,Iponderedwhathisanswermeant.Hadheneverbeeninlove,then?Washeorwashenotescapingabrokenheart?Andifhewas,andnoonewasresponsibleforit,thenwhathadcausedit?
Lucasbrokethesilence.“AbuelohadAlzheimer’s.Heusedtoconfusemewithhislittlebrother.AtsomepointIstoppedcorrectinghimandpretendedtherewasnothingwrongwithhisassumption.SoevenifIdidn’tknowifAdelecouldhavebeenexperiencingthesame,I…”
“Didthatwithher,too,”Ifinishedforhim.“I’msorry,Lucas.Goingthroughsomethinglikethatcan’thavebeeneasy.”AndIwasn’tsureifitwasbecauseofthisorhisearlieradmission,buthiswordsleftaspotsotender,soexposedinmychestthatIfoundmyselfreachingoutandsettingmyhandonhisarm.“IthinkyoumadeAdelehappytoday.Evenifjustforalittlewhile.”
Lucaslookeddownatwheremyfingersrestedagainsthisforearm,andIfocusedonhowwarmhefeltbeneaththesleeveofhissweater.Heseemedtoconsidersomething,andthen,withoutanykindofwarning,hemovedandwrappedhisarmsaroundme,pullingmeintoahug.
“Ireallyfuckinghopethisisokay,”hemurmuredsomewhereclosetomytemple,warmthsurroundingmeasanoddsenseofcomfortmixedwiththeshock.“Isit,Graham?”
“I…huh,yes?”Imumbled.Thenclosedmyeyes.“Yes.It’smorethanokay.”
“Good.”Andonehardandfastsqueezelater,Iwasreleasedandleftthere,watchingLucasturnandstalkinthedirectionofthekitchenasifnothinghadhappened.
Heopenedadrawerandpulledapanout.“I’mthinkingfrittata,roomie.Then,IhaveacoupleofideasforawhitechocolatecheesecakeI’vebeendyingtotry.”
Withheadandchestscramblingforcomposureafterhishugattack,ittookmeacoupleofsecondstomakemyvocalcordswork.“Soundsokay.”
“RosalynGraham,”Lucassaid,throwingthefridgeopen.“Yourlackofenthusiasmisappalling.”Hepulledoutacardboardofeggsandafewveggiesbeforeturningandpinningmewithahardlook.“You’redoubtingmyfrittata,andwhat’sworse,mywhitechocolatecheesecake.”Hepointedawhiskinmydirection.“AndIacceptthechallenge.Youjustwaitandsee.You’llloveeverything.”
Oh,Ididn’tneedtowaitandseeasinglething.
IwasstartingtounderstandthatwhereLucasMartínwasconcerned,chanceswere,I’dneverfindanythingIdidn’tlike.
Andwhatwasmuch,muchworse,nothingIwouldn’tlove.
Wehadbeenabouttostartthethirdconsecutiveepisodeofourshow—asLucashadcalledit—whenNetflixdecidedtoshutdownourimprovisedbingeparty.
AREYOUSTILLWATCHING?Mytemporaryroommatescoffed,readingthemessageonthescreeninfrontofus.“Ofcoursewe’restillwatching.Theyjustkilledoneofthemaincharactersandwithoutthatgoddamnmagicalcuretheyjustlostbecauseofsomestupidmindgame,she’snotcomingbacktolifeanytimesoon!”
Ichuckled,amusedbyhisfrustration.“Iwarnedyou,”Isaidfrommysideofthecouch,stillfindingithardtobelievethathewasthisinvestedintheparanormalteendrama.“Itoldyounottogetattachedtoanyofthecharacters…”Itrailedoff,needingtomuffleayawn.“Especiallynother.”
Iglancedoverathimandfoundhiseyesonme.“Youtired?”
Iwantedtosayno,butunabletostopitthistime,mymouthopenedwidelyofitsownaccord.
Lucaslaughed.“Okay,BellaDurmiente.”
BellaDurmiente.
Thewordssoundedlikeaspellconjuredjustformyears,alluringanddistracting,andIknewIprobablyfeltthatwayaboutthemonlybecausetheyhadcomefromLucas.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“SleepingBeauty,”hetranslated,andbeforeIcouldevenprocessthat,Lucaswasstretchinginmydirection.
Onesecond,he’dbeenrightthere,inhiscorner,sittingatasafe,conservativedistanceofthreefeet,andthenext,hehadclosedthedistanceandhischestwaspressedagainstmyside.
ThefirstthingInoticedwashowwarmhefelt.Thenextthingthathitmewashisscent.Salty,soapy,fresh.UndeniablyLucasinawayIcouldn’texplainorunderstandhowI’dmissedearlier,whenhe’dsqueezedmeagainsthimlikehehadn’tbeenabletohelphimself.Butnow,itwasallIcouldthinkof.AllIcouldsmell.
“Ehm,Lucas?”Istuttered,tryingtoholdmybreathsoIwouldn’tdigmygravealittledeeper,becausedammit,howcouldhesmellso,sofreakinggood.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hestretchedoverme,asifhewaslookingforsomethingsomewhereontheotherside.
“Lucas?”Irepeated,myvoicebarelythere.
Heshiftedsohecouldlookmeintheface,bringingournosesinchesapart.“Didyouhideit?”
“Hidewhat?”IthoughtIasked,butinallhonesty,Icouldn’tthinkstraightwithLucas’sfacesoclosetomine.OhGod,werethoselittle,tinyfrecklesonhisnose?
IsensedhishandmovingaroundthepillowIwassittingon.“Theremote.You’reabouttopassout,soI’mputtingyoutobed,BellaDurmiente.”
Histonewasteasing,friendly.AndIcouldseehowunintentionalandharmlesshisactionswere.Heck,apparentlyhewasjustlookingfortheremoteandIhappenedtobeintheway.ButallIcouldthinkaboutwashim,rightthere,smellingamazingandsoclosethatifImovedaninchtomylefthischinwouldgrazemineandI’dfeelthestubblecoveringhisjaw.AllIcouldfocusonwashim,callingmethingsinSpanish.Orhimbeingsosweet,thathewantedtoputmetobed.
Ugh.Iprobablywasbetterofffindingtheremoteforhim,smackingmyselfwithit,andputtinganendtothis.
“Ah,here!”Iwatchedhimextracttheblackdevicefromthepillowtuckedagainstmyside,holdingitintheairasifhehadjustfoundtheHolyGrail.“Gotit.”
“ThankGod,”Icroaked.
Lucaslaughed,andbeforemovingaway,hetappedthetipofmynosewithhisfinger.“Nexttime,hideitbetter.”
“Trustme,Iwon’thideanythingaroundyoueveragain.”Regainingadecentamountofspacebetweenus,Itookadeepbreathandorderedmyselftogetagrip.Icouldn’tactlikethiseverytimeLucasgotwithinafootradiusifweweregoingtosharethisapartment
“Soundsgoodtome,roomie,”Lucassaid,standingupandstretchinghisarmsupward.“Youknow,Idon’tthinkthey’llfindthecureintime.Ithinkthey’ll…”Hisshirtrodeup,revealingastripoftanskinanddistractingmefromwhateverhewassaying.Andjustlikethat,thetwo-orthree-inchsectionofflatandhard-lookingstomachI’dseeninallitsglorythatmorningsentallmyplanstogetagripdownthedrain.
Cursingmyselfsilently,Iclosedmyeyes.
“Rosie?”
“Yeah?”Ianswered,eyesstillshut.
Hewaitedafewseconds.“Didyou…fallasleepwhileIwastalking?”
“Nope.”Ishookmyhead.“Justrestingmyeyesforasecond.It’slikeanightroutine.Ialwaysdoitforafewsecondseveryday.”Iwaitedone,two,threebeatsandthenaddedasIsprungoffthecouch,“Okay,done!”
Andbecausethiswasme,andIhadtofailatactingnormalaroundthisman,Imiscalculatedthedistancetothecoffeetableandbangedmykneeagainstit.
“PorDios,”Lucasmuttered,rushingtomyside.Heleaneddownasifhehadeveryintentiontocheckthebumponmyknee.“Letmesee—”
Isteppedbackbeforehishandevermadecontact.“I’mfine,”Ireassuredhim.“Itwasnothing.”
Lucasstraightened,comingtohisfullheight.Helookeddownatmeasifhewastryingtopiecesomethingtogether.Then,heleanedhisheadtoonesideslowly,andtomyuttersurprise,hechuckled.“Yeah,notBellaDurmiente.You’reatougherprincess.”
Andthatunexpectedobservation,forwhateverreason,mademyheartdoacartwheelinmychest.
PerhapsIwantedtobetough.Ormaybe,Isimplywantedtobecalledaprincessbysomeone.Ornotjustsomeone,butLucas.Andthat—ThatwassomethingIshouldn’thavebeenthinkingofinthatmoment.Oranymoment.So,Iansweredwiththecheeriest“Thanks!”ThenIgrabbedmysleepingclothesandsprintedtothebathroom.
WhenIreemerged,allthosedangerous,dangerousthoughtsparkedaside,IfoundLucasleaningagainstakitchencabinetashetypedsomethingonhisphone.
“Youcangoinnow,”Itoldhim.“I’llpulloutsomeblanketsandapillowforthecouch.IknowwhereLinakeepseverything.”
Lucaslookedupfromthedevice,zeroinginonmyface.Henodded,andhismouthopenedwithwordsthatneverlefthim.Hisgazedescended,asifcompelledbysomething,makingitswaydownmybodywhileIstoodthereinnothingbutasleepingtee,shorts,andallthegloryofmymessyhair.Onepass,thatwasallhedid.Onesingle,leisurelypassofhiseyesastheytraveledfrommyheadtomytoesandthenbackupagain
Hisgazemetmineagain,andhesaidinavoicethatsentatinyshiverdownmyarms,“Thankyou,Graham.”
Graham.Icouldn’trememberifhe’devercalledmejustbymylastname.Maybeearliertoday?Afterthehugattack.
Distractedbythatthought,Iwatchedhimashepulledsomeclothesfromhisbagandheadedtothebathroom.Whenthedoorclosedbehindhim,Ithoughtaboutthatquickpeekhe’dtaken.Atme.Atmylegs.ButIthrewasheetoverthecouchandtoldmyselfthatIwouldn’tdwellonit.Theywerenice,femalelegs.AndLucas…wasintothat.Women.Legs,apparently.Sowhat?
Ifheweretostrolloutofthatbathroomshowingoffhiscalves,I’ddothesame.Heck,I’ddoneitthismorning,whenhe’dbeenwearingnothingbuta—
“Youreallydidn’tneedtopreparethecouchforme,Rosie.”
Lucas’svoicecamefromsomewherebehindme.Iwasreadytotellhimhehadanotherthingcomingifhethoughthe’dbesleepingonthecouchagain,thatIwaspreparingitformyself,butthewordsdiedonthetipofmytonguewhenIturnedandencounteredthesightbeforeme.
Itwasn’tnakedcalves.
Itwasfar,farbetterthanthat.
ItwasLucas.Insweatpants—graysweatpants—andathincottontee.
Butthesweatpants
Theyhunglowonhiships,andthefabricclungtohislegs.Hisoh-so-not-nakedcalves.Andhistwostrong-lookingthighs.Andthosemuch,muchmoreinterestingpartsthathungrightinbetween.
AndI—Jesus,whatthehellwasIdoing?
TherewereaboutahundredrulesintheRoommateHandbookforCivilandNotCreepyCohabitationthatImighthavebrokenbylookingathiscrotch.Eventhroughthefabricofhissweats.Whichwasn’tleavingmuchtomy—
“Rosie?”
Feelingmycheeksflaminghot,Idraggedmygazebacktohisface.
Lucaswassmiling.Grinning,really.AsbigasI’deverseen.
“Sorry,”Ibreathedout,theblushIknewwascoveringmyfacespreadingthroughoutmywholebody.“Didyou…hum…Didyousaysomething?”
Hecrossedhisarmsoverhischestandthecottonofhisshirtstretched.Goddammit.“Isaidmanythings,ifI’mbeinghonest.”
“Oh,okay.”Iswallowed.“Anything…importantthatweshoulddiscuss?”
Hepointedbehindme.“Yeah,thatyou’renotsleepingthere.Butthat’snotopenfordiscussion.”
“Whynot?”Ifrowned.“Itwaspartofthedeal.”
Lucasdriftedinmydirection.Leisurely,asifhehadallthetimeintheworldtostrollacrossthesmallstudio.Hestoppedonlywhenhewasrightinfrontofme.
“Rosie,”hesaidinalow,warningvoicethatmademystomachflopforsomereason.“Takethebed.”Hesmiled,butitwasn’tlightheartedandfun.“Don’tmakemefightyouoverthis.BecauseIwill.”
How?Thatpartofmethathadmystomachflip-floppingwantedtoaskhim.Howwouldyoufightmeexactly?
Butinstead,Imurmured,“Fine.”Idecampedtothebedontheothersideofthestudio.IhuffedasIthrewthecoversbackandslippedin.“We’llseewhotakesittomorrownight.”
“We’llsee,”headdedrightbeforeturningthelightsoff.“Roomie.”
IheardLucasrufflewithhisblankets,andIforcedmyeyelidsshutsoIwouldn’tsearchforhisshapeinthedark.SoIwouldn’tmakeabigdealoutofthis.LucasMartín,sleepingafewfeetawayfromme.Inhisoutrageousgraysweatpants.
“Rosie?”hecalled,inwhatcouldn’thavebeenmorethanaminutelater.“Areyoustillawake?”
Myeyelidslifted.“Yeah.”
“Me,too.”
Ilaughedlightly.“It’sonlybeenabout…sixty-fivesecondssinceweturnedthelightsoff,soI’dbesurprisedifyouweresoundasleep.”
“Icouldbenarcolepticforallyouknow,smarty-pants.”
“Areyou?”
“Nah,”heanswered,andIhadnochoicebuttosmileattheceiling.“Hey,Rosie?”
Turningontomyside,Istaredinthedirectionofthecouch.Icouldbarelymakehiminthedark,butIstilllooked.“Yes,Lucas?”
“Howmanypagesawayfromyourdreamareyou?”
IthoughtaboutallthewordsIhadn’twrittentoday.AbouthowI’llneedtorecalculatemydailygoalagain.JustlikeIhadtodoeveryday
“Writerscountinwordsandnotpages.”
Iheardadeephmmm,beforehecountered,“Sohowmanywordsawayfromyourdream,then?”
Many.“Stillafew.”
Onlymeetingawordcountwasn’ttheproblem,wasn’tit?Itwasaboutsomuchmorethanjustthat.Itwasaboutwriting.Inspiration.Orthelackofboththings.
Neitherofussaidanythingforalongtimeandthen,whenIwasnolongersurewhetherhewasasleepornot,Iheardhimsay,“Buenasnoches,Rosie.”CHAPTEREIGHTLucas
NewYork.TheBigApple.TheCityThatNeverSleeps.
AnywhereIlooked,therewereeitherpeoplerushingthroughtheday,vehiclesdashingthroughthestreets,orbuildingsbustlingwithactivityand…
Noise.Somuchnoise.
ItwasdifferentfromeveryotherAmericancityI’dvisitedduringthefirsthalfofmytripandafarcryfromhome.
Home.Spain.
Butthathadbeenthewholepoint,hadn’tit?Achangeofscenery.
Ihadwillinglyexchangedwakinguptothewavescrashingagainsttheshoreforskyscrapersandhotdogvendors.IhadwillinglyleftbehindthefreedomoftakingthecoastalroadanddrivingwheneverandwhereverIpleasedandcommittedtoanitineraryofsorts.IhadtradedTacoandmypeopleforcrowdsoffacelessstrangers.
AndtheonlyreasonIhaddoneanyofthatwasbecausethatpeace,thatfreedom,thatsceneryIknewlikethebackofmyhand,andthepeoplewholovedme—ortheversionofLucasIhadbeen—werenolongercomforting.Theylovedsomeonewhonowfeltlikeastranger.
NewYorkCitywasmylastchancetoescape.Topostponetheinevitable.OfeveryonefindingouttherealreasonwhyI’dtakenthistrip.Ofthemwantingtofixit.Tofixme.BecausethatwashowtheMartínfamilyoperated.
JustlikeAbuelasaid:“Ay,Lucas,novasaarreglarnadatumbadoahícomounmonigote.”
Youwon’tfixasinglethinglyingtherelikeastickman.
Buttherewasnothingtofix.Isureashelldidn’tneedfixing,either.ThatwouldmeanthatthepossibilitytorestorewhatI’dlostexisted.Anditdidn’t.Icouldn’tgetonaboardanymore.Icouldn’tdotheonethingIknewhowtodo.Surf.TheonethingIlovedandwasluckyenoughtomakealivingdoing.TheonethingIhadthriveddoing.Thewater,thewaves,feelingtheroughnessofthewaxundermyfeet,thesandstickingtomyskin.Ithadbeenmylife.Theadrenaline,theconstanttraveling.Ihadjustreachedpeakperformance,andeveninmyearlythirties,I’dhadafewmoregoodyearsinme.ReleasingaroughbreathasIstoodontheManhattansideoftheBrooklynBridge,InoticedI’dbeenstaringintotheswirlingwateroftheEastRiverforwhathadtobeanunacceptablylongtime.
Icheckedthetimeonmyphone.Itwasearlyenoughtocrossonemorecitysightoffmylist:eitherwalkingaroundCityHallParkorcheckingouttheChargingBullonWallStreet.Bothattractionswerefree,whichwasarequirementsinceIwasstillwaitingformyreplacementcard.Rosiehadlentmemoremoney—moneyshe’dslippedinmyjacketwhenIhadn’tbeenlookingandwhichIplannedtoreturnwithinterest—butthatwasreservedforpublictransportation.
“Comounmonigote,”Imutteredtomyself,repeatingAbuela’swords.
Shemightberight.Iwasone.Purposeless.Justlikeaplasticcontainerintheriver.Floatingaroundwithnocourse.Justbeingdraggedaroundand…existing.
Iwastired.Exhausted,really.Andnowthesimplethoughtofgoingsightseeing,driftinginthecurrentofstrangersdidn’tseemlikesomethingIcoulddo.
Rosie’sfacepoppedupinmyhead.Unexpected.I’dpromisedherthatI’dbeoutofherhairduringthedaysoshecouldwork,andI’dhadeveryintentionofkeepingthatpromise.Todaywasanexception.Today,Iwasfeelingextrasore.SomuchsothatI’dbeshockedifIdidn’tendthedaywiththatgoddamnlimpthathadtakenmeweekstolose.
Today,Ifeltextralonely,too.
AndRosiewasgoodcompany.Sweet,smart,and…Lina’sbestfriend.
SomethingIshouldmakesuretoremember.NotbecauseIhadintentionsofbeinganythingelsethanroommateswithRosie,ofperhapsbecomingfriends,goodfriends,butbecause…Becausewhat,Lucas?
Withashakeofmyhead,Iopenedthemapsappinmyphone,checkedforthebestroutebacktoLina’splace,andstartedfortheclosestsubwaystation.Fortyminuteslater,andwiththestartofthatgoddamnlimpalreadyaffectingmypace,IfinallyspottedLina’sbuilding.
PullingmykeysoutasIstoodonthenarrowstepsbeforetheentrance,Icouldalmosttastethewaveofrelieffromsittingmyassdownwhenablurofdarkcurlsslammedintome.
“Holycrap!”Afemalevoicemuffledagainstmysweater.
Stillplasteredagainstmychest,themassofcurlsshifted,andawaveofsweetpeachesIimmediatelyrecognizedhitmerightinthenose.
Ibreathedoutalaugh.“I’vemissedyou,too,roomie.”
Rosie,whosefacewasstillinsertedsomewherebetweenmyrightpecandcollarbone,cursed.
Withoutthinkingaboutit,Ithrewmyarmsaroundhershouldersandshiftedusbothoffofthestepsandontothesidewalk.
“Oh,”sheletoutalittlebreathlessly.“Oh,okay,thanks.”
Ignoringhowsoftshefeltagainstme,Ireleasedher.“IfI’dknownyou’dbewelcomingmehomelikethis,Iwouldhavecomebackearlier.”
Herlaughwasself-conscious,andhercheeksadeepshadeofpink.“Oh,funny.Ididn’tseeyouthere,obviously.Otherwise,Iwouldn’thaveplowedintoyou.”
“Idon’tmindbeingplowedinto,Rosie,”Itoldherwithasmile,noticinghoweasilyherblushspreadtoherearsandneck.“Whereareyouheaded?Lookslikeyouareinarush.”
“Oh,right!”Rosie’seyeswidened,asifshewasjustrealizingthatshehadbeenracingdownthestairs.“Mylandlordcalled.We’remeetinginmyapartmentwiththecontractorinlessthananhour.Thecrack,remember?”
Inoddedmyhead.“Thelittleincidentthatwasn’tsolittle.Iremember.That’sgoodnews,though.Itmeansthingsaremovingforward?”
“Yep.”Sheavertedhereyes,lookingatmyfeet.“So,anyway.Sorryfortheplowing.Ishouldreallygonow.Mylandlordisalittle…moody.”
Ifrowned.“Moody?”
“Well,he’snotreallypleasanttobearound.”Shesmiled.Butitwastoothyandtight,andIcouldalreadytellitwasn’therrealone.“NothingIcan’thandle,though.”
“I’mdonefortheday,”Ifibbed.“CanIcome?”
“Youwanttocome?”Sherepeated,blinkingacoupleoftimes.
“I’mcuriousbynature.Haveyounotmetmysister,Charo?It’sgenetic.”
“Itwon’tbeanexcitingorfunmeeting,”shewarned,butIdidn’tmissthequickflashofreliefcrossingherface.“Lotsofstandingaroundwhilethecontractorevaluatesthedamages.”
Myrightkneethrobbed.“Perfect.Lotsofsnoopingaroundyourplace,”Icountered,takingafewstepsbackwardandkeepingthegrimaceoffmyface.“Youknow,asthenewlyestablishedtowngossipandall.”
Asanticipated,Rosie’slandlord—amanthathadintroducedhimselfasMr.Allen—wasn’tonlymoody.Hewasalsoaverifiedasshole.Onethatapparentlyownedtheentirebuilding,ashemadeapointofsharingimmediately.
Notamomenttoosoon,adark-hairedmanaroundmyagearrived,dressedindarkcargopantsandahoodiewithCastillo&Sonsprintedacrosshischest.
“SorryI’mlate,”hesaid,encounteringusinthehallway.“Mypreviousvisitranalittleover.IgothereassoonasIcould.”
“Alittle,”Mr.Allenscoffed,hiswordsdrippingsarcasm.“You’retenminuteslate.Ispecificallyaskedyoutomeetusat6:45.”
Assholeremark,whenMr.Allenhimselfhadjustgottenhere.
Thecontractorwasquicktoignorethat,though,andmovedstraightinRosie’sdirection.
“Hi,”hesaid.“I’mAidenCastillo.”
“RosalynGraham,”Rosieansweredwithasmallsmilebeforeunlockingandopeningthedoorforus.“Thankyouforcoming,Mr.Castillo.”
“Oh,noneedtothankme.”Aiden’sgazeremainedonRosie’sfaceashestoodbesideher,notwalkinginsideimmediately.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,IwasshiftingclosertoRosieandshovingmyhandinhisdirection.“LucasMartín.”Ipaused,makingsureImethisgaze.“Agoodfriend.”
Aidentookmyhandinhiswithoutmissingabeat,pinningmewithanunderstandingglancethatautomaticallymademefeellikeajerkforwhateverthehellIhadjusttriedtopulloff.
?Peroquéco?ohaces,Lucas?
Scoldingmyselfinternally,Ishookhishandandafewmomentslater,wewereinsideandAidenwasonthemove,pullingoutapadandpen.
Mr.Allen,whostartedpacingbehindus,releasedalongsigh.“We’remeetingthetenantupstairs,too,somakeitquick,yeah?”
Thecontractorignoredthat,too.
Rosie,ontheotherhand,worriedherlipassheglancedbackatarestlessMr.Allen.
“Hey,”Isaid,shiftingclosertoherandgettinginherfieldofvision.“Niceplaceyouhavehere,Rosie.”
Iwasn’tlying,itwasaniceapartment.AlsoinBrooklyn,butadifferentarea.RoomierthanLina’s,whichwasn’thard,butalsohomier.Rosie’splacescreamedcomfortandcalmness,everythingaboutit—fromtheplush-lookingchaiselonguetothesoftbutteryglowofthelampandthelittletrinketsandbooksshehadlyingaround—asifdesignedtoprovidesolace.Ahome.
Andit…suitedher.Itfitherperfectly.
Parkingthatthoughtaside,Ipointedmyheadtotheleft.“Especiallythatonepicturehangingoverthere.”
ItwasaframedpictureofherandLina—shockinglylargeinsize—wheretheyweredressedupasMinions.Theyevenhadtheirfacespaintedinyellowandhadtwotoiletpaperrollsgluedovertheireyes.Thecostumeswereridiculous,butthefactthatthiswastwoadultwomenproudlystaringintothecamerawas…captivating.Goofy.
“Andcute,”Isaidundermybreathbeforeturningtolookatherface.“DoyouthinkweshouldtakeitbacktoLina’s?Maybeyoumisshavingitaround.IwouldifIwereyou.”
“Hilarious.”Shepouted.“ItwasagiftfromLina,okay?”Ofcourse,itwas.“AndIthinkI’llsurvivewithoutit.”
Isnickered,feelingastrangesatisfactionatthelightnessinhertoneandthewayshe’dseemedtoforgetabouttheothertwomenintheroom.
“MissGraham,”Aidencalledfromtheothersectionofthelivingroom,breakingoffthemoment.RosieandIlookedoverathim,findinghimwithhisheadtiltedback,inspectingtheceiling.“Isthisallthedamage?Nomoresectionsoftheceilingcollapsed?”
Collapsed?
Hadn’tRosietalkedaboutacrack?Withallmyfocusonkeepinganeyeonher,I’dforgottentocheckthatmyself.Iglancedup,searchingtheceilingandI—
“Peroquécojones.”TheSpanishcurseslippedrightout
Mr.Allenscoffedatme,andRosieshuffledtoAiden’sside.“Yes,that’sall.”
“That’sall?”Iblurtedout,disbeliefcoatingmywords.“Rosie,thatcouldhaveknockedsomeonedown.Yousaiditwasacrack.”
“Yes,”Aidenconfirmed.“Thiscouldhavegottenuglyrealquickifsomeonehadbeenstandingrightbeneaththissectionoftheceilingwhenitwentdown.”
“Jesus,”ImutteredasIstaredatRosie’sprofile.
“Butnoonewas,”Rosiesaidsoftly.“Itjustfellatmyfeet.”
Astrangledsoundclimbedupmythroat.
“MissGraham,”AidensaidbeforeIcouldspeak.“Isthereanyotherdamageelsewhereintheapartment?Bedroom,bathroom,kitchen?”
Rosieshookherhead.“Justthis.Oratleast,thisisallIcouldsee.”
Thecontractorslippedthenotepadhehadbeenscribblingonunderanarm.“Allright.Ifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketohavealookinallrooms.Wouldthatbeokay?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”Rosieletoutasigh.“Please,takeyourtime.Andsorryforthemess.Ileftinarushwheneverything…wentdown.Nopunintended.”
Withanod,Aidenturnedaroundandlefttheroom.
Rosie’slipsfell,pressinginatightline.
Gettingaholdofmyshockand,quitefrankly,frustrationatherdownplayingtheriskwhenshecouldhavebeenhurt,Iregainedthedistanceshe’dputbetweenusandnudgedhershoulderwithmine.“Hey.”
Sheglancedatme,herexpressionneutral,seeminglypassive,buthereyestellingawholeotherstory.
“I’msorryIjustgotalittlemad,”Itoldher.
Sheshruggedashoulder.“Youshouldn’tapologize.”Herlipsturneddown.“Orgetmadovernothing.”
Iignoredthat,theneedtomakehersmilesproutingdeepinmygut.“Ican’tbelieveImisseditwhenIcamein,”Istarted,andshelookedoveratme.“WhoknewthatIhadathingforwomeninyellowpaint,”IaddedascasuallyasIcould.“Andbywomen,Ireallydon’tmeanmycousin.”
Sheblinked,thenletoutahalflaugh,halfsnort.“Feelingfunnytoday,huh?”
“IthoughtIwasalwaysfunny.”Iwinked,andthatseemedtodistractherenoughforhertogivemeanotheroneofthosehalf-assedlaughs.“Nowseriously,areyouokay?”
Ashrug.“Yeah.”
“It’sokayifyouaren’t.”Ipaused.“Thisisalot,Rosie.”
Sheheldmygaze,asifshewantedtosaysomething,butsheseemedtochangehermind.“This.”Shethrewherheadbackandlookedatthehole—anddefinitelynotjustacrack—aboveus.“Thisisnothing,really.Nobigdeal.Justalittleinconvenience.It’llbefixedinnotime.”
Itwasn’tlittle.Itreallywasn’t
Mr.Allen,whohadbeensurprisinglyquiet,scoffed,remindedusofhispresence.“There’snothinglittleaboutthis,MissGraham.”
Upperlipcurledupward,heappearedinfrontofus,hisfingerstighteningtheknotofwhatlookedlikeanexpensivetie.Heremindedmeofthecrazyguyfromthatblackcomedyhorrormoviefromtheearly2000s.Theonewiththepsychopath.
AndwhileIagreedwithhimonthisone,Istilltookasmallstepforwardathistone.
Mr.Allen’sgazebouncedfromRosietomebeforereturningtoRosie.“Isupposeyoudon’townproperty,MissGraham.”
“No,Idon’t.ButIwasjusttryingtomakelightofthesituation—”
“Exactly,”PsychoLandlordinterruptedher,makingmyspinestraightenatthechangeinhisvoice.“Andthat’sonlybecauseyouaren’tawareofthecostthatpatchingthisnobigdealisgoingtoentail.Butofcourse”—hepaused,hislipnowimpossiblyhighonhisface—“thisismytime,MissGraham.Mymoney,too.DoyouknowhowmuchIlosebystandinghere,dealingwiththis?”
Rosie’sanswerwasquick.“Icompletelyunderstandthat.I’mnotherebychoice,either.I’mnottheonethatcaused—”
“Oh,Ithinkyoudon’tunderstand,”hecutheroffforthesecondtime,andmybodymovedclosertoRosie’s.Ourshouldersbrushed.PsychoLandlordcontinued,hissmileturningknowing.“Youreallydon’tifyouthinkthiswillbefixedin”—apause—“notime.Infact,Ithinkitwillbetheoppositeofthat.”
IsensedRosie’sbodyfreezeinplaceatMr.Allen’slastwords.SoIlookedoverather,findingherstaringbackathimwithahardjawandaseriousfrown.Atfirstglance,onewouldhavethoughtshewasunbothered,handlingthenewslikeapro,butthenashakybreathescapedhermouth,andhereyesblinkedacoupleoftimes.Thiswasherbraveface,Irealized.Shewasputtingupafa?ade,forwhosebenefit,Ididn’tknow.ButIhappenednottocare,becausemyhandleftmysideandreachedoutinherdirection,landingsoftlyinthemiddleofherback.Rightbetweenhershoulderblades.
Shedidn’tmoveorgivemeanyindicationthatmytouchwasdoinganythingtoherasshelaser-staredintospace,butIkeptmypalmwhereitwas.DrawingslowcirclesandlettingherknowIwashereifsheneededme,thatIhadherback.
“Nothingconcerningintherestoftherooms,”Aidenannounced,returningtothelivingroom.“ExceptforacouplespotsInoticedinthebathroom’sdrywallthatI’dliketocheckwithoneofmyguys.”HelookedoveratRosie,hisexpressionturningcautious.“I’llneedtochecktheupstairsfloortobesureoftheextentofthedamages,though.”Hepointedupwardwithhispen.
Rosie’svoicewasrockywhensheanswered,“Thankyou,Mr.Castillo.”
AidenslippedthepeninthesidepocketofhispantsandturnedtowardPsychoLandlord.“Afterthat,I’llgetmycrewin.”
Mr.Allenclickedhistongue.“Whataboutthequote?Youwon’tgetanycrewinwithoutmegettingaquotefirst,Aiden.”
“Aquote,”Aidensaidveryslowly.“Youhaven’taskedmeforoneinye—”
“Iwantitforthis,”PsychoLandlordinterjected.Somethingcrystallizedinhisgaze,somethingIdidn’tlikeonesinglebit.“Takeaslongasyouneedbutnocrewwillgetinwithoutone.”
“Mr.Allen,”Rosieinterjectedwithasqueakyvoice.“Ihavearequestofsorts,I—”
“Letmeguess,you’dlikemetoprioritizeyourapartmentoverMr.Brown’s?Ortogetthisexpedited,MissGraham?”hespatoutwithsuchdisdainthatIfeltmyselfdriftingforwarduntilpositioningmyselfpartlyinfrontofRosie.NotthatPsychoLandlordwasdeterred,becausehistoneroseandheadded,“Ifyou’renothappywithhowIhandlerepairsinmyproperty,feelfreetobreakthelease.I’llhaveanewtenantin…”Hetrailedoff.“Howdidyouphraseit?Innotime.Asyoumightalreadyknow,apartmentslikethisonegoonandoffthemarketinaflash.”
Rosiesuckedinabreath,butsherecoveredquicklyenoughtosay,“There’snoreasontobeunreasonableand—”
“?‘Unreasonable’?”hebristled,hisfacemorphing,asifhewasgettingakickoutofthis.AsifthismanwasenjoyingplayingpowergameswithRosie.Ifeltmybloodrisetomyhead,thetemperthatsorarelymanifestedinme,boilingtothesurface.“MissGraham,”hesaidinatonethathadmestraightening,“don’tbea—”
“Don’t,”Icuthimoff,gettinginhisfacesohehadnochoicebuttolookatme.“Isuggestyoudon’tfinishthatsentence.”
Themanheldmygaze,buttherewasnomistakinghowhisthroatbobbed.
“Infact,”Ipressed,noticingmyvoicedroppeddown,“Isuggestyoustoptalkingaltogether.”
Themanlimitedhimselftogawkingbackatme,notresponding.Slowly,eversoslowly,evendaringtosmile.JustlikethePsychoLandlordhewas,hefuckingsmiled.
Ifeltmybodymoveforward,eatingawaythelastinchesofspacebetweenus,todowhatexactly,I’dneverknow,becausesomethingstoppedmebeforeIcouldfindout.
Delicatefingerswrappedaroundmyforearm,pullingatme.WhenIdidn’tbackdown,theypulledagain,andthatsecondtimeitwashardtoignorewhattheymeant.Stop.You’recrossingaline.Backdown.ButIdidn’twantto.I’veneverlikedbullies.
ButRosiepulledatmeagain,sosoftlyIbarelyfeltit,andIhadnochoicebuttoreturntoherside.
“Howuncivilized.Somefriendsyouhave,MissGraham,”theopenlyrelievedmaninfrontofusmuttered.
IexpectedRosietosidewithhim,asIprobablywouldhaveafterwhatI’djustdone,butinstead,herfingersshifted,grippingmywrist.Thepadofherthumbslippedinsidemysleeve,fallingagainstmyskinandgrazingitsoftly.Asifshewastryingtotellmethatitwasokayandthatshewasn’tmad.
AndbecauseIclearlyhadnorespectforboundaries,Iturnedmyhandandclaspedhersinmine.
“There’snothinguncivilizedabouthim,”IthoughtIheardRosiemurmur.
Apartofmewantedtotakenoticeofthat,tolookather,butPsychoLandlordsaid,“Aiden,let’sgo.Mr.Browniswaiting.”
Andwiththat,heturnedaroundandheadedforthedoor.
Onlyafterhedisappeared,Aidensaid,“He’sanasshole.”Hesighed.“I’lltrytogetthatquoteassoonaspossible.”Andwithanodofhishead,hedisappearedafterPsychoLandlord.
Rosiesteppedaway,severingthecontactbetweenourhands.WhenIfinallyglancedather,shewaslookingupattheceiling.
“Well,thatsucked,”shesaidunderherbreath,herhandscomingtorestonherwaist.“Iwonder…Howmuchspacewillthecrewandwhateverequipmentortoolstheybringintake.”
Ifrownedatthat.
“Ifyouthinkaboutit,”shecontinued.“Kitchen,bathroom,andbedroomare…free.”
Free?Ididn’tlikewherethiswasheaded.
AndIlikeditevenlesswhenRosie’sbrowsmetinherforeheadassheinspectedherceiling,thinkingreallyhardaboutsomething.And—
AsoundmusthavecomeoutofmymouthbecauseRosie’sattentionwasbackonme.“Areyouokay?”
WasI?“Pleasetellmeyou’renotthinkingofstayinghere.”
Sheworriedherlipbutdidn’tanswer.
“Youcan’tstayhere,Rosie.”Itriedtobendmymouthintoasmilebutfailed,judgingbyherreaction.Infact,Iwasprobablyscowling.
Shecrossedherarmsoverherchest,herexpressiononeofshock.“Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutme.Orbabysitme.”
“Rosie.”Ibreathedoutabitterlaugh.“I’mnotbabysittingyou.”
“I’mjustyourcousin’sbestfriend.”Shethoughtaboutsomething.“You’vedoneenoughalready.You’veletmestaywithyou.You’velistenedtomy…nonsense.Andyou’veevensteppedupformewithMr.Allen,whenthat’ssomethingyoureallydidn’tneedtodo.”
Itwasmyturntolookperplexed.“Butwe’refriends.”
“Arewe?”
BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,avoicecamefrom…aboveus.“What’sallthisshoutingabout?”
Myheadjerked,mygazegoingupandfindingamandressedinacheckeredrobepeekingdown.Mybrowsshotupmyforehead,almostfusingwithmyhairline
Hecontinued,“We’retryingtohaveaconversationuphere.”
UnabletobelievewhatIwasseeing,Itookastepforward.Inarrowedmyeyes,inspectingthemanand—
“PorelamordeDios,”Iscoffed,shiveringatthesight.“There’snothingunderhisrobe.”IglancedbackatRosie.“Rosie.Hisballsarehangingfreelike—”
“Hi,Mr.Brown!”Rosieinterjectedbeforegivingmeashrug.“Ihopeeverything’sgoingokay!”
“Rosie.”Igroaned.“Why…”Istarted,toobewilderedtocontinue.“JesusChrist.”
“It’sfine.”Sherolledhereyes.“NotthefirsttimeI’veseenthat.”
Mymouthopened,thensnappedclose.Ididn’tevenknowwhattosay.TheonlythingIknewwasthatmyflightswitchhadbeenflipped,anditbeggedmetograbRosiebythewaist,throwheronmyshoulder,andgetheroutofthereassoonaspossible.
“Rosie,”Isaidslowly.Carefully.“Let’sgohome.”
Atremorrockedher,andshesaid,“Butallmythingsarehere.”
“I’llcooksomethingfordinnerandwe’llcallitaday,”Itoldher,watchingherclosely.“Tomorrowyou’llbefreshasarose,readytogetallthewordsin.”
“Sure.”Shehuffedwithfrustration,herexpressionturningdefeated.Wornout.“Becausethat’ssomethingIcando.”
Thatgotmyattention.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Sheshookherhead.
“Whydidyousaythat?”Igentledmyvoice,guessing—knowing—therewassomethingthatshewasn’ttellingme.“Youcantrustme,Rosie.”
Moreofthatjerkyheadshakingfollowed,herarmsgoingaroundherwaist.
“Rosie?”Isteppedalittlecloser,growingconcerned.“What’swrong?”
Shedidn’tanswer;shewasn’tevenlookingatme.
Itiltedmyhead.“Hey,Ro—”
“Nothing!”sheblurtedoutloudly,startlingtheshitoutofme.“Nothing’swrong!”Hervoicecameouthigh-pitched,atremorrockingherlipandmakingherjawclatter.“Everything’sfineanddandy!”
“Rosie,”Iwhispered,closingthedistancebetweenusfaster.“Hey,cari?o,what’sgoingon?”
Ashakybreathwaspluckedoutofher,hershouldersnowfallingandhereyesgettingwaterybythesecond.“Nothing’swrong,”sherepeated,rightbeforethedambroke.“There’safreakingholeintheceilingofmyapartment.ThesestupidrepairsaregoingtotakeamuchlongertimethanIthought.I’minconveniencingyoubecauseI’vebeenlyingtomydadformonthsandcan’tstaywithhim.I’mprettysuremybrotherisinsomekindofweirdbusiness.AndIhavelessthaneightweeksleftuntilIhavetohandinamanuscriptthat’snowherenearwhereitshouldbecauseI’mstuck.Ican’twrite,Lucas!Andhereyouare,witnessingthecompleteanduttermessthatismylife.Oh,andtomakeeverythingevenbetter,I’vebeencravingCronutseversinceIgotmyperiodthismorningandwhenweleavehereitwillbetoolatetogetthembecauseHolyCronutwillbeclosed!”
Rootedtotheplace,Icouldonlywatchherasshecameupforair.
“Sofine!Okay!”shecontinued,startlingmeagain.“Theremightbemorethanacouplethingsthatarewrong.ButI’mRosie.I’msupposedtokeepmyshittogether.”Ahiccupbrokefree.“Becausethat’swhatIdobest.Keepingittogether.AndnowIjust…Ijust…”
Itwasthelonelytearfallingoutofthecornerofhereyethatpropelledmylegstoclosetherestofthedistancebetweenus.
Intwosecondsflat,myarmswerearoundhershouldersandIwasbringingherintomychest.“It’sokay,”Isaid,movingoneofmyhandstothebackofherhead,soIcouldsecureheragainstme.
“I’mnotlosingit,”shemuffledagainstmysweatshirt.“I’mRosieandIcan’tloseit.”
Squeezingheralittletighterasherbodyshookundermyarms,IletmychinrestontopofRosie’shead.“Youcanloseyourshit,Graham,”Itoldher,asIswayeduslefttoright.“You’reentitledtothateveryonceinawhile.”
“ButIhateitwhenIdo.Idon’twantanyoneseeingmelikethis.Especiallynotyou.”Shehiccuppedagain.“I’msuchanuglycrier.”
“Ugly?Impossible.”
Astrangledsoundlefther,warmingtheskinbeneaththefabricofmysweatshirt.“Stopbeingsonicetome.”
“I’mjustbeinghonest,”Itoldher,andImeantit.AndIhadn’tmissedtheespeciallynotyou,butitwasn’tthetimetoinspectthat.“It’shealthytoletitallout.”Itrailedmyhandupanddownherback.Massagingalongherspine.“Especiallywhenyouareundersomuchpressure.”
“Maybe,”shesaid,stillburiedinmychest.“ButIstilldon’tlikeit.”
Somethingoccurredtome,somethingthatmightmakethosetearsstop.“YoumetAbuela,right?Atthewedding?”
Rosienodded.
“ThelasttimeIdidsomethinglikethis,somethinglikepretendingnothingwaswrong,thatitwasall…goodanddandy”—Iusedherwords—“Abuelaflungawoodenspoonatme.Hitmesquareintheface.”
I’dexpectedRosietogasp,orlaugh,butinstead,shewentwithathoughtful,“IloveAbuela.”
“It’shardnottoloveher.Andlet’sfaceit,Iprobablydeservedit.”
Sheletoutsomethingthatwasclosetoalaugh.Kindof.
Good,aslongasshestoppedcryingIcouldembarrassmyselfalittlemore.“ThespoonhadbeencoveredintheBologneseshe’dbeencooking,andIlookedlikeI’dgottenintoabrawlwithacanoftomatosauce.”InAbuela’sdefense,I’ddeservedit.“Oh,andafterhittingme,sheproceededtoyell,Tontossonlosquehacentonterías.Stupidpeoplearethosethatdostupidstuff.”IletmyfingersreachRosie’shair,absentmindedlystrokingthesoftcurls.Whenshedidn’tflinch,Iletmyhandrestthere.“Abuelawasright,though.It’snotsmarttopretendeverything’sokaywhenitisn’t.Whenyoubottlesomethingupsotightly,thelidwillblowup.Soonerratherthanlater.”
Rosiedidn’tspeak,andmylaststatementleftmewithabittertasteinmymouth,sowestayedinsilenceafterthat,swayingleftandrightwithoutcaringtoreleaseeachother.
WhenRosiefinallyspokeagain,hervoicenolongerquivered.“Lucas?”
Fullyawarethattherewasnoreasontohavemyarmsaroundheratthispointbutnotcaringtomove,IansweredwithaHmm.
“Whathadyoubeenbottlingup?Whenshethrewthatspoonatyou.”
Itreallyshouldn’thaveaftermyalmost-confession,butherquestioncaughtmeoffguard.“I…”Itrailedoff,notfollowingmyownadviceandshovingeverythingI’dbeenkeepinglockedinevendeeper.“I’lltellyouifyoustopfightingmyhelp.Andifyoucomebacktotheapartmentwithme.Youcan’tstayhere.”
“Can’tyoutellmenow?”
“Showmethatyoutrustme.”
Rosieextricatedherselffrommyembrace,lookingupatme.
Imethergaze.“That’showthisworks,Graham.It’satwo-wayroad.”
Sheconsideredsomethingforalongtime,thensaidalmostreluctantly,“Okay.”Shefollowedthatupwithaloudsigh.“Ifthat’syourwayofaskingmeifwecanbefriends,thenfine.Iguesswecanbefriends.”
Somethingracedacrossmychest,onemomentthereandgonethenext.
“Friends,”Isaid,finallylettingmyarmsdroptomysides,becausefriendscomfortedeachotherbutknewwheretodrawtheline.“Let’sgo,then.Idon’twanttoriskMr.Brownflashingushisballsagain.”
“Okay,”sherepeated,nowwithmoreconviction.“Let’sgohome,roomie.”CHAPTERNINERosie
Iclosedmylaptop,unabletolookatmymanuscriptforonemoresecond.
Zerooutof2,500words.
“God,thissucks,”Isaidintothesilentandemptystudioapartment.
BecauseI’dwrittenzeroandI’dhadtorecalculatemydailywordgoal.Again.
Ithoughtbackonceagaintoyesterday’sepicmeltdown.TohowI’ddumpedacrap-loadofemotionalbaloneyonLucas.TohowI’dthenproceededtoslobberalloverhissweatshirtforanindecentlylargeamountoftime.Andmostofall,IthoughtofLucas’scalmandcarefulcomfort.Ofhowhe’dsteppedinwithoutmeaskinghimto.Withoutmeexpectinghimto.
AndIthoughtofthathug.Afull-bodyhug.Soothing,healing,intentional—becauseLucashuggedlikehemeantit,likeallhisfocuswasonthatembraceandthatembraceonly.Alife-alteringhug,ifsomethingassimpleasahugwasevermeanttodothat.
Allmylife,I’vebeenthepersonothersreliedon.IsharedtheburdenwithDadwhenmymotherwalkedoutonusandleftuswithaten-month-oldOllyandaten-year-oldmewhohadtolearnhowtogrowupfast.IcarriedtheweightaloneattimeswhenDadwasn’tthere.I’vebeentherockinthemiddleofthepondformyfriends,thatpersontheycouldcountonforagoodcryorhonestadvice.I’vetakenanyroleI’vebeenneededfor,alwaysmakingsuretobethere,tokeepatightgriponanysituationoranycrisis.Alwayscalm,alwaysincontrol.Thatwasprobablywhymyjobasanengineeringconsultanthadbeenso…fitting,sonatural.I’dbeenpaidtoplanprojects,toprovidemyexpertise,andtoadviseinthecaseofacrisis.AndthatwasprobablyalsowhyquittingthattodowhatIreallyloved—somethingthatcouldberuledbyemotions—hadbeenso…liberating.
Evenifithadledmetothis.Tothemeltdown.ToLucas’simmediatereaction,himlendingmehisstrength.Takingover.
Isighed.
Blindingsmile,wideshoulders,madcookingskills,thesuperpowertogivethebestfull-bodyhugsintheworld,andabigheart.
Lifereallywasunfairsometimes.
“AndhereIam,”Imutteredundermybreath.“Thinkingaboutamaninsteadofwriting.”
Notthatitwouldhavechangedanything;Istillcouldn’twrite.
Pushingthestoolback,Istrolledtothewindowandthrewitopen,welcomingthechillyOctoberbreeze.Ileanedonthesill,wonderingifIshouldtrytocallLinaagain.Maybe—
Myphonebuzzedfromtheothersideoftheapartment.
“Freaky,”Imurmured.
Istalkedbacktothekitchenisland,pickedupmyphone,andsmiledatthenamelightingupthescreen.
“BESTIIIIIIIIIE!”avoiceIknewwellscreeched.“WhydoIhaveamillionmissedcallsfromyou?DoyoumissmethisbadlyordidyoufinallyspotSebastianStanandItotallymissedit?Didyoutwohititoff?Isheascuteinperson?Ifhe’sajerk,don’ttellme.Don’truinSebforme.”
“Lina.”Iletoutahalfsigh,halflaugh.“Iwasjustthinkingofyou.Anditwasn’tamillioncalls,itwasjusttwo.”
“Hmm,I’lltakethatasno.PoorSeb.It’sreallyhisloss.”
“Ugh,I’vemissedyou.”Walkingovertothecouch,Iletmyselfplopdownonit,turnedthespeakervolumetothemax,andplacedthephoneonthecoffeetable.“Howiseverything,Mrs.Martín-Blackford?HowisPeru?Isthehoneymoongoingasplanned?”
“Ah,Rosie,Icouldgetusedtothis.Doyouthinkthey’llmissusatworkifwestayalittlelonger?”Sheloweredhervoice.“Orforever?”
“Well,consideringyourhusbandisthedivisionheadofanengineeringfirminthrivingNewYorkCityandyouareleaderofateaminsaiddivision,I’dsay…probably?”
“Ugh.Ishouldhavestayedaconsultant,”shesaid,eventhoughIknewshedidn’tmeanit.Linalovedherjob.“Or,youknow,Ishouldhavemarriedsomeonewithoutresponsibilities.”
Iopenedmymouthtotellherhowridiculousthatwas,consideringthosetwowerehardlyabletokeeptheirhandsoffeachother,butbeforeIcouldgetawordout,Aaron’sdeepvoicewasdistinguishableinthebackground.
Then,IheardLinatellhim,“Don’tgetyourpantiesinabunch,amor!Iwasonlyjoking.I’dmarryyouonehundredtimesover.”
Somemoremuffledwordsweresaidinthebackandagiggleleftmybestfriend.Basedonexperience,itwasthekindofgigglethatusuallyprecededakiss,atouch,orahooded-eyedLinaandAaron.
Apangofjealousysurgedthroughme.Thegoodkind.ThekindoflongingthatmademewonderifI’deverfindwhattheyhad.Ironically,thishadbeenthekindoflongingthathadpushedmetoflirtwiththeideaofwritingallthattimeago.Tobringtolifethekindoflovethatneverseemedtohappenforme.
Lookatmenow,though,onebookandahalf-assedtryatasecondonelater,andnotonlydidthewellofinspirationseememptybutIhadn’tmanagedtofindlove,either.
“Rosie?”Lina’svoicebroughtmeback.“Iwastellingyouaboutmyhoneymoonsexletics,nowthatmyhusbandlefttogetempanadasperuanas,butyoutotallyspacedoutonme.”
“Sorry,sweetie.”
Thelinewasquietforafewmoments
“Iseverythingallright?”Linafinallyasked,andgonewasherteasingandlightheartedtone.“Iwasjokingaboutthecalls,youknow?Youcanalwayscallme.Asmanytimesasyouneed.”
“Iknow,”Itoldher,becauseIdidknowthat.“But—”
“Youwon’tburstmybubble,”shefinishedforme,remindingmewhyshewassuchanessentialandimportantpersoninmylife.Sheknewmeinsideout.Andthatwaswhysheknewwhattosaynexttoappeaseme.“I’mashappyasI’veeverbeeninmyentirelifeandtalkingaboutwhateverisgoingonwithyouwon’tchangethat.”
Iletthatsinkin,andIdidn’tfeeljealousythistime,evenifhealthy,butpureunfilteredjoyforher.Forthem.AaronandLinadeservednothingbuthappiness.
“Actually,”shecontinued.“It’syouthinkingthatyoucan’tcountonmethat’sbreakingmypoor,fragileheart.I—”
“Okay,okay.”Ibreathedout.“Youcanstoptheemotionalblackmail.It’snotlikeIdon’twanttotalkaboutitwithyou.Ijust…”
“Don’twanttobothermewhileI’monmyhoneymoonwithmyswoon-worthyhusband,Iknow.Butwe’veestablishedthatyou’renotdoingthat.So,starttalking,bestie.”
Starttalking
TherewassomuchIneededtotellher.Toconfess,really.Startingwiththefactthatmyapartmentwasoutofcommissionforthetimebeing.AndthatIwassharingherstudiowithhercousin.AndthatI’dharboredanonlinecrushonsaidcousinandspendingtimewithhimwasn’tmakingitanybetter.
Andyet,whatcameoutofmymouthwas,“IthinkImighthavemadeaterriblemistake.”
“Okay.”Hertonewascareful.“Wasthatan‘Iaddedsalttothebatterinsteadofsugar’mistake,ora‘honey,rememberthezincphosphidewegotfortheratinfestationproblem,wellI’dstopchewingifIwereyou’mistake?”
Iclosedmyeyes.“Thesecondone?”Ithoughtaboutitalittlebetter.“Maybenotexactlythesecondonebutsomethingclosetoit.Minustheaccidentalpoisoningofmyfamily.Let’ssayIwastheonlyonepoisoned.AndIkindofdidittomyself.Let’ssay—”
“Rosie?”Shestoppedme.
“Yeah?”
“Ithinkwetookthemetaphortoofar,andnowIdon’tknowwhatwe’retalkingabout.”
Ireleasedadeepbreath.“QuittingmyjobatInTech.Thatwasthemistake,Lina.”
“What?”ShegaspedwithwhatIknewwashonestshock.“Whywouldyouthinkthat?You’relivingyourbestwriter’slifenow,nodistractionsandabookdealinthebag.”
“Yes,onlyI’mnotlivingmybestwriter’slife.”Ilookedupattheceiling,bringingmyfingerstomytemples.“Ihaven’tbeenwriting.I’mlessthaneightweeksawayfrommydeadlineandI’m…I’mnowhere.I’vebeenstuckforalongtime,andnow,Idon’tthinkI’llmakeit.I’vegotnothing,Lina.Notasinglething.”
Therewassilence,andthenmybestfriendsaid,“Oh,Rosie.”
Atremorrockedmylowerlip,thelockonthegatesthathadbustedopenlessthantwenty-fourhoursagorattlingagain.“Sothere’sthat,”Iblurtedinastrange-soundingvoice.“I’mafailure.Ihaven’tevenhadmydreamyetandI’malreadyafailure.Doyou…DoyouthinkthatAaronwilltakemebackifIaskformyoldjob?”
“No.”
“Okay,well.Igetit.Iguesssomeoneelse—”
“No,”sherepeated.“You’renotaskingAaronforyourjob.”
“Lina—”
“Shutupandlisten.Andlistencarefully.”Mymouthsnappedclosed,myeyesgrowingmorewaterybythemomenteventhoughmybestfriend’stonewasharsh.“You,RosalynGraham,areaboss-lady.”
IletoutasoundIrefusedtoacknowledgeasahiccup.
“Youhaveanengineeringdegree.Youwerepromotedtoteamleaderinatop-tiertechcompanyingoddamnNewYorkCity.”Shepaused,lettingallthatsinkin.“Youwroteabook—inyourfreetime.Agoodfreakingbook,Rosie.Abeautifulandepiclovestoryaboutawarveteranthattravelsthroughtimeandfightstofindaplace,hisplace,besidethewomanhesohelplesslylovesinthepresentday.DoyouknowthatCharoisstillcallinghim‘MyOfficer’?Thewomanhasclaimedthatfictionalmanashersandshegenuinelygetspissedatpeopleiftheysomuchasmentionhim.”Iknewthat.Linahadsentmescreenshotsfrommorethanafewaggressivelyenthusiasticmessages.“ThedayshefindsoutthatyouaretheRosalynSage,she’sgoingtoflipandpesteryoufortherestofyourlife.”Apause.“Andthat’sonlybecauseyousmashedit.Youknockeditoutofthepark.”
“Ididn’treallysmashit,Lina.I—”
“Thatpublishinghousedidn’tofferadealbecauseofyourprettyface.”
“Okay,”Ireluctantlyagreed.“Iguessmyfirstbookwasokay.”
Linahuffed.“Itwasn’tjustokay,Rosie.Itwaslacedwithcrack,Itoldyou.ThesmallalbeitenthusiasticpartofmyfamilythatspeaksEnglishadoredit.”Iheardsomerufflingnoiseintheback,asifshe’djustopenedachocolatebarorasnackbag.Bothpossibleoptionswithher.“Andontopofallthat,youhadtheballstoquitajobthatnolongerfulfilledyouandpursueacareerthatdid.Inwriting.Becauseyou’regoodatit,Rosie.”
Theballs.
ThatremindedmeofLucaswhenhe’dcalledmeballsy.Ballsy.Me
Myheartresumedthefunnyflip-flopbusinessitperformedeverytimeIthoughtofhim.
“AmIballsy,though?”Iheardmyselfaskoutloud.
“Yes!”Linaconfirmedrightaway.“Thiswholethingaboutyoubeingstuckisyourfeartalking.You’reterrifiedtofail,Rosie.Iknowyou.Butyouneedtogetoutofyourhead,stopwhiningaboutnotbeingabletofixtheproblem,andstartbelievingthatyoucan.”
“Ouch,”Imuttered.
“I’msayingitbecauseIloveyou.”Icouldpictureherwavingafingeratme.“Don’tletthepressureyou’reputtingonyourselfparalyzeyou.Youaretheonlypersonlimitingyourself,Rosie.”
Herwordscutalittledeeperthantheyshouldhave.Notthewhiningpart,buttheoneaboutmebeingtheproblem.BecauseIwasstartingtobelievethatIwas.
“Writer’sblockiscommon,”Linaadded.“So,we’llunblockyou.”
“Unblockme?”
“We’llpopyourightopen.”
Myhandsdroppedtomysides,mypalmsrestingonthesoftfabricofthecushions.“Idon’tknow,Lina.Idon’t…evenknowwhat’swrongwithme.I’mjust…”
Therewasabeatofsilence.“You’rewhat?”
“I’m…”Itrailedoff.“It’sasiftherewereahundredmillionthingsstoppingmefromwritingandIjustflatlinewhenItry.”Ishookmyhead.“I’vetriedeverything,evenacupuncture,becauseIreadonsomeblogthatithelpedreleasingendorphinsthataidedinspiration.Itdidn’twork.”
Thelinewassilent,thenatentative,“Theremightbesomethingyoucouldtry.”
“Andthatis…?”
Linadidn’tanswerrightaway,whichtoldmeenoughaboutwhateverwascoming.“Yoursecondbookisinthesameuniverse,isn’tit?Youtoldmeyouwantedtogivehisbestfriendhishappilyeverafter.”
“Yes.”
“Youmentionedthatthistimearoundthestorywouldbealittlemore…lighthearted.Thatitwouldbeabouthimbattlingmodernlifeandadjustingtohowthingshavechangedinthewildernessthatisdatingnowadays.”
“Yes,IsupposeIsaidthat.”
“So,”Linasaidveryslowly,somuchthatthetwo-letterworddraggedforafewseconds.“Youcoulddothesame.Youcouldgetbackoutthere.”
Ifrowned.“Outwhere?”
“Dating,”sheansweredwithconfidence.“You’vebeenholedupfor…howlong?”sheasked,butIwasn’tgiventhechancetoanswer.“Toolong.Maybethat’stheproblem.You’rearomancewriter.Tryingtowriteaboutamanfromthe1900sdatinginpresentday.Maybeyoushouldjust…dothat.Ifyouthinkaboutit,youtwoarenotsodifferent.Youhaven’tdatedanyoneforatleasttwoyears.”Achucklelefther.“Youandyourheroaretwobeautifulandold-fashionedfishdumpedinthetwenty-first-centurydatingpond.”
Astrangesoundleftmythroat.Iopenedmymouthtotellherallthemanyanddifferentwaysherideacouldgosideways,butIstoppedmyself.Becausemaybe,justmaybe…
“Itcouldwork,”Linasaidasifshe’djustreadmymind.“Listen,myfirstideahadbeensex.Orgasms.Iwasgoingtosuggestyougetanewvibratorwhenyoumentionedtheendorphins,butIthinkyouneedtherealthingthistimearound.”
Iblinked,tryingtoprocesseverything.
“YouknowI’mnotgoodwithhookupsandone-nightstands,”Ireplied.
“Exactly,”sheansweredquickly.“Youneedtoberomancedbeforegettingtothehanky-panky.”
“Thehanky-panky?”
Sheignoredmyquestion.“That’swhyIthinkyoushouldre-downloadTinder.OrBumble.OrwhateverapptheZuckerbergofdatingsoftwarehascomeupwiththisweek.”
“Adatingapp.”Icouldhearthethickskepticismcoatingmyvoice.“Whatabouttheold-fashionedfish?IthinkIlikedthatbetter.Canwegetbacktothat?Nothinggoodhasevercomeoutofadatingapp.Notforme.”
“Listen.”Linaclearedherthroat.“Iknowyou’veswornoffapps—andmen—forareason,agoodoneatthat.Thelastmanyoudatedinparticular,AssfaceNumberFive,was…well,let’sjustsayhewasluckyIdidn’tborrowAaron’scarandaccidentallyrunhimover.”
“Lina!”Igasped.“We’vetalkedaboutyousayingstufflikethat.”
“Justasoftbrushofthebumperagainsthisass.That’sallI’msaying.”
Ishookmyhead.“YouwanttorunovereverymanI’veeverdated.”
Linalaughedbutitsoundeddarkand…bloodthirsty.“Maybebecausethey’veallbeenassfaces.”Iclosedmyeyes,feeling…helplessandtired.Mostlybecauseshewasright.“Mypointis,”Linacontinued,“thatthelonglineofidiotsyou’vedatediswhatsomehowledyoutowritethatphenomenaldebut.Andyoucan’tcountongoingdowntoCentralPark,droppingascarf,andhopingthemanofyourdreamsfindsitandproceedstosearchthecity—”
“Yeah,”Icutheroff.“Idon’thavethetime,Igetit.”
“Youdon’t,”sheagreedgently.“Somaybe,justmaybe,downloadingadatingappandgettingbackouttheremightchangesomething.Itmightfindyousomeinspiration.Jump-startthewholething.Orclearyourheadandhavesomefun.Thatcan’tbesobad,either.”
Ihuggedmymiddlewithmyarms,notwantingtoacceptthatwhatshewassayingmadesense.
“Maybeyoucouldeventreatthisas…”Shetrailedoff,thencontinuedmoreenthusiastically,“Asresearch.Fieldwork.Asifyouwererunninganexperiment.Pickamananddowhateveryouneedtogetthosecreativejuicesrunning.Youdon’tevenneedtotellhim.”
Anexperiment
Ididn’tlikethelastpart,though.Ididn’tthinkIhadthegutstotricksomeoneinto…whateverLinawasimplying.Beingdishonesthadneverbeenmything.
AlthoughIhadliedtoDadformonths,Iremindedmyself.AndnowIwaslying—byomission—toLinabynottellingherthatIwaslivinginherapartmentwhileshewasaway.Withhercousin
“It’sworththeshot,”sheencouraged.
“Itprobablyis,”Iadmittedquietly.“Atthispoint,I’lltryanythingifitmeansIhavethechancetogetoutofthisstupidfunk.”Pressurereturnedtothebackofmyeyes,andIevensurprisedmyselfwhenthenextwordsleftmylips.“Whoknows,maybeI’llevenmanagetofindloveforonce?”Thesliverofhopedawninginmychestatthethoughtfadedquickly.“Orifit’sjustnotinthecardsforme,IguessI’mfinedaydreamingoftherealthingfortherestofmydaysifIcanmanagetowriteaboutit.”
“Don’tsaythat,Rosie,”LinasaidsosoftlythatIfeltmythroatcloseupwith…emotions.Lotsofmessy,intenseemotions.God,Iambeingsuchababylately.“Ofcourseit’sinthecardsforyou.Whoknows,thiscouldbecomeoneofthoseHallmarkmoviesyoulovesomuch.”Sheloweredhervoiceandannounced,“Romancewriterdatesinsearchofinspirationandfallsinlove.Spoileralert,itwasabestseller.”Shechuckled.“Andifyoudon’tandtheguy’sajerk,thenwe’llborrowAaron’scar,andwewillmakesurethatmannevercrossesonredeveragain.”
God,Ilovedmybestfriend.Ilovedherevenifhergood-intentionedbutviolentnaturewasgoingtogetusinjailanydaynow.
Oncemore,mystomachtangledinknotsatthereminderofeverythingIwaskeepingfromher.ButjustasIopenedmymouth,acreakingsoundfromtheentrywaycaughtmyattention.
Ijoltedaround,mygazestumblinguponalargeformthatI’dhavetobeblindnottorecognizeimmediately.
Lucas.Myroommate.Lina’scousin.
Hewasback,andhewasstandingbythethresholdofthedoorwithhisshouldersdrawnup,andhiseyeswiderthanusual.Infact,hewastheimageofsomeonethathadbeencaughtdoingsomethingbad.Somethingtheyshouldn’thavebeendoing.Something—
OhGod.Ohno.
Justlikethat,Iknew.IknewwithacertaintyIhadtroubleprocessingwhathe’dbeenbusteddoing.
Snooping.Listening.
“Rosie?”mybestfriendcalled,hervoicecomingoutthespeakerthatI’dsettothemaximumpossiblevolumewhenI’dpickedup.“Youstillthere?”
“Sorry,”Icroaked,myeyeslaserfocusedonhisprofile.“I’mherebutI…Ineedtogonow.”
BecauseIcouldn’tripmyeyesoffLucas,IwatchedhimmoveasmymindwasfloodedwithchantsofWhy,Lord,why?Whydidhehavetooverhearthisoneparticularconversation?
Lucaswalkedinmydirection,andmygaze—whichwasstilldoingitsownthing—decideditwasagoodtimetocheckhimout.Tomarvelatthewayhisemerald-greenhoodiehuggedachestIknewfeltsolidagainstmycheek.Togetalittlelostinthewayalockofchocolatehairfelloverhisforehead.
Sexyanddisheveledsnooper,hecouldatleasthavethedecencynottolookso…distracting.
“Fine,okay,”IheardLinasay,justasLucasreachedme.Hesatdownonthecoffeetable,rightinfrontofme,andplacedablueandpinkboxIhadn’tnoticed,rightbesidemyphone.Iswallowed,notinghowhiskneeswerehalfaninchawayfrombrushingmine.Linacontinued,“I’lltellAbuelatolightacandleandaskforadecentguythatcanatleastgiveyouoneortwoorgasmsbecause—”
“Thankyou,Lina,”Iquicklyinterrupted,jerkingforwardandgrabbingmyphone.Ideactivatedthespeakerandbroughtittomyear.“I’llcallyoulater,okay?Ireallyneedtogo.”
“Allright,”mybestfriendrelented.“I’llletyouoffthehook,butjustbecauseIloveyouandonlyifyoupromisemetorememberthatyoucandoanything.”
IcouldfeelLucas’seyesburningholesonthesideofmyface,butIkeptmygazedown.“Loveyou,too,Lina.GiveAaronahugandenjoytherestofthehoneymoon,okay?”
Heartinmythroat,Iendedthecall,tryingmybestnottolooklikeIwasscramblingtocomeupwithaplanofactionwhilemymindthrewquestionsrightandleft.Lucashasheardabouttheorgasms.Butwhatabouttherest?God,howlonghashebeenstandingthere?
“Hey,”Iheardhimsaysosoftlythatthewordsetoffaboutahundredalarmsinmyhead.Yesterday,he’dhadtoholdmewhileIlostmyever-lovingshit,andtodaythis.“You’renotgonnasayhitome,Rosie?”
“Hi,”Ianswered,keepingmyeyesdown.BecauseifIlookedupathimandfoundthebaresttraceofpityinhisface,I’dbeso…sad.Devastated,really.“So,thatwasLinaonthephone.”
“Inoticed.”
Mylipspursed.“Ididn’tgetthechancetotellherthatwe’rebothstayinghere.Together.Until…youknow,Icangobacktomyplace.”Iswallowed,keepingmyeyestrainedonthecornerofthecoffeetablethathewasn’toccupying.IfIwantednothingtoseemwrong,Ihadtoactlikeit.“Anyway,howwasyourday?DidyougotothefreeexhibitintheNewYorkPublicLibraryItoldyouabout?Didyoulikeit?Wasitascoolasitseemedontheirwebsite?”
“Yes,”hesaid,asifthatonewordansweredallfourofmyquestions.Thenadded,“Ibroughtyousomething.”
Hemovedtheblueandpinkboxtowardme,andIdidadoubletakewhenInoticedthelogoonthelid.Somethinginmychestexpandedjustlikeaballoonbeingpumpedwithair,anditgrewbiggerthelongerIgawkedatthatpinkandbluecardboardcontainerIrecognized.
“Youremembered,”Imumbledinawobblyvoice.“Cronuts.FromHolyCronut.JustlikeImentionedyesterday.”
Ihadn’tjustmentionedit.I’dscreamedit,rightafterI’dinformedhimthatIwasonmyperiod,andrightbeforeI’dcoveredhissweatshirtinsnot.
“Idid,”headmitted,theballoontakingallthespaceinmyribcage.“Igotmyreplacementcreditcardinthemailboxthismorning,soIthoughtwecouldcelebrate.”Hepushedtheboxinmydirection.“Ifyou’llsharebecause,asIsaid,theseareforyou.”
“IfI’llshare?”Iasked.Becausewasthismanreal?Washeactually,really,trulyreal?IslidmygazefromthebluelettersthatreadHolyCronuttohisknees.“Ofcourse,I’llshare.”Apause.“Yougotthebigbox.”
“Itwasthebiggesttheysold.”
Oneofhishandscametorestagainsthisleftthigh,andIthoughtaboutthepieceoftanskinIcouldseethroughtheripsinhisjeans.Theurgetoreachoutandseehowthatfeltundermyfingersswarmedme.
“Whatdoyousay?”Strong-lookingfingerstappedagainsthisleg.Asifhe’dknownIwasfocusedonthatexactspotandwantedtogetmyattention.“Shouldwehavethemnow,orsavethemforlater?Maybeafterdinner?”
Somethingthatsoundedalotlikeacomplaininggruntleftme.
“Nowitis.”Lucaslaughed,andthat,hislaughter,turnedouttobereasonenoughtomakemefinallylookup.Athisface.
“Mybreakdownmusthavebeenofepicproportions,”Imurmured,studyingthewaythecornersofhiseyeswrinkledwithasmile.“Ormaybeyou’reterrifiedofmenowandyou’rejustappeasingtheuglycryingmonster.”
“There’snothinguglyaboutyou.”
Mylipsparted,hiswordsechoinginmyears.
Asifhehadn’tjustsaidsomethingmeanttostaywithmeforever,hethrewthelidopen,unveilingthesixpastriesinside.“Plus,Ilovebeingcriedoneveryonceinawhile.”Theboxwaspushedinmydirectionagain.“It’sgoodformyskin.”
Ishookmyheadlightlyandfishedoutonesugaryandcinnamonycrispypieceofheaven.“Thankyou,Lucas.Youreallydidn’thavetodothis.”
Hegrabbedone,too,andthencheeredhisCronutagainstmine,asiftherewassomethingworthcelebrating.“Friendsdon’tdostuffforfriendsexpectingathank-you,Rosie.”
Friends
“Right.”IwilledmylipsupwardandendedupgivinghimwhatIknewwasthesmallestsmileinthehistoryofsmiles.Hefrowned,soIfelttheneedtodistracthim.“Iguesswe’llhavetofindsomethingtosayinsteadofthankyouthen.”
HiseyesdancedwithsomethingIlikedknowingIhadputthere.Evenafterthatreminderofusbeingfriends.“Likeacode?”heasked.“Justforus?”
“Sure,”Isaid,lovingtheideawaymorethanhedid.FarmorethanIshouldhave.“Somethinglikethat.”
Lucasthoughtaboutitforafewmoments,thenwavedhispastry-holdinghand.“Cronutyou.Howaboutthat?”
Hissmilewasbig,bright,allmegawattpowerondisplay.
AndIlookedathimashesattherelikethiswasnothing,likehewasn’twonderfulandhewasn’tmakingitveryhardformenottolikehimmoreandmore,somuchthatIhadtophysicallyrestrainmyselffromtellinghimthatIbelievedhewasthesweetestmanI’devermet.Sweeterthananypastryhecouldgetme.“Cronutyou,Lucas.”
Andwithoutanotherword,wedugin,equallydelightedmoansleavingourmouths.Thecontentsoftheboxdisappearedinrecordtime.Andbythetimewe’dbothfinishedlickingthetipsofourfingers,Ihadsuccessfullymanagedtoforgetaboutalmosteverything.
“So,Rosie,”Lucassaid,pinningmewithalookthatshouldhavewarnedmeofwhatwastocome.“Willyoufinallytellmeaboutyourwriter’sblockandthislonglineofassfacesyou’vedated?”CHAPTERTENRosie
“Soyouheardallofthat,huh?”
Iknewhehad,andIglancedinembarrassmentatthehair-thinspacethatseparatedourknees.
“Ithinkthewholeneighborhooddid;youwerehavingaveryloudconversationwiththewindowwideopen.”
Icoveredmyfacewithmyhands.“Great.”
Ifeltwhathadtobehisfingersgentlywraparoundmyrightwrist.Abreathgotstuckinmythroatattheunexpectedcontact.Hepulledsoftly,tinglesspreadingdownmyarm,andI…well,Icouldn’tdoanythingbutlethimretrievethatonehandoffmyface.
Igavehimaone-eyedappraisal.
“I’mgoingtobehonest,Rosie.”Hewentformyotherwrist,andwhenIresistedalittle,thesmallsmilethathadbeenplayingonhisfacewidened,dazzlingmeenoughtolethimtakethatotherhanddown.Ugh,stupid,stupidbeautifulsmile.“Imighthaveaccidentallylistenedtoafairchunkofitfromthestreet.ButwhenIsprintedupstairsandstoodoutsidethedoortolistentotherest,Ididsocompletelyintentionally.”
“Okay,”Iansweredslowly,bringingmyhandstomylap.“Thanksforyourhonesty.”
BecausewhatwasIsupposedtosay?Forsomereason,Iwasn’tevenmadaboutit.Iwas…manythings.Butmadwasn’toneofthem.
“Ilikeyou,Rosie,”Lucassaid,andmyhearttrippedatthewords.“Ithinkit’sprettyobvious.”Hegavemeanunapologeticshrug,thedrumminginmychestresumingatanincreasingpace.“Butyoubelievingthatyou’reafailure?Justbecauseyouhavewriter’sblock?Ididn’tlikethat.Notonebit.Andasyourfriend,I’mgoingtotellyou,justlikemycousindid.”
Asyourfriend.
Becausehelikedmeasafriend.Ofcourse,Iknewthat.Thatwasn’tnewinformation.
Hecontinued,“Andasyourfriend,Ialsowanttohelp.Mycousinisnothere,soIcouldtakeoverforher.Beyourbestie?”
Mybestie.Thatsoundedequalpartswonderfulandstomach-turning.Isighed.“Okay?”
Lucasinchedforwardthetiniestbit.“Linasaidyou’veswornoffmen.Anddatingapps.”Hisexpressionturnedserious.“Why?”
Ishookmyhead,feelingthetipsofmyearsburn.“Idon’tthinkIwanttotakeawalkdownMemoryLane:DepressingDatingEditionwithyou,Lucas,”Imuttered.
“I’mtryingtounderstand.I’matacleardisadvantagehere.I’mmissingallthesepiecesofRosiethatLinahas.”Heshiftedtotheveryedgeofthecoffeetable,theinsideofhiskneesnowtouchingtheoutsideofmine.Iswallowed.“AndI’mamanwhohasdated.Plenty.Idon’tscareeasily.”
Thatplentyhe’ddroppedsocasuallysparkedmycuriosity.Fine,itdidmorethanthat.Italsodidateeny-tinybitofjealousy.“So…you’relikeadatingexpertorsomething?”
Hetiltedhishead,thinkingofhisanswer.“Iwouldn’tsayanexpert,butnowomanhasevercomplained.”
Washeaserialdater,then?Hiswordsfromafewdaysagocamebacktome.Togetherwithanewflareofjealousy.“Ithoughtyoudidn’tdateanymore.”
Lucashadalsosaidthatnoonehadeverbrokenhisheart,butIkeptthatremarkformyself.
“Youhavegoodmemory,RosalynGraham,”headmitted.“Andno,Idon’tdate.I’mnotinthemarketforthat.Ican’tbe.”
Iwantedtodigdeeper.Askhimwhy.“So,you’readatingexpertthatdoesn’tdate.”
“Ifthat’swhatyouwanttohear,thenIam.”
No,itwasn’twhatIwantedtohear.Butwhatdidthatmatter?
Sighing,Ipulledbothmylegsup,foldingthemundermeandseveringthelightcontactofLucas’sknees.“Idon’tevenknowwheretostartwithmyhistory.”
Lucasdraggedoneofhisfeetup,too,restingitonthesideofthecouch,rightbesidemythighandsomehowcomingcloser.“AssfaceNumberFive,”heofferedwithaseriousexpression.“Youcanstarttellingmeabouthim.Fullname?Address?Dateofbirth?Justforreference.”
“Ha.”Ishothimalook.“Ted,nolastname,locationanddateofbirthunknown.”IignoredLucas’sfrownandasked,“Whatelsedoyouwanttoknow?Whatwentwrong?”
Henodded.
“Ifyouareintothatkindofboringstuff…”Ijoked,buthedidn’tevensmile.“Okay,soTedandIdatedfor…afewweeksgiveortake.”Six,tobeexact.“I’dalwaysbeenveryclearaboutusbeingexclusive,notseeingotherpeoplebecauseIjust…”Ishookmyhead.“It’showIam.Heagreed,toldmehedidn’twanttoshareme,either.Then,oneday,bypurechance,Isawhimattachedtosomeoneelse’slips.WhenIconfrontedhim,hepretendedhedidn’tknowme.”Andthathadstunglikeabee.“ThecompletetoolmadesuchascenethatIevendoubtedmyselfforasecond,thinkingIhadthewrongguy.Butnope,itwasTed.Andhe’dbeendatingthatgirllongerthanme.”
Lucasstaredatme,remainingoddlyquiet.
Ifilledinthesilence.“So,yeah,thatwasTed.AssfaceNumberFive.”Ileanedbackonthecouch,makingmyselfmorecomfortablewhileIwaitedforhimtosaysomething,anything.Hedidn’t.“It’sokay.Itonlytookmeacoupledaystogetoverhim.Hewasn’teventheworst.”
Eyebrowsup,Lucassaidveryslowly,“There’sworsethanhim.”
Irealizedithadn’tbeenaquestion,butIansweredanyway.“Nathan.YourcousincallshimtheKingofAssfaces.”Ishifted,bringingmykneesupandhuggingthemtomychest.AndbecauseIseemedtohavenobrain-to-mouthfilter,Itoldhimabouthim,too.“Hewasascreenplaywriter.Funny,witty,charming.OurfirstdatewasprobablythebestfirstdateIeverhad,andthatshouldhavebeenaredflagconsideringheshowedupdrunk.”
Lucasflinched,hislipspressingintoatightline.
Icontinued,“Heexcusedhimselfsayinghe’dhadtheworstdayatworkanddownedacouplebeersbeforeourdate.Toldmethathehadn’twantedtocancelonmebecausehelikedmesomuch.”Andifanything,Nathanhadbeenconvincing.“Anyway,allthedatesthatfollowedthatonewere…justlikedatingmultiplemenatthesametime.He’dbehischarming,perfectselfandthenaswitchwouldbeflipped,andhe’dturnintosomeonecompletelydifferent.Iwouldn’tknowifI’dgetsomeoneweird,moody,orjust…crazy.”
AmuscleinLucas’sjawjumped.“Didheever—”
“No,”Istoppedhim.“Itwasneverlikethat.Heneverlaidahandonme.Itwasmoreaboutthingshe’dsayorthewayhe’dactduringadate.”Stuffstraightoutofcomedysketches.Bizarre.“Buthe’dalwaysapologizeafter,tellmeitwasnervesmakinghimactstrangebecausehewascrazyaboutme.”Andsillyna?vemebelievedhimeverysingletime.“Anyway.”Ilaughedtomakelightofthesuckyexperience.“Tosumitup,itturnedouthehadbeentestingstuffonme.Scenes.Forthescreenplayhe’dbeenworkingon.”
LucassatsostillIcouldbarelyseehischestmoving.Ididn’teventhinkhe’dblinkedforaminuteortwo.
Iavertedmyeyes,lettingthemrestonmytoes.“Itoldyouitwasdepressingstuff,Lucas.”
“ThisNathan,”hesaid,ignoringmylastcomment.“Howlonguntilyoulefthim?”
Wigglingmytoesinsidemysocks,Imadesuretokeepmyeyesthere.“Oh.IguessIdidn’t…exactlyleavehim?”IswallowedmyembarrassmentwithasmuchdignityasIcould.BecauseIshouldhave,Ireallyshouldhaveterminatedthatrelationshipondateone.“Hewastheonethatbrokethingsoff.Therevealwashisbigplottwist.”
Lucasdidn’tspeak.Notaword.AndI…God,whatintheworldwasIdoing?WhywasItellinghimallofthis?Wecouldbefriendswithoutmerevealingstuffthatdidn’texactlyreflectwellonme.
“Andthat’senoughofarundownfortoday,friend.”Ifinallymethisgaze,findinghimwithanexpressionthatIdecidedtoignore.“That’swhyIsworeoffmenanddatingapps.”Thatmuchwastrue.Afterthattrailoffailedpseudo-relationships,Idecidedtotakeabreakfrom…real-lifeloveandfocusonthefictionalkind.“Linamightberight,though.MaybeallIneedistogooutandexperimentwithdatingagain.Andbygoingout,IguessImeanre-downloadingTinder.”
Hisforeheadfurrowedinastrangeway.
Ifelttheneedtofillinthesilenceagain.“It’sfarfromidealbutIcan’taffordorthinkofanythingelse.”Istartedfidgetingwithmyfingers,soIdecidedtositonthem.“IcouldprepareachecklistwithallthethingsIneedtotakehomefromthis…research,likeLinasaid.Anexperiment.So,I’llpickamanandgothroughthemotions.Thephasesofdating.Thenaturalarcofgettingtoknowsomeoneemotionally,fromfunorbasicthingslikegettingflowersorexperiencingthebutterfliesofgoingonafirstdate,tothemore…advancedstuff.Likethatfirstbrushofhishandagainstmine.OrwhenheleansforwardandIknowhe’s—”Istoppedmyself,noticingthatIwasrambling.“Anyways.”
Ieyedthemaninfrontofmeagain,waiteduntilafewmoresecondspassed
“Ehm…”Itrailedoff,wonderingifIshouldmaybenudgehimwithmyfinger,checkifhewasokay.“IthinkwehadoneorfiveCronutstoomany.Canyoufeelthetipsofyourfingerstingling?Coldsweats?MaybeIshouldgetyouaglassofwater.”
I’dshiftedbyabouthalfaninchwhenLucas’shandshotinmydirection.Hispalmfellonmyknee,andIlookeddownjustashesaid,“No.”
Mybrowsrose.“Notowater?”Igawkedatthatwarmandheavypalmasitheatedtheskinthroughmyjeans,feelingthetiniestbitbreathless.“Wouldyoulikeaglassofmilk?”
“No,Rosie,”herepeatedwithadeterminationthatmademelookupashisfingerssqueezedmythighsoftly.“I’lldoit.”
Blinking,processing,Imentallyrecapped,searchingforwhateverhecouldpossiblybeofferingtodo.“You’ll…getmeflowers?”IaskedasIfelthishandliftoffmyleg.Isaggedback,alittlerelievedthatnowIcouldthinkmoreclearly.“Idon’tthinkI’veevergottenflowersfromanymanIdated,but—”
Heshookhisheadandsomethingthatwasn’treallyalaughlefthim.“No,I’llbeyourexperimentpartner.”
Mybreathcaughtinmythroat.Mystupidcrush—theoneItriedsohardtopretendwasn’treal—startedbangingagainstthebarsofthecageIhadshoveditin.
Silence,Icommandedtheloudscreaminginmyhead.Hehassaidwearefriends.Numeroustimes.
Itriedtosummonasmileandfailed.“You’llbemyexperimentpartner?”
Henodded,returningtohiseasygoingself.“It’sperfectifyouthinkaboutit.”Perfect?Inallhonesty,Iwashavingahardtimehearingmyownthoughtsthroughthethrumminginmytemples.“Youwon’thavetodownloadTinderorwhateverappthose”—atinygrimacecurledhislips—“mencamefrom.”
Iopenedmymouth,butnothingcameout.
Lucascontinued,“Itsimplifieseverything.”
Thefollowingtwowordsleftmylipsinabreath.“Whatdoes?”
“Me,you,usdoingthis,”heansweredwithaconfidencethathadmewonderingifhereallywasridingasugarhigh.OrmaybeIwas.BecausewasLucasMartínreallysuggestingwedate—experimentally—inhopesIcouldfindmywritingmuse?“Yousaidyou’dpickamanandgothroughthemotions,”hepointedout.“Wereyouplanningtotellthelittleguyabouttheexperiment?Thephases?Thenaturalarcofconnectingwithsomeone?”
“You…”Iswallowed.“Youwerelistening.”
HesmiledandIcouldn’tmisshowsmughelookedinthismoment.“You’renottheonlyonewithgoodmemory,RosalynGraham.”Somethingseemedtooccurtohim.“Younevertoldmeyourpenname,bytheway.”
“RosalynSage,”Iansweredwithoutthinking.
Lucas’seyesnarrowedasminegrewinsizewithrealization.“Holdon,”hemuttered.
Ohcrap.
“YouaretheRosalynSage?”HismouthformedanO,andeventhoughitwastheworstpossiblemoment,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkhowmuchIlikedhislips.Theywerefull.Masculine.“You’retheRosalynSagewhosebookI’vebeenhearingmysisteryellaboutnonstopformonths?ThebookthatisapermanentfixtureonCharo’scoffeetable?You—”Hestoppedhimself.
“Yep.”Isighed.“That’sme.”
Agrinsplithisfaceslowly,hislipsstretchinginthisgrandandmagnificentway,asifMoseshimselfwaspartingtheRedSea.
WithallthemightIcouldsummon,Irippedmygazeoffhisface.“Anyway,Ihadn’tworkedoutthedetailsyet,soIdidn’treallyknowifIwasgoingtobeoutrighthonestorjust,Idon’tknow,gowiththeflowandhopeforthebest.”Ifrownedathowimpracticalallofthissounded.How…dishonest.“Iwouldn’twantanyonetogethurtiftheyfoundoutIwasusingthem,though.”
“EnterLucas,”hequipped.
Ilookedup,findinghisMosesgrinstaringrightbackatme.Thatsmilewasso…confident.Reassuring.Comforting.Likeasafetynet,justthere,justincaseyoufell.“Lucas…”Itrailedoff,questioningmyownsanityforactuallyconsideringhisoffer.“Youdon’tdate.You’renotinthemarketforthat.Yousaidsoyourself.”
“Thisisnotdating;it’sexperimentaldating.”
“Thisis…”Thiswasmadness.
Itisn’t,agreedyandrecklessvoicecounteredinmyhead.It’sachancetogetclosertohimwithoutneedinganexcuseBeforeheleavesforgood.
No.
Ineededtobereasonable.“You’llbeinNewYorkonlyforafewweeks,”Ipointedout.Sixtobeexact.“Iwouldn’twantyoutospendyourtimedoingthisinsteadofwhateveryouhadplanned.”
Lucaslookeddownathishandsforafewseconds,thenbackatme.“Thatwon’tbeanissue,Rosie.”
Itiltedmyhead,watchinghimcloselyandcatchingoneofthoseshadowscrossinghisexpression.“Don’tyouwanttocontinueexploringthecity?”
“No.”Ashakeofhishead.“I’mgoingtobehonestwithyou,Rosie,”andthewayhisvoicedroppedhadmeholdingmybreathsoIwouldn’tmissaword.“I’vebeentravelingaloneforsixweeks.Bychoice,becauseitwassomethingIthoughtIneeded.Butithas…backfiredinawayIwasn’texpecting.Iwasn’tlyingwhenItoldyouIwasfeelinglonely.”Heshruggedashoulderasifitwasnobigdeal,asifitdidn’tmakemewanttoreachoutandholdhishand.“So,youcansayIhavemoretimeonmyhandsthanIknowwhattodowith,alone,andI’dwelcomethecompany.AndIknowyou’venoticed,but”—hepattedhisrightthigh—“I’mnotexactlyinthebestshapeforallthiswalkingaround.”
Mygazeshottohishandasitrestedonhisleg.Ithadn’texactlybeenobvious,butI’dnoticedhefavoredhisleftside.Irememberedthatfirstnight,too,whenhenearlyfellover.
Whathappenedtoyou,Lucas?Iwantedtoask.
ButIdidn’t,becausesomethingtoldmethathimopeningupandadmittingthisoutloudwasalready…bigenough.Outoftheordinary.AndIwantedtotreasureit,butaboveall,Iwantedtoshowhimwecoulddothisathisownpace,onhisownterms,andIwouldn’tpryhimopenjustbecauseIwascurious.“So,you’resayingthatIwouldbedoingsomethingforyou,too?Ifweweretobe…experimentpartners?”
“Youwould,Rosie.”Hemetmygaze.“Morethanyouknow.”
Ilikedthat.SomuchthatIfeltatingly,fuzzysensationfillingupmychest.
“Theseexperimentaldatesneedtofeelreal,though.I’mnottalkingabout…kissingorcanoodlingorholdinghands.Butabouteverythingelse.Aboutbeing…romanced.Connecting.Sharingthingsyouwouldinrealdates.”
Hischucklewasdeep.“What’scanoodling?”
“Youknow,getting…close,physically.”Someoftheamusementlefthiseyes,butIignoredthat.“Thatcouldmessupthingsbetweenus.Ourfriendship.”
Lucasdidn’thesitatewhenhesaid,“Thenwe’llbehonestwitheachotherifthateverhappens.”
Honestwitheachother.
Honestlikeoneofthepartiesconfessingtohavingharboredacrushontheother?
StrikeoneforRosie.
Lucasleanedforward,awhiffofhissoapy,cleanscenthittingmestraightinthegut.“I’lltellyouwhat,”hesaid,andIswallowed.Mostlybecausehewasnowmuch,muchcloser.Rightontheedgeofthecoffeetable,hislonglegscagingmein.“IpromiseyouthatIwon’tletthisinterferewithourfriendship.”Hemovedanotherinchforward.“You’lltellmeallaboutthosedatingphasesyouneedtoexperience,we’llgoonthedates,bethebestexperimentpartnerswecanbe,andattheendoftheday,whenwecomebackhome,we’llbeRosieandLucas.Roommates.Friends.Soonenough,bestfriends.”
“Bestfriends?”Icroaked.
“Yeah.”Henodded,thenrepeated,thatdeep,musicalvoiceofhisenunciatingthewords,“Bestfriends.”
Clearlydazzledbyhisscent,hiswords,thewayhisbrowneyesseemedtotwinkleupclose,Ididn’tsayanything
ThatwasprobablywhyLucasfelttheneedtoadd,“Andifyou’restillonthefence,Icanpromiseyousomething.”Apause.“IpromiseIwillnotfallinlovewithyouandmakethingsawkward,RosalynSage.”
Iswallowed,givingmyselftime,becauseIhadnoreasonwhatsoevertofeelthis…heartbrokenoverthatvow.
Infact,Ihadnoreasonwhatsoevertofeelanythingbutexcited.Lucaswasofferingtohelpme.AndwhetherIdidthiswithhimornot,attheendofthenextfiveweeks,hewasleaving.Eitherway.Toadifferentcontinent.Andtwoweeksafterthat,Ineededtohandovermymanuscript.
So,whatdidIhavetolose?
“Allright,”Isaid.“Let’sdoit.”
HeflashedmeoneofthosesmilesIdidn’tknowwhattodowith.
“Fourdates—experimentaldates,”Icorrectedmyselfandstuckmyhandinfrontofmetobeextrasafe.“Fivewouldbe…toomanyifyou’restayinghereforonlyfivemoreweeks.Andthreewouldn’tbeenough.So,four.”
“Fourdatesitis,”heagreed,unfoldinghislongbodyandcomingtoastandingpositioninfrontofme.“So,Iguesswe’reresearchpartnersnow.Experimentbuddies.Field…workers?You’rethemastermind.”
Ilaughed,anditcameoutchoppyandhelpless.ExactlyhowIfelt.“AllIdolatelyisstrikebizarredealswithyou.”
“Bizarre?”HehuffeddramaticallyasheofferedahandIdidn’ttake.“Youwoundme,Rosie.AllIhaveareamazingideas.”
“We’llhavetodrawlines.Terms,”Isaidmoreformyselfthanforhim.“LikewhatI’vementionedearlier.Nomatterwhat,nothingchanges.Noawkwardness.”Youheardthat,crazysillycrush?Don’tmakeitawkward.“Andyoudon’tgoaroundspendingunnecessarymoneyonme.I’mcheapandlowmaintenance.Wealwayssplitthebill.”
“Icangetonboardwithsomeofthoserules.”Thathandstilldangledintheair,fingersIknewwerewarmandstrongwigglinginfrontofme.“Butyou’llhavetotrustmeontherest.”
Oh,LucasItrustedfully.
Me?Notsomuch.“Okaybut—”
Lucassnatchedmebythewristandpulledmeup.AndstraightintohischestforwhatIknewwouldbeaLucasMartínfull-bodyhug.
“We’llshakeonitwithahug,Graham,”hesaid,wrappinghisarmsaroundmyshouldersandsqueezingmeagainsthim,andboy,Iwishedsomeonewouldcomeupwithawaytobottletheseup.I’dbuythemall.Stackmycabinetswiththemandsavethemforabadday.Oranyday.“Doyoulikecapers?”
Caughtoffguard,Iletoutalaughagainstthefabricofhissweatshirtandasked,“Capers?”
Hereleasedmefromhisarmsandtookastepbackward,oncemoreleavingmetodealwiththeeffectsofoneofhishugattacks.“Allthisplottingmademereallyhungry.”
BeforeIcouldtellhimhowridiculousthatwasafterhe’djustatehalfaboxofCronuts,heshotinthedirectionofthekitchen.Hestartedpullingthingsoutofthefridge.Thenwentforthepantry.Thepandrawer.
Helookedatmeoverhisshoulder.“Helpmewithdinner.”
Iwalkedovertotheislandandploppeddownonastool.“Ifbyhelping,youmeanwatching?”
Hehummedinappreciation.“Oh,Ilovehavinganaudience.”
“So,whatarewecooking?”Mygazefastenedtothemusclesonhisbackashepulledoutachoppingboard.
“Auberginelasagna.”Heturned,flashingmeagrinoverhisshoulder.“AndIwanttoprepthedoughforarusticciabatta.Fortomorrow.”
OhLord.Lucaskneadingdough?
Hepressed,distractingmefrommythoughts:“Sowhatdoyousayaboutthosecapers,then?”
“Lovethem.”
Hiseyeslitup.“That’smygirl.”
That’smygirl.
Ah,crap.CHAPTERELEVENRosie
Oneweek.
IthadbeensevendayssinceweagreedtobepartnersinthisdatingexperimentandbesidesmystomachfloppingeverytimeIthoughtaboutit,nothinghadhappened.Asin,noexperimentaldateshadtakenplace,nomusehadbeenrediscovered,andnowordcounthadincreased.Granted,IhadneededacoupledaystocomeupwiththedatingphasesItoldLucasI’dprovidehimwith.TogetherwithacoupleofpagesofnotesthatcontainedanythingelseIcouldthinkofthatmighthelp.
WhenI’dfinallyhandedhimeverything,Lucashadsmiledhismegawattgrin,shovedmynotesinsidehisbag,andtoldmehewouldstudythematerial.
God,thewholethingwassoclinicalIoftenfoundmyselfbattlingbetweenwantingtolaughhystericallyandscreamwarningafterwarningatmyself.BecausewhatintheworldwasIdoing?ThemanIhadsecretlydaydreamedaboutforoverayearwasabouttotakemeon“experimental’datesI’dsortofdesigned.Andthen,he’dpackhisbagsandleavethecontinent.
Myhearthadhadenoughofgettingthroughthedaynowthatwewerelivingtogether.IthadhadenoughofnottopplingoutmymoutheverysingletimeLucasstrolledoutofthebathroominnothingbutatowelandanarmyofdropletsdanglingoffhisskin.Ithadhadenoughofnotthrummingstraightoutofmychestatthesightofhimturningaround—stillinthatgoddamntowel—andmakingthemusclesthatlinedhisneck,shoulders,andbackdancewhenheliftedhisbackpack.Myweak,sillyhearthadhadenoughoffightingtheurgetofallatmyfeetwheneveryeveninghewasbackwithabagofgroceriesandadashingsmileandheaskedme“Howmanywordstoday,Rosie?”asheunpackedeverythingandgotstartedwithdinner.
Andthatlastpartinparticular?Tookalottosurvive.
BecauseLucascooking?Lucasatthestove?Itwaslikehavingafirst-rowtickettoashowdesignedtofulfillsexualfantasiesIdidn’tknowIhad.LiketheMagicMikeofDoughsandPans.Lucascouldbekneadingbreadandmysadandneglectedladypartswouldriotatthesightofhisfingerspressingandstrokingthesmoothsurface,workingthemixwithadiligenceandironhandthathadmesweatingandshiftingonthestool.HecouldbeflippinganomeletandI’dsighinlongingatthewayhisbicepsflexed.
Ugh.Andtomakethingsworse—harderformyweak,sillyheartandladyparts—theresult,Lucas’sfood,wasbrilliant,incredible,amazing,showstopping,andalltherestofLadyGaga’ssuperlatives.
SomyheartandIhadhadenough.
Myphonepingedwithatext,shakingmeoffmyLucas-inducedthoughts.Ireachedacrosstheisland,whereIsetcampeverydaytowork,andunlockedit.
Unknown:Datenight,today.6pm?
Ignoringtheflutteratthewordsdatenight,Irereadthemessageacoupleoftimes.
IthadtobeLucas.Therewasnooneelsewhowouldsendmeatextaboutadate.Butthenagain,itwouldn’tbethefirsttimeIgotanaccidentalmessage,either.
Rosie:Who’sthis?
Unknown:Lucas.
Unknown:Areyouwaitingforsomebodyelsetotakeyouout?
Unknown:IthoughtIwasyouronlyone
“Ifonlyyouknew,”Imutteredundermybreath,savinghisnumberwhiletryingtocomeupwithareplythatwouldn’texposeme.
Rosie:fine,we’llbeexperimentallyexclusive
Lucas:weweren’t?
Shakingmyhead,Idecidedtocuttothechaseandanswerhisinitialquestion.
Rosie:6pmsoundsgood.Thanks!
Iwasgoingtoaskhowhe’dgottenmynumber—honestly,itwasalittlestrangehehadn’thadit,consideringwe’dbeenlivingtogetherforoveraweek—buttheexplanationlandedinmyinboxinatrailoftextsfrommybestfriendbeforeIevenhitSend.
Lina:Heybestie!JustarrivedinTrujillo.HowisNYC?
Lina:Sorryfortheradiosilence,wewerehikingandoutofreception.
Lina:BTWIforgottomentionthatmycousinwouldbevisitingforthenextfewweeks.He’sstayingatmyplace.
Lina:Okay,fine.Ididn’tforget,Imessedupthedatesandthoughthewasarrivingtoday.Isuck.Istillhaveweddingbrain.
Lina:Anyways,Igavehimyournumber.ONLYforemergencies,’kay?Don’tfeelobligatedtowasteyourtimeonhim.He’sagrownman.
Lina:ifhetextsyouwithunimportantshit,tellhimtogoogleit.
Guiltlodgeditselfdeepinmystomach.Linadidn’tknowabouttheroomingarrangementLucasandIhad.Inherapartment.Nordidsheknowaboutournewlyestablishedexperiment.
God,Ireallyneededtostoplyingbyomissiontoeverysinglepersoninmylife.
Anothertextnotificationpoppedup.
Lucas:checkthisout.
Tappingonhisconversation,animageopenedonmyscreen.
AselfieofLucaswearinganINYCbluecap.Hissmilewaslopsided,smug,andIcouldseetheEmpireStateBuildingnearbyinthebackground.
Myribcagesqueezed,feelingalittletootightallofasudden.
Rosie:livingthefulltouristexperience.
Rosie:Ilovethecap!
Ididn’tjustloveit.IloveditsomuchthatbeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,thephotowassavedtomygallery.
Rosie:Linajusttextedme.Shesaidsheconfusedthedatesandthoughtyouweregettingheretoday.
Rosie:shealsomentionedshegaveyoumynumber.
Rosie:Foremergencies.
IwasworkingoutawaytotellLucasthatweshouldprobablytellheraboutthecurrentsituation,buthisincomingtextdisruptedmytrainofthought,derailingwhateverintentionIhadtoconfess.Itwasanotherselfie,thisonefromananglethatshowedthatwideandstrongupperbodyIhadogledmorethanonceortwice,andhewaslookingdownatthecamera.Hiscrookedsmilehadbeenpromotedtoafull-fledgedgrinandtheearlierflutterinmystomachhadnochoicebuttorevel,pullingoutthebiggunsandturningintoariot.
Lucas:lookingthisgoodandnothavinganyonearoundtoshareitwithwasanemergency,Graham.
Hewasn’twrong.Hedidlookgood.Emergency-good,good.
Andhe’sashamelessflirt,too,Iremindedmyself.Rememberhiswords:Nowomanhasevercomplained?
IrolledmyeyesatmyselfbecauseIreallyhadnobusinessfeelingbitterorjealous.
Rosie:HiLucas’sego.Nicetofinallymeetyou.
Lucas:Hesayshiback.
Thethreedotsjumpedonthescreenforafewseconds,makingmebitemylipinanticipation.Then,onelastmessagecame.
Lucas:I’llletyougetbacktowork.Bereadyatsix.Seeyoulater,roomie.
Roomie
I’dtellLinaaboutthis.Iwould.ThemomentsheandAaronlandedonUSsoil,I’dtellhereverything.
Laterintheafternoon,atexactly5:45p.m.,IhadjustslippedintomyfavoritepairofjeanswhenIheardaknock.
“Onesec!”Icalled,zippingthemupasIsprintedthroughtheapartmentbarefoot.“I’llberightthere!”
Throwingthedooropen,IwasnotexpectingtofindLucascasuallyleaningagainsttheframe.
“Lucas,”Isaidalittletoobreathlessly,beforesteppingback.“Didyouforgetyourkeysthismorning?”
Hestraightened.Andboy,Idon’tknowwhatwasabouthiminthatmoment,butheseemedlargerthanusual.Bulkier,taller.ButbeforeIcouldprocessthat,hetookthesmalleststepforwardandlethisgazetraildownmybody,slowly,inawayIhadtroubleprocessing
Whoa,what…wasthat?
Aslowsmilebenthismouth.“Nope,”hesaid.Nope.Nopetowhat?Whatthehellhadbeenmyquestion?“Youlookverynice,Rosie.Beautiful.”
Verynice.Beautiful
Ithoughtmylipsbobbed,openingandclosinginsomestrangefish-likemanner.“Thanks,”Ifinallymumbled.AndthenIfelttheneedtopointout,“Thesearemyfavoritejeans.”
Welookeddownatthesametime.
AndwhenLucas’sgazereturnedtomyfaceabeatlater,thatgrinhadsomehowstretched.“Ithinktheymightbemyfavorite,too.”
Moreofthatfishbobbingtookplace,butthistimeIrecoveredfaster.“Good.”
I’drecoveredfaster,butclearly,notbetter.
“So…”Lucasbegan,hisexpressionturningserious.“Areyougoingtoinvitemein,Rosie?”
Icockedabrow.“Youlivehere.”
Amusemententeredhisgazebutherepeated,inthatcommandingyetgentletonehe’donlyusedoncearoundme,“Invitemein,Rosie.”
Somethingtuggedatmystomach.“Wouldyou…liketocomein,Lucas?”
“Iwouldloveto,”hesaidquickly,firmly.Andthen,onlythen,didhestepinsidetheapartment.
Iwalkeduptothebed,satontheedge,andbusiedmyselfwiththeshoesI’dsetapartfortonight.Theywerehighheels.Bluevelvet.Anothertreasurediteminmycloset—or,well,suitcase
Istrappedthemonquicklyandstoodup,comingtoastopwhenIfoundLucas’seyestraineddownonmyfeet.
“Doyouthinktheseareokay?”Iaskedbecausehewasstudyingthemwithsuchraptattention.“YouneversaidwhatweweredoingandIdidn’taskso…”
Hedidn’thesitatewhenheanswered,“They’reperfect.”
“Okay,good.That’sgood,”Imurmured.
Butwasit?WiththisintensewayLucashadbeenlookingatme,Icouldn’ttell,Icouldn’tdecidewhetherthiswasgoodorbad.Inspiringordistracting.Exhilaratingoroverwhelming.Realor…experimental.
Myheadswarmedwiththoughts,questions,andspeculations,whilethefloppingsensation,theupanddownandupanddown,inmychestcontinued.AndI…“Lucas?”
Hemighthavesensedsomethinginmyvoice,becauseallthatintensitycomingoffhimsoftened.“Yeah?”
“IthinkI’mmessingthisup,”Iconfessed.“I’mmakingthisawkward.IsaidIdidn’twantanyawkwardnessbetweenusandI’malready—”
Hispalmfellonmyshoulder,thetouchbringingmywordstoastop.Hisstrongfingersfeltwarmagainstthethinfabricofmyblouse.Comfortingandthrilling.“Doyoutrustme?”Inodded,andhesmiled.“Then,relax.You’renotmakinganythingawkward.ThisisjustRosieandLucas,DateNight.Phaseoneoftheexperiment.Justlikeweagreed.”
Iswallowed.“Doyouthinkwecantakeabreakforasecond?Be…justus?RosieandLucas,everyotherday,justforafewminutesbeforeweleave?”
“Wecanbeanythingyouneed,”hesaid,hishandremainingexactlywhereitwas.Histhumbnowmovingbackandforth.Andmythoughtsscattered.Becauseofhiswords.Histouch.Dammit.Hetiltedhishead.“Youknow,Ithoughtitwouldbeagoodideatoslipintoitrightaway,”headmitted,thatthumbnowtrailingalongmycollarboneandleavingapathoftinglesbehind.“Knockonthedoor,haveyouinvitemein,butmaybeI’mrustierthanIthought.So,Ihopeyoudon’tfiremejustyet,Ro.”
Ro.
Thatwasnew.
Ilikedit.Lovedit.Alot.
Whichwasbad.Realbad.Ishookmyhead,tryingtofocus,readytotellhimjusthownotrustyhewasbasedonhowhe’daffectedme,buthishandleftmyshoulder,andtheabsenceofhistouchdistractedme.
Heslippedhishandintothepocketofhisbomberjacket.“IguessthisisagoodtimetogiveyousomethingIgotyou.It’snothingspecialbut…”Hepulledoutthatnothingspecialandplaceditonmyhead.“Yousaidyoulovedit.”
Hispalmreturnedtomyshoulder,andheturnedmearounduntilwewerebothfacingthelargemirroragainstthewallbehindme.
ItookinourmatchingblueandpinkINYCcapsinourreflection,thinkinghowverywronghewastothinkthiswasn’tsomethingspecial,andIrealizedthatI’dmadeabig,bigmistake.
“Lookatthat,”hesaidashestoodrightbehindme.“Someonecall9-1-1,becausedoublethegood,doubletheemergency.”
Myheartflippedinmychest.No,itmighthavepirouettedstraightoutofit.Whenmylipsparted,andinsteadofwords,onlylaughtercameout.Aneruptionofgiggles.Happy,chaoticgigglesthatreleasedwhatevertensionorawkwardnessIhadbeenfeelingminutesagoandreplaceditwithpure,unfilteredgiddiness.
Andthatrighttherehadbeenmymistake:amiscalculationofwhatIcouldorcouldn’ttake;anoverestimationofmycontrol,ofwhatwouldbeexperimentalorrealtome.Theanswertomyownquestion,whatdidIhavetolosebydoingthis?Turnedout,morethanIthought.Andwehadn’tevengoneonourfirstdateyet.
“Cronutyou,”Itoldhim,usingthecodeforthankyouwe’dagreedon.Becausefriendsdon’tdostuffforfriendsexpectingathank-you,likehe’dsaid.AndIneededthereminder.Wearefriends.Lucasdoesn’tdate.Thisisallresearch
Hissmilefalteredforaninstant,tooquickformetoguesswhyorhow.Andthenhewastakingoffbothhisandmycapandtossingthemonthebed.
“Hey!”Icomplained.
“Break’sover,”hesaid,spinningonhisheelsandthrowingopentheentrancedoor.“Doyouthinkwe’rereadynow,Rosie?”
Rosie,notRo.
Iswallowed,myearlieranticipationandnervesreturning,butdifferent.Bigger,scarier,butmore…manageable,ifthatwasevenpossible.So,Igrabbedmyleatherjacket,threwmyarmsin,andsaid,“Asreadyaswe’lleverbe.”
Afterwalkingafewblocks,Lucasbrokethemostlycomfortablesilence.“Phaseone,”hesaid.“Themeet-cute,asparkofinterest,thesweetanticipationthatleadstothatfirstdate.Firstdatesarelikefirstimpressions:youonlyhaveonechancetomakeitcount.”
Mycheeksflamedathearingmyownwordsonhislips.
Iwasn’texactlyproudofmyselfforlookingatromancethroughthelensofanengineeroraprojectmanager,asI’dbeeninmyjobatInTech.AsifIwasoptimizingaprocess.SettingthesefourpivotalpointsinarelationshipthatIneededtocheckinthehopeofjump-startingmyinspiration.ButIguessedhabitsdiehard,andthiswasanexperimentanyway.Weneededstructure.Efficiency.Aplan.
AndLucashaddefinitelystudiedthematerial,ashe’dpromised.
“Ithinkwehavethemeet-cuteinthebag,”hecontinued.“RememberthewholeyouthinkingIwastryingtobreakinandcallingthecops?”HowcouldIforget.“So,I’vefocusedontherestofphaseone.”
“Thefirstdate.”
“Inmyexperience.”Hereturnedhisgazeforward,checkedastreetsign,andmadeustakeaturn.“Thebestfirstdatesaregoofy.Lighthearted.Alittlesilly.They’reaboutclicking,seeingifyoulaughatthesamejokes,ifthere’sasparktherewhenyoudo,onethaturgesyoutomaketheotherpersonsmileagain.Onethatcouldleadto…more.”
“Ihaveneverexperiencedthatonafirstdate,”Iheardmyselfsaying.
Lucas’svoicedroppedwhenhespoke.“AndI’mgoingtofixthat.”
Ilookeddownatmyfeet.“Maybeitshouldbeyouwritingaromancenovel.”Itriedtojoke.“Wecouldlookforanicepennameforyou,too.”
Hischuckleranginmyears,andIsmiledinresponse.“I’veneverbeengoodwithmywords,Rosie.”Hecametoastop,hishandbrushingmyelbow.AndonlywhenIturnedandmethisgaze,headded,“ButImakeupforitwithmyhands.”
Ithoughtmyjawfellopen,allkindsofimages—involvingLucas’shands—invadingmymind.Andnoneofthemhadanythingtodowithhimkneadingdough.Ordoingorigami.
BeforeIcouldsayanything,Lucaswasspreadinghisarmsandgesturingatthestorebehindhim.“We’rehere.”
Myeyesjumpedtothesignhangingabovethedoor,andtherewasnopointindenyingmyvoicecameoutalittlerockywhenIsaid,“Arecordstore.”
Heopenedthefrontdoorformewithaflourish.“Beautybeforeage.”
Ignoringhowthatcommentdidn’tmakethingsexactlyeasierforme,Iwalkedin,thecharacteristicscentofvinylandcardboardtriggeringasuccessionofmemories.
BeforeOllywasbornandourmotherleft,Dadwouldtakemetoshopslikethisone.AdifferentoneeverySaturdaymorning.We’dbrowserecordsforhours,eachofuspickingourfavoritecover,theonewe’dthoughtwastheweirdestoreventheonewedeemedtheugliest.We’dneverbuyanything,though,buteventhatway,ithadalwaysbeensomethingIlookedforwardto.
Makingmywayinsidewithmyheadstuckinthepast,Iwasn’tawareofLucastrailingclosebehindmeuntilheplacedbothhandsonmyshoulders.Forthesecondtimetoday,Imentallynoted.
Hepushedmeforwardgently,leisurely,movingusfartherin.IfelthisbreathonmytemplebeforeIheardhiswords.“Youokay?”
“Iwasn’texpectingthis,”Iansweredhonestly.
“Inagoodorabadway?”
Ilookedathimovermyshoulder.“Agoodway,definitelyagoodway.”
Thatearnedmeoneofhisslowsmiles.“Good,”hesaidbeforewalkingaroundme.“Becausewe’rehereonamission.”
Lettingmyhandmoveaboveastackofrecords,Icouldn’tignoretherushofanticipationathiswords.“Amission?”
Lucaspinnedmewithanall-businesslook.“You”—hepointedafingeratme—“aregoingtopickarecord.Anyrecordyouwant.AndI’llbuyitforyou.”
Ifrowned,buthewavedthatpointerfinger,stoppingme.
“Mydate,myrules,”hesaid,andIrolledmyeyes.“You’llpickarecord,butpickwisely,becausewhateveryouchoosewillbeoursoundtrack.”
Mythroatseemedtogoinstantlydry.“Oursoundtrack?”
Henodded.“LucasandRosie’sSoundtrack.”
Ohboy.Ohman.
Acheer,loudandchaotic,eruptedbetweenmytemples.
LucasandRosie’ssoundtrack.
“That’s…”Itrailedoff,busyingmyselfpullingarandomvinylfromabox,justsoIcouldtakeadeepbreathandnotlookaselatedasIfeltattheidea.“That’s…kindofcheesy.”AndIlovedit.Ireally,seriously,thoroughlylovedit.
“Cheesy?”herasped.
Imovedontothenextcrate,myfingersgrazingtheedgeofarecord,andI’dneverknowwhattheheckcameoverme,buttheneedtoteasehimoveritoverwhelmedme.“Yeah,it’salittlecheesy.Butcute,Ithink.Iguessthatafterthatonelineaboutmefallingoutofheavenorsomething,Ishouldn’tbesurprised.”Iglancedathimovermyshoulder.“Maybeyou’rejustalittlecheesy.”
Lucasnarrowedhiseyesatme,hisexpressionmorphing.“Yourememberthatline.Ofcourseyoudo,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.
“Hardtoforgetsomethinglikethat,”Isaid.
HisexpressionmorphedandbeforeIknewwhatwashappening,hewasmoving.
Somehow,inwhatseemedtheninjaversionofoneofhishugattacks,hisarmwrappedaroundmyshouldersandhetuckedmetohisside.ThefirstthingIfeltwashismintybreathonmycheek,thenthelineofourbodiespressingtogether.Him,solidandwarm.Me,nothingbutbutteratthecontact,moldingmyselftohim.Andthen,hetickledme.
LucasMartínwasticklingme.
Pinchingmyside.
Pullingayelprightoutofme.
“Youmakingfunofme,Rosie?”Hisvoicewaslow,agrumble,andsoclosetomyearIshivered.
Hetickledmeagain,andIbrokeintoafitofgiggles,theskinundermysweatertinglingformanydifferentreasons.
Thetickleattackitselflastedonlyafewmoreseconds.Butwhenheseemedtobedone,Lucasdidn’treleasemefromhishold.Instead,hekeptmerightwhereIwas,gentlylodgedintohischest,mysideagainsthisfront.Andasmylaughterdied,hischincametorestonmyshoulder,bringingourfacessoclosethatIfelt,ratherthanheard,hischuckleonmycheek.
“I’msorry,”IthoughtIsaid,butitcameoutsobreathyIwasn’tevensurehe’dheardit.
“No,you’renot,”hesaid,stillinthatlowgrumble.Hischinmovedthetenthofaninchcloser,myheartpickingup.“Youlikedteasingme,”headded,andhewasn’twrong.“AndIlovedthatyoudid.”
“Oh,”Iletout,togetherwithalltheairinmylungs.“Gladthatwe’reonthesamepage.”
Atthat,hisholdloosenedtheslightestbit,andItookthechancetojumpoutofhisreach,outofpureself-preservation.
Hissmilewasnowheretobefoundforafewseconds,then,thesideofhismouthtippedup.“Gettowork,Rosie.Findusasoundtrack.”
AndhesoundedsobossythatIhadnochoicebuttodoexactlythat.
Afterawhile,Ipulledoutwhatwasprobablythehundredthvinylandinspecteditinmyhands.IglancedoveratLucas.“ThisisharderthanIthought.”
“You’reoverthinkingit,”hepointedout,leaningforwardsohecouldseetherecordIwasholding.“What’swrongwiththatone?Talkmethroughyourthinkingprocess.”
“It’sColdplay,sotechnically,there’snothingwrongwithit.”
Hehummed.“Ifeela‘but’coming.”
“But,IhadmyfirstkisstoaColdplaysong,”Itoldhim,unabletokeepthegrimaceoffmyface.
“Whatthehelldidhedo?”
IpretendedIwasn’tsurprisedbyhisassumption.“HowdoyouknowIwasn’ttheonewhomesseditup?”
“Ijustdo,”hesaidwithsomuchconfidencemygazereturnedtohisface.Hesmirked.“So?Whathappened?”
“InJakeJagielski’sdefense,hehadn’tknownsomeonehadspikedthepunch.”
“Ohno.”
Isighed,becauseohnoindeed.“Promnight.Jakehadbeentryingtokissmethewholenight,andI’dbeendyingforhimtofinallydoit.”Ichuckledatthememoryofusdancingwithalmostthreefeetofspacebetweenourbodies.“He’dbeensonervous,though.He’dforgottenmycorsage,histiewasallcrooked,andhispalmsweresweatyonmyshoulders.”
“Ifeelthat.Poorlittleguy.”
“Yougetsweatyhands,too?”
Lucasmadesurehewasmeetingmygazewhenhesaid,“IwouldifIwastryingtoworkupthecouragetokissagirllikeyou.”
Istaredathim,myheadspinningwiththepossibility.ThethoughtofLucas’slipsonmine.Ofhismouthmovingagainstmine.Wouldhereallybenervous?Washisadmission…true?
Thisisexperimentalflirting,Iremindedmyself.
Iclearedmythroat.“So,anyway.Weweredancing,spinninginslowcircles,songaftersongaftersong.‘SpeedofSound’comestoanend,Jakeleansforwardveryslowly,andIstartthinking,OhmyGod,he’sgoingtodoit.Herecomesmyfirstkiss.Iclosemyeyesandwaitforthatbrushofhislipsagainstmineandthen,boom,theyarethere.Pressingtightlyagainstmymouth.Justapeck.ButIwassoshockedthatIopenedmyeyesjustintimetosee…”Itrailedoff,shiveringattherecollectionofwhathappenednext.“Jakerearingbackandhurlingallovermydress.”
Lucas’seyesgrewwide,justashismouthformedabigO.Hewhispered,“No.”
“Ohyes.”
HepluckedtheColdplayalbumfrommyhandsandputitbackintothecrate.“Okay,let’sstayawayfromColdplay.Idon’twantyouthinkingaboutthat.”
Hepulledanewvinyloutandhelditintheair.“WhatabouttheSmiths?”
“Toosad.Remindsmeof(500)DaysofSummer.”
Hefrowned.“Isn’tthatsupposedtobeagoodthing?That’sarom-com,isn’tit?”
Igasped,alittleoutraged.“Thefirstlineofthemovieisliterallyawarningthatit’snotalovestory.”
Lucaschuckledandpickedanotherone.“EltonJohn?”
Isighedandpattedmychest.“Uh,Icouldn’t.”
“Anothersadsoundtrack?”
Mybrowsrose.“CanyouthinkofEltonJohnwithoutthinkingof‘YourSong’?OfMoulinRouge?”
Lucasfrowned.“Wasn’tthata—”
Iturnedmyheadveryslowly.Pinnedhimwithalook.“Themostbeautifulyetheartbreakingmovieevermade?Yes,itwas.”
HedroppedtheEltonJohnrecordbackonitsboxwithasnickerandsomethinginSpanishIdidn’tcatch.
Idecidedtoignorethataswecontinuedbrowsing,somethingoccurringtome.“I’vetoldyouaboutmyfirstkiss.Ithinkit’sonlyfairyoutellmeaboutyours.”
Onecornerofhislipstuggedup.“Myfirstkisswasn’tmemorableinanyway.Goodorbad.”
“Whataboutanyotherfirsts?IfeellikeI’mowedanembarrassingmomentfromyou.”
Hetiltedhishead.“Imighthaveone.Butit’snotnearlyasgoodasyours.”
“Istillwanttohearaboutit.”
LucasthoughtaboutitforsolongthatIthoughthewasn’tgoingtotellme.Butthen,hesaid,“It’sthestoryofthenightIdidn’tlosemyvirginity.”
MyhandcametoahaltjustasIwasliftingarecordoffacrate.
Myjawmighthavedroppedtothefloor.
Istutteredovermywords.Wordsthatwerenotevenleavingmymouth.
Didthatmean…?No.
Impossible.
Itcouldn’tbe.Therewasnoway.
Lucasthrewhisheadbackandletoutalaugh.“Oh,youshouldseeyourfacerightnow.I’mtemptedtotakeapicture,actually.”
OutofthecornerofmyeyeIsawhimpullingouthisphone,andthatsnappedmeoutofit.Ipattedathisarm.“Whatface?Ihavenofacewhatsoever.”
“Oh,youdo.”Heshookhishead,pushingthephonebackinhispocket.“It’sthefaceyoumadewhileyouwonderedwhetherI’mstillavirgin.”
Ilookedaround,checkingforothercustomerscloseby,concernedonLucas’sbehalf.ButLucasdidn’tseemtocare.
Andwhenheleanedforward,andloweredhisvoicetosay,“I’mnot,Rosie.Ilostitalongtimeago.I’mvery,veryfarfrombeingavirgin,”Isomehowknewitwasn’tsopeoplewouldn’toverhear.
Andboy,wasithotinhere?Orwashedoingthatthing,theonewhereheturneduptheintensityandIfeltbreathlessandwarm?
Iwentwiththefirstthingthatcrossedmymindandfist-bumpedhisshoulder.“Goodforyou!”
Amusemententeredhisgaze,buthedidn’tsmileorlaugh.
Irefocusedonmytaskandmovedalongtherowofcrates.“Okay,sowhat’sthestory?I’mintrigued.”
“LorenaNavarro,”Lucassaid,followingclosebehindme.“Shewasmyon-and-offgirlallthroughhighschool.FirstandonlyrelationshipI’vehad.”Myearsperkedupatthatpieceofinformation,pocketingitforlaterinspection.Hecontinued,“MyparentswerevisitingsomefamilywehaveinPortugalfortheweekend,andCharo,beingfiveyearsolderthanme,wasdoingherownthing.So,Ihadthehousetomyself.”
ItriedtoconvincemyselfthatIwasn’tthetiniestbitjealousofthisLorena,evenifshebelongedinLucas’spast.“Yougotherabeautifulbouquet?Litupthewholeplacewithcandles?Putonsomebodyoil?”
Lucasdidadoubletake.“Bodyoil?”
“Someguysareintoit.”Ishrugged.“AssfaceNumberThreebeingone.I—”
“Don’t.”Lucasgrunted.“Idon’twanttohearmoreaboutthoseidiots.”Yep.Thememorywasputtingmeoff,too.Hescratchedthestubbleonhischin.“Iwasn’texactlyrefinedasateenager.MyversionofaromanticnightwasconvincingAbuelatobakemesomethingandgettingthegirlherfavoritegummybears.”
“LuckyLorenaNavarro,”Imutteredundermybreath,meaningeveryword.
Lucascontinued,“Irentedamovie,laidthecakeandthegummiesonthecoffeetable,andsatreally,reallyclosetoher.Bythetimethecreditswererolling,afewpiecesofclothingwereonthefloor,andIwasdoingmything.”Hechuckled.“OrwhatIthoughtwasmythingbackwhenIwasseventeen.”
Holdingmybreath,IwaitedforamentalimageIknewwouldstick.
Lucas’sgrinwasbig,unashamed.“Iwaskneelingonthefloor,betweenLorena’slegs,tryingmybestto…youknow.Makesureshewasenjoyingherself,feelinggood.”Hetippedhisheaddown.AndIknewexactlywherehewaspointing.“AndthenextthingIknowI’mbeingdraggedoutofthehousebytheear.Norecollectionofhow,exceptforthefactthatMamáandAbuelaweresomehowthere.Andtheywerepissed.”
Myhandsflewtomymouth,andGod,Itriedtoholditin,butlaughterescapedthroughmyfingers.
“Youlaugh,butAbuelarefusedtobakeanythingeveragainforme.”Heshookhishead.“Thefollowingday,shethrewanapronatmyface,satdownonachair,andbossedmearoundthekitchenuntilIbakedmyfirstcake.”
Finallysoberingup,Isaid,“Well,atleastsomecherrywaspoppedthatweek.”
Lucaslookedlostinthoughtforasecond,thenaburstofdeep-belly,boisterouslaughterlefthim.
Feelingelatedatbeingtheonethathadcausedthatrowdy,happysound,itdidn’tevencomeoutbitterwhenIadded,“AndI’msureLorenawashappywhenshegotherLucascake.”
Hewavedahandintheair.“Oh,Idon’tthinkIeverbakedanythingforher.”
“Whynot?Didshenottakeyoubackafterthat?”
“Shetookmeback.Eventually,”hesaid,steppingclosertomyside,leaningforwarduntilthesideofhisfacelinedwithmine.“ButIdon’tgoaroundputtingonanapronforjustanybody.”
Iturnedmyheadandpeeredintothosetwochocolate-browneyes,warmthspreadingacrossmychest,fillingeverynookandcrannyofmyribcageuntiltherewasnospotleft.
“Youdon’t?”Iasked,feelingmybreathcomingoutchoppyandshallow.Butyoudo,forme,Iwantedtoadd.
Lucas’sanswernevercame.Hejustsaid,“Now,stopdistractingmeandgetbacktoit,Rosie.We’retwoembarrassingstoriesdownandnosoundtrackyet.”CHAPTERTWELVELucas
“Isn’tthatanothermoviesoundtrack?”Iaskedonourwayhomefromthestore.
Rosiehuffed,staringdownattherecordinherhands.“Sortof,butthisoneisdifferent.”
“Different.”Snatchingitoutofhergrip,Iinspecteditclosely.“?‘DancingQueen’byABBA,thesingle.”Iturnedthealbumaround.“Isn’tthisalittletoo…‘girlsnightout’foradate?”
“Experimentaldate,”shemurmured.“Anditwaseitherthisor‘IceIceBaby’byVanillaIce,ahip-hopclassic.”
Theownerhadbeenrushingusoutofthestoreatclosingtime.AndIwasn’tgoingtolie,Iwasalittlerelievedthatshehadn’tgonewithVanillaIce.Nothingagainsthim—orABBA,forthatmatter—buthip-hopwasn’twhatI’dpicturedwhenIaskedhertopickoursoundtrack.
Shecontinued,slidingmeaskepticallook,“HaveyounotwatchedMammaMia?ThissongisMerylStreep’srevelationmoment.Itholdsthewholemovietogether.Ioncereadanarticleabouthowit’sactuallyasadtrack,anditmadesomeverygoodpoints,but…Idon’tknow…ithasalwaysmademehappy.It’smorethanasongyoudanceto.”
Heradmissionwasenoughtosatisfyme.Infact,knowingshehadpickedasongthatmeantsomethingtoherdidalittlemorethanjustsatisfyme.“So,you’reoneofthosepeople,huh?”
Shenarrowedhereyes,anditwashardnottosmile.“Whatpeople?”
“OneofthoseMammaMia–obsessedpeople.”
Rosieseemedoutragedbymyquestion.“It’samusicalandaromanticmasterpiece.”Shesnatchedtherecordbackfromme.“What’snottoloveabouthavingmultiplelovestories,allrolledupintotheperfectmusical?Nothing.Becauseit’sliterallyimpossibletonotlovethat.”
“Okay,okay.”Iheldmyhandsintheair.“It’snotexactlyidealforwhat’scomingnext,butwe’lljusthavetorollwithit.”
Sheshotmeaquickglance,andIcouldseethequestiontakingshapeinhereyes.
“Askme,Rosie.”Ismiledtomyselfandreturnedmygazetothesidewalk,happythatIwasstartingtogetfamiliarwithallhercues.“Alwaysspeakyourmindaroundme.”
Sheliftedtherecordintheairwithbothherhands.“What’scomingnextandwhyisn’tthis”—shehelditinfrontofherface—“amazing,outstanding,ahead-of-its-timemusicalmasterpieceidealforit?”
Laughterrolledstraightoutofmeinaloudrumbleforthesecondorthirdtimetoday.
Rosieloweredthealbum,revealingasmallfrown.“What’ssofunny?”
NothingwasfunnyabouthowmuchIlovedthatshemademelaughlikethisandhowcluelessshewas.“Youhavenoidea,”Itoldhersimply,spottingLina’sbuildinginthedistance.“Andyou’llfindoutwhatwe’redoingsoonenough.”
IquickenedmystepandwhenInoticedshewasn’tkeepingup,Ipeeredbackovermyshoulder.
Rosiewasstandinginthewalkway,lookinginmydirectionwithacockedbrow,alllonglegsinthoseshoesIwashavingalittletroublenotpayinganyattentionto,andgreener-than-evereyesinthatleatherjacketthatmadethemstandout.
“Idon’tknowhowIfeelaboutsurprises,”shesaid,herexpressiontellingadifferentstory.Shewascurious.Excited.Icouldtell.“Can’tyoutellmenow?”
“Nope.”Iflashedheragrinandpivotedaway.“Mydate,myrules.”
“Cheesyandbossy,”shemuttered.“Ididn’tthinkthatwaspossible.”
Anotherlaugheruptedoutofme,thisonechasedbysomethingelse.Somethingthatdemandedmyattention.ButIshookmyheadandsaid,“Iheardthat!”
BackatLina’sbuilding,IstoppedRosieandheadedtoAdele’ssideofthehall.IknockedonLina’sneighbor’sdoor,andbeforeIcouldcatchRosie’squestioninglook,theoldlady’sheadwaspeekingout.
“Ah,you’reback.”Adelegavemeacrookedsmilebeforemovingovertoletmeintoherhome.“Iwaswonderingwhenyou’dpickitup.It’srightwhereyouleftit.”
“Thankyou,hermosa,”ItoldAdeleasIslippedinandgrabbedtheboxI’ddroppedafewhoursearlier.NowthatIhadlearnedthatthisMateoshesometimesconfusedmewithhadbeenHispanic,ImadesuretosayafewthingsinSpanishwhenIsawherorcameovertocheckonher.“Ereslamejor.”Shereallywasthebest.“Havefunwithyourdaughterlater,okay?”
Adele’sfacelitupwhenshesaid,“Iwill.”SheeyedRosieandadded,“Havefun,too,youlittlerascal.”
Snickering,IreturnedtoadumbfoundedRosie,findingherblinkingatthescene.“Couldyoupleasetakecareofthedoor?”
RosiegapedatmeforalongmomentasIheldtheheavycardboardboxinmyarms,beforesnappingintoaction.“Yes!Ofcourse,yes.Thedoor.”
Ifollowedherintotheapartment,throwingthedoorshutwithmyleftfoot.SomethingIrealizedalittletoolatewasabadideawhenmyrightkneebuckled.
“Lucas!”Rosiecalled,runningtomyside.“OhmyGod!”
Wincingbutregainingmystepquickly,Itriedtoplayitoffasnothing,butRosiewasalreadyholdingtheothersideofthebox.
Therewasnopointindenyinganything,soIrepeatedmywordsfromthatfirstnight,“Goodcatch,Rosie.”Ipointedtotheleftwithmyhead,andadded,“Let’splaceitthere,besidetheTVstand.Ithinkthere’safreeplug.”
Asinstructed,wemoved,together,andsetitdownonthefloor.
Rosietookastepbackbutdidn’tgotoofar.
Throwingtheboxopenunderherraptinterest,IextractedtheobjectIhadmadesuretoleavewithAdelesoRosiewouldn’tcatchon.
“Oh,”IheardRosiesaysoftly.“Oh.”
Ilookedupather,takingnoticeofhowherlipswereformingalittleO
“Itlooksalittlebeat,”Iadmittedafteramoment.“Buttheladythatsoldittomesworethatitworks.”
“Youboughtthis?”sheasked.“Form—Fortheexperiment?”
“Ofcourse.”Pluggingtheoldrecordplayerintotheoutlet,Istraightenedandtookastepbacktoadmiremyacquisition.“Itwasfate,really.Iwaswalkingaroundandfoundthiswomansellingabunchofstufffromherbasement,rightthereonthedoorstep.Igotitforonlyafewbucksandafavor.”
“Whatkindoffavor?”
IsnatchedtheABBArecordfromthecoffeetable,whereRosiemusthaveleftittohelpmecarrythebox.“Sheneededhelpmovingadresser.”Onethatthewomanhadforgottentomentionweighedlikeamotherfucker.
Rosieletoutastrangenoise.“Youwentintoastranger’shouse?Justbecausesheaskedyouforafavor?”
Shruggingashoulder,Ikneeledinfrontoftheplayer.“Itwasactuallyherbasement.”
Sheaudiblygasped.“Lucas.Youcan’t…Youcan’tdothatkindofstuff.”
Iplacedthevinylontheplate.“Whynot?Sheaskedmetohelpher.AndIwasgettingarecordplayerinexchange.”
“Whatif…Whatifshewasjustluringyouinside?Toaxemurderyou.Orsellyourorgans.ThisisNewYork,Lucas.Theratioofcrazypeoplepersquarefootistoohightodothat.Especiallyifthewordbasementisthrownaround.”
“Cute,”Isaid,andshejustblinked.
Butitwascutethatshe’dgetworkedupoverthepossibilityofmebeingmurdered.
“Allright,RosalynGraham.”Isteppedclosertoher,andshetiltedherheadback.“Shoesoff.”
“What?”shemumbled.“Why?”
“Becausewecan’tdancewithyouinthosesexyheelswithoutbotheringthedownstairsneighbors.”
Hereyeswidened,asifI’dsaidsomethingcrazy.“Dance—We’redancing?”
Ipulledoffmyshoes.“Ofcourse.”Ikneeledbackdownandtoggledwiththefewsettingstheplayerhad.“Itoldyouyou’dbepickingupoursoundtrack.Andthat’swhatasoundtrackisfor.Dancing.”
RosielookedatmelikeIwasaskinghertosproutwingsandfly.
Itiltedmyheadtotheside.“ShouldIhelpyouwiththoseshoes?”Ioffered.“Icandothatifyoureally,reallyneedmeto.”AndI’ddoitgladly,inallhonesty.Thoseshoeshadbeendrivingmealittlecrazyeversinceshe’dputthemon.
Hermouthbobbedacoupleoftimes,notemittinganysound.
OnlywhenItookastepinherdirectiondidsheseemtosnapoutofit.Inafewseconds,thepairofblueheelswasbehindher,andhertoeswerepeekingoutfromunderthehemofherjeans.Andwhatapairofjeans.Ihadn’tbeenlyingwhenItoldhertheyweremyfavorite,too.Theydefinitelywerewhentheyhuggedher—
Lucas,Itoldmyself.Focus
IpressedPlayontherecordplayer.Theopeningnotesof“DancingQueen”filledtheapartment.
Icrackedmyneckleftandright.ThenImadesuretomeethergazeasIstartedmovinglefttoright.
Thissongmightnothavebeenexactlymyjam—definitelynotwhatIhadpicturedusdancingto—butatleastIknewhowtokeepabeat.AbuelahadmadesureofitwhenIwasakid,forwhentheoccasionneededit.Andso,Igraduallyaddedmyarmstomymotions,thenmyhips,andthen,justsoI’dgetareaction,anyreaction,outofher,Ispuninaperfectcircle.
Rosie’seyesturnedtoplates.
“Youlooksoshocked,Rosie,”Iteased,notstoppingmysoloperformance.“Isitsosurprisingtoseemedancing?”
Fine,Ididn’tjustknowhowtokeepabeat.Iknewhowtodance.
Thepinkcoloringhercheeksdeepened,butthecornerofherlipstwitched.
Bitingbackmyownsmile,IdidtheonlythingIcould.Istrodeveryslowlyinherdirection,matchingeverysteptothebeatofthesongandmakingsuretokeepmyeyesonhers.
“Comeon,Rosie,”Itoldher,thenaddedalittlelouder,“Youcandance.”Imovedmyhipslefttoright.“Andyoucanalsojive.”
BythetimeIclosedthedistancebetweenusandIwasonlyashorttwofeetawayfromher,IwasfullysingingtoABBA,swingingmyarmsandshouldersaroundher.
Thesmallestsnortlefther.
Almostthere,Ithought.Andmylegwasn’tevenbotheringmeallthatmuch.
Imovedforward.“AmInotagoodenoughdancingqueen?”Iaskedher,steppingmuch,muchcloser.“I’mnotseventeenbutI’myoungandsweet,anyway,don’tyouthink?”
Asmallsmiletuggedatherlipsnow.Andnaturally,thatonlyfueledmyneedtotakemorefromher.Tomakehergivememore.
“Okay,that’senough.Comehere,”IsaidrightasIsnatchedherhandandspunherinacircle.
Rosieyelped,loudandpitchy,andasecondlatershebrokeoutlaughing.
Thereitis.
Becausethereitwas,thatlaughterIhadbeencraving.
Ispunheronemoretime,herbodynowslowlybeginningtomovetotherhythmofthesong.Andwhenshewasfacingmeagain,itwaswithafull-fledgedgrinpartingherfacethatIhadnochoicebuttoreturn.
Thechorusstartedjustasifwe’dchoreographedit,andwescreamedthelyricsatthetopofourlungs.
Andjustlikethat,Rosie’slimbsloosened,hereyesshut,andherbodygotlosttotheseventieshit.Iheldoneofherhandsandwatchedhersinglikeitwasnobody’sbusiness,soloudlythatIcouldhearhervoiceoverthemusic.Andboy,shewasn’tagoodsinger.Notbyalongshot.
Notthatitstoppedmefromtakingherotherhandandspinningherinanothercircle.Wewhirledandwhirled,singingandlaughing,perhapsonetoomanytimes,becausewiththatlasttwirl,Rosielostherfootingandspunrightintomychest.
Ourbodiesclashed,myarmgoingaroundherwaist.Ourgazeslocked,chestsheavinginbreathlesssyncaswestaredateachother.Thesweetestwaveofpeacheswrappedaroundme,makingmynostrilsflare.
MythroatworkedasIstartednoticingthewayherbreastspressedagainstmychest,movingupanddownwitheveryheavingbreath.Oneofmylegswasthrustbetweenhers,andsomehow,inabasicreflexIhadn’tbeenabletocontrol,Ipulledhercloser.Tighteragainstme.Ourhipscomingintocontactasourlegstangledfurther.
Herbreathcaught,andwhenhermouthreleasedtheair,shakily,rockily,ithitmeonthejaw.Somethinginsideofmestiffened,hardened.
Myfingerssplayedonherwaist.AndI—
Therecordscratched,bringingeverythingtoanabruptstop.
“Lucas,”Rosiebreathed.
Myarmkepthersecuredrightwhereshewas,againstme,givingmyselfafewmoresecondsto…think.Ineededtothink.“Yeah?”
“Themusic,”sheaddedquietly,breathlessly.“Itstopped.”
“Yeah.”
“Wasthat—”
Astrangenoisecutoffherwords.
Rosie’sheadpeekedovermyshoulder,inthedirectionofthesound.“Lucas?”shewhisperedloudly.
Iopenedmymouth,butthesoundgrewlouder,stoppingmywords.
“Whatisthat?”sheaskedoverthescratchscratchscratch.“Whattheheckisthat?”
Thatwasadamngoodquestion.
Ispunusaround,nowholdingherformorethanonereason.
Thescratchcontinued,increasinginintensity,andItookatentativestepforward.“Peroquécojones…”TheSpanishcurseslippedoutofmeasIstretchedmyneck.
“Ohno,”Rosieloud-whispered.“Linasaysthatalotwhensomething’sabouttogowrong.”
Imovedusforward.
“Lucas,Idon’tlikethis.Whatareyou—”
“Shush,”Itoldhersoftly.“Ithinkthere’ssomethingbehindtherecordplayer.”
Apitchyscreechleftthevicinityofthebox,soIpeekeddownintimeof…Ah,mierda.
“Okay.”Isoftenedmyvoice.“Iwantyoutoremaincalm,Ro.”BecauseifthatwaswhatIwasprettysureitwas,andRosiehappenedtobescaredof—
Ascreampiercedmyears.
Okay.So,shewas.
“Lucas!”Rosiebellowed,jumpingandmanagingtoclimbupmybodyasifIhadbeennothingmorethanapole.“Arat!Isthatarat!?”Ahandlandedonmyface,anotheroneonmyshoulder.Oneofherkneesreachedmyarmpit.“No,no,no,no.Please,tellmethat’snotarat!”
Throwingmyarmsaroundherwaist,Iadjustedheraroundmesoherlegswouldclosearoundmyhips.“I’mnotgoingtotellyouanyofthat.”
“Whythehellnot?!”
Chuckling,Iplacedmyhandsonthebackofherthighsandturnedusaroundsoshe’dfacetheoppositeway.“Becausethere’sahugeratintheapartmentandI’mnotgoingtolietoyou,Ro.Notever.”
Anotherscream.
Pivoting,ItriedmybesttocarryhertotheothersideofthestudiowhileshesquirmedinmyarmsandleftmewithnochoicebuttoplaceoneofmypalmsonaperkyandroundedassIpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tthinkabout.“Hey,Ro?”Itoldher,holdingbackagroanwhenshewiggledrightagainstmycrotch.“I’mgoingtoputyoutosafety,okay?Butit’sgoingtobeeasierifyoustopmoving.Please.”
Thatseemedtoputastoptoallhersquirmingbecauseshefrozeinmyarms.“OhmyGod,I’msosorry,Lucas.”Shetriedtohopofffrommyembrace,butIdidn’tlether.“AmItooheavy?I’msuchajerk.Letme—”
“Stayrightwhereyouare,”ItoldherasIcarriedhertherestofthewaywithonlyalightlimpandplacedheronthecounterverygently.“It’sallright.”
“No,it’snot.”Herexpressionwasremorseful,pained.“Ishouldn’thavejumpedonyoulikethat.”
Andyet,Ihadn’tevencaredaboutherdoingso.Ihadn’tcaredaboutthetightnessgrippingthenowweakmusclesunderherweight.OrthesorenessI’llsufferinafewhoursafterourdancingsession.Tobehonest,Iwassickandtiredofpayingattentiontoanyofthat.IwassickofnotbeingabletodowhateverIpleasedbecauseofthisgoddamninjury.
Swallowing,IansweredtheonlywayIcould:“Don’tworryaboutit.Idon’t.”
Shenoddedherhead,andonemoretime,sheshockedmebynotpressing.Pushingmetotalkaboutit.Instead,sheloweredhervoice.“I’mterrifiedofrodents.”Sheliftedbothlegsandplacedherbarefeetonthecounter.“AndnowIcan’tstopthinkingaboutthat…”—sheshivered—“thatcreatureeatingawayatmytoes.”
Herexpressionwasofpuredisgust,anditmademesmile.“Itwon’teatyourtoes.”
“Itcould,”shehissed.
“Imean,sure,itcould.Butyou’rehighupnow.Itwon’treachyouhere.”
Rosiegroaned.“You’renotmakingitbetter.I’mgoingtohavenightmaresnow,Lucas.We’llhavetosleepwiththelightsonandImighthavetowakeyouuptobringmewatertomybedsidetablebecauseI’llbescaredofsomethingbitingmyfeetifIsteponthefloor.You’rediggingyourowngravehere,really.”
Isighed,butitwasmoreforshow.“I’lldothatifyouneedmeto.That’swhoIam.Agoodroommateandanevenbetterfriend.”
Rosie’slipsfellandshemutteredsomethingunderherbreath.
“Nowstayput,okay?”Itoldherbeforeshelostitagain.Then,Imovedbacktotherecordplayer,locatedtherodent,andnotwithouteffort,managedtocorneritandshoveitbackintotheemptyboxwithamagazinethathadbeenlyingaround.
Onceready,Iheldthebox—withtherat—andstartedmakingmywaybacktoRosie.
Shestoppedmewithahand.“Donotmoveonemorestepwiththatthinginthere,buddy.”
“Buddy?Really?”Ifeignedoutrage.“Howabout‘Oh,Lucas,mysexyandskilledknightinshiningarmor’?Nowthat’sanicknamethatsuitsmeandIcangetonboardwith.”
Sheshotathreateningglanceinmydirection.
BeforeIcouldsayanything,aknockonthedoorcame.
“OhmyGod,”Rosiewhispered.“Whatifthat’sanotheroneofthem?”
“Well,”Isaid,headingfortheentrance.“Then,Ihopetheybroughtsnacks.”
LeavingafumingRosieonthecounterbehindme,IopenedthedoorwiththeboxundermyarmandIwaswelcomedbyafacewithfeaturesIrecognizedfromamucholderwoman.
“Hi,”abrown-hairedwomanwithoneofthoseedgyhaircutsI’dseenaroundsaid.“I’mAdele’sdaughter,Alexia.IhopeI’mnot…”Shetrailedoff,hergazefallingbehindme.“IhopeI’mnotinterruptingsomething.”
“Ohno.Don’tworry,”ItoldAlexiawithaneasysmile.“Shejustlikesitupthere.Right,Ro?”
Rosie’sanswerdidn’tcomeforafewseconds.“Yeah,”shecalled.“Right.Iloveclimbingonfurniture.It’sreallyapastimeofmine.”
IchuckledbeforereturningtoAlexia.“It’sverynicetomeetyou.”Iofferedmyfreehand.“I’mLucas.AndtheprettyladyonthecounterisRosie.”
“Nicetomeetyou…both,”Alexiasaid,shakingmyhand.“Iwantedtocomebytointroducemyselfandthankyouforlookingaftermymom.EithermywifeorIcomebyeveryevening,andGodknowshowhardwe’vebeenlookingforfull-timecareforher,butit’sproving…”Sheseemedalittleoverwhelmedforamoment,leavingthatstatementunfinished.“Anyway,you’rereallygoodtoher,andyouabsolutelydidn’tneedtocheckonher,soIappreciateit.Morethanyouknow.”
Ishookmyhead.“It’snothing.”AndImeantit.Itreallywasnothing.
“It’snotnothing.”Alexiareachedoutandpattedmeonthearm.“ThelasttimeshetalkedaboutDadthiswaywasrightafterhepassed.”
Dad
So,MateohadbeenAdele’shusband,likeI’dsuspected.
Alexiastaredatmeforalongtime,aheavyemotionfillinghereyes.Grief.Clearastheday.“God,youlooksomuchlikehisoldphotos.HewasArgentinian,mipapá.”
Therewasn’tanythingIcouldsaythatwouldmakeitbetter,soIdidn’t.
“Allright.”Alexiaclearedherthroat.“Iwon’tkeepyoufrom”—aknowingsmilereplacedthesadnessthathadbeenthere—“whateveryoutwoweredoingthatdefinitelylookslikefun.”
Inodded,relievedthatshehadn’taskedabouttheboxundermyarm.“I’llseeyouaround,Alexia.”
“Yeah.IguessI’llseeyouaround,too,Lucas.”Shepeekedbehindme.“Bye,Rosie!”
“Bye!”shehollered.“Itwasnicemeetingyou,too!”
OnlywhenAlexiawasgone,Ilookedovermyshoulder.RosiewasexactlywhereI’dlefther,thoughherexpressionwasnowdifferent.“You’vebeenvisitingAdele?Everyday?”
“Yes.”
“You…”shestarted,hergazeroamingaroundmyface,hereyesfillingupwithsomething.“Ahcrap.”
Ifrownedbutourlittleboxedfriendmoved,bringingourattentionbacktowhereitshouldhavebeen.“I’mguessingthatpickingupstufffromthestreetisano-goaroundhere.”
TheleftcornerofRosie’slipstwitched.“I’dprobablystayawayfrombasements,too.”
“Fairenough.”Isighed.“Allright,I’lltakeourlittlefriendouttothestreetor…toapark?”Ifrowned.“Youknowwhat,I’llgooglewhattodowithit.Just,comedownfromtherewhenIclosethisdoor,okay?You’resafe.”
Becauseinvaderrodentornot,IhadpromisedRosiethatmuch.
AndIwasn’tgoingtoforgetthat.CHAPTERTHIRTEENRosie
Ollywasblowingusoff.Again.
Afterhe’dpromisedhe’dbehere,thathewouldcometoprimethewallsofDad’sstudioafterhehadaskedforourhelp.
Theworstpart,though,wastherealizationthatDaddidn’tneedanyhelp.ThefactthatIwasstandingbehindhimholdingthebottleofmultisurfacesoapwhilehedidalltheworkwasproofenough.He’daskedforhelpjustsohewouldgetushere.Justsohe’dhaveanexcusetoseehischildren.SeeOlly
God,Iwantedtoshakemylittlebrother.Whatthehellwaswrongwithhim?
“Areyousureyoushouldbedoingthis?”Iaskedhim,closingsomeofthedistancesoIcouldseehisface.“Yourhipokay,Dad?Wecouldtakeabreakandhavesomethingtoeat.”
“I’mfine,Bean,”hesaidquickly
Ugh,nottheI’mfineroutine.
Snatchingthespongeoutofhishand,Istoodbyhissideuntilhelookedatme.Andwhenhefinallydid,reluctantly,hisexpressionconfirmedthathewasn’t,infact,fine.“Liar,liar,pantsonfire.”
Dadchuckled,andIkissedhisforeheadjustsoIwouldn’tshakehim,too.
“Justalittleworried,isall,”hefinallyadmittedwithasigh.“Haveyouheardfromyourbrother?He’scoming,isn’the?”
“I…Yes.”Ibusiedmyselfwiththespongesohewouldn’tseemyface.“LetmeseeifIhaveanymissedcallsfromhim.He’sprobablyjustrunninglate.”
Dadsnatchedthespongeback.“I’llfinishthisoffwhileyoudo.We’reonlymissingafewspots.”
“We?”ImutteredasIturnedtofishmyphoneoutofmybag.
Notatext,notacall,nothing.
Itextedhimagain.
Whereareyou,Olly?I’matDad’sandit’salready6PM.Yousaidyouwouldcome.
Then,IinventedanexcuseforhimwithDad,themanwhohadfoughttoothandnailtokeepusafloatwhilemakingusfeellovedeverysingleday,evenwhenhecouldn’tspendmuchtimeathome.“Ollymightbeonthetrain,maybewithoutreception?”Iexplained,hopingDadboughtthelie.“I’lltryagaininabit.”
Dadsighed.Itwasaquietsoundthatmostpeoplewouldhaveoverlooked,butIknewitwell.ItwastheOllysigh.BecauseDadblamedhimselfforwhateverwasgoingonwithmybrother.
AlmostasmuchasIdid.
Iwasabouttoattempttoreassurehimwhenafemalevoiceenteredtheroom.“How’smyfavoriteneighbordoing?”
Iturnedtofindawomanwithgrayinghairhighinabun,hereyestwinklingwithwarmthandhumor.
“Ah,Nora.You’rehere,”Dadanswered,hiswholefacebrightening.“Ihopewedidn’tbotheryoubymovingthefurniturearound.Isyourbookclubmeetingover?Didyoubringsomeofyourdeliciousredvelvetcake?”
Herbookclubmeeting?Herdeliciousredvelvetcake?
Dadloweredhisvoice.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutitallday.”
Iblinked.OhLord,whatwashappeninghere?
Noraliftedabagshe’dbeenkeepingbehindherback.“I’mgladtohearthat.”Shesmiledbeforeturningtolookatme.“Ididn’tknowyouhadcompany,Joseph.Isthisyourdaughter?”
“ItoldyoutocallmeJoe,”hecorrectedherwithawink.Awinkthathadmedoingadoubletake.“Andyes,thisisher.Rosieisanengineer.WorksatafancycompanyinManhattan,rememberIwastellingyouaboutthatyesterday?”
Guiltslicedthroughmychestatmydad’swords.“That’sme.”Iswallowed.“Hi,Nora,it’snicetomeetyou.”
Shesmiledatmeoverthebag.“Yourdadisveryproudofyou,honey.Hetoldmeallaboutthatwell-deservedpromotion.”
Ifeltmyblooddrainfrommyface,butIgaveheranod.
Nora’sgazeslidtomydad.“Shehasthosebeautifulgreeneyesofyours,Joseph.”Shechuckled.“Isurehopeshe’snotasstubbornasyouare,though.Becausethosearesomegenesyoudon’twanttopasson.”
“Joe,”Dadcorrectedher.Andwithoutturningtome,headded,“Didyouhearthat,Rosie?Beautifuleyes.”
IsearchedDad’sface,thenNora’s.Theywerebothgrinning.Dadather,andNoraatthebagthatcontainedthatdeliciousredvelvetcakehehadbeenthinkingaboutallday
Myphonebuzzedinmyhands,snatchingmyattentionfromtheflirtation-festhappeningrightinfrontofme.
Lucas:How’sthehomeproject?Yourdad’shipokay?
IbitmylipjustsoIwouldn’tsmileatthescreen.Athisname.Athiswords.
Andjustlikethat,memoriesofourfirstandonlyexperimentaldatetoppleddownmymind,makingmefeelallkindsofbreathless.
Ithadbeengoofy,fun,sweet,andcheesyinthebestpossibleway.AsmuchasIteasedLucas,thetruthwasthatIlovedcheesy,andhehadsurpassedanyexpectationsI’dhadforourexperiment.Everysinglethingaboutit—abouthim—hadbeenaromancewriter’sdreamcometrue.Awoman’sdreamcometrue.Eventhinkingofthatrodentrunningaroundtheapartmentdidn’tmakemyskincrawlanymore.Instead,IthoughtofmylegsaroundLucas’shipsashecarriedmetosafety.Ofhissolidandwarmbodyundermine.Oftheintensityburninginhisbrowneyesashe’dlookedatmewhenwedanced.
Itallhadbeeninthenameofresearch.Experimentalflirting.Experimentaldancing.Experimental…wowing.
Butthiswasn’t.ThecarehetookincheckinguponmeandDad—asLucas,myroommateandfriend,notLucasfromDateNight—wasn’texperimental.Itwasreal.Andthat…washardtoignore.
Rosie:He’sokay.He’sbusyflirtingwithhisneighbor.Infrontofme.
Lucas:GoMr.Graham!
Rosie:Don’tencouragethiskindofbehavior.
Lucas:Whynot?Flirtingishealthyforthesoul.
Rosie:He’smydadAndtheyarewatchingeachotherwithgooglyeyesrighthere.
Lucas:Hestilldeservestoeat,youknow.
Rosie:EWLUCAS.NO.
Lucas:Finebutyou’rearomancewriter.Youshouldencouragethis.Maybeevengivehimtips.
Lucas:Howfardoyouthinktheflirtinghasgone?Doyouthinkthey’dhadalittlepow-powfun?
Pow-powwhat?JesusChrist.
Rosie:okaygossipgirl,letmestopyourighthere.
Rosie:you’resupposedtosidewithme.
Lucas:I’llalwaysbeonyourside.
ThosewordssattherealoneforseveralsecondsasIstaredatthem,notreallyknowingwhatwasaboutthemthatmadethemstandout.
Thethreetypingdotsappearedagain
Lucas:I’llletyougo,justwantedtocheckonhim.Andyou.
Lucas:#TeamRosie
Lucas:xoxo,youknowyouloveme.
Lucas:andbeforeyouask…Ihaveabigsister,Ro.IknowGossipGirl.
Ahdammit.Godfreakingdammit.
Whydidhehavetogoaroundbeingso…goodandfunnyand…and…soLucas?
Rosie:that’ssweetofyou,Lucas.Youreallydidn’thavetocheckonus.
Afewsecondspassed,andjustwhenIthoughtIwouldn’treceiveanymoremessagesfromhim,anewbubbleappearedonmyscreen.
Lucas:Onelastthing,willyoubeeatingatyourDad’sorshouldIleavedinnerintheovenforyou?
ThatexpandingsensationinmychestIsooftenexperiencedwhenLucaswasaroundcamebackwithavengeance.Heightened,intensified.Asifitwastheretostay.Hewassounbelievablysweet,andheprobablyhadnoidea.
Thistrulywasacurseandablessing.Because—
“Rosie?”
Lookingupfrommyphone,Icaughtmydad’sinterestedgaze.“Sorry,wereyousayingsomething?”
“Who’sthatyou’retexting?”
Hisquestionbroughtmebackintime,whenIwassixteenandhe’daskedmeiftherewasanyboyIliked.Remembertopicktheboythatwillplantagardenforyouinsteadofjustgettingyoutheflowers,Bean
“Oh,”IsaidascasuallyasIcould.“Justafriend.”
“Therewasalotofgrinninggoingontherefor‘justafriend.’?”
“Iwaslaughingatsomethinghesaid.”Ilockedmyphoneandslippeditinmybag.“He’sfunnylikethat.”
“Ohyeah?”Dad’ssmilewasknowing.“Whatwasthejoke?”
OutofthecornerofmyeyeIwatchedNoraslipoutoftheroomwithanodinourdirection.Iusedherdisappearancetomyadvantage.“OnenotasfunnyasseeingyouwithNora.”Ipointedafingerathim.“Someone’sbeenbusy.”
Helaughed,likeoutrightdeepbellylaugh,andIlovedhearingthatsound.IloveditlesswhenitdiedofftooquicklythemomentDadcheckedhiswatch
“Iguessyourbrother’snotcomingthen,”headmittedwithasigh.
Ithoughtaboutmakingupanewexcuseforhim,butwehadreachedthepointwheretherewasnotmuchelseIcouldsay.“Iguessnot,Dad.”
“Right.”Henodded.“Let’sgetthisdonesoyoucancatchanearlytrainback,Bean.”
Hourslater,IwasfinallygettingoffthetrainandmakingmywayoutofPennStation.Feelingsurprisinglydrainedofallenergyanditbeingdarkandalittlelate,IoptedforspendingtheextrabucksonanUberinsteadoftakingthesubwaybackhome.
Ihadbeenwaitingformydrivertoarrive,whentheoutlineofamanpacingtheintersectionacrossfromwhereIstoodcaughtmyattention.
Hisheadhunglowashewalkedbackandforth,fidgetingwithhishandsinawaythatimmediatelystruckmeasfamiliar.
Istaredforalittlelonger,thenfeltmyfeetcarryingmeforward.
Olly?
Ittookmeatleasttenfeettoconfirmthatthemanwasmylittlebrother.God,hadhechangedsomuchinthetimeIhadn’tseenhim?Hisshouldersseemedwider,andheevenlookedtaller,butitwashim.Manorboy,thatwasmylittlebrother.And…Whatwashedoinghere?Wassomethingwrong?
Irushedthelastfeetbetweenus.
“Olly?”Icalled,watchinghisheadimmediatelybounceupatmyvoice.“Whatareyou—”
Thelaststridethatbroughtmeface-to-facewithhimstoppedwhateverIwasabouttosay.
Somethingwasn’tjustwrong.Everythingwas.Becausemybrotherstoodinfrontofmewithablackeyeandabustedlip.
“JesusChrist,Olly.”Iwatchedmyhandsreachforhisface.Myfingersbrushedhischeeks.Hewinced.“Whathappened?Whodidthistoyou?”
Hiseyesclosed,andIknew,Ijustknewthatthenineteen-year-oldmaninfrontofmeneededcomfort.Hemighthavebeenatleastfiveinchestaller,andnolongertheboythatstaredatmelikeIhadhungthemoonwhenIsneakedhimanounceofchocolate,butIstillwantedtowraphiminmyarmsandprotecthimfromtheworld.Fromwhoeverhaddonethis.
“I’mfine,”hegrunted.
Ifeltsomethingsnapinsideofme.Somethingdarkandhostile.“IsweartoGod,”Igrowled,myvoiceshakingwithfrustration,“ifyouGrahammendon’tstopthisI’mfinecrap,I’mgoingtolosemyshit.”
Olly’sexhalewasclosetoagaspandIknewitwasbecauseIhadcursed,butitmanagedtoappeasemyanger.Justthetiniest,littlestbit.“Ithinkyoumighthavelostitalready,Bean.”
Isighed,studyinghisblackeye.“How,Olly?Howdidthishappen?”
“It’sablackeye.Itjusthappens.”
Takingmytimetofillmylungswithadeepbreath,Iwilledmyvoicetoremainsteady.“Isthiswhyyou’rehere,outsidethestation?Whyyoudidn’tcometoPhilly?”
Anod.“Youtextedmeyouwereonyourwayback.Iwantedtoapologizefornotshowingup.”
Mythumbgrazedthecutonhislowerlip.“Doesithurt?”
HeshruggedandIsensedthewordsrisingtomymouth.Wordshewouldn’twanttohear.“Olly,whatthehellisgoingon?”
“I’myoung,it’llhealquickly,”hehadthenervetosay.Deflect.
“Becauseyou’reyoung,youshouldn’tbegettingintosituationsthatleaveyouwithabustedlip.Nobodyshould,youngorold.”
Isawmyfingersstartshaking,bewilderedbythewholesituation.Overwhelmed.Helpless,too.BecauseIdidn’tknowwhattodotomakehimlisten.Totrustme.“Youshouldbeenjoyinglife.Havingfun.Doingwhatevernineteen-year-oldsdonow.”Ishookmyhead,somethingoccurringtome.“Doesthishaveanythingtodowiththemysteriousjobatthenightclub?”
Herecoiled,steppingoutofmyhold.“Justtrustmeforonce,okay?Imakegoodmoney.I’mfine.Thiswasjustalittlebrawloveramisunderstanding.”
Ireachedoutforhimagain,buthesteppedfartherback.ItwasonlythenthatItooknoticeofwhathewaswearing.Niceclothes,expensiveones.BrandsIcouldhardlyaffordmyself.
Helookeddown,too,andheshookhishead.
Iwantedtoscream,butIdidn’t.IfIdid,Iprobablywouldn’tstop.
“Isitdrugs?”Idemanded.
Olly’sheadsnappedup.Hiseyeswidened.
“What?”Hegasped,asifI’djustaskedhimifhewaspoopinggoldenpellets.
“Areyoudealingdrugs,Olly?Isthatwhatthisis?”
“Jesus,Rosie.”Thatshockturnedintodisgust,frustration.“I’mnotdealinganything.It’snotthat,okay?Youjustdon’tunderstand.I’m…”
Heshookhishead,hisravenhairfallingoverhisforehead.
“You’rejustwhat?”
“I’m…dancing?”hefinallysaid,butitcameoutasaquestion.Whichonlymadememoreconfused.
Moreskeptical.Moresuspicious.
“Atthenightclub,”Isaidslowly.“Makingenoughmoneytoaffordclothesworthmyrent.”
Ollyshrugged.
Jesus,wasmybrother…dancingformoney?WasOllystripping?
MyheartthunderedinmychestwhileIremainedverystill.
Notlongago,IwasthinkingofLucas’scookingastheMagicMikeofDoughsandPans,andnowitturnedoutmylittlebrotherwasactuallyreenactingthewholething.Inreallife.
Didn’thetrustmeenoughtotellme?
Overwhelmingsadnessslippedin,makingmefeeldizzy.Iopenedmymouthtosaysomething,anything,buttheblindinglightsfromavehiclestoppedme.
Ollythrewanarmoverhiseyesandcursedunderhisbreath.Acarpulledupbesideus,andthewindowrolleddown
“Okay,prettyboy.Getin,”amanthatwasn’tmucholderthanOllydemandedfromthedriver’sseat.
“Olly,”Itried.“Don’tgo.”
Butmybrothermovedtowardthecar.
“There’ssomuchweneedtotalkabout—”
“Rosie,”mybrothercutmeoff.“It’sfine,Icalledhim.AndI’mokay.Iswear.”
Themaninthecarsmirked,hisexpressionsettingoffabouttendifferentalarmsinmyhead.
“Let’sgo,”hetoldOlly.“Shiftstartsinthirty.We’llhavetouseacraptonofmakeuptocoverthatnumberyouhave,butLexiewillmanage.”Lexie?“You’dbetterhopeshewasworththetrouble.”
MyheadwhirledinOlly’sdirection.Hisjawwashard.
Theblackeye.Itwasaboutagirl.But—
“Bye,Rosie,”hesaid.Andinaswiftmotion,hewaskissingmycheekandthrowingthebackdooropen.
Inablur,Iwasleftalone,dumbfoundedandstandingonthesidewalkwhileIwatchedthecar’staillightsturnintotworedspotsinthedistance.
Ironically,itwasexactlythenthatmyUberarrived.
Awhilelater,whenIfinallysteppedinsidetheapartment,theencounterwithOllyweighedsomuchonmethatnoteventhesightofLucasasleepwithhismouthhangingopenandourvampireshowplayingmademesmile.Afterpullingablanketoverhim,Itiptoedtothekitchentograbaglassofwater,whereIfoundanotehe’dleftonthecounter.Dinner’sintheovenincaseyou’rehungry.Andnoteventhatmademesmile.Ididn’tevenanswerhistext,andhestillwentthroughthetroubleofcookingfortwo.Becausehehadn’twrittenleftovers,he’dwrittentheworddinner.Andhe’dmadesurethatthenotewassomewhereI’dseeit.Waitingforme.IncaseIwashungry.
Itshouldhavemademesmile.Grinlikeafool,overwhelmedwithgiddiness,justlikeearlier.Butitallhadtheoppositeeffect.
Thesituationwithmywriting,Lucas,mybrother,evenmydad.Thecompletemessthatwasmylife.HowbigofahypocriteIwasfordemandingthetruthwhenallIdidwaskeepsecrets.Everythingwas…toomuch.
Iwasstandingthere,withthenoteinmyhand,whenIheardmyname.
Lucasstoodinthemiddleofthestudio,abouttenfeetawayfromme.Heheldtheblanketinonehand,andhishairpointedinalldirections.
SummoningthebestsmileIcouldmanage,Isaid,“I’msorryIwokeyouup.”
“Iwasonlyrestingmyeyes.”Heblinkedafewtimes,asifhewaswillinghimselfbacktolife.Hiseyesroamedaroundmyface.“What’swrong?Yourdad—”
“No.Dad’sfine.”Ishrugged,doingwhatweGrahamsdidbest.Hidewhateverwaswrong.Swallowitup.“Nothing’swrong,Lucas.”
Hewassilentforalongmoment,lookingatme.Iknewwhathewasdoing.Hewasworrying,wonderinghowhecouldmakeitbetterforme.ProbablywonderingifIwasgoingtoburstintotearsagain.
Andthefactthathewasdoingallthosethingsmadememad.Lucaswasdoingsomuch.AndIwasgivinghimnothing.Justthecompanyofsomeonewhomopedaroundalot.
IvowedinthatmomentthatI’ddosomethingforLucasMartín.Somethingtomakehimhappy.
“Hey,Rosie?”
Isighed.“Yeah?”
Helookedatmewithsomethingthatwasalotlikethatintensityfromourexperimentaldate,butdifferent.Fiercer.Softer.“Doyouwantahug?”heoffered.
Hewassuchagoodman.ButIwouldn’thaveanotherbreakdowninfrontofhimafterhe’ddonesomuch.
“No.It’sokay.I’mfine,”Iwhispered.
Hewasquietforafewseconds.Thenhesaid,“Doyouthinkyoucangivemeone,though?MaybeI’mtheonewhoneedsit.”
Iswallowed,theurgetostepforwardandlungemyselfathiminvadingme.ButIdidn’t,becauseIknewwhathewasdoing.Thiswasformysake,nothis
Lucascaughton,becausehewentwithsomethingIwouldn’tbeabletoresist:“IreallymissTacotoday.Sothathugwouldreallyhelp.”Hisvoicewassodeepandgentle,sosoft.“CanIgetonehug,Rosie?”
AndasmuchasIknewthatthishugwasformysake—becauseImusthavelookedlikeIwasabouttocomeapartattheseams—hestillmanagedtomakeitlooklikeI’dbegivinghimsomethingpreciousifIsaidyes.LikeI’dbreakhisheartifIdeniedthisonethingtohim.
“Okay,”Iheardmyselfsay.KnowingwithalarmingcertaintyinthatpreciseinstantthatI’dneverbeabletolookintoLucas’sfaceandnotgivehimwhateverheaskedfromme.“Onlyifyouneeditthatbadly.”
Itdidn’ttakehimanytimetocrossthefewfeetbetweenusandthrowhisarmsaroundme.
Oncemore,Iburiedmyfaceinhischest.Butthistime,Iletmyselfleanintohim.Completely.Igavemyselfthegreenlighttogiveup.Iinhaledhisscentandrelishedhowwarmandbigandsolidhefeltaroundme.Itookasmuchstrengthfromhimashewaswillingtogiveme.AndIimaginedthis,hishug,hisbody,him,beingmysafehaven.Mynormal.Mybaddays,mygooddays.Myeveryday.
“Thankyou,Rosie.”Ifelt—morethanheard—hischestrumblewiththewords.“Ifeelmuch,muchbetter,now.”
Myarmstightenedaroundhistorso,feelingeverymuscle,everyboneunderneath,everyinchofwarmskinunderhisshirt.Eventhebeatofhisheart.CHAPTERFOURTEENRosie
“Alessandro’s?”IaskedwhenLucascametoastopinfrontofthepizzeriarightaroundthecornerfromLina’sbuilding.
Justlikehehaddonewithourfirstexperimentaldate,Lucashadsprungthisoneonme,too.He’dtextedmeearliertodaytobereadyby9:00p.m.“Spanishdinnertime,”ashehadcalledit.Expectinghimtotakemeouttoarestaurant,I’ddressedup.Iwaswearingamidipencilskirt,alightsweatertuckedatthefront,andmyblackleatherboots.
Butwewerehere.AtAlessandro’s.
LucashadusheredmeacrossthestreetandnowwewerestandinginfrontoftheoneplaceinNewYorkCitywhosemenuIcouldrecitebyheart.
Anditwas…closed.Eventhemetallicblindsweredown.
Ifrowned.“Areyousurethisiswherewe’regoing?”
Lucaspeeredatmeoverhisshoulder.“Yep.”
Okay
“Butbeforewegoin,”hesaid,pullingakeyoutofthepocketofhisbomberjacket,“IwanttomakesureIgoteverythingright.”
Iknewhedidn’tneedtodothatbecausehe’dgottenitjustright.Heseemedtogeteverythingright.
“Phasetwo,”hesaid,recitingtheplanI’dcomeupwith.“Theseconddate.Whileusuallyunderrated,theseconddateiswherecuriosityturnsintointerest.Youexplorethesparkyou’vefeltonthefirstdate.”
Thespark.
Iavertedmygazeasheatclimbedupmyneck.Ihadsomenervetalkingaboutcuriosity,interest,orsparkswhenIwasstartingtofeelfarmorethanjustthat.IfLucasandI—ourexperiment—wasaromancebook,I’dbepagesbeyondthisphase.Andthathadslowlystartedshowinginmywritingsessions.Myheadhadn’tbeenasemptyandmychesthadn’tfeltasstiff,suffocatedbyallthepressurethathadbeenpushingeverythingdown,andinsteadofworryingaboutmyrunningoutoftimeandpossiblybecomingafailure,I’dfoundmyselfdaydreamingaboutLucas,transformingthosethoughtsintowordsonthepage.Thetruthwas,however,thattimewasstillticking,Lucaswouldleaveinthreeweeks,Ihadfiveuntilmydeadline,andIstillwasalongwayfromhavingsomething—anything—Icouldsendtomyeditor.
Lucas’sfingerscametomychin,andhetippedmyfacetothesideandup.Hemetmygaze.
“Notake-backs,Rosie.”Hisexpressionwasoneofnononsense.“Doyoustillwanttodothis?”
Therewasn’tmuchtothinkof,notwhenhewaslookingatmelikethat.Allsharpdeterminationinhisgaze.“Yes.”
Thatslowgrinbrokefree,makingmealittleweakintheknees.Inevitably,Imatchedhimwithoneofmyown.“Thereitis,”hesaid,hisfingersstillonmychinandhiseyesdippingdowntomylips.“Deslumbrante.Comoelmismosol.”
Andmyheartstartedstrumminglikeitwasplayingagoddamnsetofkettledrums.
Itdidn’tmatterthatIdidn’tunderstandthewordshe’dsaidinSpanish
Itdidn’tmatterthatuntilhim,Ihadneverhadathingforaccents.
ItwasLucas,andthatseemedtobeenough.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“ItmeansthatIhopeyou’rehungry.”
Ifrowned,doubtingtheaccuracyofthetranslation.ButbeforeIcouldcomplain,hewassteppingawayandtakingcareofthesecuritygate,andpoof,thesightofhisbackside—hisass,inparticular—ashekneeledandstretched,dissipatedwhateverIwasgoingtosay.
Lifewasreallyunfair.Ontopofthatsmile,healsohadtohaveagreatass.OnethatI’dbetmycompleteJaneAustenspecialeditioncollectionwasasfirmas—
“Rosie?”
Mygazesnappeduptohisface,findinghimlookingatmeoverhisshoulder.Thebiggestsmirkknowntomantiltedthecornerofhismouth.“Wheneveryou’redonecheckingmeout.”
“What?”Iscreeched,myvoicecomingouthigh-pitchedandsqueakyandobvious.Soobvious.Iclearedmythroat.“Iwasnotcheckingyouout.”
Lucassnickeredandstood,throwingtheglassentrydooropenandgesturingformetogoinfirst.“It’sokaywithme,youknow?Ilovetheattention.”Hepaused.“Andit’sgoodtoknowthatyou’reanasswoman.”
Iwasanasswoman.Ireallywas.
Withadefeatedsigh,IsteppedforwardandfocusedondoingdamagecontrolonwhatIknewwereflamingredcheeksonceIgavehimmyback.“Iwasn’tcheckingyourass,Lucas.Iwasjustmakingsurethatyou…”
ThewordsdiedthemomentIsetfootinsidethepizzeriaandsawwhatwaswaitingforme.
DozensoftealightsformedatrailthatpartedthepizzeriaandledtowhatIknewwasthekitchen.
“I…”Itrailedoff,myjawstartingtochatterforareasonIcouldn’texplain.Mywholebodytrembled.AndIdidn’tknowwhy.“Lucas,”Isomehowmanaged.“Idon’tevenknowwhattosay.”
Ifelthimcomecloser.“Nobetterwaytoexplorethesparkandprovetotheotherpersonthatyou’reworththeeffort.”Apause,inwhichIheardafewmoresteps.“Thatyou’reworthlightingdozensoftealights.”
IthoughtIheardhimchuckle,butIcouldn’tbesure.Ihadbeensuckedintoavacuum.ALucasvacuum.“How?”IthoughtIwhispered.
“Sandroclosedearlytoday.Familycelebration.So,Ithoughtwecouldhavetheplacetoourselves.”
Ihadn’tbeenaskingaboutthat,butmyheadstillswiveledinhisdirection,“Youthoughtwecould—”Istoppedmyself,processingtheinformation.“HowtheheckdidyouconvinceSandrotogiveyouthekeys?Thispizzeriaislike—”
“Likeathirddaughtertohim,yes.”Lucaschuckled,thateasinessabouthimtakingover.“Hetoldmeabouthiswholefamilytree.Alsoexplainedindetailhowheconsidersthisplacehislegacy.Hishomeoutsidehome.Builtwiththesweatofhisbackand—”
“Thecallusesonhishands.”LinaandIhadsatthroughthatexplanationonmanyoccasions.
“Yes.”Heshruggedashoulder.“IguessImadeagoodfirstimpression.”
“So,hesimplyagreed?”
Sandrowasagreatmanbutnotoneyoucouldwinovereasily.
“AfewpromisesI’mnotsureIcankeepmighthavebeenthrownaround,butit’sallundercontrol.”Hewinked,likethiswasnormal.Likehimgoingthroughthetroublewasnothing.“Let’skeepthefirehazardtoourselves,though.Itcanbeourfirsteversecret.”
Thefirehazard.
Thebeautifulcandleshehadlit.
Oursecret.
Justlikemysecretcrush.OrthemanyothersecretsIkept.
Iswallowed,noddingmyheadandsoakingupthesightofthepizzeria.Thefeeling.ThefactthatLucashadgoneaboveandbeyondandoutofhiswayforme.
Fortheexperiment
“Ifyou’llfollowthepath,please?”Lucaswhisperedinmyear,bringingmebackwithadeliciousshiverthatcurleddownmyspine.“I’llshowyouourmainactivity.”
“Oh,”Imurmured,movingforward.“Thiswasn’tthemainactivity?We’renoteatingsurroundedbytealights?”
“Notyet.”Lucaswalkedclosebehindme,settingoneofhishandsbetweenmyshoulderbladesandbringingmetoastopinthekitchen.“We’reeating.Butforthat,weneedtotakecareofthefoodfirst.”
Istoodthere,wishingmyskirthadpocketssoIcouldslipmyhandsinandnotfidget.God,whydidn’tallskirtshavepockets?
IglancedoveratLucas,findinghimtogglingwiththetempcontrolsofthelargeoven.“YouloveAlessandro’s,right?”
“I’maNewYorker.It’sgeneticallyimpossibleformenottolovepizza.ButSandro’sinparticular?Iadore,yes.”
“Well,”Lucassaid,pullingoutalargeandsquaredplasticcontainerandplacingitonthecounter.“I’mnotSandro.I’mnotevenItalian,butIthinkyoulovewatchingmecook.”
“Imight,”Iteased.IlovedwatchingLucascookmorethanIlovedthatfirstsipofcoffeeinthemorning.Orbitingintoalavacake.Orthatfeelingyougetwhenyouknowyou’rereadinganewfavoritebook.OrwakinguponChristmasmorning.IlovedwatchinghimcookmorethanIlovedmostthingsinlife.
Lucasmovedtothefridgeandpulledafewthingsoutofit.Tomatosauce,afewgreens,ahugewedgeofwhatlookedlikeParmesancheese.“Sandrogavemeafewtips,toldmewhereeverythingis,andmademepromisetodoitjustice.”
LucashadreallywonSandroover.
“So,you’regoingtocook?”Iaskedhimasheplacedapackageofflouronthecounter.Withoutanykindofwarning,theimageofLucascoveredinflour,smilingdownatme,ambushedmeandIalmoststumbledovermynextwords.“You’llcookforus?Andyou’llletmewatch?”
“Nope.”HewalkedtowhereIwas,andonlywhenhereachedme,Inoticedwhathewasholding.Anapron.“We’llcook.Together.BecauseIdeservealittlewatching,too.Don’tyouthink?”
BeforeIcouldreacttothat,hemovedbehindme,hisarmsgoingaroundmysides.
“Thespark,”hesaid,referencingphasetwooftheexperiment,“canbeexploredinmanydifferentways.”Icouldfeelthewarmthofhisbodyradiatingintomine,mybreathcatchinginmythroat.“Itcanbeaboutmorethanlightingcandles.”Hemovedcloser,hischestalmostbrushingmyback.“Itcanbeaboutsharingsomethingthat’simportanttoyou.”
Hischincameimpossiblyclosetomyshoulder.SoclosethatIwasprettysurewe’dshareournextbreathifItiltedmyheadtotheside.
“Itcanandshouldbeaboutseeingifthoseglimpsesyou’veofferedofyourselfareappealingtotheotherperson.Seeingiftheyreciprocateandrevealsomethingoftheirown,”hesaidsoftly,hiswordsfallingveryclosetomyear.“Let’ssuityouup.”
Inoddedmyhead,myheartthrummingwithasteadilyincreasedpace.
Lucasplacedtheapronagainstmyfrontandwrappedtheendsaroundmywaist.Theyweretoolong,sotheyfurledaroundmetwice,keepinghimonthetaskforalittlelonger.
Hisheadpeeredovermyshouldertogetaclearviewofhisownhands,andthesideofhisjawbrushedmycheek.
Onesoftandquickflickofhisstubbleagainstmyskin.Thatsimpleofatouch,anditsentmypulseallovertheplace.
BeforeIcouldstopmyself,beforeIcouldrestraintheneedtoleanintothecontact,mybodywasmovingback.Myshoulderbladescametorestagainsthischest,andthebackofmyheadagainsthisthroat.Warmthdrapedaroundme,turningmesuppleandaliveinhisarms.Allatonce.
Heheldhisground,welcomingmyweight,remindingmeofyesterday,ofourhug,onlydifferent.Thistime,itwasn’taboutcomfortandsupport.Thistime,everynerveendinginmybodycrackledwithelectricity.
“I’mmakingsuretheknotholds,”hesaidinalow,gravel-likevoice.
Inoddedmyhead,remainingverystillwhileIwatchedhisfingerswork.Oncedone,hispalmscametorestagainstmybelly.Asifincapableoflettinggo.
Myeyelidsflutteredclosedatthecontact,athowhishandswerenowpullingmetohimeversolightly.
Then,Iheardhimraspatmyear,“You’rereadynow.”
Openingbackmyeyes,Iswallowedtheneedtotanglemyfingerswithhisandpullhimevencloser.Allaroundme.“Thanks,”Ibreathedout.Then,lookeddown.“Itlookslikeyoudidaverythoroughjob.”
Lucas’sjawbrushedagainstmycheekagainandalltheairfrommylungscaughtsomewhereinmythroat.
“I’mathoroughman,”heanswered.“Idon’tdothingshalfway.”
Andwithoutanotherword,hesteppedaway,mywholebodyturningcoldatthelossofhisbodyheat.
IheardLucasclearhisthroatbeforehemovedbacktothecounter.
“Aren’tyougoingtowearanapron,too?”
“Idon’tthinkI’llneedone.”Thecornersofhislipstuggedupwhenhefacedme,asifnothinghadjusthappened.Although,whatjusthappened?“Now,comehere,Rosie.Youwon’tbeabletocookallthewayoverthere.”
“Okay.”Iobeyed,makingamoveinhisdirection.“Butdon’tthinkI’vemissedthewayyou’reimplyingI’mmessy.”
HebarkedoutalaughandmutteredsomethingIdidn’tcatchinSpanish.
Ileanedonthecounterandfrowned.“Whatdidyoujustsay?It’salittleunfairthatIcan’tunderstandthoselittlethingsyoumutterunderyourbreath.”
“Isaid,Dios,damepaciencia,”headmitted.“Whichmeans,‘God,givemepatience.’?”
Myeyesnarrowed.“Whatdoyouneedpatiencefor?I’mnotthatbadofacook.”
Lucasignoredmyteeny-tinylieanddraggedtheplasticcontainertowardme.“Stepone,westretchthedough.”
Hetookthelidoff,revealingtwosmoothballs.Hisindexfingerdelicatelypressedintooneofthem.“Thesehavebeenproofedalready;seehowthedoughbouncesback?”
Imitatinghim,Ipattedoneofthem,too.“Yes.Iseethat.AndIcanalsotellyou,mineneverlookslikethiswhenIattemptitathome.”
Alowchucklecamefrommyleft.“Icanshowyouhowit’sdonesomeotherday.Now,let’sdustthecountersoitdoesn’tsticktoit.”
Heturnedawayanddraggedtheflourclosertome.
“So,anexperimentaldateandamasterclass.I’maluckygirl.”Itooksomeflourwithmyfingersandsprinkledthecounter.“DidSandroleavetheseforus?Hemustreally,reallylikeyou.”
“Oh,Iwasn’tjokingwhenIsaidItotallywonhimover,”hesaid,addingsomemoreflourhimself.“Heevenwantstointroducemetooneofhisdaughters.”
Istiffened.
Lucascontinued,“ButIpreparedthesemyself.Icamebyearlytodayandlefteverythingreadyforus.Minusthecandles.ThoseIbroughtonlywhenthebosswasn’taround.”
WhateverjealousyIwasfeelingwaswipedclean.Hespentthedayatthepizzeria?WhileIwashomeworkingandthinkinghewasoutandaboutexploringthecity?
“Beforeyoucomplain.”Lucassnatchedoneofthedoughballsandplaceditinfrontofme.“Iwasverycuriousaboutthehydrationrateheused.Andtheonlywayhewasgoingtotalkaboutthatwasbyinfiltratinghiskitchen.”Heextractedtheotherpieceofdoughfromthecontainerandputitdownonhissideofthecounter.“Hewasreluctantatfirst,butwhenItoldhim…”Hetrailedoff,andheshookhishead.“Butheshareditwithme.”
“Whenyoutoldhimwhat?”Iasked,soeagerlythatIfelttheneedtocoverformyself.“Thatyouwouldmarryhisdaughterorsomething?”
Heshotmeaquickglance,amusemententeringhisexpression.“Youknowwhat?Hedidofferhisblessing.”
“Fab,”Isaid,returningtothedough.
Henudgedmewithhiship.“ItoldhimIwasn’tinthemarketforit.”
Somehowthatdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.
Anotherbumpofhishipagainstmyside.“Ascuteasyougetwhenyou’rejealous,Idon’twanttoseeyoufrowning,Rosie.”
“I’mnotfrowning,”Imuttered.“AndI’mnotjealous,either.”
Helaughed.“Allright,indexandmiddlefingerout,presssoftlyintothemiddleoftheball.JustlikeI’mdoing.”
Withmaximumcare,Ifollowedhislead.Switchingtomyknuckleswhenhetoldmetoandtryingreallyhardnottogetcaughtupinthemeticulousandconfidentmotionofhishands,whichbecameahardshipreallyquickly,becausethesightofLucas’shandsworkingwasturningme…unproductive.
“So,Rosie,”Lucassaid,liftingthedoughwithaslowspin.“Howmanywordsdidyougetinsinceourfirstdate?Anyluckwiththatinspiration?”
Imitatinghim,Iheldmydoughintheairbutitjust…stretcheddownlanguidly.“IthinkI’mdoingsomethingwrong.”
Hishandscameovermine,sendingasharpflareofelectricityupmyarms.
“Thanks,”Itoldhimquietly,lettinghimtakeovercontrolofmymotions.“Somewords,”IansweredjustsoIwouldn’tthinkofhiswarmpalmspressedagainstthebackofmymuchsmallerhands.“NotmanywithOllyandeverything.Butsome.Definitelysome.I’m…”
Hisstrongfingersintertwinedwithmineforamoment,distractingme.
“You’rewhat?”Hepressed.
Ourfingersworkedthedoughincircularmotions,andIhadtoclearmythroat.“Startingtofeeltheinspiration.”
Lucasmovedourhandstothecounter,restingthemonbothsidesofthestretcheddough.
“Justsoyouknow,I’mdyingtohearallthedetailsaboutOfficerBurns’sbestfriend.”
OfficerBurns?Holdon.DidthatmeanthatLucashad—
“Haveyoureadmyfirstbook?”Iblurtedout.
“I’mathoroughman,”hesaid,repeatinghisearlierwords,notansweringmyquestion.“AndIwon’taskabouttheseconduntilyou’redone.Idon’twanttojinxwhatwe’redoinghere.”
Iwrinkledmynose,notthinkingaboutLucasreadingthesteamyscenesofthebookbutfocusinginsteadonhowhappyitmademetohearhewasthatinvestedinthis.Inme.Inmywriting.Mybooks.I’dbeensobusytryingtoprotectmyselffromwhatanyonecouldsay,writinginsecret,hidingbehindapenname,thatIhadn’tsharedthiswithanybodybutLina.AndI…God,Ilovedhowitfelthearingthatthismancared.“Jinxit,huh?You’resuperstitious?”
“I’dlovetosayno,butI’dratherbitemyarmoffthanwalkunderaladder.”
Alaughburstoutofme.
Hefroze,asifthesoundhadcaughthimoffguard.Then,Ifeltmorethanheardhimexhalethroughhisnosebeforefinallysteppingaway,leavingmealittleunbalancedwithoutthesafetyofhishandsonmine.
“So…”Itrailedoff,recoveringasbestasIcould.“Whattoppingsareweusing?”
“Wehavealittlebitofeverything.ButIwantyoutobecreative.”
“Creativityhasn’tbeenmystrongsuitlately.”
“Rosie,”hesaidinawaythatmademelookoverathim,“Ibelieveinyou.I’mTeamRosie,remember?”
Ismiledtomyself,revelinginhowgood,howconfident,hearingthatmademefeel.Then,Ireachedforafewslicesofsomecuredsausageandworkedinsilenceforawhile.
“Iknowthisisnotexactlydate—experimentaldate—nighttalk,butI’vebeenmeaningtotellyouthatMr.Allencalledthismorning.”
“ThePsychoLandlord?”Lucasgrunted.
Hisreactionmadesomethinginmybellytumble.“Hesaidthecontractormighttakesomeadditionaltimetofinish.”
Lucasdidn’tsayanything,notrightaway.Thenhesighed.“You’reright,thisisnotdatenighttalk.”
Noddingmyhead,Itookafewmoreslicesofthesausage.“Iknow,butIjustwantedtosayhowgratefulIamforyoulettingmestayinLina’splacewithyouandthatifthisisturningintotoomuch,Icouldstilllookforsomeplaceelse.Justsaytheword.”
Heseemedtothinkabouthisanswer.“You’recomfortablestayingwithme.”
Myhandhaltedintheair.“Ofcourse,Iam.”
“Andifthere’ssomethingthatbothersyou,youwilltellme.”Heheldupapieceofjuicymozzarella.“Thiswillcomplementthefinocchionayou’vepicked.”Heshreddeditwithhisfingersroughly.“Evenifit’smesnoring.”
“Youdon’tsnore.”
“Ormebeingalittlechaoticinthekitchen.OrthemusicIplaywhenI’mcooking.You’dtellme,right?”
Hewasridiculous.“Lucas,it’syou,theonesleepingonacouchwhenyouwerepromisedacompletestudioapartment.Bedincluded.”Ishookmyhead,observingmywork.“Meanwhile,Ihaveahandsomemancookingdelicious,five-starmealsformeeverynightoftheweek.WhywouldIeverbeuncomfortable?”
“Hmm,okay,”Lucassaid,seeminglyappeased.“AndI’malsohappytohearyouthinkI’mallthathandsomeandirresistible.”
Oh,dammit.Thathadtotallyslipped
Irolledmyeyes.“Ididn’tsayanythingaboutbeingirresistible.”
“Ahem.”
“Andit’snotlikeyoudidn’tknowyou’rehandsome.”Orirresistible.
Iglancedtomylefttofindhimleaningonhisside,hisarmscrossedinfrontofhischestcasually,hisgazeonme.Infact,helookedlikehe’dbeendonewithhispizzaforalongtime.
Withoutthinkingtoomuchaboutit,Isaid,“You’vedatedplenty.”Iusedhisownwords.“Allthosegirlsmusthavetoldyouyou’rehandsome.”
Heshrugged.“You’vebeenmyfirstdateinalongtimesomaybeIneededthereminder.”
Experimentaldate,Ifelttheneedtocorrecthim.Evenifonlyformyself.
Isearchedhisface.“Youneversaidwhyyou’renotdatinganymore.”
“It’snotsomethingIcanfocusonrightnow.”
“Becauseofyourcareerasapro?”
Lucashesitated,andIwatchedashadowcrosshisfeatures.“Somethinglikethat.”
Ididn’twanttorevealmyself,myfeelings,butIhadtoask.“Areyouexcitedtoreturn?Afteryourecoverfrom…whateverhappened?”HiseyesnarrowedslightlyandIfelttheneedtosay,“Linasaidyouweresmashingcompetitionaftercompetition.Youhadsponsors,andsocialpresence…Youwerekillingit.Beforethebreak.”LinahadnevertoldmeallthatmuchaboutLucas.I’dgatheredmostinfofromhissocialmedia.Fromhowmuchhehadsharedonlinebeforehe’dvanishedcompletelyweeksbeforethewedding.“So,Ijustwondered.”
Lucasswallowed.AndhestayedquietsolongthatIthoughthewasn’tgoingtosayanything.Istartedturningawayfromhim,justtohidethedisappointmentofhimnotconfidinginme,butjustasImoved,hishandwrappedaroundmyelbow.
“Ican’tdoanyofitanymore,Rosie,”hesaid,andIcouldfeeltheweightbehindhiswords,asifthesewererockshewashardlyabletolift.“I…won’tbeabletosurfeveragain.NotatthelevelIdid.Notevenclose.”HisgazetippeddowntothelegIknewbotheredhimmorethanhewantedtoshow.“So,thatcareerasapro?It’snotexactlystoppingmefromanything.Especiallynotdating.WhatwillIbeofferinganyoneanyway,huh?”
Andoh.
OhmyGod.Thiswasn’tjustavacation.Hewasn’ttakingtimeofftorecoverfromanything.
AndI…Lord,Iwantedtowrapmyarmsaroundhim.Tosmackmyselfforaskingthosequestionsbecauseitmusthavebeensoincrediblyhardforhimtoanswerthem.
Ialsowantedhimtotellmeeverything.Howhefeltandhowithadhappened.IwasonthequesttoknowalltherewastoknowaboutLucasMartínanditwasn’tbecauseIwascurious,butbecauseIcared.
ButLucaslookedatmelikehe’djustbeencutopen,exposed,andhadnothingleftinhimtodealwiththatconversation.SoIdidn’task.Thiswasbigenoughalready.He’dgivenmeameaningful,crucialpartofwhohewastoday.Now.NotthesocialmediapersonaheoncehadbeenthatIhadhappenedtospyon.
“You’renotdefinedbyacareer,Lucas.”Iletmyhandfallontopofhis,verybriefly,justsoIdidn’tlacemyfingerswithhislikeIwasdesperatetodo.“You’rewaymorethanjustthat.Youhavemoretooffer,too.”
Heblinked,amuscleinhisjawjumping,hisgazecloudingwithsomethingthatlookedalotlikewonder.Awe.Also,surprise.
Andjustasquickly,hewaswalkingoff,severingthecontact,andreappearingwithalargewoodenspatula.
Heleaneddownonthecounter,assessingmyworklikewehadn’thadthatconversation.“Goodjob,Rosie.Ithinkyoumighthaveaknackforthis.”
Heslidmypizzaontothespatulaandlefttoputitintheoven.Itooktheopportunitytocheckhistoppingschoice.“Whoa.Isthathoneythatyoudrizzledonyours?”
“Yes,”hesaidwhenhecamebackandrepeatedtheprocesswithhispizza.“Pear,walnuts,someprosciuttobecauseIcouldn’tfindanyjamónthatwasworthourtime,andalittleofbluecheese,too.”
Hewalkedbacktotheoven,andmygazefollowedhimthistime,gettingcaughtupinthewayhisbackshiftedasheslidthespatulainandout.Musclesmovedandrolled,makingmethinkofhiminthewater.Him,aboardunderneathhisbody.Andhim,notabletojumpononeanymore.
“…Orinotherwords,”Lucaswassaying,“anyItalian’snightmare.”
HestrolledbacktowhereIwasatthecounter,andInoddedmyhead,fullyawarethatIhadspacedout.“Yes,totalnightmare.”
“Youdidn’tlistentoawordIsaid,huh?”
“What?Ofcourse,Idid.”
Hesnickeredknowingly.“RosalynGraham,andyoudaredenyI’mirresistible.”
Iwasreadytodenyitagain,butnowthathewasstandingcloser,notmorethanafootaway,IcouldseethatthetipofhisnosewascoveredinfloursoItoldhim,“YouregoissobigthatIshouldprobablyletyouwalkaroundtherestofthenightlikethisbut…youhavesomethingonyourface.”Ibroughtmyindexfingertomynose,pointinghimintherightdirection.“Righthere.”
Hedraggedthebackofhishandacrosshisnoseandcheek,butonlymadeitworse.Heasked,“Now?”
“Yep,”Iliedthroughmysmile.“Muchbetter.”
Henarrowedhiseyes,inspectingmyface.“It’snotgone,isit?”
Ishookmyheadandfinallyletoutalaugh.
Lucas’spalmreturnedtohisface,buthemusthavecoveredhishandsinflourwhenheslidthepizzasontothespatula,becausehesomehowmanagedtopainthischinwhite,too.“Howaboutnow?”
Ilaughedharder.Smiledbigger.
“Comehereandtakepityonme,woman.”Heheldbothhandsintheair,lookingathispalms.“Fixmeup,beforeIendupcompletelycoveredinit.”
“Butyoulooksoooocute.”
Hesentmeadarklookthatmademeimmediatelymove,closingthesmalldistancebetweenusandstoppingrightinfrontofhim.Iheldmyhandupintheair,reachingforhisfacebutnotmakingcontact.AndIswore,I’dnever—ever—understandwhatgotintometosaywhatIsaidnext.
“MaybeIlikeyoucoveredinflour.”
Lucas’seyessparkledwithsurprise.Somethingwarmandsultry,too.
Mysmilediedslowly.MylefthandreachedfortheremnantsofflourthathadbeencoveringthecounterandIcoveredmyfingersinit.
“Rosie,”Lucasrasped.“Don’t.”
Butthatonlyencouragedme.
ImadesuretomeethisgazewhenIsmudgedtheflouralloverhisleftcheek.
Lucas’sexpressionmorphed,thatintensityI’dgottenglimpsesofinourfirstdateswirlingin.AndjustasIwasabouttoretrievemyhand,hisfingersclosedaroundmywrist.Heaskedinagravel-liketone,“Youwantmemessyorcute,Rosie?”
Mybellytookadeepdiveatthequalityofhisvoice,ofhisgaze,ofhiswords.Iswallowed.“Both.”
Withoutbreakingeyecontact,Lucasleanedforward,toweringovermewithhisflour-coveredfaceandmakingmetiltmyheadback.“Youcan’thaveboth.Choose.Whatwillinspireyoutonight,Rosie?”
“Messy,”Ibreathedout.
Outofthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchedhimstickhisthumbinthetomatosaucecontainer.Then,hewasmoving,shiftingussomybackwasagainstthecounter,mywriststillinhishold.
BeforeIcouldfullyprocessanyofthat,histhumbwassweepingovermynose,leavingastickytrailbehind.“ThenI’llmakeamessofyou,too.”Ifelthisbreathonmymouth.Hisbodycomingcloser.“EversinceItiedthatapronaroundyou,I’vebeenstoppingmyselffromdoingexactlythat,anyway.”
Anuproartookplaceatthepitofmystomachathisconfession,butjustasIwasabouttoanswer,toaskhimtopleaseshredtheaprontopiecesifhehadto,histhumbreachedthecornerofmymouth.Itsweptrightandleft.
“Haveyoueverfeltthisonadatebefore,Rosie?”Hisvoicewaslow,barelyagrumble,butitreacheddeepinsideofme.
Ishookmyhead.Mypulseracedthroughmybody,reachingareasthathadbeenneglectedandwerenowwideawake.
“Isthisastrongenoughsparkforyou?”Hisgazedippeddowntomylips,whereIwassmearedwithtomatosauce.Iwatchedhisthroatbob.“BecauseIcantryharder.Foryou,Iwill.”
Ashivercurleddownmyspinewhenhishandmovedandcuppedthebackofmyneck.Lucasleanedforward,pushingmesoftlyagainstthecounteratmyback,hisbodyheatnowblanketingallaroundmyfront.Mylipspartedatthecontactandhisgazemovedtomymouthagain
Thebrowninhiseyesflaredlikechocolatefire.
Hisbrowfurrowed.
Hisbrowfurrowed?
Andthenthesmellhitus.
“?Joder!”HereleasedmeandsprungbackwardwithatrailofcursesinSpanish.
Ihadtocatchmyselfonthecounter
Whatthehellhadjusthappened?
Regrouping,Itriedtomakesenseofthepoundinginmychest,thetomatosaucetricklingdownmyface,thescentofsmokefloodingAlessandro’s.
Thescentof…smoke.
“Ohcrap!”Isnappedintoaction,joiningLucasattheovenandpeekingatthecharredremainsofwhathadoncebeentwopizzas.CHAPTERFIFTEENLucas
Sandrowasgoingtohavemyhead.KnockmeoutwithoneofhisspatulasandflingmyunconsciousbodyintotheEastRiver,justlikehe’dthreatened.
MaybeRosiewouldhelphim.Becausetalkaboutruiningadate.Iseemedtohaveaknackforthat.
SomethingelseIhadaknackfor?Gettingdistracted.Parkingcommonsenseatthecurbandlosingperspectiveofthelinesthatweredrawnaroundme.Theonesthathadseemedtoblurtonight.Orhadthey?Becausethathadbeenthewholepointoftheexperiment.Jump-startherinspiration.Helpingherforgetabouteverythingweighingonherandmakeherfeelsomethingelse.ThatwasallIwanted.
No,notallIwanted.TheimageofRosieinmyarms,allsuppleagainstme,readytoletmelickthatgoddamntomatosauceoffherlips,flashedbehindmyeyes.
Untiltoday,Ihadbeensomewhatabletoignorethepullshe’dhadonme,tohideitbeneaththefactthatIgenuinelyenjoyedhercompanyasafriend.ThatItruly,honestly,wantedtobecomeevenbetterfriendsthanwewere.Butnow?Aftertonight?Afterthelineshadblurredlongenoughformetolosemyselftothatall-consumingspark?
Longenoughformetoburnsomething?Notsomething,butfood.
PorDios.Now,pretendingshedidn’thaveanyeffectonmedidn’tlooklikesomethingI’dbeabletodo.
“Ithinkwedidaprettygoodjobcleaning,”Rosieannouncedbesidemeaswemadeourwaybacktotheapartment.“Sandromightnotevennoticeanything.”
Ilookedbothwaysattheintersection,asIplacedmyhandonthesmallofherbackbeforecrossing.“Hopefully,”Ianswered,stillalittlelostinmyhead.
Wehadspentagoodhourscrubbingthatoven—afterwaitingforittocooldownsowewouldn’tburnourselves.Ihopedwe’dremovedeverylastblackspeckofcharreddoughfromtheoven.“Eitherway,Idon’tthinkit’saboutourcleaningskills.Ithinkwejustmakeagreatteam,Ro.”
Rosie’smouthtwitched,returningmysmile.“Iguesswedo.”
“So.”Icheckedthetimeonmywatchandthrewthedoorofthebuildingopenforher.“It’spastmidnightandIhaven’tfedyouyet.Howhungryareyou?”
“I’mokay,”shesaidclimbingthestairsbeforeme.“ButIwouldn’tmindorderingsomethingifyou’renottootiredtowaitfordelivery.”
Myeyes,whichhadbeengluedtothebackofherhead,traveleddownherspine,reachingherbackside.Herhipsandassswayedasshemadeherwayup,andIfoundmyselfalittlemesmerizedbythemotion.Byherbeautifulcurves.
Ifeltmypacepickup,asifIwasinarushtogetclosertoher.Shakingmyhead,Imademyselfchill.ToldmyselfthatIcouldn’tpantafterherlikeahornyteenager.Iwasherfriend.Herroommate.
Justlooksomewhereelse,Lucas.
Rosiestoppedinfrontoftheapartmentdoor,givingmeastrangelook.“So,whatdoyousay?”
WhatdoIsay?“To…what?”
Shefrowned.“Shouldwegetsomethingdelivered?Idon’tthinkIwantpizzaafterscrapingburntdough.”Shepaused.“HowaboutJapanese?”
“Ah…Idon’tknow.”Ipulledoutmykeysandturnedthelock.
“Letmesurpriseyou,”sheinsistedasIletherinfirst.“You’realwayscookingforme.AndIcan’treallyreturnthefavor,soletme.It’smyturntofeedyou.”
Ilikedthat.Ilikedhearingthatfromher.
Shewalkedtothecoffeetable,slippedoffherboots,grabbedherlaptop,andploppedherselfontothesofa.“You’llloveit,Ipromise.”
Ijoinedheronthesofa,lettingmyselffallwithasigh.“Idon’tknow…”
Sheglancedatmeoverherlaptop.“Youdon’ttrustme?”
“What?”Isaid,butitcameoutasagrunt.Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“It’snotthat.”
“Thenwhatisit?”
Iexhaledthroughmynose,confidentIwaspouting,too.
Hersockedfootnudgedmythigh.“Whatisit?Tellme.”
“I’mhungry,okay?”Igrumbled.“I’mstarvingandIwasveryexcitedaboutthosepizzas.Butnow,I’mnotinthemoodforpizza,either.Ican’tgetthatsmelloutofmynostrils.”
“And?”Shenudgedmeagainwithherfoot,andbecauseIcouldn’thelpmyself,Igrabbedit,wrappingmyfingersarounditandsecuringitinmyhold.
Isweptmythumboverherinstep.“AndyouwantJapanese,butsushialwaysleavesme…unsatisfied.”Hungry.Soonenough,hangry
Rosiewastakinghertimeanswering,soIlookedather.Shewasstaringatmyhand,rightasitmassagedherfoot
Lines,Lucas.Lines.MyfingersstoppedbutIdidn’treleaseher.
“We’llgetsomethingthat’snotsushi.Andyou’llloveit,you’llsee.”Shereturnedhergazetoherlaptop.“I’malittleoffendedthatyouwon’ttrustmytaste,though.So,ifyouwanttomakeituptome,youshouldcontinuewiththatfootmassage.”
Keepingthesweet,delightfulsurprisetomyself,Iobeyed.Happytobegiftedwithyetanothergreenlighttonight.
That,untilshemutteredunderherbreath,“Cheesy,bossy,andgrumpy.Whowouldhavethought?”AndIstoppedmassagingherfoottotickleherinstead.
Thatnightweonlylastedtwoepisodesofourshowbeforecallingitadayandheadingtosleep.
“Lucas?”Rosiewhisperedloudlyfromthemasterbed.
Ismiledupattheceilingfromthecouch.“Rosie?”
“DidyouliketheChickenKaraage?”
“Itwasokay.”Ithadn’tbeenjustokay.
Myheadwasalreadyponderinghowtoreproducethewaythey’dbreadedthechickenandmaybeevengiveitatwist.Icouldaddcrumbledcrackersorevenveryfinelychoppednutsmarinatedinsoysauce.Icould—
“Liar,”Rosiecalled.“Isawyoulickingthecontainerlidswhenyoutookeverythingtothekitchen.”
Busted
Ithrewanarmupandrestedmyhandunderthebackofmyhead.“Fine,itwasfuckingfantastic.Youwereright,andI’dlickthosecontainersagainiftherewasanythingleftonthem.”
Shelaughedandthesoundmadethecornersofmylipsinchevenhigher.Itwasabeautifulsoundanditdidn’tcomeoutnearlyoftenenough.
“Whyareyoutryingtoplaythetoughguycardandsayingitwasjustokay?”
Iwentwiththetruth.“Becausetheplanhadbeentofeedyouthosepizzas.Andburningthembruisedmyego.”
Wefellintosilenceforacoupleofminutes,myheadgoingstraightbackintomygutter.Thinkingofher,oftonight.OfherpartedmouthandhowI’dwantedtodipmyheadandlickherbottomlip—
Icursedmyselfwhenmysweatsgotalittletighteratthecrotch.
“Lucas?”Rosiecalled.
WhenIansweredmyvoicewasthicker.“Yeah?”
“Tonightwasamazing.Regardlessofthepizzas.”
“I’mhappyithelped,Rosie.”
“Itwasn’tjustthat,”shereplied.“Sure,ithelped.Morethanyouknow,butI…lovedit.ItwasthebestseconddateI’veeverbeenon.Idon’tdeserveyougoingoutofyourwaysomuchforme—forthis,”shecorrectedherself.“Fortheexperiment.”
Somethinginmyribcageshifted.“Yourbarissolow,Rosie.Itdrivesmeinsane.”
Abeatofsilence.
“Whydoyousaythat?”shefinallyasked.“Ithinkmystandardsarenormal.”
Thefactthatshebelievedthatmadeitallevenworse.“Youshouldn’tbecontentwithadatethatendsupwithyouscrapinganovenclean,”Itoldher,andIcouldhearthefrustrationinmyvoice.“Orstandingontopofacounter,terrified.”Iclosedmyeyesforacoupleofseconds,needingthetimetostifletheurgetosaymorethanIshould.“Youdeservesomuchbetterthananyofthat.Whetherit’sanexperimentornot,youdeservemore.”
Noanswercamefromher.AndIhatedthatIhadsnappedlikethatandcouldn’tseeherfaceinthedark.
OnlywhenI’dgivenupandthoughtshe’dfallenasleep,shespoke,“Iwishyou’dattendedLinaandAaron’swedding,Lucas.I…”Shetrailedoff,whatsoundedlikeashakybreathchasingherwords.“IreallywishI’dmetyouthatday.”
Mychestconstricted.
AndIthoughtaboutthatforthefirsttime.Thatalternativerealitywherewe—Rosie,themaidofhonor,andLucas,thebride’soldercousin—wouldhavemetandperhapshadaglassofwineortwo.Maybeadance.Hopefullyalittlemorethanjustthat.GodknowsIwouldhavetried.
ButIwasn’tthatmananymore.Icouldn’t…hopeformorewithanybodywhenIdidn’tevenhavemyownshittogether.Andwewerefriends,roommates.AndIlovedthat.Sparkornot,IlovedhavingRosieinmylife.
Fornow,Iremindedmyself.BecauseinthreeweeksIwasgoingtoleave.
AndthatwassomethingIshouldn’tforget.
Whateverexistedbetweenusdidn’tchangethefacts.
AndI’dbeendeadseriouswhenItoldhershedeservedmore.
Mylegactedupduringthenight.
Andthatmeantalongerthannecessaryshower.
Afterweeksoftravelingandstayingonmyfeetalmostallday,alongdaylikeyesterdayhadthiskindofeffect.
Itwasthepricetopayforignoringphysicaltherapyandskippingmorethanathirdofthesessionsadvised.Butwhatpointwasthere?I’dbeentoldsinceI’dwokenupinthathospitalbedinFrancethattherewasnogoingbacktohundredforme.So,Ijust…didn’tbothertrying.IletthemdowhatevertheyneededtoandthemomentIcouldwalkwithoutanobviouslimp,Iwenthome.Home
Taco’simageflashedinmymind.
Butbesidesmybestfriend,andmyfamily,whatdidIhaveleftinSpaintocallithome?Thefeelingofbelonginghaddulledsincetheaccident.Itwasasifsomethingwasmissing.Itnolongercalledmeback.AndIhadnofamilyofmyown.NooneIcalledmineandlongedtogobackto.Withallthetravelinganddemandsofmycareerthathadnever…happened.
Withashakeofmyhead,Iturnedoffthewaterandwrappedatowelaroundmywaistbeforesteppingoutofthebathroom.Feelingstrangelyweary,IcametothedecisionthatI’daskRosieifshemindedhavingmearoundtoday.Evenshewasplanningtowrite,Icouldbequietandkeeptomyself.
Ithrewthebathroomdooropen,andmygazeimmediatelyzeroedinonmyroommateasshestoodthereinhersleepingshortsandtee.Dios,thoseshortsweregoingtobetheendofmeoneofthesedays.“Morning,Ro—”
“Tevoyamatar.”Thethreattomylifecutmywordsrightoff.Itcamefromsomewheretomysideanditwasdeliveredbyafamiliarvoicethatshouldn’tbehere.Unless—
“Lucas,?quéestápasandoaquí?”
Thequerywassputtered,anditwasonlythenthatInoticedRosie’sface.Thewarning.Thepainedexpression.
Iturnedveryslowly.“Hola,prima,”Isaid,welcomedbyLina’scontortedface.Myeyesjumpedtothemanstandingbesideher.Hiseyeswereonmeandwhiletheylookedalittlelessmurderous,theystillmanagedtobethreatening.“Nicetomeetyou,Aaron,”Icontinued.“Congratulationsonthemarriagetothislittletreasurehere.”
Aarondidn’tevengivemeadude-nod;hejustcockedabrowandgreetedmewithacurt,“Yes.”
Yes,towhatexactly,Ihadnoidea.Butbythelooksofit,itprobablymeantthatadoubleasswhoopingwasinthecardsformetoday.
Astrangesoundcamefrommycousin,returningmyattentiontoher.“Whyareyouroamingaroundhalfnaked?”Thatlastwordwasahigh-pitchedsqueak.Ilookeddown,takinginmybarechest,thetowelwrappedaroundmyhips.Mymouthopened,butLinaletoutanotherstrangledsound,stoppingme.“Whyismybestfriendhere,inherpajamas,soearlyinthemorning,withyou”—shepaused—“halfnaked?”
“Lina,”Rosieinterjected,comingtomysidequickly.“It’snotwhatyouthink.”
Lina’sforeheadvein,theoneIhadmemorizedfromwhenwewerekids,pulsed.“It’snotwhatIthink?”sheaskedbeforepointingafingeratme.“Ishewearingsomekindofinvisiblesweater?”
Isnorted,andIfeltRosie’selbowonmyside.Onreflex,withouteventhinkingaboutwhatIwasdoingbecauseIhadn’tevenhadmygoddamnbreakfastandnotthinkingseemedtobemythinglately,Igrabbedherarmandmuttered,“Notnice,Rosie.”
Whichclearlywasamistakebecausemycousinstiffened,herfaceturningevenredder.
“Beforeyoustartjumpingtocrazyconclusions—”
ButLinalungedforward,succumbingtoallandeverycrazyconclusionshecouldpossiblycomeupwith.
Luckily,herhusbandinterceptedher,snakingastrongarmaroundherwaist.“Baby,”hetoldher,securingheragainsthim.“Don’t.”
Atthesametime,Rosiecried,“Whatthehell,Lina?”
ButLinawasbusygrowlingandpointingatinyfistatme.“Thisismybestfriend,younitwit.”Shewavedthatarmintheair.“Mybestfriendinthewholeworld.Couldn’tyoukeepyourLucasjujutoyourself?Couldn’tyoukeepyourpenisinyoursillynitwitpants?”
IshouldhaveprobablybeenoffendedbyLinaactinglikemyLucasjujuhadjustruinedherbestfriend,butIwasn’t.Inthatmoment,IcouldonlyfocusonhowdistressedRosielooked,andhowherlipwasdoingthatthingitdidwhenshewasupset.Trembling.AndIknewthereason.IknewRosiewellenoughbynowtoguessthatshewasfeelingresponsibleforthis.ThatshefeltguiltovernottellingLinathatwehadbeensharingthestudio.
ThatwaswhyIloweredmyheadalittleandwhisperedtoher,“Whatthehellisanitwit?”
Herheadturnedveryslowlytowardme,andwhenshelookedupatme,itwaswithwonderinhereyes.Also,alittlehumor.JustlikeI’dwanted.“Lucas,beserious,”shereprimandedme.Butatleast,herlipwasnotdoingthatthinganymore.
“Aaron,amormío,”Linasaid,returningmetothematterathand.“CanyoupleaseputmedownsoIcankickmycousin’snitwitnuts?Apparently,hethinksthisisallajoke.”
Aaronrolledhiseyesslightly,butthen,hepinnedmewithaseriouslook.Intimidating-lookingdude,hewas.Alltallandscowly.Notthathewasintimidatingme,though.TheonlypersonintheroomIwasslightlyscaredofwas5’4”andhadaveinthatmightpopoutofherforehead.
“Okay.”Isighed.“Youneedtocalmdown,”Itoldmycousin.“Wespentthenighttogether,here,inyourapartment.Butit’snotwhatyouthink,allright?”
Lina’seyesnarrowed.Aaron’sheadtilted.
Icouldseemycousin’sskepticismalloverherface.“There’sonlyonebed,Lucas.AndshouldIrepeatthatyou’repracticallynaked?”
IknewLina;Iknewshewouldn’tdropthisuntil…theendoftimes.Shewasasstubbornastheycame.So,IsaiditasclearlyasIpossiblycould:“RosieandIhaven’tfucked.”
Iheardmyroommate’ssharpintakeofbreathatmywords,butIignoredit.Ihadto.Iwasinatowelandtryingtomakeapoint,forChrist’ssake.
Linaletoutastrangesound.
Afterafewseconds,Rosietookasmallstepforward.“Rememberthosemissedcalls?Soonafteryouleft?”
Linanodded,hermurderouseyessofteningwhentheyswitchedtoRosie.
“Well,thatnighttherewasa…alittleincidentinmyapartment.”
Ihuffed.“Theceilinginherlivingroomcavedin.Nothinglittleaboutit.”
“Fine,”Rosierelented.“Littleornot,Icouldn’tstaythere.Infact,myplaceisoutofcommissionuntiltherepairsaredone.That’swhyI’mhere.That’swhyIcalledyouthatnight,toseeifitwasokaytospendafewnightsinyourapartment.Butyouguysweresomewhereoffthegrid,soIjustpackedmystuffandusedyoursparekey.ThatwasthenightLucasarrivedinNewYork.”
TherewasalongsilenceinwhichAaronresumedhisfrowningandLina’sveineasedoffuntilbecomingbarelynoticeableanymore,graciasaDios.
Mycousinfinallysaid,“Soyoutwo”—shewavedahandinourdirection—“havebeenlivinghere?Together?”
InoddedandcaughtRosiedoingthesame.
“Whichmeans,”Linacontinued,“thatyouhaven’thookedupandthatwehaven’twalkedintoyoutwoengaginginpost-sexshenanigans?”
Rosiecroaked,hercheeksturningred,“Post-sexshenanigans?”
Ijustcrossedmyarmsovermynakedchestandansweredasimple,“No.”
Linaseemedtoprocessthat,herexpressionfallingwhenshesaid,“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
Rosiespokebeforeme,“Ifeelawfuland—”
“Itwasme,”Itookover.“IconvincedRosiethatweshouldn’tbotheryou.Thattherewasnopointintellingyouanyway.”
Rosie’sheadturned,lookingatmeforabeatbeforereturningtoherbestfriend.“I’msosorry,Lina.Weshouldhavetoldyou.Wereally,reallyshouldhave.Butwedidn’twanttoworryyouovernothing.AndI…well,witheverythinggoingonIforgotyouwerereturningtodaysoIcouldn’tevengiveyouaheads-up.”
Linanoddedslowly,assessingtheinformation,lookingmoresadthanpissedoff.
IsensedAaron’sgazeonme.Hiseyeswerenarrowed,butnotinadisapprovingway.
“Lucashasbeensogreattome,”Rosiemurmured,takingacoupleofstepsforward.Andwhenshespokenext,hervoiceseemedtopickup,turningsteadier.“No.He’sbeenthebest.Infact,Idon’tknowwhyyou’vebeensohardonhim.Becausehe’sakindman.Considerate,too.Andhe’sdonenothingbutmakemefeelsafe.So,noone’snutsshouldbekickedhere.Especiallynothis.”
HearingRosiesaythosethingsaboutmemademewishIwasn’tstandinginatowelinfrontofmyinquisitivecousinandherhusband.BecauseIwantedtowrapmyarmsaroundherandbringhertomychest.SqueezeherrightintomybodyforwhatIknewwouldbeawildlyinappropriateamountoftime.
Becauseshe’dstoodupforme.
NotevenI’dthoughtofdoingthat.I’dbeenreadytotakethebeating.
Iswallowed,pushingdownhowthatmademefeel.
Lina’smouthparted,herbodynowlaxinAaron’sarms.AndAaronwas…smiling?Ifthebarelytherebentofhislipscouldbeconsideredone.
ItwasLinawhobrokethesilence,andhervoicewasbacktonormal,hertonegentleandsweet.“So,you’resureyou’renothookingup?”
Rosiehuffed.“Lina.Wouldyoujuststopaskingthatquestion?We’renothavingsex.”
“Noflirting?”mycousincontinued.“Intensestaring?Sensualtouching?Heavypetting?Kissing?Frenchornot,bothcountinmybook.”
“Déjaloya,Lina,”Itoldher,eventhoughshemighthavebeenontosomething.Ididn’thaveasingleissueadmittingtoherthatRosieandIweregoingonexperimentaldates,forherbook,butI’dneverdothatwithoutcheckinginwithRosiefirst.Beingresearchpartnersmeantsomething.Wewereateam.“RosieandIarefriends.”
Andaboveallelse,wewere.
Mycousinstaredintoherbestfriend’seyesforalongtime,andwhenshefinallylookedatme,shesaid,“Ellaesmimejoramiga.Comounahermanaparamí.”She’smybestfriend.Likeasistertome.“Esdemasiadobuena.”She’stoogood.
Forme.
Linahadn’tsaidthat,butIknewitfollowedthatstatement.
AndIdidn’tdisagree.
Rosiewasoutofmyleague.Womenlikeherdidn’tgoaroundwithmenthathadlostsomuch,whohadnothinglefttooffer.Menthatwouldn’tevenstayinthecountryformorethanafewweeks.
Linalockedeyeswithmeforalongmoment,thenpointedafingeratRosie.“Amoment.”Shewaveditinthehallway’sdirection.“Alone,please.”
Aaronfinallyreleasedhiswife,butnotbeforekissinghertemple,andmurmuring,“Begood.”
Rosiesentmeaquicklook,andIwinkedatherbeforewatchingherfollowherbestfriendout,leavingAaronandmebehind.
“So…”Isaidwithasigh.“Doyouthinkmynutsareoutofthewoodsyet?”
Hiseyesjumpedtotheentrancedoor,asifhecouldseerightthroughit,thenbackatme.“Ifyouplayyourcardsright.”
Icockedabrow.“Andbyrightyoumean…”
Themancrossedhisarmsoverhischestandconsideredhisanswer.“Lina’smorebarkthanbite.”Hisgazedartedinthedirectionofhiswifeagain,thenbackatme.“Shelovesyou,Lucas.Shewassoexcitedtoseeyouthatwecameherestraightfromtheairport.Unannounced.”Thatwarmedaspotinmychest.IlovedLina,too.Ofcourse,Idid.“ButIdon’tthinkI’llbeable—orwant—toholdherdownifyouhurtRosie.”
Icouldtellhewasn’tbullshittingme.He’dprobablyhelpifIeverhurtRosie.AndIlikedthat,IlikedknowingthatpeoplelikeAaronandLinahadRosie’sback.
ThatwaswhyIlookedathimstraightintheeyewhenIsaid,“I’dneverhurther.Icouldneverdothat.”
Aaron’slipstippedupinasurprisinglybrightsmile.“Iknow.”CHAPTERSIXTEENRosie
Linashookherhead.
“What?”Iwhispered.“What’sthatexasperatedlookfor?”
WewereinourfavoritecaféinManhattan,hoursafterLinahadshownupatherapartmentandlearnedofLucasandmyarrangement,anddemandedwemeetagainintheeveningtotalk.
Notjusttalk.Buttalk.Awayfromthemen.
“Don’twhatme,”Linaanswered,exhalingforcefullyforwhathadtobethehundredthtime.“Youknowwhat.IgoonmyhoneymoonforafewweeksandwhenIcomeback,Ifindyouall…cozyandhomeywithmycousin.”
“You’reright,”Itoldher,becauseshewas.“Weshouldhavetoldyouaboutitfromdayone.Ifeelterrible,Lina.Awfulforoccupyingyourapartmentlikethiswithoutyouknowing.”
Linagroaned.“It’snotthatI’mupsetabout,Rosie.”
TheimpulsetocomeinLucas’sdefenseresurfaced,butItoldmyselftopushitdown.Ihadofficiallyknownthemanforclosetothreeweeks,soitwasn’tmyplace,Iguessed.I’dsaidenoughthismorning.“Whatisit,then?WhatisitaboutLucasandIbeingfriendsthatbothersyousomuch?”
“Ilovehim,okay?”Sheheldbothhandsup.“Outofallmycousins,LucasistheoneI’mclosestto.So,whenIsayIlovehim,Idon’tmeanitina‘Iputupwithhimbecausehe’sblood’kindofway.He’slikethebigbrotherIneverhad.Andthat…Idon’tknow.Maybethat’spartoftheissue.Theideaofhimgettingbetweenusandhurtingyoumakesmewanttocuthis—”
“Okay.”Istoppedherthere,beforeshestartedthrowingthreatsaroundagain.“Firstofall,noone’sgettingbetweenyouandme,okay?I’mserious.”
Shenodded.
“Now,”Icontinued.“Whydoyouassumehe’sgoingtohurtme?IsthatrelatedtowhateverLucasjujuyoumentionedthismorning?”
Linashrugged.“Maybe.”
“Canyouexplainittome?Tellmewhy?”
Lina’shandsdrapedaroundhercoffeemug,bringingittoherlips.“Fine.”Shetookasipbeforecontinuing:“Lucas’ssuperpowerismakingpeoplelovehim,andasannoyingashewaswhenwewerekids,heislovable.Sometimes.Andtrustme,Iknowhehasapantie-droppingsmile,andthathe’sgood-lookinginthis…easyway.AndIalsoknowhecanbefunny,too,okay?”
“Okay,”Imurmured.Becausehewasallthosethings.Ontopofthemany,manyotherthingsthatmademelikehimsomuch.
Linatappedhernailsonhermug.“Heisallofthat,andyethe’sneverbroughtawomantoafamilygathering.He’sneverhadaseriousrelationship.Notsince…Idon’tknow,highschool?”
“LorenaNavarro,”IwassayingbeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing.
“Howtheheck—”
“Wetalk,”Isaidquickly.“Hementionedhername.”
Ilookedbehindher,pretendingIwasinspectingthebeautifulflowersadorningthewindow,because,God,Iwasgettingsogoodatthis“lyingbyomission”gameIwasplaying.Andtheskilldidn’tfeelgood.Ihatedmyselfforit.ButhowcouldItellLinathatherfearwasinfactadisasterwaitingtohappen?ThatLucas’sjujuworked,andthatitworkedsowell,hismagicwasactuallyhelpingmewithmybook?Thattoday,afterLinaandAaronhadleftI’dbeenfinallywriting?Thatanozzlehadbeenturnedonandastreamofemotionsandideasandinspirationwasstartingtopourout?
Linafrownedbutseemedtobuymyexplanation.“It’snotlikehe’sbeeninaplacelongenoughforarelationshiptostick.Andwithallthosetournamentsallaroundtheworld,hespendssixmonthsawayandthenhe’sbackhomeforanothersix.Orjustthree.Orwhoknows.So,Iguessitmakessensethathe’sneversettleddown?”
Noonehaseverbrokenhisheart,he’dsaid.
Andyet,nomatterhowmuchhetraveled,itseemedlikeawondertomethatnoonehadsnatchedhimupsofar.
“Himbeinghere,onvacation,it’snodifferent,”Linacontinued.
Ithoughtbacktolastnight,Lucasconfidinginmeabouthisinjury.Noonebutmeknewthathisbreakwaspermanent.
Ineededtobecarefulwithmychoiceofwords.“Howisitnotdifferent?”
“Who’ssayinghewon’tusehisjujuonyou?You’llgiggle.He’llsmirk.Youtwowilldothenasty.He’llleave.Andboom.”
Iswallowed,thethoughtofhimleavingmakingmedizzyforallkindsofreasons.“Andboom,I’llgethurt?”
“Yes,exactly.AndI’llhavenochoicebuttomurderhim.”Sheblewairthroughhermouth.“AndasImentioned,he’skindofmyfavorite.AndI…ugh,Ireallydon’twantto.NotwhenI’mactuallyworriedabouthim.”
Ididn’tsayanything,waitingforhertocontinue.
Lina’smouthfell.“Ithinkthere’ssomethingwrong.Abuelatoldmeshecaughthimhavingapanicattack.Beforehistrip.”
Mychesthurtatthat.Atthethoughtofsuchasolid,strongmanundergoingsuchathing.Itmademewonderwhathadhappenedtohimexactly.
Sadnesscoatedmybestfriend’sfacewhenshecontinued.“ApparentlyitwasTacothatwenttofetchAbuelaandbroughthertoLucas.ThankGodhehademotionalsupporttraining.”
“Hedoes?Ihadnoidea,Lucasneverpos—”Istoppedmyself,catchingmyslipontime.“Lucasneversaidanything.Neitherdidyou.”
Linanodded.“WhenTacowasapup,hewasplacedwithoneofAbuela’sneighbors,aretiredpolicemanthatsufferedfromPTSD.Themanpassedawaysoonafter.”Shesighed.“Heartattack.Thefamilywassodevastatedthattheycouldn’tdealwithapupontopofeverything,soAbuelaofferedtotakecareofhimforafewweeks.InoneofLucas’svisits,thetwoofthemmetand,well,theyfellinlovewitheachother.Whenweeksturnedintomonthsandthefamilywasn’tshowinganysignsofwantingtotakecareofTaco…Lucasadoptedhim.”
“So,itwasn’tLucaswhonamedhim?”Isaid,wheninreality,thisstorywasmakingmefeelallkindsofnewthingsforLucas.
“Ohno.”Linachuckled.“Thatwastheman’sgranddaughter.”Sheshookherhead.“Anyway,afterthepanicattack,Abuelasuggestedhetakeatrip.Achangeofscenetoclearhishead.”
“AndhecametotheStates,”Iconcluded,andLinanodded.IfeltmythroatworkasItriednottoleteverythingIwasfeelingaffectmyvoice.“I’msurethatwhateveritis,Lucaswillcomearoundandtellyou.Helovesyouguys,andmaybehejustneedstimetodoitonhisownterms.”Ipaused.“Sometimes,whenwe’reinpain,weneedtocometotherealizationonourownthatweneedhelp.Beforewecaneveracceptit.”
Lina’shandreachedoutacrossthetableandgrabbedmine.“Ugh,youreallyarewise,bestfriend.”
Iwasn’t.Ireallywasn’t.ButIgaveherasmileandhopedshe’dstilllovemewhenItoldhereverythingthatIwaskeepingfromheraboutLucas.
“Anyway.”Linawavedherhandintheair.“Areyousureyoudon’twanttocomestaywithAaronandme?There’saspareroomandmorethanenoughspaceinhisapartment.Ourapartment,now.”
“I’msure,”Itoldherconfidently.ThelastthingIwantedwastodisturbtwonewlyweds.
“Allright.Ifyou’resure.”Sheshrugged,checkingthetimeonherphone.“It’sgettinglate,andItoldAaronI’dhelphimwithdinner.”
“Yep,let’sgo.”Ibracedmyhandsonthetableandpulledmychairback.“Ishouldgetback,too.Lucashasprobablystartedwithdinneralready.”
Linatsked.“That’swhyyoudon’twanttoleavehimforus.”
Iknewexactlywhatshewastalkingabout,butIplayeddumb.“Huh?”
Shecackled.“Idon’tblameyou.Lucasisanamazingcook.He’ssomehowelevatedAbuela’srecipebooktoawholedifferentgalaxy.TíaCarmenisalwaystryingtogethimtoauditionforoneofthosecookingshows.”
IsmiledattheideaofLucasonTV.God,he’dwinthedamnthingandeveryone’sheartsinaheartbeat.
“Oh.”Shecaughtmyattentionwithawavinghand.“BeforeIforget.DoyouhaveplansforHalloween?”
Igrabbedmyjacketfromthebackofmychair.“YouknowIdon’t.”
Linajoinedmeatthesideofthetable,herlipstwitchingwithadevioussmile.“Well,youmightnow.”Shegrabbedherownjacketandslippedherarmsin.“Aaronwasinvitedtoa—braceyourself—MasqueradeBall.NextSaturday.”
Myeyebrowsshotupmyforehead.“Fancy.”
“It’sreallyacostumeparty,butyouNewYorkershaveasexynameforeverything.Anyway,it’soneofthecharitythingshegetsinvitedtoeveryyear,butneverattends.YouknowAaron.”
“Yeah,Icanimaginehowdressingupisnothisthing.”Orsocializing,ingeneral.“ButI’mguessingAaronisgoingtoRSVPyestothisone?Foryou?”
“Anditbarelytookanyconvincing,”Linabragged,aglintinhereyes.“Myhusbandiskindofthebest.”
Herfacebrightened.Justlikeitalwaysdidwhenshetalkedabouthim.
Thatsharpbiteoflongingreturned.Itwasquickbutthrewmeoffbalanceallthesame.
Unaware,Linacontinued,“Theorganizingcommitteewassohappyhewasattending,thattheysenthimtwoextrainvitations.”
Oh.“Idon’tknow,sweetie.I’m—”
“You’reunderadeadline,Iknow.”Linaseemedtoconsidersomething.“Didyoure-downloadTinder?LikeIsuggested?”
Thetipsofmyearsturnedwarm.“No,Ididn’t.Isomehowfoundadifferent…method.It’salongstorythatIcantellyoutomorrowbecausewe’rein…er…arushnow.”
Shelookedskeptical.“Isitworking?”
“Yes,”Iconfirmedwithoutthinking.Becauseitwas.Itsowas.
“Then,”Linapointedoutwithasmile,“maybeyoucanaffordtotakethisonenightoff?HavealittleHalloweenfun?Funisgoodforthemind.”
Westartedfortheexitofthecafé,andIheardmyselfsay,“Youhavetwotickets,right?”
Linasighed.“Doesthatmeanyouwanttobringmycousin?”
Ipinnedherdownwithahardlook.
“Areyousureyoutwoarenot…doingsmoochies?Youknowyoucantellmeifyouare,right?EvenaftereverythingItoldyou,andevenifhe’smycousinandthatwouldbeaverygrossconversation.”
“We’renot,”Iquipped.“Andwhereareyoulearningalltheseexpressionsandeuphemisms?They’reeitherold-schoolor…weird.”
“Ihavemyways.”Sheshrugged.Andbeforegettingtothedoor,shegavemeonelastglance.“So,Lucasandyouarenotanitem.Right?”
“No,”IansweredascasuallyasIcould.“That’sneverbeeninthecardsforus,Lina.”
ThefirstthingInoticedasIwalkedintotheapartmentwerethetwowomenfussingoverLucasatthestove.
“Hello…everyone?”Igreetedtheroom,gettingthreeheadturns—Lucas,ourneighborAdele,andherdaughter,Alexia.“Thisisasurprise.Agoodone.”
“You’reback,”Lucassaid.“Finally.”
Ugh.Thatfinallymademefeelso…hopeful,thatitalmostdistractedmefromtheconfidentwayhestrolledinmydirection.
Whenhereachedme,heleaneddownslightlyandsaidjustformyears,“Wehavecompany,asyousee.Ihopethat’sokay.”
“Ofcourse,”Ianswered,takingnoticeofhowclosehewasstanding.Howhetoweredoverme.Iswallowed.“Adeleisalwayswelcome,youknowthat.”
Hisbrowsfurrowedmomentarily.“Didmycousingiveyouahardtime?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,she’sjust…”Worried.Aboutme,aboutyou,too.“Shemeanswellbutthewholethingcaughtherbysurprise.Isetherstraight,andIdidn’t…Ididn’treallytellherabouttheexperiment.”
Icouldn’tbringmyselftosaydates.Lucasseemedtonoticemyhesitation,becauseathoughtfulexpressiondimmedthelightnessinhiseyes.
Iwatchedhisgazetraildownmybodyinalmostanabsentmindedway,asifhewasn’tawareofwhathewasdoing.
“Allright,”hesaid,grabbingthegrocerybagIhadforgottenIhadinmyhand.“You’rejustintime.Ineededtothrowtheseinthepanrightnow.”
Oh
Thatwaswhyhewaslookingdown.Thatwaswherethefinallycamefrom.
He’dtextedmetogetsomeparsleyandfreshredchilipeppersifIhadthechance.He’dbeenwaitingfortheingredients.Notforme.
Andthatwasokay.Ididn’thaveareasontobedisappointed.I—
Lucasbrushedaquickkissonmycheek,mythoughtscomingtoahaltatthecontact.“Thanksforpickingtheseup,”hesaid.“Now,comeon,dinnerwillbereadyinaminute.”
Onemomenthislipshadbeentouchingmyskin,rightthere,barelyaninchfrommymouth,andthenext,hewasstridingawayleavingme…dumbfounded.
Becausehehadkissedme.Onthecheek.
Asfriends,Iremindedmyself.BecauseinSpain,friendskissedfriendsonthecheekallthetime.Roommatesdid,too,whenfriendly.
Tryingreallyhardtoignorethewaythattinypatchofskinstilltingled,Ifollowedhimtotheislandtochatwiththewomen.“Hi,guys,howareyoudoing?”
“Hi,Rosie,”Alexiagreetedmewitheyesthatwerelikehermother’s.“We’redoingokay.Now.”
Adeleignoredherdaughter’ssidewaysglance.“Thisyoungmanhereiscookingdinnerforus.”ShelookedoveratLucas,whowasbackatthestove.“Hesaidheknowswhathe’sdoingandmademepromiseI’dsitdownandstopnagginghimabouteverything.”
“Whichyoudidn’t,”herdaughtermuttered,placingbothhandsonAdele’sshouldersandusheringhertoastool.“So,howaboutyoustophoveringarounduslikeanopinionatedflyandgetoffyourfeet,huh?”
Adelemumbledbuttookaseat,andasatisfiedAlexiareturnedtoLucas’sside,seeminglyengrossedbymyroommate’scooking.
ThefirsttimeI’dmether,Ihadn’tbeenabletogetagoodlookather.MostlybecauseI’dbeenstandingonthekitchencounter,terrifiedoutofmymindbytherat.AlsodistractedbythefactIhadjustbeendancingwithLucas—hadbeeninhisarmsminutesbeforeAlexiahadknocked.Butnow,Inoticedthatshewasinherearlyfifties,makingAdelealittleolderthanI’dinitiallythought.
Lucaslookedatmeoverhisshoulderandsaid,“Haveaseat,Ro.”
Ro
Thatnickname,again.Doingsilly,sillythingstome.
“I’mokay,”Ireplied,keepingtheeffectincheckasbestasIcould.
“I’msureyouare.Butit’llbegoodforyourback.I’veseenhowtensethoseshouldersarefromwritingallday.”Hefollowedthatwithaquickwink,leavingmenochoicebuttoobeybeforeIfellonmyass.
I’veseenhowtensethoseshouldersare.
ItooktheonlyotherstoolleftinthekitchenandsatnexttoAdele.
“Good,”hemutteredbeforereturningtothepanatthestove.“Okay,ladies,afewmoreminutesandthiswillbeready.”
Ahappysighleftallofusatthesametime.
IlaughedandwhenIlookedinLucas’sdirection,IcaughtAlexia’seyesonme,holdingbackasmile.“You’realuckygirl,Rosie.”
Mypuzzledexpressionmusthavegivenawaymytotalconfusionbecausesheexplained,“MenlikeLucasarehardtofind.”
Istartednoddingbutstoppedmyselfquickly.“Ohno.We’rejustfriends.We’renottogether.Justroommates.Friends.”
Alexia’sbrowsrose,andhereyesbouncedtoLucas,whosaidinaconfidentvoice,“Bestfriends,soonenough.”
“Youkeepsayingthat,”Imurmured.“Buteitherway,uslivinghereisalltemporary.I’llreturntomyapartmentandhe’ll…”Itrailedoff,havingalittletroublefinishingthat,“gobackhome.ToSpain.”
Lucas’smotionsseemedtocometoastopforamomentbeforeheresumedchoppingparsley.
Alexianodded.“Toobad,really.Wecoulduseamanlikehimaround.”Shesighed.“ThewayheallbutrantoMom’srescue…Hereallyisatruehero.”
“Whatrescue?”Iasked.“Didanything—”
“Iwasbarelyrattled,dear.”Theoldwomanpursedherlips.“Noneedtofuss.”
“Mymotherhere,”Alexiaremarked,“leftapressurecookersittingonthestoveandwenttotakeathirty-minutebubblebath.”
Adeleexhaledloudly.“Thethingwasmalfunctioning.Andthelongbathsaregoodformybones.”
“Lucasmusthaveheardtheexplosion,”Alexiaexplained,ignoringhermother.“BecausewhenIgotheretobringMomherprescriptions,IfoundhimscrapingstewoffthewallswithMom.”
“Itwasasmallexplosion,”Lucasfinallysaid.“Anditwasnoproblem.”
“See?”Alexialaughed.“Hewon’teventakethecredit.Andbelieveme,thatwasalotofcleaning.Itwassplatteredallovertheplace.”Sheshookherhead.“Guyslikehim…”
“Areveryraretofind,”Ifinishedforher.
Lucas’smotionshaltedagain,makingmewishhewasn’tfacingawayandIcouldseehisface.
Somethingoccurredtome.“Sothat’swhyyouguysareoverfordinner?”NotonlyhadLucasgonetoAdele’srescueandhelpedwiththecleaningbuthe’dofferedtofeedthemafterward.
“Yes.”Alexiabeamed.“Webothwerealittlerattledafterthat.Mywifewillpickusupinanhour,though,”Alexiaadded.“Momwillcometostaywithusforafewdays,right,Mom?”
Adelesighed.“NotlikeIhaveachoiceanyway.”
“Anyway,”Alexiasaid,anglingherbodyinLucas’sdirection.“IhavetoadmitthatI’vebeendrivingmyselfcrazytryingtofigureoutwhatapartmentalltheserichanddistinctivescentscamefromeveryeveningI’vevisitedMom.Mostpeopledotakeoutaroundhere.”
Lucassteppedback,turnedoffthestove,wrappedaclothoverthehandleofalargecast-ironpan,andlifteditintheair.
“ItwasallLucas,yes,”Isaid,notwantinghertogetanyideasaboutmycookingtalents.
Hewalkedtotheisland,whereAdeleandIwere,andplacedthepanbetweenus.Searedsteaksdressedwithredchimichurriglistenedunderthekitchenlight,makingmystomachgrowl.
Alexiajoinedusatthetable,andwithonlytwostoolsavailable,Ijumpedoffmineandofferedittoher.“Please,sit.You’reaguest.”
“Oh,Iwouldn’twantto—”
“Rosiecansitwithme,”Lucasannounced.
Frowning,Iturnedaroundandfoundhimholdingafoldingstoolinhishand.“Where—”
“Founditbehindacabinet,”hesaid,unfoldingitslegs.“Justtheone,sowe’llshareit.”
“Idon’tknow…”Ieyedhimashefloppeddown.
Icouldn’tsitinhislap,couldI?HehadaninjuryIdidn’tknowtheextentof.
Asifhehadawaytopeekintomyhead,hegavetwofirmpatstohisleftthigh.“Thisone’sfine,”hesaid.“Nowcomehere,Ro.Let’seat,I’mstarving.”
Itwasthedeterminationinhisgazethatpushedmeforward.ThewayhelookedatmelikeI’dbedoingsomethingforhimifIgavehimthisonething.So,IwalkedallthewaytowherehewasandIletmyselffallonhislap.Inananosecond,Lucaswrappedastrongarmaroundmywaistandsqueezedlightly.“Cronutyou,”hesaid,solowIalmostmissedit.
Andthatcodeforthankyouthatwasjustours,didsomethingtome,somethingpowerfulandnotatallexpected.Somethingthatmademewishitwascodeforsomethingotherthanthankyou.
ItriedtofocusontheamazingfoodlaidoutinfrontofusinsteadofonthemanwhoselapIwascurrentlysittingon.“Thisalllooksincredible,Lucas.”
Ifeltmorethanheardhissighofrelief,rightthere,veryclosetomyear.Andmybodyimmediatelyreactedtothecontactofhisbreathagainstmyskin.Somuchthatheprobablyfeltitbecausehetoldme,“Eat.”
“OhLord,thesesweetpotatoes.”Alexiamoaned.“What’sthissauce?Yogurtwith…”
“Roastedgarlic,lemon,andtahini,”LucasansweredashedrizzledsomeofthesauceAlexiawaspraisingovermypotatoes.
Alexiastokedhermouthwithanewbite.“Youroastedthewholeheadwiththepotatoes.Thenuseditforthesauce?”Lucasnoddedandsheadded,“Wellplayed.”
Andjustlikethat,Alexiatookovertheconversation,interrogatingLucasabouteachandeverystephehadfollowedwiththesearingofthemeat,theredchimichurri,andwhatI’ddiscoveredwasourdessert:rhubarbandpearmilhojas.WhichhappenedtobeanabsolutelydelicioustwistonaSpanishdessert.
“Okay,”Alexiasaidonceallthefoodwasgoneandthedessertplateswerewipedclean.“Isuspectedyouknewwhatyouweredoing,butIhadnoideayouwerethisgood.”
Lucasansweredwithagruntandashiftofhisbodythatbroughtmefurtherintohislap.Itriedtoshiftaway,buthisarmsecuredmeagainsthischest,everypartofmethatwasincontactwitheverypartofhimcomingalive.
“So,what’syourdeal,Lucas?”Alexiapressed,whileItriedtocatchmybreath.“YouworkatarestaurantbackinSpain?Attendingcookingschoolbyanychance?”
Lucasletoutanincredulouslaugh.“Noneofthat.Ineverconsideredcookingschool.Neverhad…thetime,Iguess.”
“Youcouldgo,now.Ifthat’swhatyouwanted,”Isaid,notabletohelpmyself.“You’reanamazingcook,Lucas.”
Hishandtightenedonmywaist,hisbodyheatnowimpossibletoignore.Histonesoftenedwhenhetoldme,“Thankyou,Ro.But…Idon’tknow.I’malittleoldforschool.”
“You’renottooold.”Alexia’seyesnarrowed.“Wheredidyoulearntocooklikethis?Theall-butterflakypastryfromthemilhojaswasdivineanddefinitelynotstorebought.Andthatwasn’tyourfirsttimepreppingasirloin.I’veseensirloinsbeingassassinatedbypeoplewhoattendedschool.”
Lucas’spalmfellonmythigh,makingmecatchmybreath.“Ilearnedfrommyabuela,mymother…Idon’tknow,everywhere.I’mself-taught,Iguess.Iliketoexperiment,trynewthings.There’sawildamountofinformationonline.So,Ijust…youknow,learnedonthego.Nothingfancyorworthcomparingtosomeonewithaneducation.Orsomeonewithanyrealtalent.Mycallis—wassomethingelse.”
Idisagreed,Lucaswasn’tdefinedbyonesinglething,butIremainedquietandletmyhandfallontopofhis.Hetwinedhisfingerswithmine,andIsworeallmynerveendingsflaredatthatsimplecontact.
WhichwaswhyIalmostmissedAlexia’snextwords.
“I’mtheexecutivechefofZarato,soIknowwhatI’mtalkingabout.Youaretalented.Cookingschoolwouldn’tbeawalkinthepark,becauseitneveris.Butit’snotoutofyourreach.”
“Oh,whoa,”Ibreathedout.TurningtolookatLucasovermyshoulder,Iexplained,“ZaratoisthehotspotintheWestVillage.Peoplewaitmonthstogetareservation.Ithinkit’sinthetopthreerestaurantsinNewYorkrightnow.”
Alexiachuckled.“Topfive,butthecompetitionissavageinManhattan,soyouneverknowwhereyou’lldropdowntowhenthenextyearrolls.”
Shewasbeinghumble.IfevenI—someonewhodidn’tknowathingaboutcuisineandonlydinedoutonoccasion—hadheardofandlongedtolivetheZaratoexperience,thatmeantthebuzzaroundtheplacewasasstrongasitcouldget.
“That’strulyamazing,”Lucassaid,andIcouldhearinhisvoicethathemeanteveryword.HeturnedtoAdele.“Youmustbesoproudofyourdaughter.”
“Icouldn’tbeanyprouder,”Adeleanswered,hereyeswatering.“Butyouknowthatdon’tyou,Mateo?”
AsilencesettledaroundusatAdele’swords,whohadremainedquietduringdinner,theatmosphereimmediatelyturningheavywiththereminderofAdele’sloomingillness.
“Yeah,”Lucasfinallysaid.“Ofcourse,weare.”
Alexiathrewanarmaroundhermom,squeezedhershoulders,andmouthedathankyouatLucas.Then,shesaidmorefirmly,“AndLucas,I’mserious.Iknowhowtospottalent.That’showImetmywife.Shestartedlowinthekitchen,allrawpotential,andnowshe’sthesouschefatZarato,soyouneverknow.”Shetiltedherhead.“Youknow,Ithinkyoutwoshouldcome.It’llbeonthehouse,foreverythingyou’vedone.”
Oh,ohwow.
“Youdon’thaveto,Alexia,”Lucasanswered,voicingmythoughts.AlthoughIcouldhearasparkofcuriosityinhiswords.“It’sreallyokay.”
“Iinsist,”sheansweredfirmly.Then,shepulledoutacardfromherbag,placeditonthetable,andadded,“Rosiewillloveit.”Asifthatfactchangedsomething.
AndLucas’shandleftmineandreachedoutforthecard.
Itwasmuch,muchlater,wellintothenight,whenanoisewokeme.Itwaslikeawhimper,butdeeper.Guttural.
Atfirst,IthoughtIwasdreaming,butthen,thesoundcameagain.Thattimelouder.Moreurgent.
Isatupinbed,surveyingthedimlylitspace,stoppingwhereIknewLucaswouldbeasleeponthecouch.Onlyhewasn’t.Hecouldn’tbesleeping,shiftingsorestlessly.
Anotherwhimperlefthim,nowtanglingwithhisrockybreathing,anditfrozemeonthespot.Becauseitsoundedlike…likehewasstrugglingtogetairintohislungs.Likehecouldn’tbreathe.
Icyfearpropelledmeoffthebedandforward.UntilIwaskneelingonthefloorbythecouch.
Iwhispered,“Lucas?”ButLucasthrashedfromonesidetotheotherasmyhandsreachedouttohisshoulders.Irosemyvoicetoagentlebutfirmtone.“Lucas,wakeup.”
Hemutteredsomething,butitmusthavebeeninSpanish,becauseitwassomethingIdidn’tunderstand.
WithallthegentlenessIcouldmuster,Itrailedmyhandsup,allthewaytohischeeks.“Lucas,please.Youneedtowakeup.You’rehavinganightmare.”
Hisjerkymotionscametoasuddenstop,andhiseyesblinkedwideopen,revealingtwobrownwellsoffear.
Mychestconstrictedatthesight,findingithardtoputupacalmfrontforhim,andevenhardernottothinkabouthowmuchIcaredforhimandhowmuchIhatedseeinghiminpain.
“Youwerehavingabaddream,”Itoldhim,thenervescreepingintomyvoice.“Butit’sallright,now.You’reawake.”
Hisgazestartedclearingvery,very,slowly.Butthefear,thedespair,wasstillthere.Etchedintohisexpression.
Mygriponhisfacegrewalittledesperate.“You’refine.Itwasabaddream,butyou’reokay,”Irepeated.
Lucas’spalmfellontopofmyhand.Hisskinwascool,damp.
“Rosie,”hebreathedout.“You’rehere.”Noexplanation,nosmile,noattempttobrushitawaywithajoke.
“Scootover,”Itoldhim,soIcouldclimbonthecouchwithhim.
WithoutawordLucasmovedasmuchashecouldwhileremainingonhisback.Ilaydown,facinghim,tuckingmyselfintohisside.Ilockedoneofmyarmsaroundhim.Hisshirtstucktohischest.
“I’mallsweaty,Rosie.I—”
“It’sallright,”Isaid,scootingevencloserandlettingmyfingersdrawsoothingcirclesoverhischest.“Ilikemymensweatyandsleepy,”Itoldhim.“Sogobacktosleep.I’mherenow.”
Lucasdidn’tsayaword,didn’tmoveamuscle.Hedidn’teventrytosqueezemeagainsthisbody,likehehaddonesomanytimesbefore.Andthatwasokay.Becauserightnow,hewastheonewhoneededme.SoIstayedrightwhereIwas.MybodyhangingontheveryedgeofthecouchasIwarmedhisbodywithmine.Mytouchandvoicesomehowsoothinghimbacktosleep.
Onlywhenhisbreathfellintoaslowrhythm,didIrelax.ButIstayedawakeforalongtime.Thinking,keepingwatch,IrecalledmyconversationwithLina.Lucas,alwaysonhisown,isolatinghimselfnow,notconfidinginanyone.Ithoughtabouthowhealwaysgaveawayhissmilessoselflessly.Abouthowmuchhehadgivenmeintheshortamountoftimewe’dknowneachother.AndasIheldhim,Icouldn’thelpbutwonderifsomeonehadeverdonethesameforhim.CHAPTERSEVENTEENRosie
Iwasapplyingthelasttouchofpowderwhenthedoorbellrang.
Frowningatthemirror,Iplacedthebrushonthesurfaceofthevanityandhadaquicklookatmyreflection.
Mycurlswerefallinginanorderlymannerthathadtakenmeafullhour—andfivedifferentYouTubetutorials—toaccomplish.MylipswereapaleshadeofpinkandI’ddonemyeyesinnaturaltones,achievinganalmostno-makeuplook.Ilookedgood.Iknewthat.Iwasn’tafashionorlifestyleinfluencerbyanymeans,butIusuallytookcareofwhatIwore,ofhowIlooked.Exceptformyhair.That,Ialwaysneglected.Letitfallinadisarrayofwaves.
Butnottoday.Nottonight.Becauseweweregoingtoaparty.TheMasqueradeBall.Andifthebutterfliesinmystomachwereanyindication,IwasasexcitedaboutitasIwasanxious.
Goodnerves,badnerves,Iwasn’tsure.
Ididn’tknowwhattoexpect,really.Becausethisfeltalotlikeadoubledate,onlyitwasn’tone.WhenI’dtoldLucasabouttheMasqueradeBall,he’djustsaidhewasinandwe’dstartedtalkingaboutcostumeideas.Couple-costumeideas,althoughweweregoingasfriends.Justfriends,notevenexperimentpartners,consideringAaronandLinawouldbethere.
WhichremindedmethattheywouldbepickingusupsoonandLucaswasn’thomeyet.Twohoursago,whenI’dpulledmycostumeoutofthecloset,he’dsaidhehadtopickupalast-minutethingandvanished.
Thebellrangagain,gettingmeoutofmyhead.
Iracedacrosstheapartment,theswooshofthefabricoftheVictorian-inspiredballgownIwaswearingchasingeveryoneofmysteps.
Inarush,Ithrewthedooropenand—Whoa.
Myeyeswidenedwithamixofemotions.Surprise,awe,and…lust.
Yes,mostdefinitely,lust.
“Lucas.”Mygazeleapedupanddown,myheadscramblingforsomethingtosayasapowerfulrushofheatclimbedupmybody.Isomehowmanagedtocroakout,“Wow.Youlookso,so,so,sogood.”
HestoodthereinhisVictorianvelvetytailcoatjacketandburgundyvest,unbotheredbymyoglingandtheso,so,so,sogoodIhadjustblurted.Hishairwascombedbackandhissun-kissedfaceonfulldisplay,makinghishandsomefeaturesdemandmoreattentionthanever.
Andmyattentionwasdefinitelyhappytocomply.
Hesnickered.“Youlike?”
“Yes.”So,so,so,somuch,Ithought.Becauseonesinglesowouldhavenotsufficed.“Youlookonehundredpercentamazing.No,onehundredandtwentypercentbecauseyou…you’vebrokenthescale.”
Helaughedagain,andIhadtoclampmymouthdowntokeepmyselffromexposingmyselfanymore.
Granted,Iwasexhaustedfromworkingonmymanuscriptallday.Whichwasgood,amazing,really.Today,inspirationhadhitlikeithadn’tin…heck,Ididn’tevenknow.Probablyever.Icouldn’trememberwritingeverfeelingthisway,asIimaginedridingawavewouldfeel.Wild,freeing,unpredictable.JustlikeIfeltwithLucas.
“Yourdress,”Lucassaid,allhumorgonefromhisvoice.“It’sbeautiful.Itmatchesthecolorofyoureyes.”
Helethisgazeroamupanddownmybody,justlikeminehaddoneamomentago.Intentionallycheckingmeout.AndI…likedit.Lovedit.Seeingthatprofoundappreciationonhisfacewasmakingmefeelallkindsofthings.Flutteringthings.Warmandfizzythings.ThingsIshouldkeepundercheckformyowngood.
Collectingmyself,Iswooshedfromlefttorightandrepeatedhiswordstohim.“Youlike?”
Hislipspartedwithawide,wickedgrin,revealingthepointyendsofprostheticfangs,anditwashardnottosmileback.
“Likeit?”Heshookhishead.“Youlookincredible,Rosie.”Hissmiledimmed,thatintensityofhisthatIdidn’tknowwhattodowithshowingonhisface.“Estáspreciosa.”
Preciosa.
Ididn’tneedtoknowwhatthatmeantexactly,notwhenhewaslookingatmethewayhedid,makingthatflutterintensify.Multiply.SomuchthatI’dneverknowhowIstoodthereandtookthecomplimentwithastraightfacewhenallIwantedwastoswoonstraightintohisarms.
“YoucleanupprettywellasaVictorianvampire,”Imanagedtosayafterafewseconds.“You’regivingtheprotagonistofourshowarunforhismoney.”AndI’dtakeyouoverhimanydayoftheweek,Iwantedtoadd.
ButLucasdidn’tsmilelikebefore,heonlyhummedinresponse,allthatintensitystillthere.
Inanattempttoappearunaffectedbythatandbythewaythosechocolateeyeswerestaringrightintomine,Iavertedmygazetohischest.Ispottedabuttonthathadcomeundoneinthevisiblesectionofhisvestandreachedoutforit.Iletmyfingersmakeaworkofit,thewarmthofhischestseepingthroughthelayersoffabric,makingmeclumsyandmybreathingchoppy.“Wheredidyoufindtheseclothes?”IaskedinaquietervoicethanI’dintended.“Theylookexactlyliketheonesfromtheshow.”
Becauseweweregoingasourfavoritevampirecouple,buttheversionofthemfromoneoftheflashbackepisodesinVictoriantimes.
Lucas’sheadtippeddown,watchingmyhandsastheyremainedlatchedontothatbutton.Hesteppedforward,bringinguscloser.“Ihadalittlehelp,”heanswered,andIcouldfeelhisbreathonmyskin.“Andbylittle,Imeanmyfeisty5’4”cousin.”
Myfingerswerefidgetingwiththebuttonthatwasnowdone,searchingforanexcusetoremainthere,onhischest.“She’snotthatfeisty.Orshort,”myloyaltypushedmetosay.“She’scute.”
“Ithinkyou’recute,”Lucassaid,makingmyfingersfreeze.Heexpelledoneslowpullofair.“No.You’renotcute.You’rebeautiful.”
Iswallowed,wantingtobeghimtotakebackthewordsasmuchasIneededhimtorepeatthemagainsoI’dneverforgetthem.
ButwhatIsaidwas,“You’rereadynow.”AndIbrushedmyfingertipsoverthefabricofhisvestforwhatI’dpromisedmyselfwouldbeonelasttouch
BeforeIcouldseverthecontact,though,Lucastookanotherstepforward,bringingusevencloser.Flushed.Myhandsadjustedtothenewposition,thenewnearness,mypalmsnowflatagainsthischest.“Idon’tknowaboutthat,”hesaid,voicehusky,deep,distracting.“Theremightbeotherbuttonsneedingyourattention.You’vedonesuchanamazingjobwiththatone,Iwanttomakesure.”
Ilookedup,finallymeetinghisgazeandfindingtheversionofLucasthathadsmearedtomatosauceallovermybottomlipstaringbackatme.Myheartleaped,mywholebodytakingnoticeofthewayhischestmovedandoftheintensityinhiseyes.Ofhowsternanddeterminedhisfeaturesturnedwhenhelookedatmelikethis.Asifalltheamusementandlightheartednesshadlefthim
Heremainedexactlywherehewas,waiting,butwhatwasIsupposedtodo?AskhimtoundoallhisclothessoIhadanexcusetosecurethembackaroundhissolidandbeautifulbody?
Yes,avoiceencouragedme.Thatwouldbeagoodstart.
“I…IthinkIgotthemall,”Isaidinstead,becauseanythingelsewouldbecrazy.Stupid.Reckless.
Thetipofhistonguepeekedoutandswipedoverhisbottomlipbeforehesaid,“Okay.”
“Okay,”Irepeated.
Andalltoosoon,hewassteppingbackandopeningthespacebetweenourbodies.“Beforewego,”hesaidwalkingbackward,disappearingdownthehallwayforamomentandreturningholdingsomethingbehindhisback.“Thisisforyou.”
Herevealedwhathewashidingandmyjawdroppedtothefloor,joinedbymyheartlessthanamillisecondlater.
“For—Forme,”Istuttered,lookingatthestunningcorsageofpinkmagnoliasinhishands.AcorsageI’dnevergottenfromJakeduringpromnight.LikeI’dtoldhim.Andhe’dremembered.“Lucasyoudidn’thaveto.Thisisn’toneofour—”IcaughtmyselfbeforeIsaiddates.Oneofourdates.“Tonightisn’tsupposedtobepartofourresearch.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter,”hesaidmatter-of-factly,andIwantedtoaskhim,How?Howcouldthisnotmattertohimwhenitdidtome?ButhecontinuedbeforeIcould:“IknowIdidn’tplanthisdate,soittechnicallyisn’tone.Butafterhowthelastoneended,howIcouldn’tevenproperlyfeedyoudinner,IthoughtIcouldtakethechancetomakeituptoyou.Consideritpartofphasetwo.Exploringthespark.”
Sothiswasnothingmorethanresearch.
“That’swhyyouwereaway?”Iasked,takingthearrangementfromhimandbringingittomychest.“Youwereoutgettingmeacorsage?”
“Yes.”Hegavemeasmallbashfulsmile,anddespiteeverything,itwasreallyfreakinghardformenottofallalittlebitmoreforthisman.God,Iwasdoingthat,wasn’tI?Fallingforhim.“Iwantedtosurpriseyou.Andalso,Iknewyou’dbechangingandwantedtobesurenottocatchyourunningaroundinyourundergarments,LadyRosalyn.Therearelinesthatmustn’tbecrossed.”
Inodded,disappointmentfloodingmystomach.“Yeah.Iguessyouwouldn’twantthat.”
Lucastiltedhishead.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Ishookmyheadwithaweaksmile.“Nothing.”
BeforeIcouldevenregisterhimmoving,Lucascrowdedmeagainstthedoorframeandtippedmychinup.Ihadnochoicebuttomeethisgaze,andwhenIdid,IwishedIhadn’t.BecausetherewassomethinginhiseyesIdidn’tunderstand.
Histhumbgrazedalongmyjawverysoftly.“Whatdidyoumean,Rosie?”
Ishookmyheadalittle.“Ijustmeanthatasmyfriendandmyroommate,that’ssomethingyoudon’twanttosee.”Becausethatwasallwewere.Ourexperimentaldateswereresearch,andLucaswasjusttryingtohelpme.UntilhewentbacktoSpain.
Hestared,hiseyeslookingstraightintomine,whileheseemedtoworkoutsomethinginhishead.Andwhenhislipsfinallyparted,hecouldonlysay,“Tonight—”beforehewasinterrupted
“What’stakingyoutwosolong?”Lina’svoicethunderedintheemptyhallwaybeforesheevenmadeitupstairs.“Icanhearyouupthereandwe’redouble-parked.”
“Later,”Lucassaidinalowvoice.Justformyears.
Reluctantly,hepeeledhimselfoffme,asifhewasnotlookingforwardtofacingwhatwasafewfeetbehindhim.
Linaappearedinfrontofus.
“Hola,prima,”hegreetedhiscousinwithasigh.“Wewerejustcomingdown.”
Sheeyedthesituationinsilenceforalongmoment.“Youlookamazing,Rosie.Andarethosemagnolias?Theyarebeautiful,”shetoldme.“Wheredidyougetthem?”
LucassaidsomethinginSpanish,tooquickandcomplexformetotrytounderstand.
Lina’seyesnarrowedwhenshereplied.
AndbeforeIcouldaskoropenmymouthtosayanythingaboutthatexchange,Lucaswastuggingatoneofmyperfectcurls.Helookeddownatmewithagrinthatdidn’treachhiseyes.“Let’sgrabyourfangsandgo,Ro.”
“Yes,”Iconceded,glancingdownatthecorsage.
LucaswentintothebathroomtofetchtheprostheticteethformeasIfastenedaroundmywristthepinkmagnoliashehadgottenmefornoreasonotherthanresearch.
Becausehewassetonhelpingme.
AndIshouldhavebeenhappyandgratefulforit.
Itshouldn’thavemademesad.
“Holyshit,”Lucassaidfrommyside.
“Holyshitindeed,”Imuttered,pickingupmyjawfromthefloor.
Linastoodinfrontofus,partlyblockingourviewoftheimpressivehallwheretheMasqueradeBallwastakingplace.Shewasn’texactlytall,noteveninheels,butherblueish-tingedhairandmatchingbodypaintcoveringherface,neck,andarmswasdistractingenough.
LinaandAaronweregoingascorpsebrideandgroom,ajobshehadtakentoheart.ThecostumesweretheclosestI’deverseentotherealthing.EvenAaronwaswearingmakeup,hiseyesocketscoveredinsmokyblackshadow,makinghisblueeyespopevenmorethanusual.That,togetherwithhisheight,thetwo-piecesuit,andtheundeadbridehangingoffhisarm,wasapowerfulimage.
Theylookedlikethepowercoupleoftheunderworld.UnlikeLucasandI,weweremostdefinitelynotacouple,despitethematchingcostumes.Notthatitmattered.Oneglanceatourreflectionintheelevator’smirrorhadalmostknockedmestraighttothefloorallthesame.Especiallyafterwe’dputonthebeautifulmasksLinahadsurpriseduswith.Fortheflex,she’dsaidwithawink,unawarethattheadditionmadeLucasallthemore…distractingforme.
“Don’tyouguysloveeverything?”Linabeamedbeforeturningaroundtotakeinthevenue.“I’mgoingtosoundsuperuncoolbutdoyouthinkwewillspotanycelebrities?”
“It’spossible,”Aaronanswered.“ThisisNewYork,andallkindsofpersonalitiesgetinvited.”
Linaclappedherhandsunderherchin.“I’mstillhopingforSebastianStan.”
Aaronmumbledsomethingunintelligibleunderhisbreath.
Ichuckled.“Oh,Iwouldn’tmindthat.Notatall.”
Lucasshiftedsomewheretomyright,andwhenIlookedathim,hewasfrowning.“Whoisthat?This…SebastianSpoon?”
Linawavedahandinfrontofher.“SebastianS-tan.Andhe’sonlythefunniest,cutest,mostcharmingactorinHollywood?Totallyunderrated.”
Noddingmyhead,Iadded,“He’sbeenspottedinNewYorkenoughforLinatobelievethatonedaywe’llcrosspathswithhim.”
Lucasshrugged.“Well,IhopeSebastianStongdoesn’tmindbumpingintostalkers.”
Aaronsnorted,whichearnedhimaglarefromhiswife.
“Stopbutcheringhisname,Lucas,”shesaidbeforepattingAaron’schest.“Andyoudon’thaveanyreasontobejealous,amor.IwanttomeetSeb,butjustsoRosiecankeephim.”
Aaronthrewanarmaroundherwife’sshoulders,fusinghertohisside.
IlookedoveratLucas,findinghisgazeonme.Ithoughthe’dsaysomethingelseaboutthetopic,orbutcherSebastian’snameagain,butheonlywinkedatme.Smug,asifheknewhowgoodhelooked,winkinginthatcostumeandthatmask.Anddammit,allthoughtsofmaybespottingSeboranyothercelebrityvanishedfrommymindwithapuff.
IsteppedforwardtoLinaandAaron’ssideandLinauntangledherselffromherhusbandwithakissonhischeek,linkingourarmsandwalkingintotheparty,leavingthetwomenbehind.
Aftercrossingthemoredimlylitdancefloor,wemadeittotheoppositeendofthevenueandtookaspotatthebar,wheretheguysrejoinedus.
“Ithinkwemightbealittleearly,”Linasaid,lookingaroundusandpointingatthefewandscatteredgroupsofpeoplethathadgathered.“Whattimediditsayontheinvitation,Aaron?”
Hisarmcamearoundherwaist,hispalmsettlingonherstomach.“Eight.Peoplewillcome.Don’tworry.Thisisoneofthemostpopulareventsoftheyear.Onlythebachelorauctionbeatsit.”
“Oh,Idefinitelyrememberthatone.”
“Ido,too.”Aaron’sheadinchedevenlowerandhepressedhislipstohershoulder,turningmybestfriendintoaLina-shapedpuddleofbluegoo.
Myfacemusthavebeenshowcasingeverysingleoneofmyemotions—happiness,longing,thatpangofgood-heartedbutsharpjealousy—becauseoneofmycurlswastuggedbythemanthatwaslearningtoreadmelikeanopenbook.
Iturned,findingLucasalittleclosertomysidethanhewasaminuteago.“I’dlovetohaveadrink,”hesaid,lookingdownatme.“Whataboutyou,LadyRosalyn?Wouldyoucareforabeverage?”Heflashedmehisprostheticfangs.“PerhapssomeO-Negative?”
Icouldnothelpbutlaugh,soIdid.“Withpleasure,GoodSir.Butmakeitblood-free.”Iwrinkledmynose.“Onlythethoughtismakingmedizzy.”
Lucas’slipstwitchedandhenudgedmyshoulderwithhis,hisexpressionbrighteninghiseyes.
Afterthat,weorderedthosedrinksandhungoutinourlittlecircle,chattinganimatedlywhiletheplacefilledwithmoreandmorepeople.
Andwitheveryminutethattickedawayandeverynewcomerarrivingtotheparty,mysideinchedcloserandclosertoLucas.Somuchthatwithoutknowinghow,Iwasleaningmyshoulderonhis.Anditfeltgood.Theeasychatter,thewayhisarmfeltagainstmine,ourinsidejokes,thetimesI’dseehisgazedippingdowntomeetmine,orthewayhe’daskmeifIwashavingfun.Itallfeltsogoddamngood.
Itfeltexactlyasifwewereonadoubledatewithmybestfriendandherhusband.
Comfortable.Exciting.RealCHAPTEREIGHTEENLucas
Aaronhadbeenright,thiswasapopularevent.
Itwashardtotakeastepwithoutbumpingagainstsomeone.Theplacewasburstingwithpeople.People,Iassumed,whomovedinsocialcirclesIknewnothingabout.PeoplewhoattendedmasqueradeballsinimpressivehallsofhotelsI’dneverconsiderbookinganightin.NotbecauseIcouldn’tbutbecauseitwasn’tmychoice.
Iwasn’tusedtobeingincrowdslikethisone.Oranycrowds,unlesswecountedthefolksattendingatournamentoracompetition.ButIhadtoadmitthatIwasn’tasuncomfortableasI’danticipated.Andsure,ithadtodowithtonightbeingHalloween.Butitalsohadalottodowiththegirlpressinghershoulderagainstmyarm.Iwashereforher.
Andifitwasuptome,I’dhavehertuckedintomyside,muchlikeAaronhadLina.NotbecauseIwantedto—which,don’tgetmewrong,Idid—butbecausethefreespacearounduswasstartingtorunout.Andthecrowdwasstartingtogettipsy,andtherefore,careless.
Ihadn’tlikeditwhensomezombiepushedusfrombehind,andIhadn’tlikeditanybetterwhenitwassomesuperheroIdidn’tknow.Atthisrate,ourdrinkswereatriskofbeingknockedoutofourhands,Rosiemightgethurt,andImighthavetopunchsomedrunkidiotinamask.
CheckingonRosie’sglasstoseeifshewasdonewithherdrink,itwasphysicallyimpossibletostopmyeyesfromwanderingaround.Allthewayuptoherface.Downherneckagain.Hopelesslydippingbacktoherneckline.
Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’ddoneittonight,anditprobablywouldn’tbethelast.Iseemedunabletohelpmyself.
Notwhentheswellsofherbreastswerepressingagainstthenecklineofherdressinawaythatmademybloodswirlandflowtocertainareasofmybodythatwerestartingtofeelalittletightagainstmyclothing.Iwasonlyaman.AndIcouldonlytakesomuchwhenthatsoft-lookingskinondisplaywasmakingmethinkthoughtsnotappropriateforthecurrentvenue.Orcompany.
“Youokay?”Linaasked,forcingmyeyesawayfromRosie.Linatiltedherhead.“Youlook…weird.Areyouhungryorsomething?”
IschooledmyfaceintotheeasiestsmileIcouldsummon.“I’malwayshungry.”Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsawRosiesnickering.“Otherthanthat,I’mokay.Gracias,prima.”
Asifoncue,someonebumpedintomeandRosiefrombehind.Again.Probablysomeoneelsetryingtoplaceanorderatthebusyandslightlychaoticbar.
Withacurse,IfinallysteppedtothesideandparkedmyselfbehindRosie.Then,Isnakedanarmaroundhersideandleanedmyelbowonthebartop,creatingawallbehindher.
Rosiemovedherhead,herhairswayingwithherscent.
Damn,thosepeacheswerestartingtodrivemealittlecrazy.
Itmademewanttodipmyheadandplacemynoseatherneck.Takeagood,honestwhiff,asifIwerenothingmorethanananimal.LiketheunsophisticatedmanIwas.
Aaronmetmygazeandnoddedhisheadwithapproval.Wonderingwhathecouldbeapprovingofexactly,Ireturnedit.
“Thankyou,Lucas,”Rosiesaid,hervoicedrawingmyattentionbacktoher.Thosegreeneyesofherweredancingwithwarmth,withtheawarenessIwasfeeling,too.“Youdon’treallyhaveto,youknow,protectmeorsomething.ButIappreciateit.”
Idon’treallyhaveto?
Dios
IhadtoldheroncehowmuchIhatedhowlowshesetherstandards,andI’dmeanteveryword.Itinfuriatedmethatsomeonewhobroughttoliferomanceheroes,lovestoriespeoplelongedfor,wouldn’texpectallthosethingsfromreallife.Becauseshereallyseemedfinenotexpectinganymantoliveuptoherheroes.Shewasfinewithit.
“There’snothingyoushouldthankmefor,”Itoldher,steppingalittleclosertoherbodybecauseIjustcouldn’tkeepmyselfinline.Mygazetraileddownagainintimetowatchherswallow,andthatslowmotionofherthroat,andthewayherbreastsfollowedwithhernextbreath,wasenoughtomakemetwitchinmypants.Jesus.SomefriendIwas.“I’mhappytoprotectyou,LadyRosalyn.”
Rosiedidn’tanswer,andwhenImethergazeagain,hereyeswere…different.Surprised,hooded.Probablymirroringmyown.
“Howaboutdancing?”Linasuggestedwithbubblyenthusiasm,breakingthespell.“Ithinkwe’vehungoutherelongenough.”
Aaronremainedsilent.Rosiehesitated.AndI…shrugged.Mylegwassoreafterstandingforsolong,butI’dfollowthemtothedancefloorifthatwastheplan.
“Comeon,”Linainsisted.
Butbeforeanyofuscouldanswer,someoneelsepushedintome,forcingmyfronttocomeintofullcontactwithRosie’sback.Withoutthinking,myarmsnakedaroundherjustasIfeltherasspressagainstmycrotch.Anewshotofawarenesssparkedacrossmybody,makingmydickstandtoattention.
“Yes!”Rosieyelped.“Let’sdance!”
WithoutgivingmeorAaronanychoice,thewomenlinkedarmsandwalkedintothemovingcrowd.
Aaronshotmeaglance,andwhateverhesawinmyfacemadehimchuckle.
“What’ssofunny?”Iaskedhim,summoningacasualexpression.
HiseyesscannedtheseaofpeopleinfrontofusandzeroedinonapointIassumedwashiswife.“Youdidn’thavetosayanything,”hesaid,gazeforward.“Youknow,itdoesn’tgeteasier.Butitdoesgetbetter.”
Iforcedoutalaugh,pretendingIknewwhateverhewastalkingabout.
Butyouknowwhathemeant,avoicecountered.Althoughitwon’tevergetbetter.Becauseshe’snotyours.Andyouareleavinganyway.
WithashakeofmyheadandoneofAaron’snods,weventuredontothedancefloor.
Thewomenweredancing,doingtheirthingwhilelosttothesong,spinningincircleswiththeirarmsup.ItremindedmeoftheRosieI’dseenswirlingto“DancingQueen.”Asmilepartedmyfaceatthememory,atthesight.Infact,IwasprettysureIwaseatingupeveryoneofhermotionsinblindingawe,asifthesunwasrisinginfrontofmeforthefirsttime.
Astrangethoughtinfiltratedmymind.Rosie,straddlingmyboard,floatingintheocean.Herwethairstickingtoherskin,asmileonherface.I’dlovetotakeher,teachhertopaddle,catchherfirstwave,hearherlaughoverthesoundofthewaves.AllthingsIcouldn’tdo.
Rosie’seyesfoundmine,andwhateverwasonmyfacemadeherlipsfall,herexpressionturningserious.Concerned.Sheimmediatelystrodeinmydirection,andwhileIdidn’twanttoruinherfun,Iwasgladtoseeherclosingthedistance.Comingtome.
Whenshestoppedinfrontofme,shewasstandingcloseenoughformetocatchanotherwhiffofpeaches.Ofher.
ShewentonhertiptoessoIcouldhearheroverthemusic.“You’renotdancing.Isyourlegbotheringyou?”
LinaandAaronwereseveralfeetawaynow—bodiesfusedtogether—gettingswallowedbythecolorfulcrowd.
MaybethatwaswhyIfeltfreetosaythetruth.“Iwastoodistractedtodoanyofthat.Watchingyou.”
ThegreeninRosie’seyesdeepened.“Watchingme?”
Inoddedmyheadslowly,everythinginmescreamingtoleandown.Todipmyheadandgetclosetoherear.Toplacemylipsagainstthedelicateskinthereandfeelhersquirmwithawareness.“It’sreallyhardnottostare,Rosie.Youmakeithard.”
Herlipsparted,butbeforeshecouldsayanything,shewaspushedintomychest.Forcefully.
Rosiegaspedasmyarmsdrapedaroundher,holdinghertomychest,myhandsimmediatelyfeelingtheliquidrunningdownherback.
“Thisreallyhastostop,”Igrittedundermybreath.“?Quécojoneslepasaaestagente?”
Becauseseriously,whatthehellwaswrongwitheveryoneatthisgoddamnparty?
Ilookedup,findingsomepersondressedlikea…Chewbacca?Heturnedaroundandtookhishairyheadoffandtuckeditunderhisarm.“I’msosorry.Ididn’tseeyouthere,sweetheart.”
IgnoringthewayheeyedRosieandthatsweethearthe’dletdropliketherehadn’tbeenaman—me—holdingher,IlookeddownatRosie.“Youokay,Ro?”
“Yes.”Shenoddedquickly,notmovingoutofmyembrace.“ButI’mcompletelycoveredinwhateverhe’dbeendrinking.”
Shewas.Andfromthewaythefabricofherdressfeltbetweenmyfingers,Icouldtelljusthowmuch.
Chewbaccasteppedclosertous.“Please,letmetakecareofthedry-cleaningbill.”HeshovedabusinesscardinRosie’sface,thenadded,“Mynumberisthere.Youcangivemeacall.Orletmegetyouadrink,I’llmakeitupto—”
“It’sokay,really.”Rosiecuthimoff,notacceptingit.“Noneedforanyofthat.”
Good,nowscatter,anillogicalandbasicpartofmewantedtosay.
“Yousure?”Chewbaccainsisted.“Noteventhedrink?”
“I’msure.”Shegavethemanapolitesmile,leaningmoreintome.“Butthankyou.”
Chewbaccastaredatherforabeatlongerthannecessary,asifhe’dbeenwaitingforhertochangehermind.
Ifrowned,holdingmyselfbackfrombarkingsomethingatthisguybecauseone,Ihadnorightto.Andtwo,Rosiehadhandledherselffinewithoutme.
Soinstead,IthrewanarmaroundhershoulderslikeI’dbeendyingtodothewholenight.Toodamnbadithadtobenowthatshewasdrenched,andIwasalittlepissed.
“Let’sgetyoudry.Thebathroomsmustbesomewhereclose.I’llhelpyoucleanup.”
Treadingtheswarmofdancingcreatures,superheroes,andmorethanafairshareofpopculturereferencesIdidn’tget,wefinallyfoundtherestrooms
Rosieuntangledherselffromme,leavingmebehind.
Choosingtoignoreetiquette,orsocietyrulesingeneral,Ifollowedherin,andthemomentshecaughtmyreflectioninthemirror,shecametoahalt.“Lucas,whatareyoudoing?”
“Helpingyouout.”Igavehermybestsmile.“LikeIsaid.Andbeforeyouthinkofcomplaining.Yes,Ihaveto.Andyes,Iwantto.”
“Thisistheladies’room.Youshouldn’tbehere.”
Ilookedaroundtomakesuretherewasn’tanyoneelseinhere.“I’vealwaysbeencuriousaboutit,”Ilied.Ionlywantedtobetherebecauseofher.Ifeltalittleoverprotectiveatthemoment.“Wonderedwhywomenspendsolonginhere.”
Ignoringme,Rosiegrabbedafewexpensive-lookingpapertowels.
Spottinganupholsteredchaiselonguebyacorner,Ismirked.“See?Nowthatwouldbeoneexplanation.Yougettolaydownforabit.Unwind.Doyougetrefreshmentsdeliveredhere,too?”
Rosiestoppedpattinghershoulderswiththetowelsandlookedover.“You’reridiculous.”Butshelaughed,whichIalwaysconsideredawin.“Ithoughtyouwereheretohelpme?”
Iperkedup.“Iam.”
“Thencomeoverhereandhelpme.”
“Oh.”Ipattedmychest.“Ilovewhenyoubossmearound,Graham,”IsaidasImademywaytoher,crossingtheunnecessarilyspaciousandlargeroom.Herarmwasstretchedoverhershoulder,tryingtoreachaspotinherback.“Holdon,letmegetthat.”
“Thanks,”shesaidquietly.
Igrabbedacoupleofpapertowelsandtookoverforher,gentlywipingthemoistureoffthevisibleskinonherback.“WhatthehellwasthatChewbaccacarryingaround?Abucket?”
Rosielaughed,gatheredherhairinherfist,andplaceditoverhershoulder,revealingthebackofherneck.Itwaslonganddelicate,andthesighthadmewettingmylipswithmytongue.
Animal,Ireprimandedmyself.
ButIstillwonderedhowthenapeofherneckwouldfeelundermyfingersifthelayerofpaperdisappeared.Wonderedifshewouldshiverundermytouch.WonderedwhatwouldhappenifIleaneddownand—
Christ.Don’tgothere,Lucas
Withasilentgroan,Iresumedthedabbing,myhandgoingaroundhershoulderonautomaticandreachingherfront.Ipaused,fingershoveringoverthatspotI’dbeensoconcentratedontonight.
Myheartleaped,thatcravingreturningwithavengeance.ThatwasprobablywhywhenIspottedarunawaydroplettrailingdownherchest,crossingthecurveofhercollarboneandfallingdangerouslyclosetoherneckline,Ididn’teventhinkaboutgoingforit.
Iretracedthedroplet’spathwiththetowel,slowly,delicately,watchingRosie’spulsecomealiveundermytouch.Takingnoticeofthecatchinherbreath.
BecauseIwanted—needed—toseeherface,mygazeshotupandmethereyesinthemirror.
Therewasaquestioninthem.Wonder.Hunger.Curiosity,too.
“Justtryingtogetallofit,”Itoldherinalowmurmur,keepingmyeyesonhers.“Iwouldn’twantyoutowalkaroundlikethisandcatchacold.”
“Oh.Okay,”shebreathedout.Andnow,Icouldfeelherheartbeatonmyfingertips,eventhroughthethintowel.“That’sgood.Reallygood.”
“Ilovebeinghelpful,”Isaid,eventhoughmyhandwasn’tevenmovingatthatmoment.
Herthroatbobbed.“Youknow,that’snotevenhalfofit,”shesaid,hervoicejoiningmineintheunderground.“Thedrinksomehowgotinside.Throughmydress.AndIthinkmyunderwearmightbe…youknow,wet.”
IswallowedsohardIevenheardthesound.“You…think?Youdon’tknowforsure?”
Sheshookherhead.
Myownimaginationturnedagainstme,flashingallkindsofimagesbehindmyeyes.Hergownslidingoffherbody.Rosieinherunderwear.Dropletstrailingdownherback.Reachingthebandofherpanties.Fallingevenlower,downherthighs,and—
“IthinkIneedtotakeitoff,”shesaid,bringingmeback.Sortof.Butnotreally,because—
“Takeitoff?Thedress?”Irasped.Orgrowled.Iwasn’tsure.“Now?”
Rosiemovedoutofmyreach,severingthecontact,andmakingmyhanddroptomyside.
“Yes,now,”sheconfirmed.
Isqueezedthepapertowelinmyfist.
Herarmflewtoherback,reachingforthezipperbutnotstretchingfarenoughtomakeit.“I’lljust—”Shestretchedfurther.“I’lltakeitoffanddryitunderthehanddryer.”Herarmwasbentatastrangeanglenow.“Ithinkyoucanleavenow,Lucas.”
Yes.No.I…Ishouldn’tbehereifshewasgoingtotakeoffherdress.BecauseI’dloseit.I’dpounceonher,seeinghowmyself-restraintwasstrugglingtonight.I’dwanttodothingstoher.Like—
Coldhead,Lucas
Iswallowed.“Rosie?”
“Yeah?”
“Howaboutwegetyouinsideastall,Iunzipyou,andyoutakeitoffthere?Doesthatsoundlikeaplan?”
Shejerkedtoahalt.Herbackreturningtoanaturalpositionandherarmsfallingtohersides.“Okay.Ithinkthatsoundsreasonable.”
“See?”Isighed,relievedbutnotreally.“ItoldyouIwasheretohelp.”
Shemadeafaceatme.
Whenwemovedtothecloseststall,Ithrewthedooropen,helditinthatpositionwithmyhip,andpositionedRosiesoshewasfacingtheinside.
And…allmymomentarycoolwentoutthewindow.
“Ready?”Iasked,justincase.JustsoIwouldn’tstartleherwithmytouch.JustsoI’dhaveacoupleofsecondstopreparemyself.
“Bornready,”shemurmured.
“I’mgoingtostartwiththetinybuttonatthetop.ThenI’llpullthezipperdown.”
Sheexhaledslowly.“Youdon’thavetonarrateit,Lucas.Justdoit.”
Mylipstwitchedatherimpatience,butthemomentmyfingersunclaspedthatfirstbutton,thatsmiledied.
MyjawclampeddowntightlyasIstartedmakingaworkofthezipper,slidingitdowndeliberatelygently,tellingmyselfthatitwasbecausethefabricwasthickandheavywheninreality,Iwashavingahardtimemakingmyfingersfunction.Takingadeeppullofairthroughmynose,Ikepttuggingatthezipperandmoreandmoreofthatsmooth,rosyskinwasunveiled,sendingmypulsethrummingallovermybody.
Iitchedtomovethedressoutofthewayandtouchher.Herskin.Tofeelifitwascoldorwarmundermyfingertips.Totraceherspinewiththebackofmyhandandseeifshewouldshiver.
Wefellintoachargedsilence,theonlysoundintheenclosedspacetheslowhissofthemetallicteethasmyrighthandkeptmovingdown,pullingattheslider,andreachingsomethingIhadn’tbeenpreparedfor.
ThebandofRosie’sunderwear.
Lace.Black.
Thesightsentmyheartintoasprint.Mybloodswirledandgathereddown,down,down.Inplacesthatwouldmakethissituationveryuncomfortabletoexplainifsomeonewalkedinonusrightnow.
“Lucas?”
“Yeah?”IthoughtIsaid.
“Ithink…”Shetrailedoff,hervoicethick.“Icantakeoverfromhere.”
AndbeforeIcouldopenmymouthtoattemptananswer,shewasdisappearinginsidethestall.
Myforeheadfellontothecloseddoor.Ahfuck.
Iwasn’tforgettingaboutthebandofherlacy,blackpantiesanytimesoon
Rosiegroanedfrominside.“OhGod.Ohno.”Apause.“I’mso…wet.”
Wet.Shewaswet.
Apainedsoundleftmeatherdeclaration.
“Canyoupassmeafewpapertowels?”sheaskedafterabeat.“Underthedoor?”
“Ofcourse.Roomie.”Roomie,fromroommates,remember,Lucas?IremindedmyselfasIgrabbedahandfuloftowelsandfollowedherinstructions.“Hereyougo.”
“Thanks,”shesaid,snaggingthemoffmyhand.Twosecondslater,herdresswashangingoffthetoppartofthestalldoor.
Iclosedmyeyesatthesight,summoningallmywillpowernottothinkaboutwhatthatmeant.Her,mostlynaked.Inherblacklaceunderwear.Wet
“Lucas?”
Iclearedmythroat.“Yeah?”
“Canyouputthegownunderthehanddryer?Justforacoupleofminutes.”Abeatofsilence.“WhileIcleanup.”
Grabbingthedress,Iwalkedtothehanddryerandplaceditunderneaththehotair.Thetaskservedasadistractionfrommywildlyinappropriatethoughts.
“Isitworking?”Rosieaskedafewminuteslater.
Itwasn’t.Notfastenough.Thefabricwasheavy,andonlymildlylessdampinmyhands.“Stillalittlewet.”
“IthinkI’mgoingtoputitbackon.We’vebeeninherelongenough,andIdon’tthinkit’sgoingtogetanybetterthanthis.”
Iwalkedbacktoherstallandheldthedressinfrontofme.And,ofcourse,thatwastheexactmomentsomeonedecidedtoentertherestroom.YetonemoresuperheroIdidn’trecognize.Werethose…hornsonherforehead?
“Hi,”Igreetedherwithanod.“Please,don’tmindme.I’m—”
And,beforeIknewwhatwashappening,IwasbeingpulledbackwardintoRosie’sstallandthedoorwasbeingclosedbehindus.Ishutmyeyes.
“Whywereyoustrikingupaconversationwithher?”shewhispered.
“Iwasbeingpolite,Ro,”Isaid,facingthedoorandgivingRosiemybacktobeextrasafe.“Abuelataughtmethatgoodmannersandasmilecangetyoualongway.Noneedtobejealous.”
“I’mnotjealous,”shescoffed.“Dress?”
Stillwithmybackturned—becauseIhadn’tforgottenaboutthefactthatshewasstandinginbarelyanyclothingrightbehindme—Ihelditupovermyshoulder.“Righthere.ButI’mnotgonnalie.I’mnotsureyou’regoingtowanttoputiton.”
Iheardhergroanwhensheretrievedit.“Dammit.”
Myimpulsewastoturnaroundandtellherthateverythingwouldbeokay,comfortherinsomeway,butIcouldn’t,shouldn’t,whenshewasbasicallynaked,andIwastryingtokeepittogether.“Youcanwearmyshirt,Rosie.Andmyjacket.Ithinkthey’relongenough.”
“Just…that?”
Donotvisualizeit,donotvisualizeit,Irecitedsilently.
Buttheprovocativeimage—Rosie,inmyclothes,barelegs,wet—tookshapeinmyheadsofastandsoclearlythatmynextwordbarelymadeitoutofmymouth.“Yes.”Iclearedmythroat.“Sure.Ihavenoproblemwalkingaroundshirtless,youknowthat.Plus,I’llstillhavethevest.”
Silence.
“Wearthem,”Iinsisted.“Icangetyououtofhere.Takeyouhome.”
Shesighed.AndshemusthavebeenstandingveryclosetomebecauseIfeltherbreathonmyback.Thenherforeheadfallingsomewherebetweenmyshoulderblades.
“Home.”Anotherburstofairleftherlips.“Thenightisover.Ruined,isn’tit?”
Thecleardisappointmentinhervoicemadesomethinginmychesttwist.
Withoutthinkingaboutit—abouteveryreasonwhyIshouldn’t—IturnedaroundandwrappedherbarelyclothedbodyintomyarmssoIcouldbringheragainstmychest.
Herskinwaswarmandstickywiththedriedspilleddrink,andIcouldn’tnotbreatheherinwhenIclosedmyeyesevenmoretightlyforgoodmeasure.
“I’msorry,Ro,”Itoldher,restingmychinonthetopofherhead.“I’llmakeyoupopcorn.Thecaramelandsaltonethatyoulike.Andwe’llwatchascarymovie.Thenightisn’tover.”
Herarmshadbeensomehowtrappedbetweenourchests,andIfelthowherpalmsshifted,comingtorestagainstmypecs,makingmewanttograbherwristsandpullherarmsaroundmyneck.
Astrangledsoundcameoutofher,muffledbymyclothes,soIstartedtoreleaseher.Butsheclampedthefabricofmyvest,pullingatitandkeepingmeinplace.“Youare…”Sheexhaledshakily,makingmefrownandwishIwasabletoopenmyeyessoIcouldseeherface.“Youareincredible,Lucas.AndIthinkyouhavenoidea.”
Eyesstillclosed,Iletmyrighthandwanderdown—onlyafewsafeinches—soitrestedinthemiddleofherback.Mythumbgrazedherwarm,stickyskin.“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Becauseyouarehere,helpingme,insteadofouttherehavingfunand…and…Idon’tknow,livingyourbestlifewithouthavingtoworryaboutme.”
Mybrowsknittedfurther.
Havingtoworryabouther?
DidshethinkIfeltlikeIneededtoworry?Didshenotseethatthiscamenaturallytome?ThatIcouldn’tcontrolit,evenifIwantedto?
BeforeIcouldvoiceanyofthosequestions,Ifeltherheadmoveoutfromundermychin.“You’resoincrediblethatyouevenshutyoureyessoyouwouldn’tgetaglimpseofmeinmyunderwear.”Hervoicesoundedoff,andconcernzippedstraightintomygut.“Ididn’tevenaskyoutodothat.”
“Becauseyoudon’thavetoaskme,Rosie.”
Ifelthershiverinmyarms.Then,herbodystartedshakingundermyhands,againstmychest.MybrainflippedintoautopilotandItriedtopullherbacktome,toheatherskininanywayIcould.
Butsheresisted.
“You’reshaking,Rosie.”Ididn’tevenrecognizemyvoiceforasecond.IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dsoundedso…desperate.Pleading.ButIwasn’tashamedofanyofthoseemotions,soIpattedmychestwithonefist.“Comehere.Letmekeepyouwarm.”
ButIdidn’tfeelhermove.Didn’tevenhearherspeakforseveralmoments.
Untilshesaid,“Openyoureyes,Lucas.”
Myheadgaveacurtshake.“No.”
Handsstillholdingontothefrontofmyvest,shepulledatit,bringingmeclosertoher.Makingmypulsethrumfaster.Wilder.
“ThisiswhatImeantearliertoday,”shesaid.“WhenyoutoldmeyoulefttheapartmentsoI’dchange.Thatyoudidn’twanttoseemerunningaroundinmyundergarments.”
Iremembered,ofcourseIdid.
“Woulditbesobad?Youlookingatme?”HervoicehadaqualitythatIdidn’tlike,asifI’dhurther.SomethingIcouldn’tstandbutdidn’tknowhowtofix.
Shepulledatmeagain,bringingmeevenclosertoher.Rippingatmyrestraint.
NowIfelttheoutlineofherbody—thecurveofherbreasts,thedipofherstomach—againstme,pushingmetomyverylimit.
Andwhenshesaid,“Iwantyoutoopenyoureyes,Lucas.Ineedyouto.”
Ineedyouto.
Itwasthatneedthatkilledme,knowingthatsheneededme,wantedme,todosomethingforher.Mywillpowergoodanddone.IwaslongpastthepointwhereIcouldplaythenoblefriendanymore.
Myrestraintsnapped.
AndIopenedmyfuckingeyes.
Mygazebathedinthesightbeforeme.OfRosie,innothingbutherunderwear,allcurlsframingherbeautifulface,allplushcurvesthatcalledouttome.Totouchher—notlikeI’ddoneatanypointinthepast—buttolearnher.Toletmyhandsroamleisurelyalongherskinuntiltherewasn’taninchIdidn’tknowbyheart.
Shewasgorgeous.Stunning.Everythingandanythingamancouldwant.AndshewaslookingatmeasifbracingherselftoseemeboltwhenI’ddoanythingtostay.
“Rosie,”IsaidafterIcaughtmygoddamnbreath.“IfyouthinkthisissomethingIdon’twanttosee,thenyouhavemefiguredoutallwrong.”
Herlipspartedwithsurprise.
Surprise
Ishookmyhead,andbecausemyrestraintwasgone,Ifinally,openly,letmygazetaketheirfill.Myeyesrandownhersmoothneck,takinginthesoftcurveofhershoulderandreachingtheswellofherbreasts,hardlycontainedbyamatchingblacklacebra.
Becausemyrestrainthadvanished,Ialsoallowedmyselftotouchher—finally,fuckingfinally—tocircleherwaistwithmyhands,feelingherwarmandsuppleunderthem,towrapmypalmsaroundhersidessoIcouldmoveherasIpleased.
Rosie’sbreathleftherinapuff,andshetookholdofmyshoulders.
Myhandstraveledup,untilmythumbswerebrushingtheunderswellofherbreasts.“DoyouthinkIdon’twanttoseethese?”Thetipsofmyfingersgrazedheragain,thecontactthroughthelacealreadydoingmad,crazythingstome.“Touchyoulikethis?”
Rosiearchedherbackinanswer,bringingherselfcloser,andmydicktwitchedinmypantsatthesight,thenearnessofherbody.
“There’snothingaboutyouIdon’twanttosee.”Myhandsflewtoherwrists,myfingerswrappingaroundthem.Ibroughtonetomymouthandsaidintoherskin,“You’reasight,Rosie.Afuckingsight.Likeamirage.Anillusion.Whatmaninhisrightmindwouldn’twanttoseeyou?”
Rosie’smouthreleasedawhimperthatspoketothatprimalpartofmeI’dtriedtokeepatbaytonight.
Withoutanysenseofrationalthought,Isteppedtowardher,andinaswiftmotion,IturnedusarounduntilIhadheragainstthecloseddoor.
Ileaneddown,makingsuremymouthwasclosetoherearwhenIaskedher,“Areyouevenreal?”
“I’mreal,”Rosiesaidsobreathlesslythattheywerebarelywords.“Youcantouchme,ifyoudon’tbelieveme.”
“Touchyou.”Igroanedattheideaofmereallydoingthat,notthesimplebrushofmyfingersagainstherskinbutreallytouchingher,everywhere.Wantthat.IpulledRosie’sarmsup,pinningherhandsaboveherhead.“Don’tsaythingsyoudon’tmean,Rosie.Don’tofferthingsyou’lltakeback.”
Shearchedherbackagain,pushingherbreastsintomychest.“Iwon’ttakeitback.”
MyhandstightenedagainstherwristsasIleaneddown,andIpressedmylipsonherskinwhenIsaid,“Iwanttodothenoblething,Rosie.”Idippedmynoseinherhair,takingthatdeepwhiffofherscentliketheanimalIwas.“ButI’mfindingitreallyhardwhenallIwanttodoissinfulthingstoyou.”
Herchestheavedagainstminebeforeshesaid,“Youcanbeboth.Doboth.”
No.“RemembermetellingyouIcouldn’tgiveyoucuteandmessy?”Irasped,steppingintoher,pressingherharderintothedoor.Shenoddedherhead,andIhummeddeepinmythroat.“Thisisthesame.IfI’mnoble,Istepaway.Wrapyouinmyjacketandtakeyouhome.”
RosiepulledagainsttheholdIhadaroundherwrists,andwhenIdidn’tgivein,shemetmygazeandsaid,“No.”
Itwastheneedinhereyes,thewaysheshudderedatthethoughtofmepullingaway,thatobliteratedthatlastthreadandsnappedsomethinginsideofme,somethingbigger,wilder.Whatpokedatthebeast.
“Keepthemhere,”Igrunted,pressingonherwriststostayaboveherhead.Iswallowed,unabletoreinmyselfin.“Youwantsinful,”Itoldher,movingmyhandsdown,palmsopenandready.“It’dbesoeasy,Rosie.”Mythumbsbrushedtheswellsofherbreasts,thenplayedwiththepuckeredpeaksoverthefabricofherlacybrabeforedescendingagainandreachingtheedgeofherpanties.Itoggledwiththethinfabric,mypulseracing,flyingatthethoughtsrushingthroughmyhead.“Icouldslipthesetotheside,andmakeyoufeelgood.Fuckyousillywithmyfingers.”
Shegaspedinsurprise—inneed—andthesound,theimageofRosie’spartedlipsinapleasureIhadn’tevengivenheryet,mademesohardthatIhadnochoicebuttopressmyselfagainsther.Pushedmyhipsrightagainsthers,onehasty,hardthrust,pullinganotherabandonedmoanfromher.
“Ah,Rosie,”Igruntedagain,claspingthefabricofherunderwearnow,holdingontothatlastsliverofsense.“What’sanangellikeyoudoingwithsomeonelikeme?”
Astrangled,harshsoundleftherlipsbeforeshewhisperedmyname,“Lucas—”
“Rosie?”Afamiliarvoiceslicedrightthroughthemoment.“Hello,Rosie?Areyouhere?”
Icursedundermybreath,mybodyfreezingaroundhers.
Rosie’seyelidsflutteredshut,andIcouldseethelossonherface.LossIfoughttoothandnailasItriedtopullmyselfbacktogether,tocooldownwhateverwasgoingoninmyhead,mychest,mypants.
“Hello?”Lina’svoicecameagain,thedistresswasobviousinmycousin’svoice.“Jesus,I’velookedeverywhere.”
Rosie’seyesopened,agrimacetwistingherlips.“Iam!I’mhere!Hey.”
ShelookedatmeandIforcedmyselftogivehertheeasiestsmileIcouldmanage.Then,Iplacedakissontopofherhead.
“Finally!”Linaexclaimed,hervoicecomingclosertothestall.“Whathappened?YoudisappearedandIcouldn’tfindyou.”
Rosie’smouthopened,butnowordscameout.
“HaveyouseenLucas?”Linacontinued.“Wecan’tfindhim,either.”
IcouldseeRosiestrugglingtoanswer.Topotentiallyexplainhowsheendedupwithmeinabathroomstall.ToexplainwhyshewashalfnakedandIhadthefaceofastarvedmanandabulgepressingagainstmyzipper.
“Aaronisintherestrooms,too,lookingforhim,”Linaadded.
Rosie’slipskeptbobbing,anditbecamecleartomewhatshewashavingtroublewith.WhatIhadtodo.
Shakingmyhead,Imouthed,I’mnothere.
Afrowncurledherbrows.
“Rosie?”Linacalled.“Youokayinthere?”
Igaveheranothershake.
“Yeah,”Rosieanswered,avertinghereyes.“Someguyspilledadrinkonme.Iwascleaningup.”
“Ohno,thatsucks.Didyoumanageokayordoyouneedmetogetinandhelp—”
“No!”Rosieyelled,stilllookingsomewheretomyleft.“It’sallundercontrol.”
Hercheekshadturnedadeepshadeofpinkatsomepoint.ProbablywhenI’dbeengropingatherlikethedesperatebastardIwas.
“IsLucaswaitingoutside,then?”Linachuckled.“He’snothidingintherewithyouorsomething,right?”
Rosieseemedthrownoffbythecomment,andIunderstood.Ireallydid.LinahadmadeitperfectlyclearhowshefeltaboutthepossibilityofRosieandmetogether.
Ishookmyheadforher.EvenifIhatedtodothat.
“No,”Rosiesaidwithafakelaugh.“Usinastallwouldbecrazy!Andstupid.”
Mystomachsouredatherwords,butIpickedupthegownfromthefloor,whereithadendedwhenI’dpouncedonher,andIhelpedherininsilence.
Onlywhenshewasdressedandzippedupdidshemeetmygazeagain.
Icouldtellshewasdoingherbesttohidehowshefeltaboutallofthis,whichwasn’tgood,butasmuchasIdidn’tlikeitmyself,Ihadnochoicebuttomouth,Yougofirst.I’llwait
Withanod,sheleftthestallandjoinedmycousin.Iheardtheirstepsastheymadetheirwayout.LeavingmetomyownthoughtswhileIwaitedtoleave,longenoughsoIwouldn’tgetcaught.
Getcaught
NeverinmylifehadIletanybodyswaymyactions.Neverallowedtheworld,ortheiropinions,todictatehowIlived.WhoIbefriended,dated,orfucked.I’dnevercaredenough.AndIdidn’tcarewhatLinawouldthinkofRosieandme.
IcaredaboutRosie.
Abouthertrust,andaboutourfriendship.Iwantedtodorightbyher.Iwantedhertohaveeverythingshedeserved.Becauseshedeservedeverything,asmuchasthatwasn’tme.
Becauseyou’releaving,Iremindedmyself.
Yeah.That,too.CHAPTERNINETEENRosie
AweekaftertheMasqueradeBallparty,twothingshadbecomeclear.
ThefirstwasthatasmuchasIthoughtitwould,whathadgonedownbetweenLucasandmeinthatbathroomstallhadn’tchangedanythingbetweenus.
Hissmileshadn’tgrownsmallerorfewerinnumber.Ourroutinewasstillthesame:hecookedformeeverynightandIwatchedhimfrommypostatthekitchenisland.Afterdinner,webingedonourshow,andwhenweslippedinbed—andcouch—heaskedmehowmanywordsI’dwrittenthatday,andIaskedhimtotellmesomethingabouthisday.
Hisanswersusuallyincludedsomethingfunnyorstrangehehadseenorexperiencedthatday,andmineadecentwordcount.
Finally.
BecauseIwaswriting.Ourexperiment,ourresearch,eveniftechnicallyincomplete,wasalreadyworking.Forbetterorforworse,IwasbeginningtorealizethatLucasmightbetheclosestthingI’deverhavetoamuse.Andthatwas…exhilaratingandterrifying.
Wewerefriends.Welivedtogether.Wewentondatesthatwerenotreal,thatweren’tmeanttomakearelationshipmoveforward.Wesharedhot,intimate,hushedmomentsinbathroomstallsandwentonliketheyhadn’tbeenmorethanadream.
WhichbroughtmetothesecondthingI’drealized:Iwasplayingadangerousgame.Becauseasmuchasthiswholethingwashelpingme,thefactthatLucas’sstayinNewYork—inmylife—hadanexpirationdatewasstartingtotakemoreandmorespaceinmymind.ItwasstartingtomakemedesperatetograbeverysinglethingIcouldtakefromhimbeforeheleft.NotforRosie,DateNight.ButforRosie,EveryOtherNight
AndIseemedwillingtoignoretheconsequences.Theprice.LikeignoringIcouldstillfeeltheimprintofhishandsonmyskin,orpretendingIcouldn’tsummonthewordshe’dwhisperedinmyear.We’dmadeapactanyway.We’dsaidwewouldn’tlettheexperimentchangethingsbetweenus,affectourfriendship.He’dpromisedhewouldn’tfallinlovewithme,forcryingoutloud.AndthatwasprobablywhynothinghadchangedforhimaftertheMasqueradeBall.
“Youdonewiththis,Rosie?”Sally—thebaristaatmyfavoritecaféinManhattan—said,joltingmebacktoreality.Shebalancedatrayonherhip.“I’lltakeyourmugawayifyouare.”
“Yes,thankyou.”Igrabbedmyemptymugandplateforher.“Thenewcinnamonrollsareamazing,bytheway.I’mthinkingoftakingacoupleofthemhome.”
BecauseLucaswouldlovethem.
“Wantanotheronefornow?Lookslikeyou’reworking.”Shepointedatthelaptopsittingonthetable.“Youcanusesomeextrafuel.”
“No,thanks.IthinkI’mgoingtostartwrappingupandheadhomesoon.”
Withanod,sheplacedeverythingonthetrayandwalkedbacktothecounter.
AsIfinishedsavingmysecuritybackup,amannearthecountercaughtmyattention.Heworeasleekblacktuxandwastappinghisfootonthefloor.Hestoodoutlikeasorethumbinthecasualatmosphereofthecoffeeshop.
Justlikeitusedtohappenonceuponatime,myheadstartedimaginingthepossiblescenariosthathadbroughthimhere.Maybehewasonhiswaytoagala,notexactlyunusualinManhattan.Orperhapshewasreturningfromoneandwasinsheerneedofcaffeine.Orwhoknew,maybehehadslippedunnoticedoutofaneventandwhatI’dthoughtwasimpatiencewasactuallyhimfightingtheurgetoboltbeforegettingcaught.Hecouldbea…runawaygroom.
Runawaygroomleavesbrideatthealtarandfallsinloveatfirstsightwithabarista.Orthepastrymaster.Orthepatronthathespillscoffeealloverinhishastetoescape.
Iwassmilingtomyself,thinkingthatwouldbearomancebookI’dlovetoread,whenthemanturnedaroundandmetmygaze.
Hiseyeswidenedwithrecognition.
RunawayGroomwasAidenCastillo,thecontractor.
HewavedatentativehandandIreturnedthegesturewithanod.Thenhecollectedhisorderandstrodeinmydirection.Andashedid,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticethatI’doverlookedhowhandsomeAidenCastillowasthatdaywe’dmet.
“Youlookgreat,Mr.Castillo,”Iblurtedabsentlywhenhereachedmytable.HiseyebrowsarchedandIshookmyhead.“Whichisaweirdwayofsaying,hi,howareyou?”
Mr.Castillolaughed.“I’mdoinggood,andthankyou,Iappreciatethecompliment.”Heloweredhisvoiceasifhewaslettingmeintoasecret:“AlthoughifI’mbeingcompletelyhonest…IhatethetuxandafterthedayI’vehad,I’mdyingtogetitoff.”
AscuriousasIwas,askinghimtoelaboratewouldbenoneofmybusiness.SoIwentwith,“Well,that’stoobad.”Aloudgigglecamefromthetableclosesttothewindow,andaquickglancetoldmethesourcewasasmallgroupofteenagers.“Don’tlook,”Itoldhim.“ButIthinkyoumighthavealittlefancluboverthere.Andthey’dbesuperdisappointediftheyheardyousayingthat.”
Mr.Castillo’sexpressionfilledwithhumor.“Well,Iwouldn’twanttodisappointthem,soIguesswecankeepthatbetweenus.”
Hewasaniceman,Ithought.
Andforsomereason,aflashbackofmebawlingonLucas’schestcametomind.“Abouttheotherday,duringthevisitatmyapartment,Ishouldprobablyapologizeforhow…veryuncomfortablethatvisitmusthavebeenforyou,sonowthatIseeyouhere”—Ishruggedashoulder—“Iwantto,youknow,saysorry.”
“Noneedtoapologize,”hesaidwithawaveofhishand.“There’snopointindenyingmybrother-in-lawisanasshole.”
“Oh,soyou’refamilywithMr.Allen?”
Henoddedwithasigh.“Forbetterorforworse.”Heseemedtothinkofsomething.“Whichremindsme,I’mnotsureifhe’scalledyouyetandgaveyouthenews.”
Ifrowned.Thenews?
“Okay,”Mr.Castillosaid.“Sohehasn’t,Isee.”Heshookhishead.“IhavethispolicyofnoworktalkonaSundaybutIthinkIcanmakeanexception.”Apause.“Yourapartmentwillbereadyforyoutomovebackinsoon.OnFriday,probably.”
Friday.
Thatwas…infivedays.Lessthanaweek.
Hesmiled,andinthatmoment,IthoughtofLucas’sgrin.AndhowMr.Castillo’sdidn’tmakemefeel…anything
“Oh,”Ibreathedout,disappointmentsettlingdeepinmystomach.
Disappointment
BecausethatmeantnomorelivingwithLucas.Andsoon,ourfourexperimentaldateswouldrunout.Becausewewereondatethreeoutoffour,ifwecountedHalloweenasone.Whichweprobablyshould;whereelsewouldthatnightfitotherwise?
Andafterourresearchwasover,ifwedidn’tlivetogether,Iwouldn’tbespendinganymoretimewithLucas.
NomoreLucas.
Becauseafterthathe’dleaveNewYork,too.
Takinginadeep,shakybreath,InoticedMr.Castillofrowning.
“That’sgood,”IcroakedwhenIrecovered.“Reallygood.Verygood.Thankyou.”
Hetiltedhishead.
Ishookmine,cursingmyselfforbeingsosilly.Ishouldbehappy.Thiswasgoodnews.
“Sorry,I’mjust…”Whywasmythroatfeelingdry?“I’mtiredandthat’swhymyfaceisnotshowingit,butI’mreallyhappy.Thanksforlettingmeknow,Mr.Castillo.”
Thatseemedtoappeasehimsomehow,becausehewavedhishandinfrontofhimandsaidwithanewsmile,“Please,callmeAiden.”
“Oh,sure.”Itriedtoreturnit,willingmylipsup.“YoucancallmeRosie,too.”
“Perfect.”Henoddedhisheadslowly,asifcominguptoadecision.“Youknow,I’mactuallyveryhappyIranintoyou.Iwaswondering,nowthatwe…”
ThedooropenedbehindMr.Castillo,hisvoicefadingintothebackgroundthemomentInoticedthemanenteringthecoffeeshop.
Myheartdidacartwheelinmychest,thesweetestbrandofsurprisefillingmytummy,evenifIhadtoldLucasthatI’dbeworkinghere.
Lucasspottedmeimmediately.HewaswearinghisblueINYCcapandhisfacewaspartingwiththatbrightsmileIwishedwasjustforme.Me,Rosie.NotforRosie,hisroommateorfriend.
IwatchedLucasstrideinmydirection,hisgazefastenedtomine,movinglikeamanonamission,closingthedistancealmostasquicklyasthebeatingofmyheart.
HecametoastopbesideAiden,hisfocusonme,andsaid,“Hello,preciosa.”
“Hi,”Ianswered,thewordcomingoutwobblyatthatpreciosa
I’dlookeditup.Iknewwhatitmeant,anditmightbeoneofmyfavoritewordsnowthathe’ddecidedtouseitonmeeverytimehesawme.
Preciosa.Beautiful.Precious.Gorgeous.
Aidenclearedhisthroat,remindingmethathewasstillthere.Andjudgingbyhisexpression,hewaswaitingfor…something?
“So,whatdoyousay,Rosie?”Aidensaid,lookingatmewithasmallfrown.“Iknowthisgreatplace.It’snotfarfromhere,actually.”
IblinkedatAiden.Crap.Ihadnoideawhathemighthaveaskedme.I’dgottendistracted.BefuddledbyLucas’sarrival.Bythatpreciosa.Byhim.
Aiden’ssmilefaltered,graduallyfalling.“Iwassayingthatifyou’redonehere,wecouldheadoutandgrababite.”Hepaused,andIwatchedhiseyesbouncingup,probablyfollowingthemotionofmybrowsshootingtomyhairlinewithshock.Washe…askingmeout?Hescratchedthebackofhisneck.“Isaidthatifyoureallydidn’tmindthetux,ormyfanclub,Icouldtakeyou.Iwashopingyou…”Astrangelaughlefthim,andIwasprettysureheblushed.“ButIthinkImighthavereadallofthatwrong.”
Okay,hehadbeenaskingmeout.
Mycheeksflamed.
AndLucaswasstandingrightthere,notsayingaword.Just…watching.Insilence.Probablyfeelingawkwardandthinkingofajokehe’dmakelateron.
“I…”Iscrambledforananswer.“No,yougotthatright,Mr.Castillo.Thetuxisgreat.Youlookreallyhandsome.”
ItwasthenthatIsomehowdecidedtolookoveratLucas.AndIcouldn’tmissthewayhetensedup.Infact,itwashardtomisshowhelookeddownathimself.Aquickglancedown,asifcheckingforsomething.
Andbecausemyowngazefollowedthemotion,itwasonlythenthatIspottedthebaghangingoffLucas’shand.Iimmediatelyrecognizedthetakeawaylogoonitsside.
IlookedbackatMr.Castillo,andasifhehadbeenwaitingformetoreturnmyattentiontohim,hesaid,“Aidenisfine,remember?”
Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsawLucas’sfingerstighteningaroundthehandlesofthebag.
MyeyesreturnedtoLucas’sface,hisexpressionneutral,hissmilestiff.
“Lucas,”Isaid,hatingthewayhismouthpressedinsomethingthatwasn’thissmile.“DoyourememberAiden,thecontractor?”
Lucasgavehimanod.“Yes,Iremember.”
Aidenreturnedit.“Gladtoseeyouagain,Lucas.You’reRosie’s…”Hetrailedoff.
Myheartseemedtostop,waiting,eventhoughIhadnoreasontoanticipatehisanswer.
ItwasafterwhatseemedthelongestfivesecondsofmylifethatLucassaid,“Rosie’sfriend.”
I’dbelyingifthatdidn’thurttheteeniest,tiniestbit.Becauseitdid.Asmuchasitwastrue.
“Okay,good.”Iclappedmyhandssoftly,pushingdownwhatIhadnobusinessfeeling.“Everyonerememberseveryone,that’sgood.Reallygood.”
Myeyesbouncedfromonemantotheother,finallysettlingonAiden,towhomIstillowedananswer.
Rosie’sfriend
LucasandIwerefriends.
SoIcouldtellAidenyes.Icouldgoonthisdate.Itwouldn’tbemorethanjustthat,dinner,butIcouldstillgo.PerhapsIshouldgo.ButeverysinglecellinmybodytoldmethattherewasfoodfortwointhatplasticbagLucasheldinhishand.ThatLucashadalreadyplannedtohavedinnerwithme,justlikewedideveryday.Andasmuchasitprobablydidn’tmeananythingforLucas,notmorethansharingamealwithhisroommate,hisfriend,itdidforme.SomuchthatIrealizednowhowbadlyIwantedLucastobetheoneaskingmeout.Takingme,Rosie,outonadate.Arealone.
ButLucasdidn’tdorealdates.Notanymore.Notnow.He’dbeenclearaboutthat.
“Thankyoufortheoffer,Aiden.”Igavehimapolitesmile.“ButIthinkI’mgoingtoheadhome.”
IwasbusygaugingAiden’sreaction,becausedisappointingpeoplegavemeanxietyandbecauseIlikedAidenandIfearedIwasmakinghimfeelawkward,whenLucasspoke.
“Withme,”hesaid,makingmyheartflap,flap,flapinmychest.“She’sgoinghomewithme.”
Histonehadn’tbeenloud,orbrash.Hehadn’teveninjectedanyemotioninhiswords,whichwassorareforhim.Andyet,that“withme”hadbeensopowerful,someaningfulforme,thatIknewit’dbeimprintedinmymemoryforalongtime.
Becausehe’dtalkedasifIwerehis.
“Yeah,”Ifelttheneedtoexplain.ToAiden?Myself?Ididn’tknow.“We’relivingtogetheratthemoment,whilemyapartmentisbeingfixed.”
UnderstandingdawnedinAiden’sexpression.“Oh,right.Thatmakessense.”Henoddedhishead.“Okay,soIguessEd—Mr.Allen—willgiveyouacallatsomepointthisweektotalkdetailsaboutyoumovingback.”Hegavemeonelastsmile.“Haveagoodnight,Rosie.”Heturnedtohisleft.“Lucas.”
Andwiththat,Aidendisappearedthroughthedoorofthecafé.
WhenIfinallylookedoveratLucas,Ifoundhiseyesonme.Hisexpressionwasstillthesame.Off.“Movingback?”
“Oh,”Isaid,busyingmyselfasIgatheredmystuffandthrewitinmylaptopbag.“AidentoldmethatImightbeabletomovebacktomyplaceonFriday.”Hearinghowsombermyvoicehadsounded,Ifakedanenthusiastic,“Yay!”
Lucashesitatedforthetiniestmoment,butthenagenuine,realsmile—notwhateverhadbeengoingonwithhismouthuntilnow—tookoverhisface.“Ah,that’samazing,Ro.”Heplacedhishandsonmyshoulders,thenturnedmearoundtofacehimbeforebringingmetohischest.AndI…Imeltedrightintohim,becauseIwasfoolishandhelplesswhereLucaswasconcerned.“Thisisgreatnews.”
Atleastsomeonethoughtitwas.
HereleasedmeandwatchedmeasIstumbledbackward.Ifumbledwithmyjacket,tryingtohidemydazedexpression
“Weshouldcelebrate,”Lucassuggested.AndInoddedwithmorefakeenthusiasm.“GoodthatIhaveChickenKaraage.Fortwo.Probablyforfour,actually.”Heliftedthetakeawaybagintheair,andmychestconstrictedbecauseIhadbeenright.He’dpickedupdinnerforme,too.Ofcoursehehad.“Wecanopensomewine,too.”
“Soundsamazing.”Imanagedawobblysmile.
Lucasreachedformypackedlaptopbagandhungitacrosshischest.“Let’sgohome,then.”Hetookatinystepbackward,lettingmethroughfirst.“Afteryou,preciosa.”
Mystepfalteredathearingthatwordagain,butIkeptmovingforward.
Let’sgohome,then.
Home.WithLucas.
Notformuchlonger,though.CHAPTERTWENTYLucas
Jealousy.Thatwasnew.
ItwasnothinglikethosequickandthoughtlessgutreactionsI’dexperiencedinthepast.Ohno,thiswasmoreintensethanfast,andcertainlynotthoughtless.Itwasthefullthing.Thefull-onblood-boiling,gut-wrenching,want-to-growlthing.
I’dwantedtosaysomethingbackatthecafé.I’dwantedtomarkmyterritoryandsaymine,likeaNeanderthal.Ananimal.
JustlikeI’dbehavedattheHalloweenparty.
ButIwasn’tsupposedtothinkaboutthat.
I’dtriedmybestthesepastfewdays,andfailed.I’dtriedtopretendthatthosemomentsinthatstallweren’tallIthoughtofwhenRosiebitherlipinthought,orwhenshecamecloseandIgotawhiffofherscent,orwhenourhandsbrushedreachingforthesaltandcaramelpopcornImadeforher.
Somedays,Ifoundexcusestotouchher.I’dtellhershehadsomethinginherhair.OrthatI’dthoughttherehadbeensomethingclingingtoherclothes.Sometimes,Ireachedforheranddidn’tcomeupwithanexcuseintimesoIjustsmiledatherlikeatotalidiot,andhopedforthebest.
AndhereIwas,feelingjealous.LikeIhadanyrighttoclaimownershipoverRosieafteracoupleofexperimentaldatesandwhisperingsomedirtywordsinherear.
HowdidIdaretocallhermineafterjustthat?
ShedeservedmenintuxedosthattookhertofancyplacesinManhattan.AndI…didn’tevenownatux.Ididn’tevenhaveabutton-downshirtorablazerwithme,forcryingoutloud.
Itwaslaughable,really.
NowonderLinahadflippedattheideaofusbecoming…whatever,everything,anything.
“Lucas?”Rosie’svoicedrewmyattentionbacktoherasweexitedthesubwaystationclosesttoourplace.Ourplace,whichwasn’tevenoursandwewouldn’tbesharingformuchlonger.
Isighed.“Yeah,Ro?”
“I’vebeenthinking,”shesaidsoslowlythatitmademeglanceoverather.“Actually,Ihaven’tbeenthinkingthisforlong,butIwaswondering,youknow,nowthatI’mwriting,andourexperimentisworking,ifitmakessenseanymore.”
MyfingerstightenedaroundthebagIwascarrying.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well,you’vehelpedmesomuchalready,youknow?IthinkImighthaveeverythingundercontrol.Ithasbeenallslowlycomingtome,andI’mnolongerlost,pokingaroundinafog.Andwesaidwewouldn’tallowthisarrangementtoputanyawkwardnessbetweenusbutI…”Sheblewairthroughhermouth.“I…Idon’tknow,Lucas,itfeltalittleawkwardatthecoffeeshopsoIjust—”
Shestoppedherself.Shewaslookingeverywherebutatme,andIdidn’tlikethat.Notonebit.BecauseIwantedhereyesonme,especiallyifshewastalkingaboutsomethingimportant.
Icametoastoponthesidewalkandwaiteduntilshemetmygaze.“Doyouwanttodatehim?Aiden?”Iasked,keepingmyvoiceaslightasIpossiblycould.Becauseifthatwasthereason,Iwantedtohearit.Ineededtohearit.“Youwanttogoonrealdates?”
Iwantedtotakebackthewordreal,becausewhateverhadhappenedbetweenus,onthosetwoexperimentaldatesorevenattheMasqueradeBall,hadn’tbeenfaked,forced,ornotrealinanyway.ButI’dusedit,becauseifshewantedrealdateswithothermen,whowasItostopher?
ButRosiedidn’tseemtomindmyuseofthewordandI’dbelyingifIsaidthatthatdidn’tsting.“MaybeIwanttherealthing.NotwithAiden,butmaybeIwanttherealdates.”
Ofcourse,shedid.
Andthatfeltlikeasuckerpunchtothegut.
CouldIevengiveherthat?No,Icouldn’twhenIwasleaving.IwantedtogiveherthingsIdidn’thave.
Somethingmusthavechangedinmyexpressionbecauseherbrowsfurrowedinconfusion.“Thethreeexperimentaldateswe’vegoneonhavebeenmorethanIcouldhaveaskedfor.”
“Twodates.”Icarefullyplacedahandatthesmallofherbackandresumedwalking.“We’veonlygoneontwo,Ro.”
“Ithoughtwewerecountingthemasqueradeasone.”
Iretractedmyarm,readjustingthestrapofherlaptopbagonmyshoulderjustsoIwouldn’tdosomethingstupid.Orreckless.“Why?Ididn’tplananything.Infact,Ididn’tdoasinglething.”
Phasethree.Infatuation.Intimacy.Seduction.Irememberedthosethreepointsperfectly.I’dbeenthinkingaboutthemalot
“Youdid,Lucas,”shesaid,returninghergazetothesidewalkaheadofus.“Inphasethree,thephysicalconnectiontakesthewheel.Theinfatuationbecomestangible,abreathinglivingthingbetweenthetwo…parties.It’saboutbreakingthatbarrierthatholdsyoubackandlettinggo.Seeifthatpersonpullsyouinenoughtowanttomovethingsforward.Letthemprogressintophysicalintimacy.”
“Isee.”Ididn’tjustsee;Ifeltitinmypulse.Ifeltitdruminmybody.
Rosiechuckledanditwassoftandself-conscious.“Idon’tthinkI’deverbeenproperlyseduced,”shetoldme,asifthatwasn’tsupposedtomakemewanttohowlatthemoonlikealunatic.Whatthehellwaswrongwithme?Shecontinued,“Like,sure,allmenI’vedatedhavesaidordonethingstogetinmypanties.Successfully,Imayadd.”Andthatdidn’tdoanythingtoappeasethebeast,ifmyknucklesturningwhitearoundthebagwereanythingtogoby.“Butnever,like,youknow.Whathappened.”
Whathappened.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,Ihadcometoastopagain.“Rosie—”
“Idon’twanttomakethisweird,”shesaid,stoppingastepaheadofme.“BecauseI’msureitwaslikealapseinjudgmentorwhatever.”Hercheeksturnedpink.“Imean,Iliterallyhadtoforceyoutolookatme.Butitstillcounts.Researchisresearch.”
Thatwaswhatshethought?
“Forceme?”Ispatout,steppinginherdirection.“Youthinkyouhadtoforcemetolookatyou?Inthenameofresearch?”
“Youdon’thavetoexplainanything.AndIshouldn’thavephraseditlikethat,either.”
Myteethground.Mydisbeliefturnedtofrustration,becausehowcouldsheeverthinkthatI—
“Rosie,”Isaid,makingsureIwascomingascloseaspossibletoherwithouttouchingher.BecauseifIdid,Iknewit’dbegameoverforme.“Ifweweren’tfriends,”Itoldher,voicelikegravel.“Goodfriendslikeweare,bestfriends”—Iwatchedhereyelidsfluttershut—“Iwouldtakeyousomewheredarkandripyourclothesoffwithmyteethwithoutcaringtohaveagoodreason.JustsoIcouldseeyou,haveyoutomyself.”
Rosie’slipsparted,andwhenhertonguecameoutandwetherlips,italmostbecamephysicallyimpossibleformetoholdbackanylonger.God,Iwantedtotouchher,lickher,kisshereverywhere.
Isteppedawayinabriskmotion.ThenImovedforwardagain,andasifcompelled,Igrabbedherhand.
“CounttheHalloweenpartyasanexperimentaldateifyoulike,”Itoldher,leadingherforwardwithme.“Butweshookonfour.Weagreedfourdates.”
Herfingerstightenedaroundmine.
“So,Ialreadyplannedforthenextone,”Icontinued.“IwasgoingtotellyoutokeepyourschedulefreeonThursday.”IrememberedAidenCastillo’sgreatnews.“OrifyouwanttopackonThursday,Icanhelpyouandwecouldpostpone.Iguess—”
“No,”shefinallysaid,andthewaythatwordlefthermouthmademelookoverather.“Thursdaynightisokay.It’sadate.”
Noddingmyhead,IrippedmygazeoffherandclampeddownmymouthbeforeIsaidsomethingstupid,likehowneitherofushadcalledthisfourthdateexperimental.
Afewminuteslater,wewereclimbingthestairstotheapartment,Rosie’shandstillinmine,whenshecalled.“Lucas?”
“Yeah?”
“Ihope…Ihopethismakesyouhappy.”
Puzzledbyherwords,Ifrowned.MymouthopenedjustasweenteredthehallwayandIspottedthedooroftheapartment,whichwasthrownwideopen.
Shoutingcamefromtheinsideandthen,ablurofblackfurwasshootinginmydirection.
“Peroquécojones—”
Iwastoppledover,myasslandingonthecoldfloor,andasoft,energeticballofwarmthsettledinmylap.
“?Tedijequelosujetaras!”camefromtheapartment.
Ilookeddown,thefamiliarityofthis,ofthefurryballcurrentlycurlingaroundmehittingmelikeafreighttrain.“Taco,”Isaid,hearingthesurgeofemotioninmyvoice.“Taco,chico.?Quéhacesaquí?”
MyBelgianshepherdjumpedoutofmyarmsandcircledaroundmebeforereturningtomylapandplacingawetkissonmycheek.
Itriedtomumblesomething,butwordshadreallybeenknockedoutofme.AllIcouldfeelwashappinessatseeingmypup,athavinghimherewithme.
Placingahardkissontopofhisfur,Ireleasedhimandletoutastrangelaughmyself.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere.”Ipattedhisside.Hewhined.“I’vemissedyou,too,chico.”
God,andIhad.Somuch.
Slowly,Istartedmakingsenseofmysurroundings,andIwasn’tsurprisedwhenthefirstthingmyeyesfoundwasRosie.Shewasstandingacoupleoffeettomyright,hereyeswaterydespitethebrightsmileadorningherbeautifulface.
“Taco’shere,”Itoldher,asifshecouldn’tseethat.
Shenodded,thatbigsmilewidening.
Hereyesdartedtomybadleg,asitstretchedonthegroundinfrontofme
“I’mokay,”Iwhisperedbeforesheasked.“I’mmorethanokay.”
Andshenoddedagain.
“Hermanito,”avoiceIhadn’tbeenexpectingcalled“Esteperroesincontrolable.”
Littlebrother,thisdogisunmanageable.
“Charo?”Icroaked.Shewashere,too,leaningagainsttheframeofthedoor.Twonewheadspoppedupbehindher
“Surprise!”Linashouted,Aaronbehindher.“Fine,we’renotasurprise.CharoandTacoarethesurprise.We’reherejustforfunandgiggles.Also,toaskyouforjointcustodyofTaco?Please?Maybenottonight,buttomorrow?”
“But—”Istarted,thenstoppedmyself.“How?”
Charo’sflamingredhairswayedwhensheshrugged.“Iwasfeelinginthemoodforalittleadventure,andyouknowTíaTere?Well,herbestfriend’scousinisaflightattendantand—”
“Charo,”Linachimed.“Noteenrolles.”
Mysistersighed.“Ay,anyway.Weflewintoseeyou.EspeciallyTaco,whowillstaywithyou.I’monlyspendingacouplenightswithLinaandAaronandthenIwillflytoBoston,wheremyfriendAliciamovedlastyearafter—”
Linaelbowedmysister,makingherstopagain.
Taco,whohadcalmeddownbynow,wascurledbetweenmylegs,nudgingmyleg,andmypalmfellonhisheadwithoutmuchthought.Ipettedhimbetweenhisears.“Howdidyouflyhimin?How—”
“Well…”Charocutmeoffwithawickedsmile.“It’sfunnythatyouaskthat.”
IfrownedandLinasaid,“Wemadesurehewassafeandcomfortable.”
Shakingmyhead,Iwasabouttosaythankyouandtellthemthatthismeanttheworldtome,whenCharosaid,“Rosietookcareofeverything.”Andmyheadswiveledinherdirection.Hereyeswerewide.“ShewastheonewhodidalltheresearchweneededtoflyTacointhecabin.Sheeventookcareofmostofthepaperwork,paidforTaco’sticket.Actually,uscomingtotheStateswasheridea.”
Rosieblushedwhenshemurmured,“Thatwassupposedtobeasecret,remember,Charo?”
“Aymujer.”Charolaughed.“You’refamily,there’snosuchthingassecretswhenwe’refamily.”
You’refamily,she’dtoldRosie.
Andmychestswelledwiththatpossibility.
“Youdidthis,Ro?”Irasped.“Forme?”
Rosieshrugged.“LinamentionedTacohademotionalsupporttraining,andwithCharo’s—”
“Itallworkedout,”mysisterinterruptedher.“Noneedtogetintoallthedetails.”
Iswallowed,mybraintryingtoputthepiecestogether.
IhadnoticedhowCharohadstoppedRosiefromsayingmorebutIcouldn’tseepastwhatTacobeingheremeant.Rosiehaddonethis.Forme.Tomakemehappy.
Iwantedtolaymyselfatherfeetbecausenoonehadeverdonesomethingsothoughtfulforme.Somethingthispersonal,somethingthathadbeendesignedtobringonlymehappiness.
Iwantedtopullherintomyarmsandthankher,worshipher,makesuresheknewhowgratefulIwas.Fuck.Iwantedher.Nowmorethanever.
Tacobarked,snappingmeoutofthosedangerous,dangerousthoughts.RosietookatentativesteptowardTaco,herhandoutstretched.“CanI?”
“Ofcourse.Hedoesn’tbite,”Isaid.Andwhenshesidledupbesideus,Iaddedsoonlyshecouldhear,“Me,ontheotherside?Icouldeatyourightup.”
Rosiesnorted,asifI’dbeenjoking.Ihadn’tbeen.I’dstartathermouth.
Then,shesaidveryquietly,“Iwanthimtolikeme.”
“Rosie,”Itoldher,awareofthegroupassemblednearby.“Tacowill—”
HepouncedonRosie,bringingherdowntotheground.
“Loveyou,”Ifinished,watchinghimplantkissesalloverherface.Rosielaughedlikeitwasthebestthingtoeverhappentoher.“Tacowillloveyou.”
ApangoftheemotionI’dbeenexperiencingearliertonightwasback,andIcouldn’tbelieveitmyself,Iwouldn’thaveifIweren’tfeelingitinmygut.
ButasIkeptmyeyesonTacoandRosie,itwasimpossibletodenythatIwasjealousofmydogforbeinginherarms,freetoplantkissesalloverherface.
Ah,jealousy.Myoldfriend.CHAPTERTWENTY-ONERosie
SomethingaboutLucaswasdifferent.
Itwasn’tjustthebutton-downshirtandtwo-piecesuit.
Anditwasn’tthefactthathehadstyledhishairinawaythatmademeitchtoslipmyfingersthroughittocheckifitwasassoftandsmoothasitlooked.
Itwassomethingaboutthewayhesmiled,moved,orevenbreathedaroundme.Thewayhe’dwhisperedinmyearhowbeautifulIlookedtonight.Orthewayhe’dplacedhishandatthesmallofmybackwhenwe’denteredAlexia’srestaurant.ThatintensityI’dfeltfromhiminthepastwasback,butthistime…thistimeitfeltlikemore.Greater,bigger,likeaseparate,inescapableforce.
Itfeltlikegravity.
Ilookedaroundus,takingineverydetailabouttherestaurant,Zarato,andfindingmyselfinaweoftheplace.Ifeltasifwewereinabubble,adreamwhereweweren’tmeanttobeonlyfriends,orroommates,wherethepurposeoftonightwasn’tabouthelpingmywriting,andwhereLucas’spresenceinmylifedidn’thaveanexpirationdate.Adreamwherewewerereal,permanent.
Isighed,fallingbackintorealityandfeelingthewallsofthatbubblethin.
Butnotburst,Itoldmyself.Notyet.BecauseIstillhavetonight.
ItwasthefirsttimeI’deverhaddinneratarestaurantlikethis,soIwantedtomakesuretoenjoytheexperienceasmuchasthecompanyoftheamazingmansittingbymyside.
Theatmospherewasrefinedbutrelaxed,andwehadbeenplacedatthebar,madeofsleekwroughtironintheshapeofahorseshoe.Thebestspot,accordingtoAlexia,whohadreceiveduswhenwe’darrived.
Lucas’shandgrazedtheskinbetweenmybareshoulderblades,thetouchsendingadeliciousshiverdownmyarmsandvalidatingmydecisiontowearabacklessdressdespitethedropintemperatureandthedarkheavycloudshoveringaboveNewYorktoday.
“Youlookhappy,”Lucastoldmeinthedeep,sternvoicehe’dbeenusingallnight.“Didyoulikeeverything?”
“Iamhappy.”Ismiledathim,andwhenhiseyesjumpeddowntomymouthhisgazedarkened.Mynextwordsleftmeinachoppy,breathlessway.“Everythingwasamazing.Thankyousomuchforbringingmehere.”
“Iwouldn’twantanyoneelsewithmetonight,Rosie.”
Myheartjumpedathiswords,hungryformore.Andevenifitwasthestupidestthingtosay,Ifoundmyselfneedingtomakelightofthesituation:“NotevenTaco?”
“No,”hesaidwithashakeofhishead,asifI’dsaidsomethingserious.Andthenheleaneddownhishead,closingthedistancebetweenourfacesuntilournosesalmostbrushed.“You’retheonlyoneIwantherewithme,sharingfoodwithme,andsittingsocloseI’mhavingahardtimekeepingmyhandstomyself.”
AndI—Okay
Igotthis,Itoldmyself.Thepoundinginmychestwasundercontrol.Andthewayittraveledtoallkindsofinterestingplacesinmybodywasonehundredpercentimperceptible.
Ijustneededtosaysomething.Anything.Keeptheconversationflowing.“Ithink…IthinkArgentinianJapanesefusioncuisineismynewobsession.”
Lucaschuckledandshiftedafewinchesaway.“AlexiaandAkanehavedoneanamazingjobwiththetastingmenu.Idon’tthinkIcanpickafavoritefromallthedishestheyserved.”
WehadlearnedthatZarato’sArgentinianJapanesefusionspecialtieshadonlycometobeafterAlexiahadfalleninloveandmarriedAkane,hersouschef.Andthatwaswhathadelevatedtherestaurant’sreputationandstanding,Alexiahadtoldusduringthequicktourshe’dgivenusoftherestaurantandthekitchen.AtourthathadhadLucaseyesflickeringwithakindofinterestI’donlyseenhimshowwhilecooking,he’dbeensoabsorbedthathedidn’tnoticemestudyinghim.Committinghimtomemory.
Lucas’sfingersskimmedalongoneofthethinstrapsofmydress,sidetrackingallmythoughts.
“Whatwasyourfavorite?”heaskedinalowvoice.“Theonethingyouenjoyedthemost.”
Iwastemptedtotellhim,You,youare.YouarethethingIenjoythemost.“Ilovedeverything.”
“Iknowyouhaveone,”hesaidwithaknowingsmile.“AndIthinkIcanguesswhichone,butIwanttohearitfromyou.”
Idid.Heknowsmesowellatthispoint.“Itwasthemochi.”
Hehummed,andthepadofhisthumbtracedthelengthofmyspine,stoppingatthedipofmyback.“Iknewthemomentyoutookthatfirstbite.Itwasthedulcedelechefilling,right?”
Inodded,feelingmyselfsighattheSpanishwordsonhislips.Iwasnevergoingtogetoverhimspeakinghismothertongue.
“Whatwasthat?”heasked,anewsparkofinterestinhisgaze.“Thatthingyoudid.”
Dammit,hecouldbesoperceptive.
Iswallowed.“Itwasnothing.Iwasthinkingofthemochi.”
“Itwasn’tnothing.Youletoutthislittlesigh,”hesaid,andtomyuttersurprisehebroughtthatthumbthathadbeencaressingmybacktomycheek.Hegrazedmynowflamingskin.“Thenthere’sthis.Thisbeautifulblush.What’scausingthis,Rosie?”Heloweredhisvoice.“What’smakingyouhot?”
Hiswordsechoedinmyears,reachingaspotbetweenmythighs.SecondstickedbyandIdidn’tanswer.Frankly,Ididn’tthinkIcould.
“Hey.”LucastuggedatarunawaycurlthathadcomeoutoftheloosebraidI’dattemptedtonight.Andonlywhenmylipsparteddidhetuckthelockbehindmyearwithagentlenessthatmademeshortofbreathagain.“Don’tbeshy,Rosie.It’sme.”
Andwasn’tthattheproblem?Wasn’tIsotransparent,soaffected,becauseitwashimwhowastheoneherewithme?
AfteraheartbeatIfinallyadmitted,“Itwasyourhand.Onmyback.ThewordsinSpanish,too.Itwasall…distracting.Especiallythewords.”
Thatinterestinhisgazesharpened.“Whatwassodistractingaboutthem,exactly?”
IwentwiththetruthbecausewhatdidIhavetolosenow?“Thedulcedeleche,”Itried,surethatIwasbutcheringthepronunciation.“Ijustthoughtitwas…sexywhenyousaidit.”
Lucasblinked,onesingleslowblink,thenhiseyesfilledwithsomethingelse.Somethingwickedandalittledark.“YoulikeitwhenIspeakinSpanishtoyou.”
Yes.Obviously.“IguessIdo.”
“Icansayitagainforyou,wouldyoulikethat?”heoffered,andthen,insteadofwaitingformyanswer—Yesplease,sir,andcanyourecordit,too,soIcanplayitforyearstocome?—heleanedin.Close.Really,reallyfreakingclose.Untilhismouthfellontheshellofmyear.“Dulcedeleche.”
IfIcouldhaveevaporatedintoacloudofsteam,Iwouldhave.
Thatwashowhotthismanmademewithnothingmorethanthreewordsthatweren’tevensupposedtobearousing.ButIwas,myGod.Iwassoaroused.
“Wasthatgood?”heasked,keepinghismouthrightwhereitwas,thetouchofhislipsonmyskinsendingwaveafterwaveofshiversdownmyarms.“More?”
Tomyuttersurprise,Inoddedmyheadandsaid,“Please.”
Iheardhiminhaledeeply,slowly,thenhesaid,“Erespreciosa.Merecuerdasaunaflor.Aunarosa.”
Mylipsparted.Mywholebodychurnednow.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Lucas’svoicewasimpossiblylowwhenheanswered,“You’restunning.Youremindmeofaflower.Abeautifulrose.”Mybreathcaught.“Youblushlikeone,too,Rosie.It’ssofitting.So…goddamngorgeous.”
AndI…Iwasn’tokay.
Thewaythisfeltwasn’tnormal.Thewaymyheartracedandmybodypulsedwithneed,longing,yearningforhim,couldn’tpossiblybenormal.
Itcouldn’tbe.Andifitwas,Ididn’tthinkIcouldtakeit.Itwastoomuch.
ButLucashadsaidthat;hehadcalledmebeautiful.SaidIwasstunning.Intwodifferentlanguages,andI…knewhe’dmeantit.Iknewitinmybones.
ThewayIfeelhasneverbeenmorereal,Ithought.
ButIcouldn’tallowmyselftoacknowledgethatoutloud.Becausetonightwassupposedtoberesearch,anexperiment—ourlastexperimentaldate—andnowIknewIwasatriskofhavingmyheartbroken.Itcouldhappentomorrow,whenIreturnedtomyapartment,andIwouldn’tseehimeveryday.Oritcouldhappeninamatterofweeks,whenhewentbacktoSpain.
Iletoutabreath,thesoundrocky,unsteady.“Thankyou.”
Lucas’sheadrearedbackslowly.“Thankyou?”
Iavertedmyeyes,andasmuchasIdidn’twanttostoplookingathim,Idid.“Yeah.Thatwasverydeservingofagrandgesturekindofnight.”
Becausethatwaswhattonightwasabout.Phasefour,thegrandgesture.
Usually,innovels,itcameafterablackmoment,afterfeelingsareputtothetest.Butinthiscase—beingthiswasnothingbutanexperiment—thathadn’tmadesense.So,we’djumpedahead.
Lucasdidn’tanswer,notforawhile.Hejustlookedatme,hislipscurledintothesmallestsmilehe’devergivenme.
Reachingformyglassofwine,Imusedoverwhattosay,finallysettlingforsomethingthathadcrossedmymind,butIhadneverasked.“CanIaskyousomething,Lucas?”
“Youknowyoucanaskmeanything.”
“YounevertalkaboutSpain.”Iwastryingmyluckhere.Hedidn’twanttotalkabouthisinjury,orwhateverhadhappenedtohim,Iknewthatmuch.ButIcouldn’tstopthinkingabouthimgoingback.“You’veonlytalkedaboutAbuela.OrTaco.”Ipaused.“Youknow,theplanhadbeentoflyyourgrandmahere.WithTaco.Butshesaidshe’dhadenoughofNewYorkwhenshevisitedLinaacoupleofyearsago.Shesaideverything’ssobighereitgivesherchickenskin?Charowasn’tabletotranslatethat.”
“Pieldegallina.Goosebumps.Thatjustmeansthatitgiveshergoosebumps.”Lucasletoutachuckle,buthisheartwasn’tinit.Then,hesaid,“Whatdoyouwanttoknow,beautifulRosie?”
Everything.“Doyoumisshome?”
“Yesandno.”
Ishiftedtotheedgeofthestool,mykneesmovingintothespacebetweenhis.“Whatdoyoumissaboutit?”
Heseemedtodeflateatthequestion,soIplacedahandonhisknee.Encouraginghim.Hepressedhisthighagainstmineinresponse.“Imiss…mylife.Howmylifewasbefore.SomedaysIwakeupthinkingI’mbackintime,andmyheadstartsponderingwhatbeachIcandrivetobeforethecrowdgetsin.ThenIremember.”
“Yourememberwhat?”
Hisgazezeroedinonmyfingersastheyrestedonhisknee.“ThatI’mnotthereanymore.ThatI’mnolongermyself.”
“Lucas?”Isaid,andwhateverheheardinmyvoicemadehimretrievemyhandfromhiskneeandtakeitinhis.“Whycomehere?Areyourunningfromsomething?Fromwhateverhappened?”
Hebroughtourhandstohismouthandplacedhislipsonmywrist.“I’mnotrunning,ángel.SomedaysI’mnotevenmoving.”
ángel.Myheartpounded.“Whatdoyouneed?”Iasked,becausewhateverthatwas,Iwantedtogetitforhim.“Tofeellikeyou’removingforwardagain.”
Hisgazesearchedmyface.“Idon’tknow,Rosie.Andthat’swhatscaresmethemost.”
Somethinginmychestbrokeforhim.Theneedtomakeitbettergrowingbytheminute.“I’lltakeyourhand,”Itoldhim,tighteningmygriparoundhisfingers.“Andkeepyoumoving.Untilyoufigureitout.”
AndI’lltakethatángel,too.Andkeepit.
Keepitforwhenheleft,andIhadthesememoriesinsteadofhim.
Hedidn’tspeak,notrightaway.Then,hesaid,“Ihopeyou’rereadyforyourgrandgesture.”CHAPTERTWENTY-TWORosie
“IhavenoideaifIgotthisright,”hesaidfrombehindme,hishandscoveringmyeyes.
Afterleavingtherestaurant,Lucashadusheredmeintotheelevator—theoneinsidethebuildingwhereZaratowaslocated—andtookusuptothetopfloor.
Beforethedoorsopened,hetoldmetoclosemyeyesandlaidbothhandsoverthem,saying,“Forgoodmeasure.”
Wewalkedveryslowlynow,Lucasguidingmeforward.Hislegstangledwithmine,andIgraspedbothhiswriststokeepmyselffromfalling.
“Isthisreallynecessary?”
“Yes,”heconfirmed,bringingmetoastop.“Cosmosaidthattheelementofsurprisewasveryimportant.”
“Cosmo?”Abarkoflaughterleftme.“AsinCosmopolitan,themagazine?”
“What’ssofunny?”heasked,andIcouldhearthesmileinhisvoice.
“Nothing.”Iletmyhandsfallfromhiswrists.“Justthatyousoundlikeaguyfromachickflickfromthenoughties.”
Hishandsshiftedsoonlyonepalmwascoveringmyeyes.ThenwhenIfelthisotheroneatmywaist,ticklingmyside.
“Hey!”Isquealed,breakingintoafitofgiggles.“Whatwasthatfor?That’sacompliment.Itdoesn’tgetbetterthan2000sMatthewMcConaughey.”Iwaitedforhislaughter,butitdidn’tcome.“Itwasallinnocentteasing.”
“Nothinginnocentaboutit,Rosie.YouknowhowmuchIlikeit,”hesaid.AndbeforeIcouldutteraword,hisarmwrappedaroundme,thetipsofhisfingersmakingcontactwiththebareskinofmyback.“Carefulwiththestep,”headdedbeforeliftingmeupintheair.
Andjustasswiftly,Iwasplacedbackonthefloor.AndI…wastoostunned,distracted,toevensaythanks.
Lucaschuckleddarklyasheguidedusforwardagain.“Justsoyouknow,Iusedothersourcesthatweren’tmagazines.”Weturnedtotheright,andthenstoppedagain.“Holdononesec.Keepyoureyesclosed.I’llberightback.”
Iheardhisstepsashewalkedaway.
“Iwatchedafewmovieendings,”hesaidinthedistance.“Classics,forthemostpart.UntilIdiscoveredthatpeopleputtogethergrandgesturecompilationsonYouTube.”Hisvoicegrewcloser,andthen,hishandswerebackonme.Onmywaistthistime.“AndIalsohadyourbook.”
Myheartpounded.
“Theendingwasaprettygoodreference.Insightful.”
Mybook’sending.ThatI’dwritten.Lucashadreadit.He—
“Youcanopenyoureyesnow.”
Asifonautopilot,myeyelidslifted.
AndI…OhGod.IwishedIneverhad.IwishedIhadn’topenedmyeyestosomethinglikethis.
BecausewhateverIhadbeenfeelingafewseconds,minutes,hoursagohadbeennothing,nothing,comparedtowhatwasfloodingmychestnow.Mybody.Ifeltsolight,soelatedandmoved,thatIcouldtakeflightandfloatintothedark,stormynight.
“Lucas,”Iwhispered.
Hishandstraileduptomyshoulders,hispalmswarm,sowarm,againstmyskinandhesaid,“Whatdoyouthink?”
Wewereontherooftopofthebuilding.Halfofitwasagreenhouse,flowersofallcolorsscatteredaroundus,whiletheotherhalfwasopenandexposedtotheovercastNovembersky,thatnowseemedlitbystringsoffairylightsthatcrisscrossedaboveus.
Itwasabeautifulplace.Magical.Transcendent.Itfeltlikeamomentyouknowwillbecomeamemorybeforeit’sevenpassed.
Dad’swordscameback,Remembertopicktheboythatwillplantagardenforyouinsteadofjustgettingyoutheflowers,Bean.
“I’mnotsureifIdidthisright,”Lucassaid.“Thisismyfirstgrandgesture.”
Battlingagainsttheemotioncloggingmyvoice,Ishookmyhead.
“Youdid.It’sperfect,Lucas.Thisisallsobeautiful,I…”God,Ineededtokeepittogether.Icouldn’tlethimknowhowmuchIwasfeelinginthatmoment.“Iwouldn’tchangeathing.Notone.”
“Youflatterme,ángel.Butthisisnotall.ThisisnotwhatIhopedIgotright.”
Hedippedhisheadandbrushedhislipsovermycheekverysoftly,surprisingmeathowdifferentthisfeltcomparedtoeveryothertimehe’ddonethat.Breakingmyheart,too,becauseIwantedsomuchmorethanasimplekissonthecheek.
Lucasgraspedmyhand,pullingmeforwardwithhim.Westoppedonlywhenwereachedabenchwherehehadlaidablanket,aBluetoothspeaker,abottleofwine,andapinkboxwitharibbon.
Hepulledhisphonefromthepocketofhissuitandtappedonthescreen.Musicfilledthespacearoundus.“Yousaidyouwishedwe’dmetatAaronandLina’swedding,”hesaid,hisexpressionturninggrim.Hetookonedeterminedsteptowardme.“Ithoughtthattonight,forthisonelastdate,wecouldpretendweweredoingthat.Meetingforthefirsttime.”
Thethrumminginmychestresumed.Louder.Bigger.OvercomingmewithanemotionsopowerfulIfoundithardtobreathe.
Lucassmiled,anditwasoneofthoserarebashfulsmiles.“Whatdoyouthink?Isit…Isitgrandenough?”
Thisselfless,considerate,goodman,openlyanxiousoversomethinglikethis.Overmelikinghisgrandgesture.Meconsideringitgrandenough.
Iwantedtoscream.Attheworldforbeingsounfair.Athim,forgoingaftermyheartlikethis.Formakingithisinsuchashortamountoftime.
Becausehe’dmadeithis,hadn’the?He’dmademehiswithouteventrying.Notreally.Withoutmyknowingwhenexactlyithadhappened.
God,Ilovedhim.IhadfalleninlovewithLucasMartín.
AndIknewitwithacertaintythatmademychesttight.
Ihadneverstoodachance,notreally.
Istoodthere,breathless,motionless,therealizationrockingmybody,asIwatchedLucas’shandscometothefrontofhisslacksandrunninghispalmsalongthefabriccoveringhisthighs.
Heclearedhisthroatbeforespeaking.“IknowthisisnotevenclosetoagardenwithaviewoftheBayofBiscay,so…Ialsohavethis.”
Hekneltandfumbledwithsomethingbelowthebench.Abeamoflightappeared,illuminatingthewallbehindus.PhotosofLinaandAaron’sweddingflashedonthesmoothsurface.Thevenue,theceremony,Aaron’sandLina’shappyfaces,Abuela,Lina’sparents,littlesnippetsofthatdayplayedacrossthatwall.
AndI…Ijust…couldn’tdothis.
Withhim.Withtheknowledgethathispresenceinmylifehadanexpirationdate.
Ablanketwasthrownovermyshoulders,anditwasonlythenthatInoticedIwasshivering.“Saysomething,Ro.”
Ro
He’dnevercalledmethatonadate.Thatwashisnameforeveryothernight
“I—”Ibreathed.TherewasnothingIcouldsaytomakehimunderstandwhatthismeanttome.Howwonderfulthiswas.HowdeeplyIhadfalleninlovewithhim.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthis.Thatyouthoughtofthis.Forme.You’rejust…”
Perfect.
Amazing.
ThebestmanIcouldeveraskfor.
LucasangledhisbodysohewasallIcouldsee,andthen,hebrushedthebackofhisfingersagainstmycheek.
“Rosie.”Hesaidmynametenderly,sotenderly,thatIwantedtobeghimtotakeitback.“HadIbeenatthewedding,”hecontinued,andmyheartstoppedbeatingalloveragainwhenhemetmygaze,“hadIspottedyouacrossthathall,Iwouldhavethoughtwow.”Hepaused,hisfacelightingup.“Thatgirltakesmybreathaway,she’ssobeautiful.Andshesurelookslikeshelovescake.”
Anairychuckleescapedmylips,dazedbyhiswords.
Hereachedfortheboxthatsatonthebenchandthrewthelidopen.Inside,asinglesliceofstrawberryandcreamcakesatonalittleplate.AndIrecognizeditimmediately.ItwasthesamekindthathadbeenservedatLinaandAaron’swedding.But—how?
Lucasextractedtheplateandhelditinhishand,placingtheboxbyhisfeet.Thenhesaid,“Iwouldhavecrossedthebusyhall,cakeinhand,andIwouldhaveapproachedyouwithadashingsmile.”
God
Allthosewomenthathadhadhimatsomepointinthepastandlethimgohadbeensostupid.Crazy.
“AndI…”Itrailedoff,myvoicethickwithemotion,needingafewmoresecondstocollectmyself.“Iwouldhavelookedatyouupanddownwithafrown,”Itoldhim,doingexactlythat.“AndIwouldhavethought,hmm,he’satotalweirdo,butatleasthebroughtsomethingsweet.”Itooktheplatefromhimandwhenhelaughed,Iadded,“Andhehasagoodlaugh,andahandsomesmile,soIguess…IguessI’llstay.Acceptthecake.”
Hisgazewarmedasitroamedovermyface.“BecauseIamaweirdo,Iwouldhaveaskedifyouweregoingtoshare.That’dbetheleastyoucoulddo,afterImadeitallthewaytoyouwiththecake,dodgingdrunkunclesandinquisitiveauntiesthatwantedtoknowifIwasgoingtostaysingleforever.”
Notcaringaboutnothavingafork,oranapkin,Ibitintoit.Itwassweeter,softer,farbetterthantheoneservedatthewedding.AndIknewwithoutadoubtthathehadbakedit.Lucashadbakedthiscake.
Mynextwordsbarelymadeitout.“AndI…wouldhaveprobablytoldyouthatmaybe,youweresinglebecauseyouwentaroundofferingcaketowomenyouknewnothingabout.”Withshakyhands,Iheldtheplateinfrontofhisface.“Butthatmaybe,justthisonetime,thisgirlwhomightormightnotbeavailable,andwhomightormightnotlikeyou,wouldsharesome.”
Lucasleaneddown,takingabitefromtheothersideandlickingthecreamoffhislips.Hesavoredit,exactlylikeIknewhewould,keepinghiseyesonmineashedid.Heswallowed.“Andafterthankingyou,Iwouldhaverespectfullydisagreed.”Itiltedmyhead,watchingalllightnessleavehisexpression.“BecauseIwouldhaveknownthen”—Lucassteppedforward,hischindippingtolookstraightintomyeyes—“thatI’dbeensingleonlybecausenoonehadeverstolenmyattention,scatteredmythoughtssoeffortlessly.Socompletely.Notthewayyoudid.”
Hiswordsdancedaroundus,waltzingstraightintomyheart.
Theenergyshiftedaswestaredintoeachother’seyes,ahundredthousandunsaidthingshangingbetweenus.
Theairaroundturnedthicker,heavier,andIthoughtIheardthunderinthedistance,butI’dbeensuckedintoavacuum.Icouldn’tcareaboutanythingbuthim.Us.
Lucassnatchedthehalf-eatencakefromme.Thenheremovedtheblanketfrommyshoulders,tookmyhandinhis,andplacedhisotheroneonthesmallofmyback.
“Andthen,”hetoldmeinavoiceIhadneverheardfromhim.OnethatI’dnevereverforget.“Iwouldhavebeggedyoutosavemeadance.Ortwo.Oreverydanceuntilthenightwasoverandourfeethurt.Andafterthat,Iwouldhavebeggedyoutopleaseletmetakeyouhomewithme.Tomybed.Intomyheart.”
Ifeltmyselfexpand,floatawayandupintothestormysky.AdriftifnotforLucas’sarmsholdingmeback.
Asifhehadknown,hepulledmecloser,startingtomovealongtothemusic,andinsilence,wedanced.Wespunandswayed,hisarmsaroundmeandmycheekcomingtorestonhischest.AndIswore,inthatmomentnothing,notasinglethingintheworld,couldhavetakenmeawayfromhim.Notathunderclap,nottheplaceburstingintoflames,noteventheapocalypseorKingKongclimbingthesideofthebuildingwewerein.
Notonesinglething.
BecauseIwasinLucas’sarms,andIknewhowephemeralthismomentwas.HowsoonIwouldlosethis,him,hisbodyaroundmine.I’dhavenothingbutamemory.Animprintthatwouldfade.
Thatwasprobablywhy,whentheskywaslitwithalightningbolt,Ididn’tfinditinmetocare.Toletgoofhim.
Andwhenthecloudsaboveusshookwithapealofthunder,IremainedinLucas’sarms.
Notevenwhentheskyopenedandwaterstartedpouringonus,didImovetoleavehisarms.
ItwasLucas’schestthatshookundermyfacewithlaughterandacurse.“ForChrist’ssake.”
Ishookmyhead,myarmstighteningaroundhiswaist.“Idon’tcareabouttherain.”
“You’regettingdrenched,Rosie.Weshouldgo.”
“No,”Itoldhim,lookingupsohecouldseemyface.“I’mokay,righthere.Idon’twanttogo.”
Anotherthunderclaproared,asiftheskywastryingtoproveapoint.
Withoutgivingitanythought,Lucastookoffhisjacketasbestashecouldwithmyarmsaroundhiswaistandhelditabovemyhead.Hemetmygaze.“Rosie,please.You’regoingtogetsick.Youcan’tgetsick,whataboutyourbook?Yourdeadlineisinlessthanthreeweeks.You’reontheclock.Letmetakeyouhome.”
Therehewent,withmyheartagain.Puttingmefirst.MakingitevenmoreimpossibleformenottolovehimthewayIdid.
“Whataboutyou,though?”Ishookmyhead,feelingmyhairsticktomycheeksbecausethejacketabovemyheadwasnowdrippingwater,too.“WhatifIwanttotakecareofyou,too?”
Lucasswallowed.
“Whatifyou’reimportanttome,Lucas?”Itoldhim,becausehewas.Heneededtohearit.Iplacedmypalmsonhischestandsaidveryslowly,“WhatifIwantedtobethepersonyoulettakecareofyou,too?”
Lucas’sexpressionchanged,morphed.Asifhecouldn’tcomputemywords.
WhichwasprobablywhyIcontinued,“You’realwayswatchingoverme,takingcareofme.Helpingme.”Iwatchedhiseyesclose,hisheadshake.“Givingmeeverythingwithoutaskingforasinglethinginreturn.AndI…Iwanttogiveyouthings,too.Iwanttogiveyoueverything.Iwantyoutowantthatfromme,too.”Ifeltmychestheaving,heartracing,daringmetoaskthequestionIknewIshouldn’t.“Doyouwantthatfromme,Lucas?”
Lucasstaredatmeasifmywordshadbeennothingbutablowtohischest.AsifI’djusthithim,punchedhim,andknockedhimstunned.Heremainedsilentaswaterfellinrivuletsdownhisfaceandgatheredathisjaw.
“YouunderstandwhatI’msaying,”Isaid,everythingIhadsocarefullykepttogetherslippingaway.“Yes,youdo,andthat’swhyyou’relookinglikethatatme.”
Amusclepulsedinhisjaw.
Noanswer.
Myhandsfelltomysidesindefeat.“Well,it’sonme,”Imurmured.“Wesaidthatthingswouldn’tchangebetweenus,andIletthem.I…I’msorryIdidthat,Lucas.”
Iturnedaroundandgatheredourbelongingsonthebench,myfaceturnedsohewouldn’tseehowbigofafoolIfelt.Howmuchlayunderneathmyconfession.Inhowmanypieceshewasbreakingmyheart.
“Rosie.”Hisfingerswrappedaroundmywrist.
Ishookmyhead.“It’sokay.”
Heturnedmearound.Waterdrippedfromhishair,fallingdownhisface.“You’recrying,Rosie.”Asoundescapedhislips,andhepulledatmeagain,wantingtobringmetohim.“ángel,porfavor.Don’tcry.Don’tdothattome.”
“I’mnotcrying,”Ilied.“It’sjusttherain.I’mokay.”
HisfingerscuppedmyjawandhetiltedmyheadupwarduntilImethisgaze
“You’relying.You’recryingandit’sbreakingmyheart,”hesaidinadesperatevoice.“Rosie,preciosa.”Hemovedcloser,asifhecouldn’thelphimself.“Tellmewhattodotostopthis.”
Itriedtokeepitin.Nottoletitout,butthatRosie,thatpreciosa,didmein.
Andeverythingjust…escaped.
“Wantme,”Isaid,andGod,howdesperateitwastobegforsomethinglikethis.“WantmelikeIwantyou.Becausetheseglimpsesofwhatwecouldbearekillingme,Lucas.That’swhyI’mcrying,becauseI’mfrustrated,devastated,bythefactthatIcan’thaveyou.ThatIwantyouandIcan’thaveyou.”
Lucaswassostill.Hehadremainedunmovableundertherain,butitwasonlythen,whenmylastwordsrang,thathiswholebodycamealive.Likeamatchthrownintoafire,somethingroaredaliveinsideofhim.
Hepulledmecloser.“Youthinkyoucan’thaveme?”Hisbreathfellonmymouth.“AmItheonemakingthosetearsfalldownyourface?”
Myheartsurrenderedthen.“I’mcryingbecausewe’rejustfriends,becausenoneofthisisreal.BecausemaybeallIamtoyouisthat.Yourroommate.Ro.Graham.”
Hispalmswenttomycheeks,cuppingmyface,andIcouldfeelthemshaking,trembling.Anotherthunderclapcrackedinthedistance.“Rosie,”hesaid.Andthesoundofmynamerivaledtheroaringinthesky.“EverysingletimeI’vecalledyouGraham,I’vedoneittoremindmyselfthatIcouldn’twantyouthewayIdo.EverytimeI’vetakenyouonadate,I’vehadtotellmyselfthatitwaspartofanagreement.AndeverytimeI’vesaidIwantedtobeyourbestfriend,allI’dwantedwastotakefromyouasmuchasyoucouldpossiblygiveme.”
Alltheairinmylungsleftmybody
“Ifyouwantanythingfromme,youonlyhavetoask.”Lucas’sforeheadcametorestagainstmine,hisbreathnowleavinghimshakily.“Don’tyouseethatI’llbreakmybacktoprovideanythingyoucouldpossiblyneed?HaveInotmademyselfobvious?”
“Youcan’tmeanthat.You—”
“ImeanitwitheverythingIam.”
Fightingmyownfear,thecertaintythatthiscouldn’tbereallyhappening,becausehowcoulditbe?Isaid,“Ifyoudo,ifyoureallymeanit,thenIwantyoutokissme,Lucas.”
OnesecondLucas’shandswerearoundmyjaw,andthenexttheywereslippingbehindmyhead,insidethelocksofwethair.
Hislipstookminelikehewasfightingforhislastbreath,liketherainfallingaroundussignaledtheendoftheworld.Lucaskissedmelikethiswasourfirstandlastkiss,asifthiswastheonlychancehehadtogivemewhatIhadaskedofhim.Andthatshouldhavealertedmeofsomething,butIdidn’tcare.Icouldn’tcarewhenhismouthwasagainstmine,partingmylipsanddevouringmine.Devouringme.
Hisbodysteppedintomine,oneofhishandsleavingthenapeofmyneckandtrailingdownmyspineuntilitcurledaroundmyback.AgroanclimbedhisthroatwhenIwentwillingly,withoutanykindofresistancebecausehowcouldIresistwhenhisfingerssplayedoverthesmallofmyback,holdingmefirmlytohim,hishipspressingintomybelly,mybreastsagainsthischest.
Desperateformore,Ilinkedmyarmsaroundhisneckandrosetomytiptoes,wishingtheheavyandsoakedlayersoffabricbetweenushadn’tbeenthere.WishingIcouldstriphimnaked,soI’dhaveasmuchfromhimaspossible,asmuchasI’dbeabletomemorize.
Hismouthleftmine,hislipstrailingdownthesideofmyneckandsolicitingawhimperfromme.Thesoundfueledhim,encouraginghishandstograbthebackofmykneesandhikemeuphisbody.
Asifithadbeenchoreographed,mylegsclampedaroundhim,andhesecuredmeagainsthimagain.
“Lucas,”Ibreathedout,pulsingwithanewsurgeofneed,lettingmyfingersintohishair.“You—”Histeethnippedatthelobeofmyear.“Youcan’t—”
“I’llbecareful,”hesaid,rearrangingmearoundhim,thenewpositionmakingmeknow,feel,howbigandhardhewas.“Therearethingsmoreimportantthanthat.You.Youwantedakiss.”Hemetmygaze,aferalexpressioncontortinghisface.Hismouth.Hungerfloodinghiseyes.“Whatelsedoyouwantfromme?”
Everything.“Anotherkiss.Asecondone.Andathird.Andafourth,and—”
Hishandreturnedtomyhair,fistingitinhisfingers,pullingatitsoI’dexposemyneck.“Isthatallyouwant?”hesaidagainstmypulse,nippingatmyskinwithhisteeth.
No,Iwantedtosay,butthen,hewascuppingmyheadandbringingourmouthstogether.Then,hishipswerepunchingup,rightagainstthejunctionofmythighsandhewassohard,sohotagainstmethatI—
“Lucas,”Iwhimpered,mylidsflutteringshut.
“Iaskedyouaquestion,”heraspedevenwhenhisbreathseemedtocatch,too.“IsaidI’dgiveyouwhateveryouasked.Andyouwantedmymouth.Akiss.Andnow.”Hestoppedhimself,rearrangingmearoundhim,thefrictionfeelingimpossiblygoodandnotatallenoughatthesametime.“NowIwanttogiveyoumore.NowIdon’twanttostopatyourmouth,Rosie.”
Iwastheonewhoshiftednext,slidingdownalonghispulsinglength,bringingthesameexpressionsofdeliciouspaintobothourfaces.IpulledatthehairatthenapeofhisneckwhenIexpelledmynextwords,“Then,don’tstop.Givememorethanthat.GivemewhatyoupromisedmeattheMasqueradeBall.”
Histhroatworked,hiseyesdarkeningwitharealization,withathought.“Youhadtobeperfect,didn’tyou?Youhadtobecapableoftamingandpullingateverythingthat’sinsideofme?”
Yes.“Everything.Iwantitall.”
Lucas’sexpressionchanged,andGod,helookedreadytosuccumb,togivemeexactlywhatIhadjustaskedofhim,andIwantedtolethim.So,Itookhismouththattime,encouraginghim.Hegroaneddeepinhisthroatand…aringtonesounded.
Ibarelyregistereditasmineatfirst.Notuntilitrangagainandinfiltratedourbubble,makinguscomeupforair.
Lucas’svoicewasbarelyarasp,buthesaid,“That’syourphone,preciosa.”
Stilldazed,Ifoughtagainsttheremnantsofthefogwhiletheincomingcallstoppedandstartedagain.
Lucasplacedakissonthecornerofmymouth,thenanotheroneonmyforeheadandplacedmebackonthefloor.Hewalkeduswherewe’dleftourcoats,backattheentrancetotheroof.Fishingformypurse,heopeneditandextractedmyringingphone.
Icheckedthescreen—unknown—andansweredthecall.
“Rosie,”Iheard.“I’mreadytogohome.”
“Olly?”Everysinglecellinmybodythathadbeenburningscaldinghotjustsecondsagoturnedtoice.“Whereareyou?”
Mybrotherdidn’tanswer,notrightaway,butIcouldhearthenoiseinthebackground.Music.Thenightclub.
“Textmetheaddress,”Itoldhim.“Doyouhearme,Olly?Textmewhereyouare.I’monmyway.”
Therewasacurt,“Thankyou.”Andthen,thelinewentdead.CHAPTERTWENTY-THREERosie
Lucas’shandsqueezedmineagain.
He’dbeendoingthatthewholeride,andIknewwhatitmeant.Hedidn’tneedtovoicethewords“Igotyou,I’mhere,”becausethatgentlebutfiercesqueezeofmyhandasitlaycocoonedinhiswasenough.No.Itwasmorethanenough,really.Himbeinghere,nothesitatingtohailacabwithoutaskingforthefullstoryordetails,andtakingthereinsofasituationIwashavingahardtimekeepingupwithwasmorethanenough.
Itwaseverything.
TheimageofthebustedlipOllyhadsportedthelasttimeI’dseenhimflashedinfrontofmyeyes.
God,whatthehellhaveyougottenyourselfinto,Olly?
Lucas’sfingerssqueezedmineagain,andIthoughthemurmuredsomething,somethingsoothing,butallIwashearinginmyheadwasPlease,lethimbeokay.Whateverthisis,please,please,please,lethimbeokay.
ThetaxipulleduptotheaddressOllyhadtexted,andIunclaspedmyfingersfromLucas’sgraspsofastthathecouldn’tdoanythingtostopmefromjumpingoutofthevehicle.
“Rosie,don’t!”Hecursed.ButIkeptonwalking.Iwasonautopilot.
Hisstepssoundedbehindme,quick,fast,asifhe’dbeenrunningafterme,andIfeltlikeajerk,becauseIshouldn’thavemadeLucasrun,notwithhisinjury.ButI—
Hegrabbedmyhandandpulledatit,bringingmetoastop.Hewalkedaroundmeandfacedme.“Don’tdothattomeeveragain,please.”
Hishairwasstillwet.Theclothesbeneathbothourcoatsweresodamp,theyweighedtwiceasmuchastheywouldhavedry.HewasprobablyfeelingascoldasIdid,andyet,Iknewthatwasn’tthereasonwhyhelookedsomiserable.
“I’msorry,”Itoldhim,becauseIreallywas.“Ishouldn’thavedonethat.”
Isqueezedhishandandreliefspreadacrosshisface.
Withanothersigh,Itooknoteofoursurroundings,therumbleofmusicinthedistanceindistinguishable.Ithadtobecomingfromthenightclubdownthestreet,theoneOllyhadtextedbefore.PinkFlamingo.
“Doyouknowthispartofthecity?”Lucasasked.
“Neverbeenhere.”Ishookmyhead.“Butit’snotexactlyknownforitsgoodrep.”Ipaused.“There’ssomethingIshouldprobablytellyou,Lucas.”Heremainedinsilence,laserfocusedonme,waiting.“Mybrother…hehadablackeye.Afewweeksago.AndI…”
AndIhadn’tdoneanything.Notasinglething.I’dlethimwalkaway.
Lucasprocessedthatinformation.Then,lookedleftandright.“Texthimthatwe’rehere.Ifhedoesn’tanswer,thenwe’regoingtofindhimandgethimout.”
Inoddedmyhead,alreadyinchingtowardtheneon-litentrance.
Lucastuggedatmyhand.“You’regoingtostaybehindme,okay?I’mnotplayingoverprotectivehero,Rosie,butifsomeonetriestogetclosetoyou,don’tengage,yeah?”Hepattedhischestwithhisfist.“Youstaywithme.”
Mythroatworked.“Butwhatif—”
“ángel,”hesaidalmostpainfully.“I’vetraveled,stumbleduponpeopleIshouldn’thaveandgotintoafewuglymessesmyself.Soplease,pleasestaywithme.Justtrustmewith—”
“Okay.”Inoddedmyhead.Nohesitation.“Itrustyou.I’llstaywithyou.Iwon’tengage.”Hisfeaturesrelaxed.“Butonlyifyoudon’t,either.Idon’twantyoutogetintotrouble,notbecauseofme.”
Somethingshiftedinhisgazeandthen,withoutgivingmeanykindofwarning,hewasbrushingakissonthecornerofmylips.“Itrustyou,too,ángel.”
Andjustlikethat,weweremovingagain.
Lucasstoppedafewstepsawayfromtheneonsign.Abouncerstoodguard,thedoorcoveredbyamarooncurtain.
ItookonelastlookatmyphonetoseeifOllyhadansweredmytext.Hehadn’t.“Let’sgo,”ItoldLucas.
Westeppedforward,Lucasslightlyaheadofme,andthebouncerlookedusupanddownwithafrown.
“Nocouplesallowed.Performersthroughtheback.”
IsteppedaroundLucas,comingtohissidesoIcouldexplaintothebouncerwhyweneededtogoin.Bothofus.
Butthemountainofamanstoppedmewithahand.“Nocouplesallowed,”herepeated,beforereturningtohispositionandpartingthecurtain.“Theladycangoin.”HepointedtoLucas.“You,out.Orthroughtheback.”
“No,”Lucasrefused.Itookanotherstepforward,andawarningleftLucasinagrowl.“Rosie,please.”
Iwasreadytoletgoofhishand,totellhimthatitwasokay,whenthecurtainopened.Then,Iheardmyname.
“Rosie,”mybrother,mylittlebrother,said.
Andhewas…shirtless.Coveredinwhatlookedlike…oil.Andglitter.
Ithrewmyselfathim,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisshoulders.“Areyouokay?Please,tellmeyou’reokay.”
Olly’seyesdartedaround.
“I’mokay,”hecroaked.“Butweshouldreallygo,now.”
Ireleasedhim,claspedmyhandsaroundhischeeks,andinspectedhisface.God,whenhadheturnedintothemaninfrontofme?“Whatthehellisgoingon,Olly?”
ThebouncerspokebeforeOllycouldrespond.“Graham,youknowtherules.Nohangingoutintheentrance.Performersthroughthegoddamnback.You’vegotfiveseconds.”
“Olly—”
Mybrothershookhisheadandusheredusawayfromtheclub.“Let’sgo,Rosie.I’lltellyoueverythingbutnothere,okay?”
Lucas’shandgrazedthesmallofmyback.“IcalledanUberthemomentOllygotoutthatdoor.It’llbehereinafewminutes,”hesaidashecameupbehindusandledusawayfromtheentrancetotheclub.
Hetookhiscoatoffandthrewitinmyarms.“Putitonyourbrother.”
“Who’sthis?”Ollyasked.
IlookedatmybrotherjustintimetoseehimtakeinLucas’ssuit.Then,glancingatmeandinspectingmyattire.Hecametoastop.“OhGod,youwereonadate.”
Ipickedupmypace,pullinghimafterme,theanswertothatquestiontoocomplicatedformetoelaborate.“AndnowI’mhere.I’msogladyoucalled,Olly.”
JustasLucaswasnodding,Iheardheavystepsbehindus.Iturnedaround—wealldid—andtookinthemanthathadjustexitedtheclubandwasnowlookingourway.
“Jimmy,”Ollymuttered.“Fuck.”
“Well,well,”Jimmydrawled.“Olly,ifyouweregoingtoinviteyourprettysistertowatchashow,youshouldhavegivenmeaheads-up.”Helookedmeupanddownwithasneer.“Iwouldhavecleanedup.”
IrecognizedhimasthemanwhohadpickedupmybrotheroutsidePennStationweeksago.
BothmybrotherandLucasmovedforward,partlyinfrontofme.
ButImanagedtomakeeyecontactwithJimmy.IknewabullywhenIsawone
“Notevenahello?”Heclickedhistongue.“That’snotveryfriendly,now,isit?”
Lucas,whoInoticednowhadbeeninchingtowardJimmy,cametoastopafewfeetinfrontofOllyandme.
Iwatchedthemusclesinhisbackstraighten,hisshoulderssomehowexpanding.“Don’ttalktoher,”LucassaidinahardvoiceI’dneverheardfromhim.“Don’tevenlookherway.Youhavesomethingtosaytoher,orOlly,yougothroughme.”
Jimmysnickered.“Wellthen,tellprettyboynextshowisinfifteen.Thecrowdisalreadyferal,sohebetterthrowonsomemoreoilandgetin.”Nextshow.Itreallydawnedthen,Olly,mybrother,aperformer.Astripper.“Ornowthathisgirlistuckedawayhe’snottakingthestageanymore?”
Tuckedaway.Oh,Olly.Whatevertroublehe’dgottenintowasoverprotectingagirl,ofcourse,itwas.
Jimmy’swordswerestillechoinginthenightwhenavehiclecametoastopbehindus.
Iwatchedtheman’seyesnarrow.
Lucasdidn’tturntolookatus—atme—whenhesaid,“Rosie,getyourbrotherinthecar.”
Stillshocked,Ihesitated.Lucasstoodtherelikeastatue,servingasawallbetweenJimmyandmeandmybrother
“ángel,”Lucas’sdeepandcommandingvoicecameagain,breakingthroughmyhesitance.“Car,now.Please.”
Snappingintoaction,IlinkedarmswithmybrotherandheadedfortheUber.Oncemybrotherwassittinginside,IturnedbacktocheckonLucas.Heremainedinthesameposition,onlynowJimmywasrightinfrontofhim,thetwoofthemtalking.Nothingmorethangrittedwordsbetweentheirteeth,notloudenoughformetomakeoutasinglething.
Ididn’tlikeit.Notonebit.EverycellinmybodydemandedthatIgotoLucasanddraghimaway.
“Stayinthecar,Olly,”Isaid,andgesturedforthedrivertowait.
IhaddraggedLucasintothismess,andI’dbedamnedifsomethinghappenedtohimbecauseofme.IhadalmostmadeittoLucas,myarmsreadyandstretchedinhisdirection,reachingforhim,whenJimmythrewbackhisshouldersandshovedatLucas’schest.
ThemanIlovedsomuchforhiskindness,hiswarmth,hisselflessheart,stumbledbackbeforestraightening.Andinsteadofretaliating,insteadofreturningtheshoveorthrowingapunch,hetookanotherstepback.
“You’realuckyman,”Lucastoldhim,iceinhisvoice.“IpromisedherIwouldn’tengage.”
Theothermanscoffed,thesoundweakandhisnextwordsuncertain:“Ohyeah?”
Lucasstareddowntheothermanforalongmoment,andthen,heturned,leavinghimbehind.Hewaskeepinghispromisetome;hewasn’tengaging.
Butthen,soquicklythemotionhardlyregistered,Jimmychargedforward,hisbootmakingimpactagainstLucas’scalf.Hisrightcalf.
Lucaswentdown,fallingtohiskneeswithhardlyasound.Hisheadhunglowbetweenhisshoulders,andhischestheaved.
Myvisionblurred,myearsrang,andeverythingturnedred.AsifIwerenolongermyself,Idartedforward.
“Yousonofabitch!”Icried.
“Mybad,”IheardJimmydrawl.“See,promisesdon’tmeanmuchtome.”
Ignoringallcaution,myragebubbledtothesurface.
Ilookedaround,desperatetodosomething,anything,tomakehimhurt,findingnothingbutmypursehangingoffmyshoulder.
Igrippeditbythehandleandraisedmyarm,readytoflingtheclutchathimifitwasthebestIcouldcomeupwith,overlookinghowharmlessitwouldreallybe.Howridiculous.
Warmfingerswrappedaroundmywrist,andtheonlyvoiceintheworldthatcouldhavestoppedmefromdoingsomethingsostupidspoke,“Rosie,no.”
Mylipsparted,andIheardmyselfsaying,“Yes.”
Thosefingersspread,theirtouchanchoringme.Groundingme.“Don’tengage.Youpromisedme.”Ihad,butthathadbeenbeforeLucashadtakenthatuglyhit.“Putdownthebag.”
Itwasn’tthepleainhisvoice.Itwastheknowledgeofhimstandingonhisfeet,thepainlacinghisvoice,thatmademeobey.Ilookedathim,andheevenmanagedasmile.“He’snotworthit.”
Hewasn’t.
Butforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwantedtochooseviolence.
“Let’sgohome.”Lucas’sfingerspulledatmyarm,extricatingmypursefrommydeathgrip.Heslippeditonhisarm,evenwhenItoldhimIcouldcarryitmyself.ButLucasdidn’tlisten.Hestraightenedandthrewanarmaroundmyshoulders,leaningsomeofhisweightonme.Hewalkedwithme,andIcouldtellhewasbitingthroughthepain.Whenwereachedthecar,Lucasturned.“Ihavenothingtolose,Jimmy.Nothing.Andyou’dbewisetorememberthat,becausenexttimeIwon’tbewalkingaway.”CHAPTERTWENTY-FOURRosie
Nobodysaidawordonthewaybacktotheapartment.
Ollygazedoutthewindow,hisbaretorsocoveredbyLucas’scoat.
Isatbetweenthetwomen,linkingmyarmwithmybrother.AndLucas,whosefacehadbeenvoidofanykindofemotion,heldmyhandtightly.AsifIwastheoneinneedofsupport.
Me,whenithadbeenhimontheground.Me,whenhewastheoneinpain.Inpainbecauseofme.
Ifeltsoguilty,Icouldhardlybreathe.ThatwasprobablywhyIslippedintomanagementmodethemomentwefinallyenteredLina’sstudioforwhatwassupposedtobemyfinalnight.BecauseIcouldn’tallowmyselftothinktoomuch,either.
Ishovedmybrotherintothebathroomandforcedhimtotakeashower.Whenhewasout,IdidthesamewithLucas.ItookthepairofsweatsandhoodieLucasofferedandshovedtheminOlly’shands,makingsurehechangedintothewarmclothes.Ipreparedtea.Igrabbedblanketsfromtheclosetandplacedthemonthearmrestofthecouch,readytowrapthetwomenupinthemiftheysomuchaslookedchilly.Then,IputiceinaclothforLucas,notevenknowingifthatwouldhelp.Andafterthat,Iwentonascavengerhuntforpainkillers.Becausethiswasn’tmyplace,andIdidn’tknowwhereLinamightkeepsome.
“Whatareyoulookingfor?”LucasaskedasIcrouchedonthekitchenfloor,stillinmydress.
“Whatareyoudoing,Lucas?”Ianswered.“Taketheiceandgositdown,please.”
“Notuntilyoutellmewhatyou’relookingfor.”
“I’msearchingforpainkillers.Foryou.”Movingalargepantooneside,Isighed.“I’velookedeverywhere,bathroom,drawers…IhavenoideaifLinahasany.”
“Rosie,”Lucassaid,andhisvoicemademelookup.Hedidn’tseemhappy,whichIguessedwasn’tsurprisinggiventhecircumstances.“Therearenopainkillersinthere.Onlypots.”
“You’reright,”Isaid,comingtoastandingpositionandfeelingthestilldampfabricshiftingagainstmylegs.“There’saCVSdownthestreet.Itshouldbeopen.”
“You’renotgoinganywhere,”hesaidsimply.“You’restayingrightwhereyouare.Withme.Andyou’regettingoutofthisdressandjumpingintotheshower,too.”
“But—”
Hecameforward,gettingclose,reallyclose.Hetuckedalockofhairbehindmyear.“Thisisnotaone-waystreet,Rosie.Youlookafterme,andIlookafteryou.Wetakecareofeachother.We’reateam.”
“Ateam.”Isighed,myeyelidsfallingclosed.
HisthumbswipedalongmyjawsosoftlyIcouldbarelyfeelit.“Yes.So,getintheshowerandchangeintodryclothes.I’llkeepaneyeonOlly.”
AfraidofblurtingouthowgoodhewasandhowmuchIlovedhim,Ijustnodded.
Onmywaytothebathroom,Itriedtocalmmypulse,alltheconflictingemotionsthreateningtoburstoutofme.Guiltandgratitude.Loveandterrifyingfearofgettingmyheartbroken.
Oncedonewiththeshower,hairtowel-dried,andcladinmypajamas,IopenedthebathroomdoortoOllywrappedinablanketononecornerofthecouchandLucassittingonthefloorwithhisbackagainsttheoppositeside.
Hewaspressingtheicepackonhiskneeandwhenourgazesmet,hiseyeswarmed.Then,asIstoodthereinmysleepingshorts,helookeddownmybarelegsandthatwarmthturnedintoheat.
Afewhoursago,alooklikethatwouldhaveleftmetingling,hopingformore,butnowallofthat…hadsoured.BecauseIhadruinedtonight.AndIhatedit.IhatedthatIwasresponsibleforhimbeinginpain.
“Comehere,”Lucassaid,pattingthecouchcushionbehindhishead.“IwasaskingOllywhatweshouldwatch.”
Isighed.“It’ssolate,LucasI…”
BeforeIcouldproperlycomplain,though,Lucas’slipscurled,givingmeadistractingsmile.“Weallneedtounwind,takeourmindsofftonight.Iwouldcooksomethingbut—”
“No.”Iinstinctivelyshotforward.Justsohewouldn’tmovefromwherehewas.“Nocookingoranythingthatimpliesbeingonyourfeetforyou.Stayput.”
Hesmiledwider,anddammit,itwashardnottofeelgoodseeingthatsmile
“Ithinkhe’sright,Rosie,”mybrotheroffered.
“Youtwoganginguponme?”Withasigh,IcametoastopinfrontofLucas.“Whydon’tyoutakethecouch?There’senoughspaceforyoutostretchyourleg.”
Heshookhishead.“Thefloorisfine.”
Ipinnedhimwithalook.
Andinsteadoffightingmeoverit,insteadoftryingtosaysomethingthatwouldconvincemeormakemefeelbetter,heplacedthepalmofhishandtothesideofmythigh.Andslowly,eversoslowly,hesqueezed.Thepadsofhisfingerswererightagainstmybareskin,andeverywherethatourskintouchedheatedup.Intenseawarenessspreadout,travelingtoallpartsofmybody.
Lucaslethishandrestthereashelookedupatme,straightintomyeyes.Hisjawsetintoaline,hisfeaturesserious.“Don’tmakemegetonmyfeetandpickyouupmyself,ángel.”AndIknewhemeantit.“BecauseI’llcarryyoutothecouchifIhaveto.”
God,thisman.“Fine,”Irelented.
Hishandfelloffmyskinatthesametimeasagruntofagreementlefthislips.
Choosingtoignorehowthatlittlesoundaffectedme,Iploppedmyselfdownonthecouch,watchingasLucasrepositionedhimselfsohisshouldersandheadwerebetweenmylegs.
Hecurledthearmthatwasn’tholdingtheicearoundmyshin.“Nowthefloorisn’tjustfine,”hesaidquietly.“It’sperfect.”
Ilaughed,secretlycursinghimforthinkinghecouldgoaroundsayingstufflikethatlikeitwasnothing.Likeitwasn’tsupposedtomakemewanttoscrambleoffthecouchandcampinhislap.
“Bean?”mybrothercalledfromtheothersideofthecouch.
Ilookedoverathim.“Yeah,Olly?”
“WhyareweatLina’splace?”
“That’sabitofalongstory.I’llbemovingbacktomyapartmenttomorrow.”
Lucasnudgedmykneewithhishead,andmyhandunconsciouslydraggedalongmythigh,stoppingwhenmyfingertipsreachedhishair.Slippingthemin,Iabsentlystrokedafewchocolate-coloredstrandsback.
“AfterIdropyouoffatDad’s,”Iadded,watchingwithinfinitepleasurehowLucas’sheadrolledtoonesideundermytouch.“I’lltakethetraintoPhillywithyouandthengetbacktothecity.”
“Okay,”Ollyacceptedwithoutacomplaint.AndthatmademesorelievedIbarelyhandlednotcrying.“Ialreadytoldyourboyfriendwhileyouwereintheshower,but…I’msorryIruinedyournight,”hecontinued,andthemansittingbetweenmylegsonthefloor,theonewhoseheadwasleaningonmythighandwhosehandwaslatchedonmyankle,didn’tutterawordatthelabelmybrotherhadused.Didn’teventenseorflinchatall.Ollywenton,“Ioweyouanexplanation,Rosie.Forbeinganidiotanddraggingyouintomymesstonight.Becauseifyouhadshownupalone,Jimmy—”
“Butshedidn’t,”Lucascutmybrotheroff.“Andthat’swhatmatters.”
“That’sright.AndIknowyou’resorry,Olly.”Therewasn’tadoubtinmymindorheartaboutit.Ollywassorry,andthiswholeordealwouldweighonhimforalongtime.“ButIneedtoknowwhathappened,whateveritwas.”
Ollynodded,fallingsoquietthatIthoughthewouldn’tsayanything,butthenhedid.“There’sthisgirl,Lexie.Itallstartedwithherreally.”Heshookhishead,andthegesturesomehowremindedmeofhowmuchhe’dchanged.Howmucholderhelookednow.“Itwasabet.Iwastryingtoimpressherand…itturnedouttobefun.MorefunthanIthought.Andthemoneywasgood.Thatmovieisn’tlying.”Hechuckledbitterly.“Imadeenoughtocomebackthenextnight.ButitwasbecauseofherthatIwentbackeverynightafterthat.Tokeepaneyeonher.”
Iswallowed,processingeverythinghewastellingme,comingupwithahundredquestions.Buttheonethatseemedtomatterthemostwas,“IsLexieokaynow?”
Henodded.“Yeah,we’re…itdoesn’tmatter.Igotheroutoftrouble,Rosie.ThatwaswhyIdidn’twanttodoitanymore.”Hisexpressionturnedheavy.“Jimmyistheowner’srighthand,andhewasn’thappyaboutmequitting.Iapparentlyattractedagood…audience.ButIknewthatifIinvolvedyou,hewouldletmewalkaway.Hewouldn’twanttoattracttoomuchattentionortrouble.Callingyouwasselfish.”
“Oh,sweetie.”Isighed,myheartaching.“I’myoursister.Askingformyhelpisn’tselfish.”
“ButIgotyourboyfriendhurt.Youcouldhavebeen,too.”
Lucasreactedthen,andwhathesaidwas,“Jimmydid,notyou.AndI’dneverletanyonehurtRosie,Olly.JustlikeItoldyouearlier.”
“Thanks,”Ollywhispered.
Otherthanthat,mybrotherdidn’tsayanythingelse,andneitherdidtheamazing,selflessmannestledbetweenmylegs.So,IcontinuedplayingwithLucas’shairforalongtime,scratchinghisscalpgently.Andevenwhenhisbodyslumpedagainstmylegs,andhischestrumbledagainstmyskin,Istillkeptgoing.BecauseasmuchastouchingLucasusuallylefteverycellinmybodytingling,Iwasbeginningtounderstandthattouchingsomeoneyoulovedwasaboutmuchmorethanjustthat.Itwasn’talwaysaboutthesparksandthefireworks.Notexclusively.Itcouldalsobeaboutthepeaceitbroughtyou.Thecomfort.AndforalltheromancesI’dreadandtheone,almosttwo,I’dwritten,Ihadn’tknownthat.Iwouldhaveneverimaginedthattouchingamancouldlightmeupinsideandquieteveryworryandeverynoiseintheworld.
Westayedlikethatforalongwhile,noneofuspayinganyattentiontowhatwasplayingontheTV.OnlywhenOlly’sbreathdeepenedandsnoressoundedfromhissideofthecouchdidIleanforwardtowhisperinLucas’sear.
“Let’sgotobed.”
Imovedaroundhim,standingupandofferinghimbothhands.Withatiredexpressionthattoldmehe’dbeenabouttofollowmybrother’sexample,hetookthem,lettingmepullhimup.
AndjustlikeithappenedeverytimeIcamewithinhuggingdistanceofthisman,Iendedupwrappedinhisarmsforalong,heavenlymoment.
Hisheaddipped.“Youdidsowelltonight,Rosie.Sowell.”
ItfeltlikeIhadn’tdoneasinglethingrighttonight.Orlately.
Ishookmyheadandturnedaround,makingmywaytothebed.
“Rosie?”Lucas’shushedvoicereachedmefromwherehewas,stillatthefootofthesofa.“Ithinkthatifyouhelpme”—hisfeatureshardenedasheseemedtothinkaboutsomething—“maybewecangetyourbrotherintothebed.”
“Comehere,”Iwhisperedback,throwingopenthecoversofthebed.Buthehesitated,notmoving.Turningthattenderspotinmychestevensofter.“LeaveOlly.Yousleepheretonight.Withme.”
Hisjawtensed.
“LucasMartín,”Isaid,hearingtheedgeinmyvoice,evenifhushed,“ifyoudon’tgetinthisbed,withme,rightthissecond,you’regoingtobreakmyheart.AndIdon’tthinkIwillbeabletotakeit.Nottonight.”
Iwasn’tevenjoking.
Becauseonlyafewhoursago,I’dbeeninhisarms,andhe’dbeenkissingme.Andasmuchaswehadn’ttalkedaboutit,somethinghad…openedbetweenus.Somethingmore
AllofthatmusthavebeenwrittenallovermyfacebecauseLucas’shesitationmeltedaway.
Choosingnottoaskhimforthehundredthtimeifhewasinpain,Ijoinedhiminbedandthrewthecoversoverus.Irolledonmysidewithalonganddeepsigh,andfacedhimwhileheremainedonhisback,hisheadturnedtowardme.
“Areyoucomfortable?”
“AsmuchasI’lleverbe,ángel.”
Iswallowed,searchinghisfaceforthemeaningbehindthat.Washehurting?Didheregretcomingwithmetonight?Didheregretkissingme?
“I’msorryyougothurt,Lucas.Ihatethatyoudid,but…”Itrailedoff,hatingmyselfalittlebitforwhatIwasgoingtosay.“Doesitmakemeahorriblepersontosaythatdespiteeverything,I’mgladyouwerethere?Withme?”
Heshookhishead.“Youhavenothingtobesorryfor,okay?”Helookedatmeasifhewaswaitingforsomething.“Iwouldhaveneverletyougointherealone,Rosie.Never.”
Ishifted,movingalittleclosertohim.
Lucasreachedoutahand,thepadsofhisfingersbrushingthecornerofmylipslightly.Tooquickly.“Ican’tbelieveyouwerereadytohithimwithyourpurse.Forme.”
Hewasn’tsmiling.Orlaughing.AndIdidn’twantto,either,becauseIhadbeendeadseriousaboutthat.“AndIcan’tbelieveyoustoppedmefromdoingthat.”
“You’realwaysbeautiful,”heshockedmebysaying,andmyheartspedup.“Butseeingyoulikethat?Readytoclawyourwayforwardtoprotectme?”Hepaused,hiseyesfillingwithsomethingthatwouldhavebeenaweifnotfortheheavyandsultryqualitythatcoatedthem.“Youwerebreathtaking.Likeanavengingangel.Ihadtostopmyselffromkissingyouthereandthen.”
Mylipsparted,andmyfaceflushed.Notfromembarrassment,butfromthewaveofneedthatinthatmomentwashedovermywholebody.BecauseLucaswasnotonlysayinghe’dwantedtokissme,buthewasalsolookingatmelikehe’ddieifhedidn’t.
“Weshouldn’t,”hebreathedout.“It’slate,andweshouldgetsomesleep.”
Reluctantly,Inodded.
Lucasadded,“Mylegwillbebettertomorrow,Ipromise.”
Ididn’tbelievehim.ButIlovedhimforstilltrying.“YoutoldmeIcouldaskyouanything,always,soIwanttoknowaboutsomething.”Henodded.“Whydoyouhavenightmares?”
Lucastriedtorollonhissideandwincedinpain.
“Theaccident,”headmitted,fallingquietforafullminute.“It’sironicbecauseI’mdrowninginthosenightmares.Andthatwasnothowithappened.It’sasifmyheadhascomeupwithnewdifferentwaystohauntmeinmysleep.”Alongandshakybreathlefthislips.“Ihaven’tbeenabletobringmyselftotalkaboutit,notsinceithappened.”
Iscootedclosertohim.“Why?”
“Therehasn’tbeenanyoneI’ve…wantedtotell,untilnow.Someonewhowouldn’twanttofixme.Becausethere’snothinglefttofix,Rosie.”
Fixhim?Didn’theseethathewasperfect?TherewasnothingaboutLucasthatneededfixing.“Youcan’tfixsomethingthat’snotbroken,Lucas.”
Hereachedanarmaroundmywaist,bringingmeclosertohim.“IwaspreppingforacompetitioninHossegor,weeksbeforeLina’swedding,”hesaid,voicelikegravel.Andjustlikethat,Iknewthathewasgoingtoopenup.Hewasfinallygoingtotalkaboutit.Withme.AndIfelttheluckiestwomanintheworldtohavehimtrustmefirst.
“Hossegor?”
“InFrance,”hepaused.“It’snotaparticularlydangerousbeachbut…there’sthisonespotwithoneofmyfavoritebreaks.Rosie”—hesighed,anditwassomehowhopeful,happy—“it’ssuchabeautifulplace.Theconditionshavetoberight,butthewavecanholdshapeuptothreemeters,whichisalmosttenfeet,Ithink.Big,wonderfulwaves.That’swhyI’dalwaystrytovisitatleastonceayear.Evenifsomedaysit’sjustclose-outsyoucan’tride.”
HewastalkingwithakindofpassionIrecognized.ItwasthesameoneIheardinmyvoicewhenItalkedaboutwriting.Aboutmydream.OrtheoneI’dseenglimpsesofinhimwhenhetalkedaboutcooking.
“Theproblemwiththatspot,though,”hecontinued,histonenolongerthesame,“istheshorebreak.Ifyou’reridingawavethatbreaksdirectlyonshore,itcanpropelyourbodyoutandontothesand.Withthatspeedandforce,it’slikehittingconcrete.Youcanbreakyourneck.Damageyourspinalcord.Oryourextremitiesifyoufallinacertainway.”Hisvoicebroke,hiseyesflutteringclosed.“AndIknewallofthat.Iknewtherisks.It’sagnarlyplace,reservedforprosforareason.Andyet…”
Andyetitsomehowhappened.
Mypalmlandedonhischest,andIcouldfeelhisheartpoundingundermyfingers.
“Andyet,”herepeated,stillnotfinishingthestatement,hisbreathgoinginandoutofhislungsinabrokenrhythm,“mykneewasshattered.Ineededsurgery.Everythingwas…”Aghostlyexpressionthatbrokemyheartinamillionpiecescameoverhim.Iwantedtoscreamattheinjusticeoftheaccident,atallthethingshe’dlost,andIwantedtosomehowreturnthemalltohim.“I’llneverbeabletogetthatback.Myrightlegjust…Ican’t,Rosie.I’mtoooldtodoitalloveragain,torecoverandclimbbacktotopform.Physicaltherapywouldgetmebacktofine—notgreat,notprimeshape,justfine.”
Icuppedhisjaw,grazingmythumboverhischeek.
“Onehit.Thatwasallittook.OnebadhitandI…”hetrailedoff,lookingdisorientedforafewseconds.“Iwentunder,Rosie.Sunkstraighttothebottom.”
“Youdidn’t,”Itoldhim,slippingmyfingersinhishair,claspingthebackofhisneck.“You’rehere.Breathing.Whole.Alive.”
Lucas’sfeaturespinched.
“Youlostsomuchthatday,andyet,you’rehere,”Irepeated,allowingmyselftosaywhatheneededtohear.“You’renotthesame,andyoudon’tneedtobe.Becauseyou’rehere,withme.Openingyoureyeseverymorningandsmilingattheworldinawayonlyyouknowhowtodo.Youlostsomething,butyoudidn’tloseeverything,Lucas.Youdidn’tloseyourself;youjust…changed.”
Hetiltedhishead,restinghischeekagainstmywrist.
Andafteraheartbeat,bothhisarmswerearoundme,andhewassaying,“Venaquí.”
Ididn’trecognizetheSpanishwords,butitdidn’tmatterbecauseIknewwhattheymeant.Comehere.Closer.
SoIwenttohim.BecausewhereLucaswasconcerned,I’dneverhesitate.Andso,Icurledagainsthischest,restingmyheadoverhisheart.
“You’reright.I’mrighthere,ángel,”hewhisperedbeforebrushinghislipsonthetopofmyhead.“AndIcan’tbelieveIfoundyou.”
Hewaswrong.Hehadn’tfoundme.
Ihad.CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVELucas
Acrampgrippingthewholelengthofmylegwokeme.
Iknewtheconsequencesofnotgoingthroughtheadvisedphysicaltherapysessions.Ihadn’tnurturedmyrebuiltjointsandatrophiedmusclesbacktohealth,andthiswastheirwaytoprotest.Seizecontrol.Ihadonlymyownstubbornnesstoblame.
Upuntillastnight,Ihadn’treallycared.Therehadn’tbeenareasonto.Butthen,thatbastardhadkickedme,comingatmefromtheback,andI’dbeenonmyknees.Gaspingforfuckingairandincapableofmoving,terrifiedthathe’dgoafterRosienext,andIwouldn’thavebeenabletostophim.Ithadbeenthatfearthathadsomehowbroughtmeup.Onlytofindherwieldingherpurse,likeawarriorprincess.
Mythighspasmedagain,andIwinced.RealizingIwasonmysideandalltheweightofmybodyfellonmybadleg,Itriedtorollontomyback.Butsomethingstoppedme.Peaches
Ipeekeddown,findingthesourceofthatintoxicating,deliciousscent.
Rosie.Herbodywascocoonedbymine.
Wespooned,thebackofherheadrestingagainstmythroat,herbackflushagainstmychest,ourthighspressedtogether,andherassnestledinmylap.
Nestledagainstmymorningwood.
Dios.Neverhadahard-onfeltsogood,andneverhaditbeenso…inconvenient.Inconvenientfor…reasonsIcouldn’trecall.
Reasonsmydickdidn’tcareforwhenRosie’sbodywassowarmandsoftagainstmine.Reasonsthatseemedunimportantthemoretimepassedwithmyarmsaroundherwaist,orthehighermypalmhikedupherstomach,orthedeepermynosedugintoherhair.
Rosieshifted,herasswigglinginmylap,andmyhard-onstoodtoattention,anyremainingtraceofsleepdissipatingandbringingmefullyawake.
Abreathleftmymouthforcefully,andIhadtostillmyselffromdoingsomethingcrazy,somethingbad.Somethinglikepositioningherbodysoshewouldrubagainstmejustright.Just—
Rosie’shipsmovedagain,slidingalongmylengthandturningmydicktosteel.
“Ah,joder,”Ibreathedout.
Withoutbeingabletohelpmyself,Isplayedmyfingersonherstomach,lettingthetopsofmyfingertipsreachherribs.Ineededtostopthis,tostopmyself,butIcouldn’t.Didn’treallywantto.Everythinginmewantedhercloser,fusedagainstme,andthatoverpoweredanygoodintentionsImighthavehadatsomepointinthepast.ThatwasprobablywhyIcouldn’tstopmyarmsfromcurlingaroundher,whyIcouldn’tstopmyselffrompullingherback,rightupagainstme.
Herbreathcaught.
“Isthisokay,ángel?”Iwhisperedinherear,feelinglikeaselfishbastardevenwhenIasked.
Asmallpartofmeexpectedhertocomplain,hopedthatshewouldturnandaskwhatthehellIwasdoing,whatkindoflibertiesIwastaking,butacontentedsighleftherlips.
“IthoughtI’dbeendreaming,”shesaidlow,solow,herhandscomingtogripmyforearmsandsnugglingagainstme.Shefuckingsnuggledintomyhard-on,liketherewasnowhereelseshe’dratherbe.“Butit’sreal.You’rehere.”
Mymouthteasedtheshellofherear.“You’renotdreaming;you’reawake.”AndbecauseIwasinfactaselfishbastardandIhadhappilylearnedwhatitdidtoher,ImadesuretomurmurinSpanish,“Buenosdías,preciosa.”
Apuffofairlefther,andherbacksideshiftedagain,rubbingherselfagainstmycock.Shemovedupanddown,knowingexactlywhatshewasdoingtome.
Mylipsparted,agroanwantingtoescape,myhipsdyingtomoveagainsther,myteethreadytonibbleherearwhileIwhisperedallthethingsIwantedtodotoher.
“Hmm,itstillfeelslikeadream,”shesaidinabreathyvoicethatsentmorebloodstraighttomydick,makingitpulsewithneed.
Ihummedinresponse,allowingthathandonherstomachtosearchfortheedgeofhertop.Islippedmyfingersunderneath,thecontactofourskinheatingmyblood,obscuringeverythingbutmyneedforher.
“Youfeellikeadream,too,”Itoldher,burrowingmynoseinherhair,inhalingslowly.“Smelllikeone,too.”
AshiverrockedRosie’sbody,andherfingerswrappedaroundmywrist,urgingmetotouchher,asifIneededanyencouragement.
Lettingmoreofmyweightfallonher,Itrailedmyhandup,up,up,passingherstomach,herribs,reachingtheunderswellofherbreasts.AgroanslippedfrommymouthwhenIwasremindedshewasn’twearingabra.
Rosiepressedherasstomycockagain,spurringmeon.Andoncemore,Ididn’tstopmyself.Icouldn’twhenshefeltsogoodagainstme,undermytouch.
Thebackofmyfingersgrazedthewarmskin,makinghershiver.AndLord,ittookmelessthanasecondtohavemyhandcuppingthefullnessofherbreast.
Somethingclosetoa“Yes”leftherlipsandmyfingersshifted,thepadofmythumbflickingoverhernipple.
Iwantedtohearthatyesagain,butlouder.Clearer.Leavinghermouthinacryofpleasure,followedbymyname.Iwantedtofuckallofthatrightoutofher.ButtherewassomethingIwasforgetting.Somethingthat—
Fuck
“Rosie,”Iraspedout.“Yourbrother’ssleepingonthecouch,lessthanfifteenfeetaway.”
Herheadshook,herbackarchingfurther,luringmerightbackintothehaze,pushingmecloserandclosertoapointofnoreturn.
“Hesleepslikethedead,”sheslurred.
Myindexfingerjoinedmythumb,closingaroundhernipple,andIwantedtoroarinfrustrationatknowingthatIcouldn’tteaseherashardoraslongasIwanted.ThatI’dneedtostopmyselfsoon.
Rosiewhimperedverysoftly,herassnowmovingupanddowninmylap,teasingmycockwithswayingmotions.
Takingmyhandoffherbreastwithwhattookallmygoddamnwillpower,Istilledherroughlyagainstme.
Icounteddowntothree.
“Rosie,”Iwarnedher,bringingmymouthtoherear.Grazingmyteethoverthesensitiveskin,evenwhenIshouldn’thave.“Youneedtostopthat.”
Butshedidn’t.Shemovedagain,makingmycockswellandpulsewithablindingwaveofneed.“Butitfeelssogood,”shemumbled,soundingoutofbreath.“Doesn’titfeelgoodforyou,too?”
Itdid.
“Preciosa,”Igrowledinherear.“Itfeelsfuckingamazing.”AndIshouldn’thave,Ireallyshouldn’thave,butIthrustedagainsther.Justonce.“SogoodI’llcomeinmysweatsifyoukeepthison.”
“That’snotabadthing,”sheansweredquickly,needcoatingherhushedwords.“Ilikethat.”
Shetriedtomoveagain,butImanagedtostopthat,turningherandpinningherwiththefullweightofmybody.AndIfelttheshift,themomentitregisteredinherhowmuchshelovedbeingpinnedunderme.Amoanrumbledinherchest.
Icursedmyself.
“Youlovethis,beautifulRosie?”Iheardmyselfwhispering,lockingherbetweenmeandthemattress.Shenodded,herbreathingturninglabored,hectic.“Youlovegivingmecontrol,havingmealloveryou?”Anothernod.Andwithoutbeingabletostopmyself,Ithrustedagainstherassagain.Onelaststroke.Thelastone.“It’dfeelsogoodifImadeyoucomelikethis,Rosie.”
Rosiewhimpered,loudlythistime,makingthebloodtravelingstraighttomydickswirlwithdesperation.Icoveredhermouth.
Andthat—
Fuck.Thatdidn’thelp,becauseherbodywasnowmeltinglikefuckingbutterleftoutinthesun.
“Rosie,”Isaid,voicelow,solowIdidn’trecognizeit.“I’mnotgoingtomakeyoucomewithyourbrotherwithinearshot.Sorry,preciosa.I’msorry.”
AndIwas,GodknewIwas.
Rosienoddedherheadinunderstanding,andwhenhereyesopened,Iletgoofhermouth.
Ibrushedmylipsoverhertemple.“WhenImakeyoucome,I’llwanttohearthosemoans.”ItrailedmymouthdownuntilIreachedherjaw,andInibbledatthesoftline.Ileftsoftkissesallalongthatbeautifulline.“IfImakeyoucome,Ineedtohearyoucallingmyname.”
Andthen,IdidoneofthehardestthingsI’deverhadtodo:Irippedmyselfoffher.
Slowly,Irolledontomyback,mylegthankingmefortheshift,andmydick…tentingthecomforter.
Rosieturnedonhersidetofaceme,eyesroamingupanddownmybody.Shelickedherlips,andIheardmyselflettingoutaharshbreath.
“ángel,”Ibreathedout.“Keeplookingandlickingyourlipslikethatbutplease,pleasedon’treachoutandtouchmebecauseI—”I’dloseit.I’donehundredpercentloseit.Iwouldn’tfuckingcarewhowasintheroom.I’dmakeherscreammyname.
“I’llbegood,”sheanswered.
Andwhydidthatmakemewantto…dobadthingstoher?
Mydicktwitched.
Keepittogether,Itoldmyself.Thinkunsexythings.Liketrashcans.Or…thattimeTacohaddiarrhea
“Lucas?”
Iglancedbackather,findingherlipscurledintoasmile,andithitmelikeatonofbrickshowbeautifulshewasinthemornings.Inthislight.Inmybed.“Yeah?”
Shetuckedherhandsbeneathhercheek.“Ireallywishthisapartmenthadafewmorewalls.”
Ihuffedalaugh.“Yeah.I’mnotabigfanofthesefancyBrooklynstudioapartments,either,Ro.”
Shechuckledsoftly.
“Iamafanoftheviews,though,”Iadded,lookingstraightintohereyes.“Bigfanofthem.”
Thatblushthatmadehersouniquelyherreappeared.“You’resofullofcomplimentstoday,Mr.McConaughey.”
“Ilivetomakeyouswoon.”
Mymindreturnedtolastnightwhenwe’dkissed.Somethinghadsnappedintwothemomenthermouthmetmine.Iwasn’toblivious;ithadbeensimmeringbetweenusforalongtimebutithadsolidifiedonthatrooftop.
Weneededtotalkaboutthat.Ihadpromisedherhonesty,andIdidn’twantRosietothinkthatithadn’tmeantanythingtome,orthatIwasignoringit.ButIwantedtodothisright—whereRosiewasconcerned,Ineededtodorightbyher—andnowitwasn’tthebestmomenttotalkaboutit.
“IneedtopickupTacofromLinaandAaron’s.”
Shenodded.“IshouldprobablywakeOllyandheadtoDad’s,”shesaid,confirmingthatthereweremuchmoreurgentthingstodealwith.“Longdayahead.”
“Doyouwantmetocomewithyou?”Iasked.
“I’dlovetointroduceyoutomydad,butmaybeunderbettercircumstances.”Sheseemedtothinkofsomething.“HowaboutwecallLinaandaskifshecandropTacooff?Youshouldstayintoday,rest.”
Inodded,swallowinghard.“You’reprobablyright.”
“I’malwaysright.So…willyouaskLinatocome?”
Irolledmyeyes.
Shelaughed,anditwasamagicalsound.“Don’tmakemefightyouoverthis,LucasMartín.Iwillwin.”
Itwasmyturntosmile.“Don’tthreatenmewithagoodtime,RosalynGraham.”
Hermouthopenedbutbeforeshecouldsayanything,adifferentvoicespokeupintheroom.
“Rosie?”Ollycalledfromthecouch,stiflingwhateverhadbeenbetweenus.“Youup?”CHAPTERTWENTY-SIXLucas
BeingaloneintheapartmentleftmewithmoretimetomyselfthanIknewwhattodowith.
RosiehadgonewithOllysoonafterhewokeup,andasrestlessasIfeltforstayingbehind,Iunderstoodwhyshehadtoldmeitwasn’tagoodideatotagalong.
ThiswastimethatRosie,herbrother,anddadneededforthemselves.Asafamily.AndverymuchnecessarytimeIcouldusetocoolmyselfoffafterwhatI’dbeensoclosetodoingtoRosieearlierinthemorning.
Besides,IhadbeencountingonLinadroppingTacooffsoonafterRosiedeparted.Ofcourse,Lina,beingthedog-hoggershewas,hadrescheduled.AndnowtheplanwasthatLinawouldbringTacoherelatertodaywhenshepickedusuptomoveRosie’sstuffbacktoherapartment.BecauseRosiewasleavingtoday.Shewasgoingbacktoherplace.
AndIwascomingwithher.Unfortunately,notinthewayIwanted.Iwasonlygoingtohelp,eventhoughIwasn’tgoingtobeofmuchhelp.ButI…neededtoseeherbacktoherapartment.Makesureeverythingwasmendedandsorted.Seeformyselfthatshe’dbesafe.Okay.
Liar,avoiceinmyheadclaimed.Whatyouwantisanexcusetospendmoretimewithher.Anexcusetohaulherbackhere,withyou,ifsomethinginherapartmentismarginallyoutoforder
Yes.Yes.Becauseafterkissingherandhavinghersleepingbesideme,itwashardtoignorethispartofme,thisbeating,pulsing,emotioninsideofme,thatwantedRosie.Wantedherbadly
Andnow…nowIwashardagain.JustlikeI’dbeenthewholeday,butworse,becausenowmyheadwasbusywiththoughtsofhermovingbacktoherplace,ofnotseeingheranymore.
Withashakysigh,IcheckedmywatchandnoticedIatleasthadsometimebeforeRosiewasbackfromPhillyandLinacameoverwithTaco.
Ashower.Cold.Ineededtocooloffbeforeeitherofthemshowedup.
Slippinginsidethebathroominarush,Iundressedmyself.Itookagoodlookinthemirror,pointedafingeratmyreflection.“Contrólate,Lucas,”Itoldmyreflection,asifitwouldhelp.“You’rebeingahornyidiot,andthiscannotstand.”
Buttheneedinmyexpressiondidn’tgetanydullerandmydickdidn’tgetanylesshard.
Withashakeofmyhead,Iturnedontheshower—ascoldasit’dgo—andjumpedunderthestreamofwater,closingmyeyesthemomentithitmyshoulders.
Ishouldn’tbefeelingthiswayforawomanIhadmetjustafewweeksago.AwomanIhadpromisedshe’dbesafewithme.Awomanwhohadbecomeoneofmyclosestfriends.Myclosestfriend
Howhadthishappened?
Rosieaffectedmeinwaysnootherwomaneverhad.Iwantedtodothingsforher,everythingandanythingifsheletme.Iwantedtomakesurethatshewasokay.Morethanokay.Notgood,buthappy.Thatsheaccomplishedwhatevershedreamedof.Thatshewascaredfor,cherished.
AndGod,Iwantedtofuckher.Venerateherbody.Giveherpleasure.Withmyhands.Mymouth.MycockifI’deverbesolucky.Iwantedtotreatherlikeshedeservedtobetreated,likeagift.
Therewasnowayaroundit.Allofthatwasthere,bubblingundermyskin.Demandingtobeappeased.
Myhandsfelltomyhips,andI…God.IthadbeenalongtimesinceIrelievedallthispressure.
Ourlivingarrangementhadlotsofperks,butitalsohadonebigdisadvantage:thelackofrooms.Ofwalls.Privacy.We’dprovedasmuchthismorning.
TheimageofRosie,shiftinginmylap,flashedbehindmyeyes,settingmyskinonfire,makingmyhandsliplow,encouragedbythewaterfallingdownthesleekplanesofmybody.Incapableofstoppingmyself,IfinallygaveintotheoverpoweringneedI’dbeentryingtokeepatbayforhoursandcurledmyfingersaroundmycock.
Agroanslippedoutofmymouth.
Jesus,Iwassofuckinghard.IwasshockedIhadn’tburstwhenI’dhadherbodytuckedagainstmylap.Pinnedunderneathme.
Withalaboredbreath,Istrokedmyself,basetotip.Andmylegsalmostbuckledbeneathme.
Bracingmyotherhandonthecoolandslipperytilesoftheshower,Icontinuedfistingmyhardlength.Slow,roughstrokesthathadmeshutmyeyesinpainandrelief.Tortureandpleasure.
MymindsummonedimagesfromthatmorningwhenithadbeenRosie’sassstrokingme.Ipicturedmyselfflippingheronherbelly,readyingmyselftomakeherscreamthewayI’dpromisedher.Myfistmovedupanddownmylength,keepingtherhythmasIimaginedhertaste,thefeelofhersoftbodyunderneathmine,thepinkofherskin,thecurlofherlipswhenIfinallygavehertheorgasmwebothcraved.
Mevuelveloco.
Shedrovemecrazy.Justthethoughtofherdid,andI’dtellhermyself.I’dgladlywatchhersquirmoutofherskinwithlustwhenIhummedthosewordsinSpanishthewayshelovedsomuch.I—
“Lucas?”
Hervoicebrokethroughthehaze,coilingaroundmelikesmoke.
“Rosie?”Ireplied,longingandsurprisecoatinghername.
Withoutstoppingmyhand,becauseIcouldn’t,Ijustcouldn’tstop,Iturnedaround.Rosiestoodintheopenbathroomdoorway,inhercoat,herkeysdanglingoffherhand.HercheekswereadeepshadeofpinkIwantedtotastewithmytongue,andshewastransfixed.Hereyesonmyfistasitclosedaroundmycock.
“Rosie,miángel,”Iraspedout,turningmybody.LettingherseeallofmebecauseIwasathermercy.Iwasn’tevenashamedwhenItoldher,“Thisiswhatyoudotome.”
HerthroatbobbedandIsawherwholebodyreactingtothesight.Atmenaked,strokingmyselfunderthewaterstream.Thegreeninhereyesliquefied.Herblushspread.HermouthturnedintoabeautifulOIwasalreadyfantasizingabout.Overmyskin,aroundmyhardness,onmymouth
Mycockgotharder.
“Ican’tstop,”Isaid,myvoicegravel,desperate,forcingmyhandtoslowdown.
Rosie’sgazemetmine.“Don’tstop.”Thoseglassyeyesconfirmingthatshewasn’tappalledbymylackofcontrol.Notatall.Shewasexcited,flattered.Inneed.“Iheardacry,andIthoughtyouwerehurt.”
Iletmyforeheaddroptotheglassdooroftheshower,abitterlaughescapingmylips.“Iaminpain,ángel.”Ipushedaway,straighteningmyback,lookingatherstraightinhereyes,givingherashowifthatwaswhatshewanted.“SomuchIhadtofuckmyself.”
Sheshifted,hergazereturningtomyfist.Mycock.AndIstrokedmyselfharder.Bringingmyselfcloserandclosertotheedge.Hereyesmovedlower,andIsawtheshock,theconcern,inhereyeswhenshenoticedthescaronmyknee.
“Eyesup,Rosie,”Icommanded.IwasreadytodetonatelikeagoddamnbombandIwantedherwithme.
Sheobeyed.Andsoon,herhandabsentmindedlygoingtoherchest,herpalmmovingdowntorestbetweenherbreasts
“Youlikewhatyousee,Rosie?”Iaskedher,enrapturedbythelookofblissonherface.“Youlikeseeingmelikethis?Beingresponsibleforit?”
Shenoddedherhead.“Somuch.”
Fuck
“Rosie,”Igrittedbetweenmyteeth.“Rosie.ThethingsIwanttotellyou.Todotoyou.”
Sheswallowed,andweweresuspendedintimeforalongmoment.Then,slowly,veryslowly,sheletthekeysdroptothefloor.Sheopenedhercoat,revealingtheplaidbutton-downshirtI’dwatchedherputonthatmorning.Verydelicately,likeweweren’tinarush,andshedidn’tknowthatIwasabouttocomeoutofmyskinwithpurelust,shelethercoatfalltothefloor.
“We’repastplayingcoy.Tellmeeverything,”shesaid,meetingmygazewithsomethingthatdidmad,crazythingstome.“Iwanttohearit.IwantyoutowatchmelikeI’mwatchingyou.”
Agroanrumbledinmychest,climbingupmythroatandleavingmeinaburst.“YouwantmetotellyouhowtoteaseyourbeautifulbodythewayIwould?Wanttogivemeashowandmakemecrazylikeonlyyoucan?”
Shenodded,hereyestippingdowntomyfist,andbackuptomyface.
Ifeltmyselfbaringmyteeth,thebeastunbound,severingandslippingoutoftheleash.
“Unbuttonthatshirt,”Iinstructed,andshedid,tugginghardatthenecklineofhershirt.Sohardthatthetwotopbuttonssnappedanddroppedtothefloor,revealingacottonbra.Iletoutagruntofdesperationatthesight.“Bringthathandbacktoyourbreast.”
Shedid,andmypulsesprinted,mycockthrobbinginmyfist.
Rosiewhimpered,palmingherbreastwhilesheneverstoppedwatchingme.
“You’reinpain,too,Rosie.”Iexhaledthroughmynose,myeyesrakingherbodyanddrinkingintheneedymotions,wantingoutofthisshower.“You’rehurtingandwecan’thavethat.”
ShenoddedandIswallowed,wishingitwasmyhandaroundherbreast.Myfingersonher.MytongueonthatrosypeakIneededtosee.
MyvoicedroppedwhenIspokenext.“Bringdownthebra.”AndturnedintonothingmorethanaraspwhenIcontinued,“Letmelookatyou,preciosa.”
Thesightofherbreast,withherstandingthere,pantingwithhershirthalfopen,couldhavebroughtmetomyknees,butinsteaditbrokesomethingelse.Myrestrainttostayaway.Tokeepmyselfatbay.
Grittingmyteeth,IopenedtheshowerdoorwithonehandasIteasedmyshaftwiththeother.Hergazedroppedagain,andsheletoutawhimper.“Dothistoyournipple,Rosie.Withyourpalm,thenyourfingers.”
Rosiedidasinstructed,andshemoanedagain,hereyesflutteringclosedforaninstantonlytoopenbackupandzeroinonmewithahungerthatIknewmirroredtheoneetchedinmyface.
“Thisisn’tenough,”Igrunted.
Isteppedforward,readytogetoutofthisshowerandfuckheragainstthefloorlikeagoddamnanimal,forgettingallthereasonswhyIshouldn’t.ButRosiemovedatthesametime,desperateneedpouringoutofherassheslippedoutofhershoesandstalkedinmydirection,joiningmeunderthestreamofwater,drenchingherclothes.Herpalmfellonmychestandredexplodedbehindmyeyes.
Inoneswiftmotion,Ihadherbackagainsttheslipperytiles.Inthenext,Iwatchedherunzipherjeans,revealingthewhitelaceofherpanties.
AgrowlleftmylipsandIinstinctivelythrustedintomyhand.“Youwanttowatch,Rosie.Thenyoucanwatchmeupclose,”Ipanted,myfistmovingroughlyovermypulsinglength.“Youwantmetoguideyou,thenslipthosefingersinsideofyou,please.Please.SlipthembeforeIdo.”
Shebroughtherhandinsideherpanties,obeying.And,oh,themoanthatlefthermouthbroughtmesoclosethatIcouldfeelmyselfdrippingwithpre-cum.
“Teaseyourclit,teaseitlikeIwould,”Iurgedher,barelyrecognizingmyownvoice,herhandandmyhandmovingurgently.“Ah,preciosa,justlikethat.”
Thesoundofourbreathingoverpoweredthewaterfallingontopofus,andIcouldn’tstopmyselffromcomingcloser,Icouldn’tstopmyhandfromrisingtoherneck,closingaroundherthroatverygently.
“Isthisokay?”Iaskedher,watchingherfaceveryclosely.“Tellmeifitisn’t.”
Shegaveacurtnod,asifincapableofmore.“Yes.OhmyGod,yes.”
Bothourmotionsturnedquicker,moredesperate,ourhipsthrustingasifwewerefuckingeachotherandnotourownhands.
“Lucas?”Herbreathhitched.“I’mgoingtocome,ohGod.I—Lucas.”
Ipressedmythighsagainsthers,tightenedthepressureofmyfingersaroundherthroatonlyslightly,heldmyselfbackuntilshecame.“Come,Rosie,”Igrowled,lettinggoofmycockandmovingmyhandoverhers.“JustlikeIhavebeenfantasizingsinceHalloween.Rideourfingersandcomeforme.”
Sheexplodedwithaloudmoan,justlikeIwanted,andbeforemyeyes,hereyelidsflutteredandherwholebodytrembled.Andwhenherhandbecamelimpwiththewaveofpleasurerockingher,Itookover,ridingheroutoftheorgasm.
Myforeheadfellonhers,andIwaitedforhertoopenhereyesonceagaintoresumemyownstrokes.ShelickedherpartedlipsasIthrustedintomyhand,roughly,asroughlyasIeverdid,myspinetightening,everythingcoilingindown,bringingmetomylimit.“Thisiswhatyoudotome,Rosie.”
Herhandsfellonmyshoulders,movedtomypecs,hernailsgrazedmyskindownmystomach.
Ihissedabreath,fistingmyselfdesperately,nothingbutneedleft.“CanIcomeonyou,Rosie,ángel,please?”
“Yes,”shebreathedout.“Yes.”
Rosieliftedhershirt,forcingtherestofthebuttonsopen,andIstrokedmycockonemoretimebeforebursting.Withahoarsegroan,Icameonhersmoothskin,squeezinguntilthelastdropwithmyfist.WishingIwasinsideofher.Wishingthiswouldhavelastedforhours,fordays.
“Rosie,”Ibreathedout,bracingmyselfonthewallbehindherhead,feelingmydickstillpulsingwithrelease,watchingthewaterwashmyspentfromherstomach.“Estoyatuspies.Atuspies,preciosa.”
Westoodunderthestream,foreheadstogetherandheavingchestsforalongtime,untileventuallyIturnedthewateroffandpickedherupinmyarmswithoutanotherword.Mylegcomplained,andRosienoticed,demandingtobeputdown,butIrefused.Ididn’thavemuchtimeleftwithher,andthatmademereckless.Thatwasprobablywhyinsteadoflettinggoofher,insteadofputtingdistancebetweenusandtalkaboutwhathadjusthappened,Iplacedheronthegroundandstrippedherofherwetclothes.Ikissedherlipsagain.Ihelpedherputtingfreshclotheson.Andthen,Iletherdothesametome.
Becausetimewasworkingagainstme,now.Everythingwas.Andperhaps,ithadalwaysbeen.CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVENRosie
“Ibarelybrushedthecurb.You’remakingitlooklikeIdroveovera…squirrelorsomething.”
Ichuckled.
“Asquirrel?Really?”Lucasasked.
Linashothimalook.
“Itcouldhappen.”Then,sheloweredhervoicetoawhisper,eyeingTaco.“Ididn’twanttouseap-u-pasanexample,okay?”
Tacowhimperedatmyside,andthemanI’dspentanoutrageousamountoftimecheckingoutonourdrivetomyplacemutteredunderhisbreath,“Whatever.I’mnotcoveringforyouwithAaron.IlikehimandI’msurethere’ssomebro-codeI’dbebreaking.”
“Oh,”Iadded.“I’mnotcoveringforyou,either,sorry.”
Linarolledhereyes.“Aaronknewwhathewasdoingwhenheletmeborrowhiscar.He’stheonewhotoldmeIshouldn’tbescaredofNewYorktraffic,smart-asses.”
Lucasgrazedhishandoverthesmallofmyback,bringingapowerfulrushofawarenesstomyskinevenatthatbriefofatouch.
“Sure,”hesaid,goingforthebagthatwashangingoffmyshoulder.“It’sNewYork’strafficwhoshouldbeterrified,”hesaid,lookingatme.“Ofher.”
Lettingoutalaugh,Ishookmyhead.Thesetwowereridiculous,andtherewasnowayIwassurrenderingthebagtohim.
Lucasnarrowedhiseyes.
“Funny,”LinasaidfromthetrunkofAaron’scar.“Someone’seatenalittleclowntoday.”
LucasignoredLina’scommentandwentforthesuitcaserestingatmyfeet.
Idid,too,becauseIonlyhadanideawhatshemighthavemeant.Plus,IwastoobusypinningLucaswithanotherhardlook.Iloweredmyvoice.“Youshouldn’tbetakinganythingheavy.”
Heseemedreadytofightme,buthesaid,“You’reright.”
“Toldyou,I’malwaysright,”Imurmured,mylipstwitching.Then,Itookthehandlefromhim.“Gimme.”
“Nope,”heshotback,andpickedthebaganyways.“You’reright,butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mgoingtoletyoucarryallthisweightupthestairs.”Heshrugged,anditwasmyturntonarrowmyeyes,givinghimmymeanestface.“Thatlookisnotdeterringme,Rosie.”HecamecloseandaddedonlysoIcouldhearit,“It’sonlymakingmehard.”
Mylipsparted,andI…
Ihadn’texpectedhimtosaythat,butIlikedthathehad.Alot.Toomuch
Iwantedhishandsonmeagain,justlikeearliertoday,butthistimeIwantedmore.Thistime,Iwantedallofhim.
Lucas’seyeshooded.“Preciosa,don’tlookatmelikethat.You’reonlymakingitworse.”
Linaclearedherthroatloudly,andwhenIglancedather,hereyeshadturnedtothinslits.“Whatareyoutwowhisperingabout?”
“IwastellingRosiethatIwasgladwewerealive,”Lucaswasquicktoanswer,hisfacetellingmeacompletelydifferentstory.Then,heturnedtofacehiscousin,“Don’tyouagreewe’relucky,Ms.FastandtheFurious?”
“Ha,”Linashotback.“Hilarious.”
Withasigh,Iturnedtomybestfriend.“Here.”Iplacedmykeyinherpalm.“Yougofirst.We’llgettherest.”
Shockingly,Linadidn’tquestionme,justcalledforTacoandheadedforthestaircase.
IgrabbedthelightestbagIcouldfind—onewithapillow—andplaceditonLucas’sshoulder.ThenIretrievedthesuitcasehethoughthewastakingupstairs.“There.”Ipattedhischest.“Upyougo,Martínnumbertwo.”
Hegrabbedmywrist,awild,all-powerfulsensationfloodingmybodyunderhistouch.Ilookedupathim,theheavinessandlustdissipatingslightlywhenhislipspursedintothecutestpout.
Isnickered.“Don’tbeagrouch,”Itoldhim,tryingtokeepthetonelight.“Youcan’twinallthetime.Nowup.”
Hescoffed.“I’marayofsunshine.”Lucas’sgazetippeddowntothefingersthatwerearoundmyarm.Hemovedmyhandsoitlayagainsthischest,rightoverhisheart.“Ijust…wanttohelp.”
Hedidn’twantto;heneededto.AndIunderstoodthat.
So,Isplayedmyfingersoverhissweater,makingsurehefeltmytouchthroughthelayersofclothingthatseparatedmyhandfromhisskin.AndonlywhenheseemedasdistractedasIwasbythat,Itoldhim,“Yourbeingherewithme.That’sallIneedfromyou.”
Iwaslookingstraightathim,soitwasimpossibletomissthewayhisfacechangedwhenmywordsregistered.
Heprobablywantedtotalkaboutwhathadhappenedtoday,orlastnight,becausewehadn’tandwereally,reallyshouldhave.Butonceagain,thiswasn’tthetime,soIclearedmythroatandsaid,“Let’sgo.Linaisprobablywonderingwhat’stakingussolong.”
Withanod,heheadedup.
Alittleovertwohourslater,wehadallmystuffupandthebigmessthecontractorshadleftbehindwascleanedup.
“Iamdead,”Linagruntedfromherpostattheendofmycouch.“Thiswasworthatleastthreemonthsofexercise.”
IchuckledandLucasscoffedwithdisbelief.“Ithinktheseveralten-minutebreaksyoutooktosnackonPringlescancelouttheworkout,prima.”
“Whatatotalpartypooper.”Shethrewherhandsintheair.“You’reinsuchamoodtoday,Lucas.Ididn’tevenknowyoucoulddogrumpy.”Linawasn’tlying:Lucashadn’tbeenhisusualselftheselastfewhours.He’dbeensighingandgruntingandbarelysmilingatall.“Maybeyoushouldtakeanapwhenyougethome,sí?You’reactinglikeababythatneedssomesleep.”
“Isleptfinelastnight,”hesaid,hisgazefallingonmefromacrossthelivingroom.“Infact,sleepisthelastthinginmymindnow.”
Mypulserose,becauseIcouldseewhatwasflickeringinthosetwobrowneyesthatwereonme.Icouldfeelitonmyskin.
Linaclearedherthroat.
IrippedmygazeoffLucas,clappedmyhands.“Allright.Thankssomuchforhelpingout,guys,”Isaid,standingup.Taconudgedmylegwithhishead.Icrouchedandplantedabigkissonhim.“Andthankyou,too,forbeingthehandsomestofthemall.”
Lucasgrunted,andTacowentimmediatelytohim.Heseemedtorelaxslightly.
MygazeslidtotheloveseatwhereLinawassitting,andithitmethenthattherewasnoreasonforthemtohangaround.TherewasnoreasonforLucastostay.He’dreturntoLina’sstudio.Andsoon,he’dreturntoSpain,too.
Panicswirledinsideofme,makingmynextbreathalittleharder.
Iblurtedoutthefirstthingthatcrossedmymind.“Youguyswanttoeatsomething?ThefridgeisemptybutIcanorderpizza.”Iturnedtomybestfriend,becauseifIlookedatLucas,Imightdosomethingverystupid.Likejumpinhislapandbeghimnottoleave.“It’stheleastIcando.”
Linasighed,claspingherhandstogetherunderherchin.“IpromisedAaronI’dpickhimupfromInTechafterIwasdonehere.”Shestoodup.“AndI’lltakeanychanceIhavetogethimoutofthereearly.Becauseoneday,I’llhavetoriphisassoffthatofficechairbeforehefusestohislaptop.”
Inodded,debatingwhetherIshouldtellLucasthatifhewantedtostay,heshould.ThatIreallywantedhimto.
Butthen,Linaspokeagain.“Soweshouldreallygetgoing.I’lldropLucasoffbeforeheadingintoManhattan.It’sonmyway.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid,becausewhatelsecouldIsay?
Ididn’tevenknowifLucaswantedtostay,andhewasn’tsayinganything
Grabbingmyphonefromthecoffeetable,Icheckedthetime.“Okay,sure.Then,youshouldreallygoif—”
“I’mhungry,”Lucasofferedcasually.“Andthosepizzassoundlikeagoodidea.”
MyheadswiveledinhisdirectionsoquicklyIalmostgotdizzy.
Hemetmygazewithdetermination.
Linaspoke.“YoucancallAlessandro’sonourwayback.”Shepickeduphercoatandpurse.“He’llhaveyourorderreadybythetimeIdropyouoff.”
Lucas’seyesdidn’tleaveminewhenhesaid,“MaybeI’mhungrynow.”
Myheartratespedup,thepoor,hopefulorganclimbingupmythroat.
IheardLina’sexhale.
“YouarenotgoingtoeatinAaron’scar.He’llmurderyourass,andasgrumpyasyouaretoday,youreallyaremyfavoritecousin.”
IwatchedLucasbreatheveryslowlythroughhisnose,almostasifhewasgatheringstrength.Andforthefirsttimeever,Iwasshockedtoseehimsnap.
“Areyoualwaysthisoblivious,Lina?”
Ihadtostifleagasp.“Lucas.”
“SeewhatImean?”Mybestfriendnarrowedhereyesathercousinagain.“You’reinsuchamood,today.”
Lucas’seyesflutteredclosed,andhesaid,“Sorry.I’msorry.I—Soyungilipollas.”
“Yep,youare.Butapologyaccepted.”Linacametoastandbeforehim.“Andjustsoyouknow,I’mnotblind.I’veseenyoulimpingyourwayaroundthisapartment,andI’veseenRosiecheckingonyoueveryfiveminutes,too.”Thatmademyeyeswiden.“Ialsofeelthiscrazysexualenergythingaroundyoutwo.So,unlessyouwanttohaveaconversationrightnowaboutallofthosethings,I’mdrivingyouhome.Andifyoustopbeingajerk,ImightnotgrillyouwithquestionsaboutwhyAarongetsallquietwhenIbringyouup.Andtrustme,Ireallywantto,becausethisisthefirsttimemyhusbandissomehowkeepingasecretfromme,andwhileit’sadorablethathe’scoveringforyouinsomebro-way,itstillmakesmesadthatI’mbeingleftout.”
LucasstoodupandpulledLinaintoahug.“Soyunidiota,”hetoldher.“I’msorry.You’reright.Imightneedthatnap.”
MychesttightenedatLina’swords.I’dbeensuchanawfulfriendkeepingthisfromher.
“Youguysshouldgo,”Isaidsoftly,tryingtokeepmythoughtsfromcloggingmyvoice.“Imightpassonthepizzasandhitthebedanyway.I’mdeadonmyfeet.”
ThetwoMartínsbroketheembrace,andnextthingIknewIwasinmybestfriend’sarms.“I’mnotmad,”shesaidjustforme.“You’lltellmeeverything,Iknowthat.AndI’llbetherewhenyou’reready,okay?”
Astrangledsoundleftmythroat.“Okay.”
God,shereallywasthebest.
Whenshereleasedme,Lucaswasthere,asifhe’dbeenwaitinginlinetogethishug.AndI…Ugh.Icouldn’twaittothrowmyselfinhisarms.Inhiswarmth,hisscent,hisstrength.HewrappedhisarmsaroundmeandIfelthimdropasilentkissonthesideofmyhead,closetomyear.Then,hewhispered,“Buenasnoches,preciosa.”
Taconuzzledatmyfeet,awhimperleavinghim.
ButIdidn’tsayawordtoanyofthem.Anditwasprobablyforthebest.BecauseIwouldhaveprobablysaidsomethingstupid.Somethinglike“Stay.”
Stayforgood.
SoIlimitedmyselftowatchingLucas,Lina,andTacoleave,andafewminuteslater,Iwasalone.Again.JusthowI’dbeenbeforeLucashadslippedintomylifeandsomehowmadehimself…irreplaceable.
“Allright,”Isaidtomyemptyapartment.“I’monmyown.Andthat’sgood.It’sokay.”
Onlyitwasn’t.Notreally.
BecauseIalreadymissedhim,andthatwascrazy.Itwas…ridiculous.Outrageouslyso.Buttherewasthisbeating,breathingthinginsideofme,demandingtobeletout.
Andjustlikethat,itwasasifalightbulbhadlitupinmyhead.Onethatwaswiredtotheorganinthemiddleofmychest.Igrabbedmylaptopbag,pullingoutmycomputerandploppingbackdownonthecouch.IopenedmymanuscriptanddidtheonlythingIhadknownhowtodoonceuponatime.IwroteabouteverysinglethingIdidn’tknowhowto…handle.Howtoprocess.Everyfearinmyhead,everypowerfulemotionraginginmyheart,everyterrifyingquestion,andeverysuffocatingcertainty.Everyhope.AndIjustwrote.Ireleasedthemintomystory,soIwasabletountanglethemthebestwayIknew.Onpaper.
Hourslater,Iwaslyinginbed.Wideawake.
I’dsomehowmanagedtoworkuntilpastmidnight,andI’dthoughtthattheexhaustionfromthedayandtheproductivewritingsessionwouldknockmeout.Butnope.
Istaredatthedarkceilingofmybedroom.Stealingglancesatmyphone.Wishingitwouldlightupwithamessageoracall.WishingIwasbraveenoughtograbitandreachoutmyself.
Butthescreenremainedpitchblack.Thedevicesilent.
Iwasn’tdaringtodoanythingaboutit,andIwasdrivingmyselfcrazy.
Squeezingmyeyesclosed,Iletoutagroan.
Thereweresomanyunwrittenrulesabouthowwomenshouldbehavewithmentheywereinterestedin.Menthey’dkissedandwantedtokissagainandagainandagain.ButthiswasLucas.Thiswasme.Itdidn’tfeellikethoserulesshouldapplytous.
Ihadseenhimnaked,beautifullyimposingashestoodunderthestreamofwater,withhishandonhisdick.Hurtingforme.Vulnerable.Powerful.
Andbeforethat,Ihadkissedhimintherain,notcaringaboutanythingbuthislips,astheymovedaroundmine.
Ihaddancedwithhimtooursoundtrack,spinninginhisarmswhileIbathedinhislaughter.
Ihadcomfortedhimwhenhe’dhadnightmares,wishingIcouldtakethefearaway.
IhadlethimholdmyhandinhiswhenIneededsomeonetocomfortme.AndI’dletsomethingthathadstartedlikeanexperimentturnintosomethingreal.
Therulesdidn’tapply.
Iwasagrown-asswoman.Ididn’tneedareasontosendamessagetohim.Tomyfriend.Tooneofmybestfriends.TothemanIcouldn’tstopthinkingabout.
Istartedforthephone.“Fuckit—”
Andinthatexactmoment,thescreenlitup.
Heartinmythroat,Iscrambledforit,managingtotanglemylegsinthecomforterandflingingmyselftotheground.“Ouch!Dammit.”
Frommypositionsprawledonthecarpet,Istretchedanarmandgrabbedthedevicefromthenightstand,notbotheringtoreturntothebed.Itwasatext
Lucas:Imighthaveseparationanxiety.
Mylipsstretchedintothebiggest,mostridiculousgrinever,andmyfingersrushedtotypeananswer.
Rosie:Ithoughtonlypetsgotthat.
Lucas:You’reup.
Lucas:DidIwakeyou?
Rosie:Nope.Iwaswideawake.I’vebeenworkingforhours.
Lucas:Thatmakesmehappy.Howmanywords?
Rosie:Lots
Lucas:That’smygirl.
Lucas:Youmustbeexhausted,though.Ishouldletyougotosleep.
ThethrumminginmyribcagerosetomytemplesasIcameupwithanexcusetokeephimwithme.
Rosie:Don’tworry.MybrainisstillonsoIcan’tsleep.
Rosie:Youcould…keepmecompany?Maybe?
Rosie:UntilIfallasleep.
Lucas:Ohyeah?You’dlikethat?
Rosie:Yep.
Lucas:Well,you’reluckyI’manexcellententertainerandgreatcompany.
Lucas:Mostofthetime.
Rosie:Iknow.
Rosie:Allofthetime.Evenwhenyou’reagrouch.
Apictureappearedonmyscreen.Itwasaselfie,andhewasfrowning.Pouting.
Lucas:agrouchlikethis?
Lucas:IstillthinkIlookhandsome.Sexy,even.
Hedid.Healwaysdid.
Anothermessagecamein.
Lucas:wouldyouentertainme,too?
Lucas:sendmeapic.
Lucas:forthesakeofmyseparationanxiety
Lucas:I’mscaredI’llforgetyourface.
Rosie:areyou…flirtingwithme,LucasMartín?
Lucas:isitworking?
Withanervoussnicker,Isnappedaselfieandsentit.
Lucas:isthat…thefloor?Whyareyoulayingatthefootofthebed?
Oops.MyLucas-hazedbrainhadn’tthoughtofthat.
Anotherphotoofhimpoppeduponmyscreen.Itwastakenfromalongerdistance,asifhe’dstretchedhisarmtosnaptheshotsoIcouldseethathewaslyinginbed.Ontopofthecovers.Shirtless.Hisglorious,gloriouschestondisplay,histattoopeekingoutofacornerofthescreen.
Lucas:Thisishowbedsaremeanttobeused,Ro.Youlayontopofthem.
Rosie:thankyouforthelesson,professor.
Lucas:WhatcanIsay?I’mwellversedinthemanyusesofbeds.
Rosie:Oh?
Oh?
Really,Rosie?Oh?
Icouldhavedonemuch,muchbetter.Muchsexier.Butmybrainwas…scattered.
Lucas:don’tsoundsosurprised.
Iwaited,thinkingofhowtoanswer.Buthebeatme.
Lucas:haveyouforgottenthismorning?BecauseIhaven’t.
Lucas:it’sallI’vethoughtabout.
Lucas:well,notall.I’vethoughtaboutthatshowertoo.Aboutyoucomingsosweetly.
Istaredatthatwordonmyscreen,aheatedsensationpoolinglowandgatheringbetweenmylegs.Ijustdidn’tknowwhattosaytothat.
Mybrainscrambledforagoodanswer,forsomething,anything,Icouldsay.Thiswasgood,itwasjustsexting.AndIwasaromancewriter,I’dwrittensexscenes.Icouldbesexy.Icouldbedaring.Icouldsext.
Butnothingcametomind.Nothing.Onlyflashesofthatmorning,ofusinbed,underthecovers.OfthatshowerandLucasnaked,comingonmystomach.Whichhadbeenthehottest,mosteroticsexualexperienceofmylifeandI—
ImighthavespentalongtimethinkingbecauseLucastextedagain.
Lucas:Rosie?
Rosie:Stillhere.
Lucas:Sorry.I’manidiot.Iwasn’ttryingtohavephonesexortextsexwithyou,Ipromise.
Rosie:Youweren’t?
Lucas:No.
Well,thatwasdisappointing.Iwouldhavebeenallinforanyofthosetwooptions;Ijustneeded…alittlemoretime.
Lucas:IwastextingyoubecauseImissyoulikecrazy.Theapartmentistooquiet.Tooempty.EvenwithTacohere.Nothingfeelsright.Iwantyouback.
Mychestswelledtothepointofhurting.
Iwantyouback.
ThatwasexactlyhowIfeltinmyownhome.Thatwashowmuchhe’druinedme.Coulditbepossiblethatwewerefeelingtheexactsameway?
Rosie:Imissyou,too.
Andthen,becauseIclearlyhadnoself-preservationinstinctwhenitcametothisman,IsenthimthewordsIwantedhimtohear.ThetruththatIwantedhimtosee,thatIwantedtoscreamathimuntilmyvoicegrewraw.
Rosie:Iwantyoubacktoo,Lucas.Iwishyouwereherewithme.Inmybed.
Lucas:…
Lucas:Iwishyouhadn’ttoldmethat.
Rosie:Why?
Thethreepointsdancedonthescreenofmyphoneforafewseconds,andthendisappeared.
Remainingvery,verystill,Iwaitedforaminute.
Then,two.Three,five,ten,fifteen
Thirtyminutes.
Lucasdidn’tanswer.
Maybehe’d…fallenasleep.
Ormaybehe’dgottenhungryanddecidedtograbasnack.Knowinghim,thatinvolvedsomethingmoresophisticatedthanopeningabagofcerealandacartonofmilkevenatoneinthemorning.
Ormaybe…
“JesusChrist,”Isaidintotheemptyroom.“Listentoyourself,Rosie.”
Icursed,realizingthatnotonlywasIbeingridiculous,butIwasalsoonmyfeet,pacinginfrontofmybed,andabouttogivemyselfaheadache.
Theintercomdownstairsblaredthroughtheapartment,startlingmeandmakingmedropthephoneonthefloor.Thescreenlitupatmyfeet.
Lucas:It’sme.
Ileftthephonethere,notcaringaboutanythingbutthedoor.
Because…hewashere.
IrantotheentranceandwhenIbuzzedhiminandthrewmydooropen,mypantinghadnothingtodowithmysprint
ThehandsomestfaceI’deverseeninmylifeappearedinthehallwayafterafewseconds.AndthemanthathadsomehowbecomemyfavoritepersoninNewYorkCity—inthecountry,thewholeworld—madehiswaytome.
“Thisiswhy,”hesaid,smilinghisLucassmile.Theonethatwasbrightandhappyandhadthepowertosetaflockofbirdsfreeinmystomach.Tomakemyskintingleandeverynerveflutter.“So,Iwouldn’trunhere,uninvited,andshowuppastmidnightatyourdoor.That’swhyIwishedyouhadn’ttoldmeyoumissedme.”
Myheartsung.
“Yousaidyoumissedme,”herepeated,asifhewasstillprocessingmywords.
Andwithoutmeaningto,withoutknowinghow,Ithrewmyselfathim.Iwouldhaveclimbedhimuplikeatree,hadInotknownthathislegwasnotuptothetask.ButIstilltangledmyselfaroundhimasbestasIcould.Breathedhimin,welcomedhisscent,thetonedmusclesunderthelayersofclothesheworeagainstthechillyweatherofNewYork.Welcominghim
“Andit’sthebestthingI’veeversaid,”Itoldhim,thewordsspillingoutofmeandfallingonhischest.Closetohisheart,whereIwantedtoburrowmyself.Then,IsaidsomethingthatperhapsIshouldn’thave,butIwasn’tabletostopmyselfanymore.“I’llsayitagainifitmakesyoustay.I’llsayitahundredmilliontimes.”
Hisarmstightenedaroundme,thelongbreathheletoutwarmingtheskinofmyneck.
Andbecausehe’dcrackedmeopenandeverythingwascomingoutnow,Icontinued,“I’vemissedyousinceyousteppedoutofthisapartment,hoursago.AndIhadmissedyouforalongtimebeforethen,Lucas.”
Lucas’schestrumbledwithadeepgrowlthatrattledmewithanticipation,need,withwhateverthisthinggrowingbetweenuswas.
Then,hisarmswerearoundmywaist,andhewaswalkingusinside,thedoorclosingbehindus.Thenextsecond,Iwaspushedagainstit.
Lucasbracedhisarmsoneachsideofmyhead,cagingmeagainstthewoodensurface.
“Again,”hecommanded,meetingmygaze.“Nobodyhasevermissedmethatmuchorneededmelikethis.Sayitagain.”
Mymouthdriedatthelookonhisface.Atthewayhiseyesdarkened,andhisjawturnedintoasharpline.“I’vemissedyou,Lucas.Somuch.Please,staywithme.Staytonight.”
Staytonightandeverysinglenightafterthat
Hisrighthandcametocupmyface,thepadofhisindexfingertrailingacrossmycheek,tomybottomlip,swipingalongthelineofmymouth.“IfIstay…”Heclosedhiseyes,exhalingshakily.“I’veseenyoucomeapartbeforemyeyes,Rosie.AndIbarelyhadthechancetotouchyou.IfIstay,that’sgoingtochange.IfIstay,we’regoingtofuck.”
IshiveredatthethoughtofhowmuchIwantedhimtofollowthroughwiththatwarning.“Good.”
“Ineedyoutohearsomething,”hesaid,hisgazehardening.“Iamleavinginaweek,andIwasseriouswhenIsaidthatIcan’t—Mylifeisinshambles,Rosie.Ihavenothingtooffer.ButI…I’mselfishwhenitcomestoyou.I’llgiveyoumymouthifyouaskme.Mytouch,mybody.It’snotmuch,certainlylessthanwhatyoudeserve,butifyouwantthat,ifyouwantme—”
Ikissedhim.
Stoppinghiswords.
Ididn’tneedthem.Didn’tneedanythingbuthimrightnow.
AndIwouldhavetoldhimsoifhehadn’treturnedthekisswithanurgencythatrivaledmine.
SoIkissedhim.IkissedhimlikeIhadwantedtodoforsolong,finallylettinggoofeverythingthathadheldmebackuntilthismoment.Becausehewasleavingsoon,andperhaps,thiswasallIwouldeverhavefromhim,soIwasgoingtotakeit.
IpulledhimcloserwithakindofdesperationthatIhadneverknown,wantinghimagainstmeasheravishedmymouth.Lucas’sarmcamearoundmywaist,bringingmyhipsintohisandleavingmyshoulderstopressagainstthedoor.Awhimperleftmeatthecontact,andLucastookthechancetopartmylipsandbrushmytonguewithhis.
Myheadwasspinningwitheverysensationfloodingmybody,leavingmeunbalanced.Ipulledathiscoat,wantingthatextrabarriergone,buthewouldn’tbudge.
Acomplaintrosetomylipsashedraggedhismouthdownmyneckveryslowly,nippingatmyskinandturningthesoundintoaloudmoan.
Lucas’slipswentuptomyear.Hesaidagainstthesensitiveskin,“Thatsound.”
“Whichone?”Istruggledtoask.
Histeethgrazedthelobe,tuggedatit.
Myreactionwasimmediate.Anewwhimperclimbedupmythroat.
“Thatone,”hewhispered.“I’ddocrazythingsforthatsound,Rosie.”
“Whatthings?”Ibreathedout.ButallIwantedtosaywas,Please.Allthings.Now
Lucas’shipspushedagainstmineinresponse,punchingtheairoutofmylungsattheneedsurgingthroughmybody.Hard.Hewassohardandbig.“Thingslikefuckingyouagainstthisdoor,rightnow.”
Iwantedtoscreamathimtogoahead.
Butbeforeanywordscameout,hismouthwasretracingthepathbacktomine,leavingbehindatrailoftinglesthatspreaddownmyarms.Hislipsstoppedovermine.Notmakingcontact.
Notkissingme.
Whywasn’thekissingme?
Hisnosedraggedalongmine.“Iwassoclosetofuckingyouthisafternoon,”heconfessed,hisvoicedropping.“Takingyouonthefloorofthatbathroom.”
Iwhimpered,pullingathisclothesagain,buthewouldn’tmove.
Allhedidwastakemybottomlipbetweenhisteethandsay,“DoyouwanttohearwhatothercrazythingsI’mclosetodoingnow?”
“Yes.”
“Iwanttobringdowntheselittlepajamashortsyou’vebeendrivingmecrazywith,”hetoldmelow,solow,againstmymouth.“Pantiesoff,too.”Hislipsflickedalongmyjaw.“JustsoIcangetdeep,deepinsideofyouuntiltheonlythingyoufeelisme.”
Myeyelidsflutteredshutathiswords.
“Doit,”Ipleaded,hearingtheoutrageousneedinmyvoice.“Allofthat.Please.”
“No.”Hescrapedhisteethalongtheshellofmyearagain,makingmytoescurl.“Notnow.”Hiswordsfeltliketorture,takingawaythepossibility,theideaofhavingthisrightnow.OfhavinghimassoonandasfastasIcould.“DoyouknowwhatI’lldoinstead?”
Myeyesopenedjustintimetoseehislipspartinaslowgrin.Thiswasanewtypeofsmile.Itwasn’tthehappyandbrightcurlofhismouth;itwasdark.Sultry.Awarningandapromise.OnethatIwantedhimtokeep.
“Tonight,”hesaid,andIknewbeforehisnextwordsthattherewasnoturningback,thataftertonightIwouldneverbethesame,becauseIwasgettinghim,allofhim.“Tonight,I’mtakingyoutobed.Fuckingyoudeepandslow.AndIwon’tsettleforthatbeautifulwhimper.Tonight,I’mmakingyouscreammyname,Rosie.”
IfIthoughthehadcomeundoneatanypointbefore,Icouldn’thavebeenanymorewrong.
Becausethemomentthosewordslefthislips,Lucasunraveled.
Heliftedmeupagain,andbeforeIcouldcomplain,beforeIcouldreallythink,hewasguidingmylegsaroundhishipsashestalkedtomybedroom.
Myhearttoppled.Myneedstirred.AndnextthingIknewIwasbeingdroppedontopofmycomforter.
Hisheadtiltedveryslowly,andhiseyestrailedupanddownmybody,andGod,neverinmylifehadIbeenlookedatlikethat.Likehewasreadytoeatmealive.
Lipsparted,Iwatchedhimfinallyridhimselfofhiscoat.Then,hereachedforthehemofhishoodieandpulleditoffinonesmoothmotion.
Hehadn’tbeenwearinganythingunderneath.
AsoundofneedclimbedupmythroatbecauseImighthavealreadyseenhimnaked,Imighthavealreadyseentheindentsofhishipsandeveryleanmuscleflexed,butnotlikethis.Notevenintheshowerearliertoday.Notwiththatdarkglimtohiseyes,orthatknowingbendtohislips.
“Noshirt?”Iheardmyselfask.
Hischucklewassmooth,secretive.“IwasinarushwhenIlefttheapartment.Istilldon’tknowhowImanagedtoleaveAaronamessagesohe’dgetTaco.Hemusthatemerightnow,butIcan’tseemtocare.”
Mythroatdriedup,hisexpressionturningseriouswhenhesteppedclosertothebed.
Hestoppedrightbesidetheedge,thensaid,“Comehere.”
Withoutlosingasinglesecond,IgotonmykneesandcrawleduntilIwasrightinfrontofhim.
Lucaslookedatme,somethingbreaking,softening.Thebackofhisfingersbrushedmycheekandhesaid,“Allthispinkcoveringyourskin.Erespreciosa.”Heinchedcloser,hisfacetiltingdownsohecouldmeetmyeyes.“I’mdyingtoseehowlowitspreads.”
Sittingonmyknees,Istretchedmyarmsup.Givinghimeverygreenlightever.
Lucasdidn’thesitatetotakemyoffer,andhepulledmyshirtovermyhead.
Abrokenbreathlefthislipsashiseyesroamedupanddownmybody.Takinginmybarebreasts.
“Merobaselsentido,”hemurmured.“Youtakeawaymybreath.”
Ireachedforhim,placedmypalmsonhischestverygently,andthendraggedthemdown,memorizingthemapofwarmandtautskinunderthetipsofmyfingers.Committingitalltomemory.Andwhenmyhandsreachedthebandofhisjeans,Ileaneddown,grazingmylipsoverthecenterofhischest.Then,Ipressedthemabovehisheart.Next,Iwentoverhisribs,closetotheinkthatpaintedhisskinandwithoutthinkingaboutit,Iplacedanopen-mouthkissonthecrestofthewave,lettingmytonguetracethebeautifuldesign.
Lucas’sstomachflexed,strained,andIfelthimshudderundermytongue.
Ilookedupathim,theconfessionslippingout.“I’vewantedtodothiseversinceIsawitforthefirsttime.”
Agroanlefthislips,andnextthingIknew,hewaspullingmeupandtakingmymouthinhis.
Whenhebrokethekiss,herasped,“You’vebeenfantasizingaboutthis?Withme?”
Anod.“Everyday.Everynightbeforesleep.EverytimeI’veclosedmyeyes.”
Heexhaledroughly.“Whatelsehaveyouimagineddoingtome?”
Idraggedmyhandsalongthebandofhisjeans,thenletmythumbsdrawtheindentsinhiships,finallyreturningmyfingerstothebuttonandhearinghishiss.“Today,whenIcaughtyouintheshower,”Isaid,makingaworkofitandfeelingtheintenseheatcomingoffhim,“Iwisheditwasmyhand.Ormymouth.”
Lucas’shipsthrustedupwardinwhatIknewhadbeenareflex.
Ipeeredupathimandadded,“Iwishedyou’dbeencominginsideme.”
Hishandscametothesidesofmyface,hisfingerstanglinginmyhairasIbroughtthezipperdown.
IwrappedmyhandaroundhimthroughthestretchedfabricofhisblackboxersandLucashissedoutabreath.
“Youlikedseeingmestrokemyself,”hesaid,movingagainstmyhand.“Butyouwishedithadbeenyou.”
Inoddedmyhead.
Hisfingerstuggedatmyhairalittletighter.“Takemeoutandshowmehow.”
Ibroughthisboxersdown,lickingmylipsatthesightofhimspringingfree.Withoutthinkingaboutit,Iclosedmyhandaroundhislength,strokinghimupanddownveryslowly,wantingtogivehimpleasure.Tomakehimfeelgood.Betterthangood.
Lucas’schestgrumbledwithagrowl,hisbackarchingback.“Onemore,”hedemanded.“Harderthanthat,preciosa.Don’tbeshy.”
Iobeyed,givinghimonefirmstrokeandseeinghimswellinmyhand.
Anothergroanlefthim,thisoneloudandshort,andthatwasmylastwarningbeforeLucas’shandsleftmyhairandwenttomyshoulders,returningmetothemiddleofthebed.
“Nomoreplaying,”hesaid,hisarmslandingonthesidesofmyhead,andplacingahardkissonmylips.
Then,hismouthwastravelingdownmybody,andhisteethwerepullingatmysleepingshorts.Inabriskmotion,Iwasinnothingbutmyundies,andLucas’sheadwasrightabovethejunctureofmythighs.Hismouthfollowedtheseamoftheunderwear,histeethscrapingoverthefabric,andmybackarchedatthecontact.Myheadspinningoutintospace.
“Lucas,”Ibreathedout,almostcomingrightthenandthere.
Histonguegrazedmyclitovertheflimsyfabriccoveringme.Then,hemovedthepantiesaside,revealingallmywetnessanddippingintomyflesh.
“OhGod.”Imoaned.Andwhenhecontinued,Icouldonlyrepeatmywords.“OhGod.”
Ifelthishumfallonmyskin.“NotGod,”hesaid,beforeretracingmyopeningwithhistongue.“Lucas.”
Iwhimpered,andhishandsbroughtmykneesapart,hispalmsfallingdowntheinsideofmythighsandmakingsureIkeptthemopenashistonguedescendedagain.
“Sayit.”
Lettingoutagroan,Iliftedmyhips.
“ItoldyouIwanttohearmyname,loudandclear,”herepeated,thrustinginagain,andagain,andagain.“Sayit.”
Oneofhishandsmoved,histhumbstartingtorubcirclesaroundmyclit,andsendingmybodystraightintoafrenzy.“Lucas,”Igaspedbrokenly.
Lucas’stonguedidsomethingthen,somethingI’dneverexperiencedbeforeandjustlikethat,myarmswereflyingback,holdingontothefirstthingtheyfound,apillow.Myhipsthrustedintohismouth,urginghimtogofaster,deeper,andwhenhedid,mymouthparted,thecryreadytofalloffmylipsandjustlikeLucaspromised,Iscreamedhisname.
Thespasmsofmyorgasmsubsided,mybodylax,andhestraightenedonhisknees.Hegraspedhiscock,stilllookingatme.“Icouldcomerightnow,justtastingyouonmytongueandwatchingyoulikethis.”
BeforeIcouldprocesshowthosewordsseemedtobringmebackalive,hewasclimbingoffthebedandriddinghimselfofhisboxersandjeans.
Whenhesettledbetweenmylegsagain,helethiscockrestagainstme,andthecontact,himnaked,againstme,herewithme,knockedthebreathoutofme.
“Putitin,”IsaidsobreathlesslythatIbarelyrecognizedthewords.“I’monthepill.LasttimeIgottestedIwasokay,andIhaven’tbeenwithanyoneinalongtime.Yousaidyouhadn’t,either.”
Lucasshuddered,focusedonmyfaceasheledhisswollentiptomyentranceanddraggeditalongmyslit.“I’mclean,too.I’veneverfuckedwithoutacondom,Rosie.”
Heseemedlostinthought,thenhelookedatmewithsomethingnewinhiseyes,inhisface.SomethingthatIlovedandsomethingthatterrifiedme.
ThatwaswhyIsaid,“IknowwhatI’mdoing.IknowwhatI’mgetting.IwanteverythingIhaveinfrontofme.”Hisjawset,andImadesuretomeethisgazewhenIspoke.“Iwantyouinsideofme,Lucas.I’llhavewhateveryouhavetogiveme.”
Lucasgruntedatmywordsandwithoutbreakingeyecontact,heslidinsideofme.Onehardandfirmthrust.
Myeyesshut,pleasureshootingupanddownmybody,grippingmyspine.
“No,”hesaidinthatcommandingvoice.“Lookatme,Rosie.”
AndbecauseIwasathismercy,myeyesflutteredopen.Ilookedintohiseyesjustashegrabbedmythighsandthrustedagain,gettingevendeeper.“Howdoesthisfeel?HowdoIfeelinsideofyou?”
“Good,”Ianswered,movingagainsthim.“Sogood.”
“Good’snotenough.”Hedroveintomeagain,andIsawtinystarsbehindmyeyes.“Thisisnotagoodfuck.”
Ididn’tanswer,Icouldn’twhenhispacedidnothingbutincrease.SoIreachedforhim,bringinghimdown,fusingourmouths.
Hischestrumbledandhisthrustsgrewdeeper,pushingmeupthebed.Somuchthathehadtogripmywaist.
Hemovedtohisknees,makingmybackarchwiththechangeinposition,butIwantedhimevendeeper.Faster.Harder.Ijustwanted…him.Hisweight.Hisbody.All.Over.Me.
NextthingIknew,thosetwohandsthathadbeenaroundmywaist,pullingmetohim,flippedmeontomybelly.Mycheekrestedontopofthecovers,myhandsfistingthemasheslippedbackinsidemefrombehind.
“Ireadyoulikeyouweremyfavoritebook,Rosie.LikeI’vememorizedyou.”Heliftedmyhips,sowewerebothonourknees.“Isthisdeepenough?AmImorethanjustgoodnow?”
OhmyLord,hewas.
“I’mgoingtoerasefromyourmemoryeveryloserthathadyouanddidn’tdeserveyou.”Oneofhishandscamearoundthebaseofmythroat,notexertingdeliciousgentlepressurelikethisafternoon,butholdingmeinplace,andtheotheronereturnedtomybreast,allthewhilehishipskeepinghispace.Pushingmecloserandclosertotheedge.Makingmewhimperwithabandon.“That’sit.Now,alittlelouder.”
Iobeyed.
“Vamos,preciosa,”heraspedinmyear,ashemovedinandoutofmefrombehind.“Comeapart.Come,Rosie.Comeallovermeandtakemestraighttoheaven.”
Heletahanddroptomyclit,rubbingcircleswithhisfingersashekeptthrusting,fuckingmejustlikeI’dbeggedhim.“Lucas,I—”Inevergottofinishthat,becauseLucasdrovebrisklyintomeonemoretime,andIfeltthepulseofhiscockinsideofme,feltthegruntleavehislips,andIwentoffwithhim.Screaminghisnameonemoretime.Onelasttime.
Hisarmssnakedaroundmymiddle,keepingmeflushtohim,ashespenthimselfinsideofmeandIcontinuedcomingalloverhim.
Afterablissfulmoment,hebrushedakissonmyjaw.Then,withoutslippingoutofme,heguidedbothourbodiestothebeduntilwewerelyingonoursides.
Igrabbedontohisarms,becauseIreally,reallydidn’twanttoletgo.
Ahumleftmythroat,andhischucklewaseasy,happy.
SighingdeeplywithcontentmentIeventuallyturnedinhisarmsuntilIwasfacinghim.Istudiedhim,hissmile,thecreasesinthecornersofhiseyes,thelipsIalreadywantedtokissagain.
“Youokay?”
“Neverbeenbetter.”HismouthgrazedminewithasoftnessthatwouldhavebroughtmetomykneesifIhadn’tbeenlyingdown.“Butitshouldbemetheoneaskingthatquestion.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIwantto.”Heplacedakissonmynose.“Becauseyoudeservetobeasked.”
Hereallywasthebestman.
“But—”
Hestoppedmewithanotherkiss,thisoneonmylips.“Nexttime,I’llletyoufuckme.You’llridemewhileIwatchyoumoveoverme,”hesaidsosimply,somatter-of-factlythatitmademewanttorollhimonhisbackandmakehimkeephisword.
Butinstead,Iasked,“Nexttime?”
“Ifyou’llhaveme.”Hislipsfell.“Idon’tthinkIcanstayaway,Rosie.NotnowthatI’vetastedyou.NotnowthatI’vehadyou.NotwhenIhaveonlyaweektofeelyouhere,againstme.”
ThereweremanyquestionsIcouldhaveaskedrightatthatmoment.
Whathappensafteryouleave?
Whatarewedoing?
Doyoualsofeelthispowerful,beatingforcerightinthemiddleofyourchest?
Butabigpartofmedidn’twanttohearhisanswertoanyofthosequestions.Iwantedtoliveinthismoment,righthere,rightnow.Iwantedtohavethisonenexttimehewastalkingaboutandallthetimesafterthat.ForaslongasIhadhim.Evenifthatwasonlyaweek.Ididn’twantLucastohavetodefinewhatwewereorweren’tontopofhavingtodothatwithhimselfafterhe’dlostsomuch.
SoIsaidtheonlythingIcould.“Then,don’t.Don’tstayaway.”CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHTRosie
Therewereafewthingsthatcouldstirmeawakewithonlyawhiff.Numberonewasthesmellofsmoke,embeddedinmybrainsincethattimeMr.Browndecidedtomicrowaveawigatthreeinthemorning.No,Ineveraskedforthewholestory.Isimplytooktheexperienceasalifelessonandrolledwithit.
Numbertwo,however,wasafarmorepleasantwaytobewelcomedintotheday—ornight.Itwaspancakes.
Andthatwasthescentfillingmyapartment.
Mystomachgrumbledindeliciousanticipation.
AnticipationthatsoonmorphedintoadifferentkindofhungerwhenIpattedthebedandimmediatelyrememberedwhohadbeenfillingthatspacebesideme.Holdingmeallnight.Placingslowkissesonthebackofmyneck.Wrappinghimselfaroundmelikeheneverwantedtoletgo.
Lucas
Awaveofneedsurgedthroughme,settlingdeepinmybelly,andpushingmeoutofthebedlikeawomanonamission.IsnaggedthefirstpieceofclothingIfoundlyingaround—Lucas’shoodie—andslippediton.
Neverinmylifehadthedistancebetweenmybedroomandthekitchenseemedsolong.
WhenIfinallyreachedthethresholdofthekitchen,musicwasfillingthespace.ItwasasongI’dneverheardbefore,thatLucashadneverplayedbefore,buthadabrightandupbeatrhythm.
Mygazezeroedinonthemanatthestove,pinkspatulainhandandaprontiedaroundhistrimwaist.Hewasinhisboxers,shiftinghisweightfromsidetoside,inperfectsyncwiththemusic,doingalittleasswiggleeverycoupleofbeats.
And…Lord.Mypoor,puffyhearttrippedandthenswelledatthesightofhim,knowingwithabsolutecertaintythatIwassogoneforthisman,itwasn’tevenfunny.
ImusthaveletoutasoundofsomekindbecauseLucasturned.Hisbeautifulgrincaughtmecompletelyoffguard,andIthoughtImumbledsomethingstupidlike,“Hi.”
Hiseyesmetminewiththesamebigemotionhehadlookedatmewithlastnight,whenhe’dtoldmehewouldn’tstayaway,andsaid,“Buenosdías,BellaDurmiente.”
Lucas’sgazesweptupanddownmybody.Veryslowly.Andhissmilechanged.Itdidn’tfall,notexactly,butitturnedserious,focused,asitthoroughlyinspectedmylegs.
“IgrabbedthefirstthingIfound,”Isaidalittletoobreathlessly,wavingathishoodie.“Isthatok—”
“Yes,”herushedout.Hisvoicedeepandlow.“Pleasekeepit,wearitallthetime.”Heinhaledslowly,asifhehadneededtheextraoxygen.“Youknowwhat?Howaboutyoukeepallmyhoodies?T-shirts,pants,too.Keepeverything,Idon’tmind.Iratherseethemonyouthanonme.”
Mylipstwitched.“Butwhatwillyouwearthen?”
Henoddedhishead,stilldistracted.“We’llfigurethatoutlater.”
ThelaughterIhadbeenholdinginescapedmylipsandIsoundedlikeateenagerinsweet,stickylove.“Okay,deal,”Itoldhim,delightedtoholdthatkindofpoweroverhim.“Butonlyifyoukeepdancing.”
Imovedtooneofthechairsthatsataroundmykitchentable,takingitoutandploppingmyselfontoit.Ibracedmyelbowsonthetableandmychinonmyfists,waiting.
“I’mreadytowatchnow.”
Thesmirkthatcurledhismouthwasdelicious.“Yousawthat?”
Inodded.
“Youlikedit?”
Ipretendedtothink.“It’sa…nineoutoftenfromme.”
Heplacedthespatulaonthecounterandtookonestepinmydirection.“Andthis?”heaskedrepeatinghislastasswiggle.“What’stheverdictonthis?”Hishipsswayedlefttoright,matchingthenewsong’srhythm.
Imadeashowoutofinspectinghismovements.“Oh,thatgetsyoutoaninepointfive.Butprobablyonlybecauseyou’vebribedthejurybygivingmeallyourclothes.”
Heletoutadeepbellylaugh.“Youcallingmeout,Ro?”Hesteppedinmydirection.“MakingfunofmebecauseIgotalittledistractedseeingyouprancingaroundinmyclothes,lookingreadytoeat?”
“Itwascute,”Itoldhim,myheartbeat’sspeedincreasingashemovedcloser.“Socute.”
Lucasstoppedinfrontofme.Heleaneddownalittle.Hisarmreachedout,hishandgrabbingtheedgeofthechair,rightbelowthesideofmyass.Andthen,hepulledthechair—withmeonit—inhisdirection.Bringingmerightunderhim.
Hebracedahandonthebackofthechair,behindmyhead.
“Youscattermythoughts,Rosie,”hesaid,hismouthafewinchesabovemineasIlookedupathim.“There’llneverbeamomentwhenyoudon’tdistractmefromwhateverI’mthinkingordoing.”Hetrailedhisnosealongmine,hislipsbarelybrushingmine.“Youhavethatpoweroverme.”
Iexhaledshakily,wantinghimtoclosethedistance,totakemeinthischair.
Hebrushedakissonthecornerofmylips.“Iwantyousobadlyalready.Again,”hewhispered.Anditwasimpossiblenottonoticehisarmflexingbesidemyhead,holdinghimselfbackfromdoingwhatIdesperatelywantedhimtodo.“Onelook,Rosie.That’sallittakes.That’sallittook.”
Ikissedhiminresponse.BecausethatwasthebestkindofanswerIcouldevergivehim.Hegroaneddeepinhisthroat,hishandmovingtothebackofmyneck,tiltingmyheadfurther,anglingmesohecouldpartmylips.
Linkingmyarmsbehindhishead,hesomehowpulledmeup,bringingusbothtoastandingposition.Hisotherarmwrappedaroundmywaist,lettingmefeelhowhardhewas,howmuchIaffectedhim,howmuchhewantedme,justlikehe’dsaid.SoIgrabbedontohimeventighter,whimpering.Cursingthethickhoodiehangingoffmyshoulders.LettinghimfeelhowmuchIneededhim,too.
Lucasbrokethekiss,meetingmygazewithamillionthingsdancinginhiseyes.“Asgoodasyoufeel,”hesaidnonchalantly,likethatwasn’tsupposedtomakemeallthemoresoftandhot.“I’mnotlettingourbreakfastburn.Ihaven’tgottenoverthelossofthosepizzasyet.”
Myshouldersfell,andIletmyarmsfallbacktomysidesasInoddedandreadiedmyselftoreturntothechair,becauseifweweren’tgoingtokiss—ordoothersexythings—thenI’dsettleforacookingshow.ButLucasdidn’tletgoofmywaist,andinstead,heturnedmearoundandguidedustothestove.
Heassembledbehindme,andIfelthisbreathonmytemple.“Thatdidn’tmeanI’mgivingyouup,”hemurmuredinmyearasheplacedthespatulainmyhand.“First,breakfast.Then,we’llgopickupTaco.”
We.Us,together.
“Lucas?”Iaskedthrougharidiculouslybiggrin.“WillyouandTacostayhere?Withme?”
“Onlyifyou’llhaveus.”
“Yes,”Irushedout,andheplacedakissonmyhair.Heartsinging,Iglanceddownatthedarkbrownpancakethatsizzledonthepan.“Doyouthinkwecansavethisone?”
Hereachedforthebowlofbatter,stretchinganarmandputtinghisbicepsrightonmyface.Yummy.“Let’sdiscardthatoneandstartover.”
“Okay,chef.”
“Ah,”hesaid,throwingthealmost-charredpancakeaway.“Ilovewhenyoutalkdirtytome,Rosie.”
Aglassofwaterappearednexttomylaptop.
Well,itdidn’texactlypopoutofthinair.Inoticedithadbeenplacedthereatsomepoint.
ByLucas.
SinceFriday,wehadn’tleftmyapartment,atleastnotformorethanafewhourstopickupTacoandLucas’sthingsoncewebothacceptedthathewasn’tsleepinganywhereelsebutinmybed.Although,sayingthatweweresleepingwasabitofastretch.NotthatIwascomplaining,I’dprobablybehangingoffhimrightnowifIdidn’thavetowork.BecauseIwasstillonadeadlinethatwasalittlelessthanthreeweeksaway,andasgoodasmyprogresshadbeensinceLucasandmyexperimentbegan,Istillhadworktodo.Wordstowrite.
“Youcan’tsleeponitnow,Ro.You’resoclose,”LucashadinsistedwhenIsomuchassuggestedthatIcoulddedicatemoretimetobeingwithhim.
ButLucaswasright.IwassoveryclosethatIcouldalreadyfeelthebandatthefinishlinebreakingagainstmychestasIcrossedit.
SoeventhoughLucas’stimeinNewYork,inmyapartment,wascomingtoanend,Iworkedmorningsandafternoonswhileheloungedsomewhereinmyapartment,readingoneofthemanyromancebooksIowned,andmadesureIalwayshadsnacksandstayedhydrated.Wehadlunchanddinnertogether;wewalkedTacointheeveningstogetherandsnuggledonthesofaeverynight.Andwehadsex.Morethanjustgoodsex.Mind-blowingsex.Thebestsexofmylife.
Thefactthathewasleavingwasaconstantinthebackofmymind,likealowbuzzthatIcouldn’tignorebutcouldlearntolivewith.BecauseIcouldn’tletthatsourmytimewithhim.Iwouldn’t.So,foronceinmylife,Idecidednottoplan.Enjoythemoment.Enjoyhim.Ifthiswassupposedtolastaweek,aweekwasallI’dtake.I’ddealwiththeaftermathwhenIhadto.
“Rosie?”Alowvoicefellclosetomyear,returningmetothepresent.
DeliciousawarenesswasheddownovermeattherealizationthatLucaswasrightbehindme.
“Yeah?”Ianswered,relishinginthewayhisscentwrappedaroundme.
Hebracedbothhandsonmydesk,cagingmein.God,Ilovedwhenhedidthis.“Youspacedout,Ro.”
“Andhowcanyoupossiblyknowthat?”
Hisnosedraggedalongmycheek,makingmyskintingle.“Youwerestaringattheglassofwater.”Heletoutalowlaugh.“Foraverylongtime.”
“Iwasthinking.”
Heleanedovermealittlemore,restinghischinonmyshoulder.“Wereyouthinkingaboutme?Aboutus?”
Iblushed,myheartracingathowclosetothetruthhewas.“Maybe.”
“WasInaked?”heaskednext.
Ibitmylip.“Possibly.”
“Wereyounaked?”
“Definitely.”
Hehummed.“Ah,thosearemyfavoritekindofthoughts.”
Iturnedaroundveryquickly,placingakissonhislips,andreturningmyattentiontothelaptop.Tomymanuscript.
Lucasmusthavebeendazzledforamomentbecausehedidn’tsayasingleword.Hejust…seemedtoneedamomenttocatchhisbreath.
Ismiledtomyself.
“So,Rosie,”hefinallysaid,“whenareyougoingtoletmereadit?I’vebeencravingmoreeversinceIfinishedbookone.”
Ididn’teventrytoconcealhowhappythatmademe.“It’snotreadyyet.”
Ittookhimamomenttoanswer.“Howaboutjustataste?A…snippet.Ateaser.It’sTuesday,youoweittoyourfans,andI’myourbiggestone.HashtagTeamRosie.HashtagTeaserTuesday.HashtagFridayKiss.”
Myheadswiveledveryslowly.“Wheredidyoulearnthat?”
Hisgrinwasbigandproud,unashamedlybeautiful,justlikehim.“Ihavemyways.YoushouldknowhowgoodofaresearcherIambynow.”
“You’reactuallyright,”Itoldhim.Then,Iturnedaroundandsmiledtomyselfbecause,whoa,hadLucaslookedintothebookishphere?Forme?“I’msorryIunderestimatedyou,MatthewMcConaughey.Butnoteasersforyou.”
Nowayinhell.
Iwasextremelyproudofthisfirstdraft,butIdidn’tknowhowIfeltaboutLucasreadingitwhentherewassomuch…inspirationdrawnfromhim.Fromus.
“Notevenapeekintoaspicyscene?Icouldhelpbybringingsomemoreinspirationinthere.”
Deliciouswarmthfilledmybelly,butIshookmyhead.
“Okay.”Hesighed,butIknewitwasmoreforthetheatrics.“Howmanywordsaway,then?”
Mylipscurledup,unstoppable.“Notmany.”
Hisarmswrappedaroundmymiddlefrombehind,hisfaceburrowinginmyneck.“That’smygirl,”hesaid,myheartlosingitjustlikethefirsttimehe’deverutteredthosewords.“I’msoproudofyou,Ro.So,soproud.”Andforsomereason,hearingthatfromhim,thathewasproudofme,feltlikeI’daccomplishedsomethingbig.
Somethingamazing.
Somethingextraordinary.
Thatwashowmuchhemeanttome.“Allthankstoyou,”Ibreathedout,overwhelmedbymyownthoughts.“Toyourhelp.Ourexperiment.”
“Itwasallyou,preciosa.Ididn’twriteaword.Youdid.”
TonightwasLucas’slastnightinNewYork.IntheStates.Inmyapartment,mybed,mytimezone.Andwitheverypassingsecondthatpushedusclosertotomorrowmorning,mymoodplummetedtotheground.
Togetherwithmyheart.
Duringtheweekwe’dspenttogetherinmyapartmentweneverdiscussedwhatwouldcomenextafterheandTacojumpedonthatflightandreturnedtoSpain.Forgood.Ithadbeenasifnoneofushadwantedtobursttheblissfulbubblewehadslippedin.Andthatwasprobablyamistake.
Notprobably,itdefinitelywasone.
ButwhatwasIsupposedtosay?HowwouldIbroachthetopic?Hey,Lucas,Ihavefalleninlovewithyou.AndIknowyourlifeisinshambles,andIknowyouarestrugglingtocometotermswithwhatyou’velostandwhoyouarerightnow,butwhatarewe?
Thatwouldbesoselfish.
EventhinkingofburdeningLucaswiththatconversationmademesicktomystomach.AllIwantedwastoprotecthim,tomakeitallbetterforhim,toseehimfindhiswayandthriveinhisnewlife,andIknewthis—along-distancerelationshipwithsomeonehe’dmetahandfulofweeksago—wasn’tawaytomakeanyofthateasier.
Orwasit?
Ididn’tknowatthispoint.Anditmademesounbelievablysad.
Soyeah,mymood.Plummeting.
AndLucasnoticed.Ofcourse,hedid
Thatwaswhyhehadbeentryingtomakemesmileallevening.Hehadn’tevenheldbackinfrontofAaronandLinawhenwe’dmetthemforhisgoodbyedinner.He’dheldmyhand,touchedmyback,whisperedinmyear,andjust…actedlikethemanIwantedhimtobeforme.Likehewasmine.
Standinginthebathroom,infrontofthemirrorasIbrushedmyteeth,Icheckedmyphone.
IhadatrailofmessagesfromLina.Understandablyso.Sheknewtherewassomethingbetweenus,andIowedheranexplanation.Butthatcouldwaituntiltomorrow,Ihoped.Shecoulddealwiththefalloutofmybrokenheart,too,ifshewasn’ttoomadatme.Twobirdswithastone.
Lockingthedevice,IplaceditscreendownonthevanityandcontinuedstaringintoemptyspaceuntilIwasdoneandreadyforbed.
IwalkedbacktothebedroomandfoundLucaszippinguphisbackpack.Tacoathisfeet.Thesightmademewanttoscream.Itmademeangryatmyself,attimeforgoingbysofast,atfateforcrossingourpathsonlytotakehimawayfromme.
WhatwouldhesayifItookthatstupidbackpack,rantothewindow,andflungitout?
WhatwouldhesayifIaskedhimtostay?Hecouldn’tstaymorethanthreemonthswithoutavisa.ButIcouldhidehimandTaco.
WhatwouldhesayifItoldhimthatIdidn’tcareaboutwhateverhethoughthecouldorcouldn’tgiveme?I’dtakeit.I’dmovetoSpainmyself.I’d—
“Hey.”Lucas’svoicemademejump
Therewassomethinginhisfacethatlookedalotlike…pain.Concern.
HewalkedupwhereIwas,andhisarmscameinstinctivelyaroundmywaist.
“Whatareyouthinking?”heaskedme.
“Honestly?”
Henodded.
“Iwasconsideringhowpissedoffyou’dbeifIthrewyourbackpackoutthewindow.”
Heletoutalaugh,andnoteventhatliftedmymood.“Doyouwantanhonestanswer,too?”
“Always.”
“Iwouldn’tbeallthatmadaboutit.”Hishandscametocupmyface.Hetiltedmyfaceupandlookedrightintomyeyes.“Idon’tthinkIcouldeverbeangryatyou,Rosie.Notreally.”
Ifrownedandsaidthroughmypout,“Why?”
“Becauseeverythingyoudoisforareason.”Histhumbtraveledalongmylowerlip,erasingthatpoutoutofmyface.“So,ifyouthrewallmythingsout,I’dknowitwasn’tirrational.I’dgrabmycoatwithasmileandgosalvagewhateverwasleft.”
AkindofpressureIknewverywellrushedfrommychesttomyface,buildingupbehindmyeyelids.“Seemsprettyirrationaltome.”
“Maybe,”headmitted.“Butitwouldn’tmatterbecauseI’dknowwhatitmeant.Whyyoudidit.Andthat’sagoodenoughreasontosmile.”
Iexhaled,theburstofairleavingmymouthforcefully.“Well,I’mhappyyou’rehappy.”
Lucas’schucklewaslow,anditmademescoff.
“Doyoufindthisentertaining?”TakingastepbackItriedtocrossmyarmsovermychestbutthenLucasleaneddown,brushinghismouthovermylipsandkillingmyintentionofgoinganywherethatwasn’tstraightbackintohisarms.
Hiskisswasslowandsoft,anditmademewanttocry.
Whenwecameupforair,Istruggledtomakemyvocalcordsfunction.“Lucas?”
“Yeah?”heanswered,thebrowninhiseyessimmeringwithagravitythathadn’tbeentherebefore.
“Idon’tthinkIcansaygoodbyetoyou.”Becauseitwasn’tjustaboutsayinggoodbye.Itwasaboutseeinghimslipoutofmylifewithoutbeingabletodoanythingaboutit.Itwasabouthowunfairitwasthattiminghadn’tbeenonourside.ItwasabouthowmuchIwantedhimnottogo.“I…don’tthinkIcangowithyoutotheairportandwatchyouleave.I—”Iclosedmyeyes.Shookmyhead.“Ican’t,Lucas.Ijust—”
Ifelthismouthonmyforehead,hislipspressingonmyskinforalongmoment.
“It’sokay,Ro,”hetoldmeinawhisper.“Youdon’thavetocome.Iunderstand.”
Ididn’twanthimtounderstand,though.
Iwantedhimtofightme.TomakemesaythewordsIhadn’tyetutteredoutloudbecauseheneededthem.Totellmethathewouldn’tleave,orthatwewouldn’tbecomenothingbutamemory.Totellmethatasmuchashehadn’tfiguredouthisnewlife,hewantedmeinit.Neededme.
ButIcouldn’tmakehimsaythosethings.AndI’dunderstandifhedidn’t.
Itbrokemyheart,butIwouldn’tmakehimputmyheartbeforehimself.“Okay,”Ibreathedout.AndwhenIopenedmyeyes,Iwasn’treadytoseewhatwasstaringbackatme.
TherewasanemotionfloodingLucas’sface,hiseyes,thewayhisfeatureswerearrangedrightthismoment.AsifhewasinfarmorepainthanIwas.Asifhecouldn’tbearthethoughtofleaving.Asifhelovedme.
Withoutaword,heclaspedmyhandandpulledmetowardthebed.
Andwithoutaword,Iwent.
Heguidedmeontomybackandbracedhishandsoneachsideofmyhead.
Hisgazemetmine,andIsworehewaslookingatmewiththisemotionIdidn’twanttoacknowledgeoutloud.Thatpowerful,all-consumingemotionthatmirroredmine.
“Whatdoyouneed?”hesaid,placingakissonthecornerofmymouth.“I’llgiveittoyou,Rosie.”
Theanswerwassosimple,soobvious,thatIdidn’tevenunderstandwhyheasked.
Igrabbedontohimalmostdesperately,andtoldhim,“You.”
BecauseitwasonlyhimIneeded.CHAPTERTWENTY-NINELucas
Irestedmyelbowsonmykneesandletmyheadfallbetweenmyshoulders.Closingmyeyes,ItoldmyselfforthehundredthtimethatI’ddonetherightthing
TheonlythingIcouldhavedone.
Rosiewasn’ttheonlyonestrugglingwiththeideaofsayinggoodbye.Iwas,too.I…didn’tthinkIcouldhavegonethroughitifIhadn’tleftthewayIdid.
Isnuckoutwhileshewasstillasleep.
Iwasacoward.
Butitwasaboutsurvival.
Icouldn’tgiveherwhatshedeserved.Iwas…amanwithnoplan.Nolife.Nopurpose.Sinoficionibeneficio,likeAbuelawouldsay.
AndifIhadstayedonemoreminuteinthatbedwithherallsoftandwarmandwonderfulagainstme,Iwouldhaveneverleftherside.Iwouldhaveonlydelayedwhatwastocome:herfindingsomeoneelsethatcouldgiveherallthethingsshewantedanddeserved.Everythingwe’dhad,andstability.Someonethathadgoddamnplan,afuture.Someonewhohadhisshittogether.
Ididn’twantRosietosettleforme.AndIwouldn’tletmyselfuseher,useus,toignorereality.
Eyeingthecounteragain,Ifinallysawmydestinationdisplayedonthescreenaboveitindicatingthatitwasopenforcheck-in.
“Fuckingfinally,”Imutteredundermybreath,evenwhenIknewthatthiswasonmeforshowingupattheairporthoursearly.
InsteadofenjoyingthattimewithRosie
Withasighthatwasn’tofrelief,Istoodup,grabbedmybackpackfromthefloor,andcalledforTaco,“Vamos,chico.”ThenIheadedtothequeuebeforeitgottoolong.
CheckingmyphoneasIstoodthere,Ifiredatexttomysister,whohadarrivedinSpainfromBostonyesterday.Withthetimedifference,IknewithadtobearoundlunchtimeinSpain.
Lucas:Attheairport.Willyoupickusup?
Lucas:Canwestayatyourplacetonight?
Charo:first,Ibabysityourdog.Now,thetwoofyou?
Irolledmyeyes;shewasjustbeingdifficultbydefault.Iknewmybigsister.
Charo:Abuelaisstayingheretoo,sheplantedherselfheretoday.Sowe’llgopickyouup.I’llbringsandwichestotheairport;Iknowflyinggetsyouhungry.Jamónorchorizo?
Lucas:Jamón.
Charo:Howaboutpleaseandthankyou?
Lucas:Please.Thanks.
Lucas:AndwhyisAbuelawithyou?
Charo:Rude.Ihopeyougotheragift.Mamá,too.
Lucas:oh.
Ahmierda.Ihadn’tthoughtofgettinganythingforanyone.NoteventheEmpireStateBuildingkeyringMamáhadaskedfor.
Charo:oh?That’sallyougot?
Lucas:whatdoyoumean?
Charo:firstyousaypleaseandthankyouwithoutbeingsnarkyaboutit.Then,youdon’teventrytosellmesomethinglike“I’mbringingmyself,I’mthegift.”Orlikebeingyourusual…charm-man.
Lucas:I’msorry.
Charo:…Nowyou’reapologizing?
Charo:areyouokay?
Thatwasaloadedquestion.HowIwas,wassomethingIdidn’thavetheenergytodissectmyself,muchlessviatextwithCharo.Istartedtypingananswer.
Lucas:I’mokay.Justtired,we’lltalkwhenIgetthereokay?Iwilllandat—
“Lucas!”
Myheadliftedoffmyscreen,myeyebrowsknittingbecausethatcouldn’tbethevoiceIthoughtitwas.Hervoice.Shecouldn’t—
“Lucas!Wait!”
Iturnedaround.
Myeyesscannedthecrowdbehindme,jumpingfromheadtohead,fromfacetoface,untilsettlingonone.Justone.TheonefaceIcouldnevermiss.Noteveninapackedairportterminal.
Andthen,everythingsloweddown.
AsifIwasstarringinadream,Rosiepartedtheseaofbusypeople.Herhairwasabeautifulmessofcurls,hereyesburninggreen,hercheeksflushed,andthosefulllipsI’dmemorizedparted.Shewaswearingtheshort-sleevedshirtshehadbeensleepingin—myshirt—thefronttuckedintoherjeansand…God,whydidn’tshehaveagoddamncoaton?ItwasNovemberandfreezingoutside.
“Lucas!”Rosierepeated.SheclosedthedistancewhileIstoodtherelikeastatue.Likeatotaldumbass,watchingherruntowardme,andhearingTacobarkexcitedly.“OhmyGod,you’restillhere.ThankGod.”
Thelastthreestepsshetookfeltlikeahaze.Likeshewasn’treal,andthiscouldn’tbehappening.I’dhavetobeimaginingit.
“Rosie?”
Butinsteadofanswering,shethrewherselfatme,landingonmychest,anditwasasifthegroundbeneathmyfeethadfinallysettled.Everythingaroundmedisappeared.
Iwrappedmyselfaroundher,breathedherin,rejoicedinhavingherinmyarms,beingabletodoallthosethingsI’dregrettednotdoingonelasttime
Shelookedup,meetingmygazewiththoseeyesI’dneverforget.
Unabletostopmyself,Ileaneddownandkissedher.Simplycontenttogetonemorekissfromherlips.
WhenIcameupforair,Imovedusoutoftheline,notgivingadamnifIlostmyspot.Ilookedintoherface.“Rosie,whatareyoudoinghere?”
SheshiveredinanswerandItookoffmycoatandplaceditaroundhershoulders.Herheadshookbutshedidn’tcomplain.Good.Iwantedherwarm.Safe.
“I…”shetrailedoff,takingonestepback.“Icouldn’tdoit,Lucas.”
Ididn’tlikethespacebetweenus,butIhadthefeelingsheneededit.
“Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttodogoodbyes,”Itoldher.“That’swhyIleft.”
Liar,itwasyouwhocouldn’tbearthethoughtofsayinggoodbyetoher.
“Andyou’reright.”Herthroatbobbed.“Ican’t.Ican’tsaygoodbyetoyou,Lucas.That’swhyI’mhere.”
Ifrowned,feelingtherewasmore.Somethingelse.
Shepulledoutherphonefromthebackofherjeans.Unlockeditandlookedforsomething.“Here,”shesaidshowingthescreentome.
Itwasaphoto.AselfieofmeandTacoonabeach.Anoldone.Fromwaybeforetheaccidentandbeforewe’devermet.I—
“Here,”sherepeated.“I’vebeenkeepingthisonmyphoneeversinceyouposteditonyourInstagram.”Thepaceofherbreathingincreased,theairleavinghermouthinbiggulps.“I…sortoffollowedyou,Lucas,withoutactuallyfollowingyou.Icheckedfornewpostseveryday,wenttobedthinkingofthem,ofyou,ofyourface,ofTaco,too.”
Myownchestmimickedhers,oxygensuddenlystrugglingtoenterandexitmylungs.
“Formonths,”sheadded.“Then,youdidn’tcometoLinaandAaron’swedding,andIwasheartbrokenovermissingthechancetomeetyouinperson.Devastated.ButItoldmyselfIwasbeingstupid,thatitwasjustasillyonlinecrush.”Sheshookherhead.“ButIwasfoolingmyself.I…neverstoppedthinkingofyou,Lucas.”
Mymouthopenedandclosed,butnothingcameout.Ijust…Whatwastheretosay?Iwastryingtoprocesseverythingshewastellingme.Howfuckinggooditmademefeel.Howmychestandheadweregrowingacouplesizestoobig.
“DoyouthinkI’maweirdo?Astalker?”Rosiewhispered.“Becauseifyouthinkthatofmenow,youhavetotellmebeforeI—”
“No,”Ifinallyrushedtosay.“No.God,no.”Iclaspedhercheeks,mythumbscaressingthem.“I’mflattered,Rosie.I’m…I’dneverthinkyou’reweird.Ilovethatyoulikedwhatyousaw.Ilovethatyouwantedme.”Ikissedherforehead.“Ifanything,I’mflattered,preciosa.”
“Okay,”shemurmured.“That’sgood.That’sreallygood.”
“Iwasn’tlying,Rosie.”Itiltedherheadbackwithmyhands,makingsureshewaslookingatme.“EverythingIsaidonthatrooftopaboutus,ifwe’dmetatthewedding,wastrue.Doyouunderstand?”
Hergazefilledwithsomething.Somethingthatmademeshortofbreath.Somethingthatresembledthewayshehadlookedatmethatnight,secondsbeforeaskingmetokissher.
“Lucas,”shesaid,staringintomyeyes.“I’mgladyousaythat.BecauseI…”Hereyelidsflutteredclosedverybriefly,thenopenedagain.“Thisismygrandgesture.”
Myheartthrummedrecklesslyinmyribcage.
“I’vetoldmyselfahundredtimesthatIshouldn’tdothis,butIcan’tnotdoit,”shesaid,lookingatmewithamilliondifferentthingsdancinginherbeautifuleyes.“Staywithme,Lucas.Bewithme.Iwantyou.I’vewantedyouforalongtime.Iknowthatyoucan’tstayinthecountrywithoutavisa,thatyousqueezedthattimetothelastsecond.So,I’llcomewithyou.I’llgetmyselfaticketrightnow,I—”Sheshookherhead.“Ihaven’tpackedorhaveanythingwithmerightnowbutthatdoesn’tmatter.I’llbuywhatIneedinSpain.YouareallIneed,Lucas.Iwantyou.Iwanttogoondatesthatarenotexperimental.Iwanttokissyouundertherainahundredtimesmore.Iwanttodancewithyouinthekitcheneverymorning.IwanttobringyouaboxofCronutswhenIwanttosaythankyou.Andnotbecausewe’refriends.”
Myhearthadhaltedinmychest.
Mylungsstoppedfunctioningandnoairgotinorout.
Myhandsfelltomysides.
AndI…Ididn’tknowhowIwasstillstanding.
Then,Rosiewentforthefinalblow.“Butbecausewe’remore.Becausewe’reeverything.Andwecandothathere,orinSpain.”
Iblinked,everythinginsideofmebreaking.
Shatteringwithabigloudbang.
Rosiemusthavefeltit,too,becauseherfacefell.Shetookastepback.
“Rosie,”Isomehowrasped,thewordbarelycomingout.Ireachedforherface,butsheshookherhead.Becausesheknew;Ididn’tneedtotellher.Shecouldreadme.“Youcan’tleaveyourlifebehindandfollowme.I—”
Shetookanotherstepback,merelyafewinchesthistime,butitwasenoughformybloodtodrainfrommyface.
Ineededtoholdher.I…justcouldn’tbearseeingherhurtandknowingIwastheoneresponsible.
“Rosie,preciosa,”Ireachedforheragain.Butsheshookherhead.Somethinglodgedinmychest,cuttingtheair.“Rosie…I…”
Icouldn’tmakethewordsform,climbtomymouth,andleavemylips.Everythinginmestuttered,watchingthisbeautifulwomanbeshreddedtopieces.Byme.
BywhatIcouldn’tbringmyselftosayoutloud.Togiveher.
“It’sokay,”shewhispered.Butitwasn’t.“It’sokay.Thatwasveryselfishofme,reckless.Iputyouinahardspot.”Herthroatbobbed.“Iknewthelastthingyouneededrightnowwasthis.Yousaidsoyourself,thatyouwerenotinthemarketforarelationship,right?Thatyoudidn’tdate.Ijustthought…Ithoughtmaybethathad…changed.Becauseofme.”
“Rosie,”Isaid,hernameagain,andforthefirsttime,itfeltwrongrollingoffmytongue,likeIhadnorighttoutterthosefiveletterstogetheranymore.LikeI’dlostthatthemomentI’dhesitated.“I…”Wantto.There’snothingIwantmorethanyou,Iwantedtotellher.“Ican’t.”
Ican’tmakeyoudothis.Ican’tletyouuprootyourlifeforme.NotwhennothingiswaitinginSpainforme.
Butthewordswouldn’tcomeout,paralyzinganxiety,fear,floodingme.
Onesingletearslippeddownhercheekanditkilledsomethinginsideofme.Itsmotheredalight,bringingonlydarkness.
Imanagedtostepforward,openedmymouthtobeghernottocry,butshestoppedmewithahand.“IknewwhatIwasdoing.Iwashappytohavethisoneweekwithyou,evenifitwasthelast.SoIdon’tregretyou,LucasMartín.Idon’tregretdoingwhatIjustdid,either.”Herarmdropped,comingaroundhermiddle.“IjustreallywishyouwantedmeasmuchasIwantyou.”
ButIdo.
Iwantyouwitheverycellinmybody.Everynerveending.Everybone.EveryounceofwhoIam.
“Haveasafeflight,Lucas,”shewhispered.
Then,sheturnedaround,andevenwhenTacowhimperedandnudgedmylegmaniacally,Istilldidn’tmove.Iremainedrootedinplace,gaspingforair,andwatchingherwalkawaywithmyjackethangingoffhershoulders.CHAPTERTHIRTYRosie
Istaredatthewallofmydad’sguestbedroom.
Withasigh,Ibracedmyselfforanewwaveoftears,butitdidn’tcome.
Imusthaveemptiedmytankbynow—which,allthingsconsidered,wasonlynaturalwhenonecriedforhours.Tomycredit,I’dhelditallinonmywayoutoftheairport.Ihadn’tshedonetearonmywaybacktothecityorinthetraintoPhilly,either.NotevenwhenIrealizedthatIstillhadLucas’sbomberjacketwrappedaroundme,hisscentsurroundingme.
OnlywhenIclimbedthestepstoDad’sdoordidmyeyesstartburning,readyingmeforwhatwastocome.AndjustasDadopeneditIfinallybrokedown.
Hepulledmetohimlikethehundredsoftimeshe’ddonewhenIwasakidandIjustwept.Iletitallout.
IstillhadnoideawhyI’dgonetohim,allthewaytoPhiladelphia;I’dneverdonethisasanadultbefore.Notonce.EverytimeI’dbeendumped,ormyrelationshiphadgonesidewaysI’dalwayscalledLina,downedapintoficecream,feltbadformyselfforacoupleofdays,andmovedon.
Butthisdidn’tfeellikeanyofthosetimes.Itfeltlikesomeonehadpulledmeapart.Disassembledmeandleftallthepartsscatteredaround.Toodispersedformetoattempttopieceanythingbacktogether.
Andafterstaringatthiswallforthelongesttime,IhadrealizedthatnoneofwhatI’dexperienceduptothisdayhadbeenheartbreak.
Thiswasheartbreak.
SoIguessedthatwaswhyI’dcomehere.TotheplacethatwouldprovidethetypeofcomfortIhadn’tneededinyears.Mydad’s
BythetimeI’drunoutoftears,I’dopenedadifferentkindofgate.TheonethathadbeenkeepinginallthethingsIhadn’ttoldDadandOlly.SoItoldthemaboutwritingthatfirstbook,aboutthewayI’dfeltwhenthatdoorhadsomehowopenedformeandI’dfelthappy,blessed,completeinawayIhadn’tbefore.Itoldthemaboutquittingmyjobandhidingitfromthem,aboutlying,becauseI’dbeenterrified,paralyzedbythepressureI’dputonmyself.Thestakes.Thepossibilityofthemnotunderstandinghowimportantthisdreamwasforme.Andtheyhadlistened.Justlikeasmallpartofme,theonethathadn’tbeenriddenwithfearandinsecurities,knewtheywould.
“Bean,”DadsaidwhenI’dfinished.“Whywouldyoueverthinkyouhadtokeepthisfromme?”
Ihiccuppedandtoldhim,“Iwasterrifiedyou’dbedisappointedinme.Scaredforme,whenIwasplentyscaredforthebothofus.I…didn’twanttohearthattheoneleapoffaithI’devertakenwasamistake.Ididn’tthinkyou’dunderstand.Ithoughtthatperhapsyou’djudgeme.Idon’tknow.”
“Ofcourse,I’mscared,”Dadhadanswered.“I’mterrifiedforyou.Iwillalwaysbe,Bean.Butthat’spartoflovingsomeone.Youwantthemtothrive,tosucceed,toaccomplishanydreamtheyreachfor,butyoualsowanttoprotectthem.Tosoftenanyblowthatmightcome.ButI’dneverbedisappointedinyou.”Hehadpausedandthenadded,“AndI’llalwaysmakeanefforttounderstand,Bean.”
Ihuggedhimtightly.“Evenifyou’veneverreadaromancebook?”
“There’safirsttimeforeverything.Andwhocareswhatanoldmanlikemethinks?Whocareswhatanyonethinks?”He’dsighed.“Youshouldn’thavekeptthisfromme.”
AndIreally,reallyshouldn’thave
Ishouldn’thavekeptfromLucashowIreallyfeltabouthim,either.ThatIlovedhim.Evenifthatwouldn’thavechangedasinglething.
Lifewastooshort,toobrittle,tokeepsecretsandliveinhalf-truths.Evenwhenwethoughtthatwewereprotectingthoseweloved.Orprotectingourselves.Ourhearts.Becausetherealitywasthatwithouthonesty,withouttruth,weneverlivedfully.
AndIwasstartingtounderstandjusthowmuch.
“Andnowaboutthisboy…”Dadhadsaidafterthat,remindingmeofatimewheneverythingwasfarsimpler,becauseI’djustbeenBeanandDadhadbeenabletofixeverythingwithaplateofwafflesfordinner.
ButIwasn’takidanymore,andLucaswasn’taboywhosenameI’dscribbledinmydiary.
LucaswasthemanI’dfalleninlovewith.ThemanI’dchasedthroughanairportinanattempttobecomemyownromanceheroine.Only,inthisstory,theherohadtakenflightandleftmeonlandwithabrokenheart.
Aknockstartledme,makingmygazeswaytothedoor.
“Rosie,cari?o,”Linasaid,lookingatmeinthatwayonlyyourbestfriendwould.Liketheywerereadytokillwhoeverhurtyoubutalsosmackyouuptheheadifyoupulledoffsomethingstupid.“Yourdadcalledme.Andwow,Joewasn’tlying.Youlooklikeshit.”
Ididn’tknowifitwasthelookonherface,orthefactthatIhadbeenneedingmybestfriendandIhadkeptherawaybecauseofmyownstupidity,butIburstintotearsagain.
Linarushedtothebed,andbeforeIknewwhatwashappening,herarmswerearoundme.
ShewaitedwhileIletitallout,again,justlikeIhaddonewithDad,onlythiswasdifferent.BecausethiswasLina,andtherewasnooneintheworldwhounderstoodmebetterthanshedid.
Afterawhile,welayonoursides,herbodystretchedbesidemine,andItoldhereverything.LikeIshouldhavedonewhenIrealizedIwasfallinginlovewithhercousin.WhenIfinished,Linaremainedquiet,understandingacrossherface.
“I’msosorry,Lina,”Imurmured,myvoicescratchyandroughfromallthetalkingandcrying.“Ididn’tmeantokeepthisfromyou.Notforthislongbutitallhappenedso…fast.”
Shereachedoutformyhandandclaspeditinhers.“Igetit,youknow?”sheadmittedwithashrug.“Imighthavebeenalittle…hardontheideaofthetwoofyoutogether.Andthatwasn’tfairtoyouorLucas.”
“Iguessitdoesn’tmatteranymore.”
“Itdoes,Rosie.You’remybestfriendandIloveyou.”Shegrabbedmyhand.“Soofcourseitmatters.Also…it’sreallyhardtobemadatyouwhenyou’recrying.Itwouldbelikekickingacutebutverysadpuppy.”
ThatonlymanagedtoremindmeofTaco,ofLucas.
Isighed.“I’mthefurthestthingfromcuterightnow,andwebothknowthat.”
Herheadtilted.“Yeah,you’reright.You’vealwaysbeenanuglycrier.ButIstillloveyou.”
Thatdidn’tpullalaughoutofme,butIfeltalittle…lighter.Onlybecause,ifanything,Istillhadmybestfriend.That’dneverchange.NotevenafterIhadkeptsomethinglikethisfromher.
Linahummed.“CanIaskyousomething?”
Inodded.
“Whydidyouthinkitwouldwork?”shesaid,herexpressionturningserious.“Whydidyouthinkthatthis…datingexperimentwouldleadtoanythingotherthanthis?”
Thatwasaverygoodquestion,Iguessed.“Iwasdesperate,Lina.QuittingInTechtowritehadsomehow…increasedthepressureIputonmyself,somuchthatIfeltsuckedunderacurrent.DraggeddownbysomethingIcouldn’tcontrol.Thehigherthestakes,themoreblockedIbecame.So,whenLucasoffered”—mybreathhitchedatthememoryofhissmile—“Iwantedtosayyes.Becauseitwashim,butalsobecauseIwantedittowork.MaybesomehowIknewthathe’dmanagetomakeitwork.”
AndIguessedapartofmealwaysknewthataslongasitwashim…I’dbeinspired.I’dfallinlove.
“Soevenaftermyownfirsthandexperiencewithfakingloveanddatesandsuch,”shesaid,“youstillthoughtplayingcharadeswithsomeoneyoumightlikewouldn’tconfuseyourfeelings.”
“They’renotconfused,Lina.”
Herbrowswrinkled.
Andbeforesheasked,Isaidit,becausewhatwasthepointinkeepinganythingelsefromher?
“Ilovehim,Lina.I’minlovewithLucas.There’snothinguncertainorconfusingabouthowIfeel.”
Linadidn’tspeakforafewseconds,somethinginhereyeschanging,dawningwithmoreunderstanding.
“Didithelp?”sheasked.“DidLucasmakeadifferenceinyourbook?”
“Yes,”Itoldherand,God,IguessedmytankhadbeenfarfromemptybecauseIwantedtocryagain.“Somuch.He’s…”Ishookmyhead.
Shesqueezedmyhand.“Tellme.”
“He’smagic,Lina.He’sselflessandkind.He’ssweetandcommanding.Hemanagedtomakemefeellighter,tomakeitallbetter.Hehasthemostbeautifulsmile.Andyouprobablydon’twanttohearit,butthesexwithhimwassomethingI’dneverexperiencedbefore,something…”Thepressureinmychestincreased,makingeverythingfeeltight.“LucasisthebestmanI’deverknownandI…really,reallywantedhimtowantmeasmuchasIwantedhim.Ithoughtforasecondthatmaybehewouldandnow—”
NowmyeyesburnedagainandifIfinishedthatstatementI’dneedtogaspforair.
Linastartedblinking,hereyesgettingwateryinreturn.
“Don’tyoudarecry,too,”Itoldherwithabrokenlaugh.
“Jesus,Rosie.Ihadnoidea.”Sheshookherhead.“ButIguess…Iguessitmakessenseinaway.”
Ifrowned.“Whatdoes?”
“YouknowIsuspectedyouguyswereprobablyhookingupfromthemomentIsawyoutogether.”Mymouthopened,butshestoppedmewithahand.“MaybethatwaswhyIwasalittlehardontheidea.EvenwhenAarontoldmeahundredtimesthatyouprobablyweren’tjusthavingsex.”Sheshrugged.“Ididn’tbelievehimuntilhefinallytoldmewhatLucashaddoneforyouonthatrooftop.DidyouknowAaronhelpedhimwiththephotosandthecake?Withoutmeknowing?ItwasinthatmomentthatIknew.Andafterthat,itwasreallyhardnottonoticehowLucaswas…different.”
“Different?”Ibreathedout.
“Itwasthewayhemovedaroundyou,thewayhewatchedyou.”
MyfacemusthavefilledwithrawpainbecauseLinapaled.
“Sorry,that’sreallynothelping,”shesaidquickly.“Okay,soisbooktwodone?Ready?”
Itwas,forthemostpart.ThatwashowmuchLucashadchangedeverything.“Yes.”
“Willyouletmereadit?”
“I’llsendittoyoutonight,whenIgethome.”
“I’msoproudofyou,Rosie.”Shescootedcloser,placingakissonmycheek.Whenshereturnedtoherposition,shelookedatmeforamoment,amusemententeringherexpression.“Ican’tbelieveyouranafterhimattheairportlikeatotalromancehero.”
Igroaned,notbecauseIregrettedit—I’ddoitagain—butbecauseIknewthatyearsfromtoday,Linawasnevergoingtoletmeforgetthis.
“Notmybrightestidea.”
Wesmiledateachother,butjustasquickly,ourlipsfell.
“Didheatleastgiveyouagoodreason?”mybestfriendasked.
Thequestionseemedtospininmyhead,andevenafterthinkingforalongtimeIdidn’tseemtofindananswer.SoItoldherthebestnextthingIcouldfind,“Beforewewentonthatfirstdate,hepromisedmehewouldneverfallinloveinwithme.”IshiftedsoIcouldrestmyheadonhershoulder.“Somaybe…maybeIshouldn’thaveforgottenthat.”
Linadidn’tsayanything,andIdidn’t,either.
Wejustlayonthebed,insilence,untilDadwalkedinandasked,“Waffles?Ollyissettingthetable.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONELucas
Myphonerangagain,displayingthenameofthepersonIhadbeenavoidingforthelastthreeweeks.Andjustlikeithaddoneeverydayforthelasttwenty-onedays,itstoppedandatextlitupmyscreen.
Lina:gallina
Chickenshit
Iagreed.
Notthatitwouldmakemepickup.
One,becausemycousinwasright:Iwasacoward.Thebiggestoneshe’devermet,likeshe’dtextedmeyesterday.Sowhybotherdenyingit?
Andtwo,becauseIwasn’texcitedtodiscussthewayLinawantedtomakeanecklacewithmyballs.Ididn’twanttohearthatshe’dmurderme,makesureIsuffered,andkeepTacoforherself.Ididn’twanttohearhersaythatIneverdeservedRosie.
BecauseIknewshethoughtallofthatandIalsoknewshewasright.
Ihadn’tdeservedRosie,andI’dhavehelpedLinawiththekickinghadIbeeninthemoodtogetmyassupfromAbuela’scouch.Althoughatthisrate,Abuelawouldshipmeoffanydaynow.ProbablyevengiveLinaahandandsmackmeupthehead.
“Comounalmaenpena,”Abuelahadsaidyesterday,“pululandoporlavida.”
Likeasoulinsorrow,roamingaround.
Shewasn’twrong.
Draggingbothhandsthroughmyhair,Itriedtopushallthatoutofmyhead.Butthen,myphonelitwithanothernotification,andjustlikeeverytimeitdid,Iimmediatelypickeditupfromthetable.Justincaseinwasher.
Lina:Callme,it’simportant.Somethinghappened.
Desperately,myfingersflewoverthescreenofthedevice,andinlessthantwosecondsIwasdoingwhatIhadn’tbroughtmyselftodoinweeks.
“What’swrong?”IbarkedintothephonewhenLinapickedup.“Whathappened?IsRosieokay?”
Therewasonlysilence.
“Lina,don’tplaywithme.”Ididn’tevenrecognizemyownvoice.“Tellmewhathappened.”
Acacklecamethroughtheline.“Iknewthatwastheonlythingthatwouldmakeyoucallmeback.”Ahuff.“Ishouldhavedonethatdaysago,butIguessIwastryingtobenice.”
Igrunted,slowlyrealizingI’dbeenplayed.
Butmyheartwasstillallovertheplace,andIwasunabletocalmmyselfdown,tokilltheideathatsomethingmighthavehappenedtoRosieorignorethefactthat,withanoceanbetweenus,therewouldn’tbeasinglethingIcouldhavedone.“Rosie’sokay?”
Linasnorted.“I’mnotansweringthat.”
“Lina,telojuro—”Ihatedmyharshtone.“Issheokay,ornot?”
Lina’sexhalewaslong,loadedwithwhatfeltlikesympathy.Lacedwithanger,too.“Just…calmdown,willyou?Nothinghappened.”
OnlywhenIheardtheconfirmation,didIbreathealittleeasier.Onlyslightly.
Then,sheadded,“Atleastnothingotherthanyouhappened.”
Swallowing,ItriedreallyhardtokeepmyselffrombarkingsomethingIwouldn’tbeabletotakeback.IwaswellawareofhowmuchI’dhurtRosie.NothingIcouldsaywouldchangethat.Ihatedmyselfenoughforit.I’dneverforgetthelookonherfaceorforgivemyselfforputtingitthere.Forinflictingonherasinglesecondofpain.
Probablyfeelingtheswinginmymood,Tacocametomysideandrestedhisheadonmyknee.Ipattedhimbehindhisears,obtainingaquickwoofofappreciation.
“IsthatTaco?”Linaasked,hertonechanging,lightingup.“Canyougivehimakissfrom—”
“No.”
“Ugh.Idon’tlikeyoutoomuchrightnow,Lucas.”
Isharedthefeeling.“Whatdoyouwant,Lina?BesidesalmostgivingmeaheartattackandtellingmesomethingIalreadyknew.”
“Well,atleastyouknowyousuck.That’sagoodstart.Ithoughtyoumightbeindenial,butatleastitdoesn’tsoundlikeyouare.Good,because—”
“Lina,”Igrowled.“Idon’thaveenergyforwhateverthisis.ThatwaswhyIdidn’tcallyouback.”
Anotherlongsighcamethroughtheline.“Iwashopingyouwouldn’t,butyousoundasmiserableasshedoes.Ifnotmore.”
Somethinginsideofmestirred,andIdidn’tdeservetoask,ortoknow,butthewordsleftmylipsbeforeIcouldstopthem.“She’s…”Icouldbarelyfinish,“miserable?”
“Well…”Linatrailedoff,makingmeshiftinmychair.“That’saloadedquestion,primo.Howareyoudoing?”
Miserablewouldbeputtingitlightly.ThetwothingsthathadkeptmegoingwereTaco,whobarelyleftmyside,andAbuela,whosepatiencewasobviouslyrunningthin.“I’mfine.”
“Ohyeah?You’refine.”Mycousindroppedhervoice,mimickingmine.“Well,Rosie’sfine,too.Andbytheway,shehasn’ttoldmewhateveriswrongwithyou.That’swhomybestfriendis,loyaltoafault.”
Thememoryofherbeautifulface,lookingatmewithhopeassheaskedmetobewithher,tocomewithme,flashedbehindmyeyes.AndI…God,Iwantedtobreaksomething.Istruggledforair,too.Ididn’tdeserveherloyalty.
Taconuzzledmyleg,demandingmyattention,soIresumedthescratching.
“Losé,chico,”Imurmured.ThenItoldLina,“Okay,ifthat’sallthen…”
“Wow,”Linaspat.“Justwow.YoureallyareabiggeridiotthanIthoughtyouwere.”
“Idon’thavetimeforthis—”
“No,”shecutmeoff.Andthechangeinhervoicewasclearasday.Iwasgoingtolistentowhatevershehadcalledmetosay.AndifIhungup,she’dfindaway.“Youknowyoudeservetohearyou’rebeinganidiot.That’swhyyouhaven’thadtheballstopickuporreturnmycalls.Becauseyoudon’twanttohearthetruth.Becauseifyoudidhearthetruth,youmightopenyoureyesandseethingsdifferentlyandyoumightenduphavingtoreallydigintothathardheadofyours.”
Myjawclampedshut.
Relentless,shecontinued,“Itoldyou,Lucas.Iwarnedyou.Isaid,Ifyouhurther,I’llmurderyou.Rosie’smybestfriend.She’smyfamilyhereinNewYork.ShewasallIhadbeforeAaron.”Apause,andIcouldtell,shewastryingtoreinitin.“AndIwasn’tjoking.Ishouldwanttomurderyou.ButIsaidallofthatwhenIassumedyoutwowerejustsecretlyfuckingeachother’sbrainsout.Forfun.”
“Itwasn’tlikethat.”Igrunted.“Itneverwas.”
“Iknow,”sheadmitted.“Iknowthatnow.That’stheonlyreasonwhyImightnottrytokillyou.BecausenowIknowthewholestory.”
Iwasalmostscaredtoask.“Thewholestory?”
“Yes,Lucas.Theexperimentyoutwohadgoingon,”shesaid,andhertoneshifted,likeshecouldnolongerhideheremotions.“Rosietoldmeaboutit.Toldmeeverything.Everysinglethingyoudidforher.Allthedates.Therecordstore?Alessandro’s?Therooftop?”
Myeyelidsfellshutatthememories.“I…Ididn’tmeanforthistohappen,Lina.Ididn’twanttohurther.I’dnever…”Myvoicecracked.“She’s…somuchmorethan…She’sRosie.”Mybreathingturnedlabored,thetearsI’dfoughtsohardtokeepatbayrushingtomyeyes,sothebestIcouldmanagewastorepeatmywords.“Ididn’tmeanforthistohappen.”
Mycousinremainedsilentforalongmoment.SolongthatIthoughtthatwasall,thatthiswasit,thatshe’dhadhersayandnowIwasleftalone.
Butthenshesighed,andthesoundwassosadthatIalmostseveredthecallmyself.“Lucas…”Shetrailedoff,andIcouldpicturehershakingherhead.“Youcouldn’tpredictthatyoutwowoulddoallofthisandshewouldfallheadoverheelsinlovewithyou?”
Myworldhalted.
JustlikewhenI’dspottedherinthatterminalassherantowardme.OrwhenI’dkissedherandIhadn’tevenfeltthewaterpouringdownonus—hadn’tevencared.Orwhenshe’dtoldmethatshemissedmewhenIrantoherapartmentatoneinthemorning.
Onlythistimewasdifferent,becausethegravity,themeaning,ofwhatIwashearingwas…toomuch.
Shewouldfallheadoverheelsinlovewithyou?
Mylimbsfeltnumb.
Mychesttootight.
IwasnolongersureifIwassitting,standing,orlyingonthefloor.Icouldn’teventellifthephonehadslippedoffmyhanduntilLina’svoicesomehowmadeitthroughthehaze.
“You’retellingme,”Linasaid,“thatyoutookhertoZarato,managedtosomehowconvincetheownertoletyouusetheirgreenhouse,hunglights,andinstalledaprojectorjustsoyoucouldre-createthenightshe’dwishedshe’dmetyou,andyoudidn’tthinkthiscouldhappen?”
Lina’swordswerebarelyregisteringinmyhead,merelygettinginandout,mymindstillprocessing—stuckon—whatshe’dsaidearlier.
“You’retellingmethatyouevenwentthroughthetroubleofbakinghermyweddingcake—andyes,Aarontoldmehehelpedyouwiththat,andtrustme,he’spaidforkeepingthatlittlesecret—thatyoucoulddancewithher,andkissherunderthefreakingrainlikeamodern-dayMr.Darcy,andyoustillthoughtnoneofthatwouldmakeherloveyou?”
Linagavemeanopeningtosaysomething,butIwastooslow.
“Areyoutellingmethatshechasedyoudowninanairport—”
“Lina,”IfinallymanagedtospeakPleaded
Shejustwaitedformetocontinue.
Ihardlygotmybreathingontrackbeforesayingsomething,andthatwasprobablywhythewordsleftmeinahardgulpofair.“Shelovesme?Shesaidthat?Rosiesaidthatshe’sinlovewithme?”
Secondsstretchedintoaneternity.“Lucas,areyoujokingrightnow?”
“Answerme.”
“JesusChrist,”shemuttered.“Yes,Lucas.Ofcourse,Rosielovesyou.She’sinlovewithyou.”She’sinlovewithyouShe’sinlovewithme.“Whyelsewouldshechaseyoudownatafreakingairportandoffertofollowyouanywhere?Thatwashergrandgesture,andtrustme,asbigintoromanceassheis,she’sneverdonesomethinglikethat.Notforanyone.Notever.Rosiethinkseverythingthrough;sheplans.Andsheblewupherrulesforyou.”
AndIdidn’tevensayawordwhenshedid.Ibrokeherheartinstead.“Ican’tgiveheranything,Lina.Notasinglething.”
Becauselifewasn’taseasyassayingyesandbeingwithher.Lifewasn’tassimpleasfollowingyourheartandhopingforthebest.
Whatkindofamanwouldshehavebesidehereveryday?Onethatdidn’tliveuptoherexpectations.Onethatcouldn’tgiveheranything.Onewithoutafutureoraplan.
“Shedoesn’twantanythingfromyou.Shejustwantsyou.Lovesyou.Don’tyouunderstand?”Linasaidafterabeat.
IdidandIdidn’t.
Justmewasn’tenough.Perhapsthatwouldbeenoughfornow,butnotinthelongrun.“Justmeisnotenough.”
“Oh,Lucas.”Linasighed.“Youreallydon’tsee,doyou?”
Ididn’thaveananswerforthatbecauseLinadidn’tevenknowthewholestory.UnlessRosiehadtoldher,whichIdoubted.She’dneverdothat,Ifullytrustedher.I—
“Rosie…”Shetrailedoff,asifhesitatingwhethersheshouldsay.“She’llkillmeifshefindsoutItoldyoubut…shewroteyouagoddamnbook.”
Thegroundundermyfeetshookagain
“Shewhat?”
“Herbook.I’dreadherfirstone,obviously.Anditwasgood.She’s—”
“Iknow,”Irasped.I’dreadit,too.Ihaditmemorizedbynow.
“Butthisone?Thisonestoryyousomehowinspiredwithyourlittleexperiment?”Apause,andIfeltthethrummingofmyheartinmytemples,banginginmyears.“Jesus,thatfreakingbookpunchedtheairstraightoutofmychest.Idon’tremembereversmilingthatbig,cryingthatbad,orclutchingmychestthathard.AndI…”
Linatrailedoffagain,leavingthatunfinished.
“Andwhat?”Ibreathedout.
“Icouldseeyouinthosepages,Lucas.Itwasyou.Ihavenoideahowshedidit,howsheturnedsomethinggreatintosomethingbreathtakinglybeautiful,butshedid.Andit’slikeagoddamnloveletter.Toyou.”CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWORosie
OnceuponatimeIlovedChristmas.
Asakid,I’dlivedforthistimeoftheyear.Ithadnothingtodowiththegiftsorthenever-endingsupplyofsweets.Ithadalwaysbeenaboutthemagic.Thelove.
Itwassuspendedintheair,likepixiedust,sprinkledontopofeverythingandeveryone,makingtheworldlookalittlebrighter.Alotbetter.
IthoughtI’dgrowoutofitatsomepointinmylife,probablyinmiddleschool.ItwasonlynaturaltostopbeingasexcitedforthingslikeputtingupthetreeorgettingyouroldSantajammiesoutofthecloset.IthoughtthatI’dbecomealittlemoreirritatedbythesnowblanketingthecityortheharrowingquesttofindgiftsforeveryone.Butthatneverreallyhappened.
MyloveforChristmasneverfaded.
Untilthisyear.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,theseasonhadknockedonmydoorandIcouldn’thavecaredless.
Ididn’tputupatree.Ileftthoseredandgreenpajamasinthedrawer.Ifinallysawthesnowforwhatitwas—amuddyandgraymess.AndIhadn’tboughtgiftsforanyone.
Ihadevenbeentemptedtopackmythingsandleaveforsomewherefar,faraway.Somewherewheretheydidn’tcelebrateChristmas.
Yes.Againstallodds,I’dturnedintotheGrinch.Mychest,oncefilledwithfuzzyfeelings,wasnothingmorethananopenpitnow.Andtheworstpart?Itwasn’tevenbitterness.Itwasn’tangerorfrustration;itwashopelessness.Thejokewasonme,Iguessed,becauseIcouldn’tevenbecomethegrouchy,irritableGrinch.Instead,Ihadtobeasad,heartsickversionofit.
JustlikeI’dfiguredoutthatdayIshowedupatmydad’sfromtheairport,forthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadhadmyheartbroken.Trulybroken.Andthattooktimeto…dealwith,tolearnhowtolivewiththenotionofmissingafutureI’dbarelyhadanytimetoimagine.Tolearnhowtolivemissinghim.
BecauseImissedLucas.
Imissedbeinginlovewiththeideaoflove,too.
Becausenow,Iwasanengineerturnedromancewriterwhobarelysurvivedthemostmagicalandromantictimeoftheyear.
Theironywasn’tlostonme.
Andyet,IsomehowmanagedtogothroughChristmaswithoutabreakdown,onlyleavingtheapartmenttwice—onThanksgivingandChristmasDay—justtopretendthatIwasdoingfine,thatIwaskindofokay.Andeventually,myinnerGrinchandIwatchedeveryonetaketheirtreesdownandsighedinreliefthinking,Well,fuckingfinally
Andwithoutreallyknowinghow,ImiscalculatedandendedupfacedwitheverythingIhadtriedsohardtoavoid.
NewYear’sEve.
NewYear’sfreakingEve.
SohereIwas,inthemiddleofthefanciestpartymybestfriendhadmanagedtofind,cladinacocktaildressandapairofhighheelsshehadpickedoutforme.Holdingafluteglassthatshehadplacedinmyhand.Andtryingandfailingtosmileatallthesepeopledrunkwithhopeandnewresolutions.
“Morechampagne,Rosie?”
“Sure,”Iabsentmindedlyanswered,noddingmyhead.“Imightaswelldrownit.”
Linasnickered.“Drownwhat?”
SadGrinchRosie.“Nothing.”Sherefilledmyglass,andInoticedthebottleinherhand.“Wheredidyougetthatbottlefrom?”
“Contacts.”Shesmiled,pouringgoldenliquiduntilitreachedthebrim.“Nowdrinkup.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Whataboutyourglass?”
“Oh.”Shewavedahand,andInoticedthatshedidn’thaveaglassinfrontofher.Hadshebeenevendrinkingtonight?HeckifIknew.“Thechampagneisjustforyou,bestie.Soyouloosenupalittle.”
Myeyesturnedtothinslits.
Linarolledhers.“Don’tlookatmelikethat,I’mnottryingtogetyoudrunk.”Apause,thenshemutteredunderherbreath,“Trustme.”
BeforeIcouldevenattempttoparsethatlastpart,Aaronreappeared.Heplacedhimselfbehindhiswife,justlikehealwaysdid,snakinganarmaroundherinthatorganicandnaturalwaythatwouldhavemadetwo-months-ago-Rosieswoon.SadGrinchRosiesighedandavertedhereyes.
Withoutanykindofwarningamemoryflashed:Lucas,standingbehindme,justlikeAarondidwithLina.Butwehadn’tbeenatafancyparty;we’dbeeninmykitchen,cookingbreakfast,andLucashadbeenlaughing,thesoundrumblingoutofhischestandmakingmesmile.
Ugh
WouldIeverstopmissinghim?
WhatwasIevendoinghere?
Pullingoutmyphone,Icheckedthetime.Fifteenminutesuntilmidnight.AndIwasgivingmyselfsixteenbeforeIleft.I’dgivethewoo-hootothenewyearandthenscatter.ThatwasallIpromisedLinaandmyself.
Iglancedatmybestfriend,findingherlookingatmewithabig,scarysmile.
“Hmm…”Isaid,frowning.“Whatareyougrinningabout?”
Shedidn’tanswer,andslidmyglassclosertomyhand.
Thepeoplearoundusstartedshifting,theatmospheregrowingrestlessastheylookedforthatpersonthey’dbekissingattheendofthecountdown.
Igrabbedtheglassandtippeditback,emptyingitinonegulp.
“It’sokay,bestie,”Linasaidpattingmyfreehand.“It’llallbeoversoon.”
Yes,becauseI’dbegoinghometohideundermycomforter.“Right.”
Forsomereason,IglancedatAaron,andIfoundhimsmiling,too.Ididadoubletake,takingtheminforamoment.“Areyoutwo…okay?”
Theirtwinsmileswidened,makingmewonderiftheywerehigh.BecauseAaronhadneverevergrinnedlikethis,likea…maniac,exceptforthedaytheygotmarried,andbecauseLinakeptsayingweirdstuff,lookingatmefunny.Anditwasallfreakingmeout.
Unless…unlesstheywerejusthighonlifeandloveandwhateverthisstupidnightrepresented.
“I’mhappyyou’re…happy.”Icheckedmyphoneagain.Tenminutestogo.“CanIgetmorechampagne?”
“How’sOllydoing,bytheway?”Linaaskedthroughherpsychogrinassherefilledmyglass.Again.
Iknewwhatshewasdoing—entertainingme,distractingme,becauseshehadbeengoingatitthewholeevening—butIhumoredher.AtleastOllywasatopicthatbroughtmesomesolace.“He’sgood.Happytobehome.”
“Joefinallywrappedhisheadaroundwhathappened?”
“Tooksometime,butyes.Mostly,becausenomatterwhathappened,itdoesn’tchangethefactthatOlly’sback.”
Linanoddedherhead,hergazewarming.“He’sonebigpieceofbread,yourdad.”
Aaronsnickered.“Thatdoesn’ttranslateliterally,baby.YoumeanJoeisateddybear.”
Mybestfriendrolledhereyes.“Yes,andRosiegotitanyway.YouguysunderstandwhatImeanjustfine.”
Thatmadethecornersofmymouthtipupbecausecontrarytowhatshebelieved,Iactuallyhadnoideawhatshehadmeant.AllIknewwasthatithadbeensomethinggoodbecauseLinaadoredmydad.
“Andlook”—Linapointedafingeratmyface—“Ievengotateeny-tinysmileoutofher.It’sthefirstoneinweeks!”
Thatteeny-tinysmilefelloffmyface.“Anyway.”Ishrugged.“IgotOllyaninterviewwiththecontractorthattookcareofmyapartment.”
IhadbeentalkingtoAidenonthephoneafterMr.Allenhadpassedonhiscontact,whenhe’dtoldmeheneededmoremanpowerandwasconsideringtakingapprentices.SoI’daskedhimifhemightbeopentohiringsomeonewithoutexperience.He’dsaidyes,andwhenIbroughtitupwithOlly,henotonlyseemedinterested,butexcitedabouttheidea.
“That’samazing,Rosie,”Linasaidwithalittleclap.“Let’shopeforthebest.Andifheneedsanytips,wecansendAarontoprephimfortheinterview.IfOllysurvivesthat,he’llgetanyjobhewants.YouknowhowscaryAaroncanbeand—”
“Funny.”Aaroncutheroffwithaquickkissonhertemple,leavingmybestfriendalittledazzled.Then,heturnedtome.“Butifyouthinkitwillhelp,sendhimtome.”
“Thanks,Aaron,”Itoldhimhonestly.IknewAaronhadplentyexperienceconductinginterviews,andwhileInTechandAiden’sbusinesswerecompletelydifferentbeasts,anyhelpwouldbewelcome.“Ithinkit’sagoodidea,butI’llletOllydecidehowhewantstoprepareforit.”
Withoutanykindofwarning,thelightsdimmed,andasinglebeamilluminatedascreenthathadbeeninstalledhighononeofthewalls.
Cheerseruptedaroundus,signalingthemomenteveryonehadbeenwaitingfor.
Everyoneexceptforme,ofcourse.
Linaclappedherhandsunderherchin,hergringrowingimpossiblywider,andImademyselfsmileatherwithsomethingthatwasn’tsadness.Ididn’tthinkIwasverysuccessfulatit,butherexpressiondidn’tfall,soIguesseditdidn’tcompletelysuck.Then,shegrabbedmyhandanddraggedusawayfromthetableandintotheagitatedthrongofpeople.
“Dowereallyhaveto?”Iasked.
Shepattedmyhand.“Yes.”
Twogoldennumbersflashedbrightonthebigscreen,aoneandazero;andIcouldtasteonmytonguetheanticipationofeveryonearoundme.
Okay,justafewmoresecondstogoandI’llbefree.
Mybestfriendsituatedherselfbetweenherhusbandandme,peoplemovingpastus,aroundus,probablybetweenusifwehadletthem,wantingtogetclosertothescreen,orlookingforthosetheywantedbytheirsidewhenthosenumbersstartedmakingtheirwaybacktozero.
Linaturnedherheadandmetmygaze.Therewassomethinginhergaze,somethingIcouldn’tdecipher.Shelookedatmelikesheneverhadbefore,like…likeshe’dwalkthroughfireforme.Likeshewasholdingherselffromhuggingme.Hereyeswatered,andexactlyasecondbeforethecountdownstartedandchaosensued,shesaid,“Makeawish,Rosie.Itmightcometrue.”
Alittletakenabackbyherwords,Iunconsciouslyclosedmyeyesandlistenedtothechantednumbersaswestrolledstraightintothenewyear,unabletoshakeLina’swords.
Ten!
Makeawish
Nine!
Itmightcometrue.
Eight!
Iwantednothing.Nothing…exceptforonething.
Seven!
Oneperson.
Six!
TheonepersonintheworldIwishedwithallmyheartwerehere.Withme.
Five!
ThemanIwashelplesslyinlovewith.
Four!
ThemanIwishedIcouldkisstonight.Andeverysinglenightafterthis.
Three!
Andwhilemyeyeswerestillclosed,Ifeltsomeonegrabmyhand.Thegripwaswarm,strong.Familiar.
Two!
Myhearttumbledinmyribcage,comingaliveafterbeingdormantforweeks
Iwasgentlytuggedforward,broughtagainstachest.
Thescentofcleansoapandseasalthitme,makingeverythinginsidemybodytightenandshake.Vibratewithpossibility.
One!
AirstuckinmythroatasIfeltabreathagainstmylips.
Akisswasbrushedagainstmyjaw.
Andthen,whenIthoughtitcouldn’tbe,thatmymindwasplayinggamesbecausethiswastoomuch,fourwordswerewhisperedinmyear.“Openyoureyes,preciosa.”
HappyNewYear!
Myeyesblinkedopen,andI…Lord
Asobclimbedupmythroat.Ididn’tknowwhy,orhow,becauseIthoughtI’dcriedallthetearsIhad,butitdid.Icriedbecausestandinginfrontofmewasmywish.Myoneandonlywish.
Lucas.
AndtherewassomuchIdidn’tunderstand,somuchtofigureout,butIwasafoolinlovewhohadmissedhimwithallmybeing,soIcouldn’tdoanythingbutstumbleintohim.Iquestionedmysight,mysanity,thebanginginmychest,asIfelttearstrailingdownmycheeks.Happytears,sadtears,allkindsoftears.Becausehewashere.Somehow,hewasstandinginfrontofme,inadarksuit,hishairdisheveled,andhiseyesthewarmestI’deverseen.
He’dcomeback?How?Why?
Lucas’shandsclaspedmyface,thatgrinofhispartinghishandsomeface.“Don’tcry,Rosie.”Hepressedhisforeheadtomine,hisholdonmyfacegrowingdesperate,pleading.“Nomoretears,nomore.”
Awareonlyofhim,Ididn’tknowwherethetinysparksofcolorfallingarounduscamefrom;IjustknewLucaswashere,withme.AndhewasholdingontomelikeIhadwishedhehadthatdayattheairport.
Ifeltthewordsagainsttheskinofmytemplewhenhesaid,“HappyNewYear,ángel.I’vemissedyousomuch.”
Mylipsparted,andmyhandswenttohiswrists,myfingersclosingaroundthem,feelinghispulseunderhiswarmskin.
“Lucas,”Iwhispered.“You’rehere.Whyareyouhere?”
Hisforeheadcameagainstmine,andhisbodysteppedevenclosertomine,causingashivertotraildownmyspineatthefeelofhim.“I’mherebecauseIloveyou.BecauseIthoughtIhadtowalkaway,Rosie.BecauseIdidn’tfeelworthyofyou.Ofus.AndbecauseI’mreadytogrovelasmuchasIneedtotogetyouback.”
AsoundIdidn’tunderstandclimbedupmythroat.
Hisholdofmyfacetightened.“WalkingawayfromyoulikethatwasthehardestthingI’deverhadtodo.Butnow,Iunderstand.NowIknowthatIcouldn’tclaimyouwithoutwantingtobecomeabettermanformyself.Withoutwantingtogetthereonmyown.”Hisnosetrailedalongmine,hislipscomingsoveryclosetomine,hoveringwiththepromiseofakissIdesperatelyneeded.“ButI’mnotgoinganywherenow.Ifyou’lltakemeback.Ifyou’llhaveme.”Thepadsofhisfingerstangledinmyhairashetiltedmyheadbacksohecouldlookatme.“Willyou?Doyoustillwantme?”
ThequestionleftmesobreathlessthatIcouldn’tutteraword.
“Ihavesomuchtotellyou,Rosie.Somuchtoexplain,but—”Hestoppedhimself,comingevencloser,hisholdturningmoreurgent,hisvoicedroppingwiththeneedIfeltsurgingthroughme,too.“Ineedyou.IneedyoutotakemebacksoIcanshowyou.”
“Lucas,”Ifinallysaid,“wouldyoujust…stoptalkingandkissme?Please.”
Ididn’tneedtolookathim,toseehim,toknowthathewassmilingwhenhetookmymouth.Becausewhenhislipsfinallymetmine,Ifeltit.Deepinmybones.Ifelthisbeautifulsmile,hiskindness,hisselflessness,hishonesty,hislove.IfeltallthethingsthatmadehimhimandthatIadoredsomuch.Everythingthathadmademefallsohelplesslyinlovewithhim.
Hepartedmylips,deepeningthekiss,tellingmewithithowmuchhe’dmissedme,howsorryhewas,howmuchheneededmeandwantedme.AndItookallofit.Itookitformyself,keepingitinthesafeplacewhereI’dstoredeverythingelsehe’dgivenmeandI’dthoughtI’dlost.Onlynow,itdidn’thurtanymore.Nowitonlyfilledmewithhappiness.Itmademefloat.
Whenwecameupforair,hisgazemetmine,lookingatmelikehehadsomethingpreciousinfrontofhim.Somethinginvaluable.Somethinghewasn’tplanningoneverlettinggo.
“You’vekilledSadGrinchRosie,”Icroakedinabrokenvoice.
Lucaslaughed.“I’vemissedyousomuch,Rosie.”Histhroatbobbed.“Thismouth.”Thepadofhisthumbgrazedmybottomlip.“Theseeyes.”Itmovedtomybrow.“Thisbeautifulface.”Heleaneddown,brushinghislipsalongmycheek.“Butmostofall,I’vemissedthis.”Lucas’spalmpressedagainstmychest,wheremyheartwasthrummingoutofcontrol,wantingout,wantingtoleavemeandgotohim.“AndIhavenorightoveritanymore,butGod,Iwantitformyself.Iwantitsobadly.”Hepaused,likeitwasimpossiblyhardforhimtocontinue.“IhopeIcanhaveit.”
Myhandstraileduphisarms,reachinghisface.Ibrushedhishairback.“Youdo,”Itoldhim,lookingupathim,lettinghimseejusthowmuch.“Youalwaysdidandyoualwayswill.”
Ihadn’trealizedhehadbeenholdinghisbreathuntilhischestmoved,andairlefthisnoseshakily.“Good,”hesaid,leaninghisfaceonmytouch.“That’sgood.Otherwisewhat’scomingnextwouldhavebeenalittleawkward.”
Mymouthparted,butbeforeIcouldutteraword,thesongoverthespeakersregistered.
Slowly,Ibecameawareofmysurroundings.NewYear’sEve.Theparty.LinaandAaron.Confettidustedovereverysurface.TheopeninglineofthetrackthathadmarkedthestartofsomethingbeforeIcouldknowwhatitwouldleadto.
IglancedupatLucasagain,findingthatpairofbrowneyesfilledwiththesameemotionfloodingmychest.
“Oursong,”Ibarelymanagedtosay,somethingcloggingmythroat.“RosieandLucas’sSoundtrack.”
Lucasshrugged,thecornerofhislipstippingup,andthenheloweredhishead,grazingmyearwithhismouth.“Itoldyoutomakeitcount.”Ashivercrawleddownmyarms,mywholebodycomingaliveatthatsimpletouch.“Willyoudancewithme,RosalynGraham?”
“Yes,”Itoldhim.Then,Irepeateditforgoodmeasure.“Yes,yes.”
Hisarmsrearrangedaroundme,oneofhishandstravelingallthewaytothenapeofmyneckandslippinginmyhair.“Iknowthisisnotasongtoslow-danceto,butIdon’tthinkIcanstayawayfromyouasecondlonger.”
Lucastiltedmyheadback,andhekissedmeagain.Intently.Honestly.WordlesslygrantingmealittlepieceofhimselfIhadn’thadaccesstobefore.MyarmslinkedbehindhisneckandIcouldn’tdoanythingbutpullhimtomeandgivehimaccesstowhateverIhadleft.
Hismouthleftmine,hislipssoftalongmyjaw.“Iwishweweren’tinthemiddleofaparty,”headmittedlowandonlyforme.“ThatIhadyoualltomyselfrightnow.Butthatneedstowait,anyway.There’ssomuchIneedyoutohearfirst.”
Soberingup,Inodded,lettinghimswayussoftly.“Thentellme.Tellmeeverything,Lucas.”
“Ileftyouwithoutanexplanation,backthereattheairport,”hesaid,swallowinghard.“Andforthat,I’msorry.I’msorryIhurtyou,andI’msorryIsomehowletyoubelievethatwhatIwasfeelingforyouwasn’tstrongenough,powerfulenoughformetobewithyou.Iletyoubelievethatyouweren’tenoughforme,andI’llneverforgivemyselfforit.”
Mypalmsgrabbedthebackofhisneck,myfingersslippinginhissofthair.“Lucas,youdon’thavetoapologizeforthat.”Andheshouldn’t.Hereallyshouldn’t.“IblindsidedyouinanattemptatmakingyouunderstandwhatIfeltforyou.Itwastoomuch,toosoon.”
“Itwasn’t.That’swhyIneedyoutohearthis,Rosie.Becauseyou—”Hisfeaturespinched.“Becauseyouwereeverything.Youare.Don’tyousee?”
“Then…”Itrailedoff,terrifiedofasking.BecauseI’dplayedwiththequestionsooftenthatInolongerknewwhattoexpect.“Whydidyouleavelikethat?”
“IwasconvincedthatIwasdoingtherightthing.”Amuscleinhisjawjumped.“Ineverdoubtedthatyouwantedme,butIdidn’tthinkyoualwayswould.Ithoughtyouweresettling,Rosie.AndifIdidn’tbelieveIwasthemanforyou,whywouldyou?”
Hiswordsbrokemyheartalloveragain,becausehowcouldthiskind,thoughtful,andselflessmaneverthinkthatofhimself?
“IleftSpainashellofmyself,andI’dbeenthatwayforawhilebeforethat.Therughadbeenpulledfromundermyfeet,Rosie,andIwasleftwithoutthesinglethingIknewhowtodo,withoutthepersonIknewhowtobe.Icouldn’tofferyoujustthat,Rosie.”Heshookhishead.“Youdeservesomeonewhochallengesyou,whosharestheweightonyourshoulders,someonewholaystheworldatyourfeet.AndI…couldbarelymanagetowalkwithoutcrackingundermyownweight.SohowwasIsupposedtodoanyofthatforyou?”
Irosetomytiptoes,andkissedthecornerofhismouth,tellinghimIwaslistening,Iunderstood.
“Butthen,”Lucascontinued,andhisvoicecrackedwithbarelycontainedemotion.“Then,Ireadyourbook.Theoneyouwrotewhilewelivedtogether,weretogether.Theonebornfromourdates.”
Mylipsparted,myheartracedinmychest.“Linasentittome,toldmetoreadit.AndI…God.EverythingIdidn’tbelieveofmyself,everythingIcouldn’tpossiblythinkyousawinme,wasthere.Isawmyselfthroughyoureyes.Youlovedme.AndknowingsomeonelikeyoucouldlovemewhenIwasn’twholeonlymademewanttodomore.Bemore.Itmademewanttobecomeabettermanformyself.Aworthyone,formeandyou.Toproveyouright.Itmademewanttoearnthatloveyouwerewillingtogiveme,Rosie.Andthat’swhatI’mdoing.Ortryingtodo.”
Therewassomethingelseinhisgaze,somethingfierce,passionate,somethingIhadonlygottensmallglimpsesofinthetimeI’dknownhim.
“Iwastedsomuchtimepityingmyself,thinkingofwhatIhadlost,thatIdidn’tseewhatIstillhad.WhatIcouldhave.”Hispalmmovedtocupmyface.“I’mbacktophysicaltherapy;I’veonlydoneafewsessions,butI’mcommitted.I’malsotalkingtosomeoneaboutmypanicattacks,learningtoprocesswhathappened.Ifinallytoldeveryoneabouttheaccident,apologizedforbeinganidiot,andI…thoughtaboutyou,Rosie.Everyday,everynight.UntilwhatyousaidthatnightwithAlexiaandAdele,inLina’sstudio,camebacktome.Itwasanitch,abuzzinthebackofmyhead.And…itsuddenlymadesense.Ithinkitalwayshad.”
“Whatdid?”
“Culinaryschool.Iwasjusttooblindtoseeit.Toostubbornandhopeless.IstillbelieveI’mtoooldforit,andIknowImightfail,butI’mdeterminedtotry.Becauseit’swhatIwant,thething,besideyou,thatmakesmedreamofafutureagain.”
Tearsrushedtomyears,happinessswellingmychest.
Hecontinued,“IgotintouchwithAlexiaandshe’sgoingtohelpmewitheverything.Iwillapplytoschool,Rosie.HereinNewYork.”
Ijumpedintohisarms,bringingmyfacetohisneck,andhelaughed.Heletoutadeepandhonestlaugh.
“Itwilltakesometimetogeteverythingready:thepaperworkforthevisa,theschoolapplication,everything,”hesaidinmyear.“So,Ireallyhopeyou’reopentodolongdistancewithme,ángel.I’mprayingthatyouwillbecause—”
“Yes,Lucas.Yes.”ImovedsoIcouldplantakissonhislips.“I’llvisityouinSpainasoftenasIcan,writefromthere.Andtherestofthetime,we’lldolongdistance.EvenifI’llmissyoueveryday.Foraslongaswehaveto.”
Helaughedagain,anditwasaglorioussound.“We’retalkinglongmonthsofphonesex,ángel.”
Igrinned.“Can’tthinkofabetterwaytouseourphones.”
Lucas’seyesfilledwithakindofwonderthatleftmebreathless,thekindthathadthepowertochangealife.Heplacedhishandsonmyshouldersandturnedmearound.Ifelthimleandownandthenhesaid,“Good,becauserememberIsaidthiscouldgetawkwardifyoudidn’twantmeback?”
Hepointedatthescreenwherethecountdownhadbeen.
Iblinked,anewrushofhappytearsmakingithardformetoseewhatwasdisplayed.Andrightthere,rightinfrontofme,itread,
RosalynGraham,
Willyoubemybestfriend?
Myroommate.
MyDancingQueen.
Myexperimentlifepartner.
Myheart.
Willyoubemine,justlikeI’mcompletely,hopelesslyyours?
Then,thewords“Iloveyou,Rosie,”fromthelipsofthemanIlovedwerewhisperedinmyear.“IloveyoulikeI’dneverlovedanythingbefore.AndI’llloveyoufortherestofmylifeifyouletme.”AndbeforeIcouldevenprocesswhatIwasdoing,IwasturninginhisarmsandIwaslookingintohisbrowneyes,givinghimtheeasiestyesI’deverhavetogiveanyone.EPILOGUEAlittlemorethanayearlater…Lucas
“Yousureyouhaveeverything?”sheaskedmeagain.“ThatallyourthingsareintheboxesCharowillshipandyouressentialsareinyourbackpack?”
“Preciosa,”Itoldher,thegrininmyfacegrowingimpossiblybig,“you’reallIneedwithme.”
“Youwouldn’tcareifyouforgotyoursocks?”Hervoicewasstrawberrysweet.“Oryourunderwear?Thatisaveryannoyingthingtoreplace.”
“Couldn’tcareless.”AndIwasn’tlying.“Lesslayersforyoutopeeloffme.”
Sheletoutasoftsigh.Iknewthesoundverywell.I’dgrownveryfamiliarwiththoselightexhalesofbreath,withwhattheysignaled.I’dlearnedinthemany,manyoccasionswe’dhadtoresorttoourphonesinthetimewe’dbeenapart.
We’dtriedtoseeeachotherasmuchandasoftenaswecould,butitwasstillnotenough.Itwouldneverbe.IstillcountedthetimeIdidn’thaveherbymyside.
Tenweeks,fivedays,andfourteenhourssinceherlastvisit.
Andthistime,notonlyhadIbeenwithouther,butwithoutTaco,too,asRosiehadtakenhimwithherwhenshe’dreturnedtoNewYork.
“Iknow,ángel.”Iloweredmyvoicesothecabdriverwouldn’thearmesaythenextwords.NotbecauseIcaredifhedid,butbecausetheywereonlyforher.“I’malsodyingtotouchyou.Tohavemyhandsonyou.Tofeelyouunderme.”
Anothersighcame,butthisonewasdifferent.Itwastheonethattoldmeshemissedfarmorethanmytouch.AndIwasrighttherewithher.Imissedeverysinglethingabouther.
“Oh,well,”Rosiefinallysaid.“Atleast,Ihopeyoudidn’tforgetyourtoothbrushbecausesharingoneisabigstep.”
Sheclickedhertongue,andherteasingmeinsteadofsayingwhatwewereboththinking—howhardlongdistancewasandhowmuchwehatedit—mademewanttojumpoutofthecab,intotraffic,andruntoher.Sprint.
SomethingthatafterthephysicaltherapyplanI’dreligiouslyfollowedIwasabletodowithoutalimpormajorconsequences.Ontheoccasion.
“Preciosa,there’snostepwe’renotreadyfor.”
Andtherewasn’t.Iwouldhavealreadymarriedherifwehadbeenlivinginthesametimezone.WalkingawayfromherthatonetimeoverayearagowassomethingIwashavingtroubleforgettingorcomingtotermswith.I’dalmostlostRosie,theloveofmygoddamnlife,inmyattempttoprotecther,toprotectmyselftoo,asI’dbeenabletofinallyunderstandaftermyduesessionswithatherapist.ButjustlikeDr.Verasaid,it’snotaboutforgetting,butaboutforgivingyourselfandputtingintheworktobebetter.AndItriedeverydaytodothat.I’dalsolearnedtolivewithwhoIwastodaywithoutresentingwhatI’dlost.AndIsureashellknewwhatIwantedinmyfuture.
IhadalwayswantedRosie.ButnowIwasreadytotakeeverythingandanythingshe’dgiveme.Iwascountingthesecondstostartalifewithher,inNewYork,whileIattendedculinaryschooltobuildanewfutureformyself.Whileshethrivedinhercareerasaromancewriter.Whilewebuiltafuturetogether.
“You’reinthecab,then?”Rosieasked,joltingmebacktotheconversation.“Onyourwaytotheairport?”
“I’minthecab,yes.”OnlyIwasn’tonmywaytotheairport;Iwasonmywaytoher.I’dlandedinNewYorkanhourago,asmuchasRosiethoughtIhadn’tboardedmyflightyet.
“Ugh,Ialreadyfeellikethelasttenweekshavebeenthelongestofmylife.Andnow,Imustwaitanotherfullnight.It’snotfair.”
IwatchedRosie’sbuildingcomeintoview.“I’malmostthere,Rosie.”
“Iknow.”Shesighed.“ButIwantyouherenow.”
Thecabpulledup.“Whatwillyoudowhenyouseeme,ángel?”
Adeep,sultrylaughlefther.“WhatwillInotdo?”
Ipulledoutmywalletandpaidthedriver.“Describeitforme.”
“I’lljumpinyourarms,”shesaid,nohesitation.
Ihungmytrustedandbeatbackpackonashoulderandmademywaytoherbuilding.Ipushedattheentrancedoorandfounditopen.Imadeanoteofgettingsomeonetofixitandwentin.
Shecontinued,“I’llcoveryouinkisses.Yourmouth,yourneck,youreyelids,yourears,everythingIcanreach.”
“Everything?”IaskedasIclimbedthestepstoherfloor.
“EverysinglespotIcangetmylipson,”sheconfirmed,andIhummed.“Then,onlywhenI’mdoneandsatisfiedwithmyjob,Iwillverykindlyclimboffyou,tugatthehemofyourshirt,andpeelitrightoffyousoIcanstartworkingongettingyou—”
Iknockedonthedoor.
IheardTaco’sexcitedbark.
Andthroughtheline,IheardRosiesuckinabreath.
Iaskedher,“Atgettingmewhat?”
“Naked,”shemumbled.Sheexhaledshakily.Emotionwasclogginghervoicewhensheadded,“Lucas?”
“Rosie?”
“Yourflight,”sheanswered,andIcouldheareverythinginthosetwowords:thesurprise,therelief,thelove,thejoy.“Youtoldmeitwastoday.Thatyouwouldgetheretomorrow.”
“Idid,”Iconfirmed.“AndIdidn’tlie.Myflightwastomorrow.ButIcouldn’twait,Rosie.So,Igotmyselfanearlierone.”
“Youdid?”
“Idid,preciosa.”Iheardhersoftsteps.Quick.AsdesperateasIwasforher.“Icouldn’twaitasinglesecondmoretoseeyou,Rosie.Tokissyou,towakeupeverymorningbesideyoufortherestofmydays.Tocookforyouandremindyoutodrinkwaterwhenyou’retoolostinyourwriting.TohearmynameoffyourlipseverytimeI’minsideyou.Icouldn’twaitasecondmoretostartournewlifetogether,Rosie.I’vewaitedenough.I’vewaitedalifetimewithoutmeknowing.Sowhydon’tyouopenthisdoorandletmeshowyou?”ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Holysmokes.Sothatreallyhappened,huh?
Tosaythepasttwelvemonthshavebeenawildridewouldbeacompleteunderstatement.Andbelieveme,Idon’tsaythatlightly.Ifyou’renewhere,andthisisthefirsttimeyou’veheardofme,youprobablyhavenoideawhatI’mtalkingabout,andthat’sokay-I’lljustTHANKyoufortrustingmewithyourbookmooniesandhopeyoulovedRosieandLucasasmuchasIdo.ButifyoudoknowwhatI’mreferringto…thatmeansyouwerethereaboutayearago.Itmeansthatyoupickedupmydebut,TheSpanishLoveDeception,readit,andfeltpassionateenoughtotalkaboutit.Todoyourmagic.Andyes,youprobablyscreamedtoeveryoneandtheirmother(meincluded)aboutourgrumpyhomemade-granola-barlover:AaronBlackford.SoitmeansthatthankstoYOU,andyourloveandyourpassion,Iamhere,typingtheseacknowledgementswhileIsitinmyfull-timewriter’soffice,insteadofonsomecorporatelaptop,sneakinghoursin-betweenajobthatdidn’tmakemehappyandalifethatwasmissingsomething.This.Sothankyou.Toeverysingleoneofyouthatmadethispossible,THANKYOU.
Ella,hi.Iknowyou’regoingtorollyoureyes,butyoustartedthis.You’vebeenheresincethatsuckyfirstmanuscriptofTheSpanishLoveDeception,andevenwhenitsucked(Ican’tstressthatenoughhowsuckyitwas)youstillencouragedme.Becausethat’swhoyouare.That’swhyIloveyouandvalueourfriendshipsomuch.That’swhyyouwillnevergetridofmeandwhyyou’restuckinmyacknowledgements—FOREVER.
Jessica,you’veheldmyhand,pushedmeforward,guidedmethroughthecraziness,toldmewhentochillandtakeabreath,andremindedmewhenIshouldbeproudofmyself.Honestly,IthinkI’dberockinginsomecornerwithoutyou.Thankyou.Andrea,JennandeveryoneatDijkstra,thankyouforyourinfinitepatience(andsorryforcontinuouslycrampingyourinbox).
Kaitlin,IjustreadyournoteontheprintproofsIjustreceivedinthemail,sooverall,I’malittleemotional.Iwon’trepeatthewordsyoudaredwriteaboutmebutIwillsaythathavingyourtrustandfaithinmywordsandworkissomethingIvaluemorethanIcansay.AndsomethingI’mstillcomingtotermswith,notgonnalie.Megan,Katelyn,Morgan,andtheincredibleAtriateam,youguyshavebeenworkingontheclockformonthsnowandIcouldn’tbemoregratefulandthankfultohaveyouinmycorner.ThankstoyouIhaveaccomplishedthingsIneverevendreamedof.
MollyandthemarvellousteamatSimonandSchusterUK,thankyouforalwaysbeingamazingandfortheincrediblejobyouaredoing.ThedayIfinallygettoexperienceseeingmybooksonWaterstones,I’llprobablyfaint.
Mr.B,youoncetoldme“you’renotjustlucky.Forlucktofindyou,youhavetoworkhardandputyourselfouttherefirst”whenIwashavingOneOfThoseDays,andsomehow,thatmanagedtobethemostreassuringthingI’veeverbeentold.Iloveyou.Evenwhenyoudon’tgetmeflowersonreleaseday.Oracover-themedcake?Or,like,apuppy?Honestly,Idon’taskformuch.
Toyou,thereader,hiagain.Thankyouagain.RosieandLucas’sstorywasalittlemoreemotionalandalotmorepersonal,andIreally,reallyhopeyoulovedit.Ialsohopethatif,likeRosieorLucas,youfeellost,orstuck,youdon’tever,everstoppushingforward.Imean,comeon,likeJoeywouldsay,youcan’tgiveup.Isthatwhatadinosaurwoulddo?MorefromtheAuthorTheSpanishLoveDeception
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
ELENAARMASisaSpanishwriter,aself-confessedhopelessromantic,andproudbookhoarder.AfteryearsofdevouringHEAsandtalking—okay,fine,yelling—nonstopaboutthem,shehasfinallytakentheleapanddecidedtocreatesomeofherown.
Shehopesthesestoriesmakeyourheartskipabeatortwo,yourpalmsalittlesweaty,andyourcheeksflushinthatrosypinkthatmakesotherpeoplewanttopeekatthepageyouarereading
SimonandSchuster.com
www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Elena-Armas
@AtriaBooks@AtriaBooks@AtriaBooksALSOBYELENAARMAS
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