The Boyfriend Candidate

PraiseforTheBoyfriendCandidate
“TheBoyfriendCandidatecatchesfire,sizzlesthroughoutandthenburstsintoflames.Highlyrecommend!”
—ABBYJIMENEZ,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofPartofYourWorld
“TheBoyfriendCandidateiseverythingI’veeverwantedinaromance.Charming,swoony,andutterlyunputdownable.ILOVEthisbook!”
—LYNNPAINTER,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofBetterThantheMovies
“TheBoyfriendCandidateisaromanceworthrootingfor:sexyandsweet,withcharactersthatstaywithyoulongafterthelastpage.Icouldn’tputitdown.”
—KATESPENCER,authorofInaNewYorkMinute
“IdevouredTheBoyfriendCandidateinonesitting.AshleyWinsteadeffortlesslycreatescharactersthatarebothflawedandlovable,andaromancethatfeelsbothheightenedandreal—plottedandpacedlikethemastersheis.”
—AVAWILDER,authorofWillTheyorWon’tThey
“Heartfelt,brimmingwithswoon-worthyromanticmoments,andpackedwithsharphumor,TheBoyfriendCandidatedazzledmefromstarttofinish.”
—MEREDITHSCHORR,authorofAsSeenonTV
“AshleyWinsteadhaswrittenmyfavoritekindofopposites-attractromance:thekindwheretheleadsaren’treallyoppositesatall—they’resimplytwodifferenthalvesofthesamewhole.”
—JENDEVON,authorofBendTowardtheSunAshleyWinsteadisanacademicturnednovelistwithaPhDincontemporaryAmericanliterature.ShelivesinHoustonwithherhusband,twocatsandbelovedwinefridge.TheBoyfriendCandidate
AshleyWinstead
Formydad,whoproudlyreadeachbook.Iwillloveandmissyouforever.Contents
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Chapter42
Chapter43
Chapter44
Chapter45
Epilogue
Acknowledgments1AlexisStoneIsNotaMouse
I’llsayonenicethingaboutmyexChrisTuttle:themanwastheentirereasonIwashere,standingattheentrancetothesultryFleurdeLishotelbar,wearingareddresssoplungingIkeptitinthebackofmyclosetforfearofscandalizingvisitors,onthevergeofreinventingmyself.ThememoryofChrisandthestill-freshpsychicwoundshe’dleftmewerelikeamarchingdrumlineurgingmeforwardasI’dleftmyapartment,UbereddowntowntotheFleurdeLis,andcutadeterminedpathacrossthelobbytothebar,aplacewithareputationasAustin’sGrandCentralStationofhookups.Unfortunately,nowthatIwasstandingattheentrance,thesightofallthelaughing,drinking,dazzlingpeople—dressedtothenineslikeme,butlookingmuchmoreateaseaboutit—hadmemomentarilycowed.
IthoughtbacktowhatChrissaidthedayIdiscoveredhewascheatingonme(forthesecondtime):“Idohaveneedsyoucan’tsatisfy.Youshouldreallylearntobemoreadventurousinbed,Lex.You’relikeatimidlittlemouse.Itcangetreallyboring.”Rememberingthosewords,Istraightenedmyshoulders,tookadeepbreath,andsteppedinside.Iwasnotaboringmouse—oratleastIwouldn’tbeoneanymore.Startingtonight,IwasgoingtobeanewversionofAlexisStone:asboldandadventurousasmyflaming-reddress.
Itriedtosoakinthebeautyofthebarwhilebeeliningthroughthecrowdedtables,anxioustoleavethepeculiarspotlightofbeingtheonlypersonstandingamongabunchofcozy,seatedpeople.ButthenIrealizednewAlexiswouldn’tcareifeveryone’seyesflittedtoherasshewalkedacrossaroom—infact,newAlexiswouldwelcomeit,becauseshe’dspentnearlyanhourstraighteningandthenrecurlingherhairintomoviestarringlets,andmaybethateffortshouldbeappreciated.Iforcedmyselftoslowandlookupatthebar’sgorgeousglassceiling,shadedatwinklybluethankstothenightsky.Realpalmtreeslinedthecircularperimeter,frondsreachingtowardthestars.Theymadethebarlooklikeaveryurbaneurbanjungle,whichactuallywasn’ttoofaroffthemark.
Myoldersister,Lee,andherfriendslikedtorolltheireyesattheentiredowntownbarscene,callingplacesliketheFleurdeLis“meatmarketswhereyougotospendthirty-fivebucksonamartiniwhilebeatingbackhornyyuppies”(Lee’swords).TheypreferredthehipsterbarsontheeastsideofAustin,wheretheclientelewascooleryetdirtier(mywords).IthoughttheFleurdeLiswasromantic,soitmadesensetocomeheretonightformycriticalbutonehundredpercentprivatemission:I,AlexisRosalieStone,wasgoingtohavemyfirstone-nightstand.Iwasgoingtosleepwithamanwithnostringsattached,nostakesorexpectations:justonenighttodowhateverfeltright.Alexistheunadventurousbore?I’dkilledherandburiedthebody.
Thegleamingbrassbarwascrowded,butImanagedtoslipashoulderbetweentwomenandcatchthebartender’sattention.“Vodkamartini,”Isaid,feelingasuddenrebelliouscompulsiontodoanythingthatwouldraisemysister’seyebrows.Bythetimemydrinkcame,I’dcompletedafullthree-sixtyswivelinmybarstooltosurveytheseaofmenforpotentialcandidates.Howexactlydidonenegotiateaone-nightstand?Didyouleadwithitinconversationsoallyourcardswereonthetable(“Hi,I’mAlexis;youmightbeinterestedtoknowI’mtrollingforastrangertoravishme”),ordidyouholdback,letyourintentionslipoutatjusttherightmoment(“Iseeyou’reorderinganUberhome;couldIinterestyouingoingsplitsiesbacktomyplaceforawildnightofsex”)?
Ibracedahandonthebar,takingafortifyingsipofmymartini.EvenifImadeacompletefoolofmyselftonight—evenifIwasroundlyrejectedbyeverymanIspoketo—comingherealoneatleastmeantLeeandhercrewcouldn’twitnessmyflop,thenuseittoskewermeforalleternitylikethejackalstheywere.
Awhistlecutthroughthebar’sambientnoise,followedbyaloud,“Nowthat’sadress.”Outofnowhere,amanappearedandsidledupbesideme.Onelookathimandmymindblurtedforehead!Probablybecausehiswasshinyasadiscoball,framedbywagglingeyebrows,andtiltedallthewaytotheside.Thenextsecond,Irealizedhisheadwasturnedthatwaysohecouldgetaclearviewdownmydress.
“Thanks.”Iplacedaprotectivehandovermychestandswiveledintheoppositedirection.Hopingmybodylanguagewouldsignalmydisinterest,Itookanothersipofmymartiniandstudiedtheemptycorneroftheroomlikeitwasfascinating.
Nosuchluck.“I’mCarterRandall,”themansaid,juttingouthishand.“What’syourname?”
Mydeepdesireforhimtogoawaywarredwithmysillylifelongcompulsiontobenice.“Um…”Itwistedbacktoshakehisoddlymoisthandandsearchedforinspiration.Mygazesnagged,ashisclearlyhad,onmydress.“Ruby…”Thenextwordcameunbidden.“Dangerfield.RubyDangerfield.”Cursemypolitehardwiringthathadmesittinghereinventinganewnameinsteadofdismissinghimwithsomethingcoolandclippedlike,“Notinterested.”
Cartergavemyhandalittlesqueeze.Hewastwicemyage,probablywellintohisfifties.Well-dressed,withamassivegoldwatchonhiswrist,and—nowthatIsquinted—astrangelysweatyface,likehe’djustdonealap.Washeonpartydrugs?HeusedhissleevetomophisforeheadandIpulledmyhandaway,resistingtheurgetowipeitonmydress.Carter’seyesdrifteddownthelengthofmybodyyetagain.“Well,Ms.Ruby.CanIbuyyouadrink?Astiffone?”Hegrinned.
“Oh,”Isaid.“That’sverynice.But—um—nothankyou.”Inside,Iburnedwiththefireofathousandsuns.Sayingnotoanyone,evenastranger,stretchedthelimitsofmybravery.
“Aw,comeon.”CarterleanedincloserandIscootedbacksofastInearlytippedover.“Lookatyou,sittingthereinthatdress.Clearlyfishingforattention.Well,youcaughtme.Let’sgetyoudrunkandseewhathappens.”
Apparently,Iwasgoingtogetalessoninhownottopropositionsomeonetonight.Butmycheekswereburning,becauseinasmallwayCarterwasright—Ihadcomeheretoputmyselfondisplayandfindsomeone,justverymuchnothim.BethenewAlexis,Iurgedmyself.Stopprioritizingthisstranger’sfeelingsandtellhimtoleaveyoualone.ButIcouldn’t—attheslightestprovocation,old,sad,doormatAlexishadquicklyjumpedbackincharge.
“I’mnottryingtoberude,”Isaidcarefully,feelingmyheartbeatspike.“Iwouldjustliketobebymyselftonight.”Well,shoot.NowthatI’dcommittedtothat,wouldIhavetoleavethebarsoCarterdidn’tcatchmetalkingtoanyoneelselater?Mypalmsstartedsweating.
“Onedrink—”hestarted.
“Oh,forfuck’ssake,”cameavoice,tingedwithanaccentIcouldn’tplace—BritishmixedwithTexaspanhandle?Inearlyknockedovermymartini.“Shesaidno,mate.Getitthroughyourthickskullandleavethepoorwomanalone.”
Carterspuntogetalookatthemanwho’dinterruptedus,andwithouthisbodyblockingtheview,Igotaclearline,too.Mystomachflippedoverandreleasedaconservatory’sworthofbutterflies.Evenwearingalookofcontempt,themanontheothersideofCarterwasstop-in-your-tracks,tongue-tyinglyhandsome.Hewasaroundmyage,maybealittleolder—hecertainlyradiatedanolderperson’sauthority—withaheadofdarkcurlscutcloseandtight,browneyesthatwerecurrentlyblazing,andthickeyebrowsarched,waitingtoseehowCarterwouldrespond.Hehadonadarksuitlikemostoftheothermenintheroom,buthe’dtakenoffhisjacketandhungitonthebackofhisseat.Hewassittinghunchedoverhisdrinkinawhitedressshirtwiththesleevesmessilyrolledback,wearingadarkslimwatchthatwastheantithesisofCarter’sflashygoldone.Thewrinklesinhissuit,creasesunderhiseyes,andday-oldstubblegavetheimpressionofawearybusinessexecutiveafteralong,harddayatwork.HiseyesflittedtomineforthebriefestmomentbeforereturningtoCarter,butthechargethatrandownmyspinewasenoughtorootmetomychair.
Cartershiftedhisweight.Apparently,hewasgoingtoplaythetoughguy.“Whydon’tyoumindyourbusiness,pal?”
Thebeautiful,tiredmanrolledhiseyes.“Oh,good.You’reoneofthose.”Hegottohisfeetsofasthisbarstoolmadeascreechingsoundasitscrapedacrossthefloor.“Thenlet’sgoaheadandgetthisoverwith,becauseI’vehadashitdayandIwouldliketokickyourassandgetbackhomeatareasonablehour.Socomeon.You’retheonecampaigningforMostPunchableManintheBar.Let’shaveyourprize.”Thedark-hairedmanspokecalmlyandquicklyinhishard-to-placeaccent,likeheinvitedpeopletogettheirasseskickedatleastonceaday.Hemadealittle“comeon”gesturethatconveyedutterboredom.
Peoplearoundushadstoppedtalkingtowatch.TheextraattentiononlymademefeellikeIwasgoingtomeltintothefloorattwicethespeed.ButifIhadnoideahowtorespondtothisturnofevents—whattosayorevenwheretoputmyhands—Carterwasevenmoreclueless.Icouldseehiseyesdancing,doingquickcalculations.Ontheonehand,
“Nah,man.”Carterputhishandsup.“We’vegotnoproblems.Justmakingnewfriendslikeyou’resupposedtoatabar,forChrist’ssake.”
“Great,”saidthedark-hairedman.“Thenkindlyfuckoffassuggested.”
Carterdidn’twaittobetoldathirdtime.Ashehightailedawayfromthebar,awomannearbymuttered,“Whatadouche.”Andwiththatjudgmentrendered,theroomdialedbacktoanormalvolume.
“Thankyou,”Isaidtothedark-hairedman.Hewavedmeoffwithagruntandsettledbackinhisbarstool,leaningcomfortablyoverhisdrink,apparentlyhopingtoresumehisnightlikenothinghadhappened.
Istaredathim.Theadrenalinewasdrainingoutofmysystem,whichleftmefeelinghollow.IshouldhavebeentheonetotellCartertofuckoff.Ishouldhavehadtheguts,butinsteadI’dtiptoedaroundandthismanhadtostepinanddoitforme.Howhumiliating.Ithitmelikeatonofbricks:fromthemomentCarterarrived,I’dbeenunequivocallymousy.ExactlylikeChrissaid.
AsanintrovertedVirgo,Ioftenhadtoremindmyselftonotletspeculationsandanxietiesaboutotherpeople’sthoughtsandfeelingsderailmylife.Ingeneral,Iwasusedtoittakingalongtimeformybraintoletgoofahurtfulcomment.ButChris’swordshadfarexceededwhatanyrationalpersonwouldconsidertheirrightfulexpirationdateboringandtimid,itfinallyhitmethatthereasonIcouldn’tshakeChris’swordswasbecausedeepdown,Ibelievedthem.
LittledidmyexknowthatI’dlongsuspectedtherewassomethinglackingaboutme—thatwhenitcamedowntoit,Isimplywasn’tveryinteresting,smart,orbold,andthisdeficiencywasthereasonIcouldneverquitemeasureuptomyheadline-makingsister,thesecond-youngestwomaneverelectedtotheTexasstatelegislature.Ormoveforwardinmycareer,ormakeasolidgroupoffriends,orkeepsomeoneromanticallyinterested,nomatterhowhardItried.Chrishadnocluehewasspeakingmysecretfearintolife,thatwhenhesuggestedtherewassomethingwrongwithme,Iwouldn’targuebutagree.Ofcoursetherewas.Itwasn’thardtoseewhenyouputmenexttoLee,whowasbrave,ambitious,andtake-charge,doingimportantthingstochangetheworld,withavibrantlovelifeandride-or-diegroupoffriendstomatch.PeoplelikeLeeinspiredloyalty:everyonewantedtobearoundthem.I’dknownfromayoungagethedifferencesbetweenus,butI’dneverbeenresentful.Leemight’vebecomeaherotoalotoflittlegirls,butshewasmyherofirst.ShewastheNorthStarI’dpointedmylifetowardsinceIwasyoung.
SoitwasalmostamercyChrishadthegutstotellmeIwasadudinbed.Whilesurelynottheonlythinglackingaboutme,itwasatleastsomethingIcouldfix.Aftermonthsofwallowing,Iwasfinallyreadytotakethebullbythehornsandbecomesomeoneworldlyandexciting.I’dbeboldinbedifitkilledme—which,quitehonestly,judgingbyhowthisnightwasgoing,itmight.
I’dnowbeenstaringatthedark-hairedmanforanembarrassinglylongtime,buthedidn’tseemtonotice,focusedashewasonhisdrink.SoIsummonedallmycourageandthoughtWWLD:WhatWouldLeeDo?
“Sir,”Isaid.Oh,badstart.WasItwelve?Tryagain.“Um,youthere,intheshirt.Withthe—sleeves.I’dliketobuyyouadrink.”2TheGamble
Surprised,thedark-hairedmanturnedtome,andthereitwasagain:theelectricreaction,lightningthroughmybody.“Notnecessary.”Hisvoicewasgruff.“Sittingnexttothatguywasruiningmynight,too.Itwasaself-servingact,trustme.Besides,hewouldn’thavefoughtme.Guyslikethatfoldwhenchallenged.”
“Oh,okay,”Isaid.“Great.”Iwassmilingandnoddinglikehe’djustsaidsomethingterriblyagreeableinsteadofoutrightrejectingme.Oh,God:he’drejectedme.Confidenthe’dalreadyturnedbacktohisdrink,Ilookeddownatthebarandwidenedmyeyesinsilenthorroratmyreflectioninthebrass.
“Uh,”hesaid.Myheadsnappedup.Hewas,infact,stillwatchingme.Hisvelvet-browneyestrackedfrommyfrozenfacetomyhunchedshoulders.Herubbedcontemplativelyatthestubbleonhisjaw.“Okay.Yeah,youknowwhat?I’lltakethatdrink.Thanks.”
Hewould?“Bartender!”Icalled,alittledesperate.Thebartenderwasheadingtotheothersideofthebar,meaningI’dhavetowaitinexcruciatinglyawkwardsilencenexttothedark-hairedmanifIdidn’tmakethishappennow.
Thankfully,thebartenderstoppedandnodded.“Anothermartini?”
“Yes.Anda—”Iglancedattheman.
“Whiskey,neat.Whatever’scheapworks.”Whenthebartendershotoff,thedark-hairedmanturnedbacktome.“I’mLogan,bytheway.”Thewayhesaiditandthenwatchedme,asifwaitingforsomereaction,threwmeabit,butIsmiledanyway.“I’m—”
“Ruby.Yeah,Iheard.Kindofimpossiblenotto,sorry.”
Oops.DidIcorrectthelieandlooklikeaweirdo?Athoughtoccurredtome:ItmightnotbetoolatetomakethisnightwhatIwanted.MaybeIcouldstillbewhoIwanted—which,tobeclear,wasanyoneotherthantheoldAlexis.“That’sright,”Isaid,settlingbackinmybarstool.“RubyDangerfield.”
Logan’smouthquirked,butatleastIhadn’thadwhateverreactionhe’dbeenbracingfor,becausehisshouldersrelaxed.“Whatbringsyououtamongthegoonsandbuffoonstonight,Ruby?”
“It’sthetwo-yearanniversaryofthenightmyexcheatedonme,”Isaid,shockingmyself.ItturnedoutRubywasforthright.
Thebartenderslidourdrinksacrossthebar.Loganpickeduphistumblerandtippeditinmydirection.“Well.Cheers,then.It’stheone-yearanniversaryofthenightArsenalcrushedTottenhamontheirhometurf.”
“What?”
“Sorry,”hesaid.“Justtryingtothinkofsomethingequallydepressing.”
Laughterburstfromme.“Yes,I’msurethatmust’vebeenveryhardforyou.”Okay,thesoccerreferencetoldmeI’dbeenrightabouthisaccent:themanwasclearlyBritish.
“Damnnearcrushedme.Comeon.”Loganslippedoffhisbarstool,noddingtowardthecrowdedtables.“Atablejustopened.Ifthat’sthereasonyou’rehere,you’reclearlylookingtotieoneon.Beentheremyself.Wecan’thaveanymorejerksbotheringyouwhileyou’reonasacredmissiontowipesomefuckerfromyourmemory.”
Hetookoffwithoutwaitingforme,justscoopedhisjacketandmarchedinthedirectionofasmalltableinthecorner,nearlyhiddenunderthefrondsofasweepingpalm.Ididn’tthinktwice.Giventhechoicebetweensittingaloneatthebar—technically,whatI’dcomeheretodo—orremaininginthecocoonofthisstrangelyacerbicman,Ichosethecocoon.
IdroppedintothechairacrossfromLoganandherestedhiselbowsonthetable,leaningovertotiphisdrinkatme.“Arealtoastthistime.Tofreshstarts.”
Iclinkedhisglass,feelingthebutterfliesswoopanddive.Iwasclosertohimnow,separatedbynothingmorethanasmallcirculartable,soIcouldseethetinydetailsofhisface:thesoot-darklashestippingtowardhisstrongbrow,theamberringaroundhispupils,theCupid’sbowofhisupperlip,toppinghiswrysmile.Ishiftedunderneaththetableandmykneeslidagainsthis,rubbingthesmoothfabricofhispants.Ijerkeditawayandtookanoverlargesipofmydrink.
“So,”Isaid,onceI’dnearlydrainedthemartini.“Doyoucomehereoften?”Hedidn’tseemthetype,butwhatiftheFleurdeLiswashisroutinehookupspotsameaseveryoneelse?
Loganpausedmidsipandgrinned,teethdazzling.IrealizedwhatI’dsaidandcouldactuallyfeelmyselfturningred.“That’sapickupline,isn’tit?”
“Oneoftheoldestinthebook.Youknow,ifyouleavenow,IthinkyoucancatchupwithyourfriendCarter.”
Igroaned,coveringmyface.“Iwasgenuinelycurious!”
Hissmileremainedwolfish.“No,Icomeherenever.Butit’sonlyafewblocksfrommyoffice,andIhadalongdayatwork.Neededtodrownmyselfinwhiskeysomewherewithinstumblingdistance.Voilà,theFleurdeLis.”Heglancedaround.“Turnsoutthisplaceisascene.”
Thebarhadgrownevenmorecrowdedsincewe’dleft,andtheoverflowmilledaroundus,peoplewaitingtheirturn.Oneguyinparticularseemedoblivioustoourpresencebehindhim—hekeptedgingsoclosehisbuttbrushedmyarm.Loganeyedhimdisapprovingly.
“WorkingonaSaturday,huh?”Hehadtobewhat,aninvestmentbanker?AlawyerlikeLee’sboyfriend,Ben?Somehigh-stakescorporatejobwithnowork-lifebalance.Helookedthetype.
Loganrubbedtiredlyathiseyes.“Ifitwasn’tmydreamjob,I’dhavequitagesago.Oi,”hebarkedsuddenly,justasthehoveringguyknockedmyarm.“Watchit!”Theguyglancedbackatussheepishlyandmovedaway.
Ileanedoverandbracedmyelbowsonthetable.“Youreallyhavenofear,doyou?Youjustsaywhateveryou’rethinking.”
“Sorry.Bornthisway,asmymumlikestosay.BigfanofLadyGaga,her.”
“Yourmum…farawayinEngland?”
Hismouthquirked.“HereinTexas.Mymum’sBelarusianandmydad’sBritish.TheybothemigratedfromtheUKayearbeforeIwasbornandsetupshopdowninOdejo.”
“Ah.”Thatexplainedhisaccent.Itwasclear,crisp,liltedenunciationonemomentandgrowledtwangthenext.EnglandmeetsTexas.Whollyuniqueandbeautifultolistento.
Hesighed.“Yes,I’moneofthoseclassicBritishTexansyouseeeverywhere.Mychildhoodhomewasahobbitholeonacattleranchandweatenothingbutfish,chips,andbrisketgrowingup.”
“BecarefulorI’llbelieveyou.”
“Odejotrieditsdamnedesttomakemeacowboy,I’lladmit,butIguesssomeBritishismsstuck.Mostly,mymum’sslangandmydad’sobsessionwiththeHotspurs.”
“That’sanothersoccerreference,Ipresume.”
Helookedaffrontedbymyignorance.
“Forwhatit’sworth,Ithinkyourbluntnessiskindofamazing.”
Hedrainedhisdrinkanddroppeditonthetable.“Yeah,well,pleaseinformmycolleagues.Prettysureit’sshavedyears,ifnotdecades,offtheirlives.”Hecopiedme,leaningoverandplacinghiselbowsonthetable,lacinghisfingerstogether.Ourclaspedhandsweremereinchesapart.Icouldeasilyliftafingerandstrokethebackofhishand.Washisskinsoft?Hehadlong,elegantfingersbutcallusedknuckles.Thesuddenvisionofhishandsmovingroughlyupmystomachtocupmybreastssentastabofelectricitythroughme.Icrossedmylegstighterunderthetable.
“Sowhat,then?”Logan’sgazegrewmoreintense.“You’renotinthehabitofspeakingyourmind?AwomanwithanamelikeRubyDangerfield,whogoesouttocelebratedumpingherex,wearingthatdress—Ismellbullshit.”
Iglanceddown.“Youlikethedress?”TechnicallyCarterhadlikedit,too,butthecomplimentwasdifferentcomingfromLogan.
Oureyeslockedacrossthetable.Heclearedhisthroatandhalfstood,shovingbackhischair.“Yeah,well—youwantanotherdrink?”
“Ithoughtyouweretryingtogethomeatareasonablehour?”Companionshipaside,I’dfeelbadifIruinedLogan’snightafterhesavedmine.
Heshrugged.“Onemorewon’tkillme.”
“ThenI’llhavewhatyou’rehaving.Whiskey.”
Hiseyesjumpedtomine,andhelookedlikehewantedtosaysomething.Butallthatcameoutwas,“Rightback.”
Iwatchedhimelbowhiswaythroughthecrowdandmakeittothebarinrecordspeed,laughingtomyselfasheflaggeddownthebartender’sattentionaheadofhalfadozenpeoplewhoturnedtohiminoutrage,whichheroundlyignored.Itwasamazing:I’dmanagedtofindmypolaropposite.Butourdifferencesweren’taggravating:infact,simplybeingaroundLoganfeltliketakingamentalvacation.Withoutanyonenearbytojudge,Iletmyselfstudyhim,lingeringoverthelinesofhisbody,hisfaceinprofile.Hewasn’tbulky,buthiswhite-collaredshirtpulledtautacrosshisshoulders,tightestovertheswellofhisbicepsasheleanedagainstthebar.Hisshirtwastuckedsmartlyintobeltednavypantsthatwerefittedenoughtoshow—oh.Hisasswasroundandfirm,thekindyoufoundonbaseballorsoccerplayers,menwhoworkedforit.
Ibitmylip—whowasIrightnow?Ineverlustedlikethis.Ihadn’tevenrealizedIwascapableofit.WhenImetaguy,Icertainlynoticedwhetherhewasattractiveornot,butI’dneverhadthiskindofvisceralreaction.WasitLogan’sbrashnessIwasrespondingto,mybodysoakingitupandreflectingitbacklikeamirror?OrhadIsimplymorphedintoacaricatureofasex-deprivedwoman?Eitherway,itfeltgood,likesomeonehadflippedaswitchtoremagnetizeme,thesuddenbuzzingattractionproofthatIwasverymuchalive.EvenbetterthatLoganwassowildlyoutofmyleague:Icouldsimplysitbackandadmirehimforadmiration’ssake.
Iwasstillcontemplatingthiswhenheturned,twowhiskeysinhand,wearinganexpressionofsuchgreatannoyanceitwaslikehe’dheardmyinnermonologue.Despitehisexpression,mychestwarmedatthethoughtthathewasmakinghiswaybacktome,outofallthepeopleinthebar.
“Assholes,”hepronounced,slidingmydrinktome.“Upthereatthebarcomplainingabouthavingtorefurbtheircompany’soilrigsbecauseofenvironmentalrules.Boo-hoo,it’sgoingtocostyoualittleextramoneyinexchangefornotpoisoningtheplanet.Getoverit.”
HesoundedjustlikeLee,whichIfoundendearing.Igrinnedandsippedmydrink,preparedtohearallaboutit,buthiseyesfollowedthedrinktomymouthandhisannoyedexpressiondropped,replacedbyaguiltysmile.Itmadesmallwrinklesframehiseyeslikecommas.Hiseyesweresuchawarm,richbrown.Itwasamazinghowmuchhecouldconveywiththem.Nowtheyradiatedasly,amusedknowing.
“Any-way,”hesaid,drawingitout.“Ontomoreimportantthings.I’vetoldyouaboutme.NowIwanttoknoweverythingaboutyou,fromthedayyouwereborntothemomentyouwalkedintothisbar.Thegood,thebad,theugly,theexes.Unpackyourself,RubyDangerfield.I’mpreparedtobefascinated.”
Ilaughedtocoverthesuddensharpache.AlexisStone,thebore.Iwantedsobadlytoimpressthismagneticstranger.Butobviously,myreallifewouldn’tcutit.Awildharestruckme.“Youmean…youwanttohearhowmyparentsconceivedmeonamotorcycletouraroundAmerica,andmymomgavebirthtomeatthemouthofNiagaraFalls?”
Logan’seyebrowsshotup.“Really?”
Myheartraced.Justlikethat,Iwasfascinating.Sure,Iwaslying,butwhatdidlyingmatteronanightI’dspecificallycarvedouttobeablipinreality,anislandoftimedisconnectedfromeveryotherday?IwouldneverseeLoganoranyofthesepeopleagain.Icoulddoanything.Whynottryonanotherlifeforafewhours?
“Waituntilyouhearaboutmysiblings,”Isaid,settlingbackinmychair.“I’mtheoldestofsix,andoneofthemisanhonest-to-Godinternationalspy.AnotherknowsOprah.”
IproceededtotalkmoreinonestraightshotthanIeverhadinmylife.ItoldLoganstoryafterstory—itturnedoutitwasmucheasiertotalkwhenIwaspretendingtobeRuby.DuringonestretchIranoutofideasandhadtoborrowplotlinesfromthefirstbookthatcametomind,apopularchildren’sfantasynovelaboutdragonhunters(oneofthehazardsofbeingachildren’slibrarian),simplyprayingLoganhadn’treadCharlieCooperandtheHuntfortheMysticalDragon’sEgg.Mostly,though,Ifoundmyselftellinghimtruestories,withtheedgesblurred—mypastactionsmoreheroic,mycomebackswittier,methestaroftheshenanigansandmysiblingsthesidekicks,allthewaysI’dwishedlifehadgone.Itwasexhilaratingtobeonthissideofthestorytellingforonce.
Unsurprisingly,Loganwasnotapassivelistener—heburstinwithquestions,forcedmetostopwhenhelaughedsohardheshookthetable,andmademepausemidsentencesohecouldgofetchanotherround,thenanother.TimedilatedintoawarmfuzzystretchuntilbeforeIknewit,thelightsintheFleurdeLishaddimmedandthecrowdhadthinnedtousandamanwho’dfallenasleepinhisbarstool,snoringlikeabear.
“Shit.”Loganwipedhisfaceandglancedaround.“Whattimeisit?”Ipointedathiswatchtoremindhimhewaswearingone,andhejerkedittohisface,thenblanched.“Doyouwantthetruth,or—”Hegrimaced.“Aliethatmakesyoufeelbetter?”
Isighedandleanedbackinmychair,feelingtheplungingVofmydresspulltightagainstmychest.Loganclearedhisthroat,droppinghiseyes.“Honestly,”Isaid.“Givemethebeautifullie.”
“Comeon.”Herosetohisfeetandextendedahand.“I’llwalkyouout.”
IseizedhishandandheyankedmewithmorestrengththanI’dexpected.Insteadofstoppingupright,IsailedforwardsofastIhadtogriphisshoulderssoIdidn’tendupflushagainsthim.“Whoathere,”hemurmured,lookingdownatthesmallspacebetweenus.Hedippedhishead,hisnosebrushingmine.
“Sorry.”Ireleasedhimandsteppedback.“Lostmybalance.”Iturnedtopickupmypurseandshivered,afull-bodyreactiontohavingbeenthatclosetohim.WhenIturnedback,Loganwasholdinguphisnavysuitjacket.
Ishookmyhead.“I’mokay—”
Heshookthejacketsothesleevesdanced.“Comeon.Icanseeyourgoosebumps.”
ObviouslyIcouldn’ttellhimthegoosebumpsweretheresultofmeetingthemeretipofhisnose,soIdippedinsidethejacket.Logandrapeditcarefullyovermyshoulders,lettingittraillikeacape.Itwasshotthroughwithhisscent,whichhadtobeanexpensivecologne:subtlebutplayful,notjustwoodsycedarbutnotesofsomethingsweeter,likeberries.Everythingabouthimwasamixofunexpectedthings.Itookadeepbreathandwrappedthejackettighter.Logantippedhisheadinthedirectionofthedoor,hiseyebrowsraisedinquestion.
Myheelsmadequietclippingsoundsaswestrodeacrosstheemptylobby.TheinsideoftheFleurdeLiswasallmarblefloorsandornatebrass-pipedceilings,likeacrossbetweenacathedralandafancy,old-timebank.Isighed.
“What?”Loganglancedoveraswewalked.
“Ijustlovethisplace.It’ssoromantic.”
Itwasfunny,butaswenearedthelargeglassdoorsthatseparatedthehotelfromthestreet,IrealizedIwashappy.Almostgiddy.EventhoughIhadn’tsucceededattheonethingI’dcomeheretodo,therewassomethingaboutthelastfewhoursspenttalking,beingthesolefocusofsomeone’sattention,thatleftmefeelingthewayI’dhopedaone-nightstandwould:confident,interesting,andliberated.InanunexpectedwayIwasleavingwithexactlywhatI’dcomefor.Wasitpossibletohaveanemotionalorgasm?
Loganstoppedbytheglassdoorsandshookouthishands—which,ifIdidn’tknowhewasn’tthetypetogetnervous,I’dcallanervoustic.“YoucallinganUber?Wantmetowait?”
Ishookmyhead.I’dalreadyeatenupsomuchofhisnight.TherewasnowayI’dcontinuetoimpose.“Don’tworryaboutit.”Ituggedoffhisjacketandletithangoffthehookofmyfinger.Loganshruggeditbackonandpaused,headtilted.Hesmiled.“Itsmellslikeyounow.Flowersandlemons.”Hetappedafingertohistemple.“Strategicthinker.”
Icrackedalaugh.Flowersandlemons,meetwoodsandberries.Averitableforestbetweenus.Westoodlookingateachotherforamoment.“Well…”Irockedonmyfeet,awkwardagain.
“Right.”Loganrubbedhisjaw.“So,diditwork?”
“Didwhatwork?”
“Didyouforgetabouthim?Yourex?”
Ismiled.“Yes.Thankyou.Quiteacharitableserviceyouprovided.”
“Well,then.”Hesteppedcloseandcuppedahandtothebackofmyhead.“Goodnight,Ruby.”Hepressedaquickkisstomyforehead,hislipsthereandgone.
Maybeitwasthealcohol,ortheintoxicantofbeingstoodupforandthenlistenedto,butbeforemymindcouldcatchup,mybodywasreachingoutforsomethingIhadnobusinesshopingfor.
“Logan.”Itookadeepbreathandpulledhissleeve,turninghimbackaround.Andtheneverythinghappenedquickly:Ibroughtmyhandstocuphisface,hiseyebrowsliftedinsurprise,andIkissedhim,tastingthewarmsoftnessofhismouth,feelingthescratchofhisstubble.Ipulledawayandlookedup,heartdrumming,waitingforhisresponse.yes.Hishandfoundthebackofmyheadashechasedmymouth,deepeningthekissMore,histouchsaid,andthenextthingIknewhe’dliftedmeoffthefloor,bracinganarmagainstmybacktokeepmeclose,hisotherhandtanglinginmyhair.
Histongueinmymouthshotwhite-hotelectricitythroughme,allthelustthathadbeensimmeringallnightboilingover,andIthought,Hewouldkisslikethis.Exactlyhowhetalks.Iwrappedalegaroundhisknee,urginghimcloser,everyinchofmyskincharged,nearlytorturedwithsensation.HekissedmebacksohungrilyIhadtobreakawaytogaspforair.
I’ddoneit:I’dbecomeadifferentperson.OldAlexis,whoneverwould’vekissedsomeonewithsuchabandoninapublicplace,hadburnedtoash,givingrisetoanewAlexiswhoseonlycarewaskissingthisbrashstrangerasmuchasshecouldbeforeheleft.
Theclackofapproachingfootstepsonthemarblefloors,however,workedlikeabucketofice.IwrenchedbackfromLogan,managingtosay,“Public,”eveninmybreathlessness.Henodded,agreeingwithmygoodsense,thenimmediatelytosseditaside,kissingmesofiercelyItippedbackward.
Hiseyesweremoltenwhenwerighted.“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”hewhispered.
Well—IwasRubyDangerfieldtonight.SoIansweredhonestly,pressingthewordsintothecolumnofhisthroat.“Idon’twanttostop.”
“Mmm,”hehummed,andIfeltthevibrationagainstmylips.Hewrenchedbackfromme,castingasweepinggazearoundthelobby.Ifeltamomentarydisappointmentatthenewspacebetweenusthatendedwhenhiseyesfellbackonme,burningwithaquestion.“Thenpleasetellme,”hesaidthickly,“thatyouwanttogetaroom.”3CodeRed
Hereitwas.LoganwasaskingifIwantedtohaveaone-nightstand.TheexactthingI’dcomefor,withthelastpersonI’dthoughtwasanoption.Athrillracedupmyspine.“Yes,”Isaid,puttingalltheweightIcouldintotheword.
Hegrippedmyhandandtuggedmetowardthefrontdesk,movingsofastIhadtoskipalittletokeepup.Aswewalked,hetwinedhisfingersthroughmine.
“Hi,”hesaidtothesmallblondewomanbehindthedesk.Sheblinkedandsmiledatus,asifcaptivatedbythepossibilityofwhatwemightsaynext.
“Doyouhaveanyroomsavailable?”Loganflippedopenhiswalletandslidoutacard.
“Oh,letme—”Istarted,butstoppedwhenhisprotestingscoffactuallyechoedoffthewalls.
Thewomanatthedesksmiledwider,clickingherkeyboard.“Unfortunately,we’realmostfullybooked.Butwedohavethegovernor’ssuiteavailable.”
Logantensed.“Thewhat?”
“Governor’ssuite,”sherepeated.“NamedinhonorofGovernorGroverMane.We’rebigUTfootballfansaroundhere.”
ThemandeveryoneelseinAustin.ItwasnowonderGroverManehadbeenabletotransitionhislegendaryLonghornfootballcareerintoapoliticalposition.Thegovernorwasasometimesfriendofmysister,wholikedhimforbeingamoreprogressiveRepublican.
“Godhasasenseofhumor,huh?”Loganlookedupattheceiling,asifexpectingananswer.Hesnorted.“Allright.We’lltakeyourridiculouslynamedsuite.Here’smycard.”
“Great,”shechirped,turningthecomputerscreentofacehim.“Andhere’sthenightlycharge.”
“GoodGod,”Loganburstout.“Whatisit,madeofgold?”Helookedatmewithanincredulousexpression,wantingmetosharehisoutrage,andIcouldn’thelpit—Ilaughed.Thing#958thismanhadsaidtonightthatIwouldn’tsayinamillionyears,nomatterhowmuchIwantedto.Hiseyescaughtonmysmileandheturnedbacktothewomanwitharesignedsigh.“Okay.Goaheadandfleeceme.”
“Nameontheroom?”
“JohnSmith.”Iquirkedmybrowsathim,butheonlyarchedhisbackatme.Apparentlywewerebothplayingdifferentpeopletonight.
Mynervesbubbledoverwaitingfortheelevatordoorstoopen.Loganslidanarmaroundmywaist,pinningmetohim,andhisthumbdrewanimpatientcircleonmyribcage.AllIwantedwastoignorethewomanwatchingfromthedeskandkisshimsenseless.
Theelevatordoorsdingedopenandwestrodeinside,casualandslow.Restedourbacksagainstthewall,sidebyside.“Lovelyweatherwe’rehaving,”hesaid,aswewatchedtheelevatordoorsinchtogether.Thewomanatthefrontdeskwaved.
Thenthedoorsclosed.
InonefluidmovementLoganjammedthebuttonfortheeighthfloorandliftedmeontothehandrail.ItwassofastIbarelyhadtimetocatchmybreath,butwhoneededair?TonighttheonlythingIcaredaboutwashismouth,searingkissesdownmynecktotheplungingdipinmydress.Henudgedmylegsapartandsteppedbetweenthem,pressingagainstme.WhenIrockedmyhips,hegrippedthemandpulledmecloser.
“Bossy,”Ibreathed.
“Driven,”hecountered.
Toosoon,theelevatordoorschimedandslidopen.Westumbleddownthehall,makingterribletime,stoppingtokissagainstthewall,practicallyfallingovereachother.Hazily,Ithought,NowonderLeeinsistedIdothis.Finally,Loganstoppedatourroom,swipedthekey,andwewereinside,lightsspringingtolifeoftheirownfancyvolition.
“Whoa,”Imurmured.ThiswasthebiggesthotelroomI’deverseen,nearlyasbigasmyapartment,withafireplaceinthelivingroom,floor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingdowntownAustin,andaspiralstaircaseascendingtoasecondfloor.
But—priorities.“Comehere,”Isaid,andLoganobeyed,shuttingthedoorandstridingtome,droppinghisjacketandunbuttoninghisshirtashemoved.Islidmyhandsoverhisbarechest,curlingmyfingersinthesmalldustingofdarkhairthere,sointoxicatedbyhim,inhibitionssweptawayinthefaceofmyhunger.Hepressedhislipstominewithasmallgrowlinthebackofhisthroat.
“I’mgoingto—”ButLogan’snextwordsweredrownedinanear-splittingnoise.
“Whatisthat?”Iyelled,pressingmyhandsovermyears.
“Firealarm,”heshouted.“FuckingA.”Hewrestledthedooropen.Thehallwasfloodedwithpeople.“Hey,”Logancalled.“What’sgoingon?”
OutofnowhereamancamestreakingdownthehallwayinnothingbutawhiteT-shirtandpolka-dotboxers,hisfacebrightredandsweaty.“It’snotadrill!”heshrieked.“It’sarealfire.Godsaveus!”Thenheflunghimselfagainsttheemergencyexitdooranddisappeared.Foramoment,thepeopleinthehallwaysimplystoodstunned.Thenayounggirlclutchingateddybearburstintotears,anditwaslikeastartinggunatthebeginningofarace:everyonestartedrunning.
“Shit,”Logansaid,hisexpressiondark.“Webettergetoutofhere.Hurry.”
Itookhiscueandracedbehindhimdownthehall,rezippingmydressasImoved.Loganpunchedopentheemergencyexitdoorandwefroze,staringdownthebarrelofeightlongflightsofstairs.Cursethegovernor’ssuiteanditsposhelevatedaddress.
“Takeoffyourheels,”hesaid.“You’llnevermakeitdown.”
“I’llbefine.”Ishovedhimforward.“Nowgo—we’rethelastpeople.”
Hetookoffdownthestairslikeafootballplayerintraining,hittingeverystepwithspeedandprecision.Asforme,I’dbeenlyingabouttheheels.IneverworethemandwasluckyIhadn’ttrippedwhilesittingatthebar.IclutchedtherailingandtriedtoshimmydownsidewaysasbestIcould.OccasionallyIcouldhearLogangrumblethingslike,“OfallthenightsI’vebeggedforanalarmtosaveme,youchosethisone.”
Then,somewherebetweenflightsfiveandfour,Ilandedtoohardonthesideofmyfootandcrumpledtothestairs,sharppainshootingthroughmyankle.“Shit!”
Halfastaircasebelowme,Loganwhippedaroundanddashedbackup.“Whathappened?”
“Twistedit,”Iyelled.Thefirealarmwasstillgoing,andevenintheenclosedstaircase,theshrillblastranginmyears.Ifoughtthesuddenurgetocry—notbecauseofthepain,butbecauseI’dcommittedthemortifyingfauxpausofbecomingaburden.“Goonwithoutme,”Icalled.
“Oh,fortheloveofGod.”Loganswoopeddown,scoopingmeintohisarms.“Holdon.”
Thiswascompletelyunnecessary.Humiliating,even.Iclungtohimaswebounceddownthestairsataremarkablyfastclip,tryingnottofeelindecentasIpressedmycheekagainsthischest,stillbarethankstohisunbuttonedshirt,andsnucksecrethitsofhiswoodsy-berryscent.Finally,wehittheendofthestaircaseandLogankickedthedoor.Itdidn’tbudge.
“Youpickedthewrongnight,”heyelled,andkaratekickedit.Thedoorflungopen.
Lights,sirens,andpeoplefloodedthestreet.Therewerefiretrucksandambulanceseverywhere,pajama-cladhotelguestsandfrenziedhotelstaffbuzzingaround,resistingattemptsatbeingherdedbyfiremen.Acrossthestreet,acrowdofspectatorshadgathered,theirheadstiltedup.LoganandIturnedinthesamedirectionandfoundthemagnificentspiredtopoftheFleurdeLisablaze,flameslightingthenightsky.
“OhmyGod,”Imurmured.“Itreallyisonfire.”
Logansqueezedmetighter.“Hey,”hecalledtosomeonewholookedlikeahotelemployee.“Whathappened?”
“They’resayingitwasafreaklightningstrikeduringthestorm.”Themanshookhishead.“Whataretheodds,right?”
“Whatstorm?”Iasked.
Thehotelemployeefrownedatme.“Itrainedforhours.Youdidn’thearit?”
ChalkoneuptothepoweroftheLogan-and-boozebubble.Speakingof.Ituggedhisshirtsleeve.“Youcanputmedownnow.It’sgettingembarrassing.”Ididn’ttellhimmyanklebarelythrobbedanymore,forfearhe’dthinkI’dorchestratedthewholethingforafreeride.
“Holdthatthought,”hesaid,andtookoffinthedirectionoftheambulances.
IpushedathisshoulderslikehewassomesortofvehicleIcouldsteer.“IsaidI’mfine!”
Fineornot,thenextthingIknew,Iwassittingontheedgeofanambulancewithmyarmscrossedwhileaparamedicturnedmyanklefromsidetoside,examiningit.“Minimalswelling,”shepronounced.
IgaveLoganapointedlook,butherolledhiseyes.“Yeah,yeah.Itooamanadultwhopridesmyselfonshirkingmyhealth,but—”Hisattentioncaughtonsomethingbehindme,andhetrailedoff.Ileanedoutoftheambulancetogetalook,andjumpedbackwhenlightsflashedinmyeyes.Thewallofpeopleacrossthestreetweretakingpictures.Nowonder—thehotelfirewasasighttobehold.Itwouldprobablymakethenews.
IturnedbacktofindLoganwhiteasasheet.Heclawedathisshirt,scramblingtorebuttonit.“Oh,fuck.Fuck,fuck,fuck.”
“What’swrong?”
Heignoredmeandturnedtotheparamedic.“She’sgoingtobeokay?”Hespokeattwicehisnormalvolumeandwitharushedfranticness,likehewashoppeduponspeed.
Theparamedicnodded,eyeinghimquizzically.“Rightasraininadayortwo.”
“Okay.”Hegrippedmyshoulders.“Sorry,Ihavetogo.Rightnow.”
Myeyeshadtobewideassaucers.“What’shappening?”Hewasgoingtoleave?
No,hewascurrentlyleaving,alreadytwistingawayfromme.Iwatchedinopen-mouthedamazementasthemanI’dbeenabouttosleepwithturnedhisbackonmeandboltedawayasfastashislegscouldcarryhim.
Asheroundedtheblock,theparamedicandIturnedtostareateachother.“Girl,”shesaid.“Whatdidyoudo?”4L’EnfantTerrible
Despitethefactthatwe’dbeendownsizedafewyearsagotomakeroomforthetrendierengineeringlab,andwerenowsquishedintoashoebox-sizedhobbitholethatsmelledfaintlyofmothballsandcouldbarelycontainourimpressivebeanbagcollection,therewasnoplaceonearthIlovedmorethantheBartonSpringsElementaryschoollibrary.We’dgottenanewshipmentofbooksinthismorning,soI’darrivedearlytoputtogetheraCoolNewReadsdisplaysplatteredwithametrictonofglitter.I’dlearnedalotofimportantlessonsinmyfiveyearsasanassistantlibrarian,andoneofthemwasthattherateatwhichmystudentspickedupbookswasdirectlyproportionaltotheamountofsparkleIusedinadvertisingsaidbooks.Humansdevelopedtheirshiny-objectfetishesatanearlyage.
Iwashotgluegunningtomyheart’scontent—whileavoidinganythoughts,whatsoever,aboutmydisastrousattemptataone-nightstandthispastweekend—whenIheardthetelltalesoundsofstudentsarriving,akathetramplingofasmallherdofelephants.IshiftedsoIcouldspythemthroughagapinthebookshelf.NotonlywasitimportantthatI,astheireducator,keepaneyeonthem,butIgenuinelylovedthesightofstudentscurlingupandgettinglostinabook.WhenIwasakid,booksweremylife—or,asLeewouldjoke,myentirepersonality.True,IdidoncewalkhomefromthelibrarywithapileofbooksstackedsohighIcouldn’tseeandbeelinedstraightintoatree.AndIdidusedtorequestmyfamilycallmebythenamesofmyfavoritenovelheroines(whichIstillmaintainwasanadorablequirk,despitemyfamily’sinsistenceotherwise).It’sjustasfarbackasIcanremember,I’vebeenfascinatedbyotherpeople,butterrifiedbyhowhardtheycanbetonavigate.Bookspresentedtheperfectsolution:youcouldfollowfriendsonscoresofadventureswithouthavingtoworryaboutsayingthewrongthing.
Thegroupofstudentswho’dfiledintothelibraryslungtheirbackpacksdownandfloppedontothebeanbagchairsI’dcarefullyarrangedintoacircle—atightcircle,sincewhatusedtobeourBeanbagCornerhadturned,post-downsize,intoourBeanbagCranny.Irecognizedthegirlsimmediately:Sable,Larkyn,Brynlee,and—surprisingly—Mildred.Sable,Larkyn,andBrynleewerepopularsixthgraders,withSableastheringleader,butMildredwasashygirlwhospentaninordinateamountoftimeinthelibraryalone.Akindredspirit,youmightsay.Myheartwarmedtoseehertakeninbythecoolkids.
Sablepunchedheryellowbeanbagchairandfrowned.“Thisone’sflat.”ShelookedatMildred.“Yoursisbetter.”
Mildredsprangfromherchair.“Youcanhaveit.”
Okay,Ididn’tlovethatdynamic,butitwasjustalittlesocialhierarchyrearingitsuglyhead.Onlynormalatthisage.
“Why’dyourmomnameyouMildred,anyway?”Larkynasked.“Didshe,like,hateyouorsomething?”ThethreegirlsgiggledwhileMildredfrownedandcrouchedgingerlyinSable’sdiscardedyellowbeanbag.
Now,Ireallydidn’tlovethat—
“Andwhatarethosebooksyou’realwaysreading?”Sableasked,settlingcomfortablyintoMildred’schair.“Theoneswiththeunicorns?”
ThethreegirlswaitedwithbatedbreathwhileMildredlookeddownathershoes.“TheMagicalAdventuresofOonatheUnicorn,”shesaidquietly.
“OhmyGod,”Sablecackled.“Thatsoundslikeit’sforbabies.”
Theothergirlslaughed.Unbidden,amemorycamebackfrommyownsixthgradeyear,sharpasthedayithappened.IntheStonehousehold,turningtwelvebroughtanexcitingmilestone:itmeantyouwereoldenoughtohostabigsleepoverforyourbirthday,asmanyfriendsasyouwantedtoinvite,withallthepizzaandcandyyoucouldeat.Beforetwelve,ourparentsallowedLeeandmetohaveasinglefriendoveratatime,butthiswasthebigleagues,asocialevent.SomanygirlscametoLee’stwelfthbirthdaypartythatmyparentshadtosetupatentinthebackyardforoverflow.Andthere’dbeenshenanigansofepicproportions,clearly,becauseforweeksafter,ourhighschool–agedneighborhadturnedredandfledintheoppositedirectionwheneverhesawLee.Ofcourse,Iwasn’tprivytothoseshenanigans,sinceasLee’slittlesister,I’dbeenshooedoutofherbedroomthemomentitwastimefortherealjuicystufftobegin.
Butfinally,myturnhadcome:thebig1-2.LikeLee,Iwasgoingtoinviteeverysinglegirlinmyclass,eventheonesI’dnevertalkedtooutofshyness.Whodidn’tloveasleepover?Armedwiththisculturalcapital,twelvewasgoingtobetheyearIturneditallaround.Ieventalkedmymomintobuyingthefancyinvitationswithgoldfoilflowers.TheywentoutinthemailandawholeweekwentbywhileIanxiouslyawaitedRSVPs.EventuallyitoccurredtomethatIcouldjustaskmyclassmatesifthey’dgottenthem,soonedayIsteeledmynervesandhurriedafteragroupofgirlsonthewaybackfromthecafeteria,tryingtoworkoutthebestwaytoinsertmyself.BeforeIcouldgetupthecouragetoslipintostridewithanyone,Iheardmyname.KristenClock,thecoolestgirlinsixthgrade—ofallpeople—wastalkingaboutme.Ofcourse,becauseit’sjusthowthesethingsgo,shewasinthemiddleofcomplainingthathermomwasforcinghertogotomybirthdaypartyeventhoughIwasadorkwhoonlylikedtoread.Thecommentstoppedmeinmytracks,leavingmestock-stillwhilethegirlscontinuedonahead.ButIstillheardKristen’sright-handgirl,GloriaRodrigo,say,“She’llprobablymakeus,like,workonhomeworkorsomething.Thisisgoingtobethefirstsleepoverweactuallywanttosleepthrough.”Thatzingergotalaughfromeveryone,which,nosurprise,becauseitwasaprettygoodone.I’dprobablyhaveappreciateditmoreifithadn’tshotlikeanarrowthroughmyheart.
Obviously,asanyrationalpersonwoulddo,Iwenthomeandtoldmymominnouncertaintermstocancelmyparty.Unfortunately,shewasanexpertatwrestlingthetruthoutofme,andsoonI’dspilledthewholestory.Tomyhorror,sherefusedtocancel—instead,shegotonthephonewithKristen’sandGloria’smothers,andbeforeIcouldsaysocialpariah,Kristen,Gloria,andeveryothergirlinmygradehadbeenhandedanedictbytheirmotherstoattendmybirthday.I’dneverwishedtocontractsuddenandincurableconsumptionmoreardently.
But,moderninfrastructurebeingwhatitis,IcaughtnotevenawispofthevaporsthathadfelledmyfavoriteVictorianheroines.Sothenightcame,thegirlsarrived,anditwasawkward…Iwouldsay,ifIwasemployingmygiftforunderstatement.Toleanonmytalentforpainfullyaccuratedescription,itwasahumiliatinglivingnightmare.Therewaspizza,icecream,andamountainofcandy,butIwastoonervoustoeat.Therewerebrand-newboardgamesstackedonthecoffeetable,waitingforustoplaythem,butIwastooafraidtosuggestonelestsomeonefindmychoiceboring.Iwas,infact,tooafraidtodoanythingbutstareanxiouslyacrosstheroomasKristenandGloriasatinacornerandwhispered.Then,likeamiracle,IsawLeewalkingdownthehall—funny,confident,sixteen-year-oldLee,who’dkissedaboyandseenanR-ratedmovieandownedacellphone.I’dscrambledafterhersofastyouwould’vethoughtKristenhadlitmybuttonfire,andbeggedLeetoplease,pleasedropherplansandcomeattendatwelve-year-old’sbirthdayparty.
Imust’velookedprettydesperate,becausesheactuallycalledherbestfriends,ClaireandSimon,andtoldthemtheirdoubledatewasoff,thenstrodeintothelivingroom,shookoutherlong,shinybrownhair,andsaid,“WhowantstowatchTwilight?”Everyone,itturnedout.Literalpandemonium.(Ifiledaway“MentionTwilight,”anditturnsout,fifteenyearslater,itstillworks.)AfterthemovieitwasgossipandprankphonecallsandLeedraggingoutherPeoplemagazinessothegirlscouldpointouttheircelebritycrushes,noneofwhichwereactivitiesIwould’vethoughtofonmyown.
Leewasolderandworldlyandtheylovedher.Iwatcheditallunfold,gratefultobesparedthespotlightbutalso,ifI’mcompletelyhonest,alittlebitsad.That’swhenitfirstoccurredtome:whateverthatmagicthingwasthatmadesomepeoplemagnetic,thejenesaisquoiLeehad—Ididn’thaveit.Butchinup,nobigdeal.Noteveryonegetssprinkledwithfairydust.Itwassimplygoodtoknowwhereyoufellonthescalesoyoucouldadjustaccordingly,perhapsbecomeamoreaccommodatingpersontomakeupforyourlackofpizazz,whichI’dbeentryingtodosinceroughlytheageoftwelve.
Allthatsaid,itstillwasn’tthegreatestboosttotheoldegotofinallyattempttoseduceamanandhavehimpracticallytripoverhisowntwofeettryingtofleeme.ThoughIsupposeitwasgoodLoganhadhisabruptchangeofheartaboutmebeforewe’dslepttogether.
Butbacktothechildren.IsetdownmyhotgluegunandsweptintotheBeanbagCranny,radiatingmybestMs.Honeyvibes.“Goodmorning,girls,lovelytoseeyou.Sable,Larkyn,andBrynlee,IheardMs.Redfieldisputtingoutthesign-upsheetforTheWizardofOz.You’dbetterruntothecafeteriaifyoudon’twanttoendupplayingaflyingmonkey.”Iresistedtheurgetosaysomethingsarcasticallyscoldingtothemabouttheirbehavior,eventhoughtheyprobablywouldn’tregisterthefullmeaninguntilyearslater,whenitfinallyclickedanddeliveredadelayedmorallessonfromasourcetheycouldnolongerremember,therebymakingittheperfectcrime.No,therewashopeforthesegirlsyet.EvenKristen—Imean,Sable.“Mildred,wouldyoustaybehindaminute?”
Aspredicted,thegirlsrushedoffattheflyingmonkeythreat.ButMildredkeptstill,hergazelockedonhershoes.Icrouchedinfrontofher.“Hey.Guesswhat?Ihavesomethingforyou.”
Herheadrose,eyeswidebehindherpinkglasses.
“Comeon.”Istretchedoutahand.“Letmeshowyou.”
IledMildredtomyCoolNewReadscraftingstation,thenbentoverandreachedintotheboxofbooks.“Iorderedthisjustforyou.”
Shedroppedmyhandandseizedthebook,holdingitreverently.“Thenewone!”
“OonaBattlestheMonstersoftheRainbowRavine.Andit’sallyours—youcanbethefirsttocheckitout.”
Mildred’seyessparkledasshecrackedopenthestiffspine.“I’mgoingtoreadtheentirethingrightnow.”Shespunonherheelsandstartedtochargetowardthebeanbags—thenspunback,lookingsheepish.“Thankyou,Ms.Stone.”
“You’rewelcome.Iwanttohearallaboutitwhenyou’redone.”IwishIcouldshieldyouandkeepyouthishappy,Ithought,thenstartledatmysuddenmelancholyturn.
ThesquishiestbeanbagchairhadjustclaimedMildredasitslatestvictim,suckingherlikequicksandsoherlittlelegswereallIcouldsee,whenthedoubledoortothelibraryflewopenandGiaburstin.
“Jesus!”Iputahandovermythumpingheart.“Youscaredme.”
“Good.”Giaseizedmyelbowandtuggedmetowardthecirculationdesk,whichwastuckedinthefarthestcornerofthelibrary,awayfrompryingstudentears.“Thenyou’reintherightmoodtohearthis.”
GiaRussowasoneofmytwoclosestfriends—notjustatBartonSprings,butingeneral.ThatwasafactI’dalmostletsliponeMondaywhenGiaandMurielLopez,myotherfriend,askedwhatfunthingsI’dgottenuptowithmy“hipyoungcrew”thatweekend,andI’dstartedtoscoffattheideathatIhadahipyoungcrew—untilIsawthealarmontheirfaces.Apparently,itwasunusualnottohavefriendsoutsideofwork,orfriendsyourownage,asopposedtothoseroughlytwoorthreetimesit.ButGia,afifthgradeteacher,andMuriel,theotherlibrarian,werebothwonderfulandtheotherfoundingmembersofourthree-personromancebookclub,whichmeteveryWednesdayduringlunchintheteacher’slounge.Giawasfifty-eightandsmall-boned,withshort-croppedblackhair,earslinedwithsilverstuds,andapersonalityshelikedtocall“aggressivelyItalian.”
“Youwon’tbelievewhatIheard,”shehissed,onceshe’dsatmedownatthechairbehindthedesk.Itsaidalotaboutmymentalstatethatmyfirstthoughtwas,Oh,God,sheheardaboutmyepicrejection
“MyfriendattheTEAsaysthelegislature’sgoingtocuttheeducationbudgetbytwentypercentinJanuary.AnaideforSenatorAbingtonleakedit.Everyone’sinatizzy.”
Allthoughtsoftheweekendflewfrommymind.“Twentypercent?Butwe’realreadyonashoestringbudget.They’vecuteveryyear.Whereelsecantheypullmoneyfrom?”
Giasankontothedesk.“Everyonesaysthey’regoingtocutjobs.Orpay.Orboth.”
Myheartsank.SinceI’dstartedatBartonSpringsfiveyearsago,Texas’sdwindlingeducationbudgethadbeenasourceofendlessanxiety,especiallyforeducatorslikemewhoworkedintheartsandhumanities,wheretheheaviestbudgetbludgeoningsalwaysoccurred.WhenIwashired,BartonSprings’slibraryhadbeenhousedinitsownsprawlingbuildingandthere’dbeenthreeofus:me,Muriel,andDawnKowalski.Butbudgetcutsthatfirstyearhadgottenusbootedtoourcurrenttinycave,andevenworse,they’dcostDawnherjob.Eachyear,asthebudgetcutscameformoreofus—thespeechtherapist,thenthemusicteacher,thentheartsteacher—classroomsizesballoonedandmoreofthesupplybudgetwaspushedontoourshoulders.(Iwas,forexample,payingforallofmyownglitter.)Everyonewassoscaredofbeingletgothatnoonedaredcomplain,excepttotheTexasEducatorsAssociation,ouradvocatestolawmakers.Andtoeachother.
Aterriblethoughtoccurredtome:“We’retheonlyschoolleftinthedistrictwithtwolibrarians.”
Gia’sforeheadcreasedinafrown.“Atoursize,weshouldhaveatleastthree.Butyou’reright.I’mworriedforyouandMuriel.”
AndhereI’dspentthelastyeartryingtotalkmyselfintoaskingforthepromotiontofulllibrarianMurielsworeIdeserved.Forgetapromotion;whatifIlostmyjob?IftheyhadtochoosebetweenMurielandme,I’dbetoast.Murielhadyearsofexperienceandamasteroflibrarysciencesunderherbelt,andIwasonlyalowlyBA-educatedassistantlibrarian.
Giapattedmyback.“Well,”Isighed.“Atleastyou’resafe.”Giataughtmath,theonelanguagewe’dallbespeakingathousandyearsfromnowwhencountriesceasedtoexistandthealiensdescended.
“CanyouimagineifstudentsonlylearnedSTEMsubjects?”Giashivered.“Bringontherobotapocalypse.”
Asifoncue,thedoubledoorburstopenonceagain,andGiaandIjumped.“You’llneverbelievethis,”Murielboomed,arrivinginaveritablestormofswirlingscarvesdespitetheearlySeptemberheat.ShealwaysdressedlikeshewasabouttomakeastarturnasaHoovervillebagladyinaschoolproductionofAnnie.Despitethat,shewassharpasatackatsixty-eight.
“Wealreadyknow,”Giasaid.“IjusttoldAlexisaboutthebudgetcuts.”
“Budgetcuts?”Murielstoodstalwart,handsonherhips.“Whatbudgetcuts?”
“Youdidn’thear?”Isighed.“I’magoner,Iknowit.Wait—whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Muriel’sexpressionchangedtooneofwonder.“Honey,you’reastar!Youreallyhaven’tseen?”
Isquinted.WasMurielsufferingheatstrokefromallthoselayers?“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Sheunlockedherphoneandthrustitatme.GiaandIbothleanedover.Shehadsomewebsitepulledup,thelogospellingoutTheWatcherontheHillinbigblockletters.IfrownedatMurielinconfusion.
“It’saTexaspoliticsblog,”shesaid.“Afamousone,apparently.Carmensentittome.Youknowshe’sintoallthatactivismstuff.”CarmenwasMuriel’soldestdaughter,anursewhocaredsopassionatelyaboutloweringhealthcarecoststhatshe’dstartedaspecialinterestgroupcalledEnfermerasporlaEquidad,orNursesforEquity.I’dintroducedhertoLeeandthey’dbothgonestarry-eyed.“Shesaysyoursister’sonthesitealotforsuchajuniorpolitician.”Thatdidn’tsurpriseme.Inlessthanayearasastatesenator,Leewasalreadymakingwaves.“Scrolldown,”Murielinstructed.
Ithumbeddownandshrieked.
“Iknow!”Murielsaid,atthesametimeGiacried,“That’syou!”
There,invividcolorandcrispresolution,wasapictureofmeinLogan’sarmsoutsidetheFleurdeLis.I’dforgottenuntilthismomentthathisshirthadbeenunbuttonedthankstoourmaddashoutoftheburninghotel,and—Godhelpme—Iwasstruckanewbyhowgood-lookinghewas,thecommandingwayheheldhisshoulders,hisconfidencetelegraphingclearlythroughtheimage.Itdidn’thurtthathewascarryingmecradledtohimwithease,orthatmyarmswerewrappedaroundhisnecklikehewasmypersonallordandsavior.Whoevertookthepicturemust’vecaughtusrightafterwe’dburstoutofthestaircaseontothestreet.Betweenmyplungingreddress—madeevenmoreprovocativebybeinghikedupmythighs—Logan’sbarechest,ourtangledlimbs,andthewaywewerelookingateachother,likewe’djustrolledoutofbedorweremaybeonourwaybackintoone,thepicturescreamedsex.No,worse—intimacy
“Youlooklikethecoverofaromancenovel,”Giabreathed.
Dreadfilledmystomachlikealeadballoon.IwassodistractedbythepicturethatittookmeseveralshockedsecondsbeforeIrealizedtherewasobviouslyanaccompanyingheadline.
“‘L’EnfantTerribleCaughtInFlagranteOutsideRitzyHotel,’”Giaread.“L’Enfantwhat?”
“Itmeansayoungpersonwho’ssounorthodoxthey’reapainintheass,”Imurmured,forgettingtherulenottocurseonschoolgrounds.
Hoveringoverus,Murielgotimpatientwiththetimeitwastakingmetoprocessandswipeddown.Andoh,God.Therewasanentirearticle.Shereaditoutloud:“‘UpstartDemocraticgubernatorialcandidateLoganArthursnappedbarelydressedandholdingonfordearlifetoascantilycladmysterywomanoutsidetheFleurdeLisintheweehoursofSundaymorning.’”Murielpausedtogrinlasciviouslyatme,clearlyignorantofthefactthatmyentireworldhadjustturnedupsidedown.
Loganwasagubernatorialcandidate?Asin,apersonrunningagainstGroverManetobecomethenextgovernorofTexas?I’dthoughthewasarun-of-the-millinvestmentbankerorlawyer.Howwasamanasbluntandhotheadedashimapolitician?AndhowhadInotrecognizedhim?AssoonasIthoughtit,Iknewtheanswer.Thetruthwas,besidespayingattentionwheneverLeecalledtoventaboutbeingsurroundedbyuseless,backstabbinglawmakers,Ididn’tfollowpoliticsallthatmuch…infact,inasecretIwouldtaketomygrave,sometimeswhenLeestartedwaxingonaboutpolicychangemyeyessortofjust…glazedover.Ihadn’t,inallhonesty,beenpayingmuchattentiontothestateelections.
Leewasright:beinganuninformedpubliccitizenreallyhadcomebacktobitemeintheass.
Murielbarreledon:“‘Apparently,thepowersthatbehavearollickingsenseofhumor—orthey’rerootingforGroverMane—becauseArthurandhisparamourwerecaughtinastateofundressthankstoafreaklightningstrikethatstartedafireintheupperlevelsofthehotel.AlthoughrumorsofArthur’splayboypasthavedoggedhiscandidacy(astheyoncedid,coincidentally,tothenow-marriedGovernorMane),Arthur’steamhasrepeatedlyassuredhigh-profilebackerstherumorsareunfounded.’”
“Playboypast?”Iechoed,butnothingcoulddeterMurielfromfinishing.
“‘Theselatestsnaps,’”sheread,“‘aregoingtodiscredittheirclaimsthattheyoungArthur,despitehisage,isamature,stablepresenceTexanscancounton.Withlittlemorethantwomonthsuntilelectionday,thestakescouldn’tbehigher.EspeciallysincethelatestpollnumbersshowArthur’sapprovalratingsrisingwhileMane’sareslipping,evidencethepublichasbeenwarmingtoArthur’snewrestrainedapproach.Thegovernor’scampaignissuretopounceonthisopportunitytounderminetheirjuniorfoe,leavingallthepoliticosinAustinwondering:Justwhoisthismysterywoman,andwhatkindofsordidtell-allissheabouttospill?Thehuntfortheladyinredison.’”
Onenight.Onemeasly,should’ve-been-privatenightout,toaccomplishaprivategoal,andnowIwasHesterPrynnefromTheScarletLetter.Whatifmystudents’parentssawthis?WhatifPrincipalZimmermansawitanddecidedfiringmewastheeasiestwaytocutthebudget?Thiswasadisaster.
IthitmethatMurielandGiawerebothuncharacteristicallyquiet,soIbrokemythousand-yardstare-offwiththephonetoglanceatthem.Theywerebothgaping.
“I’msureyouhavequestions,”Isaidtentatively,andthatwasit.Thefloodgatesopened.
“Howlonghaveyoubeendatingthishunkofman-meat?”Muriel’sscarvesflewasshegesticulatedwildlyatthewordman-meat
Giahitmeontheshoulder.“Whydidn’tyoutellusyouhadaboyfriend?”
“Whydidn’ttellushewasfamous?”
“Whydidn’tyoutellusyouownedadresslikethat?GoodGod,honey.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellus—”
Mycellphonebuzzedviolently,interruptingthebarrage.“Oh,thankGod,”Isaid,andleapedacrossthedesktoseizethelifeline.ThenIlookedatthescreen.BlockedNumber.Thatcouldn’tbegood.ButitwaseitherDoorNumberOne—theMurielandGiaInquisitionExperience—orwhatevermysterylaybehindDoorNumberTwo.Idecidedtotakemychances.
IwavedMurielandGiasilent.“Hello?”
“Goodmorning,”saidjustaboutthecrispest,mostassuredvoiceI’deverheard.“ThisisNoraIgwe,LoganArthur’schiefofstaff.AmIspeakingwithAlexisStone,alias—”Shepaused,asifdouble-checkinghernotes.“RubyDangerfield?”5AnIndecentProposal
SomeonehadscratchedouttheconferenceroomsignattheLoganArthurforGovernorheadquartersandwrittenin“WarRoom.”And,judgingbytheseaoffacesstaringbackatmefromacrossthetable,theyweretakingthewarpartseriously.Theirtenseexpressions,plusthefactthatsomeonehadhastilyerasedallthewhiteboards—Icouldstillmakeoutbitsofcampaignstrategy—werestartingtomakemesuspecttheenemyinthissituationwasme.
“Thankyouforcomingonsuchshortnotice,”saidNora,fromherseatattheheadofthetable.Thecrisp,assuredvoiceonthephonehadturnedouttobelongtoabeautifulBlackwomanwearingasharpmagentasuitandlong,darklocstwistedintoanelegantbun.Shehadadazzlingsmileshe’dflashedexactlyonce,whenshe’dgreetedmeatthedoorofthecampaign’sdowntownheadquarters(justtwoblocksfromtheFleurdeLis—ugh,there’dbeensomanyclues)andusheredmethroughanofficefullofgawkingpeoplewearingbrightblueArthurforGovernorshirts.Nearlytenofthemhadfiledintotheconferenceroomafterus,settlingintoseatsaroundthetable.EitherIwasanall-hands-on-decksortofproblem,ortheyexpectedashow.Despitebeingfull,theroomwasunnervinglyquiet.Everyonewaswaitingforsomething.
ThedoortotheconferenceroomflewopenandLoganbargedin.“SorryI’mlate,”hesaid,soundingharried.“Phonesareringingoffthehook.”
Ah.Right.Whatwe’dbeenwaitingfor.
“Icanonlyimagine,”saidNoradryly,tappinghermanicuredfingersonthetable.
Loganmadehiswaytotheoppositeendofthetable,noddingateachpersonashepassed.HelookedjustlikeIremembered,likethephotographhadcaptured:tallanddarklyhandsome,withtheintensityofarushingtrain,afaceIwantedtorunfromandthrowmyselfinfrontofinequalmeasure.Thecreasesunderhiseyeshadonlydeepened,andhisstubblewasnowthebeginningsofabeard.Unfortunately,IfoundIlikedthatevenbetter.HelookedanorderofmagnitudemoretensethanhehadonSaturdaynight.Well,buddy,welcometotheclub.
Hewaspointedlynotlookingatme.Itookhiscueandtriedtopretendhewasn’tthere,buttherewasnofoolingmybody.Evenwithoutlooking,hispresencegnawedatme.Underthetable,Ibouncedmyleg.
“Okay.”Noraputdownthephoneinherrighthand,thentheoneinherleft(wait—hadshebeentypingontwophonesatthesametime?).“Let’sgetdowntobusiness.”Shelookedathergatheredcolleagues.“Forthoseofyoujustgettingloopedin,thismorningwewokeuptoacrisiscommssituation.Theever-delightfulDanielWatcher—”Shepausedtoallowforthegroansthatechoedaroundthetable.“Yeah,that’sright,ourgoodbuddyDanielgotholdofsomepicturesofLoganfromthisweekend,andthey’regoingviral.”
Oh,God—theywere?
“Otheroutletsarepickingupthestory,”Norasaid.“We’reexpectinghitpiecesfromTexasMonthlyandtheStatesmanatminimum.”Moregroaning.
“Sexsells,”lamentedapaleyoungslenderstaffer.Hesmoothedahandoverhisperfectlycoiffedblackhair.“Trustme,Iwouldknow.”
Norarolledhereyes.“It’searlierinthedaythanInormallysaythis,but:canit,Cary.”
Icouldn’thelplookingatLogan,buthisfacewasastonymask.Whatwashethinking?Isthiswhyhe’drunwhenhesawpeopletakingpictures—becausehe’dbeenembarrassedbytheideaofthemcatchingustogether?
“Though,yes,”Norasaid.“Forthosewhohaven’tseenthem,thepicturescaptureLoganandAlexishere—”Finally,shenoddedtome.“InaratherundressedstateoutsidetheFleurdeLishotel.”
“Remember?That’sthehookupspotwhereMorganmetthatguywhowasobsessedwithherfeet,”Caryadded,andtherewerenodsofrecognitionaroundthetable.Everyone’sheadsturnedtome.Great.NowtheywereeitherimaginingmeinastateofundressortryingtoguesswhatweirdfetishIwasconcealing.DearfreaklightningstormfromSaturdaynight,pleasehavemercyandstrikemenow.
Noraclearedherthroat.“Obviously,we’renotgoingtowastetimegivingourfearlessleaderhellforhispersonalchoices.”Shepaused.“Becauseyoucanrestassured,I’vealreadydonethat.”Snickersfromeveryone.LogangaveatightsmilethatIthinkwassupposedtopassfor“Lookatme,takingthisinstride,”butinsteadlookedmorelike“Iamcurrentlybeingtorturedandyouarewitnessinganinvoluntarypainspasm.”
“So,damagecontrol,”Norasaid.“Firstthingwedidwastrackdownthewomanbeforeanyreporterscouldgettoher.Weweregoingtorunthepicturethroughareverseimagesearch—”
“Wait.”AfemalestaffernearNorafrowned.“Whydidn’tweknowhernameifshewaswithLogan?”
Silencearoundthetableasthepieceslinedup:Caughtinastateofundress.FleurdeLis,thehookupspot.Noname.Loganstartedcoughing,andCaryleapedupandpouredhimaglassofwaterfromapitcherinthecenterofthetable.Imeltedintomychair.
“Luckily,”Noracontinued,ignoringthequestion,“AnitarecognizedAlexisastheyoungersisterofourveryownSenatorLeeStone.”Thisatleastearnedmesomelooksofrespect.Leetotherescueagain.
Anolderwomanwithclose-cutwhitehairleanedoverthetableandthrustoutherhand.“AnitaJones,directorofresearch.”Hervoicewassogravellyitsoundedlikeshesmokedatleastacartonaday.Ishookherhandandtriednottowinceatherfirmgrip.“YoursisterandIgowayback.Helpedherpassherbiggreenenergybill,youknow.IusedtoworkforManeuntilthisonesweet-talkedmeaway.”SheslidalookatLoganandloweredhervoice.“Notbad,eh?”
Loganrolledhiseyes.“Keepitinyourpants,Anita.”
“He’smuchfeistierthanMane,”Anitasaidwithawink.“Ilikeit.”
“Uh…”Howtorespond?Thiswomanwasawalking,talkingHRviolation.IhalfexpectedanHRreptodropfromtheceilingandsnatchheraway.
“Anyway,”Norasaid,shootingAnitaascorchinglook.“Nowthateveryone’suptospeed.”Sheturnedherfullandformidableattentiononme.“Alexis.You’veobviouslypickedupthatthisstoryisbadforus.We’veworkedhardtoquellrumorsthatLoganisaplayboy,allblusterandnosubstance,someonewho’sonlyrunningforofficeforthefameandfringebenefits.”
Aroundthetable,thestafferssnortedorshooktheirheads,plainlyoffendedonLogan’sbehalf.
“Weallknowthatcouldn’tbefartherfromthetruth,butunfortunately,thepublicdoesn’t.”
IdartedanotherglanceatLogan,becauseitwasimpossibletositinthesameroomwithhimandnotlook.HewasidlytracingalineoverhispalmasNoraspoke,hisfacestillimpassive.
“LoganisyoungcomparedtoMane,whichcouldswingeitherway—itcouldbeaboonforusoranAchilles’heel.Mane’steam’sdoingtheirbesttopresentitasaflaw,andthisplayboyreputationplaysrightintotheirhands.IfwordgetsoutLoganwas,uh,actingalittlesalacious,we’reworriedit’llsinkhiscredibility.Especiallywiththefemalepoliticoswe’vebeencourtingforendorsements.”
“Includingyoursister,”Anitaadded.Andithitme:ofcourseLeewouldcatchwindofthis.WhatifIhurtherreputation?WhatifIhumiliatedher?Itwasn’tjustmycareerontheline.
“Weneedtomakethisgoaway,”Norasaid,asifshe’dreadmymind.“Takecontrolofthenarrative.”
“Yes.”Myvoicecameoutsmall,soIclearedmythroatandtriedagain.“Imean,I’mallforthat.I’manelementaryschoollibrarian—Idon’texactlywantmyone-nightstandblastedonthenews.And,youknow,there’sLeetoconsider…”
“Perfect.”Norabeamedatme,andIwinced.Hersmilewasatad…predatory,likeacatgrinningatamousewho’djustwalkedintoitswaitingpaws.IgotthedistinctimpressionIwasabouttogetasalespitch.“Thenwe’reallonthesamepage.Unfortunately,thepicturesareoutthereandthepunditsareclamoring.Thetruthwon’twork,soweneedastory.”
Fromtheotherendofthetable,Logancrossedhisarmstightoverhischest.Noraignoredhim,keepinghergazeonme.“Whatwepropose—actually,I’llbereal—whatwe’rebeggingyoutoconsideristotellthepublicthatyouandLoganaredating.Seriouslydating.Like,churchbellsringinginthedistance.We’llsaythephotoscaughtLoganwithhisgirlfriend,nothisfly-by-night,becauseeveryoneknowsLoganArthurisaserious,focused,maturemanwhocancommittothings.Like,say,asinglewoman.OrtheentirestateofTexas.”
“Youwantustosaywe’redating?”MyheadsnappedtoLogan—andforthefirsttime,helookedback.Therewasanunexpectedvulnerabilityinhiseyesashesearchedmyfaceformyreaction.Whateverhesawtheremadehimswallowhardandleanawayfromthetable.
“Itoldyouthiswasabadidea.”
“Don’tmindhim,”Norasaid.“LyinggoesagainstLogan’smoralcode,whichiswhywelovehim.Butit’smyjobtowin,andapoliticalcampaigniswonorlostonpublicperception.Whatpeoplethinkofthekindofpersonyouareis—likeitornot—tentimesmoreimportantthanyourfiscalpolicy.That’swhyweagreed—”shelookedpointedlyatLogan“—thatthiswasourbestoption.”
“I’vebuiltmyentirecareeraroundtellingthetruthwhenotherpoliticianswouldn’t,”heprotested,buthesoundedresigned.
“Andno,Alexis.”Noraturnedbacktome.“Wedon’tjustwantyoutosayyou’redating.Ifnooneeverseesthetwoofyoutogether,it’lllookfishy.We’reproposingyouandLoganpretendtobeinarelationshipfromnowuntilelectionday—uponwhichtimeLoganwillwinandwe’llrolloutapublicbreakupplan.Irrevocabledifferences.Consciousuncoupling.Somethingvagueandmystifyingwhereeveryonewalksawaywiththeirreputationsintact.”
Ifeltmyjawdrop.“Youwantustogoonactualdates?”
“Morelikecarefullystagedappearances.Mostlyattendingcampaigneventstogether.Speeches,rallies,pancakebreakfasts,fundraiserdinners.”Shewavedjazzhands.“Itcanbequiteglamorous.Andit’sonlyuntilNovember7th—twomeaslymonths.Anyonecandoanythingfortwomonths.”
“IoncepretendedIwasMattBomeronGrindrfortwomonths,”Carypipedin.HeturnedsoIcouldwitnesshisprofile.“See?Theresemblanceisuncanny.”
Anitasnorted,butherwordsweredirectedatme.“Thetruthis,cookie,you’regoodforbusiness.”
“Anita,”Norawarned.
“Werananexploratorypoll,”Anitaexplained,“andpeoplerespondedfavorablytotheideaofLoganinarelationship.Andyoucouldn’tmakeforbetteroptics:you’repretty,connectedtoaDemocraticsenator,andanactual,honest-to-Godelementaryschoollibrarian.Whoevenknewtheymadethoseanymore?You’reliterallywearingacardigan.Nicegirljackpot.”
Idrewthecardigantighterovermychest.Apparently,IneededtodateAnitaJones.Shefoundmemoreirresistiblethanallmyexescombined.
“Enough,”Logansaid,leaningoverthetable.“Alexisisn’tsomeprizehorseatashow.Youdon’tneedtotwirlheraroundandslapherhindquarters.”
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dheardmyrealnameoutofLogan’smouth,andatthesound,mybodybetrayedme.Thatfamiliarelectricityzippedthroughme,makingmeleanincrementallyinhisdirection.No,Ireprimandedmyself.Heleftyouatthehotelwithoutabackwardglance.Nolastname,nophonenumber,nothing.Andwhilethat’stechnicallythepointofaone-nightstand,rude.Plus,henevertoldyouhewasapolitician—andaplayboytoboot!Okay,good,nowIwasproperlypissedatLoganagain.
Iclearedmythroat,andalleyesfellonme.“Iunderstandwhatyouallgetoutofthis.ButwhatdoIget?”
“Otherthansavingfacewithyouremployer?”Noragavemeapointedlook.“Howaboutfame,glory,andthousandsofnewTwitterfollowers?”
Caryshrugged.“Don’tyouhaveaSoundCloudtopromoteorsomething?”
Itwasmyturntoscoff.
“Thenwhatdoyouwant?”Noraasked.“Becausewecan’tofferyoumoney.Ifthatgotout—”
“Idon’twantyourmoney.”Butherquestionlingered:WhatdidIwant?ToturnbackthehandsoftimeandneversetfootintheFleurdeLisseemedoutoftherealmofpossibility.Thetruthwas,Ididn’tknow.I’dneverbeengoodatunderstandinghowIfeltorevenwhatIthoughtwhenputonthespot.Usually,Ilikedtomullthingsoverinprivate,preferablywhilereadingabook.Myfeelingsusuallydawned
Everysinglepersonaroundthetable,Loganincluded,watchedme.“I’llhavetothinkaboutit,”Isaid,andsawthemdeflate.SuddenlythiswasthelastplaceonearthIwantedtobe:inaroomfullofdisappointedstrangers.Ishovedbackfromthetable.“Ihavetogo.”
Noraleapedtoherfeet.“Totallyunderstandable.It’sabigask.Just—pleasedon’ttalktoanyoneaboutthisuntilyoutalktous.Here.”Shethrustabusinesscardatme.“Takethis.Mycell’sontheback.”
“Anddecidefast,”Anitasaid.“Wecanonlystallthereportersforsolong.WehavetojumpbeforeManedoes.”
Inoddedovermyshoulder,wrenchingthedooropen.“Right.Processfast.Gotit.”
“Theclockisticking!”Anitacalled.Allthepeopleattheirdeskswhirledtolookatme.“Thevulturesarecircling!”
Iputmyheaddownandbookeditoutoftheoffice.6StrictlyProfessional
I’dalmostmadeitacrosstheparkinglotwhenadeepvoicecalledoutbehindme,“Alexis,wait.”
Istopped,heartratespiking.BecauseofcourseIknewthatvoice.IgavemysilverJettaalonginglook,thentookadeepbreathandturned.
LoganstrodeoutofabackdoorIhadn’tnoticed.Hisofficewasoneofthosequirkyoldrenovatedbrickbuildingsthatseemedtobeeverywheredowntown,andwithitssteepledroof,itlookedlikeitcould’vebeenachurchonceuponatime.Don’tfindastitchofthischarming,Iinstructedmyself.Eyesonthemanchargingtowardyou.Theclandestinepoliticaloperative.Thecad.Theverygoodkisser—
IwasstillshakingmyheadwhenLogancaughtuptome.Helookedlikehewasallwounduptosaysomething,butwhenheclockedmyface,hepausedandhuffed,“What?”
“IwasjustthinkingthatthelasttimeIsawyou,youwererunningintheoppositedirection.Interestinghowthetableshaveturned.”
“Oh,good.”HegrinnedandIthought,Uh-oh.Hisexpressionwasthegleefullymaniconeofamanwholovedtorumble,gettinghisheart’sdesire.“Theglovesarefinallycomingoff.Well,thelasttimeIsawyou,yournamewas—”Hemadesarcasticlittleairquotes.“RubyDangerfield.”
Itclicked:Loganwasn’tjustangryatthesituation.Hewasangryatme.Whatnerve,whenhewastheonewho’dgottenusintothismess.
“Youliedabouteverything,allnight,”hesaid.“Yourfamily,yourfriends.You’renotevenrelatedtoRodneyDangerfield!”
JustlikeSaturdaynight,Loganhadastrangeeffectonme:mybraintookhisunapologeticbrashnessasaninvitationtostopworryingabouteverythingbeforeIsaidit.“Oh,comeon.”Isnorted.“IfyouactuallybelievedRubyDangerfieldwasarealname,that’sonyou.”
Heshovedhishandsinhispockets.“IbetyouneverevenwentonanarcheologytriptoretrieveastolenartifactfromthemouthoftheHimalayas.”
Icrossedmyarms.“OfcourseIdidn’t,becausethat’stheplotofachildren’snovel.It’sdisconcertingyoudidn’tknowthat.”
“Ha!”Loganrockedbackonhisheels.Okay,soweweredoingthis.Outhereintheparkinglot,withthefainttangofgasolineintheairandabeautifulrobin’s-eggblueskystretchedaboveus.“You’reright.Iworkinpolitics.IshouldimmediatelysuspecteverypersonImeetistryingtopullsomecononme.Sowhatwasyourplanifthefirealarmhadn’tgoneoff?Spendthenightwithme,thentakeoffinthemorning,secureintheknowledgethatIcouldnevertrackyoudownbecauseIdidn’thaveyourrealname?”
Mycheekswereflaming.“SoItoldafewwhitelies.”Ispunandbeelinedaway.Unfortunately,Logan’slegswerelong,sohehadnotroublekeepingup.“You’retheonewhodumpedmeinanambulanceandtookoffwithoutanotherword.ButIguessthat’syourMO,seeingashowyou’reaplayboyandall.”Ifinallyreachedmycardoorandstartedtoyankitopen—thenthoughtbetterandturnedbackaround.“Isthathowyouenditwithallyourwomen,oramIespeciallynotworththegoodbye?”
“Mywomen?”Turningaroundtofacehimhadbeenabadidea.Logansteppedcloser,shakinghishead.Despitehistone,Icouldfeelmyselfdrawingnearertohim,pulledbythehardplanesofhischestinthatfittedwhitedressshirt,thedarklineofhisjaw,shadowedwithstubble,thelongcolumnofhisthroat,Adam’sapplebobbingabovetheknotofhistieasheswallowed.Ireversedcourse,backingupuntilmyshouldershitthecar.Heonlyleanedincloser.Iwascaged.
“WhatIdon’tunderstand,”hesaid,inalowvoice,“iswhyyou’resobothered.Admitit.Youweregoingtodropmeattheendofthenightanddisappearwithoutatrace.”
“Likeyouliterallydid?”
“Therewerephotographers!Iwastryingtoavoidthisexact—”Hestoppedandscrubbedhishandsthroughhishair,unleashinghiscurls.Thenhelookedupatthesky.Hewassilentforseveralbeats,likehewascountinginhishead.“Okay,”hesaidfinally,hisvoicetightlyleashed.“Forthesakeofatruce,let’sjustsayneitherofuswasplanningtoseeeachotheragainandleaveitatthat.Igetthatpubliclydatingmeisthelastthingyouwanttodo,sinceyouwenttosuchelaboratelengthstoensureIknewnothingaboutyou.But—look.Winningthisracemeanseverythingtome.AndmyteamwantsitasbadlyasIdo.Idon’talwaysagreewithNora’smethods,butItrusther.AndshethinksdoingthisistheonlywaytokeepthisstoryfrombeingthemealmyopponentsfeastonfromnowuntilNovember.”
MycardoorwaswarmfromtheSeptembersun.Ileanedharderagainstit.WitnessingLoganprostratehimselffeltunnatural.“Youreallydon’thaveto…”
Hesighed.“Ididn’tcomeoutheretoargue,orclosethedeal.IcametosayIknowwe’regivingyouthefullcourtpress.Butyoudon’thavetodothis.”
Thismanwasmoreconfusingthananillustratedcoveronaromancenovel.Whatthehellwasgoingoninsidehishead?“Idon’t?”
“Ofcoursenot.Ifyoudon’twantto,I’llfigureoutawaytokeepyournameoutofthepress.I’llmakesurenoblowbackfallsonyou,Ipromise.But—”Heblewoutabreath,andcaughtmyeyes.Thelookonhisfacewasintenseasusual,butthistime,intenselysincere,likehewasgearinguptomakeaspeech.ThismustbetheLoganArthurpoliticianface.Iswallowed,unabletolookaway.Damn,hewasgood.
“Ifyou’reevenconsideringit,”hesaid,“IwanttoassureyouthelastthingyouneedtoworryaboutiswhetherIhavefeelingsforyou.Ihavezerointerestinbeinginarealrelationshipwithanyone.Soifyou’reconcernedthatagreeingtodatemewouldbeawkwardbecausewealreadykissed:Ipromiseitwon’tbe.Youdon’thavetoworryaboutmethinkingitmeansanything,or,Godforbid,makingovertures.WebothhadalottodrinkSaturday,andclearlyactedoutofcharacter.Probablyforthebestitgotcutshort—”
Ipracticallytripped—standingstill—inmyhastetosay,“Obviouslyforthebest.Welldone,lightning,iswhatI’vebeensaying.”
Hegavemeaquizzicallook,butmercifullymovedon.“Thepointis,ifyou’reevenconsideringsayingyes,pleaseknowIintendforthistobeentirelyprofessional.I’ll—Imean,thewholecampaign—we’lltreatyouwiththeutmostrespect.Nofunnybusiness.”
HowintheworldwasIsupposedtogetahandleonmythoughtswhenLogan’sweresoillegible?Didhewantmetosayyesordidhewantmetosayno?IknewIshouldbethinkingthisthroughlogically,consideringalltheangles,butwhatmybrainkeptreturningtowasIwanttoassureyouthelastthingyouneedtoworryaboutiswhetherIhavefeelingsforyouAndeverytimeitwentthere,itfeltlikepokingabruise.Atender,sorefeeling.
“Thanksforthe,uh…reassurance.I’lltakeitunderadvisement.”Ipoppedthecardoorandsankintothedriver’sseat.“AndI’llgetbacktoyou.Soon,”Iadded,atthelookonhisface.Ishutthedoor,wrenchedmyeyesfromthewindow,andpressedtheignitiontoescape.7ASipofEuphoria
NooneinthehistoryoftheworldhadevergoogledanyoneasfuriouslyasIwasgooglingLoganArthur.I’dassembledalltheessentialsforadeepdive:myfavoritematchingpajamasetandfuzzysocks,achenilleblanket,andoneofthosefancychocolatebarsfromthegrocerystoreItoldmyselfIwouldeatslowly,onesquareatatime,untilthenextthingIknewthewholethinghadmysteriouslyvanished.I’dalreadyspentafullhourdowntheLoganrabbitholeandshowednosignsofstopping.Inmydefense,hewaseverywhere:therewereendlessarticles,Twitterthreads,andYouTubevideosmentioninghim.(Beggingthequestion,onceagain,ofhowI’dfailedtoregisterhisexistence.)That,plusmyformidablelibrarianresearchskills,meantIhadplentytochewon.
ThetermmixedbagwasinventedtodescribeLogan’spresscoverage.Nodoubt,thereweresomegreatprofiles,particularlyamongthemoreleft-leaningoutlets,withheadlineslike“LoganArthurSpeaksTruthtoPower”and“MeetMane’sBoldChallenger,GuaranteedtoGiveHimaRunforHisMoney.”He’devengottenafewlifestylemediahits,articleslike“RoundingUpthe10HottestPoliticians”and“MeetthisTexasPoliticalDreamboat,”whichhadinturnspawnedsomeenthusiasticTwitterthreadsfullofeggplantandpeachemojis.Butthevastmajorityofpunditsdidn’tseemtoknowwhattodowithhim.“Young,BrashandBallsy:IsLoganArthuraNightmareoraGodsend?”wasthemostobvious,buttheconfusionwasalsoplainincompetingheadlineslike:“OutofHisLeague:YoungArthurCan’tPlaytheGame”followedafewdayslaterby“Refreshing:LoganArthurRefusestoPlayPoliticsasUsual.”Thentherewasthehalfadmiring“LoganArthur:SoYoungButSoAngry.”
YouTubewasitsowntreasuretrove.Iwatched“LoganArthurCaughtYellingatHeckler,”whichwasathirty-secondclipofLoganwalkingoutofsomerestaurantatnight,doggedlyfollowedbyamaninabaseballcap.Theguykeptsayingsomethingthecameradidn’tcatch,untilLoganfinallysnapped,turningtohimwithaloud“Fuckoff—yougotnothingbettertodothanchasemearound?”Thehecklerranoff,which,goodcall,becausethewayLoganhadraisedhisshouldersremindedmeofacathunchinguptopounce.Thatvideonaturallyfedintowatching“DemCandidateCaughtDroppingImpressive12F-bombsin10Seconds,”whichwasexactlywhatitpromised.Andthenmyattentionwassnaggedby“LoganArthurandNBARocketsCheerleader.”ThatvideowastheoldestI’dfound,datedoverayearago.Init,abeardedLogan—myheartskippedabeat—stumbledoutofwhatlookedlikeabaroraclubwithhisarmaroundagorgeous,leggyblonde.Hehelpedherintoawaitingcarandrolledhiseyesatwhoeverwasfilmingbeforerunningtotheothersideandhoppingin.Asthecarspedoff,Ithought,Well,thatshedslightonthoseplayboyrumors
ThemostrecentvideowasfromTheWatcherontheHill’schannel,anditwastitled,“ArthurButtonsUp.”Thetextaccompanyingthevideoread:“Thislatesttownhallmarksaclearturnaroundfortheonce-brashcandidate.Obviously,someonehasstartedlisteningtohisPRteam.Goodforhiscareer,Isuppose,butthispunditforonewillmisstheoldArthur.Callingoutcorporatesponsors.Gut-punchinghisownparty.ThememorabletimehecalledMendaxOilCEOSamSlitteryacockroachwhowouldsadlysurvivethedestructionoftheplanethehelpedengineer.Neveradullmoment.”ThestillimagewasofLoganstandingbehindapodium,wearingasmilethatwaspassable—unless,likeme,you’dseentherealthing.Thedazzling,full-toothedgrinofLoganArthurcrackingupacrossthetablebecause,miraculously,you’dsaidsomethingfunny.
Ilookedupandcaughtmyreflectioninthehallmirror.IfIagreedtopretendIwasLogan’sgirlfriend,itwouldbemeinthosevideos.Asin,thegirlinthemirror.Mybrownhairwascurrentlyhanginglimplyovermyforehead,sinceIhadn’tbotheredtobrushitbeforesettlingin,andI’dstuckonmynerdyblue-lightglassestostareatthelaptopscreen.Evenmypajamaset,originallytheheightofglamor(thepiecesmatched!Unheardof.),lookeddowdynexttothesleekminidressontheleggycheerleader.I’dgottensocaughtupintheLoganofitall,I’dforgottentoconsiderwhatelsesayingyeswouldmean:namely,heapsofattention.Afteralifetimeofbeinginvisible,I’dcomefullcircleandnowtriedtoavoidattentionatallcosts.Reporters,Twitterfollowers,allthepeopleLoganhobnobbedwith—notonlywouldtheyknowmyname,whichwasbadenough,butI’dhavetopersuadethemIwashisgirlfriend.Wouldanyonebuymeafterthewomenhe’dbeenwith?
IwastiltingmyheadtocheckifIhadanysleekerangleswhenaknocksoundedatthedoor.Ilivedonasleepystreetinaneighborhoodfullofolderhousessplitintoduplexesandtriplexes.Itwaspopularwithteachers,single-parentfamilies,andgradstudents,basicallyallofuswhoneededpeaceandquietforasteal.NooneeverknockedexceptatHalloween.
It’sLogan,mybrainshouted,thoughthatmadezerosense.Still,IfluffedmyhairasIrantothedoor.Andwrencheditopentofind…ZoeyCarmichael?
“Lexy!”Sheraisedasix-packofwhatIassumedwasbeer,thoughthecansweretie-dyed.“CanIcallyouthat?It’swhatIcallyouinmyhead.”Shegrinneddisarmingly,whichwasn’tsurprising,givendisarmingcharmwasherwholevibe.Eventhoughshewasmyage,maybeayearolder,Zoeywasoneofmysister’sfriends,engagedtoLee’sgradschoolbestie,AnniePark.Annie’sproposaltoZoeyatalovelyItalianrestaurantwasoneofthetopfivemostromanticexperiencesofmylife.(Andyes,allofmytopromanticexperienceswere,strictlyspeaking,otherpeople’s.)Zoeywasatalentedpainterwhoseemedtobedoingwellforherself.I’dalwaysthoughtshewasnice,butgivenshehungwiththeartcrowdandIhungwiththe…overfiftyandunderthirteencrowd,therewasn’tmuchoverlapbetweenus.
“Hi,”Isaid.“Um…whatareyoudoinghere?”
Zoey’ssmilegrewwider.Shewassuperpretty—kindofahipstermermaid—androtatedhaircolorsaccordingtohermood.Todayherlong,wavyhairwasafadedgreen,likeshe’dspentallsummerinthepool.“Yoursistersaiditwastheanniversaryofwhenyourex-boyfriendcheatedonyou,andyoumightneedemotionalsupport.Or,technically,shetoldAnnie,becauseAnnie’salicensedtherapistandall.ShewashopingAnniewouldswingbyandtalktoyousinceLee’sbeensoswamped.ButIoverheardandvolunteered.”
Ouch,Lee.Ihadn’trealizedwe’dreachedtheoutsourcing-sisterly-dutiesphaseofourrelationship.IunderstoodLeehadnewresponsibilitiesnow:she’djustgottenelected,andwasworkinghardtostaffupandsetherpolicyagenda.ButLeenolongerhavingtimeformeremindedmeoftheperiodafewyearsagoafterourdaddied,whensheretreatedanditfeltlikeI’dlostbothmyfatherandmysisterinonefellswoop.ThatwasanachinglylonelytimeIhopedtoneverrepeat.
“CanIcomein?”Withoutwaitingforananswer,Zoeynudgedherfootinthedoorwayandpeekedinside.“Oh,it’scute.”
“Right.Ofcourse.”Rememberingmymanners,IusheredZoeyinside.“Youcanputyourbeerinthefridge.”
“It’snotbeer.”Whenshegottothekitchen,shedroppedhersix-packonthecounterandtwistedacanfree.“It’saeuphoricbeverage.Nonalcoholic.Wantone?”
Iacceptedthecanandstudiedit.Tie-dyed,withHappywritteninlargescript…andthatwasit.“What’sinit?”
Sheshrugged,openingherowncan.“Idon’treallyknow.They’remoodenhancers.MyfriendAndromedaintroducedmetothemwhenwedidLee’salcoholcleansewithher.”
“Isit…drugs?”
Shelaughed.“Ofcoursenot.”Herfacegrewthoughtful.“I’mlikeninetypercentsure.”
Well,todaywasadayforentertainingnewpossibilities,apparently.Icrackedthecanandtookasip.“Gingery.”
“Waituntilthehappyhits.”Zoeywanderedpastmeintothelivingroom.Ifollowed,tryingtodiscreetlyfluffpillowsandstraightenthingswhileherbackwasturned.“I’vealwayswonderedwhatyourplacelookedlike.”
“Youhave?”
“Ofcourse.”Sheranherhandoverthebackofmytealcouch,drapedwithsoftblankets,thenmovedtostudymybookcases,sostuffedwithbookstheywerestackedverticalandthenhorizontal.Isawmyplacethroughhereyes:theshabbyoldfurnitureandabundanceofplantsonthewindowsill,candles,andromanceDVDsstackedinatowerunderthetelevision.Shenodded.“It’scool.”
“Cool?”
SheranahandovertheDVDs.“Kitschy.”
“Youcanbehonest.Ihavetheapartmentofaneighty-year-oldspinster.OrCathyfromthecartoonstrip.”
Shegavemeafranklook.“Youdon’thaveanycats.Ifyoudid,I’dbeworried.”
Inudgedmylaptopscreensoshecouldn’tseemyopentabs,amixtureofLoganArthurGooglesearchesandAustinSPCAkittenprofiles.“Hadn’tcrossedmymind.”
Tomysurprise,Zoeytoedoffhershoes,droppedontothecouch,andreachedforoneofmyfoldedblankets,wrappingitlikeacocoonsoonlyhersmallheart-shapedfaceandgreenhairpeekedout.Sheleanedbackandsighedhappily.Inunderfiveseconds,she’dmadeherselfmoreathomeonmycouchthanI’dfeltanywhere.
Isatdownontheotherend.“I’mreallyhappytohaveyouhere,butwhyexactlydidyouvolunteertocomeover?”
“BecauseIwanttobefriends,”shesaidmatter-of-factly.
Iblinked.“Youdo?”
“Forsure.”Shewiggledanarmoutofherblanketcocoonandreachedforherdrink.“I’mgoingtobeamarriedwomansoon.”Shewavedherlefthand,hergorgeousemeraldengagementringsparkling.“AndIneedchillercomrades.Don’tgetmewrong,mycurrentfriendsareawesome.Someofthemareartisticgeniuses.Buttheywanttogooutuntilfivea.m.everynight,andthat’snotmylifestyleanymore.”
“Fivea.m.?Dobarsevenstayopenthatlate?”
ZoeylaughedlikeIwasjoking,soItookabiggersipofmydrink.Cometothinkofit,therewasanicelittlebuzzofpleasureticklingthecornersofmymind.
Shewavedahandatmyapartment.“Thepointis,youseemlikethekindofpersonwhoenjoysaFridaymovienight,ifyoucatchmydrift.That’swhoI’minthemarketfor.”
“Uh…thanks?”Isthisreallyhowadultsmadefriends?Youjustchosesomeone,invitedyourselftotheirhouse,andcurledontheircouch?I’dbeendoingitallwrong.
“So.”Zoeyrestedherchinonherhands.“HisnamewasChris,right?OrdowepreferTheAssholeWhoShallNotBeNamed?”
Oh,right.Inallhonesty,Ihadn’tthoughtofChrissince…well,Saturdaynight.“I’mreallyfine,”Itoldher.“He’snotevenonmymind.”
“Well,somethingis.”Sheleanedcloserandsquinted.“Youraura’salloutofwhack.Fireworkseverywhere.You’restressing.”
Aura?Irolledwithit.“Imean,thereisthisthingI’mdealingwith.It’sabitofan…unusualsituation.”
“Ooh,”shedrawled.“Myspecialty.Weird,wacky,déjàvu,hauntings,existentialcrises.Hitme.”
Maybeitwastheeuphoricdrinkshakingupmybrainchemicalsintoacocktailoftrust.OrmaybeitwasZoey’sopen,eagerface,andthefactthatshe’dputherselfouttherefirst.BecauseeventhoughIwasnormallyaprivateperson,IfoundmyselfspillingthewholeLogandebacle,fromthemomenthe’dinterruptedCarterattheFleurdeListohiscampaignteam’sbewilderingproposal.
“So,”Isaid,wrappingitup.“NowIhavetodecidewhetherI’mgoingtosayyestothisbananasideaandturnmylifeintochaos—nottomentionworkcloselywithLogan,who’seitherverykindandchivalrousorveryterribleandrakish,Ihonestlycan’ttell.OrIsaynoandthefactthatwehookedupbecomesanewsstorythatcouldgetmefired.BecauseIjusthadtotrytosleepwiththepoliticalplayboyonthenightahotelcaughtfire.Andbecausesocietyisstillsobackwardthatanelementaryschoollibrariancaughtwithherboyfriendisfine,butwithastranger—ohno,awomanwholikescasualsex,bustoutthepitchforks!”ThisspeechwouldprobablybemoreeffectiveifIwasinfactawomanwhohadeverexperiencedcasualsex,butstill,theprinciplestood.“Youseemydilemma.”
“Idonot.”Zoeywasbuzzing,whichIworriedforasecondwasasideeffectofthedrinkthatI’dcatchnext.Butwhenshedroppedtheblanketandscootedclosertome,Irealizeditwassimplyexcitement.“Iseeaveryclearandobviouschoice.”
“Sayno?”
“Sayyes!Goodlord,you’relituplikeaChristmastreejusttalkingaboutit.Youraura’sgonehaywire.Andit’sthemostromanticthingI’veeverheard.”
“Romantic?”
“Um,thisguystepsintohelpgetridofsomecreeperatthebar—”
“Outofself-interest,hesaid.”
“Thenspendsallnightlisteningtoyourlifestory—”
“Completelymadeup.”
“Thenkissesyouwithinaninchofyourlifeandputsdownbigmoneyforasuite—”
Okay,thatpartwastechnicallytrue.
“Hastorunofftragicallywhenheseesphotographers,practicallyCinderellafleeingtheball—”
Isnorted.“Hardly.”
“Andnowhewantstodateyou—”
“Fakedate.Hemadeitclearhehaszerorealfeelingsforme.”
Zoeyrolledhereyes.“That’swhatI’dsayifIwastryingtoconvinceawomantofakedatemewithoutcomingacrossasacreeporscaringherawaywiththeintensityofmyemotions.”Suddenlyherfacescrunchedup.“Waitasecond.IgotsowrappedupintheromanceIdidn’taskifyoulikedhispolitics.Leewouldkillme.”
Rightnow,Leecouldsuckit.Nevertheless,Igroaned,becauseofcourseshe’dtrainedmewell.ThathadbeenthefirstthingI’dgoogled,andtheanswerwasannoying.“Hisplatformisgreat.Reallythoughtful,superprogressive,justlikeLee’s.Inallhonesty,Idon’tknowifthestateisreadyforhim.Lee’senvironmentalbillgavemehope,but…”
“It’sstillTexasoutsidethisAustinbubble,”Zoeyfinished.“Orsotheyclaim.IrefusetoexploreoutsideofMarfa.”
“Right.TheTexasofitall.SoIadmireLogan.He’sreallyeconomics-focused,hasalltheseproposalstostrengthenthesecuritynetformiddle-andworking-classpeople.Which,asanelementaryschoollibrarian,obviouslyI’mfor.”
Zoeysighed.“Tellmeaboutit.Acareerasapaintersadlydoesn’tcomewiththingslikehealthinsurance.”
“LoganwasborninOdejo,thisruralfarmingtowndownsouth,”Isaid,warmingtomysubject.“HewenttoHarvardforundergradandgradschool—gotamaster’sinpublicpolicyfromKennedy.ThenhecamebacktoTexasandbecameoneoftheyoungestHarrisCountycommissionersinhistory.ThosearethepeopleinchargeofHouston,bytheway.Hedidthatforfouryears,builtasolidreputation,thenannouncedhisrunforgovernor.He’syoungandhungry,that’sforsure.”
Zoeywhistled,whichIassumedwasinappreciationofLogan’srésuméuntilshesaid,“What’dyoudo,memorizehisWikipage?”
Mycheeksheated.“Ican’thelpifI’mgoodatretaininginformation.”
“Whydon’tyouaskyoursisterforadvice?”
Ishookmyhead.I’dreliedonLeetoomanytimes.Besides,thisonewasembarrassing.WhenI’ddecidedtogotothebaralonesoIdidn’tfallflatonmyassinfrontofherandherfriends,Ihadn’tevenimaginedthislevelofblunderwaspossible.IlovedLee,butIdidn’twanthertohavetorescuemeyetagain.
“Well,then,”Zoeysaid.“WhatI’mhearingis,thedecision’suptome.Sothatsettlesit.”Shetickedoffherfingers.“A,youlikeLogan’spolitics,whichmeansyou’reactuallypullingforhimtobethenextgovernor.B,heneedsyouinordertostandachance.C,it’sterriblyromantic.AndD,bestofall,it’stheadventureyou’vebeenwaitingfor.”
“Itis?”
“YoujusttoldmeyouwentmarchingintotheFleurdeLisdeterminedtoshakeupyourlife.Andlookwhattheuniversedroppedinyourlap.Youmusthavesomeverygoodkarma,AlexisStone.”
Well—Ihadn’tthoughtofitlikethat.Sayingyesandsteppingintothespotlight,sheddingmyinnermouse.Itwouldmeanembracingawildadventure.ALee-styleshenanigan.SomethingoldAlexiswouldn’thavedoneinamillionyears.
“Besides,”saidZoey,drainingherdrink.“You’reinthepowerposition.Loganandhisteamneedyou.Youcouldmakeorbreakhim.Thatmeansyoucanaskforwhateveryouwant.”
Backtothatinfernalquestion.
“Thetruthis,”Isaid,feelingashamed,“Idon’thavethefoggiestideawhatIwant.”
Tomysurprise,insteadofgivingmeapityinglookforbeinganundriven,wishy-washywomanwithherheadintheclouds,Zoeyshrugged.“Noproblem.Justaskforablankchecktobecashedwheneveryoufigureitout.You’reholdingallthecards.Theywon’tsayno.”
Mymouthdroppedopen.WasZoeyasecretpoliticalgenius?
Shestoodupandneatlyfoldedherblanket.“Ishouldprobablygetback.Annie’smakingeggplantparmtonight.”Shenoddedatthekitchenandgrinned.“Youkeepthedrinks.Getalittledrunkonhappiness,yacrazykid.”
Ifollowedhertothefrontdoor,slidingmyfuzzysocksoverthewoodfloor.“Thanksforcomingover.Itwasreallyniceofyou.”
Shestoppedinthedoorwayandturnedtogivemeanappraisinglook.“Youknow,Imight’vebeenwrongaboutyou.Youmightjustturnouttobemywildestfriendyet.”
Timestamp:7:48p.m.,Mondayevening.Iflaterthiswholethingblewupinmyfaceandpeopleweresearchingforanswers,I’dpointthemhere,totheexactmomentIknewthat,Godhelpme,Iwasgoingtosayyes.
Iclosedthedoor,foundNora’sbusinesscardonthecounter,andpickedupmyphone.8Lolexis
ThenextmorningIfeltslickpullingintothelastavailablespotintheparkinglotandslippinginthecampaignheadquarters’unmarkedbackdoor.EspeciallysinceIopeneditrightasLoganwaspassingby,andhejumpedbackinsurprise,almostfallingintothewall.
“Boo.”
“Shit,you’rehere.”Heshookhimselfandrightedhistie.“Ithoughtyou’dcomeinthefront.”
“IhavebeentoldI’mabitwild,”Isaid,tryingiton.“UnpredictableAlexis.”I’dwokenupinagreatmood—perhapsbecauseI’dgoneonaeuphoricbeveragebenderafterI’dcalledNoratosayyesandshe’daskedmetocomeinbrightandearlytodiscusslogistics,whichI’darrangedquicklywithMuriel,whoagreedtoholddownthefortatthelibrary.Itwaseithertheliquidcourage,theideathatZoey—anactualhumanwomaninhertwenties—wantedtobemyfriend,orthefactthatNorahadagreedtomyterms,justlikeZoeypredicted,thatwascausingthiswarm,fizzyfeelinginthepitofmystomach.AndithadpositivelybubbledoveruponfindingLogan,theexactpersonI’dbeenthinkingof,deliveredonasilverplatter.
Whatwasinthosedrinks?Therewasnowaythisfeelingwaslegal.
“Youweresupposedtocomeinthefront,”herepeated.Helookedlikehewasgoingtokeepharpingonit,butIleanedinanddroppedmyeyestohischest,andheabruptlystopped.
“Isthatthesamesuityouwerewearingyesterday?Don’ttellmeyousleptinyouroffice.”Twostaffersinrapid-fireconversationhurtledby,givingmewide-eyedlooks.Cometothinkofit…Ipeeredaroundthecorner.Thewholeofficeseemedtobeinatizzy.Therewerepeoplebuzzingeverywhere,someofthemspeakingintowalkie-talkies.Wasthisanormalday?
Logansteppedoutofthewayasmorestaffershurriedpast.“It’sadifferentsuit,”hesaidcurtly.“Butalsothesame.Idon’thavetimetothinkaboutfashion,soNoramademeauniform.Iownfiveofthesamesuits.”Helookedatmelikehewaswaitingformetogivehimhell.
“Huh.Youshouldtalktomysister’schiefofstaff,BenLaderman.He’sveryfashionable.Hecouldgiveyoutips.”
“Iknow,”Logansaidbitterly.“Norausedhimforsomethingcalledinspo.Madeawholeposterboardaboutit.Exceptionallyannoying.”Hetiltedhisheadandgavemeasuspiciousonce-over.“What’sgotyouinsuchagoodmood?Didyoulookoutside?”
“DidNoratellyouIaskedforablankcheckrequest?AnythingIwant?”
“Anythingwithinourpower,”heclarified,likethesticklerfordetailsIcouldtell,fromGooglinghispolicyproposals,hewas.Loganshovedhishandsdeepinhispockets.“Ididn’tthinkyou’dsayyes,”headdedinaquietervoice.“Ididn’tletmyself…Imean,Iwassurprised.So,thankyou.”
Ithinkitoccurredtobothofusatthesametime,becauseallofasuddenIcouldfeelmyfaceheat,andLoganswallowedthicklyandlookedaway.“Iguesswe’retechnically…”
Henodded,stillnotmeetingmyeyes.Buthisbodyleanedincrementallyinmydirection.“Dating,”hefinished.“Imean,asfarastheworldisconcerned…”Hiseyesslidtomine.Suchawarmbrown.Suchlonglashes.Thewayhewaslookingatmewaslikethefirstnightinthehotellobby,thatmomentofmagneticpossibilitywhenI’dwonderedifhewouldreachoutandtouchme—
“Thereyouare!”Norahustledthroughthehallatanimpressivespeedgivenhersky-highheels.LoganandIstartledtoattention,andhetookadiscreetstepback.“I’vebeenlookingalloverforyou.Ithoughtyouwerecomingtenminutesago,throughthefront!”
Whatwaswiththiscomingthroughthefrontbusiness?“IwasjusttalkingtoLogan—”
Shewhippedtohim.“Youtoldher?”
“Toldmewhat?”
Norashookherhead,incredulous.“Youdidn’t—”
“Iwasgoingto!”Loganburst.“Butthenshe…”Hewavedahand.“Distractedme.”
Norarolledhereyes.“Savetheromanceforthecameras.”
“Thatwasn’taline,”heprotested.“Ionlymeanwhenevershestartstalking,Ilosemytrainofthought.I’mworkingonit.”
“Good.BecauseIneedyourAgame.”Noraturnedtomeandloopedanarmthroughmine.“Walkwithme.”
Apparently,Ididn’thaveachoice,becauseshewasalreadytuggingmeforward.“Here’sthething.Iknowweweresupposedtotalklogisticsthismorning.ButthenwegotwindthatGovernorMane’steamisholdingapressconference.Rumorisit’saboutyouandLogan.So,changeofplans.”
Wewoundpastallthedesks,dodgingstaffersastheyrantomakecopiesordeliverarmfulsofwaterbottles.“We’regoingtohavetoputyouandLoganonfast.Asin,now.”
Istoppedinmytracks,causingNoratospringbacklikearubberband.“Whatdoyoumean,putuson?”
ShebrushedherlongFrenchbraidoverhershoulder.“WehavetoscoopMane.Holdourownpressconferencebeforehis.Whoeverspeaksfirstwillowntheconversation.”
Oh,no.No,no,no.I’dthoughtthismorningwouldbeaboutdiscussingrulesandconditions,allthefinedetails,includingmyblankcheckrequest.Noonehadsaidanythingaboutbeingthrustintothespotlight.Inaninstant,thewarmfeelinginmystomachwasreplacedwithwildbutterflies.“Youwantmetotalktoreporters?”
“Loganwilldomostofthetalking.But—”Sheheldoutherhand.Amazingly,astafferwalkedupfromthecopymachineandplacedapieceofpaperinitlikeclockwork.“Wehaveyourtalkingpointsrighthere.”Sheside-eyedme.“Isthatwhatyou’rewearing?”
Mymouthdroppedopen.“Noonetoldme—”
“Okay,okay,forgetIsaidanything.”Shewaved.“Comeon,we’retightontime.Iwashopingyou’dcomeinthroughthefrontsothereporterscouldseeyou.”
“WhatdoIevensaytothem?”I’dwatchedsomeofLee’spressconferences.Therewasthatnicecontrolledpartatthebeginningwhenshetalked,sure,butafterthatitalwaysexplodedintopandemonium,reportershurlingquestionslikebaseballs,tryingtostrikeherout.Icouldn’thandlethatlevelofconfrontation—Iwasterrifiedeventhinkingaboutpublicspeaking.Besides,Ihadn’tevenbeentrained.Therewasgoingtobetraining,right?LastnightbeforebedI’dpictureditassomesortofKarateKid–stylemontagewhereIslowlyimprovedoverthecourseofonebitchingsongfromtheeighties.
“Whatdidwedecideon?”Norastudiedthesheet.“Oh,right.YouandLoganmetayearagowhenhestartedattendingcampaigneventsinsupportofyoursister.”
“Hedid?”
“Yup.Ralliedforherhard.Atotalcoincidence,butwe’vegotthatonrecord,sothat’llcheckoutnicely.He’stheonewhoapproachedyouafteratownhallandstruckupaconversation—we’repaintingyouastheshyone.”
“IthinkIcanhandlethat.”
Shescannedfartherdownthesheet.“Thetwoofyoubondedoveryoursharedpassionforcommunityengagement,improvingliteracy,and…children’sfantasynovels.Isthatlastoneajoke?Loganaddedit.SometimesIcan’ttellwhenhe’sjokingornot.It’sthequasi-Britishdelivery.”
“Morelikehimtrollingme,”Isaid,feelingthebutterfliesbeattheirwings.
“Right.Well,yourfirstdatewassixmonthsago,atthisItalianplacecalledIlTempesto.Logansaysit’sromantic.”
ThatwaswhereAnnieandZoeyhadgottenengaged.Itwastheperfectdatespot.IhadasuddenstrangemomentofwistfulnessforthelifeNorawasdescribing.
“You’vebeendatingeversincebutkeepingyourrelationshipprivatebecauseneitherofyouwantedittodistractfromyourwork.You’recomingforwardnow,obviously,becausepeoplehavethegalltosuggestyou’reafling.”Noraeyedme.“You’retakingnotesonmytone,right?Thegall.”
“Gotit.”Inwardly,Ishookmyhead.I’dneverpulloffthatkindofrighteousindignation.“Whatdowesayifsomeonefromthebarremembersus?Therewasthisguy,Carter—”
“Logantoldme.Yousaythetwoofyouhavewaysofkeepingthespicealive,andoneofthemispretendingtobestrangers.Wefigurewecangetalotofmileageoutofthatexcuse.”Sheturnedtome.“Okay,we’rehere.”
Andsomehow,wewere.I’dgottensocaughtupinthestoryofmyloveaffairIhadn’tregisteredwe’dreachedthedoor.Norasquintedatme,thenbrushedinvisiblelintoffmydressandfluffedmyhair.“Bestwecando,”shesaid,whichwasn’texactlycomforting.
“Wait—”
“You’lldogreat.LetLogantakethelead,thenhe’llpromptyou.Whenindoubt,mixalittletruthinwithyourlie.It’swhattheprosdo.Thereheis.Good,yougotthepin.”
Loganhurriedup,buffinganAmericanflagpinonhislapel.“Weready?”
“No,”Isaid,atthesametimeNorasaid,“Aswe’lleverbe.Knock’emdead.”
Twostaffersswungopenthedoubledoors,andtheretheywere,awholecrowdofreportersgatheredatthebottomofthesteps.Well,maybeonlyten,butbetweenthepopsoflightfromtheircameras,theyelledquestions,andthescamperingproductionassistants,itfeltlikeahundred.Ifroze,rootedtothefloor.
“Allgood,”Logansaid,eyessweepingthecrowd.Heslippedhishandinsidemineandsqueezed.“They’rejustnerdswithmicrophones.”
Ididn’thavetimetowonderatthewarmpressureofhishand,thewaycalmspreadthroughme,becauseLoganwasgrimace-smilingandstridingtowardthepodiumatthetopofthestairs,tuggingmealong.Hesteppedbehinditandtiltedthemicrophonewithhisfreehand.Belowus,thereportersfellquiet.Ilookedatthem,heartpounding.TherewereafewfacesIrecognized—likethere,inthecorner,CBS12’sTrishaSmith.Actualnewscelebritieshadturneduptohearusspeak.
IwasgratefulforLogan’sstronggrip,keepingmetethered.
“Goodmorning.”Logan’sdeepvoicerangout,carriedbythemicrophone.“Thanksforcomingonsuchshortnotice.I’msureyouallhadbusydaysplannedchasingambulancesandtryingtogettheattorneygeneraltosaysomethingabouthisofficebrothelscandalonahotmic.”
Oh,God,washe—insultingthem?Butthereportersonlychuckledandshooktheirheadsliketheywereusedtothis.
“Comparedtothat,thisstatementaboutmylovelifeisgoingtoseemprettytame.Fewersordiddetails,Icanguarantee.”
Openlaughter.Istoodstraighter.Hewascharmingthem?
“Iwishtherewasthismuchinterestinmyplantoimprovepublicdatainfrastructure,butalas.Sinceyou’reallsokeentoknow:yes,AlexisStoneandIaredating.”Hepausedandlookedatme.Inmysheernervousness,withmyheartbeatinglikeahummingbird’s,IsmiledsowidetherewasnowayIdidn’tlookderanged.“It’sbeensixmonthsnow.Though,tobehonest,she’shadmyheartsincethefirstdayIsawheracrosstheroomatatownhall,wearingthisruby-reddress.Ithoughttomyself:nowthatisthemostbeautiful,mostfascinatingwomanI’veeverseen.Iwouldbeluckytoknowher.Ittookmeawhiletoworkupthenervetosaysomething,which—”hisgazeshiftedbacktothereporters“—youjokersknowisrarelyanissueforme.”
Moreappreciativelaughter.Itwassurreal:LoganspoketheliessoeffortlesslythatIwashalfconvincedmyself.Withhisthumbrubbingacomfortingcircleonmyhand,itwashardtodistinguishfictionfromreality.Hewasverygood.Iwasgrudginglyimpressed.
“Weweretryingtokeepourprivatelife,youknow,private.IncludingtheeveningwespentattheFleurdeLis.”ThistimeLoganpracticallygrowledthewords.“ButsinceGovernorManeisattemptingtomakemountainsoutofmolehillsbygoingaftermepersonally—aclearsignheknowshecan’tcompeteonpolicy—”Moresnickering.“I’mheretonipthisinthebudandintroduceyoutoAlexis.Sincemygirlfriendisquitecapableofspeakingforherself,I’lllethertellyou.Alexis?”
Myturnalready?Loganwaslookingatmeinapromptingsortofway,andtheeyesofthegatheredreportershadturnedtome,theirexpressionsanticipatory,soallsignspointedtoyes.Naturally,allthoughtsflewfrommyhead.
“Uhhhh…”Therewasalumpinmythroat.Icouldn’tformwordsaroundit.“Hi,I’m…Alexis…asLogansaid…Andweare,um…dating.Obviously.”InslowmotionIfloatedoutsidemybodytowatchthetrainwreckunfoldfromasafedistance.He’dsaidtotellthemaboutme,right?Butwhatwouldtheywanttoknow?Whatwasimportantaboutme?“I’malibrarian.LeeStone’syoungersister.SenatorLeeStone,thatis.Ilikereadingand,um,children…”Ilikechildren?WhowasI,WillyWonka?Iwasbunglingthissobadly.IlookedatLoganindesperation.
Hegavemyhandonequicksqueezeandsmiledatthereporters,whoworelooksofconfusion.Whichwasonlyappropriateafterwitnessingagrownwomanstruggletostringtwelvewordstogether.“It’sjustlikeAlexistobesomodest.Thetruthis,sheservesourcommunityinalotofways:asachildren’slibrarian,anadultliteracytutor,oneofAustin’syearlybookdrivevolunteers.AndasamemberofSenatorStone’scampaignteam,wheresheworkedtoincreasevoterparticipation.”
Clearly,Iwasn’ttheonlyonewho’ddonesomeGooglinglastnight.Whenhesaiditlikethat,Ididsoundrathernice.
“Mostimportant,though,iswhosheis.Alexishasawarm,tenderheartandamountainofcompassion.”Isnappedmyheadtohim,caughtbysurprise.“She’stherealdeal,andI’mproudtobedatingher.Sonowthatyouknow,Ihopewecangetbacktodiscussingmoreimportantissuesthanmydatinglife,likethechangesTexansdeserve.Thankyou.Haveagoodday.”
Ididn’thavetimetolingeroverwhathe’djustsaidbecause,likeinLee’spressconferences,thereporterstookLogan’scurtdismissalasaninvitationtostarthurlingquestions.
“Logan,whatdoyoumakeofthegovernor’sclaimthatyou’retooimmaturetogovern?”amaninabaseballcapyelled.
“WhatdoyouthinkofLolexisasyourcouplename?”calledawomannearthefront,withhairsostifflystyleditlookedlikeablondhelmet.“Loganna?Alexagan?”
Wehadacouplenamealready?WhydidtheyallsoundlikethenameofanevilwitchfromArthurianlore?
“Alexis,whatdoyouthinkabouttherumorsthatyourboyfriend’saplayboy?”calledareporterwhoIswearcouldn’tbeolderthansixteen.Wasitevenlegalforhimtobehere,sayingthewordplayboy?
ButLoganignoredthemall,turningawayfromthepodiumwithseasonedindifference.
“Alexis!”Afamiliarvoicecutthroughthedin.“What’sLoganlikeinbed?”
Thecrowdquieted.Loganstiffenedmidstride,thenturnedandmarchedbacktothepodium.Hedippedhisheadclosetothemic.“That’sstriketwo,Trisha.OnemoreandI’mbanningyoufrommyevents.You’regoingtobestuckcoveringMane’sboring-ass,two-hour-longspeechesatcountryclubs.DoyouwanttodrinkArnoldPalmersandeatJell-Osalad,Trisha?Doyou?”
Lightspoppedasthecamerasflashed.Thereporterswerecrackingup,andallheadsturnedtolocalnewscelebrityTrishaSmith,whomerelyshrugged,unapologetic.“Thepeoplewanttoknow,Mr.Arthur.Can’tblameagirlfortrying.”
Loganrolledhiseyesinawaythatmadeitclearheverymuchcouldblameher,thenspunaway.Thereportersexplodedoncemore,tossingquestionsatourbacks.IflinchedeverytimeIheardmyname,fightingthenaturalinstincttoturn.ButLoganstrodedeterminedlytotheoffice,andthedoubledoorsswungopen.Stafferspulledusinsideandshutthedoorstight.
“Really,Logan?”Noradidn’tmissabeat,waitingattheentrancewithherhandsonherhips.“Boring-assspeeches?Youknowthatclip’sgoingtoplayoneveryTVstationinthestate.Youcouldn’tjustleavewellenoughalone,couldyou?”
Someonethrustawaterbottleatme,andItookitgratefully,chuggingcoldliquiddownmyburningthroat.
“Shecrossedtheline,”Logangrowled.“IthinkIwasexceedinglynicegiventhecircumstances.”
“Oh,yes,youwereateddybear.SuchaKennedymomentforyou.”Nora’seyesflickedtome.“Andyou…”Igulpedthelastmouthfulofmywater.“Ican’tevenstartonyou.There’snotenoughtime.Theimportantthingis,thegovernorcanceledhispresser.Wescoopedhim.”
Astafferrushedup,sweatonhisbrow.“Logan,there’sbeenanoilleakinthegulf.WeneedtogetoutastatementASAP.”
“Shit,”hesaid,andthewholeroomexplodedintomotion.
“Getthatenvironmentalpolicyprofessorontheline,”NoracalledasCaryranby.
“Talksoon,”Logansaidtome,butitwaspracticallyanafterthought.Hewasalreadymoving,stafferscrowdingeveryside,ontothenextdisaster.Itwasn’tuntilhedroppedmyhandthatIrealizedhowmuchI’dbeencountingonthatwarmpressuretogroundme.Iwasthelonepersonstandingstillinsideawhirlwind.AsIwatchedthebackofhisdark,curlyheadmovedownthehall,suddenlyIfeltthepressurechangeinmyears,likeI’djumpedunderwater,feet-firstintothedeepend.
WhathadIgottenmyselfinto?9HurricaneLee
TheknockatthedoorwassoforcefulIjerkedupfromthecouch.Theknockingkeptgoing,andeventhoughthismadetwounannouncedvisitorsintwenty-fourhours—apersonalrecord—mystomachcurdled.Iknewexactlywhostoodontheothersideofthatdoor.Theonlypersoninmylifewiththecombinedgallandupperbodystrengthtotakethedooroffthehinges.
“AlexisRosalieStone!Youopenthisdoorrightnow!”
Mydarlingsister.
ThesecondItwistedthedoorknobLeepushedthrough,rocketingpastmelikeaTasmaniandevil,rattlingthepicturesonmyentrytableandgustingupthecurtains.“Icannotbelieveyou’redatingLoganArthur.Ofallpeople!”
ItwasamiracleIcouldparseherwords,givenherscreechhadclimbedsohighIwasprettysureitnowregisteredasadoglanguage.Ifollowedher.“Okay,it’sactuallyafunny—”
“Andyouhiditfromme.Likeasneak.”Leereachedmylivingroom,andinonefluidmotionkickedoffherheelsandstartedpacingbarefootaroundthecoffeetable.“Don’tyouknowIhavetoendorseManesincehebackedmyGreenMachinebill?Areyoutryingtostartafamilywar?”
“Loganbackedyou,too,”Isaid,feelinglikethatwasanimportantplacetostart.“Hischiefofstaffsayshecametoyourcampaignevents.”
Leethrewupherhands.“Andyouforcedmetofindoutfromthenews.WhenIsawyoupopuponCBS12,doyouknowwhatIdid?IspitwaterallovermyassistantTrey,andnowTreyhastosignacontractagreeinghewon’tsuemeforharassment!Youknow,IheardtherumoryesterdaythatLoganArthurwascaughthalf-nakedinpublicwithsomewoman.ButIrefusedtogossipaboutittoprotectthepoorunwittinggirl.Imaginemysurprisetofindoutthatgirlwasmyveryownsister!”
“Iwouldn’tsayIwasunwitting—”Lee’sfacedarkened.“Look,Iamsorryaboutsurprisingyou,”Isaid,usingmymostmollifyingtone.“IhadnoideaIwaswalkingintoapressconferencetoday.Didyouseemyhair?”
Shekickedthecarpet.“Itdidlookalittleflat.”
“Exactly.Notthehairofsomeonewhoknewshe’dbeonTV.”AsIlookedather,standinginmylivingroomradiatingindignation,theimpulsetoassuageLeelessened.Initsplace,atrickleofannoyancebubbled.“Though,youknow…maybeifyoubotheredtalkingtomeinsteadofsendingyourfriendstodoit,you’dknowalittlemoreaboutmylife.”
Lee’smouthdroppedopen,butnosoundcameout.I’dactuallyachievedtheimpossible:renderedmysisterspeechless.“Ididn’trealize—”shestammered.“I’vejustbeensobusy—”
“Yeah.”Igavealittlelaugh.“It’salmostlikeyou’reperfectlyfinelivingyourlifewithoutme.”
“Lex.Youdon’treallythinkthat,doyou?”
DidIeverworrythateventuallymyoldersister’slifewouldgetsobigandfullofotherpeopleandaccomplishmentsthatI’dnolongerbeapriority?Thatmaybenowthatwewereadults,withfewerfamilyobligationstokeepusineachother’sorbits,she’drealizeshesimplydidn’tlikemeenoughasapersontostayclose?
“No,”Isaid.“Ofcoursenot.”
Westoodmotionlessintheunconvincingsilence.
“It’salie,”Isaid,inanefforttochangethesubject.“MeandLogan.Ourentirerelationshipisfake.”
IfI’dstumpedLeebefore,thistimeIbrokeher.Ascarletflushclimbedherneck.“It’swhat?”
I’dswornnottospillthesecret,ofcourse,butI’dbelyingifIsaidtherewasn’tsomepartofmethattookpleasureinbeingtheinterestingoneforachange.“It’sacover-up.SoLogancanwardoffthegovernor’sattackandIdon’tlosemyjobtoprudishparents.”
“But—how—when—”Lee’seyesdancedbackandforthasshetriedtofitthepiecestogether.Finally,shesettledon:“Why?”
Asenjoyableasitwastoholdallthecards,IputLeeoutofhermiseryandtoldhereverything.WhenIfinished,Istoodgrinning,waitingforhertocongratulatemeonbeingboldandballsyandmaybeevenone-uppingher.
Butherexpression,carefullyblankwhileI’drecounted,turneddisbelieving.Sheshookherhead.“Ican’tbelieveyou’redoingthisagain.”
Iblinked,caughtoffguard.“Iknowlyingiswrong,but—”
“It’snotaboutthelying.Ican’tbelieveyouagreedtobeLoganArthur’strophygirlfriend.Aproptohelpamanwinoffice.Youshouldn’tplaythegoodwife,Alexis—youshouldbethedamncandidateyourself!”
“Idon’twanttobethe—”Istarted,butLeerolledrightoverme.
“What’stheplan?You’regoingtostandbyLogan’sside,silentandsmilingpretty,whilehetacklesallthesubstantivepolicyquestionswithhisbigmanbrain?That’severythingIfoughtagainstwiththatdouche-canoeHayesAdams.Youremember—youwerethere!”
“OfcourseIremember.”LeehadrunagainstHayesAdams,ahigh-profilebillionaire,forherstatesenateseat.Misogynyhadrunrampantineverythingfromthedifferenttreatmenttheygotfromreporterstothepublic’sreceptionofeachoftheirstrongpersonalities.WhileLeegotquestionsaboutwhatdesignersshewaswearing,Hayesgotpolicyquestions.AndeventhoughHayeswasaself-proclaimedfeminist,he’dletitgounchallenged.“Thisistotallydifferent.”
“Youjustmettheguydaysago.Doyouevenagreewithhisideas?Oh,God.Whatifhe’soneofthoseDemocratswhosupportscharterschoolsorcarbontaxes?That’sournameattached.”Leedidn’tgivemetheopportunitytotellherI’dvettedhimbeforeshewasontothenextquestion.“WhatisLoganArthurevendoingrunningforgovernor?Thatchildislike,twenty-fiveyearsold.”
“He’solderthanyou!”
“Honestly,whodoeshethinkheis?”
“OhmyGod,”Isaid,soundinglikeateenager.Beholdtheterribletime-travelingpowerofarguingwithyoursibling.“First,Logan’saprogressiverunningagainstaRepublicanforcontrolofthestate,soyoushouldbealloverthat.AndofcourseIagreewithhispolitics—sodoyou.Infact,hewantstobuildonyourGreenMachinelawandrequireallprivatecontractorstogogreeniftheywantagovernmentcontract.”IfeltatriumphantsecondwindatLee’sexpression:shewasimpresseddespiteherself.Truly,Googlehadneverletmedown.“Second,yousoundjealous.”
“That’sridiculous.Idon’teverwanttobegovernor.”Leegotafarawaylookinhereyes.“DoI?”Sheshookherhead.“No.I’mrunningforCongresswhenmytermisup.Thepointis,you’revolunteeringtobeanaccessoryforthisguyandyoudon’tevenknowifyoulikehim.”
“Benstandsnexttoyouandhe’snotjustanaccessory.Iwon’tbeLogan’s.”
Aspeculativelookcreptintohereyes.“Waitasec.You’redoingthatthingyoudo—makingthatface.AlexisStone,areyouintoLogan?Isthatwhyyou’redoingthis?”
Itwasmyturntosputter.“Ofcoursenot.DidIthinkhewasagoodcandidateforaone-nightstand?Sure,I’llcoptothat.”EventhememoryofLogangrinningatmefromacrossthetablehadmyheartratespiking.“Butinmydefense,Ihaven’tsleptwithanyoneinmonths.Myjudgmentiscloudy.”
“Ew,Alexis!Nowonderyou’remakingterribledecisions.Youneedtosleepwithsomeoneimmediately.Doyouwantmetomakeacall?”
“No!”Ipulledatmyhairandadisconcertingamountcameoffinmyhands.ArguingwithLeeshouldcomewithahealthadvisory.“I’mjustsaying,itneverwentbeyondphysicalattraction.IdothinkLoganhasgreatpolicyideas,butpersonality-wise,he’samenace.Arrogant,thinkshe’ssmarterthaneveryone,haszeroconceptofthedifferencebetweenalielieandawhitelie.”
“Huh,”Leehuffed.“Hesoundslikemytype,notyours.”
“Don’tgetanyideas.”
“Please.”Sheshotmeaninjuredlook.“YouknowI’mreformed.”
Weglaredateachother,trappedinadeadlock,neitherofuswillingtoadmitthattheconversationhadveeredsofaroffcoursewe’dforgottenpreciselywhereitwassupposedtogo.
“Aha!”Shesnappedherfingers.“You’reatrophywife.That’swhyI’mmad.”
“Igetsomethingoutofthis,too,”Iprotested.“They’regoingtogivemewhateverIwantassoonasIfigureitout.Theypromised.”
Lee’sfacefell,herfeaturesshiftingintoanexpressionamilliontimesworsethananger.Disappointment.
“Lee—”Itriedtostaveitoff.
Butshebentandscoopedherheelsfromthefloor.“Youknowwhat?Itreallysuckswatchingyouwaitaroundsohopefullyforpeopletogiveyouthingsthey’renevergoingtogiveyou.Especiallywhenitcomestomen.You’vegottostoplettingotherpeoplecontrolyourlife.Stopplayingsecondfiddle.”
I’dbeenreachingtohalther,butstoppedshort.That’swhatshethoughtofme?Itwasonethingtoreflectonmyownareasforimprovement,butanothertohaveLee—thepersonIadmiredmostintheworld—voicethesamethoughts.Butlikealways,theanxietyofbeinginanargumentmademystomachtightenandthroatfeelthick,soIcouldbarelyspeak.“Idon’tthinkthat’swhatI’mdoing,”Imanaged.
Shelookedatmeandsighed.“Idon’twanttofight,Lex.ButI’myourbigsister.IhavetocallitlikeIseeit.Iknowyouhaveaspineinthere.Foronce,I’dliketoseeyouuseit.”Shewalkedout,squeezingmyshoulderasshepassed.Ilistenedtothefrontdooropenandclosequietly,butremainedimmobileinthelivingroom.
Okay.Thatonehurt.10LifeIsShort,ArtIsLong
“Ifshewould’vejusttoldhimabouttheirlovechildandnotfeltshehadtoraisethebabyinsecret,theprincewould’verebelledagainsthisfamilyandwhiskedherawaytohiscastleinItaly.”Murielsighed.“Trustme,I’mallforindependentwomen,butit’sacrimetobethatstubborn.”
Theteacher’sloungewasmercifullyemptytoday:justme,Muriel,andGiasittingatthecovetedcornertable,akathetablefarthestfromthemicrowaveandallitsweirdambientsmells.Ourromancebookclubmeetingswerealwayslivelywhentherewasnoonearoundtoinhibitourdeepdivesintothesteamyscenes.
“ButifSophiadidn’thaveastubbornstreak,thebookwouldbefiftypages,max,”Giacountered.“Itwouldbenothingbutameet-cuteandsexscenes.”SheandMurielfellsilentforamoment.ThenMurielsaid,“I’dratherlikethat,cometothinkofit.Whataboutyou,Alexis?”
Theuseofmynamestartledmeoutofmyhead,whereI’dbeenreplayingmyconversationwithLeeforthehundredthtime.“Sorry—whatwasthequestion?”
“You’vebeeninanotherworldallday.”Giatsked.SheheldupThePrince’sSecretinallitsbabyblue–jacketedglory.Thehandsomeprincewinkedatmefromthecover.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing,”Isaid,whichwasabald-facedlie.Gettingintoargumentswithanyone—especiallyLee—mademephysicallyill.Mystomachhadbeenroilingallday,andithadbeenhardtoconcentrateonanything,evenbookclub,whichwasnormallymyfavoritepartoftheweek.
MurielslappedGia’sshoulder,amovementthatjostledherpinkandbluescarves.Theymatchedournovel’scoverbecauseMurielwasnext-levelfestivelikethat.“It’sobvious,isn’tit?She’sdaydreamingaboutLogan.Whoneedsafictionalprincewhenyouhaveareal-lifegorgeousgovernor-to-be?”
Gia’seyeswentwide.Uh-oh.Wewerefinallyopeningthiscanofworms.EversinceambushingmewithTheWatcherontheHillpost,MurielandGiahadrespectfullyskirtedthetopic,pickinguponthefactthatIwasflusteredbytheattention.ButIknewtheywereonlybidingtheirtime,andapparentlyourdiscussionofPrinceRupertandSophia’sillicitaffairwasemboldeningenoughtomakethattimetoday.“Istillcan’tbelieveyoukepthimasecretforsolong,”Giasaid.“Datingsixwholemonths.”
“Ilovethatitwasasecret.”Murielsighedwistfully.“There’snothingmoreromanticthanaclandestinerelationship.”
“Wedidn’twanttodistractfromLogan’scampaign,”Isaid,feelingmythroatdryup.HowhadLogansoldthisstorysoeffortlessly?He’dtalkedabouthisfeelingsformeinfrontofthereporterswithstartlingease.“Really,thedetailsaren’tthatexciting.”
Murielsnorted.“Howaboutyouspillandletmedecide?Useoursteam-ratingsystem.IsLoganathree-orfour-eggplantkindofguy?”Atmysilence,hereyeswidened.“Fiveeggplants?”
“Ugh,Muriel,noeggplants.”
“Logan’spackingnoeggplant?”
Ihuffed.“That’snotwhatImeant—”
“You’vebeendatingformonths,”Giarepeated.“AndhereIwas,thinkingyouwerestillhunguponChris.”Therewasahintofhurtinhervoicethatmademewince.FirstLee,nowGia.
“Ireallywantedtotellyou,”Isaidgently,puttingahandonherarm.“Wejustknewthepresswouldgoberserkifitleaked.Andyouknowme.Thatkindofattention’smynightmare.”AnightmareI’djustwillinglysignedupfor.
Gianodded,lookingslightlymollified,andIbreathedasighofrelief.Mydecisionwasfeelinglesslikeagoodonewitheachpassingday.Afterarestlessnighttossingandturning,I’dwokenatanungodlyhourtofindanemailfromNoraalreadywaitinginmyinbox.IthadanintimidatingNDAattachedandalinktoLogan’sprivateeventcalendar,withdateshighlightedIwas“stronglyencouraged”toattend.Therewasalsoafifty-two-pagemediatrainingguide,withanominousnotetoexpectpopquizzes.NotexactlymyKarateKidfantasycometolife.
“Iloveagoodtwo-different-worldsstory,”Murielsaiddreamily.“You’rejustlikeThePrince’sSecret.Ahandsomerulerandhislovelypeasantparamour.”
Istartedtosmile,gratefulMurielwasmovingtheconversationalong,thenfrownedasitdawnedonmethatIwasthepeasant.
“JustlikePrinceRupert,Logandeclaredhisloveforyouontelevisioninfrontofthewholeworld,butyoustillstubbornlydemur.”
Okay,somaybethereweresomeparallels.ButwhenMuriel’seyescreptdowntomystomach,surreptitiouslycheckingforababybump,itwasabridgetoofar.Ifoldedmyarmsovermystomachandshotherawarninglook.
“Truthfully,”Giasaid,“I’mgladyouhavesuchafulllifeoutsideschool.”Shewassmilingatme,buthereyesweretingedwithsadness.“Sincenoneofusknowwhat’sgoingtohappennext…”Shegesturedattheemptyteacher’slounge.
Theweightinmychest,momentarilyliftedbyMuriel’ssilliness,droppedbackwithathud.WhilethegossipaboutmyrelationshipwithLoganhadbeenabriefbutwelcomedistraction,theimpendingbudgetcutshadrecasttheirpallovertheteachersandstaffofBartonSprings.Nowthatthenewswasout,theonlythinglefttodowaswaitandgrimlyspeculateaboutwhowasgoingtogettheaxe.Iwasprettysurethat’swhytheteacher’sloungewasempty.Whenweweretogether,itwashardnottolookaroundandclockthepeopleyoudidn’texpecttoreturn.I’msurealotofpeoplewereclockingme.
Murieldroppedherheadinherhands.“ThisiswhyIpreferfictiontoreallife.WhenPrinceRupertdiscoversSophiacan’taffordhermedicalbills,hesimplymakesallmaternalhealthcareinAlgroviafree.Meanwhile,mydaughterCarmenhasbeenfightingtomakehealthcareaffordableforyearsandnoonewilllisten.ThisiswhyIreadallday
I’dutteredtheexactsamesentimentonanumberofoccasions.Whyparticipateinhardanddisappointingrealitywhenyoucouldescapeintoabook?Butthenithitmelikeaboltoflightning,jarringandwhite-hotuncomfortable:ifIwasreallyhonest,partofwhatIwasdoingwhenIcurledupwithmybookswaswaiting.Waitingforsomeoneelsetoswoopinandtakecareofthehardstuff,likeLeewassogoodat,orwaitingtomeettherightguywhowouldmagicallysolveallmyproblems,likePrinceRuperttriedtodoforSophia.NowonderSophiaranofftotakecareofthingsonherown.Suddenly,despiteMuriel’sprotests,Sophia’schoicemadeawholelotofsensetome.Sometimesyouhadtosaveyourself.MaybeIdidn’thavealotofpracticebeingtheonewhosteppedupandtookcharge,butIcouldtry.Infact,nowthatIthoughtaboutit,theanswertowhatIshouldaskLogan’scampaignforhadbeenstaringmeinthefacethiswholetime.
God,romancenovelsweresmart.
“Ladies,”Isaid,raisingafingertosilencetheirchatter.“Holdthatthought.”Istraightenedmyspine,pickedupmyphone,andopenedLogan’scalendar.Itwastimetocashinmycheck.11BackroomDealing
“I’msorry,youwantwhat?”
IfIhadn’tbeensonervous,Iprobablywould’veappreciatedthesightofLogan’sunflappablechiefofstaffstrugglingtowraphermindaroundmyrequest,blinkingatmefromtheothersideofadingycoffeetableinabackofficeattheTexasAntiqueCarSocietyheadquarters.ButsinceIwasexceedinglynervous,Ijustgulpedandforcedmyselftositstraighter,lestNorainterpretanyslumpedpostureasasignofweakness.Leehadsaidtoshowmyspine,afterall.
“It’sreallyquitesimple,”Isaid.“AllI’maskingis—”
Thedoortotheroomflewopen.“Oi,Nora,”Loganboomed.“Thistimeyou’vegonetoofar.Idon’tunderstandwhyIhadtoshowsomuchskin—”Heroundedthecorner,caughtsightofme,andfroze.Cary,followingclosebehind,ranintoLogan’sbackandbouncedoff.
“Hey,whattheheck?”CaryglaredatLogan,rubbinghisjaw,thenregisteredme.“Oh.It’syou.Fakegirlfriend.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Loganhastilyrebuttonedhisdressshirt,which,whenopen,hadshowedatantalizinghintofhischestthatmademerecallthehotelsuite,whenhe’dstrippedwhilestridingtome.“Iwasn’texpectingyou.”
Isweptmygazetohisshoes.Saferterritory.“IcametotellyouwhatIwantformyblankcheckrequest.”
“Andit’sadoozy.”Norawavedahandatthemismatchedfurniturearoundthecoffeetable.“Youshouldsit.Butfirst,sinceyouobviouslyneedreminding,ItoldyoumembersoftheAntiqueCarSocietyareolder,upper-incomeconstituentswithlotsoftimeontheirhands.Eighty-fivepercentvotedinthelastelection.They’reauniquelyengagedpopulationandtheyappreciateanattractivepackage.Youmaynotbeanantiquecar,butwiththatsecondbuttonundone,you’reapackageIcansell.”
“Oh,don’tworry.Loganrevvedtheirengines.”Caryfloppedontothearmchairnexttomineandgrinnedgleefully.
Logangloweredathim.“Youknow,itwasgoingprettywell.IactuallygotsomedecentquestionsaboutmyretirementreformsintheQandA.AndthenthemeetandgreetstartedandtheymobbedmelikeIwas’61Ferrari.Icanstillfeelthephantomhandspattingmybum.PrettysurethewordsAren’tyouanice-lookingyoungman,wouldyouliketomeetmygranddaughter?aregoingtohauntmydreamstonight.”HesighedandsanknexttoNoraontheloveseat,droppinghisheadbackandclosinghiseyes.Mygazedrifteddownhisexposedthroat,Adam’sapplebobbingasheswallowed,untilIrealizedwhatIwasdoingandforcedmyeyesaway.
Itwasstillsurrealthatlessthanaweekago,Ihadn’tbeenabletokeepmyhandsoffthismaninanelevator.Thememorieskeptsurfacingatthemostinopportunemoments.Likethisone.ThemeresightofLogan’sthroatcrackedtheveneerofmyprofessionalism,causingahoteruptionoflonging,aflashbacktowhatitfeltliketotouchhim.ItremindedmethatIknewthewayhetasted,howitfelttobepressedagainsthischest,thesoundofhisbreathcomingshallowandfast,evenifnoneofitwouldhappenagain.
One-nightstands—evenunfinishedones—wereahellofadrug.
“Isitnormalforpeopletobealloveryouatevents?”IaskedLogan,tryingtodistractmyself.Ihadn’tanticipatedrunningforofficewouldbesomuchlikebeingaBeatle.Leehadbeenpopular,sure—she’dwonherrace—butnoonehadevermobbedher.
“No,”Loganmuttered,hiseyesstillclosed.“AskCarywhythistimewasdifferent.”
Carycrossedonelegovertheother,nonplussed.“Yeahso,I’mtryingtoturnLoganintoasexsymbol.It’smycontributiontothecampaign.I’vemadeatonofheadwaywithpeopleoversixty—don’taskmewhy,maybeit’sLogan’scurmudgeonfactor.Ifiguredthecarsocietywastheperfectplacetotesthisappeal.Imighthave…youknow,hypedthecrowdabittoomuchinthemeetandgreetline.Inmydefense,Iforgothowhandsystraightpeoplecouldbe.”
“Remindmetofireyoulater,”Logansighed.
Norashookherhead.“That’sthethirdfiringthisweek,Mr.Berry.Anewrecord.”
Carychuckled,thennoticedmestaring.“What?”
“YournameisCaryBerry?”
Heraisedaneyebrow.“Youdon’tseememakingfunofyourname,Alex-but-make-it-more-complicated.”
Loganopenedaneyeandsmirkedatme.“DriveshimnutswhenIcallhimbyhisfullnameoutonthesoccerfield.Therhymejustrollsoffthetongue.”
Carysighed.“Istillfinditoutrageousthatmypersonalassistantrolehasbeengrosslyinflatedtoincludesoccercompanionship.”
Likethetwowereinaping-pongmatch,IturnedtoLogan,butheonlyshrugged.“Ihadtodropoutofmyleaguewhenthecampaignstarted.Carysaidhe’dplaywheneverIneededtoblowoffsteam.Theguy’sgotnoonetoblamebuthimself.”
“Yes,”Carysaiddryly.“Don’tyouloveitwhenyoumakeridiculouspromisesinajobinterviewandthenyou’reforcedtoactuallyfulfillthem?”
Noratappedherwatch.“Andthat’syourtwominutesallottedtononsense.Alexis,goaheadandtellLoganwhatyoutoldme.”
Huh.Loganmustemitsomesortofhypnoticgravitationalfield,becausewheneverIwasnearhim,itdidn’tmatterifIwasabouttofacedownreportersormakeahigh-stakessalespitch:itwastooeasytogetsuckedintohisorbitandforgetabouteverythingelse,includingmyfear.Switchinggears,Iclaspedmyhandsprimlyonmykneesandtriedtosummonasenseofauthority.BesttojustlaunchintowhatI’drehearsedandignoretheheatbloomingeverywhereLogan’sdarkeyestrailed.
“Inthelastdecade,”Ibegan,“thelegislaturehasmadecutstotheeducationbudgetthathaveresultedinatremendousblowtotheworkforce.Thenumberofstaffemployedinpublicschoolshasdroppedtwenty-fivepercentinthelastfiveyearsalone,whichinturnhasresultedinlargerclasssizes,lessindividualattentionforstudents,lowercollegeadmissionsrates,decreasedaccesstolibraries,musicclasses,andarttrainings,andadeeplydemoralizedteachingbody.Andithasdisproportionatelyimpactedlow-incomecommunitiesandcommunitiesofcolor.”Iwasn’tLeebyanymeans—Ilackedherrhetoricalswagger—butIhadalwaysbeenabletocountonresearch.IhopedLoganandhisteamwouldfindthefactsandfigurescompellingenough.“Wordisthelegislature’sgearinguptocutagain,andiftheotherschoolsinthestateareanythinglikemine,everyteacherfeelsliketheapocalypseisnigh.”
“Thebudgetissomethinglegislatorsareresponsiblefor,”Norasaid.“Notus.”
“Yes,butgovernorsendorseorrejectbudgetsintheend.SoLoganhasabullypulpit.”ThankGodIhadn’tglazedoverthelasttimeLeeventedsoIcouldimpressthemwiththetermbullypulpit
“Whatexactlyareyouproposing?”Loganwasfrowning.Icouldn’ttellifhewasdeepinthoughtordeeplyskeptical.
Itookasteadyingbreath.“Thatwepromisetonotonlystopthenextbudgetcut,butreverseit.Iwanttofightforanincreaseinfundingtohiremoreteachersandstaff,andgiveeveryonewhoworksinschoolsamodestpayraise.Atleastenoughsotheycanaffordtheclassroomsuppliestheypayforoutoftheirownpockets.”
“I’msorry,Alexis.”Inyetanothersharpsuittonight—thistimeelectricblue—andwithherlocspulledintoanimmaculateFrenchbraid,NoraradiatedtheauthorityIwasstrivingfor.“It’snotthatIdon’tthinkit’saworthwhilecause.Butputtingasidethefactthatdoinganythingtothestatebudgetiswildlycomplicated,andthatwe’vealreadychosenourpolicypriorities,it’saconflictofinterest.Logancan’tcampaignforanincreaseinfundingthatwoulddirectlybenefithisgirlfriend.”
“He’snot,”Isaid.“I’mgoingtocampaignforit.”
Sheblinkedatme.
“Um,I’msorry.”Caryleanedcloser.“Whatwasthatnow?”
“Iwantmyownplatform.”IsatupasstraightasIcouldinthelumpyarmchair.“Iunderstandyou’llhavetocrunchthenumbersandfigureoutexactlywhatwecanpromise.AndthatIwouldbeusingyourcampaigntoadvocateforsomethingthatbenefitsmepersonally.Butsowhat?Corporationshirelobbyiststofightforthemallthetime.”IthoughtofGia’ssadeyesintheteacher’slounge,Muriel’sfearthat,evenafterdevotingfortyyears,herheadcouldbenextonthechoppingblock.“Thepeoplemakingdecisionsabouteducationshouldhaveexpertiseinit,andwhohasmorethanus?Whyshouldn’twestickupforourselves?”
IrealizedIwasbreathingalittletooheavily,soIforcedmyselftorelax.“Ifyouagreetoadoptthisposition,you’llrallyeducatorstoyourside.Andifyouhaveeducatorsonyourside,Ipromise:thecampaignwillbeunstoppable.”
ItwastheclosestI’devercometogivingmyownspeech.Myheartwasbeatingveryfast.Iresistedtheurgetowatchtheirreactionsfrombehindmyhands
“Okay,Rudy.”Carywhistled.“Waytobecomeeveryone’sfavoriteunderdogandunexpectedlyclinchthegame.”HeturnedtoLogan.“Coincidentally,stilltheonlymovietoevermakemydadcry.”
“Wecan’tdoit.”Noraleanedforward.“We’dhavetoredoourbudgetproposal.Talktootherconstituentgroups.Consultpolicyexperts.”Sheshookherheadatme.“YouweresupposedtowantustomakeyouaTikTokinfluencerorputinagoodwordwithyourprincipal.Hell,IevenlookeduphowtogetBeyoncétocomebacktoTexasincaseyouwantedtomeether.Ineverimagined…”Sheshookherhead,butthistime,turnedtoLogan.“Atbest,it’lllooklikeyou’regrasping.Atworst,it’lllooklikeyou’relettingyourgirlfrienddictateyourpolitics,andthat’llmakeyoulookweak.Eitherway,you’llfacethesamedilettanteaccusationswe’veworkedsohardtoavoid.”
“I’msorryyouseedownsides,”Isaidcarefully,heartskipping.Ineverdisagreedwithpeopleoutloud.“ButthisiswhatI’maskingfor.IfyouwantmetobeLogan’sgirlfriend,thecampaignneedstostandupforeducators.AndIgettousemyvoice.”
Silencefellaroundthecoffeetable.Itriedandfailednottosweat,feelingamistydampnesscreepdownmyback.Finally,Loganclearedhisthroat,andalleyesturnedtohim.Asbluntashecouldbesometimes,Iwaslearningthatwhenitcametomakinghardchoices,hetendedtostandbackandlistenbeforetalking.Itseemedlikeagood,thoughpossiblyunusualqualityinapolitician.
Hemetmyeyes,and—oh.Inthismoment,therewasnopretendingthatbeinglookedatbyLogan—reallylookedat—didn’tsimultaneouslyfreezemeandmakemyinsidessoar.Icouldonlyhopetheeffectwouldfadewithtime.
“Fuckme,”hesaid,scrubbinghishandsoverhisface.“Ofcoursewe’lldoit.It’stherightthingtodo.Should’vethoughtofitfromthebeginning.”
“Logan.”Nora’svoicewassharp,buthercensurewastemperedbyherobvioussurprise.AfeelingIshared.Loganhadjustsaidyestomakingamajorchangeforme.AndeventhoughI’daskedforit,apersistentnoisewasnowhumminginthebackofmymindthatsoundedsuspiciouslylikethewordsHe’sdoingwhat?Reverse!onloop.
Heremovedhishandsfromhisfaceandknockedonthecoffeetable,oneshort,decisiverap.“Cary,willyoucallthoseeconomicsguysfirstthingtomorrow?Weneedthemtolookatthenumbersandfindaway.”
Carynoddedsmoothly.“Surething,boss.”
LoganturnedtoNoraandbracedhishandsonhisknees.“Peoplewon’tthinkI’mweak,Nor.Ipromise.They’llthinkI’mstrongfordatingsomeonesmartandpassionate,whocaresenoughaboutherworkthatshe’swillingtogotobat.It’sthedecisionI’dmakeifAlexisandIwerereallydating,soit’swhatIshoulddonow.”
Noralookedlikeshewasabouttosaysomething,aprotestonthetipofhertongue,butthenhereyesflittedbetweenLoganandmeandsheseemedtocometoadecision.“Allright.Ifthat’sthewayyouwanttoplayit.”
“Thankyou.”Loganturnedtome.“Andofcourseyoushouldowntheissue.You’retheexpertandmypartner.”Herose,runninghishandsdownhisslacks.“Imean,youknow,asfarastheworldisconcerned.”
IjumpedtomyfeetandturnedtoincludeNoraandCary.“IswearIwon’tletyoudown.”
Thiswasreallyhappening.Thisyear,Iwasn’tgoingtohidemyheadinthesandandhopesomeoneelsefoughtthebudgetcuts.Iwasgoingtodoitmyself.
Oh,God:Iwasgoingtodoitmyself.Onsecondthought,Ididn’tknowhowtofight.AndIhatedthespotlight.Ididn’tevenlikemeetingstrangers’eyesinthegrocerystore.Ifeltanimmediategut-punchofregret.
“Havedinnerwithme,”Loganblurted,snappingmeoutofmyspiral.Everyone’sheadswhippedtohim.“Ifwe’regoingtomergeplatforms,”hecontinued,voicesoftening,“Iwanttohearmoreofyourthoughts.”
Oureyeslocked.“Thatmakessense.”Ispokeslowly,testingthewords.“Likeabusinessdinner.”Thiswasgood.We’dtalkshop,figureoutdetailstogether.ButwhenLogansmiledandthosesmallcommasframedhisdarkeyes,mymindranfootageofhimusheringthesvelteRocketscheerleaderintoaprivatecar,toppedwithaflashingneonsignthatsaid:Likeadate.
“Excellentidea.”Norastoodandwhippedoutherphone.“Apublicouting.SomethingfrothysowecanwarmthepublictoAlexisbeforeshestartscampaigning.I’llgetreservationsforthisweekendandcallmyguy.”
“Nora,”Logangrowled.“Thisisn’taPRstunt.Nophotos.”
“Surething.”Sheputherhandsupinmocksurrenderasshestrolledtothedoor.“LikeIsaid,ifthat’sthewayyouwanttoplayit.You’retheboss.”Butasshepassedme,shewinked,andIhadthefeelingthatwasnot,strictlyspeaking,thetruth.12TheLoveYouEarn
Mymother’sfacepoppeduponmyphonescreenwhileIwasuptomyelbowsinchoppedonions.“Ugh,”Igroaned,butputtheknifedownandpressedAcceptwithastickyfinger.Timetocleanthescreenagain.
“Alexis!”Mom’sgiantgrinfell.“Oh,no,what’sthematterwithmybaby?”
“Nothing,”Isaid,wipingmytearsonmysleeve.“I’mjustcuttingonions.”WhileI’dneverbeenabletoconvincemymomtocallmeCatherineEarnshaworElizabethWakefieldgrowingup,Icouldn’tgethertostopcallingmebabynowthatIwasgrown.
“Oh,good,”shesaid—then,“Ow,JingleBell,no!”asacatleapedandseizedastrandofherhair.
“Catroomagain?”
Shewiggledherhairoutofthetabby’smouth.“It’scomingtogethersowell.We’reclosetoopening.”AftermyparentsdivorcedwhenIwasthirteen,mymomstartedananimalwelfarenonprofit.Lastyearthey’dfinallyraisedenoughmoneytobuildtheirfirstshelter-slash-vetclinic,HappyHomes,onaplotoffarmlandoutsideHouston.Itwasbasicallyaluxuryhotelforpets,entirelydevoidofcages,withplentyofoutdoorspacefordogstoroamandelaborateroomswithtreesforcatstoclimb.LaunchingHappyHomeswasadreamcometrueforherandIwasproud,butworkalsodominatedherlife,muchlikeLee’s.Meanwhile,Ispentmyeveningsworkingthroughfive-hourJuliaChildrecipesandmarathoningReeseWitherspoonmovies.ThetwoStoneworkaholicsandme.Oneofthesethingswasnotliketheothers.
“I’mreallyhappyforyou,”Isaid.“Can’twaitforthebiglaunch.”
Mompitchedforwardasatinygraykittenscaledherbackandstood,victorious,atopherhead.“Thankyou,butIdidn’tcalltotalkabouttheshelter.”Sheextractedthekittenandpressedhimtohercheek.“GandalfandIcalledtosquealaboutyourboyfriend!WesawyouonTV.LoganArthur,honey—that’sfantastic.I’msohappyyou’rehappy.”
Ah.ThenewshadreachedHouston.“Sorry,Mom.Ididn’tmeanforyoutofindoutthatway.”Iclutchedmyhandsandwincedwhenonionjuicemademyfingerssticktogether.“Iwaskindofambushedbythepressconference.”
Shewaved.“IfIhadanickelforeverytimeIlearnedaboutLee’slifethroughthenews,I’dhaveahundredHappyHomesbynow.”
Iletoutadeepbreath.ThankGodEliseStonewasn’teasilyoffended.
Thesoundofpurringgrewlouderinthebackground.“SotellmeaboutLogan,”shesaid,raisinghervoice.“YouknowhewasacommissionerhereinHoustonbeforehiscampaign,right?Ialwaysthoughtheseemedprettygreat,andthenImethimatoneofLee’sralliesandconvincedhimtojoinourdonorlist.Soobviously,Iwasright.”
“Youdid?”AnimageofLoganscowlingatatroopofkittenspoppedunbiddentomymind.Hedidn’tstrikemeasthecuddlytype.MaybeNorahadarrangedthedonationasaPRthing.Howstrangethathe’dintersectedwithmylifeyetagain—firstwithLee’scampaignandnowmymom’snonprofit—andstill,I’dneverregisteredhim.IwasstartingtothinkI’dbeenlivingwithblinderson.Maybetherewerecertainthings—certainpeopleandpossibilities—Ihadn’tallowedmyselftosee,simplybecausethey’dseemedsowildlyoutsidemycomfortzone.
“Tellmehowyoumet,”mymomurged.“I’vegottosay,honey,I’mthrilledyou’veputChrisbehindyou.”
Atidalwaveofguilthitmeatthethoughtoflyingtomymom,probablythepersonmostgenuinelyinvestedinmylovelife.“It’sstillearlydays,”Isaid,fiddlingwiththehandleoftheknifeandthenscramblingbackwhenIaccidentallypointedthestabbyendatmystomach.“It’snotlikewe’regettingengagedormovinginoranything.”
“Mischief!”Momshouted,throwingthephonedownandstartlingme.“Oh,no,badMischief.Holdonasec,Mischiefgotintothebagofcatnip.I’mabouttohaveadozenstonedcatsonmyhands.”
Iwentbacktodicingonions,listeningtothesoundsofmymothershooingthekittens,thenapologizingtothemforusingherloudvoice,thensweepingcatnip.Finally,shehuffedbackon-screen.“Crisisaverted.”Sheblewastrandofhairoutofhermouth.“Speakingofmovingin,IforgottotellyouEthanaskedmetomoveinwithhimafewweeksago.”
Idroppedtheknifewithaclatter.“Hedid?”Ethanwasmymom’sseriousboyfriend,herfirstinaverylongtime.HewassokindI’dtakentohimimmediately,andeventuallyevenLee’shackleshadgonedown.“That’sexciting,Mom.”Maybethey’dgetmarried.Ifeltacomplicatedrushoffeelingatthethought—ninetypercentjoy,tenpercentvestigialloyaltytomyfather,thoughthey’dbeendivorcedevenwhenhewasalive.
“Oh,Itoldhimno,”shesaidairily.“I’vefinallygottenmyhouseexactlythewayIwantit.Plus,Ethan’shouseissobiganddrafty.Notforme.”
“Mom.”Myheartbeatfaster.“Youcan’tsayno.What’shegoingtothink?He’sgoingtobreakupwithyou.”
MystomachdroppedlikeIwasonarollercoaster.SuddenlyIwastwelveyearsoldagain,devastatedbythenewsthatmyfatherhadcheatedandmyparentsweresplittingup.Beforethat,ourfamilyhadbeenhappy.Justmonthsearlier,I’dhadmybigbirthdaysleepoverthat,againstallodds,hadturnedintoasuccess.Icouldstillremembermydadwrappinghisarmsaroundmymomwhiletheysangme“HappyBirthday”beforethegirlsfromschoolarrived,bothoftheirfacesglowinginthecandlelight,thepictureofbliss.Fast-forwardsixmonthsandeverythinghadfallenapart:DadwasmovingoutandLeewasangryallthetimeandhomewasfilledwithicysilence.
OnenightwhenIwastooupsettosleep,I’dcrawledintobedwithmymomandcriedagainsthershoulder.She’dheldme,rubbingmyback,tellingmeeverythingwouldbeokay.Iaskedherthequestionthatburnedhottestinsideme:Whywasthishappening—whyhaddadcheated,whywasheleaving?Momhadstrokedmyhairandsaid,inabone-tiredvoice,“Idon’tknow,honey.MaybeIjustcouldn’tgivehimwhatheneeded.”
AsIlaythere,pressedtomymother’sside,thefearsankin.Youcouldn’tcountonanyonetostickaround,itturnedout,notevenyourfamily.BeforethatnightI’dbeennaiveenoughtoassumethereweresomepeopleinlifeyouneverhadtoworryabout,thatyoudidn’thavetoworktowinover.Somepeoplewhowouldalwaysjustloveyouandbethere.ButeverythingwasmorefragilethanI’drealized.Nolovewasfree:youhadtoconstantlyearnit,orelseloseit.Theepiphanyhadstuckwithme,thelessonsolidifiedadecadelaterwhenmyfatherwaskilledinacaraccidentandIlearnedwhatitfeltliketolosesomeoneinawaymoreprofoundthandivorce.
Yes,youhadtoworkhardtokeepthepeopleyoulovedwithyou;butsometimes,nomatterhowhardyouworked,itsimplywasn’tenough.Thatwasthegreatestanxietysimmeringunderthesurfaceofmyheart.
Mymomlaughedontheotherendofthephone.“Ethan’snotbreakingupwithmeanytimesoon,Lex.Trustme.I’mtheonlypersonwhoknowshowtomakehisfavoritelasagna.”
Ibitmytongue,resistingtheurgetobarkatherthatitwasn’tajoke.Thatofallpeople,sheshouldknownottomakethismistakeagain.
Shemust’veseentheconcernonmyfacebecauseshesaid,“EthanunderstandswhereI’mcomingfrom,baby.We’vebothbeenonourownforawhile.Hegetsit.”
“Okay,”Isaid,thoughworrytuggedatme.“Ifyousayso.”
“Oh,Iforgottotellyou!”Herfacebrightened.“HappyHomesismakingourfirstcommercial!”
Iswalloweddeep,willingthetendrilsofanxietytounclutchmymind.“That’sgreat.Soundslikeyou’llbeonTVsoon,too.”
Shewaved.“Oh,Idon’twanttobeinfrontofthecamera.I’mmoreofanideasperson.AndI’mthinking,ifitain’tbroke,don’tfixit.YouknowthatSPCAcommercialwiththesadanimalsincages?”
“TheonewithSarahMcLachlanplayinginthebackground?”
Shesnapped.“Exactly.It’ssopopular.”
Ifrowned.“Idon’tknowifI’dcallitpopular,Mom.Emotionalterrorism,maybe.”
Shesweptahandout,paintingthescene.“Picturethis:close-upsonthefacesofourpoorsweetpupsandkittieswhocamefrombadsituationsandneedforeverhomes.Youcanseethelongingintheireyes,hearthenarratortalkabouthowthey’vebeenneglectedandabused—”
“Ugh,Mom.”
“Well,someofthemhave!Howdoyouthinkwefeel?Anyway,thecameracutstoLee—”
“Lee?”
Sheshrugged.“She’sthemostfamouspersonIknow.TheSPCAgotSarah,andIhaveLee.SoLeewalksaroundHappyHomesandtellsviewerswe’rereinventingthetraditionalsheltermodel,makingsureourfurryfriendsgetthebestcare,butweneedsteadyadoptions,otherwisewecan’tkeepbringinginnewanimals.”
“Soit’sguilt,followedbybragging,roundedoutwithathreat?”
“It’llbegreat.Butforsomereason,Ican’tgetLeetocallmebackaboutanaudition.”
Isnorted.Nosurprisethere.Leelovedhertwocats,butI’msureshewasn’tchompingatthebittostarinamaudlinanimalsheltervideo.“I’msureshe’ssuperbusy,”Isaid,schoolingmyface.
“Andwhenareyoucomingdowntoadoptoneofthesekittens?You’vebeentalkingaboutitforever.”Momgotahopefulgleaminhereyes.“YoucouldtakeMischief.”
“Oh,Idon’tknow.”IrememberedhowZoeysaidIwasonecatawayfromsadspinsterhood.“Maybeoneday.”
“Youknow,”Momsaidthoughtfully,“ifLeeisn’tfreetodothecommercial,youwerejustonTV…”
“Oh,no!”Iexclaimed,turningtothestove,whereIrustledaphantomsaucepan.“Myonionsareburning.Ahh,it’safire!SorryMom,gottago,loveyou,byeeee!”13AllEyesonUs
Thewaiterbowed.“MayIhelpyouintoyourseat,sir?”
“ForGod’ssake,”Logangrumbled,tuggingtheseatfromtheman’sgrasp.“I’magrownman,Icanpulloutmyownchair.”Hedemonstratedbypullinghischairoutslowlyfromthetableandslippingintoit,watchingthewaitersuspiciously.
“Thankyou,”Isaid,asasecondwaiterfinishedhelpingmeslideuptothetable.Heacceptedsomethingfromthehostessthatturnedouttobeanexactreplicaofmycream-and-goldchair,exceptinminiature.Hepickedupmypursefromthefloorandplaceditgingerlyinthetinyseat.Itlookedupontheroomwithregalhaughtiness.
“Oh,”Isqueaked.“Thepursegetsachair.”Ofcourseitdid.AndheremywholelifeI’dbeenrestingpursesonthefloorlikeaplebe.
Acrossfromme,Loganeyedthewaiter,whowasnowunfoldinghiswhitenapkinwithgreatceremony.“Don’tyoudare,”hesaid,asthewaitermovedtoplaceitinhislap.Loganraisedaneyebrow,andthewaiter,finallyseeingreason,droppedthenapkinandscurriedaway
Logannoddedtohimself,satisfied,thencaughtsightofme.“What?”
Icouldn’thelpgrinning.“Youhateithere.”
Hegesturedaroundthegiltballroom.“Youmeanthisshiny,gold-platedpeacockparade?OfcourseIhateithere.LookslikeKingMidasbarfeditup.”
“Noreflectiononyou,”Iassuredthenewwaiter,who’dstoppedbytofillourwaterglasses.“Sowhycome,then?”
Loganrolledhiseyes.“Norainsisted.Somethingaboutthisbeingwherepoliticiansgotoseeandbeseen.Thecrèmedelacrème,inherwords.Twatville,inmine.Oh,hi,Senator.”Loganwavedandgrimace-smiledatanoldermanafewtablesover.“KingTwat,”hemutteredunderhisbreathwhenthemanlookedaway.
Ieasedback,restingmyshouldersagainsttheseat.I’dbeennervouswalkingintoApex,myfirstMichelin-starredrestaurant,especiallyaftersomanyheadshadturnedtowatchusmakeourwayacrossthediningroom.ButLogan’sdisdainfortheplacewasatonic.“Well,”Isaid,“IdothinkthismightbethefanciestplaceI’veeverbeen.Sothanksfortheexperience,atleast.”
ApexalwaysmadeAustin’sbest-of-fine-dininglists.Itwasbuiltintoagrandoldmansioninapartofthecitywherethestreetsturnedresidential,acharmingneighborhoodfullofshopsandeateriesandmillion-dollarhomes.Nosteelorskyscrapershere.SoevenifLoganchangedhismindandcanceledourbusinessdaterightnow,I’dchalktheeveninguptoasuccess.I’dgottentowearmyemeralddress,thesilkoneIneverhadachancetowear,aTownCarhadpickedmeupatmyfrontdoor,andwhenI’dwalkedintotherestaurant,Loganhadbeenwaitingatthehostesspodiuminablacksuitsosharpitsetoffhisstubbledjawandthickblackhair.He’dbeentalkingtothehostess,butstoppedmidsentencewhenhesawme.Thelookinhiseyesbeforehe’dswallowedandschooledhisfacehadcausedareturnofthatfizzyfeelinginmystomach.
Now,acrossthetable,Logan’sexpressionsoftened.Heclearedhisthroat,thentookalargesipofwater.“PlaceslikethisaretheoppositeofhowIgrewup.Theyremindmethatsomepeoplehavesomuch,whiletherestoftheworldisstruggling.That’swhyIdon’tlikeit.”
Icockedmyheadandstudiedhim.ThelightinginApexwaslowandmoody,andthesingleivorycandleflickeringbetweenuscastshadowsunderhischeekbonesashefrowned.Hiseyesweredarkandserious.“Youdon’tevenlikecampaigning,”Irealized.
Hestartedtosaysomething,thenstopped.Whenhespokeagain,hediditcarefully.“Iwanttobegovernormorethananything.Butyes.I’lladmitIdon’tlikeplayingthegame.Schmoozing,kissingrings.Itdoesn’tcomenaturaltomelikeitdoestoManeoreventhatoldfartSenatorAbingtonoverthere.Butit’sthepriceofentry.Ifyouwanttobeinapositiontochangethings,you’vegottodoit.”
ThatsoundedlikealineNorahaddrilledintohishead.IwonderedifconvincingLogantoplaynicehadbeenpartoftheturnaroundTheWatcherontheHillhaddescribedinhisblogpost—theswitchtomoremanneredbehaviorthathadwonLoganhisrecentspikeinapproval.“Wasitdifferentwhenyoustartedout?”
Hehuffedalaugh.“Yeah.WhenIranforcommissionerrightoutofgradschool,Iwasmyself.Heckledreporterswhentheysaidsomethingmisleading.Calledoutotherpoliticianswhentheyliedthroughtheirteeth.Toldmydonorswhentheywerebeingunreasonable.Anditworked—itgotmeelectedandsawmethroughallfouryears.Butthatwasasmallracecomparedtothis.WhenIstartedcampaigningforgovernor,theDemestablishmenttoldmethey’dpulltheirsupportifIdidn’tbehaveandstopcallingouttheirold-timers.Andweneededtheirmoney,sohereIam.”Henoddedtowardthesenatorhe’dwavedat.“Muzzledandmakingnicewithdinosaurswhosevotingrecordsmakemewanttopullmyhairout.”
Huh.So,theworldhadn’twantedLoganthewayhecame,either.Hehadtoworkatbeingappealing,justlikeme.
Hefrowned.“Whyareyousmiling?”
“It’sjustnicetoknowI’mnotalone.Youseemedsoself-possessedatourpressconferencewhileIwashavingaheartattack.”
“Thatwasyourheartattackface?Iassumeditwasyourdear-God-I’ve-made-a-huge-mistake-tying-myself-to-this-clownface.”
“Andhere’syourwine,Mr.Arthur,complimentsofoursommelier.”Outofnowhere,Logan’sfavoritewaitermaterializedathiselbow.
“Forfuck’ssake,”Logansaid,aswebothjumped.“Stealthofacheetah.”
“Apexthanksyoufordiningwithus.”Thewaiteruncorkedandstartedpouring,unruffled.
Loganeyedthebottle,whichlookedoldanddusty.“Okay,I’mnotgoingtosaytherearen’tperkstothepeacockparade.Butsomehow,itjustpissesmeoffmore.”Whenthewaiterleft,heraisedhisglass.“Maythisgiveusgout,aswedeserve.”
Igavehimalook.
“Fine.Here’stoyouandme,playingthegamesowelltheyletusin.Totearthewholethingapartfromtheinside.”
Iclinkedhisglass,butinsideIwasthinking,Yes,ofcourse.IwasachessmovetoLogan.AnotherstrategicdecisionhehadtoendurebecauseNorasaiditwouldbringhimclosertowinning.WhydidIkeepforgettingthat?Itwasfrustratinghowmuchbeingaroundhimfeltlikesittinginclassafterpullinganall-nighter,havingtoconstantlyresistthepullofmybodytorelaxandsinkunderthespellofdreaming.MyinstinctssaidtosinkintoLoganandforgetreality.ItfeltsoeasyandnaturaltalkingtohimthatIhadtokeepjerkingmyselfawaketothefactthatitwasonlypartofagame.
“Here’stoTrojan-horsingTexas,”Isaidsoftly,takingasip,andhisgrinturneddevilishbehindhiswineglass.“So.”Isetmywinedown.“Howdidyougrowup?Imean,Iknowyou’refromOdejo.”
Hetappedhisglass.“ThetalkingpointsarethatIgrewuponafarmasanonlychild.Myparentsweresmall-timefarmerswhomovedtoTexasfromtheUKbecausetheyhadthisdreamofthelittleredAmericanfarmhouse.Therealitybehindthetalkingpointsisthatwewerealarminglypoorandconstantlystruggling.Neitherofmyparentsrealizedhowharditwouldbetobeamom-and-popfarmhere.Nomatterwhattheydid,theycouldn’tcompetewithBigAg,nevermindhowgreenathumbmymumhas.”
“Isthatwhatgaveyouyourpoliticalambitions—watchingthemstruggle?”
“Fuckyeahitwas.Thatandamillionotherthings.Someofmybestfriendsgrowingup,theirfamiliesworkedforthebigcorporatefarmsaroundOdejo,andtheygotpaidpennies.Neverhadjobsecurityorhealthcare,alwayshadtomovearoundtofindthenextjob,whichmeantmyfriendshadtokeepswitchingschoolsandfellbehind.Meanwhilethepeopletheyworkedforrakeditin.”
“Haveyoudecidedonyourdinnerchoices?”thewaiterasked,materializingonceagainlikeaghostoverLogan’sshoulder.
Logansqueezedthetablesohardhisknucklesturnedwhite.“You,”hegrittedout.“Didn’tevenhearyou…breathing.Notevenawarningcough.”
“Ihighlyrecommendtheprimerib,”saidthewaiter,andwhenIlookedatthemenu,Ialmostgagged.Ninety-fivedollars.EvenifIhadn’tjustlistenedtoLogantalkabouthowhe’dgrownup,Ineverwould’veconsideredit.
“I’llhavetheahisalad.”Atthirty-twodollars,itwasoneofthecheapestitemsonthemenu.
“Thevegetablelasagnaforme,”saidLogan.
“Verywell,sir.”Thewaitersweptourmenusoutofourhandsandmeltedaway.
“Areyouavegetarian?”Loganpresentedasthekindofmanwhomighteatacowrawwithhisbarehandsifitpissedhimoffenough.
“I’veseenhowthesausagegetsmade,”hesaid.“Literally.AndIwantnopartofthat.Besides,it’sgoodformybloodpressure.”
Huh.LoganArthur,fullofsurprises.
Hetookanothersipofwine.“Youcameoutofnowherewiththateducationpitch,bytheway.”
“Sorry,”Isaidreflexively.
Heshookhishead.“Don’tbe.Ilikedit.Norawasconvincedyouweregoingtoaskforsomethingfrivolous,nooffensetoBeyoncé.I’mgladyoucareaboutpolicy.How’dyougetintoeducation?”
“I’vealwayswantedtobealibrarian.”IrepressedasmileasLogantookituponhimselftopourmemorewine.Theearthyaromaoftheliquidasitfilledtheglassmademewonderwhatitmust’vebeenlikegrowinguponafarm.“I’vebeenabooknerdallmylife.Escapingintoreading’smyhappyplace,solibrarieswerealwayssafe,wheneverschoolandotherkids—”Iclearedmythroat.“Ihadgreatrelationshipswithteachersgrowingup.IalwaysknewI’dmajorinlibraryscience—”
“AtUT,likeyoursister.AndMane,”headdedwithapointedlook,twistingthewinebottleawayfrommyglasswithoutspillingadrop.Forsomeonewhodetestedfancyrestaurants,hesurewasgoodatthem.
“LeeandIoverlappedmyfreshmanyearandhersenior,andthenshestuckaroundforgradschool.”Ihadn’tconsideredanywhereelseforcollege:LeehadgonetoUT,soI’dfollowed.Notthatwe’dbeenclosebackthen,despitehowmuchI’dlongedtobe.ThosewerethedarkageswhenLeewasstillreelingfromourfather’sbetrayalandpushedeveryoneaway,memostofall.“Ialwaysknewbeingalibrarianwasn’tgoingtomakemerich,butit’sbeenguttingtoseethestateofschoolsfromtheinside.Youhaveallofthesetalented,well-meaningeducators,andit’slikethesystemisdeterminedtobleedthemdry.It’sreallyhardtogivekidsyourbestwhenyou’reworriedaboutgettinglaidoffallthetime.Didyouknowatonofschoolsdon’tevenhavealibraryanymore,letalonealibrarian?”
“Wow,”hesaid,wide-eyed.“Whatcanwedo—”
“Alexis?”askedafamiliarvoice.Thesoundofitstoppedmecold.
No.Whatweretheodds?Ilookedup—andsureenough,ChrisTuttlehimselfwasstridingtoourtable.Thesightofhimwasapunchtothegut.Hewasslimmernowthanwhenwe’ddated,andgrowingouthishair,whichgavehimabohemian-accountantvibe.Heclearlyhadn’ttransformedintoanogreovernight,despitethemanypenniesI’dthrownintotheschoolfountainwishingforit.
“Chris,”Igulped.IcouldfeelLogan’seyesonme.“What’reyoudoinghere?”
Henoddedbehindus.“Outtodinnerwithmyfolks.TheyinsistedIcomesayhi.Sorry.”
Ifollowedthedirectionofhisgazeandfoundhisparents,wavingatmefromacornertable.I’dforgottentheTuttleswerebothdoctorsandhadfine-diningmoney.Dutifully,Iwavedback.Unliketheirson,Chris’sparentshadalwayslikedme.
“Sowhat,youtwousedtodate?”Loganasked,withhisusualtact.
“Oh,sorry—Chris,thisisLogan,my,um…”
“Boyfriend,”Logansaid,givingmeaquizzicallook.Hestretchedouthishand.“Nicetomeetyou,mate.”ChrisshookLogan’shandwithasmile,thoughwhenLoganreleasedhim,hewincedanddiscreetlyflexedhisfingers.
“So,howareyoudoing?”Chrisasked.“It’sbeen,what…overayear?”
Logan’seyebrowsperkedup.
Iclearedmythroat.“Iguessithasbeen.Who’scounting,though?Time,itflies.Can’tkeeptrackofit.”
Chrisrockedonhisheels.“I’mstilldatingKim,bytheway.Thewomanfrom,uh…”Hisvoicetrailedoff.
Right.Kim.Thewomanhe’dcheatedonmewith(thesecondtimearound).Ifeltmycheeksheat.Apparently,IwassupposedtocongratulateChrisonhisaccomplishment.“That’s—Iguess—I’mhappyforyou.”
IfeltLogan’swarmhandcloseovermineandlookedupathim.Hewasleaningacrossthetable,wearingthesappiestfaceI’deverseen,practicallybattinghislashes.Itwassoun-Logan-likethatIactuallyhadtobitebackalaugh.
“IwasjustsayingtoAlexisthatIcan’tbelieveweonlymetayearago.”Loganshookhishead.“Anddatingforsixmonths.IfeellikeI’veknownherforever.”
“Oh.”Chrisswallowed.“Iguessyouguysgottogetherprettysoonafterwe…”Heclearedhisthroatbutdidn’tfinish.
LoganturnedhissappyfaceonChrisandloweredhisvoicelikehewassharingasecret.“Ikeeptryingtobringupmarriageandshekeepssayingnotyet,we’renotinanyhurry,let’senjoythehoneymoonphase.Youknow,thatrip-each-other’s-clothes-offpart.She’sacheekylittledevil.Icanbarelykeepup.ButI’msureIdon’thavetotellyou.”
Oh,lord.He’sreallygoingforit.IfeltmyfaceflameanddaredaglanceatChris.Hisfacewastheportraitofshock.
Logangavemyhandthebriefestsqueeze,thoughhiseyesstayedtrainedonChris.“Ihappentothink,whenyouknow,youknow.AndwhocouldspendtenminuteswithAlexisStoneandnotwanttokeepher?Imean,you’dhavetobeasupremefuckingtwattolethergetaway.Acolossal,gigantic,ruinouslevelofnitwit—”
“Okay,”Isaidquickly,tugginghishand.
“Ane’er-do-wellfuckboy,”Loganfinished,smilinginsatisfaction.“Don’tyouthink?”
“Uh,”Chrisstammered.Helookedoverhisshoulder.“Oh,shoot,mymom’scallingmeback.Gottago.”
IlookedoverChris’sshoulderatDr.Tuttle,whowascalmlyeatinghersoup,andfeltthemostabsurdstreakofjoy
“Greattoseeyou,”Isaid,sittingtaller.“I’mgladwe’rebothinbetterplacesnow.Sometimesabreakupreallyisablessingindisguise,don’tyouthink?”
“Sure.Imean—yes.”Christurnedtoflee,thenstoppedandglancedbetweenLoganandme.“Thanksfornotpunchingmethistime.”Hedartedaway.
Logan’seyesgleamed.“Well,well,well.Don’twehavealottounpack?”Herubbedhishandstogetherinanticipatoryglee,thennearlyshoutedwhenalong,disembodiedarmslidhislasagnainfrontofhim
“Yourmeal,sir,”saidthewaiter.
Loganpointedhisforkatthewaiterasheroundedthetabletoplacemysaladinfrontofme.“Youknowwhat?I’mnotmadthistime.Yourtiming’simpeccable.Ijustworkedupanappetiterunninglapsaroundthatguy.”
“You’reterrible,”Isaid.“Butalso,thankyou.”ItoccurredtomethatLoganwouldprobablyaskformoredetailsaboutChris,allofwhichwerehumiliating,soIblurted:“Istillhavealottosayabouteducation.Don’tthinkyou’regettingoffthehook.”
Hestudiedme,forkedpoisedoverhispasta.Inthecandlelight,hiseyeswererichasmeltedchocolate.Hismouthquirked.“Byallmeans.Changethesubject.”
OverdinnerwefellsodeepintoconversationabouthowI’dliketoseetheschoolsystemchangethatIforgottonoticethecuriousstaresfromotherdiners.Iforgoteverything,includingthatChriswasintheroom,untilthewaiterhandedLoganandmedessertmenusandIlookedovertofindChris’stableempty.Atonepointintheconversation,
LoganinsistedonorderingchocolatecakeandcoffeesoIcouldkeeptalking.Whenthewaiterplacedthethickslicebetweenus,heleanedclose,dippingthetinesofhisforkintotheicing.“Ifyoucouldstartcampaigninganywhere,wherewouldyougo?Who’sthecoreconstituencyweneedtorallyfirst?”
Iwatchedtheforkashebroughtittohislips.Iknewtheanswertothequestion,butitwashardtorememberatthemoment.“The,uh…”
Hewaitedpatiently,forkstillinhismouth.Mentally,Ishookmyself.“TheTexasLibraryCouncil’sconferenceisnextweek,righthereinAustin.Thousandsoflibrariansfromalloverthestatecomeeveryyear.Itwouldbetheperfectplacetotalktoabunchofsympatheticears.Iwasthinkingwecouldputupabooth.Icanlookuphowtodothat.”
Hisforkclatteredtotheplate.“Brilliant.Butleavethelogisticstome.”
“Deal.”Itookabiteofcakeandalmostgroaned.Thiswasbetterthanathousandgrocerystorecandybars.WhyhadIspentmylifesettlingforinferiorimitationswhensomethingthisgoodhadbeenouttherewaitingformethiswholetime?
Logan’seyeswerefixedonmymouth.“Doyou—”Heclearedhisthroat.“Thinkweshouldsetsomegroundrules?”
Ifinishedswallowingandsatstraighter.UnlikeLee,Ilovedrules.Theyexistedtomakeyousafeandcomfortable.“Yes.Rules.Whatwereyouthinking?”
“Ithinkthefirsthastobetheobviousone:nodatingotherpeopleuntilwe’repastelectiondaysowedon’tblowourcover.Willthatbeaproblem?”
Right.Becauseofmyrobustdatinglife.“IthinkIcanmanage.”Iquirkedabrow.“Canyou?”
“I’massumingthat’saplayboydig.InwhichcaseI’mgracefullyignoringit.”
“Whatabouttouching?”Iasked,andrushedtoclarifywhenLogan’sgringrewwicked.“Guidelinesaroundtouching.Ifwe’reoutinpublic,peoplearegoingtoexpectustoactlikeacouple.”
“Well.”Hedraggedafingeroverthetablecloth.“Whatareyoucomfortablewith?”
Thememoryofthatexactfingertracingagainstmylipsmademewrenchmyeyesaway.Buttheimagehaunted:Loganholdingmeupagainsttheelevatorrail,mylegswrappedaroundhim,shoulderstothewall,hisfingerbrushingmylipbeforehebititsoftly.Amixoftenderandrough,likeLoganhimself.
Hisquietvoicefilledthesilence.“We’llprobablyneedtoholdhands.”
Inodded,tryingtoregainmycomposure.“Holdinghands,puttingourarmsaroundeachother,kissingonthecheek.Ithinkthoseare…safe.Butobviouslynorealkissing.”
“Obviously,”hesaid.“Ican’timagineascenariothatwouldrequire…”
Ourgazeslocked.Andwebothhadtoberememberingthesamemoment,whenI’dspunhimaroundinthelobby,catchinghisfaceinmyhands.Wehadtobe,becauseLogan’seyeshaddarkenedintopoolsofink,hisexpressionsointense,eyessearching.Itwasthelookhe’dgivenmerightbeforehe’dseizedmeandkissedmeback.
“Maybe—”Iclearedmythroat.“Weshouldjustagreetorunallcampaigndecisionsbyeachotherfirst.Andleaveitatthat.”
“Right,”hesaid,voicethick.“Soundssmart.”
“Yourcheck,”thewaitertrilled,andwithoutmissingabeatorevenmovinghiseyesoffme,Loganhelduphiscreditcard,alreadyattheready.Thewaiterseizedit,eyebrowsraised,andwhirledaway.
“Hey,”Isaid.“Youfinallysawhimcoming.”
Loganwinked.“Finallysawhimcoming.”
Therewasaslight,pleasantchilltotheairwhenwesteppedoutofApexontothesidewalk.Theneighborhoodlightstwinkledaroundus.
“Ithinkthat’syourcar,”Logansaid,pullinghisblazertighterandnoddingtothesleekblackTownCarwaitingatthecurb.
“Thanksagainfor—”
High-speedshutterclickscutmeoff.LoganandIspuntofindashortmaninaslubbyjacketwithcamera,duckingintherestaurant’sflowerbeds.
Logangroaned.“ItoldNoranoPR.Oi,Larry,”hecalled.“Youknowyoudon’thavetohideinthebusheslikeacreep,right,man?”Thephotographeronlyshrugged,andLoganturnedbacktofaceme.“Sorry.”
“Hey.”Islippedmyhandinhis,keepingmyvoicelow.“Thisiswhywe’retogether,remember?”
“Right,”hesaidslowly,asifhe’dforgotten.Thenhismouthcrackedintoasmileandheloweredhisvoicetomatchmine.“Yousayingyouwanttoputonashow?”
Iusedmysternlibrarianvoice.“Aslongasitstayswithintherules.”
“Comehere,”hegrowled,andinonefluidmovementhe’dtuggedmeflushagainsthimandturnedhisbackonthephotographer.Myheartbeatwildlyashepushedhishandsthroughmyhairandleanedinclose.Whenhespoke,hislipsbrushedmyear.“How’sthis?”
Fromwherethephotographerwasstanding,itwouldlooklikewewereinthemiddleofatorridembrace.“Technically,”Iwhispered,feelinghisstubbleticklemycheek,“withinbounds.”
Hisvoicewasquiet.“Idon’tknowwhyanypapisinterestedinme.Monumentalwasteoftime.”
Ibreathedinhisspicywoodsy-berryscent—atadstrongertonight,likehe’dfreshlyspritzed.“Maybeit’sbecauseyou’rethirty-threeandyoucouldbethenextgovernorofTexas.Orthatyou’reaknownfirebrand,you’vedatedNBAcheerleaders,andyoulookthewayyoudo.”
“Shegoogles.”Hepulledbackaninch.“AreyousayingyouthinkI’mattractive?”
Irolledmyeyesandsteppedevenclosertohim,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneckandtryingtoignorethatIcouldfeelmybloodpoundingthrougheveryinchofmybody.“Likeyouhaven’thadyourappearancedissectedamilliontimes.Youknowwhatyoulooklike.”
Hishandsmovedslowlyoutofmyhairandtraileddowntomyshoulders,wheretheyrestedforamoment.Then,asifhewashungryformore,theykeptslidingdownmyspine.
“Therewasalso,”Isaid,liftingtomytiptoestowhisperinhisear,“thattimeIkissedyou.”
AbreezepassedandIfelthimshiver.“Iseemtorememberyoudrinkingafewwhiskeysthatnight.”Hisvoicewaslow.“Wasn’tsureifyouregrettedit.”
Icouldfeelmycheeksheat.WhyhadIstarteddownthisroad?“Well,Iamstandinghere,pretendingtokissyouwhileamiddle-agedmansnapspictures,soIcouldseehowyou’dquestionmyjudgment.”
Hewassilentforabeat.Whenhelookeddownatme,therewastenderamusementinhiseyes.Heleanedin,tuckingastrandofhairbehindmyear,andwhispered,“Onlyone.”
Ifrownedagainsthischeek.“What?”
“I’veonlydatedoneNBAcheerleader.”
Ipulledbacktofindhimgrinning,androlledmyeyesasdiscreetlyaspossible.“CanIaskyouaquestion?”
Hisreplywasautomatic.“IfIcanaskyouone.”Everthenegotiator.
“Whydidyousaythosethingsatthepressconferenceaboutmebeingagoodperson?Youbarelyknewme,andyoudidn’thaveto.Imean,Iliedtoyouthenightwemet.”
Thephotographermovedtocatchourprofiles,cameralightsgoingoffrapid-fire.
Loganwrappedanarmaroundmywaistanddrewmecloser,cuppingmyface.“I’vefoundtherecanbealotoftruthinfiction.”Hisvoicecameoutlowandgravelly,hismouthsoclosetominethatifIraisedmychinevenamillimeter,ourlipswouldbrush.Eachwordshiveredthroughme.“Andtherearedifferentwaystogettoknowsomeone.Sometimesit’swhattheytellyou,butalotoftimesit’swhattheydon’t.Especiallyinmylineofwork.Youlearntowatchthewaypeopleact.Whenthey’realoneforamomentandthinknoone’slooking,orwhentheytalktostrangers.Evenjustthewaytheylookatyou.Peopleareconstantlytellingyouwhotheyareifyou’rewillingtostepbackandlisten.”
IthoughtofLoganattheFleurdeLis,listeningtomegoonaboutmylifeasRubyDangerfield.Intheconferenceroom,listeningwithhisarmscrossedashisstaffdiscussedwhattodoaboutthephotocrisis.IntheAntiqueCarSocietyoffice,listeningtomeandNoradebatetheeducationpolicy.
“IfeltgoodaboutwhatIsaidatthepresser,”hesaidsimply.“Youmight’vemadeupthedetailsthatfirstnight.ButIsawyou.”
HiswordscastaspellandIcouldn’tlookaway.JustthethoughtofhimconsideringwhoIwassoseriouslymademylimbsfeelwarmandheavy.Hisattentionwasaspotlight,butoneIdidn’tmind.
“Myturn,”hemurmured.“Yousaidyouwereouttocelebratebeingdonewithyourex,andIdon’tthinkthatpartwasalie.Wasit?”
“No,”Iwhispered.Thephotographercould’veevaporatedforallIknew.Icouldn’tbebotheredtocheck.
“AnditwasChris?”
“Yes.”
Hisgazemovedovermyshouldertofocusonsomethinginthedistance.“ImeantitwhenIsaidonlyadeludedmanwouldn’trecognizewhathehad,”hesaidsoftly.“Forwhateverthat’sworth,fromthenearstrangerplayingyourboyfriend.”Hisgazefellbacktome,andhegavemeasmallsmile.Almostwistful.
IrealizedinthatmomentthatLogandidn’t,despitethelengthoftimeI’dknownhim,feellikeastranger.Notintheslightest.
“That’sit,”thephotographergrunted.“GotwhatIneeded.”
Loganturned.“Allright,then,Larry.Sayhitothewifeandkids.”
Thephotographerwasalreadyshufflingaway,buthetossedupahandinacknowledgment.
“Guesswedon’tneedto,uh…”Iglanceddownatthesmallspacebetweenus.
“Right,ofcourse.”Loganreleasedme.“Show’soverandyouwanttogohome.”
ItwasdéjàvuwhenhesweptmeintotheTownCarandshutthedoorbehindme.JustlikethevideowiththeRocketscheerleader,exceptagainstallodds,Iwastheglamorouswomannow.Asthecarpulledawayfromthecurb,IwatchedLoganthroughthewindow,standingonthesidewalkwithhishandsshoveddeepinhispockets,sohandsomeunderthestreetlamps.AnditdawnedonmeinthatdelayedwaymyfeelingssometimesdidthatIdidn’twantthisfakedate,orbusinessmeeting,orwhateveritwas,toend.
Andthatwasaproblem,wasn’tit?BecausewhileIwaslettingmyselfsinkintodreamyfantasies,Loganhadbeenclearfromthebeginningaboutwherehestood.IwanttoassureyouthelastthingyouneedtoworryaboutiswhetherIhavefeelingsforyou.
Iclosedmyeyesandleanedmyheadagainsttheleatherseat,repeatingthewordslikeamantrasotheywouldsinkinIwanttoassureyou,Iwanttoassureyou,Iwanttoassureyou.
Stayawake,Alexis.Nodreaming.14PrettyWomaned
“Don’tthinkofitasamakeover,”Norainsisted.“Thinkofitasapolishing.”
IeyedLogan,whosatinthehairdresser’schairnexttomine,coveredbyablackrobe,facelatheredwithshavingcream.Onestylisttrimmedhisdarkcurlswhileasecondshavedhim.Hiseyesslidinmydirection,thoughhewascarefultokeepstill.“It’sniceonceyougetusedtoit,”hemurmured.“WorldofdifferencefrommyoldBargainCuts.”
Norahadn’tdraggedmetojustanysalon—wewereatAcidBetty,whereevenLeestruggledtogetanappointment.ItwasoneofthosenewplacesAustinwasfamousfor,bothpainfullyhipandwildlyexpensive.Thesalonwassogrungeitlookedlikethekindofplacethatwouldeschewmoneyasaformofcapitalistpropaganda,but,asitturnedout,wasquitetheopposite.Ahugechandeliermadeofmetalspikeshungfromthevaultedceiling,andstylistsdressedinblackbuzzedeverywherewiththeirhairhalfshavedordyedslimegreen.Thehypercoolstylistsbothintriguedandintimidatedme,butnonemorethanthewomanstandingbehindmychair,runningherfingersthroughmyhairwithascowl.
IthadbeenfourlongdayssincemydinnerwithLogan,andwhilethephotosofusleavingtherestauranthadpoppeduponbothTheWatcherontheHillandtheAustinAmerican-Statesman’sOutontheTownblog—whichhadthencirculatedonTwitter,accompaniedbyafifty-fiftymixofsingle-tearandheart-eyeemojis—Ihadn’theardapeepfromthecampaign.NotextsorcallsfromNoraorLogan.NotevenaParksandRecgiffromCary,who’dbeenDMingthemtomenonstopeversincetheAntiqueCarSocietymeeting.Apparently,hethoughtmyimpassionedspeechabouteducationhad“LeslieKnopeovertones,”whichI’ddecidedtotakeasacompliment.
Atfirst,I’dpassedthetimebyreturningtothephotos,admiringwhataneffectivesleight-of-handLoganandIhadachieved.Thepicturescapturedhimstrokingmyhairandleaningintowhisper,andwe’dgenuinelypulledoffthelookoftwopeoplewithnaturalchemistry.Butasthedayspassedwithouthearinganything,I’dtakentocheckingLogan’seventcalendarandremindingmyselfthathewasabusyperson.Andthen,ofcourse,Ihadtochastisemyselfforevennoticinghowlongwe’dgonewithouttalking,becausewewerenotactuallydating.Itwassadenoughtoobsessivelycheckyourphonewaitingforarealboyfriendtocall;doingitforafakeonemademequestionmygriponreality.
SoitwasnosurprisethatinmyemotionallyfragilestateNorahadbeenabletocatfishmeintomeetingherontheDrag,ashopping-heavyportionofGuadalupeStreetnexttoUT,claimingLoganhadimportantcampaignbusinessheneededmyhelpwith.I’ddrivenstraightoverafterschoolonlytobeunceremoniouslyyankedintoAcidBetty,whereLoganwasinthemiddleofgettingahaircut.Norahadannounced,rathertriumphantly,thatitwastimeto“sprucemeup.”NoamountofinsistencethatIdidn’tneedamakeoverhadswayedher.Somehow,I’dblinkedandfoundmyselfsittinginthishairdresser’schair.
“Logan,youroldBargainCutschargedyousevendollarsforahaircutandgotshutdownforhealthviolations,”Norasaid.
“Ididn’tevenknowhairdresserscouldreceivehealthviolations,”Isaid.
“Oh,trustme,theycan.”Norarolledhereyes.“AndhestillgrumbledwhenItoldhimweweregoingtoadifferentplace.”
“Iwon’tapologizeforappreciatingagooddeal,”Loganmuttered.“I’masimpleman.”Withanairofindignation,heleanedbackandsettledintohisstylist’sheadmassage.
Noracockedaneyebrowandturnedtome,tuggingastrandofmyhair.“Isitphysicallypossible,”sheaskedmystylist,“toturnthisintoaJackieOsortofsituation?”
Iyankedmyhairback.“We’renotcuttingit.”Iwasattachedtomyhair.LeehadoncetoldmeitmademelooklikeBellefromBeautyandtheBeast
“Vataboutaleetletrim?”ItwasthefirstmystylisthadspokensinceI’darrived.Iwasastonishedtodiscoverthatontopofhergothclothing,facialpiercings,andmatteblacklipstick,shehadanaccentthatcouldonlybedescribedasTransylvanian.“Atleastletmedozagloss.Yourhairneedsvoom.”
“Voom?”
Shewavedherhand.“Interest.Life.”
Okay,ouch.Nora,whosepicturewasprobablyinthedictionarynexttothewordvoom,gavemeapointedlookinthemirror.“You’reabouttobeinalotofphotographs,Alexis.Doyoureallywanttheinternetsayingyouhavedeadhair?Becauseyouknowtheywill.”
Itwastrue.Theinternetwasvicious.
“Besides,youhavethatlibraryconferencecomingup.”
Idid?IspuntofaceLogan.“Yougotmeabooth?”
Achampagneflutehadmysteriouslyappearedinhishand,andhetippeditinmydirection.“Evenbetter.Icalledthecouncilpresidentandmadeacaseforyoutohavetopbilling.You’rethenewkeynotespeaker.”
Speaker?Mystomachdropped,butImanagedtosmile—Ithink—andforceoutathanks.BecauseobviouslyIwassupposedtofeelgrateful.
Noraleanedoverthebackofmychair.“Doyoureallywantallthoselibrarianssayingyouhavedeadhair?”
“Ahhh,fine.”Ihadbiggerthingstoworryaboutnow,anyway.Likemyfirstspeech.You’rethenewAlexis,Iremindedmyself.OldmouseAlexisistheonewiththefearofpublicspeaking.You’llbebrave,oratleastyou’lldietrying,thussavingyoufromfuturespeeches.Ieyedmystylist.“Youhavemypermissiontotrimanddoaglosstreatment.Butnothingelse.”
“Andaddzalayers.”
“Okay,fine—andaddthelayers.Butnothingelse,Imeanit.Please.”Itriedtolookresolute,butshiedawaywhenshemadeuncomfortablylongeyecontact.
“I’meightypercentcertainshe’savampire,”Logansaidwhenallthestylistshaddisappeared.Withtheshavingcreamcleanedoff,I’dexpectedtofindhimbaby-faced,butthestylisthadmerelysculptedtheedgesofhisfacialhairintoperfectlystraightlines.Anditwasjusttherightlengthbetweenafive-o’clockshadowandthebeginningsofabeard—which,untilnow,Ihadn’trealizedwasTheIdealFacialHair.
“It’shissignaturelook,”Norasaid,catchingmestaring.Ijerkedmyeyesawayandbittheinsideofmymouth.“Polledthebestoutofalltheoptions.”Oh,Loganhaddefinitelyhadhisappearancedissectedamillionways.
“It’smypreferredlook,”hecorrected.“That’swhyIwearit.”
“Sure.”Noraturnedtome.“WhileI’vegotyoucaptive,we’regoingtorunthroughsomelightmediatraining.”
Mystylistcamebackwithasmallcauldronofhairproductandapaintbrush.“Thisisbecauseofthepressconference,isn’tit?”
Noracockedabrow.“Whatdoyouthink?”
Isighed.Well,Ihadwishedforatrainingmontage.AndnowwiththisLibraryCouncilspeech,IneededallthehelpIcouldget.
“See,”Norasaid,“whatIjustgaveyouisaperfectexampleofthekindofdirectandpithyanswerthatworkswellwithjournalists.”
Mystyliststartedpaintingwhitegooontomyhair.“Doyouhavetostickaroundforthis?”IaskedLogan.Iwasbeginningtolooklikeoneofmymom’slong-hairedcatsafterabath.Meanwhile,Logansattherefreshlygroomed,atwhatIhadtoadmitwaspeakhotness.
“Oh,definitely.”Hewinked.“NorasaysIneedasmanymediarefreshersasIcanget.”
“Rulenumberone,”Norasaid.“Alwaysberespectfultoreporters,butneverfeelindebted.Remember,theymightintimidateyou,butyou’redoingthemthefavor.Noneedtosuckup.”
“Butdon’ttellthemwhenthey’rebeingnitwitseither,”Logansaid.“Hurtstheirfeelings,whatfewtheyhave.”
“Comevithmetovashyourhair,”saidmystylist,andIstumbledbehindhertothewashroom,droppingmyheadbackinalargeblackbowlwithahoseattached.
“Never,everrepeataquestionareporterasksyou.”Norapeereddownatmefromabovethebowl.“Evenifyou’retryingtobuytime.Especiallyifit’sahostilequestion.Causeyouknowwhatthey’lldo?Quoteyou,convenientlyleavingoutthequestionmark.”
Loganpoppedhisheadovertheothersideofthebowl.“That’showDoyouagreethatyou’rewildlyunfittobegovernor?getsturnedintoaviralnewsclipofyousayingI’mwildlyunfittobegovernor.”
“Gotit,”Isaid,thenwincedasmystylistblastedmyscalpwithicywater.
“Keepthingsshort,”Norainstructed,asIwalkedbacktothehairdresser’schair,wetheadwrappedinatowel.“ForGod’ssake,don’tramble.Thelesstalkingyoudo,thelowertheoddsyou’llsaysomethingwrong.”
“AnditturnsoutnoonereallycaresifyoustudiedHumeingradschoolanddevelopedyourowntheoryofskepticalprogressiveeconomics,”Logansaid.Andhewasright,becauseassoonashe’dstartedtalking,myeyesglazedover.
“Lastly,”Norasaid,asmystylistpressedmedownintothechairandstartedsnipping,“ifyou’retryingtoavoidansweringaquestion,neversayNocomment.Itmakesyoulookshady.Alwayssay,Thanksforthequestion.Thecampaignwillgetbacktoyou.Weneverwill,butitdeflectstheheat.Let’spractice.”
“Now?”Iasked,distractedasthestylistsnippedadisturbinglylongpieceofmyhair.
Noralungedinmyface.“AlexisStone,ifwesearchedyourbrowserhistoryrightnow,wouldwefindyourtop-visitedsiteisSoftRoundChonks.com,ablogdevotedtopicturesofchunkycircular-shapedanimals?”
“What?”Iyelped.“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“Wronganswer!”Noracried,butluckilyforme,thestylistturnedtheblow-dryeronfullblastandNora’sadmonishmentbecameliteralhotair.
Shemust’vecooleddownduringthetenminutesittooktodrymyhair,becausewhenmystylistfloofedmycrownandspunmearoundwithaloud,“Muchbetter,yes?”Noraclappedherhands.“You’reasorceress.”
Istudiedmyselfinthemirror,turningmyheadfromsidetoside.Ineverwould’veaskedforacutasasymmetricalandstylishasthis,butIhadtoadmititmademycheekboneslooksharper,whichinturnmademyeyespop.Ilookedlikeawomanwhobarkedordersintohercellphoneasshepower-walkedtohercorneroffice.
“Whatdoyouthink?”NoraaskedLogan,whowasmillingaroundsniffingbottlesofshampoo.
Heturnedandstudiedmyreflectioninthemirror.Hisbrowneyeslockedwithmine.“IlikedthewayAlexislookedbefore.”Beforemyheartcoulddrop,headded,softly,“Butthisisgood,too.”
“Excellent.”Norawasalreadywalkingout.“Nowlet’sdosomethingaboutthoseclothes.”
“Idon’tbelonghere,”IwhisperedasNoraloadedmyarmswithblazers.“Anysecondnow,someone’sgoingtocometellmetheydon’thaveanythingformeandI’mobviouslyinthewrongplace.”
Logansnappedhisfingers.“PrettyWoman.”
“What?”Noraasked.
“I’mlikeJuliaRobertsinPrettyWoman,”Isaid.“Tryingtobuyclothessomewhereoutofmyleague.”DriftwoodandRosewasonlythreedoorsdownfromAcidBetty,buttheatelierwasasrefinedandminimalistasBettywasgrunge-chic.I’dflippedoverapricetagononeoftheskirtsandalmostgagged,droppingitbeforemyfingerprintscoulddoanydamage.
“Isn’tthatthemoviewhereshe’sasexworker?”Norarifledthroughtheracks.“Neversawit.”Sheshotmeaninterestedlook.“Isitapoliticalmovie?TheArthurcampaignsupportssexworklegalization.”
“It’smorealightheartedrom-comaboutaquirkysexworkerandabillionairewithaheartofgold.”
“Andthat’snotpolitical?Soundslikebillionairepropagandatome.”
“Miraculously,theyfoundawaytododgepoliticsinfavorofromance.”
“That’ssilly.”Nora’seyeswentbacktoroamingtheneatrowsoffabric.“Loveisalwayspolitical.Especiallyforwomen.Whoyoucareforandbelievein,whatyoudowithyourbody,whoyou’redependenton,theextentofyourautonomy.Strangetomethatpeoplepretendyoucanseparatethetwo.”
“Andyoudon’thavetoworryaboutpaying,”Logansaid,zeroinginonmysecretfear.Heflickedapricetag.“TheDemocraticCommitteeinsistedonalineiteminourbudgetforgrooming,eventhoughItoldthemitwasawasteofmoney.”
“Oh,yes,thelonglinesatyourspeakingeventshavenothingtodowithwhatyoulooklikeandeverythingtodowithyourrecyclingplan.”Noragavehimalookthatfellsomewherebetweenfondandexasperated.“Thegoodnewsis,youuseaquarterofwhatwebudgeted.Sowe’vegotplentytospareforAlexis.”
“DoesthatmaketheDemocraticCommitteemyRichardGeresugardaddy?”Imused,andLoganbarkedalaughjustasagaunt,impeccablydressedwomanflittedover.Oh,no—thiswasit.ThemomentIgotaskedtoleave.MyheartbeatlikeI’dstolensomething.
Strangely,thewomansmiledatme,herexpressionfullofwarmth.“Hello,mydear.HowmayIhelpyou?”
WhenIdidn’tanswerrightaway,takenaback,Norarolledhereyesandsaid,“We’lltakeanotheroneofthosePaulSmithsuitsinnavyforthisguy—youhavehismeasurementsonfile—andafittingroomforher.Thanks.”
“Mypleasure,”saidthewoman,andscurriedaway.
LoganandIglancedateachother.Heshookhishead.“Shedidn’teventellyouyou’reobviouslyinthewrongplace.Honestly,kindofaletdown.”
“Youreallydon’thavetostandtherehandingmethings,”IsaidtoLoganthroughthechangingroomcurtain.Itwasoatmeal-colored,nearlysheer—Icouldmakeouttheoutlineofhisbroadshoulders—andshortenoughthatIcouldseehispolishedshoesontheotherside.Myheartwouldn’tstophammeringasIpulledclothesonandoff.Withonlyathinbarrierbetweenus,Ishouldhavefeltexposed,butinsteadIcouldn’thelppicturingwhatwouldhappenifhebrushedthecurtainaside,drankinthesightofmybareskin…Ishivered,goosebumpsliftingonmyarms.
“It’snotaproblem.”Hisoutlineshrugged.“Youknow…I’mkindofhappyyoudon’tfeelcomfortablehere.”
Ifrozewithagreensheathdresshalfon.“Youare?”
Therewasalongpause.Throughthecurtain,Isawhimlacehisfingerstogether.“Yeah.Makesmefeellessalone.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Anyway,how’sitgoing?”
Ituggedthedressdownandlookedatmyselfinthemirror.ThenItookadeepbreathandopenedthecurtain.
I’dcaughthimbysurprise.Hiswideeyesdrifteddown,takingmein,thelookonhisfacemoreseriousthanI’dexpected.Iturnedmybacktohim.“Zipme?”
Inthemirror,Iwatchedhimhesitatebeforehishandcametorestonmywaist,theotherfindingthezipper.“Green’sagoodcoloronyou.”Hetuggedthezipperslowly.
“Thankyou.”Theworldnarrowedtotwosensations:thewarmpressureofhishandonmywaistandthelightskimofhisfingertipsupmyspineashepulledthezipper.Ibittheinsideofmylip,wonderingifitwaspossibleforhistouchtosearmyskin,leaveamark.Thoughhetouchedmelightly,itfeltlikeitcould.AndIwouldwelcomeit.ThenIcouldtracethetrailofhisfingertips,proofthisbeautiful,quietmomentbetweenushadexisted.
Hebrushedmyhairfrommyneck.“Alldone,”hesaidquietly.Buthishandsdidn’tmove.
Slowly,Iturnedtofacehim,pulseskipping.“So.Whatdoyouthink?”
Hiseyesrosetomeetmine,fullofasentimentIcouldn’tparse,exceptthatitwasheavierthanI’danticipated.Thespacebetweenusbecamecharged.
“You’regorgeous,”Noracalled,stridingoverwithapairofheels.
Logansteppedback.“WhatNorasaid,”heansweredgruffly.
“Trythese.”Norashovedtheheelsatme.“Atfirstit’sgoingtofeellikeyou’rewalkingonstilts,butjustrollwithit.Eventuallyyourfeetwillnumb,andthenyou’reinbusiness.Thesesuckersaresohotit’sworthit.”
Igroanedbutreachedfortheheels.
Thirtyminutesandthreeshoppingbagslater,Logan,Nora,andIwerestrollingalongtheedgeoftheUTcampuswhenshesuddenlystoppedtoglareatherphone.“Y’allgoonahead.Ineedtoyellataneventcoordinator.”
LogannudgedhisWayfarershigheronhisface.“Ifit’sthatfuckerfromtheLogCabinRepublicanswhokeepsinsistingwebuypi?ataswithGroverMane’sfaceonthem,tellhimtogrowup.I’mapolitician,notatroll.”Heturnedtomeandcrossedhisarms.“Whyareyoulaughing?Outwithit.”
“Youwouldbemuchmoreintimidatingrightnowifyoudidn’tsmelllikelavenderaftershave.”
Hesniffedhimself,thenglaredandgesturedformetokeepwalking.“Afteryou.”
Ifellintostridebesidehim.We’dreachedthepartofcampuswhereyoucouldseetheUTTowerinfullview,anditalwaysgavemeajoltofnostalgia.“You’reactuallyquitesoothing.ThemanequivalentofanEnglishgarden.”
Heturnedtomeandlaughed,facecrackingintoadazzlingsmile,widerthanI’dseenfromhim.Heleanedoverandcaughtmyhand,lacingourfingerstogether.“Ithinkthat’sthefirsttimeI’vebeenaccusedofbeingsoothing.”
Myhearttookoff.We’reinpublic,Iremindedmyself,noddingatthepeoplewepassed.ThispartoftheDrag,closetothegroupofdormsknownasthesix-pack,theheartofcampus,wasalwaysthemostcrowded.Aprimespottobeseen,whichwassurelywhyLoganwasholdingmyhand.Playingthepart.Butwhenhesqueezedmyhandandtuggedmecloser,allreasonfled.Iwassimplyagirlhavingalovelyafternoonwithherboyfriend.
Wewereclosinginonacrowdstandingaroundaguywithamicrophone.Icouldn’thearwhathewassayingorreadtheirsigns,butrallieswerecommonhere—studentslovedtoholdtheminfrontoftheUTTowerforvisualimpact.LoganandIwouldhavetoskirtthem.
Ornot.
“Afternoon,folks,”Loganboomed,andIjumped.Insteadofmaneuveringaroundthegroup,hewasbeeliningtowardit.Afewpeopleontheoutskirtsturnedatthesoundofhisvoice,andIreadtheirburntorangeT-shirts:LonghornsforGroverMane.ThiswasarallyforGovernorMane.Wewereinenemyterritory.
ButLogandidn’tseemtroubled.“Hi,”hesaid,extendinghisfreehandtoatallmaninaburntorangeLonghorncap.“I’mLoganArthur,runningforgovernoragainstGroverMane.”ThemaneyedLoganskeptically,butgavehishandapolitepump.Theirinteractionhadmorepeopleturning,andIcouldseetheguywiththemicrophoneeyeus.Iwantedtomeltintothestreet.
Logancockedhishead.“MindifIaskwhatyoulikesomuchaboutMane?”
Themaninthecapmadeascoffingsound.“He’saLonghorn.YoualwayssupportyourfellowHorns.”
“That’sright,”someoneelseboomed.Aroundus,peoplewerenoddingandhummingtheiragreement.
“Where’dyougotocollege?”askedtheman.“Lemmeguess:A&M.”
Loganwavedahand.“NevermindwhereIwent.”Hetuggedmeforward.“Iwantyoutomeetmygirlfriendandcampaignpartner,AlexisStone.She’salibrarianoveratBartonSpringsElementary.”
“Hi,”Isaid,thoughwhatIwantedtosaywas:Whereareyougoingwiththis?
Themantippedhiscaptome.
“Hon,remindme.”Loganscratchedhisjaw.“Where’dyougotocollege?”
Firstofall:Hon?Second:SothiswaswhyLoganhadgrabbedmyhand.Hemust’veknownabouttheUTalumnirallyforMane,andthoughtitwouldbeagreattimetoshowmeoff.Iplasteredonasmile.“Righthere,hon.UTclassof2018.Hook’em,Horns.”
ItwasdefinitelythemostdeflatedI’deversoundedutteringthosewords,butnomatter—themanintheballcaphadenoughenthusiasmforbothofus.Hewhoopedandmadelittlehornswithhisfingers.“That’sright,bay-by.Hook’em!”Itcaughtonlikewildfire,asitalwaysdid,andthecrowdechoedituntilthemanwiththemicrophonefinallyresignedhimselftothefactthathe’dlosthisaudience.
“Well,thereyougo,”saidLogan,whohadnowsuccessfullycommandeeredtheattentionofthecrowd.“We’vegotaLonghornatthehighestlevelinourcampaign,too.Andyouknowwhat,IthinkwehavesomeideasforTexasthatmightinterestyou…”
IzonedoutasLogandoveintohispolicyplatform.Hewasgoodatthis—farbetterthanhegavehimselfcreditfor.Andeventhoughhe’dclearlydraggedmeheretobaitthecrowdintolisteningtohim,Iwasn’tmad.Thewholepointofourarrangementwastohelpeachother.AndIknewhowbadlyhewantedtowin—I’dhearditinthetenorofhisvoice,thefireinhiseyes.Hewasrightthatpeopletoldyouwhotheywereinamilliondifferentways.AndwhenIlookedathim,Isawhislonging.
Iwastheonewhokeptconfusingfactandfiction.AndofcourseIwas,becausethatwasmyshtick:tryingtowillrelationshipsintobeingmorethantheywerecapableof.I’ddoneitwithChriswhenI’dtakenhimbackafterhecheated,convincedIcouldwillusbacktonormal.AndthoughIdidn’treallywanttothinkaboutit,I’ddonethesamewithmydad,thinkingifIjusttriedhardenough,Icouldmakeourfamilywholeagain.Emotionallyspeaking,IwasstuckinaGroundhogDayloop.
AsifheknewIwasthinkingabouthim,Loganrubbedhisthumbinagentlecircleoverthebackofmyhandwhilehelistenedtothemaninthehattalkabouthealthcarecosts.Awomannearbylookeddownatourhandsandsmiledwistfully.Igrimace-smiledback.
“Lex,didyouwanttalkaboutoureducationplans?”Therewasamomentarypauseintheman’smonologue,andLoganwasleapingin.
“Oh,”Isaid,caughtoffguard.He’dnevercalledmeLexbefore.Itwassurelyonlypartoftheact,butatraitorousboltofpleasureshotthroughmyheart.“No,yougoahead.”
Logangavemeaquestioninglook,butlaunchedindutifully.
Itwastimetobreaktheloop.Loganhadbeenclearourrelationshipwasprofessionalandhewouldn’tcatchfeelings.Sostartingnow,Iwasgoingtostopputtingstockinridiculousdaydreamsandcallaspadeaspade.Managemyemotions.Stopgivingawaymyheart.
Logansqueezedmyhandandgavemeasmall,knowingsmileasthemanintheballcapstartedtalkingabouthowheactuallydidagreewithusthatteachersneededmoresupport—hiswifewasakindergartenteacher,itturnedout.Ismiledback,encouragingbutperfunctory,theperfectpolitician’ssmile.Nothingmoreandnothingless.15Greetings,MyPeople
Onetoo-shortweeklater,Istoodonstageandgrippedtheedgeofthepodium,squintingpasttheblindinglightsatthecrowd.Theunnaturallyfastpumpingofmybloodmadesweatgatheratmytemples.Iwasactuallyhere,attheTexasLibraryCouncil’sannualconference,otherwiseknownaslibrarianmecca,onthevergeoffainting.ItriedtorememberthetipsLoganhadrecitedashe’dsteeredmebackstage:First,mostpeopleareprats,sothebarforyourspeechislow.Second,mostpeopleareprats,soiftheydon’tlikeyou,that’swhy.Third,mostpeopleareprats,sofortheloveofGod,don’tpicturethemnaked.
Okay.Deepbreath.LastyearI’dsimplybeenamemberoftheaudience,cocoonedinanonymousbliss.ThisyearIwaskeynotingtoovertwohundredpeople.Nobigdeal.MaybeIdidhavetobreatheintoapaperbagiflargeenoughcrowdsofschoolchildrenshoweduptohearmereadatstoryhour,butnomatter.Icoulddothis.
“Goodmorning,”Isaidintothemicrophone,voicecrispandclear.
Headsturnedasaudiencememberslookedateachotherinconfusion.Oh,no,itwas6:00p.m.,wasn’tit?Rightoutofthegate,I’druinedmyspeech.Desperately,IsearcheduntilIfoundLoganinthefrontrow.Noneofthelibrariansclosetohimwerepayinganyattentiontome,allofthemfixatedonhim,whisperingandelbowingeachother,soatleasttherewasthat.Whenoureyesmet,hegavemeathumbs-upandmouthed,Prats.
Sharpheelsclackednearthebackoftheauditorium.IsearchedforthesourceandfoundLeescurryingintooneofthechairsinthebackrow.Shewavedexcitedly.
Leewashere.Pridecoursedthroughme,replacingtheanxietyandfreeingmetothink.
“Toabrand-newdayineducationpolicy,”Iimprovised,hopingtheaudiencewouldfollow.“Goodmorningtothedawnofanewadministrationthatdoesn’tjustpaylipservicetotheimportanceofschoolemployees,butactuallyputstheirmoneywheretheirmouthis.”
Themurmuringstopped.Thetwo-hundred-pluspeopleintheaudienceweresuddenlylookingatmewithraptattention.Someoneinthebackevenletoutawolfwhistle,thoughonsecondthoughtthatwasobviouslyLee.
“MynameisAlexisStone,andI’mheretotalktoyouaboutwhat’satstakeintheupcominggovernor’srace.Morespecifically,I’mheretotellyouwhatLoganArthurwilldoforschoolemployeesifhe’selected.He’snotofferingyouemptyplatitudeslikeotherpoliticians.WewantedyoutobethefirsttohearthatLoganisofficiallycommittedtoendingtheschoolbudgetcuts.”
Thecrowdburstintoexcitedapplause.Loganclappedwiththem,eyesshining.He’slookingatyoulikeasupportivecolleague,Iremindedmyself,andyouarelookingbackathimrespectfully.Isquaredmyshoulders.“Notonlythat,buthe’scommittedtoincreasingfundingforeducation.Hewantstomakesureyougetthefinancialsupportyoudeserve.”
Thistimeseveralpeoplewhistled.“AndhowdoyouknowLogan’sgoingtodorightbyeducators?Becausehe’sgotmeonhisteam,andI—likeallofyou—amproudtobeaschoollibrarian.Letmetellyouexactlywhatwe’lldoifwewin.”
Here’sthefunnythingaboutpublicspeaking:surelyIkepttalkingafterthat,andIhadavaguesensethecrowdkeptapplauding,butforthelifeofme,whenIlookedback,Icouldn’tremember.AllIknewwasthatsomehow,IarrivedatthepartwhereIsaidthankyouforhavingmeandtheentireaudiencerosetotheirfeet,clapping.
WhichmeantI’dactuallydoneit.Andithadgoneokay.
“AlexisStoneforgovernor!”yelledLee.Upinthefrontrow,Loganwhoopedhisagreement.
TheconferenceorganizerswrestledamicintoplacebelowthestageandaqueueformedforQandA.Intheback,Leetookthisashercuetoscrambleoutofherrow,wavinggoodbye.Iwrestledbackdisappointment.I’msureshehadimportantbusinesstogetbackto.Atleastshe’dshownupformyspeech.Ifacedthegrowinglineatthemicandforcedmyselftofocus.Iwasn’toutofthewoodsyet.
Thefirstpersoninlinewasanextremelyshortwomanwithglasses.“Thankyouforyourremarks,Ms.Stone.Myquestionis,couldthisextrafundingbeappliedtomovingmyschool’slibraryoutofthegymnasium?”
Iblinkedather.“I’msorry—yourlibraryislocatedinthegym?”
Shenodded,pushingupherglasses.“Myprincipalmoveditthereafterlastyear’sbudgetcuts.WehadtoleaseouttheoldlibrarybuildingtoaJimmyJohn’sfortextbookmoney.ThereasonIaskis,thestudentskeepmistakingmeforaninthgrader,andI’mtiredofgettingpeltedbydodgeballs.”
AndI’dthoughtthesituationatBartonSpringswasdire.“Um,yes,definitelytheextrafundingcangotowardgettingyououtofthegymandbackintotheJimmyJohn’s.”
Thewomanthankedmeandreturnedtoherseat,revealingthenextquestioner,awomaninalongcardiganwithaheadfulofwirycurls.Shegrabbedthemicandspokesocloseintoitthereverbechoedthroughtheauditorium.“Ihavehadaratmakingamockeryofmylibraryforthelastsixty-fivedays.Hehastakenoverthegraphicnovelsectionandhasstartedstealingmylunches.NomatterwhereIhidethem,hefindsthem.I’velaidoutmaybetwenty-five,thirtytraps,butnodice.”
“Wow—”Istartedtosay,butshewasn’tdone.
“Hehasnowmovedontoeatingthebooksthemselves.We’reinafull-blownwar,andIregrettosaytherehavebeensomecasualtiesamongthestudentbody.IfIhadtoguess,IwouldsayChernobog—that’swhatInamedhim—takesupseventy-five,maybeninetypercentofmytimeonaday-to-daybasis.Willyourbudgetexpansionhelpmedefeathim?”Shefinallyblinked,waitingformyresponsewithgraveanticipation.
Ihadsomanyquestions.Butalso,aninstinctnottoaskthem.“Sure,”Isaidfinally.“Youcanusetheextrafundingtoaddresspestinfestations.”
“Great.Whowillyoucalltohelpme?Specifically?”
IlookeddesperatelyatLogan.Thejerkwaschokingonsilentlaughter.FEMA,hemouthed,andittookallmypowernottorollmyeyes.Somehelphewas.
“The,uh,Departmentof…Pestilence…Mitigation?”
Thewomanconsideredforamoment,thennoddedinsatisfactionandstrodefromthemic.Ibreathedasighofrelief.
“Hi.”Thenextwoman’svoicetrembledwithnerves.“MynameisGabbyBui.Mymiddleschoolislocatedinaconservativedistrict,andIfoundoutwe’rebanningabookthataddressessexualityinwhatIbelieveisafrankandhelpfulway.Parentshavecomplainedtothecitycouncilthatteachingkidsaboutthingslikemasturbationandhowtheirbodiesaregoingtochangeduringpubertyistoographic,butIthinkthey’restigmatizingwhat’snatural.”Shetookadeepbreath.“Iguessmyquestionis,couldtherebeadditionalfundingtostrengthentheLibraryCouncil’santi-censorshipcommittee?I’mnotblaminganyone,becauseIknowyou’reallasbusyasIam,butit’sbeenhardtofightback.AndIcan’tdoitonmyown.”
Ihadyettodealwithabookbanningissue,forwhichIthankedmyluckystars.“Absolutely,”Isaid,withoutthinkingtwice.“ThecampaignwillseewhatwecandotobolstertheLibraryCouncil’santi-censorshipefforts.It’scriticalwedefendFirstAmendmentrights.”Fromthefrontrow,Logangavemeadiscreetthumbs-up.
RelieffloodedGabby’sface.“Thankyou.It’sbeenalonelyroad.”
“Don’tworry.We’rewithyou.”
“Hi,”saidthemanwhosteppeduptotakeGabby’splace.“GregoryDillinger.Mineisasix-partquestion,butIneedtoprefaceitwithastory.”
“Great,”Isaid,liftingmychin.“Hitme.”Becauseyouknowwhat?Iwaskindofnailingthis.
Wavinggoodbyetothelastoftheconferenceorganizers—eachofwhomwantedtheirownselfiewithhim—Loganshutthedoortothegreenroomandleanedagainstit,droppinghisheadbackagainstthewood.Hemetmyeyesandalazygrinspreadoverhisface.“AlexisStone.Politicalfuckingdynamo.”
“I’mjustgladit’sover.”Ifloppedontothecouch,lyingdownandkickingoffmyheels,lettingmybarefeetdangleoverthearm.AsNorahadpromised,afewhoursinthoseshoesandI’dstoppedfeelingmytoes.
Loganwalkedoverandstoodatthearmofthecouch,nearmyfeet,grinningdownatme.“Rememberwhenyouwishedeveryonegoodmorning?”
“Canit,jerk.”Forgettinganysenseofpropriety—Iwasdrunkonthesheerreliefofbeingoffstage—Ikickedhisthigh,hardenoughtomakehimtakeastepback.Insteadofswattingmeaway,Logansnaggedmyfoot.
“Hey!”Mymomentaryplayfulnesswasreplacedbyajoltofalarm.Hewastouchingme.Itwasequalpartsexhilaratingandterrifying.Itriedtokickfree,butheonlycaughtmyotherfoot.Hemight’vebeenstandingwhileIwaslyingdown,butthegesturefeltwildlyintimate.
“Forreal,”hesaid.“Youkilledit.”
Igroaned,hidingmyfaceinmyhands.“Idon’tknowhowtotellyouthis,but…publicspeakinggivesmehives.”Ipeekedoutfrombetweenmyfingers.
HerubbedhisthumbsidlyovermyarchesandItriednottothinkabouthowgooditfelt,thesuddenreturnofsensationaftertheheels.“Yeah,”hesaid.“Idefinitelyknewthat.”
“Whatgavemeaway?”
Hefrowned.“Prettymucheverything,fromthebeginning.Mostrecently,though,itwaswhenyouhandedmesmellingsaltsbackstageandmademepromisetousethemonyouwhenyoufainted.Notifyoufainted.When.”
“Youknewthisandyousaidyestomebeingyoureducationspokesperson?”
Hisfingersslippedunderthesilkyfabricofmyslacks,circlingmyankles.Theslighttouchcrackledeverynerveendingawake.“Itrustedyouknewwhatyouweredoing.Andobviously,Iwasright.You’reanatural.”
“Hardly.Myhandsarestillshaking.”ButIwassorelievedathiswordsIfeltalmostbuoyant.
“Youknowyoudon’thavetodoanythingyoudon’twant,right?Wecangoaboutthisanotherway.”
Ishookmyhead.“It’simportanttome.”
“Youwererightabouthowbadthingshavegotten.Icouldn’tbelievesomeofthosestories.”Suddenly,hegavemyanklesafirmtug,pullingmeclosertohim.Igaspedinsurprise,butitonlymadehismouthtugupatthecorners.“Hey.Iknowwhatyouneedtounwind.”
Draggingmeevencloserhadcausedhisfingertipstosliphigherupmycalf,underthewidelegofmydresspants.Itwasonlythesmallestdistance,butmybreathcaughtinmythroat.Inaninstant,IpicturedLoganbendingoverthearmofthecouch,handsslidingupmyinseamsuntiltheywerebetweenmylegs,thefrictionofhisfingerssparkingheatthroughthefabric.ItwassovividIcouldalmostfeelthepressure,theelectriccharge.Isqueezedmylegstogether,hipstwisting,andhopedhecouldn’ttellwhatIwasthinking.Loganandtheridiculouslustheinspired—Iwasn’tusedtomybodyreactingsoviscerallytoanyone.
Heclearedhisthroatandgentlyloweredmyfeet,releasingme.“Comegetadrinkwithme.Iknowtheperfectplace.”
DrinksalonewithLogan.Badidea,whisperedmyvoiceofreason.Toohigharisk.Dangerzone.
“I’msureyouhaveplans,”headdedhurriedly.“Itwasjustathought.Youknow,figuredwecouldcelebrateyoursuccess.Ascolleagues.”
Hewasjustsuggestingworkdrinks.AndIhadpulledoffoneofmybiggestprofessionalaccomplishmentstodate.MaybeIdeservedtoletloose.Afterall,IknewwhatmynightwouldlooklikeifIsaidno:I’dgohometomyapartment,curlupunderablanket,andwatchtheboldwomeninmyfavoriteromancesleadlivesfullofadventure.WhenI’dfinallysoothedmylongingforcompanionship,oratleasttakentheedgeoffmyloneliness,I’dclickthelightsandgotobed.Sameaseverynight.
MaybeIcouldtrysomethingdifferent,thisonce.
“Youknowwhat,”Isaid,sittingupandsmoothingmypants.“Tonight,IthinkI’mfree.”16TheHideaway
Theinstantwepulleduptothesmallbuildingonthedarkstreet,thunderboomedsolouditrattledtheTownCar’swindows.Theskysplitopen,lettinglooseasheetofrain.
Loganleanedovermetopeeroutthewindow.“It’samonsoon.”
Ourdriver,anoldermanwhosenameI’dlearnedwasNigel,nodded.“Thenewsreportedstrangeweatherpatternsinthearea.”Heeyedusintherearviewandspokeexcitedly,givingoffbigdad-whose-weather-channel-watching-has-finally-paid-offenergy.“They’resayingthehotandcoldairhasbeengustingupunpredictably.Oppositeforcescomingtogether.We’reinforaridetonight.Maybethethunderstormoftheyear.”
I’dbedrenchedtheminuteIsteppedoutside.Theseheelswerenotmadeforwalking,especiallyinaflood
Besideme,Loganlaughed.
“What’ssofunny?”
“Firstthelightningstorm,nowthis.”
“You’relaughingbecausewhoever’sinchargeoftheuniversehatesus?Boldmove,angeringherfurther.”
“I’mlaughingbecausetherearestillpeoplewhosayclimatechangeisn’treal.Takeonelookoutside,fuckers.We’vehadmorestormsinthepastfewmonthsthanweusuallyhaveallyear.”
“WhatdidItellyouaboutswearing?”Nigelasked,wagginghisfinger.
“I’mnotputtingdollarsinaswearjar,Nigel.I’dbebrokeinaweek.”
Ishookmyhead.“YouandmysisteraretheonlytwopeopleIknowwholaughmaniacallyatbadweather.”
“Youwanttomakeabreakforit?”Heglanceddownatmyfeet.“OrIcancarryyouifyou’reworriedaboutslipping.”Hemust’vereadmyexpression,becausehesaid,“Yeesh.Fine,toosoon.”
“Runonthree.One,two—”
Loganburstoutofthedoorandsprintedtowardthebar,handsshieldinghisface.
“Youdidn’twait,”Iscreeched,scramblingafterhim,thendoublingbackwhenIrealizedIforgottoshutthecardoor.“Youmonster!”
Therainwasice-cold.Ittooklessthanasecondtosoakthroughmyclothesentirely,whichIknewbecausethere’snomistakingthefeelofrainwaterinyourunderwear.Istilt-walkedasfastasIcouldtotheentrance,whereLoganstoodunderagreen-and-whiteawning,holdingthedooropen.Heusheredmeinandswungthedoorshut,andsuddenlythepoundingrainwasreplacedbythemelancholicstringsofacountrysongasthelightsandwarmthofthebarenvelopedus.
Thehandfulofbarpatronsstoppedtalkingtostare.IglancedatLoganandunderstoodwhy—besidesbeingasemifamousperson,hecurrentlylookedlikeasix-foot-twodrownedrat.IcouldonlyimaginewhatasightImustbe.Mynavypantsuitclungtomelikeasecondskin,andwhenIsqueezedmyhair,asmallwaterfallpoureddown.IwaitedforsomeonetorecognizeLoganandcallhimover,butallthebarpatronssimplywentbacktotheirbusiness.
“Comeon,”hesaid,noddingtothebar.Ifollowedhim,studyingtheplace.Itwastiny,nomorethantentables,andeverythingwasmadeofoldweatheredwood.Itwasadive,andnotthetrendykindthehipstershadmadepopularontheeastside.Thiswasold-school,adingydartboardinonecorner,abeat-upjukeboxintheother,andoldsepiaphotographsofmenincowboyhatsliningthewalls.
Atthebar,amiddle-agedguyinpearlsnapsstoodrinsingglasses.“HeyJimmy,youcarethatwe’redrippingalloveryourfloor?”
ThebartendergruntedandtossedLoganasinglecocktailnapkin.Iguessedthatmeantno.
“It’smostlywhiskeyandbeerhere,”Logansaid,handingmethenapkin.Itookitgratefully,dabbingundermyeyes.WhenIpulleditback,Inoticedasimplelogoscrawledacrossthecenter:TheHideaway.HowappropriatethatthiswasLogan’sfavoritebar.Themanwasahideawayhimself.Hemanagedtobeatoncesopublic—literally,hisopinionssplashedinnewscoverageacrossthestate—andyetsoprivate,hisinnermostfeelingsclosedtoeveryone.Iespeciallycouldn’tseemtogetareadonhim.
AsIwaspreparingtoorder,allthelightsinthebarblinkedout.Awaveofgroansechoedfromthetables.
“Don’tworry,”Jimmyboomed.Amatchsparkedashelitacandle,placingitattheendofthebar.“Beenopenthirtyyears.Nostorm’sgonnastopusnow.I’mstillslingingifyou’restillbuying.”HelitasecondcandleandplaceditunderLogan’sface.Thelightdancedoverhimlikehewassittingaroundacampfire.
“Yousureyouwanttostickaround?”Loganasked.“Iunderstandifyoudon’t.”
Isloshedclosertothebar.“Areyoukidding?I’lltakeaJackandCoke,please,Jimmy.Bettermakeitadouble.”
Oncewe’dbeenservedourdrinksinJimmy’sfinestplasticcups,Logancrookedafingeratme.“Comeon.Thisishowyou’regoingtounwind.”
“Darts?”Hewasleadingmetotheboardinthebackcorner.“You’reaskingme,apersonwithzeroathleticability,tothrowneedlesinablackout.Idon’tthinkyouunderstandtheconceptofrelaxing.”
“Look,Jimmy’sgivinguscandles.”Andindeedhewas,placingtwoonanearbytable,givingourcornerawarmglow.Logansethisdrinkdownandpressedhishandstogether.“You’renotgoingtomakemebeg,areyou?Becausethatwouldbeembarrassingforallofus.”
“You’llneverunseeit,”Jimmyagreedgruffly.
Istuckoutmyhands.“Fine,givemethedarts.”
Iwasred—queenofhearts,Logansaid—andhewasblack.ItossedmyfirstdartanditnarrowlyskirtedLogan’snosebeforeclatteringintothewall.Heturnedtome,amazed.“ShouldIbeoffended?”
“Toldyou.Mylackofphysicalcoordinationispracticallyapartytrick.”
Hepeeledoffhisblazerandhungitoverthebackofachair,thenrolleduphiswetsleeves.Inthecandlelight,hisdressshirtwaspracticallytranslucent,clingingtohischest.Oblivioustomystaring,hesquaredup,facedthedartboard,andsailedadarteasilyintothetriplering.
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Justhowoftendoyouplay?”
“Oh,Inevergettoanymore.”Hechalkedhisscoreontheboard.“Trustme,I’mrusty.”Asiftoprovehispoint,hetriedanotherandmissedtheringentirely.
IsquareduplikeI’dwatchedhimdo.Wasitleftfootfirst,orright?
“Here,”hesaid,walkingtowardme.“MayI?”
Itookadeepbreath.“Sure.”
Logan’shandsfoundmyhips,tuggingmetowardhim.“You’reright-handed,soyou’llwanttostandlikethis.”
Ishiveredagainstthewarmthofhishands.Thelasttimehe’dheldmethisclosewaswhenhe’dliftedmeontopoftheelevatorhandrail.
“Andholdthedartlikethis.”Heputhisarmsaroundmeandadjustedmyfingers.“Morecontrol.”Heglanceddown.“You’reshaking.”
“I’mfine,”Isaid,unabletotellhimitwastenpercentrain,ninetypercenthisproximity.
“No,wecanfixthis.”Evertheproblemsolver,Loganranhishandsupanddownmyarms,creatingfriction.“YoulooklikesomeVictorianheroinecomeoffthemoorafteragale.ElizabethBennettorsomething.”
Idon’tthinkherealizedtheenormityofthecompliment.Iswallowedhardashecontinuedtorubhishandsovermyarms.
“Regency,”Imurmured.
Hestopped,handsrestingonmyshoulders.“What?”
“Regencyheroine,notVictorian.JaneAustenpublishedPrideandPrejudicein1813…Nevermind.That’sthenicestthinganyone’seversaidtome.”
Helaughed.“You’refunny.”
IsquaredupagainandLogansteppedback.Mymuscleswerelooseandlanguidnow,andwhenItossedthedart,itlandedintheoutermostring.
Igasped.“Igotontheboard!”
Logantappedhisglasstomine.“Cheers.Here’sanidea.Whydon’twemakethegamemoreinteresting?”
“NowayI’mlettingyoufleeceme.I’mnotthatmuchofasucker.”
Heputhishandsup,theportraitofinnocence.“Hearmeout.Nomoneyinvolved.We’llplayforsomethingelse.Andforeverydartyougetontheboard,you’llgetdoubletheprizes.I’llhavetosinkabull’s-eyetogetone.You’llnevergetabetteroffer.”
Hmm.Itookoffmyownblazerandhungitcarefullyoverthebackofachair,smoothingthewrinkles.IwasacutelyawareofhowmuchthisjackethadcosttheDemocraticParty.“It’sanintriguingproposal.”
Heshovedhishandsinhispockets.Intheflickeringcandlelight,Icouldseethemusclesflexinginhisforearms.“Whatprizeareweplayingfor?”
WhatdidIwantmostfromLogan?Theanswercameeasily:Iwantedtoclimbinsidehishead,knowwhathewasthinking.ButIcouldn’tsaythat,soIsaidthenextbestthing:“Thetruth.Whoeversinkstheirdartgetstoasktheotheraquestion,ortwoinmycase.Honestanswersonly.”
“Truthdarts.Apolitician’snightmare.”
“Oh,you’renopolitician.”Whenheraisedhiseyebrows,Iadded,“Imean,notaverytypicalone.”
“Iseethehonestthoughtsarecomingoutalready.Puttingmyegoonnotice.”Logandroppedthereddartsintomyhands.“Losersfirst.”
Cheeky.Ieyedthedartboardandmadeasilentpleatomyarms:Wewantthis.Wearehighlyincentivized.Ifevertherewasatimeforamiraculousshowingofathleticism,it’snowIpulledbackandletthedartfly.
Rightintothetriplering.
“Noway.”Myhandsflewtomymouth.“Ididn’tthinkthatwouldactuallywork.”
Loganstaredattheboard.“Youhustledme.”
“Thatwasonehundredpercentbeginner’sluck.Nowpayup.”
Hedroppedintoachair.“Man,Norawouldkillmeforagreeingtothis.Shesayssorryformissingyourspeech,bytheway.Thecampaigngotinvitedtoanothereventtonight.Wehadtotagteam.”
Isatdowninthechairfacinghim.“Iguessyoudrewtheshortstick?”
“Actually,Itradedhertogotoyours.”
Iblinked.Hesmiled,lookingdownatoneofthecandlesashecuppedhishandovertheflame.“Itwasthisdentalassociationgala.Black-tie.Ihatethepenguinsuits.”
Right.LogantradingtoavoidputtingonatuxmademoresensethanLogantradingbecausehewasdyingtowatchmyspeech.Istudiedhimfromacrossthetable.Itwasunfair,really,howbeautifulhewas.Moodylightingonlymadeitmoreobvious,madehisstrongfeaturesmorepronounced,showedthathislashesweresolongtheycastshadows.Thecandlelightflickeringoverhisskinlenthimasenseofmotion,anoutwardrestlessnessthatmatchedhismindinside.Icouldlookathimforeverandnevergrowtiredofit.“Isthiswhatyourwholelifeislike?Double-bookedonweekends,neveranytimeforyourself?”
Heshrugged,stillwatchingthecandle.“We’reonlytwomonthsoutfromelectionday.AndI’vebeenworkingonthisforsolong,can’tletupnow.Besides,Igetlittlepocketsoffreedom.”Hiseyeslifted.“Liketonight.”
“Itdoesn’tseemlikeanyonehererecognizesyou.”
“IwouldbeverysurprisedifJimmy’sregularsknewwhothepresidentwas.”
“Sothat’swhyyoulikeit—theanonymity?”
“No.Ilikeitbecausethisplaceremindsmeofhome.”
“Theold-schoolcowboyvibes?”
Hebentoverhisdrinkandpulledoutthelittleblackstraw,stickingitinhismouth.“Simple,unpretentious.LikeOdejo.Whichisfarfromperfect,butIdomissitfromtimetotime.”Hechuggedtherestofhisdrinkanddroppeditonthetable,icesloshing.“Werethoseyourtwoquestions?”
“Oh,no.”Ishookmyhead.“Yougavethatawayforfree.”
Hewinced.“AllthatmediatrainingandI’mstillmakingrookiemistakes.”
Wordlessly,Jimmywalkedupanddroppedtwofreshdrinksonthetable.“Thanks,Jim,”Logansaid,ashereturnedtothebar.
“Didyouorderthose?”
Loganshookhishead.“ClairvoyanceisoneofmanyreasonsJimmy’sgreat.Hitmewithyourquestions.”
“Okay.Firstone.”SomethingthatwouldcrackLoganwideopen.“What’syourfavoritechildhoodmemory?”
Iwaitedforhisexpressiontochange—alookofcontempt,agroan,anything—buthestayedmotionless.Finally,hesaid,“Ican’ttellyou.You’lllaugh.”
“What?No,Iwon’t.Youcantrustme.”
Hewasquietagain,lookingatmesteadilyacrossthetable.Thenhesaid,“Okay.Myfavoritememoryiswinningfirstplaceinthe4-HlivestockcompetitionwhenIwasineighthgrade.WithmypigWilbur.WhoIraisedfromapiglet.”
MyGod.Animageofhimatthirteenflashedintomymind,cladinoverallsandaredbandana—Iassumedthat’swhatfarmkidswore—huggingapigassomeonehandedhimablueribbon.IsqueezedmyeyesshutastightasIcould.I’dpromisednottolaugh.
“Youcanaskafollow-up,”hesaidgruffly.
“Oh,thankGod.”Thequestionsflewoutofme.“Howoftendidyoucompete—wasitlike,aregularpartofyourchildhood?Whatdidyouweartotheshows?HowdidyoutrainWilbur?Obviously,you’vereadCharlotte’sWeb.Wasthatyourfavoritebookasakid?”KnowinghisfavoritechildhoodbookwouldbeaLoganInformationHolyGrail
Hiseyesliftedtotheceiling,asifaskingsomehigherpowertolendhimstrength.Whenhespoke,hediditquickly,theverbalequivalentofrippingoffaBand-Aid.“WhenIwasyoung,myparentstriedtheirhandatpigfarming.Ihatedtheideaofraisinganimalstokillthem,sothefirsttimeoneoftheirsowshadalitter,Iputmyfootdown.Myparentswereplanningtoraisethepigletstoselltoaslaughterhouse,butIconvincedthemnotto.Truthfully,Iwasaprettybigshitaboutit,andIdon’tthinkthey’veforgivenmetothisday.ButIworethemdownandtheystopped.Inexchange,IpromisedI’dtakecareofthepiglets.EndedupgettingclosewithonenamedWilbur.Yes,IknownamingapigWilburisunoriginal,butinmydefense,IwasnineandIhadjustreadCharlotte’sWebandIwasveryemotionallyinvested.PigsaresmartandItaughtWilburafewtricksthatmadehimpopularatfairs,andwebeganwinningmoney.Myparentsmadetheirexpensesback,IprovedIwasrightaboutnotkillingthepigs,andWilburlivedalongandhappylife.Theend.It’snotabigdeal,”headdedbrusquely.
Iblinked.“Yourbestfriendwasapig.”
“Youpromisednottolaugh.”
“Yourfirstpoliticalvictory.Youshouldtellthatstorytoeveryone,allthetime.Like,everyreporter.”
“Sotheycangoallmoony-eyedlikeyou?”Loganslumpedinhischair.“Nothanks.Let’shaveyournextquestion.Iwanttomakemybull’s-eyeandgetoutofthehotseat.”
Ilookedathimshiftinguncomfortablyandgrinned,decidingtogoeasythistime.“Favoritesong.”
Hestraightened.“They’vegotithere,actually.”
“They’vegotRageAgainsttheMachineinthejukebox?”
“Hilarious.”Hetookasipofhisdrinkandstrodeovertoit.Iwatchedhimpulladollaroutofhiswalletandslipitin.Withinseconds,asongstarted,themelodylow.
“Niceone,”saidJimmyfromthebar.
Icouldbarelyhearit.Wasitacountrysong?Somethingold-schoollikeGeorgeStrait?Actually,itbarelymattered,becauseLoganwaswalkingbacktome,strumminganairguitarandlookingmorerelaxedthanI’deverseenhim.Andthatwasworthlisteningtoanything,even“AmarillobyMorning.”
JustasLoganreachedourtable,theguitarsanddrumscamecrashingin,thesinger’svoicesoaringsoIcouldfinallyhearthewords:“I’dgothewholewideworld,I’dgothewholewideworld,justtofindher.”
“YourfavoritesongisbyWrecklessEric?That’ssoromanticofyou.”
Loganignoredme,strumminghisinvisibleinstrument.“Watchthis.I’mgoingtomakeit.”Hegrabbedablackdartasthechorusclimbed.Loganthrewitexpertlyanditlandedinthetriplering,missingthebull’s-eyebyacentimeter.“Shit,”hegroaned.
“Condolencesonsucking,”Jimmysaid,slidingapitcherofbeerontoourtablelikesomesortofmagicbarfairy.
Universe,don’tfailmenow.IgrabbedadartandlinedupmyshotThejukeboxsang“I’dgothewholewideworldjusttofindoutwheretheyhideher,”andIgrinnedattheimageofteenageLoganbeltingthewordsinhisbedroom,thenthrew.
“You’vegottobekiddingme.”Logangapedattheboard.Thesongfinallyfaded,andinthequietheglancedatme.“Oh,youhaveabadlookinyoureyes.I’mgoingtohatethisnextquestion,aren’tI?”
Isummonedmycourage.“Youtoldmeyoudidn’twanttobeinarealrelationshipwithanyone.Why?”
Wewerestandingonlyafewfeetapart,candlelightdrawingtheroomcloser,butstillitfeltlikeamile.Ashelookedatme,hisdarkeyeswereimpossibletoread.
“Because,”hesaidfinally.“Idon’twanttogetmyheartbrokenagain.”
Myownheartbeattoofast.Forthesecondtimetonight,ourintimacyfeltdangerous.Awarningbellechoedinthebackofmymind,butIignoredit.“Whobrokeitthefirsttime?”
Logan’sgazecutaway.Afterabeat,hesaid,“TinsleyWestcott.”
Ifoldedintoachair,searchingmymemory.Icouldn’trememberaTinsleyfromGoogle.“How?”
Herubbedhisjaw,lookingatmedoubtfully.“Youreallywantthewholestory?Idon’tcomeoffwell.”
Inoddedandhesighed,sinkingbackdownandpouringusbothbeersfromthepitcher.Heslidonetome.“ImetTinsleyingradschool.”
Isipped.“AtHarvard.”
“Right.MostofthepeoplewhowenttoKennedygrewupprettydifferentfromme,butTinsleywasthemostextreme.ShewasfromthisoldConnecticutfamily,generationsofHarvardlegacies.Iwasthefirstinmyfamilytogotocollege.Shefascinatedme,andforsomereason,Ifascinatedher.Wrongsideofthetracksallure,Iguess.Wewereinseparablethroughgradschool.”
Itriedtoletgoofthesorenessthatbubbledup.Itwasn’tfrompicturingLoganinlove—thoughthatwasalittletender.Itwastheeasywayhespokeaboutgradschool.I’dwantedtogoquitedesperately,tokeepfollowinginLee’sfootsteps.TheplanhadbeentogetmymasteroflibrarysciencesatUT,thenapplyforoneofthosehigher-payinglibraryjobsthatonlytookpeoplewithadvanceddegrees.ButI’dbeenrejected.TheonlypersonIknewwhowas.AllofLee’sfriendshadgonetogradschool.Infact,herfriendMac,whodidsomethingimportantinfinance(nooneknewexactlywhat),hadwhat,ninedegreesbynow?
Mymomhadassuredmelifesimplydidn’tgoourwaysometimes,butI’dalwaysattributedtherejectiontothelackinginmethatIcouldn’tputafingeron.IfeltthepangeverytimebudgetcutsrolledaroundandIwasremindeditwasn’tonlyMuriel’sexperiencebutherMLSdegreethatmadehermorevaluable.Now,lookingacrossthetableatLogan,who’dgonetoHarvardtwice,allIcouldthinkwas,boyarewecutfromdifferentcloths.He’dsaidthisstorydidn’tshowhiminagoodlight,butIcouldn’tlookathimandseeanythingbutatop-qualityhuman.Golden-auraed,inZoey-speak.Laurel-ringed,inHarvard.Weweresodifferent.Whatacomedyoferrorsforourpathstohavecrossedthewaytheydid.
“Aftergraduation,”hecontinued,“TinsleyfollowedmebacktoTexas.Wehadalloftheseplans.Shewantedtoworkpoliticsbehindthescenes,andIwasgoingtobethepersonoutfront.Shewasgunningformetorunforastatepositionrightaway,butIdidn’tthinkIwasready.WhenIfoundtheraceforHarrisCountycommissioner,Ithoughtitwasperfect.Tinsleycaredaboutelections,butIwasmoreworriedaboutdoingthejobrightifIwon.Ithoughtcommissionerwouldgivemegoodexecutiveexperience,butshewasdisappointed.Iaskedhertobepartofmycampaign,oneofmyadvisorslikewe’dplanned,butsuddenlyshewasn’tinterested.Commissionerwasn’tambitiousenough,Iguess.”
Ididn’tsayit,butTinsleysoundedlikearealLadyMacbeth.
“I’mnotproudofthis,butIstartedtoshutherout.Shedidn’twanttobepartofmycampaign,soIwasn’tgoingtogiveherthesatisfactionofhearingaboutit,orinvitehertoevents.Andyouknowhowtime-consumingacampaignis:prettysoonwewerelivingtwoseparatelives.Theweekbeforetheelection,shetoldmeshewasleavingmeandmovingbacktoConnecticut.Itcrushedme.ThankGodIwassofarupinthepolls,becauseIcouldhardlyfunctionthelastweekoftherace.Webarelyedgeditout.ThenightIwon,afterallthatwork,Icouldn’tsummonaflickerofhappiness.Ijustkeptthinking,Iwon,butIlost.”
“Whereisshenow?”
“MarriedtoaUSsenator.LivesinabighouseinGreenwichwithtwokids.Shegotwhatshewanted.”Hegavemeahesitantlook.“Thatwhole…playboything.Youmightremember.”
“Itringsadistantbell.”
“Theproblemis,it’strue.AfterTinsleyleft,Ithrewmyselfintoflings.Itwas…misguided,butitfeltbetterthanbeingsad.Ihadastringofmeaninglesshookupsandgotareputation.WhenIstartedeyeingthegovernor’sseatandhiredNora,thefirstthingshetoldmewasmypersonallifewasgoingtounderminemycareer,andIneededtogetittogether.Ithought,wouldn’tthatbethekicker,ifTinsleyleftmeandthenmydumbassreactionwasthereasonIlostmydream.SoIquitdatingcoldturkey.Itmakessenseanyway.Ibarelyhavetimeandit’shardtotrustpeople.Rightnow,I’mfocusedonmycareer.”
Themessagecouldn’tbeclearer:evenifI’dwantedit,Logan’sheartwasunavailable.Broken,thenclosed.ButbecauseIwasamasochist,ittookallofmywillpowernottoreachoutandbrushhishairoffhisforehead.Ithadcurledintherain,andhelookedboyishandnervoussittingacrossfromme,waitingformyreaction.Ididn’tknowhowelsetoassurehimhisstorywassafewithmeotherthansharingoneofmyown.
“Youwererightaboutthenightwemet.Iwaslookingforsomeonetohaveaone-nightstandwith.Thatwastheplan.Meetyou,useyou,ditchyou.”
Logan’seyesgrewdarker.
“Thereason—andthisismortifying,butI’mgoingtosayitanyway—isbecausewhenChrisandIbrokeup,hetoldmeIwasbadinbed.Tootimidandboring.”
Logan’seyebrowsshotsofarnorththeyalmosttouchedhishairline.Buthedidn’tsayanything,justwaitedformetocontinue.
“Sothat…rattledme.AndIstartedthinkinghemightberight.ThatnightattheFleurdeLis,I’dpromisedmyselfI’dbeboldforonce,actoutsidemycomfortzone.Itwassupposedtobethestartofanewchapter.Andthenyoucamealong,and…thestormhadotherideas.”
Ilookedathimanxiously.Afteralongminute,heblinked.“Isthatall?”
“Yes?”
“Good.”Hestoodup.“BecauseIhavetogopunchamanintheface.”
Ituggedonhiswrist.“Sitdown.”
“CallNoraandtellherwe’regoingtohaveacrisiscommssituation.Andbailmeout,please.”
“Logan,”Igroaned,pullinghiswristsohardhehadnochoicebuttofallbackintohischair.
“Ican’tbelievehesaidthattoyou.Firstofall,whatadick.Second,forwhateverit’sworth,andnottomakethingsawkward,buthe’swrong.”Logan’svoicegrewhusky.“Youare—well,you’retheoppositeofboring.Trustme.”
Icouldfeelmyselfturningred.“Thankyou.ButI’mnotmadaboutthewaythingsturnedout.TherearesomethingsIneedtobemoreadventurousabout.Asforrelationships,ourwhole—”Iloweredmyvoice“—fakedatingthinghasmademerealizeIneedtoworkonsomeofmytoxicpatterns.Casualrelationshipsaren’ttheanswer.I’vegotsomegrowingtodo,butonceyouandIareover,I’mgoingtolookforsomeonereal.Nooffense,”Iadded,chancingalookathim.
Hisjawwastight.“Yeah.”Heidlycrushedhiscup.“Thatmakessense.”
Therewasabeatofsilence,thenhefinallydroppedhisruinedcup.Mythroatthickened.Nofair,asmallvoicewhispered.Hiswholefaceissimplyunfair.“Doyouwanttokeepplayingdarts,”heasked,“orwecouldjust…talk.Icouldgetyousomethingdifferenttodrink.Whateveryouwant.”
WhatIwantedwastostayherewithhim,inthistiny,candlelitbarinthemiddleofablackout,askingquestionsandinchingclosertohimuntilJimmykickedusout.IwanteditsobadIknewitwasexactlywhatIshouldn’tdo.Toxicpatternsandall.“Ishouldgo.”
“Really?”Loganstraightened.“Imean,ofcourse.Ifthat’swhatyouwant.LetmetextNigel.”
“Youdon’thaveto—”
“Don’tbesilly.He’sjustaroundthecorner.I’lltakeanUber.”
Ismiledandswallowedmyprotests.GoodthatNigelwouldgetmehomefast,actually.ThenI’dgotobedfast,andfallasleepfast,andthiswarm,deliciousnightwouldbeoverbeforeIcouldspendtoomuchtimeluxuriatinginalonetimewithLogan.IcouldresteasyknowingIwasexhibitingthewisedecision-makingskillsofawomanmaturing.
IwatchedhimthumbaquickmessagetoNigel,bitinghisfulllowerlip.
Thisacheinmychestwassimplygrowingpains.17ComfortZones
“Tiltyourchinup,”Zoeyinstructed.“You’retheQueenoftheFairies,remember?Ineedyoutolookproudandlike,atinybithorny.”
Iwinced,buttiltedmychinandgaveproudlyhornymybestshot.“Likethis?”
Shepeekedaroundhercanvas.“Nailedit.Thanksagainfordoingthis.Ican’tbelievemymodelflakedatthelastminutetostayatBurningMan.”
Itriedtotalkwithoutmovingmylips.“Wasn’tBurningManweeksago?”
Sheshrugged.“Takeenoughdrugsandapparentlyyouneverhavetoleave.Youknowyoucanrelax,right?Itwon’tmessupthepainting.Besides,thisisjustapracticestudy.Iwanttotesthowyoulookinthelight.”
“Thanks.”Imassagedmystiffjaw.“I’veneversatforanartistbefore.”
Besidestheartsheshowedingalleries,itturnedoutZoeymadethebulkofherlivingoffcommissionedpaintings.Yesterdayshe’dcalledinapanicbecausethewomanwho’dagreedtomodelforacommissionedpiecehadbailed,andZoey’sdeadlinewascomingup.She’dbeggedmetositforher,promisingthepaintingwasatastefultakeonEdmundSpenser’spoem“TheFaerieQueen,”arequestfromaUTEnglishprofessor.ThefactthatZoeythoughtIwassecond-stringfairymaterialandshewantedtohangoutagainwasenoughtoovercomemyshyness.
She’dinstructedmetomeetherattheTiteStreetArtistCollective,wheresherentedworkspace.I’dlookeditupandfoundoutTiteStreetwasthenameofthestreetinLondonwhereOscarWildeoncelived.Naively,I’dthought,whataniceliteraryallusion.ThenI’darrivedanddiscovereditwasmoreofalifestylecommitment.AsfarasIcouldtell,theTiteStreetArtistCollectivewassingle-handedlykeepingAustinweird.I’dpoppedoverhereafterfinishingschool,andfromthemomentI’darrived,I’dfeltlikeachickenaccidentallyletlooseinapeacockcoop.
“Areyousurenoneofthisdistractsyou?”Iwavedatthecourtyard,whereamancoveredinpaintkeptyelling“No!”athiscanvasandshakingit,rightnexttoacircleofpeoplesmokingahookah,whowereeachtakingturnsnoddingandpuffingoutideas:“makeitavant-gardebutalsonormcore,”“miniature,butlikeKoons,butforpets.”Inthefountain,atoplesswomanwearingamermaidtailsunbathedandsplashedwhilechain-smoking.
“Nope,”Zoeysaidcheerfully.“Helpsmeconcentrate.Careful,yourleavesareslipping.”
IhastilytuggedtheminisculeleaftopZoeyhadgivenmeinplaceovermychest.IthadturnedoutZoey’sandmydefinitionsof“tasteful”werenotthesame,whichI’drealizedwhensherevealedthecostumeI’dbewearinginthepainting,aseriesofstitched-togetherfabricleavesandafloraltiara.Apparently,thecostumehadbeenspecificallyrequestedbytheEnglishprofessor,whoInowsuspectedwaslessafanofsixteenth-centurypoetryandmoreafanoffairyporn.Ipattedtheleaves
“Sotellmeaboutthislibraryconference,”Zoeysaid,squintingbackandforthbetweenmeandthecanvas.“Iwanttohearaboutyourmomentoftriumph.”
IshookoutmyhairlikeIimaginedafairyqueenwould.“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.ButIdidmakeitthroughwithoutfaintingorthrowingup.AndLoganseemedhappy.”
Shearchedhereyebrows.“I’msurehedid.Iwatchedthatpressconferencey’alldidtoannounceyouwereacouple.Thatmanwaslookingatyoulikehewantedtotakeyourightthereonthepodium.Should’veratedthenewsNC-17.”
“Zoey!”Iblushedandlookedaround,butthesunbathingmermaiddidn’tseemscandalized.
Sheputthewrongendofherpaintbrushinhermouth,spititout,turnedit,andchewed.“I’mjustsaying,youguysputonahellofaperformance.”
Igroaned.“That’sexactlytheproblem.Lifecursedmewithanoverlyromanticbrain,andit’sgettinghardertoseparatewhat’srealandwhat’spartofouract.”
Sayingthatoutloudfeltfreeing.Ididn’thavemanypeopletotalkto—ZoeyandLeeweretheonlytwowhoknewLoganandIwerefakingit,andLeewasn’texactlybeatingdownthedoortoreopenthesubject.“I’mconstantlytellingmyselftosnapoutofit.MeanwhileLoganiscompletelyunbothered.Tohim,allIamisawaytowin.Whenwewereouthavingdrinkstheothernight—”
“Wait.Justthetwoofyou?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Atabar?”
“Thishole-in-the-wallheloves.”
“Sonopress?”
“Definitelynopress.Notevenanyvoters,apparently.Loganwantedtocelebrateinprivateaftermyspeech.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“Oh,nothing.”Butsheworeasmirkthatsaidtherewasdefinitelysomething.“Pleasecontinue.”
“Well,heopenedupandtoldmehowhislastrelationshipfellapartandalmostcosthimanelection,andafterthat,hequitdating.Apparentlyhe’llstartagainafterhe’sachievedallhisloftygoals,whateverthoseare.”
“Thatsoundslikealonelylife.”
Icouldn’thelpthetingeofbitterness.“Maybeafterhe’sfinallybecomepresidentofAmerica,he’llaskoutanotherperfectheirtoaConnecticutpoliticaldynasty.”
“Oh,I’mlovingthatfireinyoureyes.”Zoey’spaintbrushwasmovingamileaminute.“Youknowwhat,thispainting’sgoingtobetoogoodformyclient.I’mgettingithunginagallery.”
Iwasdefinitelygoingtohanginsomerichpervert’smancave,butI’dprocessedthatandmademypeacewithit.Rightnow,allIcouldthinkaboutwasTinsleytheHarvard-educatedheiress,theleggyRocketscheerleader,andthestringofwomeninbetween.“Zo,doyouthink—”Iswallowedpastthelumpinmythroat.ZoeyandIprobablyweren’tcloseenoughyetformetoaskaquestionlikethis,butmyguttoldmeIcouldtrusther.Itookadeepbreath.“DoyouthinkpeoplebelieveLoganandIaretogether,ordoyouthinkthey’resecretlylaughingattheideabehindourbacks?”
Shesetdownherpaintbrush.“Whatmakesyouaskthat?”
Itriedtoshrugnonchalantly.“Youknow.There’sthewayhelooksandhiscommandingpresenceandthefactthatheblazesthroughroomslikeacomet.Andthenthere’sme.I’mmoreofa…dwarfplanet.”
“Ifyou’reaskingmewhetherIthinkyoumaketheworld’ssexiestopposites-attractcouple,thenyes,Ido.Ifyou’reaskingifIthinkyou’reprettyorinterestingenoughtodatehim—aquestionIhatebutforgivebecauseI’vebeenthere—thenmyansweris,Alexis,you’relovelyandperfect.Don’tlistentothehatersonTwitter.”
TherewerehatersonTwitter?Nope,notgoingthere.“Thanks,Zo.Thatmeansalot.But…youdon’tthinkit’sweirdbecauseof…howaccomplishedheis?Youdon’tthinkpeoplearesaying,what’sthatrising-starpoliticiandoingwiththat…non-rising-starnormalperson?”
“Youdon’tthinkyou’reaccomplished?”
Ilaugheduncomfortably.“Imean…notlikehim.”
Shefrowned.“I’msuddenlyalotlessconcernedaboutyouandLoganandalotmoreinterestedinwhyyoudon’tfeelgoodenough.”
Thishadspiraledintotoo-vulnerableterritory.Iwavedahand.“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.I’vejustbeenthinkingabouthowI’mclimbingclosertothirtyanditwouldbenicetodosomethingthatleftabiggermarkontheworld,likeLoganandLee.Butit’snotabigdeal.ForgetIsaidanything.”Ifocusedonthecircleofhookahsmokers,who’dmovedtothelying-on-the-ground-staring-at-the-cloudsphaseofthecreativeprocess.Theylookedquitepeaceful.Bemorelikethestoners,Iadmonishedmyself.Foronceinyourlife,relax.
ZoeywasquietforsolongIfiguredshe’dgottenlostinpainting,butsuddenlyshesaid,“BacktoLogan’sfeelings.IknowIliketoteaseyou—andIstandbythefactthathelooksatyouverylonginglyonTV—butyou’retheonewho’slivingthis,notme.IfyouthinkLogan’sunavailableandit’simportanttoprotectyourheart,thendoit.”
Inodded.“Thanks.Idothinkhe’s—”
“But.”Sheheldupapaint-splatteredfinger.“I’dhateitifthewayyousawyourselfcoloredhowyouthinkotherpeopleseeyou.Ifthatmakessense.Just—don’tdiscountpeople’sfeelingsbecauseyou’reusedtodiscountingyourself.”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.“It’salmostlikeyou’reengagedtoatherapist.”
Shewinked.“Annie’suppedmyarmchairtherapygame.I’mahotcommodityhereatthecollective.”
IcomfortedmyselfwiththethoughtthattherewasnowayIhadweirderproblemsthanthepaint-coveredmanwhowasnowquietlysobbinginfrontofhiscanvas.
“YouknowwhatIcan’tgetoutofmyhead?”
Zoey’stonguestuckoutabitassheconcentrated.“What?”
“Therewasthislibrarianattheconferencewhoaskedforhelpfightingabookban.Ireadthebookandshe’sright.It’snotinappropriateatall.It’sreallyquiteeducational.”Truthfully,thebookwassoopenandhonestaboutsexthatI’dlearnedalot.I’dspentanhourlastnightcombingthroughit,murmuring,Huh,sothat’sbeennormalthiswholetimeandOh,that’swhatyoucallthatthing.Whichwasa)somethingIwouldtaketomygrave,andb)moreproofthattheoldmethodsofshame-fueledsexedwerenotonlyineffectivebutproducedtwenty-seven-year-oldwomenwhohadtoturntheirwholelivesupsidedowntoreclaimtheirsexualpowerafterbeingspurnedinbed.Whatparentwouldwishthatupontheirchild?
“I’vebeenwrackingmybraintocomeupwithsolutionsforthislibrarian.AllIcanthinkismaybeLogan’scampaigncouldstartapetitionororganizeatalkwiththeauthor.Butitfeelstoosmall.”
“Why’sthebookbanned?”
“Well,it’scalledSexIsNotaDirtyWord,andittreatssexlikeit’snothingtobeashamedof.ButGabby’sdistrict—that’sthelibrarian,GabbyBui—teachesabstinence-only.They’resayingit’sinappropriateforkidstoreadabouttheirownchangingbodies.It’sbenignstuff,butpeoplearegoingafterallkindsofbooksthesedays.It’sgottensobadtheLibraryCouncil’santi-censorshiptaskforcecan’tkeepupwithalltherequestsforhelp.”
Zoeythrewdownherpaintbrushsoharditclatteredonthecobblestones.
“Whoa.”Istartled.“Everythingokay?”
Sheshookherhead,chlorine-greenstrandsflying.“Wecan’tletthishappen.Thosekidsdeserveshame-freesexeducation.”
“You’retotallyright,”Isaid,eyeswidening.“Ijusthadnoideayou’dfeelthisstrongly.”
Sheranherhandsthroughherhairandtookadeepbreath.“Asabiwoman,I’msensitivetoanyonebeingmadetofeelshameovertheirsexuality.That’snotsomethingItakelightly.AndI’msickandtiredofhearingaboutbookskidsneed—notjustqueerkids,butallkids—beingbanned,especiallyhereinTexas.”
“Thatmakestotalsense,Zo.IagreeandI’msorryIdidn’tthinkaboutthatbeforebringingitup.Doyouwanttobeinvolvedinmypetition?”
Zoeyhadafarawaylook.Suddenlyherwholefacebrightenedandshesnappedherfingers.“Forgetthepetition.You’reright,it’swaytoosmall.We’redoingaprotest.”
Mystomachdropped.“Awhat?”
“Apublicrally.”Shemust’vereadthelookonmyface.“Don’tworry,wedoitallthetime.Iswear,thesedaysIgotooneaweek.They’realwaysagoodtimeandtheyalwaysmakethenews.Halfthetimetheyevenmovetheneedle,whichasyouknowishighROIwhenitcomestoprotesting.”
IdidnotknowthatbecauseI’dneverbeentoarallybefore.IthoughtbacktowhatNorasaid,thatlovewaspolitical,whetheryouacknowledgeditornot.Iaddedtothat:simplyexistingwaspolitical—takingupspaceintheworld,onbookshelves.
“Whenyousay‘wedoitallthetime,’”Iaskedcautiously,“who’sthiswe?”
Zoeywavedahandatthecourtyard.“TheAustinartcommunity.Afreespeechissue?They’regoingtobealloverit,trustme.AndIhaveafriendoverattheAustinQueerCaucuswhoIknowwouldgethernetworkonboard.They’reaforce—alwaysstandingupforpeople’srights.They’reamazing.”
Igulped.“Itsoundslikethiscouldturnintoabigthing.”
“No,don’tworry.Wehaveitdowntoascience—thepermits,theparticipants.It’spracticallypaintbynumbers.Youjustworryaboutroundingupthelibrarians.”
Couldweactuallypullthisoff?Iwasnowherenearwhatanyonewouldconsideraleader.I’dspentacomfortable—iflonely—lifeinthebackground,andmyresolvetobeanewAlexisfeltoutmatchedbythisidea.
“Please?”Zoeypressedherhandstogether.“Justatinybabyrallyinfrontofthecapitol.It’llbegreat.”
Asshestoodtherewithherwideeyesfullofhope,myheartfilledwithaffection:forher,forGabbyandherschoolkids,formyownkidsatthelibrary.Andthelovemademefeelbrave.
“Okay,”Isaid,andshewhooped.“Justaverysmall,tamegroupmarchingdownEleventhStreet.Mildchanting—noairhorns.Andonlytastefulsigns.”Iglanceddownatmybarelythereleaftop.“Actually,scratchthat—onlysubduedsignsallowed.”
“Ah,”shesquealed,rushingovertohugme.“Thankyou!Ipromise,we’llbesosmallandsubdued,you’llhavezeroregrets.”18GetYourAssDownHere,It’saFreeSpeechRager
ThecrowdpulledmelikeariptidetowardEleventhStreet,onlytobestoppedbythesuddenappearanceofafull-blownmarchingband.TheyweredeckedoutinTexasLonghornregalia,cowboyhatsandfringedshirtsandall,andimmediatelyburstintoajazzyrenditionofBritneySpears’s“HitMe,Baby,OneMoreTime.”Squealswentuparoundme.Ilookedaround,dazed.TherehadtobehundredsofpeoplepouringthroughthestreetsofdowntownAustin.
“Alexis,thankGod.”QuinnXavier,theheadoftheAustinQueerCaucus,rushedtowardme,defyingthecrowd.Shegavemeaonce-over,thenspokequicklyintoawalkie-talkie.“Yes,Ifoundher.SheappearstobehypnotizedbyaBritneySpearssong.Bringingherbacknow.”
QuinntookmyelbowandgentlysteeredmebacktowhereI’dcomefrom.“Darling,doyouwanttheLonghornmarchingbandtogobeforeoraftertheFirstAmendmentFireEaters?Themarchisabouttostart.”
“March?”Myvoicewashollow.MyeyeshadbeensowideforsolongIwasafraidtheyweregoingtobestucklikethis.“Itwassupposedtobeatinybabyrally.”
“Oh,this?”Quinnjerkedherchinatthecrowd.“Thisisnothing,justalittleSaturdaypop-up.Wegotwhowecouldlastminute.Nowwhereareyouonthebandandfireeaters?”
“Howdidyougettheactualcollegemarchingband?Andfireeaters?”
“Turnsoutthemarchingband’sastaunchsupporteroffreedomofspeech,gofigure,alliesinunlikelyplacesandallthat.Andthefireeating’ssomeFahrenheit451reference,Idon’tknow,doIlooklikethekindofpersonwhopaidattentioninmiddleschoolEnglish?Nooffense,darling,theworkyoudoasalibrarianisvital,obviously,that’swhywe’rehere.Mytwocents:thefireeatersaredivas,butthenewslikesthemsincetheymakeagoodshot,soyoumightwanttoletthemgofirst.Thenifthere’sanaccidentlikelasttime,themarchingbandcanswoopinanddistracteveryone.”
Iturnedtoher,mouthagape.“Who’s,uh,legallyliableincaseofafire?Notthepersonincharge,right?”Icrossedmyfingers.Fireinsuranceaside,Icouldn’tshakethefeelingIwasmissingsomething.SomethingIwassupposedtodobutforgotinthewhirlwindofplanning.
“Alexis!”Theshoutbrokethroughthenoise.“Iwasworriedthecrowdateyou.”QuinnandIwerebackattheprotest’scentralcommandstation,akaafoldingtableloadedwithwaterbottles,walkie-talkies,andclipboards.Zoeyhurriedover,MurielandGiarightbehindher.“Isn’tthisgreat?”Zoeysquealed.“Fabulousturnout!”
Themastermindbehindthemayhem.Iwasreadytounleashaverysternlywordedreprimand—tiny,mybutt—whenIregisteredheroutfit.“Whatareyouwearing?”
ZoeystoodnexttoMurielandGiain,asbestIcouldtell,theeroticmovieversionoftheiroutfits.Herhairwaspulledbackinabunwithapenciltuckedthroughit,andsheworeacardiganlikeMurielandGia,exceptherswascropped.Insteadoftheirsensiblejeans,sheworeaslittedminiskirt.Allthreeofthemblinkedbackatmefrombehindmatchingpairsofthick-framedglasses.
Zoeydidalittletwirl.“I’malibrarian,duh!Dressedintheme.”
Giacutin.“TheLibraryCouncilandTexasEducatorsAssociationgotaheckofalotofpeopletoshowup.We’restandingbetweentheACLUandtheCowboysforIntellectualFreedom.OnlyinTexas.”
Murielclaspedherhands.“It’ssoexciting!Ifeeledgylikemydaughter.”
“Thereyouare!”LeeelbowedherwaythroughacrowdofmendressedliketheFoundingFathers.“Reportingforduty.”
Myheartsoared.Leewashere.Thatmeanteverythingwasgoingtobeokay.“Youcame.”
“OfcourseIcame.Thisisyourbigday.Quinn,Muriel,Gia,nicetoseeyouallagain.”Leeshookeachoftheirhandswithpracticedpolish,thenlookedaround,eyebrowsraised.“I’mgladsomanypeopleshowedupforthis.It’simpressive.Now,let’stalkspeechlineup.Ihavelotsofthoughtsaboutthisbanningbullshit,soI’mgoingtoneedalittlemoretimeonthedocket,justFYI.”
ItwashappeningexactlylikeI’dhoped.Iwasfinallydoingsomethingbigenough,somethingimportant,andLeewaspayingattention.Aswellofprideliftedmyshoulders.Suddenly,thecircusofpeopledidn’tseemsointimidating.
“Alexis,”Zoeysaid,snappingmeoutofit.“Whatareyouthinkingforthespeeches?It’salmosttimetowalktothestage.”
Ilookedaroundandfoundthemallstaringatme.Right.Iwassupposedtobeincharge.Itookadeepbreath.“Inthatcase.”Iwavedthemforward.“Let’swalkandtalk.IthinkweopenwithQuinnandtheheadoftheLibraryCouncil.Theycanbreaktheice,thenwe’llmovetoGabbyBui,sincethisishercampaign,thentheauthor.DidyouknowhehasaPhDinsexeducation?”
“He’ssonicehe’sbasicallytheMr.Rogersofsexed.”Leematchedmestepforstepdespiteherheels.
“Thenaftertheauthor,Lee,maybeyoucantalkaboutwhatpeoplecandobeyondtherally?Areyouokaygoingfourth?”
“WhoamI,MariahCarey?I’llgowheneveryouneedme.”
Ifeltthesuddenurgetostopinmytracksandhugher,butLeehadneverbeenahugger.Isqueezedmyfistsinstead
“Whataboutyou?”Quinnpoppeduponmyotherside.“Aren’tyougoingtokickusoff?”
“Yeah,Lex,youhavetogofirst,”Zoeysaid.“You’rethefaceofLogan’scampaign.”
“Wouldbeweirdifyoudidn’t,”Leeagreed.
Aheadofus,themassiveTexasStateCapitolloomedinthedistance,withitscolumnsandgloriousdomedroof.Achillliftedthehairsonmyarms.I’dstepped(fallen?)intothebigleagues.Yetagain,thatpersistentsensethatI’dmissedsomethingnaggedatme.ButIwassurroundedbyagroupofdeterminedwomen,allofthemlookingatmeliketheyexpectedbigthings,andIdidn’twanttoletthemdown.Ipushedthenaggingfeelingaside.
“Okay.”Iswallowed,eyesonthestage.“I’llgofirst.”
“Andthat,”Isaidintothemic,“iswhyit’ssoimportanttofightforstudents’accesstobooks.Asaschoollibrarian,Icantellyouthatkidshavealotofquestions,especiallyaboutloadedtopicslikepuberty.Theydeservethoughtful,shame-freebookslikeSexIsNotaDirtyWordtohelpthemnavigate.”
Ipaused,heartpounding,waitingfortheclappingtodiedown.Itwasanawe-inspiringsight,allofthesepeoplestretchedbeforeme,fillingthestreet.Awe-inspiringandterrifying.MyflightinstinctshadbeenscreamingatmetofleefromthemomentIsteppedonstage,whichwaseitherfiveminutesortenyearsago.
“WhichiswhyI’mproudtobehereonbehalfoftheLoganArthurcampaign,”Iconcluded,speakingpasttheknotinmystomach.“So,withoutfurtherado,I’dliketointroduceyoutoGabbyBui,thelibrarianleadingthechargeagainstthebookban.Shecantellyoumoreaboutwhatshe’sfacinginherdistrict.”
Gabbywasalreadywalkingacrossthestage,soIwavedgoodbyetotheaudienceandscurriedoff,squeezingGabby’sarmasIpassedher.Herwholefacewasshiningwithanticipation,provingsomepeoplereallywerebornforthespotlight.I,ontheotherhand,meltedwithrelieftheminuteIclimbedoffthestagesteps.
“You’reanatural,”Leegushed,slingingherarmovermyshoulders.“Whoknewyouhaditinyou?”
Iforcedasmile.“Yep,that’sme.Anatural.”
Iwenttoflipmyphoneoffsilentandalmostdroppedit.Ihadtwelvemissedcallsandalaundrylistoftexts.ItwasmostlyNora,whosemessagesturnedincreasinglyfranticasIscrolled,fromWhatdidIjustseeonmyGooglealertsaboutabookbanningrally?toWhyamIseeingTwitterpoststaggedwith#LoganArthurSupportsFreeSpeech?andfinally,AlexisRosalieStone(yesIknowyourmiddlenameandawholelotworse!)areyouSPEAKINGatthisrally?!TherewereafewtextsfromCarythatweremostlylongstringsofgravestoneandskullemojis,andfinally,onefromLogan.ItjustsaidCallme
Mystomachdroppedlikealeadballoon.“Oh,no.”SuddenlyIrealizedexactlywhatI’dforgottentodo.
Leepeekedovermyshoulder.“What’swrong?”
“Onascaleofonetoten,howbadwoulditbeifIforgottotellthecampaignIwasdoingthis?”
ThesmilevanishedfromLee’sface.“Doingwhat?”sheaskedcarefully.“Yourintroduction?TheLoganArthurforFreeSpeechT-shirtcannon?”
“Uh…”Igrimaced.“Kindof…”
“No.”Leeshookherheadandbackedup.“Don’tsayit.”
“Allofit?”19IntheDoghouse
Ihadn’texpectedthatthefirsttimeI’dgetaninvitationtoLogan’shouse,itwouldbeforaprofessional-gradereaming.ButhereIwas,forcedtolieintheuncomfortablebedofmyownmaking.IpulledupbehindaJeepIrecognizedasCary’sandstudiedLogan’shome.Itwassmall,oneofthoseCraftsmanbungalowsI’dalwaysloved,whitewithbluetrimandawidefrontporchthatwouldbeperfectforaswingingchair.Loganprobablywasn’topentohomeimprovementsuggestionsatthisparticularmoment,soI’dhavetosuggestitlater.Hisstreetwaslovelyandfulloftrees.Whatashametoseeitforthefirsttimewiththisblackcloudhangingoverme.Itookadeepbreath,thenexhaled.Timetofacethemusic.
I’dbarelyfinishedknockingbeforethedoorswungopentorevealCary.Heslouched,onehandbracedagainstthedoorframe,andshookhishead.“Oooh,Rudy,youreallydiditthistime.”
“Iknow.”Itriedtopushpasthim,buthekeptblockingme.“Areyougoingtoletmein?”
“Cary,letthegirlin,”cameadeep,throatyvoiceIrecognizedasAnita’s.Oh,boy.They’dbroughtinthebigguns.
Caryreluctantlyletmepass,andsuddenlyIwasinLogan’slivingroom.Itwaswarmandhomey,glowingwithlamplightandfilledwithahodgepodgeoffurniturethatlookedlikehe’dcollecteditovertheyearsfromfamilycastoffs,muchlikeI’dcollectedmine.Butthecozinessoftheoverstuffedcouchandthrowrugwasdrasticallyundercutbythegauntletoficystares.NoraandAnitasatstone-facedonthecouch,andLogansatinanearbyarmchair,frowning.HiseyesflickedtomineasIwalkedinandIfeltasurgeofadrenaline.Whenhelookedaway,Iwasleftalonewitharacingheart.
Caryshutthefrontdooranddartedaroundmetositonthecouch,whereheresumedshakinghishead.Hewasenjoyingnotbeingtheoneintroublefartoomuch.
“Nowthatwe’reallhere,”Norasaid.“Alexis,wouldyoumindreadingthispressrelease?”
Notthemostpromisingstart,but…“Sure.”Itookherphoneandreadfromherscreen.ThereleasecarriedGovernorMane’sseal.“GovernorinNegotiationswithCollinsburgCityCounciltoReverseControversialBookBan,”theheadlineannounced,followedbyasubhead:“Governorleadingthefighttodefendconstituents’FirstAmendmentrights.”
IfrownedasIscannedtherest.Itwastimestampedonlythirtyminutesago.Notonlywastherallystillgoingon,butthismoveseemedoutofcharacterforthegovernor.“IthoughtManewoulddefendthebookban,nottrytogetitreversed.That’sourposition.Howdidthishappen?”
“I’msogladyouasked,”Norasaidcoolly,andmymindyelledtrap!“ThishappenedbecauseoneofthemembersoftheLoganArthurcampaign,ayoungupstartbythenameofAlexisRosalieStone—”
Iwinced.Hearingmyfullnamenevermeantgoodthings.
“Decidedtotakeituponherselftoorganizeanentirerallyindefenseofanissueshe’dbarelytalkedtotherestofthecampaignabout.Insteadofaskingourstrategiststocomeupwiththebestapproachtoscoreapoliticalvictory,shejustslapdashedthingsandhandedouropponenttheperfectopportunitytolooklikeahero.Andhowhasthat
AnitaglancedupfromheriPad.“We’reupfourpercentpositivefromtherally.Governor’supfourteenpercentpositivefromactuallysolvingtheproblem.”
“Therallycould’vesolvedtheproblemifwe’dgivenittimetowork,”Isqueaked.
Nora’seyebrowsrose.Igulped.
“Nora,”Loganwarned,andshesighed.
“Iknowyou’renewatthis,Alexis.”Thistime,hervoicecameoutgentler.“Butthisiswhyyoubringideastousfirstanddon’tgorushingoutintothefieldallidealisticandPollyanna.Wehavetobestrategic.GroverManeissavvy.He’llsnakeourownideasoutfromunderus.”
Iliftedmychinhigher.LeehadgivenmeapeptalkbeforeIdroveover.She’dtoldmetoapologizeforgenuinemissteps,butotherwiseholdmyground.“IunderstandthewayIwentaboutthiswaswrong,andI’mverysorry.Imean,Ican’tsayI’msorrythegovernorswoopedinandsolvedtheproblem,becauseI’mgladhedid,forGabbyandherkids.Ifyouthinkaboutit,inawayyoucouldsayourrallydidwork,itjustdidn’tbenefitourcampaign.”
Carycoughed,butIplungedforward.“AndIknowIshouldhaveconfirmedthateveryoneknewwhatIwasplanning,butinmydefense,IdidsendCaryaTwitterDM.”
“YousentmeagifofLeslieKnopeyelling‘bootandrally,’withacaptionthatsaid,‘IhavenoideawhatI’mdoingwiththisgovernmentstuffbutIhopetoseeyouthere,’”hesaid.
“See?Idon’tknowhowIcould’vebeenclearer.Itsays‘rally’rightinthegif.That’showgifswork,right?Layeredmeanings.”
Carytsked.“Agifisn’tapropermessage.”
“Thenwhydoyousendmesomany?”Iglaredathim.“Yousentmegifs,soIsentyougifs.”Ipointedbackandforthbetweenus.“Gif,gif—”
“AsfascinatingasthisinsightintoGenZcommunicationstylesis…”Noradrawled.
Ithrewupmyhands.“I’msorry.IknowImessedup.IguessIgotexcitedaboutactuallybeingabletodosomethingforGabbyandthebook,youknow,havingthisnewplatform.Igotcarriedaway.”IchancedalookatLogan,whowasquietlyhunchedinhischair,elbowsbracedonhisthighs,listening.
Hemust’vefeltmygaze,becausehelookedupandmetmyeyes.Theadrenalinecamebackfullforce.IwishedIwouldhurryupandbecomeimmunetothesightofhimsoIcouldfinallyhavesomepeace.
Heswallowed.“Look,I’mgladtheban’sgettingreversed.”Hespokeinalowvoicethatwasnolesspowerfulforbeingquiet.“ButyouandIpromisedwe’druncampaigndecisionsbyeachother,remember?Itwasoneofourthreerules.Thatwaywe’reonthesamepageandnoonegetsleftbehind.Icould’vehelped.”
Icouldn’tstoplookingatthetightwayheheldhisjaw.Itwaslikehewasforcinghimselftolookatme,liketheveryactcosthim.ButLoganneverhadtroubledealingwithworkproblems.Hewasalwayscutanddry.Thenithitme:hewasn’tdisappointedinmelikeacolleague,thewayNorawas.Hewashurtthewayapersonwaswhensomeonetheytrustedbetrayedthem.Irememberedwhathe’dtoldmeaboutTinsley,howtheyhadn’tbeenonthesamepage,andhowmuchithadhurthimwhenshe’dlefthimbehind.
I’dhurtLoganpersonally,notprofessionally.Iknewitshouldmakemefeelterrible,butasIsearchedhisface,thismanwhowasholdingmyeyeseventhoughhisweretelegraphingfeelingsheclearlywantedtokeephidden,Ifeltasenseofwonder.Logancaredaboutme.
“Ithinkwe’reprobablydonehere,”Norasighed.“Alexisknowstokeepusintheloopinthefuture.Right,Alexis?”
Iturnedtoher.Forthefirsttime,mynormalurgetodoanythingtosmoothoverathornysituationwasgone.Initsplace,Ifeltatinyflameofrebellion.“Onceagain,”Isaidcarefully.“I’msorryfornotdouble-checkingwithyouandlettingthegovernorstealawin…”Itookadeepbreath.“ButI’mnotsorryIdidit.Itwastherightthingtodo.”
AsNorasighedandAnitacackled,“Somuchforournicelibrarian,”Istraightenedmyspine.“Iappreciateyourtime,”Iadded,becausethatseemedpolite.AsIturnedtoleave,IchancedonelastlookatLogan—andfound,tomysurprise,thatwhilehisdarkeyeswerestillfixedonthefloor,heworethetiniesthintofasmile.20Escalation
TherewasonewordfortheaudienceofBartonSpringsteacherswhosataroundmeintheteachers’lounge,watchingmewithshiningfaces,lobbingquestionsaboutthebookbanandLogan’sbudgetexpansionsofastIcouldbarelykeepup,andthatwordwasentourage.ItwasadreadedMonday,andyettheatmosphereinsidetheloungewasbuzzing.Itwasstandingroomonly,andnewpeoplekeptsqueezinginliketheywereinchingpastvelvetropesintoaclub.Thebookbanrallyseemedtohaveturnedmeintotheeducators’versionofHarryStylesovernight.
“Didyouhearyourbookbanreversalisoneofthefastestreversalsonrecord?”askedJonReeves,athirdgradelanguageartsteacher.“That’sgoingtomakeotherdistrictsthinktwice.”
“Ididn’tknowthat,”Isaid,tryingtowarmtotheattention.“Buthonestly,allcreditgoestoGabbyBuiandtheAustinQueer—”
“DoyoureallythinkLogancangetthelegislatorstogiveusmoremoney?”interruptedPrincipalZimmerman’sassistant,MeganKwan.SheleanedoverJon,tappingherlong,vividpinknailsagainstthetable.
“Ifhegetselected,it’sgoingtobeoneofhistoppriorities.Hehadateamofeconomistsdoprojectionstofigureouthowtoincreasethebudget.”Spoutingresearch,atleast,Ifeltsafe.“DidyouknowTexasgivestaxcutstoathleticteamsandbusinessestogetthemtorelocatehere?Ifyoumakethosetaxcutsevenalittlelessgenerous,you’realreadylookingatasurplus—”Onthetableinfrontofme,myphonestartedbuzzing.“Uh.”Ifrowned.“Excusemeforaminute.”
ConversationcontinuedwhileIturnedtomyphone.ItlookedlikeIwasgettingtaggeddozensoftimesonTwitterandInstagram.Withasinkingfeeling,IopenedTwitter.Thetagswereonanewsclip.Inthestillimage,LoganstoodinfrontofTrishaSmithfromCBS12.Thatalonemademenervous.IclickedPlay.
“NowMr.Arthur,”Trishasaid,inthatassertivevoiceI’dalwaysadmired.“Comingoffthismorning’stownhallontheimportanceoffreespeech—kudosontherecordnumberofattendees,bytheway—”
Logan,who’dbeenleaninginandnoddingasshespoke,gaveheraquick,“Thankyou.”
“Ihavetoask:HowdiditfeelwhenGovernorManerecentlysweptintogetthebanonSexIsNotaDirtyWordreversed?Thatwasobviouslyafreespeechissuespearheadedbyyourgirlfriend.Doyouworrythegovernor’sactionmakesyoulookweakbycomparison?Allbark,nobite?”
Ouch.
Logan’sfaceremaineduntroubled.“Thanksforthequestion,Trisha,andforbeingsoconsistentlycharming.”Surprisingly,heturnedandlookeddirectlyintothecamera.“IapplaudGovernorManefortakingswiftanddecisiveactiontosupporteducatorsandstudentsinCollinsburg.I’mnotworriedaboutwhatvoterswillthinkfortworeasons.One,I’vealwaysmademycampaignaboutactioninsteadofhotair,andIbelievevoterscanseethedifferencebetweendoingtheworkconsistentlyandjumpingintotakeadvantageofasplashymediamoment.Thesecondreasonis,asyoumentioned,IhaveAlexisStonebymyside.”
Myheartsomersaultedinmychest.
“Alexisisaneducatorherself—so,unlikeGovernorMane,theissueisn’tone-and-doneformycampaign.Infact—”Hegrinnedintothecamera.“I’mhappytoannounceAlexiswillbebackoutatthecapitolthisweekend,marchingwiththeteachersunionforincreasedsalaries.”
Excuseme—Iwasdoingwhat?
Trisha,whoclearlydidn’tlikehowLoganwashoggingthecamera,not-so-subtlyshoulderedhimoutoftheway.“Wow,thereyouhaveit,folks.BreakingnewshereatCBS12.Teachers,itsoundslikeyouhaveanewchampioninAlexisStone.We’llseeyouatthecapitol.”
Theclipended,andmyjawdropped.Loganhadjustvolunteeredmetoleadamarchinafewdays’timeontelevision.AmarchpeoplewerenowrabidlydiscussingonTwitter.“Oh,no,”Imurmured.“Oh,no,no,no.”Ileapedoutofmychairandduckedintotheemptyhallway.Icouldn’tscrollthroughmycontactsfastenough,jabbingCallandtappingmyfootasthephonerang.
Logan’svoicewasthesmuggestI’deverheardit.“Ifitisn’ttheteachers’champion.I’vebeenexpectingyou.”
Thenerve.“Whereareyou?”
“Myhouse—”
“Staythere.”Ihungup.Loganandthecampaignwantedmoredirectcommunication?Iwouldshowthemdirectcommunication.
IpoundedonthedoorofLogan’sannoyinglyadorablebungalow.Hebetternothaveleft.Hebetternotmakemewait—
Thedoorswungopen,andLoganstoodinfrontofmeinjoggersandaT-shirt,eatingasandwichwithaserenesmile.“Alexis!”Hisvoicewascheery.“Comeonin.”
Ifroze,caughtoffguard.ThenInarrowedmyeyesandstrodepasthim.“Yougetonmycasefornotgivingyouenoughofaheads-upaboutthebookrally,thenyoucommitmetoaprotestonliveTV.Withouteventellingme.”
“Oh,good,yousawthenews.Hey,aren’tyousupposedtobeatschoolrightnow?”
Iwaved.“Ihaveahalfday.It’sacost-cuttingmeasuresotheschooldistrictcankeepourhoursdown.Don’ttrytodistractme.Whatdoyouhavetosayforyourself?”
Loganlookedupattheceilingthoughtfully.“IguessI’dsay…”Hesoundedwaytoohappy.“I’msorryfornottellingyou,butI’mnotsorryIdidit.Itwastherightthingtodo.”Hegrinnedatme.
Usingmyownwordsagainstme.“Soisthiswhatwe’redoingnow?Titfortat?”Ifoldedmyarmsovermychest,emboldenedasalwaysbyhisshamelessness.“Okay,then.Gameon.”Ifrowned.“Wait,whatareyoudoinghome?Ijustsawyouinasuitonthenews.”
Logansaunteredintothekitchen,buthisvoicecarried.“Ihadanearlytownhall—pancakebreakfast,thoughofcourseIdidn’tgettoeat.NowI’mtakingareadingday.PreppingformyfirstdebatewithMane.”
IshiveredattheideaofhavingtodebatesomeoneonTV.Thatrankedhighonmylistofpersonalnightmares.NowthatItookstockofhislivingroom,Inoticedhisarmchairandcoffeetablewereburiedinstacksofpaper,notebooks,andhighlighters.Seriousdebateresearch.
Hereturnedsanssandwichandstoppedafewfeetinfrontofme,stickinghishandsinhispockets.Nowthatmyindignationwasfading,IrealizedthiswasthefirsttimeI’dseenLoganoutofasuit.HisgrayT-shirtwasstretchedtautoverhisbiceps.Hisjoggershuggedhisathleticthighs,endingrightabovehisbarefeet,whichweresurprisingly…elegant.Incasualclothes,itwaseasytotellheplayedsoccer.Hehadabodybuiltforpower.
Itwistedmyhandstogether,faceheating.SeeingLoganlikethisfeltasintimateaswatchinghimundressinthehotel.“I’llgetoutofyourhair.Thoughconsiderthismyformalcomplaintaboutthemarch.I’llgo,butI’llhateeveryminuteofit.Orprobablynot,becauseit’sagoodcause.ButIwillbehighlyannoyedforatleastthefirstthird.”Iturnedtoleave.
“Wait,”hesaid.“Stay.”
Ilookedathim,standingthereallcasualandbeautiful,andmyheartpoundedtraitorously.
“Iwasjustabouttomaketea.Doyouhaveanyworkyouneedtodo?Wecouldkeepeachothercompany.IpromiseI’maquietreader.Iwon’tbotheryou.”
ThesamewarningbellsthathadgoneoffattheHideawaywentoffnow.Ishouldprobablyleave.Attheveryleast,putsomedistancebetweenmeandthesightofLogan’schestinthatshirt.Butitwouldbenicetohavecompanyinsteadofworkingaloneinmyapartment.AndI’dbeendoingagoodjobkeepingmyinstincttoromanticizeincheck.
“Idohavesomebookcataloguestoread.”Iliftedmytotebag,wheretheywerestuffed.
Hisfacebrightened.“Really?Great.”Hesuddenlylookedatalossforwhattodonext.“Uh.YouwantEarlGrey?”
“Sure,”Isaid,andhesprintedforthekitchen.
IputmybagdownandsankintoLogan’scouch.Worn,butcomfy.Icouldworkwiththis.Therewasevenacreamblanketdrapedovertheback,anunexpectedtouchofcozy.Infact,Logan’sentirehouse—asmuchasIcouldsee—wasunexpected.Giventheamountoftimehespentworking,I’dassumedhisplacewouldbebarelyfurnished,ordominatedbythecampaign:whiteboard,posters,three-ringbinders,younameit.Butthiswasdifferent—lived-inandnice.
IamsittinginLogan’shouse.Eachnewthing—theblanket,thestackofvinylrecordsinthecorner,thefactthatheseemedtolikewarmcolors—wasapieceofLogantriviaImemorizedtodissectlater.
Iwasstillcataloguingwhenherushedback,holdingtwosteamingmugs.“IrememberedyourcoffeeorderfromthatdayCarygotusStarbucks.Splashofmilkandspoonfulofsugar.Hopethatworksfortea.”HesetthemugonthecoffeetableandIblinkedatit.
“That’sperfect,actually.”ItwashardtoforgetthedayCaryhadbeensenttogetuscoffeebecausehe’dcomplainedsoloudlyaboutbeinganerrandboy.ButIhadn’tthoughtLoganwaspayingattentiontome.
Hesettledinhisarmchair,kickingonelegovertheother.“I’mgoingtodiveinonsomeeconomicimpactstudies.Yougood?”
Inodded,bendingoverandpullingoutmychildren’sliteraturecatalogue.MurielhadturnedovermostofthebookbuyingtomebecauseshesaidIhadabettersenseoftrends.Istudiedthecatalogue.“Lookslikeit’salotoftinywitchessolvingcrimesinmyfuture.”Ilookedathim.“I’mfeelingverysmugaboutmycareerchoicesrelativetoyoursatthemoment.”
Hissmilewasinstantandwarm.“Littledoyouknowbemoaningyourcareerchoicesisthefirststepofalldebateprep,soI’mrightontarget.Cometalktomewhenyouneedtoknowtheeconomicimpactsoftinywitchessolvingcrimes.Obviously,thedecreasedcrimerateswillimprovelivingconditions,butontheotherhand,themagicalsecurityindustrytakesahit.”
IshookmyheadandutteredthewordI’drecentlylearnedwasagrievousinsultinthepoliticalworld.“Wonk.”
LoganclutchedhischestlikeI’dshothimintheheart.Ismiledandwegotbusyreading.Therereallywerealotofupcomingchildren’sbooksaboutyoungwitchessolvingcrimes.Funnyhowthesethingsalwaysseemedtocomeinwaves.Absently,Ituggedthecreamblanketoffthebackofthecouchandunfoldedit,wrappingmyselfinthesoft,fuzzy
“Areyoucold?”heasked.“IcanturndowntheAC.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ijustlikebeingcozy.”Hislookofconcernrelaxedintoasmallsmile,andIpulledtheblankethigherundermychin.ALogan-scentedcocoonwasalmostasgoodasaLogan-scentedembrace,andfarlesscomplicated
“Haveyoueverthoughtaboutwritingbooks?”heaskedabruptly.
Iloweredthecatalogue.“What?”
“It’sjust,youlovethem.”Heleanedforward.“You’resowell-read.Andyou’reareallygoodwriter.Allyourspeecheshavebeengreat.Andyouseemedsohappythatnightatthebar,inventingthosestories.”
Ifeltahotflushcreepupmyneck.LoganwasdescribinghowI’dliedtohim,nomatterhowgenerouslyheframedit.“Backintheday,Iguess.”Inhighschoolandcollege,Iusedtodreamofbeingawriter.Theflushcreptfurthernorth.“Iusedtowritetheselonglistsofideasforkids’books.Ieventookafewwritingclassesincollege.”Ihadatleastadozenbeginningsofstoriesstoredinanoldlaptopsomewhereinmycloset.Atonepoint,withmyfamilysplinteredandLeeoffdoingherthing,writinghadmademefeellessalone,thewayreadinghadwhenIwasyounger.“Itwasapipedream.Iknowhowharditistogetpublished.ItfeelskindofarroganttothinkI’dbeattheodds.”I’dstoppedwritingaroundthetimeI’dgottenrejectedforgradschoolandhadtodevotemytimetosearchingforanentry-levellibrarianjob.Dreams,meetreality.
“Igetit,”hesaid.“Idon’tlikefailing,either.ButI’mabigbelieverintakingrisks.”
“Youhaven’treallyfailedbefore,Harvard.Talktomeafteryoudo.”
“Fairenough.”Hepickeduphismugandsmiledintoit.“Ifyoueverneedtoborrowsomearrogance,IguessI’vegotitinspades.”
Ilaughedinsurprise,andafterthatacomfortablesilencefellbetweenus.Istudiedthebookcatalogue,tryingtofocusonpurchasesforthelibrary,butthethoughtofthoseoldstoriesabandonedonmylaptopdoggedme.IfIeverwroteagain,whatstorieswouldItell?Maybeastoryaboutagirlwhodidn’tfeelcomfortableintheworld,whofeltaloneandoverlooked,butslowly,overtime,builtfriendshipsandcourageandlove.SomethingkidslikeMildredcouldseethemselvesin…
Igotlostinthoughtastimepassed.Then,outoftheblue,Loganmadeanoiseofpuredisgust.
Ilookedupfromthecatalogue.“What?”
Heshotmeaguiltylook.“Sorry.IknowIpromisedtobequiet.It’sjust,IneedtohammerManeabouthiscozinesswithbigcorporations.Iwanttosaycompaniesshouldn’thavelobbyingaccesstothegovernororlegislature,butmyteamthinksit’stooradicalandwillpissoffeveryone.IncludingtheDemsandcompaniesweneedtosupportus.”
FromlisteningtoLeeexplainthewaythingsworked,itwouldbeaprettybigchangeifcorporationsweren’tallowedtohirelobbyistswhocouldmarchrightintopoliticians’offices.“Soyourteamwantsyoutohammerthegovernorbuttheydon’twantyoutohammertoohard?”
Henodded,scootingtotheedgeofhisseat.“Theywantmetosaysomethingtepidlike,weshouldlimitcorporateinfluenceonstatepolitics.AndIwanttosayweshouldbancorporatelobbyingandhikecorporatetaxes.Bigbusinesseshavedominatedpoliticsforsolongtheideaofafreerepublicispracticallyafarce.”
Iraisedmyeyebrows.“Icanseehowthatwouldbecontroversial.”
“Yeah,but—”Loganstoodupandseizedhisnotebook,walkingovertothecouch.“CanI?”
MyheartbeatskippedasIlookedupathim.“Ofcourse.”
Hepaused.“Didyougathereveryblanketandpillowinthelivingroom?”
IglancedattheLogan-scentedfortresssurroundingme.“Uh…IguessIdid.”
“You’relikeasoft-thingmagnet.”Hesatdownnexttome,closerthanI’dexpected,andleanedin,showingmehisnotebook.Itwascoveredinhisjaunty,spikyhandwriting,eachletterwrittenlikeitwasburstingwithenergy.Ourbodiesbrushedattheshoulders,elbows,knees—asuddensensoryoverload.Howwashisskinsowarm?Howwasitpossiblehecouldsendsomuchelectricityracingthroughmeatthelightesttouch?InalltheyearsI’ddevouredromancenovels,I’dreaddescriptionafterdescriptionofthewayitcouldfeelwhensomeonetouchedyou:achargelikelightningorthewholeworldstillingatthebrushofhisfingertips.I’dalwaysskimmedthoseparts,thinkingtheywereanexaggeration,sinceI’dneverfeltthatwaywithanyoneinreallife.Butitcouldhappen.Itwasn’tfiction.Mywholebodywasrigid,attunedtoLogan’severymovement.Itwasexquisitetorture.
“Whatwouldyousayaboutcorporateinfluenceifyouwereme?”heasked.
Iblinkedathim.“Youshouldprobablyasksomeoneonyourteam.I’mnoexpert.”
“IwanttoknowwhatIcouldsaytowinyou.”Logangrippedhisnotebook.Andthereitwasagain,inhisfurrowedbrow,hisseriouseyes,theearnestexpression.Care.
“Well,”Isaid,takingadeepbreath.Itwashardtothinkstraightwithhimsoclose.“I’dwantyoutobegenuine.Yourself,butthepoliteversion.Thereisthatversion,”Iinsisted,offthelookonhisface.“Maybesomethinglike,‘ThereasonIwanttobegovernorisbecauseI’veexperiencedfirsthandhowchoosingcorporationsoverpeopleharmsTexans.Likemanyvoters,I’vebeendisappointedbyhowoftenGroverManeprivilegesbigbusiness.That’swhylifedoesn’tfeelmuchdifferenteventhoughhemadebigpromises.Weneedmoresubstantivechange.That’swhyI’mproposingweaskcorporationstopayatleastasmuchintaxesastheaverageTexan,andweholdareferendumontheirabilitytolobby.”
Loganwasscribblingfuriously.“Iknewyouwouldbegoodatthis.Straightforwardbutnonconfrontational.”
“Well.”Icockedmyhead.“IguessIamanexpertatnonconfrontational.”
“Muchbetterthanme.”Hegrinnedandinchedcloser.Ourthighstouched.Analmostoverwhelmingdesiretocuphisfaceandkisshimleftmeclutchingmyfiststokeepthemstill.
“Wouldyoumindrunningthroughafewmorequestionswithme?Icanreturnthefavorifthere’sanythingyouneedtotalkthrough.AndIcanmakeusasnacklaterifyou’rehungry.”
IpicturedLoganinanapronandimmediatelybrightened.“Thisishardwork,isn’tit?Debatesaren’tjustpoliticiansvampingforthecamera.”
“It’snotansweringthequestionsthat’shard.IcouldtalkaboutthisstuffuntilIwasblueintheface.It’sthedamntiptoeingtheteamwantsmetodo.Ican’tlookangryorcallManeoutbecausevotersmightfindittooaggressive.Basically,Ican’tbemyself.”
Ibumpedhisshoulder.“Don’tworry.We’llfigureoutamiddleground.”
“Thankyou,”hesaid.“Really.”
“Ofcourse.”IdeservedanOscarforkeepingmyfacethisneutralwhilemynervesexplodedliketheFourthofJuly.“We’reateam.Besides,it’sniceyouwantmyopinion.”
Heflippedtoablankpage.“It’sprettymuchallIeverthinkabout.”Helookedoverquickly.“Imean,forthedebate.Youknow,becauseItrustyou.”Heclearedhisthroatandtuggedontheblanket.“DoyoumindifIgetsomeofthis?”
“Ofcourse.”IliftedtheblanketandLogandrapeditoverhislap.Thenheleanedbackagainstthecouchandrestedhisheadinhishand,facingme.
“Thisnextquestion’sabouthealthcare.”
Istartedtofacehim,thenhesitated.Wasthiswise?Istudiedhisfaceashefrownedathisnotebook,chewinghispen,andithitmewithasuddenfierceness:Ilikedthismansomuch.MyinconvenientphysicalattractionandhisannoyinghabitofsurprisingmeonliveTVaside,Icaredabouthim.Andinsmallways,hewasshowingmehecared,too.Maybeitwassafetoallowmyselfasmallincreaseinaffection,aslightupgradefromcoworkerstofriends.Thatcouldn’thurt,right?
IfeltawarmglowinmychestasIturned.Heshookhisheadandcrossedsomethingout.“Definitelyneedyourtakeonthis.Thestatisticsalone,Imean,thewholedebatecouldbeaboutthisissue.Ineedtofindawaytocenteradvocates’voices,especiallywomen’s.BetweenmeandMane,thisdebate’salreadyatotalbro-fest.Bigdickenergy,andnotinthegoodway.”
Isuppressedasmile.Yeah,IcouldgetusedtobeingLoganArthur’sfriend.21IfI’mGoingDown,You’reComingwithMe
IfIhadmyway,Iwouldsimplycrawlintoacaveandnevergiveaspeechagain.ButsinceLoganhadsignedmeuptospeakattheteachersunionmarch,hereIwas,sweatingonyetanotherstage.ThankGodforMurielLopez,theone-womanhypemachine.She’dbroughtherwholefamilytothemarch—husband,kids,cousins,evenhertinydog,clutchedtoherhusband’schest.AwholearmyofLopezsupportersintheaudience.WhileGiaandherhusbandhadarriveddressedsensiblyinblue-and-whiteTEAsweaters,Murielandherfamilyhadgonefordrama:makeup,glitter,abanner,thewholenineyards.Buriedunderabouttwelvefeetofscarves,MurielworeanofficiallicensedLoganArthurforGovernorT-shirt,andtherestofherfamilyworeunofficial,unlicensedMurielLopezforPresidentT-shirts.EverytimeIhitapauseinmyspeech,theycheeredmelikeIwasOprahgivingawayfreecars.ItwasthankstothemthatIwasgettingthroughthis.
“Let’sacknowledgethetruth,”Isaid,eyestrackingoverthecrowd.PeoplefilledEleventhStreet,stretchingasfarastheeyecouldseeunderthecloudlesslate-Septembersky,holdingsignsthatsaidPutYourMoneyWhereYourMouthIs,TexasandTeachersDeserveaLivingWage.ThecampaignandtheTEAhaddoneahellofajoborganizing.ThecampaignhadsetupwhatNoracalleda“publicitygauntlet”theweekbeforethemarchtohypeit.IhadtoaskPrincipalZimmermanforpermissiontomissschoolsoLoganandIcoulddoback-to-backinterviewsaboutoureducationplan.Inthemornings,wehitradioshows,drinkingcoffeewithvelvet-voicedemcees;intheafternoons,wesatdownwithnewspaperjournalists,whopausedtheirferventTwitterscrollingtoaskusquestions;andintheevenings,wesmiledforthecameraswithpreeningTVanchors.
Itwasawhirlwindthatwouldhavedizziedmeifnotformyownanchors:Logan,whowasagroundingpresencenexttomeineveryinterview;NoraandCary,whodutifullyhunginthewings,clutchingphonesandStarbuckscups;andNigel,whodroveusaroundtownwhilerecitingtheday’sforecast.Bygauntletdayfive,whenNoracheckedtoseehowIwasdoing,Itoldherthefiveofushadstartedtofeellikeaneccentriclittlefamily.She’dnoddedknowinglyandtoldmewhatIwasdescribingwascalledproximitybonding,commonlyexperiencedbykidnappingvictims.Thenshe’dlaughedatthelookonmyfaceandassuredmethatwewere,infact,afamily.
NowhereIwas,deliveringthespeechI’dspentallweekhyping.(Nopressure.)“Politicianshaveignorededucatorsforyears,”Itoldthecrowd.“They’vetakenawayretirementbenefits,cutworkforcenumbers,andletsalariesflatline.”Thecrowdroareditsagreement,andIsilentlythankedthespeechwriteronLogan’steamwho’dconvincedmetogowithflatline.Dramaseemedtobeawinner.
“Mostpoliticianstalkagoodgameaboutsupportingteachersandstudents,butwhatdoweactuallyhavetoshowforit?”IlookedintothefrontrowwhereLoganstood,tallanddarkanddashinginanavyblazer.Hegrinnedupatme,shieldinghiseyesagainstthesun.Truthbetold,hecameinaclosesecondtoMurielasanidealaudiencemember.
Iglancedatmynotes.“That’swhyI’mhonoredtointroducesomeonewhowillchangeteachers’andstudents’livesforthebetter.”Thiswasoff-script,andLoganwasalreadybeingshepherdedtothestagebyhissecurityteam,butIadded,“He’samanwhowantsnothingmorethantomakelifebetterforhisfellowTexans.Ibelieveinhim,andIhopeyoudo,too.”
Onmyright,Logansteppedontothestage.
“LoganArthur,everyone!”
ThecrowdcheeredandLoganwaved.Iclutchedmynotes,thrilledtobedone,andbeelinedinhisdirection.Whenwemet,hefoldedmeintoagianthuglikethecampaignteamhadinstructed.Performanceornot,Ibreathedadeepsighofreliefashisarmsclosedaroundme.Hehuggedmetight.
“Iwouldfollowyouanywhere,”hewhispered,hislipsbrushingmycheek,andthenhewasstridingforwardandwavingatthecrowd.
ThewordsrootedmeforamomentbeforeIshookmyselfandscurriedasgracefullyaspossibleoffstage.Securityguardshovered,guidingmedownthestairsandaroundthebackwheretherestofthespeakersstood.AsIthankedthemandsettledintowatchLoganononeofthemonitors,myphonelitwithatextfrommymom.
I’mspendingmydaypreppingformycommercial(stillnowordfromLee)andwatchingyouonTV!Youwereamazing.I’msoproud.AndyouandLoganlookedsoromanticonstage.I’mdyingtoknowwhathewhisperedinyourear!
Ismiledtomyself.Hesaidhewouldfollowmeanywhere.
Immediately,thelittledotsstartedbouncing.Oh,my,shewrote.That’sevenbetterthanIimagined.
IlookedupatLogan’sfaceonthemonitor.Hewas,wasn’the?
“Hey-o,AlexisStone,nicetomeetya.”
Iturnedtofindtwomenmymother’sagewalkingover.Theywerebothontheshortside,butwhileonewasbalding,theotherhadlonghairthatmadehimlooklikeahippie.Inaflash,IplacedthemfromthoseTEApamphletsthatgotmailedtomyapartmenteverymonth:ItwasSonnyYarrow,presidentoftheteachersunion,andKaiWest,secretary-treasurer.
“Ohmygosh.”Istuckoutmyhand.“SonnyandKai.It’sanhonortomeetyou.”MystudentsmightworshipTaylorSwiftandArianaGrande,butIwaslookingatmycelebrities.ThesewerethetwomeninchargeofstickingupforTexasteachers,whichbasicallymadethemheroes,inmyopinion.
Sonny,theonewithoutthehair,gavemyhandabriefpump.Long-hairedKaisaid,“Idon’tshakeatthesethings.Toomanygerms.”
“Oh.”Iyankedmyhandback.“Ofcourse.”Afterabeatwheretheylookedatmeexpectantly,Iadded,“Thankyouforagreeingtoholdthismarchwithus.I’mahugefanoftheworkyoudo.”
“That’sgreat,”Kaisaid.“Listen.WhatdoyouthinktheoddsareArthuractuallyfollowsthroughonthesepromises?”
Isearchedhisface,waitingforthepunchline.Whenitdidn’tcome,Iswallowedmysurprise.“Ithinktheoddsareahundredpercent.”Inoddedatthescreen.“Hewouldn’tbeupthereifhewasn’tinvested.”
“Ha,”Sonnylaughed.“You’recute,doll.Nowgiveittomestraight.Whenyourguysayshe’sgoingtoexpandsalaries,that’sgoingtobeonaweightedbasis,right?”
Ifrowned.“Whatdoyoumean,weighted?”
“Obviouslythepeopleatthetopoftheecosystemhavebeenworkingonthisissuethelongest,”Kaisaidsmoothly.“It’sonlyfairtheygetabiggercutofanynewmoney.”
DidKaimeanhimandSonny?“Um…”
“Let’smakeadeal,”Sonnysaid,reachinginhispocketandproducingabusinesscard.“Mycell’sontheback.You’reoneofus.Auniongal.Whydon’tyoukeepusintheloopaboutArthur’sthinking,huh?Canyoudothatforus?Wecanmakeitworthyourwhile.”
IcouldpracticallyfeeltheoildrippingfrommyhandasItookSonny’sbusinesscard.“I’llthinkaboutit.”
Thunderousapplausecamefromthecrowd.Onthemonitor,Logansmiledandwavedasheturnedandwalkedoffstage.
“Lookslikewe’reup,”Kaisaid,straighteninghisTEApolo.
Sonnypointedatme.“Thinkaboutit.”Thankfully,thesecurityteamdescendedtousherthemonstage.AstheypassedLogan,theyshookhandsquickly,clappingeachotherontheback,andthenLoganstrodetowardme,facelitup.
“DidyouhearthatshoutoutIgaveMurielattheend?”Hepracticallybouncedwithexcitement,lookingoverhisshoulderasifhecouldseeMurielfromhere.“Herwholefamilywentnuts.”
“IwasalittlebusytalkingtoSonnyandKai.”Whoeversaiddon’tmeetyourheroeswasright.
“What’swrong?You’vegotthatlookyougetwhensomething’seatingyou.”
“AreSonnyandKaiterrible?”Iburst
Loganfrownedatthemonitor,wherethetwoofthemtookturnsaddressingthecrowd.“Iwonderedifitwasjustme.SometimespeopleareslimywhentheythinkIcandosomethingforthem.”
“Theywereso…transactional.”ThatwasthekindestwayIcouldthinktoframethetwomenwhoweresupposedlyourbiggestallies.
Logannodded,browfurrowing.“MostunionleadersI’vemetaregreat.Reallyselfless.Thesetwo…let’skeepaneyeonthem.”
“Mr.Arthur!”someoneshouted.“Hey,Mr.Arthur,it’sCalebGruber,ABC24.Doyouhaveaminute?”
Weturnedtofindtheyoungreporterfromourfirstpressconference—theonewhodidn’tlookadayolderthansixteen—standingontheothersideofthebarricadesnexttoaTVcrew.Hewavedratherdesperately.Immediately,thesecurityguardshustledover.
“IjustwantaquickinterviewwithyouandAlexis!”shoutedCaleb.Hewashiddenbehindaguard’schest.“MybosssaidnottobothercomingbackunlessIgotyouforthefiveo’clock.”
Loganlookedatmeandsighed.“Wanttosaveareporter’sday?”
Ihithimontheshoulder.“OfcourseIdo.Where’sthatfamousempathyfortheworkingclass?”
“Eh.”Heshrugged.“Reportersdon’tcount.”Buthewasalreadywalkinguptotheguards.“Kyle,Steve,it’sokay.We’llgivehimfiveminutes.”ThesecurityguardsbackedoffandLogancrouchedunderthebarricade,thenlifteditsoallIhadtodowasduck.
“Thankyousomuch,”gushedCalebthebaby-facedreporter.Heturnedtohiscameracrew.“Readytorock?”
“Readytoroll,”confirmedthegiant,grizzledmanbehindthevideocamera.Istifledalaugh.Itmight’vebeenallthemiddlegradefictionIread,butI’dalwaysfoundmotleycrewsendearing.
“ShouldIputmyarmaroundyouforthecamera?”Loganwhispered.
“Probably.”
Hedrewmeagainsthisside,armcirclingmywaist.Islippedmyarmaroundhim,too,feelinghissolidness.Weinchedneareruntilwewereascloseashumanlypossible,touchingfromheadtofoot.Hishandfoundmineandwelacedourfingerstogether.There.Good.Itwasconvenienthowperfectlywefit.Asfriends,Iremindedmyself.Youneverknewwhenhavingafriendwhofityousocomfortablyyoucouldmeltagainsthimwouldcomeinhandy.Musicfestivals,definitely.Sportingevents.Longlinesatairports.
“I’mCalebGruber,”Calebsaidintothecamera,andright,wewererolling.“HereatthecapitolwithgubernatorialcandidateLoganArthurandhisgirlfriendandcampaignpartner,AlexisStone,who—”Calebwinked.“He’sholdingontoprettytightly.”
“Youhavetosoakuptheopportunitiesyou’regiven,”Logansaid.
“Speakingofthetwoofyou.”Caleb’svoiceturnedbrusque.“Logan,you’vereallyjumpedintotheissueofeducationreform.IsitfairtosaycreditgoestoAlexisforgettingyoutopayteacherssomeattention?”
Okay,fresh-facedCalebhadcometoplay.
Logangrinnedandhuggedmetighter.IsquashedtheurgetotellCalebthegrinmeantheshouldrun.“Sinceyoucoveredmybenefitforteachersayearago,Caleb,I’dsayyouprobablyknowthisissuehasbeenimportanttomeforsometime.”
Caleb’seyeswidened.Loganwinked.“Irememberyouwereenjoyingtheopenbarthatnight.AnddidIhearsomethingaboutyouandtheNBC17anchorsdoingkaraokeafter?Somethingaboutavideo?”
“Uh—”CalebdidnotlikeLogan’sreceipts.
“Withthatsaid—”Loganwavedahand“—allcreditdoesgotoAlexis.She’sthereasoneducationhasbecomesocentral.Infact…”Thistime,hedirectedhissmiledownatme.Ilookedupintimetocatchthemischievousglintinhiseyes.“Youcouldsayshe’stheentirereasonwe’reheretoday.”
Allright.Loganthoughthewasverysmart.Itwasobviousfromthedelightedlookonhisface.Buttwocouldplaythisgame.
“Logan’sbeingmodest,”Isaid,andCalebjerkedthemicrophoneinmydirection.Besideme,Logantensed.“He’sconstantlyexpandinghisplatformtoincludeimportantnewissues.”Ipulledbacktogrinupathim.Hisreturningsmilewasforced.“Infact,becauseofhislifelongcommitmenttoprotectinganimals,Loganjustagreedtoappearinacommercialtopromoteanewno-killanimalrescuecalledHappyHomes.Hetoldmehefeltitwasonlyrighttoputhisnameandfaceontheline.”
I’dfinallystumpedhim.Logan’sfacewassofrozenthatwhenthisclipwentonline,peoplewouldchecktheirbuffering.
“He’ssoexcitedhebarelyhasthewords,”ItoldCaleb,whoseeyesdartedbackandforthbetweenus.
Loganfinallyunpaused,givingthecameraoneofhispatentedgrimace-smiles.“I’malwayshappytosupportaworthycause.”Eachwordsoundedlikeitcosthim.
“Well,viewers,youhearditherefirst!”Asweirdaswewerebeing,Calebatleastseemedhappytogetascoopforthefiveo’clocknews.“LoganArthuraddsanimalrightstohislonglistofcauses.We’llwatchoutforwhat’ssuretobeastar-makingturninhisHappyHomescommercial.Backtoyouinthestudio,Roger!”
Thelightsinthecamerawentoffandthegrizzledcameramanspunaway.IcouldtellLoganwantedtohavesomechoicewordswithme,buthewashamperedbythefactthatCalebhadpounced,begginghimtorevealthelocationofthatkaraokevideo.
“Gottogo,”Icalled,andLogan’seyeswidened.“Caleb,thanksforthetime.Logan,seeyoulater!”
“No,Alexis—”LoganbitoffwhathewasgoingtosaywithaquickglanceatCaleb.Iwinked,spun,andstartedpushingmywaythroughthecrowd.Anteupped,Logan.
JustasIspottedMurielandherfamilyinthemadness,myphoneflashedwithanewtext.Itwasmymominallcaps,followedbyastringofheart-eyes.
LOGAN’SGOINGTOSTARINMYCOMMERCIAL?!!!22AskNotWhatYourBoyfriendCanDoforYou
“Flirtingwitheachothervialiveinterviewsisabrilliantidea,”Carysaid,tiltingbackinhisconferencechair.Hegavemeanappraisinglook.“Kudos,Rudy.Ilovethedrama.Reallyspicesupthelocalnews.”
“Weweren’tflirting,”Isaid,jigglingmyownconferencechair.Itseemedtobebroken.Icouldn’tgettheseattorise,soIwasstuckwithmychinonlyslightlyhigherthantheconferencetable,likeachildwheeledintositwiththeadults.IsuspectedCarywasbehindit.Itwasmakingithardfortheothermembersofthecampaigntotakemeseriously—Icouldseeitintheireyes.Luckily,Norahadgatheredasmallcrewthisevening:justme,Logan,Cary,andanervouswomanwho’dbeenintroducedasAnita’sresearchassistant,Gail.PoorGail,tohaveAnitaasaboss.Ikeptshootinghersympatheticlooks,despitethefactthatIwastheonewho’dbeencalledintogetmywristslappedforthrowingLoganunderthebusonliveTV.Withallmytransgressions,itwasstartingtofeellikeIwasarebelinsteadoftherule-abidingnerdI’dalwaysbeen.IwassurprisedtofindIlikedit.
“Evenifwewereflirting,”Logansaidfromtheheadofthetable,“that’sthepointofourarrangement,right?AlexisandIareputtingonashow.Nottobeconfusedwithrealflirting,evenif…”Heshookhisheadandclearedhisthroat.Hehadaninkstainonhisoxfordshirt,hisdarkhairwasfluffierandmessierthannormal,andhehaddarkcirclesunderhiseyes.Themanlookedfrazzled.Granted,wewereonlysixweeksoutfromelectionday,aperiodoftimeknownas“TheFinalCountdown,”aka“WelcometoHell,”aka“ThisCampaignOwnsYouNow,”accordingtothemessagesscrawledacrossthewhiteboard.Yes,hisstresshadtobeduetothat,andnotthefactthatI’dvolunteeredhimtostarinalast-minutecommercial.
ThoughLoganhaddirectedhisremarksatCaryandNora,hiseyesdriftedtome.Whenhecaughtmestudyinghim,hedroppedhisgazequicklyandclaspedhishandstogetheronthetable.Underthetable,Icouldhearhisfoottappingthefloor.
Yeah,onsecondthought,thesourceofhisstressmightbeme.
“Carymaycallitflirting,butIcallitplayingchickenwithmycampaign.”Norapointedalongnail,todayastylishgray,betweenmeandLogan.“Youbetterbegladthetwoofyouone-uppingeachotheronTVisalignedwithmyactionplan.Justtakeyourperformancesdownanotch,okay?”
Inoddedcontritely.Logancrossedhisarmsandkickedbackinhisseat.“Ofcourse,Noradear.Anythingyousay.”
“Don’t‘Noradear’meinyourlittleaccent.I’mnotsavingyoufromdoingthecommercial.Ithinkit’sbrilliant.”
Isnappedtoattention.“Youdo?”
Loganfrowned.“Youdo?”
“Watch.”Noragotupandsaunteredlikeafashionmodeltothewhiteboard.SheuncappedamarkerandwroteGrewuponafarm,lovesanimals.Thenshedrewaplussign,scribblingDonatesshitloadofpersonalmoneytorescues.
Huh.I’dassumedanydonationsLoganmadetorescueslikemymom’sweretiedtothecampaign.Butitsoundedlikehegavetosheltersquietly,notforthepublicity.
Norawasstillgoing,scribbling,Fifty-eightpercentofTexansownpets,thenaplussign,Starinanimalsheltervideo,thenabigfatequalsign,endingwithHuge-assopticswin.Shecircledthatlastparttwiceandspuntofaceus.“Doyoufollow?”
“Thanksforspellingitout,”Logansaiddryly.
“Greatthinking,Nora.”ItriedtoleanbackassuavelyasIcouldinmychild’schair.“IagreethatitmakessenseforLogantohelpoutHappyHomes.Andmymomisthrilled.Awin-win.”
Norasatdownatthetable.“Don’tgettoococky.Logan’snottheonlyonewithatask.Youhaveone,too.”
“Ido?”
Loganperkedup.
“Yep.”Noratappedhernailsonthetable.“It’stimeforyoutodeliverLeeStone.”
Iblinkedatthesuddenlyseriousfacesaroundthetable.“Uh…deadoralive?”
“Iswear.”Norashookherhead.“ThefactthatallofyougraduatedhighschoolsaysallweneedtoknowabouttheTexaseducationsystem.”
“Hey,”Carycomplained.“AllIsaidwasIlikedtheflirtingdrama.”
“Anendorsement,Alexis.WeneedyoursistertogiveLoganherendorsement.It’stime.Tellher,Gail.”
GaillookeddownatheriPad.“Allthestaterepsareliningupbehindcandidates.IfSenatorStonegivesherendorsementtoGovernorMane—orifsheabstainsfromendorsinganyone—it’llbeahugeblowtous.ProjectionsshowdropsinvotertrustifLogan’sgirlfriend’ssisterwon’tgivehimherblessing.”
“It’llbeaPRdisaster,”Norasaid.
“That’sgoingtobe…difficult,”Isaidcarefully.Allfourofthemfrownedatme.“LeehashistorywithGovernorManeandshe’snotexactlythebiggestfanofour…relationship.”
Logantensedoverthetable.“Shedoesn’tlikeme?”
“I’msorry,Logan,Ipromiseit’snothingpersonal.”
“ShouldIinviteherover?Doadinnerwithyourfamily?Isthereacauseshewantsmetopromote?”Hefrowned.“Doesshelikeflowers?”
“Whateveryouneedtodo,Alexis.”Nora’sfacewasthegravestI’dseenit.“IfyoucareaboutLoganandhischancesofwinning,Ineedyoutogetthatendorsement.”
IpulledupinfrontofLee’sadorablepeach-and-creamhouse,whichwasanauthenticCraftsmanlikeLogan’s.I’dalwayslovedthishouse.Itwasbeautifulandgirly,ahouseyoucouldshowoff,throwpartiesin—theoppositeofmyspinsterhole.I’dfledhereafterChrisandIbrokeupandLeehadnursedmebacktogoodspirits,thenI’dlivedherewithheruntilBenmovedin.Thehousewasadelightandarefuge.
Iwasterrifiedtoknockonthefrontdoor.
ButsinceIheldLogan’sfutureinmyhands,Ipoundeddutifully.Nooneanswered.Lee’sandBen’scarswereinthedriveway,soIknewtheywerehome.Iknockedagainandputmyeartothedoor.Iheardshuffling,quickfootsteps,andsuddenlythedoorwrenchedopenandLeestoodinfrontofme,herhairfallingoutofanupdoandlipsticksmudged,wearinganhonest-to-GodBellecostumefromBeautyandtheBeast.OverLee’sshoulder,ashirtlessBendartedoutofthelivingroomtowardthebedroom,wearingatealwigandanoutfitthatwasvaguelyfamiliar.“Hi,Lex!”hecalled,then,“Sorry!”
“LeeStone!”Igapedather.“Areyouwearingasexcostume?”
Sheleanedagainstthedoorframe.“Maybe.”
“Youcan’tjustansweryourdoorlikethis.AndBenallhalf-nakedandblueand…whyisBenblue,Lee?”
Shesmiledfondly.“Betyoucan’tguesswhatBenis.”
“Onsecondthought,Idon’twanttoknow.”
“He’s—”
“No.”Icoveredmyears.
“CaptainPlanet.”Thewordssnakedinanyway.
“Ugh,Lee!You’reastatesenator.”
“I’moffduty,”shesaid.“Besides,you’retheoneplayingroulette,showingupunannounced.”
Ibitbackmynextretort,remindingmyselfIwasheretobegforLee’shelp.Probablynotthebesttimetolectureheraboutherfondnessforroleplay.Itriedadifferenttack.“Thankyouforansweringeventhoughyou’rebusy.”
“You’remylittlesister.NomatterwhoorwhatI’mdoing,I’malwaysgoingtoanswer.Comein.Don’tmindthelivingroom.”
Ofcourse,Icouldn’thelpbutlook.Wasthatacandlestickonthecoffeetable,andladderproppedagainstthebookshelf?Whatdidyouevendowithaladderandacandlestick…No.Ishieldedmyeyes.
“Kitchen?”Leeasked.
“Definitelylet’sgotothekitchen.”
BythetimeI’dsettledatherkitchentableBenwasback,changedintogymshortsandaT-shirt.“Propergreetingthistime,”hesaid,leaningovertohugme.IlovedBenhugs.IlovedBeneverything,really.Ifheandmysisterhadn’tfiguredouttheywereperfectforeachother,Iwould’vefoundawaytomakehimmyhonorarybigbrother.
Hepulledback,grinning.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,Lex.Beenawhile.”
Itappedmycheek.“You’vegotalittle…blue.”
“Oh,sorry.”Benrubbedthespotfuriously.UnlikeLee,hehadthegoodgracetoflushwithembarrassment.
“Sowhat’sup?”Leestoodbehindherbreakfastcounter,bitingintoanapplefromherfruitbowl.“Goodforstamina,”sheexplained,whichIverymuchdidnotneedtoknow.
“Um,okay.Wheretostart.Well,first,thankyouformeetingmehere.”Nope,I’dcometothem.Ugh,thetwoofthemstandingtherescrutinizingmewasmakingmenervous.Ifeltasympathyfortheirpoliticalopponents.
“IneedyoutoendorseLogan,”Iblurted.Apparently,approachingthisstrategicallywasoutsidemywheelhouse.
“Oh,really?”Leecockedaneyebrow.
“Yes.Please,please,pleaseendorsehim.Thecampaignsaysifyoudon’t,hehasnoshotatvoterstrustinghim.Becausenowyou’remorethanjustanotherpolitician.You’rehisgirlfriend’ssister.Itcarriesweight.”
“Hisfakegirlfriend’ssister.”
“Well,obviouslynooneshouldknowthat.”
Benleanedbackagainstthecounterandcrossedhismusculararms.“I’vebeenfollowingyourTVappearances.You’reputtingonahellofaperformance,Lex.Reallysellingthecouplething.”
“Mmm-hmm,”Leeagreed.“It’salmosttooconvincing.ButIdohavetothankyouforgettingLogantodoMom’scommercial.Thethoughtofdoingitwasgivingmehives.She’dalreadyemailedmeafifty-six-pagescreenplay.Fifty-sixpages,Alexis.Apparently,shetookMartinScorsese’sMasterClassandshe’sconvincedthewholecommercialshouldbefilmedinonelongcontinuousshotlikethatscenefromGoodfellas.Havefunwiththat.”
“You’rewelcome,”Isaidsmoothly,thoughinsideIwasthinking,Oh,lord,whathaveIgottenLoganinto?“Seehowniceitcanbewhenwescratcheachother’sbacks?”WhowasI,agangsterfromGoodfellas?Ibackedupandtriedanotherapproach.“AnitaJones’sassistantsays—”
BothBenandLeecrackedup.“Oh,God,”Bensaid,turningtoLee.“RememberAnita?”
“IforgotshewentovertotheArthurcampaign.”Leeshookherhead.“Mane’sHRdepartmentmust’vethrownapartythedayshequit.Rememberthethingssheusedtosaytoyou?”
Bensmiledfondly.“Sheusedtotellmeshewasgivingmethefemale-in-a-male-dominated-fieldexperience.”
Leerolledhereyes.“Oh,yes,Anitaisperformingonelongactofcommunityserviceonbehalfofwomeneverywhere.Whatabraveactivist.”
“Anyway,”Isaid,“Anita’sassistantsaysit’llbeadeathblowifyoudon’tendorsehim.SoI’mheretobegyou.Please.”
LeeandBeneyedeachotherandsharedasmall,secretsmile.Oh,Ididnotlikethat.
“YouknowBenusedtoworkforGovernorMane,”Leesaid.“AndMane’stheonewhohelpeduspassthebillthatlaunchedmypoliticalcareer.Andheendorsedmeforstatesenator.”
“Iknow,”Isaid,swallowing.“Butyoualsosaidyoudidn’tlikethewayhetreatedyourbossDakotaaftertheiraffairleaked.Imean,Benquitoverit!AndLogan’spoliticsaresoinlinewithyours—”
“YoualsoknowI’mnotafanofthiselaboratefarceyoutwohavegoingon.Idon’tlikepeopleusingmysistertofurthertheircareers.”
“He’snotusingme.Ifanything,I’musinghimtofighttheeducationcuts.We’vebecomefriends—”
“You’llhavetooweme,”sheinterrupted.
“What?”
Sheleanedagainstthecounterandcrunchedontheapple.“IfIagreetobetrayManeandendorseLogan,you’llhavetoowemeonemassivefavorinreturn.AnythingIwant,wheneverIwantit.”
ThelastpersononearthyoueverwantedtomakeapromiselikethattowasLeeStone.Honestly,Iwould’vepreferredadealwiththedevil.TherewasasolidchancewhateverLeewouldaskmetodowouldbemilesoutsidemycomfortzoneandpossiblyillegal.
ButthenIthoughtofLogan.Hisbeautiful,tiredfaceontheothersideoftheconferencetable.Thewayhe’dchewedhispenandwrittenoutdebatenotesforhoursunderoursharedblanket.Howhiseyeslitwithlongingwheneverhetalkedtome.He’dbeenworkingtowardthisgoalhiswholelife.Yearafteryearoflaserfocus,puttingasideeverything—love,apersonallife,evenhisabilitytobehimselfinpublic—justforashot.
Thetendernessthatfloodedmeleftnootheroption.I’ddowhateverLeeasked.
“Okay,”Isaid,takingadeepbreath.“Youhaveadeal.”23Projecting
“Releasethekittens!”shoutedmymother.
TwoHappyHomesvolunteerspulledawaythesafetygatesandahordeofmewlingkittensrushedforwardintothegiantHappyHomesplayroom,whereLogansatinthemiddleofthefloor,wearingaHappyHomes–brandedpolothatwasdusted,liketherestofhim,withhigh-gradecatnip.AsIwatchedthewaveofcatsovertakehim—bouncingintohislapand
“WelcometoHappyHomes!”herecitednonetheless,spittingcathairoutofhismouth.Hisfacewasstretchedinagrinasthekittensusedhimasahumanclimbingwall.Hewasdoinghisbesttoconveyhewashavingthetimeofhislife,blesshisheart.
“Cut!”mymomyelled.Thankfully,betweenmeandtheprofessionalcameracrewshe’dhired,we’dconvincedheronelongcontinuousshotwasbothimpracticalandapainstakingcraftdetailnoonewhowatchedthecommercialwouldnoticeorcareabout.Thedownsidewas,mymotherhadinsistedwetryoutafewvariationsontheopening.ThisparticularoneinvolvedLogancoveredincats.
“Quickbreak.Logan,Ilovewhatyou’redoing,you’readivineleadingman.ButI’mnotgettingtherightenergyfromthecats.”Momnarrowedhereyes.“Alexis,willyoujumpinandplaywiththemalittle?Gettheminthemood.Wewanttherightkindofplayful—sweet,notrabid.”
“I’msorry.”Icrossedmyarms.“Areyouaskingmetobeakittenfluffer?”
“Justgetinthere.”ShewavedinLogan’sdirection.“Getthemtodeliver.”
“Ugh.Fine.”IleftmycomfortableperchandwalkedtoLogan.“Buthasanyonementionedyou’retakingthisalittletooseriously?”Momwasdressedinhead-to-toeblacklikesomesortofauteurfilmmaker.Iwashonestlysurprisedshewasn’tsportingaberet.Behindher,theteamofHappyHomesvolunteerswidenedtheireyesandshooktheirheadsatmeinsilentwarning.Touchysubject,apparently.
“There’snosuchthingastakingittooseriously,”Momsaidsweetly.LeelikedtosayshetookafterourdadandItookafterMom,butsometimesitcouldn’tbemoreobviousthatLeewasEliseStone’sdaughter.Theyweretwopeasinaverydemandingpod.
“Nofilmingme,”Iwarned.“I’mjustfluffing,thenI’mout.”Icreptthroughthekittens,thenkneltnexttoLogan.“Youdoingokay?”Ithadalreadybeenawhirlwindday.Aftermeetingmymom,thecrew,andthe“creativeteam”hereattheHoustonHappyHomesheadquartersattheunhealthyhourof7:00a.m.,Loganhadborneasolidhalfhourofmymom’seffusivethanks,andthenhe’dbeenusheredintoaclosed-doorstoryboardingmeetingIwasn’tallowedtoattend.He’dwalkedintothemeetingwearingasuitandadeterminedexpression.He’dwalkedoutwearingaHappyHomespolo,lookingdazed.
“OfcourseI’mdoingokay,”Logangrowled,clutchingawrigglingcat.“I’mcoveredinkittens.Thisisthebestfuckingdayofmylife.”
“Language!”chirpedmymother,andLogancalledback,“Sorry,Elise!”
Ifrowned.“Thenwhydoyoulooksoangry?”
“Becausethiscameraisgoingtocapturemeeatingmyheartoutwiththeseadorablefuckingmonsters—sorry,Elise—andthewholestateisgoingtoseemebeingsoft.Mane’sgoingtoseizeonmyweaknesslikeasharksmellingbloodinthewater.Iknowbecauseit’swhatIwoulddo.”
“Thiscommercialismeanttoshowyoursofterside.”Ilunged,removingakittenwhowasabouttospringintoLogan’sface.“Itcouldwinovernewvoters.”
Logan’seyebrowsdrewtogether.“Ifyousayso.”Heeyedme.“Willyougetdownherealready?”
Icrouchedslowly,checkingIwasn’tgoingtosquashanycats.AssoonasIwasonthefloor,Iwasbombardedbywetnosesandtinyclaws.Iscoopedamidnight-blackkittenwhowasclimbingalittletoodeepintomylap.“Gettingfresh,CountDracula.”Aroundus,theroombuzzedwithHappyHomesstaffandthecameracrew,butnoonefromthecampaign.“Whydidn’tyoubringanyonewithyou?DidCaryandNoranotwanttomakethedrive?”ItwasonlytwohoursfromAustintoHouston.
Loganshrugged,danglingastring.Atinycalicogaveiteverythingshehad,launchingherbodyallofthreeinchesintheairandstillmissing.“Ididn’twanttomeetyourmomasacandidate.Youknow,withsecurityandentourage.Iwantedtomeetherasmyself.Besides,they’reallfreakingoutaboutthefirstdebate.T-minustwodaysnow.”
“Well,Ithinkmymomlikesyou,forwhateverthat’sworth.”
Hiseyeslitup.“Really?”
“Oh,sure.AlmostasmuchasBen,Ibet.”
“Almost?Hey,yourmomthinkswe’reactuallydating.”Hewatchedtheleapingcalicoandfrowned.“Almostasmuch.”
“Welcometomylife.Second-placetrophiesasfarastheeyecansee.”Ileanedoverandtriedfluffingafewkittenssotheirfurstoodtaller.Ihonestlyhadnoideawhatmymomexpected.WhenIlookedup,Loganwasstudyingme.“What?”
“Nothing,”hesaid,thoughthewayhewaslookingatmesuggestedotherwise.“Willyoulookatthisguy?”Hepointedtogray-and-whiteMischief,whochosethatmomenttospringupandbitethecollarofLogan’spolo,hangingonfordearlife.Loganturnedtomewithanamazedexpression.“He’stryingtoeatme.”
“Mischieftriestoeateverything.Inyourcase,Ithinkit’sbecauseyouletmymomrubyoudownwithcatnip.Whichwasridiculous,bytheway.Youcould’vesaidno.”
“ToElise?Ha.”LoganscoopedupMischiefandcradledhim.“Seriously,lookatthisface.AssoonasI’mdonecampaigning,I’madoptingasmanyanimalsasIcanfitinmyhouse.”
“Yourpost-electiondreamistobecomeananimalhoarder?”
Hesmiledwistfully.“Ihavealotofpost-electiondreams.”
“Well,youmightnotwanttomentionthatonetoNora.Youcanfitalotofcatsinthegovernor’smansion.”IlookedatMischief,whowasnowcurledintoaballinLogan’shands.“I’vewantedacatforalongtime.”
“Iknowmyexcuse.Zerotime.Whyareyouwaiting?”
Normally,ItoldmymomIdidn’thaveenoughspaceinmyapartmentoramillionotherpracticalexcuses.ButwithLogan,thetruthcameout.“IguessI’mscaredtobethemostimportantpersoninsomething’slife.I’mscaredtohaveitallcomedowntome.WhatifI’mnotgoodenough?Whatiftherearebetteroptionsforparents?”
Loganwasopeninghismouthtorespondwhentwokittenslaunchedwhatcouldonlyhavebeenacoordinatedattack.TheybothsailedpastMischieftolandonLogan’shead,wheretheyclungtohishairlikemountainrappelers.“Oh,shit,”Loganyelped,then,“sorry,Elise!”HejerkedbackwardandMischiefleapedaway.
“Alexis!”mymothercalled,butIwasalreadyonit.
“Holdstill,letmehelp.”IcrawledintotheemptyspacebetweenLogan’slonglegsandreachedforhishead—thenslippedonthelinoleum.Ifellhardagainsthischest,knockinghimbackwardonthefloorandcollapsingontopofhim.Logan’sentirebodywentrigid.
Oops.Carefully,Iextractedthecats,thenstudiedhim.Notinyclawmarksonhisface.Helookednormal,exceptforthefactthathewasstaringatme.
“Hi.”Hissoftvoicedidn’tmatchtheintensityofhiseyes.“DidIcrushanycats?”
“Ifyoudid,theydeservedit.”
Wegrinnedateachother.Hisbodywaswarmandsolidbeneathmine,thefirmnessofhismuscleseasytofeelunderhisthinpolo.Allthosehoursplayingsoccerwereevidentinthehardplanesofhisbody.I’dcollapsedbetweenhisthighs,whereIfitsnugly,andourfaceswerecloseenoughthatifhetiltedhishead,he’dbrushmylips.
“Goodidea,”mymomcalled.“We’llgetB-roll.”
“Oh,shoot,mymom.”I’dhonestlyforgottenabouther.Istartedtojerkup
“No,staythere,”mymominsisted.“FortheB-roll.You’rehearingmesayB-roll,right,honey?LikeScorsese.”
Loganshrugged,asmall,pleasedsmilecurvinghismouth.“Director’sorders.You’regoingtohavetostay.”Heloweredhisvoice.“Don’tforget—shethinkswe’redating.”
“Right.”Icouldn’tleapawayfromLoganinembarrassment.IhadtoactlikeIwashisgirlfriend,usedtotouchinghim.Whatwouldthatlooklike?
Istartedbyrelaxingmyshoulders.Inresponse,heputanarmaroundme,drawingmeeventighteragainsthischest.Thesensationofmybodyrubbingagainsthis—againsthissoftpolo,thestarchydenimpulledtightoverhisthighs—mademelookawaysohecouldn’tcatchmyexpression.ThisiswhatitwouldfeelliketolieinbedwithhimonSundaymornings,stretchoutonthecouchwatchingmovies.Tobehisrealgirlfriend.Logan—strong,tall,chiseled-jawed,andgrufflybeautiful—wouldholdmejustlikethis,lookdownatmejustlikethis.Smilejustlikethis.Thesenseofcertaintywassovividitfeltlikegettingaglimpseintoanalternateuniverse.
Imethiseyescautiously,hopinghecouldn’treadwhatIwasthinking.
Hestrokedmyhairawayfrommyface,lightlyskimmingmytemple.“HaveItoldyouIlikethatyou’reananimalperson?”
Ismiled.“Ilikethatyou’retall.Makesyouanexcellentfloorcushion.”
Hisgringrewwider.“Youknow,whenyoureallysmile,youdoitwithyourwholeface.Icanseeyoursmileinyoureyes.It’sthebestthing.”
ThesametenderfeelingthatmademeagreetoLee’sdealwashedbacknow,somehowwarmer.
“Greatshots,”mymomyelled.“Nowlet’sgetgoingonanewscene.”
Thesoundofhervoicehadmescramblinguplikeateenagercaughtwithmybedroomdoorclosed.
“Easy,”Loganwarned,handscoveringhiscrotch.
AsItriedtorollbothsafelyandelegantlyaway,Ispottedsomethinginthecorneroftheroomunderthecattree.Itwasafull-growncat,atabby.Ipickedmyselfupandedgednearer.Itwasobviousthecathadbeenthroughanordeal.Itsfurwasragged,missinginplaces,andthetipofoneearwasgone.Itwascurledupunderthecattree,quietlywatchingthekittenswithlarge,wistfulgreeneyesthatflickedbackandforthasthekittensplayed.
“Mom,”Icalled.“Who’sthis?”
Shelookedupfromwhereshe’dbeenpointingatsomethinginthecameraman’snotebook.“Oh—that’sPatches.She’souroldestcat.Beenwithusforclosetoayear,Ithink.Wetookherfromashelterthatwasgoingtoputherdown.”
IwalkedslowlytoPatchessoIdidn’tscareherandcroucheddown,stickingoutmyhand.Shesniffeditexperimentally.
“Idon’tunderstandwhynoonewantsher,”Momsaid.“She’salittlerough-looking,sure—wethinkshegotattackedbyanotheranimal.Butshe’sthesweetestgirl.Ihatethatshe’sspendingsomuchofherlifeintheshelter.”
NowthatIwascloseup,IcouldseethatthespotswherePatches’furwasmissinglookedscarred,likeshe’dbeenbittenandthefurrefusedtogrowback.Tomysurprise,sheleanedintomytouchandrubbedherfaceagainstmyfingers.Iscratchedherheadandearsandheardthesoundoftheworld’stiniest,quietestmotor.Shewaspurring.
“Weletherhangoutwiththekittensbecauseshegetslonely,”Momsaid.“She’sperfectlyhappytositandwatch.”
IstrokedPatches’face.She’dbeenoverlooked.Thatwasn’tfair.Patcheshadlovetogive.Shedeservedbetter.
“I’lltakeher,”Isaid.
Thesoundsofthecameracrewmovingbehindmestopped.“Whatwasthat,Lex?”
Iturnedaround.Everyonewaswatchingme.Itookadeepbreathandsaid,inaloudervoice,“IwantPatches.I’lltakeherhome.”
Mymomalmostdroppedherclapboard.“Really?Oh,Alexis,that’sfabulous!Twoofmyfavoritegirls,comingtogether!”Sheturnedtothecameraman.“Pleasetellmeyougotthat.”
Theintensityofherenthusiasmmademyfaceheat.AsdidthelookonLogan’sfaceashewalkedoverandscoopedPatchesup.
“Hey,Patches,”hecrooned,lettinghersettleintothecrookofhisarm.“YoucomingbackwithustoAustin?Goingtohelpmecampaign?”Hegavemeaknowinglook.“Icantellshe’saDemocrat.”
Patcheswaslookingathimandpurring,soitwassafetosayshewasatleastaLoganArthurfan.AndIwasstartingtoseewhyLoganhadbeenreluctanttogooncamera.Itturnedoutl’enfantterribleofTexaspolitics,themanwhosentpaparazzirunning,thepoliticianwiththemostf-bombsonrecord,gotreally,reallysoftaroundsmall,four-leggedcreatures.IscratchedbehindPatches’ears,brushingLogan’sforearmwithmyown.“I’llallowyoutorecruitherifyouagreeCarystilldoesthecoffeeruns.Hehatesittoomuchtotakeitawayfromhim.”
“Deal,”Logansaid.Then,justaslightly,“Bigdecisionyoujustmade.Feelinggoodaboutit?Noneofthoseworriescreepingin?”
Itwasabigdecision.TakingPatcheshomemeantmywholelifewouldchange.Itookadeepbreath.“No,I’mterrified.Butlookather.EvenifI’mnotthebest,fanciestcatmom,Icanatleastmakesureshe’snotalone.Alwayscominginlastwhiletheothercatsgetalltheattention.Iknowwhatyou’rethinking,”Iaddedquickly,watchingLogan’smouthquirk.“Andbeforeyousayit,Iamnotprojecting.”
“Smileforthecamera,”Momcalled,andweturnedtofindoneofherHappyHomesstafferssnappingpicturesofusonherphone.“Thisone’sfortheadoptionwall.”Mymother’seyesshoneasshelookedbetweenmeandLogan.“Lookatthethreeofyou.Whatanadorablefamily.”
Tomysurprise,Loganwrappedhisarmaroundmeandtuggedmecloser.
“Sosweet,”Momsighed.“Logan,hatsoff.I’vebeentryingtogetAlexistoadoptforyearsandthefirsttimeyou’rehere,she’ssold.”Shetappedherchin.“Thisbodeswellforourcommercial.Speakingof!”Shewhippedaroundtothecameracrew.“Nextsceneisinthedogwing,andafterthatthereptiles.”Shespunonherheels.“Locationchange!”Asshestrodeoutoftheroom,everyonescrambledtobreakdownequipmentandfollow.
Logan’sfacehadturnedpaleatthementionofreptiles.Ielbowedhim.“IthinkmymommightlikeyouasmuchasBennow.”
Thatraisedhisspirits.HekissedPatches’headandthrustheratme,thenstartedjoggingbackward,carefultoavoidthekittens.“Watchthis.I’mabouttoclimbintothelead.Oi,Elise!”hecalled,cuppinghishandsaroundhismouth.“WherewereweonScorsese?IthinkwegotuptohourtwoofthatMasterClass.I’mdyingtohearabouthourthree.”Hewinkedatme,holdingupafingerfornumberone,thenhurriedoutoftheroom.
“He’sverycompetitive,”IwhisperedtoPatches.Shemadeahalfexasperated,halfamusedsound,whichweremythoughtsexactly.24TheFavor
WhenIgothomefromworkonMonday,Ifoundmyapartmentdoorunlocked.Immediately,myheartjumpedintomythroat.Itookoutmyphoneanddialednine,thentwistedthedoorandcreptinside,calling,“Hello?Anyoneinhere?”Bracingmyself,Iturnedthecornertothelivingroomandshrieked.
“Hello,Alexis,”saidLee,fromherperchonmycouch.ShesattherewithPatchesinherlap.“Welcomehome.”
“Jesus,Lee!”Ipressedahandtomychest.“Howdidyougetin?”
Sheshrugged.“Iusedmykey.”
“Thatkeyisforemergencies.Youscaredthedaylightsoutofme.”
Shenoddedatthelivingroom.“I’mprettysureyou’dheararobbercomingfromamileaway.Yourplaceisbooby-trappedbetterthanMacaulayCulkin’sinHomeAlone.”
Iwinced.Myapartmentwasslightlychaotic.Strewnaroundthelivingroomwaseverykindofcattoy—string,ball,feather,light-up—pluscatbrushes,acattree,scratchpads,andcatnip.
“What’dyoudo,”Leeasked,“buytheentirecataisleatPetSmart?”
Isankontothecouch.“Ihopeso.HowelseamIsupposedtoknowwhatPatcheslikes?”Iwasdeterminedtobeagoodcatmom,evenifIhadtosellmysoultoPetSmarttodoit.
Leeraisedhereyebrows.“Youknowcatsarefineplayingwithacardboardbox,right?”SheleanedoverandhuggedPatchestighter.“Thoughthislittleangeldoesdeservetheworld.”LeecradledPatchesonherbacklikeaninfant,rockingherbackandforth.
“Isthathowyou’resupposedtoholdcats?”Ipracticed,makingmyarmsintoabassinet.
“Oh,oops.”Leehaltedherrocking.“I’vebeenholdingtoomanybabieslately.You’dbeshockedathowpeoplejusthandtheirbabiesovertopoliticians.LikewhatamIgoingtodo,blessit?I’mnotthePope.Anyway,gladyoubitthebulletandgotPatches.How’smotherhood?”
IwastryingnottobejealousofhowblissfulPatcheslookedinLee’sarms.PatcheshadbeengluedtomysidesinceIbroughtherhome,butifshewaswillingtocozyuptostrangersatthefirstinvitation,Iguessthatwasfine.“Goingwell.We’regettingtoknoweachother.”Ithrewupahand.“Wait,stopdoingyourLee-distracting-thing.WhydidIfindyousittinginmylivingroomlikeamovievillain?”
Hereyesdartedaway,whichwassuspicious.“Youknow,IgotquiteanearfulfromMomaboutwhatafoul-mouthed,softheartedsweetheartLoganis.Yourealizeyou’regoingtobreakherheartwhenthetwoofyoufakebreakup,right?”
Igulped.“It’sagoodthingshe’sgottenusedtomyheartbreaks.Parforthecourse.”Iflungmyhandatmylivingroom.“Andlook,nowIhaveacat.Thelastmissingingredientforpeakspinsterhood.Iacceptmyfate.Momwill,too.”
“Sonothing’schangedontheLoganfront?Youtwoarejustbusinesspartnerswhowillgoyourseparatewaysoncethevotersareproperlyhoodwinked?Noromanticfeelings?”
Istraightened,holdingmyheadhigh.“Foryourinformation,I’vefinallybrokenmytoxicpattern.LoganandIarejustfriends,andI’mgoodwiththat.Nopining.Notryingtomakeusintoanythingwe’renot.”
“Excellent.”LeeclappedherhandssosuddenlyPatchesstartledandleapedaway.“Thenyou’rereadytohearmyfavor.”
“You’recallingitinalready?”I’dexpectedLeetoholdontoherleverageforawhile,iffornootherreasonthantotortureme.
“Iam.InexchangeforendorsingLogan,IwantyoutogoonadatewithWillLaderman.”
Ihadtobehearingthings.“AsinBen’sbrother?”
“Exactly.”Leebrightened,givingmeaveryVanna-White-presenting-a-car-smile.“Asyouknow,WillmovedbacktoAustintodohisresidencyatDellMedicalCenter.He’sasurgeon,Alexis.Ahandsome,funny,nicesurgeon,andBenandIthinkthetwoofyouwouldreallyhititoff.I’dactuallydescribeBenasdownrightgiddyaboutit.”
Ishookmyhead.I’dmetWillafewtimes,buthealwaysseemedtowitnessmewhenIwasatmylowest.Forexample:he’dbeenatLee’shousewhenChrisTuttleandIbrokeupforthefinaltime.WillhadheardChriscallmeatimidmousewhowasbadinbed.“WhatmakesyousosureWillevenwantstogooutwithme?”Thatlastscenehadn’texactlybeenaringingendorsementofmyskillsinthegirlfrienddepartment.
“Hesaidyesimmediately,”Leesaid.“Betweenyouandme,IthinkWill’shadacrushonyouforawhile.”
Hehad?Iletthisstrange—andstrangelyflattering—newssinkin.
“Andthethingis,”sheadded,“Will’slonely.It’shardforhimtomeetpeoplesinceheworkssuchlonghoursatthehospital.Theheadofhiscardiologydepartmentinvitedhimtohisweddingintwoweeksandhereallyneedsadate.BenandIfigured,Will’slonely,you’relonely—”
“I’mnotlonely,”Isaidquickly.TheideaofLeethinkingthatwasmortifying.Besides,evenifthathadbeentrueamonthago,eversinceI’dmetLoganattheFleurdeLis,mylifehadbeenawhirlwindofpeopleandprojectsand—cometothinkofit,Ihadn’tfeltaloneonce.“Besides,I’mnotallowedtodateanyonewhileI’mfakedatingLogan.That’srulenumberone.ItwouldbeaPRnightmareifIgotcaught.”
“WillknowsaboutyourdealwithLogan—”
“Youtoldhim?”
“Hesayshe’snotbotheredbyit!He’llcookyoudinnerathisplace,wherenoonewillseeyou.Completelyprivate.Youcantestthewaters.Ifyoulikeeachother,maybeyoucanbehisdatetothewedding.Hemakesameanchickencacciatore,accordingtoBen.”
“Ireallycan’t.It’stoorisky.”
Shenarrowedhereyesandleanedback,foldingherarmsoverherchest.ShewaswearingthesamelookonherfaceMomhadwhenwe’dpushedintohoursixteenoffilming.Dangerouslystubborn.“Ifyouwantthisendorsement,allittakesisonedate.Maybetwo,ifyou’rewillingtogotothewedding.Don’tworryaboutbeingexposedthere—Willsaysmostofthesurgeonsaretoobusytotrackpolitics.It’sareallybigdealforhim,Lex.Allofhiscolleaguesarebringingdates.”
Ihatedtheideaoflettingsomeonedown.AndLeewasjusttalkingaboutonedate,maybetwo.Privateevents,withapersonwhowasguaranteed,sincehesharedsomuchofBen’sDNA,tobeaprettygoodegg.IrecalledNora’swarning:Whateverittakestogetthatendorsement.
“Fine,”Isnapped.“I’lltestthewaterswithWill.Butthisisthelasttimeyoumatchmakeforme.Promise.You’reareal-lifeEmmaWoodhouse,andthat’snotacompliment.”
Leesprangoffthecouch.“Easypromise.BecauseyouandWillaregoingtofallinloveandI’llneverneedtomatchmakeagain.”Hervoiceturnedsofterasshewalkedoverandputahandonmyshoulder.“Inallseriousness,Lex.Youdeservemorethanafakerelationship.Youdeservesomeonewhoworshipsyou.”
IrememberedthewayLoganhadlookedatmewhenweweresprawledoutonthefloorofHappyHomes—thewayhiseyeshadshonewhenhetoldmeIsmiledwithmywholeface.“Idowantthat,”Isaidsoftly.MaybeIwouldn’thavebelievedIwasworthitafewmonthsago,butnowthatI’dhadatasteofwhatitcouldfeellike—evenifitwasonlyforshow—Iwantedit.Findingtruthinfiction,likeLogansaid.
Shesqueezedmyshoulderandheadedforthedoor.“Thenyou’regoingtoloveWill.Oh,andhey.”Leeturnedback.“TellLogantobreakalegatthedebatetomorrow.Idon’tusuallygetnervous,butifIwerehim,goingupagainstMane,I’dbequakinginmyboots.”25TheFirstDebate
IfthegeneralseatingareaoftheLadyBirdJohnsonAuditoriumwaschaotic—ushersdirectingaudiencemembers,staffersrunningtofilllast-minuterequests,crewsadjustingcamerasonfifteen-footmounts,topbrassfromtheDNCandRNCsettlingintooppositesidesoftheauditorium—backstagemanagedtobebusier.Itwastightquartersbackhere,andproductionassistantsrushedeverywhereonholymissionswithzeroconcernforboundaries,whichiswhyI’dalmostbeenmowedoverthreeseparatetimes.What’smore,asolidhalfofthepeoplebackstageseemedtobelongtothegovernor.Ihadn’trealizedhowbighisteamwasuntilIwasstandinginthehallwayoutsideLogan’sdressingroomandGroverManehimselfstrodeby,followedbyaseaofstaff.
Manegavemethesameimpressionhealwaysdid:hewasanenormousman,undoubtedlyaformerlinebacker,awell-coiffedbearstuffedintoanexpensivesuit.Hedidn’tgivemethetimeofday,buthisstaffeyedmeandwhisperedastheypassed.Ifanyoneontheinternetwasspreadingrumorsaboutme,IfeltcertainIwaslookingatthem.Whentheparadefinallypassed,allIcouldthinkwas:Holyhell.Loganwasn’tjustchallengingsomeimageonaposterorafloatingheadonTV.Hewasbattlingamanwhowasessentiallyaninstitution,withanarmyathisbeckandcall.LoganversusManesuddenlyfeltlikeDavidversusGoliath.
ThesewerethoughtsIkepttomyselfasIhelpedLoganprepinhisdressingroom.“Mr.Arthur,”Isaid,usingmybestno-nonsensereportervoice.“Whatwouldyousaytovotersworriedaboutthecostoftheirprescriptiondrugs?”
Hepacedinfrontofme.“Iwouldsay,firstandforemost,thatIhearyou.Whatgoodisaninnovativepharmaceuticalindustryifpeoplecan’tafforddrugsthataresupposedtosavetheirlives?Ifelected,Iwouldenactmyten-pointhealthcareplan,thecenterofwhichisgettingMedicaidexpandedinthestate,goingtobattlewithpharmacompaniesblockingsalesofcheapergenerics,andincreasinghealthcaresupportfortheelderly,whoareourmostneeds-intensivecitizens.”
“Rebuttal:Manesaysyourplancoststoomuchandisunrealistic.”
Loganhitthewallwithhispalmandspunback.“Iwouldtellhimtoshovehisheaduphisassforvaluingcorporationsoverpeople’slives.”
“Nowwhatyou’llreallysay.”
Hegrimaced.“Iwouldagreewiththegovernorthatkeepingabalancedbudgetisimportant,whichiswhymyplanhasbeenvettedbyateamofeconomistswho’vefoundwaystocutdownoninsurancecompanyprofiteeringtoaccountforanyincreasedcosts.”
“Great,”Isaid,flippingtothenextpostcard.“Nextup—”
ThedoortothedressingroomburstopenandNorastrodein,wearingaheadset.Shewaslookingslickinaroyalbluesheathdressandmoviestarredlips.“Logan,you’reupintwo.”
Butterflieswhirledinmystomach.Eventhoughitwasn’tmeinthehotseat,justbeingclosetosomeoneunderthismuchpressurewasenoughtocrackme.ButLogannoddedsmoothly.“Allright.Ithinkwe’vepreppedallwecan.”
Cary,Anita,Gail,andathrongofotherstafferscrowdedthedoorway.
“Remember,”Norasaid,“bestrongbutnotcombative.Nocursing.Thevoterisalwaysright.AndwhatareMane’sweaknesses?”
“Economy.Poorfollow-through.Disingenuous.”
“Exactly.Hit’emall.”
“Excellentsuitchoice,”Carysaid.“Youlooklikeyoumeanbusiness,likeMattBomerinWhiteCollar.”Loganwasinaformalmidnightbluesuittonight.Itwasallaboutdownplayinghisyouth,makinghimseemasqualifiedandcapableasMane.Hishairwascarefullybrushedback—nosoftcurlsthisevening—andhisbeardwaspreciselytrimmed,adarkerversionofafive-o’clockshadow.Helookedrazor-sharp.
“He’sready,”Norasaid.“Team,clearout.Alexis.”
Isnappedtoattention,hoppingoutofmychair.
“Fixhispin,straightenhistie,thensendhimout.”
Inoddedastherestofthecampaignfilteredout,honoredtohaveajob.
“Notcombative,notcombative,”Loganmurmured.Hiseyeswerefixedonthemiddledistance.Mentally,hewasalreadyonthedebatestage.
Irightedhisflagpin.“You’vegotthis.You’reamilliontimesthepoliticianManeis.”
Herockedonhisheelsandshookhisarmsout,tiltinghisheadfromlefttorightlikeaboxerpreppingforamatch.“I’vegotthis.”
Istraightenedhistieandbrushedhisarmsfreeofwrinkles.“You’regoingtogetoutthereandcrushit.”
Henodded,stillrocking.“Goingtocrushit.”
“Good.Nowgo.Goodluck.”
“Thankyou,”hesaidquickly,thentwistedhiswatchintoplace,cuppedmyface,andkissedme.Hiswarmlipspressedtomineforthebriefestmoment,thenhespunforthedoor.
Andfroze.
Istoodshell-shockedagainstthehightable.
Slowly,Loganturned,faceaswhiteasaghost’s,eyeswideassaucers.“Fuck.I’msosorry.Itwasareflex.”
Westaredateachotherforalongmoment.Myheartpounded.“It’sokay.Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Logan,getouthere!”Nora’sheadpoppedin.“Now!”
“Right,”hesaiddazedly,andwalkedoutthedoor,eyesstillunblinking.Immediately,hisstafferscaughthimbytheshouldersandmarchedhimtowardthestage.
Iwatchedthebackofhisheaduntilhedisappeared,myfingerstracingmylips.Mistakeornot,Ineededaminutetorememberhowtobreathe.
TheentirerowofLogan’sstafferswincedasGovernorManecutinyetagain,interruptingLogan’scarefullywordedpointaboutimmigration.Wewereseatedclosetothestageinthelarge,moodilylitauditorium,butitwasstilleasiertolookupatthegiantTVmonitorshangingoneithersideofthecurtains,whichshowedLogan’sfacecloseup.Inhigh-definition,hefrownedandgrippedthesidesofhispodiumuntilhisknuckleswentwhite.Thegovernordronedon,buthedidn’tjumpin.Didn’tberatehim,callManeaphonyorindulgeinasingleoneofwhatIknewwerehisnaturalinstincts.Manefinishedmakinghispointandthecrowdburstintoapplause,loudestfromtheRNCcampinthecorner.
Thirtyminutesin,andthedebatewasnotgoingwell.
“Whyishebeingsoweak?”Caryhissed.I’dendedupsandwichedbetweenhimandNora,whichatleastmeantthateverytimeIrecoiledorcringedwatchingthegovernortrampleLogan,they’dbeenrighttherewithme.Sharedsuffering.
“Idon’tknow.”Norashookherhead,eyessearchingLogan’simageonthescreen.“Heknowsthisstuffcold,andManeisn’tsayinganythingunexpected.ButLogan’spullingallhispunches.”
“Ithinkhe’sovercorrecting,”Isaidquietly,andbothCaryandNoraturned.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Noraasked.
“Ithinkhe’ssoworriedaboutcomingacrossascombativethathe’scheckinghimselftoomuch.”
“Maybe,”shemurmured,andwealllookedbackatthestage.OneofthemoderatorswasaskingLoganthenextquestion.
“Mr.Arthur,risinghealthcarecostsareoneofTexans’greatestsourcesofanxiety,accordingtoanewTexasTribunepoll.Whatwouldyousaytothoseworriedaboutthecostsoftheirprescriptiondrugs?”
“Heknowsthisone,”Iwhisperedexcitedly.“Wepracticed.”
Norashotmeahopefullook—and,tomysurprise,grabbedmyhand.WegrippedeachotherwhilewewaitedforLogantoanswer.
“Iwouldsay,firstandforemost,thatIhearthem.”Logan’svoicewasstrongandsure.“It’sunacceptableformedicinetobepricedsoastronomicallythattheverypeopleit’smeanttohelpcan’taffordit.Nooneshouldhavetochoosebetweentheirrentandtheircancertreatment.”
Norasqueezedmyhand.
“That’swhyoneofthefirstthingsI’lldoifelected…”Logan’sgazecastoutintotheaudience.Astrangelookcameoverhisface,asifhe’djustgonesomewhereelse.Helookeddownathispodium.Acollectivepallfelloverourrow.Infrontofus,theDNCguysstartedwhisperingfuriously.
“Whatishappeningrightnow?”Cary’sfacewashorrified
“Whereareyou,Logan?”Norawhispered.“Getyourheadbackinthegame.”
“Is…”Logan’sattentionreturnedtothemoderator.“Enactmyten-pointhealthcarereformplan,whichwillexpandMedicaid…”LoganwrappeduphisanswersuccinctlyandthequestionwastossedovertoMane,wholeapedinimmediatelyandstartedhammeringouthisplans.Itwashardnottocomparetheirenergy.
“He’sdistracted,”Norasaid.Shehadanahalightinhereyes.“Something’sthrowinghim.”
Ifelttheghostlypressureofhislipsonmine.Thenthelookofhorroronhisfacethatfollowed.Guiltstabbedthroughme.
“Loganisneverdistracted,”Carywhispered.“Notwhenhe’sarguing,notwhenhe’stalkingtovoters,hell,notevenplayingsoccer.Whateverthisis,ithastobebig.”
IrememberedwhatLogantoldmeabouthisbreakupwithTinsley,howithadbeensobadhe’dallbutcheckedoutthelastweek.Relationshipsgotinhishead,whichiswhyhe’dstoppeddatinginthefirstplace.Somehow,ourfakerelationshipwashavingthesameeffect.
“Didhetellyouanythinginthedressingroom?”Noraaskedme,snappingmeoutofmythoughts.“Doyouhaveanycluewhat’sdistractinghim?”
WithNora’sandCary’seyesonme,Idippedinmyseat.“No.”Mycheeksflamed.“NothingIcanthinkof.”
IpeekedupatLogan’sfaceon-screen.HismouthwassetinafrustratedlineasthemoderatoraskedGovernorManethenextquestion,buthiseyes…onceagain,theycastoutintotheaudience,asifhecouldn’thelpsearchingforsomeone.Whatifhewaslookingforme,drivenbythecompulsiontomakesureIknewthekisswasamistake?
Theguiltsankmelowerinmyseat.26AReal-LifePrinceCharming
Ilookedattheglowingheadlineonmyphone,thisonefromTheWatcherontheHill:“WhereDidLoganArthurGo?”Underneath,thesubheadread:“ArthurturnedinamystifyinglymeekperformanceagainstManeinlastnight’sdebate.HasthefamouslyfeistyDemocratfinallybeenneutered?”Isighedandclickedthephonedark.
Thenewscoverageofthedebate,whilenotascolorfulasDanielWatcher’scommentary,hadallbeeninthesamevein.WhichwasyetanotherreasonIwashere.NotonlydidLoganneedLee’sendorsementmorethanever,heandIneededspace.WhensecurityrushedhimpastmeintoNigel’swaitingcarafterthedebate,hehadn’tevenglancedmyway,butIdidn’tblamehim.Itookadeepbreath,straightenedmyspine,andknockedonthefrontdoorofWillLaderman’stownhouse.
Afteramoment,thedoorswungopentorevealWill.Ithadbeenawhile,soseeinghimstandingthereframedinthedoorwaywasalittlelikeseeinghimforthefirsttime.YoucouldtellheandBenwerebrothers.Theywerebothtallwithcoalblackhair,blueeyes,andthesamedefinedjawlines.ButwhileLeelikedtosayBenlookedlikeClarkKent,WillwaslikeifClarkKenthadaleaner,longer-hairedcousinwhoworkedinIT.ClarkKentmeetsTimothéeChalamet.Hewassohandsomemyheartgaveanunexpectedlurch.
Willgrinnedatme.HeworeanavyOxfordwiththesleevesrolledupandbelowhisjeans,hewasbarefoot.“It’ssonicetoseeyouagain.”
Iwasunpreparedforthesmokyqualityofhisvoice.“Hi,it’s,uh,nicetoseeyou,too.”
“Comein,”Willsaid,openingthedoorwider.“Ijuststartedcooking.Leesaidyouweregoodwithchickencacciatore,soIhopethat’sstillokay.”
Ifollowedhimin,unabashedlyscopingaswemovedthroughthelivingroomintothekitchen.ThisiswhatI’dexpectedLogan’shousetolooklike.Will’stownhousewasnewandsleeklymodern,butitlookedbarelylived-in:someperfunctoryfurnitureandafewlamps,butlittleelse.Therewereevenafewposterssittinginshrink-wrapagainstthelivingroomwall.
Hecaughtmelookingandrubbedthebackofhisnecksheepishly.“Yeah,it’saghosttown.I’mbarelyherebecauseofresidency,andwhenIam,I’msleeping.NotthatIdon’tknowhowtohavefun,”headdedquickly.“I’mnotmakingmyselfsoundveryappealing,amI?”
“You’reveryappealing,”Isaidreassuringly,thenblushedandhurriedintothekitchen.Unliketherestofthetownhouse,itwaslived-in,strewnwithpots,pans,andaknifeblockthatlookedlovinglycaredfor.Therewereleafyvegetablessittingfreshlywashedinacolanderandabottleofredwinenexttotwoglasses.
“CanIpouryouaglass?Yoursistersaidyoulikedwine.Ihadtheguyatthestorehelpmepickitout.”
Oh,Willwasnervous.Irecognizedthesigns,eveniftheideaofsomeonebeingnervousaroundmewaslaughable.Ismiledgently,alittlehighonthepower.“Abigone,please.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Hegrinnedandpoured.“I’mgoingtocook,andIthoughtmaybeyoucouldsitatthecounterandkeepmecompany?Oryoucouldgotothelivingroom.Or—anywhereyouwant,honestly.”
“Here’sgood.”Isettledononeofhisbarstoolsandtookabigsipofwine,whichwasexcellent.Icheckedthebottle.BloodyGoodWine,avineyardoutinFredericksburg.ThatwasTexaswinecountry,onlyanhourandahalfoutsideAustin.I’dhavetotellZoeyaboutit.WeweregoingtoFredericksburgnextweekendforherandAnnie’sjointbachelorette.Iwasextremelyhonoredtohavescoredaninvite.
“So,isitweirdoursiblingssetusup?”Willdicedanonionexpertly,inawayI’dneverbeenabletomaster.Maybeitwashissurgeonskills.“Imean,it’snotforme.Ben’sconstantlymeddlinginmylife.Heappointedhimselfmystand-indadafteroursleft.”WhenWillglancedup,hiseyesweremisty
“Oh,Will.”Ireachedoverthecounterandputmyhandonhisarm.“I’msosorry.”Hefroze,lookingdownatmyhandandthenmeetingmyeyes.“Ohhh,”Isaid.“Thetearsarefromtheonion,aren’tthey?”
Helaughed,awarmsoundthatcurledpleasantlyinsideme.“Theyare,butthankyou.I’veactuallyneverbeenparticularlytornupbymydadleaving.Iwasyoung,soInevergottoknowhim.IthitBenwayharder.SometimesIthinkheworkedsohardtobeafathertomeasawayofcopingwithhisowngrief.ButIdoappreciatethegesture.”
Iretreatedbacktomybarstool,takingalargegulpofwine.Goodjob,Alexis.Treatagrownmanlikeyouwouldyourfirstgradestudents.“Forwhatit’sworth,I’musedtoLeemeddling,too.ShedidtheoppositeofBenwhenourfamilybrokeup—shekindofretreated.ForalongtimeIwastheonetryingtoinsertmyselfintoherlife.Butthelastcoupleofyearswe’vegrowncloser,andshe’sjumpedheadfirstintothatannoyingoldersiblingthingofthinkingtheyknowwhat’sbestforyou.”
Willwalkedtohiscastironpanandslidthechoppedonionsoffthecuttingboardintothepan.Theysizzled,fillingtheairwithadeliciousgrilledaroma.“Ithastogetexhaustingforthem,don’tyouthink?Allthatplottingonourbehalf,ontopofmanagingtheirownlives.”Heturnedtomeandgrinned.“ThinkLeeandBenstayupatnight,schemingaboutus?”
IpicturedLeeinherBellecostumeandBeninhisblueCaptainPlanetwigandblanched.“I’mgoingtosuggestwedon’ttalkaboutwhatLeeandBengetuptoatnight.”Despitethejoke,mymindwanderedtomoreseriousterritory.WillandIhadalotincommon.UnlikemeandLogan,whocouldn’tbemoreopposite.AssoonasIthoughtit,Ireprimandedmyself:NoLoganthoughts.
Willsnorted.“Fair.”Hepickeduphisknife,thensetitbackdown,seemingtocometoadecision.Hebrushedadarkcurlbehindhisearandlookedatme.WhenImethiseyes,allthehairsonmyarmsrose.Hiseyesweredistractinglyblue,sovividtheykepttakingmebysurprise.TheyweretheoppositeofLogan’swarmbrowneyes,withtheirthousandshadesofamber.Stop,youaddict.
“Intheinterestoftransparency,”Willsaidhaltingly.“IthinkBenandLeesetusupbecausetheyknewI’velikedyousincethefirsttimewemet.Waybackwhentheydatedthefirsttime,andyouwerejustafreshmanatUT,IcametovisitBenandmetyouand…well,Ineverstoppedthinkingaboutyou.”
Myfaceflamedathisadmission.Ididn’tknowwhattodowithmyeyesormyhands—or,frankly,mymouth.IdirectedmywordstoWill’scuttingboard.“IfeellikeIshouldsaythankyoufornoticingme,butthatsoundskindofuncool,so…uh…”
Helaughed,sparingme.“Noneedtosayanything.Sorryifthat’stoomanycardsonthetable.Ijustbelieveinbeinghonest.Nogames,youknow?”
Inoddedslowly,willingmyselfnottocomparehimtoLogan.“Thatsounds…refreshing.”
Overthenexttwohours,Willfinishedcookingandweatehisdeliciouschickencacciatoreandsalad—followedbyhomemadetiramisu,becausewhenthemandidtakeabreakfromhissurgicalresidency,apparentlyhemoonlightedasaprofessionalchef.Wesatathishomeylittlediningtableandourconversationflowedeasily,helpedinnosmallpartbythefactthatwedownedtheentirebottleofBloodyGoodWine,causingWilltoopenasecondhe’dbought“incasethenightwentaswellashe’dhoped.”Themanwascharming,funny,andhadverylittleinterestinTexaspolitics,whichmadethewholenightfeellikeanescape.
WhenIcheckedmyphoneandsawitwaswellpasteleven,Igasped.“Ididn’trealizehowlateitwas.Youprobablyhavetoworktomorrow.Imean,Ihavetoworktomorrow,too,butI’mnotcuttinganyoneopen.”
Willlaughed.“I’mworkingthelateshifttomorrow,soI’llbefine.Icouldprobablysithereallnightifyouletme.You’reeasytotalkto.”
Onceagain,thatannoyingflush,theonethatwouldalwayskeepmefromappearingcoolandunaffected,creptupmyneck.“Ihadareallygoodtime.Thankyouforeverything.”
“Letmewalkyouout.”Webothroseandmadeourwaythroughhishouse.Whenwegottohisfrontdoor,WillstoppedandIturnedtofacehim,suddenlylitwithnerves.“I’dlovetoseeyouagain,”hesaidsoftly.“Maybetakeyoutoawedding?”
Ithadtobethewinemakingmebold.“LeesaidshetoldyouaboutLoganArthur.DoesitreallynotbotheryouthatI’mpubliclyseeingsomeone?”
AnaffectionatesmilecreptoverWill’smouth,makinghiseyestwinkle.“Youknow,I’mprettyusedtoStonefamilyshenanigansbynow.I’msureyou’redoingitforagoodreason,andLeesaidyouandLoganarejustfriendsbehindthescenes.Soifyou’reopentoseeingme,I’lltakewhatIcanget.”
IwastornbetweenprideatbeingpartoftheStonefamilytradition,atendersorenessatthereminderthatLoganandIweren’treal,andexhilarationoverWill’ssweetness.Itwasaconfusingemotionalmaelstrom,andWillmust’vesensedit,becauseheleanedinandkissedmequicklyonthecheek.
“Takewhatevertimeyouneed,”hesaid,pullingback.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”
Hiswordssetoffariotofthoughts.Willwaswrong—Loganwastheonenotgoinganywhere,andIneededtorememberthat.HeandIwereabusinessarrangementmorphedintoafriendship,andforallIknew,hewasgoingtocallanyminutetoendourfakerelationshipsinceitwasstartingtodistracthim.Ineededtostopactinglikeonsomelevel,Iwastaken.Iwasn’t—Iwasfreeasabird.AndcomeelectiondayonNovember7th,itwouldbeofficialfortheworldtosee.
IplacedmyhandonWill’ssoftshirt.“Youknowwhat?Idon’tneedtime.I’mhappytobeyourdatetothewedding.”
Hisfacebrokeintoadazzlingsmile.Yes,thiswasagoodchoice.Awiseone.ForonceIwouldmovetowardthenice,availableman—truly,PrinceCharminginscrubs—andawayfromthebeautiful,sarcastic,unavailableone.
Thiswasthechoicethatwouldprotectmyheart.Besides,Loganneverhadtoknow.27TexasWineCountry
NotonlydidZoeyandAnnietakemyBloodyGoodWinerecommendation,theyranwithit,makingitthefirststopon“ZoeyandAnnie’sBacchicBacheloretteWeekend,”whichwasthetitleoftheitinerarymysister’sfriendClairehandedmetheminuteIpulleduptotheenormousAirbnbwewererentingfortheweekend.Theitinerarywaslaminatedandattachedtoalanyardbecause,asClairecurtlyexplained,thiswasnottheirfirstrodeo.ItcamewithanNDAIhadtosignbeforeenteringthehouse,andnoamountofprotestingthatIwasLee’ssisterandwouldobviouslynotleakdrunkpicturesofheratabachelorettepartygotmeoutofhavingtoslashmynameacrossallthreepages.RemindertohireClaireifIeverneededalawyer,becauseshewasruthless.
Whensheinvitedmetoherbachelorette,ZoeyhadexplainedthatsincesheandAnniesharedsomanyofthesamefriends,they’ddecidedtoholdajointpartyandturnitintoacouples’weekend.ClaireandSimon,MacandTed,LeeandBen,andafewofZoey’sartistfriends—DukeandJeremy,whowerebothsculptors,andLaylaandHelen,anactressandaglassblower—wereallhere.Iwasthelonesingleperson,soIwasrelievedtofindtheyhadn’tstiffedmeonmybedroom—asaFrequentSingle,Iwasusedtobeingshovedinclosetsorgivenbunkbedsongrouptrips,butthistimemyassignmentwasacozysecond-floorbedroomwithaking-sizedbedandclaw-foottub.Afterfresheningup,I’djoinedthewholemerrycrewinashuttlebusthatchuggedusoutsidethepostcard-cutetownofFredericksburgtothelongstretchofvineyardsthatsurroundedit.ForgetNapa.ItwasgorgeousouthereinTexaswinecountry,withanaddeddashofquaintandhomey.
Now,climbingoutoftheshuttleandfacingtheBloodyGoodWinevineyard,Inearlyswooned.Thetastingroomwasacharming,modestlysizedwoodenbuildingsurroundedbylargeoaktrees,woodenswingsandafirepit.Behindthatstretchedrowsandrowsofcarefullycossetedgrapevines.“Thisplaceisadorable.”
Zoeyseizedmyarmandbounced,knockinghertiaraaskew.Itwasheroneconcessiontoourgroup’sdemandthatsheandAnnieparadetheirstatusasbachelorettes.TheyhadabsolutelyrefusedMac’sglittersashesand“KissMe,I’mGoingtoBeaBride”pins,soweconsideredthetiarasawin.“I’msoexcitedIcan’tstandit,”Zoeysquealed.
Irightedhercrown.“I’mgladyoulikedmysuggestionsomuch.”
Herrespondingsmilewassuspiciouslysatisfied.“Ihaveasurpriseforyouinside.”Shetuggedmeaheadofthegroup.
“It’syourweekend,”Iprotested.“Weshouldbesurprisingyou.”ButIfellquietwhenweburstintothetastingroom.Itwasjustascharmingastheoutside,allcozyandwood-paneled,withafewBritishflagsandpiecesofsoccermemorabilia.Inthefaintestway,itremindedmeofLogan’shouse.Itwasnicelybusy,too,evenatthreeintheafternoon,andthehumofchatterfromcouplesgluggingwineformedaninvitingambiance.Oneofthestaffledusthroughthecrowdtothebesttable,aroundoneinthecornerwithagreatviewofthevineyard.Asweallfitourselvesaroundit—Zoeyinsistedonsittingnexttome—Isearchedthetastingroom,tryingtosussoutmysurprise.Ifoundzeroclues.
“Theownerswillberightwithyou,”thestaffmemberpromised,andwhiskedaway.
“Owners?”Lee’seyebrowsraised.“I’mgladAnnandZoaregettingtheVIPtreatmenttheydeserve.”
IthoughtZoeywouldkeeloverfromdelight.SheandAnniebothbeamedatme.“WehavealittlesurpriseforAlexis.Whensherecommendedthisplaceandwelookeditup,wethought,surely,shehastoknow.Butsheclearlydoesn’t.”
“Knowwhat?”WhathadIrecommendedwithoutrealizingit?Oh,God,didthisplaceturnintoaburlesquecluborsomething?Iwouldneverheartheendofit.
LeelookedjustasconfusedasIwas.SheglancedatBen,whoshrugged.“Noidea.”
“Eeee,”Zoeysquealed,andIturned.
ThedoubledoorstothebackofthetastingroomburstopenandLogan,ofallpeople,emerged,flankedbyamanandwomanwhoborearemarkableresemblancetohim.Hegrinnedatmefromacrosstheroom,dresseddowninjeansandablackT-shirt,lookinghappierandmorerelaxedthanI’dseenhiminalongtime.Heshookhisheadwhenhegotcloser,givingmeawide,toothysmile.“Ofallthewinejointsinallthetownsinalltheworld,shewalksintomine.”Hisdeep,familiarvoicesentshiversdownmyspine.
Iblinked,mouthopen.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Loganandcompanyreachedourtableandhesmileddownatus.“Hieveryone.I’dliketointroduceyoutomyparents,KitandPetra.Theyowntheplace.”
Youcould’veknockedmeoverwithafeather.“YourparentsownBloodyGoodWine?Ithoughtyouwerefarmers.”
Behindme,Dukewhispered,“IsthatLoganArthurthepolitician?”followedbythefamiliartappingsoundsofarapidGooglesearch.
Petra’sdarkeyessparkled.Shewasshort—Loganhadgottenhisheightfromhisdad—andlovely,withthewidefaceandhighcheekbonesIassociatedwitheasternEuropeans,andcurlydarkhairlikeLogan’s.“Wehadthisrightannoyingsonwhokeptpesteringustostopfarminglivestockandgetinonthewineboom,sowemadetheleapfromOdejotoFredericksburgabout—”Shelookedatherhusbandforconfirmation.“Sixyearsago?”
Kitnodded.“Soundsaboutright.Thetimelineandthecheekyson.”BothhisandPetra’sBritishaccentsweresostrongIwasnowamazedLogan’swasn’tstronger.Kitgrinnedatme.“ThoughIsupposeIdon’thavetotellyouaboutthecheekiness,doI?”Hestuckouthishand.“It’sapleasuretofinallymeetyou,mydear.”
Oh.Ofcourse.Loganwould’vetoldhisparentsweweredating,justlikeI’dtoldmymom.Zoeyelbowedme,andIhurriedlyshookMr.Arthur’shand.“It’sverynicetomeetyou.”IglancedatLoganandhearchedhiseyebrowsatme.IhadsomanythingsIwantedtoaskhim,butcouldn’tinpublic.Ihadn’tseenhimallweeksincethedebatefiasco.He’dtextedmeoncetoapologizeforbeingMIA,tellingmethecampaignwasinhyperdrivetryingtododamagecontrol,andhe’dcallassoonashewasn’tinmeetingstwenty-threehoursaday.I’dbeensounsurehowtorespond—didIaskifhewasokay?DidIaskifitwasmyfaulthe’dbeendistracted?DidItellhimIwashereifheneededtovent?—thatithadtakenmeanhourofpacing,typing,anddeletingbeforeI’dsettledonasafeSoundsgood.Andnowhewashere,outofmydaydreamsandintheflesh.Itwassurreal.
“Iunderstandwehavesomebrideshereontheirhenweekend,”Petracrooned,claspingherhands.
“Righthere,”Macsaid,pointingatAnnieandZoey,whobeamed.
“Prettysurethecrownsgaveitaway,”Clairequipped,whichearnedheraglarefromMac.
“Well,KitandIwantedtosaycongratulations,andasourgift,yourwineisonthehouse.”
Thetableexplodedintopoliteprotests
“Youreallydon’thavetodothat,”Anniesaid.“We’rehappytosupportyou.”
Arthurwavedheraway.“Weinsist.We’rebigfansofloveintheArthurhousehold.”HesqueezedPetra.“Beenhappilymarriedthirtyyearsourselves.”
Happilymarriedparents.CouldLoganandIbeanydifferent?
“AndwewanttomakeagoodimpressiononAlexis.”Petrawinkedatme.“Logan’ssobesottedwe’rehopingtowooherintostickingaround—”
“Okay,Mom,”heinterrupted,shootingheradeathglare.“Whydon’twebringthenicehenpartythewinetheycamefor?”
“Ah,right,”saidPetra,andLoganhustledhisparentsinthedirectionofthebar.
Assoonastheirbackswereturned,everyonestartedwhispering.
“Doyoulikeyoursurprise?”Zoeyclutchedmyarm.“Logan’sspendingtheweekendwithus!”
Myeyebrowsweregoingtobepermanentlystuckinmyhairline.“Heis?”NowIunderstoodwhyI’dbeengivenakingbed.Oh,God,LoganandIonlyhadthatonebed.I’dreadtoomanyromancenovelsnottounderstandwhatkindoftroubleIwassettingmyselfupfor.
“Heis?”Leeechoed,evenlouderthanme.SheshotBenafurtivelook.TheymustbethinkingofWill.
“Props,Alexis.”Macreachedacrossthetableandliftedherhandforahighfive.“Yourgovernor’shotonTVwiththatwholedark,angryBritishthing,butinreallifehe’ssmoking.SorryTed,Icall’emlikeIsee’em.”Herfacebrightened.“IbethesaysgovernorallBritish.Gov’na.”
Herboyfriend,Ted,eyedher.“MyMidwestaccentreallyisn’tdoingitforyou,huh?”
“He’sagubernatorialcandidate,”Clairecorrected.“Hehasn’twonyet.Andrightnowit’snotlookingsohot.Ifhe’sstayingtheweekend,noone’sallowedtomentionthatshitshowofadebate.Thatmeansnodrunkpolitics,Stoner.”
Leerolledhereyes.“WhenhaveIever—”
“Allthetime,”everyonesaidinunison.
“Thatdebatewaspainful.”Claire’shusband,Simon,cringed.“Bestnotbringitup.”
“Youdummies,”Ihissed.“He’sonlyafewfeetaway.He’llhearyou.”
Tomyhorror,Loganturnedfromthebarwithabottleofroséandatight-lippedsmile.“Don’tworry.Noonehastotiptoe.IknowIbloodywellchoked.”
I’dneverwitnessedClairelooksomortified.“Logan,I’msorry—”
“Noneedtoapologize.”Heshookhisheadandtippedherwineglassover,fillingitwithrosé,thepourcomingoutinonesmootharc.Ihadn’trealizedwatchingsomeoneexpertlypourwinewasakinkapersoncouldhaveuntilnow.“Ihadabadnight.I’lldobetternexttime.There’sstillhopeI’llbegov’nayet.”HewinkedatMac,thenhiseyesshiftedtome.“Bombingputsthingsinperspective,atleast.Showsyouwhatyouneedtododifferently.”
Idon’tknowwhythatstruckapainfulchordinmychest,butitdid.Godhelpme,I’dgottenusedtobeingLogan’sfriend.Whatifoneofthethingsheneededtododifferentlywasgetridofme?
“Lex,”hesaidlightly,fillingeachglassremarkablyquickly.“Willyoucometothebackofficewithmeandmyparents?They’rebeggingtotalktoyou.”Heturnedtotherestofthetable.“Courtneywillbeoverinasecondtotellyouaboutwhatyou’redrinking.”
Ifelteveryone’seyesonmeasIleftthetableandfollowedLoganthroughthedoubledoors.Heglanceddownatmeandextendedhishand.“Doyoumindifwe…”
“Ofcoursenot.”Islidmyfingersthroughhis,feelingthefamiliarcomfortofourhandslockingtogether.Ifhewasholdingmyhand,hecouldn’tregretme,couldhe?Though,ofcourse,wewereturningthecornertoabigkitchen,wherehisparentscrouchedoveranisland.Thehandholdingwasforshow.Thisiswhyyou’retakingachancewithWill,Itoldmyself.Withhim,youdon’thavetoguess.
“Ah,Alexis!”Logan’sdadbeamed.“Thankyouforduckingawaytoseeus.”
“Areyouahugger?”askedPetra.Shebarelywaitedformetonodbeforeflingingherarmsaroundme.IdroppedLogan’shandandhuggedherback.
“Okay,Mom,”Logansaidgently,tuggingheraway.“LetAlexisbreathe.”
Petrarubbedmybackbeforereleasingme.“We’rejustsoexcitedtomeetyou.Logan’sbeengushingforweeks,andofcoursewe’veseenyouonTV.KitandIwerekickingourselveswehadn’tmetyouyet.”
“Mostlyyouwerekickingme,”Logancorrected.
“Sixmonthsofdatingwithouttellingus!”Kitturnedtome.“He’salwaysbeenprivate,buthidingyouwasbeyondthepale.”
IsteppeduptotheislandnexttoPetra.“InLogan’sdefense,weboththoughtitwouldbebesttokeepthingsquiet.Wedidn’twantanythingdistractingfromhiselection.Ormysister’sbeforethat,”Iadded,inaninspiredmoment.
“That’sright,yoursister’sastatesenator.”Kitnoddedasifthatsettledsomething.“You’reusedtothepoliticallife.That’simportant.Loganneedssomeonewhounderstandswhatit’slike.”
“HowaboutwetalkaboutLoganlikehe’sstandingrighthere,”Logansaid,thoughhewassmilingfondlyathisfather.Awayfromthecampaign,hewasremarkablyatease.
“How’sthewine-makingbusiness?Doyoulikeitbetterthanthefarmingyoudidbefore?”
Petranodded.“Oh,much.”ShereacheduponhertiptoesandruffledLogan’shair.“ThisonekepttellingustheTexaswinescenewasgoingtoblowupandweshouldgetinonit.I’msogladwelistened.Hewasright.Businessisbooming.Andweloveworkingwiththegrapes.”
“Nicenottobeonthevergeofbankruptcy,too,”Kitsaidwithawink.
“AtleastIgotonethingright,”Logansaid.“Rarethesedays.”
Ishothimasympatheticlook.Hewasclearlytalkingaboutthedebate.
“We’rejusttwooldhippies,really.”KitsmiledwarmlyacrossthecounteratPetra.“We’llgowhereverthewindtakesus,tryourhandatanything.Allyouneedislove,andtherestfollows.Isn’tthatright,dear?”
Theydidgiveoffamellowhippievibe.Iblurtedthefirstthingthatcametomind:“HowintheworlddidyoutwomakeLogan?”
PetraandKitburstoutlaughing.“Youknow,sometimesIthinkhefashionedhimselfinoppositiontous,”Petraadmitted.
“Someonehadtobethebloodyresponsibleone,”Loganmuttered.
“Oi,wewereresponsible,”Kitsaid.“Taughtyoualltheessentials.Love,laughter,andTottenhamsupremacy.”
TheopportunitytogettoknowLoganbetterwastoogoodnottopress.“Washealwaysaseriouschild?”
“Ihavetoshowyoupictures,”Petrasaid.“IknowIhavethemheresomewhere.Iwasgoingtoscrapbookinmydowntime.”Shestartedflutteringaroundthekitchendrawers,openingandclosing.“Wheredidtheygo?”
“Mum,”Logangroaned.“There’snoneed—”
“Heretheyare!”Shewavedafistfulofphotos.“Lookathim,”shesaid,pointingtothefirst.“Isn’thethemosthandsomelittleboy?Hegotallourbestfeatures.”
InthephotostoodaminiatureLogan,gloweringatthecamera,wearing—Ialmostgasped—apairofjeanoveralls.JustasI’dhoped.Hestoodinfrontofalargetreewithhisarmsspreadpossessivelyaroundthetrunk.
“Hewasguardingthattree,”Kitexplained.“Itwasanoldoakrightinthecenteroftown,hadbeenthereforhundredsofyears.WhenTex-Agboughtthelandandwasplanningtotearitdown,Loganchainedhimselftoitandrefusedtoleavefordays.PetraandIhadtobringhimfoodandwaterandcampoutwithhimatnight.Hewasonlyten.”
IlookedatLogan,amazed.Afaintrednesstingedhischeeks.“Youwerealiteraltreehugger.YoucanneverlettheRNCseethis.Whathappenedtothetree?”
“Thosefuckersthreatenedlegalaction,thentoreitdown,”hesaid.“I’llneverforgivethem.”
Petraspreadtheotherphotosoutontheisland.Iporedoverthem.“Logan’snotsmilinginasingleone.”
“Smiling’sforpeoplewhosavetrees,”hesaid.
“Hewasourlittlecrusader,”Petrasaidfondly.“Nevermetananimalhedidn’ttakecareoforahurtingpersonhedidn’twanttohelp.Andmindyou,Odejowasfullofpeoplelikeus,strugglingtomakeendsmeetonfarmsthatdidn’tstandachanceagainsttheTex-Agsoftheworld.Hehadalotofcauses.Ithinkthat’swherehegrewhisheartforjustice.”Shewinkedatme.“Stillcan’tbelievethetwoofusmadeakidlikehim.”
“Ohmygoodness.”Isnatchedapictureoutofthepile.Init,Logancrouchednexttoalarge,fatpigwithbrownspots.“IsthisWilbur?”
Logan’seyetwitched.Afteramomentofgrudgingsilence,hegrowled,“That’shim.”
IlookedatyoungLogan’sface,unsmilingbutstillshiningwithpride.“It’sevenbetterthanIimagined.”
“Hewastheonetobeatinthe4-Hshows,”Kitsaidproudly.“Forawhilewethoughthe’dgointoagriculture,butweshould’veknownitwouldbepoliticsforhim.Logan’salwayshadasingle-mindeddrive.”
“SowhiletherestofhisfriendsfromhighschoolwentofftoA&Mlikepropercountryboys,hewentofftoCambridge,”hismothersaid.“AndcamebacktousallHarvard.”
LoganrolledhiseyesandIgrinned.Hisparentsteased,butthelovewasobvious.
“Iknowyou’rebusythisweekendwithyourhenparty,”Kitsaidtome.“Butyoucancomebackanytime.We’dlovetoputyouupandshowyouthewholeplacefromtoptobottom.Cookyouabigdinnerwithwinepairings.”
“Thatsoundsamazing,”Isaid.“Countmein.”Stopmakingpromisesyoucan’tkeep,alittlevoicewarned.
Petraleanedclosetomeandspokesoftly.“IcouldtellbythewayLogantalkedaboutyouthatyouweresomeonespecial.”SheglancedatLogan,whowasdescribingsomethingtohisdad.“Now,seeinghimaroundyou,thewayhelooksatyou,howmuchhesmiles…I’veneverseenhimsohappy.Thankyouforbeingsogoodtohim.”
IsmiledatPetra,hopingmydeepwellofguiltdidn’tshinethrough.Logan’sparentswerelovelyandIhatedlyingtothem.“Ijustwanthimtobehappy,”Isaidquietly.Atleastthatwasthetruth.IwantedmorethananythingforLogantogethisvictory,thegoalhe’dbeenworkingtowardsincehewastenyearsold,guardingthattree.“Ishouldprobablygetbacktomyfriends,”Iadded,andLoganlookedover.
“Ofcourse.”Petrarubbedmyarm.
“I’llbeoutinaminutewithsomereservebottles,”Loganpromised.“Andhey,Lex.”HetuggedmeawayfromtheislandandIsawhisparentssmileateachother,charmedatthethoughtthathecouldn’tkeephishandsoffme.Heloweredhisvoice.“Latertonight,canwetalk?”
Mystomachdropped.“Iseverythingokay?”
Henodded,buthisgazeshiftedtohishands.“Yeah.I’vejustbeendoingalotofthinking—”Hestopped,thenlaughedathimself.“Actually,I’vebeendoingalotoftorturingmyself.There’ssomethingIwanttotalktoyouabout.”
Thepitinmystomachdeepened.He’dsaidbombingatthedebatehadgivenhimclarity.Hewasgoingtoendourfakerelationship,wasn’the?Tonight,despiteintroducingmetohisparents,Loganwouldsitmedownandexplainitwasmoreprudenttocallitoff.Ormaybehe’dasktoscaleusbacktoasingleappearanceaweek.Somethingtokeepuptherusebutinsertsomedistance.
Thisiswhyyou’regivingWillashot,Iremindedmyself.Eventhoughitwasn’tthemostcharitablethought,itcomfortedmeenoughtotakeadeepbreathandsay,weakly,“Great.Can’twait.”28EverythingGetsTwisted
“Zoey,offthetopofyourhead:fivecelebritiesyouwouldletsteponyourneck.Ifyoudon’tanswer,youdrink.”
“Lee!”Anniesquealed.“Youweirdo.”
“SandraOh,”Zoeysaid,holdingupafinger.“Andforthatmatter,JodieComer.Oh,hell,theentireKillingEvecast.”
Claireswirledherwinedramatically.“Doesanyonerememberwhenbeingapoliticianusedtomeansomething?Likewhenitcamewithgravitas?”
“That’swhatIsaid.”IshotLeealooklestsheforgettheBellesexcostumeincident.
“It’sabacheloretteparty!”Leethrewupherhands.“Thisismytimetoshine.”
“Whathappenedtopoliticiansexhibitingdecorum?”ClaireaskedLogan.
Hegrinned.“HellifIknow.”ThenhisattentioncaughtonsomethingoverClaire’sshoulder.“Oi,waitasecond.What’sthatinthecorner?”
Theentirebachelorettepartystoppedtalkingandturnedtolook.And,despitethefactthatI’dbeenavoidingLoganallday—throughthegauntletofwineriesanddinnerhereattheAirbnb(quiteafeat,consideringhewasseatednexttomeandkepttryingtocatchmyeyeeverytimehepassedthebutter)—Ilooked,too.
Andimmediatelyfeltmyfaceflame.Oh,no.Irecognizedthedark-hairedspritestaringbackfromacanvashalfburiedunderhalfadozenothers.ThepaintingswerepilednexttotherestofZoey’sartsupplies,stuffedintoacornerofthelivingroom.Idon’tknowhowI’doverlookeditduringdinner—probablybecauseIwassofocusedonignoringthesmallprivatesmilesLogankeptshootingmywayanytimesomeonesaidsomethingfunny.NowhiseyeswerefixedonthepaintingandIwantedtospontaneouslycombust.
“It’smystudyofAlexis!”Zoey’slipswerestainedberry-redfromafulldayofdrinking.Tomyhorror,sheranoveranddugthecanvasoutfrombehindtheothers,puttingitonfulldisplay.“She’sbeensittingformeforabigcommission.IbroughtitincaseIhavetimetoworkinthemorningswhenAnniegetsupforyoga.Isn’tthecloseupbeautiful?IthinkI’mgoingtotrytosellitseparately.”Zoeybeamedinnocentlyaroundthediningtable,unawareofthebombshe’ddropped.
TheentiretablewassilentforabeatinwhichIcouldactuallyfeelsweatformingatmytemples—thenfinally,Benregainedtheabilitytospeak.“YougotAlexisStonetodressupasafairyforapainting?Like,allofthosethingshappenedinarow?”
“Hey,”Isaidhotly.“I’mnotthatshy.”
“Arethoseleavesonherboobs?”Macasked.
“It’stasteful,”Zoeyinsisted.
LeepointedatZoeywithherwineglass.“Iwillgiveyouthreehundreddollarsrightnow.Youdon’tevenhavetofinishit.”
“No.”IturnedsoquicklytoZoeyIalmostgavemyselfwhiplash.“YoucansellittoanyoneintheworldbutLee.OrBen,”Iadded,seeingthedeviouslightinhiseyes.
“Iknewthispaintingwasawinner,”shesaidhappily.“Whatdoyouthinkofit,Logan?”
“Oh,”Logansaidhoarsely.Hiseyeswerefixedonthecanvas.“It’svery,uh—”
Ishovedbackfromthetable.“HowaboutIvolunteertodothedishesandinexchange,everyoneagreestowipethepaintingfromtheirmemories.”Istartednoisilycollectingsilverware.
“I’llhelp.”Loganrosequicklyfromhisseat.
“Howlovely.”Anniebeamedatusfromtheheadofthetable.HerlipswereeverybitasberrystainedasZoey’s,whichprobablyaccountedforthedreamylookonherface.“It’ssonicewhencouplesshareresponsibilities.That’sasignofahealthyrelationship.”
Claireraisedherglasstome.“IagreewithdrunkDr.Park.He’sakeeper,Alexis.”
ApparentlyevenLoganArthurhadlimitsonpublichumiliation,becauseheduckedhishead.“Bettergettheseintothedishwasherasfastaspossible.Excuseme,then.”Hebeelinedinthedirectionofthekitchen,balancingastackofplates.
“Andhe’ssocute,”Macgushed.“Nottoharponthepoint,butdoesanyoneelsefindhimtoohandsometobearealpolitician?Imean,theydon’tusuallylooklikethat.”
“Rude,”Leesaid.“Igetplentyofemailsfrompeoplepropositioningme.”
Benraisedhiseyebrows.“Youdo?”
“Yes.Footfetishists,mostly.Ihaveveryalluringfeet.”
Logannearlybrokeintoarun.Whilehisbackwasturned,Itooktheopportunitytoslicemyfingeracrossmythroatandhiss,“Stopembarrassingme”attheentiretable.Theproblemwithhangingoutwithyouroldersister’sfriendswasthattheyinevitablyappointedthemselvesyourhonorarybigsisters,therebygrantingthemselvesunlimitedlicensetomortifyyou.
Whenwe’darrivedbackattheAirbnbtofindtwochefsworkingonanextravagantthree-coursedinner,I’dpanickedaboutthefactthatLogandidn’tknowanyone,andifIwasinhisshoes,I’dbeclimbingthewalls.ButitturnedoutIhadnothingtoworryabout.Hewasanaturalatgettingtoknowpeople.Dinnerhadgoneverywell—especially,tomysurprise,betweenLoganandLee.They’dbondedovertheirsharedvegetarianism,theonlytwopeopletorequestgrilledmushroomsinsteadofsteaks.AndifIwasn’timaginingthings,Icould’veswornLogan’ssaltydissectionoftheattorneygeneral’srecentbrothelscandalhadwonmysisteroverdespiteherself.IcouldtellhewastryinghardtoimpressLee.IthaddoneaprettysolidjobofdistractingmefromthinkingaboutwhateverLoganwantedtosay.Butnowthatwewerealoneinthekitchen,Ihadtofacethemusic.
Hestoodatthesink,scrubbingplates,atowelfoldedoverhisshoulder.Heturnedtome.“Iwash,youdry?”
Inoddedandslippedthetowelfromhisshoulder,gettingtoworkashehandedmewetdishes.“Sorryaboutthem,”Isaid.“They’realot.”
Loganglanceddownatmeandgrinned.“Ilovethem.”
“EvenLee?EvenClaire?”
Helaughedwhilehescrubbed,sendingsoapbubblesflying.“Allofthem.Theyseemlikegoodpeople.AndIlikehowprotectivetheyareofyou.”
“Well,noneofthemwenttoe-to-toewithCarterattheFleurdeLisforme,soI’dsayyoustillcomeinfirstplace.”
Heflickedsoapbubblesandtheylandedonmynose.“Thankyouforknowingwinning’simportanttome.”
Iwipedmynoseandsplashedhimback—andtomydelight,thebubblesgotcaughtinhisstubble,givinghimabubblebeard.
Insteadofshakingthemoff,Loganstilled,hisgazeintensifying.Myheartracedatthesuddenchargeintheair.“Lex,thatthingIwantedtotalktoyouabout—”
Behindus,heavyknockingsoundedatthedoor,makingmejump.Leeflewtoit,followedbyBen,whothrewopenthedoor.
ItwasWill.Standingintheentrance,wearingjeansandaDellMedicalT-shirt,hisdarkhairmussedandfloatingawayfromhisface,aduffelbagoverhisshoulder.
“William!”mysistershouted.“You’rehere.”
“Youmadegoodtime,buddy.”Benleanedoverandgavehisbrotherabriefhug,followedbyaclapontheback.Sidebyside,theirsharedLadermanbeautywasevenmorepronounced.“Welcometotheworldoutsidethehospital.”
“Isthiswhatitlookslike?”Willjoked.“Barelyrecognizeit.”WhenhepulledbackfromBen,Will’seyessearchedthehouse,stoppingwhentheylandedonme.Hesmiledalittleshyly.“Hi,Alexis.”
Itoccurredtomethatmymouthhaddroppedopen.“Uh—hi.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Surprise!”Leethrewoutherarms.“Willhadarareweekendoff,soweinvitedhim.WithAnnie’spermission,ofcourse.”Shegavemeashowsmile,willingmetoplayalong.“Thatwasobviouslybeforeweknewthefullguestlist.Butisn’tthisgreat?”
Willmovedintothekitchenandgavemeaquickhug.“Ihopethisisokay,”hewhispered.
“Ofcourse,”Isaid,andgulped.BecauseWillwasnowlookingatLogan,whostoodbythesink,staringback.HowhadIgottenmyselfintothissituation?TheobviousanswerwasLee,butImeantmoreexistentially.MaybeZoeywaswrongaboutmygoodkarma.
“You’reLoganArthur,”Willsaid,lurchingforwardwithhishandoutstretched.“Irecognizeyoufromthenews.I’mWill,Ben’sbrother.It’snicetomeetyou.Ididn’trealizeyou’dbehere.”
Loganshookhishand.“Cheers.It’sacouplesthingandI’mAlexis’sboyfriend,so…youknow.”
“Right.”WilldroppedLogan’shandandgavehimaconspiratorialwink.“Boyfriend.”
Loganshotmeaconfusedlook.Oh,greatlightninginthesky,strikemenow.
“Comeon,Will.”Leewavedhiminthedirectionofthelivingroom.“Throwyourstuffinthecorner.Youcamerightintimefordrinkinggames.”
“Uh-oh.”Willshookhisheadgood-naturedly.“Idrovehererightaftermyshift,soI’mgoingtoneedtocatchupwiththerestofyou.”
“I’llpouryousomewine,”Loganoffered,droppingthedishtowel.HewasstudyingWilllikehewasapuzzle,oneIverymuchdidn’twanthimtosolve.
WhileLoganandWillheadedforthewineonthediningtable,IgrabbedLeeandhissed,“Whatwereyouthinking?”
“IswearIdidn’trealizeLoganwascoming.WhenyoutoldusyouwereintoWill,BenandIgotsoexcited,wethoughtyouguyscouldhaveaweekendtogetheroutofthespotlight.AndthenWillwassohappytobeinvitedIcouldn’tbearthethoughtofuninvitinghimafterLoganshowedup.Hewould’vebeensittingaroundaloneinAustin.”
“Ugh,”Igroaned.Iwantedtobeangryather,butherreasonswerefrustratinglycharitable.Icoveredmyfacewithmyhands,watchingfrombetweenmyfingersasLoganshowedWillabottleofBloodyGoodWine.“WhatamIsupposedtodonow?”
Leegavethetwomenathoughtfullook.“RememberthatepisodeofSabrina,theTeenageWitchwhenSabrinaaccidentallybringstwodatestotheschooldance?”I’dbeenobsessedwithSabrinawhenwewereyoungerandusedtomakeLeewatchitwithme,obviouslyunawareshewasgatheringmaterialforfutureevilplots.“It’llbelikethat.Justkeepthemapartasmuchaspossible.Easy.”
“Lee!Sabrinahadmagicalpowersandshestillgotcaught.”
Leerestedherhandsonmyshoulders.“Ithinkweshouldtakeamomenttoappreciatethefactthatafewmonthsago,youhadzeroboyfriends.Andnow,look!”Shewavedatthelivingroom.“Youhavetwo.Honestly,you’rewelcome.”
ItookbackeverythingI’deversaidaboutwantingtobepartofaLeeStoneshenanigan.IwasprettysureIwasgoingtokillher.
Nope.Forty-fiveminuteslater,contortedlikeapretzelbetweenWill’slegsandLogan’sarms,barelyholdingonintheworld’shighest-stakesgameofdrunkTwister,itturnedoutIwisheddeathuponnoonebutmyself.I’dtriedtobowoutwhenZoeysuggestedtheadult-themedversionofthegame—itwasundoubtedlytheoppositeoftheSabrina,theTeenageWitch–approachtokeepingone’sdatesapart—butIwascensoredwithloudboosfromeveryone.SoI’dfoldedtopeerpressureandhereIwas,dyingslowlyofhandsome-man-proximity-overload.Logan,Will,andIwerethelastthreecontestantsleftonthemat:Willwastheleastdrunk,Loganthemostcompetitive,andIseemedtohavebeengrantednearsuperhumanstrengththroughsheeradrenaline.Theentirebachelorettepartyringedus,watchingasWillplacedhisrighthandonayellowdotunderneathme,bringinghisfacecloser.“Hey,”hewhispered.“Ithinkthismightbemynewfavoritegame.”
Loganwasinchesawayintheotherdirection.Icouldactuallyfeeltheheatemanatingfromhisskin.Iglancedoverandsureenough,hewaswatchingWillandmeintently,frowning.IfonlyIcouldtellWilltostopbeingsoobviouswithoutbeingso…obvious.
“Alexis,righthandred,”calledTed,ourreferee.Isearchedthemat,hopingagainsthopetofindaredcirclefarawayfrombothWillandLogan.Butno.OfcoursetheonlyoneIcouldfeasiblytouchhadmeshiftingmyweightawayfromWilltopressmybodyagainstLogan’s.Wewerechesttochestnow,hismuscledarmsoneithersideofme,flexingasheheldhimselfstill.Inchbyinch,IletmygazeclimbhigheruntilImethiseyes.Hewassoclose,hiseyesdarkandburningwithunspokenquestions.Hisgazedroppedtomylipsandstayedthere.Suddenlyitdidn’tmatterthatweweresurroundedbypeople.Atremorranthroughmethathadnothingtodowiththestrainofholdingmyselfup
ThecornersofLogan’smouthtuggedup.“Ithinkthismightbemynewfavoritegame,”hebreathed,soquietonlyIcouldhear.AllIcoulddowasstareathismouth,wonderingwhyhewasechoingWill,whatthatghostofasmilemeant.
“Logan,lefthandblue,”Tedsaid,cuttingmytortureshortasLoganshiftedawayfrommeinsearchofabluecircle.Withthenextspin,Willapologeticallyplacedhishandrightundermybutt
“Logan,someone’sgettingfreshwithyourgirl,”Macwarned.
Willraisedhiseyebrowsatmeandsmiledknowingly.Itwastheintimatelookoftwopeoplesharingasecret.Icutmygazeoverhisshoulder,hopingLoganhadn’tseen—butsureenough,hewasstaringatWill,hiseyebrowsknittingtogether.AndthenIwatchedthetruthhit.ComprehensiondawnedinLogan’seyesandheslipped,fallingtohiselbows.
“Logan’sout!”Claireyelled.“AnyonewanttoputmoneyonAlexisversusWill?”
Loganshovedhimselfoffthematandjumpedtohisfeet,keepinghisbacktome.Heslippedoutofthecircleandfledinthedirectionofthestairs.
“Noneedforabet,”Isaid,droppingtomyside.“I’mout,too.”
“Ladermandominance,”Bencrowed,pullingWilloffthemat.“Nevermetamiddleschoolpartygamewecouldn’tcrush.”
“Nofair,Alexisthrewthegame,”Claireprotested,butIignoredherandeveryoneelseandhurriedafterLoganupthestairs.Heknew.Thesecond-floorhallwasempty,whichmeanthewasin“our”room.Icrackedthedoorandfoundhimpacinginfrontofthelargewindows,againstthebackdropofastarrysky.Hemadeitfromoneendoftherugtotheother,thenturnedandstartedagain,handsflexinglikehewasstrugglingtokeepsomethinginside.Thesightofhissuitcaselinedupneatlynexttomineinthecorneroftheroommademythroatthick.
Islippedinandclosedthedoorbehindme.“Logan.”
Hestoppedmoving,butdidn’tmeetmyeyes.“HowdoesWillknowwe’renotreallydating?”Hisvoicewaslowandcontained.“Dotheyallknow?”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Ipromise.”
Logan’schinlifted,andfinallyhelookedatme,waitingformetoexplain.
“I…”Mymindscrambledforsomething,butofcourseIcouldn’tlie.“IwentonadatewithWill.Insecret,”Iaddedquickly.“Noonesawus.Trustme,ourcoverisn’tblown.ButfirsthehadtoknowthatyouandI—”IgesturedweaklybetweenLoganandme“—weren’treal.”
Loganwascompletelystone-faced,standingstock-stillagainstthestars.Icouldn’treadhimbeyondthetensioninthewayheclenchedhisjaw.Facedwithhissilence,Ibabbled.“ItwasLee’sconditiontoendorseyou.ShewantedmetogoonadatewithWilltoseeiftherewassomethingthere.Iknowit’sagainstourrulesandifanyonehadspottedusortakenapicture,itcould’veunderminedyourcampaign,andI’msosorry.”Iwastalkingamileaminute,desperatetochangethehardlinesonLogan’sface.“ForsomereasonLeegotitintoherheadthatWillandIwouldhititoffandhehasthisweddingcomingupheneedsadateforandI—I’msorryforkeepingitasecretandforambushingyou.IhadnoideaWillwascomingthisweekend.”
Itsoundedlikethemostpatheticexcuseintheworld—I’msorrythesecretIwaskeepingfromyougotsoinconvenientlyblown.Iflinched,waitingforLogan’sexplosion,ormaybethebarrageofbarbedquipslikeIwould’vegottenfrompreviousboyfriends.ButLogandidn’tspeak.Hedidn’tevenmove.Hiseyeswerefixedonthelargefour-posterbedbetweenus.Iwatchedasathousandemotionsplayedoverhisface,eachoneflickering,thenquashed,likehewaswrestlingthemundercontrol.Hewasworkingtokeephimselfincheck,butIwished—Iwishedhewouldjustopenup.Yellifhewantedto.Ineededtodecodehim.
“Pleasetellmewhatyou’rethinking.”Imovedaroundthebedtogetcloser.“IknowIviolatedthetermsofouragreementandyou’reangryandNora’sprobablygoingtosueme—”
“Wasyoursisterright?”Hiseyeswerestillfixedonthebed.Hisvoicewasquiet.WhileIcouldn’tquiteparsehisemotions,hedidn’tsoundangry.
Ifrozeattheunexpectedquestion.“What?”
Eachwordsoundedlikeitcosthim.“DidyouhititoffwithWill?Ishesomeoneyoucouldseeyourselfwith?”
There—Icouldreadthat.Loganwassteelinghimself.HewantedtoknowifIwasgoingtomakethisrelationshipwithWillanongoingproblemforhim.
“Don’tworry,”Isaid.“Iwon’tseehimanymore.”
“Butdoyouwantto?”Helookedatmefinally,hiseyessearching,voiceurgent.“Wouldyou,ifitwasn’tforme?”
Iblinked,unabletotrackthepermutationsofhisthoughts.“Well—yes.IguessifyouandIdidn’thavethis…arrangement…Icouldseemyselfwithhim.”
Whydidthisfeelsopainful?Loganhadgrownintomyfriend,andbesides,I’dbeenwaitingalldayforhishammertodrop,forhimtotellmeweshouldendourfakerelationship.“Whatwereyougoingtotellme?”Iwasdesperatetosegue.“Thatthing,inprivate.Youweregoingtosayourthinghasgottentoocomplicated,right?”
Loganlaughed—acurtsoundthatburstfromhim.Heclosedhiseyes.“No,I…youknowwhat,itdoesn’tmatteranymore.”Whenheopenedhiseyes,mybreathcaughtatthetorrentoffeelingshecouldn’thide.“Canyouexcuseme?”heasked.“Ijustneedaminute.”
Ididn’tevengetachancetorespondbeforehe’dbarreledpastmeoutthedoor.ItshutbehindhimandIstoodaloneintheemptyroom,blinkingatwherehe’dstood,mysurprisethickenoughtoholdoffthedisappointment,butIknewitwasonlyamatteroftime.Soontherewouldbetearsinmyeyes—Icouldneverhelpit.Iloweredmyselfgingerlyonthecornerofthebed,feelingahot,prickingsensationinmyface.
ThenthedoorflewbackopenandLoganstrodein,hishairstickingonendlikehe’dtouchedanelectricalwire.Istartledandgrippedthecomforter.Hestoppedinfrontofme.Howhe’dmanagedtocomebackafteraminutelookinglikehe’dagedayearwasbeyondme.
“ThatnightattheHideaway,”hesaid,voicethick.“Yousaidyouwerelookingforsomethingreal.Thatonceweweredone,youweregoingtotryforit.Well,ifyoufoundit,I’mnotgoingtobeselfishandstandinyourway.”
“Whatareyousaying?”Mythroatfeltlikeitwasclosing.
Heheldmyeyes.“Youshoulddatehim.”
“Butwhatif—”
Heshookhishead.“Ifyougetcaughtandourcoverisblown,I’lldealwiththeconsequences.Youdeservesomethingreal.”Hesmiledbitterly.“That’swhatIwasgoingtosaytoyoutonight.”
Icespreadthroughmychest.
Heswallowed.“I’mgladyouhavesomeone.”Hetwistedtotheside,thenpaused,lookingbackatme.“I’llsleeponthecouchtonightsoyouandWillcan…ifyouwant…”
“No,”Isaidquickly.“Wejuststartedseeingeachother.And—Istilldon’twanttoblowourcover.”
Logannodded.Then,asifhe’dcometoadecision,hetookadeepbreath.Athissides,hishandsflexedagainsthisjeans.“Iwantyoutobehappy,”hesaid.AndbeforeIcouldreact,hesweptoutoftheroom.
Isatforalongtimeonthebed,stillgrippingthecomforter,wonderingwhythosekindwordshadmespinning.29ThisisHappiness,Right?
Threesleeplessnightslater,Irantomyfrontdooratthesoundofknocking,flingingitopentofindWillonmydoorstep,holdingabouquetofpinkroses.Hegrinnedandthrusttheflowersatme.“Theseareforyou.”
Itookthemgingerly,takingcarewiththepetals.“They’rebeautiful.Thankyou.”Ikickedthedooropenwider.“Comein.”
Willbentandgrabbedabrownbagfullofgroceries.“IsitweirdI’mnervoustomeetPatches?BenandIdidn’thavepetsgrowingup.Ihopeshelikesme.”
WhenWillaskedmeoutonaseconddateneartheendofZoeyandAnnie’sbachelorette—whichhadturnedintoalong,torturousweekend—he’dpromisedtocookagain.Sinceouroptionsforprivacywerelimitedandwe’dalreadybeentohisplace,I’dinvitedhimtomine.ThatwasbeforeI’drememberedthathavingcompany—ofthesexyvariety,notpop-insfromZoeyorLee—meantdeepcleaning.LeadingWilltothekitchen,Ilookedaroundandadmiredmyhandiwork.AtleastI’dbeenabletochannelmyanxietyintoasparklingapartment.
“Patchesloveseveryone,”Iassuredhim.“It’spartofhercharm.”Iflungoutmyarms,presentingmykitchen.“Ta-da.It’stiny.Sorry.”
Willslunghisbagofgroceriesonthecounter.“Areyoukidding?Mykitcheninmedschoolwaslikeasinglehotplateonaninchofcounter.Anactualrefrigerator?Pureluxury.”Heduginhisbagandpulledoutablackapron,thentieditbehindhim.“See?I’mapro.”
IbitmylipasIlookedathim.Willwassohandsome,alldarkhairandsharpcheekbones.
“Whyareyougivingmethatlook?”Hismouthquirked.“DoIlooksillyinthisapron?”
Ishookmyhead.“You’rejust…reallygreat.”
Heleaneddownandkissedmeonthecheek,lingeringforabeat.“You’regreat,too,”hesaid.“Fortherecord.”
Somethingwarmandsoftbrushedmylegs.IbentdownandseizedPatches.“Will,meettheladyofthehouse.Patches,meetWill,the…”
“Suitor,”hesupplied.WilltookPatchesfrommecarefullyandheldheragainsthischest,rubbingherears.“Hey,kitty.That’swhatyousay,right?”
“You’reanatural.”Isteppedbackandclearedmythroat.“Doyouneedanyhelp?”
“Nah.”HeputPatchesdownandwavedmeinthedirectionofthelivingroom.“You’retheonewhoactuallywentintoworktoday.I’mnotduebacktothehospitaluntiltomorrowforadoubleshift.Soyourelax.I’llcook.Wanttocueupamovie?I’llhearitfromthekitchen.”
Inarrowedmyeyesathim.
“What?”heasked,pullingoutahandfulofparsleyfromhisgrocerybag.
Islunkinthedirectionofthelivingroomandsatonthecouch,testingtheconceptofrelaxing.“Suspiciouslynice,isall.”
AsWillgotbusywashinghishandsagain,Ipickeduptheremote.Iwasthelasttwenty-somethinginAmericastillpayingforcable,butIlikedtoseemysisteronthenews.Iflippedthroughthechannels:PriceisRightrerun,oldWestern,infomercial,Lee,supermarketgameshow—wait,what?Iflippedbackandturnedupthevolume.
LeestoodoutsideherofficewithahandfulofotherwomenIrecognizedasfellowstatelegislatorsLeewascloseto.NexttoherstoodLogan.
“I’mdelightedtoendorseLoganArthurforgovernor,”Leesaid.“Asaremycolleaguesinthewomen’scaucus.WhileIhaverespectforGovernorManeandthewayswe’veworkedtogether,IbelieveLoganrepresentsthefutureofTexas.Foranyvotersstillonthefence,here’smypitch:youmaynothaveexpectedtheperfectfittocomeintheshapeofasharp-tonguedthirty-three-year-oldpolicywonkwho’sasathomeinthehallsofCambridgeasheisonafarminOdejo,butthat’sthebeautyoflife,isn’tit?Sometimestheunexpectedthingistherightthing.Andthat’sLoganArthurinanutshell.”
“IsthatLeeendorsingLogan?”Willcalled.“GuessherrelationshipwithGovernorManeisover.”
Icouldn’tspeakbecauseitfeltlikeaboulderwassittingonmyheart.“Icouldn’tbemoregratefulforSenatorStone’sendorsement,”Logansaid,“ortheendorsementsfromherfellowsenatorsinthewomen’scaucus.”He’dsmiledpolitelythroughLee’swords,andnowheofferedthecamerathatsamecongeniallook.ButIcouldseethroughtheperformance.Therewasnolightinhiseyes.Hiswordswereroteandhollow
“Pasta’scookingforafewminutes,”Willsaid,floppingdownnexttome.“GoodforLoganforgettingthisendorsement.Underneaththeshortfuse,addictiontoswearing,andcompetitivedrivethatatonepointmademesuspecthelegitimatelywantedtokillme,heseemedlikeaprettyniceguy.”
Iforcedmyeyesawayfromthescreen,takinginWill,Patches,andthesteamplumesfromthepastainthekitchen.Thiscozyscenewasunfoldingrighthere,rightnow,forreal.Itwasn’tafiction.IhadeverythingIwanted:ahandsomedate,acat,friends,athingIwasdoingwithmylifeIcouldbeproudof.Sowhydidn’titfeelenough?WhydidthemeresightofLoganon-screenmakemefeellikemyheartwastoolargeformychesttocontainit?
“Wanttostartthatmovie?”Willasked.“Host’schoice.”
MaybeI’dgottensousedtoaching—sousedtowanting,tolonging—thatnowIcouldn’tturnitoff.Maybeunhappinesshadbecomelikeaworn-outarmchair,aplaceI’dgrowncomfortableandfamiliarwith.MaybethelastbadhabitIneededtobreakwasmyinabilitytofeelsatisfied.
“Luckyforyou,”Isaid,“host’schoicemeansThePrincessBride.”AndwiththefeelingthatIwasmakingprogress,IpressedthebuttonandturnedLoganoff.30AlltheWorld’saStage
“RememberthoseperksIpromisedyou?”Nora,resplendentinabrightredballgown,slippedaglovedarmthroughmine.“Well,welcometoheaven.Otherwiseknownasthethirty-fifthannualFriendsofTexasblack-tiegala.”
“Wow,”Iwhispered,cantingmyheadtotakeintheenormityofthemansion.Thewhitestoneturretspracticallyglowedintheeveningair,andorchestramusicswelledfrominsideasmenintuxedosandwomeningownsstrodeupthestaircase.“It’sbeautiful.”
“Someofthemostimportantpeopleinthestatearehere,”Norasaid.“It’satraditionbeforeeveryelection.Allthebigwigsmeettosizeupthecandidates.Ourpollnumbersareclimbingback,soeveryone’sgoingtowanttokissLogan’sringincasehebecomesthenextgovernor.They’llwantleverageforfuturefavors.”
“Soundshighpressure.”Icouldn’tstoplookingatthesprawlingmanor,theclosestthingtoacastleI’dseeninreallife.“WhatdoIneedtoknow?What’smyangle?Prepme.”
“Actually.”Hervividredlipsspreadintoasmile.“Tonight,you’rejustgoingtositbackandenjoythesuckingup.”
Wepickeduptheskirtsofourgownsandascendedthestairstowardtheglowingentrance.“YourealizethisisLogan’snightmare,don’tyou?”Ismiledatapassingmanwhonoddedsodeeplyhepracticallybowed.“Gettingcomplimentedforhoursisgoingtosendhimthroughtheroof.”
Norarolledhereyesastheushersatthefrontdoorscheckedournamesandsweptusinside.“Figuresmineistheonepoliticianinthecountrywithoutapraisekink.”
Ipattedherarmsympatheticallyandturnedtotakeitallin.Insidewasevenmorebeautifulthanoutside.Westoodatthetopofatallstaircase,upholsteredinredcarpet,whichledtoanenormousballroom.Ornatechandeliershungfromthehighceilings,andpeoplewerespreadthick,fillingeverycorneroftheroom,interspersedwithwaiterscarryingtraysofchampagneandhorsd’ouevres.Massiveoilpaintings,thekindthatbelongedinmuseums,coveredthewalls.
“Excuseme?”askedawomanwhowasdrippingwithdiamonds.“AreyouAlexisStone?”
IlookedatNoraasifIneededhertoconfirm.“Um,yes?”
“OhmyGod,”thewomangushed.“YouandLoganmakethesweetestcouple.Andthewayyou’restandingupforpublicschoolteachers—mychildrengotoprivateschoolbuttheiraupairwantedtobeateacheruntilsheheardhowlittletheymake.ShehadtobecomeanInstagrammodelinstead.Itwastragic.Whatyou’redoingissoimportant.”
“Thankyou?”Noideawhyeverythingwascomingoutaquestion.
Norasmiledstifflyatthewoman.“Thanksforyoursupport.I’msureAlexisandLoganwillbehappytospeakmoretoyoulateroncethey’resettled.”Thenshetuggedmedownthestairs.
“Youweren’tkiddingaboutthesuckingup,”Iwhispered.“IthinkIcouldgetusedto…”Itrailedoff.Loganstoodinthecenterofthethickestcrowd,wearingaclassicblack-and-whitetuxedothatfithimsowellitlookedlikehe’dbeenbornwearingit.Henoddedtosomeoneandtookasipofhisdrink—atumbler,soitwaswhiskey.Hishairwascarefullystyled,histen-o’clockshadowperfectlyshapedtoaccentuatethecutofhisjaw.Hissmilewaspolite,butaboveit,hisdarkeyesdanced,sizingupthepeoplearoundhim,makingquickcalculations.ThiswasLogantheachiever,formalandformidable.Hewasdevastating.I’dneverbeenabletopicturehimatHarvardsoclearly,occupyingthoseornate,storiedspaceswherepresidentsandjusticesoncewalked.Hebelongedhereinatuxedoasmuchashebelongedonafarmoratarally.Ifeltitinmybones:hiscomplexity,thelayersofhim.Whyhewassoendlesslyfascinating.Hemightprotestordemur,butIsawthetruthofhim.
Hetookanothersipandhiseyesdriftedtothestaircase,findingmyfaceasifdrawnbyamagnet.Myheartskipped.Hegavemethesmallestsmile—notflashyortoothybutwarmandintimate,alookthatwasonlyforme.
Heatrushedthroughme.Itfeltlikeathousandpoundsliftedoffmychest.Ifhewassmilingatme,thenwewereokay,despitehowwe’dleftthingsinFredericksburg.IsqueezedNora’sarmwithoutthinking.
“Hecleansupwell,”shesaid,tracingmystare.“I’llgivehimthat.Comeon,it’salmosttimefordinner.Someofthesepeoplepaidmorethantenthousanddollarsforthehonorofsittingatyourtable.”
AllthoughtsofLoganinatuxfledasNoratrailedaway.“Theydidwhat?”Iscreeched,andscamperedafterher.
“Andhere’sthemanofthehour,”boomedthetallfinanciersittingoppositeme.EveryoneatthetableturnedtolookasLoganstrodetowardusacrossthediningroom,whichwassmallerthantheballroombutjustasornate,theceilingshighandpaintedwithRenaissance-stylefrescoes.Tomysurprise,everyguestrosetotheirfeet—thefinancierandhiswife,thewindfarmownerandherwife,andtheelderlyheiressandherhusband,whoI’dactuallythoughtwasasleepoverhissoupbowl.IfollowedNora’sleadandscrambledup,shovingmychairback.
“Oh,Jesus,sitdown,”Logangrowled.“I’mnotthebloodykingofEngland.”Nevertheless,heseizedthefinancier’shandandworkedhiswayaroundthetable,greetingeveryonewithenthusiasm.Theelderlyheiresswouldn’tletgoofhishand,givingLoganmooneyesherhusbandseemedeitherunawareoforunbotheredby.
Loganfinallyextractedhimselfandfoundhisseatbesideme.Hecuppedawarmhandtomyfaceingreetinganddrewmeclose.“Thisokay?”hebreathed,andwhenInodded,hekissedmeonthecheek.“Youlookbeautiful,”hewhispered.
I’dbalkedattheideaofthecampaignbuyingmeagown,soI’dborrowedadressfromLee.Ithappenedtobeforestgreen,myfavoritecolor.“Thankyou.”
“IneverrealizedhowmuchIlovedthecolorgreenuntilImetyou,”hesaidquietly,andmyheartraced.We’reinpublic,Iremindedmyself.Performing.
“Well,asmuchasyouhateblacktie,youpullitoff.”Iswallowed.“Well.”
“Ifeellikeapenguin,”hewhispered,browneyesshining.
“Youtwoarethemostdeliciouscouple,”crowedtheheiress.“IfollowallthegossipblogsandIcouldjusteatyouup.CanI?Justalittletaste?”Sheburstintoraucouslaughter.
Logangaveheratightsmileandgraspedmychair,waitingformetosit.“I’mafraidwe’reoff-menu,Mrs.Vandergriff.”
Thatonlymadeherlaughmorewickedly.ClockingVandergriff,Inoted.Loud.Interestborderingonprurient.
Onceweweresettledandwaitersappearedatourelbowsofferingnotonlyredwine,butwhitewineandchampagne—IstifledasquealthattheexactsamescenehadoccurredinThePrince’sSecret—talkatthetableturnedtotheeconomyandIgavemyselfpermissiontocheckout.Iletmyeyeswanderoverthesaladcourse,takinginthebeautyofthetoweringfloralarrangements.Thisplacewouldmakeawonderfulsettingforachildren’sbook—maybeaboutagroupofspunkyorphansgrowingupinacastletogether.Theywouldbegivenamissiontosavetheworldfromabrawnyevilvillainwho,inmyimagination,lookedremarkablylikeGovernorMane.
Logangentlybrushedmyelbowwhenourentreesarrived:abeautifulroastchickenforme,mushroomrisottoforhim.“So,”hemurmured.“How’sDr.Laderman?”
Istudiedhisface,lookingforahintofanger,butheonlyworeasmile.BehindhiseyeswasthatemotionIcouldsensebutnotname.
“Fine,”Isaidcautiously.“We’rebeingcarefulaboutstayingprivate.”
Logannodded,eyesdroppingtomyhandsinmylap.IrealizedIwasfidgetingandstilled.
“Ilovewatchingyoutwotogether,”Mrs.Vandergriffburst,interruptingapointthefinancierhadbeenmakingaboutthemarket.“YouremindmeoftheselittledollsIhadwhenIwasachild.MummyhadthemshippedinformefromAustria.Iusedtomakethemkissandhavelittleweddings.”
Yikes.UpgradingMrs.Vandergrifffromprurienttooffherrocker.MaybegrowingupsowealthyyoucouldhavedollsflowninfromAustriadidthattoaperson.
“Thanks,”Logangrunted,lookinganythingbutthankful.
“Iwanttoseeyoukiss,”Mrs.Vandergriffpouted.
“Oh,no,”Isaid.“Wedon’t—noPDA.”
Thefinancierclearedhisthroatandlaunchedbackintohissubject.NoraleanedovertoLoganandme.“Benice,”shehissed.“Thatwomanisamega-donor.”
Logangrittedhisteeth,butIgulped.ThelastthingIneededtodowasputLogan’scampaigninanymorejeopardy.“Rogerthat,”IwhisperedtoNora,andshebackedoff.
“How’veyoubeensincethebachelorette?”Loganwhispered.“Wemissedyouatthelaststrategymeeting.”
“Oh,please,justonekiss,I’mbegging,”Mrs.Vandergriffcalled,butIpretendednottohear.
“NorasaidIcouldskipit.Ihad…plans.”Iswallowedguiltily.ThathadbeenthenightofmyseconddatewithWill.
ItseemedLogancouldreadthetruthinmyeyes.“Right.Ofcourse.”
“Onemeaslykissforanoldwoman,”saidMrs.Vandergriff,liftingheremptychampagneglassforarefill.
Logangaveheranotherforcedsmile,shakinghishead.“I’mnotamarionette,Mrs.Vandergriff.Idon’tdanceforcoins.”
“Logan,”Norawarned.
“Thisroastchickenisdelicious,”Isaid,forcingcheeriness.“Anyoneelselovingit?”
Loganturnedbacktome.“Youdon’twanttotakeastepback,doyou?”Hestudiedmyface.“Imean,fromthecampaign.”
“ThesignatureArthurgruffness,”Mrs.Vandergriffswooned,soloudshestartledeveryoneexceptherhusband,whoseupperliptrembledashesoftlysnored.“WhatIwouldn’tgivetobefiftyyearsyounger—”
“Oh,forGod’ssake,”Logansnapped.ThewholetablestilledandNora’seyesflewopeninhorror.“Onemore—”
Iseizedhisfaceandkissedhim.
IcouldfeelmyownsurpriseatwhatI’ddonemirroredbackatmethroughLogan.Foranagonizingsecond,hewasfrozen.IstartedtopullbackuntilIheardthefaintestgrowl,thesoundcomingfromlowinhisthroat,frustrationordesire,Icouldn’ttell.AndthenLogancuppedmyfaceandpulledmecloser.Hekissedmelikehewasastarvedman,twininghisfingersinmyhair,tuggingmetowardhimwithsuchurgencyIpracticallytippedoutofmychair.Inamomentofrecklessness,Ireturnedhiskissjustasfiercely,wantingnothingmorethanforthisbubbleoftimetolast.Fiction,Itoldmyself.Onlyaconvincingfiction.
Loganwrenchedawayfromme,breathingheavy,hiseyessearchingmineandthenflickingaroundthetable.OnlythendidIlookatouraudience.Ourquiet,stunnedaudience.
“There’syourdamnkiss,Mrs.Vandergriff.”Loganshovedawayfromthetable.“Nowpleaseexcuseme.”
Thewholetablewatchedhimstalkthroughthediningroom.
“Oh,my,”drawledMrs.Vandergriff,puttingahandtoherchest.“That’sdefinitelythemanIwanttowatchforfouryearsinthegovernor’soffice.”
“Sorry,”IwhisperedtoNora,whowaslookingatmelikeshe’dneverseenmebefore.“I’llberightback.”IgatheredmyballgownandmovedasquicklyasIcouldinthedirectionLoganhadfled.
Racingoutofthediningroom,Icaughthimcuttingacrosstheemptyballroom.“Logan,wait!”
Hestiffened,thenturned.
“What’swrong?”Iclosedtheremainingdistance,skirtstillclutchedinmyhands.“IwasjusttryingtogetMrs.Vandergriffoffourbacks.”
Hisvoicewaslowanddark.“Itrynottokisswomenwhoareinrelationships.”
“Oh,please.WillandIhavebeenontwodates.I’dhardlycallthatarelationship.”
“Ithoughtkissingeachotherwasagainsttherules.AmItheonlypersonwhocaneverrememberthedamnrules?”
“Youhaterules,”Isaidhotly,feelingaflushcreepupmyneck.“Everyoneknowsthat.”
“ButIfollowthem,”heburst.“You’reright,Idohatethem.Theyhurt.HoldingmyselfbackmakesmefeellikeI’mdyinginside.ButIdoit,Alexis.Ikeepmyselfincheck.AndifIdofuckup,Itrytomakeitright.”Theheatdrainedfromhisvoice.“Idon’twanttomakemistakes.Notwithyou.Thisistooimportant.”
Thewayhewaslookingatmewascharged,andsuddenlyIdidn’tknowwhathewastalkingabout.Meandhiscampaign?Thetwoofusappealingtovoters?Thetwoofus…?
“Mr.Arthur,sir,”cameavoice.“Wewerejustabouttofindyouforyourdance.”
Weturnedtothemanwearingadiscreteheadset,eyeingusexpectantly.
“Ughhh.”Loganclosedhiseyesandcantedhisfacetotheceiling.“Whyareyoutorturingme?”Heopenedhiseyesandgavethemanaforcedsmile.“Ofcourse.Whendoesitstart?Oh,now?Perfect.”Heturnedtome.“I’mguessingNoradidn’ttellyouwe’resupposedtoopentheballroomdancingportionoftheevening?”
“Shesaidtherewerenoexpectations!”Icouldfeelmycheeksheating.“Iwould’veprepared.I’mfine,”Ireassuredthemanintheheadset,whowaswatchingmewithalarm.“I’mgoingtodie,”IwhisperedtoLogan,oncethemanscamperedaway.
“Don’tworry.Justfollowmylead.”
“Youknowhowtodance?”
“OfcourseIknowhowtodance.I’mapoorkidfromafarmingtown.Iwasn’tgoingtogivepeopleanotherthingtosneerat.”
Theorchestrasettledonthemezzanine,theperfectdistancesoguestscouldhearthemwithoutbeingoverwhelmedbythemusic.They’dbeabletoseeusthroughthewide-openFrenchdoorsseparatingtheballroomfromthediningroom.Neartheorchestra,themanintheheadsetmotionedatLoganandmetocometogether.
Logantookadeepbreathandheldouthishand.Therewasaquestioninhiseyes,andforawildmoment,itfeltlikehewasaskingforsomethingbiggerthanadance.Ilaidmyhandinhisandheplacedhisotheronmywaist.“Putyourhandonmyarm,”hesaidquietly.“MirrorwhatIdo.TakethestepsItake—”
“Don’tcrossanylinesyoudon’tcross,”Iquipped.
Theghostofasmile.“Notunlessyouwanttofallapartinfrontofeveryone.”
ThattimeIknewhemeantsomethingbiggerthandancing.Igrippedhisarmandtheorchestrastarted,violinstringsquivering,sendingstirring,hopefulnotesintotheair.Loganlaunchedintomotion,pullingmewithhimacrossthefloor,andIheardtheshiftingsoundsofthedinersturningintheirseatstowatch.Forawhile,ittookallmyfocustoconcentrateonLogan’sglidingfeetandmirrorhismovements,thoughwithhishandfirmaroundmywaist,andthestrengthandsurenessofhissteps,Ifeltcertainhewouldn’tletmefalter.AfterawhileIcaughtontotherhythmandrelaxed,straighteningmyshouldersandactuallylisteningtothemusic.Ithadmovedfromhopefultoswellinganddramatic.
Logannoticedmyrelaxingandfrowned.“I’msorry,”hesaidquietly.
Iraisedmyeyebrowsashesweptmeinacircle.
“Iknownoneofthishasbeeneasyonyou.Everythingthecampaignhasaskedyoutodo—it’sbeenalot.Butwe’renearingthefinishline.Theelection’sonlyafewweeksaway.”Hesteeledhimself.“IfIwin,ItoldmyteamtojumpintoPhaseTwoimmediately.”
“PhaseTwo?”
Hedroppedhisheadlower,andpulledmeincloser.“Seedingthegroundforourpublicbreakup.Ofcourse,ifIlosetheelection,noonewillcareaboutmeanymore,soourbreakupwon’tevenbenews.”Helookeddown.“Inthatcase,feelfreetodumpmeimmediately.Peoplewillprobablycheeryouformovingontothegooddoctor.”
There—anoteofbitterness,rightattheend.BeforeIcouldsayanything,Loganchargedon.“Eitherway,thesilverliningisthatyou’vebuiltcapital,notoriety.Youcanuseithoweveryouwant.Keeprallyingforteachers.Runforaunionposition.Startanonprofit.Thesky’sthelimitforyou.”
Thatinfernalquestionagain:WhatdidIwant?IheardLee’svoiceinmyhead,tellingmetostopsittingonthesidelinesanddosomethinggutsy.That’swhateveryonehadalwayswantedfromme.Theorchestramusicswelled,tragicandbeautiful,andthenotespulledbackmemories.Iduckedmyhead,pressingmytempletoLogan’sshoulder.Icouldseemyselfatthirteen,shyandgawkyandheartbrokenbymyparents’divorce,buttryingtohideit.BecauseLee—seventeen-year-oldLee—wassoangry,andtherewasn’troomfortwoofus.
Foryearsshe’drefusedtoseeortalktoourfather,andthatscaredme.Icouldn’tforgetwhatmymothertoldmethatnightaloneinherbedroom,thatmyfatherleftbecauseshe’dstoppedbeingwhatheneeded.TherealizationthatfamilywasasfragileasglassmademeheartsickthatLee’sbehaviorwouldpushmyfatherevenfurtheraway,thatshe’dlosehimforallofus.Idideverythinginmypowertobalanceherout,spendingtimewithourdadwhenLeeshunnedhim,reassuringhimIlovedhimwhenherangerwasatitssharpest.Ifeltthepressureofholdingmyfamilytogetherlikeaweightonmyshoulderseveryday.
Astheyearspassed,IburiedmyownfeelingsofangeranddisappointmentsoIcouldkeepmyfather’slove.Iwenttohishouseeveryholidayandmadenicewithhisnewwife,Michelle.Isaidyestoeveryinvitation,calledhim,textedhim,hunghisChristmascardsonthecorkboardinmyroom.Fromthirteentotwenty-three,Itriedsohardtobeaccommodating,tobetheglue.
IcouldremembersettlingintoachairnexttoDad’satLee’scollegegraduation,anorchestraplayingsweeping,swellingmusic,justlikethemusictonight.Leehadrefusedtoacknowledgeourfather’spresenceyetagain,andIknewthatunlessIsatwithhim,hewouldbealone.Iwantedsomuchfornoneofustohurt.
WhenLee’snamewascalledandshestrodeacrossthestage,thewayhelookedather.Thepaininhiseyes.Icouldfeelhimslippingaway—notjustfromherbutfromme—andtherewasnothingIcoulddotostopit,nomatterhowaffectionateIwas,nomatterhowIcontortedmyselftobewhatheneeded.Whentheceremonywasover,hedisappearedwithafewgruffwords,andforweeksitwasstrainedbetweenus.Thingseventuallygotmorenormal,butIcouldn’thelpbutfeelanewdistancebetweenus,oneIwasn’teverabletomend.BecausetheyearafterIgraduatedfromcollege,heleftinthemostpermanentwayapersoncould,hislifestolenbyacaraccident.DespitehowhardI’dworkedtokeephim,tokeepsomesemblanceofourfamilytogether,intheendIfailed.
Theviolinstrembledtheirfinalquietnotes,mournfulandresigned,andapplausesoundedfromthediningroom.Logan’sstepsslowed,butIshookmyheadandpressedmyfaceintohisjacket.Tearsspilleddownmycheeks.Icouldn’tletanyoneseemelikethis.“I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhy…”Myvoicebroke.“Myfather…”
Hishandmovedfrommywaisttothebackofmyhead,clutchingmetighter.Astheorchestrabegantheirnextsong,Loganpressedhislipsintomyhairandwhispered,“Asmanysongsasyouneed.”31ForcesofNature
WhenIwokeMondaymorningtoanNPRreportofaseverethunderstormwarningforTravisCounty,Ilayinbedandsmiled,thinkingofLeeandLoganintheirhouses,laughingattheweather.Itremainedwildandwindyallday,treebranchesbeatingagainstthelibrarywindows,drivingthestudentsinsideatlunchtime.Theymostlyholedupinthecafeteria,butafewtrickledinandoutofthelibrary.Thethunderstormmademecontemplative—rainwastheperfectbackgroundforreading,andasIreshelvedbooks,mymindroamed.Iwonderedwhatitwouldfeelliketoseeabookwithmynameonitonalibraryshelf.Ihadn’tbeenabletostopreplayingmyconversationwithLoganaboutwritingachildren’sbook.Itseemedlikeanearlyimpossiblethingtoturnadreamlikethatintosomethingreal,butI’dbeendoingsomeimpossiblethingslately,so…whatif?
Iwasidlyimaginingaplotwhenanalarmpiercedtheair,high-pitchedandurgent,asoundthatcamefromthewalls.Ijoltedfromthebookshelfandlookedupatthem,asifexpectingthewallstoexplainthemselves.Strangely,theydid.
“Thisisatornadowarning,”atinnyvoicesaidthroughtheloudspeaker.“Staff,pleasegatherstudentsandshelterinplaceuntilfurthernotice.”
Atornado?We’dpreppedforthepossibility,buttornadoeswererare,especiallyinthefall.SuddenlyLee’sandLogan’swarningsaboutclimatechangedidn’tseemlikesomethingtolaughabout.
Mytrainingkickedinasthealarmkeptfiring.Irushedoutoftheaisleandtookstockofmylibrary.Iwasalonetoday,Murieloffforadentistappointment,buttheroomlookedfairlyempty.“Students,”Icalled,tryingtokeepmyvoicecalmandauthoritative.“Ineedeveryoneinthelibrarytopleasecomefindme.”
IsweptthroughbookshelvesandcameupontheBeanbagCranny—therewasSable,curledinthesquishiestchair,lookingstricken.“Comeon,Sable.Weneedtofindasafeplace.”
Shejerkedherheadno.
“Ihavetoinsist,”Icalled,voiceraisedoverthealarm,myhandsonmyhips.
“Ms.Stone,I’mhere.”Mildredappeared,clutchingacopyofOonaBattlestheMonstersoftheRainbowRavine.“Whereshouldwego?”
“Stayrightthere,”Isaid,andcrouchedtomeetSable’seyes.“Hey,”Isaidgently.“Everythingisgoingtobeokay.Look.”IpointedbacktoMildred.“It’lljustbeyou,me,andMildred.We’regoingtobefine.”
SablelookedatMildred,whowaitedpatiently.“Sheisn’tscared?”
“Shemightbe,butsheknowsthebestthingtodoisshelterinplace.Soshe’sbeingbrave.Youcanbe,too.”
“Okay,”Sablewhispered.IhelpedherupandwescurriedbacktoMildred.Iledthemtoatinyclosettuckedawayinthecornerofthelibrary,farfromanywindows.Leavingthem,Ididonemoresweepofthelibrary,satisfyingmyselfthatitwasempty,thendashedbacktothecloset,creakingthedoorclosed.TheminuteIsatdownnexttothegirls,agreatwailingnoisesounded,fartherawaybutmoremonstrousthanthetornadoalarm.Itsoundedliketheverywallsweregroaning.
“Whatdowedo?”Sablewasshaking.
“Ihaveabook,”Mildredsaidquietly.“Wecouldreadit.Butit’s…about…”
“It’sanOonatheunicornbook,”Isaid,whenitbecameclearMildredwastooembarrassedtofinish.“It’sanaward-winningseries,youknow.That’sveryniceofyoutoshare,Mildred.”
SableandMildredeyedeachotherinthedimlylitspace.
“Okay,”Sablewhispered.Fearseemedtohavestolenherbluster.
IgotoutmyphoneandturnedtheflashlightonsoMildredcouldreadthestoryaloudtoSable.Minutespassed,thenhalfanhour,withMildred’ssoftvoicebattlingagainstthesoundsofafreighttraincomingfromoutside.Atonepoint,somethingwrenchedandcrashed,andallthreeofusjumped,grippingeachother.ButasMildredcametotheendofchapterthree,thenoisefromoutsidefadedanddied,leavinganeeriequiet.Nowind,noalarms.
“Chapterfour,”Mildredintoned,andthenPrincipalZimmerman’svoicecutheroff.
“Attentionstaffandstudents.Thetornadohaspassedandwe’recleartomoveagain.I’maskingallstafftobringstudentstothecafeteriaforaheadcount.Studentswillremainthereuntilourgroundcrewassessesdamages.”Theloudspeakerclickedoff.
Irosetomyfeetandhelpedthegirlsup.“Lookatthat,we’reallokay.”Ipattedthemontheback.“I’mproudofyoubothforbeingsobrave.Comeon,Ibetthey’reservingsnacksinthecafeteria.”
“WillyoukeepreadingOona?”SableaskedMildred.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dheardthequeenofsixthgradesoundshy.
“Here,”Mildredsaid,offeringthebook.“Youcanborrowit.”Shelookedupatme.“Isthatagainsttherules,Ms.Stone?I’vegotitcheckedoutforanotherweek.”
“It’sperfectlyfine,”Isaid,unabletohidemysmile.
AfterIdroppedthegirlsoffwiththeirhomeroomleadersinthecafeteria,Iwasjustsettlingintotheteachers’table,readytospeculateaboutwhatthegiantcrashhadbeen,whenIrealizedI’dleftmyphonebackinthelibrarycloset.
“Shit,”Imuttered,leapingfromthetable.“Oh,sorry,”Isaid,attherowofsurprisedfaces.“Badhabit.”Loganandhisswearing.
Idashedbackdownthehalltothelibraryandduckedinsidethecloset,grabbingmyphoneandstuffingitinmypocket.SinceIwashere,itwouldbeusefultodoaninventoryofdamage.IwasabouttosweepthebookshelveswhenIsensedquickmotion.
Iturnedtofacethelibrary’sdoubledoorsjustastheyflewopen.Loganstreakedthrough.Helookedlikehe’drunacrosstheentirecity.Hisnavysuitwasdisheveled,histieaskew,hisfacesweatyandstricken.Worryradiatedfromhim.
Hesawmeandhisfacecrumpledinrelief.Tomyastonishment,heseizedme,wrappinghisarmsaroundmeandclutchingmetohim.Iblinkedintohisshoulder,cheekpressedagainstthesmoothwoolofhissuit,feelingtherapidthumpofhisheart.Ipulledback.“Logan—whatintheworld?”
HegrippedmyfacelikeheneededtomakesureIwasreal.“IwasinameetingwiththewindfarmpeoplewhenCarycameinandsaidatornadohadrippedthroughthecityandhityourschool,andnooneknewtheextentofthedamage.”
“Wait—youleftyourdonormeeting?”
“AllIcouldthinkwas,whatifsomethinghappenedtoyou?Whatifyouwerehurt?Iraneverystopsign.”Hewasstillbreathingheavy,hischestrisingandfalling.Isteppedbackfromhim,halfoutofsurprise,halfoutofaninstincttogivehimroomtobreathe.
Hepressedahandtohismouth.“Butyou’refine.Ioverreacted.”Heyankedhishandaway,warmbrowneyessearching.“You’refine,right?”
Inoddedmutely.IfeltlikeI’dsteppedintoanalternatereality.WasLoganreallyhereinmylibrary,undonebythethoughtthatIwasindanger?
“Okay.”Hemirroredmynodding.“Allright.”Hewastryingtocomposehimself,repeatingwordslikeaself-soothingmantra,buttherewasstillawildnessabouthim.Helookedlikeamanontheedge,andthatmadeithardtodoanythingbutstare.LoganArthurwasalwaysincontrol,evenwhenhewaspushingboundaries.
“Thetornadopassedrightbyus,”Isaid.“Itsoundedlikeitroughedupsomeofthebuildings,buteveryoneisfine.Ipromise.”Igestureddownatmyself.“Look.Allinonepiece.”
“Yes.Good.”Henoddedagainandthenshookhishead,laughingalittle.“I’manidiot.I’llletyougetbacktoyourday.”
Ifeltasuddenpangatthethoughtofhimleaving.“It’sokay.It’ssweet.”
Hewavedmeoff,stillshakinghishead,andbeforeIcouldsayanythingmore,heturnedandpacedaway,shovingopenthedoorstothelibraryanddisappearing.Itbecameveryquiet.Thedoorsstillswinginggentlyinhiswakeweretheonlyproofhe’dblownthroughhereanditwasn’tafeverdream.
Iremainedrootedtothefloor,mindracing.Loganhadbeensoworriedaboutmehe’dwalkedoutinthemiddleofadonormeeting.He’dburstintothelibrarylookinglikeamanabouttolosehismind.Itseemedtooextremeareactionforcolleaguesorevenfriends—
Thedoubledoorsflewopenagain.“Ican’ttakethisanymore.”Loganstrodethrough.Hewasstillshakinghishead,butthistimehelookeddetermined,notashamed.“Fucktherules.”Hissuddenpresence,thesingle-mindedfocusinhiseyes—itwassostrongItookastepback.Hecamewithinreachingdistanceandstopped,handsgrippedbyhissides,asifhewasrestraininghimself.Hispulsebeatvisiblyinhisthroatashiseyessearchedmyface.“Please.”Hisvoicewasrough.Thevoiceofamanattheendofhisrope.“Pleaseletmekissyou.”
TheflameofattractionI’dheldatbaysincethenightattheFleurdeLis—thelustsointenseitwasunprecedented,theacheIcarriedeverywhere,tryingsohardtoignore—unleashed,flaringwhite-hot.AllIcoulddowasnod,overwhelmedbyhowmuchandhowquicklyIwanted,thewellofitsodeepandobviousthemomentIlookedforit.
Itwasalltheanswerheneeded.Heclosedthedistanceandcaughtmyface,kissingmesofiercelyIliftedtomytoestomeethim.Liketheyalwaysdidaroundhim,myinhibitionsdisappeared.Hislipsweresowarmandsoft.Ialmostlaughedmarvelingthatamanasgruffashimcouldkisslikethis,sotenderly,makingmefeellikeIwastheonlypersononearthwhomattered.Imeteachstrokeofhishandsandhistonguewiththefervorofapersonwho’dwantedthisathousandtimes,acrossathousandmoments.Whenhefinallywrenchedawayandlookedatmeinwonder,Iwhisperedhisname,inawethatwe’dkissedforus—notforshow.Whatdiditmean?WhatdidIwantittomean?
Hemisunderstoodme,thinkingIwasadmonishinghim.“Iknow,”hesaidhuskily.Hekissedmeontheforehead.“Wecan’tcrosslines.I’msorry.Itwon’thappenagain.”Hepressedahandoverhismouthandturnedtoleave.ThefinaldambrokeinsidemeandIgrabbedhisarm,twistinghimbacktome.“No.Stay.”
Helookedatmyhand.Thenatmyface,throughdowncastlashes.IsawtheexactmomentheunderstoodwhatIwanted.Hehadmeupagainstthestacksquickly,catchingmymouthwithhis,handscuppingmyjaw.Hekissedmefeverishly,nearlygrowlingwhenItiltedmyheadforabetterangle.
Iknewhowhefelt.Allreasonfled:IwantedasmuchofhimasIcouldget,ashewouldgiveme.Ipulledathistie,atthebuttonsofhisshirt,turningintoaversionofmyselfIdidn’trecognize,mydesiresopowerfulIwasnearlyferal.Iwasdesperatetotaketheedgeofftheachebetweenmylegs,andLoganseemedtoknow.HeliftedmeagainstthebookshelfandIwrappedmylegsaroundhimuntiltherewasonlythesilkofmypantiesandthewoolofhissuitseparatingmefromtherock-hardevidenceofhisdesire.Irolledmyhips,gaspingatthehot-wiresensation,feelingthebookshelfwobble.Logangroanedinmyearandgroundagainstme,followingmylead,matchingmyrhythm.
AllIcouldthinkaboutwasgettingclosertohim,sinkingdeeperintothefeelingbuildinginsideme.Ihadneverbeensoturnedoninmylife.
Thenavoicesoundedfromthehallwayandwefroze.Inthedruggedhazeofkissing,I’dcompletelyforgottenwherewewere.
Loganpressedhisforeheadtomineandshuthiseyes,takingadeepbreath.“Talkaboutthislater?”
Inodded,andhereleasedme,settingmegentlyonmyfeet.Thenheturnedandstrodeoutofthelibrary,clearinghisthroatandreadjustinghissuitashewalked.Icouldhearhimcallatersehellotosomeoneandthenhisfootstepsfaded,leavingmealonewithmyheartandmythoughts,bothracing.32FullHearts
NoteventhirtyminutesafterIgothomefromschool,Iheardthenow-familiarsoundofmyfrontdoorswingingopen.“SOSreceived!”RapidfootstepsechoedfromthehallandthenZoeystoodpeeringdownatme.“WhyareyoustrewnonthecouchlikesomeVictorianaristocratwhocaughtthevapors?”
IremovedthearmI’dflungovermyface.“BecauseI’mdy—wait.Whyisyourhairandmakeupsofancy?”Zoey’smermaidhairfelloverhershouldersinmoviestarringlets,herlipswerealovelymauve,andwhensheblinked,thetipsofherfauxlasheshitherbrowbone.Shelookedlikeamagazinecoverstar.
Shewinkedatherreflectioninthehallmirror.“Icamestraightfrommyhairandmakeuptrial.”
Isatup,sendingPatchesleapingfrommychest.“Oh,Zo,youlookgorgeous.Doyouneedanyhelpwithweddingstuff?It’srightaroundthecorner—”
“Stopitrightthere.”Sheshookherhead.“Don’tdothatthingwhereyouburyyourproblemsandfocusonotherpeople.You’rethemaincharactertoday.Nowtellmewhat’sup?”
Iwiltedagainstthecouchandthrewmyarmbackovermyface.“Logankissedme.”
“Ahh!”Shesankdownnexttomyfeet.“Wait—aperformancekissorarealkiss?”
“Real.Maybetherealestofmylife.Ididn’tevenknowitcouldfeellikethat.”Beforethisafternooninthelibrary,thefirstnightImetLoganwould’vegonedownasmyhottestexperience.But…well,Iknewhimbetternow.Theelectricattractionwasstillthere,whateveritwasabouthimandhispheromonesthatcalledmybodytoattention,butnowitwasmagnifiedtenfold.Everyactionhadweight.Becauseitwasn’tjustsomeattractivestrangerkissingme—itwasLoganLoganslidinghishandsintomyhairlikehecouldn’tgetmecloseenough.MaybeIwasdifferentfromLeeandherfriends,whowereabletoenjoyaone-night-standwithahotstranger.Maybeittookanemotionalconnectiontoreallyturnmeon.
Themomentthethoughtenteredmyhead,somanythingsclickedintoplace:whysexwithChrisTuttlehadneverbeengreat,especiallyafterhecheatedandourconnectionwasthinandfragile;whymyattemptsatthekindsofcasualhookupsotherpeoplewerecapableofalwaysfizzled.Maybeitwasn’tamatterofshyness,aroadblockIneededtoovercome:maybeitwasjustapartofwhatmadememe.
Zoeyswoonedovermylegs.“I’vebeenwaitingforthismomentsincedayone.Itoldyouhelovesyou!Ilovebeingright.”
“OhmyGod,Zoey,hedoesn’tloveme.Idon’tknowhowhefeels,actually.”Istaredupattheceiling.“He’samessofcontradictions.Ithinkit’ssafetosayhe’sattractedtome.Imean,betweenthehotelandthelibrary…”
“Ofcoursehe’sattractedtoyou.”
“But,”Icountered,raisingmyeyebrowsather.“Oneofthosesituationsinvolvedalcoholandtheotherinvolvedstress.AndLogantoldmeoutrighthe’snotlookingforarelationship.Imean,hepracticallypushedmetowardWill.Oh,God.”Isatupagain,jostlingZoey.“WhatdoIdoaboutWill?DoIcomeclean?Apologize?”
“HowmanydateshaveyougoneonwithWill?”
“Two.”
“Justtwo?Didyouguysagreetobeexclusive?”
“No.Wehaven’tevenkissed.”
“Ugh.”Zoeygentlyslappedmyleg.“Lex,Iloveyou,butyoudorealizeyou’reallowedtobeamodernwomanwhodatesmultiplepeople,right?Youdon’toweanyoneyourimmediateundyingdevotion.Evenifthey’rereallynice.”
Itookadeepbreath.“It’simportanttomenottobeacheater.”
Hereyesfilledwithknowing.“Igetthat.ButunlessyouandWillagreedtobeexclusive,you’renotdoinganythingwrong.Tryputtingyourneedsfirstforonce.”
Isqueezedherhand.“Thankyouforbeingsuchagoodfriend.”
Shesqueezedback.“Here’swhatyoudowithLogan.It’ssimple.Youneedtoknowhowhefeels,soyou’regoingto…askhim.”
“Justlikethat?”
“Justlikethat.Thenexttimeyouseehim,you’regoingtohaveanhonestconversationabouthowyoubothfeel.Ifhe’sbusy,standupforyourselfandtellhimtomaketimeforyou.Andifhestillbrushesyouoff,thenyouhaveyouransweranyway.Eitherway,you’llleaveknowing.”
EventhethoughtofgettingclarityfromLoganwasarelief.AndthissoundedlikethewayLeewouldapproachthesituation.Shewouldtakecharge,insistonbeingtakenseriously.“Whatifheregretskissingme?Oritmeantnothingmoretohimthanamomentaryattraction?”
Zoeylaybackonthecouch.“Youknow,sometimesIstillworryI’mnotgoodenoughforAnnie.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.Iworryshe’sgoingtowakeuponemorningandrealizeshe’smakingahugemistakemarryingme.”
“ButAnnielovesyousomuch.”
Zoeylookedatme.“Iknow.Ireallydo.Butthefearisnatural.Allthisstuffisterrifying,youknow?Caringaboutsomeoneissucharisk.Weshoveourheartsintheirhandsandallwecandoishopetheydon’tcrushus.I’manartist.Imakethings.Ilikecontrol.Loveistheopposite.”
ItwasactuallystunningthatZoey—beautiful,talented,confidentZoey—sharedmyinsecurities.“YouareoneofthemostmagneticpeopleI’veevermet,”Isaid.“Oneinamillion.You’reworthlifetimesofloving.”
Shesqueezedmylegs.“See,thisiswhyIvolunteeredtocometalktoyouthatdayLeeneededsomeonetofillin.IalwayshadafeelingyouandIcouldbegoodfriendsifwegaveitashot.”
Mythroatgrewthick.“Thanksforbelievinginme.”
“You’reworthlifetimesofloving,too,”shesaid.“TalktoLogan.”33TheRugPulledOut
Ididn’thavetowaitlongtoseeLogan.Thenextdayafterschool,asIduginmyclosetformyoldlaptopfullofstoryideas,myphonedingedwithatextfromNora.Iscrambledtoopenit.
Pleasecometotheoffice.Wehaveasituation.
Mystomachsank.Thatsoundeddire.Ithumbedback,OnmywayandimmediatelygoogledTheWatcherontheHill.Ifnewshadbroken,DanielWatcherwouldhaveit.
Itwasthetopstory.Inbigblackletters,theheadlinescreamed“TEAFlips:TeachersUnionRecantsArthurEndorsementinFavorofMane.”Inthepicture,GovernorManestoodbetweenabeamingSonnyandKai,handsclaspingtheirshoulders.
Itmadenosense.TheteachersunionwasoneofLogan’sbiggestallies—theyshould’vebeenunequivocallyonourside,givenwhatLoganwaspreparedtodowiththebudget.AndtheywerethepeopleI’dbroughtin.Whyhadtheybetrayedus?IsquintedatSonny’sandKai’sfacesandrememberedhowoilythey’dbeenattherally,howthey’dangledforpreferentialtreatment.Thathadsomethingtodowiththis,Iknewit.
Igrabbedmybagandracedoutthedoor
“Iwon’tlietoyou,”Anitasaid.“Thisisbad.Wewerecountingonteachersupport.Evenworse,we’vepositionedLoganastheworking-classchampion.ThefactthatamassivelaborunionswitcheditsallegiancetoManeis,intechnicalterms,adisaster.OurpollingshowsasizeabledipinLogan’scredibilityrating.”
Nearlytheentirecampaignteamwasstuffedintothelargeconferenceroomatheadquarters,mostofusstandinginrowsagainstthewalls.Norahadofferedmeaseatatthetable,butI’ddeclined.Arealstaffmembercouldhaveit.Instead,Ipressedintoacorneroftheroom.Loganhadsweptinatthelastminute,hisfacegrave,andthesecondoureyesmet,myadrenalinespiked,rememberingkissinghimupagainstthestacks.Buthe’donlygivenmeasmall,grimsmilebeforesittingattheheadofthetable,andthenitwastimeforbusiness.Themoodintheroomwasfunereal.
“Okay,”Norasaid.“That’shardtoswallow,butourjobnowistocountertheblowwithnewwins.”
“I’msorrytointerrupt,”saidCary,notsoundingsorryatall.“Butdoweknowwhathappened?HowManewasabletosnaketheTEAawayfromus?Inthewordsofourfearlessleader,whatthefuck?”
Theroombrokeintomurmurs.
“Idon’tknowifweshoulddwell—”Norastarted,butLoganheldupahandandtheroomfellsilent.
“IjustgotoffthephonewithfriendswhoareclosetoMane’scampaign.TherumorisSonnyYarrowandKaiWestcutsomesortofdealwiththegovernor.He’snotgoingtochangetheeducationbudget,butinexchangefortheendorsement,theygetsomesortofpersonalkickback.Nooneknowswhatyet.”
Protestsbrokeout.
“Butthatmeanstheybetrayedeveryeducatorinthestate,”Iburst,andalleyesturnedtome,Logan’sincluded.
Henodded.“Weknewtheyweretrouble,remember?Ourinstinctswereright.It’smyfaultfortakingmyeyesoffthem.”Helookeddownathishands,whichwereclutchedontheconferencetable.
“Weshouldtellpeople,”Isaid.“Therestoftheunionwillbelivid.”
Heshookhishead.“Wewouldneedproof,andthat’shardtoget.IthinkNora’sright.There’snotimetodwellonthingswecan’tchange.Electiondayisinthreeweeks.Rightnow,wehavetofocusallourattentiononnewwins.”
“Logan’sgoingtoreachouttotheheadofeverymajorassociationthathasn’talreadychosenaside,”Norasaid.“Forthenextfewdays,he’sgoingtobephysicallyattachedtothephone,soifyouneedhimforsomething,don’t.Everyoneelse,Iwantyouknockingondoors,makingpersonalconnectionswithvoters.Don’tletManesignsinfrontyardsstopyou.”SheshotalookatLoganandhenodded.“Allright,people.Let’sbringthishome.”
SheandLoganroseandhurriedout,andtherestofusfiledafterthem.OnceI’dmadeitoutoftheconferenceroom,Istoodinthemiddleofthebullpenandbitmylip,eyeingLogan’scloseddoor.Hewasobviouslybusy.Iprobablyshouldn’tbotherhim.ButZoeyhadtoldmetoinsistIwasimportant,too,worthprioritizing.Besides,therewouldalwaysbeonereasonoranothernottohavethisconversationwithLogan.Ijusthadtogoforit.
Resolved,Imarchedtohisofficeandknockedonthedoor.“Makeitquick,”hebarked.
Iopenedthedoorandhisfacechangedtheinstanthesawme.“Sorry.Ididn’trealizeitwasyou.”
Loganhadlookedgravebutcomposedintheconferenceroom.Now,inprivate,itwaslikehe’dtakenoffamask.Hesatbehindadeskpiledwithstacksofpaperandstickynotes,anxietyradiatingfromhim,etchingexhaustedlinesintohishandsomeface.Hescrubbedhishandsthroughhishair.“IfyouwanttotalkaboutleakingthedealSonnyandKaimade,trustme,Iwishwecould,butIjustdon’thavetimetoworkoutastrategy.”
“That’snotwhyI’mhere.”MyGod,myheartwaspoundingsofastyou’dthinkIwasliningupinfrontofafiringsquad.You’reworthit,Iremindedmyself,andplantedmyselfdirectlyinfrontofhisdesk.“Iwantedtotalkaboutyesterday.Inthelibrary.”
Heswallowed.“Lex,I’msorry,butIreallydon’thavetimerightnow.”
Itriednottoflinch.“Iknowyou’rebusy,butit’simportantwetalkaboutwhathappened.Sooner,ratherthanlater.”
Thephoneonhisdeskstartedringingandheglancedatit,thenbackatme.“Canwejustwaituntilthisdiesdown?EveryminuteI’mnotonthephonewithsomeoneisaminutecloserthiscampaigncomestocrashingandburning.”
Icouldfeeldisappointmentcrashingagainstthegatesofmyheart.“Justfiveminutes,”Iwhispered,nearlywincingathowpatheticitsounded.Butpartofmerefusedtobelievethismomentwasunfoldingthisway.
ThephonerangonelasttimeandLoganlungedforit.Hepressedahandtothereceiver.“I’msorry,Lex,Ihavetotakethis.”Thenhisvoicebrightened.“SenatorWortham,thanksforgettingbacktomeonsuchshortnotice.”
Istoodthereblinkingathim.Loganwasn’tevenlookingatmeanymore.Hewasnoddingandtryingtoreachastackofpapersatthefarthestedgeofhisdesk,likeIdidn’texist.
Iknewthisfeeling.Iwastwelveyearsoldandsmallagain.Asecond-tierpriority.Youwould’vethoughtI’dbeusedtoitbynow,buttheriotoffeelingsinmychestwasasfierceandfreshasthefirsttime.Zoey’svoicefloatedback:Ifhebrushesyouoff,youhaveyouranswer.Messagereceived,LoganArthur.
Ipushedthepapersclosersohecouldreachthem,thenfledasfastasIcould.34Three’saCrowd
“Wow,whata…healthyamountofchampagne.”Will’seyeswidenedasIsnaggednotonebuttwoflutesofftheserver’stray.“Youreallyloveweddings,huh?”
IfeltmycheeksheatundertheextralayersofblushI’dswipedontobeasglamorousaspossibleforWill.Tonightwashisboss’swedding,andwewereattheFourSeasonsHoteldowntown,adarkwood-paneled,marble-flooredvenuerightonLadyBirdLakethatwasalittletoorichformyblood,thoughWillandhisfellowdoctorcolleaguesseemedathome.FromthemomentI’darrived,I’dheardLogan’svoiceinmyear,whisperingaboutthepeacockparade,andI’dbeentryingtodrownhimoutallnightwithchampagneandcakeanddancing.Butitwasawedding,whichmeantlovewasondisplayeverywhereIturned,andthoughWillwasrightthatIdidnormallylovethem,ontheheelsofLogan’smore-or-lessrejection,attendingthisweddingfeltlikedeathbyathousandpapercuts.I’dcriedduringthevows,whichwastypicalofme—Ijusthadn’tcorrectedWillwhenhe’dhandedmehispocketsquareandwhispered,“Ilovehowhappyyouareforthem.”ThatshouldhavebeenthereasonI’dtearedup.
IlookedatWill,good-naturedteasingshininginhiseyes,andresolvedtoputLoganoutofmymindonceandforall.“Actually,”Isaid,holdinguponeofmyflutes,“I’mcelebrating.Here’stopickingyourselfupafterafall.Tohavinggoodinstinctsaboutdangerandlearningtolistentothem.Andtogettingclosure.”
“Cheers,”Willsaid,andclinkedmyglass.Itookalong,fortifyingsipofchampagne,lettingthebubblesticklemythroat.Ithadbeenalittlemorethantwenty-fourhourssinceLoganhaddismissedmeinhisoffice.Andthoughmyinstinctsbeggedmetostayhomeandwallow,therewasnowayI’dmissWill’sbigevent.Sothroughsheerwill,IputonthemantleofnewAlexis,whodidnotcrumpleafterrejection,butinsteadhadasteelspineandasenseofpurposeand,mostimportantly,afancyyellowdressfromRenttheRunwaythatdemandedtobeworn.
“Aboutyourtoast,”Willsaid.“I’mreallysorryabouttheteachersunionswitchingtoendorseMane.IhearditonNPRthismorning.Soundslikethebetrayal’shittingyouhard.”
“Let’snottalkaboutthecampaign.”Idownedtherestofthefirstglassandsuppressedtheurgetohiccupatthebubbles.“How’sthehospitallately?”ThiswasWill’snight,afterall.Igesturedwithmyemptyfluteatthesharplydressedpeopleintheballroomaroundus.“Theyseemlikeaprettyfuncrewtoworkwith.”Will’scolleagueshadbeenkindtomeallnight,evenifWilldidn’tseemparticularlyclosetoanyone,lendingevidencetoLee’sclaimthathehadn’tfoundhispeopleyet.Nowonderhe’dreallywantedadate
“It’sactuallybeenhardlately.”Will’sfacesoftened.“Oneofmyfavoritepatientsisn’tdoingsowell.Hersurgerydidn’thavetheimpactwe’dhoped.”
Theworryinhisvoicewassobering.HereWillwasdealingwitharealproblem,onethatputmysmalltroublesintoperspective.Itookhishandandsqueezedit.“I’msosorrytohearthat.Ihopesheimproves.”
Hesqueezedback.“Thanks.”Thenheshookhisheadandsmiled.“Enoughofthat.Sorry.We’reheretohavefun.”
“Dr.Laderman!”calledacrispvoice,oneIrecognizedfromtheceremony.
WillandIturnedtofindthetwogroomsstridingtowardus.Dr.SamuelKelis,chairofthecardiologydepartmentandWill’sboss,wasatall,distinguishedBlackmanwithgrayingtemples.Hisnewhusband,Morgan,wasonlyalittletallerthanme,withbrightredhairandfreckles,andfromwhatI’dgatheredwasanindependentfilmmakerinAustin’sburgeoningfilmscene.Theywalkeduptouswiththeirfingerslacedtogether,beaming.
“Havingfun,Will?”Dr.Kelisheldhimselfratherformally,eachwordspokenwithsharpelocution.
“Yes,sir,”Willanswered.“Agreattime.”
“Congratulations,”Igushed,unabletohelpmyself.“Yourweddingwasgorgeousandyoumakeabeautifulpair.”
“Dr.Kelis,Morgan,thisisAlexisStone.”WillbeamedatmeasIdroppedmyemptychampagneglassonanearbytableandshookthetwomen’shands.
“Double-fisting.”Morgan’seyesgleamed.“Ilikethewayyourprotégé’sdaterolls.”
EventhoughWill’swholefacebrightenedatthewordprotégé,IflushedandthrustthesecondglassofchampagneatMorgan.“No,thisone’sforyou.”GodforbidWill’sbossthinkhewasdatingalush.
“Evenbetter,”Morgansaid,andwhetherornothebelievedme,hehappilyacceptedthechampagne.
“Youtoomakeacharmingcouple,”saidDr.Kelis.Henoddedstiffly.“Welldone.”
IfeltlikeI’djustbeenblessedbythePope.IshotaglanceatWillandsaweverythingDr.Kelisdid:howhandsomeWillwasinhissuit,hisgenuinesmile.BeingWill’sgirlfriendwouldbeeasyanduncomplicatedandhappy.Icouldpracticallyseeit.
“We’regoingtocontinuemakingtherounds,”Dr.Kelissaid.“Enjoyyourself,Will.Butnottoomuch,sinceyou’reoncalltomorrow.”
“That’smyhusband.”Morganwinked.“It’shisweddingnightandhe’sstillthinkingaboutthehospital.”Theteasesoundedlikeanoldjokebetweenthem.
“Willdo,”Willsaidnervously.“Imean,won’tdo.”
Whenthegroomswalkedawaytogreetanothercouple,Willbenthisheaddownandwhispered,“Alittleintense,right?”
“Alotintense.”
Helookedatouremptyhands,thenaroundattheballroom.“So…we’vecheckedallourboxes…Doyouwanttoleave?I’llgetanUber.”
“Leadtheway,Dr.Laderman.”
Aswewaitedoutsidethehotelforourcar,acoolbreezeblewpast,rustlingthetreesthatshroudedthevaletcircleandmakingmeshiver.“GoodoldTexas.Fallisfinallycomingin.”
Willslippedhisarmaroundme.“Agoodexcusetoholdyou.”
Iglancedupathimandcaughtmybreath.Hissmilewassowarm.BeforeIcouldthink,hebentdownandkissedme,gentlyatfirst,andthenwhenIleanedin,hedeepenedit.Ittookmealong,protractedsecondbeforeIrealizedwhatweweredoing.
“Oh,no.”Iwrenchedback.“We’reinpublic.”
“Shit.Itotallyforgot.”Webothspun,searchingthestreetinfrontofthehotelwiththeobviousnessoftheworld’sworstsecretagents.Weweredowntown,whichwasn’tgreat,butasIscanned,Isawnocameraflashesortelltalesignsofpaparazzi.Justabunchofregularpeoplegoingabouttheirbusiness.
“Ithinkwe’resafe,”Willsaid.“I’mreallysorryagain.Ithinkit’sallthehospitalshifts.Mybrainismelted.”
“Nobigdeal.”Iwasbeingparanoid.It’snotlikeIwasfamousoranything.Peopleweren’tfollowingmyeverymove.
OurUberpulledup.Automatically,Willreachedformyhand,thencaughthimselfandshookhishead.“See?ThisiswhyI’masurgeonandnotaspy.Can’tpretendforanything.”
“Comeon.”Ilaughed,openingthecardoor.“Let’sgetyououtofpublicview.”
Hecaughtthedoor.“Hey,Lex…Doyouwanttomakethisaone-stopride?”
Oh—sothatwashowyoupropositionedsomeone.Iswallowedthickly.YouarenotsadaboutLogan,Iremindedmyself.Sowhatifhedidn’tfeelthesameway?YouhaveWill,andWillisgreat.Goinghomewithhimafterabeautifulweddingisgreat.Everythingisgreat.“Yes.I’mgreat—Imean,thatsoundsgood.”
Twentyminuteslater,WillandIwerewalkingupthetree-linedpathtomyfrontdoorwhenhefrozeandpattedhissuitjacket.“Oh,no.IthinkIleftmyphoneintheUber.”
“He’sattheendofthestreet—run!”
Willspunandtookofftohailthedepartingcar.Icontinuedupthesidewalk,clutchingmyyellowgown,talkingmyselfup—havingWilloverwasnobigdeal,thisisexactlywhatyouwanted—whenIturnedthecornerandcameface-to-facewithLogan,sittinghunchedoveronmyfrontstoop.Hejerkedup,atiredsmilebreakingacrosshisface.“You’rehome.”Heblinked.“Andyou’realldressedup.”
Istaredathim,heartpounding.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Loganlookedlikehehadn’tsleptforaweek.Hisnavysuitwasrumpledandthereweredarkcirclesunderhiseyes.“Areyouwearingthesameclothesasyesterday?”
Herubbedhisface,laughingbitterly.“Yeah,well,Ihaven’tlefttheofficesinceIsawyou.”Hepulledsomethingoutofhispocket.“Ididstoptogetthisontheway,though.”
Itwasapackofred-tippeddarts,toppedwitharedbow.Queenofhearts,he’dsaid.Numbly,Iacceptedit.
“Figuredyoumightwanttousemefortargetpracticeafterhowweleftthings.”Hegavemeatightsmile.WhenIdidn’tsmileback,stillcaughtinshock,heclearedhisthroat.“Right.Look,IcameassoonasIcould.Iknowweneedtotalk,inpersonandprobablyatlength,soI’mnotgoingbacktotheofficeuntil—”
“Igotit!”Willcrowed,roundingthecornerandbrandishinghisrecoveredcellphone.Hedidadouble-takewhenhesawLogan.“Oh.Hey,man.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Forallmypowersofimagination,Icouldn’thavedreamedupamoreuncomfortablescene.MyheartstoppeditsfreneticpoundingandsimplysankatLogan’sface—becauseforonce,Icouldreadhisexpressionsclearly.Surprise,thenarecoil,asifhe’dbeenhit.Thenhispolitician’strainingtookoverandhemaskedit,producingathinsmile.Somehow,thatsmilewasthemostpainfulofalltowitness.
“I—”Logan’svoicecameouttoothick.Heclearedhisthroat.“Ididn’trealizethetwoofyouhadplanstonight.”
“Itwasmyboss’swedding,”Willoffered.Istillcouldn’tspeak.
Logan’seyesdartedtome,thenquicklyaway.“IthinkImisunderstoodsomething.I’msorry.I’llletyoutwogetbacktoyournight.”HepushedawayfromthestoopandcutintothelawntoavoidwalkingpastWillandme.
IwatchedLoganretreatforasingledesperatemomentbeforeturningtoWill.“Canyougivemeaminute?”
Hefrowned.“Everythingokay?Heseems…tense.”
“I’llexplainlater.Just—stayrighthere,okay?”ItookoffassoonasWillnodded.
Loganwasmakinggreattime,bookingitdownmystreet.IrushedafterhimasfastasIcouldinmydressandheels.“Stop!”Icalled.“Logan.Please.”
Hecametoahaltnearalamppost.Whenheswungtofaceme,Iexpectedtoseeangerorfrustration,buthewasstone-faced.
“I’msorry.”Thewordsflewout,knee-jerk,asImadeittohisbubbleoflightonthedarkstreet.
“Youhavenothingtoapologizefor.”Loganscrubbedbothhandsoverhisfaceandthen…leftthemthere.Iresistedtheurgetopullthemback.Finally,hedidithimself.Andthistime,allIsawwasweariness.“I’mtheonewhoowesyouanapology.Ishouldn’thaveshownuplikethis.Ithoughtyouwantedtotalkbecause…well,Ithoughtafterthelibrary,youwouldn’t…”Hisgazejerkedbacktomyapartment,whereWillwaswaiting.“Youknowwhat,nevermind.”Heshookhishead.“AllIseemtodolatelyismakethewrongcalls.Messthingsup,onethingaftertheother.IhonestlythinkIlosemymindalittlewhenI’maroundyou.”
“Youdidn’tmessanythingup.”
Helaughedandlookedaround.“Ikissedyou,Alexis.Ipromisedyouwhenwestartedthatyou’dneverhavetoworryaboutmecrossinglines.AndI’veworkedsohard—”Hisvoicecaught.“I’veworkedsohardnotto.ThenImadeamistake.”
Amistake.There,inblack-and-white,wastheverdictI’dspentsomuchtimewonderingabout:Loganthoughtourkisswaswrong.That’swhyhe’dcometonight.Totellmehewassorryanditwouldn’thappenagain.“Ikissedyouback,”Isaid,myprideforcingmetosayit.“Ifitwasamistake,webothmadeit.”
Heblewoutabreath.“LikeIsaid,youhavenothingtoapologizefor.I’mtheonewhocrossedaline,thenIwasrudetoyou,thenIspentthirty-sixhoursinthemiddleofacrisiswithhalfmyheadinthegameandtheotherhalfwishingeverythingwoulddisappearsoIcouldfindyouandfixit.”Heglancedinthedirectionofmyapartment.“AtleastIclearlydidn’tmessupyouandWill.Sinceyouwereonadate…”
“Yes.”WhydidIfeelapitinmystomachconfirmingit?Yes,we’dkissed,butLogandidn’thavefeelingsforme.He’dmadethatclearafewtimesnow.SoIdidn’towehimanexplanation.
Henodded,hisAdam’sapplebobbing,likehewastryingtoswallowmyyesfast.
“I’mnotmadatyou,”Isaidquickly.“Everything’sokay.”Itwasmyoldestinstinct,thelessonI’dlearnedfrommyfather:repairtherelationship.Swallowthefactthathe’dhurtmesoIdidn’tlosehim.Whetherhewasjustafriendorsomethingmore,Loganwastooimportant.Jesus,whenhadthismanbecomesoimportanttome?
Helaughed.Thebitternesswasback.“Okay,Lex.Ifyousayso.Well,whetheryou’reangryornot,I’mstillsorry.”Hiseyesfelltomylipsandlingered.Witheffort,hefinallypulledthemaway.“Ishouldgo.Ireallyneedtosleep.”
“Don’t,”Isaid,butIcouldn’tthinkofwhattosaynext,areasontokeephim.ThethingthatalwayshappenedwhenIgotoverwhelmedwashappeningnow:Icouldn’tparsemythoughts.AllIknewwasIdidn’twanthimtoleave.
Loganputhishandsup,walkingbackward.“Trustme,IneedtogobeforeIsaysomethingelsethatmesseseverythingup.”Withonelastlook,heturned,andIwatchedhimwalkawayinhiswrinkledsuituntilhemeltedintothenight
WhenImadeitbacktomyapartment,Willwasleaningagainstmyfrontdoor.“Alexis.”Hisvoicewaswary.“What’sgoingonwithyouandLogan?”
OfcourseWillhadseenustalking.Andofcoursewe’dlookedanythingbutprofessional.AssoonasWillasked,thefoginmybrainclearedandIknewwhattodo.AsNorahadsaid,evenromanticlovewasaboutyourvalues,aboutputtingyourbeliefsaboutthewaytheworldshouldworkintopractice.AndIbelievedinhonestyandfairness.
“I’msorry,Will.”Iwantedtoslumpagainstthewall,butIforcedmyselftodeliverthisstraight-backed,withthedignityWilldeserved.“It’sgotten…complicatedwithLogan.Andyoudeservebetter.”
“Idon’tknowaboutthat.”
“Ido.You’reanincredibleguy.Inanotherlifetime,Ithinkwecould’vebeenperfect.”
Willgavemeasmall,wistfulsmile.“Butthisisthelifetimewhereyoumethim?”
Theanswerwasclearinmyface.Heleanedinandkissedmeonthecheek.“ThenI’llseeyouaround.”
“SeeyouatLeeandBen’swedding,”Isaid,thenwishedforasinkholetoswallowme.I’dneverbeenonthissideofabreakupbefore.ItturnedoutIwasbadatit.
ThankGodWillwaskind.Hejustsmiledagainandsaid,“Takecareofyourself,Lex.”Thenhebecamethesecondmanofthenighttowalkawayfromme.
AlexisStone:honest,fair,andalone.35TheBuckStopsHere
“Whatdrivesmebananas,”Murielsaid,swishingherscarves,“isthateveryteacherI’vetalkedtothinksSonnyandKaiendorsedGovernorManebecausehepromisedbetterreformthanLogan.”
“Andthey’renotgoingtoknowthetruthuntilaftertheyhelpManegetelected.”Isighed,notbotheringtopickmyheadupoffthetable.NowthatmystatusastheTeacher’sChampionwasrevoked—GovernorMane,notLogan,wasinvogueatBartonSprings—Muriel,Gia,andIhadbeenrelegatedbacktothegrossesttableintheteacher’slounge,theoneclosesttothemicrowave.Someonehadreheatedeggsforlunch,butIwastoodespondenttodoanythingbutwasteawayinmicrowaved-eggair.NewAlexismightbeastrong,independentpersonwhodidn’twallow,butexceptionshadtobemadeforcertifiedromanticdisasters,suchasenduringtheemotionalequivalentoftwobreakupsinonenight.Luckily,IhadenoughprofessionaldisasterstodistractMurielandGiafromaskingmeabouttheromanticones.
“Ijustthinkifwetoldpeoplethetruth,they’dwanttofightback,”Giasaid.“Theunion’ssupposedtorepresentallofus.Andlookatthem,goingabouttheirlives.They’reclueless.”
Dutifully,MurielandIlookedaroundtheloungeattheotherteachers.Theydidlookratherblissfullyobtuse,eatingtheirantibioticyogurtsanddoingcrosswordpuzzles,unawaretheywereabouttogetbetrayedbySonnyandKaiandrunoverbyaspeedingtrainofbudgetcuts.
“Evenifwedidmanagetospreadtheword,”Isaid,“whatmakesyouthinkpeoplewouldbelievemeoverthepresidentandsecretaryoftheTEA?”
“Honey.”Murielrestedawarmhandonmyshoulder.“You’vebeenshowingupnonstopforeducators.Ithinkyoushouldtrusttheywouldshowupforyou.”
Inmyexperience,youcouldn’ttrustotherpeopletoreciprocateyourfeelings:notyourdevotion,yourcare,orevenyourloyalty.ButIsatupinmychair,thewheelsinmymindturning.“Let’ssaywedidmanagetospreadthewordandpeopleactuallybelievedmethatSonnyandKaimadeashadydeal.Howdowe…changeanything?”Wecouldn’tholdanotherrallybecauseIdidn’thavetheexpertisetoplanone—youneededpermitsandmanpowerandallsortsofthingsrealactivistsknewthatIdidn’t.Besides,timewasrunningout.
“Hmm,”saidGia.Silencefellaswethought.WhathadIlearnedinmytimewiththecampaign?Ihadtohavepickedupsomeusefullessons.ItriedtorememberthingsI’dheardNorasay.“Youhavetohitthemwhereithurts.”Itappedmyfoot,thinkingharder.“Yougetpeople’sattentionbydialingupthepressure.Youshouldalwayslookforleverage.”
“Whatkindofleveragedowehave?”Murielmused.
Ilookedaroundtheloungeattheotherteachers.Eatingtheirbrownbaglunchesbecausenoonecouldaffordtogoout.Dutifullymakingcraftsfortheirclassroomsduringtheirlunchhour.Andithitme.“We’retheleverage.Nomatterhowhardwegetdickedoverbylawmakers—”
Halfadozenheadsturnedtogivemecensoriouslooks.
“Sorry.Nomatterhowhardwegetjerkedoverbylawmakers,wekeepshowingup.Thedayaftertheytoldustheywerecuttingourretirementsavings,whatdidwedo?”
“Wecametoworklikealways,”Murielsaid.
Gia’seyeslitup.“Youwanttostageawalkout.”
“Thinkaboutit.”Mymindwaswhirringamileaminute.“NoonehastogeteventpermitsorT-shirtcannons.Allwehavetodois…stayhome.Andwemakeastatementreporterscan’tignore.”
“It’sgenius,”Murielsaid.Shethumbedthroughherphone.“I’llstartcallingmycontactsfromtheLibraryCouncil.”
“I’llcallmyfriendsfromtheTEAwhowon’tleakittoSonnyandKai,”Giasaid.“TheTEAhasamassivecontactlist.WecanuseSonnyandKai’sownresourcesagainstthem.”
“Perfect,”Isaid.“Andcallyourfamilies,too.We’llneedtogetaphonebankrunningifwe’regoingtoreachatonofpeoplefast.”Ipickedupmyownphoneandthought,forafleetingmoment,ofcallingLogan.ThenIrememberedhisdisappointedfaceinthelamplight.Nomatterwhat,though,Iwantedtodothis.Notjustformyfelloweducators,butforhim.Evenifhenevertalkedtomeagain,IwantedtohelpLoganwinmorethananything.
SoI’dcallNoratoinformthecampaign.Butfirst,Iwouldcallmysecretweapon.Thequeenofmakingascene,myownone-womanpoliticaltornado,theladywhoseanticsneverfailedtogoviral:mydearsister,Lee.ItwastimetoputboththeStonesistersintoaction.36AMomentofVision
“Getready,”Norasaid,beaming.Ibarelyhadtimetotakeabreathbeforesheswungopentheconferenceroomdoorandtheentirecampaignteamleapedtotheirfeetandclapped.“Sayhello,”Noracalled,“tothewomanwhosavedourasses.”
Theycheeredevenlouder.Carywolfwhistledandledachantof“Rudy,Rudy,Rudy.”Icoveredmyfacewithmyhands,completelyoverwhelmed.Thankstothewalkout,I’dbarelygottenanysleepforthelastfourdays,andnowIwasbone-tired,whichmeantIwaswearingmyheartonmysleeve.Noraonlylaughedandpushedmeintotheroom.
“Thankyou,”Isaid,asstaffershuggedmeandclappedmeontheback.“Thankyousomuch.”
“Shh,”someonehissed.“It’sabouttostart.”
Everyone’seyesturnedtothegiantTVthathadbeenwheeledintothecorner.CarygrabbedtheremoteanddialedthevolumeupasTrishaSmith’sfacefilledthescreen.Witheveryone’sattentionoffme,IdidaquickscanforLogan.Myheartlurched.
“He’shammeringoutthedetailswithunionreps,”Norawhispered.“Otherwise,hewould’vebeenhere.”
Inodded,forcingmyspinetostraighten.I’daccomplishedthesinglegreatestfeatofmycareer,andnothingwoulddiminishthat.
“TrishaSmithhere,reportingbreakingnewsfromthecapitol.”AstrongbreezemanagedtoblowsomeofTrisha’sstifflystyledhairacrossherface,butshedidn’tflinch.“AfterastatewideteacherwalkoutledtheTexasTribunetouncoverexplosiveevidenceofquidproquodealingsbetweenGovernorManeandtopofficialsattheTexasEducatorsAssociation,thestate’slargestteachersunionhasreverseditsendorsementforthesecondtime.Bypopulardemand,theTEAonceagainendorsesLoganArthurforgovernor.”
CheersbrokeoutsoloudlyitwasalmostimpossibletohearwhatTrishasaidnext.“…makinghistorywiththisreversal.Inastunningmove,TEAmembersprotestedtheactionsoftheirownleadership,stagingwhatendedupbeingathree-daywalkouttoprotestunfairdealingsbetweenGovernorManeandtheirpresidentandsecretary-treasurer.Heretosaymoreisoneoftheleadersofthewalkout,Mrs.MurielLopez.”
InearlyclappedwhenthecameraturnedtoMuriel.ShestoodinfrontofherbeamingdaughterCarmen,whokepttryingtopopherheadaroundhermomandgetintheshot.Muriel,whodressedforthespotlighteverydayofherlife,wasfinallygettingit.Goodforher.
Sheblinkedintothecamerawithadeer-in-the-headlightsexpression.
“Mymom’sahero!”Carmenshouted,bouncingbehindher.
Thankfully,itjoltedMurieloutofherstagefright.“Yes,uh…thankyou,Trisha.WeweredisappointedinthedecisionSonnyYarrowandKaiHarrismadetoendorseGovernorMane,givenLoganArthuristhecandidatewithaplantosupportteachers.Weknewwehadtomakeourvoicesheard.Sowhileitpainedusnottogointowork,weneededpeopletotakeusseriously.”
“Andthattheydid,”saidTrisha.Thecameramovedsmoothlybacktoher.“Insidersreportpressurefromthewalkoutalreadyhadthegovernor’sofficescrambling,andthefinalnailinthecoffincameondaythree,whentheTribunepublishedleakedemailsbetweenTEAPresidentSonnyYarrowandhisgolfingbuddies,inwhichYarrowclaimedhe’dheldManeoverabarreland,quote,‘spankedhimrealgooduntilhegavemeandKaiwhatwewanted.’”
“Tragic,”Carywhispered.“Nevertrustyoursecretstomenwhogolf.”
“Oncethatstorybroke,”Trishacontinued,“TEAleadershipheldavirtualtownhallandagreedtotheirmembers’terms:areversaloftheendorsementandanoustingofYarrowandHarris.AsforwhowillreplaceYarrowasunionpresident,onekeyfront-runnerhasemerged:AlexisStone,whoArthurcampaigninsiderscreditwithgettingthecampaigntomakeeducationatoppriority.”
“Thatwasme.”Norawinked.“I’minsiders.”
“WhileAlexisStone’srepsdeclinedaninterview,citinganeedforrest,we’reherewithhersister,SenatorLeeStone.”
NervesfizzledinmystomachasthecameraturnedtoLee.ThechyronunderherfacereadSen.LeeStone,aka#SadCrawler
Leeflippedherhair.“Thanks,Trisha.AndmayIalsothankyouforincludingthatfootageofmecrawlingtothemarathonfinishlineinCBS12’sBestNewsClipsoftheDecadedocumentary,ensuringitwillliveforever.PleaseknowIcan’twaittoreturnthefavoroneday.”Trishablanched,butLeebarreledon.“Alexishasshownrealleadershipoverthelastfewmonths.Notjustinthewalkout,butinconsistentlyamplifyingthevoicesofteachersandschoolstaff.Ithinkshe’dmakeafineunionpresidentifthat’swhatshewants.Infact,Ithinkshe’dmakeafinepolitician.”
“Followinginyourfootsteps,”Trishaprompted.
Leegrinned.“What’simportantisthattheworldisseeingtheAlexisStoneI’vealwaysknown.She’sapowerhouse.”
Allthehairsonmyarmsrose.
Trishasquaredoffwiththecamera.“WillAlexisStonebethenextTEApresidentorstatesenator?Moreonthisstoryasitdevelops.Now,backtothestudioforatimelyHalloweentopic:razorbladesinyourkids’candy—mythormodernscourge?Theanswermaysurpriseyou.”
CaryturnedofftheTVandthevolumeintheroomrosebacktoadizzyinglevel.
“Cary,crackopenthatchampagne,”Noracalled.“Onehourofcelebrating,andthenIwanteveryonebacktowork.”
Carysaluted.“Aye-aye,captain!”Helungedfortheminifridge.
“Comeon.”Noratuggedmetowardthedoor.“IfIknowanythingaboutmypeople,thingsareabouttogetweird.”
Ifollowedherout,gratefultoescape.Iwasthrilledwe’dpulledoffthewalkout.Andlater,IwasgoingtofindthatnewsclipofLeesayingIwasapowerhouseandplayitonrepeat.Butrightnow,IwassotiredIcouldbarelythink.
“NowthatI’vegotyoualone,”Norasaid,hoppinguptositonacubicledesk.“Andwehaveabriefwindowofsanitybeforethenextcrisishits,Iwanttohearwhatyou’rethinking.”
“Thismightbemyexhaustiontalking,butwhat?”
Shekickedherlegs.“Well,doyouwantthatunionjob?”
That,atleast,waseasy.“Notintheslightest.”
Hermouthquirked.“Thenwheredoyouseeyourselfafterthecampaign?You’vebuiltallthiscapitalwithus.Whatareyougoingdowithit?Yoursisterisclearlyseedingthegroundforyoutomoveintopolitics.Doesthatinterestyou?”
LikeeveryothertimeItriedtopicturewhatIwanted,therewasnothingbutwhitenoise.Igroanedandpressedmyhandstomyface.“Idon’tknow,Nora.Ijustdon’t.”
“Youwantmyadvice?”
Ipeekedthroughmyfingers.“Sure.”
Shegavemeanappraisinglook.“Iknowyou’reanintrovert,butsoarealotofpeopleinthepubliceye.Ithinkyouhavesomething.Ithinkyoucouldbeexactlylikeyoursister.Aleaderwithabrightfuture.”
IcouldbelikeLee.TherewasadesireIfinallyrecognized,becauseitwasmyoldestone.JusthearingNorasayitoutloudbroughtanembarrassingpricklingheattomyeyes.Ihastilywipedthemoistureaway.
Hervoicegrewsofter.“Icouldhelp,youknow.TakingoncampaignchallengesiswhatIlivefor.Wecoulddoittogether.”
I’dneverbeenthisclose.AllIhadtodowasreachoutandtakewhatNorawasoffering,andIcouldbeapersonmyfatherwould’vebeenproudof.Ago-getter,afront-runner,nomoresecondfiddle.AllIhadtodowassayyes,andIcouldhaveLee’slife.
Ididn’twantit.
Ithitmewithsuddenclarity:Ididn’twanttobealeader,orliveapubliclife,orbeinthespotlight.Hell,Iwastiredoforchestratingshenanigans,andIcouldn’tsailthroughlifewiththecool,confidentnonchalancethatalwaysmadeLeesoenviable.Rightorwrong,itwasn’tmyway.Ididn’tfitintohermold.
Andthatwasokay.
Itwasmorethanokay.DearGod,I’doverlaidLee’sdesires,andwhatIthoughtmyfathervalued,andwhatIfiguredtheworldwantedfrommeontopofmyownwishesforsolongthatithadbecomenearlyimpossibletoknowhowIreallyfelt.WhatIwanted.NowonderallIgotwaswhitenoisewhenIthoughtaboutit.Myownhopesandpreferenceshadbeenburiedunderotherpeople’sforsolong.
StandinginfrontofNorainthemiddleoftheemptycubicles,Iexperimentedwithliftingtheirexpectationsoffmyshoulders,ignoringthevoicesthatsaidLeethisorYoushouldreallyorPeoplewillbedisappointed.Withoutthevoices,therewasnothingleftbutme.Wasitreallymeanttobethiseasy?WasIreallysupposedtothinkaboutwhatwouldmakemehappy,andsimplylistentotheanswer?
“I’velovedthisexperience,”IsaidtoNora,feelingitout.“It’shelpedmegrow,andit’sbeenamazingtofeellikeI’mfightingforsomething.Butthetruthis…politicsisn’twheremyheartbelongs.Ilovestories.Ialwayshave.Andstrangely,allthispretendinghasmademerealizethatIwanttodomoreofit.Storytelling,Imean.”IthoughtbacktothatnightattheFleurdeLiswhenLoganlistenedtomeembodyRubyDangerfield,thatdayinhislivingroomwhenheaskedmeifI’deverthoughtaboutwriting.Hewasalwayssogoodatseeingme.MaybebetterthanI’dbeenatseeingmyself.“IthinkIwanttotrytowriteabook.”
IcouldtellwhatIwassayingwasrightbecauseitfeltlikesettlingintomyself.Nomorefittingintouncomfortablemolds.
Nora,who’dbeenlisteningstoically,finallysmiled.“Awriter.Icanseethat.”Anewwaveofpoppingsoundscamefromtheconferenceroomandsheshookherhead.“They’reontoroundtwo.Youbettergetoutofherebeforetheychargeout,liftyouontheirshoulders,andcarryyouaroundtheroom.I’veseenithappen.”
Iblanchedandmovedtoleave.
“Wait—Alexis…”
Istilled.
“Myfamilystilldoesn’tunderstandmycareer.TheythinkI’mnutsforlivingandbreathingpolitics.Butit’swhatmakesmehappy.SoIbetterseeyoudowhatmakesyouhappy,andfuckwhatanyoneelsesays.Otherwise,you’rebackinmydoghouse.”
Ismiledather.“Nora,youknowIwouldn’tdreamofdisappointingyou.”37TheBombDrops
“Andthat’swhyI’mrequestingapromotiontofulllibrarian,”Isaid,plowingtotheendofmyspeech.IglanceduptomeetPrincipalZimmerman’seyesandgulped.“Iknowthefutureofthebudgetisprecarious,butIhopeyou’llstillconsiderthisbasedonthestrengthofmyrecord.”
Zimmermansatontheothersideofhismassivedesk,whichhekeptneatasapinandinaveryparticulararrangement,afacthisassistant,Megan,likedtocomplainabout.Hewasanolderman,withwirysalt-and-pepperhairandathickSamElliott–stylemustache.Themustachetwitchedashesmiled.“Iwouldsay—”
Aquickburstofknockingsoundedbeforethedoorswungopen,andMeganduckedherheadin.“Alexis,I’mgettingcallsforyouupfront.Journalists.”
“Megan.”PrincipalZimmerman’svoicewasexasperated.“Whatdidweagreeaboutbargingin?”
“Iknow,Iknow.Privacyisavirtue.”Shestartedtoclosethedoor,thenadded,rapid-fire,“ButIthinkyoumightwanttocheckthenews!”
Whenthedoorshut,Zimmermanlookedatmeexpectantly.“Doyouneedtogo?”
Ishookmyheadandsattaller.“I’msureit’sjustreporterswantingtofollowuponthewalkout.Whateveritiscanwait.Idowanttoadd,though,thatifyou’reworriedabouthowtopayformypromotion,Ihaveanidea.Inadditiontobecomingafulllibrarian,I’dliketoworkfourdaysaweeksoIcanuseFridaysforapersonalwritingproject.Thatway,youdon’thavetopaymeasmuch.”
There.Ihadn’theldanythingback.I’dputeverythingIwantedonthetable.Nomatterwhathappened,atleastI’dbeentruetomyself.
Tomysurprise,PrincipalZimmermanlaughed.“It’sfittingyouofferedmeasolutiontoananticipatedproblem.Problem-solvingseemstobeamongyourstrengths.”Heleanedforward,foldinghisarmsonhisdesk.“Alexis,you’reanassettothisschool.Notonlydoyouhaveastrongrapportwithyourstudents,butlatelyyou’veprovenyourselfasaleader.”Heshookhissilveryhead.“Thetruthis,Ishould’vegivenyouapromotionalongtimeago.Iappreciateyourpatience.”
WasIhearingright?Iresistedtheurgetorubmyears.
“AndyoucanhaveFridaysoffwithoutthereducedpay.Asforthematteroffunding,I’msureI’llfindaway.Theselastfewyearsofbudgetcutshaveatleasttaughtmehowtostretchpennies.Let’sjustcrossourfingersMr.Arthurwinstheelection,shallwe?”
HestoodupandIfollowedsuit,slingingmybagovermyshoulder.“Congratulations,Alexis.”HeheldouthishandandIshookit.“You’veearnedit.”Hiseyestwinkled.“Igotalotofknittingdoneduringthosethreedaysofthewalkout.Notabadwaytospendone’stime.”
ThefactthatZimmermanhadjoinedusinthewalkoutwouldneverceasetoamazeme.Murielwasright:sometimesyoucouldtrustpeopletoshowup.“Thankyou—foreverything.”
Iwasgoingtobeafulllibrarian.AndI’dgetthetimeandspacetowritemybook.Itwasmorethanadreamcometrue.IfeltlikeIwaswalkingoncloudsleavingZimmerman’soffice—untilIglidedpastMegan’sdesk.“Youcheckedyourphoneyet?”sheasked,deepinagameofMinesweeper.
Iwantedtolingermoreinthislovelybubbleoftriumph,butIsupposedIowedittothecampaigntorespondtoreportersinatimelyfashion.Icouldn’twaittotellNorathenewsaboutmynewjob.Idugaroundinmybag,yankedoutmyphone,and—
Ihadtwenty-twomissedcalls,fifty-fourtexts,andthreehundredTwitternotifications.Myheartdroppedintomystomach.IopenedTwitterfirst,becauseIwasamasochist.
Andthere,floodingmymentions,werethepictures.NotofmeandLogan,butofmeandWill.Thephotosweredarkandgrainy,takenatnightfromacellphone,butyoucouldseewewerestandingoutsidetheFourSeasonsHotel,dressedforawedding.Willwaskissingme,handscuppingmyface.
Ithoughtwe’dgoneunnoticed,dodgedabullet.Butherewewere,blastedforthewholeworldtosee.Icaughtonlythefirstheadline—“LoganArthur’sGirlfriendCaughtCheating”—andthefirstresponse—“Howdarethatdumbwhore??!!”—beforeIpressedthescreendark,handsshaking.Thenthephoneslippedandclatteredtothefloor.38NeverMetaSwordIDidn’tFallOn
IwatchedcampaignstaffarguewitheachotheracrossCary’slivingroomwiththeblurry,muteddistanceofapersonathousandleaguesunderwater.Isatatoneendoftheroom,Loganattheother,ourgazesfixedonourhands.Betweenus,Nora,Cary,Anita,andasmallcadreofcrisiscommsconsultantsyelledbackandforth,debatingwhattodo.
We’dgatheredhereatCary’shousebecauseNorasaidthecampaignofficewasazoo,andreporterswouldlikelycampoutatthehousesofanyonehigh-profile.ThatcommenthadbeenablowtoCary,who’dinsistedhewasaveryfamousmemberofthecampaign.Butsinceitturnedoutthat,high-profileornot,CarywasatrustfundbabywhoseparentshadpurchasedhimahousebiggerthanLee’sandLogan’scombined,Icouldn’tfinditinmyselftofeelsorryforhim.TheonethingthathadbrokenthroughmymiserywasseeingevidenceofCary’slast-minuteattemptatconcealinghistruepersonalitybeforewearrived.Thingshadbeenawkwardlyshovedinaboutadozenhidingplaces.Thebest:alife-sizedcutoutofMattBomerfromMagicMikepeekeditshandsomeheadoutfrombehindCary’spantrydoor.
Ihadtoturnoffmyphonebecauseofthesheerinfluxofnotifications,butbeforeIdid,myneighborcalledtoconfirmtherewerereportersoutsidemyapartment.Norahadputagagorderoneveryonegatheredhere,askingthemnottomentionthelatestcoverage.Itwasamercyallthemoreremarkablebecauseshecouldbarelybringherselftolookatme.
HowquicklyI’dfallenfromcloudninetotwenty-thousandleaguesunderthesea.
Anita’svoicebrokethrough.“Whatwereyouthinking,cookie?”
Ilookeduptofindtheentirelivingroomwatchingme.
“Iunderstandwantingtogoforsecondsinahotmanbuffet,”shesaid.“LoganplusWill,yum.Butwhydoitinpublic?”
“Becauseshewasn’tthinking,”Norasaidcoolly.Whenwelockedeyes,hericymaskfaltered.“Shemadeamovewithoutconsideringtheconsequences.Again.”
“It’sarookiemistake,”saidoneoftheconsultants,adjustinghisglasses.“Weseeitwithclientsallthetime,thinkingtheycanoutsmartthepublic—”
“Enough,”Logancracked,andeveryonefellsilent.Hissteelgazeswepttheroom.“BackoffAlexis.I’mtheonewhotoldhertodateWillifshewantedto.Ifyouhaveshittosay,sayittome.”
“Youdidwhat?”Norascreeched.“Howcouldyou?”
Helookedatmeandtheangerinhiseyesmeltedaway.“Becausesheshouldn’thavehadtoputherlifeonholdjusttohelpme.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Willistherealdealforher.”
Hiskindnesswassounexpectedalumpformedinmythroat.HereIwasdrowninginguiltoverwhatmymistakehaddonetohiscampaign,andLoganwasdefendingmyabilitytodateWill.Hedidn’tevenknowWillandIwereover.ItwasenoughtomakemetakeadeepbreathandsaythethingI’dbeenworkingoutwhiletheyyelled.
“I’mtheonewhomessedup.”Iusedmyfirmspeechvoice.“Asfarastheworldisconcerned,I’mthevillain.IfIownit,makeapublicapology,Logancandumpmeandthatwillbetheendofitforhim.Thisdoesn’thavetobeLogan’sburden.”
“Itwouldmakehimsympathetic,”Carysaid,scratchinghischin.“Itcouldactuallyhelpthecampaign.”
NorajerkedtoAnita.“Canyourteamlookintohowthiswouldplay?”
“Ofcourse—”
“Absolutelynot.”Thistime,Logansurprisedeveryonebypushingtohisfeet.Helookedaroundtheroomwithanincredulousexpression.“JesusChrist,we’renotthrowingAlexisunderthebus.Haveyouseenwhatpeoplearesayingabouther?It’sdisgusting.Notinamillionyears.”
Norathrewherhandsup.“Thenwhat’sourmove?Iknowyouliketoprocess,buttime’sup,Logan.We’vegotreportersbeatingdownourdoors.Wehavetodosomething.”
“Iknow,”hesaid,andtookadeepbreath,likehewassteelinghimself.“Callyourpresscontacts.I’mmakingastatement.”
Thesuitsbuzzed.“Whatkindofstatement?”Noraasked.
Irecognizedthatlookonhisface.Itwasthesamehe’dwornwhenhestoodupfromthebarandtoldCarterthecreeptocomefighthim.Toodefiantforhisowngood.
“I’mtellingeveryonethetruth,”Logansaid.“Thewholestory.ThatIaskedAlexistopretendtodatemetosavemefrompressscrutiny.WhichmeansshewasfreetoseeWill.Shedidnothingwrong.”
“Youcan’t.”Disbeliefturnedmyvoicehollow.
“Overmydeadbody,”agreedNora,andsheandeveryoneintheroomlaunchedintoargumentsaboutwhyLogancouldn’t,theirproteststanglingtogether.
Hethrewhishandsup.“It’snotadebate.Iappreciateyouradvice,butI’vemadeupmymind.”
“Logan,”Norawhispered,andherquietnesswasthescariestthingofall.“Ifyoudothis,it’scareersuicide.”
“Maybe,”hesaid,justassoftly.HiseyestrackedtomineandIheldmybreath.“ButI’mnotwinningatthecostofAlexis.”
“Thetwoofyou.”Norapointedbetweenus.“Firstyou’recompetingtothroweachotherunderthebus,andnowyou’retryingtoout-sacrificeeachother.Bothgamesareequallyinfuriating,fortherecord.”
“TellthereportersI’llmeetthemattheoffice.”Logannoddedatme.“I’mgoingtofixthis,Ipromise.”Thenhetookoff.
Oncethefrontdoorshutbehindhim,thewholeroomdeflated.Caryfellontohiscouch.“We’refucked.Ihavetostartsendingmyrésuméout.AndIwasalreadychoosingdrapesformynewcapitoloffice.”
Norasmackedhisarm.“Don’tbeaquitter.”
“Excuseme,”Isaid,fumblingoutofmyseat.IhadtocatchLoganbeforehemadealife-alteringmistake.
Luckily,thedrivewaytoCary’smini-mansionwaslong,andLoganwasjustnearingtheend.“Wait!”Icalled,suppressingthememoryofthelasttimeI’dchasedafterhimandhowpoorlythathadturnedout.
HestoppedsoIcouldcatchup,buthewasalreadyshakinghishead.“There’snousetryingtoconvinceme.”
Nowthatwewerealone,panicleakedintomyvoice.“Youdon’thavetodothis.”
“OfcourseIdo.It’sthebloodyrightthing.Webothknewthisarrangementhadthepotentialtoblowup,andIpromisedyouifitdid,I’ddealwithit.SohereIam.Letme.”
“WillandIaren’tseeingeachotheranymore.”ThewordsflewoutbeforeIcouldthink.
Hegrewunnaturallystill.“Butyoulikedhim.”
“Idid.Ido.Just—asafriend,itturnsout.”
IcouldpracticallyseethewheelsturningasLoganstudiedme,tryingtoseeinsidemyhead.
“I’msorry,”Isaid.Fixit,mendit,thefamiliarvoicewhispered.You’regoingtolosehim.“I’msorryforgoingoutinpublicwithWillafterourargument,andkissinghim,andbringinghimhome.Itwasthoughtless,likeNorasaid,andI’mso—”
“No,you’renot,”Loganinterrupted.
“Excuseme?”
Heshookhishead.“You’renotsorry,Alexis.Youweremad.Admityouweremadatmeforblowingyouoffwhentheunioncrisishit.”
Ifeltasurgeofpanic.“No,Iwasn’t—”
“Youwerejustifiablymad.Ownit.”Hewatchedme,waiting.
Itwasgettinghardtobreathe.Iwasn’tallowedtomakedemandsofotherpeople.Iwastheonewhoaccommodated.
Loganraisedahandasiftotouchme,thenclenchedhisjawandpulleditback.“Lex.You’reallowedtobeangry.You’reallowedtobefurious,andvengeful,andwhateverelseyou’reactuallyfeeling.Fuck,you’reallowedtobeadownrightshittypersoneveryonceinawhile,noone’sperfect.Youcould’vetoldmeIpissedyouoff,andIwould’vetriedtomakeupforit.That’sallthatwouldhavehappened.Wewould’veargued,thenmadeup.”Whenhelaughed,thesoundwassosaditmademesinkmyteethintomytongue.“Iwouldn’thavegoneanywhere.”
“Youmademefeelsmall,”Iburst,surprisingevenmyself.ButwhywasIsurprised?MyfilterhadalwaysbeenweakestaroundLogan.Fromthefirstnighton,hisbrashnesshadbeenamagnet,pullingmeoutofmyhidingplace.“Yes,Iwasangry,okay?Iwasfuriousatyoufordismissingmeandmakingmefeellessimportantthanyourcampaign,eventhoughIknowthat’sridiculous.OfcourseI’mlessimportantthanyourcampaign!Yourcampaigniseverythingyou’vebeenworkingtowardsinceyouweretenyearsold,chainingyourselftothattree.”Mychestheaved.“There.That’showIfelt.Areyouhappy?”
ThistimeLogandidtouchme,brushinghisfingersdownthesideofmyface.“Yes.Very.”Asmyhearthammered,heleanedinandkissedmyforehead.Iclosedmyeyes.“You’renotlessimportantthanthecampaign,”hewhispered.“I’mtryingtoshowyou.”
Hisphonepingedandmyeyesopened.Reluctantly,Loganlookeddownatthescreen.“I’msorry.”Hegavemeawearylook.“Ihavetogonow.”
“Please,”Ichoked.“Don’tthrowyourcampaignawayforme.”
Loganlookedbackoverhisshoulder,hissmilesmallandsad.“Sorry,Lex.I’vegottopissyouoffonelasttime.”
Welinedthesofa,staringatCary’sgiantflat-screen.Inthecenterofit,Loganstoodinfrontofthecampaignheadquarters,flankedbyreporters.Thecampaign’scommsdirectorwasvisibleinthebackground,bitinghernails.Underneath,thechyronscrolledtheheadlineArthurBreaksSilenceAboutCheatingRumors
“I’mgoingtomakethisbrief.”Logan’sfacewasthesternestI’dseenit.Goosebumpsroseonmyarms.“IaskedAlexisStonetopretendtodatemeaftercompromisingpicturesofussurfacedthatIdeemedarisktomypoliticalcareer.Theentiredeceptionwasmyideaandcarriedoutatmyrequest.”
Besideme,Norawinced,butCarylookedatthescreenwithshiningeyes.
“Becauseofthenatureofourarrangement,Alexishadeveryrighttodateotherpeople.”Hissternnessslippedintoanger.“SoI’masking—demanding—thatthemedialeaveheralone.Asforme,Iwanttooffermyapologiesformisleadingyou.Iletthepressureoftheracewarpmyjudgment.RestassuredI’mdonepretendingtobesomeoneI’mnottoappeasepeople.Fromnowon,you’llgetonlytherealLoganArthur.Ihopeit’senough.Thankyou.”
Heturnedhisbackonthecameras.Predictably,thereportersexplodedintoquestions,buthekeptwalkingtothecampaignoffice,wherethecommsdirectorputanarmoverhisshoulders,shieldinghim,andtheydisappearedthroughthedoubledoors.Thecamerasreturnedtotheanchorsinthestudio,whosemouthswerealmostcomicallyagape.
“Whatafall,”saidoneofthecommsconsultants,shakinghishead.“Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifLoganendsuponasyllabusattheKennedySchool.”
“EpicFuck-UpsoftheTwenty-FirstCentury,”agreedanotherconsultant.
Itunedthemout.AllIcouldthinkaboutwaswhatLoganhadsaid:thathewasgoingtostoppretendingtobesomeonehewasn’ttoappeasepeople.AllthistimeI’dthoughtheandIwerecompleteopposites,butwhereitmattered,wewerethesame.
IwaspulledoutofmythoughtsbyNora,squeezingmyhand.WhenIsawherface,Iknewwhatshewasgoingtosay.“Ishouldleavenow,shouldn’tI?”
Atleasthervoicewasregretful.“I’msorry.ButIneedyoutokeepyourdistancefromLoganfromthismomentforward.”
Icouldfeeleveryone’seyesonmeandswallowedhard,willingmyselfnottocry.
“You’repartofascandalnow,”Norasaid.“Whichmeansyou’retoxictohim.Allpeoplewillseewhentheylookatyouishislie.Ifhe’sgoingtohaveashotatcomingbackfromthis—”
Caryscoffed.
“Wecan’thaveyouanywherenearhim,”Norafinished.“DoyouunderstandwhatI’masking?”
Itwasonlylogical.Still,howitstung.“Yes,”Isaidquietly.“Youwantmetodisappear.”39MyFavoritePersonintheWorld
Silverliningofbeingaskedtodisappearafteraterriblescandal:asanintrovert,I’dbeentrainingforthisallmylife.TwodaysafterLoganhadtakenalltheblame,publicinterestinmefinallywaned,judgingbythewaymysocialmedianotificationsdriedup.Still,Iwasn’ttakinganychances,soindoorsIremained.Ifinallyhadtheapartmentsorted,anyway:I’dclosedtheblindsuntilthewholeplacewasdarkandforlorn—atfirsttoblockphotographersandnowsimplyfortheambiance—mypantrywasstockedwithchocolatebars,I’dhunteddowneverychenilleblanketanddrapedthemovermeuntilIwasshieldedbyamountainofsoftness,andnowIwascurledonthecouchwithPatches,whosesteadypurringkeptmyserotoninlevelshigh,allthingsconsidered.
Irubbedherearsuntilsheclosedhereyes.“It’sgoingtobeyouandmefromnowon.Justtwogoldengirlslivingoutthesunsetoftheirlives.”True,Iwasonlytwenty-seven,butaftertheselastfewmonthsinpolitics,IfeltwhateveragePatcheswasincatyears.Forgetgivingintomyinnersexgoddess;itwastimetocedethefloortomyinnersexagenarian.
“ThisisyourdailyreminderthatIloveyou.”IboopedPatchesonthenose,thenliftedtheremote.“Timetotortureourselves.”
Istillcouldn’tbringmyselftositthroughthenews,whatwiththeconstantdangerofLogan’sfacecroppingup.Insteadoftherealworld,PatchesandIhadchosentoliveinasunnierone,burningthroughabouttwodecades’worthofromanticcomediesduringmytwodaysofexile.Butwhatwewereabouttowatchhadarrivedinthemailfrommymother:thefinalcutoftheHappyHomescommercial.She’dattachedanotethatsaid,cryptically:Wentinadifferentdirection
Theopeningcreditsflashed,whitewordsagainstablackbackground:DirectedbyEliseStone(inspirit).Then:DirectedbyRogerAkinsandtheBayouCityFilmCrew(intermsofactualdirection)
Ishookmyhead.Inevershould’vetaughtherhowtouseAdobePremiere.
Loganappearedon-screenwithatoothpastecommercialsmile,walkingthroughthemainhallofHappyHomes.“WelcometothehappiestanimalrescueinTexas.”HespannedhisarmswidelikeVannaWhite.Iletoutasoundhalfwaybetweenalaughandasob.
Thecommercialcuttohimkneelingdowntopettwodogssidebyside.“Whereeveryanimalisprecious,andgetsthecare,attentionandlovetheydeserve.Whetherthey’redogs—”ThescreenshiftedtoLoganwearingmuckboots,outinthehorsestables.“Farmanimals—”Itcuttohimgivingathumbs-upnexttoagerbilracinginawheel.“Gerbils,hamsters,andrabbits—”Thenitcuttohimwide-eyed,tryingtosmilethroughterrorasathicksnakewasdrapedoverhisshoulders.“Friendlyreptiles,”hequivered.TheshotchangedtoLogansittingcross-leggedinthekittenroom.“Orallthecatsyoucouldeverwant.”Oncue,thearmyofkittensbarreledon-screen,runninghimover.
MyjawdroppedasIenteredtheframe,crouchingnexttoLogan.EliseStone,youmonster!She’dpromisedshewouldn’tgetmeoncamera.
“YoushouldadoptfromHappyHomesbecausethey’reallaboutlove,”saidLogan’svoiceover.On-screen,heandIgrinnedateachother.Isatupstraighteronthecouch.
“Comefindyoursoulmate,”hesaid,voicerichandwarm.“Thenextmemberofyourfamily.”Theshotshiftedtohimstandingnexttome,holdingPatches,whichmadePatchesperkupinmylap.On-screen,LoganandIsmiledateachotheroverherhead,eyesshining.
“Youhavenoideathelovethat’swaitingforyou.”ThecommercialstartedtodissolveintoablackscreenwiththeHappyHomesaddressbutIrewoundit,freezingontheframeofLoganandme.
I’dneverseenmyselfsohappy.
Withoutwarning,Iburstintotears.I’dworkedsohardtocareonlytheappropriateamount.I’dpulledmyselfbackineverysituation,heldmyheartsocarefullyatbay,anditwasallfornothing.BecausethereIwason-screenforeveryonetosee,adorationplainonmyface.Ithadbeenthereallalong,hadn’tit?Eventhoughhewassupposedtobeaone-nightstand,I’dlikedLogansomuch—toomuch—thatfirstnightattheFleurdeLis,anditonlyintensifiedwitheverydayIgottoknowhimbetter.Therewasnousetellingmyselftostop,becauseIlovedhimbeyondlogicandreason.
Ilovedhim.
Bangingsoundedatmydoor,makingPatchesandmejump.Iwipedmytearshurriedly,feelinglikeI’dbeencaught.
“Alexis!”Leecalled.“It’sme.”
Istalkedtothedoorandwrencheditopen.“Whydon’tyouevercallfirst?”
Leewasinfullpoliticianmode,herbusinesssuitsharp,sunglassesdarkandmirrored,lipscrimson.“Becausethenyou’dtellmenottocome.”Shebreezedpastme.“Youlooklikeyouhaven’tgoneoutsideindays,bytheway.Realbunkerholevibe.”
Ifollowedhertomylivingroom,tuggingmyblanketsovermyshoulders.“Yeah,well…youlooklikeavillainfromHouseofCards.”
Shesatonmycouchandbeamed.“Aw,thankyou.Ihadback-to-backinterviewstoday.Everyone’saskingifIknewyouandLoganwerefakewhenIendorsedhim.Ourphoneshavebeenringingoffthehook.”
“Oh,no.”Isanknexttoher.“I’msosorry.Ididn’teventhinkaboutthat.”
Shewavedmeoff.“Please.Ilovegoingtoe-to-toewithanyonewhothinkstheycanbadmouthyoutome.Thoseclowns.Wait.”Sheleanedcloser.“Haveyoubeencrying?ThelasttimeItexted,youseemedfine.”
Iscrubbedmyeyesandletoutatremulous“No.”
Leeinchedcloser.“Look,youwererightaboutLogan,okay?Heturnedouttobeareallygoodguy.Thewayhethrewhimselfunderthebusforyouisallanyonecantalkabout.”
Iduckedmyheadsoshecouldn’tseemyeyes.
“Hey,Lex.Talktome.We’regoingtogetthroughthis,Ipromise.Youcanstillbeanactivistoraunionleader,evenapolitician.It’llbethenewfamilybusinessandit’llbegreat.”
Myemotionsbalancedonaknife’sedge.Theoldhabitsweretuggingatme,urgingmetokeepthingsbottledup,notrocktheboat.Then,ontheotherside,wasmyburningdesiretohaveatruthfulmomentwithmysisterfinally
IcaughtsightoftheTVoverLee’sshoulder.On-screen,IglowedatamanI’dneverbeenhonestwith,andnowmychancewasgone.ThereweretoomanyshotsIhadn’ttaken.Nomore.
“You’remyrolemodel,”Isaid.
Lee’seyeswidenedinsurprise.Ididn’ttrytohidetheshakinessinmyvoice.“You’rethepersonIlookuptomostintheworld.I’vespentmywholelifetryingtobelikeyou.AndeverytimeIfallshort,ithurts.”
“What?”Hervoicewasfaint.
“I’vealwaysknownyouwerewhoIshouldstrivetobe.Itwassoobviousaftermomanddadsplit.Dadadmiredyounomatterwhat,andnexttoyou,Ithinkhebarelysawme.”Myvoicebroke.“ButnomatterwhatIdo,Lee,Ijustcan’tmakemyselfbelikeyou.I’madifferentperson,andIhavetoadmitthat.Idon’twantabig,zanylife.I’mhappywithasmall,quietone.Andafterthelastfewmonths,andespeciallythelastweek,IthinkI’mlearningtobeokaywiththat,but—”Itookadeepbreath,summoningmycourage“—Ineedyoutobeokaywithit,too.IneedyoutostoppushingmetobesomeoneI’mnot.IwantyoutobeproudofmeforwhoIam.”
InthesilencethatfollowedIwastooscaredtolook.Finally,Iforcedmyeyesup—andwhenIdid,IsawthatLeewascrying.
“I’msoproudofyou,”shemanagedtosay.“Alexis,you’remyfavoritepersonintheworld.”
BeforeIcouldprocess,sheleanedoveranddidthethingI’dbeencravingforsolong:shehuggedme.“I’msorryIdidn’tknowyoufeltthatwayaboutDad—Ishould’veknown.Butinsteadofcheckinginonyou,Ipushedyouaway.Iwasjustsohurthebetrayedusandthenitfeltlikeyouweresidingwithhim,andthenwelosthimbeforeIcouldfixit,andIcouldn’tever…Itwassopainful.TherewasthisphysicalblockwheneverItriedtotalkaboutit.Ihadsomanyregrets.Butbecauseofthat,Iletyoudriftawayfromme.”
Ipressedmyfaceintohershoulder.“Ineverdrifted.Ifollowedyoueverywhere.”
“Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIwantedto…tohugyouorjustbeclosetoyou…butIheldmyselfback.”Shegrippedmetighter.“Pleaseforgiveme.IpromiseI’lldobetter.”
Isqueezedher,unabletospeak.
“Andeverythingyousaidaboutmepushingyouistrue.Butitwasn’tbecauseIwantedyoutobelikeme,Alexis—Iwantedyoutohaveitbetter.TellingyoutouseyourbackboneandeverythingwithChrisandLoganandWill,Ijustdidn’twantyoutomakethesamemistakesIdid.Ididn’twantyoutowaitsolongtofindwhatfulfilledyou,orsettleforanythinglessthanreallove,healthylove.Ittookmesolongtofiguremyselfout.Iwantedyoutolearnfrommymistakes.”Shelaughedalittleandpulledbacktowipehereyes.“Ishould’verememberedyouwerealwaysnaturallysmarteratthesethings.”
Idraggedmyshirtagainstmyeyes.Eventhoughtheystung,andmyheadwascloudyfromcrying,Ifeltindescribablylighter.“Ithink,”Isaidcarefully,“becauseweneverreallytalkedabouttheheavystuff,somepartofmeworriedthatifItried,I’dpushyouaway.AndIcouldn’tloseyouagain.Ourrelationshipfeltfragile,andthathurtmorethananything.”
Shesqueezedmyhands.“Hearthis:youcannotloseme.There’snooneinthisworldIlovemore.You’remylittlesister,Alexis.You’rethegreatestgiftlifeevergaveme.”
WhenIpressedmyhandstomyface,shegotupandrantothebathroom,returningwithaboxoftissues.Itookthemgratefully,andwhileIdabbedmyeyes,sheglancedatmyTV.
“Hey,that’smom’scommercial.”Leestared,thenturnedtomewithaquestioninglook.“YouandLogan…”
“Ilovehim,”Isaid,unabletokeepitinside.
Hereyebrowsflewup.“Yousaythisnow?”
“Lee!”
“Sorry,sorry.”
Ilookedatthescreen,wherepastLogangavepastmeatenderlook.“Ithinkhehadfeelingsforme,too.ButIwassoconvinceditwasn’tpossible,Iwouldn’tletmyselfseeit.”
Shefloppedbackonthecouch.“Hecertainlylookslikeamanwithfeelings.”Shewhistled.“Damn.Whatatimetofallinlove,rightinthemiddleofthebiggestraceofyourlife.Iguessthatexplainswhyheblewuphiscareerforyou.”
Wesatsidebyside,headsback,lookingatthescreen.
“Healwaysputmefirst,”Isaid.“Fromthebeginning.AllIhadtodowastellhimeducationwasimportanttome,andheletmeco-ownhiscampaign.HetoldmetodateWillbecausehethoughtmebeinghappywasmoreimportantthanhimstayingsafe.AndthenhetooktheblameforthosephotographseventhoughlettingpeoplethinkIcheatedwould’vesavedhim.”
“Oof.”Leewinced.“Thatstacksup.”
“IwassoconvincedIwasn’tenoughforhimthatanytimeIthoughtmaybethere’ssomethinghere,ItoldmyselfIwasdoingmynormalthingofwantingtoomuchfrompeople.”
Leeshrugged.“Itisabadhabittokeepexpectingthingsfrompeoplewhoalwaysletyoudown.Youusedtodothatalot.”
“LikewithChris.”
“Exactly.Butit’snotabadthingtoputyourheartonthelinewithsomeonewhohasatrackrecordofshowingup.That’swhenyoucanbevulnerablewithoutbeingadoormat.”
Igroaned.“WhydoIhavetolearneverylessontoolate?NowifLoganwinstheelectionbysomemiracle,Iwon’tbeallowedtotalktohimbecauseI’mtoxic.Andifheloses,I’llalwaysbethepersonwhocosthimhisdream.It’slose-lose.I’minlovewithsomeoneIcanneverhave.”
Leereachedoverandsqueezedmyhand.“Imaybenewtodolingoutwisdom,butifthere’sonethingI’velearned,it’sthatpeoplehavetocometothingsintheirowntime.Youhadtochangeyourrelationshipwithyourselfbeforeyoueverwould’vebeenhappywithsomeoneelse,evenLogan.Andreally,whenpeopleloveeachother,thingshaveawayofworkingout.Youcantrustme.I’myourbigsister.”40TheSecondDebate
Yes,technicallyI’dpromisedtostayfarawayfromLogan.Butifmybriefforayintopoliticshadtaughtmeanything,itwasthattherewasalwaysaloophole.IfiguredaslongasnooneeverknewI’dattendedhissecondandfinaldebate,thatwasasgoodasnotgoing.WhichiswhyI’dcometothePalmerEventCenterinfulldisguise.
“Name?”askedthematronlywomanbehindtheregistrationdesk.
“RubyDangerfield.”
Sherifledthroughthelanyardsuntilshefoundit.“Hereyougo,Ruby.”Shesmiled.“Iloveseeingyoungpeopleparticipateinourcountry’sgranddemocratictradition.”
Feelingbuoyedbyherapproval—Iwasasimplecreature,alas—Iputonthelanyardandletmyselfgetcaughtupinthecrowd.ThePalmerCenterwasmuchbiggerthanwherethey’dheldthefirstdebate.Leehadtoldmetheaudiencedemandwassohighthistimearoundthatthedebateorganizershaddecidedtoswitchtoalargervenue.Notonlyweretheretonsofpeople,buttheatmospherefeltbuzzyandelectric,almostlikeaconcert.Clearly,peopleloveddrama,andifnothingelse,thegubernatorialracehadservedthatuponasilverplatter.AtleastLogancouldtakeheartknowinghispublicimplosionhadenticedmorepeopletoengagewithpolitics.
Thecrowdwasperfectforhidingin.I’dborrowedablondwigfromLee—refusingtolethertellmewhysheownedit—andworemyblue-lightglassesandoneofmyoldcardigansets,cosplayingasablondemebeforethecampaignmakeover.IkeptmyheadduckedasIfoundaseatintheback,sinkinglowerwhenIspottedNoraandCaryslideintothefrontrowrightbeforethecurtainslifted.Fromthatmomenton,myheartwasarunawaytrain.Thiswasthefinaldebate.IfLoganrepeatedhislastperformance,hewasdonefor.
ThelightsflashedandtheannouncerintroducedLoganandGovernorMane,whostrodeouttoapplauseandaswellingrenditionof“AmericatheBeautiful.”Whenthecrowdsettled,oneofthemoderators,aUTprofessor,directedthefirstquestiontothegovernor.
“GovernorMane,whatdoyouplantodoaboutthestate’srisingunemploymentrate?”
Thegovernorgrinnedandadjustedhissignaturebolotie.“Youknow,professor,I’mproudofmytaxincentiveplanthatmakesTexasattractivetobigbusinesses.We’vehadalotofsuccessgettingcorporationstorelocatetheirplantstoTexas,andI’mgoingtobuildonthat.Moreplantsmeansmorejobs.Andalso—”
“Butwhatkindofjobs?”Loganinterrupted.“Low-payingjobswithterriblebenefitsthatburnpeopleout,orgoodqualityjobspeoplecanturnintocareers?”
Isatstraighterasmurmursrippledthroughtheaudience.Logan’sfacewaslargeonthejumboscreen,andIknewthatdoggedlook:ThiswastheoldLogan.TherealLogan,themanwholovedtofightanddidn’tcareaboutthingslikedecorumordeference.
“Excuseme?”Maneasked.
“It’snotMr.Arthur’s—”themoderatorstarted,butLoganbarreledon.
“YouthinkbringingmorefactoriestoTexasisthesolutiontohelpingtheeconomy,butyourlastfouryearsdisprovethatapproach.That’swhyunemployment’sstillashighasitis.”
LoudgrumblingsoundedfromtheRNCside,butLoganwasn’tdone.
“Youcan’ttossshittyjobsatpeople,jobswithouthealthcare,back-breakingjobswithsky-highattritionrates,andcallthatawin.Thesefactoryjobsyou’rebraggingabout?TheonlypeopletrulyhelpedbythosearethebillionaireCEOswhogettododgetaxesthankstoyourincentiveplan.”
“Mr.Logan,swearingisnotallowed,”exclaimedthemoderator,whowasvisiblysweating.IcaughtNoraclutchingherhair.
“They’regoodjobs,”arguedthegovernor,who’dgrownalittleredintheface.“Honest,hardworkingpeoplearejustaskingforashot—”
“Theyshouldbeaskingformorethanashot,”Logancountered.“Theywantmore,andyou’dknowifyoueversteppedoutsidethoseswankycountryclubsyouliketoholeupinwithyouroldfootballpals.”
Oh,God—Loganwasgoingforit,fullthrottle.Nomorenoncombative.Hewasignoringhisadvisers’instructions.Ididn’tknowwhethertocheerorwringmyhands.
“Atthesametimeyou’rebringingtheseso-calledgreatjobstothestate,you’reguttingunionsormakingshadydealswithunionleaders—”TheaudienceeruptedintowhispersatthereferencetoSonnyandKai.“Therebydestroyingprotectionsforworkers.Peopleneedhealthcare,governor.Theyneedtobepaidmorethanminimumwage.Theyneedtobeabletoaffordtheirrent.Youcan’tbragaboutbringingjobstothestateunlessyou’retalkingaboutthekindsofjobsyou’dbewillingtoworkyourself.Untilthen,your‘unemploymentplan—’”ofcoursehewasmakingairquotes“—isjustacorporatetaxbreakbyanothername.”
Theentireleftsideoftheauditoriumbrokeintoapplause,drowningthegovernor’sresponse.Hisfacehadgonefromred-tingedtofull-blowntomato.
“Ifwecouldpivottothoughtsonnuclearpower,”asecondmoderatortried,butGovernorManewaseyeingtheaudience,severalofwhomhadclimbedtotheirfeettocheerLogan.
“Boldtalkfromamanwhojustpubliclyadmittedhe’saliar,”burstthegovernor,andtheapplausediedinasuddenarcticgust.“Howarevoterssupposedtohavefaithinamanwhoconcoctedaharebrainedschemetofakedateawomantohidehissexualindiscretions?”
Myheartleapedintomythroat.OfcoursethegovernorwasbringingupLogan’sworstmistake—he’dbeafoolnotto.Butknowingitwasinevitabledidn’tlessenthepainwhenIsawpanicflashoverLogan’sface.
Butthenthemostunexpectedthinghappened.Maybeitwasbecausehewassoclosetotheendandtherewasnothinglefttolose.Maybehefiguredhewasagoneranyway.OrmaybeLoganArthurwasjustthatmuchofastubbornjackass.Whateveritwas,thepanicmeltedfromhisexpressionandhesmiled.“Youknowwhat,governor?Idon’tregretit.”
Youcould’veheardapindrop.
GovernorManeblinked,wheelsturninginhishead,beforeitoccurredtohimthatLoganhadjusthandedhimagift.Hiseyesgleamed.“Youdon’tregretlyingtoyourfutureconstituents?”Hesweptahandattheaudience.“Thesefinepeople?”
“No,Idoregretlying.IknewitwasabadideaandIdiditanyway.Ididn’tthinkIcouldbefullyhonestaboutwhoIwasandstandachanceofwinning.SoIregretnothavingmorefaithinmyself,orthepeopleofTexas.ButwhatIdon’tregretismakingAlexisStonemypartner.”
Myhandsflewtomymouth.On-screen,thecamerazoomedinonLogan’sface.Heliftedhischin,eyesblazing.“IbelieveinthecampaignAlexisandIbuilttogether,andIadmirethehelloutofherbrain,herheart,andherspine.Shewasendlesslybrave,leapingoutofhercomfortzone,andwatchingherdothatmademebetter.Youcan’tbearoundsomeonelikethatwithouttheexamplesoakingin.”
HewasdescribingmelikeIwassomesortofhero.Allaroundme,audiencememberswereglancingateachotherindisbelief.ButIonlyhadeyesforhim.
“SoI’mgoingtoleapoutofmycomfortzonerightnowanddosomethingmycampaignisgoingtokillmefor.Butwhatthehell—I’vealreadytangledmypersonalandprofessionallives.MyrelationshipwithAlexismight’vebeenalie,butitwasrealforme.Shewasrealforme,theentiretime.AndshewokemeuptowhatIreallywanted.WhatIcareaboutthemost.”
SomeoneontheRNCsidewolfwhistled,andtherestoftheaudiencelaughed.Mycheekswereonfire.Onstage—onscreen—Logansmiled,blushtinginghischeeksforthefirsttimesinceI’dknownhim.
Tomehe’dfeltlikeadreamIwanteddesperatelytosinkinto,andtohimI’dbeenrealfromthestart.Ipressedmyhandstomychest,feelingmyheartpoundthroughmyribcage,myfingers,mythroat.Icouldn’tbelievethiswashappening.
“Sono,Governor,Idon’tregretit,”Logansaid.“Andpersonally,I’dratherelectacandidatewhomadeamistakeandowneditthanonewho’smadefalsepromisesforyearsbutnevershowsremorse.Ihopevoterswillagree.”
Manestartedsputteringacounterpoint,butforalongmomentthecamerasstayedonLogan,drawnbytheshininglookhewasgivingtheaudience,thewholeofhisfaceradiatingconfidence.HerewasthemanI’dmetattheFleurdeLis,themanwho’dhelpedteachmeaboutstickingtomyguns,thefirebrandfromeverypracticesession.
HerewasthemanIloved,prevailingagainsttheodds.Iclappedwiththerestoftheaudience,pushingawaytendrilsofsadnessthatIwasstuckhere,watchingwithpridefromtheshadows.41Macoween
SomuchhadchangedsincethenightIsatintheItalianrestaurantIlTempesto,bawlingmyeyesoutasAnnieproposedtoZoey—bothforthegoodandthebad.ButthechangesIwasmostgratefulforwerethetwistsoffatethathadbroughtmetothismoment,standingonZoey’ssideoftheaisleinmyblackbridesmaid’sdress.AllofZoeyandAnnie’sbridesmaidswerelinedup,awaitingthechangeinmusicthatwouldsignalthebrides’bigentrance.Acrossfromme,onAnnie’sside,Leestoodproudinherownblackdress,whichwasgranderandfluffierthantherestofourstodenoteherstatusasAnnie’smaidofhonor(adifferenceshe’dinsistedon).BehindLeestoodClaire,Mac,andAnnie’soldersister,Karen.OnZoey’sside,IwassquishedbetweenLaylaandHelen,theactressandglassblowerfromthebachelorette,aswellasZoey’sbeamingmother,whowasZoey’smatronofhonor.Apparently,traditionsweretoZoeywhattheyweretoLogan:thingstobenoddedat,thenignored.HowfunnythatI’dgivenmyhearttosomanyrulebreakers.
Ontheothersideoftheweddingarch,Leeswishedherballgowntogetmyattention.“Thisvenueisgorgeous,isn’tit?”SheglancedbackatMac,whostoodbehindher.“SorryMac,butthisisthebestMacoweenyet.”
HalloweenfellonMac’sbirthday,soLeeandherfriendshadcalleditMacoweeneversincecollege.Accordingtothem,itwasamagicalnight,bringinggoodlucktoall.Leeusedtoswearshecouldn’tgethungoverafterMacoween,thoughrecentlyshe’dconcededthatshemayhaveconfusedthepowerofMacoweenwiththepowerofhertwenties.
“I’mokaywiththat,”Macsaid.“It’sAnnieandZoey’syeartogetthelion’sshareoftheMacoweenmagic.”
Westoodinanoldrenovatedchurch,surroundedbybrickwallsandexposedwoodenbeams.ThewallswerelitgoldenbyflickeringcandlesandhungwithartfromtheTiteStreetArtistCollective,noneofwhichwastechnicallyappropriateforawedding—afewoftheolderguestscouldn’tstopstaringatapaintingofabare-chestedmermaid,forexample.Whiteflowerstrailedfromthechairsguestsslidinto,andastringquartetsatinthecornerplayingdreamymusic.Itwasamash-upofelegantandplayful,perfectlyAnnieandZoey.
Themusicstartedtoswell.Istraightenedtoattentionwiththerestofthebridesmaids,eyeskeyedontheplacethebrideswouldmaketheirentrance,thencaughtmovementoutofthecornerofmyeye.Alast-minuteguestdashedtotheirseat.Iturnedtoglare,thengasped.
ItwasLogan,inatuxedo,duckingintoachair.
Oureyeslockedandawarmgrinspreadoverhisface.Hi,hemouthed,then,Wait,youknowthem?HepointedatwhereAnnieandZoeywouldarrive,feigningshock.
“IsthatLogan?”Leehissed.
“Shh,”Clairereprimanded.
Hewashere.Butweweren’tsupposedtobeanywhereneareachother.Whatwashedoing?
“Ithinksomeoneelsemight’vegottentheMacoweenmagicthisyear,”Leewhispered.
Icouldn’tdragmyeyesfromLogan.HewaslookingatmelikeIwastheonewalkingdowntheaisletowardhim,andIwaseverythinghe’deverwanted…Mywholebodytingled,almostpainfullyalive.
ThenthequartetstartedthebridalprocessionandLoganrosewiththeotherguests,breakingourstare.Zoeyappeared,radiantinawhitedress,arminarmwithherfather,andeverythingexceptmypoundingheart,filledtothebrimwithloveandpride,fadedaway.
OnceAnnieandZoeykissedtoanexplosionofcheeringandthebridesmaidssweptafterthemdowntheaisle,andthenweposedfortwelvemillionpictures,wewerefinallyletlooseforcocktailhour.Ipracticallyranintothewhitetentinthegarden,scanningthetables,thedancefloor,thepeopleatthebar.NoLogan.Myheartdropped.HadIhallucinatedhim?Iwouldn’tputitpastme.
“Alexis.”Adeepvoicecamefrombehindme.Thevoice.
IletmyeyesflutterclosedforasecondbeforeIturned.WhenIdid,Idrankhimin.Sharpsuit,sharpjaw,sharpeyes.Itookadeepbreath.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Heheldoutachampagneflute.“Zoeyinvitedme.Ihopethat’sokay.”
Justlikeherbacheloretteparty,ZoeyhadinvitedLoganwithouttellingme.Thatbeautiful,wonderfultraitor.Itooktheglassfromhim,downedit,andsetitaside,ignoringhisraisedeyebrows.“Butwe’renotallowedneareachother.Whatabouttheelection?”
Hiseyesgrewdarkandserious.“Icametoaskif,fortonight,wecouldpretendtherewasnoelection.Justbeourselves—benormal.I’llbeahot-headedTottenhamfanwithaswearingproblem,andyoucanbeabrilliant,softheartedstoryteller.”Thecornersofhismouthtuggedup.“Wholooksreallygoodinacardigan,asIwasremindedofrecently.”
Ifeltmycheeksheat.Caught.“Thedebatewasfreeandopentothepublic—wait,that’snotthepoint.”Theurgetoprotecthimwastoostrong.“Ifsomeonecatchesus…Logan,theelection’sonlydaysaway.”
Heshookhishead.“Thecampaignhastakenenough.Ijustwantonenight.”Heheldouthishand.“Please—dancewithme?”
Ilookedatthedancefloor.Neveronefortradition,ZoeyandAnniehadopeneditearly,butonlyZoey’sgrandparentsswayedtothesoftmusic.“Everyonewillstare.”
Hegavemeacrookedgrin.“That’sneverstoppedusbefore.”
LoganArthurlookedlikeaprinceinamidnight-blacktuxedo,hishandextended.Behindhim,thequartetrantheirbowsslowlyacrossslenderstrings,andthelightfromthecandlesmadethetentglow,givinghimasoft,diffusedhalo.Thiswasascenefromadreamifthereeverwasone.Forthefirsttime,Iallowedmyselftosinkintoit,slidingmyfingertipsacrosshispalm.Hecurledhishandaroundmineandledmetothedancefloor.
Wedrewclose,hisotherarmcirclingmywaist.Theheatofhisbodyrelaxedme,andIrestedmyheadonhisshoulder.Icouldfeelpeople’seyes,butsuddenlyIdidn’tcare.Thiswasmydream,afterall.
“Youknow.”Loganspokesoftlyintomyear,makingmeshiver.“IonlywenttotheFleurdeListhatnighttoblowoffsteamafterabadday.”
Itookadeepinhaleofhiswoodsy-berryscentandpicturedhimthenightwemet,sleevesrolledupandexpressionweary,butwiththatsparkinhiseyes.Thestranger-turned-surprise-defender.Thebeautifultroublemaker.
“Thebarwasclosetotheoffice,andIthought,hey,whynotstopinandhaveonedrink,thengohome.That’swhatIhadeveryintentionofdoing.UntilImetyou.”
Ilookedupathim,unabletostopmyselffromteasing.“Andwhat,youfiguredanightwithmewouldunwindyoubetter?”
“No.”Heshookhishead.“Youweren’tpartoftheplan.Noneofwhat’shappenedsincethatnightwaspartoftheplan.”
Icastmyeyesdown,buthecuppedmyjawandliftedituntiloureyesmet.Idrewasharpbreath.BecauseLoganwasnolongerabookIcouldn’tread.Hiswholeheartwasinhiseyes.“You’resomuchbetterthantheplan.”
Thelightnessthatfilledmychestliftedusbothofftheflooruntilwefloatedonacloud,thecandlelighttwinklinglikestars,oratleastthat’showitfelt,howIpicturedit.Andsometimes,asLoganhadtriedsohardtotellme,fictionscouldbethetruestpartsoflife.
“I’vemissedyou,”hewhispered.“Somuch.”
Iclosedmyeyes.“IhaveahundredthingstotellyouandIdon’tknowhowtochoose.”
“Thentellmeeverything.”Hebrushedhischeekagainstmine,hisstubbletickling.“Willyougivemetonight?”
Inresponse,becausethiswasmydream,ItookhisfaceinmyhandsandIkissedhim.Ikissedhimuntilhegroanedsoftlyandpushedhishandsthroughmyhair,untilhislipspartedtoletmein,untilmyheartbeatitswayoutofmychest,andtookoffsoaring.IkissedLoganforallIwasworth—whichwassomuch,ashehadtriedsomanytimestotellme.42AlexisStone’sOne-NightStand
“Cheers!”Insidethetent,everyoneraisedglitteringglassesofchampagneasAnnie’sfatherendedhisspeech,impressivelydeliveredfirstinKorean,theninEnglish.Asthepartybuzzedbacktohighvolume,IslidmychairclosertoLogan’s.Heturnedtome,hisfacelitwiththepurepleasureofseeingtwofamiliesdizzyinlove,andfromthesimplehappinessofwatchingsomeoneelsegiveaspeechforonce.Isqueezedhishandandhelookeddownatwhereourfingersintertwinedonhisthigh.Histhumbtappedanimpatientrhythm,thestaccatobeatofrestraint.Heraisedourhandsandpressedakisstomyknuckles.AsIlookedathim,thefullweightofhowmuchIwantedhimhitme.Afterholdingitinforsolong,Inearlytrembledwithit.Goosebumpsracedupmyarms.
“Cold?”heasked,reachingtotakeoffhisjacket.
Thistime,Ididn’thavetolie.“No.Putyourhandsonme.Please.”
Hiseyesgrewinstantlydarker.“Here?”
“Everywhere.”Itturnedoutitwasn’thardtobeboldwhenyouwantedsobadlyyoucouldn’tthinkstraight.Allthistime,Ihadn’tbeendeficient:I’dsimplybeenmissingLogan.Iuncrossedmylegsunderthetableandslidhishandunderthechiffonlayersofmydress.Hispalmwasroughwherethedresshadbeensilky,andIshiveredatthedifference.Helookedatmeamoment,thelinesofhisfacetracedbycandlelightandshadows,andthenwithonestrongtughepulledmychaircloser.Iwaspracticallyinhislapnow,butthepeoplearoundusweredrunkandgettinguptodance.
“Don’tmove.”Hismouthcrookedintoasmile.“Actlikeeverything’snormal.”
“GoodthingI’mpracticed.”
Hishandtracedapathofheatupmythigh.Itiltedmyhipinhisdirection,buthedidn’tobey,skimmingclosetotheseamofmypanties,thendippingaway.
Imadeasoftstrangledsoundandclosedmyeyes.WhenIopenedthem,Loganlookedatmelikehewantedtodevourme.
“YoucloseyoureyeswheneverItouchyou.Why?”
HislongfingertracedthelaceattheseamandIquivered.“Becausebeingwithyoufeelslikeadream,andIwanttostayinsideit.”
Heswallowedhard.Underthetable,hisfingersslippedupandstrokedme,histouchgrowingmoreinsistent.Icheckedthatnoonewaswatchingandrolledmyhips,movingagainsthishand.Itwasenoughtomakemecatchfire.Heansweredbymovinghisfingersinslow,teasingcircles.Icaughthisfreehandandbithisthumb.
“Comeon,”hesaid,rescindinghishandsandstanding.Igroanedatthelossofcontact,buthereacheddownandsmoothedmydress,thentuggedmeup.
Ihadtoskiptokeeppacewithhimashestrodeoutofthetent,handwrappedfirmlyaroundmine.Weenteredadarkgarden,amazeofcypresstreestallandthinasmatchsticks,peachy-pinkroses,andperfectlytrimmedhedges,thedreamymusicandtwinklingstarsformingafairy-talesetting.Ilookedaroundinwonder.“Wherearewegoing?”
Hepulledouthisphone.“Ihaveasurprise.”
ItfeltlikeI’dspenttwenty-sevenyearswaitingforhim,andIdidn’twanttowaitanymore.IpushedLoganagainstacypresstreeandheardthesatisfyingcrunchofthebranchesgiving,thenholdinghisweight.Heblinkedandthrewhisphoneintothegrass,sinkinghishandsintomyhair.ForasinglemomentthethoughtblazedthatLeewouldbeveryproudofmerightnow,andthenIputawayallthoughtsofmysister.
IsteppedbetweenLogan’slegsandhishandsslippeddown,slidingovermycurves,cuppingmyass.Hegroundmeagainsthiships.Myvoicecameoutbreathless.“I’vewantedtodothiseverydayofthecampaign.”
Hisfeverisheyesdroppedtomylips.Ipressedahandtohisforeheadandhetrembled.“Youshouldhave.Icouldnevertellwhatyouwanted.”
Itippedmyheadbackandlaughed.Logantookadvantageandkissedacolumndownmythroat.“What’ssofunny?”
“Youweretheonewhowasimpossibletoread.”
Herestedhisforeheadagainstmine.“Iwastryingtosticktoourrules.That’swhatIthoughtyouwanted.ButinsideIwasdrowning.”
“Youandthosedamnrules,”Iwhispered,brushingmylipsagainsthis.
Hespokebetweenkisses.“Iwantedtodoitright.Bethekindofpersonyoudeserve.”
Istoodonmytiptoestodeepenthekiss,buthisgazefellovermyshouldertohisphone,litinthegrass.“Uber’shere.”
Igroaned.
Helungedforthephone.“Trustme.It’llbeworththewait.”
TheUberswepttoastopinfrontoftheFleurdeLis,itstallspirerebuilt,gleamingagainstthenightsky.WhenIturnedtoLogan,Iknewmyheartwasinmyeyes.
Hesqueezedmyknee.“Ioweyouanighthere.”
Iswallowedpastthelumpinmythroatandmanagedasmile.“Ifafreakthunderstormhitstonight,I’mquittingthelibrarytobecomeaclimateactivist.”
Heroaredalaughandpushedopenthedoor.“Comeon,Ruby.I’vebeenwaitingalongtimetokissyouintheGovernor’ssuite.”
Unlikethefirstnight,thistimewedidn’tstumbledownthehalltoourroom.Wemightonlyhavethisonenighttogether,butitwasn’tcasual.Whenwesteppedinsidethesuiteandthelightsglowed,illuminatingLogan’sseriousface,myheartbegantorace.
“What?”Hesteppedcloser.Theperfectpicture,standingwherehe’dstoodmonthsbefore.
Ishookmyhead.“You’retoobeautiful.Toomuch.”
Hestaredatmeforalong,chargedmoment.Andthenslowly,hesanktohisknees.
“Logan—”
“Eversincethenightwemet,I’vebeentryingtofigureoutwhatyoureyesremindedmeof.Ifinallydecidedthey’rehoney-brownwithgreenflecks.Aconstellationtrappedinamber.Thegoldisbrightestwhenyou’rehappy.”Helookedupatmelikeaknightpledgingallegiance.“They’resobeautifulIhadtotrainmyselfnottolookatyoutoolongwhenIspoke.Otherwise,Iwould’vebeenlosteverytimeItriedtogiveaspeech.”Gently,hepulledupthelayersofmydress.“Thewayyousmelldrivesmewild.Flowers,butsolightitdisappearswhenyoutrytochaseit.Everytimeithitmeintheconferenceroomittookallmywillpowernottoclimbacrossthetableandkissyou.MycouchsmelledlikeyouforafulldayafteryoucameoverandIcurledinthoseblanketswhenIgothomefromworkandtriedtotellmyselfIwasjustinthemoodtowatchmoviesallnight.”
Istoodstock-still,drowninginhislitany.Loganhookedhisfingersunderthelaceofmypantiesandtuggedthemdown.MylegsfeltbonelessasIleanedagainstthewall,shoulderbladesfirst.Whenhelookedup,hiseyesweresmoldering,hisvoicehypnotic.“I’vememorizedthewayyoulookwhenyou’rehappy,thewayyousoundwhenyoulaugh,howyoupressyoureyesclosedwhenItouchyou.”Hisvoicethickened.“Likenow.”
Myeyesflutteredopen.
“AllI’vethoughtaboutsincethelasttimewewereinthissuiteishowmuchIwantedtorewindtimeandcomeback.Doeverythingdifferent.”Hetouchedmebetweenmylegs;long,unhurriedstrokes.Myheadfellbackagainstthewall.“ItoldyouIthinkIlosemymindaroundyou.Thetruthis,Ifeellikeateenageragain,thewayIcan’tstopthinkingaboutyou,thethingsIhavetodojusttogetrelief.YouthinkI’mtoomuchforyou?”Heshookhishead.“You’retheonewho’stoomuch.Doyouknowwhatit’sliketoworkforsomethingyourwholelifeandthenhavesomeonewalkinandbecomethemostimportantthingtoyouinaninstant?Everythingchangedatthedropofahat.It’sfuckingdisorienting,Alexis.Youturnedmeupsidedown.”
“Please,”Iwhispered.Mykneesbentathistouch,hiswords.Myshoulderssankdownthewall.
“AndnowallIcanthinkis…”Hemovedcloserstill,slidingonhiskneesacrossthefloor.“Fuckleadinganyone.Iwanttofollowyouonmyhandsandkneesacrossthedesert.”
Iwasalreadysoturnedonthatwhenhisfingersslidinsideme,evensocarefully,Iarchedoffthewall.Hefollowedhisfingerswithhismouth,lickingandcurlinghistongueuntilImadeasoundclosetoasob.Eachstrokemademybodycrackletolife,alandscapeofsmallfireworks.ThesensationsbuiltandbuiltuntilIfeltlikeImightscream.
Itwistedmyfingersinhisthickhairandhehummedintome,makingmerisetomytiptoes.Hereleasedmydressandhishandsslidtothesmallofmyback,pullingmenearer,fingersdiggingintomyspinelikehecouldn’tgetmecloseenough.ThepressureofhistongueintensifiedandIrealizedhewasshowingmehowhungryhewas,howdesperateImadehim,inawaythatwasstrongerthanwords,strongenoughtoerasewhatanyothermanhadevertoldme.Theknowledgethathecravedmethisintensely—hadcravedmeformonths—mademefeelsopowerful.Powerful,andsafe.Isankagainstthewall,musclesrelaxingthatfinalcrucialinch.Sowhenhecircledhisthumb,tongueurgingmeon,buildingapulsingpleasureinsideme,Icriedout.Hesqueezedmyhips,lickingmesoftlyasIcamedown.
IdraggedinmouthfulsofairasLoganstaggeredtohisfeet,pupilsblown,lookinghalf-drugged.“Yourmouth,”Irasped.“Ofcourseyoucandothatwithyourmouth.”LoganArthur’smouthwastroubleinsomanyways.
Hegrinnedandseizedme,kissingmefiercelyinawaythattoldmehewasjustgettingstarted.ForaminuteIsimplydrownedinhim.Kissinghim,touchinghim,wasthebestfeelingonearth.WhenIfinallypulledbackforair,IwasnolongerembarrassedbywhatIwanted.“More,”Iwhispered.
Hebitmybottomlip.“Turnaround.”
Iobeyed.Logan’shandspannedmywaist,keepingmesteady,whileheslowlyunzippedmydress.Thestrapsfellawaylikepetalsoffarose.Hetracedafingerdownmyspine.“Sobeautifulithurts,”hewhispered,kissingmyneck.Goosebumpsliftedovermywholebody.
Iwasnakedandhewasstillinhistux,butforonceIdidn’tmindbeingthecenterofattention.Itiltedmyheadtogivehimbetteraccesstomyneck.MynipplespeakedasLogan’shandsslippedaroundmetocupmybreasts,drawingmecloseruntilmybackwaspressedfirmlyagainsthischest.Foramomentwejuststoodthere,lostinhowperfectlyourbodiesfittogether.
Icouldfeeltheevidenceofhowmuchhewantedmepressedagainstmyback,andpushedpastmyshyness.“WhenIimaginedthis,Ipictured…”
Hesankhisteethgentlyintomyneck.“Tellme.”
“Upstairs.”
Hestilled.Andtheninonefluidmovement,Loganpickedmeup,anechoofthewayhe’dcarriedmethatveryfirstnight.Exceptthistime,hecarriedmeupthespiralstaircasetothesecondfloorofthesuite.Tothebedroom.
Dimmedlampsbookendedasoftwhitebed.Loganbentandsetmegentlyonit.
Beforehecouldretreat,Icaughthisfaceinmyhands.“Youweren’ttheonlyonewhowastorturedtheselastmonths,youknow.”
Hedrewadeepbreath.Hiseyesburned.“Good.”
Ipulledhismouthtomineandhedroppedtohiskneesinfrontofthebed.Thiskisswasdecadent,slowandunhurried.EachtimeItiltedmyheadhechasedme,seekingmore,anditbecameadance.Retreat,pursue,capture.Desirespilledthroughmybodylikewarmhoney.ThiswaswhatIwanted:slowandluxurious.Iwantedsomeonetoburnformesowhite-hothishandprintsbrandedmyskin.Iwantedsomeonetotonguehisnameintome,tocarvehisfeelingsintomyskinwithhisteeth.Iwantedpassionandloveandsecurity—allthreeatthesametime,nocompromise.Itturnedoutthatwaswhatunleashedme.
WithnewurgencyIslidmyhandsunderLogan’ssuitjacketuntilhewrestleditoff.HetuggedattheknotofhisbowtieasIfumbledtounbuttonhisshirt.Whenitfellopen,Idrankinthesightofhim,theslashesofhiscollarbonesmeetingthehardswellofhisshoulders,hisfirmbiceps,hisgoldenskin.Thehintofabssketchingoverhisstomach.
“Standup,”Isaid.Ineededtoconfirmasuspicion.
Loganobeyed,standing,hiseyestrainedonme,sodarkwithdesiretheywerealmostblack.Iranmyfingersovertheridgesofhishipbones,theblackhairtrailinglightlyfromhisbellybutton.Iswallowedhardandhiscocktwitched.ThistimeLoganclosedhiseyes.
Iunzippedhispantsslowly,tuggingthemandhisboxersdownuntilhesteppedoutofboth.ThenLoganArthurwasnakedinfrontofme:Allsixfeet,twoinches,firm,muscularass,thicksoccerplayer’sthighs,hishardlengthrisingagainsthisstomach.Istaredinwonder.Mysuspicionwasright.HewasbiggerthananymanI’deverbeenwith,hissizesomethingI’dfeltthroughhisclothesandwonderedat.Iresistedthesuddenurgetojokethatwhilehemaynottalksoft,Logandidcarryabigstick.
Heopenedoneeyeandlookeddownatme.“Fuck,Alexis.Saysomething.”
Itoldhimthetruth.“Everythingaboutyoumakesmeverynervousandveryhappyatthesametime.”
Heloomedoverme,allheightandbulk,andsmiled,smallandsoft.Briefly,Ifeltthefearthatcomeswithwantingsomeonesodeeplyyouknownothinginyourlifewilleverbethesame.ThenLogansaid,“Iknowexactlywhatyoumean.”Andthefearmeltedaway.
Ireachedout,takinghishardlengthinmyhand,strokinghimsoftlyatfirstandthenmoreinsistently,gettingusedtohissize.IbuiltarhythmthathadLogangroaninguntilhesuddenlyarchedupontheballsofhisfeetandstilledme.“Stop—youhavetostop.”
Hebenttopickuphiswalletandpulledacondomoutofit.Islidbackonthebed,watchingasherolleditondeftly.Then,withoutwarning,Logangrinnedandseizedmyankles,draggingmebacktohimwhileIyelped.
“Tellmemoreaboutwhatyouimagined,”hesaid,awickedglintinhiseyes.
Iwilledcourage.“Youinsideme,overandover.Allnight.Untilneitherofuscanwalk.”
Hiseyesshutbriefly.“Yeah,”herasped.Hesatnexttomeonthebedandpulledmeontopofhim.“Well.YouknowIlivetoserve.”
Hecuppedmyjaw,kissingmefeverishly.Slowly,Isankontohim,gaspingintohismouthwhenhefilledmesodeepIhadtostillforamoment.Thiswasgoingtobeitforme,wasn’tit?Iwasgoingtobecomeaddictedtothisman,tothisfeeling,andtherewouldbenogoingback.
Logangrippedmywaistandrolledhiships,pushingdeeper.Isuckedinabreath,fingernailsdiggingintohisshoulders.Andthen,assoonasmybodyadjusted,theswitchflipped.AllIwantedwasmore.Igroundagainsthim.
Logan’slipsskimmedmyear.“Trustme,”hewhispered.Thenheswepthishandstomybackanddippedmelower,changingtheangle.
Ialmostcriedout.Everymovementsenthimsodeep.Thatfeelingstartedtobuildagain,exceptthistimeitwasalmostunrecognizableinitsdepth,asifIwasdrawingfromadeepuntappedwellofsensation.WhenImoaned,itwasaraggedsound.
“Good,”hecoaxed,grippingmyhips.
Istoppedthinkingandletgo,ridinghimuntilwewerebothsweatingandgasping,untilmyfingernailslefthalf-moonmarksinhisbiceps,untilIwasnothingmorethanthesteadypulsebetweenmythighs.Here-angledmeandthrustdeeper,clutchingatmyhair,suckingmylip,andIshattered,comingsohardithitmeinwaves,refusingtobedonewithme.Icrumpledandhepulledmeintohischest.
“Shh.”Hespokeintomydamphair.“Catchyourbreathsowecangoagain.”
Ilookedupathim,mychestheaving,gaspingforbreath,andhegrinned.“Yougavemeorders.Allnight.Everyposition.There’snowayI’mlettingyoudown.Sobuckleup.”
GoodGod.AlexisStone:notamouse.Asexgenius..
Hourslaterwelaytangled,bodiesspent.IsuspectedI’dcomeapartmoreinonenightwithLoganthanIhadinallmypastrelationshipscombined.Hiseyeswereclosed,hisfacesocloseournosestouched.Istrokedhishair.Itwaswrecked,stickingupineveryangle.LoganArthur,fiercebrashman,wasnowtenderandvulnerable.
Hislonglashesstirredagainstthepillowandheopenedhiseyes,smilingdrowsily.“Hey,you.What’sthatlookfor?”
“ThisfeelslikethepartwhereIwakeupandrealizeitwasallinmyhead.”
Logan’seyesturnedworried,butIsmiled.“It’sokay.Wesaidonenight.Iknowyourlife’supintheairuntiltheelection.Butyou’regoingtowin,andtheneverythingwillbe…”Thentherewillbenochanceforus.Iswallowed.“Great.You’llfinallyhaveyourdream.”
Hestudiedme.“Rightnow,theonlythingIwantistofallasleepholdingyou.”
Imovedcloserandhewrappedhisarmsaroundme.Itookdeeplungfulsofhisscent,pressingmycheektowherehispulsemovedinhisthroat,listeningtothesteadybeatofhisheart.
WhenIwasverynearlyasleepandtheworldwaswarmandhazy,Ifelthimkissmytemplesoftly.Thenhewhispered,sofaintitwasbarelymorethanabreath,“Whateverittakes,letmekeepher.”43ElectionNight
“Youreallydidn’thavetocome,”Itoldmymom,openingmyarmstohugher.IstoodoutsideLee’shouseatdusk,starsshiningweaklyaboveusinthedeepeningsky.
“Nonsense.”Sheshutthepassengerdoorandsqueezedme.“IwasplanningtocometheminutethenewsbrokeaboutyouandLoganbreakingup,butLeesaidtogiveyoutime.”
“We’realwayshappytomakethedrive.”Mom’sboyfriend,Ethan,climbedoutofthedriver’sside.“Nothingmakesyourmomhappierthanseeingyougirls.”
Ipulledback.“I’msorryforlyingtoyouaboutbeinginarelationshipwithLogan.Forwhatit’sworth,Ialsowasn’tlying.It’scomplicated.”
Shekissedmyforehead.“Alexis,honey,I’myourmotherandyourdirector.AndIhatetobreakittoyou,butyou’renotthatgoodofanactor.Iknewyouwerereallyinlove.”
BeforeIcouldfeeltoochastened,Ethaninterrupted,pullinganaluminum-wrappedcasseroledishoutofthebackseat.“Wheredoyouwanttheseven-layerdip?”Themanwasawizardinthekitchen.Leelikedtosayhe’dwormedhiswayintoourheartsthroughourstomachs.Healsoalwaysdressedlikeaprofessor,whichwasnotonlyendearingbutaone-eightyfrommyfather,whoIrememberedinbusinesssuitsmoreoftenthannot.Isqueezedmymom’shand.Sometimesthepeoplewhoendedupbeingrightforuswerenottheonesweexpected.
“Youcanputitoutinthelivingroom,”ItoldEthan.“Thegang’salreadyhere.Votesshouldstartrollinginanyminute.”
AsEthanhurriedtodeliverhisdip,Momturnedtome.“Hownervousareyou,onascaleofonetoten?”
“Fifteen.”Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.AllofLogan’shardworkandsacrificecamedowntotonight.I’dneverwantedanythingsobadlyforanotherperson.
“I’mfeelinghopeful,”shesaid,tuggingmetowardthehouse.“He’sbeendoinggreatsincetheseconddebate.Andsincethecommercialaired,nottotootmyownhorn.”
Ilaughed.“Tootaway.I’msureanygainshe’smadethislastweekallcomedowntothecommercial.”
EveryonehadcometoLeeandBen’selectionparty:ClaireandSimon,MacandTed,MurielandCarmen,Giaandherhusband.EvenWill,thatclassact.OnlyZoeyandAnnieweremissing,offintheMaldivesontheirhoneymoon.
PartofmewasgladIwasn’tinvitedtotheofficialcampaignparty.Ididn’tthinkIcould’vehandledthislevelofpressurewhileputtingonasmile.Itwashardenoughwearingabravefacenow.WhenmymomandIwalkedintothelivingroom,everypairofeyesswungtomelikeIwastheonewhosefatewouldbedecidedtonight.Which,inaway,IguessIwas.
Asexpected,LoganhadbeengonebythetimeIwokeupinthehotelroom,escapingintheearlymorninghourstominimizethechancesomeonewouldspothim.He’dleftanoteonthehotelstationarythatsaidOnelastpush
“PunditsaresayingLoganispollingreallyhigh.”LeepointedherwineatthetalkingheadonTV.“Thislastweeksincethedebatehasbeenhugeforhim.”
Bennodded.“Peoplelikedhishonestyatthedebate.Ithinkhecouldpulloffanupset.”
Theybothsoundedliketheyweretryinghardtobeoptimistic.
“Whydon’tyouhelpmefindservingdishes,”saidmymom,steeringmeintothekitchen.
ForafewminuteswecombedthroughLee’scabinetsincompanionablesilence.“IguessyouwererightaboutEthannottakingithardthatyoudidn’twanttomoveinwithhim,”Isaid.“Heseemscheerfulasever.”
Momwassilentforamoment,pushingpastsomeofBen’sproteinmixers.Butwhenshespoke,hertonestilledme.“Honey.Whatmakesyouthinkloveissuchaprecariousthing?”
Idrewup,lettinggoofthecabinetdoor.Wasn’titobvious?“YouandDad.Whenhecheated,thenleft.”
Shegrippedthecounterasshestood.“YourdadandIdivorced,true.Butnoneoftheloveourfamilyhadforeachotherwentaway.”
“But…”Howdidshenotunderstand?“Hestoppedlovingyou.Andyousaiditwasbecauseyoustoppedgivinghimwhatheneeded.”
“Isaidthat?”
“Yes.OnenightwhenIwascryingandcametosleepinyourbed.”
Mymothershookherhead.“Idon’trememberthat.Thetruthis,Iwassoafraidyourrelationshipwithyourfatherwouldbedamagedafterwhathedid—Leewasalreadysoangry—thatItriedtofindwaystotalkaboutitwithoutblaminghim.I’msorryifImadeyouthinkyourdadleftbecauseI’dstopped…Idon’tknow,appeasinghim.”
“Youneverblamedyourself?”
Sheactuallylaughed.“Notforaminute.Thedissolutionofmymarriage,asmuchasyoucaneversaythesethingsareanyone’sfault,certainlywasn’tmine.Itwasn’tduetosomefailingonmypart.ItwasaboutRichardfallinginlovewithanotherpersonandmakingachoice.IcouldnolesshavestoppedthatfromhappeningthanIcould’vestoppedthatdrunkdriverfromrunningtheredlight.”
Thegriefthatlurkedeverpresentinmyheartrosetothesurface.“ButIwaslikeyou.Icouldn’tgetDadtolovemeeither,notasmuchashelovedLee.NomatterwhatIdid.”
“Alexis.”Mymotherwassosurpriseditsoundedlikeanadmonishment.“YourfatherlovedyoujustasmuchasLee.Somuch.Ifthere’sonethingIadmiredaboutRichard,it’sthatyougirlswerealwayshisfirstpriority.Whenthingsgotheatedwithourlawyersovercustody,Richardputastoptoitimmediately.Hesaidhe’ddowhateverittooktosharecustodyofyoutwo.HewaswillingtogivemeanythingIwanted.EvennotmoveinwithMichelleifthat’swhatitwouldtake.”
“Areyouserious?”Irememberedthecoldfeelingofmyfatherdriftingaway,notfightingtokeepme.
“Iwantedyoutohavegoodrelationshipswithhim,”Momsaid.“TheonlytimeIputmyfootdownwaswhenhecametoaskifyoucouldlivefull-timewithhim.Hereallybegged.”
Iblinkedather.“Me?Dadwantedmetolivewithhim?”
Shesmiledwistfully.“Hesaidgettingyouhalfthetimewasn’tenough.Hemissedyouwhenyouweren’ttogether.Heusedtosayhedidn’tknowwhathe’ddowithoutyou,thatyouwerethelightofhislife,hisanchor.LittleLex,hismostconstantsourceofloveandjoy.ButIhadtotellhimno,becauseyouweremine,too.”
Istoodstock-stillasmymother’swordsfilledthewholekitchen.Astheysankundermyskin.ThetruthhadbeensodifferentthanI’drealized.
WhenIstartedtocry,itwasfornotknowinghowmuchhelovedmewhilehewasstillalive.Fortheversionofmewho’dtriedsohardwhenwhatshewantedwasthereallalong.Itwasalmostpainful,feelinglong-brokenpiecesofmyheartfinallymendbacktogether.Mymothersweptmeinherarmsandheldme.
“Alexis!”Leeyelled.“Thevotesarecomingin!”
“Goon,”mymomsaid.“We’lltalkmorelater.”
Ipulledbackandwipedmyeyes,thenjoinedthepartyhuddledaroundtheTVscreen,stillfeelingshaky.
“Thefirstfewcountiescamebackfifty-fifty,”Macsaid,chewinghernails.
Together,wewatchedtheresultsleakin,cheeringwhenacountywentblue,throwingpopcornatthescreenwentitwentred.Mystomachroiled.Theracewasmaddeninglyclose.
“Nomatterwhat,it’samazingLoganputupthiskindofafightagainstanincumbentRepublicaninTexas,”Bensaid.Inarrowedmyeyesathim.
Anothercountycameinforthegovernor.Thenanother.Finally,abluecounty.“Ha!”Iyelled,pointingtriumphantly.Lee’sansweringsmilewashalfhearted.
“Anastonishinglyclosegubernatorialracethisevening,”saidthenewsanchor.“Noonecould’vepredictedevenaweekandahalfagothattheracewouldbethistight.We’recomingdowntothelasttwocounties.”
“IthinkI’mgoingtofaint,”Tedsaid.“Stoner,whereareyourcats?Ineedemotionalsupportanimals.”
“Shh,”Macsaid,becausenowtheanchorwassaying,“Andheretheyare,folks.Thetalliesarein.Itlookslikeit’sfifty-one,forty-nineManeinWilliamsonCounty,fifty-two,forty-eightManeinTarrant.NBC17isofficiallycallingtheTexasgovernor’sraceforincumbentGroverMane.Wow,whatacloseone,folks.”
LeescrambledfortheremoteandshutofftheTV.Painfulsilencefilledtheroom.
Loganlost.DearGod,aftereverythinghe’dgiven.Icouldn’timaginewhathewasfeeling.Myheartdroppedintomystomach.
“Alexis?”Ben’svoicewasgentle.“Areyouokay?”
Istaggeredtomyfeet.“Ihavetogo.”
TheofficialcampaignpartywasattheHotelSaintCeciliaontheothersideoftheriver.IdroveasquicklyasIcould.BythetimeIgottothehotel’sfamouscourtyard,alllitupwithcelebratorytwinklelights,banners,andballoons,thecrowdwassadandthinexceptforaroundthebar,wherethecampaignstaffhadflockedtodrowntheirsorrows.Alonefiguredressedinathree-piecesuitfloatedonhisbackinthepool:Cary,staringmoroselyatthenightsky.IkickedstraysilvertinseloutofmywayasIcrouchedneartheedge.“Hi,Cary.YoulookhowIfeel.”
“Rudy,”hesaidmiserably.“Wefailedhim.”
“Whereishe?”
Carysighed.“Hehadtogiveaconcessionspeech.Thatmanshouldn’thavetoconcedeadamnthinginhislife.He’stherealdeal,youknow?Agenuinelygoodperson.NotMattBomerontheoutside,butontheinside,whereitcounts.”
“Iknow.”Ispottedsomeoneoutofthecornerofmyeyeandrose.“Nora!”
Shewasinthefarthestcorner,idlypullingstreamersupfromtheground,thoughtherewasnowaycleanupwasonherlistofresponsibilities.Irantoherandshedroppedthem.“I’msosorry,”Isaid,andrushedintoherarms.
“Metoo.”Hervoicewasthick.“Butweputupahellofafight.Wecanbeproudofthat.”
“Ifitwasmyfault—”
Sheshookherhead.“Stop.Itwasn’t.”
“Whereishe?”
Shepulledbackandgavemeasadsmile.“Hegaveiteverything,youknow?Itwastoohard.Afterthespeech,heleft.”44I’llFindYouintheDark
IpoundedonLogan’sdoor.Pleaseopen.TheshadesweredrawnsoIcouldn’tseeinside.Ipacedawayfromthedoor,thenracedback,liftingmyhandtoknockagain.
Thedoorswungopen.LoganstoodthereinhisjoggersandagrayT-shirt.Hisblackcurlswereinchaos,cheeksredunderhisstubble,eyesglassy.Theminuteoureyesmet,IfeltlikeI’dbeenpunched,andstaggeredforwardjustintimetocatchhimashebent,handspressedtohismouth,hisheartbreakingopen.
Iheldhimashewept.“It’sokay,it’sokay.”Irepeateditlikeamantra
“Ifailedeveryonewhowascountingonme.”Hechokedonthewords.
“No,youdidn’t.Everyone’ssoproudofyou.”
Heshookhishead,eyeswildwithgrief.“Ileteveryonedown.You,Nora,mystaff,myfamily.Everyonewhovotedforme.”
“Comeon.”Weneededtogetoutofthedoorwayincaseofreporters.IpulledLogantohiscouch,wherehesankwithhisheadinhishands.ThenIshovedthefrontdoorclosedandlockedit.WhenIcameback,Isatnexttohimanddrewhimtomychest.Hepressedhisfaceintomyshoulderandshook.
“Iknowthishurts,”Isaidsoftly.“Iknowit’sgutting.Butyoudidn’tfail.Youdidsomethingremarkable.”
Hisarmscircledme,holdingonlikeIwasabuoyinastorm.“IfIwasbetter,Iwould’vewon.”
Istrokedhisback.“YouweresogoodyoualmostbeataRepublicaninTexas.Youalmostwonaraceyouwereneversupposedtowin.”
“Iwanteditsomuch.”Hisvoicewasragged.InitIheardhisrawandravagedheart.“Mywholelife.Igaveeverything.AndIstillfailed.”
Ismoothedhishairfromhisforehead.“Youknowwhat?Sowhatifyoudidfail?I’vefailedbefore.Countlesstimes.Thisisonlyoneterribleday.Yourworthandyourvaluearen’ttiedtothisonething,nomatterhowmuchyougaveit.There’ssomuchmoreoutthereforyou.”
Icouldfeelhimshakinghisheadagainstmychest,unwillingorunabletobelieveit.SoIreacheddeepinsidemyself.“Noone’sdisappointedinyou,Logan.Noone’sgoinganywhere.Youareenoughallonyourown,withorwithoutthattitle,whetheryoueverrunanotherraceornot.Justyou.LoganArthur.Youareworthathousandlifetimesofdevotion.”ItwaseverythingI’dalwaysneededtohear,andI’dfinallyhealedmyselfsowellIwasabletogiveittohim.
Leehadbeenright:everythinginitstime.
“Youaresoimportanttome,”Iwhispered,andhetensed.
Loganpulledhistear-stainedfacefrommychest.Hiseyesweredarkwithpainanddesire.BeforeIcouldsayanything,hecuppedmyfaceandcaughtmylips,kissingmehungrily.Hetastedlikesaltandheat.Asmallgroansoundedinthebackofmythroatandhedraggedmeontopofhim,lungingforhiswalletonthetableandpullingoutacondom.
Iwasnostrangertogrief.Iknewwhatheneeded.
Iranmyfingersdownhiswetcheeks,rubbingmythumbacrosshisswollenbottomlip,andhebitit.WithmyfingerinhismouthIgroundagainsthim,andhetoreathissweatpants,pushingthemdown,rollingthecondomon.Wemovedquickly,theonlysoundsourheavybreathing.Loganreachedundermyskirttoyankmypantiesaside,andpulledmedownbymyhips,fillingmeinoneswiftmovement.ItwassomuchIrockedbackandcriedout.
Hewasmerciless.Imirroredhim,andtogetherwemovedfaster,harder,notlettingup.Thewayhisfingersdugintomyhipswouldleavebruises,butIdidn’tcare.Myclimaxwasalreadybuilding,andwhenmyorgasmhitandIstartedtostill,hedidn’tstop.Heflippedmeoveronmyhandsandkneesonthecouchandpushedinsidemedeeper,poundingharder.Myfingerscurledintothecouchcushions.IthoughtIwoulddissolveunderhisforce,anditsurprisedmehowmuchIwantedit.Whenhefoundthatplace,thedeepwellofsensation,Ipressedmyforeheadtothecouch.Hebentlower,hisfingersfindingmeandstrokinglikehewasdeterminedtowringeverylastfeelingoutofme.Iwassweating,mybreathingragged,musclesliquid.Therewasstillnosoundexceptourroughexhales.Thefeelinginsidemespikedandspilledover,andasIgaspedhishandgrippedmymouth,fingerssplayed.Isankmyteethintohimashekeptpounding,untilheshudderedandstilled.
Foralongmomentwesimplystayedthere,panting,Logan’sforeheadpressedintomyspine.Thenslowlyheretreatedandwesankintohiscouch.
“I’msorry,”hesaidhoarsely.“Ineeded—”
“Iknow.”Ismoothedhisdamphair.“Letmegetyousomewater.”
WhenIcamebackfromthekitchenhewasalreadybackfromthebathroom,pullingonhisjoggersandT-shirt.Isatnexttohimandwatchedhimdrinkthewatergreedily.Whenhelookedatmeagain,hisred-rimmedeyeswerefulloftentativehope.
“Dohavesomewhereyouneedtobe?”hewhispered.
“Onlywhereveryouare.”Ipulledhimagainstmychestandhecurledaroundme,breathingdeeply,untilhefinallyclosedhiseyes.45TheFirstNewDay
IwoketosoftsunshinestreamingthroughcurtainsIdidn’trecognize.Iblinkedatthebutteryellowlight,thepeekofblueskythroughthesheerfabric,andrealizedIwaslyinginbed,envelopedinsoftsheets.ThiswasLogan’sbedroom.Hemust’vewokenatsomepointinthenightandcarriedmehere.
Irolledovertofindhimonhisside,hisbeautifulfacepeacefulinsleep.WhenIshifted,hiseyescrackedopen.
“Hi,”Isaidshyly.Wakingupnexttohimwassointimate.Myheartbeatfaster.
“Hi,”heechoed.Hestudiedmyface,seriousnessandtendernessinhiseyes.Asmallvoiceinsidemewhispered,Youknowthislook.Itwaspulledstraightfrommydreams.
Alumpformedinmythroat.Todistractmyself,Iflittedmyeyesaroundhisroom,cataloguinghisframedTottenhamjersey,histallbookshelfcrammedwithbooks—anorganizationalmethodIknewwell—hisclosetfullofidenticalpressednavysuits.Andthenmyeyeslandedonthemostremarkablething:itwasmypaintedface,capturedonacanvasproppedcarefullyagainstthewall.
IturnedtoLogan,mymouthdroppingopen.“What’sthatdoinghere?”
Hisvoicewasquietbutdeep.“IaskedZoeyforit.”
“Why?”
Hisgazewassteady,pinningme.“Alexis.IthinkyouknowI’velovedyoufromthebeginning.”
Helovedme.AndIdidknow—ofcourseIknew.NowthatIwasseeingclearly,withtheweightofself-doubtlifted,myheartfree,Icouldseehislovehadbeeninallofhisdecisions,ineveryaction,fromtheveryfirstnight.
Ireachedforhimandsmoothedhishair.“Iloveyou,too.Somuch.”
Logan’seyesshone.“Iknow.”Hecaughtmyhandandkissedmypalm,thenkeptitthere,pressingitagainsthisface.
Welayinthesoftsunshine,drinkingeachotherin,untilthereasonI’dcomeoverlastnighthitmelikeafreighttrain.“I’msosorryabouttheelection,”Iwhispered.“Forhowitallturnedout.”
Hedidn’tflinch.Instead,heslowlyshookhishead,hisstubbleticklingmypalm.“Youknowwhat?I’mnot.Imayhavelost,butIstillwon.”
Myheartcrackedopen.Iclosedthedistancebetweenusandkissedhim.Logan’sarmsslidaroundmeashedeepenedthekiss.“Whathappensnext?”Iwhispered.
Hekissedmyforeheadsoftly,thenpulledbacktostudyme.“Whatdoyouwanttohappen?”
Hewasalwayslettingmelead.Luckily,itwaseasytosaywhatIwantedthesedays.“Toholdontoyouforaslongasyou’llletme.”
Hisvoicewasgravelly.“That’swhatIwant,too.Toholdontoyou,andstartagain.”
Ilookedathim—mydreamman—andslowlysmiled.I’dbeenwaitingsolongforaloveIcouldkeep,alovethatfeltsecureandexhilaratinginequalmeasures.AndnowthatIhadit,Icouldsay:therealitywasfarbetterthanI’deverimagined.EPILOGUESixMonthsLater
“Thanksformakingthetime,Mr.Arthur,Ms.Igwe.”KikiArturofromTexasMonthlyadjustedinherseatacrossthelivingroom,flashingusasmile.“Youtoo,Ms.Stone.It’sanhonortogetyouallforthisfeature,andintheStone-Arthurhousehold,noless.”
“Well,thisisbasicallyourofficethesedays.”Nexttomeonthecouch,LogancrossedhislegsandreturnedKiki’ssmilewithaneasyoneofhisown—agenuinesmile,notahalfgrimace.Thesightofitnevergotold.
“Anddon’tforgetCaryBerry,”Iadded,noddingtoCary,whohurriedbackfromthekitchenwithacupofcoffeeandsettledintoanarmchair.“AstheCOO,he’saveryhigh-profilememberoftheneworganization.”
“Ofcourse,”Kikisaid.“Nicetomeetyou,Mr.Berry.”
Caryshotmeagratefullookandmouthed,Thanks,Rudy
“Okay,let’sgetstarted.”Kikiglancedathernotebook.“We’rethrilledyou’regivingTexasMonthlytheexclusiveonyourannouncement.Iwanttoheareverythingaboutyournewventure.UngovernedAdvocates—wheredoesthatnamecomefrom?”
Aloudcrashsoundedfromthekitchen,andLeepoppedaroundthecorner.“Sorry!Iwasjusttryingtoeavesdrop,andthenItrippedoverPatches’waterbowl,anditwasawhole…youknowwhat,nevermind.I’mjustafan.Carryon.”
ThesoundofBensoftlysnickeringfilledtheroomasweturnedourattentionbacktoKikiandherphotographycrewfromthemagazine,whowereanglinglightreflectorsatourfaces.
“Truthfully,”Logansaid,“IwantedtonameustheHotspurs.”HereachedformyhandandIlacedmyfingersthroughhis.Evenaftersixmonthsofdating,sometimesIstillcouldn’tbelieveIcouldholdhishandwheneverIwanted.“ButNoravetoedme.Andsinceshe’sthepresident,shewins.”
“WedecidedafterLogan’sgubernatorialracethatrunningforofficeisn’thowwe’rebestpositionedtomakeadifference,”Norasaid.Shewasdressedtotheninesasalwaysinablacksuitandcrispwhiteshirt.“ThenameUngovernedAdvocatesreflectsthat.”
“Tellmemoreaboutthatdecision,”Kikiurged.“Logangotsoclosetowinning.Whynotrunhimforsomethingelse?senator,Houserep?”
“Irealizedcampaigningwasn’ttherightfitforme.”Logansqueezedmyhand,andIknewhewasthinkingofalltheconversationsheandIhadhadonthisverycouch,lateintothenight,weighingthatdecision.“ItrequiresmetobuttonupandplaybyasetofrulesIdon’tbelievein.”HegesturedatNoraandCary.“Werealizedthatifwereallywantedtospeaktruthtopowerandstandupforpeople,weneededtobefreer.”
“NowLogancanbehimself,”Caryadded.“Asangryandinflammatoryashewants.Andinsteadofaliability,hispersonality’sastrength.NoraandIwilldirecthisfirepoweratpoliticians.We’regoingtokeepthemaccountable.”
Kikiarchedaneyebrow.“AndyouchoseMs.Igweaspresident?”
“Nora’salwaysbeenthemastermind,”Logansaid.“Itfits.AndIgettobethebulldog.”Helookedinordinatelypleasedatthat.
Noranodded.“We’llgiveyouapeekatourplanswhenweheadintotheUngovernedoffice.”
“AlsoknownasLoganandAlexis’ssparebedroom.”Caryglaredatme.“WhichAlexisrefusestoletmedecorate.”
Ibitbacktheurgetosayourhousewasn’tinneedofanylife-sizedMattBomercutouts.PatchesandIhadmovedinwithLoganonlyamonthago,andthetruthwas,we’dbarelyfinishedmeldingourthingstogether.Forexample,LoganhadanentireclosetofTottenhamplayerbobbleheadswewereinnegotiationsover(him:keep,possiblydisplay;me:
Kikiturnedherattentiontome.“Ms.Stone.CanthepublicexpecttoseeyououtleadingrallieswiththeUngovernedteam?”
Ilaughedandcrossedmylegs,gratefulLeehadconvincedmetosplurgeonthefancygreensuitIwaswearing.NotonlydidIlookassharpasNora,butgreenwasLogan’sfavoritecolor,afacthe’dremindedmeofoverandoveragainthismorning…whichwashowwe’dalmostbeenlatetoaneventinourveryownhouse.“Notanytimesoon.I’verealizedtherearealotofwaystocontributetoacauseyoubelievein,andI’mhappiestbehindthescenes.”
“She’soneofourbesteducationadvisors,”Logansaid.
“Whatareyouupto,then?”Kikitappedherpen.“Iknowalotofpeopleweredisappointedyoudidn’trunforTEApresident.”
Oneofthephotographersstartedsnappingshotsofme,butImanagedtoignoreit.“I’mcomanagingtheBartonSpringsElementarylibraryandwritingmyfirstmiddlegradenovel.It’saboutagirlwho’ssoshyshepreferstodisappearintobooks,untilonedayherfavoritestoriesspringtolife.Thenshehastonavigateaworldwithblurryboundariesbetweenfactandfiction.”
“It’sgenius,”saidLogan,whodidn’tevenknowhe’dinspiredit.“It’sgoingtoselllikehotcakes.”
Ipattedhisleg,butcouldn’thelpblushing.“Nomatterwhathappens,I’mfulfilledjustwritingit.ThisiswhatIwasmeanttodo.”
Kikileanedin.“Speakingofmeanttobe.LoganandAlexis,alotofpeoplefellforyourunusuallovestory.Fromaone-nightstandtoapublicscandaltoapowercouple.Wouldyousaythetwoofyouhavefinallyfoundyourselveswhereyoubelong?”
LoganandIglancedateachother,surprised.Thatphrase—I’vefinallyfoundmyselfwhereIbelong—wassomethingLeeusedtosayathercampaignrallies,sooftenitbecameabitofaLeeStonecatchphrase.IsqueezedLogan’shandandsmiledgentlyatKiki.“Withallduerespect,Kiki,I’dliketoputitinmyownwords.LoganandIfellinlovewhilewewerealsolearningtoloveourselves.Soforus,itwasmoreadiscoverythatwewerewherewebelongedallalong.Wedidn’thavetochange.Wejusthadtoopenoureyestoseeit.”
Hetookmyhandandkissedit.
“Afittingendtoyourstory,”Kikisaid,motioningtothephotographerstomovetothesparebedroom.
“Wait,”Isaid,andthewholeroomstilledinawaythatoncewouldhavemademenervous.“It’snottheend.”Ilookedaround,buoyedbythepeoplesmilingback,includingtheonespeekingfromthekitchen.ThesewerethepeopleIloved,whobelievedinmeandmademefeelsafebeingmyself.“Trustme.Ourstory’sjustbeginning.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thisacknowledgmentssectionisgoingtolookalittledifferentthanmyusual—butthenagain,everythingisdifferentnowthatlifehassplitsoirrevocablyintotwotimelines:LifeWithDadandThisMiserableandBewilderingExistenceWithoutHim.
OnAugust10,2022,rightbeforethisbookcamebackfromcopyedits,IlostmybelovedfatherRonWinstead.Ialwaysaddthatwordin—beloved—becauseI’msoanxiousforyoutoknowup-fronthowmuchIlovedhim.I’manxiousthatheknewhowmuchIlovedhim,andwillprobablyspendtherestofmylifehauntedbythefactthatIcanneverreallyknow.ThereasonI’mwritingaboutthelossofmyfatherinmyacknowledgmentsisnotonlybecauseit’sthesinglemostimportantthingthat’severhappenedtome.It’salsobecausemyfatherisdirectlyresponsibleformyreadingandwritinglife,andthusthisbook.Helovedbooks—allstories,actually,inwhateverforms.Ilearnedhowtolovethingspassionatelyfrommyfather;like,trulyfalldownrabbitholes.Books,movies,TV,music—helikeditallrock’n’rollloud,emotionallycharged,andwiththeheroescomingoutontopintheend.SoIdid,too.
Iwasaherotomydad.Iknowthatsoundsstrange,butImeanmyfatherwasotherworldlyproudofme.Iknewitasakidinschool,asateenagercompetingforcollegescholarships,whenheusedtodrivemethousandsofmilesacrossthecountrytocompeteinvariousmeritscholarshipweekends,certainI’dbethefirstinourfamilytogotocollege,andIknewitasanadultwithabookcareer.ThefirsttimeIeverreallybelievedIcouldpublishabookwaswhenIpresentedhim,yearsago,withmyfirstMS—aYAfantasy,wayoutofhisusualtaste—andhedevouredit,chroniclinghowhecouldn’tputitdownthroughaseriesofexcitedtextsandphonecalls.Everybooksince,we’vehadaritual:heandmymomwouldgetearlydrafts,andIeagerlyawaitedtheirthoughts.Boy,didmydadmakemefeellikeIwassomethingspecialeverytime.Forarelativelyquietman,helovedsofiercelyandloudly.Myheart,mymind,andmybooksareallaproductofthatlove.
Thisisthefirstbookhenevergottoread.Iflifewasfair,Iwould’vesentittohimrightaftercopyeditingwasdone.Instead,I’mcopyeditingwhilehelpingtoplanhiscelebrationoflife.Butthewondrousthingaboutreturningtothisbookisthateventhoughit’sprincipallyaromance,it’salsoastoryaboutawomanfindingpeaceafterthelossofherfather.WhydidIwriteastoryaboutgrief—thisparticulargrief—whileIstillhadmypreciousfatherwithme?It’shardtosay,butmaybesomepartofmeknewhowdifficultitwouldbetolosehimonedayandwastryingtoprepare.Whateverthereason,comingbacktoAlexis’sstory—readingherjourneytohealherbrokenheartandfindjoyandloveagain,ajourneyIwrote,asifcomposinginstructionstomyself—mademecry,mademelaugh,andultimatelybroughtmeasmallmeasureofpeace.Ihopemydadwould’velovedthisstory,butIknowwithcertaintyhewouldhavebeenproud.Icanneverthankyouenough,Dad.
Enormousgratitudetomywonderfuleditor,CatClyne,andagent,MelissaEdwards,notonlyforeverythingtheydidtoshapethisbookbutfortheirextraordinarysupportandkindness,aboveandbeyond.AllmythankstothewholeGraydonHouseteamwhoworkedongettingthisbookoutintotheworld:SusanSwinwood,AmyJones,DianeLavoie,andErinCraig.
Hugethankstomywonderfulfamily:myincredible,resilientmother;mybrotherRyan,sisterAmanda,nieceCeleste,andnephewEzra;mybrotherTaylorandsisterCatherine;andmylittlesisterMallory.Mallory,youknowthisbookisyours,too,anditissolikeyoutogracefullyshareit.Youarealllightsinthedark.
Andasalways,Alex,thankyouforbeingmyrock,theonewhopushesme,thepersonbymysidethroughthickandthin.YouwentfromtheboyIcouldn’tgetoutofmyheadtothemanholdingmyhandthrougheverychallenge.IloveyouAlsobyAshleyWinstead
FoolMeOnce
TheLastHousewife
InMyDreamsIHoldaKnife
ForadditionalbooksbyAshleyWinstead,visitherwebsite,www.ashleywinstead.comISBN-13:9780369734655
TheBoyfriendCandidate
Copyright?2023byAshleyWinstead
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesandreviews.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businesses,companies,eventsorlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
GraydonHouse22AdelaideSt.West,41stFloorToronto,OntarioM5H4E3,Canadawww.GraydonHouseBooks.comwww.BookClubbish.com