Dedication
TothosestillfindingtheirwayContents
Cover
TitlePage
Dedication
Author’sNote
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
P.S.Insights,Interviews&More…*
AbouttheAuthor
AbouttheBook
Praise
AlsobySuzannePark
Copyright
AboutthePublisherAuthor’sNote
WhenIpitchedtheideaforthisnovel,Ididn’tknowitwouldincludethemesofmentalhealthintheAsianAmericancommunity.ButasIdraftedandeditedthisbook,itevolvedintoastoryaboutaKoreanAmericanwomanstrugglingwithself-doubtwhofindsherhappily-ever-afterinself-loveandromance.IrarelyseeanxietydepictedinfictioncenteredonAsianAmericancharacters,especiallynotinworksofcomedy.Forahumorwriter,itcanbeareallytoughdecisiontoincludeseriousandsensitivetopicsinastory,buttotakeonmentalhealthintheAsiancommunity—thiswasextremelydifficultforme.Butasthepandemiccontinued,Iwascompelledtodoit.
Languagebarriers,stigma,intergenerationaltrauma,anda“toughitout”mentalityareafewofthereasonsthattheAsiancommunitydoesn’tliketotalkaboutmentalhealthissues.Inthisstory,I’vereflectedsomeofthesechallengesinwaysthatarerelatedtomyownexperienceortothosesharedbyclosefamilymembers.
Pleasebeawarethatthisstoryincludescomplexandsensitivetopicssuchashigh-functioninganxietydisorder,panicattacks,andimpostersyndrome.ItriedtowriteLily’sexperiencewithgreatcare.Althougheveryone’smentalhealthjourneylooksdifferent,andLily’sexperienceisn’tthesameaseveryoneelse’s,I’mhopingpeoplewhorelatetoherjourneycanfeellessalone.ChapterOne
ThecallI’dbeeneagerlywaitingforcameattheworsttime.
Sittingonthereclined,wax-paperedexaminationchairwhilewaitingformywellnesscheckupwasnottheidealsettingforalife-changingphonediscussionwithanexecutiveheadhunter.Thenursehadalreadytakenallofmyvitals,butmydoctorhadn’tmadeherappearanceyet.Itwasonlyamatteroftime.
Iswipedtoacceptthecallandwhispered,“Um…hello?”
“Goodmorning,Lily.It’sPatricia.DidIcatchyouatagoodtime?”
Iglanceddownatmybreastsandbellypeekingthroughtheopeningofthecottonclothgown.“Yes.”Afterdouble-checkingthescreentomakesureitwasanaudio-onlycallandnotavideoone,Iadded,“It’sagreattime.I’moutandabout.Runningerrands.Keepingbusy.Doyouhaveanyupdatesforme?DidIofficiallygetthejob?”
WhenIhadleftthefinalinterviewwiththefounderofSwain&Wallace,heaskedmewhenIcouldstart,andsoonafterthat,thecompany’ssocialmediaaccountsfollowedmeoneveryplatform.Inthisdigitalage,thatwasprettymuchthesamethingasanofferletter.
I’dleftmycorporatejobafewyearsbacktoforgemyownprofessionalpath—consultingforstart-upsandwritingaseriesofcareerempowermentbooks—toearnmoremoneysoIcouldsaveforadownpaymentonahome.ThesalaryforthisexecutiveroleatSwain&WallacewasmorethandoublewhatIwasmakingnow.Andasabonus,theyhadjustbuiltabrand-new,in-housegym.NotthatIwoulduseit,butitdidhaveacucumbericewaterstationnearthelockerareathatIplannedtovisiteveryday.
Sheclearedherthroat.“Well,Ihavegoodandbadnews.EveryoneatSwainandWallacelovedyou.Thehiringmanagerandhisentireteamthoughtyouwereaslam-dunkhire.TheCEOevencommentedtotheHRleadthathecouldseeyouinaC-levelleadershiproletheresomeday.Andtechnically,thismorning,youwereofferedtheposition.”
Dreamcompany.Dreamjob.Dreamteam.Andanofferofemployment.Allofthiswastoogoodtobetrue.MybodytensedwhenInoticedshedidn’tendthatpositivefeedbackwithaheartfelt“congratulations,”andthatshehadsaidthelastpartwithadownwardinflection.Headhunterslikeherworkedoffjob-placementcommission,sowhywasn’tsheofferingtopopchampagnebottleswithme?
ThewaxypaperunderneathmecrinkledloudlyasIsatupright.“Isthereaproblem?”
Thesoundofairexpellingfromhernosecouldmeanonlyonething.Thebadnews.
“SwainandWallace’sHRteamperformedanextensivebackgroundcheck,asistheirstandardprocedure.Thisstepofthehiringprocessusedtotakeafewdays,butwiththelatestadvancements,we’veseenthesescreeningsturnedaroundalotfaster.I’mnotsurethebestwaytosaythis…I’mcallingtoinformyouthatyoudidn’tpass.”
Didn’tpass?“Wait,Ifailedthebackgroundcheck?”
Howwasthatpossible?Iwasn’tacriminal.Therehadtobeamistake.Unless…theunpaidparkingticketsfromMartha’sVineyardfrommyearlytwentieshadfinallycaughtupwithme?Iaccidentallyranastopsignat3AM.afewweeksagoinaborrowedcarwhenIthoughtnoone(especiallynopolicecars)hadbeenlurkingaround…buthowcouldthatbetracedbacktome?I’dalsodiscoveredI’dbeendrivingwithanexpiredlicense,buttherenewalwaspaid,processed,andthenewcardwasenroutetomyBrooklynapartment.Thentherewasthatangryneighbor
Patriciaelaborated,“Ihopeditwassomekindofmistake,thatmaybesomethingwaswrongwiththevendor’ssoftware.Weseparatelyranourownbackgroundcheckandityieldedthesameresults.Ihatetoaskthis,butdidyoutellthetruthaboutattendingCarlthorpeCollege?”
Thatwastheredflagonmyrecord?“What?OfcourseIdid!I’mnotaliar.”Thegray-hairednursepoppedherheadintheroom,hereyeswidened,andshesteppedrightbackout,closingthedoorwithathump.Hadshecomebackinbecauseoftheten-pounddiscrepancybetweenmystatedweightonthemedicalformsandmyactualweigh-in?Becauseshecouldsingle-handedlyprovewithoutadoubtthatIwas,infact,aliar.Buthonestly,whodidn’tlieaboutthosethings?
Patricialetoutabreath.“That’sgoodnews.Maybeit’sjustaglitchinCarlthorpe’ssystemthen.”
“Irecentlypaidoffmystudentloansforcollege,soifImadeupthatpartofmylife,Iwantmymoneyback!”I’dwantallofit,plusinterest.
Patriciachuckled.“Well,okay,Ibelieveyou.”
Iadded,“Ihavegraduationphotostoproveit.”
“Actually,ifyouhavesomethingmoreofficial,likeadiplomaoracollegetranscript,IthinkwecansubmitthattotheHRgroup,arguethattheirsystemhadaglitch,andthiswillallgoaway.I’mafraidphotosofyouinacapandgownaren’tgoingtocutitthough.”
Myheartbeatthumpedhardinmychest.Tenyearssincegraduationandnothinglikethishadevercomeupbefore.Thenagain,I’dworkedinonlyonecompanyanditssubsidiariessincecollegeandroseintheranksthere.
DidIhaveadiploma?Maybe?Actually…maybenot.Aftergraduating,Ihadtemporaryhousingbeforefindingamorepermanentlivingarrangement.Someofmystuffmadethemove,somedidn’t.Ididn’thaveajobrightawayandwascouchsurfingforawhile.Itwasn’tthebesttimeinmylife,andIcertainlydidn’thavemymindlaserfocusedonmydiploma’swhereabouts.IneverthoughttogetonereissuedbecauseIneverhadanywallspacetodisplayit.Andwhohunguptheircollegediplomasthesedaysanyway?
Itookadeepbreathinandexhaledslowly.“I’llcalltheschoolandgetatranscriptovernightedtoyou.”Ifthiswasallthatwasstandinginbetweenhavingnojobofferandhavingadreamjoboffer,Ineededtoactfast.
“Great!Wehaveaplanthen.I’llletyougoonwithyourday.Haveagreatrestoftheafternoon.”
Ihungupandfellbackintothecrinklyseatjustasthenursereenteredtheroom.“I’msosorrythedoctor’sstillrunningbehindschedule.Unfortunately,yourhealthprofiledidn’tupdatewhenItookyourvitals,soIneedtogetyouroxygenlevelsandBPagain.”
Sheputacliponmyfingerandwrappedthebloodpressurecuffonmyupperleftbiceps.“Trytorelaxyourarmifyoucan.I’llmakesureituploadstoyourrecordsthistime.”ThearmbandpuffedanddeflatedautomaticallywhileshetookmyO2reading.“Youroxygenlevelsareexcellent,ninety-ninepercent.Yourbloodpressureis…whoa,alittlehigh.Alothigherthanbefore,actually.That’sstrange.”
Shetookmywristandcheckedmypulse.“Hmmm.Didanythinghappenthatmightspikeyourbloodpressureandheartrate?”Clickingaroundinmyhealthrecords,shelookedatmeandsaid,“Doweneedtochangeyourmedications?”
“No,”IanswereddefinitivelyassheremovedtheVelcrocufffrommyarm.“Noneed.It’snothingtoworryabout.Onlyaone-time,minorinconveniencethatwillgetstraightenedoutsoon.”
Sheofferedmeareassuringsmile.“Okaythen.Thedoctorwillbehereshortly.”
***
IMADESEVERALcallstotheregistrar’sofficethatafternoon,andnoonepickedupthephone.Theon-holdmessageencouragedmetochatwith“Carly”onthecollegewebsite,Carlthorpe’sonlinevirtualassistantbeta,buttheshe-botcouldn’thelpmebecausemytranscriptsweretenyearsold,pasttheearliestyearinthedrop-downmenu.ApparentlyI’dreachedthecutoffmarkwhenalumniwere“archived.”Mytranscriptrequestwouldrequiremanualassistance.
Carlthorpewasaleisurelyfour-and-a-half-hourdrivefromNewYorkCity,orjustoverthreehoursifyouweredrivinglikeabatoutofhell,sorelativelyclose.Thetrainwasaboutthesame,butitalsorequiredtraveltoandfromthetrainstation.Aftermyfourthattempttocallandspeakwithaliveperson,Imadeadecisiontogotocampusthenextdaybeforethemorningrushhourtoaskformypaperworkinperson.Ifeverythingwentsmoothly,Icouldbehomebydinnertime.
The7:15AM.departurefromGrandCentralwentwithoutahitchandthetrainridewasgreatformyworkproductivity.I’dmanagedtoorganizemynotesandhadevenwrittenafewpagesofanoutlinebythetimethetrainrolledintothestation.Icheckedmywatch:10:45AM.Plentyoftimetospare.
WhenmyUberpulleduptothefrontgatesofthecampus,anemailnotificationbuzzedmyphonejustasIexitedthecar.ItwasanotefromKatherineGoodwin,thepatienteditorofmylong-overduebook.
Goodafternoon,Lily,
Iwasthinkingmoreabouttitlesthisweek,andmaybethisnewbookshouldhaveasimpletitle,likeyourlastone.IlovedHOWTOBEAWORKSUPERNOVA,sowhatdoyouthinkaboutHOWTOLANDYOURDREAMJOB—it’seasytorememberandstraightforward,right?
How’stheresearchgoing?Lastwespokeyou’dbeeninterviewingatsomereallyhotcompaniesandhadgreatinsightintoresearchingdreamemployers.Letmeknowifyouneedtorunanythingbymeinthemeantime—alwaysopentoreadanychaptersyou’vewritten.
Also,somegoodnews!I’vebeenpromotedtoeditorialdirector.I’vecc’dAmandaPhillips,ournewestteammember,whowillbeworkingwithmeasaneditorialassistantonyournextbook.Shecameoverfromthecontractsdepartmentandisawhizwitheditsandmeticulouswithsalesandforecastnumbers.We’rebothexcitedtoseewhatyouhaveforusnext!
Allbest,
K
Iletoutalongsigh.I’llgetbacktoyousoon,Katherine,onceIofficiallyhavemyjobofferinhand.
Immediately,mynotificationsbuzzed
Nicetomeetyou,Lily!
AsKatherinementioned,I’llbeworkingwithyouonyournextproject.Excitedtogetstarted!Itookalookatyourcontract,anditlookslikeyourmanuscriptisdue.LetmeknowifIcanbeofanyassistance.Inthemeantime,I’mupdatingallourauthors’biopagesonourwebsiteandretailsites.Couldyoupleasetakealookatyour“AbouttheAuthor”pageandletmeknowifthereareanyupdatestoyourbio?Also,IseeyouattendedCarlthorpetoo!NicetomeetafellowCarlthorpian!
Allbest,
Amanda
Iclickedthelinkanditredirectedtomyauthorpageonmypublisher’swebsitethathadn’tbeenupdatedinyears.Beneathmyheadshotwasalistofmyprofessionalandacademiccredentials.IrepliedtoAmanda’semail,mirroringherenthusiasm,givingherthegreenlighttokeepmyauthorblurbthesame,addingthatIhadanexcitingnewcareerdevelopmentandwouldneedanotherupdatesometimesoon.Afterclearingupthisclericalerrorwithmyalmamater,IcouldincludemynextpositionwithSwain&Wallaceinthemarketingmaterialsformynewbook.Fortheauthorwebsitethough,itwouldhavetowaitalittlebitlonger.
Iclosedthecardoorandquicklycheckedmytop-halfreflectioninthepassenger-sidewindowbeforethecarpulledaway.Noflyawayhairsflappinginthewind.Abarelywrinkledivorysilkblouse.Smudge-resistanteyelinerstillresisting.Apresentable,respectablealumna.LilyLee,businessconsultantandauthorofHowtoBeaWorkSupernovaandtheforthcomingsecondbookintheseriesHowtoLandYourDreamJob,wascomingbacktowhereitallstarted.CarlthorpeCollege.
Inpeep-toeheels,Istrodealongthecobblestonewalkwayandthroughtheivy-covered,wroughtirongatesofthemaincampusentrance,wherethestationedsecurityguardsmiledandnoddedatme.Theregistrarwasthefirstbuildingontheright,whichI’drememberedafteralltheseyearsbutwasvalidatedbythecampusmapI’dsavedonmyphone.Ihopedthatlatemorningwouldbeagoodtime:itwasrightbeforethelunchrushandleftplentyoftimeforanadministratortoassistmeinfindingmystudentfile.Thisdidn’tleaveroomforafun,leisurelydayinthisquaintcollegetownthough.Therewouldbenonostalgicstrollsthroughthecourtyard.NocasualdiningatthecutecafésonMainStreetorpartakingoftheall-afternoonhappyhourattheCarlthorpeTavern.Sadly,notevenavisittothecampusbookstore.Myplanwastogetthetranscriptandheadrightbackhomebeforethebusinessdayended.Ihadmorerésuméstosendout,interviewstopreparefor,andabookthatwasn’tgoingtowriteitself.Mywalkdownmemorylanewouldhavetobeanotherday,underhappier,moreforgivingcircumstances.
Thetimewornwoodendoorleadingtotheregistrar’sofficegavelittleresistancetomylightpush,andIwasdelightedtoseeIwastheonlypersoninline.Itmadesense:therewasn’tatonofacademicactivityduringthesummer,andfallregistrationhadn’tstartedyet.EvidenceofabirthdaycelebrationlaybehindthePlexiglasdivider:largecateredaluminumtraysoncefilledwithfruitsalad,homefries,andpastawerenowmostlyempty.Asmallwedgeofconfetticakesatinalargepinkpastrybox.Seeingallthisfoodlaidouttriggeredmymouthtowater,aninvoluntaryreminderthatIneededtoeatlunch.Maybeaquickmealatadiningspotoncampuswouldbeanicetreatbeforetakingthetrainbacktothecity.
Thewomanatthewindowpushedherglassesuptothebridgeofhernosewithherindexfinger.“StudentIDnumberplease.”Herfingerswereperchedaboveherkeyboard,readytodescendandpeck.
“I—I’mnotastudent.I’manalum.”Ihadtoadmit,itwassomewhatflatteringthatshethoughtIcouldbeenrolledhere.
“DoyourememberyourstudentID?”
Ilaughed.Wassheserious?Icouldn’tevenremembermyownagesometimes.“Igraduatedtenyearsago,Idon’trecallwhatitwas,I’msorry.”Ipastedonasmile.“I’mLilyLee.CollegeofArtsandSciences.AllI’mlookingforismytranscript.Icangiveyoumypermanentaddress,graduationyear,prettymucheverythingelse.”AndIdid,Iofferedherallofthispersonalinformation,aswellasmysocialsecuritynumberandacademicadvisor’sname.
Taptaptap
Taptaptap
“Hmmmm.Strange.”Shetiltedherheadandsquintedatthescreen.Withaloud,slowexhale,shemuttered,“IsLeeyourmaidenname?Areyoumarried?”
Okay,Ididn’texpecta“maritalstatus”typeofquestionfromher.Frommyoldersister,yes.Mymom,yes.Buttheregistrar?No.“LeewasthenameIusedincollege.It’sstillLee.MiddlenameisJi-Yeon.”
“Canyouconfirmthisisyourstudentphoto?”SheswiveledthescreensoIcouldgetabetterlookatmyround,youthful,pimplyfaceandall-gumstoothygrin.Andbytoothy,ImeanIactuallyhadfanglikecuspidsthatwereshaveddownmyfirstyearofcollege.Sophomoreandjunioryearwaswhenthingsgotbetterforme.Mylesscanine-likesmile.Myclassesweremoreinteresting.Ievendatedacharmingboyandweweretogetherforoverayear,oneofthelongestrelationshipsI’veeverhad.JakeCho.Theonewhoshatteredmyheartintoamillionpieces.Itneverquitefitbacktogetheragain.
Iverified,“Yes,that’sme,LilyJi-YeonLee.Iwishtheyhadfacefiltersbackthen.”
“LetmesharewithyouwhatIhavehere,sowe’reseeingeyetoeye.”Whiletheprinterhummedandpushedoutpages,shetypedandtappedsomemore.Shegrabbedthestackofpaperandslidittowardme.Thepilewaspleasantlywarmtothetouch.
“Here’salltheacademicinformationwehaveonfile.Andyourpartialtranscript.”
“Partial?”MystomachlurchedasIflippedtothelastpage.Allofmyclasseswerelistedfrommyfirstsemestertomylast.PrettystandardstuffuntilInoticedonething:inmylastsemester,twoofmyclasses,EconomicPrinciplesandSurveyAnalysis,werelistedaspass/fail.Thematriculationdatewaslistedatthetopofthetranscript,butmygraduationdatewasnot.Itwasblank.
Iswallowedhard.Neverbeforehadnervousness,nostalgia,andamnesiahitmeatthesametime.
Theregistrarclearedherthroat.“Ms.Lee,itappearsthatyoudidn’tobtainenoughcreditstoofficiallygraduate.You’refivecreditsshy,accordingtoyourrecords.Someofthosepass/failcreditsyourlastsemesterdon’tcounttowardgraduation.”
“Theremustbesomemistake.Iattendedcommencement.Iwalkedacrossthestage.”Isqueezedmyeyesshut,hopingthatwhenIreopenedthem,thiswouldallbejustadream.ButwhenIflutteredmylashesandpeeked,everythingwasstillthesame.
“Sometimesacademicadvisorsgetthegraduationrequirementscredittallywrong,butit’srare.Insomecases,professorsturningradesthedaybeforegraduationandwestillletstudentswalkbecausemostofthetimethekidspass,eveniftheygetDminuses.It’sshowinginoursystemthatyouswitchedtwoclassestopass/fail,whichishighlyunusualbecausetypicallyastudentisallowedonlyoneperyear.Itwasaspecialexemption,butonlyoneofthetwoclasseswasapprovedtoapplycreditstowardyourmajoranddegree.Doyourememberthat?”
Vaguely?Mylastsemesterwasamiserableblur,andmyacademicadvisorhadneverexplainedthefullriskofswitchingmyclassestopass/fail.OnlythatIcould,anditwastoolatetodroptheclassesandthepoorgradeswoulddragmyGPAwaydown.Thesystemwouldgenerateanacademicprobationlettersenttomypermanentaddress,evenifitwasmylastsemester.Itwouldgotomyparents’home.Thatwasmytopconcernatthetime.
“So…Ididn’t…graduate?There’snowaytoworkaroundthissomehow?LikeatrafficviolationwhereIwatchawholedayofonlinevideosandtakeamultiple-choicequiztoclearmyrecord?”
Sheadjustedherglassesagain.“I’mafraidnot.Thegoodnewsis,youdon’thavetoreapplyforadmission.Ifyouwanttocompleteyourcreditrequirements,they’reopeningupfallregistrationnextweek.Idon’thavemuchsway,butwhatIcandoisensureyouhavesecondsemesterseniorstatusbecauseofyourcreditstanding.Youshouldneedonlyone,maybetwo,coursestoreachthegraduationrequirement,butyou’dhavetoconfirmthiswithyouracademicadvisor.”
Igrabbedthecountertosteadymyself.Myheadwhooshedandkneesbuckledfromthisavalancheofbadnews.Thelackoflunchwasn’thelpingwiththelight-headedness.
“You’dalsoneedtoconfirmwithyouracademicadvisorifthereareanyadditionalrequirementsneededforyourdegreegiventhattenyearshavepassed.”AfallcoursecatalogandaheavilyfrostedpieceofcakepassedthroughtheopeninginthePlexiglaswindow.“It’smylastslice,butIthinkyoucoulduseitmorethanme.It’sfromSassyGirl’s.Please,Iinsist.”
SassyGirl’swasalocalbakerythatmadethebestbuttercreamcakesintheNortheast.Forthefirsttimeinmyentirelife,Ihadnodesiretoeatcake.Butbecausethebirthdaygirlwasstaringatmewithherkindeyesthroughheroversizetortoiseshellglasses,Ihadnorationalreasontoprotest.Withtheaccompanyingplasticfork,Itoreoffasizablechunkofthetender,fluffywhitecakeandtookabite.Aculinarymasterpiece.Underdifferentcircumstancesitwouldhavebroughtmecomfortandhappiness.ItwasthenIdiscoveredsomethingnewaboutmyself:thatitwaspossibletochew,fakeasmilewhilesaying“thankyou,”andcryatthesametime.AlatentabilityIneverwantedtoexperienceagain.ChapterTwo
Myphonerang.Thenmytextmessagesbleeped.Ithappenedoverandover,ring,bleep,ring,bleep,untilIfinallycalledmymomback.
Shegreetedmewith,“Ji-yeon-ah,everythingokay?Youshouldbeawake.”
UmmaalwaysassumedifIwasn’tpickingupthephone,Iwaseithersleepinginornapping.Asifitwasabadthingtogetmorerest.
“I’mawake.”Technically,Iwas.Ijusthappenedtobelyingfullyflatonmybed,unshowered,withmypajamasstillon.Itwas1PM
“I’mbuyingsteakdinnertocelebrategoodnews!”
“Whatgoodnews?”Iboltedupright.Maybemysisterwaspregnantagain.Orshegotajobpromotion.Bysteakdinner,Ummausuallymeanttheeight-ouncesirloinsteakcombinationdinneratApplebee’s.Forher,steakdinnerswerereservedforonlythemostspecialofcelebrations.
Shechuckled.“Yournewjob.IseeyoutalkaboutontheInstantGrams.”
IclickedovertomyInstagramaccount.Sureenough,acoupleofweeksagoIhadteasedthatIwaslookingforacareerchangeandthingsweregoingwellwithmyjobinterviews.Isharedanoldvideoofmeonabasketballcourt,makinganeffortlessshotfromthethree-pointline.AftermySwain&Wallaceinterviews,Itookaphotoofmeinmyinterviewsuitinfrontofthecompany’shigh-risebuildinginMidtownanduploadedittoo.MaybeIshouldhavedeletedthat.
“Lasttimeyoutellmeyourinterviewsweregood.Itellallourchurchfriendsthatyouworkingatbigglobalbusinesssoonandalsowritingnewbook!TheyaskifyourcompanyhaveofficeinSeoul,andIcheckedinternet,andtellthemyes!”shechirped.
Mystomachsank.HowcouldItellmymomthetruthnow?IfIdid,shewouldworryherselfsickaboutmyfinances,andbehorriblyshamedwhenpeopleinthechurchcommunityaskedaboutmyjobormypossiblynever-forthcomingbook.
Butwasthisanopportunitytounshackleandfreemyselffromtheburdenofbeingapeoplepleaser,especiallytomyparents?Becauseofourmoneyproblemsgrowingup,mywholeadultlifeItriedtobefiscallyindependent.Itookajobwithagoodsalaryanddecenthealthinsurancetocompensateformyparents’pastfinancialhardship,justsotheywouldn’tworryaboutme.Iattainedacademicsuccess,orsoIthought,andusedtheCarlthorpenamefornetworkingpurposesandtobuoymyjobcandidacy.ThenItookariskbydoingwhatIhadalwayswantedtodo:Iquitthecorporategrindtogooutonmyown.Allalongtheway,nonstop,cripplingguiltplaguedme,becausemyparentsgaveuptheirlivesandtheirownprofessionaldreamsinKoreasomysisterandIcouldhaveabetterfuture,andIwasriskingitallbychoosingamoreentrepreneurialpath.
AndlookwhereIwasnow.
TearsthatUmmacouldn’tseefloweddownmycheeks,assheexpressedherowngestureofpridebyofferingmeatopsirloinsteakatherfavoritechainrestaurant.Thiswasabigdealforher,soImadethedecisiontokeepmysecretclosetomychestinsteadofadmittingthetruth,hopingthischoicewouldn’tbeoneIwouldregretlater.
“CanIgetaraincheckondinner?I’mgoingtobebusythenextfewmonths,”Iexplainedvaguely.
Confusioncloudedhervoice.“Youstartingjobrightaway?”
Iswallowedhard.“Notexactly.I’mstartinganewjobafterfourmonths.”Notuntrue.Iwouldbestartingsomekindofjobatsomepointafterfourmonths.“Inthemeantime,I’mgoingtotakesomeclassestohelpeducatemeformynewjob.Digitalmarketingandthetechlandscapehavechangedsomuch.IthoughtbytakingsomespecialclassesofferedatCarlthorpeIcouldgetaheadatwork—maybeitcouldmeanmoremoneydowntheroad.”Swain&Wallace’sHRleadtoldmethatonceIclearedthebackgroundchecktheywouldreconsidermefortheposition,ifitwasstillavailable.Itwasn’taguarantee,butIneededtodoeverythingwithinmypowertogetthatjobback.
Perhapssuspectingsomething,shequestioned,“Areyousurenothingiswrong?”
Shewasoldernowandretired,andovertimewe’dbickeredless,mainlybecauseI’dfoundwaystodistancemyselffrommyparentswhentheywerecausingstress.Thesewerehergoldenyears.Ididn’twanttoburdenherwithanyofthis.
Irepliedconfidently,“Geokjeonghajimaseyo.”Don’tworry,Umma.It’llbeokay.
“Algesseo.Infourmonths,thenIpromisesteakdinner!”
Ismiled.InfourmonthsIwouldhavemydegree.Mylifewouldgobackthewayitwas.Andthentherewouldbeplentyofreasontocelebrate.ChapterThree
OnmylastdayinNewYorkCity,IchokedonmyicedcoffeewhilereadinganarticleinPublishersDigest.Mydrinkhadgonedownmywindpipeintomylungs,triggeringachokingandgaggingreflex.ItwouldhavebeenfarmorepreferableifIhadbeenathome,butno,IhappenedtobeatCaféLaLa,wheremycoughsweremetwithlong,harshstaresbyotherjudgypatronswhopeeredatmeovertheiraviatorsandtrendy,roundplasticframes.C’mon,likenoneofyouhaveeversuckedadrinkintoyourbreathingtubeinsteadofyourfoodanddrinkpipe?
Eyesallaroundmerolledinunison.Geez,IknowI’mfuckinguptheambianceandaestheticofthisplace,butstill.I’mhavingabadday,people.
“Youokay?AmIsupposedtopatyourback?Orwouldthatmakethingsworse?Isthecoffeethatshitty?Fortheseprices,itbetternotbe.”Miaclosedherlaptopandleanedforward.“Pleasedon’tmakemedomouth-to-mouth.”
Ilaughed.Andcoughed.
Sheexaminedmyface.“Okay,laughingisgood.ThatmeansnoHeimlichmaneuver.”
Miaalwaysknewhowtomakethingsalittlebetter,evenwhenmylifewasswirlingdownthedrain.She’dbeenmyrocksincethefirstdaysofcollege,andsomehowoveralltheyearsshestillstuckbymyside.AndIstuckbyhers.
“Look.”Cough.
“At.”Cough.
“This.”Cough.
Ihandedhermyphoneandhereyesbuggedasshescrolledthearticle.“Hey!Theymakeyousoundlikeyouhaveyourshittogether.It’sallprettygoodactually,”shechirped,thenpaused.“Well,okay,untiltheendpart.”
Itookthephonebackandreadthearticleasecondtime.
PUBLISHERSDIGESTEXCLUSIVE
CRACKINGTHEGLASSCEILING
LilyLee,formercommunicationsexecutive,nowbusinessstrategyconsultantandauthor,didn’texpecttowriteabookaboutwomenreachinggreaterheightsinthebusinessworldandobtainingcareersatisfaction.
ButwhenLeemadetheForbes30Under30listafewyearsagoandwasaskedtospeakatalumniandprofessionaleventsacrossthecountryabouthercareersuccess,sherealizedthatmanyyoungwomenwantedadviceonjobpromotions,presentingthemselvesintheworkplace,andhowtoseizeopportunities.Thisledtowritingherhighlypraisedbusinessbookforwomen,nowconsistentlytoppingtheself-helpandbusinesscharts.Herfirstbookintheseries,HOWTOBEAWORKSUPERNOVA,wasrecentlynamedaBestBusinessBookoftheYearbyTheWashingtonPostandTheWallStreetJournal.Overtheyears,Leehaslearnedthatpeoplewanttoreadgrassrootssuccessstorieslikehers,andyoungwomenalloverthecountryaretrustingherauthenticbusinessandcareeradvice.Leehasbig-nameendorsementstoo:SuzeOrman,SherylSandberg,andShondaRhimeshaveallexpressedloveforherwork.
Whenshewasinherearlytwenties,Leewaspromotedintoaseniorrole,puttingheronthefasttrack.“Mybosshadabruptlyleftthecompany,andIwastheonlyonewhoknewhowtodohisjob.Sure,onpaperthereweresomanypeoplewhohadmoreseniorityatthecompany…butIhadgreatrelationshipswithmyteammatesandwithourclients,andIhadtheindustryknowledgethatotherpeopledidn’t.Iputinthework,combingthroughtrendreports,goingtotradeshows,andreadingeverythingontheclouddriveIcouldgetmyhandsonmyfirstfewweeksofemployment.Becauseofthis,Iwasabletoinfluencepeopletogetthingsdone,andsoonIwasabletomoveuptheranksquickly.”
Quicklyisanunderstatement.Shewaspromotedtoaccountlead,thenvaultedfromdirectortoVPtoeventuallyEVPattheaward-winningSplashCommunicationsoveraspanofsixyears,leadingandgrowingtheApexMobileandHomegirlEntertainmentaccounts.Shelefttwoyearsagotoconsultfornewtechcompanies,assistingthemincreatingbreakthroughbrandidentitiesandgo-to-marketstrategiesfornewproducts.Atthattime,shecameupwiththeideaforHOWTOBEAWORKSUPERNOVA,securedaliteraryagent,andlandedamulti-bookpublishingdeal.
LilyLeehasinspiredotherstoforgesimilarpaths.TwinsCameronJohnO’HaraandMaryLouiseO’Hara,oftheprominentO’HarafamilyintheBostonarea,receivedawhoppingdealinanundisclosedpreemptforYOUGO,GIRL!andit’srumoredtobeinthehighsixfigures.Thisbookisalsoaboutwayswomencanfindsuccessintheworkplace,focusingonsimilarthemestoLee’sdebutbookandinterweavingtheauthors’ownwork-relatedanecdotes,startingwithinternshipsatthefamily’sbillion-dollarbeerandspiritsbusiness.YOUGO,GIRL!willbereleasinginthefall,followedbyLee’snextbook(currentlyuntitled),whichwillreleasesometimethefollowingyear.TheO’HarasannouncedtheirdealontheirInstagramaccounts,wheretheyeachhaveapproximately150Kfollowers.Inthecomingweeks,CameronandMarywillappearonCNNtotalkabouttheirdebut.
Youcanpreorderbooksbytheauthorshere.
Thelastparagraphofthearticlewasthecauseofmynear-chokingcaffeinedeath.
Iwipedawaythecough-inducedtearsfrommyfaceandtookanothersipoficedcoffee,thistimeswallowingitproperly.“CansomeonetellmewhatexperienceCameron,thekingbroofallbros,hastobeabletowriteabookaboutwomenovercomingobstaclesintheworkplace?DoCamandMaryevenwork?Everyoneknowstheywerehandedaplumjobbytheirdadoutofcollegeandtheydidn’thavetodoanythingtoearnit…It’sthecorporateequivalentofbeingbornintoroyalty.Canyouimaginegettingajobwithouteveninterviewing?AndthentheyhadaccesstotheeliteO’Haranetwork…soofcoursethey’llbeabletogetanyjobtheywantfortherestoftheirlives.”
Miasighed.“IwishIhadarichdad.Orattheveryleast,asugardaddywithmadLinkedInconnections.”
Iexhaledloudlyoutmynose.“WatchMaryandCam’sbooksell,like,agajillioncopies.Theirdadwillprobablybuythousandsofthemandgivethebooksouttotheemployeesasholidaygifts.SometimesIfeellikepublishingislikeahigh-riskgameofmusicalchairs,andeveryoneotherthanmeisgivenaheads-uponwhenthemusicwillstop.”
Mia’seyeswidened.“You’restartingtosoundjadedlikeme.Idon’tneedadoomsdaytwin,Iwantmyeven-keeledLilyback!Begone,youhorriblemonster!”
Miaknewallaboutworkingherfingerstothebone,andthechiponhershoulderagainsttheCameronsandMarysoftheworldwaslargerthanmine.MiaandIwereamongthehave-notswhoneededtodoworkstudyorhavepart-timejobsinordertoattend.Wecouldn’taffordtutors,off-campusparty-padapartments,orspringbreaksathigh-endresortsintheCaribbeanlikeeveryoneelse.WhenmyclassmatesaskedmewhereI“summered”beforegoingtocollege,theylookedatmelikeI’dcommittedafelonywhenIadmittedIworkedinretailandhadn’ttraveled.“ItwasBrooksBrothers,”Iadded,thinkingthatwouldhelp.Butitdidn’t:theywerewonderingifIwasaHamptons,Nantucket,orEuropeanvillasecond-homeperson,notapaid-by-the-hourtype.I’dcommittedasocialfauxpasanddidn’tevenknowitatthetime.Buttheuniverseeventuallygracedmewithmeeting“mypeople”incollege,lifelongfriendslikeMia,soitdidn’tmatter.
Escaping“lesser-than”statuswasahugemotivatorandwewerebothdeterminedtochangeourfutures.Takingatimemachinejumptopresentday:wewerenowsippingeight-dollaricedcoffeedrinksataplacethatservedyourbeveragesonpalepinknapkinswithinscriptionsthatremindedusto“Bekind,”lettingpatronsknow“Youareenough”onthenapkindispensers.Youwouldn’tknowitbylookingatherpetiteframeswimminginanoversizegrayhoodie,sportingamessyblackponytail,andsittingwithbothlegsproppedonanearbychair,butMiawasincrediblysuccessfulatPRandpublicity.Sosuccessfulinfactthatshe’dquitherjob,foundedherowncompany,MiaChangCommunications(knownofficiallyasMCC),andbuiltalucrativefreelancingbusinessfromthegroundup,mainlyworkingforstart-upsandup-and-comingfashionbrands.
“SorryI’mnotrichandpowerful.YouknowifIhadabilliondollarsliketheO’Haras,Iwouldhavegivenyouallthefreejobs.”Miabrokeoffapieceofgingercookieandstuffeditinhermouth.Shehadnofixed9-to-5schedule,soshe’dofferedtohelpmemoveintomybedroominasharedapartmentnearcampus,undertheconditionthatIwouldbeherfirstauthorclient,andthatshe’dhelpmewithpublicityformynewbooktobroadenherportfolio.Iagreedandtreatedustothisnicecafébreakfastthedaybeforewesetoutonmy“College,taketwo!”adventure.
Shebrokeoffanotherpieceandhandedittome.“Forwhatit’sworth,Ithinkyourbookwillspeaktomorepeople,notlikeYouGo,Girl!bytheO’Haras.Yoursisabouthowrealpeoplegetjobsandclimbtheirwayup.It’snotthisfairygodmothershitthatneverhappenstoregularfolks.Youofferrealisticshit.”
Isighed.“Peopledon’twantrealisticshit.”
Shesnorted.“What?Ofcoursetheydo.”
Ichewedthecookieandstaredatmycoffeecup.“Theywanttoseesuccesswithoutallthegrittiness,ugliness,andstrugglesbehindthescenes.Theywantfairy-talestoriesaboutprosperous,beautifulwomenwhohavethemeanstoclimbhigher,andthendo.Iguessit’smoreaspirationalthatway,andpredictable.Ortheywanttolivevicariouslymaybe,likeinafantasyworld…whoknows.ButIdon’tknowthatkindoflife.Ionlyknowmine.”
MiatappedonmyhandsoIwouldlookupather.“Yourbooksspeaktosomanywomen.Youraudienceisgrowing.Peopleneedstorieswithrealadversity,likeyours.FuckthetwinsandtheirDaddyWarbucksmoney.Andtheirmansion.Andprivateisland.Don’tlet’emgettoyou.”
Yeah.“Screwtheirmoneyandmansionandprivateisland,”Isaidwithaslightsmirk.
“Andallbecauseyoudidn’tactuallygraduatecollege,andtechnicallyeachoftheO’Harashasthatonyou—plusbillionsofdollarsandeasyaccesstobeautyprofessionalsandplasticsurgeonswhomakethemlookperfect—don’tlet’embringyoudown.They’verattledyoubadandyoucan’tletthathappen.”Miapausedandwinced.“Didthewhole‘didn’tactuallygraduatecollege’thinggotoofar?”
“Andtheotherstuffdidn’t?”Ibarkedoutalaugh.“Nah.I’musedtohowtheworldis.It’slikeonelongstringofunluckybreakswithoccasionalblipsofhope.SometimesIfeellikeadown-and-outgambler,hopingtofinallycatchmybreak.”Throwingmywaddednapkinonthetable,Isaid,“ButI’musedtoit.Solet’sgo.Ineedtogohomeandpack.”
Shescootedherchairback.“AstheO’Haratwinswouldsay,YOUGO,GIRL!”Miapausedandstifledalaugh.“Toofaragain?”
Inodded.“Yep.Toofarandtoosoon.”
Wegulpeddownthelastofourcoffeesandwalkedoutsideintoalightmist.Aquickrainfallhadcomeandgonewhilewewereinsidethecafé.Miapointeddownthestreet.“Isthatadoublerainbow?”Sureenough,itwas.ThefirstoneI’deverseen.Iwouldn’thavenoticeditatallifshehadn’tmentionedit.
MaybeIwaslookingatlifeallwrong,seeingtheworldthroughshit-coloredglasses,andI’dmissedoutongoodthingsrightinfrontofme.ItwassomethingtothinkaboutasIstartedmycollegelifejourney…again.Maybeeverythingwaslookingup,opportunitiesawaitingme,andIjustdidn’tknowityet.ChapterFour
Youhadsixweekstopackandpurge,andyoustillbroughtwaytoomuchcrap,”Miayelledoutthetruckwindow.
Shewasright.AllofmystuffweigheddowntheU-Haul,whichresultedinmeneedingtofillupongasearlierthanexpectedaswesputteredintothegreaterCarlthorpemetropolitanarea.Thepumpchuggedalongandclicked,andthenthedisplayshowedthefinaldamage.Eighty-fivedollars.Westillhadfifteenmileslefttogo,andtomyknowledge,thiswastheonlygasstationinthearea.
MialeanedherheadoutagainasIrecappedthegastank.“Canyourunacrossthestreettothegrocerystoreandbuysomemoresnacks?Ifinishedourstash,sorry.I’llwashthewindowswiththesqueegeewhileyoushop.Wecandivideandconquer.”
Ifgiventhechoicebetweengroceryshoppingandwashingwindows,Iwasdefinitelyallfor#teamgrocery.Ihatedeverythingaboutthewindow-washingprocess.Pullingoutthelongstickwiththequestionablyhygienichandlefromthemurkyliquid…sogross.Wasitevencleaningfluidinthefirstplace?Therewerenobubblesordisinfectantsmells,notthatIeverstuckmynoseintheretoconfirm.Thespongyheadinevitablydrippedbrownish-graybarfwaterontomyshoes,evenwhenItriedtoavoiditatanycost.IhopedMiawouldkeepittothefrontwindshieldonly—Icouldseehergettingcarriedawayandsqueegeeingourentiretruckjusttomakeitlookuniform.
Lookingbothwaysandcrossingthestreet,Iwasfeelinggoodaboutmydecisiontoshop,untilMiashoutedoutherwishlist.
“Sparklingwater!Doritos!Saltedalmonds!SourPatchKids!ChexMix!Andalcohol!”
“That’sall?”Ishoutedback.
“Oh,andashitloadofcondoms!”
I’dalreadycrossedthestreetandwasn’tabouttobellowacrossthebusyintersection,“WHATDOYOUMEAN,SHITLOADOFCONDOMS?”
Itextedher,Condoms???Really???andproceededtoenterthemarketthroughthedoubleautomaticdoors,grabbingaredplasticbasketalongtheway.
GrandCentralMarketstilllookedexactlythesame,andwasasoverpricedasever,buttheyalsomanagedtohaveeverythingIneeded.Includingcondoms.Asajoke,atleastIthinkitwasajoke,IboughtMiatheentireinventory,whichwasn’tactuallythatvast,butbymystandards,itwasashitload:fourboxesofvarioussizes,textures,andthickness.ThenIproceededtobuytherestofMia’swishlist,alongwithadietDrPepper,abagofBugles,andasmallbottleofJackDaniel’sformyself.Passingthedairycasewithmyfullbasket,Istoppedabruptlyandadeepcraving,aculinarypanginmyverycore,keptmestandingthere.Thesmalltubsofsourcreamwereonsale,halfoff.TheLiptononiondipmixwasrightbehindme,onanenddisplay.
Serendipity.
Igrabbedthecontainerandpacketandmademywaytothenextrow:RuffleswithFrenchoniondipweremyabsoluteworstvice,andIonlyboughtthemwhenIwasstressedbeyondbelief:duringfinals,afterabreakup,whileIwasonawritingoreditingdeadline.ItwasadietarydisasterI’dpickedupincollegeduringResLifestudybreaks.AsIcontinuedbrowsingthechipoptions,Iconsideredmypresent-dayexistence—thatIwasThelmaandLouiseroad-trippingwithmyfriendfromcollegewhohadmanagedtograduatetenyearsagowhileIhadnot—thatIwasmovingbacktoCarlthorpetofinishmyundergraduatedegreeinmythirties.Mythirties,forGod’ssake.Yes,theseunprecedentedtimescalledforchipsanddip.
Igrabbedanextrabottleofvodkaonsaleandaddedittomybaskettoo.Becausewhynot?
ThebaskethandlestretchedoblonglyfromalltheweightasIwaddledtothecheckoutline,carryingmygoodstwo-handed.Withbotharmsstraining,Iputthebasketdownonthefloorandwaitedfortheguyinfrontofmetounloadhisitemsontothecounteratasloth’space.
Thecashieractivatedtheconveyorbelt,leavingmeroomtoputdownmygroceriesasitmoved.MyfaceflushedwhenIwitnessedtheassortmentofitemsbelongingtothecustomerinfrontofmerumblingtowardthecashier’sscanner:PepcidAC,toiletpaper,TUMS,twoMonsterEnergydrinks,twocasesofSamAdams…andtomysurprise,Ruffles,sourcream,andLiptononiondipmix.
Damn,he’sliterallythereasontheyinventedself-checkout.Thissecondhandembarrassmentiskillingme.Istaredhardatthefloor.Hiswhite-and-blackAdidaswereprettyordinary.Probablyasizeten.Olive-greencargoshorts,nottoomuchofasurprise.Isnuckaquickglanceupwardtoseewhathelookedlike,butimmediatelyavertedmyeyesdowntotheflooragain,rememberingthatthiswasacollegetown,andthelastthingIneededwastoknowwhoexactlythiswaswhoneededallthegastrorelief,andIdefinitelydidn’twanttoappeartobeinterestedinhimbyaccidentallystaringtoolong.ThiswasnotthetimetobelabeledtheCarlthorpeCampusCougar?.
Ashechattedwiththecashier,curiositygotthebestofme,andIpeekedoncemore,buthehaddippedhischinsolowIcouldn’tgetagoodlook.Hisfrayedredbaseballcapembroideredwithalarge“C”forCarlthorpeonthefronthidmostofhisface:itwasanondescripthat,thecolorsowashedoutitwasarguablymorepinkthancrimson.Allthatwasvisiblefrombeneathhisvintagecapwashismesmerizing,gorgeoussmile.
Snapoutofthehypnotictrance,Lily.Badcougar.Bad.
Imethodicallyunloadedmyitems,separatingthegroceriesintorefrigeratedanddrygoods,continuingtoavoideyecontactwiththisSamAdamsandRufflespartymaniacwithgastrointestinaldistress.
MyentirebodyfrozewhenIlookeddownatmybasket.Thefourcondomboxeswereallthatwereleft.RedHatGuywasalmostdone,withonlysomebeerlefttoscan,andMiahadn’ttextedbackwhyexactlysheneededallthecondoms,althoughIhadmyguesses.IquicklyunloadedthemandgrabbedanUsWeeklywithHarryStylesonthecovertoblanketmyvariousprophylactics.
Iheardhimchuckleandthensay,“Goodtimesahead,eh?”MybreathhitchedwithaquickinhaleasIrealizedhewasn’tjustlaughingatthecondoms:hewasreactingtomyglassvodkabottlethathadtippedoverwhentheconveyorbeltreengaged.Itrolledallthewayuptohisbeercases,andthenbarreledbackwhenthebeltstoppedmoving,crashingintotheboxesofcondomslikeabowlingballsplittingpinsdownthemiddleofthelane.
CLINK!ThevodkabottlecontinuedrollingandslammedintotheJackDaniel’s.Hard.
“Cheers!”RedHatGuyspokewithahintofamusementinhisvoice.
MyfacegrewhotasIseparatedthebottleswiththefamily-sizeRufflesbagasabufferandletoutalong,exasperatedbreath.Ihadn’tevenmadeittocampusyetandIwasalreadystressedoutofmymindaboutasimplestoretrip.Anditdidn’thelpthatmyfirstencounterwithaCarlthorpianwasturningintoacringysitcomdisaster.
“Hopeyouenjoyyourfamily-sizeRufflesandoniondip.”
Excuseme?Washebeingsarcastic?Orenvious?Itwashardtotellatfirst,butIrememberedhe’dmadethesamepurchase.He’dmadethatcommentinsolidarity.
RedHatGuywalkedawaywithaplasticbagandacaseofbeerineachhand.“Thankyou,”Imuttered,watchinghimexitthestore.Hissalt-and-pepperhairpeekedfromunderhiscap,suggestinghewasolderthanheacted.Hehadanathleticbuild,putonvisualdisplayashisgrayT-shirtpulledtightlyacrosshisbroadshoulderswhilehehauledhisheavyload.Ipulledmyattentionbacktomygroceriesandthecashier,thenpaidandwalkedoutwithtwoheavybrownbags.
Icouldn’tshakeaprickleoffamiliaritywiththeRedHatGuy.Wasitsimplyinstantattraction?Ididenjoyhisgruff,“justwokeup”voice…hisconfidentstanceasheswipedhiscreditcardandbaggedsomeitemshimself…andhiseaseinjustbeingokaywithhisembarrassingpurchaseswithouttheneedtohidethemwithatabloidmagazine.
Still…therewassomething,ajenesaisquoi—
HONNNNKKKKK!
Mia’sheadshotoutofthepassenger-sidewindowoftheU-Haul.Sheshouted,“Couldyoubeanyslower?Whatareyou,ancient?Likethirty-two?”Apause.“Sorry,toofaragain?Ortoosoon?”
“Yep.Both.”Ihandedherthegroceriesandenteredthedriver’sside.ShelookedinsidethebagsasIturnedontheignitionandrestartedthenavigationonmyphone.
ShesquealedanddoveintotheBuglesbag.“Ididn’tevenaskforthese!Youknowmesowell!”
Ismiledandputthetruckintoreverse.Thirtyminuteslefttogointhislegofthetrip.Thenthetrulydreadedpartofthejourneywouldbegin.
Orrebegin,dependinghowyoulookedatit.
IheldoutmyhandandMiahandedmeafistfulofsaltycornconetreats.Aftershovingthemintomymouthonebyone,Ipulledoutoftheparkinglotandbarreleddownthenewlypaved,tree-linedstreettowardCarlthorpe’scampusChapterFive
ROOMIE!”
Theapartmentdoorflungopenandayoungtwenty-somethingwithaswishygoldenponytailtackle-huggedme.SheremindedmeofagoldenretrieverIhaddog-walkedonce.Thepuppyhadthehabitofenthusiasticallysmellingthecrotchesofanyonewepassedonthesidewalk.Fingerscrossedmynewroommatewouldn’tsharethistrait.
Sheloosenedherfirmgriparoundmyuppertorsoandtookastepback.“You’reveryhuggable,youknowthat?Likeanadorablepoppin’freshPillsburyDoughgirl,butthedoughisn’tallover,it’sjustinyourboobs.They’regreatthough,yourboobs,don’tgetmewrong.Imeanthatinthebestwaypossible,mynanahadanicesettoo.I’mBeth,butyoucancallmeRoomie,Roomie!”
Holyshit.MyroommatewasafemaleTedLasso.
So.Much.Energy.
Andyes,IhadasizeDchest,whichcamewithallsortsofproblemsotherthanbeinghuggable,suchasunwantedleeringstares,ill-fittingtops,andchronicbackpain.ButI’dnevereverbeentoldmyboobswerepoppin’fresh.Thiswasafirst.Andhopefullythelast.
Miapeekedovermyshoulderandwhisperedintomyear,“DoIneedtobookusanAirbnb?Thiscouldbeadisaster.JustsaythewordandI’llgetitdone.”
“It’sfine.”Thetruthwas,Ikindoflikedher.AsidefromMia,I’dhadsometerribleroommates;theworstonewasfromfreshmanyear.Erika,whoalwayssetherphonealarmatfullblastat5AM.tohitthegym,andthensnoozeditadozentimes,andneveractuallymadeittoanyofherspinclasses.Ever.
Beth’sarmswildlygesturedasshespokeaboutthewalkabilityoftheneighborhood,likeherbodycreatedcaffeineasaby-product.Shewasnicethough,andthatwentalongwaywithme.Ididn’toriginallyplantohavearoommate,buttherewerenostudioapartmentsavailabletorentaroundcampus,andone-bedroomsintownwerescarceandinhighdemand.I’dmissedthecampushousinglottery,whichwasmaybeablessing—itwasfarbetterformetobeaseniorlivingoffcampusandcommutinginstead.
UsuallypeoplewhowereinapartmentsweretransfersorthosewhohadbeenbootedoutofResLifefornoncompliance,andthethoughtcrossedmymindwhenshemadeadistinctionbetweenthosedormkidsandpeopleoffcampus
Miahadbeensubliminallyfollowingmytrainofthoughtaboutoff-campusliving,becausesheaskedBethpoint-blank,“Sowhat’syourdeal?Areyouatransfer?Ordidyougetkickedoutofhousing?”
Bethdidn’tchangeherpuppy-dogeagerdemeanoronebit.“Well,itdependswhoyouask.Ifyouaskme,I’dsaytherewasagrossmisunderstandingandI’mstillwaitingtoclearmynamewiththeCarlthorpejudicialcommittee.IfyouaskthedirectorofResidentialLife,shemightsaythatsomeonefittingmydescriptionallegedlyprovidedprescriptiondrugsasanillegalstudyaid,butinrealityabunchoffloormatesbrokeintomyroomandstoleanoldbottleofmyexpiredAdderalllastyearduringfinals.Itwastheirwordagainstmine.Theyweretrusteefamilies,ifyoucatchmydrift.”
Itookheratherwordandletitgo.“Well,I’msorrytohearthat.ButI’mhappytomeetyou,Beth.ThisisMia,she’smygoodfriend,aCarlthorpealumnahelpingmemovein.Shegraduatedtenyearsago.”
“Oh!Youdon’tlooktenyearsolderthanus!”Bethmaneuveredaroundmetohug-tackleMia.“AnyfriendofRoomie’sisafriendofmine.Nicetomeetyou!Areyoustayin’long?I’mfixin’toputaroastedchickenintheoven.Well,it’snotroastednow,it’suncookedandfleshypinkatthemoment,butgivemeforty-fiveminutesandI’llfixthatproblem!”
MyroomiesqueezedMiahard,andIexchangedglanceswithheroverBeth’shead.Mia’sfacewaspriceless.Adead-evenmixofexpressions:halfamusement,halfrevulsion.“Tobeclear,I’mtenyearsolderthanyou,notLily.She’smyage,thoughshedoesn’tlookit.There’sthesaying‘Asiandon’traisin’andshe’slivingproofofthat.AndalthoughIdolovechicken,IneedtohelpmyfriendhereunloadhershitandthenIgottaheadbacktothetruckrentalbeforetheychargeusanextraday.We’vegotplentyofboxesandcontainerstounload,likethisone.”
Mynewroomie’seyesroundedwhenshenoticedoneoftheclearplasticstackablecontainersMiahadplacedonthefloorbyherfeet,packedwithtampons,pads,essentialK-beautyproducts,and,ofcourse,condoms.She’dputthefourboxesinplainview.Thanksforthat,Mia.
MiawheezedinBeth’sarms,“I’llbevisitingoften,don’tyouworry.Sochickenraincheck?”
BethloosenedhergripandMiatookinadeepbreathofrelief.
“Abso-freakin-lutely!IfIknowyou’recoming,Icanmakeafeastforallofustoo.Ilovecookingforagroup!Imakeameanbreadpudding.Ilovebakingprettymucheverything,exceptforpopovers.OrYorkshirepudding,dependingonwhereyou’refrom.”
“Howcanyoubeanti-popover?”Iasked,mildlyhorrified.Popoversweresocrowd-pleasinglysimple.
“Well,they’rebeige,flavorless,andasboringasmyuncleJude.And,mostimportantly,they’retoolightandairy.Ihopeyoutwolovebutter,it’saBethReynoldsstaple!”ShelightlypunchedMiaintheupperarm.
Mialookedatmeandshrugged.“Imean,seriously,whodoesn’tlovebutter?”
Indeed.Godblessbutter.
“Alrighty!Ihavetoruntothebookstorerealquicktograbaworkbook,buthollerifyouneedanything.IcanhelpyouunpackwhenIgetback.Andbytheway,everythingofmineisourstoshare.Well,exceptformyboyfriend,whogoestoGeorgetownandwhoIplantomarry,he’sstrictlyoff-limits.Butotherthanhim,what’smineisyours!Micasaessucasa,literally!Oh,andexceptforrazors,deodorant,andtoothbrushes,becausesharingthosewouldbedownrightnasty.Nicetomeetyaboth!”Bethandherponytailswishedpastus,leavingMiaandmestandingintheentryway,mouthsagape,asthefrontdoorclosed.
Ipointedtothedoorway.“It’sgoingtotakemeawhiletoprocesswhatjusthappenedthere.”
Mia’seyesbulged.“Thatwaslikelisteningtoapodcastat2Xspeed.”
Ilaughedandclappedmyhands.“Okay,let’sfindmybedroomandstartunloadingbeforeitgetsdark.”
Theentireapartmentwasdecoratedfarmhouseshabbychic,intrueBethReynoldsstyle,withheavyemphasisonfarmandshabby.Althoughtherewasanabsenceofhayonthefloor,thelivingroomandkitchenhadavintagequalitythatpaidhomagetoanolderera.Bethwasclearlyanaspiringantiquescollectoror,maybemoreaccurately,anoldjunkamasser.Oldwoodenmilkcrateswereusedasbookshelvesandsidetables.Glassmilkbottlesandmasonjarsdoubledasdrinkware.Cow,pig,androosterwoodenartpopulatedthewalls,asdidmetalJohnDeeretractorsigns.Itwasmorekitschythantacky,butbarely.
Thiswasnotimetothrowstonesatanyglasshouse,evenatackyfarm-themedone,becauseIcouldrelate.Inmycollegedays,andevenafewyearsafter,Iusedtobrowseandbuyallofmydecorandfurnitureinthriftshopsandconsignmentstorestosavemoneyandtoblowoffsteamthroughlow-endretailtherapy.Thethrilloffindingmynext“trashtreasure”wasincomparabletoanypleasureIderivedfromgrown-uppurchasesI’dmadeinmymoresuccessfulyears.Istillhadmygreatestfindssomewhereinstorage:avintageNirvanashirt,ahand-paintedporcelainrooster,andasetofcast-ironskilletsthatwereheavyasfucktolughomebutwereonlytendollarsthankstoaredtagspecial.Theseweremymostprizedpossessions.
Miapursedherlips,likesheneededtosaysomethingorshe’dexplode.Thenshefinallydid.
“Howinthehellareyousupposedtoinviteanyoneoverwithallthatcrazycountrycrapallaround?YoucouldhangaboxofcondomswithaFREESEX!signaroundyourneckandgetthemtothedoor,butthey’llone-hundred-eighty-degreespinwhentheyseeallthatfucked-upfarmfuckeryinside.You’renotseriouslygoingtolivehere,right?”
Ishrugged.“IguessI’llhavetocrossthatbridgelater,ifitevercomes.”Weenteredmylargesquarebedroomassheendedherrant.Iputdownmysatchelandphonebythedoor.“Aha!NowIknowwhyyouhadmebuyallthosecondoms.YouwantmetobeanSTDlure,towhichImustsaynothankyou.Butasforyourmainconcern,Ithinkit’llbefine.Beth’sgotaboyfriend,andIcanjustfocusonmystudies,getmystupidcredits,andgetthehelloutofhereafteronesemester.Idon’tneedtoinvitepeopleoverandbesocial.”
Miacockedherhead.“Seriously?You’redoingthisallwrong.That’swhyyou’reluckytohavemehereasyourorgasmoracle.Thecondomsarestrictlyforjust-in-caseuse,likeifyouhookupwithanotherstudentfromclassorhaveapartyandwanttogetallnakedwithsomedude.Maybethisisjustthethingtogetyoutodatemoreandputyourselfoutthere.”Shedroppedthebagsofsnacksfromthestoreontothecarpetedfloor.“Thisisyoursecondchancetodocollege!Surelytherearethingsyou’llwanttotryagainthistimearound.Ordoforthefirsttime.Somanyofmyfriendsarejealousofthisopportunity.”
Ipulledtheclosetdooropenandflickedonthelight.“You’realljealousofmescrewingupmylifesobadlythatIdidn’tgetenoughcredits?Jealousofmebeingindangeroflookinglikeafraudifanyoneexposesmebeforemynextbookcomesout?Myliferightnowishardlyenviable.”
Shetooktheboxesofcondomsfromthecontainerandstackedthemintheemptydresser’stopdrawer,allniceandorderly.“Noooo,chingoo,that’snotwhatImeant.Collegeisthelaststageofmetamorphosisbeforebecomingarealadult.Thenyougetburdenedbyloansandmortgagesand401(k)s.Everyoneweknowisgettingmarriedorisalreadymarried.They’rehavingbabies.Somearepeakingatworkandsomearehittingplateausintheirjobs.You’regettingachancetoreliveatimewhenmostpeoplehavenoworries.”
Mostpeople.ButyouknowaswellasIdothatwasn’ttrueformeincollege.
Shepattedmyarm.“Okay,asidefromthefactthatyoualmostfailedoutoftwoclassesandthenmessedupthewholemajorpass/failthingtograduate,remembersomeofthosefuntimeswehadtogether?You’ddumpedyourshittyandboringlong-distancehighschoolboyfriend,theguywhowouldmakeastickinthemudlookinteresting.WewentallBeyoncé‘RuntheWorld(Girls)’rightafterthat—wewentdancingandhadthosefakeIDsandwenttodinersontheweekendatoneAM.tosharecheesefries.”Shesighedwistfully.“Andyouevendatedthatcuteguyforawhile…Jake.JakeChofromASA?Theguywhoalwaysworesummerclothes,evenwhenitwassnowing?”
Yes,hewasintheAsianStudentAssociationwithMiaandme.JakeandIwereclubofficersoursophomoreandjunioryears.Wehadbothbrokenofflong-distancerelationshipsandthenwestarteddatingthenightwewentoutoftowntoattendColumbia’sKoreanStudentAssociationcultureshow.Butitwassupposedtobejustacasualthing,withmyfriendseggingmeontohookupwithhimbecausehewasavailableandlookingforagoodtime,andwehadbothbrokenupwithourhighschoolsweethearts.Weactuallystarteddatingbutthingswerenotperfect,anditledtomutuallyassuredemotionaldestruction.
JakeCho.Myfriendturnedfriend-with-benefits,turnedboyfriend,turned…messy.Actuallydevastating.Notexactlyoneofthosegoodol’collegedaysmemories.“Ilookedhimupawhilebackbuthe’snotonline.”Hisinternetexistencedisappearedafewyearsago.ThelastI’dseenfromhimwasapersonalblogofhisrandommusingsandcarefreedrivesacrossthecountry.Aftercollege,I’dmovedtoahigh-riseinNYCwithabunchoffriendsandneverleft.Iwastheoppositeofadigitalnomad.Iwastetheredtomyjob.Shackled,actually,forlesspaythanIwasworth.Itwasn’tuntilIleftthecompanytostartconsultingandsecuredabookdealthatIhadmorefinancialfreedom.
Miapulledoutherphone.Type,type,type.Click.Click.Tap.Tap.“I’llbedamned.You’reright.JakeChowenttotallyoffthegridafewyearsaftergraduation.ButthereareabunchofJakeChosonline,maybehe’slostintheseaofthem.Ormaybehe’sinwitnessprotection.Ormaybehedied.”Miatappedonherscreen.“Okay,therearenoobitsforanyJakeChos.Butifhewasinwitnessprotection,it’spossiblehe’snotlistedintheobituaryunderhisrealname—”
“Hey,thisconversationhasgonenoticeablymorbidandIdon’treallyfeelliketalkingaboutJakerightnow.Canwejustunpackandnottalkaboutwitnessprotectionanddying?”Mia’sconspiracytheoriesusuallyendedwithmurderanddeath.Itwasn’tjustJake.
Seeingmyexnowwouldbemortifying.Whenyouencountersomeoneaftertenyears,youhopetoGodyou’reinabetterplaceprofessionally,socially,emotionally,andmentallysinceyourlastencounter.Ididn’twantJaketoseemelikethis.Notwhenmyprofessionallifewasinshambles.Whilejobless.Withnohusband.Nokids.Noadvanceddegrees,orevenacollegeoneforthatmatter.Evenmyauthorcareerwasstagnatingwithadeadlinenowpastdue.
Miaknockedonmyforehead,pullingmeoutofmydownwardspiralofthoughts.
“Whatthehell?”Iasked,swipingherhandawaylikeitwasaflurryofspiders.
“I’mtryingtocrackthathardshellofyours.Thisisn’trelivingcollegeagainexactlyasitwas.Thisisgivingitanothergo,onyourterms.Soyes,pleasestudy,butalsorememberthatyouknowhowtoprioritizeprojectsnowandgetshitdonebecauseyoukickedassatworkforsomanyyears.Havefunwhenyou’renotstudying!You’vebeengivenanenviablegift!”Shenoddedherheadtowardthestackofcontainers.“Now,let’smoveyouinsoyoucangetyourdamndegree.”
“ButthistimeI’mgoingtobethatweird,mysteriousmaturestudentwhoalltheregularundergradsnoticeandsilentlyjudge.”MyshouldersslumpedasItookmytoiletrybagoutofmyrollerbag.“Rememberwhenyouweretwenty-two,thinkingthatthirty-twowassoold?Inmypreviousjobwelookedatcustomerpreferencesbyage,soadultswouldbesplitupintorangesofeighteentotwenty-four,thentwenty-fivetothirty-four.I’minacompletelydifferentdemographicthaneveryonehere!”Isighedloudly.“Maybeit’stoolatetotrysomethingexcitingandnew.MaybeI’lljusttakewhateverclassistheeasiestinsteadoftryingtobeadventurous.”
“I’mtellingyou,thatwouldbeashame.Youdon’tthinkyoucanteachanolddognewtricks,isthatit?WhataboutthetimewhenweweredrunkandItaughtyouhowtoproperlylineatrashcan?Anddidn’tyoushowmelastyearthatyoucouldburpthealphabet?”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Yestothetrashthing,andthealphabetwassomethingIlearnedinhighschool,anditdoesn’tcount.Anditshouldnever,everbementionedagain.Also,rememberthatoverthelastdecade,I’vewatched,like,ahundredvideosonhowtofoldafittedbedsheetandIstillcan’tdoit.”
“Okay,fine.Butmaybethisisallagoodthingforyou.Youwerego-go-gofortenyears.Atthesamecompanyandonthesameteamformostofthattime.Younevertookclassesortraveledlikeyousaidyouwould.”Miawaggedherfingeratme.“Itcouldbeatimeforreinvention!Anyway,grabyourshitsoIcanreturnthetruck.”BeforeIcouldprotestanymore,Miahadmarchedoutofmybedroom,swingingtheU-Haulkeysincirclesonherfinger.
Myfirstyearofcollegeithadbeenmymomanddadmovingmeintothedorms.Thatdaywasmiserablebecausewearguedabouteverylittlething.Whichbanktouseforopeningacheckingaccount.Whethertotakethestairsortheelevator.Howtoorganizemydresserandclosets.Andthatwasjustthefirsthour.Butovertheyears,Miahadbecomethepersontofillintheemotionalcracksandholesthatmyparentshadleftgapingandneverbotheredtomendorrepair.Igrewintomyownperson,andMiawasthereforthat.Shehadmybackandwaswillingtofightformenomatterwhat.Shewasmyfamily,andIwashers,anditwasfittingthatshewastheonewithmenow.She’dliterallyfightformeifshehadto,likeintheoldendayswhenyouhadaduelwithpistolsandfoughtforsomeone’shonor.Miawouldbeupforaphysicaltakedownanytime,whichwasalittlescary.Butalsoendearing.
IfIwaseveraccusedofacrime,Miawouldbemyautodial.MymomanddadwouldbetooworriedaboutthewordgettingoutinourgossipyKoreancommunity,moreconcernedbythatthanmywell-being.Itwasjusthowmyrelationshipwithmyparentswas.Wehaddifferentprioritiesandvalues,anditwasn’tuntilIwaslivingonmyownandhadsoughtoutmentalhealthsupportthatIfinallycametotermswithit
AndmaybeMiawasrightaboutgettinganothershotatcollege.I’dwatchedthosecomedicmovieslikeNeverBeenKissedandLifeoftheParty,wherethemaincharactergoesbacktoschool,getsasecondchance,anditendswithahappily-ever-after.Maybewhenallthiscollegedramafinallyblewover,thatwouldhappenformetoo.ChapterSix
ItwasearlySeptember,orientationweekhadjustended,andthehustleandbustleoffallsemesterwasinfullswing.Accordingtomyreenrollmentpacket,Ineededtogetfinalsignofffrommyacademicadvisor,DeanBalmer-Collins.Thesamewomanwhomisguidedmemylastsemestertenyearsago,approvingmypass/failcreditswithoutwarningmeaboutwhatthetrade-offwouldbe.Shehadhyphenatedhername,woreaweddingringwithadiamondthesizeofaHershey’sKiss,andhadupgradedherofficetoonewithawindow.She’dfoundgoodfortunethelasttenyears.
“Please,comein.Apologiesforrunninglate.”Shegesturedformetotakeaseat.DeanBalmer-Collins’sstoicdemeanorandchin-lengthbobhadremainedthesameovertheyears,asdidtheslightdisdaininhervoice.
Isatintheplush,wornguestchair,myhandsoverlappingonmyrightcrossedknee,andtookdeepbreathsinandout.AllIneededfromherwasasignature.ThenIwouldneverseeheragain.NoneedtomentionthatI’dknownherinmypreviouslife,andthatshewasthemainreasonIwassittinghereinthefirstplace.Bygones,andallthat.
“Wehaveaslightproblem,MissLee.”Shetookherglassesoffandplacedtheminfrontofheronhermahoganydesk.
Surelytheproblemcouldn’tbeworsethanyouscrewingupmycollegegraduationthefirsttimearound?
“Itappearsthatyourmajorisnolongeroneweoffer.Assuch,I’mloathtosaythatyouwillneedtopickanewmajor.”
Mystomachdroppedtomyfeet.“But…Carlthorpewasthefirstcollegetoofferacombinedsociology-anthropologymajor.”
Shenodded.“Yes,anditwaspopularforalongtime,butwephaseditoutseveralyearsagoinfavorofstreamliningourmajorsandaddedonesmoretechnologicallyforwardinthinking.Thegoodthingis,mostofyourcreditsapplytoeitherasociologyoranthropologymajor,andifyouchooseeitherofthose,youcanverywellbeonyourwaytofinishingyourdegreeinonesemesteror,dependingonyourworkload,twosemesters.Idon’twanttosaythisisbadnewsnecessarily,becauseI’dliketoseethisasanexcitinglearningopportunitymorethananythingelse.”
Learningopportunity?Iscouredherfaceforsomekindofsignthatshewasfeedingmealoadofbullshit,butshehadagoodpokerface.
Thedeanrestedherhandsonherdesk.“We’veaddedadditionalSTEMrequirementstoallliberalartsmajors,soinadditiontoyourcourseworkneededtograduate,you’llneedtotakecalculus,statistics,orcomputerscience,oranyofthesciencesontheapprovedlist.Forthefirsttwo,therearemathclassesthataremorequalitativeanddesignedspecificallyforthehumanities.Forexample,thestatsclassesaretailoredtowardsurveyimplementation,collection,andanalysis,andalthoughthoseclassesarecurrentlyfull,youcantrytoputyourselfonthewaitlist.It’smyunderstandingthatthestatisticsclasshasonebigprojectassignmentplusafinal,soit’sagoodbetforalate-termadmittance.ButitlooksliketheIntroductoryComputerScienceclasshasanopenspot.”Shescribbledhersignatureonmycoursework.“Sojustupdateyourmajor,addtheextraSTEMclass,andhopefullyyou’llbegraduatinginnotime,Liana.Thankyouforstoppingin.”
Liana?
Shescootedthepieceofpaperovertomeandturnedherfullattentiontoherlaptop,asifI’dinstantlyturnedinvisible.
Hello?I’mstillhere!
MypulsequickenedasIconsideredwhattodonext.Gettingmynamewrongwarrantedacorrection,butdidIbothertellingherwhathadhappenedallthoseyearsago,andthatherbadadviceledmehere?Wouldsheevencare?
Istoodfrommychair,thensatbackdown.Yes,Ineedtosetherstraight.
Thenstoodagain.Shedoesn’tcare.Shecan’tevengetmynameright.Andshe’scompletelyignoringme.Infact,sheturnedupthevolumeonhercomputerandit’spumpingoutDebussy.
Isatoncemore.Lily,youneedtoconfronther.Youcan’tlethergetawaywiththis.
“Isthereanythingelseyou’dliketodiscuss?”Shetippedherheaddownandraisedaneyebrow.“Clearlyyou’reconflictedaboutleavingthisroom,thatmuchisobvious.”Thedeanletoutaboredsigh.“Mostkidscan’twaittoleavemyoffice.”
Noshit,Iwonderwhy.
Shetappedherfingersonthedesklikeshewasplayingafive-notearpeggio.Overandover.“Liana,whatelsedoyouneedfromme?”
Iballedmyfists.“It’sLily,actually.TenyearsagoyouwereDeanBalmer,assistantdeanoftheArtsandSciences?”
Shepursedherlipsandnodded.
“Tenyearsagoyougavemeacademicadvicethathasnowcomebacktohauntme.Youweretheonewhoadvisedmetotakemorethanoneclasspass/fail.Ididn’tgraduatethatyear,basedoninsufficientcredits.”
Hereyetwitched.“Ibegyourpardon?TenyearsagoIwasjustgrantedtenure,soclearlyIwasdoingmyjob.Admittedly,Iwasplanningmyweddingandhadafullplateatthattime.Ifyouslippedthroughthecracks,well,thisisjustasmuchyourfault.Yourgenerationisalwayslookingtoblameothers.Accountabilityforyourfuture,well,thatwasandissomethingyouneedtoaccept,especiallyanadult.”Shesquintedatme.“Atbest,IsupposeIcouldhaveofferedadvicethatyoueithermisinterpretedorignored.Atworst,youmadesomebadlifechoicesandarelookingtofindsomeoneelsetoblameotherthanyourself.”
Thegallofthislady.“Look,IacceptthatthisissomethingIneededtoownupto,butIwasinacrisisthenandyoufedmemisinformation.Whathappenedtenyearsagocan’tbechangedandthere’snothingIcandoaboutitnow.I’mowninguptothatandI’vegrownasaperson.What’sdoneisdone.Butyougavemeshittyadvicebackthenthatresultedinmenevergraduating,andIwantedyoutoknowthatI’mhereatleastpartlybecauseofthat.I’mnotaskingforspecialfavors,orforyoutobemymentor,nothankstothat.Kidsherearedependingonyou,andyoucan’tgoaroundruininglivesbynothavingyoureyeontheball.”
IgrabbedmylaptopbagandturnedbeforeIopenedthedoor.“YouareadeanofStudentAffairsnow.Notassistantdean,orassociatedean.Andyou’vehadtenmoreyearsofworkexperiencesinceIlastsawyou.You’releadingbyexampleandthewordstudentsisinyourtitle.I’mbeingaccountableformyactions,andyoushoulddothesame.”
Islammedthedoorclosedbehindme,endingmycommentarywithanexclamationpoint.Ineverwantedtoseeherjudgy,scrunchedfaceagain.Hadsheruinedthelivesofanyoneelse?Mywell-beingdidnotevenseemtoregistertoher,notthen,andnotnow.TenyearsagoIwasmuchmorelost,andsure,Iwasstilllostnow,butonethingI’dlearnedinmydecadeofworkingisthatsomepeoplereallydon’tgivearat’sassaboutothers.Icalledherout,whichyoungerLilywouldhavebeentooscaredtodo.Honestly,itfeltgreat,likeI’djustcheckedsomethingoffmybucketlist,butminewasmoreofalistofgrievancesandgrudges.Thisprobablywasn’twhatMiawasravingaboutwhenshewentonandonaboutmyopportunitiesforsecondchances.
Itookmyfinalscheduletotheregistrarandpaidmytuitioninfull.Ihadnofinancialaid,somybankaccounttookahugehit.Theonebrightsidewasthatmyreturntoschooldidn’tdipintomy401(k).HopefullyIwouldn’tneedtotakeoutanyofthosesavings.
Iputmyselfonthewaitlistforthestatisticsclassandenrolledinthecomputerscienceone,takingthelastavailableslot.ThenIaddedthepopular,groundbreakingclassI’dreadaboutthatonlyCarlthorpeoffered,BuildingaGlobalAudienceandInfluencerCulture,theclassmyparentsthoughtIwasreturningtocampusfortohelpmeadvanceatwork.Withmycoursesapprovedandpaidfor,allIneededtodowasattendmysessions,getdecentgrades,andearnmydiploma.AndthenIcouldgetrightbacktothelifeIleftinNewYorkChapterSeven
Thescorchingraysfromtheafternoonsunsearedthroughmylong-sleevecottonteeasIrandownthecobblestonepath.I’dbroughtclothesforcollegethatweresuitedforfallweather,itbeingearlySeptemberandall,butIhadn’tanticipatedaneighty-five-degreeheatwavethatwouldcausebucketsofsweattodrenchmyforehead,chest,andupper
TheComputerScienceHallwasnewtome,situatednearthesciencebuildings,whichIhadn’tspentmuchtimeinduringmycollegeyears.Thestructurewasmostlymetalandglass,asharpcontrasttotheadjacentsetofivy-cladbrownbrickbuildings,wherethemusicandartclasseswereheld.ThebuildingplannerhadcleverlynamedalltheclassroomsintheCSHallinbinarycode:turnsoutthattwo-symbolsystemshumorisn’tallthatamusingwhenyou’relateforclassandthe0sand1sabovethedoorsaren’tinsequentialnumericalorder.AtleastnotonethatIcouldtell.
Ifoundthelocationintheeastwingofthesecondfloor,Room101011,whichturnedouttobeRoom43.Thisclassroomlookedmorelikealargeconferencehallyou’dfindatsomeofthelargetechcompanies,mixedwithcollegiateheritagefurnishings:thechalkboardsfromlongagohadbeenreplacedwithslickwhiteboardwalls,whichcontrastedsharplywiththedarkbrownwoodtrimthroughouttheauditorium.Theflip-downseatswerethesame,thoughtheyweremodernizedwithpaddedcushions.Andthebestlecturehallupgradeintenyears?FastWi-Fiwithastrongsignal.
Evenafteralltheseyears,themagneticdrawtothebackrowofseatswasstrong,likethegravityofthemoonpullingtheseastowardit.Ifoughtmyurgetofadeawayintotheouterringbyoptingtosittowardthemiddleofthepackofstudents.Maybethatwouldbethekeytobettergradesthisgo-around
AmaninhislatefiftiesjoggeddownthecenteraisleandploppedhisleathersatcheldownnexttothewoodenpodiumembossedwithabrassCarlthorpeinsignia.Thesparse,stringygray-hairedponytailgavehimanappearanceofanagedmusician,buthisoversizeblackteewiththewordsI’MJUSTANOKAYBOOMERsuggestedhewasnottherock-startype.
Heclearedhisthroat.“I’mDr.Stevenson.YoucancallmeDoc,eventhoughIhaveaPhDincomputerscienceandnotmedicine.OryoucansimplycallmeProfessor.”Hewrote“Doc”and“Professor”onthewhiteboardwall,asifthosewouldbehardtorememberandweshouldjotthemdown.Ifoundmyselfleaningforwardandsquintingalittle.WasthisbecauseIwasn’tusedtoreadingsomeone’shandwritingfromsofaraway?OrdidIneednewcontacts?Iforcedmybraintonotgodownthe“maybeit’swhathappenstoolderpeople”rabbitholethoughtspiral.
“WelcometotheFundamentalsofCode.WhatIwanttodohereisteachthebasicsofcomputerscience,butinsuchawaythat’slessacademicandmorepracticalandusableintheoutsideworld.Youmightnotleavehereaprogrammer,butifyoueverfindyourselfinatechnicalrole,oratechnicallyadjacentone,you’llbeabletounderstandandspeakacommonlanguagewithyourproductanddevteams.”Hiseyesshiftedfromhispodiumnotesovertothedoor,whichcreakedopen.“Perfecttiming!Class,pleasesayhellototheunusuallypunctualJacobCho,yourteachingassistant.He’sadoctoralcandidateandhasbeenstudyingwithmefor,what,five,maybesixyears?”
Inearlyspatoutmycoffee.AndIsaynearly,becauseIwasintheprocessofswallowingmyiceddrinkasJacobwalkedthroughtheentryway,anditwentdownthewrongpipeinstead,justasitdidatCaféLaLa.Idrewloadsofattentiontomyselfwithallthecoughing,includingthewide-eyedstareoftheTA.
TheTAwhohadonaredfrayedbaseballcapwithaCarlthorpe“C.”
TheTAJacobCho,alsoknownasJakeChofrommycollegedays.
Ex-boyfriendJakeCho,tobeexact.
Thesameguyfromthemarket,whowasnowstaringatmequizzicallywhileItriedtocontrolmyincessanthacking.Itwasimpossibletonotnoticethathehadtransformedfromscrawnytobrawnyovertheyears.Andhisunexpectedheadofsalt-and-pepperhairmademysensesspin.Everythingabouthim—thebroadshoulders,boyishsmile,andunrulydarkhairfleckedwithsilver—stirredsomethinginsidemethatIhatedtoadmit.Hiskhakishortsshowedoffhistaut,muscularlegs,anotherunexpecteddiscovery.
JakeChohadgrownintoahotolderguy.
No,no,no.Lily…no.Youcan’tbehotforteacher.
Asparkofrecognitionlituphisfaceasmycoughingsubsided.Icouldstillreadhisexpressions,evenafteralltheseyears.Theraisedbrow.Theslightsmirk.WhatonEarthareyoudoinghere,LilyLee?
Andhecouldreadmine.You’reinacomputersciencePhDprogram?Butyouwerealiberalartsmajor,likeme,JakeCho.It’sJacobnow?
Heshrugged.
Bloodrushedtomyhead,makingmedizzy.Ilookeddownatmyspiralnotebookandfocusedonthehorizontalcollege-ruledlines.
Theprofessorcontinuedchatteringawayabouttheexpectationsfortheclasswhilemyheartresumedbeatingaftertemporarilyseizing.
AconfirmedJakeChosightingafternearlyadecade.Didhestillhaveamillionhobbiesandsidehustles—orhadhechangedovertheyearstobelessscatteredandmorefocused?Ihaddreadedthisday,whenIwouldrunintomyex.I’dhadtenyearstothinkitthrough:ifIsawhim—maybeatanairport,onasubway,oronthestreet—Imadeapromisetomyselftoavoidhim.NeveroncehadIeverplayedoutascenarioinwhichIwouldbebackincollegeasanundergraduatestudentinmythirtiesandhaveJakeasmyTA.
Hecametomeinmydreamssometimes.Usuallyinnightmareform,likerunningintohimatawedding,oratareunion,oronce,ataWeightWatchersstudiothatIwasleavingwhilehewaswalkingintotheboxinggymnextdoor.Butevenwiththeoccasionalgooddream,whenmyunconsciousimaginingswerehappy,orromantic,orevenhot-damnsteamy,italwaysendedthesameway.WithJaketurningawayandleavingme.CuesadK-dramaballadmusicsequence.
Physicallyspeaking,andtomyabsolutedismay,he’dchangedforthebetter.Whiletheprofessorcontinuedwithhislecture,Icouldn’thelpbutstealquicklooksatJake.Damn,thatthick,wavyhair.Cursehislean,broad,andtallbody,andthatboyishfacewithfulllipsaccentedwithtwosharppeaks…andthosecrinkly,flirtyeyeswithcreasesunderneaththatmadehimlookexpressiveratherthanexhausted.
Istaredhardatmyshoeswhiletheprofessorspoke.Ican’ttakethisclass.It’sJAKE,forGod’ssake.Musttalktotheregistrartobegmywayintothestatsclass,stat.
“…Ourgoalistoteachstudentshowtothinkalgorithmicallyandsolvereal-worldproblemsefficiently.LanguagesincludedinthecourseworkwillbeC,Python,SQL,andJavaScript,plusCSSandHTML,butnotallofthemwillbeonyourmidtermsorfinals.Tomakethingsinteresting,thosewhoranktopoftheclassafterkeyprojectsareturnedinwillbeeligibleforhighlycovetedsummer-internshipopportunitiesatSolvTechnologies,oneofthecompaniesIadvise.They’relookingforpeoplewhomajorinsocialsciencesbutareprogrammablyinclined.Jacob,whydon’tyouintroduceyourselfandtellthemmoreaboutSolv.”
Ididn’tthink“programmably”wasawordbutitwasn’tahillIwaswillingtodieon.
Jake/Jacobputonaseriousfaceasheaddressedtheclass.“I’mJacob,aCarlthorpealum.RecruitersfromSolvwillbeoncampusthissemestertofindtoptalent,soaslongasyouturninhomeworkontime,studyforexams,andearnatopspotintheclass,thiscouldturnintoalucrativecareeropportunity.”Theentireclassooohedandahhed,meincluded.Solvwasoneofthosereputabletechcompaniesthatofferedcateredlunches,hadteamoff-sitesatskiresorts,andlivedandbreatheddiversityandinclusion.TheyhadbeenatthetopofFortune’s100BestCompaniestoWorkForlist,forthreeyearsstraight.Thewordonthestreetwasthateachjobopeningtherehadathousandormoreapplicants.Whatadreamitwouldbetoevengetaninvitationtointerviewthere.
Pssst,Lily,he’stalkingtothesetwenty-something-year-olds,notyou.YOUhaveacareerthatyou’retryingtogetbackto,remember?It’stoolateforsomeonelikeyoutostartoverlikethis.Plus,you’regoingtostatisticsanyway.
Right.Ineededtogetasfarawayfromthisclassaspossible.Specifically,awayfrommyex,Jake.AndJacobCho,hishottergradstudentpersona.
Oneofthegirlsinfrontofmeleanedtoherleft,whisperingloudlytoherfriends,“IhopeJacobhasofficehours,Ineedtopayhimavisit.”
Herfriendlaughedandelbowedher.“IfI’dknownCSgradstudentslookedlikehim,I’dhavestartedtakingtheseclassesfirstsemesterfirstyear.He’salittlebroodytoo.Myfavorite.”
Islunkdowninmychair,avoidinganyeyecontactwiththeprofessororwithJacob.Myplanwastogetthroughthisclassperiod,andthengototheregistrarimmediatelyafterwardtogettransferredintostats.Orcalc.Evenquantummechanicsandnuclearphysics.Honestly,anyclassbutthisone.Relivingcollegewasbadenough,butwhatinthefreshhellkindofnightmarewasIlivinginnow?Mycollegeexwasinapositionwherehecouldfailmeoutofschoolagainifhewantedto.ThiswassomethingsomeoneatNetflixcouldadaptintoaneight-episodehorrorminiseries.
Theprofessorchirped,“Andthismarkstheendofthefirstlecture.Sonowlet’sgettotheheartofwhatprogrammingis,shallwe?Jacob,wouldyoupleasetakethesetwoboxesofchocolateandhandthemtoacoupleofpeopleintheroom?”
Jakeputhisbackpackdownnexttotheprofessorandtookthecandyfromhishands.Heproceededtowalkdownmyaisle.Towardme.Witheachstephetook,myheartratejackeduphigherandhigher,likeIhadjuststartedanintensecardio-heavyworkoutontoohardofalevel.
HehandedacandyboxtooneoftheJacob-obsessedgroupiesinfrontofme.Theirentiresquadsquealedindelight.Jakecontinueddowntheaisle,passingmyrow,andIdidn’tbothertoturnaroundtoseewhoelsereceivedthechocolates.Didn’tmatter…I’dalreadysetmymindontransferringout.
Theprofessorsaid,“Okay,let’sbegin.Mr.Cho,staywhereyouare.”Smilingattheaudience,heexplainedtheexercisetotheclass.“PleasegiveJacobasetofverbalinstructionsthatwillhavehimgotoeitheroneofthecandystations,taketheboxbackintohishands,andreturnittome.Ifyoucandothat,orcontributesignificantlytothisexercise,youwillnotonlygetthecandy,butyou’llgetanautomaticAonthefirstassignment.”
Myclassmatesshoutedoutawiderangeofinstructions,whichJacobtookliterally.“Moveforward”madeJacobwalkallthewaydowntheaisleandoutthedoor.“Turnright!”causedJacobtospinincirclesclockwise.OurdirectionsbecamemorenitpickinglyspecificasJacobtwisted,turned,andranallovertheroom.Eventually,theclassofferedinstructionsthatresultedinJacobmovinginteenytinyincrementstoeventuallyworkhiswaytothefangirlonerowaheadofme.
Mychesttightenedashedrewcloserandcloser.Ididn’twanthimtogetherchocolates.
Wasthisridiculous?Yes.
Petty?Absolutely.
Butsomethinginsidemekickedintogear.Adrenaline?Grit?Maybejustgoodold-fashionedjealousy?Goodgrief,whateveritwas,itmademewanttowinthisthing.
Iglancedovermyshoulderandsawabrawnydudeneartheaisleholdingtheotherboxofcandy.OnlyoneortwocommandswereneededtogetJakeovertothegirl,butI’dneverbeenknowntotaketheeasywayout.
Clearingmythroat,Iprojectedmyvoiceandgavemyinstructions.“Turnonehundredeightydegreestotherightandstop.Walktwenty-fivepacesforwardandstop.Turnninetydegreestotheleft.Walkthreepacesaheadandstop.”IknewJake’sshoesizefromcollege.Andhisunderwearsize,butthatwasn’tneededforthisexercise.
Jacobwalkedawayfromhisfangirland,withmycommands,endeduprightnexttotheguywhoheldtheotherboxofchocolates.Icouldn’thelpbutgrinatmytinynerdyachievement.
Soon,othersintheclassofferedinstructionstohaveJacobpickupthecandyanddelivertheboxofsweetsstraightdowntheaisletotheprofessor.
DocnoddedashereceivedthecandiesfromhisTA.“Welldone.Thiswasbyfarthebestattemptinallmyyearsofteachingthisexerciseabouthowcomputerstakethingsliterally.”Hemovedhisheadrightandleft,scanningthelecturehall.“TheyounggentlemanintheRedSoxshirt,pleasestand.”Itwastheguywhogavetheinstructionsaftermine,theonesthatmadeJacobreachoutandtakethecandybox.“Theyoungwomanintheblack-and-whitestripes?”Shewastheonewho“programmed”myextowalkdowntheaisleandstopnexttotheprofessor.“Andthewomandressedintheblacklong-sleevetee,withjustpastshoulder-lengthblackhair.”
Me.Thatwasme.Andhedidn’tcallmeyoung.Damnit.
Istoodslowly.
“Attention,students,thesethreewillbetheonesreceivingthefirstAsthisweek.Asforeveryoneelse,you’llhavetoearnyourfirstassignmentgradestheold-fashionedway.”
IavoidedlookingatJake’sface.IknewthemomentIgazedintohiseyes,mylifewouldchangeinaninstant.KindoflikewhatwouldhappentopeoplewhentheysawMedusa.OneofmyworstfearscouldcometruethatassoonasIlaidmyeyesonJake,myheartwouldmeltandIwouldfallforhimalloveragain.
Themomentclassended,myglancesweptovertomyex.Isawwithcleareyeswhathe’dbecome:abrainy,attractivemanwhohadsuccessfullyreinventedhimself.DidImentionattractive?ItwaslikeIhadgoogled“Howdoyoufilloutashirt?”andallthesehot3DrenderingsofJakeappeared.Nowonderthosefemalestudentsinfrontofmehadgonegagaoverhim.Hewashot.
TheJakeIknewbackthenwasdirectionless.Cute,butgangly.Tall,lean,andwiry.
ThiswasJacob2.0.Stilltall,butnowhehadanathletic,trimbody,andhewaslookingrightatme.
Holyhammercurls.
Lily,undernocircumstancesareyouallowedtofallforJacobCho.Stopit
Docwavedtostudentsastheyexited.“Seeyouatthenextclass!”Heturnedaroundandwiped“Doc”and“Professor”fromthewhiteboard.“We’vegotagoodgroupthisyear,don’tyouthink,Jacob?Thatexercisewentreallywellforthisgroupinparticular,thanksforcomingupwithit.”
Jakelookedinmydirectionandsaidtohisadvisor,“I’mcurioustoseehowthisclassgoes.”
Didheabsolutely,positivelyrecognizeme?Hehadto,right?Atmylasthighschoolreunion,everyoneprettymuchlookedthesameaftertenyears.Sure,IcouldmaybeusesomeHIITclassesorafewthousandburpeestobringmeclosertohowIlookedbackthen,buteveryonefromhighschoolknewitwasme.Butthenagain,IwasonlyoneoffourotherAsiansinmyclass,andIwastheshortestone,somaybethatwaspartlywhy.
ButdidIwanthimtorecognizeme?No,IdefinitelydidnotwanttowalkdownmemorylanewithJakeafterclass.ItwashumiliatingenoughtohavetocomebacktoCarlthorpetocompletemybachelor’sdegree.AndtohaveJakebemyTA,havingthatleverageoverme?JakeCho?He’dseenmenaked,forGod’ssake.
NO.THANK.YOU.MycheeksburnedasIgrabbedmyTUMIbagandranoutthebackdoor.
Overattheregistrar,thelinemovedasquicklyasanythingelsewiththesamelevelofdemocratized,bureaucraticinefficiency.TheDMV.Postoffice.Thenon–TSAPreChecklineattheairport.Onebyone,studentsaheadofmereachedthefrontofthelineandtalkedtoadministratorsbehindthePlexiglaswindows.Whenitwasclosetomyturn,myphonebuzzedwithanemailnotification.
Amessagefrommyeditor.Subjectline:CheckingIn.How’sthebookcomingalong?—K.
Ohno.
MystomachlurchedasIsnoozedtheemail.Icoulddealwithitlaterintheevening.WhatwasIsupposedtosaytoher?
DearKatherine,
Ioweyoualongerupdate,whichwillcomeatalaterdate,butI’mthinkingwemightneedtoswitchthetitlefromHOWTOLANDYOURDREAMJOBtoHOWTOLANDYOURDREAMJOBBUTTHENFINDOUTYOUDIDN’TPASSBACKGROUNDCHECKANDNEEDTOGOBACKTOCOLLEGETOFINISHYOURDEGREE,PLEASESENDDOUGHNUTS.
Ifyoulikethesoundofit,IcansendyoumycompletemanuscriptafterIgraduate(ifIgraduate,forrealthistime)inafewmonths.
Sincerely,
LilytheLoser
“NEXT!”Theclosestwindowbecameavailableandthewomanbehindtheglasswildlyflappedbotharms,withtheintensityofsomeonewavingdownaplaneforanislandrescue.HergesticulationendedassoonasImadeeyecontactandapproached.
“Iwantedtocheckmywaitliststatus…I’dliketodropCSandaddstats,ifthat’sanoptionnow.”IleftoutthefunfactthattheTAwasmyex.
ShenoddedeagerlyandtypedonherkeyboardasIgavehermystudentIDinfo.“I’mafraidyou’restillonthewaitlistforthestatisticscourse.”Click,click,click.“Therearen’tanyotherclasseswithopenspotsthatmeetyourdegreerequirement.Statsisyourbestbetbecauseyou’renumbertwoonthelist.Myadvicetoyouistoattendtheclassesyouwantandwaititout.Weusuallyhaveafewstudentswhodon’tshowupatallforclassanddropcoursesrightbeforemidterms.Spotswillopenup,it’sjustaquestionofwhenandhowmany.”
Iknewwhatshesaidlogicallymadesense.Infact,Irememberdroppingaclassortwomyselfthroughoutcollegeunderthesamecircumstances.ThemainissuewasthatIdidn’twanttoattendanotherclassifIwasn’tguaranteedaspot,butIknewthatitwasn’tsomethinginhercontrol.
Sheofferedasympatheticsmile.“Markthedateinyourcalendar,sixweeksfromtoday.That’sthelastdayclassregistrationcanbechangedwithoutpenalty.Goodlucktoyou.”
IthankedherforhertimeandsighedasIleftthebuilding.
Sixweeks.
Thecobblestonewalkwayleadingtothemaincampusgatewaslinedwithfoldingtablesandchairs.Studentscrowdedthepath,soitwaspracticallyimpossibletocutthrough.AsIsqueezedby,Ihadtimetoreadthetabletopsignsandposterboardsignsondisplay.
COMEJOINTHEDEBATETEAM!
QUEENSGAMBITIRL!FIRSTCHESSCLUBMEETINGTHISTHURSDAY!
THECARLTHORPECOURIERNEEDSYOU!WE’RELOOKINGFORSPORTS,ENTERTAINMENT/LIFESTYLE,ANDCAMPUSLIFEREPORTERS!
AsnortescapedmynosewhenIpassedbytheAsianStudentAssociationtable.Ididn’tmeantolaugh,butitwasjustfunnytomethatmorethanadecadeagoIwassittinginthisexactspot,tryingtorecruitnewmembers.AndthatJakewashelpingmedoit.
K-popblaredfromtheBluetoothspeakersastheclubrecruiterscriedout,“Allarewelcome!Youdon’thavetobeAsian!”
Ataponmyshouldergotmyattention.“Hey!Wouldyoubeinterestedinjoining?Ourfirstmeetingistonight,andwe’llhavepizzaandsnacks.”
Ithoughtaboutmakingaracialprofilingjoke,butIheldmytongue.“Nothankyou.”ThoughIwascuriousabouthowtheorganizationhadevolvedsinceIleftschool,Iwasnotinthemoodtocrashtheclubtofindout.
Oneoftheguysapproached.“Wehaveafashionshowinthewinter.Weneedmodelsforthat.”
Thatcommentactuallymademeburstintoafitoflaughter.Thefashionshowwasnotsomethingwehadbackintheday.AndIwasn’tqualifiedtomodelanythingotherthanpajamasandsweatpants.
“I’msorry,Icouldhaveswornyousaidyouwantedmetomodel.”
Hegrinned.“Idid.MynameisEthan.Andyouare?”
Werewereallydoingthis?“I’m—”Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthisbefore.DidIusemyrealnameincollege?Peoplecouldeasilygooglemeanddiscovermybackstory.Toorisky.“Lil.”
Worst.Spontaneous.Name.Ever.
“Lil?”
“Yeah,it’smyrappername,”Ijoked.
“LikeLilNasX?Lil’Kim?Ilikeit.”Well,helaughedatleast.
Itoccurredtomethat“Lil”pairedwithmylastname,Lee,wouldendupwith“LilLee”—pronounced…Lily.
Boy,wasIanidiot.
EthanpitchedmeontheAsianStudentAssociation,theveryorganizationinwhichIwasVPofcommunicationsoveradecadeago.Backthen,wedidn’thaveenoughofanAsianpopulationtoformsubgroups,suchasKorean,Chinese,Japanese,andFilipinoorganizations,likeotherbiguniversitieshad.Ihadhopedbynowthatthoseindividualgroupswouldhavecometofruition.
Ilookeddowntherowoftablesanddidn’tseeaKoreanStudentAssociation.“SoistheAsianStudentAssociationtheonlyAsiangroupatCarlthorpe?”
Heshrugged.“Sortof?There’sanofficialChineseCultureAppreciationgroup.WehaveunofficialclubsliketheKoreanPopCultureStanClub,whichIhelpedcocreate,andtheTaiwaneseFoodieClub,whichIalsofounded—I’mhalfKorean,halfTaiwanese.Thesesmallerclubsdon’thavethenumbersyettosecureorganizationalfunding.We’vebeenpushinghardtogetthatchangedthelastfewyears.I’mafourth-yearstudentnow.”Ethansmiled.“Areyouaseniortoo?Ihaven’tseenyouaroundbefore.”
Andthefirstoftheawkwardconversationsaboutmyundergradstatushadarrived:DidIcomecleanwithmyrealsituation,orplayalongthatIwasindeedasenior,withoutrevealingmore?Onthemosttechnicallevel,Iwasafourteenth-yearstudent.Omissionwasn’tnecessarilylying,especiallyifitwasforsomethingminorandnonharmfulliketakingclassesoncampustocompleteadegree,right?
“Itooktimeoff.It’smylastyearhere,hopingtograduatethissemester.”Allofthiswastrue.
Hegrinned.Ethanwasreallycuteforayoungtwenty-something-year-old.Hewasattheagewheremostguyswereinpeakform.Thickblackhair,leanbutmuscularphysique,chiseledjaw,andboldfashionchoices.Heworeafittedteetorevealhisdedicationtothecampusgym.IfIwasincollege,Iwouldbestarry-eyedsmitten.Well,Iwasincollege,butyouknow,notlike—
“Wait,aren’tyouinthatCSclasswithDoc?Ithoughtyoulookedfamiliar.”
Ohwow,thathadcomerightbacktohauntmelikeamurderousmacheteboomerang.“Yeah,but…I’mtryingtotransferintostatsinstead.CSisn’tforme.”Morespecifically,awkwardencounterswithJakeChoweren’tforme.
Hisrighteyebrowshotup.“Wait,why?Yougotthatfreepassalreadyforyourfirstassignment.Iwasactuallywonderingifyouwantedtobemygrouppartner.Well,oneofmygrouppartners.Ihavesomefriendsinthatclassandwe’dlovetohaveyoujoin.Please?”
Imean,howcouldIsaynotothiscollege-agedDanielDaeKimclone?“I’llthinkaboutit,Ijustcamefromtheregistrar,thestatsclassisfullanyway.”
“Well,ifyou’djoinus,Ibetyou’dwanttostay.WehavestudysessionsintheCommons.GivemeyournumberandI’llmakesureyouhavethemeet-upinfo.”
Ididn’tremembermakingfriends—orgroupmates—soeasilythefirsttimearound.Nonbeginner’sluck,Iguess.
“Andwhileyou’rehere,yousureyoudon’twanttojoinASA?Wehaveourfirstmeetingsoon,”headdedwithasmirk.
Iblurtedthewords,“Maybeanothertime,”eventhoughOHHELLNO!wasscreaminginmyhead.
Myphonebuzzedwithatext.Hi.It’sEthan.I’mstandingrighthereheyyyoooooo
Itriedtoswallowalaughbutitcameoutanyway.Hehadaneasygoing,goofysenseofhumor.
Ethansmirked.“That’sme.Oh,takeaT-shirt.Icantellbyyourfacethatyou’releaningtowardno,butthatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tstillenjoyfreestuff.”HehandedmeanXLmen’stee.
Iheldtheshirtbytheshouldersandshookoutthefabric.Agaspescapedme.
“What’swrong?”
Ishookmyhead.“It’snothing.It’sjustthatthisteeissosoftandthelogois,um,neat.”Neat?Didcollegekidsevensaythat?Icertainlydidn’t,unlessIwasatabarandorderingawhiskeyforMia,whichwaswhyitwassobizarreitcameoutofmymouth.
TheASAlogofeaturedprominentlyontheshirtwasovertenyearsold.Iknew,becauseIdesignedit.
Ethanexaminedthetee.“Yeah.Thecolorlogoisnicetoo.Afewguystriedtoredesignit,buttheoriginallookedbetter.It’ssimplebutstillstylized.Aclassic.”
Heheldouthishand.Unsureofhowtohandlethisinteraction,Iextendedmyhandandtimidlyshookhis.Ethanexplained,“That’sourhandshakeagreementthatyou’llbeourgroupmemberinCS,atleastuntilyouofficiallyabandonusforstats.You’llroundoutourgrouptofourpeople.It’sagoodnumber.Andagoodgroup.”
Ididn’tseeanyharminthat.“Soundsneat.Seeyouaround.”MyshouldersscrunchedtomyearsasIwalkedaway.Neat?Again,Lily?
CouldIsurvivebeinginJake’sCSclass?NottakingcomputerscienceinundergradwasalwayssomethingIregretted,mainlybecausethereweresomanyjobopportunitiesforgraduateswithCSbackgrounds.Wasitpossibletotakethecourseandtrytocompartmentalizeit,separatingtheclassfrommyex?Maybethiscouldbeagoodlearningexperience.Andapersonalgrowthexperience.SowhatifJakewasthere?Ididn’thavetotalktohim—backincollege,InevertalkedtomyTAs.Ineverwenttoofficehours.AndIstillmadeokaygrades…well,untilsenioryear.CouldEthanandhisfriendseasemydiscomfortinawaythatbeingalonepersoncouldn’t?SowhatifJakewaslikelyoneofthosenurturing,helpful,encouragingteachingtypesandIwasmissingoutonmyeducationbynotengagingwithhim?AllIneededwasapassinggrade.
Itwasnicetobeaskedtobepartofagroup.Throughoutmyentirelife,beingaskedtojoinagrouporteamwasalwaysflatteringinsomeway.Someonewantedtobeinmycompany,or,likeinthiscase,wantedmeformybrains.ButmaybethiswaswhatIwasmissingoutonthelasttimeIwasasenior.
ItextedEthan:When’sthefirstgroupmeeting?
Nextweekafterclass.
Welcomeaboard!
Withaslowsmilespreadingacrossmyface,Iheadedbacktotheapartment.ChapterEight
FourteenYearsAgo
MorethananyoneIknew,Miawasmotivatedbyfood.Specifically,freefood,offeredatorganizationandclubmeetingsaroundcampus.Inonenight,wehadstoppedbythePre-LawGroup,AnimeSociety,ChristianFellowship,andIrishDanceTroupe—chatting,mingling,grazing—andthenlefttheseget-togetherswithourTupperwarecontainersandgallon-sizeZiplocbagsfilledwithenoughsnacksandpizzaslicestolastafullweek,maybeeventwo.Andthatwasthepoint:tosupplementourmealssowedidn’tneedtopayextrafoodexpensesoutsideofthediningplan.
Shelookedathernotesonherphone.“Onemoretogo.Thisway.”Miaadjustedtheshoulderstrapsonheroverstuffedbackpackandnoddedtowardthewalkway,signalingmetofollowher.
Mymessengerbagweigheddownmyrightshoulder.Iswitcheditovertotheleftone.“Don’tyouthinkwehaveenough?Thistwo-literyoutookfromtheLSATstudybreaksessionistakingupsomuchspace.AndthedoctorattheStudentHealthClinicsaysformetolayoffsodaoranythingacidic;hethinksthatcanhelpcalmsomeofmystomachpain.”
Shestoppedandlookedatme.“Theystilldon’tknowwhatitis?”
IwavedmyhandlikeIwasshooingafly.“Thedoctorbasicallysaiditcouldbeanulcer.OrGIdistressfromstress.”
Sheasked,“Isthatserious?Ulcerssoundprettybad.”
“Hesaidtopopantacidsifithappensagain,andtolayoffcoffeeandalcohol.Thatsoundsshitty,butmanageable.Oh,andhetoldmetostopdrinkingmytwoCokesaday.”Ipulledoutthebottleandhelditinmyarmslikeatwo-liternewborn.“Imissmybaby.”
Miabitherlip.“Okaythen,I’llcarryit.”
“Really?”
Shenodded.“UnlessyouhaveurgentplanstodropMentosinaperfectlygoodbottleofsodatomakeitexplodeinallyoursparetime?Yes,giveittome.I’llholdit,soyouwon’tbetemptedtodrinkany.WecanuseyourbagfortheASAsnacks.They’rethebestonesanyway.IheardtheygettheirchipsandcandyfromlegitAsianmarkets.OneoftheparentsdrivestheminonceamonthfromNewJersey.”
Itwastrue,theAsianStudentAssociationhadthebestsnacks.Shrimpchipsandsoysaucericecrackersweremyfavorites.Theskiteammetonlyonceamonth,buttheyhadthenextbest,withtheirhigh-endbakedgoodsandheated,snackablehorsd’oeuvres.
Shepointedtoherright.“PeabodyHall.We’rehere.Andwe’realittleearly.”
MiatookoffherjacketandcoveredthebottleofCoke,whichshecradledinherleftarm.“Let’sbequickwiththisone…sneakinandoutsowecangetbacksoon.Ineedtoturninsomeclassworktonight.”
Finewithme.ItwasalwaysMiawhowastheonelingeringlongerthanweneededto:maybedeepdownshewantedtobeamemberofalloftheseclubsbutdidn’thavethetimetocommitorthemembershipduestojoin.
Becausewehadarrivedbeforethemeetingbegan,wewereobligatedtochatwithotherstudentsandthenominatedboardmembers.MiaandIeyedthetableinthebackwheretheywerejustsettinguprefreshments.
“Hi,Mia.Lily.Gladyoucouldjoinustoday!We’rekickingoffthecultureshowplanning.Wouldloveforyoutoparticipatethisyear.”EmilyChin,theASApresident,wasayearaboveusbutlookedandactedtenyearsolder.OrmaybeMiaandIactedtenyearsyounger,thewaywesmuggledsnacksliketwoelementaryschoolpranksters.
AhandreachedoverminetograbtheunopenedcuttlefishchipsatthesametimeItouchedthebag.Webothtugged.Neitherpartywouldletgo.Cuttlefishchipsweretheultimateprizesnack,andtherewasonlyonepackage.Thatmeantonewinnerofthistug-of-war.
Irespondedtothestareofmyopponentwithaglower.“Shouldwedorockpaperscissorsthen?”
Helaughed.“CanIdeclareathumbwarinstead?”
Ipursedmylipstosuppressasmile.“Ipreferadance-off.”
Thoughwewerejokingaround,neitherofuswerelooseningourgrip.Thisstandoffmightlastallnight.
Miacamebywitharollofkimbapandfriedmanduonapapernapkininonehand.Thetwo-literwasstillinthecrookofherleftarm.“Wantsome?”sheaskedme.
Ishookmyheadno.OtherASAmemberswerestoppingbythesnacktable,openingbagsofchipsandcrackersandpouringsmallportionsontheirplates.
“Wecouldshare,”hesaid.“Ifyouletgo,Ipromisetopouronlyafewonmyplate.Youcanhavetherest.”
ImadeeyecontactwithMia.Sheshrugged.Apparentlyshewasn’tasdeadsetongettingthesesnacksintomymessengerbagaswe’doriginallyplanned.She’dgottensidetrackedbythepreparedfood.Understandable.Butcuttlefishchipsweremyfavorite,andIhadn’thadtheminafewmonths.
“I’mJakeChobytheway.OriginallyfromDallas,butgrewupinNewHaven.Afirst-yearstudent.”Thewayhewasspeakingtomeremindedmeofhowpeopletrytotalktoserialkillerstohumanizethemselvessotheydon’tbecomethenextmurdervictim.
Iansweredsoftly.“I’mLilyLee.I’mafirst-yeartoo.”
Itworked.Maybeitwashiscalmwords.Orhislopsidedsmile,whichpairedreallywellwithhisboyishface.IeasedmygripandJakepulled,orratheryanked,thebagfrommyhand.Afterquicklytearingopenthepackage,hepouredahandfulofchipsintoapaperbowl.
“LilyLee,therestareyours.Aspromised.”Hegrinnedandhandedmethebagofapproximatelyfiveremainingservings.“I’mamanofmyword.”
Ihappilyatemychipsstraightfromthebagasthemeetingcametoorder.“Shouldweleavenow?”IaskedMia.
Shewaddeduphernapkinandopenedthebottleofroom-tempCoke.Asitexpelledalong,menacinghiss,Iwincedandhidbehindher.
“Wantasmallsip?Areyouallowed?”
“Nah.”Westayedthroughthemeetingandafteritended,sheandIlookedatthesign-upformforthecultureshow.Weweren’tinvolvedinmanycampuslifeactivities—weweretoobusyfloatingbynumerousorganizationsandclubsinourlimitedsparetime,butfordietaryandculinaryreasonsonly.WhenIsawthelistofvolunteersandnoticedJakeCho’snameonit,somethinginsidemechanged.Apull.Atug.Thenagentleeasingofthetightgriparoundmyheart.Ipulledoutapenandaddedmynameandemailaddresstotheform.
Miaskimmedthesign-upsheetandsmiledatme.“Ah.Igotcha.Youcanaddmetooifyouwant.”ChapterNine
Stupidkey.
Stupidlock.
Afterthirtysecondsofjiggling,wiggling,andprofanity-shouting,thedoorflungopen.
“ROOMIE!How’veyoubeen?Theweatherissonicetoday!”
“Hey.Sorryforallmyracket.Hadtroublewiththekeyagain.”ImovedpastBethandploppeddownonthecouch.
“Twothings,Roomie.One,we’rebackpacktwins!Ican’tbelievewehavethesameone!Letmeguess,Amazon’stopchoiceforback-to-school?GrayJanSportforthewin!Aschoolclassic,likegoodold-fashionedCoca-Cola,amIright?”
WhenIdidn’treplyandgotupfromthecouch,shefollowedmeallthewaytomyroom.“Secondthing,yourfriendishere.Mia,theAwkwafinalook-alike.AndI’mnotsayingthatbecauseIdon’tknowwhatI’mtalkingabout,shedead-onlookslikemygirlNora.”
Itwastrue,MiawasmistakenforAwkwafinaallthetime.Shelovedit,orhatedit,dependingonhermood.
“Mia’shere?”IpulledoutthefreeASAT-shirtfrommybackpackandhandedittoBeth.“Here,youcanhavethis.”
Sheunrolledtheteeandthenhuggedittoherbody.“Iappreciateyourgenerosity.Thankyou.”
Whatshedidn’tknowyetwasthatIhadanearlyidenticalshirtthatIsleptin,albeitrattierandwornintheringedcollar,leftoverfrommycollegedays.Itwasoneofmyfewmementosfromthatera.MyheartswelledwithprideknowingthatmyT-shirtdesignhadlastedsomanyyearsandthelogowasstillusedbytheorganization.
Bethasked,“Doyouthinkhavingthesamebackpackislikeapersonalitytest?Becauseitcombinesalotofthings,likecoloraffinity,pricesensitivity,andotherattributes.Personally,Ithinkifanything,itmeanswe’realotalikeandmeanttobeBFFs.”
Ishrugged.“OritcouldsimplymeanthatAmazonservedusthesameadthatwebothclickedon,right?”
Shetiltedherhead.“ButthatalsowouldmeanthatwehadasimilarprofilefortheAmazonalgorithmstosay,‘Aha!Thesepeoplearelikelytoclickonthisbecausewehaveashittonofdataonthemandtheybasicallyhavethesametastes.’”
Bethhadapoint.Damn,shewasrightabouthowalgorithmswork.Iboughtmybackpackafewweeksago,soweweren’tevensharingthesameIPaddress,thereforeIcouldn’texplainitwiththat.Bethwassmartandinsightfulforsuchayoungperson.Whoknew,shecouldpossiblybemywhitesoulsisterbackpacktwin.AshivertraveleddownmyspineasIliterallyshudderedatthenotionthatboisterousBethwasmorelikemethanIhadthought.SheveeredawaytothebathroomasIturnedthedoorknobtomyroom.Miasatcross-leggedonmybed,drinkingaWhiteClaw.“Howwasschool,dear?Didyoumakeanynewfriends?”
Igroaned.“Youwouldn’tbelievemeifItoldyou.Ineedthatdrink.”
Shehandedittome.“YouhateWhiteClaw.Thatbad,eh?NowI’mcurious.”
“IsawJake.”Itookaswigandburped,rememberingwhyIhatedtheClaw.
Herjawhungopen.“What?How?Didyoukickhimwhereitcounts?Didhenotfinishhisdegreeeither?”
Icoughedonmynextsip.“No,Itookthehighroadanddidn’tpunchhiminthenuts.Notfinishingcollegeisuniquelymyfailure.Butyeah,Isawhim,andsomehowrestrainedmyselffromballkicking.”
“So…what’shelooklikenow?Hotornot?Swipeleftorright?”
Mymemoriesflashedfromearlierthatday.Hishandsomeface.Muscularchest.Sardonicsmile.ThathairIbadlywantedtotanglemyfingersin,andthoserippedarmspushingagainstthefabricofhisT-shirt.
“Yourscrunchedfacesuggestshe’seithersuperattractiveortheexactopposite.I’mguessing…hot…oryouwouldbeinamuchbettermood.Didyoucatchupwithhim?Whyisheoncampus?”
“He’smyTA,”Isqueaked.
Sheyelped.“ForyourTikTokclass?”
Irolledmyeyes.“It’scalledBuildingaGlobalAudienceandInfluencerCulture,thankyouverymuch,andItoldmymomI’dtakethiscoursetohelpmycareer.ButtheJakeclassisforthenewSTEMrequirementforliberalartsmajors,andifIpass,ithappenstocompletemydegree.He’stheTAforthecomputerscienceclass,andgettingaPhD,ifyoucanbelieveit.Iactuallysawhimatthemarkettheotherdaybutdidn’trealizeitwashim.”
“Holyshit.”Shefellbackintoacushion.“That’salottotakein.”ShegrabbedtheWhiteClawcanfrommeandchugged.“Randomquestion,doeshedresslikeagrown-upnow?Heworesleevelessshirtsandbasketballshortsyear-round.Ican’tpicturehiminkhakis,orwhateverwannabeprofessorswear.”
Alaughburstoutofme.“He’sgoingwithahalfglowup.Hewearsregularadultclothingontop,butstillrockshisshortsonthebottom.”
Shegrinned.“Goodforhim.”
“I’mhopinghe’llignoremeandnotacknowledgethatI’minhisclass.ButImightdropitanyway.Ithinkit’sgoingtobehard.”Isighed.
“TakingaCSclassdoessoundhard,butIknowyou’lldowellinyourcourses.Youknowwhattheysayaboutgraduating,right?Csgetdegrees.Sodon’tstressyourselfout.Iknowhowyoucanget,overworkingandwindingyourselfintoatightballofworry,andyouneedtomakesureyoukeepthingsincheck,peryourtherapist’sorders.”
Shewasright,ofcourse.Accordingtomytherapist,Ineededtotrytofindbalance.Myexternalvalidationmentalmodelaffectedmyself-esteem,whichasoflatewasinaprecariousstatethankstomyincapabilityofmeetingmynextbookdeadlineandbeingsowrongfullyconfidentinmyCarlthorpealumnastatus.Ineededtoworkongettingmylifebackinorder,inasmentallyhealthyawayaspossible.
Miaasked,“SobacktoJake,areyoutwogood?Didyoumakeupafter…youknow?Ihonestlydon’trememberhowyoueventuallyleftthings.”
Howdidweleavethings?Badly.That’show.HequitonmewhenIneededhimthemost,andIcouldneverforgivehimforthat.Ineverreturnedhiscallsoremailswhenhewantedtoapologizelater.MaybeIshouldhaveresponded,becausenowkarmawastrulybeingasupremebitch.Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreath,whichcameoutasanannoyedsigh.
“Sonotgood.”Miareadmelikeabook.
“Notgood,”Iconfirmed.“Let’schangethesubjectandchangelocations.”Westoodandshefollowedmetothelivingroom.
Iasked,“Remindmewhyyou’rehere?Ithoughtyouwerecominghereonlyonweekends.”
“Iwantedtobeyouremotionalsupportanimalyourfirstweek,andImisshavingyouaround.Also,myapartmentisbeingpaintedandIdidn’trealizehowdisruptivethatcouldbe.Therearealltheseplasticsheetseverywhere,likeafucked-upserialkillersetupshop.Andsomethingelse,Iwasjustabouttomessageyou.TheO’HaratwinsaregoingtobeonCNNtonight.”
Miagrabbedtheremotefromthecoffeetable,pressedtheLiveTVbutton,andsetitbackdown.
“Andwhyarewewatchingthis?Totortureme?”ItookthecanfromherhandagainandchuggedtherestoftheWhiteClaw.
“Otherthantohate-watch,weneedtodoresearchonyourcompetitionandfigureouthowthey’repitchingthebooksoyoucanlearnfromit.”
IleanedforwardandpulledafewRufflesfromthenearlyemptybaginMia’slap.Delicious,butwaybetterwithFrenchoniondip,whichI’dpolishedoffearlierintheweek.
“AndwhatifIstilldon’twanttowatch,evenasalearningopportunity?”Iasked.
Shesighed.“Okay,fullconfession,Iwasplanningforthistobe,like,tenpercentlearningexercise,therest…apettybitchsnarksession.Youknow,apick-me-up.”
“Isthisreallywhatwe’vecometo?Eatingchips,drinkingWhiteClaw,andmakingfunoftheO’Haras?”
“Yes!”Miasaidwithzerohesitation.“Especiallyifthey’rebeingfeaturedonTVusingabookconceptthat’snearlyidenticaltoyours,basicallystealingyouridea,sayingyouinspiredthem.Andespeciallyifoneofthecoauthorsisamansplainydudewritingaboutwomenintheworkplace.”
Bethcameoutofherbedroomandsatonthenearbyrockingchair.“IhavetoagreewithMia,iftheyreallystoleyouridea,that’ssavage.”Shesmiledatme.“Sorry,Iwaseavesdropping.I’msogladyou’remyroomie.Iknowyou’reallfamousandall,butI’mrelievedyou’re,like,anormalperson.Andsowhatifyouhavefriendswhovisitusunannounced.”ShelookedoveratMia.“Imeanthatinthebestwaypossible,you’reliketheneighborhoodstraycatwhoshowsupontheporch.Buteveryonefeedsher,becauseweallloveherandcouldusehercompany,becauselet’sfaceit,we’reallalittlebitlonelysometimes.”
Andwiththatbizarreyetprofoundcomment,sheturnedupthevolumeontheremotejustasCameronO’Haraappearedon-screenwiththecaption“CameronO’Hara,coauthorofthetrailblazingYouGo,Girl!book,upnext”runningalongthebottom.
Myphonebuzzedwithanotification.ItwasAmanda,withalate-nightfriendlyreminderaboutmyoverduemanuscript.Shealsoattachedtheoriginalcontract,withhighlightedexcerptsofalltheparagraphsrelatedtothedeliverabledatescutandpastedintheemail,makingitpainfullyclearIhadmissedthedeadline.AsIquicklyskimmedthedocumenttoseeiftherewasanywiggleroomwiththedate,myheartnearlystoppedwhenIcametotheindemnitiessection,whichIhadn’tpaidattentiontobeforebecauseithadn’tbeenaconcern…untilnow.Specifically,thepartthatreadinbold:TheAuthorhasnotmisrepresentedacademicorothercredentialsandwillnotprovideanyfalseormateriallymisleadingdocumentsconcerningthework…
Mystomachdropped.“Ohhhhhhshit-shit-shit-shit-fuck.”
Miagrabbedthephonefrommyhand.Hereyeswidenedwhenshecameacrossthesamesection.“Ohhhhhhshit-shit-shit-shit-fuckisright.Doesyoureditorknowanythingaboutwhat’sgoingonwithyou?”
Ishookmyhead,speechlessfromthisdiscovery.
Shereadtheemail.“Okay,well,itdoesn’tlooklikethisAmandapersonknowsaboutyoursituationandisn’tcallingyououtonthis.Maybenoonehastoknow.Maybeyoucanlaylowandsayyou’reatsomekindofsolowritingretreatandunreachabletotheoutsideworld.Icanupdateyoursocialmediasoitsaysyou’retakingabreakorsomething.”
Myshoulderssagged.Amandawasasticklerfortherules,andifshefoundoutIneveractuallygraduatedfromCarlthorpe,thepublishercouldtakebackmyadvanceandcancelmycontract.ItsaidsoinboldTimesNewRomantwelve-pointfont.Theotherbigproblem,otherthanthesheerembarrassmentofbeingacareeradviceexpertandnothavingaCarlthorpedegreetomyname,wasthatI’dusedmyentireadvancetopayforthesecollegeclasses.Iftheytookthatback,Iwouldgointoseriousdebt,andthatinturnwouldaffectmycreditscore,and…ohGod…
Mialookedmestraightintheeyes.“Look,it’sonlyfourmonths.Youcancomecleanandtellyourpublisherwhat’shappening,buthonestlyIthinkyoucanmanagetonotdrawattentiontoyourselfinthattime,right?Justgetthroughyourclassesandfocusonpassingthem,turninsomepagesandaskforfeedback,andstallabit.Ifyoudon’tgetyourdegree,everythingyou’vebuilttheseyearswillblowupbig-time.Noadvance,nocontract,nocareer.”
Iswallowedhardandnodded.AsaPRprofessional,Miawasanexpertincrisismanagement.Shewasright,thatfocusingonmyschoolworkwouldgetmemydegree,andthenmybackgroundcheckwouldclear.Leaningbackintothecouch,Ibrieflycontemplatedcomingcleantomyeditor.ButthecontractIsignedwascrystalclear,andI’drecentlycommittedablatantviolationbyapprovingmyauthorbioforthepublisher’swebsite.
Itwasonlyfourmonths.ThenIcouldtacklealltheissuesotherthanthecompletionofmycollegedegree.Dealingwithoneproblematatimewasareasonableapproach.MaybeI’dgetluckyandinfourmonthsalltheseproblemswouldgoaway.
BethhandedmeafreshcanofWhiteClaw.“You’llprobablyneedthatmorethanme.”
MiabooedwhentheO’Harascameon-screenfortheinterview.“Theycalledthemtrailblazingintheirintroductions.Trailblazing,myass!”
Aperfectdistractiontomy“damnedifIdo,damnedifIdon’t”dilemma.TheO’Haras.PeoplelikeCameronO’Harawereborntobeonnationalcablenewsshows.Poisedandperfectlygroomed,heansweredtheinterviewer’squestionswithpolishandease,somethingIwishedcamenaturallytome.AndwhenaskedthequestionIhopedwouldstumphim,itdidn’t.“Youwanttoknowwhythisbookisgroundbreaking?Well,forone,yougetaglimpseintotheO’Haramogullife,whichwe’veclosedoffforthesakeofprivacyupuntilnow.WerarelyevenhaveWarrenandMarkovertotalkshop.Oh,that’sWarrenBuffettandMarkZuckerberg,foryourviewers.Theotherwayourbookisrevolutionaryisthatwesharetheperspectiveofwomenviamysister’spointofview,andthenyouhavemine,someonewhocaresdeeplyabouthelpingpeoplelikemysistersucceed.”
Miashoutedatthetelevision.“Gross,youjustadmittedtonepotism,youloser!”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaughatheroutburst.“Canweturnthisoffplease?I’veheardenough,andseeingashowyoupoundedthebagofchipswithbothfistssotherearemerelypotatoparticlesnow,youmayhavehityourdouchebrolimittoday.”
Weallscrambledtofindtheremote,whicheachofussworewewerenotinpossessionof,andmyearsperkedupatCameron’scasualmentioningofmyname.
“LilyLee’sbookreallygotourattention,makingusrealizetherearesomanypeopleMaryandIcanhelp,andwedidn’tknowtherewasamarketforituntilLily’sbookcamealongandsomanypeopleboughtit.Welovedher‘everydaywoman’approachtocontent,withinterviewsandsurveysofwomeninmiddleanduppermanagement,andcutegraphicsoneverypage.Butwewantedtocreatemotivationalbooksforseriouswomeninvestedintakingtheircareerstothenextlevel.Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwithLily’sfunapproach.”Hiswordsmademystomachlurchanddrop.Mybookwasfrothyandfrivolousinhismind,whereashiswasacanonmasterpiece.
Butthenhisnextcommentsslappedmeintheface.“Ourbookincludessectionsaboutprominentthoughtleaders,writtenby,well,thoughtleaders.Youwantacareerguidewrittenbysuccessful,leadingbusinessexperts.That’sthemaindifferencebetweenourbookandothersontheshelves.”
Itwasclearthatbyothers,hemeantmine.
Yes…inthefirstbookofmyseriesIincludedsurveysandinterviewswithhighlightsandsoundbites.Iaddedvoicesotherthanmyowntoofferperspectiveandexperiencesaboutmanagementandleadershipbroaderthanjustmine.Andyes,thereweregraphicsandeye-catchingdesignswithinthepages,whichthepublisherthoughtwoulddrawinalotofnewreaders,andtheywereright.ButwhatCameronhadjustsaidontheeveningnewsinfrontofmillionsofviewerswasessentially“LilyLeeisanobody.Andshewroteabookfornobodies.”
Ishookmyhead.“Thatdirtylittle—”
BethletoutaprimalscreamintooneofherI’M100%SUNSHINE&CAFFEINEcross-stitchedthrowpillows.ThenshelodgedallthecushionsonthecouchatCameron’sface.“I’mneveronetotalktrashaboutaperson,butthatguyisahugebonafidebutthole.Andtrustme,comingfrommethat’ssayingsomething.”
“Bonafidebuttholeisright.”Miamanagedtofindtheremoteunderherassandturnedoffthetelevision.“Well,ifthat’snotmotivationtogetbackoutintheworkworldandwriteyournextbook,Lily,Idon’tknowwhatis.Fuckthatguy.”
Yeah.Fuckthatguy.“You’reright.Ifyou’llexcuseme,Ihaveahomeworksettodotonightandabooktowrite.”
IthoughtJakebeingmyTAwouldbechallengingenough,butevenmoreproblematicwouldbesteppingawayfrompublishingandlettingtheO’Harasbetheloudestcareerexpertvoicesoutthere.
No.Icouldn’tletthathappen.Shuttingmybedroomdoor,IdownloadedtheCStextbookontomycomputerandstartedtherequiredreading.ChapterTen
EachtimeIsteppedfootoncampus,ImarveledathowdifferentitspicturesquescenerywasfromthehustleandbustleofManhattan.Theabundanceofoak,maple,andginkgotreesliningthemainpathwaymadeforanidylliccampussetting.Someofthegreenleaveshaddulled,turningasoftyellow,andtheminglingoforange,red,andbrownwouldsoonfollow.
Izippedupmyjacket.Fallhadofficiallyarrived.
Headingtoclassearlygavemetimetorefamiliarizemyselfwithandappreciatethecampussetting:theinscriptionsinLatinontheCorinthiancolumnsofthelibrary;thebas-reliefcarvingsofAthena,Demeter,andZeusinthecentralfountain;andtheweather-wornpalegreencopperroofsoftheoldestbrickbuildingsthathadmademefallinlovewiththeschoolthefirsttimearound.Seeingthemnowasasupersenior(thesuper-estinallofCarlthorpehistory,probably)filledmewithacomplicatedmixofpride,humility,andshame.Ilikedbeingbackoncampus,butalsohatedit.Asclassesapproachedtheendofthesecondweek,Ihadsettledintotheideathattherewerenearlyfifteenmoreweeksremainingofthistemporarylifediversion,andthenIcouldgobacktothewaythingswere.
Fifteenmoreweeksofmyoverlyexcitableroommate.
Fifteenmoreweeksofhomeworkandstudying.
FifteenmoreweeksofcircumnavigatingJakeCho.
Youcandothis.
IfoundaseatnearEthan,whohadarrivedjustbeforeme.“Isthistaken?”Iasked.
Hesmiled.“It’sallyours.Savingtheseotherones.”Tohisright,hehadhissweatshirtinthenextspotandaflannelbutton-downtwoseatsover.
“Doyounormallydisrobethismuchforthesakeofyourfriends?”Ilookedattheshirtdrapedoverawoodenseatandbacktohisshort-sleevedblacktee.“Aren’tyoucold?”
Helaughed.“Yesandyes.I’mluckyIworeenoughlayerstodaybuttheybettershowupsoonorImightgethypothermia.Andyou’reluckyIhaveonlytwofriendsinthisclassotherthanyou.Itcouldhavegottenugly.There’snotmuchclothingleft.”Ethan’sbrown,sparklingeyescrinkledontheouteredges,givinghimamorematurelook.Butolderin,like,atwenty-six-year-oldway.
Hepulledanextra-largeenergydrinkfromthesidepocketofhisbackpack,alongwithanindividuallywrappedcinnamonroll.“Wantabite?”
Ah,tohavethemetabolismofmyyoungerself.“Nothankyou,appreciatetheoffer.Ijusthadabigbreakfast.”Itwasabowlofovernightoatsplusahandfulofblueberries.Becausethatwaswhatthirty-two-year-oldwomenatewhowerewellpasttheenergydrinkandstore-boughticedpastrydays.
Ifhehadofferedmeatravelcupofcoffee,Iwouldhaveaccepted.Bethdidn’thaveacoffeemachine,andinNewYorkIhadalwaysgottenmycaffeinefixfromthebreakfasttruckstationedoutsidemyapartmentinthemornings.Oscarknewmyorder:icedcoffee,twopumpsofchocolatesyrup,withenough2%milktillitturnedbeige.NeveroncedidOscarjudgemeformycoffee,whichwasessentiallycoffee-flavoredchocolatemilk.HehaditreadyformeeverydayateightthirtyMondaythroughFriday,rainorshine,sleetorsnow.Oscarwasmorereliablethanthemailman.WhenItoldhimIwasmovingawayforafewmonths,hetearedup,wishedmewell,andofferedmeafreeblueberrymuffinasapartinggift.
ItsuddenlyoccurredtomethatOscarwasoneofthefewpeopleI’dspokentocandidlyaboutmydeparture.Ihadn’tevencomecleantomyeditoryet.Ortomyparents.WhyhadIconfidedinthismanIbarelyknew,butnotinthosepeopleclosertome?Whatdidthatsayaboutthem?And…whatdidthatsayaboutme?
Ireachedintomybagandpulledoutmyphone.MissedmessagesfromMia.
Haveyouthoughtaboutdoingcollegeactivities?I’mlookingontheStudentLifewebpageandtheyhavepickleball.YOUMUSTDOPICKLEBALL
NOPICKLEBALL
Broomball?Innertubewaterpolo?
NOandNO
Wellthinkaboutyouroptions.You’vebeengivenasecondchance.We’rehopingyouwon’tgetathirdlol
Sheadded:Giveitagoodol’collegetry.Harhar.OkayI’llshutupnow
Isentheraneyerollemojiandputmyphoneaway.
Outtheclassroomwindow,youcouldseethegrassycentrallawn,wheredozensofcollegekidssatinsmallgroupsonblankets,eating,lounging,andconductingoutdoorseminars,justasstudentshadwhenIwasanundergrad.Itwasastrangefeelingtobebackatcampusnow,seeingfirsthandhowdifferentcollegewasinsomeways,andhowentirelyunchangeditwasinothers.
“Hey.”Thesmoothtenorvoicecomingfromtheaislecausedmetofreeze.Iknewwhoitwaswithoutlookingup.
“OhGod,”Iaccidentallymutteredaloud.
“MissLee,canyoumeetwithmeafterclasstoday,ifyou’refree?”
Chinstilltuckedandlookingdownatmybackpack,Ibobbedmyheadandavoideddirecteyecontact,focusingmoreonsteadyingmybreathingratherthanwatchingJakewhiskhimselfaway.
Inhale.Hold.Longexhale.
Ethanjoked,“Hey,teacher’spet!AfteryoumeetwiththeTA,comebytheCommonssowecangrabanearlylunchwiththerestofthegroup.We’regoingtotalkaboutthefirstgroupassignment.”
IlookeduptoseeJakesprintingtothefrontoftheclassroom.Ashesetupthecomputerandprojectedthefirstslideonthepull-downscreen,Istudiedhispensiveface,hisswiftmovements,hisconfidentstaturewhileheloggedintotheclassportal.Whatdidhewanttotalktomeabout,andwhyhadhesingledmeoutthewayhedid?
Well,Icouldthinkofreasons.LikeaskingmewhyIwasastudentinhisclass.
WhyIhadn’ttriedtocommunicatewithhimafteralltheseyears.
WhyIhadreenteredanddisruptedhisorbitandwhyhe’dcomecrashingintomine.
Youknow,justafewoff-the-cuffthoughtsfloodingmybrain.
Ethanjumpedtohisfeet,abruptlybreakingmyJake-inducedtrance.Hishandshotup,signalingtotwopeoplewhohadjustwalkedthroughthebackdoorstojoinhim.Afterputtinghisflannelshirtbackon,hetookhisbackpackofftheneighboringseat.
Iasked,“Oooh.AmIabouttomeetthepeopleyou’rewillingtostripfor?”
Hechuckled.“Yes!Finally,yougettomeetyourgroupprojectbuds.”Hereachedout,grabbedthehandoftheguywalkingtowardhim,andpulledhisfriendinforahug,likehehadn’tseenhiminages.IpicturedJakeandmedoingthisafterclassandlaughedoutloud.
“Sorry,wasjustthinkingaboutsomethingstupid.”RememberingIhadtostickwiththedumbnameI’dgivenEthan,Iadded,“I’mLil,Ethan’snewfriend.”
“I’mPrinceton.PrincetonLi.”Heshookmyhandandnotedmysurprise.“Myparentsnamedmeaftertheiralmamater.NamingakidafteranIvyLeagueschooltofulfilltheirowndreamsandthengettingwaitlistedthereisn’talltoogreatfortheol’self-esteem,Ihavetoadmit.AndLiisspelledL-I,likeLongIsland.”HesaidthatlastpartwithanexaggeratedNewYorkaccent.
“I’msorry,canweactuallygobacktothePrincetonthing?I’mstillneedingtoprocessthat.That’sonyourbirthcertificateandeverything?”Iasked.
Helaughedatmyreaction.“It’sokay,I’msurprisinglyfinewithitnow.I’vebeengoingbyPJtoo,becausepeoplegetallweirdaboutsayingPrincetonoverandover.Eitherworks.”
“What’sthe‘J’standfor?JohnsHopkins?”Ijoked.
“Jingactually,”hesassedback.“ThankGodit’snotJohnsHopkins…I’llsavethatformyownchildren.”
Ichuckled.“Yourfirstandlastnamesoundslikeafancyadverb.Princetonly.Hehandledhisnumeroussocialengagementsinaprincetonlyfashion.”
Helaughed.PJwassuchagoodsport
“I’mGrace.”ThegirlnexttohimsqueezedmyhandandofferedafirmerhandshakethanPJ’s.
Ethannoted,“They’reinASAwithme.Andwepromisenottokeeptryingtorecruityou,althoughthemoreAsians,themerrier.”
PJgroanedatEthan’scomment,whichmademegrin.
Graceasked,“Areyouatransfer?”
IhadtoyedwiththeideaofactinglikeI’dtransferredtoCarlthorpefromsomewhereelseasaviablecoverstory,butIdidn’twanttoaddanymorecomplexitytomylife,seeingashowIhadtogobyLilnowbecauseIcouldn’tthinkonmyfeet.Howdidpathologicalliarsmakestuffupsowellandstaycommitted?
“It’salongstory,butIusedtogohere,andnowI’mback.”
PJsaid,“Oh,soyoutransferredoutandreturned.”
Notatall.ButIdidn’twanttoexplainmyself.Luckily,Ididn’thaveto,becausewhilewewerechatting,theprofessorhadenteredtheroom.
“Let’sgetsettledsowecanstartontime,class!”Dochuffedashemadehiswaytothepodium.
Ihadtoadmit,thefirstCSclassesaboutmakingcodeeasytounderstandwereinteresting,andIcouldn’twaittolearnmore.Ilovedhowtheprofessorwassuchapassionateteacherandgaveinteresting,real-worldexamples.Timeflewby,anditwasn’tuntilhecheckedhiswatchandsaid,“Oops,I’vegoneover,sorryaboutthat.Classdismissed!”thatIrealizedthehour-longclasshadended.That’showgoodofaprofessorhewas.
Ethanpackedupquickly.“SeeyouattheCommons,we’llbeinthebackcornertableworkingonthisweek’sproblemset.IftheTAgivesyouanytipsorcheats,youhavetotellus,okay?”
Theroomdispersed,andIcheckedhowIlookedinselfie-modeonmyphonebeforerisingtomyfeet.I’dseenbetterdays,butIlookedpresentableatleast.Trudgingtowardthedoor,Ithoughtabouthowtherewasnowaytoavoidmypastwhiletakingclasseshereagain,andIknewithadpotentialtogetmessy.ButJakeChoasmyTA…really?Thiswastheuniversegivingmetwomiddlefingers.OneforJake.OneforCho.
Hewaswaitingformerightoutsidetheauditorium.
Tomysurprise,heofferedawidesmilewhenwemadeeyecontact.Like,thecornersofhismouthpulleduptohissparklingeyes,makingmyheartsqueezealittle.
“MyGod,itreallyisyou,”hebreathed.
“Yeah.”Mycheekssurgedwithheatfrombothangerandembarrassment.
Westoodstill,notknowinghowtophysicallygreeteachother.Ahandshakewouldbeawkwardbetweentwopeoplewhohadseeneachothernaked.Nohug—itwouldbetoofamiliarandintimate.
Andthatleftnothing,sowedidthat.Nothing.Itwasahugerelief.
Hesaid,“Ihavesomanyquestions.WannawalknextdoortotheCommonsandgrabacoffee?”
“Thatseemsfine,”Ianswered.Ourwalkingstridesstartedoutatdifferentpacesbutafterafewsecondshewalkedinsyncwithme.
Jakeheldopenthedoortothecafé.“Inoticedyournamewhentheclassrosterwaspublished,butIneverinamillionyearsthoughtitwouldactuallybeyou.IassumeditwasanotherLilyLee,butthenIsawyouwithmyowneyes.”Hegulped.“So…you’rebackatCarlthorpe?Isthisforanewbookprojectorsomethingforyourseries?”
Wow,he’drevealedsomuchinjustafewsentences.He’dkepttrackofmeandmycareerthiswholetime?
Ipausedbeforepassingthroughtheentryway.Whatwasthepointinchitchattinglikethis?Surelythiswasaspainfulforhimasitwasforme.Whynotbeliketwocoworkerswhoaccidentallyhookedupataholidaypartyandthenhadtoseeeachotheratworkthenextday?Let’snotdothis,Jake.
“It’sareallylongstory.Youmightneedtocancelclassesfortheweektoheartheabridgedversion,”Ireplied.
Hesmiled.“Ihavetime.”Hegothimselfablackcoffeeandaddedapacketofsugar.“Youstilldrinkthatcoffee-flavoredchocolatemilk?”
Hestillremembered?
“Ilikemycoffeethatway.”ItwashowIcopedwithnothavingtwoCokeseverydayincollege,andInevershookthehabit.
Jakesmirked.“It’sverygrossandendearing,whichmakesitmemorable.”
Icouldn’tresistalittledig.“AndIseeyou’restillkeepingupwiththelatestshortsfashion?”
Hestuckhisrightfootout.“ThispairI’mwearingwasonsaleatREI.IthassomanypocketsthatIloseeverythinginthem.”
“It’slikethegameMemory?Alwaysopeningandclosingallthepockets?”
“Exactly.”Whentheconversationdriftedtoawkwardsilence,heaskedagain,“So…you’rehere…because?”
Istaredatthemenuonthewallandtookawhiletoordermydrink.Itgavemetimetothinkaboutmyanswer.It’snoneofyourbusiness,Iwantedtosay,butthetruthwas,itwashisbusinessonceIlandedonhisclassroster.ButuntilIcouldswitchoutofhisCScourseandintoanotherSTEMclass,IwasstuckwithJakeasmyTA.Mygoalatthemomentwastoendthisconversationassoonaspossiblewithoutseemingrude,andnevertalktohimagain.AndideallyalsoscoreafreeicedcoffeeifIplayedthisright.
Thebaristacalledout“Lila!”beforeIcouldrespondtoJake.Sheplacedmyicedcoffeeonthecounter.Itookitandwalkedtothecheckoutline.
“Letmegetit,”hesaid,fumblingforhiswalletforafewsecondstoolong.
“It’sokay,I’llpay.”
TheclerkkeyedinthecodesforourdrinksandIswipedmytemporaryID.
BUZZ.
AgiantXappearedonthecardswiper.Iswipedagain,andwasdeniedasecondtime.
SheswiveledthemonitorsoIcouldseewhytheIDwasrejected.“Photoexpired.”Pointingtotheimageonthescreen,shecommented,“YouneedtogetanotherIDpictureattheregistrar.”
Jakelookedovermyshoulder.“Ohwow,that’sfromovertenyearsago.”
Itwasacolorphotofrommysenioryear,whenIhadthickbangs,asmatteringofforeheadacnefromsaidthickbangs,andapre-Invisalignsmile.AtleastIlookedhappy.Likesomeonewhodidn’tknowshewouldhavetorepeatcollege.
Icouldn’tevenplaythisoff.Iwasmortified,andIhadnocashonhand.
Jakeskirtedaroundmeand,withonequickmove,swipedhiscard,andshovedhisIDinhispocket.ThemonitorflashedwithhisTAcredentialsandagorgeousphotoofJake2.0appeared.Strongjaw.Mischievous,borderlinenaughtysmile.AndGod,thathair.
HegrabbedbothofourdrinksbeforeIcouldsayanything.Ifollowedhimasthecheckoutclerkcalledouttome,“Don’tforgettogetanewpicture,orthiswillkeephappeningtoyou.”
Trustme,lady,I’mgettingthisfixedrightaway.ThelastthingIneededwasmysenioryearcherub,pimplyfacehauntingmeeverytimeIusedmydiningpoints.
“Don’tfeelbad.WhenIbecameaPhDstudent,theyusedmyoldundergradphotoforawhile.ApparentlytheIDpictureexpiresafteracertainnumberofyears,likeadriver’slicenseorpassport.Needlesstosay,mypicturewasn’tnearlyasflatteringasyours.”Hewassayingthistobenice,becausehewasnotonlycuteincollege,likehewasnow,buthewasalsooneofthoseinsanelyphotogenicpeople.Hehadangularfeaturesthatweren’ttoosharp.Unlikeme,whereovertime,mybabyfacehadnotonlydisappeared,butmyjawlinealsoneverappeared.Ihadthoughtforsomanyyearsthatwhenthebabyfatonmycheeksmeltedaway,mychinandjawlinewouldrevealthemselves.Ta-da!Well,nosuchluck.
Jakefoundabistrotablewithtwochairssituatednearthefrontwindow.“Doyouhavetimetosit?Onlyforfiveminutes,Iknowyou’rebusywithyourbookstuff.”ForhimtothinkIwashereforresearchwascertainlybetterthanmeexplainingmyactualsituation,soIleftitaloneanddidn’tcorrecthim.
ToavoidstaringintoJake’seyes,ItookintheCommonssurroundingsasIdrankmycaffeinatedchocolatemilk.TheCarlthorpeCommonswasnew,meaningithadbeenbuiltoverthelasttenyears,liketheCSbuilding.“Thiswasn’talwayshere,right?Whatdiditreplace?”
“Yeah,it’snewish.Itreplacedtheoldstudentcenter,rememberthatbrickbuildingthatlookedlikeaprison?Thisnewcomplexissomuchnicer:it’swheremostoftheclubsmeetnow.Youcanbookroomsusinganonlinereservationsystemandthere’splentyofspace.”Iglancedathimwhilehetookalongsip.Hisproximitysentchillsdownmyspine,whichIwasn’texpectingatallaftersomanyyears.Meetingslikethisneededtobeavoidedatallcosts
Oneminutehadpassed.Justfourmoretogo.Thenitwasadios,Jake.
HefidgetedwiththecoffeecupsleeveandstaredintenselyattheQRcodeonhisdrink.“Idon’tevenknowwheretostart,Iactuallyrehearsedthislastnightandthismorning,incaseyousaidyestomeetingwithme.”Hetookadeepbreathinandthenspokereallyfast.“I’msorryabouthowweleftthings.HowIleftthings.It’sbeenoveradecadeandI…I’mjusthopingthatyoucanfindawaytoforgiveme.AndIknowanicedcoffeedoesn’tcutit,butit’sastart,andI’mpreparedtogrovelandapologizeanddowhateverIcantogetyoutonothateme.”
Myfingerstingled,thenwentnumb.Ihadnoideahowtorespondtothisunexpectedapology.MybrainwentblankandIcouldn’tthinkofanythingtosay.HowwasIsupposedtoansweraftersomanyyearsofignoringhiscallsandemails?
“J-justknowthatI’vehadalotoftimetothinkabouteverythingbetweenusandIfeellikeatotalasshole.Soifyoucan’tfinditinyourhearttoforgiveme,I’dlovetobeabletohaveacordialTAandstudentrelationship.Again,Iknowthat’salottoask.I’mrambling.I’msorry.”
Thelong,weightypausethatfollowedmademefeellikemynextwordsshouldreallycount.
“Okay.”
“Okay,meaning…you’reokaywithforgivingme?Orokaytobeinggenialthissemester?”
“Idon’tknow,”Imumbled.Thiswasalottotakein,andhefinallytooknotice.
“Ididn’tmeantoputyouonthespot.Butthanks,Lily,forlettingmespeakmypiece.IknowIjustsprungalotonyou.”Heofferedanapologeticsmile.“I’mgladtoseeyou’redoingwell.AftergraduationIwassolost.IactuallybecameanUberdriverusingmyfriend’smom’sminivan,ifyoucanbelieveit.”
Hischangingthesubjectwasarelief.Iletoutalongbreathwhilehecontinued.“ForawhileImadedecentmoneytoo,butitgotweirdwhenpeoplebookedmetodropofflargecourierdeliveriesaroundtown.AtonepointIwasprettysureIwastransportinghumanorgansorsomething,becausethecustomerkepttextingmeandcheckingthewhereaboutsofthetime-sensitivedeliveryofanIgloocontainer.That’swhenIdecidedtogetamorestablejobindatamininganddatascience.”
“That’squiteajump,fromorgandeliverytodataanalysis.It’sahotfieldthough,”Inoted.“Dataanalysis,nottheorgantransportation.How’dyouevendothat?”
“Istartedoutatthebottom.Firstforasmallstart-upcompany,whichusedAIpredictivelanguagetohelpdudeswritebreakuplettersortextstotheirgirlfriendssotheywouldsoundmorelovingandheartfelt.IwishIwerejoking.”
Myjawfell.Ididn’twanttobeinterestedinhispast,butIcouldn’thelpbeingintriguedbythis.“That’sdespicable…butfascinating.So,like,aguywouldpayforaservicetohelpthemcrafttheseletterssotheyweren’tsoasshole-y?”
Henodded.“Iworkedontheapologeticlanguageautocompletion.It’snotmyproudestprofessionalmoment.Breakingupthatwaywouldbeshitty.”
Ishifteduncomfortablyinmyseat.Speakingofthat,arewereallytalkingaboutbreakupsrightnow?
Myfacemust’vereadmurderousbecausehechangedthesubjectagain.“AfterafewmonthsImovedontoajuniordataanalystroleatamattresscompany.”
“Customerdata?Orproductdata?”
Hiseyeswidened.“Ididn’texpectyoutobesuchanumbersnerd.UsuallywhenIsayIworkedatamattresscompanypeoplemakesleepingandsnoringjokes.”
Ishrugged.“I’mawell-roundednerd,thankyouverymuch,I’mbothaqualitativeandquanttype.AndIalwayslovebedtalk.”
AssoonasIsaidit,Iblushed.
Jake’scheeksreddenedbuthedidn’tlookaway.Hisdarkbrowneyesglintedashesmirkedatmycomment.
Iclearedmythroat.“Soanyway,amattresscompany.Iwouldsaytellmemoreaboutthebusiness,butyou’reright,thatactuallysoundsboring.”
Heleanedforward.“Well,hearmeout.Alloftheirmattresseswerecustomandusedsmarttechnology.Soyoucouldsetpreferencesonfirmness,basepositions,temperaturecontrols,younameit.”
“Thatstillsoundsboring.”
Hiseyestwinkledasheleanedforward,signalingtherewasmoretocome.“Ikneweverythingaboutthecustomer.Sleepinghabits,durationofrest,andevenwhentheywerehavingsex.”
Inearlyspatoutmycoffee.“Youmean,howmanytimes?”
Hecockedhishead.“Yes.Andthinkaboutthetypeofdataamattresscompanycouldcollectotherthanfrequency.”
“Duration?”
Heraisedasuggestiveeyebrow.
“Um…vigor?”
Hismouthpressedtight.“IshotuptheranksatthatcompanybecauseIwasthebestsexanalystaround.”
FromthefirstmomentIlaidmyeyesonJake,longagowhenwebothgrabbedabagofcuttlefishchipsatanASAmeeting,I’dbeenattractedtohim.Hewascharmingandboyishlyhandsome,andknewhowtomakemelaugh,whichwasbyfaroneofthemostattractivefeaturesinaman.Butassoonashesaid“sexanalyst,”somethinginsidemeflickedthe“on”switch,andjustlikethat,healmostreeledmebackin.
No,Lily.No.
Hecontinued.“Ilearnedalotaboutsecurityandprivacythen,whichiswhyIneverputanythingontheinternet.”
Well,thisexplainedwhyhewasessentiallyaghostonline.
“That’swhereIlearnedSQLandtaughtmyselfhowtocode.ButIlearnedinanunstructuredenvironment,whereIhadtodoeverythingmyself.IwasgoodatwhatIdid,butitwasallhomegrown.Iknewthatwithproperinstructionandguidance,Icoulddosomuchmore.”
“Youwanttodreambigandbethebestsexanalystintheuniverse,”Isaiddryly,managingtokeepastraightface.
Heputthelidbackonhisdrink.“Somethinglikethat.I’mgoodatit!Iwanttobetheverybest,andIwanttoteachthenextgenerationofsexanalysts.”
Ihatedtoadmitit,butitfeltgoodtojokearoundlikeintheolddays.Andforafleetingmoment,I’dforgottenwhywe’dbrokenupinthefirstplace.ForgottenwhyIhadn’tcontactedhimforalltheseyears.ButthenIrememberedhewasmyTA,andscootedbackfartherintomyseat.
Hetoreacorneroffhisnapkinandwaddeditintoatinyball.“There’salsoaselfishreasonI’mbackinschool.I’mtiredofworkingintherealworld.Allofmyfriendsaremarriedandhavingkids,orreallyfarintotheircareers,andIfeltlikeIwasdrifting.Notinanaimless,confusedway.ButIwantedtoaccomplishsomethingandclaimitasmine.”Hesighed.“EvenwithaPhDthough,Istilldon’tthinkIknowwhattodountilIretire.”
Dideveryoneouragefeelliketheyweren’tquitewheretheyweresupposedtobe?Icoulddefinitelyrelate.“It’sweirdhowyougraduateandthentheythrustyouintotherealworldwithoutanypracticalskills.Andthenbeforeyouknowit,you’rethirty-something,oroldereven,andwonderwhereallthetimewent.WonderingifyouweredoingwhatyouwereputonthisEarthtodo.Learningskillsandhopingyou’regettingpaidwhatyou’reworth.”
Henodded.“That’swhyIwassohappytoseethatyoubecameanauthoraftervaultingtothetopofthecorporateladder.Idon’trememberyoutakingEnglishorjournalismclasses.Andyoudefinitelyweren’tastaffwriternerdforthecollegepaperlikeIwas.”
Hefailedtomentionhequitthepaperaftertwosemestersashecontinued.“It’simpressive,everythingyou’redoing.Makesmethinkthatit’sokaytonotjustdoonethinginlife.Orthatit’sokaytotrynewthingslongafteryougraduate.”Hislipsquirkedupashetookasipfromhiscup.
Isighed.“Thecareerratraceismostlyjustarusty,squeakyoldhamsterwheelgoingnowhere.”
Heresponded,“Truth.”
Beinganadultwashard,andyoudidn’tgetmanychancestotrydifferentpathsonceyouwereonone.Sometimeschangingmeantgivingsomethingup,orbeingpenalizedbyhavingtostartatthebottomagain.Andasyearspassed,thesetrade-offsbecamelessappealing,nottomentionitwasmuchhardertochangedirectionafteryouturnedthirty.Iknewaboutthisfirsthand.
Iassuredhim,“Youmightthinkit’scowardlytoduckoutofthenever-endingcorporateslogandtrysomethingnew,butIthinkyou’rebravewithyourcareerchange.”
“Well,Ithinkyou’rebravetoo.”
Mygazetraveledtheroomforanyonlookers,tomakesurenoonewasgettingthewrongidea.Notthattherewasanythingbetweenus.Notanymoreatleast
Mostofthetableswereoccupiedwithclustersofstudentswhowereontheirphones,notonlyignoringJakeandme,butalsodisregardingoneanother.Overinthefarbackcorner,ImadeeyecontactwithEthan.
Ohno.I’dforgottenabouthim.Them.MyCSgroup.
Icycoldpricklesfloodedmybody,makingmeinvoluntarilyshiverasasenseofguiltsweptoverme.Icouldn’ttellfromEthan’sexpressionhowhewasreadingthissituation.WasitclearwewerejustTAandpupil,andnothingmore?Wasthereanythingtomisconstrue?Inanycase,IneededtoendmyconversationimmediatelywithJake.Itwouldbeabadideatokeepthingstoofriendlyandfamiliarbetweenus.ThelastthingIneededtodowastokickuprumorsanddrawattentiontomyself.
Iscootedbackmychairandrosetomyfeet.“Thanksforthecoffeeandthewalkdownmemorylane.Ineedtomeetupwithmygrouptoworkonthenextassignment.”
Hissmilefell.“Oh,Iwashopingwecould—”JakesawmenervouslyglanceoveratEthan’stable.“Well,maybeanothertime.Itwasreallyniceseeingyouagain.Ifyouneedanyhelponthehomeworkletmeknow.AndifyourgrouphasquestionsaboutusingVSCodeontheSEASnetWindowsServer,youcantextme.Orstopbymyofficehourstomorrow.Room1001011.”
Right,Iforgotaboutthebinarycode.
Hetextedhiscontactinfoandwepushedourchairsunderthetable.Aftersayingourquickgoodbyes,wepartedways.
InearlytrippedovermyownfeetasIrushedovertoEthan’stable.“SosorryI’mlate.ImetupwithJake…er…Jacob.Iknewhimfromalongtimeago,wegowayback.It’swildseeinghimhereatCarlthorpe.Anyway,what’dImiss?”Ispokewithtoomuchenthusiasm,asignIwashidingsomething,orflat-outlying.Calmtheeffdown,Lily.
“Wewerejustbuildingtheexecutablefromtheprogram,”Gracesaid,smilingatme.“ExceptPJ,hewaswatchingYouTube.”
“Hey!Iwasbrowsingvideostoseeifanyonehadpostedcontentaboutthisassignmentorsomethingsimilar,thankyouverymuch.I’msadtoreportthatwe’reonourownforthisone.”Heslammedhislaptopshutandgroaned.
Gracesighed.“Noteveryclassisgoingtohaveateacher’seditiontextbookorvideowithanswers.”Sherolledhereyes.“CanwejustgetthisdonesoIcanhavetheweekendfree?”
EthanclearedasectionofthetablesoIcouldsit.“Haveyouhadachancetolookattheassignment?It’sharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe.”
Iflippedopenmylaptop,skimmedthesyllabus,andclickedthelinktothehomework.“Lookslikehe’sasticklerontherequirements.Wecan’tincludeanyextrafilesormisspellanythinginourfinaldeliverable.Yes,Iunderstandwhathe’slookingfor.”
PJ’seyeswidened.“Wow,well,I’mgladyou’rewithus.IthinkI’minovermyhead.”
Wespentthenexthourgoingovertheassignmentandmakingsurewewereallmeticulousandonthesamepage.Thefourofusworkedreallywelltogetherandeachofusaddedsomethingtotheconversation.Althoughasfarascomprehensionwent,Ihadthestrongestaffinityforthematerialscoveredinthelesson,probablybecauseoneofthemanyhatsI’dwornatmylastcorporatejobwasworkingasaliaisonbetweentheproductanddevteams.Oneoftheprogrammershadwrittentheirmantraontheirdepartmenthallway:“Wewriteslick,tightcode!”Itrangvaguelyoffensivetoafewpeopleatthecompanysotheyhadtotakeitdown,butIknewwhattheymeant.Andthisclasswasallaboutsimplicity,efficiency,andattentiontodetail.ThesewerethreethingsthatIvaluedhighly,especiallyinaworksetting.Theclassmaterialclickedwithme,morethananycourseworkhadinthepast.
Ethanclosedhislaptop.“Homeworkdone.Weekendfree.Thisisamazing.”
Graceaskedme,“DoyoumindifIaskyouafewquestions?”
Ishrugged.“Sure,fireaway.”
Sheprompted,“So…areyougettingapost-bacdegree?I’mnotsayingyou’reoldbut—”
PJsniggeredwhileplayingamobileshootergameonhisphone.“Wow,that’sarudequestion.Andyoukindofjustdid.”
Ethansaidunconvincingly,“Ageisjustanumber,Grace.”
Honestly,you’dthinkIwasfifty-twoandnotthirty-twobythewaytheyweretalking.Iwasonlytenyearsolder,maybeeleven.WhenIwasatmylastcompany,I’dworkedwithinternsandrecentcollegegradseverydayandwouldliketothinkIcouldstillcarrymyselfinanongeriatricfashion.They’dinvitedmetolunchandhappyhourssometimes,whichwastheultimatenodofapproval,right?
GraceheldupherhandtoPJ’sface,signalingforhimtoshuthistrap.“LetmeexplainwhereI’mgoingwiththis,withoutyourmansplaining.”
PJmimedthathewaszippinghismouth,andheandGracelaughedtogether.Clearlytheyhadagoodrelationship,andshecouldputhiminhisplacewhenneeded.
“Maybeyou’rerightandmywordscameoutwrong,letmetryagainwithaddingcontext.IwenttoSeoulInternationalPrep,oneoftheexpatschoolsinKoreawheremostoftheteachersarefromtheStates.IwasborninFloridabutmovedtoSeoulwhenIwasfour.IseemyselfasequallyKoreanandAmerican,andIwantedtoknowifIshouldcallyouLilorsunbaeorunnie.”SheshotalookatPJ.“Myquestioncomesfromaplaceofrespect,notinsult.”
I’dbeenaroundKoreanAmericanpeoplemyentirelife,mostlypeersandelders,andI’dneverbeeninsuchanawkwardpositionwheremybeingtheoldestinagroupwouldneedclarityaroundhonorifictitles.Justasshedidn’tknowwhethertocallme“oldersister”orher“senior,”Ididn’tknowifcallingallofthemhubae,myjunior,wasappropriatenowthatthishierarchyissuehadcomeup.
MiawasgoingtolaughherassoffwhenItoldheraboutthis.Icouldn’tbelievethiswashappeningtome.
“Well,I’mopentowhateveryou’dwant,butIpersonallyliketothinkofmyselfasapeer.AndIknowI’vebeenprettyquietaboutmyreasonsforbeingintheclass,andIcansharemylongstoryanothertime,maybeoverlunchsoon?Ipromiseit’sinnocuous,andnotbecauseImurderedsomeoneatmylastschoolandtransferredhere.”
Wecontinuedtojokearound,myanswerseemingtoplacatethethreeofthem.AnditboughtmesometimetothinkaboutwhatpartsofmybackgroundIwaswillingtoofferuptopeopleIdidn’tknowwell.Themorepeoplewhoknewaboutmycircumstances,theriskieritwas.
Gracesaid,“I’llcallyouLilthen!”
Iletoutasmallgroan.“Actually,couldyouallpleasecallmeLily?That’salsoanotherpartofthestorythatI’llexplainlater.”
Shesmiled.“I’mokaywiththat.AreyoutakingclassesinthecollegeorintheSchoolofProfessionalStudies?”
“Justcollege.IhavetheCSclasswithallofyou,thestatisticscourseI’vebeenauditingisinthecollegeprogramtoo,andsoismyBuildingaGlobalAudienceandInfluencerCultureelectivesociologyclass.”Itwasn’tasrigorousformeasmyothercoursework,andIfiguredIcouldkeepitasabufferincasethedeanwaswrongagainaboutmydegreecompletionrequirements.
Graceasked,“Whyareyouauditingthestatsclass?”
IbitmylipandlookedatEthan.HowforthcomingcouldIbewiththesenewclassmates?“I’mhopingsomeonedropsoutsoIcanenroll.It’sacoursethatcoversthingsIalreadyknowfrommylastcorporatejob—surveysanddataanalysis—soitwouldprobablybeaneasyA.”WhatIleftoutwasthatIwoulddropoutofCSifIgotintostats.Noneedtoalarmanyone.
PJthrewhisphoneonthetable.“Mybatterydied.”HelookedatEthan.“SoIguesswemeetupforthenextassignmentnextweek?Sametime,sameplace?”
Ethanstackedourtrashonhistray.“Yes,unlessyouhavesomethingbettertodo.”
AsIgotupfromthetable,mykneescrackedloudly,likethefirstkernelexplodinginsideamicrowavebagofpopcorn.Theyneverdidthatinmytwenties.Iwasofficially“snap-crackle-popjoints”yearsold.
Whensomeone’sstomachgrowls,peopleusuallypretendtheydon’thear,andthesenewfriendsofmineextendedthesamecourtesywithmycrackingknees.Notonlydidmybuddieshavequietjoints,butallthreealsohadsky-highmetabolisms.EthanandPJhadeachinhaledtwoslicesofpizzaandajumboCoke,leavingonlyafewbitesofcrust,whileGraceateafullburritowithsourcreamandguacamole,thenwasheditalldownwithastrawberrylemonade.
Outside,Iwavedtothem.“I’llseeyouinclass.”EthanandPJwenttothelibrary,Graceheadedtothegym,andIwalkedtotheregistrartotakeanewphotoandgetanewID.
Onmywayhome,IsnappedapictureofmynewbadgeandsentittoMia.ItwassobadIknewshe’dgetakickoutofit.ItwasliketheytookmycringyoldsenioryearIDphotoandusedageprogressionsoftwaretoaddtenprisonyears.AsIturnedthekeyforthefrontdoor,myphonebuzzed.
Mia.Hottest32youndergradstudentoncampus!
Miaagain.Eatyourheartout,JakeCho
Yes,eatyourheartout,Jacob.ChapterEleven
Thekitchencountertopswereentirelycoveredwithdirtydishes,usedpots,andPyrexcasserolecontainers.Anabsolutemess.TheBritawaterpitcherIneededwasnowheretobefound,soIfilledmywaterbottlefromthesinkinstead.
“Doweneedtotalkaboutthis,Roomie?”Ijoked,gawkingatthedisarray
BethwipedherhandsonherSPIRITUALGANGSTERapronandliftedaglassbakingpantoshowmeherlatestculinarymasterpiece.“Imadecherryyumyum.It’saSouthernandMidwesternthing.”Shehadalsomadeoatmealchocolatechipcookies.Pecanbars.ChexMixmuddybuddies.Alllitteringthekitchentableandstovetop.“I’mprocrasti-baking,”sheexplained.“Feelfreetohavewhateveryouwant.Therestwillbeformyfriends,mystudygroups,andforthevarietytreatpacksIselloncampus.Peoplelovethem,especiallyaroundexamtime.”
Icouldseewhyhomemadetreatswouldgooverwellwithcollegestudents.Especiallythosewhostress-snackedorsmokedweedandconsequentiallyhadvoraciousappetites.
“Trymylatestcreation!”Shegrabbedabowlandagiantmetalspoonandscoopedsomeofthefruity,fluffydessertfromtherectangularglasscontainer.Icouldn’thelpbutnoticeacornersectionwasmissing.Bethwasprobablytaste-testing.“Thisisano-bakerecipe,anditneedstoberefrigerated,soeatitupfast!”
Iwassousedtobeingaroundpeoplemyagewhowereheavilyfocusedonextremehealthconsciousnessanddietarylimitations,sothiswassuchatreatforme.Igrabbedaforkfromthedishrackandstabbedatthedessertwiththeprongs.Itwassoft,withtheconsistencyoftiramisu.
Onthefarendofthecounter,shehadalreadystartedbaggingandtaggingherbakedtreatsincellophane.Lookingatthevastnumberofbakedgoodsaroundmeandtherateatwhichshewaspackagingthem,itwasevidentthatBethwasnonoviceinmonetarilybeneficialbaking.
Itookabigbite.Mmmm,creamy,deliciousgoodness,likeacherrycheesecakeandacreampiehadatastybaby.Myfavoritepieiskeylime,mainlybecauseIlovegrahamcrackercrusts,andthisdesserthadthattoo.Basically,thiswastheperfectdessert.
Asifshecouldreadmymind,Bethsaid,“It’seasytomaketoo.Youdon’tneedtobakeanythingsoIcanmakeitanytime.Iknewyou’dloveit!”
Idid.AndbecauseIlovedit,Idevouredtheentirebowl.
Shesealedtheglassdishwithalidandplacedthecherryyumyumonthebottomshelfofthefridge.Ieyedthelocationforfuturereference.“Itshouldlastthreeorfourdays.Myboyfriendcomesthisweekendandhecanfinishoffwhatyoudon’teat.”
“Thanksformakingthatforus.Itwassogood.”
“Miasaidthesamething.Thatmakesmesohappy!”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Wait,Miahadsome?She’shereagain?”
Asifoncue,Miawalkedin,yawningwithherarmsstretchedaboveherhead.ShewaswearingacroptopwiththewordsI’MAFUCKINGPOLLYANNAacrossherchest.Shegrabbedapecanbarandchewedaway,notprovidinganyexplanationastowhyshewashereduringtheschoolweek.
Iclearedmythroat,hopingIwouldn’thavetoverbalizemy“whythehellareyouhereonaweekday,BFF?”confusion.
Miaheldupherlastpecanbarmorsel,likeshewastoastingtheroom.“Thesearefuckingamazing.”Shepoppeditinhermouthandrubbedherhandstogether,signalingthatshe’dfinisheditoff.“Anyway,toansweryourtelepathicquestion,IcameheretoaskyoutowritesomeessaysaboutjobhuntingandcareerlimitationsthatIcouldpitchtomagazinesandnewspapers.Myfashionandtechstart-upfounderclientsdon’tlikewritingasmuchasyoudo,buttheseprintandonlineopinionpieceshelpbuildtheircredibility.Ithinkyoushouldtryit.Evenifyourbookisn’tready,andwon’tbeforawhile,wecancontinuetoestablishyouasasubjectmatterexperttothosewhomightnothavediscoveredyourbooksyet.”
TheeggtimerdingedandBethtookbrowniesoutoftheoven.Whilesettingdownthebakingpan,shesaid,“Confession…Ifinallygoogledyou.Well,IlookedyouupbeforewhenIfoundoutIwasgettinganewroomie,butatthetimeitdidn’treallysinkinthatIwouldbesharinganapartmentwithacriticallyacclaimednonfictionauthor.ButIlookedupyourbookandtoMia’spoint,nooneinmygenerationhasheardofyou.Nooffense.”
MiapouredherselfaglassofwaterfromtheBritathathadmiraculouslyreappeared.“Andthat’sexactlytherightpoint.TheO’Harasmighthavetheiraudiencefiguredout,butyouhaveroomtoexpandyourreadershipintothisyoungermarket—thepeoplewhoarejuststartingoutratherthanseasonedprofessionals.Youcanprovideguidancefortheyoungerfolksearlyintheircareerssothey’repreparedforwhat’sahead.”
Inodded.“Makessense.ButmyESPistellingmethat’snottheonlyreasonyou’rehere.Youcouldhaveeasilymessagedthattomeorhoppedonavideocall.”
Shewavedanoatmealchocolatechipcookieatme.“Okay,fine.Imissedyou,okay?We’vebasicallybeenjoinedatthehipinNewYorkforawholedecadeandyouleavingmewaslikesendingakidofftocollegeorsomething.”Shenibbledhertreat.“Andthisonehere”—shenoddedherheadtowardBeth—“youalwayshavegoodeats.AndIknowwhatyou’rethinking,andyes,Iamdrivingalongwaytohangoutwithyouandcurrentlyfreeloading,butinexchangeIofferedBethaliteversionofmyPRservices,andsheagreed.I’mdesigningflyersandgettingaQRcodesetupforherfoodieenterprise.”
Miawashard-edgedandgaveoffcranky-pantsvibestwenty-four/seven,butshewaslikeawildporcupine:amisunderstoodcreature,becauseitwasactuallypossibletopetone,aslongasthereismutualtrust,gentleness…andfood.Miahadaheartofgold,andthestomachofacollegeheavyweightwrestler.AndnowshewashelpingBethbuildherbusinesstoo,eventhoughshehadalotonherplate.
“Well,IguessIshouldactuallyfinishuphomeworkthat’sduetomorrow.ThenIcanseeaboutthosethingsyouwantmetowrite.”
WhileMiaandIchatted,Bethputaluminumfoilonallthebakedgoodiesandletoutalongbreathwhenshewasdone.Thenherfaceperkedup.“Oh!Iforgottotellyou,theWi-Fiisbetterandcheapernow.IbandedtogetherwithotherstudentswholiveinthisbuildingandweallchippedinforVerizonFios.Sonowweareonacrazy-fastfiberopticnetworkwithwaybetterreliability.Iputthepasswordonastickynoteonyourbedroomdoor.WealsoshareGoogleHomeandNestcameranetworkingtoo.”TherewasaGoogleHomedevicealreadyinmyroomwhenIarrivedbutIhadn’taskedittodoanything.Inevertriedtotalktoit.Ididn’tevenknowifitworked.BackinNewYork,Iusedtoaskminewhattimeitwas,whattheweatherwaslike,andsometimestoplaymusicfrommyplaylists.Itwouldbegoodtohavethatsetupagain.
Miarefilledthewaterpitcher.“Ihopeit’sokaythatIbroughtmyovernightduffel.Andasleepingbag.Andmypillow.”
Ilaughed.“Micasaessucasaistheapartmentmotto,accordingtoBeth.”
Mia’slipsupturnedintoawidegrin.“I’llbequietwhileyoubothdohomework,Ihavesomeworktodotonightforaclient’slaunchnextmonth.”
Wetookafewcookiesandheadedbacktomybedroom.ThehandwrittenWi-FipasswordonthePost-itwasalmostthirtycharacterslong,andamixofuppercase,lowercase,andnumerals.AndzerosthatlookedlikeO’s.AndonesthatlookedlikeI’s.Ittookafewtries,butIfinallyconnectedtothenetwork.IhandedMiathestickynotebutsheshookherhead.
“IalreadyentereditearliertodaywhenIarrived.I’mconnectedalready.”
MicasaesMia’scasa.
Foracoupleofhours,allyoucouldhearwasourtyping.Afterbeingonmyownforacoupleofyears,itwasalmostlikebeingbackinanofficesetting,sittinginthesameareawithacoworker.Acoworkerwhohappenedtobemybestfriend.Andanofficethathappenedtohaveaninternetconnectionwithscreaming-fastspeedsandareallyamazingfreebakerydownthehall.
Ifinishedansweringdiscussionguidequestionsformyinfluencerclass,thenprinteditouttocheckfortypos.Thisassignmentwasn’tgraded,butitwouldbeusedforaclassdiscussion.Astheprinterclickedandhummed,abarelyaudiblepantinggrewlouderinourroom.Mialookedatme.Ishrugged.Webothabandonedwhatwewereworkingontoinvestigate:sheopenedthewindowtocheckoutside,andIstoodonmybed,thinkingthesoundmightbecomingfromourneighborsupstairsthroughtheairvents.
“Isthatadog?”Miaaskedme.
“Oh!Ohhhhh!YES!”Thepantingabruptlystopped,replacedbyshrieking,shouting,moaning.
Miashookherheadandclosedthewindow.Ihoppedoffthebed.Thesoundswerecomingfromsomewhereinmybedroom!
“YESSSSSS!There!Ohhhhh!”Thescreams,nowunmistakablyclose,originatedfrommydresser.TheGoogleHomedevicenexttomypictureframesandjewelryboxvibratedastheyellinggrewlouderandlouder.
SomeonewasplayingapornoonmyGoogleHome.
Iyelled,“Okay,Google.Knockitoff!”andtheroomfellsilentforamoment.Butthenading-dongsoundcameovertheairwavesandthepantingresumed.
Miabellowed,“Okay,Google,stop!Forfuck’ssake!”
Thewhimpering,panting,andassslappingdisappeared.Ithrewopenmydoorandstormedintothekitchen,whereBethwasmakingstreusel.
Itriedtodestressmyvoice.“Wasthatyou?PlayingaprankonGoogleHome?”
Shestoppedpipingicingandcockedherhead.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Bethwipedherhandsandmotionedformetofollowhertoherroom.Beyondherdoor,thepornsoundswereback.ShefumbledwiththesmartdeviceandaskedSirionherApplewatchtocallsomeonenamedGrady.ButSirididn’tcooperate.Instead,shesaid,“Idon’tknowwhatyoumeanbyGrady-Oh-Oh-Oh-Yes-Mmmm-Yes.Rightthere.”
IyankedtheplugonherGoogleHome.Silenceneversoundedsogood.
BethcalledGradyonherphoneandbarkedintothespeaker,“Weknowyou’rewatchingporn.You’restreamingitonChromecastanditneedstostopNOW.”
Shekeptthephonetoherearafewsecondsandthenhungup.“Gradyapologizes.He’sthemastermindbehindtheaccountsharingbutobviouslytherearesomeglitcheswithourplan.Wedidittosavemoneybutwemighthavetoreconsiderthisgroupnetworkingsituationnowthatwe’veseenhowthiscouldgotragicallywrong.”
Ilaughed.“Well,onthebrightside,thankGodweweren’tinaZoomjobinterview.”Istilladmiredherfortryingtofindwaystobefrugal.
Miawalkedin.“Look,itwasn’tthatbad.Myroommatefromafewyearsagotiedtubesockstothetopofherbedpoststokeepthemfrombangingthewallswhenshewasbangingherboss.”
Bethgasped.“Didthesockswork?”
“That’syourquestion?”Miashrugged.“Notreally.Andthepostsmadedentsinthewallthatcostusourentiresecuritydeposit.Butthatexperienceintroducedmetotheworldofnoise-cancelingheadphones.Bestinvestmentever.”
Bethturnedtomeandaskedcoyly,“WillIneedtomakeanoise-cancelingheadphonepurchase?”
“Idon’tnormallywatchpornonspeakerphoneattopvolume,”Ireplied.
“No,Imean,IsawyouaroundlunchtimewithahotguyattheCommons.Ididn’twanttosayanythingyet,butnowthatwe’rehavinggirltalk—”
Icutheroff.“Well,Idon’tknowhowwewentfromGoogleHomeporntothis,butJakeandIarenot—”
“Wait,youhadasecretlunchwithJake?”Miasluggedmyarm.“Howdidyounottellmeaboutthis?IthoughtyouweregoingtodropkickhisasstoMars!Buthonestly,ifhe’sjustaflingandhe’shot,Isaygetit,girl.Seizethefuckingday!”
“I’mnothavinglunchwithanyone,secretorotherwise.”Icrossedmyarms.“Jakewantedtograbcoffeeandapologize.Heaskedforittobecivilbetweenus,that’sall.AndIcutitshortbecauseofthisexactproblem,Ididn’twantpeopletogetthewrongidea.”
Miaraisedaneyebrow.“Ihopetherewasgrovelingandapromiseofextracreditorsomething.Andnoshadeifyouwanttoholdthisgrudgeuntilyoudie.I’drespectthat.”
Bethnodded.“Metoo.Sookay,youandthecuteTAarenotanitem.Buthowaboutyouandthatotherattractiveguyyouwereinagroupwith?”
Miaslappedmyarmagain.“Seriously?Anotherguy?”
Isighed.Iknewwhoshemeant.“ThatotherguyisEthan.He’sjustafriend,andthegroupisonlyusingmeformybrains.”
Mialookedpensive.“Abrainiacanglecouldwork.Heusesyouforyourbrain,youusehimforhis—”
Shakingmyheadhard,Isaid,“Nope.He’stenyearsyounger.Notgonnahappen.”
Beth’seyeswidened.“HaveyoulearnednothingfromNickJonasandPriyankaChopraJonas?Agedoesn’tmeanpoopthesedays.”
“Idon’tknowhowtobreakthistoyou,Beth,butI’mnoPriyankaChoprainthelooksdepartment.Theonlythingwehaveincommonisourheightandthatwebothlovepostingphotosofroti.Andwebothfavorourrightsideinphotos.Sheworksherassoffthough,whichIadmire.”
Miapeeledupthefoilononeofthealuminumtrays.“YouknowwaymoreaboutPriyankathanIthought.It’salittleweird.”
Sheofferedmeapecanbar,whichIaccepted.Bethgrabbedacookieandweallraisedourtreatstomimicagroup“cheers!”
“Bonappétit!”Bethchewedandofferedmeapensivelook.“Well,Priyankadefinitelyworkshard.Butthere’snogloryinanyhard-coregrindifitwearsyoudowntoalittlestub,soIhopeit’sworthit.Ihopeshe’shappy.”
Myroommate,withanotheroddlypoignantandbizarrelifeinsight.
“Amentothat,”Isaid.
Miaofferedprayerhands.“Amen!”ChapterTwelve
Ineededtogetoutofthehouse.Bethwasbakingupastormagain,temptingmewithalltheextracalories,andtheGoogleHomespeakerwasnowoccasionallybroadcastingourneighborGrady’snon-pornESPNfootballhighlights.ButwhenImadethedecisiontoleavetheapartmenttostudyelsewhere,Ididn’texpectittobesunnyoneminuteandthenrainingcatsanddogsthenext.“Lightdrizzle”wasintheweatherforecast,butitwasn’tsupposedtohituntiltheevening.
Iespeciallydidn’texpecttoseeJakewalkingatinydogaheadofmeonmywaytocampus.Hadhealwaysbeenadogperson?FrommydaysinNewYork,acishetguywalkingatinydogusuallymeanttherewasagirlfriendinthepicture.Itwasalmostascertainasotherevidenttruthsinlife,likehowhorsedewormersshouldn’tbeusedtocurehumanviralillnesses,orthatdrinkingbeerbeforeliquorwouldneverendwell.
Inmypastlife,whenPetManiawasoneofmyclients,itwasmyresponsibilitytoconductdozensoffocusgroupswithpetowners.Self-professeddogloverswerelivelyintheirdiscourse,farmoreenergeticandchattierthanIexpectedastheygushedabouttheirpups,andthiswasdefinitelynothowIwoulddescribeJake.SeeingJakeinthisslice-of-lifemomentwasperplexingtome.
Simplyput,hedidn’tgiveoffdog-ownerenergy.Notbackthen,andnotnow.
DidhegivemanicAsianBacktotheFutureDocBrownvibesincollegesometimes?Yes.Butbubbly,yippydog-ownervibes?No.
Theraincontinuedtosoakthroughmyclothes,makingthemclingtomelikeanoctopusclutchingitsprey.AndofcourseIhadonaheavyweight,absorbentcottonhoodieandjeansinthethickestfalldenim.Mywaterloggedsweatshirtturnedintoaweightedblanketandthepantssuctionedtomythighs,makingmystrideheavierandslowerwitheachstep.Theonlythingthatwaswaterproofwasmybackpack,andthankgoodnessforthat,becausemylaptopandreadingmaterialswereinside.
Jakeveeredoffthepathashisdoggycontemplatedabathroombreaknexttoaspindlymaple.Idrewcloserandhesawme.“Hey,Lily!Wannashare?It’sagolfumbrella.Thosebackpacksaregoodbutthey’rewaterresistant,notwaterproof.”
MysneakerssquishedasIcontinuedwalking.“Nothanks.”
Jakecockedhishead,andhisdogmirroredhisheadtilt.Great,eventhisdogthoughtitwasidiotictoturndownrainprotection.“Buttherain’sgettingworse.”Hewasright,itwaspouringnow.Andmyrefusingtotakeshelterunderhisumbrellawasnothingmorethanmebeingpetty.Isometimeswonderedifholdinglonggrudgeswashereditary,becausemyparentsdidthesame.Ifitwasasport,theLeefamilywouldbeOlympians.MaybeitwasinourDNA,andasKyloRentellsRey,“Thedarksideisinourblood.”Itwasjusthowwewere.HowIwas.
ButmaybejustonceIcouldresistitforthesakeofself-preservation.
“Okay,”Iconceded,whilepushingmysoppingwetcurtainbangsfrommyeyes.Itookstepstowardhimandthedoggrowled.“I’mheadedtoCobbsLibrary,ifyou’reheadedthatway.”
“I’mgoingtomyoffice,soit’snotrouble.Anddon’tworryabouther.She’sjustterritorial.Thinksyou’retryingtostealherfavoritepeespot.”Moresnarling.“Sasha,no!She’sjustsharingtheumbrellawithus.”
Iswear,Sasharolledhereyesatmeasshesquatted.TherewasmorethanenoughroomforthetwoofusplusSashaunderhisumbrella.Itwaspracticallythesizeofapop-uptent.“Thankyouforthecoverage.IsSashayourdog?”
Henodded.“Yup.”
Silencefellbetweenus.That’sit?Nomoreinfo?Nobackstoryonwhyagrown-assmanwouldhavesuchatiny-assdog?
Afterafewsecondsheasked,“Doyoulikedogs?”
Backwhenweweredating,thissortofthingnevercameup.Wehadotherprioritiesbesidesdiscussingpetaffinity.
Iscrunchedmynose.“Ihaddogsgrowingup.”
“That’snotthesamethingaslikingthem.”
“It’snot?”
Heanswered,“It’snot.That’slikemeasking,‘Doyoulikepopcorn,specificallythosetinswithcaramelandcheese?’andyousaying,‘Ihavesomeinmypantry.’Itdoesn’tmeanyoulikeit,oreveneatit.Itcouldbeyourroommate’s,oralong-forgottenpresent.”
“Peoplegivepopcornasapresent?”Igaped.
“Anyonegiftingmepopcornwouldbemysoulmate.”Hestoppedwalking.“Garrett’sisthebest.”
“Ihaveasweettooth.I’dwantperfectlybakedchocolatechipcookies.Crispyontheouterrim,chewyontheinside.Ahintofbrownbutterandvanillaflavor.Myroommatemakesthemandthey’reclosetoperfect.”
Heturnedtofacemeasweapproachedthecampusgrounds.“Ibakecookies.”
“Youdo?”Whowasthisman?
“Ipreheattheoven,cutthecookiedoughlog,andletthemcookfortentotwelveminutesuntiltheyturnagoldenbrown.”Heshowedahintofasmile
Asnortescapedme.“That’snotbaking.Ican’tbelieveyousaidthat.That’soffensivetoallhomebakersaroundtheworld.”
Hepointedout,“Technically,itisbaking,becauseI’mpressingthebakebuttononmyoven.Thatmakesmeabaker,akaapersonwhobakes.AndI’mafraidmyhuman-walkingservicesendhere.Nodogsallowedaroundthemaincampuslibrary.”
Whilewechatted,Iforgotthattherainhadsoakedeveryinchofme.Evenmybraandunderwearweredrenched,andmyrunningshoesmadeslurpingsoundsasIwalked.Nottoosadaboutleavingthedownpour,butmyheartflutteredinsidemychestasJakeandSashawaitedformetoleavetheirumbrellacanopyandenterthelibrarybuilding.
Jake’seyessparkledandhislipsturnedupwardintoasmirk,makingmesuspicious.
“Whyareyousmiling?”
“Shelikesyou.”
Hepointedtomyfeet.Sashahadfinishedsniffingmeandsatonmyrightsneaker.“Shehateseveryone.Includingmyex,herformerowner.”
Aha!Thankyou,Sasha,fordrawingoutJake’soriginstory.Ioweyouoneforthat.
Isquatteddowntopether,andmykneespopped,scaringherintoastanding,teeth-snarlingposition,whichmadeJakeburstintouncontrollablelaughter
“ShegetsthiswayonlyontheFourthofJulywhentheneighborhoodgoesberserkwithillegalfireworks.”Hewipedhiseyeswiththebackofhishand.“I’msorryforlaughing.Mykneespoplikethattoo.Seeinghertryingtoactferocious,asifherChihuahuaandJackRussellterriergeneswerenotanimpediment,isjustsofunnytome.”
Sasha’searsprickedup,thenshefloppeddownonmyshoeagainandrolledtoherside.
Heexplained,“Nowshewantsyoutorubherbelly,evenonthewetsidewalk.Man,I’vereallyspoiledher.”Jakepulledgentlyonherleash,butSashawouldn’tbudge.
Withmykneesalreadyloosened,Iattemptedasecondsquat.Afterabouttensecondsofpetting,Iresumedstanding.Sasharolledtoherfeetandbarked.Asoft,quickyip.
Jaketiltedtheumbrellaandscoopedherup.“That’sherwayofshowingappreciation.Thanksforthefunwalk.Andlook!Therainisslowing.”
Ihadn’tnoticedithadtransitionedfromacascadetoaharddrizzletoasprinkle.I’dmissedtheentireprogression.
“SoI’llseeyoutomorrow,inclass?”heasked.
“Yeah.Andthanksagainfortheumbrellacoverage.”
Takingafewsteps,Iturnedtoseeifthey’dalreadyturnedtoleave,onlytofindJakestaringrightatme.HisfaceturnedtomatoredandhejerkedhisheaddowntospeaktoSasha.
Icontinuedmyjourneytothelibrary.WhathadIlearned?
ThatJakewasstillniceenoughtosharehisumbrella.
Hewasadogperson.Surprisingtome,butmaybehealwayshadbeen.
Hehadanexwhonolongerhadjointpetcustody.
Hisornerydoglikedme.
Whenheblushed,hisearsblazedbrightpink.
Andhuh.Ienjoyedthecompany.MainlySasha’s,ofcourse.
Hikingupmywaterloggedjeans,Ienteredthelibraryandinhaledthesmellofboundbooksandthearomaofagedwoodfromthebookshelves,floors,andtables.Thecombinationofscentstriggeredapleasingfeelingofnostalgiafrommyearliestcollegememories,hangingoutinthelibrarieswithfriendsI’dmadeinthedorms.Ifoundanisolateddeskawayfromthecrowdsandplacedmybagonanadjacentchair.Theseatshadlowbacks,whichmeanthangingmysweatshirtwouldresultinhalfofitbuncheduponthefloor,whichwashardlydesirable.Ikepteverythingonandhopedthatthewarmairpumpingthroughtheventilationsystemwouldeventuallydryme.
Ilaidoutmytextbook,notebook,andrainbowassortmentoffelt-tippensasagoldenstreamofsunlightfloodedthroughthewindow,castinganoverexposedglowonallmybelongings.OfcoursethesunwouldreappearthemomentIenteredthelibrary.Isighedandglancedoutside,observingtheyouthfulcropofCarlthorpestudentswalkinginandoutofthesurroundingbuildings.Itwasastrangefeelingtonolongerbeamongtheyoungestgenerationofadultsanymore.Ihadtobetheoldestundergradstudentoncampus,andI’dneverfeltsooutofplaceinmyentirelife.
Getittogether,Lily.Ageisnotyouridentityandyoudon’thaveanexpirationdate.It’sjustanartificiallimitationinyourmind.
IhadjustzippedmybackpackclosedwhenamuffledWOMPWOMPsoundemittedfromthefrontinteriorcompartment.Mytextbooksandgymclothesmutedthesoundofmymom’sringtoneasitrangasecondtime,WOMPWOMMMMMP.Itwasthesadtrombonesoundeffect,whichI’dassignedtoUmmaaftershemessagedmeforthemillionthtime,askingaboutmyjobandmymovebacktoCarlthorpe.
“Hello?”Iwhispered.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Icalledoverandoveragain.”
Yeah,Inoticed.“Sorry,Umma,butIcan’ttalkrightnow.I’minthelibrary.Studyinghard.”IaddedthelastpartbecauseIknewshewouldconsiderthatmoreimportantthanalmostanythingelse.
“Didyougetpackage?IsendsomethingfromAmazon.”
I’dgottenapackageearlierintheday.SnailmucusK-beautyeyecreamtodepuffthebagsundermyeyes,vitaminCsupplements,andaboxofginsengtea.Honestly,Ithoughtitwasamisdelivery.Goodtoknowitwasfrommymom.Herversionofacarepackage.
“Yes,thankyou.I’llusethemsoon.IhavetogowriteapaperforthatclassI’mtaking.”
“Gostudy.Don’tforgeteyecreamonceaday.Twoifyouhavebaggyeye.”
“Okay.Gamsahamnida!Andgeokjeonghajimaseyo.”Don’tworry,Umma.
Sheendedthecall,tellingmetotakethesupplementssoIwouldn’tgetsick.
OnceIenteredmythirties,myparentsandIchattedonlyonceaweek,alwaysonSundays.Thesecallsweremorecheck-insthanactualconversations,rarelylastinglongerthanfiveminutes.Forthemostpart,myparentsfocusedprimarilyonmysister’slife,asshestartedherownmedicalpracticeandgavebirthtotwins.Butnow,afterhearingIwasgoingbacktoschool,mymomwasallupinmybusiness.Didsheknowdeepdownthatsomethingwasn’tright?Orwasthistheonlywaysheknewhowtofeelusefuland“motherly”—bybadgeringmeaboutmyhealth,studying,andgrades,asifwewerewindingbacktheclocktoatimesheandmydadhadhadabiggerimpactonmylife?Itookadeepbreathandexhaledslowly.Hopefullyshewouldchilloutsoon,becausethelastthingIneededrightnowwasmorepressurefromtwodomineering,meddlingparentswithprioritiesthatdidn’talignwithmine.
Icrackedopenthetextbookandbeganreading,withmyyellowhighlighterinhand.Imadeitthroughonechapterwithoutanystudybreaksorphonenotificationinterruptions,butwhileskimmingmorepagestogetaheadforthenextassignment,myminddriftedbacktomyrainy-dayencounterwithmyex.WhatwoulditbeliketobefriendswithJakenow?Hedidn’thavetooffertohelp,buthehad,andthisactofselflessnesshadprotectedmefromthetorrentialrain.Itwasgentlemanlyandthoughtful,butnotfarbeyondwhataTAwoulddoforastudentinastorm.
Istaredoutthewindow,lettingmymindcontinuetodrift.Iglancedtowardthesky,watchingmoreraysofsunshinepushthroughtheclouds.Therainhadfullystoppedandsunlighthadfinallybrokenthroughtheheather-graybillows,givingthemametallicshimmer.
Therewasthatpopularsayingthateverycloudhasasilverlining.Thateverybadsituationholdssomepromiseorpossibility.
Couldthesecloudsbeametaphorformylife?Wasthereasilverlining?AnddidJakeChorepresentthecloudorthesilverlining?
MymouthtwitchedintoaslightsmileasIfocusedonthewordsonthepageChapterThirteen
JakeChoshoweduptotheCSclassthenextdaywithacat.
Oritcouldhavebeenaraccoon.Itwashardtoseefrommyseat.Itwasinapetcarrier,andalittleblack-maskedfacewithstarkblueeyespressedagainstthemetalgratewhileJakepulledtheprofessorasideandexplainedratherloudlythathehadanemergencyandcouldn’tstay.Hewouldbeavailableforofficehourslaterthatafternoonafterhegotbackfromthevet.
I’dhadmydoubtsbefore,butthisconfirmedeverythingIknewaboutJake.Ofcoursehewouldbeadogpersonandacatperson.Mostpeoplefallneatlyintofelineorcanineorpossiblyneither.I’dactuallypeggedhimasneither,beingsononcommittal.
Jakewasnotlikemostpeople.Backincollege,hewassometimeslikeanalientome:thekindofpersonwhopreferrednon-edgepiecesofbrownies.Someonewhonotonlyloved,butpreferred,blackjellybeans.Andthetypeoftravelerwhorantothedeparturegateattheairportjustastheplanedoorswereclosing,cuttingitsoclosethatpassengersgroanedwhenheboarded.
Wereweincompatibleorcomplementary?Afteralltheseyears,Istilldidn’tknow.
Althoughhehadlefttheclassroom,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkaboutwhathewaslikeathomewithhistwopets.Didhetalktothemingoofyvoices?Didhegivethemgoofyvoices?Washisfloorcoveredwithsqueakytoys?
Someonesaidmyname.
“—Lee,GracePak,andEthanChang.Thisgroupistheonlyonewhofollowedalltheinstructions.Class,thisisyouronlywarning:startingthisweekyou’llgetpointsdockedfromyourgroupprojectgradesifyoudon’tfollowdirections.It’sareflectionofyourwork,andnoonewantssloppy,incompletedeliverables.Especiallynotforthisclass.”
WhileIdidn’talwayslovethistypeof“showingpraisetodemonstratealesson”approachtoteaching,anysortofpositiveaffirmationthesedayswasawin.Ethansattomyright,andhemouthed,“WegotanAplus!Yesssss!”whilegrinningatme.
Honestly,ifIwastwenty-two-year-oldLilyrightnow,Iwouldbesointohim.Hisplayfuldarkeyes,purposefullyunrulyhair,andbarelytheredimplesweretodiefor…damn.TheonlyotherguyI’dseenwithafacelikehiswasononeofmyfavoriteK-dramas,andhewasthousandsofmilesawaylivingonadifferentcontinent.Ethancouldseriouslybethatactor’sbodydouble.
“Canyoubelievetheprofessorknowswhowearenow?”Ethanwhispered.
Mylipscurvedintoawidesmile.“Yes,hedoes!”Evenbetter,weearnedthispraisewithoutanyspecialhelpfromacertainTA.
Whentheclassended,Ethanasked,“Whatareyoudoingtonight?”
BeforeIcouldpanicaboutwhatexactlyhewasfishingfor,hequicklyadded,“BecauseabunchofusaregoingtoPJ’sfratpartytonight.”
“PJ’sinafraternity?”Hewasaskateboarding,man-bun-wearing,baggy-clothedguy.EthanlookedmorefrattythanPJ.Hell,evenIlookedmorefrattythanPJ.
Ethangrinned.“Iknow—hisbrotherwastheSigmaMupresidentafewyearsagoandPJkindofhadtojoin.Believeitornot,hefitsinwelltherewhenhe’sinhiselement.”
“Andwhatishiselement?”
“Drunk.”Ethan’seyesglintedwithamusement.
IrarelywenttoGreekpartiesincollegethefirsttimearound.TheverythoughtofgoingtenyearslaterwastooWillFerrellinthemovieOldSchoolforme.
Nope.Notgonnahappen.“I’llpass.Butthankyoufortheoffer.”
“Well,ifyouchangeyourmind,itstartstonightateight.It’sthehousewithbluewindowsanddoorsonBrightonAlley.Andyoucan’tmisstheSigmaMuletters,theylightuplikeamotelvacancysign.Givesoffbugzappervibes.”
Ismiledtomyselfaswepartedways.DuckingintotheCommonstograbacoffee,ItextedJakewhilewaitinginlinetopay.Aftertyping,editing,anddeletingmymessageoverandoveragain,Iendedupwiththreebrilliantwords:How’sthecat?
Hewrotebackquickly.Bandithadanabscessedmolarandtheyremovedit.God,soexpensive
Headded:There’snothingworsethangradinghomeworkwithacatwailingbyyourfeetallnight.Atleastitwasalegitreasonandnotherjustwantingattentionortreats.She’sstayingthenightforobservationforinfection.Thxforasking?
IswipedmyIDattheregisterandmynewphotoappearedon-screen.Seeinganunfiltered,uneditedimageofmyfaceonaveryhigh-resmonitorwasnotsomethingIwouldevergetusedto,evenifIboughtfoodanddrinksoncampusmultipletimesadayandwasforcedtoseemyselfwitheverysnackandcaffeinepurchase.Istillcouldn’tgetoverhowthisphotographwaspossiblyworsethananyhighschoolyearbookimage,corporatesecuritybadgepicture,ordouble-chin-angledselfietakenbysomeonewithshortarms.DefinitelyworsethanmypreviousstudentIDphoto.Myunsmilingpassportmugshotlookedbetterthanthis,andthatwassayingsomething.
First,therewastheghastlylighting.Fluorescentofcourse,withtheilluminationofmaybeonehundredringlights.
Second,theangle.Thecamerawaspositionedsoitwasdirectlyinfront,butitwasalsoslightlylowerthanmyhead,andasanyonewithanonexistentjawlinecouldtellyou,thisisnotauniversallylovedcameraposition.
Andlast,myskin.Whatwasgoingonwithmybreakouts?Mynightstoilingoverrequiredreading,homeworksets,andcareerresearchduringmystudybreakshadtakenatollonme.Iwasprobablytheonlyundergradstudentherewithbothwrinklesandpimples.
Thecashierglancedatthescreenandsaid,“Youmayneedtoreplenishyourdiningfunds.You’redowntoonehundreddollarsandyou’reinherealot.”
Already?Ihadn’tthoughtabouttheimpactofmydailycaffeinehabitinNewYork,butnowthatIhadafixedbudget,withmostofmysavingsfunnelingtowardtuitionandhousing,Ineededtobemorecareful.
Aheartfeltsmilespreadacrossherface.“ButIdoloveseeingyou.Takecare,hon.”
ItookmyicedcoffeetoawindowseatfacingtheCSbuildingandtextedMia.
IgotinvitedtoafratpartyLOL
YOUHAVETOGO!What’sthetheme?
Theme?Bingedrinking.Hangovers.Possiblyregrettablesex?
NoooolikeShotsandThots,BrosandHos,theGreatFratsby
Whatareyoueventalkingabout?AndhowdoyouknowsomuchaboutGreekpartylife?Didn’twehangoutincollegeallthetime?WereyousneakingouttopartieswhenIwenttosleep???
Nocomment.Butfigureoutthethemeanddresstotheninesifyougo.Otherwiseyoulooklikeanasshole
IfIGOI’lllooklikeanasshole.WHOBROUGHTTHEIRMOM?—everyone
OkayMILF-typesatafratpartyareaplus,notaminus.Youarelookingatthisallwrong
Thisconversationhadtakenasharpturn,andinfactwasbarrelingdownanicyroadwithshittybrakes.IthoughtforsureMiawouldlaughherassoffknowingthatmyeveningcouldincludekegsofNattyLight.ButnowIwascurious:Wastherereallyapartytheme?
ImessagedEthan.What’sthethemefortheparty?I’mcurious(butnotgoing)
It’scolorthemed,maybeblackandwhite?WhatcanIdoorsaytoconvinceyoutogo??
Iwaswelloutofpracticeoncollege-agedtextingbut…wasthataflirtywinkingface?Ora“harharwinkwinkwebothknowyou’renotreallycomingsoooooo”face?
LikemyconversationwithMia,thishadpotentialtoderailquickly.Ididn’trespond,andplacedthephoneonthecounterwhileIdrankmycoffeeandstaredoutthewindow.Ared-baseball-cap-wearingJakeheadedintotheCSbuilding,returningforofficehours.Hewascat-less,andfiveminutesearly.
Isippedandobserved.Steadystreamsofstudentswalkedoutofthescienceandengineeringbuildings.Itwaslunchtimeandhordesofundergradsheadedtowardthetwomaindiningestablishmentsoncampus.Ididn’twanttobethatoldpersonwhowenton“backinmyday”tirades,butbackinmyday,kidslookedandbehaveddifferently.Wedidn’tcarrygiganticwaterflasks,paradingthemaroundlikecampusstatussymbols.Nordidwehaveanextremedichotomybetweenstudentswearingpajamaswithknock-offUGGstoclassandthefancieroneswhoworeMonclerbeanies,CanadaGooseparkas,andPradabootswhentheweatherdroppedbelowfiftydegreessomemornings.Andtocontinuewithmyclothingcomplaints,sincewhendidthelarger-sizeladies’shirtsintheStudentUnionbarelyfitovermyboobs?IboughtanXLCarlthorpelogoshirtanditbarelyfit.WhendidtheXLsgetsosmall?
IcaughtaglimpseofatrioofgorgeousgirlswalkingintotheCSbuilding,allcarryingChihuahua-size,pastelreusablebottlesandtheyweremostdefinitelynotwearingXLanything.Thesewaifycollegegirlslookednothinglikemypeersfromadecadeago.Styleandfashionhadobviouslychangedovertheyears,buttheseyoungwomenglowed.Theywerepluckedandhighlightedandmicrobladed,thingsIhadn’tevenknownaboutuntilIwasthirty.Inmyold,oversizeblack-and-white-stripedMadewellboyfriendshirtandhigh-waisteddarkdenimjeanswithnobelt,Ifeltdumpy,likeafreshlywashedusedcardrivingbehindagarbagetruckonthefreeway,gettingpeltedbybitsoftrashskimmingoffthetop.
Iwasn’ttheonlyonewhonoticedthethreeofthem:theycaughttheeyesofmanyscienceandengineeringmajors,theirjawshangingwhiletheygawkedinthemostunsubtleofways.
MystomachchurnedwhenIrealizedwhythegirlslookedsofamiliar.TheyweretheonessittinginfrontofmeonthefirstdayofCSclass.ThestudentswhowerecollectivelyhotforJacobtheTA.TheoneswhowerenowvisitingsaidTAforofficehours.
MaybethesethreeundergradswereseekingsomeguidanceoracademicassistancefromJake,anditwasassimpleasthat.Sowhatifallthreeofthemhadcommentedabouthisphysicalappearance…anddidn’tappreciatehisdesert-dryhumorandhisactsofkindness…andonlysawahandsomeface,powerfulchest,musculararms,andperfectlyfittingtees.Whocaredifthesestudentsweren’tinterestedinthewell-beingofhiscat?
Apparently,Idid.
Asenseofurgencyjoltedmeintoaction.IthrewawaymytrashandwalkedtotheCSbuilding.Pushingtheelevatorbutton,thenrisingslowlytothefourthfloor,itoccurredtomethatIhadnogameplan.I’dalreadyfinishedtheweek’slesson.Andthefollowingweek’soneaswell.Ihadnoquestionsabouttheassignmentsorgrading.WasitevenwisetobeinJake’sofficealonewithhim,givenourhistory?
DING!
ThedoorsopenedandIsteppedoutintothegradstudentofficewing.Eventhoughthebuildingwasfairlynew,thehallshadanold-schoolsmelltothem,likepolishedwoodenfloorsandthefaintaromaofdripcoffeewaftingdownthecorridor.Cream-coloredwallswerelinedwithcorkboardspromotingevents,seminars,andjobopportunitiesforstudentswithCSdegrees.Afewyardsdown,alongwoodenbenchinfrontofthegradstudents’andprofessors’officeswasoccupiedbytwofemalestudentsI’dseenearlier.
TheybothstartledatmypresencewhenIapproached.
Onegirlelbowedtheother.“Nooneusesofficehoursbutus.Weirdtoseesomeoneelsehere.”
Iplunkeddownontheemptysideofthebenchandacknowledgedthecomment.“Ihaveafewclarifyingquestionsaboutthelastlectureandit’sprobablyeasiesttojustaskinpersoninsteadofemail.”Idon’tknowwhyIbotheredtosayanything,eventhoughwhatIsaidwastrue.It’snotliketheyweretheofficehoursgatekeepers.
Thetallerofthetwocommented,“We’reusuallyheretogetabetterunderstandingofwhatwascoveredinclass.Alotgoesovermyheadandweneedsomeindividualizedattention.”
Theotheronesnorted.“Yeahright,you’retotallyhereforthesakeoflearning.”
“Hey.”Tallergirlshotheralook.“There’snocrimeinbetteringoureducationwhileatthesametimeadmiringourTAeyecandy.Maybeweshouldcometoofficehourstwiceaweekinstead,sowecanaskevenmoreclarifyingquestions.”
Shorteronenodded.“Soundsgood.”Shelookedatme.“Thanksforthatidea.”
Yes,Lily,thanksforgivingthemthatidea.
Thedoorcreakedopenandthethirdstudentcameout,winkingunsubtlyatherfriends.“Who’snext?”sheasked.
Thepaironthebenchstoodatthesametimeandthetalleronesaidtome,“We’llbequick.Webothhavetobesomewheresoonandhavethesamequestionsand,um,mutualinterests.”
Theywalkedintotheofficeandtheothermemberoftheirtriotookaseatnexttome.Shepulledouthermakeupbagfromherpurseandexaminedherselfinhercompactmirror.“Ohgreat,mymascara’ssmudged.Ihopehedidn’tnotice.”
He,meaningJake?Thetwingeinmystomachreturned.
Afteracoupleofminutes,Iheardlaughtereruptfromtheroom.WhatwasIevendoinghere?Jakeneededtodohisownthing,andIneededtodomine.Wewereplayingnicenowandtherewasnoreasontocomplicateorconfusethings
Ididn’tneedtobehere.Itwasstupidofmetoshowup.
Stumblingtomyfeet,Iunzippedmycoattoproviderelieftomyrisingbodytemperatureandquickeningheartbeat.Slowlybreathinginandout,tryingtomaximizelungcapacity,Igatheredmybelongings.
Theofficedoorcreakedopenandlaughterrangdownthehallway.Ratherthanstay,Imarchedtotheelevatorandhitthedownbuttonseveraltimes.
Hurryup,hurryup!Theelevatorgrumbledasitroseafewfloors,butthenitstoppedonalowerlevel.
“Seeyounextweek,Jacob.Huh,therewassomeonesittingherebutshe’sgonenow.”
Icouldn’twaitanylonger.Runningdownfourflightsofstairs,IburstthroughthemainentrancedoubledoorswithahardpushandnearlytrippedovermyownfeetasIfollowedtheflowofstudentsexitingthebuilding.Breathinghardfromtheburstofcardio,Iveeredlefttoheadbacktomyapartmenttostudy.OnceIgothomeandrereadmynotes,I’demailJakeanyquestions.Afarbetteruseofmytimeandenergy.
***
IDROPPEDMYbackpackinthehallwayandtookoffmyrunningshoes,hardlynoticingapairofshinysilverpointy-toeflatsthatdidn’tbelongtomeortoBeth.
Miapoppedherheadoutofmybedroomdoorway.“Surprise!Didyouseemyfancynewfootwear?Itreatedmyselftonewshoesbecauseyourgirljustlandedanewstart-upclient!”
“Congratulations!”Ihuggedher.“Butwhyareyouhereandnotcelebrating?”
Shelaughed.“Areyoukiddingme?HowcouldInotcelebratewithmybestfriend?Andyou’regoingoutwithmetonight.Promise?”
“Ofcourse!I’llputmystudyingasideforonenightforyou.Wherearewegoing?Areyoubuying?”
Awickedgrinandaglintinhereye…ohno,shewasuptosomething.
“Wherewe’regoing,thedrinksarefree.Thefratparty!”
“What?Noway.No!”
Shepleadedwithpuppy-dogeyes.“C’mon.Thinkaboutit,youandmescopingoutwhatGreeklifeislikenowfromasinglewomaninherthirties’perspective?IcansellthisshittoHollywoodoneday!Pleeeeease?”
Isquintedmyeyesather.“You’retellingmeyouwanttocelebratelandinganewpublicityclientbygoingtoaSigmaMupartytonight?”
Iexpectedsomelevelofhesitationbuttherewasnone.“Yes!Absolutely.Itwillbethestorywetellourgrandkids.Anyway,trustme,asaPRandpublicityexpert,I’mtellingyouthisisworthdoingbecauseyou’llnevergetthischanceagain.”
Herconfidenceandenthusiasmwereusuallyinfectious,butno,thiswasn’thappening.Whilethewordsleavinghermouthwerealltrueanditreallywouldmakeahilariousstoryoneday,Iwantednopartofanyofthis.
“Iwasn’tbigonstranger-dangerpartiesbackthen,sowhywouldnowbeanydifferent?Plus,we’reinourthirties!Cougarmuch?”
Ipursedmylipstight.Whywasshepushingsohardforthis?
Sheheldupherindexfinger.“Holdon.”ThenMialeftmyroomandcamebackwithmyroommate.
“EvenBethhereiscomingwithustotheparty.”
Myroomie’seyebrowspulledintoadeepV.“What?IwasplanningtobakeacobblerandwatchHocusPocus.YousaidifIcameinhere,you’dhelpmebake.”
“AndIwill,afterwegetback.Thepointis,Lily,thatevenyourhappy-go-luckyMaryPoppinsroommateisgoingnow.”
“Iam?AndyouthinkI’mlikeMaryPoppins?Ilovethatmovie!JulieAndrewsismyidol!”
“Yeah,Ifigured.”Mialookedstraightintomyeyes.“I’mnotlettingyoubecomeasolitudinarian.Wedidn’tdoanythingfunbackinundergradbecauseweweretoobusystudyingand,I’llgoaheadandsayit,wewerepoor.PoorbyCarlthorpestandards.”SheturnedtoBeth.“Ourclassmatesbackthenweren’tjustWallStreetManhattanwealthy,someofthosekidsgotbothsailboatsandcarsfortheireighteenthbirthdays.”
Mialookedbackatmeandpleaded,“Nowyou’refinallyinapositionwhereyouhavethemeansandyou’renotgoingtofailoutofschoolthistimeoranything.Nooffense.So,let’shavesomefun.Letloosealittle.”
Admittedly,mytimeincollegewasnotwhatIwouldcallmy“gloryyears.”Therewasbarelytimeforpartying.Butyouknow,Ineverreflectedonthattimeinmylifeandthought,Myonedeepregretinlifeisneverdoingkegstandsandmakingoutwithsomeoneinafrathousebasementinthesamenight.
Bethsaid,“Roomie,you’refrowning.Youbeingallsadrightnowhurtsmysoul.It’slikewatchingJerrySpringerhip-hopdancingonTikTok.Idon’twannaseethat.Notever.No,ma’am.”
Whatwasthis,astagedintervention?DidIreallyneedone?Maybetheywererightaboutonething…whenIwasoutofmyelement,IroutinelytriedtocontrolwhatIcouldandthatusuallyledtoapredictable,straight-and-narrowpath.WasthatwhyI’dstayedatmypreviouscompanyforsolong?Maybeitwasn’tinertia.Haditbeenfearallalong?Iwasnevergoodatchangingcourseortryingnewthings.MaybethisonetimeIcouldbrieflysteermyselfintounchartedwaterswiththisnewforceofwindinmysail.
“Fine,”Imuttered.“Onlyforashortwhile.Thenwecanbakeandeatsomecelebrationpie.”
Mia’sgazeflickeredbetweenBethandme.“Yes!Thankyou!”
Bethclapped.“I’mexcited.Allthreeofushangingoutforanightonthetown!”
“Onehour,tops,”Isaidfirmly.
Miahuggedmeagain,andthenwrappedherarmsaroundBethandsqueezed.“Thanksforhelpingmeout.Ioweyouone.I’llgobuysomevodka,it’sonme.”
Bethgiggled.“Anytime!Justaquickquestionthough.Whatpartyarewegoingtoagain?”ChapterFourteen
Turnsouttherewasonethingworsethanshowinguptoafratpartyinyourthirties.
Showinguptoafratpartyinyourthirtieswhileintoxicatedandwearingthewrong-themedcostume
Ethanhadmentionedblackandwhite,butIshouldhaveknownbetterthantotrustsomeonewhofrequentlyreadRedditonhisphoneduringCSlecturesinsteadoffollowingalongwiththelesson.
Mia,Beth,andIdiscoveredfartoolatethatitwasastoplight-themedpartyasweapproachedthecrowdofdrunkguests.
Red.Yellow.Green.Everywhere.
Noblack.Nowhite.
Aswepushedthroughthesweatydancingandswayingbodiesneartheentrance,wewerebarragedwithquestionsaboutourall-blackoutfits.
ItwasMiawhocameupwiththebestreply.“We’reastoplightwhenyoulosepower.”
“Ohhh,likeablackout.Verycool!”Someonewithsleepyeyesgaveushighfives.
AndthiswaswhyMiawasathink-on-her-feetPRsuperstar,evenwhenshewasplastered.Withnosmartretortofmyown,andrepeatingwhatMiahadsaidtoanyonewhoasked,thiswasalsowhyIwasafourteenth-yearstudentwithnojobprospects.
Inthefarbackcorner,aDJwasspinningactualvinylrecordsratherthanshufflingaplaylistonhisphone.HewaswearingaCarlthorpecapandabaggyRastafarian-inspiredshirtthatcoveredallthecolorbasesforthethemedparty.Thebassthunderedthroughthespeakers,causingmychesttovibrate.Nooneelseseemedtomindthehummingandthrobbingeffectthemusichadontheirbodies.Itwasn’tlikeIwasimaginingit:theguynexttomehadafullcupofbeeranditsloshedinhishand.
Wegotonlyasfarasthefrontroombeforecomingtoafullstop.Noonewasmovingatall,whichwasn’tonlybadsocially,butitalsoledtostagnantairflow.Notidealforahousereekingofbeer/cologne/perfume/BO.WereGreekpartiesalwayslikethis?Ididn’thavemanydatapointsfrommypastforcomparison.
IturnedtoaskMiaifshe’dhadherfilloffratfunsowecouldabortthismission,andinsteadencounteredagirlinafittedgreendresswhoshovedaredSolocupfulloffrothyroom-temperaturebeerintomyhand.“Reallyclevercostume!”sheadmired.
“Theysayblackisthenewred-yellow-green!”Ethanshouted,slidingupbehindmeinhisElvis-esquewhitejumpsuit.“I’msosorryItoldyouthewrongtheme.WouldithelpifItoldyouIwascolor-blind?”
Icockedmyhead.“Areyou?”
Heshovedhishandsintohispockets.“No,butIalsodon’twantyoutobemadatme.”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.“Itcouldhavebeenwayworse.Youcouldhavesaid‘noblemenandwenches’andIwouldhavebelievedyou.Wearingblackorwhiteisnobigdeal.”AndifIwasgoingtobehonestwithmyself,wearingallblackneverfailedme.Blackwasflattering.Blackhidthings.ThelastthingIneededwastodresslikeawalkinghighlighter,bringingattentiontomylumps,ridges,andsquishyspots.
“Normallyifyouworeallblackyou’dbehardtofind,butinthisseaofgreens,yellows,andreds,blackactuallystandsout,”hejoked.
StandingoutatafratpartywasdefinitelynotwhatIwanted.Ineededtoblendin—ifanyonedaredtotagmeinphotosonlineordugintomypastandexposedmycurrentwhereabouts,itcouldendmyauthorcareerandanyfuturejobprospects.I’dbecanceledinaheartbeatwiththeheadline“LILYLEEISALIARANDAFRAUD,ANDSHEGOESTOFRATPARTIES.”Andtheywouldn’tbewrong.
Hetookalargestepbackandspunaround.“I’mwearingthewrongthingtoo,soIdidn’tgetthememoeither.OrmaybeIdid,andIjumbledthemessagefromPJ.”
Ismirked.“Whiteistrickyandhardtopulloff,butyouwearitwell.”
Bethlookedaround,takingslowsipsfromhercup.“Whoa,it’ssocolorfulhere.LiketheLithuanianflag!”
“Likethewhat?Whydoyouevenknowthat?”Miacackled.
“Whydoyounot?”Bethsaid,dishingitrightbackwithalaugh.
“AreyoutwofriendswithLil?I’mEthan.”
“Beth.I’mherroommate.”Theyshookhandsandsheturnedtome.“WhydoeshegettocallyouLil?”
Mianarrowedhereyesinmydirection.“Yeah,I’veneverbeenabletocallyouLil.”ShesaidtoEthan,“I’mLily’sfriendfromhome,herefortheweekend.”
“Shoot,Iforgot,shewantstobecalledLily.”Hegrinned.“WasshealwaysaCSwhiz?She’ssinglehandedlyboostingourgroupgrade.”
“Single-handedly?Isshenow?”Miaaskedsuspiciously,crossingherarms.
Itookasipofbeer.“I’mnothalf-assinganythingthistime.I’mfull-assingalltheway.”
MialookedatEthanandBeth.“Isfull-assingarealthing?Whatthehelldoes‘half-ass’evenmean?Itmakesyouwonderwhereidiomsandphrasesarederivedfrom.IwasanEnglishmajor,ifyoucouldn’talreadytell.Whatareyoutwomajoringin?”
BethandEthansaid“Psychology”atthesametime.ThentheyhadasideconversationabouttheirclasseswhileIwhisperedtoMia,“Canwegonow?Wecan’tevengetfarinsidethehouse.We’vebeeninthisdoorwayareafor,like,tenminutes.”
Sheliftedherchin.“You’reright.ButIhaveaplan.”
“What?”
Miashotmeawickedgrin.“Followme!”
Goingaroundtheoutsidetothebackofthehousewasfarmorechallengingthananyofusthoughtitwouldbe.First,itinvolvedmovingsinglefilewhileshimmyingsideways,becausethewoodenfencealongsidethepropertywasmaybeafootandahalffromthebuildingatmost…andithadsplinters,whichIfoundoutthehardway.Second,therewassomethingthatresembledanairconditionerthatwasnotonlyon,andblowingheatupward,butitwasalsoblockingussoweeachhadtoclimboverit.Andfinally,becauseIwaswearingaskirtandwastoointoxicatedforfinemotorcontrol,thewholecrawling-over-the-blowing-device-while-air-shot-upwardplanturnedouttobeadisastrousmistake.Onethatmyfriendscouldnotunsee.
ItriedtopullthefabricdownwhileMiaandBethhelpedmeoffthehotmetalairbox.Luckilytheonepersonaroundwhodidn’tseemewasEthan,whowastoobusymakinghiswaystraighttowardthebackpatio,wheresnacksanddrinkssatontopofagreenPing-Pongtable.Herantowardthem,armsoutstretched,likehewasreunitingwithalong-lostrelativeattheairport.
“Wait,where’smybeer?”Iasked,lookingovermyshouldertoseeifI’dleftitbehindme.
Miasaid,“Ihaveit.Orhadit…Ichuggedthewholething,hopingtoflushoutthatimageofyouMarilynMonroe–ingit,withyourskirtflappingeverywhere,butIthinkIneedmorealcohol.”
Ethaneruptedintoacheer.“Wedidit!Therearechips!Andakeg!”Thereliefinhisvoicemadeitsoundlikehehadbeenstrandedonanislandandacrateofsupplieshadmiraculouslywashedashore.“I’minheaven!”heswooned
Grabbingtwocupsofbeerfilledtothebrim,EthanhandedthemovertoMiaandBeth.
“Whataboutmine?”Iclosedmyeyesandthepatiowentspinning.“Nevermind.”
Whiletheothersdrank,Ipointedtothehousenextdoor.“IsthatanotherGreekhouse?Ifnot,theymusthaaaateallthis.”Myhandfloppedbackandforth.“Allthis.Stuff.”
Miagrabbedmyshoulders.“Girl,it’sonlynineo’clock.Wehadonlytwodrinkseach!Getittogether!”
Ethanhandedmeacupofkettlechips.“Thismighthelpsoakupthealcohol.Ohheyyyyy!PJ’shere!”
Hepointedbacktowardthehouse,wherePJemergedfromthebackdoor,wearingaTribeCalledQuesttee,redpants,andawidedrunkensmile.“Youcame!”HeranuptoEthanandmeandwentinforagrouphug,notrealizinghehadacupinhishandandwaspouringsomeoftheliquidcontentsontomyshoes.
Ifrownedatmybeer-tingedboots.“Atleastitisn’topen-toe-sandalseason.”
Bethnodded.“Orrealsuede.”
AfewguyscameovertorufflePJ’shair.Twoofthemworebaseballcapsandtheotherguyworeaterry-clothsweatbandwiththeSigmaMuemblem.Withinseconds,alargepackofpartygoersmadetheirwayontothepatio.TheinstantswelltriggeredmyrapidbreathingasIlookedforaquickexit.Thehousewasfartherawaynowthatwehadmigratedtowardthebackcornerofthedeck.
“I…Ineedtoleave,”Iwhispered.
MiatookonelookatmyfaceandknewIwasn’tjoking.SheaskedPJ,“Canyougetusoutofhere?Lilydoesn’tdowellwithcrowds.Orenclosedareas.Orpartypeople.”
Afewheatlampswereturnedon,andtheaironthecoveredpatiobecamewarmandripewithsweatandbeerstench.Iswiveledmyheadtofindafasterwaytoescape.Goingthroughthehousewouldbebadintermsofthenumberofbodiespersquarefoot.Squeezingdownthesideofthehouseagainwastricky,becauseitinvolvedintoxicatedclimbingand,ofcourse,flashingpeople.Butofmytwooptions,theflashingwayoutwasthebetterone.
Frombehind,PJgrabbedmyshouldersandsteeredmetowardanondescriptsectionofthefence.“Push.”
Ipushed.
Itopened.
Amagicpassage.
Withinamatterofseconds,wewereontheothersideofthebarrier,onanadjacentlot.Floodlightsaroundthepropertyallflickedonatonce.Asmalldogbarkedatthewindowofacharmingtwo-storyCraftsman.WhenIwavedatthepupandshouted,“Hi,puppy!”itquieteddownandwaggeditstail.
PJlaughed.“Thatdoghateseveryone.I’mimpressed.”
Ethangroanedasheranhishandsalongthefence.“Shit!Canwegetbackin?Ileftmychipsanddrink.”
“It’shardtoseethehiddenopening,justkeeppushingandpulling.Thispropertywe’reonusedtobeasorority,andthissecretentrybetweenthetwohousesiswellknownamongtheGreekcommunity.”
WhileEthancontinuedtofeelupthewoodslatstorescuehisbeerandsnacks,IsaidtoPJ,“Thankyouforthequickexit.Itwastoomuchforme.”
PJnodded.“Noproblem.Thanksforshowinguptonight.Gracehadanorchestraperformance,soshecouldn’tmakeit.”
“Awww,look!”Bethpointedatthewindow.Thedogwasnolongerthere.Initsplacewasaneerilyfamiliarjudgycat.Furryfacewithablackmasquerade-likemask.Piercingeyes.
“Hey,Lily.”
IgaspedasJakewalkeddownthedriveway.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Idemanded.
Hepointedatthehouse.“That’swhereIlive.Andthat’stheguardcat,Bandit,whoisamuchhappierkittynowafterheroralsurgery.Andtechnically,you’retrespassing,soIthinkthemoreimportantquestionis,whyareyouhere?AndwhyareyouandyourCharlie’sAngelsentouragedressedlikeyou’regoingtoburgleme?”
“Holyshit!JakeCho.”Miathrewherdrunkenarmsaroundhim.“LilytoldmeyouwereherTA,butseeingyouin3Dmakesitwaymorerealforme.”Shejumpedback.“Damn,youfilledout.Youbeenhittingthegym?”
Jakechuckled.“Mia,wow.Ihavebeen,actually,thanksfornoticing.Theyhaveagreatrock-climbingwallattheschoolfitnesscenternow.Ididn’tknowyouwerebackatCarlthorpetoo.AreyoubackoncampusforLily’sbookproject?”
“Whatbookproject?”Miaasked,ignoringmytelepathicpleastokeepquiet.“I’mjusthereforfun.She’stheonewhodidn’tgraduate,notme.”
Searingheatflushedmycheeksandneck,soberingmerightup.Shit.
Jake’sbrowsknittedtogether.“Isee.Sothismeansyou’rethechaperone?Areyoutheonlygraduateinthisgroup?”
Miashotmeanapologeticlook,realizingshe’ddisclosedtoomuch.“Ohfuck.Sorry,Lily.”
Ethanjumpedintotheconversation,ifthatwasevenwhatitwas.ItwasmorelikeaLilyroast.HelookedoveratthecupofbeerinPJ’shand.“Heya,TA!Justfortherecord,I’mGenZbutdrinkingage.SoisPJ.We’retwenty-one.NotlikeLilyandherfriend.”Heheldhishandsup.“Nooffensetoanyonehere.”
Bethchimedin,“Heynow,I’myoung,I’mtwenty-two.”HereyesdartedbackandforthbetweenMiaandme,thensheglancedoveratJake.“Nooffense.”
Jakesmirked.“Nooffensetaken.Don’tletmyhairmakeyouthinkI’mwayolderthaneveryonebyfiftyyears.I’mthesameageasLilyandMia.”
Beth’scheeksturnedbrightpinkasshetookafinalsipfromherredSolocup.“Thankgoodnessyou’renotmyTA,I’dbeembarrassedbythisentireencounter.Imagineseeingyourteacheratafratparty.”SheshotalookatmeOops.Sorry,Roomie.
Isatflatly,“Well,nowthatwe’veallacknowledgedtheancientelephantintheroom,andit’struethatIstilldon’thavemycollegedegree,thiswouldprobablybeagoodtimetogetgoing.Sorryaboutbargingontoyourproperty,Jake…er…Jacob.”IgrabbedMiaandBethbytheirelbowsandtriedtosteertheminthedirectionofthestreet.
Bethwriggledoutofmygrip.“FortheloveofTaylorSwift.Nomoretalkingdownonyourselflikethat,Roomie.No,ma’am!”
Mianodded.“Foronce,IactuallyagreewithBethaboutsomething.Butthatma’amthingstingsalittle.”
WelookedoveratPJandEthan,whohadabruptlylefttofigureouthowtoopenthehiddendooronthegate.
“Youknowwecanjustwalkaroundthefrontnowthatwe’reonJake’sproperty,right?”Mianoted.
PJnodded.“Yeah,butthedrinksarejustontheothersideofthisfence.Ifwegothroughthefront,it’slikeyoudiedinavideogame,youlostalife,andhavetostartalloveragain.Thefinallevelisjust”—herammedhisshouldersagainstthefence—“over.Here!”Thedoorfinallybudgedafewinches,whichwasalltheyneededforreentry.“Whowantstogoback?”
Bethraisedherhand.“Me!”
Mialookedatme.“ShouldIstaywithyou?”
Ishookmyhead.“Yougowiththem.Honestly,it’sokay.Icangethome.”
“Okay,I’llreportbackanyfunfindings.AndIpromisenottobringanyonebacktoyourroom.”MiagrinnedandjoinedBethjustbeforetheydisappearedtotheothersideofthefence.
ThisleftmealonewithJake,alongwithhisvoyeurdogandcat,bothofwhomwerestaringintentlyatusfromthewindow.
Thefloodlightssurroundingusclickedandtheentireyardfellintodarkness.
“I—Ishouldgetgoing.”Ipositionedmyfeettowardthecloseststreetlamp,theonlylightsourceotherthanpartyfairylightsliningthetopoftheneighboringfence.“Seeyoulater.”Ishuffledmyfeettowardtheroad,movingcarefullysoIwouldn’ttriporfallinthedark.
“Wait.”Jakegrabbedmyarm.Electricitycoursedthroughoutmybodyashishandmadecontact.Histouchwasfamiliar,butalsofeltdifferent,withanewfirmnesstoit.Asmyeyesadjustedtoashadowynightfall,IcouldseeJakesteppingclosertome.
“So,youdidn’tgraduate?”
AlthoughIdidn’towehimanyanswers,Ididfeelbadformisleadinghimbefore,especiallysincehe’dbeenofferingreconciliatorygesturesoverthelastweek.NowheknewwhyIwasbackoncampus.Ibowedmyheadandnodded.
“Whocaresifyoudidn’tgetyourdegree?Plentyofpeopledon’tfinishcollegeanddojustfine.Plus,you’reanauthornowandhaveaconsultingbusiness.Whogivesashit,especiallynow?”
Myshouldersslumped.“Well,Igiveashit.I’mtakingmySTEMrequirementformydegree,whichisnewbytheway,andI’mauditingastatsclasshopingtobeletineventually,andtakingoneotherclasselectivejustincase,tofulfilltherestofthecourseworktocompletemydegreeforrealthistime.”
“You’rebeingtoohardonyourself.”Thesoftnessinhisvoicerelaxedme.“Irespectyousomuchfordoingthisthough.AndI’mgladyou’reback.Andtheyaretoo.”Hepointedatthewindow,wherehispetsstareddownatus
Ismiled.“Thanks,Jake.”
Hishandshoverednearmyshoulders,likehewasdecidingwhetheritwasokaytohugme.Atthatmoment,Iwantedtofeelhistouchagain,tolethimresthisstronghandsonmeandstrokemyskinwithhisthumbs,likehedidwhenweweretogether,justtoseeiftheintimacywesharedallthoseyearsagohadanystayingpower.
Here,inthedarkness,JakeandIhadbentandtwistedtheprinciplesoftimetobringusbacktoourpastselves,withthetwoofusalone,exploringeachother.Eventhoughitwashardtosee,Itriedtofixmygazeonhisfaceandstudyit.IknewJakesointimatelybackthen.Theanglesofhisface.Theslightdimplingofhischin.Thetextureofhisthickhair.Hadsomuchtimepassedthatwewerebasicallystrangersagain?
Iplacedmyhandsonhischest,butthenIwobbledandstumbledbackafewsteps,dragginghimalongwithmeasIclutchedhisshirt,bumpingmybacksideintothedriver’s-sidedooroftheblackMazdaSUVparkedinhisdriveway.BeingpinnedagainstacarbyahotguyonabeautifulnightwasneversomethingIthoughtwouldactuallyhappentome,butherewewere.
Hewhispered,“Lily.”
Then,“Pleasedon’tgo.”
Thosethreewordssentmefree-fallingbackwardtooveradecadeearlier,teleportingmetoaspecificplace,date,andtime:thelastmomentIsawhim,onthemainwalkwayofcampus,peopleswishingbyandgoingabouttheirdaywhilewesomehowmovedinslowmotion.
Butitwasme,nothim,utteringthewords“Pleasedon’tgo.”
Urging.Imploring.Pleading.
Please.Don’t.Go.
Squeezingmyeyesshuttightbroughtmespiralingbacktothepresent.IpeeredthroughmylashesatJake,whohadchosentoleavemeallthoseyearsago.Irememberhowhelookedthatday:hisskinflushed,hisbreathingrapid,unabletolookmeintheeyes.Atypicalphysiologicalreactiontostress.Andwhenhehadtomakeagame-timedecision,hewentintofight-or-flightmode.
Andhefled.
Mygazefelltotheground.Droppingmyhandstomysides,Iflickedmyeyesovertothestreet.“I…Ibettergo.Thisisn’tagoodidea.”Iadded,“Wecan’tdothisagain.”Iwasn’tjustreferringtothepresentsituation.Iwastakingintoaccountourentirehistorytogether,becauseourpastdid,infact,matter.
AfterIleftCarlthorpe,ittookyearstofullyoverhaulmyemotionalwell-being.Itwasacompleterebuildafterbeingtakendowntothebarestuds.WasbeingwithJakenowworthriskingallofthisprogress?BecausenowthatIwasinmythirties,andasidefromthewholesetbackofgoingbacktocollege,Ihadrediscoveredhappiness.WasIbetteroffinhiscompany?Orwasbeingself-partneredthebestthingformerightnow?CouldIgrowandflourisharoundhimlikeIdidonmyown?
MaybeIwasn’temotionallyequippedenoughtogetrejectedalloveragain.Breakmyheartonce,shameonyou.Breakmyhearttwice,well,Ihaveonlymyselftoblame,right?HowcouldIpossiblyofferhimmyheartasecondtime…Iwasdisillusionedtothinkhewouldchoosemeovereverythingelse.Itwasn’tinhisnature.
No.Iwasn’tbraveenoughforanyofthat.AndaddingthecomplicationofJakebeingmyTA,anysortofrelationshipbetweenuswouldbeunprofessionalandforbidden.Whatneededtohappennextwasclear.
ItookalargestepawayfromJake.“I’mgoingtoheadhomenow.”
Thefloodlightsflickedbackon,temporarilydisorientingmeandblindingbothofus.
Whenmysightwasrestored,IcouldseeJakelookingatmewithregretful,soulfuleyes.“Wait,Ihavemyprioritiesstraightnow.LatelyI’vebeen—”
Icuthimoff.“Ineedtogo.Goodbye,Jake.”Iturnedmybacktohimandwalkedtothestreet.
Hesighed.“Bye…Lily.”
Webidoursadfarewellsagain,likewehadallthoseyearsago.ChapterFifteen
Theknockingonmybedroomdoorgrewlouderandmoreimpatient.
“Comein,”Imumbledintomypillow.
ItwasBeth,wearingflannelpajamaswithpinkfluffysheeponthem.Withherwideblueeyesandgoldenhairsplitintotwolongbraids,shelookedlikeshewastwelve.“Iwasworriedaboutyou.Broughtyouwarmmilkandcookies.”Shepausedandadded,“IcouldhearyousnifflingandIdon’trememberyoubeingsickearlier.”
Myroomwasdark—agoodthingbecauseuglycryinginyourthirtieswasexponentiallyuglierthaninyourtwenties.NowadayswhenIhadagoodemotionalsobfest,mycheeksturnedblotchyandmyeyesswelled,likeI’dbeenstunginthefacebyanangryswarmofbees.Atmyage,thesubsequentde-puffingprocesstookafullday.
Sheplacedtheplateandglassonmydresser,thenploppeddownonthefootofthebed.“Youmissedafunparty.MiaandPJhititoffandwerekaraokeingbytheendofthenight.Ethanwaswonderingwhereyouwent.”
WhenIdidn’treply,shechangedthesubject.“Miatoldmealittlemoreaboutwhyyou’rebackatCarlthorpe.Iknowthisisincrediblycheesy,butI’msogladyoucameback,becauseI’mhavingabettertimemysenioryearbecauseofyou.Itransferredinacoupleyearsagowithalong-distanceboyfriendandI’mprettysurewe’regettingengagedaftercollege,soI’vebeenprettynose-downinstudyingandnotappreciatingthesocialpartsofcollege.You’vealreadyhadabigimpactonsomeone’slifewhohasn’tactuallyreadyourbook…yet.Sochinup,lady!Timetotakeabigol’biteoutofatruthcookie—whatyou’regoingthroughisn’tpermanent,andeventhoughitmightfeellikeyoulostsomethingwhenyoucamehereasecondtime,you’vegainedaloyalfriend.Andasabonus,yougetfree,unlimitedbakedgoodsaslongasyou’reunderthisroof!Somepeoplemightevenbeenviousofthat.”
Iliftedmyheadfrommypillowandsatup,smilingweakly.
Shehandedmetheplateofbakedgoods.“There’sathemeofpositivityhere.Imadethesejustforyou.”
Theshortbreadcookieswereshapedlikesheepandintricatelydecoratedinicing.Bethhadwritten“Ibelieveinewe”onallofthem.
“Thankyou.Orewe.E-W-E.”Ismiledandbitoffasheep’swoollyass.Itwasdelicious.
***
ICHANNELEDALLmyenergytherestoftheweekendintostudyingformidterms.BuryingmyselfintherequiredreadingformyseniorseminarandreviewingPythonassignmentswereeffectivedistractions,providingmewithmentalandemotionaldistancefromthelastencounterwithJake.ByMondaymorning,Ifeltconfidentabouttheupcomingexamsaftersomanyhoursofstudying.Ihadaquickbreakfastandhoppedintotheshowerbeforeclass.
MyphonerangthesecondIturnedoffthewater.
Itwasmyeditor.“Lily!Areyousittingdown?Ihavesomegreatnews!”
Iwasnotsittingdown.Iwasstandingnakedinasmallpuddleofwaterfrommydrippinghairandbodythathadpooledbymyfeet.
“You’vebeeninvitedtospeaktotheLondonBusinessSchool’sU.S.alumnigroupinNYCintwoweeks.It’spartofadebutbooktourlaunchandtheyaskedifyouwouldbethein-conversationpartner.”
Thisreallywasgoodnews,andtherewerenosignsofabait-and-switch“it’stimetogivebackyouradvanceforyourfraudulentcredentials,actually”call.Isighedinrelief.Ihadn’tdonetoomanyin-personeventsandthisseemedlikeagoodpromotionalopportunity.Towel-dryingmyhair,Inoticedshedidn’toutrightmentiontheauthor.
“Whoistheeventwith?”Ifinallyasked.
Shecoughed.“Twoauthorsactually.TheO’Haras.”
No.“Areyouserious?Whyme?”Icriedoutinfrustration,whichmyeditorheardandtookliterally.
Myeditorreplied,“Ofcoursethey’dwantyou!Theyspecificallyaskedforyourparticipation,actually;itwasoriginallysupposedtojustbethetwoofthem.Thetopicwaschosenbythealumnigroupandwillbe‘Diversity,Inclusion,andShatteringGlassCeilingsOnceandforAll.’”
Nowitallmadesense.
BeforeIcouldsayHELLNO,myeditoradded,“TheO’HarashavearrangedasigningopportunityaftertheQandAwithalocalindiebookstore,andthey’rerunningadsinTheWallStreetJournaltopromotetheevent.”
Okay,thiswastempting.TheWallStreetJournalaudiencewasn’texactlyaperfectfitforme,butitwasawaytobroadenmyreach.
“Anditwillbecatered.Wineandfinefingerfoods.”
Well,shit.Shegotmebydanglingfreefood.“I’min.”Mystudent-budgetbrainmademecave.DiningoutwassomethingI’dmissedeversinceIhadreturnedtoCarlthorpe.
“That’swonderful!Ifyou’reavailable,wewouldloveforyoutopopintoourofficethisweeksowecandiscussyourquestionsforthisevent,plusmeettheO’Haramarketingteamforsomeotherpromotionalideastheyhavefortheirbooklaunch.Theyhaveabigmarketingandpublicitybudgetandwe’rethinkingthisisagoodopportunityforyoutoaskforwhatyouwant.Isuspectthey’reevenputtinginsomeoftheirownmoneyandreachingouttotheirpersonalnetwork,sowe’rehopingtomaximizeyourexposure.”
Ilookedaroundforacleantowelbutsettledforaterry-clothbathrobe.“When’sthemeeting?”
Shelaughednervously.“CouldyoucometomorrowafternoonorWednesdaylatemorning?I’msorryifthat’stooshortnotice,butsinceyouliveclosetoouroffices,we’rehopingit’snotaproblem.”
Icringedasshecontinued.“We’retryingtomovefast,especiallyifthey’redoingadsinnewspapers.”Knowingmealltoowell,sheadded,“I’llorderinlunchandtextyouthemenu.Therewillbedesserts.”
Ilaughed.“Sure,Icanbetheretomorrow.”
WithMiaofferingherchauffeurservices,werolledintothecitythenextdayaftermy9AM.classended.
AsweheadedintoMidtown,Iasked,“DoIlookokaytomeetwiththeO’Haras?”
“Yes.Youcan’teventellyou’vebeenslummingitwithyourdresscodethelastfewweeks.Youcleanedupnicely.”Miagrinnedasshepulledintoaloadingzone.“Meetmeatmyapartmentwhenyou’redone.Wecangrabdinneranddrinksbeforeweheadback.”
“Iwasplanningtotakethetrain.I’vealreadybuggedyouenoughtimesforrides.”
“Honestly,Idon’tmindthedrive.AndIlovecommutingtoandfromthecitytoCarlthorpe.It’slikehavingaHamptonsorFireIslandtimeshare,butrent-freeandafullfridge.”
Ahonkblastedfrombehind.“Dropoffandpickuponly,sistah!”
“LookslikeyouneedtounloadyourselfASAP,”Miasaid,lookingintoherrearviewmirror.“Goodlucktoday!”
“Thanks!”Ihoppedoutofhercarandwavedgoodbye.
Pushingtherevolvingdoor,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticehowmybusinessclothesfeltagainstmyskin.Intheglassreflection,everythinglookedfamiliarandputtogether,butI’dgottensousedtowearingjeansandsneakersaroundcampusthatmyskirt,silkblouse,andheelswereinsanelyuncomfortable,likeIhadborrowedsomeoneelse’scostumeforHalloweenanditwasunseasonablyhotthatday.WhensecurityaskedformyIDandaskedmetoconfirmmyidentity,Ihesitated.OfcourseIwasLilyLee,thesameLilywhohadbeenintheseofficesseveraltimesbefore,butadmittedly,somethinginsidemefeltalittledifferent.Ontherideuptothetwenty-secondfloor,ItriedtorememberifthiswashowI’dfeltwhenIstartedmyfirstcorporatejob,wearingbusinessclothesforthefirsttime.MaybetheshiftinsidemeIwasfeelingwasjusttemporary,likesomeoneforgettingtoweararetainerforafewdays,lettingtheirteethmoveandthenshiftbacktotherightpositionsafterreuse.
Myeditor,Katherine,greetedmeattheelevatorbank.“Thankyousomuchforcomingonsuchshortnotice.WhentheO’Harafamilycontactedusoutoftheblue,ittookusbysurprise.Amandacan’tmakeit,shewaspulledawaybyHRforsomekindofalumnioutreacheventplanning.”Shesmiledandswipedherbadgetogainaccesstothefloor.“They’rehereearly,andnowthatyou’rehere,wecanjustjumpinandgetstarted.Didyouhaveanyquestionsbeforeweheadintothemeeting?”
Yes.Afew.
What’sforlunch?
AndamIjustarandomtokennon-whitepersontogoonatourwith,ordotheyactuallyseemeastheirpeer?
Istherecompensationorreimbursementforexpenses?
Maybeit’sparanoia,but…isthereanunderlyingmotiveforthem?
Offeringmymostgracioussmile,Isaid,“Noquestionsatthemoment.Let’sstartthemeetingandIcangetafeelforwhatthey’rethinking.”
SheopenedthedoortorevealthemassiveO’Harapublishingentourage.OtherthanMaryO’Hara,everyoneelsearoundthelong,oblongtablewasmale.Tenpeopleinall,includingtheO’Haratwins.Itwaslikeanexecutivemeetingatmylastmale-dominatedcorporatejoballoveragain.Asidefrombelow-marketpay,Ileftthereforafewreasons,andlet’sjustsaythatdealingwiththisparticulardemographicinthehighestranksofthecompanywasamongthem
Mymarketingleadandpublicityassistantlinedupatthedoorbehindme.WegreetedtheO’Harateamasweenteredtheroom.MyeyeswidenedasIlookedpasteveryoneandsawthelunchbuffetagainstthefarwall:someblessedsainthadorderedathree-tiereddesserttray.MymouthwateredasIshookhandswitheveryone.
Wequicklytookourseatssothemeetingcouldbegin.MyteamwasnotonlyoutnumberedbytheO’Haraparty,wewereout-everythinged.Out-marketed,out-publicized,out-budgeted,andevenoutclassed:theyhadpartneredwithallthefinestspiritscompanies,fashiondesigners,andtopbusinessschoolsacrossthecountry,theyannounced.ItappearedtheO’Haras’YouGo,Girl!bookwasgoingtobeahitnomatterwhat,whetheritwasorganicordevisedthatway,andbytargetingsomanyaspirationalbrands,theywereclearlygoingafteraspecifictypeofclientelewhohadprobablyneverheardofme.Andhonestly,I’dneverheardofhalfofthemeither.
SowhywasIhereagain?Especiallycomparedtoallthename-droppedcelebritiesandinfluencersintheirmarketingpresentation,Iwasabigol’nobody.
Aftertheirpublicitydirectorcoveredeventoutreach,theyfinallycuttothechase.“Lily,wewouldlovetopitchyouwithMaryandCameronforsomeofthemoreurbanopportunities.”
“Urban?”Ihadnoideawhattheymeantbythis.I’dneverconsideredanythingaboutmeurban.IworeclothesfromUrbanOutfitterssometimes,thatwasit.AndmaybelistenedtoKeithUrbanonoccasion.Iatefromdiningestablishmentsthatwerecashonly,didthatcount?IworeJ.CrewflatsandMadewelldressesforGod’ssake.Whatwasthisurbannonsense?
Kylie,mypublicistandfastfriend,scribbledsomethinginherspiralnotebookandpusheditovertome.“URBAN—MAYBESHEMEANSNOTRICHORWHITE?”
Oh.
Silencetookovertheroom.Ibitbackcuttingwordsthatteeteredonthetipofmytongue,knowingwhatIreallywantedtosayabouttheO’Haras’perceptionofraceandclass.Itwouldcertainlyleadtotheendofthisso-calledpartnership.ButjustasIopenedmymouthandfoundthecouragetospeakmymind,MaryO’Harasurprisedmebybeingthefirsttosaysomethingaftertheuncomfortablysilentstretch.“Lily,Iadoreyourwriting,andyourbookinspiredmetobecomeanauthormyself.I’vetalkedaboutyourbookalotininterviewsbecauseit’samust-buyforanyonetryingtomakeitinthebusinessworld,foranyone,butespeciallywomenofcolor.”
Itookadeep,calmingbreath.“Thankyou.”Imethergazewithoutglancingdown,becausemytherapisthadworkedwithmealotaboutacceptingcomplimentsandnotdismissingthemasbeing“nobigdeal,”asIwasalwaysapttodo.Itwasacombinationofbeingamodestpeoplepleaserforsolong,plusthehumilitystemmingfrommyKoreanheritage,withmyparentsinstructingmetodownplayallofmysuccesses,whiletheywereallowedtobragandtalkthemup.
Shecontinued.“Itwasmyideatobringyouintoourmarketingplans,butIdidn’tspecifywhenorhow.”Sheturnedtoherbrother.“Can’twejustaskhertojoinwherevershe’scomfortableratherthandictatewhattypeofeventsarebest—”
Cameroninterrupted.“Wehavemorethanadequatecoverageinourcoremarket,andthepressreleasesarealreadyout.It’sthislarger,moreurbanreachI’minterestedinpursuing.Withhercredentialsandstreetwiseadviceitseemedlike,synergisticallyspeaking—”
He’dsaid“urban”again,andanyonewhousedtheterm“synergisticallyspeaking”wasnotworthmytime.Itwasmyturntosteertheconversation.
“Actually,I’mprettybusytoday,somaybewecouldwrapupsoonerratherthanlater.Icanlookthroughthelistofopportunitiesinyourappendixandletyouknowtheonesthatinterestmeonceyou’vesortedoutyourtargetingstrategy.Wecangofromthere.”
Marynodded.“Thankyou,Lily.Anytimeyoucanofferisverymuchappreciated.”
Iresponded,“AndI’mstillonboardwiththein-personeventsponsoredbyLBSalumni.I’llemailyoutheinterviewquestionsafterthemeeting.Shallweeat?Thislookswonderful,thankyoutothepeoplewhoorderedit.”
Kyliebeamedandgrabbedaplate.“Iorderedtoomuch,youallmightneedtotakesomehome!”
Myeditorleanedoverandwhispered,“Thankyouforbeingopen-mindedaboutthis.WecanjustdotheLBSalumnieventfornowandevaluatetheirotherideas.It’sagreatwaytopromoteyourbookseries.”
Inodded.Ihadn’tagreedtomuch,butitwasworthittoinvestigateopportunitiesopentomethatIcouldn’totherwiseafford.Oneofthepointsinmybookwasaboutself-advocatingandself-promoting,andhowwomenneedtodomoreofit.ThiswassomethingIalwayshadtroublewithtoo.
AnotherthingIfirmlybelievedinwasforwomentodeveloprelationshipsandnetworks,evenpushingoutsideoftheircomfortzone.IwouldneedtorunthisO’Haraquasi-partnershipbymypersonalboardofdirectors—akaMia,someformerworkfriends,andBeth.Theyhadmybestinterestsatheartwhilethepeopleinthisroommighthavetheirownagenda.IftheexposureandplatformtheO’Harasprovidedwouldbeworthwhile,mytrustedfriendswouldhelpmeseethetruevalueandriskofthisopportunity.
ItookaturkeyandBriesandwich,Caesarsalad,chips,andaweightycupcakebacktothetableastheO’Haras’publicistconfirmedthatTheWallStreetJournaladwouldberunningsoon,andthatthepublisherwouldbepromotingtheeventinsocialmedialeadinguptothatdayaswell.
MaryO’Harasaid,“Thankyouforthatupdate!”justasCameronbarked,“IhopeyoucandobetterthanjustTheWallStreetJournal.HowmuchisitforTheNewYorkTimes?TheWashingtonPost?Haveyoueventhoughtaboutgoingbiggerwithourbrand?”
Cameron’shandlers,allthreeofthem,whisperedamongthemselves,andalthoughitwastoolowtohearit,Icaughtsnippetsof“tooexpensive”and“lookingintoit.”Maryofferedmeanapologeticglanceandforcedasmile.Shedidseemgroundedandgenuine,butI’dbeenburnedinthepastbypeoplewhoseemedonewayandturnedouttobeanother.Iwasn’tgoingtoletmyguarddownsoeasily.AtleastnotuntilI’dhadlunchandmyhangrinesssubsidedsoIcouldthinkclearly.
Cameroneventuallycalmeddownandtheconversationpickedupagain,goinginaninterestingandpleasantdirection.Wealltalkedmorecandidlyabouthowharditwastoreleaseabookinanoisy,clutteredonlineworld,andhowpublishingwaslikebeinganentrepreneurbecauseyouhadtonotonlycreateaproductbutalsopromote,market,andsellit.Ichimedinandsaidoneofmyfavoriteperkswasbeingabletoreadbooksbyotherauthorsbeforetheirreleasedates,andbothMaryandCamcouldn’twaitforthattimetocome.Theroomenergyshiftedfromstiltedtorelaxed.Sowehadafewthingsincommon.Findingcommongroundwasgoodforrelationship-buildingandgainingtrust.
Maryasked,“I’dlovetoknowwhatmadeyoufinallywriteabook,Lily.It’ssohardtonotonlygetwordsonapagebutalsohavethegutstoputyourworkoutintotheworld.Whatinspiredyoutobesobrave?”
ItwasaquestionI’dbeenaskedbeforebybusinessbloggersandpodcastinterviewers,butforpeopleinthisroom,whoalreadyknewaboutpublishing,myanswercouldgomoreindepth.“Honestly,Ihadn’tseenanyonewriteabookfromaperspectivelikemine.Iwantedittobelikeamini-mentorshipforpeoplejuststartingout,givingreal-life,practical,actionableadviceforthosewhoneededtobuildtheircareersfromthegroundup.”
BothMaryandCameronnoddedasIspoke,butwhatshockedmemostwasCameronopeningthespiralnotebookinfrontofhimandscribblingnotes.Icontinuedtotalkaboutmymissiontoempowerwomenandhelpthemnavigatethecomplexitiesofwork-lifebalance,self-promotion,andperformanceevaluations,primarilyinmale-dominatedenvironments.
Cameronplacedhiselbowsonthetable,puthishandstogether,andtappedhisindexfingersonhislips.“Thisisallveryinsightful.”Hemadeeyecontactwithme.“Thankyouforsharingyourperspectivewithus,Iamsogladyoucametoday.”
Whilethewordshespokewereextremelykind,somethingabouthistoneanddemeanorwasnotentirelysincere.Anaggingsensationpulledatmychest,butIcouldn’tpinpointanythingspecific.Thiswasdifferentfromthegeneralfeelingofangstandworrymanifestinginsidemychesteveryday,whichwasalltoofamiliarforme.Myinternalalarmbellsrangallthetimeforguyslikehim,andinresponseIalwayshadmyguardup.ButIcouldn’tdenythenigglingfeelingthathewasuptosomething.OrmaybethiswasjustavibethatguyslikehimradiatedallthetimeandIhappenedtohaveanextra-sensitivedouche-o-meter.
Whenthemeetingended,myeditor,publicist,andmarketingleadlingeredintheroomwhileCameronandMarywalkedwithmetothedoor.
“Lookingforwardtooureventnextweek,”Isaid,shakingtheirhands.
Marysmiled.“Thanksforbeingpartofourlaunch.”
“Seeyousoon,”Cameronsaidwithamegawattgrin.Butforhim,mydouchedetectorwouldn’tstopringing.ChapterSixteen
Lookingoutthewindowoftheengineeringlibrarywasagreatwaytoalleviatescreenfatigue.Afterworkingonproblemsetsfortwostraighthours,gazingattheoakandmapletreessheddingtheirgoldenandblood-orangeleavesontothecobblestoneprovidedamuch-neededvisualandmentalreprieve.
Aguywearingaforest-greenbeaniechaininghisbiketothemetalrailingcaughtmyeye.Afterlockinghiswheel,heglancedtowardtheskyassnowflakesflutteredfromthegrayclouds.Withhisfullfaceinview,IcouldseeitwasnoneotherthanJakeCho,lookingashandsomeaseverinhisknitbeanieanddownvest.Despitethenear-freezingtemperatures,hehadonlongolive-greenshorts.Tohisdefensethough,snowfallwasn’ttypicalthistimeofyear.Iwouldneedtodigoutmywintercoatifdrasticdropsintemperatureweregoingtobearegularoccurrence.
AsifJakecouldsenseme,helookedoveratmywindowandIgasped.MybodyslithereddownthebackofmychairandIstaredupattheceiling.PleaseGod,don’tlethimknowthatwasme.
Foragoodminute,Istudiedtheshapeofthebrownwaterstainsonthetexturedceilingpanelsabovemyhead,thensatuprightandlookedoutthewindowagain.NoJake.Hisbikewasstillthere.Whichmeanthewassomewherenear—
“Hey.”
Iwhippedaround.Jaketookafewstepsforwardandlookedatmyassortmentoftextbooks.“Studyingformidterms?”
“Yes.”Islammedmylaptopclosedsohecouldn’tpeekatmyjobresearchandmysadattemptsatwritingthefirstchapterofmybook.ThatmeetingwiththeO’Harashadbeenaswiftkickintheass:agoodreminderthatIwashereonlytofinishmydegree,andthateverythingelsewasadistraction.Fratparties,officehours,socializing—allinterferences.Thebiggesttimewaster?Mystalkingvictimstandingbeforeme,wholookedreallyadorableinhisabove-the-waistcoldweatherattire.Goaway,Jake.
Hebithislip.“CouldIbehonestaboutsomething,andcanyoukeepitjustbetweenus?”Jakepulledoffhisknitcap,revealingastatickymessofblackandsilverhair.Iwantedtosmoothitoutsobadlybutstayedputinmychair.
Whatdidhewanttotellme?Wehadsomuchhistory…itcouldbeanything.Wasitaboutourdatingpast?Theweirdnessbetweenusthenightofthefratparty?Mystomachclenchedandmyhandsturnedcoldwhilemymindcycledthroughmorepossibilities.
Hedraggedachairfromadesknearby.“I’mtellingyouthisassomeonewhocaresaboutyou.”
Igulped.Suddenlymyearsbegantoring,andthedrumbeatofmyheartmadeithardtohearhisnextwords.
“AsyourTA,IhavetoletyouknowthatyouroverallgradedroppedtoanAminusbecauseofthelastfewhomeworkassignments.AnAminusisgreat,don’tgetmewrong.Butyouwon’tbeeligiblefortheinternshipconsiderationifyou’renotatleastrankedinthetoptenintheclass.”Hehesitatedbeforecontinuing.“AndIknowyoucouldgetthere.”
Mylipspartedwiththeintentionofrespondingtohim,butIdidn’tknowwhattosay.JustafewminutesearlierIhadbeenapplyingtodozensofhigh-levelpositions,andthisinternshipopportunityatSolvwasforcollegeseniors.SowhywasIsodisappointedinmyself?
Ihadtoadmit,thelastfewhomeworkassignmentsI’dsubmittedwerenotmybestwork,andjudgingbythisconversation,webothknewit.IfIwantedashotatgettingmyfootinthedooratSolv,abonafidedreamcompanythatIwouldneverhavebeenconsideredforbefore,onethathadhighemployeeretentionandalwaysmadethetopofany“bestcompanytoworkfor”list,Ihadtotryharder.Maybemyidealjobhadbeendanglinginmyperipheralvisionallalong.
Therewasstilltimetoraisemyoverallgrade.Hiswarningwaslikelitkindlingignitinganintensefiredeepwithinme.“Okay,I’lltakethatintoconsiderationwhenIturninmyhomeworkandprepareforexams.Thanksforlookingoutforme.”
“Wouldyoulikeanyhelp?IhavesometimebeforeIhavetogoandIknowthelastlecturewasalottotakein,Icouldseeitineveryone’sfaces.”Hisdoelike,earnesteyesgotmeeverytime.Bambihadnothingonthisguy.
Ten-years-agomewouldhavesaid,“Hellno,Icandothismyself,”butIhadliterallywrittenabookabouthowwomenintheworkplacewerealwaystryingtodoeverythingthemselves,takingontoomuch,andwerereluctanttoaskforassistance,thinkingitwouldshowweakness.Icouldn’tfallintothattrap,notagain.ItwasagainsteverythingIstoodfornow.
Openingmylaptop,IclosedouttheWorddocumentofmybookoutlineandpulledupthelatesthomeworkassignmentandmynotesfromthelastlecture.“WouldyoumindgoingoverDeMorgan’sLawswithme?They’renotaseasyformetograspasIthoughttheywouldbe.”
Jakescootedhischairtomydesk.Hiskneesbarelygrazedmineandmyskintingledfrommakingcontact.“Asyourdedicatedteachingassistant,I’dbehonoredtohelpyou.”Heranhisfingersthroughthefrontofhishair,taminghismagnificentmaneintheprocess.
Focusonthelesson,Lily.Stopdreamingaboutrunningyourownfingersthroughhishairtoo.
Hewentovershort-circuitevaluationsandBooleanexpressions,andIfocusedintentlyonhiswords.Jakewasatalentedteacher,andhetaughtthematerialinaslightlydifferentwaythantheprofessorhad,withexamplesIcouldrelatetobetter.Butdespitehisexcellentteaching,Ifoundmyselfdistractedwhenhetookoffhiscoatandrolleduphissleevesbeforetypingonhiskeyboard.Andholy…whenhestuckhispeninhismouthwhilelookingforaspecificreferenceinthetextbook,orleanedbackinhischairtostretch,hisshirtpullingupjustenoughtosee—
“Anythingelsebeforewewrapuphere?”heaskedwhileputtinghisbooksandlaptopintohisbackpack.“I’mpackingup,butit’sonlybecauseImanagedtotakeoveryourentiretablewithallofmyshit.”
Mycheekslitonfire.“No.Thankyoufor,um…assistingwiththeteaching.”
Jakechuckled.“Anytime.That’swhatI’mherefor.Myjobisliterallyteachingassistant.”
Hisdepartureallowedmetoturnmyattentionbacktowritingtheprefaceofmylong-overduebook.Theopeningwastheonlypartthatdidn’trequireanyresearch,observations,orinsights.Ihadn’twrittenmuchinweeks,butwiththeO’Haras’bookoutintheworld,thepressuretoreleasemynextoneincreasedexponentially.
Anhourlater,Iwroteafewsentences,thenquicklydeletedthem,overandoveradnauseam.TwohourspassedandIwasbacktostaringatacompletelyblankpage.
Thiswasgoingnowhere.
AnditwouldcontinuegoingnowhereifIdidn’tdosomethingaboutit.
IwentintothedraftfolderofmyemailandfoundanoteI’dwrittentomyeditorthelasttimeIfeltstuck,whileinthemiddleofwritingmylastbook.IwasminutesawayfromsendingittoKatherine,butthankstohereditorESP,shecalledmejustbeforeIwasatmywit’send,readytocallitquits.SheworkedwithmetoshapemybookandImanagedtofinishtheprojectamonthafterthedeadline.Ineversenttheemail,butIhadsavedit.Maybetorepurposeitoneday.Foradayliketoday.
Katherine,
Ioweittoyoutoletyouknowhowthingsareprogressing.Sohere’sthetruth.I’minarut.IhonestlythinkI’vedeludedmyselfandothersintothinkingIhavesomethinguniqueorimportanttosay,butasIcontinuewriting,I’mfeelinglikemaybeIdon’t.Ormaybesomeoneelsecandoamuchbetterjob,andtheyshouldwritethisbookinsteadofme.
MaybeIjustdon’tknowhowtowriteatall,orI’mnotexpressingmyselfwellinbookform.HowcanIbeawriterifIcan’twriteanygoodwords?
I’vebeenabletodraftonlythefirsthalfofthebookbutitfeelslikeadisjointed,blatheringmess,kindoflikethisemail.I’mtooembarrassedtoshareanythingwithyoubecauseit’snotingoodshape.I’msorryIwastedyourtime.
Sincerely,
Lily
ThedifferencebetweenthenandnowwasthatatthetimeI’dwrittenthatemail,halfofthebookhadbeendrafted.Forthisnewone,Ihadnothing.Itwasunderstandable,ofcourse,sinceI’dfocusedsomuchofmytimeonmycollegeclasses.Butnowaswewereapproachingmidtermseason,thetimetrade-offwasevident.Wasittimetogivemyeditoranupdate,afulldisclosureofwhatI’dbeenuptothepastweeks?WouldsheunderstandwhythebookproposalI’dturnedintwoyearsagowasn’texactlyclickingwithmenow?Orwouldshegiveuponmeandaskmefortheadvanceback?
Howcouldsomeonelikemewriteabookaboutcareersuccess?MaybeIneededtowriteaboutsomethingIwasanactualexpertin.
Failure.
Thatideamademelaughbutitwasn’ttheworstI’deverhad.MaybeIcouldworkwiththat.Iopenedanewfileandjotteddownafewnewideas,feelingmypassionforwritingreturn.
PerhapsIcoulddothisafterall,butitmightneedtobeanentirelydifferentbook.ChapterSeventeen
TwelveandaHalfYearsAgo
TheAsianStudentAssociationcharteredabustoManhattansomemberscouldvisitNYU’sandColumbia’scampuses,givingusanopportunitytowatchtheundergraduateKoreanStudentAssociationcultureshowsforeachschool.TheeventstookplaceonFridaynightandSaturdaynightonthesameFebruaryweekend.Itwasmysophomoreyear,andmyveryfirsttimevisitingthecity.
Ofcourse,assoonasthebusrolledintoMidtownManhattan,wewentstraighttoKoreatowntoeatKoreanbarbecueonThirty-SecondStreet.
“WhatdoesA-Y-C-Emean?”Iasked,crossingandrubbingmyupperarmswithmymittenedhands.
SomeoftheKoreanguysfrommyschoollaughed.Theclubpresidentjoked,“Allyoucaneat.Areyousureyou’reevenKorean?”
Myfacegrewhoteventhoughthetemperatureoutsidewasfreezing.PresumablythisAsianorganizationwasforstudentswhowantedtoconnectwithAsianculture,andformeetingotherpeoplewhosharedacommonheritage,whichwasimportanttome.Butoddly,themoreIhungoutwithotherKoreans,thelessAsianIfelt.Tomyfriendsgrowingup,IwasveryKorean.ButtotheothermembersofASA,IwassuperAmericanized.I’dbeentoSeoulonlyonce.Iwasn’tfluentinKoreanbyanymeansandCarlthorpedidn’tofferitasalanguageoption.Miawasfluent,butsheandIrarelyspokeit.Andmaybetheworsttragedyofall,Ihadn’tactuallybeentoanyK-BBQplacesinabigcity,hencemyignoranceofAYCE.
“TherearealltypesofKoreansinthediaspora,asyoushouldknow,”Iargued.
Miachimedin,“Atleastshe’snotobnoxiouslyoverdoingtheK-popfandomlikeyou.”Shegesturedtohisbleachedfloppyhair,whichgotabiglaughfromeveryoneandendedtheawkwardness.
Thepricesofmeatonthemenuinthewindowgavemestickershock.ButthiswassupposedtobeafuntripandIpromisedmyselfIwouldtrytoenjoyit.Rarelyhavingopportunitiestogoonweekendtrips,iftherewasanytimetonotstressaboutspending,thiswasit.WewereinNewYorkCity!
Theburningstomachpaininmymid-abdomencameroaringback,likelycausedbymymoney-relatedworrying.Iwincedandsqueezedmyeyesshut,breathingthroughtheagony.Ipoppedanantacidandprayedthediscomfortwouldsubsidefortherestofthetrip.
Mialockedherarmintothecrookofmyelbow.“SitwithmeandAndy.AndJake.”Sheelbowedmeintheribs.
AndrewWonwasinafewofmyclasses.Hewasthesmoker,stoner,drinkertypethatwasasbadboyasguysatCarlthorpegot,thekindofguyMiasworeshewouldstopdating.HewasthebestfriendofJakeCho,theguyI’dhadaheart-eye-emojicrushonsincethedayIjoinedASA,buthaddonenothingaboutsinceIhadalongtime,long-distanceboyfriendatthetime.Therewasnoonespecificthingthatmadehimsoattractivetome.Hewaslean,borderingonscrawny,andwasalwaysspendinghistimeandenergyondozensofsidehustlesandhobbies,frommakingbobateaandsellingitfromhisdormwindow,tobrewingbeerinhiscloset,tosellingcheaper,higher-qualityCarlthorpemerchthanthebookstorecarriedfromhistrunk.Hewasenterprising,andsobusythatheneverseemedtohavetimeatallto,say,haveasteadygirlfriend.
Atatableforfour,MiaandIsatacrossfromeachother,andAndrewploppeddownnexttoMia,leavingtheseatnexttomeopenforJake.Oncewe’dorderedandreceivedourfirstroundofdrinks,itstruckmethatthewaywewereconfiguredwasalmostlikeweweredouble-dating.
Thefoodhadn’tcomebythetimewefinishedoffasecondbottleofsoju,andbythenMiawashangingontoeveryslurredwordoutofAndrew’smouth.JakeandIwereenjoyingeachother’scompanytoo,butweweren’tnearlyaswastedasourtablemates.
Finally,theserverbroughtoutalargetrayofassortedbanchan,alongwithalargewhiteplattercoveredwiththinslicesofuncookedbeef.“Bulgogiimnida!”Sheturnedonourgrillandplacedthelittlebowlsofvegetablesinfrontofus.Ratherthanofferusduplicatesetsofbanchanforeachsideofthetable,sheinsteadplunkeddownfifteenuniquesidedishes.Myfavoriteswerecucumberkimchi,anchovies,andspinach.Miahandedthosetomeandswappedthemforthespicieronescoloredorangeandflamingredfromthehotpepperpowder.
Theserverplacedtheindividualstripsofbeefonthegrillandthemeatsizzledassoonasitmadecontactwiththemetalgrate.TheonefactIknewabouteatingmeatfromanindoorgrillataKoreanrestaurant:yourhairandclotheswouldsmelllikeburnedmeatuntiltheywerewashed.Thesmoky,charredscentwouldinfuseintohairstrandsasthenightworeon,likeapotentessentialoil.Ipulledmyhairintoaloosebun,hopingtominimizethesurfaceareaofthebeefeaudecologne.
“Jalmogosimnida!”Theserverputthemetaltongsnexttomeandthenwalkedaway.
Mialaughed.“Shepickedyoutocooktherest.”
Jakesmirkedatme.“AsObi-Wansaid,‘Youwerethechosenone!’”
NerdyStarWarsjokesalwayshadaspecialplaceinmyheart,andherehewas,winningmeoverwithoneofthecorniestones.
“Well,ifIhavetocookthisforeveryone,youneedtoordermesomesoju.”Ismirkedrightbackathim.Andrewwastheonlyonewhowasoldenoughtobuyalcohol,buthewasalsofluentinKoreanandhadaknackforcharmingolderwomen,specificallyKoreanwaitstaffajummas.NoonecheckedourIDs.Withinsecondsafterordering,theserverbroughtoveranewbottleofsojutoourtable.
IworkedonthemeatwhileAndrewpouredmynextdrink.ThefragrantsmellsofsesameoilandgarlicwaftedaroundusasIflippedthecracklingbulgogi.JaketookmyplateandpassedittoMiaandAndrew,askingthemforasamplingofthesidedishesfromtheothersideofthetable.“Lilygetsfirstdibs.She’sdoingmanuallaborforus,theleastwecandoispayherinbanchanunits.”
Mia,nowfullytipsyandleaningintoAndrew’sshoulder,widenedhereyesatme.
Yes,Iknow,Mia.Jakeisacute,courteous,charmingguy.
Hereyeswidenedevenmore.Youbetterhitthattonight.He’ssinglenow.
Oncethebulgogiwasdivviedup,weallraisedourdrinksandtoasted.Miaclinkedcheers.“Tothecitythatneversleeps!”
Lord,weatesomuch.Afterwefinishedallthemeat,AndrewandJakeaskedforabowlofkimchichigaetosplit,whileMiaandIeachhadabowlofricecakedumplingsoup.Ddukmandugukwasmyall-timefaveandonceIdecidedthatlooseningthepursestringsonthistripwouldn’tkillme,Idecidedtogetabowlalltomyself.Becausewhythehellnot?
Jakeaskedeveryone,“HaveyouevertriedKoreanfoodininternationalcities?MyfamilywenttoParisandmyGod,thebanchanwassobad.Itwasatop-ratedrestauranttoo.”
Miajoinedin.“IwenttoAthenswithmyhighschoolLatinclass,andsamething,wetriedtheKoreanfoodthereoncebecauseImissedeatingitanditwassooverpricedandmediocre.”Shepickedatthefewremainingbeansproutswithherchopsticksanddevouredthem.
Andrewsaid,“TheKoreanfoodinLondonisokay,butyouneedtoknowwheretogo.It’salsocrazyexpensive.”
IhadtraveledtoKoreaonlyonce,andthatwastheonlytimeIneededapassport.“I’veonlyhadKoreanfoodinKorea.”Ideadpanned,“Thefoodwasgreat.”
Theyalllaughed,andwealltoastedtoSouthKoreaforabsolutelynoreason.
IsighedwistfullyasIgrabbedatoastedseaweedsquare.“OnedayI’dlovetogotoSpainthough,eveniftheKoreanfoodisn’tgood.It’soneoftheoptionsforthestudyabroadprogram.”ItwassomethingIhadseriouslyconsideredandoneofthefewthingskeepingmeatCarlthorpe.Theyhadaworld-renownedoverseasprogramforcollegejuniorsandseniors.
Jake’seyeswidened.“Really?It’ssomethingI’velookedintotoo.BarcelonaorMadrid.TimetousemyrustyhighschoolAPSpanish!”
Iraisedmyglassofsojuandtoastedtous.IfJakewenttoSpaintoo,wow,evenbetter.Knowingsomeoneelsetherewouldbesomuchmorefun.
“Well,I’mstuffed.”Andrewfellbackintotheboothseatandrestedhisheadonthepaddedwall.MialeanedintohisshoulderliketheTowerofPisaandclosedhereyes.Andrew’sfacebeamed.Miasighedblissfully.
Sheseemedsohappy.Iwantedhertobehappy.
Miaalsolookedasleep.
Jakewhisperedintomyear,“Ifthesetwocallitanight,wanttokeephangingoutwithme?Iwanttoseemoreofthecity.”
HewassodirectanditwasexactlywhatIwantedtodo.OfcourseI’dlovetosightseewithMiatoo,butshewassnoringnow,anddefinitelyintoAndrew.
“Let’sheadout!”Jakebarked,joltingthethreeofusintoanupright,startledposition.Wescootedoutoftheboothandputonourwintercoats.AsAndrewandMialedtheway,Jakerestedhishandsonmyshoulders,playfullysteeringmeoutoftherestaurant.Mybodyshiveredathistouch,butItriedtoplayitofflikeIwascoldfromthefrigidgustsofwintryairletinfromtheopenfrontdoor.
I’dbelyingtomyselfifIdidn’tadmitthatIwantedsomethingtohappenbetweenusonthistrip.Wehadbothgottenoutoflong-distancerelationships,eachofusdumpedbyourinsignificantothers.I’dbeenwithmyhighschoolsweetheartforseveralyearsandwasjustgettingusedtotheideaofbeingsingle.Wasittoosoontodateagain?Orwasthetimingperfect?
Itwashardtothinkofplacestogoafterdinner:wewereallsostuffedthatdessertwasoutofthequestion.Ilookedupattheskytoseeifitwasaclearnight,andtheskyscrapertoourleftgrabbedmyattention.ItwasaplaceI’dalwayswantedtovisit,andhordesofpeoplestreamedinandoutofthemainentrance.“HaveanyofyoubeentotheEmpireStateBuilding?”Iasked.
Everyoneshooktheirheads.JakesearchedhispocketsforhisglovesandknitcapwhileAndrewandMiacontemplatedthissightseeingadventure.ItriedtopleadmycasewithJake’shelp.
“Thinkaboutalltheromanticmoviemomentsyou’veseenorheardaboutfeaturingthishistorical,iconicbuilding!”Iboasted.
Jakeadded,“LikeSupermanTwo.Thebestsuperheromovie,bytheway.”
Ilaughed.“IwasthinkingSleeplessinSeattle.”
“Zoolander?”Jakeasked.
“Stopit,”Isaid.
“KingKong.”
Isighed.“AnAffairtoRemember.”
“IndependenceDay,”heteased.
Icrossedmyarmsandquirkedabrow.“WhydoyouevenknowsomanyEmpireStateBuildingmovies?”
AndrewandMiahuggedandremainedgluedtogether.“Ithinkwemightcallitanight,”Miasaid.“ButitsoundslikeyoutwohavealottotalkaboutthatIdon’tentirelyunderstand.”
Ismiled.“Okay,JakeandIwillheadbackafterward.”
ThehappycouplewalkeddownthestreettowardthesubwaystationwhileJakeandIheadednorthwest.TheEmpireStateBuildingwasn’tfaraway,butitsurefeltlikeitwas.Thegustsoffreezingairpushedagainstus,slowingoursteps.Thewindchillmadeitfeeltwentydegreesbelowzeroaswegraduallymadeourwaytotheentrance.
Hundredsofothertouristshadthesameideaasus,butluckilythelinekeptmoving,notgivingmetimetobalkatthepriceandbailwhenwereachedthecashierandpaidforticketstotheobservatory.AsIforkedovermycreditcard,Iwhisperedtomyself,“Thiswillbeaonce-in-a-lifetimeexperience.It’sworthit.”SigningthereceiptandsendingitbackundertheholeinthePlexiglas,wemadeourwaytotheelevatorbank,wherewewaitedwithtenotherpeopletobetakentoeardrum-poppinglevels.
Whenthedoorsopened,Jakeasked,“Howareyouwithheights?”
Ishrugged.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutitbefore.I’dbeeninsideafewlookouttowersinvariouscitiesI’dvisitedwithmyparents,butthatwasn’tthesame.
“I’llbefine,”Isqueakedasthedoorsclosed.Theelevatorwhooshedupward.Maybesensingmynervousness,Jakeplacedhishandsonmyshouldersagain,andashedidthat,Ileanedbackintohischest,shiftingmybodysomyheadtuckedrightunderhischin.Theelevatorwasonlymoderatelyfullbecauseofthelimitedcapacityandeveryonewearingbigwintercoats,soIdidn’tneedtopressagainsthim,butdidanyway.Jakedidn’tseemtomind.Hedidn’tbudgefortheentireride.Climbingtoourdestination,Jake’sheartthumpedagainstmyback.Hisbreathingspedup,matchingmine.
Wewerethelasttwovisitorstoexit.IhesitatedbecausethemomentItookastepforward,thisphysicalbondbetweenuswouldbreak.
“Gostraightahead,”theattendantsaid,asifIhadnocluehowelevatordeparturesworked.Jakechuckledandthennudgedmeforward.
Ifollowedtheothersaheadofmedowntheshortwalkwayandthroughtheglassdoorsleadingtotheopen-airobservationdeck.Jakefollowedmesocloselythathesteppedonmyrightheel.IfIhadn’tbeenwearingboots,myshoewouldhavecomeoff.“Sorry,”hemumbledasthewindwhippedourfaceswithsubzeroarcticchill.
“It’scold,”Iwhimpered,statingtheobvious.Youthink,Lily?Yourteethdon’tchatterlikethisusually?
Yes,Iwasbaitinghim.Andluckily,heobliged.Jakeimmediatelypulledmeintoahugandwewalkedaroundtheperimeterfusedasone.
Whileheheldmesnugagainsthischest,Imurmured,“Goodthingwe’rebundledup.Icouldn’thelpbutnoticeyou’reappropriatelydressedfortheweather.Noshorts?”
Helookeddownatmyfaceandgrinned.“EvenIhavemylimits.Andrewsaiditwouldbeball-freezingweather.”Hepointedtovariousbuildingsnearandfar.“Look!That’stheChryslerBuilding.ThirtyRockefellerPlaza.TheMetLifeBuilding.”
Itwasbreathtaking.Takinginthepanoramicview,ithitmeallatonce.Ibelongedhere.InNewYorkCity.Iexaminedallthehistoricalmarkersigns,highlightingthelocationsofkeylandmarksandpointingatthemwith“EUREKA!”-levelenthusiasm,asifIwereanexplorerdiscoveringthemforthefirsttime.“Andthere’sCentralPark!TimesSquare!StatueofLiberty!TheBrooklynBridge!”
Onanothernight,thiswouldhavebeentheperfectromanticmoment.Butbecauseoftheblusteryweather,thisexperiencehadlessofaromanticcomedymovievibethanIwouldhaveliked.
Jakereadmymind.Hewhisperedintomyear,“Youknowwhatmoviethisremindsmeof?”
Ishuddered.Pleasetellme.
“Elf,”hebreathedheavily.
Itriedtoholdmylaughterin,butIcouldn’t.Igiggledandpulledhisknitcapdownoverhisnose.“Elf?Really?”
Heliftedhishatwithhisthumbsandlookedmeintheeyes.“IhappentoloveElf,it’stheultimatefish-out-of-waterstory.Don’tyoudarestealthisjoyawayfromme.”
TherewassomethingaboutJakethatIfoundirresistible.Hewasfunny.Smart.HepushedalltherightbuttonsandappreciatedmeforwhoIwas.Heawakenedallmysenses…ormaybethatwasthefreezingtemperatureandhighaltitude.
Withouttryingtooverthinkit,Idecidedthatcatchinghimoffguardwouldbethewaytocombathiscoyness.ItwouldletmegaugeifhelikedmeasmuchasIadoredhim.
Takingadeepbreathinandout,Istoodontheballsofmyfeetandpulledonhiscoatlapels.HiseyeswidenedandheshutupaboutElfwhilebringinghisheaddowntomyeyelevel.Closingmyeyes,andwithouthesitation,Igentlypressedmylipsonhis.Icytinglesranthroughmybody,clashingwiththeheatradiatingfromoveractivenerves.Mybodywasacompletemess,butIlovedeveryicy-hotsecondofourveryfirstkiss.
IreleasedJake’swoollycollarfrommyclenchedfistsandtookasmallstepback.Jakesaid,“YouknowthereareactuallyafewgreatkissingscenesinElf.”
OhGod.BeforeIcoulddeclarethisanepicfail,hepulledmeinbythewaist.“I’llstopwiththejokesnow,I’mjustnervous,”hewhispered.Thenleaningdown,hismouthpartedmylips,sendingshiversdownmyspine.Hiskissesweresoftatfirst,andtheneachoneburnedwithmoreintensity,makingmedizzy.
OurteethslightlychatteredaswetalkedabouttravelingtoEurope,seeingviewslikethisfromtheEiffelTowerandtheLondonEye.Thatwasthenightwebegandating.Overlookingthemagical,romanticManhattanskyline,withaworldofpossibilitiesaroundus,wehuggedeachothertight.ChapterEighteen
Atime-sensitiveemailfromtheregistrarhitmyinboxwhilemystudygroupvisitedJakeduringofficehours.
DearLilyLee,
YouhavebeenmovedtothetopoftheStatistics100waitlistandthereisanopeningintheclass.PleasenotethatyoumustregisteronlineorcomeinpersontotheOfficeoftheRegistrarwithin72hoursofthetimethisemailwassent.Failuretoregisterwithinthistimeframewillresultinyoubeingdroppedfromthecourse.Shouldthishappen,youwillnotretainyouroriginalspotifyoure-addyourselftothewaitlist.
Ifyouarenolongerinterestedinenrollinginthisclass,pleaserespondimmediatelytoallowanotherwaitlistedstudentamoreexpeditedopportunity.
Irereadtheemailadozentimes.Onebyone,Ethan,PJ,andthenGraceeventuallyleftJake’soffice,leavingmealonewithJake.
“Lily?EarthtoLily!Areyouokay?”Heswat-wavedhishandacrossmyfacelikeoneofthoseblack-and-whitedirectorclapboards.
WasIokay?Maybe?Maybenot?Forweeks,Ihadtriedveryhardtogetintothestatscourse,andnow,facingtheactualdecisiontotakeitornot,Iwasfull-bodyparalyzed.Mymouth,lips,andtonguecouldn’tevenformwordstotellJakethatIwouldbeleavinghisclass.
Instead,Ipointedtomyscreen.Jakewheeledhischairtomeandreadtheemailovermyshoulder.Iinhaledhisclean,familiarscentandfeltlikeabreathlesscollegegirlalloveragain.
“Oh.Isee.”Hisshouldersslumped.“Thiswaswhatyouwantedallalong.”
Hiswordshitmeonebyone,sevenslapstotheface,themelancholyinhisvoicemakingmyhearthurt.
Itwashardkeepingmyvoicefromwavering.“It’snotpersonal;IwantedtotakestatswhenIgothere.Andnowaspot’sfinallyopenedup.It’sthatsimple.”Iputmybelongingsinmymessengerbagandstoodfrommychair.
Wasitthatsimplethough?StatswouldprobablybeaneasyA.Ihadadeepunderstandingofsurveysandanalyticsfrompreviouson-the-jobtraining,I’dgonetoallthelecturesandunderstoodthem,andtheclasswasstructuredsothegradewasbasedonmidtermandfinalexams.Takingthisclasshadbeentheplanallalong.I’dlostsightofmyoriginalgoal,focusingwaytoomuchonaninternshipIwasfartoooldfor,andfoolishlythinkingIcouldliveoutthisfantasyofwhateverthisthingwasbetweenJakeandme.Wasitserendipity?Coincidence?Ortheuniversepushingustogether…ormaybehavingagoodlaughatourexpense.
Icouldn’tdenythatintheCSclass,Ilearnedsomethingnewwitheachlecture,knowledgeIwouldhavenevergained.MyentirelifeI’dthoughtitwasimpossibleforsomeonelikemetolearnsomethingnewonceI’denteredtheworkforce,buthereIwas,workingmyassoffandfightinghardforatopgrade,hopingforashotattheprestigioustechinternshipinanewfield.
Jakelookedupatmewithhisearnestbrowneyes.“IguessIgotusedtoseeingyouafewtimesaweek.WoulditbeembarrassingtoadmitthatIlookedforwardtoclassandofficehoursbecauseofyou?”Heusedhisheelstowheelhischairtotheothersideofhisdesk.“Infact,I’veworkedalotharderlatelyandputinatonofworkonmydissertationbecauseIwasinspiredbyyourbeingbackoncampus.Youlitafireunderme.Ipulledtwoall-nightersthisweekalone.”Herubbedhischinandsighed.“Andyou’velandedyourselfbackinoneofthetopspotsintheclassagain.Ireallythinkyouhaveagreatshotatgettingtheinterviewforthatcovetedinternshipopening.You’retheonlywomanintherunningbytheway,theotherninearedudes.”
Mychesttightenedasmybrainprocessedhispraise.“Ihaven’tdecidedanythingyet.”
Heleanedcloser.“ThisismebeggingyoutostayinCS.”Therewasahopefulglintinhiseyes,holdingmecaptive.“Butifstatsisreallywhereyouwanttobe,wellthen,Iwanttosupportyouonehundredpercent.”
Mymindswirled.“Yes,”Iwhispered,tryingtoswallowthelargelumpinthebackofmythroat.“Thatwasmyplanfromthestart.Fortheeasiergrade,soIcangetmydegree,thengetmydreamjobandwriteaboutit.ButIappreciateallthetimeyouspentwithme.Nohardfeelings?”Iscootedbackmyseat,camearoundthedesk,openingmyarmsforahug.
“I’mhappyforyou.”Hestoodandfoldedmeintoatenderembrace.“Ifyou’veofficiallydecided,IguessthismeansI’mnotyourTAanymore,”hesaidinasurprisinglybuoyanttone.
Synapsesinmybrainfiredsimultaneously.Itiltedmyheadup,myheartthuddinghardagainstmyribcage.“I’mnotyourstudentanymore.”Thisartificial,invisiblebarrierbetweenushadbeenlifted,alongwiththeoppressivepressuretodowellinclass,knowingstatswasinthebag.Instantly,mylifeshiftedandsettledintoabetterplace.
Hestaredintomyeyeswithanintensegazethatsentarippleofelectricitydownmyspine.Jaketightenedhisarmsaroundmeasmyhandsshylysliduphischest.Hewasmuchstronger,firmer,andbolderthanhehadbeenadecadeago,andmybodyrespondedtohim,likemusclememory.Isteadiedmyhandsonhisshouldersnearhisneck,then,withouteventhinking,walkedmyfingersuptoburytheminhishair.
Jakeleaneddownandbrushedagentle,warmkissonmylips.AshiverrippledthroughmybodyasIsighedsoftly,savoringit.Oursecondkisswasslow,intense,anddemanding,hungrierandmoreurgentthansweet.Itleftmymouthflaringwithheat,leavingmewantingmore.Muchmore.
Hislipscontinuedtoexploreme,leavingahottraildownmyneckandtomyshoulder.Itookastepforward,forcinghimtomovebackandbumpintohisdesk.
MaybeMiawasrightanditwastimetoseizetheday.WhenwouldJakeandIevergetanotherchanceatus?Ilookedovermyshoulderatthedoor.“Doesitlock?EvenifI’mnotinyourclassanymore,weneedtobecareful…thelastthingIneedisascandal.”
“Discretionismymiddlename.Actually,it’sHyun-Joong,butyouknewthat.”Hearchedaneyebrowandflashedamischievousgrin.“Holdonasec.”Afterslidinghishandstomyhips,heofferedmeaquickpeckontheforehead.“I’llberightback!”
Jakeadjustedthefrontofhisgraycargoshortsandopenedthedoor.Afterscrubbingthewhiteboardwiththeeraser,hewrote“OFFICEHOURSCANCELED”withathickblackmarker.Heshutthedoorandlockedit.
Wigglingbacktohisoriginalpositionbetweenmeandthedesk,heasked,“Allset.Now,wherewerewe?”
“Wewerebeingcareful…buthavingfun.”Ismiledandbroughtmyhandstothecenterofhischest,slowlyunbuttoninghisflannelshirtonenotchatatime,mygripgrowingsteadierwitheachfastenerrelease.Hereachedbehindhimand,withalargeswipe,pushednotebooksoffhisdeskontothefloor,theoppositeofamagicianpullingatableclothandkeepingeverythingintact.Jakeliftedme,turnedusaround,andsatmedownonthewoodendesktop.
Honestly,whowouldn’twanttheopportunitytohaveasensualofficerendezvouswithahotgradstudent?Ieasedbackslowlyandpulledhishardbodyintomine,breathingheavilyashischestgentlypressedintome.Shiversofdelightranthroughmeashislipsdescendedonmineagain.Onlyminutesbefore,I’dhadsomuchonmymindandimportantdecisionstomake,butatthisverymomentallmythoughtsandworrieswerewhiskedawayasmybodyshatteredandmeltedintohis.ChapterNineteen
TwelveandaHalfYearsAgo
Lily?”
“Li-ly.”
“LILY!”
Myeyessnappedopen.Jake’sfacepeereddownonmine.“Youweredreaming.Anditwastheunpleasant,kicking-and-pushing-me-off-the-bedkind.”
“Really?”Iswamthroughthehazeofrecentmemories,tryingtopiecethemtogether.Mystomachclenchedtightasflashes,images,andsequencescamefloodingback.Menotgoingtoclass.Notdoinganyhomework.Neverstudying.ThenwakingupthedayofthefinalexamandrealizingIwascompletelyunpreparedforit.
I’dhadvariationsofthisdreambefore—signingupforacourseIneverattendedandforgettingIenrolled,walkingintoaclassroomforthefinalexamonlytofindoutI’dmissedit,evenshowinguptoafinalexamnaked—andthey’dgottenmorefrequentthelastfewmonths.Theknotinmyguttightenedastherecollectionofmylatestnightmaregrewmorevividandclear,likeIhadjustputonanewpairofprescriptionglassesandmyvisionhadstartedtosettle.
Thetendernessofhissmileechoedinhisgentlevoice.“Wannatalkaboutit?”
Hellno,Ididn’twanttotalkaboutit.ThelastthingIneededtodowasscarehimoffbydebriefinghimonmyachievement-relatedstressandthepressuremyparentsandIputonme.HowcouldItellhimthatIconstantlythoughtaboutnotmeasuringupandwasalwaysconcernedaboutfailure?ThedreammademewonderifIwasdoingenoughwithmylife.IfIwaspreparedtomyfullestcapabilities.IfIwasevensupposedtobehereatCarlthorpe,orifitwasanadmissionsmistake.Didrichandfamouspeopleeverfeelthisway,orwasitjustpeoplelikemewhohadtokeeptryingtoprovethemselves?
Jake’sphonebuzzedtwice.Hegrabbeditfromthesidetable,andIcouldn’thelpbutnoticeitwashisex-girlfriend.He’denteredthecontact’snameas“IT’SYOUREXDON’TPICKUP.”
Apangofjealousyhitmehard.
Jakereadmyface.“It’snothing.She’stryingtoraisemoneyfora10Kpediatricleukemiafundraiserandit’sthelastdaytodonate.Gabby’shittingeveryoneuptoday.Goingthroughhercontactlist.”
Great,whileI’mrollingaroundinbed,hungover,unshowered,lookinglikeahumanmanatee…hisexwaswakingupearlyandsendingtextremindersofherselflessexistence,helpingoutkidsinneed,allwhilestayingphysicallyfit.
“Forgetabouther,okay?Didyouwanttotalkaboutyourdream?”
Istaredathisearnestfaceandshookmyhead.Itwastoopersonal.Myanxietyavalanchewasn’tsomethingIhadsharedwithanyoneelse,andwhatmyparentsdidknowofmystrugglestheysawasaweakness,andanexcuseforpoorperformance.MaybeIwouldtalkaboutallofthisopenlysomeday,butnotnow.EspeciallynotwithJakehalfnakedinmybed.
“Orwantmetohelpyouthinkaboutsomethingelse?”Hislonginggazemuddledmymindagain,butinagoodway.AllIcouldthinkaboutwashisthickwavyhairandthosebrown,playfuleyes.Jakeslidunderthecoversandwrappedhisarmaroundme,pullingmeintohim.Myskintingledathistouchasheranhishanddownmysoftcurves.
“Yes,please,”Iwhispered.“Helpmeforget.”
Hislipsbrushedagainstmineashespoke.“Isitworking?”
Igiggled.“Ithinkso.”
“Well”—hekissedmelightlyonthemouth—“thebestwaytomoveonfromthisdreamistofocusonthepresent.Onme.You.Inthisbed.”
Hislipsforgedapathdownmyneck.Itrembled,eventhoughhiskisseswerewarmandsoft.IlovedbeingwithJake.Hewassodifferentfromme:IwassomuchmoreofatypeApersonality,possiblyfatedtohavethesameexamanxiety–riddendreamsfortherestofeternity.Ididn’twanttoaskifhe’dhadsimilardreamsandworriesinlife,becausehewasrightaboutonething:tofocusonusnow.Him.Me.Inbed.
Jakeeasedtheloosestrapofmycamisoleoffmyshoulder.Myhandsworkedtheirwaydownhischest,pasthisabs,tohisboxers.Heundressedmeslowly,andasheloweredhimselfoverme,everyinchofmybodyfloodedwithdesire.TherewerenowordstodescribewhatIfeltforJakeinthatmoment,becausehowcouldIcapturethehope,promise,andjoyofsomeonewhohelpedmeescapethetrappingsofmymind?
Icouldn’t.AndthatwaswhenIknewmyentireheartbelongedtoJakeCho.ChapterTwenty
Thisisanintervention,”MiasaidonthephonewhileIpulledonabathrobeI’dfounddrapedonachair.LuckilyJakewasintheshowerandnotwithinearshotofmybestfriendtryingtodiscouragebedfrolickingwithmyTA.
“Didyoudroptheclassyet?”sheaskedwithanedgetohervoice.“Aren’tmidtermsinafewdays?”
Busted.
IhadspentsomuchtimestudyingforexamsandhangingoutatJake’sthatIhadputofftheenrollmentanddroppingofclassestillthelastpossiblemoment.Anditwasn’tlikeIwoulddaretotrytotaketheseclassespass/failthistime.
“I’lldoittomorrow.It’sthelastdaytogetintostats,soIdon’thaveachoice.It’sonmycalendarandIsetanalarm,sodon’tworry.”
Aloudgroancamethroughthephonespeaker.“Notthatyouaskedmeformyopinion,butIthinkyoushouldstayintheCSclass.Thinkaboutit.You’relearningnewthings,it’schallengingforyou,andyouwereenjoyingit.”Shesnorted.“Andhonestly,I’mprettyworriedbecauseyouhaven’tbeenhometwonightsinarow.Bethtoldmeyou’vebeenbunkingelsewherewithyourTA.”
Mentalnote,remindBethnottoratmeouttomyBFF.Thatwasroommatecode,right?Thoushaltnotdisclosepersonaldetailsofrent-payingroomietonon-rent-payingfreeloader.
“Soontobeex-TA,”Icorrected.“Andweren’tyoutheoneencouragingmetohavefunthissemester?”
“Yes,butJakeCho’sgottenallintoyourheadandyouneedtofocusonyourself.”Sheclearedherthroatanddeadpannedinavoiceimitatingmyveryownmother,“Ji-Yeon!Youneedworkhardincollege,datelater!”
“Thanks,Umma,”Iquipped.Itwasexactlymyparents’philosophyinhighschoolandcollege:makegoodgrades,don’tgetdistractedbyboys.AndthenwhenIleftCarlthorpe,bam!Acomplete180.Youneedaboyfriend,Lily.Youneedtogetmarried,Lily.Whyareyounotdatinganyone,Lily?Wherearemygrandchildren,Lily?Ai-ish!
Itwastoomuchpressure.Andtheyalwaysusedmyoldersisterasapointofcomparison:shegraduatedfromTuftsUniversity’sMD/PhDprogramandmetherMD/PhDhusbandthere.Itwaslikemysister,Sara,hadwonOlympicgoldsinbothindividualandteamevents.Twodoctorsbothwithdualdegrees?Fourdoctoratesinthefamily?Overkillmuch?
Anditneverended.I’dlearnedalotaboutmyselfthelastfewyearsfromnumeroustherapysessionsandconversationswithmyKoreanfriends,andnowthatIcouldrecognizethatthepressuresmyparentsplacedonmethroughoutmychildhoodandearlyadulthoodwereunfairanduntenable,Icouldseehowmymentalandphysicalhealthsufferedbecauseofit.CulturalstigmasprevalentintheAsiancommunity—andtheshameassociatedwithseekingmentalhealthsupportinmyfamily—preventedmefromgettinghelpearlier.Withtheburdenofgenerationalsuccessmyimmigrantparentsputonmeovertheyears,andthegoalpostofhighexpectationstheywerealwaysshiftingtoout-of-reachpositions,minimizingmyexposuretothemandsettingconversationboundariesweretheonlywaysIcouldkeepmyanxietyincheck.
IthelpedsomuchthatMiaandIbothcamefromsimilarculturalbackgrounds,andevenifitmeantusinghumorasameansofcopingwithoursharedtraumas,theopenandhonestconversationswecouldhavewitheachotherwereinvaluabletoouroverallmutualwell-being.
“Don’tworryaboutme.JakeandIhaveboundaries.Ihangoutathisplacesowe’renotseen,weorderpizzaandChinesefooddelivery,andkeepthingslow-key.Basically,it’slikecollegeagain.Thefirsttime.”
Miacluckedhertongue.“Ifyousayso.Didyousnooparoundhisplace?Doeshehave,like,asecretgunvaultoradrawerofsextoys?”
“That’snotgoingtohappen—he’salmostdonewithhisshower,”Iwhispered.“Andthere’snothingfreakyabouthimthatIcouldsee.”
“Maybeyoucouldlockhiminthebathroomsomehow.Don’tyouwanttoknowwhathe’sbeenuptothiswholetime?”
Shedidhaveapoint.Iknewprofessionallywhathehaddone,andwe’dcaughtuponhowourfamiliesweredoing.Wetalkedalittleaboutourparents:hiswereretiredinConnecticut,myparentsweremostlypreoccupiedwithmysisterandherfamily.Shehadtworambunctioustoddlerboysandmyparentswerehelpingouteveryotherweekend.Buttenyearswasalongtime.Thatwas120monthsofcollectingemotionalbaggage.Andpets.
Thephonebeeped.ItwasMiarequestingavideocall,andshegrinnedassoonasshesawmyface.“Ohman,youlooksohappy.IwanttosayI’melatedyou’vebeenrelievingyourstressthroughvigorousphysicalactivity,butyouNEEDtoshowmearoundhisplacerightnowsoIcanflaganysuspicious,serial-killer,freaky-deakyshit.”
“AndwhatifIdon’tgiveyouthevirtualtour?”Iprodded.
Sherolledhereyes.“Foryou,Iwouldbreakintoadude’shouseandlookaroundmyself.”
Mialaughedwhenshesaidit,butshewasthekindofpersonwhowoulddosomethinglikethatjusttoprotectme.Itwasadmirableandalittlebitfrightening.Itmademehappyshewasafriendandnotafoe.
IsighedandreversedthecamerasoIcouldpantheroom.“Bed,dresser,window,chairononeside.Closet…afewGrandCanyonandmountainrangepicturesonthewall,anightstand—”
“Canyougobackandturnonthelightinthecloset?Iwanttoseeifhe’smessyororganizeshisshitallneatinafucked-up,controllingway.”
Iflickedonthelight.Disorganizedpilesofsweatersandwinterclothesondrycleaninghangerscrowdedtheentirespace.“Doesthisscreamserialkillertoyou?”
Sheshrugged.“Heneedstogetsomerealhangers.Seriously,they’renotthatexpensive.”
Ipoppedmyheadintothehallwaybriefly,relievedJakewasstillshowering.“Onlyanotherminute,”Isaid.“He’llbeoutsoon.”
“Showmethebooksnext,”shesaid
Imovedthephoneacrossthetallwhitebookshelf.Miayelled,“Hey,stoprightthere.Who’sinthosephotos?”
“Justhishighschoolgraduation.”Hewasstandingwithhiscapanddiplomawithhisparentsandafewotheryoungpeople.Onewasagirl,andhisarmwasaroundher.“Idon’tseeanythingthat’slife-threateninghere.He’sjustplainol’Jakewithhishighschoolgirlfriend.It’sasweetphoto.”
Shecrinkledherbrow.“Canyouzoominonthepicturenexttothathighschoolone?”
“Why?It’sJake’scollegegraduationphotoswithhisparents.”Isighed.“Iguesshelikeshowhelooksincapsandgowns.Maybethat’swhyhe’sgoingforaPhD,justforthephotoop.”
Apangofsadnesshitme,notonlybecauseIwaslookingatacollegegraduationpictureandthatobviouslyhitmewhereithurt,buttenyearsago,atmyfakecommencement,wasalsooneofthelasttimesmyumma,appa,andIweretogethertocelebratesomething.Anditwasn’tevenforsomethingreal.Myolddiploma,ifIstillhadit,wasbogus.I’dachievedonelessmilestoneinmylifethiswholetime,andknowingIhadmessedupsomethingsosimplereallyscrewedwithmyhead.
“It’salittleweirdhedoesn’thavephotosthataremorerecent,I’lladmitthat.ButlikeIsaid,maybehe’sgotathingforgraduationgear.Anyway,arewedonehere?”Iasked.
“Notyet.Givemeaclose-upview.”Hereyesnarrowedassheexaminedthebookshelfonelasttime.“There’saframepushedtotheback,waybehindthehighschoolgradone.What’supwiththat?”
Thesmall4x6framewasintheshadowsbutstillnotcompletelyhiddenfromview.IpulleditforwardwhilekeepingmyphonepositionedontheshelfsoMiacouldgetagoodlooktoo.
Itwasaphotoofpresent-dayJake,withagorgeousAsianwoman.Fingersintertwined,smilingatthecamera.Herlefthandwasslightlyliftedtoshowoffasimplesolitaireengagementring.Heworeadressshirt,blackstripedtie,and,ofcourse,shorts.Awful,blackpleatedones.
MiasaiditbeforeIdid.“Holyshit!Thatwomanisthesamegirlinthehighschoolphoto.”
Thoughtsandmemoriesfromthepastfloodedmybrain.Thegirlinthehighschoolphotowashishighschoolsweetheart.Hehadbrokenupwithherincollegeafewmonthsbeforewestarteddating.MiaandIhadjokedaboutmebeingarebound.Butthiswomanintheengagementphoto…itwasher.
Jakehadgottenbackwithhisex.
When?
Howlongago?Andforhowlong?
Obviouslylongenoughtobealmostmarriedtoher.
Igulpedhardandtriedtocalmmybreathing.Miayelpedasshepiecedittogethertoo.“Ohhhhshit!That’shisre-ex!Wait,whatdoesthatmakeyou?”
Alsoare-ex?Mymindspuntothepointofdizziness.Wasthisapatternofhis?Do-overrelationshipswithex-girlfriends?Anddidhegorunningbacktohisexbecauseherealizedwhattheyhadwasbetterthanwhatwehad?
Jakecameintothebedroomandcaughtmewithhisengagementpictureinmyhand.
“Ohshit.”Hegrimaced.
IdroppedmyphoneasMiayelledonitswaydown,“Ohshitisright.”Fromthefloor,sheyelled,“JakeCho!Youhavesomeexplainingtodo!”ChapterTwenty-One
Icanexplain,”hepleadedwhilesecuringhistowelaroundhiswaist.“It’snotasbadasitlooks—although,itlooksprettybad.”
“Well,thatcertainlydoesn’tsoundgood,”Mia’smuffledvoicecriedoutfromthecarpet.ForabriefmomentI’dforgottenshewasstillthere.
Ipickedupthephone.“Sorry,Mia,Ihavetogo.”
“But—”
Iendedthecall.Stillsimmeringwithanger,Ihaphazardlyputonmyclothesandthrewmyphoneandchargerintomybag.ThelastthingIneededrightnowwastobeemotionallytiedupwithaguywhowasstillhunguponhisex.Hisre-ex.Orex-ex.Specificallythepersonwhohewasdatingbeforeme,andthenhadgonebacktosometimeafterwe’dbrokenup,todateagain.Hewasgoingtomarryher,datingmebackthenonlyasarebound.Idon’tknowwhythishadmeworkedupsomuchgivenourtimetogetherincollegewassofarinthepast,butitdid.Mystomachturnedsourthinkingabouthowhe’dgivenmehopethatmaybeweweremeanttobetogetherthissecondtime.He’dprobablymadeherthinkthesamething.
Afreshwoundtotheheartduringacriticalmidtermseason.Fantastic.
“We’reover,herandme.Webrokeupafewmonthsago.”
Sothiswasafreshbreakup?Evenworse.Thatdidnotbodewellforus,especiallygivenhishistoryofrepeatdating.
Crossingmyarms,Isaid,“Youprobablythoughtyoutwowereoverincollegetoo.Butthenlateryouputaringonherfinger.”
Hepursedhislips.“Wewereover,andyes,westarteddatingagainyearslater,becausewesaweachotheratourten-yearhighschoolreunionandhadafuntimetogether.Shepursuedmehardanditwasflattering,tobehonest,becauseIhadn’treallydatedmuchsincecollege.Butaswespentmoretimewitheachother,itwasclearwe’dbothchanged,andnotinwaysthatwerecompatible.”Heretuckedhistoweltotightenit.“I’dfinallygottenmyacttogetherprofessionallybygoingbacktoschoolformyPhD,andshewashighonthecorporateladderataninsurancecompany,beinggroomedforanexecutiveposition.ShenaggedmeallthetimeaboutfinishingmyPhDquicklysoIcouldgetarealjob,andcalledmelazyprettymucheveryday.Ouradultlivesdiverged,andweweremoredifferentthaneverbefore.”
Hecontinued.“Iendeditofficiallyafewmonthsago.Wehookedupafewtimeswhilewewerebrokenupthough.”Jakebithislowerlip,thenranhisfingersthroughhisdamphair.“MaybeIshouldn’thavesaidthatlastpart.Idon’tsupposeitwouldmakeitbetterifItoldyouthatshewastheonewhoboughttheframedphotoandputitonmyshelf?”
Um,no.“Thatmightactuallybeworse.”Ishookmyhead.Ididn’twanttousetheterm“lazy,”especiallyafterhementionedhowithurthisfeelings,butwasitreallythathardtogetridofaframedphotofromyourshelf?
Therewassomethingelseaboutwhathesaidthatbuggedme.“So,shepursuedyouafteryourreunion?Andinhighschoolshepursuedyouthentoo?”
Henodded.“Yeah.Why?”
“Haveyoueverpursuedsomeoneromantically,orhaveyoualwaysjustgonewiththeflow?Wereallofyourrelationshipsoutofconvenience?”Ifhisexmadethefirstmoves,andincollegeifwegottogetheronlybecausewe’dbothbrokenupwithoursignificantothersanditwassuperconvenientforbothofus,whatdidthatmeanforusnow?I’dfoundmyselfinhisclassbychanceand—ohGod,wasthisonlydatingofconvenience?Didheevenknowhowtopassionatelypursueanything?
Iwasnotgoingtobepartofthis…whateverthiswas.Agame?Anunhealthypsychologicalpattern?Noway.Notme.
Myheartconstrictedinsidemychest.“I’msorry,thisthingbetweenushastoend.It’snotworkingforme,”Iblurted.“Ihavemidtermstostudyforandanauthoreventcomingup.Ineedtogo.”
“Wait!”Jakewasstillinhistowel,salt-and-pepperhairglistening,withwaterdropletstricklingdownhischest.Damn,IneededtogetoutofherebeforeIoutrightlostmymind.
Igrabbedmybagandheadedtowardthedoor.“I’llseeyouaround.”Platonically.
Jaketookholdofmyarmandtuggedgently.“Okay,pleasedon’tforgettodroptheclass.They’restrictaboutthatandappealsafterthefinaldropdaterarelygetapproved.Idon’twantyoutogetpenalizedagain.”
Right.TheCSclass.I’dalmostforgotten.AllthepointsMiahadmadeaboutwhyIshouldkeeptheclassmigratedfromthebackofmymindtothefront.Shewasright.InFundamentalsofCodeIwaslearningsomethingnew.Thecourseworkandlectureswereinteresting,challenging,andrewarding.Andgettinganinterviewforthatcovetedinternshipatacompanyrated“BestPlacetoWork”byForbesandTime,thatwouldbeasolidbonus.IfJakeandIwerefinishedwith…whateverthiswasbetweenus…maybethiscollegedo-overwouldprovetobeworththetimeandeffortifIstuckwithcomputerscience.
Mymindwasmadeup.Andtheloomingdeadlinehelpedpropelmeintoaction.
“I’mkeepingtheCSclass.”
Jake’seyesopenedwide.“Youwhat?”
Mychestswelledwithconviction.“I’mkeepingtheclass.I’mgoingtodomybest,studyhard,trytoacetheexam,andthenseewhathappenswiththatinternship.”
Hefrowned.“Andwhataboutus?”HisdownturnedlipslookedsadderthanI’deverseenthembefore.
Well,thatreallywasthemillion-dollarquestion.DidIwishthingswerelesscomplicatedandIcouldravagehimrightnow,withnostringsattached,yankingoffhistowelandpretendingIwasasexymatador?Yes.Butthatwasn’thowtherealworldworked,andIhadtothinkaboutwhatwasbestforme.“Truthfully,Idon’tknow.Butfornow,we’rebacktothewayitwasjustafewdaysago,TAandstudent.Backtoboundaries.”ItookastepbacktosymbolicallyshowthatIwouldpracticewhatIpreached.Nomorespecialclosed-doorofficehours.Nomorespendingthenight.Noneofthatanymore.
Jakewalkedmetothefrontdoor,andspokeoncehe’dunlockedthedeadbolts.“Goodluckwithexams.Andletmeknowifyouneedanything.I’vebeenprettybusylatelysoyoumightnotseemearoundasmuch,butmaybeit’sforthebetter,sowecanfocusonwhat’simportant.”
Inodded.Ithurtmyhearttosaygoodbyeafterwe’dhadafewdaysofcarefreefun,butitwastimetogetbacktoreality.“Bye,Jake.”
Helookedatthefloor.“Ihopetoseeyouaround.AndIhopeyougettheinternship.”
Theporchlightsflickedonasheclosedthedoor,andamovementatthewindowcausedmetoturnmyhead.ItwasJake’sdogandcat,peeringatmethroughthelongcream-coloreddrapes.Iwavedatthem,offeringthemasadsmile,thenscampereddownthesteps.ChapterTwenty-Two
TheCSmidtermandtheO’Haraauthoreventfellonthesameday.AssoonasIfinishedmyexaminthemorning,IjumpedintoMia’scarsowecouldbookitstraighttoNewYorkCitytomakeittotheeveningbooklaunch.Toaddliteralsprinklestomyshitsundae,itstartedraining,whichmadevisibilitynearlyimpossiblethankstothehalf-speedwindshieldwipersonMia’smillion-year-oldMazda.Ourtotaldrivetimeshotupanentirehour.
“Ihavetopee,”sheexclaimedasIthrewmybelongingsintothebackseat.
“Areyouserious?Youdidn’tgowhenyouwereinourapartment?”Miahadspentalotoftimeatourplacelately,somuchinfactthatshewasnowpracticallylivingwithBethandme.Itwasweirdgoingbacktothecitynow:I’dgottenusedtoaslower-paced,shelteredcollege-townlife.AndMiahadgottenusedtolivingwithusrent-freeandeatingBeth’sunlimitedpecanbars.
Sheshookherhead.“Itjusthitmeonthedrivehere.Stayinthecarandkeeptheenginerunningifyou’recold.I’llgoinoneoftheengineeringbuildings,wheretherewillbeplentyofladies’roomstallsopen.”
IpulleddownthesunvisortoseethedamageI’dcausedfrompullinganall-nighter.Onmostdays,Ilookedandfeltyouthfulenoughtoblendreasonablywellintotheuniversitypopulation,butnotatthatmoment.Ahollow-eyed,sallow-skinned,baggy-eyedversionofmestaredback,thenaturallightenhancingandhighlightingmypoormakeupconcealment.Formetolookfreshandatthetopofmygamefortheeveningevent,Iwouldneedtotakeanapinthecarandpraythattherestorativepowerofsleepcouldhelprepairmyfixer-upperface.
Miajumpedbackintothedriver’sseatandthrewabagofchipsatme.“Foundavendingmachine.Iassumedyouhadwateralreadysinceyoucarryaroundthattwo-literbottleofyoursallthetime.”
IlookeddownatmyXLHydroFlask.“Firstofall,itwasonsaleatthebookstore.Andsecond,Isavemoneybynotbuyingbottledwateranymore.”
SheharrumphedandputherDietCokeinthecirculardrinkconsole.Whilefiddlingwiththesoundsystemsheasked,“Howwastheexam?Didyouaceit?”
Iansweredherwithwhatmytherapisthadhelpedmetosay.“IdidthebestIcoulddowithinmyabilitiesandwithinmycontrol,”adding,“MynerveshitprettyhardwhenIreadexamproblemsaboutinterfacesinJava.ButthenIreallyhitmygroove.”
Shelookedatme.“That’sthenerdiestthingI’veeverheardyousay.Butitsoundsawesome.”Miaturnedherattentionbacktotheroad,thumpingherfingersonthesteeringwheelasshesetthecruisecontrol.“I’mproudofyou,girl.”
“Thanks!Ifit’sokaywithyou,Imightneedtoconkoutfortherestofthetrip.I’mexhausted.”
“Noproblem.Ihavejustthethingtoputyoutosleep.”Sheswitchedthemediamodetoaudiobookandhitplay.AsIreclinedtoabetterrestingposition,Iheardanannoying,haughtyvoicecomeoverthespeakers.
“ChapterOne.BeingBornintotheO’HaraLegacy.”ItwasCameronO’Hara,narratingtheYouGo,Girl!book.IboltedupfrommyseatandMiaburstintolaughter.
“Idownloadedasamplechapterfromthepublisher’swebsitekindaasajoke,butshit,Ididn’tknowhenarratedit.Isn’titafemaleempowermentbook?Whyisn’tMarynarratingiftheywantedanO’Hara?It’ssuchabadlook.”
Itwas.Andaninterestingpotentialquestionfortheevent,especiallyifCampissedmeoffandIwasfeelingpunchy.IhadskimmedtheadvancecopyofYouGo,Girl!,anditwasclearthattherewasn’tanythinginsightfulorgroundbreakingthatmadethebookstandoutfromtheotherprecedingfemale-focusedbusinessbooksontheshelves.ManyofthepointsinthebookwerealsoinLeanIn,HowWomenRise,andeveninmyHowtoBeaWorkSupernova.Menalreadydominatedthenonfictionbusinessbookmarket—didwereallyneedthemnarratingwomenempowermentbusinessbookstoo?
IdozedoffinstantlyandwhenIawoke,Miawaspayingatollboothworker.“Hey,SleepingBeauty.Youwereoutlikealighttheentiretrip.Andyoumissedadrive-throughstop.Yourloss.”
Myeyesfocusedonthedashboardclock.WewereenteringManhattanwithadecentamountoftimetospare.Shemust’vedrivenfifteentotwentymilesoverthespeedlimitthewholeway.
Isatup.“Thanksforgivingmetimetogetready.Areweheadedtoyourplace?”Myvoicecroakedoutthosewords.Imust’vebeensleepingwithmymouthopen.Wonderful.
Shepointedtoabagonthefloor.“IboughtyouaHappyMeal.Ididn’tknowhowhungryyou’dbe.”
Mialovedherfastfood.Herconsumptionmantrawas“organic=wormsenclosed,”andhonestly,shewaskindofright.Asroommates,anytimewewentonahealthfoodkickandboughtorganicveggiesorfruitfromthestoreorfarmers’markets,wealmostalwaysfoundcreepy-crawlythingslurkingintheleaves.I’dgottenusedtowashingandde-verminizingmyfood,butMiaenthusiasticallytooktheoppositeapproachbydeliberatelyseekingoutGMOsandconventionallyfarmedproduce,andfindingjoyindrive-throughs.
ThesunhadjustdescendedbehindthetallestMidtownskyscrapersaheadofus,givingthecityskylinealiteralglow-up.AyellowtaxibehindushonkedasMiatriedtopullintoaspotthatablackLincolnTownCarhadjustleftopen.Shepulledinwithexpert-levelparallelparking,andthetaxidriverrolledhiswindowdownandscreamedprofanitiesatusashespedaway,usingphrasesthatdidn’tnecessarilymakesensestrungtogether,like“punkbitchasssonofabitch.”
Miashiftedthegearintoparkandrelaxedhershoulders.“Homesweethome.”
“Thankssomuchfordriving.I’msorryIdidn’tevenswitchoffwithyouanddomyshare.”
Shepoppedopenthetrunk.“Noworries.Youcandrivebackhome.”
Mynotificationsalertedmethattheeventwasintwohours.Withourrollerbagsinhand,weascendedthestaircasetothetopfloorofthefive-storywalkup.IthadbeenawhilesinceI’dmadethetrektoherapartment,andIhadtopauseafewtimestocatchmybreath.
“Collegehasmadeyoutoosoft,”MiateasedasshesprintedupthelastflightwithherSamsoniterollerbagintow.BythetimeImadeitthroughherfrontdoor,shehadalreadypulledtwocansofbeerfromherfridge.
Ishookmyhead.“Nothanks,Idon’tliketodrinkbeforeevents.Dullsmybrainandthefizzmakesmeburp.”
TheIPAhissedasshepushedinthetab.“Theseareactuallybothforme.Youcangetyourown.I’mnotyourbutler.”Webothburstintoafitofgiggles.Itwasnicetobeback,butitfeltalittleweirdnow,havingfunwithoutBethinthemix.
Idrankthelastremainingsipsfrommywaterbottle,thenheadedtothebathroomtochange.Thelightingwassoftandmuted,whichmadeithardtoapplymymakeup.Amoreharshlylitenvironmentmeanttherewerenosurprises,andnothingwashidden.Inthismirror,Ilookedtoowellrested,energized,andevenkindofpretty,inaphotoairbrushfiltersortofway,soIrelocatedtoMia’shigh-wattagebedroomtogetadoseofreality.Turningonheroverheadlights,thefloorlamp,andtheringlightonherdeskwouldletthetrueLilyemergesoIcouldconceal,pat,andpaintontheimageofasuccessfulcareerwoman.
Aftertryingonthreedifferentoutfits,Isettledonasheathdresswithachevronpatternandafittedblackblazer.IfoundMialounginginthelivingroomandspuninacirclesoshecouldgiveappropriatefeedback.“Whatdoyouthink?”Iasked.
“Youlooklikeasmart,sexynewscaster.It’sagoodlook.Doyoustillhaveyourblacklibrarianglasses?”
Ifishedthemoutofmypurseandperchedthemonmynose.
“Yes,”sheagreed.“That’sperfect.Youaresmart,sexy,andalittleintimidating.You’dhardlyguessyouwerebutamerecollegestudenttakinganexamearliertoday!”Miaraisedthetwobeersinherhands.“Cheers!”
Igrabbedmybagandthesparesetofkeys,thenheadedtotheeventatGramercyBookstore,eightblocksaway.Itwasmychoiceforvenue,andI’dpickeditbecauseitwaswoman-ownedandnearMia’sapartment.AcrowdhadalreadyformedoutsidewhenIarrived.IfIhadtoguess,itwasmostlyfriendsoftheO’Haras.Lotsofpearlnecklaces,Hermèsties,andChanelpurses.Anopeninginthedoorwayallowedmetoslipthroughtotheeventareatofindabookstoreemployeeorpublicitymanagerhostingtheevent.
“You’rehere!”Tomysurprise,MaryO’Hararanuptomeandofferedahandshake.“I’msogladyoumadeit.Thanksfordoingthiseventwithus.I’mahugefan,asyoualreadyknow.”
Assheenergeticallypumpedmyhandupanddown,Istudiedherfacetoseeifshewasbeinggenuine.Sheworeanearnestgrinacrossherface,whichmademebelieveher.MaybeMaryactuallywantedmetobethere,andthat’swhyshe’dpushedthepublicityteamforthislaunchevent.ItseemedmuchmoreplausiblethanCameronbeingthethoughtleaderwhenitcametofindinganin-conversationpartnerwhodidn’tlooklikehimself.
Cameronemergedfromtheemployeebackroom,asifmyinnerthoughtsconjuredevilspirits.Hewhisperedtohissister,“Ican’tbelievetheydidn’tofferuscraftservices.Wehavetoeatanddrinkoutherewiththeregularpeople.”Hewavedtowardthepatronsofthebookstore,andIcouldnothelpbutnoticethatI,too,wasincludedintheareawithinhisdismissivehandswing.
“Cam,Lily’shere,ourconversationpartnertoday.”
Ireachedoutmyhand,onlytohavehimmutter,“Goodtoseeyouagain,”asheofferedaquickhandshake,thenbeelinedpastmetoacouplewhohadjustclaimedseatsintheaudience.Iknewwhotheywere.TheVanSantpowercouple,angelinvestorswhowereonMSNBC,Bloomberg,andCNNBusinessaroundtheclock.
IofferedMaryatightsmile.“Well,I’msurethey’remoreinterestingthanme.DidyougetthequestionsIsentafewdaysago?Wantedtogiveyoutheopportunitytoprepare,anddependingonyouranswers,Imightaddafewoff-the-cuffquestionsintothemix,tokeeptheconversationflowingorganically.”
“Thanksforsendingthoseearly.Andyourplansoundsgreat.”
Theeventdrewapredominantlywhitecrowd,butamongthemorediverseattendeeswasahealthyrepresentationofAsianAmericanwomen,manyofwhomhadmybookintheirhands,ontheirlaps,orstickingoutoftheirtotebags.Myheartburstintoconfettiandministreamersastheeventsmanagerfromthebookstoreintroducedus.
Whilesmilingforforty-fiveminutesstraight,IaskedtheO’Harasallofmypreparedquestions,alternatingbetweenthem.Whatwasitliketowriteabooktogether,Cam?Howlongdidittakeyoutowriteit,Mary?Cam,didyououtlinefirst?Lastone,Mary…didyouwritetogetherordivideandconquer?
TheremainingfifteenminuteswasanopenQ&Afortheliveaudienceandforthevirtualparticipantsstreamingtheeventonthebookstore’swebsite.Thefirstquestionwasfromaguestinthefrontrow:Whatareyouallworkingonnow?
IlettheO’Harasspeakfirstandusedthattimetorackmybrainforananswer.Wordwoulddefinitelygetbacktomyeditor,andsinceI’dbeengivingKatherineandtheeditorialassistant,Amanda,vaguenon-updatesthelastcoupleofmonthswhileIwasstudyingatCarlthorpe,mypublishingteamwasprobablyjustaseagertohearhowcloseIwastoturninginmynextprojectaseveryoneelseintheaudience.MaryO’Harasaidshewantedtowriteanewbookaboutphilanthropyandwasresearchingfoundations.Cameronsaidhewasgoingtosetupmeetingswithsome“buddiesofhisinHollywood”toseeifhisbookhadmoviepotential.Theaudiencedidn’tsoundsurprisedbyeitheroftheiranswers.
Myturn.“Idon’twanttogiveawaytoomuch,butI’vebeenspendingalotoftimeresearchingthepursuitofdreamjobs.It’stakenmelongerthanI’dhopedtowritethisnextone,andI’vebeendistractedwithpersonalmatterslately,butI’mhopingtohavetimeinthenextfewweekstohunkerdownandgetitalldownonpaper.”Miahadbeenupdatingmysocialmediaaccountswithgenericpostsaboutfindinginspiration,replenishingyourcreativewell,andgettingoutofcareerruts.Ifanyonewasfollowingme,theywouldseethosemessagesaligningwithwhatI’djustsharedwiththecrowd.
ThenextquestionwasfromaformerteacheroftheO’Haras.“Where’syourfavoriteplacetowrite?”
Maryofferedmytypicalanswer:incoffeeshops.Cameronsaid,notevenjoking,onhisyacht.
Iresponded,“Iloveagoodcoffeeshoptoo.Itreallyawakensallofmysenses,andIcan’tgetenoughofthatgroundcoffeearoma.Iwishsomeonecouldsellthisscentasacandle.ButIalsolovelibraries,I’vebeenspendingalotoftimeinthemlately.”
“TheNewYorkPublicLibrary?”Cameron’sthickcaterpillarbrowquirkedup.
Isidesteppedhisquestion.“It’soneofmyfavorites.”
“I’llhavetotryitsometime,Iguess.”Icouldn’tpicturethatatall.Icould,however,pictureCameronbuildingafancylibrary,eachshelffilledwithhisowncoauthoredbooks,onhisyacht.
Theeventmanagerchirped,“Wehavetimeforonemorequestionfromthein-personaudience,andthenwe’llseeifwehavetimetotakeafewfromthevirtualviewers.Feelfreetoaddcommentsorquestionsinthechat.”ShepointedtoanAsianwomaninthefrontrow.
“Hi,thankyousomuch.I’mHaleyCha.”Sheclearedherthroat.“Whatinspiredyoutowriteyourbook?OrinMs.Lee’scase,thefirstbookinherseries?”
Marygesturedformetogofirst,butnotsurprisingly,Cameronstartedspeaking.“Ihadn’tseenanyonewriteabookfromaperspectivelikeours.MaryandIwantedthistobelikea‘mentorshipinabook’forpeoplejuststartedoutintheircareers,givingreal-life,practical,actionableadvicethatworks,aswellasofferingperspectivesofotherswhoalsohadtobuildtheircareersfromthegroundup.”
Hiswordshitmelikeuppercutjabstothechin.HehadsaidnearlyverbatimwhatI’dexpressedtoMaryandhiminconfidencewhenwemetinperson.Itwaslow,notonlytotakewordsfromotherpeople’smouthsandpretendtheywereyourown,buttonotgivemecrediteither?Thiswasabsolutebullshit.Andhewasn’tgoingtogetawaywithit.
Maryjumpedin,hervoicewavering.“JustwantedtoaddthattheseviewswereoriginallysharedbyLily,whoreallyisourbeaconoflight.We’refollowingthepathshealreadyforgedwithhardwork,sweat,andtears,sowereallyappreciatethat.”
“Thankyou,Mary.Camerontookthewordsrightoutofmymouth.Literally.”IshotalookatCameron,whodidn’tevenblinkaneyeafterplagiarizingasoundbitefrommypreviousconversationwithhim,pretendingitwashisownuniqueinsight.“Ithinkwe’renearlyoutoftime,butifanyonewouldliketoaskmefollow-upquestions,I’dbehappytostayafewminutesaftertheeventtoanswerthem.”MyfistsshookwithangerasItriedtocalmmyerratic,slightlypanickedbreathing.
Iglancedatmypurse.Therewereprescriptionpillsinthezipperedsidepocketforemergencyuseonly.HopefullyIwouldn’tneedthem.
Theeventsmanagerchirped,“Unfortunately,itlookslikeweareovertimeactually.Butwehaveafewquickcommentsfromthevirtualevent-goers.‘Goodluckwithyourlaunch,CamandMary,’that’sfromMrs.Murphy,thechiefpeopleofficerattheO’HaraHoldingCompany.LotsofpeoplearesayinghiandthankyoutoLily,forbeinganinspirationtowomeneverywhere.”
Iblushed.“Thankyou!”Irespondedcheerily.
“Onemorecomment,fromLily’smom.”
Mystomachlurched.Ohno.
“Shesays‘Daebak!Lily,pleasecallhomesoon.’”
Chucklesrippledacrosstheliveaudience.Ilaughedtoo.
“Shealsosays,‘Goodluckwithyourstudying.’I’mnotsurewhatshemeansbythat.”
Ohshit.
Thecrowdnoticeablyquieted,givingmeverylittletimetothinkonmyfeetwithanexplanation.“Thanksforwatching,Mom.”Ismiledattheaudience.“Asusual,she’stryingtokeepmeontask.I’msureshe’sreferringtoalltheresearchandwritingformynewbook.Itfeelsveryacademic.”MybodytemperatureroseasIspoke.Myskinwasburningwithdiscomfort.
Theaudienceclappedaswestoodandmadeourwayoffthestage.CameronapproachedagroupofwomenfromLondonBusinessSchool,andasIwalkedtothebuffettabletogrababottleofwater,IheardCamsayoutloudtoallofthem,“Iagree,Lily’slatestbookisprimarilygearedtowardwomenofcolor,butI’darguethatourbookcouldbetoo.Imean,whobettertoprovideadviceonhowtomakeitinawhiteman’sworldthanasuccessfulwhiteman?”
Didheseriouslyjustsaythattoagroupofprofessionalwomen?Camwaslikeacaricatureofacocky,privilegedstockcharacterinamainstreamsitcom,butIknewaswellasanyonethattheseguysreallydidexistintherealworld.I’dencounteredplentyofthem,andtheyreallydidgettheirwaymostofthetime,bothinacademiaandinthecorporateworld,restingontheirlaurelsofmediocrity.Theydelegatedworkandtookcredit.Theyrephrasedideasinmeetingsandweretoutedasthesmartestonesintheroom.Senior-levelexecutives,bothmenandwomenalike,inmostindustriesroutinelyofferedtheCameronsoftheworldunlimitedchancestoshine,butweremorerigidandscrutinizingofotherswhodidn’tfitthatdemographic.
ItremindedmeofaNewYorkercartoonofamanandwomanonadate.Shestaresblanklyathimasheenthusiasticallysays,“Letmeinterruptyourexpertisewithmyconfidence.”ThatwasthepersonificationofCameron.
Thegroupofyoungwomenmigratedawayfromhimandgatheredaroundme.Oneofthemtuckedabrown,curlylockbehindherearandspoke.“Iamsohappyyou’rehere.ItookthetraininfromConnecticut!Ilovedyourcareerguideandcan’twaittoreadtheentireseries.Areyousigningbookstoday?”
Mychestswelledwithpride.Ihadn’thadmanysigningevents,sothiswasarareopportunityforme.“Yes,Iam!LetmefindatableandaSharpie.”
Shesmirked.“Canyoupersonalizemine?I’dloveforyoutowritesomethinglike‘CameronO’Haraisaloserandhasnobusinesswritingabookaboutcareeradversity.’”
Ilaughedhard.Akindredspirit.“Imightneedtoparaphraseitalittle,butI’dbehappytosignyourcopy.”
Alonglineformedbehindher,andeachreaderletmeknowhowI’dhelpedherprofessionalcareer.Onewomanasked,“Isyournewbookcomingoutsoon?”
Oneofthewomeninlinenodded.“Theworldneedstohearwhatyouhavetosay.”
Myheartsqueezed.“Thankyou.I’mworkingonit.”ChapterTwenty-Three
MymidtermexamresultscameinwhileweweredrivingbackfromNYCthenextmorning.IslappedMiaonthearm,wakingherupfromherdroolyslumber.
Shesquintedatme.“Shit,Iwashavingagooddreamtoo!What?Isittimetoeat?”
Ipointedtomyphoneperchedonthecarmount.“Youneedtoclickonthelink.MygradescameinandIcan’tpulloverrightnowtocheck.Sorryaboutwakingyouup,butyouknow,it’surgent.”
Miasighedandshiftedherseatintoanuprightposition.Aftergrabbingmyphoneandclickingaround,shesquealed.“Well,hotdamn!YougotanA.TWOAs.Wait,youdidn’ttellmeyoutookstatsANDcomputerscience!Ithoughtyouweredroppingoneandaddingtheother?”
Ibeamed.“AndIhavemyinfluencercultureclasspaperdueattheendoftheterm,butI’vegottenhighmarkssofar.Iaddedstatsbecauseitwasaneasierclassforme,butdidn’tdropCS.IfiguredIhadthetimeandwantedtoprovetomyselfthatIcouldstilllearnsomethingafterall.”
Shetappedherheadtwicewithherindexfinger.“That’ssmart.Wasitmoreexpensivetoaddextraclasses?”
Ishrugged.“Iworkedoutthefinances,butIfiguredifstatsismoreofasurethinggrade-wise,itwouldhelpmehedgeifmyCSgradeisterrible.AndintheGlobalAudienceandInfluencerCultureclassI’mactuallylearningalotthatmighthelpmebuildanaudienceformybooks.”
Miasaid,“It’sexcitingnews.TwoAs!Toobadtherearen’talotofpeopleyoucantellrightnow.”
Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Myfingersrolledina1-2-3-4countonthesteeringwheel.
Miaputthephonebackonthecradle.“YouwanttotextJake,don’tyou?”
“No.”Maybe.“Ofcoursenot.”Okay,yes.IwantedtoseeifIwasstillatthetopoftheclass.
Shepausedwhenshenoticedmyphonelightup.“Well,well,well,Jakeyjustsentyouamessagesayinghewasproudofyou.Whereareyouguysatrightnow?Fighting?HavingI-hate-you-but-DAMN-you’re-hotsex?ShouldIsendhimamiddlefingeremoji,ortheeggplantone?”
Inarrowedmyeyesandshotheranexasperatedlook,whichsheignoredbecauseshewasbusyswirlingherindexfingernexttomycheekandlaughing.“You’reblushing!Anyway,thegoodnewsishetextedfirst,sohe’sthinkingaboutyou.WhenyoutoldmehewasbackatCarlthorpe,IwasrootingforaBenAffleckandJenniferLopezsecondchance,happy,healthyreunion.Andnowwithhimtextingyou,I’mfeelingit.InsteadofBennifer,youcanbeJily…orLacob.”
“Youcangobacktosleepnow,”Ideadpanned.“Infact,Iinsist.”
Aftersomemoreteasing,sheshiftedherseatuprightandswitchedtheconversationtomoreseriousmatters.“I’vebeenuploadingphotostoyoursocialmediaaccountandaskedyourin-housepublicisttosendphotosfromyourevent,whichIjustsharedpublicly.Youhadagreatturnout.Canyoubelieveyourmomshoweduptothevirtualpartoftheevent?Andlotsofpeoplearecommentingabouthowyourevealedmoreaboutyournextprojectandtheycan’twaittoseewhatyournextbookisabout!”
“Ican’twaittoseewhatmynextbookisabout,”Iscoffed.
MiashotmeaWTFlookthatIcouldseeinmyperipheralview.“Youstilldon’tknowwhatyourbookisgoingtobeabout?Ithoughtyougotanextensionanditwasdueinafewweeks.”
Istaredhardattheroad.“Itwassupposedtobeaboutgettingyourdreamjob,butc’mon,lookatmenow.I’veregressedsomuchthelastfewmonthsandoneofmyonlyjobprospectsrightnowisaninternship,andit’salongshot.Whowantstohearaboutaloserthirty-somethinggoingbacktocollegetofinishherdegree?”
“OhmyGod,areyoukidding?ThisiswhatpeopleLOVEtohearabout!Trustme,I’maPRperson.Thisisexactlythekindofstoryeveryoneloves.NoonegivesashitabouttheO’Haras.Okay,well,certainpeopledo,I’llgiveyouthat,therewillalwaysbepeopleobsessedwiththerichandfamous.Butyouhaveauniquestorythatrarelyhappenstopeoplebutisoddlyrelatable,andyouareabsolutelykillingit.It’saboutresilienceandperseverance.Humilityandgrace.YouhavetwoAsonyourmidtermsinmathandCSclassesatCarlthorpe,whichwasrecentlyrankednumberoneinmoststudiousuniversities,beatingoutalltheIviesandengineeringprograms.It’sanerdyschool,Lily,andyou’redoinggreat…maybeevenbetterthanyoudidtenyearsago.That’ssomething.”
Ipursedmylips,fightingasmile.“Wow,thewayyou’retalkingmeup,youalmostmakemewanttobelieveinmyselftoo.”Webothlaughed.“Ihadtoclearmycalendarofvirtualbookevents,podcasts,andguestblogssoIcouldstudy,andfeltatonofguiltforsayingnotothings,butI’mgladit’spayingoff.”
Sheclappedherhandstogether.“Ithinkweshouldgooutandcelebrate.You’reaSTEMINATORnow.”
“Stop.”
“STEMINIST?”sheasked.
“No.”
“STEM-ALICIOUS?”
“OhmyGod,quitit!”Ismirked.“Fine,let’sgocelebrate,butnofratpartiesplease.”
“Great!I’lltextBeth.ShouldIinvite…Jake?Ibetyourmomwouldwanttocome.”
Hellno.“Iwantthiscelebrationtobeeasy.LikeFrenchfries,nachos,andsangriaathomeeasy.Notex-boyfriend-turned-teaching-assistant,turned-friend-with-benefits,turned-back-to-TAmessy.I’mdiscoveringthisthingJakeandIhaveistheoppositeofnostringsattached.It’slitteredwithboobytraps,landmines,tripwires,handgrenades,andeventhosehiddensnaresthatstringpeopleupbytheankleandhangthemupsidedownfromtalltrees.”
“Nowyou’rejustbeingdramatic,”Miasaid.
Ishotback,“No,dramaticwouldbeincludinganelaboratetrappingpit,thekindthat’scamouflagedwithbranchesandleaves.”
Shemuttered,“Okay,sonoJake.Andobviouslynoparents.Howaboutyourotherfriends,theonesfromthefratparty?”
ItooktheHillAvenueexit,themaindragleadingtoCarlthorpe.Afterfourhoursofdriving,wewouldbebacktoouridylliccampuslifeinamatterofminutes.“Ilikethem,butlet’sjustkeepitsimpleandlow-key,Idon’twanttocelebrateifmyfriendsdidn’tgetgoodgradesontheirexams.”
Shenodded,agreeingwithmeforonce.“Ihavesomedowntime,justwrappeduptwobigprojectsandamrampinguponanotheronesoon.I’llgogroceryshoppingandwecanmakeafeast.”
“Aslongasthere’swine,I’min.”
Shereclinedherchair.“Withme,therewillalwaysbewine,youknowthat.”
Ismiled.“Andthat’swhyIloveyou.”
***
BECAUSEITWASmycelebrationnight,MiaandBethkeptmeoutofthekitchenwhiletheyprepareddinner.Itwasagoodthingtoo,becausewhenIpeekedin,everysinglepotandpanwaseitherbeingusedorinthesink.TheyrefusedanyhelpwhenIofferedtocookorclean,soItookaseatinfrontoftheTVandaskedSirionmyphonetoflipacoin.Headswasbakingshows.Tailswastruecrime.
“It’stails,”Siriconfirmed.
Ipickedanew-release,small-townserial-killerdocumentaryandyelled,“I’mpressingplayonthelatestmurdershow!”butthenhitthepausebuttonwhenthetitleSlaughtertown,USAappearedandmyfriendsstillhadn’tmadeanappearance.Butwhatevertheyweredoinginthere,itwasmakingourcozyapartmentsmelllikeheaven,withsavoryaromasofonion,garlic,andsesameoil,accompaniedbynotesofconfectionarysweetnessfromvanilla,brownbutter,andchocolate.FeelingguiltywhenIheardallthebangingandclankingofmetal,IpatientlywaitedforthemwhilesippingSyrahandresearchingtheinternshipprogramofferedbySolvTechnologies.Idiscoveredthatthecofounder,ananthromajor,graduatedfromCarlthorpeafewyearsbehindme.Well,IguesstechnicallyIwasafewyearsbehindhimnow.
WasitdepressingthatmyverybestjobprospectatthemomentwasforaninternshipatacompanywheretheCEOwasthreeyearsyounger?Maybemorethanalittle.Andthefactthatitwascurrentlymyonlyjobprospectmademechugmyremaininghalfglassofwine.Iexaminedthebottle.Two-thirdsleft.I’dneedtopacemyself.
BeforeIreturnedtoCarlthorpe,SolvTechnologieswasacompanyIneverhadonmyradar,becauseitwasrumoredthattheyallowedonlyacertaincaliberofcandidatestointerview.Oneswhohadallthecheckboxestickedandtherightpedigree.Withoutanytechindustryexperience,mycandidacywouldhavebeenanimmediate“no”withoutsomuchasaphonescreen.TheCScourseIwastakingwasn’taweederclassforhard-coreengineeringstudents,butwithaprofessorontheirboardwhowaswellknownforworkingwithlargetechcompaniesandteachingcodingcurriculadesignedforreal-worldexperiences,itwasagreatwaytofindgraduateswhosharedthesameprogrammingphilosophytoplaceinrolesthroughoutthecompany.Itwasrevolutionaryreally,andprettycoolthatIwasoneofthestudentsvyingforaposition.
Ilookedatmyglassandswirledtheburgundyelixir.WhendidIpourmorewine?
“Whoooooo’sreadyforafeast?”Miapoppedherheadintotheroomandwavedformetocomeintothekitchen.
Carryingthewineglassinonehandandthebottleintheother,Imigratedovertomyfriends,whereamulticoursebanquetawaitedme.OnthecenterislandwasawidearrayofmyfavoriteKoreanfoods,includingmyfavoritebanchan.Miaalwayslaughedathowsimplemytasteswerewhenitcametothesidedishes:mostofthemneededonlysesameoil,garlic,andsalt.SowhatifIwasaproudBasicBanchanBitch?
“IwentshoppingthismorningandboughtabunchofingredientsandmarinatedmeatfromthenewAsianmarketanhouraway.Imadeonlythebeansprouts,spinach,anchovies,andsesameleaves.Oh,andtherice.Imadethattoo.”Withpotholdermittens,Miapulledapotoffthestoveandplaceditonatrivetnexttothesink.Steamspilledoutassheliftedtheheavytop.Itwasgalbi-jjim!“IboughtitfromtheGalleriaMarket,themarinadewasalittletoosweetsoIaddedsoysauce,sesameoil,andadashofgarlicpowdertobalanceitmore.”
Itsmelledlikeheaven.Everythingdid.
Bethpointedtotheoven.“Thechocolategooeycakeisalmostdone.IstillneedtowaitafewminutesbeforeIfrostit.”
Miahandedmeapaperplate.“Let’spretendwe’reatOldCountryBuffet,butAsianstyle,withhomemadeKoreanfoodandfewerseniorcitizens.”
“Ain’tnothingwrongwitholderfolks.”Bethputherhandsonherhips.“Especiallyoneslikemynana,whostillsendsmetwenty-dollarbillsinsideabirthdaycardeveryyear.”
“Blessthenanaswhogiveuscrispbillsfromthebank,”Isaid,holdingupmywineglass.
ThetimerdingedandBethrushedtotheoven.Evenwhenshemadesomethingsimple,likesugarcookiesoravanillasheetcake,therewasartistryandfinesseinthefinalexecution,soyouknewshehadaculinarygift.Itwasn’tjustsomeonereadingrecipesoffthesideofabox.Bethmadeeverythingherown,whereasI,ontheotherhand,madelumpy,nonuniformdessertsthatlookedlikeatoddlerusingbrownPlay-Dohhaddecidedtocreatesomethingambitious.IadmiredBeth.Shehaddevelopedandrefinedherculinaryskillsbythetenderageoftwenty-two.
“Imadeaganachethatwillpairnicelywithchocolatehazelnutmousse,”Bethsaid.
Myjawhungopen.“Soyou’retellingmethatyoutookeverythinggoodaboutNutellaandputitintoacake?Thankyou!”
Miasmackedherlips.“Ican’twait!”
WestartedwiththesavorypartoftheKoreanbacchanalianfeast.Iwalkedalongsidethekitchencounterandisland,takingheapingspoonfulsofbeef,glassnoodles,andmarinatedvegetables,leavingsomespaceforthestir-friedanchovies.OnethingImissedaboutlivinginNYCwaseasyaccesstoethnicfood.OnenoticeableshortcomingabouttheCarlthorpeneighborhoodwasthat,eventhoughthepopulationhadbecomemorediverseovertenyears,therewasonlyoneKoreanrestaurant.Itwasopenforlunchbutclosedfordinnerandwascurrentlyshutteredforminorrenovation.Buthonestly,thefoodwasn’teventhatgood,soIhardlyeverwentthere,evenwhenIwasdesperateforacomfortmeal.
MiahandedmeagiftbagonceItookaseatatthetable.“BethandIneveragreeonshirtslogans,butthisisonewebothliked.”
ItwasablackfittedladiesT-shirtwiththewordsHOTGIRLSCODEinwhiteletters.Iputitonovermylong-sleevewaffleHenleyandmodeleditforthem,twirlingandthenstumbling,losingmybalance.
Beth,whorarelysaidanythingmean,petty,orcatty,mumbledintoherwineglass,“Clumsygirlscodetoo,Iguess,”andwealllaughed.
Itriedthebeefshortribsfirst.“Mia!They’resotender.”
Shesmiled.“Right?Ittookawhilebuttheyfinallygottothatfalling-off-the-bonetexture.”
Bethdisappearedintothekitchenafewminuteslater.Ithoughtshe’dgonetogetseconds,butshecameoutwithashiny,chocolateysquarecakeandputitdowninthecenterofthetable.
“It’stooprettytoeat,”Isaid.“Theganachecameoutperfect.”
Shebeamed.“Ihavesomegoodnewstoo.NotasexcitingasacingCSandstatsexams,butIhavesomejobinterviewslinedup,incaseIdon’tgetintogradschool.Twoconsulting,oneparalegal,andonenonprofit.”
“Congratulations!”MiaandIcheeredinunison.
I’dnearlyforgottenwhatitwasliketobeaseniorwhowasn’tonapremed,pre-law,oracademiatrack.Noneofmyfriendsmysenioryearhadknownwhatjobtheywantedaftercollege,especiallythoselikemewhohadahardtimechoosingamajor.Somepeopleglamorizethetransitionfromcollegeandadulthood,likeit’samilestonewherepeoplecan’twaittoriptheirtrainingwheelsoffandgoridingontheirown.Yes,adulthoodcanbeabeautifulthing.Butforsomepeople,it’slessaboutchoicesandmoreaboutcircumstances.Theysettle.Theytaketheonlyjobtheywereoffered.Theytakealessexcitingjobbecausethecovetedpositionsweretoocompetitiveorthepayandbenefitswereworse.Sometimesthetrainingwheelsaccidentallypopofftooearlyandthepersonpedalingcan’tbreakorsteerstraight.Carshonk.Peopleyell.Andthebikeendsupinaditch.
Thewhiffoffragranthazelnutcreambroughtmywanderingmindbackintofocus.Bethhadcutafewslicesofcakeandplacedthecornerpieceinfrontofme.
Miamoaned,“OhmyGod,thiscakeisbetterthansex.”
Iwasgoingtosay,“Waytoruinitforme,Mia,”butwasitreallyruininganythingwithacommentlikethat?Iloadedthetipofmyforkwithfluffyhazelnutandchocolategoodness,thenopenedmymouthandtookabite.
Wow.“Mia’sright.Thisismaybeevenbetterthanmymidtermnews,”Imarveled.
Beth’seyesroundedwhenshetookabite.“Thisismybestattemptyet.Gome!”
Afterwefinishedourdesserts,Iasked,“Doeitherofyouthinkthere’sanydownsidetoapplyingfortheinternshipatSolv?Theprofessorsentmealinktosetupthephonescreenforarecruiter!”
Miatookaswigofwine.“WhatdoesJakeysay?”
“Ihaven’ttalkedtohimforawhile.”
Shenarrowedhereyessuspiciouslyatme.“Hmmmmm.Hewouldbetheperfectonetoask.”
Inodded.“Hewouldbe,butIdon’twantanyspecialtreatmentnowthathe’smyTAagain.”Noneedtocausemoremessinessbetweenus.OnceI’ddiscoveredthathe’dgottenbackwithhishighschoolsweetheart,Icouldn’tshakethenaggingfeelingthathewaskeepingmearoundonthesidelinesassomeonehecoulddateuntilsomeonebettercamearound.
Miasaid,“Itextedwithhim.Hewaspolitebutsupershort.Maybehe’smovedontosomethingelse.”
Orsomeoneelse.Likehisre-exgirlfriend.Isippedtheremainingwinefrommyglass.Maybeitwastimetomovepastthis,tofinallyclosethebookontheJakeandLilysaga.Forbothofoursakes.
Bethsaid,“Well,Ithinkyoushouldinterview.There’snoharmintryingsomethingnew.Maybeyou’llbepleasantlysurprised.”
Miatippedherglassatme.“Yourpeppyroommatemakesagoodpoint.Iheardthisquotetheotherday:‘Themostdifficultdecisionsarethosethatshapeyourfuture.’”
Inodded.“That’strue.Where’dyougetthatfrom?”
“APandaExpressfortunecookie.Butit’srelevant.Ifyougotthejob,IheartheyhavereallygoodfreelunchofferingsatSolv.”
I’dmadeworsedecisionsforreasonsdumberthanfreelunch.“Great!I’llapplytomorrow,whenI’mnotdrunk.”
Mialaughed.“Youalwaysweremysmartfriend.”Shestoodfromherchairandbroughtoveranotherbottleofwine.“We’reswitchingtoPinot.Ilikeitbetterandit’sascrew-top.”Withinseconds,weallhadfullwineglassesagain,andwemigratedovertotheTVtounpausetheserial-killershow.
Greatfood.Caringfriends.Interestingconversation.Andmurderdocumentaries.
WhatmorecouldIwantinlife?ChapterTwenty-Four
Loudknockingatthedoorinterruptedmyslow,painstakingprocessofeditingmycoverletterfortheSolvTechnologiesinternship.
InpoppedBeth’shead.“DoyouhaveaswimsuitIcanborrow?I’llwashitandgiveitbacktoday.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“You’regoingswimminginNovember?It’sfreezingoutside.”
“It’snotlikeIwanttogoswimmingnow.”Shepulledherhairintoatightponytail.“It’soneoftheopendaysfortheswimtestatthefitnesscenter.”
Mystomachlurchedandallthatwinefromthepreviousnightthreatenedtopayavisit.“Whatswimtest?”
“Areyouserious?It’stheoneweneedtopasstograduate.”
Ifuriouslytypedsearchwordcombinationsof“swimtest,”“Carlthorpe,”and“graduationrequirement,”andsureenough,onlinearticlesfromthecampuspaperandstudenthandbookcameupassearchresults.SeniorsneededtopassaswimtesttograduateorwaiveoutofitbytakinganintroductoryswimclassforthePErequirement.Theoldswimtestrequirementwasabolishedattheturnofthecentury,butaftertheschoolrecentlyreceivedalargeconditionalendowment,theyreinstituteditafewyearsafterIleftCarlthorpe.
Ifoldedmyarmsonmykeyboardandpressedmyforeheadintothem.“OhGod,whyme?Ican’tswim.”
Hereyeswidenedinhorror.“Likeyoucan’tswimatall?Ordoyoumeanitlike,‘OhGod,Ihaven’tswumin,like,fiveyears’?”
Iliftedmyhead.“Ihaven’tswumsincehighschool.Andswimisanexaggeration.Isink.You’dthinkthatgoingfromaCcupincollegetoaDcupnowwouldmeanI’mmorebuoyant,butit’sactuallyexactlytheopposite.It’slikemybodyissixtypercentsandinsteadofwater.Icankindofdoggy-paddle.Floatingonmybackisiffy.IknowsomebasicstrokesbutIcangomaybeonelap.”Ineededthree.ThreewholeOlympicpoollaps.
“Highschoolwasonlyfouryearsago…ohshit.Ikeepforgetting.”Bethwinced.“Maybeit’slikeridingabikeanditwillallcomebacktoyou.”
Clearlythisgirlhadneverseenmerideabike.
ItwastoolatetoaddtheIntrotoSwimmingPEclasstomycourseload,andIcouldn’tgraduatewithoutpassingthetestbeforetheendofthesemester.Alltheseyearsofsummervacations,tanningpoolside,goingdownlazyrivers,andIneveroncetriedtoswim.ThelasttimeIgotintothewaterwastoorderaroundofdrinksataswim-upbar
Bethchangedhertoneandspoketomelikeshewascoaxingapreschooler.“Hey,maybeIcanhelp.Iwasalifeguardinhighschoolandtaughtlotsofkidshowtoswim.Wecangotothepoolafewtimesaweektoworkonyourstrokesandbuildyourstamina.”
OhGod,mystamina.EarlierthatmorningIdroppedaQ-tiponthebathroomfloorandgotwindedsquattingandcrawlingaroundthefloor,tryingtoreachforitinacrevicenexttothesink.HowcouldIpossiblygofromQ-tipcrouch-n-crawlfatiguetoseventy-fiveyardsofswimminginafewweeks?
Iopenedthetopdrawerofmydresserandpulledoutaswimsuit.“It’satwo-piece,andit’smeantmoreforloungingthanexercising.It’llbebigonyou.”Theblack-and-whiteswimsuithadcutedetailingandwasexpensive,evenonsale.I’dwornitonlyahandfuloftimes.Ithoughtitwasdumbtopackitwithmyboxesheadedtocollege,butIguessIwaswrong.
“I’llwashitandgiveitbacktoyouwhenI’mdone.”Shetookthesuitfrommyhands.“AndImeanit,let’sgotothepoolsoontogetyouusedtobeinginthewater.”
MybreathquickenedandItriedtoslowitdownwithslowexhales.ItalmostfeltlikeIhadlowbloodsugarbecausemykneesweakened,myheadgotlighter,andtheroomcameinandoutoffocusevenwithcalmbreathing.
“Lily?Areyouokay?IsitsomethingIsaid?”WhenIdidn’tanswer,shegrabbedmychairandrolleditovertome,thenhelpedmesit.
Ittooksometimeforthisbouttopass.Iexplainedwhatwasgoingonsoshewouldn’tgetfreakedout.“I’msorry,IshouldhavetoldyouearlierwhenIfirstmovedin.”Iswallowedhardandtookadeepbreathinandout.“Ihavehigh-functioninganxiety.I’vedealtwithitsincecollege,thoughIsuspectitstartedmuchearlierthanthat.”Itookanotherdeepbreathanddivulgedsomethingonlyafewpeopleknewabout,notevenmyparents.Especiallynotmyparents.
“Itstartedwithinsomniainhighschool.Then,afterweeksofterriblesleep,IwokeuponemorningduringexamweekanditfeltlikeIhadsomethingstuckinmythroat,likeaballofsadnessandworry,andIcouldn’tswallowitaway.Then,incollege,theulcersandstomachpaincame.Afteryearsofhidingitfromfamilyandfriends,Ifinallywenttoseekhelp,thankstoMiaputtingmeintouchwithafriendinthemedicalfield.I’vebeenabletomanageitovertheyearswithmedicationandtherapy,butitresurfaces.Ican’tgotoconcertsanymore—tooscaredofmobmentalityandcrowdsurges—andoneofthereasonsIleftcorporateAmericawasbecauseitbecameclearthatnoamountofself-careandPTOdayswashelpingwithmyjob-relatedstress.Sincethen,I’vemadelife,work,andfamilyadjustmentsformymentalandphysicalwell-being,tryingtominimizemyanxietywhenIcan.”Ismiledweakly.“Apparentlyswimtestsareastressmaximizer.”
IexpectedBethtogivemeafull-on“rah-rah-you-can-do-it!”peptalk,sayingsomethingmotivationalorrespondingwithasemi-relevant,Midwestern-funnyanecdote.Instead,shebentdownandtackle-huggedme,pinningmyarmsagainstmytorso,squeezingairfrommylungs.Shenearlycausedmetolosemybalanceinthechair.
“Youinspiremesomuch!”Betheventuallyloosenedherarms,allowingmetheluxuryofreinflatingmylungsandchest.“Imeanit.”
“Thankyou,”Isaidwhilegulpingair.“Wow,you’rereallystrong.”
“It’sthekettlebells.”Shesmiled.“Thankyoufortellingmeaboutyouranxiety.I’lldomyparttohelp.AndI’llmakeyourswimtestpreparationaslow-hassleaspossible.It’llbegreat.”
“Thanks.”Onceshehadunsqueezedmyupperbody,Ihuggedherback.“Andthankyouforbeingagoodfriend.”
Ourhugfestwasinterruptedbyanurgentemailnotification,whichmeantthemessagehadcomefromsomeoneonmyVIPlist.
ItwasanotefromJake.Butitwasn’tpersonalizedtoonlyme,itwasamassemail.
DearCSclass,
Congratulationsonfinishingmidterms!Asweeaseintothefinalweeksofthesemesterandprepareforfinals,IwantedtointroduceyoutoSudhirMisra,whowillbesharingtheremainderofmyTAdutiesthissemester.HeattendedWakeForestforundergradandisinhisthirdyearintheCSPhDprogram,specializinginmachinelearningapproachestopredictingParkinson’sdiseaseusinggeneexpression.I’velinkedtohisbiobelow.
Ournewofficehoursareasfollows:MandF,1–3pmOffice1001011forSudhir,andTh1–3pmOffice1001011forJacob.
IfyouhaveanyquestionsforeitherSudhirorme,pleaseletusknow.Andasalways,seeyouinclass!
Jakehadn’tbeentothelecturesthatweek.Iassumedthathewassick,orvainlyassumedthathewasavoidingmeatallcosts.WiththisnewTAdevelopment,itseemedliketherewassomethingbiggergoingonthanjustus.
“Anythingimportant?”Bethasked,studyingmyreaction.
“Notreally.JacobseemstobetransitioningoutofhisTAdutiesandhesentanemailtotheclassaboutit.”Ituckedmyphoneintomyjacketpocket.
Worryflashedacrossherface.“Isheokay?Likewhatifhe’sontheone-wayescalatortoheaven?”
Nothinglikethathadevenoccurredtome.LeaveittoBethtoshowmeanew,albeitmorbid,wayoflookingatthissituation.“I’llreachouttohimtomakesurehe’sokay.”
Shehuggedmeagain,butthistimewithlessstrangulation.“AfteryoumessageJake,let’sgosignyouupforaswimtest.”
Icouldn’tthinkoftwothingsIdreadedmore.ButwithBeth’sencouragement,Ireluctantlyagreedtodoboth,andsherewardedmewithahalfsheetofapplestrudel.RatherthantextJakeinformally,Irepliedtohisemailandvaguelyaskedhowhewasdoing.Ireceivedanout-of-the-officereply,implyinghewasbusyanditwouldtakeafewbusinessdaystogetbacktome.Jakebeingbusyandpossiblyoverextendedwasn’tasurprise.
Afterregisteringforaswimevaluation,IimmediatelyreceivedconfirmationfromtheDepartmentofAthleticsthatmyswimtesthadbeenconfirmedduringfinalsweek,theverylastdateavailablethissemester.IprayedBethcouldwhipmeintoshapeinthefewremainingweeks.Therestofthenight,Igoogledvariationsof“easiestswimstrokeforbeginners”andstress-ateallthestrudelfordinner.Wasthisdumbswimtestthefinalthingbetweenmeandmydegree?
Iknockedonmywoodendeskforluck
Hopefully.Fingerscrossedfornomoresurprises.ChapterTwenty-Five
Onthephone,theSolvTechnologiesrecruiterexplainedthatthehiringprocessforinternswaslengthy,andthiswasthefirststepofthree.
“Onceyoupassthefirstphonescreen,youmoveontoaphoneintervieworin-personmeeting,dependingonavailability,withoneofourhiringmanagers,whowillassessyouforseveraltypesofrolesatthecompany.Wecurrentlyhaveopeningsinproductmanagement,programming,andUX.Ifthatgoeswell,wemightflyyououttoourheadquartersforafulldayofin-personinterviewsorhaveyougototheclosestofficelocationtoyou,whichinyourcasewouldbeourChelseaofficeinManhattan.Howdoesthatsound?”
Howdiditsound?Exhausting.Exhilarating.DefinitelysomethingIwantedtodo.Sheputmeonholdasshelookedthroughhercalendar,checkingforavailabledates.
Ihadanadvantageovertheotherinternshipcandidates:Iwasapart-timestudent,soIhadmoretimetoprepforaninterview.Plus,accordingtomyauthorbio,Iwasliterallyaninterviewingexpert.IfIcouldn’tgetpastthephonescreen,whatwouldIevendowithmyself?ThelongerIwaitedfortherecruitertogetbacktomewithavailabledates,themorepressureIfeltmounting:fear,anxiety,self-doubt,allrearingtheiruglyheads,tryingtoconvincemeIshouldn’tgothroughwithit.Thatthiswasalljustawasteoftimeforthecompanyandforme.
You’veearnedthis,Lily,atinyvoiceinsidemesaid,onethatsoundedalotlikeGeorgeTakei,akaSuluoftheOGStarTrekDon’tdiminishyouraccomplishments,thevoicesaidlouder.Stopundersellingyourself!
“There’sanopeningnextWednesdayatnoon.Howdoesthatsound?”therecruiterasked,unmutingherphone.
“That’sperfect,”Irepliedconfidently.
***
THERECRUITERINTERVIEWthefollowingweekwentsowellthatsheactuallyboughtmylatestbookwhilewewereonthevideochat.Themeetingwasonlythirtyminutes,anditwasmostlyascreenerforcompanyfit,althoughshedidaskacoupleofquasi-technicalquestions.
Attheendofthecall,shesaid,“ProfessorStevensonisonourboardofadvisors,andweabsolutelyloverecruitingstudentsfromhisclasses.UnlikeotherCSexperts,hereallyfocusesonpracticaltechniquesandprinciplesthathelpdeveloperswritecodethatiseasytounderstandinsteadofteachingmostlyprogrammatictheoryandpostulations.”Sheheldupherphonetoshowmeareceipt.“Butyouknowallofthis.Bytheway,yourbookwillbedeliveredtomenextweek.I’mexcited!”
“Thanksforbuyingit!”Eveniftheinterviewdidn’tgowell,atleastI’dmadeabooksale.
Shesmiled.“Ifit’sokaywithyou,wecangoaheadandsetupyournextmeetinginourManhattanoffice.Woulditbepossibleforyoutogettothecityinacoupleofweeks?Wewouldreimbursefortrainfareandrelatedtravelexpenses,ofcourse.”Afterafewclicksofthekeyboard,shesaid,“Oh.Thisisahighlyunusualsituation,butitlookslikethehiringmanagermightbegoingonpaternityleavesoon;hiscalendarisblockedoutstartingnextweek.IsthereanychanceyoucouldmeethimthisFridayinstead?”
Fridaywasonlytwodaysaway!Logistically,yes,IcouldmakethemeetinghappenwithapreciselytimedtrainrideandanUberonceIarrivedinthecity.OrmaybeIcouldgoadayearlyandcrashwithMia.Butthatwouldleavelittletimetopreparefortheinterview.Ontheotherhand,maybeitwasprudenttointerviewearlierratherthanlater.IheardthatSolvinterviewerssimplyvoted“yes”or“no”forpotentialhiresbasedonspecificcriteria,kindoflikehowtheearlydecisionprocessworkedforcolleges,butwithoutthedefermentoption.
Youcandoit,justtry,myGeorgeTakeiinnervoiceencouraged.
Therecruiter’seagervirtualfaceawaitedmyanswer.
“Fridayworksforme,”Ireplied.“Ican’twait.”
ThenextdayIarrivedatMia’satmidnight.Lettingmyselfin,Icrashedonherfutonafterbrushingmyteethandwashingmyface.Wakinguptomy8AM.alarm,Iwasgreetedbyhalfabagelwithcreamcheeseonthecoffeetablealongwithamilky,chocolateyicedcoffee.Ihadn’tevenheardMialeave.Imust’veneededthatsleep.
Underthepeepholeofthedoor,she’dtapedanoteateye-levelsoI’dseeitonmywayout.“Bitch,godoyourthing!”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmileasIlockedthedeadboltwhenIleft.
TheinterviewwasattenandIlefttheapartmentjustafterninetotakethesubwaytoSolv,whichwaslessthanablockawayfromChelseaMarket,oneofmyfavoriteplacesinthecity.Ifithadbeenanyotherday,Iwouldhavetakenthetimetostrollthefoodhall,samplingvarioustreatsandbuyinganassortmentofgroceriesandfreshlymadebakedgoods.Instead,IscurriedpastthemainentrywayonNinthAvenueandpassedthroughtherevolvingglassdoorinSolv’sbuilding.
Oneotherpersonwasatthefrontdeskgettingclearedbysecurity.Whenheturnedaroundandputhisstickerbadgeonhissuitjacketlapel,IcouldhardlybelieveitwasEthan.Clean-shaven,combed-hairedEthan,wearingasharp,fitted,expensivesuit.Hehadtransformedintoago-getter,sophisticatedhottie.
“Hey,you,”Isaid,steppinguptothedesk,handingmylicensetothesecurityguard.“Ididn’tknowyouwereinterviewingtoday.Congratulations!”
AwidegrinspreadacrossEthan’sface.“Iwasn’tsurewhoelsewasapplying.Gladtoseeyouheretoo.Ifiguredyouwouldbeinterviewing,butIdidn’twanttoaskjustincase.Youlookgreat,asalways.”
Iblushedandsmiledback.“Youdotoo.”
“IthinkwhatyoumeanisIcleanedupreallywellforthis.Youcansayit,”hesaidwithabashfulglowinhischeeks.“IpostedaphotoonmyInstagramaccountandpeoplewon’tshutupabouthowIlooknow.Soflattering,yetsooffensive!”
Sincethestartofthesemester,EthanandIhadmaintainedaplayfulnoona-donsaengrelationship,wherehedeferredtomeashiseldersister.Ifwehadn’thadthathistory,ImighthaveeventuallygivenEthanasecondglanceortwo.Orthree.
Headded,“Istudiedmyassoffforthatexam,butIstillcan’tbelieveitgotmeintothetopten.Ithinkthey’retakingtwointernsfromCarlthorpe.Ihopeit’sbothofus.”
ItwouldbefuntoworkwithEthan.Hewaseasygoingandsmart,andhedidhisshareofthegroupprojectworkwithoutslackingoff.Infact,allmygroupprojectteammateswerereliable,helpful,andintelligent.I’dluckedout.
Ireceivedmybadgefromtheguard,peeledthebacking,andputthestickeronmyblazer.
“Afteryou,”Ethansaid,gesturingmetoleadthewaytothesecondelevatorbank,whichtookpassengerstofloors25to49.TheelevatordingedassoonasIpushedthebutton,suggestingthatluckwouldbeinmyfavorthatday.Itookaneagerstepforwardwhenthedoorsopened,thenrememberedtoleteveryoneoutbeforeentering.I’dalmostforgottenmyelevatoretiquette.
IbackedupintoEthan,whoyelpedwhenIsteppedonhisfoot.
“I’msosorry!”Iyelpedback,turningmyheadtoofferhimanapologeticsmile.
“IfIdidn’tknowyouwereaniceperson,I’dsayyouweretryingtoliterallystampoutthecompetition,Noona.”
Ilaughed.Therewasthatnoonathingagain.Butitwasfinewithme:hewastenyearsyounger,andashandsomeashewas,hejustwasn’tmytypesomehow.DidImentionhewastenyearsyounger?
JustwhenIthoughttheelevatorwasclearforentry,twomorepeoplesteppedout.Tomydismay,Iknewoneofthem.
“Oh,hello,Lorrie.Whatasurprise.”ItwasCameronO’Hara,walkinguptomewithanextendedhand.“How’sthebookcomingalong?Isthenextbestsellerreleasingsoon?”
Althoughhegotmynamewrong,whichwasn’tsobadgiventhatImyselfwasterribleatnames,thethingthatsetmeoffwasthatheknewthewritingwasn’tgoingwellfromourlasteventtogether,andIcouldn’ttellifitwasjustconversationfodderorhewastryingtogetundermyskin.Eitherway,Ididn’tappreciateit.
Withastoicface,Imanagedtosay,“Nicetoseeyouagain,Chad.ButI’mofftoameeting.Let’scatchupanothertime.”Orrather,let’snot.
“It’sCameron.”HeglancedatmynamebadgeasheheldthedooropenforEthanandmetoenter.“Oh,you’reLily.That’sright.You’reofftoSolv?Iwasjustthere,discussinganenterprisecloudprojectwiththeheadofdevelopment.Whoareyougoingtosee?”Hisvoicespikedwithmoreintensityandone-upmanshipthangenuinecuriosity,likehewasdemandingtoknowinformationthatwasnoneofhisbusiness.
Mymouthwentdry.Iwashereforaninternshipinterview,andifhefoundout…shit.Hewouldhavethepowertoinstantlyturnmyworldupsidedown.
EthanglaredatCameron.“I’msorrytointerrupt,butIhaveanurgentmeetingtoattendandyou’reholdingupmyride.”Hepressedthedoorclosebutton,andtheelevatorshutinCam’sface.Iheardhimmutter“Asshole”throughthesteeldoors.
Myheartpoundedamillionbeatsperminute.WhileIcaughtmybreath,Ethansaidtome,“Thatguygavemeseriousdickvibes.AndlastthingIneededwasforthatdicktodickaroundwhileweshouldbecheckingintoSolv.Theearlierweare,thebetter.WeshowinitiativeandmakeCarlthorpelookgoodwhenwe’rebothhereearly.”Hesmirkedandrepositionedtheslidingshoulderstrapofhisleatherlaptopbag.“Igotyourback,Noona.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid,finallygettingmyvoiceback.Icouldn’tstopreplayinghowunluckyIwastoseeCameronhere,butatthesametime,IhadtothankthestarsIhadn’tseenhimearlierinthelobby:hewouldhaveheardEthanormecheckin,askingfortheinternhiringmanager.Hewouldhaveknowneverything,orfigureditouteventually.AndthankGodEthanhadbeenabletoreadthesituationtoknowthatCamwasbadnews.
EthanandIexitedtheelevator,checkedinatreception,andtookseatsinthewaitingarea.
“Areyounervous?”heasked.
Inodded.“Didshetellyouwhattypeofrolestheywereinterviewingyoufor?”
“Shesaidthey’dconsidermefordevelopmenttoo,butIneededtosharpenmycodingskills.”
Welearnedlightprogramminginourclass,butbecausethecourseemphasiswasmoreonspotting,identifying,andeditingefficientandsmartcoderatherthanadvancedcodedevelopment,passingaprogramminginterviewwouldtakeatonofextrapracticeandtrainingsinceourclassbarelyscratchedthesurface.ButIcouldseeEthandoingthisinhissparetime,especiallyifitmeantopeningopportunitiesforworkingatSolvorsimilarcompanies.
Thedoornexttothereceptiondeskopenedandayoungmanwearingclearplasticglassesthatlookedlikehipstersafetygogglesemerged.“We’rereadyforyoutwo.Ifyoucouldfollowme,I’lltakeeachofyoutoyourfirstmeetings.”
IpassedthroughthedoorandhelditopenforEthan.
Ethanwasdroppedofffirst.“Ready,Lily?Yougotthis.Butwishmeluck.”
Iofferedareassuringsmile.“Luckisjustamixofpreparedness,timing,andopportunity.Youhavetheholytrinity.You’lldogreat.”
“Thanks.Iknowyouwilltoo.”
Wewavedateachotherasweheadedtoourseparateinterviewrooms.ChapterTwenty-Six
Thepoolwasfreezing.TheicytemperaturewasenoughofashocktomysystemtopreventmefromconstantlythinkingaboutwhetherI’dgettheinternshipornot.
Aweekhadpassed.Stillnoword.
Accordingtothesignpostedonthedoorsofthegym,theheaterhadmalfunctionedovernightbutmaintenancehadfixeditanhourago.Allegedly.Sothegoodnewswasnooneelsewasinthewaterwithmeanditwaswarmingup.Thebadnewswasmyteethwerechattering,andBethwasfullofhypedcoachenergy
“Theheater’sworking,it’lltakeawhilethough.”Bethblewherwhistle.“Kickboardtime,Lee!”
“D-d-d-doyoureallyneedthatwhistle?We’retheonlyoneshere.”
Sheblewitagain.“Youaskedmetohelp,andthisishowIhelp.Nowgokick!”
SergeantBethscaredme,soIdidassherequested.Ikickedtotheotherside,thengrabbedtheedge.
TheshrillwhistleechoedasBethblewitwhilewalkingaroundthepool.“Gotwomorelapsback-to-backandthenyoucanrest.Youneedtobeabletodoafullseventy-fiveyardswithoutanybreaks.”
Igroanedandkicked.Afterfinishingmylaps,IgrabbedtheedgeandthrewthekickboardovertoBeth’sfeet.“Done.CanIgetoutnow?”
Shecroucheddownnexttome.“Notyet.”
“Please,nomorewhistling.”
“Look,Idon’texpectyoutobeMichaelPhelps,butyouneedsomeenduranceifyou’regoingtopass.”Shestoodandflippedthroughpagesonherclipboard.“Wecanmoveontoyourassessmentifyou’dlike.”
“Myassessment?”Myjawdropped.
“Yes.Assessment.Let’sseeallthestrokesyoucando.I’llpickyourtwobestonesandwewillworkonimprovingthoseinournextsession.There’snotalotoftimetillyourswimtest,soweneedtobeefficient.”
Moregroaning.Morekicking.Ipaddled,stroked,andsplashedwhilerotatingthroughmyswimstrokegreatesthits.Therewereonlyfive.Actually,maybefour—ish.Fine.Justthree.Slimpickings,butitmadeBeth’sjobeasier.
Shepacedbackandforthawhile,thenscratchedhertemple.“Yourbeststrokesarethedogpaddleandthatweirdfrogkickthing,whichIdon’tknowifitevenhasaname.Butthoseusesomuchenergy.I’mgoingtohavetoteachyouanewstrokeortwoinstead.Areyougoodwiththat?”
BeforeIcouldanswer,sheadded,“YouknowIbelieveinyou,right?”Withoutwarning,shebellowed,“Allright,Lily!Let’sGOOOOOO!Getmoving!Grabthekickboard,holdittoyourchest,andlet’sswimtotheothersideonyourback.”
Thensheblewthewhistle.
***
THENICETHINGaboutbeingatthepoolwastheuntetheringfrommyphonefornearlyanhour.NewsfromSolvwasdueanyminuteandIinstructedEthannottomessagemeuntilheheard,becauseearlierthatmorningallwekepttextingeachotherwasAnynews?andNotyet,backandforthaboutfivethousandtimes.
Eachofushadmetwithfouremployees,thelastonebeingthesamehiringmanager,whichsuggestedourinterviewshadgonewell.Thethingthatconfusedmethoughwasthatourinterviewerwasadevmanager,whichmeanteitherthathewasconsideringmeforamoretechnicaljoborthathewastheoneultimatelyinchargeofplacingallselectedcandidates.Icouldn’tevenimaginebeingconsideredforatechnicalrole.TherewerefartoomanypeoplewhohadsuperiortechnicalskillsandcouldrunlapsaroundmyC++skills.
MyphonerangwhileunlockingMia’scar.“Bitch,it’sSOLVdon’tignore!!!”flashedonmyscreen.Miamust’veprogrammeditasajoke,andanyothertimeIwouldhavelaughedmyassoff,butatthatverymomentmytremblinghandsturnedfrigidwhenIclickedthegreenphoneicontoanswerthecall.ToobadMiaandBethweren’twithmeformoralsupport;thetwoofthemhadgonetothefarmers’marketwhileIoptedtogohometorest.
“Hello?”Icroaked.
“Hello,mayIpleasespeakwithLilyLee?”
MyheartthumpedagainstmychestlikeanEDMbassline.“Thisisshe.”
“Hi,it’sDonnafromSolvTechnologies.Isthisanokaytimetochat?”
Myphonebuzzedagain.IknewitwasEthanwithanupdate,butIdidn’tdarecheck.
Mygymbagslidoffmyshoulderandfellintothetrunk.“Yes,it’sagreattime,actually.”IsatinthecarjustsoIcouldgettheheatergoingandtheseatwarmeron.Aftertakingthecoldswimandthensteppingintotheforty-degreeweatherwithdrippingwetshowerhair,thelastthingIneededwastobelikeoneofthosewind-upmouthchattertoysmydentistdisplayedprominentlyonhisshelf.
Mutingthephone,IstartedthecarandletthecallmigrateviaBluetoothtothecarspeakers.Donnaexplainedtomethattheyhadmorethanahundredcandidatesfromacrossthecountrythatthey’dbroughttotheirofficestointerview.Donna’svoiceboomedoversurroundsound.“Youcanimaginehowdifficultitwastonarrowdownourlistofcandidates.Butlet’scuttothechase,wearethrilledtoletyouknowthatyoumadeittothefinalround!Sinceyoumetwithourhiringmanager,whoisextremelytoughonnewrecruitswithhistechnicalscreenings,thenextroundismainlyforfit,andit’sonlyacoupleofhourslong.Duringthattime,wewilltrytofigureoutthebestteamforyouWe’reschedulingthelastinterviewstotakeplaceoverthenexttwoweeks.Congratulations!”
Shehadjustsharedsomuchinformation.Butthemostimportantpart?Imadeittothefinalround!
“Thankyousomuch,Donna.I’msoexcitedtocomebacktoSolvforthenextsetofinterviews.WouldtheseinterviewsbeinCaliforniaorNewYork?”
“Well,it’snotofficialofficialyet,butwillbesoon…They’removingmoreprojectstoourManhattanoffice,andwejustsignedaleaseforanothertwofloors.Bythesummer,weareaimingtodoubleourheadcountinourEastCoasthub.”Icouldhearasmileinhervoice.“Doyouhaveanypreferencesonwhereyou’dliketolive?NewYorkorCalifornia?”
“NewYork,”Iansweredwithnohesitation.
Shelaughed.“Well,swiftdecision-makingisdefinitelysomethingwevalueatSolv.I’llemailyoualinkwithacalendarsoyoucanselectyourinterviewtimes.Congratulationsagain,Lily.”
ThecallendedandIfumbledwithmyphoneasIclickedonEthan’stext.
Gotthecall.Imadeit!Ihopeyoudidtoo!
Yes!Webothmadethecut!
Idid!NYCorNorCal?
NorCal.You?
NYC.Maybethisimprovesourchancesifwearefromsameschoolbutdifflocations?
Ihopeso!P.S.Theyareconsideringmefordev.LikeWHAT.I’mliterallytellingeveryoneIknowandtryingtokeepmyshittogether
Amazing!Theydidn’tmentiondevforme.Idon’tknowwhatgroupyet
Ofcourse,IhadtosharemyupdatewithMiaandBeth,soIvideochattedwiththem.Bothfriendsjoinedinonmysquealingandshrieking.Myhandsthawedandshookless.Thenumbnessthroughoutmybodysubsided.Itwassinkingin—intwoweeks’time,ImightbeoneofSolv’snewesthires.
Notsurehowmyparentswouldhandlethisnewsiftheyfoundout,IdecidedtowaituntilIhadanofferinhandwithacompensationletterbeforeexplainingeverythingtothem.Noneedtoaddstresstomylife,plus,theywereplentybusywithmytoddlernephews.BasedontheFacebookphotostheywereuploadingsporadically,theyhadtheirhandsfullwiththetwins:oneofthemlovedtorunandclimbinsidethehouse,theotherhadapenchantforcoloringonwalls.Bothlikedtoopenthefridgeandpulloutfruitandveggies.
Itypedonemoretext.
GottofinalroundatSolv!Pleaseclapforme
Ibitmylipandcontemplatedifitwasagoodideatosendit.Mythumbhoveredoverthesendbuttonforafewseconds,butIfinallypressedit.
Itwasdone.
Ratherthanwaitandstareatmyphoneforareply,Ireversedoutofmyparkingspotandhittheclosestbakery.Iboughtmyselfa“Congratulations!”redvelvetcakeandbroughtithomeinthepassengerseat.Imadeitallthewaybackwithoutsamplingthecreamcheesefrosting,eventhoughIwasstarvingfromtheswimminglessons.
MyphonebuzzedagainwhileIbarelymanagedtobringmygymbag,purse,andcakeinsideinonetrip.Ididn’tdarecheckit:thelastthingIneededwasformycaketocannonballontothefloor.
IcheckedmymessagesonceIputeverythingdown.
Mystomachsank.JustEthanagain.
I’malreadydrunj
Drunj
Damnitdrunj
Fuckit
Hesentmetenchampagnebottleemojisandananimatedgifofagorillainapartyhat.
Ismiledatthemessagesandrespondedwithmoreemojis,eventhoughmyyearningheartached.Itriedtoswallowthesadnesslodgedinmythroat.
AssoonasIsentEthanareply,thelong-awaitedtextcame.
Congratulations!Busytoday,butlet’scelebratesoon!
Thatwasit?No“howaboutthisweekend”or“youpickthedateandtime”?
Washeblowingmeoff?Orwashereallybusy?
WhatdidIreallywantfromhim?Morethanacurttext,that’swhat.Howmanywordswouldhavesatisfiedme?Iwantedustobefriendsandforhimtojustbehappyforme,butIalsoselfishlywishedthathewantedmore.Paradoxically,Iwantedtohavemycakeandeatittoo.
Bethburstintotheapartmentandscoldedme.“Youshouldn’tleavethedooropen!IcouldhavebeenaburglarheretostealthiscongratulatorycakeIjustboughtyou!”ShethrustacakeboxtowardmesoIcouldviewthelovelywhitetowerthroughthecellophanewindow.“It’svanilla,frommyfavoritebakery.”Glancingatthecounter,shesaid,“Ohshit,youalreadyhaveone!”
Inoddedandsmiled.“Iwantedtocommemoratethisday.AndIwantedcakefromSassyGirl’s.”
Bethlaughed.“Mineisfromtheretoo!”
MiapeekedoverBeth’sshoulder.“Didsomeonesaycake?Ta-daaaa!Bestchocolatecakeinthewholetown!FromSassyGirl’s!”
MysecondcollegejourneyhadstartedwithasadsliceofSassyGirl’scakepushedunderneathaPlexiglaspartition.
NowIhadthreecakes.Threedeliciousflavors.Threegoodfriends.Awonderfulwaytoenjoymybigday,andaperfectreminderofhowfarI’dcome.
ToobadJakewasn’theretocelebratewithmetoo.ChapterTwenty-Seven
TwelveYearsAgo
JakedrapedhisarmacrossmychestwhileItriedtowiggleoutofbed.WhenIfinallymanagedtoextractmyselffromthecushycomfortercocoon,hestirredinhissleepandgrabbedattheair.AsIpulledmybodyoffthemattressandexposedittothecoldair,Ishivered.
“Comebackundertheblankets,it’schilly.”Jakesmiledsleepilyandpattedmysideofthebed.
Hewasright:itwasfreezing.Ourheaterhadstoppedworkinginthemiddleofthenight,makingaloudthunkthatI’dassumedwasJakeknockingsomethingoffthesidetableinhissleep.Luckily,Ihadathickdownblanketinadditiontoanelectricone,sowewereabletosleepcomfortablyforafewhours.Itwasthefirstsnowoftheseason,andwewereonlyacoupleofdegreesawayfromseeingourownbreathinsidetheapartment.
Islidonmythickfleecebathrobeandgrabbedmyphonefromthenightstand
Miahadtextedfromtheotherroom:CalledtheHVACpeople,they’recominginafternoontofixthe^#&*$!heat.Tooscaredtofigureouthowtoworkthefireplace,I’veneverusedit.Ithinkthere’saraccoonorsomethinglivinginthereanddon’twanttofindoutthehardway.There’saspaceheateroninthelivingroom…youcanopenyourdoortotrytoletsomeheatinbutmaybeyougotplentyofwarmthfromyaBOIinbed
Ismirkedandpluggedmyphoneintothecharger.“Heater’sbroken.OkayifIopenthedoortoletinsomeheat?Miahasaspaceheaterrunningoutthere.”
Jakesatuponthebedbutkeptthecomforterontopofhim.Hepeekedhisheadoutwhiletherestofhisbodywascovered.Itlookedlikehewasinafluffywhiteigloo.“Orrrr…IcanwrapyouinmyJaketortilla.It’stoastyunderhere!”
Iglancedatthedoor,whichseemedtoofaraway,thenbackatJake,whohadshiftedthecomfortertohisshoulderssoitwasmorelikeashawl,andhadhisarmsspreadoutlikehewasflashingme.
Cometothinkofit,hewasflashingme.Allhehadonundertherewasapairofboxers.
Herubbedthesleepfromhisrighteyeandshotmeanirresistiblesmile.Irelentedandcrawledbackunderthecoverswithhim,keepingmybathrobeonforaddedwarmth.
Wewerestillinthehoneymoonstage.We’dbeendatingawhileandwerestillannoyinglyintoeachother.Evenwithhisbusyschedule,Jakemanagedtosleepoverafewnightsaweek.Ipreferredhimcomingtomyplace:IwasajunioryearRAinalargesuitewithMiaandoneofherhighschoolfriends,whowasayearbelowus.JakelivedinanAsianfraternityhouse.IwassurprisedtofindoutthatCarlthorpehadanAsianfratandsorority.BothofthemhadGreeknamesandmottos,whichamusedmebecausethisseemedso…Western.Wasn’tanythingGreekbydefinitionnon-Asian?
Inanycase,whereIlivedwasmoresuitableforpeoplewhopreferred“noquestionsasked”sleepoverevents.Jake’sAsianbrethrenwereanosy,gossipybunch,andthelesstimeIwasaroundthem,thebetter.
Oncewewerebackundertheblanketstogether,heasked,“AreyougoingtobeanRAnextyeartoo?”
“ResLifepaysformyroomandboard,plustheyofferamonthlystipend,soI’llprobablydoitagain.Whataboutyou?”
“Myroommatewantstostudyabroad.Itgotmethinkingaboutitagain.”Henibbledmyearandittickled.“Maybeyoushouldtoo.”
MysuitemateGloriawasapplyingforasemesterabroadinJapan.ShehadstudiedJapaneseinhighschoolandtookitincollegetoo,soitmadeatonofsenseforhertogo.“ItooktwoyearsofSpanish,butit’snotnearlyenoughtojustifyspendingasemesterabroad.”
Hewhisperedintomyear,“Youdon’tneedtostudyalanguagetogoabroad.CarlthorpejustaddedarobustnetworkofuniversitiesoverseasthatconductclassesinEnglish.YoucouldgosomewherelikeAustralia.”
“Really?”Ihadlookedintostudyabroadbutruleditoutmostlybecauseofthelanguagebarrier.WhenIdidn’ttakeadvancedSpanishcoursesmythirdyearofcollege,Iletgoofmydreamtostudyoverseas.
Irolledovertomynightstandandlookeduptheexchangeprogramwebsiteonmyphone.“Ohshit,thereareliketwentyschoolsthatofferclassesIcouldtake,includingSpain.Andmanyofthemwouldactuallycounttowardmymajor!There’saninformationalsessionnextweek.Applicationsaredueendofmonthtobeeligiblenextfall.”Studyingabroadmysenioryearfirstsemesterwouldhaveitssocialandacademicprosandcons,buttohellwithit.WhatifIcouldgotoSpain?OrHongKong?OrAustralia?
Jakecreptovertomysideofthebedandputhishandonmyshoulder.“Maybewecouldapplytothesameplaces.Andifwebothgotin?ItwouldbecoolAndromantic.”
Ishothimahopefulsmile.“Whatwouldyoudowithallofyoursidebusinesses,andalltheactivitiesandorganizationscountingonyouforleadershipnextyear?”ItwasaslightdigatJakeforstretchinghimselftoothin,whichIregrettedoncethewordscameoutofmymouth.ButthetruthwasthatJakealwaysseemedtobegoingagajillionmilesaminute.Hehardlyslept.AndI’dnoticedhewasflakingoutonotherswhocountedonhimwhenhespenttimewithme.ItsometimesleftmewonderingifIwouldbenext.
“I’llmakeitworksomehow.Ialwaysmanage.Plus,you’remygirlfriend,soyougetfirstpriority.”
“Girlfriend?”Imurmured.He’dneversaidthatwordoutloudbefore.Neitherofuswasseeingotherpeople,butI’dassumedthatwasbecausehewastoobusytodateanyoneelse.
Hetookthephonefrommyhandandplaceditbackonthetable.Thenhekissedme.“Yes.Girlfriend.”Hekissedmycheek.“You’re.”Myneck.“My.”Leftbreast.“Girlfriend.”Rightbreast.
“Whatspecialprivilegesdoesagirlfriendhaveaftergraduatingfromfriendwithbenefits?”Iaskedcoyly.“Willwegotodinnertogether?”
Helaughed.“Wealreadydothat.Ialwayssitnexttoyouinthedininghall.”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Thatdoesn’tcount.Imeanmoreoff-campusstuff.”
Jakegrinned.“Yes.Dates.Movies.Andmaybethemostimportantofall—”
Heshowedmehisphone.Iwaslistedasoneofhis“favorites”contacts.Itwassuchafunnygesture,butforaguywhoknew,like,abazillionpeople,itwasabigdealtomakeitintohistopten.“Ifyoutextme,I’llreplyrightaway.UnlessI’msleeping,outofcellrange,ormaimedinahospital.That’showmuchIcareaboutyou.”
Rollingontopofhim,Isweptmylonghairtomyback.“Andyou’llalwaysanswermycallsifyou’renotindisposed?YouknowIdon’tlikecallinganyone,soifIdoringyou,it’sprobablyimportant.”
Henoddedandheldhishandup.“IcareaboutyousomuchthatIsolemnlysweartoansweryourcalls,especiallybecauseIknowyouhatebeingonthephone.”
Iofferedhimalightpeckonthelips.“Onemorething.Youthinkwecoulddothisboyfriend-girlfriendthinginSpainmaybe?”
“OrSouthAfrica.”Jakekissedmylipssoftly.“OrScotland.”
Mylipspressedhisagain.“NewZealandmaybe?”
Hishandstraveleddowntomyhips.“Whereveryougo,I’llfollow.”
Iyankedtheplushcomforteroverourheadssoitfullyenvelopedourbodies.Jakepulledmedownontopofhimandwemoldedintothecontoursofeachother’sbodies,withplentyofheatflowingbetweenustokeepuswarm.ChapterTwenty-Eight
Partyinginyourthirtieswasnojoke.Inmymid-twenties,Icouldgooutonaweeknightanddrinktothepointofblackingout,thenbereadytogofora9AM.conferencecall.Now?Mythirty-two-year-oldtonguewascoatedinsandpaper,myheadpoundedsohardmybrainthrobbed,andmyeyescouldbarelyopenbecauseallthemoisturefrommytearductshadbeenredirectedtoothercriticalpartsofmybodysotheycouldfunction
Igrabbedabottleofwateronmynightstandandchuggedtheentirething.
“Thatwasmine,”Miagroaned.Shewassleepingonthereclinerinthecorneroftheroom.Herarmwasdrapedoverhereyestoblockthesunlightstreamingthroughthewindow.
“Canyougetwaterinthekitchen?”Icroaked.
“Can’tmove.Mighthurl.”
I’dhadonefewerdrinkthanMiabecauseafterthreeconsecutiveshots,Iwasonthebrinkofgoingtoabad,vomitousplace.Butshewasalwaysonetogoforbroke,evenifitmeantsufferingthedireconsequencesafewhourslater.
Slidingmyfeetintofuzzyslippers,IshuffledtothekitchenandbroughtbacktwolargeglassesofwaterandabottleofTylenol.
IttookawhileforMiatositup.“Mentalnote…cakeandvodkashotsshouldbeconsumedinmoderation.”Shetooktwopillsandchasedthemwithdesperategulpsofwater.“Youknow,it’sashamewecan’ttalkaboutSolvonsocialmedia.Ifyougettheinternship,whichIhopeyouwill,we’llneedtofigureouthowtosharethenews.”
Herphonedingedonthedresser.Shemoanedandglaredatit.
Itdingedagain.
Andagain.
SnatchingMia’siPhone,Itosseditintoherlap.“Canyouatleastturndownthevolume?Mybraincan’ttakethenoiserightnow.Especiallyloudonesthatringandechoinyourhead.Ihavetoheadtoclassnowwhileyouenjoyyourrestorativebeautysleep.”
“Justhearingthatyouhaveclassrightnowmakesmefeellikepuking.”Shefellbackontothechairandmoaned.
Afteraquickwardrobechangeandafewpatsofpowder,Igrabbedmybackpackandranoutthedoor.TheGlobalAudienceandInfluencerCultureclasstopicofthedaywasreputationmanagementandcancelculture,andIcouldn’twaittogo.Itwouldbeinfullattendance,soIgotthereearlytogetagoodseat,rightinthefrontrow.
Theclassbeganpromptly,andastheprofessorbeganthelecture,theTAunstackedsomechairsandplacedthreeoftheminthefront,facingtheaudience.
“Thefirsthalfoftheclasswehavetwospecialgueststospeakabouttheirindustries,bothCarlthorpealumni.Thesecondhalfwillbeavirtualinterviewwithapopular,longtimeYouTuberwhowillsharehowhe’sweatheredcontroversiesanddifficultmomentsinhiscareer.Withoutfurtherado,I’dliketoinviteCarlthorpegradsFrancescaClarkandAmandaPhillipsfromOlympusPresstothestage.Francescaistheassociatedirectorofsocialmediaforthepublisher,andAmandaworkswithauthorsasaneditorialassistant.”
Thenextminuteunfoldedindizzyingslowmotion,bothfromtheshockofseeingAmanda,andfromtheremainingalcoholinmybloodstreampulsinghardandrecirculatingthroughoutmybody.Therewasnowheretohidebecauseofmyprominentfront-rowposition,andIcouldn’tescapeeasilybecauseIwassmackinthecenter.
Amanda’seyesfixedonme,aslightheadtiltandfurrowingbrowsuggestingvaguerecollection.Butthen,bam!Itclicked.
AllIcoulddowasofferashrug.Playingitcool(oratleastfakingitcool)seemedtobethewaytogo,becauseflailingandrunningoutoftheroomscreamingwasn’tstrikingmeastherightapproach.
Shemanagedtostaypoisedasshespokeaboutauthorbrandingandcrisismanagement,offeringtheclassexamplesfrommyownpublisherthatwerenowherenearthelevelofcomplexityIwascurrentlynavigating.Assheexpressedhowimportantitwastohavetransparencyandhonestybetweenauthorsandpublishers,Isanklowinmychair.Amandawasn’talwayslookinginmydirection,butregardless,thosewordspackedpunches.Itwaslikeshewastalkingonlytome.
Astheprofessorannouncedafive-minuteintermission,AmandamarchedoverbeforeIcouldmakeamove.
Shewastiny,butheroverallmeticulousnessandlaw-abidingoverzealousnessscaredthelivingshitoutofme.“Thisisanunexpectedplacetomeetyouforthefirsttimeinperson,”sheremarked.“Isthereareasonthatyou’rehereandnot…writingabook?”
SoItriedthetransparencyapproachshehadjusttalkedaboutandcameclean,speakingatthespeedofanauctioneer,explaininghowmylifehadspiraled,andhowIwastryingtofixit.ThatIhadaninternshipalmostlinedup.AndIwasonlyweeksawayfromgettingmydegreeagain.Iendedwithbegginghernottotellanyone.
“It’sonlythreemoreweeksandIcanfixthis,”Isaidwithasmuchconfidenceahungover,unemployedpersoncouldmuster.“Pleaseletmetry.Ataminimum,thiswouldmakeafunnystoryforussomeday,right?”
“It’stimetomakeitbacktoourseatsforourvirtualspeaker,”theTAannouncedintothepodiummicrophone.
OfferingAmandamybestpleadingpuppy-doglook,sheeventuallyunscrunchedhershoulders.“Myreputationisonthelinetoonow.Sendmewhatpagesyouhavesofarandwhatyou’reproposingtodo,andIcantalktoKatherine.Just,please,don’tmakethingsanyworse.”
“Believeme,that’sthelastthingIwant.Worseness.”Igroaned.“I’msorry,that’snotevenaword,isit?”
Sheshookherheadandofferedmetheslightestofsmiles.NotoncedidAmandamentioncancelingmycontract.Orgivingbackmyadvancepayment.NoneofthethingsI’dfearedwouldhappen…atleastnotyet.
Lettingoutalongsigh,Iplacedclaspedhandsagainstmychest.“Ipromise,Iwillfixthis.Andthankyou.”
ItookmyseatagainasAmandawalkedoutwiththeotherguestspeaker.Fornow,mysecretwassafe.
***
IWALKEDINTOmybedroom,surprisedtofindMiaonthebed,withtwolaptops,aphone,andatabletplacedaroundherinasemi-circle.Hercellkeptmakingallsortsofbuzzing,vibrating,andpingingsoundswhilesheclickedaroundonthescreen.
“Ohshit.”Mia’svoicefelltoawhisperandherfaceturnedwhiteasasheet.“Shit,shit,shit.”
“Don’tpukeonmybed,”Iurged,droppingmybackpackandrunningovertomydesktograbthewastebasket.“Here,”Isaid,danglingitbyherside.“Takeit.”
Sheshookherhead.“No,it’snotthat.Although,itmightbethatsoon.God,Ifeellikeass.”Miasighedandhandedmeherphone.“Don’tfreak,thisisjustonemediahitIreceived,I’mhopingitdoesn’tblowup.Whenmyheadisn’tfoggy,wecanfigureoutaplan.”
Istaredatthearticleandread.
CARLTHORPECOURIERNEWS
“CelebsWhoWalkAmongUs”
Carlthorpehashaditsfairshareofcelebritysightingsovertheyears,duetoourlowprofile,picturesquecollegetownsettingandourcity’sgenerousproductiontaxbenefits.LongtimerumorshavebeenconfirmedthatanesteemednonfictionauthorhasbeenattendingclassesatCarlthorpe.LilyLee,aCarlthorpealum,hasbeenspottedinthescienceandengineeringbuildingsoncampus.Onelibrarian,whoaskedtoremainanonymous,saysLee“ishereforseveralhours,usuallybyherself,ontheweekend.”
We’reexcitedaboutLee’sreturntocampusandcan’twaittofindoutwhatspecialprojectshe’sworkingontograceuswithherpresence.Isitanewbook?Willshebeteachinghere?Issheconsultingoncurriculum?Wereachedouttohertorequestaninterviewbutsofarnoreply.Moretocomeasthestorydevelops.
—MadisonDrew,StaffReporter
Miatookthephonefrommyhands.“Atleasttheycalledyouaceleb.”
Itwasn’tsurprisingthatmyanonymouslifeoncampusmighteventuallybecomeexposed.Icheckedmyschoolemailandthereweren’tanymessagesrequestinganinterview,butafterlookingthroughmysocialmediaaccounts,IsawaDMfromtheCarlthorpeCourierduringexamweek,whichI’doverlooked.Damn.
IwasconfidentthatMiaandIcouldquicklycomeupwithaviablecoverstorytoexplainmycampusappearance.We’dalreadydiscussedafewoptionsbuthadneversolidifiedanythingofficial.OnceI’dgottenpastmidtermsandhadbeenundetectedamongthestudentbodyforsolong,Iletmyguarddown,thinkingthecoastwasclear.Butitwasn’t.Amandashowinguptomyclassreallyshookme.
“Maybewecanorderlunchandfigureoutwhatourstrategyis,”Isuggested.“Somethingalarmingjusthappenedtome,butIthinkit’sundercontrol.”
Mianodded.“Ineedsomethingtosoakupthealcohol.Whydidwethinkitwasagoodideatotrysparklingwinefromasixty-four-ouncecanjustbeforewewenttobed?”
Ishookmyhead.“Pleasedon’tmentionlastnightinanycapacity.Ineverwanttoseeredvelvetcakeagain.”
Shelaughedasherphonebuzzedthreetimesinarow.“Jesus.HowviralcouldthatCarlthorpeCouriercelebritysightingblogpostbe?”Sheunlockedherphoneandclickedafewtimes,thenrubbedherchin.“Okay,sotodayjustturnedworse,whichIdidn’tthinkwaspossible.”
“Isitaboutme?”Iasked.
Shenodded.“ThismightbehardertodothanIthought.Butdon’tpanic.IfIcanspinafamousfashionTikToker’srehabandastart-upfounder’srandomhookupas‘self-exploration,’Icanhelpyouthroughthis.”
NauseahitmehardwhenIsawthephotoofEthanandmeleavingSolv’sManhattanofficebuilding.ItwasonSpottedinTheBigApple’sInstagramaccount,whichwasaplacewhereexclusivesocietynewsaboutmoderatelyinterestingcelebtypeswholivedinNewYorkcouldbefound.ItworkedsortoflikeReddit,wherenewsstoriesthatreceivedthemostlikesandengagementwouldbethestoriestheyshowcaseonsocialmedia.Ayearago,itwouldhavebeenanhonortobefeaturedonSpottedinTheBigAppleandIwouldhavediedtohaveatonof“upvotes.”Butnow?Itwasaliability.WhywasIevenontheirradarinthefirstplace?
Thefirstpartofthecaptionunderthephotopokedfunatmeforcarryingoneofthoseold-schoolleatherportfoliosundermyarmthatpeopleusedinTVshowlegaldepositions.
Okay,thatwaskindoffunny.
“AtleastyouandEthanlookhotinthephoto,”sheadded.
Nothelpful,Mia.Butyes,itisagoodpicture.
Moreconcerningthanthephotowastherestofthecaption.“Spotted:LilyLeeatSolvHQ.Issheworkingonasecret(!)book?Interviewingemployeesor…interviewingforapositionthere?WedidsomesleuthingandscouredthejobdescriptionsonSolv’swebsiteandsawanopenHEADOFSTRATEGYposition,whichwethinkmakestotalsensegivenLee’sskillset.Butthere’smore!WealsouncoveredthisrecentblogpostfromCarlthorpeCourieraboutLily’slatestwhereaboutsonthelocalcampus.Whyissheoncampusfourhoursawayifshe’salsoinNYC?Morenewstocome(makesureyoulikeandcommenttoupvote!).”
Theposthadjustgoneliveinthemorning,andunfortunatelytheengagementwashigh.TherewerepeoplespeculatingonwhetherIwaswritingtwobooks:oneabouttechcompaniesandoneaboutacademia.OthersthoughtIwasconsulting.And,ofcourse,thetrollswereoutdoingtheirthing,lessspeculating,morecommentingabouthowIwasanunderqualifiedwomantakingjobsawayfrommorequalifiedmen.Sofar,noonehadputtwoandtwotogethertoactuallyconnectmyCSclasswithmyinternshipcandidacyatSolv.Butitwasonlyamatteroftime.
Ipleaded,“Giveittomestraight.Inyourprofessionalopinionandasmybestfriend,howscrewedamI?”
Sheputherphonedown.“Professionallyspeaking,it’stooearlytosay.I’drecommendthatwegetaheadofthis,maybepostsomethinginthenexttwenty-fourhoursaboutwhyyou’rebackoncampus.Weshouldhavedonethatearlier,anddamn,that’sonmefornotthinkingitmightcometothis.Thelevelofdisclosureisuptoyou,butI’drecommendbeingashonestaspossiblewithoutdisclosingallthenitty-grittydetails.Asafriend,IcanofferyouagianthugandsayIhaveyourbacknomatterwhat.”Miawrappedherarmsaroundmybodyandsqueezed.“IthinkIfuckedup,I’msosorry.”
Iswallowedhard.“Allofthisisnotonyou.It’sonmetoo.Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedinlife,it’sthatadultslikeuswingiteveryday.Eventhoughwepretendtohavesomecontroloverourlivesandgoodjudgmentfromyearsoflifeexperience,thingsjustgowrong.Forme,allthetime.Mistakeshappen.Risksdon’tpayoff.Andwehavetosomehowkeepgoing.Sadly,thiswillgoonforeveruntilwedie.”
Sheletoutaweaklaugh.“Well,thatwasinsightful,anddisturbinglymorbid.MaybeweneedBethinhereforapeptalk.Anyotherideasonwhatwecandotomakethisgoaway?Mybrainisnotcooperatingatthemoment.”
UsuallyIwasaskingherforadvice,nottheotherwayaround.“MaybeIshouldjustrunaway,likeMariadoesinTheSoundofMusic.”
Sheraisedaneyebrow.“Ihatetobreakittoyou,buttherearenoconventstorunawaytowithindrivingdistanceofCarlthorpe.Tobehonest,Idon’tevenknowiftheyexistinreallifeatallinthiscountry,butwehaveotherthingstoworryaboutthangooglingabbeylocationsrightnow.Oh!Andremember?Thatcrazy-assMariacameback!Iwouldhaveghostedpermanently.”
Myshouldersslumped.“Yeah,true.Okay,howbadisallofthis,really,onascaleofonetoten?Betruthful,likeyoualwaysare.”Iwinced,anticipatingheranswer.
Sheflinched.“Tenoutoften.Yougetaperfectscore.”
***
MIAANDIrecordedthefinaltakeofashortvideo,comingcleanaboutmycollegesituation,andweretryingtouploaditwhenwerealizeditwastoolate.
Iwastaggedinseveralpostsatonce.Eachheadlinereadlikeasmackacrosstheface.
ISLILYLEEAFEMINISTORAFRAUD?Slap!
SENIORITISSTRIKESLILYLEEASSHERETURNSTOCAMPUS.Whack!
HOWLILYLEE’SEDUCATIONHOAXFOOLEDUSALL:WHYWESHOULDBANHERBOOKS.Punch!Thwack!
MyhandstrembledasIcontinueddoomscrolling.Eachoftheseclickbaitblogtitlesandsocialmediagrabbypostsreadlikefront-pagenewspaperheadlines,shoutingdirectlyatme,pronouncingmeahugefakeandapatheticscamartisttothewholeworld.Everymajorfailureinmylifethatleftmeaninsecuremesscameroaringbackintomymind.Gettingknockedoutofthecitywidespellingbee,ironicallybytheword“disappoint.”Beingsecondorthirdchairintheflutesectionallthroughouthighschoolband,nevernumberone.Andlet’snotforgetmysister’sMD/PhD,comparedtomycollegedropoutstatus.Icouldn’tgetajob.Couldn’tfulfillmybookcontract.AndnowIhadnolifetogobacktoanymore.Withoutmyreputationandstatus,Ihadnothing.WhatI’dthoughtaboutmyselfforyearswasexactlyhowotherssawmetoo.
Fraud.
Imposter.
Fake.
EverythingwasfullyspelledoutintheworldexactlyasIsawitinmyhead,inpithysoundbitesinvariousnewsoutletsandsocialmediaforeveryonetosee.
ItwasMiawhobrokedowncryingfirst.“I’mso,sosorryIletyoudown.Ithoughtwecouldgetaheadofit.”
Miaopenlyshowingherfeelingscausedmetoburstintotearssoonafter,andthepressurecompressingmychest,plusthesenseofdoomlodgeddeepinsideme,letupalittleasmoretearsflowed.CryingwasmoretherapeuticthanI’drealized.
Shetookadeepbreathandwipedhercheeks.“Let’sdodamagecontrolandgofromthere.Whatdowetacklefirst?Whatworriesyouthemost?”
Isniffledandclosedmyeyes.“God,somanythings.EveryonethinksI’mahackwithoutgivingmeachanceforarebuttal.Whatifmypublishercancelsmycontractnow?AndSolvrejectsmebecauseofthis?WhatifI’vejeopardizedmygraduationagain?Andshit,whataboutmyparents?”Therewasnohierarchytothislist.Everythingwasequallyterribleinitsownway,andallthepossibilitieshadincreasedinlikelihoodtenfoldsincemorning.
Miaasked,“Areyougoingtotellyourparents?”
Myshouldersslumped.“Ididn’teventhinkaboutthat.Ihaveto,right?”
“Theymightguilt-tripyouifyoudon’t,butIthinkyoushouldtellthemwhenyou’reready,aimingforsoonerratherthanlater.Otherwisethey’llhearitfromsomeoneelse.”
Byguilt-trip,MiameantthatmymomanddadwouldscoldmeabouthowtheycametotheUnitedStateswhentheywereintheirtwenties,fightingforsurvivalandtryingtoobtaintheAmericandream,onlytohavemewastetimeandopportunities.Theywouldreadthisasmybeingcareless,notappreciatingtheirultimateimmigrantsacrifice,disrespectingthemwitheachandeveryfailure.Andhavingathirty-somethingdaughterwithoutacollegedegree?Theultimatedisgrace.
Itwasasifmylifehadbeenhitbyan8.0earthquake,andallIwantedrightnowwasasliverofhope,asignthatmaybethingswouldworkout.Ineededsomething,anything,tobelievein.MaybewiththatIcouldseepastthewreckagearoundme.
Miaadded,“Thereareprobablyotherpeopleyouwanttotellfirst.”
MiawouldtellBeth,soitcamedowntometolettheonepersonIdidn’twanttobevulnerablearoundknowaboutmymediaexposure.
Truthfully,Iwantedtotellhim,evenifMiahadn’tproddedme.Imissedhim.Andthemoretimethatpassed,themoredistantJakeandIhadbecome.
Idialedhisnumber.Onceuponatime,Jakehadpromisedmethathe’dalwayspickupwhenIcalled.Whatadumbthingformetorememberandholdsacredafteralltheseyears.
Anunmistakablefeelingofmychesttighteningreturned.Helloagain,anxiety.
Afterthreelongrings,Iheardhisvoicecracklethroughthespeaker.
“You’vereachedthevoicemailofJacobCho.SorryImissedyourcall.Ifyou’dliketoleaveamessage—”
Mylungswouldn’tfullyexpand,whichcutoffmybreathing.Ihungup.
Miawhispered,“I’msosorry.”
MyphonerangbeforeIcouldrespond
ItwasJake.
TherewasagitationinhisvoicewhenIanswered.“Hey,I’mwalkingintoanimportantmeeting,butsawyoucalled.SorryImissedit,theringerwassilencedandIhadafeelingthatIneededtocheckmyphonewhenyoucalled.Isitimportant?Ordidyoubuttdialmebyaccident?”
Itwasn’texactlythemoviemontageresponseIwanted,butitwasbetterthangettinghisvoicemail.AndthelastthingIwantedwastosabotagewhatevermeetinghehadalreadylinedup.ButhegavemewhatIneededatatimeIneededhimthemost.
Hope.
“It’simportant,butIthinkitcanwait,”Isaidsoftly.
“Areyousure?It’stoolateformetoreschedulemythingrightnow,butifit’sanemergency,Icantry.Thismightsoundridiculous,butalongtimeagoImadeapromisetoyouthatifyouevercalled—”
“Iremember,”Iwhispered.
“Youdo?”heasked,breathinghard
Ismiled.“Yes.Andthankyou.I’llbefinefornow.Goodluckwithyourmeeting.”
“Thanks.It’samake-or-breakmomentforme,I’lltellyouaboutifit’smakeinsteadofbreak.I’llbetieduptodaybutI’llcallyousoon,Ipromise.”
Hepromised.IglancedatMiawhenIhungup.Hermouthtuggedatthecornersasshespoke.“Thatsoundedoptimistic.Whileyouwereonthephone,IcameupwithacoupleofideasIwanttorunbyyou.AndBethtextedme…she’llbepoppinginhereshortly.”
Good,IcouldusesomeofBeth’soptimism.Hopefullywithoutthewhistle.
Sheenteredmyroomcarryingatwo-tieredfrostedchocolatecake.Noonehadeverenteredmyroomwithatwo-tieredfrostedchocolatecake,butIhopeditwouldn’tbethelasttime.ItsolvednoneofmyimmediateproblemsandIwasn’treallyhungry,especiallyaftereatingsomuchdessertthenightbefore,butseeingthecakeandBeth’ssmilingfacedistractedmeenoughtohelpmerecognizethatIhadfriendsinmycorner.MyheartflutteredinmychestasBethsetthedessertdown.
“Iprocrasti-bakedthisbrowniecakethismorning,maybemyroomieESPwastellingmesomething.”ShesmiledasshetippedhercreationalittlesoIcouldseetheinscription:WeBelieve.“Iranoutoficing.It’ssupposedtosay‘WeBelieveinYou!’”
MiahuggedBeth.“It’sbeautifulandperfect.”
Blushinghard,Bethsaid,“Thankyou.IstayedupallnightworkingonmygradschoolapplicationsafterwedrankandImadethebrownielayersthismorning.Iwasjustgoingtofreezeitforlater,butwhatgoodtiming!Ithoughtyoucouldusesomecheeringup,andwhodoesn’tloveabrowniecake?”
“Wait,you’renothungover?”Miaasked.
Sheshruggedandslicedintothetoplayer,revealingchewy,chocolateygoodness.“Goodgenes,Iguess.”
Goodgenes,andayoung,sprightlybody.HerhydratedskinhadtheelasticityofaTRXstrengthband,despitealltheDietCokeshedrank.“Yourbrowniecakeisgorgeous,insideandout.Justlikeyou,Beth,”Isaid.
Miaplacedoneoftheslicesonasmallpaperplateandtookabite.“OhmyGod,Beth.IthoughtIcouldn’tstandlookingatthisafterlastnight,butthisistodiefor.IreallyneedyoutobakeforallmyPRevents.Let’stalklater,whenallofthisblowsover.”
“Youreallythinkthiscanblowover?”Iaskedwithawaveringvoice.
Shelickedfrostingoffherfork.“HaveIseenworsethanthisinmylineofwork?Maybenot.ButIhaveafewideasnowthattheshockhaswornoffalittle.Thingsaregoingtobebadforawhileuntilthedustsettles,sotherewon’tbemuchdowntimeor”—Mialookeddownatherplate—“leisurelyeating.Butlet’seatourbrunchbrowniecakeandbrainstormtogether,andwecanstartputtingthingsinmotion.Howdoesthatsound?”
“Itsoundsdelicious,”Isaid.ChapterTwenty-Nine
WhyisBethwearingahoundstoothblazerwithelbowpatchesandapairoftortoiseshellreadingglasses?”
Miashushedme.“She’sheretohelp.Andit’sbetterthanwhatshewaswearingearlier,thoseCANYOUFEELTHELOVETONIGHT?pajamas,withtwosoupcansholdinghands.”
“Areyoureallyonetotalk?”IlookeddownatMia’snoveltytee:I’MGRUMPYCATINHUMANFORM
Sherolledhereyes.“Anyway,Beth’sgoingtopresentsomeofhermainfindingsfromherseniorseminar.Isawwhatshewasstudyingandthoughtitcouldbeuseful,especiallywitheverythinggoingon.”Bethhada4.0GPAandwasadualmajorinpsychologyandneuroscience.
“Goodafternoon,class,”Bethsaidasshehandedussomefreshlyprintedpages.
Miagroaned.Ilaughed.
“BeforeIbegin,Ihavesomequestionsforyou.Whohereisinthehabitofself-sabotaging?”
MiaandIlookedateachotherandshrugged.
“Okay,letmeputthisanotherway,withmoretangibleexamples.Pleaseraiseyourhandifyou’veeverkeptquietinameetingoraclassevenwhenhavingagoodidea…orconformedtoagroup’swayofdoingsomethingeventhoughyouhadanopiniononhowtodoitbetterbutweretooscaredtospeakup.Hasanyoneturneddownagreatopportunitybecauseyoudidn’tthinkyouweregoodenough?”
Miaraisedherhand.Ironically,Iwastootimidtoraisemyhandtoadmitallofthis,eventhoughIwashereamongfriends.
Bethlookedatme.“Or…hasanyonepraisedyouforanaccomplishment,andyouwroteitoffasluck?Orhaveyoueverdismissedacompliment,saying‘Itwasnothing,’orevencriticizedyourselfrightafterasawayofdeflectingpraiseorshowinghumility?”
Inodded.Yes,fine,yougotme.Iwasguiltyofallofit.Slowly,Iraisedmyhand.
BethnoddedatMiaandme.“Theseareexamplesofmicroself-sabotagingeventstriggeredbysomethingresearchersnotedoverfortyyearsago,imposterphenomenon.Therearehundreds,maybethousands,ofotherexamplesofthis.ButthesearetheonesthatI’mguiltyoftoo.”
Shecontinued,“PsychotherapyexpertsatGeorgiaStateUniversitystartedstudyingthisintheseventiesandhonestly,therereallyshouldhavebeenmanymorefollow-upstudies.Wedon’thaveatonoftimetodelvedeephere,andI’msharinghigh-levelwhatI’veresearchedinmyclasses,butacertifiedtherapistormedicalprofessionalwouldknowmore.Idohavesomeguidelinestohelpyouthinkaboutwaystocopeandcombatthisimposterphenomenon,alsoknownasimpostersyndrome,inthemeantime.”
“Preach,ProfessorBeth!”Miaclosedhereyesandraisedbothhandsintheair.Wealllaughed.
“First,youneedtoadmitit’saproblem.Researchsuggeststhatitismoreprevalentinwomen,especiallyinhigh-achievinghouseholdsandinmarginalizedcommunities.”
Yes,Iwasinallofthosecategories.Check,check,andcheck.
“Manyhighachieversarebothdrivenanddebilitatedbythecomparisongame.Settinggoalsandtargetsthatyoumayeventuallyreachbutdon’tappreciateonceyou’rethereisunfortunatelycommon.”
Internally,Iwasscreaming.Notather,butatmyself.Bethwassoright.Iwasasuccessfulauthorandasought-outcareerexpert.IshouldbeproudofmyaccomplishmentsandnotfeellikeIneedtoshowproofofexpertiseoracertificateofauthenticitywitheverybusinessorprofessionalinteraction.I’dcarriedself-doubtsmyentirecorporatecareer,andthey’dfollowedmeintomyauthorlifetoo.
Whenwoulditend?
Miaraisedherhand.“Howaboutsocialmedia?We’reallinthepracticeofprojectingthebestversionofourlives,ourhighlightreelsofallthegoodthings.AndIstillknowinglycomparemyactualselftootherpeople’sperfectonlinelives,evenwhenIknowbetter,andfeelbadaboutmyselffornotmeasuringup.”
Inoddedandadded,“TherewerelotsofbaddayswhenIthoughtmywritingcareerwasalreadyoverevenwhenthingsweregoingwelljustbecauseIwascomparingmyselftoothers,andseeingmyfriendswhostuckwiththeirjobsriseintheranksattheircompanieswhileIsteppedawayfromcorporatelife…itwasalot.”
Woulditeverend?
Or…maybeitwasuptometoendit?
Bethlistenedandnodded.“Ihaveonemorethingtoaddthat’snotinmyseniorthesis.Whilewe’vetalkedabouttheinternalizationofbadfeelings,let’salsonotethatit’stheenvironmentsthemselvesthataresetupinawaytoperpetuatethesefeelings.”
Itwastrue,thiswasn’tonlyaboutself-esteemandnegativethoughtsaboutmyself.Inodded.“Yes!Schools,workplaces,andinstitutionalculturesneedtobereexamined,becauseit’snotjustaboutfixingindividualpeople,right?It’saboutfixingthesystemicbiasandculturalinertiaallaroundussothatmarginalizedpeoplecanfeelliketheynotonlybelongbutthattheycanthrive.”
Bethexclaimed,“Onehundredpercent.Fullstop.”Pickingupalegalpadandflippingthroughit,sheconcluded,“IthinkI’vecoveredalotfortoday’sBethTalk.”ShetuckedapenbehindherearandlookedatMia.“Isthiswhatyouwerethinking?HowIcouldhelp?”
MiajumpedupfromthecouchandhuggedBeth.“Itwasgreat!Everythingyoujustsaidresonatedwithmesomuch.Whataboutyou,Lily?”Miaasked.
Theybothlookedatme.
Ibobbedmyhead.“Itwaslikeyouwereinsidemyheadwithamagnifyingglass.Ididn’tlikeitonebit.Butifthere’sonethingIcandonow,it’sstartsmallwiththethingsyou’veidentifiedandchipawayatthem.Youhavetostartsomewhere,right?”
Miaasked,“Whatareyougoingtodofirst?”
“Well,we’reabouttonavigateunchartedterritorywithmyPRcrisis.ButI’llstartwithrefrainingfrommyself-limiting,undermininglanguage.”
Mia’sshouldersslumped.“Honestly,it’ssohardtodothat,withKoreanparentslikeours.Whenyou’reyoung,theytellyoutobehumbleandquiet,andtostriveforperfection…it’sjustsoingrainedinyou.”
Ichimedin.“Butthey’retheworstoffenderssometimes—myparents’wholegroupoffriendsareconstantlybraggingandshowingoffaccomplishments.Andthecomparisongamethey’realwaysperpetuatingisdamaginginsomanyways.”
Miasighed.“I’mprettysuremystrictdadwasthecauseofmyself-doubts.Itwasallcriticismwiththatguy,andzeropraise.Iwasnevergoodenough.”Sheleanedbackinherchair,contemplativeinherthoughts.“Butweneedtobreakthiscyclesomehow.”
Myparentswerethesameway.Myanxietyfirstreareditsuglyheadinhighschool,andsincethen,I’dbeenconstantlybattlingboutsofinsecurity,bothprofessionallyandromantically.IworkedtwiceashardtoprovetoeveryoneIwasasuperstaremployee,andthatleftzerotimeforexploringromanticrelationships.
Itwastimeforachange.“Iwon’tdownplaymyaccomplishments,notanymore.IshouldbeproudofwhatI’vedonewithmylife.Ihadasuccessfulcorporatecareerandtookabigchancebyleavingittobecomeaconsultantandanauthor.IworkedhardtogettowhereIam,damnit,andthesuccessesI’vehadaren’ttheaccomplishmentsofmyparents.They’remine.It’stimethatItootmyownhorn.Othersmightnotlikeit,butasthesayinggoes,‘Hatersgonnahate.’”
Bethsquealed.“Youarethewalking,talking,real-lifeversionofT-Swizzle’s‘ShakeItOff’andI’mhereforit!”
MiaexchangedglanceswithmeandIcough-laughed.“Butthisisallgoodtothinkabout,especiallynow.Thankyouforthehelpful,motivationalBethTalk.”
Shebeamed.“I’mgladIcouldhelpsomeonewithmyresearch.”
“Shallwedothecheer?”Miasaid,giddywithanticipation.
Onedrunkennight,allthreeofushadcomeupwitharidiculous“rahrah”thingthatMiawasactuallyexcitedabout.Thetimingseemedmoreappropriatethanever.Sheputoutherhand,Bethstackedherrightoneonit,andIplacedmineonhers.
“Onthecountofone,two,three!”Miacheered.
“Let!That!Shit!Go!”wechanted,thenbrokeformation.ChapterThirty
ElevenYearsAgo
Ourbagswerepacked,thepassportswereready,andIhadwithdrawnfivehundredeurosfromthebank.StrollingdownCarlthorpe’smainwalkwaybeforeheadingtotheairport,IcouldgetonelastlookatcampusbeforeflyingtoSpainwithJake.Well,wewerefirstflyingintoParisforaweek,andwouldthentakethetraintoMadrid,mydreamvacationdestination,andarriveinBarcelonaatthemonth’send,whenclassesofficiallystarted.
Everythingwehadplannedhadturnedoutperfectly.WebothgotintothestudyabroadprogramourfirstsemestersenioryearatAutonomousUniversityofBarcelona.IhadsavedenoughmoneysoIcouldtravelbeforeandafterthesemesterended.AndIgotintoallthecoursesIhadwanted.
IhadneverimaginedthatI,LilyLee,wouldbestudyingabroadinEurope.MyonlypassportstampswerefromatriptoKorea,butthatwastovisitfamily.Thiswasdifferent.Soon,IwouldgathermytravelgearfromMia’sapartmentandflyacrosstheAtlantic,readytohavetheexperienceofalifetime.
Ishiveredwithexcitementandgiddiness.
Myphonerang.Itwasmyumma.We’dalreadysaidourgoodbyesearlierthatmorning,orrather,IgotalectureabouthowIwaswastingmoney,slackingoff,andIshouldtraveltoEuropewhenIwasolderinstead.IpromisedmyparentsthatIwouldstudyhardandnot“playaround,”astheysaid.
“It’sstillnottoolatetotakepremedclassesandstudyforMCAT,”theymanagedtosqueezeinbeforewesaidourgoodbyes.IhungupknowingIdidn’thavetheirsupport,butitwastimetostartlivingmylifeoutsideofwork-studyandmytextbooks,eveniftheydidn’tapprove.Threeyearsofadulthoodhadalreadyflownby,andIhadnothingtoshowforthem.
Iwantedtobreakoutofmyshellandhavethetimeofmylifewithmyboyfriend.JakeandIhadfoughtrecentlyabouthowhewasn’tprioritizingmehigherthan,say,intramuralsoftball,communitygardening,ultimateFrisbee,andamillionotherthings.HecounteredbycomplainingthatIwasconstantlyworking,studying,orsigningupforResLifeactivities.Barcelonawouldgiveustimetogether.
Nodistractions.
WhenUmmatriedcallingthreetimes,Iknewithadtobeurgent.She’dnevertriedtocontactmelikethis,notevenonthedayCarlthorpesentouttheiradmissionsletters,orthedaymyoldersisterhadgottenintomedschool,orwhenAppahadbeentransferredtoanewcityforhisengineeringjobandtheyweresellingmychildhoodhome.
“Hello?”Iansweredwithasmidgeoffear.
“Lily,good!You’renotontheplane.Don’tgotoSpain.”
Actually,IwasheadedtoParistospendaweekwithJake,stuffingourfaceswithcroissants,steakfrites,andmacarons.NotSpain.Notyet.
“We’vealreadygoneoverthis,”Icomplained.“MycourseloadtherewillmostlytransferoverandIpromiseI’llstudyhard.Financialaidwillbethesame,andI’llcoveranyextraspending.”
“No,youdon’tunderstand,”shecontested.Therewasalongpausebeforeshecontinued.“Didyoutalktoyoursister?”
Mysisterhad,infact,sentmeatravelaccessorieskitasabonvoyagegift,somethingmyparentshadn’tthoughttodo.“Wealreadysaidgoodbyelastnight.Whatisallofthisabout,anyway?”Icheckedmywatch.“Myplaneleavesinaboutfourhours.”DidmyparentstellSaratotalkmeoutofgoing,thedayoftheflight?Nowannoyed,especiallythattheyhadbroughttheirfavoritechildintothis,Ifumed,“Look,I’mgoing.I’venevergottentotravelanywhereotherthanKorea,andthisisaperfectopportunitytodosomethingacademic,cultural,andsocial,allatthesametime.I’mheadingtotheairportnow,andI’llletyouknowIarrivedsafely.”
“No,Lily.Youdon’tlisten.You’renotgoing.Youcan’t.”Hervoicefellfaint.“Yourappa…hiscompanylayhimofftoday,justafterwetalkonphone.Wedon’thavemoneyforyourcollege,wepayingforSaramedicalschooltoo,remember?”
Istoppedbreathing.Whatdidshemean?Theydidn’thavemoneyforcollege?
Sheadded,“Wehaveenoughsavingtohelppayingforonlyonesemester.AndwehavetokeeppayingforSaramedicalschool.It’sagoodschool,butexpensive.”
Wordsfumbledaroundonmytongue.“So…I—Ihavetostayhere?”Queasinessovertookme.Ifellontoabenchalongthewalkwayandtriedtosteadymyself.
“Stayatcampusandgraduateearly.YouhavetheAPcredit,youcantakeallofyourclassesinonesemester.Wecan’tpayourshareforbothsemester.Wecan’ttakeoutmorestudentloanrightnowandit’stoolatetogetlowinterest.Youalreadyborrowingtoomuch.”
Herwordshitmeoneafteranother.Iwasbarelyabletoprocessthem.Throughoutmyfirstthreeyearsofcollege,I’dpickedupcampuswork-studyjobsandvariousotherpart-timegigs,butincreasingmyhourswouldn’tbeenoughtopaymyparents’portionoftuition.Iwasinalotofdebtwithfederalloansalready,andalthoughmybraincouldn’tprocesswhatwashappening,themathworked:graduatingearlywouldhelpmyfamilyfinancially.
HowmanyclassesdidIneed?Five,maybesix?Myschedulewouldbepackedwithcoursesandwhateverpart-timeworkIcouldfindtohelpoffsetexpenses.Iwouldhavenolife.
Myphonebeeped.ItwasJakecallingontheotherline.Iignoredit.
Ratherthanapologizeortemperthisshockingmajorlifechange,mymomsaid,“Well,youcangotoSpainanothertime.Whenyouretire.Wedidn’twantyoutogoanyway,toomuchplaying.”
Boy,shehitanervewiththatone.
Icriedoutinfrustration,“WhydoyouthinkI’dgotheretoplay?Whatdoyouevenmeanbythat?Iwantedtodosomethingonmyownforonce.Makemyowndecisions.Ididn’tevenchooseCarlthorpe,remember?YouandAppadid.AndnowwhenIfinallyhaveanopportunitytogrowup,tofigureouthowtheworldworks,toenjoymylife…Ievensavedupspendingmoneyandtriedtodosomethingformyselfforonce…andnothinggoesright!Andontopofthat,I’mtheonewhohastotakethebruntofthismoneycrunch,notfuturedoctorSara.”Iletoutafrustratedscreamasmystomachtwistedintoadistortedpretzel.Afamiliarfeelingoftightnessinmyabdomenreturnedinfullforce,alongwithasenseofdread.CouldIevengetanyclassesIwanted?CouldIgetcampushousingnow?WherewouldIstaybeforeclassesstarted?
Icouldhearmymomrepeatingmynameoverandover,eachtimesoundingmoreirritatedandimpatient.Itwastoomuchforme.Iendedthecallandleanedmyheadbackonthebench.
Whatafuckingdisaster.
Asetoflargehandscoveredmyeyesfrombehind.“Guesswho?”
Iwhirledaround,myangryfistmakingimmediatecontactwithJake’schest
Heheldhispalmsup.“Whoathere!Iwasjustmessingwithyou.Andshit,thathurt.Iwasworriedbecauseyouweretakingsuchalongtimeatthebank.Weneedtoleaveinafewminutes,soIcamelookingforyou.”
“I’mnotgoing,”Ibarelywhispered.TearstumbleddownmycheeksandIwipedthemawaywiththepalmsofmyhands.
Irepeatedthosewordsagain.Louder,sadder,andvoidofhope.“I’m.Not.Going.”
Eventhen,thewordsstilldidn’tfeelreal.
Hecamearoundtomysideofthebenchandsatdown.“Whathappened?Didyougetcoldfeet?Didsomeonegethurt?Iseverythingokay?”
Nopointinhidinganyofit.Itoldhimaboutmydad’ssuddenjobloss.Howtheywerepayingformysister’smedschooltooandprioritizingitovermyundergraduatestudies.HelookedstunnedasIshudderedandsobbed.
Ilookedathim.“Couldyoustaywithme?”Justawhile.Orlonger.UntilIfiguredsomethingsout.“Please?”
Jake’seyesdarkened.Hehadn’thadmuchtimetoprocesswhatI’dtoldhim,butwhenhisfacefell,Iknewthingswereabouttogetworse.
Ipleadedanyway,withmoredesperationinmyvoice.“Pleasedon’tgo.Don’tleave.”
Andthiswaswhenapotentiallytouchingmomenttogetherturnedintoanotherunexpected,life-changingonethatwouldhauntmeforever.
Jakedidn’toffertostayafewhours,oradayortwotohelpmegetonmyfeet.NordidhesayhecouldstaywithmeforanypartoftheweekwhenweweresupposedtovacationinParis,whenweweregoingtosightseetogetherandstuffourselveswithbutter-ladenpastries.
Heproposednoneofthosethings.
Hisfacehardenedinstead.“I-I’msorry,Ican’tflakeoutonthis.Youknowhowyou’realwaysonmycaseabouthowIdoamillionthingsbutIneverseeanythingthrough?Myparentssaythesamething.They’refedupwithme.Forswitchingmajors,forchangingmymindaboutsummerinternships,fornotknowingwhatIwanttodoaftercollege.Theythreatenedtocutoffmycollegefunds,buttheysaidIcouldgotoSpainifIprovedIcouldberesponsible.They’llkillmeifIbailthistime.”Hiseyesbecamewaterybutheremainedsteadfast.“I’msorry,Lily.Ican’tbackout.Ihavetogo.”
Thealarmsonmyphoneandwatchwentoffatthesametime.Areminderitwasexactlyfourhourspriortotheflightdeparturetime.Thecarservicewescheduledtotakeustotheairportwouldarriveatanymoment.
Iwitheredintoasmaller,fragileversionofmyself.Jake’sphonebuzzedoverandover.“Ineedtogetthis.It’smymom.I—Idon’tknowwhattosaytoher.ButIshouldtakeit.”
Hehesitatedasecond,thenwhisperedtome,“Istillloveyou.”WhenIdidn’trespond,hesaiditasecondtime.Istilldidn’tsayitback.Instead,Ifoughtbacktearsandlookedawayfromhim.
Afterthephonerangagain,hewalkedafewstepsawayfromthebenchandanswered.“Hi,Umma.I’mkindofbusy.”Apause.“Headingouttotheairportsoon.Everything’stakencareof,I’llcallyouwhenIland.Okay,sure,putAppaontheline.”
“Ineedtogo,”hemumbledtomeashecoveredthephonereceiver.Hetriedtokissmyforehead,butIshirkedawayfromhistouch.Hishurriedfootstepsdownthewalkwayweretimedperfectlytothefranticbeatofmyheart.Theachinginsidemychestwasunbearable,aphysicalsignofmyheartslowlybreakinginrealtime.Jake’ssilhouettegrewsmallerandsmallerinthedistance,andeventuallydisappeared.
Hewasgone.
Iwasalone.
IcamebacktoMia’sapartmentafewhourslater.Hernewroommate,anexchangestudentfromHongKong,wasn’tarrivingforacoupleofweeks.Sothatgavemetimetoplanaroundmycalamity.Notmuchtime,butsome.
Iundressedinthebathroomandflickedonthehotwater.
Hotshowersusuallyrelaxedmeandclearedmymind,butnotthistime.Thestreamofwaterhitthebackofmyneck.Mybrainplayedbacktheworstpartsoftheafternoon’sevents.NotriptoSpain.Nothavingmoneybecauseofmydad’sjobloss.Jakeabandoningme.
NoSpain.Nomoney.NoJake.Overandoveragain.
Mymindfeltsluggishasthesteamfromtheshowerenvelopedme.EachbreathIdrewwasmoreandmoreshallow.
Ineededfreshair.
No,Ineededtosit.Slidingmybackdowntheshowerwall,Isatkneestochestintheshower.ThewatertemperaturetransitionedfromhottowarmtotepidasIclosedmyeyes,tryingtocontrolmybreath.
Asquealabovemeechoedintheroom.Thesoundoftheshowervalvecrankingtotheright.Theflowofwaterstopped.
“Lily?Areyouokay?”Afamiliarvoicecutthroughthefog.
“Mia?”Ibarelywhispered.
Sheplacedatatteredterry-clothrobearoundmyshiveringshoulders.“Youthinkyoucangetup?Maybegetsomerest?Letmehelp.”
“I’mnotgoingtoSpain.”
Withherarmsoutstretched,Miagrabbedbothofmyhandsandliftedmeslowlyfromthetiledfloor.Mybodyweighedathousandpounds,butbysomemiracle,Imanagedtomakeittoherbedroomwithherhelp.Shelaidoutafewblanketsandapillowonthemattress,placedamugofwateronthenightstand,anddimmedthelights.
Iwhispered,“Didhecallme?Totalkaboutit?”
Miapulledmyphoneoutofmycoatpocketandlookedatthescreen.“There’snothingfromJake.I’msosorry.”
MiaandIwerereunitedunexpectedlyontheworstdayofmylife,whenIwasletdownbymyfamily,andmyboyfriendbecamemyex-boyfriend.Thatnight,weformedaneternalbondthatcouldnevereverbebroken.Miahadmybackthen,andIwouldalwayshavehers.ChapterThirty-One
UmmacalledsomanytimesIfinallypickedup.Withoutadoubt,she’dheardthenews.
“Umma,Icanexplain—”Ipleaded.
“Makenosense.Thirty-ninedollarwasted!Andtheysaytheiceismeltedsotheycan’tshipsameboxagain.Youneedtoexplain.”
ButIhadnoexplanation.Ihadnoideawhatthehellshewasgoingonabout.
“Idon’tunderstand,actually,”Iconfessed.“Whatshipment?”
“AppaandIsendyouOmahaSteaksgiftpackageasacongratulationsonstartingnewjob.Threeribeyes.Iwaitfourmonthforyourbigdayatyournewcompany,Ievenmarkeditonthecalendar!IsendtoSwainandWallace,whereyousayyouwork,andtheyjustcallmeandsaytheycan’tdeliver.Theysayyounotworkingthereandnooneheardofyou.”
Iswallowedhard.Technically,InevertoldherIactuallyworkedthere,Iwascarefulwithmywords.Butthatwasbesidethepoint.Likewitheverythingelse,Imessedthisup.TherewassomepossibilityIcouldcontinuethisrusewithmyparents,butonlywithmoredeceit,andI’dhadenough.Aftertakingadeepbreath,Itoldheraboutmycollegecreditshortage,andhowIdidn’tgetthejobbecauseofit.Andthatmybookdealwasprobablyalsocanceled.
Imumbled,“I’msorry.”Mynaturalinclinationwastoofferanapologyforbeingadisappointmenttothem,butIstoppedmyself,mymindjumpingbacktomyrecentdiscussionwithBethandMiaaboutfeelinglikeIwasn’tcompetent,orskilled,orsmartenough.Andthatmymistakeswereevidenceofmyinadequacy.
Butnoneofthiswastrue.Itreallywasn’t.
I’dmoveduptheladderandworkedhardtogettowhereIwas.I’dwonawards.Gottenperformancebonuses.Thesewerefacts.AndIhadreceipts.
Goingthroughlifestrivingforperfection,withoutmakinganymistakes,wasn’tjustunsustainable,itwasimpossible.Admittingasmuchwasn’tshowingweakness,itwassettingmyselfupforhappiness.Owningmysuccesseswasonethingthatwouldhelpmegetthere.
AndIstartedbytellingmyparentsthetruth.
Thenmydadsaidsomethingthatsurprisedme.Itwasgenuine.Hopeful.Earnest.
“Ifyougobacktocollegeagain,thismeanyoucanstillgotomedicalschool.Nowyouhavesecondchance!”Appasaid.
Ummachirped,“Lawschoolisokaytoo!”
Iclearedmythroat.“Uh,no.That’snothappening,andthat’snotwhyI’mdoingcollegeagain.Iwillsaythisthough.I’mproudofwhatI’veachieved,eventhatlastsemesterincollege,whichwasaverydarktimeforme.”
Appasaidquietly,“Iremember.Thatwasbadtimeforwholefamily.”
Ummaadded,“VeryhardforyourAppa.”
Dadwhispered,“No,IthinkmorehardforLilythanme.Wepushedhertoohardbecauseofme.”
Foronce,mymomanddadweredisagreeing.Iheldmytongue,waitingtoseehowthiswouldplayout.
Dad’svoiceshookashespoke.“WhenIlosemyjob,wecan’taffordtopayforyourschoolandyoursisterschool.Wethoughtwehadtochoose.”
Angerbrewedinsideme.“Youdidchoose.Youchoseyourotherdaughter.Iwastheonewhohadtotrytograduateearly.”
Mom’stonechanged.Itwastingedwithsorrow.“Wechoosewrong.Wethinkbecauseyouwerestrongerpersonyoucouldhandlemorepressure.Youalwayshaveajob,yougotogoodschool,weneverworryaboutyou.Butnow…nowweworryaboutyouallthetimebecauseyouchangesomuchaftercollege,workingsohard,youhavejobwedon’tunderstand.”Shesighed.“Butmaybeyoudothingswedon’tknow,ordon’tlike,anddidn’tteachyou,andthisisokay.”
Myjawdropped.Forthefirsttimeever,mymomhadadmittedthatnotacceptingmylifechoiceswasathemproblem,andnotameproblem.
“Thankyouforsayingthat,”Iwhispered.
Momadded,“Webuyingyourbookandtelleveryoneatchurchtobuytoo.”
“Shegoodatselling,”mydadadded.“Shesellalotforyou.Veryproudumma.”
BeforeIcouldthankheragain,mymommuttered,“Westillmad.Youwastegoodsteak.ButIwillaskthemforcouponsoyoucanhavegraduationpresent.Maybetheywilladddiscount.”
Offeringagiftofsteakcouponsmeantthattheyweren’tashamedordisgracedafterall.ThiswasascloseasI’devergettoareconciliationofourpast.I’dneverknownmyparentstoadmittheywerewrong,orthatthey’dmadedecisionsthatresultedinadverseconsequences.Butadmittingthey’dmadeahuge,life-affectingdecisionallthoseyearsagoandacknowledgingthattheydidn’thavemyinterestsinmindatthetime,forsomereasonthatprovidedmeasenseofclosureandmyheartbecamelessheavy.Theregretinmymom’sanddad’svoicesspokevolumes,asdidtheireagernesstopushmybooksontotheirKoreanpeers.Theyweresorry.Andknowingthatwentalongway.ChapterThirty-Two
Miasquawked,“Seriously?StillnowordfromJake?Ithoughthe—”
Promised.
ItriedmybesttoappearcalmwhileIwasseethinginside.“Notevenatext,”Isaidweakly.IthadbeenmorethanfortyhourssinceI’dspokentohim.NotthatIwascounting.“Iwashopingthistimewouldbedifferent.”
Itwasn’tdifferent.
IwasdonewithJake.Weweredone.
I’dofficiallywrittenhimoutofmylife.Again.
Timetodeletehisnumber.Again.
Thanksforlettingmedown,Jake.Again.
Again,again,again.HowstupidwasIforthinkingIcouldrelyonhimthistime?
Miafrowned.“I’msosorryheghostedyou.Whatafuckingshittythingtodo.Especiallynow.”
TearsprickedthebacksofmyeyesasIdistractedmyselfwithangry-typinganop-edessay.Whilerevisingtheshortpiece,Ireceivedanemailfrommypublicist.
“TheywantmetoprepareavideostatementandhavetheO’HarasinterviewmeinaliveeventthisweeksoIcantellmysideofthestory,”ItoldMia
Sheraisedaneyebrow.“Idon’tnecessarilytrusttheO’Harafamily,doyou?ButIguessthebenefitofdoingthateventwouldbethattheycouldbringinawell-connectedaudiencefullofmediainfluencers.Plus,it’sthedevilyouknow,astheysay.”
“IcanseeaneventwiththeO’Harasgoingeitherway:itcouldbebeneficialoratotaldisaster,dependingonthecrowdandthequestionstheyask.”
Miatookherhandsoffherkeyboard.“Canyougetthequestionsaheadoftime?Didn’ttheyrequestthesamefromyou?”
Itwasworthatry.Isetupanemergencymeetingwithmyeditorandpublicistthatafternoontodiscussurgentbook-relatedmattersandrequestedthatthequestionsfromtheO’Haras’interviewbesenttomebeforehand.MiadraftedcorrespondenceforCarlthorpe’sdeanofstudentsandmanagedmyemailsfloodinginformediarequests.Accordingtoherreputationtrackingtool,mymediahitshadgoneupinsteadofplateauingorgoingdown.
Shebarkedoutalaughsoloudthatitstartledme.“Sorry,Icheckedyourfollowerandsubscribercounts.They’vedoubledinthelastday.Maybethishasn’tbeenallbad.”
Acropofpro-Lilyarticleshadappeared,whichMiahelpedpropagate,onesfocusedonmyreturntocampus,andtakingSTEM-focusedclasses,andhowtheageofundergradstudentsishigheratCarlthorpethankstomoregap-yearacceptancesandtransferstudentsfromcommunitycolleges.TheCarlthorpeCourierinterviewedvariousstudentsinmystatsandCSclasses,andforthemostpart,thearticlewaspositive.
MyphonerangasIfinishedreading.
“Jake?”Mia’seyesbeggedmeforconfirmation.
Iswallowedhard.“Ishouldhaveblockedhim.I’mgoingtoignoreit.”
Shegrabbedthephonefromme.“No.Iwantyoutotellhimoff.Tenyearsago,youtwohadimportantthingstoworkoutandheleftyouhighanddry.He’sabonafideassholefornotcallingyouback!Yellathim!Yankhisballsoff!”
Shewasright,heneededtohearthis.“Imighttryaslightlydifferentapproach,butyeah,Igetyou.”Leavingthelivingroom,Iclosedthedoortomybedroombehindmeandansweredthecall.
“Hey!I’msosorryittooksolongtogetbacktoyou,”hebreathed.
“AndI’msorryIbelievedyou’dcallmeback.It’sbeentwodays.”Myvoicewascoldandmatter-of-fact.
“Shit,pleasedon’thangup!IsaidIwassorry,andIcanexplain,”hebegged.
Istiffenedathiswords.“Ineedyoutoknowhowbadlyyouletmedown.It’snotlikeit’sthefirsttime.”
“MayIpleasetellyouwhathappened?Thenafterthat,youcanneverspeaktomeagain,butIpromiseyouitwasn’tfornothing.”
Iswallowedhard.“Fine,”Isaidflatly.Pullingthephoneawayfrommyear,Iputitonspeakerphone,justsoIcouldhovermyfingerontheendcallbutton.
Iheardhimgulp.“Damn,Idon’tevenknowwheretobegin.Ishouldhavemythoughtsmoreorganized,butIhaven’tsleptmuch.I’msorry.”Hetookadeepbreath.“Okay,whenyoucalled,Iwasmeetingwithmyacademicadvisorforthelasttime.”Jakepaused.“Mylasttime.Canyoubelieveit?”
Icouldn’treadhistone.HowwasIsupposedtoreacttothisnews?WasIsupposedtocongratulatehim?Offercondolences?Whatdidthisevenmean?
Hebarreledon,speakingmorequickly.“Hewaspreparingmefor…well…Ijustspentthelastdayandahalfdefendingmydissertation.I’mexhausted,mybrainisfried,butIcalledyouassoonasIfinishedmeetingwiththecommittee.Ihadtoholdtwoseparatesessions,withsomepeopleinperson,andagaininavirtualmeetingforafewwhowereoutsick.Ileftmyphoneinmyadvisor’sofficeandhebroughtitwithhimtothelastmeeting.I’matthreepercentbattery.”
Myentirebodyfroze,mymouthincluded.Ittookafewsecondstoregainmyspeech.“Wait,whatdidyoujustsay?”
“ThatI’matthreepercentbattery?Actually,makethattwopercent.”
“No,beforethat.Didyousaydissertation?Youmean—”Wordsscrambledinmybrain.“Areyouadoctorofcomputersciencenow?”
“Yes!Well,informally,butit’llbeofficialsoon.AndIevenworeatie…anddresspants.Canyoubelieveit?IfinishedmyPhDprogram!”
Icouldn’t.He’dworngrown-uppantsANDfinishedhisdissertation?Mybodyfloodedwithsomanyfeelings.
Happiness.Excitement.Admiration.
Thenanger.Frustration.Annoyance.
“Wait,whydidn’tyoujusttellmeyouweredoingthis?”
“YouhadaLOTonyourplate,Lily.AndIwasanemotionalmess.Don’tbemad,can’tyoubehappyformethatit’sallover?”
ButIwasmad.Madathimforkeepingthisfrommeforsolong.Iwasmadatmyselffornotknowingwhathewasuptoallthattime.Madatbothofusfornotcommunicating.Itmadesensenow,whyhe’dscaledbackhisofficehours.Whyhestoppedshowinguptoclass.AllthistimeIthoughthewasahugeflake,butallhewasdoingwasgettinghislong-overduedegree.Likeme.
“Honestly,Lily,I’mjustgladit’sdone.Andnowthatitis,Iwanttoknowwhat’sbeengoingonwithyouwhileIwasoutofcommission.Pleasetellmeeverything.Youhavemyfullattention.”Hecoaxed,“Please?Whathappened?”
Ichewedmylowerlip,weighingtheriskoflettingJakeChobackintomylife.Butsomethingwasdifferentthistimewithus.Thehollowness,resentment,andmistrustdeepinsidemychesthadallbutdisappeared.Ifeltalittleglowfromwithin,apilotlightreadyforafire.
Hope.
“Isyourcalendarclearfortheday?It’salottogoover.”
“Lily,I’mallyours.”
Ipaused.“Youmeanit?”
Icouldfeelhimgrinningthroughthephone.“Morethananythingintheworld.PleasetellmewhatIcandotohelpyou.”
“I’mgoingtoneedallthesupportIcanget,”Isaid,thenletoutasighofrelief.“Youdefinitelyneedtochargethatbattery.It’salot.”
“Ijustpluggedinthechargerandputinmyearbuds.Firewhenready.”
Igotcomfyonmybed.Itwasgoingtobealongnight.ChapterThirty-Three
Isatonawoodenbenchalongthedew-drenchedcentrallawn.Thecampuschapelbellrangsoftly,signalingitwaseightinthemorning.Icheckedmywatchforthetenthtime.Hewouldbeheresoon.
We’ddecideditwaseasiertomeetinpersonbecausehisphonereceptionwasspotty,andourtextsweretoonumerousandconfusing.Jakepickedthelocation.Forthelifeofme,Icouldn’tfigureoutwhyhechosethisspecificplaceonthewalkway.Thelasttimewewerehere,mymomhadunflinchinglydroppedthetruthbombaboutmydad’sunemployment,launchingmelikeahumancannonballstraightintoadulthood.ThenJakebrokemyheartonthisverybench.Ithoughtbackthenthatitwasthemostdifficulttimeofmylife.Butwhatwashappeningnowrivaled,maybeevensurpassed,thatexperience.Myreputationandcareerwereontheline,nottomentionthatmyownhealthhadtakenatolllately,bothphysicallyandmentally.
Iftheselifedisasterswerecyclical,likehowcicadaseasonsoccurredeveryseventeenyearsinpartsoftheUnitedStates,Iwouldneedtoplanaheadforthenextoneinmyforties.Hideinabunker,stockafullbar,andgooffthegrid.
Jakestrolleddownthepath,wearingfarfewerlayersthanheshouldhavebeen.Hebreathedhotairontohishandsandrubbedhispalmstogether.“Iforgotmygloves,”hesaidwithalopsidedsmile.“ButIdidmanagetowearactualpants.”
Inthesunlight,upclose,Icouldseehowhisboyishfeatureswerenowfirmer.Morestrikingandhandsome.Stillyouthful,butaccentedwithruggednessfromage.However,thedarkcirclesunderhiseyesandhisdeeplyhoodedeyelidssuggestedhe’dhadaboutasmuchsleepasI’dhadthelastfewnights.Energy-wiseyouwouldn’tknow—hewaswideawakeandchipper.
Hesatonthebench.“Catchmeuponthelatest,”hesaid.“Layitonme!”
SoIdid.ItoldhimabouttheO’Haras’upcomingeventwithme.Myop-edthatwouldrunintheCarlthorpeCourier.Mia’slatestcrisismanagementtactics.
HewaiteduntilI’dfinishedbeforehespoke.Hewasalwaysgoodaboutlisteningwithoutanymansplainyinterruptions.
“IwishIknewhowtohelpyou.”Helookedatmewithhiswarmbrowneyesandbithisbottomlip.“WoulditbeokayifIaskedProfessorStevensontotalkwithsomeoneatSolvtogiveyouafairshakeattheinternship?He’sgotatonofinfluencethereandcan,attheveryleast,getthemtoholdyourfinalinterviewtime.He’salsoageniusatbringingtheenergyoftheroomdownafewnotchestohelppeoplemakerationalchoices.DochasalsohelpedmethroughmymentalblocksformyPhDdissertation.”
“IfyoucouldaskDoctohelpmeout,thatwouldbemorethanIcouldhaveeverthoughttoask,”Isuggested.“Thankyou.”
Hisfacelitup.“Icanalsograntyouanextensiononanyhomeworkorclassworkassignments,Ihavethepowertodothat.”
Igiggledathissuddenjoltofenthusiasm.“I’mactuallyallcaughtuprightnow,butthanks.”
Heasked,“CanIwalkyoubacktoyourapartment?I’vebeencoopedupinsideandcoulduseawalk.Plus,I’mgettingcold.”
“Canwequicklydiscusshowwe’reinforty-degreeweather,andyou’rewearingthat?”MytonesoundedharsherthanI’dmeantittobe,buthewasinaflimsyfleecewithawaffle-knitHenleyunderneath.Butthatwasn’teventheworstpart—hehadnosockson.Justcasualslip-onshoesandjoggers.Icouldseehispastywhiteankles.
“Iseeyouleeringatmysexyanklebones,Lily.Myeyesareuphere.”
MyjawdroppedandIletoutashockedlaugh.Usingallofmywillpower,ItriedtonotstareatJake,althoughthroughmyperipheralvisionIcouldseehisbroadshouldersandchest.Hisathleticbuildwashardtomiss,especiallywhenseatedonlyafewinchesaway.
“You’reright.Iwasdisrespectingyou.Iwillnever,everdrooloveryourbonyankleseveragain.”
Hiseyessparkled,hischarmandexuberanceovertakingthetirednessonhisface.“Shallwe?”
Jakejumpedtohisfeetandheldouthishand,pullingmeupfromthebench.Wewalkeddownthecentralpathtowardthemaingate.Asweexited,Iaskedthequestionburninginthebackofmymind.“Whydidyouwanttomeethere?Notatacafé,orprettymuchanywhereelseoncampus,butyouknow,thisiswherewe…we—”
“Brokeup?”
Alumpformedinthebackofmythroat.Inodded.
“IchosethatspotbecauseIwantedtomakebrand-newmemoriesforus.InsteadofitbeingtheplaceoncampuswhereyourememberedIwasaselfish,ignorantprickwhomadepoordecisionsanddidn’ttakeintoaccountyourfeelingsorwell-being.Iwashopingyou’dseemeassomeoneelse.Someonebetter.Someoneyou’reproudofnow.”Heshovedhishandsinhispockets.“Maybenowwhenyoupassbythatbenchonthewaytoclass,you’llrememberapersonwhocaresaboutyoudeeplyandregretseverythingaboutthatdaywewentourseparateways.”
Istoppedinmytracks.
Thetemperaturehaddroppedseveraldegrees,andflurriesbegantoscatteranddriftallaround.ItwasalmostasifwewerestagingaromanticHallmarkmoviesceneandthedirectorhadcuedthesnowmachinestoturnonfullblast.Itwaspicturesqueanddreamy,amuch-neededchangefromhowmylifehadbeenspiralingoutofcontrolthelastthreedays.
Iblurted,“Ihonestlydon’tknowhowtorespond.Thankyouforsayingallofthat.”HisfacebrightenedalittlebutfellwhenIshookmyhead.“YoutookoffforSpainwhenIneededyouthemost.Iwasatmymostvulnerable,andyoudidn’tcheckuponmetoseeifIwasokay.IwentbacktoMia’splaceafterwesplitandhadafull-blownpanicattack.Idon’tknowifyouknewthat.”
Tomytherapist,I’dexplainedthatthattimeintheshowerfeltlikesomeonehadmademewearabrathreesizestoosmall,tighteningmychestandrestrictingmybreathing.Thatalonewasbadenough,butthelight-headedness,rapidlybeatingheart,andhotflasheswerealsohappeningatthesametime.ItwassomethingIneverwantedtoexperienceeveragain.
Icontinued.“Myanxietygotworse,butIsoughtoutmedicalhelpeventually.”Iloweredmyshouldersandsighed.“Mylifehadalreadybeensostressful,buttotrytograduateearlyontopofthat,whichIclearlydidn’taccomplish…Iwasawreckmylastsemester.AnditturnedoutIwentthroughallofthatfornothing.Ididn’tevenfinishaheadofschedule,Ididtheexactopposite.”
Closetotears,hescrubbedhishandonhischin.“God,I’msosorry,Lily.IwishI’dpaidmoreattention.IhatemyselfeverytimeIthinkaboutit.Forwhatit’sworth,I’mlisteningnow.AndI’mhereforyou,Imeanit.”
Relivingthatpainfultimeofmylifeandtalkingaboutitwithhimlefthalfofmybodytingling,withtheotherhalfnumb,likeI’dgottenlocalanesthesiaandtheshotwaswearingoff.“Ibottledeverythinginside…untilIfinallybroke.Itwasn’tuntilMiatookmetotheERforabdominalpainsduringexamweekthatlastsemesterthatsheknewhowbadlyIwassilentlysuffering.Ifoundoutthatanxietyandstressworsenstheulcersinmystomach,andwell,let’sjustsayI’mdeterminedtokeepaZenlifestylenowsoI’mnotbuckledoverinpainallthetime.”Istaredintohiseyesandheldaweaksmile.“ThatwasalotIjustunloadedonyou.ButIwantedtoletyouknowI’mstrongernow.”
Heswallowedhard.“IknowIdon’tdeserveit,butifyoufinditinyourhearttoforgiveme,I’ddoanythingforasecondchanceat…us.IcanneverapologizeenoughforhowIactedallthoseyearsago.ButIcanassureyouI’mnotthesameguyIwasbackthen.”Jakeavertedhiseyestolookattheground.“ThatdaywewereleavingforParisandSpain,Iwasatotalassholetoyou.MyparentshadbeenonmycaseallthroughoutcollegeabouthowIdropoutofeverything—firstpre-law,thenpremed—andthreatenedtocutmeofffinanciallyifIdidn’thavealifeplan.Ipanicked.Ididn’twantthemtoseemeabandonthestudyabroadopportunitytoo.ItwasselfishandIwastoopreoccupiedwithshowingthemIcouldstartandfinishsomethingforonceinmylife.AttheveryleastIshouldhavestayedawhile,orcalledyourightaway,butIdidn’t.”
Ibitmybottomlip.“Youweregoingthroughalottoo.I’msosorryaboutthat.Iwisheverythinghadn’tspiraledsoquickly.Theysaycollegeisthebesttimeofyourlife,butthat’snottrueforeveryone.”
Hesighedandpeeredatmethroughhisdarklashes.“Yes,butsomeofmybestcollegememoriesareoneswithyou.IspentsomanyyearsthinkingaboutwhatIwoulddoorsayifIeverranintoyouagain.HowI’dfalltomykneesandaskforyourforgiveness.TellyouthattenyearsagoImissedyousomuchmychestached.ButwhenIsawyouintheCSclassthatfirstday,myheartlodgedinsidemythroat.Icouldseethatyou’dmovedon,andyouwerethrivingwithoutme.”
Icoughed.“I’dhardlycallitthriving.”
Hiseyeslitup.“Areyoukiddingme?Allthatyou’vedone,everythingyou’veaccomplished,andyoustilldon’tseeit?You’reamazing,Lily.Youinspiredmewithyourreturntocampus.I’vemadebigchangesinmylifebecauseofyou,andI’mhopingthey’llallpanouttomakealifeinsideandoutsideacademia,alifewithyouincluded,ifyou’llallowit.Andifyou’llletme,Iwanttomakeyoumytoppriority.”
Iwavedmyhanddismissively.“Well,holdon.Let’snotforgetthatyou’restilltechnicallymyTA.ThelastthingIneedisanotherscandalrockingthecampusnow.Everythinginmylifeisbehavinglikearoaringwildfireinunpredictablewinds,noneedtofuelthatwithatornadoofTitleNinecompliancewarnings.”
Thecornerofhismouthpulledintoasmile.“Understood.Idon’twanttodistractyoufromyourworkandstudies,butIwouldlovetostartbymakingthingsrightbetweenus,evenifthetimingisn’trightatthemoment.Icanwait.”
Mybodyshivered.“Really?”
Henodded.“WhenIsawyouonthefirstdayofclass,myheartburstwideopen.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Andaswegottoknoweachotheragain,Ithought,whatweretheoddsI’dgetatwice-in-a-lifetimechancewithyou?Iwastheluckiestmanalive.”
Maybehewasjustbeingoverlysentimentalandnostalgic.“Andwhataboutyourex?Youdidn’tspendthattimeon-and-offwithherthinkingshewasyoursecondchanceattruelove?”
“Noway.Gabbywasnotagoodperson.Shewasn’tonlycrueltome,shealsoneglectedthepets.Shewouldgoonlast-minuteovernightormultidaytripswithhergirlfriendswhenIwasawayforwork,andsometimesshe’dforgettofeedSashaandBanditbeforesheleft.ShenevertookSashaoutforwalks.NotthatI’mastalker,butIhadprooffromthefront-doorcamerafootage.Ihadtogetoutofthatrelationship,fortheirsake.”
“HowcouldyouabandonSashaandBandit?”Icriedout.“Iwouldneverdothat!”
“Iknow.”Hetookastepbacktolookatmyface.Jakebroughthishandsuptomycheeks.“ItoldmyselfifIeverhadthischanceagain,Iwouldbesmartenoughtoneverletyougo.LilyLee,Iloveyou,evenmorethanIdidbackthen.Ifellforyoualloveragain,reallydamnhard.”Histhumbssliddownthecurveofmycheekbonestomyjaw
JakeChowasthefirstandlastpersontobreakmyheart.AndthatwassomethingIcouldn’tjustforget.Buttimehadpassedandwehadbothgrownandchanged.Iwantedthissecondshotasmuchashedid.
ThewordsIwantedtosayforsolongfinallycameout.“Iloveyoutoo,Jake.”
Istoodonmytiptoes,andmylipsmethis.Thelighttouchofourkisssenttinglesthroughmyentirebody.
Hegrinned.“CanIsayonemorething,andthenI’llshutup,Ipromise.Rememberallthoseyearsago,whenIaddedyoutothefavoriteslistonmyphone?”
Inodded.Becausebackthen,forJakeCho,thatwaspracticallyaweddingengagement.
Heliftedhisshouldersintoabarelyperceptibleshrug.“Ineverremovedyou.InSpain,Ireachedoutafewtimesandhopedyouwouldreturnmycalls.Butevenaftersomanyyears,knowingitwasnevergoingtohappen,Ileftyournameonthelist.Itprobablydoesn’tmakesense,butithelpedmekeepmypromisetoyouthatifyouevercalled—”
“Youwouldalwayspickup.”TearswelledinmyeyesasInodded,rememberingthatwhenhelasttookmycall,hewaswalkingintohisdissertationpresentation.
Thinkingbacktoearlierinthesemester,hehadneveraskedmeformynumber.Hehaditsavedinhisphoneallalong.
Jakegatheredmeintohisstrongarms,andthemomentourbodiesconnected,myskinprickedascurrentsofelectricityracedthroughme.“I’mstillfiguringoutalotofshitaboutmyfuture,anditmaystilltakeawhiletogetitallsortedout.ButonethingIknowfordamnsure…Iwantyouinit.”
Heclarified,“Inmyfuture.Notinmyshit.”
Ichokedoutalaugh,thenwrappedmyarmsaroundhiswaistandsqueezed.Mycheekpressedagainsthisfirm,muscularchest,andIcouldhearhisheartbeatinghardandfast.
“Webettergetgoing.”Heloosenedhisgripandshovedhisweather-chappedhandsintohisjacketpocketsagain.Ilockedmyarmintothecrookofhisarmandwecontinuedwalking.AswesteppedontothesidewalkonCenterStreet,hebentdowntounrollhisjoggercuffs.
“Don’tworry,I’mkeepinganysmuttythoughtsaboutyouranklestomyself,”Ijoked.
“Muchappreciated,”hequippedback.“Remember,lookuphere.”FormingaV,hepointedhisindexandmiddlefingersathisface.
Igazedintohiseyesandsighed.Noproblem.ChapterThirty-Four
TheO’Haraspickedthevenuethistime.TheParlorwasawinebarplusbookstorethathadrecentlyopenedontheLowerEastSide.Theatmospherewasexactlyhowyouwouldimagineasecretsociety’smeetingplacemightlook:collegiate-inspired,sortofhaunted-looking,andwhiletherewerelitcandlesinactualcandelabrasthroughoutthevenue,itwashardtoseeforthatveryreason.Therewereoverstuffedleatherchairsarrangedaroundafireplacewherepatronscouldgrabadrink,buyabook,andreaditbythecracklingfire.
Thehostessledustoabackareathatastoundedmewithitsvastsize.Sheexplained,“Wejustopenedthisareaupforeventsandyou’reourinauguralguests.Gigglescomedyclubbehindusclosedlastyearandweconnectedthebuildingsandconvertedthespace.”
“Giggles?”Iasked.“Ithoughtthatwasastripclub.Wasn’titcalledJiggles?”
Shelaughed.“Wow,yourememberthat?Yes,beforeGiggleswasJiggles.Needlesstosay,ourownerdidn’twanttocontinuewiththerhymingnames.”
Aswecontinuedwalking,thatwasallIcouldthinkabout.
Wiggles.
Squiggles?
Wriggles.
Pickles?
Sheinterruptedmytrainofthought.“I’lltakeyoutothegreenroom,whichisactuallyjustourstorageroom,butwithsnacks.”
Wepassedthroughthemainroom,wheretheeventwouldbeheld.Severalrowsofseatswerealreadyclaimedbyearlyarrivals,andthreechairswithaccompanyingmicrophonestandshadbeenarrangedonthestageinfront.MiaandJakehadjustarrived,carryingseveralplasticgrocerybagsintheirhands,fussingaroundthetablesintheback.Iwavedhello,buttheyweresopreoccupiedthattheydidn’tnotice.
Itwasmorecomicalthananything.Thanksforblowingmeoffatmyownevent,MiaandJake!
Thegreenroom,akastoragearea,waslinedwithboxesofbooks.AfewwereopenedandIcouldseecopiesofmytitleaswellastheO’Haras’newreleaseinsomeofthem.
Aftersettlingonabluevelvetyplushchairasmyrestingplace,IusedtheextratimetolookoverthelatestnotesI’djotteddowninMia’sapartment.AwaveofnauseahitmeasIflippedthroughthepages,andashortboutofstomachpainjoltedmeupright.Itwasn’tlikelyhungerorlowbloodsugar,sinceIhadeatenabiglunchandhadanappleandahandfulofnutsandcrackersjustbeforeleavingMia’sapartment.Morelikely,itwasanxietymanifestingagain,butIateapieceofagranolabarfrommypursejustincase.Wipingthecrumbsfrommyblousetothefloor,IlookedaroundtomakesurenoonesawthemessI’dcreated.
Tenminutespriortothestartoftheevent,IreceivedatextfromMia.I’mhereinthefrontrowwithJake.IfyouneedmetoaskthefirstQintheQ&A,shootmealook
Whatlook
IDK…likesomeonejusttookthelastgooddoughnutintheboxlook
What???
Likeyoubitintoacookiethinkingitwaschocolatechipanditwasoatmealraisin
Cameroncameburstingintothegreenroomandscannedtheareaforsomewheretosit.Hegrumbled,“Whyaretherenonormalchairsinhere?I’vebeenonmyfeetalldaypresentingtoinvestors,allIwantistorestmywearyfeetandtogetthiseventoverwith.”
Inaformalandrestrainedtone,Isaidhellotohim.Hedidn’tgreetmeback.
Cameron’ssisterlaggedafewstepsbehind,soIwavedather.TheniceO’Hara.
“Hi,Mary,”Iofferedwithgenuineenthusiasm.
Cameronstompedaroundtheperimeter,offeringunsolicitedcommentaryonalltheunshelvedstacksofbooks.“Cozymystery?Historicalromance?Areyoukiddingme?Wherearealltherealbooks?Thebusinesshardcovers?”
Hecamefullcirclebacktohisoriginalspot.“Ihopeit’sokayifIgounscripted.Marycanaskthepreparedquestions.”
Sheshothimalook.“Wait,Cam,weagreedonthewayherethatwe’dalternatequestions.”
“Andwewill—youcanaskthescriptedones,andI’llaskwhateverIwant.Andwe’llalternate.”Hescoffedagainandcrossedhisarms.“I’msureshe’sgreatatthinkingonherfeet.Right,Lily?”
Marypleaded,“But,Cam.That’snotcool—”
Thedoorswungopen.“Everyone’sseated.It’stimetogetstartedandwe’rerightontime.Themicsareliveandwe’vedoneasoundcheck,soyoushouldbeallset.Gohavefun!”
AwidegrinspreadacrossCam’ssmugface.“Yes,let’sgohavesomefun.”
***
THELASTTIMEI’dseenanAsiancrowdthisbigwasatmysister’swedding.
IraisedaneyebrowatMiawhiletheeventsmanagerreadourauthorbios.Shelookedaroundtheroomandmouthedback,“Asianinvasion!”Sippingfrommycupofwaterhidmyapprovingsmile.
Therewasawidedemographicrepresentationintheaudienceversusourlastevent.Miahaddoneagreatjobmakingsurethecrowdwasn’tstackedwithonlyO’Haraclones.Someofthesefriendly,eagerfaceslookedfamiliartoo,butIcouldn’tplacethem.
Marygrabbedhermicandfacedtheaudience.“It’sgreatseeingeveryonethisevening,thanksfortakingtimetocomehere.”Turningtome,shesaid,“Well,alothaschangedsincethelasttimewesaweachother.WhenCamheardhowthepresshadcreatedsuchahoopla,hethoughtitwouldbeagoodideatohaveaforumtochatopenlyaboutwhat’sbeengoingonwithyouthelastfewmonths.Sothankyou,Cam,forbeingtheinitiator.”
Yes,thankyou,Cameron.Let’sseewhatyouhaveupyoursleevetonight.
Ileanedforwardandspokeclearly.“Iappreciatetheopportunityandlookforwardtoyourquestions,aswellasthosefromtheaudience.”
“Solet’sgetstarted.”Marystraightenedthepapersonherlap.“Myfirstquestionissimple.HowdidyouendupbackatschoolatCarlthorpe?”
“Ireallymissedthedininghallfood,”Ijoked.Itgotafewchucklesfromtheaudience.“Buttruthfully,it’salongstory.Whathappenedtome—”
“Whathappenedwasyoudidn’tfinishyourdegree,whichtechnicallymakesyouacollegedropout,”Camblurtedintohismic.
“Isthereaquestioninthatjudgmentalstatement?”Iasked,mytonelightbutfirm.
Herubbedhisnosewiththebackofhishand.“Funny.Okaythen,here’saquestion.WhydoyouhaveCarlthorpelistedundereducationinyourLinkedInprofile?Isn’tthatmisleading?Whenwehadourlauncheventwithyou,weincludedyouundertheassumptionthatwewerehavinganeventwithapeer.Someonewhowasourequal.Andwhatyou’redoinghereisfraudulent!”
Iwasn’tgoingtoletCamsteerthisnarrative.I’dalreadyhadenough.“I’dliketoaddresswhatyou’vebothsaidandinsinuated,whichisactuallyalot.Ifyouwanttoknowwhathappenedtenyearsago,itwasamiscalculation—”
“Lies.Morelies.”Camtappedhismicheadintothepalmofhishand.Thethump-thump-thumpofhisfleshyfingersonthemicrophoneinterferedwithmythoughts.
Marygrowled,“Cam,canyoupleaselethertalkwithoutyourinterruptingandmansplaining!”
Thethumpingsuddenlystopped,soIjumpedbackin.“Thankyou,Mary.Beingshortoncollegecreditsandstillgettingadiplomahappensmoreoftenthanyourealize.Quiteanumberofpeoplehavewrittenmetoletmeknowtheyhadsimilarstoriestomine.Theylosttheirdiplomaandtriedtoorderareplacement,onlytofindouttheydidn’tfullyearntheirdegree,resultingintheirreturningtocampusyearslatertofulfilltherequirements.It’samazingthatinthisdayandage,studentscanstillfallthroughthecracks.Believeitornot,sometrollsonlinehaveclaimedthatImadeallofthisuptoseekattention,sayingitwasacheapploytosellbooks,andthatit’stoofar-fetchedanddoesn’tactuallyhappentopeople.Butthey’rewrong.LikeIwouldgothroughallofthisonpurpose?”
Thecrowdnoddedalongandhungonmywords.SomethingshiftedinCam,hisdemeanorharsherthanbefore.“Let’smoveonthenandtalkaboutSolvTechnologiesinstead.”Cam’smouthcurledintoafakesmilefortheaudience.“ItwassonicetoseeyouintheSolvlobby.I’dloveforyoutosharewhatyouweredoingtherewhenweserendipitouslyranintoeachother.Iwasundertheimpressionthatyouwereinterviewingforahigh-levelpositionreportingdirectlytotheCEO.Oh,butIwassorelymistaken.”HebellylaughedsohardIthoughthemightchokeonhisownwords.“Youwerethereforaninterviewallright,andsourcesatSpottedinTheBigApplesayitwasforaninternship.ANINTERNSHIP.I’dloveforyoutoexplain.I’llevenhandmymictoMary,soIcan’tinterject.”Hepassedthemicrophonetohissister,andsheyankeditsofastfromhishanditmadeafwwwwp!sound.
TherehadbeennoquestioninmymindthattheSolvinterviewwouldcomeup,andalthoughIwaspreparedforit,seeingahundredorsopeopleintheaudienceintentlystaringatmesentchillsdownmyspine.MyhandquiveredasIpulledthemicoffthestand.“Yes,youarecorrect.Iwasinterviewingforaninternshipatoneofthebesttechcompaniesinthecountry.Iwastheonlynon-malefinalcandidatefortheircompetitiveinternship.”
Manyoftheaudiencemembersweretakingcopiousnotes.Reportersmaybe?Bloggers?Whoevertheywere,theyweredoingagreatjobatshowingimpartialitybecausetheirstonelike,seriousfacesleftmeinapanic.Ivisuallyscouredtheroomforaquickexit.
“Whywereyouapplyingforaninternshipwhenyouhadsuchadifferentandpromisingcareertrajectory?”Maryasked,withnoillintentioninhervoice
Iofferedanappreciativesmile.“Forweeks,Ikeptaskingmyselfwhytoo.WhydidIbother?WhyshouldIexplorethisifI’vealreadyinvestedsomanyyearsinsomethingelse?Whydoesitmatter?ButthenIrealizedIwasframingthequestionwrong.WhatIneededtoaskwas,‘Whynot?’Whynotgoforajoblikethis?Ofcourse,Ihadsomanydoubtsaboutevenapplying.Butletmebackupalittle.WhenIrecentlyfoundoutIwasafewcreditsshortfromgettingmycollegedegree,IthoughtIhadeverythingtolosebymakingthisknowledgepublic.SoIkeptitquiet,andhopedthatafterafewmonthsoffthegrid,Icouldcomebackandlifewouldgoonasbefore.Butitdidn’tturnoutthatway.Itookclassesthatweren’tavailabletomewhenIwasincollegeandhavelearnedsomuch.Bygoingbacktoschool,studyingsomethingnewtome,IhadarareopportunitytoapplyforaninternshipatSolvbecauseIhadoneofthetopgradesinmycomputerscienceclass.Evenwithgoodgrades,Istillhaddoubtsaboutmyabilities.IthoughtIwastoooldtoswitchcareers.Ishotmyselfdownwithoutevengivingmyselfthebenefitofthedoubt.ButthenIgottothefinalroundofinterviews,anditbecameclearthattheonlythinggettinginmywaywasme.SowhywouldInottrymybesttogetajobatadreamcompany,andseeifit’sagoodfit?”
ItookaswigofwaterandlookedatCam.“ThehardestinterviewI’veeverhad.ButIgotacallbackforatechnicalprogrammanagementinternshiprole.”
Cammumbled,“Lucky,Iguess,”justloudenoughformetohearbecausehenolongerhadamic,buttherewasjustenoughofaquestioningtoneinittomakemylipstugintoasmile.
Iaddressedhiscommentanyway.“Well,everyone,Camherethinksit’sluck,andIusedtothinkitwaslucktoo.Butitwasn’tjustthat.I’vebeendoingalotofself-reflectionaboutwhatpeoplethesedayscallimpostersyndrome,whichistheoppositeofwhatCammightbemorefamiliarwith,atermIcoineduniquelyforhim,‘antagonistsuperioritysyndrome.’It’swheresomeonemediocrebymoststandardsthinkstoohighlyofthemselveswithoutcauseormerit.ItcanbeshortenedtoA.S.S.”ThecrowdtitteredwithlaughterwhileCamscoffedandcrossedhisarms.
“Itwasfortyyearsagothatimposterphenomenonwasfirststudied,atatimewhenmorewomenwereequalizingtheworkforceandfindingtenureinacademia.Theresearchersstudyingimposterphenomenonnotedthatself-doubt,especiallyinwomen,startsearly.Forme,itwasasearlyashighschool.”IglancedoveratMia.Sheformedaheartintheairwithherbentindexfingersandthumbs.“Theresearchasksthequestion,‘Howdoweundotheritualofpredictingourownfailuresandinsteadfocusourenergyonoursuccesses?’andtruly,Iwishwecouldallmoveinthatdirection,butit’smorethanthat.Howdoweundosystemicbiasandracismsothatmarginalizedpeoplecanbeonequalfooting?Maybeit’slessabouttheindividualandmoreaboutworkplaceenvironmentsbeinghostileandunwelcomingandneedingaculturaloverhaul.”
Theaudienceclapped.Aladyinthebackyelled,“Amen,sister!”
Ismiledatthatcomment.“I’velearnedalotaboutmyselfmysecondtimeatCarlthorpe.Thatbeingconfidentandbelievinginmyselfisabsolutelynecessarytoachievemyfullpotential.Withoutdoingthat,inmyownmind,Icannevertrulybeenough.”IlookedovertoJake,whosentwarmpricksofheatthroughmewithhiscoysmile.“TherehavebeentimesIwastooscaredtotrytogetwhatIwanted,outoffearthatIcouldn’thaveitordidn’tdeserveit.ButI’mtakingmorerisksnow,eventryingthingsasecondtime,andseeingwhathappens.”
Asilencefellovertheroom.MarydroppedCam’smicbymyfoot.Shemuttered,“I’msorry,Iwasjustshockedbyhowitsoundedlikeyouwereinmyhead,Lily.”
AhumofchatterintheaudienceswelledsoloudthatIhadtotapmymictogettheattentionbacktotheconversationonthestage.
Maryaskedtheaudience,“Howmanyofyoucanrelate?”Everysinglehandshotintheair.
Well,exceptCam’sofcourse.
“Ihopethatbyopeningupdialogueabouttheworkplace,andwithwritingbookslikemine,Icanhelpinsomeway.Tohelpothersfeelseenandlessalone.”
Iblushedastheaudienceclappedagain.Moreamen,sistersthistimetoo.“Relatedtothis,I’mexcitedtosharesomenewbooknewswithyou.”IglancedoveratthejuniorpublicistfromOlympusPress,whogavemeathumbs-uptocontinue.
“Mynextbookisn’tgoingtobelikemypreviousone.Itwillbeamemoiraboutmypresent-dayjourney,lettingyouinonmyownday-to-daystruggleswithanxietyandthechallengesIfaceatwork.I’llsharemycareerexplorationwithyou,includingkeyfindingsandlearningsdiscoveredduringtheinterviewprocessandonthejob,soyoucanseesomeofmyfailuresaswellasmysuccesses.Ialsowanttoincorporatemypersonalexperienceswiththerapy,journalingideas,andmindfulnessexercises.Myeditors,AmandaandKatherine,havebeenbrainstormingandcraftingchapterideaswithme,andnoneofthiswouldbepossiblewithoutthem.TheworkingtitleofthebookisTypeAMinus,andthemaintakeawayishownooneisbornanexpert.”
Ahandinthebackshotintheair.“Canwepreorderthatnow?”
“Yes,youcan!Thisismyofficialbookannouncement,andit’sonmypublisher’swebsiteasofanhourago.Andthisindiebookstorewillhavesignedcopiesonreleaseday.”
Justwhenthingswereendingwellandwrappingup,Camerongrabbedhismicoffthefloor.“Beforeweleave,Iwanttoofferanopinion,ratherthanaquestion.Ifinditdisgracefulthatyouhadthiscareerrusegoingfortenwholeyearsbeforethatnewstipfinallyexposedyouforthefraudthatyouare.Ihopeyourreadersfindoutyou’reacollegedropout.Again,there’snoquestionthere,it’sjustmypersonalthoughts.”
Ibitmylip.ThiswastheothertopicIknewCameronwouldbringuptoday.Itwentwithoutsayingthatthiswasnotontheapprovedlistofquestions,likeallhisotherrudeoutbursts.
Lookingdirectlyathim,Isaid,“IdofeelbadaboutthatandIhaveapologizedpublicly.Ihonestlydidn’tknowIdidn’tcompletemyBAdegree,andIhaven’tloggedintoLinkedIninyears,soIhaven’tupdatedmybioinalongtime.I’llfixthatrightaway.ThereisonethingI’dliketopointoutthoughthathasn’tbeendiscussedyet,butnowisasgoodatimeasany.ThePRjobItookstraightoutofcollegedidn’trequireaBAorBSdegree.Theyacceptedworkexperienceinlieuofthat,whichIhadbecauseofmyvariousjobsincollege.Soifyouthinkaboutit,it’sprettyamazingIgotasfarasIdid,byusingyourownwords,onlybeingacollegedropout.AndI’mproudofmyselfforgoingbacktoschooltogetmycollegedegree.Itwasn’taneasydecisiontomakeformanyreasons,butI’mgladIdidit.Noteveryonewouldhavethegutstogobacktocollegetenyearslaterwithnofamilysupportandnofinancialsafetynet.Couldyou?”
Cameron’smicrolledoffhislapandhitthefloor.Idon’tthinkhemeanttodropit,butithappened.
Theeventsmanagerwalkeduptheaislefromthebackoftheroom.“Wow,okay,let’sendwiththat.Doesanyonehaveanyfinalquestions?”
Nearlyhalfoftheaudienceshothandsintheair.Thiswasgoingtobealongnight.Butforthefirsttimeinwhatseemedlikeages,purereliefradiatedthroughmywholebody
Jake,Mia,andBethwerewaitingformebytheParlorbarwhentheeventended.TearsfilledmyeyesasIhuggedeachofthem.
“Youreallyinspiredeveryone,I’minaweofyou,”Jakesaid.“Weshouldcelebrate!Ihavesomeofmyownnewstocelebratetoo,butI’lltellyoulater.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“AndIcan’twaittohearaboutit.”
IturnedtoMia.“Okay,soexplaintomewhythereweresomanypress-typepeopleintheaudienceand,separately,whytheroomwaspackedwithsomanyAsianbrothersandsisters.”
Mialaughed.“Thepressweretherebecauseit’sajuicystory.Popularnonfictioncareerauthorgetsbustedfornotevenhavingacollegedegree?C’mon.Buthowyouspunitattheend,sayingyoudidallthatwithoutacollegedegreeandaskingCamifhe’dhavethegutstodoit?Genius!Ihaveafewmoreinterviewslinedupforyounextweektoo.AsforalltheAsians,IsentanemailtotheCarlthorpeASAalumnilist.Somanypeopleshowedup!Ialsosaidthere’dbefreefood,whichwasallsuppliedbyBeth.Andfreebooks,whichweresuppliedbyyourpublisher.”
Bethchimedin,“Miahadanideatomakeanassortmentofgourmetinspirationalfortunecookies,withquotesfromfemalethoughtleadersandpioneersfromallaroundtheworld.PeoplearescanningmyfortuneQRcodesandputtinginordersforyourbook!I’vegottenafewcorporateorderrequestsfromthistoo.”
“Youareamazing,Mia.Andyoutoo,Beth.IvolunteerforkitchendutywhenIgethome.”
IlookedatJake.“Andthenthere’sthematterofyourgoodnews.”Ireachedforhishandandsqueezed.
“Wait!”Miablurted.“Howaboutweallheadbacktomyplaceandyoucansharethegoodnewsthere?Bethcanhelpmeloadupmycarwiththeextracookiesandbooksleftoverfromtheevent.Youtwogoahead,we’llcatchup.Youhavemykey,right?”
Inodded.“Okay,Ihopeyouhavechampagneorsomethingatyourapartment;ifnotwecanpicksomeupontheway.”
Shesmirked.“Myapartmentisfullystocked,sononeedtoworryaboutthat.Seeyoulater.”
ThecoldairwhippedhardasJakeandIwalkedquicklytoMia’sapartment.Myteethchatteredandmycheeksgrewnumb,butIhadn’tfeltthisaliveinmonths.Jakeofferedmehisthickstripedscarf,whichIgratefullyaccepted.Itwasnice,beingenvelopedbyhisuniquelyclean,woodsyscentaroundmyneck,butIwouldhaveratherhadhisarmsgatheredaroundmybody,holdingmeclosetohim.
Ifumbledwiththebuildingkeys,andafterafewattempts,wemadeitinside.Heheldthedoortotheelevatoropen;I’dnevernoticedhowsmallitwasuntilwebothsteppedinsideandhisbackpackalonetookupmostofthespace
“Jesus,whatdoyouhaveinthere?”Ituggedononeofhisshoulderstraps.
“Iboughtsomebooksbeforetheevent.AndI’vealsostartedscrapbooking.”Heshotmeawrysmileandwriggledhisbackside.
BeforeIcouldaskifhewasjokingornot,thericketyelevatorlurched,thenascendedatthespeedofmecrawlingupfiveflightsofstairs.MyshoulderpressedintoJake’sarmbecauseofthelimitedspace.
“Cozy,”hewhisperedinmyear.Iturnedmybodytofacehim.
“Very,”Iagreed.“Thisdeathtrapisalwaysoutoforder.NowthatI’vebeenonit,I’mnotsurprised.”
Theelevatorapproachedtheapartmentfloor.Oncewegotthedooropen,thearomaofBeth’scookieswelcomedusintheentryway.ThelightsweredimbutIknewthelayoutsowellIdidn’tneedtofumblewiththeoverheadlightsorlampswitchestomakemywayinside.
Onthecoffeetable,Miahadnotonlylaidoutaplateofcuredmeat,hardcheese,andolives,butshealsohadcreatedadessertcharcuterieboard,withanassortmentofchocolates,cookies,brownies,andfruit.
Jakediscoveredsomethingbestdescribedasavodkashotcharcuterieboardonthediningtable.Twoflightsofspiritsintinyglassesinanassortmentofcolors.Withadrenalinestillcoursingthroughmybodyaftertheevent,Iraisedaglass.“Bottomsup!”
Jakegrinned.“Downthehatch!”
Weate,drank,andlaughedforfifteenminutesbeforeIreceivedatextfromMia.
Oops,sorry,notgoingtomakeithometonight.HavefunwithDr.Jake!
Iplunkeddownonthecouchandmaderoom.“Ithinkwe’vebeenstoodup.”
Hesatnexttomeandreadthetext.“Orwe’vebeensetup.”
Bythistime,thevodkahadkickedinandwarmthspreadtomyentirebody.Isaid,“I’msorryI’mtheonlyaudienceforyourbignews,butIpromiseI’llcheerextraloud.”Iputmydrinkdownandofferedhimmyfullattention
Hiseyestwinkled.“Ready?I’mleavingCarlthorpe!”
“What?”Iblinkedrapidly.“Howisthatgood?”
Jakelaughed.“IgotofficialwordthatIgraduated!Youinspiredmetobelieveinmyself,isthatcorny?Itreallyfueledmetoworktowardmygoaloffinishingmygraduatedegreeandmovingon.AndIdid!”
Igrinned.“Okay,butspeakingfrompersonalexperience,areyouSUREyouhavethecreditstograduate?”
Afterafitoflaughter,hesaid,“I’mpositive,buthonestly,becauseofwhathappenedtoyou,Iconfirmeditwiththeregistrar.Iaskedforaprintout.”
Jakeloweredhiseyes.“IwasinvitedtostayasapostdoctoralresearchassistantandTAthroughtheendofthesemester,butIdeclined.Wanttoknowwhy?”
Ishudderedashisbreathingbecameheavier.
Heliftedhishandtobrushmycheek.“IdiditsoIwouldn’thavetobeyourTAanymore.”
“WasitreallythatbadbeingmyTA?”IplacedmyhandonwhatIthoughtwashislowerchest,butIhitasolidsetofabs.Damn,Jake.
Hislipscurvedintoaplayfulsmile.“BeingyourTAwasdefinitelyaconflictofinterest.Fortworeasons.One,Ididn’twanttojeopardizeyourchancesatgettingtheinternshipatSolv.Ifpeopleknewweusedtodate,theremightbeclaimsoffavoritism.”
Isighed.“True.Andthesecond?”
“Well,I’mdefinitelyinterestedinsomeoneintheclass.She’saboutyourheight.”
Ideflected.“Myheight?RightnowI’mmaybethreefeettallsittingdown.”
“Well,yourheightwhenyou’restanding,”heclarified.“Shealsohaswinteraccessorythieveryissues,butwe’reworkingonit.”
Jaketuggedonmyscarf.Hisscarf.
Heleanedforwardtoloosenit.
“Hey,youletmeborrowthat.”Iwhisperedinhisear,“Butfine,I’llgiveitback,Dr.Cho.Hey,thatsoundsprettysexy.”
Hiseyesfilledwithmischief.“Youwanttohearsomethingreallysexy?Andnerdy?”
Myheartpoundedinsidemychest.Inodded.
Heleanedinandwhisperedintomyear,“You’llalwayshavethehighestpriorityinmyqueue.Youalwayscomefirst.”
Igulped.“So…areyousayingyou’llshowmeyoursourcecode?”
Jakelaughedandtippedmychin,rubbingupanddownwithhisthumb.“Yes.WoulditbeokayifIkissedyou?”
“HowaboutIhelp?”Ourbodiesinstinctivelydrewtogetherlikenorth-southmagnets.Ireachedforthebackofhisneck,andmyheartpoundedasheleaneddownandhislipsmetmine.Itwasawell-acquaintedkissthatsentashiverdowntomytoes.
Mymouthpartedashislipsdescendedonmineagainwithmorelongingandaching,thistimeinvitingadeeper,intense,intimateclosenessbetweenus.Weweredifferentpeoplenow,andthenextkissprovedit.Thesweetness,timidness,andcarefulnessofouryouthweregone.Hekissedmewithanintensehunger,likehe’dbeenwaitingforeverandthiswashisonlyshotintheworld.
“I’vewantedtodothatforsolong,”hebreathed.“Ihavemoregoodnews.I’llbeteachingatColumbiainthefall,soI’llbeinthecity,andwecandothisanytimeyouwant.”
Iunraveledhisscarf,andlikealasso,wrappeditaroundhiswrists.
“Ilikewherethisisgoing,”hesaid.
ImotionedforhimtofollowmetoMia’sbedroom.Shewouldn’tmind.Infact,shewantedthistohappen.
Thebedwasmade,therewereLEDtealightcandlesonherwindowsills,andJanetJackson’s“That’stheWayLoveGoes,”wasplayingonherBluetoothspeakers.
Ipushedhimontothebed.“Waitthere.Onesecond.”
Miawouldn’tbehomeanytimesoon,butjustincase,Ilockedthedoor.ChapterThirty-Five
IendedthesemesterwithallAs.Theonlythingleftbetweenmeandmydiplomawastheswimtest.
Thatgoddamnedswimtest.
Itwasnowornever.Doordie.Sinkorswim.
Literally.
Thetestproctorexplained,“WhenIblowthewhistle,youcangoatyourownpace.Remember,noholdingontothewalls,andnoflotationdevices.Someofourengineersliketotestthelimitationsoftherules,sothisyearwe’vealsoadded‘noridingonanyone’sbacks,’and‘nomotorsofanykind.’Anyquestions?”
Noquestions.IknewwhatIhadtodo.
AsIcheckedouttheothercalmandcollectedseniorsinmyswimlane,thequeasinessinmystomachturnedtofull-blownnausea.Iglancedatthepoolentranceandtheemergencyexit.Remember,Lily,thisisn’tarace,you’rejusttryingtopass.Andalsotonotdrown.
Theshriekofthewhistlestartledme,butwhatreallymadeeverythingsomuchmoreunpleasantwasallthesplashingthatimmediatelyensued.Theotherstudentshadnoregardforpersonalspace,dousingmeinwaterwithalltheiraggressive,propeller-likekicking.
Iclungtothewall.Myfingerswouldn’tuncurl.Iwasfrozeninplace,tooscaredtomakeamove.
“Okay,Lily,nomoresecond-guessingyourself.It’sjustlikewepracticed.Let’sgogogo!”Bethappearedabovemewithamegaphonehangingbyherside.
Sheclickedabuttonandspokeintoit,pointingthespeakerdownatmyhead.“SorryI’mlate.Thebatteryranoutandthelineatthedrugstorewasridiculous.Ittakesanine-volt,soannoying.Anyway,I’mhere.Andyousaidnowhistle.Youready?”
Inodded.
“Aswepracticed,Lily!Letgoin…three,two,one!”
Ipushedoffthewallandglidedonmyback,andIcouldhearthemuffledsoundofBetharguingwiththeswimtestproctor.Desperatetohearmore,IstayedfloatingonmybackaslongasIcouldbeforekickingandcirclingmyarmstopreventmefromsinking.
Bethshoutedintohermegaphone,“Sorry,Coach,let’sreadtheswimtestrequirementsthen,Ihavethemprintedfromthewebsite.There’sabsolutelynothingintherulesthatsaysshecan’tdotheelementarybackstroke.”
Muffled,mutedmumbling.Morearguing.ThenIheardBeth’svoice.
“It’samodifiedelementarybackstroke.Andit’smostlyfloatinganddrifting,buttherulesstateshejustneedstorefrainfromholdingtheedgesofthepoolortheropes.”Pause.“Allyousaidwasshecan’tuseflotationdevicesorbeonanyone’sback.”
Mumbling.
Myhandscratchedagainsttheconcretewall.I’dmadeittotheotherside
Iturnedaroundandfloat-driftedtheotherway,carefullyavoidingholdingontoanything.
Moremegaphoneshouting.“Sorry,Coach,Ihavemywholedayclearedforthis.There’snotimelimit,Itriple-checked,solookslikeit’sjustusthreehereuntilwhenevershefinishes.”
Circle.Kick.Circle.Kick.Iwasdonewiththesecondlap.
Onemoretogo.
Imovedfasterthaneverbefore,knowingIwaspastthehalfwaypoint.Allofthiswassoembarrassing,especiallyknowingBethandtheproctorwerewatchingmeandarguingaboutmyunconventionalapproachtotheswimtest.TheonegoodthingaboutgettingoutofthewaterlastwasthatnooneotherthanBethandtheproctorcouldseemebarelyfinish.
PoolsidecheersfromafewnewvoicesconfusedmeasIkickedmywaydownthelane.IbrieflyturnedmyheadtowardBethandsawPJ,Grace,andEthan.
“Youcandoit!”
“Halfalapleft!”
“Let’sgoooo,Lily,let’sgo!”ItwasJake’svoiceonthemegaphone.Iglancedoverandtherehewas,nexttoBeth,grinningatmewithtousledhairandsleepyeyes.Itlookedlikehe’djustwokenupandcomehereinahurry.Justformylapsofshame.
Theblueflagslinedabovemyheadmeantonething.AfewkicksmoreandI’dbedone.
AnddonemeantIwouldgraduate.
Myhandscrapedtheendoftheconcretepool,andyes,therewassomeblood.Itwasn’texactlyanelegantwaytoend,needingNeosporinandabandage,butyouknowwhat?IdidwhatIneededtodo.
WhenIpulledmyselfoutofthepool,Bethwasreadyformewithmyterry-clothrobe,likethatRockyBalboacoachinCreed.“Congratulations,Roomie!”
Throughheavingbreaths,Imanagedtosay,“Wedidit!”
Shelaughedandhelpedmepulltherobeovermyshoulders.“Youdidit,Lily.”
Idid.
Ididit.
“Thanks,Coach,”Isaid.
Myfriendsgatheredaroundtohugme.“I’mdrippingalloveryou,”Iapologized.“Thankyouforcoming.Pleasemakesureyoudeleteallvideoandphotographicevidenceofthisembarrassingevent.”
Ethanasked,“Didyougettheinternship?Ijustgottheemail!”
IshiveredasIpulledoutmyphonefrommygymbag.“Ohwow!Yes!Holyshit…I’mgoingtoworkatSolv!”
Welaughedandhugged,thenEthan,Grace,andPJagreedtomeetupwithmeforacelebrationdinnerlaterthatevening.TheyheadedoutforbrunchatanewAsianfusioncaféandwavedgoodbyetome.
Jakepulledmeintohimandheldmetight.“Youwereawesome,”hewhisperedintomyear.“Congratulationstomyfavoriteintern!”
BethaskedJake,“Mindtakingherback?Shemightwantashower.”
Inoddedandleanedmyheadagainsthischest.“I’mdyingtogohome.”Ashowersoundedgood.AhotshowerwithJakesoundedevenbetter.
Headingbacktohiscar,Isaid,“Thankyouforshowinguptoday.Iwasn’texpectingyou,butitreallymeantalottome.”
Jakestoppedwalkingandturnedtome.Placinghisstrong,warmhandsonmyshoulders,helookedintomyeyes.“Iwillalwaysshowupforyou.”Heranhisfingersdownthelengthofmyarms,thenkissedmegentlyonthelips.Thentomysurprise,hegrabbedmyhandsandkissedeachofthem,eventhescratchedandbloody-knuckledone.“Mmm.Chlorine.Blood.Verysexy.Verywet.”
Ilaughed.“So,myplace?”Isuggestedashepulledmeclosertohisbody
Iknewwhathehadonhismindandbeathimtothepunch.“Wannatakemehomeandgetmeoutofthesewetclothes?”
Jaketuggedonthebelttieofmyrobe.“Ican’twait,”hemurmured.ChapterThirty-Six
Myparentsshowedupatmyapartmentthedayofgraduationwithaboxoforanges,aHallmarkcard,andmyoldcommencementgownfromtenyearsago.
Ihadn’tinvitedthem.Ididn’tthinkthey’dwanttocome.
“Whydidn’tyoutelluswhichdayisyourbigday?Weaskyoursister.Saratellusyougraduatetoday.”Ummacluckedhertongueandlookedatmydadasiftosay,“Youngestdaughter.She’llneverlearn.”
AsannoyingasitwasthattheyshowedupunannouncedwithaheavyboxofcitrusfromCostco,Icouldseeitwastheirownwayofshowingtheirlove.
Mymomanddadmarveledatthefarmdecor.I’dgottensousedtoitthatIhadforgottenwhatmyinitialreactionhadbeen.TheyheldhandsandsaidaprayerinKorean,blessingmyhome.Aftertakingofftheirshoes,mymomanddadwanderedaround,examiningeachroom.
Dadfellintothereclinerandleanedback,thenflippedontheTV.
“Justmakeyourselfathome,Appa,”Ijoked.
Hemuttered,“Yoursisterkids,theyaretoomuchwork.Wearetiredgrandparents.Weneedabreak.”
Mymomnoddedvigorously.“Theyaskingsomuch.‘Helpme,Halmoni!’Cryallthetime.Pickyeating.”Sheshookherhead.“Makeusrealizehoweasyyouwere.Yoursistertoo.”
Hadthey…softenedbybecominggrandparents?Ithadneveroccurredtomethattheycouldchangeatall.Evenso,theyalwaysmanagedtocausesomedegreeofdrama,andonthisgraduationmorning,thatwasthelastthingIwanted.
“Idon’thavegraduationticketsforyou,I’msorry.Iwasn’texpectinganyoneotherthanMiaand—”Shit,theydidn’tknowaboutJake.
“AndGod.”Goodone,Lily.
“Godiseverywhere,”Momagreed.
Iwipedmybrowwiththebackofmyhand.“Indeed,Heis,”Isaid.
Dadsaid,“WetelleveryoneyouworkingatSolvnow.That’sgoodcompany.”
I’dstartedmyjobatSolvvirtually,withthegoaloftransitioningtotheNYCofficeatthestartofsummer,andthathadtemporarilyputmeinmyparents’goodgraces.Butthatwasjustit…itwasonlytemporary.IknewtonotlettheiropinionsdictatewhoIwas,notanymore.Ihadthoughttheirlovewaswhatwasmostimportant.Itwasawell-meaninglove,buttoocallouslybrutalandunhealthytobecomefixatedon.Itwasn’ttheonlytypeofloveintheworld.
Self-lovewaswhatIneededmost.AndIhadthatnow.
Iextendedanolivebranch.“Maybewecangrabalatelunchaftergraduation,ortomorrow.Youcanbuymethatsteakyoupromisedme,”Ijoked.
Momheldupmyoldgownencasedinathindry-cleanerplasticbag.“It’sokayifwedon’tgotoceremony.Wesawyoudobeforeanywaytenyearsago.Maybeifyouwearthisoneyoucangiveotheronebackforrefund.Savemoney.”
Ilaughedandexaminedthematerial.Ithadn’tfadedatall.They’dbroughtitallthewayfromVirginia,wheretheylivednowtobeclosetothegrandkids.Bringingthisgownwastheirwayofshowingtheycared.Whynotwearit?
Ipulleditovermyhead,andluckilyitstillfit.Thecapdidtoo.“HowdoIlook?”
Iimmediatelyregrettedtheopeninvitationtodiscussmyappearance.Thiscouldgoinanydirection,andtheoddswere75percentbad,20percentneutral,5percentgood,withamarginoferrorof5percent.
Mymomstifledayawnandtookanoff-centerphotoofmeinmygown,thenshareditwithmysister.NeitherparentsaidanythingabouthowIlooked.Theyweretootiredandprobablyforgotwhatwewerediscussing.ButthiswasamuchbetteroutcomethanIhadhoped.Ididn’tdareaskasecondtime.
Mymom’sphonedingedtwice.“Yoursisterwriteback.”Shehandedmehercell.
Tellherwe’reallproudofher
Congratulations!
Ibeamedandmadeplanstomeetmyparentslaterinthedayatmyfavoritecafé.TheywentbacktotheirhoteltorestwhileIfinishedgettingready.
AsIglidedonthefinishingtouchoflipgloss,Inoticedawhiteshirtboxonmybed.Atfirst,Ithoughtitmightbeagraduationgownaccessoryfrommyparents,butitwastooheavy.Liftingthelidandpeelingbackthetissue,Iuncoveredaplum-coloredT-shirtwithWORLDCLASSSTEMINISTAinwhiteletteringacrossthefrontwithacardfromMiaandBeth.Icouldn’twaittowearit.
AlsoenclosedwasascrapbookfromJake,with“Lily’sGreatestHits”onthecover.Inside,hehadfilleditwithphotosandnewsarticlesfromthelasttenyears,showcasingallmyprofessionalaccomplishments,leavingblankpagesinthebacktoaddmore.CreatingaboundportfolioofmysuccesseswassomethingIhadbeenmeaningtodooneday,toreflectonmypersonalandprofessionalwinssoIdidn’tfocussomuchonallmyscrewups.SoJakewasn’tjokingabouthismostrecentscrapbookingendeavor.Itwasskillfullycrafted,wonderfullycurated,and,mostimportant,thoughtful.Thisprojectmusthavetakenhimweeks.Maybeevenmonths.
Flippingthroughpageafterpage,IblinkedbacktearswhenIsawcollagesofphotosandarticlesfrommypastandpresent,includingoldandnewpicturesfromcampus,my30Under30award,andanofficialbookannouncementforTypeAMinusinPublishersDigest.BythetimeIgottothelastpage,thewaterworkswereunrelenting.Theworsttimingtoo,becauseI’djustfinishedallmymakeuptouch-ups.Luckily,I’dwornwater-resistanteyelinerandthepowderandblushwereeasytoreapply.
Iranoutthedoor,thinkingunironicallyhowthiswasalreadyturningouttobethebestgraduationI’deverhad
IhadofficiallygraduatedinDecember,butIhadtheoptionofwalkingwiththerestoftheseniorclassinMay,whichIgladlydid.Collegegraduationthesecondtimearoundwasjustasexhilaratingasthefirst.Beachballsbouncedbackandforthfromthestudentbodytothespectators.AfewNSFWinflatablewomenandmenwerepassedbackandforthamongthegraduatingclass.Airhornsblaredandnoisemakersrattled.Ethan,Grace,andPJbroughtbottlesofvodkaundertheirgownsandsnuckoccasionalsips.
Walkingthestageagainasarealgraduatefeltespeciallyimportantthistime.WhenIshookDeanBalmer-Collins’shand,shehelditalittlelongerthanexpected.“IwantedtosayhowsorryIamabouteverything.TenyearsagoIwassocaughtupingettingaheadandgettingpromotedthatI—”Hervoicehitched,herwordscatchinginherthroat.“Youwereright.IwasselfishandmadesomanymistakesthatIregretdeeply.Ioweyouahugeapology.Iwilltrytodobetter,Ipromise.Bytheway,Ipreorderedyournextbookandwillbefollowingyourjourney.”
Myheartlifted,knowingthisfeelingofinjusticefrommypasthadresolvedtoanoutcomeIcouldaccept.“Takeitfromme,don’tletmistakesdefineyou.Whoyouareisn’tyourhistoryofmistakes.It’showyougenuinelylearnfromthemratherthanmakingexcusesandofferinginsincereapologies.Thegoalistobecomeabetterperson,right?”Itookherotherhandandofferedheracourteoussmile.“Iappreciateyoursupportandwishyouwell,Dean.Thankyou.”
Shenodded.“YouofferwisewordsthatIpromisetotaketoheart.Truly.”
WhenIgotbacktomyseat,Bethasked,“Whatwasthatallabout?”
Irelishedthemoment.“Justanormalhumanmakingmistakesandfinallylearningfromthem.”Epilogue
OneYearLater
Doyouthinkwe’llevergetsickofeatingpaella?”Iaskedaswesettledthecheck.
“Honestly,no.Doyouthinkyou’lleverstoptakingmorethanyourshareofshrimp?”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Youalwaystakemoreclamsandmussels.Soit’sonlyfair.”
“Touché.Sowhat’snext?”Jakeaskedasweexitedtherestaurant.AleisurelylunchafterstrollingthroughthePicassoMuseumhadbeenonmybucketlistforyearsandwe’dfinallydoneit
Jakedidn’tseemtohaveastrongopinionaboutourafternoonplans.
“DessertatBoqueriaMarket?ThenmaybewecangotoBarcelonetaBeachforanafternoonswimsoIcanuseallthoseaquaticskillsBethtaughtme?”Isuggested.
Hesmirked.“YouknowI’mnotgoingtosaynotothat.”
Onthebusridetothemarketplace,Miasentusthelatestphotosfromherdog-andcat-sittingadventures:SashaandBanditbaskinglazilyinthesunlightstreamingthroughthewindowsofJake’sbrownstone.Itwassucharelieftoknowthosetwowereinsuchgoodhandswhilewewereawayonamuch-neededvacation.
WhenwearrivedatLaBoqueria,weweremetwithvibrantlycoloredboothsandtantalizingaromasofsweetandsavoryfoods.Zigzaggingfromstalltostall,wewereluredbythefragrantandvisuallystunningfresh-pressedfruitjuices,produce,anddesserts.Spanishspecialtiessurroundedus,makinguswanttohaveasecondlunchofjamónibérico,Manchegocheese,andbacalao.ThankGodwearrivedwithfullstomachs,otherwisewewouldhavegonebrokefromtryingalittleofeverything.
Iwentwithacremacatalana:acustardpuddingtoppedwithacoatingofburntcaramel,whichtomelookedlikecrèmebr?lée,oneofmyall-timefavoritedesserts.Jakeoptedforaredjuicethatlookedlikestrawberrybuttastedmorelikemangoandpomegranate.
AsJakechattedinSpanishwiththevendor,Igrinnedtomyself,thinkingabouthowdifferentmylifewasjustayearago.Andhowoveradecadeago,IthoughtI’dnevermakeittoBarcelona,andhereIwaswithJake,alltheseyearslater.
Hecametomewearingaslygrin,holdingasecondjuice.
“Yougotmeonetoo?”
“Itwasonthehouse.Herememberedmefrombackincollege,canyoubelieveit?HecalledmeSe?orTristebackthen,becauseIlookedsosad.”Hehandedmethedrink.
Iraisedthecupandsaidloudlytothemanatthedrinksstall,“Gracias,Se?or!”
Jakeleanedinandkissedme,andallthebustlearoundusdisappeared.Hetastedsweetandearnest.Iclosedmyeyesandlettheworldcontinuetomeltawayashislipspressedagainstmineasecondtime.“Hesaidthedrinkisforyou,formakingmesohappy.”
Itookasip.“Youmakemehappytoo.”Acknowledgments
I’mwritingtheseacknowledgmentsasIstareatthebackofmydaughter’shead.She’ssittingonthecouchrightinfrontofme,participatinginasummeronlineZoomartcamp.It’sunbelievablehowlongthispandemichasgoneon,andhowmuchourliveshavechangedasaresult.Ireleasedmyfirstbookduringlockdown,andthoughtforsurewhenIreleasedthissixthbookwe’dbeoutofthisbynow(lookslikeIknowasmuchaboutepidemiologyandpathologyasIknowaboutspelling).Asyoucanimagine,I’vehadalotofupsanddownsduringmypandemicauthorcareer,buthonestly,it’sbeenmostlyupsthankstomysupportivefriends,family,andcolleagues.
I’dliketostartbythankingmyhusbandforallofhisencouragementthroughoutmywritingjourney,andforwritingacomputersciencebook(withDustinB),becauseitwastheperfectresourceformewhenresearchingCScollegecourseworkforthisnovel.Healsohelpedwithmanuscriptproofreading,andasalways,caughtanumberofthings.Thankyouforbeingamazing.
Speakingofamazing,Iwanttosendlovetomykiddo,CJ,whohascheeredhermamaonandofferedtofixmygrammarmistakeswhensheisallowedtoreadmyadultbooks.Onlysixmoreyearstogo!
Manythankstomyvisionaryeditor,CarrieFeron,whohelpedmecenterthisbookonwhatwasmostimportant.Forthefirsttimeever,Ihadtocutthousandsofwords,andthenovelissomuchbetternow.EnormousthankstoAsantéSimons,AmandaLara,BeatriceJason,DJDeSmyter,YeonKim,DecueYu,DiahannSturge,andalloftheAvonproduction,marketing,andsalesteamsforbeingsowonderfulduringthisprocess.MuchappreciationtoBrentTaylor,myagentextraordinaire,forallyourencouragingwordsovertheyearsandcontinuingtochampionmywork.KathleenCarter,thankyouforcontinuingtobeonthisjourneywithme—you’rewonderful!
Lotsoflovetomyfamilywhohavebeensoencouragingandenthusiasticaboutmywritingcareer.MyUCLAAndersonfriends,Columbiabuds,Lincolnmoms,JulieKim,myKoreanlanguageguru,mywritinggroup,myauthorandwriterfriends,librarians,booksellers,podcasters,IGliveinterviewers,andmylovelybookstagrammerbuddies(especiallytheOC/LA/APIfam),thankyousomuchforthecheerleading!SpecialthankstoHelenHoang,andalsoRoselleLim,whocontinuetobemygo-topeopleforravesandrants.ILU!AlexaMartin,AlisonHammer,LizLawson,DanteMedema,JeffBishop,StephanLee,andQswritingretreaters(KathleenBarber,ChelseaResnick,andKristinRockaway)haveallgraciouslyrespondedtomy“yay!”and“huh???”messagesandtextsinatimelymanner…thankyoutoyouall
Hugethankstothebookstores,libraries,andfestivalswhohavehostedme,andtoanyonewhohasattendedmyin-personandvirtualevents.Assomeonewhoonceawkwardlyperformedstand-upcomedyinfrontofanaudienceofthreepeople,I’lladmitthisisoneofthethingsIfearthemostaboutbeinganauthor:thatnoonewillshowuptoanything,evenifIbringdeliciouscookies.Ireallyappreciatemylovelyeventgoers,andI’lldomyparttokeepthepanels,conversations,andinterviewsfunandengaging.
Muchappreciation(andadmiration)toEmilyHenry,ChristinaLauren,EmilyGiffin,andHarlanCoben,whopluckedmylastadultbookSoWeMeetAgainfromtheirtoweringTBRstacksandchampionedtheheckoutofit.I’mstillsogratefulforthatoverayearlater.
Andfinally,ahugethank-youtomyreaders.Iknowmyquirkybooksaren’teveryone’scupoftea,butthankyouforbuying,consuming,andsharingthisteawithothers.Youarethebest!P.S.Insights,Interviews&More…*
AbouttheAuthor
MeetSuzannePark
LetterfromtheAuthor
AbouttheBook
ReadingGroupGuideAbouttheAuthorMeetSuzannePark
SUZANNEPARKisaKoreanAmericanwriterwhowasbornandraisedinTennessee.
Inherformerlifeasastand-upcomedian,SuzanneappearedonBET’sComingtotheStage,wasthewinneroftheSeattleSierraMistComedyCompetition,andwasasemifinalistinNBC’s“StandUpforDiversity”showcaseinSanFrancisco.Hernovelshavebeenfeaturedin“bestof”listsinNPR,PopSugar,RealSimple,CountryLiving,Bustle,Buzzfeed,MarieClaire,Parade,Shondaland,andtheTodayShow
SuzannegraduatedfromColumbiaUniversityandreceivedanMBAdegreefromUCLA.ShecurrentlyresidesinLosAngeleswithherhusband,femaleoffspring,andasneakyratthatcreepsaroundonherbackpatio.Inhersparetime,sheprocrastinates.
Discovergreatauthors,exclusiveoffers,andmoreathc.comLetterfromtheAuthor
Funnystory:theideaforthisnovelcamefromarecurringnightmare.MymostfrequenthellishdreamisonewhereIwalkintoclassonthelastdayofschoolandneedtotakeafinalexamforacourseI’veneverattended.Duringtheearliermonthsofthepandemic,IhadthisexactsamedreamseveraldaysinarowandknewIhadtotrytodosomethingtogetthisoutofmyhead,soIwrotedownwhatIwasthinkingandfeelingonpaper(andinMSWord).WhenIjournaledmyworriesandconcernsoverthecourseofaweek…voila!IdiscoveredthekerneloftheideaforTheDo-Over
Likewithmyotheradultcontemporarynovels,inthisbookIwantedtoincorporatethemesofwomen’sempowerment,self-discovery,andthepursuitoflove.ItriedtodosomethingalittledifferentthistimebyincludingglimpsesofLily’spasttoshowhowmuchshe’dchangedsincecollege,andtoalsogiveherroomtoexplorethenotionthatthereisstillplentyofroomtogrowasadults.Addinginafratparty,achallengingswimtestrequirement,andothernodstocampuslifewereallingoodfunandenjoyabletowriteabout,evenduringthepandemic.
AlthoughI’veincludedserioustopicsinthisstory(impostersyndromeandmentalhealth),TheDo-Overismeanttobeafeel-good,heartwarmingreadabouthowthefuturewethinkwewantwhenwe’reyoungermightturnoutverydifferentthanweeverimagined.Assomeonewhobecameanauthorafteralongcorporatecareerinthetravelandtechnologyindustries,Iamafirmbelieverthatit’snevertoolatetotrysomethingnew.
IhopeyouenjoyreadingthebookasmuchasIlovedwritingit.
Withlove,
SuzanneAbouttheBookReadingGroupGuide
Ifyouhadthechancetore-doanypartofschool,whatwoulditbeandwhy?
Haveyouhadanyrelationshipthatendedinawaythatyouwishyoucouldgetasecondchanceatreconciliationoracompletedo-over?
Lilyhasmomentsof“impostersyndrome”akaimposterphenomenoninthestory.Haveyouexperiencedimpostersyndrome?Howdidyou(ordoyou)handleit?
Throughoutherlife,Lilystruggleswithparentalexpectationsandbreakingfreefromthem.Haveyoudealtwiththis,andhowdidyougetpastit?
Jakere-entersLily’slifeaftertenyearsofbeingapart.Haveyoueverhadsomeoneyoudidn’texpectcomebackintoyourlifeyearslater?
LilyandJakehadplannedtodostudyabroadtogetherincollege.Doyouthinktheirrelationshipwouldhavesurvivedthroughtherestofcollegeandbeyondhadtheynotbrokenup?
BethandMiaareLily’s“foundfamily.”WhatroledidtheyplayinLily’slife?
ThestoryistoldfromLily’spointofview.WhatmomentsinthestorywouldyouhavelikedtoknowwhatJakewasthinking?
Discussthestructureofthenovel:howdotheglimpsesofLily’spastcollegelifeimpactyourunderstandingofLilyandJake?
DoyouthinkLilyandJakewillstaytogether?PraiseforTheDo-Over
“Withdepthandwarmthandwit,TheDo-Overisabeautiful,hopefulportrayalofsecondchancesinlifeandinlove.Thecarefullyexecutedportrayalofanxiety,aswellasthewonderfullyengrossinglovestory,makethisapitch-perfectread.Iabsolutelylovedeveryword.SuzanneParkisahiddengemintheromanceworld,andTheDo-Overisherbestbookyet.”
—ChristinaLauren,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheSoulmateEquation
“Afantastic,empoweringsecond-chanceromancethatcombineswitandcharmwithanalwaysinsightfulcommentaryonimpostersyndrome,anxiety,andthechallengeoffindingourselves.SuzanneParkwroteatruegem!”
—AliHazelwood,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheLoveHypothesis
“Park’s(SoWeMeetAgain)latestdoesanexcellentjobofnavigatingtopicsofanxiety,self-doubt,nepotism,andmisogynythroughanenjoyablesecond-chanceromancewithgreatcharacters.Thisbookisanessentialreadandhighlyrecommended.”
—LibraryJournal(starredreview)
“Asatisfyingstoryofovercomingyourfearsaboutexpectations—otherpeople’s,andyourown—andfiguringoutyourownworth.Second-chanceromancemeetsalltheothersecondchancesweneedtogiveourselves.”
—KJDell’Antonia,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheChickenSistersandInHerBoots
“SuzanneParkhititoutoftheparkwithTheDo-Over!Parkbringshersignaturehumorandhearttothisserious(butstilllighthearted)story.You’lllaugh,you’llswoon,andyou’llcraveallthesweetsasyoucheerforLilyLeetogethersecondchance—inloveandinlife.”
—AliBrady,authorofTheBeachTrap
PraiseforSoWeMeetAgain
“Funny,romantic,andreal-worldnovel.ItcentersonJessieKim,ayoungKoreanwomanwhoislaidofffromherfinancejob…ittacklessexismandracismingrippingways.”
—TodayShow
“Somebooksjustfeellikeanoldfriend,theirfirstpagesembracingyouwithaninstantfamiliarityandwarmthyoucan’thelpbutsinkinto.SuzannePark’sSoWeMeetAgainisthatkindofbook….Acinematic,charmingheart-squeeze-of-a-bookthathasfounditswaytomyUltimateComfortReadsshelf.”
—EmilyHenry,#1NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor
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