The Edens 2) Garnet Flats

JUNIPERHILL
Copyright?2021byDevneyPerryLLC
Allrightsreserved.
ISBN:978-1-950692-70-5
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,distributedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,includingphotocopying,recordingorotherelectronicormechanicalmethods,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionoftheauthorexceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,localesorpersons,livingordead,iscoincidental.
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SarahHansen?OkayCreations
www.okaycreations.comOTHERTITLESJamisonValleySeries
TheCoppersmithFarmhouse
TheCloverChapel
TheLuckyHeart
TheOutpost
TheBitterrootInn
TheCandlePalaceMaysenJarSeries
TheBirthdayList
LetterstoMollyLarkCoveSeries
Tattered
Timid
Tragic
TinselCliftonForgeSeries
SteelKing
RivenKnight
StonePrincess
NoblePrince
FallenJester
TinQueenRunawaySeries
RunawayRoad
WildHighway
QuarterMiles
ForsakenTrail
DottedLinesTheEdensSeries
ChristmasinQuincy–Prequel
IndigoRidge
JuniperHill
GarnetFlatsCalamityMontanaSeries
WritingasWillaNash
TheBribe
TheBluff
TheBrazen
TheBullyCONTENTS
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Epilogue
GarnetFlats
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorCHAPTERONEMEMPHIS
“JuniperHill.JuniperHill.”Ipluckedthestickynotefromthecupholdertodouble-checkthatIhadthecorrectstreetname.JuniperHill.“There.Is.No.Juniper.Hill.”
Mypalmsmackedonthesteeringwheel,addingawhackwitheachword.FrustrationseepedfrommyporesasIdesperatelyscannedtheroadforastreetsign.
Drakescreamedinhiscarseat,thatwailing,heartbreaking,red-facedscream.Howcouldanoisesoloudcomefromsuchasmallperson?
“I’msorry,baby.We’realmostthere.”Wehadtobeclose,right?Thismiserabletriphadtoend.
Drakecriedandcried,notgivingadamnaboutmyapology.Hewasonlyeightweeksold,andwhilethistriphadbeenhardonme,forhimitwasprobablyakintotorture.
“I’mscrewingeverythingup,aren’tI?”
MaybeIshouldhavewaitedandmadethistripwhenhewasolder.MaybeIshouldhavestayedinNewYorkanddealtwiththebullshit.MaybeIshouldhavemadeahundreddifferentchoices.Athousand.
Afterdaysinthecar,I’dbegunquestioningmyeverydecision,especiallythisone.
Escapingthecityhadseemedlikethebestoption.Butnow…
Drake’sscreamsaidotherwise.
ItseemedlikeadecadeagothatI’dpackedupmylife—ourlife—andloadeditintomycar.Once,I’dbeenagirlwho’dgrownupinamansion.Agirlwho’dhadaprivatejetatherdisposal.TherealizationthattheonlypossessionstrulyminewouldfitintoaVolvosedanwas…humbling.
ButI’dmademychoice.Anditwastoolatetoturnbacknow.
Thousandsofmilesandwe’dfinallymadeittoQuincy.Thesiteofourfreshstart.OritwouldbeifIcouldfindJuniperHill.
Myearswereringing.Myheartwasaching.“Shh.Baby.We’realmostthere.”
Neitherdidheunderstandnorcare.Hewashungryandneededadiaperchange.I’dplannedtodoitallwhenwearrivedatourrental,butthiswasthethirdtimeI’ddriventhisstretchofroad.
Lost.WewerelostinMontana.
We’dcomeallthiswayandwerelost.Maybewe’dbeenlostsincethemorningI’ddrivenoutofthecity.MaybeI’dbeenlostforyears.
IswipedupmyphoneandcheckedtheGPS.Mynewbosshadwarnedmethatthisroadwasn’tonamapyetsoshe’dgivenmedirectionsinstead.MaybeI’dwrittenthemdownwrong.
Drake’stinyvoicecracked.Thecryingstoppedforasplitsecondsohecouldrefillhislungs,thenhejustkeptonwailing.Throughtherearviewandthemirrorabovehisseat,hislittlefacewasscrunchedandflushedandhisfistsballed.
“I’msorry,”Iwhisperedastearsblurredmyvision.TheyfelldownmycheeksandIcouldn’tswipethemawayfastenough.
Don’tgiveup.
Myownsobescaped,joiningmyson’s,andIeasedoffthehighwayfortheshoulder.
ButGod,Iwantedtoquit.Howlongcouldapersonholdontotheendoftheirropebeforetheirgripslipped?Howlongcouldawomanholdherselftogetherbeforeshecracked?Apparently,theanswerwasfromNewYorktoMontana.Wewereprobablyonlyamilefromourfinaldestinationandthewallswerebeginningtocrumble.
Asobmixedwithahiccupandthetearsfloweduntilmytireswerestopped,thecarwasinparkandIwashuggingthesteeringwheel,wishingitcouldhugmeback.
Don’tgiveup.
Ifitwasonlyme,Iwouldhavegivenupmonthsago.ButDrakewascountingonmetoendure.He’dsurvivethis,right?He’dneverknowthatwe’dspentamiserablefewdaysinthecar.He’dneverknowthatforthefirsttwomonthsofhislife,I’dcriednearlyeveryday.He’dneverknowthattoday,thedaywhenwe’dstartedwhatIhopedwouldbeahappylife,hadactuallybeenthefifth-worstdayofhismother’slife.
Don’tgiveup.
Isqueezedmyeyesshut,givingintothesobsforaminute.Iblindlyfeltalongthedoor,hittingthebuttontorolldownthewindows.Maybesomecleanairwouldchaseawaythestinkoftoomanydaysinthecar.
“I’msorry,Drake,”Imurmuredashecontinuedtocry.Aswebothcried.“I’msorry.”
Abettermotherwouldprobablygetoutofthecar.Abettermotherwouldholdherson,feedhimandchangehim.ButthenI’dhavetoloadhimintohiscarseatagainandhe’dcry,likehehadforthefirsthourofourtripthismorning
Maybehe’dbebetteroffwithadifferentmother.Amotherwhowouldn’thavemadehimtravelacrossthecountry.
Hedeservedabettermother.Andabetterfather.
Wehadthatincommon.
“Miss?”
Igasped,nearlyjumpingoutofmyseatbeltasawoman’svoicecutthroughthenoise.
“Sorry.”Theofficer,aprettywomanwithdarkhair,heldupherhands.
“OhmyGod.”Islappedahandtomyheartastheothershovedalockofhairfrommyface.Intherearview,Ispottedthefamiliarblueandredlightsofapolicecar.Shit.ThelastthingIneededwasaticket.
“I’msorry,Officer.Icanmovemycar.”
“It’sallright.”Sheleanedin,peekinginsidemycar.“Iseverythingokay?”
Iwipedfuriouslyatmyface.Stopcrying.Stopcrying.“Justabadday.Actually,areallybadday.Maybethefifth-worstdayofmylife.Sixth.No,fifth.We’vebeeninthecarfordaysandmysonwon’tstopcrying.He’shungry.I’mhungry.Weneedanapandashower,butI’mlost.I’vebeendrivingaroundforthirtyminutestryingtofindthisplacewherewe’resupposedtobestaying.”
NowIwasramblingtoacop.Fantastic
TheramblingwassomethingI’ddoneasakidwhenevermynannyhadbustedmedoingsomethingwrong.Ididn’tliketobeintroubleandmygo-toresponsewastotalkmywaythroughit.
Dadhadalwayscalleditmakingexcuses.Butnomatterhowoftenhe’dscoldedme,theramblinghadbecomeahabit.AbadhabitI’dcorrectlaterinlifeonadaythatdidn’trankinthetoptenworstdays.
“Whereareyougoing?”thewomanasked,glancingatDrake,whowasstillyelling.
Hedidn’tcarethatwe’dbeenpulledover.HewastoobusytellingherthatIwasahorriblemother.
IscrambledtofindthestickynoteI’ddropped,showingittoherthroughtheopenwindow.“JuniperHill.”
“JuniperHill?”Herforeheadfurrowedandsheblinked,readingthestickynotetwice.
Mystomachdropped.Wasthatbad?Wasitinasketchyneighborhoodorsomething?
WhenI’dtriedtofindarentalinQuincy,thepickingshadbeenslim.Theonlyoptionshadbeenthree-orfour-bedroomhomes,andnotonlydidInotneedsomuchspace,they’dbeenoutsideofmybudget.ConsideringthiswasthefirsttimeinmylifeI’dhadabudget,Iwasdeterminedtosticktoit.
SoI’dcalledEloiseEden,thewomanwho’dhiredmetoworkatherhotel,andtoldherthatIwouldn’tbeabletomovetoQuincyafterall.
Whenshe’dpromisedtofindmeanapartment,I’dthoughtmaybeaguardianangelhadbeenlookingoutforme.ExceptmaybethisstudioapartmentonJuniperHillwasreallyashantyinthemountainsandI’dbeshackedupnexttomethdealersandcriminals.
Whatever.Today,I’dtakethecrackheadsandmurderersifitmeantspendingtwenty-fourhoursnotinthiscar.
“Yes.Doyouknowwhereitis?”Itossedahandtowardthewindshield.“Mydirectionsledmerighthere.Butthereisn’taroadmarkedJuniperHill.Oranyroadmarked,period.”
“Montanacountryroadsrarelyaremarked.ButIcanshowyou.”
“Really?”Myvoicesoundedsosmallasanotherwaveoftearscrashedopenthedam.
Ithadbeenawhilesinceanyonehadhelpedme.Thelittlegesturesstoodoutwhentheywererare.Inthepastmonth,theonlypeoplewho’dofferedmehelphadbeenQuincyresidents.Eloise.Andnowthisbeautifulstranger.
“Ofcourse.”Sheheldoutahand.“I’mWinslow.”
“Memphis.”Isniffledandshookherhand,blinkingtoofastasItriedtostopthetears.Itwasuseless.IwasexactlythetrainwreckIappearedtobe.
“WelcometoQuincy,Memphis.”
Ibreathedanddamnthosetearsjustkeptonfalling.“Thankyou.”
Shegavemeasadsmile,thenhurriedbacktohercar.
“We’llbeokay,baby.”TherewasasliverofhopeinmyvoiceasIscrubbedatmyface.
DrakecontinuedtocryasweeasedofftheroadandfollowedWinslowdowntoaclusteroftrees.Betweenthemwasanarrowdirtroad.
I’dpassedthisroad.Threetimes.Exceptitwasn’tarealroad.Certainlynotaresidentialstreet.Sheslowed,herbrakelightsglowingred,andturneddownthelane.Dustflewfrombeneathhertiresasshefollowedthetrail,drivingfartherandfartherawayfromthehighway.
MywheelsfoundeverybumpandeveryholebutthebouncingseemedtohelpbecauseDrake’swailingsimmeredtoawhimperasIfollowedabendintheroadtowardahillthatroseabovethetreeline.Itsfacewascoveredindarkevergreenshrubs.
“JuniperHill.”
Wow.Iwasanidiot.HadIstoppedandlookedatmysurroundings,Iprobablywouldhavefiguredthisout.
Tomorrow.Tomorrow,I’dpayattentiontoMontana.Butnottoday.
Theroadwentonforanothermile,followingthesamelineoftrees,untilfinallyweroundedonelastcorner,andthere,inameadowofgoldengrasses,wasastunninghome.
Nomountainshanty.Noquestionableneighbors.Whoeverownedthispropertyhadpluckeditstraightoutofahomedecormagazine.
Thehousewasasinglestory,stretchedlongandwidewiththehillasitsbackdrop.Theblacksidingwasbrokenupbyenormoussheetsofcrystal-clearglass.Whereanormalhousewouldhavewalls,thisplacehadwindows.ThroughthemIcouldseetheopenkitchenandlivingroom.Onthefarend,abedroomwithawhite-coveredbed.
Thesightofitspillowsmademeyawn.
Detachedfromthehousewasawide,three-stallgaragewithastaircasethatrantoadooronasecondstory.Eloisehadsaidshe’dfoundmealoft.
Thathadtobeit.Ourtemporaryhome.
Winslowparkedinthecirculargraveldriveway.Ieasedinbehindher,thenhurriedoutofmyseattorescuemyson.WithDrakeunstrapped,Iliftedhimtomyshoulder,hugginghimforalongmoment.“Wemadeit.Finally.”
“Hewasjustsickofhiscarseat.”Winslowwalkedoverwithakindsmile.“Ihaveatwo-month-old.Sometimeshelovesthecar.Mosttimes,notsomuch.”
“Drake’stwomonthstoo.Andhe’sbeenatrooper,”Ibreathed.Nowthathe’dfinallystoppedcrying,Icouldbreathe.“Thishasbeenalongtrip.”
“FromNewYork?”sheasked,glancingatmylicenseplates.
“Yep.”
“Thatisalongtrip.”
Ihopedithadbeenworthit.BecausetherewasnowayIwasgoingback.Forwardstepsonly,fromnowon.Thecitywasamemory.
“I’mthechiefofpolice,”shesaid.“YouknowEloiseEden,right?”
“Um…yes?”HadItoldherthat?
“Fulldisclosure.MemphisisauniquenameandEloiseismysister-in-law.”
“Ah.”Damnittothemoonandback.Thiswasmynewboss’ssister-in-law,andI’djustmadeanepicallyhorriblefirstimpression.“Er…whatarethechances?”
“InQuincy?Prettygood,”shesaid.“You’llbeworkingattheinn?”
Inodded.“Yes.Asahousekeeper.”
BeforeWinslowcouldsayanythingelse,thefrontdoortothehouseopenedandaprettybrunetterushedoutside,smilingandwaving.
Eloise.Herblueeyessparkled,thesamecolorasthecloudlessSeptembersky.
“Memphis!”Sherushedmyway.“Youmadeit.”
“Idid,”Ibreathed,shiftingDraketoextendmyhand.
WhatevermakeupI’dputontwodaysagoatourhotelinMinnesotahadwornofffromfatigueandtears.Myblondhairwasinasloppyponytailandmywhiteteewasstainedorangeatthehemfromanenergydrinkthathadexplodedonmethismorning.IlookednothingliketheversionofMemphisWardwho’ddoneavirtualinterviewwithEloiseweeksago.Butthiswasme.Therewasnohidingreality.
Iwasamess.
Eloisemovedrightintomyspace,ignoringmyofferedhandtopullmeinforahug.
Itensed.“Sorry,Ismell.”
“Notatall.”Shelaughed.“YoumetWinn?”
Inodded.“ShewaskindenoughtohelpmewhenIgotlost.”
“Ohno.”Eloise’ssmiledropped.“Weremydirectionsbad?”
“No.”Iwaveditoff.“I’vejustneverdrivenonadirtroad.Ididn’texpectit.”
Upuntilthistrip,Ihadn’tdrivenmuchatall.Yes,I’dhadacarinNewYork,butI’dalsohadadriver.Thankfully,I’dspentenoughtimebehindthewheelgoingtoandfromtheHamptonstofeelcomfortablemakingthisjourney.
“Canwehelpyougetunpacked?”Winslowasked,pointingtowardtheloft.
“Oh,that’sokay.Icanmanage.”
“We’llhelp.”Eloisesqueezedthetrunk’sreleasebutton.
TheduffelbagsandsuitcasesI’dshovedinsidepracticallyjumpedout.Yes,allofmybelongingsfitintomyVolvo.Butthatdidn’tmeanithadn’tbeenachoretostufftheminside.
Sheheftedabackpackoverhershoulder,thenliftedoutasuitcase.
“Really,Icandothis.”Myfaceflamedredatthesightofmynewbosshaulingoutmythings.Thebagshecarriedhadmyunderwearandtampons.
ButEloiseignoredme,marchingtothegarage’ssteelstaircase.
“Trustmeonthisone.”Winslowwalkedtothetrunk.“ThesooneryoujustgoalongwithEloise,theeasieryourlifewillbe.She’spersistent.”
Likehowshe’drefusedtolistenwhenI’dhadtodeclinethejoboffer.She’dorderedmetogettoMontana,promisingwe’dhaveahomeoncewearrived.
“I’mlearningthis.”Igiggled.ItwasthefirstlaughI’dhadin…well,inalongtime.
IheldDrakecloser,breathinginhisbabysmell.Standingthere,withmyfeetontheground,Iletmyselfbreatheagain.Foroneheartbeat.Thentwo.Iletthesolesofmyshoesbewarmedbytherocks.Iletmyheartsinkoutofmythroatandreturntomychest.
Wemadeit.
Quincymightnotbeourforeverhome.Butforeverswerefordreamers.AndI’dstoppeddreamingthedayI’dstartedrankingmyworstdays.There’dbeensomany,ithadbeentheonlywaytokeepmovingforward.Toknowthatnonehadbeenasawfulasthefirst-worstday.ToknowthatifI’dsurvivedthatone,Icouldendurethesecondandthethirdandthefourth.
Todaymarkedthefifth.
IthadstartedatagasstationinNorthDakota.I’dpulledoverlastnighttogetsomesleep.Twentyminutes,that’sallI’dwanted.ThenI’dplannedtogetbackontheroad.DrakehadbeenzonkedandIhadn’twantedtowakehimupbyhaulinghimintoaseedyhotel.
Nappinginthecarhadbeenarecklessdecision.I’dthoughtIwassafebeneaththeparkinglot’sbrightlights.Myeyeshadn’tbeenclosedformorethanfiveminuteswhenatruckdriverhadknockedonmywindow,lickinghislips.
I’dspedawayand,hopefully,runoverhistoes.
Myhearthadhammeredforthenexthour,butoncetheadrenalinehadwornoff,soul-deepexhaustionhadburrowedundermyskin.I’dbeenafraidoffallingasleepatthewheelsoI’dpulledoverontheinterstatetohopoutandjoginplaceunderthestars.I’dstretchedforallofthirtysecondsbeforeabughadflownundermyshirtandlefttwobitesalongmyribs.
Thestinghadkeptmeawakeforthenexthour.
Atdawn,I’dfoundanotherturnofftostopandchangeDrake.WhenI’dliftedhimoutofhisseat,he’dspitupallovermyshirt,forcingmetogivemyselfababy-wipebath.Anynormalday,itwouldn’thavebeenabigdeal.Butithadbeenonemorestrawandmybackwasclosetobreaking.
Duringourlastgasstationstop,he’dstartedcrying.Withtheexceptionofafewshortnaps,hehadn’treallystopped.
HoursofthatwailandIwasfried.Iwasweary.Iwasscared.Iwasnervous.
Myemotionswerebattlingeachother,fightingtotakefirstplace.Fightingtobetheonethatpushedmeovertheedge.
Butwe’dmadeit.Somehow,we’dmadeit.
“Let’sgocheckoutournewspot.”IkissedDrakeashesquirmed—hehadtobehungry—thenshiftedhimtothecradleofmyarm.Withonehand,Iheftedoutthenextduffelinthestack,butI’dforgottenhowheavyitwas.Thenylonstrapslippedfrommyfingers,thebagploppingtotheground.“Ugh.”
“I’llgetit.”Adeep,ruggedvoicesoundedfrombehindme,thencamethecrunchofbootsongravel.
Istood,readytosmileandintroducemyself,butthesecondIspottedthemanwalkingmyway,mybrainscrambled.
Tall.Broad.Tattooed.Gorgeous
WhyhadIkeptdrivinglastnight?Whyhadn’tIstoppedatahotelwithashower?
Iwasinnoplacetocrushonaguy.ThenewMemphis—momMemphis—wastoobusygettingformulastainsoutofhershirtstopreenformen.ButtheoldMemphis—single,richandalwaysupforanorgasmortwoMemphis—really,reallylikedsexy,beardedmen.
Hebentandpickeduptheduffelbeforegrabbingthelargestsuitcasefromthetrunk.HisbicepsstrainedthesleevesofhisgrayT-shirtashecarriedthembothtowardthegarage.Narrowhips.Sinewedforearms.Longlegscoveredinfadedjeans.
Whowashe?Didhelivehere?Diditmatter?
Drakewhinedandthatsoundsnuffedthelaserbeamthathadbeenmygazeonthisguy’ssculptedass.
Whatthehellwaswrongwithme?Sleep.Ineededsleep.
Beforeanyonecouldcatchmestaring,Idroppedmychinandrushedafterhim,pausinglongenoughtosnagthediaperbagfromthebackseat.
Themetalonthestairsgavealowhumwitheachstep.ThemanhadalmostmadeittothelandingwhenEloisepoppedout.
“Good,you’rehelping.”Shesmiledathim,thenwavedusallinside.“KnoxEden,meetMemphisWard.Memphis,thisismybrotherKnox.Thisishishouse.”
Knoxsetdownthebagsandjerkeduphischin.“Hi.”
“Hi.ThisisDrake.Thanksforrentingusyourapartment.”
“I’msureanotherspotwillopenupintown.”HeshotEloiseaglare.“Soon.”
ThetensionrollingthroughtheloftwasthickerthantrafficonEastThirty-FourthfromFDRDrivetoFifthAvenue.
Winslowstudiedthehoney-coloredfloorswhileEloisenarrowedhergazeatherbrother.
MeanwhileKnoxdidnothingtodisguisetheirritationonhisface.
“Is,um…isthisplacenotforrent?”ItwouldbeonparformydaytoarrivesomewhereIwasunwelcome.
“No,it’snot,”hesaidasEloisesaid,“Yes,itis.”
“Idon’twanttocauseanytrouble.”Mystomachchurned.“Maybeweshouldfindanotherplace.”
Eloisecrossedherarmsoverherchest,raisinghereyebrowsasshewaitedforherbrothertospeak.Shewastooprettytobeintimidating,yetIwouldn’twanttobeonthereceivingendofthatlook.
“Fine,”Knoxgrumbled.“Stayaslongasyouneed.”
“Areyousure?”Becauseitsoundedalotlikehewaslying.I’dheardmyfairshareofliesasaNewYorksocialite.
“Yeah.I’llgettherestofyourbags.”Knoxbreezedpastme,thescentofsageandsoapfillingmynose.
“Sorry.”Eloiseputherhandsonhercheeks.“Okay,Ineedtobehonest.Whenyoucalledandsaidthereweren’tanyapartmentsaroundtown,Ididsomecheckingtoo.Andyou’reright.Nothingisavailableinyourpricerange.”
Igroaned.Soshe’dpawnedmeoffonherunwillingbrother.Iwasacharitycase.
OldMemphiswouldhaverefusedcharity.
MomMemphisdidn’thavethatluxury.
“Idon’twanttointrude.”
“You’renot,”Eloisesaid.“Hecouldhavetoldmeno.”
WhydidIgetthefeelingitwashardforpeopletotellherno?Orthatsherarelyaccepteditasananswer?Afterall,thatwashowI’ddrivenouthere.
Afteranhour-longZoominterview,I’dfalleninlovewiththeideaofworkingforEloiseandIhadn’tevenseenthehotelpremises.She’dsmiledandlaughedthroughourconversation.She’daskedaboutDrakeandcomplimentedmyrésumé.
I’dtakenthisjobnotbecauseIaspiredtocleanrooms,butsimplybecauseshewastheanti-Father.Therewasnothingcold,ruthlessorcunningaboutEloise.Myfatherwouldhateher.
“Areyousureaboutthis?”Iasked.
“Absolutely.Knoxjustisn’tusedtohavingpeopleouthere.Butitwillbefine.He’lladjust.”
Wasthatwhyhe’dbuiltahomefullofglass?Outhere,hedidn’tneedtheprivacyofwalls.Thelocationgavehimseclusion.AndIwasintruding.
Wedidn’thavealeaseagreement.Assoonasavacancyintowncameopen,IdoubtedKnoxwouldmindlosingmyrentcheck.
Hecamestridingupthestaircase,thethudfromhisbootsreverberatingthroughtheloft.Hisframefilledthedoorwayashewalkedinsidecarryinganotherthreebags.
“Icangettherest,”Isaidashesetthemonthefloor.“AndI’llbequiet.Youwon’tevenknowwe’rehere.”
Drakechosethatmomenttoletoutascreechbeforenuzzlingtowardmybreast
Knox’smouthpursedinathinlinebeforeheretreateddownthestairs.
“Canwehelpyougetunpacked?”Winslowasked.“I’dmuchratherstayherethanheadbackoutonpatrolandwritespeedingtickets.”
“No,that’sokay.Icanhandleit.Thereisn’tmuch.”Justmyentirelifeinbags.“Thankyouforrescuingmetoday.”
“Anytime.”
“Arewestillonforanorientationtomorrow?”IaskedEloise.
“Sure.Butifyouwantadayortwotosettleinbeforework—”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“I’dliketojumprightin.”
Diveheadfirstintothisnewlife.DrakewasstartingathisdaycaretomorrowandthoughIhatedleavinghimfortheday,thatwasthelifeofasinglemother.
Thedaycarecostwouldswallowthirty-onepercentofmyincome.QuincyhadalowcostoflivingcomparedtolargerMontanatowns,andrentingthisloftatonlythreehundreddollarsamonthwouldallowmetobuildacushion,butunpaidweekdayswerenotanoption.Notyet.
Lifewouldhavebeeneasier,financially,inNewYork.Butitwouldn’thavebeenalife.Itwouldhavebeenaprisonsentence.
“Okay.”Eloiseclapped.“ThenI’llseeyoutomorrow.Comeinwheneveryou’reready.”
“Thankyou.”Iheldoutmyhandoncemorebecauseshakingherhandwasimportant.ItwasoneofthefewlessonsmyfatherhadtaughtmethatIdidn’tloathe.
“I’msogladyou’rehere.”
“Metoo.”
WinslowandEloisewavedastheywalkedoutthedoor.AnotherwhimperfromDrakesentmeflyingintoaction,diggingoutabottlefromthediaperbagbeforewesettledonthecouch.Whilehechugged,Isurveyedmynewtemporaryhome.
Thewhitewallswerepitchedwiththerooflineandathickwoodenbeamthecolorofthefloorsranthelengthofthespace.Threedormerwindowshadbeencutintothesidefacingthehouse,givingmeaviewofJuniperHillandtheindigomountainsbeyond.Alcovesandhalfwallscreateddifferentcompartmentsinthefloorplan.
Acrossfromthecouchandbehindashortpartitionwasabedcoveredinapatchworkquilt.Thekitchenwasononesideoftheloft,nexttothedoor,whilethebathroomwasatitsopposite.Thespacewasjustlargeenoughforashowerstall,sinkandtoilet.
“You’llhavetohavebathsinthesink,”ItoldDrake,takingtheemptybottlefromhismouth.
Hestaredupatmewithhisbeautifulbrowneyes.
“Iloveyou.”Ihadn’ttoldhimthatenoughonthisdrive.Wehadn’thadenoughmomentslikethis,justthetwoofustogether.“Whatdoyouthinkaboutthis?”
Drakeblinked.
“Ilikeittoo.”
Iburpedhim,thendugoutababyblanket,settlinghimonthefloorwhileIrushedtobringinthelastcoupleofloadsandunpack.
Hourslater,myclotheswererefoldedandputawayintheoneandonlydresser.ThedrawersbuiltintothebedframeIusedforDrake’soutfits.ThesmallclosetwasstuffedbythetimeIhungafewcoatsandsweaters,thenstowedthelargesuitcasesstuffedwithsmallersuitcasesstuffedwithbagsandbackpacks.
I’dboughttwosandwichesatthelastgasstationI’dstoppedat,thinkingtherewouldn’tbetimetomakeagrocerystorerun,soIatemydryhamandswiss,chasingitdownwithsomewater,andwentaboutgivingDrakehisfirstkitchen-sinkbath.
HefellasleepinmyarmsbeforeIplacedhiminhisportablecrib.Isummonedenoughenergytoshowerandwashmyhair,thencrashedwithinsecondsofmyheadhittingthepillow.
Butmysonwasn’tmuchforlettingmerestthesedaysandjustafterelevenhewokeuphungryandfussy.Onebottle,onecleandiaperandonehourlater,heshowednosignsofsleep.
“Oh,baby.Please.”Ipacedthelengthoftheloft,walkingpasttheopenwindows,hopingtheclean,coolairwouldsettlehimdown.
ExceptDrakewasnothavingit.Hecriedandcried,likehedidmostnights,squirmingbecausehejustwasnotcomfortable.
SoIwalkedandwalked,bouncingandswayingwitheverystep.
AlightfromKnox’shouseflippedonasIpassedawindow.Aflashofskincaughtmyeyeandstoppedmyfeet.
“Whoa.”
Knoxwasshirtless,wearingonlyapairofblackboxerbriefs.Theymoldedtohisstrongthighs.ThewaistbandclungtotheVathiships.
Myneighbor,mylandlord,wasn’tjustmuscled,hewascut.Hewasasymphonyofrippledmusclethatsanginperfectharmonywithhishandsomeface.
Puretemptation,poisedatthewindowofawomanwhocouldnotaffordtostrayfromherpath.
Butwhatwastheharminalook?
Ihoveredbesidethewindow’sframe,stayingoutofsight,andstoleanotherglanceasheraisedatoweltodrytheendsofhisdarkhair.
“Noteverythingabouttodaywasbad,wasit?”IaskedDrakeasKnoxstrodeoutofhisbedroom.“Atleastwe’vegotagreatview.”CHAPTERTWOKNOX
TherewasnoplaceI’dratherbethanstandinginmykitchen,aknifeinhand,withthescentsoffreshherbsandbakedbreadswirlingintheair.
Eloisesweptthroughtheswingingdoorthatconnectedthekitchentotherestaurant.“Andrightthroughhereisthekitchen.”
Correction.TherewasnoplaceI’dratherbethanstandinginmykitchenalone
“Isn’titawesome?”sheaskedoverhershoulder.
MemphissteppedoutfrombehindEloise,andIdidadoubletake.Herblondhairwasstraightandhanginginsleekpanelsoverhershoulders.Thebrightlightsbroughtoutthecaramelflecksinherbrowneyes.Hercheekswererosyandhersoftlipspaintedapalepink.
Well…fuck.
Iwasintrouble.
ItwasthesamewomanI’dmetyesterday,butshewasafarcryfromthefrazzled,exhaustedpersonwho’dmovedintotheloft.Memphiswas…striking.I’dthoughtthesameyesterday,evenwithbluecirclesbeneathhereyes.Buttodayherbeautywasdistracting.Trouble.
Ihadnotimefortrouble.
Especiallywhenitcametomynewtenant
Myknifeworkedthroughabatchofcilantro,myhandmovingfasterasIfocusedonthetaskathandandignoredthisintrusion.
“Ifthefridgeinthebreakroomiseverfull,youcankeepyourlunchinhere,”Eloisesaid,gesturingtothewalk-in.
Wait.What?Theknifedroppedfrommypalm,nearlyhittingafinger.Noonekepttheirlunchinhere.Notevenmywaitstaff.Granted,theyrarelyhadtobringmealsbecauseI’dtypicallycookthemameal.Still…thatwalk-inwasoff-limits.
Eloiseknewitwasoff-limits.ExceptmywonderfullyannoyingsisterseemedintentonforcingMemphisintoeveryaspectofmylife.Wasn’tmyhomeenough?Nowmykitchen?
“Okay.”Memphisnodded,scanningtheroom,lookingeverywherebutatwhereIstoodatthestainless-steelpreptableinthecenterofthespace.
Sheinspectedthegasrangealongonewall,thentheindustrialdishwasheratherback.Onthewallswereshelvesfilledwithcleanceramicplatesandcoffeemugs.Shestudiedthetiledfloor,therowsofspicesandrackscrammedwithhangingpotsandpans.
“Here’stheicemachine.”Eloisewalkedtothecooler,liftingthelid.“Helpyourself.”
“Allright.”Memphis’svoicewasnomorethanamurmurasshetuckedalockofhairbehindanear.She’dpromisedyesterdaytobequiet.Iguesssheintendedtokeepthatvowatthehoteltoo.
IglancedatEloise,thenjerkedmychintothedoor.Thetourwasover.Thiswasakitchen.Justacommercialkitchenwithbrightlightsandshinyappliances.AndIwasbusy.Thiswasmytimealonetobreatheandthink.
ButdidEloisetakethehintandleave?
Ofcoursenot.Shetookupspaceagainstmytableandleaned.Whythefuckwassheleaning?
Iclampedmyteethtogetherandpickedupmyknife,grippingthehandleuntilmyknuckleswerewhite.NormallyI’dtellEloisetoscram,butIwasmakingniceatthemoment.Verynice.
ThisnicenesswasthereasonI’dagreedtoletMemphiscrashintheloftabovemygarage.Mysisterhadaskedforafavor,andatthemoment,Iwasgrantingthemall.Soonenough,we’dhaveadifficultconversation.OneI’dbeendreadingandavoiding.Onethatwouldchangeourrelationship.
Untilthen,I’dletherinvademykitchenandallowhernewestemployeetostayatmyhome.
“Sothat’sthehotel,”EloisetoldMemphis.
“It’sbeautiful,”Memphissaid.“Truly.”
Eloisecircledtheroomwithafinger.“Knoxrenovatedthekitchenandrestaurantlastwinter.That’swhenmyparentsannexedthebuildingnextdoorforevents.”
“Ah.”Memphisnodded,stilllookinganywherebutatme.
Thecrunchofcilantrobeneathmyknifefilledthesilence.
Myparentsownedtheactualhotel,TheEloiseInn,buttherestaurantandkitchenweremine.Thebuildingitselfwe’dincorporatedasaseparateentity,thesharessplitequallybetweenus.
Originally,thisspacehadbeenasmallerindustrialkitchenattachedtoabasicballroom.They’drentedoutthespaceforweddingsandevents,butwhenI’dmovedhomefromSanFranciscoyearsago,I’dfilledtheroomwithtables.Ithadworkedasarestaurantforawhile,butithadlackedstyleandflow.WhenI’dtoldMomandDadthatIwantedtoconvertittoanactualrestaurant,they’djumpedatthechancetoexpandthehotel’sfootprintandgrabthebuildingnextdoor.
Accordingtoourprojections,theannexwouldpayforitselfwithinthenextfiveyears.Myrenovationswouldpayforthemselvesinthreeassumingthetrafficattherestaurantdidn’tdieoff.ConsideringIhadtheonlyupscalerestaurantintown,I’dhappilycorneredthatmarket.
“WouldyoumindifIsteppedoutforaminute?”MemphisaskedEloise.“I’dliketojustcallandcheckinwithDrake’sdaycare.Makesurehe’sdoingallright.”
“Sure.”Eloisestoodstraight,escortinghertothedoorandfinallyleavingmeinpeace.
Iputthecilantroasideandwenttothewalk-intograbahandfuloftomatoes.ThenIshovedthesleevesofmywhitechef’scoat,notyetstained,upmyforearmsbeforeIresumedchopping.
CouldIrunthishotel?DidIevenwantto?Changewasonthehorizon.Thereweredecisionstomake,andIdreadedthemall.
Beyondtherenovations,alothadchangedhereinthepastyear.Mostly,myparents’attitude.Besidesourfamily’sranch,TheEloiseInnhadbeentheirmosttime-consumingbusinessventure.Theirdesiretokeepafingeronthehotel’spulsewasdwindling.Fast.
NowthatDadhadretiredfromrunningtheranchandhandedcontroltomyolderbrotherGriffin,MomandDadseemedinahurrytooffloadtherestoftheirbusinessventurestouskids.
That,andDadhadgottenspooked.AsUncleBriggs’sdementiaprogressed,Dadhadallbutconvincedhimselfthathe’dbenext.Whilehismindwasfresh,hewantedhisestatesettled.
GriffinhadalwayslovedtheEdenranch.Thelandwasapartofhissoul.Maybethatwaswhytherestofushadn’ttakenaninterestinthecattlebusiness.BecauseGriffinwastheoldestandhadclaimedthatpassionfirst.Ormaybethatpassionwasjustapartofhisblood.Ourfamilyhadranchedforgenerationsandhe’dinheritedajoyforitbeyondanythingtherestofuscouldcomprehend.
MomalwayssaidthatDadgavehisloveoftheranchtoGriffinwhileshe’dpassedherloveofcookingtomysisterLylaandme.
Mydreamhadalwaysbeentorunarestaurant.Lyla’stoo,thoughshepreferredsomethingsmall,andowningEdenCoffeefitherperfectly.
Taliahadn’ttakenaninterestinanyofthefamilybusinessessoshe’dusedherinheritanceofbrainstoattendmedicalschool.
Mateowasstillyoung.Attwenty-three,hehadn’tyetdecidedwhathewantedtodo.HeworkedontheranchforGriffin.HepulledafewshiftseveryweekforEloise,coveringwhenshewasshortstaffedatthefrontdesk—whichwasoften
EloiselovedTheEloiseInnandworkingasthehotel’smanager.
Mysisterwasthepulseofthishotel.SheloveditlikeIlovedcooking.LikeGriffinlovedranching.Butmyparentshadn’tapproachedherabouttakingover.
Instead,they’dcometome.
Theirreasonsweresolid.Iwasthirtyyearsold.Eloisewastwenty-five.Ihadmoreexperiencewithbusinessmanagementandmoredollarsinmybankaccounttofallbackon.AndthoughEloiselovedthishotel,shehadasoftandgentleheart.
ItwasthereasonMomandDadhadjustcomeoutofanastylawsuit.
Hertenderheartwasalsothereasonshe’dhiredMemphis.
That,anddesperation.
OurproximitytoGlacierNationalParkbroughtpeoplefromacrosstheworldtoQuincy.TouristsflockedtothisareaofMontana.GiventhatTheEloisewasourtown’sbesthotel,duringthesummermonths,wewerebookedsolid.
Turnoverinthehousekeepingdepartmentwasconstantandwe’drecentlylosttwoemployeestodeskjobs.Theirvacancieshadbeenopenforsixweeks.
Eloisehadtakentocleaningrooms.SohadMateo.SohadMom.Withtheholidayrushfastapproaching,wecouldn’taffordtobeunderstaffed.WhenMemphishadappliedandagreedtomovetoQuincy,Eloisehadbeenecstatic.
NotonlywasMemphisanablehumanbody—asexy,lithebodyatthat—butshewasalsosooverqualifiedforahousekeepingjobthat,atfirst,Eloisehadthoughtherapplicationajoke.Aftertheirvirtualinterview,Eloisehadsaiditwasreallyadreamcometrue.
I’dbeenhappyformysisterbecausesolidhireswerehardtofind.ThathappinesshadlastedawholeweekuntilEloisehadshownupatmydoorstepandbeggedmetoletMemphisliveintheloft.
Ifavoredasolitarylife.Ipreferredtogohometoanemptyhouse.Ilikedpeaceandquiet.
There’dbenoneofthatwithMemphisandherbabyintheloft.Thatkidhadcriedforhourslastnight,soloudI’dhearditallthewayfromthegarage.
TherewasareasonI’dbuiltmyhouseonJuniperHillandnotonaplotontheranch.Distance.Myfamilycouldvisitandiftheyneededtospendthenightbecausetheydranktoomuch,well…theycouldcrashintheloft.Nopavement.Notraffic.Noneighbors.
Mysanctuary.
Untilnow.
“It’stemporary,”Itoldmyselfforthethousandthtime.
TheswingingdoorthatledtotherestaurantflewopenandEloisewaltzedinoncemore,awidesmileonherface.
Iglancedpasthershoulder,lookingforMemphis,butEloisewasalone.“What’sup?”
“Whatareyoumaking?”Shehoveredovermyshoulder.
“Picodegallo.”Ididn’thaveahugemenu,butitwasenoughtogivethelocalsandhotelguestssomevariety.Eachweekend,thedinnermenufeaturedaspecialentrée.Butforthemostpart,breakfastandlunchwereconsistent.
“Yum.WillyoumakeMemphisaplateoftacos?”
Theknifeinmyhandfroze.“What?”
“Orwhateverelseyouhaveonhand.Inoticedthatshedidn’tbringanythingwithherthismorning.”
Theclockonthewallshoweditwastenthirty.Mytwowaitresseswereinthediningroom,rollingsilverwareintoclothnapkinsandrefillingsaltandpeppershakers.Mondaysweren’ttypicallybusy,buttheyweren’tquieteither.
Therewasnosuchthingasquietthesedays.
Apparentlynotevenatmyownhomeorkitchen.
“Idon’tmaketheotherhousekeeperslunch.”
“Knox,please.Shejustgothere.Idoubtshe’sevenhadachancetogettothegrocerystore.”
“Thenletherleaveearly.Youdon’tneedhercleaningtoday.”
“No,butwehavepaperworktodo.Andorientationvideos.Igettheimpressionthatshe’dlikethehours.Daycareisexpensive.Please?”
Isighed.Please.Eloisewieldedthatsinglewordthewayawarriorwouldasword.AndIwasbeingnice.“Fine.”
“Thankyou.”Shepluckedatomatocubefromthecuttingboardandpoppeditintohermouth.
“What’sherstory?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“ThatbabyisthesameageasHudson.”Ournephewwastwomonthsold,andWinslow,thoughshepulledashifthereandthere,wasstillonmaternityleave.“Isn’tthatyoungtohaveakidindaycarefull-time?”
“She’sasingleworkingmother,Knox.Noteveryonehastheluxuryofmaternityleave.”
“Igetthatbut…what’sthestorywiththekid’sfather?Why’dshemoveallthewaytoMontanafromNewYork?”Andwhyhadshetakenthatdrivealone?Thatwasn’tasafetrip,especiallywithaninfant.Sheshouldhavehadhelp.Howdidaneducated,gorgeouswomanenduptravelingacrossthecountryalonewithababyandwhatseemedlikeeveryoneofherpossessionsstuffedintoaVolvo?
“Idon’tknowbecauseit’snoneofmybusiness.IfMemphiswantstotalkaboutit,shewill.”Eloisenarrowedhergaze.“Whyareyouasking?I’musuallythecuriousone.Notyou.”
“She’slivingatmyhouse.”
“Afraidshe’sgoingtomurderyouinyoursleep?”Eloiseteased,stealinganothertomato.
“I’dliketoknowwho’sonmyproperty.”
“Mynewemployee,whosepersonallifeisherown.AndamothernewtoQuincy.Whichiswhyyou’regoingtomakeherlunch.BecauseI’mguessingshehasn’thadanyonemakeheramealinweeks.Fastfooddoesn’tcount.”
Ifrownedandstalkedthroughthekitchen,swipingupamixingbowl,anonionandalime.
Onceagain,Eloisewasgettingattachedtoanemployee.Afterthelawsuit,bothMomandDadhadwarnedhertokeepprofessionalboundaries.ButwhereMemphiswasconcerned,Eloisehadalreadycrossedthem.
SohadI,thedayI’dagreedtoletastrangewomanandherchildmoveontomyproperty.
Eloisecheckedtheclock.“I’llbeatthefrontdeskfortherestoftheday.Memphisisgoingtoworkonpaperworkinthestaffloungeandthengothroughorientationvideos.WhattimeshouldIsendherhereforlunch?”
“Eleven.”Memphiscouldeatwiththerestofusbeforethelunchrushhit.“Youneedtofindoutmoreaboutherstory.”
“Ifyou’resocurious,youaskherwhenshecomesintoeat.”Eloisesmiledhervictorioussmileanddisappeared.
Damn.Ilovedmysister,butalongwiththatbigheart,shewasnaive.Otherthanherfouryearsawayforcollege,she’donlylivedinQuincy.Thiscommunitylovedher.Shedidn’trealizejusthowdeviousandhorriblepeoplecouldbe.
Memphishadn’tdoneanythingworrisome.Yet.ButIdidn’tlikehowlittleweallknewaboutherstory.Thereweretoomanyunansweredquestions.
Ishovedtheworriesaside,focusingontheprepI’dbeendoingsincefivethismorning.Mydaysstartedearly,workingbeforeweopenedtherestaurantforhotelguestsatseven.Aftermakingahandfulofomeletsandscramblesthismorning,I’dbeengearingupfortonight’smeals.Mysouschef,Roxanne,wouldbecookingdinnertonightsoIcouldhaveaneveningoff.
Theminutespassedtooquicklyandwhenthedooropened,Iglancedattheclocktoseeitwasexactlyeleven.
“Hi.”Memphisgavemeawhisperofasmile.
Withanactualsmile,she’dbemorethantrouble.She’dbeahurricaneleavingdevastationinherwake.
“Um…Eloisesaidsomethingaboutcominginforlunch.”
“Yeah.”InoddedtotheoppositesideofthetablewhereIkeptafewstools.“Haveaseat.”
“Idon’tneedanything.Really.I’msureyou’rebusy,andIdon’twanttointrude.”
BeforeIcouldrespond,Eloisebreezedthroughthedoorwithmylinecook,Skip,rightbehindher.“You’renotintruding.”
“Hey,Knox.”SkipglancedatMemphis,hisfootstepsstutteringashedidhisowndoubletake.
Memphis’sbeautyturnedheadstwice.
“We’remakinglunch.”IpointedforSkiptoputonanapron.
Introductionscouldwait.Atthemoment,IjustwantedtomakethismealandsendEloiseandMemphisontheirwaysoIcouldconcentratewithoutMemphis’schocolate-browneyestrackingmyeverymove.
ButdidSkipgetanapronofftherowofhooks?No.Becauseapparentlynoonewaslisteningtometoday.
“I’mSkip.”Heheldouthishand.
“Memphis.”
“Beautifulnameforabeautifullady.WhatcanImakeyouforlunch?”Heheldherhandforamomenttoolongwithastupidgrinonhisface.
“Tacos,”Isnapped,roundingthetabletogetapackageoftortillas.“We’rehavingtacos.Orwewouldbeifyou’dletgoofherhandandgettowork.”
“Ignorehim.”Skiplaughedbutreleasedherhandandwenttopullanapronoverhishead.Finally.Hetiedhisgrayinghairoutofhisfacebeforegoingtothesinktowashhishands.Theentiretimeheworkedthesoapintoalather,hestaredatMemphis.
“Skip,”Ibarked.
“What?”Hesmirked,knowingexactlywhathewasdoing.
SkiphadworkedinmykitchensinceI’dmovedhomefiveyearsago.ThiswasthefirsttimeI’deverwantedtofirehim.
“SoKnoxownstherestaurant,”Eloisesaid,gettingbothherandMemphisaglassofwater.“Myparentsownthehotel.Theremightbetimeswhenweaskyoutohelprunroomservicedeliveries,justdependingonhowbusyweare.It’ssortofanall-hands-on-deckapproacharoundhere.”
“I’mhappytohelpwithwhateverisneeded.Doyoualsorunabarservice?Orjusthavethein-roomfridges?”Memphisasked.
“What’sabarservice?”Eloiseasked.
“Oh,it’sanewertrend,”shesaid.“Mostupscalehotelsinthemajorcitiesofferabarservice,likeBloodyMarycartsdeliveredtoindividualroomsoranon-callservicetothehotel’sbar.”
Eloise’sfacelitup.
Shit.“Nobarservice.”Isquashedthatbrainchildbeforeitgrewlegs.“Wedon’thaveafullbarhere.AllIservearebeerandwine.Bothareincludedontheroomservicemenu,whichisdifferentthantherestaurant’smenu.”
“Gotit.”Memphistookasipofherwater,hergazedartingtomyhandsasIbeganplating.
SkipmadeshortworkofgrillingtheshrimpI’dhadinaquickmarinade.
Memphis’seyeswidenedasheplacedsixonherplate,likethiswasthefirstrealmealshe’dhadinawhile.“So,um…howdoesChiefEdenfitintoyourfamily?”
“She’smarriedtoouroldestbrother,Griffin,”Eloiseexplained.“Therearesixofus.Howaboutyou?Anybrothersorsisters?”
“Onesister.Onebrother.”
“Maybethey’llcomeouttovisit.Wegiveemployeesaten-percentdiscount.”
Memphisshookherhead,hergazedroppingtothetable.“We’renot,um…close.”
Thatexplainedwhyhersisterorbrotherhadn’tcometoMontanawithher.Mysiblingsdrovemebat-shitcrazy,butIcouldn’timaginelifewithoutthem.Butwhataboutherparents?Memphisdidn’tofferanythingelse,andEloise,whoIcouldnormallycountontobenosyashell,didn’task.
Myhandsmovedautomaticallytoassembletwoplates,andwhentheywereready,Islidthemacrossthetable.
“Thankyou.”Memphisinchedtheplatecloser,carefullyfoldingatacobeforetakingabite.
Somechefsdidn’tlikewatchingpeopleeattheirfood.Theyfearedtherawreaction.Notme.Ilovedwatchingthatfirstbite.Inmyearlydaysatculinaryschool,I’dlearnedfromexpressions,bothgoodandbad.
ExceptIshouldhavelookedaway.
Memphismoaned.Asmiletuggedatthecornerofherlips.
AnyotherpersonandI’dgivemyselfapatonthebackandtakeitasajobwelldone.
WithMemphis,myheartthumpedandasurgeofbloodracedtomygroin.Watchinghereatwaserotic.Onlyoneotherwomanhadhadthesameimpact.Andshe’dfuckedmeoverruthlessly.
Trouble.Goddamntrouble.IneededMemphisoutofmykitchenand,beforelong,outofmyloft.
“Thisisamazing,”shesaid.
“It’sjusttacos,”Igrumbled,focusingontheotherplates.Ididn’twanthercompliments.I’drathershehatethefood.
“Knoxisthebest,”Eloisesaid,takingherownbite.
“It’sbeenalongtimesinceanyonehascookedforme.”Memphisscoopedaspoonfulofmyfreshpico,readyinghernextbite.“UnlessyoucountRonaldMcDonald.”
Eloise’smouthwastoofullforhertospeakbutthatdidn’tmatter.Itoldyousowaswrittenalloverherface.Herphonerangandshepluckeditupfromthetable,mufflingagroanassheswallowed.“I’vegottotakethis.Comefindmewhenyou’redone,”shetoldMemphisbeforepickingupherplateandscurryingoutoftheroom.
Thedoorbellatthealleydoorbuzzed.OurfoodsuppliercameeveryMonday.Blesshimforbeingthreehoursearly.Itwastheperfectexcusetoescapethiskitchen,butbeforeIcouldmakeamove,Skipshutofftheflattopanduntiedhisapron.“I’llgetit.Youeat.”
“Thanks,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.
Ididn’ttakemyplatetothestoolbesideMemphis.Iinhaledatacowhilestandingbesidethepreptable.ThesoundofourchewingmixedwithSkip’smutedvoiceashechattedwiththedeliverydriver.
Thenaphonerang.
Memphisputherfooddownanddugherphonefromherpocket.Shefrownedatthescreen,thensilencedthecall.Nottwosecondslater,itrangagain.Shedeclinedittoo.“Sorry.”
“Doyouneedtogetthat?”
“No,it’sfine.”Exceptthestrainonherfacesaiditwasn’tfine.Andshedidn’ttouchherfoodagain.Whatthehell?“Thankyouforlunch.Itwasdelicious.”
Iwavedheroffwhenshestoodtoclearherplate.“Justleaveit.”
“Oh,okay.”Shewipedherhandsonhergrayslacks.Herblacksweaterhungonhershoulders,likeithadoncefitbutnowwastooloose.Thenshewasgone,rushingoutofthekitchenwithherphoneclutchedinhergrip.
Skipcamedownthehallwaywithabox,settingitonthetable.Thedeliveryguyfollowedwithadolly.
Isignedfortheorder,thenbeganputtingmyproduceawayinthewalk-in.
“Sowhowasthat?”Skipasked.“Newfrontdeskclerk?”
“Housekeeper.”
Hegrinned.“She’salooker.Youinterested?”
“No,”Ilied,pickingupanappletorunmythumbacrossthetaut,waxyskin.“Oncethelunchrushisover,let’smakeanapplepieortwoforthedinnerdessertmenu.”
Inanotherlife,anotherworld,I’dchaseawomanlikeMemphis.ButI’dspentthelastfiveyearsinreality.
Shewasahotelemployee.Mytemporarytenant.Nothingmore.
MemphisWardwasnoneofmydamnbusiness.CHAPTERTHREEMEMPHIS
Thenumbersonthemicrowave’sclocktauntedmeasIpacedthelengthoftheloft.Witheveryturn,thegreenglowcaughtmyeyeandearnedasighofdespair.
Threenineteen.
Drakehadbeencryingsinceone.
I’dbeencryingsincetwo.
“Baby.”Ateardrippeddownmycheek.“Idon’tknowwhattodoforyou.”
Hewailed,hisfaceredandhisnosescrunched.HelookedasmiserableasIfelt.
I’dfedhimabottle.I’dchangedhisdiaper.I’dswaddledhim.I’dunswaddledhim.I’drockedhiminmyarms.I’dproppedhimagainstashoulder.
Nothinghadworked.NothingIwasdoingwouldmakehimstopcrying.
NothingIwasdoingwas…right.
Didallnewmothersfeelthishelpless?
“Shh.Shh.Shh.”Iwalkedtowardanopenwindow,needingsomefreshair.“It’sokay.Itwillbeokay.”
BeforeI’dleftNewYork,hispediatricianhadtoldmethatcolictypicallypeakedatsixweeksold,thenbegantodecline.ButDrake’sseemedtobegettingworse.
Hislegsstiffened.Hiseyesweresqueezedshut.Hesquirmed,likethelastpersononearthhewantedtobestuckwithwasme.
“It’sokay,”Iwhisperedasmychinquivered.Thiswouldpass.Eventually,thiswouldpass.He’dneverknowhowhe’dtormentedmeasaninfant.He’dneverknowthatIwashoveringaboverockbottom.He’dneverknowthatbeingamotherwassodamnhard.
He’dsimplyknowthatIlovedhim.
“Iloveyou,baby.”Ikissedhisforeheadandclosedmyeyes.
God,Iwastired.I’dstoppednursingbecausehe’dbeensofussy.Maybethathadbeenamistake.Theexpensive,sensitive-tummyformulathatwassupposedtohelponlydrainedmybankaccount.
Myfeethurt.Myarmshurt.Mybackhurt.
Myhearthurt.
MaybeIwasinovermyhead.Maybethismovehadbeenahorribleidea.Butthealternative…
Therehadn’tbeenanalternative.AndsinceI’dbeenherelessthanaweek,Iwasn’treadytocallthisamistake.Notyet.
Don’tgiveup.
“Onemoreday,right?We’llmakeitonemoreday,thenrestthisweekend.”
Tomorrow—ortoday—I’dbesplurgingonatriple-shotlattebeforegoingtothehotel.CaffeinewouldgetmethroughmyFriday.Andthisweekend,we’drecharge.
Ionlyhadtosurviveonemoreday.
MyfirstfourdaysatTheEloiseInnhadflownby.Monday,I’dspentdoingpaperworkandorientation.Tuesday,I’djumpedintocleaning.Afterthreedaysofscrubbing,dusting,vacuumingandmakingbeds,everymuscleinmybodyached.MusclesIhadn’tevenknownexistedwerescreaming.
Butithadbeenagoodweek.Granted,thebarforgooddayswasn’tallthathigh,butwe’dmadeittoThursday—orFriday—andthatwasawin.
Drakehadbeenanangelatdaycare.EveryeveningwhenI’dpickedhimup,I’dbracedfornewsofanexpulsion.ButDrakeseemedtosavethesefitsforthenight.Forthedarkhourswhentheonlypersonaroundtohearhimcrywasme.
Dryingthelastofmytears,Isteppedawayfromthewindowandresumedpacing.Hiscryingdidn’tseemasloudwhenIwasmoving.
“Shh.”Ibouncedhimsoftly,cradlinghiminonearmasmyotherhandrubbedhisbelly.Maybeitwasgas.I’dtriedthedropsbeforeI’dputhiminhiscribateight.ShouldIgivehimmore?
Motherhood,I’dlearnedinthepasttwomonths,wasnothingmorethanaritualofsecond-guessingyourself.
Iyawned,dragginginalongbreath.Theenergytocrywaswaning.I’dletmysoncarrythattorchfortherestofthenight.
“Wanttotryyourbinkyagain?”Iasked,walkingtothekitchencounterwhereI’dleftitearlier.I’dtrieditaroundtwothirty.He’dspititout.
“Here,baby.”Irantheplasticacrosshismouth,hopinghe’dtakeit.Hesuckedonitforasecond,andforthatsecond,theloftwassoquietIcouldactuallyhearmyownthoughts.Thenthebinkywentsailingtothefloorandifbabiescouldtalk,hewouldhavetoldmetoshovethatplasticnippleimposterupmyass.
Hiscrieshadthisstaccatorhythmwithahitcheachtimeheneededtobreathe.
“Oh,baby.”Myeyesflooded.Apparently,mytearshadn’tvanishedafterall.“WhatamIdoingwrong?”
Apoundingshookthedoor,cuttingthroughDrake’snoise.
Iyelped.Shit.Thelightfromoutsidewasbrighter.I’dbeensofocusedonthebabyIhadn’tnoticedwhenKnox’sbedroomlighthadturnedon.Iswipedatmyface,doingmybesttodryitwithjustonehand,thenIrushedtothedoor,seeingKnoxthroughthesmall,squarewindowinitsface.
Oh,hedidnotlookhappy.
Iflippedthedeadboltandwhippedthedooropen.“I’msorry.I’msosorry.Iopenedthewindowsforsomeairbecauseitwasstuffyanddidn’teventhinkyoumighthearhim.”
Knox’sdarkhairwasdisheveled.ThesleevesofhisgrayT-shirthadbeencutoff,revealinghissculptedarms.Inthemoonlight,theblackinkoftattoosblendedalmostinvisiblywithhistannedskin.Thesweatpantsheworehunglowonhisnarrowwaist,drapingtohisbarefeet.
He’dcrossedthegraveldrivewaywithoutshoes.
Igulped.Eitherhehadreallytoughfeetorhewasreallypissed.Giventhetensioninhisjaw,probablythelatter.
“Sorry.”IglanceddownatDrake,willinghimtostop.Pleasestop.Fiveminutes.Thenyoucanscreamuntildawn.Juststopforfiveminutes.
“Ishesick?”Knoxfistedhishandsonhiships.
“Hehascolic.”
Knox’sbroadchestroseashedrewinalongbreath.Heranahandoverhisstubbledjawbeforecrossinghisarmsoverhischest.God,hehadalotofmuscles.Thescowlonhisfaceonlyaddedtohisappeal.
OldMemphisalwayswantedtocomeoutandplaydirtywhenKnoxwasaround.Shewantedtotugatthelongstrandsofhairthatcurledathisnape.
Pleasestop.Thatonewasforme,notDrake.There’dbetimetofantasizeaboutKnoxlater,likewhenDrakewaseighteenandheadedofftocollege.I’dlockthismentalimageawayforatimewhenmykidwasn’tscreamingandIhadn’tbeencrying.WhenI’dsleptformorethantwohoursinarow.
“Doeshealwayscry?”Knoxasked.
“Yes.”Thetruthwasasdepressingasitwouldhavebeentolie.“I’llshutmywindows.”
Knoxdroppedhisgazetomysonandtheexpressionofpainthatcrossedhisfacemademewanttoclimbinmycaranddrivefar,faraway.
“I’msorry,”Iwhispered.
ToKnox.ToDrake.
Anotherdepressingtruth.ThatapologywasallIhadtogive.
Knoxdidn’tsayanotherwordashedescendedthestairs,thencrossedthespacebetweenthegarageandthehouse,wincingatafewstepsonthegravel,beforedisappearingintohishouse.
Apartmenthuntingjustgotbumpeduptheto-dolist.
“Damn.”Isteppedontothelanding,lettingthecoolairsoothetheflushofmyface.“Baby,weneedtogetthisundercontrol.Wecan’tgetkickedout.Notyet.”
Drakeletoutanothercryandthen,likehecouldsensemydesperation,suckedinahitchedbreathandclosedhismouth.
Ifroze,lettingthenightairslippastusintotheapartment.Iheldmybreathandcountedseconds,wonderinghowlongitwouldlast.
Drakesquirmedandletoutawhimper,butthenhiseyesdriftedshut.
Sleep.Please,sleep.
Hischestshookwiththeaftershocksofsuchamassivefit.Thehitchesrackedhistinybody,buthesnuggleddeeperintomyarmsandgaveupthefight.
“Thankyou.”Itippedmyheadtothestars.Eachwasajewelscatteredonblacksilkcoatedindiamonddust.Thereweresomanyouthere,morethanI’deverseeninmylife.“Wow.”
ThelightinKnox’sbedroomturnedoff.
Wasthiskarma’sdoing,puttingmenextdoortoamansofine?WasthishertesttoseeifItrulyhadchanged?
Ayearago,Iwouldhavebattedmyeyelashesanddonnedmysexiestdresswithsix-inchheels.IwouldhaveflirtedandteaseduntilhepaidmetheattentionIcraved.Then,whenI’dtiredofthegame,Iwouldhavewornmyruby-redlipstickandleftstreaksoverhisentirebody.
ThatlipsticktubewassomewhereinNewYork,inaboxwithmysexiestdressesandsix-inchheels.Maybemyparentshadtossedthatboxinthetrash.Maybeoneoftheirassistantshadstoweditinastorageroomwhereitwouldcollectdustforyears.
Noneofitmattered.
Ihadnoneedforlipstick,nothere.
AndIsuspectedthatKnoxwasn’tyourtypicalman.Heprobablywouldhavelaughedatanattempttoturnhimintomypersonaltoy.Ilikedthatabouthim.
AyawnforcedmyeyesawayfromtheheavensandIretreatedinside.RatherthanrisklayingDrakeinhiscribandwakinghimup,Itookhimtomybed,blockinghiminwithsomepillows.ThenIcurledupathissidewithmyhandonhisbelly.
There’donlybeonemaninmybed.
Mylittleman.
Whenmyalarmrangatsix,Ijoltedawake,groggierthanIhadbeeninyears.Drakewasstillasleep,soIlefthimonthebedandhurriedthroughashower.Wehadnocoffeepotintheloft,probablybecauseanyofKnox’sguestswouldsimplywalktohisgigantickitchenforamorningcup.
IfIhadenoughcashafterrentanddaycareandgasandfoodandformulaanddiapersandafewnewoutfitsforDrakebecausehewasgrowingoutofhisothers,I’dbuyamakerwithmyfirstpaycheck.OrI’djustdrinkthefreecoffeeatthehotelbecauseIalreadyknewtherewouldn’tbemoney.
Thatwordhadchangedintwoshortmonths.Once,moneyhadbeenaconcept.Anafterthought.Now,itwasaluxurylost.
I’dtradeditformyson.
DrakewokeasIswappedouthispajamasforclothesandIyawnedsomanytimesasIgothimreadyfordaycarethatmyjawhurt.NoteventhebrightmorningsuncouldchaseawaythebrainfogasIsteppedoutsideandrushedtomycar.
Knox’struckwasgonealready.Atfirst,I’dassumedheparkedinthegarage,butI’dsincelearnedheparkedoutside,closertothehouse.
“Ooo-ooh,”Drakecooedashiscarseatclickedintothebase.
“Friday,baby.Let’smakeitthroughourFriday,okay?”
Daycaredrop-offwaspainful,likeithadbeenpainfuleverymorningthisweek.IhatedleavingDrakewithanotherperson.Ihatedmissinghishappyhours.Butitwasn’tlikeIcouldcleanhotelroomswithababystrappedtomychest.
Therewasnochoice.ThemoneyI’dsavedfrommyjobinNewYorkwasnearlygone.Most,I’dusedtobuytheVolvo.Therestwasstashedincaseofanemergency.
SoDrakewouldgotodaycare.
WhileIcarvedoutalifeforuswithmyowntwohands,sweatandtears.
MainStreetwasmyfavoritepartofthislittletown.ItwastheheartandhubofQuincy.Retailshops,restaurantsandofficescrowdedtheblocks.TheEloisestoodproudasthetallestbuildinginsight.
IglancedlonginglyatEdenCoffeeasIdroveby.EloisehadtoldmethatheroldersisterLylaownedit.Latteshadoncebeenastapleofmydiet.AndthoughIhadatwentyinmypurseandhadplannedtosplurge,Icouldn’tbringmyselftostop.
Notwhenthecoffeeatthehotelwasfree.
Twentydollarswasoveranhour’sworthofwork.
IparkedinthealleybehindTheEloise,grabbingmypurseandthesmallplasticcontainerthatheldmypeanutbuttersandwich.Nojelly.It,likethelatte,wasanindulgencethatmustwait.ThebestmealI’deateninweekshadbeenKnox’stacos.Whywasitsosexythatamancouldcook?NomanI’deverdatedhadcookedmeameal.
Knox’struckwasinthespaceclosesttotheemployeeentrance.Hadhebeenabletosleeplastnight?Orhadheescapedtotherestaurantafterwe’dwokenhimup?
“I’msogettingevicted.”Butthankstomydad,itwouldn’tbethefirsttime.
Achimejingledinmypocket.OneglanceatthescreenandIsilencedthenoise.AnytimeIseemedtothinkaboutNewYork,myphonewouldring.
Thirty-seven.Thatmadethirty-sevencallsinaweek.Asshole.
Ihurriedinside,findingEloiseinthestaffroom,fillingacoffeemug.
“Goodmorning,”IsaidasIstowedmythingsinalocker.HopefullyI’dcoveredupthedarkcirclesbeneathmyeyeswiththelastofmyconcealer.
“Morning.”Shesmiled.Eloisealwayshadasmile.
I’dlearnedyesterdaythatwewerebothtwenty-five.Hertwenty-fiveseemedmuchlighterthanmyown.Ienviedthat.Ienviedhersmile.HadshebeenanyonebutEloise,Iprobablywouldhavehatedherforit.ButEloisewasimpossiblenottolove.
Shovingmylunchinthefridge,Iwenttothetimeclockandpunchedmycard.Oldfashioned,likethehotel.Formyfirsthourlyjob,Ilikedthethunkofthemachineasitstamped.ThenIrushedtothecupboardforamug,fillingittothebrimfromthepot.Thefirstsipwastoohotbutthatdidn’tstopmefromblowingacrossthetop,thentakinganotherdrink,scaldingtongueandall.
“Thismightsavemylife.”
Eloiselaughed.“Longnight?”
“Drakewasupforacoupleofhours.”Icringed.“WewokeupKnox.”
“Ah.That’swhyhecameinsoearly.Thenightclerksaidheshowedaroundfour.Usuallyhe’snotinuntilfive.”
“Ohno.”Iclosedmyeyes.“I’msorry.IpromiseI’llgetonfindinganewplace.”
“You’refine.”Eloisewaveditoff.“Besides,thereisn’tanotherplace,andIneedyou.”
Itwasnicetohearsomeonesaytheyneededme.Ihadn’theardthatin,well…inalongtime.“Thankyou,Eloise.”
“Whatfor?”
“Fortakingachanceonme.Andforgivingmesuchagoodschedule.”
Eloisehadgivenmetheweekdayshift.Iwasheretocleanasguestscheckedoutoftheirrooms,fromeightuntilfive,MondaythroughFriday.Theweekendshiftpaidmore,butwithoutdaycare,itwasn’tanoption.
“I’mgladyou’rehere,”shesaid.“Ihopeyou’reenjoyingit.”
“Iam.”Cleaningroomswashonestwork.Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchmyhearthadneededsomethingtrueandreal.AndpartofmeloveditsimplybecauseIimaginedmyfamilycringingatthethoughtofmeinyellowrubbergloves.
Hotelshadpaidformyentirelife—firstinNewYork,nowinMontana.Itwasfitting.TheyearsI’dspentinfive-starhotels—andsomeonlinetutorials—hadbeenmyeducationforcleaning.
“Ilovethishotel.”Anothertruth.TheEloiseInnwascharmingandquaintandinviting.Exactlytheatmospherethatmanyhotelsstrivedtocreateandfewachieved.
“SodoI,”shesaid.
“Okay,well,I’dbettergettoit.”Iraisedmymuginsalute.
“I’llbeherealldayifyouneedanything.”Shewalkedoutofthebreakroomwithme,headingtowardthelobbywhileIroundedthecornerforthelaundryroom,wherewekeptthecleaningcartsandthelistofroomsreadytobetackled.
Theotherdayshifthousekeepermustnothavearrivedyetbecausebothcleaningcartswerepushedagainstthewall.IchosetheoneI’dbeenusingallweek,thengrabbedamasterkeycardfromthehookonthewall.Withmycoffeeinonehand,Isteeredthecartwiththeothertowardthestaffelevator.
TheEloiseInnwasfourstorieswiththelargestonthetopfloor.Irodetothetopwhereacouplehadvacatedthebiggestcornerroom.Iworkedtirelesslyfortwohourstogetthatroomandanothertworeadyforthenextguests,yawningtheentiretime.
Bythetimemyfirstfifteen-minutebreakrolledaroundatten,Iwasdeadonmyfeet.Theblackcoffeewasn’tcuttingit.
Acouplepassedmeastheywalkeddownthehallway,eachcarryingto-gocupsfromEdenCoffee,andmystomachgrowled.
Onelatte.I’dgowithoutjellyandfruitfortheweekinexchangeforasinglelatte.
Irushedtogetmywalletfrommylocker,thenIhurriedoutthelobby’sfrontdoors.Threedoorsdownandacrossthestreet,thecutegreenbuildingbeckoned.
Thescentofcoffeebeans,sugarandpastriesgreetedmebeforeIevenreachedtheentrancetoEdenCoffee.Mystomachgrowledlouder.Ihadn’thadbreakfastthismorning,soIdugintomywallet,searchingforenoughchangetoaffordamuffinorascone.
Hell,I’dcleanthecoffeeshop’sbathroomsforacinnamonrollorsliceofbananabread.
Sevenquarters,threedimes,andsixnickelslater,IwasdiggingforanotherquarterwhenIroundedthecornertostepinsidethedoorway.MygazeliftedjustbeforeIcrashedintoaverysolid,verybroadchest.
Mycoinswentflying.
Sodidtheman’scoffee.
“OhmyGod,I’msosorry.”Mygazetraveledup,up,uptoapairoffamiliar,stunningblueeyes.Angryblueeyes.
Knox’sbeardedjawwasclenchedagain,thatfrownfixedonhissupplelips.Inonehandheheldhisowncoffee.Intheother,hisphone.Neitherofushadbeenpayingattention.
Neitherofuswasrunningonmuchsleep.
HisgrayT-shirthadabrownbloboverhissternum.Heshiftedhiscoffeecuptotheotherhand,shakingthedropletsoffhisknuckles.“You’reeverywhere,aren’tyou?”
“Ipromise,I’mnottryingtobotheryou.”
“Tryharder.”
Iflinched.
Hemovedpastmeanddisappearedwithoutanotherword.
Yep,Iwasgettingevicted.
WhichmeantIcouldn’taffordthatlatteafterall.DamnCHAPTERFOURKNOX
Tryharder.
Itwasadickthingtosay.Iblamedlackofsleepformyshorttemper.
“Morning,Knox.”Aloanofficerfromthebankwavedashewalkedmyway,slowinglikehewantedtostopandchat.
“Hey.”Iraisedmycupandkeptongoingtowardthehotel.Givenmymood,itwouldbebettertostayinthekitchentodayandavoidconversation.
Thefallairwascrispandclean.NormallyI’dtakeafewminutestobreatheitin,slowmypace,butatthemoment,allIcouldfocusonwasthecoffeeonmydamnshirt.
DowntownQuincywasquietthismorning.Kidswereinschool.TheshopsandrestaurantsonMainwereopen,butthebustlefromsummerwasmostlyover.PeoplewereenjoyingtheSeptemberlullandrecoveringfromtheirmonthsspentpanderingtotourists.Thiswasthetimewhenlocalstookvacations.
I’dplannedone.Avacationathome.Finishafewprojectsintheyardbeforewinter.FindoutifIstillrememberedhowtoturnonthetelevisionorreadabook.ButwithMemphisthere…
Vacationwascanceled,effectiveimmediately.Ididn’ttrustmyselfaroundher.Notwiththoseprettybrowneyesfleckedwithhoneyandbrimmingwithsecrets.
IsippedthelastofmyAmericanoasIwalked,hopingthehalfcupremainingwouldfuelmethroughthemorning.Insteadofheadingthroughthehotel’sfrontdoors,Iduckedaroundthecorner,followingthelengthofthebrickbuildingtothealleyandtheserviceentrancetotherestaurant.
Thekeywastightinthelock,somethingI’dfixonmycanceledvacation.ThedoorslammedshutbehindmeasIstalkedtowardmysmallofficeoffthekitchen.
MydeskwasclearexceptforthestaffscheduleI’dbeenputtingtogetherthismorning.Billshadbeenpaid.Payrollinformationwasofftomybookkeeper.Onebenefitofbeingherebeforedawnwasthatforthefirsttimeinmonths,myofficeworkwasdonebeforebreakfastinsteadofafterthedinnerrush.
Itossedmycoffeecupinthetrash,thenwenttotheclosetinthecorner,reachingbehindmyheadtoyankoffmyshirt.Withitshovedintoabackpack,ItuggedonthespareshirtIkepthereincaseofspills.
Tryharder.
TheshameonMemphis’sfacewaspunishmentformysharpwords.Whatthehellwasmyproblem?Shelivedintheloft.I’dagreedtolethermovein.Itwastimetostopgrumblinganddeal.
“Damnit.”Iowedheranapology.
TheFridaylunchhourwouldbebusywithplentyoflocalsheretoenjoytheendoftheirweek.Iwascoveringallmealstoday,whichmeantIwouldn’tgethomeuntilafterdark.MywindowtotrackdownMemphiswasnow.SoIstrodeoutoftheofficeandleftthekitchen,weavingthroughtherestaurant.
“Hey,April.”
“Hey.”Shesmiledfromherseatatoneoftheroundtops,whereshewascleaningcheckfolders.“I’malmostdonewiththis.Thenwhatwouldyoulikemetodo?”
“Wouldyoumindcheckingtheketchupbottlesinthewalk-in?”
“Notatall.”Aprilhadonlybeenwaitressinghereforafewmonths,takingthejobaftersheandherhusbandhadmovedtoQuincy.Hewasatruckdriverandgonemoreoftenthannot,whichmeantAprilwasalwaysupforanadditionalshiftbecausehomewasalonelyplace.
“I’llbebackinafew.IfSkipcomesinbeforethen,wouldyoutellhimtostartonthelistIleftonthetable?”
“Surething.”
“Thanks.”Myfootstepsthuddedintheemptyroom.
Therestaurantwasmyfavoritelikethis,whenitwasquietandstill.Soonthere’dbepeopleatthetables,conversationmixingwiththeclinkofsilverwareonplates.ButseeingthetablessetandreadyforcustomerswasabouttheonlytimeIcouldreallyappreciatewhatthisspacehadbecome.Later,whenitwasbusy,I’dbetoofocusedonthefood.
Formostofthebuilding’slife,thishadbeenaballroomwithgaudywallpaper,worncarpettilesandnointimacy.Nowitwasutterlydifferent,savethetallceilings.
Knuckles.
Thevibewasasmoodyandsmoothasthefood.I’dcarvedpocketsoutofthelargespace,shrinkingthenumberoftables.Alongthebackwall,I’dbuiltaroomforthewaitstafftofillwaterandsoda.Besideitwasacoolerforwineandbeer.TherewerenoavailableliquorlicensesinQuincy,butI’dleftspacetoaddabaronedayshouldoneopenup.
Thetableswerearichwalnut.Arowofcaramel-leatherboothshuggedonewall.Ablackgridseparatedacornerforlargediningparties.Oneoftheoriginal,exteriorbrickwallsthathadbeenhiddenbeneathsheetrockhadbeenexposed.Thehangingpendantlightsandsconcescastagoldenglowontothetables.Thewindowsalongthefarwallletinlightduringthedayandaddedtothemoodatnight.
Thiswasmydreamrealized.AndpartofwhyIloveditsomuchwasbecauseIcouldpushthroughtheglassdoorsandwalkintothehotellobby.
Asakid,I’dspentalotofhoursherewithMom.WhileDadhadbeenbusyrunningtheranch,Momhadtakenchargeofthehotel.HowmanycoloringbookshadIfilledsittingbeneathherfeetatthelobby’smahoganyreceptioncounter?HowmanytoycarshadIsentflyingacrossthefloor?HowmanyLegosetshadIbuiltonthefireplace’sstoneledge?
Thiswasthesceneofmyyouth.GriffinhadpreferredtorideshotgunwithDadontheranch.I’dtaggedalongwithMom.WhenI’dmovedhomeafterfinishingculinaryschoolandworkingforyearsinSanFrancisco,ithadn’tevenbeenaquestionofwhereI’dwantedtostartarestaurant.
MomandDadhadbeenrenovatingandupdatingthehotelforthepastfiveyears.Knuckleswasthelastmajorprojectforawhile.Eloisehadsomeideasofherown,butthosewouldhavetowait.
AtleasttheywouldifItookover.
Shewastalkingtoaguestatthereceptioncounter.Iturnedtheoppositedirectionandheadedforthelaundryroom.Oneofthewashingmachineswaschurningwhiletwodryershummedasthesheetsinsidetumbled.TherewasacleaningcartoutsidethebreakroomsoImovedtothedoorway,findingMemphisatthecoffeepot.
Hershoulderswereslumpedforwardasshefilledaceramicmug.Thephoneinherpocketrangandshedugitout,checkingthescreen.Thenasshe’ddoneinmykitchen,shesilenceditandshoveditaway.
“Thirty-nine,”shemumbled.
Thirty-ninewhat?Whowascallingher?Andwhydidn’tsheanswer?
Thosequestionswerenotmybusiness.AndnotwhyIwashere.
“Memphis.”
Shegaspedandjumped,thepotinherhandshaking.“Oh,hi.”
“Sorrytostartleyou.”
“It’sokay.”ShestaredatmycleanT-shirt.“Sorryaboutyourothershirt.”
“It’sfine.”Ieyedthemug.“Youdidn’tgetacoffeefromtheshop?”
“No,I,um…justchangedmymind.Thiscoffeeisgood.”
Thatwasadamnlie.Itwasbitterandboring,hencewhyIwenttoLyla’seachmorningforespresso.
Whenwe’dcollided,I’dbeenfocusedonmycup,wishingIhadputalidonit.WishingIhadn’tbeentextingTalia.I’dsentheranotethismorningaskingifitwasnormalforatwo-month-oldbabytocrysofuckingmuch.She’drepliedwithyesandaneye-rollemoji.
Memphis’sheadmusthavebeendowntoo.Andthere’dbeenthedistinctsoundofcoinsclatteringoncement.
She’dbeendiggingforchange.Thatwaswhyshehadn’tseenmewalkthroughthedoor.She’dplannedtopayforacoffeewithloosechange.ChangethatI’dknockedoutofherhand.
Maybeshehadn’tcollecteditafterI’dleftheronthesidewalk.Ormaybeshehadn’thadenough.
“Whydidn’tyougetacoffee?”
“Ichangedmymind.”Shetippedhermugtoherlips.Frombeyondtherim,shesentmeaglare.Itwassubtle,butfiresparkedinthosebrowneyes.Ifsheletthatflameblaze,she’dlevelmetothegroundandleavenothingbehindbutash.
“Ifyou’llexcuseme,I’mtryingnottobeeverywhere.”Thenshebreezedpastmeintothehall.
Yeah,I’ddeservedit.Andworse.
Thecleaningcartrattledasshesteereditaway,thentheelevatordoorsdingedastheyclosed.
“Whycan’tIsaynotomysister?”Imutteredbeforereturningtothekitchen,whereSkipwhistledashedicedapileofredpotatoes.
“Morning,”hesaid.
“Morning.”Iswipedacleanwhitecoatfromthehookandbuttoneditup,shovingthesleevesupmyforearms.IwasabouttoreachforaknifewhenIhungmyhead.
I’dgonetoapologizetoMemphis.
Ihadn’tactuallyapologized.Fuck
Thisplantokeepmydistancewasn’tgoingtoworkifittooktwotripstodelivereverymessage.
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose.
“Headache,Knox?”Skipasked.
“Yeah.”HernamewasMemphisWard.
Shehadsmoothskin,flawlessbeneaththemoonlight.Shehaddarkcirclesunderhereyesthatbotheredthehelloutofme.Shehadamen’sblackT-shirtthatsheworeinplaceofpajamas,andasoftenasI’dreplayedlastnight,Icouldn’trememberifshe’dhadapairofshortsonunderneathorjustpanties.
Maybeifwecouldjustcoexist,hergoingonedirectionwhileIwenttheother,we’dsurvivethisshort-termlease.Withsomespace,Icouldbanishallthoughtsofhertonedlegsandpinklips.
“Iforgotsomething,”ItoldSkip,thenmademywaytothelobby.
Eloisewasatthereceptioncounter,perchedonatallchairassheclickedawayatthecomputerscreen.Theguestsshe’dbeentalkingtoearlierwerenowsittingonthecouchinfrontoftheunlitfireplace.Whenmysistersawmecoming,shesmiled.“Hey.What’sup?”
“I’mlookingforMemphis.Isawherheadupstairs.Doyouknowwhatfloorshe’son?”
“Thesecond,Ithink.Why?”
“Nothing.”Iwaveditoff.“Justwantedtotalktoheraboutsomething.”
“How’sitgoingwithheratyourplace?”
“Fine,”Ilied,thenbeforeshecouldaskmorequestions,Istrodetowardthestaircase,preferringitovertheelevators.
WhenIreachedthesecondfloor,Iglanceddownbothsidesofthehallway,spottingthecleaningcarttomyleft.MytennisshoessankintotheplushhallwaycarpetasIwalkedtowardtheroom.Thesmelloflemonfurniturepolishandglasscleanerwaftedfromtheopendoorway.
Ipausedbesidethecart.Hercoffeemugwasproppedbetweenastackofcleanwashclothsandpapertowels.Theblackliquidstillsteamed.WhenIlookedintotheroom,mymouthwentdry.Mycocktwitched.
Memphiswasbentoverthebed,stretchingafittedsheettothemattress.Hertightjeansclungtotheslightcurvesofherhips.Theymoldedtotheperfectshapeofherass.Herblondhairswungoverhershoulderassheworked.
Fuckme.Whyher?WhyhadEloiseputawomanlikeMemphisonmyproperty?Whycouldn’tshehavefoundmeafifty-seven-year-oldretireenamedBarbwhotaughtswimminglessonsatthecommunitycenter?
IthadbeenawhilesinceI’dbeenattractedtoawoman.WhyMemphis?Shewasascomplicatedasduckpatéencro?te.YetIcouldn’tlookaway.
Herphonechimedagainandshestood,diggingitfromherpocket.Shehuffedatthescreenand,likeshe’ddoneinthebreakroom,hitdecline.
“Forty.”
Fortycalls?Memphis’snostrilsflaredasshetuckedthephoneawayandstaredblanklyattheunmadebed.
Whatthehellwasherstory?Curiosityhadmehooked.Whywasshehere?Wasitthekid’sdadwho’dbeencallingnonstop?
Noneofmydamnbusiness.Toomuchdrama.AndI’dswornoffdramaafterGianna.
Iclearedmythroat,steppingpastthecleaningcartlikeIhadn’tbeenwatchingorlistening.“Hey.”
“Oh,um…hey.”Memphis’seyeswidenedasshebrushedastraylockofhairoffherforehead.Thenshecrossedherarmsoverherchest,hergazesparkingwiththatsamefire.
Shewasshort,hergazehittingmemidchest.OrmaybeIwasjusttall.I’dnevergoneforshortwomen.Buttheurgetopickherup,haulhertoeyelevelandkissthatdeliciousmouthhitsohardIhadtoforcemyselfnottomove.
“Didyouneedsomething?”sheasked.
“Cametoapologize.AboutwhatIsaidoutsideLyla’s.I’msorry.”
Hershouldersfell.“I’msorrywewokeyouuplastnight.Ishouldhaveleftthewindowclosedbutitwasstuffy.”
“Don’tworryaboutit.”
Intruth,ithadn’tbeenthekid’scryingthathadwokenmeup.Ithadbeenapairofheadlights.BythetimeI’dshovedoutofbedandblinkedthesleepoffogaway,I’donlycaughttheglowoftaillightsdowntheroad.
I’dchosenJuniperHillbecauseitgotnotraffic.Buteverynowandthen,someonewouldtakeawrongturn.Orhighschoolkidswouldthinkthey’dstumbledonadesertedroadwheretheycouldparkandgoatitinthebackseatonlytocomeuponmyhouse.
Afterthecar,that’swhenI’dheardthekid.OnceI’dheardhiscry,Icouldn’tnothearit.Ithadcarriedthroughthenight,bringingwithitmemoriesI’dtriedforyearstoforget.
“Well…I’mstillsorry,”Memphissaid.
“Doyoualwaysapologizethismuch?”Iteased.Ithoughtmaybeitwouldearnmeasmile.Instead,shelookedlikeshewasabouttocry.
“IguessI’mmakingupfortheapologiesIshouldhavemadebutdidn’t.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Nevermind.”Shewaveditoffwithaflickofherdelicatewrist.“Thankyouforyourapology.”
Inodded,turningtoleave,butstoppedmyself.“Don’tworryaboutthewindow.Leaveitopenatnightifthathelps.”
“Okay.”
Withoutanotherword,whileIcouldstillstopmyselffromaskingmorequestions,Iduckedoutoftheroomandreturnedtomykitchen.
ItwasaftermidnightbythetimeImadeithome.Theskywasdark.Sowastheloft.Islippedinside,strippedoutofmyclothesandrushedthroughashower.
Itwaswarminthehouse,toowarm,soIcrackedawindowbeforefloppingonthebed.Withasheettuggedovermybarelegs,Iwassecondsawayfromsleepwhenapiercingwailsplittheair.
Alightturnedonabovethegarage.Itonlyseemedtomakethatbabyscreamlouder.
Thattinycrywaslikeadaggertomyheart.
Itwasthesoundofadreamlost.Thesoundofafamilygone.
Irolledoutofbedandslammedthewindowclosed.ThenIsnaggedmypillow,carryingittotheothersideofthehouse.WhereIsleptonthecouch.CHAPTERFIVEMEMPHIS
Themicrowaveinthebreakroomdinged.Withmyforkbetweenmylips,Icarriedthesteamingcontainertotheroundtableinthecorner.Lunchwasn’tfancy—noneofmymealswerefancythesedays—butmymouthwateredasIstirredtheyellownoodlesbeforeblowingonabite.Ihadtheforkraisedtomylipswhenalargebodyfilledthedoorframe.
“Whatisthat?”Knoxasked.
Isetmyutensildownandglancedatmyself.“What?”
“Whatareyoueating?”
“Macaroniandcheese.”Duh.Ibitbackthesmart-assremarkanddidn’tpointoutthatmostchefswerefamiliarwiththeconceptofmac’n’cheese.IwastreadinglightlywhereKnoxwasconcerned.Well…whereeveryonewasconcernedbutespeciallyhim.
Ithadbeennearlyaweeksinceourcoffeecollision,andI’donlyseenhiminpassing.UntilIhadareplacementrentallinedup,IwasgivingKnoxaverywideberth.
Apartmenthuntinghadbeenunsuccessfulatbest.EveryThursdaywhenthelocalnewspapercameout,Iscouredtheclassifiedsforalisting,butnothingnewwasavailable.I’dcalledtherealestateofficeintown,hopingtheymighthavealead,butthewomanI’dspokentohadnoinformationandshe’dwarnedmethatrentalsinmypricerangegrewevenscarcerthroughwinter.
Evictionwasnotanoption.AvoidingKnoxwouldbethekeytostayinginhisloftuntilspring.
I’dspentthepastweekendrestingandplayingwithDrake.We’dbravedthegrocerystoreforsomeessentialsandthenI’dtakenhimtoalocalparkforawalkbeneaththecolorfulfalltrees.I’dwalkedintomyMondaymorningshiftwithmoreenergythanI’dhadinweeks.ButtodaywasThursdayandDrakehadbeenuplastnightforthreehours.
KnoxneededtoleavemealonesoIcouldscarfthesesimplecarbohydratesinthehopesthey’dgivemeaboosttofinishtheday.
Hehadapenandnotepadinonehand.Sometimeinthelastweek,he’dtrimmedhisbeard,shapingittothechiseledcontoursofhisjaw.Thesleevesofhischef’scoatwerepusheduphisforearmslikehealwaysseemedtodo,andeventhoughitwasafairlyshapelessgarment,itmoldedtohisbicepsandbroadshoulders.
MyheartdiditslittleKnox-inducedtrill.NomatterhowmanytimesIsawhim,hestolemybreathaway.Evenwhenhewasgloweringatmyfood.
“Whatkindofmacaroniandcheese?”heasked.
Wasthatatrickquestion?“Um…theregularkindyoubuyatthegrocerystore?”
EloiseappearedbehindKnox’sshoulder,pushingpasthimintotheroom.“Hey.What’sgoingon?”
Knoxtossedahandinmydirection.“Icameintoinventorythecoffeesupply.She’seatingmacaroniandcheese.”
Eloise’sgaze,thesamestrikingcolorasherbrother’s,dartedtomylunch.Shecringed.“Oh.Is,um…isthattheblueboxkind?”
“Yes.”
Shescruncheduphernose,thenturnedanddisappeareddownthehallway.
“What’swrongwiththeblueboxkind?”Itwasthecheapest.AndIwasusingmydollarswisely.
Oneday,I’dmoveoutofKnox’sloft.Oneday,I’dliketohavemyownhome.Oneday,I’dliketohaveagardenandafencedyardwhereDrakecouldhaveapuppy.
Oneday.
IfIwasgoingtomakeittothatoneday,itwouldrequiresacrificeslikeblueboxmac’n’cheeseandramennoodles.
Knoxwalkedover,straightintomyspace,andItiltedupmychintokeephisfaceinview.Hefrownedandswipedupmyplasticcontainer,walkingittothegarbagecaninthecorner.Onetaponthesideandmynoodleswentploppingtothebottomoftheblackliner.
“Hey.”Ishotoutofmychair.“Thatwasmylunch.”
AndIcouldn’taffordtowalkdownMaintoarestaurantforareplacement.Damnhim.Ibittheinsideofmycheektokeepmymouthshut.
Don’tcallhimanasshole.Don’tcallhimanasshole.
“Wehavearuleinthisbuilding,”hesaid,goingtothebreakroom’scupboardwherewekeptthecoffee.Heopenedthedoor,surveyedthecontents,thenscribbledsomethingonhisnotepad.“Noblueboxmac’n’cheese.”
“Well,Ididn’tknowthatrule.Nexttime,tellmetherulesandI’llbesuretofollowthem.Butdon’tthrowmylunchaway.I’mhungry.”Oncue,mystomachgrowled.
“Comeon,”heorderedandstrodefromtheroom.
Isighed,myshouldersslumping,andtrudgedbehindhimwithmyforkstillinhand.
Knoxdidn’tsomuchassparemeaglanceasheledthewaytoKnuckles.
Itwasstillearly,onlyelevenfifteen,butalreadyhalfofthetableswerefull.Twowaitressesmovedaroundtheroom,deliveringmenusandglassesofwater.
KnoxstrodepastthePleaseSeatYourselfsign,followingthemainaislethroughtheroom.
Ihadn’tbeeninherewiththelightson.WhenEloisehadbroughtmethroughonmyfirstdayofworkforthetour,ithadbeendarkandquiet.Evennowwiththependantsglowingandlightstreamingthroughtheexteriorwall’swindows,theroomheldadimedge.
ThestylefitKnox.Modernandmoodyandmasculine.Exposedbrick.Deepwallcolor.Richwoodtones.Cognacleatherbooths.Itwasexactlythestylemyfatherlovedforhishotelrestaurants.
AllthatwasmissingfromaWardHoteleaterywasthedresscode.Dadrequiredmenwearajacketandtie.Healsorequiredhishousekeepersanddeskclerkswearuniforms.IwashappythatKnucklesandTheEloiseweresolaid-back,thatmyjeansandteesandtennisshoeswerestandardhousekeepingattire.
PeoplewavedwhentheyspottedKnox.Henoddedandwavedbackbutdidn’tslowhispace.Hebreezedpastthem,andinhiswake,facesturnedmyway.
Iduckedmychinandkeptmyeyesonthefloor,notwantingtobenoticed.
OldMemphis—thenaive,spoiledgirl—wouldhavestruttedthrougharoomlikethis.Shewouldhavereveledintheattention.Shewouldhaveaccentuatedeverystepwiththeclickofastilettoheelthatcostthousandsofdollars.Shewouldhavehaddiamondsinherearsandgoldonherwrists.Shewouldhavesatatthebestseatintherestaurant,orderedthemostexpensivemealandpickedatherfood,lettingmostofitbethrowninthetrash.
HowmanyhousekeepershadIwalkedpastinmylifetime?I’dneveracknowledgedasingleone.Orthemaidswho’dworkedonmyparents’estate.Ifahousekeeperhadwalkedby,OldMemphiswouldhaveturneduphernose.
OldMemphiswasdead.I’dkilledthatversionofmyself.I’dstabbedhertodeathwiththeshardsofabrokenheart.
Goodriddance.OldMemphis,thoughnotallbad,hadbeenabrat.Softandsilly.Shewouldn’thavesurvivedthepastyear.Shewouldhavecavedandgivenintoherfamily’sdemands.Shewouldn’thavebeenthemotherthatDrakeneeded.
Mysonwouldnotbespoiled.Iwouldteachhimhowtoworkhard.Howtofightforalifeonhisownterms.Whenhewalkedpastahousekeeperinahotel,he’dpausetosaythankyou.
MaybeI’dlostmyshine,butIwasabetterpersonwithoutit.
Knoxpushedthroughtheswingingdoortothekitchen,holdingitformetofollowhiminside.
Thescentofbaconandonionsandbutteredbreadfilledmynose,makingmyhungerclaw.Thestainlesssteeltableinthecenteroftheroomwascrowdedwithmixingbowls.Thesmalleroneshadsauces,thelargersalads.Fivecuttingboardswereplacedinbetween.Onehadanarrayofslicedvegetables,lettuceandpicklesandtomatoes,allreadyforsandwichandburgertoppings.Anotherhadabeefbrisket,slicedthin.
“Didyoubringmeheretotortureme?”Iasked.
Knoxchuckled,notquitealaughbutmorearumblefromdeepinhischest.HewenttothesideofthetablewhereEloiseandIhadsatonmyfirstday,takingoutastool.“Haveaseat.”
“Hey,Memphis.”Skipglancedoverhisshoulderfromwherehestoodattheflattop,caramelizingsomeonions.
“Hi.”Iwavedandsatdown.
“Wantsomelunch?”heasked.
“I’vegotit.”Knoxheldupahandandwalkedtoashelfteemingwithpotsandpans.Hetookdownapotandfilleditwithwater.Thenhesetitoveraflamewithadashofsaltbeforedisappearingtothewalk-in,returningwithfourdifferentblocksofcheese.Hechoppedandgrateduntilthewaterboiled,thenhedumpedinaboxofdriedpasta.
Knoxmovedthroughthekitchenwithcommandandgrace.Itwaslikewatchingadance.
Amovementatmysidestolemyattention.Skipslidaplateandnapkininfrontofme,thenwinked.Busted.Ihadn’tsomuchbeenstaringatKnoxascaughtunderaspell.
Iblushed.“Thanks.”
“Wantanewfork?”Henoddedtotheonestillinmyfist.
“Thisoneisfine.”Isetitontheplate.
Skipreturnedtohistasks,tearingoffaticketthatrolledfromasmallblackprinteragainstthewall.Hereadit,thenattachedittoaclipthathungbesideawarmingrack.Thebulbsglowedorangeagainstthesilvermetalshelf.
MygazedriftedtoKnoxasheplatedsaladsonthreewhiteplates.Hishandspluckedexactlytherightamountoflettucefromamixingbowl.Hisforearmsflexedashesprinkledthegreenswithshreddedcarrotsandcroutonsfromaroastingpan.Thenheaddedslicedcherrytomatoesanddrizzledonapurplevinaigrette
Thoseblueeyesstayedfocused,neveroncedriftingmyway.Ifhefeltmestaring,hedidn’tglanceup.
Andoncemore,Ibecameentrancedwithhiseverymove.Hissteps.Hishands.Hisface.Hishairwaslongenoughtocurlatthenapeofhisneck.Mymotherwouldhavecalleditshaggy,thoughI’dargueitwassexy.I’dseenwhatwasbeneaththatcoatmyfirstnightintheloft.Iknewwhatthosecurlslookedlikedrippingwet.
Alowpulsebloomedinmycore.TherewasalwaysarushwhereKnoxwasconcernedbutthiswasacurl,likethreadwrappingaroundaspool,windingtighterandtighterwitheveryturn.
Knoxwasmoretemptingthananymeal.
Moredangerousthantheknifeinhisgrasp.
Theswingingdoorflewopenandaprettywomanwithbrownhairhurriedinside.Ablackapronwastiedaroundherwaist.Herwhitelong-sleevedbutton-downwasperfectlystarched.“Hey,Knox.We’reoutofchardonnayinthewinecooler.Dowehavemorestashedaway?”
“There’smoreinthecellar,”heanswered,returningtothecuttingboard,thistimewitharedchilipepper.Whatwouldhavetakenmeminutestochop,hedicedinseconds,thepiecespreciseanddelicate.“Iforgottograbitthismorning.Givethefrontdeskacall.Eloiseorsomeoneelsecanbringsomeupforus.”
“Icangogetit,”Ioffered.
Thewomanlookedtomeandsmiled.“You’reMemphis,right?Oneofthehousekeepers?I’mApril.”
“Hi.”Iwaved.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Here.”Knoxdugasetofkeysfromhispocket.“Thewinecellaristwodoorsdownfromthebreakroom.Wouldyoumind?”
“Notatall.”Itookthekeysandhurriedfromthekitchen.
Icouldn’t,wouldn’t,letmyselfgetdistractedbyahandsomeman.Notagain.Myheartcouldn’thandleanotherbreak.
NotthatKnoxwasinanywayinterested.Intruth,Iwasn’tallthatinteresting.I’dgivenupworryingaboutmyappealthedayDrake’slifehadstirredinmybelly.
Hurryingtothecellar,Iunlockedthedoorandsteppedinside,scanningthedimlylitshelves.Thetemperaturewascoolerinhereandgoosebumpsbrokeacrossmybarearms.
I’dbeenhotallmorning.UsuallywhenIcleanedaroom,itwasrightaftertheguesthadshowered,anditmadetheroomsmuggy.
Iscannedthewinelabels,someIrecognized.MyfingersdriftedalongthesleekneckofacabernetfromawineryI’dvisitedinNapayearsago.ItwasabottleIcouldnolongerafford.
Oneday.
Imovedtotheshelvesofwhitewine,loadinguponavariety,thenhauledthemoutofthecellar,lockingupbehindme.IntheshorttimeI’dbeengone,thenumberofrestaurantpatronsseemedtohavedoubled.WithoutKnoxsnaggingattention,fewernoticedmeasIrushedbacktothekitchen,depositingthewinebottlesonthepreptable.
“Thanks.”Knoxnoddedtomyplate.“Lunch.”
AsteamingbowlofmacaroniandcheesesatbesidetheplateSkiphadbroughtover.OnitwasthesamesaladKnoxhadmadeforanorder.
Itookmychair,knowingIwouldnevereatitall,butpickedupmyforkanddoveintothemac’n’cheesefirst.Rich,creamyflavorsexplodedonmytongue.Amoanescapedmythroat.Thechilipeppersgavethesauceakick.Thecheesewasgooeyandtangyandcomplex.
Knoxstoodontheoppositesideofthetable,andwhenImethisgaze,therewasnothingbututtersatisfactiononhisface.
“Thisisreallygood.”
“Iknow.”Hearchedaneyebrow.“Nomorebluebox.”
“Iboughtaten-pack.”
“Ditchit.Ialwayskeeptheingredientsonhandifyouwantsome.”
“Thankyou.”AsmiletuggedatthecornerofmymouthasIdoveforanotherbite.Iwouldn’tbotherhimtocookforme.I’djustsavemycheappastaandpowderedcheesefordinnersaloneathome.
Bythetimehecamehomemostnights,he’dneverknowotherwise.
I’dpaidtoomuchattentiontohisschedulethisweek,mostlyinhopesofstayingoutofhisway.Butalsoforarareglimpse.ThethrillthatcamewithKnoxwasaddicting.Onlyafoolishwomanwouldn’tappreciatesuchagood-lookingman,andIwastryingveryhardnottobeafoolishwoman.
KnoxwentbacktocookingasIatewithabandon.Hetoreoffanorderslipfromtheprinter,anditjoinedthelineupofothers.WhileSkipmannedtheflattop,Knoxarrangedplates,thendroppedabasketofshoe-string-cutpotatoesinafryer.
“WhyQuincy?”Hisquestionwasspokenasheslicedaciabattaroll.Hewassointentonthebreadthatittookmeamomenttorealizehisquestionwasforme.
“Iwantedasmalltown.AsafeplacetoraiseDrake.IwasthinkingCalifornia.AninfluencerIfollowonInstagramwasravingaboutthesesmalltownsupanddownthecoast.Buttheyweretooexpensive.”AsmuchasIwouldhavelovedtolivebesidetheocean,therewasnowayI’dbeabletoaffordit.
“You’refromNewYork?”
“Iam.Iwastiredofthecity.”
Hepulledthefries,thensmearedtheciabattawithanaioli,balancingwhatseemedliketenordersatonce.
WhenIwasinthekitchen,Ihadtoconcentrateonlyonthefood,cookingonethingatatime.He’dprobablygrimaceifheknewthatpreparingmyblue-boxmacaronihadtakenmejustaslongasithadtakenhimtomakeitfromscratch.
“Sohow’dyoulandonMontana?”heasked.
“ThatsamebloggerdidaninterviewwiththisbakerinLA.She,thebaker,saidherfavoriteplacetovacationwasQuincy.ThatsheandherhusbandspentaChristmashereandfellinlovewiththetown.SoIlookeditup.”
Thepicturesofdowntownhadcharmedmeinstantly.Schoolratingsandthecostoflivinghadsealedthedeal.
Knoxgaveadrylaughasheshookhishead.“Cleo.”
“Cleo.Yes,thatwasthebaker’sname.Youknowher?”
“SheinvadedmykitchenonhervacationherethatChristmas.I’veneverseenanyonemakesomuchfoodinafewhours.We’vekeptintouch.Iactuallyjustsenthersomerecipesafewweeksago.Includingthatone.”Hepointedtowardmyplate.“Smallworld.”
“Thatitis.”
ThoughIhoped,formysakeandDrake’s,therewasabitthatremainedbig.ThatoverthemilesbetweenMontanaandNewYork,I’dbeabletoputsomedistancebetweenthefutureandthepast.
Montanahadanappealformanyreasons.Thisintimate,friendlycommunitywasone.AnotherwasthelackofWardHotelsintheentirestate.
MygrandfatherhadstartedthefirstWardHotelinhistwenties.Overhislifetime,he’dgrownhisenterpriseintoachainofboutiquehotelsbeforepassingthebusinesstomyfather.UnderDad’srule,thecompanyhadquadrupledinthepastthirtyyears.NearlyeverymajormetropolitanareainthecountryhadaWardHotel,andhe’drecentlybegunexpandingintoEurope.
ButtherewerenoneinMontana.Notasingleone.
“IreadCleo’sinterview,thensawtheapplicationforahousekeepingpositionandapplied,”Isaid.
“Andnowyou’rehere.”Knoxstoppedplatingandbracedhishandsonthetable,lockinghisgazewithmine.Questionsswaminhiseyes.
QuestionsIwasn’tgoingtoanswer.
“NowI’mhereandhadbettergetbacktowork.”Istoodfromthetable.“Thankyouforlunch.Itwasdelicious.”
“Seeya,Memphis,”Skipcalledoverhisshoulder.
“Bye.”Iheadedforthedoor,glancingbackonelasttime.
Knox’sgazewaswaiting.Hisexpressionwasalmostunreadable.Almost.Suspicionwaswrittenacrosshishandsomefeatures.Andrestraint.Probablybecausehewantedmystory.
Butthatconfessionwasmineandminealone.
Iwashalfwaythroughtherestaurantwhenmyphoneranginmypocket.Idugitout,checkingtomakesureitwasn’tthedaycare.Itwasn’t.SoIhitdeclineandstoweditaway.
Sixty-three.
Atthisrate,itwouldbeonehundredbeforetheendofSeptember.
Maybebythen,thecallswouldstop.CHAPTERSIXKNOX
“Thanksfordinner.”Griffinclappedmeontheshoulderaswestoodonthefrontporchofhishouse.
“Welcome.”
ThemacaroniandcheeseI’dmadeMemphislastweekhadgivenmeacraving,soI’dmadeahugebatchtodaywithplentytospare.BeforecomingtoseeGriffandWinnwithapanfordinner,I’ddroppedoneoffatMomandDad’splacetoo
“Nicenight.”Griffindrewinalongbreath.Thescentofleavesandrainandcoolertemperatureswasintheair.
“Sureis.”Ileanedagainstoneofthewoodenbeams,glancingoutacrossthelandasItookasipfrommybeer.
Surroundedbytreeswiththemountainsinthedistance,Griffin’splacewasthereasonI’dbuiltmyown.I’dwantedmyownhavenawayfromthebustleoftown.Ourstyleswereentirelydifferent.Griffpreferredatraditionallookwithanabundanceofwood,whileIfavoredthesleek,modernlinesofglass.
Thoughourhousesweredifferent,thesettingwasthesame.
Ruggedmountaincountryside.Evergreenswiththeyear-roundscentofpine.Sunshineandbluesky.Home
AcrycamefrominsidethehouseandGriffinstraightened,turningtowardthefrontdoorasWinncameoutsidewithmytwo-month-oldnephew,Hudson,fussinginherarms.
“Tag,you’reit.”Shehandedhersontohisfather.“HewantsmeduringthedaybutonlyGriffatnight.”
Mybrothernoddedathisson.“We’vegotlotstotalkaboutatnight,don’twe,cowboy?Andsometimesyoujustneedanewsetofarms.”
Hudson’sfussingceasedasmybrotherwalkedthelengthoftheporch.
Myhearttwistedatthesight.
IlovedHudson.ButhisbirthhadtriggeredmemoriesI’ddonemybesttoforgetthesepastfiveyears.Memoriesthatweren’tasburiedasI’doncethought
Griffinhadn’tknownGianna,norhadanyofmysiblings.MomandDadhadmetheronceonavacationtoSanFrancisco,butthathadbeenbeforeJadon.Myfamilyknewwhathadhappened,butitwassomethingI’drefusedtodiscussafterI’dmovedhome.
Nooneknewhowharditwastobearoundababy.
“Dinnerwasamazing.”Winngavemeasleepysmile.“ExactlywhatIwascraving.”
“Anytime.”Iwinkedasshepressedahandtoherbelly.
Itwasearlyinhersecondpregnancy,butIsuspectedbeforetoolongthey’dallcometotherestaurantmorefrequently.Whileshe’dbeenpregnantwithHudson,I’dtakenitasmypersonalchallengetofeedmysister-in-law’scravings
“Howarethingsattherestaurant?”sheasked,sinkingintooneoftheporch’srockingchairs.
“Good.Busy.”Roxannewasrunningtheshowtonight.Wednesdaysweretypicallyslowthistimeofyear,sowhenshe’dtoldmetostophoveringandheadhomeafterlunch,I’dactuallylistened.
GriffinkeptpacingwithHudson,murmuringwordstohissonthatIcouldn’tmakeout.
“It’shisvoice.”Winnfollowedmygaze.“Ithinkbecauseit’sdeeper.Thistimeofnight,Griff’svoiceisabouttheonlythingthatwillputhimtosleep.”
“Makessense.”Itwasn’talwayseasytoseeGriffinwithhisson,butthatwasn’tsomethingI’dadmittothem.Toanyone.
“Youfeelingokay?”IaskedWinn.
“Justalittletired.ButIthinkthatwillbethenormforafewyears.”
Griffinstrodeourway.“Maybebythetimewehavethisnextone,Hudsonwillsleepthroughthenight.”
“That’sthedream.”Winncrossedherfingers.“How’sitgoingwithMemphis?”
“Allright.Idon’tseehermuch.”Andthathadbeenbydesign.TherewasareasonthatIhadn’ttakenmuchtimeofflately.ThatIhoveredatKnuckles.Therewasareasonthatonmyrarenightawayfromtherestaurant,I’descapedtothecomfortofmybrother’shomeandnotmyown.
GriffinandIhadabondformedfromyouthfulyearsofhidingmischiefandsufferingtheconsequenceswhenourparentsinevitablycaughtuscausingtrouble.He’dbeenmybestfriendsincebirth.Wekneweachotherbetterthanmost,whichwasprobablywhyhehadn’taskedaboutMemphis.HecouldsenseIdidn’twanttotalkabouther.
WhatwouldIsay?Iwasattractedtoher.Everytimeshewalkedintotheroom,myheartstoppedandmydicktwitched.Ifthathadbeentheendofthestory,ifithadbeenjustawomanpassingthroughtown,Iwouldhavechasedherthatfirstnight.
Butshewasn’tatouristheretoday,gonetomorrow.Therewasnoescapingher,atworkorathome.Thentherewasthekid.
SeeingDrakewasharderthanseeingHudson.Iwasn’tsurewhybuteverytimehecried,itcutrightthroughmychest.MaybeitwasbecauseMemphiswasdealingwithitalone.Sheborethebruntofhisscreams.Shecarriedtheweightonherslendershoulders.
Butitwasn’tmybusiness.Itwasn’tmyplacetointerfere.
I’dhadenoughdramaticsforalifetimeandMemphishaddramawrittenalloverherprettyface.
IthadtakenmefiveyearstobuildalifeinQuincy.I’dwalkedawayfromSanFranciscoabrokenman.I’dcomehometorecover.Tostartagain.ToreturntoaplacewhereI’dhadgooddaysinthehopeoffindingthemagain.
FiveyearsandIwasthere.Ilovedmyjob.Ilovedmyfamily.Ilovedmylife.
Unchanged.
AssoonasMemphiswasgonefromtheloft,itwouldbeeasiertoputheroutofmyhead.
IdrainedthelastswallowofmybeerasHudson’seyelidsbegantodroop.“I’dbettergethome.Letyouguysgethimtobed.”
“Thanks,Knox.”Winnyawned.
“Haveagoodnight.”Iwalkedover,benttokisshercheek,thenshookmybrother’sfreehand.Iruffledthedarkhaironmynephew’sheadandtouchedhisbuttonnose.“Giveyourparentssomerest,kid.”
HudsonhadatinyhandoverGriff’sheart.
Damn,thatstung.AsHudsongrew,ithaddulled,butnotdisappeared.Iletitspreadthroughmychest,thenjoggeddowntheporchstepsformytruck.
Mydrivehomewasthroughamazeofgravelroads.Thehighwaywasmoreofadirectroutetohome,buttakingthebackroadsgavemetimetorolldownthewindowsandsimplythink.
WhenI’dstoppedatMomandDad’searlier,they’daskedmeifI’dmademydecisionaboutthehotel.UncleBriggshadhadaroughweek.He’dgoneoutforahikewithouttellinganyone,andthoughhe’dprobablybeenlucidatfirst,he’dhadanepisodeandgottenlost.
Lostonthelandwherehe’dlivedhisentirelife.
Thankfully,Dadhadfoundhimjustbeforedark.Briggshadtrippedandtwistedhisankle.SoafteratriptotheER—Taliahadbeenthedoctoroncall—they’dgottenBriggshome.ButthescarehadspurredDad’surgencytogetmyanswer.
AnanswerIdidn’thavetogive.
Partofmewantedtoagree,simplybecauseitwouldmakethemhappy.Ihadthebestparentsintheworld.Theyletusfailwhenweneededtofail.Theygaveusahandwhenitwasclearwecouldn’tgetbackuponourowntwofeet.Theylovedusunconditionally.They’dgivenuseveryadvantagepossible.
ButifIsaidyestothehotel,itwouldn’tbeforme.Itwouldbeforthem.
DidIwantTheEloise?Ididn’twantittogotosomeoneoutsideofthefamily.Butme?Maybe.Ijustwasn’tsure.Notyet.
IreachedmyturnoutandrolledtowardJuniperHill,disappearingthroughthetreestomysecludedcorneroftheworld.Asthehousecameintoview,myeyeswenttotheloft.Evenhiddenbehindwallsanddoorsandwindows,Memphisdrewmyattention.Shehadsincethedayshe’darrived.
HerVolvowasparkedbesidethestairs,andthatcarwasasmuchofamysteryasmytenant.ItwasanewermodelandVolvosweren’texactlyinexpensive.Sowhywasshesurvivingoncheapmealsandsparechange?
Notmybusiness.
I’dflowntoGianna’srescueallthoseyearsagowhenIshouldhavemindedmyownfuckingbusiness.Lessonlearned.
Parkinginthespaceclosesttomydoor,Iheadedinside.Beforewinter,I’dhavetofigureoutadifferentparkingsituationsobothofourrigsweren’tleftoutsideinthesnow,butfornow,leavingmytruckoutsidemeantonemorewaytokeepmydistance.
Thehousewasquiet.Thescentofmacaroniandcheeselingeredinthekitchen.Iwalkedtothefridge,gettinganotherbeer,thenretreatedtothelivingroomtowatchTVuntildark.
TheabundanceofwindowsmeantthatwhenthesunbegantosetbelowthecrestofJuniperHill,Icaughtitfromallangles.Pinkandorangeandbluelightcascadedoverthewalls,fadingwitheveryminuteuntilthesilverglowofmoonlighttookitsplace.
Itshouldhavebeenrelaxing.ThenumberonetrendingmovieonNetflixshouldhavekeptmyattention.Thiswassupposedtobemysanctuary,yetsincethedayMemphishadmovedin,she’dheldaconstantchaintomythoughts.Adistraction.
Wasshecookingdinner?Wasshesleeping?Wastheplacebigenoughforher?Wasshesearchingforanotherapartment?DidIwanthertofindanotherapartment?
Yes.Shehadtoleave.Wecouldn’tdothisforever,right?Ineededmyhomeback.Yettheideaofherintown,onherown,mademeuneasy.
Shewasn’tmyresponsibility.Shewasagrownwoman,anadult,capableoflivingalone.Shewastwenty-five,thesameageasEloise.ClosetothesameageasLylaandTalia,whoweretwenty-seven.DidIfeeltheneedtokeepmysistersclose?No.SowhyMemphis?Andwherethehellwereherparents?Whathadhappenedwiththosesiblingsshe’dmentioned?
IstaredattheTV,realizingI’dwatchedalmosttheentirethrillerandhadn’tadamncluewhatitwasabout.“Christ.”
Restlessnessrattledbeneathmyskin.Ishovedoffthecouch,wenttomybedroomforapairofworkoutshorts,thendisappearedtothegymI’dsetupinmybasement.
Afteranhourspentalternatingbetweenthetreadmillandtheheavybag,Iclimbedthestairs,drenchedinsweat.Thankfully,theworkouthadserveditspurposeandmypent-upenergyhadburnedout,soIheadedtotheshower.
Sleephadbeenscarceoverthepastfewweeks.Thelastsolideight-hourstretchhadbeenbeforeMemphishadmovedin.Drakehadasetoflungs,andthoughIshouldjustsleepwiththewindowsclosed,everynight,IgottoohotandhadsleptwiththemcrackedforaslongasIcouldremember.
Wearingonlyapairofboxerbriefs,Iclimbedintobed,killingthelightonthenightstand.Myheadhitthepillow,andasagentlebreezesweptthroughtheroom,exhaustionwonout.
Butlikeithadforweeks,mysleepwasbrokenbythewailofababyboy.
Ijoltedawakeandscrubbedahandovermyfacebeforeglancingattheclockbesidemybedsidelamp.Twofourteen.
He’dsleptlongerthannormal.Thispastweekhe’dwokenmeuparoundone.Ormaybehe’dbeenupforanhourandI’djustbeentootiredtonotice.
Iburiedmyfaceinthepillow,willingsleeptocomeagain.Butasthecryingcontinued,echoingthroughthedarknight,IknewI’dbeawakeuntilhestopped.
“Fuck.”
Thatkidwasdetermined,I’dgivehimthat.AsIlayonmyback,staringatthemoonlitceiling,hecriedandcried.
Ifitwasloudhere,howloudwasitinthatloft?Ihadn’tslept,butneitherhadMemphis.Thoughshetrieddaily,noamountofmakeupcouldhidethedarkcirclesunderhereyes.
TheimageofGriffinholdingHudsonpoppedintomymind.Thenanotherbaby,anothersetofarmsfromyearspast.AsceneIdidn’tletmyselfremember.
Drake’scriesbuilt,oneuponthenextuponthenext,louderandlouder,minuteafterminute,nightafternight,untilitwaslikehewasscreamingforme.Enoughwasenough.Icouldn’tliehereanddonothing.
Iflungthesheetoffmylegsandswungoutofbed,stoppingatthewalk-inclosetforaT-shirt.ThenIheadedforthedoor,pausingtostepintoapairofflip-flopssoIdidn’tshredthesolesofmyfeetonthegravel.
ThenightairwascoolagainstthebareskinofmyarmsandlegsasIcrossedthedriveway.Itookthestairstwoatatime,movingbeforeIsecond-guessedmydecision,andknocked.
Alightflippedon,illuminatingtheglasswindowinthedoor.
Memphis’sfacewasintheglassnext,herbrowneyeswideandswimmingwithtears.Shelookedbeautiful.Shealwayslookedbeautiful.Excepttonightshelookedtobehangingonbyherlastthread.
Shewipedathercheeksbeforeflippingthelock.“I’mso—”
“Don’tapologize.”Isteppedinsideandkickedoffmyshoes,thenheldoutmyarms,wavingwithone.“Handhimover.”
“W-what?”Sheshiedaway,puttingashoulderbetweenmeandherbaby.
“I’mnotgoingtohurthim.Ijustwanttohelp.”Maybewhatthatkidneededwasanotherpairofarms.Anothervoice.
Sheblinked.“Huh?”
“Listen,ifhesleeps,Isleep,yousleep.Canwejust…trysomethingotherthanthis?Letmewalkhimaroundforawhile.Probablywon’tmatterbutattheveryleast,youcantakeabreather.”
Memphis’sshouldersfellandsheglanceddownathercryingson.“Hedoesn’tknowyou.”
“There’sonlyonewaytofixthat.”
Shehesitatedanothermoment,butwhenDrakeletoutanotherwailandkickedhistinyfeet,sheshiftedmyway.
Thehandoffwasawkward.Herarmsseemedreluctanttolethimgo,butfinally,whenIhadhimcradledinthecrookofanelbow,sheinchedaway.Hershouldersremainedstiffasshewrappedherarmsaroundhermiddleandbarelygavemeenoughroomtobreathe.
“Iwon’tdrophim,”Ipromised.
Shenodded.
Isteppedpasther,walkingthelengthoftheloft.Mybarefeetsankintotheplushcarpet,anditwasn’tuntilI’dmadeitacrosstheroomthatIfinallytookagoodlookatthekidinmyarms.
Christ,thiswasabadidea.Areallyfuckingbadidea.WhatthehellhadIbeenthinking?Hekeptcrying,becauseyeah,hedidn’tknowme.Anditwastoosimilar.Itwastoohard.
Theonlythingthatkeptmefromboltingwashishair.
Hehadhismother’sblondhair.
Notblack,likeJadon’s.Blond.
Thiswasnotthesamechild.Thiswasnotthesamesituation.
Iswallowedhard,pasttheache,andwalkedtowardthedoor.“Drake.”
Blond,babyDrake.Itwasagreatname.Hewasasolidkid.Thatwasdifferenttoo.Drakeseemedstrong.LikeHudson,hehadagoodweight.AndMemphishadbeenheftinghimaroundonherowneverynight.
“Allright,boss,”ItoldDrake.“Weneedtotonethisdown.”
Hischestshookashisbreathhitchedbetweenacry.
“Ineedsleep.Sodoyou.Sodoesyourmom.Howaboutwequitthenightshift?”Isetoutfortheoppositeendoftheroomagain,passingMemphis,whostillhadn’tmoved.Ihitthewallandturned,goingtothedooragain.AllwhileDrakecried.
“You’reokay.”IbouncedhimasIwalked,pattinghisdiaperedbutt.Hewasinapairoffootedpajamas,theblueprintfabricfullofpuppies.“WhenIwasakid,Ihadadog.HernamewasScout.”
Ikeptwalking,slowandmeasuredstrides,tothedoor,thenthewindow.“Shewasbrownwithfloppyearsandastubbytail.Herfavoritethinginthesummerwastorunthroughtheyardsprinklers.Andinthewinter,she’djumpinthebiggestsnowbanks,buryingherselfsofardownweweren’tsureshe’dmakeitout.”
Memphisfinallyunstuckherfeetandwalkedtothecouch,perchingonanarm.Shewasinathinblacknightshirtwithsleevesthatdrapedtoherelbowsandanecklinethatscoopedlow.Thehemendedatherthighs,ridingupasshesat.
Shewasn’ttall,butdamnshehadsomelegs.Itoremyeyesawayfromthetaut,smoothskinandshiftedDrakesohewasproppeduponashoulder.ThenIpattedhisback,myhandsolongthatthebaseofmypalmwasatthetopofhisdiaperandmyfingertipsbrushingthesoftstrandsofhairathisnape.
Ittookonemoretriptothedoorandbackbeforethecryingchangedtowhimpers.Thenitvanished,sweptawaythroughanopenwindow.
Thequietwasdeafening.
Memphisgasped.“Itusuallytakesmehours.”
“MybrotherGriffinhasakidthisage.”
“He’smarriedtoWinslow,right?”
Inodded.“Yeah.IwasovertheretonightandHudsonwasnotabouthismom.ButGriffintookhimanditsettledhimdown.Probablyjustadifferentvoice.”
Memphisdroppedherchin,herblondhairfallingaroundherface.Butitcouldn’thidethetearthatdrippedtoherlap.
“Doyouneedmetocarryyouaroundtoo?Patyourback?Tellyouaboutmychildhoodpets?”Iteased.
Shelookedupandsmiled,wipingherfacedry.“I’mjustreallytired.”
Drakeletoutasquawkbutdidn’tstartwailingagain.
“Icantakehim,”shesaid.
“Goliedown.I’llwalkhimuntilhe’sasleep.”
“Youdon’t—”
“Havetodothat.”Ifinishedhersentence.“ButI’mgoingto.Go.Rest.”
Shestoodandtrudgedtothebed,slidingbeneaththecovers.Thensheclungtoapillow,holdingitclosetoherchest.“Howdidyoubecomeachef?”
“That’snotsleeping.”
“Tellmeanyway.”
Iwalkedtothewallandhitthelightswitch,bathingtheloftindarkness.“Mymomisafantasticcook.WhenIwasgrowingup,mydadwasalwayssobusyontheranch.He’dtakeGriffwithhimalotbutIwastooyoung,soI’dstayhomewithMomandmytwinsisterswhentheywerebabies.She’dcartustothehotelwithherduringtheday,andthenintheevenings,she’dputtheminswingsoraplayareaandsetmeonthecountertohelpmakedinner.”
MyearliestmemorywasfromwhenIwasaroundfive,thesummerbeforeI’dstartedkindergarten.MomhadbeenpregnantwithEloise.Thetwinshadbeenlittleandwerealwayschasingmearound.GriffhadbeenlearningtorideandI’dfeltleftout.
MomhadbeenbusywithsomethingsoI’dtoldherI’dmakedinner.ShemusthavethoughtIwaskiddingbecauseshe’dagreed.
Itwasn’tsomuchtheplatesofchipsandcrackersthatIremembered,itwastheshockonherfacewhenshe’dcomeintothekitchenfromwranglingthetwinsandfoundmesittingonthecounter,attemptingpeanutbutterandjellysandwiches.
“Ihadotherinterests.Sports.Horses.IspentmysummersworkingontheranchbesideGriffinandDad.ButIalwaysgravitatedbacktothekitchen.WhenIfinishedhighschool,Iknewcollegewasn’tforme,soIenrolledinculinaryschool.Learnedalot.Workedatsomeamazingrestaurantsuntilitwastimetocomehome.”
Memphishummed,adreamy,sleepysound.
Andhersonwastotallyoutonmychest.
Itwasprobablysafetoputhimdown,retreattomyownbed,butIkeptwalking.Justincase.
“WhyisitnamedKnuckles?Therestaurant?”Memphis’svoicewasnomorethanawhisper,muffledbythepillow.
“Itwasmynicknameinculinaryschool.MyfirstweekItriedtoimpressaninstructor.Gotcocky.Iwasgratingsomecarrotsandnotpayingattention.Slippedandgratedmyknucklesinstead.”
“Ouch,”shehissed.
“Hadabunchofcutsandmadeafoolofmyself.”Afewscarsstillremainedonmyhand.
“Andearnedyourselfanickname.”
“Whenwedidtherestaurantremodel,Isatdownwiththearchitectandheaskedmeaboutanameforasign.Knucklespoppedintomyheadandthatwasit.”IdriftedoffmypathandcarriedDraketothecribinthecorner,bendinglowtosethimdown.
Hisarmsinstantlyroseabovehishead.Hislipsparted.Hiseyelashesformedhalf-moonsabovehissmoothcheeks.Hewas…precious.
Myhandcametomychest,rubbingatthesting.ThenIstoodandglancedtothebed.
Memphiswasasleep,herlipspartedtoo.Amancouldlosehimselfinthatsortofbeauty.
BeforeIdidsomethingstupid,likestandthereandstareatheruntildawn,Ieasedoutoftheloft,turningthelockonthedoorbehindmebeforeheadingtomyownbed.
Sleepshouldhavecomeeasy.Itwasquiet.Dark.ExcepteverytimeIclosedmyeyes,theimageofMemphiswouldpopintomyhead.Theblondhairsweepingacrosshercheek.Thepartofherlips.Thesoftswellofherbreastsbeneaththatnightshirt.
Maybeherkid’scryinghadn’tbeenkeepingmefromsleep.
Maybeitwasthewomanherself,hauntingmydreams.CHAPTERSEVENMEMPHIS
Thethudoffootstepsclimbingtheloft’sstaircaseandthesoftknockthatfollowedwerebecomingmyfavoritesounds.HemightonlycomeuptoholdDrake,buteverytimeKnoxshowedatmydoorinthemiddleofthenight,itwaslikeawarmhug.
IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dbeenhugged.
Hecamerightinside,toeingoffhisshoesbeforestealingacryingDrakefrommyarms.Aflashofpaincrossedhisface,likehe’dgottenapapercut.Maybeitwasjustmyimagination,butIsworeIsawiteachtimeheheldDrake.ItwasgoneinaninstantasKnoxsetoutonhisregularpathacrosstheroom.
“What’stheproblemtonight,boss?”Thatsmooth,deepvoicewasascomfortingtomeasitwasmyson.
“Sorrywewokeyouup.”
Heturnedatthewallandfrowned.Knox,I’dlearned,wasn’tafanofmyapologies.
Imadethemregardless.
“Rest,Memphis.”Henoddedtowardthebed,butIwenttothecouch,wrappingablanketaroundmyshoulders.
Inthepastmonth,I’dspenttwelvenightsonthiscouch,watchingasthemosthandsomemanI’deverlaideyesoncarriedmyson.Twelvenights,andmycrushonKnoxEdenwasasstrongasthecoffeeImadeeachmorninginmynewmaker.
TheweatherhadshiftedandOctober’scoldnighttemperaturesmeanttherewasnoneedtoleavethewindowopen.HowKnoxheardDrakecryfromhishouse,Iwasn’tsure,butIhadn’tmusteredthenervetoask.Whatever,however,heknew,Iwassimplygratefulforthereprieve.
Andforalittletimealonewithamanalmosttoogoodtobetrue.
“Washelikethislastnight?”Knoxasked.
“No.HeonlycriedforabottlebutafterIfedhim,hewentrightbacktosleep.”
“Progress.Justkeepgrowingandwe’llgetthroughthis.”KnoxputDrakeonhisbroadshoulder,exactlywheremysonpreferredtobe.
MaybeitwasbecauseKnoxhadsuchabigshouldertosleepon.Maybeitwashissmellorhisvoiceortheeasycadenceofhisswagger.MysonpreferredKnox’schesttomine.
Mysonwasnofool.
Iwasasenchantedasmybaby.
Knoxwaswearinggraysweatstonightthatpooledathisfeet.HehadonawhitesleevelessT-shirt,histattoosondisplay.
“Whatdoyourtattoosmean?”Iasked.
Ithadbeenonthetipofmytongueforweeks.MycuriosityaboutKnoxwasasinsatiableasitwasdangerous.ThemoreIlearned,theharderIcrushed.
“Theeagleismyfavoritebird.”Henoddedtohisleftsideandthefeatheredwingscurledaroundhisbiceps.Thefaceofthefiercecreaturewasashauntingasitwasbeautiful.
Knoxpassedthecouch,shiftingtoshowmehisrightside.Theblue-whitenightlightsI’daddedtotheloftilluminatedtheblacklinesandcirclesonhisskin.“Theseareplanets.Ihaveoneonmyshoulderbladethat’sanoutlineofMars.NotthatI’mintoastronomy.Theyrepresentourhorses.DadboughteighthorsesyearsagoandEloisenamedthemallaftertheplanets.Marsismine.”
“Doyougoridingoften?”
“NotasmuchasI’dlike.Ikeephimattheranchsohecanhavecompany.Itrytotakehimoutonceamonthorso.”
Myhorse’snamehadbeenLady.She’dprancedaroundlikeonetoo.MysisterandIhadbothtakenridinglessonsaskidsbecauseatthetime,ithadbeenthepopularextracurricularactivityforNewYorksocialites.ThenoneofMom’sfriendshadcalledtheactivityantiquated,refusingtosendherowndaughters.Aweeklater,myparentshadsoldLadyandI’dbeenforcedtoendurepianolessonsinstead.
“Youeverridebefore?”heasked.
“Notforalongtime.”
Hedidn’toffertotakemeoutonMars.Iwouldn’thaveaccepted.
This,thesedarknights,wereallI’dletmyselfhaveofKnox.
Drakewasmakingprogressandbeforelong,thesevisitswouldstop.We’dreturntobeinghistemporarytenants.I’dbehiscoworker,rarelycrossinghispath.Andsomeday,I’dmoveon.Whenthatdaycame,Ineededmyheartintact.Mywholeheart.
Drake’scryingbegantoebb,shiftingfromabrokenstringofscreamstoawhinebetweenhitchedbreaths.
“Therewego,”Knoxmurmured,hishandsplayedonthebaby’sback.Thebroadshoulder,thehumofourconversation,workedlikeacharmonDrakeeverytime.
“Shouldn’titbemewhomakeshimstopcrying?”TheadmissionslippedfrommylipsbeforeIcouldstopit.Guiltandshamecloudedmyvoice.Itshouldbeme,shouldn’tit?Drakewasmine.
“Youare.”Knoxpausedinfrontofme,toweringovermewithmytinysoninhismassivearms.“Youletmeinthedoor,didn’tyou?”
“Yeah.”Maybemotherhoodwasn’talwaysbeingthepersonyourchildleanedon,butfindingthepersontheyneededwhenyouweren’tenough.ForDrake’ssake,forhimtogetsomerest,I’dsetasidemyprideandletKnoxstepintohelp.
Thewomanwhoactuallyearnedhisstrongarmsforrealhugswouldbealucky,luckygirl.Isnuggleddeeperintomyblanket,curlingmylegsbeneathmeasIfollowedKnox’severystep.
Exhaustionwasaconstantcompaniontomywakingmoments.TheonlyreasonIwasabletokeepmyeyesopenwasbecausethepictureofKnoxandDrakewasoneIdidn’twanttomiss.ItwasthereasonIchosethecouchoversnugglingintobed.
Watchingthemtogetherwasadream.AfantasyofadifferentlifehadImadebetterchoices.
Drakehadstoppedcryingandwasmomentsawayfromsleep.Thisinterludewasnearlyover.Formyson’ssake,Iwasgrateful.Formine…
ItwouldbedifficulttoclosethedoorbehindKnoxwhenheleft.
AyawnstretchedmylipsandIwaveditoff.“Sorry.”
“Nowyou’reapologizingforyawning?”Heshotmeagrinashepassedthecouch.
“Myfatheroncescoldedmeforyawningduringameeting.Iapologizedthenandhaven’tstoppedsince.”
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dmentionedmyfatheraloud.Foroveramonth,I’dkeptmypastlockedaway.I’ddodgedquestionsaboutmyfamilyandthereasonswhyI’dmovedacrossthecountry.Sleepdeprivationhadcausedmywallstodrop
OrmaybeitwasjustKnox.Hesharedfreely.Hemademewanttodothesame.
“Seriously?”heasked.
Ishrugged.
“Youdon’ttalkaboutyourfamily.”
“Idon’ttalkaboutmuch.”
“Thisistrue.”Thecornerofhismouthturnedup.“Whereareyourparents?”
Isighed,sinkingdeeperintothecouch.“Ifiguredyou’daskeventually.ButIhaven’tfiguredouthowtoanswerthatquestionyet.”
“It’sasimplequestion,Memphis.”
“ThenthesimpleanswerisNewYork.”
“What’sthecomplicatedanswer?”
“Thetruthmakesmyfamilyseem…ugly.”AsfrustratedasIwaswiththem,Ididn’twantstrangerstothinktheywerebadpeople.Theywerewhotheywere.Distant.Self-absorbed.Proud.Theyweretheproductoftheirsurroundingsandextreme,selfishwealth.
Once,Ihadn’tbeenallthatdifferent.Maybetheywereugly.Buttheirawfulactionshadbeenthecatalysttomychange.Becauseofthem,Iwouldbeabetterperson.Despitethem.
Knoxwalkedtothedoor,pausingbesidehisdiscardedtennisshoes.“Betterletmebethejudge.”
Iglancedtotheclockonthemicrowave.“Thisisn’treallyaconversationfortwoohseveninthemorning.”
Hecrossedtheroom,takingaseatontheoppositeendofthecouchwithmysonasleeponhischest.“Aretheylessuglyduringtheday?”
“No,”Iwhispered.“MyfatherneverheldDrake.You’retheonlymantoevercarryhiminyourarms.”
Acreaseformedbetweenhiseyebrows.“Didhe…”
“Die?No.He’sverymuchalive.Myparents,mydadinparticular,doesn’tapproveofmychoices.Hesetsthetoneforourfamily,andwhenIrefusedtodothingshisway,hedisownedme.Mymother,mysisterandmybrotherfollowedsuit.Thoughitdoesn’treallymatterbecauseIdisownedthemtoo.”
Knoxstudiedmyface.“Whatdoyoumean,theydisownedyou?”
“Iworkedformydad.Hefiredme.IwaslivinginoneoftheirManhattantownhouses.Drakewasfourweeksoldwhenhisattorneyservedmemythirty-dayevictionnotice.Mygrandparentssetuptrustfundsforeachoftheirgrandchildrenbutrequiredmyfatherbetheconservatoruntilweturnedthirty.IwentintotakeoutsomemoneysoIcouldmoveandDaddeniedthebankfromgrantingmeanywithdrawals.HeleftmewithnothingbutthemoneyIhadinmyownbankaccountandmyfinalpaycheck.”
“Areyoufuckingserious?Why?”
“HewantstoknowwhoDrake’sfatheris.Irefusetotellhim.Irefusetotellanyone.”Therewasahiddenwarninginmytone,thatifKnoxasked,I’ddenyhimananswer.“Daddidn’tlikebeingtoldthatitwasnoneofhisbusiness.Butthere’sareasonwhynooneknowswhoDrake’sfatheris.Iplantokeepitthatway.”
Knoxleanedforward,hisholdonDraketightening.“IstheresomethingIneedtoknow?”
“No.He’sgonefrommylife.”
“Areyousure?”
“Quite.”Ihadasigneddocumenttoproveit.“Mydadthoughthe’dcallmybluff.Thatifhemademylifehardenough,I’dtellhimeverythinghewantedtoknow.ThathecouldcontinuetopullmystringsandI’ddanceasoneofhislittlepuppets.I’mtwenty-five,notsixteen.Mydecisionsaremyown.Mysecretsaremyown.”
Knoxleanedintothecouch,shakinghishead.“You’reright.I’mnotreallylikingyourfamilyatthemoment.”
“Myfatherisn’tusedtobeingtoldno.Heownsahotelconglomerate.Andherunshisfamilyasheavy-handedlyashedoeshisbusiness.”
“Ahotel?”Knox’seyebrowsarched.“Whichone?”
“WardHotels.”
“Noshit?”Hehuffedalaugh.“Afterculinaryschool,IworkedinSanFrancisco.TherestaurantwasinaWardHotel.”
Iblinked.“Really?”
“Smallworld.”
“Thatitis.”AndIknewexactlywhichrestauranthewastalkingabouttoo.
I’dbeentoSanFrancisconumeroustimes,alwaysstayingatthehotel.HadKnoxbeentheonetocookmymeals?Itwouldn’tsurpriseme.Ithadbeenafavoriteplacetoeat.
“I’mnamedafterDad’sfavoritehotelinMemphis.MysisterisnamedRaleigh.MybrotherisHouston.”
Knoxstudiedmyprofile.“WardHotelsisnotasmallcompany.”
“No,itisnot.”
Itwasaprivatelyownedmultimillion-dollarbusiness.Therealestateholdingsalonewereworthafortune.
AndI’dtradedmythirty-million-dollartrustfundforafourteen-dollar-per-hourhousekeepingjob.
Maybeithadbeenarecklessdecisiondrivenbybetrayal.Wedidn’thavemuchinQuincy.
Butwewerefree.
“You’recleaningtoilets,”Knoxsaid.
Iraisedmychin.“There’snothingwrongwithcleaningtoilets.”
“No,thereisn’t.”Hegavemeasmallnod.“Whatdidyoudobeforeyoucamehere?YouworkedforWard?”
“Iwasamarketingexecutiveforthecompany.Mybrotherisbeinggroomedtotakeoverformyfather,butmysisterandIgrewupknowingwe’dalwayshavejobswiththecompany.Wewereexpectedtoworkthere.IstartedthedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege.”
“Wheredidyougotoschool?”
“IhaveadegreeinsociologyfromPrinceton.Notexactlyuseful,butitwasinteresting.”
Knoxwassilentforalongmoment,thenhelaughed.“Princeton.WhydidyouchoosetoworkatTheEloise?Whynotfindsomethingthatpaidmore?”
“HotelsarewhatI’vealwaysknown.”AndthoughIprobablycouldhavefoundacushyresortandworkedmywayintoageneralmanagerposition,Dadhadrequiredhisexecutives,includinghisdaughters,tosignaten-yearnoncompete.
“Itseemedliketheeasychoice,”Isaid.“Notthattheworkiseasy.It’sthehardestjobI’veeverhad.Butwithsomanyotherchanges,Iwantedthefamiliarityofahotel.EvenifI’venevercleanedaroominmylife.”
Heblinked.“Seriously?You’venevercleanedbeforethis?”
“Ihadamaid,”Iadmitted.“IwatchedalotofvideosonYouTubebeforeIstarted.”
“Well…accordingtoEloise,you’redoingahellofajob.”
“Thankyou.”Iwasgladitwasdarksohewouldn’tseemeblush.“Iwon’tbeahousekeeperforever,butIwasnevergiventhechancetochoosemyownpath.WhenI’mready,I’llfindsomethingthatpaysmore.Thatleansonmyeducation.Therearen’tatonofopportunitiesinasmalltown,butI’llkeepmyeyeout.Fornow,IlikewhereI’mat.”
“Youcouldhavepickedanyothertown.”
Ishookmyhead.“IchoseQuincy.”
Thistownwasmine.
ItwashardtoexplainhowI’dbecomesoattachedtothisplaceinsuchashorttime.ButeverytimeIdrovedownMain,itfeltmoreandmorelikehome.EverytimeIwenttothegrocerystoreandmyfavoritecashier—Maxine—complimentedmeonhavingsuchanadorablebaby,Ifeltmyheartsettle.EverytimeIwalkedintoTheEloise,IfeltlikeIbelonged.
“Myparentswouldhateithere.”Ismiled.
“Partofitsappeal?”
“Atfirst.”Idroppedmygazetomylap.“Iknowhowallofthissounds.It’spartofthereasonwhyIhaven’ttoldanyone.Poorlittlerichgirlgivesupherfortune,movestoMontana,andlivespaychecktopaycheckallbecauseshewassickandtiredofherfatherorderingheraround.”
Sayingitaloudmademecringe.
“Ididn’tturnmylifeupsidedowntospiteanyone.IdiditforDrake.BecauseIbelieveinmyheartofhearts,thisisabetterlife.Evenifit’shard.Evenifwe’realone.”We’dbeenalonesincethebeginning.
“WouldtheyhavemadeyourlifemiserableinNewYork?”Knoxasked.
“Theywouldhavecontrolledit.Theywouldhaverippedthedecisionsoutofmyhands,especiallywhenitcametoDrake.”Hewouldhavehadanannyandbeenshippedawaytoboardingschoolatageten.“Idon’twanttolivebysomeoneelse’srulesimplybecausehepullsthestringswithmymoney.”
“Icanappreciatethat.Sowhathappenswhenyouturnthirty?Whenhe’snotinchargeofyourtrustfund?”
“Idon’tknow,”Iadmitted.“I’mnotgoingtoholdouthopethatthemoneywillbethere.Iexpectmyfathertofindawaytotakeithimself.Probablybuyanotherhotelinanothercity.”
“Canhedothat?Isitlegal?”
Iliftedashoulder.“Ialwayshavetheoptiontofight.Tohireanattorneyandgoafterit.Inafewyears,maybeI’llfeeldifferently,butatthemoment,Idon’twantanypartofit.Ihadenoughmoneysaveduptobuymycar.OnceIgetahead,I’llseewhatmyoptionsareforbuyingahouse.Rightnow,it’smoreimportantformetocountonmyselfthananyoneelse.Myfamilywassupposedtobethereforme,butonthefirst-worstdayofmylife,theyletmedown.SoI’veletthemgo.”
Hisforeheadfurrowed.“Youkeeptrackofyourworstdays?”
“It’ssilly,butyes.”
“Whatwasthefirst?”
Igavehimasadsmile.“ThedayIhadDrake.Itwasalsothefirst-bestdayofmylife.”
“Igetwhyitwasthebestday.”HesplayedhisfingersacrossDrake’sback.Forwhateverreason,hedidn’tseemreadytoputthebabyinhiscrib.Knoxsimplyheldhim,ensuringthatmysonslept.“Whywasitthefirst-worstdaytoo?”
“BecauseIwasalone.MybrotherandfatherarecutfromthesameclothsoIhadn’texpectedmuchfromthem,butIthoughtmymomwouldatleastshowatthehospitalforthebirthofherfirstgrandchild.Maybemysister.Buttheyallignoredmycallsanddidn’trespondtomytexts.Iwasinlaborforseventeenhours.”
Thecrying.Thepain.Theexhaustion.
ThatwasthedayOldMemphishaddied.Becauseshe’drealizedthatthelifeshe’dlivedwassoshallowthatnotasinglepersonhadcometosimplyholdherhand.Nofamily.Nofriends.
“Theepiduraldidn’twork,”Isaid.“ThedoctorsfinallytoldmethatIhadtohaveanemergencyC-section.Iwokeupadaylaterafteralmostdyingfromapostpartumhemorrhage.”
“Fuck,”Knoxmuttered.
“Drakewashealthy.Thatwasallthatmattered.Wecampedinthehospitalforacoupleofweeks,andwhentheysentushome,Iwasalreadyplanninganexitfromthecity.WhenDadcalledtotellmethatIhadtomoveout,Isimplyescalatedmydeparturedate.”
Thankfully,hehadn’tfiredmeuntilafterDrakewasborn.OrmaybeI’dquit.ConsideringI’dresignedandhe’dfiredmeduringthesamephoneconversationwhileI’dbeeninahospitalbed,Iwasn’texactlysurehowHumanResourceshadprocessedthatone.AllIcaredaboutwasthatmyinsurancehadstillbeenactive,soithadcoveredmymedicalbills.
DadmusthavethoughtthatafterDrakewasborn,I’dchangemymind.ThatI’dbendtohisironwill.Maybehadheshownupatthehospital,Iwouldhave.
“IchoseQuincy.Iappliedattheinn.IboughttheVolvo,andafterEloiseofferedmeajob,Istartedsearchingforrentalshere.WhenIcouldn’tfindoneafteraweekoflooking…well,hereIam.”
“Hereyouare.”Therewassomethinginhisvoice.Afondnesswhereirritationhadoncebeen.
KnoxandIsatonthecouch,eyeslockedthroughthedark.
Nowhehadmystory,ormostofit.Somepiecesweremineandminealone.Oneday,theymightbeDrake’sbutthatwasaworryforthefuture.
TherewerepiecestomytaleIloathed.PartsofthestorywhereI’dfailed.Butmostly,Iwasbeginningtofeel…proud.
ComingtoQuincyhadbeentherightdecision.
“You’dbettergetsomesleep.”Knoxstoodfromthecouchinonefluidmovement,takingDraketohiscrib.Knoxlaidhimdown,brushingthehairawayfromhisforehead,thenstoodandwalkedtothedoorwhereIwaitedtoseehimout.
“Thankyou.”LikeIalwaysapologizedwhenheknocked,Ithankedhimbeforeheleft.
Knoxbenttopullonhisshoes,thenhestoodtallandnodded,reachingforthedoor’shandle.Buthepausedbeforesteppingoutsideandintothenight.Heturnedtome,atoweratoversixfeettall.Inmybarefeet,Iwasonlyfivefour.
“You’renotalone.Notanymore.”
Iopenedmymouthbutnowordscameout.Hewashuggingmeagain,holdingmesotightwiththoseinvisiblearmsthatIcouldn’tspeak.
Knoxliftedhishandtomycheekandtuckedanerrantlockofhairbehindmyear.Justonebrushofhisfingertipsandeverynerveendinginmybodysparked.Mybreathhitched.
“Goodnight,Memphis.”Thenhewasgone,closingthedoorbehindhimasheretreatedtohishouse.
Asmileghostedmylips.“Goodnight,Knox.”CHAPTEREIGHTKNOX
Abirdchirpedoutsideandmygazesnappedtothewindowsforthehundredthtimeinanhour.Thedrivewaywasempty,justlikeithadbeenthreeminutesago.
“Gah.”IdraggedahandthroughmyhairandswipedthelastT-shirtfromthepileofcleanclothesonmybed,takingittotheclosetforahanger.ThenIcartedtheemptybaskettothelaundryroomandheadedforthekitchen.
Thedishesweredone.Thefridgestocked.Theentirehouseclean.
Forthefirsttimeinmonths,I’dtakenanentiredayoff.Notahugefeat.TheactualaccomplishmenthadbeennotgoingintoKnucklesonmydayoff.Therestauranthadatetheronmymindandmostvacationdays,I’dstoptocheckin.Mothering,accordingtoSkip.
Buttoday,Ihadn’tleftmyhome.Ihadn’tevencalledtoseehowthingsweregoing.MondayswereaquietdaysoIdoubtedthere’dbeamadrush,especiallyattheendofOctober.Still,myfingersitchedtodialthephonesimplyforthedistraction.Simplytotakemymindofftheclock.
Itwassix.Shouldn’tMemphisbehomebynow?Iwasn’tactuallysurewhattimeshecamehome—Iwasalwaysattherestaurant—buthershiftendedatfive.Wherewasshe?
Fivedayshadpassedsinceshe’dtoldmeaboutherfamily.FivedaysandfivenightswithoutMemphis.Therestauranthadbeenbusyovertheweekendwitharushofhuntersstayingatthehotel.Ourpathshadn’tcrossed.AndeachnightwhenI’dcomehomeafterdark,thelightshadbeenoffintheloft.Drakehadn’twokenmeup.
Withorwithouthiscrying,I’dbegoingovertonight.
Ijust…damnit,Imissedher.Imissedthesweetscentofherperfume.Imissedhersoftwhisper.Imissedthewayshe’dduckherchintohideablush.
I’dfindanexcusetovisit,evenifitwasjusttostayhello.Toletherknowthatthestoryshe’dsharedaboutherparentshadn’tscaredmeaway.Nowondershe’descapedtoMontana.
Whatshe’dgonethrough,alone,wasunthinkable.
Myfamilywasnothingbutsupportive—borderlineoverbearing,butonlybecausetheycared.NotinamillionyearswouldMomandDadtreattheirdaughtersthewayMemphishadbeentreated.Notinamillionyearswouldtheynothaveheldtheirgrandchild.
Fuck,butshewasstrong.Irespectedthehelloutofherforwalkingaway.Fromthemoney.Fromthelegacy.Fromthecontrol.Iadmiredherforputtingherson’slifefirst.
Riskyasitwas,Ihadtoseeher.AndhopefullyI’dmanagetokeepfromkissingher.
Becausedamn,didIwanttokissher.LikeI’dalmostkissedhertheothernight.
Sixeleven.Whydidn’tIknowherschedule?Whatifsheneededhelp?Whowouldshecall?Didsheevenhavemynumber?
Thetapofmyfingersonthegranitecountersfilledthequiethouse.I’dthoughtI’dmissthis.Thequiet.Thesolitude.ButI’dhadthisanxiousknotinmygutallday,theplacetoostill.Tooempty.Wherewasshe?
Houseworkhadn’thelpedsettlethenerves.Neitherhadcleaningoutthegarage.Allthreestallswerenowclean,givingbothMemphisandmeplentyofspacetoparkoncethesnowarrived.Ihadn’tplannedoncookingtoday.Ihadplentyofleftoverstopickat.
ButIneededanoutlet,anythingtogetmymindofftheemptydriveway,soIstalkedtothepantryandtookoutabagofsemolinaflour.
Itshouldn’thavetakenlongtomakepastadoughandrollitout.ExcepteverythirtysecondsIglanceddownthelane,hopingtoseeagrayVolvoheadingmydirection.Theonlythingbeyondtheglasswasachillyfallday.
Thegrassesinthemeadowshadfadedfromgreentogold.Theponderosapinesweredustedwithfrost.Themountainsinthedistancewerecappedwhite.
Fallwasmyfavoriteseason,andotherthanasmallinfluxofhunterstothearea,thereweremorefamiliarfacesthannotonMainthesedays.We’dbeslowatthehoteluntiltheholidays.Thiswasthetimetocatchuponsomerest.
Buttodayhadbeenanythingbutrelaxing,andifIwasgoingtofeelthiswayonadayoff,well…I’dmotherSkipuntilChristmas.
Withthepastacutandready,Ifoundapotandsetittoboil.ThenIpulledabundleofbabyspinachandmushroomsfromthefridge.Iwasdiggingforcreamtomakeasimplesaucewhen,outside,gravelcrunchedbeneathtires.
Thesmartthingtodowouldbestayrighthere,myfaceburiedinmyrefrigerator,butIslammeditshutandstrodeforthefrontdoor.
MemphiswasunlockingDrake’scarseatwhenIsteppedoutside.Shestoodtall,heftinghiscarrieroveranarm,andwhensheglancedovertheVolvo’sroof,myheartdropped.Herfacewassplotchy.Hereyeswererimmedinredlikeshe’dcriedtheentiredrivehere.AndDrakewasscreaming.
ItremindedmeofherfirstdayinQuincy.Ihadn’tlikedseeingitthen.Isureasfuckdidn’tlikeseeingitnow.
“What’swrong?”Icrossedthedriveway,movingrightintoherspaceandtakingthehandleofthecarseat.
“Nothing.”Shewaveditoffandsniffled.“JustaMonday.”
“Memphis,”Iwarned.
“I’mfine.”ShereachedintothecarandpulledoutDrake’sdiaperbagbeforeshuttingthedoorandmovingtothetrunk,liftingitopen.Anothertear,onethatshehadn’tbeenabletodry,drippeddownhercheek.
Ididn’tliketoseeDrakecry.ButMemphis?Itwaslikegettingthewindknockedoutofme.
“Hey.”Iwenttohersideandfitmyhandtoherelbow.“Whathappened,honey?”
“Ijust…”Hershoulderssagged.“Ihadabadday.”
Hadsomethinghappenedatthehotel?Wasitaboutherfamily?OrDrake’sfather?TherewereahundredunansweredquestionswhenitcametoMemphisandherpast,butDrakewascryingandnowwasn’tthetimetodig.
SoIreachedpastherforthepackageofdiapersinthetrunk,thenstrodeforthedoor.
“Whereareyougoing?”shecalledtomybackasIwalkedtowardmyplace,nothers.
“Takingtheseinside.”
“You’regoingthewrongway.”
“Comeon.”Ikeptwalkingstraightformyhouse,wherethescentoffloorcleanerandlaundrysoapclungtotheair.
AsImademywaytothekitchenwiththebaby,thedoorclosedbehindme.IsetthediapersontheislandalongwithDrake’sseat,unbucklinghimasMemphis’sfootstepssoundedovermyshoulder.
“Thisbadday.Diditrankinyourtopfive?”
Shecameupbesideme,watchingasIliftedDrakefromhisseat.“No.”
“Good.”
BeforeIcouldsettleDrakeonmyshoulder,shestolehersonfrommyhands,cradlinghiminherarms.Thenshebreathed,abreathsodeepandlongitwaslikeshe’dbeenunderwaterforfiveminutesandwasfinallybreakingthroughthesurface.
SheclosedhereyesandpepperedDrake’sforeheadwithkisses.Hisfussingstoppedalmostimmediately.
Howcouldshenotseehowmuchshesettledhim?Yeah,maybetheystruggledatoneinthemorning.Butthatkidneededherlikesheneededhim.Thosetwoweredestinedtobetogether.
Watchingthemwaslikeintrudingonaritual,amomentthattheyhadeachday,cominghomeandfindingpeacetogether.
Igavethemaminute,headingtothefridgetouncorkabottleofpinotgrigioandpourtwoglasses.
“You’rebusy,”shesaid.“Wewon’tinterruptyournight.”
Icarriedoverherglassofwine.“Stayfordinner.”
“Whatareyoumaking?”Shehoveredatthecorneroftheisland,surveyingthepastaandvegetablesonthecuttingboard.
“Dinner.”Ismirked.“You’llfindoutifyoustay.”
Sherolledhereyes,asmiletoyingatthecornerofherprettymouth.Butshetookthewineandhershouldersbegantheirslowcreepawayfromherears.“Thankyou.”
“Makeyourselfathome.”
WithDrakeonherhip,sheglancedaroundthespace.“Youweren’tattherestauranttoday.”
“Younoticed?”
Sheshrugged.“Iusuallyparkbesideyourtruck.”
That,orshelookedforme.MaybeasoftenasIlookedforher.
Iwenttothecuttingboardandbeganchoppingthespinachwhilesherifledthroughthediaperbagandtookoutabottlewithpowderedformulainthebottom.
Sheeasedpastmeforthesink,fillingthebottlewithwaterbeforeshakingitup.Thenshewalkedtothelivingroom,takingaseatonthecouchtofeedDrake.
Idroppedthepastaintotheboilingwater,thenpickedupherwineglass,takingittoherinthelivingroom.
“Youhaveabeautifulhome.”Therewasasadnessinherexpressionasshespoke.
“What’sthatlookfor?”Iperchedontheedgeofthecoffeetable,mykneesjustinchesfromhers.
Itwastooclose.
Itwasn’tcloseenough.
WhateverlinesI’dintendedtokeepbetweenusweremeltingaway.
“Idon’tknowwhat’swrongwithmetoday.”ShelookeddownatDrake.“He’salmostfourmonthsold.Howdidthathappen?Howdidhegrowsofast?”
“I’vebeentoldthat’swhatkidsdo.”
Shegavemeasadsmile.“Doyouthinkhelovesme?”
“Lookathimandyou’llgetyouranswer.”
Becausethatlittleboywasstaringathismotherlikeshe’dhungthemoonandstars.Hechuggedhisbottle,restinginherarmswithoutacareintheworld
Sheclosedhereyesandnodded.Thenshestraightened,shakingoffthesadness.“ThisisnotyourtypicalMontana-stylehome.NotthatI’vebeentomany.Butit’sdifferentthananythingI’veseendrivingthroughtown.It’sverymodern.”
“Ifyou’relookingfortraditionalcountryhomes,you’llhavetovisitmyparents’place.OrGriffandWinn’s.”
“Thissuitsyou.Thecleanlines.Thewindows.Themoodyatmosphere.”
“AreyousayingI’mmoody?”
Shesmiledwider,thebiggestvictoryinmyday.“Lookinthemirrorandyou’llgetyouranswer.”
“Wellplayed,Ms.Ward.”Ichuckledandstood,returningtothekitchen.
MemphisfinishedfeedingDrake,thencarriedhimtotheisland,watchingasIworked.“Whydidyouchoosethisstyleofdesign?”
“WhenIwaslivinginSanFrancisco,Iwasinthiscramped,two-bedroomapartmentwiththreetotalwindows.Theyallfacedthebrickbuildingacrossthealley.Drovemenutsnotbeingabletolookoutsideandseefartherthantwentyfeet.”
Notrees.Nograss.Noteventhesky.ForaMontanaguywho’dgrownuponasprawlingranch,thatapartmentmightaswellhavebeenaprisoncell.
“WhenImovedhome,IknewIwantedtoliveinthecountry,butIwasselectiveabouttheproperty.MyparentsandGriffinsuggestedapartoftheranch,butIwantedtobeclosertotown.Whenthewinterroadsareshit,theydon’thavetoleavebutIhavetodriveintotowneachday.Itookmytime,waitingfortherightpropertytocomeonthemarket.WhileIwaited,Ilivedinthecaretaker’sapartmentatthehotel.”
“Oh,Ididn’tknowtherewasacaretaker’sapartment.”
“Apartmentisagenerousterm,”Isaid.“Itwassmallerthanyourloft.Butit’sgonenow.Itwasbesidethekitchen,andwhenweremodeled,Itookthewallouttousethatspaceforthewalk-inandmyoffice.”
“Ah.”Shenodded.“I’mguessingtherewerenowindowsinthatapartment.”
“Notone.IwassotiredofartificiallightthatwhenIboughtthislandandhiredmyarchitect,ItoldhimthatIwantedenoughwindowsthatIcouldseeoutsidefromeveryinchofthehouse.Eventhebathrooms.”
Hereyesscannedthewalls.“NowIhavetoseethesebathrooms.”
Ichuckledandpointeddownthehallway.“There’stwodownthatway.Andthenoneinmysuite.Goahead.I’llfinishthisupwhileyoucheckitout.”
Shesmiledandwentoffexploring,takingDrakewithher.
Iwatchedherdisappear,mygazerakingdownherslendershoulderstothesoftswayofherhips.Herjeansclungtothecurveofherassandthoselean,longlegs.Thetendrilsofherhairswishedagainstherwaist.
Damnthathair.Sooftenatwork,shehaditupinaponytail.WhenIwenttotheloft,itwasusuallyinamessybun.ItwaslongerthanI’drealized.AndallIwantedwastowrapthoseblondwavesaroundmyfistwhileItookhermouth.Iwantedthathairspreadonmypillowandthreadedbetweenmyfingers.
Mycockswelled.“Focus,”Imuttered.
Ifinishedwiththepasta,makingthesauceandaddingthevegetables.ThenIserveduseachabowl,toppingitwithfreshparmesanandItalianparsley.Iwasrefillingherwineglassasshepassedthekitchen,headingtowardmybedroom.
Withnapkinsandforksout,IsetupDrake’scarseatonthetablesohecouldsitandwatchuseat.
“Doyoueverworrythatsomeonewillwalkintoyourbackyardandcatchyouintheshower?”Memphisaskedasshereturnedtotheroom.
Thelivingroom,kitchenanddiningroomwereallconnectedinanopenconcept.Itmeantthatfromthekitchen,IcouldstillparticipateinconversationswhenIhadpeopleover.
“Nah.Noonecomesouthere.Ididhaveadeercheckmeoutthissummer.”
Shegiggled,anotherwin,andputDrakeinhisseat.Thenshetookthechairclosesttohimandplacedthenapkinonherlap.“Thankyouforthis.Formakingmedinnerandmakingmesmile.”
“That’stwothank-youssinceyou’vewalkedthroughthedoor.”SheopenedhermouthbutIheldupahandtostopher.“Don’tapologize.”
“Okay.”Alaughsparkledinthosechocolate-browneyes,thecaramelflecksdancing.Thatlaughshotstraighttomygroin.
“Digin.”Iswallowedhardandpickedupmyfork,butitfrozemidairasshetwirledabiteofpastaandliftedittohermouth.Whenherheadlolledtoonesideasshechewedandsheclosedhereyes,alookofsheerpleasurecrossedherface.
AlookIwantedtoseewhileIwasburiedinsidehertightheat.
Shedidn’tevenrealizeherbeauty,didshe?Memphiswasasweettemptationandasinfulcraving.
Drakekickedinhischair,lettingoutahappysqueal.Idroppedmygazetomybowl,focusingonthemealinsteadofhismother.
“Thisisdelicious,”shesaid.
“It’sfairlysimple.”
“Maybeforyou.”
“Doyoucookmuch?”Iasked.
Sheshookherhead.“No.Myparentshadachefgrowingup.AndIateoutalotinthecity.”
“Wantmetoteachyouhowtocook?”
“Maybe.”Anothersmile.Anothervictory.
Drakemadeanotherstringofnoises,keepingusbothentertainedasweate.
“Iguesshedidn’thavemuchofanapatdaycaretoday.”Memphispinchedhisshoe-coveredfoot.“Maybehe’llactuallysleepallnight.”
“Maybe.”IhatedthatIhopedhedidn’t.
“IwantedtotellyouthatIthinkIfoundanewrental.”
Theforkdroppedfrommyhand,clatteringintomyemptybowl.“What?Where?”
WhenEloisehadaskedmetogiveMemphistheloft,she’dsaidMemphiswouldlikelybeoutbywinter.Well,winterwasjustaroundthecorner,andtheideaofhermovingmademystomachtwist.
Itwastoosoon,right?She’djustmovedhere.Theywerejustgettingsettledintoaroutine.Whatwasthegoddamnrush?
“It’snotfarfromthehotel,actually.”Sherattledofftheaddressandmyheartclimbeddownfrommythroat.
“Youcan’tlivethere.”
Herforeheadfurrowed.“Whynot?”
“BecauseIknowwhichplaceyou’retalkingabout.Alight-blueduplex,right?”
“Yeah.”
“IalmostmovedintherewhenIcamebacktoQuincy.Ithasaprettyhighturnoverbecauseit’srightbyWillie’s.”
“What’sWillie’s?”
“Abarandthelocalhangout.It’llbeloud.”
“Oh.”Shefrowned.“Iwasjustthereanditwasquiet.”
“It’saMonday.DrivebyonFridayorSaturdaynight.”
“Dang.”Shesighed.“Well,IpromiseI’mlooking.”
“Don’tworryaboutit.Youcanstayhereaslongasyouneed.”
Intheweeksshe’dbeenhere,I’dgrownattachedtohercarinthedriveway.I’dgottenusedtolookingforherlightinthemornings.AndIlikedknowingshewasasleep,closeby,whenIcamehomeeachnight.
“Thiswasatemporaryarrangement,”shesaid.
“Doyouwanttoleave?”Iheldmybreath,waitingfortheanswer.
“No.”
Thankfuck.“Stay.Youdon’tneedtomoveout.”
“Areyousure?”
Ishrugged.“Itwillbealoteasiertoteachyouhowtocookifyou’remyneighbor.”
Shesmiledagainandstood,collectingouremptydishes.“I’llcleanup.”
“You’vebeencleaningallday.”
“Idon’tmind.”Shemovedaroundthekitcheneasily.
Istaredunabashedly.
Ididn’tlikehavingpeopleinmykitchen.EvenMomandLylaknewnottointrudewhentheycameover.ForMemphis,I’dmakeanexception.
“I’dbettergetDrakehomeandinthebath,”shesaidasshehungadishtowelontheoven’shandle.
“I’llcarryhimup.”
Shedidn’targueasIhoistedDrakewithonearm,usingmyfreehandtotakethecarseatwhileMemphishauledherpurseandthediaperstotheloft.WhenherthingswereputawayandDrakewaslyingonablanket,shewalkedmetothedoor.“Thanksagainfordinner.”
“Welcome.”Thelockofhair,thesameoneI’dtuckedbehindhereartheothernight,fellacrossherforehead.
Myfingertipssmootheditaway,earningahitchinherbreath.Hergazedroppedtomymouth.
Iinchedcloser,untilthecurveofherpertbreastsbrushedagainstmyT-shirt.
Sheroseuponhertoes,herhandliftingtomypec.Herpalmpressedintomyhardnipple.
Iwasleaningdown,readytotakethatmouthandmakeitmine,whenDrakecooed.
MyentirebodytensedbeforeItookastepaway.Damn.TheprettypinkblushonMemphis’scheeksmatchedthecolorofherlips.“Igottago.”
“Yeah.”Sheshiedaway.“I’d,um…bettergethimreadyforbed.”
“Night.”Iforcedmyselfoutthedoorandtomyhouseforacoldshower.ThenIspenttherestofthenightreading—orstaringatthesamepageforhoursbecausemyconcentrationwasshit,thankstothatalmostkiss.
God,Iwantedher.IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dcravedawoman.Herbody.Hermind.Hertime.Iwanteditall.
Except…Drake.
Thekidchangedeverything.
DarknesscreptthroughthehouseasIcrawledintobed,wishingforthefirsttimethatIwasn’tbeneaththisroofalone.
Myparentsandsiblingsusedtodropbymoreoften.ButthatwasbeforeHudsonwasborn,andnowweallseemedtocongregateatGriffandWinn’splacesothathewasclosetohiscrib.
MemphisandDrakehadbroughtlifetomyhome.LaughterandnoisethatIhadn’tevenrealizedI’dwanted.
Ihatedgivingcookinglessons.Itwasmyownpersonalbrandoftorture.ButforthechancetohaveMemphishere,justalittlewhilelonger,I’dendure.
Memphis.HernamewasonmymindasIdriftedofftosleep.
Memphis.Ineverhadfoundoutwhyshe’dbeencryingwhenshe’dcomehome.
Andthenextmorning,whenshecamedowntheloft’sstairswithabrightsmile,Idecidednottoask.CHAPTERNINEMEMPHIS
DrakecriedtheminuteIliftedhimoutofJill’sarms.“Comeon,baby.Timetogohome.”
Everydayitseemedharderandhardertopickhimupfromdaycare.Sheseemedmorereluctanttolethimgo.Andhewasfussiertobesweptaway.
“It’sokay,Drakey.”Jillsmoothedouthishair.“Youhavetogowithyourmomnow.ButI’llseeyoutomorrow.”
Thewayshesaidyourmomgratedonmynerves.LikeIwasanintruderhere,nothisparent.Iforcedatightsmile,practicallyrippinghimoutofherreach.“Thanks,Jill.”
Drakekeptcrying,staringatherlikesheshouldsavehim.
“Haveafunnight.”Hersmilelookedforcedandtighttoo.
Jillwasprobablyinhermid-twenties.Herbrownhairwascutintoabobandshehadthesecuteblack-framedglasses.Whenwe’dmet,I’dthoughtitwasgreatthatshewassoyoung.Herauntownedthedaycarecenterandshe’dbeenworkinghereforyears.I’dactuallythoughtmaybewecouldbefriends.
Now,Iwantedtospendtheleastamountoftimewithheraspossible.
“Bye.”IpickedupthediaperbagandcarriedDraketohiscarseat,shovingasidetheHalloweencostumeshe’dputonhimtogetthestrapsoverhisshoulders.Theharnesswastootightbecausethiswasn’tthecostumeI’dputhiminthismorning.
Apparentlymyhomemadelamboutfithadn’tbeengoodenough.
WhenI’darrivedfiveminutesago,I’dfoundDrakeinapumpkinsuit,completewithagreenhat.
Jillhadboughtitherself,justforhim.Theotherthreebabiesinthenurserydidn’thavespecialcostumes,butDrakewasherfavoriteandshemadenoqualmsaboutshowingitdaily.
Idoubtedhe’dbeenputdownsinceI’ddroppedhimoffthismorning.Jillcarriedhimconstantly,soathome,whenIwouldlayhimonaplaymatorputhiminabouncerjustsoIcouldgotothebathroomortryandfixamealorchangemyclothes,he’dscreamhistinyheadoff.
I’daskedherthismorningtomakesurehehadsomefloormatplaytime.She’dlaughedandteasedthathewasjusttoocutetoletgo.
Tearswelledinmyeyesashecried,hisvoicebouncingdownthehallway.Thedaycarecenterwasahousetheownerhadconvertedforchildcare.Therewerefourrooms,eachfordifferentagegroups.
I’dhopedthatDrakecouldstayhere,advancingtothevariousroomsashegotolder,butIcouldn’tkeepdoingthis.Icouldn’tshowuphereeveryday,leavehimwithaheavyheart,thenpickhimupandcryonthewayhomebecausehewantedJill,notme.
Itwasanentirelyselfishreaction.I’dbeenchastisingmyselfforweeks.
Hewashappyhere.That’swhyhecried.Shespoiledhimbecauseshelovedhim.Thatwasn’tabadthing,wasit?WhydidIfeelthisawful?
Aweekago,thenightKnoxhadmademepasta,I’dalmostansweredthephonewhenithadrung.I’dalmostcaved.Yesterdayhadbeenthesame.Themostrecentcallmarked126total.I’ddeclinedthemall.Butdamn,itwastempting.
IcouldgobacktoNewYorkandliveoffsomeoneelse’smoney.Icouldbeastay-at-homemomuntilDrakewenttokindergarten.Nomorecleaninghotelrooms.NomoreeatingCupNoodles.Nomorebudget.
Nomorefreedom.
Don’tgiveup.
Thesnowwasfallinginapolka-dotcurtainasIhurriedDraketothecar.Ithadstartedsnowingaroundnoon,andtheweathershowednosignsofchanging.
“Somuchfortrick-or-treating.”I’dhavetosettleforastopatthehotel,whereEloisehadabowlofcandy.Thenwe’dgohome.
Ijustwantedtobehome.
WithDrake’sseatlatched,Islidbehindthewheelandbrushedawaytheunshedtears.ThenIsquaredmyshouldersanddrovetoTheEloise,parkingbesideKnox’struckinthealley.
IduckedmyheadasIwalkedinsidesotheflakeswouldn’tflyinmyface.TheblanketI’dputoverDrakekepthimdryuntilImadeittothebreakroom,whereIwentaboutchangingmysonintohisactualHalloweencostume.
Thepumpkinsuitwasstuffedinthetrash.
ItwouldbeeasierifJilldidn’tlikeDrake.Somucheasier.Whatkindofmotherwantedherson’scaregivertodislikehim?Ajealousone.
“WhyamIsuchamess?”
Drakestaredatmebutdidn’tgivemeananswer.He’dstoppedcryingonthedriveover.
IhadtogetoverthisissuewithJill.Thishadtoend.
Shebuggedme.God,shebuggedme.Itwasherattitudetowardmethatrubbedraw.ButIdidn’thavealotofoptions.
Thereweren’totherdaycarecenterswithinfantopenings.I’dcalledeverysingleonelastweek.Anditwasn’tlikeIcouldtalktotheowner.WhatwouldIevensay?Tellyourniecetostoplovingmychildsomuch?
Jillspoiledhim.Sowhat?Icouldnot.Thatwasmysadreality.Icouldn’taffordanexpensivecostumeortostayhomewithhimallday,cartinghimaroundonahip.Somehow,Ihadtogetridofthisgnawingenvyandjustletherfavormyson.
AndI’dsettleforthemomentsthatweremine.Liketonight.
ItuggedthehatI’dmadeoverDrake’shairandblewaraspberryonhisneck,earningasmile.“I’mnotsobad,amI?”
Hekickedhislegs,squirmingtobepickedup.
Iliftedhimintomyarmsandkissedhissoftcheek.“You’reacuterlambthanyouareapumpkin.”
I’dtakenawhiteonesieandgluedcottonballsalloverit,thendonethesamewithawhitecap.ThenI’dpulledtheonesieoveralong-sleevedblackshirtandmatchingpants.Withapairofblackfeltears,hewasalittlefluffylamb.
Themajorityofthetrick-or-treatingwouldhappeninthelocalneighborhoodstonight,butEloisehadmadesurethatanykidswhostoppedbyherewouldn’tleaveempty-handed.She’dsplurgedonking-sizedReese’sCups,ButterfingersandTwix.
Iexpectedtheleftoverswouldbeinthebreakroomtomorrowmorning.HopefullyIcouldsnagaSnickersforbreakfast.
Withhiscarseatstowedinthecorneroftheroom,IcarriedDraketothelobby,whereaclusterofpeopleweregatheredaroundthecandybowl.
“Memphis.”Eloisewavedmeovertothehuddle.Shewaswearingablackwitch’shatandheldthebroomstickshe’dbeentotingallday.
“Hey,Memphis.”WinslowstoodbesideahandsomemanwholookedalotlikeKnox—whichwaswhyIthoughthewashandsome.
“Hi,Winn.”I’dseenherafewtimesatthehotelwhenshe’dcomedownwithhergrandfatherforlunch.Asthechiefofpolice,sheusuallyworeherbadgeandgun.Tonight,ababyboyaboutDrake’sage,dressedasalion,wasproppedonherhipinstead.
“I’mGriffinEden.”Hisblueeyescrinkledatthesidesasheheldouthishand.Thoughhehadthesameheightandbuildashisbrother,Griffinlackedthetattoosandbeardedjaw.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Youtoo.”
GriffinwasoneofthelastEdensiblingsIhadyettomeet.
Lylavisitedthehoteloften,usuallybringingalongatrayofherpastriesfromEdenCoffee.Mateo,theyoungest,workedasafrontdeskclerk.ThedayswhenhewasaroundI’dwalkthroughthelobbyandusuallyseeatleastonewomanflirtingwithhimatthecounter.Itwasalwaysadifferentgirl.
NowtheonlysiblingIhadyettomeetwasLyla’stwin,Talia.ShewasadoctoratthehospitalandI’dmeetheratDrake’sfour-monthcheckupnextweek.WhenI’dcalledtomakemyappointment,they’dtoldmeI’dbeseeingDr.Eden
Inmyshorttimeintown,I’dlearnedthattheEdenswerepracticallyfamous.AnEdenhadfoundedQuincyandtheirfamilyhadlivedhereforgenerations.Theirranchwasoneofthelargestinthestateandtheyhadtheirfairshareofbusinessesinthearea,inadditiontothehotel.
ApparentlytheEdenswereabigdealinQuincy.
InNewYork,afamilyofprestigewouldhaveflauntedit.TheWardscertainlydid.ButeveryEdenI’dmetseemedsohumble.Soreal.LikeKnox.
Itwasathrill,meetinghisfamily.Knowingthepeoplewholovedhimmost.MaybethatwasbecauseOliverhadhiddenhislifefromme.BecauseI’dbeenhisdirtylittlesecret.
Iwasn’tsurewhatwashappeningwithKnox.He’dalmostkissedmetheothernight.Iwouldhavelethim.Mybetterjudgmentscreamedatmetokeepourrelationshipplatonic.Stayonthissideoftheline,wherehewasjustafriend.
“Hey.”Thedeeprumbleofhisvoicesentarushofshiversdownmyspine.
Hell.Thiswastheproblemwiththatline.Everytimehewasaround,Iwantedtocrossit.
IturnedtowatchKnoxcrossthelobby.He’dshedhischef’scoatandwasinalong-sleevedthermal,thesleevespusheduphissinewedforearms.
Myheartdiditsexpectedskip.
Heglancedmywayashewalkedbutotherwise,hisfocuswasonhisbrother.“Youguysherefordinner?”
GriffinheldoutahandtoshakewithKnox.“No,we’reheadingtoMomandDad’ssotheycanseeHudson’scostume.Butwethoughtwe’draidthecandydishherefirst.”
“Raidaway.”EloisehandedWinnfourcandybars.“TwoforHudson.Andtwoforthebaby.”
“Thanks.”Winnsplayedherhandoverherflatbelly.“Thisonelovesthesugar.”
“Maybethatmeansyou’rehavingagirl.”Eloisesmiled.
Winn’sbellywasflat,notyetshowing.Justtheideaofaddinganotherbabytothemixwouldhavesentmyheadspinning.Butshehadhelp.Shehadahusband.
IhadaKnox.Sortof.Fornow.Whateverthatmeant.
“We’regoingtoheadout,”Griffinsaid.“Gettotheranchbeforetheroadsgetworse.Seeyalater.”
ThephonerangfromtheothersideofthelobbyasGriffinescortedhisfamilyouttheglassdoors.
“Willyoumanthecandydishforme?”EloiseaskedandbeforeIcouldfigureoutifshewasaskingmeorKnox,sheranaway,broominhand,tothereceptioncounter.
“Alldeckedout,huh,boss?”KnoxraisedahandtotouchDrake’snose,butpulleditbackatthelastminute.TheflashofanguishwasthereandgonebeforeIcouldblink.
“Imadeit.It’snotperfectbut…”
Hemetmygazeanditwaslikethoseblueeyescouldseemyeveryinsecurity,myeverydoubt.“Whatareyourplans?Trick-or-treating?”
“No,it’stoocold.Eloisetoldmehowmuchcandysheboughtandwasworriednoonewouldcome.”
“Areyouheadinghome?Orcanyoustickaroundforawhile?”
Homewastherightchoice,butallthatwaitedformeintheloftwaslaundryandhishatedblue-boxmacaroniandcheese.“Um…stick?”
“Good.Comeon.”
“Whataboutthecandydish?”
Knoxgrabbedahandfulofbars,grinnedandnoddedformetofollow.
Ifoughtasmileandwalkedwithhimthroughthelobby,wavingatEloiseasshewavedback,hangingupthephonetoreturntoherpostbythedoor.
“It’ssoquietinhere,”IsaidaswewalkedthroughKnuckles.Allbutonetablewasempty.
“Firstsnow.Halloween.”Knoxpointedtoabooth.“Takeaseat.Berightback.”
“Okay.”IpickedthetableinthefarthestcornerincaseDrakegotfussy.ThenIsethimonmylap,bouncinghimlightlyandhandinghimaspoontograspinhischubbyfist.
ItwasstrangetositatatablelikeIwasanactualguest.Withtheexceptionoffastfooddrive-thrusonthetriptoMontana,Ihadn’tbeenouttoeatsinceNewYork.
Knox’smenuhadtheperfectblendoflighterfareandheavyentrées.Noneofitwasinmybudget.NoteventheMcDonald’sdollarmenuwasinmybudget.Butthatdidn’tmatterbecauseKnoxhadbeenregularlydroppingoffmeals.
He’dworkedeverynightthepastweeksothere’dbeennocookinglessonsorvisitstohishome.Buteachnight,afterdark,whenDrakewassleepingandIwascurledinbed,rereadingoneofthee-booksI’dboughtinmyformerlife,Knoxhadstoppedoveronhiswayhome.
Thevisitshadbeenwordless.I’dseetheflashofhisheadlights.I’dfeelthevibrationofthegaragedooropenandclose.I’dhearthethudofhisfootstepsonthesteps.
Up,thendownthestaircasewithoutaknockinbetweenbeforehedisappearedintohishouse.
Thefirstnight,I’drushedtothedoor,wrappedinablanket.He’dalreadybeenhalfwayacrossthedriveway.Oneglanceoverhisshoulder,thenhe’dnoddedattheto-gocontaineratmyfeet.
Thefirstnight,he’dbroughtchickenchili.Thesecond,astewwithfreshbread.Thelistwenton.Thosemealsgavemesomethingtolookforwardto.Somethingwarmandcomfortingtogreetmeathome.
Theswingingdoortothekitchenopenedandhestrodeoutwithtwoplates,eachloadedwithwhatlookedlikepulledporksandwiches.Hesetthemdown,oneonmyside,oneonhis,thenslidintothebooth.
“Youlookedhungry.”Hepoppedafrenchfryinhismouth.
“Youdon’thavetofeedme.”
Heshrugged.“Itweakedmybarbequesaucerecipe.Givemeyourhonestopinionandwe’llcallitsquare.”
Mystomachgrowled,andIshiftedDraketopickupthesandwich.Thefirstbitewas…incredible.Iclosedmyeyes,savoringthesmokysweetness,andletoutamoan.“Wow.”
Knox’sgazewaslockedonmylips.Hisjawwasclenched.
“Sorry,”Iwhispered.
“You’reapologizingforeating?”
No,I’dapologizedforthemoan.Ihadears.Iknewhowithadsounded.Thelastthingweneededwasmoresexualtension.
“Don’t,”heordered,shakinghishead.“Howwasyourday?”
“Good.”Upuntildaycarepickup,ithadbeenfine.“Thereweren’tmanyroomstocleantodayandtheotherhousekeeperwantedtoheadhomeearlysoitwasjustme.”
“It’llprobablybequietforacouplemoreweeksuntilThanksgiving.Ibetyoucouldtakeafewdaysoffifyouwanted.”
“That’sokay.”Ineededthehours.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutsomething.”
“Yeah?”
“Lastweek,yousaidIcouldstay.I’dliketountilspring,ifthat’sokay.”Theideaofmovinginthewinterwasdaunting.Notthatmyapartmenthunthadyieldedanyotherpossibilities.
“LikeIsaid,stayaslongasyouneed.”
Need,notwant.Ihadn’trealizedituntiljustnow,buthe’dsaidneedlastweektoo.Notwant.Need.
Therewasadifference.Onethatcausedastiffnesstocreepintomyshoulders.
Isetmysandwichdownandsatalittletaller.“ThenI’dliketopaymorerent.”
Knoxchuckled.
“It’snotajoke.”
“Iknowitwasn’tajoke.Butit’sunnecessary.”
“YourplaceistwohundreddollarscheaperamonththananyotherplaceIlookedat.”
Acreaseformedbetweenhiseyebrows.“IthoughtyoujustlookedattheonenexttoWillie’s.”
“Icalledafewmore.”
Nowitwashisturntoputhissandwichdown.“When?”
“EversinceImovedin.Theloftwasonlysupposedtobeatemporaryspot.”
“Butyoudon’tneedtomove.”
Therewasthatwordagain.Need.“Thenletmepaymorerent.Letmemakeitfair.”
“No.It’sfairalready.”
“That’sridiculous.”
Knoxscowled.“Youwastingmoneyisridiculous.Saveit.SpenditonaHalloweencostumeorwhatever.”
IflinchedandstaredatDrake.ThreeofthecottonballsI’dgluedontohishatwerecomingapart.MaybethatwaswhyJillhadboughtacostume.Becauseshe’dhadnofaiththatIcouldmakeoneonmyown.
Becauseshewasbetter.
“Whywon’tyouletmepaymore?”Iasked,myvoiceweak.
“Becauseyoudon’t—”
“Needto?”Ifinishedforhim.Theslimeofshamecreptacrossmyskin,andarealizationwithit.Isthathowthisfamilysawme?Asacharitycase?
Itwouldmakesense.ItmadesensewhyEloisehadgivenmethebestshifts.Howshe’dsetmeupwithanapartment.WhyKnoxmadesuretokeepmefed.
“Memphis,Idon’tneedtherentmoney.”
“It’snotaboutyouneedingthemoney.”Imethisgazeandthepityinhiseyeswascrippling.“It’saboutmebeingabletopayit.”
“Butyoudon’tneedto,honey.”
Honey.Thiswasthesecondtimehe’dcalledmehoney.I’dmissedtheundertonethefirsttime,butatthemoment,itfeltlikeanendearmenthe’dgiveachild.Someoneless.
Me.Iwasless.
“Thesauceisdelicious.”IpriedthespoonfromDrake’sfist,thenslidoutofthebooth.“Excuseme.”
“Memphis.”
Ididn’tstopmovingashestoodtoo.Buthedidn’tfollowasIhurriedfromtherestaurantstraighttothebreakroomtocollectDrake’sthings.Thenwewereoutthedoor,rushingthroughthestormtomycar.
TherewerenotearsasIdrovethroughtowntothehighway,navigatingthatfamiliarpathtoJuniperHill.Iwastoostunnedtocry.WhateverconfidenceI’dbuilthereinQuincymelted,likethesnowflakesthathitmywindshield.
HowhadInotseenthis?HowcouldIbesoblind?TheEdenswereawealthyandwell-knownfamily.Wealthyandwell-knownfamiliesdidn’tassociatewithpeoplelikemeunlesstheyweretryingtosavethem.Savethepoorpeople.
HowmanygalashadIattendedwherethathadbeentheunspokencause?
Iwasthepoor,helplesswomanwho’dcometoQuincywithherbelongingsinthetrunkofacar.Iwasthewomanwhocouldn’tafforddecentmeals,soIgottheleftovers.Iwasthegirlwho’dnevercleanedaroombeforeherfirstdayasahousekeeper.
EloisehadgivenmecomplimentaftercomplimentsinceI’dstartedworkingatthehotel.ButshesweptthrougheveryroomafterIwasdone.Everysingleone.Shealwayshadoneortwopairsofwhiteslippersinherhand,acomplimentarygiftfortheguests.ExceptIcouldhaveaddedtheslippersmyself.
Hadshefixedmymistakes?HadshesentinanotherhousekeepertocleanwhatI’dmissed?
MystomachwasinknotsbythetimeIparkedinthegarageathome.ItookDrakeinsideandfedhimabottlebeforepeelingoffhissillycostume.MorecottonballscamelooseandbythetimeIhadhimnakedforhisbath,itallsatinasadheaponthefloor.
I’dhopedtosavethatcostume,toputitinabinwithhisbabyshoesandhospitalbracelet.Instead,whenDrakewasdressedinhispajamasandinhisbouncer,Iballeditupandtosseditinthetrash.Itwasgarbage.IthurtsobadlythatIpressedahandtomychest,rubbingattheache.
ThephonerangfromwhereI’dleftitonthekitchencounter.Ifroze,staringatitfromadistance.ThenamewasunreadablefromwhereIstoodbutIknewwhoitwas.
Letitring.
ButImovedcloser,staringatthatgreenbutton.
Thiscouldallstop.Thehardwork.Thetears.Thepain.AllIhadtodowasanswerthatcall.AllIhadtodowashitthatgreenbutton.
Nomorerentchecks.Nomoretimeclocks.Nomoretoilet-bowlcleanerandrubbergloves.
NomoreEdenfamilycharity.
Iraisedmyhand,myfingerpoisedabovethescreen.Onetouchtoanswerphonecallnumber127andlifewouldbeeasieragain.
AllIhadtodowassacrifice…me.
AllIhadtodowasgiveup.
Don’tgiveup.
Giveup,Memphis.
MyhandtrembledandItouchedthescreen.ButIwastoolate.Ithadalreadykickedtomyvoicemail.
Theairrushedfrommylungsandthat’swhenthetearscameinsteadystreamswithsobsthatI’dbeenholdingbackfortoolong.
Thesoundofknucklestappingonmydoorcutthroughmyhysterics.Myfacewhippedtothewindow,andtherehestood.Hisexpressionwasunreadable.Ihadn’theardhimdriveinorpullintothegarage.
Iturnedawaysohecouldn’tseemewipeawaythetears.He’dcaughtmecrying,butconsideringIcriedmostdays,consideringhewasprobablyherejusttodropoffamealbecauseitwouldbebadiftheircharitycasestarvedtodeath,whothehellcared?
Notme.Notanymore.Iwasnumb.
Isquaredmyshouldersandwalkedtothedoor.ThesecondIflippedthelock,hemarchedinside,stompingoffhisboots.Andthenhelookeddownatmewithascowl,likemytearsjustpissedhimoff.“Ifyouwanttopaymorerent,fine.Paymorerent.”
“Ido.AndIwantyoutostopmakingmefood.”
“No.”
“I’mnotacharitycase,Knox.”
Hishandsfistedonhiships.“Isthatwhatyouthink?ThatIcookforyoubecauseyoucan’tcookforyourself?”
“Well…yes.”
Hescoffed,turninghisheadtotheceiling.HisAdam’sapplebobbedashemutteredsomething.Thenhefacedmeagain,takingalongstepforwardtocrowdmyspace.“Icookforyoubecauseit’showIshowsomeoneIcare.IcookforyoubecauseIlovethelookonyourfaceafterthatfirstbite.IcookforyoubecauseI’drathercookforyouthananyoneelse.”
“What?”Myjawdropped.
“Idon’tknowwhatthefuckI’mdoingwithyou,woman.”
Mymouthwasstillopen.
WhichsuitedKnoxjustfine.
Becauseheraisedhishands,framedmyface.Thensealedhislipsovermine.CHAPTERTENKNOX
Iwasamanwhorememberedfewkisses.Maybethatwasaguything.ButIcouldonlyrecallwithclaritythree.
Myfirst.Itwasthesummerbeforemyfreshmanyearinhighschoolwithagirl—whatwashername?—atthesummerfair.ThentherewasthetimeI’dkissedoneofLyla’sfriendswhenshe’dbeenoverforasleepover.Memorablenotbecauseoftheactualkiss,butbecauseDadhadbustedusmakingoutintheclosetandthenextdayhe’dmademestackhaybalesforeighthours.
AndthenGianna.IrememberedthekissI’dgivenherbeforeleavingSanFrancisco.
Thelastkiss.
Beyondthose,theyallblendedtogether.Thewomentoo.IntheyearssinceI’dmovedhometoQuincy,Ikeptsexcasual.Ihookedupwithtourists—uncomplicatednights,becausecomemorning,they’dbegonefromQuincy,easilyforgotten.
Inyears,notonehadmadeamark.
UntilMemphis.
Irubbedahandovermylips,stillfeelinghermouthfromlastnight.Hersweettaste,mixedwithsaltytears,lingeredonmytongue.
“Goddamnit.”WhatthefuckhadIbeenthinking?ThiswasMemphis.Therehadn’tbeenanuncomplicatedminutespentwithher.Butdamnit,whenshe’dansweredthedoorlastnight,tear-stainedandchinraisedandundeniablybeautiful,I’dshutofftherationalpartofmybrainandsaidfuckit
Hermouthhadbeenheaven.Warmandwet.Herlipsafuckingdream.Soft,yetfirm.Atfirst,she’dbeenhesitant,shockedprobably,butthenshe’dmeltedintomeandprovedthatsheknewhowtousehertongue.
Thinkingofthatwickedmouthhadkeptmeupmostofthenight.
Temptationhadalmostbestedme.Butinsteadofpushinginsideandcarryinghertobed,I’dpulledawayandretreatedtomyhouse,whereacoldshowerhadn’tdonemuchtocoolthedesireinmyveins.
Icravedher,morethanI’dcravedanyoneinalong,longtime.Andthatscaredthehelloutofme.
Ifthisendedbadly,she’dmoveoutandgowhere?Therentalbythebar?Orworse,anothertown?Ididn’twanttobetheguywhosentherrunningfromMontanaandbacktothatfuckingfamilyofhersinNewYork.
Yesterday’ssnowhadcoveredtheground.Thedrivewaywasapristinesheetofwhiteexceptforthetwintracksthatledfromthegarageanddowntheroad.MemphishadalreadylefttodropDrakeatdaycareandheadtothehotel.Byrights,Ishouldbegonebynowtoo.Therewasplentyofworktodo.
ButIstoodattheglassinmybedroomandstaredatmyloft.
No,notmine.Itwashers.ThatloftwouldalwaysbelongtoMemphis,evenaftersheleft.
Therewerethingstosay.MemphisandIhadalongconversationinourfuture,mostlyabouthowshethoughtshewasacharitycase.I’dbeclearingupthatbullshitsoon.Weneededtotalkaboutthekiss.Whatshewanted.WhatIwanted.
WhatthehelldidIwant?
Her.Butitwasn’tquitethatsimple.NotwithDrake.
Withtheguestcountlowatthehotel,itwouldbeaquietdayatKnuckles.OnWednesdays,Lylabroughtoverpastriesfromthecoffeeshopfortheguestbreakfast.Skipwastherethismorningtomakeaspreadofscrambledeggs,hamandbacon.Prepworkwasinevitable,butwhenIfinallytoremyselfawayfromthewindowandheadedtomytruck,itwasn’ttodriveintotown.
Iaimedmywheelsfortheranch.
MaybethiswasGriffin’splacenow.ItwouldalwaysbeMomandDad’s.Buttheranchwasminetoo.Itbelongedtoourhearts.
Therewasalineofhayinasnowymeadowanditwassurroundedbygrazingcattle.TheEdenbrandontheirribs,anEwithacurveintheshapeofarockingchair’srunnerbeneath,gavemeasenseofprideatmyfamily’saccomplishments.Drivingthroughthegatedarchwayalwaysmademyshouldersrelax.
MomandDad’shousewastheepicenteroftheranch.Theirloghousewassurroundedbyashopandthestables.Thebarnhadalofttoo,aninspirationformyown,andUncleBriggshadjustmovedin.
MateohadofferedthespacesoBriggscouldbeclosertoourparentsinthehopestheycouldmonitorhisdementia.MeanwhileMattyhadtakenBriggs’scabininthemountains.
Thatwashowwewereraised.Wewatchedoutforeachother.
TwoofthehiredmenwalkedoutofthebarnasIpulledup,bothwearingCarharttcoatsandStetsons.TheyclimbedintoatruckwiththeEdenbrandemblazonedonthedoor’sside.IwavedastheyrolledoutofthegravellotandheadeddownthegravelroadthatwovethroughthemeadowsandtreestoGriffin’splace.
ThesnowonMom’sCadillacwasalreadymeltingunderthebrightmorningsun.Bymidafternoon,itwouldallbegone.Thisstormhadjustbeenateaserforwhatwastocome.
IparkedbesideDad’struckandheadedupthestepstothewraparoundporch.BeforeIcouldknock,thedooropened.
“Morning,son.”Dadsmiled.Hisglasseswereperchedonhisnoseandheheldacupofcoffeeinhishand.
“Hey,Dad.Youleaving?”
“Nope.”Hehandedmethemug.“Sawyoucomingdowntheroad.”
“Thanks.”Itookthecoffeeinmylefthandtoshakehiswithmyright.
“Comeonin.Yourmotherisinthekitchenwith,andIquote,‘moregoddamnapplesfromthefreezer.’”
Ichuckledandfollowedhiminside,wherethescentofcinnamonandsugarinfusedtheirhome.“SoundslikeI’dbettercheckonher.”
“I’mhidingoutintheoffice.Findmebeforeyouleave.I’dliketotalkaboutthehotel.Seeifyou’vethoughtabouttakingitover.”
“Ihaven’t.”
Hissmilefaded.“I’dreallyliketoknowwhatyou’rethinking.”
“Iknow.”Irubbedmyjaw.“Givemeanotherfewweeks.GetpastThanksgiving.”
“Sure.”Hesighed.“Idon’tmeantopressureyou.Ijustwanttomakeaplan.”
“Understandable.”
Hegavemeasmallsmile,thenretreatedtohisoffice.
TheEloisewaspartofthisfamily,liketheranch.Lettingitgowouldbelikecuttingalimbonourfamilytree.
Ifnotforthelawsuit,ifnotforBriggs,Dadwouldn’tbeinsuchahurryforananswer.ButeverytimeIsawhim,hebroughtitup.
Thehotelranmostlyonautopilotformyparents.They’dhaddecadesofexperience,especiallyMom.Yes,theyhadtopitchinhereandthere.Buttheiraccountingfirmhandledmostofthefinancials.AndEloisetookherroleasmanagerseriously,coordinatingemployeesandschedulesandguestsandsupplies.
CouldIhandleit?Yeah.DidIwantto?Thatwasanentirelydifferentquestion.
Iwalkedintothekitchen,findingmymotheratthecounter,herhandsinabowlofdough.“Ihearyou’reintotheapples.”
Momglancedupandgavemeadevilishsmirk.“I’mcuttingdownthatappletree.”
“Grandma’sappletree?”
“Doyouknowhowmanyfive-gallonbucketsIfilledthisyear?Six.I’vespentfortyyearspickingapplesandcoringapplesandfreezingapples.I’msosickofthesedamnapples,Ican’tseestraight.YouknowwhatkindofpieIwanttomake?Peach.Orcherry.Orchocolate.”
“Soyou’resayingthatthisapplepieisupforgrabs?”Iwenttothecounterandthrewanarmaroundhershoulders,kissingherhair.
“No.Youcan’thaveit.”Momtookherhandsoutofthebowl,takingtheflourydoughoutandlayingitonthecounter.Thenshereachedforawoodenrollingpin,handingitover.“Rollthatoutforme.”
“PastriesareLyla’sforte,notmine,”Isaid,settingthepinasidesoIcouldwashmyhandsinthesink.ThenIwentaboutrollingoutthepiecrust,doingmybesttobarelytouchthedoughsoitwouldbeasflakyaspossible.
Momcamebackwithaglasspiepan,watchingatmysideasIworked.Onceuponatime,she’dhaveofferedsuggestionsandtips,butthesedays,shesimplywatched.“See?You’renotsobad.”
“Dadwantstotalkaboutthehotel.”
Shehummed.“Whatareyouthinking?”
“Idon’tknow,”Iadmitted.“ItwillbreakEloise’sheart.”
“Yoursisterlovesthathotel.Butshealsolovesyou.Justbecauseyoutakeitoverdoesn’tmeanshecan’twhenshe’sready.Butshe’snotready,Knox.Weallknowit.Andifshewerebeinghonestwithherself,Eloisewouldknowittoo.”
“Areyousureaboutthat?”
“Yes.Maybe.”Sheblewoutalongbreath.“Weshelteredherduringthelawsuit.Thatwasprobablyamistake.”
“No,Ithinkyouhandleditright.Itwashardenoughonherasitwas.”
Eloisehadhiredamaninhousekeepinglastyear.He’dstartedoutfine,workingpart-time.Thenonedayhe’dskippedashift.Eloisehadletitgoandcoveredforhim.IthadhappenedthreemoretimesbeforeMomgotwindofit.
Dadhadcomein,metwiththeemployee,andgivenhimawarning.Yetithadhappenedagain,soDadhadcannedtheguy’sass.Oneweeklater,weweresuedforwrongfulterminationandsexualharassment.
TheassholesaidEloisehadpropositionedhim.She’dinvitedhimoutwithsomeoftheotherstaffforadrinkatWillie’s,tryingtoohardtobeafriendinsteadofaboss.He’dgonewiththem,andattheendofthenight,she’dhuggedhim.
Myparentswereintheright.Eloiseshouldhavefiredhimthefirsttime,butbecauseshe’dallowedit,theman’ssmarmylawyerthoughthe’dgetrichsuingtheEdenfamily.
Lawsuitswerenevereasyandthoughthey’dcomeoutvictorious,ithadcausedplentyofunwantedstress.
“I’llthinkaboutthehotel,”ItoldMom.“ButI’mnotreadytodecide.Notyet.”
“Fairenough.”Shenoddedandhandedmeaknife.
Ilaidthepieplateoverthecrust,tracingthecurveofthedish,thenfitthesheettothebottomwhileshecameoverwithapanofapplescoatedincinnamonandsugar.
Weworkedinsilence,makingthepieandgettingitintheoven,ataskwe’ddoneahundredtimesbecauseGrandma’streewasamonsterandMomwasn’ttheonlyonewho’dspentsummerspickingapples.
Whenitwasintheoven,Iwashedmyhandsandputmycoffeeinthemicrowavetoheatup.
“Doyouneedtogetgoing?”Momasked.“OrcanyoustickaroundtotakethispietoMemphis?”
“Memphis?MyMemphis?”
Shearchedhereyebrows.“YourMemphis?”
Shit.“YouknowwhatImean.”
“She’sabeautifulwoman,insideandout.”
Iblinked.“Ididn’trealizeyou’dspentmuchtimewithher.”
“Oh,Ijusttalkedtoherafewtimesatthehotel.ButIlikeher.”
Isighed.“Idotoo.”
“Yousaythatlikeit’sabadthing.”
ThemicrowavedingedandItookoutmycoffee,carryingittotheisland,whereItookoneofthestools.“It’scomplicated.”
Thatkisslastnighthadchangedeverything.
“EversinceGi—”
Momheldupahand,cuttingmeoff.“Donotsayhernameinthishouse.”
MomhatedGianna.Notonlyforwhatshe’ddonetome,butbecauseMomandDadhadbeenhurttoo.
“It’sthekid,”Iconfessed.“IfitwasjustMemphis,exploringsomethingwouldbeonething.”
IfitwasjustMemphis,Iwouldhavekissedherweeksagoandneverstopped.Butthebaby…thatbabychangedeverything.
Momgavemeasadsmile.“You’reagoodman.”
“AmI?”BecauseIprobablyshouldn’thavekissedherlastnight.
“Don’tletwhathappenedinthepastcloudthefuture.”
“Ican’t…”Iclosedmyeyes,admittingmyfears.“Ican’tloseanotherbaby.”
Momtookthestoolbesidemineandplacedherhandovermine.“Thisisnotthesamesituation,Knox.”
“Iknow.”Butitcouldendjustasbadly.
Iwasalreadyattached.Tothemboth.
Wesatinsilence,sippingcoffeeandcontemplatingthepast,whilethepiebaked.Halfwaythroughtheoven’stimer,Dadjoinedus,andasthoughhecouldsensethemood,hedidn’tbringupthehotel.
“How’sBriggsdoing?”Iasked,readyforachangeoftopic.
“Good.”AbitofsadnessalwaysfilledDad’sblueeyeswhenhespokeofhisbrother.“Noepisodesthisweek,thankGod.”
WespenttherestofthetimetalkingaboutBriggsandhislatesttriptothedoctor.ThenthepiewasdoneandMomtookitfromtheoven,lettingitcoolwhileIhadonelastcupofcoffee.
Thatpie,packedinaceramiccarryingcontainer,rodeshotgunwithmetotownandwhenIparkedinthelotbehindtheinn,Itookitstraighttothebreakroom,foundastickynoteinadrawerandscrawledMemphisontop.
Myintentionwastoheadintothekitchenandgettowork,butwhenIstarteddownthehallway,myfeetcarriedmetotheelevator.
Ratherthanstopatthelobby,Itookagambleandheadedtothesecondfloor.Memphiswasn’tthere,butIfoundheronthethird.
Shewasdustingadresserwithayellowmicrofiberrag.Herhairwasinaponytail,theendsswishingagainstherspine.Hercheekswereflushed,hereyesnarrowedinconcentration.Shewasentirelytooattractivetoresist.
Irappedmyknucklesonthedoor,thenstrodeintotheroom,makingsuretokeepmorethananarm’slengthbetweenussothatIdidn’tkissheragain.Notuntilthisconversationwasover.
“Ifyouwanttopaymorerent,thenpayit.”
Sheblinked,standingstraight.“Ido.”
“Done.”Inodded.“LikeIsaidlastnight,Ienjoycookingforyou.Ifyoudon’tlikeextrasfromtherestaurant,fine.Iwon’tbringthemover.Athome,Iusuallyhaveplentyofstuffonhand,butifI’mevershort,maybeyoucouldhitthestore.”
Thecornerofhermouthturnedup.“Justsendmeyourlist.”
“You’renotcharity.”Ilostthebattlewiththedistanceandclosedthespacebetweenus.“Mymommadeyouapie.It’snotcharityeither.Shemakespiesforpeopleshelikes.”
“Ilikehertoo.”
“Thisjobisnotcharity.You’veearnedit.You’vekeptit.You.Gotit?”
Shenodded.
“Outloud,Memphis.”
“Gotit,”shewhispered.
Myhandliftedtotugattheendofherponytail.“Thatkisswasnotcharity.”
“Ididn’tthinkitwas.”
“Good.”Itookherhandandpulledhertotheedgeofthebed,takingaseat.“I’mnotoneforcomplicatedthesedays.”
“Igetit.”Sheslippedherhandfrommine,droppinghergazetoherlap.“Thisdoesn’thavetobeanything.Youdon’towemeanexplanation.Wecanforgetthekisseverhappened.”
Icouldn’tforgetitifItried.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“No.”
“NeitherdoI.”
Herentirebodysagged.“Idon’twanttobeyourmistake.”
Thosewordsheldsomuchpain.Somuchweight.She’dbeensomeoneelse’smistake.
IfIhadtoguess,I’dsayitwasDrake’sfather.
Memphishadn’tofferedthatstory.Consideringshehadn’ttoldherownfamilyand,tokeephersecret,hadgivenupatrustfund,Idoubtedshe’dconfideinme.
Notyet.MaybeifImademyownconfession,she’drealizeshewasn’ttheonlyonewithastory.
“WhenIlivedinSanFrancisco,Iwasdatingawoman.Gianna.Weweretogetherforaboutayear.Andduringmostofthatyear,shewaspregnant.”
Memphissatstraighter,hereyeswidening.“Youhaveachild?”
Igaveherasadsmile.“No.”
“Oh,God.”Herhandcametohermouth.
“It’snotwhatyouthink.Giannahasachild.Ason.HisnameisJadon.”
“But…he’snotyours?”
“Thoughthewasmine.Westarteddatingandshegotpregnant.Neitherofusexpectedit,certainlywasn’tplanned,butwemadethebestofit.Giannamovedin.Iwenttothedoctors’appointments.Taggednamesinthebaby-namebook.Helpedherdecoratethenurseryinourcrampedapartment.Heldherhandthroughlabor.”
“Youwerethedad.”
“Iwasthedad.Afterwegothomefromthehospital,Ispentlongnightswalkingthebabybackandforthacrosstheapartment.”
JustlikeI’ddoneforDrake.
“Thatwasyourlook.”Memphis’seyessoftened.“Whenyou’dcomeoveratnight,thereweretimesyoulookedmiserable.Justforasecond.Thisiswhy.”
“Yes.”Ihadn’trealizedshe’dnoticed.ButIwaslearningthatMemphisdidn’tmissmuch.“Jadonwastwoweeksoldwhenitallfellapart.Giannatookhiminforadoctor’sappointment.Icamehomefromworkfourdayslaterandshetoldmethathewasn’tmine.”
Memphisgasped.“Knox.”
Giannahaddroppedabombonmylifeandeverythinghadexploded.Afteralongday,I’dcomehome,deadonmyfeet,andfoundGiannaonthecouch.Jadonhadbeenasleep.I’dsatbesideher,instantlyknowingsomethingwaswrong.Andthenshe’dlookedatmewithtearsinhereyes.She’dapologizedfirst.
Thenshe’dtakenmyson.She’dchangedmylife.
“Shecheated.Atthebeginningofourrelationship,shesleptwithaguysheknewfromcollege.ShesuspectedJadonmightnotbeminebutchosenottosayanything.Shetoldmeshe’dhopedIwasthefather.Butthenhewasbornand…shewantedthetruth.”
Memphis’shandclosedovermine.“I’msorry.”
“Metoo,”Iwhispered.“Ihaven’ttalkedaboutGiannainalongtime.”
“Igetthat.It’spainfultodredgeupthepast.”
“Isthatwhyyoudon’ttalkaboutyours?”
“Yes.”Itwasonlyoneword,buttherewasapleaformenottoask.Notyet.
“IwouldhavestayedinSanFrancisco,”Itoldher.“BeenthereforJadon.ButGiannaandIweredone,andshemadethedecisionthatifweweren’tgoingtostaytogether,itwasbettertocallitquits.Shemovedout.AndI…”
“Camehome.”
“Yeah.Icamehome.”
“Howlongagowasthis?”
“Fiveyears.”
“Haveyouspokentoher?”
Ishookmyhead.“There’snothingtosay.AndIneededtoleavethatbehind.”
Memphisstudiedthecarpetforalongmoment,mystoryheavyintheair.“Thenwheredoesthatleaveus?”
“Iwashopingyouhadthatanswer.”
Herchocolateeyesmetmine.“Idon’thavealotofanswersthesedays.”
“Gettingattachedtoyouisrisky.Gettingattachedtohimis…”Iswallowedhard.“It’spetrifying.”
“Ifithurts.Ifit’spetrifying…”Acreaseformedbetweenhereyebrows.“Whydidyoucometotheloft?Whydoyoukeepcoming?”
Iliftedashoulder.“Ican’tseemtostop.”
“Doyouwantto?”
Iliftedmyhand,tuckingthatstubbornlockofhairawayoncemore.“No.”CHAPTERELEVENMEMPHIS
Knox’sstorykeptspinninginmyhead,likeabookormovieIcouldn’tstopreplaying.
He’dgonethroughapregnancy.He’dwatchedthebirthofhischild.He’dbeenafather.Theninaninstant,hisbabyhadbeengone,rippedfromhislife.
Iachedforhim.Iragedforhim.InthehourssinceI’dbeenhome,myemotionshadbeenridingarollercoaster.
KnoxandIhadsatinthehotelroomearlier,shroudedinsilenceuntilfinallyhe’dbrushedhislipstomineinachastekissandleftwithoutanotherword
Drakeletoutastringofbabblesfromhisplaymat.Theoohsandaahsandguhswerecomingmoreoftenthesedays.
Istretchedoutbesidehim,watchinghimkickhislegsandworkhisarms.Abovehim,themobileofsafarianimalssmiledandswungashehitonewithafist.
Hesmiled.
Ismiled.
Hecooed.
Icooed,mimickinghissound.
Theideaofsomeonetakinghimawaymademystomachchurn.HowKnoxhadenduredit,howhe’dwalkedaway…
Ipressedahandtomyheartandstaredatmyson.
Wewerestillnavigatingthroughroughwaters.DrakeandIwereclosetodrowningmoreoftenthannot.JustlastnightI’dnearlycrackedandansweredmyphone.
ThenKnoxhadkissedmeandasmuchasIwantedtosayithadhelped,thatkisshadjustsentmecareeningoverawaterfall.
Theimprintofhislargehandslingeredonmycheeks.Thesoftpressureofhislips.Thesweepofhistongue.
Akisstochangealife.Ordestroyone.
Beyondthewindows,theskywasdarkening,theMontanadaysgrowingshorterandshorteraswinterapproached.Aflashoflighthadmeshootingoffthefloorandtiptoeingtotheglass.ThehumofthegarageopeningbelowtheloftrippledbeneathmyfeetasKnox’struckeasedintothedrivewayandintoitsstallbesidetheVolvo.
Iheldmybreathasadoorslammedshut,watchingatthewindowtoseewhichdirectionhe’dhead.Whenhestartedacrossthedrivewayforhisownhome,Isighed.
WasIrelieved?Disappointed?Both?
Knoxhesitatedonhisfrontporch,glancingoverhisshoulderanduptomywindow.Hespottedmeandliftedahand.
Iwavedback.
Thenhewasgone,underhisownroof,flippingonlightsashemovedthroughhishome.
Iclosedmyeyesandpressedmyforeheadtothecoldglass.
Knoxwasagoodman.Hewasasreliableasthesunrise.AsbreathtakingastheMontanasunsets.HewasthetypeofpersonIwantedDraketobecome.
Istaredathishouseashemovedintohisbedroomanddisappearedintothebathroom,probablyforashowerafterbeingintherestaurantallday.OnlyadoorseparatedmefromanakedKnox.Ipicturedthewatersluicingoverhismuscledarms.Drippingoverthosetattoos.Cascadingdowntherippledplanesofhischestandstomach.
Myimaginationwouldhavetosuffice.
ItoremyselfawayfromthewindowandpickedupDrakefromthefloor.Hewasuplatertonightthannormal,butJillhadtoldmethathe’dhadalongernapatdaycare,sowe’dspentmoretimeplayingtonight.
“It’sbetterthisway,”ItoldDrakeasIranhisbathinthesink.
Hesmiledashesplashedinthesudsywater.
IthurttoloseKnox.IthurttolosehimbeforeI’devenhadhim.Butitwasbetterthisway.Ihadnoideawhatthefutureheld.Istruggledtoplanfortomorrow,letalonethenextfiveyears.
AndIwouldnotbethewomanwhotookanotherchildfromKnox.
Thebeepofmyphone’salarmjoltedmeoutofadreamlesssleep.Ifumbledtoshutoffthebeepingsoitwouldn’twakeDrake.
Drake.
Hehadn’twokenup.
“Drake.”Igasped,panicracingthroughmyveinsasIflewoutofbed,runningtothecrib.MyheartwasinmythroatasIreachedforhim.Whatwaswrong?Whyhadn’thewokenup?
HestirredasIheftedhimintomyarms,hiseyelidsheavyasheblinkedthemopen.
Iscannedhimheadtotoe,feelingacrosshispajamas.Twoarms.Twolegs.Ipressedmyhandtohischest,feelinghisbreathexpandhisribsandlettinghisheartbeatagainstmypalm.
“Ohmygod.”Theairrushedfrommylungs.
He’dsleptthroughthenight.
Thatwaswhyhehadn’twokenup.Notbecausehewassickor…
Irefusedtoletmyselfthinkofthealternative.
He’dsleptthroughthenight.
MyhearthammeredinmychestasIclutchedhimclose.Tearsfloodedmyeyesastheadrenalinespikeebbed.Itwasfine.Hewasfine.He’djustsleptallnight.
Whydidthatmakemecry?Ishouldhavebeenecstatic,butinstead,Ispenttherestofthemorningonthevergeoftears,myhandsshakingasIrushedtogetreadyfortheday.
ThesoundofthegarageopeningandKnox’struckrumblingtolifesoundedwhileIhurriedthroughashower.Idroppedmybrushthreetimeswhileblow-dryingmyhair.Mystomachwastoojitterytoeatbreakfast.EventhesightofAnneEden’sapplepiemademequeasy,soIfilledaglassofwateronlytochokeonthefirstgulp.MyfingersfumbledwiththesnapsonDrake’sonesieasIworkedtogethimdressed.
Everythingfelt…off.Unsteady.
“He’sfine.”IwhisperedthosewordstomyselfasImademywaytothecar.ThenIsaidthemagainfivemoretimesasIdroveintotown.
Theparkinglotatthedaycarewasbustlingwithparentscominginandout.Ipulledintooneoftheonlyemptyspaces,thencartedDrakeinside,passinganotheroneofthemothersinthehallwaytothenursery.
Thespacewasnarrow,soIshiftedDrake’scarseatsoitwasinfrontofme,butinthemove,thekeysI’dhadinmyotherhandfelltothefloor.Isethimdown,bendingtopickthemup,butthatcausedthediaperbagovermyshouldertofall.
“Whatiswrongwithme?”Getittogether,Memphis.Idrewinadeepbreath,willingmyheartoutofmythroat,thensquaredmyshouldersandgotbackontomyfeet.
Withmykeysshovedintoajeanspocket,IwashookingthediaperbagoverashoulderwhenJill’svoicecarrieddownthehallway.
“Herbiggestpriorityisfindinganewdaddyforherbaby.”
Myentirebodyfroze.
Wasshetalkingaboutme?Noway.Ithadtobesomeoneelse.UnlesssomeonehadseenKnoxandmeatKnuckles,sharingabooth,andassumedwewereacouple.Thatwasastretch.Butthiswasasmalltown.Maybegossiptraveledthatfast.
Myheadwasplayingtricksonmetoday.Ishookitoff,unstuckmyfeet.
Anotherwoman’svoicecarriedfromthenursery.“Areyousurprisedshe’salreadydating?Ithinkshewasseeingthisnewguybeforethedivorcewasevenfinal.ItoldyouIsawthematBigSam’sthatonenight.”
Okay,definitelynotme.BigSam’sSaloonwasoneofthebarsonMain,andaplaceI’dneverbeen.
Whatwasmyproblemthismorning?Ofcoursetheyhadn’tbeentalkingaboutme.Itwasn’tlikeIsharedmypersonallifewithJill.Drakewasn’ttalkingeither.WhenhadIbecomethisanxious,unraveledperson?OldMemphis,forallherfaults,hadalwaysheldherheadhigh.
Ididn’tmissher,butIwouldn’tbeangryifsomeofherformerconfidenceworkeditswaytothesurface.
ThemomentJillspottedmefromthenursery,shehandedthebabygirlshe’dbeenholdingtotheotherwoman—oneoftheladiesI’dseenintheofficeafewtimes—thencameoverandstoleDrake’scarseat.
“There’smyfavoriteguy.”Shesmiledathimassheunsnappedhimfromhisseat.Innotime,hewasinherarms,kickinghislegswithasmileofhisown.
“Here’shisbottlesandmorediapers.”IhungthediaperbagonDrake’sdesignatedhook.
Jilldidn’tevensparemeaglance.
Iwalkedover,touchingDrake’shand.“Haveagoodday,baby.Iloveyou.”
Jillspunhimsothathewasoutofmyreach.
MyhearttwistedbutIbackedaway,easingoutoftheroom.Mystrideswereslowandsluggish.Somuchofmewantedtogointhere,getmysonandneversetfootinthisbuildingagain.
“IsthattheonelivingwithKnoxEden?”
Thatquestionstoppedmecold.
“Yep.”Jillpoppedthep,thedisdaininhervoiceasbrightastheyellowcoloronthewalls.
“There’sanothersinglemomlookingforadaddy.IguessifIwereher,I’dgoaftertherichestbachelorintowntoo.”
Icringed.Thiswaswhatpeopleweresayingaboutme?ThatIwasafterKnoxforhismoney?Humiliationcrawledupmyskin,redanditchy.Mycheeksflamed.
Ittookallofmystrengthtokeepwalking.Becausewhilethesewomenwereawfultome,Jillatleastlovedmyson.Andfortoday,Ididn’thaveanyotheroptions.
Ihadtogettoworkformyshift.
Forthefirsttimeinweeks,Ididn’tparkbesideKnox’struck,choosingaspacemuchfartheraway.Afterpunchingmytimecard,Iwentstraightforacleaningcart,skippingmyregularcupofcoffeeandquickhellotoEloiseatthefrontcounter.DidshethinkIwasheretochaseherbrother?
Iwaswaitingatthestaffelevatorwhenfootstepssoundedinthehallway.Knoxwaswalkingmyway,anotepadandpeninhishand,hiswhitechef’scoatsleevespusheduphisforearms.
Hesmiled.
AsmilesohandsomeIwantedtocry.
Theelevatoropened.Ilookedaway,pushedthecartinsideandrodetothefourthfloorwithmyeyessqueezedshut.
ThephoneinmybackpocketrangasIunlockedthefirstguestroomdoor.Ipulleditout,hopingthatitwasdaycarewithsomereasonwhyIhadtoleaveandgetDrake.Today,Ididn’twantthehoursatwork.Today,Iwantedtocurlupwithmysonandforgettheworld.
Butitwasn’taMontananumberwiththefour-oh-sixareacode.
Onehundredthirty-two.
Ideclineditonthesecondringandstoweditaway.
AsIwasbendingtogetthebottleoftoiletcleaner,itrangagain.
Onehundredthirty-three.
Ithrewthebottleandragtothefloor,rippedthephoneoutand,oncemore,hittheredbutton.“Stopcallingme.”
Itwasstillinmyhandwhenitrangagain.
Myeyesflooded.Mychinquivered.
Don’tgiveup.
Ideclineditoncemoreandpickedupmysupplies,thenIwenttothebathroomandscrubbedthetoilettoasparklingwhiteshine.Themirrorandcountergleamedafterapolish.Thefloorwasspotlessandtheairsmelledlikebleach.
Icleaned.
Andthephonerang.
Overandoverandover,untilfinally,asIwasstrippingthebed,itstopped.Thereweredayslikethis.DayswhenI’dgettwentycallsinanhour.Othersonlyoneintwenty-four.
Itensed,waitingforittobuzzagain,butwhenitdidn’t,Ibreathed.
Thestressofthedaywasbuildingbehindmytemples,andIliftedmyhands,rubbingattheache.
“What’swrong?”IjumpedatKnox’sdeepvoice.
Howmanyshockscouldahearttakeinoneday?IfeltlikeIwasinahauntedhousewithacreepyclownjumpingoutatmeaftereachcorner.
“Nothing.”Iwaveditoff.
“Memphis.”Hestrodemyway,stoppingcloseenoughthatthescentofhisspicysoaphitmynose.
God,hesmelledgood.Today,therewasahintoflemontoo.Maybehe’dbeenmakinglemonmeringuepie.Itwasmyfavorite.
“Talktome.”
“I’mfine,”Ilied.“Justaheadache.”
“Closeyoureyes.”
“Knox,I’mfine.”
“You’reahorribleliar.”
Ihuffedadrylaugh.HowmanytimeshadOlivertoldmethesame?Thoughhe’dbeenthekingoflies,socomparedtohim,everyonewasmerelyanapprentice.
“Youranawayfrommeearlier.”Heinchedcloser.
“I’vebeenthinking,”Isaid,squaringmyshouldersandraisingmychin.IfIdidn’thaveconfidence,I’dhavetofakeit.“Ithinkit’sbestifwestopthis,whateverthisis,beforeitgoesanyfurther.”
Hiseyesnarrowedandthoseblueeyessawstraightthroughthefa?ade.Damn.“Why?”
“Drake.”
“Look…”Knoxranahandthroughhishair.“AboutwhatIsaidyesterday.Iwasjustbeinghonest.ButIdidn’ttellyouthetruthsoyou’dpushmeaway.”
“Ifwetriedthisanditdidn’twork,you’dlosehim.”
“Yeah.”Henodded.“Iknowwhat’sontheline,Memphis.ButI’mstandinghereanyway.”
“Istilldon’tthinkit’sagoodidea.”Anotherliethatmadehimfrown.“Drakehastobemyfocus.”
“DidIaskyoutotakehimoutoffocus?”
“Well…no.”Icouldn’timagineKnoxaskingmetoforsakemychild.
HeraisedhishandsandItensed,surethatifhekissedmeagain,I’dcrumble.Buthedidn’tcupmyfaceandleaninlikehehadonHalloween.Herestedtheheelofhispalmsonmycheekbonessothathisfingerscouldrubsmallcirclesonmytemples.
Itwasheaven.
Andhell.
“Ican’tdothis,”Iwhispered,myeyesfallingclosedsothatIdidn’tcry.
“Why?”
“Idon’twanttoletDrakedown.Ican’tlethimdown.I’mallhehas.”Ihadnobackupplan.Failurewasnotanoption
AndIwasscaredtoo.Thatwasthewholetruth.
Iwashangingonbythreadsmostdays.IgaveDrakeallmyextra.IfKnoxmademefallinlovewithhimandthenwefellapart,Iwouldfallapart.Iwasn’tsureIhadthestrengthtomendanothershatteredheart.
Knoxwasquietforafewmoments,thecirclingofhistalentedfingersneverstopping.“Yesterday,Itoldyouaboutthehardestpartofmylife.Itoldyouaboutmyfirst-worstday.Itoldyouaboutthewomanwhodestroyedme.I’mnotaskingyoutotellmeaboutDrake’sfather.ButI’mpromisingyouthatifyouwanttogivemethattrust,Iwon’tbetrayit.”
WhenIopenedmyeyes,hispiercinggazewaswaiting.Hewassogorgeousitalmosthurttolookathim.IwantedtotellhimaboutOliver.Iftherewasanyonewhowouldtakecarewithmysecrets,itwasKnox.
But…
Istayedquiet.
“Youwanttostandonyourown.Igetthat,honey.”Hisfingersshiftedawayfrommytemplestothreadintomyponytail.“Standingonyourowndoesn’tmeanyouhavetobealone.There’sadifference.”
“ButDrake—”
“Don’tusehimasanexcusebecauseyou’rescared.Youwantingmedoesn’tmeanDrakehastosuffer.”
Hewasso…right.Sodamnright.
Knox’shandsfellaway,returningtohissides.“Figureoutwhatyouwant.Youknowwheretofindme.”
Andthenhewasgone,stridingoutoftheroom,leavingbehindonlyhiswords
WhatdidIwant?Diditevenmatter?Icouldn’tafforddreamsformyself.
AndKnox…hewasadream.
TherestofmydaywasspentcleaningalonewithKnox’swordstokeepmecompany.Itwasn’tabestday.Butitwasn’taworsteither.TheweightofthedaysatheavyonmyshouldersasItrudgedtomycaranddrovetothedaycarecenter.
Iwalkedintothenursery,desperatelywantingtoholdmyson,butasIscannedtheroom,IsawnoJill.AndnoDrake.
“Um,hi.Where’sDrake?”Iaskedthewomanchangingababy.Itwasthesamegirlfromthismorning,younglikeJill,withstrawberry-blondhair.
“Oh,he’snothere.”
Iblinked.“What?”
“Jillhadtorunaquickerrandandshetookhimalong.”
“Excuseme?”What.The.Fuck.
“Shejustlivesnextdoor.”Thewomanpointedtothewall.“She’llbebackinaminute.”
“Okay,”Iclippedandpluckedhisdiaperbagfromhishook.ThenIwaited,armscrossedovermychest,foottappingonthefloorasIcountedthesecondstickingbyonthewallclock.
Threeminutesandforty-onesecondslater,thebackdooropenedandJillcameinsidewithDrakeonherhip.Hersmilefalteredforamomentwhenshespottedme.
IcrossedtheroomandtookDrakeoutofherarms.“Hey,baby.”
Hestartedcrying,likehedideveryday,andreachedforJill.
Likeshehaddonetomethismorning,Itwistedandpulledhimoutofherreachwhenshetriedtotouchhishand.
“I’dpreferitifDrakewasn’ttakenoutofthisbuilding.”Iwalkedhimtohiscarseatandputhimin,workingthestrapsasfastasmyfingerswouldmove.
“Oh,okay,”Jillsaid.“Ididn’tthinkitwouldbeaproblem.Wewerejustnextdoor.”
Ididn’ttrustmyselftospeakanotherword,soasDrakefussed,Iclickedhisbuckle,loopedthediaperbagovermyshoulderandwalkedoutthedoor.
ThemomenthisseatwasclickedintoitsbaseandIslidbehindthewheel,myphonerang.
Icheckedthenumberandhitdecline.Onehundredfifty-fivecallsinthetwomonthsI’dlivedinQuincy.SinceIdidn’thavetoworryaboutdaycarecallingandtherewasn’tanyoneIwantedtotalktoanyway,Ishutthedamnthingoff
Drake’scryingstoppedbythetimewehitthehighway.
Andthat’swhenminestarted.
Iwassotired.Mentally.Physically.Butmostly,Iwastiredofbeingalone.
Allmylife,thewomeninmyfamilyhadbeenatthemercyofthemenwhokeptthem.Mymother.Mygrandmother.Mysister.I’dbrokenthatcyclebycomingtoMontana.
IfIletKnoxoranyonehelp,wasn’tthatliketakingahugestepbackward?WhathappenedwhenIdependedonhim?
ExceptIcouldn’tkeepgoinglikethis.Ineeded…help.Admittingthat,eventomyself,mademejustcryharder.
ThetearsfellinasteadystreamasIturnedontoJuniperHill,windingmywaydownthelane.ThelightswereonatKnox’shouse,castingagoldenglowintothenight.Histruckwasinthegarage.
IparkedandtookoutDrake,planningongoingupstairsandmakingmyselfadryanddepressingpeanutbuttersandwichfordinner.ButmyfeetcarriedmeacrossthegraveltoKnox’sfrontdoor.
HeopeneditbeforeIcouldknock.Hisgazetrackedatearasitdrippeddownmycheek.
“Iwanttonotfeelsoalone.IwantmykidtosmilewhenIpickhimupfromdaycare.IwantDraketohaveanormallife,andIfeellikethisissofarawayfromone,Ican’tevenseewhichdirectiontostartwalking.Iwantyoutokissmeagain.Iwanttonevereatapeanutbuttersandwichagain.Iwant—”
Knoxsilencedmewithhislips,bandingonestrongarmaroundmyshoulderswhiletheotherliftedDrake’scarseatfrommyhand.Histonguedraggedacrossmylowerlipashissoftmouthpressedintomine.
BeforeIwasreadyforittoend,hepulledhislipsfrommine,buthisarmstayedtight,pullingmetohischest.“There’sonewantgranted.Whatelsedoyouwant?”
Ileanedintohimandtoldhimtheterrifyingtruth.“You.”CHAPTERTWELVEKNOX
MemphislaughedasIstrolledintothehotelroomshewascleaning.“Aren’tyousupposedtobeworking?”
“I’monabreak.”
“Uh-huh,”shedeadpanned.“Youhadabreakfifteenminutesago.”
“Twenty.”IhandedherthelatteI’djustpickedupfromLyla’s.
“What’sthis?”
“Alatte.”
ShestaredatthepapercoffeecuplikeI’dbroughtherabrickofgold,notadrinkmysisterhadrefusedtoletmebuy.Memphissippedfromtheblackplasticlid,andthatlookofsheerjoyonherface…
Forthatlook,foralaugh,I’dbringheracoffeeeveryday.
“Thankyou.”
“It’sjustacoffee,honey.”
Hereyessoftened.“Nottome.”
“Don’tlookatmelikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
Isteppedcloser,fittingmyhandtoherjaw.“Likeyouneedtobekissed.”
Asmilelitupherfaceasshestoodonhertoes.ShewastooshorttoreachmylipssoIbentandsealedmymouthoverhers,mytonguesweepingacrossherlowerlip.
Shegasped,herhandwiththecoffeestretchingfortheTVstandtosetitdown.Butherarmwasn’tlongenoughsoItookitfromher,settingitaside,thenIsweptherupandcarriedhertothefreshlymadebedandlaidherontheplushwhitecomforter.
MemphisclungtomeasIgavehermyweight,pressingherintothemattressandwishinglikehellI’dthoughttoclosethedoor.
Thiswomanmademehungry.Ravenous.HertonguetangledwithmineandIletloosealowmoanintohermouth.Shetastedlikesweetcoffeeandvanilla.
ShewasthebestdamntimeI’deverhadandsofar,allwe’ddonewaskiss.
Inthepastweek,I’dbarelymanagedtokeepmyhandsoffher.I’dhadtoputatleastonehotelfloorbetweenustogetanyworkdone,buteventhen,I’dconstantlyfoundexcusestoleavethekitchenandhuntherdown.AndI’dkissedherasoftenasshe’dletme.
ButassoonasI’dbeenonthecuspoftearingherclothesaway,I’dstopped.Andforaweek,myshowershadrunascoldastheearlyNovemberair.
Fuck,butIwantedher.Ifkissingherwasanyindication,we’dbegoddamnfireinbed.Butshewasn’tready.
Memphisneededslow.Steady.MaybeIdidtoo.
ButI’dbeenrealwithherlastweek.IknewwhatIwassteppinginto.Withher.WithDrake.Anditwastimetoletgoofthepast.
ShewhimperedasInippedatherbottomlip.ThatsoundshotstraighttomyachingcocksoItoremymouthawayandletoutagroan,droppingmyforeheadtohersaswebreathed.
“Knox?”Eloise’svoicecarrieddownthehallway.
Memphisgasped,tryingtoshovemeaway,butIdidn’tbudge.“Knox.”
“What?”
“She’sgoingtoseeus.”
“So?”MysisterwaseithergoingtoseemeontopofMemphisorshe’dseemestandingwithalargerthannormalbulgebehindmyjeans.
MemphisshovedhardersoIstood,swipingherhandandtugginghertoherfeet.ShepushedthehairoutofherfaceasIwipedmymouthdryandadjustedmydick.Hercheekswereflushed.Shescurriedawaytothebathroomasmysisterreachedthethreshold.
“Oh,thereyouare.Whatareyoudoing?”
Inoddedtothecoffeecup.“ForMemphis.”
“Ah.Thatwasnice.”Shegavemeasmirk,likesheknewexactlywhatIwasdoinginthisroom.Maybeshedid.
Memphiscameoutofthebathroomwithacanofglasscleanerandarag.“Hey.”
“Hey.”Eloisesmiled.“IjustcametogetKnox.There’ssomeoneheretoseeyou.”
“Who?”
Eloiseshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Hedidn’tgivemehisname.”
Maybeitwasahappycustomer.Orapissed-offone.“’Kay.Whereishe?”
“Thelobby.I’llpointhimout.”
InoddedandglancedatMemphis,givingherawink.“Seeya.”
Thatwinkmadehercheeksflamebrighter.“Bye.”
IchuckledandwalkedwithEloiseoutoftheroom,followingherdownthehallwaytothestairwaydoor.Behindme,Memphiswasbesidehercleaningcart,hereyesgluedtomyass.
WhensherealizedI’dcaughtherstaring,shesimplyshruggedandsmiled.
Igrinnedandhitthestairs,followingmysistertothelobby.
Eloisepointedtothemanstandingbesidetheroaringfireplace,takingherseatatthefrontdeskwhileIwentovertointroducemyself.
Theguystoodwithhisbacktome,hisframecoveredinatweedblazerandhisneckwrappedinathickplaidscarf.
“Goodmorning,”Isaid,maneuveringaroundthecouchtostandbyhisside.“KnoxEden.”
“Morning.”Hepulledoffhisbrownfelthat,revealinghisdark,baldscalp.Heclaspedthehatbythebrimasheturned,hishandextended.“LesterNovak.”
LesterNovak.
Fuck.Me.
Ishookhishand,takinginthemustacheabovehislip.Thatmustachewasthelogoheusedinhismagazinearticlesandonhiswebsite.
LesterNovak,awildlypopularfoodcritic,wasstandinginmyfamily’shotel.Andhewantedtotalktome.
“It’snicetomeetyou,”Isaid,mysteadyvoicebetrayingtheracingofmyheart.
“Sametoyou.”Hemotionedtowardthecouch.“MayIhaveafewminutes?”
“Ofcourse.”
Lesterdidn’taskifIknewwhohewaseitherbecauseheexpectedacheftoknowhisnameorhe’dseentherecognitiononmyface.Probablyboth.
Wesettledontheleathercouch,twistingtofaceeachother.
Inthehearth,thefireroared,chasingawaythelate-fallchillthatblewinwheneverthelobby’sdoorsopened.
Thescentsofcoffeeandcedarandcharredpinefilledtheroom.Scentsthatwouldnormallygivemeasenseofpeace.ButIwassittingacrossfromLesterNovakandhisdarkeyesgavenothingaway.
“Ibelievewehaveamutualacquaintance,”hesaid.“CleoHillcrest.”
“Wedo.Cleowasaguesthereacoupleyearsago.She,uh…well,shetookovermykitchenonemorningandmadeenoughbreakfastpastriestofeedtheentirecounty.”
Hechuckled.“ThatsoundslikeCleo.HerbakeryisafavoritestopofminewheneverI’minLosAngeles.”
“She’sdamntalented.”
I’dwantedtostrangleCleothedayI’dfoundherinmykitchen.Mattyhadletherintodoalittlebaking.She’dusedmoreflourandsugarinamorningthanIdidinamonth.ButonebiteofamuffinandanotherofacinnamonrollandI’dgottenovermyirritation.ThenI’dstoodbackandjustletthewomanbake.Itwashergift.
Inherlatestemail,she’dmentionedthatshewastryingtoplananothervisittoQuincywithherbodyguardturnedhusband.Cleodidn’tknowityet,butAustinhadalreadyarrangedtobringhertoQuincyafterChristmas.
IfLesterNovakgavemeapositivecritique,I’dcompCleoandAustin’sentireholidayvacationatTheEloise.
Hell,Ishouldanywaysimplybecauseshe’dsentmeMemphis.
“CleotoldmeaboutthischarminghotelinMontana,”hesaid.“Ihadabreakinmyscheduleanddecidedtomakeaquickstop.Asperusual,Cleohasexquisitetaste.”
“I’mgladyou’reenjoyingyourvisit.”
“ThatIam.”Hegrinned.“Knuckles.Interestingnameforarestaurant.Theatmospherewas…unexpected.ItremindsmeofsomethingI’dfindinacity,notasmall,countrytown.”
Wasthatagoodthing?Icouldn’ttellfromhistone.“Icouldhaveputcattleskullsonthewallsandletpeopletosspeanutshellsonthefloor,butI’llletthebarsonMaindowhatpeopleexpect.”
“Good.”Hisgrinwidened.“IhaddinneratKnuckleslastnight.”
Shit.WhathadIcooked?Ithadn’tbeenallthatbusy,andI’drushedthroughthelasthourbecauseI’dbeenanxioustogethomebeforeMemphisfellasleep.
There’dbeenafewburgerorders.Lestermighthavebeenone,butgiventhathisreviewsofanythingwithredmeatwererare,Iwasguessingnot.Maybehe’dbeenthegrilledtrouttacos.Orthesunny-side-uppizza.
“And?”Iasked.
“Idon’teatalotofburgers.”
Damn.He’dhadaburger.Theyweregood,allmyfoodwasgood.Buttheywerejustburgers.Itwashardtogettrulycreative—whichwaswhymyfather,alifelongcattlerancher,thoughtburgerswerebeautiful.
TheburgerswerealocalfavoritebutIcoulddosomuchbetterwithsomanyotherthings.
“Itwas…”Hestrokedhismustache.Plain.Repetitive.Ordinary.“Fantastic.”
Oh,thankfuck.“I’mgladyouenjoyedit.”
“Thewaitressmentionedthatyousourceallofyourbeeffromyourfamily’slocalranch.”
“Ido.Myolderbrotherrunstheranch.Everyyearhefinishesahandfulofhisbeststeersforme.”
“Iparticularlyenjoyedtheketchup.That’snotacondimentI’veeverbeenabletocomplimentbefore.”
Ilaughed.“I’llhavetogivecreditforthatrecipetomymother.”
“There’sastorythere,isn’tthere?”
“Thereis.”Igrinned.“Growingup,thereweresixofuskids.Wewentthroughketchuplikecrazy.Onedayweranout.ItwasthemiddleofwinterandMomdidn’tfeellikedrivingintotownonbadroads,soshedecidedtomakesomeofherownwithsometomatoesshe’dcannedfromthegardentheprevioussummer.Idon’tthinkshe’sboughtabottleofHeinzsince.”
Lesterlaughedandpulledanotepadandpenfromthepocketofhisblazer.“WouldyoumindifIusedthatstoryinmyreview?”
“Notatall.”
Hewentaboutmakingafewnotes,allwhilemymindreeled.
Quincy,Montana,wasnotknownforitsfoodscene.Thelocalsdidn’tgiveashitaboutacritic’sreview.Theydidn’tworryaboutpresentation.Theycaredthatthefoodwashotwhenitreachedtheirtableandthepriceswerefair.ItwasabonusifIsourceditemsfromlocalproducers.
Thatwasthefantasticpartaboutlivinghere.Therewasnoposh.Foodwastonourishhard-workingbodiesandifittastedgood,well…thatwasthegoal.
AreviewfromLesterwouldn’tdrivefoodiesthroughKnuckles’frontdoors.Butitwasanaccomplishmentforme.ItwassomethingI’dbeproudofforyearstocome.
“I’vejuststartedwritingamonthlypieceforTravelandLeisuremagazine.”Lestertuckedhispenandnotepadaway.“I’dliketofeatureQuincy,TheEloiseand,inparticular,Knuckles.”
“I’dbehonored.”Ididn’tbotherhidingmysmile.
“I’llbestayingtonightandamlookingforwardtoanotherdinner.”
“FridaynightsIrunaspecial.Ihaven’tdecidedwhatitwillbeyet.Anyrequests?”
Herubbedhishandstogether.“Surpriseme.”
“You’reon.”Ideasracedthroughmymind.Dijonchicken.Porkmedallions.BeefWellington.Idismissedthemallinstantly,needingtohitthewalk-intoseewhatIhadonhand.Maybeafish?
Quincywasallaboutcomforttome.Itwashome.MaybeI’dmakeMemphis’smac’n’cheeseandfryupachickenwithmyfavoritechipotlebatter.
“Forthearticle,themagazinewillwanttosendoutaphotographer,”Lestersaid.“Wouldyoumind?”
“Notaproblem.Justtellmetheday.”
“Excellent.”Lesterstood,holdingouthishandoncemore.
Igottomyfeetandshookit.“Thankyou.Truly.”
“AsIsaid,itwasmypleasure.Untiltonight.”
“Ifyou’reexploringQuincy,I’dliketorecommendEdenCoffee.MysisterLylaownsit.ThoughCleo’sgotherbeatwhenitcomestocinnamonrollsandmuffins.Pleasedon’ttellLylaIsaidthat.”
Lesterlaughed.“Notaword.”
“ButLylamakesatartcherryturnoverthatisincredible.ShegetsthecherriesfromMom’streesandherpastrycrustismagical.Shemadesomethismorning.Ifthey’renotsoldoutalready,youwon’twanttomissit.”
“Youknow,Iwasjustthinkingaboutgettingacoffee.”Hetightenedtheknotonhisscarf.“I’llhavetohurryover.”
Withanodgoodbye,Iwatchedhimcrossthelobby’sfloorandheadoutthedoors.Whenhewasoutofsightfromthelargewindows,Ididafistpump.“Yes.”
“Whowasthat?”EloiseaskedasIpassedbythedeskandheadedforthestairwell.
Iheldupafinger.“Tellyouinasec.”
ThefirstpersonIwantedtotellwasMemphis.
Itookthestairstwoatatime,rushingtofindheronthesecondfloor.Shewasfinishinginthesameroomwherewe’dbeenearlier.Thesoundofherringingphonechimeddownthehallway.
ShewassippinghercoffeewhenIwalkedintotheroom,decliningthecall.Memphisdeclinedalotofcalls.
“Hey,”Isaidsoasnottostartleher.
Hereyeswhippedmydirectionandthecreasebetweenhereyebrows,theonethatalwayscamewiththosecallssheneveraccepted,disappeared.“Thatwastenminutes.”
Iwalkedrightintoherspace,oncemoreliftingthecoffeefromherhand.ThenIframedherfaceanddroppedmylipstohersforaquickkiss.“Guesswhat?”
Shesmiled.“What?”
IrepeatedmyconversationwithLesterinablurandwhenIwasdoneshebeamed.
“Knox,thisis…”Herhandsflewintheair.“It’sLesterNovak.TheLesterNovak.”
“Iknow.”God,Ilovedthatsheknewhowbigofadealthiswas.Thatshewasmoreexcitedthanme.
“WhenIworkedforWardHotels,wealwaystriedtogethimtostopbytherestaurantanddoareview.Butheisnearlyimpossibletoget.Andhe’shere.”Herhandswentintheairagain.“InQuincy.”
“Andhedidn’thatemyfood.”
“Ofcoursehewouldn’thateyourfood.Duh.You’rethebestchefI’veevermet.”
Thecomplimentwasgivensocasually,likeshewasstatingtheobvious.Theskywasblue.Snowwaswhite.Iwasthebestchefintheworld.
FunnyhowweeksagoanopinionlikeLester’swouldhavebeentherulerbywhichImeasuredmysuccess.Now,aslongasMemphisenjoyedhermeals,Ididn’tneedacritic’srevieworfivestarsonYelp.
“Whatareyougoingtomake?”sheasked.
“Idon’tknow.Iwasthinkingcomfortfood.Helikedtheburger.IthinkstickingtofoodthatisQuincytried-and-truewillbebest.ButI’llprobablymakeitupasIgo.That’susuallythebest.”
Shenodded.“Iagree.”
“Wanttostickaround?GogetDrakeandhavedinnerhere?”
“Yes,butIprobablyshouldn’t.Idon’twanttodistractyou.”
“Youareratherdistracting.”Ituggedattheendofherponytail.ThenbecauseIcouldn’tstop,Idroppedmymouthtohersandgotlostinthewomanwhowasconsumingmyeverywakingthought.
Sheleanedintothekiss,risinguptogetcloser.
Iwasbandingmyarmsaroundher,trappinghertomychest,whenathroatclearedfromthedoorway.
Memphistoreherselfaway,hereyeswidening.Behindus,Eloisestoodbesidethecleaningcartinthehallway.
“ShouldIpretendIdidn’tseethat?”Eloiseasked.
“Nope.”Ichuckled,snakinganarmaroundMemphisandpullingherbackintomyarms.
Shestiffened.“Knox.”
“It’stoolatenow,honey.She’snotblind.”
“OhmyGod.”Shebroughtherhandsuptohercheeks,whispering,“I’mgoingtogetfired.”
“Eloise,Memphisisworriedthatshe’sgoingtogetfired.”
“Knox,”Memphishissed,pokingmeintheribs.
Iignoredherandtwistedtomysister.“Areyougoingtofireherforkissingme?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“See?”IgaveMemphisasmirk.“Smalltown,honey.Noonecares.”
“Knox,Ijustcameuptomakesureeverythingwasokay,”Eloisesaid.“Andsinceitis…whenyou’redonehere,wouldyoumakemeanearlylunch?IforgotonetodayandI’mstarving.”
“Sure.”
Eloiseretreateddownthehallway,andwhenweheardthestairwelldooropenandclose,Memphissagged.
“Iwasn’tsureifEloisewouldcare.”
“Nah.ButI’dbettermakeherlunchbeforeshegetshangry.AndbeforeIneedanothercoldshower.”
Memphisgavemeasheepishsmile.“Areyouokaywiththispace?”
“There’snorush.”Ikissedthetopofherhair.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Whenyou’reready,I’llbehere.We’lltakeitslow.Butnohidingit.I’mnotkeepingyouasecret.”
Thecaramelflecksinhereyesdanced.“Nohiding.”
ItmightbeawkwardifItookoverthehotelandbecameherboss’sboss.Butthatwastomorrow’sproblem.Tonight,IjustwantedtomakedinnerforLester.
ThengethometoMemphis.CHAPTERTHIRTEENMEMPHIS
Whenyou’reready,I’llbehere.
WasIready?
Aweekago,no.Knoxhadpickeduponmyhesitancyandhadn’tpushedtoofast.Butnow?MaybeI’dneededtheweektowrapmyheadaroundthis.Tolethimkissmeoften.Tosmilewhenhesmiled.Toopenmymindtotheideaofasomeone
MaybeI’dneededtheweektoremindmyselfthatKnoxwasn’tOliver.AndtoremindmyselfthatIwasn’tthesameMemphiswho’dbeenblindedbyOliver’scharm.
Notfooled.
Blinded.
Thepersonwho’dstolenmysighthadbeenme.I’dshutmyeyestohisfaultsandseenonlygoodlooks,moneyandstatus.
ButI’dhadmyeyesopenedthankstoababyboy.AndwhenIlookedatKnox,IsawthebestmanI’deverknown.
Hehadthelooks.Hehadthecharm.Hehadthemoneyand,inQuincy,plentyofstatusasanEden.Butnoneofitseemedtomattertohim.Hecaredabouthonestyandintegrity.Familyandhardwork.HetreatedmelikeIwaspreciousanddesired.
WasIready?
HeadlightsflashedthroughthewindowandIleaptoffthecouch,racingforthedoor.
OneglanceatKnoxatthebaseofthestairsandIdidn’tneedtoaskmyselfanymorequestions.
Myheartansweredwitharesoundingthump.Thelandingwasfrozenandcold,butIsteppedoutsideinmybarefeetanyway,waitingashejoggedupthestairs.“Well?How’ditgo?”
Knoxansweredbysweepingmeintoanembraceandcarryingmeinside,pushingthedoorclosedbehinduswithhisfoot.Thenhismouthwasonmine,ourlipsmeldinginthatslow,delicioustangleI’dbecomeaddictedtothisweek.
Iwasbreathlessbythetimehefinallysetmeonmyfeet.“So?DidLesterlikedinner?”
“Hetoldmeitwasaboldmovetoservehimmac’n’cheese.ItoldhimIhadawomanathomewho’dpromisedmeitwasthebestintheworld.Heagreed.”
“Yes.”Iflewathim,jumpingintohisarmsbecauseIknewhe’dcatchme.“Iknewit.Iknewhe’dlovewhateveryoumade.”
“I’vegotleftoversinthetruck.Wantsome?”
“Later.”Idroppedmylipstohis,losingmyselfinhistasteandhistongue.MylegswoundaroundhishipsandwhenIfelthisarousalpressintomycenter,thistime,Ididn’tbackaway.Asoneofhisarmsmovedtoholdmythigh,Iarchedintohim,earningalowgrowlfromdeepinhischest.
Hetorehismouthaway.“Fuck,butyoucankiss.”
Ismiled,pressedakisstothecornerofhislips.“Kissmeagain.”
“IbetterwalkoutthatdoorwhileIstillcan.”
“Stay,”Iwhispered.
Hisholdtightened,hiseyesdarkenedwithlust.“Memphis—”
“I’mready.”Iranmyfingersthroughhisthickhair.“Iwasn’taweekago.ButIamnow.”
“Yousure?”
“Yes.”ItrustedKnox.Withmybody.Withmyheart.
Hewasleaningin,hislipsalmostbrushingmine,whenhefroze.
“What?”
“Drake.”
Oh,shit.Whatwaswrongwithme?I’dbeensecondsawayfromjumpingKnoxandmysonwassleepinginhiscrib.“I’mahorriblemother.”
Knoxchuckled.“You’renotahorriblemother.Butlet’stakethistomyplace.”
“Idon’thaveababymonitor.”Theywereexpensive,andsinceDrakeandIlivedinasingleroom,whatwasthepoint?
“Thinkhe’llstayasleepifyouloadhimup?”
“Maybe.”
“Worthashot.Yougethim.”Knoxsetmedownonmyfeet.“I’llgetthecrib.”
Itiptoedacrosstheloft,pickingupDrakeandwrappinghiminablanket.
Inthetimeittookmetopullonacardiganandstepintoapairofshoes,Knoxhadthecribfoldedupandthediaperbaghungoverhisshoulder.
Maybethiswasreckless.Notlongago,I’dhadanuclearexplosionofabreakup.YetasIfollowedKnoxacrossthedrivewaytohishouse,myfeetdancedoverthegravel.Asmilepinchedmycheeks.
Everystepwasfullofanticipation.Everyheartbeatthrummedbeneathmyskin
KnoxEden,fortonight,wasmine.
Heledthewayintothehouse,thenstraightdownthehallwaytowardtheguestbedrooms.HesetupDrake’scriblikeamanwho’ddoneitahundredtimes,notonce.
Likeafather.
Ipressedakisstomyson’shead.DrakeletoutasqueakasIlaidhiminhisbed.ThenIheldmybreath,bothKnoxandIhoveringoverthecrib’srail.“Isthisweird?”
“What?”Knoxwhispered.
“Shufflingababyaroundinthenightsowecan…youknow.”SoIcouldclimbKnoxlikeanakedtree.
“Youthinkthiskilledthemood?”
“Didit?”Pleasesayno.Mybodywasstrungtightandafteraweekofkissing,Iachedformore.
Knoxtookoneofmyhands,bringingittohishard,flatstomach.Then,withhispalmcoveringmyknuckles,hedraggeditlowerandloweroverhisjeans.Hishardnessmademegasp.“Thatansweryourquestion?”
Mymouthwentdry.Thatwasnotasmallbulgebehindhiszipper.
Drakescruncheduphisnoseandshifted,butthenherelaxedanddriftedoffagain.Sleep.Please,baby.Sleep.
Knoxkeptagriponmyhandanddraggedmeoutoftheroom,leavingthedooropensowecouldhearDrakeifhecried.Thenwewerehurryingdownthehallway.Hedidn’tslowhislongstridesforme,hejustpulled,theurgencyinhismovementsmatchedbymyown.
ButIguessIwasn’twalkingfastenoughbecausewhenwereachedthelivingroom,heturnedandsweptmeupandoverashoulder,cartingmetherestofthewaytohisbedroominafireman’shold.
“OhmyGod.”Igiggledashispalmsmackedmyass.ThenIwasflyingthroughtheair,ayelpcaughtinmythroat,beforeIlandedonhisbed.“Yourhousehasalotofwindowsforacaveman.”
Hegrinned,hishandsomefacemutedinthedimmoonlightthatcreptthroughtheglass.Thenheleanedforward,hisarmsplantedbesidemeinthebed.“Youaremine.Whetherwedothistonightornot.”
Hewasgoingtomakemefallinlovewithhim,wasn’the?
Iputmypalmagainsthisbeardedcheek,thenleanedin,closingthedistance,andtookhismouth.
Knox’sintensitymetmine,desirecurlingbetweenmylegs.TheacheI’dhadforhimcametonewlifeashishandsslippedbeneaththethinfabricofthecamisoleI’dpulledonwithmypajamabottoms.
Hemovedmedeeperintothebedandthenhewaseverywhere,kissingdownmyneckwhilehishandsroamedmyribsandthesoftswellofmybreasts.Mycardiganwasstrippedfrombeneathmeandtossedtothefloor.
MyhandsthreadedintohishairasIletthescentofhisbedroomwraparoundme.SoapandsageandKnox.
Everytouch,everycaress,madethethrobinmycorepulsestronger.“More.”
Knoxignoredmeandcontinuedhisdelicioustorture,nevertouchingmewhereIneededhimtotouchme,justgettingclose.Anddamnit,wewerebothfullyclothed.IwasabouttocrawloutofmyskinifIdidn’tgettotouchhis.
Myfingersabandonedhishairtopullandtugathisshirt,buteverytimeIhadthehemtuggeduphisspine,hetwistedandIlostmygrip.“You’rekillingme.”
“Slow.Remember?”
“That’sahorribleidea.”
“Justmakingsureyou’reready.”Hedippedlower,dragginghistongueacrossmycollarbone.Hishandsliddownmybelly,dippingbelowtheelasticwaistbandofmypajamapants.Thenthoselongfingerswerebeneathmypanties,glidingthroughmywetfolds.
“Knox.”Iarchedintohistouch,myeyesfallingclosed.
Hislipstraveledlowerandlower.Ahandcametofreemybreast.ThenhishotmouthclosedoveranippleandInearlycameundone.
IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dfeltworshiped.Sexy.Mybodycamealivebeneathhistouchandthemorehetoyed,themoreItrembled.
“Don’tcome,”heordered.
Myeyesflewopen.“What?”
Hegavemeawickedgrin.“Don’tcome.Notyet.”
“Thenyou’dbetterstop.”
Hishandcameoutofmypantsandheclimbedoffthebed.Themomenthereachedforthehemofhisshirt,Iproppeduponanelbowandrefusedtoblinkashedraggeditoverhishead.I’dseenhimshirtlessthroughthewindow,butdamn.Therewasnothinglikeaclose-upviewofthosewashboardabs.Thedefinitionathishipswasmouthwatering.HehadtheVthatdisappearedpastthewaistbandofhisjeans.
Thetattoosonhisbicepswrappedupandaroundhisshoulders.Onedippedlowtohispec.Ifheletmetonight,I’dgladlytracethelineswithmyfingertipsandmytongue.
Hekickedoffhisshoeswhileflippingthebuttononhisjeans.
ThehitchedbreaththatescapedmylipsmadeKnoxfreeze.“Toofast?”
Ishookmyhead,eyesgluedtohislong,thickcock.“You’re,um…wow.”
Heplantedakneeinthebed,coveringmewiththatmuscularbody.Anarmreachedforthenightstanddrawerandwhenhebroughtthecondombetweenus,hegavemeonemorechancetohitthebrakes.“Wecansavethisforanothernight.”
“Whyareyoutryingtotalkmeoutofhavingsexwithyou?”
Hekissedthetipofmynose.“BecausetonightwillbethebestdamntimeI’vehadinyears.Iwantthatforyoutoo.Noregrets.”
“Noregrets.”
Heheldmygaze,searchingforashredofdoubt.Hewouldn’tfindone.
Ishovedathisshoulders,forcinghimup.ThenIstrippedoffmyowntop,tossingittothefloor.Hiseyesflaredatthesightofmybarebreasts.ThatappreciationwasenoughtobanishanyfearsthatmybodyhadchangedafterchildbirthandI’dlostmyappeal.
Knoxsurged,hislipsfusingtomine.Thenwewereamessoffranticmovementsaswebothworkedtoshoveawaymypants,leavingnothingbetweenusbutheat.
Hisweightsettledintothecradleofmyhips.Hisbodywasatowerofstrength.Hisarmsbracketingmyfacekepthimfromcrushingme,buthestayedcloseenoughthatthedustingofhaironhischestrubbedagainstmysensitivenipples.
“Youare…youareadream,”hebreathed.“Igaveuponthose.”
Mybreathhitched.“SodidI.”
Hiskisswassoftandgentleashepositionedhimselfatmyentrance.Thenherockedustogether,inchbyinch.
Isavoredthestretch,thefeelofhimsohardinsideme.Myentirebodyignitedashemoved,inandout,indeliberate,measuredstrokesuntilIwasclawingathisshoulders,urginghimon,fasterandfaster.
Thisman,holyGodhehadstamina.Knoxnevertired.Heneverstopped,justfucked,exactlylikeawomanshouldbefucked.Longandwithraptattention.
Thesoundofourlaboredbreathsechoedinthedarkroom.ThemagnificenttensionbuilthigherandhigherwitheachofhisthrustsuntilIfeltlikeglassreadytoshatter.
“Come.”Knoxdroppedhismouthtomypulseandsucked.Hard.Thenhepistonedhiships,hittingthatspotinsidethatmademeseestars.
Iexplodedaroundhim,pulsingandsqueezing,astheworlddisappeared.Therewasnothingbutusandthefallovertheedge.
Tremorsrackedmybodyandwithagroan,heburiedhisfaceinmyhair,hisownlimbsshaking,andgaveintohisownorgasm.
Hisheartthunderedashecollapsedontopofme.“Goddamn,Memphis.”
“Thatwas…”Iwrappedmyarmsandlegsaroundhim,notwantingtolosetheweight.Butheshifted,rollingtohissideandpullingmeintohischest.
“Thatwasfuckingfire.”
Ismiledagainsthisthroat,contenttosleepexactlylikethis,ourbodiesdampwithsweatandtangledtogether.Butmysonhadotherideas.
Atinycrycarriedthroughthehouse.Irolledoffthebed,scurryingformyclothes.ThenIjoggedtothekitchen,rushingtogetabottleandformulafromthediaperbag.
I’djustfilleditwithwaterwhenashirtlessKnoxcamestridingdownthehallway,passingthekitchenfortheguestbedroom.HeemergedmomentslaterwithDrakeinhisarms.
“Icantakehim,”Isaid.
“I’vegothim.”Hestolethebottlefrommyhandandwalkedtothecouch,settlingdownwiththebaby.
Icurledupontheotherend,tuckingmylegsbeneathme.
Thosetwowereasight.Adream.
DrakelookedcontentinKnox’sarms.Knoxseemedhappytoo.
“Thiswasabestday,”Iwhispered.“Topfive.”
“Tellmeaboutthem.Yourtopfivebestdays.”
“Youalreadyknowthefirst.”
“Drake’sbirthday.”
Inodded.“Earlyoninlabor,whenthecontractionsweren’tcomingoneontopofanother,thisnursebroughtmeinabasketofknittedbabyhats.Awomanwhovolunteeredinthenurserymadethemforallthenewbabies.Ipickedoutthissoftgrayone,andasIheldit,IhadthisfeelinglikeIwasexactlywhereIneededtobe.Haveyoueverfeltlikethat?”
“Yeah.ThedayImovedhomefromSanFranciscoandwalkedintothekitchenatTheEloise.”
“It’sagoodfeeling.”
“Thatitis.”Heglanceddownatmyson.“Whatabouttheotherdays?”
“MythirdbestdaywasthedayIgraduatedfromcollege.MygirlfriendsandIplannedthisamazingparty.Wegotalldressedupandwentclubbinganddrankchampagneanddancedallnight.”
Thememoryofthatnightwasn’tasbrightasithadbeen.Ihadn’tspokentoanyofthosefriendsinmonths.We’ddriftedapartsomeaftercollege,eachofusbusywithfledglingcareers.ThenI’dgottenpregnantandmyclubbingnightshaddisappearedandwiththem,myfriends.
Friendswhoweren’treallyfriends.IstilllikedtheirphotosonInstagram.Theysenttheoccasionaltexttocheckin.Butourliveshadgoneindifferentdirections.
“Myfourth-bestdaywasatripItooktoHawaiiforwork,”Isaid.“We’djustopenedahotelonMaui,andI’dgoneouttoworkwiththelocalmarketingteamtogetsomepicturesandcontentforsocialmedia.Iflewoutearlyandspentanentiredayonthebeach,readingandnappinganddoingnothingbutlisteningtothesoundofthewaves.”
“Whenwasthat?”
“Acoupleyearsago.Itwasmymostpeacefulday.”Becausenotlongafter,I’dmetOliver.Andhe’dbroughtchaostomylife.
“Ihaven’tbeentothebeachinages.”KnoxtooktheemptybottlefromDrakeandsetitontheendtable.Thenheshiftedmysonoverhisshoulder,pattinghisback.“Okay,what’sthenextbest?”
“ThedayImovedintomytownhouseinthecity.”Anotherbestdaytainted.
I’dhopedtobuythetownhousefrommyparents.Thelocationhadbeenfantastic,justashortwalktosomeofmyfavoriterestaurants.There’dbeenacoffeeshopthreeblocksaway.ItsonlyrivalforavanillalattewasLyla’s.Thetownhouse’sinteriorI’ddecoratedexactlytomystyle,classyandchicandcomfortable.
IgaveKnoxasadsmile.“Ireallylovedthatplace.”
“Isthatwhyyourdadtookitaway?”
“Probably.”
Myfatherhadwantedhisway.Andlikehehadourentirelives,hekepthischildreninlinebytakingawaythethingsweloved.
“Sorry,honey.Gottasay…I’mnotcoolwithyourdad.”
“I’mnotcoolwithhimeither.”
WhenI’dfirsttoldKnoxaboutmyfamily,Ihadn’twantedthemtoseemugly.Butasthedayspassed,asKnoxinteractedwithEloiseorAnnepoppedintothehoteltocheckonherkids,Ibegantoseemyparents’truecolors.Blackandlifelessandempty.
Drakeletoutaburpsolouditfilledtheroom.Iblurtedoutalaugh,sodidKnox,andthenDrakecooedasleepyyawnbeforepassingout.
“Sowhatwasyourfifth-bestday?”
“Ijusttoldyou.Thetownhouseday.”
Hiseyebrowsfurrowed.“Sotodaywasyoursecond-bestday?”
“Yeah.”
“Yousaidtopfive.Butitwasnumbertwo?”
Withoutquestion.
He’dbroughtmemyfavoritecoffee.He’dvisitedmeallmorningforkissafterkiss.Knoxhadmademefeelspecial.Wanted.Afterhe’dtalkedtoLester,he’dcometotellmefirst.Andthentonight…MaybeIwasgivingawaytoomuch.OldMemphiswouldhaveplayeditdifferently.ButIwasn’tplaying.Notanymore.
“Itwasareallygoodday,”Isaid.
Sowhywasn’thesmiling?
Silencestretchedthroughtheroomlikethedarknessandthenightbeyondthewindows.AchillcreptalongmyskinasKnoxstaredstraightahead,sittingmotionlessandgivingnothingaway.
Hadhenotlikedtoday?He’dprobablyhadcountlessbestdays.Thisoneprobablypaledincomparisontothememorabledaysinhislife.Maybehethoughtmyrankinggoodandbadtimeswassilly.
Notforme.
Whenyoulivedwithsharks,youmarkedthedayswhenaliferaftcamefloatingyourway.
“WhatdidIsaywrong?”
“Nothing.”KnoxstoodandcarriedDraketotheguestroom.
Ifollowed,hoveringbythedoorashelaidthebabyinhiscrib.MystomachknottedasKnoxturnedandactedasthoughhe’dwalkstraightpastme.Butashischestbrushedmyshoulder,hesnaggedmyhandandtowedmethroughthehouse.
Hedroppedmyhandwhenwesteppedintohisbedroomandrubbedhispalmoverhisjaw.“Todaywasyoursecond-bestday.”
“Well…yeah.What’swrongwiththat?”
Heshookhishead.“Itwasjustanormalday,honey.”
“Maybeforyou.”Iliftedashoulder.“Mynormaldaysaren’tlikethis.”
“That’s…”Knoxpacedatthefootofthebed,steppingovertheshirthehadn’tputon.“That’snotright.Andfuck,ithurts.Ithurtsmeforyou.”
“Why?Whatiswrongwithtodaybeingabestday?”
“Becausetodaywasnormal.”Hethrewupahand.“Justanormal,goodday.Youworked.Iworked.Wecamehome.That’sit.”
“Butitwasabestbecauseofyou.”
“Memphis.”Hepressedahandtohisheart.“Youhonorme.”
“It’sjustthetruth.”
Hestrodetowardme,takingmyfaceinhishands.“Thenhere’sanothertruth.I’mgoingtotakethem.I’mgoingtotakeallofyourbests.Everydamnoneuntilyoucan’tkeeptrackofthetopfiveanymorebecausetherearesomanybeststhatyou’llneedahundredtocapturethemall.”
“Promise?”Iwhispered.
“Iswearit.”CHAPTERFOURTEENKNOX
Iwasthreestepsdownthehallwaywhenthesightinmyfavoritechairstoppedmemidstride.
MemphishadDrakeonherknee,holdinghimupbythearmpits.Sheleanedinandblewakissonhisneck,makinghimgiggle.Whenhelaughed,shelaughed.Whenhereyestwinkled,hisdidthesame.Hehadhereyes,chocolatebrownfleckedwithgold.
Thepairofthemwereintheirownlittleworldinthatchair.
Memphishadrolledoutofbedwhenhe’dstartedmakingnoisesthismorning.I’drushedthroughashowerbutnowIsawtheerrorofmyways.Ishouldhavebeenrighthere,watchingfromthesidelinesbecausegoddamnit,thatwasaview.
Nothingbeyondmywindowswouldevercompare.
Memphispulledinanexaggeratedbreath,thenkissedhimagain,earninganotherlaugh.Abiglaughforsuchasmallperson.
Drakewouldhaveahappylife.She’dmakesureofit.
Andafterlastnight,Iwouldtoo.
Therewasnogoingbackwardnow.Notafterlastnight.
She’dgivenmeherbestdays.I’dgivehermine.
Bothofthem.
Iungluedmyfeetandpaddedintothelivingroom,goingtothebackofthechair.
“Hi.”Memphissmiledasshelookedupatme.
“Hi.”Ipulledherblondhairoutofherfaceandleanedforward,bendingatthewaisttokissher.ThenIstoleDrakefromherlap.“Morning,boss.”
Hedrooledandshovedachubbyfistinhismouth.
Ikissedhischeek.“You’regettingbig.”
Drakeansweredbypoppingthatfistfreeandlettingoutasquealthatfilledthehouse.Thenoisestartledhim,hiseyeswide,andthenhediditagain,stretchingitoutlouderandlouder.
Memphislaughed.“Thisishisnewpartytrick.”
“Ilikeit.”Isettledhimagainstmyribsandcarriedhimtothekitchen,openingtherefrigeratordoor.
Memphisfollowed,takingaseatonastoolattheisland.
“Whendoeshestartgettingsolidfoods?”Ipulledoutacartonofeggs.
“Whenhe’ssixmonths.”
“Couplemoretogo.ThenI’llhookyouup,littleman.We’renotdoingboringbabyfoodinthishouse.”IglancedoveratMemphis.“Canbabieshave—what?Whatisthatlookfor?”
Shelookedlikeshewasabouttocry.“You’rereallynotgoinganywhere,areyou?”
“No.”Iabandonedthefridgeandwalkedaroundtheisland,crowdingherspace.“Thisisnew.We’lltakealittletime.Getusedtoeachother.ButI’mnotthekindofmanwhogivesupwhat’sgood.Andwe’regood.We’refuckinggood,honey.”
Shenoddedandsmiled,wipingathereyes.“Wearegood.”
Ikissedherforehead,thenhandedherDrake.“Whatdoyouwantforbreakfast?”
“Whateveryou’remaking.”
“Howhungryareyou?”
Sheshrugged.“I’mnotstarving.”
“Thinkyoucanwaitanhour?Icanmakeaquiche.”
“I’llwait.”
Iwinked.“Goodchoice.”
“Wait.”SheheldupahandasIpulledoutamixingbowl.“Whataboutwork?”
“I’mnotworkingtoday.”
“But…it’saSaturday.”
Andsincethedayshe’dmovedin,I’dworkedeverySaturday.“ItextedRoxannelastnightandaskedifshecouldcovertoday.”
“Youdid?When?”
“Afteryoufellasleep.”Iwantedadaywiththem.Afullday,nodistractions.Justanothernormaldaytoshowherhowgoodnormalcouldbe.“Gotanyplanstoday?”
“Um…no.Iwasgoingtocleantheloft.Dosomelaundry.”
“Howaboutwehanghereinstead?”
ThesmilethatstretchedacrossherprettymouthmadetheflackI’dcatchfromRoxannelaterworthit.
NeverinmylifehadIcanceledonworktobewithawoman.RoxannehadalreadybeenteasingmeforditchingoutonprepworktohuntMemphisdowninthehotel.SolastnightwhenI’dtoldherI’dgiveheranextravacationdayoverChristmasifsheworkedforme,she’dsentastringofheartandeye-rollemojisandasinglethumbs-up.
Iwenttothepantryforflourandsalttomakethepiecrust.
MemphisputDrakeonablanketonthefloorinthelivingroomtokickandsqueal.Thenshesatattheislandandwatchedmework,herattentionfixedonmyeverymove.
“WatchingyoucookisbetterthanTV.”
Ichuckledandputthequicheintheoven.ThenIwashedmyhandsandtossedthetowelasidebeforeIslidontothestoolbesidehers,fittingherlegsbetweenmyspreadknees.Iskimmedherthighs,lookingforwardtoDrake’sfirstnap,whenIcouldstripheroutofthesepajamabottoms.“Kissme.”
Sheleanedinbutstopped,awhisperawayfrommylips.“Sayplease.”
“WhatifIdon’t?”
“ThenIwon’tkissyou.”
Igrinned,draggingmymouthacrosshers.“Sureaboutthat?”
“Sayplease.”
“Please.”
Shelaunchedherselfatme,flyingoffherstool.Herarmswrappedaroundmyshouldersandhertonguewasinmymouth.Fuckbreakfast,Ididn’tneedadamnthingmorethanthiswoman.
Drakegaveawail,causingMemphisandmetofreeze.Thenwebothlaughedwhenhekeptonbabbling,testingtheacousticsofmyhouse.
“I’mgoingtoruntotheloftandgrabafewmorediapers.”Sheglancedatthetimerontheoven.“Maybetakeaquickshower.”
“Goforit.I’llwatchDrake.”
“Areyousure?Icanjusttakehimwithme.”
“Nah.He’shappy.”Myhandglidedoverthecurveofherass.“Bringoveranythingyouwantfortoday.Andtonight.”
Nowthatshe’dsleptinmybed,therewasnowayshe’dbespendinganothernightintheloft.
“Thanks.”Shekissedmycheek,thenhurriedforthedoor,steppingintohershoesandpullinghercardigantighter.
Whenshewasatthestaircasetotheloft,IstretchedoutbesideDrakeonthefloor,pinchinghistoesandticklinghistummy.
Thepainofbeingnearhim,theacheI’dfeltearlyon,hadvanished.WhenIlookedathim,Ididn’tseeJadon.IjustsawDrake.Mytinyboss.
“Weneedmoretoys.”EverytimeI’dgonetoGriffandWinn’splace,Hudsonhadatleastthreenewtoys.Theirlivingroomhadabasketoverflowingwithstuffiesandplasticbaubles.“MaybeyouandHudsoncanplaytogetheronedaytoo.Buildforts.Chasedogs.Bebuddies.”Cousins
Irolledontomyback,staringatthewhiteceiling.Mybrainwasgettingwaytoofaraheadofreality.
ThathadbeenmyproblemwithGiannatoo.I’dbeensolostinplanningthefuture,intheideaofmyownfamily,rowdyandrambunctious,thatI’dmissedthesignsthatshe’dbeenkeepingasecret.
Notlongaftershe’dfoundoutshewaspregnant,Giannawouldstareatmeandopenhermouth,butnothingwouldcomeout.There’dbeentimeswhenI’dfoundherstaringatawall,herarmswrappedaroundherbellyandherkneebouncingwildly.Othertimes,whenI’dtalkaboutthefutureandmaybemovingusalltoMontanaoneday,herfacewouldpale
“What’sthedealwithyourfather?”IrolledtomysideandlookedatDrake.Hehadhisfeetinhishandsandaglobofdroolonhisbottomlip.Iwipedhismouthdry,thensighed.“Wanttotellmeaboutitsinceyourmomdoesn’tseemliketalking?”
Anothertrickleofdroolescaped.
She’dtellme.Memphiswouldeventuallyexplain,wouldn’tshe?
“Whatelseshouldwehaveforbreakfast?Fruit?”IjackknifedoffthefloorandsweptDrakeup,rufflinghishair.Thenweretreatedtothekitchen,whereIshutdownmyownmentalbullshitandconcentratedonthemeal.
Therewasnopointinworrying.MemphiswasnotGianna.Shehadn’tconfidedinmeaboutherpastorDrake’sfatherandIhadtobelievethatwasforareason.Thatshe’dtellmewhenshewasready.Wejusthadn’tgottenthereyet.
LikeI’dtoldMemphisthismorning.We’dtakealittletime.Getusedtoeachother.
Iwasraidingmyfruitbowl,pullingoutacoupleofpeaches,whenthecrunchoftiresandthehumofanenginesoundedoutside.
“Ofcoursetheyshowonmydayoff,”Imuttered,sureitwaseitheraparentorasibling.ButasIpeeredthroughthewindowthatoverlookedthesink,anunfamiliarblackSUVrolledtoastopinthedriveway.
“Someonegotlost,didn’tthey?”IaskedDrake,walkingtoswipeuphisblanketandwraphimup.
IwasjustpullingonapairofbootswhenamanaboutthesameageasmyfathersteppedoutfrombehindtheSUV’swheel.Headjustedthetieathisneckandtuggedatthesleevesofhissuitjacket.
Buthedidn’tcometowardmydoor.Hehadhisgazeontheloft.
Memphisstoodinthemiddleofthestaircase,herhandwrappedsotightaroundtherailingthatevenfromthisdistanceIcouldseeherwhiteknuckles.
“Whatthehell?”Ihustledtogetmybootson.
BythetimeIopenedthedoor,Memphishadcomedownthestairstostandinfrontoftheman,hershouldersstiff.HerexpressionwasblankandascoldastheNovembermorning.Hereyesnarrowed.Herlipspursed.
TheSUV’spassengerdooropenedasIcamedownthesidewalkandawomandressedinanice-bluepantsuitsteppedout.Herheelsteeteredonthegravelasshewalkedtostandattheman’sside.
Itwasonlywhenshelookedoverhershoulder—notatme,butatDrake—andpulledthesunglassesoffherfacedidIrecognizetheresemblance.Thebrowneyes.Theblondhair.Theprettynoseandlovelychin.
Hermother.
Myfreehandballedintoafist.
“You’reunwelcomehere.”Memphis’svoicecarriedstrongandclear.
Damnstraighttheywereunwelcome.
“Unwelcome?”ThemanIassumedwasherfatherscoffed.“Enoughofthisactforattention,Memphis.Weareleaving.Today.”
“Safetravels.”Hervoicewasasflatashergaze.
Iwalkedpastherparents,takingastancebehindMemphis.Itwasn’teasy,butIkeptmymouthshutasherfatherlookedmeupanddownwithasneer.WhenthemotherstaredatDrakelikeshewasabouttosnatchhim,Ispunhimaway.
“I’vebeencalling,”hermothersaid,hereyesstilllockedonthebaby.
“AndIhaven’tanswered.”Memphisshifted,puttingherselfinfrontofDrake.
Thatwaswho’dbeencalling.Formonthsandmonths.Persistent,wasn’tshe?
“Getinthecar,”herfatherbarked.
“No.”Memphis’slipcurled.“Youhavenosayinmylife.Leave.”
“Youcallthisalife?”Hecurledhislipandglaredattheloft.“You’relivingaboveagarage.You’recleaningrooms.You’relivingonminimumwage.”
“That’s—wait.”Herspine,alreadystiff,becamearodofsteel.“HowdoyouknowwhereI’mlivingandwhereI’mworking?”
“DoyoureallythinkI’dletyoujustleave?”
Memphisscoffed.“Youhadmefollowed.”
Hermotherdroppedherchin.Herfatherraisedhis.
Monthsago,rightaftershe’dmovedhere,I’dseenthatflashofheadlightsontheroadonenight.I’dthoughtitwassomeonewho’dbeenlost.Butmaybeithadbeenwhoeverthey’dsenttofollowMemphis.
“Howlongdidyouhavemefollowed?”Memphisasked.
Herfatherdidn’tsomuchasblinkatherquestion.Itwasclearhedidn’tdeemherworthyofanexplanation.“We’releaving.Getinthecar.”
ItwasMemphis’sturntoblink.
“Yousignedanoncompeteclause,”herfatherdeclared.
“Yourpoint?”Shecrossedherarmsoverherchest.
“You’reworkingatahotel.”
“Isthatwhatyou’reworriedabout,Dad?ThatI’llsharecompanysecrets?I’mahousekeeper.AndQuincy,Montana,isn’texactlythemarketforaWardHoteldevelopment.”
“Icouldtakeyoutocourt.”
Wasthismotherfuckerreallythreateningtosuehisowndaughter?
“Sueme.”Memphisshrugged.“NoncompetesarenotenforceableinMontana.Yes,Ichecked.NorhaveIviolatedthetermsofmynondisclosureagreementbysharingconfidentialWardHotelinformation.Butsueme.Ifyouwanttosevertheverythinthreadsofourrelationship,sueme.Inthehighlyunlikelyeventajudgerulesagainstme,thenyoucanhavethetwentydollarstomyname.I’llscrubbathroomsandmakebedsuntilIearnanothertwenty.Butthreateningme,orderingmearound,didn’tworkinNewYork.Itsureashellwon’tworkhere.”
Thatwasmygirl.Therewasthefire.Ittookeveryounceofrestrainttokeepquiet,butshedidn’tneedmesteppinginforher.IwouldifIhadto,butdeterminationwascreepingintohereyes.Likeshewasgettingthechancetosaythethingsthathadbeenbuildinginhermindformonths.
“Youhavethirtysecondstoloadupthatchildandgetintothecar.”
“Orwhat?”
“Oryou’llhearfromourlawyers.”
Memphisshookherhead.“Whyareyoureallyhere?Whyhaveyoubeencalling?Whatdoyouwantfromme?”
Herfatherstoodtaller.“Youaremydaughter.Therearethingstodiscuss.Inprivate.”Theman’seyesflickedtomine.MaybeherealizedrightawaythatIwasn’tthetypetobeintimidated,buthisgazedidn’tholdmineforlong.
“Ihavenothingtodiscusswithyou.”Memphiscrossedherarmsoverherchest.
Hereachedforher,wrappinganarmaroundherelbow.
Andthat’swhenIgotreallyfuckingpissed.
Igrabbedthatbastard’swristandtoreitfree.“You’retrespassing.Getthefuckoffmyproperty.”
“Youhavenosayinthis.”Heshookhishandfree,stretchingforMemphis.
“Touchheragainandthey’llneverfindyourbody.”
Themothergasped.Thefatherpaled,barely,butitwasenough.
Withoutanotherword,IclaspedMemphis’shandandstormedpastthem,walkingsofastthatshehadtojogeveryfewstepstokeepup.
Theoventimerwasbeepingwhenwewalkedinside.IhandedoverDrake,kickedthedoorclosedandstalkedtotheoven,takingoutthequiche.Thecrust’sedgesweren’tburntbuttheyweretoodark.
Ibracedmyhandsonthesink,staringthroughthewindowasherparentsclimbedintotheirvehicleanddisappeared.“Memphis—”
WhenIturned,shewasstandingbythewindowclosesttothedoor,hereyesgluedontheroad.AstreamoftearsstreakeddownherfaceandsheheldDrakesotightthathebegantosquirm.
“Memphis.”Istrodetothewindows,reachingforDrake.Butshedidn’tlethimgo.“Givemethebaby,honey.”
Sheshookherhead.“I’vegothim.”
“I’mjustgoingtosethimdownsowecantalk.”
Ittookheramoment,butshefinallylethimgosoIcouldlayouttheblanketandsethimdowntoplay.ThenIreturnedtothewindowandwrappedherupinmyarms.
“Whywon’ttheyforgetme?”shewhispered.ThepaininhervoicewasenoughformetohatethemandIdidn’tevenknowtheirnames.
“Becauseyou’rehardtoforget.”
“IhatethatI’mcrying.”Hervoicecracked.
“Why?”
“Becauseafterallthey’vedonetome,Ishouldn’tcare.ButIdo.”Asobescaped.“Foramoment,whenIsawthemdriveup,Ithought…maybetheywereheretoapologize.Maybetheywereheretogivemeahugandsaytheymissedme.AndIwassohappytoseethembecauseforbetterorworse,theyaremyparents.Buttheydon’tcare.Whydon’ttheycareaboutme?”
ShefellforwardandhadInotbeenholdingher,shewouldhavecrumpledtothefloor.SoIspunherinmyarmsandheldhertight,lettinghercryintomyT-shirt.Whenshefinallystopped,shestoodstraightandthelookonherfacewasheartbreaking.
Shelookedmorebeatendownthanshehadonthedayshe’darrived.
“Theydidn’tevenaskaboutDrake.”Herchinquivered.“They’veneverevenaskedmehisname.”
“I’msorry.”Iusedmythumbtocatchatear.“I’msosorry.”
“Theyareugly,aren’tthey?”MemphissteppedawayandwalkedtoDrake,droppingonherkneesathisside.Thensheheldhishand,drawingcomfortfromhistinyfingers.“Wedon’tneedthem,dowe?”
No,theydidnot.
“Iforgothisdiapers.”Hershouldersfell.
“I’llgogetthem.”
“Ican.”
“No.Youstay.”IwastoopissedtostaystillandneededthetasktocalmdownbeforeMemphisandIhadaconversation.
Imarchedtotheloft,thescentofMemphis’ssoapintheair.TherewasanemptylaundrybasketonthecountersoIsweptitupandfilledittothebrim.Diapers.Formula.Shampoo.Clothes.IfIhadtomoveherintomyplaceonelaundrybasketatatime,sobeit.
WhenImadeithome,Memphishadmovedtothelivingroom.Drakewassuckingdownabottleandshewascurledintothecornerofthecouch,shrinkingintothecushions.
Fuckthosepeople.
“Whataretheirnames?”Iasked,settingthebasketdownandtakingtheseatbesideher.“Yourparents.Whataretheirnames?”
“Whydoyouwanttoknow?”
“SothatwhenIcursethem,eitherinmyheadoroutloud,Icanbeprecise.”
Shegavemeasadsmile.“BeatriceandVictor.”
FuckBeatriceandVictor.“WhatamImissing,Memphis?”Becausetherehadtobemoretothisstory.Whyhadshedeclinedhermother’scalls?Whyhadhermotherkeptcalling?WhyhadtheycometoMontanatotryanddragherbacktoNewYork?
“Idon’tknow,”shewhispered.“ButifIhadtoguess…I’dsaytheyfoundoutaboutDrake’sfather.”
“Youreadytotellmeaboutthat?”
“No,”shewhispered.“Notyet.”
“Soon,honey.”
Dreadcreptintoherexpression.
Aknotformedinmygut.
Anotherwomanwithsecrets.
IguessIdidhaveatype.CHAPTERFIFTEENMEMPHIS
Knoxrappedhisknucklesonthebathroomdoor,thenwalkedtomeatthecounter,settingdownasteamingmugofcoffee.“Here,honey.”
“Thanks.”Iputmybrushdownandgavehimasmilethroughthemirror.MyhairhungindampstrandsdownmybackandtheplushwhitetowelI’dcinchedaroundmychestwassobigithitmeattheknees.
Hedroppedakisstomybareshoulderandgavemealookthatsaidtodaywasn’tgoingtobetherelaxing,stress-freeSundayI’dhopedfor.OurSaturdayhadn’tbeenalotoffuneither.
“Icalledthehotel.TalkedtoMateo.HecheckedinacouplewiththelastnameWardlastnight.”
Myhandsfisted.“Theydidn’tleave.”
“Nope.”
“Well…shit.”
“Prettymuch,”hemuttered.
Ofcoursethey’dbeatTheEloise,pollutingwhatwasmine.Therewereafewmotelsintheareabutnonewereasnice.
Whatweremyparentsdoinghere?Whythephonecalls?Whytheprivateinvestigator?They’dturnedtheirbacksonmewhenI’dneededthemmost,yetnowtheyshowed.Now?MaybeIcouldbelievetherewasn’tsomeulteriormotiveifonlyMomhadvisited.Ithadbeenhercallingformonths.ButforDadtomakethetriptoMontana,therewassomethingelsegoingon.
There’dbeendesperationinhisvoiceyesterday.Urgency.
“Ineedtotalktothem,”Igrumbled.
“Givemetentoshower.Thenwe’llgo.”
“Wait.”Iheldupahandbeforehecouldtakeoffhisshirt.“I’dbettertalktothemalone.”
“No.”
“Knox—”
“No,Memphis.”
Isteppedcloser,fittingmyhandstohisribs,feelingthetensioninhisbodybeneaththelong-sleevedthermalhe’dpulledonthismorningafterrollingoutofbed.“Ilovethatyou’rereadytofollowmeintobattle.ButIknowmyparents.Iknowmyfather.Ifyou’rethere,hewon’ttellmethetruth.He’llbeonthedefense.”
Knoxdraggedinabreath,hisnostrilsflaring.Thenhisframerelaxedandhewrappedmeinhisarms.“Idon’tlikethis.”
“Meneither.”
“I’mnotstayinghere.We’llgointogether.DrakeandIwillhangattherestaurant.”
Inodded,buryingmyfaceinhischest,drawingfromhisstrength.“Okay.”
Hekissedmyforehead,thenwebothflewintoaction,meblow-dryingmyhairwhileheshowered.
He’dtakenseventripstotheloftyesterday,eachtimeundertheruseofgettingsomethingforDrake.He’dleavewithmyemptylaundrybasketandreturnwithitoverflowing.
Myshampooandconditionerwereintheshower.Myothertoiletrieswereinadrawerbeneathoneofthedoublesinks.Myclotheswerehunginhiscloset.Mypanties,socksandbraswereinthedresser.AndnearlyeverythingofDrake’swasintheguestbedroom.
Inasingleday,he’dpracticallymovedusin.
Weweremovingatthespeedoflight,andeventhoughmybrainscreamedformetoslowhimdown,myheartrefusedtoputupafight.Instead,I’djusthelpedhimorganize.
Ifwefellapart—God,Ihopedwedidn’tfallapart—I’dbemovingintotown.Sowhatwasthedifferencebetweenmovingoutofhisplaceortheloft?
WhileIchangedDrakeoutofhispajamasandintoanoutfit,Knoxreloadedthediaperbag.WhenIsteppedoutside,readytoheadfortheVolvo,Knox’struckwasrunning,thecabwarm,andthebaseforDrake’scarseatwassecuredintheback.
Thedrivetotownwassilent.ThiswasthefirsttimeI’dbeenapassengerinages,andseeingQuincyfromthisanglewasdifferent.Ormaybetodayaswedrove,Isawitforwhatithadbecome.
Home
Thetowncouncilwasalreadygearingupfortheholidays.Pine-bowgarlandstwinedaroundeachofthelamppoststhatlinedMainStreet.QuincyFarmandFeedhadfencedoffaquarteroftheirparkinglotforChristmastrees.ThemovietheaterfeaturedthelatestblockbusteralongwithDr.Seuss’sTheGrinch
Ihadn’tbeentothetheateryetbutwhenDrakewasolder,we’dbeweekendregulars.AchalkboardsignforfreeappleciderhadbeenplacedinthewindowoftheWoodenSpoon.AnotherstoreIhadn’tbeeninyetbutmaybeI’dswinginandgetKnoxakitchengadget.Iknewthestorefrontsbutnottheirinteriors.Ihadn’tmadeexploringQuincyapriority,butthatwasabouttochange.
SinceI’dleftthecity,I’dbeentellingmyselfnottogiveup.ButdidIneedthedailyremindersanymore?Maybenot.
Iwasn’tgivingQuincyup.
OrKnox.
“Hey.”Hestretchedanarmacrossthetruck’scabandcapturedmyhand.“Changeyourmindaboutmecomingalong?”
Isquaredmyshoulders.“No.I’llhandlethem.”
“Theresheis.”Heshotmeagrin.“There’smygirl.”
Yes,Iwashis.AndIcoulddothis.
AswedrewclosertoTheEloise,IspottedtheSUVmyparentshadbeendrivingyesterday.Myheartratespikedasweeasedintothealleybehindthehotel.IswallowedmynervesandfocusedongettingDrakeoutofthetruck.
“I’llcarryhim,”ItoldKnoxwhenhereachedforthecarseat’shandle.Ineededtheweighttokeepmyhandsfromtrembling.
Wewalkedinsideandheadedstraighttowardthefrontdesk,whereMateowasdrinkingato-gocupofcoffeefromLyla’sshop.
“Hey.”Knoxjerkeduphischin.
“Hey.”Mateohoppedoffhisstoolandroundedthecornerofthecounter,comingtostandbesidehisbrother.
Withadustingofstubbleonhisjaw,MateolookedmorelikeKnoxthanever.Hehadthesamebroadframe,buthehadn’tbuiltupasmuchmuscleyet.
MateoandKnoxsharedalook,thenhenudgedmyelbowwithhis.“How’sitgoing,Memphis?”
“It’sallright.”
“Yeah,”hemuttered.“They’reinroom307.”
“Okay.”Isetthecarseatonthefloorandbenttotouchmyson’snose.“Begood,baby.”
ThesmilehegavemewasalltheincentiveIneededtostanduptomyparents.Theyweren’tgoingtotakethislifefromus.
KnoxpulledmeintohissidewhenIstood.“We’llbehere.”
“Thanks.”
Hebrushedakisstomymouth,thengavemeasurenodasIheadedfortheelevators.Myfootstepsweresteady,acontrasttomyracingheart,asIwalkeddownthehallwayonthethirdfloor.Itookonefortifyingbreathoutsidetheroom,thenraisedmyhandtoknock.
MyfatheransweredthedoorwearinganotherItaliansuit.Ifhewassurprisedtoseeme,hedidn’tletitshowashewavedmeinside.“Memphis.”
“Dad.”
Thiswasoneofthelargerrooms,acornerroomwithenoughspaceforasmalltablebythewindow.Momwasseated,herbackasstiffandstraightasmyown.Exceptitwasn’tdeterminationfuelingherforward.She’dsatstifflyherentirelife,onconstantedgebecauseofmyfather.
Hereyesdraggedovermyhoodieandjeans.Herlipcurled,barely,butIcaughtit.Momhadneverlikedjeans.Shelivedherlifeintailoredslacksandsilkblouses.Today’swerebothamatchingecru.Diamondsdecoratedherears.
“Sit,”Dadordered,takingachairofhisown.
Itgratedonmetoobey,butthere’dbeplentyoftimetofight.IchosetheseatacrossfromhissoIcouldholdhisgazeforthisconversation.
Helookedexactlythesameashehadmonthsago.Blondhairwithwhitestreaksatthetemples.Hazeleyesthatwouldhavebeencolorfulifnotfortheirconstantcoldglare.ThankGodwedidn’tlookalike.MysisterandbrotherbothresembledDad,butI’dtakenmyfeaturesfromMom.
HoustonandRaleighhadn’tbotheredcalling,soIdidn’twastetimeaskingabouttheirwell-being.Theycertainlyhadn’tgivenashitaboutmine.
“Whyhaveyoubeencallingme?”IaskedMom.
HereyesflickedtoDad,guiltcreepingintoherexpression.Maybehedidn’tknowthatshe’dbeendialingmynumbernonstop.
“Ifyoureallywantedtoknow,maybeyoushouldhaveansweredthephone,”Dadclipped.Okay,somaybehedidknowaboutthecalls.
“Whytheprivateinvestigator?”
“Youpackedupyourcarandleft.”MomlookedatmelikeI’doffendedher.LikeI’dspitinherchampagne.
“TherewasnoreasonformetostayinNewYork.”IleveledaglareatDad.“Ihadnojob.Nohome.”
Heleanedbackinhisseat,givingmethatimpassivestarehewassofearedforatWardheadquarters.“Thatwasyourchoice.”
“Wasit?”Iarchedaneyebrow.
“Wewantedtomakesureyouweresafe,”Momsaid,hervoicedroppingtonothingmorethanawhisper.
ShehadwantedtoknowIwassafe.Havingmefollowedmusthavebeenheridea.FromthelookonDad’sface,hecouldn’thavecaredless.
“Ifyouwerereallyworriedaboutmysafety,youwouldhavecometothehospitalwhenIwasinlabor.”
“I’msorryIwasn’tthere.”MomlookedtoDadwithblameetchedonherprettyface.“Thatmanfromyesterday.Whoishe?”
“KnoxEden.Hisfamilyownsthishotel.”
“Oh,is—”
Dadfrowned.OnesingleglareandMomceasedspeakingashewavedheraway.Aflickofthewristthatherquestionswerenothing.
Sheshrankintoherchair.WhileDadhadn’tchangedinmonths,Momseemed…tired.
Thelinesaroundhereyesweremoreprominent,notthatthereweremany.Shehadateamofestheticianswhopamperedherweeklyalongwithaworld-classdermatologistandthehighest-paidplasticsurgeoninNewYorkCitytoensureshedidn’tlookadayoverforty.
UnlikeDad,Momhadn’tcomefrommoney.She’dmarriedintowealth,andbecauseofherprenup,therewaslittleshe’ddotoriskthesix-caratdiamondonherringfinger.She’dfighttimeandagetoothandnailuntiltheendofherdays.
Atonepoint,I’dpitiedMom.Shelovedherlifestyleandithadtrappedhertomyfather’severywhim.Butthatwasbeforeshe’dleftmealone.Beforeshe’dcoweredtohiswilland,assuch,forsakenherchild.Therewasnopityleft.
Shecouldcalleverydayfromnowuntiltheendofherlife.Itwastoodamnlate.
She’dmadeherchoice.
AndI’dmademine.
“Whyareyoureallyhere?”ThatquestionIaimedatmyfather.“I’lltakethetruththistime.Becausethereisnowayyou’dtravelheretorescueyourdaughter.”
“You’retocomehome.OncewearriveinNewYork,wewillhaveamorethoroughdiscussion.”
“Unlessyouplantoputabagovermyheadanddragmeontotheairplane,Iwon’tbeleavingQuincy.”
Dad’sjawclenched.“You’vemadeyourpoint,Memphis.You’vehadyourlittletantrum.Enough.”
“Youthinkthisisatantrum?”Ihuffedadrylaugh.“Thisisn’tmeactingouttogetyourattention.Idon’tneedorwantyouinmylife.”
ImaginingDrakesayingthatstatementtomewouldhavebeenlikeadaggerthroughmychest.
Momflinched.
Daddidn’tsomuchasblink.
“Ifyouwantathoroughdiscussion…”Ithrewhiswordsathim.“We’llbehavingithere.Thisisyourwindowofopportunity.”
Hepursedhislips.
“Fine.”Imadeamovetostandbutheheldupahand.
“Ireceivedacallfromawoman.”
Isettledintomychairasthehairsonthebackofmyneckstoodonend.“Who?”
“Shedidn’tgivemehername.ButsheclaimsthatyouhaveOliverMacKay’schild.”
IttookeverythingIhadnottoreact.Ifeltthecolordrainfrommyface,yetIdidn’tmove.Ibarelybreathed.
“She’sblackmailingus.Eitherwepayhertokeepquietorshe’llbegoingtothepress.You’retocomehomesoIcanensureyoukeepyourmouthshutwhilemylawyerseviscerateher.”
Myheartbeatsohardithurt.Whowasthiswoman?HowcouldsheknowaboutOliver?Unlessthiswasallalie.MaybeMom’sprivateinvestigatorhaddonemorethansimplyfollowmetoMontana.MaybeI’dscrewedupandleftsometracealongtheway.
Dadwasstubbornenoughtointrudeintohisdaughter’spersonallife.
“Here’swhatIdon’tunderstand.”IheldupafingerwhenDadopenedhismouth.“Whydoyouwanttoknowsobadly?Why?”
“Whywon’tyoujusttellmesowecandealwiththismess?IsitOliverMacKay?”
“It’snotyourbusiness.”
“Damnit,Memphis.”Heleanedforward,agrowlinhisvoice.“Youareactinglikeaninsolentchild.”
“Youarenotentitledtocontrolofmylife.”
“Iamyourfather.”
Ishookmyhead.“Youdonotunderstandthemeaningofthatword.”
“Memphis,thisissopetty,”Momsaid.“Yourfatheristryingtohelp.Butweneedalloftheinformation.”
“Thiswoman.Thisblackmailer.Lethergotothepress.”ItwasthelastthingIwantedbutIsuspectedmyfatherfeltthesame.SoI’dcallhisbluff.
AslongasIdidn’tadmitorconfirmthatDrakewasOliver’schild,therewasnothingbutspeculation.ConsideringIwasinMontana,thisdramawouldn’ttouchmeintheslightest.
ButitwoulddefinitelyputadamperonDad’sday.
“OliverMacKay?”Dadseethed.“Really,Memphis?Ithoughtyouweresmarterthanthat.Insteadyou’veactedlikeawhoreandnowI’mcleaningupthismess.”
Momtensedinherchairbutshecertainlydidn’tcometomyrescue.
Awhore.Maybe.Itstung,butitwasn’tthefirsttimehe’dusedhiswordslikeawhip.“Ifyou’reworriedaboutyourreputationandascandal,thenpaythewomanandbedonewithit.Ordon’tpayher.Idon’tcare.ButItoldyoumonthsago,mysonismineandminealone.Youcaneitheracceptthatornot.Itdoesn’tmatter.Wedon’tneedyou.”
“I’llusethemoneyfromyourtrustfund.”
“Areyouherelookingformypermission?Trustme,IrealizedthedayIleftthatthemoneywouldneverbemine.”
“Isittrue?IsitOliver?”Momasked.
Iclampedmymouthshut.
“Memphis.”Dadenunciatedbothsyllablesofmyname.Thatmeanthewasmovingbeyondangrytoinfuriated.“Yourealizethatifthisgetsout,peoplewillbelievewe’relinkedtothatfamily.”
“So?”
Dad’seyesnarrowed.“Wecannotaffordascandalwiththemafia.I’vespentmyliferebuildingourgoodname.”
Hislife’sworkhadbeenspentcorrectinghisownfather’smistakes.
MygrandfatherhadstartedWardHotelsinNewYork.He’dbeenextremelyprofitableinatimewhenotherhotelshadnot.Dadhadneverconfirmedexactlywhy,butwhenIwastwelve,theFBIhadinvestigatedthebusiness.
TheonlyreasonI’dknownaboutitwasbecauseanagenthadcometoourhomeoneday.I’dbeensickandhadn’tgonetoschool.Mynannyhadmademestayinbedallday,butI’dwantedtowatchTV.Sowhileshe’dthoughtIwasnapping,I’dsnuckoutofmyroom.
AnFBIagenthadbeenstandinginourfoyeraskingMomquestions.I’dsatatthetopofthestairsandlistenedtothemall.
Whateverillegalundertakingsmygrandfatherhaddonetogetahead,myfatherhadunraveledthem.NothinghadcomefromthatinvestigationasfarasIknew,andtherewerenoillegalhappeningsatWard,I’dbetmytrustfundonit.
ButourgoodnamehadbecomeDad’sobsession.JusttheideathatI’dtangledwithOliverMacKay,well…
IdoubtedhewouldhaveflowntoMontanahadDrake’sfatherbeenanyotherman.
“Noneofthisinvolvesme.Youhaveplentyoflawyerswhocancontinuetoprotectyourpreciousreputation.Sicyourbloodsuckersonthiswoman,whoeversheis.Idon’tcare.”
“Youwouldturnyourbackonyourfamily?”
“Becareful,Daddy.Yourhypocrisyisshowing.”Istoodfromthechair,donewiththisconversation.“Myfamilyishere.Mysonismyfamily.Youknow,thatlittleboyyoucouldn’tevenlookatyesterday?HisnameisDrake,bytheway.”
Dadstood,pointingafingeratthetable.“We’renotdonetalking.Sitdown.”
“Ididn’tgetthechancetosaygoodbyeafteryouevictedme.SoI’llremedythattoday.Goodbye,Dad.Goodbye,Mom.Safetravelshome.”
Withoutanotherword,Istalkedtothedoor,whippingitopenandstormingdownthehallway.TheelevatoropenedalmostimmediatelyafterIpushedthedownarrowandonceIwassafeinside,Iclosedmyeyesandbreathed.
Iftheystayedtonight,I’dbecleaningtheirroomtomorrow.Humiliationcreptthroughmyveins,andIsqueezedmyeyestighter.
Thiswasjustonemorehurdletocross.They’dleaveandeventuallypeoplewouldforgetthatVictorandBeatriceWardhadaseconddaughter.They’dforgetmetoo.
ThedingoftheelevatorchimedbeforeIwasreadyandthedoorsslidopen.Mateowasatthefrontdesk,hiseyesonhisphone.Whenheheardmyfootstepsonthefloor,heglancedover,readytospeak,butthelookonmyfacemusthavechangedhismind.
HesimplynoddedandletmeescapeintoKnuckles.
Therewasn’tmuchofabreakfastcrowd.Thehotelwasquietthisweekend,butaccordingtoEloise,everyroomwassoldoutforThanksgivingintwoweeks.
Ihadn’tthoughtabouttheholidays.I’dneverspentoneawayfrommyfamily.
Family
Thatworddidn’tholdmuchweightatthemoment.Itranghollowinmymind.
ButIhadDrake.I’dalwayshaveDrake.
Isteppedintothekitchenand,atthesightthatgreetedme,cametoafullstop.
Knoxstoodatthesink,thewaterrunningoverapotato,buthewasn’tpayinganyattentiontothespud.HewaspretendingtosnackonDrake’scheek,earningadroolysmile.
Thetwoofthemtogetherweresotrueandrealthatmyeyesflooded.I’dleftmycomposureonthethirdfloor.ThefirsttearstreakeddownmyfaceasKnoxglancedoverhisshoulder,findingmebythedoor.
Hedroppedthepotatoandsmackedafistonthesinktoshutoffthewater,thenhewalkedoverandpulledmeintohischestwithhisfreearm.“Ishouldhavegonewithyou.”
“No.”Isniffled,reininginthetears.“ItwasbestIwentalone.”
“Aretheyleaving?”
“Idon’tknow.Ihopeso.”
“Memphis,yougottatellmewhat’sgoingon.”
“Iknow.”Ileanedawayandlookedupatmyson.Abeautifulbabyboywithblondhairlikemine.
Andlikehisfather’s.CHAPTERSIXTEENKNOX
Itwasnoonbythetimewemadeithomefromthehotel.I’dcalledandaskedRoxannetocoverformeagain.Sowhilewe’dwaitedforhertocomein,I’dbustedoutsomeprepworkasMemphisandDrakehadwaitedinmyoffice.
Thedrivehomehadfelttoolong,justlikethehoursbefore.AllIwantedtodowasfindoutwhatthehellhadhappenedwithMemphis’sparents,butwhenwefinallywalkedthroughthedoorathome,Drakestartedcrying.
“Hemissedhismorningnap.”Memphisproppedhimononehipwhileshemixedabottlewiththeother.Thenshetookhimtothechair,settlinghimonherlap.
“Areyouhungry?”Iaskedher.
“Notreally.”
Yeah,Iwasn’teither.Mystomachhadbeeninaknotsinceshe’dwalkedintothekitchenwithtearsinhereyes.SoIwenttothecouchandsatonitsedge,proppingmyelbowsonmyknees.Waiting.
DrakefinishedhisbottleinnotimeandthenasMemphisheldhim,hequicklydriftedofftosleep.
“Wantmetotakehimandputhiminthecrib?”Iasked.
“No,I’lljustholdhim.”Shelookeddownathersonandtracedherfingersalonghisforehead,brushingthewispsofhairoutofhisface.“Somedaysitfeelslikehe’sallIhave.”
“Notanymore.”
Memphislookedupandtherewerethosetearsagain.Seeingthemhurteverygoddamntime.“ItoldyoumydadwasangrywhenIrefusedtotellhimaboutDrake’sfather.”
Inodded.“Youdid.”
“He’snotusedtobeingdenied.Idon’tknowifI’veeveractuallyheardanyonetellhimno.Sohisegois…”
“Igetit.”I’dworkedforchefslikethatearlyoninmycareer.They’dgetspunupaboutsomethingtrivialandgoballistic,simplybecausetheirarrogancemadeitso.
“WhenIrefusedtotellDad,hepressedandpressed.Themorehedemandedanswers,thelessIspoke.It’sironicbecauseinthethickofit,hecalledmestubborn.IguessIlearneditfromhim.”
“He’sanass,Memphis.”
“Prettymuch.”Shesighed.“Hecouldhavejustrespectedmywishes.I’dstillbeinNewYorkifhehadtrustedme.IfhehadlistenedwhenIsaidIhadmyreasonsforkeepingthesecret.Instead,wegotintoahugefightandwell…youknowtherest.”
Therestmeaningshe’dfledhome,movingacrossthecountryalonewithaninfant.BecauseVictorWardcouldn’tcontrolhisdaughter.
MemphisglancedatDrakeoncemore,hereyessoftening.“Drake’sfatherisn’tagoodman.”
Isatstraight.“Didhehurtyou?”
“Onlymyheart,”shewhispered.
Andforthat,I’dhatethebastardfortherestofmydays.
“Drake’sfatherisamannamedOliverMacKay.”Shemetmygazeashershouldersslumped.“Noonebutyouhaseverheardthatsentence.”
“Noone?”Notevenhermother?Orafriend?
“Justyou.”Sheswallowedhard.“AndIknowyouwon’t,butIhavetosayitanyway.Please,nevertellasoul.Noonecanknow.”
Noonecouldknow?“Why?You’rescaringme,Memphis.Ifyou’reindanger—”
“I’mnot.OliverwantsnothingtodowithmejustasmuchasIwantnothingtodowithhim.”
“Thenwhyisthisasecret?”
Shedroppedherchin.“BecausehiswifeisthedaughterofanItalianmafiaboss.”
Ifmybraincouldhaveexploded,itwouldhave.What.The.Fuck?
Theroomwentstill.Thelightoutsideseemedtodim,likethesunwascoveredinacloud.AndMemphissatperfectlystill,herconfessionringingintheairassheclutchedherbabyboy.
“Idon’t…”Idraggedahandovermybeard,scramblingforsomethingtosay.
Fuck.Themob?Ididn’tknowadamnthingaboutthemafiaotherthanwhatI’dseeninmoviesandtelevision.Hollywoodembellished,butIwassuretherewasathreadoftruth.
“Isthatwhyyoumovedhere?”Iasked.“Toescapethecity?”
“No.Icouldhavestayed,rentedanapartmentandfoundajobinNewYork,butthecityhadlostitsappeal.Mostlybecauseofmyfamily.PuttingthousandsofmilesbetweenmeandOliverwasjustabonus.ImovedherebecauseMontanasoundedlikeadream.IwantedDraketohavespacetobreathe.Toroamandplay.AhomewheretheWardnamemeantnothingandnoonewouldattempttocontrolhislifebyholdingatrustfundoverhishead.”
“Makessense.”IfIhadherfamily,Iprobablywouldhavesplitforthecountrysidetoo.ExceptIdidn’tknowifIwouldhavewalkedfromthatkindofmoney.
I’dthoughtitthefirsttimeshe’dtoldme,butGod,shewasstrong.Notmanypeoplewouldhavewalkedawayfrommillions.IfDrakeeverdoubtedherloveforhim,I’dbetheretosethimstraight.
“Oliver…”Shemadeasourface.“Whenwemet,Ididn’tknowwhohewas.Ihadn’theardhisnamebefore.It’snotlikehe’severinthenews.AndthereareplentyofrichmeninNewYork.”
Itensed,myshouldersstiffening.Thiswasnevergoingtobeeasytohear.Ididn’tliketheideaofherwithanyotherman,butespeciallytheonewho’dhelpedhermakeDrake.
Partofmewouldbejealousofthatsonofabitchallmylife.
“WemetinahotelinMiami,”shesaid.“Inthebar.Iwasthereforwork.Sowashe.Wehititoffandspenttheweekendtogether.Neitherofussharedalotofpersonaldetails.Itwasn’tthattypeofweekend.”
MyskincrawledbutIsatquietlyandlistened,myteethgrindingtogether.
“Itwasn’tuntiltheendoftheweekendthatwerealizedwewerebothfromNewYork.Heaskedifhecouldseemeagain.I’dhadfun,soofcourseIsaidyes.Oliverisolder,inhisearlyforties.He’scharismatic.Handsome.Wealthy.Powerful.Beingaroundhimwas…addicting.AndIwasaspoiled,stupidfool.”
Therewassomuchguiltinhervoice.Somuchshame.Itweighedonherslightshouldersanddimmedthelightinhereyes.
“Westarteddating,ifyoucouldevencallitdating.Wespentmostofourtimeatmytownhouse.SomeathisUpperEastSideapartment.Hewasanentrepreneur.Iworkedconstantly.Buthewasmyescape.AndIlovedhim.Or…IthoughtIlovedhim.”Herforeheadfurrowed.“Canyoulovesomeonewhentheykeepyouinabubble?”
“No,probablynot.”I’dthoughtIlovedGianna.Wouldhaveswornitinblood.Exceptwhatwe’dhadwasn’tlove.Notevenclose.
“Hedidn’tsharemanypersonaldetails.NeitherdidI.Communicationwasnottheleadingladyinourrelationship.Heaskedmeearlyonifwecouldkeepourrelationshiptoourselves,justtoseewhereitwasgoingbeforeitbecamepublic.ThatwasfinebymebecauseIwashappytokeephimtomyself.Butafterthreemonths,Iwantedmore.Iwantedtotellmyfriends.Iwantedtoshowhimoff.SoIaskedhimifhewouldaccompanymetoaparty.Itwasthisfancy,audaciousfunctionbutIusedtolovefancyandaudacious.”
“Really?”Thatdidn’tseemlikeheratall.
“Alothaschanged.”SheliftedashoulderandnoddedatDrake.“Thatversionofmediedthedayhewasborn.”
“Ormaybeyoufoundwhoyou’dalwaysbeenmeanttobe.”
Shegavemeasadsmile.“Maybe.”
“Whathappenedattheparty?”
“Idon’tknow.Wedidn’tgo.Iaskedhimtobemydateandhetoldmethathecouldn’tgobecausehiswifewouldbethere.Hesaiditlikeitwasobvious.ThatIshouldhaveknownIwasjusthismistress.”
“Youhadnoidea.”
Moreguiltandmoreshamecloudedherface.“No.MaybeIshouldhave.Buttheoldversionofmelikedthebubble.”
“Youtrustedhim.”
“Amistake.”
“Notyours,honey.”Thatmotherfuckerhaddeceivedherintentionally.
“Ibrokeitoff.Calledhimalotofnamesandtoldhimtoforgetmine.Thenafewweekslater,Iwasn’tfeelingwell.Imissedmyperiodand…”
“Youfoundoutyouwerepregnant.”
ShetouchedDrake’scheek.“Iwaslaxwithmybirthcontrol.Irresponsibilitywasanotherflawoftheformerme.I’dmissadayonmypill.I’dspendthenightathisplaceandheadstraightintowork,doublingupthenextmorning.Basically,Iwasafuckingidiot.ButIdon’tregretit.”
“Youshouldn’t.”Thatlittleboywasamiracle.
Fromthesoundsofit,he’dtransformedMemphis’slife.Itwasnearlyimpossibletolookatherandimaginethewomanshewasdescribing.Shewasprobablyjustbeingtoohardonherself.ButIdidn’tdoubtthatshe’dchanged.
“Thewholetruthcameoutafterthat.Thatapartmentofhiswasn’thishome.Itwasjustwherehe’dhiddenhissecretwhore.”Herchinquivered.“Mydadcalledmeawhoretoday.”
“Whatthefuck?”God,IwishedIhadpunchedthatassholeinthefaceyesterday.Ishouldn’thavelethergoandtalktothemalone.
Memphisshrugged,hereyesavoidingmine.
“Lookatme.”Iwaiteduntilsheliftedherchin.“Fuckhimforsayingthat.”
“Yeah,”shemumbled.“Still…GooglewouldhavetoldmeexactlywhoOliverwas.Ilookedhimupthedayhetoldmehewasmarried.Theinternetwasveryinformative.Thatwasthesecond-worstdayofmylife.ThedayIrealizedjusthowgullibleandshallowIwas.”
“Thisisnotyourfault.Trustingsomeoneyoucareaboutisnotwrong.”
Shemetmygaze,hereyessoftening.We’dbothbeenfooledbytheoneswe’dloved.I’dtrustedGiannatoo.
Thedistancebetweenuswastoomuch,soIstoodandskirtedthecoffeetable,holdingoutahandtohelphertoherfeet.ThenItookDrakefromherarms,keepingholdasIpulledhertotheguestbedroom.
Beforelong,we’dgetarealcrib.We’dhaulthisbedoutofhereandmakeitanursery.Drakeneededhisownroom.
IlaidDrakeinhiscrib,thenpulledMemphistothemattress,curlingherintomychest.“Whathappenedwhenyoutoldhimyouwerepregnant?”
“Bythatpoint,I’dlearnedwhohiswifewasandthespeculationaboutherfamily.Itscaredthehelloutofme.Iwasafraidthatshe’dfindoutabouttheaffair,aboutthebaby,anddecidetocomeafterus.Iwasn’tgoingtotellOliveratall,butheshowedupatmyhouseoneday.”
“Didhewantyouback?”
“No,hewantedmysilence.Hethrewinafewthreatsabouthiswifeandhowshewasoftenjealous.Howshewasconnectedtoadangerousfamilyanditwouldbeashametohavetroubleformyownfamily’sbusiness.Itwasallverypracticed,amessagehe’dobviouslydeliveredbefore.Heofferedmefiftythousanddollarstokeepouraffairquiet.”
Ileanedback,meetinghereyes.“Butyoudidn’ttakeit,didyou?”
Sheshookherhead.“Ididn’twanthismoney.AllIwantedwashisagreement.Thatmychildwasmineandminealone.I’dstayquietifhesignedoverallrights.”
Fromthebeginning,she’dfoughtforDrake.“That’smygirl.”
Asmiletuggedathermouth.“Ialmostdidn’ttellhimaboutthebaby.Ialmostkeptitquiet.ButIdidn’twanttolookovermyshouldermyentirelife,wonderingifhe’dfindout.Wonderingifhe’dwantDrake.ItwasmywindowtonegotiateandItookit.”
“Sohe’sgone.”
“He’sgone,”shewhispered.“AndunlessIneedthatman’skidneyorliveroranyotherorgantosaveDrake’slife,Iwillneverspeakofhimagain.Oneday,I’msureDrakewillask.Butthat’saworryfortomorrow.Idon’twanthimanywherenearOliver’slife.”
“Good.”Iblewoutadeepbreathandpulledhercloser.Itwasbetterthisway.AndifDrakeeverneededakidneyoraliveroranyotherorgan,hecouldhavemine,assumingtheywereamatch.
“Notgood.”Shepulledaway,floppingontoherbacktostareattheceiling.“Someoneknows.”
“What?”Istiffened.“Who?”
“Idon’tknow.Butthat’sthereasonmyparentsarehere.AwomanisblackmailingDad.Shesaidshe’dgotothepressandsayIhadOliver’sbaby.”
“Fuck.”
“Prettymuch.”Sherubbedathertemples.“Iwasafraidtoasktoomanyquestionstoday.MomandDadsuspectOliver,butIwasn’tgoingtoconfirmit.There’sawholeconvolutedhistorythere.It’srumoredthatmygrandfatherhadsomemafiatieswhenhestartedWardHotels.Ifit’strue,Dadseveredthosedecadesago.Butithashimspooked.”
“Shit,”Imuttered.“Whathappensifthiswomangoestothepress?”
“I’lldenyit.Oliverwilldenyit.Butspeculationwillrunrampant.Andhiswifewillnodoubtsuspectwehadanaffair.”
“That’sherproblem.WhataboutDrake?Whatkindofagreementdidyoumake?”
“Ihaveasigneddocumentstatinghe’swaivedallparentalrights.But…it’snotnotarized.It’snotfiled.I’mbankingonthefactthathe’llneverchangehismind.Ifhedoes…”
“Ifhedoes,he’llhaveonefuckingfightonhishands.He’snotgettingDrake.”
“He’snotgettingDrake,”sherepeated.
“Whataboutyourparents?Whataretheygoingtodo?”
“Ihavenoidea.”Shegroaned.“I’msurethistripwasnotwhatDadplanned.Heprobablyexpectedtocomehere,findmepoorandmiserableandgratefultobeflownbacktoNewYorkintheirprivatejet.Instead,Itoldthemtoshoveit.”
Whenshestuckouthertongue,Ichuckled.“Youdidtherightthing,stayingquiet.”
“Ihopeso.”Shesighed.“MydadknowsofOliverandhisconnections.Healsoknowsthatanytietothemwoulddamagehisreputation.That’stheonlychildheactuallycaresabout.Hispreciousreputation.Bestcasescenario,hepaysthewomantostayquiet.He’llprobablyusethemoneyfrommytrustfund.”
“Worstcase,thisblowsthefuckup.”
“Yep.”Sheputherpalmstohereyes.“Whatagoddamnmess.”
“Whodoyouthinkthiswomanis?Didyourdadtellyou?”
“Hedoesn’tknow.”Shesatup,scootingtotheendofthebedtolookatDrake.“Maybeit’sanemployee.Oranothermistress.”
Thesonofabitchhadprobablybeenwithotherwomenwhilehe’dbeenwithMemphis.He’dhadatreasure,apure-goldtreasure,andratherthancherishher,he’dusedherforhisowngreed.
Hisloss.Mygain.
“Doyouthinkthewomanwhocontactedyourdadcouldbehiswife?”Iasked.
“Maybe.”Sheshrugged.“Thoughwhywouldhiswifeneedtoblackmailmyfamilyformoney?She’sgotplenty.ShecouldjustdivorceOliver’sassandtakehismoneytoo.”
“Unlesshe’sgotaprenup.”Iclimbedoffthebed.Or,ifthemafiawasasruthlessasIsuspectedtheywere,she’dgetherfamilyinvolvedandinherithisassetsuponhisuntimelydeath.
“There’smore.Somethinghappened,rightbeforeIleft,”shesaid.“Iwasinthemiddleofpacking,loadinguptheVolvo.Icameoutofmytownhousecarryingaboxandtherewasawomanwaiting.AnFBIagent.”
Mystomachdropped.“IstheFBIinvestigatingOliver?”
“Idon’tknow.Probably.SheshowedmeherbadgeandaskedifIknewOliverMacKay.Isaid,‘Who?’andexcusedmyselftogocheckonDrake.Iwatchedfromthewindowasshewalkedaway.ThenextdayIwasontheroad.”
Irubbedmyjaw.“AnFBIagentwouldn’tblackmailyourparentsformoney.”
“No.It’sgottobesomeoneclosetoOliver.Someonehepissedoff.Andsomeonewhoknowsmyfamilyhasmoney.”Memphiswrappedherarmsaroundherwaist.“Whywon’tthisgoaway?Ijustwantittoend.”
Isatbesideher,pullingherintomyarms.“Itwillend.”
“How?”
“Idon’tknow,honey.”
“MaybeIshouldjustgobacktoNewYork.Findoutwhothiswomanis.Payher—”
“No.It’snotanoption,Memphis.”
Shelookedupatme,thosebrowneyesfullofapology.“Inevermeanttodragyouintoallofthis.”
“Youdidn’tdragmeanywhere.Icamewillingly.Outmyfrontdoor,upastaircaseandintoyourloft,remember?”
Memphisgavemeasadsmile.“Knox,Ican’tputthisonyou.”
“You’veneverbeenabletocountonanyone,haveyou?”
Sheblinked,liketherealityofherlifehadjusthitherintheface.
“Youweresoalonethatyouleft.Becauseyouhadnoone.Butyou’vegotmenow.AndlikeItoldyoutheothernight,I’mnotgoinganywhere.”MaybeifItoldherenough,she’dbelieveit.
“Promise?”
Idroppedakisstohermouth.“Iswearit.”CHAPTERSEVENTEENMEMPHIS
EloisewascheckinginguestsasIapproachedthefrontdesksoIhoveredback,waitinguntiltheyhadtheirkeycardsandpassedmefortheelevators.SheploppedintoherseatandtuckedastrayhairbehindherearasIwalkedover.“Phew.It’sbeennonstoptoday.”
“Youweren’tkiddingabouttheholidayrush.”
Overtheweekend,nearlyeveryroominthehotelhadbeenfilled.Thelastoftheguestshadarrivedtoday.WewerefullybookedfortheentireweekwithvisitorsintownforThanksgiving.
I’dbeentidyingoccupiedroomsalltoday,replacingtowelsandbeddingandstraighteningup.Thehallwayshadbeenvacuumed,theelevatorcleaned.I’djustfinishedmoppingthebreakroom.Anythingtokeepbusy.Franticworkandamaddeningpacehadbeenagodsend.Ithadallowedmetochannelmynervousenergyandkeepmymindoffoftheunknowns
MyparentshadcheckedoutofTheEloiselastweek—notlongafterourdiscussion,accordingtoMateo.They’dprobablyleftwhilewe’dbeeninKnuckles.Ihadn’theardfromthemsince.
Monthsandmonthsofmymother’sconstantcalls.Nownothingbutsilence.Maybesherealizedjusthowbadlyshe’dhurtme.MaybeDadhadtoldhertostopcalling.Maybeshe’dgivenup.
IwishedImissedmymother.IwishedIcouldsaythatI’dmissedtheregularringingofmyphone.Butitwasarelief.Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchpainhadcomewitheachofhercalls,thebitternessthey’dbroughttoeachday.
Someday,myheartwouldn’tbesobruised.Someday,hopefully,thesefeelingstowardherwouldsoften.Someday,Imightpickupthephoneandcallherforachange.
Justnottoday.
“Areyoutakingoff?”Eloiseasked,glancingattheclock.
“Unlessyouneedmetodoanythingelse.”Itwasjustafterfive.Drakehadtobepickedupbeforesix,butIhadtimeifsheneededmetodeliverslippersorchampagnetoaroom.
“No,you’vebeenworkingyourtailoffthisweek.HaveItoldyouhowmuchIappreciateyou?BecauseIdo.”
“Thankyou.”Mychestswelledwithpride.WhenI’dworkedforWardHotels,ithadbeenraretoreceiveacompliment.Frommyboss.Frommyfather.Dadsetthetonefortheofficeandfriendlinesswasadistantpriorityoveraccomplishment.
ButQuincywasawelcomingplace.Peoplesmiledasyoupassedthemonthesidewalkandsaidhello.Neighborswatchedoutforneighbors.Strangersboughtstrangersacupofcoffeesimplytobekind.
“Seeyoutomorrow.”IwavedatEloise,thenhurriedtothebreakroomtoclockout.Withmycoatonandmypurseslungoverashoulder,IheadedforKnuckles.
KnoxandIhadn’tseeneachothersinceI’dleftforworkthismorning.We’dbothbeenswampedwiththeinfluxofguests,andtodayhe’dstartedprepfortheThanksgivingfeasthe’dbeservingonThursday.
Buteventhoughwe’dgonethewholedayapart,therewascomfortinknowingthathewasalwayscloseby.IfIneededhim,hewasthere.
Therestaurant’stableswereset,afewalreadyoccupied.ThekitchenwasbustlingwhenIpushedopentheswingingdoor.Skipwasatthepreptable,mixingabowlofcornpastasalad.RoxannewasstandingbesideKnox,reviewingamenucard.EveryonelookedmywaywhenIsteppedinside.
“Ijustwantedtosayhi.”Iwavedtotheroom.“I’mheadingout.”
“Oneminute.”Knoxheldupafinger.“Don’tleaveyet.”
“Okay.”IshiftedoutofthewaysoIwouldn’tgetbumpedifawaitresscamethroughthedoor.
“How’sitgoing,Memphis?”Skipasked.
“Busyday.You?”
“Same.”Hetappedthehandleofhiswoodenspoononthesideofthebowl,thentookittothedishwasher.LikeKnoxandRoxanne,hewaswearingawhitechef’scoatandtodayhewasinapairofloosecottonpantswithacheetahprint.
“Newpants,Skip?”Normallyheworejeans.Thewild,boldandbaggypantshadalwaysbeenRoxanne’sforte.
“Prettysnazzy,huh.”Hedidalittletwo-stepshuffle,dancingmyway.“RoxannetoldmeIcouldn’tpulloffherstyle.”
“Becausehecan’t.”Sheshimmiedoverinherpinkcamopants.Thebrightcolormatchedthestreaksthatranthroughherblondhair.
Skipscoffedandstruckapose.“Cantoo.”
Theeasybanterbetweentherestaurantstaffalwaysmademesmile.Theyteasedeachother.TheyteasedKnox.Butbeneaththelaughterandthejests,therewasmutualrespect.
Knoxpraisedhisstaffregularly.Hegavethemadviceandtaughtthemnewtechniques.Andinreturn,theyadoredhim.
Iadoredhim.Moreandmoreeachday.
“Allgood,guys?”Knoxasked,unbuttoninghiscoat.
“Yep.”Skipgavehimamocksalute.
Roxannenodded.“Allgood.Getoutofhere.”
“You’renotworkingtonight?”Iasked.
Heansweredbydisappearingtohisoffice,returningamomentlaterwithhisCarharttcoatandtruck’skeys.“There’sastormblowingin.Idon’twantyoudrivingalone.”
“Okay.”
Hisprotectivenesswassecondnature.Hewasamanwhotookcharge.Butunlikemydad’sbarkedordersandinabilitytocompromise,Knoxdiditwithcare,notcontrol.Likethewayhe’dmovedusintohishouse.Hehadn’tasked.He’dsimplyfilledmylaundrybasket,onetripatatime,untilallthatremainedintheloftweremyemptysuitcases.IfI’dbalked,hewouldhavetakeneverythingback.
“Hi.”Hestoppedbesidemeanddroppedakisstomyforehead.“Howwasyourday?”
“Hi.Good.”
“Youdidn’tcomeseemeonabreak.”
“BecauseIdidn’ttakeabreak.”
Hefrownedandputhishandonmylowerback,steeringmeoutofthekitchen.Amanatatablealongthewallwaved.Knoxjerkeduphischinbutdidn’tstopwalking.“Anythingfromyourparentstoday?”
“Notaword.”
“Damn.”
“Prettymuch,”Imuttered.Webothwantedthisoverwith.
Aftermyconfessionlastweek,KnoxandIhadspenthourstalking.SharingaboutOliver,spillingthatsecret,hadliftedaweightfrommyshoulders.Knoxhadsteppedinandaproblemthathadbeenminewasnowours.
I’dneverbeeninarelationshipofoursbefore.Notevenwithmyparents.
KnoxandIhaddecidedthattheonlythingtodoaboutmyparentsandthisblackmailerwaswait.Nothinggoodwouldcomefrommegettingintothemiddleofthesituation.Ifanything,itwouldonlyilluminatethetruth.
Thiswoman,whoevershewas,hadnoproofthatOliverwasDrake’sbiologicalfather.Ouraffairhadbeensecret—Oliverhadmadesureofthat,evenifIhadn’trealizeditatthetime.Shewaslikelyactingonahunch,soI’dkeepmysonandhisDNAfar,farawayfromthecity.
Ifmyfatherdecidednottopayheroff,thenlifewouldgetcomplicated.ButIwascountingonDad’sfirstlove:hisimage.
Hisreputationhadalwaysbeenhispriority.Itwasthereasonhishotelswerelabeledboutiquehotels.HewantedtheWardnametobeknownforextravaganceandexclusivity.
“We’lldeal.”Knoxtookmyhand.“Whateverhappens,we’lldeal.Together.”
Together.Istaredupathishandsomeprofileandletthatwordrollthroughmymind.
Wasthistoogoodtobetrue?Myheartcouldn’ttakeitifthisfelltopieces.Becausedaybyday,nightbynight,IwasfallingforKnox.
MaybeIalreadyhad.
Wouldhewakeuptomorrowmorningandrealizehecouldhavesomuchmorethanme?WouldheresentthedramaI’dbroughttohislife?
“What?”Knoxnudgedmyarm.
“Nothing.”Iclutchedhishandtighter,thenletitgoaswesteppedoutside.
Ablastofsnowhitmeintheface.Igaspedatthecoldwind,burrowingdeeperintomycoat,thenhurriedtomycar.
“Getin.I’llclearthewindow.”Heopenedmydoorforme,andasIturnedontheengine,heusedhissleevetowipethewindshield.
Icrankedtheheatwhileheclearedhistruck,thenIledthewayacrosstowntothedaycare.Windwhippedsnowflakesthroughtheair.ItwassothickIcouldn’tseefartherthanablockahead.MyknuckleswereaswhiteastheskybythetimeIeasedintothedaycare’sparkinglot.
Knoxparkedbesideme,waitingasIrushedinsidetocollectmyson.
IwasjustdownthehallwaywhenJill’svoicecaughtmyear.“She’sshackedupwithhimalready.”
Myfootstepsslowed,myhandsfistingatmysides.Notagain.
Nothingmuchhadchangedwithdaycare.Jillstillirritatedthehelloutofme,butsheworshipedDrake.SoeventhoughIhadtotearhimfromherarmseveryevening,Iforcedfakesmileswithgrittedteeth.
ThiswasthefirsttimeinweeksthatI’doverheardhergossip.Probablybecauseshewasusuallyaloneinthenursery.
Iquickenedmysteps,makingittothedoorway.“Hi.”
Bothwomen’seyeswentwide.Guiltcreptintotheirexpressions.Yep,they’dbeentalkingaboutme.Bitches
“Oh,hi.”JillhadDrakeonahip,nosurprise.Shewasalwayscarryinghim
“Didhehaveagoodday?”Iasked,hurryingtocollecthisthings.
“Yes,hewasperfect.”Shekissedhischeek.“Weren’tyou?You’realwaysperfect.Buthedidn’ttakeanafternoonnap.Sowejustcuddled.”
Meaningshehadn’tlaidhimdownsothathecouldtakehisafternoonnap.MeaningI’dhavetoputhimtobedearlyandmissmytimewithhim.MymolarsbegantheirdailygrindasIwenttotakehimfromherarms.“Hi,baby.”
Hesawmyoutstretchedhandsandinstantlybegantofuss.
Iamsofuckingsickofthis.Whatthehell?DidshefeedhimsugarandtellhimIwasthedevilallday?He’dbefineintenminutes,butitwaslikeshebrainwashedmybabyeveryday.
“It’sokay.”Jillbouncedhim.Butshedidn’thandhimover.“Justoneittybittysleepandthenyou’llbeback.I’llseeyouinnotimeatall.”
Iforcedasmileandtookhimoutofherhands.Afteraquickkissonhischeek,erasingtheoneshe’dleft,Iputhimstraightintohiscarseat.Thenthecryingstarted.
Hejusthatedhiscarseat.Thatwaspartofthereasonforthedailytheatrics,right?MaybethatdrivefromNewYorkhadturnedhimagainstthisseatforlife.
“Oh,Drakey,”Jillcrooned.“Iknow.Idon’tlikeiteither.”
Ihateher.Ihateher.Ihateher.
Themomenthewasclickedintotheharness,Ileftthenursery,notbotheringwithagoodbye.
Drakecriedtheentirewalktothedoor,andwhenwesteppedoutsideintothesnow,hejustgotangrier.TearsfloodedmyeyesasIhustledhimintotheVolvo.ThenIwasbehindthewheel,reversingaway.
Oneblockaway,IglancedintherearviewtoseeKnox’struckclosebehind.Inthedisasterthatwasdailydaycarepickup,I’dforgottenhe’dbeenfollowingmehome.Butastheroadsturnedicyandtheblizzardseemedtointensifyonthehighway,IwasgladtohavehisheadlightseachtimeIlookedinmymirrors.
Thewindrattledthecar’swindows.ThenoisedidlittletoimproveDrake’smoodandhecontinuedtocry.WhenIfinallyreachedtheturnouttoJuniperHill,Ibreathed.Almosthome.
Exceptitwasn’tmyhome,wasit?ItwasKnox’shome.
I’dcomeallthiswaytostartanewlife.I’dmovedacrossthecountry.Andjustovertwomonthslater,IwaslivingunderaroofIdidnotown.TostealJill’swords,Iwasshackedup
WhathappenedifKnoxdecidedweweretoomuchofaburden?Thathewantedhissingle,easylifeback?
Everydoubt,everyinsecurity,plaguedmeonthedrivehome.Everyday.MynervesshooklikethetreesinthewindasIdrovedownthegravelroad.ThehousecameintoviewandIhitthebuttonforthegarage,easinginside.IhadDrakeoutandthehandleofhisseatovermyarmasKnoxparkedinhisownspace.
“What’swrongwithDrake?”heasked,steppingoutofhistruck.
“Nothing.”Iwaveditoff.
Heknewitwasalie,buthestayedquiet,leadingthewaytohishouseandclosingthedoorwhenwewereallinside.“We’readdingontothehouse.”
“Huh?”
“Idon’tlikehavingtohaulhimthroughthesnowtogetinside.”HebentandunbuckledDrake,liftinghimout.OnlywhenhewasinKnox’sarmsdidthecryingstop.
Ofcoursehestoppedcrying.Hewaswithhissecond-favoriteperson.
Iwasareluctantthird.
“Memphis.”
“Knox.”Iwalkedpasthim,takingthecarseatandDrake’sdaycarebagtotheguestbedroom.
Mysolitudewasshortlived.Knox’sfootstepscameintotheroom.“Youwalkedoutofthatdaycareonthevergeoftears.”
“Yeah,well…”Isetthebagdownandpulledoutthedirtybottles.HeavenforbidJillactuallyrinsethemoutforme.“That’snormal.”
“Whyisthatnormal?”
“BecauseJill,mydaycarelady,lovesDrake.”Ithrewupmyhands.“Sheloveshim.Shespoilshim.Andanyothermotherwouldjustbehappythatherbabyislovedandspoiled,butithurtsme.Ithurtsmethathe’dratherstaywithherthancomehomewithme.Andithurtsmethatwedon’treallyhaveahometocomehometo.Thisisyourhome.Ihavenohome.Andmyonlyfamilymemberisalittleboywho—”
“Lovesyou.”KnoxsteppedforwardandhandedmeDrake,squashingtherestofmyramblingoutburst.Thenhewrappedhisarmsaroundusboth.“Helovesyou.Becauseyou’reagoodmother.”
Ilookedatmyson,who’dstoppedcryingandwasbusyfistingahandfulofmyhair.Hisbrowneyesweresobigandexpressive.Hisfacesotinyandperfect.“Heismyentireworld.Ijustwantedtobehis.”
“Youare,honey.”
ImetKnox’sbluegaze.“AmI?”
“WouldIlietoyou?”
No.Thefrustrationseepedfrommybones.“Whathappenedtome?Iusedtobesoconfident.NowIquestioneverything.Idoubtmyselfconstantly.AndIhateit.”
“Hey.”HepulledmecloseandIburrowedintohischest,dragginginhisspicyscent.HisarmsandthatsmellhadbeentheonlyreasonsI’dsleptthisweek.He’dheldmeeverynight,ourlimbstwined,ourbodiesnaked,untilI’dshutdownthefearsanduncertaintytorest.
“Whydoyouwantme?”Iwhispered.“I’mamess.”
“Comewithme.”Heletmegoandclaspedmyhand,leadingustothekitchen.Thenhedraggedastooloutfromtheislandandpattedtheseat.“HoldDrake.”
Itookmysonandproppedhimonaknee,bouncinghimgently.
Ontheweekends,itwaseasiertoputhimdown.Tolethimchillonhisplaymat.Weekdays,afterhe’dspenteightorninehoursinJill’sarms,itwasharderformetoletgo.SoIheldhimandwebothwatchedKnoxroundtheislandandpullfoodfromthefridgeandpantry.
Heopenedapackageofbaconandsetitinafryingpan,thefatmeltingandpoppingasitsplattered.Hetookoutacontainerofflour,dumpingascoopdirectlyontothecounter.Thenhemadeawell,crackingthreeeggsintothewhitepowderbeforesprinklingitallwithsalt.
Heworkedtheflourandeggsintoadough,hisfingersmessyashekneadeditfromastickymesstothisperfect,smoothball.Thenhewenttoworkwithaknife,choppingthecrispybaconandthenparsleybeforegratingcheese.
Hekeptonworkinguntilhehadfilledtwobowlswithpastacarbonara,andwhenhesetmineinfrontofme,hesimplykissedmytempleandhandedmeafork.
DrakebegantosquirmhalfwaythroughdinnersoIexcusedmyselfandescapedtothebathroomtogivehimalongbath.ThenIsatwithhimontheguestbedandfedhimhisbottle.Hefellasleepalmostinstantly.
KnoxwasexactlywhereI’dlefthim,seatedattheisland,scrollingthroughhisphone.Surroundedbyamess.Whenheheardme,thephonewasputaside.“Heasleep?”
“Yeah.”Ireachedformybowlbuthetookitfrommyhands,puttingitexactlywhereithadbeen.
Whenhestood,hisfacewasunreadable,hisexpressionclosed.“Didyoulikedinner?”
“Itwasamazing.”Everythinghemadewasamazing.
“Good.Nowlookaround.”
Thekitchenwasadisaster.Hehadgreasesplattersonhisshirt,andflourdustedhisjeans.Thecountersandstovewouldneedathoroughscrubbing.Thefloorswouldneedtobemoppedandthedishwasherrun.
“Thecraziestdaysinthekitchenendwithfoodoneverysurface.ThosearethedayswhenIwalkoutthedoorsoexhaustedIcanbarelykeepmyeyesopenonthedrivehome.Passioncomesfromthemess,Memphis.”Hethreadedhishandsintomyhair.“Sodoeseverythinglasting.”
Myframesagged.“Youdeserve—”
“You.”
“Iwasgoingtosaybetter.”
“No.Ideserveyou.BecauseIwantyou.Anddamnit,Iearnedyou.AlltheshitIwentthrough.Thehellyouendured.Whofuckingcaresifit’smessy?”Heflickedawristaroundtheroom.“It’sexactlythewayitshouldbe.”
“But—”
“Goddamnit,Memphis.Stoparguingwithme.”Inaflashhepickedmeupandsetmeontheisland.Aforkwentsailing,clatteringtothefloor.Thenhesteppedinbetweenmylegs,holdingmygaze,ournosestouching.“Letmemakethisclear.Youaremine.Drakeismine.Forallofyourtodaysandeachofyourtomorrows.Mine.Doyounotwantme?”
“OfcourseIwantyou.”
“Thenfuckingkissme.”
Iputmyhandstohisfacebutasheleanedin,Ipushedhimback.BecauseIhadsomethingtosaytoo.“I’mscared.”
“Noshit.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Igoalittlecrazy.”
“Sowhat?”Heleanedinagain,thistimemoreinsistent.“Gocrazy.Bescared.Youwon’tchasemeaway.”
Therewasadareinhisvoice.LikeheknewIwantedtodoubthimsohedaredmetotry.Hedaredmetopushbecausehewouldn’twalkaway.
“You’reminetoo,”Iwhispered.
“Iknow.”HeleanedinandthistimeIlethimcapturemylips.HestrokedhistongueacrossmylowerlipandwhenIopenedforhim,hedelvedinside,nothesitatingforamomentashesweptmeintohisarmsandcarriedmedownthehallwaytothebedroom.
Thejeansandlong-sleevedteeI’dwornwerestrippedoffinstantly,leavingmeinnothingbutablackbraandpanties.Ifreedthebuttononhisjeansashereachedbehindhisneckandyankedhisshirtoverhishead.
Myhandsroamedoverthestrongmusclesofhischest,fallingtotherippledstomachandthecutlinesaroundhiships.Beyondthewindows,thesnowstormraged.Here,us,together,wewereablaze.
Knoxbandedanarmaroundmybackashistongueandlipsdevouredme,neverbreakingfreeashekeptmepinnedagainsthiswarmskin.Withhisotherhand,hedelvedbeneathmypanties,hislongfingersfindingmycenter.
Hestrokedthroughmywetfolds,torturingmewithhistouch.
IgaspedagainsthismouthasIbegantotremble.Hetoyedwithme,plungingafingerinsideasherubbedmyclit.Myhipsrockedagainsthishand,matchinghisrhythm.
“Knox,”Iwhimpered.
“Comeonmyfingers.Thenyoucanhavemycock.”Hedippedhislipstomyneck,latchedonandsuckedashepumpedhisfingersinandout,strokingmyinnerwallsuntilIwaspanting.
Iliftedaleg,hookingitaroundhiship,asmyarmsloopedaroundhisneckandIheldon,ridinghishandashefingerfuckedme.StarsexplodedbehindmyvisionandIcameonacry,aburstofpleasuresopureIcouldn’tdoanythingbutfeel.
“Fuck,butthatishot.”Henibbledonmyearlobeastheaftershocksrangthroughmylimbs.Thenheunwrappedmefromhisbodyandlaidmeonthebed,strippingoffmypantiesandbra.
Hepoppedhisfingerintohismouth,hummingatmytaste,thenhepushedmylegsapartsoIwasspreadwide.“Don’tmove.”
Inodded,liftingmyhandstomypebblednipplesandgivingthematug.
“Again.”Knoxstoodattheendofthebedandwatched.
Ipulledatmynipples,lovingtheflareinhiseyes.“Likethis?”
“Again.”
Ismiledandkepttoyingwiththemashesteppedoutofhisjeans,histhickarousalbobbingfree.
Hewrappedhisfistaroundthevelvetshaft,strokingitoverandoverashewatchedmeplay.AbeadofcomeformedathiscrownandIlickedmylips.“Youwantyourmouthonme,Memphis?”
“Yes,”Ibreathed.
“Later.Tonight,I’mgoingtocomeonyourprettytits.”
Mybreathhitchedagain.
“Touchyourclit.”
Iletgoofonebreast,droppingittothehardenednubbetweenmylegs.ThesecondItouchedmyself,mybackarchedoffthebed.
“Don’tcloseyourlegs,”Knoxordered.
Ikeptthemwideashesettledbetweenthem,kneelingaboveme.
Hishandonhisshaftneverstoppedworkingashepumped.Theotherhandswattedmyfingersawayfrommycenter.“Touchyournipples.”
Iobeyed.Instantly.Inthebedroom.Inlife.WhateverpleasureIbroughthim,he’dgiveitbacktentimesover.
Hishandfoundmyclitagain,andhematchedtherhythmofhisstrokesonusboth,workingmeupuntilIcouldbarelybreathe.
“That’sit,honey.Comeagain.”
Idetonated,myeyessqueezingshutastheorgasmrackedthroughmybody.
Knoxgroanedanddidexactlyaspromised.Hecameonmybellyandmybreasts.Iwatchedasecstasywashedoverhishandsomeface.AshisAdam’sapplebobbedwithhisrelease.Ashecameundone.Forme.
Ashiverrolledoverhisshouldersasheopenedhiseyes.Thenhegavemeasexy,devilishsmirk.“Nowyou’reamess.”
Hismess.
Inthatmess,therewaspassion.
Inthatpassion,wewereperfect.CHAPTEREIGHTEENMEMPHIS
Knuckleshadneverlookedsomagical.Thisrestaurantwasmeanttobefullofpeople,andnotasingletablesatempty.FromthemomentI’dsteppedthroughthedoor,thenoisehadswallowedmewhole.Theclinkofsilverware.Therumbleofconversation.Theboomofunrestrainedlaughter.
Thescentofspicesandherbsluredmedeeperintothespace.Roastedturkey.Creamypotatoes.Tangycranberries.Sagestuffingandsweetcornbread.Mystomachgrowled.
Drakefelttheexcitementintheairandletoutalittlesqueal,kickinghislegsasweslippedpastthehostessstation.
SomeofthepeopleeatingtheirThanksgivingfeastwereguestsIrecognizedfromthehallwaysofthehotel.Otherswerelocals,mostfacesIdidn’tknow.Butsomeday,likeKnox,Ihopedtowalkthroughhereandknowmostpeoplebyname.
Ipushedthroughtheswingingdoortothekitchen,expectingchaos.Instead,IwasgreetedbymorelaughterasRoxanne,SkipandKnoxstoodaroundthegleamingpreptable.Theteenagerwhowasheddisheswasstackingcleanplates.
“AmIintherightplace?”Iasked.
Knoxchuckledandcameover,liftingDrakefrommyarms.Thenhismouthwasonmine,histonguesweepingacrossmylips.
Iblinked,takenabackbythekiss,butthenIliftedmyhandstohisfacetoholdon,laughingashegrowledandletmego.“Whoa.Nowthere’sahello.”
“Hello.”Hissmilewasbreathtaking.
Drakelatchedahandontohisbeardandpulled.
“Hey,boss.”Knoxkissedhischeek,thenpulledmeintohisside.“Howwasthemorning?”
“Guessingnotashecticasyours.”
BecausedaycarewasclosedforThanksgiving,I’dspentthemorningwithDrake.Eloise,bestbossintheworld,hadchangedtheshiftssoIcouldhavetodayandtomorrowoff.I’dbeworkingallweekend,butKnoxhadvolunteeredtowatchDrake.
I’dspentanhourplayingwithmyson,workingontummytimeandrollingover.ThenduringDrake’smorningnap,I’dcleanedKnox’shouse.He’dleftjustafterfourtogettotherestaurantandprepfortheholidaymeal.
Knuckleshadasinglemenutodayandhadbeenreservationonly.Localswhohadn’twantedtocookandthosevisitingQuincyhadblockedoutthedaymonthsago.Everyseathadbeentaken.
“Howdideverythinggo?”Iasked.
“Good.Easy.”HechuckledasRoxanneandSkipbothscoffed.
“ThisisthefirsttimeI’vebreathedsincefive,”Roxannesaid,strippingoffanapronassheheadedtothewalk-in.Shecameoutwiththreesquaresilverbowls,eachcoveredinclearplasticwrap.“I’mgoinghometoeatmyselfintoafoodcoma.”
“Thanksfortoday,”Knoxsaid.
“Youbet.Seeyouguystomorrow.”
Knoxwavedasshedisappeareddownthehallwaytoslipoutofthesideexit.Thenheletmego,handingDrakeover,tounbuttonhiswhitecoat.
“Youdon’tneedtostickaround?”Iasked,glancingtothedoorandallthepeoplebeyond.
“No,we’realldone.Everytablehasfood.Therewillbeatonofdishestowash,butSkip’sfamilydinnerisn’tuntiltonightsohe’sgoingtocloseup.”Heballeduphiscoat,takingittoalaundrybin,thenretrievedhiskeysandjacketfromhisoffice.“Callmeifyouneedanything.”
Skipliftedahand.“HappyThanksgiving.”
“Sametoyou.”KnoxstoleDrakeagain,carryinghimasweheadedoutofthekitchen.Notfivestepsintothediningroomandamanstoodfromhistableofeight,handextended.
“Thisisquitethemeal,Knox.”
“Thanks,Joe.Appreciateyouallcomingdown.”
“Wewerejusttalkingabouthowthiswillbeournewtradition.”JoeglancedmywayandKnoxputhishandaroundmyshoulders.
“Joe,thisismygirlfriend,Memphis.AndthislittlemanisDrake.”
“Pleasedtomeetyou,”Joesaid,shakingmyhand.
“Hi.”Inoddedandsmiled,hopingtheshockdidn’tregisteronmyface.
Girlfriend.I’dbeenagirlfriendbefore.Neverhadthatstatussoundedso…lasting.
Ittooktwentyminutestogetacrosstheroombecauseeverytablewepassed,someonewouldstopKnoxandcomplimenthimonthemeal.Thenhe’dintroducemeashisgirlfriend.Overandover.Eachtime,ashiverraceddownmyspine.
Untilfinallywemadeittothedoorsandescapedoutsidetothesnow.
“Let’sjustridetogether.We’llgetmytrucktomorrow.”
“Okay.”IfollowedhisfootstepsthroughthesnowtotheVolvointheparkinglot.
Thestormlastweekhadbroughtinovertwelveinches.Itshowednosignsofmelting.Butthisearlywinterwasfinebyme.
ThesnowmadeQuincyevenmorecharming.Andinaway,itwaslikeacocoon,isolatingusfromtheoutsideworld.Istillhadn’theardfrommyparents,andasthedaystickedby,myanxietyebbed.
Waitingwasn’teasy,butIhadplentyofdistractions.Ababyboy.AndmyKnox.
WepiledintothecarandKnoxtookthekeyssohecoulddrive.ThenwesetoutfortheEdenranch.
Mykneesbegantobounceaswepulledoffthehighway.Isatonmyhandssotheywouldn’tfidget.
Knox’sfingersdrummedonthesteeringwheel,butunlikeme,itwasn’tnerves.Energyradiatedoffhisbroadshoulders,andthegrinonhisfacewasintoxicating.
“You’rewired.”
“Yeah.”Hisblueeyessparkledinthebrightafternoonsun.“It’stherestaurant.Todaywascrazybusy.I’mstillridingthatwave.”
“Youreallyloveit,don’tyou?”
“Ireallydo.”
Apangofenvyhit.“Idon’tlovecleaningrooms.”
Hetookahandfrombeneathmythigh,threadingourfingerstogether.“Whatdoyoulove?”
WhatdidIlove?“Ihavenoidea.Iwasneverreallygiventhefreedomtodecide.”
“You’renothingbutfreenow,honey.”
“OtherthanIneedmoneytopayforrentandfood.Speakingofwhich,youhaven’tdepositedmylastrentcheck.”
“Haven’tI?”
Ifrowned.“Ifyoudon’tcashit,I’mmovingintotheloft.”
Hechuckled.“I’llcashit.”
“Thankyou.”IglancedatDrakeinthebackandthemirrorfacingforwardsoIcouldseehisface.Hisattentionwasraptonthewindowandtheworldoutside.“Mostly,Ijustwanttospendtimewithhim.Moretime.”
“You’vegotanIvyLeagueeducation.Ibetifyoustartedlooking,youcouldfindsomethingonline.Peopleareworkingfromhomemorethanever.Hell,ifyouwant,wecanturntheloftintoanoffice.”
“Maybe.”Thatwassotempting.“Butnotyet.NotuntilIhavesomecashreservesbuiltup.”
“Icancoveryou.”
“Thanks,butno.”Myindependencewastooimportant.
“You’restubborn,”heteased.
“Absolutely.”
Hebroughtmyknucklestohislips.“Ilikethatyou’restubborn.ButI’dlikeitevenmoreifyoulovedyourjob.”
“Idon’tdislikemyjob.”
“That’snotthesame.”
“Iknow,”Imumbled.“EloisewouldnotbehappywithyouifItoldheryouweretryingtogetmetoquit.”
“Eloisewouldn’tbehappywithmeforalotofthingswherethehotelisconcerned.”Heblewoutalongbreath.“Myparentshavebeenaskingmetotakeitover.”
“What?”Isatupstraighter.“When?”
“It’sbeenadiscussionforawhile.Ihaven’treallywantedtomakeadecisionsoI’veputitonthebackburner.But…Ican’tignoreitforever.Theirvisionistohaveallofthefamilybusinessesstayinthefamily.Griffinhastheranch.LylahasEdenCoffee.Thehotelisthenextquestionmarkandthey’dlikemetotakeit.”
Knox?Really?“Don’tgetmadatmeforthis,but…I’vealwaysseenitasEloise’s.”
Hegavemeasoftsmile.“I’llneverbemadwhenyou’rehonest.Anditishers.”
“Thenwhywouldn’ttheywanthertohaveit?”
“She’syoung.Ilovemysister’sheart,buttherehavebeentimeswhenshe’sledwiththatheartandmadethewrongbusinessdecision.MomandDadjustgotoutofalawsuitwithaformeremployee.It’sbeen…stressful.”
“Oh.Ididn’trealize.”EloisehadtoldmealotaboutherfamilyandthehotelandQuincyingeneral,butnotaboutalawsuit.“Doyouevenwanttorunthehotel?”
“Notreally,”headmitted.“ButI’drathertakeoverthanhaveMomandDadsellit.”
Igrimaced.Thehotelwouldn’tbethehotelwithouttheEdens.WithoutEloise.
“IfIdidit,hopefullynothingmuchwouldchange.Idon’twanttotakeEloise’sjob.Butratherthanheransweringtomyparents,she’danswertome.AndI’dbefairlyhands-off,justtheretostepinfortheharderconversations.”
ConsideringIrarelysawHarrisonorAnneatthehotel,IdoubtedEloisewouldmindgoingtoKnoxinstead.Maybeshe’dactuallylikehavingsomeoneclosertobounceideasoffof.Still…whydidthisfeelsowrong?
“Feelslikeabetrayal.”Hevoicedtheanswertomyunaskedquestion.“DidyouknowthatEloisewasnamedafterourgreat-great-grandmother,EloiseEden?Itwasherhotel.”
“Shetoldmethatonmythirdday.”
“She’sproud.Sheshouldbe.She’sworkedhard.”Hewaveditoff.“Anyway…Iwantedyoutoknow.Getyourthoughts.Wedon’thavetotalkaboutittoday.”
ThenervesI’dbeenbattlingallmorningspikedaswedroveunderneathalogarchway.AtitsapexwastheEdenranchbrand.
“WhyamInervous?”Itwasn’tlikeIhadn’tmetKnox’sentirefamily.Hissiblingswereoftenatthehotel.Hisparentsweretoo.TaliawasDrake’sdoctor.
ButtodaywasafamilyfunctionatHarrisonandAnne’shome.AndIwasthegirlfriendjoiningaholidaygatheringforthefirsttime.
“You’vegotnothingtoworryabout.Well,exceptEloisementionedbakingcookies.Steerclearofthose.”
Igiggledasherolleddownagravelroadborderedbybarbed-wirefences.Beneaththeevergreensthattoweredovertheland,thegroundwascoveredinablanketofsnow.Itwaspeaceful.Serene.
“Thisislovely,”Isaid.
“It’sabeautifulsliceoftheworld.”
Ismiled.“Itis.ButIloveyoursliceonJuniperHillmore.”
“Metoo.”HewinkedanddrovetherestofthewaywhileIstudiedthecountryside.
Myheartracedwhenaloghousewithawraparoundporchcameintoview.Thehomestoodproudlyinaclearingthroughthetrees.Beyondawide,openlotwasashopbuilding.Oppositeitwasanenormousbarnandstables.
Everyroofwasdustedwithsnow.Aplumeofsmokecamefromthehouse’schimney.Astringofvehicleswasparkedoutside.
“Arewelate?”Iasked.
“No.We’renoteatinguntillater,”hesaid,parkingthecar.“ButI’mguessingeveryone’sbeenheremostoftheday,hangingout.”
“Okay.”MyfingersshookasIunclippedmyseatbelt.
Myfamily’sholidaymealswereusuallyshortandquiet.We’dsitaroundthetable,staringatourphonesthroughthemeal.AfterourlastThanksgiving,thestaffhadbarelybegunclearingtheemptyplatesbeforewe’dallscattered.
DadandHoustonwoulddisappeartoDad’sofficetotalkaboutwork.Momwoulddrinktoomuchchampagneandgotobedearly.RaleighandIhadneverbeenclose.Notaslittlegirls,certainlynotasteenagers.Shelovedshoppingandtravelingwithherfriends.Shewouldn’tdoanythingtoriskhertrustfund.
We’dallbeenourownislands.
ExceptIwastiredofbeingonanisland.Today,Iwantedtobelong.
KnoxclimbedoutofthecarandretrievedDrake.HehadthediaperbagoverashoulderandIwasstillstuckinthepassengerseat.Hebent,staringatmefromhisopendoor.“Needaminute?Icantellthemyou’reonthephone.”
He’dmakeexcuseswhileIgotmyshittogether.
“No.”Itookonelastfortifyingbreathandsteppedoutside.
Thefrontdooropenedasweclimbedtheporchstairs.Harrison,tallandbroad,likehissons,filledthethreshold.Thebrightwintersunbroughtoutthegraystrandsthreadedthroughhisdarkhair.“Hopeyoutwoarehungry.Anne’scookingenoughtofeedahundredpeople.”
Knoxlaughed.“SoundslikeMom.”
“Shemademebuyallnewplasticstoragecontainersatthestoresoshecansendtheextrashomewithyoukids.WhichmeansifIwantleftovers,I’mgoingtohavetodrivetoyourhouse.”
“I’vegotleftoversfromtherestaurant.”KnoxclappedHarrisonontheshoulderaswereachedthetopstair.“Soyoucankeepours.I’llhidetheminthegaragefridgeforyou.”
“Attaboy.”Harrisonlaughedandpulledmeintoahug.“Gladyou’rehere,Memphis.”
“Thankyouforhavingus.”
“Comeonin.”Heshiftedtotuckmeagainsthisside,makingthesqueezethroughthedooratightfit.Buthedidn’tletmegoasheledmethroughtheentrywaytothekitchen.Itsmelledasfantasticastherestaurant.“Makeyourselfathome.I’mnotmuchforhousetourssojustpokearounduntilyoufindwhatyouneed.”
Pokearound.Ihadn’tpokedaroundatmyparents’houseanditwasthehouseI’dgrownupin.
“Oh,good.You’refinallyhere,”Annesaidaswewalkedintothekitchen,dryingherhandsonatowelbeforepullingmeintoahug.
Themomentsheletmego,Lylawastheretotakeherplace.ThenEloisejoinedusfromthelivingroomwithherfamoussmile,theonethatneverfailedtomakemesmileinreturn.MateowanderedintotheroomwithanoldermanI’dlearnedwasHarrison’sbrother,Briggs.AndfinallyWinslowandGriffincamefromahallway,havingjustputHudsondownforanap.
“Whatareyouworkingon?”KnoxaskedAnne,walkingovertothestoveandpullingalidoffapot.
“Don’ttouchthat.”Sheswattedhishand.“I’mexperimentingwiththecranberrysauce.”
“Wantsomehelp?”
“You’vebeencookingallday.”Sheshooedhimawayuntilhestoodbesidemeontheothersideoftheisland.“LylaandIaredoingdinner.”
“CanIhelp?”Iasked.“I’mnotmuchofacook,butKnoxhasbeenteachingmeafewthings.”
Ourcookinglessonswereinfrequentandinfusedwithforeplay.WheneverI’dstandatthecounter,Knoxwouldcomeupbehindmetotoywithmyhairordraghispalmsovermyass.ButI’dlearnedhowtomakemorethanboxedmacaroniandcheese.
AnneglancedpastmetowhereEloisewastalkingtoGriffin.ThenshenoddedtotheZiplocbagofcookiesonthecounter.“Ifthoseaccidentallyfoundtheirwaytothetrashcaninthegaragewhileyouwenttograbyourselfanythingfromthefridgeoutthere,thatwouldbefine.”
“Aretheyreallythatbad?”
AnneandLylasharedalook.
“Cookiedisposal.Onit.”
“Thankyou,”Lylamouthed,thenwentbacktopeelingpotatoes.
Thefrontdooropenedandshoesstompedonthefloor.ThenTaliabreezedintotheroominapairoftealscrubs.“Hello!AmIthelastonetogethere?”
“Yep.”Knoxmovedtokisshercheekbutsheignoredhimandthrewherarmsaroundmeforahug.
TheEdenshadmorethanblueeyesandchocolatehairincommon.Theyallknewhowtogiveahugthatmademewanttocry.
Theyhuggedwithouthesitation.Theydidn’tstiffenlikemymother.Theyweren’tworriedabouttheirmakeuprubbingofflikemysister.Theyweren’taversetogeneralhumancontactlikemyfatherandbrother.
TheEdenshugged.
Andwitheveryone,Irealizedjusthowlonelymylifehadbeen.
“How’smylittleDrake?”TaliatookhimfromKnox,kissinghischeek.She’dgushedandfawnedoverhimathischeckupearlierthismonth.Andwhenshe’ddeclaredhimperfect,I’dimmediatelyagreed.“Lookhowbigyou’regetting.”
“Don’tbeababyhog.”HarrisonwaltzedintotheroomandliftedDrakefromTalia’sarms.“Comeon,buddy.Let’swatchsomefootball.”
Drakeletoutastringofbabbleanddrool,lovingtheattention.
“I’mnotababyhog.”Taliareachedforanolivefromthesnacktrayonthecounter.“Where’sHudson?”
“Asleep.”KnoxpluckedupapickleandpoppeditintohismouthasGriffinandWinnjoinedus.
“Hopefullywithanaphewon’tbeaterrorthroughdinner,”Winnsaid.“Hewasexhausted.”
“Becausehewakesupbeforedawn,”Griffinmuttered,pullingoutastool.“Myboy’samorningkid.”
“Notmine.”Knoxpulledoutthestoolbesidehisbrother.“Mine’sanightowl.”
Theentireroomwentstillasmybreathcaughtinmythroat.
Mine.Oneshortword,foursimpleletters,andifthere’dbeenanydoubtthatIwasinlovewithKnoxEden,itvanished.
IlovedhimbecausehelovedDrake.
AlleyeswereonKnox.Annestaredathimwithherhandsclaspedagainstherheart.
Hesimplyshruggedandateanotherpickle.“Lyla?”
“Yeah.”
“TellMomthathercranberrysauceisabouttoboilover.”
“Itisno—oh,shit.”Anneflewintoaction,rippingthepanoffthestove.
Atinycrycarriedfromthehallwayanditdidn’tbelongtomyson.
“Somuchforanap,”Griffsaid.“I’llgethim.”
ButbeforehecouldgorescueHudson,Taliaflewdownthehallway.“No,no,no.He’smine.”
“Shehasbabyfever,”Lylasaid.“ThankGodit’snotcontagious.”
Theroomlaughedandsettledintoeasyconversation.GriffinandKnoxtalkedabouttheranchandtheupcomingcalvingseason.Winntoldusaboutthe9-1-1callthathadcomeinyesterdayfromawomanwho’dmistakenasquirrelinhergarageforaburglar.Thenhergrandpa,Pops,arrivedwithasmallbouquetofflowersforeverywomaninthehouse,includingme.
IhadthebundlepressedtomynosewhenMateoreturnedtothekitchenwithDrakeonanarm.“Doyouneedmetotakehim?”
“Nope.Taliathinksshe’sgoingtobethefavoriteaunt.ButUncleMateoisabouttostealherthunder.”HetickledDrake.“Isn’tthatright,dude?Youeverneedanything—candy,toys,junkfood—I’myourguy.”
Knoxchuckled.“Thiswillbeinterestingtowatch.”
Mythroatclosed.Mylungswouldn’tfillwithair.Iheldupafingerandslippedaway,findingapowderroomdownthehallway.Ieasedthedoorclosed,forcingoxygenintomylungsasIbracedonthecounter.
MyeyesfloodedasthedooropenedagainandKnoxwasthere,wrappingmeinhisarms.
“Yourfamilyis…”Ilookedathimthroughthemirror.“It’sbeautiful.It’ssobeautifulIcouldn’tbreathe.”
“Betternow?”
Inodded,blinkingawaythetears.Happytears.“Thisisthethird.”
“Thethirdwhat?”
“Thethird-bestday.”
Amagnificentsmilestretchedacrosshisface.“LikeIsaid,honey.I’lltakethemall.”
Istoodonmytoes,stretchingforhislips.“Promise?”
“Iswearit.”CHAPTERNINETEENKNOX
ItwasstrangetostandinthekitchenatKnucklesandbenervous.NotevenonopeningnighthadIfeltthisrattled.Myfingerskeptskimmingthepreptable,soIshovedthemintomyjeanspocketsbeforeIsmearedmyprintseverywhere.
Iscannedeverysurfaceoftheroom,fromthegleamingcounterstothepolishedstovestotheshelvesofwhitedishesthatglintedbeneaththeroom’slights
Thescentofbleachclungtotheair.Ithadn’tbotheredmewhileI’dbeencleaningbutnow…thiskitchenshouldsmelllikefood.Likevanillaandflourandcinnamon.
“Cookies.”Isprangintoaction,swipingamixingbowlfromitsshelf.ThenIbeganhaulingoutsuppliesfromthepantry.Iwasjustcrackingacoupleofeggsintomymixtureofsugarandbutterwhentheswingingdooropened.
MemphiswalkedinwithDrakeonherhip.Hersmiledroppedasshesawthemessonthepreptable,thenhereyessoftened.“You’renervous.”
“I’mnervous,”Iadmitted,myshouldersfalling.Andnow,insteadofacleankitchen,Ihadahalf-startedbatchofcookiedough.“I’dbettercleanthisup.”
“No,don’t.”Shewalkedoverandstoodonhertoes,tuggingatmycoatsoI’dbendandgiveherakiss.“Makewhateveritisyou’remaking.”
“Snickerdoodles.”
“Perfect.”
Idroppedmyforeheadtohers.Nooneelseintheworldwouldtellmetokeepcooking.They’dlookattheclockonthewall,seeitwasafterfiveandrealizethephotographerwasduehereanyminute,thenthey’dhelpmesweepitallaway.
ButnotMemphis.SheknewwhatIneeded.Atask.Theslightdisarraythatmadethiskitchenmysanctuary.Andher.Ineededher.
Forthefirsttimeinmonths,therestaurantwasclosed.MondaysweretypicallyslowandI’dwantedtogivethestaffadayofftorestbeforethecrazedChristmasschedulehit.That,andI’dwantedthedaytocleanwithoutguestsgettingintheway.
Twoweeksago,rightafterThanksgiving,I’dgottenanemailfromLesterNovak’smagazineaskingwhenwecouldworkinaphotoshoot.Iwasn’tsureifthey’dwantphotosoftherestaurantandthekitchen,soI’dmadesurebothwereavailableandpristine.
MemphisandIhaddrivenintogetherthismorning.She’dofferedtogohomeandgivemespace,butIwantedherhereforthistonight.Iwantedthembothhere.
Drakekickedandsmiled,leaningmyway.
Itookhimfromherarms.“Hey,boss.Howwasdaycare?”
“Great.”Memphis’slipcurled.“Hewasanangel,accordingtoJill.”
Ichuckled.“Ignoreher.”
“Iknow.”Shesighed.“AndIknowthisisjustmyinsecuritiesshowing.ButIdon’tlikeher.”
“Youdon’thaveto.Wecouldtakemymomuponheroffer.”
AfterThanksgiving,myfamilyhadpulledMemphisintothefold.Theylovedher.TheyknewIlovedher,evenifIhadn’tsaidthewords.
Momdidn’tliketheideaofhergrandchildrenindaycare,soshewatchedHudsonmostdayswhileWinnwasatthepolicestationandGriffinwasworkingontheranch.She’dofferedtotakeDraketoo.
“That’salottoputonher,”Memphissaid.“Idon’twanttotakeadvantage.”
“It’snottakingadvantageifshewantstodoit.”AndMomwantedtodoit.She’daskedmefivetimesinthepasttwoweeks.ItwouldbealongerdriveforMemphistotakeDrakeouttotherancheachday,butwe’dnolongerbeboxedinbypick-upanddrop-offhours.
Andsecretly,Iwantedhertodoit.Iwasn’tgoingtopush,itwasMemphis’sdecision,butIwantedhertospendmoretimewithmyfamily.Becausethemoreshewaswiththem,themoreshe’drealizetheywereherstoo.
“Buttwobabies?”Memphisasked.
“Shehadsixofherown.AndDad’saroundtohelp.”
“Idon’tknow.”Shescruncheduphernose.“Idon’twanttoupsetWinnandGriffinbecauseIaddedDraketothemix.”
“Trustme.Theydon’tcare.”TheywantedDrakeandHudsontobebuddiestoo.
Memphistappedherchin.“Doyouthinkshe’dletmepayher?”
Iscoffed.“Definitelynot.”
“See?ThatfeelslikeI’mtakingadvantage.”
“Tellyouwhat…ifyoucatchJillgossipingagainorshedoessomethingtopissyouoffoncemore,wetellhertofuckoff.Deal?”
“Deal.”
IwasguessingitwouldtakeapproximatelyaweekbeforeJillwashistory.MemphishadtoldmeaboutwalkingintothecenterandhearingJill’scommentstohercoworker.Ithadn’tsurprisedme.Small-towngossipinQuincywasasfrequentassunnydays.AndI’dbeensingleforalongdamntime.Therehadn’tbeenawomanI’dwantedtodateanditwasknownthatIonlyhookedupwithtouristswhoknewitwouldendafteranight.
UntilMemphis.
She’dblownintotownandtherewouldbenootherwomen.
“Anycallstoday?”Iasked.
“No.Nothing.”Sheworriedherlipbetweenherteeth.
Itwasdrivinghercrazythatshehadn’theardanythingfromherparentssincebeforeThanksgiving.Theassholeshadn’tbotheredgivingheranupdate,butIdidn’twantherreachingouttothemeither.Notuntiltheyshowedwithagoddamnapology.
Atthispoint,IwastakingnonewsasasignthatVictorhadpaidwhatevertowhoeverhadblackmailedhim.Iftheyalldisappeared,Iwouldn’tbebrokenhearted.
Memphisdeservedahellofalotbetterforherfamily.
Luckily,Ihadthebestonearound.
“IwasthinkingaboutmysistertodaywhileIwasdrivingtogetDrake,”shesaid.“WeusedtogoshoppingtogetherbeforeeveryChristmas.Itwastheonethingwealwaysdidandenjoyed.”
“Spendingmoney,”Iteased.
“Yes.”Shegiggled.“Shehasn’tspokentomeinmonths.Ididn’tevenrealizehowdamagedourfamilywasbecausewewereallsogoodatkeepingupappearances.”
“I’msorry.”Ipulledherintomyside,kissingherhair.
“I’mnot.”ShetouchedDrake’sshoe.“Hedeservesbetter.”
“Youbothdo.”
Shesmiled.“You’dbettergetgoingonthesecookies.”
“Shit.”Ilaughedandgaveherthebaby.ThenIworkedwithfury,mixingthedoughandrollingitintoballswhiletheovenpreheated.
MemphishelpedmecleanupinaflashandasIstowedthedirtydishesinthedishwasher,thedooropenedandMateopokedhisheadinside.“Yourladyishere.”
“Wouldyoumindbringingherback?”MyhearthammeredasIspoke.
“Sure.Smellsgoodinhere.Didyoumakecookies?”
Memphislaughed.
“Yes.Andyoucaneatthemall.”Mystomachwasinaknot.“It’sjustafewpicturesbut…damn.Iwasn’tthisnervouswhenLesterwascomingtoeat.Whatiswrongwithme?”
“Thisarticleisahugedeal.”Memphiswalkedover,handingmeDrake.Thenshereacheduptofixmyhair.“WhenIworkedinthecity,Ioversawalotofphotoshoots.Everyonewouldgetnervous.It’snormal.”
“DidyoujustmakethatupsoI’dfeelbetter?”
“Nope.”
“Stay.Don’tgoanywhere,okay?Iwantyoutobehere.”
“Thenwe’llstay.”
ThedooropenedasIbrushedmylipsagainsthers.Ibrokeawayandlookedup,readytogreetthephotographer.ExceptthewomanwalkinginbehindMateowasnostranger.
“Gianna?”
Memphistensed.
WhatthehellwasGiannadoinginQuincy?Inmykitchen?
“Hey,Knox.”Gianna’sgazeheldmineforamoment,thenstrayedtoMemphisandDrake.Sheswallowedhardandforcedasmile.“Goodtoseeyou.”
“You’reGianna?”Mateohadrolledalargecaseinforher.Hesetitonitswheels,thencrossedhisarmsoverhischest.HelookedtomeandIgavehimaslightheadshakebeforehedecidedtotossherintoasnowbankforbreakingmyheartyearsago.
GiannasteppedoutofthewayasMateofrownedandstrodefromthekitchen.Thenshelookedupandtuckedalockofhersleekblackhairbehindanear.
“Ididn’trealizeyouwerethephotographer,”Isaid.Themagazinehadsimplysaidtheyweresendingtheirphotographer.Ihadn’taskedforaname.NotinamillionyearswouldIhaveexpectedGiannatostepintomykitchen.
“I,um…Istartedwiththemagazineacoupleofyearsago.”Soshe’dknownexactlywhereshewasheaded.She’dchosentocomehere.Why?
Theoven’stimerdingedandMemphisreachedforDrake.“I’mgoingtogiveyouaminute.”
“Youdon’t—”
“We’llbeback.”BeforeIcouldprotest,shehadDrakeinherarmsandwasoutthedoor.
Shit.Irubbedmybeard,thentookthecookiesfromtheoven,settingthemasidebeforefacingGiannaagain.“Why’dyoucomehere,Gi?”
“It’sbeenalongtime.”
Inodded.“Ithas.”
“Itriedcallingyouafewtimes.”
“Yeah.”AndIhadn’tanswered.
“WhenIsawyournameforthisassignment,Ithought…”SheglancedatthedoorwhereMemphishaddisappeared.“Youlookgood.Happy.”
“Iamhappy.”
“That’sgreat.Reallygreat.”Sheburstintoaction,shruggingthecameracaseoffhershoulder.Sheunzippeditandpulledoutthecamerashe’dalwayscarriedwithhereverywhere.“Isawafewplacesinthediningareathatmightbegreat.Andthisspacetoo.I’dliketogetsomedifferentanglesandshots.Maybeevenhaveyoumakesomething.”
“Allright.”Iwatchedassheinspectedthekitchen,avoidingeyecontact.
Gianna.Foryears,I’dwonderedwhatI’dsayifIsawheragain.Ifmyreactionwouldbefullofangerorresentment.ButasIstaredather,Iwasjust…relieved.Lifehadbeenrockyforawhile,butIendedupexactlywhereI’dneededtobe—homeinQuincy,waitingforMemphis.
“Let’sstartinthediningspace.Thenwecanmoveinhere.”Sheliftedthehandleofthecase,cartingitthroughthedoors.
Ifollowed,glancingaround,hopingtofindMemphis.Butthespacewasempty.
Giannasethercameraonatableandbenttoopenthelargecase,liftingoutatripod.Thelightscamenext,followedbyextensioncordsandumbrellas.Shemovedwithpurpose,stagingherequipmentaroundasquaretable.ItwastheexacttablewhereLesterhadsathissecondnightintherestaurant.
“HowisJadon?”Iasked.
“He’sgood.”Giannatuggedherphonefromherjeanspocketandopeneditbeforehandingitover.“It’sfullofpictures.Youcanswipethrough.”
Igotstuckonthefirstoneandmyheartsqueezed.
ThiswasthebabyI’dlovedbeforehe’dbeenborn.ThiswasthesonI’dhadforonlyweeks.Theboywhowouldgrowupandlooklikehisrealfather.
Jadon’shairwasashadelighterthanGianna’s.Hiseyesweregreen.Theysparkledashegaveatoothygrintothecamera.Giannadidn’thavegreeneyes.Shehadbrowneyes.
MaybeGiannahadseenitearlyon.Maybethat’swhyshe’dfinallyadmittedthetruth.BecauseasIstaredathispicture,Iknewthetruthwouldhaveeventuallycomeout.
Jadonhadneverbeenmine.
ButDrake…
Hewouldn’tresemblemeeither.Hedidn’thavemyblood.He’dneversharemyDNA.AndIdidn’tgiveadamn.DrakewasmineinawayJadonneverhadbeen.
Isetthephonedownonthetable.“He’scuteasever.Growingfast.”
“Toofast.”Sheglancedtowardthemaindoors,curiositywrittenonherface,butshedidn’taskaboutMemphisorDrake.“Therestaurantislovely.It’svery…you.”
“It’sbeenanadventure.Butit’snicetobehome.Beclosetofamily.”
“That’sgreat.”Hersmiledidn’treachhereyes.
“Why’dyoureallycome?”
Shedroppedhergaze,unabletolookatmeasshespoke.“Ithinkaboutyou.Aboutus.AboutwhatwemighthavebeenifIhadn’tmesseditallup.”
“Whydidyou?Whydidyoukeepthetruthfrommeforsolong?”ItwasthequestionIhadn’taskedbeforeI’dleftSanFrancisco.There’dbeentoomuchrawpainandIhadn’twantedherexcuses.Herexplanations.
Gianna’seyeswereglassywhenshefinallyfacedme.“Iwasafraidyou’dleave.”
“Iwouldn’thave.Notifyouhadtoldmefromthestart.”
“ThenmaybebecauseIdidn’twanttogiveupthefantasy.IwantedtopretendandthelongerIpretended,theharderitwastoadmitthetruth.”
“Soyoucamehereto…what?”
“Toapologize.”Shegavemeasadsmile.“Iamsorry.So,sosorry.”
“YoutoldmebeforeIleft.”
“Itstillringstrue.”Sheliftedashoulder.“AndIjustthoughtmaybewecouldtalk.Eatdinnertogether.Drinkourfavoriteredwine.Catchup.Whenyournamecameup,Ivolunteeredforthisassignment.Ithoughtitmightbe…Itdoesn’tmatterwhatIthought.”
No,itdidn’t.Therewouldbenosecondchances.Ididn’twantone.
“I’llplugintheextensioncord.”Iswipeduptheendanddraggedittothenearestwall,fittingitintheoutlet.WhenIreturnedtothestagedarea,Giannahadhercamerainhandandclickedthebutton,theshuttersnappingasshetestedthelight.
Afterafewadjustments,shehadmesitatthetable,relaxedandcasualinthechair.Thenshehadmestandandbalanceaforkonmyindexfinger.ShetookafewshotswhereIstaredatthecamera.SomewhereIlookedtothewall.
“Ithinkthat’senoughforinhere,”shesaid.“Let’sheadtothekitchennext.”
“Wantsomehelpmovingequipment?”Iasked.
“No,that’sokay.I’vegotit.”
“ThenI’llberightback.”Iwalkedpastherandoutthedoorstothelobby,searchingthespaceforMemphis.ButexceptforMateo,itwasempty.
“SherantoLyla’sforacoffee.”Mateopointedtothelargewindowsthatoverlookedthestreet.
WhenI’daskedthismorning,Memphishadtoldmetowearmynormaljeansandablackthermal.Onestepoutside,IwishedIhadgrabbedacoat.Thecoldwaslikeablastsinkingtomycore.
Thankfully,Ididn’thavetowalkfar.TenstepsinthedirectionofEdenCoffeeandMemphiscamedownthesidewalk.Drakewasbundledinhisparka,theredpuffycoatnearlythesameshadeasthetipofhisnose.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked.“Where’syourcoat?”
“Inside.”Itookherelbowandweretreatedtothehotel.ButinsteadofreturningtoKnuckles,Ipulledherstraightforthefireplacetowarmup.
“Areyoudone?”Shelookedpastmyshoulder,probablyforGianna.
“Notyet.We’vegotsomeshotstodointhekitchen.”
“Oh.”Shesighed.“Sothat’s…her.”
“Itis.”
“She’sbeautiful.”
Inodded.“Sheisn’tyou.”
“Knox.”Hershouldersfell.“Ifyouneedtimetotalk,Icanjustgohome.Stayinthelofttonight.”
“Memphis.”Ihookedmyfingerbeneathherchin,makingsureshewaslockedonmeasIrepeatedmysentence.“Sheisn’tyou.”
Shefellintome,herforeheadcrashingintomysternum.“Ididn’tknowifmaybeyoustillwanted—”
“You.”Ikissedherhair.“Onlyyou.”
Memphiswashonestaboutherdoubts.WithDrake.Withme.Shetoldmehowmuchshemissedherconfidence,butitwasthere.Ithadalwaysbeenthere.Awomanwithoutabackboneofsteelwouldn’thavemovedacrossthecountry.Shewouldn’thavehittheresetbuttononherlife.
Oneofthesedays,she’drealizeittoo.
Untilthen,I’dcoverthegap.
Drakewhimperedandsquirmed.Hewasn’tafanofthepuffycoat.
“Andyou,boss.Iwantyoutoo.”Islidthezipperdownontheparkaandsethimfree.ThenIputmyhandonthesmallofMemphis’sbackandsteeredhertoKnuckles.
Giannawastakinghertestshotswhenwewalkedintothekitchen.Hereyestraveledtome,thenDrake,thenourinterlockedhandsbeforeshefinallylookedatMemphis.“Hi,I’mGianna.”
“Memphis.”Spokenwithalookascoldasthecurrenttemperature.Mygirlwasnotafanandshewasn’tgoingtofakeit.
Ifoughtasmile.
Giannasquirmed.
“We’llgohangintheoffice,”Memphissaid.
“No,stay.”Iroundedthepreptable,standinginfrontofthelightsthatGiannahadstaged.“Ready?”
“Yes.Shifttoyourleftabit.”Giannatooktwiceasmanyshotsinthekitchenasshehadinthediningroom.Shedidn’ttrytomakesmalltalkordrumupaconversation.Theonlywordsshesaidwereordersformetochangepositions
Twentyminutesin,shecheckedtheviewscreenonthecamera.“I’mnotcrazyaboutthese.Thekitchenistoo…”
“Clean,”Memphisansweredforher,takingasipofhercoffee.
“Yes.”Giannanodded.“Itneedsamess.”
IgrinnedatMemphis.“Howaboutdinner?Mac’n’cheese?”
“HaveIeversaidnotoyourmac’n’cheese?”
Iwinkedandgottowork.
AsIwentaboutboilingwaterandhaulingingredientsfromthewalk-in,Giannablendedintothebackground.Hercamera’sshutterclickedinasteadystreamasImademywomanherfavoritemeal.
“IthinkI’vegotit,”GiannasaidasIdishedMemphisabowl.
“Wanttostickaroundandeat?”Iasked.
“No,IthinkI’llheadout.Themagazineisusuallyprettygoodaboutsendingyouthefinalshotselectionsbeforetheypublish.Butifyouwantanyforyourself,myemailisstillthesame.”
“Great.Beforeyougo,wouldyoudomeafavor?”
“Sure.”
Shehadherfaults,butphotographywasn’tone.Giannahadatalentbehindthelens.
IwalkedtowhereMemphiswassitting,watching,andpickedupDrake.ThenItookherhandandpulledhertothepreptable,puttingmyarmaroundher.“Wouldyoutakeoneofthethreeofus?”
Memphis’shandswentstraightforherhair,fixingitaroundherface.“I’mnotveryprettyforpictures.”
“You’realwayspretty,honey.”
Giannastudiedusforalongmoment,thenliftedhercamera.Itclickedafewtimes,andasshecheckedthephotos,anunderstandingcameoverherface.
Shesawit.ShesawthewayIlovedMemphis.“I’llgetthisonetoyou.”
“Appreciateit.”
Giannatoredownhersetupinminutes,loadingitintohercase.Thenshehauledittothedoor,stoppingbeforeleavingthekitchen.“Itwasnicetomeetyou,Memphis.”
“Haveasafetriphome.”
Giannagavemeasadsmile.“Goodbye,Knox.”
“Bye,Gi.”
Shedisappeared,returningtoherworld.WhileIsatdownbesidemine.
Andatedinner.CHAPTERTWENTYKNOX
“Closeyoureyes.”Memphisclaspedmyhand,pausingoutsidethehotelannex’sdoors.Thensheledmethrough,pullingmeinafewstepsbeforewestopped.“Okay,openthem.”
Inthepasttendays,theballroomhadbeentransformedforanelegantwinterwedding.Goldenlightshadbeenstrungabovethedancefloor.Bouquetsofredandgreendottedtablesdressedinwhite.Eventhechairshadbeencovered.Attheirtiesweresprigsofhollyandredberries.
“Wow.”IletMemphispullmedeeperintotheroom,passingtablessetwithgold-trimmedplatesandcrystalgoblets.
“Isn’titadream?”Memphis’ssmilestretchedacrossherface.“It’sbeensofuntohelpsetitallup.”
Theweddingtomorrowwouldn’tbealargeaffair.Itwasforalocalcoupleandthey’dlimitedtheguestlisttoonehundred.Knuckleswascateringtheevent.Thehotelwassoldout,notonlyfromtheout-of-townweddingguestsbutforthoseinQuincyfortheholiday.
Christmaswasinthreedays,andeverymemberofthestaffhadbeenworkingnonstop,especiallyMemphis.She’dkeptupwiththehousekeepingrush,andwhenthebridehadaskedforhelpgettingthisballroomstaged,Memphishadbeenthefirsttovolunteer.
“Thecakeisgoingtogothere.Thenthebarisgettingsetuptomorrowinthatcorner.”Shepointedaroundtheroom.“AndtheDJwillbenexttothedancefloor.I’mgoingtopopintomorrowmorningandmakesurealloftheflowershavewater.”
“Areyouworkingtomorrow?”ItwasaSaturdayandshehadn’tmentionedit.Thoughwe’dbeensobusythisweekthatbythetimeI’dmadeithomeeachnight,therehadn’tbeenalotofconversation.I’dsavejustenoughenergytogiveheranorgasmortwobeforewe’dbothcrashhard.
“No,butIwasgoingtocomeintotownanddosomelast-minuteshopping.MaybegetyourmomsomethingsmallforChristmas.”
“Wealreadygotherapresent.”Agiftcardtothelocalspa.
“Thatwasfromyou.Iwanttogethersomethingfromme.Besides,it’snotlikeI’mshoppingformyownmotherthisyear.”
“Sorry.”
Sheliftedashoulder.
Weekshadpassedwithnowordfromherparents,notevenahintastohowthey’dhandledtheblackmailsituation.IcheckedtheNewYorknewspapersonlineeachday.Memphisdidtoo.Therehadn’tbeenamentionofanymemberoftheWardfamilyorOliverMacKay.
ThecallsfromBeatricehadstopped,soIassumedthatVictorhadpaid,andinturn,they’ddisownedMemphisoncemore.They’dleftherinMontana.
Butshewasn’talone.Notanylonger.
WereachedthedancefloorandIspunMemphisintomyarms.“Dancewithme.”
“Imissdancing.”Sheleanedherheadagainstmychestasweswayedinthequietroom.“WhenIlivedinNewYork,therewasalwaysaneventorweddingorgalatoattend.Thedinnerconversationwasusuallyaboutbusinessorwhowasbuyinganewyachtorwhereso-and-sowasgoinginEurope.Itwasthesame,everytime.ButIlovedthedancing.”
“Andwhowouldyoudancewith?”
Shetiltedtomeetmygaze.“Nooneimportant.”
“Goodanswer.”Ilethergo,twirlingheronce,thenpulledherclose.“DidEloiseevershowyoupicturesofwhatthisroomusedtolooklike?”
“No.Why?”
“Askherforthemsometime.Thenyou’llreallyappreciatethetransformation.”Thebuildinghadbeenemptyanddarkandmusty.Itsrenovationhadbeenmostlycosmetictocleanawaydustandbrightenthewalls.
“Okay.”Shesmiled,takingintheroom,hereyesdancing.
MemphiswouldgetthesameexpressionwhenshewatchedDrakeplayorstudiedmeinthekitchen.ButitwasthefirsttimeI’dseenherlightupforsomethinghere,inthehotel.“Youlovethis,don’tyou?”
“Ido.I’vealwayslovedweddings.Helpingwiththishasmademethink…thebridehasdonealloftheplanningherself.She’shadtocoordinatewiththevendorsandrentalplaces.IaskedherifshehadaweddingplannerbutIguessthereisn’toneintown.”
“Thereisn’t.WhenWinnandGriffingotmarried,Winnorganizedtheirweddingherselftoo.”
“Whatif…”Sheblewoutalongbreath.“WhatifItried?I’ddoitinmysparetime.Idon’tknowifthere’sademandbutIcouldorganizeanyevent.Corporatemeetingsorretirementpartiesorweddings.”
“Yes.”Whateverkeptthatlookonherface.
“IseethewayyouloveKnuckles.Iwantthattoo.IfworkingmeanstimeawayfromDrakeoryou,Iwanttoloveit.”
“Doit.I’llhelpwithwhateverIcan.”
Sheblushed.“ThenmaybeIwill.”
Ispunheraroundagain,thenreluctantlylethergo.“What’sonyourscheduletherestoftheafternoon?”
“Notmuch.Withtheroomsfull,I’vejustbeentidyingupaspeoplecomeandgo.There’saguestonthefourthfloorwhorequestedalatecheckout,sohopefullythat’semptybynow.Thenextguestwhowassupposedtocheckincalledaboutanhourago.Theirflightgotcanceledsoit’sactuallyanemptyroom.”
Emptyroomswereararitythistimeofyear.“Whatifwebookedit?Justyouandme.WecouldseeifMomwantedtowatchDraketonight.Ibetshe’dstayatourplace.ThentomorrowIcangetup,headtothekitchen.Youcancheckontheweddingbeforeyouheadhome.”
Sheworriedherlipbetweenherteeth.“I’veneverlefthimaloneatnight.”
“Gottabeafirst.Ifwedon’tlikeit,we’llgohome.”
“Um…”Shedrewinadeepbreath,thensmiled.“Okay.”
Withherhandclaspedinmine,Idraggedhertothefrontdesk.
Eloisedidn’tbataneyelashwhenItoldherIwantedtheroom.Itwastoolateinthedaytofillthereservation,andithadbeenagessinceI’dstayedasanactualguest,somethingwealldidfromtimetotime.
“IguessI’llgocleanourroom.”MemphislaughedwhenEloisehandedherthekeycards.
“Comeseemewhenyou’redone,”Isaid.
“Sure.”Shestoodonhertoes,fistingahandfulofmyshirttodragmetoherlips.Thenwewentourseparateways,hertowardtheelevatorswhileIheadedforKnuckles.
Thediningroomwasemptyforthelullbetweenlunchanddinner.Itwouldstarttofillinthenexthouraspeoplebeganwanderinginforameal.Butthekitchenwasbusy,allhandsondeck,preparingfortheweddingtomorrow.
Musicblaredfromtheradiointhecorner.Thescentofonionsandgarlicpermeatedthespace.SkipandRoxannearguedoverwhichdrinkwasbetter—eggnogorTomandJerry’s.
“Knox,which—”
“Eggnog,”IansweredbeforeRoxannecouldfinishherquestion,thendisappearedtomyofficetocheckafewemails.
Thebridefortomorrow’sweddinghadbeenemailingmedailysincewe’dstartedplanningthemenu.Asexpected,themomentIopenedmyinbox,therewasanotefromherconfirmingwehadenoughchampagnefortheevent.Something,ifMemphishadbeenherweddingplanner,shecouldhaveconfirmedweeksago.
Itwasabrilliantidea.Quincy,andTheEloise,coulduseaplanner.MaybewecouldhireMemphistobethehotel’sofficialeventcoordinator.Itwouldmeanapayraiseandifshewantedtoexpandintoherownbusiness,wecouldgiveherthatflexibilitytoo.
MycomputerdingedwithanotheremailandItensedatGianna’sname.Iclickeditopentofindasimplemessage—MerryChristmas—andonephoto.
Itwasthepictureshe’dtakenofMemphis,Drakeandmeinthekitchen.
Memphiswasthespotlight,herfacesobeautifulIstruggledtotearmyeyesaway.ShelookedupatmewhileIsmileddownather.TheonlyoneactuallylookingatthecamerawasDrake.
Ishovedawayfrommydeskandweavedthroughthekitchen.“Beback.”
MemphiswasonthefourthfloorwhenIfoundherintheemptyroom.She’dstrippedthebedandwasdustingwhenIwalkedinside.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”Shesmiled.“What’sup?”
“Gotthistoday.”Idugmyphonefrommypocketandpulleduptheemail.ThenIhandeditoversoshecouldseethephoto.
Hereyessoftened.“Ilovethis.”
“Iloveyou.”
Memphisgaspedandthephonefellfromherhand,landingwithathudonthecarpet.“W-what?”
“NotexactlyhowI’dplannedtosaythat,”Imuttered.Butitwasouttherenow,andwell…itwasthetruth.“Iloveyou.”
Hereyessearchedmine.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Islammedmymouthonhers,mytonguedelvinginsideforatasteofhersweet
Sheclungtome,herfingertipsdiggingintomyarms,herheelsrisingoffthefloorassheliftedtohertoes.
Wekisseduntilwewerebreathless,thenItoremylipsawayandworkedfreethebuttononherjeans.
“Knox.”Hereyesdartedpastmetotheopendoor.
Iheldupafinger,thenstalkedovertokickfreethestopandletitslamclosed.WhenIcameback,shearchedhereyebrows.“I’vewantedtofuckyouinoneoftheseroomsformonths.”
Hercheeksflushed.“I’montheclock.”
“Thentomorrowwe’llcleanitofftheclockandcallitsquare.”Idroppedtoaknee,holdinghergazeasIpulledhertennisshoesoffherfeet.Nextcameherjeans.IsliddownthezipperandasItuggedthemdown,takingherpantiesalongfortheride,sheshimmiedherhipsandkickedthemfreefromherlegs.
“Climbuponthebed.Getthatshirtoff.Thenhandsandknees.”
Shenodded,obeyingmyeveryword.Offcamehertop,followedbyherbra.Thensheshotmeawickedgrinassheplantedakneeinthemattressandaimedthatbeautifulassmyway.Herpussy,prettyandpink,waswetandready.
IfreedmyshaftfrommyjeansandhurriedtopullonthecondomI’dbeenkeepinginmypocket.ThenwhenIwassheathed,IdraggedmycockthroughherfoldsasIstoodbehindher,earningamoan.“Thisisgoingtobehardandrough.”
“Yes,”shehissed,pressingback.
Withonehand,Iguidedmyselfintoherslickchannel.Withtheother,Igrabbedherponytail,wrappingitaroundmyfist.AndthenIthrusthome.
“Oh,Knox.”Shearchedintome,herbottomlipsawedbetweenherteeth.
“Fuck,youfeelgood.Sofuckinggood.”Everytime,itgotbetterandbetter.
MaybethatwasbecauseIlovedher,moreeveryday.
HerinnerwallsflutteredaroundmycockasIpulledoutandslammedinside.Shemoaned,aheady,sultrysoundfromherthroat.Itwasthesamemoanshe’dgivenmejustlastnightwhenshe’ddroppedtoherkneesandletmefuckhermouth.
“Sayit,Memphis.Sayitagain.”Ithrustforwardoncemore,herbreastsbouncingandswayingasmyhipssmackedherass.
Memphispurred,“Iloveyou.”
Ifuckedherhard,thrustafterthrust.Ifilledtheroomwiththesoundofskinslappingskin.Ofherhitchedbreathsandwhimperedmoans.Iworkedherintoafrenzy,herhandsgrippingthemattress,hertoescurlingovertheside.Igrippedherass,squeezinghard,untilsheflewovertheedge.
Memphispulsedaroundme,squeezingandclenchingthroughherorgasm.Beinginsideherwasanaddiction.Iwasathermercy.Therewasonlyoneboxofcondomsleftathome,andwhentheyweregone,I’dstartgoingbare.
I’dclaimherineveryway.I’dsendhertosleepeverynightdrippingwithmycome.
Herclimaxretreatedandshecollapsedontothemattress,leaningintoherforearms.ButIkeptonpounding,workingmyhipsfasterandfasterasIpalmedherass.Thebuildintensified,thepressureatthebaseofmyspineblinding,untilfinallyIletgo.Whenthewhitespotsfadedfrommyeyes,Ifellontoher,holdinghertightastheworldcamebackintofocus.
MemphisgiggledasIpulledfree.“Ican’tbelievewejustdidthat.”
“Roundtwo,tonight.”Ichuckled,headingtothetrashcantodisposeofthecondomandtuckmyselfaway.
Shepulledonhershirtandbra,thensteppedintoherpanties.Hereyelidswereheavyandsheyawnedasshesatonthemattresstotugonherjeans.“NowIwantanap.”
Mywomanslepthardaftersex.“I’llpopovertoLyla’sandgetyoualatte.”
“Doublepeppermintmocha,please.”
“Yougotit.”Ikissedherforehead.“Howmuchlongeryougothere?”
“Thirtyminutes.Icleanedthebathroomalready.Ijustneedtodust,makethebedandvacuum.”
“I’llcallMomandmakesureshe’sgoodtobabysit.Ifshecan’t,I’msureTaliawill.I’llmeetyouinthelobbyinthirtywithyourcoffee.Thenwecangohomeandpackabag.”IheadedforthedoorbutbeforeIcouldtouchthehandle,shecalledmyname.
“Knox?”
“Yeah.”
“Iloveyou.”
Ipressedahandtomyheart.“Iloveyou.”
Withawink,IlefthertofinishworkingwhileIheadedforthekitchentocheckinandgrabacoat.SnowcoveredQuincy,butthesidewalkswereclearandtheroadsplowed.Thesunwasdippingtowardthehorizon,inchingtowardthemountainpeaks.StreetlampsilluminatedthefaintlightasImademywaytoLyla’s.
Acouplecameoutofthejewelryshopnextdoor,bothofthemlaughing.Ifrozeastheypassedby.
Memphiswasmine.Drakewasmine.
AChristmasproposalwasclichéashell,andIdidn’tgivetwofucks.
WhenIwalkedthroughthedoor,themanbehindthecounterdidadoubletake.Hisbaldheadwasshinybeneaththestore’sflorescentlights,everyonedesignedtocatchthejewelsandmakethemsparkle.“Oh…hi,Knox.”
“Hi.”Iliftedahandandwentstraightforthecentercase.
“CanIhelpyoufindsomething?”
Myheartthumpedbutmyvoicewassteady.“Anengagementring.Please.”
Heblinked,thenflewintoaction,layingoutanavyvelvetcloth.Thenheplacedringafterringonthecounterformetoinspect,ramblingonaboutcutandclarity,whileIliftedeachandtriedtoimaginethemonMemphis’sfinger.
Itwastheeleventhringthatwasthewinner.Asquarediamondsurroundedbyahaloofsmallerstones.
“Thisone.”Isetitasideanddugmywalletfromapocket.Tenminuteslater,IwalkedoutofthejewelrystorewiththeringinmypocketandwenttoLyla’sforcoffee.
IhadtwopapercupsinhandwhenIpushedthroughthehotel’slobbydoors.
Memphiswasstandingclosetothecouchbesidethefireplace,herarmswrappedaroundherwaist.Thewayshewasbitingherbottomlipandtheworrylinebetweenhereyebrowsmademewalkfaster.
“What’swrong?”
ShenoddedtowardtheofficedoorjustasitburstopenandEloisecamestormingout,attemptingtoshrugonhercoatasshemarched.Themomentmysisterspottedme,shesnarled.
“Oh,fuck.”
“Eloise.”Momrushedoutoftheoffice,followedbyDad.“Wait.”
“Theytoldher,”Iguessed.“Aboutthehotel.”
“Yep.”Memphisnodded.“Andshejustquit.”CHAPTERTWENTY-ONEKNOX
“Eloise,wait.”IhandedMemphisourcoffeecupsandjoggedtostopmysisterbeforeshecouldsprintoutthedoor.
“Youknew.”Hernostrilsflared.“Howlonghaveyouguysbeentalkingaboutthisbehindmyback?”
“Alittlewhile.”
“Fine.”Shetriedtosidestepme,butIblockedherpath.“Ifyouwantthehotel,it’syours.”
“Idon’t.”ThereasonI’dbeenavoidingthistopicwasbecauseI’dalwaysknownwhatwasinmyheart.Asmyparentscamerushingacrossthelobby,IlookedoverEloise’sshoulderandtoldthemthesame.“Idon’twantthehotel.It’sneverbeenmine.”
“Becauseit’smine.”Eloisegrittedherteeth.“AndnoneofyouthinkIcanhandleit.”
“Weneversaidthat.”Momcametoherside,touchingherelbow.
Eloisejerkedherarmaway.“YouthinkI’mtoosoft.”
“Youhaveabigheart.”Dadcametostandbymyside.“That’snotabadthing.Butthisisahugeresponsibility.WethoughtKnoxmightbeabletotakeourplace.Betheretogiveyousomeguidance.”
Memphisinchedcloser,listeningbutstayingback.
Eloise’seyesfloodedwithangrytears.“Youshouldhavetoldme,Knox.”
“You’reright.I’msorry.”
“Thisisbecauseofthelawsuit,isn’tit?Iwastryingtobeaniceboss!”Eloise’svoicecarriedthroughtheroom.“Ihadnoideahewasgoingtosueus.AndInever,everharassedhim.I’msorry.Iscrewedup.HowmanytimesdoIhavetosaysorry?”
Iheldupmyhands,hopingtocalmherdownbeforeaguestcamewanderingthrough.“Howoftendoessheneedyourinput,Dad?”
“Lately,notmuch,”hesaid.“Earlierthisyear…”
“EarlierthisyearIdidn’thaveMemphis.”Ateardrippeddownmysister’scheek.
Memphis’seyesswungtomineandwentwide.Shedidn’tunderstandhowmuchshedidhere,didshe?Shehadnocluehowharditwastofindsomeonereliableandhardworking.ShehadnoideahowmuchEloiselovedher.
TherewasnowayMemphiswouldcleanroomsforherentirelife,butithadgivenEloiseastandard.Abarwithwhichtomeasureeveryone.I’dseenherholdtheotherhousekeeperstoahigherlevel.I’dseenherpushthemtodoabetterjob.
Andtheywereperforming.
“IknowI’msoft.”Eloise’schinbegantoquiver.“I’mtrying.Sohard.Butyou’vealreadymadethedecision.I’mnotgoodenough.”
Dad’sfacepaled.Momclosedhereyes.
“That’snotit,Eloise.”Isteppedcloseandputmyhandonhershoulder.
“Itis.MaybeIshouldgo.Startagaininanothertown.”
Mom’seyesflewopen.“No.”
“Just…holdup.”Apairofguestswalkedthroughthelobby.Inoddedastheypassedusby,andthenwhentheplacewasclear,Ijerkedmychinforeveryonetofollowmetothefireplace.
“Youtoo,”ItoldMemphiswhenshehungback.
“Thisisafamilydiscussion,”shewhispered.
“Andyou’repartofthefamily.”Ihadtheringinmypockettoproveit.SoItookherelbowandsteeredhertoacouch,puttingherononesidewithEloiseonmyother,waitingasMomandDadtooktheloveseat.
Ileanedforwardonmyelbows.“Idon’twantmorethantherestaurant.”
MaybeIhadearlierthisyear.BeforeMemphis.BeforeDrake.ButifIaddedanythingtomyplate,itwasn’tgoingtobehere.Itwouldbeathome.
IwantedtheflexibilitytocoachDrake’ssportsteamsifhewasintosports.Ortakehimtopianolessonsortothepool.Iwantedmorekids.IwantednightsathomeonJuniperHillwithmywife.
Notlongerhoursintown.
“I’lltakeoverthehotel,”Isaid,reachingovertoputmyhandonEloise’skneebeforeshecouldboltoffthecouch,“untilyou’reready.IfMomandDadwanttosettletheirestate,passitdown,thenI’lltakeituntilyou’reready.”
Shescowled.“I’m—”
“Notready.”Igaveherasoftsmile.“Youknowyou’renot.Notyet.Butyouwillbe.There’snorush.”
“No,thereisn’tarush.”Dadsighed.“IfKnoxdoesn’twantit,wecankeeponwiththingsastheyare.ThiswholemesswithBriggs,hisdementiagettingworse,ithasmespooked.Wejustdidn’twanttoleaveanythingunsettledincasesomethingbadhappens.”
“Weknowyoulovethishotel,”MomtoldEloise.
“Thendon’ttakeitfromme,”shepleadedandfacedme.“Areyouworriedaboutmeruiningit?”
“No,”Iadmitted.She’dworkherselftothebonebeforethathappened.
“We’llleaveit,”Momdeclared.“We’llgiveittime.”
Eloise’sshouldersfell.“Thankyou.”
Memphisdroppedherchin,butnotbeforeIcaughttheghostofasmileonherlips.
She’dbeenright.ThiswasEloise’shotel.
Thebellatthefrontdeskdingedandwealllookedovertoseeaguestatthecounter.
Eloisewipedathereyesandrushedaway.
Momshookherhead.“Thatwentwell.”
“Youwereright.”Dadsighed.“Weshouldn’thavebroughtituptoday.”
“Broughtwhatup?”Iasked.
“WehadaconversationwithMateothismorning.He’smoving.”
“What?”Isatupstraight.“Where?Sincewhen?”
Momdabbedthecornerofhereye.“He’sbeenlookingforjobsinAlaska.Hecameoverthismorningtotellushewashiredasapilot.”
Shit.WewerefinallyallinQuincyandnowhewasleaving.
“Mateo’sapilot?”Memphisasked.
Inodded.“Hegothislicenseincollege.”
“WecametotellEloise,”Dadsaid.“Shesaidsheknew.Hetoldheraboutitbutaskedhernottosayanything.IgotfrustratedandmighthavesaidsomethingIshouldn’thavesaidabouthercommunicationskills.”
“Itdigressedfromthere,”Mommuttered.
Andinitall,they’dtoldherthatthey’daskedmetotakeoverthehotel.
“Comeon,Anne.”Dadstoodfromhisseat.“Let’sgohomebeforeIgetmyselfinmoretrouble.”
Momstoodandfollowedhimawayfromthefireplace,buthestoppedbeforehecouldgotoofar,turningtolookatMemphis.
“We’resogladyou’rehere.Idon’tknowifEloisehastoldyouthatornot.”
Memphisnodded.“Shehas.Almostdaily.”
Dadglancedoveratmysister,wholookedashappyandcheerfulasshedidanyday.Likethisargumenthadneverhappened.Later,whentheguestsweregone,she’dletdownherfa?ade.Butrightnow,shewouldsmilefortheguestsbecausethiswasherplace.
“IthinkmaybeIhaven’tbeeninhereenough,”hetoldMombuthisgazewaslockedonEloise.
“Ithinkwe’vebothmissedafewthings.”Shetookhishand,thenpulledhimtowardthedoor.
“Damn.”Irubbedmyhandsovermyface.“Didn’texpectthattoday.”
“Forwhatit’sworth,Ithinkyoumadetherightdecision.”
“Idotoo.”Iwatchedmysisterhandthegueststheirroomkeys.“Areyoudonefortoday?”
“Prettymuch.I’llseewhatEloiseneeds.Doyoustillwanttostayheretonight?”
“Yes.”MaybeIwouldn’twaituntilChristmastogiveherthisring.MaybeI’djustdoittonight.“SeeifEloisewillletyougohomeearly.I’llskipouttoo.We’llgotothehouseandpackfortonight.Ihaven’ttalkedtoMomaboutbabysittingyet,butIthinkafterallthis,I’llcallTaliainstead.”
“Areyousure?”sheasked.“Wecanpostponeit.”
“I’msure.”Istoodandretrievedourcoffees.“Roxanneishandlingtherestauranttonight.I’vegottheweddinganddinnertomorrow.Letmejusttalktomystaff.Makesureeveryone’sgood.”
“Okay.”Shewalkedwithmetothecounter,waitingtotalktoEloisewhileIreturnedtoKnuckles.
Fifteenminuteslater,wewereoutsideandheadingtohercar.IstolethekeysfromherhandandopenedthepassengerdoortotheVolvo.
We’dbeaboutanhourandahalfearlytopickupDrake,butthatwouldgiveMemphismoretimewithhimbeforewecamebacktothehotel.Moretimeformetoo.Thechaoticholidayschedulehadkeptmefromthemboth.
Itwasn’tsustainablelong-term.Iwantedmorenightsathomethanaway,whichmeantI’dhavetopromoteSkipandhireanotherlinecook,butitwouldbeworthit.
“HowwasEloise?”IaskedasIdroveacrosstown.
“Mad.”Memphisshrugged.“Iwouldbetoo.Shefeelslikeeveryonedoubtsher.Butshewon’tquit.Shewantsthehoteltoomuch.”
“Good.”
“Willyoudomeafavor?Idon’twanttotellheraboutmyweddingplannerthing.Notyet.Idon’twanttoquitthehousekeepingcrew.Especiallynow.WhatEloisesaid…Iwon’tletherdown.”
Itookherhand.“Iknowyouwon’t.Andwecantellpeoplewheneveryouwanttotellthem.”
“But…”
“Oh,boy.”
Shesmiled.“IknowwewerewaitingforJilltopissmeoffagainbeforeweyankedDrake.Butifyourmomisstillupforwatchinghim,I’dliketopullhimoutofdaycare.”
“Finebyme.DidJillsaysomething?”
“No.It’sjust…her.”Memphiscringed.“Idon’tlikeher.I’mtiredofhimcryingwhenIpickhimup.Maybethatwon’tchangewithyourmom,butthat’sdifferent.”
“Agreed.”IfDrakelovedMom,itwouldbebecauseshewashisgrandma.
“Ifeelguilty.Ijust…Idon’tlikeitthere.Andhe’smyson.Nothers.”
Actually,hewasours.ButthatwasacorrectionI’dmakeoncetheringinmypocketwasonherfinger.“Iwon’targue.WhenIpickedhimuponMondayandhecried,itpissedmeoff.Igetit.”
MemphishadbeenrunninglatesoI’dgonetogetDrakebeforethedaycarehadclosed.ThemomentI’dliftedhimfromJill’sarms,he’dcried.
Somethingaboutthewholesituationsatwrongwithme.ItwaslikeJilldidn’tputhimdownallday.Likesheintentionallyspoiledhimsothathe’dwanther.MaybeIdidn’thaveadamncluewhatIwasfeeling,buttherewassomethingslimyabouther.Somethingthathadrubbedmewrong.
LikeMemphis,hadshebeenmeantoDrake,itwouldhavebeeneasiertopullhimaway.Butthatboyadoredher.
“We’llaskMomthisweekend,”Isaid.Becausethedaycarewasclosedallnextweekfortheholidays,MomhadagreedtowatchDrake.“SeeifwecanmakethisChristmasbabysittingpermanent.”
“I’msurethedaycarewillmakemegivethemathirty-daynotice.”
“Probably,butassoonasMomisgoodtowatchhim,we’reswitching.”
“Deal.”Memphissmiled.“God,Ifeellighteralready.Thismightbethelastpickup.”
“Thelastjailbreak.”Ipulledintotheparkinglotandlefttheenginerunning,thenfollowedMemphisinside.
Shewalkeddownthehallwayforthenursery,stoppinginsidethedoortodoaquicksweepoftheroom.“Hi.Um,where’sDrake?”
“Hi.”AwomanwhowasnotJillglancedattheclock.“You’reearlytopickhimup.”
“So?”IstoodbehindMemphisandcrossedmyarmsovermychest.“Whereishe?”
“They,uh…”Thewomanswallowedhard.“She’snotbackyet.”
“Backfromwhere?”Memphistookastepcloser.“What’sgoingon?”
“Ineedtogetmymanager.”Thewomantookastep,tryingtopassusforthedoor,butIshiftedandblockedherpath.
“Whatthehellisgoingon?”Myheartbegantorace.“Where’sourkid?”
“Jill,um…shejustleftaboutthirtyminutesago.Shetookhimtoherplaceforalittlebittochangesomelaundryorsomething.Shepromisedtobebackbyfive.”
“Shetookhim?”Memphis’sjawfellopen.“Shedoesn’thavemypermissiontotakemychildfromthisbuilding.”
“It’sjust—”
“Nextdoor.”Memphisheldupahand.“That’swhatyousaidlasttime.”
Withoutanotherword,shesweptupDrake’scarseatandhisdiaperbagfromhishook,thenshemarchedtothecenter’soffice,wheretwoolderwomenwerechatting.
IstoodatMemphis’sbackandwatchedherreadtheriotacttotheladiesandimmediatelypullDrakefromtheirfacility.BothclaimedtheyhadnoideaMemphishadn’tgivenherapproval.
“Jillsaidyoudidn’tmind.Thathecouldgowithher.”
“Ididnosuchthing,”Memphisbarked.“We’redonehere.Youwillnotseeusagain.”
“Werequireathirty-day—”
“FinishthatsentenceandI’llcallmysister-in-law,thechiefofpolice,andletherknowthatyourstaffistakingchildrenoffpremiseswithoutparentalpermission.”Ileveledthewomenwithaglare.“Ibelievetheycallthatkidnapping.”
Bothblanched.
Memphisturnedandwalkedoutthedoors,lookingbothways.Herhandswereshaking.“Idon’tknowwhichhouseishers.”
“Hangtight.”IstormedintothecenteranddemandedJill’saddress.
WhenIcameout,Memphiswasstandingonthesidewalk,thecarseatanddiaperbagatherfeetandhereyesfullofworry.
“It’sthisone.”Isteeredhertothehomenextdoor,asmall,single-levelhomewithbluesidingandagreendoor.Everywindowwasdark.Theporchlightwasoff.
TherewasnothingbutsilenceasIrangthedoorbelloverandover.ThenIpoundedmyfistonthedoor,butitdidn’tmatter.Noonewashome.
“Areyousureit’sthisone?”Memphisasked.
“Theysaidbluehousenextdoor.”Everyotherhomearoundthedaycarewasashadeoftan.
Ipoundedonthedooragainwithnoanswer.
“Whatthefuck?”Ibackedaway,scanningthestreet.
ThecolordrainedfromMemphis’sface.“Where’smyson?”CHAPTERTWENTY-TWOMEMPHIS
Injustminutesthestreethadfilledwithpolicecruisers.Winnpulledinlast,gettingoutofanunmarkedSUV,andrushedovertowherewestood.Herofficersfollowed,crowdinginclosetoformablockadearoundus.
MyentirebodytrembledasIstoodtuckedintoKnox’sside.
Winntookmyhand,givingitasqueeze.“Tellmeeverything.Fromthebeginning.”
Theideaofsayingthewords—shetookmyson—mademythroatclose.LikeheknewIwouldn’tbeabletodoit,Knoxheldmetighterandspokeforme.
Hetoldherhowwe’dcometopickupDrake.Howwe’dgonetoJill’shouseonlytofinditempty.Howwe’dbothracedforthecenter,panickedandfrantic,anddemandedinformationfromtheownerandothercaregivers—therehadn’tbeenmuchtoshare.Nooneinthebuilding,notthewomenintheofficeorthegirlinthenursery,hadacluewhereJillwouldtakeDrake.
AllweknewwasthatJillhadleftwithhim,promisingtoreturnsoon.Andthenshe’ddisappeared.
WitheverywordKnoxspoke,thetremorsinmylimbsamplifieduntilIwassurethatifnotforhisarmaroundmyback,Iwouldhavebuckledtotheicysidewalk.
Winnsoakedinhisstatementlikeasponge,listeningwithoutcommentuntilhewasfinished.Thenshebeganissuingorderstoherofficers.“GetJill’sinformation.Startwithhercar.Description.Licenseplate.Makeandmodel.PushanAMBERAlertimmediately.Thenrunherplatesandgetitoutaroundtown.Digintoherphoneafterthat.Seeifwecantrackhertoacelltower.”
“Yougotit,Chief.”Oneofthementookoffrunningforthecenter’sfrontdoors.
“Searchherhouse,”Winnorderedtwootherofficers.
Theyrushedoffandonlysecondslater,Iflinchedattheboomofadoorbeingkickedin.
“Hasthiseverhappenedbefore?”Winnasked.
Inodded,swallowingthelumpinmythroat.“Once.ShetookDrakewithhertorunhome.Butshewasonlygoneforafewminutes.Itoldhershecouldn’tdothatagain.”
“What’sherrelationshipwithDrake?”Winnasked.
“Sheloveshim.Sheactslikesheloveshim.”Maybeshelovedhimtoomuch.Myheadwasspinning.Mylegsbegantocrumble.
“Breathe.”Knoxheldmetighter.“Breathe,Memphis.”
Ifilledmylungs,thestinginmynosebringinganewsetoftears.“Doyouthinkshemighthavetakenhim?Thatshewantstokeephim?”
“Thisismostlikelyjustamiscommunication,”Winnsaid.“Maybeshehadtoruntothestoreorsomething.Youwerehereearlytoday,right?”
Inodded.“Yes.Iusuallydon’tgethereuntilafterfive.”
“Okay.”WinnsqueezedmyhandagainandlockedhergazewithKnox.Themessagepassedwordlesslybetweenthemmademystomachknottighter.Therewasdreadthere.Fear.Andsympathy.
Hewasholdingittogetherforme,butIwasn’ttheonlyonewhostoodshaking,numbfromthecoldandpanic.
“Whydon’tyoubothwaitinthecar?”shesuggested.“Ineedtoaskmorequestionsandmakesomecalls.”
“Comeon,honey.”Knoxescortedmetothecar,ourstepsslowbecausehemusthaveknownIdidn’ttrustmyfeet.Hehelpedmeintothepassengerseat,thenroundedthehoodforthedriver’sside.Themomentthedoorwasclosed,hepulledouthisphoneandputitonspeaker.
Harrisonansweredonthefirstring.“Hi,Knox.”
“Dad.”
OnewordandHarrisonheardthetrembleinKnox’svoice.“What’swrong?”
“WecametogetDrakefromdaycare.He’sgone.Jill,thewomanwhowatcheshim,tookhim.”
“Oh,God.”Harrisonsuckedinasharpbreath.“CallWinn.”
“Alreadydid.They’repushinganAMBERAlert.”
“I’llmakesomecallstoo.”Withoutanotherword,Harrisonendedthecall.
Knox’sfingersflewacrossthescreen,pullingupanothercontact.Again,heleftitonspeaker.
“ThankyouforcallingTheEloiseInn.HowcanIhelpyou?”Eloiseanswered
“Eloise.It’sKnox.”HerepeatedthesamemessageandwhenEloisegaspedontheline,Ihadtosqueezemyeyesshuttokeepfromcrying.
“WhatcanIdo?”Eloiseasked.
“Helpusgetthewordout.Themorepeoplelookingforthem,thebetter.”
“Onit.”
Knoxsighedandstaredathisphone,likehewantedtomakemorecallsbutcouldn’tfindthestrengthtorepeatthetruthagain.
“Isthisabaddream?”Iwhispered.
Hesetthephoneonhisthighandlookedtome,hisowneyesfullofunshedtears.“Ithastobe.”
“Whatifwedon’tfindhim?”
“Don’tgothere.”Hetookmyhand,grippingitsofiercelythatithurtmyknuckles.ButIclungtothepain,clungtohim,sothatIstayedhere,inthiscar,anddidn’ttakeastepdownanunthinkableroad.“We’llfindhim.”
“We’llfindhim.”Therewasnoconfidenceinmyvoice.Onlyfear.
Thetwoofussattogetherinthecoldcar,watchingasWinnandherteamrushedbackandforthbetweenthedaycarecenterandJill’shouse.Acrowdwasgatheringoutsidethedaycare’sdoors.
Thetwowomenfromtheofficehadcomeoutside,bothbundledincoats.Theymadesuretokeeptheirheadsdownandnotglanceourdirectionaswesatmotionless,ourshortbreathscurlingintowhitewispsinthecar.Neitherofusthoughttoturnontheengine,tocranktheheat.Wewerebothtoostunned.
Isatandstaredthroughthewindshield,aprayerrunningthroughmymindonloop.
Findhim.Findhim.Please,letusfindhim.
“Welefthisstuff.”Knox’swordsstartledmeasheburstoutofthecar,runningtothesidewalk.
I’dgrabbedDrake’scarseatanddiaperbagfromthenursery.WhenhadIsetthemdown?Beforeorafterwe’dgonetoJill’s?Icouldn’tremembernow.Everyminuteseemedfuzzy,everysecondlikealifetime.
Afreshwaveofdizzinesshit,swirlingaroundthewhat-ifsthatIrefusedtoletmyselfthink,letalonevoice.
KnoxpickedupDrake’sthings,carryingthemtothebackseat.Thenhereturnedtothedriver’sseatand,thistime,turnedthekey.
“Ican’tsithere,”hemurmured.Theheathadbarelybeguntoflowfromtheventsbeforehewasoutofthecaroncemore,thistimestalkingtowardWinn.
ShestoodinJill’sdriveway,talkingonthephone.
Knoxwalkedrighttoher,waitingforhertoendthecall.Themomentsheputherphoneaway,thegaragedooratJill’sopened.Itwasempty.Wherethereshouldhavebeenacar,therewereonlyshadows.
Wherewouldshehavegone?Drakedidn’thavehiscarseat.Whatifshegotintoanaccident?Hadshegoneintotown?Maybeshe’dventureddowntownforacoffee.
MyhandfoundthedoorhandleandIpusheditopen,butbeforeIcouldstepoutside,ablaringalarmsoundedfrommyphone.Thenoiseechoedthroughtheair,notjustfrommyphone,butfromalltheotherpeople.
TheAMBERAlert.
Formyson.
Thatshrillsoundslashedthroughmybody,slicingtomyheart.Iclutchedmychest,willingmyhearttokeepbeating.Findhim.Please,findhim.
Twocarspulledintotheparkinglot,bothatalmosttheexactsametime.Otherparentswerebeginningtoshowtopickuptheirownchildren.Theirfaceswerecloudedinconfusionandsuddenworrybeforetheyeachrushedinside.
Exceptinside,they’dfindtheirchildren.
WhileIhadnot.
Arushofenergylitmynerveendingsintoabuzz.Sittinginthiscar,waiting,wasnolongeranoption.Ishovedoutside,wrappingmyarmsaroundmywaist,andhurriedtojoinKnox.
Hesawmeandswallowedhard,thenheldoutahand.
ItookitandfacedWinn.“Ican’tsithere.I’mgoingcrazy.”
“We’vegoteveryoneinthedepartmentlooking.Thealert’soutthere.Let’shopewegetacall.”
“WhatifIjustheadedintotown?MaybeI’llbumpintoher.MaybeshewenttothestoreorChristmasshopping.Shesaidshe’dbebackbeforeIshowedup.It’salmostfive.”
“Itwouldbebetterifyoustayedhere,”Winnsaid.“Incaseweneedinformation.”
“Youcouldcallme.”Myeyeswatered.“Please.Pleasedon’tmakemesithereandwatch.IfthiswasHudson…”
“Okay.”Sheblewoutadeepbreath.“Allright.Keepyourphoneclose.”
“Iwill.”Imovedtotakeastep,butbeforeIcouldwalkaway,Knox’shandshotoutandclaspedaroundmyelbow.
“Wait,honey.”
“What?”Ispun.“Areyoucomingtoo?”
“WeneedtotellWinnthewholestory.”
“Whatwholestory?”sheasked.
Ittookmeamomenttoreadhisface.Thenrealizationhitmeandmystomachdidacartwheel.
Oliver.Myparents.Thewomanwho’dtriedtoblackmailthemformoney.
“Doyouthinkthisisrelated?”IaskedKnox.
“Idon’tknow.”Hisforeheadfurrowed.“Butifitis,Winnneedsthetruth.”
Allthistime,we’dwaitedformyparentstocontactus.We’denduredtheirsilence,hopingforthebestpossibleoutcome.Exceptwhatifthathadbeenamistake?WhatifDrakehadbeenatargetformonths?Whatifwecouldhavestoppedthisfromhappening?
“Memphis.”Winnplacedherhandonmyshoulder,pullingmeoutofmyhead.“Talktome.”
“Lastmonth,aroundThanksgiving,myparentsshowedupinQuincy.Ourrelationshipis…strained.Theycamebecauseawomanwasblackmailingthem.ShethreatenedtoexposeDrake’sfather’sname.Totellpeoplewhohisfatheris.”
“Whoishisfather?”sheasked.
IlookedtoKnox.
KnoxwasDrake’sfather.Inalloftheimportantpartsofthatlabel,KnoxwasDrake’sdad.
Theyjustdidn’tsharethesameDNA.
“HisnameisOliverMacKay,”Isaid,thentoldherthewholestory.
Winnplantedherhandsonherhips.“CouldtheyhavetakenDrake?Oliverorhiswifeorherfamily?”
“Idon’tknow.”Maybetheywantedhimafterall.OrmaybethiswasOliver’swife’spunishmentforhisinfidelity.
“Chancesare,Jillhashim,”Winnsaid.“Yousaidsheloveshim.ThedaycareownerconfirmedthatDrake’sherfavorite,byfar.Giventhat,myhunchisthatshe’sprobablyoverstepped.Shetookhimonawalktoaparkordowntownortovisitafriend.”
“But…”KnoxvoicedthedoubtswrittenonWinn’sface.
“IneedtoknowwhathappenedwiththewomaninNewYork,”shesaid.
“Okay.”Withshakinghands,Iscrolledthroughmycontactsandfoundmyfather’sname.Itappeditandraisedthephonetomyear,holdingmybreathasitrang.MyheartbeatwassoloudandhardthatIfeltmypulseblastthroughmyveins.
“Memphis,”heanswered.
“Whathappenedwiththewomanwhowasblackmailingyou?”
“Youmadeitclearthatyoudidn’tcareabouttheoutcome.Youhadyourchance—”
“Mysonismissing.”Myvoicecracked.“Whathappened?Please.”
“Whatdoyoumean,missing?”
“Justtellme!”Iscreamedthewords,theholdonmysanitybeginningtobreak.
BeforeIcouldhearmyfather’sresponse,Knoxrippedthephonefrommyhand.“Talk.Now.”
AtearspeddownmycheekasIstaredupatKnox.Hisjawtickedandhisnostrilsflaredatwhatevermyfathersaid.Thenhedroppedthephonefromhisearandendedthecall.
“What?”
“Herefusedtopay.Toldhertofuckoff.Hasn’theardfromhersince.”
“Oh,God.”Ahandflewtomymouthtoholdinasob.
HowcouldIhavebeensofoolish?Inthepastweeks,I’dletmyselfhavehope.I’dletmyselfbeblind.Myfatherhadneverintendedtohelpme.Notonce.
Iwasabouttocrashtothesidewalkwhenastrongarmbandedaroundmyback,holdingmeup.“Hecalledherbluff.Andshecalledhis.”
“Doeshehaveaname?”Winnasked.
Knoxshookhishead.“No.Hedidn’tgetone.”
“Thisismyfault,”Iwhispered.“Ishouldhavedealtwithitmyself.”
“No.Thisisn’tonyou.”Knoxtookmyfaceinhishands,histhumbswipingfuriouslytodrythetears.“Wemadethisdecisiontogether.”
“Itwasthewrongdecision.”
Theanguishonhisfaceonlymademytearsfallfaster.“Iknow.”
“Whatdowedo?Whereishe?”
“We’llfindhim.”Knoxpulledmetohischest,holdingtightashespoketoWinn.“Whatdowedo?”
“Iknowyoudon’twanttohearthis,butIneedyoubothtowait.”
IgrowledintoKnox’schest,theterrormorphingtofrustrationanddespair.“Ican’tsitinthatcaranddonothing.Ican’twatchmotherswalkintothecenterandpickuptheirchildren.Ican’t.”
“Walktotownifyouwant,”Winnsaid.“Butwe’vegotalotofpeoplelookingforJill.I’llcheckinwiththeteamandbebackwithanupdateshortly.”
“Thenlet’sgo.”Heletmegoandgrabbedmyhand,pullingmedownthesidewalkaswesetofftowardMain.
Mylegswerestiffandwobblyoverthefirsttwoblocks,butthentheybegantowarmandmystrideslengthened.Wewalkedinsilencebutthedullscreaminmyheadgrewlouderwitheachstep.
Ifmyfatherhadnoideawhothewomanwaswho’dtriedtoblackmailhim,therewasonepersonwhowould.
IstoppedsoabruptlythatmyhandslippedfromKnox’sfirmgrasp.
“What’swrong?”
“Wehavetoknowwhothiswomanwas.Evenifit’snother,wehavetoknow.”Thetimeforburyingmyheadinthesandwasover.I’dmadethemistakethinkingthatinMontanaIwasunreachable.MaybethishadnothingtodowiththeblackmailbutIwasn’tgoingtotakethatchance.
“You’regoingtocallOliver,”Knoxguessed.
Inoddedanddugoutmyphone,findingthenumberI’dhiddenunderafakename.
“Yes,”heanswered,hisvoiceascoldasthewinterair.
“Whoknowsaboutus?”
“Noone.”
“Someone,”Icorrected.“Becausesomeoneistryingtoblackmailmyfamilyformoneytokeepmyson’spaternityasecret.Who?”
“Shit,”hehissed.
“Whoisit,Oliver?”
“Idon’tknow.”
Myfuryspiked.“Don’tyoudarelietome.Thisinvolvesmyson.IpromisedyouI’dbequiet,Iwalkedaway,butyouwilltellme.Ormynextphonecallwillbetoyourwife.”
“DothatandIwilltakeyourchild.”
“Youwillnevertouchmyson.Iwilluseeverydollarofmymillionstoruinyourlife.”WhateverittooktokeepDrakesafe.Ifthatmeantdoingmyfather’sbidding,sobeit.“Who?”
Theotherendofthelinewentsilent.SoquietIwasn’tsureifhewasstillthere.ButthenhebreathedandIknewhe’dchosenself-preservationoverhissecrets.“Nooneknewaboutus.”
“ThenwhydidtheFBIstopbymyhousebeforeIleftthecity?Someonehastoknow,Oliver.Who?”
Therewasarustlingnoiseinthebackground,thentheclosingofadoor.“WhendidtheFBIapproachyou?Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
“Weweren’texactlyonspeakingterms.AndItoldthemnothing.”
“What,exactly,didtheFBIagentsay?”Therewasanedgetohisvoice.Fear.Good.Iwasfuckingterrified.Hecouldbescaredtoo.
“Nothing.TheagentaskedifIknewyou.ItoldherIdidn’t.”Ahalf-truth.Bythatpoint,Oliverhadbeendeadtome.“Ididn’trealizeyouwerebeinginvestigated.”
“I’mnot.”
Liar.“IftheFBIknows,thensomeoneelsedoes.”
“Maybeafriendofyours.Someonewho’dknowyouhadmoneyandthoughttheycouldconyououtofsome.”
“No.ItoldyoubeforeIleft,Ididn’ttellanyoneweweretogether.”Becausehe’daskedmenotto.AndIwasagoddamnidiot.
“Itcertainlywasn’tme,”hesaid.
Myfreehandballedintoafist.“Otherthanyourwife,whowouldcarethatIhadyourchild?”
“Itisnotmywife.”
“Thenwho?Please?”Ihatedbeggingthisman,butforDrake,I’ddroptomykneesifthatmeantgettinghimhomesafe.
“ItmightbethiswomanIwasseeing.Weweren’ttogetherlong.Sixmonths.Mytimewithherbeganshortlyaftermytimewithyou.Shewas…demanding.”
“Youmeansheknewyouweremarried.”
“Yes,”hemuttered.
“Howwouldthiswomanknowaboutme?”
“Idon’tknow,”hesaid.“Unlessshehadmefollowed.Iwouldn’tputitpasther.”
He’dcometomytownhousetwiceafterourbreakup.Once,thenighthe’daskedmetoforgethisname.Thenighthe’dofferedmemoney.ThenightI’dtoldhimaboutthebaby.Then,justdayslater,he’dcometosignhisparentalrightsaway.
Ifshe’dbeenfollowinghim,maybeshe’dkeptfollowingmetoo.Outofjealousy?Spite?Curiosity?WhenI’dhadDrake,shemusthaveguessedthatOliverwasthefather.
“Aname.Givemehername.”
“AverieFlannagan.”
“AverieFlannagan,”IrepeatedandKnoximmediatelytookouthisownphone,movingtwostepsawaytocallWinn.
“Goodbye,Oliver.”
“Memphis.”HestoppedmebeforeIcouldendthecall.“Thischangesnothing.”
“Nothing,”Iagreedandthelinewentdead.
Don’tgiveup.
We’dfindDrake.WehadtofindDrake.
“Winn’sgoingtorunhername,”Knoxsaid.“Seewhatshecanfind.”
“IfshecametoMontana,IdoubtshewouldhavestayedinQuincy.Maybeweshouldcallsomeotherhotelsinthearea.”
“Therearen’tmany.Theclosestisfiftymilesaway.”Heheldupafingerandscrolledthroughhisphone.Thenhedialedanumberandpressedittohisear.“Yeah,hi.MynameisKnoxEden.I’mtheownerofTheEloiseInninQuincy.Ihadaguestwhobailedonaroomchargethisweek.I’vebeencallingaroundbecauseIguessshe’sdoneittoafewhotelsinthearea.Anychanceyou’vegotanAverieFlannaganstayingatyourplace?”
Therewasapause,thenKnoxclaspedmyhandandbeganmarchingdownthesidewalk,retreatingthewaywe’dcome.
“Noproblem.Domeafavor,I’mgoingtocallthelocalsheriff.Don’tletherknowIcalled.Appreciateit.”Heshovedhisphoneinhispocketandbegantorun.
AnyotherdayandI’dhaveahardtimekeepingpace,butadrenalineandfearhadmematchinghispace,strideforstride,aswesprintedforthedaycarecenter.
Weranrightformycar,KnoxholleringtoWinnasheopenedthedoor.“There’sanAverieFlannaganstayingattheMountainMotelonthewaytoMissoula.”
WinnsnappedherfingersatanofficerandtookoffforherownSUV.“Followus.Stayclose.”
Knoxwhippedusoutoftheparkinglotandwhenoneofthecruiserstoreaway,withWinnrightbehind,hedrovewithwhiteknucklestowardthehighway.
Themilespassedinablur,butnomatterhowfastwedrove,itwasn’tfastenough.Mykneesbounced.Mystomachchurned.
“Thisismyfault.IshouldhavecalledOliversooner.AtThanksgiving.”
“No,”Knoxsaid.“Thiswomaniscrazy.IfshereallytookDrake,she’scrazy.Youcouldn’thavestoppedthis.”
“Wecouldhavepaidher.”
“Andshewouldhaveaskedformoneyuntilwehadnothinglefttogive.”
“Whatifshedidsomethingtohim?”Myvoicewasbarelyaudible.“Whatifshehurthim?”
Knoxdidn’tanswer.Probablybecausethosesamequestionswereinhismind.
Sowedroveinsilence,speedingalongtheroad,untilasmall,U-shapedmotelcameintoviewalongthehighway,tuckedintoagroveofevergreens.
Igasped.Threesheriffcarswereintheparkinglot,eachwiththeirlightsflashing.
“Winnmusthavecalleditin.”
Irefusedtoblinkaswegotcloserandcloser,untilKnoxslowedtoeaseoffthehighway.
Anofficerinatanshirtandmatchingpantswalkedoutofaroom.Behindhim,escortedbyanothercopinuniform,cameawoman.
Ablondwomanaboutmyheight.Herhandswerehandcuffedbehindherback.
“Iknowher.”Ishookmyhead,hardlybelievingmyowneyes.“That’stheFBIagentwhocametotalktome.”
“What?”Knoxsaid.“Areyousure?”
“Yes.”Whatthehell?
KnoxparkedbesideacarwithNewYorkplates.Themomentthetireswerestopped,Iwasoutmydoor.ThesoundthatgreetedmewhenmyfoothitthepavementwasthebestsoundI’dheardallday.
Acry.Fromalittleboy.
Mylittleboy.
Itookoffrunning.SodidKnox.
“Holdup.”AnofficerhelduphishandstostopusbutwepushedpasthimanywayjustasWinncamestridingoutofthehotelroomwithDrakeinherarms.
“ThankGod.”Ihauledhimtomychestandburrowedmynoseinhisneck,pepperinghimwithkisses.ThenIfeltovereveryinchofhisbody,makingsurehewaswhole.“You’reokay.”
“He’sokay.”Knoxwrappedhisarmsaroundusboth,hischeekonDrake’shair.“Wefoundhim.”
Wefoundhim.
“You’reneverleavingmysightagain,”Isaid,holdingDraketighter.
KnoxandIclungtohim,evenashewiggledandsquirmedtobesetfree,onlypullingawaywhenafamiliarvoicecarriedfromthehallway.
“Iwouldn’thaveletanythinghappentohim.”Jill,handcuffedandbeingpushedoutoftheroombyanofficer,hadtearsstreamingdownherface.Themomentshespottedus,shefroze.Hermouthopenedandclosed,likeafishoutofwatergaspingforair.Butbeforeshecouldspeakormakesomebullshitexcuse,IspunwithmysonandstrodetowardtheVolvo.
Knoxwasn’tfarbehind.
NeitherwasWinn.
“Isthereanyreasonweneedtostay?”Iaskedher.
“No.Gohome.We’retakingthembothintocustodyandI’llquestionthemmyself.”
“Thankyou.”
Shesteppedcloser,runningafingeroverDrake’scheek.“Drivesafely.I’llseeyousoon.”
Knoxputhishandonhershoulder,thenhetookDrakeandbuckledhiminhisseat.
Islidintothebackseat,waitingforKnoxtogetbehindthewheel.
Hemetmygazeintherearview.
Thendroveushome.CHAPTERTWENTY-THREEMEMPHIS
ChristmasEve.ItwasDrake’sfirstChristmasandtherewasn’tashredofholidayspiritinthehouse.Theeventsfromtwodaysagowerestilltooraw.Insteadoftrimmingatreeorwrappinggifts,I’dspentmywakinghourswaitingforanswersandhoveringclosetomyson.
Drakecooedonthebed,pickinguphisfeetwithhishands,whileIfoldedthelastloadoflaundry.
KnoxandIhadbothtakentimeofffromthehotel.WhenhisstaffhadlearnedwhathadhappenedwithDrake,they’dallinsistedhestickclosetohome.They’dhandledtheweddingandweremakingtheChristmasEveandChristmasDayfeastsatKnuckles.
MateoandAnnehadvolunteeredtocovermyshifts,cleaningroomsandbustlingaroundthehoteluntilIwasreadytocomeback.
Iwouldn’tstayawayforlong.Iwouldn’tputthatburdenonthem.Butforthemoment,Iwasn’tcomfortablebeingunderadifferentroofthanmyson.AndKnoxseemedtofeelthesame.WhileI’dkeptmymindoccupiedbycleaningthehouseanddoinglaundry,he’dbeenonhisfeetinthekitchen,preppingfortheChristmasdinnerwe’dhaveattheranchtomorrow.
MaybeIdidn’thaveanyChristmascheer,buttherewasn’taplaceI’dratherspendmyholidaythanwithhisfamily.
I’dlostallfaithinmyown.
Mymotherhadtriedtocallonce.I’ddeclinedit,optingforatexttoletherknowthatDrakewasokayandhome.She’dcalledfourtimessince.Iftheycontinued,maybenextweekI’danswer.Maybenot.
Itwasastrangefeelingtoloseyourfamily.ItwouldhavebeenheartbreakinghadKnox’snotalreadyclaimedmeastheirown.
AnnehadbeenoverthreetimessinceFriday,HarrisonandGriffintwice.EloisehadcomeonFridaynightafterwe’dreturnedfromthatmotel.Taliahadbeenrightbehindher,insistingondoingaquickcheckuptomakesureDrakewasfine.AndthenLylaandMateohadshownwithdinner.
Theonlyfamilymemberwehadn’tseenwasWinn.
Andshewastheonewe’dbeenachingtosee.
“Memphis,”Knoxcalledfromthelivingroom.“Winn’shere.”
“Finally,”Ibreathed.TheT-shirtI’dbeenfoldingploppedintothebasket.IsweptDrakeintomyarmsandcarriedhimdownthehallway.
KnoxopenedthedoorforWinn,kissinghercheekasshecameinside.“Hi.”
“Hi.”Shesmiledatusboth.“Sorrytodothistoday.ButIfiguredyouguyswereprobablyanxioustoknowwhatwashappeninganditwouldbebetternowthantomorrowwitheveryonearound.”
“Please.”Myheartwasinmythroat.
Itwasearlystill,justteninthemorning.OnlyyesterdayWinnhadtoldustheywerestillquestioningAverieandJill.Buttimehadtickedbyslowlyandeveryhourspentwaitinghadfeltlikeaweek.
“Canwegetyouanything?”Knoxasked,escortinghertothelivingroom.“Water?”
“No,I’mgood.”Shepressedahandtoherbellythatwasjustbarelybeginningtoshow,thentookaseatinthechairsoKnoxandIcouldsitsidebysideonthecouch.
HeliftedDrakefrommyarmsandlaidhimontheplaymatbesideourfeet.Thenheleanedforward,elbowstoknees,andgaveWinnthenodtostart.
“AverieandJillbothrequestedlawyers,whichhasslowedtheprocessdown.ButJillhasfinallystartedcooperating.Andwe’vegotsomeevidencetohelpfillinthegapswithAverie’ssideofthestory.”
“WassheanFBIagent,Averie?”
Winnshookherhead.“No.”
“Butsheshowedmeabadge.”Ithadbeeninablackwalletthatshe’dflippedopenwhenI’dseenheroutsidemytownhouse.
“Wedidfindabadgeonherperson.Itwasafake.Agoodfake.Therewasnowayyou’dknow.”
“Soshetrickedme.”Myheartsank.“ShewasjusttryingtogetinformationonOliver.Why?”
“Fromwhatwewereabletofindonherphone,she’sgotalotofvideofootageofOliver.WhenIsayalot,it’sthesortIwouldexpecttoseefromastalker.”
“WhenItalkedtoOliver,hesoundedlikehe’dalreadydismissedher,”Isaid.“Ifhewasbeingstalked,wouldn’theknow?”
“Notnecessarily.Shealsohadvideosofyourfather.Idoubtheknewshewasfollowinghimeither.”
“Why?”Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tunderstandwhyanyofthiswashappening.”
“Youandyourfamilywereatarget.”Winngavemeasadsmile.“I’mguessingthatAveriewasofferedmoneyfromOlivertostayquietabouttheirrelationship.”
Ihuffed.“HeprobablypaidherthefiftygrandIdidn’ttake.”
“Afterward,shemusthavelearnedaboutyouandyourfamily.ThoughtthatifOliverwouldpayher,youwouldtoo.Anditwouldbeaneasywaytomakemoney.”
“YouthinksheknowshowmuchMemphisisworth?”Knoxasked.
Winnnodded.“Ido.”
“I’mworthnothing,”Isaid.“Notanymore.”
Knoxputhishandonmyknee.“Idoubtshesawitthatway.”
“Shecouldhavegonetohiswife,”Isaid.
“Nah.”Knoxsighed.“Toodangerous.”
Iwastheeasyroutetomillions.ExceptIdidn’thavemillions.Notanymore.“WhywouldshewantDrake?”
“ThisiswhereJillcomesintoplay,”Winnsaid.“Again,withoutaconfession,Ican’tbesure,butIsuspectthatafteryourfatherdeniedhermoney,shedecidedsheneededmoreammunition.Specifically,apaternitytest.Somethingtoholdoverhishead,maybeOliver’stoo.”
“EnterJill,”Knoxmumbled.
“She’sapieceofwork.”Winnrolledhereyes.“Shedoesn’tthinkshedidanythingwrong.Averiereachedouttoherweeksago.Fosteredsomesortofrelationship.ToldherthatshewasDrake’saunt.Thatherbrotherwashisfather.Averie’sstorywasthatyourefusedtoadmitDrakewasherbrother’sson.Andbeforetheycouldgetanswers,youfledNewYork.”
Myjawdropped.“What?AndJillbelievedher?”
“Apparently.They’dbecomefriends.JillthoughtshewashelpingDrakegetreunitedwithhisfamily.”
“Oh,Ihateher.”Myteethgroundtogether.
Knoxseethedatmyside.“Thatfuckingbitch.”
“AverieconvincedJillthatsheneededherhelpbuttheycouldn’tmeetinQuincy.Thatyoumightrecognizeher.Itwastoomuchofariskthatyou’dtakeDrakeanddisappearlikeyouhadinNewYork.SoJillagreedtotakeDrakeandmeetheratthatmotel.Itturnsout,weweren’tallthatfarbehindher.Thirtyminutes,maybe.Shethoughtshe’dbebackintownbyfiveandyou’dneverbethewiser.ExceptittooklongeratthemotelbecausethemoneyAveriepromisedJillwasn’tthere.”
“Wait.”Knoxheldupafinger.“Money?”
“Onehundredthousanddollars.Averiesaiditwasarewardher‘brother’waspayingtoanyonewhohelpedreunitehimwithhisson.”
“ButAveriedidn’thavethemoney,”Isaid.
Winnshookherhead.“NoandJillrefusedtoleavewithoutit.”
“AndJillbelievedallofthis?”Iasked.
“Idon’tknow.”Winnshrugged.“It’swhatshe’sclaiming.”
“Doyouthinkit’sthetruth?”Knoxasked.
“Unfortunately,yes.Jill’spanicked.Idon’tthinkshe’sgotthegutstoliewhenshe’sstaringatakidnappingcharge.”
“Ofcourseit’strue.ShethinksI’mahorriblemother,”Isaid.“ShewasprobablyenamoredwithAverieandthinkingDrakewouldbebetteroffwithoutme.”
Knoxputhisarmaroundmyshoulders.“You’renotahorriblemother.She’sfuckingcrazy,honey.”
“ThenwhatamIforleavingDrakewithher?”
Hiseyessoftened.“Ilefthimtheretoo.Sodidotherparents.Don’tputthisonyourshoulders.It’sonhers.Hersalone.”
“Ishouldhavetrustedmyinstincts.”Andtheguiltforignoringthemwouldplaguemeforyearstocome.
“Knoxisright,Memphis,”Winnsaid.“Thisisnotyourfault.”
“DoyouthinkAveriewasreallyafterhisDNA?OrwasshegoingtotakeDrake?”
“MyhunchisDNA,”Winnsaid.“IaskedJillifshewasundertheimpressionthatAverieintendedtotakeDrakeaway.Shesaidallshewantedwashissalivaandahairsample.Thatshehardlysparedhimaglance.”
“Becausehewasn’ttheendgame.”Knoxhuffed.“Shewasafterthemoney.”
Winnnodded.“It’salotofspeculationatthispoint,butmostofthetime,ourspeculationturnsouttobeclosetothetruth.”
Mymindwasspinningagain.Thoughithadn’treallystoppedsinceFriday.
“What’snext?”Knoxasked.
“Becausethisisacaseofchildabduction,I’vereachedouttotheFBI.They’vegottheresourceswedon’ttoexamineAverie’slifeinNewYork.Iwanttheinvestigationtobeasthoroughaspossibleinthehopesthatshespendsalongwhileinprison.”
“Good.”Theairrushedfrommylungs.“WhataboutOliver?Willtheyspeaktohim?”
“Iexpecttheywill.And,Iexpect,aftereverythingyou’vetoldme,hewilldenyknowingyou.”
“Finebyme.”
Ihadnointentionofmentioninghisnameagain,eveniftheFBIcameknockingonmydoor.IfOliver’swifefoundoutthathewasanunfaithfulbastard,thatwashisproblem.Itwasn’tcomingfrommylips.
“Theywilltakeoverandbringinfederalprosecutors,”Winnsaid.“I’llkeepintouchwiththeleadagentonthecase.Hopefullythey’llkeepusapprisedastowhat’sgoingon.Butmostly,wewait.Youdoyourbesttogetonwithyourlives.”
Itdidn’tfeellikeenough.Therewasn’tenoughclosure.
ButIsuspecteditwouldbealltheclosurewe’dget.
“Thankyouforcomingoutheretoday,”ItoldWinn.
“I’msorryIdon’thavemoreforyou.”Shestoodandwefollowed,walkinghertothedoor.“Seeyoutomorrow?”
“Yep.”Knoxnodded.“MerryChristmasEve.”
“MerryChristmasEve.”Shepulledmeintoahug.“You’reagoodmother,Memphis.Neverdoubtthat.”
“Thankyou.”Ihuggedhertighter,hopingthatonedayI’dbelievethosewords.Maybeintime,whenJillandAverieFlannaganwerejustadimnightmarefromthepast.
Winnwavedandslippedoutside.Ithadbeensnowingalldayinfluffy,whiteflakesthatdustedherdarkhair.Whenhertaillightswereablurdownthelane,Knoxclosedthedoor.
“Thisfeels…”
“Unfinished.”Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme.“Idoubtshe’llconfess,telluseverything,butdamnit,Iwantanswers.”
ThatwasexactlyhowIfelttoo.“Howdowegetpastthis?Howdowegetpasttheworstdays?”
“Bymakingmoreofthebest.”Hekissedthetopofmyhairandletmego,shiftingtodigsomethingfromhispocket.“Iwasgoingtowaituntiltomorrow.Giveittoyouwhenweopenedgifts.Butaftereverythingthat’shappened,waitingfeelslikewastingtime.”
Ishifted,tryingtospywhathehadinhisfist.Buthe’dcloseditinhispalm.
Itwasonlyafterhedroppedtoakneethatheloosenedhishand,revealingaperfectdiamondring.
“Marry—”
“Yes.”Idroppedtomyknees,notlettinghimfinish,andsmashedmylipstohis.
Hesweptmeup,notmissingabeatashistonguesweptagainstmine,andcarriedmetothecouch,trappingmebeneathhisbroadframe.ThenhekissedmelikeIneededhimtokissme.Liketherewerenounansweredquestions.Liketherewasnoevilinthisworld.Likeallweneededwasrighthere,inthishouseandinthistown.
Knoxkissedmeandmadetodaymyfourth-bestday.
DrakesquawkedthemomentKnox’shandslidbeneaththehemofmyshirt.
Hetorehismouthawayandshotascowltowardtheplaymat.“Son,wewillworkonyourtiming.”
Son.“Heis,youknow?Yourson.”
“Iknow.We’llgetmarried,thenmakehimofficiallymine.Whateverittakes.”
“Okay.”Itfeltstrangetosmileaftereverythingthathadhappened.ButIdiditanyway.Ismiledsowideitpinchedmycheeks.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo.”Hekissedmeagain.“Untiltheendofmydays,Memphis.You,me,Drake.We’regood,honey.We’resofuckinggood.Andwe’lladdinabunchofbabiestothemixtokeepitinteresting.”
Ilaughed.“Oh,really?”
“Iwantabig,chaoticfamilytofillthishouse.Iwanttostepontoysinthemiddleofthenight.Iwanttobreakapartfightsandbandageupskinnedknees.Iwantthemess.Iwantthepassion.Iwanttowatchyougrowourkids.”
Inhispiercingblueeyes,Isawthatfuture.Itwasfullofbestdays.Itwasfullofloveforthemanwho’dstolenmyheart.“Promise?”
Knoxgrinned.“Iswearit.”EPILOGUEKNOX
Oneyearlater…
WithmyhandsplayedonMemphis’sroundedbelly,Ilockedeyeswithmysister.“You’resure?”
Taliascowled.“EveryappointmentyouaskmeifI’msure.”
“Well?Areyou?”
“Iwouldn’tsaythatMemphisandthebabywerefineiftheyweren’tactuallyfine.”Sherolledhereyesandglanceddownatmywifewhowasrestingontheexamtable.“He’sexhausting.”
“Trylivingwithhim.ThismorningIbenttopickuponeofDrake’stoysandhepracticallytackledmetograbitfirst.”
“Ithoughtitmightbetooheavy.”
Memphisgavemeaflatlook.“IfDrake,theone-year-old,canpickitup,it’snottooheavy.”
“Justbeingcautious.”Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.
Memphiswassixmonthspregnant,andconsideringwhathadhappenedwhenshe’dgoneintolaborwithDrake,Iwasn’ttakinganychances.TheycouldcomplainwitheverybreaththatIwasbeingoverprotective.Itwouldn’tmakemechange.I’dbeenlikethissincethedayshe’dcomeoutofthebathroomwithapositivepregnancytestinherhand.Ifpickingupeverytoy,fussingoverMemphis’severymoveandpushingalittleatthesecheckupswastheonlycontrolIhadduringthispregnancy,sobeit.
“How’sherweight?Issheeatingenough?”IaskedTalia.“Shedidn’thavemuchdinnerlastnight.”
“BecauseIwasn’tveryhungry.You’recookingformesixtimesaday.Ican’tkeepup.”Memphisplantedahandonthetable,butbeforeshecouldpushherselfup,Igrippedherelbow.Itearnedmeanothereyerollfrommysister.Stilldidn’tcare.
“Herweightisfine,Knox.Everythingisfine.Wouldyouchill?God,you’reworsethanGriffin,andIneverthoughtI’dsaythosewords.”
Ifrowned.“AmI?”
Talianodded.“Tentimesworse.”
“Hmm.Whatever.”
Memphissimplyshookherheadandlaughed.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo.”Ibenttokissher,lingeringlongenoughforTaliatoclearherthroat.“Okay.We’dbettergethomeandrelieveMom.”
“I’llwalkyouguysout,”Taliasaid.“You’remylastappointmentfortoday.”
“Wanttocomeoverfordinner?”Iasked.
“Sure.It’snotlikeIhaveanythingoranyonewaitingformeathome.”Shesighed.“Letmeduckintothelockerroomandgrabmythings.I’llmeetyouatthefrontdesk.”
ItookMemphis’shandandhelpedheroffthetable.Thenoncehercoatwason,wewanderedthehallwaysofthehospital.Myphonevibratedinmypocketaswereachedthewaitingroomonthefirstfloor.AtextfromMateo.
“Lookatthis.”ItwistedthescreentoMemphis.
MateowasflyingplanesasabushpilotinAlaska,shuttlingpeopleandsuppliestoremoteareasofthestate.Today’sphotowasofruggedmountainsdrapedinsnowatsunset.
“It’sgoingtobeweirdnothavinghimhomeforChristmas,”Isaid,sendinghimaquicktexttoflysafe.
“Yourmomsaidthesamethingearliertoday.”
Weallmissedhim,buthe’dneededtogetawayanddosomethingofhisown.He’dbeengonefornearlyayear,havingleftnotlongaftertheholidays.Mateohadn’tcomeoutandsaidit,butIgottheimpressionhe’dfeltlikeashadowhere.Heneededspaceandtimetofindhispassion.Maybeitwasflying.
Ionlyhopedthatoneday,hiswingswouldleadhimhome.
Thedoorsofthehospital’sentranceslidopenandamanstrodeinside.
Iglancedover,thendidadoubletake.“Holyshit.That’sFosterMadden.”
“Who?”Memphisasked,trackingFoster’spathtothereceptiondesk.
“FosterMadden.He’sthereigningmiddleweightchampion.”
“Huh?”
“Rememberthatfightwewatchedthissummer.Theonewheretheguyknockedhisopponentoutinthefirstround.”
Memphisblinked.
“Honey,you’rekillingme.”
Shesmirkedandjabbedherelbowinmyribs.“Justkidding.Ididn’trecognizehim,butyes,Irememberthatfight.”
“That’shim.”
“Iwonderwhyhe’sinQuincy.”
Ishrugged.“Haveyouseenhimatthehotel?”
“No,butifhecheckedintoday,Iwouldhavemissedit.”
We’dbothtakenthedayofftodosomeChristmasshoppingwithDrake.Thenwe’dmetMomathomesoshecouldbabysitwhilewe’dcometothehospitalforMemphis’sappointment.
“Ilikethatname,”shesaid.“Foster.Whatdoyouthink?”
“Meh.”Fromthemomentwe’dfoundoutwewerehavingaboy,she’dbeentossingoutnameideasconstantly.Andeachofthem,I’dnixed.
“Igiveup.”Shetossedherhandsintheair.“You’reimpossible.”
“Hey,uh…sorrytointerrupt.”Fosterwavedtogetmyattention,thenhookedhisthumboverhisshouldertowardthedesk.“Doyouknowifanyone’sworkingheretoday?”
“Thenursemighthaveleftalready.”Theclockshoweditwasfive.“Areyoulookingforaroom?Wecouldpointyouintherightdirection.”
Behindhim,adooropenedandTaliacamestridingoutwithasmile.Herlongdarkponytaildrapedoveroneshoulderandshe’dpulledonajacketoverherbaby-bluescrubtop.
“I’mlookingforadoctorwhoworkshere,”Fostersaid.“TaliaEden.”
WhywouldFosterMaddenbelookingforTalia?
Talia’ssmilefell.Herfootstepshalted.FasterthanI’deverseenhermove,shedartedbehindthereceptioncounter.
“Uh…”Whatthefuck?
Fosterglancedoverhisshoulder,followingmygaze,butshe’dcrouchedsolowthatitwaslikeshe’dvanished.
“YoumighttrytheER,”Memphisblurted.“Maybetheycantrackherdownforyou.Justheadoutthedoorsanddownthesidewalktotheothersideofthebuilding.Youcan’tmissit.”
“Appreciateit.”Fosternodded,thenasquicklyashe’dcomein,hewasgone.
MemphisandIsharedalook,waitinguntilhewasoutofsight.
“Coast’sclear,”Icalled.
Taliainchedup,hereyesbarelyoverthecounter’sledge.“Ishegone?”
“Yeah.”Inodded.“Wanttotellmewhyyou’rehidingfromFosterMadden?”
“Nope.”Shegottoherfeet,tiptoeingaroundthedesk.Hereyesstayedgluedtotheglasswindows,checkingtomakesurehewasgone.“Ishouldgo.”
“Whataboutdinner?”Memphisasked.
“Raincheck.”Andbeforewecouldsayanotherword,sheran—notjogged,butsprinted—outthedoors.ShehitthesidewalkanddidonequickcheckforFoster,thenboltedtohercarintheparkinglot.
“Okay,”Idrawled.“Whatthehellwasthatabout?”
“Doessheknowhim?”
“Noidea.”Apparentlyenoughtorecognizehisvoiceandfromtheback.“I’llcallherlater.”
NotthatIexpectedhertotellmeanything.Taliawasalotlikeme.Ifshedidn’twanttotalkaboutsomething,shewouldn’t.LylaandEloiseworetheiremotionsontheirprettyfacesfortheworldtosee.Taliakeptherslockedbehindourfamily’ssignatureblueeyes.
“I’msureit’snothing.”IkissedMemphis’stemple,thenhelpedherintothecar.Ididnotwantmywifestressedaboutmysister.“IgotanemailfromLestertoday.”
“Really?”Memphissatupstraighter.“Whatdidhesay?”
“He’scomingtoQuincyinJanuary.Themagazinewantshimtodoabestofthebestarticleorsomething.”
“Andhepickedyou.Ofcoursehe’dpickyou.”Shedidafistpump.“Thisisamazing.”
Lester’sarticlefromlastyearhadbroughtmorepeoplethanI’dexpectedtoQuincy.Thehotelwaspoisedtohaveitsbiggestyearinhistoryandtherestauranthaddoubledmyinitialincomeprojections.
Thatkindofmoneymeantmorestaff.AndmorestaffmeantthatMemphisandIhadmorefreedomandflexibility.
Shewasn’tworkingasahousekeeperthesedays,butonceortwiceaweek,she’dcoverthefrontdeskbecauseshegenuinelyenjoyedtheworkandhelpingEloiseatthehotel.Shelovedbeingapartofthefamilybusiness.
“I’vebeenthinkingaboutthatweddinginMay,”Memphissaid.“MaybeIshouldtellthebrideno.”
“Absolutelynot.”
Shesighed.“We’regoingtohavesomuchgoingon.Drake’sonlyone.We’llhaveanewborn.Ourscheduleissobusyalready.Idon’tknowifit’ssmarttoaddaweddingplanningjobintothemix.”
“Doyouwanttodoit?”
“Well…yeah.”
Ireachedovertotakeherhand.“Thenwe’llfindaway.”
IfMemphis’sdreamwastoplanweddingsandevents,I’ddowhatevernecessarytomakethathappen.
She’dplannedtwoweddingsinthepastyear—oneofwhichwasourown.We’dgottenmarriedontheranch,inameadowfilledwithsummerwildflowers.Thenwe’dhadareceptionatthehotel,crammingthespacewithfriendsandfamilywho’dalldancedbesideusbeneathablanketoffairylights.
Twodayslater,we’dgonetothecourthouse,whereI’dadoptedDrake.
WewereallEdens.AndI,forone,hadbeenhappytoseetheWardnamevanish
ContactwithMemphis’sparentshadbeenminimalthispastyear.She’dtoldthemweweregettingmarried,sansanactualinvite.Hermotherhadsentflowers.Hersisterhadsentacard.Notawordfromherfatherandbrother,butMemphishadn’tcared.She’dalreadydecidedthatifbysomemiraclesheinheritedhertrustfund,she’dtakethemoneyandsetitasideforthekids.
WeweresixmonthsintothispregnancyandshehadyettoinformBeatriceandVictor.Maybeshewouldeventually,probablyafterthebabywasborn,butastimepassed,aswebuiltourownlife,sheseemedmorecontentwiththeirdistance
Isuspectedthatdistancewouldbecomepermanent.
Shedidn’tneedthatfamily.
Wewerebuildingourown.
AndI’dbeoverprotectiveeverystepoftheway.
IthadbeennearlyayearsincetheincidentwithJillandAverieFlannagan.ThereweredayswhenIdidn’tthinkaboutit,butthosewererare.Thefearswereaconstantnuisance,andIonlyhopedthatintime,they’dsurfacelessandless.
AverieFlannaganwouldbespendingmostofthedecadeinapenitentiary.Thatbitchcouldrotinjail.
Jillwasnearingtheendofherprisonsentence,andthoughshe’dbereleasedonparolesoon,Idoubtedwe’dseeherfaceinQuincyeveragain.
Justlikewehadn’theardfromOliveragain.TheFBIhadquestionedMemphisandmeonceafterDrake’skidnapping.Duringherstatement,Memphishadn’tmentionedOliver’sname.She’dsimplyspokentoAverie’sblackmailattemptandgoingintodaycaretofindDrakemissing.Ifthey’dcontactedOliverduringtheirinvestigation,wedidn’tknowanddidn’tcare.Withanyluck,he’dbelongforgotten.
Islowedattheturntohome,easingoffthehighwayanddownourquietlane.“WhataboutHarrison?”
“Yourdad?”Memphisasked.“Whatabouthim?”
“No,thename.Harrison.”
“Oh.”Shesplayedahandoverherbelly.“Ithinkthatwouldbelovely.”
“Metoo.”Igrinned.“ThenthenextonewecannameAnnie,forMom.”
Shelaughed.“You’realreadythinkingofthenextoneandthisoneisn’tevenbornyet.”
“Youcanpickforthetwoafterthat.”
Memphisshookherhead,herchocolate-browneyessparkling.“Youwantfive?Thisisnewstome.”
“I’mgoodforsix.”
“Five.”Shedrewalineintheair.“That’smylimit.”
“Five.”Ipulledintothegarageand,assoonasthetruckwasoff,leanedovertheconsoletofinishthekissI’dstartedatthehospital.
ThelofthadbeenmostlyemptysinceMemphishadmovedout.ButeverytimeIwalkedupthosestairs,I’dthinkofthenightsI’dspentpacingthefloor.
ThenightswhenI’dfalleninlovewithalittleboy.Andthewomanofmydreams.
ThebestnightsonJuniperHill.
WantmoreMemphisandKnox?DownloadaBonusEpilogueHERE
TheEdensseriescontinueswithGarnetFlatsGARNETFLATS
TaliaEdenlovedFosterMaddenforoneyear,twomonthsandelevendays.Itwasonday438thatherlovedied.Thedayhechosetomarryherbestfriend.ThedayshevowednevertothinkofFosteragain.
UntilyearslaterwhenhehastheaudacitytoshowupinhersmallhometownofQuincy,beggingforherhelp.
Theinkonhisdivorcepapersisbarelydry,yethecomesarmedwithapologiesandpromises.Sheknowsit’sallaploy.Fosteristhekingofgamesandsecrets.Buthe’sgotdelusionsthesizeofMontanaifhethinksshe’llhelphimtrainforaworldchampionshipfight.
ExceptTaliahasforgottenexactlywhatmadeFosterfamous.Themanhasdedicatedhislifetovictory.He’ssteadfast.He’sdetermined.Andhewon’tstopfightinguntilhe’swonherheart.
OrderGarnetFlatsACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ThankyouforreadingJuniperHill!ThisseriesissospecialtomeandIlovetheEdenfamily.IhopeyouenjoyedMemphisandKnox’sstorytoo.
Specialthankstomyeditingandproofreadingteam:ElizabethNover,JulieDeaton,KarenLawsonandJudyZweifel.ThankyoutoSarahHansenforthebeautifulcover.
ThankyoutoallthemembersofPerry&Nashandthewonderfulbloggerswhohelppromotemystories.Itrulyhavethebestreadersintheworld.
Andlastly,thankyoutomyincrediblefamily,whosupportsmewitheachandeverybook.ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
DevneyisaUSATodaybestsellingauthorwholivesinWashingtonwithherhusbandandtwosons.BornandraisedinMontana,sheloveswritingbookssetinhertreasuredhomestate.Afterworkinginthetechnologyindustryfornearlyadecade,sheabandonedconferencecallsandprojectschedulestoenjoyaslowerpaceathomewithherfamily.Writingonebook,letalonemany,wasnotsomethingsheeverexpectedtodo.Butnowthatshe’sdiscoveredhertruepassionforwritingromance,shehasnoplanstoeverstop.
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