The Edens 4) Crimson River-Amazon Kindle

JASPERVALE
Copyright?2022byDevneyPerryLLC
Allrightsreserved.
ISBN:978-1-957376-21-9
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,distributedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,includingphotocopying,recordingorotherelectronicormechanicalmethods,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionoftheauthorexceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualevents,localesorpersons,livingordead,iscoincidental.
Editing:
ElizabethNover,RazorSharpEditing
Proofreading:
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Cover:
SarahHansen?OkayCreationsOTHERTITLESTheEdensSeries
ChristmasinQuincy–Prequel
IndigoRidge
JuniperHill
GarnetFlats
JasperVale
CrimsonRiverCliftonForgeSeries
SteelKing
RivenKnight
StonePrincess
NoblePrince
FallenJester
TinQueenJamisonValleySeries
TheCoppersmithFarmhouse
TheCloverChapel
TheLuckyHeart
TheOutpost
TheBitterrootInn
TheCandlePalaceMaysenJarSeries
TheBirthdayList
LetterstoMollyLarkCoveSeries
Tattered
Timid
Tragic
Tinsel
TimelessRunawaySeries
RunawayRoad
WildHighway
QuarterMiles
ForsakenTrail
DottedLinesCalamityMontanaSeries
TheBribe
TheBluff
TheBrazen
TheBully
TheBrawl
TheBroodStandalones
Ivy
RiftsandRefrains
ALittleTooWild
CoachHolidayBrothers
TheNaughty,TheNiceandTheNanny
ThreeBells,TwoBowsandOneBrother’sBestFriend
APartridgeandaPregnancyCONTENTS
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Epilogue
CrimsonRiver
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorCHAPTERONEELOISE
TheBellagiofountainsprayedwaterhighintotheairaslightslitupthestreams.Thewhitehotelstoodproudlyinthebackdropasthewatertwirledanddancedintimewiththemusic,adramaticviolinconcerto.
“Itlookslikemoonbeams.”Isighed,leaningmyheadagainstLyla’sshoulder.“Thisismagical.WeshouldputawaterfountaininTheEloise.”
Mysistergiggled.“GoodluckconvincingDad.”
“Canyouimagine?”Isnorted.“First,he’dtellmeno.Then,he’dgivemethatscowlyfacewherehiseyebrowscometogetherandhetiltshisheadtotheside.”
“Wheneverhegivesmethescowlyface,headdstheblinkyeyes,”shesaid.
“Oh,yeah.Theblinkyeyes.Iforgotaboutthose.”Dadwouldblinktenorelevenortwentytimesinarow,likehewastryingtofigureoutifIwasjokingorserious.“YouknowwhatIthinkiscrap?I’veneverseenDadgivethescowly-blinkycombotoGriffin,KnoxorMateo.”
“Right?Hesavesitforusgirls.”
“Unfair.”
AccordingtoDad,ourbrothersdidn’ttypicallycausehimthesamekindofstressheclaimedcamewithdaughters.Whateverthatmeant.
“Areyoudrunk?”Lylaasked.
“Yep.”Inodded.“You?”
Lylahiccupped.“Thatmeantyes.”
Iloopedmyarmswithhers,snugglingcloserasadreamysmilesettledonmyface.
Mylimbswerealittleloose.Myheadwasalittlefuzzy.Myheartwasalittlelight,floatingthroughtheairlikemist.Drunkandhappy,likethewaterfountainshow.
“Tonightwasfun,”Imurmured.
“Superfun.I’mgladwecame.AndI’mgladFosterwonhisfight.”
“Metoo.”Iletgoofherarm,standingtall,thenIcuppedmyhandstomymouth.“GoFosterMadden!”
“Eloise.”Lylaswattedmyarmasthepeopleclusteredaroundusshotmeglares.“Wouldyoushutup?”
Ilaughed.“Oh,whocaresifI’mloud?We’llneverseethesefunhatersagain.”
Tomorrow,we’dflyhometoMontana.We’dsaygoodbyetothemoonbeamsandhellotoreality.
LylaandIhadcometoLasVegastowatchaUFCevent.FosterMadden,oursisterTalia’sboyfriendandthereigningmiddleweightchampionoftheworld,haddefendedhistitleanddefeatedhisopponentintonight’sfight.
He’dsurprisedTaliabyflyingusdown—hehadn’twantedhertositinthearenaalone.Butthiswasjustaquicktrip.LylaandIeachhadtogetbacktoQuincyforworkonMonday,andtomorrow’searlyalarmclockwouldbebrutal.
We’ddecidedtopartytonightanyway.Tohaveafewdrinks.Todance.Tomakethemostofourcuteoutfits.Lylahadonanavy,one-shoulderjumpsuitthatbroughtouttheblueofhereyes.I’doptedforasimpleblacktubetopwithmytightestjeansandtallestheels.Itwasrarethateitherofusdressedupthesedays—demandingjobswerehellonasociallife.
Tonighthadbeenamuch-neededbreak.Ionlywisheditweren’tcomingtoanend.
Thefountainshowfinalefinishedtoosoon,andthecrowdbesidetheBellagio’slakedispersed.
Chase,thekidassignedtohangwithustonight,wasstandingafewfeetaway,dutifullywaitingforLylaandmewithhishandsclaspedinfrontofhimlikehewasourownpersonalsecurityguard.Technically,hewas.
BeforeFosterhadsweptTaliaawaytocelebratehisvictoryintheirhotelsuite,he’dinsistedChaseaccompanyustonight.HeworkedforFoster’smanagerasanassistantanddidn’tlookadayolderthaneighteen.IsuspectedthattheIDhe’dusedtogetintotheclubtonightwasn’texactlylegal.
Consideringhe’dbeenrelegatedtobabysittingduty,hewasprobablyatthebottomoftheUFCfoodchain.Poorguy.He’dfollowedusaroundallnightwithoutcomplaintbuthelookeddeadonhisfeet.
“Readytogotothehotel?”heasked.
IleanedinclosetowhisperinLyla’sear.“Thinkhe’llcryifwesayno?”
Shecoveredherlaughwithahand.“Yep.”
Chaseyawned.Thatdamnyawnwasthereasonwe’dlefttheclubbeforemidnight.
“DoyouthinkJasperisstillattheclub?”Lylaasked.
Ishrugged.“Idunno.”
JasperValewasFoster’strainerandbestfriend.He’dtoldusabouttheafter-partyattheclubandinvitedusalong.IthadmostlybeenguysfromtheUFCworld,acquaintancesofJasper’sandFoster’sfromwhenthey’dlivedinVegas.ButithadbeennicetoknowatleastonefaceinthecrowdbesidesLyla’s.
“Doyouwanttogobackandfindout?”Sayyes.Moredancing.Moredrinks.Sayyessayyessayyes.
Chase’sfacefell.Hegavemethispitiful,helplessplea.
Oh,damnyou,Chase.
Attheclub,afterhistwentiethyawn,I’dtoldhimhecouldleave,buthe’drefused.Andsoeventhoughwe’dbeenhavingablast,I’dtoldLylaitwastimetomakeourwaybacktothehotel.Ihateditwhenotherpeopleweren’thavingagoodtime.
Chasemightbeyoungbuthewasclearlysmart.Injusthours,he’dfiguredoutIwasthebleedingheartoftheEdenfamily.Hewaswieldingthatyawntoshoousalongforbedtime.
Boo.“Oh,nevermind,”Imuttered.“Weshouldgo.”
“Yeah,myfeetarekillingmeintheseshoes,”Lylasaid.
“Marchon,Chase.”Aswestartedforourhotel,thechillinthenightairraisedgoosebumpsonmyforearms.Itwascoldtonight,evenforthedesert.InearlyMarch,afterthesunset,thetemperaturesdropped.
“Brr.It’sco—”Igasped,pattingmyarms.“Oh,shit.Where’smyjacket?”
We’dbeenonourwaybacktothehotelfromtheclubwhenwe’dpassedthefountain,andI’dmadeourgroupdetoursowecouldwatchtheshow.Ispunaround,scanningthespotwherewe’dbeenstanding,butmyjacketwasn’tanywhereinsight.
“Imusthaveforgottenitattheclub.”Igroaned.StupidEloise.“Ilovethatjacket.”
Itwasmyfavoriteblackleathercoat.Nottoothick.Nottoothin.Thesleeveswereevenlongenoughformyarms,whichwasn’teasyformetofind.
“Wecangobackandgetit.”ItwasLylawhoyawnedthistime.
SheownedacoffeeshopathomeinQuincy,andconsideringthathernormalwake-uptimewaswellbeforedawn,Iwasproudofherforstayingupsolate.Normallyshewasinbedbynine.Lylaprobablywouldn’tevenneedanalarminthemorning.Meanwhile,therewasaveryrealchanceshe’dhavetodragmeoutofbed.
“We’llgotothesuitesoyoucangotobed,”Isaid.“ThenmeandChasewillhikebacktotheclubformyjacket.”
“Areyousure?”
Inodded,linkedmyarmwithhersandsignaledtoChase.“Leadon,Crouton.”
Chase’slipspursed.
“Idon’tthinkhelikesmynickname,”ItoldLyla.
Shegiggledaswefellinstep,ourheelsclickingonthesidewalkaswetrudgedtoourhotel,stoppingoutsidethebankofelevators.Fosterhadgottenusourownsuitefortonightwithtwoseparatebedrooms.ThankGod.Lylawasabedhog.
“Don’tgoanywherewithoutChase.”Lylapointedafingeratmynose.
Iraisedahandinsalute.“Ma’am,yes,ma’am.”
“Eww.”Shescruncheduphernose.“Don’tma’amme.”
“Madam?”
“QueenLylawillsuffice.”Shetriedacurtsybutstumbled,tootipsytokeepherbalance.
“OhmyGod.”Ijumpedtosnagherhand,helpingherstandupright.
“Heelsaretheenemy.”Sheshotafrownatherfeet,thensteppedintotheopenelevator.“Seeyouinabit?”
“Bebackinaflash.”Iwavedasthedoorsslidclosed,thengaveChasemyevilestsmile.“Let’sdoshots.”
Hisjawdropped.
“Kidding,”Isingsonged,retracingourstepsthroughthelobbyandoutside.
We’djustpassedthefountainagain,thewaterdarkandcalm,whenafamiliarfaceappearedonthesidewalkahead.
“Oh,hey.There’sJasper.”Ipointed.
Chaseraisedahand.
Jasperdidthesame.Andinhishandwasmyjacket.
“Yay.”Iclappedmyhandstogether,stoppingasJasperjoinedusonthesidewalk.“You’remyhero.Thankyou.”
“Welcome.”Heheldouttheblackleather,helpingmeslideitontomyarms.
Ismiledupathim,havingtocranemynecktokeephisgaze.Wow,hewastall.Whyhadn’tIrealizedhowtallhewasbefore?Hewasaboutthesameheightasmybrothers.“You’retall.Howtall?”
“Sixtwo.”Hisdeepvoicehadarasp,likehedidn’tuseitenoughsoitwasn’tsmooth.
“Youhaveanicevoice.”
Thecornerofhismouthquirked.“Areyoudrunk?”
“Oh,yeah.”Evenafterallthewalking,mybuzzwassolid.WouldIfeelgreatinsixhourswhenIhadtobeattheairport?Nope.
Jasper’seyescrinkledatthesides,likehethoughtIwasfunny.Notlaugh-out-loudfunny,obviously,butamusingfunny.
WasIfunny?IthoughtIwasfunny.“Chase,doyouthinkI’mfunny?”
Helookedatmeandblinkedtoomanytimes.
Ifrowned.“Mydaddoesthat.Thescowl-blinkcombo.Ihateit.Maybeit’saguything.ItalkalotwhenI’mdrunk.”
“Huh?”ChaseturnedtoJasper.“Ididn’tunderstandanyofthat.”
“Youcantakeoff,”Jaspersaid,comingtoChase’srescue.
“ButMr.MaddensaidIhadtostaywiththemuntiltheywerebackintheirsuite.”
“I’llmakesureshegetsback.”Jasperjerkedhischin.“Go.Havefun.”
“I’mgoingtosleep.”Chasetookastepbackward.Thenanother.Thenheturned,walkingsofastitwasnearlyajog.
“Bye!”Icalled.“Thankyouforbabysittingus!”
That’swhenChaseactuallystartedrunning.
“Idon’tthinkhelikedbabysitting,”ItoldJasper.“Canwewatchthefountainshowagain?”
“Sure.”Jasperwalkedtowardtheconcretehalfwallthatborderedthelake,findinganopenspace.
Isqueezedinbesidehim,restingmyforearmsontheflatsurface.ThenIproppedafootupbetweentheroundedcolumnsbeneath.“Ilikewaterfountains.”
“Thenyou’reintherightplace.”Jasperkepthiseyesaimedforward,overlookingthequietwaterasIstaredupathisprofile.
ItwasthenicestprofileI’deverseen.Hehadaperfectforehead.Nottooround.Nottooflat.Hisdarkbrownhairwaslongerontopandshorteratthesides,afewstrandsstickingupoutofplace.Hehadastrongchin,squareatthebottom.Softlipswithafullpout.Aclassicnoseexcepttherewasabumponthebridge,likeithadbeenbrokenbefore.
“Doesithurtwhenyoubreakyournose?”
“Yes.”Heglanceddownatme,hisbrowneyescatchingtheVegaslightsandgivingthemasparkle.
JasperhadlivedinMontanaformonths.Thereweren’talotofsingle,handsomemeninmysmallhometown,sowhenJasperhadarrivedinQuincy,hehadn’tgoneunnoticed.
Ormaybehehad.
Seriously,hewashot.Smokinghot.Ishouldhavebeencrushingonhimformonths.
Wasthisbeergoggles?I’dneverhadthembefore.ExceptIhadn’thadanybeertonight.JustthosevodkatonicsandtheshotsLylaandIhadtakenbeforewe’dlefttheclub,buttheyhadn’thitmeyet.
“You’reextremelyhot.”
Okay,maybetheshotswerekickinginafterall.
Jasperarchedaneyebrowthesamedarkshadeashishair.
“You’rekindagrumpyandbroodingtoo.Alsohot.”
“Doyoualwayssaywhat’sonyourmind?”
“OnlywhenI’mdrunk,remember?Italkalot.”
Jasperstareddownatme,somethingflashinginhisgaze,butIcouldn’tmakeitout.Thefuzzyedgesofmymindwerebeginningtogetfuzzier.
“Whatelse?”Jasperasked.
Istudiedhismouthashespoke,thewayheformedthewords.Theflexinthatsharp,chiseledjaw.“Whatelsewhat?”
“Whatelseisonyourmind?”
“Oh.”Iletmygazetraildownhischest,takinginhisbroadframestretchingtheblackT-shirtheworewithfadedjeans.Theshirt’scottonmoldedlikeasecondskintohisbicepsandshouldersbutwaslooseragainsthisstomach.Didhehaveasix-pack?Ibethehadasix-pack.“I’dkilltoseeyouwithoutyourshirton.”
Jasperbarkedalaugh.Itwashoarsetoo,likehedidn’tlaughenough.
Sad.ShouldIgivehimahug?
Toobusycontemplatingthatquestion,Ididn’trealizewhathewasdoinguntilitwastoolate.
Jasperreachedahandbehindhishead,fistinghisshirt.Whoosh
Shirtgone.
“Holy.Freaking.Abs.”Myjawdropped.“Six.Definitelysix.”
“Eight,”hecorrected.“Countagain.”
“Whoa.”Ireachedouttopetamuscle,justtomakesureitwasreal.Themusclesbunchedbeneathmyfingertips.
“Thattickles.”
“You’reticklish?Aww.That’sadorable.”
Hefrowned.“IthinkIlikeditbetterwhenyoucalledmegrumpyandbrooding.”
“Ow,ow!”Awomanwalkingbehindusdidacatcall.“Sweetie,ifyou’renotgonnadragthatmantoyourhotelroom,pleasesendhimtomine.PlanetHollywood.Room1132.”
Mycheeksflamed.
JasperwasFoster’sbestfriend.Icouldn’tdraghimtomyhotelroom,right?Right.Thatcouldgetawkward.ButIreallywantedhimtolosethosejeanstoo.Whatdidhislegslooklike?Werehisthighsasbulkyastheylooked?Weretheydustedwiththesamedarkhairthattrailedfromhisnaveltothewaistbandofhisjeans?Howfardidthattrailgo,anyway?
“Eloise.”
Mygazewhippeduptohisface.“Ilikehowyousaymyname.”
“You’reblushing.”Jasper’svoicedroppedtobarelyawhisper.Somethingelsecrossedhisgaze,maybeteasing,maybeflirting,butithappenedtoofastformysluggishbraintocatch.
“I’mdrunk,”Iblurted.
“SoamI.”
“Noway.”Mymouthparted.“Youare?”
“Yep.”Heleanedincloser,hiseyes,slightlyunfocused,driftingtomylips.
“Um,areyougoingtokissme?”
Jasperhummed.“Thinkingaboutit.”
Forthefirsttimetonight,Iwasspeechless.
Heleanedin.
Iliftedmychin.
Butthenagurglefilledtheairandbesideus,thequietpoolofwatereruptedintothosemoonbeamstreams.
Thepeoplearoundussurgedforward,forcingusagainsttheconcretebarrierandbreakingthemoment.
Bummer.Isighed,shiftingtowatchtheshow.
Jaspertuggedonhisshirt,thenleanedforwardtoo,ourshouldersbrushingasmusicfilledtheair.
Thesongwasdifferentthistime,anintensesymphonywithafasttempoandaheavydrumbeat.Thetimingofthemusicandlightsandmovementwassynchronizedflawlessly.
“It’sperfect,”Imurmured.“Howmanytriesdoyouthinkittookforthemtogetthisperfect?”
“Idon’tknow.”
Ileanedintohisarm,myheadhittinghisshoulder.Hedidn’tshiftornudgemeaway,soIdidn’tmove.“Ithinkperfectisoverrated.”
“Agreed.”
“WhenIwasakid,Iusedtogetsomadwhenstuffwasn’tperfect.LikeifIwasdrawingapictureandmessedup,Icouldn’tjusterasethemistakeorlivewithit.I’dhavetogetanewpieceofpaperandstartalloveragain.”
There’dbepilesofcrumpledpaperaroundmeandtearsdrippingdownmyfacebecauseIcouldn’tgetthepicturejustright.
“Idon’tknowwhathappenedorwhyIdidit,”Isaid.“OnedayIwastryingtocolormydadabirthdaycard.Heloveshorses,andwhenIaskedhimwhathewantedforabirthdaypresent,hetoldmetodrawhimahorse.Haveyouevertriedtodrawahorse?”
“No.”
“Well,trustme.They’rehard.Icouldn’tdoit.Ikepttryingandtrying.Ijustwantedtogivehimthathorseandmakehimhappy.AndIhadthisspecialpaperthatwasreallythick.Whatdotheycallthatpaper?”
“Cardstock.”
“Yeah,cardstock.It’shardtocrumplesoIrippedmymess-upsinhalfinstead.Anyway,Iwasonmylastsheetandscrewedupthehorse.ButIdidn’thaveanymorepaper.SoIstoleTalia’sboxofpaintsfromherbedroomandcoveredupmyuglyhorse.ItwasjustrandomswirlsofcolorbutIcoveredthewholepage,allthewaytotheedges.TherewaspainteverywherebythetimeIwasdone.TaliagotmadbecauseIusedherbrand-newpaints.MomgotmadbecauseImadeamessandsplatteredsomeonthefloor.ButIlovedthatcard.Dadhungitinhisoffice,eventhoughitwasn’tthehorsehewanted.It’sstilltheretoo.Andhedoesn’tknowthatunderneathalltheprettycolorsisareallyuglyhorse.”
Thefountainshowbeganthefinale,thewaterjetssprayingshootsashighintotheairasthey’dgo.
“Ilikeperfect,”Imurmured.“Ilikeimperfecttoo.Ilikewildandrecklessmomentsthatyouneverforget.”
Liketonight.
Oncemore,theshowendedtoosoon,thewaterdarkandslowlycalming.ButIwasn’treadyforcalm.Therewasenergybubblinginmyfingertips.Hummingbeneathmyskin.SoImovedawayfromthebarrier,spinninginacirclewithmyarmsoutatmysides.Myfootingfaltered,butbeforeIcouldtrip,astronghandclampedovermyelbow,helpingmekeepmybalance.
“Whoa.”Igiggled.“Nomorespinningforme.Drunkandheelsdon’tmix.”
“Wanttoheadbacktoyourhotel?”
Ipouted.“Notreally.”
Thiswasfun.ThiswasthebestnightI’dhadinyears.SomethingaboutVegas,thecrowds,theenergy,wasfreeing.
Therewerenoresponsibilitiestonight.Noexpectations.
“Areyoureallydrunk?”Iplantedmyhandsonmyhips,studyingJasper’sface.“Youdon’tseemdrunk.”
Hechuckled.“HowshouldIseemifI’mdrunk?”
“Idon’tknow.”Itossedoutahand.“I’veneverseenyoudrunkbefore.Butmostpeople…loosenup.”
“I’mloose.”
Irolledmyeyes.“You’reallstiff.We’resupposedtobehavingfun.”
“Itookmyshirtoffforyou.”
“Thisistrue.Andthatwasfunforme.”Itappedmychin.“Dosomething.Rightnow.Proveyou’redrunk.”
Jasper’seyescrinkledagain.“Likewhat?”
“Idon’tknow.You’retheonewhousedtolivehere.What’ssomethingspontaneoustodoinVegas?”
AmanwalkingbyansweredforJasper.“Getmarried.”
Iscoffed.“Wecan’tgetmarried.”
“Whynot?”theguyasked,stillwalking,hisarmsraised.
“Yeah,”Jaspersaid.“Whynot?”CHAPTERTWOJASPER
Therustleofclothesbeingshovedintoasuitcasefilledthehotelbedroom.ThencamethepadofbarefeetasEloisetiptoedtothebathroom.Secondslater,shetiptoedback.Thencameamuffledplop,probablyhertoiletrycasejoiningherclothes.Thatwasfollowedbytheclickofazipper,everynotchjoinedsoslowlyitwaspainfultohear.
Mywifewassneakingout.
Mywife.
Ifoughttheurgetocurseintomypillow.Myheadwasspinning.Theheadachethrobbingbehindmytempleswaslessfromlastnight’salcoholandmorefromthismorning’ssituation.
ButIdidn’tdaremove.Ilaycompletelystill,mybreathsshallowandnearlysilent.
EloisethoughtIwasstillasleep.We’dkeepitthatway.Fornow.UntilIknewhowtofixthis.
WhatthehellhadIbeenthinking?
I’dmarriedEloise.Married
Thatwordhadbeenbouncingthroughmybrainforhours.HoursIshouldhavespentsleeping.
ExceptIhadn’tsleptformorethanafewminutesatatimelastnight.EverytimeI’ddriftoff,Eloisewouldcurlintomysideorsnuggleagainstmyback.I’dspentmostoflastnightpushingherbacktotheoppositesideofthebed.ButeachtimeI’dshiftedaway,she’dfollowed.
Acuddler.OfcourseI’dmarryawomanwhocuddled.
Iloathedcuddling.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Myheadpoundedwitheachsilentcurse.OfallthestupiddecisionsI’dmadeinlife,lastnight’swasbyfarthedumbest.
Eloisepaddedtothebathroomagain,closingherselfinsidebeforesheflippedonthelight.
AsIcrackedmyeyesopen,aglowescapedfrombeneaththedoor.ThefaucetturnedonsoIshifted,buryingmyfaceinthepillow,andletoutagroan.
Couldthisbemoreofadisaster?
Foraboutanhourlastnight,I’dcontemplatedsneakingoutwhileshe’dbeenasleeptodelaytheinevitable,awkwardconversationaboutunravelingthismess.Exceptthedamagewasdone.Thiswasn’tsomerandomwomanI’dfuckedlastnight.
ThiswasEloise.
SoI’dstayed.I’dcuddled.
Hell.Fosterwasgoingtoskinmealive.IwasadeadmanformarryingTalia’ssister.WhatifIjustdidn’tgobacktoMontana?IfIhidoutinVegasforthenextdecade,wouldheforgiveme?
Tempting.Sogoddamntempting.
JustlikeEloise.
Thelightclickedoffinthebathroom.Iclosedmyeyes,oncemorefeigningsleeplikeagoddamncoward.Thedoorsweptopenalmostsilentlyexceptforaslightcreakinthehinge.Thenherbarefeetcrossedtheroomoncemore.
Anotherzipper.Anotherrustle.
Anannulment.Thatwastheanswer.
MaybeI’dgetluckyandEloisewouldagreetokeepingthisshitshowbetweenus.Noonereallyneededtoknowwe’dgottenmarried,right?Wecouldjustdealwithitonthesly.
Sortoflikehowshewastryingtosneakout.
Ifshewantedtodisappearthismorning,Iwasgoingtolether.TheannulmentconversationcouldwaituntilIgotbacktoMontana.
Thesoundoftraffic,ofthecitystirring,hummedinthebackground.Mutedlightcreptthroughthewindows.Toobusystrippingeachothernaked,we’dforgottentoclosetheblindswhenwe’dstumbledintotheroomlastnight.
We’dfucked.Hard.Bare.Mycockstirredtolifebeneaththesheets.Ithadbeenalong,longtimesinceI’dgonewithoutacondom,butwhenEloisehadtoldmeshewasonbirthcontrolandithadbeenawhile,well…I’dbrokenmyownruleaboutprotection.Ithadbeenawhileformetoo.
Eloisehadmetmypassionwithherown.There’dbeennothingsoftorgentle.We’dclawedateachother,roughandwild.ItwasthebestsexI’dhadin,well…alongdamntime.
Whycouldn’tIhavejustscrewedher?WhyhadItakenhertothatfuckingchapel?
Toofar.I’dpushedmuchtoofar.
Shewouldn’twanttostaymarried,wouldshe?Eloisehadtoknowthatthiswasn’tserious.Thatthiswasadrunkenmistake.
Shemovedagain,andevenwithmyeyesclosed,Ifelthercomeclose.Herfeet,barelyawhisperonthehotelroomcarpet,stoppedbesidethebed.TheairshiftedasEloisecroucheddown.
Iopenedmyeyes.
Andsawblue.
Heart-stoppingblue.Exquisiteblue.
Hergazewasthecolorofsapphires.Thecobaltofdawn.Theazureofthehottestflame.
I’dgottenlostinthatbluelastnight.FirstbesidetheBellagiofountain.Theninthisverybed.
Westaredateachother,theweightofwhatwe’ddonesettlingbetweenuslikeatonofbricks.
Eloise’sbeautifulfacewasetchedwithregret.Sheopenedhermouth,abouttosaysomething,butaknockcameatthedoor.Shejerked,nearlyfallingtoherass.
Ishotoutahand,grabbingherstokeepherupright.
Eloise’sgazelockedonmygrip.Herfingerstightened,forjustamoment,thensheshookmeloose.Sheheldupafingerandpressedittoherlips.
Shh.
Soshedidwanttokeepmeasecret.
Whydidthatburn?Wasn’tthatwhatIwantedtoo—neededtoo?
“Areyouaboutreadytogo?”Lylacalledfrombeyondthecloseddoor.
“Berightthere,”Eloiseanswered,butshedidn’tmakeamoveforthedoor.Shestayedcrouchedbesidemeforalongheartbeat,likeshewastryingtofigureoutwhattosay.
Thatmadetwoofus.
“We’regoingtobelate,”Lylasaid.
Eloise’sshouldersfell.“Onesec.”
Thenshegavemeasadsmilebeforeshemouthed,“I’msorry.”
Likethiswasherfault.
Whyshouldshebesorry?Ithadbeenmyidea.I’dbeentheonetohailusacab.I’dbeentheonetodirectthedrivertothechapel.I’dbeentheonetorushinside,justbeforethemidnightcutoff,andaskforamarriagelicense.
Me.
Thiswholefuckingcatastropherestedfirmlyonmyshoulders.
AllbecauseEloisehadtoldmethatstoryaboutherhorsedrawing.
Damnittohell.Shewasn’ttheonewhoshouldbeapologizing.ButbeforeIcouldsayaword,shewasgone,rushingtothecorner.
Shepulledonapairoftennisshoes,thensweptupthecarry-onsuitcaseshe’dpacked,extendingthehandle.Itssharpclickwaslikeajabtotheribcage
Ishifted,lyingflatonmyback,quicklytuggingthecoverstomychin,hopingtohidefromLyla.ThenIstaredattheceiling,watchingtheshadowsshiftasEloiseeasedthedooropenjustenoughtoslipout.
“Ready.”Eloise’sattemptatchippercameoutforced.Toobrightandtooloud.
“Whyareyouyelling?”Lylagrumbled.“I’mhungover.Areyou?”
“Um,yeah.Let’sgo.”
Thewheelsoftheirluggagefadedastheyweredraggedthroughthesuite’scommonroom.Thentheexteriordoorslammedclosed,leavingmealone.
FosterhadgottenthissuiteforEloiseandLyla.He’dmadesurethatTaliahadn’thadtositaloneduringlastnight’sfight.He’dtoldmeallaboutthissurpriseforTalia.Notonceashe’dexplainedthelogisticshadIthoughtI’dbesleepingintheroomhe’dreservedforthem.
“Sonofabitch.”Irolledtomystomach,buryingmynoseinthesheets.
Eloise’sperfumeclungtothecotton.Vanillawithanearthydepth.Floralbutspicy,almostlikeaman’scologne.Exceptitwasentirelyfemale.EntirelyEloise.
Theonlygoodthingabouthersleepingsoclosehadbeenthatsmell.That,andmybride’snakedbodypressedagainstmyown.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Ipusheduponmyelbows,twistingtoaseat.Thesheetwastangledaroundmylegs,coveringmetothewaist.Idraggedbothhandsthroughmyhair,rubbingmyeyesandtheacheinmyskull.ThenIlookedtothewindow,tothedawncreepingoverthedesert.
HowcouldIhaveletthishappen?HowcouldIhavetakenitsofar?OfallthespontaneousthingstodoinVegas,whymarriage?
Whatnow?
EloisewasonherwaybacktoMontana.
I’dplannedtostayinVegasforawhile.NowthatFoster’sfightwasover,he’dtakeabreakfromtraining.He’dspendtimewithTaliaandhisdaughter,Kadence.TherewasnothingwaitingformeinMontanaexceptarentedA-framecabinandsnow.
SincesnowandIdidn’texactlygetalongwell,I’dthoughtamonthinNevadamightbeawelcomechange.ThatitwouldgiveFostersometimetofigureouthisnextmove.
He’dmentionedretirement,andasmuchasI’dhatetolosemytimewithhim,Iwouldn’tblamehimforhangingitup.He’dhadanincrediblecareerwiththeUFC.Iwashonoredtobeasmallpartofthatjourney.
Butifhediddecidetostopfighting,thenIhadsomedecisionstomake.ReturntoVegas?Trainanotherfighter?Trysomewherenew?Itwasaloteasiertothinkwhenwinterwasn’ttryingtofreezemyballsoff.
ExceptIcouldn’texactlystayinVegasfortoolongnow,couldI?EloiseandIhadaproblemtosolve.
AndIdidn’tevenhaveherphonenumber.
“Shit.”Myfisthammeredintothemattressatmyside.HowcouldIhavebeensostupid?
Withaquickyank,thesheetrippedfreefrommylegs.Istoodfromthebed,prowlingtothebathroom.Ieyedtheshower,abouttoturnonthespray,butchangeddirections,returningtothebedroomtocollectmyclothesstrewnacrossthefloor.
Eloise’sscent,stillclingingtomyskin,wouldbemypunishmenttoday.AreminderoftheepicmistakeI’dmadelastnight.
Ituggedonmyboxersandjeans,thenpulledonlastnight’sT-shirt.TheshirtI’dtakenoffbesidethefountainallbecauseEloisehadwantedtoseemewithoutiton.
Whotookofftheirshirtinpublic?Hell,ifshehadaskedmetostripoutofmyjeans,Iwouldhavedoneit.
TherewasareasonIdidn’tdrink.
Drunk,Iwasafuckingidiot.
“Ugh.”Irubbedmyhandsovermyface,likethatcouldturnbacktime.Erasethishumiliation.
WhenwasthelasttimeI’dbeenembarrassed?Years.ThelasttimeI’dfeltlikethisithadalsobeenbecauseofawoman.
ButEloisewasn’ttoblamefortheickyfeelingcreepingbeneathmyskin.No,thatwasallonme.
Ineededtogetthefuckoutofthishotelroom.
Ineededtogetthehelloffthestrip.
Ineededtoneverdrinktequilaagain.
EloiseandIhadbothbeendrunk.Notblackoutdrunk.Notslurring,sloppydrunk.No,we’dbeenthedangerouskindofdrunk,thekindwhenyouthoughtyouwerestillincontrol.Wheninhibitionswerelowandcouragewashigh.Whenyouwerefoolishenoughtobelieveawild,recklessideawasthechallengeofalifetime.
“Fuckingtequila.”
Withmyshoeson,Ilefttheroom,diggingmywalletfrommyjeanspocket.ThenItooktheelevatordowntwofloors,rushingtomyownhotelroom.Thebedwasmade,itswhitesheetscrispandundisturbedfromyesterday’shousekeeping.
Iownedahouseanhourfromhere,butFosterhadwantedusallclosetothestripforthefight,sohe’dreservedmearoom.MaybeIshouldhaveinsistedonsleepinginmyowndamnbed.ThenIwouldn’thavegonetotheclublastnight.Iwouldn’thavebeenanywherenearEloiseEden.
Mybackpackwasonachairinthecorner,soIhurriedtopackitup,shovingmyclothesandtoiletriesinside.ThenIslungitoverashoulderandleftthehotel,walkingthroughthelobbytothemainexit.
Therewerecabswaiting,butIpassedthem,needingtowalkforawhilebeforegoinghome.Toburnoffsomeenergy.Tothink.
Themorningairwasfresh.Crispandcool.Idrewinalongbreath,smellingthewaterthey’dusedthismorningtohosedowntheentrance.Theconcretewasstilldampinafewplacesuntouchedbythesun.Clean,fornow.Someonewouldprobablypukeonitlater.
Nothingeverreallystayedclean.
EspeciallyinVegas.
ThathadalwaysbeenpartofVegas’sappeal.Nomatterhowmanysparkling,neonbulbstheyaddedtothestrip,therewasalwayssomedirt.Grit,likethesandthatwaitedbeyondthecity’sborders.
Peoplehereflauntedtheirfake.Therewasfreedomtobegaudyandloud.Judgmentwasloosened,usuallybyalcohol.
LastnightwastheultimateexampleofVegas’spoison.Eloise,apure,beautifulwoman,hadbeencorruptedbySinCity.Taintedbyamanwhosedemonshadcomeouttoplay.
Withmychindown,IkeptmygazelockedonthesidewalkasIheadedtowardLasVegasBoulevard.LeftwouldtakemetotheBellagiofountain.
Iturnedright.
NotachanceIcouldfacethatfountainthismorning.Withnodestinationinmindotherthanaway,Iwalked,myhandstuckedinmypockets.
Blockafterblock,Iwaitedforthepressureinmychesttolighten.Exercisehadalwaysbeenmyoutlet.Myrefuge.Exceptthetensioninmyshoulders,thepitinmystomach,seemedtogrowwitheverystep.
That’swhenIlookedup.
AndrealizedthispathIwaswalkingwasfamiliar.
“Forfuck’ssake,Vale.”
Ishouldhavetakenaleftandfacedthatfountain.Apparentlymyfeethaddevelopedamindoftheirown.Andthismorning,theywantedtoreturntothesceneoflastnight’scrime.
Thesmall,squarebuildingwasoutofplaceagainstthebackdropofsprawlingcasinosandmassivetowers.Itwastoocharming.Tooreal.Itbelongedanywhereelse.
ButthatwasanotherpartofVegas’sappeal.Thiscitywelcomedallshapesandsizes.AcouplecouldgetmarriedbyElvisbeneaththeglowofneonlightsatachapelthatofferedninety-nine-dollarweekdayspecials.Ortheycouldcomehere.
TheCloverChapel.
Thewhitestuccowallsweredottedwithintricate,stainedglasswindows.Theirbluesandgreenscaughtthemorninglight.Asteeplewithabrassbellsatatopthepeakedroof.Vineswithdaintyflowersclimbedthestructure.
Thepalewoodendoorsweremarkedwithasmallfour-leafclovertackedabovethethreshold.AtmyrentalinMontana,therewasahorseshoeinthatspotinstead.
MaybeifIbelievedinluck,maybeifI’deverbeenlucky,Iwouldhaveappreciatedthosesymbols.
Thechapelwasclosednow.Cloverherselfwasprobablyathome,rollinginthecashI’dpaidlastnight.TheCloverChapeldidn’tdoninety-nine-dollarspecials,certainlynotforlast-minutewalk-insonlyminutesbeforeclosing.
Butyoupaidfortheirambience.
Youpaidforthewisteriabloomsthatfilledtheopenceiling.Theychargedapremiumforguestswantingtogetmarriedbeneathapergolateemingwithglitteringtwigs,fairylights,greeneryandmagnoliaflowers.Fortheaislelinedwithshort,woodenpewstomakeyoufeellikeyouweren’tgettingmarriedinLasVegasbutinsomequaintcountrychurch,surroundedbybelovedguests.
Ofalltheplacesintheworld,whywouldIcomehereagain?
Theuglyhorse.
I’dbroughtEloiseherebecauseofthestoryshe’dtoldmeaboutthatuglyhorsedrawing.
She’dcreatedsuchavividpicturewiththattale.Ofherasanangrychild,paintingoverasketchsoshecouldgiveherdadthecardhewanted.Icouldpictureherasakid,desperatetopleaseherfatherandsurroundedbyhershreddedattemptsatabirthdaycard.Thenheragain,smilingandhappy,herskinmarredwitheveryshadeofpaintassheflippedofftheideaofperfection.
ThatwaswhyI’dbroughtherherelastnight.
Shewasn’ttheonlyonewhowantedtotakesomethingugly,somethinglacking,somethingpainful,andcoveritupwithsomethingbeautiful.
“Prettychapel,isn’tit?”Awomanwalkingachihuahuaonasparklypinkleashpassedby.Herrainbowiridescentvisormatchedthedog’scollar.
Inodded,waitingforhertoleave.ThenIfocusedonthebuildingagain.
Anuglyhorse.
Coveredinvibrantpaint.
Yeah,thiswasaprettychapel.I’dthoughtsothelasttimeI’dbeenhere.
ThefirsttimeI’dgottenmarriedinLasVegas.CHAPTERTHREEELOISE
“Miss?”
Ijerkedatthelady’svoice.Lostinmyhead,drawinginvisiblecirclesonthehotel’smahoganyreceptioncounter,Ihadn’theardherapproach.
Guestshadbeensneakinguponmeforthelastthreedays,eversinceI’dcomehomefromVegas.
“Sorry.”Igaveherabrightsmile.“WelcometoTheEloiseInn.Checkingin?”
“Yes.”Shenodded,thengavemehernametopullupinourreservationsystem.
Fiveminuteslater,Islidovertwokeycardstuckedintoapaperenvelopewithherroomnumberwrittenonitsface.
“Theelevatoristhere.”Ipointedtowardthefoyer.“You’reinroom302.Takearightwhenyougetofftheelevatorandyourroomisattheendofthehallway.CanIhaveanythingsentupforyouthisafternoon?”
“No,thankyou.”Shesmiled,glancingaroundthelobby.“ThisismyfirstvisittoQuincy.Yourhotelisdelightful.”
“Thankyou.”Ibeamedatthecompliment.“Ithinkit’sratherdelightfulmyself.Welcometotown.Areyouherevisitingfriendsorfamily?”
“Mysisterjustmovedhere.”
“Ah.”Inodded.HadImetsaidsister?
Quincywasasmalltown.Whenitcametothelocals,thereweren’tmanyfacesIdidn’trecognize.Thoughlately,thathadchanged.Moreandmorepeoplewerelookingtoescapecitylife,andmyhometownwasaruralgemtuckedintotheruggedlandscapeofwesternMontana.
“Enjoyyourstay,”Itoldtheguest.“Pleaseletmeknowifyouneedanythingatall.”
Withawave,sheheadedtowardtheelevator.
Besideit,thewallswerelinedwithpottedevergreens.Theminiaturetreeswerestilladornedwiththewhitetwinklelightswe’daddedfortheholidays.Takingthelightsoffwasonmyto-dolist,Ijusthadn’tgottentoityet.Mostlybecausetheirtinysparklesaddedabitofcharmtothehallway.
WewereinthestrangeseasoninMontana,notquitewinter,notquitespring.BeyondtheglasswindowsthatoverlookedMainStreet,therewasafreshskiffofsnowonthesidewalks.
Awoodfirecrackledinthelargehearthononesideofthegrandroom.I’dkeepthefiregoinguntilthesnowwasgone.Ilikedthegentle,smokyscentitgavethehotel’slobby.Andthemantel,thestonecolumnthattoweredtotherafters,justlookedprettierwithafireburninginitshearth.
TheEloiseInn,namedaftermygreat-great-grandmother,hadbeeninourfamilyforgenerations.She’dbeenmynamesake.MaybeitwasfatethatIlovedthishotelasmuchasIlikedtoimagineshe’dlovedittoo.
Myfavoritevanillacandlewasburningonthecoffeetable,itssweetnessmixingwiththefire’ssmoke.Itwascozy.Warm.Iwantedgueststofeellikethey’dbeenwrappedinahugwhentheywalkedthroughthedoorsofthehotel.
Myhotel.Sortof.
Technically,TheEloisebelongedtomyparents,eventhoughI’dbeenthemanagerforyears.EventhoughmostpeopleinQuincythoughtitwasmine.
Notquiteyet.Notofficially.
MomandDadwantedtomakesureIwasreadytotakeover.ThatIwasmature.ThatIwascapableofhandlingthislevelofresponsibility.
Aweekago,Iwouldhavevolunteeredtobetheposterchildforresponsibility.Sensiblemightaswellhavebeenmymiddlename.
ExceptthenI’dflowntoLasVegaslastweekend.Andgottenmarriedonawhim.
“OhGod.”EverytimeIthoughtaboutSaturdaynight,Iwantedtohurl.
Whatthehellwaswrongwithme?Iwasnever,everdrinkingagain.Thathadbeenthemostimpulsive,recklessdecisionofmylife.
“Ugh.”Idroppedmyfaceintomyhands.
Iwastwenty-sixyearsold.Andmarriedtoastranger.
Myfamilywasgoingtofreakthefuckout.
MaybeJasperandIcouldkeepitasecret.Getitannulledbeforeanyonelearnedthetruth.Erasethemarriagefromexistence.Thenitcouldbemorelikeawhoopsie.Ifitwasnullandvoidbythetimetheyfoundout,myparentscouldn’tgettoomad,right?
SneakingoutofthehotelonSundaymorninghadn’tbeenthebestidea.JasperandIshouldhavetalked.Atthebareminimum,weshouldhaveexchangedphonenumbers.
WasJasperbackinMontanayet?Hewascomingback,wasn’the?BecauseIwasgoingtoneedsomeinformation,likehislegalnameandaphysicaladdress.
AndIwasgoingtoneedalawyer.Ididn’thavealawyer.
Innormalsituations,I’dcallmydad.He’dtellmewhotocallandwhattosay.
Notthistime.
IfIwantedtokeepthismarriageasecret,I’dhavetofindanattorneyoutsideofQuincy.Missoulawastwohoursaway.Wasthatfarenoughtokeepanyrumorsfromspreading?NotthatIdidn’ttrustinattorney-clientprivilege,butI’dlivedmywholelifeinasmalltown.Secretsalwayshadawayofcomingtolight.
Aplan.Ineededaplan.
SoIpluckedapenfromthepencupandflippedtoafreshpageinthenotebookI’dbeendoodlingonearlier.
Step1:Findalawyer.
No,thatwasn’tstepone.Iscribbledoverthewords,blackingthemout.Thenstartedoveronthenextline.
Step1:FindJasper.
IfhewasbackinQuincy,he’dclearlybeenavoidingme.NotthatI’dminded.Thesepastfewdays,Ihadn’tbeenreadytofacehim,torelivetheshameofmydrunkenself.
Humiliationcrawleddownmyspine,makingmecringe.
I’dgottenmarried.
Toastranger.
In.A.Tubetop.
“Whatiswrongwithme?”
AlcoholhadplayedamajorroleinthedisasterthatwasSaturday,butithadn’tbeentheonlymotivator.I’dgottencaughtupintheadventure.Inthespontaneity.Inthecharmofthatchapel.
AndJasperhadbeenso…certain.
Notoncehadhewavered.
He’dwalkedintothatchapel,hishandholdingmine,withsheerdetermination.Andwhenhe’daskedforamarriagelicenseinthatruggedvoice,ithadsoundedlikethebestideaintheworld.
Standingbeneaththatbeautifulpergola,beneathaceilingofwisteriablooms,I’dconvincedmyselfitwasfate.
Stupidfate.
StupidEloise.
Itwasokay.Icouldfixthis.NomoreavoidingJasper.Afterwork,I’dtrackdownmyhusband.
Taliahadmentionedthathe’drentedalong-termcabinfromtheStewarts.Theyhadfourvacationrentalsintown.Onlyoneofthosewasacabin.WhichmeantJasperhadtobestayingintheA-frameonAldersonRoad.
Well,Iwasn’tgoingtocallTaliaandask.Ifhewasn’tthere,I’dswingbytheotherrentalsuntilIfoundhim.
Step2:AskJaspernottotellasoul.EspeciallyFoster.
Thedoorsopenedasmypenscribbledonthepaper.Myheartclimbedintomythroatasmyparentswalkedinsidethelobby.
“Hi,”Isaidtoobrightly,tuckingthenotepadoutofsight.ThenIsearchedtheirfacesforanyhintofirritation.
Momwassmiling.Thatwasagoodsign,right?Ifshe’dfoundoutaboutJasper,she’dbeintears.
Dadglancedaroundthelobby,takingitallin.Thatwasnormaltoo.Ifhewasmadatme,he’dbewearingthescowl.
Phew.Everythingwasfine.Theydidn’tknow.Theydidn’thavetoknow.
I’dfindJasper,andwe’dfigurethisout.Thismarriagewouldbegoneinaflash.Deleted.Erased.Ablipthathadneverhappened.
“Hi,sweetheart.”Momroundedthereceptiondesk,standingbymytallchair.Shetouchedalockofmyhair.“Yourhairlooksprettytoday.”
“Thanks.”
Sleephadbeenimpossiblethepastthreedays.EverytimeI’ddriftoff,I’dseeJasper’sface.EitherI’ddreamofhimatthechapel,sayingIdo.OrI’dpicturehiminbedashemovedinsideme.
Lastnight,I’dwokentoathrobbetweenmylegssopowerfulI’dclimbedoutofbedatthreeinthemorningtodeepcleanmyrefrigerator.ThenI’dspentanextrathirtyminutesafterashowercurlingmyhair.
Tonight,whenIinevitablywokeupbeforedawn,Iwasgoingtoscrubthebaseboardsaroundmyhouse.Goodtimes.
“Hi,kiddo.”Dadstoppedinfrontofthecounter,runningahandalongitsedgelikehewassearchingforanyraisedwoodthatmightgiveaguestasplinter.Butasalways,itwassmoothandpolishedtoashine.
Icleanedthiscounteratleasttentimesadaytoerasefingerprints.
“Hey,Dad.Whatareyouguysuptotoday?”
“Oh,justrunningerrands,”hesaid.“ItoldGriffinI’dpickupacouplethingsatFarmandFeedforhim.Savehimatripintotown.”
“You’renotbabysittingtoday?”IaskedMom.
“No.”Shepouted.Momoftenwatchedmynephewsandniece.Threekids,allundertheageoftwo.Onlyshewouldbedisappointedtohaveadayoff.“Winnhadtocoverapatrolshiftlastweekend,soshetooktodayofftospendwithEmmaandHudson.AndMemphiswantedtokeepDrakehometodaysotheycouldbondwiththebaby.”
“Ah.”
Memphis,mybrotherKnox’swife,hadjustgivenbirthtoababyboy.Harrison,namedafterDad.
Notonlywasshemysister-in-law,butshewasmyfavoriteemployee.She’dmovedtoQuincyforahousekeepingjobatTheEloise.Thatwashowshe’dmetKnox.
ShewasthebesthousekeeperI’deverhad,andselfishly,Iwantedhertocomebackafterhermaternityleave.ButIalsowasn’tfoolingmyself.Chanceswere,she’dstayhomewithherkids.
“Howarethingsgoinghere?”Dadasked.
“Good.Busy.”WithMemphisgone,we’dhadtoshufflesomestaffaroundtocovershifts.Yesterday,I’dbeenshorthanded,soI’ddonelaundryandsomegeneralcleaninginthelobby.
Whateverittooktokeepthisplacesparklingandguestssmiling.
“Wewerehopingyouhadaminutetotalk.”MomsharedalookwithDad.
Alookthatmademystomachclench.
“Okay,”Idrawled.Thiscouldn’tbeaboutJasper.Notachance.Regardless,myheartclimbedintomythroat.“About?”
“Doyouwanttoputthesignup?Headtoyouroffice?”
Aclosed-doorconversation?Ohhell.“Um…”
“Wecanjustvisithere,Anne.”Dadcheckedoverhisshoulder,confirmingwewerealone.
Theairrushedfrommylungs.
AdiscussionatthedeskmeantIwasn’tindeepshit.Yet.
Thelobbywasempty,andeveryguestwhowasduetocheckintodayhadalreadyarrived.Sowhilewemightgettheoccasionalinterruption,itwouldmostlikelybeuneventfuluntilaroundfive.ThatwaswhenthelocalswouldcomeintoeatatKnox’srestaurant,Knuckles.
“What’sup?”Iasked.
“Twothings.”Dadheldupacouplefingers.“IhadtostopinatthebanktheotherdayandwastalkingtoRandy.”
Thebankpresidentwasn’tmyfavoritepersonintown.Wheneverhecameintothehotel,hebroughtwithhimanairofself-importance.
“He’dliketoreservetheannexforthebank’semployeeappreciationdinnerthissummer.”
“Great.”
WhenKnoxhadrenovatedthekitchenandrestaurantafewyearsago,myparentshadboughtthebuildingnextdoorforevents.Intheoriginalprojections,theannexhadbeenslatedtopayforitselffiveyearsafterthepurchase.Butinsteadofjustofferingitupforweddingsandparties,I’dadvertiseditwithareabusinessesandorganizationstoo.Justthispastweek,we’dhadacraftshowintheannex.Nextweekend,theWesternMontanaCountryDanceClubwouldbeherefortheirannualdancecompetition.
“JusthaveRandygolookatthecalendarandhecanreserveitonthewebsite,”ItoldDad.
“Well,Iguesshetriedandcouldn’tfindtherightspot.He’snotthemosttechsavvyguy.”
Yethemanagedtorunabank?Didn’tRandyhaveanassistantwhocouldhelp?
“Wouldyoumindprintingoffthecalendarforhim?”Dadasked.
Thewholepointofmeputtingtheannex’scalendaronthewebsitewassothatIcouldstopprintingitoutandchasingdownpayments.Butwhatever.“Sure.Ishegoingtostopbytopickitup?”
“Anychanceyoucouldrunitbythebank?”
No,Ididn’twanttotakeittothebankandmakesmalltalkwithRandyallbecausehecouldn’tbebotheredtouseanintuitivewebsite.ButIwould.“I’lldoitfirstthingtomorrowmorning.”
“Thanks.”
“Ofcourse.”Iforcedasmile,dreadingwhateverelsetheyneeded.“What’sitemnumbertwo?”
“Well,wejustwantedtocheckinandseehowthequarterwasgoing,”hesaid.“Wejustmetwiththeaccountanttoreviewthetaxes.Lastyearwasthebestyearwe’veeverhadatthehotel.”
“Oh.”Mychestsurgedwithpride.“Really?”
“We’reproudofyou.”Mompattedmyarm.
“Thanks.”Itwasarelieftohearthosewords,especiallyafterhowhardI’dbeentryingtoearnthem.
ToearnMomandDad’sapproval.
WhiletherestaurantbelongedtoKnox,thehotelwasincorporatedasaseparateentityownedwhollybymyparents.Thephysicalbuilding,they’dsplitwithmybrother.Twobusinessesrunindependentlythatsharedanaddress.
BesidestheEdenfamilyranch,TheEloisehadalwaysbeenMomandDad’smosttime-consumingbusinessventure.Dadhadalwaysbeenfocusedontheranch,whileMomhadmanagedthehotel.She’dworkedhereforyearsuntilshe’dhandedmethereinsafterI’dgraduatedfromcollege.
She’dputinhertimewiththisbusiness.Whatshewantedfortheirretirementwastobeathome,surroundedbytheirgrandbabies.Sothey’dspentrecentyearstryingtosettletheiraffairs.DadwantedusallstandingonourowntwofeetandtheEdenbusinessescontrolledbyhischildren.
Myoldestbrother,Griffin,wasnowrunningtheranch.TheloveofGriff’slifewashiswife,Winn,andtheirtwokids.Butthelandwasaclosesecond.
Knoxwasthesame.Memphisandtheboyscamefirst.Ifhewasn’twithhisfamily,hewashappiestinakitchen,cookingforthosehelovedmost.
Lylahadhercoffeeshop.
Taliahadtakenherinheritancetopayformedicalschoolandbuyahouse.ShewasadoctoratQuincyMemorial.
Mateo,ouryoungestbrother,wasapilot,flyingplanesinAlaska.Ofusall,heseemedliketheonewhowasstillwandering.Stillfindinghiswings.
ButassureasGriffinwasabouttheEdenRanch,asdedicatedasKnoxwastoKnuckles,IwasequallyascommittedtoTheEloise.
Morethananythingintheworld,Iwantedthistobemyhotel.
I’dgonetocollegebecauseMomandDadhadalwaystaughtusthatahighereducationwasimportant.ButfromthetimeIwassixteen,workinghereasahousekeeperinhighschool,runningthishotelhadbeenmydream.ThenI’dbecomethemanager.
I’dthoughtthenextstepwouldbeassumingownership.
Exceptthenthey’dofferedittoKnox.
Partlybecausehewasolder.Partlybecausehehadmoreexperiencemanagingabusinessandmoremoneytocushionhardtimes.MostlybecauseI’dgottenintoastickysituationwithanex-employee.
Apparently,Iwastoosoft.Toogentle.
Iledwithmyheart.
Somehow,thathadbecomemygreatestweakness.Theobstaclekeepingmefrommydream.
Ironic,consideringMomandDadwerethepeoplewho’dtaughtmetobekind.Loving.Trusting.Butapparentlyformydream,forthishotel,mypersonalitywasallwrong.
Ilovedmyparents.Ilovedmyfamily.Butthat?
Ithadcrushedmyheart.
WhenI’dlearnedtheywantedtogivethehoteltoKnox,I’dbeendevastated.Anepicblowuphadensued.Therehadbeentears.Therehadbeenhysterics.Bothfromme.
Thankfully,Knoxhadturnedthemdown.He’dconvincedthemtogivememoretimetoprovemyself.
DidIreallyneedtoprovemyself?
TherewasareasonMomandDaddidn’tspendmuchtimehere.Me.ThishotelranonautopilotbecauseItookmyjobseriously.
Fromhousekeepingtomaintenancetoguestservices,therewasn’tasingleaspectofthishotelthatIdidn’toversee.Fromtheplushslippersweleftforgueststothetwinklelightsontheelevator’spottedevergreens,IlivedandbreathedTheEloise.
Yetforwhateverreason,itstillwasn’tenough.Myparentshadsuchconfidenceinmysiblings.EvenMateo.Butmybrothersandsistersdidn’tseethissideofMomandDad.Thehovering.Themicromanaging.
ThoughitwasnicetohaveMomandDadsaytheywereproud.
“Wejustwantedtorecognizethechangesyou’vemadelately,”Dadsaid.“Maybeit’stimetostarttalkingabouttransferringownership.”
Seriously?Ireacheddownandpinchedmyownleg.Wasthisreallyhappening?Finally?
“WhenwecametoyouaboutKnoxtakingoverthehotel,wetoldyouthatyouweren’tready,”Momsaid.
Ouch.Ididn’tneedthereminder.Irememberedeverywordofthatconversation.
“AndnowyouthinkIam?”Iaskedher.
“Yes,wedo.”
Holy.Shit.Thiswashappening.Thiswasreallyhappening.
“Anytimethere’sbeenanissuewithanemployee,you’vehandleditperfectly,”Dadsaid.“Theguestcountisthehighestinhistory.”
Beforeme,they’dneverevenkepttrackofthatnumber.ButIcouldtellyouhowmanyguestswe’dhadeverydayoftheyearforthepastthreeyears.
“Andthemagazinesandtouristblogswe’vebeenmentionedinlately.”Mom’ssmilewascontagious.“It’sjustwonderful.”
“Thanks.”
FortouriststravelingtoGlacierNationalPark,Quincywasapopulartouriststop.Duringthesummermonths,wewerebookedsolid.Thesamewastruearoundtheholidays.SoI’dworkedhardtodrumuppressfeaturesforTheEloisethatwouldfillroomsduringourquietermonths.Springbreak.Huntingseason.Thanksgiving.Andthoughtherewerestillslowtimes,ouroff-peakseasonsweregettingbusierandbusier.
“Thehotelisflourishingfinancially,”Dadsaid.“You’vereallyshownushowresponsibleyoucanbe.”
Responsible.Thatwordwaslikeaknifetomyheart.
Responsible,twenty-six-year-oldwomendidn’tgetmarriedinLasVegasonadrunkenwhim.
Oh,no.Nonononono.
TheminutetheyfoundoutaboutJasper,Icouldkissmyhotelgoodbye.
MaybeIshouldtellthem.Getitoutthereintheopen.Apologizeandpromisetofixit.
“Itwon’thappenimmediately,”Dadsaid.“Butaslongasthismomentumcontinues,we’relookingatsteppingaway,officially,bytheendoftheyear.”
Iopenedmymouthbutcouldn’tspeak.
“We’veshockedher,Anne,”Dadteased.
Momlaughed,puttingherhandonmyarm.“It’sjustsocomfortingtoknowyou’lltakecareofthisplace.Thatyou’llberesponsibleforitlongafterwe’regone.”
Responsible.Therewasthatwordagain.
Tellthem.Tellthemrightnow.
“Ineed—”ThewordslodgedinmythroatsohardIcoughed.
“Youokay?”Momranherhandupanddownmyspine.
Inodded,swallowinghardandchokingdowntheconfessionthatwouldendmylifelongdream.“Iwon’tletyoudown.”
Dadsmiled,hisblueeyessoftening.“No,Idon’tthinkyouwill.”
Myheartcrumpled.
Iwasgoingtoletthemdown.Iwasgoingtofailthemcompletely.Theyweregoingtobesodisappointedinme.Justlikewiththelawsuit.
“We’llgetoutofyourhair.”Momgavemeaquickhug,thenroundedthecounter.“I’mmakingpotatosoupfordinnertonight.Wanttojoinus?”
Herpotatosoupwasafavorite.“Ihaveplans.Nexttime.”
“Nexttime.”SheclaspedDad’shand,interlacingtheirfingers,thenashewavedgoodbye,theyheadedforthedoor.
Themomenttheywereoutofsight,Icollapsedonthecounter,bangingmyheadagainstthesurface.“HowcouldIbesostupid?”
WhyhadImarriedJasper?Why?
Sure,he’dsortofdaredme.Andyeah,ithadbeenmyideatodosomethingspontaneous.Tattooswouldhavebeenbetter.Whyhadn’twejustgottenmatchingtattoos?Guaranteed,IwouldhaveregrettedJasper’snameonmyskinlessthanthismarriage.
“Ihavetofixthis.”Iwhippedupstraightandscrambledoffmychair,divingformyphoneandpurse.
Asecret.Thatwastheonlysolution.
IfIwantedthishotel,nooneinmyfamilycouldfindoutthetruth.WhichmeantIneededtogettoJasper.Now.BeforehetoldFoster.BeforeFostertoldTalia.BeforeTaliatoldLylaandLylatoldeveryonewiththelastnameEdenaboutmyhastymarriage.
Iputoutthesignonthecounterweusedwhenthedeskclerkneededtotakeaquickbreak.ThenIsprintedfortheelevator,hittingthebuttonforthefourthandtopfloor.
Brittanywascleaningroomstoday,butshe’dbeentrainingrecentlytorunthedesk.
Ifoundhervacuumingthelargestroom,nearlydonewiththecleaningfortoday.“Hey,canIbegafavor?”
“Ofcourse.”
“I’vehadsortofanemergencycomeup.Wouldyoumindwatchingthefrontdeskforlike,anhour?”
“Sure.”Shenodded.“Everythingokay?”
Nope.“Yep,”Ilied.“Bebacksoon.”
Withmykeysinhand,Ihustledtothestairwell,tooanxioustowaitfortheelevator.ThenIjoggedtothefirstfloor,racingthroughthelobbytopushoutsideandstartthetrekhome.
Gah.Whyhadn’tIdriventoworktoday?Myhousewasonlytwoblocksaway,partofwhyIrentediteventhoughthewaterheaterwasasquestionableasthefurnace.Butthesidewalkswereslickwiththerecentsnow,forcingmetowalkinsteadofrun.
ThemomentIarrived,Iwentstraightforthegarage,climbingintomygraySubaru.ThenIspedacrosstowntowardAldersonRoad.
Aldersonwasontheoutskirtsoftown,wheremostoftheroadswereunpaved.MytirescrunchedonthegravelasIspedpastrowsoftoweringevergreens.BeyondtheirtrunkswasacreekthateventuallyflowedintotheClarkForkRiver,whichactedasanaturalboundaryononesideofQuincy.
Thepropertiesouthereweresecluded,mostofthehomeslargeandbuiltofftheroadtogivetheirownerssomeprivacy.TheturnofftotheA-framewasthelastinline,andwhenIreachedthemailbox,Islowedtorolldownthenarrowdriveway.
AsilverYukonwasparkedinfrontofthecabin.Insidethehouse,thelightsglowedgoldenbehindthewindows.Standingonthefrontporch,withhishandstuckedintothepocketsofhisjeans,wasJasper.
Myhearttumbled.
Jasperstoodstatuestill,hisdarkeyesunreadable.HewasasgorgeousashehadbeenSaturday.Thatruffleddarkhair.Thatstonyjawdustedwithstubble.Softlipsandabodybuiltforsin.Theacheinmycorethathadwokenmethismorningflaredtolife.
Neverinmylifehadsexbeenthatgood.He’dmademecometwo—no,three—times.ThefactthatLylahadn’theardushavingsexonourendofthehotelsuitehadbeenafreakingmiracle.Becausethatmanhadmademescream.
HeatroseinmycheeksasIparkedbesidehisSUV.Itookafortifyingbreathandclimbedoutofmycar,walkingtothebaseoftheporch’sstairs.
Heregoesnothing.
“Heythere,husband.”
Jasper’sjawclenched.Thatclenchhadtobeagoodthing.AsignthatJasperdidn’twanttokeepthetitle.
“So…aboutthismarriage.”CHAPTERFOURJASPER
Marriage
Thatwordpackedapunch.
Eloisestoodatthebaseofthesteps,lookingatmewiththosestrikingblueeyes.Theycaughttheafternoonlight,makingthemshineasvibrantastheskyaboveourheads.
Shewasdressedinapairofdarkjeansandasweaterwithamockturtleneck.Shelookedwarm.Comfortable,yetstylish.Beautiful.
Sogoddamnbeautiful.
TherewassomeresemblancebetweenEloiseandheroldersisters.Thelong,darkhair.Thepinklipsandtheshapeoftheirmouths.
ButEloisehadayouthfulappearancethathadnothingtodowiththeagegapbetweenherandhersiblings.Itwasjust…her.Shehadeffervescence.Energy.Asparkthatradiatedfromthoseprettyeyes.
Mywife.
Igroaned.“Whatafuckingmess.”
“Mythoughtsexactly,”shemuttered,startingupthestairs.“Shouldwegoinside?”
“Yeah.”Itwascoldouttoday.WinterhadagriponMontanaanditshowednosignsoflooseningitshold.WhenIleftQuincy,Iwasn’tgoingtomissthesebrutaltemperatures.
ThoughwhenmyflighthadlandedthisafternooninMissoula,theweatherhadn’tbotheredmeasmuchasI’dexpected.EitherIwasgettingusedtothesnow,orcontemplatingthestupidityofmyactionshadmademenumb.
Eloisestoppedbesidemeontheporch,glancingaroundtotakeitallin.
ThereweretwolevelstotheA-frame.Theporchstretchedacrossthefront.Aboveus,abalconyextendedofftheloftbedroom.
WhenI’dcometoMontanainJanuary,theownershadbuiltupanimpressivepileofchoppedwoodforthefireplace.ThestackshaddwindledsinceI’dbeenhere,buthopefullytherewasenoughlefttogetmethroughmystay.Thelogsrestedagainsttheporch’srailing,bracketingthecenterstairs.
TheA-framewasn’tlikemostI’dseenbefore.Therewerenomassivewindowsoutfront,fillingthetriangularframe.Instead,thosewindowswereonthebacksideofthecabin,offeringaviewtothelandscape.
Thegreentinroofblendedwiththesurroundingtrees.Thewood-slatsidingwasthesamecolorastheearthyforestfloor.Itwouldhavebeenalmostcamouflagedexceptthefrontdoorhadbeenpaintedaboldorange-red,thecolorofrustedmetal.
Thatredshouldn’thavefit,notthatgaudyofacolor,butIcouldn’timaginethatdoorbeinganyothershade.
“Cutecabin,”Eloisesaid.“I’veneverbeentothisplacebefore.I’veseensomeoftheotherStewartpropertiesbutnotthisone.Ilikeit.”
“HowdidyouknowwhereIwasstaying?Youdidn’taskTalia,didyou?”Shit.IfTaliaknewaboutus,thenFosterknew.AndthatwasnotaconversationIwasreadytohave.
“No.Godno.”Eloiseshookherhead.“Taliamentionedawhileagoyou’drentedacabinfromtheStewarts.Theirothervacationrentalsareintown.”
“Ah.”
“Smalltown.”Sheshrugged.“PrivacyhasadifferentmeaninginQuincy.”
“I’mlearningthat.”EverytimeIwentdowntowntograbdinnerorapastryfromEdenCoffee,someonewouldwaveandcallmebymyname.SomeoneIhadn’tmetbefore.
Itwas…odd.Notnecessarilybad.Notexactlygoodeither.
“That’sactuallythereasonI’mhere.”Shewavedahandtothefrontdoor.“Shallwe?”
“Yeah.”Iwalkedtothedoor,holdingitopen.
Shebreezedpastme,herperfumewaftingtomynose.Vanillaandspice.Floralundertonesandahintofsmoke,likeshe’dbeennearafireplace.Thecombinationwassubtlebutalluring.ItwasthescentIhadn’tbeenabletostopthinkingaboutforthreedays.
“Whendidyougetback?”sheasked,hergazerovingaroundtheinterior.
“Aboutfifteenminutesago.”I’dhauledinmybagandimmediatelygonetolightafire.Afteritwaslit,I’dheadedoutsideontheporch,abouttohaulinmorewoodforlater,whenI’dheardtirescrunchingongravel.
“Oh.Good.”SheseemedrelievedthatIhadn’tbeenbacklong.
Ijerkedmychinforhertofollowmethroughthecabin.
Thekitchensatatthefrontofthehouse,oppositeasmalldiningnook.Iheadedforthelivingroom,towardtheopenceilingandlargewindowsthatoverlookedtheproperty.Thefireplacecrackled,itsheatslowlychasingawaythechill
Thecabinhadbaseboardheat,butIhadafiregoingwheneverIwashome.
Eloisespuninacircle,takingitallin,fromthecircular,ironstaircasethatledtothelofttotheopenbathroomdoorbesidethelaundryroom.
TheA-framewassmall.Intimate.Withtheloftandanothersmallbedroom,itofferedmeplentyofspace.
Ithadbeenbuiltintheseventiesandhadavintagevibe.Thewallswerecoveredintongue-and-grooveboards.Thehoneycolormatchedthemassivebeamsthatstretchedfromthefloorstothepeakedroof.Thefurniturewasamixoftexturedupholsteryandleather,somepiecesnewerthanothers.
Nothingfancy.Everythingcomfortable.Justrightforaguywho’dneededarentalforacouplemonths.
Montanawasonlyatemporarystop.
Fosterhadmovedupherepermanently,butI’donlyeverplannedtostaylongenoughtotrainhimthroughthefight.ThenI’deitherreturntoVegas.Orfindsomewherenew.IfFosterdidn’tretire,Iplannedtotravel.Tobouncebackandforth.Ifhehungitup,thenIhadoptions.
MyplaceinVegaswaswaiting.I’dreturn.OrIwouldn’t.Butfirst…Eloise.
Thesilencebetweenusstretched.Shelookedeverywherebutatme.
Whathadhappenedtothewomanwhotalkedtoomuch,whovoicedeverythoughtinherhead?MaybeshewasaslostforwhattosayasIwas.
“Sorry.”Thatseemedlikeagoodenoughplacetostart.
“Things,um…theygotalittleoutofhandonSaturday.”Thecolorroseinhercheeks.“I’msorrytoo.”
“It’smyfault.”
ThreedaysofreplayingeverymomentfromSaturdayandIstillcouldn’tfigureoutwhatexactlyhadhappened.ButIrememberedeverysecond.Fromthefountaintothechapel.Theimageofher—writhingbeneathmewiththathairspreadoutinsilkystrandsacrossawhitepillow,thatmouthpartedinecstasy—wasbrandedonmybrain.
Asurgeofbloodrushedtomygroin.Damnit.That,too,hadbeenaconstantthepastthreedays.ItseemedIcouldn’tthinkofEloiseandnotgethard.Ifrowned,pissedatmyself,andcastmygazetothewindows.
“Youdowanttogetthisannulled,though,right?”sheasked.
“Yeah.”Noquestion.“Thesoonerthebetter.”
“Phew.ThankGod.”Theairrushedfromherlungs.“Justchecking.”
Annulmentwastheonlyoption.Sowhydidherreliefbothermesomuch?
Ishookitoff,facingherwithmyarmscrossedovermychest.“I’vegotagoodlawyer.Icanreachouttohimandgettheprocessmoving.”
“Okay.ObviouslyI’veneverdonethisbefore.”
IwishedIcouldhavesaidthesame.
“ShouldIgetalawyerofmyown?”sheasked.
“Ifthatwouldmakeyoufeelmorecomfortable.”
“Maybe.Idon’tknow.”Shetuggedherbottomlipbetweenherteeth,thinkingaboutitforamoment.“I’llletyouknow.”
“’Kay.”Inodded.“Bettergivemeyourphonenumber.”
“Right.”Shepulledherphonefromherjeanspocket,waitinguntilIrecitedmynumber.
Amomentlater,myowndingedfromwhereitsatonthekitchenisland.
“Anythingelse?”Iasked.
“No,uh,yes.”Shegavemeanexaggeratedfrown.“Ihavesomethingshappening.Goodthings,Ihope.Butthiswassortof,um…irresponsible.Anditwouldbegreatifwecouldkeepitasecret.”
“Asecret.”Itwasn’tlikethathadn’toccurredtometoo.Butjustlikeherrelief,itburned.
“Yes,Ireallyneedthistobeasquietaspossible.Especiallyfrommyfamily.”
“Soyou’reaskingmenottotellFoster.”
“Exactly.”Shesighedagain,moreofthatirritatingrelief.
“Tolietomybestfriend.”
Aflashofpaniccrossedhergazebeforesheclaspedherhandstogether,shakingthemasshepleaded,“Please,Jasper.Myfamilywillfreakoutaboutthis.Andmyentirefuturehangsinthebalancehere.”
Thatwasabitmelodramatic.Oritshouldhavebeen,buttherewasnothingbutsincerityonherface.Anddesperation.“Wecan’thidethisforever,Eloise.”
“Notforever.Justuntilit’sannulled.I’drathertellpeoplethatwemessedupandfixeditthanhaveanaudiencewhilewe’reintheprocessofunravelingamess,youknow?”
Amuscleinmyjawflexedasmyteethclenched.
“So,isthatayes?You’llkeepitasecret?”
Fuck.Ireallyhatedlying.AndnottellingFosterfeltlikealiebyomission.Butmaybeshewasright.Maybeitwouldbebettertoatleastgettheannulmentstartedbeforeannouncingthismarriage
Unlesswecouldn’tgetanannulmentandthisturnedintoacompleteclusterfuck.I’dsavethatheadacheforanotherday.
“Fine,”Iclipped.
“Thankyou.Okay,uh…”Eloisepointedoverhershoulderforthedoor.“I’llgetoutofyourway.Ineedtogetbacktowork.Andjustcallme,Iguess,whenyouhearfromyourlawyer.”
Mygazedroppedtoherassasshewalkedaway,takinginherslendercurvesandthelonglineofthosesexy-as-fucklegs.
Mybody’sreactionwasinstant.Heatfloodedmyveins.NogoodwouldcomefrommefantasizingaboutEloise.YetIcouldn’ttearmyeyesaway.
Sheslippedoutthedoor,thewidecurlsinherhairbouncingasshejoggeddownthestairs.Thedoortohercarslammedclosed,andmomentslater,thesoundofhertiresonthegraveldisappeared,leavingmealoneinsilence.
“Marriage.”Ichewedonthewordandspititout.
Asecretmarriage.
Fosterwasgoingtobeatmyassforthis.
We’dbeenfriendsforyears.Bestfriends.We’dmetwhenI’dstartedgoingtothegymwherehe’dtrainedinVegas.Thetwoofushadclickedinstantly.He’dneededastrongertrainer,someonetopushhimbeyondhislimits.Inturn,he’dchallengedmetoo.
Hiscareerhadgivenmeapurpose.Hiswinsweremine.Sowerehisfailures.
Ifhedidretire,itwouldbetheendofaneraforusboth.Whatnext?
“Ican’tdoadamnthinguntilIgetanannulment.”Oradivorce.
Iballedmyfists,anundercurrentoffrustrationbuzzingbeneathmyskin.
Afuckup.Ihatedfuckups.
Normally,I’dspendafewhoursintheringwithFoster,throwingpunchesandkicks,fightinguntilthefrustrationebbed.ButifIcalledhim,he’dwanttoknowwhyIwasangry.He’dwanttotalk.
AndI’djustagreedtokeepmydamnmouthshut.
SoIheadedforthestairs,ignoringthebagsthatneededtobeunpackedandthelaundrythatneededtobewashed.
Ichangedoutofmyjeansandboots,swappingthemforsweatsandtennisshoes.Then,withmyearbudsinandloudmusicblaring,Iheadedoutsideandstartedrunning.ItwasattheendofAldersonRoadthatmyphonedinged,thechimedrowningoutthemusic.
Diggingitout,IkeptrunningasIreadFoster’stext.
Makeithome?
Itypedoutaquickreply.Yep
Sorrytheycouldn’tgetyouonourflight
Yeahtoobad
FosterandTaliahadreturnedtoMontanatodaytoo.WhenI’dtoldhimIwasflyingbackearlierthanoriginallyplanned,he’dsentmetheiritineraryinthehopesIcouldjointhem.
ExceptI’drequestedthelateroption,notwantingtoseeFosteryet.NotbeforeI’dspokentoEloise.MaybebecauseI’dknownitwouldbehardtokeepthetruthtomyself.
Asecret?HowwasIsupposedtokeepthisfromhim?
TherewerethingsFosterdidn’tknowaboutme.HeknewI’dbeenmarriedonce,butIhadn’tsharedthosedetails.
Nooneknewwhathadhappened.
NoonebutSam.
Exceptthiswasentirelydifferent.Eloisewouldbehissister-in-lawbeforelong.Ofthat,Ihadnodoubt.Thatmadeusbrothersbylaw.
Myfeetstopped.Myhearthammered.
Notfromtherun,butfromthereality.
Fuck,hewasgoingtobefurious.Therewasachancethiswouldendourfriendship.
“Damnit.”Ibent,swipeduparockfrombesidetheroadandthrewitashardaspossibleintotheforest.Ithitatreewithaloudthwack,thendroppedwithamuffledthud.
FosterwasoneoftheonlypeopleinthisworldItrustedwholeheartedly.He’dearneditbyconfidinginmehisugliesttruths.
He’dtoldmeabouthishistorywithTalia.Themistakeshe’dmadeyearsago.Hisdesperationtowinbackherheart.Hiswillingnesstogiveupeverythingforherlove.
TaliaandIdidn’tknoweachotherwell,butthefactthatshe’dbeenwillingtoletgoofthepast,toforgiveFoster,well…notalotofpeoplehadthatstrengthofcharacter.
They’dbothgivenmetheirtrust.
AndthiswashowIrepaidthem?Withasecretmarriage?Asecretannulment?
Thiswaswrong.
Eloisehadbegged,butIshouldn’thaveagreed.Asecretwouldonlymakeitworse.
IspunaroundandsprintedfortheA-frame.WhenIreachedtheporch,Iwentstraighttotheshowertorinseoffmyrun.ThenIswipedmykeysfromthekitchencounteranddroveintotown,parkinginanemptyspaceonMain.
Therewasn’talottoQuincy,Montana.Isupposedformost,thatwasitsappeal.Ihadn’tdecidedifIlikedthesimplicityofthissmalltown,orifitwasthereasonIfeltthisconstantrestlessness.
Downtownhadbecomearegularhangoutspot.I’dspentnumerousafternoonswalkingupanddowntheblocks,peeringthroughstorefrontsandofficewindows.Therewasn’tarestaurantIhadn’teateninatleasttwice.
Andinthecenterofitall,thetallestbuildinginsight,stoodTheEloiseInn.
Imarchedtowardthehotel,abouttoopenthelobbydoors,whenabeautifulfaceappearedintheglass.
“Oh.”Eloise’seyeswidenedasshesteppedoutside.“Sorry.Uh,sir.”
“Sir?”Whatthefuck?
Eloisegulped.ThenbeforeIcouldinformherweneededtorevisitthissecretidea,sheduckedpastmeandrushedaway.
Shepracticallyflewdownthesidewalk,reachingthecornerandlookingbothwaysbeforeshecrossedthestreet.
“Whatthefuck?”
WasshereallygoingtopretendlikeIwassomenamelessstranger?ThatIhadn’tbeeninsideherdaysago?
“Hellno.”Istormedawayfromthehotel,followingheracrossthestreet.
Shewalkedwithherheaddown,chintuckedandherhandspullingonthehemsofhersweater,usingittocoverherfingersandkeepthemwarm.
I’dforgottenajacket.Thislong-sleevedteewastoothinforthecold,butmybloodwasaninferno,raginghotterwitheverystep.
EloiseheadedawayfromMain,downastreetintoaresidentialneighborhood.Wereachedtheendofablock,andshekeptonmoving.
SodidI.
Shewassupposedtoerasethebad.Shewassupposedtobeabeautifulpictureoveranuglydrawing.This?Nothelping.
Ididn’tneedtwomiserableexperienceswhenitcametomyex-wives.
Bythestartofthesecondblock,mylongstrideshadclosedthegapbetweenus.Itrailedherbythreefeet.
Sheheardmebehindherandglancedoverhershoulder,thoseblueeyesnarrowing.Butshedidn’tstopwalking.
SoneitherdidI.
“Jasper,”shehissed,shootingmeaglare.“Peoplearegoingtoseeus.”
“Who?”Iheldoutmyhands,lookingaroundthedesertedstreet.Notasoulwasoutintheiryard.Itwastoofuckingcold.Andnoonehaddrivenbyeither.
Shefrowned,facedforwardandkeptonwalking.
“Youcouldatleastnotrunawaywhenyouseeme.”Orcallmesir
“Wejustagreedtokeepthisasecret.”
“SothatmeansI’mafuckingstrangertoyounow?”
Shehuffed,herbreathabillowingcloudassheturnedoffthemainsidewalkforawalkway.She’dchangeddirectionssofastthatI’dblownpastherandhadtoturnaroundtofollowhertoasmall,single-levelhousewithdenim-bluesidingandawhitedoor.
Eloisestoppedonthestoop,bendingtoliftupthecornerofherwelcomematandpulloutakey.
“Notagreatplacetohideyourhousekey,”Isaid.
“Who’shidingit?”Shesliditintothelock.“That’sjustwhereIleaveit.”
Iblinked.“Youleaveyourhousekeyoutsideyourhouseforanyonetofind?You’rejoking.”
Shedidn’tanswer.Sheshovedinsidethehouse,droppingherphoneonasmalltableintheentrywaybeforewalkingtotheadjoininglivingroom.
Iclosedthedoorbehindusandfollowed.
Shewhirled,herhandsflailingintheair.“Whydidyoufollowmehere?”
IwasabouttotellherI’dchangedmymind.ThatIcouldn’tkeepthisfromFoster.ButIdidn’tgetthechance.
“Youcan’tjustfollowme.”Shewavedahandbetweenus.“Ifpeopleseeus,they’llknow.Ifmyparentsfindout,I’llloseeverything.They’llthinkI’mnotresponsible.They’llthinkIhaven’tchanged.They’llthinkIcan’tbetrustedwithTheEloise.Thenthat’sit.Poof.Theyalreadydidn’twanttogiveittome.TheyalreadytriedtogiveittoKnoxandprobablywouldhaveexcepthesaidhedidn’twantitbecauseyeah,maybeIwasn’treadyforitthenandmaybetheywererightaboutmebeingtooclosewiththeemployeesbutit’sbeenagoodyearandseriously,thiswillruineverything.”
Shegulpeddownsomeair.Thenshestartedpacing.
Thetalking?Didn’tstop.Apparentlymywifedidn’tneedtobedrunktoramble.
ItwaslikebeinginVegasalloveragain.Iwatchedher,transfixed,andunabletolookanywhereelse.
Anothermanmighthaveglancedaroundherhouse.Madesureaserialkillerhadn’tusedhernot-so-hiddenkeytobreakinwhileshe’dbeenatwork.
ButIjuststared.
“Whydidwegetmarried?”Herhandsdoveintoherglossyhair.“Wecouldhavejusthadsex.Idefinitelywouldhavehadsex.Alotofsex.Becauseitwasgoodsex.Imean,wecouldhavekepthavingsex.Butthis?Myfamilyisgoingto—”
“Eloise.”Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,myeyessearchinghers.
Hershouldersslumped.“IhavetoshowthemI’mresponsible.”
Oh,howIhatedthatwordoutofhermouth.Shewastoofree,toopureofheart,tobetrappedbytheexpectationsofothers.
“Fuckresponsibility.”
“Jasper.”Shefrowned.“Nothelping.”
Ididn’tlikethefrown.SoIsealedmylipsoverhersandkisseditaway.
Shewhimpered,herbodystiffening.
No,thatwasn’tright.ThebestpartaboutSaturdaywasthewayshe’dmeltedforme.SoIbackedoffenoughtowhisperagainsthermouth.“Relax.”
“Ican’t.”
“Youcan.”
Ittookheramoment,buthereyesdriftedclosed.Thetensioncreptfromherframe.WhenIlickedtheseamofherlips,shemoaned.AndthistimewhenIkissedher,shesankintoit,lettingmeslideinside.
Damn,butshetastedgood.BetterthanSaturday.Howwasthatpossible?
Wouldsexbebettertoo?
Therewasonlyonewaytofindout.CHAPTERFIVEELOISE
Jasper’stongueslidagainstmineinalazyswirlbeforehepulledaway,plantingakissonthecornerofmymouth.Soft.Sweet.Thenhewhippedthesweaterfrommybodyfastenoughtomakemegasp.
Heswalloweditwithaplunderingkiss,thendevouredmymouth.Hispalmsflattenedonmyskin,pressingandpushing,hismovementsroughandfeverish.
Onemomenthewasslow.Thenext,frenzied.
Jaspermademyheadspin.JustlikehehadonSaturday.Hesetthepace,andtherewasnooptionbuttokeepup.Therewasnopredictinghisnextmove.TherewasnochanceformymindtowanderortothinkofanythingotherthanJasper.
Mybody,mybrain,wasinaconstantstateofanticipation,hangingontheedge,waiting,wonderingwhathe’ddonext.
Nomanhadevercommandedmesoentirelyduringsex.Probablywhynomanhadevermademecomeashard,asfast,asJasper.Hefuckedlikedeliveringpleasurewashissolepurposeinlife.
“Jasper.”Myfingersdoveintohishairashismouthdroppedtomypulse,suckingandlickingawettrailtowardthehollowofmythroat.Shiverseruptedonmybareskin.
Hecuppedmybreast,theentirecurvefittingintothepalmofhiscapablehands.
Itwasagentlecaress.Histhumbtracedmynipplethroughthelaceofmybra.Thenwithalightning-quicktug,thecupwasyankeddownandthatsamethumbgavethesamepebblednippleaflick.
Thencamethepinch.
“Ah.”Ihissed,archingintohistouch.
Hismouthreplacedhisfingers,drawingthepeakofmybreastpasthislips.Histongueflattened.Whenhisteethgrazedmyskin,afreshwaveofdesirepooledinmycore.
“Yes,”Imoaned,myeyesflutteringclosedasIleanedintothetouch.
Oneofmyhandsunthreadedfromhishair,tradingthosedark,softstrandsforthesmoothfabricofhisshirt.Iballeditintomyfist,holdingtightwhilehetorturedmynipple.Iheldonwithallmymight,keepinghiminplace.
“More.”
Hebitmeagain,followeditwithahardsuck,andreleasedmynipplewithapop.
Thenhetrailedhismouthacrossmysternum,freeingtheotherbreasttogiveitthesametreatment.
Theacheinmycorefeltlikeajackhammer,thebeatpulsingbetweenmylegs.
Ishovedhisshirtuphisribs,needingtofeelhisnakedskinagainstmyown.Needingtofeelhiminsideme.
“Fuckme.Please.”Ifhestoppedhere,leftmesuffering,I’dneverforgivehimforit.
Jaspergrowled,releasingmybreast.Thenhetookholdofmywrist,tearingmyhandfreefromhisshirtbeforehereachedbehindhisheadandyankeditfree.
Mykneesquaked.God,thatwassexy.Icouldwatchthatmoveamilliontimesanditwouldnevergetold.
Thechiseledplaneofhischestwaslikeamagnettomyhands.Iflattenedmypalmsagainsthispecs,rovingup,down,sidetoside.Thedustingofblackhairoverhisheartscrapedagainstmyskin.
Iroseuponmytoes,tooshorttoreachJasper’smouth.Butitdidn’tmatter.Heslammedhislipsonmine,stealingmybreath.
Ourtonguesdueled.Ourteethclashed.Itwasakissbetweentwopeoplewhohadn’tmemorizedeachother’smouthsyetbutwerecrammingineverydetail,likethere’dbeatesttomorrowandwewerehellbentonacrashcourse.
Myfingersdippedintothevalleysofhiswashboardabsbeforeskimmingovertheirpeaks.
Jasperseemedintentontouchingeveryinchofmytorso.Histouchwaslikeatorch,leavingsparksinitswakeasheunclaspedmybraandrippeditfreefrommyarms.
Theheatfromhischestonlymademynipplesharder.Hisarousaldugintomyhip,sendingashiverdownmyspine.
Jaspertorehismouthaway,hispantingbreathminglingwithmyown.Hiseyesweresodarktheywerenearlyblack.Amusclefeatheredinhisjaw.Thecordedlinesofhisneckstrained.
Whatwashedoing?“Whyareyoustopping?”
Hisnostrilsflared.“Eloise—”
“Don’tstop,”Iwhispered,takingastepaway,instantlymissingtheheatfromhislargebody.ThenIflickedopenthebuttononmyjeans,draggingthezipperdownbeforepushingthemoffmylegs,shimmyingthemtotheflooralongwithmypanties.
Hishandsballedintofists.Thecutmusclesinhisarmsflexed.Hiscockbulgedbehindhisjeans,longandthick,swellingagainsthisthigh.
Mymouthwentdry.Jasperwasbig.I’dbeensoreafterSaturdaynight,andhidingitfromLylaaswe’dtraveledhomehadonlymadethetripmoremiserable.
Wasthisreallyagoodidea?
Ishovedthatthoughtaway.Maybeitwasreckless,butrightnow,IneededhiminsidememorethanIcared.
“Jasper.”Itookanotherstepaway,silentlypleadingwithhimtofollow.
Myheartclimbedintomythroataswestaredateachother.
Hisindecisionwasaspotentasthedesireswimminginmyveins.
Icravedhim.Onlyonenight,andJasperValehadbecomeanaddiction.
Buthestoodunmoving,hischestbarelyrisingashebreathed.Theonlysignsoflifewerethosedarkeyesdraggingovereveryinchofmynakedbody.
Ifoughttheurgetocovermyself.Toreachformyclothespuddledonthefloor.ThiswastheboldestI’deverbeen.Mynervesbubbledtothesurfaceandspewedfrommymouth.
“Don’tstop,”Ipleadedforthesecondtime,thedesperationunmistakable.“Please.Idon’teveractlikethis.Withmen.Mysexlifeisdull.TheguysI’vedatedhavebeenunderwhelming,tosaytheleast.”
Anorgasmhadbeennearlyasrareasaphonecallthenextday—byme,notthem.Mostofmypastlovershadn’tearnedasecondchance.
“ThenSaturday…Ididn’tknowitcouldbelikethat.”
MaybethiswassomethingJaspercouldwalkawayfrom.Maybethesexhadbeenjustokay.Amanwiththatbody,thattalentedtongue,probablyalwayshaditgood.
WhatifIwaslackluster?Oh,no.Ithadn’tbeenthatgoodforhim,hadit?Whyhadn’tthatoccurredtomebeforeI’dtakenmyclothesoff?
“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.Thiswasabadidea.Wehaveenoughcomplications.Youshouldgo,andI’mgoingtoshutup.”
Thendieofembarrassment,nakedinmylivingroom.
Myhandslifted,abouttocovermymound.Exceptatthatexactmoment,Jaspersurged.
Alongstrideandthespacebetweenusvanished.Hislipssealedovermine,andImoaned,thereliefatidalwavethatcrashedintomybones.Wasthispity?DidIcare?
No.Notashistongueslidagainstmine.
MyfingersfumbledwiththebuttononhisjeansuntilImanagedtoflipitfree.Thezipperstrainedtobeunlocked.Myhanddoveintohisboxers.Iwasdesperatetofeelhiminmyhand,tostrokethatsteel.
ExceptJaspertoreawaybeforeIcouldgriphim,battingmyhandawayashetoedoffhisbootsandwrenchedhisjeansfreefromthosebulkythighs.Hisblackboxerbriefscamewiththepants.
Myheartskippedatthesightofhim,hiscockhardandheavybetweenus.Apearldropglistenedatthehead.
Sinewandsin.
Icouldstareatthisnakedmanfordaysandnotgetenough.
Jasperreachedforme,takingmebytheelbowtospinmearound,hischesthotgraniteagainstmyback.Thenhepushedmetowardthebackofmycouch,theleathercoldagainstmybellyashebentoverme.
Hisbreathwashotagainstmyskinashespokeintomyear.Hiscockfitintothecrackofmyass,hispalmskatingovermycheek.“Thenexttimeyoutalkaboutanyothermaninsidethisbody,I’llspankyourasssoredyouwon’tsitforaweek.”
Mybreathhitched.Mypussyclenched.WhydidIwantthat?
Jasperreachedaroundmyhip,hisfingertipsfeatherlightastheytracedtheinsideofmythigh.
Myentirebodytrembledashemovedhigher,inchbytorturousinch,untilfinallytheydippedintomydrenchedslit.
“Thisbody.”Henippedatthebaseofmyneckashisfingerslippedinside.“YouthinkIdidn’tlikefuckingyou,Eloise?”
Whetheritwashisskilledfingerorthewayhegrowledmyname,Iwasn’tsure,butmytoescurledintothecarpet.
“Ihaven’tbeenabletostopthinkingaboutthispussy.”Hisfingereasedout,shiftingtomyclit.“Whathaveyoudonetome?”
Amewlescapedmythroatasheflickedmyswollenbundleofnerves.“Jasper.More.”
“Youwantmycock,angel?”
“Yes.”Ipressedagainsthim,tiltingmyhips.
Hisfingercircledmyclitagain,drivingmewild.Thenhelinedupatmyentranceand,inasinglethrust,buriedhimselftothehilt.
Icriedout,myeyessqueezingshutasIadjustedtohissize,savoringthatstretchasmybodymoldedaroundhis.
“Fuck,youfeelgood.”Hisarmswrappedaroundmychest,trappingmeinplace.Hishipsdrovehimevendeeperandtheworldfadedaway.
Heeasedoutslowly,thenslammedinsideagain.Hisarmsloosenedandhestoodtall.WhenIshifted,tryingtostraightentoo,hispalmsplayedacrossmyspine,betweenmyshoulders,holdingmeagainstthecouch.
SoIextendedmyarms,bracingagainstthebackofthecouchasIroseuponmytoes,pushingagainsthim.Myheadwasalreadyspinning,floatingtothestars.
Jasper’shandsgrippedmebythehips,histouchbruising.
Tomorrow,I’dhavelittleindents,blueandblack,justlikeIhadonSundaymorning.Thosemarkshadfadedtoofast,andIwantedthemback.
Herockedustogether,overandover,thesoundofslappingskinfillingthequiethouse.
“OhGod,Jasper.Thatfeelssogood.”
Alowgroancamefromhischest,thesoundshootingstraighttomycore.Thepistonofhishipswasperfectandeachtimehethrustforward,hehitthatspotinsidethatmademeshake.
Thepalmhehadonmyspinesliddownmyback,circlingthedimplesabovemyassbeforetrailingaroundmyhip.Thecaresswassosoftcomparedtothepowerbehindhisthrusts.Ifelthimeverywhere,eachcellinmybodyathismercy.
Hetickledmyribs.
Itearnedahalf-laugh,half-cry.JasperknewexactlywhereIneededthosefingersbuthewastoyingwithme.
“Jasper,”Ipanted,lettinggoofthecouchtosnaghishand,bringingitbetweenmylegs.
“Youwanttocome?”
“Yes.”Myvoicewasabreathyplea.“Touchme.”
“Touchyourself.”Herippedhishandfreeofmygrip,bringingittoabreast.Herolledmynipplebetweenhisfingerandthumb,thenheplucked.Hard.
“Ah.”Myyelpbouncedaroundtheroomasmyfingersslidtomycenter.
Hedrovedeep,stoppingwhenhewasrooted.“Feelustogether.”
Iobeyed,myfingershesitantasIreachedforwherewewereconnected.I’dneverdonethisbefore.I’dwatchedhimdisappearintomybodyonSaturday,butthis…Myeyessqueezedshut,myfingersdoingtheseeing.
Myheartthundered,mypulseroared,asIfelthisshaftandthestretchofmybodyaroundhisthickness.Anewshiverrolledovermyshoulders.
Jaspershifted,hischestpressingagainstmybackoncemoreashishandabandonedmynipple.Hereachedforustoo,hisfingersfindingmine.Thenherubbedatmyslickfolds.“You’redrippingforme.”
“Yes.”Inodded.“Onlyyou.”
Helacedhisfingerswithmine,bringingthemtomyclit.Thenheeasedhiscockoutashishandguidedmine,circlingslowlyatfirstashishipsmatchedtherhythm.
Firelickedmyveinsasthepleasurebuilthigherandhigher.Myheartracedasmylimbstrembled.HisthrustshitexactlywhereIneededhim.Hisfingersdrovemewild.HesentmeflyingtowardtheedgeuntilIshattered.
Whitestarsstolemyvision.Pleasurecapturedmybreath.IbrokeintoathousandtinypiecesasIlostmyselftotheecstasy,feelingnothingbutJasperasIcame,pulseafterpulse,longerandharderthanI’devercomeinmylife.
“Fuckme.”Jaspercameonaroar,thesounddullcomparedtothebloodrushinginmyears.Hisbodyshookagainstmine,allthosehonedmusclesclenchingandtremblingashepouredinsideme.
Ittookminutes,hours,tofloatbacktoearth.IwasinahazewhenIfinallycrackedopenmyeyes.
MyhandwasstillthreadedwithJasper’sandtouchingmycore.Hisotherarmhadwrappedaroundmyshoulders,holdingmeagainsthimashisheartpoundedagainstmyspine.
“Wow,”Ibreathed.
Hestood,bringingmewithhimandpeelingmefromthecouch.
Myhairwasinmyeyes.Mybodyfeltboneless,andifnotforhisarm,Iprobablywouldhavefaceplantedonthefloor.Mylegshadlostalltheirstrength.
Histeethgrazedmybareshoulderasheeasedout.Hiscomeleakeddownmythigh,andwithourhandsstillthreaded,hetouchedmycenter.
“I’mnotkeepingthisasecretforever,”hesaid.“ButI’lldoit.Fornow.”
Thatsentencesoberedmeinstantly.Myeyespoppedopen.“Howlong?”
“Figureoutawaytotellthem,Eloise.OrIwill.”
Igulpedbutnodded.Hewasright.Thiscouldn’tcontinueindefinitely.“Just…givemeacoupleweeks.”
“Fine.Inthemeantime,don’tpretendlikeI’mnoone.”Hesmearedourreleasesalongtheinsideofmythigh,thendraggedourstickyfingerstomybelly,markingmetheretoo.“Don’trunawayfromme.Don’tpretendthatyoudon’tknowwhatitfeelslikewhenI’mfuckingyou.”
Okay,somaybethathadn’tbeenmybestdecisionearlier.Inmydefense,Ihadn’texpectedtoseehimandI’dpanicked.
Jaspertuggedhishandfreeandsteppedaway,leavingmeonswayinglegs.
Iheldontothecouch,regainingmybalance.
BythetimeIturnedaround,he’dalreadypulledonhisjeans.Hisshirtcamenext,tuggedquicklyoverthatbroadcheststilldampwithsweat.
“Youwantmetofuckyouforawhile,fine.”Hesteppedintohisboots.“I’llgiveyoutheorgasmsthelosersfromyourpastcouldn’t.ButwhenIseeyouonthestreet,youlookatme.”
Alumpformedinmythroat.
Ihadn’tmeanttohurthim.Tomakehimfeellikenothing.ButIwasafraidthatwhenIlookedathim,anyonearounduswouldsee.They’dseethedesire.Thecraving.Theintimacy.
“Jasper—”
Hedidn’tletmeapologize.Hemarchedoutthedoor,slammingitclosedbehindhim.
Heleftmestandingnakedinmylivingroomwithhiscomestilldrippingdownmyleg.
“Shit.”Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands,bitingtheinsideofmycheektokeepfromcrying.
I’dmessedup.Again.
Somehow,I’dmanagedtomakeJasperfeelused.Cheap.
Wasthatwhatothermenthoughtofme?ThoseguysI’ddatedandhadn’tcalledagain,didtheyfeellikeI’dusedthem?
Mydatinghistorywasatrainwreck.Mymarriagehistorywasn’tanybetter.
“OhGod.Ihaveamarriagehistory.”
Mystomachchurned.Someday,I’dmeetthemanofmydreams.Andwhenheaskedmetomarryhim,whenweexchangedvows,itwouldn’tbeforthefirsttime.Myhearttwisted,mychinbeginningtoquiver.
Iwasmarried.
Iwasabouttohaveanex-husband.Iwouldbeanex-wife.Shamespreadacrossmyskinlikearash.
TherewasnoerasingwhathadhappenedinLasVegas.Myonlyoptionatthispointwastofixit.
SoIsquashedtheurgetocry,toscream,andcollectedmyclothesfromthefloor,bundlingthemagainstmychest.Icarriedthemdownthehallwaytomybedroom,wheretheyweredroppedinmyhamper,thenIrushedthroughashower,erasingJasper’scologneandthescentofsexfrommybody.
Withmydamphairtwistedinaknot,Idressedinapairofsweatsandgrabbedmylaptopfrommytinyoffice.IspentthenextthreehoursresearchingMontanadivorcelawyers.
MytopchoicewasawomaninMissoula.ShewasfarenoughawayfromQuincythathopefullynoonelocalwouldeverfindout.ButshewasalsocloseenoughIcoulddrivetheretomeetifneeded.Iputheratthetopofmylist,notingmysecondandthirdchoicestocallinthemorning.ThenIsteeledmyspineandmadeacall.
Tomyhusband.
“Yeah,”Jasperanswered.
“I’msorry.Aboutearlier.AboutrunningfromyouandpretendinglikeIdidn’tknowyou.Ipanicked.”
Heblewoutalongbreath.“It’sallright.Thisis…”
“Fuckedup?”
Hebarkedadrylaugh.“Yeah.”
“I’mgoingtocallalawyerinthemorning.”
“’Kay.Ileftamessagewithmine.”
“We’llletthemgetthissorted.AndI’lltellmyfamily.”Somehow.
Hehummedhisagreement.
Thesilencestretchedforafewheartbeats.ThiswaswhenIshouldhangup,butIjustsatandlistenedtothenothing.Jasper’sscentmightnotbeonmyskinanymore,butIwassittingonthecouchandhisspicy,woodsyscentstillclungtotheairinthelivingroom.
Iftheymadethatsmellintoacandle,I’dburnittwenty-fourseven.
“Weshouldprobablystophavingsex.”Ihatedthewordsthemomenttheycameoffmytongue.Butitwastimetostartfixingthosemistakes.
“Probablyasmartidea,”hesaid.
Itwasthesmartidea.Sowhydidthatmakemyspiritssink?
“Night,Jasper.”
“Bye,Eloise.”
Heendedthecall.
AsIstaredatthescreen,somethingtwistedinmystomach.
Likethatgoodbyewasn’tonlyfortonight.CHAPTERSIXJASPER
Youarecordiallyinvited…
Theweddinginvitationinmyhandmightaswellhavebeenaknife.Thesheetoftexturedecrupaperslicedstraightthroughmyheart.
“Fuck.”Itosseditonthekitchencounterbesidethestackofmailthathadbeendeliveredtoday.
IronicthatthefirstdayIreceivedmailattheA-frameasitsofficialownerwasthesamedaythatinvitationarrived.
MymailhadbeenforwardedfrommyplaceinVegastoMontanaforweeks.WhetherI’dboughtthiscabinornot,thatcardstillwouldhavefounditswayintomymailbox.Still,itfeltlikeabadomen.
Whywouldtheysendmeaninvitation?Whycouldn’teveryonejustleavemealone?
Ileftthekitchen,walkingthroughthehouse—myhouse—tothesliderthatopenedtothedeck.Thebabbleofthenearbycreekplayedquietlyinthebackground.Thebreezerustledthepineandfirtrees,makingtheirtrunkssway.Theairnippedatmyarms,cooldespitethesunstreamingthroughthesky.Lastnight’sdewhadmostlydisappearedbuttherewerestillafewdamp,shadyspotsthatgavetheairanearthy,richaroma.
Inthepastmonth,thesnowhadmeltedinthemountainvalleys,replacedwithshootsofgreensproutingfromtheforestfloor.Springwascoming,andthoughI’dbeenwarnedthatwe’dlikelyhaveatleastonemoresnowstorm,Icouldfeeltheenergyofanewseason.
Winterhadbeenvicious.Butthis?ThisIcouldlivewithforawhile.ForhoweverlongittookforEloiseandmetogetthisannulment.
Thewheelsofthelegalprocessweregrindingataglacialpace.Atthisrate,I’dbeherethroughsummer.
IthadbeenamonthsinceI’dspokentoEloise.OnemonthsinceI’dfuckedheragainstthecouchinherlivingroom.Onemonthsincethatwomanhadtwistedmeintoagoddamnknot.
OnemonthsinceI’dseenmywife
Turnsout,shedidn’tneedtopretendnottoknowme.I’davoidedherspectacularly.
Herattorneyhadcontactedmine,andasIrememberedfromthefirstroundofthisbullshit,legallyendingamarriagewasmoretimeconsumingthanitshouldhavebeen.We’dgottenmarriedinlessthananhour.Yetamonthlater,Eloisewasstilllegallymywife.
Hadshetoldherfamily,likeshe’dpromised?No.
Ifshehad,Fosterwouldhaveconfrontedmeaboutit.ButasfarasIcouldtell,beyondEloiseandme,notasoulinQuincyhadaclue.
Still,I’dkeptmymouthshut,justlikeEloisehadasked.Ihadn’ttoldFostereventhoughitwasgettingharderandhardertofacehimwitheverypassingday.Theputrid,crawlingguiltchurnedmyinsides.
Thissecretwaseatingmealive.
Maybeifithadbeenanyotherwoman,astranger,keepingthisquietwouldn’thaveburnedsofiercely.ButFosterandTaliawereengagednow.Eloisewashissoon-to-besister-in-law.Thisbetrayalextendedtohisfamily.
Andfuck,hewasgoingtobepissed.
Anotherirony.Ofallthepeopleinthisworld,havingFosterasmybrotherwasadream.Exceptwhenthiscameout,itwouldlikelyruinourfriendship.
MaybeI’dgetluckyandhe’dunderstand.
Unlikely,butamancouldhope.
Myphonevibratedinmypocket.Itcouldhavebeenahundreddifferentpeople.Butthatuneasyfeelingcamebackwithavengeance.Thebadomen.Andsureenough,whenIdugoutmyphone,afamiliarnamewasonthescreen.
SammusthaveknownIwouldhavereceivedthecardbynow.
Myheartbeganracing.WithitcamethatfamiliardisquietIcouldn’tseemtoovercomenomatterhowmanyyearspassed.“Hello.”
“Hi.”Onceuponatime,I’dlivedforthathi.“Didyougetmyweddinginvitation?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose.“Andwhat?”
“Areyoucoming?”
“No.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseit’sfuckedup.”Ofallthepeopleintheworld,Iwasthelastonewhoshouldgotothatwedding.
“Itisfuckedup.Butisn’tthatwhoweare?Isn’tthatwhowe’vebeensincewewerekids?”
Iwantedtoargue.“Maybe.”
“Good.Thenyou’llcome.”
“I’mnotcoming.”
“Whynot?DidyoudevelopadislikeforItaly?Orareyouafraidtoseemeagain?”
Yes.“No,”Ilied.
“Proveit.”
IthadbeenyearssinceI’dseenSam.There’dbeenatimewhenourrelationshiphadbeentheonlygoodinmylife.Fromthedaywe’dbondedovermutualdisdainforourasshatparents,we’dfilledavoidineachother’slives.We’dleanedononeanother.
Forsolong,ithadjustbeenus.Together.
Untilithadallfallenapart.
WasIscaredtofaceSamagain?Maybe.Mostly,IwasafraidofwhatI’dseeinmyself.IwasafraidI’dfindthemanI’dbeenonce,lingeringbeneaththesurface.Thatyearsofdistance,yearsoftryingtobebetter,hadn’treallydoneagoddamnthing.
Thatnomatterwhat,whenIlookedinthemirror,anunworthymanwouldbestaringback.
Yeah,IwasafraidtoseeSamagain.
“Ihavetogo.”Iendedthecall,thenIturnedawayfromtheview,stalkinginside.
FosterandIweremeetingatEdenCoffeethisafternoontocatchup.Sincehisfightlastmonth,he’dtakenabreakfromtrainingsoIhadn’tspenteverydaywithhimlikeusual.Whenhe’dtextedthismorningtoseeifIwantedcoffee,I’dalmostdeclined.
Hislackoftraininghadbeenmysalvation.IfIdidn’thavetofacehim,thenitwaseasiertokeepEloiseasecret.ButifIstayedawaytoolong,he’dsuspectsomething.SoIwalkedthroughthehouse,swipingmykeysfromthecounterandpausedtotakeonelastlookatthatinvitation.
Youarecordiallyinvited…
Thatcardhadbeensenttorubthisweddinginmyface,hadn’tit?SentsoI’dhavetosayno.SamhadtoknowthatIwouldn’tgo,notinamillionyears.
Unless…
WhatifIdid?
WhatifIwenttothiswedding?WhatifIshowedup,justtospitethepast?WhatifIhadchanged?
WouldIbeabletofinallyletgo?FinallygetthatfreedomI’dbeenchasingforyears?
“WhatifIwent?”Ipickeduptheinvitationandranafingeralongthehandwrittencalligraphy.
WasIseriouslyentertainingthisidea?Yeah.Damnit,maybeIshouldgo.Ifnothingelse,itwouldatleastgivemesatisfactiontoseeeveryone’sfacesasIwaltzedintothereception.ToprovetomyselfIwasoverthepast.
ThatIcouldfacemyparentsandSam,thenwalkawayagain.
AndifIcamewithadate…
Awife,maybe?
“WhatamIeventhinking?”Itossedtheinvitationonthecounterandheadedforthedoor.
Iwouldn’t—couldn’t—dothattoEloise,evenifonelookatherwouldsendSamintoatailspin.Besides,itwasn’tlikeEloisewouldwanttogo.Whywouldshe?Iwashersoon-to-be-forgottenex-husband.WhichmeantmyonlyoptionwastochecktheWithRegretsboxontheRSVPcard.
Mymolarsgroundtogether.
Youwin,Sam.
Iwantedtogo.Butyeah,Iwasafraid.Especiallytogoalone.
Hurryingoutside,gettingfarawayfromthatinvitebeforeIdidsomethingrecklesslikeaccept,IclimbedintomySUV,thendroveintoQuincy,doingmybesttoshakethatphonecall.
MainStreetwasbusy,likeittypicallywasonSaturdays.Aclusterofteenswalkedtowardthetheater.Awomanpushedababystrollertowardthelocaltoystorenextdoortothekitchengoodsshop.Twomen,eachwithsaltandpepperhair,emergedfromTheEloiseInn.
Ididn’tletmyselfglancethroughthefrontwindowsasIpassedthehotel.Wassheworkingtoday?
Ithadn’tbeenashardasI’dexpectedtostayawayfrommywife.Turnsout,IwasscaredtobeinthesameroomasEloiseEden.Ididn’ttrustmyselfaroundher.Shewastootempting.Tooirresistible.AndIclearlyhadnocontrol.
IfIgotaddictedtosexwithher,thetasteofhertongueandthefeelofherlips,thatamazingperfume,itwouldonlymakeithardertowalkaway.
AndthoughImighthaveboughtahouse,thatdidn’tmeanmuch.I’dbeleavingQuincysoonenough.
Justnottoday.
IparkedinanemptyspaceonMain.Foster’struckwasinfrontofEdenCoffee.
ThenameEdenwassplashedalloverthistown.Inmytimehere,I’dlearnedthattheEdenswereQuincy’sfoundingfamilyandhadlivedhereforgenerations.Basically,small-townroyalty.
I’dmistakenlymarriedtheirprincess.
MystomachknottedasIheadedforLyla’scafé.EdenCoffeewasstenciledingoldlettersonthefrontdoor.Today’sspecialwaswritteninwhite,swirlyscriptonachalkboardsandwichsigninthecenterofthesidewalk.Throughtheblack-panedwindows,IspottedFosteratatable.
ThebellabovethedoortinkledasIwalkedinside.
Helookedupfromhisphone,jerkedhischinandgrinned.“Hey.”
“Hi.”Idrewinabreath,smellingcoffeeandcinnamon.“I’mgrabbingacoffee.Wantarefill?”
“Nah.”Hepickeduphishalf-fullmug.“I’mgood.”
IwalkedtothecounterwhereLylawaswaitingwithawarmsmile.“Hey,Lyla.”
“Hi,Jasper.WhatcanIgetforyou?”
“Justacoffee.Black.”
“Yougotit.”Shesmiledwider,thenmovedtoalargecoffeepot,pluckingaceramicmugfromthenearbyshelf.“Haven’tseenyouaroundmuchlately.”
“Beenbusy.”Avoidingmywife.
Lylafilledmycup,thenbroughtitover.“Anythingelse?”
“No,thanks.”
“Sure,um,Iwaswondering…”Lylahesitated,likeshewasn’tsurewhattosay.Butbeforeshecouldfinish,thedoor’sbelljingled,stealingherattention.
Acouplewalkedtowardthecounter,soIslippedawaytolethertaketheirorder.
ItookthechairoppositeFoster’s.Thegurgleandhissoftheespressomachinesoundedfromthecounter.
“How’sitgoing?”Maybeifwekepttheconversationabouthim,hewouldn’tasktoomanyquestionsaboutme.
“Good.Damngood.”
“How’sTalia?”
“Alsogood.”Hesmiled.ItwasthehappiestI’deverseenmyfriendlook.“ShetookKadencetotheranchtodaytoridehorses.”
“Soundslikefun.”Iliftedmysteamingmug,carefullytakingasip.
Fosterleanedinabitcloser,thenjerkedhischintowardLyla.“TaliawouldkickmyassifsheknewIwassayingthis,butIthoughtyoushouldknow.IthinkLyla’sgotathingforyou.Don’tbesurprisedifsheasksyouout.”
Myhandshook,sohardthatascorchingdollopofcoffeesloshedintomymouth.Iwinced,settingthemugdownasmytongueburned.Well,fuck.
“Nah,Idon’tthinkso.”IriskedaglancetowardLyla.“She’sjustfriendly.I’macustomer.”
“Thinkit’smorethanthatbut…justlettingyouknow.”Fosterheldupahand.“I’vehadenoughsecretstolastmylifetime.I’mallabouthavingeverythingoutintheopenthesedays.”
Sonofabitch.Theguiltwasasbitterasmycoffee.
WhatwasEloisewaitingfor?Whyhadn’tshetoldthem?Maybeshe’dneverplannedtosharethetruth.Maybeshe’dpromisedwithnointentionoffollowingthrough.
Itookasip,notcaringwhenitscaldedmytongue.ThenIglancedtoLylaagain.
Shewassweet.Pretty.ShewasTalia’stwinandthesisterswereclose.ButwhenIlookedather,therewasnoupticktomypulse.Nocripplingdesiretotastehermouth.
TherewasonlyoneEdenIcouldn’tgetoffmymind.
Andhernamewasonthehotel.
“Itwouldn’tbotherme,”Fostersaid.“You,datingTalia’ssister.”
AndifI’dmarriedone?Wouldthatbotherhim?Iswalloweddownthequestionswithanothersearingmouthfulofcoffee.
Thiswasn’tgoingtoendwell,wasit?EverytimeIdelayedthetruthwasanotherdayFosterwouldhavetoresentme.
He’dspentyearslivingaliebeforehe’dmovedtoMontanatowinbackTalia.Maybehe’dunderstandmyreasoningforkeepingthismarriageasecret.Ormaybehe’dhatemeevenmoreforhidingthetruth.
IfLyladidhaveacrush,itwouldonlymakethingsworse.Damnit.ThatwasanaddedcomplicationIdidn’tneed.
She’dbeenattheclubinVegaswithEloise.I’dnoticedherstaringafewtimesbuthadn’tthoughtanythingofit.MostlybecauseI’dhadmyeyeonEloiseinthatsultryblacktubetopandsexy-as-fuckjeans.
Yes,Lylawaspretty.
Butshewasn’tEloise.
Thecoffeeshopdooropenedagainandbootspoundedacrossthefloor.
“Daddy!”Kadenceracedthroughtheshop,herchestnutbraidswingingacrosshershoulders.
Taliacameinbehindher,smilingasshefollowed.
FosterhoppedoutofhischairintimetocatchKaddieassheflewintohisarms.“Howwasit?”
“Somuchfun.”Shegiggledashetickledherside.“Canwegoagain,Talia?”
“Ofcourse.”Talianodded.
“Tomorrow?”Kaddieasked.
“Um,sure?”Talialaughed.“Aslongasit’snotraining.”
Therain,I’dtake.Toomanyyearslivinginthedesert.Icravedawet,rainyspring.
“Wantasnack?”Fosterasked,settinghisdaughterdown,nudginghertowardthecounterwhereLylawaswaiting.ThenhebenttogiveTaliaakiss.“Good?”
“Reallygood.Itwasfun.”ShesmiledatFoster,thetwoexchangingafewquietwordsbeforeshegreetedme.“Hey,Jasper.”
Iraisedmyhand.“Hey,Doc.”
“Fostertoldmeyou’regoingtostickaroundforawhile.”
“Yeah,alittlebit.”
“Hecan’tlivewithoutme,”Fosterteased.
Igaveaquiet,nervouslaughasIshookmyhead.
TheythoughtIwasstayingtokeeptrainingwithFoster.I’dletthembelieveI’dboughttheA-framebecauseIwasgrowingattachedtoMontana.
Intruth,buyingthecabinhadbeeneasierthanmoving.Thatwouldcomesoonenough.
WhileEloiseandIsortedthroughthelegalbullshitofanannulment,itwouldbeeasierifwewereinthesametown.Sothreeweeksago,I’dcalledtheownersoftheA-frametoextendmyvacationrental.Exceptthey’dinformedmetheyweregoingtosellitthisspring.Theywantedtocapitalizeonthepeakmarkettime.
IlikedtheA-frame.Ilikeditssolitude.Itscozynature.
SoI’dboughtitmyself.Incash.
Whenthismarriagewasannulled,I’dbetheonetosellit.Maybeevenmakeaslightprofitifthetimingwasright.
Thoughitalldependedonthecourts.
Eloisewassetongettinganannulment.Shewantedajudgetosaythismarriagehadneverexistedinthefirstplace.Butthegroundsforanannulmentwerelimited.Accordingtothelatestupdatefrommyattorney,hewasskepticalthatwe’dbegrantedone.Meaningwe’dhavetogothroughwithadivorce.
Eitherway,whenthisthingwithEloisewasdone,I’dleaveQuincy.I’dbidfarewelltoMontana,hopefullylongbeforeanotherinsufferablewinter.
MyplaceinVegaswasstillanoption.MaybeI’dheadbacktowardtheEastCoast.Iwouldn’tliveinMarylandagain,butIhadahouseinNorthCarolina.IcouldspendafewmonthsintheOuterBanksfiguringoutmynextmove.
OrmaybeI’dleavethecountryalltogether.IalsohadanapartmentinEdinburgh,andifIwantedrain,Scotlandwouldn’tdisappoint.
“I’mgoingtosayhitoLylaandgetsomewater,”TaliatoldFoster,pattinghisabsbeforeheadingtothecounter.
Fostertookaseatbuthiseyesstayedlockedonhiswoman.
TaliasmiledasLylaslidato-gocuptoKadence,thetopnearlyoverflowingwithwhippedcream.ThenasKaddiereturnedtoourtable,Talialeanedinclosertotalktohertwin.
Lylahadbeenabouttoaskmesomethingearlier.AsshespoketoTalia,hereyesflickedmydirection,andwiththatquickglance,theflushofhercheeks,mystomachplummeted.
Shedidhaveacrush,didn’tshe?HowhadImissedit?DidEloiseknow?
“Youallright?”Fosterasked.
“Yeah.”Ishiftedmyattention,watchingKadenceasshesippedherhotcocoa.“Great.”
MaybeLylahadmistakenmyfrequentvisitstothecoffeeshopasinterest.Lylawasafantasticpastrychef.Ilikedhercroissants.TheyremindedmeoftheonesourchefhadmadewhenIwasakid.Butromantically?No.
Besides,Iwasalreadymarried.
Thedoor’sbellchimedagain,andafamiliarfacecameinside.Vivienne,Kadence’smother,walkedtoourtable.Likeme,shewasnewtoMontana.
AfterherdivorcefromFoster,she’dbeenengagedtoaguyinVegas,butthey’drecentlysplit,soshe’dmovedheretobeclosetoKadence.
Foryears,VivienneandFosterhadbeenbestfriends.Theirmarriagehadbeenafarcebutthey’ddonetheirbestforKadence.Exceptlastmonth,beforethechampionshipevent,VivienneandFosterhadgottenintoahugefight.
Eversince,he’dbeencoldanddistant,Foster’sgrudgetakingonalifeofitsown.Ihopedlikehellhewouldn’tholdoneagainstmetoo.
God,Ihatedthis.Ihatedthesecret.Ihatedlying.
Itwasn’tright.Thelongerthiscontinued,theworseitwouldget.Amonthwouldbehardenoughtoexplain.Buttwo?Three?
OnelookatFosterandVivienne,thetwoofthembarelymakingeyecontact,andIknewwecouldn’tcontinueonthisroad.NotifIwantedtokeepFoster’sfriendship.
Fuckme.Eloisewasgoingtobelivid.
VivienneandFostertradeddetailsaboutKadence’sschedulewhileTaliagrabbedalidforKaddie’shotchocolate.Then,afteratensegoodbye,Vivitookherdaughter’shandandleftthecoffeeshop.
“Areyougoingtobepissedatherforever?”Wouldhehatemesomedaytoo?
“No.”Fosterdraggedahandthroughhishair.“Timetoletitgo,isn’tit?”
Taliatooktheemptyseatbesidehim,holdingoutherhand.
Lylawasn’tbehindthecounter.Shemusthaveduckedintothekitchenforsomething.WhichmeantifIwantedacaptiveaudiencewithFosterandTalia,thiswasmychance.
I’dwarnedEloise.
Hertimewasup.
Icouldn’tkeepthisasecretanylonger.
“Sinceyou’rebothhere.I,um,needtotalktoyouaboutsomething.”Damnittohell.Thiswasgoingtobepainful.Isatstraighter,tryingtofindtherightwords.“I,uh,well…Ifuckedup.”
Nottherightwords.Shit
“Whathappened?”Fosterasked.Hetensed.SodidTalia.
“Isortof…I,um…fuck.”Irubbedmyjaw,swallowinghard.ThenIclosedmyeyesandblurted,“Imarriedyoursister.”
“What?”Talia’sjawdropped.“YoumarriedLyla?”
Lyla.Ofcourseshe’dthinkthiswasLyla.Becauseshehadacrushonme.WhileEloisepretendedIwasagoddamnstranger.
“Uh,notexactly,”Imuttered.
Anotherjinglesoundedfromthedoor,andthenthereshewas.Thesourceofmymisery.
“Oh,uh,hi.”EloisecametostandbyTalia’sside.Thecolorroseinhercheeks.Hereyesdartedeverywherebutatme.
Howcouldsheignoreme?Icouldn’ttearmydamneyesaway.
Andthat,well…thatfuckingpissedmeoff.Ifshecalledmesir,Iwasgoingtolosemyever-lovingmind.
“Hi,”Taliasaid.“Jasperjusttoldusthat—”
“OhmyGod,youtoldthem?”Eloiseshrieked.“Howcouldyoutellthem?Weagreedtokeepthisasecretuntilitwasannulled!”
No,we’dagreedshewasgoingtotellthem.
“Wait.”Fosterleanedforward,pointingbetweenthetwoofus.“Youtwogotmarried?”
Iwasabouttoexplain,butEloisekeptontalking.
“Noweveryoneisgoingtofindout.Gah!Damnit.I’mneverdrinkingagain.”Shespunaround,joggingforthedoor.
Ishotoutofmychairandchased.“Eloise,wait.”
Shedidn’t.
Shejustkeptonrunning.
Again.
SoIchasedherdownthesidewalksofQuincy.
Again.CHAPTERSEVENELOISE
“Eloise.”Jasper’shandwrappedaroundmyelbow,stoppingmebeforeIcouldroundthecorneranddisappeardowntheblocktowardmyhouse.“Letmeexplain.”
“No.”Iwhirled,shakingloosehisgrip.“Howcouldyoudothat?Howcouldyoutellthem?Weagreedtokeepitasecret.Maybeyoudon’tcarewhatpeopleinQuincythinkaboutyou.ButIdo.Thisismytown.Thisismyhome.Thisismyfamily.YoutoldTalia.Mysister.Youareathief,JasperVale.Youareathief.”
He’drobbedmeofthechancetoexplain.
Gonewasmyopportunitytofixthis.GonewasmyhopetokeepthisquietuntilI’dworkedupthecouragetotellmyfamilythetruth.Iglancedacrossthestreet,towardTheEloise.
Didthismeanmyhotelwasgonetoo?
Mychinbegantoquiver,furyandfrustrationbubblingtothesurfaceastears.“Thischangeseverything.”
“Yousaidyou’dtellthem.”
“Ididn’t,okay?”Myhandsflewoutatmysides.“Notyet.Iwasgoingtobut…”
ButIwasacoward.
“Youshouldhavechecked.”Ipokedafingerintohischest.“Youshouldhavewaited.”
“Fuck.Iknow.”Hedraggedahandthroughhisdarkhair,andthatwasit.Endofexplanation.
“‘Iknow’?Just…‘Iknow’?”Myhandsballedintofists.Never,notonceinmylife,hadIwantedtohitsomeone.EvenasachildwhenI’dfoughtwithLylaorTaliaoveratoy.EvenmyfreshmanyearofhighschoolwhenMateohadsnuckintomyroomandreadmydiary.Today?Iwantedtopunchmyhusbandinthathandsomeface.
“I’msorry.”Jaspersighed.“I’msorry.Ididn’tplanontellingthem.It’sbeenfestering.Weweresittinginthecoffeeshopanditjustcameout.”
“Itjustcameout.Seriously?Itjustcameout?”
We’dkeptthisasecretforamonth.JasperandIhadavoidedeachother,relyingontextsandemailsforthefewtimeswe’dneededtoexchangedetails.Otherwise,weletourlawyersdothespeaking.
Buttoday,ithadjustcomeout?
“Ican’tbelievethisishappening.”Myphonevibratedinmycoatpocket.IpulleditoutandturneditsoJaspercouldreadTalia’snametoo.“Wouldyouliketoanswerthis?”
Jasper’sjawticked.
“Didn’tthinkso.”Ideclinedthecallandreturnedittomypocket.BeforeIspoketoanyone,Ineededtothinkofwhattosay.“OhmyGod.Myparents.”
MomandDadweregoingtokillme.
Myhandsdoveintomyhair,pullinghardatthestrands.
“Eloise—”
“Weweresoclosetohavingthisbehindus.”Myvoicewaspracticallyashriek.“Sofreakingclose.Wejustneedtheannulmentand—”
“We’renotgoingtogetit.”
Nowhesoundedlikemyattorney.“Wemight.”
“Wewon’t.Whichmeanswe’relookingatadivorce.”
Divorce.Myinsidestwisted.Mylawyerhadwarnedmeaboutthis.She’dsaiditwouldbeeasierifwejustgotdivorced,ifwedidn’tevenbotheraskingforanannulmentbecausetheyweresotrickytoobtain.
ButIdidn’twantadivorce.Iwantedthismarriagegone.Erased.
Iwantedittobelikeithadneverhappened.
Iwantedittobemysecret.
Forever.
ThatwastherealreasonIhadn’ttoldmyfamily.BecauseI’dletmyselfhopefortheannulment.I’dconvincedmyselfthatIcouldmakeJasperagreetokeepthissecretpermanent.Thennoonewouldeverhavetoknow.Notmyparents.Notmysiblings.Noone.
StupidEloise.
Anotherstupididea.
Ishouldhavetoldthem.Nowitwastoolate.
Jasperhaddoneitfirst.
Thelumpinmythroatbegantoclose,butImanagedtocroakoutasingleword.“Why?”
Hecheckedoverhisshoulder,takinginthesidewalk,makingsurenoonewascloseenoughtohear.“Lylahasacrushonme.”
Iblinked,leaningincloserbecauseIcouldn’thaveheardhimright.“Saythatagain.”
“Lyla.Yoursister.”
“Yes,I’mawarethatLylaismysister,”Ideadpanned.
“Apparentlyshe’sgotathingforme.”
“No,shedoesn’t.”Didshe?
Lylahadn’tmentionedit.Thoughwe’dbothbeenbusylatelyandhadn’tspentalotoftimealonetogether.Inthepastmonth,I’donlyseenheratMomandDad’s,whenwe’dallmetattheranchforafamilydinner.Thehousehadbeennoisyandchaotic.Notexactlythebesttimeforsisterstogababouttheircrushes.Butstill,shewouldhavehinted,right?
“Howdoyouknow?Didsheaskyououtorsomething?”Myheadbegantospin.“Doyou…doyoulikehertoo?Wait.WasthatwhyyoutoldFosterandTalia?BecauseyouwanttodateLyla?Doessheknowwegotmarriedtoo?”
I’drunfromthecoffeeshopsofastthatIhadn’teventhoughtaboutLyla.
“OhmyGod.Youwanttodatemysister.Andwe’remarried.”Iswayedonmyfeet,abouttodoubleoverandvomitonhisboots.
ButJasper’sarmswerethere,wrappingaroundme,holdingmesteady.“Breathe.”
Mylungswouldn’twork.Mystomachwasdoingcartwheels.
Thiswashappeningtoofast.Nothingwasgoingaccordingtoplan.Jasperwas…mine.
Hewasn’tminebuthewasmine.Sortof.
HowwasIevergoingtofacehimifhefellinlovewithLyla?HowwasIgoingtoforgetthathe’dgivenmethebestorgasmsofmylife?HowwasIgoingtoseethemtogether,knowingwhatitfeltliketohavehiminsidemybody?
“Breathe,angel.”Jasper’svoice,lowandsmooth,soundedinmyear.
“Ican’t.”Mychestheaved.Theworldtiltedsideways.Wasthisananxietyattack?
Yep,Iwasgoingtopuke.
OnemomentIwasswayingonmyfeet,thenext,theyweresweptoutfrombeneathme.
Jaspercradledmybody,holdingmeagainsthischestashewalked.
Istiffened,openingmyeyesbecauseIwasn’treadytogobacktothecoffeeshop.Tofacemysisters.
ButJasperwalkedtowardthestreet,carryingmetohisYukon.
Withapop,thepassengerdooropenedandhesetmeontheblackleatherseat.Heclosedmeinside,thenroundedthehood,climbingbehindthewheelandstartingtheengine.Withaquickglanceinhismirrors,hereversedawayfromthecurbandheadeddownMain.
Hehitabuttonontheconsole.Myseatwarmers.Thenheturnedupthetemperature,glancingoverwithhiseyebrowsfurrowed.
HowdidheknowIwascold?
Oh,right.Iwasshaking.Wasitthecold?Orwasitsheerpanic?
Ididn’taskwhereweweregoing.Ididn’tcare.Ijustclosedmyeyes,waitinguntilthewarmthseepedintomyskinandthetremblinginmyfingersstopped.
TheSUVslowedbeforeJaspertookacorner.Thenthewhirlofthetireschangedtoacrunchasweturnedoffthepavementandontoagravelroad.Icrackedmyeyesasastreetsignflewby.
AldersonRoad.HewastakingmetotheA-frame.
Strange,howI’donlybeenthereonce,buttheideaofthatcabinsoothedsomeofmyworries.Andthisconversation,nomattertheoutcome,wouldbebesthadinprivate.
“Sorry,”Iwhispered.“Forfreakingout.”
“Myfault.”Jaspershifted,hiswristdrapedoverthewheel.“Better?”
Inodded.“Gettingthere.”
Thedrivedownthegravelroadsettledmoreofmynerves.Therumbleofthewheels,thebounceandjostleyoudidn’thaveonasphalt.Itremindedmeoftheranch,ofthecountlesshoursI’dspentridingshotgunwithDadashe’dcheckedpasturefencesorcountedcattle.
MyqueasystomachandclammypalmsweregonebythetimewereachedtheA-frame.Mykneeswobbled,justslightly,asIhoppedoutoftheYukonandfollowedJasperinside,whereIwasgreetedbythescentofawoodfireandJasper’scologne.
“Whathappenedtoyourdiningroomtable?”Iasked.InsteadoftheroundoaktablethathadbeenherethelasttimeI’dvisited,therewasablackfoldingcardtablewithfourmatchingchairs.
“Iboughtthisplace.”Hetossedhiskeysonthesmallkitchenisland.“IcalledtheownersafewweeksagotoaskifIcouldextendmyrental.Theywerewantingtoselltheplace.SoIboughtit.Mostofthefurnishingstoo.Buttheywantedthetable.”
“Youboughtthis?”DidthatmeanhewasstayinginQuincy?Evenaftertheannulment?
Myheadstartedtospinagain,soIwalkedtothecardtable,sinkingintooneofthefoldingchairs.
“I’msorry,”Jaspersaid.“I’msorryItoldthem.”
“Whoknows?”
“JustFosterandTalia.Ithappenedaminutebeforeyoucamein.”
Iswallowedhard.“AndLyla?”
Heblewoutalongbreath,leaningagainsttheisland.“I’mguessingTaliawilltellher.”
“Butyoudidn’t?”
Heshookhishead.“Ididn’tknowshefeltthatway.”
Myheartbegantorace.“Anddoyou?Feelthatwayabouther?”
“No.”
Reliefcrashedthroughmybones,mymusclessagging.Maybeitwassilly,feelingthisclaimonJasper.Okay,itwasdefinitelysilly.Wewereformerloversandsoon-to-beformerspouses.Butstill,theideaofhimwithLylamademewanttoscream.
“I’llhavetotellLyla,”Isaid.“IfTaliadidn’talready.”
Myphonevibratedinmycoatpocketagain.Ididn’twanttochecktoseewhowascallingthistime.IwastooscaredtoseeMomorDadonthescreen.
“I’mmadatyou,”Imurmured.
“I’mmadatyoutoo.Yousaidyou’dtelltheminacoupleweeks.Youdidn’t.”
Ifrowned.“I’maware.”
“Don’tyouthinkitwillbebetterthisway?Ifpeoplefindoutfromusinsteadofgossip?”
“Ornotatall,”Imurmured.
Jasperstudiedmyface,hiseyesnarrowing.“Youweren’tgoingtotellthem,wereyou?”
Theblame,thescorn,inhisvoicemademewince.“Nooneneededtoknow.”
Hisjawclenched.“That’swhyyouwanttheannulment.”
“Doyoureallywanteveryonetoknow?”
Jasperdidn’tanswer.Hejustcasthisgazetowardtheislandandthestackofmailonitssurface.
Itturnedquiet.Tooquiet.Hemightbeokaywiththeselongstretchesofsilencebuttheymademesquirm.Thevinylbeneathmythighssqueaked.
Hehadarighttobeangry.SodidI.
Butthedamagehadbeendone.Bybothparties.
Hidingthismarriagewasnolongeranoption.
“Howdidyoutellthem?”IaskedJasper.“FosterandTalia?Howdidyoutellthem?”MaybeIcouldstealhisexplanationbecauseatthemoment,myowneludedme.
Hesighed.“ToldthemIfuckedup.”
Brutal.Buteffective.Andtrue.“Thenwhat?”
“SaidImarriedyoursister.TaliaassumeditwasLyla.Thenyouwalkedinthedoor.”
Tofreakoutandannounceourmarriage.
“Ugh.”Idroppedmyelbowstothetable,lettingmyheadfallintomyhands.“Whatacluster.”
Myphonevibratedagain.Thecuriositywastoomuch,soIslippeditout.Talia.She’dcalledthreetimes.Lyla,onlyonce.
“Howdowefixthis?”Thequestionwasformyself,butJasperanswered.
“Whatifwecalledoffthelawyers?”
“Huh?Whatdoyoumean?Wehavetogettheannulment.Or…adivorce.Weneedthelawyers.”
Jasperstaredatthatstackofmailontheisland,hisexpressionfocusedonwhateverwasonthetop.“Whatifwestaymarried?”
Irubbedmyears.Theydidn’tseemtobeworkingrighttoday.“Saythatagain.”
Hestoodstraighter,hisgazewhippingtome.“Whatifwestayedmarried?”
“Youwanttostaymarried.Howdoesthatfixthis?”
“Hearmeout.Whatifthismarriagewasn’tsomedrunkenmistake?”
“Exceptitwasadrunkenmistake.”Hadheforgottenthatwe’dbothbeenridingthealcoholexpressaswe’dwalkedintotheCloverChapelandmessedupourlives?
“Weknowthat,”hesaid.“Nooneelsedoes.”
“Idon’tunderstand.”Ipressedmyfingerstomytemples,totheheadachethathadsentmetoLyla’scoffeeshopinthefirstplace.Ithadfadedmomentarily,duringmypanicattack.Butitwasbrewingagain,ragingbehindmyskull.
“Insteadofhidingthis,whatifweownedit?Telleveryonewegotmarried.Admititwasrushedandreckless.Buttellthemthere’ssomethinghereandwe’regoingtoseeifitworks.”
Myhandsfellalongwithmyjaw.“Staymarried.Tome?ButIjustannouncedtothecoffeeshopthatwe’regettinganannulment.”
Jasperliftedashoulder.“Wetellthemit’snotafor-surething.Whichitisn’t.Andthatwe’rejustexploringouroptions.”
Staymarried.Thatwasimpossible.Wasn’tit?
Jasper’sgazeflickedtothestackofmailagain.Itwassubtle.Butsomethingonthatstackkeptdrawinghisattention.
“Whatareyounottellingme?”Iasked.
Hefacedme,pinninghisshouldersback,makingthemseemevenbroader.“Ineedafavor.”
“AndI’mguessingthatfavorhassomethingtodowithwhateveryoukeepstaringat.”Ipointedtothemail.
Jaspernodded,pluckingasquarecardfromthestack.“IneedtogotoaweddingattheendofJune.Gowithme.”
“Asyourwife?”
“Asmywife.”Thewayhisvoicedipped,lowandgravelly,sentashiverrollingovermyshoulders.
“Andafterthewedding?”
“We’llgetdivorced.”
Divorced.There’dbenoannulment.Noerasingthismistake.
“Iknowyouwantthistobeannulled,”hesaid.“Buttherewasalwaysagoodchancewe’dhavetogothroughwithadivorceinstead.”
Myshouldersslumped.“Iknow.”
“I’lltaketheblame,”hesaid.“Youcantelltheworlditwasmyfault.TellyourfamilyIwasahorriblehusband.TellthemIcheatedorsomething.”
“No.”Mylipcurled.Iwasn’tgoingtopaintJasperouttobeapersonhewasn’t.“They’dhateyouforthat.Fosterwouldhateyou.We’lljusttellthemitdidn’tworkout.”
Jaspertookonesteptowardme,thenstopped.“Doesthatmeanyou’lldoit?”
Didit?Mymindwasreeling.
I’dgonetoEdenCoffeeforsomecaffeinetochaseawayaheadache.Lessthanthirtyminuteslater,JasperandIwerediscussingafakemarriage.
“Who?”Iasked.“Whosewedding?”
Jasperdroppedhisgaze,staringathisbootsforalongmoment.Thenheliftedhischinandwhateveropennesshe’dhadamomentagointhosedarkeyeswasgone.Theylookedshielded.Hard.
“Myex-wife’s.”CHAPTEREIGHTJASPER
TherewasagapinthetreessurroundingtheA-frame.Itwasnomorethantwentyfeetindiameter,butitwasenoughtoseepasttheneedlesandboughsandsweepinglimbstotheglowingmidnightskyabove.
Thebreezebroughtwithitthescentofpine.Smokefromthefireplacetrickledfromthecabin’schimney.Anowlhootedinthedistance,butotherwise,itwasquiet.Peaceful.Empty.
IfIstoodherelongenough,neckcranedtotheheavens,wouldthestarsoffersomeadvice?Icouldusesometonight.
NotlongafterI’dhandedthatweddinginvitationtoEloise,watchingcloselyasshe’dreadittwice,she’dstoodfromthatcheapfoldingchairandaskedtobedrivenbacktotown.Sheneededtimetothinkaboutmyproposal.
SoI’dtakenherhome,droppedheroffatthecurb,thenwatchedasshe’ddugherkeyfrombeneaththematandslippedinside.
Ithadgoneagainsteverygentlemanlymannermyparents,tutorsandnannieshadinstilledinmenottoescortEloisetothedoor.Butdamnit,Ididn’ttrustmyself.
Ahot,mind-blowingfuckwasn’tgoingtochangethefactthatmylifewasadumpsterfire.EloiseandIhadenoughcomplicationsatthemoment.
WhenI’dreturnedtotheA-frame,I’dspentanhouronline,searchingforanewdiningroomset.Thecardtablehadalwaysbeentemporary.Ithadn’tbotheredme,notuntiltoday.NotuntilEloisehadsatinthatcheap,flimsychair.
Shedeservedbetter.
Infurniture.
Inhusbands.
Whatwasshethinking?WhatwasIthinking?
TheguiltI’dthoughtwouldvanishbyspillingoursecrethadonlygrown.I’dfuckedup.Again.
Eloisehadcalledmeathief.
Shehadn’tbeenwrong.
TellingFosterandTalia,takingthatchancefromher,mightjustbetheworstthingI’ddoneinyears.
WasthatwhyI’dpitchedthisideatostaymarried?BecauseIjustkeptscrewingeverythingup?
Notthatitwasahorribleidea.ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreitactuallymadesense.
CouldithelpEloisesavefacewithherfamily?Iowedherthat.
Fosterhadcalledmeearlier,butI’dletitgotovoicemail.ThatwasamessageIwasignoringuntiltomorrow.
I’ddealwiththefallouttomorrow.
Tonight,Ijustwantedtobealone.Tostareatthestars.
Aflickeroflightburstthroughthetrees.Headlights.Apparentlyalonewasn’tinthecardstonighteither.ItwasprobablyFoster,heretohavetheconversationIwasn’treadytohave.
Isighed,droppingmygazeandrubbingattheslightkinkinmyneck.ItwastoodarktomakeoutthevehiclethatturnedoffAlderson.SoIstoodintheclearing,waitinguntilthecarneared.WhenImadeouttheshapeofaSubaru,mypulsejumped.
Eloise
Sheparkedinfrontofthecabinandclimbedout.Theporchlightscaressedherface,chasingawaytheshadows.She’dchangedoutoftheblackslacksandsoft,blueturtleneckshe’dbeenwearingearlier.Herlong,tonedlegswereencasedindarkleggings.Hertorsowascoveredwitharacerbacktanktop,toothinandstrappyforthecoldnight.Herhairwastiedupinamessyknot.
“Hey.”
Shejumped,startledbymyvoiceandslappedahandoverherheart.“Shit,youscaredme.”
“Sorry.”IliftedahandasIwalkedover.“Didn’texpecttoseeyoutonight.”
Eloiseshruggedthosebareshoulders.“Iwasdoinglaundryandranoutofsoap.Iwasonmywaytothegrocerystore,butmycarsortofjustdroveitselfthiswayinstead.”
“Comeonin.”Iledherinside,waitingasshekickedoffhershoes.
Shepaddedtowardthelivingroom,gravitatingtothefireplace.“Haveyoutalkedtoanyone?”
“No.You?”
“Notyet.”Sheshookherhead,steppingevenclosertothestove,extendingherhandstosoakinitswarmth.
Atendrilofhairdrapeddownthelineofherneck,likeacrookedarrowdownherspine.Ifolloweditstrailtothesweetcurvesofherhipsinthoseleggings.
I’dratherseethemonthefloorthanonherbody.Allofthisseemedsimpler,easier,whenIwasinsideher.
“Okay,”shemurmured,moretoherselfthantome.Hershoulderssagged.Herhandsdroppedtohersides.Thensheturned.“Okay.We’llstaymarried.We’llgotothatwedding.Thenwe’llgetdivorced.”
Forthefirsttimeinhours,Ibreathed.Thankfuck.“Okay.”
Eloiseshuffledtothecouch,slumpingonitsedge.“Maybeifeveryonethinksthisisreal,I’llstillgetmyhotel.”
She’dmentionedthisbefore,lastmonthinherrambleofdesperationtokeepthisasecret.Ihadn’taskedatthetimewhatshemeant,butifweweregoingtodothis,thenIneededtoknowwhatshewasafter.
“Yousaidyourparentsdidn’twanttogiveyouthehotel.TheywantedtogiveittoyourbrotherKnox,right?”Iasked,takingtheseatbesideher.
“Yeah.”Sheblewoutalongbreath.“I’vebeenmanagingitforyears.EversinceIcamehomefromcollege.Mymomusedtorunitbutshe’ssteppedaway,justlikemydaddidwiththeranch.Myoldestbrother,Griffin,managestheranchnow.”
Ihadn’tmetGriffinEden,butI’dheardthenamearoundtown.Hiswife,Winslow,wasthechiefofpolice.
“Thehotelismine.”Theaggressivewayshespoke,thegrowlofthatwordmine.Atwingepinchedmyside.Almost…jealousy?
WasIreallyjealousofahotel?No.Thatwouldberidiculous.
“It’smydream,”shesaid.“Butit’sbeeninourfamilyforfivegenerations.I’mnottheonlyEdenwholovesthathotel.Myparents,mysiblings,myextendedfamily.Thetown.Failureisn’tanoption.”
“Andyouthinkyou’llfail?”Orwasthatcomingfromherparents?
“No.”Shesighed.“Maybe.Ihadanissueafewyearsagoanditrattledmyconfidence.MomandDad’stoo.HencewhytheywantedtogivethehoteltoKnox.”
Ishifted,turningsidewaysinthecouchtoputanarmacrosstheback.ThenIcrossedafootovermyankle,wantingtobeabletoseeherasshespoke.“Whathappened?”
Eloisetracedapatternontheleathercushionbetweenus,drawingimaginarysquaresandrectangles.“Mytenderheart.Orthat’swhatmymothercallsit.”
Notonceinmylifehadanyonecalledmyhearttender.IlikedthataboutEloise.Thatshewasaffectionate.Genuine.Unguarded.Ilikedthatshecouldramblewhenshewasdrunk,sayingwhateverwasonhermind,andloseherselfinamomentofpassion.
“Ihadanemployee,”shesaid.“It’snoteasytofindreliable,hardworkingpeopleallthetime,especiallythosewhoarewillingtocleanroomsandscrubtoilets.Maybethat’sbecauseQuincyissmall.OrmaybeI’dhavethesameprobleminalargecity.Idon’tknow.Butit’sdifficult.Idon’thavetheluxurytoalwaysbechoosy.IfIdon’thaveemployees…”
“Thenyoudotheworkyourself,”Isaidasshetrailedoff.
“Exactly.”Sheglancedupbutherfingerskeptskimmingthecouch’sleather.“Ihiredaguytodohousekeepingafewyearsago.Heseemednice.Hewassincereinhisinterview.Hedidn’thaveanyprevioushospitalityexperience,butit’sraretofindsomeonewhodoes.Andhewasonlyworkingpart-time.Ifiguredwecouldtrainhimalongtheway,andifthefitwasright,wecouldbumphimtofull-time.”
Thisassholehadtakenadvantageofher,hadn’the?“I’mguessingthefitwasn’tright.”
Eloisegavemeasadsmile.“Ithoughtitwas.Atfirst.Heshowedupontime.Hewasnicetomeandpolitetoguests.Hedidn’tgoaboveandbeyondbuthedidwhatIaskedhimtodo.Untiloneday,heskippedashift.I’dbeendoingsomeschedulechangesandthoughtmaybehejustmissedthecalendarupdate.SoIcoveredforhim.Thenextdaywhenhecamein,heapologizedoverandover.Saidhehadalothappeningandhadgottenconfusedabouttheschedule.”
He’dprobablyseenanopportunitytoexploitEloise’stenderheart
“Ithappenedagain.Andagain.Andagain.”Shetensed,hershoulderscurlinginwardasthatfingertipkeptdrawingpatterns.Circlesnow,insteadofsquares.“Mymomfoundout.Whichmeansmydadfoundout.Hecameintothehoteloneday,calledtheguyintotheofficeandgavehimawarning.Anotherskippedshiftandhewasgone.Guesswhathappened?”
“Heskippedanothershift.”
“Yep.”Eloisesighed.“Dadfiredhim.Iwouldhavedoneit,butDadsaidhe’dtakecareofit.Mostly,IthinkDadwasworriedI’dcaveandgivetheguyanotherchance.”
“Wouldyouhave?”
“IwishIcouldsayno,”shesaidquietly.“ButI’mhonestlynotsure.”
“Soyourparentsgotmadbecausetheyhadtofiresomeoneforyou?”Thatdidn’tseemlikeabigdeal.
“Oh,no.Itgetsworse.”Shescruncheduphernose.“Backthen,mostofuswouldgoouttoWillie’sforadrinkonceamonth.Iinvitedhimtocomealong.Ididn’twantanyonetofeelleftout.Hecameonce,thatfirstmonthafterhe’dstarted.Therewasawholegroupofusatthebar.Wehadafewdrinks.Playedpool.Laughed.Andattheendofthenight,Ihuggedhimgoodbye.Ihuggedeveryone.Nobigdeal.”
Therewasshameinhervoice,likesomeonehadmadeherfeelbadforwhoshewas.Forthatheart.Itpissedmeoffinstantly.Especiallyifthatsomeonehadbeeninherfamily.
“Iwastryingtoohardtobeafriendinsteadofaboss.Professionalboundariesweren’texactlymyforte.”
“Whotoldyouthat?”Iasked.
“Well,myparents.Butmostly,experience.”Herlipcurled.“TheweekafterDadfiredtheguy,weweresuedforwrongfulterminationandsexualharassment.”
“Damn.”
“HesaidIpropositionedhim.”Eloise’sarmswrappedaroundherwaist.“I’veneverfeltsodirty.Andyouknowtheworstpart?Istartedtodoubtmyself.IreplayedthatnightatWillie’sathousandtimes.Everysmile.Everylaugh.Everyword.IwonderedifI’dgonetoofar.IfanythingI’ddonecouldhavemadehimfeeluncomfortable.WhenallIwantedwastobenice.Includehim.”
Ileanedforward,droppingmyelbowstomyknees,shiftingjustabitclosertowardthathanddrawingonthecouch.“Idoubtyoudidanythingwrong.”
“Westillgotsued.IfIhadfiredhimafterthefirstshifthe’dskipped,itwouldhavebeendone.”
“Heprobablywouldhavesuedyouanyway.”
Shegavemeasadsmile.“That’swhatmydadsays.Thatnomatterwhat,theguywasalwaysgoingtobetrouble.Hegotasmarmylawyerandthoughthecouldgetrichsuingmyfamily.”
“Whathappenedwiththelawsuit?”
“Wewon.”Therewasn’tanounceofjoyinhervoice.Novictory.“Itwasstressfulandhorrible,butatleastwewon.MomandDaddealtwithmostofit.Theyknewitwashardonmesotheytookcareofit.”
Butindoingso,herparentshaddecidedshecouldn’thandlethehotel.
“I’veworkedhardtheselastfewyears,”shesaid.“Reallyhard.Nomorefriendshipswiththeemployees.NomorenightsatWillie’s.Whenevermyparentsneedafavor,Idropeverythingtosayyes.AndI’veapologizedtothemmoretimesthanIcancount.Mylifeisthathotel,andit’spayingoff.We’rehavingoneofthebestyearsever.”
“Thenisn’tthatenough?”
“Itshouldbe.”Sheblewoutalongbreath.“Myparentscametomelastmonth.TheythinkI’mready.Andinmyheartofhearts,IknowIcandoit.IknowI’mtherightpersontodoit.”
“Sowhat’stheproblem?”
“It’stakenthreeyears.Threeyearsofbeingperfect.Nomistakes.Norecklessdecisions.Until—”
“Me.”
Herfingerstoppedmoving.“Pleasedon’ttakethatthewrongway.”
Allthat,andshewasworriedherconfessionwouldhurtmyfeelings.ThatIdidn’tseeourmarriageasamistake.
Thattenderheartwasasbeautifulasthestarrynightskyoutside.
“Idon’t.”
Shebroughtherhandtoherlaptofidgetwithherfingers.“MyparentsthinkI’msoft.Tootrusting.Toonaive.MaybeIam.”
“You’reworriedthey’llthinkI’mtakingadvantageofyou.”
“Yes.”
“Doyouworryaboutthat?”Iheldmybreath,waitingforheranswer.WaitingtohearwhatkindofmanshethoughtIwas.
“No.Ithinkyouneedadatetoawedding.Andasyourwife,I’mtheobviouschoice.You’rehelpingme.I’llhelpyou.”
Myframerelaxed.Howshetrustedme,Iwasn’tsure.Butshecould.Ididn’tneedanyoftheEdenfortune.Iwasn’tinterestedingettinginvolvedwiththeirbusinessesormeddlingwiththefamilydynamic.Ijust…wastoomuchofacowardtofaceSamalone.
“Whyareyougoingtoyourex-wife’swedding?”Eloiseasked.
“It’scomplicated.”
Shegavemeasidewaysglance.“She’snotmarryingyourbrotherorfatherorsomethingstrangelikethat,isshe?Isawthatinamovieonce.”
Ichuckled.“No,nothinglikethat.I’mprettysuresheinvitedmeasadare.”
“Adare?Whatdoyoumean?”
“ToseeifI’dshow.ShetoldmeoncethatI’dneverbehappywithouther.Thisweddingisherwayoftestingme.”
Exceptthejokewasonher.Thisweddingwasgoingtobemywayoftestingmyself.Offacingthoseolddemons.
Itwasprobablyahorribledecision—wouldn’tbemyfirstorlastwhereSamwasconcerned.Thesmartthingtodowassayno.Todomybesttoforget.ExceptI’dbeentryingthatfortenfuckingyears.
AndIstillcouldn’tshakeher.
“Igetit.”Eloisenodded.“Ifyoudon’tgo,thenshewins.She’llthinkyou’remiserableorstillinlovewithher.”
“Somethinglikethat,”Imuttered.“LikeIsaid,wehaveacomplicatedrelationship.”
“Soundslikeit.”Eloiserelaxedintothecouch,herheadagainsttheback.“Thankyoufordoingthis.”
Myfingerreachedout,actingonitsown,totouchawispofhairathertemple.“I’mtheonewhoshouldsaythanks.Itwasmyidea.”
“Thinkitwillwork?”
Ishrugged.“Noidea.Butatthispoint,Ifigure…itcan’thurt.”
Sheleanedintomycaress,thosebrilliant,blueeyeslookingupatmefrombeneathlong,sootylashes.
Myheartthumped.Asparkzingedbeneaththefingerstilltoyingwithherhair.
“We’llhavetoconvincemyfamilythisisreal.”
Inodded,mygazeshiftingtohersoftlips,watchinghowtheyformedeveryword.
Eloisetalkedfast.Attimes,thewordsrantogether,andifIwasn’tlisteningclosely,I’dmisssomething.ButifIwatchedthoselips,Icaughteveryword.
OrmaybeIwasjusttotallyfixatedonhermouth.
“Nottojumpstraightintothefirehere,butweshouldtalklogistics,”shesaid.“First,weprobablyneedtostartbylivingunderthesameroof.”
TheA-frame.Ihadn’tseenmorethantheentrywayandlivingroomofherplace,butIwantedtostayhere.
“Actually…”Ishifted,inchingcloser.Myhandinherhairthreadeddeeper,slidingintothethicktressesathertemple.“That’snotthefirststep.”
“It’snot?”HerbreathhitchedasIleanedincloser.
“No.”Ibenttorunmynosealongthelongcolumnofherthroat.“First,wedothis.”
IwantedEloiseonmytongue.
HerpulseflutteredbeneathmylipsasIkissedmywaydownhernecktohercollarbone.Herheadlolledtothesideasherhanddriftedtomyhair.“Jasper.”
Thewayshesaidmyname…
Iturnedhardasarock.
Myhandstraileddownherthighs,stoppingatherknees.Istoodfromthecouch,andwithafastyank,Ipulledheruntilshewasflatonherback.
Eloisereachedforme,butIswattedherhandaway,reachingforherleggingsinstead.Withthewaistbandballedinmyfists,Ipeeledthemoffherlegs,whippingthemawaysofastsheyelpedandslidevendeeperdownthecouch.
Sheworeablackthong,thelacedelicatewithascallopededge.
Withoneswifttug,Ishreddedtheseams,sendingthescrapsailingovermyshouldertothefloor.
“Hey.”Shescowled.“Ilikedthose.”
“Whenyoumoveinhere,pantiesareoptional.”
“WhosaidIwasgoingtomoveinhere?”
“Me.”Igrabbedherankleandtossedalegoverthebackofthecouch.ThenIdoveforher,draggingmytonguethroughherwetslit.
“OhmyGod.”Herhandsthreadedintomyhair.Shehummed,relaxingandlettingherotherlegfalltowardthefloor.Openingherselfupformeentirely,herbodysofuckingresponsiveitmademycockweep.
“Youtastesogood,El.”Ilappedather,flatteningmytongueagainsthercenterbeforedroppingtomykneestolickandkisstheinsideofherthighs.
Eloisetrembled,herhipsliftingtomeetmymouth.
“Youlikemytongue,angel?”
“Yes.”Herhandswanderedovermyshoulders,thenupmynape.Likeshe’ddonewiththecouch,foreverylick,foreverysuck,shedrewacircleinthebackofmyhair.
Ifeastedonher,lostinhersweetnessandthesexymoansescapingherthroat.WhenIlatchedontoherclit,shegasped,herbackarchingoffthecouchasherlegsbegantotremble.
Butbeforeshecouldcome,Ieasedaway.
“Makemecome.”Shelifted,seekingmore.“Please.Don’tstop.”
Islidafingerthroughhertightheat.
Herwhimperfilledtheroom.“More.Babe,Ineedmore.”
Babe.I’ddothiseveryfuckingdaytohavehercallmebabe.Eloisewasn’tthefirstwomantousethatendearment.ButIlikeditinhervoicethebest.
Itwasjustmorepaint.Morecolor,morebeauty,coveringupmyuglypast.
Myarousalwaspainful,strainingagainstmyjeans,butIkeptmypantson.“Comeonmytongue.Thenyou’llgetmycock.”
Eloisemoaned,writhingagainstmymouthasIdevouredher,flutteringmytonguewhileIplungedtwofingersinside,curlingthemtothespotthatmadeherlimbsshake.Herfistsgrippedmyhair,holdingmeinplaceasherinnerwallsbegantopulse.“Jasper,I’m—”
Herwarningwascutoffbyascream,herbodynearlyrocketingoffthecouchassheexploded.Everymuscleinherbodyquaked.Hergriponmyhairwasunforgiving.Butnomatterhowhardshepulledorpulsed,Ikeptather,drawingoutherorgasmuntileverylasttendrilofherpleasurewasmine.
Shecollapsed,bonelessandpanting,herlegsspreadwideandherdrenchedcenterglistening.
I’dhaveherinbednext.I’dhavethatlithebodyspreadacrossmysheets,thathairundoneandtangledwithmypillows.
“Okay.”Sheletoutadreamysigh,hermouthturningupatthecorners.Hercheekshadabeautifulflush.
“Okay,what?”
“I’llmoveinwithyou.Butonlybecauseyouaskedmesonicely.”CHAPTERNINEELOISE
“Doyouthinkit’sabadideaforustokeephavingsex?”
“Now?”Jasper’scock,stillburiedinsideme,twitched.“Youwanttotalkaboutthisnow?Whenmycomeisleakingdownyourlegs?”
Igiggled.“Okay,let’stalkaboutitlater.”
“Yeah.”Heheldmetightforamoment.Hisarmswerewrappedaroundmyshoulders,hischestpressedtomyback.
Butlikealways,heletmegotoosoonandslidout.Thenhetuckedhimselfintohisjeansbeforebendingtopullupmypantiesandjoggers.
“Backtowork.”Heswattedmyass.“Whatroomdoyouwanttopacknext?”
“Bedroom?”We’dbeeninthemiddleofsortingthroughthekitchenwhenJasperandIhadbrushedagainsteachother.
He’dbeenclosingabox.I’dbeenfillinganother.Ourelbowshadtouched.Thatwasallithadtakenforthesparktoignite.
We’dflownateachother,kissingwildly.Thenhe’drippeddownmypants,freedhimselfandfuckedmeagainstthecounter.
SincelastnightattheA-frame,we’dhadsexthreetimes.Oncelastnightinhisbed.Oncethismorningintheshower.Andnowinmykitchen—formerkitchen.Thisdesireforhimwasoverwhelming.Startling.Everytimeweweretogether,Iwantedmoreandmore.
Thatwasnormal,right?Thiswasjustchemistry.Itwouldfadeeventually.Mostnewlywedsprobablycouldn’tkeeptheirhandsoffeachothertoo.
Granted,mostnewlywedshadprobablyintendedtogetmarried.Andtostaymarried.
WhileIwaslostinthissexualhazewithJasper,I’daskedmyattorneytogetajumpstartonpreparingourdivorcepapers.Thatwaythey’dbereadyoncewereturnedfromthisweddingattheendofJune.
“So.”Iputasetofmeasuringcupsintheopenbox.“Doyouthinkit’sabadideaforustokeephavingsex?”
“No.”Jasperheftedaboxinhisarms,themusclesofhisbicepsflexingashestrodefromtheroom.
Iwaited,thinkinghe’djustsetitwiththeotherboxesinthelivingroomandcomebacktoexpandonthatanswer.Butthenthefrontdooropenedandclosed.
“Goodtalk.”Withaneyeroll,Iwentbacktopacking.
Myhusband,Iwaslearning,hadaproclivityfortinysentences.Theshorterthebetter.
I’djustfinishedpackingthelastofthekitchenboxeswhenhestrodeintotheroom.
“Doyouwanttostophavingsex?”heasked.
“No.”BeforeJasper,I’dhadnoideasexcouldbelikethis.Addictive.Freeing.Thrilling.Therewerenoinhibitions.Wecametogetherwithfireworks.Themomenthetouchedme,theworldbeyondusdisappeared.
Hesnaredmyfocuswiththatgorgeousface.Withthewayeverymuscleinhisbodyflexedandbunchedwithraw,primalpowerashedroveinsideme.Jasperdeliveredtwiceasmuchpleasureashetook.
Sure,maybesexwouldmuddlefeelings.Maybeitwouldmakeitharderintheendwhenwepartedways.Ormaybewecouldjusttakeitforwhatitwas.
Sex.Crazy,phenomenalsex.
“Ilikefuckingyou,Eloise.”
Aflushcreptintomycheeks.Thatruggedvoice,hisrasp,alwaysmademybreathcatch.Hemightnotbeamanofmanywords,butwhenheusedthem,Ilistened.
Jaspercrossedthekitchenwiththatslowswagger,likeamanontheprowl.Evenhiswalkwashot.Asintoxicatingashisvoice.Hestopped,toweringinfrontofme.Itforcedmetotiltmychintokeephisgaze.“I’mgoingtokeepfuckingyou.”
“Rightnow?”Iwasokaywithrightnow.
Thecrinklesatthesidesofhiseyesweretheonlysignofhisamusement.ItwaslikeJasper’ssecretsmile.
Anditwasallmine.Fornow.
“Let’swrapuphere.”Heliftedhishandtomyface,hisfingertipsskimmingmycheekbone.“Headbacktothecabin.Spendtherestofthedayinbed.”
“Yes,please,”Ibreathed.
“Youlikethat,don’tyou?Italkaboutfuckingyou,andyourfaceturnsthisprettypink.Almostasprettyofapinkasyourpussy.”
“Jas,”Iwhimpered.Ifmyfacehadbeenpinkbefore,nowitwasaflamingred.
Hebent,hismouthawhisperagainsttheshellofmyear.“YoucallmeJaslater,okay?WhenI’msodeepinsideyouthatyou’llfeelmeinyourthroat.YoucallmeJas.AndI’llmakeyoucomesohardyou’llscream.”
God,Ilovedhisdirtymouth.
Hisfingerscametomythroat.Hishandwassolargethathecouldwraphispalmallthewayaroundmynapeandhisthumbcouldstilltracethelineofmywindpipe.Histeethnippedatmyearlobebeforehislipsskimmedmycheek.
Thenhewasgone,chucklingashestrodefromthekitchen.
Theairrushedfrommylungs,andIgrippedthecounterbehindme,holdingtightuntilmyheadstoppedspinning.Wow.
ForeplaywithJasperwasanexperiencelikenoother.Ithadbeenaneducation.
Withhim,foreplaydidn’tstarttheminutewehitthebedroom.Itstartedfirstthinginthemorning.Acasualtouchaswecrossedpaths.Asensualstare.Achastekiss.Dirtywordsandpromisesofwhatwastocome.
Ithadbeenmereminutessincehe’dgivenmeanorgasm,butIachedforanotheralready.Waitinguntilthepackingwasfinishedmightkillme.
Ishookmyhead,clearingthefog.ThenIswallowedhardandfollowedhimdownthehallwaytothebedroom.
Jasperhadalreadytakenthesuitcasesoutofmyclosetandhadthemstrewnopenonthemattress.“Youstartonclothes.I’llgetanotherboxforshoes.”
“Okay.”Imovedforthedresserjustashepassedby.
Hisarmtouchedmine,intentionally.Tinglescascadedacrossmyskin.
“You’reanevilman.”
Hechuckledfromthehallway.
Ismiled,collectingmypantiesandbrasfromthetopdrawer,tossingtheminasuitcasebeforemovingtotheseconddrawer.
We’dbetakingmostofmythingstotheA-frametoday.Theplanwastohaulovereverythingthatcouldfitinboxes.Thefurniture,we’ddealwithlater.Thiswasoursecondtripsofar,andwe’dneedatleastonemore.
ThoughifJasperwantedtodelaypackingandspendtherestofthedayinbed,he’dgetnoargumentshere.Icouldgrabtherestafterworkthisweek.Andifwewereinthebedroom,Icouldcontinuetoavoidreality.
Forjustanotherfewhours.
ThenIhadtofacemyfamily.
Mystomachtwisted.Otherthanmysisters,noonehadcalledmesincethecoffeeshopyesterday.Maybetheyhadn’ttoldanyone.Ormaybethey’dtoldeveryone.
ThefactthatIhadn’theardfromanyonewasbothrelievingandstressful.ButbeforeImadetheannouncement,IwantedtobeabletotelleveryonethatJasperandIwerelivingtogether.
IwasgoingtoconfessthatJasperandIhadgottenmarriedonawhim.Thatthepastmonth,we’dbeenspendingtimetogether.Gettingtoknoweachother.Andthereasonwe’dkeptitasecretwasbecauseI’dbeenunsure.Hencemyoutburstabouttheannulmentatthecoffeeshopyesterday.
ThenI’dtellthemthetruth.Wewerestayingmarried.I’dmovedintotheA-frame.Weweregivingitashot.
Nooneneededtoknowthatthat“shot”hadadeadline.
Theideaoflyingtomyparentsandsiblingsmademequeasy,soIfocusedonpacking.Packing,Icouldcontrol.
We’dalreadyfinishedthebathroomandoffice.Thekitchenhadn’thadmuchtobeginwithbecause,unlikeKnoxandLyla,Ididn’thoardgadgetsandcookbooks.
Onceeverythingwasatthecabin,I’dstarttheprocessofsorting.Whatwewouldn’tuseforthenextfewmonthsI’dputinstorage.TherewasanemptyshedtuckedintothetreesbehindtheA-framethatwasabouttogetstuffedwithboxesandmyfurniture.
I’dlivedinthishousefornearlytwoyears,butmyleasewasupinJune.Ihatedlettingthisplacego,mostlybecauseitwassoclosetowork.ButifIkeptthishouse,myparentswouldaskquestions.They’dhavedoubts.SoinanattempttoconvincemyfamilyandthecommunitythismarriagetoJasperwasreal,I’dletitgo.Evenifthatmeantamajorheadachethissummerfindinganewhouse.RentalsinQuincy,decentrentals,didn’tpopupoften.
Ispuninaslowcircle,takinginthebedroom’stanwallsandthickcrownmolding.I’dmissthislittlehome.
Thishousewascute.Old,butcute.Yes,thewintersweretoocoldandthesummersexcruciatinglyhotbecausethisplacehadbeenbuiltlongbeforedecentinsulationwasastandard.Still,ithadbeenmine.
WhenJasperandIpartedways,wherewouldIgonext?Withanyluck,maybeIcouldjustcomebackhere.Theremightbesomethingelsewithinwalkingdistancetodowntown.Worstcasescenario,Icouldmovetotheranch.
Therewasaloftapartmentabovethebarnathome.MyuncleBriggshadbeenlivingthereforawhile,buthisdementiahadprogressedtothepointwhereheneededmorecare,soMomandDadhadmovedhimintoalocalhomewithnursingstafftohelp.
Mateohadlivedinthebarnloftforawhilebeforehe’dmovedtoAlaska.Itwouldn’tbehorrible.Momwouldcookforme.ThatwasamajorbonussinceIwasstillworkingonrefiningmycookingskills.Butthedrivetotownalonewouldbetimeconsuming,especiallyinthewinterwhentheroadswereicy.
AndmypoorpridemightneverrecoverifIhadtomovehomeafterthedivorce.Icouldalreadyhearthesnickersatmyten-yearclassreunion.
“Lastresort,”Itoldmyself,thenfinishedunloadingthedresser,zippingbothsuitcasesclosed.
Myclosetwasnext.Maybewecouldjustleaveeverythingonthehangers.WasthereenoughroomintheA-frame’sclosetforallthis?
Wait.DidtheA-frameevenhaveacloset?Ihadn’tnoticedoneinthebedroomthismorning.Maybeitwasdownstairsbythelaundryroomorbathroom.
“Jasper,howmuchroomisintheclosetattheA-frame?”
Noanswer.Wherewashe?Wherewasthatboxformyshoes?
“Eloise,”Jaspercalled.
“Yeah?”Iholleredback.
“Comeouthere.”
Iheftedasuitcaseoffthebedandpoppedthehandle,draggingitbehindmedownthehall.“Howmuchroomdoyouhaveintheclosetatthecabin?”
Jasperstilldidn’tanswer.
“Canyounothearme?”
Silence.
“Apparentlynot,”Imuttered,trudgingtothelivingroom.WhenIreachedthemouthofthehallway,Icametoanabrupthalt.
Ohshit.
Jasperstood,legsplantedwide,armscrossedoverhisbroadchest,staringattwoangrymen.
Theyalsostoodwiththeirlegsplantedwideandarmscrossedovertheirchests.
GriffinandKnoxdidn’tsomuchasglancemydirection.TheirglareswerelockedonJasper.
Okay,soIguessTaliahadn’tkeptthisquiet.
MyheartclimbedintomythroatasIriskedastepintotheroom.Thetestosteronewasstifling.Itwaslikewalkingthroughadensefog.
“Hey!”Ismiledtoobrightly,hopingitwouldcoverupmynerves.
Nope.Myvoicewasshaky.Damnit.SomedayI’dmastercoolandcollectedwhenfacedwithmyangry,scowlingbrothers.
Onehesitantstepatatime,Iwalkedstraightthroughthewallofalpha-maleenergytostandbetweenthemandJasper.
Still,theyignoredmecompletely.TheylookedstraightovermyheadtoscowlatJasper.
Thiswastheproblemwithmarryingamanjustasbigasyourbrothers.Iwasignorable.
“Didyoubringonetruckortwo?”Iasked.
Noresponse.Couldanyonehearmetoday?
“Griffin.”Ireachedoutandpokedhiminthegut.Hisscowldeepenedbuthedroppedhisgaze,finallyshiftinghisfocustome.
Irealizedmymistaketoolate.Becausehisgazemightaswellhavebeenaflamethrower.
“Isithotinhere?”Igulped.“Maybeweshouldallgooutsidewherethere’smoreair.Youcancarrythissuitcaseforme.”
Nothing.Notevenablink.
“Okay,I’lljustwheelthisoneoutmyself.”
“Yougotmarried.”Knox’svoicewasaslethalasGriffin’sglare.
“Right.Um…aboutthat.”
Griffin’snostrilsflared.
“IseethatTaliacalledyouyesterday,”Imuttered,mygazeflickingtoKnox.
“ItwasLyla,”hesaid.“Wouldhavebeennicetohearfromyou.”
Iwinced.“Inmydefense,IcalledbothWinnandMemphisearlier.Neitherofthemanswered.”
Mystrategyforbreakingthisnewswastotelltheeasypeoplefirst.Hopefullyearnacoupleofallies.SoI’dcalledtheirwives,breathingahugesighofreliefthismorningwhenneitherhadanswered.
“Youcalledatfiveo’clockthismorning,”Knoxsaid.“Memphiswasasleepsinceshespentmostofthenightupwiththebaby.”
“AndyoucalledWinn’spersonalphone,”Griffinclipped.
IknewthatMemphisdidn’tsleepwithherphoneintheirbedroom,andKnoxhadbeentakingtheearlymorningshiftwiththeboys.AndWinnalwayshadherworkphoneclosebyincasethepolicestationneededtogetaholdofher.ButI’dcountedonherpersonalphonebeingoutofbatteryorlost,likenormal.
“I’msorry.”Iclaspedmyhandsinfrontofme,asilentprayerforforgiveness.“I’mreally,reallysorry.Butgivenyou’restandinginmylivingroom,it’snotlikeyou’vebeeninthedarkforlong.AndIwasgoingtotellyoutoday.Iswear.”
AmuscleinGriffin’sjawflexed.Thescarymuscle.
“I’msorry.”
Myapologiesweren’thelping.BecauseweallknewIshouldn’thavewaited.Ishouldhavetalkedtoeveryoneyesterday.Butthedreadhadbeencrippling.Soinsteadofdealingwithitlastnight,I’descapedrealitybysleepinginJasper’sbed.
Nomoreescaping.
Itwastimetofacetheconsequencesofmyactions.Andsofar,thiswasplayingoutexactlyasexpected.Theyweremad,rightlyso.Andworse,theyweredisappointed.
“DoMomandDadknow?”MybreathlodgedinmychestasIwaitedforGriff’sanswer.
Griffingavemeasinglenod.
Myarmswrappedaroundmystomach.Theregretswallowedmewhole.Isuckedasadaughter.“Howmadarethey?”
Knoxscoffed.“Guess.”
Mad.Supermad.
“Whattheactualfuckwereyouthinking?”Griffinuncrossedhisarms,plantinghisfistsonhiships.“Yougotmarried.When?Where?Whythehelldidn’tyoutellyourfuckingfamily,Eloise?”
“See?ThiswaswhyIwantedtotalktoWinnfirst.”Ishiedawayfromthatfuriousglare.“BecauseIknewyouweregoingtoyellatme.”
“Youmarriedastranger.Insecret.Andyouhiditfromus.I’mgoingtofuckingyell.”
“Griff—”
Astrongarmwrappedaroundmyshoulders,stoppinganotherlameapology.
Jasperhauledmebackward,flushagainsthischest.“That’senough.”
Griffin’sgazeleveledonJasper.“Thisisaprivateconversation.”
“You’reyellingatmywife.”
Myjawdropped.
Ittookabravemantostanduptomybrothers.ThatcalmandcollectedIdreamedof?Jasperhadit.Maybehe’dteachme.
Knoxblinked.Thenhedroppedhischin,liftingahandtoruboverhismouth.Almostlikehewassurprised.
IstaredupatGriffin,expectingtoseethatmurderousglarehe’dinheritedfromDad.Excepthisscowlwasgone.Helooked…shocked.Intrigued?Whatthehellwashappening?
“Sorry,”Griffmuttered.
JasperjustkeptstaringatGriffin,hisgazeashardasI’deverseen.GoosebumpsbrokeoutonmyforearmsasIstoodbetweenthem,myheadwhippingbackandforth,waitingforsomeonetospeakormakeamove.
Buttheywerelockedinthisstrangestaringcontest.Wasthisagoodthing?Abad?Whyweremensocomplicated?
WeneededtogobacktotheyellingbecausethenatleastIknewwhatwasgoingon.
Griffinwasthefirsttobreak.Hisarmsfellrelaxedtohissides.Hedroppedhisattention,hisblueeyesfindingmine.“YouneedtocallMom.”Hisvoicewassogentleithurt.
“Iwill.”
“Now.Notlatertoday.Now.Iknowyou’reavoidingthisbecauseit’sgoingtobehard.Butshe’shurt.”
Ouch.“Okay.”
“BetteraddTaliaandLylatoyourlist.”Knoxgavemeasadsmile.
Griffinsighed,shakinghishead.“Doyouneedhelphaulingstuffoutofhere?Icangohomeandbringinahorsetrailer.”
Mychinbegantoquiver.Tearswelled.Theymightbemad,disappointed,buttheywerestillmybigbrothers.Andthey’dhelpmemove.
“Raincheck?”Iasked.
Griffinnodded,touchedthetipofmynose,thenwithoutanotherword,turnedandwalkedoutofthehouse.
KnoxjerkeduphischintoJasper,thenfollowed.
Itwasn’tuntiltherumbleofGriffin’struckvanisheddowntheblockthatIrelaxed,saggingintoJasper’shold.“Sorry.”
“It’snotyourfault.”Heletmego,thensteppedaroundme,takingthesuitcaseI’dhauledout,carryingittotheYukon.
Iwalkedtowardthedoor,watchingasheloadeditinside.
Well,thathadgone…ithadgone.
“StupidEloise,”Imuttered.
NotonlyhadIhurtmyfamilybutJasperhadn’tdeservedthatambushfrommybrothers.Thepersonatfaultherewasme.
AndIhadmoreapologiestomake.
SoIsquaredmyshouldersandheadedforthekitchen,towhereI’dleftmyphoneearlier.
BythetimeIwasdonemakingphonecalls,JasperhadtakentheSUVtotheA-frameandunloadedtheboxes.Whenhecamebacktopickmeup,I’dalreadycriedthreetimes.
Once,whiletalkingtoMom.Again,whiletalkingtoDad.Thethirdtime,afterI’dleftamessageforLyla.
I’dcalledTaliaaftermyparents,andshe’dwarnedmethatLylamightnotwanttotalk.
Itwasheavy.Carryingaroundtheweightofthiskindofmistakewasheavy.MaybeJasperfeltittoobecausewhenwegotbacktothecabin,hechangedclothesandleftforarun.
Ispenttherestofthedayunpacking,claimingthesmallclosetinthetinyofficeformyself.Dinnerwasquiet.Afterward,JasperbuiltafireandreadabookwhileIcontinuedtounpack.Andafterdarknessfell,heretreatedtotheloft.
“Youcomingup?”heaskedfromthetopofthestairs.
“Inabit.”
Hegavemeasadsmile,thenturnedoffthelight.
Thiswasgoingtoendinadisaster,wasn’tit?Weweredoomed.
Insteadofclimbingthestairs,Ifoundablanketandpillow.
Andfellasleeponthecouch.CHAPTERTENJASPER
ThemomentIopenedthefrontdoorandsteppedinsidetheA-frame,theacridscentofburntfoodslappedmeintheface.Smokehazedthekitchen,cloudingtheairastheearlyeveninglightshinedthroughthewindows.
“Whatthefuck?”Isetmybackpackontheislandandhurriedtothestove,yankingthedooropen.Itwasempty.Andoff.Butsomethinghadclearlydiedintheretoday.
“Eloise?”Icalled.
Noanswer.
Nosurprise.
She’dbeenavoidingmeallweek,eversincethatencounterwithherbrothersatherrental.
Overthepastsixdays,therealityofoursituationhadcreptin,bitterandharsh,justlikethescentinthecabin.Wewerestrangers.Andwewereactinglikeit.
Notevensexwasacommonalityatthispoint,notwithEloisechoosingtosleeponthecouch.
Aweekago,I’dthoughtthisagreementofourswouldbeadamnbreeze.Thetwoofuswouldpretendforawhile.We’denjoysomehot,uncomplicatedsex.Thenafterthewedding,we’dcallitquits.Getasimpledivorce.Partways.
Iwasafuckingidiotforthinkingthiswouldbeeasy.EloiseandIwereasfuckedaswhateverhadbeeninmyoven.
Thesmellstungmynostrils,soIstrodefortheclosestwindow,onlytofinditalreadyopen.ThenIglancedtowardthebackofthehousetotheslidingdoor,alsoopen.
Mywifesatonthedeck.
Iduckedintothelaundryroom,takingoutthesmallfanstashedonthetopshelfofthestoragecloset.Withitinthekitchenwindow,runningfullblast,Iproppedopenthefrontdoortogetsomeairflowing,thenIheadedoutside.
Thedeckonlyroseaboutafootofftheground.Eloisewassittingontheedge,herlegscrossed,hergazeaimedtothetrees.Therewassomethingblackinherhandthatlookedalotlikeahockeypuck.“Imadecookies.”
Thehockeypuck.Thesourceofthesmokeandsmell.
“Wantone?”Shehelditupintheair,turningenoughthatIcouldseeherface.
Thelookinthoseblueeyesmademychestpinch.Therewereteartracksonhercheeks.Smudgesofblackfromwaterymascarathatshe’dtriedtorubaway.Ormaybethatwasfromthecookie.
“Chocolatechip?”Iasked,takingtheburntcookie.
“Yeah.”
“Idon’tlikechocolatechipcookies.”WindingituplikeitwasaFrisbee,Ithrewthecookieasfaraspossible,sendingitsailingthroughtheairandcrashingintoatreetrunk.ThenIwipedmyhandstogether,brushingawaythecharcoaldust,beforeItookaseatbesideEloise.
“Youdon’tlikechocolatechipcookies?”sheasked.
“No.”
“What’syourfavoritecookie?”
“Idon’treallylikecookies.ButifIhadtochoose,oatmealraisin.”
“Oatmealraisin?OhmyGod,Imarriedamonster.”
Thecornerofmymouthturnedup.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dsmiledin,well…aweek.
“SorryIstankupthehouse,”shesaid.
“It’llfade.”
“StupidEloise,”shemuttered.
“Callyourselfstupidagain,andI’lltakeyouovermyknee.”
Shegasped,hereyeswidening.
“You’renotstupid.”Iknewitwasoneofthoseoff-handed,self-deprecatingremarks,butIstilldidn’tlikeit.IfIhearditagain,I’dspankherbeautifulassuntilitwasred.“Sodon’tsayit.”
“Okay,”shewhispered,hergazerunningovermyT-shirtandshorts.“Wereyouatthegym?”
“Thismorning.ThenIwentforahike.Didyouworktoday?”
“No,Itookitoff.”
Eloisehadspenteverydaythisweekatthehotel.Eithertoavoidmeorbecauseshewasbusy.Probablyboth.NormallywhenIwokeupeachmorningaroundsix,shewasalreadygone,leavingbehindherscent,thatearthy,floralvanilla,inthebathroom.
Exceptthismorning,there’dbeennoperfume.WhenI’dcomedownfromtheloft,she’dbeenasleeponthecouch,hereyelidsflutteringasshe’ddreamed.
Soithadbeenmyturntosneakoutearly.
Fosterhadaskedmetocometohisgymthismorningtoworkout.
Todaywasthefirsttimewe’dseeneachothersincethecoffeeshoplastweekend.We’dtalkedonthephoneacoupletimes,short,clippedconversations.Notthatourface-to-facetodayhadbeenmuchdifferent.Wehadn’tspokenmuchbeforewe’dclimbedintotheringtospar.
Insidetheropes,therehadn’tbeentheneedforwords.Fosterhadlethisfistsdoallthetalking.
Eloise’seyeslockedonthefreshcutonmylowerlip.Shereachedouttotouchitbutstoppedbeforesheactuallymadecontact.Thenthatsadlookinhereyesdoubled.
Sodidthepinchinmychest.
“HowwasFoster?”sheasked.
Pissed.Seriouslyfuckingpissed.“Fine.”
HewasangrythatIhadn’ttoldhimaboutEloise.HewasmadthatI’dspentamonthconcealingthetruth.Butmostly,IthinkhewashurtbecauseheknewIwasstillhidingsomething.
MaybeIshouldhavefessedup.MaybeIshouldhavelaiditalloutthere,explainingthatthismarriagewasasham.ThatEloiseandIwereguttingthisoutsoshecouldhaveashotatherhotelandIwouldn’thavetoshowuptoSam’sweddingalone.
ButI’dkeptmymouthshut.Myreward?Anasskicking.
Fosterhadlandedakicktomygutthathadknockedthewindoutofme.Thenhe’dpoppedmeinthemouth,theskinsplittinginstantly.
Ithadbledonandoffduringmyafternoonhike.Whateverbloodwasonthesleeveofmyblackshirtwasinvisible.
“Youdidn’t,um…tellhimaboutourarrangement.Didyou?”sheasked.
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
“Thankyou.”Shesighed.
Moresecrets.Butforsomereason,keepingourmotivesfromFosterdidn’tbothermeasmuchashidingthismarriagetoEloise.
Why?Nofuckingclue.I’dtriedtofigureitoutonmyhike.I’dspentacouplehourstryingtosortthroughthesefeelings.Clearmyhead.Ithadn’tworked.Istillfelt…off.
MaybeIwasjusttired.Sleephadbeenshitallweek.
“Wheredidyougohiking?”sheasked.
“TheSablePeakTrailhead.”
EvenafterapunishingworkoutwithFoster,I’dhadthisrestlessenergycoursingthroughmyveins.SoI’dsearchedforlocaltrailheadsandheadedforthemountains.
Theloophadbeensixmiles.Mylegsweredead,andtomorrowI’dpayforoverexertingmyself.Andonlyasliverofthatenergyhadfaded.
“That’salwaysbeenMateo’sfavoritetrail.”Eloisepulledherkneesup,huggingthemtoherchest.“MaybeIshouldhavegonehikingwithyouinsteadofyetanotherkitchenfail.”
Thosebeautifuleyesfloodedwithtears.
Thiswasn’taboutthecookies.Butifsheneededtocryoverthem,I’dsitbesideher.
EventhoughIneededashower,eventhoughIwasstarving,Ididn’tmove.WestaredatthetreesuntilEloisefilledthesilence.
“Mymomisanamazingcook.ShejokesthatKnoxandLylainheritedhertalents,andbythetimeMateoandIwereborn,therewasnothingleftforus.ButIstilltry.Ibakecookiesforfamilydinnersandpretendnottonoticewhentheyalldisappeartothegarbagecaninthegarage.Imakesangriathatnoonedrinks.”
“Doyouliketocook?”
“No.”
“Thenwhynotquit?”
Sheliftedashoulder.“Idon’tknow.Iguessitwouldbenicetodoitright.Justonce.”
Eloisewasstilltryingtocoverupthoseuglyhorseswithprettypictures.
“Aftertoday,Ithink…Igiveup.”Hervoicewassosmall.Gonewasthestrong,vibrantwomanwho’dcaughtmeinherspellinVegas.Andatthemoment,I’dgiveanythingtomakethosetearsdisappear.
“Iliketocook,”Isaid.“Hatedoinglaundry.”
Shesniffled,wipingbeneathhereyes.“Idon’tmindlaundry.”
“Thenyoudomylaundry.I’llcook.Nomorepeanutbutterandjellysandwichesfordinner.Deal?”
“Deal.”Shegavemeatinysmile.“Ourfirstassignmentofduties.Lookatus,crushingthismarriagethingalready.Othernewlywedswouldbejealous.Iftheyonlyknewitwasallfake.”
Fake.Myshoulderstensed.Shewasright.Thismarriagewasasfakeasmyfather’shandshakesandmymother’sinterestinherson’slife.
IhatedfakeasmuchasIhatedchocolatechipcookies.
“What?”Eloisenudgedmyelbowwithhers.
“Nothing.”Istoodfromthestepandwalkedinside.
Thesmellwasbetteralready,thatfanblowinginthefresh,forestair.Ormaybemynosehadjustadjustedaftertheshockofthestench.
Imademywaytothekitchen,mymusclesalreadyheavyandtired.Mybodyneededfuel,soIopenedthefridgeandtookoutleftoversfromdinnerlastnight.Grilledchickenbreasts,roastedvegetablesandwildrice.
Eloisefollowedmeinside,comingtostandbesidetheisland.Therewasapitcheronthecountertop,oneIhadn’tnoticedwhenI’dcomeinside.Orangeslicesandappleringsfloatedinarubyredliquid.
“Wantsomesangria?”Shewalkedtoacabinet,takingoutacup.Thenshepouredherselfaglass,takingasipandgrimacing.“Yum.”
“Hungry?”Iasked,takingoutaplate.
“Notreally.Iatealotofcookiedough.”
Ifrownedandtookoutanotherplate.Nutritionwasimportant.Cookiedoughandsangriaweren’tgoingtobeherdinner.SoIdishedusbothfood,myplatetwiceasfullashers,andcarriedthemtothecardtablewithforksandnapkins.
Eloisetookthechairbesidemine,slouchinginthecheapseat.
Weneededtogettherestofthefurniturefromherrental,includingthediningtable.Mostofherlargerpieceswouldn’tfitinmyYukon,soIwasgoingtoaskFostertoborrowhistruckandgivemeahandliftingtheheavypieces.
ButbeforeIaskedforafavor,Iwaslettinghimchill.We’dagreedtomeetonMondaymorningatthegym.Hopefullybythen,someofhisangerwouldhavepassed.KnowingFoster,hewasprobablyathome,stewingovermylip.He’dalreadytextedmeanapology.And,unlikeanyoftheEdens,acongratulations.
FosterandIwouldgetpastthis.Probably.We’dgetbacktonormal.Hopefully.Theninaweekortwo,I’dfinishatEloise’shouseandwe’dbedonewithmoving.
Withoutanyhelpfromherfuckingbrothers.
Thewaythey’dtreatedmehadbeenfair.IfIhadasisterandshe’dmarriedastrangerinVegas,Iprobablywouldhaveconfrontedthebastardtoo.ButtoyellatEloise?Toscoldherlikeachild?
No.Fuckno.
Hadanyonebeenhappyforher?Orweretheyalljustpoutingbecauseshehadn’tincludedthem?Thatshe’ddonesomethingwithouttheirapprovalfirst?
FosterhadtoldmeabouttheEdens.HehadalotofrespectforTalia’sfamily.Buttheyhadalotofworktodotoearnmine.
Notthatitmattered.Soonerratherthanlater,I’djustbethatmanwho’dmarriedEloise.Amistake.Theguywho’ddisappearedafteraquickdivorce.
Eventually,I’dbecomeanoone.Adistantmemory.
Myforkstabbedapieceofchickentoohard,scrapingagainsttheplate.
WhileIinhaledmyfood,Eloisepickedathers.Everysipofhersangrialookedpainedbutsheseemeddeterminedtodrinktheglass.
“Haveyou,um…gonetothecoffeeshop?”sheasked,pokingatacubeofsquash.
“No.”
“I’vegoneeveryday.”Anotherpieceofsquashgotaddedtoherforkbutshedidn’tliftittohermouth.“Lylamademyfavoritepumpkinsconesyesterday.Shehasn’tmademepayforcoffeeallweek.”
“Andthat’sabadthing?”
“Lylaalwaysmakesuspay.Notthatanyofusmind.Wewanttosupportherbusiness.Butshe’srefusedwhenIoffered.Andsheonlybakeswithpumpkininthefall.”
SoLylawaspissedtoo.Orhurt.Orboth.
Eloisesetdownherfork.“Fakemarriageishard.”
Istabbedanotherbiteofcoldchicken,againharderthannecessary.Didsheneedtokeepremindingmethiswasfake?Iwaswellaware.
“Myparentsaskedmetocometotheranchforafamilydinnertomorrownight.That’swhyImadecookies.Andsangria.”Shetookadrink,swallowinghard.“IthinkI’lljuststopbythegrocerystoretomorrowandbuyabottleofwine.”
Ichewed,myjawtensingasIwaitedforhertoinvitemealong.
ButEloisesippedthatsangria,notutteringaword.Bythetimeherglasswasempty,thecringinghadstoppedandmyplatewasempty,unlikehers.
“Done?”Iasked,standing.
Shenodded.
Itookcareofthedishes,thendugmyphonefrommypocket,pullinguparecipe.ThenIrifledthroughthecupboardsforabowlandmixer.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Eloiseasked,comingtothekitchentorefillherglass.
Ididn’tanswer.Ijustworkedwithquietefficiency,knowingshe’dfigureitout.
WhenIhitthebuttonontheoventostartitpreheating,Iknewtheburntsmellwouldreturn,buthopefullythesugarandcinnamonwouldbeatitout.
AndwhileImadeoatmealraisincookies,somethingIhadn’tdoneinyears,Eloisestoodbesidetheisland,watchinganddrinking.
ThirteenminutesafterIputthefirstbatchintheoven,theywereonacoolingrackandthelastdozenwasbaking.
Nowshewouldn’tshowupattheranchempty-handed.Evenifshedidn’tlikeoatmealraisin.
“You’reincrediblysexyinthekitchen,”shesaid.“Andwhenyousmile.Exceptyoudon’tsmileenough.Whyisthat?”
Iliftedashoulder,leaningagainstthecounter.Maybetherejustwasn’tmuchtosmileabout.
Sheshiftedawayfromtheisland,takingthespacebesidemine.“I’mtipsy.”
Sowhateverpoppedintothatgorgeousheadofherswascomingoutofherprettymouth.
“Willyousmileforme?”
Ismiled.
Hernosescrunchedup.“That’snotyourrealsmile.Youreyesaren’tdoingthecrinklething.”
“Crinklething?”
Shewaveditoff,liftingherglass.Butbeforeshecouldtakeanotherdrink,Istoleitfromherhand,bringingthesangriatomymouth.
Fuck,itwasawful.
She’dusedtoomuchorangejuiceortoomuchrumortoomuchwine.Maybetoomuchofeverything.Itwaslikedrinkingdilutedsweetandsoursauce.
“Bad,right?”Shepouted.
Iansweredbyfinishingherglassinasinglegulp.
“Jas,”shewhispered.Damn,butIlikeditwhenshecalledmeJas.Hergazedroppedtomymouth.“Idon’twanttosleeponthecouchanymore.”
Thankfuck.Isettheemptyglassinthesink.Thepitcherwouldgetpoureddownthedrainlater.Thecookieshadaminuteleft,butItookthemoutanyway,shuttingofftheovenandleavingthemonthestovetop.
ThenItookEloise’shand,leadinghertothebathroom.Withaquickflickontheknob,Iturnedontheshower.
“Turnaround,”Iordered.
Sheobeyedwithouthesitation,facingthemirror.
Ireachedbehindmyhead,yankingoffmyT-shirt.ThenIshovedmyshortsandboxersfrommylegs,kickingthemoffwithmyshoes.Mycockjuttedout,hardandthrobbing,achingforthebeautifulwomanwhostoodsilentlystaringatourreflection.
WhenIcameupbehindher,Eloise’sentirebodyshivered.Ipressedmynoseintoherhair,breathinginthatintoxicatingscent.Itheldabitoftheburntcookiesmelltoo.
Withonehand,Itookherfaceinmygrip,turningherchinupsoshehadtolookupatme.Shetriedtoturnaround,butIshookmyhead,keepingherbodyaimedtowardthemirror.
“Haveyoueverwatchedyourselfcomebefore?”
Herbreathhitched.“No.”
“Watch.”Releasingherchin,Inoddedtothemirror,alreadyfoggingattheedgesfromtheshower’ssteam.
ThenIreachedforthehemofhertee,pullingitupandoverherchest.Hersportsbracamenext,landingwithathumponthefloor.Whenherjoggersandpantiesjoinedtheheap,myhandsnakedaroundherwaist,skatingacrossherhipbeforedroppingdownherthigh.
“Areyouwetforme,angel?”Iasked.
Shenodded,herbreathscominginpants.HereyelidsflutteredclosedthemomentIdraggedafingerthroughherslit.
“Fuckingsoaked,”Imurmuredagainsttheskinofhershoulder.“Don’tcloseyoureyes.”
Herblueeyespoppedopen,lockingwithminethroughtheglass.
“Watchhowexquisiteyouarewhenyoucome.”Istrokedherflesh,drawingthatwetnessfromhercoretoherclitwithslow,lazycircles.Mycockwasrockhard,weepingtosinkinsideherwetheat.Iwedgeditinbetweenherasscheeks
Eloisewhimpered,rockingherhipsagainstmyarousal.
Iwrappedmyotherarmaroundherwaist,holdinghertomeasIworkedherclit,fasterandfaster.Herbodybegantotremble.Hermouthopened,herbreathsheavy.AndjustlikeI’dordered,shekepthereyeslockedonourreflection.
“Fuck,butyou’regorgeous.”Islippedmymiddlefingerinside.ThenIshiftedtoherclitagain,strokingandflicking.“Lookatyou.Lookathowfuckingsexyyouare.Whogivesadamnifyoucanbakecookiesormakesangria.You’reperfect,El.”
“Jas.”Sheturnedherchin,reachingbacktocupmyhead,drawingmymouthtowardhers.
Islammedmylipsonhers,ourtonguestanglingthemomentherorgasmbroke.Iswallowedhercry,refusingtoletupasherbodytrembledandshattered.Pulseafterpulse,shecameapartinmyarmsuntilherbodysaggedagainstmine.
Weshuffledintotheshower,ourmouthscollidingagainassoonaswewereunderthespray.ThenIhoistedherup,hermouthfusedtomine,herhandscomingtomycheeksasshetookcontrolofthekiss,lettingmepressheragainsttheslipperytiledwall.
WhenIslidinside,buryingmyselftotheroot,shewrappedherarmsaroundmyneck,holdingtightwhileIfuckedherhard,notlettingupuntilwecametogetherinafrenzyofcriesandgroans.
“Nomorecouch,”Isaid,mycockstilldeepinsideher.
Shepushedherfingersthroughmywethair.“Okay.”
Ieasedoutandsetheronherfeet.WhileIwashedmyhair,shedraggedasoapypuffacrossmyshouldersandback.Thenthetwoofusmovedtotheloft,ignoringthemessinthekitchen.
Wefuckedagain,slowandlazy,untilwewerebothspent.
Therestlessenergywasgone.Finally.Andeventhoughshefellasleepcuddledintomyside,makingmetoohotanduncomfortable,Icrashed,wakingonlywhendawncreptthroughthewindows.
AndfoundEloisestillsleepingagainstmyside.CHAPTERELEVENELOISE
Therowsandcolumnsonmyspreadsheetwereblurringtogether.Thecolorcodinghadtakenonalifeofitsowntoday,andnowitlookedlikearainbowhadpukedonthehotel’sshiftschedule.
Butitwasdone.Hopefully.
Summerwashard.Ithadtakenmetheentiredayofshufflingandjugglingtoironoutthetentativescheduleforthesummer.FingerscrossedI’dmanagedtoaccommodateeveryone’svacationplans.Itshouldwork.
Untilsomeonecalledinsick.Orquit.
“Nobodycanquit,”Itoldmycomputerscreen.AtleastnotuntilIhiredanotherpart-timehousekeeper.IfIcouldhireanotherhousekeeper.I’dhadanadinthelocalnewspaperforaweekwithoutasinglebite.
Worstcase,I’dhavetocleanroomsmyself.Itcertainlywouldn’tbethefirsttime,butIwasalreadyworkingsixdaysaweek.
ForthefirsttimeinmycareeratTheEloise,Iwantedjustonedayoff.OnedaytospendinbedwithJasper.Ifweonlyhadtwomoremonthstogether,thenIwantedtomakethemostofit.
ThoughmaybeIwasgoingaboutthisallwrong.MaybeIneededtoliveandbreathethishotelforthenextsixty-ishdays.Maybethatwouldmakeiteasierintheend.
Despitemybestintentionstoconfineourrelationshiptosex,IwasgrowingattachedtoJasper.Everythingabouthimwasappealing.Fromthathandsomefacetohisrippedbody.Fromthewayheforcedmetoeatmorevegetablestothewayheburiedhisnoseinmyhairtoinhaleitsscent.
Thenightlyorgasmswerejustabonus.
Eversincetheburntcookieincident,JasperandIhadsettledintoaroutine.Iwokeupearlyeachmorningandleftforwork.WhenIgothomeintheevening,he’dmakeusdinner.Thenwe’ddo…nothing.
Ilovedthenothing.
He’dlistentometalkaboutwhateverwashappeningatthehotel.He’dsitbesidemeonthecouchreadingwhileIflippedontheTVforanhour.Thenwe’dretreattotheloftwherewe’dexhausteachother’sbodiestosleep.
Thepasttwoweekshadbeengood.Borderlinegreat.
Exceptthepressurefrommyfamilywasstartingtocrushme.They’dplannedthatfamilydinnertwoweeksagotomeetJasper,butthemomentI’dmentionedit,Icouldtellhehadn’twantedtogo.SoIhadn’teveninvitedhim.
Whenthey’daskedustolastweek’sfamilydinner,I’dlied.I’dtoldMomandDadthatJasperandIwerehavingadatenight.WasitalieifthedatejusthappenedtobeattheA-frame?
Yes.Witheverylieandhalf-truth,theickyfeelinginmystomachcamecrawlingback
Somethinghadtogive.Icouldn’tkeepthisupforanothertwomonths,notwitheveryEdenwithinafifty-mileradiustryingtopoketheirnosesintomymarriage.
Twoofmyauntshadstoppedbythehotelthisweek,askingwhentheyweregoingtogettomeetmymysterioushusband.I’dbumpedintooneofmycousinsyesterdayatthegasstationandhe’dwantedtohireJasperashispersonaltrainer
DidJasperevendopersonaltrainingforanyonebutFoster?Awifeshouldknowtheanswertothatquestion.
Ipressedmyfingerstomytemples,rubbingattheheadachecausedbytherainbowspreadsheetandlackofcaffeine.
I’dspentthepasttwoweeksavoidingEdenCoffeebecauseLylawasstillactingtoo…nice.Thecoffeeatthehotelwasokay,butitwasnothinglikeLyla’s.Imissedgoodcoffee.Imissedmysister.
ThelobbydooropenedsoItoremyeyesawayfrommyscreen,smilingandreadytogreetmyguests.Butitwasmyparentswhowalkedinside,theirhandslocked.
Ilovedthatmyparentsheldhands.ForaslongasIcouldremember,theywerealwayslinkedwhentheywalked.
DidJasperholdhandsinpublic?Thenagain,wedidn’twalktogetherinpublic.
“Hi.”Ibraced,steelingmyspineandholdingmybreath.
Momtriedtomaskit,butshestilllookedsad.Disappointed.Daddidn’tevenbothertohidethehurtfromhisblueeyes.
Momstoppedatthecounterandfrowned.“Don’tlooksoscaredtoseeus.”
ButIwas.“That’snotit.”Anotherliethatmademefeelgross,butIforcedmyframetorelax.“I’vejustgotamiserableheadache.What’sup?”
“WewerehopingtohavedinnerwithyouandJaspertonightatKnuckles,”shesaid.
“Oh.”Mystomachdropped.“Um…”Shit.“I’dlovetobutcanwehavearaincheck?”
“Why?”Dad’seyesnarrowed.
“Thisheadacheiskillingme.Isortofjustwanttogohomeandtakeabath.It’sbeenalongday.”
MomandDadsharedalook,oneIhadn’tseensincehighschool—sincethenightI’dcomehomeslightlytipsyandfiveminutespastcurfew.They’dbothbeenwaitingup.I’dtriedtoconvincethemIwasentirelysober.
Theyhadn’tboughtitthen,andI’dscoredatwo-weekgrounding.
Theyweren’tbuyingitnoweither,werethey?
“Howaboutdinnertomorrownight?”Iblurted.“I’mnotworking,andI’msureI’llfeelbetter.Wecouldcometothehouse.Ormeetyouhereintown.”
“Thehouse.”Momnodded.“We’llseeifeveryoneelsecanmakeittoo.”
“Great.”Myvoicewastoobright.
Whatwasworse?MomandDadaloneatKnuckles,whereDadwouldnodoubtinterrogateJasper?Oratthehousewithmyparents,siblings,niecesandnephews?
Thehouse.Definitelythehouse.Butitwastoolate.Momwasalreadyrattlingoffpotentialdinneroptions.
“Burgers?DoesJasperlikeburgers?”sheasked.
“Yes,helikesburgers.”Probably.Didheeatredmeat?Henormallycookedchicken.
Whatever.I’deattwoburgersifnecessary.
“We’llseeyouthen,”Dadsaid.“Hopeyourheadachegoesaway.”
“Metoo.”Igavethemasmallsmile.
“Oh,beforeIforget.”Momheldupafinger.“DidyoutalktoBrittanyaboutswappingSundaysandTuesdays?”
“Um,no.”What?
“Ibumpedintohertheotherdayatthegrocerystore.ShementionedshewastryingtomakealittleextramoneybeforetheirsummervacationtoDisney.SoIofferedtohavehercomeoutanddosomecleaningatthehouse.IwasthinkingTuesdaysifyoucanswitchherschedulesoshe’sworkinghereSundaysinstead.ThenIcouldgotoGriffandWinn’sandwatchthekidsthereTuesdaysandstayoutofherway.”
Tuesdays.IneededBrittanyhereTuesdays.Shewastheonlyhousekeeperontheschedulethatday.
Ifshewantedextramoney,whyhadn’tsheaskedmefirst?Iwouldhavegivenhermoreshifts.Whyhadn’tMomtoldhertotalktomefirstinsteadofofferingherasidegig?
Butinsteadofgettingmad,Ismotheredmyfrustration.Atthispoint,I’ddoanythingtogetbacktonormalwithmyparents.Evenifthatmeantchangingtheschedule.Again.
“Noproblem.I’msureIcanadjusttheschedule.”
“Thanks.”Momsmiled.“Letmeknowifitbecomesahassleandwe’llforgetthewholething.”
“I’msureitwillbefine,”Ilied.Itwasgoingtobeacluster.“I’llcallBrittany.”
“Seeyoutomorrownight.”
“Bye.”Iwaiteduntiltheywereoutsideandpastthehotel’sgleamingwindowsbeforeIdroppedmyheadtothedesk.
IfmyheadhadhurtbeforeMomandDad’svisit,itwasunbearableasIleftthehotel.
Myskullthrobbed,andwhenIhitthegravelonAldersonRoad,myteethrattled,makingthepainworse.
Jasper’sYukonwasparkedoutsidetheA-framewhenIgothome.Ifoundhiminthekitchen,wearingasimplegrayT-shirtandapairoffadedjeans.Hisfeetwerebare,hishairdamp,likehe’dshoweredrecently.
Thatstubbleonhisjawwasbeggingtobetouched,andhislipsneededtobekissed.
Thisman,thisgorgeousman,wasmine.Temporarilymine,butminenonetheless.Ittookmebysurpriseeachandeverynight.I’dwalkthroughthedoor,andmyheartwouldskip.
WouldmyrealhusbandbeashandsomeasJasper?WouldhemakemecookiessoIwouldn’tshowupatafamilydinnerempty-handed?Wouldhehaveadirtymouthandwickedlytalentedtongue?WouldhekissmelikehewasamandrowningandIwashisair?
Jasperspottedmestandinginsidethedoor.Hewasbesidethecounter,seasoningtwosmallsteaksonacuttingboard.“Hey.”
“Youeatredmeat.”Isighed.ThankGod.
“What?”
“Nothing.”Ishookmyhead,abouttosetmypursedownwhenInoticedthediningroomtable.Mydiningroomtable.“Youwenttomyhouse?”
Henodded,washinghishandsatthesink.“FosterandItookafewtripstoday.Hauledouttherestofthefurniture.”
“Oh.Thankyou.”Ipulledoutafamiliarchair,sinkingintothesmooth,walnutseat.“Iwouldhavehelped.”
Heshrugged.“Wehaditcovered.”
Thatmeantallthatwasleftwastoclean.Thentheownerscouldfindanothertenant.
“MostofthestuffIputintheshop,”hesaid.
“Allright.”Therewasn’tmuchneedformyfurnitureinsidetheA-frame.
IfIhadkeptsleepingonthecouch,Iwouldhaveinsistedwebringinminebecauseitwasmorecomfortable.ButJasper’sbedwasadream,softandplushandwarm.NotoncehadIwokeninthemiddleofthenightwithcoldfeet,andthecrookofhisneckwasbetterthananypillow.
“Howwasyourday?”heasked.
“Long.Myparentsstoppedby.Weneedtogototheranchfordinnertomorrow.”Ibraced,justlikeIhadatthehotel.Shoulderspinned.Breathheld.
Thatmuscle—theangrymuscle—featheredJasper’sjaw.“I’mnotoneforfamilyfunctions.”
“AndI’mnotoneforanalplaybutIstillletyoushoveyourfingerupmyasslastnight.”
“Thisisnotthesame.”Hislookflattened.“Andyoulikeditlastnight.”
Yes,Ihadlikedit.
Jasperwaspushingmysexualboundaries,andeachtimeweweretogether,heseemedtounlockanewlevelofpleasure.Lastnighthadbeennerve-rackingandexhilarating.Thecombinationhadledtothemostintenseorgasmofmylife.
“Youmightenjoydinnerwithmyfamily.Ifyoutried.”
Hewalkedtothefridge,takingoutasweetpotato.Ignoringme.
“MyfamilythinksIhavehorribletasteinmen.”
“Okay,”hedrawled,riflingthroughadrawerforthepotatopeeler.“I’lltrynottotakeoffensetothat.”
“Youcouldprovethemwrong.”
Heturnedonthefaucetandstartedpeelingapotato.
“ThelastguyIbroughthomewasforFoster’sfirstdinnerattheranch.Didhetellyouaboutit?”
“No.”
“HewasaguyImetatWillie’s.Hewassortoflankywithahippievibe.Cutethough.”
ThepeelerscrapedharderagainstthepotatoasJasper’sframetensed.Wasthatjealousy?Ifso,Ilikedit.Thoughhehadnothingtoenvy.ThatguyhadbeenasolidtwocomparedtoJasper’seleven.
“We’dgoneonacoupleofdates,”Isaid.“Nothingserious.ButsinceFosterwascomingtotheranch,Ithought,whynotbringadatetoo?We’dgetalloftheintroductionsoverwith.Sowegettothehouseanditturnsoutmydatewasn’tentirelyastrangertoeveryoneinthehouse.”
Jasper’sfocuswasstillonthepotatoandpeelerinhishand,buthe’dslowed,listening.
“Winnknewmydate.She’dgottenacallatthestationfromthegeneralmanageratthegrocerystorebecausehe’dcaughtthisguystuffingacucumberdownhisjeans.”
“Whatthefuck?”
“Exactly.”Ihuffedadrylaugh.“Comewithme.Showeveryonemytasteisn’tasbadastheythink.”
Jaspersetthepeeledpotatoasideandpickedupatoweltodryhishands.
“Don’tmakemebeg,”Iwhispered.
Jaspercrossedtheroom,toweringinfrontofme.Hishandcametomycheek,tiltingmyfaceupsoIcouldstareathimwhilehisthumbstrokedmyjaw.“It’sbetterthisway.Keepsomeseparation.”
Beggingitwas.“Please.”
“Gowithoutme,angel.”Hisvoicewassoft,smootherthanI’deverheardbefore.EitherbecausehetalkedmorewhenIwashome.Orbecausehewastryingtolessentheblowofhisrefusal.
“Thisisimportanttome.”
“Why?”
Iblinked.Whywasitimportantthathemeetmyfamily?Whatthehellkindofquestionwasthat?“Um,becauseit’smyfamily.Andyou’resupposedtobemyhusband.”
Notsupposed.Hewasmyhusband.Temporarily.
Wasthisabouthisfamily?Wehadn’tspokenaboutthem.Ihadnoideawherehewasfrom.Wherehisparentslived.Ifhehadsiblings.CuriositybubbledbutItampeditdown,savingthosequestionsforanotherday.Therewasbeggingtodo.
“Jas.”
Hishandfellawayfrommyface.“I’llbegoneinacoupleofmonths.”
Myheartsqueezed.Whywasthatsopainful?Itwasn’tasurprise,notreally.Wehadn’texactlytalkedaboutwhatwouldhappenafterthedivorcebutI’dknownthechanceswerehighthathe’dleaveQuincy.Still…itstung.
“Pleasegowithme.”
“El—”
“Thisisridiculous.”Ishotoutofmychair,slippingaroundhimtopaceinfrontoftheisland.“Ishouldn’thavetobegforyoutogowithme.Whyisthisevenadebate?You’regoing.Youpromisedmethatyou’dhelpmeprovetoeveryonethatthiswasreal,soyou’regoing.”
Jasperlookedup,crossinghisarmsoverhisbroadchest.
Imirroredhisposture,mostlysoIwouldn’tsquirmbeneaththeintensityofhisstare.Ittookallmywillpowertobreatheevenlyandkeepmychinheldhigh.“You’recomingwithme.”
Hiseyesnarrowed.“You’reawfullybossytoday.”
“I’vebeentakinglessonsfrommyhusband.”
Hisjawflexed.ButthenIsawit,acrackinthatsteelarmor.Hedroppedhisarms.“You’reright.Ijust…Istrugglewithfamily.ButI’llgo.”
Theairrushedfrommylungs.“Thankyou.”
Jaspercrookedafinger,luringmecloser.Then,whenI’dstoppedinfrontofhim,myarmsstillcrossed,heshookhishead.“Theydon’tneedtolikeme.”
Yes,theydid.IwantedthemtobeproudthatI’dmarriedagoodman.Justforalittlewhile,IwantedthemtolikeJasper.Becausewhenhewalkedaway,nomatterhowhardItriedtoconvincethemotherwise,hewouldbecometheenemy.
Sofornow,fortwomoremonths,sixty-ishdays,Iwantedthemtolikehim.Tobehappyforus.
StartingSundaywithdinnerattheranch.CHAPTERTWELVEELOISE
Thisdinnerwaseithergoingtobeincredibleoranincredibledisaster.Iwasbettingonthelatter.Regardless,evenifthiswasanepicfailure,Iwasn’tsorryforpushingJaspertocome.
“Turnoffupthere,”Itoldhim,pointingtothegravelroadthatteedintothehighwayahead.
Jasperslowedandtooktheleftwithoutsomuchasanod.Hewasassilentnowashehadbeenallday.Hell,otherthanafewgroans,he’dbarelymadeasoundwhenwe’dhadsexthismorning.
Still,noregrets.
Myfamilywasahugepartofmylife.Hewasmyhusband.Atsomepoint,thetwohadtolearnhowtoplaynice.Besides,itwasonlyforacouplemonths.
Theranch’sopengatesgreetedusaswerolleddownthegraveldrive.Mystomach,alreadyinknots,twistedtighteraswepassedthelogarchwayemblazonedwiththeEdenranchbrand—anEwithacurveintheshapeofarockingchair’srunnerbeneath.
“That’sourbrand,”ItoldJasper.
Notevenahumofacknowledgment.
Whywashesoagainstthis?Istilldidn’tunderstandhisresistance.Itwasjustdinner.
Lastnightduringourargument—ifthatcountedasanargument—Ishouldhavepressedformoreofanexplanation.Butthemomenthe’dagreedtocometodinner,I’ddroppedthesubjectentirely.
Whilehe’dmadedinner,I’dchangedintosweats.Thenthetwoofushadsharedaquietmealbeforewe’dretreatedtobed,doingwhatwedidbest.
Eachother.
“Thankyouforcoming.”
Henodded.Progress.Thoughhiseyesstayedlockedontheroadahead.
Istudiedhisprofile,lettingmygazewanderdownhisforeheadtothebumponthebridgeofhisnose.Tothesoftlipsandstubbledjawthathadwokenmethismorningashe’dkissedmyneckandslidinsidemybody.
Wasitsuchacrimeformetoaskforthismeal?
IwantedmyfamilytoknowJasper.Torememberhim.Iwantedthemtoseethemanwho’dsharedthiswild,recklessadventurewithme.Themanwho’donlybeinmylifeforashorttimebutwhosememorywouldundoubtedlylastforyears.
Forcingthisissuewasprobablysilly,consideringthiswasalljustacharade.Butwitheverypassingday,thisfeltlessandlesslikeamistake.Andiftheyknewhim,thenmaybethey’drealizewhyI’dmarriedhimthatnight.Maybetheywouldn’tholditagainstme.
AndIwantedJaspertoknowmyfamily.Toseethebestofthem.
Hereontheranch,wewereallourbest.
Thiswashome.
SpringweatherinMontana,especiallyinMay,wasalwaysunpredictable.Itcouldsnowonedayandbesunnyandseventydegreesthenext.ButforJasper’sfirstvisittotheranch,thescenethroughthewindshieldcouldn’thavebeenmorepicturesque.
Barbwirefencesborderedtheroad.Beyondthem,themeadowswerealush,vibrantgreenastheystretchedbeneathtallevergreenstowardthefoothills.Mountains,cappedwithsnow,toweredinthedistance.Theirjaggedpeakskissedthebrilliantbluesky.
Itwasmagnificent.I’dlivedmywholelifeinMontana,yetitneverfailedtostealmybreath.
“GriffinandWinnliveontheranch,”ItoldJasper,pointingoutmywindowinthegeneraldirectionofmybrother’shouse.“Youcan’tseetheirplacefromherebutit’sthatway.”
NotthatJasperhadaskedforthatinformation,butthissilencewasonlymakingthenervesflutteringinmybellyworse.Ifhewouldn’ttalk,thenIwould.
“Griffrunstheranchnow.It’soneofthelargestinthestate.”Thatwasn’tabrag.Itwassimplyprideinmyfamily.Forgenerations,theEdenshadownedthisland,expandingitwhenpossible,addingmoreacreageandmorecattle.“Itrunsalongthemountainsformiles.”
Normally,Iofferedtotakevisitorsonatour,maybeevenspendaSundayridinghorsesalongthepaththattiedoneendoftheranchtotheother.Thatwas,iftheyshowedanyinterestinthisplace.
ButJasperjustkeptdriving,notevenbotheringtolookmyway.Andbythetimethetrailsdriedoutenoughsowewouldn’tberidinginthemud,he’dbegoneanyway.
Iswalloweddownthelumpinmythroat.“GriffandWinnhavetwokids.HudsonandEmma.Knoxandhiswife,Memphis,havetwoboys,DrakeandHarrison.”
DidJasperwantkids?Icouldn’tpicturehimwithababyinhisarms.Thoughuntilmybrothershadbecomefathers,Ihadn’tbeenabletoimaginethemasdadseither.
Itwashardtorememberwhatthesefamilydinnershadbeenlikebeforethebabieshadbeenborn.WhenIthoughtofGriffin,IsawhimwearinghisscuffedcowboybootsandfadedWranglers,HudsonperchedononearmandEmmaontheother.AndKnoxwasn’tKnoxwithoutDraketoddlingbehindhim,anadorableshadowwithblondhairandasmilethatwouldthawevenJasper’sicyindifference.
Iwascountingonthosekids.Iwascountingonmybrothersandsisters,Mom’scookingandDad’sbellowinglaughtowinJasperovertonight.
MyhandsbegantotremblesoIslidthembeneathmylegs.
Ahead,inaclearingofthetrees,myparents’loghousecameintoview.“That’sMomandDad’s.Myroomwasthatfirstwindowonthesecondfloor.”
Jaspershiftedhisgriponthewheel,butotherwise,hegavenothingaway.Hewasasunreadableasapieceofblankpaper.
“Pennyforyourthoughts?”Iasked.
Heblinked.
“ApparentlyI’llhavetopaymore,”Imuttered.“Areyougoingtobelikethisallnight?Broodingand,well…grumpy?”
Jasperglancedover,hisjawticking,ashearchedaneyebrow.Finally,areaction.“I’mhere,aren’tI?”
“Areyou?”
Thiswasn’ttheJasperI’dbeenlivingwithforthepastmonth.Ormaybeitwas.MaybeI’dgottenusedtofillingthesilence.MaybeI’dforgottenhowrareitwastoearnasmilebecauseI’dbeenwinningthemmoreoften.
“Nevermind.”Ishookmyhead,dismissingthesubjectbeforeitcausedafight.ThenIsatalittletaller,oncemoretalkingtobattlemynerves.“Mygrandfatherbuiltthebarnbehindthehouse.Dadwastheonewhoputintheshopandstables.”
Theenormousbuildings,togetherwithMomandDad’shouse,formedranchheadquarters.TherewerethreeEdenRanchtrucksparkedintheopenlot,employeevehiclesleftfortheweekend.FourmorevehicleswerelinedupinfrontofMomandDad’splace.
Whichmeantwewerethelasttoarrive.
JaspereasedintothespacebesideFoster’struck.Ithadbeenquietonthedrive,butthemomentheshutofftheengine,Icouldhearmyheartpoundingagainstmysternum.
MyhandtrembledasIreachedforthedoor,butbeforeIcouldtouchthehandle,Jasper’shandsettledonmythigh.
“Here.”Hepoppedopentheconsole,takingoutasquare,velvetbox.
Aringbox.
“What’sthat?”Dumbquestion,Eloise.
“We’remarried,”hesaid.
“Soyougotmearing?”
Wasthatwherehe’dgonethismorning?I’dassumedhe’dleftafterbreakfastforaworkout.Buthemusthavestoppeddowntownandboughtmethisring.
Thejewelrystoreownersandtheirclerkswerehorriblegossips.ButiftheythoughtitwasstrangeforJaspertobuymearingnow,afterwe’dbeenmarriedforamonth,Ididn’tcare.
Iflippedopenthebox’slidandmyjawdropped.
Arounddiamond,atleasttwocaratsandutterlyflawless,satatopaplatinum,jewel-studdedband.Beneathitwasaweddingringmadeentirelyofdiamonds.Itwasdainty.Elegant.ExactlywhatIwouldhavepickedoutformyself.
“Jas.Thisis…”Toobeautiful.Tooexpensive.
Toorealforafakewife.
Icouldn’tfindtherightwords,soIjuststaredatthediamondsthroughblurryeyes,wishingIcouldparsetheemotionsswellinginsidemychest.
Jasperpluckedtheboxfrommyhand,takingouttheset.Thenhetookmyhand,pullingitacrosstheconsoletoslidethejewelryontomyfinger.Aperfectfit.
“Ididn’tbuyyouaring.”Mygazewhippedtohisaspanicrushedthroughmyveins.“Ishouldhaveboughtyouaring.”
“Idon’twearrings.”
“Oh.”Whynot?WasitbecausehetrainedwithFoster?Iguessifitcamedowntowearingaringorlosingafinger,I’dratherhenotweararingeither.
“Okay.Well,thankyou.”Mygazedroppedtotheringagain,mesmerizedbythegleamingjewel.Isoakedintheglitterandsparkle,thenleanedacrosstheconsole.
ThemomentIpressedmymouthtoJasper’s,hishandcuppedthebackofmyhead,pullingmecloser.Histonguelickedattheseamofmylips,slidinginsidewhenIopened.
Isankintothekiss,thelanguidstrokesofhistongueandthesoftpressofhislips.Itwasslowandunhurried.Differentthanthewayhekissedmeinbed
Whatwasthis?Affection?Intimacy?Anapology?Orjustanotherformofforeplay?
BeforeIcouldfigureitout,thesoundofadoorslammingfilledtheair.
JasperandIbrokeapartasGriffincamestridingacrossMomandDad’swraparoundporchwithEmmaonhiship.
“Thankyouforthering,”ItoldJasper.
Henodded,thenopenedhisdoor.
Ididthesame,climbingoutandwalkingtoGriffin.
“Hey.”Griffingavemeahug,thenheldoutEmmasoIcouldkisshercheek.Butshedidn’twantmetocarryher.Shewascontentwithherdaddy.Whenheletmego,heextendedahandtoJasper.“How’sitgoing?”
“Good.”Jaspernodded,shakingGriff’shand.
Thatwasagoodthing,right?Noangryglaresorscowls.
“Everyoneisinthestables,”Griffsaid,jerkinghischinthatdirection.“Oneofthehorseshadherfoalthismorning.”
“Aww.Cute.”Ifellinstepbesidemybrother,reachingbackforJasper’shand.
Hetookitbuthedidn’tholdit.NotthewayDadwouldholdMom’shand.NoteventhewayJasperwouldholdmyhandatnightwhilewewerehavingsex,withourpalmspressedtogetherlikehewantedtofusethemtogether.
Jasper’sgripwastoolooseaswewalked.Hisfingersbarelyclaspedmine.Allitwouldtakewasaquickflick,andhe’dbefree.
Fine.Ifhewouldn’tholdtight,thenI’ddoit.Ilacedmyfingersthroughhis.Ifhewantedtoescape,he’dhavetoworkforit.
Theearthyscentofhayandhorsesgreetedusaswewalkedintothestables.Whenmyeyesadjustedtothedimmerlight,Isawmyentirefamilyclusteredaroundastall,headspeeringpastthedoor.Atthesoundofourfootsteps,everyoneturned.
“Hi.”Noonepaidmeanyattention.AlleyeswereonJasper.SoIheldupourclaspedhands.“Everyone,meetJasper.Jasper,thisismyfamily.”
Ihadn’texpectedhimtosmilebuthedidn’tevenwave.Didn’tnod.Didn’tsayhello.Seriously?Whywasheactinglikethis?EvenFostergavehimasidewaysglance.
Jaspersaidthathestruggledwithfamily.Um…understatement.
Dadwalkedover,standinginfrontofus.
Whenheextendedhishand,IhadnochoicebuttoletJasper’sgo.
“HarrisonEden.”
“JasperVale.”HeshookDad’shand.
ThankGod.OtherwisehewouldhavebeenknownforeternityastheonlymanI’dbroughthometosnubmyfather.
Momjoinedus,standingatDad’sside.“AndI’mAnne.”
“Nicetomeetyouboth.”Jasperdippedhischin.“Thanksforhavingmefordinner.”
Hesoundedlikethisvisitwasaone-timetrip.Maybeitwas.
“Hey.”Lylacameoverwiththattoobright,toofriendlysmileonherface.“Howareyouguys?”
“Good.You?”
“Great.”HergazeflickedtoJasperforasplitsecondbeforeitdroppedtotheground.Exceptonitsdownwardpath,itlandedonmylefthand.Shetensedwhenshesawmyring.
Wehadn’ttalkedabouthercrush.ButIshouldhaveforcedit.Ishouldhavegottentheawkwardoverwithbeforeafamilygathering.HowcouldIhavenotrealizedshe’dbeenintoJasper?Iwassuchanasshole.Worstsisterever.
“Heardwehaveanewaddition,”Isaid,desperatelywantingtheattentiontogoanywhereelse.
“Acolt,”Dadsaid,leadingthewaytothestall.
Insidewasablackfoalwithawhitestaronhisforehead.
“Isn’thehandsome?”Ismiled.Itwasasfakeasmymarriage.IknewwithoutturningaroundthatJasperhadn’tfollowedusover.Thathewasstandingapart.
Dad’sarmcamearoundmyshoulder,pullingmeintoasidehug.
Ilookedup,meetinghisblueeyes.Theywerefullofconcern,probablybecauseDadalwayssawwhathischildrenweretryingtohide.Notallofit,butenough.
“Well,nowthatyou’rehere,wecannamehim,”hesaid.
“Noplanets,”KnoxsaidfromwherehestoodbesideMemphis.ShewasholdingbabyHarrisonwhilehehadDrakeinhisarms.
“We’reoutofplanetsanyway,”Itoldhim.
Yearsago,Dadhadboughteighthorses.Atthetime,I’dbeendoingaschoolprojectaboutthesolarsystem,soI’daskedtonamethehorsesafterplanets.MyhorsewasVenus.Herstall,threedown,wasempty,probablybecauseshewasoutgrazinginameadowwiththeothers.
Jupiter,Griffin’shorse,wasathishouse.Butotherwise,theothersevenlivedhere.MarsbelongedtoKnox.SaturnwasMateo’s.NeptuneandMercurywereLyla’sandTalia’s.MomandDadhadvolunteeredfortheleastdesirableplanetnames.
Eversincethosehorses,I’dbeennamingouranimals.Thedogs.Themilkcow.Thekittens.Wheneveracreatureneededaname,theycametome.
Butitwastimetopassthetorch.
“Let’sletKadencenamehim,”Isaid.
Foster’sseven-year-olddaughterstoodonhertiptoesbesideMom,hereyeslockedonthefoal.Atmysuggestion,hergazewhippedtome,thenDad.
“Really?”sheasked.“CanI?”
Dadnodded.“Heneedsaname.”
“WhatshouldIpick?”sheasked.
Adeepvoicefilledtheair.“AnythingotherthanEarthorUranus.”
Momgasped.
Weallturnedasamanstrodeintothestables.
Mateo.
“W-whatareyoudoinghere?”Momrushedtowardhim,pullinghimintoherarms.
SheblamedherrecentgrayhairsonthefactthatherbabywasflyingplanesinAlaska.That,andMateohadn’tbeengreataboutvisiting.
“Hey,Mom.”Hesweptherintohisarms,lookingbiggerthanwhenhe’dleft.Grownup,likeGriffinandKnox.
WhenMomsteppedaside,Dadclaimedhimnextforaback-slappinghug.“Welcomehome,son.Thisisasurprise.”
“Goodtobehere,Dad.”
Somethingsettled.Somethingclicked.Withallofusontheranch,itwaslikebeinghuggedbyhome.IglancedatJasper,wonderingifhefeltthelovetoo.
Hisarmswerecrossed.Hestaredblanklyatanemptystall.
Mygoodfeelingdimmed.
Mattygotmobbedwithhugsandhandshakes.Hebecamethecenterofattention,andIbreathedasighofrelief,movingtostandbesideJasper.Maybewe’dsurvivetonightafterall.
“Hi.”Mateowalkedover,pullingmeinforthelasthug,keepingmetuckedagainsthissideasheheldoutahandforJasper.“Youmustbethehusband.Jason?James?”
“Matty.”Ielbowedhimintheribs.
Hechuckled.“Kidding.Nicetomeetyou,Jasper.”
“Youtoo,”Jaspersaid,shakingMateo’shand.ItwasthefirstgenuinesentimentI’dseenfromhimsincewe’darrived.
“Congratulations.”Mateoglanceddown,pinchingmycheeklikeheusedtowhenwewerekids.
“Don’t.”Iswattedhishandaway.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Can’tIcomehome?”heteased.
“Howlongdowehaveyou?”Mom’svoicewascautious,likeshealreadydespisedhisanswer.“What’syourplan?”
Heshrugged,lettingmegotodragahandthroughhishair.ItwaslongernowthanI’deverseenit,likehehadn’tcutitinmonths.“Well,firstIwashopingfordinner.ThenI’mgoingtofindanemptybedandsleepfortwodays.Afterthat,whatever.Seewhoneedshelparoundhere.”
“Me.”Myhandshotintheair.Griffinhadhismouthopen,likehewasabouttoofferMateoworktoo,butIpointedmyfingerathisnose.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.Icalleddibsfirst.”
Griffchuckled.“Fine.”
Matty,liketherestofus,hadspenthisteenageyearsworkinghereontheranchandatthehotel.
“Evenifit’sjustforafewdays,I’dlovesomehelp,”Itoldhim.“Thankyou.”
“Howaboutifitwasformorethanafewdays?”
“Wait.”Iblinked.“Whatdoyoumean?WhataboutAlaska?”
“Alaska’sgreat.Butit’snotMontana.”
“Doesthatmeanyou’rehome?”ThehopeinTalia’svoicewaswrittenoneveryEdenface.“Forgood?”
Henodded.“Fornow.”
Momcoughed,clearingherthroat.Shehadtearsinhereyes.“Ineedtogetstartedondinner.”
Withoutanotherword,sheturnedandwalkedoutofthestables.She’dretreattoherkitchenandshedafewtearsofjoy.Thenshe’dfussoverMateothemomenthecrossedthethreshold.
Everyonetrickledoutbehindher,onebyone,headingforthehouse.
ExceptJasper.
Hewalkedtowardthestall,peeringinsidetolookatthefoal.
Itookthespacebesidehim,butIdidn’tlookatthebaby.Istaredathisprofile,waitingforhimtolookmyway.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah.”
Liar.
He’dtoldmelastnighthewasn’toneforfamilyfunctions.Why?WhatwasImissing?Whatwashisfamilylike?MaybeIshouldn’thavepushedsohardforthis.Partofmewantedtobeg,topleadwithhimtojust…try.Instead,Itoldhimwhatwasinmyheart.
“Idon’twantthemtohateyouwhenthisisover,”Iwhispered.
“Don’tyouthinkit’seasierthatway?”
“Whatdoyoumean,easier?”
Heliftedashoulder.“Theydon’tneedtoknowmetohateme.”
“ButIdon’twantthemtohateyou.”Myhearttwisted.Whywouldtheyhatehim?
“Idon’tcareiftheydo.”
“Jasper.”Myvoicecracked.“Ido.”
Wasthathowhesawusending?Withhateinourhearts?Partofmewantedtohughim.Theotherpartwantedtothrowahandfulofhorseshitinhisfaceforbeingsuchanidiot.
“Idon’twantthemtocurseyourname,”Isaid.“Totalkaboutyouforyearsasthebadguywhobrokemyheart.Idon’twantthemtothinkofyouthatway,becauseit’snothowIwanttothinkofyou.”
Hesighed,snaggingmyhandandpullingmeintohisarms.Hekissedmyhair.Thentogether,wewalkedtothehouse.
Butnothingchanged.
Throughdinner,hehardlyspoke.Heonlyansweredquestionsthatweredirectedathim.
Yes,hewasquietnormally.Butthiswasdifferent.Tense.EvenwhenFosterengagedwithhim,hegavetheshortestanswerspossible.Untilpeoplestoppedtrying.EveryonegavetheirattentiontoMateoinstead,whileIfoughttheurgetocry.
Jasperseemeddeterminedtobethevillain.
Maybehewasright.Maybethatwouldmakeiteasier.Maybeitdidn’tmatterwhatanyonethoughtofmyhusband.
Thiswasjustalieanyway.CHAPTERTHIRTEENJASPER
FosterandIsatacrossfromeachotheronthematsathisgym,stretchingourhamstringsafterathree-milerun.
“Sodidyouseetheannouncement?”heasked.
“Idid.”
ThiswasthesubjectI’dbeenwaitingforhimtobringupallmorning.I’dthoughthemightwanttotalkaboutitduringtherun.Instead,he’dstayedquiet,lettingmepushhimfasterandfaster.Untilnow,whenhewasready.
“Greatstatement,”Isaid.
“Taliahelpedmewriteit.”
Fosterhadannouncedhisretirementtoday.InthenewsarticleI’dreadthismorning,he’dthankedtheUFCandhisfansforsupportinghimthroughouthiscareer.He’deventhankedme.
Hisretirementwasn’tnews,nottothoseofuswhoknewhimpersonally.He’dtoldmeaboutitweeksagobuthadchosentoholdoffontheannouncementtoridethewaveofhisfinalvictoryforjustalittlebitlonger.
Untilnow,whenitwastimetosaygoodbye.
“Itfeelsstrange.”Hedraggedahandoverhisbeard.“Notbad,just…Idon’tknowtherightword.”
“Official.”
“Somethinglikethat.”
“Youallright?Nosecondthoughts?”
Heshookhishead.“Noregrets.I’mwhereIneedtobe.”
Andhehadawholefutureaheadofhim,alifetobuildwithTaliaandtheirgrowingfamily.
“EventhoughI’mretired,you’restillmytrainer,”hesaid.
“Iknow.”
He’dtoldmethesamethingwhenhe’dsharedhisdecisiontostepawayfromfighting.Therewasn’tadoubtinmymindthatFosterwouldpaymefortherestofhislifejusttorunalongsidehimaroundQuincy.Tosparwithhimathisprivategym.Tostretchinthisveryspot.
Buttraininghadneverbeenaboutthemoney.Ididn’tneedmoney.
I’dstartedtrainingbecauseI’dneeded…something.
MorethantenyearsI’dbeendoingthisandIstillcouldn’texactlyarticulatethatsomething
Thephysicalreleasewaspartofit.Sowasthethrillofwatchingastudentorathletewin.AndwhenI’dstarteddownthispath,ithadbeenthefirsttimeinmylifewhenIhadn’tfeltlikeasecondthought.WhenI’dwalkedintomyfirstdojoallthoseyearsago,Ihadn’tbeenaburden.
Finally,I’dbeenintherightplaceattherighttime.
Montanahadbeentherightplace,initially.WithFoster’sretirement,well…Iwasn’tsurewhatwasnext.
Foryears,Fosterhadforgedthepath.He’dled.I’dfollowed.Thathadsuitedmejustfine.Buthe’dfinishedhisjourney.He’dfoundthatpotofgoldattheendoftherainbow.
SowherewasIheaded?
ThelasttimeI’dbeeninthisposition,staringatablankfuture,I’dmanagedtofindacareer.Abestfriend.
Butthatfriendshipwasabouttochange.WhenEloiseandIgotdivorced,Fosterwouldchooseaside,andIwasn’tfoolishenoughtothinkitwouldbemine.
Damn,butI’dmisshim.Theworryofwhatwastocomewaslikeanendlesscloudhangingovermyhead.
Fosterjumpeduptohisbarefeet,rollinghisarmsinbigcircles,looseninghismuscles.“IsEloiseworkingtoday?”
“No,she’sathome.TheweekenddeskclerkneedsSaturdayoffsoshe’sgoingtocoverandtaketodayoffinstead.”
WhenI’dleftthecabinthismorning,she’dbeenfoldinglaundry.She’dmentionedrunningerrandslaterandswingingouttotheranch.There’dbeennoinvitationtotagalong,probablybecausesheknewIwouldhavesaidno.
Ithadbeenamonthsincethatawkwardandtensedinnerwithherfamily.OtherthanoccasionallycrossingpathswithTaliahereatthegymormyinfrequentstopsatthecoffeeshopwhereI’dbumpintoLyla,Ihadn’tseenmuchoftheEdens.
Ipreferreditthatway.
Eloisedidn’tbringthemup.EvenFosterrarelymentionedthemanymore.
I’donlygonetothatdinnerbecauseEloisehadinsisted,butithadtakenallmywillpowernottocalloutherparentsontheirbullshit.
Howcouldtheynotseehowhardshewastrying?Ihadnodoubtthattheylovedher.Buttherewasareasonshewasfakingthismarriage.
Herfamily,herparents,hadputsomuchpressureonEloisetochangethatshe’dconvincedherselfshewasn’tgoodenough.Thattogetthathotel,shecouldn’tsayno.Thatshehadtobeperfect.
Shealreadywas.
Theywantedhertohardenthatbeautifulheart,toputupwallsandshutpeopleout.Toguardherselfsonoone,includingme,couldtakeadvantageofhertrustingnature.Iftheykeptpushing,they’dsnuffoutallofthewonderfulthatmadeherEloise.
Butthiswasn’tmyfight.ConsideringtheunhealthyrelationshipIhadwithmyownparents,Ihadnoplacetospeakup.SoI’dstayedquietatdinner.
DidIhavetoliketheEdens?No.AnddespiteEloise’swishes,theydidn’tneedtolikemeeither.I’dbegonesoon.Theweddingwasattheendofthemonth.
ItwouldbeEloise’sturntodealwithfamily—mine.
AndSam’s.
Afterthat,she’drealizejusthowmessedupthisentiresituationwas,howshittyitwasofmetoaskhertogowithmetoItaly.She’dprobablyputarushondraftingourdivorcepapers.
“Whatelsedoyoufeellikedoing?”Fosterasked.“Wanttospar?”
“Doyou?”We’dspentsomanyyearstogether,Iknewwhatanswerwascoming
Heshrugged.“Notreally.”
“Let’scallitquits.”Istood,walkingovertothebenchwhereI’dleftmysweatshirtandphone.
“Howaboutwegotolunch?”heasked.
“Sure.”Ipulledonmyhoodie,coveringmysweatyT-shirt.IfIonlyhadweeksleftinQuincywithFoster,I’ddojustaboutanythinghewanted.
Exceptanotherpainfuldinnerattheranch.
“YougoodwithEdenCoffee?”
“Soundsgood.”
Althoughgoingtherefeltlikeaslightbetrayal.AccordingtoEloise,Lylawasstillactingstrange,soshe’dbeenavoidingthecoffeeshop.ButifthatwaswhereFosterwantedtoeat,I’dlethimchoose.HehadtoliveinQuincyfortherestofhislife.HehadtodealwiththeEdens.
EloiseandLylawouldpatchthingsupafterIwasgone.
“MindifItakeaquickshower?”Fosterjerkedhischintothegym’ssmallapartment.Itwaswherehe’dlivedwhenhe’dfirstmovedtoQuincy.
“Notatall.”Isweptupmyphone,takingaseatonthebenchwhilehedisappearedintotheapartment.Amomentlater,thewaterturnedon.
Iwasjustabouttoscrollthroughthenewswhenmyphonerang.Myinsidesknottedatthenameonthescreen.
Samantha
Thecallshouldn’thavesurprisedme.EversinceI’dmailedthereplytothatweddinginvitationwithmynameandaplus-one,I’dknownanothercallwascoming.Still,mypulsequickenedasmyheartcrepttowardmythroat.
“What,Samantha?”Ianswered,grippingthephonetootightasIpressedittomyear.
“Oh,myfullname.You’reinabadmood.”
WhenwasIgoingtostopansweringhercalls?Iregrettediteachandeverytime.YethereIwas,listeningtohervoiceontheotherendofthelineforthethousandthtime.“Didyouneedsomething?I’mworking.”
“Areyouthough?IreadanarticletodayaboutFosterMadden’sretirement.”
Igrittedmyteeth,holdingbackasnidecommentthatwouldjustdragthisout.
Soshe’dcalledtorubitinmyface.Samhadalwayscriticizedmyjobasatrainer.Toher,itwasahobby.Notsomethinganyself-respectingmanwoulddo,becauseitwouldnevermakemerich.
Iwasalreadyrich,somethingsheverywellknew,butnoamountofmoneywouldeverbeenoughformyex-wife.
“What’snew?Fuckanyoneinterestinglately?”sheasked.
“Dowereallyneedtodothis?”
“Oh,that’sayes.Tellmeallabouther.Doesshetugyourhairjustthewayyoulikeit?”
Asamatteroffact,yes.Eloisewasalwayspullingonmyhairwhenwewerehavingsex.ButIkeptmymouthshut.
“Tellme.”
“No,”Iclipped.
“Jasper.”
Istayedquiet,havinglearnedalongtimeagothatwhetherItalkedornot,itwouldn’tmatter,nottoSam.Shedidn’tgiveadamnwhatIhadtosay.
She’dfillthelullinconversation.
Eloisedidthattoo.
ThoughEloiseneverspokewiththeintentiontohurt.Hertonguewasn’thergreatestweapon.No,whenEloisetalked,thatheartofhersshinedevenbrighter
“Howmanytimeshaveyoufuckedher?”Samasked.“Morethanonce?Isshethefirstsinceme?”
Yes.Atthirty-threeyearsold,IcouldcountontwofingersthewomenI’dsleptwithmorethanonce.Samantha.
AndEloise.
“Yoursilenceistelling,Jasper.”
Ialwaysregrettedthesecalls,butnonesomuchastoday’s.
Whenhadwestartedthissickgame?IwishedIcouldgobackintime,tothatfirstphonecallafterourdivorce,andblockSam’snumber.
There’dbeenawomaninmybedwhenshe’dcalled.I’djustmovedtoVegas.I’dmetaprettywomanatabarandhadforgottenhernameassoonasshe’dspokenit.ButIhadn’tneededanametotakehertobed.
Themorningafter,Sam’scallhadwokenmeupearly.Ithadwokenthewomantoo.Samhadheardherinthebackground,andinsteadofhangingup,she’daskedifI’dlikedfuckinganotherwoman.
I’dliedandsaidyes,mostlytomakeSamjealous.
ButSamanthahadcalledmeonthelie.We’dknowneachothertoodamnlongtopulloffconvincinglies.
Twoweekslater,Samhadcalledagain.AskedifI’dbeenwithanotherwoman.SoI’dtoldherallofthevividdetails,rubbingmysexlifeinherface,thinkingmaybeitwouldhurtherthewayshe’dhurtme.
Ithadn’t.
Tenyearshadpassedsinceourdivorce.
Whenwouldthisstop?
“Ihadsexlastnight,”shesaid.“Ithoughtaboutyou.Ithoughtaboutourfirsttime.Rememberthat?Weweresoyoung.”
Andstupid.Wehadn’tusedanyprotection.Thankfuckshehadn’tgottenpregnant.
“Itwasso…bad.”Shelaughed.“Itwassweet.Youweresogentle.Butweweresobadinthebeginning.Thenwegotbetter,didn’twe?”
“Yeah,Iguessso.”Idraggedahandthroughmyhair.We’dlearnedwitheachother.Taughteachother.I’dneverforgetthetwoofussittingonmybed,shouldertoshoulder,readingabookontantricsex.
AnyotherwomanandIprobablywouldhavebeenembarrassed.NotSam.
“Whoisthismysterywoman?Issheanygood?”
“Goodbye,Samantha.”
“Wait.”
Hell.“What?”
“Tellme.Doesshemakeyouloseyourmind?Doessherakehernailsdownyourbackandleavemarks?”
“Yes.It’sthebestsexI’veeverhad.”
Itwasthetruth.
AndI’dneverfeltsofuckingslimyinmylife.
“Areyoubringingthiswomantomywedding?”Samasked.
“Yes,Iam.”
“Whoisshe?”
IfIcouldn’thangupthephone,thenwhatIwasabouttotellSamwoulddothetrick.“Mywife.”
Thelinewentquiet.
NooneinmyfamilyknewI’dgottenmarried.TherewasnowaySamcouldhaveknownbeforenow.
Samclearedherthroat.“I’mexcitedtomeether.”Alie.
“She’satreasure.”Atruth.
Withoutagoodbye,Samendedthecall.Probablytomakeanother.ToscatterherminionsinsearchofgossipandinformationonEloise.ButwhateverdramaSamconjuredwouldn’ttouchus,notinMontana.
AndanyonewhomighthavecaredthatI’dgottenmarriedinsecret,well…they’dstoppedtalkingtomealongtimeago.Myparentsincluded.
Istoodfromthebenchsuppressingtheurgetopuke.
Fosterwalkedout,dressedincleanclothes,hishairwet.Hehelduphisphone.“Okay,changeofplan.Tally’snotfeelingwell.She’s,um…”
“Pregnant.”Itwasaguess,somethingI’dsuspectedforawhile.ButmyhunchwasconfirmedbyFoster’swidesmile.
“Wehaven’ttoldmany,butIwantedyoutoknow.”
“Congratulations.”Ipulledhimintoahug.“I’mhappyforyou.Truly.”
Withallthathe’dendured,losingTalia,thefighttowinherback,Fosterdeservedthishappiness.
Heclappedmeontheback,lettingmego.“Thankyou.”
“Gohome.CheckonTalia.Youupforaworkouttomorrow?”
“Definitely.Nine?”
“I’llbehere.”Withawave,Iheadedforthedoor,climbingintheYukon.ThenIbreathedasighofrelief.Iwouldn’thavebeenabletositthroughlunchtoday.NotaftertalkingtoSam.SoItookthefamiliarroadtowardtown,gratefultohaveafewminutestoshoveitaside.
MainStreetwascrowdedwithpeople.Touristseasonhadarrivedinfullforceandhappystrangerscrowdedthesidewalks.Kids,freefromschoolonsummerbreak,skippedalongtheblocks,theirparentstrailingbehind.
Therewasanenergyintheair,onethathadn’tbeenherethiswinter.Quincywasnolongerinhibernationbutflourishingalongwiththeruggedcountryside.Thesnowhadmelted,makingwayforbloomingflowers.
IfsomeonehadaskedmeinJanuaryifI’dmissithere,Iwouldhavesaidfuckno.ButmaybeI’dmissitafterall.OfalltheplacesI’dtraveledinmylife,thereweren’tmanyascaptivatingasMontana.
Eloise’scarwasstillparkedoutsidetheA-framewhenIgothome.
Iheadedinside,droppingmykeysandphoneonthekitchenislandjustasshewalkedoutofthelaundryroom,carryingafullbasket.“Hey.”
“Hi.”Shewaswearingasimplegreendressthathithermidthigh.Herfeetwerebare,showingoffherpolishedtoenails.White.Thismorningthey’dbeenpink.
Herhairwasdown,thesilkystrandsdrapingoverhershoulders.Whenshesmiled,herblueeyessparkledlikejewels.Itwasthatsmilethatstoppedmeinmytracks.Shelookedatmelikewatchingmecomethroughthedoorwasthehighlightofherwholeday.
Andnotthatlongago,I’dtoldSamhowmuchIlikedfuckingmywife.
Iwasn’tsupposedtolikethatlabel.Myheartwasn’tsupposedtostopwheneverEloisewalkedintotheroom.
“What’swrong?”Shesetthebasketdownonthecouch,comingcloser.Hergazerakedovermefromheadtotoe.“DidFosterpunchyouagain?”
“No.It’snothing.”Ishookmyhead,turningawayandwalkingtothefridge.“Thoughtyouweregoingtotheranch.”
“Ichangedmymind.Ididn’tfeellikedrivingouttheretoday.”
ItookoutaGatorade,twistingoffthecapanddrinkinghalfinafewgulps.ThenIsetitdownonthecounter,staringblanklyatthebottle.“Fosterannouncedhisretirementtoday.”
“Oh.”Sheroundedtheislandandhoppeduponthecounter,sittingrightbesidemydrink.“Youokay?”
“Iknewitwascoming.”
Herhandlifted,herfingertipsgoingtomyhair.ExactlythewayIliked.“Thatdoesn’tanswermyquestion.”
Isighed,leaningintohertouch.“ThebiggestcommitmentI’vemadeinthelastdecadehasbeentoFoster’scareer.”
“Whatnow?”shewhispered,voicingthequestioninmyhead.
“Idon’tknow.”Ileanedincloser,droppingmyforeheadtohers.
Myentirechildhood,I’dbeenhandedaplan.Ithadbeendrawnoutformebeforebirth,sculptedfromgenerationsofValemenwhohadunyieldingexpectationsthattheirfootstepswouldbefollowed.
Ithadn’tbeenashardasI’dthoughttoshunthoseexpectations.Thecriticism,orlackthereof,hadbeenmild.Tolerable.
Myparentswouldhavetocaretobedisappointed.
Thosedays,I’dembracedthelackofplan.I’ddonewhateverI’dwanted,wheneverI’dwanted.Spontaneityhadbeenanadventure.
Itdidn’tfeelasexcitingthistimearound.
Eloise’sfingersdriftedovermyface,tracingmycheekbonetomylips.Touching.Shewasalwaystouching.Justlikeshewasalwayscurledagainstmysidewhenwesleptbecauseapparentlyshewasallergictoherownsideofthebed.
I’dmissthetouchingwhenthiswasover.Notsomuchthecuddling.
“Hey.”Shepulledaway,givingmeasadsmile.“You’llfigureitout.”
“Yeah.”I’ddecidewhentheweddingwasover.
“Hungry?”sheasked.“Icouldcookuslunch.”
“Peanutbutterandjellydoesn’tcountascooking.”Inippedatherlowerlip.Andifshewasheretoday,Ididn’twanttospenditinthekitchen.
Withaquicksweep,Iliftedherfromthecounter.
Shegasped,herlonglegswrappingaroundmyhips.
“Kiss.”
Shedroppedhermouthtomine,onearmslidingaroundmyshoulderswhiletheothertuckedalockofhairbehindherear.HereyesdriftedclosedbutIkeptmineopen,watchingashertongueflutteredagainstmylowerlip.
I’dtaughtherthatflutter.
Twoweeksago,whenI’ddonetheexactmovewithmytongueagainstherclit,she’dcomeapart.Thenbeforeshe’ddriftedofftosleep,she’dsaidshewishedshecoulddoit.Soforthepasttwoweeks,we’dpracticed.
Shehaditdownnow.Thatflutterwasfuckingperfect.
Itoremylipsaway,waitinguntilsheopenedhereyes.
“What?”sheasked,breathless.
Myarmstightenedaroundher,haulinghersocloseshecouldfeelmyarousal.“Thatflutterismine.Onlymine.”
“Huh?”
Iwaited,givingheraminutetounderstand.
Noothermangotthatflutter.
Thesparkleinhergazedimmed,likeasheercurtainhadbeendrapedacrossawindow.“Don’ttalklikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
“Jas.”Sheunwrappedherlegs,wigglingtobesetdown,butmyholdonheronlytightened.
“Promiseme,Eloise.Don’tgiveittoanyoneelse.”
Thiswasit.Inallthevowswe’dmade,thisonewastheonlyoneIwantedhertokeep.
Hereyessearchedmineforalongmoment,sorrowcreepingintothoseprettyblueirises,untilshenodded.“Promise.”
Islammedmymouthonhers,ourtonguestwisting.IkissedherwitheverythingIhad,marking,claiming,needingtomemorizehersweettaste.ThenIchangedmyhold,cradlingherwithanarmbeneathherknees,theotherbandedaroundherbackasIwalkedthroughthecabin,carryinghertothebedwe’dshareforanothermonth.
Thesunstreamedthroughthebalcony’sslidingglassdoor,illuminatingtheloft.IsetEloiseonherfeet,andshereachedforthehemofherdress,draggingitfromherbodybeforeIhadachancetostripitfreemyself.
Herbodywasafuckingdream,firmbutsoftinalltherightplaces.
Myownclothespuddledonthefloorbesidehersassheunclaspedherbraandshimmiedoutofherpanties.
Thenwecollided.Mouths.Hands.Skin.Whenwefellintobed,herlegsspreadwide.Myhipssettledintothecradleofhers,andthenIslidhome.
“Jas.”Herfingernails,alsowhite,dugintothefleshofmyshoulders.Itwouldn’ttakemorethanafewstrokesandshe’dcomeapart.Theflutterofherinnerwallswasasaddictiveashertongue.
TherewasonlysomuchIcoulddemandformyself.Herorgasmsweremine,fornow.Thenshe’dgivethemtoanotherman.Justthethoughtsentredthroughmyvision,ajealousrageaspowerfulasanyfeelingI’dhadinmonths.
Ithrustintoherbodyhard,wantinghertorememberwhatitfeltlikewhenIfuckedher.
“Lookatme,”Iordered,mybreathhotagainstherear.
WhenIleanedback,hereyeswerewaiting.Islammedinsideofher,allthewaytothehilt.
“Remember.”Rememberme.
Herhandcametomycheek.“Willyou?”
Fortherestofmylife.CHAPTERFOURTEENELOISE
Mateoleanedagainstthereceptioncounteratthehotel,lookinglikehewasabouttobroachthesubjectI’dmanagedtododgeforoveramonth.
Mymarriage.
“So…”hesaid.
“Westillhavethreeguestscomingintonight.”Iclickedthemouse,wakingupthecomputer.“Hopefullythey’llgetheresoon.I’dlovetochecktheminbeforeIgohometonight.There’sbeenalotofchangestothereservationsoftwaresincethelasttimeyouworkedthedesk.”
Aspromised,Mateohadspentthepastmonthhelpingmeatthehotel.He’dmostlybeencoveringshiftsinhousekeeping.There’dbeenafewmaintenanceprojectsI’daskedhimtotackletoo,butthiswasthefirsttimeI’dneededhimasadeskclerk.
Myregularnightdeskclerkhadcalledinsickthismorning,andI’dplannedtocovermyself.ButI’dbeenheresinceseven,andwhenMateohadcomeinthisafternoon,he’dvolunteeredtoworktonight.
“Icanfigureoutthesoftware,”hesaid.
“Okay.”Ilookedtothedoors,prayingaguestwouldwalkinsidesothetwoofusweren’talone.Sowedidn’thavetotalkaboutJasper.
“What’sJaspergoingtodonowthatFosterisretiring?”Mateoasked.
Ishrugged.“He’snotsureyet.”Ormaybehehadaplan.Mateo’sguesswasasgoodasmine.
IthadbeenaweeksinceFoster’sretirementhadbeenannounced,andifJasperwassureofhisnextsteps,hehadn’tsharedthemwithme.Whywouldhe?Weonlyhadacouplemoreweekstogountilthewedding,thenI’dnolongerbehisfakewife.
Iwastryingmyverybestnottoletthatchafe.
JustlikeIwastryingmyverybesttonotthinkaboutwhatJulywouldbring.
Divorce.
Dreadhadbecomeaconstantcompanionthesepastcoupleofweeks.Itwasasunwelcomeasitwastroubling.Wasn’tIsupposedtobelookingforwardtothisdivorce?Tohavingmynormallifeback?TorightingthewrongI’dmadeinLasVegas?
Thismarriagehadtoend.JasperandIweren’tinlove.Thiswasn’tsomefairytale.Yettheideaofwatchinghimleavemademyheartsink.
“How’sitgoingwithJasper?”Mateoasked.“Behonest.”
“Good.”Notgreat,butgood.
Goodenough.
WhenJasperandIwereattheA-frame,whentherestoftheworldwasablurbeyondthebedroom,itwaseasy.Buttheothertwentyhoursofeverydaywereabitmoredifficult.
Pryinganythingbutorgasmsoutofthatmanwasimpossible.
Istilldidn’tknowanythingabouthisfamily.Heneveraskedaboutmine.Ihadnocluewhathadhappenedwithhisex-wifeandwhythisweddingwassoimportant.
WasIjustatooltospiteher?Ordidhestillloveher?Whentheofficiantaskedifanyoneobjectedtothemarriage,wouldJasperraisehishand?
Eitherway,IdoubtedI’dlikeanyoftheanswerstothosequestions.Mycuriositywascrippling,butIrefusedtoask.
Mateoglancedaroundthelobby,makingsurewewerealone.
Unfortunately,wewere.WhywasitthatwheneverIwantedaquietminutealoneatthehotel,I’dbeswamped,butwhenIneededsomeone,anyone,toprovideadistraction,thelobbywasassilentasagrave?
“Youshouldknow…MomandDadareworried.”
Mystomachpitched.Itshouldn’thavesurprisedme,butitdid.“Why?I’mfine.”
“Theydon’tlikeJasper.”
Iwinced.“Ouch.That’sprettysevere,don’tyouthink?”
“Isit?Comeon,Eloise.Putyourselfintheirshoes.TheiryoungestdaughtergoestoLasVegasforaweekendandcomeshomemarried,whichshethenhidesforamonth.Thetruthfinallycomesout,andwhentheyattempttogettoknowtheirnewson-in-law,heblowsthemoff.”
“Jaspercametodinner.”
Mateoarchedaneyebrow.“Andwantedtobeanywhereelse.Thatwasthemostawkwarddinnerthattablehasseeninyears.”
“Givehimabreak,Mateo.We’realotasagroup.NoteveryoneadjuststotheEdenchaosimmediately.”Itwasaflimsydeflection.Thatdinnerhadbeenawful.
Nosurprise,MomandDadhadn’tbotheredwithanotherinvitationthispastmonth.Wecertainlyhadn’tmadeanyattemptstovisitthemeither.
“Idon’twantthemtobeworried.”Isighed.Soon,thiswouldallgoaway.
“Well,theyare.They’reworriedJasperistakingadvantageofyou.”
“He’snot.”
“Areyousure?Where’shefrom?What’shisfamilylike?HowishegoingtosupportyounowthatFosterisretiring?”
“Icansupportmyself,thankyouverymuch.”
IhadnoideawhatJasper’smonetarysituationwasbutitwasn’tmybusiness.ButIdoubtedhewasbroke.He’dboughttheA-frame.He’dboughtthediamondringonmyfinger.Nothingabouthimstruckmeasamanseekinghiswife’spaycheck.
“Sohe’scountingonyoutosupportyouboth?”
“Whatthehelliswiththisinterrogation?”Isnapped.
“You’remysister,Eloise.”Mateo’svoicegentled.Theconcerninhisfacenearlybrokeme.
Forasplitsecond,Iwantedtoconfessitall.TotellhimthetruthaboutJasper.ButIkeptmymouthshut.
Admittingtheliefeltimpossible.ThisholeI’ddugformyselfjustkeptgettingdeeper.IfItoldthemthewholestory,they’dresentme.
ButifIstayedquiet,thenIwaslettingthemresentJasperinstead.
Ironic,thatI’dtoldhimIdidn’twantmyfamilytohatehimwhenthiswasover.ButI’dmadethatimpossible,hadn’tI?Bykeepingthissecret,itwasnevergoingtoendpeacefully.
StupidEloise.
Shame,disgustcreptbeneathmyskin,makingmeshiver.
“He’sagoodman.”Ibelievedittomyverysoul.
“Okay.”Mateohelduphishands,droppingthistopic.“I’mgoingtoruntoLyla’sforcoffee.Wantanything?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,thanks.”
“Seeyouinaminute.”AsMateostrodeacrossthelobby,Isatfrozen,myheartracingasIreplayedthatconversation.
MomandDadwereworried.Howworried?
JasperandIhadstayedtogetherinanefforttoproveIwasresponsibleenoughtotakeoverthishotel.Butiftheydidn’tlikeJasper,iftheythoughthewastakingadvantage,orthatmaybehewantedasliceoftheEdenfortune,wouldthatchangeeverything?
WhatifI’druinedthisafterall?Whatiftheywouldn’tletmehavethehotelbecauseIwasstillmarried?
“Whatamess.”Aheadachebloomedbehindmytemples.Whydidwehavetogetmarried?IfIhadatimemachine,I’dgobacktothatnightandchangeeverything.Wouldn’tI?
“Justacouplemoreweeks.”AcouplemoreweeksuntilIcouldmakethisright.AcouplemoreweekswithJasper.
Thecountdownshouldhaveeasedmyheadache.
Itonlyseemedtomakethepainworse.
Thelobbydoorsopenedbutitwasn’taguestwhocameinside.ItwasMom.
Isatstraighter,forcingabrightsmile.“Hey,Mom.”
“Hi,sweetheart.”Sheroundedthecounter,kissingmycheek.“Howareyoutoday?”
“Oh,fine.Busy.Youknowhowitgetsinthesummer.”Therewasn’tasinglevacancyuntilSeptember,andwe’dbeenrunningatfullcapacitysinceMemorialDay.
Ilovedtouristseason,whenfreshfacesfloodedthesidewalksofmyhometown,whenpeoplegottoexperiencetheenchantmentofQuincy.Normally,I’dspendasmuchtimeaspossibleatTheEloise,notonlytocareforguestsbuttosoakintheirenergy.Butthisyear,moreoftenthannot,Ifoundmyselfitchingtoleaveeachevening.ToreturntothecabinandgetlostinJasperforthenight.
AssoonasMateoreturnedfromEdenCoffee,I’dbeoutthedoor.
“I’mgladMateoisheretohelp,”ItoldMom.
“I’mgladhe’sheretoo.”Hereyessoftened.Momwasinheavennowthatallsixofherchildrenwereathome.AddtothathergrandkidsanditwasrareIsawherwithoutasmilethesedays.
“How’s,um…Jasper?”Hersmiledimmed.Idoubtedsheevenknewitwashappening,butithurt.
NotthatIblamedher.Thiswasallmyfault.
“He’sgreat,”Isaid,turningtheringsonmylefthand.“Hepromisedmefishtacosfordinnertonight.”
“Yum.”Momlookedlikeshewasgoingtosaysomethingelse,maybetoaskforarecipe.Butinstead,sheglancedaroundthelobby.“Everyonecheckedinfortoday?”
“Notquite.”
MommightshareabondwithKnoxandLylainthekitchen,butshesharedsomethingimportantwithmetoo.
Thishotel.
TheranchhadkeptDadbusyforyears,andMomcouldhaveworkedtheretoo,likemanycouplesdidonMontanafarmsandranches.ButMomhadtakenaninterestinthehotel,andratherthanhireamanagerfortheinn,she’dtakenitonherself.Somehow,she’dbalancedsixchildrenandacareer.
I’dalwaysadmiredjusthowcapableshewas.
Asalittlegirl,I’dspentcountlesshourswithherhere,sittingontheflooratherfeetbehindthissamemahoganycounterwhileshe’dchattedwithguests.I’dreenactedherconversationswithmydolls.I’dpretendedtheyweremyhotelguests,visitingQuincyfromfarawayplaces.
WhenI’dgottentokindergarten,myteacherhadbeenamazedathowwellIknewgeographyforafive-year-old.ItwasbecauseMomwouldshowmeonamapwhereeveryguestwasfrom.
Maybeothergirlswouldhavewantedtotraveltheworld,toseethosedifferentplaces.ButIwascontenttostayhere.
Mydreamsweren’tbeyondthewallsofthishotel.
Theywerethewalls.
MomandDadhadmadesomerenovationsandupdates,thoughIhadsomeideasofmyowntoplayuptheboutiquefeelforTheEloise.Exceptthoseideaswouldneedtowaituntilitwasofficiallymine.
Ifitwasevergoingtobeofficiallymine.
“Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutsomething,”Momsaid.
Itensed,notsureIhadtheenergyforanotherdiscussionaboutJasper.“Ofcourse.What’sup?”
“DoyourememberLydiaMitchum?”
“Um,doI?”Butmaybethiswasn’taboutJasper.ThankGod.
“Shewasmycollegeroommate.Youmetbutit’sbeenages.Youwereprobablyonlyeightornine.”
“Sorry,Idon’tremember.Why?”
“Well,shemovedtoQuincy.Ihaven’ttalkedtoherinprobablytenyears,butoutoftheblue,shecalledandtoldmeshe’djustboughtahouseonEvergreenDrive.”
“Oh,that’snice.”
“Wejustmetforcoffeeandtocatchup.That’swhyI’mintown.”
“Mateowasheadedthatway.”
Momnodded.“Ipassedhimonmywayhere.Anyway,Lydiahasason.Blaze.”
“Blaze.Interestingname.”
“He’sseventeen.Shedidn’tgetintothewholestory,butIgottheimpressionLydia’shadaroughdecade.Imetthemanshemarriedonceanddidn’tlikehimmuch.Shedivorcedhimthisyear.Goodforher.ButBlazeisstruggling.TheywerelivinginMissoula,butIguesshehadsomemajorproblemsinhishighschoolthere.Shethoughtmaybeamovewouldbeagoodreset.”
“Ah.Well…thisisagoodplacetoreset.”
“She’sstillnotsureifshe’sgoingtosendhimtohighschoolorjusthomeschoolhimforhissenioryear.Butifshedoeskeephimhome,she’sworriedhewon’tgetenoughsocialinteraction.Apparentlyhe’sveryintrovertedandwouldbehappyplayingvideogamestwelvehoursaday.”
“Okay,”Idrawled,feelingtherealquestioncoming.
“Lydiawantshimtogetajob.”
Iswallowedagroan.“I’dbehappytointerviewhim.”
“Oryoucouldjusthirehimforthatopenpart-timeposition.”
ThepositionIstillhadn’tbeenabletofill.Threepeoplehadapplied.Twohadcomeintointerview—theotherhadghostedme—butthefithadbeenoff.SoI’dpassedthemup,notwantingtogetintoasituationwhereIhadtofiresomeone.
“Mom,youknowI’mtryingtoberegimentedinhiringdecisions.”Itwasanemployeewho’dgottenmeintotroubleinthefirstplace.Mom,ofallpeople,shouldwanttomakesureweavoidedthatsituationagain.
“Iknowyouare,”shesaid,holdingupherhands.“Irespectthat.Butjust…domeafavor?Givehimapart-timejob.Ifitdoesn’tworkout,lethimgo.”
Shemadeitsoundsoeasy.ButIhatedfiringpeople.Itwastheworstoftheworstpartofmyjob.Hell,I’dhappilyscrubtoiletsandscourbathroomsfortherestofmylifeifitmeantIdidn’thavetofireanyone.
Hencethereasonwe’dgotteninvolvedinthatlawsuit.HencewhyI’dbeenmorecarefulabouthiring.
“Mom,Idon’tknow.”
“Please?”
Thelobbydooropened,coveringthesoundofmygroan.
Jasperstrodeinside,wearingasimpleblackT-shirtandhisfavoritepairoffadedjeans.Theyhadbuttonsontheflyinsteadofazipper,whichmadethemmyfavoritejeanstoobecausetheycameoffsoeasily.
“Hi,”Isaid.
“Hey.”HestoppedbesideMom,givingheranod.“Hi,Anne.”
“Hello,Jasper.”Shesmiledbutitdidn’treachhereyes.Instead,therewasawarinessinhergaze.Shewatchedhiseverybreathlikeshewaswaitingforhimtoturnaroundandwalkaway.
“AmIinterrupting?”heasked,hookingathumboverhisshoulder.“Icango.”
“No,you’refine,”Momsaid.“Iactuallyneedtogetgoing.ThinkaboutBlaze?”
Inodded.“Iwill.”
Sheturned,castingJasperonelastsuspiciousglancebeforeheadingtothedoors.
Wasthisreallywherewewere?Myownmotherwasavoidingthemaninmylife?Itwaswrong.Everycellinmybeingscreamedfixit
“Mom,”Icalledbeforeshecouldleave.
“Yeah?”Shestoppedbesidethedoor,lookingback.
“I’llhirehim.HaveLydiasendhimintomorrow.”Itwasamistaketoshortcutmyprocessandskiptheinterview.Butapparentlymistakeswerebecomingmyspecialty.
“Thanks,”Momsaidonasigh,thereliefonherfaceonlymakingtheknotinmystomachtighter.HadshealreadypromisedBlazeajob?Sheliftedahandtowave,thenpushedoutside.
Itwouldprobablybefine.Ifitwasn’t,thenI’ddeal.IfBlazedidabadjoborhadaproblemcleaningrooms,well…atleastMomcouldtellLydiathatwe’dgivenhimachance.
“Youokay?”Jasperasked.
“Longday.”Iforcedasmile.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Ineedtogoonatrip.”
Iblinked.“Atrip?When?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?”Whataboutfishtacos?Oralittleadvancenotice?Hadsomethingbadhappenedwithhisfamily?Didheneedmetogowithhim?“Iseverythingokay?”
“Yeah,I’vegotaninterviewinVegaswithanup-and-comingfighter.It’slastminute.”
“Oh.”Someonemightaswellhavekickedthechairoutfromunderneathmyass.“That’s…great.”
Thatwasgreat,right?ThiscouldbeanewchallengeforJasper.He’dneedthatnowthatFosterwasretired.
“Whattimeisyourflight?”Itwassupposedtocomeacrossassupportivebutitsoundedlikeawhine.
“I’mdriving.Idon’tneedtobethereuntilFriday,butIdon’twanttobotherwiththeairportinMissoula.”
Driving?ToLasVegas?“Icouldtakeyoutotheairporttomorrow.”Itwasonlytwohoursaway.NotthatIhadtwohourstospare,butI’dfindthetime.
“Nah.I’llhittheroad.Findahotelalongtheway.GettheretomorrowbeforemyinterviewFriday.”
“Oh.Um,allright.Whenareyoucomingback?”
IfJasperheardthedesperationanddisappointmentinmyvoice,hedidn’tletitshow.“Nextweeksometime.I’mnotsure.ImightstickaroundVegasforawhile.Checkinonmyhouse.Hittheoldgym.”
Inmyimagination,Iheardapieceofpapertearintwo.Rrrrrip.Therewentourmarriagecertificate.
ThiswasJaspersteppingback,wasn’tit?Planninghislife.LeavingMontana
Iwassupposedtohaveacouplemoreweeks.
Guessnot.
“Drivesafe.”Myvoicewobbled.
Jasperroundedthecorner,forcingmetoturnandfacehim.Thenheframedmyfacewithhishands,droppingachastekisstomymouth.“Thefridgeisfulloffood.Ievenmadeyoucookies.Whichmeansthere’snoreasonforyoutoturnontheoven.”
Igavehimasmallsmile.“Nooven.Gotit.”
Jasper’sbrowneyessearchedmine.SoIsearchedhisrightback,wishingIcouldhearwhateverthoughtswereinthatgorgeoushead.Wouldhemissme?
I’dmisshim.
Now.Later.
IwasafraidthatI’dmisshimfortherestofmylife.
“Willyoutextmeupdatesasyoudrive?”Iasked.“SoIwon’tworry?”
Henodded,kissingmyforehead.Thenhewasgone,walkingoutthedoor.
Tostartthenextphaseofhislife.
Itwastimetoplanmine.
TheEloiseInn.Thatwasthegoal.Icouldn’tletacouplemonthsofincrediblesexwithJaspersteermeoffthatpath.SoIwaiteduntilMateoreturnedwithhiscoffee,thenspentanhourwanderingthehallways,upanddowneachfloor,smilingtoguestspassingby.TakingmentalnotesofwhatI’dchangewhen—if—thehotelwasmine
BythetimeImadeithome,Iwasstarving.Jasperhadn’tliedaboutthefoodinthefridge.Itwasteemingwithstoragecontainers,eachlabeled.Isnaggedtheonemarkedfishtacos.Thetortillaswereonthecounter.Sowerethecookies.
Everythingwasset.
Formetoeatalone.
Formetostayalone.
Howlonghadheknownaboutthisinterview?Howlonghadheplannedthistrip?
“Lastminute,myass,”Imuttered.
Insteadoftakingthefoodtothetableandeatingmydinneralone,IbalanceditinonehandwhileIsnaggedmypursewiththeotherandmarchedoutside,climbinginmycaranddrivingbacktotown.
Lylawasdressedinsweatswhensheansweredthedoortoherhouse.Grayjoggersandamatchinghoodie.Shewasalsowearingthatfreakingfakesmile.“Hey.Whatareyoudoinghere?Everythingokay?”
“No,it’snotokay.Stopbeingsonice.Andhappy.It’sweird.”
“Mebeinghappyisweird?”
“YouknowwhatImean,Lyla.You’vebeenactingstrangesinceyoufoundoutaboutJasper.I’msorry.I’msosorry.Ihadnoideathatyoulikedhim.”
Thefa?adeslippedasshecrossedherarmsoverherchest.“It’sfine.”
“No,it’snot.You’reupset.”
“I’membarrassed,”shecorrected.“Itwasjust…embarrassing.”
Myheartpinched.“I’msorry.”
Lylastraightened,wavingitoff.“Youdidn’tknow.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”Itwasn’tlikeLylatokeephercrushesasecret,especiallyfromTaliaandme.UsuallyhalfofQuincyknewshelikedaguybeforetheyevenhadadate.
“Idon’tknow.”Sheliftedashoulder.“Butifyou’rehappywithJasper,thenI’mgladIdidn’t.”
BecausehadIknownshelikedhim,ournightbesidethefountaininVegaswouldhavebeenentirelydifferent.
Thatmadebothofusglad.OtherwiseIneverwouldhaveknownJasper.
“What’sthat?”Lylapointedtothecontainerandtortillasinmyhand.
“Dinner.Jasperhadtoleave,andIdon’twanttoeatalone.Howdoyoufeelaboutfishtacos?”
“Um,well,thatdepends.Didyoumakethem?”
Igiggled,feelingsomeofthetensioninmyframemeltaway.“No,Jasperdid.”
“Hemadesureyouhadfoodwhilehewasgone?Aww.”Lylapressedahandtoherheart.“That’ssweet.”
Itwassweet.Andannoying.Becausehehadn’ttoldmehewasleaving.
“Thisdinnercomesataprice,”Itoldher.
“Wine?”
“Andyourguestbedroom.CanIhaveasleepover?”CHAPTERFIFTEENELOISE
Blaze,youarekillingme.Ispuninaslowcircle,takinginthehotelroomhe’djustcleaned.
Orattemptedtoclean?AtwhatpointdidpeoplestopgivinganAforeffort?
Thebedwasrumpled,thepillowsaskewagainsttheheadboard.Thetowelsinthebathroomweren’tfoldedintoneatpiles,butrathertossedtogetherhaphazardly.Thetrashcanbesidethetelevisionhadn’tbeenemptiedandhe’dforgottentovacuum.
“Okay,Blaze.”Iturned,readytorattleoffthelistofeverythingheneededtofix.ExceptBlazewasn’tstandingbesidethecleaningcartwherehe’dbeenaminuteago.“Blaze?”
Nothing.
Igroaned,walkingtothedoorandcheckingthehallway.Empty.
“Seriously?”Imuttered.IfIwasn’tcorrectingthiskid,Iwaschasinghimaroundthedamnhotel.
AtleastthistimeIhadahunchwherehewashiding.
Ituckedthecleaningcartclosertothewallsoitwouldbeoutofthewayforpeoplewalkingby,thenheadedforthestairwell,joggingfromthesecondfloortothefirst.Asexpected,Blazewasatthereceptioncounter,talkingtoTaylor.
Fromthestrainedexpressiononherprettyface,shewassickofBlazetoo.
“Blaze,”Isnapped,drawinghisattention.
Behindhisthick,black-framedglasses,herolledhiseyes.Thiskiddidn’teventrytohidehisannoyance.IneededbothhandstocountthenumberofeyerollsandmutteredinsultsI’dearnedsinceFriday.
“Goupstairsandfixthatroom,”Isaid.“Makethebednice.Foldthetowelsinastack.Emptythegarbagecan.Andvacuum.”
“Ididvacuum,”heargued.
“Thenvacuumagain.”MaybeifIsenthimuptheretovacuumthreetimes,he’dmanagetogetthewholefloor.
“Fine,”hegrumbled,hisfootstepsheavyashepassedby.Blazewalkedwithhiseyesonthefloor,shouldersroundedin.Hisblackhair,severelyparteddownthemiddle,floppedintohisface,probablyhidinganothereyeroll.
Wedidn’thaveadresscodeforthehousekeepers.Itwasmoreimportanttomethattheywerecomfortableastheycleanedthantohavetheminauniform.Mostcleanedinjeans,teesandtennisshoes.NotoncehadIneededtoaskanemployeetowearsomethingdifferent.Notonce,inallmyyearsasmanager.
WhenBlazehadcomeinonFridaytocompletehisnew-hirepaperwork,he’darrivedinapairofjeansthathe’ddecoratedwithblackmarker.He’dwrittenlineafterlineofFuckYouMomonthosejeans,downhisthighsallthewaytohisankles.
PoorLydia.Ihopedshedidn’tdohislaundry.
He’dpairedthosepantswitharedhoodiethathadamiddlefingerdrawnontothefront.
I’dtoldhimthathewasrequiredtowearaplain,grayorwhiteshirtwithcleanjeans.Noprofanity.
Clearly,hewasn’thappythathismotherhadarrangedforhimtohavethisjob.MaybehewasdoingashittyjobbecausehehopedI’dfirehim.
Oh,itwastempting.
ButI’dpromisedmyselfI’dgivehimanhonesttwoweekends.
HewasworkingSaturdaysandSundaystostart.WhichmeantIwasworkingSaturdaysandSundays.
Insteadofspendingmyweekendatthecabinalone,I’dbeenhere,trainingBlaze.Yesterday,we’dworkedtogetherasI’dshownhimhowtocleanaroomandwhatwasexpected.Today,I’dlethimdothework,butforeveryroomhefinished,Ididaninspection.
Sofar,notasingleroomhadbeendonecorrectly.Thoughtheyweregettingbetter.Slightly.Maybehe’ddoadecentjobifthatmeantimpressingTaylor.
ExceptIwouldn’tputthatonher.
TaylorwouldbeasenioratQuincyHighinthefall.Shewasasreliableasshewasfriendly.Withherblondhairandsparklingbrowneyes,shewasarayofsunshine.She’dworkedatthehotelsincelastsummer.Duringtheschoolyear,sheonlyworkedweekendsbecausesheplayedvolleyballandbasketball.Butduringthesummer,shewasalwayswillingtodowhateverwasnecessary,frommanningthedesktohousekeeping,anythingtoaddtohercollegesavings.
“Sorry,Eloise,”shesaidoncethestairwelldoorslammedclosedbehindBlaze.“ItoldhimIwasworkingandcouldn’ttalkbuthejustwouldn’tleave.”
“Iknow.”Isighed.“It’snotyou.”
“He’s,um…different.”
Ifdifferentmeantcreepyandrude.“Doeshemakeyouuncomfortable?”
“Hehasn’treallydoneanything.Hejusttalksabouthisvideogamesalot.Theysoundviolentandthat’snotreallymything.”
“Ifhedoesmakeyouuncomfortable,textmeimmediately.”
Shenodded.“Iwill.”
“Okay.I’llgomonitorhisprogress.Again.”Withheavyshoulders,Iturnedandmarchedupstairs.
IttookBlazethethreetimesI’dexpectedforthevacuumingtobesufficient.HisshiftwasthelongestI’denduredinyears,andbythetimetheroomswerefinished,Iwantedtoscream.
Thiswasn’tgoingtowork,wasit?
Notonlywashisworkshoddy,hisattitudewasgratingonmynerves.Ifhewasn’tgrumblingunderhisbreathorrollinghiseyes,hewasmakingbold,insultingstatementsaboutQuincy.
Hefuckinghatedthisshitholeofatown.
Blaze’swords,notmine.
Partofmefeltbadforthekid.Newtown.Newhouse.Hismomhadshovedajobdownhisthroat.ThatsympathywastheonlyreasonIhadn’tfiredhimyet.
“That’sallfortoday,”ItoldBlaze,walkingwithhimtothestaffroom.
WhilehewenttothelockerI’dassignedhim,Ifilledacoffeemug.Itwasbitteraftersittingallday,butIsippeditanyway,needingthecaffeine.Sleepthisweekhadbeenlacking,mostlybecauseI’dspenteverynightsinceWednesdayatLyla’splace.
ItwastooquietattheA-frame.ThebedlookedtoolonelywithoutJasper.SoI’dpackedabagandraidedthefridge,extendingmysleepoveratmysister’shouse.
Lyla’sguestroomwascuteandthebedwascomfortable,butIjusthadn’tbeenabletosleep.IwokeupcoldandnomatterhowmanyblanketsIputonthebed,itwasn’tthesameassnugglingagainstJasper.
IyawnedasBlazeslammedhislockerdoorclosed.“SeeyounextSaturday.”
“Iguess,”hemuttered,walkingtothetimeclocktopunchhiscardwithathunk
“Haveagood—”
Blazewalkedoutoftheroominthemiddleofmysentence.
“Week.”Itwasmyturnforaneyeroll.ThenIstoodinthequiet,sippingmycoffee,staringatthetimeclock.
Itwasoldfashioned.Charming.Atleast,charmingupuntilthefirstandfifteenthofeverymonthwhenIhadtotallyeachemployee’shoursmanuallybeforesendingthedetailstoouraccountant.Replacingitwasonmylistoffutureupdates.Someday.
Whenmycupwasempty,Iwasheditinthesinkandputitaway,thenheadedtothefrontdesk.“I’mheadingout,Taylor.”
Sheonlyhadaboutanhourleftbeforeshe’dtakeofftoo.“Bye,Eloise.Haveagoodevening.”
Iwaved,usingmyhandtocoveranotheryawn,thenheadedforthealley.
Knox’struckwasparkedbesidemySubaru.Partofmecravedabowlofhishomemademac’n’cheeseandabigglassofwine,butinsteadofheadingtoKnucklestovisitmybrother,Iaimedmycartowardhome.
Theskywascoveredingrayclouds,andthescentofrainmarkedtheair,soIrolledmywindowsdown,breathinginthecrispsmellasIdrove.
Myovernightbagandapileofemptyfoodcontainerswereinthepassengerseat.AsmuchasIdidn’twanttobealoneintheA-frame,I’dtoldLylanottoexpectmetonight.Ineededtodolaundryandclean.Andmaybetonight,I’dworkupthecouragetoactuallycallJaspertofindoutabouthisinterview.Ornot
Phonecalls,orcommunicationingeneral,wasn’treallyourforte.Ifourin-personconversationswereone-sided,Icouldn’timaginewhataphonecallwouldbelike.
Tohiscredit,he’ddoneasI’dasked,textingmealongthewayforhistrip.ButthelasttextI’dgottenhadbeenThursdaywhenhe’dmadeittoVegas.
Checkingmyphoneformissednotificationshadbecomeasregularasyawning.
MyeyelidsdroopedbythetimeIreachedAldersonRoad.Cleaningandlaundrymighthavetowaitanotherday.Ahotshowerandanearlybedtimewerecalling.
ButmyexhaustionvanishedthemomentIturnedontothelanefortheA-frame.
Jasper’sYukonwasoutsidethehouse.
Myheartleapt.
Hewashome?Whenhadhegottenback?Whyhadn’thetextedme?
Iparkedandscrambledtogathermystuff.Thesuddenneedtoseehimmademyfingersfumblewithacoupleofthelids.Butaftersomejuggling,Ihadthemalltuckedcloseandmanagedtoopenthecar’sdoor,kickingitclosedwhileIhurriedinside.
“Jasper?”IcalledwhenIdidn’tseehimanywhere.Thecontainerswerealldroppedinthesinkwithachorusofclattering.Mybackpacklandedontheislandwithathud.“Jas?”
Thehousewasquiet.
SoImovedthroughthelivingroom,makingmywaytowardthedeck.Ifoundhim,sittingontheboards,hislegsstretchedinfrontofhimashebenttotouchhistoes.Hishairwaswet,likehe’djustshowered.
“Hi.”Myeyessweptoverhisbody,fromhiswethairtohiscleanT-shirttotheshortsandhistennisshoes.Somethinginmychestunlocked.ThebreathI’dbeenholdingsinceWednesday.“You’rehome.”
“Yeah.”Heglancedupatme,thenwentbacktostretching.
“Areyoustifffromthedrive?”Iasked.
Heshookhishead,eyeslockedonthetoesofhisshoes.“Ishoweredbutdidn’tstretchatthegymafterFosterandIfinishedup.”
Thegym?“Foster’sgym?”
“Yep.”
Iblinked,mysluggishbraintryingtosortthisout.He’dhadtimetogomeetFoster?Wait.“Whendidyougetback?”
“Lastnight.”
“Lastnight?”Myjawdropped.“Whydidn’tyoucallme?”
“Figuredyouwerebusy.”Jaspershifted,drawingonefoottotheinsideoftheoppositethigh.Thenhebentforwardagain,stretchingthoselong,strongmuscleswhileavoidinganythingthatresembledeyecontact.
Ihuffed.Wasthisreallyhappening?DidImeansolittletohimthathecouldn’tevencalltotellmehewasbackinQuincy?Justaminuteago,I’dbeensoexcitedtoseehim.Tohearhisvoice.Toburymynoseinhischestanddrawinhisspicyscent.
Buthe’dbeenhere.Alldaylong.Probablygladtohavethehousetohimselfforachange.
Myhandsballedintofists.“Iwasn’tbusy.”
“Well,youweren’there.”Accusation,anger,filledhisruggedvoice.
Washemadatme?Whatthehell?
“IwasatLyla’shousebecauseIdidn’twanttobeherealone.I’vebeenatLyla’ssinceyouleftmeonWednesday.Shelovedthefishtacos,bytheway.Butshesaidyourcookiesneedsomework.”
Jaspersatupstraight.
Beforehecouldsayanything,Ispunaroundandstormedinside,movingstraightforthebathroom.Imadesuretoslamthedoorashardaspossible,thenflippedthelockbecausehewasnotcominginhere.
“Lastnight.”MyentirebodyvibratedwithfuryasIstrippedoffmyjeansandTheEloiseInnT-shirt.Iballedupthelatter,throwingitwithalltheforceIcouldmusteragainstthetiledfloor.ThenIturnedontheshower,notwaitingforthewatertowarmupbeforeIsteppedunderthespray.
Themomenttheicywaterhitmyshoulders,tearsfloodedmyeyes.
He’dcomebacklastnight.
Nocall.Notext.AndthentobeupsetbecauseIhadn’tbeenwaitingwithbatedbreathforhisreturn?
“Howdareyou,JasperVale,”Iwhisperedasthefirstsobbrokethrough.
God,Ihadmissedhim.Ihadmissedhimsomuchitached.Wecouldhavebeentogetherlastnight.Wewererunningoutoftime,andhe’dwastedawholenightbeingmad.
Iwouldhavecomerunning.Allitwouldhavetakenwasaphonecall.
Hedidn’tevencareenoughaboutmeforatext.
Thetearsfellhotdownmycheeksasthecoldwaterstungtheskinonmyback.Whenitwarmed,Itiltedmyheadback,lettingthewatersoakmyhairandface
Thisisfake.Thisisfake.Thisisfake.
Overandoveragain,Ireplayedthosethreewords.Andwhenthetearshadstopped,whenmyhairandbodywereclean,Ishutoffthewaterandpluckedawhitetowelfromtheshelf.
NumbnessspreadthroughmyveinsasIbrushedoutmyhair,unabletoseemyfacebecausethemirrorwasfogged.
Thisisfake.
Thiswasalie.AndI’dmadethehorriblemistakeofbelievingitwasreal.
Theironywasstifling.TheonepersoninQuincywhoknewthetruthwastheonewho’dfallenforthelie.
AnotherwaveoftearsprickedmyeyesbutIblinkedthemaway,swallowingthelumpinmythroat.Withmyshoulderspinned,mychinheldhigh,andatowelwrappedaroundmybody,Iopenedthebathroomdoor.
Jasperstoodinthemiddleofthelivingroom,hisarmscrossedoverhisbroadchest,hislegsplantedwide.Hisgazewaslockedonthebathroomdoor,almostlikehe’dbeenstandinginthatexactspottheentiretimeI’dshowered.
Thetenfeetbetweenusmightaswellhavebeenachasmtotheearth’sverycore.
“Didyougetthejob?”Myvoicedidn’tevenwobble.Gome.
“Hemademeanoffer.”
“Youdidn’tacceptit?”
“Notyet.ButIprobablywill.”
Thenhe’dbegone.
Shit.Mynosestartedtosting.Moretearswerecoming,anddamnit,Ididn’twantJaspertoseemecry.Ilookedaround,searchingforaplacetohide.Exceptthisfuckingcabindidn’thaveenoughwallsordoors.
I’dhavetowalkpastJasperfortheofficeorthedeck.SinceIdoubtedhe’dletmelockhimoutofthebathroomagain,Imarchedtowardthekitchen,bypassingtheisland,andthistime,Islammedthefrontdoor.
WhileI’dbeenintheshower,thecloudshadburst.ItwasstilllightoutsideandtheovercastskymadethecolorsaroundtheA-framepop.Theevergreenlimbsandthegrassessweepingtheirbrowntrunkspracticallyglowedgreen.Raindrizzledinasteadystream,soakingthetrees.DirtandgravelandpineneedlespokedthesolesofmybarefeetasIsteppedofftheporchstairsandontotheforestfloor.
TherewasalittleclearinginthetreesoutsidetheA-frame.Itwasn’tverybigbutitwasenoughthatifyoucranedyourneck,youcouldseethestars.
Thestarsweren’toutyet.Therewerenotinysparklesintheskytogivemehope.ButItiltedmyheadtothegraycloudsregardless,lettingthewaterdropscoatmyface.
Thisisfake,Eloise.
Whywasitsohardtoalignaheadandaheart?
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Jasper’svoicewasadullmurmuragainstthethunderrumblinginthebackground.
Still,Iheardhim.Iignoredhim.
Untilonemoment,myfacewascatchingdroplets,thenext,therainhadstopped.Icrackedmyeyesopen,mylashesheavywithwater.AndIstaredupintoJasper’seyes.
Myheartpounded.Ourbreathsmingled.Idrownedinhisdarkgazeashishandscuppedmyjaw.Thenhismouthcrushedmine,histonguesweepinginsidewithagreedystroke.Thegroanthatrumbledinhischestechoedinmybones.
Ourlipsmovedfranticallyasweclungtoeachother,tonguesdueling.Helickedandsucked,devouringmewhole.Andforeverythinghepouredintothatsearingkiss,Isentitrightback.Thethundertohislightning.
Wewereastorm.
Twosoulslostinthepouringrain.
JasperkissedmeuntilIwasbreathless,myheartracing.Thenhebrokeaway,hiseyessearchingmineagain.
“Eloise.”
Justmyname.Somethinginsidemecracked.Iwassosickofpretending.Iwassotiredofcaringforthismanandnotknowingfuckallabouthim.
“Iwanttobeyourfriend.”Hisbestfriend.NotFoster.Me.“Iwantyoutotalktome.Ortry.”
ThetormentinJasper’sgazetwistedmyheart.HelookedlikeIwasaskingfortheworld.
MaybeIwas.
“Iwanttoknowyou,betterthananyoneelseknowsyou.”
Hishandscametomyface,hispalmspushingawaytherainandstrokingthroughmywethair.“Whatelsedoyouwant?”
Iwantthistobereal.
Butitwasn’t.
“Iwantyoutokissme.”
Hedidn’thesitate.Heslammedhismouthdownonmineagain,histongueslidingalongmylowerlip.
Imoaned,flutteringmytongueagainsthis,justlikehe’dtaughtme.Themoanthatcamefromhisthroat,myreward.
Jasperliftedmeofftheground,waitinguntilmyarmsencircledhisshoulders,beforehesweptmeinside.
Thenherippedawaymytowel.
Andusedittocleanthedirtfrommyfeet.CHAPTERSIXTEENJASPER
Eloise’stowellaypuddledonthekitchenfloorasshepaddedforthestairs,everyinchofhernaked,gloriousbodyondisplay.
Thatwomancarriedaninvisibleleash.
Whereshewent,Iwillinglyfollowed.
Fuckinghell,I’dmissedher.
SomuchIstoppedmoving,needingamomenttosoakherin.Thesmoothskin.Thoseslendercurves.Herchocolatehairandhersoftlips.ThemouthIlovedtokiss.
ShenoticedIwasn’tfollowingandglancedoverhershoulder.Thosedazzlingblueeyeswereasstormyastheweather.Frustration.Lust.Defeat.
Ourrealitywasinevitable.Ithungoverourheadslikethecurrentthunderstorm.
Eloisestretchedoutahand.
Itookit.
We’dignorethatrealityforanothernight.
Themomentwereachedtheloft,shelayonthebed,herwethairsplayingacrossthepillows.HergazestayedlockedonmeasIundressed,tossingmyclothesintoapilebesidemydiscardedshoes.
ThenIclimbedintothebed,settlingontopofher,andwithoutanyfoolingaround,Islidinsideherwetheat.Andforthefirsttimeindays,Icouldbreathe.
Shehummed,thatsoundofecstasymusictomyears.Herlegswrappedaroundme,holdingtightasIencircledherwithmyarms,buryingmyfaceinthecrookofhernecktodrawinthevanillaandspiceandearth.
Eloise.
She’druinedme.Somewherealongtheway,she’druinedmeforanyotherwoman.
Maybethatshouldhavebotheredme.
Wemovedintandem,likepracticedloverswho’dhadyears,notmonths,tolearneachother’sweaknesses.Oureyesstayedlocked,ourlimbsentwined.
Thiswasn’tfucking,nottonight.Itwastoointimatetobeconsideredfucking.ButIwouldn’tputtheotherlabelonit,notevenformyself.InsteadIdrownedinEloise,andwhensheshattered,Ifollowedherintotheoblivion.
Neitherofusshifteduntilourheartshadstoppedpounding,ourbreathsnolongerragged.ThenIrolledtomyback,takingherwithme,positioningheronmychest,knowingshe’dwanttostayclose.
Beyondthebalconydoor,thethunderboomed,followedsecondslaterbytheflashoflightning.Rainprattledonthetinroof.
Eloise’sfingertracedlazycirclesonmyskin,firstonmyshoulder,thendriftingtomypecbeforesheflickedmynippleandhertouchtrailedupmythroat.
Itwasn’tforeplay.Thiswasjusther.Shetouched,constantly.Aimlessly.
I’dmissedthistouch,somuchsothatI’dchangedmyplansinVegas,crammingwhatI’dplannedtodoindaysintohours.Aftermyinterview,I’dstoppedbymyoldgymtoseeafewfriends.ThenI’dgonetomyhouse,packingthefewthingsI’dbroughtalongsothatyesterdaymorning,whenIwokeatdawntohittheroad,mystuffwouldbeready.
PullingintotheA-framelastnight,findingEloise’scarmissingandadarkhouse,hadbeenapunchtotheface.
Fifteenhoursontheroad,andI’dbeensodesperatetoseeher.Toclimbinbedbesideherandfinallygetsomesleep.Apparently,I’dgottenusedtothecuddling.Withouther,Ihadn’tbeenabletosleep.
Lastnighthadbeenrestlesstoo.I’dstayedawakemostofthenight,waitingforhertogethome,wonderingifshewasworkingatthehotel.Worryingthatsomethinghadhappenedtoher.
I’dfinallyhadenoughoftheworrythatI’dgottenup,putonsomesweatsanddrivenintotown.Butshehadn’tbeenatthehotel’sfrontdesk.Throughthegleamingwindows,I’dspottedthenightclerkreadingabook.
Rationally,I’dknownshewasprobablywithherfamily.Maybeattheranchwithherparents.Butthathadn’tstoppedmefromdrivingbythetwobarsonMain,searchingouthercar.I’dswungbyWillie’stoobeforefinallyreturninghome.
ThenI’dwaited.Andwaited.Andfuckingwaited.
Allgoddamndaytoseemywife.
Yeah,Ishouldhavetextedher.Orcalled.Exceptthatwouldhavebeentooreal.Toorevealing.
SoI’dgottenpissed.NotevenafewhourswithFosteratthegymhadhelpedmerelax.
Thenshe’dcomehomeandwell…I’dmissedher.
Iwasn’tsupposedtomissher.
Fuck,butIwastired.Tiredofholdingupmyhand,keepingheratadistance.Tiredofpretendingthatsexbetweenuswasouronlyconnection.
“El.”
“Jas.”Sheproppedherchinonthehandovermychestwhiletheotherkeptdrawingthosecircles.Acrossmyjaw,thenovermycheekbonetomyeyes.Sheskimmedmylashes,thenflittedoverthelineofmynosebeforetracingmylips.
Thedefeatandfrustrationweregonefromhergaze.Anotherflashoflightningbrightenedtheroom,makingthoseblueirisesflare.
She’daskedmetotalktoher.Totry
Ilovedthatsheknewitwasn’teasyforme.Andforthat,I’dtry.
“Myex-wife.HernameisSamantha.”Thiswaseitherthebestorworstplacetostartexplainingthedisasterthatwasmyfamilyandfirstmarriage.“Myparentsareclosefriendswithhers,soI’veknownhersincewewerekids.AndIlovedherformostofthattimetoo.”
Eloisestiffened.Thetracingstopped.
SoIclaspedherhand,drawingthecirclesforheruntilshetookoveragain.
“IgrewupinPotomac,Maryland.Mymotherisinpolitics.She’sanadvisortosomepowerfulofficials.Andsheworksoncampaigns.Duringelectionyears,Momwaspracticallyaghost.Theoneyearwhenthesenatorshewasadvisinglost,well…let’sjustsayshestayedinherwingofthehouse,andIstayedinmine.”
“Yourwing?”Eloise’seyeswidened.
“Myfatherisinpoliticalfundraising,buthecomesfrommoney.”Extrememoney.Thatmoneyhadpaidfortheirlives,thoughbothhadwell-payingjobs.“Becausemoneywasnevertheissue,theyworkbecausetheylovetowork.”Andthenotoriety.Theycravedthespotlight.
“Thatdoesn’tsoundlikesuchabadthing.”
“Unlessyou’retheirson.Andyouwerebornoutofobligation,notlove.”
Thetracingstoppedagain,butthistime,Ididn’tmakeherstartagain.“Whatdoyoumean,obligation?”
Ishrugged.“Rich,powerfulfamilieshaveheirs.Heavenforbidalltheirmoneygotosomeonewhomightactuallyneedit.”
Instead,theirfortuneswerespentonpropertiesacrosstheglobe.Onhomeslikemychildhoodmansion,whichwasthirtytimesthesizeofwhatthreepeoplemightneed.Ihadn’tbeenbacktoPotomacinyears.Ifthatred-brickmonstrositywithitssprawlinggreenlawnsandsweepinggardenseverbecamemine,I’dgladlysellitanddonatetheproceedstocharity.
“It’snotthatmyparentswerecruel,”ItoldEloise.“Ican’trememberatimewhenIwasreprimandedbymymotherorfather.Theydidn’tabuseme.Theydidn’tresentme.Theywerejust…disinterested.”Whollyandutterlydisinterested.
“Howcouldtheybedisinterested?You’retheirchild.”
“Theyjustwere.”Iunderstoodtheconfusiononherface.ForawomanlikeEloise,whohadafamilylikehers,itwashardforhertocomprehend.“Youknowhowatthatdinnerattheranch,therewasbarelyasecondofspaceintheconversation?”
“Yeah.”
“Imaginetheexactopposite.Thatwasmychildhood.”
Shefrowned.“Oh.”
“MomandDadarebotheloquentpeople.Putthematagalaorinfrontofajournalist,you’llseetwowell-spokenpeoplewhowillcharmanyoneinminutes.Youwouldn’tthinkthatifyouputthematatablewiththeironlyson,thatwouldbedifferent.Butit’sliketheyhaveonandoffswitches.”
“Andforyou,it’soff.”
“Yeah.”Thepaininherface,thesympathy,mademyheartache.“Don’tbesad,angel.Ihadeveryluxuryintheworldasakid.”Nanniestodoteonme.TutorstoensureIwasatthetopofmyclass.ChefstomakemewhateverfoodIdesired.
“Luxuryisnotareplacementforlove,Jasper.”
“No,itisn’t.”Moneywasn’taffection.“ButuntilSamanthamovedtoMaryland,Ididn’tknowanybetter.”
Eloiseshifted,likehearingSamantha’snamemadeheruncomfortable.Iheldhertome,needingtofeelherskinagainstmyownaftertoomanydaysaway.
“Samantha’sfatherisalsoinpolitics,”Isaid.“TheymovedfromNewYorkCitytoPotomacwhenIwasten.DadandJohnmetthroughworkandbecamefriends.MomandAshleyhititofftoo,andfromthenonout,iftherewasanactivityorfunction,ourfamiliesdidittogether.Ipreferreditthatway.WhenJohnandAshleywerearound,myparentswereflippedon.AndIhadSamantha.Shewasmyfirsteverything.Crush.Kiss.Welostourvirginitytoeachotheratfourteen.”
Eloisedroppedhergaze,staringblanklyovermyshouldertothepillow.
“What?”Iasked.
“Just…jealous.”
Fuck,butIlovedthatshecouldlayitoutthere.Thatshedidn’thideitfromme.
Ifourpositionswerereversed,Iwasn’tsureIcouldhearaboutherpastlovers.Hell,thedayattheranchwhenshe’dtoldmeabouttheguysshe’dbroughthomehadbeenhardenough.
“Areherparentslikeyours?”sheasked.“Disinterested?”
“Yesandno,”Isaid.“Ashleyisasurgeonandconstantlyatthehospital.Johnworksevenmorethanmydad.Idon’tdoubtthattheyloveSam.Butshewasalwayssecondpriority.Wehadthatincommon.Wegavetheattentionweeachcravedtooneanother.”
We’dfilledthatvoid.Themomentourfamilieswouldgettogether,SamandIwoulddisappear,notaparentconcernedwithwhatweweredoing.Evenasteens,eitherourparentshadn’tknownortheyhadn’tcaredwhenwe’dvanishtoaclosedbedroomandfuckforhours.
SamwasthefirstpersonI’deverloved.ThefirstandonlypersonwhoeverheardmesayIloveyou.I’dgiventhatwomanallI’dhad.Anditstillhadn’tbeenenough.
“WewenttothesameprivatehighschoolinMaryland,”Isaid.
SamandIhadspentourteenageyearsasbored,richkids.Withbored,richkids.Threeofmyclassmateshadgraduatedwithsubstanceabuseproblems.Thereweren’tmanydrugsSamandIhadn’tsampled.Drinkinghadbeenacasualpastimeupuntilmysenioryear,whenI’dhadsomeonepullmyheadoutofmyass.
“SamwantedtogotoCornellbecausethat’swhereherparentsmet.IwantedGeorgetown.MostlybecauseIwantedtostayinDC.”
“Why?”Eloiseasked.“Youdidn’twanttogetawayfromyourparents?”
“Idid.Butmysenioryearinhighschool,Istartedtakingkarateatalocaldojo.ItwaslikeI’dfoundapassion,youknow?Itwastherightplaceforme.Igotattachedtomysenseiandwantedtoearnmyblackbelt.MovingtoNewYorkmeantadifferentteacher,andIwasn’tabouttochange,startover.SoSamleft,andIstayed.”
“Didyougetyourblackbelt?”
“Yeah.MysophomoreyearatGeorgetown.Igotmyseconddegreeabouttwoyearsafterthat.Rightbeforemysenseipassedaway.Cancer.”
“I’msorry.”Eloisepressedakisstomyheart.
“Metoo.”Ithreadedmyfingersthroughherhair,mostofthestrandsnearlydrynow.“HisnamewasDan.Hechangedmylife.”
He’dtakenme—anarrogant,spoiledbrat—underhiswing.He’dtaughtmehumility.Discipline.Grace.Respect.He’dbeenthefatherI’dneverhad.
“Hewasawidower.Nokids.Sowhenhewasgoingthroughchemo,Iwentwithhimalot.Satwithhimatthehospitalwhiletheypumpedhimfullofdrugs.”Towardtheend,thedoctorshadbeenhonestwithusboth.Ithadbeenterminal.Buthe’dgonetotreatmentanyway,nevergivinguphopeforamiracle.
ImissedDaneverysingleday.WouldhebeproudofthemanI’dbecome?IwishedhewereheresoIcouldaskhimmyself.IwishedhecouldmeetEloisebecausehe’dadoreher.Andhe’dkickmyassforgettingmyselftangledinafakemarriage.He’dcallmeaturd.
Imissedbeingcalledaturd.
“Onedayatthehospital,towardtheend,Iaskedhimwhyhepickedme,”Isaid.“Whyhegavemesomuchtimeandenergy.Whatwassospecialaboutme.Whyhetreatedmedifferentlythanhisotherstudents.”
“Whatdidhesay?”
“Hedidn’tanswer.”Thelumpinmythroatbegantochokeme.“HesaidthatifIcouldn’tlookinthemirrorandknowtheanswertothatquestion,hehadn’tdoneagoodenoughjob.Brokemyfuckingheart.SoIwenthomethatnightandstaredatthemirrorforanhour.Stillnotsurewhathesaw.”
“Jasper.”Eloise’schinbegantoquiver.
“Don’tcry,angel.”
Shesniffled,hereyesflooding.“IcancryifIwant.”
“Don’tcryforme.Please.”Itonlymadethisharder.
“Okay,”shewhispered,blinkingawaythetears.
ThiswasthemostI’dspokenofmypastin,well…ever.NotevenFosterknewthismuchaboutmyfamily.ButEloisehadsaidshewantedtoknowmebetterthananyone.Therewasn’tmuchIcouldgiveher,butIcouldgiveherthis.AndbeforewewenttoSam’swedding,shedeservedthetruth.
“DandiedaweekafterIgraduatedfromGeorgetown,”Isaid.“Iwasawreck.”
Myexamshadbeenfinished,thankfully.Iwouldn’thavebeenabletoconcentrateonatest.ButI’dbeentotallylostwithouthim.He’dbecomethisanchor.Thisvoiceofreason.Andsuddenly,Iwasadrift,leftalonewithonlythevoicesinmyhead.
AndSam’s.
“SamandIstayedtogetherthroughcollege.Didthelong-distancething.Saweachotherwhenwecould,butwewerebothbusy.IfIwasn’tatschool,Iwasatthedojo.WhenDanpulledback,afterhegotsick,Isteppeduptohelpteach.AndI’dwantedtobroadenmymartialartsskills,soI’dstarteddoingsomeMuayThaitoo.”
There’dbeentoomanyemotionsstirringatthetime.Withschool.WithDan.TheonlywayI’dknownhowtodealwiththemwasbyshovingthemaside.AndithadalwaysbeeneasiertoshutdownemotionallyifIwaschanneledwhollyintosomethingphysical.
Inhighschool,whenmyparentshadoverlookedme,I’dignoredthatpainand,instead,gottenlostinsexwithSam.ThenI’dstartedatthedojo,andmartialartstraininghadbecomemyjoyinthosedays.
“Samwasinasorority,”Isaid.“Theyalwayshadfunctions,plusshehadschooldemands.We’dtalkeveryday,butitwasshallow.Wewerebothchanging.Movingindifferentdirections.NotthatIrealizeditatthetime.”
Hindsightwasabitch.
Theredflagshadbeenendless,butI’doverlookedeachandeveryone.
“DidsheknowDan?”Eloiseasked.
“Alittle.”Andthoughhe’dneveradmittedit,hehadn’tlikedher.Lookingback,Icouldseethatnowtoo.Maybeifhe’dtoldme,Iwouldn’thavemarriedher.
“ShewastherewhenIgotthecallthathe’ddied.She’dgraduatedtooandhadmovedbacktolivewithme.Wegotthroughthefuneral,andsheknewIwasfallingapart.Shedidn’tleavemyside,juststayedclosebecauseIneededherclose.Ithinkitscaredher,seeingmefallapart.Sosheplannedatriptogetmymindoffit.”
“Towhere?”Eloiseasked.
Iswallowedhard,knowingwhatwascomingwouldhurther.Butitwastruthtime.“Vegas.”
Shesatup,herbodystilldrapedacrossminebutherchinlifted,hershouldersstiffening.
Yep.Thiswasgoingtofuckingsuck.
“Itwasjustsupposedtobeforfun.Achanceformetoclearmyhead.Wewentoutthatfirstnight.Partiedataclub.Anhourlater,wewereatachapeltogetmarried.”
IthadbeenSam’sidea.IfDanhadn’tdied,wouldIhavetakenheruponit?I’daskedmyselfthatcountlesstimes.Butthatnight,I’djustwantedtofeel…loved.
“YougotmarriedinVegas,”Eloisesaid.
Inodded.
“Whichchapel?”
Fuck.“TheCloverChapel.”
“Ourchapel.”Eloisesatup,clutchingthesheettoherchest.Horror,betrayal,waswrittenacrossherexpression.“That’showyouknewwhereitwas.”
“Itwasanassholemove,takingyouthere.I’msorry.Butwhenyouweretalkingaboutthatuglyhorsedrawing,howyoucovereditupwithsomethingbeautiful,Iwantedthat.Iwantedanewpicture.IwantedtoeraseSam’sugly.AndyouwerethemostbeautifulwomanI’deverseen.”
Herjawflexed,hernostrilsflaringliketheynormallydidwhenshewaspissed.Likeshe’ddonedownstairsbeforemarchingoutintothestorm.“You’dseenmebeforethatnight.”
“Yeah.”Ishifted,sittingupsoIcouldlockmygazewithhers.“Don’ttakethisthewrongway.”
“WhichguaranteesIwon’tlikewhatyou’reabouttosay.”Sherolledhereyes.“Thisoughttobegreat.”
Damn,butIlovedthateyeroll.Thatsass.
“Ididn’tseeyoubeforethatnight.”Ileanedin,droppingmyforeheadtohers.“IwasfocusedonFoster.Onhisfight.OnshiftingmylifetoMontana,eventemporarily.Iwasn’tinaframeofmindtoseeanyone.”
Eloisesighed,andwiththatexhale,someofherirritationseemedtofade.
“Ishouldhavetoldyousooner.”
“Yup.Likewhenwewerestandingat.The.Altar.”Shepokedmychest,accentuatingeveryword.“Thatwouldhavebeenagreattimetomentionyou’dbeentherebefore.”
“I’msorry.”Icapturedherhand,squeezingsoshecouldn’tfoldinthatpokingfinger.ThenIbroughtittomylipsforakiss.“I’msorry,Eloise.”
Anothersigh.Andfromthesoftnessinherprettyblueeyes,Iwasforgiven.“Whathappenedthen?”
Ileanedback,droppingmygazetothebed,stillkeepingherhandinmine.“SamandIwenthome.Ourparentswerepissed,tosaytheleast.Notthattheyhadn’texpectedustogetmarried,they’djustmissedtheopportunitytohostapartyfortheirfriends.Toshowofftheirperfectmatch.”
“Whatdoyoumean,theirperfectmatch?”
“Theytookcreditforusbeingtogether.Likeitwassomethingthey’dplannedfromthebeginning.”I’dalwaysthoughtthatwasridiculous.Howmyparentscouldgivesolittleofashitaboutmebut,whenitcametomymarriagetoSam,besoangrytobeexcluded.
“ThingswithSamanthawere…okay.”ThechangesI’dignoredhadstartedtocometolight.ButI’djustkeptonignoringthem.“Ididmything.Shedidhers.She’dgottenajob,butIstillwasn’tsurewhatIwantedtodo,soIkeptworkingatthedojoandstartedtrainingontheside.That’showIgotintoit.SpentfouryearsatGeorgetownandhaven’tonceusedmydegree.”
“Whatdidyougetyourdegreein?”
“Communications.”
“Communications?You’rekidding.”Eloisesnorted.“ThisisthemostI’veeverheardyouspeak.Ever.IthinkyouneedtocallGeorgetownandaskforarefund.OrmaybeGeorgetowniswhereyoulearnedhowtocommunicatewithgruntsandnods?Becauseifthat’sthecase,thendon’tworry,babe.Youuseyourdegreeeverysingleday.”
Ilaughed.Loud.Itippedmyheadtotheceilingandletitroar.Iletitfree.IlaughedlikeIhadn’tdoneinyears,untilallthatwasleftwasasmile.
EloisehadasmuggrinonherfacewhenIfacedher.Sheknewshe’dearnedthatlaugh.Sheknew,withoutneedingtoask,thatitwasrare.
“Anyway…”Ipinchedherrib,makinghersquealandswatatmyhand.“Aboutsixmonthslater,IcamehomefromthegymtofindSamhadinvitedacoupleover.Theywerepeopleshe’dmetthroughamutualfriend.”
AfriendI’ddespised.Anotherredflagignored.
“Ithoughtshe’dplannedadoubledate.SoItookaquickshower.Joinedthemtoeat.Theywerenice.Itwasjustanormaldinner.UntilSampulledmeasidelaterandaskedifIlikedthewoman.”
“Wait.What?”Eloisesatramrodstraight.“Whywouldsheaskyouthat?”
“BecauseshewantedtofuckthemanandhopedI’dfuckthewifeintheguestbedroom.That’sthenightsheinformedmeweweregoingtohaveanopenmarriage.”CHAPTERSEVENTEENELOISE
“You’rekidding.”
Jaspershookhishead.“Nope.”
“Youhavetobekidding.”
Heshookhisheadagain.
Myjawhitthesheets.
Oh,howIhatedhisex-wife.IhatedherforthetensionthatcreptintoJasper’sbodywhenhementionedhername.Forthewayhisvoicechangedwhenhespokeabouther.Itwasrougher,harder,likeshewasthisinfectedwoundoozingpuss,andjustthethoughtofhercausedhimpain.Butmostly,myhatewasdrivenfromenvy.
Ihatedthathe’dlovedherforsolong.Ihatedthatshe’dgottenhisfirsts,marriageincluded.Ihatedthatshe’dbeenwithhimattheCloverChapel.
Thenightwe’dgottenmarriedwasn’texactlyspecial.Icouldn’trememberthewordstheofficianthadspoken.Ihadn’twornastunninggown.Wehadn’texchangedvowssurroundedbyfriendsandfamily.
Still,sinceVegas,I’dconsideredthatmine.Ours.Eventhoughthismarriagewasfake,I’dneverforgetthatbeautifulchapel.
Nowtherewasanastystainsplashedacrossthedoors.Thestain’snamewasSamantha.
Shewasanuglyhorse.
MaybeIshouldhavebeenmoreoffendedthathe’dtakenmethere.Butthemomenthe’dexplainedwhy,thatheneededagoodmemorytooutshinethebad,well…IwashonoredthatJasperconsideredmethatgood.ThatIwasthebeautyhe’dneeded.
ButIstillhatedhisex.
I’dheardofopenmarriagesthroughcelebritygossipragsandrandomsocialmediavideos.Buttheconceptwasn’tforme.Theideaofmyhusbandfuckinganotherwoman?No.Hardno.Iwastooselfishandtooterritorialtoshare.
“SowasSamcheating?”Iasked.
“Shedidn’tconsideritcheatingbecauseitwassimplyphysical.Shelovedme.Shewascommittedtome.”
Iscoffed.“Thenherdefinitionofcommitmentisdifferentthanmine.”
Jasperdroppedhisgazetothesheetbetweenusandsomethingaboutthestiffnessinhisframemademypulserocket.Likehewasdreadingwhathewasabouttotellme.
Oh,hell.Hadhegonealongwithit?Washeokaywithanopenmarriage?
“Whatdidyoudo?”Iasked,notsureIwantedtoknowtheanswer.
Jasperlookedupandtheagonyinhisgazecrackedmyheart.“Itookthewomantotheguestbedroom.Idon’tknowwhy.Shock,maybe.Revenge.IwasfuriousandthoughtmaybeifIfuckedanotherwoman,Samwouldgetjealous.”
No.Mystomachdropped.
“Thewomanstartedtouchingme,”hesaid.“Shetookoffherclothes.Climbedonthebed.AndIjuststoodbythedoor,staringather,wonderingwhenthehellmylifehadturnedtosuchshit.SoIlefthernakedintheguestbedroomandwenttomine.FoundSamandthatguyinthethroes.Samwasontop,ridinghimlikeitwasherjob.”
Icringed,afreshwaveofloathingforhisex-wifecoursingthroughmyveins
“Shedidn’tevenstopwhenIwalkedintotheroom.”Hehuffed,shakinghishead.Iwasn’ttheonlyonedisgusted.“Shejustwatchedme,likeitwasaturn-ontohaveherhusbandseeherfuckanothermanonourbed.SoIwalkedtothecloset,packedabag.”
“Youleft?”
“Yeah.Idrovetoabar.Gotsloppydrunk.Sleptitoffinmycar.”
Oh,Jasper.Iwasn’tevensurewhattosay.
“Iwon’tshare,Eloise.”Jasperlockedhiseyeswithmine.“Iwon’t.”
Iliftedmyhandtocuphisstubbledcheek.“Idon’tshareeither.Ifanotherwomantouchesyou,I’llcutoffherfingersandfeedthemtomydad’sdogs.”
Thatdeclarationcameoutsosuddenly,Ifroze.Therewasnowayhe’dmisshowmuchthathadsoundedlikeaclaim.Acommitmentlongerthantwotothreemoreweeks.
ButJasperonlychuckled,thatlow,gravellyrumble.Itwassecondplacetothatfree,boisterouslaughI’dcoaxedoutofhimearlier.MaybeifIwaslucky,I’dhearthatlaughagainbeforehewalkedoutofmylife.
“Whathappenedafterthebar?”Iasked.
“Wenthomethenextmorning.Foundthehousewasclean.Smelledlikelaundrysoap.Samhadwashedthebedding.Andshejustpretendedlikenothinghadhappened.”
Iblinked.“Seriously?”
Jaspernodded.
“Whatdidyoudo?”
“Toldhertogetthefuckoutofmyhouse.Andthatshe’dbehearingfrommyattorney.”
Prideswelledinmychest.Goodriddance.
“Itgotmessyafterthat,”hesaid.“Samdidn’twantadivorce.Shekepttryingtoconvincemethisopenmarriagewouldbegoodforus.Achancetoexploreourbasedesiresbutstaytogether.”
“Ofcourseshedid.”Irolledmyeyes.Bitch
“Thatotherwoman?Shelied.ShetoldSamandherhusbandthatIfuckedher.”
“No,”Igasped.
“Sambelievedher.Stillthinksithappened.Shelikestoholdthatovermyhead.”
BecauseSamwasaspoiled,manipulativetwat.NowonderJasperrarelyspokeabouthispast.Betweenhisparentsandhisex,Iwouldn’ttalkaboutthemeither.Assholes.
“Samwouldn’tactuallyleavethehouse,”hesaid.“Eventhoughitwasmine.SoIendedupbeingtheonetomove.Ipackedupwhatwasimportant,itwaslessthanI’dexpectedittobe,andlefttherestbehind.Iputthehouseonthemarketwithouttellingher.ShecamehomefromworkonedaytofindaForSalesigninfront.”
“Youhaveavindictiveside.”Igiggled.“Ilikeit.”
“SodoI.”Hiseyescrinkled,thatghostofasmile.Itdimmedtoosoon.“Samisratherspitefulherself.”
“Uh-oh.Whatdidshedo?”
“Threwatantrum.Toldherparentsandmyparentsthatweweregoingthrougharoughpatch,andthatIrefusedtoworkonourmarriage.”
“Didtheyknowshewascheating?”Itwascheating.IfJasperhadn’twantedanopenmarriage,theneverythingshe’ddonewascheating.
Heblewoutalongbreath.“Icouldhavetoldthem,Ijust…didn’t.”
“Why?”Thiswomanhadusedhim,betrayedhim,buthehadn’tputtheblameonher.Why?Theanswercametomebeforehecouldsayit.“Becauseyoulovedher.”
“Somethinglikethat.”
Goddamnthatstung,knowingawomanwhohadn’tdeservedhimwastheonewho’dearnedhislove.
Didhestillloveher?Myheartcouldn’ttakethatanswer,soIdidn’taskthequestion.“Obviously,yougotthedivorce.”
“Ittooksixmonths,”hesaid.“Ididn’twanttobeanywherenearher,andwithDangone,itwaseasiertowalkaway.AfriendofafriendhadjustmovedtoVegas.HadmetsomeUFCfighters.Heknewofsomegymslookingfortrainersandinstructors.Itseemedlikeahellofagoodideatomoveacrossthecountry.SoIdidandletmylawyerdealwithSam.”
“Whataboutyourparents?”Iasked.
Heshrugged.“Theyreactedasexpected.Meaningtheydidn’treallygiveaflyingfuckthattheirsonwasgoingthroughhell.”
Mynostrilsflared.“Tellmewhywe’regoingtothiswedding.”
Atthispoint,I’drathershovebambooshootsupmyfingernailsthanmeetSamanthaorhisparents.
Jasper’sgazedroppedtothesheetandhepluckedatthecotton.“Foralong,longtime,IwasSamantha’s.She’saverypossessiveperson.”
“Yetshewasokaywithyouscrewingotherwomen?Howdoesthatmakesense?”
“Hergame.Herrules.”
“Thatstilldoesn’tmakeanysensebutwhatever.”I’dalreadyexpendedmoreenergytowardthatwomanthanshedeservedforbreakinghisheart.Iwasn’tgoingtoattempttounderstandhermotivations.
“Samhasrarelyhadpeopletellherno.Notherparents.Notevenme.She’s…stubborn.She’llpushandpushandpushuntilshegetsherway.Ilearnedalongtimeago,itwasjusteasiertoletherhaveitthanfight.”
Wasthatpartofwhyhe’dtakenthatwomanintotheirguestbedroom?Probably.Ishuddered,usingeveryounceofmentalstrengthtoshovetheimagesofJasperwithanyotherwomanoutofmyhead.Samincluded.
“WhenIwalkedawayfromher,shelost.Thebattleisover.Butshe’sstillfighting.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“SamandIstilltalk.”Heswallowedhard.“Shecallsme.”
“Andyouanswer?Eventhoughshe’sgettingremarried.Eventhoughyou’redivorced.Why?”
“It’s,um,toxic.”
Noshit.“Whatexactlydoyoumean,toxic?”
Itwasprobablyfoolishformetoask.Thiswasprobablyopeningthedoorforhimtotellmehewouldalwaysbeinlovewithher.Butiftheyspoke,ifIwasgoingtothiswedding,Ihadtoknow.
“SamwouldcallandaskaboutthewomenIwasfucking.AndI’dtellher.I’dtellhereverydetail,myownrevenge.She’daskmeifIpicturedherfacewhileIwasinsideanotherwoman.”
Igasped.“That’s—”
“Fuckedup.It’sfuckedup.”
“Wait.Didyoutellheraboutus?”OhGod.Ifhe’dtoldher,I’dneverrecoverfromthehumiliation.
Jaspermetmygaze,andmychestcracked.
“Youdid,”Iwhispered.
Henodded.
“Howdareyou,JasperVale.”Isweptuptheonlyweaponwithinreach.Apillow.Andslammeditintohishead.
“I’msorry.”
Ihithimwiththepillowagain.Hedidn’teventrytoblockit.“Whatdidyoutellher?”
“ThatyouwerethebestI’veeverhad.”
Myteethclenched.Myhandsgrippedthesheets.“Whatelse?”
“That’sit.”
Ihithimwiththepillowagain.“Youhadnoright.That’sprivate,Jasper.”
“Iknow,angel.Iknow.”Heleanedin,hishandscomingtoframemyfaceashiseyessearchedmine.“I’msorry.”
“Didyoumeanit?”Thatseemedlikesuchasillyquestioninthefaceofabetrayal.ButIneededtoknow.
“Withoutquestion.”
Well,atleastthatwassomething.“Anddoyouseeher?Whenyou’rewithme?”Pleasesayno.
“No,El.Iseeyou.I’veonlyeverseenyou.”
Sowhydidn’tthatmakemefeelbetter?
“Whydoyouanswerhercalls?”
Hegavemeasadsmile.“Foralong,longtime,shewasallIhad.”
Understandingdawned.WhileIhadmyparents,sisters,andbrotherstoleanon,JasperhadonlyhadSamantha.She’dbeenhisperson.Andheansweredhercallsbecausehewasn’treadytoletthatgo.
“Samtriestokeepmeconnectedtoouroldlife,”hesaid,lettingmego.“She’llbringupoldmemories,stories.Mostlyofustogether.Thetripswetook.Themovieswewatchedorinsidejokesweshared.Butshe’llremindmeofthestupidshitIdidinschooltoo.ThedaysbeforeIfoundDan’sdojo.”
“Likewhat?”
“Drinking.Somedrugs.”
“Oh.”
“I’mnotproud.Butithappened.”
“Igetit.”TherewereplentyofkidsinQuincywhodrank.Somewhoexperimentedwithdrugs.Small-townpartieswereariteofpassage.“Whatelsedoesshedo?”
“She’llhavelunchwithmymother,thencallandgivemesomebullshitstoryabouthowMomwishesI’dcall.ThatI’dgohometovisit.Shetriestomakemefeelguiltyfordisconnectingwiththem.”
“Youdon’ttalktoyourparents?”
“Iusedto.Istopped.”
“Why?”
“Phonegoesbothways,angel.”
Yes,itdid.Andiftheydidn’tcareenoughtoreachout,itwastheirloss.
“Samknowsmewell,”hesaid.“DespitehowmuchIstrugglewithmyparents,I’mstilltheirkid.StillneverstoppedhopingI’dgettheonswitch.”
Myheartsqueezed.Okay,IhatedhisparentsmorethanSam.Maybe.Itwasatoss-up.
Jasperdeservedtheonswitch.Wasthatwhyhewassohesitantwithmyfamily?Becausehedidn’tevenknowwhatlovingparentslookedlike?FuckSamforplayingonhisvulnerability.
“Soshecallsto,what?Guiltyouintocomingback?”
“Basically.Ihaven’tseenherormyparentssincethedivorce.”
Whoa.Thatwasalongtime.
“Foryears,Ithinkshethoughtifshecouldjustgetmetocomehome,I’dtakeherback.Sam,herparents,mine…theyallthinkIwentthroughsomesortofmentalbreakandthat’swhyImovedtoVegas.ButwhatnoneofthemhavetriedtounderstandisthatIhaveabetterlife.ThatI’mcontentasatrainer.ThatIdon’tneedorwantaspotlight.Thattheirmoneycouldsinktothebottomoftheocean,andIwouldn’tgiveadamn.”
Theydidn’tseethegoodinhim.Theydidn’tseewhatmadehimspecial.
ButIdid.
“I’mstillmadatyoufortellingheraboutoursexlife.”
“I’mmadatmetoo.”Hetookmyhand,liftingittohismouthtokissmyfingertips.“Forgiveme.Please.”
“Ifyouevertellanothersoulaboutus,I’llfeedyoutomydad’sdogs.”
“Fairenough.”
“Fine.ThenIforgiveyou.”
MaybeIshouldhavebeenangrier.Heldontomyangerwithasteelygrip.Butasmuchasitannoyedme,embarrassedme,thatastrangerknewwehadincrediblesex,thatstrangerwasalsohisex.
Andpartofmelikedthathe’dthrownsomethinginherface.
SoIshifted,thesheetsrustlingasImoved.Wewereclose,butnotcloseenough.SoIcrawledintohislap,curlingagainsthischest.
Ittookhimamoment—itusuallydid,especiallywhenhewasasleep—buthisarmsloopedaroundme.Justliketheydidwhenhewasasleep.
Icuddled.
AndJasperheldme.
“Istilldon’tunderstandwhywe’regoingtothewedding.”Ifhe’dwalkedaway,ifhe’dfoundabetterlife,whywadeintothecesspoolagain?
“LikeItoldyou,thatinvitationshesentmewasadare.”
“Adare.”Myhandwenttohischest,tracingswirlsonhisskin.“Toseeifyouhadthegutstofaceher.”
“Moreorless.AndI’msureshewantstorubhernewhusbandinmyface.”
“Whoishe?”
Jaspershiftedus,scootingbacktoleanagainstthepillows,buthekeptmeinhislap.“Aguywhowenttoourhighschool.Hewasaprickbackthen.Idoubtthathaschanged.”
“Whatifyoujusttoldthemtofuckoff?”
“Thenshe’dwin.”
SoJasperwasstillfightingtoo.Stillholdingon.Hewasstilltryingtoprovehe’dmadetherightdecision.Thathewasn’tafailurebywalkingaway.
“I’mgoingbecauseIneedtoseeher.Tofaceher.”
Becausehestilllovedher?“Doessheknowyou’rebringingme?”
Henodded.
“Doessheknowthatwe’remarried?”
Henoddedagain.“Shecalledmeawhileago.Itoldher.”
Probablythesamecallwhenhe’dtoldherIwasthebestsexofhislife.Takethat,Sam.“Doyourparentsknowaboutme?”
“IgotanemailfromDadafewdaysafterthat.Itsaidheheardcongratulationswereinorder.Thathewaslookingforwardtomeetingyouatthewedding.”
“Oh.That’sit?”
“That’sit.”
Apolite,shallowemail.Meanwhile,mybrothershadstormedintomyhousetoconfrontJasper.Myparentswerelikelywritinglettersforanintervention.
Jasperhadsaidthathisparentsweren’tcruel,butIwholeheartedlydisagreed.Hisparentswerethedefinitionofcruel.Ignoringachildwascruel.Havingachildsoyourwealthwouldhavealandingspot…cruel.
Itwasheartbreaking.Nowonderhe’dclungtoDan.
Ionlywishedthatwhenhe’daskedDanwhyhe’dbeenspecial,Danhadmadeitcrystalclear.IwishedthatDanhadtoldJasperhewasincredible.Thathewaskind.Andthoughitwasguardedbehindaplethoraoflockeddoors,thatJasperhadagoodheart.
Danshouldhavetoldhimhewasimportant.
Well,Iwouldn’tmakethesamemistake.Beforethiswasover,Jasperwouldhaveatleastonepersoninhislifetellhimhewasworthyoflove.
“I’musingyou,El.”Jasper’sarmsbandedtighter.“Bytakingyoutothiswedding,I’musingyoubecauseIwanttothrowyourbeautifulfaceintheirs.”
Didheexpectthattosurpriseme?Orpissmeoff?Itdidn’t.“Hell,yeah.We’regoingtogether,andI’mgoingtolookhot.”
Jasperstareddownatme,eyeswideandunblinking.
“What?”
“Nothing.”Hedroppedhisforeheadtomine.“Thankyou.”
“Welcome.”
“NotsureIdeserveyou.”
“Oh,youprobablydon’t,”Iteased,earningachuckle.Notquitethelaugh,butI’dtakewhatIcouldgetfromthisman.
“Itwon’tbeafuntrip,”hemuttered.
TheweddingwasinItaly,somethingI’dlearnedaboutsixweeksagowhenJasperhadaskedmeifIhadmypassport.ItwasinthegunsafeatMomandDad’shouse.I’dgottenitsimplytohave,incaseofaspontaneoustrip.ItstillhadEdenasmylastname.Sodidmydriver’slicense.
TherewasnopointinchangingthemtoVale,onlytochangethemback.
“ThiswillbethefirsttimeI’vebeentoEurope,”Itoldhim.“I’mhavingfun,nomatterwhat.”
“Allright.”Hetuckedalockofhairbehindmyear.“Thenwe’llhavefun.”
“I,um,actuallygotyousomething.”I’dbeenwaitingweeksfortherighttimetodothis.ArushofnervesspikedasIshiftedoffJasper’slap,stretchingforthenightstandonmysideofthebed.
Pullingthedrawerback,Ifeltarounduntilmyfingergrazedthesmall,metalcircle.Ituckeditintomypalm,thenreturnedtomyspotonJasper’slap,lettinghimdrawthesheetaroundmyshoulders.
“Sincewe’regoingtothisweddingforsomerevenge,andyougotmearingbeforemyfamily’sfunction.Here.”Withitpinchedbetweenmyfingers,IhelduptheringI’dorderedonline.
Itwastitanium.Simplebutbold,likeJasper.Theinsideandouteredgeswerepolishedtoashine,butthecenterhadamattesheen.
Jasperstaredattheringbutmadenomovetotakeitfrommyhand.
Mynervesdoubled.“Yousaidyoudidn’twearrings.”
Hekeptstaringatit,likeifhetouchedit,themetalwouldburnhishand.
Okay,badidea.Iwasabouttothrowitbackinthedrawer,topretendlikeitneverexisted,whenhemoved,twistingusbothsofastIbarelyrealizedwhathewasdoinguntilIwasflatonmyback.
“Thankyou.Forthering.”Jasperhoveredaboveme,hiseyessearchingmine
“Welcome.Youdon’thavetowearit.Itwasjustathought.”
“Okay,”hewhispered.Thenhismouthclaimedmyown,histonguesweepinginside.HekissedmeuntilIwasbreathless,untilIpleadedformore.
Weclungtoeachotheruntillongafterthethunderstormoutsidehadpassed.UntilIwasbonelessandfellintoadeepsleep.
Atsomepointduringthenight,theringslippedoutofmyfingersanddisappeared.Lostinthetangleofsheets.
Thenextmorning,whenIleftJaspersleepingtogotowork,allIknewwasthattheringwasn’tonhisfinger.CHAPTEREIGHTEENJASPER
TherewerethreecouplesinsidethelobbyatTheEloiseInn.Twowerechattingwitheachotherwhilethethirdstoodatthereceptioncounter,talkingtoEloise.
Shesmiledasshetalked,radiatingthatgorgeouslight,andhandedthemtheirkeycards.Herhairwasuptoday,notatendriloutofplace.Thewhite,button-downshirtsheworewaspressedandcrispacrossherslendershoulders.Whenshepointedtotheelevators,myringonherfingerglintedbeneaththelobby’slights.
Islippedinside,walkingtowardthefireplace.
Eloise’sgazeflickedmyway.Shesmiledalittlewiderbutotherwisedidn’tmissabeatwithherguests.
She’dsnuckoutthismorning.Ormaybeshe’dsaidgoodbyeandI’dmissedit.LastnightwasthehardestI’dsleptinyears.
Itwasstrangetohavemypastoutintheopen.Partofmewasrelieved.Eloiseshouldknowwhatshewasgettingintobeforethiswedding.Butanunease,avulnerability,hadstirredthismorning,mixingwiththerelief.Thecombinationhadleftmeraw.
NooneknewthewholetruthaboutmyparentsorSamantha.AndthoughSamhadbeenthere,I’dtoldEloisethingsaboutDanSenseithatevenSamdidn’tknow.
Eloisewantedtoknowmebetterthananyone.Nowshedid.
Howlonguntilsherealizedshecoulddoahellofalotbetter?
Maybeshealreadyhad.Maybeshewascountingdownthedaysuntilthisweddingwasoverandshe’dbefree.
Meanwhile,Iwasbeginningtofeareachandeverydaythatpassed.Timewasgoingtoodamnfast.
Eloisefinishedwithoneguest,motioningthenextinlineforward.SoItookaseatononeofthelobby’sleathercouches,glancingaroundasIwaited.
Themorningsunlightstreamedthroughthecrystalclearwindows.Ihadn’tvisitedtheinnoften,butthiswasmyfirstvisitwhenafirewasn’tburninginthehearth.Insteadofawoodsy,smokyscent,itsmelledlikespring.Fresh.Clean.Fragrant.Therewasasmallbouquetofflowersonthecoffeetablebesidethreeartfullyarrangedmagazines.
Everydetailwasdesignedtomakeguestsfeelwelcome.Therewasn’tadoubtinmymindwho’dboughtthoseflowersorplacedthosemagazines.
“Hey,Jasper.”KnoxEdenroundedtheendofthecouch,handextended.ThetattoosonhisarmwerevisibletodaybeneaththeshortsleevesofhisKnucklesT-shirt.
“Knox.”Istood,shakinghishandastensioncreptintomyshoulders.
OurfirstencounteratEloise’soldrentalhadn’tbeengreat.Thedinnerattheranchhadn’tbeenmuchbetter.Theirfamilywas…different.Nightanddaytomyown.
Lastnight,afterEloisehadfallenasleepcurledintomyside,I’dthoughtlongandhardaboutmyfamily.AboutSamantha.AboutthosephonecallsI’dbeentakingforyears.
WasthereasonIalwaysansweredbecauseshewastheonlyonetocall?BecauseSamwasmyonlyconnectiontoanythingthatresembledfamily?WasthatwhyIwassoresistanttotheEdens?SomelingeringresentmentformyownthatIprojectedontoherfamily?
Maybe.
Maybenot.
Theystilldidn’tsupportherlikeshedeserved.Theystillwantedtochangeher.
“Eloisesaidyouguysaretakingoffforaweddingsoon,”Knoxsaid.“Italy?”
Inodded.“TheAmalfiCoast.”
Thetripwouldtaketwenty-twohourswiththevariousstopsandtimechanges.We’dbeleavingearlyThursdaymorningtoarriveinNaplesmiddayFriday.
“She’sexcited,”Knoxsaid.
“Metoo,”Ilied.
Theweddingwouldlikelybeadisaster.AndthoughIwaslookingforwardtoaweekendawaywithEloise,ofhotelsandtimealonetogether,thistripmarkedtheend.
Herlaughrangthroughthelobby,drawingmyattention.Thatsmileofherswasbrighterthananylightbulb.Anystar.Shebeamed,entirelyinherelement.
“Shelovesthishotel,”ItoldKnox.
“Shedoes.Alwayshas.”
“Thisisherdream.”WadingintotheEdenfamilybusinesswasn’treallymyplace,butthewholepointofourmarriagewastoensureherfutureherewassecure.Forthat,forherdream,I’ddiveintothedeepend.“Shewantsitmorethananything.”
“It’shers.Maybenotofficially.Notyet.ButMomandDadknowit’shers.”
Iglancedbacktoher,tothatbreathtakingsmile.“She’sscaredthey’lltakeitfromher.”
“Theywon’t.”
“You’resure?”IaskedKnox.
Hegavemeanapologeticsmile,likethefactthatIevenhadtoaskwasafailureontheirfamily’spart.“Youdon’tknowusverywell.Welookoutforeachother.Maybetiminghasn’tbeenrightinthepast,butourparentsknowit’sherdreamtoo.Theywantthatdreamtocometrueforher.”
“You’resure?”Samequestion,metwiththesameapologeticsmile.
“Onehundredpercent.”Hebelievedit.
Wasn’tthisallIneededtohear?Knox’sassurancemeantthismarriagehadn’tfuckedupEloise’sreputation.Herfamilystillsawherasresponsible.NowIcouldwalkaway.
Exceptsomethingwashappeninghere.SomethingIcouldn’tquitegrasp.Itwaslikemyshoesweregettingheavier.Liketherewererootsgrowingbeneathmyfeet.
Andtheywerepullingmetowardthewomanatthehotel’sreceptiondesk.
Theideaofbeingtiedtosomeoneagainmademystomachchurn.ButasmygazedriftedtoEloiseagain,tothatsmile,theroilingslowed.Itdidn’tstop,butitcalmed.
Knoxfollowedmygaze,staringathissister.“ThishotelistheheartofQuincy.AndEloiseistheheartofthishotel.Don’tbreakit.”
“Iwon’t.”
Afool’spromise.ButImadeitanyway.HurtingEloisewasn’tanoption.
Ifshewantedmetowalkaway,ifshewantedherownfreedom,I’dgo.
Butifshewantedmetostay…
Ithadhappenedlastnight,whenI’dstoodontheporchoftheA-frame,watchingmywifestandbeneaththetreeswearingonlyatowel,lettingtherainsoakherface.
Eloisewasmywife.
Therewasn’tadamnthingfakeaboutthismarriage.Notanymore.
Sowe’dgetthroughthisweddinginItaly.Thenwe’dtalk.OnceshesawtheworldwhereI’dcomefrom,shecoulddecide.
Ifshestillwantedtoendit,I’dwalkaway.
Withthefinalguestcheckedin,Eloisewaitedforthemtocollecttheirluggageandmaketheirwaytowardtheelevators.Thenshehoppedoffherstoolandwalkedover,herfeetpracticallyfloatingoverthehardwoodfloors.
Shemovedwithgrace.Withlightness.Likeshehadinvisiblewings.
“Hi,angel.”Iheldoutanarm,waitinguntilsheslidintomyside.ThenIdroppedakisstoherhair.
“Hi.”Hereyessparkledasshelookedup,probablygladIwasputtingonashowforherbrother.Ormaybe,ifIwasluckyenough,shewasjustasgladtoseemeasIwastoseeher.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“ThoughtI’dseeifyouwantedtogotolunchsinceyoudidn’tpackone.”
“HowdidyouknowIdidn’tpackalunch?”
Becausetherehadn’tbeenaknifecoveredinpeanutbutterandjellywhenI’dputmybreakfastdishesinthedishwasherthismorning.“Didyou?”
“No.”Shesmiled.“IwaseithergoingtogetsomethingfromLyla’sorbegmyfavoriteolderbrothertomakemelunch.”
Knoxchuckled.“Griffinisyourfavoriteolderbrother.”
“Yes,butthisisyourchancetobeathimout.”
“That’swhatyousaidthelasttimeImadeyoulunch.”
“Idid?Oh.”Sheliftedashoulder.“See?You’realreadythefavorite.Congratulations.Soaboutthatlunch…”
Knoxshookhishead,hisgazeshiftingmydirection.“Youlikeahituna?”
“Yeah.”Inodded.
“Ourdeliverytruckjustgothere.Letmehelpthecrewgeteverythingputaway,thenI’llmakeyoulunch.I’vebeenwantingtotrysomething,butMemphiswon’teattunarightnow,soyoucanbemytestsubjects.Givemethirty.”
“Thankyou.”Eloiseleanedhercheekagainstmychest.“IoweyouandMemphisanightofbabysitting.”
“Deal.”Knoxwinkedather,thenheadedtowardKnuckles.
“Okay,letmecheckinwiththehousekeepersandgetsomeonetocomemanthedesk.”Eloiseuntuckedherselffrommyside.
“I’llhangout.”IjerkedmychinforhertogodoherthingwhileItookthesameseatonthecouch,readinganonlinearticleaboutamanwhocompleted101consecutivetriathlonsin101days.
IfFosterwasn’tfighting,maybeIcouldtrainforarace.AnIronmanorsomething.
Workingasatrainerhadneverbeenaboutthemoney.AsamemberoftheValefamily,Ihadmyowntrust.Thatfortune,heldinmynamesincebirth,mostlysatuntouched.Ididn’tneedorwantaflashylife.
Butitgavemefreedom.FreedomtobuyanA-framecabininMontana.FreedomtopaycashforadiamondringfromthelocalQuincyjeweler.FreedomtomakesurethatiftheEdenseverdidsellTheEloiseInn,I’dbuyitinaheartbeatforEloise.
AndwhileIdidn’tneedtowork,Ilikedsettinggoals.Challenges.MaybeIcouldconvinceFostertodoarace.Thetwoofuscouldtraintogether.TherewasaSpartanraceinBigforkinMay.We’dmissedthisyearbutmaybenext.
IfIwasstillinMontana.
Eloiseappearedovermyshoulder,droppingherforearmstothebackofthecouch.“Ready?”
“Yep.”Inodded,tuckedmyphoneawayandfollowedherintotherestaurant.
“Mondaysareusuallyslow,”shetoldme,wavingatthewaitresswhomotionedforustotakeanytablewewanted.
Eloisepickedoneinthecenteroftheroom,soIpulledoutherchair,thentooktheseatbesidehers.
“Whydoyoualwaystaketheseatbesideme?”sheasked.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youneversitoppositemewhenwe’reeating.Youalwayssitbesideme.IsthatlikeanEastCoastmannersthing?”
No,Ijustdidn’tlikehavingawholetablebetweenus.Thecornerwasenough.“Makesiteasiertotalkthisway.”
“Becauseyoutalksomuch,”sheteased.
“Italktoyou.”
Hereyessoftened.“Iguessyoudo.”
Lastnight’sconversationseemedtohangoverourheads.Ormaybejustmine.
“DoesFosterknowaboutyourex?”sheasked.
“No.”
“Why’dyoutellme?”
Therewasaneyelashonhercheek.Ireachedovertorunmythumbacrossherskin,collectingtheeyelash.Withitonmyfinger,Ihelditout.“Youaskedmetotry.”
Eloisestaredattheeyelashforalongmoment,likeshewasmakingawish,thensheblewtheeyelashaway,sendingitfloatingtothefloor.Sheunrolledhersilverwarefromhernapkinbeforedrapingthewhiteclothonherlap.“Areyougoingtotakethatjob?”
OnlyifshewantedmetoleaveQuincy.“Idon’tknow.Theguyseemsniceenough.He’syoung.Whicheithermeanshe’scoachableorhethinkshealreadyknowseverything.Ididn’tspendenoughtimewithhimtofindout.”
“Whydidn’tyou?”
Iunrolledmyownsilverware,waitingforhertoanswerherownquestion.
“Youmissedme,”shewhispered,almostlikeshedidn’tthinkitwasreal.
Thewaitresscameoverwithglassesoficewater,interruptingourconversationtosayhellotoEloiseandintroduceherselftome.Shedidn’tbotherwithourordersinceKnoxhadalreadytoldherhewasmakinguslunch.
“So…”Isaid,leaningmyforearmsonthetableasthewaitressleft.“Thoughtwecouldtalklogisticsaboutthewedding.”
“Allright.”Eloiseturnedtheringsonherlefthand,spinningthemclockwise.
“We’llgettherethedaybeforethewedding.Thoughtwe’dneedalittletimetoadjusttothetimedifference.Getsomesleep.”
“Andexplore?”Shepinchedherthumbandindexfingertogether.“Justatinylittlebit.I’llsleepwhenwegethome.”
“Andwecanexplore.”We’ddowhateverherheartdesired.“TheweddingisintheeveningonSaturday.Ithoughtwe’dskiptheactualceremony.Justgotothereception.”
“Finebyme.”Eloise’sgazedroppedtothetable.
Theceremonywouldbeboringasfuck.AndIdidn’tfeellikesittingbesidemyparentsanylongerthannecessary.
“Myparentswillbetheresoyou’llmeetthem.”
“Andthey’llprobablyhatemebecauseI’mnotSam.”Shesattaller,raisingherchin.“NotthatIcare.Aftereverythingyoutoldmelastnight,Ialreadyhatethemtoo.”
Thiswoman.Shewasawarrior,fightinginmycorner.Readytogotobattle.
Thatwasgoingtobethehardestthingforhertograsp.There’dbenobattle,notwithmymomordad.Theydidn’tcareenoughtohate.Tofight.Atleast,notforme.
Eloisewouldrealizeitsoonenough.Butfornow,ifshewantedtobraceherselfforsomeconfrontationwithMomandDad,I’dlether.
Chanceswere,she’dneedthatshieldupforSamantha.
“Ineedyoutoremembersomething,”Isaid.
“What?”
“It’sallbullshit.Whattheythinkofme.ThemanIusedtobe.WhattheythinkreallyhappenedwithSam.Noneofit’sreal.Don’tbuyintoanything.Just…trustme.”
“Easyenough.Ialreadydo.”Shespokethewordseffortlessly.Asawomanwho’dlivedherlifetrusting.
Thefilthintheworldwouldtryandtakeadvantageofherpureheart.Thatwasfine.Shedidn’tneedtochange.Toworry.Shewasn’ttheonlywarrioratthistable.
Shecouldprepareallshewanted,nooneatthisweddingwasgoingtofuckwithher.
Notmyparents.
AndcertainlynotSam.
Orforthefirsttime,I’dspillallofmyex-wife’sdirtysecrets.
Evenifthatmeantspillingmineintheprocess.CHAPTERNINETEENELOISE
Thedayspassedinawhirlwind.IthadbeentoolongsinceI’dtakenavacationfromthehotel,andgettingeveryshiftcovered,planningbackupsforourbackups,hadconsumedmylife.
Packinghadbeenachore.Iownedexactlyzeroelegantgowns,butwhenI’dtoldJasperthatIwasgoingtohavetotakeatriptoMissoulatobuyadresswhenIdidn’thavetimetotakeatriptoMissoulatobuyadress,he’dhadtenovernightedtoQuincy.
Tendresses.Alldesigner.I’dlovedeverysingleone,andwhenIhadn’tbeenabletochooseafavorite,he’dpickedhis.
Thatdresswascurrentlyhanginginourhotelsuite’sbathroomtoletthewrinklesfromtravelloosenwhileIstoodonourprivatebalcony,soakingintheAmalfiCoast.
Italy.IwasinItaly.Withmyhusband.
IfsomeonethreemonthsagohadtoldmeI’dbehere,Iwouldneverhavebelievedit.
JasperandIwerestayinginaneleventh-centuryhotel.Therewereonlyfiftyroomsandsuites,eachoccupiedbyaweddingguest.Thecharmingbuilding,withroundedwindowsandterra-cottarooftiles,hadbeenbuiltintoahillsidewithterracedgardensstretchingbeneathourthird-floorbalcony.Fromthisperch,theviewwasbreathtaking.
Therockycoastlinewasteemingwithlushgreeneryandcreambuildings.Bridgeswitharchedsupportsspannedacrossthejaggedandsteepgraycliffs.Narrowstripsofsandybeacheswereinterspersedbetweentherocks.Andbeyonditallwastheopenocean,stretchingformilesandmilestotheglowinghorizonkissedbythesettingsun.
Irefusedtoblink,notwantingtomissasecondofthedazzlingview.
Twenty-plushoursoftravelhadwipedmeout.Bythetimewe’dfinallylandedinNaplesyesterday,I’dbeensoexhaustedthateventheviewhadn’tbeenabletocoaxmyeyesopen.Onthehour-longdrivefromtheairporttothehotel,Jasper’sshoulderhadbeenmypillow.
Whenwe’dcheckedintoourroom,he’dinsistedIstayawakeuntilafterdinner,wantingmetoadjusttothetimedifferenceandsleepatnight.We’dexploredforafewhours,walkingarounddeadonourfeet,andfoundacharmingcaféfordinner.Thenhe’dwhiskedmetotheroom,wherehe’dkeptmeawakeforanotherhour.Aftertwoorgasms,I’dcrashed.
Butthesleephaddonewonders.WhenI’dwokenupthismorning,Jasperhadalreadyorderedroomservice.Breakfasthadbeenwaitinginoursuite’ssittingroom,andafteradeliciousmeal,aspromised,we’ddonemoreexploringbeforewe’dhadtoreturntothehoteltogetreadyforthewedding.
Jaspercameupbehindme,wearingonlyatowelfromhisshower.Hisnakedchestpressedagainstmybackashisarmswrappedaroundmyshoulders.
Irelaxed,leaningagainsthim,andclosedmyeyes.Itwasrarethatheinitiatedahug.IfIhadtochoosebetweentheviewfromourbalconyorJasper’sembrace,I’dchoosethelattereverydayandtwiceonSundays.
“EverythinggoodatTheEloise?”heasked.
WhileJasperhadjumpedintheshower,I’dcalledtocheckinatthehotel.“MateotoldmethatifIcalledonemoretimetoday,hewasgoingtorearrangethefurnitureinthelobbyandchangeallofmycolorcodingontheschedule.”
Jasperchuckled.“They’refine,El.”
“Yeah.”Isighed.
Mateowascoveringallofmyregularshifts.Momhadvolunteeredtocomeinandhelpwithwhateverneededtobedone.Memphiswouldbetacklinghousekeepingovertheweekend.Andbecausehislatestshiftshadbeenasexcruciatingasthefirst,I’dgivenBlazetheweekendoff,notwantingtosaddlemyfamilywiththatburden.
ThoughmaybeIshouldhavepairedhimwithMom.ThenwhenIfiredhimafterthistrip,she’dunderstandwhy.
Myfamilywasfullycapableofrunningmyhotel,yetIwasstrugglingtodisconnect.Duringourexploringtoday,I’dcalledthreetimes.
“It’sjusthardtoletgo,”Isaid.
Butmaybethistripwasgoodpractice.I’dhavetoletgoofJaspersoonerratherthanlater.
Wehadn’tspokenaboutwhatwasnext,bothchoosingtoconcentrateonthistrip.Theconversationwasinevitable,andeverytimeitcrossedmymind,myinsidescoiled.
“Didyouhavefuntoday?”Jasperasked.
“Yes.”Itwistedtomeethisgaze.Hisfacewassmoothandfreshlyshaved,soIlifteduponmytoestokisstheundersideofhisjaw.“Thanksfortakingme.”
“Welcome.”Hepressedhislipstomytemple,thenturnedtotheview.
Jasperhadbeenquiettodayaswe’dexplored,notunusual.He’dindulgedme,walkingatmysideasI’dwanderedandsnappedhundredsofpictures.Theonlysignthathe’dbeenenjoyinghimselfwerethecrinklesathiseyes.
Exceptthosecrinkleshadfadedwitheverypassinghour.Andbythetimewe’dmadeitbacktothehoteltostartgettingready,hewasbacktothestone-facedmanI’dlivedwithformonths.
WashenervoustoseeSamagain?Wouldthisbepainfulforhim,seeingthewomanhe’dloved—loves—marryanotherman?Theceremonymightbetoohardforhimtoattend,butgoingtothereceptionwouldn’tbemucheasier.
Lastnight,eventired,I’dnoticedashiftinJasper’smood.Sexhadheldanedge.Afranticpace.Hisentirebodyhadbeentense,everyhonedmusclestraining.
Ormaybethattensionhadbeenmyown.
WasIreadyforthis?Somewherenearby,theceremonywouldbestartingsoon.Samandherfiancéwouldexchangevowsandrings.
MyhandslidalongJasper’s,myfingersskatingovertheknucklesonhislefthand.Hisbarelefthand.TheringI’dboughthimhaddisappeared.ForallIknew,he’dthrownitinthetrash.
Hedidn’twearrings.Fine.Partofmestillhopedthatmaybe…maybeminewouldbehisexception.
HadhewornSamantha’sring?Probably.Yes.Iknewtheanswer.Ihatedthatanswer.
Thatwomanhadtakeneverything.Everyfirst.Everymemory.FromthatveryfirstnightattheCloverChapel,Ihadn’tevenstoodachance,hadI?
Theacheinmychestmadeithardtobreathe,soIwiggledfree,slippingfromJasper’sarms.“I’dbettergetintheshower.”
BeforeIcouldslippasthim,hecaughtmyelbow.Thenheframedmyfacewithhishands,droppinghislipstomine.
Iroseonmytoes,flutteringmytongueagainsthis,needingtohearthatlowgrowlinhischest.Thedesireforme,notSam.Me.Emotionclawedatmythroat,sobeforeIcouldcry,Ibrokethekiss,forcingasmileasIslippedintothebathroom.ThenIchanneledtheturmoilinmyhearttowardlookingmyabsolutebest.
ThegownJasperhadchosenwasapalelavender.Thenecklineleftmyshouldersexposedbutitssleeveshitpastmyelbows.Thebodicefitmyslightcurves,givingtheillusionofanhourglassfigure.Apleatedgatheratonehipcreatedasexyslitthatrantothetopofmythigh.
Iartfullyappliedmymakeup,goingheavierthannormalwitheyeshadow.Butmylipsstayedpale.Andmyhairwasstraight,fallinginsleekpanelsovermyshoulders,wheretheendstickledmywaist.
WhenIemergedfromthebathroom,IfoundJasperinthesittingarea,adjustingasilvercufflink.
Thesightofhiminatux,theblackjacketandslackstailoredperfectlytohisbroadframe,stoletheairfrommylungs.
Thishadbeenhislife,hadn’tit?Tuxedos.Eleganthotels.Money.He’ddonnedthatsuitand,withit,apowerIhadn’tnoticedbefore.Wealthfithim.Thiswastheothersideofhislife,thesideheworkedsohardtohide.
Cufflinksecure,heglancedup.Andfroze.
Thosedarkeyestraveleddownmybody,headtotoe,inalazyinspection.HisAdam’sapplebobbed.Andthen,withouthesitationorreserve,headjustedthebulgeswellingbehindhisslacks.
“Youaremagnificent.”Hisgravellyvoicesentashiverdownmyspine.Acurlofdesirebloomedinmycore.Myhandsitchedtostriphimoutofthatsuit,butthatwouldhavetowait.
First,Ihadajobtodo:makehisex-wifejealous.I’dgladlybethewomantorubwhatshe’dlostinherface.
“Readyforthis?”Iasked.
“Areyou?”
“Yeah.”Iwasready.
Hewalkedover,bendingtobrushakisstomycheek.Thenheheldoutanelbow,waitingformetotakehisarmbeforeheescortedmefromtheroomanddownthecarpetedhallwaytotheelevator.
Theridetothefirstfloorwasquiet,butthemomentthedoorsslidopen,noisefilledthelobby.
Westrodetowardthecrowdgatheredoutsidetheballroom,myheelsclickingagainstthepolishedblackandwhitemarblefloor.IclutchedJasper’sarmwhilelettingmyeyeswander,takingineverydetailfromthecrystalchandelierstotheornatelycarvedpillarsthatbracketedeveryhallway.
“Thishotel…”
“Beautiful,isn’tit?”
“It’sadream.”
Jasperhummed.“IpreferaquaintlittlehotelinQuincy,Montana.”
“Funny.”Ilookedup,findinghisgazewaiting.I’dexpectedtoseesometeasingthere,buthewasdeadserious,wasn’the?HelikedTheEloisebetterthanthis?
IlovedJasperforthat.
IlovedJasper.
Somewherealongtheway,I’dfalleninlovewithmyhusband.
Thatemotioncameclawingback,butIswalloweditdown,oncemoreconcentratingonthehotel’sintricatedetails.“I’mtakingnotestonightforourownweddingofferings.”
“Iwouldexpectnothingless,”hesaidaswefellinlinewiththeotherguests,inchingourwayintothereception.
Astringquartetwasstagedinthecorner,theirmusicminglingwiththehumofconversationandlaughter.
Theballroomwasbright,thewallscream,astheywerethroughoutthehotel.Matchingclothscoveredthetablesandchairs.Thecenterpiecesweregoldcandelabrasthathelddrippingwhitecandles.Everytablewasteemingwithpalepeoniesandpristinewhiteroses.Crystalwallsconcesandglimmeringchandeliersbathedtheroomingoldenlight.
Onewallwasmadeofarchedopeningstoanoutsideterrace.Thescentofrosesandtangyoceansaltcarriedacrosstheair.
Itwaselegant.Mesmerizing.Samantha’stastesweresimilartomyown.Thatshouldn’thavesurprisedmeconsideringthemanwe’dbothmarried,butseeingthisvenuebroughttherealizationfrontandcenter.Itleftasourtasteinmymouth,butIrefusedtoletanybitternessshow.Therewasnothingbutacarefreesmileonmyface.
IftheworstthingpeoplesaidaboutmetonightwasthatIwastoosmiley,I’dcallitawin.
Womenindesignerdressessippedfromcrystalchampagneflutes.Menintuxes,likeJasper’s,heldtumblerswithamberwhiskeyorcolorlesscocktails.
Thebrideandgroomwerenoticeablymissing.ThankGod.Iwasgoingtoneedadrinkbeforethatface-off.
Asawaiterpassedbywithatrayofchampagne,Jaspertooktwoglasses,handingmeone.
Expensivebubblesburstonmytongue.
Jasperliftedhistohislips,takingadrink.Hisshoulderswerepinnedback,hisposturepoised,yetrelaxedashescannedtheroom.
Iknewitthemomenthespottedafamiliarface.Hisframelockedtight,themusclesofhisarmflexing.Ifollowedhisgazetotwooldercouplestalkingandlaughingandlockedinconversation.
Oneofthemenhadbrown,almostblack,hairwithliberalstreaksofgray.Thewomanathissidewasslender,almostwillowy,wearingastraplessblackgown.ShewasbeautifulandhadJasper’sdarkeyes.Atherthroatwasanintricate—expensive—diamondnecklacethatcaughtthelighteverytimeshemoved.
“Yourparents?”Iasked.
Jasperhummed.
Isquaredmyshoulders,lettinggoofhisarmtotrailmyhanddownhissleevebeforelacingourfingerstogether.
“Yougood?”heasked,glancingdown.
Ilookedupathim,andtheconcerninhiseyesmeltedmyheart.Iguesstonight,we’dworryabouteachother.“Yeah,babe.I’mgood.”
Withanod,heledtheway,weavingpasttablesandclustersofweddingguests.
Hisfathernoticedusfirst,stoppingthegroup’sconversation.Thecouplethey’dbeentalkingtosaidaquickgoodbye,thenshiftedtominglewithadifferentgroupwhileJasper’sfatherheldoutahand,forcingJaspertodropmine.“Hello,son.”
“Dad.”Jaspershookhisfather’shand,thensteppedcloser,movingintokissbothofhismother’scheeks.“Hi,Mom.”
“Hello,darling.Isn’tthisalovelyevening?Wewerejustontheterraceanditcouldn’thavebeenmorebeautiful.”
Seriously?Thiswasawomanwhohadn’tseenhersoninyears,andshewantedtochitchatabouttheweather?Andallhisfatherhadtosaywashello?Notevena,“Goodtoseeyou,Jasper”?
Mymotherwouldhavetakenanyoneofhersonsbytheear,hauledthemintothehallwayforascreaminglecture,thenhuggedthemsotightthey’dbarelybeabletoshakeherloose.Andmydad,well…hewouldn’thaveallowedyearstogobyinthefirstplace.
“Itisquitelovely.”Jasperplacedhishandonthesmallofmyback.“Letmeintroduceyoutomywife.Eloise,thesearemyparents,DavisandBlairVale.”
“Suchapleasure.”Davis’ssmileseemedgenuineashetookmyhand,pattingitgingerly.
ThenBlairmovedin,pressinghercheektoeachofmine,justlikeJasperhaddonewhenhe’dtoldherhello.
Keepsmiling.Justkeepsmiling.
Bothseemedsincere,yetatthesametime,Iwaswatchingsomerehearsedplay.Thelinesandactionswrittenwereexecutedwithprecision.Exceptitlackedanysemblanceofemotion.
“HowarethingsinMontana?”DavisaskedJasper.
Oh,sotheydidknowwheretheirsonwasliving.
“They’regoingwell,thankyou,”Jaspersaid.“Howhaveyoubothbeen?”
“Excellent.”DavissmiledandthosesamecrinklesasJasper’sformedathiseyes,thoughDavis’sweredeeper.
“Well,notentirelyexcellent.”Blairtsked.“Idon’tknowifSamanthatoldyouornot,Iknowyoutwokeepupwitheachother,butwehadtoputdownLuckylastmonth.It’sbeendifficult.”
“I’msorrytohearthat,Mom.”Jaspertookmyhandagain.“LuckywasMom’sPomeranian.”
“I’msorry.”Somehow,I’dbeensuckedintothisweirdvortexbecauseIsoundedascoldanddetachedastherestofthem.SoItookalongsipofchampagne.Alcohol,saveme.Tonight,Iwasgoingtoneedit.
“Theceremonywasbreathtaking,”Momsaid.“Samlooksasbeautifulasever.”
Maybeanotherwomanwouldhaveinfusedthatstatementwithsomebite.Alittlemaliceforthenewdaughter-in-lawtoknowshe’dneverliveuptothepreviousone.Exceptitwasjust…astatement.Nomalice.Noillintent.
Thesefuckingpeople.
Itookanotherdrink.
“Areyoustayinglong?”Davisasked.
Jaspershookhishead.“Notlong.”
“We’llbeleavingafterbrunchtomorrow.We’vegottogetback.Butyou’rewelcometojoinusinthemorning.”
Thatwasn’treallyaninvitation.Itwasmorelikethey’dmadeareservationfortoomanypeopleandhadacoupleofspotstofill.
“We’dloveto,”Jaspersaid.
No,wewouldn’t.
Histhumbtracedalongthelengthofmine.“We’regoingtofindourseats.”
Davispointedacrosstheroomtowardoneofthetablesclosetoanarchway.“Ibelievewe’reatthesametable.”
Super.Ismiledwiderbeforeasnarkycommentcouldescape.
“We’lljoinyou.”Blairloopedherarmthroughherhusband’s.“Eloise.Whatabeautifulname.”
“Thanks.”IalmosttoldherIwasnamedaftermygreat-great-grandmother,butasItookinherprettyface,Irealizedthatshewouldn’tcare.Thatdetailwouldgoinonediamond-adornedearandouttheother.
Blairhadalreadymovedontotheotherpeopleintheroom,hergazesweepingbackandforththroughtheroom.Shesmiledatsomeone,liftingahandtowave.
Ashort,baldmanapproachedandDavisstoppedtoshakehishand.
ThewaybothheandBlairshifted,turningtheirbackstoJasperbecausesomeonebetterhadcomealong,mademescoff.
Igulpedmychampagnethistime.
Jasperjustkeptonwalking,leadingmetoourtable,wherehepulledoutmyseatbeforetakinghisown.
WhenIdownedtherestofmychampagne,hetradedmyemptyglassforhisnearlyfullone.
IdrankitasIstaredathisparents.We’dalreadybeenforgotten,hadn’twe?Jasperhadalreadybeendismissed.RagevibratedthrougheverycellinmybodyasIwatchedDavisandBlairlaughwiththatbaldman.
“Ididn’tunderstand,”Iwhispered.
“Iknow,angel.”Jasperdrapedhisarmaroundthebackofmychair.Whenhe’dtakenhisseat,he’dmovedinsoclosethatourthighsweretouching.
SoIleanedintohim,mygazelockedonhisparentsasIstruggledtocomprehendwhatIwasseeing.
“That’stheironswitch,”Isaid,moretomyselfthanJasper.
Hehummedhisagreement.
AndJasperandIhadgottentheoffswitch.Sure,they’dspokentherightwords.They’dusedthecorrectmannerisms.Butthatentireencounterhadbeenutterlyshallow.Devoidofanyactuallovefortheirson.
WhenitcametoJasper,theyweredetached.Disinterested.Thatwasthewordhe’dused.Itfitperfectly.Theysavedtheirenergyforeveryoneelse.
ItwasmoreabruptthanIcouldhaveeverexpected.Moreobvious.
Mylipcurled.Myhandsballedintofists.“Ihatethem.”
Awaiterappeared,histrayloadedwithchampagne.“Anotherglass,sir?”heasked,hisEnglishheavilyaccented.
“Yes,”IansweredforJasper.“Actually,no.IfIgetdrunk,I’llsaysomethingmean.ButIguesstheyprobablywouldn’tevencare,sowhynotgetdrunk?Idoubtthey’llevenremembermynamebymorning.”
TheguylookedtoJasper,hiseyeswide.
“Yes,please.”Jaspergesturedforhimtosetdowntwofreshflutes.
Withouremptyglassessweptoffthetable,thewaitervanishedintothegrowingcrowd.
DavisandBlaircontinuedtovisit,morepeoplejoiningthemandthebaldman
NowonderJasperwassoclosedoff.Howmanytimeshadhebeengentlyrejectedlikethat?Howmanytimeshadhewitnessedhisparentsfawnandfussoveranyonebuthim?
Fuckyou,DavisandBlair.Fuckyouverymuch.
Itoremygazeaway,turningtoJasper.
Hiseyeswerewaiting.“Hi.”
“Hi.”God,Iwantedtocry.Iwantedtoscream.
Hewassowonderful.Sospecial.Andhisparents…
Theydidn’tevencare.
Mynosestartedtosting.Alumpinmythroatbegantochokeme.ButIrefusedtocry,nothere.Nottonight.
SoIleanedin,pressingmylipstohis,hopinghecouldfeelmylove.Wishingitwouldseepintohisheartsothatwhenhelookedinthemirror,hesawamanwhodeservedit.
WhenIpulledaway,hiseyessearchedmine.Hishandcametomyhair,takingalockandlettingitslipthroughhisfingers.“Good?”
Notevenalittlebit.“Good.”Itookholdofhisarm,huggingitasmyheadfelltohisshoulder.
ThenIglancedaroundtheballroom,lookingeverywherebutathisparents.
Theswishofawhitegowncaughtmyeye.Theroomeruptedincheersandclappingasthebrideandgroomsweptintotheroom.
Myheartlurched.
Samantha.
Shewasgorgeous.Herhairwasaboutaslongasmine,curledinperfectwavesofhoneyandwheat.Shewastallandslimwithcurvybreasts.Ofcourseshe’dbethemostbeautifulwomaninanyroom,especiallythisone.I’dexpectednothingless,butthefactthatshewasflawlessburned.OhGod,itburned.
JasperandSamanthawouldhavelookedperfecttogether.Hisdarktoherlight
Betough.
I’dpromisedmyselfweeksagothatnomatterwhathappenedheretonight,I’dbetough.ThatIwouldn’tletmyfeelingsshow,notinfrontofthesepeople.
SoIsmiled,feigninghappinessforthenewlywedcouple.
Jasper’shandcametomyleg,squeezingmyknee.
SolikeIdidwithhisparents,Idismissedthebrideandconcentratedwhollyonmyhusband,pressingakisstohischeek.
AndthistimewhenIfacedtheroom,Iwasmetwithapairofjealoushazeleyes.
Maybeshewasbeautiful.
Butmyblueeyeswerejewelscomparedtohermuddyirises.
Mycheekswerebeginningtohurtfromthissaccharinesmile,butIdidn’tfalterasImethericyglare.
Fuckyoutoo,Samantha.CHAPTERTWENTYJASPER
Overthecourseoftwohours,Eloisehadshiftedinherchair.Gonewasherperfectpostureaimedatherplacesetting.Nowshewassittingsideways,oneofherlegstuckedunderherrearwhiletheotherwasdrapedacrossmylap.Inchbyinch,she’deffectivelyblockedoutmyfather,seatedonherotherside,togivemeherundividedattention.Shewasclosetocrawlingintomylap.
Andthebestdamnpart?Idoubtedsheevenrealizedshe’ddoneit.
Throughthefirstcourse,she’dfacedherplate,eatingandsippingherchampagne,listeningtotheconversationatthetablewhileeveryoneintheroomhadtakentheirseats.
WhenMomandDadhadbeguntalkingpoliticswiththeothersatourtable,Eloisehadmadeherfirstshift.Ithadbeenjustalittleturn,herkneepressedtightagainstmyown.
Duringthemaincourse,she’dcrossedherlegsandhercalfhadbrushedagainstmyshin.
Throughthetoasts,she’dtwistedfurther,hertorsoperpendiculartothebackofthechair,hereyeslockedonmeinsteadoftheheadtable.
Afteranotherfluteofchampagne,she’dtuckedthatlegintotheseatwhiletheotherdrapedacrossmythighs.
MythumbtracedcirclesontheinsideofherkneeasIlistenedtoherchatter.
TheEloisewho’dcaptivatedmeinVegas,thewomanwhovoicedwhateverthoughtwasinherhead,hadreappeared.Hercheekswereflushed,herlipspink.Shewasbreathtaking.Themostbeautifulwomanintheroom—inanyroom.
“Iwishwehadanoutdoorspaceforweddingsatthehotel.”Hereyesshiftedovermyshouldertowardthearchwayandterracesatmyback.
Darknesshadfallenoutside,thegardensnowlitwithtwinklinglights.Itwastoonoisyintheballroomtoheartheoceanwaves,buttonight,we’dsleepwiththebalconydoorsopentoenjoythesound.
“Maybewecouldturntheroofintoagarden,”shesaid.“I’mputtingthatonmywishlistrightabovethefountain.”
“Youwantafountain?”Iasked.
“Yep.ButnotasmuchasIwantarooftopgarden.”
Igrinned,drowninginthosesparklingblueeyes.Ifshewantedarooftopgarden,thenshe’dhavearooftopgarden.
Shetriedtoshiftagain,tomovecloser,butshewasascloseasshecouldgetwhilestayinginherownchair.
SoIfixedtheproblemforher.Withaquickliftbeneathherribs,Ipulledheroffherownseatandploppedherontomylap.
Shesmiled,likeshe’dbeenwaitingformetodothatallnight.
Oneoftheothertableguests,awomanwithspikedgrayhair,shotusasidewaysglance.
Eloisegavethewomanafingerwaveandablindingsmile.Shemightaswellhaveflippedheroff.
Ifoughtalaugh,reachingformychampagneflute.
Thatwomanwastheonlyonetohavepaidusanyattentionsincethecakehadbeencut.Myparentswerelockedinconversationwithanothercouple,andasmuchasEloisehadshifted,blockingoutDad,well…he’ddonethesametoher.
Idoubtedhe’ddoneitintentionallyeither.Hejustdidn’tcare.
Somuchformyparentsgettingtoknowmywife.
IthadgoneexactlyasI’danticipated.There’donlybeenoneshocktomysystemtonight—seeingSam.
I’dexpectedtofeelsomething.Anything.Painfromoldwounds.Envyatseeingherwithanewhusband.Longingforwhatwe’doncebeen.
Nothing.Notadamnthing.Shemightaswellhavebeenastranger.Itwas…odd.ThoughnotnearlyasoddasthefactthatIwasactuallyenjoyingthisparty.
Thankssolelytotheangelinmyarms.
“Areyoudrunk?”sheasked.
“No.”
“Iam.”Sheblewoutalongbreath.“Justalittlebit.”
“Really,”Ideadpanned.“Ihadnoidea.”
Sherolledhereyes.
Ichuckledandkissedhercheek,thenliftedmyglass.“Wantmorechampagne?”
“No,Idon’twanttobehungovertomorrow.Canwedoahelicoptertour?”
“Yes.”
“Orshouldwedoaboattour?”
“Whateveryouwant.”
“Butwhatdoyouwant?”
You.Justyou.“Helicopter.”
“Okay,good.”Shebeamed.“Iwashopingyou’dsaythat.”
WewerespendinganotherdayinItalybeforeweflewhomeonMonday.Iregrettedplanningsuchashorttripnow.Watchinghersoakinthesights,watchingherstunningsmileasshetookitallin,waslikeseeingtheworldfromanewpairofeyes.
“Goodevening,ladiesandgentlemen,”theleadsingersaidintothemicrophone.Thestringquartetthathadplayedthroughdinnerhadsincepackeduptheirinstrumentsandleft.Intheirplacewasaliveband—threeguitaristsandadrummer.
IrecognizedthemfromarelativelyfamousbandthattouredaroundtheDCarea.Theyhadn’tmadeitbig,butforthecrowdI’doncerunwith,theywerethepopularbandtohaveperformatyourwedding.
TheleadsingerwelcomedSamandherhusbandtothefloorfortheirfirstdance.
Everyeyewasonthemastheyspunaroundthefloor.
IstudiedSam,waitingforthatfamiliarheartacheandresentmenttofloodmyveins.Instead,morenothing.
Itshouldhavefeltdifferent,seeingheragainafterallthistime.HowmanyyearshadIspentfixatedonthatwoman?HowmanyhourshadIdwelledonthepast?Countless.Everyoneofthempointless.
Somethingunlockedinmychest.Somethingthatfeltalotlike…freedom.Relief.
Thisweddinghadbeenatest.AchanceformetoseeifIwasstillthatmanfromadecadeago.
Iwasn’t.
AndIwasn’tthemanSamanthathoughtsheknew.Notanymore.
Done.IwasdonewithSam.Itwouldn’tbehardtoignorethatnextphonecall.Myattentionswungfromthedancefloortomyparents.Iwasdonewiththemtoo.
Havingloving,attentiveparentshadn’tbeeninthecardsI’dbeendealt.LikeseeingSam,maybethatshouldhavebotheredme.Buttonight,Ijustdidn’tfuckingcare.
Theonlypersoninthisroomdeservingofmyaffectionwasinalavenderdress.
“Youokay?”Eloisewhispered.
Yeah,Iwasokay.Betterthan.Ikissedherforehead.“Yes.”
Thefirstdanceendedandtheenergyintheballroomshiftedastheleadsingerwelcomedotherstothefloor.Theeventstaffcamefloodingthroughthedoors,carryingreplenishedtraysofcocktailsandwineglasses.Othershadsnacksthey’dlikelybepassingoutuntilthepartydied.
Myfatherstoodfromhischair,holdingoutahandtohelpmymothertoherfeet.Thenheescortedhertothedancefloor,twirlingherinhisarms.
“Dotheyloveeachother?”Eloiseasked.
“Yes,Ithinkso.”
Shescoffed.“Thenthatonlymakesitworse.Ireally,reallyhatethem.”
Ichuckled,kissingherforeheadagain.“Youdon’thavetohatethem.”
“Toolate.”
Fierceloyalty.Apreciousheart.MyEloise.“Thankyouforcomingwithmetonight.”
Shenarrowedhereyesatmine.“Promiseyou’reokay?”
“Promise.”
Herhandlifted,herfingertipsthreadingthroughthehairatmytemples.“Don’tcutyourhairuntil…later,okay?”
“Okay.”
Later.Shewasstillexpectingmetoleave,butsoonenough,she’drealizeshecoulddictateallmytripstothebarber.Hell,shecouldcutitherselfifshewanted.
Sheproppedherchinonmyshoulder,hergazedriftingoutside.“Therooftopgardenhastohavetwinklelights.”
“Agreed.”
Irelaxeddeeperintomychair,contenttoactasEloise’s.ThenIwatchedmyparentsdanceforafewmomentsuntilafamiliargazesnaredmefromacrosstheroom.
Samanthastaredatmefromherseatattheheadtable.Sheheldaglassofchampagneinonehand.Theotherwasinherhusband’s.
Thatguyhadbeenaprickinhighschool.Hell,we’dallbeenthatway,hadn’twe?He’dbeenatthesameparties.Moreoftenthannot,he’dbeentheguytobringthecocaine.
Atthemoment,hewasleanedinclose,talkingtothebridesmaidathisside,oneofSam’ssororitysisters.
Fromthewaytheyspoke,toocloseandtoointimatelyforfriends,IsuspectedthatSamhadgotteneverythingshe’dwanted:arichhusbandwhodidn’tgiveadamnifshesleptwithsomeoneelse.He’dbepartakinginthatopenrelationship.Becausebeforethistripwasover,I’dbetmyinheritancehe’dbefuckingthatbridesmaid.
Morereliefwashedovermyshoulders.Thatusedtobemylife.Thatusedtobemyreality.Thankfuck,I’descaped.
IfnotforDan,maybeIwouldhavestayed.IfnotforFoster,maybeIwouldhavereturned.
IfnotforEloise,Iwouldn’thaveevenknownwhatI’dbeenmissing.
“Ihavetopee.”Shegroaned,sittingstraight.“ButIdon’twanttoriskabathroomrun-in.”
“What’sabathroomrun-in?”
“Youknow,whereIgotothebathroomandwhileI’minthestall,theseotherwomen,probablyyourexorherbridesmaids,comeinandIoverhearthemsayingsomethingnastyaboutmydressormyhair.”
“Whatcouldanyonepossiblysayaboutyourdressoryourhair?”Shewasthemostbreathtakingwomanintheroom,morestunningthaneventhebride.
“Idon’tknow.”Sheshrugged.“Girlsaremean.ButIalsodon’twanttobumpintoyourexatthesinksoshecantellmewhilewe’rewashingourhandsthatyou’llneverloveanyonethewayyoulovedherandblah,blah,blah,blah,blah.Ithappenedtomyfriendatjuniorprom.Dramawithacapitald.”
Thecornerofmymouthturnedup.“Abathroomrun-in.Besttoavoidthose.”
“Exactly.”
ThatsensationI’dhadatTheEloisebeforewe’dleftMontanahitmeagain.Thoserootskepttugging.I’dthoughttheyhadsomethingtodowithMontana,withmygrowingconnectiontoQuincy.Butithadalwaysbeenher.
“What?”Shecockedherheadtotheside.“You’relookingatmefunny.I’mdrunkandtalkingtoomuch,huh?”
“No,El.You’reperfect.”Ishiftedtodigoutoneofthekeycardsfrommypocket.“Wehavearoomatthishotel.Nobathroomrun-insnecessary.”
“Oh,yeah.Duh.”Shegiggled,thenwithaquickpeckonthecheek,slidoffmylap.“Berightback.”
Eloisestuckclosetotheedgeoftheroom,passingthearchwaysonherwaytothedoors.Herdressswishedasherhipsswayed.
Amancheckedoutherassasshepassed.Iclenchedmyjaw,abouttostandandheadupstairswithher,whensomeonetouchedmyshoulder.
Ididn’tneedtoturntosenseSamanthaatmyback.
Herhandlingeredonmyjacket,longenoughtomakemyskincrawl,soIstood,keepingthechairbetweenus.
“Hi,Sam.”
“Jasper.”
“Congratulations.Thisisabeautifulwedding.”
“Yes,itis.”SheglancedtoEloise’semptyseat.“Where’syourwife?Iwashopingtomeethertonight.”
Ichuckled.Oh,yeah.Therewouldhavedefinitelybeenabathroomrun-in.
“What’sfunny?”Samasked.
“Nothing.”Iwaveditoff.
“She’svery…beautiful.”
“Sheis.Insideandout,”Isaid.“Eloisejustranupstairsforsomething.She’llbeback.”
Sam’sgazenarrowedasshestudiedmyface.“Youlook…different.”
“Happy,”Icorrected.
TherewereonlyafewtimeswhenIcouldremembershockingSamantha.ThemostnotablewaswhenI’dtoldherIwantedadivorce.She’dbeentotallyunpreparedformetotakeissuewithusfuckingotherpeople.
Buttonight,shelookedarguablyassurprised.
Maybebecauseshe’dnevermademethishappyandwasrealizinghowmuchourrelationshiphadlacked.Well,thatwasherproblem.Withanyluck,tonightwouldbethelasttimeIsawSamantha.
“I’mgoingtogocheckonEloise.Enjoyyourcelebration.”
Beforeshecouldsayanotherword,Iturned,followingthesamepathEloisehadtakenoutoftheballroom.
MyshoesclickedonthemarbleasIhustledtotheelevator,steppinginwithanothergentlemanonhiswaytothethirdfloor.ThenIstrodedownthecarpetedhallway,pullingtheotherkeyfrommypocket,gladI’dsnaggedbothonthewayouttonight.
Eloisewasinthebathroomsmoothingherhair,andwhenIappearedinthemirror,shegasped,slappingahandtoherheart.“Youscaredme.Warnagirl.”
“Sorry.”Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,spinningherfromthemirrortohaulherintomyarms.ThenIslammedmymouthontohers.
ShemoanedasIslidmytongueinside,stealingthatsweettaste.Thensheputherhandsonmychest,gentlypullingaway.“You’regoingtoruinmymakeup.”
“Can’thavethat.”Ipickedherupatthewaist,settingheronthecounter.
Thetravel-sizedplasticbottlesoftoiletriesshe’dlinedupbesidethesinkscattered,tworollingtothefloorasmyhandskatedupthatsexyasfuckslitinherdress,pushingthefabricaside.
“Jas.”HerbreathhitchedasIstrokedalongthegussetofherlacepanties
“Shimmyoutofthese,”Iordered,tuggingatthefabric.
SheshiftedfromsidetosideasIpulledthepantiesdown.Thenshepulledtheskirtofhergownaway,untilshewasbaredtome,herassperchedontheedgeofthecounterasshespreadwide.
Mycockthrobbed,achingbehindthezipperofmyslacks.Ifreedmyself,fistedtheshaftanddraggedthetipthroughherentrance,spreadingthatfirstpearldropthroughherslit.
Eloisehummed,herheadlollingtotheside.Herlegsspreadwiderasherhandscametomyshoulders.
Ihookedahandunderherknee,holdingithigh,stretchingthattonedleguntilIfeltresistance.ThenIslidintohertightsheathwithasinglethrust.
“Yes,”shehissed.“Imissedyou.”
She’dhadmethreetimeslastnightandoncethismorning.Butsexsincewe’dcomeherehadheldanedge.Hernerves.Mine.
Theyweregonenow.Allthatwasleftwasus.
Irockedustogether,slowly,keepingthatlegpinned,herkneepresseduptowardherchest.
“OhGod.”ShewhimperedwhenIdrovetothehilt.
“Sofuckingdeep.”Ilookeddowntowherewewereconnected,asurgeoflustspikingasherbodystretchedaroundmine.“Lookatus,angel.”
Eloisedroppedhergaze,herbottomlipcaughtbetweenherteeth.Thenshemetmygaze,hercheeksflushed.
Didsheseehowperfectweweretogether?Didsherealizethatitdidn’tmatterifIworearing?Ifshehadmylastname?
EloiseEdenwasmine.
AndIwashers.
Untiltheend.
Hermakeupwasflawless.Butsinceshelookedasbeautifulwithitasshedidwithout,Icrushedmylipstohers,mytonguedelvinginsideasImoved.FasterandfasterIpistonedmyhips.Whenherthighmusclestrembled,Ieasedherlegdown,lettingitdangleoffthecounterliketheother.
ThenIgrippedherbythehips,holdinghertight,asthesoundofoursexechoedoffthebathroomwalls.
Eloisetorehermouthaway,pantingforbreath.Herhandsfumbledwiththehemofmytuxshirt,haulingituphighenoughsoshecoulddragherpalmsupmyabs.Thensheslidherhandsaroundmyback,dippingthemloweruntilshehadmyassinhergrip.
Hernailsdugintomyflesh,herfingertipspressinghardintomymuscles.Thebiteonlyspurredmeon.
“Ilovehowyoufuckme.”Sheclawedhernailsharder.
“You’dbetterloveit.”AsfarasIwasconcerned,mycockwastheonlyoneshe’dbegettingfromhereonout.
Herinnerwallsbegantopulse,herlimbsshaking.Hergriponmyassneverletup,soneitherdidI.
ThiswomangoteverythingIhad—heart,bodyandsoul.
“Jas.”Sheheldmetighter.
“Come,El.”
Thatwasallittook.Onecommandandsheshattered.
Onaroar,Ifollowedherovertheedge,lostinthiswoman.
Lostinwhatwemightbecome.
Ifshe’dhaveme.
Astheclimaxfaded,weleanedoneachother,ourskinstickywherewewerestillconnected,ourbreathsmingledasourheartsraced.Untilslowlywepulledapart.ItuckedmyselfintomyboxersandranaclothunderwarmwatertocleanEloise.
“Youdon’tneedtodothat,”shewhispered.
“Letmedoitanyway.”Ikissedhercheek.
Shetwisted,takinginherfaceinthemirror.Agiggleburstfromherlips.“IlooklikeIwasjustthoroughlyfucked.”
Imethergazeintheglass.
Thiswasmychance.AchancetotellherIwantedmore.TostayinMontana.Toseeifwecouldmakethisfakemarriageintosomethingreal.Butthewordscloggedinmythroat.
Itwouldbebettertowaituntilwewerehome,right?TotalkaboutthisaftertheweddingwhenwewerehomeattheA-frame?
“Wanttoskiptherestoftheparty?”Iasked.
“Noway.Iwantmorechampagne,andthosesnackstheywerecarryingaroundlookedyummy.”
Itookherhand,helpingheroffthecounter.ReturningtothatweddingwasthelastplaceonearthIwantedtobe,butifshewantedasnack,I’dbeherescort.“Thenlet’sgetyousomefood.”
“Andcake,”shesaid,smoothingdownherdress.“Ididn’tgetcake.Ineedtotestitandmakesureit’snotasgoodasLyla’s.Doyoueatcake?”
“Sometimes.”Inuzzledmynoseagainstherthroat,drawinginthatperfectscent.“ButI’mgoingtoeatsomethingelsefordessertlater.”
Mywife.CHAPTERTWENTY-ONEELOISE
“You’reagooddancer,”ItoldJasperasheledmearoundthefloor.“Weshoulddancemore.Doyouknowthetwo-step?Orthejitterbug?”
“No,”hesaid,twirlingusinacircle.
“Oh.Wanttolearn?Ijustknowthegirlpart,butGriffinorKnoxorMateocouldteachyou.They’reallgooddancers.WecouldallgodancingatWillie’sonenight.”
Jasperspunusagain,hislowhumtheonlyacknowledgmentofmyidea.
“Wasthatayes?”
Hechuckled.
“I’mtakingthatasayes.”Ismiled,followinghisfootsteps.
Hischeekwaspressedagainstmytemple.Onehandheldminewhiletheothercuppedmyass,unabashedlyfeelingmeup.Jasper’sgripwasanot-so-subtlereminderoftheclawmarksI’dleftonhisowndeliciousbehind.
Fromthemomentwe’dreturnedtotheweddingreception,there’dbeenabubblearoundus.JasperandIhadbeeninourownworld,ignoredbytheotherguests.Ignoringtheotherguests.
We’dfoundfreshflutesofchampagne.We’draidedthefoodtrays,samplingthepost-dinnerfare.AndevenJasperhadindulgedinthecake—definitelynotasgoodasLyla’s—beforehe’dsweptmeontothedancefloor.
I’dbeeninhisarmseversince.Myheadwasperfectlybuzzedfromthechampagne.Iwasstillridingthehighfromsexupstairsearlier.Mylimbsfeltloose.Andeventhoughhisickyparentsandhisinfuriatinglybeautifulex-wifewereintheroom,somehow,I’dmanagedtoblockthemout.
Noonehadbettertrytopopmyhappybubble.
“Wheredidyoulearntodance?”Iasked.
“Highschool.Oneyearofballroomdancingwasrequiredtograduate.”
I’dpepperedhimwithquestionsallnight.Ifmytimewithhimwasrunningout,Iwantedtoknoweverythingandanything.
Jasperhadindulgedme,sharingwithouthesitation.Maybethechampagnehadgonetohisheadtoo.
“Didyoulikeyourhighschool?”
Heshookhishead.“Notespecially.”
“Ilovedmine,”Isaid.“Forthemostpart.It’snotliketherewasn’tthenormalgirldramaandwhatever,butIalwayslikedthatitwastheschoolwheremybrothersandsistershadgone.Anditwastheschoolwheremyparentswenttoo.”
“Alegacy.”
“Yeah.”ThatseemedliketoofancyawordforQuincyHigh.“Ilikedancingwithyou.”
Heturnedhischeek,pressinghislipstomytemple,thenkeptmovingusaroundthefloor.
“DoyoulikeMontana?”
“Thiswinterwasfuckingcold.Butotherwise,yeah.”
“Toomanyyearsinthedesert?”Iteased.
“Probably.”
“Youjustneedwarmerclothes.”Ifhe’dstay,I’dfindhimthebestwinterwardrobearound.“FavoritepartaboutQuincy?Andyoucan’tsayFosterbecauseIalreadyknowhe’syourfavorite.Andyoucan’tsaysexwithmeeverynighteitherbecauseobviouslythat’samazing.Youhavetopickafavoritethingoraplaceorsomethinglikethat.”
Jasperopenedhismouth.“The—”
“Andyoucan’tsaytheA-frame.”
Hestoppeddancing.“Doyouwanttojusttellmewhatmyfavoriteisthen?”
“TheEloiseInn?”
Jasperchuckled,shakinghishead.“That’syourfavorite.”
“I’llshareit.Youhavetoadmitit’sprettyfantastic.”
“It’sprettyfantastic.”
“See?Iknewitwasyourfavorite.”
Heflashedmethosestraight,whiteteethashiseyescrinkledatthesides.
“You’resohandsomewhenyousmile.”Itracedmyfingeracrosshisbottomlip.“Ilikeitwhenyousmile.”
“Ilikeitwhenyousmiletoo.”Heresumedourdance,matchingourstepstothebeatoftheband’sslowmelody.“Nextquestion?”
“HowdidyouknowIwasgoingtoaskanotherquestion?”
“YournameisEloiseEden.”
Igiggled.“HowmanytimeshaveyoubeentoItaly?”
“Three.”
“Areyouhavingfunonthistrip?”
“Yes.”
Score.“Metoo.Ididn’texpecttohavefun,especiallytonight.”
“NeitherdidI,angel,”hemurmured.
Takethat,Samantha.
Ithadbeentooeasytopretendtonight,tofallintothisillusionofahappilymarriedcouple.Anditfeltsorealthatmyhopesweresoaringbeyondthelimitsofmycontrol.Tomorrow,whenrealitycamecrashingback,itwasgoingtobeasmiserableasthechampagnehangoverI’dundoubtedlyhave.
But…itwasn’ttomorrowyet.
“Howmany—”
Awomanappearedatourside,cuttingmyquestionshort.
Herblondhairwassweptintoachignon.Onherwristwasadelicaterosecorsage.TheresemblancetoSamanthawasuncanny.Thishadtobehermother.
“Ashley.”Jasperstoppedourdance,shiftingmeuntilIwastuckedagainsthisside,hisbodyslightlyinfrontofmine.Likeashield.
“Hello,Jasper.”Ashleysmiled,offeringhercheek.
Hekisseditbuthisarmbandedaroundmyhipstayedfirm.“Congratulations.”
“Thankyou.”Shekeptherentirefocusonhim,hergazenotevenflickingmydirection.ApparentlyIwasn’tworthacknowledging.
Orintroducing.
Jasperdidn’tgivemeanodeither.
Geethanks.
“Charmingwedding,”hesaid.“ThoughIexpectednothingless.”
“SinceIdidn’tgettopartakeinyours,Iinsertedmyselffullyintothisone.MuchtoSamantha’sdismay.”
Jasper’ssmilewastight.Cold.“Weappreciatetheinvitation.”
“Honestly,Ididn’tthinkyou’dcome.”Ashley’sattentionshiftedtome.Thesneeronherface,theopendisdain,wassomethingthiswomanhadclearlypracticedfordecades.
AndhereIwasthinkingwe’descapedthedrama.Damn.
Ismiledwider,leaningintoJasperandputtingmyhandonhisstomach.Don’tsaysomethingrude.Don’tsaysomethingrude.Bysomemiracle,Imanagedtokeepmymouthshut.
ThiswasthewelcomeI’dexpectedfromhisparents,theconfrontationI’dpreparedfor.Thenastyglares.Thehostility.We’dbeensoclosetoavoidingittonight.
“Jasper.”Amanclappedhimontheshoulder,holdingouthishand.“Goodtoseeyou.Imeanttocomesayhelloearlierbutit’sbeenabusynight.”
“John.”Jasperdippedhischin.“Congratulations.”
“Thankyou.”Johndidn’tignoremeandhisstarewasmorecautiousthancallous.
“Thisismywife,Eloise.”JasperloosenedhisgripsoIcouldshakeJohn’shand.
“Pleasure,”Ilied.
“Mineaswell.”Johnkeptaholdofmyhand.“Ihaven’tgottentodanceallevening.MayIcutin?”
Oh,no.Iopenedmymouthtoprotest,butJohnwasalreadycrowdingJasperoutoftheway,tuggingmeintohisarms.
Jasper’sjawflexedbuthedidn’tstealmeaway.Instead,whenAshleymovedintostealmyplace,armsraisedforhimtotakethelead,hedancedwithher.
Well,shit.
Thiswasawkward.
“Beautifulevening,”Isaid.Howmuchlongerwasthissong?
“Itis,”Johnsaid.“Weddingsarealwaysagreatexcusetobringpeopletogether.It’sbeentoolongsincewe’veseenJasper.”
“He’sjustsobusy.It’shardforhimtogetaway.”
John’seyes,thesamemuddycolorashisdaughter’s,narrowed.“FromMontana.”
“Yes.That’swherewelive.”
“Andyouworkatamotel?”
DidIwanttoknowhowheknewaboutme?Nope.“Imanagemyfamily’shotel.”
“Hospitalityisanecessaryindustry.”Spokenlikeatruedouchebagwhosnubbedthoseheconsideredbeneathhisstation.
“Jaspermentionedyou’reinpolitics,isthatright?”
Hegavemeacurtnod,almostlikehewasoffendedthatI’dswitchedthetopicofconversationwhilehewastryingtorunmedown.
Afewfeetaway,whateverAshleywassayingtoJaspercouldn’thavebeengood,giventhatangrymuscleinhisjawwasflexing.
“It’snoteasytoseeJasperwithanotherwoman.”
MygazewhippedtoJohn’s,butIbitmytongue,holdingbackasnarkyretort.Oraneducationabouthischeatingdaughter.
“Theyhaveanunbreakablebond,”hesaid.
“Yetitbroke.”Aboutthetimeshe’dtakenanotherman’scock.Ismiledsweetly.“SoI’llhavetodisagreewithyouropinion.”
“It’safact,mydear.Oneknownbyeverypersoninthisroom.”
“Evenyournewson-in-law?Yikes.Poorguy.Hemustfeelverywelcomeinyourhome.”
John’snostrilsflared.“He,unlikeyou,isn’tblindtoreality.”
Mygazedriftedaroundus,andforthefirsttimetonight,Isawapointedstare.Awomanturnedawaytoofastwhenshemetmygaze.Hadpeoplebeenstaringatmeallnight?Pityingme?
Didtheyseemeassomepatheticstand-in?ThewomanwhocouldnevercompeteforJasper’sheart?Notwhenithadbelongedtothewomaninawhitegown.
Thewomanhe’dlovedhisentirelife.
“There’sareasonyou’reinItaly.”Johnbentlowertospeakdirectlyinmyear.“JasperwillneverletgoofSamantha.Hemightpretendtocare.Hemightevenbefoolinghimself.Butatsomepoint,he’llrealizeit’sfake.Andthenyou’lldisappear.IhavenodelusionsSamantha’smarriagewilllast.Andonceitfizzles,they’llfindtheirwaybacktoeachother.”
Fake.JasperandIwerefake.Andoh,howIhatedthatword.
IttookeverythingIhadtohideareaction.Tokeepithiddenthathe’dfiredashotandhitmestraightintheheart.Betough.“LikeIsaid,I’llhavetodisagreewithyouropinions.”
“You’reastupidgirltobelieveyou’reanythingotherthanafleetingdistraction,”hewhispered.
AstupidgirlJasperhadmarriedonadrunkenwhim.
Amistake.
“Thanksforthedance.”Withonepurposefulstep,Ipulledaway.
Jasper’sarmswerewaiting.
HesweptmeawayfromJohnandAshley,thepairexchangingalooklikethey’dplannedthatinterruptionallnight.
“Whatdidhesay?”Jasperasked.
“Nothingnice,”Iadmitted,strugglingtobreathe.
“I’msorry.”
Ishrugged,swallowingthelumpinmythroat.Don’tcry.“Itwasboundtohappen.Youwarnedmeaboutit,right?”
Mymistakehadbeenthinkingwe’dgetthatattitudefromhisownparents,notSamantha’s.Nobathroomrun-intonight.Justanambushonthedancefloor.
AsJasperledusaround,Iscannedtheroomagain.Peoplewerestaring.Whispering.
Damn,Iwasanidiot.HowcouldIhaveletmyselfbelievethiswasreal?
StupidEloise.
MaybeSamanthahadbrokenhisheart,hadbetrayedhistrust,buthe’dlovedherforyears.Wewereatherwedding,weren’twe?MaybeJohnwasright.
MaybeJasperwouldn’teverreallylethergo.
Mychestached,andtheswellingofemotionsmadeithardtobreathe.Goddamnit.Don’tcry.Iwouldnotcrytonight.
“Askmeanotherquestion,El.”
“I’malloutofquestions.”Myvoicecracked.
“Askme.”Hislipscaressedmyforeheadashespoke.“Please.”
Itwasthepleasethatmadetearsfloodmyeyes.ButIblinkedthemaway,refusingtolettheassholesinthisroomwin.“What’syourfavoritecityintheworld?”
“Paris.”
Itwasonmybucketlist.
“Haveyoubeen?”heasked.
Ishookmyhead.“Someday.”
SomedayI’dvisitalltheprettycities.I’daddmorestampstomypassport.Maybe,ifIwaslucky,themanwhocamewithmeonthosetripswouldbefreetolovemetoo.
“Comeon.”Jasperbrokethedance,claspedmyhandandledmefromtheballroom.HisstridesweresolongthatIhadtoskipeverycouplestepstokeepup.
Hewalkedstraightfortheelevatorandhitthebuttonforourfloor,diggingakeycardfromhispocketthemomentwereachedlevelthree.Asheheadeddownthehallway,hepulledouthisphonefromhisjacket,quicklytypinginsomethingbeforepressingittohisear.
“Whoareyoucalling?”Iasked,rushingtokeepup.
Hekeptmoving,unlockingourroom’sdoor.“Yes,IneedacharteredflightfromNaplestoParis.Tonight.Departingintwohours.”
Igasped.
Jasperlookeddownatme,somethingseriousinhisgaze.Thenthecrinklesappeared.Hishandcuppedmycheek,histhumbstrokingmyskin,beforehewavedmeintotheroom.“Gopack.Hurry.”
Pack.ForParis.
Atthemoment,beinganywhereotherthanItaly,thanthishotel,seemedlikeabrilliantidea.
Iflewintoaction,racingaroundtheroomtosweepupeverythingI’dscatteredaroundinthepastcoupleofdays.
Jasperdidthesameashetalkedonthephone,givingourdetailstowhoeverwasontheotherendofthatcall.
HowmuchdiditcosttoflyfromNaplestoParisonawhim?
Atthemoment,Ireallydidn’tcare.Francesoundedliketheperfectescape.
Jasperendedthecall,hissuitcaseandcarry-onbagbothpackedandzippedshutonthebed.Hecametothebathroom,standingatmysidetohelpcollectmytoiletriesfromthecounterwherewe’dscatteredthemearlier,shovingthemintomytravelcase.
“ArewereallygoingtoParis?”Iasked.
Hemetmygazeinthemirror.“We’rereallygoingtoParis.”
***
TheCityofLight.
Parisatdawnwasmagical.
Thestreetswerequiet.Onlyafewcarstraveledalongthesleepyroads.Awomanwalkingherdogpassedby,butotherthanthemurmuredFrenchshespokeintoherphone,thecitywasstilltuckedinfromlastnight.
JasperandIstoodonthePontd’Iéna,theSeineflowingbeneaththebridge’sarchedfeet.Hisgazewasontheriver.MinewaslockedontheEiffelTower,catchingtheearlysun’srays.
Thejethe’dcharteredlastnighthadtoucheddowninParisfivehoursafterwe’drushedfromthehotelinItaly.He’dhailedusanUbertoahotel,butonlysothatwecoulddropoffourluggagebeforethesamecarhadbroughtushere.Justintimetowatchthesunrise.
“Thankyouforbringingmehere,”Iwhispered.
Jasper’schinwasonmyhead,hisarmsaroundmyshoulders.“Dreamcometrue?”
“Andthensome.”
Becauseweweretogether.BecauseI’dletmyselffallintotheillusionagain.
Someday,I’dgobacktoItaly.I’dvisitRomeandTuscany.I’deatmyweightinpastaandgelato.ButIdoubtedI’devercometoParisagain.
ThiswasamemoryIdidn’twantcoveredwithanother.
Thebreezecaughtatendrilofhair,whippingitintomyface.Iwasstillinmydressfromthewedding.Jasperwasinhistux,thoughhe’ddrapedthejacketovermyshoulderstokeepmewarm.
Ayawntuggedatmymouth.
ButIrefusedtomovefromthisspotoradmitIwasexhausted.
IfthiswasmymorninginParis,Iwouldn’twasteit.Sowestoodtogether,lockedtogether,asthecitybegantostir.TouristsandParisianscrossedthebridge.Carsclamoredalongtheroads.OnlywhenthegatestothetoweropeneddidJasperandIfinallyabandonourspotonthebridge.Thenwespentthedayexploring.
FromtheLouvretotheNotre-DameCathedraltothecharming,crowdedstreetsofMontmartre,webarelyskimmedthesurfaceofalltherewastosee,bouncingfromoneplacetothenext.Inanotherlife,eachspotwouldgetanentiredayofitsown,butsinceweonlyhadone,Imadethemostofit.
Untilthesunhadcompleteditsjourneyacrosstheskyandduckedbeyondthehorizon.Untilwewerebackinthesameplacewe’dbeenthismorning.OnthebridgeovertheSeine,standingatthebaseoftheEiffelToweroncemoretowatchitsshimmeringlightsagainstthedarkenedsky.
“Readytogobacktothehotel?”heasked.
“Notyet.”
Myfeetached.Myboneswereweary.Itwasgettingharderandhardertokeepmyeyesopen.
“Thisisadream,”Imurmured,yawningforthehundredthtime.IleanedonJasper,myarmsaroundhiswaist,feelinglikeIcouldsleepstandingup.
Itookonelastlookatthetower,thenclosedmyeyes,committingittomemory.
CommittingthisplaceandJasper,tuckingtheimageawayinthedeepestcornersofmymind,totheplacewhereIvowednevertoforget.
Iftherewaseveraplacetosharebeforeourfinalfarewell,itwashere.
“Wheretonext?”heasked.
“Quincy,Montana.”
Itwastimetogohome.CHAPTERTWENTY-TWOJASPER
“CanIgetyouanything,sir?”theflightattendantasked.
“No.”Ishookmyhead,keepingmyvoicelow.
ShelookedtoEloise,curledintoaballandasleeponmylap,andsmiled.Thenshewenttotherowbehindours,movingontothenextpassengerinthefirst-classcabin.
Irelaxedmyheadagainsttheseat.Wewereonthefinallegofthetriphome,andsleephadbeensporadicsincewe’dleftItaly.
I’dmanagedtocatchafewhoursatthehotelinParis,butbecausewe’dchangedourflighttodepartfromFranceratherthanItaly,we’dhadtobeattheairportearlythismorning.EloisehadsleptsomeontheflightacrosstheAtlantic,butI’dneverbeengreataboutsleeponairplanes.
Justafewmorehours,thenwe’dbehome.Anotherhourofflying,thetwo-hourdrivefromMissoulatoQuincy,thenI’dcrashinmyowndamnbed.
Wecouldbothuseasolidnight’ssleep.
Eloisehadfallenasleepnotlongafterwe’dtakenoffonthisfinalflight,butshe’dkeptjoltingherselfawake,untilfinally,she’dclimbedovertheconsolebetweenusandcurledupinmylap.She’dbeendeadtotheworldeversince.
Iyawned.Exhaustionshouldhavewonout—ithadbeenadamnlongfewdays—butIcouldn’tseemtoshutoffmymind.Icouldn’tstopreplayingwhatAshleyhadtoldmeattheweddingduringthatshortdance.
IthadbeenaloadofbullshitabouthowSamanthawouldalwaysloveme.Howitwasn’ttoolateforus.
IalmostfeltbadforSam’snewhusband.
Almost.
Clearly,Samhadn’tmarriedforlove.
Didsheevenknowwhatlovewas?DidI?WhatSamandI’dsharedhadseemedlikelove.Abond.Attention.Whenstackedsidebysidewithmyparents,whatSamhadgivenme,especiallyinthebeginning,hadresembledlove.Once,longago,I’dbeensodamnsurethatwhatI’dfeltforSamanthawaslove.
Now…
Iwasn’tsure.I’dlearnedmoreaboutlovefromthewomandroolingonmyshoulderinmonthsthanIhadfromyearswithSamantha.
WiththearmnottrappedbeneathEloise,Ipluckedmyphonefromthecup.We’dloadedWi-Fiontobothourphonesincasewewantedtowatchamovie,butnothinghadheldmyinterest,soIcheckedtoseeiftherewereanymissedtextsoremails.
Nosurprise,therewasnothingfrommyparents.Notextaskingifwewerestillmeetingforbrunch.They’dprobablyarrivedattherestaurantandcompletelyforgottenthey’deveninvitedEloiseandmetotagalong.
Ormaybethey’dbeenrelievedwhenwehadn’tshownup.
Itstung.Woulditalways?WouldthereevercomeatimewhenIcouldseethemandnothopethatthey’dcare?Notevenmeetingmywifecouldsparktheirinterest.They’dbeenhappiertalkingtotheirfriendslastnightthantheirsonandnewdaughter-in-law.
Itwasonethingforthemtodismissme.ButEloise?
Shelookedsoyoungtoday,herfacewithoutmakeupandherhairpulledup.Shewasinapairofgraysweatsandamatchingsweatshirtwithsleevesthatfelltoherfingertips.
Maybethisangertowardmyparentshadnothingtodowithme.MaybeitwasforEloise.
Shedeservedbetterthanthey’doffered.
Webothdid.
Ipressedakisstoherforehead,thenwentbacktomyphone,scrollingtotheemailthatI’dbeenignoringsinceFriday.
ItwasfromthefighterI’dmetwithinVegas.Heneededanansweraboutthejoboffer.
Sowithonehand,Itypedoutmyreply.
EloisestirredthemomentIhitsend,likeshe’dfelttheweightofthatdecision.“Hi.”Hereyelidsweretooheavytoopen.Sosheletthemfallclosedandsnuggleddeeper,curlingherhandsbeneathherchin.“Howmuchlonger?”
“Notlong.”
Shesighedand,thistime,openedhereyesforgood,sittingupstraightandclimbingoffmylap.
Ishookoutthearmthathadbeenbehindher.Ithadfallenasleepfiveminutesaftershehad.
Onayawn,Eloisesnaggedherphonefromthebackpackatherfeet.Whatevershereadonthescreenmadehergasp.
“What’swrong?”
“OhmyGod.”Sheansweredbyhandingitover.
TherewasatextopenfromTaylor.Ihadn’tmetherbutEloisehadtalkedaboutthegirlenoughIknewsheworkedatthehoteldesk.
I’msosorrytobotheryouonvacationbutBlazecameintothehoteltodayeventhoughhewasn’tscheduledtowork.HewouldhardlyleavethefrontdeskandeverytimeItoldhimIwasworkingandcouldn’ttalk,he’djustignoreme.
“WhoisBlaze?”Iasked.
“Mymom’scollegeroommatemovedtoQuincy.HernameisLydia.Blazeisherseventeen-year-oldson.MomaskedifI’dgivehimajob.IguesshewasstrugglingandLydiathoughtajobmightdohimsomegood.”
SoAnnehadaskedforafavor.“That’sthekidyouweretraininglastweekend?”
Eloisenodded,pinchingthebridgeofhernose.
She’dgonetoworkallweekendtotrainanewhousekeeper,butIhadn’taskedfordetails.Whenshe’dcomehome,she’dbeenexhausted.I’dassumeditwasbecauseshe’dbeenworkingsohardtogetreadyforthetrip.
Taylor’stextwasbrokenintotwosoIkeptonscrolling,readingthesecondmessage.
Whilehewastalking,abirdhitoneofthefrontwindows.Hewentouttogetitandeventhoughitwasn’tdeadhebroughtitinsideanyway.Whenittriedtoflyaway,hebrokeitsneck.Istartedcryingandcalledmymom.Shesaidthatifhekeepsworkingatthehotel,thenI’llhavetofindadifferentjob.BlazefinallyleftwhenMateocameinbutIwantedyoutoknow.I’msorry.
“Whatthehell?”Blazehadkilledabird?Infrontofateenagegirl?“That’sfuckedup.”
“Yep.”Eloisetookthephone,typingoutareplytoTaylor.Shehitsend,thentuckeditinherbackpack.“He’sfired.IhatefiringpeoplebutIdon’tthinkI’llmindthistime.”
“Idon’twantyoudoingitalone.”
“I’llbefine.I’lltakecareofit.”
“Lookatme,”Iordered,waitinguntilIhadthoseblues.“Notalone,Eloise.Callme.Callyourdad.Calloneofyourbrothers.Butyoudon’ttalktothiskidalone.Please.”
Shesighed.“I’llhavetochangetheschedule.Idon’twantTayloratthefrontdeskaloneanymore.”
“Idon’twantyoutherealoneeither.”
“Well,that’snotanoption,”shemuttered.“Inevershouldhavehiredhim.Whatamess.”
“Yourmother’smess.Sheputyouinthisposition.”
“Iknow.ButIcouldhavetoldherno.”
“Andhowwouldthathavegoneover?”
Eloisefiddledwithherfingersinherlap.“Sheprobablywouldhavebeenupset.”
“Exactly.”Mymolarsgroundtogether.“Yourparentsgetmadbecauseyou’retooclosetoyouremployees.Yetyourmompressuresyoutohireherfriend’skid.Howisthisdifferent?”
“Well,hopefullythistimewewon’tgetsued.”
Ihuffed.“Makeyourmotherfirehim.”
“Shedidn’thirehim.Idid.Ultimately,it’smyresponsibility.SoI’lldealwithit.”
“Butyoushouldn’thaveto.Sheshouldn’thaveaskedyoutodothisinthefirstplace.”
“Iknow,Jasper.”Shewrappedherarmsaroundherwaist,hershoulderscurlingforward.
Theseatbeltlightturnedonaboveus,followedbyachimethatfilledtheplane’scabin.Thenthepilotcameontheintercom,announcingwe’dbestartingourdescent.
Therewasmoretosayaboutherparents,aboutthissituationwithBlaze,butIbitmytongue,waitinguntilwewereofftheplaneandleavingtheairporttodrivehome.
Themomentwewereonthehighway,Istretchedahandacrosstheconsole,coveringherknee.“WhenIsaidIdon’twantyoutofireBlazealone,it’snotbecauseIdon’tthinkyoucandoit.Idon’ttrustthatkid.”
“It’snotthat.”Shewaveditoff.“It’smyparents.You’resoquicktocriticizeMom.”
Myjawclenched.“Youagreed.Yourmothershouldn’thaveaskedyoutohirethiskid,especiallyifsheknewhehadproblems.”
“Idon’tthinksheknew.Trustme,whenshefindsoutaboutthis,she’sgoingtobetentimesmoreupsetthanIam.AndlikeIsaid,Icouldhave—shouldhave—toldherno.”
Ipulledmyhandaway,wrappingitaroundthesteeringwheelsoIhadsomethingtosqueeze.“Butyoudidn’t.Becauseyoudidn’twanttocausetrouble,right?Becausetheyholdthathoteloveryourheadlikeagoddamnstringandyou’retheirpuppet.”
Eloiseflinched.“Jasper.”
“TellmeI’mwrong.”
Theheavysilencethatfilledthecabwasanswerenough.
“Yourdreamisthathotel,”Isaid.“Youworkyourassoff.Theywantyoutobethishard-asspersoninsteadofwhoyoureallyare.Yougiveiteverythingyouhave,andit’sstillnotgoodenoughforyourparents.”
“That’snotfair.”
“Isn’tit?”Iscoffed.“Westayedmarriedbecauseyouwereterrifiedthey’dtakeitawayfromyou.Thatthey’dthinklessofyou.Becausedeepdown,theyhavemadeyouafraidthatthey’llgivethathoteltosomeoneelse.”
Eloiseshookherhead.“You’retwistingthisaround.Theysupportme.”
“Theyhaveastrangefuckingwayofshowingit,”Imuttered.“Havetheyeversaidcongratulationsafterwegotmarried?”
“Isthiswhyyouwereactingsostrangeattheranch?Whyyouavoidthem?Becauseyouthinktheydon’tsupportmeorthattheyaren’thappyforme?”
“I’mnotgoingtopretendIlikeyourparents.”
“Jasper.”Hermouthparted.“Don’tsaythat.”
Ishotheraflatlook.“SoyoucansayyouhatemyparentsbutIcan’ttakeissuewithyours?”
Eloisewinced.Thenhereyesfloodedwithtears.
Fuck.Toofar.I’dtakenittoofar.
Shehadeveryrighttodislikemyparents.Hell,Idislikedmyparents.Butshelovedhers.AndI’djustputherinthepositiontochoose.
Herfamily.Orme.
Tensionsettledthickandswelteringinthecab.Thewhirlofthetiresonpavementwastheonlysoundformiles.EloisekepthergazepointedoutthepassengerwindowasIfocusedontheroad.
ItshouldhavebeenarelieftoseetheA-frame.Itwasn’t.
“You’reright,”shewhisperedasIparked.“Allofit.ButIlovemyparentsanyway.”
Thatwaswhoshewas.
Eloiseloved.
Withoutconditions.Withouthesitation.Evenwhensomepeoplemightnotdeserveit.Likeme.DidIdeserveit?
“Theirheartsareintherightplace,”shesaid.
“Arethey?”Fuck,Iwasbeingadick.Whycouldn’tIjustdropthissubject?
“Yousaiditwasokayifmyfamilyhatedyou.”Herchinquivered.“Thatitwouldbeeasierthatway.Butwhatyoureallymeantwasitwasokayifyouhatedthem.Thatitwouldbeeasierforyou.”
Thenaildrovestraightthroughmychest.
Yes,itwouldbeeasier.
Towalkaway.Tocutties.
Eloisesniffled,wipingunderhereyesbeforeatearcouldfall.“That,rightthere,isthereasonIhateyourparents.WhyIhateSamantha,despitehowmuchyouclaimtoloveher.Youdon’tgettotellmeI’mscared,Jasper.Notwhenyou’rejustasafraid.You’vebuiltafortressaroundyourselfbecauseyou’resoscaredthatyou’lllovesomeoneandthey’llleaveyou.Youpusheveryoneawaybeforetheyevenhavethechancetogetclose.”
Mychesttwisted.
“El—”
Sheshovedoutofthecar,thenhauledoutherbags,takingtheminsidebeforeIcouldhelp.
Idraggedahandthroughmyhair,tippingmyheadtotheYukon’sroof.“Fuck.”
Shewasright.Sodamnright.Butbetweenthewedding,seeingSam,thetriptoParis,Iwascomingapartattheseams.EloiseandIneededtotalk,exceptatthemoment,Ididn’ttrustmyselftoarticulatemyfeelings.Tosayitright.SoIshutitalldown,focusingonasingletask.
Gettingthemail.
IshovedoutoftheYukonandwalkeddownthedriveway.Theclean,mountainairdidn’tdoadamnthingtoloosenthepressureinmychest.Everystepfeltheavierandheavier.ButIkeptonwalking.BythetimeIreturnedtothecabin,maybeI’dhaveaclueaboutwhattosay.
Tofixthis.
YesterdayinParishadbeenincredible.AdayI’dneverforget.Ididn’twanttoruinthistripwithafight.
Insidethemailboxweretwomagazines,bothforEloise,andawhiteenvelopesolargeithadbeencurledinhalftofit.Ituckedthemagazinesunderanarm,theninspectedtheenvelope.
ItwasaddressedtoEloisefromMisnerFamilyLaw.Herattorney.
Mystomachdropped.
Islidmyfingerbeneaththeenvelope’sseal,pryingitopen.Eloisewasalreadymad.Shecouldaddinvasionofprivacytoherlist.
Withacarefultug,Ieasedthedocumentsfromtheenvelopeenoughtoreadthetoppage.
NotthatIneededto.IalreadyknewwhatI’dfindinside.
Divorcepapers.CHAPTERTWENTY-THREEELOISE
Jasperstoodonthedeck,coffeecupinhand.HewasinjeansandaT-shirt,hisfeetbare.Hestaredatthetrees.
Istaredathim.
Inthepasttwodays,I’dseenmoreofhisbackthanIhadinallofourtimetogether.
WheneverIcameintotheroom,heleft.Atnight,he’dsleepfacingonewallwhileIstaredattheother.
Myentirebodyfeltheavy.Mymuscleswerenearlyaswearyasmyheart.NeverinmylifehadIfeltthistired.Twosleeplessnights.Twodaysspentfightingtears,andthebattlehaddrainedmeentirely.
Jasperliftedhismug,takingasipofcoffee.Hedidn’tsomuchasglanceintothehouse.
Wasthishowitwouldend?Insilence?
Thelumpinmythroatwasashardasarock,butIswalloweditdown.Itlandedinmyemptystomachlikeasledgehammer.Withmypurseslungoverashoulder,IswipedmykeysfromthekitchencounterandwalkedoutoftheA-frame.
Myfakemarriagewasfallingapart.
ButatleastIhadTheEloise.Mymarriagetothathotelwasasrealasthemorningsun,andforyetanotherday,she’dbemysalvation.SoIclimbedinmycaranddroveintotown.
Mymentalto-dolisthadexplodedthepasttwodayswithnothingbutyuck.
Searchforanewrental.
Callmylawyer.
Andatthetopofthelist,FireBlaze.
Ihatedmyto-dolist.Couldn’tIrewindtimeacoupledays?
OnSunday,JasperandIhadbeenexploringParis.Ithadbeen,withoutcontest,thebestdayofmylife.Aswe’dwalked,handinhand,I’dactuallyconvincedmyselfhecared.Thathemightloveme.
Maybehedid.Atleast,maybehelovedapartofme.
Except,forbetterorworse,myfamilywastheotherpart.Myparents,mybrothersandsisters,wereapieceofmyheart.TheEdenscameasapackageddeal.
Jaspercouldn’tcareformeanddespisethem.
He’dmadehispointonthedrivehome.Itwasn’tfairformetovoicemydislikeforhisparentsandexpecthimtokeepquiet.Andhe’dmadeanotherpointaboutMomandDadsupportingme.
Yes,Iwasscaredtolosethehotel.
Butattheendoftheday,Itrustedthem.Ihadfaiththattheylovedme,thattheywantedthebestformylife.IftheydecidedthatIdidn’thavewhatittooktoownTheEloiseInn,Iknewthatdecisionwouldbepainfulforthemtomake.They’donlydoitbecauseitwasthebestdecision.Becausetheyknew,ifthathotelfailedundermycontrol,itwouldbedevastating.
Itwasn’tablack-and-whitesituation.ButIdidn’tknowhowtoexplainthattoJasper.Notwhenhisparentshadbeenso…cold.
TheonlywayJasperwasgoingtoseethebeautyofmyfamilywasbylivingit.Byputtingupwithmybrothers.Bygettingtoknowmysisters.Byseeingthelovemyparentsgaveusunconditionally.
HowwasIevergoingtoshowhimwhatafamilyshouldlooklikewhenhelockedthemout?Whenhewalkedaway?
Itwasover,wasn’tit?
We’dendonthishorrible,heart-wrenchingfight.AndIhadn’tevenhadthechancetoshowJasperwhyhewassowonderful.Whyhedeservedlove.
Myeyesflooded.Ibrushedtheskinbeneathmylashes.ItwaspracticallyrawfromhowmanytearsI’dsweptawayinthepasttwodays.ThenIpulledintothealleybehindTheEloise,parkingbesideKnox’struck,andheadedinside.
Themorningwasablurofactivity.NotonlywasIplayingcatch-upfrombeinggone,butwewerepreppingforoneofthebusiestholidayweekendsoftheyear
IndependenceDayweekendinQuincywasarollercoaster,acarnivalofamusementandchaos.Touristsflockedtoenjoythelocalfestivities—aparadealongMainandthecountyrodeo.Fireworksatdark.Dancingandruckusesatthelocalbars.
Thehotelwasbookedsolid.
ItwouldbeallhandsondeckthisweekendforeveryEdenbusiness.TaliawouldtaketheweekendofffromthehospitaltohelpLylaatthecoffeeshop.GriffinandDadwouldbeoncalltorunerrandstothehardwarestoreorthegrocerystoreforwhateveranyoneneeded.MomwouldlikelybouncebetweenEdenCoffeeorKnucklestohelpKnox.
Andwhoeverwasn’tbusywouldbehelpingatthehotel.
Butnomatterhowbusywewere,weallmadeitapointtocongregateatthefairgroundstowatchtherodeo.Itwastradition.
HadJaspereverbeentoarodeo?
He’dshownmeParis,thecityofmydreams.AndallIwantedwastositbesidehim,drinkabeerandteachhimthedifferencebetweensaddleandbarebackbroncriding.
Wouldheevenstickarounduntilthen?OrwashepackinguptheA-frame?HadheacceptedthatjobinVegas?
ThethoughtofJasperleavingmademyentirebodyache,soIshoveditasideandfocusedonwork,bidingmytimeuntilanangrykidwithblackhairandthickglasseswalkedthroughthefrontdoors.
Blazecrossedthelobby,hiseyesonthefloorandhisshoulderscurledin.Hewasinthoseawfuljeansagain.TheFuckYouMomshadbeentouchedupatthethighsandknees.
Thiskid.Heneededmorethanajob.
“Hi,Blaze.”
Heblinked.
“Thanksforcomingintoday,”Isaid.“Givemeoneminute.”
Mateohadcomeinearliertohelpout.He’dbeeninstallingashelfI’dboughtforthebreakroom,soIshothimatext,askingifhecouldwatchthefrontdeskforafewminutes.
Hecamestridingdownthehallwayminuteslater,givingBlazeaflatlook.
“We’llbeintheoffice,”Itoldhim.
“Takeyourtime.”ThelookhesentBlazewasfullofwarning.
Jasperwasn’ttheonlymaninmylifenotkeenonthiskidandmebeingalone.
Butdespiteeveryoneelse’sopinions,thiswasmymess.Notmymother’s,mine.Ishouldhavetoldherno.SinceIhadn’t,thenI’dfixthismistake.
SoIescortedBlazetomyoffice,takingthechairbehindthedeskIrarelysatatwhilehesatontheoppositeside.MyheartthumpedasIfacedhim,mypalmsclammy.God,Ihatedfiringpeople,evenstrangekidswhocreepedoutmydeskclerks.ButIkeptmyshouldersstraight,mychinheldhigh.AndIcrisplydeliveredthelinesI’dpracticedoverandoverlastnightwhenIhadn’tbeenabletosleep.
“Blaze,I’mgoingtohavetoletyougo.Iappreciateyourtimehere.Unfortunately,thishasn’tbeenafitforourhousekeepingdepartment.”Iheldmybreath,waitingforhisreaction.
Therewasnooutburstorargument.Blazesimplyshrugged.“Fine.Thiswasmymom’sfuckingideaanyway.WhendoIgetmymoney?”
“Yourfinalpaycheckwillbesenttoyouraddressonrecordwhenweprocesspayrollonthefirst.”
Hestoodfromthechairandlethimselfoutoftheoffice.
Huh.That’sit?Well,atleastonethinghadgonerighttoday.
Istoodfrommyownchair,thenflippedoffthelightasIlefttheroom,rejoiningMateoatthedesk.
“How’dthatgo?”heasked.
Iliftedashoulder.“Couldhavebeenworse.”
Mateoglancedpastmetowardthefireplace.
Blazestoodstaringupatthehearth’scolumnofstonethattoweredtotherafters.
Ididadoubletake.Damnit.“He’sstillhere?”
JustwhenI’dthoughtthishadbeeneasy.
Isuckedinafortifyingbreath,thenwalkedtowardthecouches.“Blaze,wastheresomethingelseyouneeded?”
Hekepthisgazefixedtotheceiling.“Taylorisworkingtoday,right?”
“Um…”Howthehelldidheknowthat?I’djustcalledheracouplehoursagotoseeifshewantedafewmorehours.She’dagreedtositatthedeskwhileIfinishedthenextscheduleanddocumentedBlaze’stermination.Howdidheknowshewascomingin?“Didshetellyouthat?”
Maybetheywerefriends?
“Isawherwalking.Shewasinherworkclothes.”
Thehairsonthebackofmyneckstoodup.
TaylordroveherHondaCivictoworkbecauseherfamilylivedoutoftownafewmiles.Sure,shecouldhavecomedowntownearly.Maybeshe’dstoppedbythecoffeeshoporanotherstoreonMainandthat’swhenhe’dspottedher.Butregardless,whenshewalkedthroughthesedoors,Ididn’twanthimheretogreether.
“WhydoyouneedtoseeTaylor?”
Hedroppedhischin,andforthefirsttime,helookedmeintheeyes.
Achillraceddownmyspine.
Yeah,thiskidhadtogo.
“IwanttotellherIgotfired,”hesaid.
Becausehethoughtitwasherfault?Icouldn’ttellwiththatflattone.
“I’llbesuretoletherknow.”Iheldahandouttowardthedoor.“Thanksagainforcomingintoday.I’msureI’llseeyouaroundtown.”
Hecockedhisheadtothesideandaswoopofthatblackhairfellintohisface.Butotherwise,hedidn’tmove.
“Blaze,youneedtoleave.Youcan’tstayhere.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIsaidso.”Andapparently,I’djustbecomemymother.
Anditwasthewrongthingtosay.IfBlaze’sgazehadbeencoldbefore,itwasarcticnow.
Goosebumpsbrokeoutonmyforearms,andsuddenly,Isawthekidwho’dbroughtaninjuredbirdinsidethisbuildingandbrokenitsneck.
“IwanttotalktoTaylor,”hesaid.
“Well,shewon’tbeheretodayafterall.”Ipulledmyphonefrommypocketandsentheraquicktext.
Changeofplan.Don’tcometothehotel.I’llcallyoulater.
IfBlazehadanunhealthyobsessionwithTaylor,thelastplaceIwantedherwasinthislobby.
Withmyphonetuckedaway,Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“Timetogohome,Blaze.”
Hestaredatme.Unmoving.
Ugh.Ididn’thavetimeforteenagerstoday.
Thelobbydooropened.
Shit.Taylor.Myheartclimbedintomythroataswebothlookedtowardthedoor.
ButitwasJasper.
Hestrodeintothelobby,dressedlikehe’dcomefromthegym.Hisblackshortsaccentuatedthestrengthinhisthighsanddisplayedthedefinitioninhiscalves.ThatwhiteT-shirtstretchedacrosshisbroadchestandhuggedhisropedarms.
Abodyrefinedtoperfection.Abodyhonedfromtimespentthrowingpunchesandkicks.
Jasper’shairwastrappedbeneathafadedbaseballhat.Combinedwiththatclenchofhisjaw,itgavehimamenacing,intimidatingedge.
AnynormalkidprobablywouldhavecoweredwithJasperstalkinghisway,stoppingbehindthenearestcouch,armscrossed.
NotBlaze.Thoughhisglarewithered,justenough.
“Blaze,”Isnapped.“Goodbye.”
Hislipcurled.“Bitch.”
“Watchit,”Jasperrumbled.“That’smywife.”
Forafractionofasecond,Iletmyselfbelievethatstatement.Iletitlightentheweightonmyshoulders.
That’smywife.
Thenthesadnesscamewhirlinginlikeawinterstorm,coatingeverythingwithice.Theheavinessinmybonesreturned.
No,Iwasn’thiswife.Notthewayitmattered.
ThatstinginmynosethreatenedtearsIcouldn’tcry,notyet.I’dsavethemforlater,afterIusheredthiskidoutofmyhotel.
“Thisispublicproperty,”Blazesneered.“Icanbehere.”
“Correction,”Isaid.“We’reopentothepublic,butmakenomistake,thisismybuilding.AndIgettosaywhostaysandwhogoes.Consideryourselfnolongerwelcome.”
“Fuckyou,lady.”
Ipointedtothedoor.“Nowyou’vegotataglineforyournextpairofjeans.”
HeglancedbackandforthbetweenJasperandmeforalongmoment.Thenfinally,Blazehuffedandstormedforthedoor,rippingitopenashewalkedoutside.Heliftedahand,flippingusoffashecrossedthefrontwindows.Thenheroundedthecorneranddisappeared.
“Well,thatwentgreat.”Theairrushedfrommylungs.“He’sgoingtoeggmyhotel,isn’the?Dokidseveneggbuildingsanymore?Ordotheygostraightforthespraypaint?”
Iwasjoking.Sortof.Rightnow,withJasperstaringatme,Ineededtomakeajoke,evenifneitherofuslaughed.
Jasperplantedhishandsonhiships.“WhatdidIsayaboutmeetingwiththatkidalone?”
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose.“Iknow.”
“Hey.”Mateo’shandlandedonmyshoulder.Whenhadhewalkedover?“Youokay?”
“IneedtotalktoTaylorandcallhermother.AndthencallMomandtellhertotalktoLydia.”ThoughIdoubtedBlaze’smotherhadmuchcontroloverthatboy.
Ipulledmyphonefrommypocket.Taylorhadrepliedokay.“Wouldyoumakesurehe’sreallygone?”IaskedMateo.
Henodded.“Youdidgood.”
“Thanks.”Myeyesflooded.Pridefrommybrothershouldn’thavebeenthetippingpoint,butitwasalltoomuch.Therewerenoemptyspacestoabsorbit.Noextrastrengthtocarryit.
Mateosqueezedmyshoulder,thenwalkedoutside,followingBlaze’spathpastthewindows.
Closingmyeyes,Idraggedinacalmingbreath.Itdidn’thelp.Notevenalittle.
TheheatfromJasper’sbody,hiswarmth,hitmeatthesametimeashisscent.Thenhisknucklesgrazedmycheek.“Youokay?”
“Great,”Ilied,openingmyeyes.
Itwasthelookonhisfacethatbrokeme.Theconcern.Thefear.
Thetearsspilledovermycheeks.
“You’renotokay.”
Moretearswelled,sofasthebecameablur.“It’sjetlag.”
“Eloise.”
“Don’t.”Asobbrokefree.“Don’tsaymynamelikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
“LikeI’myourwife.”Myvoicecrackedwithmyheart.Toomuch.Itwasjusttoomuch.
Thetidesofbattlehadturned,andIwasabouttogetslaughteredbymyowngoddamnemotions.
SoIburiedmyfaceinmyhandstomufflethecries,tocatchthetears,asthebreakdownI’dbeenfightingfortwodaysfinallywonitswar.
“Hey.”Jasperhauledmeagainsthischest,hisarmswrappingmetight.
Therewasn’tenoughstrengthinmyhearttopushhimaway,soIburroweddeep,soakinghisshirtwithmytearsandlettingthewordsinmyheartflowfree.
“Iknowthisistheend.Ijustdidn’texpectittofeellikethis.AndIdon’twanttoenditfighting.”
Ididn’twantittoend.Period.
“It’snottheend.”
Iwantedthissobadly,Icouldhaveswornhe’dsaiditwasn’ttheend.Myimaginationwasjustplainmeansomedaysanditonlymademecryharder.
“Eloise,lookatme.”Jasperunwrappedhisarms,takingmyfaceinhishands.Hegavemeamomenttogetmyselftogetherandlisten.“Igotthedivorcepapers.”
Ouch.Damnit,thishurt.“Ididn’trealizeyourattorneywassendingthem.”
“Notmine,angel.Yours.”
“Oh.”Guessthatitemwasoffmyto-dolist.
“Ithrewtheminthetrash.”
Mybrainwastoofoggedtokeepup.“Wait.Youdid?Becausetherewassomethingwrongwiththemor—”
“It’snottheend.”
“It’snot?”
“No.”Heshookhishead,hiseyessearchingmine.“Youaremywife.”
“Butyouwon’tevenwearyourring,”Iblurted,thenarushofemotionhitagain.Confusion.Joy.
Toomuch.SoIburiedmyfaceinJasper’sshirtandlethimholdmewhileIcried.Hard.
Wasthishappening?Whenthetearsslowed,whenthesobsturnedtohiccups,Idrewinalonginhaleofhiscologneandunburiedmyfacefromhischest.“Areyousure?”
“Thatyou’remywife?”Hislipspressedagainstmyhair.“I’msure.”
Thereliefnearlysentmetomyknees.ButIclungtohisshirt,fistingitinmyhandslikeIwaswrappingmyfingersaroundhisheart.Ifheevertriedtoleave,I’ddraghisassbacktoQuincy.
Backtome.
“It’snottheend,”Irepeated.
“It’snottheend.”
Alaughbubbledfree.Iunpeeledmyselffromhischest,searchingthosedarkeyes.
Theyhadthecrinklesatthesides.
Hekissedme,dragginghistongueacrossmybottomlip,slowandsavoring.Itonlylastedamomentbeforeheslantedhismouthovermineanddelved,claimingeverycornerofmymouth.
Iletthatkisssinkintomywearysoul,tocalmsomeofthestorm.
HisshirtwassoakedandwrinkledwhenIfinallyletitgo.
“Sorry.”
Jaspercuppedmyjaw,wipingmydampcheekswithhisthumbs.“Yougoodwiththis?”
Inodded.Verygood.
“Inthecar,whenwewerefighting,yousaidsomething.”
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthat.”Nottoday.Notafterthis.
“This,wehavetotalkabout.Now.”Hegavemeasadsmile.“YousaidthatIloveSamantha.”
“Oh.”Thatwaswhathewantedtotalkabout?Really?Today?
I’dsaidalotonMondaythatIreallydidn’twanttorelive.Ithadallbeentrue,brutalhonesty.ButIstilldidn’twanttorehashit.Therewasnofightleftinmybones.
“Idon’tloveSamantha.”Heframedmyfaceagain,makingsuremyeyeswerelockedonhis.“Idon’tknowifIeverreallylovedher.Notthewayitshouldbe.”
Mybreathhitched.
Didthatmean…
BeforeIcouldevenfinishthatthought,thelobbydooropenedandMateowalkedinside.
“Blazeissittingonthehoodofhiscarparkedoutfront.”
Ugh.Majormoodkiller.
“Okay.”Isighed.“Hopefullyhe’llgiveupandleave.”
“Idon’tlikethatkid,”Jaspersaid,lettinggoofmyfacetohaulmeagainsthischestagain.“NocomplainingwhenI’myourshadowforthenextfewdays.”
“Sir,yes,sir.”MyarmsweretrappedsoIcouldn’tgivehimmyusualmocksalute.
Hischestshookwithaquietlaugh.
Ismiled,saggingagainsthim.Then,becauseIwashappy,Istartedcryingagain.“Sorry.I’mjust…overwhelmed.”
“Igotyou,”hemurmured,holdingmetighter.“Whatdoyouneed?”
You.“Anap.”
Jasperletmego,snaggingmyhand.Thenheledmetoacouch,sittingagainstonearmrestbeforesmackinghisthigh.“Comeon.”
“Ineedtowork.”
“Takefive,”Mateosaid.“I’vegotthedesk.”
“Areyousure?”
Hewinked,thenleftJasperandmealone.
IstareddownatJasper,atthatlapIlovedtocurlintosomuch.Fiveminuteswouldn’thurt,right?SoIsatdown,snugglingintohischest,lettingthewarmthfromhisbodywraparoundmelikeablanket.
“Fiveminutes.”
Hekissedmyforehead.“Fiveminutes.”
Iwasasleepinseconds.
Heheldmeforanhourinstead,knowingIneededmorethanminutes.WhenIwoke,Mateowasstillatthedesk.
AndBlazewasnowheretobefound.CHAPTERTWENTY-FOURJASPER
Eloisepoppedthelidonherto-gocupofcoffeeandsweptherpursefromthecounter.Then,likeshedidmostmornings,sheturnedinafullcircle.Twocircles,actually.Onespintotheright.Onespintotheleft.
“I’mforgettingsomething,”shesaid.
“Whateveritis,I’llbringittoyoulater.”
“Okay.”Shegavemeasoftsmile,hergazetrailingdownmynakedchest.
Whileshe’dtakenashoweranddressedfortheday,I’dclimbedoutofbedandmadecoffee,onlybotheringtopullonapairofsweats.
Hergazelingeredonmyabsforamomentbeforehereyesshiftedtomyhandssplayedontheisland,thoseblueslockingonmyleft.Hersmiledimmed.
Shewassearchingforthering,wasn’tshe?
Eloisehadbeenpayingmyringfingermoreattentionthispastweek,eversincethatdayinthehotellobbyaweekagowhenshe’dfiredBlaze.ThedayI’dtoldherthedivorcepapershadlandedinthetrash.Whenshe’dmentionedtheringintheheatofthemoment.
Hadshebeensearchingforitallthistime?Ihadn’tnoticedherstaringatmyhand,butmaybeshe’dhiddenitbetterbeforeItaly.OrmaybeI’djustbeenoblivious.
Butitwasouttherenow,plaguingusboth.
“You’regoingtothegym?”sheasked,hergazedroppingtohercoffeecup.Whenshelookedupagain,hersmilewasbackinitsbeautifulglory.
“Yeah.FosterandIaremeetinginhalfanhour.”
“Seeyouafter?”
Inodded.“Wantmetobringyoulunch?”
“Yes,please.”Sheroundedthecorner,risinguponhertoesforakiss.
Ibent,sweepingherintomyarmsandsealingmymouthoverhers.Ourtonguestangledinalazy,slowdance,kissinguntilshehadaprettyflushtohercheeksandmycockstretchedmysweats.
Anothermorning,I’dpeelawaythoseblackslacksandfuckherwhileshewasbentoverthecounter.Butshe’dhadahecticweek,andIknewshewantedtogettowork.SoIeasedaway,holdingherforjustanotherminutetoburymyfaceinherhairanddrawinmyfavoritescent.
Sheclungtomewithherarmsbandedaroundmyribsandlockedbehindmyback.“I’dbettergo.”
“Yeah,”Imurmured,looseningmyhold.Withakissonherforehead,Ifollowedheroutside,standingontheporchtowatchassheclimbedinhercarandwavedbeforedrivingdownthelane.
ThemorningairwaswarmandtheforecastwascallingforanotherhotJulyday.Thescentofpinesapfilledmynose.Theriverrushedinthedistanceandbirdschirpedastheysweptthroughthetrees.Sunbeamsstreamedthroughbranches,castingeverythinginayellowmorningglow.
Itshouldhavesnaredmyfocus.ThislittlecornerofMontana,mylittlecorner,hadbecomeasourceofpeace.Instead,Ilookedtomyhandandsighed.
IfEloisehadrefusedtoweartheringI’dboughther,itwouldhavebotheredme.Especiallynow,afterallwe’dgonethroughtogether.
Theringshe’dgivenmewassimple.Classic.Atitaniumbandwithpolishededgesandamattecenter.
Whatthefuckweretheoddsthatshe’dpicktheexactstyleringthatSamhadgivenmeyearsago?
Whenshe’dgivenittome,I’dalmostthoughtitwasajoke.NotthatEloisewouldeverknowthatitwasthesame,buttheywereidentical.
TheringEloisehadboughthadspentsometimeinmydrawerupstairs,buriedbeneathmysocks.Ijusthadn’tbeenreadytoweararingagain.Especiallywhenithadbeensodamnfamiliar.
I’dwornSamantha’sring.
Andithadmeantfuckall.
Didn’titmeanmoretoEloisethatIwashere?Thatshehadmewrappedaroundherownringfinger?
EloiseEdenownedme.
Ilovedthatwoman.
IlovedherinawayIhadn’tevenknownexisted.Asoul-deep,undyinglove.
Wasn’titmoreimportantthatIshowedherhowIfelt?Everyday.Everynight.FromthefoodIcooked,tothewayIworshipedherbody.
Forfuck’ssake,Icuddled.Ilethersleepontopofmeeverygoddamnnight,didn’tI?
Itwasjustaring.
Withorwithoutit,Iwashers.
Butsheneededthering,didn’tshe?Sheneededthatsymbol.Sotoday,I’ddropitatthejewelrystoretogetresized.Itwasalittletootight.
Leavingtheporch,IwentinsidetoswapoutmysweatsforshortsandacleanT-shirt.ThenIdroveacrosstowntoFoster’sgym.
“Hey.”Fostersatinthecenterofthering,stretchinghishamstrings.
“Hi.”Ijerkedupmychin,toeingoffmyshoesbeforejoininghim.
Steppingthroughtheropesalwayscenteredme.MMAfightswereheldinacagebutFosterhadalwayspreferredhisdailytraininginaboxingring,evenwhenwe’dlivedinVegas.Ifeltthesame.
Somethingaboutthering,thefourcorners,thesmallersize,groundedme.Itallowedmetoshutouteverythingandeveryonebeyondtheseimaginarywalls.
“How’sitgoing?”heaskedasItookaseatacrossfromhim,beginningtheregularstretchroutine.
“Good.You?”
“It’sgood.ButIgotaninterestingcallthismorning.FromthatnewkidmakinganameforhimselfinVegas.”Fosterdidn’tneedtoclarify.Webothknewitwasthekidwho’dtriedtohireme.“Hetoldmeheapproachedyouaboutajob.Thatyouturnedhimdown.Ithinkhethoughtyouwerestayingbecauseofme.HemustnotknowaboutEloise.”
WhenI’dgonetoVegasforthatinterview,I’dletFosterbelievethatI’dtalkedtothekidbeforeEloiseandIhadgottenmarried.ThatmytriptoVegaswasmoreacourtesythanaseriousinquiry.
“ItoldhimI’dtrainhim.Hejusthadtorelocate.”
Fostergrinned.“I’mgladyou’restaying.IfyouandEloisehaddecidedtomovetoVegas,theEdensmighthavesetuparoadblockonthehighway.”
Ichuckled.
Maybesomeday,ifEloisewasallrightwithit,I’dtellhimthewholestory.I’dtellhimaboutVegas.AbouthowEloiseandIhadagreedtofakeit.
Ormaybenot.
Partofmelikedthatthissecretwasjustours.
“Ineedajob,”ItoldFoster.Notforthemoney.Icouldlivecomfortablyoffmyinheritancefortherestofmylife.ButIneededsomethingtokeepmyselfoccupied.
“Youhaveajob.”
Igavehimaflatlook.“You’reretired.”
“So?”Heshrugged,shovinguptohisfeet.Thenhesmackedhisstomach.“Talialikesmyabs.Youcanhelpmekeepthem.”
Ihoppedup,reachingoutahand.“Howaboutwejusttrainasfriends?”
“Notfriends.”Heclaspedmyhand.“Brothers.”
“Brothers.”Wewerebrothers,weren’twe?FosterandIhadbeenbrotherslongbeforeI’dmarriedEloise.Butdamn,Ilikedthatitwasofficial.“Allright.Let’sgettowork.Keepyourwomanhappy.”Andminetoo.Eloiselikedthedefinitionatmyhips.
Wespentthenexttwohoursinthering,sparringanddoingdrills.Neitherofusneededanevent,achampionshipfight,topushourselves.Wetrainedbecauseitwastheoutletwe’dbothcometorelyupon.Andwhensweatdrenchedmyshirt,whenmylegswerewarmandmymusclesloose,FosterandIreturnedtothematstostretchandcooldown.
“Sowhatkindofjobdoyouwant?”heasked.
“HellifIknow.”Iwasn’tevensurewhatkindofopportunitiestherewereinQuincy.“Fornow,Eloiseneedssomehelpatthehotel.”
TheFourthofJulyhadbeenhecticthispastweek.Therodeolastweekendhadbeenauniqueexperience,somethingIhadn’tthoughtI’denjoy.Butwe’dendeduphavingagreattime.Eloise’sexcitementhadbeencontagious.Evenwithherfamilythere,I’dhadfun—probablybecauseI’dsattowardtheendofourrowwithFosterononesideandEloiseontheother.
Evenafterthecelebrations,Quincywascrawlingwithtourists.Thehotelwasswampedandthatsix-hourwindowbetweencheck-outandcheck-inwaspureinsanity.
EloisehadgivenmeacrashcourseinhousekeepingandrunningtheirindustrialwashersanddryerssoIcouldcontribute.IthadbeentherightdecisionforhertofireBlaze,especiallysinceshe’dtoldmehecausedmoreworkthanheactuallyaccomplished.Butshestillhadapart-timeholeinherstaff,whichIhadtriedtohelpfill.
“It’sgoodofyoutohelpher,”Fostersaid.“Taliasaidthiswasthebusiestshe’severseenQuincyorthehotel.”
“Happyto.”Itwasthetruth.I’dneverbeenamanwhoneededthespotlight.Atthemoment,IwascontenttodowhateverittookforEloisetoshine.
Wasthatmycalling?I’dneverfeltlikeIhadsomegrandpurposeinlife.Iwasamancontenttohelpsomeoneelseachievetheirdreams.FirstFoster.ThenEloise.
Thatsoundedlikeagoodplanfornow.
“Speakingofthehotel,”Isaid,shovinguptomyfeet.“I’dbetterheadhomeandtakeashower.Thengetdowntowntoseewhat’shappening.”
“Ithinkwe’reheadingthatwaylater.”Fosterstoodtoo,followingmeoutofthering.“TaliawantstoeatatKnucklestonight.Youguyswanttojoinus?”
Myfirstreactionwastosayno.CookingEloisedinnerbeforestealingherawaytobedhadbecomethehighlightofmyday.Butmaybeshe’dlikeadate.“Yeah.Maybe.LetmetalktoEloise.”
Fosternoddedandliftedahand,wavingasIheadedoutside.
Idrovehome,hurriedthroughashowerandthrewonapairofjeansandablackT-shirt.ThenIsnaggedtheringfromthedrawer,shovingitinapocketbeforeIheadedtothekitchentopackalunchforEloiseandme.
Iwasabouttoleavebutsomethingstoppedme.Iturnedaroundinthespace,takinginthecounters.HadIforgottensomethingtoo?
“Huh.”Strange.Therewasanoddtwistinmygut,almostlikeasenseofdread.
Iletthestillhousesinkin.Ilistenedforanythingamiss—runningwateroranuncommonelectricalbuzz.ButtheA-framewasquiet.Normal.
Eloise’sforgetfulnessmusthaverubbedoff.SoIshookawaythefeelingandheadedintotown.
TheonlyopenparkingspacesdowntownweretwointhealleybehindTheEloise.IparkedtheYukonandinsteadofgoinginsidethehotel,Icrossedthestreet,swingingbythejewelrystorebeforeheadingnextdoortogetinlineatEdenCoffee.
Lylalookedasswampedasshehadbeenallweek,buthersmileneverwavered.Eloisedidthattoo.Ifavisitorhadabadexperienceatthehotel,itwouldn’tbebecauseofmywife.
“Hey.”Lylaletoutadeepbreathwhenitwasmyturninline.“OhmyGod,thisdayhasbeennonstop.”
“Needanything?”
“No.”Sheshookherhead.“Butthanksforasking.WhatcanIgetforyou?”
“AnicedcoffeeforEloise.”
“Comingrightup.”Shesmiled,thengottowork.ThemomentLylaslidtheplasticto-gocupacrossthecounter,shegreetedhernextcustomer.
ImademywayacrossMain,glancingdownthebusysidewalks.
Twentyfeetfromthehotel,thatsamestrangefeelingI’dfeltathomehit.Aniggle.Apitforminginmygut.Iglancedaround,feelingeyesonme,buttherewerepeopleeverywhere.Andnotafamiliarfaceinthebunch.
Itwasthatgoddamnkid.Blaze.Itwasn’tonlyEloise’sbusyworkloadthathadkeptmeclosetothehotel.Itwasthatkid.
NoonehadseenhimsincethedayEloisehadfiredhimlastweek.AccordingtoAnne,Blaze’smotherhadbeenmortifiedthathe’dgottenfiredandhadgroundedhimforlife.
Still,Ididn’ttrustBlaze.Ididn’tlikehisobsessionwithTaylor.AndIsureasfuckdidn’tlikethelookhe’dgivenmywife.
EloisewassittingatthedeskwhenIwalkedintothelobby.Herfingersflewacrossherkeyboard,hereyesnarrowedinconcentration.Butwhenshelookedupandsawme,thatsmileshegavemechasedawayanyoftheworry.
OnelookandIwasinstantlyokay.
“Yougotmeacoffee.”Shepressedherhandtoherheart.“Besthusbandever.”
Ichuckled,settingitandlunchbesidetheemptycuponherdesk.ThenIleanedintodropakisstohercheek.“Howwasyourmorning?”
“Fine.HowwasFoster?”
“Good.”
Shelookedmeupanddown.“Noblood?Nobruises?”
“Nottoday.”
“ThenFostergetstolive.”
OnlyEloisewouldtakeonFosterMadden,theIronFist,becausehe’ddaredpunchherhusband.
Fuck,butIlovedher.Moreandmoreeachday.
“Howaboutdinnertonight?”Iasked.
“Don’tweeatdinnereverynight?”
“Smartass.”Itickledherribs,earningayelp.“Howaboutwegoouttodinner?”
Eloise’sjawdropped.“JasperVale,areyouaskingmeoutonadate?”
“Well,youaremywife.Maybeit’stimewewentonadate.”
Hereyessoftened.“Sayitagain.”
“Willyougoouttodinnerwithme?”
“Notthat.Callmeyourwifeagain.”
“Wife.”
Eloiseputherhandonmycheek,leaninginforanotherkiss.“Aboutthisdinner.”
“Knuckles?”
“Or…myparentsinvitedustotheranch.”Shetensed,probablyexpectinganinstantrejection.
Itwasthere,onthetipofmytongue,butIdidn’twanttohurtherfeelings,soIhelditback.
“Wehaven’ttalkedabout…youknow,”shesaid.Thefight.“I’vebeenthinkingabouteverythingyousaid.Youmadealotofvalidpoints.AndIheardyou.But,babe,yourparentssuck.Minedon’t.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.Shewasrightaboutmyparents.Herown?
“Theyaren’tperfect.”Eloiseheldupherhands,probablybecausesheknewexactlywhatIwasthinking.“Theydon’tclaimtobe.Buttheyloveme.”
TheEdensandIhadthatincommon.
Sonofabitch.Iwasgoingtohavetofigureouthowtolivewiththem,wasn’tI?NowayI’dmakeherchoosebetweenus.
“Woulditbesohard?”Sheplacedherhandonmychest.“Unlockingyourheartformyfamily?”
Thiswoman.
Shereallydidn’tunderstand,didshe?
Thisimaginarylocktomyheart?Ididn’thavethekey.
I’dhandedittoherweeksago.
“Okay.We’llgotodinneratthera—”
Eloiselaunchedherselfintomyarms,movingsofastIalmostdidn’tcatchher.
Almost.
“Thankyou,”shemurmuredagainstmyneck.
“Sayitlikeyoumeanit,El.”
Shegiggled,catchingmydrift.Herlipsfoundmine,andIgotthethankyouIwanted.
Iwassuckingonherlowerlipwhensomeoutsideawarenessmademepullaway.Thatsamefeelingcreptbeneathmyskin,raisingthehaironthebackofmyneck.
“What?”sheasked,followingmygazetowardthewindows.
Therewasnothingbutsunshineandsmilesbeyondtheglass.
“Nothing.”Ishookthefeelingaway,thenkissedthecornerofhermouth.“Putmetowork.”
Shegavemethatadorablemocksalute.“Sir,yes,sir.”CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVEELOISE
Jasperwasasleeponhisstomach,onekneeraisedashehuggedhispillow.Exactlyhowhe’dlookedwhenI’dslippedoutofbedthismorningtotakeashower.Thecoversbarelycoveredhisass,revealingthosedimplesabovehischeeksandtherippledmusclesofhisback.
WarmthspreadthroughmychestasIwatchedhimsleep.Itwasstillhardtobelievethiswasreallyhappening.Thathewasmine.
AsmuchasIwantedtostripoffmyclothesandcurlupagainsthisnakedbody,workwaswaiting.SoIpaddedacrossthebedroom,myfeetsinkingintotherugbeneaththebed.ThenIbrushedthehairfromhisforehead.
“Bye,babe,”Iwhispered.
Hiseyesstayedclosedbuthestretchedoutanarm,blindlyreachingforme.Whenhishandskimmedmyshirt,hefistedit,drawingmecloser.Asilentrequestforakiss.
IwaslearningtoreadJasper.Tohearhimevenwhenhedidn’tspeak.
SoIkissedhisstubbledcheek.
Iloveyou.
Everydayitgotharderandhardernottosayitaloud.Lastnight,afterdinnerattheranch,I’dbeensoproudofhowhardhe’dtriedthatI’dalmostsaiditonthewayhome.
Whyhadn’tI?WhywasIholdingback?BecauseIwantedJaspertosayitfirst?Becausehestillwouldn’twearastupidweddingring?
HowmanypeoplehadtoldJaspertheylovedhim?
Notenough.Shameonmeforwaiting.
“Iloveyou.”
Jasper’seyespoppedopen.Amyriadofemotionsflewthroughthosedarkirises.Happiness.Hesitation.Regret.
Hewasn’treadytosayitback.Iftheonlypersonhe’dsaidIloveyoutohadbeenSamantha,thenIdidn’tblamehimforbeingscared.
Thatwasokay.I’dwait.
ForJasperVale,I’dwaituntiltheendofmydays.
Ibrushedthathairoffhisforeheadagain,thenkissedhistemple.“Igottago.Seeyoulater.”
“El,I…”Heswallowedhard,hisAdam’sapplebobbing.Hisfistinmyshirttightened.
“Iknow,Jas.”
Iknewhisparentshadnevertaughthimaboutlove.IknewthatSamantha’sversionoflovehadcomewithconditionsandmanipulationsandlimits.
Minedidnot.He’drealizethat.IfItoldhimenough,he’dlearnwhattruelovelookedlike.
SoIstood,crossingthebedroom,givinghimthetimetoletthosewordssinkin.Tofeelthem.IfIsaidthemenough,he’drealizetheyweren’tallthatterrifying.
AlightnesssettledintomybonesasIlefttheA-frame.Mymentalto-dolistreshuffledasIdroveintotown,makingroomforanewitematthetop.
Changemylastname.
“EloiseVale.”
Yeah,Ilikedthesoundofthat.
AsIeasedintoaparkingspacebehindthehotel,Knoxpulledupbesideme.
“Morning,”hesaid,climbingoutofhistruck.
“Hi.”Ifellinstepbesidemybrother,followinghiminside.Normally,Knoxwasinbeforedawntostartonkitchenprep.“Latestarttoday?”
“Theboyshadabadnight.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’tbe.I’mnot.”Hethrewhisarmaroundmyshoulders.KnoxwouldskipsleepforadecadeifitmeanttimewithMemphisandhissons.“Dinnerwasfunlastnight.”
“Yeah.”Funmightbeastretch,butithadbeenexponentiallybetterthanJasper’sfirsttriptotheranch.
NoteveryonehadbeenabletocometoMomandDad’slastnight.GriffinandWinnhadstayedhomebecauseEmmahadn’tbeenfeelingwell.Lylahadbeenexhaustedfromaslogoflonghoursandhadn’twantedtodriveout.AndFosterandTaliahadgoneonadatetogether,soithadjustbeenmyparents,MateoandKnox’sfamily.
Ithadbeenquieter,butJasperhadengagedintheconversation.He’dtalkedtoMemphismostly,bothofthemtradingstoriesaboutgrowingupontheEastCoast.WhenDadhadaskedhowhe’dmetFoster,he’dsharedtheirwholestory,includinghowhe’dgottenintomartialartsinhighschool.Tomymother,he’dbeenpolite,eventhoughIknewhewasstillirritatedabouttheBlazesituation.
Jasperhadmostlyspokenwhenspokento.Butthatwasjustwhohewas.DifferentthananyoftheguysI’dbroughthomeordatedbefore.Myfamilywouldlearnthatabouthim.Likeme,they’dlearntoreadhissilentcues.
KnoxandIwalkedinsidethehotel,andwhenwereachedthedoorsforKnuckles,heretreatedtohiskitchenwhileIheadedforthedesktorelievemynightclerk.
Themorningwentbyinablurofcheck-outsandhousekeepingassignments.Byeleveno’clock,IfeltlikeI’drunthreemiles.
I’djustfinishedcheckingoutacouplefromCaliforniawhenthelobbydoorsopenedandJasperstrodeinside.
Mymouthwatered.
HewaswearingthatbaseballhatagainalongwithawhiteT-shirtandapairofcargoshorts.Theendsofhishairbeneaththecapwerecurledanddampbecausehe’dprobablygonetothegymbeforeheadinghomeforashower.
“Wow,”Iwhispered.Seriously,myhusbandwasfreakinghot.
Thecornerofhismouthturnedupasheroundedthedesk.“Hi,angel.”
“Ireallylikeyouinthathat.”
Hebent,brushinghislipstomyforehead.“I’llwearitforyoulater.”Andnothingelse.
Theunspokenpromisecausedashivertorolldownmyspine.“Yes,please.”
Jasperleanedagainstthedesk,glancingaroundthelobby.
Maybeitshouldhavebeenawkwardafterthismorning,butitwasn’t.ProbablybecauseIdidn’tregrettellinghimhowIfelt.
“How’sthemorninggoing?”heasked.
“Busy.”Islumpedinmyseat.“Buteveryoneischeckedout,soIcancatchmybreath.”
“WhatcanIhelpwith?”
“Thelobbyisamess.”Therewasacrumplednapkinonthetablebythefireplace.Themagazineswerescatteredeverywhereandthechairswereaskewbecauseacouplethismorninghadrepositionedthemwhilethey’dbeenvisiting.
“I’lltakecareofit,”hesaid.
“Youdon’thaveto.”
Heshrugged.“I’mnotdoinganythingelse.”
“YounevertoldmewhatyoudecidedwiththatfighterinVegas.Whatdidyoudecide?”
Forweeks,I’dbeenterrifiedtoaskhimaboutthatinterview.SoI’djustblockeditoutandletmyhecticscheduleovershadowmyfears.Butsomuchhadchangedthispastweek.Andafterthismorning,askingwasn’tsoterrifyinganymore,notwhenIhadafairlygoodideaofhisanswer.
“ItoldhimthatI’dtrainhim.”
Wait.What?Well,thatwasn’ttheanswerI’dexpected.He’dreallytakenthatjob?Didthatmeanhe’dbespendingpartofhistimeinNevada?“Oh.”
“Buthe’dhavetomovetoMontana.”
Theairrushedfrommylungsashesmirked.
“Jerk.”Ipokedhisribwithafinger.
Jaspergrinned.“I’llhavetofindsomethingtodoeventually.Fornow,I’llhelparoundhere.Yougoodwiththat?”
“Very.”Inodded.“Thankyou.”
“Welcome.”Hekissedmycheek,thenroundedthedesk,goingtostraightenupthelobby.
Mycomputerchimedwithanincomingemail,butIignoredit,contenttowatchJasperforaminute.
Thelobbydooropened,forcingmygazeawayfromJasper’sass.
Winnwalkedinside,wavingtoJasperbeforeshecamearoundthedeskforahug.“Hi.”
“Hey.Whatareyouupto?”
“LunchwithPops.”
Hergrandfather,Covie,wastheformermayorofQuincyandaregularatKnuckles.
“Workingtoday?”Iasked,takinginthebadgeandgunholsteredonherhip.
“Yes.Catch-upfromtheFourth.”
“Same,”Isaidastheelevatordoorsslidopenandtwoguestsmadetheirwayover.
“I’llletyougetbacktowork,”Winnsaid,shiftingoutoftheway.
Theguestsneededarecommendationforahikingtrail,soIpluckedoneoftheareamapsfromthedrawerwhereIkeptthem,spreadingitoutonthecounterandcirclingafewofmymostrecommendedspots.
Withthemapinhand,theyheadedoutsideintothesummersunshine.
CoviehadcomeinwhileI’dbeentalkingwiththeguests.HeandWinnwerechattingwithalocalmanwho’dalsoprobablycomeinforlunchtoo.
Awomaninafloppyhatwastalkingonthephoneontheoppositeendoftheroom.ThiswasherfirststayatTheEloise,butshe’dalreadybookedaroomfornextsummer.
MyfingertipsskimmedthedeskasItookitallin,breathinginthescentofthelobby.Ofthesunshineandfreshairthatwaftedinsideeverytimethedooropened.
Nomatterwhosenamewasonthedeed,thishotelwouldalwaysbemine.Likethemantossinganemptyto-gocoffeecupinthetrash.
MaybethereasonI’dstayedmarriedtoJasperhadn’tbeenbecauseofthishotel.Ithadn’tbeentogotothatweddinginItaly.MaybeI’dstayedwithJasperbecause,deepdown,I’dglimpsedsomethinginhiminVegas.
Somethingthathadresonatedinmyheart,andeventhoughIhadn’tbeenabletoseeityet,Ialsohadn’tbeenabletolethimgo.
WinnandCoviewalkedtowardJasper,Winnmakingintroductions.
ThedoorsopenedandFrannieJonesandClarissaFitzgeraldwalkedinside,twolocalgirlsI’dknownforages.TheywereayearyoungerthanMateoandbothhadcrushedonhimendlesslyinhighschool.
Otherthaninpassing,Ihadn’tseenthemmuchthesepastcoupleyears.ButnowthatnewsofMateo’sreturnhadspread,they’dprobablybestoppingbyTheEloisemoreoften,hopingtosnaghisnotice,justlikeinhighschool.
Clarissascannedthelobby,searchingformybrother,butwhenhereyeslandedonJasper,shedidadoubletake.HercheeksflushedandsheleanedintowhispersomethinginFran’sear.
ThenFran’sgazeshotstraighttoJaspertoo.
Irolledmyeyesandroundedthecounterastheyneared.
“Hey,Eloise.”Franpulledmeintoahug.
ClarissawasstillstaringatJasperashetalkedtoWinnandCovie.
“Hey,”Isaid.“Whatareyouguysuptotoday?”
“LunchatKnuckles.”
“Fun.Hey,Clarissa.”
ShetorehereyesfromJasper’sface.“Hi.Um,whoisthat?”
“Myhusband.”
Sheblinked,andasmystatementsettledin,hereyeswidened.“Oh.Iheardyougotmarried.Ijust…Ihaven’tseenyouguysaroundtown.”
“Yep,that’shim.”
Clarissagavemeanexaggeratedfrown.“Busted.Sorry.”
“It’sfine.”Ilaughed,wavingitoff.“Icheckhimoutallthetimetoo.”
“Well,beforeIembarrassmyselfevenmore,we’regoingtolunch.”ClarissaloopedherarmwithFran’sandtogether,theyheadedfortherestaurant.
Ishiftedpastthedesk,abouttogoandsayhellotoCoviemyself,butwhenIlookedover,JasperwasshovingpastWinn.
Hisfacewashard,hiseyes…frantic.
Ifroze.
Timeslowed.
Jasperran,hisbodyanexplosionashesprintedacrossthelobby.
Behindhim,Winnwasreachingforhergun.
Whywasshereachingforhergun?
Myheartjumped,myeyestrackinginthesamedirectionashers.
Andthere,bythefrontdoor,wasBlaze.
Everythingclickedatonce.
Jasper’sfear.
Winn’sshouttodropit.
ThepistolBlazehadliftedandaimedmyway.
Onemoment,Iwasstandingonmyowntwofeet.
Thenext,chaos.
Mybodyslammedintothefloor,thewindknockedentirelyoutofmylungs.
Gunfirefilledthelobby,thenoisesolouditdrownedoutthescreamsandshouts.
Then…quiet.
Asilencesoeerieitchilledmetothecore.
Jasper’sbodycoveredmine.He’dslammedintomesohardthatwe’dflownbehindthecounter,skiddingtoastop.
Warmthspreadagainstmyshoulder.Wetwarmth.
Blood.
“Jasper,”Iwhispered,icefloodingmyveins.
Hedidn’tmove.Hisbodywashardandsoheavyagainstmineitwashardtobreathe.
Beyondthecounter,peoplewerecrying.Footstepspoundedonthefloor.ButIblockeditallout,shiftingbackandforth,tryingtodislodgeJasper.Whywasn’themoving?
“Jasper.”Myvoicewaspanicked.Ileanedupasfarasmyneckwouldstretch,tryingtoseewherehewashurt.Redspreadthroughthewhitecottonofhisshirt,allacrosshisshoulder.“Jasper.”
Hedidn’tmove.Hedidn’tbreathe.
Mygazecaughtonhishand,pressedagainsttheflooratoursides.
Hislefthand.
Andonhisfinger,theweddingbandI’dgivenhimweeksago.CHAPTERTWENTY-SIXJASPER
Fiveshots.
I’dheardfiveshotsgooffasI’dtackledEloisetothefloor.Then…nothing.Foralongmoment,notasound.
Butbeyondthecounter,peopleweremovingnow.Footsteps.Crying.Screaming.Thedoorshadopenedandpeoplewereshoutingoutside,callingforhelp.
“Jasper.”Eloiseshookme,squirmingbeneathme.
Ididn’tbudge.
WasBlazestilloutthere?HowlonguntilheroundedthecountertocomeforEloise?Partofmewantedtoriskit.Tolookaroundandseeiftherewasawaytogetherthehelloutofthishotel.ButIstayedhuddledontopofher,hopingthatmybodywouldbeenoughtoshieldhers.
“Jasper,”shescreamedinmyear.
Iwascrushingher.ButIdidn’tmove.
“Winn!”Eloiseshouted.
Myholdonheronlytightened,myframemoldingaroundherslikeIwastryingtotuckherintomypocket.
Atmymovement,Eloisestilled.“Jas?OhmyGod.You’rebleeding.Youhavetomove.Youhavetogetup.Ineedtogetyouhelp.”
Bleeding?Thepainregisteredamomentlater.Theburninginmyshoulder.Theblood,soakingmyshirt.
Fuck.
ThatmotherfuckerhadtriedtokillEloise.
Ishovedup,ignoringthescreaminginmyshoulder.Theworldtippedupsidedown,spinninguntilithadrighteditselfagain.
“Areyouhurt?”Safebehindthecounter,Iusedmygoodarmtostartcheckingeveryinchofherbody.
Eloisescrambledtoherknees,herhandsgoingtotheblood.Herblueeyesflooded.“OhmyGod.Yourshoulder.Winn!”
Amomentlater,Winnroundedthecounter,hergungrippedinherhands.
“Blaze?”Iasked.
Winnshookherhead,herexpressionhardbutgrim.Acopdoingwhatshe’dbeentrainedtodo.Tolockitdown.Tohelpothers.
“Putpressureonit,Eloise.”Winn’svoicewascalm.Firm.“Untilanambulancegetshere,justkeeppressureonit.”
Eloisenodded,thetearsbeginningtostreakdownherfaceasshepressedherhandstotheholeinmyshoulder.Onesidewherethebullethadgonein.Andtheotherwherethebullethadcomeout.
Ihissed,thepainbeginningtoblurtheedgesofmymind.“Areyouokay?”
“Heshotyou.”Hervoicetrembled.“Heshotyou.”
Buthehadn’tshother.
Isaggedagainstthecounter,thecrashcoming.
Eloisewasokay.Shewasokay.
IfIhadlosthertoday,ifIhadn’tbeenfastenough…
Fuck,Icouldhavelosther.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.
Asobescapedhermouth.HerhandsclampedmyshouldersohardIwinced,butwiththetearsstreamingdownherface,shedidn’tnotice.“Whydidyoudothat?”
Itriedtoliftmyarmbutitwouldn’twork.
Whywouldn’titwork?
Oh,yeah.Thatmotherfuckerhadshotme.WasBlazedead?
“Jasper,lookatme.”Eloisemovedsoclosetomyfacethatmyeyescrossed.“Staywithme.”
“WhereelsewouldIbe?”
Shepressedherforeheadtomine,thenkissedmymouth,hersaltytearslingeringonmylips.“Iloveyou.Don’tcloseyoureyes.”
“Okay,”Imurmuredandclosedmyeyes.Mybodywasgoingintoshock.Theadrenaline.Theblood.“Loveyou,El.”
Theworldfadedinandout.EMTs.Anambulance.Taliawearingherhospitalscrubs.Pain.Gettingshothurtlikeabitch.Itallfadedinandoutwithablur.
EverythingbutEloise.
UntilIwasinahospitalbedandshefinallyletmeclosemyeyes.
WhenIwokeup,minutesorhourslater,darknesshadsettledbeyondthewindows.Andasleepbesidemeinthenarrowbed,mywife.
Cuddling.
Iclosedmyeyes.
Andpulledhercloser.CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVENJASPER
Eloiseheldupahand,stoppingmefromcrossingtheloft.Hergazedartedbetweenmeandmytarget.
Thebed.
“Don’tyoudare.”
“I’mfine.”Itookastep,readytorumplethecoversshe’dsocrisplymadewhileI’dbeenintheshower.
“Jasper,”shewarned.“You’renotfine.Yougotshot.”
“Twoweeksago.”
Hermouthpursedinathinline.
Itookanotherstep.
“Imeanit.I’mnothavingsexwithyou.You’rehurt.”
“I’mnothurt.”
Ourglareslockedinthesamestandoffwe’dbeenhavingforthepasttwodays.
Atmycheckupearlierthisweek,Taliahadgivenmetheallclearforlightactivity.Butapparently,Eloiseconsideredsextoostrenuous.
Sofar,I’dletherthwartmyadvances.Butenoughwasenough.Mybodyachedandithadnothingtodowithmyshoulder.
Withtwolongstrides,Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,wrappingmygoodarmaroundhershoulders,trappingherbeforeshecouldgetaway.
Hermouthwasopen,herprotestready.
Istoppeditbyslammingmylipsonhers,slidingmytongueinside.Onelickandshemelted.
Shesankintothekiss,flutteringhertongueagainstmyownbeforeherarmswrappedaroundmywaist.
Fuckingfinally.Ikissedheruntilherlipswereswollen.Untilshehadthatprettyflushtohercheeks.ThenIlethergo,droppingmyforeheadtohers.
“See?I’mokay.”
“Yougotshot.”
“Butyoudidn’t.”
Shesaggedagainstme,burrowingintomychestasshedrewinalonginhale.
“Imissfuckingmywife.”
“Imissyoutoo.But…we’llbelate.”
Igrowled.“We’llbefast.”Aftertwoweeksofnothavingher,therewasnochanceI’dlast.
“Tonight,”shepromised.“Whenwegetback,youcanhaveyourwaywithme.Aslongasyoupromisetotakeiteasy.”
“Finebyme.Youcandoallthework.”
Ithadbeentwoexcruciatingweeks,andIwasdesperateforsexwithEloise.Ineededthatphysicalconnection.Areminderthatweweregood.Alive.
Idroppedmyforeheadtohers,theimageofBlazeflashinginmymind.HisfacewasoneI’dneverforget.I’dbeenseeinghiminmynightmaresfortwoweeks.Inthosedreams,Ihadn’tmadeitintime.I’dwakeup,panicked.ThenI’dfeelheragainstme,sleepingsoundly,cuddledclose.
MaybeoneofthesedaysI’dtellFosteraboutthedreams.Confessthemtosomeone.AsmuchasEloisehadbecomemysafehaven,thiswasonestoryI’dkeepfromher.Shehadherowndemonstofightfromtheshooting.
“Iloveyou,”shemurmured.
“Loveyoutoo.”
Itwasstillnew,hearingit.Sayingit.Buteverytime,thosewordssankalittledeeper.Lingeredalittlelonger.Bythetimewewereoldandgray,they’dbetattooedonmybones.
Westoodtogetherinthemiddleoftheloft,holdingtightforafewmoments.Thensheeasedaway.“We’dbettergo.”
“Allright.”Ikissedherhair,thenfollowedherdownstairs.
Eloisesnaggedherkeysandtheveggietraywe’dmadeearlierfromthekitchen,thenweheadedoutside,climbinginhercar.
Inthepasttwoweeks,shehadn’tbeenoutofmysightformorethanminutesatatime.Otherwise,we’dbeeninseparable.
Andsinceshewantedtogotodinnerattheranchtonight,Iwasridingshotgun.NotthatIminded.
Overthepasttwoweeks,theEdenshadclosedranks.
TaliahadrequiredIstayatthehospitalforafewdaysaftertheshooting,givingmywoundajumpstartonhealingandtomonitoritforanysignofinfection.Eloisehadstayedtheentiretime,settingupcampinmyroom.Herparentshadbeentheonestobringuscleanclothes,foodandwhateverelsewe’dneeded.
Sincewe’dcomehometotheA-frame,Annehadvisitedeveryday.She’dassignedherselfchores,laundry,cleaningandcooking.Eloisehadinsistedhermomhadn’tneededtohelp,butAnnehadn’tlistened.Personally,Iwasgratefulforthecooking.NowayEloisewouldhaveletmeinthekitchenandI’dneverlikedpeanutbutterandjelly.
HarrisonhadtaggedalongwithAnneyesterday,bringingalongenoughsplitfirewoodtolastusfiveyears.Thenhe’dstackeditoutsidebytheshop.
Eloise’ssiblingshad,well…bombardedus.
I’dthoughttheirsteadystreamofvisitswouldstoponceweleftthehospital.Ifanything,ithadgottenworse.
Todaywasthefirsttimewehadn’thadaguest.Andthatwasjustbecausewewereallcongregatingattheranch.
KnoxandLylahadbroughtusenoughfoodtolastamonth.TaliaandFostercameatleasttwiceaday.GriffinstoppedbyeachmorningandWinnswungovereachevening.Mateohadbeenourleastfrequentvisitor,butthatwasbecausehe’dtakenoveratthehotel.Insteadofstoppingby,hecalledEloiseeverytwohours,askingquestionsandkeepingherinvolved.
Wehadn’tbeentothehotelsincetheshooting.
Thatwouldcome.Later.
Eloisewasn’tready.NeitherwasI.
Fornow,itwasingoodhandsandwhenEloisewasreadytoreturn,I’dberightbyherside.
Ifshedecidedtoreturn.
TherewasachancethatBlazehadstolenherhappinessfromthatbuilding.He’dfiredoffthreeshotsthatday.Twohadmissedwide.Thethirdhadgonethroughmyshoulder.
ThefourthandfifthshotsI’dheardhadbeenWinn.She’dshotBlazestraightthroughtheheart.
NotadaywouldgobythatIwasn’tgratefulforWinslowEden.She’dsavedlives.She’dsavedEloise.Hadshenotbeenthere,well…therewasn’tadoubtinmymindthatBlazehadcomewiththeintentiontomurder.
Theweekaftertheshooting,Winnhadcomeovertotellusaboutwhathadhappenedthatday.Thewholestory.
Theinvestigationwastechnicallyongoing,butWinnhadshareditwasonlydocumentationatthispoint.They’dsearchedBlaze’scomputertofindsomehiddenvideoaccounts.He’drecordedhimselfkillinganimals.Hisneighbor’spuppy.Hisowncat.
Winnhadtoldusthere’dbeencountlessvideosonhisphonewithrantsabouthowhehatedhismother.Howheblamedherfordivorcinghisfather.Howhisfathershouldhavehitherharder.
NoneofushadrealizedthatLydiahadbeenabusedbyherex.ButIsuspectedthatabusehadalsotranslatedtoBlaze.Maybephysically.Definitelymentallyandemotionally.
Combinedwiththatathome,he’dbeenbulliedathisoldschoolinMissoula.Inothervideos,he’dmadelistsofpeoplehe’dbekillingoneday.He’dtalkedabouthowhe’dtakegunsintotheschool.Whichkidshe’dshootfirst.
Thenthere’dbeenthevideosfromQuincy.TherewasoneoftheA-framedatedthedaybeforetheshooting.AnotherofEloiseandmeinthehotellobby.ThreeofEloisewalkingintoworkandoneofmetakingheracoffee.Ihadn’tneededtoseethem.Justthementionhadmademybloodruncold.
Noonewouldeverknowexactlywhathadtranspired,butthatdaytwoweeksago,Blazehadkilledhismother.They’dfoundLydiainherkitchen,shotinthebackofthehead.Fromthere,itwasassumedthatBlazehadcometothehotel.
Ishuddered,knowingjusthowcloseI’dbeentolosingEloise.
“Hey.”Shereachedherhandacrosstheconsole.
Itookit,lacingourfingerstogether.“Hey.”
Herthumbtouchedmyring,thenshefocusedontheroad.
We’dfoundthisuncannyabilitytoknowwhentheotherpersonwasthinkingaboutthatday.Sowe’dtoucheachother,remindeachotherthatwewerehere.Together.Living.
Itwasastrangefeeling,beinggratefulthatatroubledkidwasdead.Evenstranger,Iwasgratefulthathe’dcomeintoTheEloise.Thathe’dshotmeinsteadofaschoolfullofchildreninMissoula.
Istillwasn’tsurehowtolineupthoseemotions.Yesterday,whenEloisehadlaindownforanap,I’dstartedresearchingtherapists.
Wehadn’ttalkedmuchabouttheshootingeither.Anotherconversationshelvedforlater.Butwhenwewereready,we’dneedhelp.Iwouldn’tletthisfester.Iwouldn’tletthistraumacomebetweenus.
“DoyouthinkWinnisokay?”Iaskedaswehitthehighway,headingfortheranch.
“Ithinkthiswillweighonher.”Eloisegavemeasadsmile.“Butsheknowsshedidn’thaveanotherchoice.AndshehasGriffin.”
Shehadmetoo.Ifsheneededanything,I’dbethereinaheartbeat.
IowedWinnmylife.Eloise’slife.
Theywereoneandthesame.
Whileeveryonehadcometogetheraftertheshooting,crowdingaroundusattheA-frame,theordealhadrattledtheEdens.Tonight’sdinnerwasjustanotherexcusetopulltogether.
Itwasstillstrange,beingapartoftheirfamily.
Buttheyweregrowingonme.
Thedrivetotheranchwasquiet,butthemomentweparked,herparentsflewoutofthehouse.
HarrisonopenedmycardoorbeforeIcouldeventouchthehandle.“Hey,Jasper.Thanksforcomingout.”
“Gladtobehere.”Itwasthetruth.
IlookedpasthisshouldertoseeGriffinandWinnontheporch.WinnwasholdingtheirdaughteronherhipwhileGriffcarriedtheirson.
Closingranks.Stickingclose.
TheEdenswadedthroughthickandthintogether,didn’tthey?
Ilikedthat.
Annecollectedtheveggietrayfromthebackseat,tuckingitinonearmwhiletheothertuggedEloiseintoahug.Asshepulledaway,Annehadtearsinhereyes.SodidEloise.
“Comeoninside,”Annesaid,leadingthewaytothewraparoundporch.
IwasabouttofollowwhenHarrisonsteppedinfrontofme.
Heextendedhishand,butwhenIshookit,hepulledmeintoahug.Ahugsofierceitpinchedmyshoulder,butIdidn’tletthepainshow.“Thankyou.RealizedtodayIhadn’tsaidthatyet.”
Today.Hehadn’tsaidthattomeyet,today
Itwasthehundredthtimehe’dthankedmeinthepasttwoweeks.Isuspecteditwouldn’tbethelasteither.
Butforhisdaughter,formywife,I’dtakeeverybulletintheworld.
Heletmego,takingmeinheadtotoe.Hiseyesweremisty,muchlikehiswife’s.Heswallowedhard,thennoddedformetofollowhiminside,whereeveryonehadalreadycongregatedinthekitchenanddiningroom.
FosterandTaliawereattheisland,sharingtheirlistofbabynames.
KnoxwasinthekitchenwithDrakeseatedonthecounterashishelperwhileMemphispacedtheroom,rockingtheirbaby,whosleptinherarms.
GriffinandHarrisonlaunchedintoadiscussionabouttheranch—somethingaboutthecorraldesign.
MateostoleEmmafromWinn,tossinghisnieceintheair.Hergigglecarriedabovetherestoftheconversation.
Thehousewasinsanity.Sevendifferentconversationswerehappeningatonce.IthadbeenlikethisthefirsttimeI’dcomeoutheretoo,thenoiseshocking,buttoeveryoneelse,itjustseemed…normal.
AnneandEloisehuddledaroundthefridge,pullingoutdrinksandofferingbeersandglassesofwine.
Lylaappearedatmyside,standingwithmeintheperipherytotakeeveryonein.“Thinkyoucanhandlethisfamily?”
“Honestly?No.”Ichuckled.ThiswasafarcryfromthehouseholdwhereI’dbeenraised.
ButasIlookedtoEloise,asIsawthekids,thegrowingfamily,Iwouldn’twantanythingelseforher.
Forwhateverfamilywemighthaveoneday.
“You’llfigureitout,”Lylasaid.“You’restuckwithusnow.”
“Iam.Yougoodwiththat?”
“Definitely.IthinkitwasdivineinterventionthatIneverworkedupthecouragetoaskyouonadate.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
Shesmirked.“Youwouldhavealwaysfalleninlovewithmysister.AndIhatelovetriangles.”
Ilaughed,myownnoisemixingwiththerest.Oddlyenough,itfit,didn’tit?CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHTELOISE
Acouplewalkedintothehotel,stealingmyattentionfrommycomputer.
Forthepastmonth,everytimethelobbydoorsopened,Iheldmybreath.Tensioncreptintomyshoulders,drawingthemtowardmyears.
Jasper,seatedinthechairbesidemine,reachedoverandcoveredmyhandwithhis.
Thetensionebbed.Ireleasedtheairinmylungs.
ThesmileIgavethecouplewasn’tasforcedasmysmilesfromyesterday.Orthedaybeforethat.Orthedaybeforethat.
Ithadbeenoveramonthsincetheshooting.WhenIlookedatthefloorbeneaththiscounter,IcouldstillseeJasper’sblood.Icouldstillheartheboomofgunsfiring.Theterrifiedscreams.Thebulletholesinthewallbehindmehadbeenpatched,butifIlookedcarefullyenough,Icouldstillfindthem.
Butdaybyday,itwasgettingeasier.Therapyhadhelped.That,andJasperhadn’tleftmyside.
ThedayI’ddecideditwastimetocomebacktowork,he’dcomealong.I’dassumedhe’dleaveonceIwassettled.Instead,he’dfoundhisownchair,thematchingpartnertotheoneI’dsatonforyears.Ithadbeenintheclosetofmyneglectedoffice.He’dhauleditoutandhadbeensittinginiteversince.
Attimes,he’dhelpwithhotelwork,likeschedulingorpayroll.Mostly,hereadwhileIworked.
Whoknewamanreadingcouldbesosexy?ConsideringeverythingJasperdidwasattractive,Ishouldn’thavebeensurprised.Thiswinter,ifwehadastringofquietdays,IhopedIcouldconvincehimtoreadaloudtome.Butthereadingwouldhavetowait.Atthemoment,wewerestillswamped.
TheshootinghadrockedQuincy.Itwassomethingoursmalltownwouldn’tsoonforget.
I’dthoughttrafficatthehotelwouldslowdown.Thatpeoplewouldfearthislobby.Thefirstweekhadbeenslower.There’dbeensomecancelations.Butthenithadrampeduplikenothinghadhappened.
Pluswe’dhadaninfluxoflocaltraffic,peoplewho’dcomeintogawkandseeiftheycouldspotthebulletholes.Thosevisitsannoyedtheshitoutofme—andJasper.Butmostly,peoplewouldcomeintogivemetheirbestandmeetourlocalhero.
Myhandsomehusband.Themanwho’dleaptinfrontofabulletforhiswife.
Thereweren’tmanypeopleinQuincywhodidn’tknowthenameJasperVale.Notanymore.Muchtohisdismay,hewasacelebritynow.Everywherewewent,he’dbeapproached.
Eventually,thatspotlightwouldfade,butitwouldtaketime.Sittingatthedeskcertainlywasn’thelpinghimblendintothebackground.Yethesathereallthesame.Notjustformysake.Buthistoo.
Wewerefindingourwaythroughthistogether.
Thedoorsopenedagain,butwithhishandovermine,Ididn’thavethesameknee-jerkreaction.InsteadIlookedupandsmiledasmyparentswalkedinside.
“Hey,guys.”Ihoppedoffmychair,roundingthedesktohugMomandDad.“Whatareyouuptotoday?”
“Errands.”DadwenttoJasper,clappinghimontheshoulder.“Itriedthosestretchbandsthismorning.Workedgreat.Myshoulderalreadyfeelsbetter.”
Jasperdippedhischin.“Gladitworked.”
Apparently,Dadhadtweakedhisshouldertryingtoliftanoldtractortirebyhimself.Whenhe’dcomplained,Jasperhadgivenhimsomeelasticbandsandshownhimsomestretchestodothatmightrelievetheache.
OfallthepeopleinmyfamilyI’dthoughtwouldwarmtoJasperfirst,Dadwouldhavebeenmyverylastguess.
Thenagain,Jasperhadtakenabulletforme.Dadwoulddojustaboutanything,includingfakinganinjurysohecouldhaveanexcusetospendtimewithhisson-in-law.TogettoknowthemanIloved.
“Doyouhaveaminutetotalk?”Iasked.TherewassomethingI’dwantedtovisitwiththemaboutallweek.“Maybewecouldgetsomelunch?”
“Icouldeat.”Dadpattedhisstomach.
“Metoo.”Mystomachhadbeengrowlingforalmostanhour.IblamedthatonJasper.We’dhadarushedbreakfastbecausewe’dgottendistractedbysexonthediningroomtable.
Ifoursexlifehadbeeninvigoratingbefore,nowthatweweren’tfakinganything,wewereinsatiable.HeteasedthatsincehewashereatthehotelinsteadofworkingoutwithFoster,itwasmyjobtomakesurehestayedinshape.
Itookmyjobseriously.
“Letmejustfindsomeonetosithereforme,”Isaid,pickingupthephonetocallahousekeeper.
Theminutethedeskwascovered,ItookJasper’shand,thetwoofusfollowingmyparentsintoKnuckles.
Therestaurantwasbustlingwithactivity.Knoxwasprobablyscramblinginthekitchen,workingfasttofeedtheFridaylunchcrowd.Thehostessseatedusataboothintheback,onereservedsolelyformyfamily,andhandedoverthelunchmenus.
“Shouldweeatfirst?Ortalk?”Dadasked.
“Talk.”HungryasIwas,itwastimetohavethisconversation.MaybeIshouldhavebeennervous,butthisdiscussionhadbeenalongtimecoming.Andnomattertheoutcome,I’dhaveJasper.
“What’sup?”Momasked.
“Thehotel.”
Myparentssharedalook.Dad’sgrinfadedasheleanedhisforearmsonthetable.Itwastheseriousposturehe’dassumewheneverhehadbadnews.“It’sbeenahardsummer.”
Inodded.“Yes,ithasbeen.”
“YourmotherandIwouldunderstandifyouwantedtotrysomethingdifferent.Ifyouwantedtoleavethehotel.”
Aftertheshooting,I’dconsideredit.EspeciallythosefirstfewdaysbackatworkwhenI’dhatedeverysecond,forcingsmilesandpretendingliketheworldwasonlysunshineandrainbows.WhenI’dhadtostareatthespotwhereakidhaddied.
ThekidwhowouldhavemurderedmebecauseI’dfiredhimfromapart-timejob.
TheEloisewas…mine.Goodandbad,thishotelwasstillmydream.AndIwouldn’tletanyonestealthatfromme.
“Iwantthehotel.”Isquaredmyshoulders,sittingtaller.Beneaththetable,Jasper’shandsqueezedmythigh.“Iunderstandwhyyouweren’treadytogiveittomeafewyearsago,butalothaschanged.We’reflourishing.I’veprovedmyselftimeandtimeagain.It’stimetotakethenextstep.Ifyou’renotreadyforthatorifyou’vechangedyourmindaboutgivingittome,thenI’mgoingtostepdownasmanager.Effectiveimmediately.”
MomandDadsatback,bothalittlesurprised.EvenIwasalittlesurprised.Icouldn’trememberatimeinrecentyearswhenI’ddemandedanythingfrommyparents.Certainlynotahotel.
ButI’dspentthepastfewweeksthinkingalotaboutthissituation.Aboutmyfamily.MomandDadhadn’tmadeGriffinorKnoxjumpthroughhoopafterhooptoinherittheirbusinesses.SoIwasdonejumpingtoearnmine.
Itwouldbreakmyheartiftheysaidno.Butifthatwastheirdecision,Ihadahusbandwho’dhelpmegluethepiecestogether.
Dadrelaxed,thengrinnedatJasper.
Momshifted,pullingoutafolderfromherpurse.Thensheunfoldedthetopflap,pullingoutastackofcrisp,whitepapers.Shesmiledassheslidthemacrossthetable.“We’vehadthesedrawnupforawhile,butwiththeshooting,wewantedtogiveyoutime.”
Wait.Thiswasit?Already?I’dplannedforthistogetawkwardanduncomfortable.Nottojust…getahotel.
“Readthroughthedocument,”Dadsaid.“Letusknowifyouhaveanyquestions.Ourlawyerdrafteditup,similartohowwetransferredtheranchtoGriffin.Butifyouwanttohireyourownattorneytoreviewit,thatwillbefine.Ifyou’regoodwitheverything,we’vealreadysignedit.Youjustneedtosignittoo.”
IturnedtoJasper.
Hewassmiling.
“Youknew.”
“Yeah.”
MomandDadslidoutofthebooth.“We’llleaveyoutwoalonetotalk.”
“Whataboutlunch?”Iasked.
MomtookDad’shand.“We’llgobugKnoxinthekitchen.”
“We’reproudofyou,”Dadsaidbeforetheywalkedaway.
“Didthatjusthappen?”IwhisperedtoJasper.
“Yeah,angel.”
“Ididn’texpectittoday.”Ilookedatthepapers.Iskimmedthetopsheetwithafingertip.Maybepartofmehadn’texpecteditatall.“WhatifIfail?”
“Youwon’t.”Hisconfidencewasunwavering.
“WhatifIdo?”
Hishandcuppedmycheek,forcingmygazetohis.“DoyouthinkI’dletyoufail?”
“No.”Ileanedintohistouch.
Fromthemomentwe’dstartedthisadventure,standingbesidethatfountain,he’dbeenbymyside.Theupsanddowns.Thegoodandbad.
Husbandandwife.
“Iownahotel.”
Hechuckled.“Youownahotel.”
“OhmyGod,Iownahotel.Myhotel.”
Jaspertuckedalockofhairbehindmyear.“Dreamcometrue?”
Onlybecausehewashere.“Andthensome.”EPILOGUEELOISE
Onemonthlater…
“I’mstaginganintervention.”
“Huh?”LylaaskedfromacrossthecounteratEdenCoffee.
“I’mkickingyouout.”
Sheblinked.
“Ofhere.Rightnow.Youhavetoleave.”
Lylastudiedmyface,thenlookedtoJasperatmyside.“Isshedrunk?”
“I’mstayingoutofthis.Goodluck,Lyla.”Hebenttokissmyhair,thenwalkedtoatableagainstthewall,takingaseat.
Jasperdidn’tapproveofthisideaI’dconcoctedatbreakfast.Mostlybecauseitwassupposedtobeourdayoff,andinsteadofbeingatthecoffeeshop,hewantedtospenditcelebrating.
Buthe’dletmedraghimdowntownanyway.ProbablybecauseheknewthatIwasstillcomingtotermswitheverythingthathadhappenedlastnight.
Aftermissingmyperiod,I’dtakenapregnancytestafterdinner.He’dalmostcriedwhenI’dhandedhimthatpositivestick.OrmaybeI’djustimaginedthesheenoftearsinhiseyes.Icouldn’texactlybesure.I’dbeenahotmess,bouncingbetweenpanickedhystericsandjoyouslaughter,cryingenoughforusboth.
Iwasstillutterlyfreaked.NeitherJaspernorIhadplannedonthis,andmybirthcontrol’sepicfailurehadinstantlychangedourplans.Theideaofmotherhood—whenI’djusttakenoverthehotel,whenJasperandIhadfinallysettledintoourmarriage—wasterrifying.Exciting.
Myemotionswerevolleyingbetweenhappyandscaredlikeaping-pongball,soinsteadofdealingwithmyfears,Iwashere,harassingLylainstead.
“You’veworkedonehundreddaysinarow,”Itoldher.“Yes,Icounted.Youhaven’ttakenadayoffsincethatSundayinAprilwhenyouwenttoMissoulatogetyourhaircut.”
Shescoffed.“I’vetakenotherdaysoffsincethen.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Oh,really?When?”
Shethoughtaboutitforamoment,thenhuffed.“Whatareyou,theworkpolice?Whoareyoutotalk,anyway?You’realwaysatthehotel.Goaway.I’mbusy.”
“Nope.”Iplantedmyhandsonmyhips.“Oneafternoon.That’sallI’maskingfor.Youleavehereforoneafternoonanddosomethingnonworkrelated.”
“Why?”
Igaveherasadsmile.“BecauseI’mworriedaboutyou.Idon’twantyoutoburnyourselfout.”
“Iwon’t.”
“Butyoumight.”Iclaspedmyhandstogether.“Please?JusttaketherestofthedayoffsoIcanstopworrying.”
“Ican’tjustleave,Eloise.”
“Whynot?”IwavedtoCrystal,Lyla’sbarista,asshecameoutofthekitchencarryingafreshtrayofscones.“Crystalishere.JasperandIwillhangoutandhelpclose.”
Nowthatthesummerrushwasbehindus,WednesdayswereslowindowntownQuincy.IftherewaseveradayforLylatocutoutearly,itwasnow.
“Gohome,”Isaid.“Relax.”
“Ican’tgohome,”Lylasaid.“IfIdo,I’llthinkofeverythingthatneedstogetdoneandI’llcomerightback.”
Notallthatlongago,whenI’dlivedinmyrentalacoupleblocksaway,I’dbeenthesamewaywiththehotel.IthadtakenJaspertosolvethatproblem.Everynight,Ilookedforwardtogoinghome.Andwhiletherewerealwaysthingsonmymind,itwaseasiertoignorethem,tosavethemforthenextday.Anotherintheendlessstringofperksthatcamewithasexyhusbandwhokeptmymindoccupied.
“Youcouldgotoamovie,”Isuggested.
“Idon’tfeellikepopcorn.LasttimeIwasthereIatetoomuchanditgavemeastomachache.”
“Thendon’tgetpopcorn.”
“Thenwhat’sthefuningoingtoamovie?”
Themovie.Irolledmyeyes.“You’reexhausting.Goforahikethen.Youlovehiking,andIknowyouhardlywentthissummer.It’sabeautifulday.Getsomefreshair.Disconnect.Doanything.Justleavethisbuildinguntiltomorrowmorning.”
“Why?”shewhined.“Ilikeithere.Letmestay.I’llmakeyousomethingyummy.Chocolatecroissants?”
“Tempting.Butno.”Ishookmyhead.“Thisjobisbecomingyourpersonality.”
Shescruncheduphernose.“Harsh.”
“YoucameintothehotelonMondayandaskedifyoucouldgetmeanythingelse.Inmybuilding.Youserveandwaitonpeopleeveryday.Just…foroneafternoon,dosomethingforyou.”
Lylagroaned.“You’renotgoingtoleavemealoneuntilIagree,areyou?”
“Nope.”
“Fine.I’llgoforahikeorwhatever.”
“Yay.Thankyou.”Iclaspedmyhandsinfrontofmetokeepfromclapping.“Maybeyou’llmeetyourdreamguywhileyou’reouthiking.”
“I’mstartingtothinkmydreamguydoesn’texist.”Sheuntiedherapron.“You’llcallmeifsomethinggoeswrong.”
“Yes.”
“There’splentyoffoodinthekitchen,butifforanyreasoncookingisrequired—”
Iheldupmyhand.“Ipromisenottogoanywherenearanoven.That’swhyIbroughtJasper.OrI’llaskCrystal.”
Sheglancedaround,almostlikesheexpectedthecoffeeshop’swallstorescueher.Untilshemusthaverealizedthat,justmaybe,Iwasright.“Allright.Youwin.I’llgo.Happynow?”
“Yep.”IwaiteduntilshedisappearedtothekitchenbeforeIfistpumped.
“Thankyou,”Crystalmouthed,checkingoverhershouldertomakesureLylawasgone.Thensheleanedincloser.“Youguysdon’tneedtostickaround.I’mjustfineonmyown.”
“Oh,wedon’tmind.”Ishrugged.IfitwouldmakeLylafeelbetterthatwewereheretohelpcloseandcleanupfortheday,we’dstay.“Butwemightwanderaroundforawhileifyoudon’tmind.”
“Finebyme.”
IthadbeenmonthssinceI’dwalkedaimlesslyupanddownQuincy’ssidewalks.Notsincebeforethesummerrush.
SoIwaitedtoshooLylaoutthebackdoor,lingeringonthethresholdtomakesuresheactuallygotinhercaranddroveaway.ThenIfoundJasperathistable.“Feelliketakingawalk?”
“Sure.”Hestoodandtookmyhand,leadingmeoutofthecoffeeshop.
LikeI’dtoldLyla,itwasabeautifulday.Theairwasbeginningtocool.Theleaveswerejustbarelytintedwithyellow.FallwasneveralongseasoninMontana.MaybethatwaswhyIlikeditsomuch.Youhadtoappreciateitwhileitlasted.
“Youokay?”Jasperaskedaswesettledintoaneasystroll.
“Idon’tknow.We’rehavingababy.Areyou?”
Jasperclaspedmyhandtighter,leaningdowntokissmyhair.“I’mgood,angel.”
“ThenI’llbegoodtoo.”
Wewalkedforawhile,holdinghands,staringintowindowsandsmilingatthepeoplewepassed.Whenwereachedtheendoftheblock,JasperturnedusaroundandwemeanderedbacktowardEdenCoffee.
“Willyoumarryme?”
Wait.What?Istopped,forcinghimtostoptoo.NowayI’dheardthatright.“Saythatagain.”
“Willyoumarryme?”
Ireachedupandfelthisforeheadwiththebackofmyhand.“Areyousick?”
Jasperchuckled,hiseyescrinklingatthesides.“Areyougoingtoanswerme?”
“Ialreadymarriedyou.”
“Butdoyouwantawedding?Arealwedding.Haveaparty.Inviteyourfamily.Haveyourdadwalkyoudowntheaisle.Allthat?”
Oh.WouldImarryhim?DidIwantthefancyceremonyandlavishparty?
I’dthoughtso.Once.Butifwehadawedding,itwouldovershadowournightattheCloverChapel.Anightthatwasasimperfectasitwasbeautiful.Theideaoferasingitmademyheartsink.
“Doyou?”IaskedJasper.
Maybehewantedawedding.Anewmemorytoconcealtheold.Aweddingnottaintedbyhisuglyex-wife.
“No.”Heshookhishead.“Idon’twantawedding.Butifyouwanttowearawhitegown,ifyouwantmeinatux,justsaytheword.”
Wedidn’tneedagownoratux.
Ourlovestorywasn’ttypical.Itcertainlywasn’twhatI’dimaginedasalittlegirl.Butitwasours.
“Nowedding.ButI’dtakeahoneymoon.”
“Deal.”Jasperclaspedmyhandagain,holdingittight.HoldingitthewayDadheldMom’s.Thenhestartedusdownthesidewalkagain.“Wheredoyouwanttogo?”
Athousandplacescametomind.TheywereallfromthatlistI’dcreatedasakidwithMom,placesthatourhotelguestscalledhome.
WheredidIwanttogo?Anywhere.I’dgoanywherewithJasper.
Iliftedourclaspedhands,bringinghisknucklestomymouthforakiss.“Surpriseme.”
***
Fourmonthslater,withourdaughtergrowinginsideme,myhusbandtookmebacktoParis.
***
WantmoreEloiseandJasper?DownloadtheBonusEpilogueHERE
***
TheEdensseriescontinueswithCrimsonRiverCRIMSONRIVER
LylaEdenhasspentthelastfewyearswatchinghersiblingsfallinlove.Meanwhile,she’smarriedtoherjob.It’sonherhundredthconsecutiveworkdaythathersisterstagesanintervention,kickingLylaoutofherowncoffeeshop.Withnothingelsetodo,Lylasetsoutonherfavoritehikingtrail.
It’stherethatshespotsamanwashingbloodfromhishandsinastream.Onemomentshe’sstaringatthejaggedscaronhisface.Thenext,hishandisaroundherthroat.Butbysomemiracle,heletshergo.
Shakentohercore,Lylareportstheincidenttothelocalpolice.Twodayslater,VanceSutterarrivesintown,armedwithendlessquestionsandatarnishedbadge.
Vancemayberuggedlyhandsomebuthe’sasmysteriousasthemanhe’shunting.Andhe’llbegonefromQuincyinablink.YetLyla’scrushisimpossibletostop.
NomatterhowhardVancetriestoignoreit,there’snodenyingthechemistrybetweenthem.AndavoidingLylaisnotanoption.Afteryearsofchasingdeadends,she’shisonlyleadtoclosingthecasethathauntshiscareer.Sotogether,they’llretracehersteps.
Tofindthescarredmanshemetbesideacrimsonriver.
***
OrderCrimsonRiverACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ThankyouforreadingJasperVale!
Amassivethankstomyamazingteam.Myeditor,ElizabethNover.Myproofreaders,JulieDeaton,JudyZweifelandKaitlynMoodie.Mycoverdesigner,SarahHansen.Mypublicist,Nina.ToLoganandtoVicki,thanksforallyoudo.
Thankstoalltheinfluencerswhoreadandpromotemybooks.Tomyfamily,everybookremindsmeofyourunendingloveandsupport.Thankyou!Andlastly,anotherthankstoyouforreading.Iamsogratefulthatwithallthebooksintheworld,youchosetogetlostwithinthepagesofmine.ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
DevneyPerryisaWallStreetJournalandUSATodaybestsellingauthorofoverfortyromancenovels.Afterworkinginthetechnologyindustryforadecade,sheabandonedconferencecallsandprojectschedulestopursueherpassionforwriting.ShewasbornandraisedinMontanaandnowlivesinWashingtonwithherhusbandandtwosons.
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The Edens 4) Crimson River

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