The Fixer Upper

G.P.Putnam’sSons
PublishersSince1838
AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC
penguinrandomhouse.com
Copyright?2022byAndreaMichael
PenguinRandomHousesupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinRandomHousetocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Forsythe,Lauren,author.
Title:Thefixerupper:anovel/LaurenForsythe.
Description:NewYork:G.P.Putnam’sSons,[2022]|
Identifiers:LCCN2022019012(print)|LCCN2022019013(ebook)|ISBN9780593422519(tradepaperback)|ISBN9780593422526(ebook)
Subjects:LCGFT:Romancefiction.|Novels.
Classification:LCCPR6106.O7794F592022(print)|LCCPR6106.O7794(ebook)|DDC823/.92—dc23/eng/20220425
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022019012
LCebookrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022019013
Coverdesignandillustration:SandraChiu
BookdesignbyKatyRiegel,adaptedforebookbyMaggieHunt
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businesses,companies,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
pid_prh_6.0_140577848_c0_r0CONTENTS
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
Acknowledgments
DiscussionQuestions
AbouttheAuthorForthewomenwholearned,soonerorlater,thatselfishisnotadirtyword.
Ittookmeawhile,too.ONE
“I’mafraidwearen’tabletoaccommodateatableforonethisevening,madam.”
TheconciergeattheDarlingtonwashandsomeinablandsortofway.Hehadthesincere,apologeticlookperfected,almost.Butheapparentlycouldn’thidetheirritatedwrinkleabovehiseyebroworhowhisgazekeptshiftingtothecouplebehindme.Thekindofcustomershewanted,dolleduptothenines,andmoreimportantly,notalone.
Herewego.
Ibaredmyteethinafiercesmile,tryingtoignoretheembarrassmentstainingmycheeks.Givingmeaway.Notnow,Aly.
“Well…Imean…youtookmyreservation,so…couldyoupleaseseewhatyoucando?”Istraightenedmyspineandtriedtoemulatesomeoneelse.AnAmazonianwarrior,perhaps,desperatelyinneedofasteakandaquietnight.OrsomeonelikemyfriendTola,whowouldnevertakenoforananswer.Yes,whatwouldTolasay?“Especiallyasitdoesn’tsayanywhereonyourwebsiteaboutnotacceptingsolodiners.”
“Madam,it’sjustnot…”Hesighedandturnedhisattentionbacktothereservationslistinfrontofhim.Noway,mate,saywhatyoulike,I’mnotjustgoingtoslitheraway.
Ilookedpasthimtothehighvaultedceilings,opulentchandeliers,andsoftrosecrushed-velvetseats.Ideservedaneveningofdecadence,ofperfectwinepairingsandfoodwherethechefwasmakingastatement.AndjustbecauseIwasdiningalonedidn’tmeanIwasgoingtomissout.
ThirdThursdaysweretheonlytimenooneneededanythingfromme.Theyweremyonenightoffreedomtoblowoffsomesteam,takemyselfonanadventure,treatmyselfthewayI’dbetreatedifIwasinarelationship.Seeinganewexhibition,goingtoashow,eatingsomethingthatwouldmakememouth“wow”tomyselfandlookaroundforsomeonetotalktoaboutit.Toworkmywaythroughanexpensivecoupleofglassesofwine,safeintheknowledgethatIwasn’tmissingout,wasn’tbeingleftbehind.Thatforagloriousfewhoursnoonewasgoingtoaskmeforanything.
It’sjustnotprofitable.That’swhathewantedtosay.Andhewasgoingtotry,eversodelicately,toshamemeintogivingup.Butithadtakenmonthstogetcomfortablediningalone,andIwasn’tgoingtoletasnootywaiterthrowmeoff.Thiswasmynight.
“Look,man.”Ifeltthemaninthecouplebehindmeleanforward,findingmyselfoverwhelmedbyasuddencloudofcologne.“Justfindheratable,okay?OtherwiseI’mprettysureit’sdiscrimination.”
Theconciergepressedhislipstogether,andIcouldtellhewasweighingupthelikelihoodofasocialmediastorm:DinersinLondonrestaurantcometoaidoflonefemale,whojustwantedtotrythechef’saward-winningtortellini.
Ibrieflyconsideredburstingintotears,justtoseeifitgotmeanywhere.Theconciergeseemedtosensethatwasmynextmove.
“Onemoment,”hesnipped,anddisappeared.
Iturnedtotheaftershavefiendbehindmetothankhim,andblinkedinsurprise.
“Jason!”
“Aly!”Hisfacelitup,andheputoutanarmsohecouldsweepinandkissmeonbothcheeks.Thewomanathissidesmiled,tiltingherheadslightlyinthatwaythatsuggestedsheexpectedanintroductionimmediately.
“Thisismywife,Diana.”
Inoddedather,uncertain.ShelookedsochicandItriednottoscanherasshewasscanningme,takinginherlusciousdarkhairandpainfullystylish-yet-understatedoutfit.Weseemedtocometothesameconclusionattheexactsametime:Jasonhadatypeandhehaddefinitelyupgraded.
Ipulledahandthroughmydarkcurls,suddenlyself-conscious.
“Married!Wow!Congratulations!”Iwasawalkingexclamationmachine.Ipaused,lookedathimagain,andblinked.“Honestly,Ibarelyrecognizeyou.”
Thismanhadslicked-backblondhair,afittedshirt,andsmartblacktrousers.Isquintedalittleandwonderedifhe’dhadhisteethwhitened.TheJasonIknewfiveyearsagohadlivedincargoshortsandoversizedT-shirtswithholesandtiedhisscragglystrawberry-blondhairbackwithapieceofstring.He’dlivedinhisparents’basement,teachingguitartolocalkidswithoutreallymoreinmindforhislifethanthat.TherewerenohardfeelingswhenIendedit,ithadjust…runitscourse.Theyusuallydid,onewayoranother.
I’dlikedhim,though;hishippie,easygoingapproachmeanthewasmyexactopposite.Hiscargoshortshadhundredsofpocketsthatalwaysheldcardboardproteinbarsincaseofemergency.Heusedtomisquotephilosophersandpretendhewasmakingituponthespot.
Icouldn’trememberifthatwaswhatfinallypushedmetoendtherelationship.Thatorthepinkiefingernailhealwayskeptlongforstrumming—thatsuper-longnailalwaysfreakedmeout.
“Oh,I’msure.Ihadabitofa…well,anepiphany,Isuppose?”Heturnedtohiswife.“AlyandIdatedwhenIusedtobealazybumlivingatmyparents’.Infact,IoweittoherthatIfinallygrewupandgotmyacttogether!”
Dianaraisedaneyebrowandlookedatmequizzically.Ihalfshruggedinresponse.
“How’sthat?”
“Allthattalkofpotential,andthatIcouldreallydosomethingwithmylifeifIfoundwhatIwaspassionateabout!”Hestilltalkedwithhishands,andInoticedhisgoldweddingringglintinginthelight.Hisnailswereallcutshort.
Ilaughed,feelingmyselfblush.“Sorry,that’smyparticularbrandofenthusiasm.Lovewaxinglyricalaboutpotential.Itgetsold.”
“No.”Hereachedouttotouchmyarm,kindnessinhiseyes.“Ikeptthinkingaboutwhatyousaid,andIdecidedIwantedtogetmyownplace,youknow?AndthenIgotthatemailfromthatfreecourseyou’dsignedmeupforandthought,whynot?Igotajob,metDiana,andnowwe’reherecelebratingbuyingourfirsthome!”
“Wow!”Ibreathed,blinkingagain.“Allthatinfiveyears?That’samazing.”
Isuddenlyrealizedwheretheconversationwasabouttoshift,andtherewasnowaytoavoidit.Iralliedmyenergyfortheinevitable:Who’sdoingbetternow?Who’swinningatlife?
Thereitwas,thatever-so-slightlypityingheadtilt,andthen…
“Sowhataboutyou,whathaveyoubeenupto?”
ApartfromarguingwithaconciergeaboutbeingabletodinesoloinarestaurantonaThursdaynight?
“Oh,youknow”—Iwavedawayhisquestioncasually—“stilllivinginLondon,workinginmarketing.Gettingturnedawayfromfancyrestaurants.”
Theylaughedpolitely,andIwatchedinhorrorasaqueuestartedtoformbehindus.Theconciergewasbusyragingathismanager,sendingmedeathglares.
“Soareyoustillatthemarketingagency?Youwantedtobe…brandmanagerorsomething,right?”Jasonprompted,andItriednottowince.
Iwastakenabackbythefactthatheremembered.Ishouldn’thavebeen,Jasonhadbeensweet,afterall.He’dtaughtmetosurfoneweekendinCornwall,andwe’dsatonourboardsintheoceanwhilsthetoldmeIwasanoldsoul.Heplayedguitarbeautifullyandworetheselittlewovenbraceletshemadewhenhegotfidgety.ButthebasementandthefactthatI’dseenhimonceblowhisnoseintoasockbecausehecouldn’tbebotheredtofindatissuewerethefingernailsinthecoffin.Andnowhewasamarriedhomeownerwithcoiffedhair.
Ireachedformypre-preparedstandbystatement—enthusiasticandsuccessful,butnotboastful.Busy,potentiallyimportant,butnotstuckup.Thestatementthatsaid:I’mhavingsuchagreattimelivingmylifeI’mnotevenconsideringcompetingwithyouandyourfamilyandyourmarriageandyourhome.Thestatementthatsaid:IamH-A-P-P-Y.
“Headofbranding,yeah!”Iyelped.“I’m…onmyway!StillatAmora,eversobusy,we’rereallygrowingfromaboutiqueagencytoaplacewithlotsofbig-nameclients.I’mworkingwithsomegreattechfirmsrightnow!I’m…stilllivinginthecity,lovingit,breathingitallin,youknow?Everydayisanadventure!Theinterviewsforheadofbrandingareinacoupleofweeks,actually…”
Ohgod,Ihadclearlybeentalkingaboutthatpromotionfiveyearsago,andasmuchasFelixpromisedmeIwasclose,Iwasinexactlythesameplace.
“We’llkeepourfingerscrossedforyou,”Dianasaidkindly,clearlyrecognizingIwasabsolutelynothreat.
“Andwhataboutbeyondbusiness?Areyouseeinganyonespecial?”Thateyebrowwrigglewasstartingtoannoyme.Hiswifetappedhisshoulderwithherclutch.
“Don’taskpeoplethat!”shehissed,andforamomentwesharedsolidarity.
Ishookmyheadandsmiledtosayitwasfine,assumingasingsongvoice.“Everyoneisspecialintheirownway,Jason.”
“So,noonemorespecialthananyoneelse?”
EvenDianalookedirritatedthattime.
Whydidthehappilycoupledalwaysinsistonparadingtheirstatusinfrontofeveryoneelse,likewewerethelastonesleftinamusicalchairssemifinal?Betterhurryuporthere’llbenooneleft…
Iwinkedwinsomely.“IguessI’mjusthavingwaytoomuchfun.”
Icouldalmostseethemthinkit:Funlikediningaloneinafancyrestaurantthatwon’tletyouin?
Iwinced,lookingaroundforthenexttopicofconversation,butluckilyJasonhadthatmistylookinhiseyeandtookcareofitforme.
“Ireallydowanttothankyou,Aly.Honestly,ifyouhadn’tpushedme,I’dneverhavechangedmylifeforthebetter.”HegesturedatDianaandshelaughed.
“Unrecognizable,”Isaidtightly,thensmiled.“I’mreallyhappyforyou,Jason.”
Hetiltedhischinatthereturningconciergeandloweredhisvoice.“Andifhewon’tletyoudine,you’rewelcometojoinus.Youshouldn’tbedeniedadinnerjustbecauseyougotstoodup!Feminism!”
Itiltedmyheadathimandlookedathiswife,whogavemeabemusedshrug.
“That’sverykind,butIwasn’tstoodup,Ijustbookedto—”
“MissAresti,pleasefollowme.”Theconciergegatheredupthemenusandnoddedhisheadtowardthediningroom.
IturnedbacktoJasonandDiana,speakingalittletooloudly.“Whatarelief.IfIhadn’tbeenabletoreviewthisplacetonight,myeditorwouldhaveskeweredme!”IalmostfelttheconciergetwitchandsawthatsmileonDiana’sfaceagain.Goodforher,shedeservedaJason2.0.“Congratulationsonthehouse!”
Ifollowedtheconcierge,headheldhigh,andthenpaused,lookingback.“Hey,Jason,doyoustillplayguitar?”
Heshookhishead,good-naturedasever.“Nah,Idon’treallyhavetimeforthatstuffanymore.”
Inoddedandturnedback,unsurewhyI’dneededtoask.
Theconciergeraisedaneyebrow,asifIshouldbeeternallygratefulforhisattention,andIfollowed,takingaseatandorderingwithoutapause.Ialwayslookedatthemenuonlinebeforediningout.
Icouldtellhewantedtotellmehewasn’tawaiter,andwasn’tgoingtotakemyorder,buthesimplyassumedalong-sufferingsmileandlistened.Itfeltlikeawin.
Whenmyorderwasaccepted,myglassofwinearrived,andIgotoutmybook.Finally,Icouldbreathe.
Thiswasmeanttobeatreat,notanordeal.Onceamonth,rainorshine,Iboughtadelightfulmeal,dranksomethingdelicious,andreadmybookatarestaurantinLondon,onehundredpercentalone,whetherIwasseeingsomeoneornot.ItwastheonetimeIdidn’thavetopretendtobeanyoneelse,didn’thavetodoanythingforanyone.Didn’thavetogoonadatewithsomeone,fizzingwithhope,onlytofindtheywerethirty-fiveandhadn’tdealtwiththeirchildhoodtraumas,didn’tknowhowtoaskaquestionandlistentotheanswer,andstillweren’twearingmatchingsocks.Itwaseasiertodatemyself.
Besides,IwasstilllickingmywoundsafterMichael.I’dmethimatthefarmers’marketonaSaturdaymorning,buyingfancyolives.He’dlookedacrossatmeandsimplysaid,“Hello,you,”inthissurpriseddelight,asifhe’dbeenwaitingformeandhadn’tbelievedI’deverappear.Michaelhadareallylovelysmile,andhemadethebestcappuccinoI’devertastedoutsideItaly.Which,inhindsight,wasn’treallyagoodreasontofancysomeone.
I’dhelpedhimfindanewflatafterhishorriblehousesharecametoanend.AndthenIspentaweekhelpinghimmoveandpaintedhiswallsandhelpedhimsetuphiscounciltaxpayment.OurdatinglifewasmainlyalotoftimewalkingaroundIKEAandbuildinghisfurniture.Afterthat,hesaiditwasmovingalittletoofast,andIwas“exhibitinggirlfriend-likebehavior.”Buthethankedmeforgettingagreatdealonthemovers.
AndsohereIwasagain,returningtomyself.Makinganeffort.Thedinnerscouldfeelawkwardsometimes,butIkeptdoingthem,hopingthatonedayitwouldgeteasier,untilIlookedlikethatwomanI’donceseeninNewYork,diningaloneatthebar.She’dlookedsorelaxed,soconfident,sippingherwineandreadingherbook,occasionallytakingdelicatebitesofasparagus.I’ddecidedIwantedtobelikethat.Nomatterhowmanytimesthewaiterslookedatmewithpity.
Normally,afterthefirstfiveminutesoffeelingondisplay,Isettledintoit,buttonightmyeyeskeptstrayingtoJasonacrosstheroom,sowell-groomed,sosuccessful.Fiveyearshadpassed,andhe’dturnedintoacompletelydifferentperson.WhilstI,AlyssaAresti,identifierofpotentialandnaggerintoself-actualization,wasstillinexactlythesamejob,thesamedampLondonstudioflat,andstillsingleatthirty-three.Ihadnoneofthemarkersofthirty-somethingsuccesstomyname.
Iwasn’tsurewhyseeingJasonsucceedirritatedmesomuch.PerhapsbecauseI’dspentsolongtryingtoencouragehim,tryingtohelphimfigureoutwhathewanted.HowmanyhourshadIscouredtheinternetanddonejobquizzeswithhim?Howmanytimeshadwehadconversationsaboutpersonalhygiene,andnotyellingupstairstohisparentsthatwewerehaving“alonetime”wheneverwe’dbeenabouttohavesex?
Theracethroughyourtwentiesandthirtiesisn’tmeanttobeacompetition.Successlooksdifferentforeveryone,andwe’renotalllookingforthesamethings.Logically,Iknewthat.ButasIwatchedJasonandhiswifedrinkfromtheirbottleofchampagne,toastingtheirnewhome,IknewIwaslyingtomyself.
Whatevergamewewereplaying,he’dwon.AndIhadafeelingI’dhelpedhimdoit.TWO
“Andsonowhe’saprojectmanager!”ItoldTolaandEricbythecoffeemachinesinthecommunalkitchenatworkthenextmorning.IliedthatI’dmetafriendinabar,andasIwasleaving,Jasonhadappeared.Ididn’twantthemtoknowaboutmysolodiningexploits.TheyweretheclosestIhadtorealfriends,eventhoughourextracurricularactivitiesonlywentasfarasafter-workdrinksandtheoccasionaldrunkkebab.Evenso,Ididn’twantthemtoknowmysadself-careritualwasgorgingonhandmadepastaanddrinkinganoverpricedRiojaonmyownonceamonth.
“Wasthistheonewhowasshitattheukulele?”Ericasked.
Ishookmyhead.“Guitar.Andhewasn’tshit.”
“Musthavebeenoneoftheotherman-childrenyou’vedated.”Ericstuckouthistongueatme,andIraisedaneyebrow,passinghimhiscoffee.
“Ihaveneverdatedaukuleleplayer.Gregusedtobuildocarinas,butthat’snotthesamething.”
Tolaburstoutlaughing.“Idon’trememberthisone.Oh,wait,wasittheguywhodidn’tspeakatall?”
Ishookmyhead.“Beforeyourtime.Aboutfiveyearsago.”
“AndhethankedyouformakinghimintoacapitalistKendoll?”
Ericjumpedin,pointingatme.“ShehadherworkcutoutwithJason.HeoncespentfifteenminutestellingmetheplotofafilmthatI’dtoldhimabout.Andhethoughtsurfingwasapersonalitytraitratherthanahobby.”Ericalwayshadquitealottosayoncehegothimselfgoing.Myterribletasteinboyfriendswasoneofhisfavoritetopics.“Oh,andhealwaysreferredtotheseaasawoman.Iwatchedherbountifulwavescaresstheshore…douchebag.Hehadtobetheworstone,right,Aly?”
Irolledmyeyesandpretendeditwasn’tbotheringme.AndthatIhadn’timmediatelygonehomelastnightandlookedupJasononLinkedIn.
“Buthey,theyonlylastafewmonths,soifyoudidn’tlike’em,there’snotimewasted.”Tolabroughtmebacktotheconversationathand,herfuchsialipstickrefocusingmyattention.“Irespectthat.”
“Really?YourespectAly’sabsolutefailuretocommit?”Ericrolledhiseyes,andIpouted.
“It’snotlikeIdoitonpurpose!”Iyelped.“Iputmyselfoutthere,Itrytobekindandlovingand…itjustfallsapart.It’snotalwaysmedoingthedumping.”
Ericraisedaneyebrow.“Nooneischoosingthosemenonpurpose.Unlessyourtypeishopelessbaby.You’renotdatingforkeeps,sweetheart.Thosearetimewasters.”
“You’remeantoday!DidyougoonanotherGrindrdatelookingforromanceandendupwithmeaninglesssexagain?”Isang,hopingtoredirecttheconversation.
Ericlookedaroundtheofficetoseeifanyonehadoverheard,outofhabit,andglaredatme.“Thereisnothingwrongwithwantingarealconnectionwithsomeone.”
“No,butyoucan’tgolookingforacomfortableknittedcardiganinasexshopandthencomplainaboutitbeingabitchillyaroundthenipples.”Tolalookedatme.“AmIright?”
Isnorted.“Youarealwaysright.”
EricandIhadknowneachotherforquiteafewyears.Whenhe’dstartedatthecompany,notlongafterme,Iwasintimidatedbyhim.Herewassomeonemyagewithafancysuitandahomeandabeautifulfiancée.Hehadswishyhairandspicycologneandalwaysknewhowtotalktopeople.Hewasalwayslaughing.Everyoneintheadsdepartmentlovedhim,hangingaroundhisdeskinthehopesofagoodstoryandabitofbanter.
Itwasn’tuntilhe’dbeenthereaboutsixmonthsthatIlefttheofficelate,foundmybushadbeencanceled,andbumpedintohiminthepub.He’dbeenafewdrinksdownandwasworseforwear.Heclearlywantedsomeonetotalkto.That’swhenIfoundouthisbeautifulperfectlifewasallalie.BecauseEricwasgay,andheneededtotellhisfiancéeandmoveoutofhisflatandfigureouthowtostarthislifeover.Ihappenedtobethefirstpersonhetold,andit’shardnottobefriendsaftersomethinglikethat.
Tolaonlyjoinedusayearago,andweweren’treallysurewhythisbold,gorgeoustwentysomethingwantedtohangoutwithus.Shewasthisabsoluteforceofnature—she’dleftschooltogoauditionforBroadwayinNewYorkandbecameacostumedesigner.Butwhenshecamehome,sheendedupreinventingherselfasasocialmediaexpert.IgotthesenseshethoughtmeandEricneededher,thatweneededsomeonewiththatGenZenergytostopusbeingtwobitterMillennials,constantlybitchingabouteverything.Andshewasabsolutelyright.Shealsobroughtthetriple-strengthdoseoftoughlovewhenweneededit,whichcan’tbeunderestimated.
“So,whyisthisannoyingyou?”sheaskedaswewalkedovertomydesk.
“It’snot.IwishJasonallthebest.”
“Aly,youareverygoodatlyingtoyourself,butIdon’tgoinforallthat.Indulgeme.”Sheleanedagainstmydeskandgesturedwithabrightbluefingernail.
“Becausehe’sdoingbetterthanIam!”Iwhined,puttingmyheadonthedeskinfrustration.“Fivemeaslyyears,andhereinventedhimself,gotanewcareer,mettheloveofhislife,gotmarried,savedadeposit,andboughtahouse.WhathaveIdoneinthattime?”
“Earnedtherespectofyourpeersandclients?Terrifiedanentireofficewithyourefficiency?”Tolaoffered.
“Drunkabouteightbathtubsfullofwine?”Ericadded.
“Nothelpful!”Ithrewapencilathim,thensatbackinmychair.
Ilookedatthem.“ShouldIhaveheldoutlongerwithJason?DidIquittooearly?Ithoughthehadnodrive,butclearlyhehasitnow.MaybeI’mthrowingawayperfectlygoodrelationshipsjustbecausepeoplehaveflaws?MaybeI’mbeingtoopicky?”
Ericmadeaface.“There’sflawsandthenthere’s…whatever’supwiththeguysyoudate.You’renotbeingtoopicky—you’renotbeingpickyenough!LikethatguyNathan!”
“Nathanwasreallylovely!”Iobjected.“Hehadbigdreams,hewantedtobeanactor!”
“Yeah,andyouendeduppayingforhisactingclassesandbookinghisgigsforfivemonths!”Ericthrewhisheadback.“Andyoudidn’ttakeacommission!”
Tolanodded.“Eric’sright,babe.Youknowwhatyourproblemis?You’renotdatingmen,you’redatingprojects.”
IcouldseeEricdoingamentaltallyofthemenI’ddatedandwatchedasthesmileonhisfacegrew.
“Stopit!Youlookwaytoosmug.”
“No,she’sright,Aly!Youtakeontheselittlebrokenbirds,putallyoureggsintheirbasket,andthentheomeletendsuprubbish.”
“Stopmixingmetaphors!”Irolledmyeyes.“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“Itmeansyoudatemenwhoaren’tfullyformedgrown-upsyet,putallyourenergyintomakingtheirlivesbetter,andthenyougetexhaustedandtapoutbeforeyougetanyoftherewardsofyourlabor.”
“Ooh.”Tolawiggledhereyebrows.“Rewardsofyourlabor.Sexystuff.He’sgotapoint,though—Jasonsaidithimself,he’sbetterofffordatingyou.Newandimproved.”
“He’snotimproved,he’sjust…different,”Iargued.
“He’smoresuccessfulthanwhenyoudatedhim.Andhopefullylessofapretentiousknob,buthey,you’renotamiracleworker.”Ericsnorted.“Faceit,Aly,thisiswhatyoudo.Youdateguyswhoaren’tworthyofyou,andthenyoudoeverythingforthem.It’sapattern.”
Ithrewupmyhands.“WhatdidIdoforJeremy?”
Tolalaughed,holdingupahand.“Easy,youdog-sathisdemonpoodleforaweekandtoilettrainedit.Hedidn’tevensaythankyou!”
“AndyougothimonthelineupatBelle’stotryandlaunchhismusiccareer,andhemisseditbecausehegotdrunkwithhismates.”
Iwinced.“Okay,wecanstopthisnow.”
Eric’seyeswidened.“No,he’stheperfectexample!Iheardhimontheradiolastweek!Untalentedbastardcouldbarelygethimselfoutofbedandnowhe’sgotanalbumout?”
Ericgrinnedatme,andIshookmyhead,unsureofwhatwascomingnextbutcertainitwouldn’tbegood.
“Asamanofdata,Isensewe’vegotapatternhere,andIwanttoinvestigate.Ibetyoufiftyquidthatifyougiveusalistofyourboyfriends,we’llfindallofthemhavegoneontobesuccesses.”
Tolawasfrowning,andIhopedshewasabouttodefendme.Butthenshesmiled,thatfull-beam,megawattsmileofhers,anditwasclearshewasabouttomakethisworse.“Weneedapropermeasurementsystem.Successisrelative.Weneedanumericalassignmenttoeachvalue.Anditcan’tbe,like,alltheboyfriendsAly’severhad.Onlytheshort-term,hopelessones?”Tolaturnedtome,likeshewasaskingmypermission.
“Thanks,”Isnorted.“What’sthepointofthis?”
“ConfirmingatheoryIhave.”Erictappedthesideofhisnoseandwalkedofftohisdesk.
IlookedatTola.“What’sinitforme,exactly?”
Sheshrugged.“Self-awareness?Givingyourmatessomethingtolaughat?Justsendmealistofnames,okay?”
Mymobilestartedringing,andIheldupmyhands,wavingheraway.“Okay,okay,whatever.WewanttoplaymakefunofAly,that’sfine.I’vegottogetthis.”
Itookadeepbreathandansweredthephone.“Hi,Mama,I’mjustabouttogointoameeting,everythingokay?”
“Ofcourse,you’rebusy,toobusyformynonsense.”Mymother’svoicewassoftandself-effacing,daringmetoagreewithher.Iknewhergame,though.You’renevertoobusyforfamily,Alyssa,don’tforgetthat.
“Mama!”Ihuffed,reachingforapen.“I’mhere,what’sup?”
“It’syourfather.”
Iletthesilencehangthere.
“Whatdidhedo?”Thistime.
Shepaused.“MaybeIwasbeingoversensitive.”
“Mama—”
“No,yougo,clevergirl.Lotsofpeoplecountingonyou.You’llcomefordinnerthisweek,yes?”
“Sure.Let’sgoforSundaylunch,mytreat,”Isaid,andheardhersqueakofdelight.Icouldimagineherclappingherhandsincelebrationofagoodidea.Ofcourse,we’dspendmorethanhalfthetimetalkingaboutmyfatherandwhathe’ddonemostrecently,butwe’dhaveagoodtimetheremainingtwentypercentthatwasjustforus.
“Soundsgood.Iloveyou,darling,”shesaid,makingakissingnoisedownthephone,andthenshewasgone.
ForawhileI’dthoughtlovingandsupportingherwouldbeenoughtohelphergetoverhimafterheleft,butitdidn’twork.Asmygrandmausedtosay,somepeoplehavetokeepmakingthesamemistakeoverandoveruntilitbitestheminthearsehardenough.
Myfatherhadalwaysbeenabadhusband,andI’dspentmostofmychildhoodcoveringforhim.Irememberedbeingarmedwithhiscreditcard,droppedoffattheshoppingcenterwhenIwastwelvewithinstructionstofindsomethingniceforMummy’sbirthdayandtowriteacardfromDaddy.IstillwonderifthingswouldhavebeendifferentifI’dsimplyrefused.
Luckily,Ididn’thaveenoughtimetothinkaboutit.Ihadappointmentsandmeetings,thenmeetingsaboutthemeetings,untilthedaywasalmostdone.Ididmyusualeleveno’clockrounds,makingsuretoaskMatildainfinanceaboutherholidayandcomplimentMartininHR’shaircut(shortbackandsides,everytwoweeks,didIknowitwasonlyfourteenpounds?).Ididatearoundforthefarcorneroftheoffice,listenedtoJustine’slovelifedramaandtoldhershedeservedthebest.Thetinythingsthatdidn’tmatterontheirownbutthataddedup,madepeoplefeelappreciated.Andsuddenlytheweekendwasalmostuponme.
Almost.
Aw,crap.
Ofcourse.Therehewas,onthedot,thesameaseveryFridayafternoonwhenIwasjustabouttothinkI’dmadealuckyescape.Ipretendednottoseehimapproaching.
“AlyPally!”Hunterboomednexttomydesk,forcingmetolookupfullyandtakemyheadphonesoff.
Ismiled,tryingtoholdinasigh.“Hunter!Howareyoutoday?Lookingforwardtotheweekend?You’llbeoutonthegolfcourse,I’llbet.”
EvenwithpeopleIhated,likeHunter,Icouldn’thelpbutrememberthosedetails.Itwaslikeacompulsion,andrightnow,Ihatedmyselfforit.
Hunterlookedatmewithpleasure,runningahandthroughhiscaramelhair.“Iabsolutelywillbe.You’realwaysso…attentive,Aly.Youknowhowtomakeamanfeelspecial.”
Iclenchedmyteeth,thoughwhetherIwasswallowingasarcasticretortoractualvomit,Icouldn’tbeahundredpercentcertain.
TherewerealotofthingsIhatedaboutHunter.Howhetalkedaboutplayingthestockmarketforfun,howhestillreferredtohisfatheras“Daddy”;andforsomeinsanereasonthefactthathelikedtowearacravatreallypushedmybuttons.Orange,spotty,pinkstriped.Therewasoneforeveryoutfit.ConsideringhowmanyawfulthingstherewereaboutHunter,itwasshockingthatwastheonethatgottome.
He’djoinedthecompanytwoyearsafterme,butwasnowamanager,likeIwas.Excepthewasincapableoffollowingthrough,workingtodeadlines,ortellingtheclientno.Hewalkedimproprietylikeatightropeand,asyet,thebastardhadn’tslippedandplungedtohisdeathatthehandsofHR.Therewasalwaysasafetynet.More’sthepity.
So,no,hewasn’tagreatmanager.Oragreatteamplayer.Hewas,however,rich,posh,andcharming.Andsofullofhotairandbullshithecouldhavebeenazeppelinpoweredbyfertilizer.
Hewasmymortalenemy,andhehadabsolutelynoidea.WhichwasjusthowIlikedmyenemies.
“HowcanIhelptoday,Hunter?”Clearlyyouwantsomething.
“Oh,well,FelixsaidyoumightbeabletohelpwiththatreportforBigScreen?I’mhavingalittletroublemakingitperfect.Andobviously,wewantittobeperfectforthem.SoIknewyouwerethepersontoperfectit,becauseyoualwayspresentsoperfectly.”GoodGod,givethemanathesaurus.
Hunterofferedawidesmilelikeagift,andIwonderedhowmanywomenhadfallenforthisroutinebefore.Acharmingmanwholeansintoyourspaceandconvincesyouthatyou’resospecialandclever,thatyoudeservethehonorofdoinghiswork.
Andyet,IknewI’dhelp.NotbecauseIwantedHunter’sapproval,butbecauseFelixhadrecommendedhecometome.And,quitefrankly,Ididn’twantittobedonebadly.Hunterknewthatwasmyweakness.Itwasn’tjustthatIwasapeoplepleaser.Iwasalsoacontrolfreak.Muchbetter.
“Isee…andhowmuchhaveyoudonealready?”
“Oh,I’veoutlinedit,justneedsalittleshading,alittlecolor.Thei’sdottedandallthat.FelixandIjustneedAlytowavehermagicwand!”Henudgedme,andIstampeddownonmyrageandwidenedmysmile.
“I’malwayshappytohelp,Hunter,youknowthat.Icanabsolutelytakealook.Whendoyouneeditby?”
“Well,we’vegotameetingwiththeirteamonMondaymorning,so…”Hethrewhishandsupinahopefulwhatareyougonnadosortofway.Ilookedattheclock.FourthirtyonFriday.
“Doyou…Imean…”Isighed.“It’salmosttheendoftheday,Hunter.”
“Oh,itwon’ttakelong,babe!Notwithyourmagicpowers!Iknowyou’lldowonderfully.”Hepattedmyshoulder.“NowI’vegottorun,someoftheteamaregoingforafter-workdrinkies,andit’smyround.Thankyou!”Henearlyranaway,andIputmyheadinmyhands.
Whydidn’tyousayno?Whydidn’tyoutellhimitwastoolatetohandthisoffnow?Whydidn’tyoutellhimthisisthethirdtimethishashappenedthismonthandyou’renothislackey?Igrowledalittletomyself,tightenedmyponytail,andgottowork.IfIwaslucky,Iwouldn’tbehereuntiltheevening.
“Youcouldalwaysfuckitupsobadlytheincompetentarsefinallygetswhat’scomingtohim,”Tolasaid,appearingatmysidewithtwocansofbeer.OnFridayafternoons,thebarcartcameround,totrytoshowwewerearelaxedcompanywithgreatculture.ButtheshinetendedtowearoffaftersomanyFridaysworkinglate.
“Ididconsiderit.Butit’dcomebackonme.Hunterisoneofthosegoldenboys—nothingeversticks.Itwouldbemyfaultfornotsupportinghimappropriately.”Isighed,clickingmyneckandopeningtheWorddocument.“AndFelixsenthimtome.Forallweknow,thiscouldbeatestformetoprovemyworth.He’salwayssayingI’vegottostepupandtakeresponsibility.Ithinkthey’regoingtoannouncetheheadofbrandingrolethismonth.”
Tolaraisedaneyebrow,unimpressed,andthenputthecanofbeeronthetable.“Didn’ttheysaythatlastmonth?Besides,ifyoutakeonmuchmoreresponsibility,you’regoingtoberunningthecompany.Goon,thirtyminutes,I’lltimeyou.ThenyoucanhaveyourbeerandI’llproofread.”
“Youdon’thavetodothat!I’msureyou’vegotbigFridayplans.”
Shestoodup.“Idon’tdothingsIdon’twanttodo.Sodon’tworryaboutit.Besides,noonegoesclubbinguntilatleastelevenp.m….grandma.”Tolawinkedatmeandstartedtoheadbackovertothegroupcongregatingbythebarcart.“Ifyoureallywanttothankme,startcompilingthatboyfriendslist.Iwannaseehowmanylosersyou’vewavedyourmagicwandover.”
Iwasluckytohaveher.AndEric.Evenifthetwoofthemwereinsistentonpullingapartmydatinglifeanddiscoveringallmyinsecurities.WhatifallofthosemenweredoingbetterthanIwas?Whatiffiveyearshadpassedandmylifewasexactlythesame,theonlyprogressbeingmyslightlyincreasedsavingsaccountandmyrunningpersonalbests?I’dtoldJasontothinkaboutthelifehewantedandmakethedecisionstomovetowardit.Sowhycouldn’tItakemyownadvice?
Ididn’twanttomakethatlist.BecauseIhadasneakingsuspiciontheywereright.
Irippedasheetofpaperoutofmynotebookandstartedscribblingtheirnames,reverseorder,workingbackintime…Michael,David,Timothy,Noah,Jason…untilIreachedageseventeen,andthenIpaused.
Dylan.Theboywiththebluesteyesandtheloudestlaughintheworld.ThefirstoneI’dgrownupalongsideandbeenhelplessfor,evenashe’dsmiledathisgirlfriendsandI’dhungaroundonthesideline,thehaplessbestfriend.Istartedtowritehisname,butstopped,andscratcheditthrough.Itdidn’tcount.Itwashistory.Nothingmore
Okay,sothatwastwelveentanglementsinfifteenyearsofdating.Allthattime,thatenergy,andIhadtwelveloserstoshowforit.Notevenacanceledengagementorahorrificbetrayaltosparkanoriginstory.Ihadjust…spenttime,likeitdidn’tmatter.AndnowIwashere.
Iturnedbacktomycomputerscreen,relievedthatatleastonethingeternallymadesense:poshboyswouldmakemedotheirworkfornocredit,andIwouldsitathomedrinkingwineandstewingoverituntilMondaymorningcame.
JustasIalwaysdid.THREE
“Andtheresultsarein,ladiesandgentlemen,”EricsaidinaTVannouncer’svoicewhilstwesatatlunchonMonday.Weperchedonapicnicbenchintheparkbehindtheoffice,mostofourcolleaguescampedoutatvariouspointsaroundus,loungingontheirjacketsonthegrassorseatedatthelittleroundtablesoutsidethecafé.Itremindedmeofschool,sometimes,usallrushingoutsidetocatchthatspringsunshinetheminuteithit,facesturnedtowardthesunasweignoredourphonesanddrankouroverpricedcoffee.Thirtyminutesofbliss.
Ipickedatmysadlittlechickensaladsandwich,socarefullypreparedthenightbefore,andhuffed.“Doyoureallyhavetotakesomuchjoyfromthis?”
“Anddoyouhavetobesomiserable?It’snotareflectiononyou,”hereplied,stuffingapieceofsushiintohismouthwhole.
“Um,that’sexactlywhatitis.”
“Well,it’snotabadone,”hereplied,chewingrapidly,andTolajumpedintoplayreferee.
“Don’tyouwanttoknowourmethod?There’sawholedataanalysiselementtothis,it’swicked.Sofirstly,wehadtoassesswhatthemetricsforsuccesswere.Buttheyhadtobematchedtowhatyoubelievedwassuccess.Sowewentforallthetraditionalstuff—marriage,kids,fancyjob,homeownership,money,allthatjazz.”
Ididn’tquitelikehowthatcommentmademefeel.
“Whatareyoursuccessmetrics,then?”IfrownedatTola,andsheshrugged.
“Idunno…beingcomfortableinyourskin,havingloadsofadventures,livingwithpurpose,beinghappy,havinggoodpeopleinyourlife,takingrisks?”
“SoI’mshallow?”
Tolafrownedinconfusion.“No,butifthosearen’tyourvalues,theywouldn’thaveimprintedontheseman-children.Icouldmakeanamazingcaseforhowyourlifeismuchmoreaccomplishedthananyofthosemorons,butthosearemyvalues,notyours.Whatmattershereiswhatyouthink.Sowhatdoyouthink,didIgetyourviewswrong?”
Itookabreath,sighedintomysandwich.“No,continue.”
IfeltEricandTolasharealook.
“Sothen,thankstomyexpertsocialmediasleuthingskills—”
“Andthefactthattheseguyswereallegomaniacs,”Ericadded.
“—wemanagedtoassesstheirlivesbythosefactors.Wetriedtobearinmindwhattheywerelikewhenyoumetthem,toseeiftherewasanimprovementpercentage.Andtherewas.Drumroll,please…”
Irolledmyeyes,andErictappedthetable.
“Theaverageimprovementpercentagewaseighty-sevenpercent!”Tolaannounced,grinningatme.“Wecallit‘theAlyFactor.’?”
Iblinked.“Soeighty-sevenpercentoftheguysaremoresuccessfulnowthantheywerewhenIknewthem?”
Ericshookhishead.“Oh,honey,no.”
Ibreathedasighofrelief.“Right.Thoughtthatsoundedabitinsane.”
“Allofthemare,”heexplained.“Tobeprecise,everymanonthatlistimprovedbyeighty-sevenpercent.”
Theywerelookingatmewithexpectation,andIcouldn’tquiteprocessit.
“Youmeantotellmethateverysinglemanonthatlistisinaseriousrelationship,ownsproperty,orishighupinabusinessnow…allofthem?”
Theynodded.
“Don’ttellmeAdrianfinallyhadthatbookpublishedthathekeptsendingmerandomunfinishedchaptersfrom?”Impossible.Noonewantedflyingwerewolffiction,evenifitwassetinanalternativesteampunkVictorianEnglanduniverse.
“No.”Tolaheldherhandsup.“Buthewasacceptedforanagencyscholarshipafterenteringawritingcompetitionthat—correctmeifI’mwrong,here—youhelpedhimtoenter.NowherunsonlineclassesfornewbiewriterswhilstholdingdownasecondjobasanITmanager.”
MyeyebrowswereraisedsohighIthoughtImightgivemyselfamigraine.
“Aly,wecantracktheirimprovementbacktoyou.Yourenergy,yoursupport,your…particularbrandofaffection,”Ericexplainedmoregently,asifIwasn’tgettingit.AndIsupposeIwasn’t.
“Eric,peopleareresponsiblefortheirowngrowth,theirowndecisions.MaybeIhelpedalittle,buttheseguysclearlyjust…grewupsomewherealongtheway.Metdifferentpeople,hadexperiencesthatchangedthem.”
“Oryouhavesomekindofmysteriousshaggingpowerthatmakesmenbetter,”Tolasaid,almostseriously,andthenburstoutlaughing.“Yourmagicvagina!Seriously,though,youcan’tthinkthisiscompletecoincidence?”
Istaredather.
“Betweenahugecoincidenceormehavingmagicgenitals,I’dsaycoincidencemakesmoresense.”Irolledmyeyes.“Besides,it’s,like,twelveguys.Hardlyahugesamplesize.”
“DavidgaveaTEDTalkthreemonthsago,”Ericsaid,palmsflatonthetable.“David.Theguywhoneverspoke.Hecreditshisconfidencetoanex-girlfriendwhomadehimgotoaseminar.”
“Hedidn’tevengo,”Ihuffed.“Herefused,saiditwasembarrassing.SoIwentandmadenotesandbroughtthembackforhim,andhewatchedsomeofthevideosonline.”
“See,youmadethingshappen.”Erichandedmethelist.“Justlook.”
Iscannedthelist,seeingaccoladeafteraccolade.Thesemenweregrown-up,impressive,importantpeople.Theoppositeofwhatthey’dbeenwhenIknewthem.
“Thisisjustwhathappenswhenyoudatepeopleinyourtwenties.Theytellyoutheyhatemarriageandcoldweather,andtheneightyearslateryouseetheyhadtheirweddingundertheNorthernLights.”
Ilookedbackatthelistagainandraisedaneyebrow.“WhyisMatthewonhere?Weneverdated.”
TolaandEricsharedalook,andthenlookedbackatme.
“What?!Wedidn’t!”
“Youspentmonthshelpinghimwithhiscareerwhenhejoinedthecompany,youkissedhimonceaftertheChristmasparty,andnowhe’sthesamelevelasyoudespiteonlybeinghereayear.”
“Hewasnewtotheindustry!Iwashelpinghimout!”
“Themanisthehumanequivalentofbeige,andhe’sstillmanagedtomoveuptheranks.Becauseoftheinformationyougavehim,”Tolaargued.
“Well,ifwe’recountingeverypersonI’veevertriedtohelpwiththeircareer,we’regoingtoneedalongerlist!”Igrowled.“Hedoesn’tcount.”
“Fine.”Tolarolledhereyesatme.“Statsherecanrecalculate,right?”
Ericlookedgrouchybutgotoutapen.“Sure,butIbegofyou,gototherapy.AndstophelpingMatthew.He’ssecretlyalittleweasel.”
“Ithoughthewasbeige.”
“Youdon’thearthestuffhesaysaroundtheguys.Beigeisafrontforevil.Always.”Erictappedhispen.“Okay,sotheAlyFactorchangestoeighty-fivepercent.Ourpointstillstands.”
IrolledmyeyesandwatchedasTolaandEricsharedthatlookagain.LikeIwasbeingunreasonable.
“What?Whataboutmyreactionhereissodisappointing?”
“Wejustwantyoutoadmitthatmaybeyouhadanimpact.That’sall,”Tolasaidsoftly.“Isn’titagifttobeabletoseehowmuchyou’veinfluencedsomeone’slife?”
Notifsuddenlythey’reallaheadintherace,Ithought,andI’vebeenleftbehind.“I’mjust…irritated,andIdon’tknowwhy.I’mnotjealousofthesemen.I’dvomitifIhadtogiveaTEDTalk.AndIdefinitelydon’twanttoworkininvestmentbankingorhavemyweddingannouncedinTatler.Ijust…Idunno…”Isighed,andTolatiltedherhead.
“Maybeyou’rewonderingwhereyou’dbeifyou’dspentallthattimeandenergyonyourselfinstead?”
MaybeI’mwonderingwhythehellIkeptdatingprojectsinsteadofpeople.Andwhatthatsaysaboutme.
AllI’deverwantedwaswhatmygrandparentshad.Thatenduringkindoflove,wheretheylookedacrosstheroomateachotherwithasecretsmile,liketheyhadtheirownlanguage.Ididn’tneedtobesomebody’severything,Ijust…nomatterwhatIdid,howmuchIgave,itneverseemedtobeenough.
Isighedandpackedupmylunchbox.“Well,thishasbeenincrediblyfun,andwelldoneonyourresearchingrigor,butI’vegottogetbacktoafullin-boxandasmugHunter.”
TheylookedupinconcernasIleft,andIdidn’treallyknowhowtofeel.SowhatifallthesemenI’ddatedhadturnedfromhopeless,self-indulgentman-childrentogrown-ups?SowhatifI’dputinallthehourslisteningtotheirchildhoodtraumasandcomfortingthem,andputtingupwiththeirbullshit,whentheyabsolutelyshouldhavegonetotherapy?Sowhatifnowtheircurrentgirlfriendsandwiveswerereapingtherewardsofmyhardwork?I’dmadethechoicetosupportthem,toplayatbeingtheperfectgirlfriendfortheshorttimeIwaswiththem.Ifthathelped,Ishouldbeproudofmyself.AnditwasnicethatJasoncreditedmewithbelievinginhim,andthatDavidrememberedtheworkshop.MaybeI’dbeenlikethefairygod-girlfriendtheseguyshadneededjustatthatmoment.
Butwheredidthatleaveme?
TolaandErichadalwayslaughedwhenIsaidIfoundrelationshipsexhausting.ThatIwasjusttootiredtodate.Butnowitmadesense.I’dbebetteroffgettingapuppy;atleastI’dgetaffectioninreturnfordealingwithshit.But,justonce,itwouldbenicetohavesomeonearoundtosayDon’tworry,I’vegotthis
AsIheadedbacktomydesk,IcouldhearBecky,oneofthewomeninaccounts,talkingtosomeoftheothers.Shesatafewdesksoverfromme,sothatwealmostalwaysendedupaccidentallymakingfacesateachotherwhenwewerefrustratedorthinkingtoohard.CatchinganaccidentaleyerollfromBecky,followedbyanembarrassedsmile,alwaysmademefeelbetter.
Shealsoalwaysseemedtobethewisesagetheyoungergirlscametowiththeirboyfrienddrama,whichwaswhytheirlittlefriendshipgroupseemedtohuddlearoundherdesk.Buttoday,apparently,itwasherownrelationshipthatwastheproblem.
“Hesaidhedoesn’tbelieveinmarriageandhedoesn’tknowwhyI’msoobsessedwithit!”Shesighed,andtheotherwomenmadesympatheticnoises.IthoughtofJason’slikelyexcuseforhischangeofheartaboutmarriage—achangeofwoman.ButBeckydidn’tneedtohearthat.
“He’sprobablyjustputtingyouoffthescent!”saidKatherine,who’dwatchedentirelytoomanyHallmarkmovies.“Sowhenhedoesask,you’llbesurprised!”
Beckyshookherhead.“Hesaidwe’vegotalovelyfamilytogether,whatdoesitmatter?AndIdon’treallyknowhowtoexplainit,becauseitdoessounddumb,sayingIwantabigfancypartywithawhitedress.We’vegotourkids,andwe’vebuiltahometogether…he’sright,Ishouldbesatisfied.”
Somethingabouttheaggressivegratitudefeltfamiliar.Thefeelingthatitwasn’tokaytowantmorethanwhatshehad,anditwasn’tokaytowantsomethingotherpeoplethoughtwasunimportant.IclenchedmyteethtogetherasIdroppedintomychairandreachedformyheadphones,but,withastart,IfoundTolaandEricstandingbehindme,eavesdroppingjustlikeIwas.
“Hey,Aly.”Ericsmiledatme.“Youknowwhathappensafteryoucomeupwithanewtheory?”
Tolagrinned,crossingherarmsandtiltingherheadtowardBecky.“Youtestit.”
—
Tolainsistedwehadtostartthatevening,sowewenttothePrinceRegent,apubaroundthecornerfromtheoffice.Itwascuteenough,withframedportraitsofrandomroyalfamilymembersandthatever-so-charmingspilled-beersmell.Ihadaweirdaffectionfortheplace,whereTolaandIhadworkedourwaythroughthe(limited,andprettydisgusting)cocktaillist,andwhereEricandIhadstartedourfriendshipovertwobottlesofPinotGrigioandalotofcrying.Sure,ithadstickyfloorsandonlyservedsaltandvinegarcrisps,butitheldourhistory.
EricandIsatonstoolsatahightable,watchingTolaasshespoketoBeckyatthebar.Wecouldn’tquitehearthem,butIknewTolawastellingaglorioustaleofhowIhadchangedpreviousboyfriends’mindsaboutmarriage,andhowIcoulddothesameforBecky’scommitment-phobicpartner.
“Idonotwanttodothis.Idon’tevenknowthisman,”Isaid.
“Well,you’llgettoknowhim.Youdidapsychologydegree,right?”Ericnudgedmewithhiselbowandsmirkedintohispint.
Isnorted.“No,Ididasummercourseincounselingandanadvancedcourseinmarketingtechniques.It’smessagingandmanipulation,nottherapy.”
“Isthatwhatyoudidwiththemall?”
“No,Iwasdatingthemandwasniceandtriedtohelp!Besides,thisissomerandomguy,sowe’regonnahavetocomeupwithaplay,otherwisehe’sgoingtothinkI’mchattinghimup!”
IgrittedmyteethasBeckyswiveledonherbarstoolandgavemetwothumbsup,ahopeful,gratefullookonherface.Ohgod.
Tolajumpedoffthestoolandswaggeredovertoourtable,pausingtocheckherhairinthemirrorontheway.SheheldtwoglassesofCokeandputthemdownwithaflourish.“Weareallsystemsgo,ladiesandgents.”
Ipointedatthedrinks.“Didyouforgetoneofus?”
Tolawiggledhereyebrows.“Thesewereagiftfromanadmirer.”
Ericblinked.“Wedidn’tevenseeanyoneapproachyou!”
Tolanarrowedhereyesandgrinned.“Itestwellwiththebartendingdemographic.It’srumandCoke.Takeit.”Shepushedoneovertome.
“What’sitliketobeuniversallyadoredwhereveryougo?”Ericasked,holdinguphisphoneasafakemicrophone.
“Well,Ireallywanttosayitgetsold,butitdoesn’t.”Sheraisedaneyebrowatme.“Lookatthefaceonyou.Nervous?Drinkyourdrink.”
Itookatentativesipandlookedbackather,pleading.“DidIsayIdon’twanttodothis?”
“Yes,andwetoldyoubeingacowardisn’tinlinewithyourpersonalbrandasass-kicker.Youshouldbethankingus,babe.We’regivingyoutheopportunitytoshine,”Tolateased.“Sowhat’stheplay?”
“Youknowthefirstruleofmarketing?”Isuckedonthestraw,resigned.
“Makemoremoneythanyouspend?”Ericoffered.
Irolledmyeyes.“Givepeoplewhattheyneed.Tellthemexactlywhattheywanttohear.”
“Howdoweknowwhathewantstohear?”
Ileanedin,sotheycouldhearmeovertherapidlyincreasingdinofthepub,theregularsgettingrowdier,thenewlyoff-the-clocklooseningtheirties.TolaandEricleanedin,too,asiftheywereintrigued.
“Wedon’t.”IgrinnedatEricexpectantly.“Whichiswhywesendinsomeonetoscopehimout.”
“WhydoIfeellikebytheendofthenightyou’regoingtobeTonySoprano?”Tolaasked,handonhip.Ericsnorted.
“Nicereference,bitvintageforyou.”
“Look,Ericisgoingtogoinfirstandgetafewanswerstosomeimportantquestions.Fromthat,we’llknowhowtoswayhim.”
“Andyoureallythinksomechanceencounterwitharandompersoninapubisgoingtochangethisguy’sentiremindset?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,ofcoursenot.Itdoesn’thavetochangeanything.Itjustneedstocrackitalittle.Letthelightin,alittlewiggleroominthedirt.Thechanceforsomethingelsetoflower,that’sall.”
IlookedatBecky,swirlingherwinearoundherglassatthebar,chinrestingonherhand,headtiltedlikeshewaswaitingforsomething.Shelooked…sad.Wemightbeabletohelpher.Iwasdoingthis.
“Andit’sgottobeme?”Ericasked,frowning.“You’resure?”
“Um,whoneverstopstellingusabouthowexcellenthewasinHello,Dolly!atuniversity?”Ireplied,andTolajoinedin,grinning.
“Yeah,wasn’tyourTeenAngelinGreasegivenastandingovation?AndyouwonsomesortofawardforWestSideStory?”
Ericraisedhischinandpursedhislips,asifsuddenlyrecognizinganadversary.“Oh,hello,lookwho’ssuddenlyinvestednow.”
Ishrugged.“IfIhavenootherchoice,I’dliketodoitwell.Besides,you’reexcellentatthe‘banterwiththelads’bullshit.Itcomesnaturallytoyou.”
Ericlookedatmeinsurprise,waitingformetoapologize,butIjustlaughed.“Comeon,behonest.”
Ericmimedoffense.“Fine,I’llturnupmy‘straightmanlikessport’impression,justforyou,sweetcheeks.”
WewatchedasBecky’sboyfriendcamein,andIgasped,nudgingthemalltobesilent.But,ofcourse,itwassoneedlesslydramaticthatTolaandIgotthegiggles.
Asmuchasthiswasabsolutelyridiculous,itwasfun.ItwasanexcusetobeoutonaMondayeveningwithmyworkfriends,insteadofgoinghometoanemptyflatandcallingmymothertohearwhatstupidthingmyfatherhaddonenow.InsteadofbrainstormingwaystoshowIdeservedthatheadofbrandingjob.Insteadoflyinginbedwonderingwhytimewaspassingsoquicklyandyetnothingseemedtochange.
Becky’sboyfriendwaswideandmuscledlikeaconstructionworker,buthehadasweetnesstohimyoucouldseeinthewayhelookedather,thegentlewayhestrokedherarm.Whichmeantwelikelyhadsomeonewhowasjustteasinghisgirlfriend,knowinghowmuchshewantedtogetmarried,orwhodidn’tbelieveinitasaconceptatall.Eitherway,themanacrossfromuslookedlikehe’ddoanythingforher,andIcouldseeagentlenudgeintherightdirectionwasn’tgoingtobeparticularlydifficult.
“Soyouknowwhatquestionsyouneedtoask?”IaskedEricagain,andhenodded.“Okay,goforth.UsetheForcewell.”
WewatchedasEricslickedhisblondhairback,walkedover,andgreetedBeckywiththatmillion-wattsmilehewassogoodatproducingwhenheneededit.Hemadeadeliberatemovement,pullingatthebluetiearoundhisneckbeforeheintroducedhimselftoherboyfriend.WewatchedEricin“sell”mode,shouldersback,broadframeondisplayashetheback,andthenimmediatelygesturingtothebar.“Mytreat!”weheardhiminsist,throwinghishandsupasifhewouldn’thearofanythingelse,andgrabbingthebartender’sattention.
“God,he’ssosmooth,”Tolasaidbymyside,watchingitlikedaytimetelevision.“Weneedtofindhimsomeonesoon,orhe’sjustgonnastoptryingtodateandforgetaboutlovealtogether.”
“Agreed.Theshaggingaboutisgettingold,nomatterwhathesays.Doyouknowanyoneforhim?”Isawhershakeherheadoutofthecornerofmyeye.
“Allmymatesaretooyoungandprobablyabittoo…outthereforsomeonelikeEric.”Tolaconsidered.“Heneeds,like,somerelaxedguywhowearscardigansbutmakesitlookhot.Andcooks,becauseEricisterribleatthat,andIwantsomeonetothrowagoddamndinnerpartyworthgoingto.”
Ichuckled.“Excellentpoints.Veryselfless.”
Afterabouttwentyminutes,Ericcamebacktoourtable,wherehedeflatedfromhismachopersonaandfedthroughwhathe’dlearned.IkeptaneyeonBeckyandherboyfriendatthebar.Theydidn’tlooktootraumatized.
“It’sthemoney,Ithink,”hesaid,takingaslugofmydrink.“AndIthinkhe’salittleshy.Hejustdoesn’tseethepointofsomebigdayfornoreasonwhenthey’vegotkidstosendtoafter-schoolclubsandstuff.”
Iclaspedmyhandstogether,nodding,watchingthecouple’sbodylanguage.Okay,Iknewhowtohandlethis.“Don’tworry,guys,I’vegotthisone.Hundredpercent.”
—
WhenIreturnedtoTolaandEricafterward,itwaslikeIwasagoddess.Acelebratedactresswhobentpeopletoherwill.Ratherthansomeonewhohadaskillforlisteningandprovidingsolutions.Ormanipulating,ifyouwantedtogettechnical.
“Whatdidyoudo?Hisfacewentwhite!Areyoutryingtoscarehimintoproposing?”Erictriedtoholdinalaughastheyleft,wavingatus,Becky’sfaceclearlysaying,well,thanksfortrying,eyebrowwrinkled,rightshoulderraisedinhalfashrug.Thistime,herboyfrienddidlooktraumatized,andItriednottogiggleathowshell-shockedhehadappeared,graspinghispintfordearlife.
“Ispunastoryaboutleavingmyboyfriendoffifteenyearsbecausehewouldn’tpropose.Becausehekeptsayingitdidn’tmatter,thatIwasdesperate,butreallyallIwantedwastohavehimshowhelovedme,tohavehimpickme.ThatitwaseasyenoughforhimtostaywhenIcookedhismealsanddidhiswashing,buthe’dneverpickedme.ThatIdidn’tevenwantabigwedding,justsomethingsmalltoshowhimofftotheworld,totellthemallthiswasmyman,andIwassoproudofhim.”Ilookedoffintothedistance,handsclaspedatmychest.“SoIwasgoing,andnowhecouldcookhisowndinnerbecausesomeguyI’dmetatthegymwholookedlikeJasonMomoawantedtomarrymeinstead.”
Theirjawsdropped.
“Youjust…cameupwithallthat?”Tolaasked.
“Moreimportantly,youfancyJasonMomoa?”Erictiltedhisheadlikeadogwho’dfoundanunexpectedtidbit.“Interesting.”
“Beckydoes.Andthepointisthateverything’sanarrative.”Ishrugged.“Itprovidedjustificationforherfeelingsandcreatedjustahintoffear.Ifnothingelse,it’llsparkaconversationonthejourneyhome,andmaybeshecanmakeherselfheard.”
Tolablinkedatme,almostdazzled.Ilikedthatexpression.“Babe,thereissomethinghere.Youcanfeelit,right?Like,howmanywomenareinBecky’sposition?Howmanywomenhavebeenputtingallthis…emotionalenergyandmoneyandtimeintobeingwhatevertheirboyfriendsneeded?Wecouldhelpthem.”
“Byforcingboyfriendstopropose?”Iwrinkledmynose.“NotexactlydoingtheLord’swork,isit?”
Tolalookedskyward,clenchingherfists.“No,nottheproposals.Theemotionallabor!Thehoursofextrahouseworkandadminandchildcareandbeingincontrolofeverythingallthetime.Andnotgettinganythingbackinreturn!Wehaveagenerationofexhaustedwomenonourhands.”
“Youwantustostartacompanyhiringmanagersforpeople’slives?”Iasked,shrugging.“Imean,therichalreadyhavepersonalassistants…maybeitcouldbeanapp?”
“You’renotlistening.ThinkabouttheamountoftimeandeffortBeckyputsintotheirfamilylife,right?Thinkabouthowmanyyearsshe’sbeentalkingaboutmarriage.Thenthinkaboutyou,breezinginandfindingtheexactrightthingtosayandwaytoplayitsothenotioncouldpenetrate.Allthattime,alltheemotionalenergy,saved.Wecouldliterallygivewomenthegiftoftime.”
“By…fixingtheirmenforthem?”Ifrowned.
“Emotionaloutsourcing!”Ericyelped,andIcouldalreadyseeournumbercrunchertryingtofindanangle.
“Wecouldreallyhelpwomen!”Tolasaid,likeshewaswaitingforustofeelthisearth-shatteringrealizationandwejustweren’tcomplying.
“Look,thisisfun,andI’velovedgettingthechancetoschemewithyouguys,”Istarted,“really.ButIwanttobeheadofbranding.That’swhatI’vealwayswanted.It’swhyIwenttouni,it’swhyIdidmymaster’s,it’swhyI’veworkedhereandputupwiththeHuntersoftheworldforalltheseyears.Andit’ssoclosenowIcantasteit.Ispendenoughtimefixingeveryone’sproblems,Idon’tneedtodoitasasidehustle.”
“But…”Tolalookedatmeindisappointment.“Thinkaboutthewivesandgirlfriendsofyourexes,howhappytheymustbethatyousculptedtheseman-childrenintoromanticheroes.Wewatchallthesemovieswheredudeswithabsknowhowtoplanthesehugelyelaborateromanticsurprises,andinrealitywomenacrossthecountryareremindingtheirboyfriendstochangetheirboxersonadailybasis.Theydeservebetter,andwecouldgiveittothem.Thiscouldbesomething,Aly.”
“Sowhatyou’resayingis,we’llhelpwomankindbyreprogrammingtheirboyfriends,oneunderachieveratatime?”Iletthesarcasmseepthroughmywords,andTolagrinned.
“That’sexactlywhatI’msaying.”Sheputherarmsaroundbothofus.“Usthree,havingadventures.Effectingchange.Whatcouldbebetterthanthat?”
“You’resuchahustler.Let’s…let’sseewhathappens.Butinthemeantime,thenextroundisonme,inhonorofEric,much-lovedactorextraordinaireandseverelywastedtalentintheadvertisingdepartment.”
Ericgavealittlebow,andIgotaroundofespressomartinisincelebration.ItwasthemostfunI’dhadonaMondayeveninginalongtime.Itcouldn’tlast,though,notwhentheyrealizedthiswasn’tabusinessplanoraworkablescheme,nomatterhowmuchTolawantedittobe.Itwasn’tgoingtobeaYouTubeseriesorapodcastorwhateveritwaspeopleusedtoturntheirfaultsintofamethesedays.
WhichwasexactlywhatItoldTolawhenBeckyfoundusinthebreakroomthenextmorningandthankedmefortrying,saidthey’dhadagoodchat,buthehadn’tchangedhismind.Iactuallyexhaledinrelief,andthenhadtocoverupbypattingBeckyontheshoulderandtellingheritwasnicetogetthechancetochatwithher,though.Shesmiledatthat.
Lifecouldgoonasnormal,nocrazyideasorplans.Iwantedtheheadofbrandingrole.WhenIhadit,I’dhaverespect.NomoreHuntercomingtometodohiswork,ortheadsguysgivingintheirreportslate,orhavingtochaseeverysinglecolleaguetogivemetheirworkintherightformat.I’dfinallyprovethetheoryIhadbasedmyentireworkingcareeron:ifyouworkedhardandstayeddetermined,you’dgetwhatyoudeserved.
Which,ofcourse,allwenttohellwhenBeckyturneduponFridaywithasapphireanddiamondengagementringglintinginthelight.FOUR
Beckydraggedusthreeoutwithheraccountsteamforcelebrationcocktails,laudingusasthepeopleresponsibleforfinallygettingherboyfriendonside.Itriedtowaveitaway,butTolalappeditup,enjoyinghermomentinthespotlight,afeministrelationshipsexpert,fanningtheflamesofexhaustion,rage,andfrustrationuntiltheybecameahugebonfire.
“Hedoesn’trememberourkids’birthdays!”
“Ihavetobuyhismother’sChristmaspresenteveryyear!”
“Iwentawayforaconferenceandmydaughterwenttoschoolwearingyellowpolka-dottightsandaPeppaPigpajamatop!”
“Idon’tthinkhewasreallyhappyformewhenIgotthatpromotion,youknow?Like,deepdown.”
“Iwentbacktounitodomymaster’sandnowhesaysIactlikeI’msmarterthaneveryone.”
“Hecamehomedrunkandpissedinthelaundrybasket.”Well,atleastthatlastonewasfunny.
IwasslightlyworriedTolawaswindingupapotentialmob.
MaybeIwasluckytobeonmyown?Tohavemyowntimeandagencyandnoonetoanswerto?Maybelovewasn’tworththeexhaustion.Ithoughtofmygrandmother,preparingthedinnereverynightforfiftyyears,andhowsheneveroncecomplained.Maybeshewouldhave,ifI’daskedher.
“Areyouhisfuckingmother?”TolaaskedoneofBecky’sfriends,pausingdramaticallytosipfromherstraw.“No?Thenstopcoddling!Stopfeeding.Stopdoinganythingbutdemandingwhatyoudeserve.Becauseyouareallbeautiful,wonderfulwomen,andyoudeservetobeworshipped!Thosemenshouldbeontheirfuckingknees,gratefulyouputupwiththeirbadlyshaven,unwashed,don’t-know-where-the-dishwasher-tablets-areselves.”
Therewashootingandwhooing.
“Thisisrapidlyturningfromanengagementcelebrationintoapotentialritualsacrifice,”ImumbledtoEric,whosnortedandleanedinclosetome.
“I’mtryingnottomaketoomanyabruptmovementsincasetheysuddenlyrememberI’mhere,”hemock-whispered.
“She’sgoodwithacrowd,though,”Ihadtoadmit,watchingTolaholdingcourt.“She’sgottherazzle-dazzle.”
“She’sgotmorethanthat.Ifeellikeshe’sdeterminedtomakethisintosomething,andshe’sgoingtotakeusalongfortheridenomatterwhat.There’sambition,andthenthere’sTola.”
Iwatchedthewomentalkingandlaughingwitheachother,lookedattheirfacesastheyjokedabouttheirshittymaternitypackagesandnavigatingin-lawsandbumpingintoexes.Jealousboyfriendsandearlymorningrunsanddyeingtheirhair.
Thesewomenweretired.Andtheydidn’tevenrealizeit.Theexhaustionofexpectationanddisappointmentwaspartandparcelofbeingfemale.LikeTolasaid,they’dbeenhopingthey’dmeetsomeonewhowasalreadyafullymaturegrown-upwhocouldcookhisowndinnerandknewwhathismother’sfavoriteflowerswere.
“Excuseme.”OneofBecky’sfriendsbrokeofffromthegroupandhoveredatourtable.“YouhelpedTola,didn’tyou?”
Ericgrinnedandtiltedhisheadtome.“She’sthemastermind.Expertinhumanridiculousness.”
Ielbowedhim,smiledapologetically.“Ihelped,yeah.”
Shedraggedachairoverandfellintoit.
“I’mEmily.Myhusbanddoesn’tknowhowtolookafterourbaby.Heofferedtobethestay-at-homeparentsoIcouldgobacktowork,buthedidn’treadanyofthebooksandhecallseveryfifteenminutes,orhegetsmymothertocomeoverandthenshecriticizesmeforleavingmybabyathomebecauseIwanttobea‘careerwoman.’Imakemoremoney,Ihadtogoback!AndthenIgethome,andthehouseisamessandhehandsthebabyoverandplaysPlayStationallevening!IknowIshouldbegrateful,but…”
Iclosedmyeyes.“Gratitudeisanexcellentemotion.Butit’snotashieldthatholdsoffbullshitindefinitely.”Isoundedlikeanagonyauntcolumninateenmagazine,tellingwomennottosettleforless.“Youjustneedtoteachhim.”
“Ineedtoteachhimtorecognizethatourdaughterneedslookingafter,anditcan’tallbeonme?Whycan’theknowitonhisown?Whyisitmyresponsibilitytoteachhim?”
Imadeafaceandthrewupmyhands.“Ihavenoidea,butunfortunatelyuntilsomeoneelsecomesalong,ifyouwantthespoils,you’regonnahavetodothework.Hopefullyonlybriefly,tobenefitlongterm.”
“Andyoucandothat?”Emilyasked,suddenlyhopeful.
“Well,wewerethinkingaboutstartingabusinessoutsourcingfemaleemotionallabor,”Erictoldher.“Apparentlyitmightbethefinalpuzzlepieceinthedismantlingofthepatriarchy.”
Shekepthereyesonme,waitingformetosaythewordandsolveallherproblems.IwasshockedtofindIfeltpowerful.Ilovedlookingataproblemandfindingasolution.AndIcouldn’tresistachallenge.
“Okay,tellmehowIcanhelp.”
—
Wehadtofindababy,whichsoundsmorealarmingthanitwas.Luckily,Eric’sfriendMarcuswashappytohelp.
Marcuswasahugebeastofaman,theclothclingingtoeveryvisiblemusclebeneathhistwo-sizes-too-smallT-shirt.Theonlythingthatsoftenedthecomplete“gymbro”effectwashisbabydaughter,strappedtohisfrontinapurplepolka-dotsling,grinningupathimlikehewasthecenterofheruniverse.
“Okay,thereareafewkeypointshere,”IsaidaswehuddledtogetherinFinsburyParkonablusterySaturdaymorning,whereweknewEmily’shusbandtooktheirdaughtertoplay.“Marcus,weneedtoshowoffthatyou’retheidealdad,andthatyourbabyhereisthriving.”
Marcuswiggledhiseyebrowsandgrinned,adjustinghisdaughterinhisarms.“AlwayshappytobetoldI’mperfect.”
“Aslongasyou’rehappywithalittlehealthycompetition,”Iteased.“Weneedthehusband,Liam,toseehowwellyou’redoing,howeasyyoumakeitlook.Weneedhimtowanttobelikeyou.”
TolalookedatMarcussuspiciously.“Whyareyouhelpingusagain?”
Helaughed,andhisdaughterburbledindelight.“BecauseEricasked.Andalsobecausethisguyislettingoursidedown.Butmainlybecausethesoonermenbecomemoreactiveparents,thesoonerwegetadecentpaternitypackage.”
Tolasmiledandnoddedonce,convinced.
“Onethatdoesn’tdependonhavingafemaleparentinthepicture?”sheasked,andMarcuspointedather.
“Gotitinone.”
“Okay”—Tolarubbedherhandstogether—“let’sgostartsomeshenanigans.”
Marcusambledovertotheswings,whereLiamwashalfheartedlypushinghisdaughter,eyesgluedtohisphone.WewatchedasMarcusambledup,andsawLiam’seyeswideninsurpriseatthesheersizeofhim.Icouldalmostseethethoughtbubbleabovehishead:Thisguyistakinghiskidtothepark?Shouldn’thebeinagymsomewhere?Orknockingsomeone’steethout?
“Isthisseattaken?”Marcussmiledwinningly,gesturingattheswingnexttoLiam’sdaughter.
Tolasnortedinmyear.“Ishehittingonhim?”
Ericmadeafaceandsoundedpricklywhenheresponded.“Marcusisveryhappilymarried,he’sjustfriendly.”
LiamjuststaredatMarcus,sayingnothingforamoment,andthenhalfshrugged.“Sure.Goahead.”
“Cheers.”Marcusturnedhisattentiontohisdaughter,chuckingherupintheairandthenslidingherintotheswing,makingfacesandexplainingwhathewasdoinginasingsongvoice.
Liam’sdaughterstartedwatchingthisnew,excitingmaninherfieldofvisionintently,smilingandclappingathimmorethanIbetsheeverhadforthefatherstandingslightlyoutofherfieldofvisionwithhishandgluedtohisphone.WewatchedasLiamseemedtorealizethis,too,andblinked.
“Heputhisphoneaway!”Tolagrabbedmyarminexcitement.
“Shh!”
“Let’sgetcloser,”Isaidquietly,“andstopactinglikeweirdos!Threechildlessgrown-upshangingnearthekids’playareaisnotagreatlook!”
Wesnuckaroundtothebitofgrassbehindtheswings,sowecouldlistentothemchatting.
“Yougotahappyone!”Marcussaid,smilingatLiam.Henoddedhisheadathisowndaughter.“Thisone’salreadyamoodyteenager.IfeellikeI’mgoingtoturnaroundfrommakingherlunchandfindheralldresseduptogoclubbing.Thetimegoessoquickly,doesn’tit?”
Liamlookedathimlikehewasn’tsureMarcuswasactuallytalkingtohim.Likehehadn’thadanadultconversationinawhile,andhadtorememberhowtodoit.
“Idunno,sometimesitseemstogoincrediblyslowly.”Liamsighed,thenlookedembarrassed,likehe’dsaidthewrongthing.ButMarcusjustsmiledandnodded.
“Yeah,theever-excitingroutineoflisteningtothemcry,waitingforthemtoshitalloverthewalls,crossingyourfingersthatthey’llsleep,andthenpanickingwhentheydo.”Marcusshrugged.“Orisitjustmethat’sanabsolutemess?Ikindafiguredthestay-at-home-dadlifewouldinvolvemorecuddlesandXbox,youknow?”
Liam’seyeslitup,evenasTolaraisedaneyebrowatme.“Really?”shehissed.
“He’splayingapart!”Ericdefendedhisfriend,thenpaused.“…Atleast,Ithinkso.”
ButthatwasallittookforLiam’sdefensestodrop.Herewassomeonewhowouldn’tjudgehim,wouldn’ttellhimitwasallmeanttobeamagicalexperience.Hehadsomeonetomoanwith,andyoucouldseethereliefonhisface.
“You’reastay-at-homedad,too!”Liamexclaimed.“Ihaven’tmetmanyothers.It’s…yeah,it’sabitmore…boringthanIthoughtitwouldbe.”
Marcusnodded,keepinghiseyesonhisdaughter.“Haveyouthrownupchangingthemyet?FirsttimeIchangedher…Iwassick,shewassick,wewerebothcrying…itgetsbetter.”
Helookedathisdaughterwithsuchlove,andLiamsmiled.
“Besides,”Marcusadded,“howmuchofyourjobbeforewasboring?Thiswayyougettobethepersontowatchhergrow.Igettohearherfirstwordsandseeherwalk.Myotherhalffindsthatabithard,Ithink.Butthat’sthewaythefinancesgosometimes,right?”
Bringinginthefactthatyourpartnermakesmoremoney,thatit’safinancialchoicewithnoego.Niceone,Marcus.IwasstartingtothinkIhadn’tneededtomakethoseflashcardsforhim;hewasanatural.
“Yeah,Emily,mywife,Ithinkshe’ssadshedoesn’tgetthattime.That’swhyIgiveherLilaassoonasshegetsin,soshegetsherone-on-one.Iknowhowmuchshemissesherduringtheworkday.”
IwidenedmyeyesatTola,mouthing,Simplemiscommunication!
“Yeah,Iknowwhatyoumean,itmustbehardforher.That’swhywhenmypartnergetsin,Itakeitasachancetosortoutthewashingandtidyupabit,sotheycanhavethattimeandnotworry.We’vegotagoodmilitary-stylesystem,haven’twe,babygirl?”Marcuslaughedathisdaughter,whoclappedherhands.
IcaughtsightofLiam’sface,likeithadneveroccurredtohim.
“It’stemptingtojustdumpthekidonthemwhentheywalkthroughthedoorandtaketimeforyourself,right?Butwetryandbeequals,somypartnertakesthebaby,I’llgetdinnerstarted.They’lldothebath,andthenI’llgotothegym…webothgetourtime.”
LiamlookedatMarcus,andnodded,asifhehaddecidedtorevealsomethingtothismysticalguideonhisdadjourney.Hetookadeepbreath.
“IcallEmilyalotatwork,Iknow,Ijustdon’tknowifI’mdoingagoodjob.Everyone’swaitingformetoscrewitup.Toleaveheronaparkbenchorgetherfingersstuckwithsuperglueorfindherchewingonthecat’stail.”
Liamrestedahandonhisdaughter’shead,andIsuddenlyfeltforhim.Hemightbecompletelycluelessastowhathiswifeneeded,butheclearlywantedtobeagooddad,agoodpartner.Hejustneededanudge.Maybearolemodel.Definitelyacommunity.IwonderedifMarcuswouldcatchthat…
“Areyoupartofaparentandbabygroup?”
Marcus,you’rehired!IgrinnedatTolaandEric,elated.
“Yeah,buttheyweremostlybossymumsandtheykepttellingmeIwasdoingeverythingwrong,so…”
“Thereareloadsofdadgroups!”Marcussaid,pullingouthisphone.“Here,there’sonelocaloneI’mpartofonFacebook—shallIinviteyou?”
IwatchedLiam’sfaceatthatmoment,somuchhopeandreliefthatIfeltmyselfgetalittlechokedup.Thatlooksaid,I’mnotalone
“Oh,blesshim,”Tolasaidsoftly,andIsmiledather,beforenudgingthembothtoshufflefartherawayfromtheplayarea.Whenwewereagooddistancefromthem,westartedtospeakatanormalvolumeagain.
“Thatwas…unexpected,”Ericsaid.“Ithoughttheplanwastogetthemintoacompetitionaroundwhosekidwasmoreimpressive.Iwaslookingforwardtosomesortofbabyrace!”
“Weonlygetonesideofthestory,”Tolasaid,somehowmoreenthusedthanbefore.“Turnedupthinkinghewassomewasteofadad,selfishandwhatnot,butthemanjustneededsomecommunityandsupport!”
“HethoughthewashelpingbychuckingthebabyatEmilyassoonasshecameinthedoor,”Isaidsoftly,shakingmyhead.“Ofcoursehedid.”
“That’scute.Ilikeit.Wecameherereadytoseehimfailandfoundhimreadytogrow.Lovetoseeit!”Tolawavedherhandsintheair.“Comeon!Youtwogetitnow,right?Youseethatwecouldhelppeople!Thereissomethinghere.”
“Yeah,okay,butwhatisit,exactly?”Ericcountered,raisinganeyebrow.“Playactingundercovertosavepeople’srelationships,whenreallytheyshouldjustgototherapy?”
Ilookedathim.“Strongwordsfromsomeonewhostilldoesn’ttalktoawholebunchofhisfamilymembersaftercomingout.”
Hethrewuphishands.“Theydon’ttalktome.Whichiswhyyougototherapytofixyourself,nottofixotherpeople.Youcan’tchangepeoplewhodon’twanttochange.”
“Hedidn’tknowhewantedtochange.Orthathisrelationshipneededsaving.”TolagesturedtowardLiamlookingatMarcuslikehe’dappearedsolelytopresenthimwithagenie,threewishes,andadeep-dishpepperonipizza.“Andnowhedoes.Bibbidibobbidiboo,bitches.We’reontosomething.”FIVE
Itmovedprettyquicklyafterthat,andTolatookcharge.Shebelievedinwhatweweredoingwithherwholeheart.Thatwecoulddogood,havefunfixingrelationships,freewomenfromtheirselflessness,andgetthemtoturnthatenergyinward.Withacherryontop,nodoubt.Ihalfexpectedhertoadd“worldpeace”tothelist.
Ericwantedthechancetoliveouthisactingfantasiesanddistractfromhisless-than-successfullovelife,sohewasalongfortheride,too.
AndI…Iwasbeinguseful.Helpingpeople.AtraitI’dbeenashamedofwassuddenlythekeytoeverythingTolawantedustodo.Theycouldn’tdoitwithoutme.AndIwasenjoyingthatalittletoomuch.
Tolahadaverycleargameplan:we’dtestour“fixingup”outonlotsofdifferenttypesofrelationshipproblemsandseeiftherewasanythingwecouldn’thandle.Atthebeginning,wewonderedwhetherwe’dfindanyoneelse,butweneedn’thaveworried.BeckyandEmilymentionedittotheirfriends,whohadsisters,whohadmorefriends,andbythetimethreemonthshadpassedwehadaplaybook,aquestionnaire,andabookingsystem.
Themen—yes,itwasusuallymen—fellintodistinctcategories:1)theunmotivatedand2)theunwillingtocommit.Theyweremiserableattheirjob,buttheywouldn’tdedicatethetimetodiscoveringwhatitwastheywanted.Theywantedtostartabusinessorwriteabookorrecordasong,buttheywouldrathertalkaboutitthandoit.Sometimesthewomenwantedengagements,butmorethananythingitjustseemedalotofincrediblystrong,motivatedwomenweretiredofdraggingtheirpartnerforwardandwaitingforhimtogrowup.Thesewerewomenwhowenttotherapyandworkedwithcareermentorsandranbigcompanieswhilstsettingupsidehustles.Womenwhoinvestedinthemselves.Andstill,theyneededtolookaftertheirpartner.Theyworriedabouthishappiness,whetherhewascontent,whetherhewasbondedwithhiskids,whetherhewassatisfiedinhischoices.TheyleftendlessPost-itnotesandsetalarmsandwroteoncalendars.Theyrantheirsharedliveswiththeefficiencyanddiligenceofanarmygeneral.Andstill,theyworriedaboutbeinganag.Theworstthingawomancouldbe,afteraspinster,ofcourse.
Therewereafewhoneytraps,womenwonderingiftheirhusbandswerecheating,butwedecidedearlyonthosewerenotforus.Theyweren’taboutgrowth.Theywereaboutrevealingwhosomeonereallywas,andIhonestlydidn’tlikebeingthepersontolureouttheworstofsomeoneandthenserveituplikeagift.Andweknewmostofthetimetheywouldn’tbelieveusanyway.
Tolalovedit,spenthoursdesigningbrightpinkbusinesscardsandanaggressivelyshoutywebsite.Butweknewithadtobeasecret—itwasthiswomen-onlyclub,asuddenrecognitionwheneverwespoketoanyone.Yes!theytoldus,thatiswhat’shappening,thatiswhatI’vehadtodealwith!Soweknewitcouldn’tbeanordinarywebsite.Weneededalevelofanonymity,protection.
ItwasEric’sideatohidetheFixerUpperinplainsight—awebsitedesignedtosupportbusywomen,witharticles,counselinglinks,somethingbasicandcolorfulwithnohintofwhatwewerereallydoing.Youcouldonlygettothebookingplatformifyouclickedonalinkformooncupsandfilledoutaform.Ericcreatedanalgorithmtoscanforthewords“tired,”“exhausted,”“fedup.”Tola’snewbusinesscardssimplysaidUnhappy?Fixitwithapasswordforthewebsite.
Webarelyneededthem.Wordofmouthwasenough.
Peopleareunique,sure,buttheirproblemsarenot.Therewerepatternstoidentifyandthingsthatalwaysseemedtowork,andbackupsforifthosestrategiesweren’tright.Ifillednotebookswithdifferent“plays,”likeIwasanemotionalconartist;and,thoughI’dnevertelltheothers,Ilovedthepretenseofitall.Therewerewigsandoutfitstowear,andcharacterstobecome.Erictriedtodoaccents,buthewasterribleatthem,sowevetoedthatimmediately.Wewerecreatingchanceencountersthatchangedpeople’sperspectives.Andthatfeltprettypowerful,eveniftheywereorchestrated.
Myeveningsweresuddenlyfull,schemingwithTola,shoppingwithEric.Stakingoutabar,tryingoutthatperfectopeningline.
“You’restillthinkingtoosmall,”Tolawouldsay.“Weneedtobehelpingwomenhelpthemselves,notjusttheirpartners.Wecoulddobigthingshere,Aly!”
“Ilikesmall,”Iwouldreply,“smallismanageable.Andthiswaywegettohavefunwithnorisks.Wejustgettoplay.”
Thenshe’dgetthatseriouslookthatshegotwhenshewasfrustratedwithme,oneeyebrowcurvingintoadeepgrooveatthetopofhernose,butshewouldn’tsayanything.
IknewshethoughtIwasachicken.She’dhavehugeideas,bigplanstolaunchtheFixerUpperasalifestylebrand,acompany,atwelve-stepprogram,andI’dpopthebubble,alwaysfindingaproblem.I’dbringherbackdowntoearth.Buteventually,peoplestartresentingyoubeingtheanchor,evenifyouarekeepingthemsteady.Tolawantedtosettheworldonfire,andIwasdousingeverysparkbeforeitcouldflame.
Soweagreedtoletherfactorinafewrepeatclients—peoplewhoneededmoreofanudge.Achanceencounterandthenasurprisefollow-up,areminderofthethingsyou’ddiscoveredtohelpthemessagesinkin.Afterall,apubconversationcanbefleeting.Wewerecreatingtheillusionoffatedinteractions.Theuniversewassendingyouamessage,soyoubetterlistenup.
Butthetruthwas,themorewedidthis(anddiditwell),theangrierIbecameatmyself.Everytimeanotherwomansentusabottleofchampagneorathank-youcardIwantedtobashmyheadagainstawall.Icouldcontroleveryoneelse’slifebutmyown.
ButToladidn’tseeitthatway.
Whichwaswhysevenmonthsandtwelvedaysafterourfirstexperiment,shestrodeovertomydeskandthrewabusinesscarddownonthetablelikeshewasstraightoutofagangstermovie.
“Wehaveanewclient.”
Iblinked.“What?”
“TheFU.”Tolagrinned.Shelovedshortening“FixerUpper”andwatchingmewince.Ipickedupthecardanddidadoubletakeonthename,lookingupather.
“Thisisforreal?”
Sheleanedagainstmydeskandletherbeautifulsmilebeamatfullwattage.Itwasalmostblinding.“Itisonehundredpercentlegit.Ispoketoherandherposse.Itwasmad.”
“Howdidshefindus?”Iblinked.“Surelyshehaspeopleforthissortofthing?”
Tolagrinned.“Babe,wearethepeopleforthissortofthing.HerassistantheardaboutusfromafriendandappliedthroughtheMoonPortal.Icalledtoseeifitwasforreal,anditis!Canyoubelieveeventherichandfamousneedourskills?”
Ilookedatthespikyfont,declaringNicoletteWetherington-Smythe:contentcreator,producer,innovator,entrepreneur,andinfluencer.
“God,she’sabusyone.”
“Shemusthaverunoutofroomfor‘socialclimber,’‘contestantonabsolutelyanyrealityTVshowthat’lltakeher,’and‘heiresstoakittylitterempire,’?”Ericsaid,leaningonthedividerformydeskarea,chompingonanapple.“We’vegottadoit,though,right?Justfortheshitsandgiggles?Whatkindofbeefcakeisshedating?LastthingIreadshewasdatingthecaptainoftheEnglandrugbyteam!”
“Nah.”Tolaexhaled.“Thatwasyearsago.ItusedtobethatposhChelseawankerofftheTVshowtheywerein?Youknow,on-again,off-again,dramaforthesakeofit?ButIthinkthisislike…anormalguy?Herassistantwasprettycagey.Saidshewantstohaveapropermeetingifwe’regoingtogoforit.Shewants…”Toladroppedhervoiceandliftedherfingersintoquotemarks,“anintensiveseriesofoccurrences.”
EricandIlookedateachother,frowninginconfusion.
“Isitme,ordoesthatsoundlikesomesortofhorribleobstaclecourse?”
“Orareallyscarysummercamp.”
Tolaplacedbothherhandsonthedesk,superdramatic,andpausedtomakesureshehadourfullattention.Shewaslovingthis.
“Shewantsfullexclusivityforamonth.”
“JesusChrist,what’swrongwiththeguy?Bathehiminholywaterorsomething.”
Erichadapoint,andItiltedmyheadatTola,requestingmoreinformation,butshethrewupherhands.
“Iknownothing.ExceptthatIreallywanttogotothismeeting.Becausewhentherichandfamouscomecallinganddemandingridiculousthings,youatleastknowit’sgoingtobeinteresting.Andthatthere’llbeexpensivechampagne.”Shegrinnedandlookedbetweenthetwoofuslikeweweretherigidparentswhocouldsnatchawayherdreamofstayinguptillmidnight.“Sowe’regoingtodothis,right?Atleasthearherout?Iamsointrigued.”
“Youguysgoandreportback.”Ericmadeanexecutivedecision.“Igetallflusteredaroundcelebrities.”
“Youbarelyknewwhoshewas.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.Iftheythinkthey’refamous,Igettongue-tied.Plus,anytimeIgotoFixerUppermeetings,theywaitformetosaysomethingandthengo,‘Oh,it’ssointerestingtohaveamaleperspective,’?”hemoaned,andTolalookedatme.
“Um,welcometoourworld,”Isnorted.“Atleastyougetpockets.”
“Fine,meandAlywillmeettheKittyLitterPrincessandseewhatkindofPeterPantypeshe’sdatinganddecideifit’sworththestress.Plan?”
“Plan,”Iagreed,thenpaused.“Um,canIgetbacktoworknow?”
Tolarolledhereyes,andstalkedoff,throwingan“ifyoumust”overhershoulder.
“Doyoueverfeellikewe’rejustalongfortheridehere?”Ericaskedmewithalittlelaugh,shakinghishead.
“I’dfeelmoretrustinginthisscenarioiftherewassomesortofmakeovermontageandTolasuddenlymademecool,”Ireplied.
“Maybeshe’sharnessingourpotential,justlikewearewiththoseguys.Weweretherealfixeruppersallalong!”Hemadeadorkyohmygod,whatarevealfaceandIlaughed.
“Tooscarytocontemplate.Go!I’llseeyoulater!”
IhadjustenoughtimetowatchEric’seyelineasitswitchedtoovermyleftshoulderandhisliptwitched.Oh,crap.
Iturnedinmyseat,knowingexactlywhoI’dsee.
“Hey,Hunter,sohowcanIhelpyouthismorning?”
—
NicoletteWetherington-Smythewasnotsomeoneaccustomedtohavingtowaitforwhatshewanted.SowhensherepliedtoTola’smessagewithaninvitationtotheRoyalefordrinksthatevening,Iwasintriguedtoseehowdifficultonemancouldbethatheneededourtotalattentionforawholemonth.Ialsowonderedwhatkindofmanwouldbeworthputtingintheworkfor,whenitcametosomeonelikeNicolette.Shewasbeautifulinthatwayrichgirlsinrealityshowswere,painfullyskinnyandbronzedandalwaysvaguelyethereal,likesomeonehadbroughtamannequintolife.SoIwonderedwhy,especiallyifshewasdatingsomeonenonfamous,shedidn’tjustgooutthereandgetherselfanewmodel.
Tolametmeoutsidetheofficeandlookedatmyworkoutfitindismay.
“Don’tstartwithme.”Iheldmyhanduptoher,andthenthrewitoutfortheblackcabcominguptowardus.Wejumpedin,andwhenIgavethecabbietheaddress,onlyafewminutesaway,hehuffed.ButwewerenotwalkinginheelsdownOxfordStreet,Ididn’tcarehowfamousshewas.
“It’sjustso…black.What’swiththewaroncolor,Aly?Thereissomuchbeautytobewornintheworld!”
“Blackisprofessional,it’sslimming,itdoesn’tshowdirt.It’salwayschic,”Isaid,beforediggingintomyhandbagformylipstick.“Besides,look,color!”
Iappliedmysignatureorange-redusingmyphonecameraandpressedmylipstogetherinsatisfaction.
“Oneofthesedaysyou’regonnatrustmeenoughtoletmeshopforyou,andit’sgoingtochangeyourlife.”Tolasighed,butsmiledtoshowshewasn’tserious.“So,doweneedtodoanyprep?”
“Likewhat?”Ifeltmyphonevibrateinmybag,andriffledarounduntilIgrabbedit.Mama.Ofcourse.Isenthertovoicemail,wincingasIdidit,thenrattledoffaquickapologytext,alreadyworriedabouthowshewasgoingtoreact.
TolawaslookingatmelikeIwasabouttomessthiswholethingup.Iputdownmyphone.“Whatkindofresearchdoyouwanttodo?”Irepeated,showingIwaslistening.
“Like…readupaboutNicolette?”Shenarrowedhereyesatme.“Whatisthis?Youloveresearch!”
Inodded.“Sure,butwedon’tknowanythingaboutthesituationyet.Thisistheresearchpart.Wego,welisten,weaskquestions,and,Tola,thispartisveryimportant:wedonotcommittoanythingonthespot.Okay?”
Shesaluted.“Noworries.You’retheboss.”
Idon’tthinkIam,somehow.
WheneverImeetfamouspeopleI’malwaysshockedbyhownormaltheylook.Howinconspicuous,intheirrattyjeansandscuffedConverses.IfTolahadn’tmadeabeelineforNicolette,Iwouldhavespentagesscanningthelow-litbarfortheinfluencer,searchingforsomeonewholookedliketheydidbehindafilter.
Nicolettesatinaone-shouldertopandrippedjeanswithcalfskinboots,herlongblondhairflowingoverhershoulder.Heronlyreallydistinctivefeaturewashereyebrows,fullandpermanentlyarchedlikeshewaswaitingforyoutotellherajoke.Shesmiledandwavedaswearrived,anditwaslikeamagnet,reelingusin.
“Hello,hello!”Shegrabbedourhandsandair-kissedusboth,beforegesturingoppositeher.“Sit!Sit!Iamsoexcitedtomeetyouguys!Ihaveheardsuchthings!”
Icouldalmostseetheitalicsinherspeech,butshewasmuchwarmerthanI’dexpected.
“It’ssogreattomeetyou,too,Nicolette—”Istarted,butsheshrieked.
“Nicki!Please!YoumustcallmeNicki!”
“Nicki.”Inodded,andsheimmediatelyjumpedin.
“Iorderedyoucocktails.”Shepushedtwoneonpinkdrinksacrosstous.“Myboyfriendsaysyou’vegottoletbartendersdotheirthing,butIlikebeingthecreator,tellingthemwhattoputin.Itmakesitareallypersonalexperience.Sothisismycreation:theLoveDrunkFlamingo!”
Tolareachedforhers,andItookasip,plasteringasmileonmyface.IttastedlikesomeonehadblendedaBarbiedollwithaMyLittlePony.Andthenstuckagrapefruitontop.
“Refreshing!”Iblinked,smackingmylips.
“Ijustthinkit’snicewhenyouarrivesomewhereandhavesomethingwaitingforyou,don’tyou?”Nickigrinnedatme.“There’ssomanydecisionstomakeinlife,Ijustloveitwhensomeonetakescontrol.”Likeabartender…?
“So.”Iassumedmybright-eyedlookofenthusiasmandthatvoicethatcravedthegossip.“TellusabouttheBoy.”
Ialwaysphraseditlikethat,likewewereteenagerssharingsecretsoverabottleofBacardiBreezeratahouseparty.Liketheycouldmentionallthethingstheylovedabouthimbeforetheyfinallygottothestubbornpartstheywantedtochange.Beforetheyallowedthemselvestoadmitthatthingsweren’tquiteright.
“Oh,he’ssoamazing,he’s—”shestarted,beforestoppingherself.“Oh,sorry,gotabitaheadofmyselfthere.Justneedyoubothtosignateensybitofpaperworkfirst,youknowhowitis.Thetabloidsandallthat.”
SheslidovertwofairlybasicNDAs,whichTolaandIscannedbeforesigning.ThoughIwonderedifofferingusadrinkbeforehandmighthaveinvalidatedthem.Itdidn’treallymatter,IhadnointerestintellinganyonewhoNickiwasdating.Ijustwantedtoknowwhatherproblemwas.Andatiny,stubbornpartofmewantedtoprovethatI,AlyssaAresti,couldchangeamanwhowastoodifficultevenforafamous,beautifulheiresstoconquer.
Weslidthepaperworkback,andshefoldeditawayintoherhugehandbag.
“Wonderful!So,youwantmetotellyouabouthim?”Nickiasked,expectingachorusofenthusedyeses,butwesimplynodded.
“Wemetinarestaurantafewyearsago—heactuallyspilledadrinkonme,andwhenIaccusedhimofdoingitonpurpose,hetoldmetogetovermyself!”Nicki’slaughwashigh-pitched,likesomeonegentlyrattlingatincup.“I’dassumedheknewwhoIwas,buthehadnoidea.ButIlikeabadboyandthisgruff,not-out-to-impress-methingwasdifferenttoanyoneelseIknewatthetime.”Sherolledhereyes,asifrealizinghowridiculousitwasthateveryonearoundhercateredtohereverywhim.ButIhadafeelingshewasrollinghereyesatsomethingelse.
“Ofcourse,onceIgottoknowhim,Irealizedhewasn’tlikethatatall.He’swarmandfriendlyandgetsonwitheveryone.Wewentoutafewtimesanditwasjust…sonormal.Wedidn’tgoanywherefancy.Imean,onenightwewenttoNando’s!”Sheputherhandtoherchestasiftheideawasoutrageous.“AndthengraduallyIstartedshowinghimmyworld.Wewentonsomegreattripsandspenttimeinnicerplacesandhemetsomeoftheguysonmyshows…”
Andhelikedit.Ofcourse.Howcouldyounot,seeingtheprivilegeandglamourthatcamewithNicki’slifestyle?Howeasyitwouldbetogetusedtothefreedrinksandfancyholidays.
“Andheunderstands,now,thelifethatIlead,whatI’maccustomedto.Wegoonholidays,heplansdates,hegetswhatcomeswithdatingsomeonelikeme.I’mnotreallyadinneratNando’sgirl,right?Andhelearnedthat.But…Igetthefeelinghedoesn’treallybelieveinwhatIdo.”
Whatdoyouactuallydo?
“Whatpartofyourcareerdoesn’theget?”Tolaasked,perfectlyphrased,andIwantedtosqueezeherinrelief.
“Theinfluencerthing.Hethinks…”Nickitookanunsteadybreath.“Hesaysit’slikeI’malwaysperformingtoaninvisibleaudience.ThatI’mnevermyself,I’mneverokaytojustleavethefansoutsidemypersonallife.”
“Ahh.”Tolanodded.“Butthat’sthejob,isit?You’vegottabecompletelyvulnerable,completelyauthentic.Shareeverysobandeverytriumph.”
Nickipointedatheraggressively.“Exactly!Exactly!Yougetit,ofcourseyougetit!Myfansaremybreadandbutter.Theyneedtostayinterestedinmeformetogetanywork.Mynumbers,follows,andengagementneedtobeupthere.Hejustdoesn’tgetthat.”
“Whatdoesyourboyfrienddoforwork,Nicki?”Iasked.
Youcouldn’texpecteveryonetounderstanddigitalmarketingandthewaythemoneyworked.EspeciallyifNicki’sboyfriendwassomeonewhohadamoretraditionalcareer.Wewouldjusthavetofindawaytomakehimseethevalue.Seethetrade-offforthosefancyholidays.Itwouldn’ttakeamonth.
“He’sanappdeveloper.”
IalmostspatNicki’sBarbiemonstrositycocktailacrossthetable.
“Anappdeveloperwhodoesn’tseethevalueofsocialmediaasamarketingplatformfordevelopingabrand?”Tolasaid,soscandalizedIalmostlaughed.
“He’sastart-upentrepreneur,reallyinnovativeandcreative.Heseesthevalueofit,hejustwantsmetostepback.”Shetiltedherhead.“AndIwanthimtostepup.”Ah,andnowwe’regettingsomewhere.
“Inwhatway,Nicki?”Ileanedforward,willinghertotrustus,touseexactlytherightwordssoIcouldidentifyherproblem.Diagnoseherrelationship
“Well,there’stheprofessionalside.He’sbeenastart-upforawhileandhehasn’tactuallystartedup,youknow?He’stoocautious.He’sbeenburnedbeforeandIgetit,butthewholepointofstart-upsisthattheymovequickly.Yougetabackerandyougetgoing,right?”
“Right.”Inodded.“Buthe’stakinghistime.Haveyoufundedhisbusiness?”
“No,hewouldn’tletme.Hesaysit’shisthing,hisresponsibility.Iwouldhave,though,it’sreallygood.He’sliterallyagenius.”
Shepronounceditthewayposhpeopledid—jeen-yus.
Okay,soit’snotthemoney.He’sgothonor,wantstodoitonhisownterms.Hejustneedsalittlehand-holding?
MyphonebuzzedandIlookeddownatit,dismayed.Mamaagain.Isentittovoicemailandplasteredalookofapologyonmyface,butNickididn’tevennotice.
“IfeellikeI’mreallyfocusedonbuildingmybrandandhe’sjust…not.I’mdragginghimalongbehindme,andI’mtired.Idon’thavethetimeforthat.”
TolasmiledandIhadtogiveittoNicki,shewasdoingexactlywhatTolasaid.Puttingherselffirst.Andthepapersmightcallheraselfish,spoiledprincess,butIkindoflovedit.
“He’sgotabigmeetingattheendofthemonth,pitchingtoinvestors,andIthinkheneedssomehelp.”
Ifrowned.“Imean,thatabsolutelyalignswithourmission,butwhywouldn’tyouuseabusinesscoachforthat?Whyusearelationshipone?”
“BecauseI’vegotabigmeetingattheendofthemonth,too…”Shelookedaround,searchingforthewordsasiftheywerehoveringintheairnexttothefauxstained-glasswindowsoronthevelvetliningofthebooth.“Idon’thaveenoughenergyforthebothofus.”Oh,honey.
I’dfeltthat,somanytimesbefore.Likeyouwerecarryingafriendwithatwistedankleacrossthemarathonfinishline.Buttherealitywasthatalotofthetimetheyhadn’tdonethetrainingandtheyweren’twearingtherightshoesandtheywouldratheryou’dpushedthemalonginawheelbarrowrightfromthebeginningratherthanhavingtorunatall.
TolareachedoverandputherhandoverNicki’s,wholookedupfrombeneathherlashesandexhaledshakily.Itsoundedlikerelief.
“I’msogladyouguysexist!Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Andofcourse,withmyprofile,it’simportantthatIdatesomeonewhocanbesuccessfulontheirown,youknow?Someonewho’swillingtobepartofitallbutwillalsobringsomethingofhisowntothetable.”
TryingtofollowNicki’sthoughtprocesswaslikechasingabutterflyaroundasauna.Iwonderedhowmucheditingthey’dhadtodoonthatTVshow.
“So…it’simportantthatyourboyfriendbesuccessful?”Iventured.
“Oh,it’ssoimportant.It’ssocialequity,youknow?Myagentwasdesperateformetomoveontoanotherrealitystar,ormaybeanup-and-comingsinger,someonewhowouldreallyboostmybrand,introducemetoawholenewaudience.But,it’slove,itcan’tbehelped.”Sheshrugged.“Whatcanbehelpedishisanti–socialmediathing.Ifhe’ssuccessfulandabitmorevocalaboutitbytheendofthemonth…”
“Hispitchtotheinvestorswillbebetterreceived?”
Nickishrugged.“Sure.Butitwillalsolookgoodformymeeting.I’vegotachanceatsomethingreallybig,butIneedhimbymyside.Himathissparkliest,mostimpressive,socialmedia–friendlybest.”
IfeltTolalookatmeoutofthecornerofmyeyeandtriednottogrindmyteeth.“Nicki,ifweworktogether,it’sreallyimportantweknowexactlywhatyouwant,sowecanmanageexpectations.Canyoutellusaboutthispotentialprojectyou’rehopingtoget?”
Shelookedatuswithwideeyes,clearlylovingeverymomentofthedrama.“Youcan’ttellasoul.”
Imadeazippingmotionacrossmymouth
“It’sanewshowcalledCelebrityWeddingWars.”Shesquealedandclappedherhands.“Theyhavethreecelebson,andtheyeachgototheothers’weddingsandjudgethem,andthebestonewinsmoneyforcharity.IfIwin,they’retalkingaboutlaunchingaweddingdresslinewitharespecteddesigner.Myownweddingdressdesigns,canyouimagine?”
“Ireally,reallycan’t.”
“SoyoucanseewhyI’dneedyouforthewholemonth!That’salottodo!Alifeoverhaulandaproposal!”Shelaughedagain,andthetinnynoisemademymolarstwinge.
Iwasgobsmacked.Notonlydidshewantherunmotivated,socialmedia–phobeapp-developerboyfriendtofinallyreachhisstart-uppotential,shewantedhimpresentedwithinfluencer-levelfollowers,achangedattitude,andaproposalbytheendofthemonth?Whatwasthiswomanon?
“Nicki,nooffense,buthaveyouconsideredjust…gettingridofhimandstartingwithablankcanvas?”Isaid,completelyserious.
Shejustlaughed.
“Oh,you’rehilarious.”SheturnedtoTola.“Isn’tshehilarious?Ican’t—Ilovehim.”
“But…nothingyou’vesaidabouthimmatcheswhatyouwant.Youareaskingustochangehimintoanentirelydifferentperson.Inamonth.Haveyouguystalkedaboutmarriage?Howlonghaveyoubeentogether?”
NickiwavedawaymyconcernslikeIwasadodderingaunt.“Aboutayear.Andofcoursewehave,we’vebeentosomanyofmyfriends’weddings.Italwayscomesup.”
“And…?”Tolaventured,thatserenesmilenowwipedoffherface.
“Hesayswhenthetimeisright,it’llberight.Sothat’syourjob.Toconvincehimthetimeisright.Perhapshe’llbesothrilledwithhissuccesswiththeinvestorsthatit’llbeanimmediateimpulseanyway!”
“Isheexpectedtopickthering,orwouldyoulikeourhelpwiththat,too?”Isaiddryly,andNickichuckled.
“I’vealreadypickeditout.Goodness,you’dletamanpickthejewelryyouhavetowearfortherestofyourlife?You’rebrave!”
I’dneverbeenaromantic,butIthoughtagainofmygrandparents.Thewaytheydancedtogetherattheendofthenight,thewayhiseyessoftenedashelookedatheracrossaroom.Thehandsheputonhischeeksometimeswhenshewaspassingby.Love.
ListeningtoNickiwaslikepouringabucketofwarmpissovereverybeautifulromanticgestureI’deverseen.Thisiswhathappenswheninfluencersgetendlessattentionandhavenolimitonresources.Thisisnarcissismatitsmostextreme.
IlookedatTola,whogavemeahopelesssortofsmile.Well,we’dcome,we’ddranktheawfuldrinkandheardthefamousladywithhercrazyplan.Itwouldbeafunstorytotell.Plus,IlovedtheRoyale,itwaslikestandingonthedeckoftheTitanic,alltheartdecofeaturesandfancylittletables.MaybeTolaandIcouldgetdinnerandlaughabouthowridiculousthisallwas…
“Nicki,I’vegottobehonest,Idon’tknowthatwecouldpullthisoff,”Tolasaidgently.
“Oh,you’rejustbeingmodest!”Nickiflappedherhandsasifdispellingourarguments.“I’ddoitmyselfifIhadthetime,butI’vejustgotsomuchelseon.Mylastboyfriendproposedandhewasn’tthatintotheideaeitheratfirst.”TherealityTVguy?
“Butheunderstoodthebenefittobothyourbrands,right?”Tolanudged.“Hewaspartofthatworld.”
Nickisighed,clearlyirritated.“Look,justmeethim?That’swhatyoudo,right,youmeethimtoassessthedamage?Andthenifyoureallythinkit’shopelessthenthat’sfine.”
TolaandIhovered,notsayingyesorno,soNickitookitasanaffirmativeandnodded,pickingupherphone.“Good.Alsoweshouldtalkfees.”
“Fees?”
We’dreallyonlybeencoveringourbartabssofar,likeahobbythatproducedchampagne.That’swhyI’dbeenconfidentthatthiswouldn’tturnintoafull-timebusiness,wouldn’tgetinthewayofmycareer.TheFixerUpperwasthreefriendsplayingdress-upandhavingfunhelpingpeople.Thisfelt…likeafull-onlegalnightmare.
“Foryourtime,darling,ifyoutooktheprojecton?Iunderstandit’sobviouslyalotofwork,whatwiththebusinesscoachingandthesocialgoalsandtheromancestuff,it’slikeafull-onlifecoachforamonth.”
“Well,yes,we’dhavetogoawayandcrunchsomenumbers,basedonhowmanyhours…”Tolastarted,butNickiflutteredherhandsagain.
“Well,Ihadathinkaboutanaveragemonth’swork,andthenthetravelandeverything,soIthoughttenthousandwouldbefair,whatdoyouthink?Though,obviously,ifthereareextraservicesalongtheway,Igetthat.”
Shelookedatus,wide-eyedandunblinking,andTolasqueezedmykneeunderthetable,asiftellingmenottoscrewthisup.Tengrandtograduallyweardownaguy’spersonalityforamonth?Tengrand.
Itookabreath.“Nicki,youdounderstandwecan’tguaranteeaproposal,right?”
ShesmiledlikeaCheshirecat.“Ofcourse,darling.Legally,thatwouldbeanightmare.Wecouldalwayssetupaslightlymore…encouragingpaymentstructure?Likefivethousandforthemonthofcoachingandtherestasabonusifheproposes?”
Itriednottofreakout.Whywasthissodifferenttotheotherwomenmoaningabouttheirboyfriendsnotcommitting?Whydiditfeelsomuchworsethistime?Icouldn’ttellifitwasthemoneyorthatIfeltsorryforthepoorguy.
IlookedtoTolainpanic,andshepattedmyhand.
“Nicki—”
“Justmeethim,okay?Don’tbesonegative!”Shegrinnedagain,thatwide,perfectsmilethatsomehowseemedtotakeuptoomuchofherface,likeshe’dtransformedintoapiranhaaftermasqueradingasadolphin.Andthenhergazeshiftedintothedistance.“Perfecttiming!”
Nickistoodupandwavedbehindus,andIknewexactlywhatshe’ddone.She’dhiredpeopletomanipulateherboyfriend,andshe’dmanipulatedusintomeetinghim.Ofcourse.Thiswasawomanwhogotshitdone.I’dadmireherifIwasn’tsoirritated.
IwidenedmyeyesatTola,whoraisedaneyebrow,unimpressed.Weweren’ttakingonthiscrazyjobanyway,soitdidn’tmatter.We’dsayhello,makeourapologies,andleavetolaughaboutthissomewheremoreaffordable.Tolanodded,asifsheknewexactlywhatIwasthinking.
AndthenIsawhim.
ThemanwalkingacrossthebartoNickiwastall,hisdarkhairwaspushedbackalmostartfully,andhisblueeyeszeroedinonher.Hehadalazysmileonhisface.OneI’dhaverecognizedanywhere.
Heworeadarksuitwithanopen-neckedwhiteshirt,andIknewwithoutlookingthathe’dhaveasilverSt.Christopheraroundhisneckandthatoneofhisfrontteethwasafake.IknewitthesamewayIknewhewasafraidofhorsesandhadbrokenhisanklewhenhewasthirteenandthathepressedhisthumbandforefingertogetherwhenhewasthinking.
DylanJames.
Hehadbeenmywholechildhood,mybestfriend,myfirstlove.AndIhadn’tseenhiminfifteenyears.SIX
Iwasgoingtobesick,Iwasgoingtobesosick.HowwasIevenmeanttoplaythis?Coolandreserved?Actlikenothinghadhappenedandhopehe’ddothesame?Ihadtopretendinthatwaythateveryonepretendswhentheyseesomeonefromtheirpast.Ihadtobethecharming,pluckygirlIwaswhenJasonbumpedintomeinlineatthatrestaurant:LookhowwellI’mdoing.
ButDylancouldalwaysseethroughmyfakesmilesamileaway.
Whenhegottothetable,Istoodup,waitingforhimtorecognizeme.
“Ohmygod,”Istarted,andhelaughed,lookingatme.
“Well,that’squitethegreeting!”Dylanheldoutahand,laughingashemetmyeyes.“DylanJames,goodtomeetyou.”
Ifeltmyfacedrop.Istoodthere,stillholdinghishand,suddenlyshriveling.Iwantedtoyell,Dyl,youidiot,it’sme!Butthewayhiseyesmetminestoppedme.Thiswasn’taccidental.Hewaspretendingonpurpose.
Somehowthatwasworsethanfakeniceties.
Ifeltsuddenlyweak,andsatdown,dismissed.
“ThisisAlyandTola,”Nickitrilled,focusedonherphoneinherhand,notevenlookingup.“They’rebusinesscoaches.I’vebeentalkingtothemaboutacoupleofmyprojects,butIactuallythinkthey’dbereallygoodtohelpyouaheadofyourbigmeeting.Whatdoyouthink,baby?”
Shelookedupathim,clearlyexpectinganenthusedresponse.Dylanrubbedthebackofhisneckandwincedalittle.“IthinkI’vebeenherethirtysecondsandyou’realreadytryingtofixmylife.”Hekissedhertempletotakethestingfromhiswordsandtookthephonefromherhands,placingitonthetable.Nickiraisedaneyebrow,butsaidnothing.
God,youhavenoidea.
“So…”Hiseyesmetmine,andIcouldfeelmyselfglaring.Saysomething,goon,saysomething.“IfIhiredyou,IcoulddependonyoutobetherewhenIneeded,right?You’llbearoundforthewholemonth?Wouldn’twanttoendupneedingyouandjustfindyou’ddisappeared.”Helookedawayandtookasipofthebeerthatawaiterbroughtover,noddinghisthankstohim.“Thatwouldn’tbevery…professional.”
Oh,sothatwashowitwasgoingtobe.
Iwantedtoletoutastreamofexcusesandarguments—Ileftforuni,youhadagirlfriend,andalso,fuckyou—butIstoppedmyself.
IletTolarespondwithhowweworkedinLondonandhadmetafewyearsago,thatwestillworkedatanagencywhilststartingupourownbusiness.
Hesatbackinthebooth,relaxedasanything,smilingandnodding,completelypleasant.Andthenthoseblueeyesmetmineliketheywereadare.
“Andwhataboutyou,Aly,wasit?”Youknowmyname,youbastard.Youknowmymiddlenameandmymum’snameandthenameofthebunnyrabbitIhadwhenIwastwelve.
“Alyssa.”Iturnedonmyworksmile,thoughitfeltlikechewingglass.“Whataboutme?”
“Youcanbetrusted?Ifwehiredyou,you’dbethere?”
Somehow,thisarrogantmansmirkingatmewastheboywho’dheldmyhandwhenmyparentsgotdivorced.Theboywho’dcriedonmyshoulderwhenhismumdied.ThepersonI’dsharedmyfirstcigarettewith,myfirstbeerwith.Allmysecretswith.UpuntiltherewasoneIcouldn’tshare.
“Ifpeopletellmethetruth,I’mloyaluntiltheend.”Ismiledtightly,meetinghiseyes.Igotthesatisfactionofwatchingthemflashwithirritation.Therewasnogettingawayfromhistory.DylanJamescouldpretendallheliked,butknowingwhosomeoneusedtobeisapeculiarpower.
Idon’tthinkI’drealizedwe’dbeenstaringateachotherforsolong,untilTolanarrowedhereyesatmeandsaid,“We’reopenbooks.Whatotherinformationcanweprovide?”
Thewholetime,Nickiwatcheduswithinterest,herchinrestingonherhand.LikewewereaTVshowshecouldn’tstopwatching.Maybeshethoughtthiswasallpartofourspiel,thatouractincludedmegrowlingatthemarkuntilhestoppedactinglikeanarsehole.Still,hereyeskeptflickingtoherphoneonthetable,likeshewaswaitingforanopportunitytostealitback.Asinterestingaswewere,wecouldn’tcompetewithhundredsofthousandsofloyalfollowers,validatinghereverythought.
DylanfocusedonTola,thinkingabouthisquestioncarefully.“Youtwoarebusinessexperts?”
“We’reexpertsathelpingpeoplereachtheirpotential,”IrepliedbeforeTolacould,andtiltedmyheadslightly.Don’tyouremember?Youwerethefirst,afterall.
Helaughedderisively.“Howsweet.Hand-holdingandcheerleading,then,isit?”
“Babe!”Nickiyelped,amusementsurfacingalongsidetheembarrassment.“Don’tberude!”
“Well,wewon’tbedoingyourmathhomeworkforyou,ifthat’swhatyoumean,”Ibitback,outwardlyhostilenow.Evenmysmiledidn’thideit.Hesmirkedlikehe’dwonapoint.
I’dbeensoexcitedtoseehim,eventhroughmymortification.Hecouldhavegreetedmewiththatsamesmile,thatsameshrug,andeverythingwouldhavebeenfine.Instead,Ifeltlikeafoolforthatbriefjumpofdelightwhenheappeared.Achildwhoshouldhaveknownbetter.
“Well,leavemeyourbusinesscard,it’sgettingratherexhaustingharnessingallthispotentialonmyown.”Helaughed,moregenuinelythattime,andwinkedatme.Winkedatme.Ibristled,buthe’dalreadymovedon,askingTolaabouthercustomizedleatherjacketandgettingNicki’sinputonfashion,generallycoordinatingaconversationthatbypassedmealtogether.
Dylanhadalwaysbeencharming,evenasagawkyteenager.Hehadawayofgettingyoutosmile,nomatterhowannoyedyouwereathim.Heknewthatoncehehadyousmiling—didn’tmatterifyouwereagirlwithacrushorateacherlookingforgeographyhomework—youwereagoner.Ialwayswonderedwhetherthatcharismaandfriendlinesswouldgrowintountemperednarcissismwithoutmearoundtomakefunofhim,toremindhimtobereal.AnditseemedIwasright.Butitwasunfairthathegottobehandsome,too.
Nickihadpickedwell.Sheacknowledgedeverywaitresswhoglancedhisway,everywomanwhoturnedherheadasshewalkedby,andnodoubtshelovedit.ItwasafractionoftheattentionshewouldhavegottenwhendatingthatrealityTVstar,butstillalittlerecognitionthat,yes,thisonewasspecial.
Dylanhadfilledout.Hewassolidandbroadshouldered,andhisshirtsleevestightenedaroundhisbicepsashereclinedagainstthebooth.Isupposedthatwasn’tasurprise;hisdadusedtobeinthearmy,healwaysmadehimdodrillsonSundaymorningstokeepfit.Somethingswerethesame,though.Thosedarkeyelasheswerestilllushandcurly.I’dspentendlessminutescomplainingabouthowunfairitwasthathegotBambilasheswhilstIhadtonearblindmyselfwithcurlingcontraptionsandmascarawands.Healwaysjustflutteredhislashesandgrinnedatme,saying,Why’dyoubotherwithanyofthatcrapanyway,Aly?It’sjustus,noonecares.I’dbeenthebestfriend,neveragirl
IknewDylancouldfeelmyeyesonhimbecausehisgazekeptflittingbacktome,beforerefocusing.IwantedhimtowonderwhatIthoughtofhim,whetherIwasmeasuringhimupandfindinghimwantingalltheseyearslater.Ijustdidn’twanttowonderwhathethoughtofme.
Whenwesaidourgood-byesteneternalminuteslater,Dylandidn’tmeetmyeyes.Insteadhefocusedonmyleftearlobeasheraisedahandinfarewell,stillrelaxedinthebooth.
“Reallylovelytomeetyou,”hesaid,stonyfacedandthinlipped.
“Yeah,Mr.James,”Isaid,overenunciating,“reallyilluminating.”
IwatchedastheirritationappearedagainandknewI’dwon.WhichwouldhavemeantsomethingifIdidn’thavethestrangedesiretoburstintotears.
Whenwefinallyescapedoutontothebusystreet,Tolagrabbedmyhand.“Whatthehellwasthat?”
“Unfuckingbelievable,that’swhatthatwas.”
IfeltlikeI’dbeenhitbyacar,andthebrightgraysofaLondonskyandthepeoplemillingaboutusonthepavementweren’thelping.ImusthavelookedasfaintasIfelt,becauseTolatookcharge.
Shetookmetoabararoundthecorner,satmedown,thenmarcheduptothebarandorderedustwomartinisandashareplatteroffriedgoodies,because,assheoftensaid,onionringsaregoodforthesoul.
Bythetimeshereturned,I’dstartedtofeelalittlemorenormal.Tolaplacedthedrinkinfrontofmeandgesturedformetosip,likeitwasaceremonialbeginningtoourconversation.
“Good?”sheasked,andIsippedandnodded.
“Okay.”Shesplayedherhands.“Spill.”
Itwashardtoknowwheretostart,orhowmuchtoreveal.WhetherIshouldleavetheembarrassingstuffout,downplayhowmuchhe’dbeenapartofmylife.Keepitsimple.
“DylanJamesismybestfriend.”
Tolafrowned.“Didn’tlooklikethat.”
Iwinced.Idiot.
“Was.Wasmybestfriend.”Thoughhehadn’thadmuchcompetitionovertheyears.MylastrealfriendbeforeI’dmetTolaandEric,whichwasmoreembarrassingthanIwantedtoadmit.Iwasn’teasytogettoknow.
TheyearsafterDylanIhadbeenheaddown,focusedonmystudies,notwantingtogethurtagain,datingaguywhomostofthetimebarelyevennoticedIwasaround.Youmakeitdifficulttolikeyou,Aly,heusedtosay.Threewastedyearswithsomeonewhodidn’tevenlikemeverymuch.Someonewhotooktheplaceoffriendsandhobbiesandallthoseexperiencesyou’remeanttohavewhenyou’reawayfromhomeforthefirsttime.
WhichwaswhyIleftuniversitywithafirst-classdegree,andnoonetohuggood-byeatgraduation.
“Imethimonthefirstdayofsecondaryschool.Weweretheonlyoneswhoreallygoteachother…”
IkepttryingtoplacetheimageofateenageDylanontothemanI’djustseen,butitwasalmostimpossible.TheDylanIknewsmiledallthetime,andnotthattight,fakesmilebutrealandwide.HehadtheloudestlaughI’deverheard.
“Andyouhadahugeargumentandneverspokeagain?”Tolafilledin.“Becausethatwaswhatthatlookedlike.Exceptfortheweird‘pretendingnottoknowyou’thing.”
“Itwasabitmorecomplicatedthanthat…”Isighed,tryingtofigureouthowvulnerabletomakemyself.ButTolasmiledandpattedmyhand.
“Tellme.”
“Idevelopedacrush.ItwasthelastyearofschoolandIthoughtifIcouldjustgettouniandmeetsomeonenew,itwouldpass,youknow?”Ipressedmylipstogether.“I’dstartmywholenewlife,andhe’dstillbemyfriend,andeverythingwouldbeperfect.”
“But…”
“Wewereatthisparty,playingtruthordare,andoneoftheguysdaredDylantokissme.Asifitwastheworst,mostridiculouspunishmenttheycouldthinkofforhim.”Ievenedmyvoiceout,tappingmyfingertipsonthetabletop.“AndIdon’tknowifyou’veeverbeenkissedbysomeoneyoulikeinfrontofaroomfullofpeoplewhothinkit’shilarious,butitbrokeme.ItwaslikeeverythingI’dwantedandtheworsthumiliationIcouldimagineallatonce.”
He’dsmileddownatmeafter,thumbedmycheekwithaffectioninhiseyes,andforthesmallestmomentmyhearthadleapedwithhope.Maybeithadmeantsomething.Thenheturnedroundtoeveryoneelseandsaid,“Allright,you’vehadyourfun,youweirdos,nextperson!”
“Igotabsolutelyhammered.Like,half-a-bottle-of-tequila-and-a-whole-freaking-lemonhammered.Iwascompletelygone.”Iblinkedtostopmyselfcringing.
“Hey,ithappens,youwereateenager.”Tolashruggedoneshoulderandnudgedmegently,asifremindingmeshewasrighttherenexttome.
“Butyouknowwhenyoulookbackandrealizehowfuckingdangerousitwas,tobesooutofcontrol?Howyoutreatedyourselfwithsolittlecare?”
Tolatiltedherheadandgavemealook,asiftosay,Youstilldo.Shedidn’tspeakforafewseconds,andthensaid,“Babe,isthisstoryabouttogetsuperdark?”
Ishookmyhead,andshenodded,justonce.Iknewinthatmoment,nomatterhowdarkthestorymighthavebecome,shewouldhaverespondedthesameway:takingasipofhermartini,smilinggently,andencouragingmetocontinueinmyowntime.
“Dylanfoundme,tookmehome,andlookedafterme.Idon’tremembermuch,Idon’trememberwhatIsaid.IknowIwassick,IknowhegavemehisT-shirt.ImusthavegivenmyselfawaysomehowbecauseIsaidsomethingandallIrememberishiseyeswideninginshock.Hewashorrified.”
God,tellingthistoTola,evensomanyyearslater,washard.
“Andthenitwasmorning,andIwasunderthecoversandhewasasleepontopofthem,andhisphonebuzzed.Messagesfromhisgirlfriend,annoyedthathe’dlookedaftermeinsteadof‘deflowering’herastheyhadpreviouslyarranged,Iguess.”Itriedtolaughitoff,butToladidn’tlaughwithme.Shejustlookedsad,asifshecouldseewherethiswasgoing.“Andthemessageshe’dsentbackwhilstIwasasleep…abouthavingtolookafterme,aboutwhataburdenIwasandhowhewouldn’thavetoworryaboutitanymorewhenIwasacrossthecountryatadifferentuni…well,I’dalwaysfeltabitlikeahanger-on,himbeingsopopularandfittinginsoeasilyeverywhere,butI’dneverthoughthe’dseenmethatway,too.”
Hemademeintothesadlittlepatheticsidekick,embarrassinglyinlovewithhim.Alwayshangingon,alwayshoping.
“SoIsnuckout,andwenthomeandaskedmymumifIcouldgospendthesummerwithmygrandparentsinCreteuntilIwenttouni.IblockedhisnumberandIdisappeared,andweneversaweachotheragain.”Isplayedmyhands.
“Untiltoday.Oh,Aly,”Tolasaid.“Butthatstilldoesn’texplainwhyhethinkshehasthemoralhighgroundhere.Orwhyhepretendedhedoesn’tknowyou.”
“IguessIghostedhiminsteadofhavingthebigargument.Iwasn’tgreatatconfrontationbackthen.”Ishruggedandsippedmydrink.Okay,I’dbaredmysoul.Thatwasn’ttoobad.
“Oh,yeah,becauseyou’rebrilliantatitnow,doingHunter’shomeworkandconstantlywaitingforFelixtogiveyouthatpromotioninsteadofjustdemandingit.”
“Ihavebeendemandingit!Anyway,it’snotthesame…I’dtrustedhimandbeenprovenwrong.Allthoseyearsoffriendshipfeltlikealie.IthoughtI’dseentherealhimandhe’dseentherealme,butIwaswrong.Iwastooembarrassedtohaveabigargumentaboutit.”
Igotonaflightthatnight.InasmallvillageinCrete,Iletmycousinsstrokemyhairandtalkaboutbrokenhearts,andIdrankcoffeewithmygrandmother.Intheevenings,Iwatchedassheandmygrandfatherdancedtogetherundertheawningonthestoneveranda,hugebunchesofjuicyredgrapeshangingabovetheirheadsastheyswayed.AndIrememberedthattherewassomeoneforeveryone,ifyouwerejustpatientenough.Ihadawholelifeaheadofme,Iwouldgotouniversityandfindmypeople.Itfeltlikehope.
Andthen,ofcourse,IwentofftouniandIdidn’tfitthere,either.Ididn’tmakethosefriendshipseveryonealwaystalksabout.Iwasstillonthephoneeveryeveningwithmymother,whowassomehowworsenowthatIwasn’ttheretoplaythegrouchyteenagerandkeepmydadatarm’slength.Ithrewmyselfintomystudies,becausethatwaswhatIwastherefor.
AndthenI’dmetTimothyandI’dbuiltaworldaroundhim,becauseIhadn’tfoundfriendsanditseemedsoveryhardtotrustsomeoneagain.AndbythetimeIrealizedTimothyhadbeenabadidea,thatIwasalonely,homesicklittlehusk,Ionlyhadafewmonthsleftbeforegraduating,andeveryonewasbusyinthelibraryanyway.Ididn’thavetimeforfriends.Ionlyhadtimeformyplans:afirst-classdegree,amaster’scourseIcoulddofromhome—whereIcouldkeepMamasafe—andajobthatwouldleadmestraighttoacorneroffice.
Thathadbeentheplanforyears,andIwassonearlythere
Tolapickedatamozzarellastick,frowningatitassheusedittomakeherpoint.“Whywouldn’thejustadmitheknewyou?It’ssoweird.Nickiclearlynoticedsomethingwasup.”
Ishrugged.“Hewasalwaysgoodatpretendingtobeokay.”
“Well,clearlyyouhavethatincommon,”Tolasnorted,andInudgedher.“Hewasn’twhatIwasexpectingfromNicki,though.FromthewayshespokeIthoughtwe’dhaveasociallyawkwardguyrockingupinboardshortsandvideogameT-shirts.”
ItriedtoforgetwhatIknewofDylanandjustassesstheguywe’dmet.“Well,thesuitwasn’tcheap,butthatcouldbeNicki’sdoing.Hewalkedandtalkedwithconfidence;hedidn’tseemlikesomeonewhoneededhelppreparingforapitch.Helookedlikesomeonewhocouldstandnexttoheronaredcarpet.”
Tolalaughed.“Yep,can’targue,he’saprettyboy.Onewhowon’tbetakingherforchickendinnersanymore,apparently.Seemslikeshe’sdoneadecentjobofcraftinghimintowhatshewantsalready.”
“Hewasalwaysprettygoodatthathimself.Helikestobeliked.Achameleon,fittinginwithanycrowd,anysituation.Whenwewereteens,heusedtocompletelychangehimselfforwhatevergirlhefancied,youknow?He’dbethesportyone,orthesensitivetype,ortheromanticone.He’dknowexactlywhattodotomakethemfallforhim.”
“WhydoIgetthesenseyouwereinvolvedhere?”
Ishrugged.“IguessIusedtohelphim,withschool,withgirls.”
“Youtaughthimtohustle?”Tolalaughed.
“Itaughthimhowtobetheperfectboyfriend.Ifanything,it’sfunnytohearhimtellNickithatshe’splayingapart.He’sbeendoingthatsincewewerekids.Ifshetoldhimwhatshewanted,he’ddoit.That’swhoheis.Idon’tthinkNickievenneedsus.”
“Apartfromneedingtofixthefactthathedoesn’thaveenoughfollowerstomakeitworthherwhile.Iknowtheguymighthavebeenabitofadicktoyou,butIdokindafeelsorryforhim.Hehasnoideawhathe’sinfor.”
“Well,goodlucktothemboth,”Isnorted,holdingupmyglass.“Mayweneverhavetodealwitheitherofthemagain.”
“Amonthtogethimtoproposesoshecouldbeonaweddingshow…”Tolashookherhead,raisingherglasstoclinkitagainstmine.“I’vedealtwithsomesocialmediadivas,butreally,shewasoffthecharts.”
“Well,atleasttheeveningendedwell.”Igesturedatourtable.“Goodfood,goodcompany,andagoodstorytotell.”
“Cheerstothat.Aren’tyoucurious,though?Don’tyouwanttogobackthereandshakehimandaskhimwhyhe’spretendingandhaveitallout?I’dbedying.”
Ishrugged.“Thatmanisnotmyfriend.Hemighthavebeenonce,butthere’snopointsearchingforthefutureingraveyards.”
“Damn,you’restone-cold,”Tolalaughed.
“Ijustdon’thavetimeforstuffthathurts,”Isaidsoftly.“That’sall.”
WepaidthebillandIwonderedwhatkindofstoryTolawasgoingtobuildthisadventureintoforErictomorrow.Welaughedonthetubeonthewayhomeandmovedontootherstories,sillythingspeopledidintheoffice,theplansforthenextFixerUpperclient,thedramathatwasgoingoninTola’s(infinitelyyoungerandcooler)friendshipcircle.WhenwewentouroppositewaysatKing’sCross,shehuggedmefiercelybeforeturningwithnowarningandalmostvaultingforhertrain.
Butthatnight,whenIwascurledupinbed,warmandcomfortable,Icouldn’tsleep.IkeptseeingDylan’seyeslookingatmewithachallenge,daringmetobreakfirst,tothrowthegameandaskhimwhatthehellhethoughthewasdoing.Iredidourfirstmeetingoverandoveragaininmyimagination,tryingtofindonewhereitdidn’thurt.Wherewegreetedeachotherwarmlyandleftasfriends.Howwouldithavegoneifwe’dbumpedintoeachotherwithoutNicki,ifI’djustbeenhavingdinnerwithTola,orhadseenhiminthestreet?
IwasashamedofthethrilleddelightthathitmewhenIfirstsawhim,thatmyfirstthoughthadbeen,Yay,myfriendishere!Iwasangryatmyself.Buttheincredibleirritationdidn’tstopmefromfinallygivinginwhentheclockreadonea.m.,pickingupmyphone,andgooglingDylanJames.
I’dheldoutforadecade,onastrictdietofdenial—noDylannews.ThemostIgotwaswhenmymothermentionedseeinghisdadatthelocalshops,andeventhen,Ichangedthesubject,notwantingtowonderifhisrelationshipwithhisdadhadimproved,orifheevercamebacktovisit.
BecauseIknew,IknewI’dbelikethis.Addictedtoknowingmore.OnceIfinallystoppedignoringthatshadowinthecornerofmyvision,I’dwanttoseeeverything.
WhichwaswhyIwasstillawakeatfourinthemorning,scouringtheinternetanddevouringthetinybreadcrumbsofhistoryandachievementoftheboythatI’donceloved.SEVEN
“Alyssa,canyoucomeoverafterworktoday?”Mymother’svoicewasstrainedwhenshecalledthenextmorning.Iyawnedintomycupofcoffeeandtriedtocoverit.IneededMamatostopcallingonmyworkline.Ididn’tevenremembergivingittoher.
MybrainwasstillbuzzingwithDylanandeverythingI’dlearned,myinternetresearchmakingmefeelalittleicky,likeastalker.
Somepartofmehopedhe’dbeenasperturbedasIhadbyoursuddenencounter,thathe’dgoneandhuntedmedown,too,tryingtofindoutifI’dturnedoutthewayhethoughtIwould,ifI’dachievedmydreamsandprovenmyworth.He’dprobablyonlyfindmycarefullycuratedprofessionalbioandmyLinkedInprofile.Afterall,itwaseasiertostayanonymouswhenyouweren’tdatingalow-levelcelebrity.OnceIlookedforhim,itwaslikehewaseverywhere.Atonepoint,he’dworkedatacompanythreeroadsoverfrommyoffice.Itdidn’tseempossible…
Iscrewedupmyeyesandblinked,tryingtofocusonthetasksahead.Talktomymother,workmyassoff,getthatpromotion.
“Sure,Mama.”Isighed,pinchingthebridgeofmynose,thenscanningmydeskforpainkillers.“Youokay?”
Therewasamomentofsilence,beforeaveryquiet,“Yes.”
Mymotherwasaterribleliar.Itriedtotampdownmyirritation.Whatwasitnow?WhatwouldIhavetosortout?
“Mama,”Irepeated,ahintofwarninginmyvoice.
“We’lldiscussitwhenyoucome,darling.Don’tworry.”
Iwasn’tgoingtopush,itwasonlytena.m.andI’dhavetomakeitthroughthewholedaybeforeIsawher.
“Okay,butyou’rehealthy,right?”
Shelaughed,andIsighedinrelief.“Mylittleworrier.Fitasafiddle.Allwillbewell,Ijustwantmycleverdaughter’sopiniononthings.I’llorderpizza.”
Uh-oh.Comfortfood.DefinitelyDaddrama.WhenIwasakidIusedtowishforsiblings,justsoI’dhavesomeonetosharetheburdenwith.ButI’dprobablyhavejustendeduplookingafterthem,too.
Ineverknewhowtofixthisthingbetweenthem.Theyweredivorced.Dadhadremarried.Andstill,still,Iwashavingthesameconversationeveryweekwithmymother.LikeinGroundhogDay,Ijustdidn’tknowhowtoputastoptoanyofit.
Whenmygrandmotherlivedwithus,aftermygrandfatherdiedandI’dgraduated,wehadagoodfewyearswheremydaddidn’tcomenear.Mamahadhersupportsystemandmygrandmotherwasawolf.She’dshoohimawaywhenhestartedturningup.Onetimesheevenchasedhimwithabroom.Ihadhowledwithlaughter,thistinylittleoldladyrunningouttherewithherbroomheldhigh,onlyrealizingshe’dforgottentoputherteethbackinwhenshetriedtoyell.Shewasbrilliant.Thekindofno-nonsensewomanIwantedtobe.
Butaftershedied,Dadcamebackagain,sayinghewantedtobethereforMamainhergrief,thateveniftheyweren’tmarriedanymore,itwastherightthingtodo.Whichsoundsadmirable,ifyoudon’tknowhim.Andsoshegottangledupalloveragain.Inawayhemadeherthemistressthistime,andI’dneverforgivenhimforthat.Honestly,Iwasn’tsureIforgaveher,either.
Whenmyfatherwasn’taround,Mamawasthebest.Sheworkedatthehospital;shewenttopotteryclassesanddancedsalsaonFridaynights.Shehadaloudbunchofgoodfriendswhothrewreallyexcellentdinnerparties,andshesangwhilstshewateredhergarden.Shegrewthesebeautiful,colorfulplantsinherlittlegardenthatseemedtobursttheminutespringarrived.Shehadagoodlife.Andthenhe’dcomearoundandtearitdownagain.Sometimes,shewantedmetotellheritwasallright,thathelovedherreally.Orelseshewantedtohearthatshedeservedbetter,tobuildherupsoshehadthestrengthtoturnhimaway.
Ithadbeenyears,andIwastiredofsayingthesamethingswhennothingevergotbetter.
Thedaydraggedon,andIfocusedonmywork,sleepybutdetermined.Iaskedhoweveryone’sdaywasandwhattheirfamilieswereupto,showingmyenthusiasmtoFelixorgrindingmyteethtodustwhenHunterappearedatmydesklikeagremlin.
Iwantedthatjobmorethananything.Gettingthatpromotionwouldmeaneveryotherpartofmylifewasjustfine.SoIkeptasmileonmyface,wrotemyreports,ranmymeetings,andpretended.IorderedaretirementcakeforoneofthesalesguysandremindedFelixthatitwashiswife’sbirthdaythisweekend.
“Shit!Aly,you’realifesaver!”hesaidashescouredtheinternet,frowning.“Whatdoyouthinkshe’dlike?”
WhatdoI,awomanwho’smetMarilynthreetimes,comparedtoyou,herhusbandoftwelveyears,thinkshe’dlikeforherbirthday?
Iofferedafewoptions,andsaidIwantedtorunateam-buildingdayattheendofthemonthbecauseIwasworriedthenewerteammembersweren’tfeelingpartofeverything.Felixsmiledandnoddedanddidn’treallyhearme.ButIbookeditin,sentroundtheemail,andfiguredhe’dfinditcleverwhenitwashappening.IfeltlikehekepttellingmeIneededtoshowup,stepup,provemyself.Hekepttellingmetojump,buthewouldn’ttellmehowhigh.
SoIjustfocusedonjumpinghigherthananyoneelse,inalldirections.Iwouldbenoticedsoonenough.Andnothing,noteventhefreakishreappearanceofhererstwhilebestfriend,couldthrowAlyssaArestioffhergame.
“Hey,Aly,haveyougotaminute?”Matthewsmiled,allnervoushopefulness,andInodded,gesturingattheseatbehindme,evenasIfelttheexhaustionmakingmewaver.
“Ofcourse!Pullupaseat.HowcanIhelp?”
Matthew’slookofreliefwassweet,andhegrabbedthewheeliechairfromtheemptydeskbehindme.Matthewalwayshadthelookofaboyathisfirstdayofschool;Iwasn’tsureifhewaswearingthewrong-sizedshirtsorifhelikedthesereallycolorfulties,butitmademewanttotakehimundermywing.I’dbeenthefirsttohelphimgethisbearingswhenhestartedatthecompanyaboutayearandahalfago,and,unlikeHunter,Ididn’tmindbecausehewasjustsodamngrateful.Ericinsisteditwasanact,butIdidn’tthinkso.
“Oh,Isoappreciateit,Aly,youhavenoidea.”Heexhaled,thatfunnylittlefurrowinbetweenhiseyebrowsappearingagain.Ilikedhiscurlydarkhairandhoweasilyhesmiled.WhichwasprobablywhyI’dbrieflyendedupkissinghiminanabandonedstairwellathisfirstofficeChristmasparty.Itwasanunderwhelming,nervous,drunkenfumble,andwe’dbeenabitawkwardforawhile,butnowhehadagirlfriendandwewerebacktoaveryclearmentor-menteedynamicagain.
Besides,I’dlearnedthedayafterthathewasonlytwenty-five,whichdidn’tfeelgreattome.LikeI’daccidentallyabusedapositionofpower.SoIhelpedhimout,andhegushedandthankedme,andthatwashowweworkednow.Anice,friendlything.
“WhatdoyouthinkofthispitchforthenewVelvetTouchmoisturizer?Something’snotrightandIcan’tputmyfingeronwhatitis.”Heslidthefileacrossmydesk,keepinganappropriatedistance,andIfocused,scanningthepages.
“Hmm,you’reright.”Iclickedmywrists,thinking,thenreachedforapen.“Doyoumind?”
“Youkidding?Gonuts.Yourideasaregolden.”Hesmiled,gesturingatthepage.
“You’resweet,”Isaid,eyesstillonthepapers.“Isthecompanybriefingdocumentinhere?”
Hepulleditoutfromtheback,andIfrowned.“Ah,okay.See?Itdoesn’talignwiththeirtargetaudience,right?Designhavegoneyoungandfresh,butaverageconsumeristhirty-five-plus.”
“Yeah,buttheywant—”
“Theyoungermarket?”Inodded.“Sure,buthowmuchisapotoftheirfacecream?”
Hemadeaface.“Abouteightyquid.”
Iheldupmyhands.“It’syourjobtoconvincetheclientwhat’spossible,Matt.Managetheirexpectations,redirectthemtosomethingachievable.You’vegotthis.Shouldersback,talkwithauthority.Youknowthisindustry,youknowwhat’sgoodfortheirbusiness,right?”
Hesmiledatme,sograteful,andnodded.“Right.Thanks,Aly.Really.Don’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou.”
Iwaveditoffashegotupandneatlyputthechairback.
“Oh,andMatt?”Heturnedback.“Changethatgod-awfulfont,okay?Felixwillhaveyourheadonaplatterforevenmakingamock-upwithComicSans.”
Hesnortedandsaluted.“Yougotit,boss.”
Hunterwalkedpastmydeskanddidadoubletake,lookingbackatMattwalkingoffwithaspringinhisstep,andgavemethatsmarmygrin.“Whyyouplayingfavorites,Aly?You’reneverthatnicetomewhenIneedhelp.”
Ibaredmyteethinanapproximationofasmile.“Becauseheaskspolitely.Andnotfiveminutesbeforetheendoftheworkingday.”
Hunterpouted.“Oh,don’tbelikethat.Youknowyoulovethepower,allofusenthralled,unabletodoanythingwithoutyou.”
Itookadeepbreath,andchuckedmystuffintomybag,pausingasIwalkedpastHuntertopathimontheshoulder.“You’reright.Itmustjustbethathe’sprettierthanyou.”
Iwalkedoffbeforehecouldgetanothercheapshotin,andcaughtTola’slookofjoyasIsteppedintothelift.Shemarkeda“one”intheairlikeshewaskeepingascoreboard.KnowingTolaandEric’sinfamousofficesweepstakes,shemayhavebeen.
Workhadbeenagloriousdistraction,buttheminuteIsteppedbackonthetraintowardmymother’shouse,Ifellbackintomygooglingholeyetagain,goingovereverythingI’dlearnedaboutDylanlastnightagain.Ifoundawebpageforhisfirm,EasterEggDevelopment,butitdidn’thavemuchbeyondateampage,youngsmilingfacesoozingpotential.HecouldbespottedinthebackgroundofafewofNicki’ssocialmediaimages,butnothingdistinctive.Nosocialmediaprofiles.IlookeduptheUniversityofPortsmouthalumnipagetoseeifhewasinthegraduationphoto,butIcouldn’tseehim.Themannearlydidn’texist.
Iwonderedagainifhe’ddonethesamesearchformelastnight.Whetheroursurpriseencounterhaddisturbedhim,too.Ormaybehe’djustspenttheeveningdrinkingexpensivedrinksandeatingfancyfoodwithhishigh-flyinggirlfriendandignoringthefactthatshewantedtochangealmosteverythingabouthim.Justlikeeverygirlfriendhe’dhadwhenwewereteenagers.Theylikedhisprettyfaceandhiseasysmile,buttherewasalwayssomethingthatneededfixing.Andhewasalltoohappytobewhotheywantedhimtobe.
AndIhadbeentheonlyonewhosawthegaffertapeandtearsholdinghimtogetherbehindthescenes.
God,goinghomewasn’tgoingtohelpwiththisatall;everypartofmyjourneywasstampedwithDylanmemories.Thestationwherewe’dspentageswaitingforthealways-delayedtrainsinandoutofLondon,goingtoseegigsatElectricBallroomorBarfly,drinkingpintsintheWorld’sEnd.
Iwalkeddownthehighstreet,wherewealwaysusedtogetourpick’n’mixbeforegoingtothecinemaoruptothepeakinthepark,lookingoutovereveryoneandmakingupstoriesaboutthem.Therewasourschoolandthepubwedrankinwhenwereachedeighteen(ornearenough)andtheturningforDylan’sroad.Iimaginedhisdadstilllivedthere,makingtheirhomeashrinetohiswife,refusingtochangeathing.She’dbeenonherwaytopickusupfromabirthdaypartywhenithappened.Shewasthere,andthensuddenlygone.
WhenIfinallymadeithome,Istoodoutsideforamoment,justlooking.Itwasabeautifulhouse,alwayshadbeen.Mama’slushgardeninthefront,thatmagnoliatreerightinthemiddle,obscuringthefullviewofthebuilding.Inthesummers,mygrandmotherusedtoputherlittlechairoutunderthattreeandwatchpeoplegoby.ItwassuchaMediterraneanthingtodo,butpeopleonthisstreetdidn’tmind.She’dbeouttheretenminutesandsomeonewouldofferherapplesfromtheirtree,orintroducetheirdog,oraskherwhereshewasfrominGreece.
Thishousewashome.AfterDadleft,wepaintedthewholethingbrightcolors.Dylanhadcomeoverwhilstwewerepattingpaintonthewallswithmyartpaintbrushesandslappedahandtohisforeheadincomedichorror,thenwentdowntothelittlehardwareshoponthehighstreet,returningwithtapeandrollersandproperbrushes.Hemadesurewediditproperly,evenifheletloosethatloudlaughattheshadeofbrightorangewechose.Hejustcouldn’tgetovertheideaofanorangelivingroom,likeitwasthestrangest,mostwonderfulthinghe’deverheard.Wepaintedandsang,andMamaorderedpizzaanddidn’tcryatallthatday.Ithadfeltlikeanewbeginning.
Iunlockedthefrontdoorandinhaledthesmellofincenseandfreshcoffeeandlaundrypowder.AsIwanderedthroughthehallway,Icouldhearmusicplaying—shehadsetuphertabletonthecounter,anditwasplayingtheirweddingvideo.Ifeltirritationclimbupmythroatlikeagecko,settlingin,readyforafight.
“Mama.”
Sheturnedaround,andofcourseshe’dbeencrying.
“Isthishelpful?”Igesturedatthetablet,andshewipedhereyes.
“Ijustwantedtoseemyparentsagainforalittlewhile.Lookatthemdancingtogether,sobeautiful.”
Itoccurredtomehowharditmustbetowatchyourmarriagefallapartwhenyourparentsweretheperfectexampleoflove.Whenthey’dlovedeachotherwithoutlimitation,unchanging,forhalfacentury.PoorMama,she’dwantedwhattheyhad,andshe’dendedupwithmybumofafather.
“Wine?”sheoffered,pouringmeaglassofproseccobeforeIhadthechancetoanswer.
Iblinked,acceptingit.“Isitaspecialdinner?We…we’renothavingguests,arewe?”
Dreadclutchedatmychest.Anothereveningofconvincingmymothershewaslovableanddeservingofgoodthings?Sure,Iwasusedtothat.Aneveningwheremyfathersatattheheadofthetableandaskedmequestionsasifheknewanythingaboutmylife?Noway.Evenaperfectdaughterhadlimits.
Mamashookherhead.“Ijustmissedyouryiayiatoday.Shewasafirmbelieverincocktailhour.Andthesunwasshining,soIthought,whynot?”
Shepouredherselfaglass,andweheldthemuptoeachother.
Mymotherscannedme,puttingahandtomycheek.“Youlookpale,darling,you’reworkingtoohard.”
Ishrugged.“It’sfine.”
“Youmeetanyonenice?”
Ihatedseeinghowshelitupwithhope.Mymotherwassucharomantic,evenafterallthistime.Allshewantedwasformetosettledownwithsomeone,toadoreandbeadored.IfeltlikeIwaslettingherdown.
“Imeetlotsofnicepeople,Mama.”Ismiledwidelyandsippedmydrink.
“YouknowImeananiceman,cheekygirl.”Sheturnedbacktothestove.
“No,I’mtoobusywithwork,youknowthat.”Ipaused,wonderingwhetherIshouldgiveanythingelseaway.SomehowIdidn’tthinktheFixerUpperwouldmakeherproud.Shewantedmeheadoverheels,stupidinlove.Andeventhethoughtofthatterrifiedme.I’dseenwhatithaddonetoher.“But…IdidseeDylanyesterday.”
Shegasped,entirelytoodramatically,andIimmediatelyregrettedtellingher
“DylanJames?LovelyDylan!It’sbeensolong!Howishe,what’shedoing?”PretendingIneverexisted,apparently.
Mymotherclappedherhandsindelight,andIfeltmymooddisintegrate.Sheneverknewwhywefellout.Iwastooembarrassedtotellher,toadmitthatIlovedaboywhodidn’tlovemeback.Likemother,likedaughter.
SoIletherthinkwe’djustlosttouch,thewaypeopledid.Nobiggie.Noheartbreak,noloss.
“Heworksincomputersandhe’sdatingacelebrity.YouknowthegirlfromthatrealityTVshow,theKittyLitterPrincess?”
Mamawrinkledhernose.“Withthebigmouth?Sheseemslikeaverysillywoman.Thatsaid,Dylandidn’talwayspickthesmartones.”
“Mama,I’mprettysurethat’santifeminist,”Isnorted.
“Butisitwrong?Idon’tthinkso.”Shethrewupherhands.“Somemenjustarethatway.Theywantaneasylife.Theywanttheirpartnertoalwaysbesmilesandeverything’sfineallthetime.Nothingreal.”
Icouldsensethedirectionthisconversationwasgoing,mymemoriesofthewaymyparentsusedtoscreamateachotherfirmlyinmymind.Howhewouldcheat,andMamawouldsmashplates,andthenadaylaterI’dfindthemcurleduptogetheronthesofaliketheperfectimageofmarriedlove.Igulpeddownthelastofmywineandheldmyglassupagain.
“It’sstillcocktailhour,right?”
Sheraisedaneyebrowatmebuttoppedupmyglass.WhenshereturnedtothesubjectofDylan,Isighed,relievedthatI’ddistractedherforalittlelonger.Atsomepointthisevening,weweregoingtotalkaboutDad,thesamewaywedidonmylunchbreaksandattheweekends.Themantookupalltheairintheroomevenwhenhewasn’tinit.AndIwassuchabrokenrecord,thewordswerestartingtowarpfromrepetition:
Youdeservebetter,he’snotgoodenough,thisisn’tlove,startover,youcandoit.
Mamasmiled.“IrememberDylanhelpinguspaint.WheneverIcleanthebookcaseandseethatsmudgeontheplugsocket,Ihearhimlookingatusinpanicandsaying,‘Oh,Mrs.Aresti,pleaseletmegogetsomeproperpaintbrushes,trustme.’Andhewasright!Ishegettingonwithhisdadokaynow?Istillseehiminthesupermarketsometimes.Sad,sadman.”
“Wedidn’t…itwasabusinessmeeting,wedidn’tgetachancetocatchupmuch.”
“Ibethe’sveryhandsomenow,isn’the?”Mamawiggledhereyebrows.“Youcouldtellhewasgoingtobeaheartbreaker.”
Ithoughtofthosebrightblueeyes,howthey’dlookedmeoveranddismissedmeimmediately.Howhishandsqueezedmineforasecondbeforeheletgo.
“Yeah,youcould,”Isaidsoftlyandwenttosetthetable.
Bythetimewefinallysatdowntoeat,we’drunthrougheveryothertopicofconversation,anditwasclearthatnoonewassickordying,andmymotherwasstillemployed.OurfamilyinCretewereokay,allofMama’sfriendswerehappy,andI’dhadafullrundownofthenext-doorneighbor’scat’ssurgery.WhichlefttheonepossibilityIhadexpectedallalong.
“AreyougoingtotellmewhyI’mherenow?Ican’tenjoymyfooduntilIcanstopworrying,”Isaid.
“You’reheretoseeyourmother,wholovesandmissesyou.Andtoeatgoodfoodanddrinkgoodwine.You’relookingalittlegaunt.I’llsendyouhomewithadoggybag.”Shewasrambling.
“Mama,comeon.”
Shetookabreath.“Yourfatherwantstosellthehouse.”
Ifrowned.“Ourhouse?Thishouse?Whatthehellhasitgottodowithhim?”
Shehalfshrugged.“Hestillownshalfofit,darling.”
Iclenchedmyfistsandthenreleasedthem.“Whynow?”
“He’sstrugglingfinancially,thethreekids…hewantstotakeastepbackatwork,spendsomemoretimewithhischildrenbeforetheygrowup.”
“Oh,howniceforthem.”IcouldfeelthebitternessfoamingoverlikeadisappointingpintandItriedtoreinitin.“You’redivorced,thisisyourhouse.Besides,didn’tyourparentsgiveyouthemoneyforthedepositasaweddingpresent?”
“Yes,butbothournamesarestillonthedeeds.”
“Hehasn’tpaidthemortgagefornearlytwentyyears!”
Mymotherclosedhereyes,tookabreath,andplacedahandonmine.“Now,Ididn’twantyoutogetupset.”
“Well,Iamupset!Youshouldbeupset!Themandestroysyourlifeandnowhewantsyourhome,too!”
Shetwitchedhermouth,attemptingtosmile.ButIdidn’twantsmiles,Iwantedhertogetmad.Iwantedhertoseethatthismanhadtakentoomuch.Butitneverendedwellforme,thatlineofinquiry.ItwasalwaysPoorAly,I’vemadeyousoangryandbitter,thismustbemyfault,I’mabadmother.SoI’dcomforther,andthenthatwasit,overanddonewithsohecouldcomearoundanotherdayandstartitalloveragain.
“Hecan’thavethishome.Thisisourhome.HecandownsizeormoveoutofLondonifhewantshisdemonspawntogrowupwithmorespace.”
Mamamadeaface.“They’reyoursiblings,darling.Andthey’reyoungerthanyou.Idon’tneedtoberattlingaroundthisbighouse.”
“Soyoujustwanttogivehimwhathewants,nomatterwhat?”Ithrewbacktheremainderofmywine,handsshakingwithanger.“Ifhecomestoyouaskingforakidneynextweek,areyougoingtogiveittohim,Mama?”
Shelookedatme,andIknewsheprobablywould.Shelovedhim,beyondallreasoning,despitewhattypeofmanhewas.Mymotherbelievedinhavingonetruelove,evenifitdidn’tgobothways,itseemed.
“Look,mydarling,legallyheownshalfofthishouse.Andwecansellitandsplitthemoney,orIcanbuyhimout.HesaidIcangivehimasmallerlumpsumforhimtosignoverthedeeds.Maybewe’lldothat.”
“Oh,howthoughtfulofhim.Howunderstanding.Andwherearewegoingtogetthatmoneyfrom?”
Itseemedthatshehadtheexactsamethoughtbecausesheshookherheadandpickedupherdrink.
“Dayslikethis,Imissmyparents.”Mamasighed.
Yiayiawouldn’tletthishappen.She’dbuildyouupandtearhimdownandscarethecrapoutofhim.Somaybethatneededtobemyrolenow.
“Letmetalktohim,”Isaid.
“No.”
“Mama,thisisridiculous.Hecan’tjustcomein—”
“Hecan,Alyssa.Legally.”
“No,notlegally.Yougotdivorced.Heagreedit’syours.”
“Weneverchangedthedeeds.Wewerealwaysgoingtocometoanarrangementwhenyouwereolder.”
Well,thatwasnewstome.AndconsideringI’dhadafront-rowseattothecarwreckthatwasmyparents’marriage,Iwasn’tjustsurprised—Iwaspissed
“Isitnotenoughyouworkedtoputhimthroughuniversity,thatyougaveupyourcareerforhis?Nowyouwanttogiveupyourhome,too?Youknowyoudon’tgetaprizeforbeingthemostselfless,right,Mama?”
“Itismymarriage,Alyssa,mine.”Shealmostgrowledatme,andIwantedtoshakeherandcryforherallatthesametime.
“It’snot,though,isit?It’snotyourmarriageanymore.”Istoodup,shakingmyhead.“Look,doyouwanttostayinthishouse,yesorno?”
“OfcourseI—”
“ThenI’llfindthemoney,”Isaid,takingmyplatetotheside,untouched.“TellhimI’lltakecareofit.”
Ihadalwaystakencareofit.Whenheusedtoleavefordaysatatime,andshe’djustlockherselfawayinbed,silentlystaringattheceiling,Itookcareofher.Iusheredherintotheshower,Imadeherteaandtoast.Iopenedthedustyrecipebookstotrytofigureouthowtomakeameal.Evennowjacketpotatoestastedlikelong,sadevenings.
Icouldfixthis.Icouldn’tfixthem,couldn’tpullherawayormakeherwakeup,butmoneywasn’tthehardestthingintheworld.
Thegallofit,though.I’dbeenthere,Iknewwhatitwaslikewhenmydadshonethatlightofapprovalonyou,whenhesmiledandcalledyouamarvel.ButI’dgrowntiredofpretendingthatfleetinginterestwaslove.Sheneverhad.
Isatcheckingmyaccountsonmyphoneonthetrainhome,wonderinghowmuchhe’daskfor.Thathousewaseasilyworthhalfamillion.Howmuchofalumpsumwouldgethimoffmyback,howmuchwouldmakehimleaveheraloneforgood?Mamawasanadministratoratthehospital;Iknewshe’dneverhadmuchinsavings.Ijustneedenoughformygardenandtothrowagooddinnerparty,that’swhatshe’dalwayssaid.AndI’dnagher,andshe’dtellmeshewasthemother,andwe’dlaughandleaveitatthat.
IhadalmosttwentygrandthatI’dsavedforadecade,hopingtoonedaygetmyownlittleflat,buteveryyearitbecamemoreimpossible,soIkeptsaving,keptworking,andtimepassed.IwoulduseitifIneededto.
IwantedMamatofight,Iwantedhertosay,No,ofcourseyoucan’tgiveyourfatheryourhard-earnedsavings,darling.Iwantedhertoputmefirst.Butshewouldn’t,shecouldn’t.Hestillalwayscamefirst,afterallthistime.Anotherfamily,anotherhome,anotherwife,andstillMamawaslikeadragonflystuckinamber.Itriednottoresentherforit.
Myfatherwouldgethisway.JustliketheHuntersoftheworld—gettingwhattheywantsoeasilytheywonderwhyeveryoneelsestrugglessomuch.JustlikeNicki,demandingpeoplefitinwithherexpectations.
IwonderedhowdifferentthatwastowhatIwasdoingwithTolaandEric.Manipulating,adjusting,adapting.NickiandHunterexpectedthebestfromotherpeoplerightaway.Ididn’texpectthebestofpeople,butIknewhowtoplantaseedandgrowpotential.Iknewhowtogetmyownway,itwasjustaslightlylongergame.
BythetimeIgotbacktomylittlestudio,Iwasreadytohaveagoodcryandalongbath.ButIhadonemorethingtodo.AndifIthoughtaboutitfortoolong,I’dlosemynerve.
IcalledNicki.
“Hello!Iwasn’tsureI’dbehearingfromyou.”
“Ahundredgrand,”Isaid,nopreamble.Nochanceformetochickenout.
Therewasnowayshe’dgoforit.Thatwasstupidmoney.IjustneededtotellmyselfI’dtriedeverything,doneeverythingIcould.
“What?”
Igrittedmyjawtohidethetrembleinmyvoice.
“Yousawhowhewaswithme,youknowhowdifficultthisisgoingtobe,andyouknowhowmuchyourTVshowanddressdealisgoingtobeworthtoyou.”
Nickipaused.“Whywashelikethat?I’veneverseenDylanberudetoanyonebefore.He’sthesweetestguyIknow.I’mnotevensureI’veseenhimgetproperlymad.”
Well,Icouldn’ttellthetruth.
“Imustremindhimofsomeonehedislikes.”Itriedtoshrugitoff.“Orhe’sunderintensepressurewiththispitchanddoesn’twanttoaccepthelp.Eitherway,it’sgoingtomakeitharder.What’sitworthtoyou?”
What’sheworthtoyou?
Silenceattheendoftheline.IwonderedifI’dpushedtoohard.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasmymother,sittinginadamplittleflat,callingupeverydaytoaskmewhyshe’dhadtosellherhome.Sittingandwaitingformyfathertovisit.Notsingingasshewateredherplants.Mymamawouldwiltwithouthergarden.
“Forthatyou’vegottoguaranteetheproposal,”Nickisaidsuddenly,andIwonderedifshe’dthoughtthiswashowitwouldgoallalong.“Otherwiseit’smeaningless.”Nicewaytotalkaboutyourrelationship.
AndthenIrealizedwhatshewassaying.Ahundredgrand.She’dagreedtoahundredgrand.Theanswertomyproblems
Ipaused,thinkingofallthoseyearsoffriendshipthatIwasbetraying.ButthenIvisualizedDylan’sfaceashesawmeagain,thatblanklookofdismissal.IthoughtofthosetextmessagesthattoldmeIwasalwaysjustahanger-on,aloser,apatheticgirlwholookedathimwithheartsinhereyes.Someonewhonevermeantanythingatall.
AndthenIthoughtofmymother’sface
“You’vegotadeal,”Isaid.EIGHT
“Yousaidyes.”Tolablinkedatme.“Withouteventalkingtous?”
“Therewereextenuatingcircumstances,”Isaid,pushingdownmyguiltasIclickedthekettleandgotoutourusualmugs.Shesatontheofficekitchencountereventhoughshe’dbeentoldnottohundredsoftimes.
Ericleanednexttoher,andtheysharedalook.ThatAly’sbeingweirdagainlook.
Ihatedthatlook.
“Whichare…?”
“Personal.”Iclosedthecupboardfirmlyandfocusedonspooningcoffee,measuringitcarefully.Anythingtoavoidlookingatthem.Tola’slime-greenfingernailstappedthecupboarddoor.
Ishouldhavebeenmorepreparedwithmyplan.IwastheFixerUpper,afterall;Ishouldbeabletousethissituationtomyadvantage.
ButifItoldthemaboutthemoney,IhadtotellthemaboutwhyIneededit.I’dhavetoexplainthatalltheenergyI’dspentonfixingmenwasnothingcomparedtothelifetimeI’dspenttryingtofixmyparents.Andthey’dlookatmeinthewaypeopledidwhenyouopenedupyourchestandletthemseeyourfragileheart—Oh,that’swhyyou’relikethis,ofcourse.
Onlyonepersonknewhowmyparentswere,andridiculously,thatwasDylan.He’dhelpedforgeapologynotes,calculate“accidental”meetings,cookdinnerwhenshewastoosadtoeat.He’dseenitall.AndnowifIcouldfixhim,Icouldfixthemforgood.
Ericlookedatme.“We’resureit’snotjustthatAlywantstogetbackattheboyshefanciedwhenshewasateenager?”
IraisedaneyebrowatTola.“Thanksforthat.”
“He’sourbusinesspartner!Hehadtoknowsomeofthesituation!”
Iputmyhandsdownonthecounterandpreparedmyselftoargue.
“Look,youwantedachallenge,right?Well,hereitis,rightbeforeus.Thebiggestchallengewecouldhaveaskedfor.Solet’sprovewe’rethebest.Thatwecandothis.”Itriedtorallygo,teamenthusiasm,buttheyknewitwasafront.
Theywerewaitingformore,andIpanicked.“Sheofferedusmoremoney.”Ipaused.“Twentygrand.”Isangthenumberjokily,tryingtoluretheminlikeIwasinmygingerbreadhousewavinglollipops,andhatingmyselfforthedeceit.“Splitthreeways?”
Ericletoutalowwhistle.“Nicechunkofchangethere…”
Helookedhopeful,butTolawasunconvinced.Shefrownedatme,narrowinghereyes.“Shedoubledheroffer.Andyou’reinterested?Yousaiditwasmanipulativeandridiculousand…kindofgross.It’syourfriend.”
“Myex-friend,”Icorrected.“Andsure,itfeelsalittle…ickyButthat’sjustbecauseofNicki’spersonality.Whenshecalledback,shewasmuchmorevulnerable.Isitreallysodifferentfromtheotherwomenwe’vehelpedcoaxproposalsfor?Tohowpeoplepretendtobecompletelydifferentforthefirstmonthofarelationshipuntilthatgoodbehaviorwearsoff?”Iargued.
“Yes,”Tolasaid,“absolutely.”
“Ofcourseitis,”Ericadded.Hetiltedhisheadinconcern.“What’sgoingonwithyou?”
Ishrugged,irritated,asIpouredthehotwaterandstirredeachdrinkmoreaggressivelythanIneededto.“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou.Ineedtodothis.Soifyoudon’twanttobeinvolved,that’sfine.ButI’min.”
Tolaclenchedherhandsinfrontofherfacelikeshewantedtostrangleme.“OneofthesedaysI’mgoingtocrackyourheadopenandseewhatthehellishappeninginthere.Becausesomethingisn’tright.”You’retellingme.
“Butwhatwithitbeingsuchahugetask,Icouldreallyuseyourhelpwiththis…”Itriedsmiling,wheedlingjustalittle,flutteringmyeyelashes.Makethemlaugh;aslongasIcouldmakethemlaughitwouldbefine.Ihandedthemtheircoffeecups,allinnocentandfullofhope.
“Oh,nowshebotherstoturnonthecharm.”Ericrolledhiseyes,takinghisrainbowmug,hisonenodtohissexualityintheoffice,whereeverythingelseremainedladjokesandbanter.
“Please?”Ipouted,wideningmyeyes,lookingbetweenthetwoofthem.“WearegoingtoturnDylanJamesintoherdreamboyfriendandprimehimforaproposal.Iknowhim,andwecanabsolutelydothis.”
“Ah,theoppositeofafairygodmother.Thatpoorguy.”
“Believeme,”Isaid,“Dylan’sapleaser,he’llappreciatethedirection.”
“Fromawomanhecouldn’tevenmakedirecteyecontactwith?”Tolaraisedaneyebrow.“Comeon,now.”
Ihadtoredirecther.Itwasn’taboutme.Itwasn’taboutDylan.ItwasaboutkeepingMama’shouse.Aboutnotlettingmyfatherwin,again.
“Youkeepsayingwe’rethinkingtoosmall,right?Solet’sthinkbig.Attheendofthisexperiment,we’llhaveagirlwithaTVdeal,aguywithasuccessfulcompany,andaproposalontheway!Wealreadyknowwecandoitwhenthestakesarelower.Let’sseehowfarwecantakethisthing!”
TolaandEriclookedateachother.Therewego.Theyknewthatwecoulddothis.TheyknewthatIhadn’tbeenfiredupaboutsomethingoutsideofworkinyears.Whilsttheyrantheirteam-meeting-bingobettingringandwenttoDisney-themedspinclasses,Iwashere,workinglate,provingmyworth.
AndnowIwasbeggingthemtotrysomethingriskywithme.
“Comeon.”Igrinned,wigglingmyeyebrows,myfinalattempt.“Aren’tyouatleastintriguedthatI’mtheonesuggestingwetakeachance?Me.Theresponsibleone.”
“That’swhatscaresme,”Tolasnorted,andhelduphercoffeecupinatoast,waitingforustoraiseourown.“Okay,babe,let’sworksomemagic.”
—
Thenextday,ItooktheafternoonofffromworkandstrodeintothereceptionofDylan’sofficespace,wearingmypowerjacketandmyfavoriteblackbootswiththemetalstudsalloverthem.Tolacalledthem“punkystegosaurus”andtheywereoneofthefewitemsofclothingofmineshedeemedinteresting.
IknewIhadtobreakhimdownquickly,beforehehadachancetosayno.Myhopewasthathewouldreallywanttopleasehisgirlfriend(truetoform)orthathe’dadmitthathereallydidneedthehelp(muchmoreunlikely).Thethirdoption,thatheactuallymightbecuriousenoughtowantmearound,didn’tevenmeritconsideration.
Hewasrentingapainfullymodernofficespacebytheriver,oneofthoseplaceswhereyoung,start-uphipsterstriedtoclawbackthefeesinfancycoffeeandfreepastries,whilstlookingoutoverthecityanddreamingofsuccess.Ithadenergy,anditwasn’tsurprisinghe’dchosenit.Dylanlovedthelookofthings.He’dalwayswantedthefancygymsandtheattractivebars.Hewantedthegoodlife.He’dfitinwithNicki’slifejustfine.
Ofcourse,hehadn’tbeenshallowwhenwewereteenagers,hewasjusthungryforexperiencesandplacesandpeople.Helivedinagrayhousewithaformersoldierwhowantedroutine,structure,anddiligence.TherewasnospaceforcolororfrivolityinDylan’shomelife.
IrememberedwhenwewereapplyingforouruniversitycoursesIaskedhimtodreamofhisfuturelife,andhesaid,“We’reeatingsteakandlobsterinasuper-fancyrestaurant,andIjustboughtafifty-quidbottleofwineandnoonethinkswe’reoutofplaceatall.”
“That’sit?”Ireplied,amused,butsecretlythrilledthatIwasinthisfuturehe’ddreamedup.“Money?”
Hewrinkledhisnose.“No.Fittingin.HavingadventuresTastingeverything!Moneyjustmakesthathappen.It’sgonnabegreat!”
Andnowhedidn’tevenneedmoneyforthat,hehadNicki.Maybemynudgeswouldbeagifttohim,offeringhimalifeoffittinginwithbeautifulpeopleinfabulousplaces.Alltheadventureshecouldaskfor.
WhenIexitedtheliftonthesecondfloor,ayoungguywithhorn-rimmedglassesandslicked-backblondhairwaswaitingforme,eyebrowsraised,readytoimpress.
“Hello,there!Apparentlyyou’rehereforEasterEggDevelopment!Werarelygetunexpectedvisitors!CanIhelp?”
“Well,Isurehopeso!”Ismiledatthegatekeeper.Ihadmypowershoesandmyorange-redlipstick.Iwasaforceofnature,andnoonewasgoingtostopme.“I’mheretoseeDylanJames.”
Theguyfrownedslightly.“Isthatright?”
Ibeamedathimandheldoutmyhand.Whenyoucan’tgetthemwithforce,getthemwithenthusiasm.
“I’mAly.I’mabusinessandbrandingconsultanthiredbyMissWetherington-Smythe.I’mheretohelpyouguysprepforthepresentationattheendofthemonth.”
Theman’sfacechangedimmediately,andhelookedsuddenlyyoung,reachingouttotakemyhandandshakingitvigorously.“Well,hallelujah.Weneedyou,desperately.I’mBen.”
“Apleasure.”Iwastakenabackbyhowquicklyhewarmedup.“YouworkwithMr.James?”
Henodded.“Iwasoneofthefirsttojointheteam.Dylan’sabrilliantideasmanandhewantsthebestforallofus,but…ifwedon’tgetthisinvestment,I’mgoingtohavetogobacktobartending,andhonestlyalltheboozeisterribleformyskin.”
Ifrownedathim.“You’reabartenderwho’sallergictobooze?”
“No,I’mabartenderwhohastodrinktodealwithhowstupiddrunkpeopleare.”Hegrinned,leadingmetowardtheoffice.
Maybethatwasmyin:ifhisteamwantedmearound,Dylan’dhavetokeepme,Iwassureofit.
“Ben”—Iputahandonhisarmtoslowhimdownbeforeweenteredtheroom—“Dylanisnotlikelytobehappytoseeme.HekindofrejectedmyserviceswhenNickiofferedbefore.How,inyoureyes,canIgethimtoacceptmyhelp?”
Bentookasecondtothinkaboutit.“Dyliseveryone’sbestfriend;he’lltakeyouradviceifhethinksit’llmakeyouhappytogiveit.”Benshrugged,andInodded.Thatsoundedaboutright.“ButIthinkdeepdownheknowsheneedshelp.Heknowsthatifwedon’tdothis,we’retoast.We’vealreadycomebackfromthedeadonce.Wejokethatwe’rephoenixes.”
“Phoenixes?”
Henodded.“Butourwingsareabitsingedrightnow,youknow?Can’ttakeanotherhousefire.Hell,can’teventakeanotherback-gardenbarbecue.”Hegrippedmyhandandlookedintomyeyes.“Iamveryrelievedyou’rehere.NormallyNicki’spushinessisunbearable,butthisisexactlywhatweneeded.Honestly,I’dsendheragiftbasket,butitwouldjustgetlostamongalltheotherfreecrapshegets.”
Ilaughed.ClearlyBenwasthepersonwhokneweverythinghere.
Asheturnedtowardtheoffice,hethrewalookoverhisshoulder,raisinganeyebrow.“Don’tlethimcharmyouintothinkingwedon’tneedhelp.”
“Believeme,hehasnointentionofcharmingme.”
Benfrowned,butshruggedandwalkedthroughthedoor,intoasmallroomwithacoupleofdesks.Thewallswerefloor-to-ceilingglasswithalovelyviewofacrispgrayLondonskyline,butsomethingdidn’taddup.Themotivationalpostersframedonthewalls,theexpensivewatchonDylan’swrist.Thenumberoffancycomputerswhentherewereonly
Theyweredressingupintheirdad’ssuitandpretendingthiswasarealbusiness.AndGodknewhowmuchthey’dspentonthisfacade.Oh,Dylan,whathaveyoudone?
Hesatwithhisbacktous,hunchedoveralaptop,whilstadark-hairedwomansatopposite,typingawayatspeed,headphonesonandapparentlycompletelyunbotheredbyhishuffing.
HewasatleastinjeansandaT-shirtthistime,soapparentlyhewasjustplaying“successfulbusinessman”forhisgirlfriend.Interesting.Icouldseethestressinthelineofhisshoulders.Panichadjuststartedtosetin,andIwasabouttotriggeranavalanche.Andasmallpartofme—atiny,insignificantsplinter—wantedtoseehimpanic,soIcouldbetheonewhohadalltheanswers.Justlikeoldtimes.Tryforgettingmenow,Dylan.
“Hey,Dyl,you’vegotaguest.”
Heturnedandforabeautifulmomenthisfaceshowedonlyshock,beforeitmorphedintodispleasure.
“Aly,”hestarted,frowningatmeashestood.
“Oh,youdoremember,”Isaidbrightly.“Iwasn’tsureI’dmadesuchagoodfirstimpressiontheothernight.”Youwantedtoplaythisgame,Dyl,you’vegotit.
Buthedidn’twanttoplay.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Ishrugged,walkingacrosstheroomtoputdownmybag.“Nickisaidyouneededhelp.Shehasacquiredmyservicesforyou.SoI’mheretohelp.”
Helaughed,sharpandunpleasant,ashecrossedhisarms,leaningbackagainstthetable.“Noway.”
IcaughtBen’sjawdropandwatchedasthewomanatthetablelookedbetweenus.Apparentlytheyhadn’tseentheirbossberudebefore.Icouldwellbelieveit.Whenhefoundouthismumhaddied,hewaiteduntilhewassafelyathome,withnoonetoseehim,tocry.Evenatthirteenhedidn’tgiveanythingaway.He’dletmesqueezehishandinthecarridehome,though.ButtheDylaninfrontofmewasn’tmyone-timeconfidant,hewasaproject.Onewhowasgoingtomakemylifeverydifficult.
“Soyou’rewillingtoriskyourchanceatinvestmentandmakelifeharderforyourselfbecause…youdon’twanttoaccepthelpfromyourgirlfriend?”Itiltedmyheadslightly,daringhimtobreakeyecontact.“Iwonderhowyourcolleaguesfeelaboutthat?”
“Youcan’tjustcomeinhereandstarttellingmewhattodo—it’snot…”It’snotlikewe’reatschoolanymore.Goon,sayit,Dylan.
“It’snotwhat,Mr.James?”Ismiledpolitely,daringhimtobreak.
“It’snotappropriate,MissAresti.”
Benlookedbetweenus,eyeswidening.Hesharedalookwiththewomanontheothersideofthetable,whohadtakenherheadphonesofftolistentotheconversationandseemedtobestrugglingtohideherlaughter.Sheranahandthroughhershoulder-lengthblackhair,untanglingitfromthesilverhoopsinherears,andthenfiddledwithhernoseringasshewatchedusboth.InotedthedelicateblackandwhitelinetattoosformingasleeveonherarmandhadthatbriefpangIsometimeshadwhereIdesperatelywantedtomakefriendswithsomeonewhoseemedoh-socool.
“ThisisPriya,”Bensaid,“ourotherteammember.”
Priyanoddedatme,thecurveofhermouthshiftingasifshefoundeverythingjustalittletooamusing.Ifeltlikeshewasrootingforme.
“It’sjustyouthree?”Iasked,confirmingmysuspicions.“Yourwebsite…”
“Needsupdating,”Bensaidquickly,andIwatchedastwoembarrassedredpatchesappearedonDylan’scheeks.He’dloststaffalongtheway.Afairfew,dependingonwhenthatwebsitewassetup.
Helookeddesperate,hisdarkhairmussedupandalmostfallingintohiseyesfromwherehe’dbeenrunninghisfingersthroughit.Therewasafewdays’shadowaroundhisjaw.Perfectlyundoneandinneedofsomeonetocomeandfixitallforhim.HetuggedattheneckofhiswhiteT-shirtlikeitwasstranglinghim.
“Look,eitheryou’rewillingtoaccepthelpfromanexpert,oryou’rewillingtojeopardizethelivelihoodsofyourteammembers.”Ishrugged,turningtowardthedoor.“I’llgogetmyselfacoffee.Comeandgetmewhenyou’vedecided.”
Itwasapowermove,butthebestwaytogetthedecisionyouwantedfromsomeonewastogivethemthetoolstomakeit.Dylandidn’twantNicki’shelp.Hecertainlydidn’twantmyhelp.Butdidhehatememorethanhelovedhiscompany?Ihadtohopenot.
IcaughtBen’simpressedlook,likehewaspleasantlysurprised,asIturnedaroundandwalkedout,sothatwassomething.He’dfightforme,atleast.
Ispentalittletimefiddlingwiththefancycoffeemachineinthelobby,lookingoutattheviewofthecity.IcheckedmyemailsandsawanotherrequestfromHunter.ThenanemailfromFelix,notingmyholidayrequesthadbeenapproved,butaskingifIwasallright.Iusuallyhadtobeforcedtotakemyholiday,sonowonderhewasshocked.Butattheendofthatemailinquiringaftermywell-being,therewasaline:We’llbediscussinginternalcandidatesfortheheadofbranddevelopmentroleshortly—makesureyou’reshowingyourdedication.
Ifeltawaveofpanicandtookadeepbreath,closingmyeyes.WhenIopenedthem,Dylanwasstandinginfrontofme,glowering.He’dattemptedtopushhishairintoplace,andhestoodramrodstraightlikeherefusedtobeintimidated.Thatsilverchainwasvisibleathisthroat,theSt.ChristopherpendantcreatingaclearindentationunderhisT-shirt.Ilookedaway,asifevenacknowledgingitwouldgivehimsomesortofpower.Ifocusedonsippingmycoffee,lookingoutattheview,andwaitedforhimtosaysomething.
“Haven’tevenhiredyou,andyou’resleepingonthejob?”
Ismiledmysharksmile.“Well,whenyou’vegottowaitanageforsomeonetomakeasensibledecision…yougetsleepy.”
Herolledhiseyesupward,asifaskingforstrength,andeventhatwassofamiliarIfeltsomethinginmychesttugalittle.
“IguessyouknowwhatI’mheretosay?”hesaid,likeafifteen-year-oldwheeledouttoagreat-aunttosaythankyoufortheirbirthdaypresents.
“Well,you’reintelligentandyoucareaboutyourteam,soIthinkIdo.”Inoddedandstoodup.“Shallwegetstarted?”
“Wait.”Hetappedmyelbowbrieflytostopme.“Ijustneedtoknowwhyyou’redoingthis.”
Icreasedmybrowinmockconfusionandshrugged,smilingathim.“Idon’tknowwhatyoumean,Mr.James.It’sjustajob.Nickihiredme,andIthinkIcanhelp.That’sit.”
Helookedatmewithsuspicion,tracingallmyfeaturesforanysignofalie.Ijuststoodandlookedathimwhilsthewatchedme.
“Idon’tcarethatNickihiredyou,”hesaidsuddenly.“Ifyou’reworkingforme,you’reworkingforme.”
“I’dprefertothinkofitasworkingwithyou.”
“Whateverhelpsyousleepatnight,”hesaidandwalkedoff,pausingbythedoor.“Youcoming,ordoyouneedafewmomentsforyourgrandentrance,Owisebusinesssage?”
Oh,well,wasn’tthisgoingtobejustfantastic?
—
AslongasIwasn’ttalkingtoDylan,lookingatDylan,orlisteningtoDylan,itwasabsolutelyfine.Benwasadream,fullofideas,support,andcontext,andPriyawaswryandquickandhadnotimeforbullshit.Ioftenfoundthatwithwomeninmale-dominatedindustries.She’dprobablyhadtoworktwiceashardtogetwhereshewas,andshewasn’tgoingtobeignored.Butonthebalance,shehadakid,sosheworkedherhoursandshewenthome.Shewasn’tgettingpulledintoanythingbyanyone’sego.Iwasshockedbyhowimpressiveherboundarieswere.Maybethatwashowyougottohaveafamilyandakid,bymakingthatspaceforthem.Iwantedtobeher.
“Okay,sopitchmetheapp,”Isaid,handssplayed,leaningbackinthechair.
“What,liketheofficialpresentation?”Bensaid,frowning.“Wehaven’treally…”
“No.”Ismiled.“Just…tellmewhatyoumadeandwhyit’simportant.”
Dylantookabreath,andIheldupahand.“Withoutanyofthetechstuff.”
Hehuffedatme.“Brilliant,atechnologicallyilliteratebusinessexpert.Justwhatweneed.”
BenandPriyasharedaconcernedlook,asiftheirhappy-go-luckybosshadbeentakenoverbyanogre.
“Actually,Ispecializeindigital,butthat’sirrelevant.Focusonwhattheappdoesandwhyitmatters,howitwillimpactpeople.Thecodemaybereallyclever,butitdoesn’tmatteriftheappdoesn’tconnectwithanaudience.”
“Yeah.”Priyanodded.“Onlyothernerdscareabouthowcleanthecodeis.WhichiswhymyhusbandbegsmetoshutupwhenItalkaboutit.”
“Notanerd?”Iasked,andshemadeafaceandhalfshrugged.
“Accountant.”
“Ah,differentstrainofnerd.Gotcha,”Iquipped,andPriyalaughed.
“Ifyou’renottakingthisseriously,MissAresti,thenIthinkit’sawasteofeverybody’stime,”Dylansaidroughly,andIcouldn’thelpit.Ilookedathim,tryingtobeallseriouswhenmostofourchildhoodhe’dbetheonedisruptinglessons,tryingtobunkoff,findingwaystogettheteacherlaughingsowecouldn’tbegivenhomework.Hislipswereathinlineandhisbrowwasfurrowed,andIjustcouldn’thelpit.
Iburstoutlaughing.
“Really?”heasked,crossinghisarmsasIgaspedforbreath,tryingtosuppressmygiggles.
PriyaandBenlookedateachotheragain.
“Hey,Dyl,canIgrabyouforaminute?”Benasked,tiltinghisheadtooutsidetheroom.Iimaginedhewasgoingtoaskhisbosswhythehellhewasactinglikesuchanarseholetotheniceladyofferingthefreebusinesssupport.Itwouldservehimright.
Priyawaitedformetostoplaughingandpushedaglassofwateracrossthetable.
“Thanks,”Isaid,gulpingitdown.“Sorry,don’tknowwhathappenedthere.”
“Iimagineyou’renotusuallyberatedforbeingfriendly,”Priyasaid.“AreyoufriendswithNicolette?”
Ishookmyhead.“Sheapproachedusforsomeotherwork,butmentionedDylanandwantedtosupporthim.Shesaidthestart-up’sbeenabitslowat…startingup?”
Priyanoddedslowly,asifwonderinghowmuchtoreveal.“Ihaven’tbeenhereaslongasBenhas,but…Dylanlikesthingstobeperfect.Hedoesn’twanttorushaheadandmisshisshot.But,youknow,untilwegettheinvestment,we’renotgettingpaid,so…”
Iblinked.“You’renotgettingpaid?”
“Weworkinfour-to-six-monthsprints,usually,”shereplied,tappinghernoseringlikeshewasguiltyforrevealingtoomuch.“Thenwegogetshort-termcontractswithothercompaniesforafewmonths,saveupenough,thencomeback.We’vebeendoingthatforthreeyears.”
“Isn’tthatexhausting?”
Shelaughed.“Yes!Andwhenyou’vegotakidandyou’vegottasendhertonurserytoaffordcomingtowork…butIbelieveinwhatwe’redoing.Andapartfromtoday,whenhe’sbeingsuperweird,IbelieveinDylan.He’saproblemsolver,aneternal-pain-in-the-arseoptimist.Butdoesn’tdopressurewell.”
Don’tyoufinditexhausting?I’daskedhimonce.Beingthelifeoftheparty,beingMr.Perfect?
Ifyou’regonnabethelifeofsomething,mightaswellbetheparty.He’dshrugged,withthatperfect,affectedgrinthatworkedonallthegirls.
Somethingsdidn’tchange.
“Thishasbeenreallyhelpful,”IsaidasImadeafewnotes,andPriyalookedconcerned.Ishookmyhead.“Don’tlookworried,it’sjustNickigavemenoinformationbeyondappdevelopmentandameetingattheendofthemonth.”
“DidshewarnyouDylanwasgoingtobelikethat?”
Ipressedmylipstogether,tryingtofindtherightwaytophraseit.“Ianticipatedsomeresistance.ButI’mlikeapitbull,I’llbefine.”
ShelookedouttothecorridorwhereBenwasclearlygivingDylananabsoluteearful.Hisfacewasred,andhewaspointingandgesturingandtappinghistoe.Itwassatisfying.
Whentheyreturnedfiveminuteslater,Dylansatdownagainandgesturedtowardme.
“I’msorryifI’vebeenabit…short.Obviouslywe’reunderalotofpressureatthemoment,andIwasn’texpectingyoutoday.I’dbegratefulforyourfeedback.”
Hisvoicewassincere,butwhenImethiseyestherewasachallengethere.“Foraslongasyou’rewillingtogiveit.”
IsimplysmiledasifIboughtwhathewassayingandsplayedmyhands.“Okaythen,let’sfixyourightup.”NINE
Suddenly,mylifewasincrediblyfull.Orrather,incrediblybusy.Therewasnotimetobetheshouldertocryonatworkortheproblemsolvertomymum.TherewerenothirdThursdaysoutforfancydinnersandpersonalgrowth.Therewaswork,andwhentherewasn’twork,therewasDylan,withPriyaandBenrunninginterferencetryingtokeepthingsfriendly,orattheveryleastcivil.
TolahadwantedustocontinuedoingourotherFixerUpperactivities.Afterall,we’dbeenbookedinformonthsinadvance,butshewastakingtheleadonthatsoIcouldfocusonNickiandDylan.
“I’mnotasgoodatpretendingtobesomeoneelse,”shesaid,sighingonthephonetomeonaWednesdayevening,asIfoldedmylaundryandwonderedwhethertobuyanotherdehumidifierforthepeelingpaintonthewalls.God,Ihatedmyflat.
“That’sbecauseyou’resoexcellentatbeingyou,”Ireplied,mobileinthecrookofmyneck.WatchingTolatrytowearnudemakeupanddressconventionallywasalmostheartbreaking.Itwaslikeallthelifewassuckedoutofher.
“Well,hopefullythingswillcalmdownsoon.They’vebeeneasyplays,anyway.Morecareermotivationandmorethoughtfulness.Thelastonewassupereasy.Thewifesentabottleofchampers—I’llkeepittosharewithyou.”
Ilaughed,givinguponthelaundryandheadingovertomykitchenette,fillingapanwithwater,andsettingitontoboil.I’dbeeninmylittlestudioforyearsnow,andIknewIwasluckybecauseitwasraretobeabletoaffordtolivealoneinLondon.Butstill,themoreIthoughtaboutJasonandallthoseexeswiththeirhousesandspouses,thelowerIfeltwhenIcamehomeeveryday.TheArtexceilingsandlackofnaturallightweretheworstfeatures,alongwiththedamp.I’dtriedtomakeithomey:abrightsquashybluesofa,withyellowcushions,amulticoloredtapestryI’dfoundinacharityshopthathidthebigcrackalongthebackwall.
Butitwasonlymeanttobetemporary,andthat’showitfelt.Ihadn’tmadeahome,I’dmadeaplacetosleepinbetweenworkdays.Igotmysinglewineglassoutofthecupboardandnarrowedmyeyes.Iwasthirty-three,andIwasstilllivinglikeastudent.Andnotinthefunway.
Tola’svoicepulledmefrommyirritation.
“Andhow’sthingswiththeBoyWonder?Wereyouterrorizedtoday?”
“IsentanemailwithcreativetemplatesforpresentationsandsomeresearchIdidonthefirmthey’repitchingto,”Isaidlightly.“Dylansentanemailthatsaidthanks,soIguessthat’sawin.”
“Whatdidtheemailactuallysay?”sheprobed,andIlaughed.
“Literallyjusttheword‘thanks,’nogreeting,nosign-off.Nofullstop.”
“Manknowshowtoholdagrudge,apparently.Hestillpretendinghedoesn’tknowyou?”
“Yep.I’vegotafulldaywiththemdayaftertomorrow,soIguesswe’llseehowwellthatholdsup.Felixispissedaboutmytimeoff.Saysitcouldaffectmychancesofthepromotion.”
Icouldalmosthearherfrown.“I’mprettysurethat’sillegal,babe.I’llhaveachatwithIreneinHR;she’spartialtoacaramelmacchiatoandabitofofficegoss.Butapartfromthat,theworkitselfisgoingokay?”
“Youknow,”Isaid,almostincredulous,“it’sshockinglyeasytoprepthemforthepresentation.I’mlovingit.Isthatbad?AmI,like,someevil,power-madmastermanipulatororsomething?”
“You’vegotyearsofexperienceinahigh-pressureenvironment,youpracticallyrunthisplacewithoutgettinganyofthecredit,andyoustilldealwithHunter’sbullshitwithasmileonyourface,”Tolasaid,beforepausingdramatically.“Soobviously,you’reapsychopath.”
Isnorted.“GoodthingI’vegotyoutokeepmegrounded.”
“Youkidding?You’reagoddessinmyeyes,allhailAly,queenofthelonggame.WewillbetoastingyourpromotionandHunter’sdemisebytheendofthemonth.”
“Ifthereisanyjusticeintheworld.”Isighed,suddenlyunsure.“Theylikehim.”
“They’reidiots.Youareaballbusterandago-getterandwhateverotherstupidshittheysayaboutambitiouswomen.Ifbeingpaidtoturnyourex–bestfriendintoaproposalKendollforasocialmediasocialitewaswhatittookforyoutofinallyrecognizeyou’reagoddess,I’monboard.”
Tolawasaone-womancheersquad.ShewasalsosensitivetocaffeineandIcouldtellithadclearlybeena“threeRedBulls”sortofday.
Isnorted.“Okay,well,thankyouforthesupport.Let’sseehowthenextmeetinggoes.Dylanmightpushmeovertheedge.Eitherfigurativelyorliterallyoffthebuilding,thewaythesecallshavebeengoing.”
“Callmeifyouneedbackup,”shesaidseriously,thenpaused.“Butnottonight,becauseIamgoingdancing,andI’mgonnapullsomeonefitwhowon’tremembermynameinthemorning.JustthewayIlikeit.”
Ilaughed,andwesaidourgood-byes.Iconsideredpouringmyselfaglassofwineinmysadsingleglass.God,justgoingouttodanceandkisssomeonebecauseyouwantedto.Whatwouldthatevenfeellike?
IneededtobemorelikeTola,eveniftonightthatjustmeanteatingtwicetherecommendedportionofpasta,simplybecauseIwantedto.JustasIstartedcrawlingthroughmycupboardsinsearchofcarbohydrates,myphonerang.AnumberIdidn’tknowalwaysmademenervous.
“Hello?”
“Doyoualwaysansweryourphonelikeanaxmurderermightbeontheotherend?”amalevoiceasked,andIstruggledtoplaceit,heartsuddenlyracing.
“Whoisthis?”
“It’sBen!FromEasterEggDevelopment?GoodtoknowImadeanimpression.”
“Hi,sorry!Ijustwasn’texpectingacall!”Iwentintoproblem-solvingmode.“Iseverythingokay?We’restillbookedinforoursessionthisweek?”
“Yeah,that’skindofwhatIwascallingabout.Ithoughtitmightbegoodifwegottogetheranddidsomeprepbeforehand.Maybetonight?Withsomereallytoxiccocktails?”
Oh.Thatwasunexpected.
“Um,Ben,thatreallysoundslovely,butI’mnotsureitwouldbeprofessional—”
Heburstoutlaughing.“Ohgod,no,thatwasn’t—”
“Oh,sorry,Ididn’tmeanto—”Icouldfeelmywholebodyeruptingintoablush,andIcringed.DamnTolaandherpeptalks.
“Aly,”Bencutin,“youareabeautifulandinterestingwoman,andwereIevertostraytothedarkside,itwouldbeanhonor.ButIlikemen.ThiswasmoreofadastardlyschemeformetogiveyousomeofthatimportantinformationthatIdon’tthinkDylan’sgoingtomention.”
“Tonight?”
“Haveyougotplans?”heasked,andIlookedatmysaucepanofboilingwateronthestove,visualizedeatingaloneatthebreakfastbaragain.
“Couldtherebesomefoodincludedinthesedrinksplans?”Iaskedandheardhimchuckle.
“Mykindagal.Meetyouatseven.”
—
Itisterriblyimportanttomakefriendswithpeoplewhoknowthebestplacesinthecity,anditwasclearstraightawaythatBenwasoneofthosepeople.LaBambawashiddendownthebackstreetsfromEmbankment,acuteMexicanaffair,withoutdoorseatingandbulbsstrungacrossthecourtyard.Awarmbreezepromisedsummerwasontheway,andhestoodupfromthetablewhenIarrived.
“Ialwaysthinktapasisthefriendliestwaytoeatwhilstyou’redrinking,”hesaidingreetingandkissedmeonbothcheeks.“Whatdoyouthink?”
Twohugemargaritasarrivedatthetable,andIhalfclosedmyeyesasIsippedatmine—perfect.
“Ithinkyou’reintherunningformynewfavoriteperson.Thankyouforthis,definitelybeatsmysadbowlofpastainfrontofoldFriendsreruns.”
“Hey,sometimesthosenightscanbegood,too.”Heraisedhisdrinkandclinkeditagainstmine.“Downtimeisimportant.Mostpeopleneverfigureouthowtobeontheirown,sowhenthey’reinacouplethat’salltheyare.”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“AreyoutalkingaboutDylan?”
“Howeverdidyouguess?”Hesnorted,pretendingtobelookingatthemenu.“I’vebeenwithhimawhile,andbeforeNickiitwasDelilah,andbeforeDelilahitwasNadia,andbeforethat…”
“Okay,Igetthepicture.”Ifrowned,wonderingwhythatmademystomachhurtalittle.
“Hejustdoesn’tknowhowtobebyhimself.Heattacheshimselftowomenwholookathimandsee…Idon’tknow,nothim,but…”
“Theyseepotential,”Isaidsadly.Oh,youhavenoidea.“I’vebeentheremyself.”
“Onwhichside?”
“Both.”Itriedtosmile.“It’sapowerfuldrug.”
“That’swhyIdon’tdatecasually.”
Ilaughed.“Thenhowdoyougettodateseriously?”
“Itakemytimeandpicktherightperson.I’vegotmylifealmostexactlyhowIwantit.I’vegotmylovelyflatandamazingfriends.Withyourhelp,mysometimesgreatjobisabouttobecomeabsolutelyfantasticallthedamntime.I’vegotmypuppyandmypotteryclass,andI’vefinallyfoundaneyecreamI’mhappywith.”Benwinkedandtuckedastrandofhairbackintoplace.“Ineedtofindapersonwhocomplementsthat.Someonewhowantstobeapartofit.”
“YousoundlikemyfriendTola.Butasbrilliantasthatsounds,allself-loveandself-worth,I’vegottawonder,doyouevermeetanyone?Doesanyoneeverseemworthbringinghome?”
Benlaughedandmadeaface.“No,notreally.”
Talkturnedtothemenuandweordered,withBenchattingtothewaitressandchoosingthewinetofollowourtoo-soon-finishedcocktails.Itwasnicetobetakencareof.
“Sowhat’syourfirstimpressionofDylan?”
Treadcarefully,Aly.
“Heisclearlysomeonewhocaresabouthiscompanyandhisteam.Andhe’sproudandwantstoprotectwhathe’sbuilt.Andmaybehedoesn’twantsomeonehisgirlfriendhiredmessingaroundinhisbusiness.Orknowingthathe’snotquitethebigsuccessstoryhe’sletherthinkheis…?”Iraisedmyvoiceinaquestion,butBenfoughtasmileandlookedaway,coy.“Icangetthat.Wewantthepeoplewelovetobeimpressedbyus.ButIalsothinkhe’sscared.”
Benpickedatthetortillachipsonthetable,munchingonethoughtfully.“Nicki’sneverreallygottenwhatwe’reabout.Sheseeseverythingasanopportunityforeithermoneyorrecognition.Buttheappisaboutconnectingteenswithmentalhealthsupportinavarietyofformats.It’saboutdoingsomethinggood.Sure,wewanttogetpaid,sowecankeepmakingstuff,butwedidn’tgetintothistogetrichandfamous.ButthelongerDylan’saroundher…”
“Heforgets?”Ioffered,andBenshookhishead.
“No,it’snotthat,hejust…hetieshimselfupinknotstryingtomakeitseemlikehe’sexactlywhatshewants.”
Apparently,he’snotdoingagoodenoughjob.
“Howdoyoumean?”
Bencringed,andIalmostfeltbadwatchingthewarwageacrosshisfeatures.Washebetrayinghisfriendtoanearstranger,orhelpingtheirbusinessgetthesupportitneeded?
“Itwasn’ttoobadwiththeothers,”hestarted,swirlinghiswinearoundhisglass.“Theywerenormal.Hewasperfectwiththeirparents,sentflowersfornoreason.Itwaslikehe’dbeengivenausermanual,butthetruthis,Dylanjustlikesmakingpeoplehappy.Andobviously,eventuallyhecouldn’tkeepitup,orthey’dpushformore,orhe’dhaveabaddayandtheydidn’tknowhowtodealwithit,andthenthecyclewouldstartagain.
“ButNicki,withherfamily,herupbringing,herinfluencerlifestyle?Thefifty-quidflowersweren’tgoingtoimpresssomeonelikeNicki.Sothingsgotmoreexpensive,holidayswentoncreditcards,andsuddenlywemovedfromourbasicbasementofficetoaswankyplacebytheriverandhe’swearingdesignersuitsandtalkingaboutbeinga‘techentrepreneur.’?”
Iwinced.“He’sindebt.”
Benlookeddownatthetable.“Ithinkso.I’mjustworriedabouthim.Theguy’sbeenmyfriendforyears,andI’mworriedhe’slosinghimself.Untilyouturnedup,I’dneverseenhimsnapatanyone,ever.”
“I…clearlybringupsomestuffforhim,”Isaid.Understatementofthedecade.“Andthat’sokay,Icanhandleit.”
Bennoddedandtappedthetableagain.
“Wasthatwhatyouwantedtotellme?Aboutthepeoplepleasingandthedebt?”
Benlookedguilty,raisinghiseyestothesky.“Nope,I’mjustgivingupsecretsleft,right,andcenterthisevening.Whatagoodfriend.”
“Hey,”Isaid,gettinghisattention,“youseemlikeagreatfriend,onewhowantstolookoutforhismateandhisbusiness.It’syourlivelihood,too,afterall.Whateveryousaywillbekeptincompleteconfidence.”
“Hewon’twantmetellingyou.”
“Isitgoingtomakeadifferencetohowyouapproachthebigbusinessdeal?”
“ItmightexplainDylan’s…hesitance?”Benpaused.“Andattitude.”
Igesturedforhimtocontinue,andthenrestedmychinonmyhandasIsippedmyredwine,givingBenmyfullattention.
“Intheearlydays,EasterEggwasDylanandoneotherguy,Peter.PetergotDylanintocoding,helpedtrainhimup.Dylhadthisideaforanapp,somethinghe’dbeenfiddlingwithsincehedroppedoutofuni—”
“Droppedoutofuni?!”Iyelped,thenwinced.“Sorry,thatsoundedjudgmental.Justsurprising.”
I’dspentmonthshelpinghimchoosewheretogo,whattostudy.Whenhegothisacceptance,he’dgrabbedmeroundthewaistandspunmeroundintheschoollibrary,yellingincelebration.Eventhelibrarianhadsmiled,despitethenoise.He’dbeensoexcitedforhisfuture.
Andhehadn’tevenstuckitout?
“Hesaidhelastedafewweeks,buthisheartwasn’tinit.Heendedupmovingtoaflatshare,livingoffhisloan,andvolunteeringatthelibrarytoteacholdpeoplehowtousecomputers.Iimaginehewasprettygoodatit,he’squitepatient.Mostofthetime.Withmostpeople.”
“Icanseethat,”Isaidpolitely.“Sowhathappened?”
“HeandPeterstartedworkingonthisapp,andIjoinedthemsoonafter.ItwascalledHomeSafe.Itwasawayforparentstostayconnectedtotheirkids,tracktheirphonesbutwithpermission.Itwouldn’tshowyouexactlywheretheywere,butitwouldgiveyouanapproximationandpingoffregisteredsafespaces.Likeafriend’sorarelative’s.”
“Cool,”Isaid,immediatelythinkingofpromotions.Icouldsellsomethinglikethat,noproblem.
“Yeah,Dylanwassuperpassionateaboutit.Hesaiditwassomethingfromhisschooldaysthatpromptedtheidea.Somethingaboutcallingafriend’smumwhenshegottoodrunk,theshameandembarrassmentofit.Thefearinthemother’svoice.Hedidn’twantparentstohavetoworryanymore.Hehadthisideathatifparentscouldseewheretheirkidswere,safeattheparty,orstillwithintheschoolgates,maybetheywouldn’trushtopickthemupinapanic.Itwouldbesaferforeveryone.”
Myheartclenchedalittleatthat.IwonderedifheknewaboutDylan’smother’saccident.Probablynot.Andthatmotheroutofhermindwithworrywhenherdaughterdidn’tcomehome?Thatwasmymama.DylanhadbeenrightingwrongsafterI’ddisappeared.
“That’s…that’sbrilliant,”Isaidsoftly.“Itsoundslikeawonderfulidea.”
“Itwas,andtheappwassogood,”Bensaid.“Wewerekillingit,honestly.Wewereallinourtwenties,fullofenergy,pullingall-nighters.Livingonenergydrinksandfrozenpizzas.Wewantedthisthingtobethebestitcouldbe,Dylanmostofall.
“Wetookonmoredevelopers,anditreallyfeltlikewewereontoawinner,youknow?Itwaslikewhenyou’reateenager,hangingoutwithyourfriendsandlaughingandcreatingsomething.Havingfun.”
Hepaused,asiftryingtofigureouthowtotelltherestofthestorywithoutgettinganyoneintrouble.
“Sowhatwentwrong?”
“Peterwasreallydesperateforustoproperlypitchtheapp.Orevenjustgetituponthestoreandchargeforit,makechangesaswewent.ButDylanwantedittobeperfect.Everytimewegotclosetobeingready,he’dfindsomethingelsetoworkonorwanttoaddanotherfeature.Hewasjustneverreadytoletitgo.”
Benshookhishead.“Wewereallexhausted,stressed,nomoneycomingin.HeandPeterhadthishugeargumentandtheypartedways.Afewoftheotherdeveloperswentwithhim,tiredofworkingandneverseeinganythingcomeofit.AndabouttwoweekslaterwerealizedPeterhadgoneandsoldtheapptooneofthebiggerdevelopers.Gothimselfajoboutofit,too.”
“Didyouguyssuehimforbreachofcontract,intellectualrights?Copyright?Noncompete?”Iasked,thinking,Oh,poorDylan.
“Wewouldhave…ifwe’dhadcontractsoranythingofficial.Therewasnothingtostophim.Whoeverhadn’tleftatthatpointquit.Therewasnomoney,noproject,andnohope.ItwasjustmeandDylatthatpoint.”
“Whydidn’tyouleave,too?”Iasked.“Clearlyyou’retalented.Yougotscrewedover.”
“WegotscrewedbecauseDylancaredtoomuchandtrustedtoomuch.”Benshrugged.“I’dratherworkforsomeonelikethatthansomeonewho’dusemewithoutasecondthought.Hemadeamistake,buthedeservedmyloyalty.SoIwentbacktobartending,andhewentbacktoworkinginconstructionduringtheday,andafewmonthslaterweturnedupagainandstartedpitchingideas.Startingfromscratch.That’swheretheteenagementalhealthappcamefrom.”
“Icanseewhyyouwantedmetoknow,”Isaid,tappingtherimofmyglass.
“Hemaypretendeverything’sallright,butthat’sbecausehecan’taffordtobeseenasafailure.Hecan’taffordtoletbeingafraidstophimfrommakingthiswork.AndIdon’tthinkhewill…”Bensaid,buttrailedoff,hiseyessofteningslightly.
“But?”
Benlookedtorn,takingamomenttocleanhisglassesonthebottomofhisshirt,andthentakingahugebiteofthelasttaquitosohedidn’thavetotalk,focusingonchewing.Thepoorguylookedmiserable.Iwaited.
“TheNickithingworriesme.He’ssobusyplayingMr.Businessman,heforgetstomakethechoicesthatdon’tlookgood.Theboring,unsexystuff.Wedidn’tneedtobeinthatoffice.Wecouldupdateourwebsitesowedon’tlooklikeahugecompany.Hecouldstopwalkingaroundwithasmileonhisfacelikehehasn’tgotaworryintheworld.Heneedstobehonest.”
“Sometimesyouneedthatsmokeandmirrorswhenyou’remakingadeal.Makethemthinkyou’reabiggerfish,getabiggerpayday?”
Benshrugged.“Iguess.”
Ifrowned,tryingtofigureitout.“Ishetryingtobuildanonlinebrand,likeNicki?Influencerstuff?”
“No,atleastthatwouldbeuseful!”Benexclaimed,thenlaughedathimself.“Hecompletelytakesabackseatwhenitcomestoherlife.Likehe’safraidofthelimelight.”
“Helovesher,right?”IaskedbeforeIcouldstopmyself,andthennoticedBen’sraisedeyebrow.
“Why?”
“Because…alotofmenwouldfindithelpfultohaveafamousgirlfriendwhenthey’repitchingforthedealoftheircareer.”Switchitaround,takethepressureoffyou.
“He’snotlikethat,hedoesn’tusepeople.He’sagoodman.Iknowyouhaven’tseenmuchofthat…”
“I’veseenenough.”Ismiledandpattedhishand.“IfIjudgedeverymanonhowhereactedwhenIcameintopointouthisflaws,I’dneverdateanyone.”Well,thatjokewasalittletooclosetothebone.“Tellme:youguysallhavecontractsnow,right?”Icrossedmyfingersandsmiledwidely,hopingtodistracthim.
“Wedo.”
Iexhaled.“Good.”
“ButonlybecauseIwrotethemandmeandPriyasignedthem.Dyldoesn’thaveone.”Soclose.
“Whythehellnot?”
“Hesayshetrustsus.”
“Sohewantstoplaythepartwithouthavinganysemblanceofarealbusiness?”Iputmyheadinmyhands.“Ben,I’mgladwedidthis,don’tgetmewrong,butyou’reruiningmylife.”
Orrather,Dylanis.
Iliftedmyhead.“Realtalk—isthereanythingelseyouthinkIneedtoknow,aboutthissituation,aboutNicki,aboutDylan?”
“Justthat…well,he’sareallygoodguy.Iknowhe’snotactinglikeitrightnow,butIpromiseyou,hereallyis.”
“Iknow,”Isaidgently,pattinghishand.“Andbelieveme,Iamjustasmotivatedasheisthatthisworksout.Maybemoreso.”
Benheldhisglassupinacheerstomydedicationandtooursuccess.Tobeingphoenixes,singedwingsandall.TEN
ForeveryproblemIsolvedatEasterEgg,everymomentIfeltlikeawinner,therewasalwaysDylanglaringatmeacrossaconferenceroomtobringmebacktoearth.Ateveryopportunity,hewouldmakethingsunpleasant.Iaskedaquestion,he’dscowl.I’dsitquietly,andhe’dwonderaloudiftheyweregettingtheirmoney’sworth.ButIwasn’tgoingtolethimwin.Andsometimes,justsometimes,I’dcatchthatlookbeforeherearrangedhisfeaturesintosomethingunpleasant,wherehelookedatmewithintrigue,asifhe’dforgottentoplayhispart.
Ilivedforthosemoments.ButIwasn’tsurewhattodowiththemwhenIgotthem.
Atonepoint,whilstPriyawasexplainingthefunctionalityoftheapp,myphonerang:Felix.Iwincedandsenthimtovoicemail,butDylanraisedaneyebrow.
“Arewehavinganimpactatall,MissAresti?”
“Yep,you’remakingmethinkIshouldhaveuppedmypricesforconsultation,”Isaidroughly,beforeturningbacktoPriyawithasweetsmile.“Sorryaboutthat,couldyoutellmemoreaboutthejournalingfeature?”
Shegrinnedback.“Thereisajournal,that’sfornotes,butwhatI’msuperproudofisthis.”Shesenttheimageuptothewhiteboardbehindher,avideoshe’dmadeusingtheapp.Shewasscrollingthroughdifferentwords,movingthemaboutandsortingthemintopilesonthescreen.
“It’slikethatfridgemagnetpoetry,youknow?”shesaid.“Sometimeskidsfindithardtofindthewords.Andyoudon’twanttofeedthemthoughtsbecausetheywon’tconnect,they’lljustlatchontotheeasiestonethatfeelstheleastpainful.Butthisallowsthemtofindthewordsthatresonateandspendafewmomentsplaying,sortingthroughfeelingsandimages,identifyingorcategorizingthem.It’scalming,butitalsomakesthemfeelincontrol.Thistestedreallywellinourdemographicasasweetextrathatsetusapart.Playisimportant.”
Itappedmynoseandthenpointedather.“That,rightthere.That’sit.That’showyoupitchit.Withthatwarmthandcareandinnovationandplayfulness.”
Priyalookedbrieflyproudofherself,thensatdown.
IcaughtDylanwatchingme,headtilted,andIdidn’tpausetogivehimtimetogethisnextbarbin.
“Okay,sowe’vecoveredfeatures.I’llmakeafewnotesandsendthemover.Butit’ssuchastrongproduct,youshouldbereallyproud.”Ipaused,preparingmyself.TimetostartbringinginalittlemoreFixerUpperflavortothissituation.“Seeingasyoucan’tloadituptotheappstoreandshowsales,myrecommendationistofindotherformsofsocialproof.”
Dylanranahandthroughhishair,tuggingattheends.“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“Itmeans,Mr.James,getafreakingsocialmediaaccount.Idon’tevenparticularlycarewhichone.Showpeopleareinterestedinyourapp,thatitfitswithwhatyoustandforandwhatthekidsthesedaysareusing.Youcan’tsellapieceoftechwithoutacknowledginghowtheyusetheirdevices.”
“Yeah,youcan,becausethementalhealthofbothadultsandchildrenissignificantlydamagedbysocialmedia.”Hecrossedhisarmsandproperlygloweredatme.
“Maybeso.Butthey’regoingtokeepusingit,right?It’stheirwayoffeelingconnected,lessalone.Itgivesthemaroadmaptowardhappiness,evenifit’swrong.Ifyougooutthereshoutingitdown,ifyoumakethemchoosebetweenfeelingpopularandtheirownself-care,they’regoingtopickpopularity.Ifanything,youshouldharnessitwithasharefeaturetoconnectcommunities,showthemlookingaftertheirmentalhealthissomethingtobeproudof.”
Priyastartedscribblingfuriously,noddingherhead,andBengrinnedatme.ButDylanwasstillscowling.Whatashame,he’dalwayshadsuchaprettysmile.Iwantedtosayit,justtopisshimoffevenmore,butIresisted.
“Treatitasanadventure,”Isaid,smilingbroadly,“trysomethingnewandseewhereittakesyou.”
Dylanlookedatmeinconfusion,narrowinghiseyesasifhewaslookingforahiddenmessageinmychoiceofwords.Westaredateachotherforamoment,tryingtofigureeachotherout.WhathadIsaid?Finally,heblinkedandshrugged.
“You’rejustsayingthatbecauseyouworkwithNicki.”Itwassoclosetothetruth,insomeway,thatIgatheredupalltheenergytoargue,butheturnedtoBenbeforeIcouldsayanything.“Yesterdayshespenttenminutestalkingtoherfansaboutwhatkindofcheesesheeats.Whocares?”
Ilaughed,andhewhirledround,glaringatme.“Buttheydid,right?Theydidcare.That’swhatdrivesyounuts.”
“Fifteenthousandpeoplelisteningtomygirlfriendlisttypesofcheese.Fifteenthousand,justcommentingwithdifferenttypesofcheesesoshecouldsayifshe’deatthemornot.Whatthehellisthat?!”Hesnorted,andIlaughed,andforthebriefestmoment,weweresmilingtogether.Untilhemetmyeyesandstoppedabruptly,lookingatthefloorasthatfrownreemerged.
“Youknowwhy,though,right?”Iturnedtotheothers.“Connection.She’sgivingthemsomethingofherself.”
“Herviewsondairy?”Benlaughed.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.She’sconsistent,she’sthere.She’ssharingsomething.That’swhatabrandis.Youcanknowexactlyifsomethingis‘Nicki’ornot.Ifshepostedupapictureofherbedroomwithadinosaurduvetcover,you’dimmediatelyknowshe’dbeenhacked.Consistencygivespeoplesomethingtodependon.”
PriyaandBennodded,andIturnedtoseeDylanleaningagainstoneofthedesks,legsstretchedoutinfrontofhim,scanningme.Icouldfeelhiseyesonmebutcouldn’ttellwhathewasdoing.Hisbrowwasfurrowedbutnotwiththatsamelookofdispleasureheseemedtoalwaysbegivingmethesedays.
“Youknowmuchaboutgivingpeoplesomethingtodependon,Aly?”heasked,anditshouldhavebeenpointedandsharp,buthejustsoundedsad.
Somethingtightenedinmychest,soIstartedpackingupmybagandkeptmyeyesdown.Whataweirddancethiswas:He’dpressandI’dretreat.He’dbackupandI’dpushforwardagain.Alwaysonedgewithnoonewinning.
“Notreally.Istayforawhile,fixwhatIneedtofix,andthenI’mgoneandontothenext,”Isaidlightly,slidingmylaptopintomybagandputtingitovermyshoulder.Itwasmostlythetruth.Iwalkedawaybeforehecouldsayanythingelse.
—
“Aly,getinhere!”FelixyelledacrosstheofficeasIwentinthenextmorning,andIfeltmycheekscolor.Icarefullyplacedmyjacketovermychairandpickedupanotebook.
“Goodmorning,boss!”Isaid,cheerfulandchannelingefficiencyasIclosedthedoorbehindme.“Whatdoyouneed?”
“Ineedyoutostoptakingdaysoff!”Felixstrokedhislittlemustacheandpouted.Felixlookedlikeanactorinasilentfilm.Unfortunately,hesoundedlikesomeonefilmingonethroughafoghorn.“Youtellmeyouwantthisjob,youwanttostepuptothenextlevel,yetyou’renothere!”
Iwantedtomakeexcuses:I’msorry,Ineedtoturnmyex–bestfriendintoaPrinceCharmingfortheKittyLitterPrincessormymotherwillloseherhome.OtherwiseI’dbehere,promise.
“Felix.”ItriedtosoundasconfidentasIhadwithDylanthedaybefore.“Ihaven’ttakentimeoffproperlyinyears.Andit’sodddays,I’mnotoffforweeks!”
“Ineedyoudedicated,Ineedyouhungry.Showingleadership…”Hetappedhisfingersonthetableinirritation,eyesonthedoor.Oh,crap.
Idroppedintotheseatoppositehim.“Whathappened?”
“CanItrustyouwiththis?”
“Ifyouwantmetofixit,sure,”Irepliedandhedidn’tblinkathowforthrightIwas.Iwasclearlytheonlyonewhocouldfixwhateverthisissuewas.IfIwasn’t,itwouldhavealreadybeendealtwith.
“TheBigScreenaccount…”hestarted.
“TeddyBell.He’scominginnextweektotalkstrategy,”Isupplied,tryingtokeepmyselffromrollingmyeyes.TeddyBellbookedintotalkstrategyeveryquarter,andeverytimehecamein,listenedtoourpresentation,toldusitwasallabittoo“modern,”andinsistedwejustcarryondoingexactlythesamethingwe’dbeendoingforthelasttenyears.Whichwasverylittle.
“Ineedyoutogoandtalktohimbeforethen.He’sgivingatalkatTechX-Changetomorrow.”
“Thesameaseveryyear.”
“Probablythesametalkaslastyear,too,”Felixsnorted,softeningslightly.“Ineedyoutoconvincehimtostaywithus.”
“He’sbeingpoached?”Iwassilentlyrelieved.Lettinggoofaclientwithnovisionfreedusuptodobigger,betterthings.Andmakemoremoney.“Maybeit’sforthebest.”
“He’snotbeingpoached.Andit’snotforthebest.”Felixtuggedononesideofhismustache,thesamesidehealwaysdidwhenhewasfrustrated,whichwaswhyhecontinuallylookedlopsided.“TeddyBellisaclosefriendofthebigboss,hasbeenforyears.It’sthereasonweputupwithhim.AndTeddyislookingforanewfirmduetoan…indiscretionfromoneofourstaffmembers.”
Ifrownedinconfusion.“Someonepropositionedhim?Isn’theinhisseventies?”
Felixrolledhiseyes.“Nothim,hiswife.Histhirty-six-year-old,veryprettywife.”
IwatchedasFelixtiltedhisheadtotheleftofhisoffice,andIalmostdidn’tneedtofollowhisgaze.
“Hunter.”Isighed.
“HeandTeddyplaygolfsometimes.Hebecame…acquaintedwithTeddy’swifethroughtheclub.”
Ah,tobeyoung,posh,andfreeofanyoftheconsequencesofyouractions.
“SosendHunter,makehimgrovel.Theend.”
Felixhuffed.“Teddydoesn’twanttoseehim.Buthewantssomeoneontheirkneespromisinghimtheworldandit’llgodowneasierifitcomesfromyou.”
“Fromme?Hunter’sapologyshouldcomefromme?”Ifrowned,searchingforalogicalconclusion.“Because…I’llbehismanager?”
Felixgrinnedatme.“There’sthathunger!Aly,I’veseenyoutalkpeopleintothingsIcouldneverhavebelievedifIhadn’tseenitwithmyowneyes.Yousuggestsomething,eversogently,andforty-fiveminuteslaterthey’reactinglikeitwastheirideaallalong.”
“Soyouarepayingattentionwhenpeoplestealmyideas?”Iasked,eyebrowraised,butheshookhishead.
“Notthepoint.Look,goandgetTeddybackonside.You’regreatatmakingpeoplefeelimportant.Takehimfordinner,promisehimwhateverhewants,apologizeforushiringashitheadwhocan’tkeepitinhispants.Justmakesurehepromisestostaywithus.Takeitasatasktoproveyou’recapableoftheresponsibilitiesofthenewrole.”
“SoIwillbeHunter’smanager?”
Felixhelduphishands,andthenmadealittlezippingmotionacrosshismouth.“Iguesswe’llhavetosee,won’twe?”
Igrippedthearmsofthechairandsatup.“So,justtoconfirm,youwantmetogotoBirminghamtomorrowmorning,sitthroughhisstupidtalkabouthowgreathisrapidlyfailingcompanyis,begforforgivenessonbehalfofHunter,andflirtwiththeoldguytomakesurehestaysincontract?”
“Yes.”
“AndwhatwillHunterbedoingwhileI’mdoingallthat?”
“Ruminatingonhisownstupidity.”Felixfrowned.“Doitforthejob,Aly.ForgetHunter.Doittoproveyoucan,whilstyou’vegotanaudience.”Hesmiledencouragingly,andsomethingflickeredwithinme,asemblanceofthatfightingspirit,Isupposed.
Andthenanideasparked.
“Iwantextraticketstotheconference.AndI’mgettingafirst-classtrainticket.AndIexpectmyexpensestocoveranincrediblyindulgentlunch.Withdrinks.”
Helookedamusedandslightlyproud.“Whateveryousay,kid.You’retheboss.”
Timetopushmyluck.
“Lastthing:IneedTolaandEricwithme;they’releadingonafewprojectsforourotherclientswhowillbethere…”Istartedformulatingexcuses,butFelixwaveditaway,asifhedidn’thavetimeformetomakethecaseandwin.Itwaseasierjusttosayyes.Eventhatfeltlikesuccess.
AsIleftFelix’soffice,InoticedMatthewhovering,andhetiltedhishead.“Everythingokay?Hewasinafoulmoodthismorning.”
Iwaveditaway.AsmuchasHunterwasathorninmyside,Ididn’twanttheofficegossiptobetracedbacktome.“It’sfine,I’vejustgottogodoalittleclientretentionoffsitetomorrow.”
“CanIhelpatall?”Matthewasked,andIblinked,alittlesurprised.“Imean,I’dprobablyjustgetintheway,but…ifIcan,letmeknow.”
Inodded.“Thanks,Iappreciateit.Wereyou—”IgesturedatFelix’sdoor.“Wereyouwaitingtogoin?”
“No,Iwaswaitingforyou,actually.”Matthewscratchedthebackofhisneck,alittleembarrassed.“Ijustwantedtoseewhatyouthoughtofthistagline;thecopyguysthinkit’sperfect,butI’mnotsureit’shittingtherighttone…”
IlookedbackoveracrosstheofficetoseeTolaraisinghereyebrowsatme,wonderingwhatthehellwasgoingon.“Doyouneeditnow,Matthew?”
“It’lljusttakeasecond,”hesaid,thrustingthefileinmyfaceandwatchingme,wide-eyedandanxious.Iwithheldasigh,gavein,andscannedthedocument.Ipressedmylipstogether.
“Trychangingittopresenttense,seeifthatgivesitmoreurgency.”Ishrugged,handingitbackwithasmile.“Butingeneral,trustthecopywriters.Theyknowwhatthey’redoing.”
Matthew’ssmilewassowidethatIfeltabitembarrassedforhim.“Thanks,Aly!Iknewyou’dbeabletohelp!”
WhenIfinallymadeittomycorneroftheoffice,Tolawasinmychair.“What’sgoingon?Andcouldthatboystoplookingatyoulikeanadoringpuppy?It’sdistracting.”
“He’snotadoring,he’sgrateful,”Icorrected,pokingheruntilshestoppedspinningandgotupfrommyseat.“CanyouandEricbefreetomorrowtocometoTechX?I’vegotarubbishassignmentandadastardlyplan.”Istrokedmychindramatically.
“Oh,cando,I’malwaysdownforabitofscheming.”
ThenextthingIhadtodowasgetDylanonside.AndIdidn’treallyhavetimeforniceties.Iranghisnumberanddidn’tbotherwithagreeting.“Ineedyouguystobeavailabletomorrow.”
“Well,obviouslywe’reonlyhereforyouramusement.It’snotasifwe—”
Ihuffedandrolledmyeyes,phoneinthecrookofmyneckasIlookeduptraintimesonmycomputer.
“Killtheattitudeforamoment,wouldyou?”Isighed.“I’vegotyouticketstotheTechX-Change.”
“Theconference?”Inhisshock,hebrieflyforgottobecold.
“Yeah.Birmingham,tomorrow.Canyoumakeit?”
“Waitasecond.”Iheardmuffledvoices.“Priya’sgottaseeifherparentscanwatchherkid,butmeandBencandefinitelycome.”
“Okay,I’llseeyoubothatEustonStationatninea.m.Dressthepart,you’regoingtobenetworking.”
“Iknowhowtodress,Aly,”hehuffed,andifIclosedmyeyesitwaslikewewereseventeenagain.
“Sure.Well…I’llseeyouthen.”
“Iguesswe’regoingonabitofanadventure,”hesaidquietly,andIsmiledtomyself,feelingalittlesad.Oh,that’swhyhelookedlikethatearlier.
“Ihaven’tbeenonanadventureinquiteawhile,”Ireplied,barelydaringtohopewemighthavereachedanimpasse.
Dylanhadalwayshadthisthinghepickedupfromhismum,thissaying.
Stopwhatyou’redoing,he’dsay,andtellmefivethingsyou’reexcitedabouttoday.
“FiveWonderfulThings”waswhathismumcalledit.Shesaidthatshecouldn’tbeartoliveonedaywithoutfindingfivethingstobegratefulfor.Joycewasgreatatfindingthingstodelightover:thesoundofthewindthroughthetrees,ahugfromherson,thecatmakingherlaugh.Andifshecouldn’tfindsomething,she’dconjureit.Aperfectpieceofcake,ordancinginthekitchentoherfavoritesongs.
Ihadthisreallyclearmemoryofheraskingme,andIjustcouldn’tanswer.Myparentshadbeenfightingagain,andMamahadbeencrying,andIwasdreadinggoinghome.“Youcan’tthinkofonething,pet?”shesaid.“Well,wecan’thavethat,canwe?”
Shedroveusouttogeticecreambeforewe’devenhadourdinner.“Ifyoucan’tthinkoffivethings,you’vegottatakeyourselfoffonanadventure,sweetheart,thosearetherules.”
She’dseemedsoinfinitelycoolinherstripyredandwhitejumper,eatingherchocolateicecreamandstealingsomeofDylan’sscoopofstrawberry.Shewaslikesomeonewhocouldconjureallthewonderfulthingsoutofthinair.
Aftershedied,wedidn’ttalkaboutitanymore.Untilthedayaftermydadleft.ThenextmorningDylancalledmeupandaskedmeforfivewonderfulthings.
“Ican’tthinkofanything,Dyl.Seriously.”
“Thenwe’vegottogoonanadventure.”
WejumpedonatraintoBrightonandspentthedayattheseaside,eatingcandyflossandstickingourtoesinthewater.Webrowsedtheshopsandwenttothemovies,spentpenniesinthearcadeandateburgersonthetrainhome.
“Canyouthinkoffivethings,Aly?”he’daskedagain.
“Icanthinkofahundred.”
Hissmilehadbeenunbelievable.
Thatwaswhohe’dbeenbackthen,myinstigator.Draggingmealongbythehandandrefusingtoletmebeunhappy.HeknewIalwaysneededtobebusy,tobedistracted.ThatIlovedfactsandstories,nuggetsoftrivia.Dylankeptalistinthebackpocketofhisjeans.Isawitonce:TrueThingsforAly.Wehadourroutines,oursacredrituals,thatwaythatkidsknowhowtolookaftereachother.
WhenthatperfectBrightondaycametoanend,andwehadtogetonthetrainhome,Iwasdreadingit.Dreadingwalkingbackintothathouseandseeingthecarnage,andworse,lettinghimseeit.ButDylanwasunfazed,asalways.Hewalkedmehome,pokedhisheadinandsawmymother,abarelycoherentlumponthesofa,andthenhesaid,“Youandmearegonnacookdinner,Aly.Let’sseewhatwe’vegottoworkwith.”Heopenedthefridge,madeitagame,andevenmymothertookaseatatthetable,paintingonaghostofasmileassheatedinnerandlistenedtoustalkaboutourdayofadventure.Itwaslikehe’dworkedmagic.
Themanonthephonenow,makingsnarkycommentsaboutlatenoticeandlastminute,whohadn’teventhankedme,hewasn’tthesameboywhokeptthatlistoffactsinhisbackpocket.Theonewhoknewexactlytherightthingtosay.
Butmaybethatlittleexhaleattheotherendofthelinewassomesortofacknowledgment?Maybethatmentionofadventuremeanthethoughtaboutthosemoments,too?Sharedhistorywasasecretlanguage,andIwassurprisedtofindhowmuchofoursIstillremembered.
“Dylan…”Istarted,hopeful,buthecutmeoff.
“Trynottobelate,”hesaid,suddenlygruff,andIhalflaughedinoutrage
“I’veneverbeenlateadayinmy—”
Hehungup.
It’seasiertomissaghost,tobuildupthesemomentsandmemoriesintosomethingthathasmeaning.Ahistory.Butwhenthatghostturnsupeverydayandissodifferentfromhowtheyusedtobe,itmakesyouwonderifanyofitwaseverrealatall.ELEVEN
“So,I’vegottatellyou,IthinkBenisperfectforyou,”IsaidthatmorningtoasleepyEricaswegotcoffeeinLiverpoolStreetStation.
“Nuh-uh,don’tdothatshit.You’rebetterthanthis.”Hetookalargebiteofhismuffin,sunglasseson,lookingbotheffortlesslycoolandincrediblyhungover.“Everystraightgirlwantstheonlytwogayssheknowstogettogether.Thefactthatwebothsleepwithmenisnotenoughofaconnection.”
“Goodenoughforyourusualhookups,”Tolaquipped,reapplyingherlipstickusingthecameraonherphone.Todayitwasalavendercolor,blockylikeacrayon.Itmatchedthelilacfannypackwornoverherdenimdungareeminidress.Shelookedlikeshewasofftoafestival,andyettheminuteshehandedanyoneacardwiththewordsSocialMediaExpert,they’dgetit.I,ofcourse,wasinmyusualblackwithmyusuallipstick.I’daddedapairofgoldlightningboltearringsjustforabitofboldness.TeddyBellneededtoknowIwasn’tmessingaround.
IfIcouldconvincetheolddinosaurtostay,eventhoughIthoughthewasanuninspiredhusk,itwouldbeatriumph.Iwantedtoreturnlikeaconqueror,tothrowdownhisbusinesscardonFelix’sdesktomorrowmorningandsay,“See,didn’tevenbreakasweat.Givemethebrandingrole,youknowIdeserveit.Letmeruntheteam!I’vegotthis!”
ButIwasgladIhadtheguyswithmeforsupport.TeddyBellwasnotaneasymantohaveaconversationwith.TherewasareasonHunteralwaysmethimonthegolfcourse,half-litandwillingtopayforflattery.ButIcouldhandleit,IknewIcould.
“It’snotlikethat.Ijustthinkhe’swonderful,”Isaid,turningtheconversationbacktoBen.“Andseeingasyou’regoingtomeethiminafewminutes,IthoughtI’dpre-warnyou.”
“Fine.”Ericflickedhishandatme.“Goahead,pitchhim.”
“What?”
“He’saproductyouthinkwillchangemylife,pitchhim.”
“Greathair,horn-rimmedglasses,fit,likeiftheclassnerdsuddenlystartedputtingintimeatthegym.Knowsgreatplacestoeatandisfunnywithoutbeingbitchy.”
Ericraisedaneyebrow.“Whydoesthatlastbitfeellikeapointedattack?”
“Becauseitis,”Ilaughed.“He’sjustreallynice,andhehashislifetogether.Heloveshisflatandhe’sgotasweetlittlebeagle,andheknowshowtomakeagreatcocktail.”
“Sowhat’swrongwithhim?Why’shesingle?”
Tolaraisedaperfecteyebrowandlookedunimpressed.“What,soeverysinglepersonisdamagedgoods?”
“Um,yes,”Ericsighed,“obviously.Lookatus.Exceptyou,Tola,you’rejustyoungandlivingyourlife.”
Tolanoddedandresumedfixinghermakeup.“Thanks,babe.”
“Hey!”Ihalflaughed.“Excuseme!”
Ericlooked,pushinghissunglassesdownhisnose.“Doyoureallywantmetostartonyou?”
Isighed.“Theonlythingthatmightbewrongwithhimisthathe’ssoloyaltoDylan,eventhoughthecompanyisashambles.”
Hesnorted.“Ah,oneofthosefakeweaknessesthat’sactuallyapositivetrait.Youaretoomuch,Aly,really.Leavemetomymeaninglesssexandletmegetmyowndog.I’llbemyownhappyeverafter,thankyouverymuch.Idon’tneedsomesadsetup.”
ThatwaswhenIsawDylanacrosstheconcourse.HewaswearingasimilarsuittothatfirsttimeIsawhimwithNicki.Bluewithastripedshirt,butthistimehiscollarwasdoneup,andheworeanavytieandananxiousfrown.Helookedprofessional,andIdidn’tletmythoughtsstrayanyfurtherthanthat.ThoughIlikedthathewasn’tcompletelyclean-shaven;itgavehimalittleedge.
Nexttohim,Benlookedstylishinhisownway,subtlebrowntweedtrousersandwaistcoat,acreamshirt,andhishandsinhispocketsashewalkedalong.Simplyhandsome,likehe’djustwalkedoutofa1940smovie.Timeless.IwaitedforEric’sresponse,andIwasn’tdisappointed.
Hisjawdropped.“Thatwaswhoyouweretalkingabout?Thefairone?”
Inodded,andhegraspedmyhand.
“Iwanthim.”
“He’snotapony,”Tolasnorted,butpeeredoverherownshades.“Cute,though.”
Theypausedandwavedacrosstheconcourse,andIwasthrilledtoseePriyahurryingthroughthecrowds,lookingeffortlesslycoolinblueflaredlinentrousers,whitetrainers,andcreamshirt,hugesunglassesonherhead.Iwavedandgrinned,sopleasedshe’dbewithusafterall.
“IapologizeforeverystupidthingIsaidbefore,”Ericrambledastheyapproached.“Pleasebenice!”
“Notthatyoudeserveit,”Isaidoutofthecornerofmymouth,throughagritted-teethsmile,turningtofacethem.“Hi!Excitedforadayofgeekingoutovertechstuff?”
“Youhavenoidea.”Benkissedmycheekandgavemeawarmsmile.“I’vewantedtogoeveryyearandweneverquitegotroundtoit,didwe,Dyl?”
Dylannodded,thatnervouslookonhisfaceashesquaredhisshoulders.“Shouldbegood.”Hepausedandlookedatme,takinginmysixties-styleblackdresswiththePeterPancollar.Tolacalledit“BossBitchwithadashofwhimsy.”
“Youlooknice,”hesaid,andthesurpriseinhisvoicemadeitclearhehadn’tintendedtosayanythingatall.Iwaitedforsomesortofpunchline,buttherewasnone,somysilencesortofhungthere,makingitawkward.
Irecoveredandgavehimasarcasticsalute.“Onlythebestforyou,boss.”
DylanfrownedatmeasBenguffawed,andIrealizedI’djustsnappedhisolivebranchinhalf.Oops.IturnedtoPriya,desperatetoshiftthefocuselsewhere.
“Youmadeit!Youlookamazing!”Igrinned,andshetwirled,handsraisedlikeaprincess.
“Amazingwhatyoucandowhenyouhaven’tgotalittleshitmonsterspittingsweetpotatoalloveryou.”Shesmiledback,andnudgedtheboyswithherelbows.“Besides,theseguysgettodoallthefunstuff.Ididn’twanttomissoutthistime.”
“I’mglad!ThisisTola.That’sEric.”Igestured.“Mycolleagues.”
“Herlackeys,”EriccorrectedashelookedatBen,aslightpoutappearingthatI’dneverseenbefore.
InoticedBenconsiderhim,beforepointingoutTola’sfannypack.“Iloveit,itremindsmeofclubbinginmytwenties.Onlytheessentials.”
“Exactly,”Tolasaid,seamlesslyopeningitandreachingin.“Gum,anyone?”
“Ooh,me!”PriyaheldherhandupandsteppedtowardTola.“Youlooklikeawomanwhohasalltheanswers.”
Tolagrinned.“Ilikethatalot.”
Wetookoveranareaofthetrain,andItriedtostopmylegtwitching.IwasgoingthroughmynotesonTeddyBell,whattosay,howtoplayit.I’dmadeflashcardstorememberallthepoints,soIknewIcouldchangetackifhedidn’tgoformyfirstapproach.Theothersallsatatthetableopposite,andIgavemyselfspace,sayingIneededsometimetofocusandprepare.Theyallseemedtobehavingfun,evenDylan.Watchinghimwithmyfriendsandhis,Icouldforgetthetensionbetweenus.Likehecouldbetheoldhim,aslongasIwasn’tinvolved.
“IsthatBigScreen?”IheardavoiceandlookeduptoseeDylanslidingintothechairoppositemeandpickinguponeofmyflashcards.“TeddyBell.”
“Youknowhim?”
“Theycallhim‘DinosaurusTech.’?”Heshrugged,eyesfocusedonthetable,handssplayedoverthecards,asifwhenhelookedupthetrucewouldbebroken.“Mostcompaniesfallawaywhentheydon’tadapt,andhiswill,too,eventually.It’stooexpensivetoproducethemachinery,sohehasn’tgotmanycompetitors.Noneedtobeinnovativeorcreative.Noonesnappingathisheels,ormakinghimwonderifhe’smakingtherightdecisions.”
“No,notunlessyoucountmycolleaguewhocameontohiswife,”Isaidlightly,tappingthecardswithmyforefinger.
“Ah,you’reondamagecontrol.Ofcourse.”
“Ofcourse?”
“Fixingotherpeople’smesses,”hesaid,“classicAly.”
Heloungedbackinhischair,armsstretchedabovehishead.Itwassooddtoseehimlooksoyoung,dressedlikeagrown-upbutslouchinglikeateenager.
“Teddy’sknownforhisego.Hewantswhatotherpeoplehave.Soundslikehimandyourcolleaguehavethatincommon,”hesaid.“Youwanttodanglesomethingexclusiveinfrontofhim.”
IwonderedifNickiknewhowastuteherboyfriendreallywas.Inoddedmythanks,desperatenottobreathethewrongwayandscrewitallup.Thelastfewmomentshadfeltlikeabalm.
“Willyoutakemyadvice?”heasked,andInodded.
“Thanks.”
Hetappedthetabletwiceandwenttomove,butpaused.“Itookyouradvice,too.”
IsawTolaandPriyawatchinguscarefully.“Aboutwhat?”
“YousaidNickiusessocialmediaasaformofconnection.Shegivespeoplesomething,evenifit’sjustheropinions.”
Heslidhisphoneacrosstome,andtherewashisfirstsocialmediapost:aphotoofhimmakingaface,holdingagiantblockofcheese.Hi,mynameisDylanJames,andIreallylikeGouda.
Isnorted,butbythetimeIlookedup,thephonewaswhippedaway,andhewasdowntheaisleinsearchofcoffee.Butitfeltlikeatinymomentofprogress,andIletitwarmme.Tolatiltedherheadandraisedaneyebrow,andIshookthesmilefrommyface.Dylanwasaproject,hewastakingmyadvice,andweweregoingintherightdirection.ThatwasallIneededtofocuson.Well,thatandDinosaurusTech.
Priyarestedherchinonherhandandlookedatme,asifshewastryingtofiguremeout.
“What?”
“Absolutelynothing.”Shegrinned.“Justpleasedtoseemybosstakingsomemuch-neededdirection,that’sall.”
Youandmeboth,Iwantedtosay,butdidn’twanttojinxit.
Whenwegottotheconference,itwasamessyfree-for-allovercroissantsandcoffeeuntilthetalksstarted.IbeckonedTolaandEricovertome,speakingquietly.
“We’rethrowingtheminatthedeepend.Theydon’tknowhowtotalkaboutwhatthey’vegot.Keepaneyeonthemandsendthemalifejacketwhennecessary.”
Tolapaused.“Whatabouttheothersideofthisdeal?”Shehummedtheweddingmarch.“Businessfirst,relationshipchatwithboozeonthewayhome?”
Ericperkedup,hisgazeonBen.“Well,thatsoundslikeabrilliantplan.”
“Putyourtonguebackinyourmouth.Ithoughtyouwantedrealconnections?Youweretiredofthehookups,”Iremindedhim.
“Iam.Icanstillnurtureacrush.They’refewandfarbetweenthesedays.Letmeenjoysomething!”Ericwhined.
“Beaprofessional.”Inudgedhimwithmyelbow,thenguidedDylan,Priya,andBenovertosomeoneIrecognized.“Laney,hi!How’sitgoing?HaveyoumetEasterEggDevelopment?They’reworkingonacounselingappforteensIthinkisgoingtofitsowellintotheself-careandresiliencethroughtechmarket—zeitgeistforthisyear,right?Guys,whydon’tyoutellLaneyalittlemoreaboutit?”Iturnedbacktothemwithawide-eyedsmile.“I’vegottarun,butI’llcatchyoulater!”
“Knock’emdead,”IsaidquietlytoDylanasIwalkedpastandgaveTolaalook.Don’tletthemdrown,butdon’tjumpinuntilthey’regoingunder.Inthemeantime,Ihadadinosaurtofind.
OfcourseTeddyBellhadoneofthelastslotsoftheday,andsoIhadalotoftimetogetnervousinbetweenpivotingDylanandBenthroughthecrowdandtryingtoactuallydosomework.
Felixcalledme,frustratedandwantinganupdate.“Hewon’tturnupuntilhisslot,neverwatchesanyoneelse’stalks,soyou’llhavetogethimafter.”
“AsI’vediscovered,”Isaid.“How’sourPrinceCharming?”
Felixlaughed.“Happyasalamb.Althoughhe’ssadhe’smissingoutonagolfbuddy.I’vetakenhimofftheBigScreenaccount.He’sworkingwithMatthewonthehairgelstuff.You’llrunBigScreenfromnowon.”Yes.Takethat,youlazy,philandering,poshgitwithyourtooperfecthairandyourterriblespelling.“Youcanhandlethat,right?”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid,confident.Iwasprettymuchredoingallofhisworkanyway.
“Onatrialbasis,Aly.Afterall,wedon’twantyousobusyyoucan’ttakeonfurtherresponsibilities,dowe?”Felixsaid,andIcouldhearthesmileinhisvoice.
“Absolutely.”Igrinned.“IsthereanythingelseyouwantfrommewhilstI’muphere?I’mjustcheckinginwithourclientswhenIseethem.”
“You’reastar.That’sall.Callmewhenyou’vespokentoTeddy.”
Felixwasbeingentirelytoonicetome,butIsupposedthatifIfixedthissituationwithTeddybeforetheBigBossfoundout,I’dbesavinghisbacon,too.
Itookamomenttocheckmyworkemails,forsomereasonhopingtheremightbesomeapologyorappreciationfromHunter,butno.ThereweretwoemailsfromMatthew,askingwhatIthoughtoftheprintvisualsandifIthoughthistweetwouldgoviral.Theproblemwithsomepeoplewasthattheythoughttoosmall,toodetailed.Iwasafanofworrying,butsometimesyouhadtouseyourinstincts.I’dbeentellingMatthewthatsincehejoined,buthejustdidn’ttrusthimselfyet.
IwalkedbackovertoseeTolawatchingfromthecoffeestationasDylan,Ben,andPriyachattedtosomeonefromGoogle.
“How’retheydoing?”IsaidasIsidledup,pouringmyselfacoffee.
“Ithinktheymighthaveactuallyperfectedit.Firstonethismorningwasaramblingmess.Nowthey’renatural,calm,knowwhatmakestheirthingcool.”Tolanoddedwithapproval.“Goodjob.”
“Thatpartisn’tthehardpart.”Isighed,lookingatDylan.
Hedidlookmorerelaxed,asmileonhisface,acurlfromhishairfallingontohisforehead.Hisjackethungoverachair,hissleeveswererolledup,andIwatchedashespokewithhishands,explainingwithenthusiasm.Itwasnicetosee.
“Toomuch,”Tolasaidsuddenly,“thestaring,Imean.”
Iblinkedandlookedatherinshock.“What?”
Hermouthcurledintoasmile.“Eric?LookingatBenlikehe’sanicecreamthat’sabouttomelt?Why,whodidyouthinkIwastalkingabout?”
Sheknewexactlywhatshewasdoing.
“Don’tbemean.You’renottheonewalkingaroundwithaghostfromyourchildhoodwhorefusestoacknowledgeyou.”
“Oh,hedoes,babe.Justnotwhenyou’relooking.Hehasknownwhereyouarethisentiretime.Theboywouldmakeagoodprivatedetective.Maybethat’swhyhehatessocialmedia,toomuchattention.”Itriedtofollowwhatshewassaying,buttheannouncementcameovertheTannoyforthenextspeaker,andIwantedtoseewhatTeddyhadtosay.Plus,Ihadtocatchhimafterhistalk.
IsignaledtotheguysthatIwasgoingintothetalk,buttheyseemedtotakeitthattheyhadtofollowme.Andofcourse,aswewereslidingintotheaisles,Tolaheldback,forcingDylantositnexttome.Heimmediatelycrossedhisarms,eyesfocusedonthestage.Great.
Ifthatwashowhewasgoingtobe,Iwasn’tgoingtoacknowledgehim,either.Isatupstraight,handsfoldeddelicatelyontopofthenotebookinmylap,attentiveevenasthestagewasempty.
“Ofcourse,starpupil,”hesaidunderhisbreath,stillnotlookingatme.
“Payingattentionispolite,”Ireplied.
“There’snooneevenupthereyet,”Dylansaid.
“Well,clearlyIdidn’tthinkIwasgoingtogetanyrivetingconversationfromyou,”Ihissed.Becauseyouwon’tlookatme.Youwon’tletmeexist.
“Stopgettingyourknickersinatwistforasecond.Icantellyouexactlyhowthisthingisgoingtogo,”Dylansaid,andturnedtowardme.
“Whatthing?”Ibreathed,hopeful.
We’regoingtodothisback-and-forthwedo,Aly,andthenwe’regoingtogobackonthetrainanddrinkabunchofstolenbeersandlaughbecausewe’vebothbeensopigheaded.Andthenwe’regoingtobefriendsagain,becauseI’vemissedyouandyou’vemissedme.
“TeddyBell.Hedoesthissametalkeveryyear,”Dylanwhispered.Itriedtostampdownonthedisappointment.
“Ithoughtyou’dneverbeen.”
“Ihaven’t,butyoudon’tneedto,it’slegendary.Lookaround,theroomishalf-emptyandtheonlypeopleinherearethenewbiestotheindustry.Theydon’tknowwhatthey’reinfor.SomeoneuploadsthevideoeveryyeartoYouTube.Theonlythingthatchangesisthecolorofhisshirts.”
Isnorted,turningmyheadtowardDylan.“Doesn’tsurpriseme.He’snotamanwholikeschange.”
Oureyesbrieflymet,asifintalkingwe’dforgottenweweremeanttobeangryateachother.Istartedturningawayandcouldfeelmyselfstartingtoblush.I’dforgottenhowbluehiseyeswere.
Hecarriedontalking,eyesbackonthestage.Asifhecouldpretendhewasjusttalkingtohimself.
“He’llopenwithhowhestartedthecompany,eventhoughit’snotagoodstory,thenhe’llbragabouthowmuchmoneythey’vemade,talkabouthownooneintheindustrydoeswhattheydo,whichisn’ttrue,usetheword‘innovator’abunchoftimes,andthencomparehimselftoChurchillandSteveJobsinatrulyawfuldoublewhammytofinish.”
“Youguysreallydidn’tneedmyhelpatall,didyou?Youknowwhatyou’redoing.”
HepausedandIsawhimpresshislipstogether,likehewastryingtostophimself.“Sometimesyouplayapartforsolongyouforgetit’sacting.”
AndbeforeIcouldaskanythingelse,darknessfell,andthestagelitup.
Dylanwascompletelyright.Teddydronedonusingthesametiredlanguagehe’dbeenusingforyears,eventheexactsamePowerPointpresentationIthinksomeoneinourofficehaddesignedforhimoveradecadeago.AndasIwatchedthislittlemanstandwithhischestpuffedoutandhislegsapart,talkingabouthowsuccessfulhewas,howmuchmoneyhemade,IwonderedifIevenwantedthisaccount.MaybemakingHunterdealwithhimwouldbepunishmentenough.ButIdeservedthatpromotion.WhetherIwantedtoornot,IwasgettingTeddyBellonside.
Heranoverbyfiveminutes,andwheneveryonewassquirmingintheirchairsbecausetherewerenoquestions,heaskedhimselfsome.Whenitfinallyendedtoapplausethatcouldonlybedescribedas“polite,”Imadeabeelineforthefrontofthestage.
“Mr.Bell,”Isaidwarmly,handoutstretched.“Greattalk.”
“Why,thankyou,younglady,”hesaid.“IthinkIknowyoufromsomewhere.”
“Myname’sAlyAresti,I’mfromAmoraDigital,yourmarketingfirm?I’vebeenworkingonyouraccountforafewyearsnow.”
Heraisedaneyebrow.“SoIsupposeyou’reheretogivemeaspielaboutloyalty?”
“I’mjustheretoofferoursincereapologies.”IheldmyhandsuptoshowIwasunarmed,beforelaunchingintomypreparedtalkingpoints.“Personally,I’membarrassedthatweevenneedtohavethisconversation.WhatHunterdidwasincrediblyinappropriate,andthewholecompanyismortified.”
Hefrowned.“Isthatright?Soyouthinkit’sterrible,whatyoungHunterdid?”
Inodded.“Ofcourse.”
Bellgavemeashrewdlook.“I’vebeeninbusinessalongtime,andforgivemeforsaying,butyouseemalittlenaive.”
“I’msorry?”
Hemadeagesturewithhishands,likehewastryingtofindthewords.“Theworldisacomplexplace,MissAresti,youcan’talwaystrustthepeopleyouexpect.IlikeHunter,heremindsmealotofmeatthatage.Howoldareyou,ifyoudon’tmindmeasking?”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Oldenoughtoknowbetterthantogiveinappropriateattentiontoaclient’sspouse.SoItakeityou’renotupsetwiththesituation,andI’vewastedmyjourneyheretoapologize?”
Thatrattledhim,asI’dintended.Butitalsolethimknowhewassospecial.I’dmadethistripjustforhim.He’ddineoutonthatstoryforafewdays,abouthowimportanthewasthatI’dbeensentuptohunthimdownandfallonmysword.
“OfcourseI’mupset,I’vebeenbetrayed!”
Nowwasthetimefortheunderstandingnodsandequivalentshushingnoises.
“Ofcourse,andweareincrediblysorryforthedisrespect.I’llbetakingoverasyourdirectcontactattheagency,andyouwon’thavetoseeHunteragain.”
Helookedatmewithanewlevelofrespect,vaguelyimpressed.“Well,hasn’tthatworkedoutwellforyou,MissAresti?Perhapsyou’renotsogreenafterall.”
“I’mnot—”
“Nothingtobeembarrassedabout,mydear,it’simportanttobecutthroatinbusiness.Sooften,womenarethebestatthemachinationsandbackstabbingthatarenecessary.It’sthewayoftheworld.”Hesmiledatme,andItriednottoshudder,paintingmyfaceassereneandpolite.
“That’sa…uniquetakeonit,Mr.Bell.”
Hewavedawaymywordsandsteppedforward,takingmyarm.“Teddy,please.Now,whatistheagencywillingtogivemefortheinconvenienceandembarrassment?”
Ismiledathim.Nowweweretalkingmylanguage.IlaunchedintoallthethingsIwasalreadydoingforhiscampaign,butframeditasiftheywereadded.Moreadvertisingspace,moreprint,morethis,morethat.Henoddedandsmiled,butIcouldtellhehadnoideawhatwedidforhiscompany,hewasonlyfocusedonthefreebies.Funnyhowtheoneswithmoneyalwayswere.
“And,ofcourse,Mr.Bell,whenyougetbacktoyourofficetomorrowmorning,you’llfindareallyexcellentlimited-editionsinglemaltsittingonyourdesk.Iknowyou’reaGlenfiddichman.Justasmallthank-youforseeingmetoday.”
Iwatchedashesmiledandgrinnedmyworkgrin.You’resospecial,soimportant.Ihadhim.Hethoughthewastheshark,butIwas.Iwantedtorunavictorylap.Evenasheshookmyhandandtoldmehewaslookingforwardtoworkingtogetherfurther,IwasvisualizingstridingintoFelix’sofficetomorrowmorning.
Bellwasshakingmyhand,hisotherhandonmyarm,whenIfeltsomeonebrushpast,separatingus.Iturnedinshock.
“Teddy!TeddyBell,howfantastic.”Dylanarrivedoutofnowhere,leaningintoshakehishand,andsomehowpositioninghimselfbetweenthetwoofus.“Iseeyou’vemetmybrandingconsultant,isn’tshebrilliant?”
IwantedtotellDylannoneofthiswasnecessary,butcouldn’tgetawordin
“DoIknowyou,son?”BellpeeredatDylanindistrust.
“DylanJames,EasterEggDevelopment,”herepliedsmoothly.
“I’vebeenhearingthatnamearoundalottoday.”
“Well,that’sgoodnews.Butweactuallymetlastyear,atthepolo,Ithinkitwas?Youknowmygirlfriend,NickiWetherington-Smythe.”
Bell’sfacerelaxed,andheactuallylookedsincereforamoment.Itwasanoddexperience.
“Ah,littleNicolette,ofcourse.Shegrewupintosuchabeautifulgirl.Andsosuccessful.”
Inodded,abouttotrytoremoveusfromthesituation,butDylanheldhishandupbehindhisback,asilentwarningtoholdon.
“Yeah,yougowaybackwithherUncleArtie,right?”
Bell’ssmiledroppedandhisvoicetookonanewtone.Ididn’tlikeit.“We’reacquainted.”
“Well,ArtielovesourAlyhere.”Dylanputanarmaroundmyshoulders,andIsqueakedinsurprise,stiffasaboard.“Reallyinvestedinherpersonalhappinessandhercareer.Afterall,she’ssoclever,somanygreatideas.”
“Oh,lotsofgreatideas,”Bellsaidfaintlyandthenrecoveredhimself.“She’sgoingtoberunningmyaccountfromnowon.”
“Well,then,you’reincrediblylucky!We’veonlymanagedtohireherforafewweeks,butherinputhasbeeninvaluable.Ican’timaginewhatahugecompanylikeyoucoulddowithallthattalent.We’resmallfry,butyouguys,youcouldreallydominatethemarket.”
“Wealreadydo,”Bellsaidstiffly,butIcouldtellhewasboredoftheconversation.
“Fornow,butyou’vealwaysgottabeonestepahead,right?”Dylansaidwithasmile,thenlookedathiswatch.“Sorry,Teddy,wasgreattochat,butI’mgoingtohavetostealAlyaway.We’vegotatraintocatch.Didyougeteverythingyouneededfromher?”
Belllookedbetweenthetwoofus,tryingtounderstandtherelationship,buteventuallygaveup.
“Ilookforwardtoournextmeeting,MissAresti.You’veimpressedme.”HelookedatDylan,distrustful.“Makesureyoucontinuetomakegoodchoices.”
Hewalkedoff,andwewatchedsilentlyuntilhe’dexitedtheconferenceroom.IpulledawayfromDylan’sarm.
“Whatthehellwasthat?”Ihuffed,marchingawaytowardtheexit.
“Youclearlyneededrescuing!You’reapeoplepleaser,andthatmanis…notagoodguy.Whoknowswhatcouldhavehappened?”Dylanranahandthroughhishair,halfyelling.
“IknowwhatcouldhavehappenedbecauseIwastheonerunningthesituation.”Ikeptmyvoicelow.“YourealizeI’magrownprofessional?I’mactuallyquitegoodatmyjob.Whichyoumightnoticeifyouweren’tunderminingmeateverypossiblemoment.”
Dylanshookhishead,clenchinghisteeth.“Thisisn’taboutme.Iknowthatguy.Iknowexactlywhothatguyis.Whathe’scapableof.”
Imethiseyes.“Butyoudon’tknowme.”Anymore.“Youdon’tknowwhatI’mcapableof.”
Itookabreathandraisedmychin.“Iamavaluedandrespectedmemberofmyteam.ItookthistaskbecauseIthoughtIcouldgetyouguyssomethingoutofit.You’rewelcome,bytheway.”
“Whatishappeningrightnow?IthoughtIwashelping!”Dylanthrewhishandsup.“Idon’tgetthis.”
“Youdon’tgetthis?You’retheoneplayingwhateverweirdgamethisis!”Itriednottoscreech,butIsawhimchucklebeforehecouldhideit.Oh,great.Nowhe’dwonthegame.
Hetookabreath,steppingbackfromme,handsup.I’mretreating,don’tshoot.
“Look,Aly.Ididn’tmeantosuggestyoucouldn’thandleyourself.”Hepaused.“Thewayhewascrowdingyou,Iassumed…”
Inodded,tryingtoregulatemybreathing.We’dcomesoclosetofinallyacknowledgingeverything,andthechancewaspassingusby.“Okay,fine.Let’smoveon.WhatwasallthatstuffaboutUncleArtie?”
Dylansnortedandlookedatthefloor.“ArtieisabookieNicki’sdaduses.Ithinkheusedtoworkinthestockmarket,anoldItalianguyinathree-piecesuitandbowlerhat.Propergent.”
Itwirledmyfingertosay,yeah,goon
“RumorhasitArtie’smafia,andhe’sveryprotectiveofthewomenfolk.Doesn’tliketohearofanyscummybehavior,capiche?”
Jeez,howdidNickikeepthatconnectionfromtherealityTVshowsandcelebmags?
“Andishemafia?”
Dylanshookhishead,snorting.“He’sjustwatchedTheGodfatherafewtoomanytimes.Ithinkhestartedtherumorhimselfforalittlebitofdrama.It’sreallyboringbeingretired,apparently.”
Isnorted.“Okay,wellthat’s…interesting.ButBellwasaperfectgentleman,hewascompletelyprofessional.”
“Hmm.”Dylanclearlydidn’tbelieveme.“Justmakesureyourmeetingsaregroupones,that’sallI’msaying.”
Isighed.“Youreallyknowhowtomakeagirlfeellikeherworkdoesn’tmatter,youknow?”
Hesnorted.“WhatdoyouthinkI’vebeentryingtodoallweek?”
Ilaughed,toosurprisedtorespond,andhegrinnedatthelookonmyface.
“Soarewegoodtogonow?”
“Wasthereanythingelseyouwantedfromhere?”Iaskedaswestartedwalking,sidebyside,atenderpeacenegotiated.
“Well,nowthatyoumentionit,Ithinkweshouldsneaksomeofthehappyhourcomplimentarybeerforthetrainridehome.”
Ilaughed,desperatetosayclassicDylanorofcourseyoudo.
ButinsteadIjustnodded.“Soundsexactlylikewhatagoodstart-upwoulddo.Shoestringbudgetandinnovation.”
Somethingloosenedbetweenusafterthat.Asifwedidn’thavetokeepcirclingandgrowlingateachother.Weknewweweresafeenoughforthetimebeing.Aslongaswedidn’tmentionthepast
Onthetrainjourneyhome,Ibecamepartofthegroup,welcomedinamongthelaughterandteasing.EricstillhadhiseyesgluedtoBenatalltimes,totheextentthatIwantedtotellhimhewasgettingalittlecreepy.Benkeptgivinghimthesesearchingglances,asifhewastryingtofigureoutwhowasunderneath.Priyakeptlookingatthem,andbacktome,asiftoconfirmthatsomethingwasdefinitelygoingonthere.
“SohowarewegoingtopunishHunter?”Tolaasked,andIgrowledalittle.Dylanpoppedthecapoffanotherbeerbottleandhandedittome.Iwasstillgettingusedtohimbeingpolite.Itwasodd.
“Thanks.”Ipaused.“Um.Well,obviouslyIneedtogetthispromotionandthenhavethepowertobosshimaroundallthetime.Imightalsoshredallhiscravats.”
Ericlaughed.“Aly,guyslikeHunter…he’llstillbeturningupaskingyoutodothingsandactinglikehe’sdoingyouafavor,nomatteryourtitle.It’sthelevelofprivilege.It’sinbuilt.”
“Oh.”Ifrowned.“SoI’mgoingtohavetokillhim?”
“YourbestbetisplacingsomesortofheiressinfrontofhimsohefucksofftoDubaitolivethelifehe’salwaysexpected.Onewithminimalwork,minimalconsequences,andlotsofshopping.”Ericlaughed.
“I’dwatchthatmovie,”Priyasaid,thenyawned.“Imean,I’dfallasleephalfwaythroughandmisstheending,butanythingwithamanipulativewomanandanidiotmanisawinner.”
“DoesNickihaveanyheiressfriends?”BensmiledandDylanlaughed.
“IthinkmostofherfriendsarefromTV,nottheheiresscircuit.”
“TheKLP,”Tolasaid,almostwistful.“It’samazingwhatshe’sdone,becominganameinandofherself.IdidoneofmycollegepresentationsonNicki.Itwascalled‘FromCatShittoTopDog.’?”
“You’rekidding!”Iturnedtoher,grinning.“Ididn’tknowthat!”
“Well,itwasashortcourseinsocialmedia,itwasn’tlikeawholeunithing.”Tolashruggedandsmiled,beforeturningtotheothers.“Ifocusedmoreonlifeexperiencethangrades.ButnowIkindawishI’dhadthechanceforthat.Everyoneelsealwaystalksaboutunilikeit’sthebesttime.”
Nope.Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tthinkthat’strueforeveryone.Besides,youwentofftoNewYorkbyyourselfateighteenandbecameacostumedesigner.BeatslivingonnoodlesandreadingKafka.”
Ericshookhishead,too.“Ilikedthestudying,but…Ispentalotoftimetryingtobewhatotherpeoplewanted.Itwasn’twhatIimagined.”
“Idroppedout,”Dylansaidsuddenly,makingeyecontactwithme.“I’dbeenexcitedatthebeginning,butitbecameclearthatIwasn’tgoodenoughandIwasn’tasinterestedasotherpeople.Ididn’tfit.Ijustfeltstupidallthetime.SoIdroppedoutandmovedinwithsomerandomguys.”Hepaused,beforelaughingtotheothers.“Which,ifyou’dseenthestateofwhatwasgrowinginthatkitchen,wasn’texactlyaprimechoice,either.Butitwasgood,stoppedmewallowing.Stoppedmeworryingthat…thatI’ddisappointedpeoplewho’dbelievedinme.IfeltlikeI’dletthemdown.”
Hewaitedformetosaysomething,andIofferedhalfasmile.“Ifyoudidtherightthingforyou,thennoonehasanyrighttobedisappointed.Besides,Ibetallthosepeoplehadidealizedviewsofuniversitylifeanyway.Lookhowfaryou’vecomewithoutit.”
Everyoneelselookedatus,fallingsilent.
Benwasthefirstonetobreak.“Okay,what’shappeninghere?Youguyshavebeenmortalenemiessinceyouseteyesoneachother,andnoweverythingisfriendly.Whatgives?”
Dylanshrugged.“IguessIjustneededtoseeAlyinactiontotrustsheknewwhatshewasdoing.”
“AndIjustneededDylantotrustIknewwhatIwasdoing,”Isupplied,backingupthelie.
PriyaandBenexchangedalookbutsaidnothing.
Tolaraisedaneyebrowatme,coughed.Shewasright,weneededtogetonwiththerelationshipstuff.Threeweekstoperfectabusinesspitchwasfine.Threeweekstoensureaproposalwasharder.
“What’sNickiuptotoday?”Isaid,changingthesubjectsoquicklyIwassurprisedtheydidn’tgetwhiplash.“Sheseemslikeabusywoman.”
Dylansighed,lookingoutofthewindow.“Well,Iwokeupatsixtohertalkingtoherfansagain,thistimeaboutherfavoritepajamabrandforanad.Thenshevideoedherselfwashingherfacefromabunchofdifferentangles,andIleftjustasshewassettingupherbedroomforsomesortofphotoshootincludingthreehundredpounds’worthofrosegoldfoilballoonsandapuppysherentedfortheday.”
Tola’seyeswidenedinalarm,butshetriedtosoftenhisclearderision.“Thatmusttakesomucheffort.”
“Youmeangettingupatfivetodoher‘natural’makeupsoshecanwashitoffinher‘ordinarymorningroutine’?”Dylanlaughed,peelingatthelabelonthebeerbottle.“Ijustdidn’trealizehowmuchofsocialmediawasaliebefore.Peoplewouldsay,‘Oh,that’sfake,’andI’dthink,‘No,whywoulditbe,whowouldgotoallthateffort?’AndthenIrealized:Nickiwould.”
Bennudgedhim.“Yes,pooryouwithyourrich,famous,beautifulgirlfriendwhotakesyoutoinsanerestaurantsandonfancyholidaysandprovidesyouwithwonderfulbrandingconsultants.”
Dylansuddenlylookedatme,asifrememberingIwasonanotherteam.God,ifonlyheknew.
“It’snotthatI’mnotgrateful,Ijust…Ithoughtevenwithinfluencers,evenwithsomeonewho’sabitfamous,there’dbepartsofyourrelationshipthatweren’tondisplay.”
“Yeah”—Benclappedhimontheshoulder—“thatthirty-minuteInstagramstoryshedidonyoursexlifelastweekwasabitharsh.”Hegrinnedwidely,laughingatDylan’sface.“I’mjoking!See,shehasboundaries!”
“Maybe…”Istarted,thenpaused,bitingmylip,asifIwasn’tsurewhethertosharemyidea.Whetherwewerethereyetinourdelicatetruce.IwaitedforDylantopushme,andofcoursehedid.
“Maybe?”
“Maybeshewouldbackoffabitifyougiveheralittleofyourselfinfrontofthataudience?She’sawomaninlove,she’sproudofyou.Popupandsayhiinoneofhervideos,andmaybeshe’llstepbackwithsomeoftheotherstuff.Afterall,you’vemadesuchgoodprogresswithyourfirstpost.”
Iofferedhimasoftsmile,andhedidn’tquitereturnit,butthehardsettohismouthwasn’tthereanymore.
“Anditmightbegoodfortheapp,right?”Tolaadded,buildingonwhatI’dsaid.Ismiledather,grateful.“Nicki’sgotmillionsoffollowers.It’seasytodismissitwhenit’syourgirlfriend,butthat’sliterallywhatinfluencermarketingisfor.Gethertobuildarealbuzz.”
DylanlookedtoBen,seemingtoconversewithhimtelepathically.Priyashruggedatmelikeshewasusedtothismind-meldingduringherworkday.
“It’sjust…it’sours,”Dylansaideventually.“It’sourthingthatweworkedon.Andwethinkit’sgoingtohelppeople.Nickimightmakeit…trivial.”
Priyawincedalittle,andIresisteddoingthesame.
Ohgod,wehadbiggerproblemsthanIrealized.Mostpeopleweren’texactlyontheroadtoproposingtopartnerstheythoughttrivializedtheirlife’swork.Surelythiscouldn’tbewhatDylanwanted,anditwasn’tfairofmetopushandsculptandscheme?
Thequestionwas,howfarwasIwillingtogo?
Thelasthourofthejourneytookonadifferentfeeling,itwasalmosttimeless.Ithadsoftened,fromthelaughterandexcitementoffreebeerandadaywellspent,intosomethingelse.BenandEricspokeinsofttones,laughingandwhispering.Ericlookedlitup,likehe’dneverbeensobeautifuloralive.EvenwhenIfirstmethim,whenhehadthatwhole“I’mthekingoftheworld”vibegoingon,hehadn’tlookedlikethis.Hewasglowingwithpossibility.Tolahadwalkedoffdownthecarriage,onthephonetooneofherfriends,arrangingwhatclubshe’dmeetthemat.She’drockuptomorrow,tellusshe’dbeenpartyingtillsixa.m.,andhavenoclueofhowarealhangovercoulddevastateyou.Priyahadherheadphonesinandlookedmorecomfortablethananyoneshouldcurledupinawindowseatonatrainwiththeireyesclosed.Shesaidshe’dtakesleepwherevershecouldgetit.Dylanwasswipingthroughmusicchoices.
I’dbeenfrowningatmyownphone,tryingtomakemywaythroughatheory-heavymarketingarticle,whenthebatterydied.Ihuffed,chuckingitdownonthetable.Ilookedoutofthewindow,thenbackatthetableagain.HowdidIforgetacharger?Mylegwasalreadyjitteringattheideaofnothavinganywaytobeproductive.
ThenIsawanearphoneonthetableinfrontofme.IlookedupatDylan,andhenodded.WhenIheardwhathewaslisteningto,Icouldn’thelpsmiling.Thesamewhinyteenagerockwe’dlovedyearsago.Thiscouldhavebeenaplaylistwe’dmadebackthen,sittingontheschoolbuswithonestrandoftheearphoneseach,listeningonhisWalkman,thenmyCDplayer,thenhisMP3player.Themusicbarelychangingwiththetechnology.Alwaysonesetofearphones,headspulledtogetheraswenoddedalong.
Thenostalgiawassovisceralitgavemeastomachache.
Dylanslidhisphoneacrosstome.“Youchoosethenexttrack.”
Thenhelookedoutofthewindowagain,likeitwasn’thappening.Likehehadn’tofferedmethesmallestwaybacktoourpast.
Thatwashowwepassedthefinalhourhome,revisitingthemusicweusedtolove,smilingoutofthewindow,andpretendingitmeantnothingatall.TWELVE
“Don’tyouthinkthewigisabitmuch?”Ituggedatmynewlylightbrownbobasitbrushedmyshoulders.TolaandIwereinthetoiletsofthebar,preparingformybigentrance,andIstoodinfrontofthemirror,suddenlynervous.
“Hey,ifIgettobetheboss,I’mcreatingthevision.Seeingisbelieving.”Tolalaughedatmeandadjustedmysilverdress,handingmesomelipstick.We’dbeenlimitingtheFixerUppersessions,whatwithsolvingallofNicki’sproblemstakingupmostofourtime,butwehadcommitments,andTolaneededme.
Sheheldupherphonewiththephotoofthelatestproject.MarkJenkins,thirty-five,salesassociate.Hisgirlfriend,Lucy,hadhiredusforamotivationpackage.Thoseusuallyfellintooneofthreecategories:career,commitment,orself-care.You’dbesurprisedhowmanygrownmendidn’tshowerregularly.Itwashorrifying.
Thatnight’sFixerUpperchallengewasaneasyone—encourageMarktofinallystepupintermsofhiscareer.He’dbeentalkingaboutitforeightyears,andLucywasbasicallypayingussosheneverhadtohearaboutitagain.
Luckily,Markseemedlikeamanofsimpledreams—hewantedmoney,hejustneededtoknowsomeonelikehimcoulddowhathewantedto.Itwasacomfortthing.Afterall,peopleareafraidoffailure.Especiallyinfrontofapartner.It’seasyenoughtojustkeepsayingyou’lldosomething,becausethenyouneverhavethechancetofail.Andluckilyenough,lifewillalwaysfindawaytogetintheway.
Butnotanymore.
Tolanoddedatme.“Eric’satthebar.Youknowwhattodo.”
Inodded,swishingmyhipsalittle.Tolafollowedmeoutfromthetoilets,thensetherselfupatatablenearby.Ididn’tneedherforthisbit,butshejustlikedto“seethemagichappen.”
EricwasalreadynexttoMarkatthebarwhenIstumbledover.
“Baby,baby,IwanttodrivetheJaghome,please!”IthrewmyarmsaroundEric’sneck,andhesmiledindulgently.
“YouthinkIworkedthishardtofinallybuymydreamcar,onlytohaveyoucrashit?You’rehavingalaugh,woman.Iloveya,butyou’remad.”HewatchedasMarkmadeeyecontact,sotheycouldshareawomen,honestlylook.ThatwaswhyIneededEric.Itdidn’tworkwithouthim.Turnsoutmendon’tlistentowomenthey’renotsleepingwith.Shocker.
“Brand-newcarI’vebeenwaitinghalfmylifetobuy,andshethinksI’mgonnaletherdriveit!”Ericexclaimed,havingfoundhismaleaudience.“Canyoubelieveit?”
“What’veyougot?”
“JaguarF-Type.”Ericsmiled.“Myprideandjoy.”
IlookedacrossandsawthebartenderapproachingTolawithabrightgreencocktailonatray.Someonehadsentittoher.IneversawanyonedothatinreallifeexceptforaroundTola.Andshealwaysacceptedthemwithaflirtatioussmileandathank-you,butneverdrankthembecauseyoucouldn’ttrustpeople.
Ifocusedbackontheconversation,waitingformymomentinourlittleplay.
“YouneverwouldhavebeenabletoaffordthecarifIhadn’tnaggedyouaboutthataccountancycourse,”Isaidpetulantly,handonhiplikeIwasperpetuallyignoredandunderestimated.“Ifitwasn’tformepushingyouandgettingthatdiscountedtrainingcourse,you’dstillbesellingshoesforminimumwage.”
Ericsoftened.“Aw,you’reright,petal,I’msorry.”Heputanarmaroundme,turningtoMark.Timeforthebigsell.“Beeninretailallmylife,noqualificationsoranything,youknow?Andthemissusisalwaysnagging,Youcandomore,butIfigurewhatcanIdo,really?ButIstartedthisaccountancycourseandnowthemoney’srollingin!”
“Thateasy?”Markraisedaneyebrow.
“Well,yagottastudy,mate,Iwon’tlietoyou.ButI’mnotparticularlybooksmartandIdidokay!Ilikenumbers,dealtwithstocktakesandstuffintheoldjob.”
“Iworkinashop,”Markoffered.“DoyouthinkIcoulddoit?Mygirlfriendhasbeenonatme,too.”
“Mate,youcoulddefinitelydoit.Infact”—Ericproducedacardfromhispocketlikeamagician—“Igotahalf-pricecoursewhenIcompletedit,asagifttopassontosomeoneelse.Haveit,Ithinkit’sfate.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,honestly.Spendacoupleofmonths,stickitout,andgetyourselfanicelittlenumber,too.Thecar,Imean.”Hegrinned,andIelbowedhimsharply.Toomuch.
“Cheers,man,Ireallyappreciatethat.”MarkheldouthishandtoshakeEric’s,andthedealwasdone.
“Bestoflucktoyou,everysuccess,yeah?”Ericwrappedanarmaroundmywaistandledmetotheexit.IfeltTolafollowingbehind.
WhenwepiledintoEric’scar(mostcertainlynotaJaguar)weroaredwithsuccess,thesamewaywealwaysdid.
“Areyousurethat’sallittook?”Ericsaid,thewayhealwaysdid.
“Pshaw,hewasaneasyone,youcouldtell.Totallypliable.Thegirlfrienddidalotofthegroundwork,shejustneededsomeonetofinallytiphimovertheedge.”Tolagrinned.
“Itwouldprobablyworkjustaswellifyou’dbeentheonewiththefancycar,”Ericsaid,withlittleconviction.
Irolledmyeyes.“Tola,what’stheonethingthatstopsamanwhoispersistentlytryingtohitonyouinaclub?”
“Ifyousayyouhaveaboyfriend.”
“Andwhyisthat?”
“Becausetheyhavemorerespectforamanthey’venevermetoverawomanrightinfrontofthem?”sheansweredseamlessly.
Imadeabuzzernoiseandaffectedashow-hostvoice.“Youwinthecar,thecash,andtheholiday!Congratulations!”
EricandIlaughed,butTolastayedsilent.
“What’sup?Wekilleditinthere.”
Shesighed.“Okay,realtalkforasecond.WherearewewithDylan,becausetimeiscountingdown,andIamseverelydoubtingourabilitiesrightnow.”Iwassurprisedtoseetheanxietyinherexpression.
“Areyouokay?”
“We’reoffbook,Aly!We’reneveroffbook!Wealwayshaveanexactplanofwhothemanisandhowheworksandthinks.Wedon’thavethat.”
“Well,no,but…”Istarted,tryingtofigureitout.
“WehaveAly’shistorywiththeguy,”Ericadded,“andhestoppedhatingher,itseems,sothat’sprogress.”
“Twoandahalfweeks!”Tolasaid.“Twoandahalfweeksisallwe’vegot!”
Iturnedaroundtolookatherinthebackseat.“Tola,what’sup?Thisisn’tlikeyou.”
Tola’sdarklipstickhadrubbedoff,andsheputahandthroughherhair,lookingsuddenlysoexhausted.“Weworkedreallyhardtobuildsomething.Andit’sgoingsomewhere.Butifwefailwiththebiggestclientwe’veeverhad,becauseitwasimpossible…we’vejustshotourselvesintheface.We’vejustundoneeverythingwe’veachievedsofar.”
Ireachedbackandsqueezedherhand.“Icandothis,Ipromise.I’mjustlookingfortherightangle.”
“Togetaguywhothinkshisgirlfriendisshallowtomakealifetimecommitment,”shereplied.
“Hey.”Ericshrugged,eyesstillontheroad.“Menhavedonestupiderthingsforaccesstoaneasylifeandanicepairofboobs.”
“Yourealizeyou’reallowedtogetoutofcharacternow,”Ibitbackathim.“Theyjustneedtoreconnect.Therewasrealaffectionbetweenthemwhenwefirstmetthem,right?Wejustneedhertoputinboundaries,andhimtostepup.Abalancingact.”
“Sonowwe’recouplescounselors,too.Excellent.”Erichittheindicatoralittletooaggressively.
“You’rejustannoyedthatBendidn’tpickupthehintandaskyouout,”Tolateasedgently,lookingalittlemorelikeherself.
“Hegavemehisnumber!”Ericargued,loudlybuzzinghishornasanotherdrivercuthimoff.
“Yeah,forworkstuff.?”
“Maybehewasbeingsubtle.”
“Alotofthatinthegaydatingscene,babe?”Tolaretorted,beforeturningtome.“I’msorry,Ijust…Idon’twantthistocompromisewhatwe’vedone.Foryouguys,workingattheagencyisthedream,andIrespectthat.But…Ithinkwhatweweredoingherecouldbemydream.AndIdon’twantitgettingfuckedupbyanheiressandhergrumpyboyfriend.”
“Okay.”Inodded,inproblem-solvermode.“Whatdoyouneedtofeelconfident?”
“Aplan.Andapromisethatyoureallywantthistosucceed.”
Tolahadthiswayoflookingatyoulikeshesawrightdowntothebone—X-rayvision.
“Believeme,youhavenoideahowmuchIneedthistosucceed,”Isaid,thinkingofmymother’shouse,rememberingmygrandmotherbeneaththatmagnoliatreeasatalisman.
“Soyouhavenofeelingsabouttheboyyouoncelovedgettingmarriedtosomeoneelse,andbeingtheonetomakeithappen?”Tolacrossedherarmsandarchedaperfectlyshapedeyebrow.
“Love,”Iscoffed.“Iwasateenager,T.IlovedKurtCobainandBarryMshimmereyelinerandtrouserswithtoomanypockets.HewasaboyIhadacrushononce.AndIknewhimwellenoughtoknowhewillwantwhatthisbrings.”Isthattrue,really?
“Everybodywins.That’stheplan,”Itoldher,graspingherhand.“You’vegottotrustme.”
“Okay,thentellmewherewestart,”shesaid,andIpaused,scrollingthroughNicki’ssocialmediafeed.
IgrinnedasIturnedthephonetoher.“Westartwithproofthatwe’reontherighttrack.”
BecausethereNickiwasattheTVandFilmStreamingAwards,standingonaredcarpetinLeicesterSquare.Shelookedeverybittheperfectstarlet,herblondhairwithextensionsin,flowingpoker-straightdowntoherwaist,apalebluesparklyfittedmermaiddresscatchingthelightofthephotographers’flashes.
AndrighttherenexttoherinatuxedowasDylan,smilingforthecameras.
Who’sthebabeinthesuit?
Uh-ohtheKLP’sgotherclawsintoanotherone!
Isthatguyanactor?IthinkI’veseenhiminsomething.
Thetabloidmentionsandcaptionshadbeencarefullycurated:NicoletteWetherington-SmytheinGivenchy,accompaniedbytechentrepreneurboyfriendDylanJames.
“Thisisourshot,”IsaidtoTola.“Weneedtokeepbuildingmomentum.”
“Iknowexactlyhowtoworkthis,wejustneedtogetDylanonboard.”
AsToladetailedherplanforaliveQandAwiththecouple,IcouldseeDylan’sscowlinmymind.Sure,he’dgottenalldressedupforafancynightoutandsmiledinfrontofthecameras,butserveuphisrelationshiponlinetobejudged?Itwouldbeahardsell.ButwedidhaveBenonourside.Ben,whoknewafewcarefullytimedquestionsaboutthenameofthecompanyandtheprojectstheywereworkingoncouldgoalongway.Andmaybe,justmaybe,ifhewasthesameDylanIremembered,he’dpasteonasmile,say“ofcourse!”andpretendhewasfinewitheverything.
WhichwashowweendedupsittinginNicki’spalatialChelseaflatthenextafternoon,settingupatripodandalightring.Theflatwasexpensivebasedonsizeandlocationalone,butitwasbeautifullydecorated,drippingwithluxuryinthewayinfluencerdesignalwaysdid.Afive-hundred-poundthrow,soartfullydrapedoverthesofa,asifitwasconstantlybeingsnuggledunder.Acollectionofcoffeetablebooksthathadneverbeenopened.Artthatlookedprettybutsaidverylittleabouttheowner.Itwasbeautiful,butitlookedlikeashowroom.Itfeltempty,evenwiththeflurryofactivityofassistants,makeupartists,andhairdressers.
“Okay,tellmeagainhowthisisgoingtohelptheapp?”Dylanaskedmeasahairdresserattemptedtosmoothhishairdown,hiscowlickseeminglyincapableoflyingflat.Shegaveupandtriedtotousleitinstead.
“We’reharnessingNicki’sfametobenefityourcompany.Peoplewereinterestedinwhoyouwereafteryourred-carpetappearancelastnight.We’vegottocapitalizeonthatwhilsttheystillcare.”
Helookedatme,long-suffering.“Itfeelsexploitative.”
Ishrugged.“NottoNicki.Shewantstohelp.”
Heputhisheadinhishands,andthehairdresserlookedatmequestioningly.Imadeasignfortwominutes.Whenshe’dleft,Itookherseatoppositehim.
“Whyisthissohard?”Iasked.
Dylansighedandsatbackinthechair,openinghiseyes.“Becauseitfeelsfake,Aly.EverydayofNicki’slife,shetakesphotosandmakesvideosandarrangesherlivingspaceandrentsdogsandcooksfoodshewon’teat.Allforthesenamelessbozosontheinternetwhofeelliketheyhavearighttoher.AndnowI’mgoingtobepartofthat.”
“Youknowhowtodothis,Dylan,”Isaidsoftly.“Youknowhowtobethemostcharming,affablepersonintheroom,howtogivepeoplewhattheywant,whattheyexpect.Howtomakethemloveyou.”
HegavemealookIcouldn’tdecipher.“Well,Ilearnedfromthebest.”
Ifeltasharppaininmychestandtriednottoletitshow.
“It’sjustanextensionofthat.It’snotalie,it’sjust…presentingthepartsofyoutheywanttosee.”
“Curating,”hesaidsoftly.
“Ijustwantedtomakeanappthatwouldhelppeople.AndIwantmyteamtobewellpaidfortheirtime,sowecankeepdoingit.It’sthefirstthingI’vemadethathasanyvalue,Aly.TheonlythingI’mputtingoutintotheworld.Weworkedreallyfuckinghardonthis,andallit’sworthisathree-minutevideoaspartofNicki’slife,becausewe’redating?”
Itookabreathandjustlookedathim,ourkneesalmosttouchingasheranahandthroughhishairagainandthenwincedatthetextureofthegelthey’dputin.Ilaughed.
“Youknow,that’sthemosthonestyou’vebeenwithmesincewemetagain,”Isaid.
Dylangavemealook,asifhethoughtIwastryingtotellhimsomethingelse.Whateveritwas,hedidn’tseemtofindit.
“Probablybestnottogodownthatrouterightnow,”hesaidquietly,lookingdownathishands.
“Okay,sofocusingonthehereandnow:YoutrustthatIwantthisapptosucceed,right?ThatIwanteverykidwhoneedsaccesstocounselingtoreachit,inwhateverformtheyprefer?ThatIbelieveinwhatyouandBenandPriyahavebuilt?”
“Sure.”Heshrugged.
“AndyoutrustthatI’mgoodatmyjobandIknowmyshit?”
Helaughed.“Yes.”
“Okay,sotrustmewhenItellyouthatthisisjusthowitworks.It’snotareflectiononyou,orNicki,oryourrelationship.Ifyouweren’twithNicki,we’dbelookingatotheroptionstogetthewordout,butyouare,andshewantstohelp.Solether.Shebelievesinyou.”
Healmostlaughedbutnotquite.LikeI’dpressedonabruisewithoutmeaningto.
“Shebelievesinmypotential.Justliketheyalldid.Justlikeyoudid.”Hiseyesmetmine,andforamomentIforgothowtobreathe,thenhelookedawayanditwasgone.Dylanpulledathisshirtsleeves.“Whenwefirststarteddating,Itriedtogoalongwithit,allthesocialstuff.Butherfollowerstoremeapart.Itwasinsomeoftheglossies,too.Who’sNickislummingitwith?AstepdownfromherChelsearoots.”
Iclosedmyeyes,wincing.
“They’dtaketheseawfulphotosandcomparemetotheguysshedatedbefore.”Dylanshrugged.“That’swhyIendedupgoingtothegymsomuch,becauseIwasterrifiedthey’dkeepjudgingme.Keeplookingatherrich,business-owning,trustfundexeswiththeirSouthofFrancetansandsix-packsandkeepremindingherthatI’mnotenough.”
Ismiledgently.“ButNickidoesn’tthinkthat.Sheadoresyou.”Andthebitsshedoesn’tadore,she’spaidmetofix.
“Shesupportedmesteppingbackonsocialmediawhilstwefiguredoutwherethiswent.Sowecouldgettoknoweachother.ButIknowshewantsmetobethatperson,tobring‘valuetoherbrand.’?”
“Youbringvaluetoherlife,surelythat’smoreimportant?”
Hemetmyeyes.“Ithinkthetwoaresolinkedforher,she’snotsureanymore.Iknowweneedtodothisforthebusiness,but…NickigotusthismeetingwithSiliconValley;she’spromotingustoday;shebroughtmeyou.It’slikeeverythingIdidwasmeaninglesswithouther.”
Ihadtwooptionshere,andIdidn’tlikeeitherofthem.Icouldofferhimemptyplatitudes.OrIcouldtellthetruth.Makemyselfvulnerablelikehejusthadandhopeforthebest.
Itookabreath.“Yourememberwhenyoufailedhistory,andyourdadsaidhewasn’tdisappointedbecausehehadn’texpectedyoutopass?”
Dylanlookedatmeinsurprise,hisfeaturessofteningslightly.“Yes.”
“Andyourememberwhatyoudid?”Iprompted.
“Istudied,andIresattheexamandprovedhimwrong.”
“Yougotninety-eightpercent.Thehighestintheyear.”
“Idid.”Hegrinned.“Iguessbeingastubbornbastardpaidoff.”
“Exactly.That’stheguyIneednow.Theguywhoknowshehaswhatittakestoprovethemallwrongandiswillingtodowhateverheneedstodoit.Theguywhousescharmlikeaweapon.”Ilookedathim.“Canyoubethatguy?”
Thesmilehegavemewasblinding.Somethingaboutitwassopure,sograteful,thatitmademewanttocry.
“IthinkIcandothat,boss.”
—
“Hi,guys!We’reonaHello!Instatakeoverlive,andweknowaftertheawardsyou’reallgoingtowanttoknowtwothingsfromourspecialguest:Whatwastheafterpartylikeandwhowasthegorgeousguyonherarm?”
TolaswitchedsoeasilyintoherworkpersonathatIalmostforgotitwasher,talkingintoherphone,beforechangingtheviewtoNickiandDylan,seatedcasuallyonthesofa,hisarmtrailingalongthetopofit,hersnuggledintohisside.
Howmuchofallthiswasagame,thewaytheylookedateachother,curledaroundeachotherwithadorationintheireyes?Andyet,thewayNickicuppedhischeekwithherhand,thewayhetangledhisfingersinherhair…thathadtobereal.Ithadtobeworthit.
“So,Dylan,whyhaven’tweseenyouonlinebeforenow?You’reabitofamysteryman!”Tolaintoned,justaswe’dplanned.
Hewavedhishandliketheideawaspreposterous.“Honestly,I’mjustreallyboring.AndIseehowmucheffortNickiputsintothis,beinghereforherfollowers,answeringtheirquestions,it’salotofwork!”Hesmiledatherwithaffection,squeezinghershoulders.
“Andwhataboutyourwork?”Okay,herewego.
“Well,I’manappdeveloper—mycompanyiscalledEasterEggDevelopmentandwe’reworkingonsomethingbigaroundmentalhealthrightnow.Wereallywanttohelpasmanypeopleaswecan,otherwisewhat’sthepointofitall?”
IgaveDylanathumbs-up,andhenoddedatme.
“Andwhat’syourfavoritethingaboutNicki?”Tolaasked,andDylanfroze.Hehiditprettywell,turningtolookatherwithasmileonhisface,butIcouldsensethepanic.
“Iguess…whenshe’shavingabadday,she’llmakepancakesandpilethemupwithwhippedcreamandnoteventakeaphotobeforedivingin.Shejustreallyenjoysthisthingshe’smade.Ilovethat.AndIlovepancakes!”Hesmiledwinningly,andTola“awwed”appropriately,butIsawNicki’sfacetighten.
“Andwhataboutyou,Nicki?WhatdoyouloveaboutDylan?”
“Oh,he’sjustsofun”—Nickismiledathim—“andhealwaysputsmefirst.Bookingweekendsawayandholidaysandstufftohelpmechillout.He’salwayslookingafterme.WhiskedmeawaytoBarbadoslastyear!”
“Andhe’sstillpayingitoff,”Bensaidquietlyinmyear.
TolamovedontoNicki’sfavoritetrendsrightnow,andDylanjustsatandlookedattentive.Icouldtellhewasrelieved.
Tolaendedthechat,taggingabunchofaccountsforcross-promo.JustasDylanwasgettingup,shesaid,“Holdon,weneedaphotoforthegrid.Lookallcuteandcoupley!”
DylanwrappedhisarmsaroundNicki,pullingherinclose,andshelookedathimwithsuchadorationthatIwasleftspinning.Onethingcouldn’tbedenied:theylookedperfecttogether.Abeautifulcouple.Twoshiny,sparklypeople.
Butwhentheygotup,Nickiturnedonhim.“Ican’tbelieveyousaidthataboutthepancakes!”
“What?”Hehalfsmiled,asifhethoughtshewasjoking.“Itismyfavoritething!It’stheonlythingyoueatthatyoudon’ttakeaphotoof!”
“That’sbecauseI’mmeanttobeonadairy-andgluten-freediet!Theyaregoingtoskewermeforthis!IknewIshouldhavegivenyouapreapprovedlistofanswers!”
Dylanfrowned.“Ithoughtwewerebeingauthentic?”
Nickiclosedhereyesasifshewasaskingforstrength.“Ihaveamultimillion-poundbrand,Dylan.Itdependsonmehittingcertaindemographics.It’sjustbusiness.”
“Apologies,Ishouldhavechosenamorebusiness-alignedthingtoloveaboutyou,”hesaidstifflyandgavemeabrieflookbeforewalkingoff.
Nickiturnedtomeandthrewupherhands,asiftoask,Shouldn’tyoubefixingthis?
TolashotmeaconcernedlookasNickiwalkedofftogetagreenjuicefromherfridge,andIwonderedifweweremakingaterriblemistake.THIRTEEN
“AndthenItoldhimIdidn’tdeservethis,andthatheneededtoapologize,”MamasaidasIwassortingmylaundry,phoneonspeakeronthesideofmysofa.I’dhadanexhaustingdayandthelastthingIneededrightnowwasmoreparentaldrama.Butatthemoment,mymotherwasonahighfromdemandingeventhemostbasicrespectfrommyfather
“Goodforyou,”Isaid,thenpaused.“Anddidyoutalktohimaboutthehouse?”
Silence.
“Mama,Idon’twanttopush,but…”
“You’reright,you’reright,ofcourse.Youneedtoknowifheagreestothemoneyyou’veoffered,Iknow,sweetheart.AndIsoappreciatewhatyou’redoingforme.Forus.”
Which“us”wasshetalkingabout?Meandher,orherandhim?Shedidn’twanttoaskmehowIwasgettingthemoney,shedidn’twanttoknowifIwasdrainingallmysavings.Shejustwantedtheproblemsolved.
“Oh,IsawDylaninthemagazinesatthesupermarket!”Mamasaid,redirectingtheconversationsomewherelessdangerous.“Wasthatyourwork,clevergirl?Surelythey’llhavetogiveyouthatpromotionnow.”
“Maybe,”Isaidlightly,“itsoundslikeI’mnearlythere.”
Mymotherpaused.“Doyouthinkifyoudon’tgetit,it’sworthlookingsomewhereelse,darling?You’vespentsomanyyearsofkillingyourselfforthiscompany.Workisyourwholelife.Howareyougoingtomeetanyone?Howareyougoingtogetthechancetofallinlove?”
Myfirstthoughtwas,Ifitlookslikewhatyouhave,no,thankyou.ButIcouldn’ttellherthat.
ButIdidn’tsayanything.IcalledTolaanddrankaglassofredwinewhilstshefilledmeinontheimpactofthesocialtakeover.Thousandsofnewfollowers,theupdatedwebsitehadnewhits,andTolahadevensetupawayofsigninguptestersfortheapp,sothey’dhavereal-worlddatatotaketothepitch.Shewassogoodatthis.AndshewaswillingtotakemorerisksthanIwas.Shecouldbesomuchmorethanthis.
“HaveyougivenanymorethoughtaboutusmakingtheFixerUpperarealbusiness?Makingitsomethingmore?”sheasked,andIjustsighed.
“Yeah,yeah,Iknowyouwantyourtitleandyourpensionandapatontheheadfromamanatthetoptable.”Icouldhearherrollinghereyes,frustratedwithmylackofvision.Ididn’twanttotakearisk,thatwasall.Ihadaplan,Iwasstickingtoit.“Butyoucouldbethemanatthetoptable.”
“Iwanttobeheadofbranding.”Iheardmymother’svoice:Workisyourwholelife.Butitwastheonlypartofmylifethatwasnicelyordered,thatmademefeellikeIhadeverythingtogether.Iwasgoodatwork.BeyondtheFixerUpper,therestofmylifedidn’tworklikethat.Lovedidn’tworklikethat.
“YoucanbeSuperHighSorceressofBrandingforallIcare,”shehuffedatme.“Thinkbigger.”
ShehungupbeforeIcouldargueanyfurther,andIdidn’tblameher.
I’dhadaveryclearideaofwhatmylifewasgoingtolooklike—Iwasgoingtogetthebrandingjobandthemoneythatcamewithit.Iwasgoingtoberespectedbymycolleagues,Iwasgoingtopushforcreativity,andIwasgoingtobringuptheotherwomeninthecompany.Thesmartoneswhogotoverlookedinthefaceofloud,ballsyincompetence.Iwasgoingtobuyacutelittleground-floorflatwithagardenandgivethefingertoeveryonewhosaidyouhadtobeacoupletobuy.Andthen…
Well,afterthatitgotabithardertosee.Thathadbeenmygoalforsomanyyears,Iwasn’treallysurewhatcamenext.Puttingtheeffortintomeetingsomeonewhodidn’tneedfixing,Iguess.SomeoneIcouldtakehomeformymothertofawnover.SomeoneIcouldtrusttolookatmyfucked-upfamilyandnotjudgethem,orme.
IhadatextfromEric,ablurryphotoofsometapasonatable.Onadate!
Ilaughedandreplied:You’realwaysonadate.
Theresponsewasimmediate.
Notlikethisone.Thisistherealthing.x
Ismiledtomyself.
JustasIwascrawlingintobedtowatchTVandfallasleepwithmyfaceinabowloficecream,thephonerang.Iassumeditwouldbemymotheragain,butitwasn’ther.
ItwasDylan.
“Hi,”Isaid,surprised.“Iseverythingokay?”
Hecoughedawkwardly.“Hi,um,yeah.Ijustwantedtosaythankyoufortoday.Iguessyousawallthenumbers?Benwaslosinghismind.Priya’sspenttheeveningmockinguptestenvironmentsandsendingmetextmessagesinallcapitals.It’sthehappiestthey’vebeeninages.”
“Andhowaboutyou?”Iasked,snugglingunderthecovers.Curledupinbed,Dylanontheotherendofthephone,thiswaslikeajumpbackintime.
“I’mpleased,obviously.It’sall…happening.”
“Hmm,”Isaid.
Whenwewerefifteen,Dylangotacceptedtoanationalartshow,andhe’dspentweeksworkingonhisfinalpiece,puttingeveryspareminuteintoit.Thedaybeforehewasmeanttodeliverittotheexhibition,itwasfounddestroyedintheartroom.TheheadteacherwashorrifiedandgaveDylansuchaheartfeltapology.Theythoughtitwasabunchofyounger-yearkidsmessingaround,butIknew.Dylandidn’thandlepressure.Andhe’drathermissoutthanriskfailing.Whichwasprobablywhyhisstart-uphadbeenstallingoutforalltheseyears.
“What,hmm?”hedemanded,andIlaughed.
“Mighthavefooledeveryoneelsewiththatsmile,butyoudon’tfoolme,”Isaidsoftly.
“Ithinkthat’smyline,”hereplied,tonematchingmine.Ididn’tlikehowmystomachflippedwhenhewhispered.
“HowwaseverythingwithNicki?”Iswitchedtackbeforethisgottoomessyandheardhimsigh.
“Shegotajournalisttogiveherafrontpageononeoftheglossiesrevealingheremotionaleatinghabits.Theygetanutritionisttoassessherdietandtellherwhattoeatinstead.She’llbeswitchingthepancakesforbananaproteinwaffles.Orsomething.”
“Wow.”Genius,really.
“Shesaidshe’snotmadatme,thatit’sherfaultfornotexplaininghowthisallworks.”HepausedforsolongthatIwonderedifhewasstillthere.“Whatdoesthatsayaboutme,thatthethingIlovemostaboutsomeoneisthethingtheywanttohidefromtheworld?”
Isnorted.“Dylan,itwasn’taboutthepancakes.Thepancakeswerejustsomethingshedidwithoutpretense,notshowntoherfollowers,somethingrealshesharedonlywithyou.”
Hemadea“huh”soundthatItooktomeanourtentativetrucewasstillinplace.
“AndI’mguessingyouapologized,too?”
Icouldhearthesmileinhisvoice.“Whatdoyouthink,Aresti?”
“Ithinkyouprobablysentherapainfullyhugebouquetofherfavoriteflowers,tookherhand,andlookedintohereyesasyougaveaheartfeltapologyandthenmadethedisgustingbananawafflethingsforhertoshowyouunderstandher.”Iwaited.“HowmanydidIget?”
“Spot-on,”helaughed,“butIputwhippedcreamonthewaffles.”
“Ofcourse,rulebreaker.”
“Well,Itakemyroleasleadingmanveryseriously,”hesaid,butasthelaughterstartedtoseepfromhiswords,westayedontheline,lettingthesilencesitbetweenus.
“Dylan?”Iwhisperedeventually.“Areyoustillthere?”
Herepliedinawhisper.“JusttryingtofigureoutifIfellthroughsomesortofwormholebacktotheearly2000s.Thisallfeelsveryfamiliar.”
Mychesttightenedintoaknot,tiedwithabow.
IfIdidn’tacknowledgeit,wedidn’thavetohavetheconversation.He’dstartedthisgameofpretend,butitwaseasierthatway.BecauseifheaskedmewhyIleft,I’dhavetoaskhimaboutthatnight,I’dhavetorememberthathehadn’tbeenwhoIthoughthewas.Rightnow,Ijustneededhimtobeaproject.Hewasn’tDylanJames,theboyI’donceloved.Hejusthadtobesomethingnecessarytosortout,soIcouldsavemymother’shome.ThatwastheonlywayIcouldjustifyittomyself.
Westayedsilentonthephoneforwhatfeltlikeaneternity,whilstIpulledthatwallup,painfullyputtingeachbrickinplace,stampingdownonthosememories.
“I’llspeaktoyoutomorrow,Mr.James.”
“Goodnight,MissAresti.”
—
Iwoketomyphoneringingatfivea.m.
“Hello?”Icroaked,myheartracingandalreadyconjuringthoughtsoftheworst.
“How’smyfavoritelittleromanceguru?”Nickicrowed,andIheldthephonealittlefartherawayfrommyears.“Ididn’twakeyou,didI?”
“Oh,no,Iwasupdoingmysunsalutationanddrinkingmygreenjuice,”IsaidasIslippedonmyagingdressinggownwiththecrocodilesandshuffledtoputthekettleon.“What’sup?”
“Well,Dylan,obviously,it’sDylan.”
“IthoughttheInstatakeoverwentsowell,didn’tyou?Anditlookslikethecouplesphotohadgreatengagement.Yourfanslovehim.”IkeptmyvoiceencouragingbecauseitwascleartheKLPwasnotahappykitty.
“Yeah,thatpartalllooksgood.Andhe’sagreedtosmileintothecamerawhenI’mdoingmything.He’llwavelikealittlenerd.Hetookaselfieinbedwithmethismorning.He’sneverdonethatbefore.”
Ihadn’trealizedhe’dbeenatherslastnightonthephone.Forsomereasonthatmademystomachcontract.
Itriedtoerasethatvision,thetwoofthem,curleduptogetherlaughingwithoutanyoftherealities,likemorningbreathorcoldfeetorfartingunderthecovers.Justpictureperfect.
“Sowhat’stheproblem?Soundslikehe’stryingreallyhard.”IputheronspeakersoIcouldstalkhersocialmediafeed.
“Yes,thankfullyhemadeupforthatdebaclewiththepancakes!Imagine,allthethingsI’veachieved,andhelikedthatIusedtostuffpancakesinmyfacewhennoonewaslooking!”Herlaughterwashigh,likeoneofthosebellsaboveshopentrances—warning:attentionneeded
“ThankfullyI’vebeenworkingwithDr.Karen,anutritionist,tohelpmedealwithmycravingsandemotionaleating.She’sanabsolutegenius.”
Ithadbeenlessthantwenty-fourhoursandalreadyshe’dcraftedthisintoanewnarrative.Herteamwereimpressive.
“Itlookslikehe’sreallymakinganeffortwiththesocialmediathing,we’reontherighttrack.Andtheprepforthepresentationhascomealongsowell,”Itrilled,fearingsomesortofissuewasgoingtoarise.
“Well,thethingis…”Thereitis.“Ijustthinkhe’ssobusyworkingonthepresentationhe’snotgoingtofeelromanticenoughtopropose,youknow?Menjustcan’tmultitasklikewomencan.”
“Butwe…he’sliterallydoingeverythingyouaskedfor.He’smoreinvolvedonsocialmedia,he’sworkingonpitchinghisbusiness,beingsuccessful.Hewenttoyourevent…”Itrailedoff.“We’reontrack.”
“Andwhatabouttheproposal?”
Icringed.Evenhearinghersayitsoundedawful.Sodemanding,likeIwasrefusingtosellherapairofshoesshethoughtshedeserved,eveniftheyweren’tinhersize.
“Didyouseethatphoto,howhelookedatyou,howheheldyou?That’sromance!Mostpeoplewouldkillforthat!”Itrilled,allenthusiasm.Givemeafuckingchance,lady.I’mahustler,notamiracleworker.
Nickisighed.“He…there’sthingshedoesn’tshare.AndIshareeverything!”Exceptforthefactthatyou’repayingtofixhim.
“Well,maybethat’spartofit.Heprobablylikesthepartsthatareonlyhis,thepartsofyouhedoesn’thavetoshare…Nicki,wearegettingshitdone,okay?Youdon’thavetoworryaboutathing,weareonthis.”
“Iknow,Ihavecompletefaith.Ijustwish…Iwishtherewasmoretimeforromanceinallofthis.”
Iwasgoingtomurderthiswoman.Thiswashowmycareerended,notwithaburnout-inducedbreakdown,butshakingNicoletteWetherington-Smythe,yellingwhatdoyouactuallywant?untiltheylockedmeaway.
“Didn’thesendyouflowersandmakeyoufood?”Iasked,andhervoicetookonahardtone.
“Hetoldyou?”
“Hedid.”
Aweirdsilencehungintheair,andIfelttheneedtoapologizebutheldmyground.
“Well,Iknowthatsortofthingmightimpresstheaveragewoman,butforme,gettingflowersisjustanotherTuesday,youknow?Irequirealittlemoreva-va-voomformygrandgestures.Maybekeepthatinmindwhenitcomestotheproposal.”
Atthismoment,Iabsolutelyhatedher.
“Nicki,ifyou’drathertakemyoriginaladviceandorganizeaproposalwithsomeonewhohastheirownteamofassistantsandagentandPRcompanytomakeitaneventthat’llsellpapers,thenyoujustletmeknow.”
“Don’tberidiculous.”Hertonewasbreezyagain,andIstartedtowonderifI’dimaginedthatcoldnessaltogether.“Just…encouragehimtothinkbig,right?Abigpublicdeclarationoflove.”
“WithadecentInstagrammablebackdrop?”
“You’regettingit,”shesaid.“I’llcheckinsoon.”Pleasedon’t.“I’vegotapreliminarymeetingwithCelebrityWeddingWarsnextweek,andtheyalreadysaidtheyloveourcoloringtogether.Theycanreallyvisualize,like,awinter-themedwedding,allcoolcolorsandicebars.Abigsculptureofapolarbear,canyouimagine?!”
ForDylan,whosoakedupthesunlikeabattery,hisskinturningcaramelatthefirsttouchofsunshine?Whohadbookedupoursummerweekendswithcampingtrips,festivals,anddaysonthebeachwiththesoleaimofsmilingattheskyandgettingatan,quietlybeggingsummertoneverend?Awinterweddingforthatman?
Idownedtherestofmycoffee,andthoughtonlyofmymother’sdrawnface,myfather’ssmuggrin.
“I’llseewhatIcando.”FOURTEEN
Ihadtoadmitittomyselfifnooneelse:thepressurewasgettingtome.Nickisendingmephotosofwinterweddingthemes,Dylanemailingaboutwhetherweneededtoaddtwomoreslidestothepresentation.BenaskingifEriclikedoldmovies.EricaskingifBenhadsaidanythingabouthim.Felixaskingwhymyreportsweren’tsubmittedearlyandwhyIhadn’tbroughthimnewideastosupportteammorale,likeInormallydideverymonthevenwhentheywereignored.HunteraskingwhyIlookedtired.Matthewaskingmyopiniononeverysingletinydecisionhemade,likeadogafraidofthepostman.
AndthentherewasTola,silentlywonderingwhyIwassoobsessedwithajobthatclearlywasn’tfulfillingme,everydoubtshehadshowingonherface.
Ontopofitall,therewasmymother.Whowastextingandcallingandfindingeveryreasontocheckonmesoshecouldaskmeeverythingbuttheonebigquestion:Doyouhavethemoneytosavemyhome?
IsentMamatovoicemailforthesecondtimethatmorningasItriedtogetonwithmywork.Icouldn’thearaboutmyfatheranymore.Icouldn’thearhermakeexcusesasImademoreandmorequestionabledecisionstogetthismoneyforhim.
“AlyBaba!How’sitgoing?”Iclosedmyeyesandtookasecondtocomposemyself,thenIswiveledinmychair,grippingthearms.
Thegreatbiggalumphingmoronwasbackagain,withhisstyledhairandsmoothvoice.Hewantedsomething.Again.I’donlyjustfinishedredoinghislastbrief.
“Hunter.”Ipaintedasmileon.“I’mfine.Busy,butfine.Howareyou?”
Hesweptahandthroughhishair.“Actually,I’minabitofapickle,babe.”
No,nomore.Isavedyourcheatingarse,I’vedoneenough,leavemebe.
IsawTolapeeroverhercomputerscreenandgivehimadeathglare,thenawarningglancetome:Don’tyoudarehelphim.
Inoddedather.
“Well,I’msorrytohearthat.Youshouldgetaburger,”Isaid,notlookingupfrommyscreen.
Heblinked.“What?”
“You’reinapickle…they’regoodonburgers.”
“Ahar,ahar-har!”
AddHunter’slaughtothelistofterriblethings.
“Thethingis,AlyCadabra…”Hetriedagain,leaningontheedgeofmydeskandtoweringoverme,sothatIhadtostanduptoevenoutthepowerbalance.
“Thethingis,Hunter’s-actually-your-name-so-I-can’t-make-it-sillier,I’mafraidthatthistime,atthisprecisemoment,Ihavereachedmylimit.Ijustdon’tcare.”Itookadeepbreathandmethiseyes.
Hefrownedinconfusion,hisfeaturesseemingtocrumplelikehisveryexpensivehandkerchief.
Oh,crap,thiswashappening.I’dbroken.OnceI’dstarted,Icouldn’tstop.“Idon’tcarethatyoudidn’tgetaroundtoanalyzingthedatabecauseyoursisterboughtapuppy,oryouwerefeaturedintheGuardianBlindDate,oryouendedupwinningareallyintensegameofhigh-stakespoker…Idon’tcare.Ijustwantyoutodoyourjob.”
Herecoiled,allattemptsatfriendlinessnowretracted.“Well,that’snotverynice.”
“Neitherispawningyourworkoffonyourcolleaguessoyoucangoandhavebeerswiththeboys.OrmehavingtogetatraintoBirminghamtoapologizeforyoucomingontothewrongwoman.”
Hebrieflylookedabashed,butitwasgoneinaflash,likehisfacedidn’tknowhowtowearshame.Saythankyou.Saysorry.Saysomething!
“Soyou’rejust…notgoingtohelpme?”heasked,asifhetrulydidn’tunderstand.
“Nope,sorry,notthistime.”Isatdownandresumedtyping.
Hewrinkledhisforehead.“WhatifFelixwantsyouto?”
“IfFelixwantsmetoprioritizefixingyourworkaboveproducingmyown,thenhe’sgoingtohavetomeetwithmeandreorganizemycalendarsoIcanaccommodatethatontopofmyclients.IncludingthemeetingwithTeddyBellI’vegotnextweekbecauseyouweremoreinterestedinyourdickthanyourcareer.Arewedonehere?”
Ibrieflystoppedtypingtolookathim,andsawthatscowl,thatmomentmenturnedonyou.Ialmostforgotitwascoming.
“Well,there’snoneedtobesuchabitchaboutit.”
Iheldupmyhandsandmadeaface.“Apparentlythereis.Goodluckwiththereport.”
Ashetrudgedoff,mumbling,Tolapunchedherfistsintheairinsilenttriumph.Igaveherawinkandsettledbackintomywork.Imightbecollapsingunderthepressure,butlikehellwasIgoingdownwithoutdragginghimwithme.
IwatchedasHunterheadedacrosstheofficetoFelix’sdoor,andmystomachsank.Abriefmomentofvictoryanditlikelywouldn’tmatteranyway.God,Ineededarun.Orasolodeliciousmeal.Ordancingallnightwherenooneknewme,orcouldaskmeforanything,orexpectedmetobeAly-with-the-answers.
ButIdidn’thavetimeforthat.
OnmylunchbreakIrepliedtoDylanandBen,ignoredNicki,andwentforawalktoclearmyhead.Ididn’tcallmymotherback,butsentatextsayingeverythingwasbeinghandledandnottoworry.IwonderedifshethoughtIwascarryingoutabankheistormoonlightingasacallgirl.
ThefactthatIhadn’ttoldTolaandEricthetruthaboutthemoneywasworryingme,too.Sure,they’dgetacut,butnotexplainingthestakesfeltsoinherentlyunfair,likeIwastrickingthem.
Surelytheywouldunderstand,though,ifItoldthem?Butthatwouldinvolveexplainingaboutmydadandwhathe’ddonetomymum,andthey’dlookatmewithsomethinglikepity.Thislookwouldappearontheirfaces:Daddyissues,ofcourse!Theonlypathavailabletoagrownwomanwithbadrelationshiphistory.Andnooneeverblamedthedads,onlythegirlswhogotscrewedupbythem.
BythetimeIreachedtheendoftheday,Iwasexhausted,andreadytocollapseintobedwithaportionofgarlicbreadandalateninetiesrom-com.HeathLedger,singinginfrontofthewholeschool.ThatwaswhatIneeded.
“Youreadytogo?”Ericsaidatfive,lookingparticularlydashinginhissuitandslightlyridiculouswithamatchingfedora.
“Where?Why?”
“Fixingup?Amyandthewriterboy?InabouthalfanhouratHoxtonLounge?”
Isighed.Crap.
“Youforgot?”Ericfrowned.“Youneverforgetanything.”Well,youtrystartingyourdaywithacallfromanheiressworriedthatyourex–bestfriend’sromanticgesturesaren’tloudenoughandseehowyoudo.
“Evenelephantshaveoffdays,”Isaidtiredly.“Givemetenminutestofreshenupmymakeup,andI’llbemysparkliestself.”
“I’llgrabyouanenergydrinkandmeetyoudownstairs.”
“You’reanangel.”IsmiledasIgrabbedmyhandbag.
“Yep,andthenwehavethewholejourneytheretotalkaboutBen.Hislikes,hisinterests,histasteinmen.AndwhatyouthinkIcandotoavoidfuckingthisup.”
Isighed,feelingthatwearyexhaustionsettlearoundmelikeacloak.“Excellent.Can’twait.”
—
Tonight’sclientwasAmyLeyton.She’dbeenwithherboyfriend,Adam,forfouryears,allduringuni,andthey’dbeenlivingtogetherforayearsincethen.Amyhadbeenofferedaninternshipabroadforthreemonths,andAdamwasfeelingabitsensitiveaboutbeingleftbehind.He’dbeenhintingaboutgoingwithher,butshewantedtodothisforherself.Herbigjumpintoherfirstcareerrole.Shewantedtostaytogether,itwasonlythreemonths,butunderstoodifhedidn’twanttowaitforher
IfilledEricinbeforeweenteredthebar,makingsureweweren’toverheard.“They’rebothwriters.Amygotajournalisminternship.He’sdecidedthatifshewasgoingtolaunchhercareer,hewasgoingtolaunchhis.Bywritinganovel.”
Ericshrugged.“Imean,chanceinamillion,right?Butgoodlucktohim.What?”
“Theplotisthestoryofagirlwholeavesherboyfriendtogodoajournalisminternshipabroad.”
Hesnorted.“Okay,fairenough,that’showhe’sprocessing.Hecanwritewhateverhewants,it’sinhishead.”
“It’snot.”
“It’snotwhat?”
“It’snotinhishead.”Iwinced.“Hetypesitoutonyellownotecardsandpinsthemuponthewallstokeepthetimelineinorder…”
“Types,asin…”
“Old-fashionedtypewriter?Yup.”Isighed.“Andtheyliveinastudioflat.”Ipulledupthephotoonmyphone.Amyhadsentittomeearlier.Inthemiddleofthetinyroomwasabed,andthatwasit.Thewallswerecoveredinyellowscrapsofpaper,theiraggressivetypedcapitalsyellingoutanonsensicalstory
Currently,myopinionwasthatAdamwasverylikelytobeatrashbagofahumanbeing,butshelovedhim.
“Doyoueverthinkmaybethisshitshouldbedealtwithbyaprofessional?Someonewithadegree,whohasexperiencewithnarcissists?”
“I’masinglefemaleinmythirties,workinginamale-dominatedindustry.Ihaveexperiencewithnarcissists.”
“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Iguesswe’llsee!”Ipulledhimbythearmandwalkedthroughthedoor.“Youremembertheplay?”
“Oh,yeah,I’vebeenpracticingmy‘prettyboygenius’vibeforthisone.”Hegaveapout,astrangemixofangryandbored.
IcaughtsightofAdam,slouchedoveranotebookattheedgeofthebar,thewayAmysaidhealwayswasintheevenings,sinceshe’dalmostthrownthetypewriteracrosstheroom.
Wetookseatsbehindbuttotheleftofhim,closeenoughtograbhisinterest,butnotsofarbackhe’dhavetoswivelinhisseat.Lethimspyonusforabit,lethimthinkhewastheonedoingthechasing.
Weorderedtwodrinks,andIlaunchedintomyspiel.
“Darling,Iadorethenewdraft,adoreit.We’llgetitthroughcopyedits,andIthinkit’llbeoutontheshelvesbyearlynextyear,”Isaid,brieflyreferringtothenotesonmyphone.
Ericassumedaboredexpression.“Andyou’resureit’sbetterthanmylast?Idon’twanttobeembarrassedorseentobe…derivative.”
IcouldalmostfeelAdam’searsprickup.
“You?Never!”Ilaughed.“Ithinkwe’llhaveagoodchanceatfilmorTVrightsthistime.It’sjustso…visceral,youknow?Man,woman,betrayal.Howsheleaveshimattheend,himinthatlittleroom,heroutintheworld,itwaspoignant,youknow?Reallyheartfelt.Ithinkpeoplewillgetit.”
“Well,IjustwritewhatIknow.”Ericlookedupattheceiling.“Heartbreak,beingunderestimated,misunderstood.”God,dialitback,Eric,you’remeanttobeasuccessfulwriter,notaminorroyalonstageattheOldVic.
Iwiggledmyeyebrowsathim,andhislipspursed.
“Well,thatcertainlycomesacross…”Isaid.“You’reanabsolutegenius,sweetheart.There’snowayanyonewhoreadsthiscoulddoubtthat.AndIthinkwhoeversheiswhoinspiredit,she’llregrethavinggone.”
“Eh.”EricflickedanimaginarycigarettewithhisfingertipsandseemedtosuddenlydeveloptherumblingsofaFrenchaccent.“Sheneededtogrow,littleflowerthatshewas.Ihaverootshere.Treesstaywheretheyare.Theygrowupward.”
“Soverywise.”Igavehimalook,andEriclookedlikehewantedtolaugh.
IglancedatthemirroredbackwallandnoticedAdamwatchingfromthebar,soItappedmyfingersthreetimesonthetable.Ericnodded.“I’vejustgottomakeaquickcall.Youdon’tmind,doyou?”
“Ofcoursenot.Icancatchuponmyemails.”
IwatchedEricreachthedoor,openedmyphone,andcounteddowninmyhead.Four,three,two…
“Hi,there.”
IturnedwithalookofcalculatedsurpriseddelighttofindAdamhoveringattheedgeofmytable.“Hello…”
“Sorrytoeavesdrop,butitsoundedlikeyou’reinthebookbusiness?”HewaitedformetonodandthenslidintoEric’schairwithoutasking.“IonlyaskbecauseI’mwritingabook.”Youandeverybodyelse,buddy.
“Isee,andyou’dlikemy…adviceonhowtosubmitit?”Itriedtoappearpiqued.IknewIneededtobeimpressed,tosaywonderfulthingsabouthowhewasclearlytalented,butitwasdifficult.ItfeltlikeworkingwithHunter.
“I’dlikeyoutopublishit.It’sverygood.”Hegavemewhatheclearlythoughtwasawinningsmile.
“Isthatso?”Isnorted.
“IknowthatI’mgoodatwhatIdo.”Heshrugged.“Whenyou’vegotthetalentyou’vegottograbopportunitieswhentheycomealong.”
“Okay,pitchit,then.”Ilookedatmywatchandleanedmyheadonmyhand,watchinghim.“Sellmeyourstory.”
“It’saboutagirlwhohasthesehugedreams,andshewantstogooffandseetheworld,butsheleavessomeonebehind.Sortofagrass-is-greenerthing.Andthenit’shisjourneyingrowingonhisown,andherjourneybacktohim.”
Ismiled,sighinginrelief.Okay,thatsoundedlikesomeonewhowasprocessinghisrelationshipinahealthyway.
“Soit’salovestory?”
AdamlookedatmeasthoughI’djustspitinhiscoffee.“No,it’sastoryaboutjusticeandredemption.”
“Howso?”
“ThegirlisworkinginAustralia,andshegetsherarmbittenoffbyashark.Andshecomeshome,realizingshenevershouldhaveleft,andtheguyrejectsherbecauseshe’ssouglyandselfish.Andshehastolivealonewiththeweightofhermistakesfortherestofherlife.”Okay,Itakeitback.Completelylooneytunes.
“Andwhathappenstotheguy?”AsifIevenneedtoask.
“Hebecomesaveryfamousscreenwriterandwritesamovieabouther.”
“Inspired,”Isaid.Iwasgoingtohavetogooff-pistewiththisone.
“Well,whydon’tyougivemeyouremailaddress,andI’llputyouintouchwithmyassistant.Sowhenyou’rereadyyoucansubmityourfinisheddraft.”
Hesmiledlikehewasdoingmeafavorwritinghisemailaddressdown.WhenEricreturnedtofindhisseatstilltaken,hetiltedhisheadatme.Ijustsmiled.
“Pleasuretalkingwithyou…”
“Adam.”
Inoddedashescarperedbacktothebar,andEricassessedme.
“Idon’tlikethatlook,”hewhispered.
“Idon’tlikethatman,”Iwhisperedbackthroughgrittedteeth.
Wefinishedourdrinks,enjoyingourtimetogether,andwhenweescapedoutintothestreet,takinginthelastofthesummerevening’swarmth,IcalledAmy.
“Hello?”
“Amy,it’sAlyssahere,wespokeyesterday.Whendoesyourinternshipstart?”
“Ileaveintwomonths.”
Ididn’tmincemywords.“Canyouleaveearlier?”
“I’msorry?”
“Leaveearlier.Goliveyourlife,haveyouradventures,anddonotwasteasecond’sthoughtonthatman.”
Shepaused.“I…uh…really?Sohe’sfine?”
“Oh,no,he’saselfisharseholewhowillforeverresentyouforputtingyourowndreamsabovehis.Don’twastetime,don’tlookback.Go.”
Ericgrinnedatme,shakinghishead.
“That’sverykind,but…Ilovehim.”
“Ofcourseyoudo,youwouldn’thavecontactedmeotherwise,”Isaidgently.“Obviously,it’syourchoice.ButAdam’sloveforyoudependsonyouputtinghimfirst.Ifyou’restilldoubting,readallthewaythroughthoseyellowcards,seehowthestoryends.”
Shewassilentforamoment,andIthoughtofallthemomentsmymotherconsideredleaving.Please,letthisbeit.
“Thankyou,”Amysaidquietly.Iknewinhervoicethenthatshe’dalreadyreadallthenotecards.Shejustneededsomeonetotellheritwasokaytogo
“You’rewelcome,”Isaidsoftly.“Watchoutforsharks,okay?”
Amysnorted,andIhungupthephone.
IsmiledatEricaswewalkedalong,feelingasenseofrelief.
“Aly,whatthehellwasthat?Thatwasn’tthegoaloftheFixerUpper!”Ericlaughed,andIwavedawayhisconcern
Istoppedwalkingandtriedtofindthewords.“Youknowhowwe’remeanttomake-do-and-mend?Like,previousgenerationslosetheirshitatusbecausewewantsomethingshinyandnewinsteadofsomethingold?Butthinkaboutanoldtoaster.”Iheldupmyhandsashepulledaface.“Stickwithme.Youhavethisoldtoasterandyoudon’twanttogetridofit,becauseitworksfine,eventhoughitburnstheedgesofyourbreadandyouhavetokeepscrewingthecoverbackonanditonlyworksonalternateTuesdays.Butyoufeelguiltygettingridofthattoaster,eventhoughit’snotgivingyouwhatyouneed?Likeyou’reafailure.”
“Sure…?”
“Adamisthatshittytoaster.AndIamtiredofwatchingwomenstaywithegotisticalmenjustbecausetheyfeelliketheyneedabetterreasontoleavethantheirownhappiness.”
“Butaren’twemeanttofixthefixerupper?”
“Youcanonlyfixdecentrawmaterials.Idon’tfixuprubbish.Weneedtogivethempermissiontoleave—letthemknowthatbeingunhappyisenoughofareasontogo.”
Ericgrinnedatme.“Ilikethissassy,girl-powerversionofyou.”
“Thanks.Metoo.”Ismiled,linkingmyarmthroughhis.“Nowtellmeallaboutyourguyproblems.”FIFTEEN
Finally,itfeltlikeIwasdoingsomethinggood.Somethinguseful.I’dstoppedbelievinginourmissiontofixpartners.Weneededtohelpthemleaveiftheydidn’tgetwhattheydeserved.Weneededtohelptheirpartnerslearntobemoreactiveparticipantsinasharedlife.Therewasgoodwecoulddo,withoutdemonizingmen.IstartedtogetwhatTolawassaying.
ButwithNicki,IfeltlikewewerebeingpaidbyaspoiledwomantocarveMichelangelo’sDavidoutofanalreadyperfectlylovelystatue.Itdidn’tfeellikehelping,itfeltlikedestroying.
Andeverymessageshesent,everytimeIvisualizedDylanstandinginadesignertux,smilingoutfromaweddingshootforHello!orOK!,Ifeltworse.IwasstartingtoworrythatIwasactuallythebadguyinthisstory.
TheadvantageofmyblisteringmoraldilemmawasthatIkeptmyheaddownandworkedmybehindoff.I’dhadnomoredistractionsorrequestsfromHunter;IhadhappyclientsandonepitchinparticularthatIthoughtmightwinanaward.Matthewkeptupwithhisquestions,buthewassoappreciative—droppingoffcupsofcoffeeandfancyslicesofcake—thatIdidn’treallymind.Hecalledmehismentor,anditmademefeelvalued.Useful.
AllIwaswaitingforwasmy“patonthehead,”asTolahadcalledit.Proofthatmyworkhadbeenrecognized.
SowhenIsaweveryonegatheringoverononesideoftheoffice,Ifigureditwouldbegoodnews.Icouldn’tseeabirthdaycake,andFelixhatedhavingtomakeannouncements.Heusuallygotmetodoit.IfIwaslucky,Hunterhaddecidedhecouldn’tcarryonwithoutmedoingmostofhisworkandhadgottenajobinDaddy’scompany.Thatwouldbeperfect.
TolaandEricnudgedtheirwaythroughtostandoneithersideofme,andItiltedmyhead.
“Betsonwhatthisisabout?”
“Someone’sbeennickingallthecoffeepodsagain?”Ericshrugged.
“Maybewe’repartofsomebig,corporatetakeover!”Tolashookhershoulders,andIrealizedjusthowboredshemustbehereifshewashopingforchaos.Changeatanycost.“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Leavingorpromotion,gottabe.”IshutupasFelixcameoutofhisoffice,mouthinathinline.Iftherewereredundancies,I’dknowaboutit,right?
“MaybeactuallytakingsomeholidayhasshownFelixhebettervalueyounow,beforeyouwalkawaytosomethingbetter?”Ericoffered.“Beingunavailableisthebestwaytomakethemwantyou!”
IshookmyheadandfocusedonFelix,desperatelyhopingthatmightbetrue.Please.
“Morning,everyone,hatetointerrupt,justaquickthing,really.”Felixtuggedononesideofhismustache.“HereatAmoraweliketorewardhardworkanddedication,andsooneofyourteammateswillbesteppingupintoanewrole,especiallycreatedtofocusonbuildingourclients’brandsaswellastheirrevenue.Thisnewrolewilloverseethecreationofbrandguidelinesandstrategiestoprotectagainstanyissuesforourclients.”
Holyshit,it’sfinallyhappening.Tolagrabbedmyhandandsqueezed.
“Thisisit!”Ericwhisperedinmyear.
“Yournewheadofbrandingisoneofthehardestworkersinthisofficeandisdefinitelyoneofthefriendliestamongus!”Felix’slipstwitchedinasmile.“Solet’sallputourhandstogetherforMatthew—congratulations!”
Ifroze.Tolamuttered,“What?”Ericmovedinalittlecloser,asiftryingtoprotectme.OrperhapstostopmefromrunningacrosstheofficeandroundhousekickingFelix’sheadoff.
MatthewsmiledashewalkedovertoFelixandshookhishand,andthengaveanoddlittlewavetohiscolleagues.Matthew.Matthew,whocouldn’tmakeadecisiononanything?Matthew,whoI’dhadtostopfromusingComicSansonprofessionaldocuments…multipletimes?EvenHunterlookedperturbed.
“I…Ijustwantedtosaythankssomuchfortheopportunity,andIwon’tletyoudown.AndthankyoutoAly,who’sreallyhelpedmeasI’vebeenpreparingforthisrole.”Hegavemeawinningsmile.“She’sbeenherethelongest,andI’vereallylearnedalotfromher.”
Inodded,puzzled.Thetwenty-five-year-oldthatI’dtrained,thatIhand-heldthrougheverydecision,wasgoingtobemyboss?
IraisedaneyebrowatFelix,whoavoidedmygaze,andIlookedaroundtofindalltheothersequallyconfused.ButtheysmiledandcongratulatedMatthewandtalkedaboutgoingtothepubafterwork.
Aspeoplestartedtodisperse,Iwalkedbacktomydeskandfellbackintomychair,staringatmyscreenbutnotreallyseeingit.Allthoseyears,allthatextrawork,thoseextrahours.Itriedtotakeastepback:MaybeMatthewdeservedit,maybehe’ddonebrilliantwork.Hecertainlylovedhisjobandtriedhard.But…he’dbarelybeen
AndIhadn’tevenbeentoldtheinterviewshadhappened…Ihadn’tbeengivenachance.
ItwaslikeFelixwaslaughingatme.
“Thisisafuckingjoke,”Ericsaidovermyshoulder.
“Like,seriously?NoshadetoMatthew,he’sniceandall,butthemanwouldspendfiveminutesdebatingwhichendofapenciltoputinthesharpener.You’vedonealmostallhiswork!”Tolahissedatme.
“Ididn’tdohiswork,Ihelpedhim.”
“Aly.”Ericraisedaneyebrow,toweringoverme.“Comeonnow.YouFixerUpper–edhim!Youguidedandtrainedandencouraged,andeventhoughhe’sstillprettyuseless,hegotthejobyou’remeanttohave!”
Iclosedmyeyesandranthroughthelastyear.Allhisquestions,allmysupportandadvice.ThearticlesIsenthim,andthepracticepresentationsIwentthrough.I’dfixedhimupandIhadn’tevenmeantto.
Ikeptmyeyesclosed.“Fuck.”
Ifeltmychairswivel,andopenedmyeyesinalarm,seeingTolaalmostvibratingwithrage.“Aly,yougointhereandtalktoFelix,becausethisisafuckingjoke.Heasgoodaspromisedthatjobtoyou.”
IlookedoveratthethrongaroundMatthew,thenwhispered,“WhatamImeanttodo,gointherecrying‘butyousaid!’?It’lllookunprofessional.IftheywanttohireMatthew,thentheycan.That’stheirchoice.”
“Aly,youwrotethejobspec,”Tolasaidslowly,leaningdownsoIcouldn’tescapeeyecontact.“Iftherewaseveratimetoloseyourshit,thiswouldbeit.”
“WhataboutfixingtheTeddyBellfiasco?”Ericsupplied.“Comeon,Aly,growapair.”
Tolalaughed.“Iagreewiththesentimentbutdonotapprovethelanguage.”
Itookabreath,adoptedacalmtoneofvoice,andsmiled.“Look,guys,it’s…”
AndthenIcaughtFelix’seyeacrosstheroom,andIcouldn’ttellifhewasafraidofme,embarrassed,orsmirking,butsuddenlyIwastheangriestIhadeverbeeninmylife.
“Ifyousayfine…”Tolastarted.
“No,youknowwhat?It’snotfine.”Istoodup,headingovertoFelix’soffice.“Itisnotfineatall.”
“Yes!”Ericpunchedtheair.“Alyfightsforherselfinsteadofothers!Win!”
“Goandriptheshitoutofhim,babe.”Tolanodded,encouraging,pickingupmylipstickfrommydeskandthrowingitovertome.Orange-redandreadyforanything.
Igraspeditlikeatalisman,pausingtoreapplyinthereflectivewindowofFelix’soffice.
Givehimhell,Itoldmyreflection.
WhenIopenedthedoorwithoutknocking,Felixhelduphishands,standingbehindhisdesk.Healreadylookedexhausted.“Comeon,Aly.Don’tstartwithmehere.”
Iclosedthedoorbehindme,physicallyvibratingwithrage,andsimplystood,handsclaspedgentlyinfrontofme.
“Ijustthoughtitwouldbegreattohavealittletalk.”
“Idon’thavetoexplainmyhiringpracticestoyou,I’myoursuperior.”
Ifrownedinsurprise,tiltingmyhead.Felixhadalwayscalledhimselfmymentor.He’dbeenmybiggestsupporter.Hewasalwaysfindingopportunitiesformetoshowmyworth,toproveIwas.
“WasIevenintherunningfortherole?”Isaidquietly.“Orwasitjustawaytokeepmedoingmorework,stayingmotivated,cleaningupeveryoneelse’smesses?”
“Oh,okay,soI’vetrickedyouintodoingyourjob,isthatit?Getagrip,Alyssa,”Felixhuffed,leaningonhisdesklikehewastryingtointimidateme.“Yougoingtogetallemotionalnow,cryandtellmeit’snotfair?BecauseIdon’twanttohearit.”
“Matthewhasonlybeenhereayear,”Isaidcalmly.“Ijustwanttoknowhowhecouldhaveimpressedyouthatmuch,whenheisstilllearningabouttheindustry.AndI’dbeinterestedtoknowwhentheinterviewswere,seeingasInevergotthechancetoputmyselfforward.”
“Thinkofitmoreasapromotion,aroleparticularlydesignedforMatthew’sstrengths.”
“It’satitleandjobdescriptionIwrote,basedontheneedforitinthisoffice,”Icounteredsharply.
“See,thisiswhatImean.”Felixpointedatme.“You’regettinghysterical!”
Iblinked,pausingforamoment.“Hysterical?I’maskingaquestion.”
“You’renotthinkingstraight.Ifyouwere,youwouldn’tbeinherequestioningyourboss.”
Itookabreathandtriedtolowermyvoice,makeitsofter.Iwasn’tshouting,orranting,Iwasjustpissedoff.Felixoncethrewapaperweightatthewallwhenwelostacontract,butsomehowthatwasn’thysteria?
“Felix,”Isaidreasonably,smileplasteredonmyface.“You’vebeenmymentorforyears;yousaidIwasintherunning.Iwasjusthopingtogetsomefeedback.SoIknowwhattoworkonfordowntheline.”
Felixscannedmyfaceforatraceofanger,oflooseemotion,checkingmyfistsweren’tclenchedandmyteethweren’tgrinding.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimplaythe“crazyfemale”card.Nottoday.
Hefellintohischairlikehewasrelieved,andhisvoicetookonthatsoft,encouragingtoneIknewsowellfromthelastfewmonths.Hewastryingtogetmebackonside.“Youneedtostoptakingthingssopersonally.”
Iwasgoingtoexplode,butInodded,sittingdown.“SohowdidMatthewedgemeout?SoIcanknowwhattoworkon.”
“Well,he’sjustsolikable,Aly,youknowhowitis.Weneedsomeoneinchargethattheothersrespectandlookupto.AndtheBigBossknowsMatthew,heseespotentialinhim.They’vedevelopedarapport,sohesuggestedhe’dbeagoodfitfortherole.”
“Oh,wow,okay,howdoesheknowMatthew?”Ikeptmyfacecarefullyneutral,myvoicelightandfriendly,asifwewerejustchatting.Iwasmentallybegginghimtosay,Hesawhimaroundtheoffice,they’vechatted,hewasimpressed.Thatwouldbeannoying,butIcouldlivewithit.
“Well,um.”Felixtuggedathismustache.“Matthewishisgodson,actually.Hereallywantedtohelphiminfindingacareerpath.AndMatthewonlyhaswonderfulthingstosayaboutyou,Aly,soIdon’tthinkthisjealousylooksgoodonyou.Makesyoulookspiteful,youknow?”
Ifeltmyjawphysicallydrop.WasIlivinginsomesortofalternateuniversehere?
“Besides,theworkhedidontheDigitalPhotographyConferencewasexcellent—itincreasedbrandrecallbytwenty-sixpercent.”Felixshrugged.“You’vegottaadmit,it’simpressive.”
Iblinked.“OfcourseIagreeit’simpressive,itwasmycampaign.”
Felixlookedatme,almostpitying.“Don’tdothis,kid,it’sembarrassing.”
Ileanedin.“You’retellingmeyoucouldn’ttellthatIwrotethatreport?Youcouldn’ttellthatwasmyidea?ThesameframeworkforthecampaignthatIdesignedfouryearsagoonmyfirstsoloproject?Areyouevenpayingattentionhere,Felix?”
“Ifyou’reaccusingMatthewofplagiarism—”
“I’mnot,Ihelpedhim.”
“Good—”hestarted.
“I’maccusingyouofnotseeingwhat’srightinfrontofyou.”
“Thisisbeneathyou,andquitefrankly,Idon’thavetimeforanymoreofyournonsense,”Felixsnapped.“Look,ifyouwantabettershotnexttime,it’snotjustthepaperwork.You’vegottobehere.”
“I’mhere,I’malwayshere!”Iyelped.“Foryears,I’vehadnolife,becausemylifehasbeenthisplace.I’mtheoneworkinglateonFridaynights,missingoutonthetripstothepub,checkingeveryone’swork!”
“Maybebefore,sure,”Felixagreed,“buttheselastfewmonths?Theselastweeksinparticular,you’retakingdaysoff,you’realwayschattingwithyourfriends,you’releavingatdead-onfiveo’clock.Idon’tknowifyou’resettingupyourownagency—”
“No!”
“—orwhat,butyourfocushasn’tbeenhere,Aly,itjusthasn’t.”
Hethrewhishandsupasiftoletmeargue,buttherewasnothingIcouldsay.Itwastrue.TheFixerUpperhadmademetakemyeyeofftheball.IwasspendingsomuchtimeworryingaboutDylan’scareerthatI’dstoppedworryingaboutmyown.
I’dthrownawayeverythingI’dbeenworkingtoward.
Ididn’tknowifIwasmoreangryatDylanormyparents,orTola,ormyself.Definitelymyself.Well,thatwasit.Asmallvoicesaid,Well,atleastitwasn’tHunter.
IlookedatFelix,feelingmyselfshutdownemotionally,pullingbackanythingthathecouldclingto.Noemotion,nofriendliness,noexcuses.
“Thankyouforyourfeedbackinthismatter.”
Iturnedaroundwithoutwaitingforaresponseandwalkedbackintotheoffice,pullingasmallsmileontomyfacelikeashroud.Isatdownatmydeskandfocusedonmyscreen,whenIfeltTolaandErichoveringatmyside.
“Ican’tdothisnow,”Isaidoutofthecornerofmymouth,notlookingup.“FelixiswatchingandifIshowoneshredofweakness,I’mdone.”PlusI’mangryatyou.Noneofthiswouldhavehappenedifyouguyshadn’tdraggedmeintothis.
“Oh,Aly,”Ericstarted,butIstoppedhim.
“Pleasedon’tbekindtomerightnow,Ican’ttakeit.”
“Okay,”Tolarelented,backingaway,“butdrinksafterwork?”
Inodded,notlookingup,notbreathinguntilthey’dgone.Andthenmyphonerang.Mama.Icouldn’tfaceit,sendingitstraighttovoicemail.Butshecalledagain.Whenmyphonerangforthethirdtime,Iansweredharshly,“Look,I’msorry,butthisreallyisn’tagoodtimerightnow.”
“Thenwhydidyouanswerthecall?”amalevoiceasked,quizzical.IlookeddownatmyphoneinshockandsawDylan’sname.
“Hi,sorry,Ithoughtyouweremymother.”
“Mywatermelonmargaritasarenotthatgood,andmykaraokeskillsareprettypitiful,”hesaidcheerfully,andIwonderedifhe’drealizedhowmuchhe’djustgivenaway,orifhewasn’tplayingourgameanymore.“Anyway,justcheckingwewerestillontogothroughthepresentationtonight?”
Iclosedmyeyes.“Oh,shit…”
“Youforgot?Youneverforgetanything.”
“Iam…”Itookashakybreath,“I’mnothavingagreatday.”
Idon’tknowwhatIexpectedfromournewfoundpeacetreaty,buthejustsaid,“I’msorrytohearthat.Whydon’twereschedulefortomorrow?”
Moretimeawayfromwork.Moretimesplittingmyfocus.God,whatanidiotIwas.
“Hello,Aly?”
“Sorry.”Ishookmyhead.“Yeah,tomorrowsoundsgood.Thankyou.Sorryfortheconfusion.”
“Areyou…areyousureyou’reokay?”
“Perfect,couldn’tbebetter!Justverybusy!”Ichirped,lookingupattheceilingtostopthetearsthatthreatened.“I’lltextyoulateraboutatime!”
Ihungupandfeltlikeanarsehole.NowIwasforgettingclientmeetings?Andhe’dactuallyseemedconcerned.Atanyothertime,itwouldhavebeenthemostnaturalthingintheworldtolethimdistractme.Tellmesomethingtrue,Dyl.TellmesomethingIdon’tknow.Tellmesomethingmagical.
Thesedays,Iwasstartingtothinkthetruthwasmoretroublethanitwasworth.
—
Ididn’twanttogoforafter-workconsolationdrinks.Ididn’twanttoadmitthatIwasannoyedabouttheimpacttheFixerUpperwashavingonmylife.Ididn’twanttoblameEricandTolaformakingthishappen,butasmallpartofmedid.
“Youtookholiday!You’reallowedtotakeholiday!”Tolahadyelped,orderinganotherround.“Thisismadness,Aly.You’remeanttohavealifeaswellasajob.”
Thatsoundedsomuchlikemymother:Whenareyougoingtofallinlove?Whenareyougoingtomakeyourselfcompletelyvulnerableandletsomeonedestroyyou?It’sromantic,allthissuffering,Ipromise!
Ireallymissedmygrandparents,justthen.They’dseemedtocompletelyhavelifesussed.Theyhadpurposeandloveandfamily.Workwasnevertheirmainpurpose.Theirgoalwashappiness,laughter,goodfood,andsmallmoments.Mygrandmothersangsongsassherolledthevineleavesforherkoubebia,mygrandfatherpickedorangesfromhistreesandsqueezedhisfreshorangejuice,aloud“aaaah”aftereverygulp.Maybetheylivedsmalllives,buttheyweresoawareofwhattheyhad,ofhowmuchjoytherewasinsmallmoments.
TheyneverseemedtohavethefearofbeingleftbehindIhave.Isupposesomepeoplegotthatchilled-outattitude,andsomepeoplegotwhatmymamahad:epicdestruction.
ShetriedcallingagainwhileIwasatthebar,anditwasclearmylackofavailabilitywasannoyingher.EventuallyIansweredwhilsttheothersweregettingmoredrinks,andIfeltwoozy,standingintheoutsidesmokingsection,wonderinghowIwasgoingtofunctiontomorrow.AndifIevencared.
“MAMA!”Ianswered.“I’MATWORKDRINKS!”
“SoIneedyou,andyou’reoutgettingdrunk?”
Panicshotthroughmysystem,andIthoughtImightthrowup.
“What’swrong,what’shappened?”
“Yourfatherkeepsaskingmeaboutthemoney,andIdon’tknowwhattotellhim!He’stakinghisfamilyonholidaynextweeksoheneedsatimeframe…”
Iwantedtoscream,Don’tyouseewhatthisisdoingtome?Don’tyoucare?Thisisn’tlove!
“Well,I’mverysorrynotknowingwhenhisfirstbornisgoingtocoughupherlifesavingsisgettinginthewayofhisholiday…howawfulforhim!”
“Alyssa!You’remeanttobehelpingme!”
“Andwho’shelpingme,Mama?”Ihungupbeforeshecouldreply,irritatedbeyondbelief.Iturnedmyphoneofffortherestoftheevening,unwillingtohearwhatshehadtosay.IknewI’dpayforittomorrow;she’dbehurtbymytone,andI’dapologize,andwe’dallmoveon.Thecyclewouldbeginagain.
Whenitgottoaroundninethirty,Ericgotallsquirrellyanddecidedtoslinkoff.Tolawiggledhereyebrowsandweteased,buthejustscowledatus,checkedhishairinthemirrorbehindus,andleft.Ah,Ben.Idecidedtogo,too,awarethatIdidn’treallywantthisdaytocontinueforanylongerthanitneededto.
“Nooo,wenevergettimejustthetwoofus!”Tolayelped,clingingtomyarm,butIshookmyhead.
“Gohangoutwithyouryoungfriends.TomorrowweneedtohaveadiscussionaboutallthisstuffwithDylan.I’mjust…I’mnotfeelinggoodaboutit.”
Tolatiltedherhead.“Wecanalwaysjustquit.Ifit’smakingyouunhappy?”
“Yousaiditwoulddestroyourreputation!”
TolasmiledatmelikeIwasthesilliestpersonshe’devermet.“Whatdoesourreputationmatterifitmakesyoumiserable?You’resoodd,Aly,honestly.Gogetagoodnight’ssleep.We’llfixtheworldtomorrow.”
AsIwaitedforthebus,Irealizedwecouldn’tquit—Ineededthemoney.AndIhadn’ttoldmyfriendsthat.I’djustcreatedanotherproblem.EverythinghadbeensomucheasierwhenIwaslonelyandaloofandonlyhadmyworktofocuson.WhenIdatedmenwhotookmyenergyandthenleftmebecauseIwasn’tfun.
Noonewantstodateadrillsergeant,Aly.
Whyareyoualwayslecturingme?
Stopbeinganag.
Imissedwhenmyideaofasecrethadbeengoingtorestaurantsbymyself,ratherthanbeingpaidaneye-wateringsumofmoneytoturnmyex–bestfriendintoasocialitebusinessmanKendoll.
Iturnedmyphonebackonandfoundfourvoicemailsfrommymother,whichIabsolutelywasnotgoingtolistento,andafewtextsfromDylan:
Youdidn’ttexttoreschedule.Youdoingokay?
Iclosedmyeyesbriefly,guiltcurdlinginmystomach.
Whyareyoubeingkindtomenow?I’mtryingtodestroyyou!I’manawfulmanipulativebitchwhodoesn’tevendeservethememoryofourfriendship.Atleastkeepbeingmeantometomakeitokay!
IwascallingthenumberbeforeIcouldstopmyself.
“Aly?”Hisvoicewassoft,tired.“Areyouokay?”
“Sorry!”Ihissed,wincing.“Sorry,it’slate!”
“Areyou…”Icouldhearthecurveofhissmile.“Areyoudrunk-callingaclient,AlyssaAresti?Forshame.”
“No,I’mdrunk-callinga…you.It’sdifferent.”
“Isit?”heasked,suddenlyplayful.“Howinteresting.”
“Ijustwantedtoapologizefornotreplying.Andforforgettingourmeetinginthefirstplace.Andforbeingdrunkonthiscall…”Ilookedatmywatchandwinced.“Attenp.m.Damn.”
Helaughedatthat.“Thisisveryun-Alybehavior.What’shappened,isittheendofdays?”
“Mymenteegotthejoboverme.”
“NottheonewhoshaggedBell’swife?”
Ilaughed.“Hiton,andthankfullynot.Adifferentincompetentman.Buthe’stheBigBoss’sgodson.WishI’dknownthatbeforeIbothered.”
“Officebullshitshouldcomewithsomesortofmanual.”Dylanpaused.“I’msorry,though.Itsoundedlikeyou’dbeenworkingtowardthatforaverylongtime.”
“Apatheticamountoftimewasted.Anyway,I’msorry,doyouwanttoreschedulefortomorrow?AmIinterrupting?Nickiprobablydoesn’tgetmuchdowntimewithyouandworkstuff—”
“I’matmine,”hesaid,andthesilenceafterthatwaslongenoughthatIworriedsomethingwaswrong.
“Iseverythingokay?”Iwasn’tsureifIwasaskingbecauseIhadavestedinterest,orbecauseitwasDylan.
“Sure…it’s…sure.”Icouldalmostseehimshrugging.
“Oh,comeon,youcanspinastorybetterthanthat,”Isaidlightly,asifIdidn’tcare.“I’vegotalong,boringbusridehomeandIneedsomethingtotakemyattentionawayfrommyownwoes.”
Therewassilenceforamoment,then.
“WhatdoyouthinkofNicki?”
Iwasn’texpectingthat.“Me?”
“Yeah.”
Isearchedforthewords.“Um…well,she’sdeterminedandhardworking,andshedemandswhatshewants,whichIalwaysrespectinawoman.She’sbuiltupherownbrandfromscratch,whichisreallyimpressive.IlikehertasteinshoesandIhatehertasteincocktails.”
“Oh,thecocktailthingdrivesmenuts,”Dylanlaughed.“Justlettheexpertmakethedrink,fortheloveofGod!”
“Whyareyouaskingthis,Dylan?Hassomethinghappened?”
“No,”hesaidquietly,lightasafeather.“Itwasjustsomedumbthing.ShehatesthatIwearthatSt.Christophermedalallthetime.Saysitdoesn’tgowithmyoutfits.Igotannoyed.It’ssilly.”
Hismothergavethatnecklacetohimwhenhewasakid;asfarasIknewhe’dworniteverydaysinceshe’ddied.Somepeoplehadahomingbeaconfortheirpartner’smostvulnerablepoints,anditlookedlikeNickiwasoneofthem.Iwonderedifshe’devenrealizedwhatshe’ddone,whatitmeant.
BeforeIcouldsayanything,hecontinued.
“IguessI’mjustassessingmylifewithfresheyes.Idon’tknowifit’swhatIwouldhaveimaginedformyself.”
“Butit’samazing!”Iwhispered,watchingthecitystreetsgetsmallerandshabbierasIgotclosertohome.“You’redoingthisworkthatcanhelppeople,andit’sinnovativeandcreativeandrisky.You’relovedbysomeonewhoissohardonthemselves,soopentoattackinthepubliceye,andyetshewantsyouthere,byherside.You,Dyl.”
“Ijustgetthefeelingsomeoneelsewoulddoabetterjob,”hesaid.
“Ofwhat?Turningupateventsandeatingfreefoodandsellingselfiestoglossymags?”Ichortled.
“Oflovingher.”
No,don’tsaythat.I’mdoingthistohelpyou,tohelpbothofyou.
Ineededtofixthis.
Ineededhimtoseethisphaseasaroughspot.Growingpainsastheirrelationshipmovedtothenextlevel,andnothingmore.
Worstofall,sittinghavingthisdevastatingconversationwasstillthebestthingthathadhappenedtomeinalongtime.Tohearhimlaugh,tohavemyfriendbackinsometiny,insignificantway.
“IjustthinkitwouldbereallyeasytofucksomethingupwithawomanlikeNicki.Ifyoudidn’tunderstandwhyshedoeswhatshedoes,”Ioffered,hesitant.
“Andwhatdoesshedo?”Hewasannoyed,Icouldtell.He’dgivenmeanin,andIhadn’ttakenit.
“Theinfluencerstuff.TherealityTVshows.She’sawomanwho’sbeentrainedtoperform.It’sprobablyharderforhertobeauthenticwithoutanaudience.Tojustbewhosheis.”
Hesighed.“Icanseeherstruggling,butIdon’tknowhowtohelpbeyondtellinghertoputthefuckingphonedownandjustwatchthedamnmovieoreatthepieceofpizza.Everythoughtshehasisaboutharnessinganaudience,whattheywanttoseenext.It’slikeifJimCarreyhadknownhewasthecenterofTheTrumanShowallalong.Ifeellikeeventuallyshe’sgoingtohaveabreakdown.Which,ofcourse,she’llleaktothepressandthengetabookdealfor.”
Isnorted.“Thatsoundsaboutright.”
“I’vebeentryingsohardtoberightforher,but…Ijustcan’t.”
Iclosedmyeyes,leaningmyheadagainstthewindowglass,lettingitjoltmebackandforth.Therewasnoanswertoanyofthis.It’saroughpatch,it’saphase,it’llgetbetter.Justkeeptrying,letmehelp.Hewasbeingvulnerable,beinghonest,andIwasusingittoplanoutachessmove.God,Ihatedmyself.AndyetIcouldn’tputthephonedown.Couldn’tendaconversationinwhichIwashisconfidantagain.
“I’mjustwonderingwhatitisthat’sannoyingyou,”Iaskedcarefully.“Areyoujealousofhersuccess?”
Hetookamomenttothinkaboutit.“No,andit’snotabouthavingtoshareher,either.Itjust…itfeelslikemaybeeveryoneelseisactinginamovieandInevergotthescript?”
“That’sjustwhatgrowingupfeelslike,isn’tit?”Iimaginedhimsmilingattheceiling,loungingonabeat-upsofa,comfortableandcontent.
“It’smorethanthat,it’slikeeveryone’spretending.Everyone’sframingthemselvesassomethingelse.Puttingafilterontheirlives.AndwhenIhangoutwiththem,Iendupdoingit,too.YouknowwhatIusedtosay,whenpeopleaskedmewhatIdid?IsaidIwasworkingonanapp.”
“Whichistrue…”
“Yes.Butnowit’s‘start-up,’‘entrepreneur,’‘techmogul’…”
“Noone’scalledyouatechmogul,”Ilaughed,theseriousnessstartingtoebbaway,“calmdown.”
“Nickidid!Inaninterview,inthehopesthatitwouldstick!”heyelped.“SoIstarteddressinglikeoneofthoseguysandrentedfancyofficespaceandtalkedasifIknewwhatthefuckIwasdoing.Iwenttothepolo,Aly.Canyouimaginemewiththosepeople?”
“No,butmorebecauseyou’rescaredofhorses.”
Helaughed,trailingofftosilence.“Ijustdon’tfeellikeanyoneknowsme.NooneknowsthatI’mscaredofhorsesorallergictomushrooms,orIstillgorunningonSundaymorningsbecausemydadmademedodrills.Andasangryasitmakesme,Ican’tstoppretending.”
Ididn’treallyknowwhattosay,soIjustwaited.
“God,thatsoundedsowanky,didn’tit?Woeisme,nooneknowsmyentireboringlifestory.”
“Nooneknowsaboutmyparents’confusingrelationship,orhowmygrandparentsusedtodanceinthekitchen.NooneknowsthatwhenI’msadIeatstrawberrylaces,orthatIaskpeoplestupidquestionsbecauseIdon’ttrustanyonetotellthetruth.”
“Itwouldbenice,”hesaidsoftly,“tohavethatagain.”
IthoughtIwasgoingtobesick.BecauseIwantedthatmorethananything.Myfriend,mydearfriend,backagain.ThatpersonIusedtobewithhim,theonewhowentoffonadventuresandtookrisksandwasn’tlivingthisgray,listlesslife.WhatdidIhavenow,withoutthedreamofthebrandingrole?IhadworkandIhadtheFixerUpper.
Thiswouldneverwork—Ididn’tgettokeephimafterthis.IfixhimforNicki,andwhat,we’djustnevertalkaboutitagain?I’dgototheirwinterwonderlandweddingandsmileandpretendIhadn’ttrickedhim?
Didmymotherevendeservethemoney?StickingplastersandconcealeronDylanandNicki,justtopayformymumanddadtocontinuetheirepicdanceforanotherdecade—whatwasthisevenforanymore?Thiswasn’thelpinganyone.
“Aly,youthere?”
Iputasmileonmyfaceandwipedawaymytears,injectingthatsarcastictone.“I’mafraid,Mr.James,thetimehascomeformetogetoffthebusandrunhomesoIcanspendthenexthourvomitingaggressively.IpromiseIwillbeincrediblyprofessionaltomorrow.”
“Now,where’sthefuninthat?”Helaughedsoftly.“Hey,Aly?”
Iwinced.Pleasedon’tmakethisanyharder.“Yeah?”
“Youdeservedthatjob,”hesaid.
“Howdoyouknow?”
“BecauseIknowyou.”
Ihungupandburstintotears.SIXTEEN
Igroanedasthephonerang.Noonetellsyouhowawfulhangoversareinyourthirties.It’slikeyouspendyourteenageyearsandyourtwentiesbelievingeverymoviewithhungovercharactersisanexaggerationtoputyouoffdrinking.Andsuddenlyyou’reagrown-upandthrowingupintoapottedplantattheofficeandtryingtowashyourmouthoutwithLucozade.
IfIevenmanagedtomakeittotheoffice.
Iopenedoneeyeandlookedatthenameonthescreen.Dylan.Atsevena.m.
Ohgod,whatdidIsaylastnight?
“Hello?”Icroaked.“Iseverythingokay?”
“I’mcallingaboutsomethingincrediblyimportant,”Dylansaidsmoothly,asifIhadn’tcalledhimhalf-cutthenightbefore.
“Whichis?”
Hetookadeepbreath.
“Fivethings,Aly,”hesaid,andsuddenlyIwassixteenagain.Myheartleapedatthethoughtofit,evenasmyheadpounded.Andthenrealitysetin.
“No,Dylan.Noway.Ihavework.Youhavework!”
“Fivethings,orithastobedone.Youknowtherules.”
Iscrambledonmynightstandforpainkillers.“IfIdon’tgointoday,it’sgoingtolooklikeI’mthrowingahissyfitoverMatthew’spromotion.”
“So?”
“Soit’sunprofessional.Andyouhavethemostimportantpresentationofyourlifeintwoweeks.Youneedtobepreparing.”
Thephonewentsilent,andthenIheardhimhum.
“Fairpoint.I’mprettygoodatmultitaskingthesedays.WhatifIpromiseouradventurewillbeeducational?”
“Dylan,”Iwarned.
“Alyssa,”hemocked.“It’sasimplequestion.Canyoutellmefivewonderfulthingsyou’relookingforwardtotoday?”
“Icouldn’tgiveyouone.”Isighed,defeated.“Icouldn’tgiveyouhalfofone.”
“That’swhatIthought.Makeyourexcuses;I’llseeyouatSt.Pancrasateleven.”Hewenttohangup,andIstoppedhim,suddenlydesperate.
“Dylan!”
“Yeah?”
Ihesitated,unsurewhatIwantedtosay.“Why?”
“Becauseyou’renothappy.Andit’sveryimportantthatyoubehappy.”
Hehungup,andIclosedmyeyes,unsurewhetherIshouldbeexcitedorterrified.
—
St.PancrasismyfavoriteLondontrainstation.There’ssomethingaboutthepossibilityofitall.TheEurostar,theoysterbar,thedarkentrancetotheRenaissanceHotel,hiddeninthebackcorner,likethere’ssomesecrethistoryunfoldingaroundthecommutersandday-trippers.
Isatwithacoffee,pretendingtoreadabook,butreallyjustwatchingpeople.Greetingeachotherwithhugs,swervingaroundluggage,walkingatspeed.Touristsgettinglost,coupleshavingarguments.YoucouldseeeverythinginthecrowdsatSt.Pancras.
Dylanappearedwearingsunglassesonhisheadandholdingtwocoffees.Helookedatmytable,mycupofcoffeeevident,andsighed.
“Damn.”
Iheldoutmyhand,jumpingdownfromthestool.“Gimme.Thereisnotenoughcoffeeintheworld.”
“Ireallydidn’tthinkyou’dshow,”hesaid,handingmethecup,“thoughtyou’dcaretoomuchaboutwhatpeoplethoughtattheoffice.”Idid.ButIcouldn’tturndownthischance.
Ofcourse,toTolaandEric,ImadeitallabouttheFixerUpper.HerewasmychancetogetDylanonside,topushhimtowardNicki,solvealltheirproblems.ButIknew,deepdown,Iwaslying.
Dylanlookedatme,aslysmileonhisface,andIpanicked.
“Haveyou…spokentoEricthismorning?”heasked.
Ifrownedathim.“WhywouldI…”Hegrinnedatme,wigglinghiseyebrows.“Shutthefrontdoor!ItwasBenhewasmeetinglastnight!Again!”
Heheldhishandsupasifhehadagreedhewasn’tsayinganything,andwejuststood,smilingateachother.
“Lookslikewemightbeineachother’slivesquiteabit,then,ifthisturnsintoanepicromancefromoneofthoseoldmoviesBenloves,”Dylansaid,lookingupatthedeparturesboard.Iwasrelievedhedidn’tseethepanicthatmusthaveflitteredacrossmyface.Lieswithpeopleyouwerenevergoingtoseeagain,strangersinthestreet?Sure,fixthemandmoveonwithyourlife.But…therewasnocomingbackfromthis.Iwasintoodeep.AndnowEricwasatrisk,too.HowlongwouldhelietoBenabouthowIreallyknewhisfriend?
“Well,let’snotgetaheadofourselves,itmightjustbeaverycurablecaseoflust,”Isaidbreezily,andDylanwhirledaroundtolookatme,tiltinghisheadlikeaconfusedcanine.
“Bentookfouryearstofindtheperfectpairofjeans.Andwhenhefinallyfoundthepairheliked,heboughttwentyofthem.Sizeup,sizedown,everycolor.Hewaitsuntilhefindswhathewants,andheplaysforkeeps.”
“Bitintense?”
“Iadmirehim,actually.Itmaylooklikehe’sclosedoff,buthejustmakesvery…purposefuldecisions,youknow?He’sananalyst,heweighsuptheprosandcons,waitstoknowwhathe’swalkinginto,andthenjumpsinheadfirst.”Dylansmiledfondly.“It’sagoodwaytobe.ButifEric’snot…”
“Notwhat?”Ifeltmyselfgettingdefensive.
“Lookingforsomethingreal…”Dylanpaused.“It’sbetterhetellshimnow.”
IthoughtaboutthatfirstnightIbecamefriendswithEric,howhe’dsobbedintohispintabouthowmuchhewasgoingtohurteveryone.Irememberedthefirstdatesandthecheekygrinsandsexualjokesashetriedoutdifferentpersonalitiesandopportunitieslikejackets,waitingforonethatfit.AndIrememberedthetiredeyesattheendofnightsatthepubashe’dhugmyarmandtellmehewassoverytiredoflookingforhisperfectmatch.
“Hewantsreal.But…hehasn’thadthatbefore,”Isaid,andwonderedifIwasgivingawaytoomuch,betrayingmyfriend.
“Thenitsoundslikeit’sallgood.”Dylanshrugged,sippinghiscoffee.“UnlessHelenadoesn’tlikeEric.Thenhe’stoast.”
Ifrowned,tryingtorememberwhetherBenhadmentionedHelenawhenwe’dhaddinner.Asister?Abestfriend?
“Hisbeagle.HelenaBonhamBarker.Sherulesthathouse.”Dylangrinnedandtiltedhisheadtowardthetrains.
“Aswellsheshould,”Ilaughed.“So,wherewegoing?”
Itwaspointlesstoeventry.Iknewhewouldn’ttellme.
“Youknowbetterthanthat,Aresti,”Dylansnorted.
“Butyoupromisewe’lldosomework?”Iheardmyselfandsighed.Onceanerd,alwaysanerd.
“Somethingsdon’tchange.”
Getoutofmybrain,Dylan.
Whenwegottotheplatform,hehandedmeaticket,andtoldmenottolook.Iswipedthroughthebarrierandhandeditback,assurprisedashewasthatIdidwhatIwastold.
Wesettledintotheemptycarriage,seatedoppositeeachotheratatable.
“Whilstweareonthistrain,Ipromisewecanworkonthepresentation.”
“Andwhenwe’reoffthetrain?”
“Wehaveadventures.Thosearetherules.”
“Okay,”Isaid,“work.”
Weactuallymanagedit—forthreewholehoursweworkedtogether,practicingthepitch,amendingthepresentation,researchingthecompany.Noarguingorbitchingortalkingincode.NomentionofNicki.Iforgotaboutthatguiltyfeelinginmystomach.Wemadeprogress.
Andwhenwesteppedoffthetrain,Icouldsmellthesea.
Wewalkeddownthehill,anditsuddenlyappeared,outofnowhere,fullofpotentialandhopeandthepromiseofsummer.IsmiledandfeltDylanlookingatme.
“What?”
“Firstoffivethings,that’sall.”Hesmiled,thenbrokeintoarun.“Raceya!”
Ichasedhim,dodgingpeopleandjumpingoffthecurb,exhilarated,tellingmyselfhowstupiditwasevenasIran.Hebeatme,unsurprisingly.
“MaybeIneedtostartsomeofthoseSundaymorningdrills,”Iwheezed,andheshookhishead.
“Okay,nowwhat?”
Dylanlookedupanddown,asifsurveyinghislandandlookingforsomethinginparticular.Really,Iwassurehewasjustlookingforthenextopportunitytopresentitself.Whichitdidwhenhesuddenlypointedatthearcade.
Itsoundsridiculoustotravelforthreehoursjusttospendtwentyquidonarcadegames,butbeingoutofLondonwaslikebeingfreeofmyself.Ileft“workaholicFixerUpper,alwaysperfect,alwaysstriving”AlybackatSt.Pancras.
“Whatnext?”Iasked,wide-eyedandchildlike.
“Fancylunch!”DylanlookedsopleasedwithhimselfthatIlaughed.
“Oh,please,notfancy.There’ssomuchfancyinyourlife.Can’twejusteatchipswithlotsofvinegar?”
“Andnotoncetakeaselfie?”hereplied,shrugging.“Soundsgoodtome.”
Ohno,IwasdoingtheoppositeofwhatIwasmeanttobedoing.Iwasmeanttopushhimtowardthatlife.
“Wait,no,wecandothefancything!”Iheldmyhandsup.“It’syourday,too.”
“Itabsolutelyisnot,”helaughed.“Todaywedowhatyouwant.”
“Whendowedowhatyouwant?”
“Probablywhenwe’rebraveanddrunkandreadytobehonest.”Helookedatme,eyebrowraised,headtilted.Daringme.
Isimplyshookmyhead,notevenreallysurewhathewasasking,butcertainIdidn’tlikethesoundofit.
“Youneverusedtobethisstubborn,youknow?”hesaidconversationally,peeringdownsidestreets,handsinhispocketslikehedidn’thaveacareintheworld.
Itwaslikegoingbackintime.Thiscouldhavebeenanyoneoftheweekendswe’dspentasteenagers,offononeofDylan’sadventures—musicfestivals,seasidetowns,gettingabustothemiddleofnowhereandtryingtofindourwayhome.Andstillhim,calm,handsinpockets,strollingalonglikeitwastheeasiestthingintheworldtobehappy
“Well,that’sjustnottrue.”
Myphonebuzzed.
“Hi,Nicki,”Isaid,answeringthecall,watchingDylanshakehishead,“how’sthings?”
“Well,tobehonest,darling,I’mhavingabitofanightmaretoday.DoyouknowwhereDylanis?”
“Dylan?”Isaidaloud,andwatchedasheshookhisheadmorevigorously,eyeswide.“No,haven’tseenhim.Why?”
Iwatchedhimscratchingthebackofhisneck,staringatthefloorasshespoke.Guilty.
“Well,weweretalkingaboutthefutureyesterdayandIthink…IthinkIspookedhim.Ipushedtoohard,andnowhe’sdisappearedandhe’snotansweringmycalls.Andifhedoesn’tdowellatthispresentation,well,it’sDaddy’scontact,andthat’lllookbad…”
“Ireallydon’tthinkyouhavetoworry,”Isaidsoftly,tryingtobecomforting.“He’sprobablyjusttakingsometimetogethisheadinthegamebeforethepresentation.”
“Wetalkedaboutmarriage,andIthoughthewaswithmeonthat,whywouldn’thebewithmeonthat?”
“I…uh…”
“Ineedthistohappen,Aly.”Therewasalevelofdesperationinhervoice.“Ineedhim.He’stheonlyrealthinginmylife.”
Well,nowIfeltsorryforallthreeofus.
“Pleasedon’tworryaboutanything.IfIspeaktoDylan,I’lltellhimyou’retryingtogetintouch.”
“Okay,you’reright.Positivethinking.I’mgoingtodosomemeditation.”Shetookabreathandseemedtosuddenlyinflatewithhelium,backintoherbubblypersona.“Bye,then!”
WhenIlookedupfrommyphone,DylanwassmilinglikehehopedIwouldn’tprobeforanswers.“So,aboutthosefishandchips…thatpubonthecornerlookspromising!”
“Dylan.”
Heignoredme,andIfollowedautomatically.
“Dylan!Whyareyouhidingfromyourgirlfriend?”
“WhyisshecallingyoutofindoutwhereIam?”hereplied,holdingopenthedoortothepubandgesturingformetogofirst.Theonlywayweweregoingtohavethisconversationwasifhewastrappedinaseat,withahugeplateoffood,apintofbeer,andnowayout.Fine,we’ddoithisway.
“Um,shepaidmyfee?”Iretorted,pickingatableandplonkingmyselfdown,waitingforhimtojoinme.
“Right,ofcourse,sonowsheownsyou.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Sowe’rebacktothisfunwayofinteractingagain?Great,I’dmissedthesnarkandalltheglaring.”
“I’mgonnagetsomedrinksandsomemenus.”
Andthenhewasgone,chattingwiththebartender,askingquestionsaboutales,smilingbackatmeasifheknewhowmuchhewaspissingmeoff.
Ihadgottenmyselfstuckinthemiddleofthis,andsolvingitwasmyresponsibility.ItriedtothinkaboutitasIwouldanyotherFixerUppersituation,takingmyhistorywithDylanoutoftheequation.
Asmuchastheyseemedtodisconnectoverparticulars,DylanandNickihadthepotentialtobeapowercouple.Theylookedperfecttogether.Hegothertochilloutandeatthedamnpizza,she…gothimbusinesscontactsthroughherdadandpaidformetoimprovehim.Okay,badexamplebut…theyweretwobeautiful,insecurepeopleplayingouttheirpatternsandtheyjustneededtofindawaytocommunicatetheirneeds.Theproblem,ofcourse,wastiming.
DylanneededtostopfeelinglikehewasplayingapartandtobeabletotellwhenNickiwasoffline.Heneededtoknowwhenshewasbeingreal.AndNickineededtorememberherboyfriendwasarealhuman,andthatlifeeventswerenotjustmarketingopportunities.
Okay,communication,empathy,smoothingruffledfeathers.Icoulddothis.
Hefinallyreturned,placingtwopintsofbeeronthetable.
“Thanks.Menus?”
“Ijustorderedfishandchips,that’swhatyouwanted,right?”heshrugged,sippingathispint,lookingaroundthepub.
“Dylan,what’sgoingon?Nickisaidshestartedaconversationaboutyourfuture,andyouranaway?”
“Whydoyouevencare?!”hehuffed.“You’reheretofixmyailingcareer,right?”
“I’mheretosupportyoubeforeabigopportunity,whenwebothknowyou’dratherrunawaythantaketheriskoffailing.”
“Ican’thavechangedatall,inadecade?”Helaughed,pullingahandthroughhishair.“I’mstillthehappy-go-lucky,everything’sfine,hangwiththecoolkidsguy,right?AtnopointinthelastfifteenyearscouldIhavegrownup?”
Ithrewmyhandsup.“You’rerunningafuckingcompany!Idon’tknowwhatyou’reangryabout,IthoughtIwashelping!”
“Youare!Butyou’rehelpingmebecauseithelpsher.”Hesighed.
Thatwasalittletoocloseforcomfort.Itookabreath,loweredmyvoice,andleanedin.
“Dyl,shelovesyou.Shewantedtohelp.That’swhatpartnersdoforeachother.”Shejustwantsaproposalinreturn,nobigdeal.
Henodded,sippinghispint.
“Why’dyourun?”
HelookedatmelikeIwascompletelyinsane.“Because…becauseshedoesn’tknowme.It’slikeshelooksatmeandseestheversionofmeIcouldbeintenyears.”
Itwaslikehewaswaitingforsomebiganswer,buthehadn’taskedaquestion.
“Sowhat?That’snice,isn’tit?Sheseesallthatpotential,thefutureDylan.Shewantstobewithhim.”
Heshookhishead,andIgotthesensehewasdisappointedinme.Thewaitercameoverwithourplatesandputthemdownonthetable,pointingoutcondimentsandaskingifwewereokayfordrinks.Wesmiledandnoddedandwaitedforhimtoleave.
IgesturedforDylantocontinue.
“Rightnow,I’mlikeapuppysheboughtthinkingI’dgrowintoaDoberman,butactuallyI’mpartpoodleandIwasn’tfullytoilettrained.”
Isnortedintomypint,reachingforthevinegarandpouringitliberally.IwatchedasDylansprinkledaterrifyingamountofsaltoverhischips.
“Youlaugh,fine,butshe’smoreinlovewiththatversionofmethantherealme.AndeverytimeIgetalittleclosertowhoeverthatguyisinherhead,sherewardsme.Iworethesuitshepicked,Iwenttothegala,IstoppedwearingT-shirtswitheightiesvideogameimages.She’swaitingformetogrowoutofthethingsIlove,andI’mnotsureI’mreadytodothat.”
Hegavemethislook,likehewastryingtoavoidsayingsomething,andImassagedmytemples.
“Justsayit.You’rebringingbackmyhangover.”Isighed.“You’vegotthatlooklikeyouneedtotellmeyoukilledmygoldfish.”
Dylansnickered,shakinghishead.“HowmanytimesdoIhavetosayit,Mr.Bubblesdiedofoldage!It’sjust…sinceyouturnedupagain,IrememberedwhoIusedtobebackthen.Ilikedthatguy.”
“Eh,Ithoughthewaskindofannoying.”Iwrinkledmynose,shruggingoneshoulder.“Dylan,youwannaknowwhatyoushoulddohere?”
Heputdownhisknifeandfork.“Yes,actually.OwiseoracleAly,fixerofsuchproblems.WhatshouldIdo?”
“Honestly?”Iwipedmyhandsonanapkinandpickedupmypint.“Ithinkyoushouldstopthinkingsodamnmuch.”
Hewaspoleaxed.Hiseyebrowsdisappearedbeneathhisfringe.“What?”
Ilookeddownatthefourmissedcallsfrommymother,thetextfromTolaaskingifIwasontrack.ThemessagesfromNicki.AndthenIlookedathim,thisbeautifulmanwhohadbeenmyfriend.Hecouldbehappy.
Andthenthere’dbenomoreheartbrokencallsfrommymother.Icouldendthecycle.Icouldstartsomethingnew—maketheFixerUpperintowhatitneededtobe.MaybeIcouldteachmenlikeDylan—nopretense,notrickery,justadesiretogrowup.
Ihadtohelphimleavemebehind.
Ishruggednonchalantly,likeeverywordwasn’tkillingme.“You’reinlove,you’reloved,you’reinyourthirties.Famousornot,yourgirlfriendisgoingtobethinkingaboutmarriage.Thoseconversationsareaboutfiguringoutifyouarehappyploddingalong,asmostpeoplearewhenthingsaregoodenough,oryou’rewillingtotakeastepforward,tosayyes,thisiswhatIwantlongterm.That’sit.”
DylanlookedsobemusedIalmostlaughed.“Dyl,it’sreallysimple.Doyouloveher?”
“Yes,but…”
Ishookmyhead,“Nope.Sorry.Therestisdoubtsandinsecurityandfearofchange.PeterPanisfiction,andweallhavetogrowupsometime.”Itiltedmyheadathim,goinginforthekill.“Besides,youwanttobethatguy,right?Thesuccessfulbusinesstype?Don’tyouwanttogohomethedayafteryougetthatdealandtellyourdadyouwereontherightpathallalong?”
Hesmiledthatcrookedsmileandnoddedatthetable.“Iguessyou’reright.Wearewellsuited,weeveneachotherout.She’ssofun.Andshe’sshownmethiswholeotherworldIneverevenknewexisted.Idon’twanttoliveinitallthetime,but…growing’snatural,right?Relationshipsdevelop.”
“Exactly.Youtwoaregreattogether.Honestly.”
Honestly?
Hisbrightblueeyeszeroedinonme.
“Soyou’dbehappyifImarriedNicki?”
Whydoesthisquestionfeellikeatrap?
“I’dbehappyifyouwerehappy.Isn’tthatthewholepointofourtriptoday?Mutualhappiness?”Ismiledwidely,andhelookedsad,shakinghisheadatme.
“Don’tdothat.”
“What?”
“Thatcamouflagesmile,itdoesn’tworkonme.I’veseenittoomanytimesbefore.”
“It’snot…I’mmourningmypromotion,I’mhungover,andI’mdispensingthesameadviceIwasgivingwhenwewereteenagers.Givemeabreak,wouldyou?”Istuffedachipintomymouthandchewedfuriously.
Hetookabreath.
“Areweevergoingtotalkaboutit?Aboutus?”
Iwinced,swallowingmyfood,thenpressedmyfingerstomylips,myvoicebarelyaudible.“Don’tdothisnow,Dyl.”
“Weneedto,becauseI’mgoingtoexplode.Please”—hereachedoverandheldmywrist,pleadingwithme—“pleasecanwejustbehonest,justbeusforfiveminutes?”
“You’retheonewhostartedpretending!”
“Ipanicked!”Dylanthrewuphishands.“Otherwisewe’dhavetodothatwholeoh,howareyou,whatareyouupto,throwingaroundourlifeachievements,andIknewIwouldimmediatelydisappointyou.AndIwasangryatyou.”
“Well,Iwasangryatyou,too.”
Hejerkedinsurprise.“Me?Whatdoyouhavetobeangryabout?I’mtheonewhogotabandonedandblockedandneverheardfromyouagain!”
Ilookedaroundattheotherpatrons,alleerilyquietastheylistenedinonourargument,avoidinglookingdirectlyatus.Iheldmyhandsupandspokequietly.
“Ithinkweneedtostophavingthisconversation.”
“Please,Aly,I’vebeenpatient,butwedoneedto—”
“Iknow,just…nothere.”
Henoddedandstoodup.“Okay,let’sgo.”
Igesturedatmyfood.“Weneedtopay.”
“Alreadydone.Let’sgo.”
IfollowedhimlikeIwasonmywaytothegallows,headdownandfollowinghisfeet,notdaringtothinkortalkorargue.Somehow,thiswasgoingtobeallmyfault.Iwasgoingtostandthere,ashamed,asItoldhimthatI’dlovedhimonce,andI’ddiscoveredhe’dnevergivenashitaboutme.Iwasgoingtomakemyselfweakandvulnerableandembarrassed.
Heledusouttotheseafront,thewavesmakingenoughnoisetocoverus.
“Isthattohidethesoundofmyyelling?”Iasked,gesturingatthesea.
“MaybeIjustwanttobeabletochuckyouinifyoupissmeofftoomuch!”
Ifacedhim,steadiedmyself,andputmyhandsup.“Okay,fine.Solet’sbehonest.Let’sbeus.Whatdoyouwantfromme?”
“Iwantyoutoaskmetotellyousomethingtruthful!”heyelpedinfrustration,andIalmostlaughed.
“Youwantmetorequesttriviafromyou?Sure,hitmewithyourfactsaboutSouthAmericanbirdmigration,I’mallears.”
Hetuggedathishair,andIthoughthewasgoingtoyellatme.“Youknowit’smorethanthat!Yousaidyourself,youaskedfortruthssoyouknewpeopleweren’talwayslyingtoyou.IneedyoutoasksowhenIsaywhatI’vegottasay,you’regoingtoknowI’mnotlying,okay?Please.”
Well,thatknockedthefightoutofme.
Ilookedathisface,soopenandfamiliar,sodesperatetohavethismomentthatI’dbeenrunningfrom.
Itookabreathtosteadymyself.
“Fine.Tellmesomethingtrue,Dylan.”
Hehadclearlyplannedtheexactthinghewantedtosay,andIwonderedifhe’drehearsedit,changedwordsuntilitwasperfect.Howmanyyearshadhewonderedwhathe’dsaytomeifhesawmeagain?
“Ilovedyou,andyouranaway.”
Asearingrageflowedthroughme,untilIphysicallyshook.Iwantedtothrowsomethingathim.
“Youdidn’tloveme!”Iyelled,outraged.Itwaslikethosewordsbrokethedam.“Youhadagirlfriend!Youalwayshadagirlfriend!Thatnightyoukissedmeforadare,IwasdrunkandImusthavesaidsomethingbadbecauseyoulookedlikeI’djustpunchedyou,andtheninthemorningyoumessagedyourgirlfriendaboutwhatanawfulburdenIwasandyoucouldn’twaittoberidofme!Don’tretellthisstorywithyouastheperfecthero,Dylan.”
Hisjawphysicallydropped.“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”
Iyelled,“Irememberthelookofhorroronyourface!”
Heputhisheadinhishands,thenwalkedawayfrommeandyelledatthesea,handsclenched,armsoutstretched.Hebellowedintothewavesuntilitdrainedfromhim.Ifeltlikedoingthesame.
Whenhepaddedbackover,hisfaceblank,hestoodclosetome.Therewasnowaytoavoidthoseeyes.
“We”—hegesturedbetweenus—“areidiots.”
“Noneofthismatters,Dyl,itwasalongtimeago…”Istarted.
“Areyoukidding?!”heexploded.“Youtoldmeyoulovedme,thatyou’dalwayslovedme!”
Icringed.
“Don’ttryit,Aresti,allthat‘Iwasdrunk’crapwon’twash.Youlovedme.”
“Fine!”Iyelled.“Ilovedyou,sowhat?”
“Ilovedyouback,youidiot!”heshouted,andsuddenlyIdidn’tfeellikeyellinganymore.
“No…youmessagedyourgirlfriend…”
Hisvoicewassofter,hiseyesmournful.“I’dabandonedheratthatpartytolookafteryou,andIdidn’tknowifanythingyou’dsaidwasreal.Iwaswaitingforyoutowakeupandpretenditwasallamistake.Soyes,Isaidwhatsheexpectedmetosay,tokeepherhappyuntilIcouldfigureitout.”
“Youlovedme,”Isaid,frowningoutattheseaasIdroppeddowntositonthebeach,graspingfistfulsofsand.“Andnotinafriendway?”
“No,notinafriendway.”Hecollapseddownbesideme,andIcouldfeelhiseyesonme.“Isthatsohardtobelieve?”
“Um,yeah,kindof.”
Heclosedhiseyesandsighed,beforeturningbacktome.“Couldn’tyoutellinthewayIkissedyou?Ithoughtitwasadeadgiveaway.”
“Iwasmainlyfocusedonthesniggersofyourpopularfriends,andyourgirlfriendwithdaggersinhereyes.”
“Right…”Henodded.“Well…”
“Thisisawkward,”Isaid,heartthumping,diggingaholeinthesandwithmythumb.
Dylanlaughed.“Yep.”
“Sowhydidyoulooksohorrifiedinmymemory?”
Hepressedhislipstogetherandtiltedhishead,considering,playingitback
“Well,itcouldhavebeentheshock;obviouslyIwasn’texpectingyoutosayanythinglikethat.Andyouknowwhatyou’relikewhenyou’redrunk,Aresti,soincrediblyforthrightandmatter-of-fact…Butthirtysecondsafteryourromanticdeclaration,youvomitedallovermyfavoritejeans.Andmybrand-newConverse.”
Iblinked.“Ah,well,that’lldoit,”Isaid,beforeputtingmyheadinmyhands,cringing.“Idon’tknowifthat’sbetterorworsethanIwasimagining.”
“Oh,mutuallyinloveandmiserableismuchbetter.Icouldn’tfigureoutifyoucutmeoutofyourlifebecauseyouwereembarrassedaboutwhatyou’dsaid,oryou’dsoberedupandrememberedwhatI’dsaid…Itwasamessytime.”Dylantappedhiskneesthroughhisthreadbarejeans.“So,feelbetter?”
Ilookedathim,considering.
“IguessIfeelsadforpastus?”Ioffered,andhenodded,takingmyhandandgivingitasqueeze.Myheartcontractedjustalittle,histhumbgrazingthebackofmyhand.
“Metoo,mainlyforalltheyearswecouldhavebeenineachother’slivesifyouweren’tsuchadramaqueen.”
Imadeafaceathim.“Ifyou’dbeenchivalrousaboutmybluevomit,wecouldhavebeenmarriedbynow,”Ijokedandstuckoutmytongue.
Helaughed,anditfeltlikeIcouldbreatheagain.Likewecouldjustbeus.TheboyIhadlovedhadlovedmeback,andourinsecuritieskeptusapart.Andnowwecouldmoveforward.
Ithoughtaboutallthewomenwhohadhiredmesofar,howmuchlovetheyhadinthem,howmuchtheywantedtogive,tohelp,thattheywouldgothroughourwholecharade.Ithoughtaboutthewannaberockstarwhowasafraidtosing,thegeniuswhocouldn’tspeakinfrontofcrowds,themanhesitanttodemandthepromotion.Ihadgentlynudgedsomanyofthem,builtthemupwithkindwordsandbeliefuntilonedaythey’dlookedinthemirrorandseenwhatI’dtoldthemtheywere.ThiswouldbemygifttoDylan.Nolongerafraidofhispotential,knowinghewasgrowingintherightdirection.I’dgivehimalifehecouldbeproudof.
Wewerepastthisnow,weweredone.Nomoretension,nomorewhat-ifs.Hehadbeenmybestfriend,hehadlovedme.Ihadlovedhim.AndnowI’dhelphimloveher,lovetheirlifetogether.
Itwasbestforeveryone.
“It’sbeenalonelyoldlifewithoutyou,Aly.LikeI’vebeenmissingmyconscience.”
“Youseemtohavebeendoingjustfinewithoutme.”Isqueezedhishandandhesmiled.
“Youknowwhatthebestthingaboutallthisis?”Dylanasked,pullingmeacrossthesandtowardhim,armaroundmywaisttocuddlemeclose.“Nomorepretending.It’sbeensoexhausting.”
Icouldsmellthespiceofhisaftershaveandfeelthesoftnessofhisjumperbeneathmyfingertips.IcouldseethehintofredinhisstubbleandcountallofthosebeautifuleyelashesifIwantedto.IwasrightbackwhereIwasateighteen,overwhelmedbythebeautyofhim.
Nomoresecrets,nomorepretending?
“Exhausting,”Iagreedsadly,daringtorestmyheadonhisshoulder,tryingnottocry,“itreally,reallyhasbeen.”SEVENTEEN
IimaginedtellingDylanthetruthahundreddifferentwaysonthattrainridehome,explainingwhattheotherpartofmyjobincluded.Buthe’dbeensohappy,soeagertoshareeverythingabouthislifewithme,likeataphadbeenturnedon.AndIcouldn’tresist.Iwantedtocollectthosemissingyears,layerthemup,andmemorizethemuntilit
Iwalkedtheline,tellingDylanaboutmydatinghistory,myfriendshipwithTola.Hewasright,there’ssomethingaboutpeoplewhowerethereatthebeginning,whocanseewhatyouovercameandwhereyou’vecomefromandtellyouhowproudtheyaretoseehowyou’vegrown.Itwasfreeing.
I’dtextedTolaandEriconthejourneyhome,andtheycelebratedthatwe’dtalkedaboutmarriage,thatIseemedtobedoingagoodjob.Ididn’ttellthemwe’dhaditallout—Icouldn’tquitebeartoletthemthinkIwastakingadvantageofafriend.SmoothingoutDylan’slovelifewhenhewasanearstrangerwhopissedmeoffwasonething;manipulatinghimwhenhewasmyfriendagainfeltimpossible.Ivisualizedhelpinghimplanahuge,fancyproposal,beingtheretotakethephotos,andcongratulatingthemattheengagementparty.Standingattheirwedding,oneoftheinnercircle.Howawful.
“So,fivethings,Aly,go,”Dylansaidonthetrainhome,drowsilytracingcirclesonthetablebetweenus.
“Playinginthearcade,eatingfishandchips,seeingthatseagulldive-bombyou”—Itickedthemoffonmyfingersandlaughedashethrewaballed-upreceiptatme—“thesmellofthesea,and…gettingtolaughwithyouagain,Iguess.Ifwe’regonnabeallmushyaboutit.”Itwitchedmynoseindistaste.Stillplayingthepart.You,Iwantedtosay.You’reallfivetoday,formakingthishappen,forbeinghonest,forlovingmeonce.Butyou’realsoabsolutelydestroyingme.
Ithrewthereceiptback.“Yourtopfive?”
HesmiledatmesotenderlythatIwantedtobesick.“Allofit.Everydamnpart.Perfectday.”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Eventheseagullattack.”
“Madeyoulaugh.Worthit.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Okay,CharmBoy.Yourealizethatshitdoesn’tworkonme.”
Helaughed.“Youkeeptellingyourselfthat…NerdGirl.”
“Nerdswillinherittheearthoneday,Dylan,we’retheonesquietlydoingalltheresearch.Don’tforgetit.”Istuckoutmytongueandhelaughedagain,soeasy,sorelaxed.
Ohgod,therewasnowayoutofthiswithouthurtingsomeone.TrickingDylan,disappointingNicki,potentiallyruiningEricandBenbeforetheyevengotstarted.AndMama…she’dbetrappedinthesametoxiccycleforever.
Butshewastheadult,right?Shewastheonewhoshouldhavehershittogetherrightnow.Whathadstartedassleightsofhandandsubtlepsychologywasnowtoobig.Iwasmessingwithpeople’slives.
Wesettledintoaquietrhythmasthetrainrattledthroughthecountryside,andIlookedoutintotheapproachingdarkness.
Icouldn’tleavethisallunfixed.I’dmadethismessandcouldn’tjustwalkouthalfwaythroughcleanup.Whatisittheysayaboutheartsurgerylookinglikemurderifyoustoppedinthemiddle?
IwouldtellmymotherthatIcouldn’tgetthemoney.
ThatI’dpickedDylanoverher.I’djumpstraightoffthetrainfromtheseasideontotheonethatwouldtakemetomymum’s.Ihadtodoitnow.Shewouldn’twantmetohurtDylan;shelovedhim,too.
Thetraincrawledalong,infusedwithmemories,andwhilsttherewasanewwonderatthisfriendship,renewedandnewallatonce,therewasalsoaslightfear:TheideathatI’doncebeenlovedbyhim,howeverbriefly,wasintoxicating.Ikeptimagininganotherlife,andIknewifIallowedmyselftostayinthatalternateworld,Imightnevercomeback.
Whenthetrainpulledintothestation,Itriedtobackaway,explainingIneededtocatchanothertraintomymother’s.Ididn’tescapethehugI’dbeentryingtoavoid.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,cocooningmeonthatplatform,andItriednottobreathehimin.Triedtopretendthatnothinghadchanged
“Sayhitoyourmamaforme,”hewhisperedasheletgo.“TellherImissthoselethalmargaritas.”
Inodded,lipspressedtogether,andthenboltedacrosstheconcourse,eagertoendthistorture.Iwasgoingtomakeitright.Evenifitletmymotherdown.
Isatonthesametrainwe’dalwaystaken,andrememberedDylan’swordsfromearlier.Wonderingwhywe’dneverbumpedintoeachother,eventhoughbothourparentsstilllivedinthesameplace.Hesaidheneverreallycamehome.Notproperly.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”I’dasked,andhe’dsighed.
“OnceamonthIdriveandparkoutsidemydad’s.IsaveupallthesethingsIwanttotellhim.HowwellI’mdoingatwork,someamazingmealIthoughthe’dlike,beatingmypersonalbestonSundaymornings.AndIstandoutside,lookingatthefrontdoorforabouttwentyminutes.AndthenIdrivehome.”
“Why?”
“BecausehoweverIimagineit’sgoingtobeinmyhead,it’snot.”He’dshrugged.“He’llsaysomething,I’llgetpissedoff,we’llargue,andit’llbeworsethanifIneverwent.Iusedtowishwehadwhatyouandyourmamahave.Butthat’snothowitworksforeveryone.”
Whatdidmeandmymamahave?Itrudgedalongmyoldroad,wondering.Codependency,resentment,love,guilt?Lovinghermorethananything,butfearingbecomingherevenmore?
Ipausedoutsidethehouse,feelingawaveofgrief.Iconjuredtheimageofmygrandmothersittingunderthemagnoliatree,ouroldcatBananawindingaroundherlegs.IthoughtofthebirthdaypartiesandbouncycastlesinthebackgardenandwaitingonthisfrontwallforDylanhundredsoftimes.Ridingourbikes,walkingdowntothecinema,sneakingouttoaparty.
Allofthosememorieswouldbegone.
IcouldvisualizeMama’sface,tryingtohideherdisappointmentasIapologized.Thedesperationasshe’dstartlookingatone-bedroomflatstostaynearherfriends,ormovingallthewayoutoftownwithnosupportsystem.Howshe’dtrytopretendshewashappyaboutit,becauseshedidn’twantmetofeelbad.God,Iwasalreadyexhausted.
Iputmykeyinthelockandcouldsmellfoodcookinginthekitchen,thewarmthpermeatingdownthehall.Shewasplayingmusicloudly,andIcouldhearhersingingalong,laughing.MaybeIdidn’thavetotellhertoday?MaybeIcouldjustletherbehappyforalittlelonger?ThentomorrowIcouldgotothebankaboutaloan.
IheardMama’slaughagainasIroundedthecorner.Shestoodsprinklingsaltintoapanasmyfatherputhisarmsaroundherwaist,kissingherneck.Ihadseenthemlikethisbefore,ofcourse,butweirdly,neverwhentheyweremarried.Itwasonlyafterhe’dleftthathestartedshowingheraffection,actinglikehelovedher.Thathadbeenbeforemygrandmotherlivedwithus.Beforewepromisedourselveswedeservedbetterthanmenwhowoulduseusupandthrowusaway.Andyet,herehewasagain
Isnapped,walkingthroughtoturnofftheradio,watchingasMamajumped.
“Alyssa—”Shewenttomakeexcuses,pullingherdressinggownaroundher.Ijustlookedastheemotionschasedeachotheracrossherface.Shame,embarrassment,uncertainty,denial.Hope?ShelookedsostupidlyhappyandIhatedherforit.
“Ican’ttellwho’smorestupid,youorme,”Itoldher.
“Alyssa,don’ttalktoyourmotherlikethat.”Hetriedtostepin,butIlaughedinhisface.
“Youdon’tgettotalktome.”IturnedbacktoMama,meetinghereyes.“It’sdefinitelyme,it’sdefinitelymewho’stheidiot.BecauseIamouttherecompromisingmyself,doingeverythingIcantogetthemoneytopaythismansoyoucankeepyourhome.Sothatyoucankeepyourindependenceandyourhistoryandyourconnectiontoyourfamily.Andyoustillchoosehim!”
“Alyssa—”Mamawashorrified,hereyeswide,butIsawtheangerthere,too
“Youknowheneverlovedyou,neverlovedus,right?It’sapowerthing.Thesamewayitwasaboutcomingbackaroundwhenhedivorcedyou.Nowhe’stakingyourhome,andyoudothis?”
Icouldn’tbeartolookather.WhatwasIfightingfor?Ihadbeenpickingupthepiecesheleftbehindforyears,andshestillkeptgoingbackformore.Stilllettingmefixeverything,likeIwastheadult.
“Alyssa,whatyourmotherandIhave…”hestartedagain,andIlookedathim.
“Wheredoesyourwifethinkyouare?”Iasked,disgusted.“Areyourkidswaitingforyouathome,desperateforyourattention,likeIwaswhenyouwereoutfuckingsomeoneelse?”
“That’snotfair,Alyssa.”
Ithrewupmyhands.“You’reanadult.Youractionshaveconsequences,dealwithit.”
Ontheedgeoffrustratedtears,angrierthanIhadeverbeeninmylife,Iturnedtomymother.
“DoyouknowwhatIhadtodototryandgetthatmoney?Moneyyouweregoingtogivehim?ThepeopleIwaswillingtohurt,becauseIwantedyoutobehappy?No,youdon’t,becauseyoudidn’task.Youjustwantedmetofixit.ThewayIalwayshave.”
Iwatchedthetearsrolldownmymother’sfaceasshesteppedawayfromhim,horrifiedatthelookinmyeyes.“I’mashamedofyou,andYiayiawouldbe,too.Keepyourhouse,loseit,movebackinwithhim.Dowhatthefuckyouwant,Idon’tcareanymore.”
Iwalkedoutthedoor,slammeditbehindme,andmadeitthreestreetsoverbeforeIburstintotears.
Theproblem,ofcourse,wasthattherewasonlyonepersonwhowouldunderstandthis.Dylan.
Icouldn’tcallhim.Iwantedtoruntohimandlethimbethatpersonformeagain.Iwantedtostopthinkingaboutthefactthathe’dlovedme,thatifI’dbeenabitbraver,itcouldbemesittingwithhiminaflatacrosstown.Itcouldbemewhomadedinnerwhilstheopenedwineandaskedformyopiniononhisbusiness.Itcouldhavebeenawholelife,onethatdidn’tendinmesittingwithmascararunningdownmyfaceonthetrainbacktomydingylittleflatalone.
Thankyoufortoday.Somanymorethan5things.Ax
Ileftthetextsittingunsentforafewmoments,wonderingwhetheritwasokay.Whetheritwassafe.Butitwasbetterthancalling.
Ohgod,therewasnoneedforthemoneyanymore.Therewasnoneedtodoanyofthis.Icouldstopallofit.
Ipressedthecallbutton,suddenlypossessed.
Whenthecallwasanswered,Ididn’tevenpausetolisten.
“Dyl,it’s—”
“Alyssa!”Nickiyelleddownthephoneinextremeexcitement,“it’ssogoodtohearfromyou!”
DidIcallNicki’snumber?
Ilookeddownatthephoneinmyhand,butitsaidhisname.“Sorrytointerrupt,Nicki,justcallingaboutsomechangestothepresentationtemplate.IsDylanthere?”
SometimesIscaredmyselfwithhowquicklyandeasilyIcouldlie.Myhandswerestartingtoshake.
“Oh…he’sjusttakingashower,darling,hadabitofabrutalworkout,ifyouknowwhatImean?”Shelaughed,andIfeltmystomachclenchpainfully.Sheadoptedawhisper.“Ijustwanttosaythankyou.Whateveryousaidtohim,orwhatever’sgoingon.He’ssomuchmorepositiveaboutalltheromanceandmarriagestuff.It’slikeitdoesn’tscarehimanymore!He’shisoldselfagain!AndI’mgoingtogethimsomepropermediatraining.MaybeTolacouldrecommendsomeone?”
Iwentonautopilot.“Yep,absolutely.Happytohelp.”
“Okay,darling,well,Idon’twanthimdoingmoreworktonight,andwe’reabouttohavedinner.Dylan’stryingtoputina‘nophonesatthedinnertable’policy.Isn’tthatcute?”
“Supercute.Speaksoon,”Isaidvaguely,andlistenedasshehungup.
Ijumpedontothetrainandfoundmyselfaseat,wonderingwhattodonext.Thereseemedtobeonlyoneoption.Ireachedintomybagformybrushandmymakeup,shookoutmyhairfromtheelasticband,andputonlipstick,anticipatingthejudderingmovementofthecarriagelikeaLondonerwithyearsofexperience.
Ihurriedintomyflattochange,downedavodkawiththedregsoforangejuiceleftinthecarton,andheadedstraightbackoutagain.
Ineededsomethingforme.Somethingtorememberhowtofeelgoodagain.TorememberwhatIwasworkingtoward.SoIslippedintoZidario’sdimlylitentranceoffasidestreetonTottenhamCourtRoad,andfeltmyselfrelaxatacornertableinthedarkbasementroom.
Itwasn’tthemostopulentofmyfavoriterestaurants,butitwascomfortable,thedeepredplushcarpets,andthebrickworkwalls,likesittinginacave,cocoonedawayfromtheworld.Thewaiterdidn’tevenblinkwhenIaskedforatableforone.Iorderedahugeglassofmalbec,asteaksorareitmighttryrunningofftheplate,andsomedauphinoisepotatoes.Becausetodayofalldays,Idamnwelldeservedpotatoescookedincreamandbutter.
Igotoutmybookandtriedtosettleintothatmeditativespace.Self-care,self-love.Treatyo’self.Iknewhowtodothis.Butafterreadingthesamelineforthefifthtime,andfindingmostofmywineglassdrainedbeforemyfoodhadarrived,Ihadtoadmit:thiswasn’tworking.
Ididn’tfeelbetter.Ijustkeptlookingaroundforsomethingtodistractme,tosaveme.Iwaslookingformyfriends.IwantedtoteaseEricandjokewhenTolacalledsomethingold-school.IwantedtomakeupwhatpeopleweresayingacrosstheroomwithDylanandIwantedBentotakethewineIorderedfrommyhandandreplaceitwithsomethinginfinitelybetterthathe’dtellmetosipandsavor.IwantedtositinacornerwithPriyaandlaughaboutthedumbthingstheguyssaidalldaywhentheythoughtshehadhermusicplaying.
Myfeel-goodsystemwasbroken.Ididn’tfeelanonymousandpowerfulandclever.
Ijustfeltalone.EIGHTEEN
Ihadanewworkrule:doyourfuckingjob,andabsolutelynothingelse.
Iwasnottheretoaskaboutpeople’sfamiliesormakethemfeelspecial.Iwasn’ttheretoorganizebirthdaycakesorsoothebruisedegosorcajoleorcomfort.Iwasn’ttheretocoverupformysuperiors’failingsortrytofixthecompany’sold-boys-clubculture.Iwasjusttheretodomyjob.
Itseemedtothroweveryoneatfirst,howIcouldseemsofriendly,Icouldstillsmileandlookpleasant,butIkeptsayingno.Ididn’tevensaysorry.Itwasjust:“Oh,no,Ican’t.”
Thefirsttimesheheardit,Tolastoodupfromherdesklikeshewasagazellewhojustgotthescentofapredator.Felixfrowned.Hunterbackedaway.Matthewlookedhurt.
Headdown,headphoneson,smilepastedonmyface—Icoulddothis.ItwaswhatIneededtostopthinkingaboutNickiandDylanandtheircutephone-freedinners.Aboutthefacthe’dnevermessagedmeback.Aboutthelookonmymother’sfaceasItoldhershewaspathetic.
“Aly?”IlookedupandwassurprisedtoseeBeckystandinginfrontofme,fiddlingwiththatengagementringonherfinger,justlikeshehadbeensinceshegotthedamnthing.“Doyouhaveaminute?”
“Notreally—”Istarted,butthetearspooled,andIsighed,gesturingforhertotakeaseat.“What’sup?”
Shepulledherhandsthroughherhairandtookashakybreath,leaningforwardtowhisper.“I’mjustwonderingifanyofit’sreal,youknow?Like,Itrickedhimintogettingengaged,sodoesheactuallywantthis?”
Iclosedmyeyes,frowningattheheadacheapproaching.“ButIdidwhatyouwanted,Becky.Youwantedhimtobemoreopentotheidea.”
“Iknow,but…ishegoingtoresentme?Intenyears’timeishegoingtolookbackandsay,Ineverwantedthis?He’sbeensoworriedaboutthemoneywe’respendingonthewedding,and…”
Icouldfeelmyselfwindinguptoexplode.Ididwhattheywanted.Theyaskedmeforhelp,forcommunicationandsupportandadvice,andthen…itwasn’tgoodenough?And,ofcourse,shewasechoingmydoubtsaboutDylan.Clearly,I’dbeenwronginthatdepartmentanyway.Becausehewashappyenough.SharedhissecretswithmeandthenjumpedstraightbackintoNicki’sbed,gettingeverythingheneeded.
“Becky,I’msorryyoufeelguiltyaboutactuallygettingthethingsyouwant,butI’mafraidI’vegotbiggerproblemsrightnow.”
“Oh.”Shelookedhurtandstoodup,clutchingherhandslikeshewasafraidofwhatI’ddonext.“Ofcourse.I’msorrytohavewastedyourtime.”
Iwincedbutputmyheadphonesbackinandlookedbackatmyscreen.WhenIshiftedmygazeslightly,InoticedTolastoodinfrontofmydesk,armscrossed,foottapping.Ishookmyheadandkeptmygazefocusedonthescreen.
Shepulledoffmyheadphonesandtriedtotakemyhand.“Lunch.”
“Nothungry.”
“Don’tcare,youneedfreshairandyouneedyourfriends.”
Ilaughed.“Youwouldn’tevenbemyfriendifnotfortheFixerUpper.”
Tolalookedmeupanddown,beforeshesaidslowly,“Icanseeyou’regoingthroughsomethingrightnow,soI’mnotgoingtoholdyouaccountableforthebullshityou’respouting.ButI’vebeentryingtobeyourfriendsincethedayIstartedhere.It’syouwhoholdspeopleatadistance,notme.Nowgetyourbagandcomethefuckon.”
ShetiltedherheadatEric,whojumpedupandmetusatthelift,completelysilentaswesteppedin.
“Areyoumutenow?”Iaskedhim.
“Nope,justtryingnottoantagonizethecrazyladyinaconfinedspace,”hesaid,blinkingatme.
Andthenhesmiledandlookedsoconcernedformethatmystomachhurt.
“See,that’sthelookyougetwhenI’mbeingkind,soItrynottobe!”heyelped,watchingmyeyesfillwithtears.
“Goodcall.”Iswallowed,lookingupattheceilinguntilIfeltconfidentthatIwasn’tgoingtocry.
Wewalkedtothelittleparkaroundthebackoftheoffice,downthebackstreetsofOxfordCircus.IlovedthataboutLondon,thelittlehiddenmomentsofgreen,littlepocketsofjoy.Insummerwe’dseethemsuddenlyfull,bodieseverywherelyingout,tanning,readingbooks,untilyoucouldbarelyseethegrassbeneaththem.Fornow,thesunshoneweaklyandIpulledmyjumperovermyfingertips.TolaandIwaitedasEricfetchedcoffeesandpastries,sittingonthebenchandnotsayinganything.Itwasnicetobesilenttogether.
“I’msorryIsaidthat,aboutyounotbeingmyfriend.IjustknowyouwantmorefrommewiththeFixerUpperandIdon’tknowIcangiveit.”
Tolafrownedinsurprise,tappinghercanary-yellownailsonherjeans.
“Sowhat,youthinkI’lldropyouifIdon’tgetwhatIwant?Idon’tdothingsIdon’twannado,Aly.Idon’thangoutwithpeoplewhoaren’tfun.Idon’tdatepeoplewhodon’tgivemebutterflies.”ShelookedalmostoffendedthatIdidn’tknowthat.“AndifIstartedthinkingthatmyfriendsonlywantmearoundbecauseofwhatIcandoforthem,thenI’dtellthemtofuckoff.”
Inodded,lookingatthefloor.
“Weloveyoubecauseofwhoyouare,notbecauseyou’reamastermanipulatorwhocouldmakeusmillions.”Tola’svoicesoftenedintohumor.
“Iguess,”Isaidgrouchilyandhalfsmiled.
Shehuffed,“Millennialsneedtogototherapy,goodGod.”
Ilaughed,morefromsurprisethananythingelse,andnudgedher,smilingasEricapproached.
“Budgeup,letmejointheparty,”hesaid,slidingontotheedgeofthebenchandhandingusourcoffees.“So…wearegatheredheretodaytofigureoutwhatthehellisupwithAly,”Ericsaidsolemnly.“Eventhoughnoonehasaskedmeaboutmyrelationshipissuesindays,andIhavethingstoshare.Butfirst,willthisfinallybetheweekAlyopensuptoherfriendsandtruststhemtobethere?Staytunedtofindout.”
Inudgedhim.“Youdork.What’shappeningwithBen?”
“Nope!”Tolaheldupahand.“Youknowhe’sweakandwantstobethecenterofattention.Wearefocusingonyou.Noescape.What’shappening?”
Icouldn’ttellthemaboutDylan.Thatitterrifiedmetofindoutthetruth.ThatIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit.
Instead,Ichosethemorepressingissue.
“Mymumwasgoingtohavetosellherhouse…”Isaid,thenshookmyhead.I’dhavetogobackfurtherthanthat.I’dhavetoexplaintheirwholefucked-upsituation,andwhatthathousemeant,andhowmyfathermanipulatedher.
SoIdid.Itoldthemthetruth.ItoldthemwhyIneededthemoney,andthatI’dcalledNickitomakeanewdeal.Itoldthemaboutthehundredgrand.IexplainedwhatIsawatMama’slastnight,andthethingsI’dsaidandhowashamedIfelt.
AndthenIsattherebeforethem,completelyvulnerable,waitingtobejudged.
“That’ssoshit.”
“I’msorry,Aly,thatmustbesohardtodealwithonyourown.”
Itwasthekindnessthatgotme,onceagain.Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtostopthetearsleakingout.
“Isaidsomeawfulthings.”
“Weretheyuntrue?”Tolaasked,rubbingmybacklikeIwasachildtalkingaboutanightmare.
Ishookmyhead.“Buttheyweredesignedtohurther.Iwantedtowakeherup.I’vebeentryingtowakeherupforyears.”
Theycurledthemselvesaroundme,protectingme,knowingme.Acceptingallwithoutquestion.Well,therewasonequestion.
“Ahundredgrand,though.”Tolawhistled.“That’ssometop-levelbullshit.Iloveit.”
Ishrugged.“Idon’t.Ijustwantedtodosomethinggoodandhangoutwithyouguysintheprocess.Ididn’twantallofthis…mess.”
“Arewesurewedon’twanttocarryonfixingDylanandthenwecanallgoonareallyniceholiday?Like,whatever’sfancierthanfirstclasskindofholiday.I’monlyhalfjoking.”Ericgrinnedatmeandsqueezedmyshoulders.Itriedtosmile.
“Whatcanwedo,mylovely?”heasked,sointenselyearnestthatIfeltabitodd.
Iwipedmyeyes.“Youcanforgiveme.”
“Forwhat?!”
Imethiseyes.“IintroducedyoutoBen.What’sgoingtohappenwhenthisisallover,Eric?Whatifyou’vemetyourpersonandI’veturnedyouintoaliarbeforeyou’veevengottenstarted?”
Erictiltedhisheadandsmiledatme.“Allthebestromancesstartwithafewwell-placedlies.AndIwouldn’tworrytoomuchaboutmeandBenbeingthelovestoryofthecenturyanyway.He’sputtingafewroadblocksinwithoutanyhelpfromyou.”
Apparently,therewerewobblesontheroadtotrueloveandco-ownershipofasassybeagle.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Hewon’tdatemebecauseI’mababygay,”Erichuffed,“buthewantsustobefriends.JustmyluckforthistohappenwhenIfinallyfindsomeonewho’shotandsmartandkindandfunnyandhasgooddresssenseandisadogperson…”
“What’sababygay?”Iasked.
“Ben’sbeenoutforever,right?”Tolaasked,andEricpointedather.
“Exactly.”
“Whereasyou…”
“Iwasengagedtoawomanforthreeyears,haveonlybeeninarelationshipwithawoman,andonlymyimmediatefamilymembersknowI’mgay.”Ericsplayedhishands.“Babygay.”
“That’snotyourfault!”Iyelped.“He’sbeingunfair!”
“HethinksIneedtimetofiguremyselfout,beforejumpingintosomething.”
“You’vebeenfiguringyourself—andotherpeople—outforyears!Whatmoredoeshewant?”Iasked,completelyaffronted.
EricglancedatTola.“Uh-oh,wewokethebeast.”
“No,I’mbeingserious,”Ireplied,takinghishand.“Youarewonderful.You’refunnyandsmartandhandsomeandloyal,andyou’vebeenwantingarealconnectionwithsomeone,andyoufinditandhefeelsthesamewaybutyoudon’thaveenoughexperienceforhim?Whatthehellisthat?!”
Ericlookedconcerned.“Aly,breathe.You’vegotproblemsenoughrightnow;Iwasjusthavingamoan.We’regoingtohangoutasfriends,andmyanimalmagnetismwillwinhimover.There’sonlysolongyoucanpretendtobefriendswithsomeonewhenyoureallywanttojumpthem.”
Tolalookedathimandburstoutlaughing,thentiltedherheadtowardme.
“Unlessyou’reAly,thenyoucansurvivethatwayforatleasttenyears.”
Ireallydidn’twanttolaugh,butIcouldn’thelpit.
“Youguysaretheworst.”
“Lies,terrible,terriblelies,”Ericsaid,givingmeabrownpaperbag.“Nowstickthisdoughnutinyourmouthandcheerthehellup.We’vegotourfirstMatthew-runmeetingthisafternoon,andwithoutyoutorunto,Hunterhasbeencoachinghim.It’smarionettetheaterinthere,andwe’regoingtoneedarobustsenseofhumor.”
Thankgoodnessformyfriends.IhadnoideawhatI’ddowithoutthem.
—
Thekeytohappinesswasavoidanceandasmile.
Avoidingmymother’sphonecalls.Andtextsandemailsandvoicemessages.Hanginguponmyfatherandblockinghisnumber.LettingTolataketheleadontheremainingFixerUppersessionsandignoringherwhensheaskedaboutbookingmorein.WhensheaskedwhatIwantedtodoaboutDylan.
Dylan,whokeptappearinginhisgirlfriend’sphotosandvideosonline,peeringoverhershoulder,kissinghercheek,makinghergiggle.DoingexactlywhatI’dwantedhimto.Dylan,whomessagedmeeverysinglenightwithhislistoffivethingsfortheday,andnumberfivewasalwaysThatwe’refriendsagain.Hewaskillingme.IwasrightbackwhereI’dbeenallthoseyearsago,watchinghimbetheperfectboyfriendtoanothergirl,helpinghimdoit,andpretendingIdidn’tcare.
Ineededtoputthisenergyintomyself
Ididn’twantanythingelsetodowiththeFixerUpper.Icouldn’tkeepwearingsomepartsofmyselflikeasuitofarmor.
Ihadtocallthisoff.IhadtotellNickiweweredonewithallofthis.IwouldhelpDylanwithhisbusinessstuff,Nickiwouldtakewhatshe’dlearnedfromusandkeepbeaveringawayatmakinghimwhatshewanted(maybeshe’dsucceed),andI’dgettokeepmyfriend.Andmaybelosethissickfeelinginmystomachwherethatbetrayalsat.
ItwastimetofacetheKLPandbepreparedforherclaws.
—
Iwaswritingaplanofattack,acarefullycuratedbullet-pointlist(HowtoGetOutofThisBloodyMess),whenEriccalled.Iansweredwithsuspicion.
“Youdon’tcallmeattheweekends.Areyouokay?”
“Please,pleasedon’tsayno,”hebegged,andIwasimmediatelyonedge.Iputdownmypen.
“What?”
“Nickihasinvitedusallglamping.”
“Glamping.Right.”Iblinked.“Why?”
“Shethinksitwouldbe—andIquote—asuper-funbondingexperience.”
“Andwhydoyouknowaboutthis,butIdon’t?”Isnorted,tappingmynotepadwithmypen.
“Becauseshewantedtoinviteyou,butIaskedifIcoulddoit”—hesighed—“becauseIknewyou’dsayno.”
Iclosedmyeyesbriefly,thenlookedaroundthecoffeeshopandwonderedifanyotherclientelewerecurrentlybattlingintrusiveinfluencerswhowantedtotakethemonfancyholidays.Probablynot.
“AndwhywouldIsayno?”OfcourseI’msayingno.
“Ugh,Idon’tknow,moralsorsomeotherridiculousness?Aly,comeon.Ineedthis.”
“Youneedthis?”Ilaughed,takingasipofmycoffee.“YouneedtogoglampingwitharealityTVstarslashheiress.Because…”
“BecauseBen’sgoing.Andmycurrentplanreliesonproximity.”
“Andthisplanis…”
“Tohangoutwithhimuntilhecavesandsleepswithmeagain.Andthenkeepsleepingwithhimuntilhefallsinlovewithme.”
Iexhaled.“Oh,good,completelynuts,excellent.WhydoIneedtogo?Gowithoutme.Godspeed.”
“BecauseIneedyou,okay?Ineedthesupport.Iamdoingwhatyousaid,fightingformyman.Andifyoudon’tcome,I’mgoingtocave.Ineedyoutohelpmebebrave,okay?”
Ismiled,feelingalittleteary.“Youneedme?”
Helaughed.
“Howisthatsurprising?Iamthrowingmyselfatyourmercy.Pleasehelpmetrickthismanintolovingme.”
“Notrickery,nofixing—”Istarted.
“Iknow,I’mjoking,”hesaidwarmly.“Ijustneedmoralsupport.IloveTola,butshe’syoungandpeoplefallalloverthemselvestodateher;shedoesn’tgetwhatitmeans,howrarethisstuffiswhenyoufindit.Usoldieshavegottosticktogether.”
Iexhaledslowly,rubbingmyforehead.“Eric…thestuffwithDylanandNicki—”
“Iknow,it’sawkward,andyoufeelweirdaboutit,andyouwanttocallthewholethingoff.Buttheyaresuperloveduprightnow.Like,shecouldnotstopgoingonabouthimonthephone.She’sreallyhappy.He’sreallyhappy.They’vegottheirbigpresentation;it’sallhappeningthewayyouplanned.”
I’mnotsureitis.
Butitwastrue,socialmediatoldthestoryoftheUK’smostbeautiful,enamoredcouple.Therehewasinherbed,nakedfromthewaistup,breakfasttraysettlednexttohim,hairlookingperfectlymussed.He’dclearlystoppedoverthinking,stoppedworryingtheyweren’trightforeachother.Theperfectboyfriendwasbackagain,andIknewIshouldhavebeenhappy,butitkilledmejustalittle.
“Youreallyneedmetodothis?”Iasked,dreadinghisanswer.
“Please,thisisit.Love,whitefences,marriage,beagles.Morningcoffeeandmatchingpajamasandgettingoldandwrinklytogether.He’smysomeone,Aly.”
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dheardEricthatsincere.Andthatvulnerable.
“Well…fuck.LikeIcansaynoafterthat,youutterbastard.”
Iheardhimsighinrelief,andthenlaugh.
“Good,wegoonThursday.”
“IfItakemoretimeoff,Felixwillkillme.”
“Youknowwhyhewon’t?”Ericreplied.“Becauseit’syourentitledholiday,you’renotaseniorstaffmember,and,oh,yeah,you’reallowedtohavealife.Ifhewantedyoutobechainedtoyourdesk,heshouldhaveincentivizedyouwhenhehadthechance.”
Isatup,asifhe’djustshakensomesenseintome.“You’reright.Thankyou.Yeah!Okay,thiscouldbefun.Glampingwithanheiress.Atleastit’sastory,right?”
Andachanceformetohaveaone-to-onechatwithNickiandputthiswholethingtobedonceandforall.OperationUnfixIt.
“Onewe’llbetellingourkids!”Ericlaughed,suddenlyenergized.“Okay,I’vegottagoshopping!IneedsomethingthatsaysI’mcrazyaboutyouandI’moutandproudandalsoI’mgoodatbeinginnature.”
Ilaughed.“Erm…yourbirthdaysuit?”
“Worldenoughandtime,sweetheart.Seeyoutomorrow!”NINETEEN
Afewdayslater,Isatonmyfrontstepwaitingforthemtopickmeup,scrollingthroughsocialmedia.Ihadsixmissedcallsfrommymotheralreadythatmorning,andabunchofmessagesIhadn’topened.Itwastoorawand,quitefrankly,Iwantedtostayangry.Iwantedtopunishheralittlelonger.
IkeptreturningtothatphotoofNickiandDylaninbed,theirperfectbreakfasttray,theadoringsmilesontheirfaces.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhataboutitwasdisturbingme.Wasitaweirdfilter,hadtheyphotoshoppedit?
Ittookmeaminutetorealize—therewasnoSt.Christopheraroundhisneck.Sincehismumdied,I’dneverseenhimwithoutit.AndNickihadtoldhimshedidn’tlikeit,thatitdidn’tfitherbrand.Maybethiswasrealforhim,then,he’dcompletelythrownhimselfinheadfirst,nodoubts.Noexcuses.JustlikeI’dtoldhimto.Itshouldhavebeenawin.
Hewantedustobelikewewerewhenwewerekids,butIcouldn’tdothat.Ineededdistance,space.Sometimetofigureouthowtobethisversionofmyselfwithhim.Nottogiveeverythingawayandlethim…beDylan.Hecouldn’tbethemostimportantpersoninmylifethistimeround.
Besttotakeastepback,beprofessional,notlethimgettooclose.
Whichwasn’tlikelytobeeasyinatent…
Iheardacarhonkingloudlyandlookedupinshock.Itwasagoddamnlimousine.Ihadseverelyunderestimatedthislifestyle,clearly.But,hey,I’dwantedagoodstorytotell.IpaintedonasmileandhikedmybagovermyshoulderasIstood.
“Hi,guys!”
Theywaved,alloftheminside,alreadydrinkingbubblyandplayingmusicentirelytooloudly.
Thedrivertookmybackpackandputitintheboot,andIimmediatelyregrettedmypracticalclothes,justlikeI’dknownIwould.
Islidintothecar,thediscolightsblindingmeslightly,andlaughedatthem,dazed.
“ArewegoingglampingorareweAmericanteenagersgoingtotheprom?”Isaid,andTolasnorted.Benwinkedashehandedmeaglassofprosecco.
“Thisisjustforeffect,”Nickisaid,smilingtoowidelyatme,thatmermaid-to-piranhavibeemanatingfromher.ShedrapedherselfaroundDylan.“Ijustwantyouguystofeelspecial.ToknowhowmuchItrulyappreciateyou,andeverythingyou’vedoneforDylanandBen.”
Ilookedaround.“NoPriya?”
Nickipoutedalittle,butcovereditwithasmile.“Childcareissues.”
“Andshe’drathereatglassthangocamping,”Bensupplied.
“Itoldyou,it’sglamping,”Nickistarted,andDylanputanarmaroundher.
“Andshe’sgoingtobeveryjealouswhenwe’reallhavingalovelytimeandshe’smissingout,”hesaid,placatingher,andshelookedathimwithsuchgratitudeandreliefthatIwasalittlestunned.WhowastherealFixerUpperhere?
“Besides,Ijustthoughtitwouldbesoniceforusalltohangouttogether,beforethebigpresentationanditallcomestoanend!”Nickisaidinnocently,andIlookedather,tryingtofigureoutwhatwashappening.
“Beforethemoststressfulmeetingofourlifeisover?”Dylanlaughed,pullingNickiinforahug.“Idon’tthinkwe’regoingtobeupsetatthatbeingdone,babe.Infact,ifIneverhavetowearasuitanddoapresentationagain,it’llbetoosoon.”
Nickifrowned,quizzical.“Butyoulookgreatinasuit.”
“Healsolooksgreatinjeans,it’sreallyunfair,”Bensaid,andeveryonelaughed.“ButatleastthatwayIdon’tfeellikeI’mabouttobetoldoffbythebigboss.”
“But…heisthebigboss.”Nickifrownedagain,beforesmoothingoutherforehead.
“IthinkBenjustmeansoncewe’vehopefullygotthisfunding,wedon’thavetoworrytoomuchaboutthelookofthingsanymore.We’llhavethebackingtodowhatwewant,tobuildstuffthatmatters.AndwecandothatlookingmightyfineinjeansandaT-shirt.”
“Andinalessexpensiveoffice.”Bensmiledpointedly,andIwonderedwhyhethoughtnowwastherighttimetopushthisissue.Nickilookedaghast.
“Well”—Ismiled—“definitelysomethingtochataboutwhenthetimecomes,butyouneverknowhowlifecanchangewhenthesedealscomein!Sohere’stosuccess!”Iheldupmyglass,andeveryonejoinedin.
Dylansentmeagratefullook,andNickilookedbetweenus,suddenlysuspicious.
“It’ssuchashamewewon’tallbehangingoutlikethisafterthepresentation,”shesaidagain,andIsuddenlyrealizedwhatshemeant.Shewantedmeoutofthepicture.Shedidn’twanttheproofofhersubterfugesittingaroundwithaloadedgunaftershegotwhatshewanted.Atanytime,Icouldturnonher,tellDylanthetruth,destroyherrelationship.Ofcourseshewantedmefar,faraway.
Iclearlywasn’ttheonlypersonschemingonthistrip.
NickiwaslookingatDylanlikehewaseverythingshewanted,andwhenshelookedatme,itwaslikeIwasn’tthepersononsideanymore…Iwastheonestandinginthewayofitall.Sheknew.SheknewIwantedtocallthewholethingoff.
Therewasn’tenoughairinthelimousine,andIcouldfeeleverybumpintheroadaswespedalong.Surelywecouldn’tgetonthemotorwayinthisthing?Ineededfreshairandaplacetohide.
IfeltTola’seyesonme,andIsmiled,tryingtoletherknoweverythingwasfine,evenasthenauseamademeshake
“Here.”Dylanpassedbackabottleoflemonade,tryingtocatchmyeye.“Shouldhelpwiththecarsickness.”
Inodded,sippinggratefully.
“Yougetcarsick,Aly?”Ericfrowned,andsuddenlyIfelttheireyesonme.“You’veneverbeenillinmycar.”
“Onlyonthemotorway,”Dylansaid,andthecarwassilentforamoment.
IralliedandlookedoveratEric.“Besides,Ijustpukeinthegloveboxofyourcarwhenyou’renotlooking.Youknow,justtobepolite.”
Thatsmootheditover,butstill,Nickiwaswatchingmelikeshedidn’tlikewhatshesaw.
IlookedatDylan,andIknewhewasthinkingthesamething—hehadn’ttoldNickiaboutourfriendshipwhenwefirstmet,howcouldhetellhernow?Whatamess.IglaredatEric,becauseobviouslythiswasallhisfault.
“What?”hehissedatme,andIpointedatmyphoneasItextedhim.
IfI’mnotmaidofhonoratyourweddingafterthis,I’mneverspeakingtoyouagain.
Ofcourse,theglampingsitewasunlikeanythingI’deverseen.ItwasInstagrammable,aninfluencer’sdream,andobviouslytheywerepreparedforNicki’sarrival.Itwasallportersandluxurycabins,littlepastelbicyclesparkedatdifferentstops.Weweredriveningolfcartsaroundthegrounds,shownthedifferenteventsavailable,andthewoodlandspa,untilwewerefinallydepositedoutsideouryurts.
I’dbeencampingbefore,onschooltrips,andwithmyfamilyabroad.AtfestivalswithDylan.Thiswasaworldawayfromallthat.
Ournameswereonthetents,andInotedwithinterestthatBenandEricweresharing.TolaandIsharedalookwithNicki,whowiggledhereyebrowsandsmiled,andforamoment,itfeltlikeeverythingwouldbeallright.
AndthenDylanlookedattheirnamesontheplankofwoodoutsidethebiggestbelltent.“Wow,thehoneymoonsuite!”
“Maybeit’sgoodinspiration!”Nickisaidcoyly,flutteringherlashesathim.Iheldmybreath,wonderinghowhe’dreact.Thatpressure,socasuallymentioned.He’dbeenaworldawayfromthatwhenwetalked.Andyet,somethingmusthavechanged,becauseDylanjustlaughed,threwheroverhisshoulder,slappedheronthebehind,anddisappearedintothetent.
Iwantedtothrowup,notfrommotionsicknessthistime.
“Youdidit!Somehowyoudidit!”Tolagrabbedmyhandandpulledmeinsidetheyurt.“Whatdidyoudo,whatchanged?”
Ishrugged.“Theyjustneededalittleroomtounderstandeachother,Ithink.”
“TheFixerUpperstrikesagain!”Tolatippedanimaginaryhat,butIshookmyheadsadly.
“Idon’tthinkitwasme.”
“Ibetitwas.”
Ididn’twanttotakecredit.Dylanwashappy,Nickiwashappy,thepresentationwouldgowell,andthenIwouldfadeouttostageleft.Icouldn’tstayhisfriend;Nickiwouldn’tallowit.Itcompromisedher.AndDylanwouldmakethechoicethatmadeherhappy.He’dsurvivedallthistimewithoutme,hedidn’tneedme.We’dbethosepeoplewhooccasionallylikedeachother’ssocialposts.Thatwouldbefine.
TolaandIlookedaroundtheroomforamoment,takingitallin.Twobeautifulfour-posterbedsdominatedtheroom,coveredinknittedthrows,eachwithalittletreatbasketreadywithournamesandacardwelcomingus.Therewerehammocksandchairsandalittlechangingareabehindapaintedroomdivider.Inthecenteroftheyurthungahugechandelier.Itwasbeautiful.
AndthenIheardNickigiggle.
“Let’sjumpinthehottubandorderfancycocktailsfromcutebarmen?”Tolaoffered,pattingmyhandinsympathy.
“IthinkI’mgonnagoforarunfirst,”Isaid.WhilstIwaschanging,myphonerang.
“It’syourmum,”Tolayelled.“ShallIanswerit?”
“No.”
“Comeon,eventuallyyou’regonna…”
“Eventually,T.Onmyterms,okay?I’mnotreadyyet.”
SheheldherhandsupasIemergedinmyrunninggear.“Fairenough.Soyou’rejustgoingtoleavemeherelikethelimplettuce,sandwichedbetweentwoshaggingcouples?”
Ilaughed.“You’reverygoodatmakingyourownfun.BythetimeI’vecomeback,you’llhavecharmedallthestaffandmadeagroupoflifelongfriendsatthebar.”
“True.”Shenodded,surveyingherfingernails.“Fine,goifyoumust,butnocallingwork.”
Iheldupmyhands.“That’stheoldme.Newmeisnotthatperson.”
“Goodtohearit,babe,thoughfortherecord,Ilikedoldyou,too.”
“You’retheonlyone.”Ishookmyhead,disappearingfromthetent.
I’dneverreallylikedrunning.ItwassomethingIdidbecauseitwasgoodforme,becauseitfeltlikebeingagrown-up.Becauseitwasimportanttodothingsyoudidn’tlikeandjustgetthehellonwithit.ButbeingawayfromNickiandDylan,unhookingthatclaspedfeelinginmychest,thatguiltinmystomach…runningwasthebestthingIcouldhavedone.ThegroundswerebeautifulandwitheachinhaleIfeltalittlemoreincontrol,alittlemorelikemyself.InoddedandsmiledasIpassedafewothersrunningtogetherintheotherdirection.
MaybeIshouldjoinarunningclub?MaybethatwaswhereI’dbeengoingwrong,withthesolodiningandtheinsistenceIcoulddoeverythingonmyown?MaybeactuallywhatIneededwasotherpeople.Friendlyfacesandmindlessconversationasweallmovedinthesamedirection.Separatebutunited.Feelinglikeapartofsomething,butstillfeelinglikemyself.
WhenIarrivedbackandhadmyshower,Ifeltcalmer,likeIwasn’tabouttoshakeapartattheseams.ButTolawasn’tinthetent,andwhenIventuredoutsideandroundtheback,Ifoundhersettingupthehottub.
Therewaschampagnechillinginabucketontheside,anarrayofsnacksonalittletable,andtwofluffyrobes.Ilookedather.“YougotahotdateIdon’tknowabout?”
Shepointedatme.“ItoldyouonedayIwasgonnacrackthatheadopenandseewhatwasinside.”Shegesturedtothehottub.“Thattimeisnow.”
Iconsideredfighting,butatthispoint,Iwastootired.Ichangedintomybikiniandcamebackout,slippingintothewarmwaterwithasigh.Shetoppedupmyglassandgotin,too,clinkingourglasses.
“It’snottooshabby,thisrich-girllifestyle,”shesaid.“IthinkIcouldmanageit.”
“Ithinkyou’ddofabulously.”Ismiledather,butcaughtthatglintinhereye.“Uh-oh.”
“Yup,”sheagreed,“enoughavoidance.Whatthehellisgoingonwithyou?”
“Itoldyouthestuffwithmymum…”
Tolanodded.“AndI’msuperhonoredthatyoutrusteduswiththat.Butthat’snotwhatI’mtalkingabout.Andit’snotworkorthepromotion.Idon’teventhinkit’stheFixerUpper.”
Quitethenumberofmessestochoosefrom.Isankdownuntilthewaterwasuptomychin.“Okaythen,smarty-pants,what’sitallabout?”
“DylanJames.”
Ilookedaroundinpanic,asifshe’dconjuredhim,butshewavedherhand.“They’reallintheforestbargettingcocktails.That’swhyIwantedustohaveachancetotalkalone.Becauseyouaren’tgreatat…feelings.”
Ifrowned.“That’snottrue.”
“Oh,don’tgetmewrong,you’reexcellentatotherpeople’s,knowingwhatmakesthemtick,howtheythink,whythey’rehurting.ButIthinkyou’renotbeinghonestwithyourselforwithus.Why’sitdifferentwiththisproject,Aly?Whyisthistheonethat’sbreakingyou?”
Ipressedmylipstogether,sigheddeeply.
“Becauseit’shim.”
Tolanodded.
“Helovedme,backthen.Ilovedhim,andhelovedme,andIfuckeditupbecauseIwasafraid.”Irubbedmyforehead.“AndIcan’tstopthinkingaboutit.Ican’tstopthinkingaboutwhatwouldhavehappened,andifwe’dstillbetogethernow,andif…ifwewouldhavebeenhappy.”
“Happierthanheiswithher?”
Iwinced,thrashinginthewater.“Imadethishappen.Itoldhimwhatheneededtohear,whatheneededtodo,andnowlookatthem,they’reperfect!IdidexactlywhatIwasmeanttodo,anditkillsme.”OnceI’dstarted,Icouldn’tstop.“BecauseIdon’tgettokeephim.YouknowwhatthistripisfromNicki?Alasthurrahsoshecangetridoftheevidence.Youdon’tkeeparoundthepersonwhocleansupthedeadbody.”
Tolaquirkedasmile.“Melodramatic.Soyou’regonnatellNickiit’salloff?”
Inodded,gulpingdownmychampagneandwaitingasTolarefilledit.“Yes,I’mgonnacallitoff.I’llhelpDylanwithhispresentationbecausehe’smyfriend,andthenIwillfadeintothebackground.MaybeIcanprovetoherI’mnotathreat,intime.Shecan’toutmewithoutoutingherself,afterall.”
“Andwe’rebackintotheplottingandschemingandcontrolling!”Tolayelped,frustrated.“Aly,you’rehonestlytellingmeyou’renotgoingtofightforyourman?”
“He’snotmine.Andhe’shappy!”
“Becauseyoumadehimthatway!”Tolasaid.“Heknewyougotcarsickonthemotorway.Heknowswhenyouneedtobetakenawayfortheday,heknowswhattoaskyoutomakeyoufeelbetter.Whenhaveyoueverhadthatfromoneofthoseprojectsyoudated?Whenhaveyoueverletoneofthemknowyouenoughtolookafteryou?”
Ilookedather,frozeninhorror.Howdidn’tIseeitallalong?Itookadeepbreathandlaughed.
“Damn,Tola.Twoshotsstraighttothechest.Savage.”
Shesnortedatthat,holdingupherglassinrecognitionofhertriumph.
“Toughloveisagoodkindalove,andIdon’tthinkyouhaveanyoneelseinyourlifetoofferit.Becausethey’realltooscaredofyou.”Shegrinned.“ButIseeyou.Also,youareveryprettyandniceanddeservegoodthings.Sothere.It’salovesandwich.”
“ButdoyouthinkI’mdoingtherightthing,withDylan?”
“Oh,absolutelynot.I’veneverreallygoneinforthe‘self-sacrificeforthegreatergood’thing.Beingmiserableforthesakeofitisn’treallymybrand,youknow?Andit’sarroganttothinkyouknowhowhefeelsaboutyou.”
“IknowhowhefeelsaboutNicki.”
Tolarolledhereyes.“Well,Iwouldn’thaveapprovedanyway.Lovingsomeoneyoukissedoncewhenyouwereeighteen.Youdon’tevenknowifthesexwouldbegood.Whatawaste.”
Isplashedher,laughingasIclosedmyeyes.Ifnothingelse,Ihadgoodfriends.Excellent,ridiculous,realfriends.
“SocanIbringupsomethingwhilstyou’reinthissuper-chilledstateofbeing,withmeasyourspiritualguide?”Tolaassumedasaintlyexpression.
“I’mnotgonnalikethis,amI?”
“Well,thatpositiveattitudelastedaboutthirtyseconds!”shehuffed.“We’vegottatalkaboutwhatwe’redoingwiththeFU,babe.Idon’tthinkweshouldbefixingmenforwomen.”
“Youthinkweshouldbeteachingthemhowtodoitdirectly,efficiently?Likea‘teachamantofish’approach?”Iasked.
“No,Ithinkweshouldbeteachingthemtheydeservebetter.”
JustlikeAmyandherwriterboy.Ofcourse.
Tolawassostrikingmostofthetime,butI’dneverseenherlikethis:almostbarefaced,glowingwithboozeandthelightofthewater,smilingatmewithdetermination.Noneofherstyletodistractfromtheglorioussubstance.Itmighthavebeenmystupidskillthatlaunchedtheidea,butitwasTola,hervision,herdrive,thathadbroughtushere.Anditcouldbeherwhotookusinanewdirection.
“YouknowI’vegotfoursisters,right?”Tolasaid,andInodded.
“Oneofthemmarriedaniceguy,justoneofthem.Andevenhe’sprettyuseless.”Shelaughed,shakingherhead.“Butit’sliketheyputupwithit,forlove.Forsomeonetolookatthemandownthemanddemandthingsfromthem,fortherestoftheirlives.Buttheyjustwantedsobadlytobechosen…andnowit’slikeit’snormal.It’snormaltobebelittledbythepersonyoumarry,andexpectthemtobeacrapdadandalazypartnerandjustnotexpectmoreofthemormoreforyou?Idon’twannabelikethat,babe.AndIdon’twantanyotherwomentobelikethat,either.”
Inodded.
“Well…Ididliketellingthatgirlherstupidboyfriendwantedhertobeeatenbysharks…”Isaid,“butIdon’twannabeaPI,dealingwithcheatingandstuff.Whatareyousuggesting?Webecomerelationshipcounselors?”
“I’msuggestingwedosomethingthatwriteswomenasthemaincharactersintheirownstories.”Shenoddedatme,wigglinghereyebrows,likeshewastryingtosellmesomething.“Soundsgood,right?”
Itookamomenttothinkaboutit,consideringallthoseprojectsI’ddated,andwhatIwouldhavedonedifferently.WhatlifewouldlooklikeifIwasn’tpretendingtobeadifferentmaincharacter,thatNewYorkwomaneatingalone.WhatwoulditlooklikeifIwasjustme,iftheywerejustthem?
“Sayingno,”Isaidsuddenly,thinkingofMama.“Buildingself-esteem,rebuildingafterdamagingrelationships.Equippingthemwiththelanguagetoaskforpayraisesandpromotions.”
Tolabitherlipandnodded.“Nowwe’retalking.”
“Butthat’ssomanythings!There’ssomanythingswecoulddo…whatisitactuallygoingtolooklike,thisvisionofyours?”
Shegrinnedandshrugged.“Idon’tknowyet,staytunedformorenewsasitarrives.Butwhenitdoes,Iwantyouwithme.”
Whenitgottoohot,wepulledourselvesoutandsatontheedge,lookingatthedarkeningsky.
“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Youcantry.”Shesmiled.
“Hasitalwaysbeenthiseasyforyou?Thewayyouare…howgoodyouarewithyourself?Theconfidence,thedrinksfromstrangers,thepeoplefawningalloveryou?”
Shethoughtaboutit.“Ihavemymoments,mywobbles.ButIfeelbestwhenI’mbeingtruetomyself.Doesn’tmeanIdon’tfeelvulnerablesometimes,doesn’tmeanIdon’tworrythatmyfriendswillgettiredofme—IknowI’malotforsomepeople.Icanbepainfullyhonestatthewrongtime,Icanhurtpeople.Idon’talwaysgetitright.But,no,Idon’thaveshameorregretinmychoices.”
Shefaltered,andIhadtoknowwhatthatexceptionwas.“What?”
“Imean…thereareafewregrets,Iguess.Ihavethismate,andwelikeeachother.We’velikedeachotherforalongtime,messedeachotheraboutabitintheprocess.Buttheideaoffuckingitup,oflosingherinmylife,itdoesn’tseemworththerisk.Sowemessaround,andthenIgooffandscrewsomeguybecauseit’seasier,andshepretendsshe’snothurtandIpretendI’mnotannoyed,andwestartitallagain.”
“Whoa,”Isaid.“Thatsounds…complicated.”
“Yeah,I’mnotafanofcomplicated.Notforme,anyway.Forrampantoverthinkersandoverfeelers,likeyouandEric,sure.ButIlikethingssimple.Primarycolors,youknow?”
“Sowhatareyougoingtodo?”
“I’mgoingtoavoidituntilit’sunavoidable.And,I’mgoingtogodancing.Youwannacome?”
Ilookedupatthestarsassheswungherlegsoutofthehottubandslippedherfeetintoherflip-flops.“There’llbedancinganddrinksandprobablysemifamouspeople.Youin?”
Ishookmyhead.“Yougoandhavefun.I’menjoyingthisquiettime.”
IresisteddunkingmyselfbackunderthewateruntilafterTolahadleft,wavinggood-byeassheambledupthepath.AndthenIfullysubmergedmyshoulders,revelinginthewarmthafterthecrispnessoftheeveningairagainstmyskin.IwonderedifTolawouldcomebacktotheyurtthatnightorifshe’dbesweptupinsomeloveaffair.Anemotionalpalate-cleanser.
Ireachedacrossthetubtotopupmyglassandsighedinsatisfaction,eyesclosed.Perfectsilence,thedarksky,andnoworries.Noneedingtopretendtobesomeoneelse,nohiding,nosecrets
“Hey,thereyouare!”Iheardavoice,andwhenIblinkedmyeyesopen,DylanwaspullinghisT-shirtoverhishead.“Theothersaredancingattheforestbar,butIwonderedwhereyouwere.Pourmeoneofthose,wouldya?”
Ibusiedmyselfreachingforanewglassandfillingit,soIdidn’thavetolookathimashepulledhisjeansoff.IwaiteduntilIheardthesplashesbeforeIturnedback,smileonmyface.
“Why,thankyou.”Heclinkedhisglassagainstmineandsipped,lookingaroundus.“Well,thisisthelife.”
“It’scertainlyveryfancy,”Iadmitted,restingmyheadontheedgeandlookingupattheskyagain.“Ilikefeelingsmallandinsignificant.Awholeworldstartinganeweveryminute.Inconsequentialproblems.”
“Aly,comeon.Youcouldneverbeinsignificant.”DylanfrownedatmelikeI’dsaidsomethingwrong.
“Ididn’tmeanitnegatively.”Ishrugged,myeyesdrawntothelinesofhisarmsashestretchedout.
AndthenIsawthatsilverSt.Christopheraroundhisneckandsmiled,relieved.
“What’sthesmilefor?”
Ishookmyhead.“Thefactthatsomethingsstaythesame.It’scomforting.”
Hegavemeasearchinglook,brightblueeyesonmine.“Somethingsdostaythesame,youhavenoidea.”
Ifeltmybreathingspeedupandstruggledtolookaway.
“Fivethings,”Iblurted,likeasafeword.Anythingtostophimlookingatmelikethat.
Dylannodded,thinkingaboutit,tappinghisfingersononeedgeofthehottub.Iputmydrinkdownandpulledmylegsupunderme,cuddlingmyknees.
“Theviewfromtheskywalk,”hesaidslowly,likehewascarefullycuratinghislist.“Thelittlecaramelwafersinthegiftbasket.SeeingBenfinallyfallingforsomeone…”Heraisedaneyebrowatme,alookofmischiefcrossinghisfeaturesbeforebringinghisfingertohislips.“Shh,it’sasecret.”
Mygrinwasimpossibletostop.Inodded.
“That’sthree,”Iprompted,waitingforhimtomentionNicki,throwingheroverhisshoulder,spendingthedaywithher.Thepersonwhomadeallthispossible.Fallingmoreinlovewithherbytheday.
“Thebartenderwhomademeanincrediblystrongcocktailwithatwenty-year-oldrum,”Dylanwhisperedloudly,andlaughedathimself.“Shh,it’sanothersecret.”
Igiggled,shakingmyheadandwatchingasheshiftedcloser,untilhisarmreachedalongbehindme,untilIalmostslottedintohissideandhewasnearenoughthatIwasbreathinghisair.Thoseeyesstillkilledme.
“Andnumberone,withabullet,”hesaidsoftly,raisingahandtotraceapieceofhairnearmytemple,“ishowthisonepieceofyourhairstillmanagestocurllikethat,acorkscrewthatcan’tbecontrolled,evenafterfifteenyears.”Hislipsquirked,eyesfocusedonthatstrandofhair.“It’satiny,beautifulmiracle.”
Mybreathingbecameshallowagain,myheartraced,andIclosedmyeyes.Whatthehellareyoudoing?
“You’redrunk?”Ishouldn’thavemadeitaquestion.
Dylansmiledatme,shruggingoneshoulder.“Doesn’tmatter,wedon’tlieaboutfivethings,”hesaid,andthenslidbackawayalittle,reachingforhisglass.“Welieabouteverythingelse,butnotthat.”
“Andthat’smyfault?”Iasked,claspingmyhandsintofistsunderthewatertostopthemfromshaking.“You’retheonewhopretendedyoudidn’tknowme.Youstartedallthis.”
“Oh,Iknow,”helaughed,shakinghisheadathimself.“Ididn’twanttogiveyouthesatisfaction,andnowIcan’tsaytomygirlfriend,‘Oh,bytheway,darling,thispersonyouintroducedmetoisactuallymybestfriend.’?”
“Andshe’snotintendingforustostayfriendswhenthisisallover,”Isaidthoughtlessly,andDylanfrowned.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Igesturedbetweenus.“Shedoesn’tlikethisthing.AndIdon’tblameher,becausehowwouldyouexplaintwopeoplewhohatedeachotherforweekssuddenlyknowingintimatedetailsabouteachother’slives?”
“Shethinksweslepttogether?”Dylanblinked,liketheideahadneverevenoccurredtohim.
“Orthatwewantto,whichispotentiallyworse.”
Hedidadoubletakeandfrownedatme.“Howisthatworse,Aly?Thinkingaboutsomethingisworsethandoingsomething?”
Ibreathedslowly.“Potentialisalwaysworse.”
Heshookhisheadagain,asifitwasthemaddestthinghecouldimagine.
“That’snuts.Besides,youmayaswelltellmetostopbreathing,”helaughed,tippingthelastofhischampagnedownhisthroat.
“What?”
“Wantingtobewithyou,it’salwaysthere.LiketinnitusorthewaymywristsclickwhenIstretch.It’sjustpartofme.Somedaysit’slouderandsomedaysit’sawhisper,butit’salwaysthere.That’swhathappenswhenyoulovesomeoneforoveradecade,itlivesinyourbones,likeanecho.”
Iclosedmyeyes,andmychestcontracted.
“Ishouldhaveaskedyouexactlyhowdrunkyouwere,shouldn’tI?”Istooduptogetout,reachingfortherobeontheside,andhejuststaredatme.
“What?WhatdidIdo?”
“You’rebeinginappropriate,”Iwhispered,unsurewhetherIwasmakingascene.
“BecauseIfancyyou?”Helaughed.“Newsflash,Aly:fanciedyouformostofourfriendship.Didn’tstopusbeingfriends.Didn’tstopusdatingotherpeople.”
“You,”Isaid,“youdatedotherpeople.Andnowyou’reswanningaroundflirtingwithmeandsayingthingswhenyou’reclearlyonyourwaytomakingarealcommitmenttoNicki.That’snotgoodguybehavior.”
Isawhimtakeabreath,nodasifgettinghimselfbackintocharacter.“You’reright.You’reabsolutelyright.Ithoughtwecouldgettothatflirtyfriendshipstraightaway,andIwaswrong.Sitdown.Ipromisetosoberup.”
Iloweredmyselfdowncarefully,eyeinghim.
“Soistheresomeonespecialinyourlife?Wehaven’tdiscussedyourlovelifeatall,andyouknowallaboutmine,”hesaidpointedly.
“Dylan.”
“What,I’mbeingfriendly.I’maskingaboutyourrelationship,that’swhatfriendsdo.”Heheldhishandsup.
“I’mnotseeinganyone,no.”
Dylantiltedhishead.“Whynot?”
“Becauseitfeelslikeawasteoftimerightnow.EverymanI’vedatedhasbenefitedfrombeingwithme,hasgrownandchanged.AndIhaven’tchangedatall.”
I’mstillhere,fifteenyearslater,lookingatyoulikeyou’retheanswertomyproblems.Stilltooscaredtotellyouthetruth.BecauseI’minlovewithyoustill,andit’sfuckingkillingme,youarsehole.
“You’vechanged,”hesaid,consideringhiswordscarefully.“You’resomeonewhoneverfoundwhattheywerelookingforandispatchworkingittogetherinstead.”
Ididn’twanttoaskwhatthatmeant,whetheritwasacompliment,whyitmademefeelasifIwantedtocry.Ijustshookmyhead,andwesatinsilenceforamoment.Sometimesitwaseasiertogobackwardthantogoforward.Thatwassafestforus,livinginnostalgiaandnotthinkingaboutourfuture.Wedidn’thaveafuture.
“Tellmesomethingtrue,Dyl.”
Hemadeaface,pointingtohispileofclothes.“Damn.Ihadareallygoodoneaboutflamingos,butit’sinmyjeansbackpocket.”
He’sgotanotherAlylist?Mystomachclenched.
“Okay,thentellmewhat’sgoingonwithyou.”
“I’m—”hewenttodeny,andIshookmyhead,holdingafingerup.
“Somethingtrue.”
“IliedtoNickiaboutmydad.Shewantedtomeethimandwassoexcitedaboutit.Icouldn’ttellherwedon’ttalkanymore.”
“Why?”
“Ididn’twanttodisappointher.Thingshavebeensogoodtheselastcoupleofweeks.I’vebeenfollowingmyAlyadvice,justlikeIalwaysdid.”Hethrewmeagratefulsmile.“I’llarrangesomethingandhavehimmysteriouslycalltocancelatthelastminute.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid,andfelthishandreachformine,squeezingmyfingersunderthewater.
“Myfault.Beenplayingthehappy-go-luckyfellaforsolong,can’texpectpeopletotakemeseriouslystraightaway.”
Hesmiledsoftly,shakinghisheadatme,andIlaughed,lettinggoofhishand,buthereachedformineagain.
Ilethim,butwatched,desperatelyalert.
“YouknowIhadareallyclearplanforwhatIwantedwithmylife?”Dylansaidsuddenly,andIlookedathiminsurprise.Helaughed.“Iknow,right?Notlikemeatall.Buttheselastfewyears,Ihadthisvisionofwhatmyperfectlifewouldlooklike.Ofmerunningmyteamandmakingthingsthatmattered,stuffthatmadepeople’slivesbetter.AndI’dhave,like,abasicoffice,nothingfancybutnearagoodcoffeeplaceandeverydayI’dhaveanicechatwiththebaristaandtipreallywellandfindoutwhatwashappeninginthearea,bepartofthecommunity,youknow?”
Inodded,closingmyeyesasIlistened,stillholdinghishand.
“AndI’dhavethislittlehousenearaparkandgorunningonSundaymornings.Maybemydadwouldcomeandmeetme,andwe’druntogetherlikewhenIwasyounger,butwewouldn’tfightafter.AndI’dmakeahugeSundayroast,haveallthesefriendsaroundme.I’dgetadog,I’ddrinksangriainthegarden.Paintmylivingroomwallsbrightorange.Listmorethanfivethingseveryday.”
Iwasgettingdizzy.
“Soundsperfect,”Isaidfaintly,feelinghisthumbtracemypalm,mybreathingbecomingmoreshallow.Iopenedmyeyes.“You’rerightontrack.”
Helookedatme.“AmI?”
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Dyl?”
Histhumbstrokedmyknuckle,andIlookedathim,pleading.ButIdidn’tletgo,andIdidn’tmoveaway.
“IfeellikeeverydecisionI’mmakingrightnowistakingmefurtherawayfromthatlife.Sponsoredpostsandphotoshootsandfancyofficebuildings.Creditcardsforholidaysandhugebunchesofflowersandalways,alwaysapologizing.I’mexhausted,Aly.I’msotiredofpretending.”
Theslowstrokesupmywristwerekillingme.Itwastoowarm,andIwastoodrunk.
“Yousaidyouwerehappy,”Ibreathed,andhetiltedhisheadatme.
“I’dforgottenwhatitwaslike,howaddictiveitis,”hesaidquietly,eyesaverted.
“Whatis?”
“Youandme.Havinghistory.Havingeverythingmakesense.”
Ishookmyhead,pulledmyhandaway,andsteppedoutofthehottub,wrappingtherobearoundme.
“Fairenough,”Dylansaid,holdinghishandsupagain.“Ibroketherules.”
Icrossedmyarms,shakingmyheadathim.
“Iknowyou’rejustdoingthesamedanceyoualwaysdid,soIcan’treallyblameyouforthat,butyoucan’tcurluparoundher,andmakeherfeelspecialandmakelovetoher,andthencometomeforadvice.Youcan’tgiveherthepublicboyfriendpartofyourselfandthensavethebrokenbitsforme.Iknowthatwashowwealwaysworked,Iknow.AndI’msorry.Butitkilledmethen,andIwon’tletithappenagain.”
Hestoodup.“Aly,I—”
“Don’tworryaboutit.I’mgladwe’refriendsagain.Let’skeepitthatway,okay?”
Atthatmoment,theothersstumbledback,gigglingtogether.Theystoppedwhentheysawus.
“Ah,AlyandDylanarguingagain.Good,theworldhasturnedbacktomakingsense!”Benlaughed.“Arewegettingin?”
Ismiledathim.“Youguysgoforit,I’mashriveledprune!”
Dylanworeamatchingsmile,noddingasNickiaskedhimifhewasokay.
Iwalkedawayanddidn’tlookback.ThewayIshouldhavedonerightfromthebeginning.TWENTY
IwokeupwithTolanexttome,clutchingmyarmlikeadeterminedkoala.Iwonderedwhyshehadn’tsleptinherownking-sizedbed,butwhenIpeeredover,Isawitwaspiledhighwithclothes.
Shelookedsosweet,goldshimmereyeshadowsmudgedacrossherface,wearinganoversizedGunsN’RosesT-shirt.Likeanangelicchildwho’dcrawledintoherbigsister’smakeupcase.Iextractedmyselfandchangedintomyrunninggear,unzippingthetentcarefullyandfindingNickialreadyupinfullmakeup,takingselfiesoutsidethetent.
“Goodmorning!”shestage-whispered.“Justgettingsomeshots.”
Itookabreath.Shelookedsonormal,suddenly.Likeanyotherwomanwho’dcometomebecauseherboyfrienddidn’tseeher,ormakeaneffortforher,orwanttogrowup.Butshehadsomeonewhodidallthosethings,whotriedharderthananyone,anditstillwasn’tenough.
“Nicki,actually,Iwashopingtocatchyou—”
“Ofcourse,darling,itwouldbesolovelytohavesomeone-on-onetime,butI’vejustgottogetthisdone,okay?”SheknewwhatIwantedtosay,andshewasgoingtoputmeoffforaslongasshecould.
“Itreallywon’ttakelong,”Isaid,smilingmysharksmile.“Whydon’twegoandgetsomebreakfast,justthetwoofus?Catchuponwherewearewithourprojects?”
Thatcaughtherinterest.Shesmiled,alittleconfused,andnodded.
“Verywell,twistmyarm.I’vegiventhechefmynutritionist’srecipeforbuckwheatwaffles,solet’shopeheknowswhathe’sdoing!”
Wesettledinthegardenatatable,Nickismilingandwavingateveryonelikeshewasthebloodyqueen.
“Sorry,it’ssoembarrassing,butitcomeswiththeterritory.”Shesmiled,eyesbacktoherphone.Iputmyhandoverthescreen,andshelookedatmeinshock.
“Iwashopingwecouldhavealittlechat.”
“AboutDylan?”sheasked,placingthephoneonthetablebutcontinuingtolookatitlikeitmightholdtheanswerstotheuniverse.
“AboutDylan.”
Nickifinallynoddedandgavemeherfullattention.
“You’vemadegoodprogress,I’llgiveyouthat.”Shesippedhergreensmoothiethoughtfully.“WhenIsawhowmuchhehatedyouatthebeginning,Ihadmydoubts,butitseemsasifthetwoofyoufoundsomecommonground?”
“Idon’t…”
“Imean,he’sbeensolovingandattentiverecently,soIhavetocreditthattoyou.”Shesmirkedatme.“Allthoselongsessionsworkingonthepresentation,andIthoughthe’dbeexhausted,buthe’drunovertomyplace,sosuddenlyenthusiastic,so…passionate.”
Sheknewwhatshewasdoingtome.HowobviousmustIbetoher,thewomanwhofellforhermark?Aserverarrivedwithourfood,andIofferedapolitesmileassheplacedtheplatesonthetable.Nickididn’tevenacknowledgetheyounggirl,butpausedtotakesomephotos.
“Well,anyway,darling,I’mnotreallysureweneedtocontinuewithourarrangementanymore.IthinkIcantakeitfromhere.”Herfacewasamask.“Youcankeepthemoney,ofcourse,Iunderstandthatyoureallydidhelpwiththebusinesssideofthings.Clearlythat’swhereyourskillsreallysit.”
“Idon’tunderstand.Youwanttocallthisoff?”
Sheadjustedherself,flickinghertressesoverhershoulder.Iwonderedhowearlyshehadtogetuptostraightenherhair,ifsheeverresentedit.Shepickedupherphoneagain,flickedthroughabsentmindedly,smilingatthenumberofLikesshegot.I’dneverrealizedhowmuchofajunkieshewas,howyounevergotherfullattention.Thatmustbewhyitwasusuallysoalluringwhensheofferedit,likeagift.Likeyouwerespecial.IwonderedifthatwashowDylanfelt.
“Itseemsinworkingtogether,Dylanhasdeveloped…anattachmenttoyou.”Shethrewupherhandslikeitwasridiculous.“Imentionedsettingyouupwithafriendofmine,kindoflikeasathank-youforallyourhelp,andhegotallannoyed.Youcan’tjustorganizepeople’sliveslikethat,Nicki,”shemimicked,thenrolledhereyes.“Ironic,right?Andthenthere’sallthein-jokes.”
“In-jokes?”Iwrackedmybrain.NickilookedatmelikeIwasamoron.
“Inthecar?Heknewyouwerecarsick!”
“Thatwasn’tajoke,”Isaid,tryingtolaughitoff,“andIlookedprettygreen.Imusthavementioneditatsomepoint.”
Nickilookedatme,reallystaring,asifshewastryingtosiphonthetruthoutofmebysheerforceofwill.I’dseenherdothisonrealityTV,staringforanuncomfortablylongamountoftime.I’dalwaysassumeditwasjustaneditingtricktotrytoekeoutthedrama,butnowIfiguredsomeproducerhadtoldheritwaspowerful.
“Look,Iagree.Ithinkweshouldcallthisquits,”Isaid.“Youcantakethemoneyback,thewholehundredgrand—Iwon’tchargeformytimespent.ButIjustdon’t…Idon’tfeelrightaboutit.”
Nickinoddedlikeitwaswhatshe’dexpected:weakness.
“It’sashame.Ifyoucouldhavedeliveredwhatyouwerepromising,you’dbeamillionaire.Anicon,”shelaughed.Iwantedtoscream.“Ithoughtwewereonthesamepagehere.Menneedtobesculptedalittle,encouraged.Reinforcegoodbehavior.Wealldoit,trytotrainthem.Butit’sjustsotime-consuming,soexhausting.”
Theserversteppedintoclearourplates,carefullyavertinghereyesassheleanedpast.Herbodywasrigid,hereyeswideassherecognizedNicki.Ithoughtherhandstrembledalittle.Ismiledandmoutheda“thankyou”assheleft.
IturnedbacktoNicki,shakingmyhead
“Ijust…Idon’tunderstandwhyhe’snotenoughforyouthewayheis,”Iargued.“He’sattentive,he’ssweet.Hecaresaboutyou,herespectsyourcareer,hepaysattentiontowhatyouneed.He’striedreallyhard,goingtotheevents,beingthatpersonyouneedhimtobe.Whyisn’titenough?”
Nickilookedatmeagain.“Becauseitwouldbeenoughforyou?”
Itriednottowince.“We’renottalkingaboutme.”
“Ithinkweare.”
Sheletthesilencesitagain,andthistimeIrefusedtobebullied.Isippedmycoffeedaintily,takingmytime,andthenIputthecupbackonthesaucerandsmiled.“I’mgoingtogo.Wedon’thavetotalkaboutthiseveragain.”
Shegavemealooklikesheknewshedidn’thavemuchtimeleft.Onewell-aimedshotwasallitwouldtake.
“Darling,IsaythisbecauseIdon’twantyoutogethurt.Butyourealizeyoudon’thaveachancewithhim,right?Imean,you’relovely,don’tgetmewrong,butyouhaveacertain…unpolishedquality.Hemightfeelprotectivetowardyou,likeasibling,hemightevenlikeyouasaperson,butDylanis,throughandthrough,justanotherguy.Helikeshiswomentoned,tanned,waxed,andwearinglingerie.Hecanpretendhe’snotintoalltheeffortIputin,butbelieveme,whenwe’realonehemakeshispreferencesclear.”
Itookasharpbreathandsmiled,leaningintowhispertoher.
“AndI’msayingthisbecauseIdon’twantyoutogethurt,Nicki—ifyouhavetomanipulatehimintoproposing,you’regoingtoneedtomanipulatehimintoeverydecisionfortherestofyourlives,andhe’sgoingtoresentyou.”
“AslongashecanholdoutuntilaftermyTVdeal,that’sfinewithme,”shebitback,andIlookedatherinshock.“Whenwegethome,theflatwillbesetupwithahugelyromanticbackdrop,withallofhisfavoritefoods,goodchampagne,andaphotomontage.Allthefantasticholidays,allthewonderfultimeswe’vehad.Andwhenheturnsaround,he’llfindmeholdingapendantonachain,areplicaoftheonehismothergavehim,butintwenty-four-caratgold.Aproposalgift.”
Iclosedmyeyes,itwassopainful.“Nicki,comeon.Didyougethimapuppy,too?”
“Iknowhim,”sheargued.“Iknowwhathelikes.Whathecaresabout.Hewantsthebeautifulapartmentandthesharpsuitsandthebigofficeandtheperfectwife.”
“Sothat’swhywecameonthistrip?Soyourassistantscouldsetuptheproposal?”Ilaughed,notevensurprisedanymoreasIscrapedbackmychairtoleave.
“Alyssa…”Shewidenedhereyes,sweetaspie.“Ifyoutellhimaboutanyofthis,you’lllookjustasbadasme.Sticktothescriptorgetoffthestage.Idon’twanttoseeyouagainafterthis.”
Sheassumedasweetsmile.“Okay,darling?”
Don’tgiveherthesatisfaction,Aly.Youknowhowtoplaythegame,soplayit.
Ismiledasifwe’dhadaperfectlylovelyconversation.“Thankyouforsuchamemorableexperience,Nicki.It’sbeenmind-blowing.I’llseeyouatthecarforourjourneyhome.”
“I’vebookedyouallaseparatecar,”shesaidcloyingly,thrilledtogetthatfinalwin.“Afterall,DylanandIhavesomewhereimportanttobe.”
AsIwalkedaway,IcomfortedmyselfthatI’ddonewhatIsetouttodo.Itwasover.Nomorefixing,nomorelyingortrickery.AndnomoreDylan.Ihadtotrustthattherewasstillenoughofhimintheretomaketherightdecision.TheDylanwhowouldlookatamoreexpensive,fancierversionofagiftfromhismother,andwince.
Buteitherway,itwasdonenow.Itwasn’tmyproblemtofixanymore.
Ihadmorethanenoughproblemsofmyown.
—
Thedrivehomewasmuted:Tolaquietlydozing,BenandEricwrappedaroundeachother,andmeclutchingabottleofwaterandtryingnottoimaginewhatwouldbehappeningacoupleofhoursfromnow.I’dwatchedasDylanwavedatmeasweleft,onearmaroundNicki,notacareintheworld.
IlookeddownatmyphonetofindatextfromPriya:
Howwasthenightmaregrouptrip?Didyouallhavegroupmassagesandbond?IseveryoneTeamNickinow?Px
Iwantedtolaughatthetimingofit.IwantedtothinkthatPriya’sfeelingsandBen’stenselooksandthatnaggingbitofdoubtwereenoughforDylan,buttheywouldn’tbe.
Therewasnodoubtaboutwhathe’ddo.Iknewexactlyhowthiswasgoingtoplayout.
Iwasgoingtowatchastheyannouncedtheirengagementonline,andIwasgoingtotrawlthroughthepicturesandthearticlesandletmyselfhaveonenightcryinganddrinking.Justonenighttosaygood-bye.Enoughnow.
AndthenIwasgoingtofindanotherjobandstopfixingthingsandpeople.
Ihadaplan.Ikeptrepeatingitinmyhead.Ihaveaplan,Ihaveaplan.It’sgoingtobeokaybecauseI’vegotaplan.
WhenIgotintotheflat,nearlyrunninginwithoutabackwardglance,callingmythanksovermyshoulder,Ishutthedoorandgaveasighofrelief.Nolies,nopretense,nofeelings.Justquiet.Ifellintobedandsleptfortherestoftheafternoon.
Afewhourslatermyphonerang,andIsearchedforitundertheduvet,discoveringIhadeighteenmissedcalls.Tola,Eric,andMama.Tolawascalling.
“What’shappening,iseveryoneokay?”Iasked,panicked.
Tolasighed.“Thankfuckyou’reanswering,wherehaveyoubeen?”
“Iwasasleep!What’stheemergency?”
“GotoTwitterandlookatwhat’strending,”shesaid.
“Socialmedia?SoIcanassumenoone’sdeadormaimed?”Iputheronspeakerphoneandopenedtheapp.
“Notyet,”Tolasaiddarkly.
Thereweretwothingsthatconcernedme:
#theKLP
#fixerupper
“WhatthefuckamIlookingat,Tola?”
Shesighed.“Readthearticlesandcallmeback.Weneedtododamagecontrol.”
FIXUPORSTITCHUP?
kittylitterheiresspaysonehundredgrandtoget“fixerupper”techboyfriendtopropose
Theoldsayinggoesthatmoneycan’tbuyyoulove,butheiresstotheHappyKittyfortuneandrealityTVshowroyaltyNicoletteWetherington-Smytheisnotgoingtoletthatstopher.NicolettehasbeeninthepubliceyeconsistentlysincethefifthseasonofPoshLondonaired,butit’sonlymorerecentlyhertechentrepreneurboyfriendDylanJameshasbeenseeninthelimelight.
AsourcehasinformedusthatwasallpartofanelaborateplantomakeMr.Jamesamoreworthypartnerfortheinfluencer,increasinghisaudienceinpreparationforabigtechdealandaproposal.
Butunlikemostwomen,theKLPisn’tafanofwaiting,soshehiredself-professedboyfriendfixersAlyssaArestiandTolaAjayi,akatheFixerUpper,tospeeduptheprocess.Undertheguiseofbusinesssupport,ArestiandAjayihavebeenpryingintoMr.James’spersonallifeandattemptingtofixhimuptoWetherington-Smythe’shighstandards.Asyou’llrememberinseasonfourofPoshLondon,theKLPdroppedbiscuitbillionaireandheartthrobLandonHawthorneforfailingtoseeher“entrepreneurialvision.”Well,noone’smissingitnow.
Iscannedafewothersites,lookingtoseehowmuchpeopleknew:
ArestiandAjayihavebeenrunningtheFixerUpperforalmostayear,andtheirwebsitepromisesarangeofpackages,fromcareersupportandgeneralhand-holdingtocommitmentandcommunication.Hiddenonawebsiteaccessibleonlywithapassword,therearerealsecret-societyvibeshere.Plus,welovetheirkick-asstotebagsandsassybadges.Ladies,wesaluteyou!
Sowhatdowethink,girls?Wouldwepaysomeonetofixupourmen,andisitworthahundredgrandalonetogetthemtouseawashingmachinecorrectly?
Ithrewmyphoneonthebedandputmyheadinmyhands.Shit.
IimmediatelycalledDylan,butitrangonceandthenwenttovoicemail.Ihadtofindhim,Ihadtoexplain.ButwhatcouldIsay,exceptIt’strue,I’msorry?
Tolarangback,butIdidn’tanswer.Shekepttextingaboutmakingaplan,preparingastatement,tryingtotalktoNicki.ButIcouldn’tfaceit.Icouldn’tfaceanyofthem.
Theserver,theoneattherestaurantthatmorningattheglampingsite.Shehadn’tbeenrigidandnervousbecauseNickiwasfamous.Itwasbecauseshegotholdofsomegossipthatsheknewwouldbeworthsomething.
Ipulledthecoversovermyhead.Ohgod,theofficewouldsee.AllthepeoplewhohadusedtheFixerUpperwouldsee.NickihadawholePRteamtospinthis,butweweretoast.Weweredone.
Dylanwouldbesohurt.
ItriedonemoretimetocallDylan,stillnoideawhatI’dsay,andthistimeitdidn’tgotovoicemail,itsimplysaid:Thenumberyoudialedhasnotbeenrecognized.TWENTY-ONE
Icouldn’tstopwatchingthedramaunfold,evenasIrefusedtodoanything.Tolawasatherbestself,readytopush,promote,respond,butIcouldn’t.Icouldn’tdoanythingbutsitthereandscroll:
Whothefuckdothesebitchesthinktheyare?Fromthelookofthem,theycouldusefixingup!
Morebra-burningfeministstryingtodestroymen.Someoneneedstoteachthesebitchesalesson.
Thisisn’tethical!Idon’tlikewhatthissaysaboutmen,they’renotdogstobetrained!Lotsofthemhavetheirlivestogether!#notallmen
Howaboutacceptingpeopleastheyare,withalltheirfaults?Isn’tthatwhatlove’sreallyabout?
Theonesthathadapointweretheworst.Thereweremorehopefulposts,though,womenwhogotwhatweweredoing,understoodwhatitmeant.Buttheywerefewandfarbetween,anddidn’tmakeupforthevitriol.
OnSaturdaynightcamethebigbang—aninterviewwithNickiherself.I’dbeenfollowingherapproachthroughallofthiswithaneagleeye,survivingonchocolateandcoffeeasIrefreshed,refreshed,refreshed.Scanninghashtags,lookingthroughphotos,poisoningmyselfwithotherpeople’sopinions.
She’dpostedanimageofabrokenheartandaskedfortimetomournherrelationship.Acoupleofhourslater,she’dpostedabouttheterribleexhaustionofbeinganambitiousfemaleanddraggingyourpartneralongwithyou.Thentherewasacryingselfie,perfectlyweteyesdrippingmascara,butherfacenotatallpuffy,herlipsplumpedandslickedwithgloss.Iwonderedhowmanyshotsshe’dtakentogetthatone,andhowshe’ddecideditwasmoreauthenticthantheothers.
Andnowhereitwas,areal-lifeinterview,recordedonsocialmediabutlikelytobeusedinclipsacrossthenewsasmoreandmorepeoplepickedupthestory.Ex-customershadcomeoutofthewoodwork,explainingwhythey’dusedusandwhathadhappened.Somehadbeenfoundoutwhenthestorybrokewithourphotosandwereoutfortheirfiveminutesoffame.
Nicki’sagenthadgotthissoperfectlyright.EvenasIhatedit,Inoticedthedetails,theoversizedknittedjumper(eventhoughitwaswarmforspring)andleggings,showinghowvulnerableandnormalshewas.Thelightmakeup,thetears-ready-to-spill.Thecameralovedher,andtheinterviewerhadclearlybeenpushedtomakeherseemsympathetic.That’swhatshepaidthebigbucksfor.
“So,Nicki,why’dyoudoit?YouandDylanseemedsoinlove,whybringinaprofessional?”Theinterviewerleanedin,chinrestingonherhand,likeshecouldn’twaittogetthedetails.
“Well,Ithinkasamodern,ambitiouswomanthereisanexhaustionattryingtocarryyourpartner.Attryingtomakethemreachtheirfullpotential.I’msurewomenallacrossthecountryunderstandthat.We’rethecaregivers,theemotionalsupport,thecareeradvisers,andeverythingelse.AndsowhenIfoundtheFixerUpper,Ifelttheyreallyunderstoodthat.Theyweretheretohelp.”
Okay,maybeshewon’tscrewus.Thoughshe’sdefinitelyhangingDylanouttodry…
“So,whatwentwrong?”
Nickiassumedawoundedlook.“IbelievethatthewomanIhiredtodothemajorityofthework,AlyssaAresti,developedfeelingsformyboyfriend.”
“Wow!”theinterviewerprompted,“notveryprofessional!Doyouthinkshe’sdonethatwithotherclients?”
Nickilookedasifshewasconsideringit,whilstIclenchedmyfists.Sheshookherhead,andIbreathedout,relieved.
“IknewAlyssahadhistorywithDylanwhenIhiredher,”Nickisaidsimply,“butI’dassumedtheywerejustfriends.Intheend,attemptingtohelpmyboyfriendwithhiscareerandhisfuturejustmeantIputhimbackinthepathofsomeonehe’donceloved.”
Sheknew?Sheknewthewholetime?How?Why?
“Thatmusthurt…”
Nickiadoptedabravesmile,tiltedherchin,andletasingleperfecttearrolldownhercontouredcheekbone.
“It’sagreatstepfortheirlovestory,butanunfortunateoneformine.Butthatjustshowsyou,ifyouneedtofixsomeone,maybethey’renotthepersonyoushouldbewith.”
Theinterviewernoddedsomberlyandthenassumedaslysmile.“AndwhatabouttherumorsthatyourexLandonHawthornehasbeenagreatpartofyoursupportsystemsinceyouandDylansplit?Photosweresharedonlineofyoutwohuggingthismorning.”
Oh,yeah,absolutelyheartbroken.Alreadylookingforthenextangle,niceone,Nicki.
Shesmiledcoyly.“Landon’salwaysbeenagreatfriend,andwe’reveryclose.He’sbeenmyrockthroughallofthis.”
“Well,thereyouhaveit,folks,secretdeals,clandestineaffairs,andpotentiallyanewlovesproutingfromafailedrelationship.JustanotherdayinthelifeoftheKLP.Don’tforgettovoteinthepoll:WouldyouuseaFixerUpperonyourboyfriend?”
Iwantedtothrowthelaptopacrosstheroom,butIrestrainedmyself.Howdidsheknowwehadsomesortofhistory?Hadshehiredmeasanexperiment?Agoodscandal?Perhapsthishadallbeenatrick,tomakeDylansuffer.ButIcouldn’tseethepoint.
Thedoorbellrang,followedbyimpatientknocking,andItrundleddownthehalltolookthroughthepeephole,suddenlyfearfulthatthejournalistscallingmymobilehadfoundmyhomeaddress.ButitwasjustTolaandEric,waitinguntilI’dopenedthedoorandthenleaningonitsoIcouldn’tshutitagain.
“Letusin.Wehavepizza,andyoulookterrible,”Tolasaid,gesturingformetoleadtheway.Ericnoddedseriously,andIdidwhatIwastold.
“Jesus,Aly,it’sonlybeenadayandahalf.”Ericsurveyedmyflat,thingsstrewnallovertheplace,openwinebottlesandfoodleftoutontheside,blanketspileduponthebed.“Ordoyoualwayslivelikeyou’rehavingabreakdown?”
Iglaredathim,andhecrossedhisarmsandglaredback.
“No,weneededyoutododamagecontrol,andyouletusdown.Soyoudon’tgettobemad.Now,goandjumpintheshowerandwhenyougetout,we’regoingtoeatdinnerandtalkaboutthismess.”
Irolledmyeyeslikeateenagerandstompedofftothebathroom.
“Huh,you’rekindofhotwhenyou’rebeingallincharge.”TolalaughedatEric’stone.
“Youwithanauthoritykinkdoesnotsurprisemeatall,”herespondedandstartedclearingthebreakfastbar.Iwatchedthemforamoment,mytwofriends,tidyingmyhome,comingtorescueme.Thiswasthefirsttimethey’dbeentomyflat.Wewererealfriendsnow,andthatmuchIcouldrelyon.
Iemergedfromtheshowerrefreshed,putoncleanclothes,plaitedmywethair,andwentbackintotheroomtofindtheplacetransformed.They’dsetoutplates,pouredwine,andlitcandles,andbothturnedtosmileastheysawme.
“Theresheis,”Ericsaid,pattingthestool.“Comesitdownandeatsomething.”
“Youdon’thavetoparentme,youknow,”Isaid,doingasIwastoldandreachingforasliceofpizza.
“No,butit’snicetobetheonewho’slookedaftersometimes,isn’tit?”
Ichewedslowlyandthensighed.“Okay,tellmewhathappened.”
“Thestorybrokewhenwewerestillinthecarafterdroppingyouoff!”Tolawinced.“Bensawitonhisphone.”
“How’sthisaffectingyou?”IaskedEric,andheshrugged.
“BenisasprotectiveofhisfriendasIamofmine.Hehasn’tcompletelycutmeout,butwe’veagreedtotalkwhenthingshavecalmeddownabit.”
Poor,kindBenwhohadknownwhathisfriendwaslikeandsaidDon’tlethimrefuseyourhelp.MorepeopleI’dhurt.Ohgod,whataboutthebusinessdeal?
“Havetheystillgotthechancetopitch,orhasthatallgone?”Iasked,suddenlydesperate.
“That’swhatyou’reworriedabout?”Tolaraisedaneyebrow.
“They’vebeenworkingonthisforyears,iftheydon’tgetwhattheyneednow,they’reallgoingunder.PriyaandBenandDylanhaveworkedsohardtorebuild.Idon’twantthistoruinthingsforthem.”
“AsfarasIknow,it’sstillgoingahead,”Ericsaid,andInodded,relieved.
“DidyouseeNicki’sinterview?”Iasked,andtheynodded.“WhatdoyouthinkshemeantaboutknowingmineandDylan’shistory?Sheknewwekneweachother.”
“Apparently,itwasagoodangle.WhenherandDylanhadtheirinevitableshoutingmatch,hetoldheryouwouldn’tdosomethinglikethat,thatyouwereoldfriends,”Ericsaid.“Benwaswillingtogivemethatmuchinformation.”
Iwinced.
Tolashookherhead,sippingherwine.“Couldallbebullshit,though.Iknowfrommycontactatheragency,she’sjustbeenofferedabookdealforthewholething.Sixfigures.”
“Ofcourse,”Ilaughed,shakingmyhead.“IthoughtIwasamastermanipulator,butNickireallyisexceptional.”
“HaveyoutriedtalkingtoDylan?”Ericasked,andIshookmyheadagain.
“Ithinkhe’sblockedmynumber,andit’snomorethanIdeserve.”
“SoI’mguessingyoutoldhimhowyoufelt?AndthisisNickiretaliating?”Tolaasked.“DidIgivebadadvice?Ididn’tthinkyou’dtakeit!”
Ishookmyhead.“Ididn’ttellhimanything.ThiswasjustNickiprotectingherself.”
Ericwidenedhiseyes.“Hello,excuseme,IthinkI’vemissedsomekeyinformationhere.”
Tolagesturedformetogetonwithit,revealthewholemess.
“I’minlovewithhim.”Iclosedmyeyesandtookabreath.“Ihavealwaysbeeninlovewithhim.”
“Ofcourseyouare,”Ericsaidindelight,“becauseyou’dpickthemostcomplicated,unavailablepersonpossible.Itoldyoutostoppickingprojects,Ididn’tmeanstartchoosingcarcrashes!”
Iactuallylaughed,wipingmyeyeswithapapernapkin.“Can’tyouseehowthiskillsme?Icontroleverything!AndIcouldn’tcontrolthis.”
Ericnoddedandpaused,asifhewasn’tsurewhethertosayanything.Heleanedin.“SoI’massumingyouactedinacompletelyAly-likefashionhereandbottledupyourfeelingsasiftheydidn’tmatter?”
“Idon’tstealpeople’sboyfriends!”Iyelled.“HewashappywithNicki!”
“Hewastryingtomakeyouhappy,idiot!You’retryingtofixeverything,andhe’stryingtokeepasmileonhisfaceforeveryone,andneitherofyoutalk,andmygodIdonotwanttodateeveragain.”Ericsighed.“IhopeBenforgivesme.It’shorribleoutthere.”
“Thisiswhathewanted,Eric.”
“Someonewholiedtohimandpaidsomeoneahundredgrandbecausehewasn’tgoodenoughashewas?”
“Howisthatdifferenttowhatweweredoingallalong?”Iyelped.“Idon’tunderstand!Beforeitwasokay,itwashelping,itmadesense!Andthenthis…thiswasallwrong,andIdon’tgetwhy!”
“Because,sweetheart,”Ericexplained,“Dylanisthesortwhodidn’tneedtobetricked.Hejustneededtobeasked.Tobetrusted.So,doesheloveyou?”
“Hedid,backintheday,”Tolasaid,tofillhimin,takingadelicatebiteofpizza.“Beforethisonethoughttheworstofhimandranawaylikealittlescaredy-cat.”
“Well,isn’tthatamood?”Ericlookedatme,thenturnedtoTola.“That’sright,right?Amood?”
Shenodded.“Welldone,babe.”
“HewashappywithNicki,hewas!Shewasbuildingafutureforbothofthem…”Itrailedoff.
Butthatwasn’ttrue,wasit?Becausehe’dtoldmewhathewanted.HewantedSundaymorningrunsandalittlehouseandadog,andaplacetodrinksangriainthegarden…thekindoflifethatNickiwouldn’tstandforatall.Quietandbeautiful,noscripttofollow.
“Ialmostwishyouweretheboyfriend-stealingtrollopshe’spaintingyououttobe,”Erichuffed.“AtleastI’dknowyou’dputyourhappinessaboveajobwelldone!”
“Doyouthink…doyouthinkhe’dforgiveme?Imean,couldI…couldthisbeforme?Thewhole…lovething.”IwatchedTola’sheadtilttothesideinconfusion,andEricblinked.Theydidn’tgetthatI’donlyseentwotypesoflove,completedevotionandcompletedevastation.Thatlovingsomeonemadeyouweak,madeyouriskyourself.
“Aly,honey,haveyouneverbeeninlovebefore?”Ericaskedgently,tryingtokeeptheaweoutofhisvoice.
“Sure.”Istartedtolaugh.“Once.Fifteenyearsago.”
Thelaughtercollapsedintohystericalgiggles,andsuddenlyIwascrying,tearsstreamingandfindingitdifficulttobreathe.
“He’snevergoingtoforgivemeforthis.Itookallthethingshe’smostinsecureaboutandusedthem.Ipickedmoneyoverhim.”Butsurelyhe’dunderstand?IfItoldhimaboutMama’shouse,he’dknowwhatthatmeant?Hewastheonlyonewho’dreallyknowwhatthatmeant.
Buthe’daskmewhyIhadn’ttrustedhimwiththetruth.AndIdidn’thaveananswerforthat.
Tolaclosedhereyesbriefly,andthelookofsorrowandsympathyonherfacegotmeagain.IhidmyfacewithmyhandsasIcried,andtheyshushedandcuddledme,strokedmyhair,heldmeclose
Afterafewmoments,Igotmybreathingundercontrolandreachedoutahand,eyesstillclosed.
“Whatonearthareyoudoing?”Ericasked.
“Thatjusthappened,andnoone’sevengoingtohandmeagoddamnglassofwine?”Isnorted,wipingmyeyes.“Andyoucallyourselvesmyfriends.”
Tolasmiledandwenttograbmyglass,toppingitup.
Ireachedforit,butshehelditjustoutofreach.
“Youcanhaveitwhenyoucomeupwithaplan.Alyistheladywithaplan.”
“Fine,I’mthinking.”Iwiggledmyfingers.“Wine,please.”
Igulpedhalfofitdown.
“Okay,sothemillion-poundquestion:WhatareyougoingtodoaboutDylan?”
Imadeaface.“Waitforallthistoblowoverandgoonwithmygray,sadlife?”
Ericmadeabuzzernoise.“Uh-uh.Wronganswer.Tryagain.”
“Apologize?”
“Sure…”
“TrytoexplainwhyIneededthemoney,makehimunderstand?”
“Warmer…”
“Tellhimhe’sperfectthewayheis,evenwithhisfearsandalways-all-rightattitudeandterribletasteinmusicandterribletasteingirlfriends,andhedoesn’tneedfixingbecauseIlovehim?”
Erictappedhisnose.“Gotthereeventually.”
“AndwhenhetellsmeIbetrayedhimandourfriendshipandheneverwantstoseemeagain…?”
“You’llknowyouhavebeenhonestandthatyouhavefriendswhowilltakeyououttogetreally,reallydrunkuntilyouforgetallaboutit.”
“Luckyme.”Ismiledatthem,andthoughtheytookitassarcasm,Iwasmoregratefulthantheywouldeverknow.TWENTY-TWO
Icouldn’tquitefacegoingintotheoffice,notyet.IknewIneededtobehonest.IneededtospeaktoDylan.IneededtogrovellikeI’dnevergroveledbefore.
Ispentthedaytidyingmylittlehovel,takingprideinmyspaceagain.Tryingtofigureoutaplan.Iloggedoffsocialmedia,andIdidn’tlookatanyoftheglossymagazinesinthecornershop.Ikeptcheckingthetime,countingdowntowhenIknewhismeetingwas.
IcalledTolaonherlunchbreak,unabletodealwiththenerves.“How’stheoffice?”
“Theusualstagnanthellhole.”Icouldalmosthearhershrugging.“Hunteraskedmetofixhimupwithsomeone.Hethoughtitwasadatingsite.Themancan’tevenreadanarticle,nowonderhisreportsaretrash.Whydoyousoundlikeyou’vehadeightcoffees?”
“BecauseIhave,”Ireplied,“thepresentationistoday.Iwasjustwonderingifhewaspreparing,ifhefeltconfident,nervous.”
Ijust…IwishedIcouldtellhimthatitwasagoodidea,really.ThatIbelievedinwhathedid,inhowheprotectedhiscolleagues,inhowhe’dworkedsohardforsolongtogetthemhere.Thathedeservedthisopportunity.ThatI’dalwaysbelievedinhim,forhim,notbecauseIwasbeingpaid.JustbecausehewasDylanJames,andhecoulddoanything.
“Texthim.”
“He’sblockedmynumber.”
“Youdon’tknowthat,”Tolasaid.“That’sthepoint.Anyway,hemightunblockitandseeit.Ormaybeyoucanjustsendallthatgoodenergyoutintotheatmospheresoyoucanmovethehellon.”
“Idon’twanttomoveon.Iwanthim.”God,thatsoundedweirdtosayoutloud.Asiftheuniversewouldhearandsnatchawayanyopportunity.
“Youknow,lifewasaloteasierwhenyoudatedloserswithaclearexpirationdate.”
“Well,itwouldhavebeenifI’dknowntheyhadanexpirationdateatthetime,”Isaid.“Suchawaste.Butatleastitwaseasy.Nomessyfeelings.Ifeellikemystomach’sinmythroatandmyhead’supmyarse.”
“Suchapoet,”Tolasaid.“Texttheboy.Somethingsimple.Nothingmushy.Nothinglongerthanasentence.Thengetyourheadbackinthegame,Aresti.”
Intheend,Isettledforsimple:
Ihopethepresentationgoeswell.Iknowyou’llbewonderful.Ax
Ofcoursetherewasnoreply,andofcourseIcounteddownthehoursandthenstalkedeveryone’ssocialmediainthehopesofsomenuggetofinformation.IevencalledEricinthehopesthatBenwouldtellhimsomething.Butitwasradiosilence.I’dbetrayedtheteam;Ididn’tgettohearthefinalscore.
Ireallyneededmymother.Itookabreathandmadethecall.ThefirstofallthehardapologiesI’dhavetomake.
“Hello?”Shesoundedwary,likeshewaswaitingformetolaunchintoanotherscreaminglistofallherfaults.Itmademeashamed.
“Hi,Mama,”Isaidandwaitedforhertoscoldmeforignoringher.Tostartdefendingherself.
InsteadIheardherexhaleinrelief,andthenburstintotears.
Thereissomethingaboutbeingthereasonyourmotheriscrying,especiallywhenyou’vealwaysbeentheonetocomforther,thatisparticularlybrutal.Beingontheotherendofthephonewasnotenough.
“Youcalled,youfinallycalled!”sheyelped,soundingsuddenlysoyoung,andthensobbedagain.
“Mama,it’sokay.”
“It’snotokay,”shesaidfiercely.“It’snotokayatall.Youwereright,aboutallofit.Whoheis,whathe’smademe.How”—sheswallowedanothersob—“howdisappointedmymotherwouldhavebeen.”
“Ididn’twanttoberight,”Isaid,“andIdidn’twanttobemean.”
“Ikeepthinkingaboutwhenyoucamehomefromuniversityandyouweren’thappy.Youhadn’tdated,youhadn’tmadefriends.Youdidn’ttalktoDylananymore…”Istaredupattheceiling,tryingtoholdittogether.“AndIwastalkingtoyouryiayiaaboutwhatwecoulddo,howwecouldhelpyou.Irememberitsoclearly.Wesatatthekitchentable,andyouhadn’tcomedownstairsinfivedays.Wesatwithtwoglassesofredwine,andIsaid,‘Whydoesn’tshewanttofallinlove,tomeetsomebody?She’salwaysbeingstrong,alwaysonherown!Ijustwanthertofallinlove!’Andmymamajustlookedatme,sosad…”Shetrailedoff.
“Whatdidshesay?”
“Shesaid,‘Sheseeswhatit’sdonetoyou.’?”Mama’svoicebroke.
ThebreathItookthenfeltlikemyfirstrealoneinalongtime.
“IthoughtIcouldfixeverything.IfIcouldjustbeabettermotherandabetterwife.Morefun,moreloving,moreindependent.I’dfixhim,fixyou,fixus.Butitdoesn’tworkthatway.”
“SoI’mlearning.”Ihalflaughed.
“Thiswasnotyourfight,mybaby,thiswasmine.AndI’mgoingtowinit.Ifhewantsthishouse,hecanfightmeforit.”
I’dbeenletdownbeforebyMama’sbigmomentsofconfidence,herassurancesthatthistime,itwouldbebetter.Butshesoundedcertainofherself,strong,andthatwasimpressiveenough.
“Okay,Mama.”
“Youdon’tbelieveme,”shesaidsoftly,“that’sokay.You’llsee.”
“Ihopeso,”Isaid,mythroatsore.“I’vemadeafewmistakesofmyown.”
“Yes,”shesaid,reproachful,“itwasveryannoyingtobeinthedoghousesoIcouldn’ttellyouoff!”Butshelaughed,andIlaughedalongwithher.“Oh,mydarling,whatareyoudoing?TrickingDylan?Workingforkittenprincesses?”
“Kittylitter,Mama.”Iwaveditaway.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Itwasamistake.”
“Dylanalwaystriedthehardesttobewhoeveryouwantedhimtobe.Youcouldseeitwithhisfather.He’dbestrong,he’dbeinvisible,he’dbesensitive.Playthejoker,thefool.Thatboytriedoneverypersonalitytofindtheonethatwouldmakepeoplelovehim.”
Iwinced.“Don’t,Ifeelawfulenoughasitis.”
“Whatwastheretofix?”
“Nothing.”Ishookmyhead.“Ijustwantedtobewithhimagain.Ijustwantedanexcuse.”
Iimaginedmymothernoddingsagely.“Iknowthereweretimeswhen…IletmyselffallapartandIletyouholdeverythingtogether.Youcookeddinnerandtidiedandgotyourclothesreadyforschool.YouaskedmehowIwasanddideverythingyoucouldtofixmyheart.Thatwasn’tfairofme.”
Isaidnothing.
“ButDylanwastherewithyou,too,wasn’the?”shesaidsoftly.“Makingyoulaugh,holdingyourhand,burningallmygoodfryingpans.Hewasthere,byyourside,makingsureyouwereokay.That’slove,darling,thathasalwaysbeenwhatloveis.WhatI’vewantedforyou.Whatyourgrandparentshad.Caringandbeingcaredfor.Equals.”
Ipressedmylipstogether.“Hewon’tforgivemeforthis.”
“That’sfearandshametalking,Alyssa.Neverbetooproudtoapologize.Tomakethingsright.”
“Tofixit?”Ihiccupedwildly,thewordsbubblingup.
“Justonemorethingforyoutofix,sweetheart,”shesaid.“Butonlybecauseitwasyourmessinthefirstplace.”
Iexhaled,feelingthetearswellupagain.“Yes,Mama.”
“Cometodinnertonight,Imissyou.Andwe’llmakeaplantogether.Whattodoaboutthehouse,whattodoaboutDylan,allofit.Youandme,we’llmakeitright.”Ididn’trealizehowlongI’dbeenwaitingtohearthosewordsuntilshesaidthem.Thetearstrackeddownmyfaceasifthey’dbeenhopingforpermissiontofall.
AndsoIgotonthetrainbackhome,thatjourneytiedupinnostalgia,likeeverythingaboutmylifelately.
IwasashamedofhowI’dtreatedDylan,ashamedofhowI’dletmyselffallagain.Morethananything,IwasashamedthatIkeptaskinghimfortruthswhenIkeptfeedinghimlies.IfI’dbeenthefriendIwasfifteenyearsago,IwouldhavetoldhimthemomentIsawhim:Thiswomandoesn’tgetyou,doesn’tknowthetruthofyou.Youdeservesomeonewholovesallofyou.
Mymothergreetedmewithahugehug,wrappingherarmsaroundmeandswayingmesidetoside.Shebreathedrelief,andIclungtoherforalongtime.
Sheorderedpizza,andwesatatthetablewithagoodbottleofwinewhilstItoldherthewholetale.Allofit,nohidinghowlonelyI’dbeen,howworriedIwasthatI’dgiveneverythingIhadtothesemenwhomovedontobetterliveswithoutasecondglance.HowpowerfulI’dfelt,eversobriefly,whenIstartedtheFixerUpper.
“Youhelpedpeople,Alyssa.Youjustneedtofindtherightwaytodoitnow.Notallthistrickingandschemingandcontrollingpeople.Youcan’thelppeoplewhodon’twanttobehelped.”Shegesturedatherselfwithherwineglass.“Lookatme.”
Iwenttoargue,butshesmiled,tearsinhereyesasshelookedupatthephotoofherparentsonthemantelpiece.
“Loveisonlymeanttobeterrifyingrightatthebeginning,rightbeforeyoufall,”shesaidsoftly.“Thenit’smeanttofeellikehome.”Ireachedacrossandsqueezedherhand.
Atthatmoment,thedoorbellrang,andwelookedupinsurprise.
Mamalaughed,wipinghereyesasshewenttoopenthedoor.“Maybethepizzaishereearly?Rom-comsonthesofa—I’mthinkingDirtyDancing,yes?”
Butwhensheopenedthedoor,Iheardhervoiceharden.
“Yiannis.”
Dad.
Istoodup,gearingforafight,terrifiedshewasgoingtofallbackintothepattern.
ButthenMamapeeredroundthedoorframeandsaid,“YourfatherandIaregoingtotalk.”
Shewalkedacrosstheroomandkissedmyforehead.“Goforawalk,yes?Halfanhour.Youcangooutthebackifyou’drather?”
Iblinkedather,thefirstsignofthisnewpersonshepromisedshewasbecoming.ThenIpickedupanoldhoodiefromthechair,pausingtograbherwrist.“That’snotwhatlovelookslike,right?”
Mamanodded,repeatedoursayingbacktome.
Ikissedhercheekandescapedintothebackgarden,notevenbotheringtoopenthegardengate,insteadjustswingingmylegsoverthelowpartinthewallandjumpingoffintothealleyway.I’dsmokedmyfirstcigarettehere,withDylan,ofcourse.
IknewbeforeIevensteppedontothestreetthatmywanderinghalfanhourwasgoingtobeawalkingtourofourhistory.Howcoulditbeanythingbut,whenhewastheonlythingonmymind?
Youdidn’tgivemethechancewhenyoudisappeared,Aly.Icouldhearhiminmyhead.Fair’sfair.
Iwalkedpastouroldschool,impossiblysmallnow.IcouldstillseewhereI’dhidfromtheotherkidsatlunch,readingmybook,afraidtomakefriends.Thislankyboyhadrolledinfrontofmeandputhisfingertohislips,shakinghishead.Iheardtheotherboyscominglookingforhimandwanderoff.He’dmanagedtopissoffagroupofkidsinthefirsttwodaysofschool.
“CanIstayhere?Justuntilthey’regone?”heasked,pushingbackthedarkfringethatkeptfloppingoverhiseyes.
Iclosedmybook,narrowedmyeyesinconsideration,andsaid,“Sure,butyou’vegottotellmesomethinginteresting.Andithastobereal!”
Hethoughtaboutitforagoodthirtysecondsandthensaid,“I’mdeathlyafraidofwatermelons.”
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dlaughedinalongtime.Hespenttherestoflunchtellingmeaboutgrowingawatermelontreeinsideyourbelly,andIdidn’tpickmybookupagain.Wewereeleven.
Mychesthurtthinkingaboutit,soIambleddownthenextstreet,lookingathowthehouseshadchanged,passingthelittlebakerythatmademyfavoritelittlelemonpastries,coveredinpowderedsugar.Ipassedthecoffeeshopwherealltheteenagersgoticedcoffeeinthesummers,holdingupthestreetwiththequeue.ThepharmacywhereI’dhadmyearspierced,andthecornershopwherewe’dpaidsometwenty-year-oldstobuyusbeerandthey’dreturnedtogiveusapackofHariboandourfullchange,sayingweshouldenjoybeingkids.
Iletmyfeetdecidetheroute,butIknewwhereIwascomingupto—Dylan’sstreet.Icouldn’tstopmyself.Ijustwantedtostareatthathouse,theoneIhadn’tseensinceIsnuckoutinthemorningfullofself-loathingandshameandloss.Iwouldjustpeekatit.Wonderwhatmighthavebeen.StarefromacrossthestreetforanoutlineofMr.Jamesinthelivingroom,theflickofthetailfromtheancientcatnextdoor.Justamoment,thatwasallIneeded.Tosaygood-byetoourpast.
Andtherehewas.
Leaningupagainstabeat-upbluecar,staringathishouse.Hewaswearinghisbluesuit,thecrispwhiteshirt,topbuttonsundone.Helookedeveryinchthebusinessman.Buthedidn’twalkuptothefrontdoor.
Heneverdid,didhe?Heturnedup,staredatitforhalfanhour,andleft,nevergettingwhathecamefor.Whateverthatwas.
Isidledup,unsureofwhetherIwasreadyfortheonslaught,forwhatIdeserved.Somethingreal.
“Yougoinginthistime?”Iasked,stayingasafedistanceaway,andhedidn’tevenlookround,justshookhisheadandexhaled,likehewassayingOfcourse,ofcourseit’syou.
“Ineverdo,”hesaid,eyesstillzeroedinonthefrontdoor.“Didyoucomelookingforme?”
“It’sthelastplaceIwouldhavelooked,”Ireplied.“Howdidthepresentationgo?”
Endlessquestions,battingbackandforth.Wecouldmanagethis,aslongashedidn’tlookatme.
“Well,”hesaidwithanod,“they’regoingtotakeEasterEggintothefold,puttheirfundingandbackingbehindtheprojects…”
“That’samazing!”Iyelped,alittletooenthusedforthesituation.
“And…they’veofferedmeajob.”
“Ithoughtthemeetingwasthejob.They’reinvestors.”
Dylanswallowed,clenchedhisjaw.“TheywillinvestinEasterEgg.PriyaandBenwillstayhereandtakeonnewstaff.AndI’llbeworkingonthepromotionside.Theythought…theythoughtIwassuitedtoit,withmyrecent‘exploits.’I’mfamousnow,afterall.”
Iwinced.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“Ifigureit’stimeforanewstart.WhereI’mnottheguywho…well,theguywhoneededfixing.Theguywhosegirlfriendwouldgotoextraordinarylengthstomakehimgoodenough.”
“Dyl…”
“Thejob’sinCalifornia.SiliconValley.Ileaveinacoupleofweeks.”
Iinhaledsharply,thentriedtocoverit.
“That’ssoon.”
Dylanshruggedandsaidnothing.
“Ineedtoexplaineverything,andapologize.Itwascomplicated—”
“Ahundredgrand’salotofmoney.I’msureyouhadyourreasons.”Ihatedthatdull,dryvoice.Thewayhepretendeditdidn’tmatter.
“Mamawasgoingtoloseherhouse,andI,well,I…triedtoundoit.Icalleditoff,Inevertookthemoney.”
Helookedatmethen,seriously.“Isshestillgoingtoloseit?”
Ishookmyhead,andhenodded,speakingquietly.“Good.That’sgood.”
Itriedtofigureoutwheretostart,howtoexplainitall.Ididn’thavemyflashcardsoraplaybook.Ididn’thaveaplan.AllIhadwerethesamewordsgoingaroundinmyheadlikeamantra:Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou.
“Ineedtoapologize,Dylan,andI’mnotreallysurewheretostart…”
Heshrugged,lookingacrossathisoldfrontdoor,backtothatguyImetagainlastmonth.Guardup,unimpressed,aloof.Savinghissmilesforeveryonebutme.
“Ican’treallyblameyou,Aly,Iwasalwaysafixerupper,right?Weknewthatfromthebeginning…”Hepaused,tryingtodecideifhewasgoingtosayanymore.“It’sjusthardwhenit’stheonepersonwhoalwaysmadeyoufeellikeyouwereenough.”
Imadeanoise,butDylandidn’tletmeinterrupt.“It’sfine.Theguyswillstayhereandlivetheirlives,andI’llstartoverintheStates.Nomorerunningateam,worryingaboutlettingpeopledownortrustingthewrongpeople.Icantrysomethingnew.Paintadifferentpicture.”
“Youwereagoodleader,”Isaidsoftly.“Itsuitedyou.”
Heshookhishead.“No,itsuitedher.”
Iwassuddenlydesperateforhimtolookatme,tostopresolutelypretendingthatIwasn’tthere,thathewasjustquietlytalkingtotheair.
“Whataboutthelittlehousebythepark?Yourdog,andyourorangewalls,andSundayroastdinners?”Isaid.“Don’tthinktheydoadecentYorkshirepuddinginCalifornia.”
Heshruggedagain.“Dreamschange.”
“I…Isthisreallywhatyouwant?”Iasked.
Heexhaledalaugh.“Oh,itmatterswhatIwantnow?Here’stherealquestion,whatdoyouwant?”
Theminuteheturned,Itookbackmywish.Hewaslookingatmewithsuchdisappointment.Itwasn’tjustthatmockingdislikewhenwe’dfirstseeneachotheragain—thistimehemightactuallyhateme.
“Thisisn’taboutme.”
“Well,no,that’snotreallytrue,isit?Becauseit’salwaysbeenaboutyou.It’saboutyoufixingpeopleandmakingthembetter.Fixingyourparents,fixingme.Drunkenlymakingdeclarationsfifteenyearsagoandthenrunningoffandleavingeveryoneelsetopickupthepieces!Whatpartofthishasn’tbeenaboutyou,Aly?Andyoustilldon’tknowwhatyouwant?”
Hisvoicewasroughandhiseyesdemandedananswer.Wefacedeachother,andIfoundmyselfunabletomove.
Iwantedtosayit:Iwantyou,Iwantus.ButI’dalreadyruinedhischanceshere.HehadtheopportunitytostartoverintheUS,besomeonenew.Befree.I’dalreadytakenenoughawayfromhim,Icouldn’ttakehisfreshstart,too.Lovewaslettingpeoplegoifitwasbestforthem.
SoIstayedsilent.
Ijustshookmyhead,andDylanhalflaughedagain.
“Youknowwhatthehilariousthingaboutallthisis?”Hescoffed,shakinghishead.“Ifyou’dtoldme,Iwouldhavegonealongwithit.IwouldhavedonewhatIwastoldtobeMr.Perfect,becauseIfiguredthatwastheonlywayanyonegaveadamnaboutme.Anditstillwasn’tenough.”
“That’snot—”Imovedcloser,buthecutmeoff.
“Ifyou’dtrustedmewiththetruthaboutyourmum’shouse,Iwouldhavehelped.Youknowthat.”Hemetmyeyes,andIcouldn’targue.Mybeautifulfriend.
“Iknowit’snotenough,butI’msorry.Atfirstyouhatedme,andIhatedyou,andthen…itwasachancetobeapartofyourlifeagain.”
Heshookhishead.
“Youdidn’tdothisforme!Youdidthisforher!”
“Ithoughtyouwerehappy!”
“AndIthoughtseemingthatwaywastheonlywaytokeepyou.”Heshookhishead,sighingathimself.“I’mstillamug,alltheseyearslater.AndnowIgettostartalloveragain,newlife,newfriends,newjob.Awholebunchofnewpeopletopretendinfrontof,tomakethemthinkI’vegotthescript,thatIknowwhatI’mdoing.”
Icouldn’thelpmyself.
“Youdon’thavetogo.”
Hemetmyeyes,holdingmygaze,andIfoughttheneedtolookaway.
“Bebrave,Aly.Yougonnagivemeareasontostay?”Hetiltedhishead.“HowmanymonthsoftrainingwouldIneedforthat?”
“No,it’snot…”Iputmyhandtomymouth.Thiswasmyfault.Therewasnofixingthis.Notthistime.Ididn’tdeservehisforgiveness.
Dylanlookedatmewithdisappointment,hisvoicehoarse.“Yourealizeyou’retheonewiththissad,smalllife,sodesperatetocontroleverythingandkeepyourselfsafethatyou’renotactuallyliving.Moreconcernedwithhowitlooksthanhowitfeels.You’restillpretending.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherandnodded.Icouldn’targue.
Hesteppedawayfromthecarandopenedthedoor,paintingacompletelyblanklookonhisface.“Well,I’mgivingyouagift,Aresti,morethanyougaveme:Youactuallygetagood-bye.Aproperending.”
HegotintothecarandIwatched,wordless,fromthepavementashedroveaway.
—
WhenIgotbackhome,myfatherwasgone,andmymotherwasupbeat.Notjittery,fauxpositivity.Actuallyupbeat.Weatepizzaonthesofaaspromised,herarmaroundmyshoulder,andwecurledunderablanketaswewatchedamovie.WhenItrudgeduptomychildhoodbed,unbelievablyexhausted,shetuckedmeinandswipedmyhairawayfrommyfacelikeIwasachild.
“Iamgoingtosellthishome,”shewhisperedlikeshewastellingmeafairystory.“AndI’mgoingtobuysomethingthatIcanmakebeautiful,somethingthatwillhavemymemories.Someplaceyou’llcomeandvisit,andwe’lldrinkwineonthepatio.Somewherethatisn’ttiedupwithyouandmeandyourfather.”
“EventhoughitmeanslettinggoofYiayia?”Iasked.
Mamasmiledandnodded.“Ihavethousandsofmemoriesofmyparents,litteredacrosstheworld!It’stimeformetodosomethingforme.Justlikeit’stimeforyoutodothingsforyou.Goodthingsarecomingforbothofus.It’stimetobebold,yes?”
Inodded.
“It’llbealittlescary,butI’mready,”shesaidtoherself,andIwassuddenlyovercomebyhowproudIwasofmymother.Finally,hereshewas,readytoshine.
IthoughtofDylan,hisbeautiful,angryfaceunderthestreetlightashewaitedformetogivehimareasontostay.HowIthoughtlettinggowasagift.ButIstillhadn’tbeenhonest.Istillhadn’tjumped.
“Yes,”Isaid,“youare.”
AndsoamI.TWENTY-THREE
“Aresti!Getinhere!”FelixyelledwhenIarrivedthenextmorning,whichdidn’thelpwiththestaresIwasgettingaroundtheoffice.Itwasmainlythemen,lipscurledandeyebrowsraised.
ThewomenhadknownandhadbeenonmysidewhenitwastheirsistersandcousinsandhairdressersIwashelping.Butnowthemenknew,itwasliketheywantednothingtodowithme.Theycouldn’taffordfortheirsecretstogetout,thattheyweren’thappywiththeirlot,thattheywereexhaustedanddisappointedandunfulfilled.Iwasproofthatwewereallpretending,anditwaseasiertoturnaway.Toshowoffengagementringsandholidayphotosandtinypastelonesies.Theaccessoriestoalifethatdidn’ttellthefullstory.
IslippedintohisofficeandintothechairoppositeFelix.
“Morning.”Ismiledstiffly.“What’sup?”
“Isawaboutyourlittlesidehustleinthenewsyesterday.Thetopdogsaren’texactlythrilledbytheassociation.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherandnodded.“Iunderstand.”
Felixtuggedathismustache,andIwonderedwhetherhewasallowedtofiremeforthis.Like,legally,couldhegetridofmeforabitofbadpress?
“SurelywecouldspinthisforthePR?”Isaidlightly.“Makeitlooklikeacampaignforoneofourfemale-firstbrands?”
“Thecrazywomanwhothinksmenarebeneathher?”Hesnorted.“Youthinkthere’sanangleforthat?”
Ismiledtightly.“Ifyou’regoodatyourjob,there’salwaysanangle.”
Felixsighed,shakinghishead.“Ivouchedforyou,Isaidyouwerebrilliant.Isaidyouwereahardworkerwhowasdedicatedtothisplace,you’dbehereforever,makingittick,doingwhateverittakes.”
Iblinked,wonderingifthatwasmeanttobeacompliment.
“Butnow…”Felixtrailedoff,andIfrownedathim.Allofhisactionsseemedsocaricaturedsomehow,asiftuggingathismustache,puttinghisheadinhishands,sighingdeeply,itwouldallconveythisdeeplevelofdisappointmentthatI’dneverrecoverfrom.
ButIsuddenlyfoundthatIdidn’treallycarewhathethoughtanymore.Howodd.
“So…whatdoIneedtodo?”Iasked,andapparentlyitwastherightquestion,becausehebeamedatme.
“Goodgirl”—hepointed—“that’stherightattitude.IneedtheAlyfromamonthago.Thegirlwhogotitdone,whodidn’tcomplain,whogavetwohundredpercent.IneedmygirlFridayback,kid,youknow?It’slikeyousuddenlystartedtothinkyouweretoogoodforthisplaceafterMatthewgotthatpromotion.”
Iblinkedathim.“Oh,isthatso?”
Felixrolledhiseyesatme.“Comeon,Aly.Berealforasecond,wouldyou?You…you’reapackhorse.Ahardworker,solid,dependable.Butyou’renevergoingtobealeader.Youhaven’tgottheballsforit.”
Iburstoutlaughing,shakingmyhead.
Felixfrowned.“Beseriousforamoment.You’reintheshithereandIneedyouto—”
“Togobacktobeingtheperfectlyhelpful,amenable,selflesspersonIwasbefore?Thepersonwithnolifeoutsidethisoffice?Thepersonwholivedtoproveherself?”Iasked,expectinghimtogetthesarcasm.
ButFelixmisseditcompletely.“Yes,exactly.”
Ithrewmyheadbackandpressedmylipstogether,tryingtocontainmylaughter.Eventuallyitescaped.
“Mygod,”Isaid.“I’vewastedmylife.”
“What?”
“Iquit,Felix.”
IfeltcalmandrefreshedassoonasIsaidit,asifacoolbreezejustdescendeduponme.
“Don’tbestupid,whereareyougoingtogo?YoujustmadeaPRmessofyourselfandyourreputation,sweetheart,don’tbeanidiot.”
“Itoldyou,whenyou’regoodatyourjob,anymesscanbeanopportunity.”
“Soyou’reserious?”
“Asaheartattack,”Isaid,standing.“Expectmyletterofresignationinafewminutes.”
“Andwhataboutyournoticeperiod?Aly,you’renotthinkingstraight!”Felixlaughed.
Hisfacegleamed,likehewasbeingsoaccommodating,talkingtomelikeachild.
“Ihavemorethanenoughholidaytocovermynoticeperiod.Thanks,Felix.”Ismiledwidelyathim.“Thishasreallybeenalearningexperienceforme.Beforeyou,Ididn’trealizejusthowmanyshitheadswereatthetop.Likeyousaid,Ineverwouldhavemadeit.”
Iopenedthedoorandwalkedout,justashestartedyelling.
“Yougetbackhere,younglady!I’mnotdonewithyou!Iwon’tgiveyouareference!”
IgothalfwayacrosstheofficebeforeIpausedandturnedback,watchinghislittleredfacescowlingatme.Iadoptedanapologeticexpression.
“Felix,don’tbesohysterical,you’remakingafoolofyourself.”Iwiggledmyeyebrows.“Seeya!”
Iwalkedacrosstheroomtograbmybag,leavingeverythingelseatmydesk,andasIwalkedtothelift,IcaughtEric’seyeandwinked.Henodded.
WhenIgottothehallway,IwassurprisedtoseeTolanexttome,holdingabox.
“Isthatmystuff?”
Sheshookherhead.“It’smine.Ihandedinmynoticetwoweeksago.Iwaskindofhopingyouweregoingtobebraveenoughtofollowmylead.Turnsoutyoufollowedyourown.”
Theliftopened,andwegotin,andInudgedherwithmyelbow.
“Youwerebrave,”Tolasaidsuddenly.“I’mreallyproudofyou.”
Ishookmyhead.“GettingmadatmybossandwalkingoutafteraPRnightmare,withnojobtogoto,noreferences,andnoideaofwhatI’mdoingnext?I’mnotbrave,I’manidiot.”
“Pssh,youarenot.Besides,youandmearegoingtostartabusiness.”
“Oh,right,anddoweknowwhattypeofbusinessthatisyet?”Iasked,amused.
“Absolutelynoidea,”shereplied.
“Oh,good.Excellent.”
Icouldn’thelpgrinning.IfeltlikeIcouldrunamarathonorscaleabuilding.
“We’remad,youknow?”Isaidinawe.“We’reabsolutelymad.”
Tolasmiledatme,shakingherhead.“We’renotmad.We’rebrilliant.”
—
IspenttherestofthedaywithTola,inacoffeeshoparoundthecornerwithtwobrand-newnotebooks,makingplans.Wetalkedaboutthekindofbusinesswewantedtorun,whatwe’dlearnedfromtheFixerUpper,howwecouldmoveforward.
Wewanted,quiteplainly,tocreateourownagency.Weknewwewantedtorunabusinessthatsupportedfemalecompanies.Nofixingup,onlybuildingup.Glowingup.Growingup.
Atonepointwejustsatquietly,listeningtothewomeninthecoffeeshoptalkingtoeachother.ItwaslikewhenwefirststartedtheFixerUpper.Butwherebeforewe’dheardonlyaboutthepandered-toboyfriendsandbabysittingdads,werealizednowitwasbiggerthanthat.Itwasnotbeingtakenseriouslyatwork,itwaslacklustermaternitypay,andnoonetalkingaboutmiscarriages,andneverquitegettingoverthatfeelingwhenyousawacovermodelandpinchedyourthighs.Itwaseveryridiculousthingyou’deverbelievedaboutyourselfandaboutbeingtoodamnexhaustedtofixit.
“Whatproblemdoweneedtofix?”Tolaaskedme,andIshookmyhead.
“Fornow,wejustneedtolisten.”
“You’reokaywithnotbeingincontrolofeverythingallthetime?”
“It’smeanttofeelscarywhenyou’refalling.”Irepeatedmymother’swords.“Andthenitfeelslikehome.We’llgetthere.We’vejustgottadothescarybitfirst.”
Tolashookherheadatmeinuttersurprise.“Iloveyou.Iabsolutelyloveyourightnow.”
Itwashoursofdouble-shotlattesandridiculousslogans,wordswrittenincapitalletters,Tolagettinglouderasshesaid,yes,yes,that’sit,that’stheone!
ItwasthemostexcitedI’dbeenforalongtime,possibilitystretchingoutlikeanew,unseenroadthathadsuddenlyappearedfrombetweenthetrees.
AndIdidn’tknowhowtofixitall.ButIknewwheretostart,withthetwoguidingprinciplesthatI’dforgottenuntilsomeonehadbroughtthembacktome:tellthetruthandfindwonderfulthings.TWENTY-FOUR
“Thankyouforagreeingtoseeme,”Isaid,slidingintoachairintheEasterEggofficethenextday.Bensatacrossfromme,sternandunyielding.“Ihavealotofexplainingandapologizingtodo.”
Henodded.“Well,yeah.I’mmadatyou.”
“Andyou’rerighttobe.Butpleasedon’ttakeitoutonEric.He’ssocrazyaboutyouandthiswholemesswasnothisfault.”
Ben’sfacadecrackedjustalittle.“Oh,Iknow,themanisaterribleliar.Whichisoddconsideringhe’ssuchagoodactor.”
Ilookedathim,suddenlyhopeful.
“Okay,so…youguysaregood?”
Bennarrowedhiseyesatme.“I’mnotsureifwe’rethereyet,Aly.”
Myheartsankalittle.“Right,ofcourse.Ofcourse.”Ilookedatthetable,tryingtofigureoutmynextmove.
“We’llgetthere,though,”hesaidgently,andwhenIlookedup,hegavemealittlesmile.“Erictoldmewhatyousaid,aboutmyrules.AbouthowunfairIwasbeingtohim.Youwereright.Iwasscaredtotakeachanceonsomeonewhomighthurtme.Whomightnotbereadyforme.Iwasscaredtogiveupgoodenoughforsomethingbetter.”
Inodded,notwantingtojinxthis.
“You’reactuallyprettyastutewhenyou’renotschemingandmanipulating,”hesnorted,andIsmiled,relieffloodingmychest.“Whenyou’rehonestwithpeople,youtalksense.”
“Well,that’swhatI’mdoinghere,aswellasapologizing.Ireallyamsorry,”Isaid,lookingattheoffice,halfpackedup.
“Iknow.”
Inodded,takingadeepbreath.
“Whenareyoumovingout?”
“Tomorrow.Downtosomethingalittlemorelow-key.Don’thavetoimpressanyoneanymore;wecanbeourselves.”
Ilookedoutofthewindowattheperfectskyline.“ButwithoutDylan.”
Benconsideredme,aslowsmilebuildingacrosshisface.“Alyssa,areyouschemingagain?”
“Ifhereallywantstogo,ifhe’sexcitedtostartoverinanewplace,anewlife,Iwillleaverightnow,andweneverhadthisconversation…”Iwatchedhimcarefully,ashetookhisglassesoffandwipedthemonthecornerofhisshirt.
“Andifhe’smiserableandheartbroken,andrunningawaytosaveface?”
“ThenI’vegotonetinylittleschemeleft.”Ishruggedmischievously,holdingupathumbandforefinger.“Barelyascheme,a…petitsubterfugefollowedimmediatelybyhonestyandabsoluteembarrassmentonmypart.”
Bennoddedforamoment,thinkingitthrough.
“Youlovehim,asheis?”
“Ilovehim,asheis.”
Heexhaled,relieved.“Thankfullythat’sbeentheonlyfuckingobviousthingsincethisentirecharadestarted.I’mjustgladyou’refinallybraveenoughtoadmitittoyourself.”
“Toyou,tohim,toanyonewhowilllisten.Heaskedmetogivehimareasontostay.”Iputmypalmstogetherandsmiledangelically.“AndI’mhopingyoucanhelpmewiththat.”
“Planningbigromanticgesturesandpotentialpublichumiliation?Myabsolutefavoritewaytospendaday,”Bensaid.
—
Itwasn’tjustaboutshowingDylanthathewasperfectashewas.ItwasaboutshowinghimthatIwouldfightforhim.ThatItrustedhim.ThatIwouldn’trunagain.Soitwaskindofpoeticthatwewerestakingouthisrunningroute.
WewereintheparkwhereDylanranonSundaymornings,nearhisflat.Benhadarrangedtorunwithhim;heknewtherouteandhadagreedtobeadiversion.Alongthepath,therewouldbefiveboards,paintedwithmywords.MyfivethingsforDylan.Fivechancestogethimtostay.Ijusthadtohopefivewouldbeenough.
IlookedovertoEric,whowasstandingattheedgeoftheparkwithHelenathebeagle.Benstoodnexttome,smilingatthemboth.
“Youreadyforthis?”heasked,andIfeltmystomachclenchinanticipation.Iwasabouttomakeafoolofmyselfforthisman.Andhemightturnaway,tellmeitwastoolate.ButIhadtotakeachance.It’sonlyscarywhilstyou’refalling.
Tolajoggedbackovertome,saluting.“Okay,alltheboardsareinplace.We’regoodtogo.”
Iwasgoingtobesick.
“Okay,Ibettergomeethimattheotherentrance,”Bensaid,watchingmegetmoreandmorenervous.Itwistedmyfingers.Whatifhewalkedrightbyme?Whatifhesawme,poundingheartopen,andjustignoreditall?WhatifIneverrecovered?
“Yourface,oh,darling.”Bengavemeahugandakissonthecheek.“Idon’twanttogiveyoutoomuchconfidenceinyourschemesanymore,butyou’rebeingvulnerableandI’mreallyproudofyou.”
“Thanks,”Isaidinasmallvoice,suddenlyterrified.“Putinagoodwordforme,please?”
“Yougotit.”
HejoggedovertocollectHelenaBonhamBarkerfromEric,andIsawhimheadovertotheentrance.
“Hey,he’shere!”Tolawhooped,pointing.
“Shh!”Ipushedhergently,tryingtostopherfromsnagginghisattention.WhichwasprettydifficultconsideringhervibrantgoldT-shirtandbrightgreenthree-quarter-lengthtrousers.Tolaclutchedmyhand,andIfeltEricarriveandtakemyotherone.
IwatchedasBenandDylanstartedtojog,andasheapproachedthefirstwoodensign,thewordspaintedinorange:
You’vealwaysbeenmybestfriend.
Hewastoofarawayformetoseehisexpression,thoughIsawhimlookaround,confused.
Hesloweddown,hiswholebodytensingwhenhesawthesecondone:
Thewayyoustilllistentothestupidmusicwelovedwhenwewereteenagers.
Bythethird,Isawhimspeedup,eagertofindit,andthelookonhisface,thelaughterthatexplodedwhenhereadit.Thewayhelitup.
Youmakemewanttoruntowardthingsinsteadofawayfromthem.
AtthefourthsignIhadaclearsightofhim,runningtowardme,lookingforthosewords,mytruths,myfivethings.
YoustillhavethebestlaughI’veeverheard.
Andtherehewas,standingstraightinfrontofme,faceflushed,thoseimpossiblyblueeyesdaringmetobebrave,justastheyalwayshad.
IletgoofTola’sandEric’shandsandwalkedovertothelastsign,thetinofpaintandthepaintbrushatmyfeet.
Iwanttopaintthatorangeroomwithyou.
HewalkedoverandIheldmybreath,waitingforhimtosaysomething.
Hepausedinfrontofthesign,handsinpockets,headtiltedtothesidelikehewasassessinganartproject.
“Kindofacrypticonetoendon,Aresti.”
“Fivewasn’tenough,”Isaid,tryingtoholdbacktears,takingabreath.“Icangiveyouten.Icangiveyouahundred.ButIwantthatlifewithyou.IwantyourhousebytheparkandyourSundayruns.IwantadogwithanametorivalHelena’sandIwanttomakeanabsolutemesspaintingourwallsorange.IwanttoinviteyourdadforaSundayroastevenifit’squietandawkwardandyoudon’tknowwhattosay,andIwanttomakemymum’swatermelonmargaritasandsitinthegardenwithyoureminiscingaboutallthestupidstuffwedidwhenwewerekids.”
“Aly—”
“AndIwantyoutorunthisbusinessthatyou’veworkedsohardfor,andIwanttobethepersonyoutalktoaboutit,nottofixanything,butjusttoremindyouthatyou’regoodenough.”
Itookashakybreath,meetinghiseyes,sodesperateforhimtoknowIwasbeinghonest.
“You’reitforme.Nomatterwhathappens,nomatterhowmuchImessupandtrytofixitorhoweveryoutrytobeperfect.Iseeandloveallofyou.That’smytruething,mysomethingreal.Alwayshasbeen.”
Heblinked.Hejuststoodthereandstaredatme,thishalfsmileonhisfacelikehewasn’tsurewhatwashappening
“Saysomething,Dylan,”Ibegged.“Words,please.”
“Don’tthinkI’veeverhadabigromanticgesturebefore.”Hesmiledatme,rubbinghishandacrosshiseyes.Butwhenhelookeduphiseyeswereshining.“Aguycouldgetusedtothistreatment.”
Itookahopefulstepforward.“Hecould?”
Heshookhisheadandraisedhiseyestothesky,asifhestillcouldn’tbelievemesometimes,beforeputtinganarmaroundmywaistandpullingmeinclose.
“Askme,”Dylansaid,thoseblueeyesbright,ournosesalmosttouching.
Ismiledandtookabreath,whisperingthewords.“Tellmesomethingreal,Dylan.”
Heclosedhiseyesbriefly.“IreallywishIhadsomethingmoreclevertosay.AllI’vegotisIloveyou.I’velovedyouforever.”
Ilaughed.“Cleverenoughforme.Wouldyoukissmealready,please?”
ThefirsttimeDylankissedme,Iwaseighteen.Ithadbeenchasteandsweetandfriendly.Hehadstrokedhisthumbacrossmycheek,andallaroundushisfriendsjeeredandwhispered.
ThesecondtimeDylankissedme,Iwasthirty-three.Ourfriendswhooped,strangersclapped,anditwasnotfriendlyatall.Iranmyfingersthroughhishair,tastedhissmile,andsighedagainsthislips.Heheldmecloseandkissedmelikehewasmakingapromise.
Therewouldbeproblems,ofcourse.Argumentsaboutwhoseturnitwastodealwiththepuppy’svomitorwhoforgottobookthefancyrestaurantofthemonth,andmaybeevenonedaywhohadtogetupatsixa.m.onaSaturdaytotakethekidstowhateverawfulsporttheyendedupenjoying.There’dbemissedflightstodecidedlybudgetdestinations,andcommiserateandlaughwithusthroughitall.Seeingthereality,nofilter.Itwasallowedtobehardsometimes.There’sbeautyinthat,too.
Becauseit’sonlyscarywhenyou’refalling.
Andthenitfeelslikehome.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thisbookwassomethingnewforme,sohugethankstomymagnificentagentHayleySteed,whojumpedonmypitchemailwithanimmediateresponseinfullcapitalswithlotsofexclamationmarks—yourskillasaneditor,negotiator,andhand-holderblowsmymindeverytime.I’msogratefultobeonTeamHayley.
TothewonderfulteamatPutnam,andmyeditor,KateDresser—thankyoufortakingachanceonAlyandseeingherpotentialstraightaway,andforofferingsuchenergizingenthusiasmandexcitementthroughouttheprocess!
TomywriterbuddiesintheSavvyAuthorsgroupandtheTSAGwhoarealwaystheretoofferadvice—Icouldn’tdothiswithoutourwonderfulcommunity.Aspecialshout-outasalwaystoLynseyJames,theotherhalfofTeamCheerleader,who,truetothename,alwayswavesapom-pom,whetherit’sduringeditinghellorpublicationweek.
Totheconversationsandfriendswhosparkedthisbook,whohappilysharedtheirstoriesofemotionalhand-holdingandboyfriendbabysitting,andwhohaveworkedthroughtheirownshitovertheyearstobecomeevenmoreamazingpeople—thanksforsharing,andIloveyoubig-time.
Tomyfamily,whodon’talwaysgetthewritingandpublishingworld,butarealwaysstandingbytobeasproudofmeaspossible.Thisbookexiststhroughthesupportofmyfamily,inparticularmymum(whothankfullyisnothinglikeAly’smum!)andmyhusband,whowillgladlyadmitthathewasabitofafixerupperwhenImethim,buthasgrownonhisown,anddraggedmealongfortheride,too.
Andfinally,toyou,dearreader!Thankyouforreadingthisbook.Ihopeitresonatedandmadeyoulaughandthinkandstartconversations.Ifyoufoundyouenjoyedthisparticularstyleofsassyfeministrom-com,Ihopeyou’llstayintouch!DISCUSSIONQUESTIONS
Aly,Tola,andEricstarttheFixerUppertohelplightentheemotionalloadplacedonwomenby“fixing”theirpartners’maddeningquirks.Whatdoesfixingrelationshipslooklikeintherealworld?
TheFixerUppersusetheirknowledgeofmarketingtofixothers’relationshipproblems.Inwhatwaysdoesthisstoryrendermarketingasakindoftherapy?WhydoyouthinkAlytendstofixothersoverherself?
WhydoyouthinkthemeninthisstoryneedtheFixerUpper’sboldpromptingstostartworkingonthemselves?
Howofteninyourday-to-daylifedoyouthinktherelationshipsaroundyouinformyourown?
WhatdoyouthinkmakesTola,Aly,andEric’sfriendshipsowonderfullyspecial?
Tolaisbubbly,flirty,andextremelyconfident,whichsheattributestoherabilitytostaytruetoherself.Whoinyourlifedoyouseeinasimilarlight?
AfterAlyreconnectswithDylan,shenotesthefreeingcomfortthatcomeswithaused-to-know-everything-about-youkindoffriend;“[people]whocanseewhatyouovercameandwhereyou’vecomefromandtellyouhowproudtheyaretoseehowyou’vegrown.”Howdoyourlong-timefriendsinfluencehowyouseeyourself?
WhydoyouthinkDylannevertriedtosearchforAlyafterhersuddendeparture?WhatstoppedhimfromaskingAly’smotherabouther?Whatwouldyouhavedoneifyourbestfriendhaddisappearedaftersuchanimportantconversation?
HowmuchofDylan’sgrowthdoyouthinkisinformedbyAly’sstrategicplanning?HowmuchcreditcanwegivetoDylanhimself?
IfyouwereDylan,wouldyouhaveforgivenAlyfortakingNickiuponheroffer?Whyorwhynot?
Towhatextentdoyoubelievethatmostpeoplehavetheurgetofixtheregulardispleasuresoftheirrelationships?
WhydoyouthinkDylanstuckwithNickiforsolong,throughalltheshenanigans?
Inthisstory,weseeloveasaformofacceptanceandunderstanding.Whatdoeslovemeantoyou?Islovealwaysunconditional?
Intheend,Alyrealizesthatherrelationshipstruggleswon’talwaysrequirehertofixherpartner,butinsteadwillbecome