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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Jimenez,Abby,author.
Title:Thefriendzone/AbbyJimenez.
Description:Firstedition.|NewYork:Forever,2019.
Identifiers:LCCN2018052066|ISBN9781538715604(tradepbk.)|ISBN
9781549149795(audiodownload)|ISBN9781538715628(ebook)
Classification:LCCPS3610.I47F752019|DDC813/.6—dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2018052066
ISBN:978-1-5387-1560-4(tradepaperback),978-1-5387-1562-8(ebook)
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
E3-20190503-DA-NF-ORIE3-20190419-DA-NF-ORIContents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
ONE:Josh
TWO:Kristen
THREE:Josh
FOUR:Kristen
FIVE:Josh
SIX:Kristen
SEVEN:Josh
EIGHT:Kristen
NINE:Josh
TEN:Kristen
ELEVEN:Josh
TWELVE:Kristen
THIRTEEN:Josh
FOURTEEN:Kristen
FIFTEEN:Josh
SIXTEEN:Kristen
SEVENTEEN:Josh
EIGHTEEN:Kristen
NINETEEN:Josh
TWENTY:Kristen
TWENTY-ONE:Josh
TWENTY-TWO:Kristen
TWENTY-THREE:Josh
TWENTY-FOUR:Kristen
TWENTY-FIVE:Josh
TWENTY-SIX:Kristen
TWENTY-SEVEN:Josh
TWENTY-EIGHT:Kristen
TWENTY-NINE:Josh
THIRTY:Kristen
THIRTY-ONE:Josh
THIRTY-TWO:Kristen
THIRTY-THREE:Josh
THIRTY-FOUR:Kristen
THIRTY-FIVE:Josh
THIRTY-SIX:Kristen
THIRTY-SEVEN:Josh
THIRTY-EIGHT:Kristen
THIRTY-NINE:Josh
FORTY:Kristen
FORTY-ONE:Kristen
Epilogue:Josh
ANotefromtheAuthor
Acknowledgments
DiscoverMoreAbbyJimenez
Don’tmissAbby’ssecondnovel
AbouttheAuthor
Navigation
TableofContents
ThisbookisdedicatedtoallthepeoplewholiftedmeupwhileIwaswritingit.AndStuntmanMike.Explorebookgiveaways,sneakpeeks,deals,andmore.
Tapheretolearnmore
ONE
Josh
Iglanceddownatthetextwhilethelightwasred.
Celeste:I’mnotgivingyouadime,Josh.Goscrewyourself.
“Goddamnit,”Imuttered,tossingthephoneonthepassengerseat.Iknewshewasgonnadothis.Leavemewithmyfingerinthedam.Shit.
I’dleftherthecontentsofthewholehouse,andallIaskedwasforhertopayhalfoftheLowe’sbill.Halfofthreethousanddollars’worthofappliancesI’dgenerouslygivenherinsteadofsellingthem,despitethecardandpaymentsbeinginmyname.Andofcourse,Iwassomehowtheassholeinallthisforleavingthestateforanewjobthreemonthsafterwe’dbrokenup.
IhaditonthehighestauthorityshewasnowhookingupwithsomeguynamedBrad.
IhopedBradenjoyedmySamsungstainlessgasrangewiththedoubleoven.
Asphalt-scentedheatdriftedinthroughmyopenwindowsasIsatinBurbank’sslow-movingmorninggridlock.EvenonaSunday,therewastraffic.IneededtogetmyACfixedifIwasgoingtosurviveinCalifornia—anotherexpenseIcouldn’tafford.Ishouldhavewalkedtothegrocerystore.Probablywouldhavegottentherefasteratthisrate,andIwouldn’thavewastedgas—anotherthingthatcosttwiceasmuchasitdidinSouthDakota.
Maybethismovewasabadidea.
Thisplacewouldbankruptme.Ihadtohostmybestfriend’sbachelorparty,thereweremovingexpenses,thehighercostofliving…andnowthisbullshit.
ThelightturnedgreenandIpulledforward.ThenthetruckinfrontofmeslammedonthebrakesandIhititsbumperwithalurch.
Fuck.You’vegottabekiddingme.
Mydayhadbeenofficiallyruinedtwiceinlessthanthirtyseconds.Itwasn’teven8:00a.m.yet.
TheotherdriverturnedintoaVonsparkinglot,wavingoutthewindowformetofollow.Awoman—braceletonherwrist.Thewavesomehowmanagedtobesarcastic.Nicetruckthough.AFordF-150.Itstillhaddealerplates.KindofashameI’dhitit.
SheparkedandIpulledupbehindher,turnedofftheengine,andrummagedinmygloveboxformyinsuranceinformationasthewomanjumpedfromhervehicleandrantolookatherbumper.
“Hey,”Isaid,gettingout.“Sorryaboutthat.”
Sheturnedfromherinspectionandglaredupatme.“Yeah,youknowyouhaveonejob,right?Nottohitthecarinfrontofyou?”Shecockedherhead.
Shewassmall.Maybefivefoottwo.Petite.Adarkwetspotcascadeddownthefrontofhershirt.Shoulder-lengthbrownhairandbrowneyes.Cute.Impressivescowl.
Iscratchedmycheek.Irritatedwomenwereaparticularspecialtyofmine.Sixsisters—Iwaswelltrained.
“Let’sjusthavealook,”Isaidpassively,puttingonmycalm-in-a-crisisvoice.“Seewhatwe’redealingwith.”
Icrouchedbetweenthebackofhertruckandthefrontofmineandsurveyedthedamageasshestoodoverme,herarmscrossed.Ilookedupather.“Itappedyourtrailerhitch.Yourtruckisfine.”Minehadasmalldent,butitwasn’tanythingmajor.“Idon’tthinkweneedtogetourinsurancecompaniesinvolved.”
Icouldn’taffordtohaveanaccidentonmydrivingrecord.Itwasn’tgoodformyjob.Ipusheduponmykneesandturnedtoher.
Sheleanedoverandtuggedonthehitch.Itdidn’twiggle.“Fine,”shesaid,obviouslysatisfiedwithmyassessment.“So,arewedonehere?”
“Ithinkwecanbedone.”
Shewhirled,dartingaroundtothepassengersideofhertruckasIstartedforthegrocerystore.Shedoveintothecab,herlegsdanglingfromtheseatassheleanedinonherstomach.Herflip-flopfelloffintotheparkinglotwithaplop.
Shehadaniceass.
“Hey,”shesaid,twistingtolookatmeasIwalkedpast.“Howaboutinsteadofstaringatmyass,youmakeyourselfusefulandgetmesomenapkins.”
Busted.
Iputathumbovermyshoulder.“Uh,Idon’thaveanynapkinsinmytruck.”
“Thinkoutsideofthebox,”shesaidimpatiently.
Feelingalittleguiltyforopenlyadmiringherassets—orratherforgettingcaughtdoingit—Idecidedtobehelpful.Iwentbacktomytruck,openedmygymbag,andgrabbedatee.WhenIhandedhertheshirt,shesnatcheditanddovebackintothecab.
Istoodthere,mostlybecauseshehadmyfavoriteshirt,butalsobecausetheviewwasn’tanythingtocomplainabout.“Everythingokay?”Itriedtopeerpastherintothefrontseat,butsheblockedmylineofsight.
Asmall,lightbrowndogwithawhitechingrowledatmefromthewindowofthebackseat.Oneofthoselittlepursedogs.Iscoffed.Itworeactualclothing.
“Ispilledcoffeeinmyfriend’snewtruck,”shesaidfrominside.Shelostherotherflip-floptotheswelteringparkinglotandwasnowbarefoot,herred-paintedtoesontherunningboard.“It’severywhere.Sono,it’snotokay.”
“Isyourfriendadickorsomething?Itwasanaccident.”
ShepivotedtoglareatmelikeIkickedherdog.“No,he’snotadick.You’rethedick.Youwereprobablytexting.”
Shewasfeisty.Alittletoocutetoscaremethough.Ihadtoworkhardtokeepmylipsfromturningupatthecorners.Iclearedmythroat.“Iwasn’ttexting.Andinallfairness,youdidslamonthebrakesfornoreason.”
“ThereasonwasIneededtostop.”Sheturnedbacktothemess.
Isuspectedthereasonwasshespilledcoffeeonherselfandhitthebrakesreflexively.ButIwasn’tgoingtopokethebear.Welltrained.
Islippedmyhandsintomypocketsandrockedbackonmyheels,squintingupattheVonssignintheparkinglottomyleft.“Okay.Well,goodchattingwithyou.Leavemyshirtonthewindshieldwhenyou’redone.”
Sheclimbedintothepassengersideofthetruckandslammedthedoorshut.
Ishookmyheadandchuckledallthewayintothestore.
WhenIcamebackout,shewasgoneandmyshirtwasnowheretobeseen.TWO
Kristen
Shawnplantedachairsmackinthemiddleofthefirestationlivingroomandstraddleditbackward,facingme.Hedidthissohecouldharassmeascloseashumanlypossible.
IsatinoneofthesixbrownleatherreclinersparkedinfrontoftheTV.MyYorkie,StuntmanMike,stoodinmylap,growling.
Shawnbouncedhiseyebrowsatmeunderhisstupidpompadourhair.“’Sup,girl.YouthinkaboutwhatIsaid?”Hegrinned.
“No,Shawn,Idon’thaveanyMexicaninme,andno,Idon’twantany.”
Thefirestationcaptain,Javier,camedownthehallwayintothekitchenasIleanedforwardwithahandonmydog’shead.“Shawn,IwantyoutoknowthatifIneededmouthtomouth,andyouwerethelastparamediconEarth,IpreferdonationsmadetotheASPCAinlieuofflowersatmyfuneral.”
Javierlaughedashepouredhimselfacoffee,andBrandonchuckledoverhisbookfromthereclinernexttome.“Shawn,getlost.”
Shawngotupandgrabbedhischair,mumblingashedraggeditbacktothetable.
Sloanbreezedbackinfromthebathroom.ShehadonthatwhitelinenskirtshegotwhenwewereinMexicolastsummerandsandalsthatlaceduphercalf.ShelookedlikeHelenofTroy.
Mybestfriendwasgorgeous.Blond,waist-lengthhair,colorfultattoosdownherleftarm,aglisteningrockonherringfinger.Brandonwasherfirefighterandequallyhotfiancé.
ItwasSunday.Familydayatthestationwhenthefourguysonshiftgottobringtheirfriendsandfamilytohavebreakfastwiththemiftheywantedto.SloanandIweretheonlytakersthismorning.Javier’swifewasatchurchwithhisdaughters,andShawndidn’thaveagirlfriend.
Imaginethat.
TechnicallyIwashereforJosh,thefourthmemberofthecrew,thoughI’dnevermethimbefore.
Brandon’sbestfriend,Josh,justtransferredfromSouthDakotatobethestation’snewengineer.HewasBrandon’sbestman,andIwasSloan’smaidofhonorfortheirApril16thweddingintwomonths.Joshhadmissedtheengagementparty,soitwassomeall-importantthingthatwemeeteachotherimmediately
Icheckedmyphoneforthetime.Iwasstarvingandgettingirritable.BreakfastwasonJoshtoday.Hehadn’tshownupyetthough,sonobodywasactuallymakinganythingandallI’dhadwascoffee.
Hewasalreadypissingmeoff,andIhadn’tevenmethimyet.
“So,”Sloansaid,sittinginthereclinernexttoBrandon.“Areyougoingtotellmewhereyougottheshirt?”
Ilookeddownattheblack,men’sWoodenLegsBrewingCompanyT-shirtI’dknottedatthewaist.“Nope.”
Sheeyedme.“Youleftfortampons,andyoucamebackwearingsomerandomshirt.Istheresomeparticularreasonyou’rehidingthisfromme?”
Brandonglancedupfromhispage.Hewasaprettylevel-headedguy.Hedidn’tusuallyletthingsworkhimup.ButexplainingthatI’dchristenedhisnewtruckwithmyblackSumatradripwouldprobablyearnmeasterndisapprovinglookthatwouldsomehowbeworsethanifhecussedmeout.
Ioptedagainstit.
I’dcleaneditup.I’dmanagednottodamagethebumperinthefenderbenderI’dcausedslammingonthebrakeswhenIspillediteverywhere.Whathedidn’tknowwouldn’thurthim.
Sincemytopwasalreadyruined,I’dusedittocleanupthemessandchangedintoParkingLotGuy’sshirtinstead.
“It’sTyler’s,”Ilied.“Itsmellslikehim.Ijustmissedhim.”Iputmynosetothetopofthecollarandmadeashowofbreathingin.
Damn,itsmelledgood.
Thatguyhadbeenkindofsexy.Anicebodyunderthoseclothes,Icouldtell.Good-lookingtoo.Thatclean-shavenboyishfaceIalwaysgravitateto.
Ineededtogetlaid.Iwasstartingtofantasizeoverstrangers.Ithadbeentoolong.Tylerhadn’tbeenhomeinsevenmonths.
Sloan’sfacewentsoft.“Awwww.That’ssosweet.It’ssadyoucan’tbewithhimonValentine’sDaytomorrow.Butjustthreemoreweeksandyou’llhavehimforgood.”
“Yup.Hisdeploymentwillbedoneandwe’llofficiallybelivingtogether.”Atwingeofnervestwistedinmygut,butIkeptmyfaceneutral.
Sloansmiledandputahandtoherheart.Shedidn’tmuchlikeTyler,butshewasstillaromantic.
MycrampssurgedandIclutchedmystomachwithagrimace.Iwasinthethroesofanotherepicperiod.This,coupledwithhunger,theeventsfromearlier,andthe3:00a.m.policedramaatmyhousethatIwasn’ttellingSloanabout,hadmeinafinemood.IwassotiredI’djusttriedtoplugmychargerintomycoffeecupinsteadofmyphone.
SloancheckedherwatchandthenwordlesslyrummagedinherpurseandshooktwoAleveintoherhand.Shehandedmeherglassofwaterandgavemethepillsinawell-rehearsedroutinewe’dperfectedduringourfiveyearsasroommates.
IswallowedthepillsandturnedtoBrandon.“Thatbookanygood?”
“It’snotbad,”hesaid,lookingatthecover.“WanttoborrowitwhenI’mdone?”Thenhepeeredpastmeandhiseyeslitup.“Oh,hey,buddy.”
Ifollowedhislooktothedoorandmyjawdropped.ThehandsomejerkfromVonsstoodtherewithbagsofgroceries.
Ourgazesmetfromacrosstheroom,andwestaredateachotherinsurprise.Thenhiseyesdroppeddowntomy—his—shirt,andthecornerofhismouthturnedupintoasmirk.
Istood,puttingStuntmanonthechairastheguysetdownhisgroceriesandwalkedtowardme.Iheldmybreath,waitingtoseehowhewasgoingtoplaythis.
Brandonlaidhisbookoverthearmofthereclinerandgotup.“Josh,thisisKristenPeterson,Sloan’sbestfriend.Kristen,JoshCopeland.”
“Well,hello—it’ssonicetomeetyou,”hesaid,grippingmyhandjustalittletootightly.
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Nicetomeetyoutoo.”
Joshdidn’tletgoofmyhand.“Hey,Brandon,didn’tyougetanewtruckthisweekend?”heasked,talkingtohisfriendbutstaringatme.
Iglaredathim,andhisbrowneyestwinkled.
“Yeah.Wanttoseeit?”Brandonasked.
“Afterbreakfast.Ilovethatnew-carsmell.Minejustsmellslikecoffee.”
Igavehimcrazyeyesandhissmirkgotbigger.Brandondidn’tseemtonotice.
“Gotanymorebags?Wanthelp?”Brandonasked.Sloanhadalreadydivedinandwasinthekitchenunbaggingproduce.
“Justonemoretrip.Igotit,”Joshsaid,hiseyesgivingmeawordlessinvitationtocomeoutside.
“I’llwalkoutwithyou,”Iannounced.“Forgotsomethinginthetruck.”
Heheldthedoorforme,andassoonasitwasclosed,Iwhirledonhim.“You’dbetternotsayshit.”Ipokedafingerathischest.
Atthispointitwaslessaboutthecoffeespillandmoreaboutnotwantingtorevealmybrazenattemptatcoveringupmycrime.Ididn’tlieasarule,andofcoursetheonetimeI’dmadeanexception,Iwasimmediatelyinapositiontobeblackmailed.Damn.
Josharchedaneyebrowandleanedin.“Youstolemyshirt,shirtthief.”
Icrossedmyarms.“Ifyoueverwanttoseeitagain,you’llkeepyourmouthshut.Remember,yourear-endedme.Thiswon’tgooverwellforyoueither.”
Hislipscurledbackintoasmilethatwasannoyinglyattractive.Hehaddimples.Motherfuckingdimples
“DidIrear-endyou?Areyousure?Becausethere’snoevidenceofthateverhappening.Nodamagetohistruck.Nopolicereport.Infact,myversionoftheeventisIsawahystericalwomanindistressintheVonsparkinglotandIgavehermyshirttohelpherout.Thenshetookoffwithit.”
“Well,there’syourfirstmistake,”Isaid.“NobodywouldeverbelieveIwashysterical.Idon’tdohysterics.”
“Goodinfo.”Heleanedforward.“I’lladjustmystoryaccordingly.Acalmbutrudewomanaskedformyhelpandthenstolemyfavoriteshirt.Better?”Hewassmilingsobighewasalmostlaughing.
Jerk.
Ipursedmylipsandtookanotherstepclosertohim.HelookedamusedasIencroachedonhispersonalspace.Hedidn’tbackupandIgloweredupathim.“Youwanttheshirt.Iwantyoursilence.Thisisn’tahardsituationtoworkout.”
Hegrinnedatme.“MaybeI’llletyoukeeptheshirt.Itdoesn’tlookhalf-badonyou.”Thenheturnedforhistruck,laughing.THREE
Josh
Inhonorofthenew-guy-cooksrule,ImadebreakfastforthecrewonCshift.AMexicaneggskillet,myspecialty.
Iwasonprobation—theprobie.EventhoughIwasfiveyearsintothejob,Iwasonlyfiveshiftsintothisstation.ThatmeantIwasthelastonetositdowntoeatandthefirstonetogetupanddodishes.Iwaspracticallyaservant.Theyhadmecleaningtoiletsandchangingsheets.Allthegruntwork.
SloanandKristenoptedtohelpme,andBrandontookpityonme,sotheyallstoodinthekitchenwipingcountersandscrapingfoodoffplateswhileIwashedthedishesandShawnandJavierplayedcribbageatthetable.
Kristenhadglaredallthroughthemeal,butonlywhenshedidn’tthinkanyonewaswatching.Itwaskindoffunny,actually.Ikeptribbingher.FromwhatIgatheredthroughmyprodding,she’dtoldeveryonetheshirtwasherboyfriend’s.
Iwasn’tgoingtosayanything.Brandondidn’tneedtohavethethunderstolenfromhisnewtruckbylearningithadalreadybeendefiled,butIwasdrawinguntoldamountsofenjoymentfromgivingKristenshit.Andshedidn’ttakeanyofitlyingdowneither.Shematchedmetitfortat.
“So,Josh,youdrivethefiretruck,huh?”Kristenaskedcasually,wipingdownthestove.
“Ido.”Ismiled.
“Areyouanygoodatit?Noproblemsstoppingthatthingwhenyouneedto?”Shecockedherhead.
“Nope.Aslongassomeonedoesn’tslamonthebrakesinfrontofme,I’mgood.”
Glare.Smirk.Repeat.AndSloanandBrandonwereoblivious.ItwasthemostfunI’dhadinweeks.
Sloanhandedmethecuttingboardtowash.“You’llbewalkingKristendowntheaisleatthewedding.”Shesmiledatherfriend.“She’smymaidofhonor.”
“Ihopeyouwalkbetterthanyoudrive,”Kristenmumbledunderherbreath.
IgrinnedandchangedthesubjectbeforeSloanorBrandonaskedquestions.“What’syourdog’sname,Kristen?”
Thelittlethinghadsatonherlapallthroughbreakfast.Occasionallyhisheadpoppedupoverthetabletolookatherplate,thetipofhistongueout.HelookedlikeafluffyEwok.
“HisnameisStuntmanMike.”
Iraisedaneyebrowovermysinkofdishes.“Tarantino?”
Sheraisedhers.“You’veseenDeathProof?”
“Ofcourse.Oneofmyfavoritemovies.KurtRussellasStuntmanMike.Andyourdoghasissues?”Iasked.ThelittleYorkieworeashirtthatreadIHAVEISSUESonit.
“Yes,they’remostlywithShawn.”
Ichuckled.
Sloansweptcilantrostemsintoherhandandtossedtheminthetrash,andBrandonpulledoutthebagandtiedthetop.“KristenhasanonlinebusinesscalledDogletNation,”Brandonsaid.“Shesellsmerchandiseforsmalldogs.”
“Ohyeah?Likewhat?”Iasked,settingacasseroledishintotheracktodry.
Kristenpulledoutthecoffeegroundsanddumpedthemintothecompostbag.“Clothes,bags,gourmetdogtreats.Sloanbakesthose.Ourbig-ticketitemisourstaircasesthough.”
“Stairs?”
“Yeah.Littledogsusuallycan’tjumpuponahighbed.Sowemakecustomstaircasesthatmatchyourbedroomset.Stain,carpet,style.”
“Andpeoplebuythat?”Isetthelastbowltodryintherackandpeeledoffmyrubbergloves.
“Uh,yeahtheybuythat.WhywouldyoudropacouplegrandonanicePotteryBarnorRestorationHardwarebed,onlytohavesomehideousfoamstaircasenexttoitfromPetSmart?”
Inodded.“Igetthat,Iguess.”
“Whichremindsme—I’moutacarpenter,”shesaidtoSloan.
Sloan’sbrowfurrowed.“What?Sincewhen?”
“SinceMiguelquitonmelastweek.HegotaunionjobatUniversaldoingsetwork.DroppedmelikeIwasradioactive.Ihavethreestairsonorder.”
Sloanshookherhead.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
Kristenshrugged.“PutanadonCraigslist.Hopetheguydoesn’tendupbeingsomekindofpervertouttokillmetosellmyorgansontheblackmarket.”
Isnorted.
Brandonnoddedatmeasheputanewbagintothetrashcan.“Joshisacarpenter.He’sprettygoodatittoo.”
Sloanlookedatme.“Really?”
Brandonwasalreadyfishingouthiscellphone.Iknewwhathewaspullingup.ThetikibarI’dbuiltinmybackyard.Celeste’stikibar.Brad’stikibar.
“Look,”hesaid,handingaroundthephone.“Hebuiltthis.”
Sloannoddedinapproval.ThenthephonewenttoKristen,andsheglancedatitbeforehereyesshotuptomine.
“Notbad,”shesaidbegrudgingly.
“Thanks.ButI’mnotlookingforanysidework,”Isaid,wavingthemoff.Ididn’tneedtobuilddogstairsforpenniesonmydayoff.Thelivingroomofmynewapartmentwasstillfullofboxes.
“Yeah,whoneedsanextratwohundreddollarsforthreehoursofwork?”Kristensaid,flippingahanddismissively.“NotMiguelapparently.”
Ifroze.“Twohundreddollars?”
Sloansprayedthecounterwithlemon-scentedall-purposecleaner.“Sometimesit’smore—right,Kristen?Itdependsonthestyle?”
Kristenstaredatherbestfriendlikeshewastellinghertoshutup.Thenshedraggedhereyesbacktome.“Thestairsrunfourtofivehundreddollarsapiece,plusshipping.Isplittheprofitsfifty-fifty,minusthematerials,withmycarpenter.Soyeah.Sometimesit’smore.”
“Doyouhaveapictureofthestairs?”Iasked.
KristenunenthusiasticallyhandedmeherphoneandIscrolledthroughawebsitegalleryofridiculoustinystepswithStuntmanMikeposedonthemindifferentoutfits.Thesewereeasy.Wellwithinmyability.
“Youknow,IthinkIdohavetimeforthis.I’lldoitifyoudon’thaveanyoneelse.”AfewoftheseandIcouldpayoffmyLowe’scard.Thiswasrealmoney.
Kristenshookherhead.“IthinkI’drathertakemychanceswiththeorganthieves.”
Sloangasped,andBrandonfrozeandlookedatKristenandme.
“Isthatright?”Isaid,eyeballingher.“Howaboutwetalkaboutthisovercoffee.”
KristennarrowedhereyesandIarchedaneyebrow.“Fine,”shesaidlikeitwasphysicallypainful.“Youcanbuildthedamnstairs.ButonlyuntilIfindadifferentguy.AndIwillbelookingforadifferentguy.”
Sloanlookedbackandforthbetweenus.“Istheresomethingyouguyswanttotellus?”
“Icaughthimstaringatmyass,”Kristensaidwithoutskippingabeat.
Ishrugged.“Shedid.Ihavenoexcuse.It’sagreatass.”
BrandonchuckledandSloaneyedherbestfriend.Kristentriedtolookmad,butIcouldtellshetookthecompliment.
Kristenletoutabreath.“Givemeyouremailaddress.I’llshootyoutheorders.Whenyou’redonewiththem,letmeknowandI’llgenerateandsendyoutheshippinglabels.AndI’llbeinspectingeverypiecebeforeyoutakethemtoFedEx,sodon’ttryandhalf-assanything.”
“Wait,youdon’thaveashop?”Iasked.“WhereamIsupposedtobuildthese?”
“Don’tyouhaveagarageorsomething?”
“Iliveinanapartment.”
“Shoot.Well,itlookslikethiswon’tworkout.”Shesmirked.
Sloanstaredather.“Kristen,youhaveanemptythree-cargarage.Youdon’tevenparkinithalfthetime.Can’theworkthere?”
KristengaveSloanside-eye.
Igrinned.“Hecan.”
Aloudbeepingcameoverthespeakersthroughoutthestationfollowedbytheredlights.Wehadacall.Kristenheldmystareasthedispatcherrattledoffthedetails.Toobad.Icouldhavehungoutwithmycrankymaidofhonoralittlelonger.
Noluck.
BrandonleanedinandkissedSloangoodbye.Thegirlswouldprobablybegonebythetimewegotback.“We’llfinishcleaningup,”shesaid.
“GetmynumberfromBrandon,”Kristensaidtome,crossingherarmsoverherchestinawaythatIthinkwasmeanttokeepmefromofferingherahandtoshake.
Sincethecallwasmedical,wedidn’thavetoputonourfiregear.SoBrandonandIheadedstraightfortheapparatusbaywheretheenginewasparked.IcouldfeelKristen’seyesonmybackandIgrinned.Shehatedme.Anongoingthemewiththewomeninmylifeatthemoment.
BesidesCeleste,allsixofmysistersandmymomwerepissedthatI’dmoved.EvenmylittleniecesweregivingmethecoldshoulderwhenIcalled.Sevenandeightyearsoldandthey’dalreadymasteredthelittle-girlpassive-aggressiveequivalentof“I’mfine.”
“What’dyouthinkofKristen?”Brandonaskedthroughagrinasweclimbedintotheengine.
“Sheseemscool.”Ishrugged,puttingonmyheadset.
BrandonandIhadspentayeartogetherinIraq.Heknewmewell.Undernormalcircumstances,Kristenwasmykindofwoman.Ilikedpetitebrunettes—andwomenwhotellmetogofuckmyselfapparently.
“Justcool?”hesaid,puttingonhisheadset.“Isthatwhyyouwerecheckingoutherass?”
Javiertookhisseat,chucklingtohimselfatBrandon’scommentandShawnhoppedin,catchingthetailend.“Kristen’shotasfuck.Icheckoutherasseverytimeshe’shere.”Heputhisheadseton.“Thatdogbitmeoncethough.”
WealllaughedandIfiredtheenginetolife.
“She’snotintome.She’sgotaboyfriend.AndI’mnotlookingrightnowanyway.”Ihittheswitchtoopenthegaragedoor.“I’mnotdonepayingforthelastone.”
Literally.FOUR
Kristen
Theinterrogationbeganonthedrivehome.
“WhatthehellwasgoingonbetweenyouandJosh?”SloanaskedassoonaswepulledoutofthefirestationparkinglotinhercrappyCorolla.“Sincewhendoyougetoffendedbecauseaguylookedatyourass?”
Ididn’t.Nothingoffendedmeexceptforcauliflowerandstupidity.Ijustdidn’twantthisparticularass-mananywherenearmebecauseifhelooked,Iwasgoingtohaveaveryhardtimenotlookingback.
Joshwasthehumanversionoficecreaminthefreezerwhenyou’reonadiet.Hewasmytype,andIwassexdeprivedandnotaparticulargluttonforpunishment.FewmencouldsparwithmewhenIwasatmysaltiest,andrunningthatgauntletwaspracticallyforeplayforme.Ididn’tfeeltheneedtotorturemyselfunnecessarilybysubjectingmyselftoitonadailybasis.
“IfItellyouthetruth,willyoutellBrandon?Wheredoyourloyaltieslienowthatyou’reengaged?”
Shelaughed.“Tellme.”
Icamecleanaboutthespilledcoffeeandtheshirt.
“OhmyGod,”shesaid,turningonTopangaCanyonBoulevard.“Brandoncanneverknow.Like,ever.”
Iscoffed.“Yeah,nokidding.HeloanedmehistruckforfiveminutesforanemergencytamponrunandImanagetospillcoffeeinitandgetintoaminoraccidentwithhisbestfriend.”
I’dhavetakenSloan’scar,butitwasimpossibletostart.Itcamewithavolleyofinstructions.Jigglethekeywhilepumpingthegas,putyourshoulderintothedoortogetitopen,don’tletthescreechingbeltsstartleyou.Ihadn’twantedtofindmyselfbleedingtodeathinagrocerystoreparkinglotbecauseIcouldn’tgettheenginetoturnover.Icouldhavespilledcoffeeandgottenintoanaccidentinhercarandnobodywouldhavebeenthewiser.Icouldhavetotaleditanditwouldhaveprobablybeenanimprovement.
“WhydoesBrandongetanewtruckandamotorcycleandyouhavetodrivethispieceofcrap?”
“Ilikemycar.”Sloantwistedherlipsupononeside.“Josh’scute,huh?”
“IfIdidn’thaveaboyfriend,I’dgetunderhim.”
Shegaspedandlookedoveratme,wide-eyed.SloanwasalotmoresexuallyconservativethanIwas.Shockingherwasoneofmyfavoritehobbies.Inevermissedanopportunity.
Ishrugged.“What?Ihaven’tgottenlaidsincelastyear.Andthisshirtsmellsincredible.”Idippedmynosebackinsidetheneckline.“Liketestosteroneandcedar.Anddidyouseehimwashingthosedishes?HelookedlikeMr.Februaryinasexyfiremencalendar.Guyslikethataretheexactreasonwhymygrandmotheralwaystoldmetowearcleanunderwearincaseyougetintoacaraccident.”
Sheshookherhead.“IsweartoGodyou’reaman.”
“IwishIwereaman.ThenIwouldn’thavetodealwithallthisfaultyplumbing.”Icrampedagainandwinced,rubbingahandonmystomach.
Shelookedoveratmeasshestoppedforaredlight.“Isitgettingworse?”
Itwasgettingworse.
“No,sameasalways.”
Sloandidn’tneedtoknowthetruth.Shewasthekindofpersonwhocarriedotherpeople’sproblemsonhershoulders—especiallytheproblemsofthosesheloved.Ihadnointentionoftellingherwhatthedoctorsaiduntilshewasbackfromherhoneymoon.Letherbeignorantandhappy.
Itdidn’tneedtoruinbothourlives.
***
TylercalledwhileIwasgoingthroughmyemails,anhourafterSloandroppedmeoffathome.Iwasstillcrampingandfeelinggenerallylikeshit.IstaredatthechimingphoneforfourringsbeforeIpickeditup.
“Hi,babe.”IputmoreenthusiasmintomytonethanIfelt.Thatwasthethingaboutmilitaryrelationships—youdidn’tgetalotofcalls.Maybeoneaweek.Youhadtotakethemwhentheycame,whetheryoufeltliketakingthemornot.
Andtodaywasanot
“Hey,Kris,”hesaidinthatsexyaccentofhis.AlittleFrench,alittleSpanishmaybe?Allhisown.“Igotthecarepackage.You’realifesaver.”
IsetmylaptoponthecoffeetableandwenttothekitchenwithStuntmantrottingbehindme.“Good—Iworrieditwouldn’tcomeintime.”
“GothereFriday.Ican’twaituntilIcangetchocolate-coveredespressobeanswheneverIfeellikeit.”
“Yeah.”IgrabbedabottleofCloroxandaragandopenedthefridge.UsuallyIpacedwhenIwasonthephone.ButIcleanedwhenIwasstressed.
Stresswonout.
IstartedpullingoutTupperwareandjuicecartonsandsettingthemonthefloor,holdingmyphonewithmyshoulder.“I’llbuysomesoyou’llhavetheminthepantrywhenyougethere.”
Thepantry.Itwouldbeourpantry.Idon’tknowwhythisweirdedmeoutsomuch.Idraggedthetrashcannexttothefridgeandbegantossingoldtake-outboxes.
“It’sValentine’sDaytomorrow,”hesang,pokingme.
Imadeadismissivegruntingnoiseintothefridge.IhatedValentine’sDay.Heknewthat.Totalwasteofmoney.“Ihopeyou’renotplanningonsendingmeflowers,”Isaiddryly.
Hesmiledthroughthephone.“Whatwouldyoulikemetosendyouthen?”
“SomethingpracticalthatI’llgetuseoutof,likeadickpic.”
Helaughed.“Sowhat’sgoingonathome?”heasked.
Ireachedtothefarendofthetopshelftopulldownatwo-literbottleofflatSprite.“Notmuch.Hey,doyouknowanythingaboutworkingwithwood?”Iopenedthebottlewithapithandturneditupsidedowninthesinkandwaitedforittodrain.
“No.Why?”
“Oh,it’sjustMiguelquit,”Imumbled.
“What?Why?”
“Hegotanotherjob.Ineedanewcarpenter.Ihavethisoneguy,buthe’snotthebestoption.”Imuscledtherackfilledwithcondimentsfromthedoor.“Hedoesn’thaveaworkshoplikeMiguelsohehastodoitoutofmygarage.”
“Idon’tknowthefirstthingaboutwoodworking,Kris.Hey,ifyouputanadout,waitformetogethomebeforeyoudointerviews.Therearealotofpervertsoutthereandyou’rehomealone.”
Mymindwenttomy911callthismorning.Iwouldn’ttellTyleraboutthat.Itwouldjustworryhim,andtherewasn’tathinghecoulddoaboutit.
Icarefullyunloadedthemustardandketchupbottlesandstartedwashingtheemptyrackinthesink.“Sowhat’sthegameplanwhenyougetout?Howlonguntilyougethired,youthink?”
Itwasn’tlikehehadtoworrytoomuchaboutfinances.Tylercamefrommoney.Butifhedidn’thaveajobtogotoeveryday,Ididn’tknowhowI’dhandleallthetogetherness.
We’dbeendatingfortwoyears,buthe’dbeendeployedthewholetime.I’dmethimatabarwhenhewasonleave.Long-distancewasallwe’deverknown.Twoweeksofleaveeveryyear,fullofsexandeatingout,wasonething.Havingalive-inboyfriendwhowasgoingtositaroundandhangoutwithmeforanindeterminateamountoftimewassomethingelseentirely.
Thewholedamnthingtriggeredme.Iwasgoingfromhavingamanwhowasalmostinvisibletohavingonethatwouldbehere24-7.
Andthiswasmyidea.
He’dwantedtoreenlistandI’dtoldhimifhedid,Iwasout.Icouldn’tdoanotherdeployment.ButlatelyIwasafraidIcouldn’tdothiseither.It’snotthatIdidn’tlovehim.Itwasjustahugechange.
“I’vegotaninterviewwiththeStateDepartmentassoonasIgetback,”hesaid.“MighttakeawhilebeforeIgetin.AndI’llgettospendlotsoftimewithyouuntilI’moutofbackgroundchecks.”
Mylipspursed.Iputtheshelfupsidedowntodry.“Yeah.MaybewecanrentacabinupinBigBearorsomethingwhilewewait.CatalinaIsland.Makeitfun.”
“Thinkbigger.WhystayinCaliwhenwecangosomewherewe’veneverbeen?”
Helovedtotravel.
Ismiled,weakly,andwentinforthenextrack.Stuntmanbarked.Hegotexcitedwhenthefridgewasopen.Ineverfedhimhumanfood,butIthinkSloanhadbeensneakinghimpiecesofturkeywhenevershewashere.
“Isthatmylittlearchnemesis?”heasked.“Thatdogbetternotbitemeagain.”
Ipulledontheshelf.Itwasstuck.“Orwhat?”
“Orhe’sgoingtothepound.”Helaughed.Hewaskidding.Butitannoyedmejustthesame.
“Howdoyoudealwitharmedinsurgentswhenyoucan’thandleonefour-poundYorkie?”Igavetheshelfahardyankanditcameawayfromthedoorwithaclatterofcondimentjars.
“Ifthatfatassisfourpounds,I’lleatmyhelmet.”Hechuckled.
Ilaughedandfeltmyselfsoftenalittle.“He’sjustfluffy.”
“Iknow.I’mjustplayingwithyou.YouknowIloveyourdog.”Hepausedforamoment.“Miamor?”
Ourgame.MylipstwitchedintoasmileandIstayedsilent.Isetthecondimentrackdownonthekitchentableandclosedthefridgedoor.
“Amoremio?”hesaidinItalian.
Still,Iwaited.Iwantedonemore.Maybetwo.
“MeineGeliebte?”
Germanmaybe?
“Monamour?”
Ugh.Thatdidit.TheFrenchalwaysgotme.
Tylerhadbeenamilitarybrat.Hisparentswerediplomatsandhadbeenstationedallovertheworld.Heknewfourlanguagesbythetimehewasoldenoughtotalk.Nowheknewnine.Hewasaninterpreter.HewasalsooneofthemostintelligentmenI’devermet.
Hespecializedinsimultaneousinterpretation,askillsetallitsown.HeknewArabicandFarsitoo,whichmadehimaparticularassetintheMiddleEast.They’dlobbiedhardtokeephiminservice.Itsaidalotabouthisfeelingsformethathewaswillingtoleaveallthat.
Iputmybacktothefridgedoorandsliddowntothefloor,agrinonmyface.“Yes?”
“Iknowyou’renervousaboutmecominghome.Icanhearyoucleaning.”
Heknewmetoowell.“Andyou’renot?Imean,let’sbehonesthere—thisisalittlecrazy,right?We’veneverspentmorethanfourteendaystogetheratatimeandnowwe’removingintogether.WhatifIdriveyouinsane?Whatifondayfifteenyouwanttokillmeinmysleep?”
WhatifIwanttokillyouinyours?
Onpaperitmadeperfectsense.Hedidn’thaveaplaceofhisown.Whygetone?He’dbeoverhereallthetimeanyway.Andifhewasgoingtobeoverhere,shouldn’thepayrent?
Thismove-inthinghadbeenintheworksforsixmonths.TylerandIhaddecidedonitbackwhenSloanandImovedoutandIgotmyownplace.Itwashardlyanewdevelopment.Itjustfeltlikeitwasbarrelingtowardmeallofasudden.
“Kris,theonlythinginsanewouldbemespendinganothertwoyearshalfaworldawayfromyou.Itwasn’tjustyouwhocouldn’thandleitanymore.It’sgoingtobegreat.Andifit’snot,you’lltellmetogofuckmyselfandmakememoveout.”
Isnortedandputmyforeheadintomyhand.God,whatthehellwaswrongwithme?“Tyler,doyoueverseeyourselfactingcrazy,butyoucan’tstopbecauseyou’renotaquitter?”
“You’retheleastcrazywomanIknow.It’smyfavoritethingaboutyou.It’snormaltobenervous.It’sabigstep.”Hechangedthesubject.“Howareyoufeeling?Doyouhaveasurgerydate?”
“Twoandahalfmonthsfromnow.TheweekafterSloan’swedding.I’mnotanemicanymore,”Iadded.
“Good.IwishIwerealreadytheretotakecareofyou.”
“Ohyeah?AreyougoingtobuymepadswhenIneedthem?”Iaskedwryly,knowingthiserrandwasanaffronttohisverymanhood.Menweresodramaticaboutbuyingfeminineproducts.Ineverunderstoodwhatthebigdealwas.
“Now,let’snotgetaheadofourselves.”
Irolledmyeyeswithasmile.“Luckyforyou,there’sonlyoneneedIwantyoutotakecareof.I’mclimbingthewalls.”
Helaughed.“Aslongasyou’renotclimbinganybodyelse.”
MymindflickeredtraitorouslytoJosh.
Tylerdidn’thaveanythingtoworryabout.Ididn’tcheat.Neverhad,neverwould.
Cheatingwasacompletelyavoidablescenarioaslongasyouoperatedwiththebarestamountofcommonsense.
Likenotputtingyourselfintovulnerablesituations,suchashiringahotfireman-carpentertospendhoursworkinginyourgarage.
Joshwouldbeanendurancetestofmywillpower.
“Look,Kris,Igottago.I’lltrytocallyouagaininafewdays.Nomorestressing.Ican’twaittoseeyou.AndI’mgonnatearyouupwhenIgetthere,”headded.
Nowhehadmeinabettermood.Ofcourse,howmuchhecouldtearmeupdependedentirelyonwheremywackycyclewasatthemoment.ButIlikedtheoffer.“Ican’twait.”Igrinned.
“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo.”
WehungupandIsurveyedthechaosI’dpulledfromthefridge.Stuntmansatinthemiddleofit,lookingupatme.Hislittlewhitechinlookedlikethebeardonanutcracker.
Thisisfine.It’sallgoingtobefine.
ButIspentthenextthreehoursscrubbingthekitchenjustthesame.FIVE
Josh
Twodaysafterourfenderbender,IknockedonKristen’sdoor.Yappingstartedontheotherside.I’djustgottenoffmyshift,andIhadaheapingpileofbuildingmaterialsinthebedofmytruck.Brandonletmeraidhisgarageforpowertools.ThankGod.Thisjobwastemporary—Ididn’tneedtobebuyingshit.
Kristenopenedthedoor,wearingapinkrobeandagreenmudmask.“Hey.Comein.”
StuntmanMikebouncedoffmyshins.Ireacheddowntopethim,andshestoppedme.“Don’t.Hebites.”
“We’vealreadymet.Heletmeholdhimatthestation,”Iremindedher.
“He’sgotamisplacedsenseofownershipovermeandhismemoryisstoredinabrainthesizeofapeanut,”shemumbled.“Waitafewminutesuntilhecalmsdown.Thenit’llbesafer.”
Ilookeddownatthelittlefluffball.Hegrowledandwaggedhisnubofatailatthesametime.IfollowedherintothehouseandleaneddownandgaveStuntmanMikeapatwhileshewasn’tlooking.
AteeteringstackofFedExboxessatpiledbythefrontdoor.Thecoffeetablewascoveredincarefullyorganizedpilesofpaper.Alaptopsatinthemiddleofitwithabeernexttoit,stillcold.Theglassbottlewasperspiring.“Alreadydrinking,huh?It’sbreakfasttime.”
“IhadaPop-Tartwithit,”shegrumbled.
Isnorted.
Herhousewasclean.Sparse,butclean.Smelledalittlelikebleach.Therewasahugevaseofflowersonhercredenza.FromtheboyfriendforValentine’sDay,Iguessed.Ihatedthatholiday.Justanexcusetospendmoneyonoverpricedshit.IwasgladIwassingleforitthisyear.
“Here’sthegarage.”Sheopenedadooroffthelaundryroom.
Atinylacyblackthonghungfromahangeroverthedryerateyelevel.Ilookedatitlongerthanwasprobablyappropriate.
Ihadn’tbeenwithanyonesinceCeleste.I’dbeentoobusyandwornoutfromthenewjobandthemove.Andtobehonest,I’dbeenenjoyingnothavingtodealwithawoman.Itwasareprieve.
Ithadbeenmyexperiencethatallwomen,eventheonesyou’reonlyhavingsexwith,areonsomelevelexhausting.Iwasn’tinanyparticularhurrytogetbacktoit.
IcameupbehindKristenandpeeredintothegarageoverhershoulder.ItwascavernousandmostlyemptyexceptforafewcontainersstackedagainstthefarendandanewerblackHondaparkedinthelastbay.Shehitabuttononthewallandsunlightshaftedundertheopeninggaragedoor.
Sheturnedtome,thegreenmaskstartingtocrackaroundtheedges.“Bathroomisdownthehall.Sodasareinthefridge.Hollerifyouneedsomething.I’llgetyouafan.It’sahundredandfucksdegreesouthere.”Sheleftmestandingthere.
Well,thereceptionwaschilly,butatleastshe’dletmein.
Ibackedmytruckupandstartedtounload,andshecamedownthestairsandsetafaninthemiddleofthefloor.Thenshewalkedoutintothedriveway,greenmaskandall,andputmyfoldedshirtintomyhands.“Here.Iwashedit.”
“Thankyou.”Acarrolledbyandthedriverstaredather.Ilookedbackatherwithanarchedeyebrow.“Don’tyoucarewhatpeoplethink?”
“DoIlooklikeIcare?”
“No.”
“Thereyougo.”SheturnedandwentbackintothehouseandIsmiledafterher
Kristenhadcrossedmymindafewtimesoverthelasttwodays.I’dactuallyfoundmyselfsomewhatlookingforwardtocomingoverandgettingfurtherabused.
I’daskedBrandonaboutherboyfriend.Notstraightout—I’daskedhimwhyshedidn’thavehimbuildthestairs.Justanexcusetofindoutmoreabouther.
Brandononlymethimonce,almostayearago.Didn’thavemuchtosayaboutit,otherthantheguyseemedallright.ButhedidsaySloandidn’tseemtolikehimforsomereason.I’dpressedformore,buthejustshruggedandsaidshewasn’tafan.
TwohourslaterIpokedmyheadintothelivingroom.“Where’dyousaythebathroomis?”
She’dchangedintosweatsandaT-shirtandshelayonthecouchwithaheatingpadonherstomach.Hermudmaskwasgone.
Sheansweredwithhereyesclosed.“Downthehall,seconddoor.Puttheseatbackdown.”Shewinced.
“Youokay?”
“Fine.”
Shedidn’tlookfine.Shelookedlikeshewashavingtheperiodfromhell.
“Haveyoutakenanythingyet?”Iasked.
“Itooktwoaspirinatfoura.m.”Evenherwordssoundedpainful.
Ilookedatmywatch.“YoucanalternatewithMotrin.Ihavesomeinmygymbag.”
Iwentouttothetruckandgottwopillsandbroughtthembackwithawaterbottlefromthefridgeandhandedittoher.Shetookthemgratefully.
“Yougetalotofcallsforperiodcramps?”sheasked,lyingbackagainstthecushions,closinghereyes.
“No.ButIgrewupwithenoughwomentoknowthedrill.Also,I’maparamedic.Youshouldn’tbetakingaspirinforcramps.AleveorMotrinisbetter.”
“Yeah,Iknow.Iranout,”shemuttered.
“I’mgoingtogetsomelunch.Wantsomething?”IfiguredifIwasgoingtoeat,mightaswellaskhertoo.
Sheopenedaneyeandlookedatme.“No.”Thenshesatupwithagrimace.“Ineedtogotothestore.”
“Whatdoyouneed?I’llgetit.I’mgoingoutanyway.”
Sheclutchedtheheatingpadtoherbellyandeyedme.“Youdon’twanttobuywhatIneed.Trustme.”
Iscoffed.“What?Pads?Tampons?Ihavesixsisters.Thisisn’tmyfirstrodeo.Textmewhatyouwant.”Iturnedforthegaragebeforeshecouldobject.Icouldn’tcarelessaboutbuyingthestuff,andshedidn’tstrikemeasthekindofwomantobeembarrassedbyfeminineproducts—oranything,forthatmatter.
Shewasn’t.Shesentmealonglist.Itwasallheavy-duty.Ultrathisandovernightthat.IgrabbedhersomeMotrintoo.
IstoppedatMcDonald’sandgotherfood,figuringshewasprobablytoosicktomakesomethingforherself.
WhenIgotback,Idroppedthebagoftamponsatthefootofthecouch.
“Thanks,”shesaid,sittinguptopeerintothetopofthebag.“I’llwriteyouacheck.I’venevermetaguywhowaswillingtobuythatstuff.”
“What,yourboyfriendgetsworriedthecashierwillthinkhe’sgothisperiod?”Isaid,ploppingontothecouchnexttoherwiththeMcDonald’sbaginmylap.
Shegavemealittlesmile.Shealreadyseemedtobefeelingbetter.TheMotrinmusthavebeenworking.
Istartedpullingfoodfromthebag.“Fries,”Isaid,puttingtheredcontainerinherhand.“Andahotfudgesundae.”Iputthatintheotherhand.
Shelookedfromherhandsbacktomeinconfusion.
“Mysistersalwayswantedsomethingsaltyandsweetwhentheywereontheirperiods,”Iexplained,diggingouttherestofthefood.“Friesandhotfudgesundaes.They’dsendmeouttoMcDonald’s.Iboughtitonautopilot.There’saBigMacandtwocheeseburgerstoo.Ididn’tknowwhatyouwanted.”
Herfacesoftened,andforthefirsttimesinceI’dmether,itlookedunguarded,likeshejustnowdecidedtolikeme.Imusthavefinallytamponedmywayintohergoodgraces.
“Sixsisters,huh?Younger?Older?”sheasked.
“Allolder.Myparentsstoppedwhentheyfinallygottheirboy.”
Dadsaidhe’dcriedfromhappiness.
“Wow.Nowonderyouplymenstruatingwomenwithicecream.Ibetwhentheirperiodssyncedtheysataroundglaringatyouandmakingprisonshivs.”
Isnorted.“BigMacorcheeseburger?”
“Cheeseburger.So,how’dyoumeetBrandon?”sheasked,settingthesundaedownonthecoffeetableandeatingoneofthefries.
Ihandedherayellowpaper-wrappedcheeseburger.“TheMarines.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“YouwereaMarine?”
“OnceaMarine,alwaysaMarine,”Isaid,takingtheBigMacandopeningthebox.
Shelookedmeupanddown.“Howoldareyou?”
“Twenty-nine.SameasBrandon.”
StuntmanMikejumpedupsuddenlyfromthecouchandstartedbarkingfranticallyatnothing.Hestartledtheshitoutofme,butshedidn’tevenflinch,likethiswasadailyoccurrence.Hestaredatnothing,seemedsatisfiedthatwhateveritwaswasgone,andthenhespunafewtimesandlaybackdown.HisshirttodayreadIMISSMYBALLS
“Howoldareyou?”Iasked.
“Twenty-four.LikeSloan.”
Shewasmatureforherage.ButthenIalwaysthoughtSloanwastoo.
“Hmm.”Itookabiteandchewedthoughtfully.“Youseemolder.”
AsidewayssmiletoldmeshelikedthatIthoughtthat.
“Howareyoulikingthenewfirestation?”sheasked.
Shemusthaveseentheansweronmyface.
“Really?It’sshitty?”Sheseemedsurprised.
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow.It’sallright.”
“What?Tellme.”
Itwistedmylips.“It’sjustatmyoldstation,wedidn’tgetshitmedicalcalls.Imean,weonlygot,like,threeaday—”
“Howmanydoyougethere?”
“Twelve?Fifteen?It’sabusystation.Butthecallsarebullshit.Drunkhomelessguys.Crapthatshouldbeatriptoawalk-inclinic.Iwentonacallyesterdayforastubbedtoe.”
“Well,mostpeopleareprettyfuckingstupid.”Sheateafry.
“Mygranddadusedtoalwayssay,‘Evenducttapecan’tfixstupid,’”Isaid,puttingmystrawinmymouth.
“Hmm.No.Butitcanmufflethesound.”
Iburstintolaughterandalmostchokedonmysoda.IlikedherwitsomuchmorewhenIwasn’tthebruntofit.
“Youknow,Ineverthoughtaboutfirefightingbeinglikethat,”shesaidafterI’dgottenholdofmyself.“It’ssoromanticized.Everylittleboy’sdream,”shesaidsarcastically.
Ilookedintomyfrybox.“Itisnotwhateveryonethinksitis—that’sforsure.”
I’dquestionedallmylifechoicesinthelastweek.Sofartherewasn’tmuchthatIlikedaboutanyofit.Reducedtoaprobie,payingthroughthenoseforeverything,runningcallstoputBand-Aidsonidiots.Exceptthiswasturningouttobeinteresting…
“Whydidyoumove?”sheasked.
Ishrugged.“Ihadabreakup.Mygirlfriendofthreeyears,Celeste.Figuredachangeofscenerywasdue.ThoughtImightlikethebusierstation.Anditwasgettingalittletoomuchlivingsoclosetomysisters.IrealizedthatIlikedthembetterwhenIwasdeployed,”Isaiddryly.
“Thebreakupherideaoryours?”Sheunwrappedthecheeseburgerandtookoutthepickleandateitfirst.Thenshedraggedthebunonthepapertoscrapeofftheonions.
“Mine,”Isaid.
“Andwhy?”Shetookabite.
“Alotofreasons.Thebiggestonebeingthatshedidn’twanttohavekids.Idid.Itwasn’tnegotiable.”
Shenoddedagain.“That’sabigone,”shemumbled.
Therewerealotofbigonesattheend.Ialsodidn’tmuchenjoysupportinghershoppinghabitorherinabilitytoactuallyworkinanyofthemanycareerpathsshe’dchosen.Shewasaperpetualstudent,jumpingfromonepursuittoanotherandnevergraduating.Paralegal,vettech,dentalassistant,nursingassistant,EMT—shewasthemostpartiallyeducatedwaitressinSouthDakota.
“Howaboutyou?Boyfriend,right?”Iasked,lookingaroundherlivingroomforaphoto.WhenI’dgonetoSloanandBrandon’stopickuptools,Sloanhadphotosandartandshadowboxesallovertheplace.Kristendidn’thaveanythingonherwalls.MaybeSloantookitallinthemove.
“Yeah,Tyler.He’scominghomeinthreeweeks.Movingin.He’saMarinetoo.”
ItookaswallowofmyCoke.“Firsttimelivingwithsomeone?”
“IlivedwithSloan.Butyeah,firsttimelivingwithaboyfriend.Anytips?”
Ipretendedtothinkaboutit.“Feedhimandgivehimlotsofsex.”
“Goodadvice.ThoughI’mhopingthat’swhathedoesforme,”shesaid,laughing.
HerlaughtransformedherfacesoinstantlyIwasimmediatelytakenbyhowbeautifulshewas.Natural.Longthicklashes,smoothflawlessskin,warmeyes.I’dthoughtshewasprettytheotherdaytoo,butascowlisanunflatteringfilter.
Iclearedmythroat,forcingmyselftolookawayfromher.“Sodoglets,huh?”InoddedatStuntmanMike.Hehadhisheadonherlap.Thetipofhistonguewasout.Hedidn’tevenlookreal.Likeastuffedanimal.“Youknow,hedoesn’tseemlikethekindofdogyou’down.”
Shelookedatmecuriously.“WhatkindofdogdoIlooklikeI’down?”
“Idon’tknow.IguessIjusthadapreconceivednotionaboutwhatkindofpeopleowndogslikethis.ParisHiltonsandlittleoldladies.Ishethereasonwhyyoustartedthebusiness?”ItookabiteofmyBigMac.
“Yeah.TherewerethingsIwantedtobuyforhimthatIcouldn’tfindonline.SoIstartedmakingthem.Peoplegonutsfortheirlittledogs.Thebusinessdoeswell.”
ThatIcouldbelieve.Justwiththeamountofordersshe’dalreadygivenme,Icouldtellshemadeadecentliving.Itwasprettyimpressive.
Itiltedmyhead.“They’rekindofuselessthough,aren’tthey?Littledogsdon’treallydoanything.”
Shescoffed.“Okay,firstofall,hecanhearyou.Secondofall,he’saworkingdog.”
“What,apersonalsupportanimal?”Everyoneseemedtohaveonethesedays.“Doesn’tcount.Adogthathangsoutwithyouisn’taworkingdog.That’snotajob.”
“Andwhatexactlywouldcount?”sheasked.
“Apolicedog.Asearch-and-rescueorserviceanimal.Aprotectiondog.Ahuntingdog.”
Shelookedatme,deadserious,andputahandonStuntmanMike’shead.“He’sahuntingdog.”
“I’mprettysurethat’saninsulttohuntingdogseverywhere.”Idugformycellandpulledupapictureofmybuddy’sLabwithaduckinhismouth.“Thisisahuntingdog.”
Shelookedunimpressed.“Yeah,that’sadogthathuntsducks.Stuntmanhuntswomen.”
Isnorted.
“What?I’mserious.He’sladybait.”
Iglancedathim.Hewasprettycute.
Sheputhercheeseburgeronthecoffeetableandpulledherdogintoherlaplikeafloppyteddybear,cradlinghimlikeababy.Histonguerolledoutandhungfromthesideofhismouth.“Howaboutthis?Thenexttimeyougotothestore,takehimwithyou.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ican’ttakehimtothestore.”
“Why?”
“Uh,becausehe’snotaserviceanimal?”
Shelaughed.“Stuntmancangoanywhere.He’swearingclothes.He’snotadog—he’sanaccessory.”
Ichewedafrythoughtfully.“SoIjustwalkhiminonaleash?”
“No,youputhiminabag.”
Ishookmyheadwithalaugh.“I’mcoolbuyingtampons,butI’mnotwalkingatinydogintoastoreinapurse.”
“It’snotapurse—it’sasatchel.Andifthiswereentirelydignified,don’tyouthinkalltheguyswouldbedoingit?It’sacorepartofthestrategy.Mendon’towndogslikethis.Theyowndogslikethat.”Shepointedtomyphone.“It’sadorable.Trustme.You’llbeachickmagnet.”
Ididn’tcareaboutbeingachickmagnet,butIlikedtheideaofhavinganinsidejokewithherforsomereason.“Okay.You’vepiquedmyinterest.I’lltestyourtheory.”
“AndifI’mright?”
“ThenI’lltellyouthatyouwereright.”
Shetwistedherlipstooneside.“No.Notgoodenough.IfI’mright,youposeinsomewebsitepictureswithmydogsatchels.Ineedamalemodel.”
OhGod,whathaveIgottenmyselfinto?“SomehowthiswholedealfeelslikeI’mtheloser.”Ichuckled.Whatever.Iwasagoodsport.
“Howareyoutheloser?I’mgivingyoutheopportunitytousemyhighlytrainedhuntingdogtolurescoresofwomenintoyourbed.”
Ismirked.“Youknow,withoutsoundinglikeanasshole,Idon’treallyhaveahardtimegettingwomen.”
Shetiltedherhead.“Yeah,Icanseethat.Youhavethewholesexyfiremanthinggoingforyou.”Shewavedahandovermybody.
Itookadrinkofmysodaandgrinnedather.“SoyouthinkI’msexy,huh?”
Shepivotedtofacemefullon.“There’ssomethingyoushouldknowaboutme,Josh.IsaywhatIthink.Idon’thaveacoyboneinmybody.Yes,you’resexy.Enjoythecomplimentbecauseyouwon’talwayslikewhatIsaytoyou,andIwon’tcareonewayortheotherifyoudoordon’t.”
***
TwodayslaterIwasbackatthestation.I’djustsatdowninthelivingroomaftercleaningupthekitchenbymyselfforhalfanhour.Therestofthecrewlikedtohitthegymafterdinner.Thereweren’tenoughweightbenchesforeveryone.Astheprobie,Ihadlastrighttoanything,letalonethelimitedworkoutequipment,soTVitwas.
Brandoncameintothelivingroomwithawaterbottleanddroppedintoarecliner.“ShawnlostthebookIloanedhim.”
“Whatbook?”Iasked,flippingthechannels.
“DevilintheWhiteCity.IsweartoGod,everytimeIloanthatguysomething,heeitherlosesitordamagesit.”
“Didyoucheckthebathroom?”
“It’sthefirstplaceIlooked.Keepaneyeoutforit,yeah?Ibethesetitdownintheapparatusbayorsomething.I’mprobablygoingtohavetobuyanewcopy,”hegrumbled.
“Why’dyoulethimhaveit?”
Hewavedahand.“Eh,Idon’tknow.Shameonme,right?”Heshookhishead.“Hey,how’sthesidejob?”
Ismiled,thinkingaboutKristen.“She’scoolashell.Shehungoutwithmeinthegarageafewtimesbothdays,justbullshitting.She’shilarious.”
NooffensetoBrandon,butKristenwasturningintomyfavoriteco-worker.AndifIhadtogetbossedaround,I’dratheritbebyheranyday.
Helaughed.“Uh,Iwasaskingaboutthejob.ButIcanseewhereyourmind’sat.”Hegrinnedlikehe’djustwonsomebet.“Iknewyou’dlikeher.”
Igavehimasidewayssmile.“Whatdoyouknowabouther?”
BrandonwasprobablytheoneguyfriendIcouldtalktoaboutthis.Hewouldn’tgivemeshit.AndGodknowsI’dsatthroughenoughtalksaboutSloan.
Heshrugged.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
Everything.
“Idon’tknow.Justtellmewhatyou’veseen.You’veknownheraslongasyou’veknownSloan.”
Hethoughtaboutitforasecond.“Well,let’ssee.She’ssmart.”
Icouldseethatabouther.Goodwithmath.I’dwatchedherfigureoutthetotalsonafewphoneordersinherhead,taxandall.
“She’scompetitive.Doesn’tliketolose.ThecoupleoftimesSloanandIhostedpoker,Kristenplayedandshemadeittothefinaltablebothtimes.Andthoseguysareprettygood.She’sdriven.”
“Howsoliddoyouthinkherandherboyfriendare?”Iasked.“They’removingintogether,soit’sserious,right?”
ThiswaswhatIreallywantedtoknow.
Hegavemearaisedeyebrow.“Iknowshe’sfaithfultohim,buddy.”
Iwasn’timplyingthatIhopedshewouldcheat.ButnowIwascurious.“Howdoyouknow?”
“Imean,I’veneverseenanythingtoleadmetobelieveshe’severmessedaroundonhim.Andshedoesn’tseemlikethetype.She’stooprincipled.”
Ilikedthatshewasloyal.Alotofwomencheatedwhentheirmenweredeployed.IsawitoftenenoughwhenIwasontour.Thelongseparationstooktheirtoll.Itsaidsomethingabouthercharacterthatshestayedthecourse,butatthesametime,Ididn’tlikethatitmeanttheywereprobablyprettyserious.
“Youthinkshe’llmarryhim?”
Hegrinned,shakinghishead.“Allright.”HepickeduptheremotefromthearmofmychairandputtheTVonmute.“YouwanttoknowwhatIthink?”Heleanedforwardwithhiselbowsonhiskneesandclaspedhishands,goingintosquadleadermode.Hewasabouttolevelwithme.“Ithinkshe’snotasintothisguyasshecouldbe.”
Nowherewassomething.Isatup.“Whatmakesyousaythat?”
“Idon’tknow.Ahunch.Bodylanguage.Sloan.Anyrelationshipthatdoesn’thavethebestfriendbehinditisgoingtohavechallenges.AndIdidn’tgettheimpressionKristenwassuperinlovewithhim.Itseemedone-sidedbetweenthem.That’sjustwhatIgotwhenIsawthemtogether.Butthatwasalmostayearago.Thingsmightbedifferentnow.”
ItappedmyfingeronthearmrestandstaredattheMarineCorpstattooonBrandon’sforearm.Minewasonmychest.We’dgottenthematthesametime.“Shedoesn’thaveanypicturesofhiminthehouse.Notone.”Girlsliketoputuppictures.Ithadtomeansomethingthatthereweren’tany.
“Eh,there’splentyonherInstagram.”
Ideflatedagain.
Hegavemeanamusedsmile.“Look,buddy,youknowhowitgoes.Youcomeofftourandyoudon’thaveaplaceofyourownsoyoumoveinwithyourgirl.Itcouldjustbethat.Convenience.Oritcouldbethey’rereallyinlove.Youwantmyadvice?”
Iwaited,lookingathim.
“Stickaround.Oneoftwothingsisgoingtohappenwhenthisguycomeshome.They’lleitherbreakuporthey’llgetmarried.Andiftheybreakup,you’llbethefirsttoknow.There’snodeadline.Youlikehangingoutwithher.”Heshrugged.“Sohangoutwithher.Beherfriend.”
Herfriend.Icoulddothat.Thatwaseasyenough.Anyway,whatchoicedidIhave?SIX
Kristen
Istoodinthedoorofmygarage,holdingaplate,lookingatashirtlessmuscularbackbentoverahalf-constructedstaircase.
ThiswaswhyIhadn’twantedhimhere.Iknewitwasgoingtobeaproblem.IhadaboyfriendandIwasattractedtothisguyandnowJoshwasgoingtobeouthere,half-nakedandsweatyeverytimeIneededsomethingfromthegarage.
ThiswasapleasantupgradefromMiguel,forsure.
Joshhadbeenworkingformeforaweek.He’dalreadydonefiveordersandhe’ddonethemwell.Hewasafairlydecentcarpenter.Igotfourmoreorderslastnight,justenoughtokeephimbusyandshirtlessinmygarageuntilhewentbacktohisrealjobforaforty-eight-hourshiftthedayaftertomorrow.
Heturnedandgavemeoneofhismillion-dollarsmiles.Straightwhiteteeth,crookedupturnedlipsononeside.Hishairhadthatmessythinggoingon,likeagrown-manversionofacowlick.ThenhesawwhatIwasholding,andhedeflatedlikeapoppedballoon.Imademywaydownthestepsandshovedtheplateinfrontofhim.“Imadelasagna.”
Helookedatitsuspiciously.Icouldn’tcook.Ididn’tpretendIcould.Hewaswellawareofthis.ThiswasaStouffer’slasagnathatI’dheatedup,sotechnicallyIdidmakeit.
I’dmadeafewthingsI’dsharedwithhimoverthelastweek.Someverysoggymacandcheese,asad-lookingsandwich,andahotdogI’dboiledinwater.Imean,ifIwascookingformyself,Iwasn’tgoingtonotofferhimsome.Thatwouldberude.Afterall,he’dfedmeonceandhewasinmyhome.
Ormaybetherudethingwasmakinghimeatmycooking.Icouldn’ttellwhichwasworse.
“Thanks.”Hetooktheplate.“Itsmellsgood,”hesaidalmosthopefully.HealwaysatewhatIgavehim,buthe’dalsobroughtalunchtodayandannounceditloudlywhenhegothere.
“Wanttocomeinsideandeatatthetable?”Iasked.
Hecheckedhiswatchandwipedhisheadwiththebackofhishand.I’dsetupthefan,butitwasstilleasilyeighty-fiveouthere,evenwiththegaragedooropen.“Sure.”
HehandedmebacktheplateandturnedtoputonashirtwhileIwatchedthecontouredmusclesofhisbroadbackdisappearunderthegrayfabric.Iavertedmyeyeswhenheturnedbacktomesoitdidn’tlooklikeIhadbeenstaringthewholetime.
Onthewayinside,Stuntmanjumpedathisfeet.Joshscoopedhimupandheldhimforaminute,lettinghimlickhisface.
Thelittlethingwasaroller-coasterrideofemotions.HeseemedtotaketoJoshthough.HehatedTyler.Infact,IwasworriedhowitwouldplayoutonceTylermovedin.Stuntmanwouldn’tevenlethimsitonthebed.Eventhinkingabouthowthatwasgoingtogolaunchedmeintoamaniccleaningspree.
IwonderedifStuntmanwouldletJoshsitonthebed.Ibethewould.
Thatthoughtmademewanttocleantoo.
Joshwashedhishandsinthekitchensink,grabbedaCokefromthefridge,andpulledupachairatthetable.Hetookabiteandmadeaface.
“What?”
“It’sstillalittlefrozen.”Hegulpedhard,wincing.
Igotup,collectedhisplateandstuckitinthemicrowave.
Hewipedhismouthwithanapkinandswallowedsomesoda,lookinglikehewastryingtogettheicecrystalsfromhisteeth.“Whydon’twemakeadeal?WhileI’mhere,I’lldoallthecooking.”
Ishrugged,leaningonthecounter.“I’dbeoffendedifIwasn’tsofuckingpractical.”
Helaughedandhisdimplescreased.God,hewasagood-lookingman.I,ontheotherhand,lookedlikeabum.
Myguiltresponsetotheattractivemaleinthehousewastomakeaslittleeffortatlookingpresentableashumanlypossible.
IhadnowayofcontrollingwhatthoughtsaboutJoshranthroughmyhead.Thatrunawaytrainhadalreadyleftthestation.ButIcouldcontrolwhatIprojected.Myclothesweremyoutwardwayofsaying,“Nope,notinterested,”whileinternallymyimaginationwasnakedanddisrespectingmyrelationshipwithTylerineverywaypossible.
MyhairwasinasloppypileonmyheadandIhaddressedlikeIwasabouttoplayameangameofvolleyball.Ipickedtheshirtwiththeholeinthearmpitonpurpose.
“Hey,Iwantedtoaskyouforafavor,”Joshsaid.“CanIuseyourguestbathroomtotakeashowerlater?”
Josh,nakedinmyshower.“Sure.”
“I’vegotadate,andIdon’twanttohavetodrivehomeandback.”
“AnddowehaveStuntmantothankforthisdate?”Iasked,hopingIsoundedadequatelyunaffectedbythisnews.AsIshouldbe.ThemicrowavebeepedandIhandedhimbackhisplate.
“Youwereright.He’sahuntingdog,”hemumbled.
“Whatwasthat?Icouldn’thearyou.”Igrinned.
Hegavemeasidewayssmile.“He’sahuntingdog.Areyouhappy?”
He’dtakenStuntmantotheHomeDepotonmychallengeandhe’dcomebacksayingonly,“Letmeknowwhenyouwanttodothephotoshoot.”
Heputanexploratoryfingerintothecenterofthelasagna,testingthetemperature,andseemedsatisfied.Heputhisfingerinhismouthtosuckthesauceoffitandstartedeating.Iputmyownplateinthemicrowaveandleanedbackonthecountertowait.
Mycellphonepinged.
Sloan:Areyoubehavingyourselfwithyourcutecarpenter?
Igrinnedmischievously.
Kristen:Nope.Hejustputafingerinmylasagna.
Sloan:WTH?!
Isnorted.
Sloan:Okay,nowmyeyelidistwitching.Thanks.
TriggeringSloan’snervouseyetwitchwaslikehittingthebellonastrongmangame.Ilovedit.You’dthinkaftertwelveyearsshe’dbedesensitizedtomysenseofhumor,butsheneverfailedtogetflustered.
Sloan:Remember,youcanlookbutyoucan’ttouch.UnlessyoubreakupwithTylerInarrowedmyeyes.She’dlovethat.
Kristen:Notachance.
Sloan’sprejudicesagainstmyboyfriendboileddownto,“Ijustdon’tseeit.”
Itwasn’thimandmeshecouldn’tsee.Itwashimandus
IguessIkindofgotwhy.Imean,Tylerdidn’trideamotorcycle.Hedidn’thunt.Didn’tcareforpoker.Preferredanexpensiveglassofwinetowhiskeyorbeer.Likedtheaterovermovies.BrandonandhehadverylittletodiscusstheonetimetheymetexceptfortheMarineCorps,andTyler’sjobwassospecializedtheycouldn’tevenreallyconnectonthatfront.
Tylerdidn’tfitintoSloan’svisionofourfuture,fullofpoolpartiesandbarbecues.Hewasmoreofacocktail-partyandcharcuterie-platekindofguy.
Ididn’tlikecharcuterieplates.Theyalwayshadweirdstuffonthem.
ItookmylasagnafromthemicrowaveandsatdownacrossfromJosh.
“Thatpartyiscomingupsoon,”hesaid.“DoyoumindifIgotreadyherethentoo?It’sthirtyminutesinthewrongdirectionifIgohome.”
Sloanhadadinnerpartyplannedforstuffingweddinginvitationsintoenvelopesandputtingtogethertheweddingfavors.ItwasamandatorybridalpartyactivityandintypicalSloanfashion,shewantedeveryonedressedtotheninestotakepicturesforInstagram.
“Sure.WannashareanUber?Iwanttodrink.”
“Yeah,soundsgood.”
Ismiled.Ilikedthatweweregoingtogether.Asidefrombeingfodderformyfantasies,Joshborethedistinctionofbeingoneofthefewpeoplewhodidn’tannoyme.Ilikedspendingtimewithhim.
Adangerouscircumstancetobesure.
MycellphonerangandIansweredit,leaningoverinmychairtograbmyorderclipboardoffthecounter.Iwrotetheorderdownandhungup.
Joshgavemeanamusedsmile.“Wow,you’resodifferentonthephone.Soprofessional.”
“IonlycussonbusinesscallswhenI’mupsellingmySonofaBitchandCrazyLittleFuckershirts.”
Joshchuckledandcutanotherbiteoflasagnawiththesideofhisfork.“Whatdidtheyorder?Anystairs?”
Apartofmehopedheaskedbecausehelikedcomingoverandwantedareason.Thatsamepartofmepurposelydroppedlasagnaonmyshirtaspenance.IfIhadonemoreinappropriatethoughtaboutJosh,IwasgoingtohavetoseeifIhadsomeoldcurlerstoputinmyhair.
“Hehasmystairsineveryroomofhismansionalready,”Isaid,wipingtheredsaucestainwithanapkin.“Dale’smybestcustomer.He’sgotsixMalteseandmillions.HeownsastripclubindowntownLA.Spenttwoyearsinprisonfortaxevasion.Ilovetheguy.Everymonthheorderstwenty-fourshirtsforhisdogs.Helikesmetodelivertheminperson.”
Hishandsomebrowfurrowed.“Youdelivergoodstoafelonbyyourself?”
Igavehimacockedeyebrow.“He’seighty-three.He’slonely.AndhowdangerouscananarthriticoldmanwithaponytailandadognamedSergeantFluffMcStuffsactuallybe?”
Hechuckled.“FluffMcStuffs?Doalllittledogshavestupidnames?”Hetookadrinkofhissoda.
Iballedupthesaucynapkinandpickedupmyfork.“Youshouldnameanydogaccordingtohowitwillsoundwhileyellinghisnameandchasinghimdownthestreetinabathrobe.”
HelaughedsosuddenlyCokedribbleddownhischin.HechokedamomentandIhandedhimanapkin.
“Sohaveyouplannedthebachelorpartyyet?”Iaskedoncehe’drecovered.
“I’mworkingonit.It’snotforanothermonthandahalf,soIhavetime.Howaboutyou?”Hewasstillsmilingandshakinghishead.
“We’regoingtoadayspafirst.ThenHollywoodinalimotogobarhopping.AndI’mmakingherasuck-for-a-buckshirt,”Isaid.
Hisforeheadwrinkled.“Awhat?”
“Holdon—I’llgetit.”IwenttomyroomandgrabbedtheshirtI’dbeenworkingon.WhenIcamebackoutandhelditup,hestared.
“ArethoseLifeSavers?”
I’dsewnthecandiesontotheshirteveryinchorsoapart.“Yeah.Randomguyspayadollarpercandyandtheyhavetobiteitoffher.Theonesonhernipplesarefivedollars.She’sgoingtohateit.”
Hestartedlaughingagain.
“WhereareyoutakingBrandon?”Idrapedtheshirtcarefullyoverthebackofachairandsatbackdown.
Hechewedthoughtfully.“I’mthinkingVegas.Nostripclubs.Maybeaniceresort,aroundofgolf.Asteakhouse.Thisjobisdefinitelyhelpingmewiththebudget.”
You’dneverfindBrandoninastripclub.ItspoketotheirfriendshipthatJoshknewthat.IcouldseeBrandongoingtobeagoodsport,butthatwasn’thisscene.Hewaskindofintroverted.Hedidn’tlikedancing,wouldn’tgonearakaraokebar.“He’dprobablylikeastraight-razorshave.Maybeabourbontasting.”
Hegavemeanapprovingnod.“Ilikethat.Anythingelse?”
“Canyougetamotorcycle?Heloveshisbike.He’dwanttoridethere.”
Thatearnedmeadimpledsmile.“You’regoodatthis.”
“I’mfullofideas.Toobadthey’dneverletusdosomethingfunforthewalkdowntheaisle.Sloanwantsitalldignified.”Irolledmyeyes.
“Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”
“Idon’tknow.Somethingviralvideo–worthy.MaybetheliftfromDirtyDancingorsomething.”
“Westillcould.Itcouldbeasurprise.Youknowthey’dloveitoncetheysawit.”
Ieyedhim.“Doyouhavethosekindsofdancemoves?”
“Hellyeah,I’vegotthosemoves.NobodyputsBabyinthecorner.Letmeknowwhenyouwanttostartpracticing.”
God,thosedimples.
Thecornersofmylipsturnedup.“YouandImightjustbetheperfectbestman–maidofhonormatchever.”
Hesmiledatmeaflickerofasecondtoolongandsomethingflutteredinmystomach.
Icouldn’thelpbutthinkwewerewellmatchedinmorewaysthanone.
Andmismatchedintheworstwaypossible.SEVEN
Josh
WhyI’ddecidedtogoonthisdatewasbeyondme.TherewasnothingwrongwithAmanda.Shewasbeautifulandnice,butmyheartwasn’tinit.
Kristenhadbeenright:StuntmanMikewasahuntingdog.Hewaslikeadecoy,acall,andaretrieverallinone.
IhadstoppedatasandwichplacebeforetheHomeDepot.Itwasbyayogastudiowhereaclasshadjustgottenout,andI’dbeenapproachedbyalmosteverywomanwithinafifty-footradius.Forbeingsuchacrazyshit,StuntmanMikesurewasinhiselementwiththeladies.Thelittledogwasallswaggerandcharm,lettingthemholdhimwhilehelickedtheirfaces.KristenhaddressedhiminashirtthatreadILOVEMYDADDY,andithadtippedthescales.
AmandaandIsatatabarabouttenminutesfromKristen’shouse.I’daskedhertodrinksinsteadofdinnersoIcouldbailifwedidn’thititoff.Sheworeapink,fitteddressandshesmelledlikepeaches.Longbrownhair,killerlegs,niceeyes.
Toomuchmakeup.Orderedsomefruity,skinnymartiniwithanumbrellainit.Doesn’teatcheeseburgers.
Sheputthetipsofherfingersonmyknee.“I’mgoingtoruntotheladies’room.”Shebitherlip,herhairfallinginacascadeoverhershoulder.“Theyhavereallygreatsaladshere.Wanttogetatable?”Shewinkedatmeandslidoffthestool.
TheicecubesclinkedinmytumblerasItookaswallowofmyold-fashionedandwatchedherwalktothebathroom.
IwonderedwhatKristenwasdoing.
Ipulledoutmycellphoneandscrolledtohernumber.Shepickeduponthesecondring.“Hey.What’sup?”sheasked.Icouldhearherfingerstappingonherlaptop.
“What’reyoudoing?”Ileanedonthebar.
“Invoicing.SamethingIwasdoingwhenyoulefthalfanhourago.Thatwasquick.Unlessyou’recallingmetoseeifyouandyourdatecanusemyguestroom…”
Ismirked.“CanI?”
“Ifyouchangethesheets,”shesaidwithoutskippingabeat.“Sowhat’sourstory,then?I’myoursister?I’llneeddetailsifI’mgoingtowingmanyouproperly.Andifsheendsupbeingsomecrazybitchwhokeepsshowingupoverherelookingforyou,I’mtakingahundreddollarsoffyourpaycheckperinfraction.”
Mylaughmadethebartenderturnaround.“Idon’tneedyourguestroom.Butthanksfortheoffer.I’llkeepthatinmind.She’sinthebathroom.”
“You’recallingmewhileshe’sinthebathroom?OhmyGod,you’reboredasfuck.”
Ichuckled.“Ijustspenttwentyminuteslisteningtothebenefitsofanorganic,vegandiet.Ihaven’teatendinneryet,andI’mcravingpepperoninow.I’m,like,tenminutesfromyou.Wanttoshareapizzainahalfanhour?”
“Icouldeat.”
Igrinned.Thecolorpinkapproachedfrommyperipheralvision.“Textmewhatyouwantonyourpizza,”Iwhispered.“Gottago.”Ihungupandswiveledbacktomydate.“Ijustgotcalledin.”Ipulledoutmywalletandputafewbillsonthebar.“I’msorrytohavetotakeoffonyou.”
Shelookeddisappointed,butsheseemedtobelieveme,whichattheveryleastlessenedmyguiltatrunningoutonher.Ishouldhaveneveraskedheroutinthefirstplace.Ijustwasn’tready.Iwouldn’tmakethatmistakeagain.
IpickedupapizzaandsomeStoneBrewingdarkaleandheadedtoKristen’s,actuallylookingforwardtogoingbackover.
ItoccurredtomethatthiswaswhatIshouldhavebeendoingtonightfromtheverybeginning.Ididn’thavetoworkathangingoutwithher.
WhenKristenopenedthedoorholdingStuntmanMike,shewasincurlers.
IfIeverhadanyquestionwhethershewasremotelyintome,hercompleteandutterlackofanattempttoimpressmewastheanswer.Shedidnotgiveafuck
Iactuallylikedthatshewasherselfinfrontofme.Buttheimplicationdidn’tthrillme.Itmeantherfeelingstowardmeweretotallyplatonic.Forallintentsandpurposes,Imightaswellhavebeenthegayfriend,orabrotherorsomething.Iwasfriendzoned,hard,andthiswastheproof.ThemoreIgottoknowher,themorethisbotheredme.
ShemustreallybeseriousaboutTyler.
Sheploppeddownontothecouchandputherlaptoponherlap.“Wannawatchsomething?”
Aftermovingherneatinvoicepile,Isetthepizzadownonthecoffeetable.“Sure.”Isatdownnexttoherandopenedabeerforher.
Therewassomethingintimateaboutbeinginherhouseatnight.Theenergywasdifferent.Thelightwasdimmer,andthingsseemedquieter.AndIwasn’ttheretowork,whichwasadefinitechangeindynamic.
ShetookthebeerIopenedforher.“Thanks.”Shegavemetheremote.“I’vegottafinishthisbillingthough.”
“HowaboutDeathProof??”Iasked,openingthelidonthepizzabox.“You’vealreadyseenit,soyouwon’tmissanything.”
“Perfect.”
IscrolledthroughNetflixandfoundit.WesattherewithStuntmanMikebetweenuswearinghisBITCHESLOVEMEshirt,drinkingbeerandeatingpizzathroughthefirsthalfhourofit.Thenshedidafinaltaponherlaptopandshutthelid.
“Sowhatwaswrongwithher?”sheasked,proppingherfeetuponthecoffeetable.
“Who?”
“Yourdate.”
Ishrugged.“Nothingincommon.AndI’mjustnotreadytodate,Ithink.”
“Thenwhy’dyouaskher?”Shelookedatme,balancingherbeeronherthigh.
“Shewasayogainstructor.Yogapants.”Ibouncedmyeyebrows.
“Well,youareanass-man.”
“Plus,Iwasbeingmobbed.Ipanicked.”
Shesnorted.“Doyourealizehowbendysheprobablywas?”Shetookaswallowofherbeer.“Youmessedup,dude.”
Ismiled,puttingmybeertomylips.“Eh,I’llbeallright.Besides,womenlikethataretoomuchwork.Thebetterlookingtheyare,thecraziertheyare.”I’dhadfartoomuchexperiencewiththis.
“That’snotauniversalrule.Sloanishardlycrazyatallandlookather.”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow.Sheseemslikeshecouldgooffthedeependiftherightguypushedher.Brandon’sjusttoomellowtounleashthefury,Ithink.”
Shelaughed.Iloveditwhenshelaughed.Likealittlereward.
“Well,youryogainstructorwasavegan,soatleastyouknowshewouldn’thaveboiledyourrabbit.Yousmellgood,bytheway,”shesaid,likeanafterthought.
“Thanks.”
Shesmelledgoodtoo.Whenshe’dgivenmebackmyshirt,someofherperfumestillclungtoit,eventhoughshe’dwashedit.Tartapples.Ididn’twanttoadmithowmanytimesI’dputthatshirttomynose.Ididn’twanttoadmitthatI’dwishedafewtimesIcouldputmynosetohernecktoseeifitsmelleddifferentonherskin.
Iremindedmyselfthatshewastaken.Thegoodonesalwayswere.
WhatIhadsittingnexttomewasthe“coolgirl.”Thatrarewomanwhowasgorgeouswithoutbeingnuts.Thegirlinhighschoolwhohungoutwithalltheguys,butsheneverdatedanyofthembecausenoneofthemwasmatureenoughforher.Thatgirlwhohadaboyfriendwhowenttocollegeandpickedherupinhiscarafterschool.Shecouldbeatyouatbeerpongandhadafootballteamwhowouldkickyourassforsayingonewrongwordtoher,butshe’dneverletthembecauseshecouldhandleherself.
“What?”sheasked.“You’veneverseenawomanincurlersbefore?”
Iwasstaring.Justsittingthere,staringatthesideofherfacelikeafuckingcreep.“Iwasjustwonderingwhatyouwerelikeinhighschool.”
“Lesssarcastic.Skinnier.”
Ismirked.“Dramaclub?Sports?”
“Orchestra.”
“Ipicturedyouasheadofthedebateteamforsomereason.”
Shenudgedme.“Whataboutyou?”
“Iwasn’tintosports.Ijustkindofgotthroughit.Notverymemorable.”Idrankmybeer.“Whatkindofguysdidyoudate?”
ShelookedbackattheTV.“Collegeguys,mostly.”
Iknewit.
AcellphonerangfromtheendtabletomyrightandKristenboltedupstraight.Sheputherbeeronthecoffeetableanddoveacrossmylapforherphone,sprawlingoverme.
Myeyesflewwide.I’dneverbeenthatclosetoherbefore.I’donlyevertouchedherhand.
IfIpushedherdownacrossmyknees,Icouldspankherass.
Shegrabbedherphoneandwhirledoffmylap.“It’sSloan.I’vebeenwaitingforthiscallallday.”Sheputafingertoherlipsformetobequiet,hittheTalkbutton,andputheronspeaker.“Hey,Sloan,what’sup?”
“Didyousendmeapotato?”
KristencoveredhermouthwithherhandandIhadtostifleasnort.“Why?Didyougetananonymouspotatointhemail?”
“Somethingisseriouslywrongwithyou,”Sloansaid.“Congratulations,heputaringonit.PotatoParcel.com.”Sheseemedtobereadingamessage.“Youfoundacompanythatmailspotatoeswithmessagesonthem?Wheredoyoufindthisstuff?”
Kristen’seyesdanced.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.Doyouhavetheotherthingthough?”
“Yeeeess.ThenotesaystocallyoubeforeIopenit.WhyamIafraid?”
Kristengiggled.“Openitnow.IsBrandonwithyou?”
“Yes,he’swithme.He’sshakinghishead.”
Icouldpicturehisface,thateasysmileonhislips.
“Okay,I’mopeningit.Itlookslikeapapertoweltube.There’stapeonthe—AHHHHHH!Areyoukiddingme,Kristen?!Whatthehell!”
Kristenrolledforward,puttingherforeheadtomyshoulderinlaughter.
“I’mcoveredinglitter!Yousentmeaglitterbomb?Brandonhasitalloverhim!It’salloverthesofa!”
NowIwasdying.Icoveredmymouth,tryingtokeepquiet,andIleanedintoKristen,whowashowling,ourbodiesshakingwithlaughter.Imustnothavebeenquietenoughthough.
“Wait,who’swithyou?”Sloanasked.
Kristenwipedathereyes.“Joshishere.”
“Didn’thehaveadatetonight?Brandontoldmehehadadate.”
“Hedid,buthecamebackoverafter.”
“Hecamebackover?”Hervoicechangedinstantly.“Andwhatareyoutwodoing?Rememberwhatwetalkedabout,Kristen…”Hertonewastaunting.
Kristenglancedatme.Sloandidn’tseemtorealizeshewasonspeaker.KristenhittheTalkbuttonandpressedthephonetoherear.“I’llcallyoutomorrow.Iloveyou!”Shehunguponherandsetherphonedownonthecoffeetable,stilltittering.
“Andwhatdidyoutwotalkabout?”Iasked,archinganeyebrow.
Ilikedthatshe’dtalkedaboutme.Likeditalot
“Justsexuallyobjectifyingyou.Theusual,”shesaid,shrugging.“Nothingahotfiremanlikeyoucan’thandle.”
Ahotfiremanlikeyou.Ididmybesttohidemysmirk.
“SodoyoudothistoSloanalot?”Iasked.
“Allthetime.Ilovemessingwithher.She’ssoeasilyworkedup.”Shereachedforherbeer.
Ichuckled.“Howdoyousleepatnightknowingshe’llbefindingglitterinhercouchforthenextmonth?”
Shetookaswigofherbeer.“Withthefanonmedium.”
MylaughcamesohardStuntmanMikelookedupandcockedhisheadatme.
ShechangedthechannelandstoppedonHBO.Someshow.Therewasascenewithrosepetalsdownahallwayintoabedroomfullofcandles.SheshookherheadattheTV.“See,Ijustdon’tgetwhythat’sromantic.Youwantflowerpetalsstucktoyourass?Andwho’sgonnacleanallthatshitup?Me?Like,thanksfortheflowersex,let’sspendthenexthalfanhoursweeping?”
“Thosecandlesareahugefirehazard.”Itippedmybeertowardthescreen.
“Right?Andtrygettingwaxoutofthecarpet.Goodluckwiththat.”
Ilookedatthesideofherface.“Sowhatdoyouthinkisromantic?”
“Commonsense,”sheansweredwithoutthinkingaboutit.“Myweddingwouldn’tberomantic.Itwouldbeentertaining.YouknowwhatIwantatmywedding?”shesaid,lookingatme.“IwantthepriestfromThePrincessBride.Themawageguy.”
Itookaswallowofbeer.“I’dputmywifeinachairwhenI’msupposedtopulloffhergarter,andI’ddancearoundherto‘StuckintheMiddlewithYou’likeinReservoirDogs.”
“Yes!AndI’dwantmyhusbandtoshowupatthelastminuteallredlikeinTheHangover.Thepictureswouldbeawesome.”
Iturnedbacktotheshowwithasmile.
ThisisthedateIshouldhavebeenontonight.ThiswasadateIwouldhavegonehomewith.
“Hey,”shesaid,leaningherheadbackonthecouchandlookingatme.“I’msorryIwasrudetoyouwhenwefirstmet.”
Ichuckled.“Soyou’regoingtostopgivingmeshitaboutmydriving?”
“No.You’reahorribledriver.Imeantthatstuff.”
Ilaughed.
“Ihadabadweek.Youcaughtmeonareallyroughmorning.”
“Why?”Itookadrinkofmybeer.
Shepausedforamomentlikeshewasdebatingwhetherornottoelaborate.“Well,youknowMiguelquitonme.Andmyperiodwasprettycrappy.Ihaven’treallybeensleeping,andthatmorningImetyou,someonetriedbreakingintomyhouse—”
“Wait,what?”Mymoodchangedinaninstant.Isatupandsetmybeeronthecoffeetable.“Someonetriedbreakinginhere?Who?”
Myreactionseemedtosurpriseher.“Look,youcan’ttellBrandonaboutthis.Sloandoesn’tknow.She’sallintothesecrimeshowsandherimaginationwouldjustrunwild.Idon’tneedherfreakingoutonme.”
“Didyoucallthecops?”
“Ofcourse.”
“Didtheycatchhim?”
Sheshookherhead.“Theyfoundacoupleofcigarettesinthebackyardandabeercan.Itwasthreeinthemorning.Stuntmanstartedbarking.Iwalkedthehouseandcamearoundtothebackdoorjustintimetoseethedoorknobjiggle.ThedoorwaslockedandtheytookoffwhenIturnedontheporchlight.What?”
ThelookonmyfacemusthavebeenaspissedoffasIfelt.Thiswasnotfuckingokay.Shewasherebyherself,all110poundsofher,andsomebodytriedcominginheretodoGodknowswhattoher.“Doyouhaveanalarmsystem?Agun?”Whywasshesofuckingblaséaboutthis?
“No.ButsoonI’llhaveaTyler.NothingbetterthananarmedMarine,right?”
Ifrowned.“Youshouldn’tbeherealone.”
“I’llbefine.”Shewavedahandatme.“Ididn’ttellyoutogetyouallworried.IjustwantedyoutoknowwhyIlostitonyou.Itwaskindofthefinalstrawinaweekfromhell.TherewasthatandthenMiguelquitting,andIwasjustexhaustedandannoyedandyou’resuchabaddriver,hittingpeopleatintersections—”
“Havethepolicefollowedupwithyou?Hasanyoneelsereportedbreak-ins?”
“No.Butlastnight—”Shestoppedlikeshecaughtherself.
Iwaited.“Lastnightwhat?”
“Ifoundanothercanandtwocigarettebuttsouttherethismorning.”
Myjawclenched.Thatwasit.“I’mstayingthenighthereuntilTylercomesback.”Iwasdeadserious.Andnowasn’tanoption.
Herfacewentsoft.“WhileIappreciatethegallantry,you’reatthestationhalfthetimeanyway.”
“Andonthosedays,yougotoSloan’s.Ifyoudon’t,I’mtellingBrandonwhat’sgoingon.”
Sheblinkedatme.
“Look,ifthiswereoneofmysisters,Iwouldhopethatsomeonewoulddothesamethingforher.Youshouldn’tbeherebyyourselfwithnothingbutthedogequivalentofarapewhistletoprotectyou.Thisfuckerobviouslyknowsyou’reherealone.Whatifhewouldhavegotteninside?Orgrabbedyouwhileyouwerewalkingthedog?”Igotup.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“We’regoing.I’mnotleavingyouherewhileIrunhome.”
“Runhomeforwhat?”
“Togetmygun.”EIGHT
Kristen
Joshputahandouttome,hisfacestern.Ididn’ttakeit.
“Thisisn’topenfornegotiation.Let’sgo,”hesaid,unblinking.
Ididn’tbudge.“Tylerisnotgoingtobeokaywiththis.”
“Thenexttimehecalls,handmeyourphone.”
“What?”Washeserious?
“Anymanwhowouldallowhisgirltobeunprotectedinthissituationiseitheruninformedoranasshole.Whichoneisit?”
Damn,hewasgood.
Ipressedmymouthintoaline.“He’sseventhousandmilesaway.Hedoesn’tneedtoworryaboutsomethinghecan’tdoanythingabout.”
That’showyoumanagedmilitaryrelationships—youkeptthebadthingsfromeachother.Hedidn’ttellmewhenanIEDwentoffunderaHumveeorwhenasuicidebombdetonatedatacheckpoint,andIdidn’ttellhimwhenacreeperwascomingintomyyardatnighttohaveabeerandasmoke.Wekeptourconversationslightandfun,andthatwastherule.Otherwiseyoulostyourmind.
“That’swhatIthought,”hesaid.“I’mnotleavingyoualonehere.Soyouhaveafewchoices.CallSloan,tellherwhat’sgoingon,andstayoverthereuntilTylercomeshome.Getahotel.Orletmesleephere,intheguestroom.”Helookedatme,stone-coldserious.“Thisisnodifferentthanhavingaroommate.There’snothinginappropriateaboutit.Youcan’tbeherebyyourselfwiththisshitgoingon.”
Iletoutaresignedsigh.Ofcoursehewasright.Andhonestly,Iwasprettyscared.ThefirsttimeIwasmoderatelybotheredbutjustfigureditwasaonetimedeal.Butthismorningreallyfreakedmeout.I’dbeensuperjumpywhenJoshleftonhisdateandIwasaloneinthehouseagain.I’dbeenstresscleaningallday.
Icouldn’tgotoSloan’s.Apipehadburstinherguestroomlastweekandthebedwasstilldismantled.Iwasn’tsleepingonasofaandIwasn’tpayingforahotel.Fuckthat.
“Let’sgo,”hesaid.
“DoIhavetoputonabra?BecauseifIhavetoputonabra,I’mnotgoing.”Iblinkedathimmatter-of-factly.Ialsowasn’ttakingthecurlersout,forreasonsalreadycovered.
Mycommentearnedmeabreakintheseriousexpression.IlethimpullmefromthesofaandImadehimwaitwhileIpoppedtwomoreMotrinfortheroad.Iwasondayelevenofmyperiodandtherewasnosignofitlettingup,butatleastithadfinallydowngradedfromultrastoregulars.
ItriedtoseethesilverpantylinerwheneverIcould.
***
Josh’sapartmentwasastudiofullofboxes.Hehadamattressonthefloorwithasleepingbagforablanketandasinglelampnexttoitthatconstitutedallthefurnitureintheroom.Itsmelledfaintlylikehim:cleancedar.
Hewasopeningboxeslabeled“bedroom”whileIwaited,leaningagainstthekitchencounter.
“Youstillhaven’tdonemuchunpacking,”Isaid,lookingaround.Ipeekedintoacabinetbythemicrowaveandfounditempty.
Heclosedthelidtotheboxhewasinandrippedopenthenextone.“Iworkforty-eight-hourshiftsandthenIgotoyourplaceandbuildstairsfortinydogs.Ihaven’texactlyhadtime.”
Hepulledoutablackmetalboxandunlockedit.Hereachedinandcameoutwithasmallhandcannon.
“Wow.That’sabiggun.”
“Youknow,you’renotthefirstwomantotellmethat.”Hesmirked,shakingoutafewbulletsfromaboxandloadingitwhileIwatched.
Goddamnitwassexy.
Myphonepinged.
Sloan:IsJoshstillthere?
Ithumbedinareply.
Kristen:Sloan,someseriousalphamaleshitisgoingonrightnow.Ineedtofocus.
Sloan:Whatareyoutalkingabout?
Kristen:He’spulledouthisgunandhe’sshowingittome.It’sHUGE.I’llcallyoutomorrow.
Iturnedoffmyringer,imaginingthehorrifiedlookonSloan’sfaceandgrinningtomyself.
IlookedbackatJosh.“Brandonshouldcomehelpyouunpack.”
Heputthegunbackintothebox.“It’sfine.It’sjustclothes.I’llgettoiteventually.Celestetookeverythinginthehouse.”Hestoodup.
“Youlether?”Iasked,slidingopenadrawerbythesink.Asingleplasticforkandtwoketchuppacketssatinside.“Thisplaceisdepressing.”Nowonderhehungoutafterhewasdoneworkinginthegarage.
“Ididn’tfeelrightleavingherwithanemptyhouse.ShestuckmewithsomebillsthatIwouldhavelikedtoleavehertoo,”hesaid,lookingaroundtheroomlikeheonlynowrealizedhowtheplacemustlook.“She’sdatingaguynamedBrad.”
Iscoffed.“Brad?IbethewearspinkcargoshortsandsmellslikeAxebodyspray.”
Helaughedandleanedagainstthecounteracrossfromme,crossinghislegsattheankles.
Iclearedmythroat.“Myfutonreallysucks.Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”
NotthatIwasn’tappreciativeofthegesture.Iwouldfeelbetterhavinghimthere.
IfTylerwasn’tmovingin,someonelikeJoshwouldbetheperfectroommate.Hehadastablejob.Hewasgonehalftheweek,soI’dstillhavealonetime,andhewasreallycooltohangoutwith.
TheattractionIhadtohimwasamajorissue.Icouldn’tlivelong-termwithaguyI’dwanttohookupwith—becauseIprobablywould.Itwouldjustbewaytooconvenient.ButI’dalwayslikedtheideaofamaleroommate.I’dneverhadtheoptionbecauseI’dlivedwithSloanrightoutofhighschool,whichwasgreat.Butinanotheruniverse,Iwouldtotallyhavelivedwithaman.
Hecrossedhisarmsoverhismagnificentchest.“Yes,Iwanttodothis.IfsomethinghappenedtoyoubecauseIdidn’t,Icouldn’tlivewithit.”
Icockedmyhead,mycurlersshifting.“Whendidyoustopdrawingpenisesonstuff?”
Hesnorted.“What?”
“Like,howoldwereyouwhenyoustoppeddrawingpenisesonstuff?IwasjustthinkinghowgreataguyroommatewouldbeandIrealizedtheonlydownsidewouldbefindingpenisesdrawninthesteamonthebathroommirror.”
Hisdimpledsmilemademegrin.
“IjustdrewapenisonBrandon’strucktheotherday.”
Ilaughed.“Somenneveroutgrowit.Nice.”
Hesmiledatme.“Isthisreallywhatyou’restandingtherethinkingabout?”
“Welcometomybrain.Strapinandkeepyourarmsinsidetherideatalltimes,”Isaid,peeringintoadrawerI’dpulledopenwithmyfinger.
Insidesataphotonexttoasparesetofcarkeysandapen.Ipickedupthepicture.ItwasframedbyfoursloppilypaintedPopsiclesticks,likeakidmadeit.Themagnethadbrokenoffthebackandsatinthedrawer.ItwasJosh,onhishandsandkneeswithaboyonhisbackridinghimlikeapony.Ilaughedandheclearedthespacebetweenusandleanedagainstthecounternexttome.
“Mynephew,Michael.Twoyearsago.Hegavemethatformybirthday.”
Mysmilefellthetiniestbit.“Youlikekids,huh?”
“Love’em.”
Hewasstandingjustalittletooclose.Hecrossedhisarmsanditmadehismusclespushoutandpressintomyshoulder.God,hesmelledgood.
Thatyogainstructormesseduprunninghimoff.Ifshewouldhavejustshutupabouttofu,hemightbeoverthereinsteadofhere.
Herloss.
“Doyouwantabigfamily?”Iasked,alreadyguessingtheanswer.
“Ohyeah.Ilovedgrowingupinabigfamily.Iwantatleastfivemyself.IkindofthoughtI’dhavekidsbynow,actually.”
“Whydon’tyou?”
Heshrugged.“Didn’tgetoutofthemilitaryuntilIwastwenty-two.Iwasn’treadyyet.AndthenIwaswithCeleste.Sheneverwantedkids,butshewasalotyoungerthanme.Ithoughtmaybeshe’dchangehermindasshegotolder,youknow?”
“Andshedidn’t.”
Heshookhishead.“Nope.Shewasfuckingpissedatmeforbreakingthingsofftoo.That’swhyIgavehereverything.Itwasn’therfault.Iwastheonewhochangedtherules.Ijustcouldn’tstayinarelationshipthatwasadeadendlikethat.”
“Isee.”Adeadend.“Andareyougoingtomakeyourwifegiveyouallthesekidsyouwant,orareyougoingtoadoptsomeofthem?”
“Nah,Iwantthemtheold-fashionedway.”
AdisappointmentIhadnorightfeelingdroppedintomystomach.
Helookedatmewiththosedeep-browneyes.“Howaboutyou?Bigfamily?”
Ishookmyhead,lookingawayfromhim.“I’manonlychild.”
“Butdoyoulikekids?Wannahavethem?”
Ihandedhimbackhisphoto,hopinghecouldn’tseethecrackinmyheartthroughmyeyes.“Yeah.Ido.”
Itwasn’talie.
Italsowasn’tevergoingtohappen.NINE
Josh
Shehadn’tbeenkidding—herfutonreallydidsuck.Hardasarock.WhenwegotbacktoKristen’s,IchangedintopajamabottomsandaT-shirt.Iwasstandingoverthebrickofabed,debatingwhetherthecouchwasabetteroption,whensheknockedonthedoor.
Shestoodinthehallinhercurlers,wringingherhands,withStuntmanMikeatherfeetlookingupatme.Ithoughtforasecondshe’dseensomeoneintheyardandhadcometotellme.
“Josh?Canyoucometomyroom?”
Mywolfishgrinbrokesomeofthetensiononherface.
“Oh,stop.There’saspider.Ineedyoutokillit.Please.BeforeitdisappearsandIhavetoburnmywholehousedown.”
Ilaughed.“ShouldIgetmygunor…?”
Shebouncednervously.“Josh,I’mserious.Ihatethem.Pleasehelpme.”
Ipulledafewtissuesfromtheboxonmynightstand.“Youknow,youseemtoofearlesstobeafraidofspiders.”
“AblackwidowkilledmyschnauzerwhenIwasakid.Embracingalifelongdebilitatingfearofspidersischeaperthantherapy.”Shestoppedinthedoorwayofherroomliketherewasaninvisibleforcefield,andIalmostbumpedintoherback.
“Well?Whereisit?”
Shepointedtothewallontheothersideofherbed.Itwasadecent-sizespider.Icouldseewhyshewasdistressed.
Herroomwassurprisinglygirly.Idon’tknowwhatIwasexpecting.Shehadtonsofthrowpillowsandasoft-lookingblanketdrapedoffthefootboard.Itsmelledliketheperfumeshe’dhadonthedaysheworemyshirt—greenapples.
StuntmanMikeclimbedamahoganystaircasethatmatchedherbedframeandploppeddownonthepinkfloralbedspreadwithhistongueout.
ThebrownspiderscurriedafewinchesandKristenspunanddidalittlejumpything,buryingherfaceinmychest.
I’dneverlikedspidersmoreinmylife.
Iputmyhandsonhershouldersanddelicatelymovedheroutofmyway.“WhatwouldyouhavedoneifIwasn’there?”Iasked,asIpressedthetissuestothewallfirmly,endingthesiege.
“IwouldhavegonetoSloanandBrandon’s.”ShesqueezedherselfagainstthedoorframeasfarasshecouldgowhileIwalkedthedeadspidertothetoiletinherguestbathroom.
Iflushedthetissuesandturnedtoher.“Letmegetthisstraight.You’llpackupandleaveforaspider,butyouhaveaprowlerinthebackyardandthatyoujustrideout?”
“Myprioritiesfeelstraight.”Shelookedaroundmeatthetoiletlikeshewantedtomakesureitactuallywentdown.
“Thatspiderlookedpregnant,bytheway.ThankGodyoucalledmewhenyoudid.”
SheflappedherhandsandsqueakedalittleandIlaughedather.Icrossedmyarmsandleanedinthebathroomdoorway.“Wegotacallforaspiderlastweek.Believeitornot,itwasoneoftheleaststupidcallswewenton.”
“Iactuallygetthat.Iwasclosetocalling911myself.”
Ichuckledather.
“Well,thankyou,”shesaid.“IfIcaneverreturnthefavor,letmeknow.Like,ifyoueverneedaporchplantkilled,I’myourgirl.”
Ismiledandwebothjuststoodthere.Neitheroneofusmadeamovetogo,eventhoughitwaslate.
Amischievousgrincreptacrossherface.“Areyoutired?”
IlikedtheglintinhereyeandIhadnointentionofendingthisnightifshedidn’twantto,nomatterhowtiredIwas.“No.”
“DoyouwanttogoTPSloanandBrandon’shouse?”
Mylaughmadehereyesdance.
“Iknowit’salittletenth-graderetro,”shesaid.“ButI’vealwayswantedtodoit.Andyoucan’tTPahousealone—it’sarule.”
“We’llhavetoshowuptheretomorrowandhelpthemcleanitup.Pretendit’sjustaluckycoincidence,”Isaid.
“CanyouborrowatoolfromBrandon?IcantextSloaninthemorningtotellherwe’regoingtopickitup.She’llcookifsheknowswe’recoming.Thenwe’llgetbreakfastandatoneforoursins.”Shegrinned.
AhalfanhourlaterIwascrouchedbehindmytrucktwohousesdownfromBrandon’s,game-planningwithKristen.Shestillhadn’ttakenouthercurlers.
“Iftheywakeup,”shewhispered,“wescatterandreconveneatthedonutplaceonVanowen.”
“Gotit.Ifyou’recaptured,nomatterwhattheydotoyou,don’tbreakunderinterrogation.”
Shescoffedquietly.“Asif.Ican’tbebroken.”Shesnatchedherrollanddartedfrombehindthetruck.
Wemadeshortworkofit.OperationTPSloanandBrandon’swascompletedinlessthanfiveminutes.Nocasualties.Wegotbackintothetrucklaughingsohardittookmethreetriestogetthekeyintheignition.ThenInoticedshe’dlostacurler.
Igotunbuckled.“Nocurlersleftbehind.It’sMarineCorpspolicy.”WegotoutforareconmissiononBrandon’slawn.
IlocatedthefallencurlerunderapileofTPbythemailbox.“Hey,”Iwhispered,holdingitup.“Foundit.”
Shebeamedandjoggedacrossthetoilet-paperedgrass,butwhenshereachedforthecurler,Ipalmedit.“You’reinjured,”Iwhispered.“You’velostacurler.Themedicscanreattachit,butI’llneedtocarryyouout.Getonmyback.”
Iwasonlyabout50percentsureshewouldgoforthis.Ibankedonhernotwantingtobreakcharacter.
Shedidn’tskipabeat.“You’reright,”shewhispered.“Mandown.Goodcall.”
ShejumpedupandIpiggybackedhertothetruck,laughingthewholeway.
Thosethirtysecondsofherarmsaroundmyneckmademyentirenight.
Onceweofficiallymadeourgetawayandweredrivingfromtheneighborhood,sheturnedtome.“Hey,youwannaseesomethingcool?”
IwantedtodoanythingthatmeantIgottospendmoretimewithher.“Yeah,sure.”
“Okay,turnlefthere,”shesaid.“It’sasurprise.”
WedroveafewmilesandthenshedirectedmeintoavacantparkinglotinastripmallonRoscoeBoulevardnearherhouse.“Parkthere.Thisisit.”
Ipulledintotheemptylotandputthetruckinpark.“Well?What’sthesurprise?”
Noneofthebusinesseswereopen.Itwasalmost1:00inthemorning.
Sheunbuckledherselfandsatfacingme,herlegstuckedunderherontheseat.Hereyessparkled.“Look.”Shepointedoutthewindshieldtoarun-downpawnshopinfrontofthetruck.
“What?”
“Youdon’tknowwhatthatis?”Shegrinned.
Ilookedbackatthestorefront.Justatiredshop.“Nope.What?”
Sheleanedoverandwhisperedinmyear,“Iain’tthroughwithyoubyadamnsight.I’magetmedievalonyourass.”
Myeyesflewwide.“Nofuckingway.”Ijumpedoutofthetruckandstoodinfrontofthepawnshop,examiningthewindowsandsign.Sheclimbedoutafterme.
“Isthis…?”Iaskedinawe.
“Yup.ThepawnshopfromthegimpsceneinPulpFiction.”
Igrinnedupattheyellowsign.“Wow.”
“Iknow.”
IknewthemoviehadbeenfilmedinCalifornia,butitneveroccurredtometolookforthelandmarks.
“Aretheremore?”Iasked.
“Yeah.There’sthestreetwhereButchrunsoverMarsellus.AndtheoutsideofJackRabbitSlim’sisactuallyavacantbowlingalleyinGlendale.Wecoulddrivebythatsometimeifyouwant.Mostofthelandmarksaregonethough.TherestaurantfromtheHoneyBunnyscene,theapartmentwhereVincentgetskilled—alltorndown.”
Ifurrowedmybrow,butnotbecauseofthedemolishedlandmarks.
ThiswasthebestdateI’deverbeenon.Anditwasn’tevenadate.
Ilookedather,balancingontheballsofherfeetoffaconcreteparkinglotdivider.Shehadnomakeupon.Sweats.Hairinfuckingcurlers.Hell,shedidn’tevenchangeoutoftheshirtwiththeenormouslasagnastainonthefrontbeforeweleftthehouse.Andshewasathousandtimesbetterthanthedrop-deadgorgeousyogainstructorfromafewhoursearlier.
Fun.Witty.Smart.Beautiful.
Thecoolgirl.
AndnothingthatIcouldhave.TEN
Kristen
MycohabitationsituationwithJoshwasondayfive.IstayedinMom’semptybeachhousethetwodayshewenttowork.Itwasn’tideal.MyinventorywasatmyhouseandIhadtobetheretogetanyworkdone.Thecommutewastwohours.Buthewasright—Icouldn’tbeinmyhousealoneatnight.Itjustwasn’tsafe.
JoshandIhaddevelopedasortofroutine.Weatealmosteverymealtogether,watchedmarathonsofshows,tookturnswalkingStuntman,anddidlate-nightfoodruns.Ihadplannedtostayawayfromhimasmuchaspossible,buttherewasonlytheoneTVinthelivingroomandthecoffeetablewasmyunofficialoffice.Andifwebothneededtoeat,itdidn’tmakeanysensetodoitseparately.Sowejustkindoffellintogether.
Everymorninghe’dpatroltheyardforevidenceofmycreeper.Itwasseriouslyfuckinghot.Thenhe’dmakeuseggsandwe’dsitatthekitchentabletalkinguntilhehadtogettowork.
Hehadjustcomebackoverforanothertwo-daystretch.Isatonthestepsofthegaragetalkingtohim.Iworeatie-dyedshirtI’dmadeatsummercamp,like,nineyearsagowithSloan.Ialsoworethematchingscrunchie.I’dbeendiggingdeeptomaintainmyhomeless-chicwardrobe.Itwasbecomingmoreandmorenecessary.
Ilikedhim.Ilikedhimalot
Hewasfun.Whenheleftforhistwo-dayshift,Imissedhim.Big-time.
Thiswasn’tgood.IneededTylertocomehome.
Joshwastellingmeaboutacallhewenton,andIzonedoutwatchinghimcarveanornatedesignintothesideofastep.Ilovedthatheworkedwithhishands.Itwasbeyondsexy.Iwonderedhowthosehandswouldfeelonmybareskin.Strongandrough.
Ithoughtaboutthatstupidpiggybackridesomuchyou’dthinkitwasforeplay.Thepressofthosebackmusclesandthewarmthofhisskinagainstmybreasts.Thewayhesmelled.Howeasilyhe’dliftedme.Ibethecoulddopush-upswithmesittingonhisback.ThenIimaginedhimdoingpush-upsovermewhileIlayonabedunderhim.
God.I’mgoingstraighttohell.
Istuckafingerinatinyholeatthewaistofmyshirtandmadeatear.
Tylercalled.Coincidence?Ordidhefeelthethreatfromhalfwayaroundtheworld?
“Igottatakethis,”Isaid.
Thephonecallwaslikeanemergencybroadcasttestbreakingintooneofmyfavoriteshows.I’dsitthroughitbecauseIhadto,waitingimpatientlyforittobeoversoIcouldgobacktowatchingwhatIwasbeforetheinterruption.
ItsuckedthatIfeltthatway.
IlikedtalkingtoTyler.Ijustdidn’tliketalkingtoTylerwhenitmeantittookawayfromtalkingtoJosh.Iknewthiswaswrong.Iknewitwasunhealthy.AndIalsocouldn’tstopmyselffromfeelingthisway.
IhittheAnswerCallbuttonandgotupandwentouttotheswelteringsunbakeddriveway,outofearshot.“Hey,babe.”
“Hi,Kris.Whatareyoudoing?”
“HangingoutwithJoshinthegarage.Whatareyoudoing?”
“Gettingreadytoseeyou.Eightdays.”Icouldhearthesmileinhisvoice.
Yes.Eightdays.ThenitwouldbetheTylerShowIwaswatching.
“Iknow.Ican’twait,”Isaid,forcingenthusiasm.Istudiedacrackinthedrivewayandrolledmyfootoveradandeliongrowingfromthecrevice,smooshingitontotheconcrete,bleedingyellowandgreen.
“Havethecopsgottenbacktoyou?Anyupdates?”
OncethedangerhadbeenneutralizedbyJosh’spresenceinmyguestroom,IcamecleantoTylerabouttheattemptedbreak-in.“No,Ihaven’theardanything.”
“AndJoshiskeepinghishandstohimself?”heasked.
IgazedintothegarageandJosh’seyesflickeredawayfrommelikehe’dbeenwatching.
IwonderedifJosheverthoughtofmethewayIthoughtofhim,orifmyattemptstoturnhimoffweresuccessful.Heseemedtoenjoymycompany,buthenevercrossedanylineswithme.Thatwasagoodthing.Becauseifheeverdid,I’dhavetomakehimleave.Permanently.
“Joshisverywellbehaved,”Isaid,tellingthetruth.“Imean,Iwouldn’thaveevenagreedtothisifhewasn’tBrandon’sbestfriend.Hewasprescreened.”Alltrue.
IleftoutthepartthatIhadamajorcrushonhimandwasenjoyingmytimewithhimmorethanIshould.
“Whatdoesthatguylooklikeanyway?”Tylerasked.
“Josh?Hotfireman.”Nopointinlyingtohim.He’dseeforhimselfsoonenough.AndTylerwasnevershockedbymybluntness.
“Nothotterthanme,Ihope.”Hewasgivingmethatcockygrinofhisrightthroughthephone.Theguyknewhewasgorgeous.Hedidn’tsoundparticularlyworried.
“It’skindofacrapshoot,actually.Thetwoofyouwouldreallyrakeitinatoneofthose‘savethechildren’fund-raiserswheretheguysgetauctionedoff.”
I’dgobrokeatthatfund-raiser.Forthekids,ofcourse.
Helaughed.“Well,tellhimIappreciatehimlookingoutforyouuntilIgethome.”
“Iwill.Sowhat’sgoingonoverthere?”IwantedtochangethesubjectawayfromJosh.
“Oh,I’vegotastoryforyou,actually.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.Tyler’sstoriesweregreat.“Montgomery?”
“Hansen,”hesaid.
Hehadtwobuddiesoverthere,MontgomeryandHansen,whoneverfailedtoproducegoodstories.
“Hansenjustgotbackfromleave.Youwon’tbelievewhatthisguydid.”
“Tellme,”Isaid.
HelaunchedintoananimatedstoryaboutHansen’sexploitsandIsmiled,rememberingwhyTylerandIwereabletomakeatwo-yearlong-distancerelationshipwork.Hewasgreatonthephone.IbreathedasighofreliefthatIfeltdrawninagainandwasn’timpatienttohangupandgetbacktoJosh.
“He’sgotthreesquadcarsandaBentleyparkedinfrontofhishouseatthreeinthemorning,”hesaid.
“FuckingHansen.”
“Iknow.Hehadpicturesofthewholething.”Icouldimaginehimshakinghishead,thosepiercinggreeneyeslaughing.“Theguykillsme.”Hechuckled.
Isighed.“Whatareyougonnadowhenyou’renothangingoutwiththeseguysanymore?”BothHansenandMontgomeryhadreenlisted.
Hewentquietforabeattoolong.“We’llstayintouch.I’mnotworriedaboutit.”Butsomethinginhistonehadflattened.“Hey,IwasthinkingwecouldtakeatriptoSpainwhenIgetback.I’dlovetoshowyouwhereIlivedwhenIwasakid.”
WetalkedforafewminutesaboutSpain.Thenthephonemuffled,likehewastalkingtosomeoneelse.“Kris,Ineedtogetgoing.I’llgiveyouacallinafewdays.”
“Tyler?”
“What’sup?”
IshotalookatJosh.“Ireallyneedyoutocomehome.Imissyou.”
“Imissyoutoo,Kris.Talktoyouinafewdays.”
WehungupandIstoodinthedrivewayforamoment,lookinginatJosh.
IdidmissTyler.Thethingwas,eventhoughImissedhim,Icouldn’treallyrememberhim.
Tylerdimmedformeduringtheseseparations.Itwaslikeadyingfire.Butitalwaysblazedbackupthesecondhewaswithmeagain.AndIknewatleastsomeofwhatIwasfeelingforJoshwasbecausewhatIfeltforTylerhadbecomefuzzyandhardtorecalloversomanymilesandsomuchtime.
Joshwaspresentandclear.Ofcoursehefeltmoredistractingtome.Right?TylerwasaseasonIhadn’tseenineightmonths,andJoshwasbrighterthanthesunatthemoment.That’sallitwas.Itwasn’tthatJoshwasanythingspecial.Howcouldhebe?
JoshandIhadadividebetweenussolargewemightaswellbeadifferentspecies.Hewantedanenormousfamily,andI…
IjustneededTylertocomehome.That’sit.Ineededhimtocomebackintomylifeandblotoutthesun.
Ineededaneclipse.
Joshlookedoveratmeandgavemehisstunning,dimpledsmile,andIfeltmydisloyalheartreachoutforhim.
Yes,Ineededaneclipse.
ButthenI’djustbeinthedark,wouldn’tI?ELEVEN
Josh
KristenandInevertouched.Notsincethepiggybackridealmosttwoweeksago.
Iwantedtotouchher.Hell,Ithoughtaboutitalmostconstantly.Butherboundarieswerewelllaid.Sheneversattooclose.Inevercaughtherlookingatme.Shenevergavemeeventhesmallestindicationshewasinterested.
Andwhywouldshe?ShehadTyler
TheseconddayI’dstayedthenight,he’dcalled,andIheardhertellhimtheentiresituationabouttheprowlerandmestayingintheguestroom.Shewashonestwithhim.Hedidn’tseemtogetupset.
Hetrustedher.
Hehadeveryrightto,atleastasfarasIwasconcerned.Iclearlywasn’tathreat.
HowhadIgottenmyselfintothis?Fallingforanunavailablewoman.Andthat’sexactlywhatI’ddoneinthelasttwoweeks.I’dfallen.
I’dfuckedup.Iwasgoingtopayforthiswhenherboyfriendcamebackanditallended.Ishouldhavebeenmorecareful,spentlesstimewithher,saidnosometimeswhenshewantedtohangout.Ishouldhavegoneondates,lookedatotheroptions.
ButIcouldn’tdoit.
EvenasIfeltmyselftumblingdownthisrabbithole,Icouldn’tstopmyself.Ididn’tevenfuckingwantto.
Todayshe’dtakenoffforahairappointmentat10:00inthemorningandhadn’tbeenhomeallday.WehadSloanandBrandon’sweddinginvitationthinglatertonight.
Itwasboringwithoutherhere.She’dleftStuntmanMike,wearinghisDOGFATHERshirt,andhe’dbecomemyworkbuddy.Hemostlyslept,butonceinawhilehe’djumpupbarkingatphantomsounds.Itkeptthingsinteresting.
At5:00,Kristenstillwasn’thomewhenIgotintheshowerintheguestbathroomtostartgettingreadyfortheparty.ButwhenIcameout,dressedandreadytogo,mybreathcaughtthesecondIroundedthecorner.Shesatatthekitchencounter,lookingatherphone.
Shewasafuckingknockout
She’dbeenprettybefore,evenunderherbaggyT-shirtsandsweatpants.Butnow?Dressedup?MyGod,shewassexyashell.
Sheworeablackfittedcocktaildressandredheels.Herhairwasdownandcurledandshehadhermakeupon.Bright-redlipstick.
Whensheglancedup,ItriedtoactlikeIhadn’tbeenfrozeninthedoorway.
“Oh,hey.Willyouzipmeup?”sheasked,slidingoffthestoolstilltexting.Shedidn’tevengivemeasecondlook.
Iclearedmythroat.“Uh,yeah.Sure.”
Sheturnedandgavemeherback,stilllookingatherscreen.Thezippertoherdresswasallthewaydownandthelacytopofalight-blueG-stringpeekedout.Herperfumereachedmynose,andIcouldalmosttastethetartapplesonmytongue.
Fuck.Thisistorture.
Ipulledthezipperup,myeyestrailingthelineofherspine.Nobra.Shewassmallontop.Perky.Shedidn’tneedone.IstoppedtomoveherhairandmyfingerstouchedherneckasIgatheredittooneside.Ihadthemostincredibleurgetoputmylipstothespotbehindherear,slipmyhandsintothesidesofherdress,aroundherwaist,peelingitoffher.
Shehasaboyfriend.She’snotinterested.
Ifinishedthejob,draggingthezippertothetop.She’dlookedatherphonethewholetime,totallyunaffected.
Kristenwasn’tshyorconservative.ThatmuchI’dseenoverthelastfewweeks.Sheprobablydidn’teventhinktwiceaboutanyofthis.ButIpracticallypanted.Iwasgettingahard-onjuststandingthere.Ihopedshedidn’tlookdown.
Sheturned.“Okay,IgotanUber.He’llbehereinfiveminutes.”Shelookedupatmefull-onforthefirsttimesinceI’dcomeintotheroom.“Youlooknice.”
Istaredather.“Thanks.Youtoo.”
MyheartpoundedsohardIthoughtshemightbeabletoseeitthroughmyshirt.Thetipsofmyfingersbuzzedwiththememoryoftouchingherskin.
StuntmanMikestruttedovertomeandploppedatmyfeet.Ireacheddownandscoopedhimup,happytohavesomethingtodistractme.“Hey,littleguy.”
Kristenbeamed,dazzlingbright-redlipsoverperfect,straightteeth.“God,hereallylikesyou.Ijustcan’tgetoverit.”
“Yeah,wehungoutalldaytoday.”Ikissedthetopofhishead.Ilikedhim,butthiswasforher.IlovedthewayhereyesalwayssparkledwhenIwasaffectionatewithherdog.Ipressedhimtomycheek,andshemelted.
Shesighed.“Hedoesn’tlikeanyone.HehatesTyler.”
Yeah.Igetthat.BecauseI’mstartingtohateTyleralittlemyself.TWELVE
Kristen
ThepartywasatLuigi’s,underthestars.WehadtheentireoutdoorpatioofSloanandBrandon’sfavoriteItalianrestaurantforournightofactivities.Firstwe’ddodinnerfollowedbyafewhoursofstuffingweddinginvitesintoenvelopesandputtingtogetherthefavors—ahundredandfiftysmalljasmine-scentedvotivecandles.Eachoneneededalabel,abox,tissuepaper,ahangtag,andaribbon.
Thecapresesalad,chickenmarsala,andpennepastawereservedbuffetstylebeneathawhitelatticedrippingwithgrapevinesandfairylights.FrankSinatracroonedoverthespeakers.
ThewholethingwassoSloan.ShewasdoingherPinterestobsessionproud.
Wewereallseatedatalongwoodenfarmtablewithfreshflowersandflickeringvotivecandleseveryfewfeet.SloanandBrandon’smomandhissister,Claudia,tooktheendofthetable.Sloan’scousinHannahgotstucknexttoShawn,wherehe’dprobablyhitonherthewholenight.JoshsatbyBrandon,andIendedupnexttoSloan,acrossfromthetwoofthem.
ItwasaperfectMarchnight.Theairwasfragrantandwarm.
AndthespotonmyneckwhereJosh’sfingerstouchedme—thatwasstillwarmtoo.
God,helookedincredibletonight.Ittookeverythinginmenottostareathim.ThesecondIsawhim,Ithinkanentireovarydetachedandfloateddownintomyuselessuterustowait.
Iwasdonelyingtomyself.OverthelastweekI’dcometotermswiththefactthatIwasmoreattractedtoJoshthanIwastoTyler.Byalandslide.Byatsunami.AndthatwassayingalotbecauseTylerandIdidn’texactlylackchemistry.
Anditwasn’tjustJosh’sbody.Itwashim.Therewasn’tanythingabouthimIdidn’tlike.Iwishedtherewere.
Hewaseasygoingandfunny.Mymoodsdidn’tscarehim.Hejustkindofshruggedthemoff.Hewasdownforanything.Wehatedallthesamestuff—artsyindiemovieswithendingsthatdidn’thaveanyclosure,pineappleonpizza,daylightsavingstime.SometimeshesaidsomethingrightasIwasgoingtosayit,likeourbrainsworkedonthesamewavelength.
EverydayIsearchedforsomefatalflawsoIcouldstophavingthesefeelings.SometimesIpurposelygrilledhimonthings,justtoseeifhisanswerswouldirritateme.
Itneverworked.
Ifeltgoodtoday.Iwasn’tcrampingorbleedingforonce.Mynineteen-dayperiodwasfinallygone,andI’dspenttheafternoongettingwaxedandpolishedatthesalon.IdiditbecauseIknewIwasgoingtothisthingwithJoshtonight.Iwassupposedtobedressedup,andforoncelookinghalf-decentwouldn’tbetraymyfeelingsforhim.IwantedhimtothinkIwasbeautiful,justonetime.
EvenifIwasjustteasinghim,justtoseeifIcould.
JoshandBrandonweredeepinconversationacrossthetable,goingonaboutduckhunting,andSloanleanedinandwhisperedoverhertiramisu.“Joshhasbeenlookingatyouallnight.”
Ipickedupmysangriaandtookasip.Asifheintendedtoproveherclaims,Joshglancedatmeandsmiled.
IfIwasawomanwhoblushed,Iwouldhave.
Ihadn’ttalkedtoTylerindays.He’dcalledyesterdayandIdidn’tanswerbecauseIwaswatchingCasinowithJoshanddidn’twanttostophangingoutwithhimtotalktothemanIshouldbetalkingto.
Itwasshameful.
ButIonlyhadtwomoredaysuntilTylercamehome.Thatwasit.AndthenJoshwouldvanishbackintothegarage.Animaginaryclockhadbeentickinginmymindfordays,andIwaspanickingagainthatTylerwasmovingin.OnlythistimeithadmoretodowithlosingJoshthanworryingTylerandIwouldn’tworkout.
InudgedSloan.“Bathroom.”Islidmychairoutandsetdownmywineglass.Sloangotupandfollowed,theredpetticoatswishingunderherpolka-dotdress.
Onceinthesafetyoftheladies’room,shecorneredmeinfrontofthesink,grinning.“Thatguyissointoyou.”
Herpausedaredmetodenyit.Maybehewasalittleintome.Itdidn’tmatterthough.
Unchallenged,shewenton,hereyestwinkling.“Andyouknowwhatelse?Brandonwon’ttalkaboutit.Youknowwhatthatmeans?ItmeansJoshissayingstufftohimthathedoesn’twanttotellme.”Shelookedpositivelythrilledatthisbitofinformation.
Icouldn’tlookherintheeye.Istaredatthecolorfulcollectionoftattoosonherarm.“Ilikehim,Sloan.Like,alot.Ihaven’tfeltthiswayinareallylongtime.”Maybeever.Iglancedbacktoher.
Shebrokeintooneofherdazzlingbeauty-queensmiles.“AreyougoingtobreakupwithTyler?”
Andthereitwas.
Ishookmyhead.“No.JoshandIarenevergoingtobeathing.”
Shewrinkledherbrow.“Whynot?Itwouldbeawesome.MeandBrandon,youandJosh.TheRamirezesandCopelandscouldbuyhousesnextdoortoeachother,raiseourkidstogether…”
Iscoffed.“Well,thatescalatedquickly.”
AsifIhadn’tthoughtabouthoweasyitwouldbe.Howperfect.ButitwasimpossiblebecauseIwasnodifferentthanhislastgirlfriend.
Ineededtotellher.Icouldn’tkeepthisfromheranymore.NotnowthatJoshplayedintoit.
Ishouldhavetoldherweeksago,butSloancouldn’tcompartmentalizelikeIcould.Itwouldupsether.Imean,itupsetmetoo,butIwasabletoacceptitasoneoftheshittythingsthathappensinlifethatyoucan’tchange,andgoonwithmyday.ButIcouldn’texplainwhyIcouldn’tbewithJoshwithoutcomingclean.AndIreallyneededtobeabletotalktoheraboutthis.
“Sloan,there’ssomethingIneedtotellyou.”
Herbeautifulexpressionfell.Sheknewmytone.Sheknewthiswasbad.
Ituckedmyhairbehindmyear.“YouknowI’vehadtogiveupalotbecauseofmyperiods.”
Sheknew.We’dbeenfriendssincethesixthgrade.Shewaswellawareofmythree-week-longmenstruationnightmares.Igotanulcerjunioryearfromtakingtoomuchibuprofenforthepain.I’dmissedprombecausemycrampsweresobadIcouldn’tevenstandup.She’ddrivenmetotheERmoretimesthanIcouldcount
“Ididn’twanttodropthisonyoubeforethewedding,andI’msorryifitmesseswithyou.”
Iralliedmyselftojustsayit,totellherwhatI’dbeendealingwithforthelastsixweeksonmyown.
“I’mhavingahysterectomy.”
Sloan’sfacebrokeinstantly.Herhandflewtohermouth.“What?”
I’dfinallygoneforthenuclearoption.Iwasdonehemorrhagingforweeksatatime,sufferingneedlessly,notlivingmylife.Enoughwasenough.
“Theydon’tnormallyrecommendoneforwomenmyage.It’selective.Butthefibroidsaresevereandaffectingmyqualityoflife.ThechanceI’lleverbeabletoactuallycarryababyisalmostnonexistent.”
“Howdiditgetsobad?”sheasked,almostinawhisper.
“Sloan,it’salwaysbeenthisbad.”
Shelookedawayfromme,hereyessearchingthefloor.“OhmyGod,Kristen.OhmyGod.Whydidn’tyoutellme?I…Iwouldhavegonewithyoutothedoctor.Iwouldhave…”Thenhermouthopenedandhereyescamebackup.“You’llneverhaveababy,”shebreathed.
Ishrugged.“I’dneverhaveoneanyway.”
Shelookedstricken.“Butthereisachanceyoucouldgetpregnantsomeday,right?Evenifit’sasmallone,there’sstillthechance.Ifyoudothis—”
“Sloan,myuterusisawasteland.Italwayshasbeen.It’sbeenonethingafteranothersincemyveryfirstperiod,andnowit’safibroid-riddledholocausttoo.Ihavethewombofafifty-year-oldandI’vetriedeverything—youknowIhave.Ispentthebetterpartofthelastsixmonthsbleedingmyselfintoanemiaagain.TheIUDIgotasalastresorthasn’tdoneathing.Istillhavebleedingandcrampsalmostallthetime.Thebirthcontrolpillsthatweresupposedtohelpmadethetumorsgetbigger.That’sit.I’moutofoptions.”
ThedefeatmovedacrossherfaceastherealityofwhatIwassayingsettledin.Thiswasn’tsomespontaneousthingI’ddecidedtodoonawhim,andsheknewit.I’dweighedmyoptions.I’dseenmultiplespecialists.I’dreadthe“grievingmyuterus”brochures.I’dtalkedwithotherwomenwhowerehavingthesameissuesandhadgonethroughit.
“I’mnotgoingtogetbetter,Sloan.”
Ilookeddownatmystomachandsmoothedmydressoverthesmall,firm,distendedmoundthatwasmyabdomen.Ilookedthreemonthspregnant.Thathadbeenthefinalstraw.Thethingthattippedthescales.Thetumorshadbeguntodistendmyuterus.
Googlesearcheshadshownmewomenwithmyconditionwithstomachssofullofgrowthstheylookedsixmonthspregnant.Thatwasitforme.Thefinalinsulttomyinjury.Icouldn’tletthiscontinueuntilitgotthatbad.I’dgivenupenoughdignityalready.
“Thedoctorsaidtheycouldgetsobigthey’dmakeithardtobreathe.Pushmyotherorgansaround.Look.Lookatmystomach,Sloan.”
Shestaredatthetrianglebetweenmyfingers.“When?”Herbrowneyesblinkedbacktears.
“April.IscheduleditfortheThursdayafteryourwedding.I’llstillhavemyovariessoIdon’tgointomenopause.IcandoasurrogatepregnancyifIcaneveraffordit.Sothere’sthat.”
Shesniffled.“I’dcarryababyforyou.”
“AndyouthinkBrandonwouldgoforthat?”
Shepulledapapertowelfromthedispenserandpresseditunderhereyes.“I’msurehe’dbeokaywithit.”
Idoubtedthat.Brandonwasagoodguy,butIdidn’tpicturehimbeingcoolwithhiswifecarryinganotherman’sbabyorloaningherbodytosomethingsoseriousforsolong.Itwasn’tentirelyherchoicetomake.
I’dalreadylookedintoit.Itwasnosmallthingingesture,cost,orpractice
Aprofessionalsurrogatewouldrunmearoundfifteentotwentythousanddollarsandtheinvitroanothertwelvegrand.ThesuccessrateforIVFwasonly40percent,andmyinsurancewouldn’tcoveradime.Sobasically,barringalotterywinandalotofluck,myrustbucketofawombwasgoingtoleavemebarrenandchildless.I’dprobablyendupbeingthatcrazyauntwhoworeveiledhatsandsmelledlikemothballswithtensmalldogs.
IsmiledatSloan,eventhoughIknewitdidn’treachmyeyes.“Well,let’scrossthatbridgewhenwecometoit.Tylerdoesn’tevenwantkids.ButIappreciatetheoffer.”
“Tylerdoesn’twantkids?”sheasked,furrowingherbrow.
Ishookmyhead.
Sheblinkedatme.“Areyouserious?Whyareyouwithhim,then?Youwantkids,Kristen.”
Ilookedawayfromher.
“Kristen!”
“Sloan,stop.”
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?Whyareyousettling?”
Thebathroomdooropened,andsomeladycamein.Shesmiledatus,andSloanandIstoodthereawkwardlywhileshewentintoastall.
“I’mnotsettling,Sloan,”Iwhispered.“Themanisaten.He’sdrivenandambitious.He’ssmart.Hemakesgoodmoney.Wehavethingsincommon.Andlet’sbehonesthere—Ihavetochooseamanthatdoesn’twantkids.That’sjusttherealityofmysituation.Joshwantskids.HebrokeupwithCelestebecauseshedidn’twantthem.Andinthebestpossiblecase,ifallthestarsalign,maybeImighthaveone.Onebaby,ifI’mrichandlucky.TylerandIarejustmorecompatible.”
Shestaredatme.“OhmyGod,you’redoingthething.Thespreadsheetthingthatyoualwaysdo.Youdon’tpickaboyfriendlikeyoupickwhatcartobuy,Kristen.”Shecrossedherarms.“Youdon’tloveTyler,doyou?”shehissedquietly.“You’renotevenremotelyinlovewiththatman.Iknewit.IknewitwhenIsawyouguystogetherthelasttimehecameout.”
“Idolovehim,”Iinsisted.
Wasitsomehead-over-heels,sappySloan-and-Brandonthing?No.WasitwhatIfeltbrewingforJosh?Definitelynot.Butitwaslove.Itfeltalittlefadedatthemoment,sure.Butthat’sbecausehe’dbeengonesolong.Itwouldcomebackintofocus.Italwaysdid.Iwasmostlysure.
Sheshookherhead.“Loveisnotachecklistofprosversuscons.It’safeeling.Whatareyoudoing,Kristen?”
WhatIwasdoingwasbeingsmart.Tylermadesenseforme.Hewasthepathofleastresistance.HewasexactlythekindofmanIneeded.
“AndwhatifIambeingalittlerationalaboutTyler?Morepeopleshouldberationalabouttheirrelationships.Iftheywere,wewouldn’thavesomanysinglemomswithdeadbeatbabydaddiesandcheatingspouseswhodestroytheirfamilies.Whatthehelliswrongwithbeingpracticalandlookingatthingslogically?”
“Breakupwithhim.”Shepressedhermouthintoaline.“Breakupwithhimbeforehemovesin.”
Thewomancameoutofthestall,washedherhands,andSloanandIstoodglaringateachotherinsilence.Theladytoreoffatowel,driedherhands,andleft.
“Why?”Iaskedoncethedoorwasclosed.“WhatisthepointinbreakingoffaperfectlygoodrelationshipwithadecentmanIcareaboutwhoselifestylefitsmyown?”
“Uh,happiness?SoyoucanmaybehaveashotwithJosh?Orsomeonelikehimwhowantskids?Howcanyouactlikethisisn’tsomethingyouwant?”
“Whocaresifit’ssomethingIwant?”Ithrewupmyhands.“It’scompletelyirrelevant.Ican’thaveit.”
Sheglaredatme.
“SoImoveonJosh.Andthenwhat?Wefallinlove?Why?Sohecanmaybedecidetosettle?Sohecandatemeforafewyearsuntilhefeelsresentfulenoughtoleaveme?Afterwastingafewgoodyearswhenhecouldbewithsomeonewhocangivehimafamily?Orworse,hestaysandalwayswonderswhatif?Givesuponwhathewants?That’sassuminghe’devenlookatmetwiceafterhefindsoutIdon’thaveafuckinguterus.”
Sheshookherhead.“Atleastgivehimthechancetomakethedecisionhimself.Whatifhe’sokaywithadopting?”
Iblewoutaslowbreath.“Hedidmakethedecision,withthelastone,whohelovedandwasalreadylivingwith.Andthatmandoesn’twanttoadopt—hewantshisownkids.Iasked.”
“Okay,wellmaybeyoucangetpregnant.You’venevertried.Youcan’tknowifyoudon’ttry,andyoucan’ttryifyoudon’thaveauterus,”shesnapped.
Icockedmyhead.“IneverusedprotectionwithTyler.Notonce.Notwithanyofmyseriousboyfriendsgoingbacktojunioryear.I’vebeenplayingbabyRussianrouletteforeightyears,andIdon’tseeanykidsrunningaround.”Ithrewmyarmsoutandlookedaroundthebathroom.“Andit’sworsethanit’severbeen.”
Thepuffofairsheletouttoldmesheknewshewaslosingtheargument.“Just…haveanhonestconversationwithJosh.Maybe—”
“No.”Forthefirsttimesincewe’dstartedtalkingaboutit,angerbubbledinsideofme.“DoyouthinkdiscussingmydeficienciesasawomanwithamanthatI’mhalfinlovewithissomethingIwanttoputmyselfthrough?”
Myvoicecrackedatmyadmission,andIneededamomenttoregainmycomposure.Ibitmylipstogetheruntilthetightnessinmythroatwentaway.
“WhywouldItellhim,Sloan?Tohumiliatemyself?Tohavehimlookatmewithpity?Orworse,togetrejected?There’snotgoingtobeanyrejection,becauseIwon’tbemakinganoffer.There’snopoint.I’dliketosparemyselfthisoneindignity,ifthat’sokaywithyou.”
Westoodinsilence—herlookingwoundedandmetryingtounderstandwhysomethingsorationalfeltsoshitty.
Iletoutalongbreath.“DoIhavefeelingsforJosh?Yeah.Ido,okay?He’sfuckingwonderfulandIfuckinghatethatIcan’tpursueit.ButIcan’t.IcanneverguaranteethatIcangivehimkids.Infact,IcanalmostguaranteethatIcan’t.IknowhowthisgoesandI’mnotgoingthere.”
Mypauseletthewordssettle.WhenIcontinuedspeaking,myvoicehadgonesowearyIdidn’tevenrecognizeitasmyown.“Thisisn’tamanwhowantsoneortwokids,Sloan.Hecamefromahugefamily.Youknowwhathetoldmetheotherday?”Bitternessroseinmychest.“Hesaidhewantsawholebaseballteamofkids.It’sallhewants.Andit’stheonethingIcan’tgivehim.Notreally.Notinanywaythat’sclosetowhathehasplannedforhimself.”
IbittheinsideofmycheekuntilithurtandIlookedawayfromher.“Hecouldn’tsitwithmeinthebathroomandwatchthelittlepinklineshowuponthestickorputhishandtomybellyandfeelhisbabykicking.Hewouldn’tbeabletocomewithmetoultrasoundsorholdmyhandwhileIpush.Thisisamanwhowantstobeadaddy,Sloan.AndI’mnevergoingtobeamommy.Itjustiswhatitis.”
Herbottomliptrembledandshelookedlikeshemightstartsobbing.
Sloanwasalwaystheemotionalone.ThiswaswhyIdidn’twanttotellheraboutit.Nowitwasgoingtocastashadowonwhatshouldhavebeenacarefreetimeforherbeforeherwedding.Ishouldhaveneversaidanything.Itwasselfishofme.
Isighed.“Sloan,you’rearomantic.Youhavesomevisioninyourheadofusbeingpregnanttogetherandthefourofusgoingonvacationsandpushingjoggingstrollersaroundtheblock.You’lljusthavetoadjust.”
Sheswipedathereyeswithherthumb.“Ihatethis.Ihatethatyouhavetogiveupsomuch.”
“I’mnot.Don’tthinkaboutwhatI’mgivingup.ThinkaboutwhatI’mgettingback.Thethoughtofneverhavingtohaveanotherperiodfortherestofmylifemakesmewanttofuckingcryfromhappiness.I’msoreadytobedone.”
Shelookedsomiserableyou’dthinkshewashavingthehysterectomy.IhateditandIlovedherforit.
Iputmyhandsonherarms.“YouknowwhatIreallyneed?Ijustneedyoutolistenandsupportme.That’sit.Tellmeyoucandothat.”
Please.Bemyfriend.Ineedyou.
Shenodded,closedthespacebetweenus,andhuggedme.Thefamiliarsmellofherhoneysuckleperfume—ofmybestfriend—groundedme,andIrealizedhowhardithadbeennotbeingabletotalktoheraboutit,ortellherhowJoshmademefeel.
“Sloan?”Isaidafteramoment,mychinoverhershoulder.
“Yeah?”
“ITP’dyourhousewithJosh.”
Shesniffled.“Iknow.”
Ilaughedalittleandsqueezedmyeyesshut.
“TheJoshthingwouldhavebeensocool,”shewhisperedintomyear.
Itwouldhavebeencool.ButmenlikeJoshweren’tformeanymore.They’dneverbeformeagain.Menwhowantedpregnantwivesandbigfamilies,sonsthatlookedliketheirdads—thesemenweren’ttheonesIcouldchoosefrom.IcouldhaveTylers.Icouldhavemoredogs.Abiggercareerwithoutkidstodistractme.Icouldhavemoredisposableincomeandacleanhousewithoutcrayononthewallsanddirtydiaperstochange.Icouldbethecoolaunt.
ButIcouldn’thavechildren.
AndIcouldnever,ever,haveJosh.THIRTEEN
Josh
SloanandBrandonhadsaidgoodbyetotheirguests.JustKristenandIstayedbehindfulfillingourmaid-of-honorandbest-mandutieshelpingthemloadthefinishedweddingfavorsandinvitationsintoBrandon’struck.Kristen,Sloan,andIstoodonthepatiowatchingthebusboysblowoutcandlesandclearthetablewhileBrandonsignedthechargedraft.
“Goodparty,”KristensaidtoSloan.“Wegotitalldone.”
Brandonhandedthechecktotheserverandcameupbehindhisfiancée,wrappinghisarmsaroundhershoulders.Sloansmiled,leaningintothekissheputonhercheek.
Kristengotoutherphone,andIwatchedherpulluptheUberapp.
“Wanttogogetsomethingtoeatbeforewegohome?”Iaskedher,hopingshe’dgoforit.
We’dbeenworkingonourprojectsforthelastthreehours,soithadbeenawhilesinceweatedinner,butmyinvitewasjustanexcusetostayoutwithherbecauseIwasn’tstayingthenighttonight.
Oranyother,probablyeveragain.
Thebackyardintruderhadbeenapprehended.Somekidfromtheneighborhood,fuckingaroundinpeople’syards.Ihadn’ttoldher.Ineededto,butIjustcouldn’tbringmyselftosayityet.Thesecondsheknewtheycaughttheguy,Iwouldn’thaveanyreasontosleepovertonight.IhadworkthenexttwodaysandwhenIcameback,itwouldallbeover.Tylerwouldbehome.
Thiswasmylastnightwithher.
ItriednottoletthedisappointmentdarkenmymoodandruinthelittletimeIhadleft.
“Sure.ButIcan’tfindanUber,”shesaid,lookingatherscreen.“Thenearestoneistwenty-threeminutesaway.Thebarsmustbegettingout.”
“Youcantakemycar,”Sloansaid,huggingBrandon’sarmstoherchest.“WetooktwocarsoversinceIhadtogethereearly.I’lljustridehomewithBrandon.”
Kristenshookherhead.“I’mnotdrivingthatthing.”
“Icanhandleit,”Isaid.“Icandriveanything.”
“Canyou?”Kristeneyedme.
“Haha.Givemethekeys.Ihaveworktomorrow.Ihaven’thadanythingtodrinkbesidesthechampagnetoast.”
Sloanhandedthemoverandwesaidourgood-nights.SomethingwasoffwithSloan.ShegaveKristenahugthatwasalittletoolongtobecasual,butKristen’sfacewasunreadable.
“Sowheredoyouwanttoeat?”IaskedaswewalkedoutintotheparkinglottotheclickofKristen’sredheels.
“Tacos.Iknowalate-nightplace.”
Thismademesmiletomyself.Shealwaysknewexactlywhereshewantedtoeat.Shewasn’toneofthosewomenwhogaveyouthe“Idon’tcare”speechandthenrejectedeverysuggestionyoumade.WhenIpointedthisouttoherlastweek,shesaidshe’salreadythinkingaboutwhatshewantsfordinnerwhileshe’seatingbreakfast.Ilovedthatabouther.
Ilovedalotofthingsabouther.
WhenIopenedherdoorforher,itcreakedmiserably.SloandroveanoldCorolla.Itlookedlikeacaryou’dfindinajunkyard.Itwasaseriouspieceofshit
Thedooronthedriver’ssidestuck,andIhadtomuscleitopen.Igotitstarted,butjustbarely,andIpulledoutofthelottothesquealofbelts.Kristenpointedformetoturnleft.
Ilookedather.Shewassobeautifultonight.Thesubtlehintsofgoldinherhair,thedepthofhereyes,thefitofherdress.Ihadtodragmygazebacktotheroad.“EverythingokaywithyouandSloan?Youguysspentalongtimeinthebathroomearlier.”
“Fine.”Shelookedoutthewindow.
Shewasn’tgoingtotellme.Idroppedit.
“Hey.Iforgottotellyousomething,”Isaidreluctantly.
Sheturnedbacktome,andIthoughtIsawtheflickerofsomethingsadortiredinhereyes.“Tellmewhat?”
“I’llbeoutofyourhairtonight.Today,whenyouwereout,yourneighboracrossthestreetbroughthissonover.Apparentlyheandhislittlefriendwerestealingbeersfromhisdad’sfridgeanddrinkingtheminyourbackyard.Theytriedtogetintoyourhousetostealliquor.Thegoodnewsisyou’vegotakidwhosedadismakinghimmowyourlawnforthenextmonth.”
Ilookedoverather,andtheexpressiononherfacelookedlikedisappointment.
Disappointment.
CouldshefeelthesamewayaboutthisthatIdid?Wasitpossibleshedidn’twantmetoleaveeither?
“Oh.Well,I’mgladthemysteryissolvedandyou’reoffthehook,”shesaid
“CanIbehonest?”Ipaused,debatingwhattosay.“Ilikedhangingoutwithyou.”ItwastheclosestthingthatIcouldbringmyselftosaytoherwithoutfeelinglikeIwascrossingaline.
“Ilikedhangingoutwithyoutoo,”shesaidquietly.
Thesilencebetweenuswasheavy.
WhydidIfeellikewewerebreakingup?Iguessinaway,wewere.Thetwoofusasweknewitwasabouttobeover.
OnMondaywhenIgottoherhouse,I’dhavetomeetthisguy.Shakehishand.Seethemtogether.Ididn’tthinkIcoulddoit.Ireallydidn’t.Iwasgoingtogivehermynotice.I’dhelpoutuntilshefoundsomeone,butIcouldn’tstickaroundafterthis.
Thetacoplaceendedupbeingafoodtruck.ItsatinavacantparkinglotintheseediestpartofLosAngeleswithpoorlightingandgrasspokingoutfromthecracksintheasphalt.
ItmademewishIhadmygun.
Tentsonthesidewalklinedtheoutsideofthelot’sfence,andthestreetlightovertheentranceflickered.
“Areyousureyouwanttoeathere?”Iasked,turningofftheengineandscanningoursurroundings,notlikingatallwhatIwasseeing.Buildingswithbrokenwindows,graffitionthewalls.Irespondedtocallstoareaslikethesefrequently.Noneofthemgood.Stabbings,overdoses—rapes
“Why?Youdon’thavetoparallelpark.What’stheproblem?”
Iscoffed.“Really?Parallelparkingistheonlythingthatwouldkeepyoufromeatinghere?Lookatthisplace.”
“Thesearethebesttacosinthecity,”shesaid,gettingunbuckled.“Anddon’tpretendyouknowhowtoparallelpark.Webothknowhowwellyoudrive.”Shegrinnedatme.
Anoldhomelessguywhohadbeensittingontheinsideofthefenceshambledtowardthecar.“Nope.Let’sgo.”Isaid,turningthekeyintheignition.ItmadeaweakcrankingnoisethatIdidn’thavetimetoprocessbecauseKristenopenedthedoorandgotout.
“Shit,”Imumbled,quicklyfollowing.Thedoordidn’tcloseallthewaywhenIslammedit,butIdidn’thavetimetofixit.Thehomelessguywasalmosttothecar,andKristenwas…walkingtowardhim?
“Hey,Marv,”shesaidasIboltedinfrontofhertoputmyselfbetweenthem.Ithrewanarmacrossherchestandahandouttostopthetoothlessman’sadvance.
“Hey,”Marvsaid,ignoringmeandtalkingaroundmetoKristenlikeIwasn’tthere.
Sherummagedinherpurseandhandedhimtwodollarbillsovermyarm.
“Enjoyyourfood.Yourdoor’sopen,son,”theguysaidbeforeshufflingbacktothefence.
Kristenturnedtome.“He’stheguywhowatchesthelot.Comeon.”Shemotionedtothetacotruck.
Myheartstillthrummedinmyears.“Areyouserious?Theguywho‘watchesthelot’?”Ifollowedher,lookingovermyshoulderbackattheman.
“Yeah,it’sathing.KindatheSkidRowversionofvalet.Hepicksuptrash,keepstheshadyguysout.Hedoesagoodjob.Look,noneedlesanywhere.Andthatguy’llshanksomebodyforsomuchaslookingatourcar.Notthatit’sanythingtolookat.”Shegavemeacrookedsmile.
Ishookmyhead.“Youhavenosurvivalinstincts,doyou?Youdeliverdogsweaterstoafelon,hunkerdownwhenyou’vegotaprowlerintheyard.Nowyou’repayingoffhomelessguyswho‘watchthelot.’”
“Hey,myinstinctsarespot-on.Theprowlerturnedouttobeanonissue.Andanyway,IalreadyknowhowI’mgoingtodie.”
Westoppedinfrontofthetruckwindow.Thegeneratormadeawhirringnoise,andthescrapeofspatulasonasizzlinggrillclinkedfrominside.
“How?”Iasked.
“Spiderbite.Orbeingsarcasticatthewrongtime.”
Ichuckledastwomorecarspulledintothelotinquicksuccession.AniceSUVandanoldermodelHonda.Therestofmyguarddropped.
“Doyoulikeeverything?”sheasked.“Onions?Hotstuff?”Thesmellofcookingmeatdriftedoutofthewindow,andagray-hairedmaninadirtywhiteapronwaitedforourorderasmothsflutteredaroundthelightoverthewhiteboardmenu.
“Ieateverything,”Isaid.
Sheorderedforus,andIpaid,puttingatwentythroughthewindowbeforeshehadachancetoobject.
“Thisisn’tadate,”sheremindedme,tryingtohandoverherowncash.Sheneverletmepay.
“Yeah,butyoupaidforourprotection,”Iargued.
Shedidn’tlookpleased,butsheacceptedmyexcuse.Iwatchedherstandingthere,andatwingeofregretthatthiswasn’tadatewashedoverme.
Icouldn’tbelieveIhadtogiveherup.
Whenourfoodcameout,shegavethreetacostoMarvandwesatonthehoodofthecartoeat.
“ThatwasprettysexybacktherewhenyouwentMarineCorpsonthatguy,”shesaidasshepulledoffherheelsandchuckedthemthroughtheopensunroof.
“Iwouldn’thavelethimtouchyou.”Iwouldn’tletanyonehurther,ever.
ShetookasipofherSprite.“Iknow.That’swhatwassexyaboutit.”
Forallherclaimsthatshefoundmesexy,itdidmenogoodwhatsoever.Shedidn’twantme.Noneofthiswouldcontinueonceherboyfriendwashere.Iwouldn’tbeabletotakeheroutfortacosorshowupwithpizza.Iwouldn’tevenbeabletositinherlivingroomwithher.
Iwonderedifthisthoughthadanyeffectonher,orwasshejusthappythatherboyfriendwasgoingtobehome?
Probablythatlastone.
Isatlookingoutoverthelot,asuckingsenseoflosspullingonmyheart.
Shewaslikeaunicorn.Amythicalcreature.Anhonest,no-dramawomanwhodidn’tbullshitanddrankbeerandcussedanddidn’tcareaboutwhatpeoplethoughtofher.Shewasaunicorn,tuckedinthebodyofanattractivewomanwithagreatass.
AndIcouldn’thaveher.SoIshouldjuststopthinkingaboutit.
Wefinishedeatingandgotbackinthecar.Ididn’twanttotakeherhome.OrratherIdid,butnottodropheroff.
Iconsideredaskinghertogodosomethingelse,justtomakeitlast,butitcouldn’tbeanythingthatfeltlikeadate.Shewouldn’tagreetothat.ButIdidn’tknowLosAngeles.Ihadnoideawhatwasopen.AndtherewasonlysofarIcouldtakethiswithoutitvergingoninappropriateforawomanwithaboyfriendandhealthyboundaries.SoIreluctantlypreparedtotakeherhome.
Thiswasit.ThelasttimeI’dhaveheralone.Thefinalmoments.
I’dhadallIwasgoingtoget.
Iturnedthekeyintheignitionandtheenginedidn’tturnover.MyeyesflittedtohersandItrieditagain.Thecrankingturnedintoaclick.
“Shit,”Isaid,rejoicinginternallyattheideaofbeingstrandedwithherinadodgyparkinglotinthemiddleofthenight.
“Doweneedajump?”sheasked,peeringatmewithherprettybrowneyes.
“Probably,”Igrumbled,doingmybestnottoseempleasedatthisdevelopment.IgotoutandflaggeddowntheguysintheHondastilleatingintheircar.OneunsuccessfuljumpstartlaterandIwascallingatowtruck.
“I’mgoingtogiveBrandonsomuchshitforthis.Sloanshouldnotbedrivingthisthing,”Isaid,gettingbackintothedriver’sseattowait.Thatpartwastrue,butforthesakeofextendingournight,Icouldn’tbehappierthatSloandroveapieceofcrap.Ihadtoslamthedoorthreetimestogetittoshut,andIwasmorethanhappytodoit.
“She’ssentimental.Thiswasherfirstcar.Sloancanneverbeartopartwithanything.”Sheloweredherseatallthewaybackuntilshewaslyingdown,andsheturnedonhersidetofaceme,herarmtuckedunderherhead.“Shestillhastheticketstubsfromthefirstmoviewewentto,like,twelveyearsago.”
Thewayshewaslyingshowedoffthecurveinherhips.Icouldalmostpictureherlikethatnexttomeinbed.Herlipstickwasgone,butthestainwasstillonherlips,makingthemlookpinkandsupple.Iwantedtoputathumbtohermouth,seeifitfeltassoftasitlooked.
Shelookedoutofplaceinthisshittycarwithtorn,fadedfabricontheseatunderher,ducttapeontheglovebox.Likeanelegantleadingladyrightoutofablack-and-whitemovie,droppedintoascenethatdidn’tmakeanysense.
Itoremygazeaway,afraidshe’dnoticemestaring.
“Liedownwithme,”shesaid.“Wehavewhat?Aforty-five-minutewait?Mightaswellbecomfortable.”
IloweredmyseatandstaredupthroughthesunroofattheLosAngelesversionofstars—theplaneslininguptolandatLAX.
Wesatinsilenceforaminute,andIthoughtofthatsceneinPulpFiction,when—
“Youknowwhatthisfeelslike?”sheasked.“ThatsceneinPulpFiction,when—”
“Comfortablesilences.WhenMiaWallacesays,‘That’swhenyouknowyou’vefoundsomebodyreallyspecial.Whenyoucanjustshutthefuckupforaminuteandcomfortablysharesilence.’”
Shemadeafingergunatme.“Disco.”
Wesmiledandheldeachother’sgazeforamoment.Along,lingeringmoment.Andthen,justforasecond—asplitsecond—hereyesdroppedtomylips.
That’sallittook.
Inthatmoment,Iknew.She’dthoughtaboutkissingmejustthen.
Thisisn’tone-sided.
ItwasthefirsthintI’dseenthatshewasinterested.Thatshethoughtofmeasmorethanjustafriend.
Encouraged,myheartlaunchedintorapidfireasIstarteddebatingmyoptions.
Theboyfriend.
Mythresholdforbeingrespectfultothislucky,absentbastardwasevaporating.Iwasgoingtomakeamoveonher.IfIdidn’t,I’dneverforgivemyselffornottrying.Iftherewaseventheslightestchanceshemightbeintome,Ihadtotry.
Buthow?ShouldIjusttrytokissher?Wouldshetellmetogotohell?
Probably.
WhatifIslidmyhandoverhers?Wouldsheyankitaway?Shewould.Iknewshewould.
Ineededsomethingelse.Somethingless.Moresubtle.Somethingthatcouldgoeitherwaytotestthewaters.Somethingthatcouldleadtosomethingelse.
“Hey,Igiveadecentfootmassageifyourfeethurt.”Inoddedtothecenterconsolewhereherheelsstillsatafterbeingdroppedthroughthesunroof.
Tomysurprise,shepivoteduntilherbackwasagainstthedoor,andsheswungherlegsoverintomylap.Sheputanarmbehindherheadandleanedback.“Goforit.Thoseheelswerekillingmetoday.”
IgrinnedinwardlythatmystrategyworkedandputmybacktothedoorwhileItookhertinyfootinmyhand.“I’mafootmassagemaster.‘Idon’tbeticklingornothing,’”Isaid,givingheraPulpFictionline.
Shesnorted.“I’mexfoliatedandpedicured.Someoneshouldtouchthem.”
IthoughtaboutwhatVincentVegasaysinthemovie,thatfootmassagesmeansomething.Thatmenactliketheydon’t,buttheydoandthat’swhythey’resocool.
Thismeantsomething,andIknewsheknewit.ShewasasfamiliarwiththatmovieasIwas.Shehadtobemakingtheconnection.
Andshe’dallowedit.
Ireveledinthechancetotouchherandattheunspokenmeaningbehindherlettingmedoit.
“So,FootMassageMaster,whatothertricksdoyouhaveinyourbag?”sheasked,givingmeasidewayssmile.
Ipressedathumbintoherarchandcircleditaroundwithasmirk.“I’mnotgivingyoumytradesecrets.”WhatifIneedthem?
Shescoffed.“Yourgenderdoesn’thaveanysecretsthateverywomanhasn’talreadyseenbythetimethey’retwenty.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Everheardofthenakedman?”
Sherolledhereyes.“OhGod,thenakedman.Thatone’stheworst.”
Ilaughed.“Why?Becauseitworks?”
Shescrunchedupherface.“Ihavetoadmitithasworkedonmeinthepast.Imean,theguy’snaked.Halftheworkisdoneforyoualready.It’skindofhardtosayno.Butwhenitdoesn’twork,it’ssocringey.”
Itippedmyheadfromsidetoside.“It’srisky.I’llgiveyouthat.Youhavetoknowyouraudience.Butbigriskscanreapbigrewards.”
“Waitingforyourgirlfriendtoleavetheroomandthenstrippingnakedtosurpriseherwhenshegetsbackissounoriginalthough.Youmenhavenonewmaterial.Iswearyoucouldgobacktwentythousandyearsandpeekintoacaveandfindcavemendrawingpenisesoneverythinganddoingthenakedmanandthehelicopter.”
Ipulledherfootcloserandlaughed.“Hey,don’tknockthehelicopter.It’sthefirstmovewelearn.Itcanbeagoodicebreaker.”
“Thehelicoptershouldbebannedovertheageofeight.I’mjustgoingtospareyoutheillusionrightnow.Nowomanissittingaroundwithhergirlfriendsgoing,‘Gurl,itwasthesexiesthelicopterI’veeverseen.Totallybroketheice.’”
Ichuckledandranmyhanduphersmoothcalf,rubbingthemuscle.IpicturedthatdelicateankleonmyshoulderwhereIcouldkissit,runmypalmdowntheoutsideofherthigh,pulldownthoselight-bluelacepanties…
Shesmiled.“Haveyoueverseenthebuttbackwhale?”
“No.”
“Nowthat’sararesighting.”
Itookherotherfootandstartedworkingonit.“Whatisit?”
“It’swhenyou’reinapooloralakeorsomethingandyou—Youknowwhat?”Shewavedmeoff.“It’sjustbetterifyouseeoneinperson.I’mnotgoingtoruinit.”
Ilaughed.“What?Youdanglebuttbackwhaleinfrontofmeandthenjusttakeitaway?”
Sheshookherhead.“It’stoomagical.IfItellyou,it’sjustgoingtotakethewonderfromitwhenyoufinallyseeone.”
Istartedtotickleher.“Tellme.”
Sheshriekedandtriedyankingherfootaway,andIheldhertighter.“Whatisthebuttbackwhale,Kristen?”
“Okay!Okay!I’lltalk!”ShetwistedandgiggledandIstoppedticklingher,butIkeptherfoot.
Herdresshadinchedupherthighsinthestruggle,andIgavethebareskinanappreciativeglance.Shesawmedoit.
Shesmirkedatmeandtuggedthefabricdown.“Allright,thebuttbackwhaleiswhenyoupullyourswimtrunksdownunderthewaterandthenyoucomeoutlikeawhalebreachingthesurface,flashingwhoeverisinthepoolwithyourbutt.”
Igrinned.“HowhaveIneverheardofthis?”
Sheshookherhead.“Noidea.Youmenarealwayslookingforwaystomooneachother.I’msureitwasaman’sidea.”
“I’mgoingtodoittoBrandonthenexttimeI’minapoolwithhim.”
Sheputherarmbackbehindherhead.“Oh,wellmakesureyougivemeaheads-up.It’sbeenyearssinceI’veseenabuttbackwhale.”Shegavemeawrygrin.
Ihopeditmeantshewantedtoseemybareass.
WhenIpressedboththumbsintotheballofherfoot,shebitherlip.“Damn,you’regoodatthat.”
YoushouldseewhatIcoulddowiththerestofyou.
Ikeptcirclingmythumbs.“Sowhataboutyou?Anytricksofthetrade?”
Shesnorted.“I’mawoman.Icangointoabarpennilesswearingsweatsandaquestionablerashandcomeoutwithleftoversandabuzz.”
Iwaslaughingatthiswhenhercellphonerang.Shereachedforherpurseandfishedoutherphone.“It’sTyler.”Shedidn’tanswerit.Sheturnedofftheringer.
“You’renotgoingtoanswerit?”Shedidn’tanswerthelasttimehecalledeither.
Shedidn’tmakeeyecontactwithmeassheputherphoneback.“Nah.”
Whenshefinallylookedatme,wegazedateachotherforamoment.
“Why?”Iasked.
Onelittlethree-letterword.Suchaloadedquestion.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutTyler.Iwantedtotalkaboutwhyshewasignoringhimwhenshewaswithme.
Thefirsttimehadbeennoteworthy.Butthiswasastatement.Evenifshewasbusy,shestillshouldhaveanswered,justtomakesureitwasn’tanemergency.Hewasinawarzone.
Shepulledherfeetfrommylap.“Ijustdidn’tthinkyou’dwanttosithereandlistentomeonthephone.”Sheshrugged.
Iwasn’tbuyingit.Icalledbullshit.“Andwhatabouttheotherday?That’stwocallsyoumissed.It’shardtocallondeployment.”
“Wewerewatchingamovie,”shesaiddefensively.
Aweakexcuse.Amoviewe’dbothseenhalfadozentimes.Weweren’tevenpayingattentiontoitwhenhe’dcalled.We’dbeentalking.
“Whyaren’tyouansweringhiscallswhenyou’rewithme?”Shewastoohonesttodeflectadirectquestion.
Imightbereaching.Imighthatetheanswer.Imightbetotallyoutofline,butIhadtoaskit.Ihadtoknowiftimewithmewasasimportanttoherasitwasforme.
Forme,eventhesecondsmattered.
Shestaredatme,herlipsslightlyparted.Icouldseeherstrugglewiththeanswer.
Tellme.
Thenshelookedovermyshoulder.
Thetowtruckhadpulledintothelot.FOURTEEN
Kristen
ThankGod.Savedbythetowtruck.
Joshgavemealonglookbeforeheputhisshoulderintothedoortogetoutandmeetthedriver.
Iknewthiswasn’tover.Hewasgoingtokeepasking.Icouldn’tdoit.Iwasn’tgoingtolie,butIwouldn’tanswer.Thetruthwouldn’tbefairtoanyone.WhatwasthepointintellingJoshIwashoardingeverymomentwithhim?Why?
Myfeetstilltingledwherehe’dtouchedthem.Itradiatedthroughmybodylikeelectricity,turningoneverythingasitwentup.Thememoryofhisstrong,roughpalmsmademybreathshudder.Itwastooeasytoimaginethosehandsslippingundermydress.
I’dwantedhimtotouchme,andhe’dofferedmeachancetolethimdoit.Icouldn’tsayno.I’dlethimbecauseitwasallI’deverget.
Iputmyheelsbackon,grabbedmypurse,andgotouttojoinJoshbythetruck.Hewatchedmeashetalkedtothetowtruckdriver,andIfelthiseyesonmeliketheywerehands.
Itwasgettingchilly.Pastmidnight.IstoodhuggingmyarmsasJoshsignedsomepaperworkonaclipboard.Heturnedbacktomeandclosedthespacebetweenusasthetowtruckguystartedhookingthecaruptothehoist.
“Cold?”JoshpeeledoffhisjacketbeforeIcouldanswerandthrewitaroundmyshouldersinahaloofhiscologne.Ihadtofighttokeepmyfaceneutral.Thejacketwaswarmfromhisbody,likeitwashimwrappedaroundme.
“Thanks,”Isaid.“I’msorrythishappened.Youhaveworktomorrowmorning.”
“I’llbeokay.”Herubbedmyarmsoverthejacket,tryingtowarmme.
Henevertouchedme,andnowhe’dtouchedmetwiceinamatterofminutes,likesomeunspokenboundaryhaddissolved.
Iwishedhewouldsliphisarmsaroundme.Helookedlikethekindofmanwhogavegreathugs.Bearhugs.Thekindthatenvelopedyou.
ForasecondIwantedtoaskhimifIcouldhughim.Ibethewouldn’tsayno.ButI’dalreadyplayedwithenoughfireforoneday,andthatwouldbecrossingaline.
Thefootrubhadbeencrossingaline.
ButGod,Iwantedthehug.Iwanteditsobadlythepulltowardhimfeltphysical,liketheoceandraggingagainstyourankleswhenthetidepullsback.
ButIhadtomaintainboundaries.Forsomanyreasons—Tylerbeingtheleastofthem.
Joshnoddedtothecar.“I’mhavingittowedtoashopbyyourhousesowecangetaridewithhimandthenjustwalktherestofthewayhome.”
Thetowtruckguyspokeoverthesoundofclinkingchains.“Youkidsaregonnahavetolapsit.Igotmydogwithme.”
MyeyesflickedtoJosh’s,andIshookmyheadquickly.“No.Ican’tsitonyourlap.”
ThewordswerecomingoutofmymouthbeforeIknewwhatIwassaying.ButIcouldn’t.Ireallycouldn’t.IfIsatonhislap,thetemptationwouldcatapultme.“I’lllookforanUber.”
Istartedpunchingintomyphone,openingtheUberapp.
“What?Areyouserious?”heasked.
“Yeah.Wedon’tfitinthere,sonochoice.”
Hemadeanimpatientnoise.“Look,I’vegottabeatworkinafewhours.I’mstillanhourfromgettinghomeifIleaverightnow.Canwejustdothis?”
Ishookmyhead,staringatmyphone.IgotanUber.Thenthedriverimmediatelycanceledthetrip.Fuck!Itwasthearea.Nobodywantedtocometothispartofdowntownthislate.Itwastoodangerous.“Thengo.I’llbefinehere.I’llcallacab.”
Josh’seyesboredintome.Icouldfeelthem,butIdidn’tdarelookup.
“Kristen,we’repracticallyinSkidRow.I’mnotleavingyouhere.Ifyoustay,Istay.Andifyoumakemestay,you’remakingmelosesleep.”
Ilookedupathim,myeyespleading.“Ican’tsitonyourlap,”Isaidagain.Ididn’tbotherwithanexcuse.Ididn’tliketolie.LethimthinkthiswasaboutTyler.
Herakedahandthroughhishair,shakinghishead.“Idon’tgetthis,Kristen.You’rewaytoopracticalforthis.Wehavearide.He’shere.Now.We’llbeatyourhouseinfifteenminutes.Idon’tcareifyousitonmydamnlap.”
“I’vegotaboyfriend.”Notanexcuse.Notalie.Completelyfactual.
“Well,I’mnotgoingtotellhimthisstoryifyou’renot.Let’sgo.”Hestartedforthedoorofthetowtruck,histonefinal.
Itwaswrong.ItwaswrongbecausehowmuchIwanteditmadeitwrong.Afifteen-minuteridesittingonJosh’slap—itwouldbeaneternity.AndIwouldloveeverysecondofitandhatemyselfforit.
Ilookedarounddesperately,likeacabmightsuddenlyappearfromtheshadows.Instead,thetacotrucktappeditshornasitdrovepastus,leavingthelot.EvenMarvhaddisappeared.Thevacantlotwithitsdimlightingandwalloftentsimmediatelylookedmenacing.Wedidn’tevenhaveacartositinandwaitwhileItriedtogetataxitocomegetus.
Hewasright.Wehadtotakethisride.
Iletoutabreath,steelingmyselfforwhatIhadtodo.
Joshgotinfirst,slidinginnexttoanoldwhite-facedgoldenretrieverwhotookupmostofthecab.
Iwashotsuddenly.Reallyhot.Itookoffhisjacketandfoldeditovermyarmandclimbedinafterhim.Hepulledmeontohisknees,stronghandsonmywaist,andIdrapedthejacketovermylap.
Joshleanedovertoclosethedoor,hischestpressingintomybody,andIheldmybreathatthecontact.
Fuck,Ican’tdothis.
Itwassensoryoverload.SomuchofhimatonceIfeltdizzy.IwantedtoleapoffhislapandintotheparkinglotwhereIwouldbesafefrommyself.Buthewasthesun.Hisgravitywastoostrong,andnowthatIwassoclose,Icouldn’tgetoutofhispull.
HeslammedthedoorandsatbackagainsttheseatwhileIperchedsidewaysonhisknees,mybackstiff,tryingtokeepmybreathingsteady.Hemadeanexasperatedsound,likeIwasbeingridiculous,andpulledmecloseruntilmyshoulderpressedintohischest.Hewrappedtheseatbeltaroundus,foldingintomeashedid,andbuckleditin.
Thecabsmelledlikedogandgasoline.
AndJosh.
Hisbreathtickledmycheek.“There.Isthatsobad?”heasked,hisvoicelow.
Itwasterrible.Sofuckingterrible.BecauseitwaswonderfulanditwassomuchmorethanIcouldhandle.Hewaswarmandfirm,andhesmelledincredible.Itmademewanttorestmyheadonhisshoulderandnuzzlehisneckwithmynose,andifIdid,andhetippedhisheaddown,I’dkisshimandtherewouldbenostoppingme.
Icouldn’tevenlookathim.WeweresoclosetogetherthatifIdid,Iwasafraidourlipsmighttouch.
Itriedtorelax.Ileanedbackintohim,actinglikenoneofthiswasabigdealwhileIsecretlyobsessedovereverypointofcontact—thebackofmythighsonhis,thehandthathehadsetonhiskneewherehisfingersabsentlygrazedmyleg,thearmhehadcasuallywrappedaroundmywaist.
Itfeltlikewesatthereforhoursbeforetheguygotinandstartedtheengine
Partofmerelishedeverysecond,sittingtheresoclosetoJosh.Theotherpartofmewastortured—teased.
Ifthingsweredifferent…ifmyuterusdidn’tmakeusanimpossibility,ifIdidn’thaveaboyfriend—I’dhavekissedhimrighttherewherehesat,infrontofTowTruckGuyandOldDog,andIwouldn’thavethoughttwiceaboutit.
Butthingsweren’tdifferent.Theywerewhattheywere.
ThetrucklumberedoutofthelotandJoshheldmeinplace,themusclesofhisstrongarmkeepingmesteady.
Theroadswereempty,theoccasionalcopcartheonlysignoflife.
Ituckedmyhairbehindmyearandlickedmylips,notknowingwheretolook.IglancedoveratJosh,expectinghiseyestobeforward,lookingoutthewindshield,butinsteadtheylookedatmymouth.
SoIlookedathis.
Ourgazesflickedbackupatthesamemoment,andoureyeslocked.
OhGod,Sloanwasright.Hewasintome.AndIwasintohim.
Andnowheknewit.
Thetruckswayedandthedriverfiddledwiththeradio,andJoshlookedatme,hisbrowneyeshooded.Icouldfeelhissoft,warmbreathonmyface,thesteadyinandoutofhischest,andmyresolvewavered.Icouldn’tholdmyground.HowcouldI?Icouldn’tevenpullmyeyesaway.
Hislipspartedandthearmencirclingmywaistwrappedaroundmeanotherfraction.Thefingersbymylegslidovermykneeuntilhiswarmpalmcuppedmybareskin.
Themovementsweresubtle.Sominortheyalmostseemedinsignificant.Thetowtruckdriverwouldn’tevenhavenoticeditifhe’dbeenlookingrightatus.ButtoJoshandme,theyweremilestones.Questionsandanswers.Risksandpermission.
WhenIdidn’tmakehimstop,hiseyesdroppedbacktomylips,hisexpressiondarkeninginawaythatmademelosemybreath.
Hewantstokissme.
Wouldhedoit?Righthereinthistowtruck?
Yes.Hewould.
BecauseifIwerehim,unattachedandwithoutreasonsnotto,Iwouldtoo.
Myalreadypoundingheartlaunchedintofluttering.Ifheleanedin,Iwasphysicallyincapableofturningaway.Iwouldlethimclosethespacebetweenusandpresshismouthtomine.Iwantedtoknowwhathetastedlike.Whathislipswouldfeelliketouchingme.Iwaslosingsenseoftimeandrealityaseverythingclosedinaroundusandbecamehim,smallerandsmaller,nothingbuthisface,thoseeyes,hisheadtilting,nosestouching,breathonmybottomlip—
You’renotacheater.
IjerkedbackbeforeIlostthepowertodoit,turningmyfacehardtothewindshield,gaspingforair.
Thespellwasbroken.
Hepulledhishandawayfrommyknee.Hisgriparoundmywaistloosened.Icouldfeelthedisappointmentinthesetofhisbody.
Iwonderedifhecouldfeelitinmine.
Finallythetowtruckpulledintotheparkinglotoftheautoshop.Iunbuckledusandscrambledoffhim,hoppingoutassoonasthewheelsstoppedturning,andstartedwalkingthethreeblockstowardmyhousewithoutwaitingforhim.
“Kristen,stop!”
Ikeptwalking.
Hehadtodealwiththetowtruckdriver,andIneededtoputspacebetweenusandthatride.IneededtoputTylerbetweenus,wherehebelonged.Tyler,whodidn’tcareifIcouldn’tgivehimkids.Tyler,whowouldn’tbeaffectedonewayoranotherifIhadmyuterusyanked.
Ipulledoutmycellphonetoplaythemessageheleftme,hopingthesoundofhisvoicewouldsmackmebackintoreality,groundmeagain,makemerealizethatno,Ididn’twantJosh—Iwantedmyboyfriend.
Butitwouldn’t.
Sloanwasright.Ihadsettled.BecauseanythinglessthanJoshwouldbesettling.
HowdidIgethere?HowhadIfallensofarintothisfuckedlifethatIdidn’tevenwant?Iwasafroginapotofboilingwater.
Idialedmyvoicemail,strugglingtocatchmybreath,emotionsuckingupalltheair.IcalledtohearTyler’smessagelikeitwasmyduty.LikeitwassomethingunpleasantIhadtogetthroughoutofsheerobligation.
“Hi,Kris…”
WouldTylerandIsharecomfortablesilences?Wouldheannoymewhenhewasheredayinanddayout?
Hewouldannoymebecausehecouldn’tbeJosh.BecausehewouldmakeJoshdisappear.AnditwouldchangethewayIfeltaboutTyler.Itwouldn’tevenbefairtohim,butIknewitwouldhappen.Iwouldresenthim.
Mythroatgottight.Iwasahorribleperson.Itwastraitoroustofeelthiswayaboutanotherman,butIcouldn’tstopthelandslide.Icouldn’trememberwhatTylersmelledlike.Couldn’trememberthewayhisarmsfeltaroundmybody.
EverythingwasJosh.
“…Iprobablywon’tbeabletocallyouagainforafewdaysandIreallyhopedwecouldtalktonight…”
Iforcedmyselftokeepthephonepressedtomyear,forcedmyselftoendurethedecisionsI’dmadeastheytumbledovermeandburiedmeinrubble.Everychoicewasanotherstoneonthepile.Thehysterectomy.Boulder.AskingTylertomovein.Boulder.SpendingsomuchtimewithJosh,lettingmyselffallinlovewithhim.Boulders,heavierandheavier.
“…I’vebeentryingtoreachyouandhaven’tbeenabletogetyouonthephone…”
IwrappedmyarmacrossmystomachandwalkedasquicklyasIcouldinheels.IknewJoshwasbehindmesomewhereandIneededmoredistance.
Iranupmyfrontstepsanddugmykeyfrommypurse,gotthedooropen,andpushedinsideholdingthephonetomyearwithmyshoulder.Iwasgoingtolockmyselfinmyroomandnotsaygoodnighttohim.Icouldn’tbeface-to-facewithhimagain.Notalone.
“…Youmeansomuchtome,Kris,andIloveyou…”
AsmuchasIrecognizedthatTylerwasn’twhatIreallywanted,Iknew,withoutashadowofadoubt,thathewastheonlysafetynetIhadbetweenmeandJosh.Thathehadtostayinplace,orI’dplummet.Therewasnoquestioninmymind.IftherewasnoTyler,IwouldcrashintoJoshsohardmyheartwouldn’tsurvivetheimpact.
IjustneededTylertogethome.Now.Ineededhimtoprotectmefrommyselfandremindmewhyweweretogether.Todistractmeandmakemefallbackinlovewithhimand—
“…Ireenlisted.”
IstoppedsofastmyheelwobbledandIalmostrolledanankle.
What???
Myfingersfumbled,andIdroppedmycellwithasmackonthehardwoodfloor.Iscrambledtopickitup,andIheldthephoneinfrontofmewithshakinghandsandplayedthemessageagainonspeaker.
ThenIlistenedathirdtimejusttobesureIheardwhathesaid.
Hereenlisted.
Hebrokeupwithme.
Itwasoverbetweenus.
Nomorenet…
Ibecameaninstantdangertomyownheart.Itossedthephoneontothesofa,tookoffmyheels,andboltedtothedoor.
Joshwasalreadycomingupmystepsatajog.Assoonashesawmeinthedoorway,hestartedinonme.“Youcan’tgowalkingaroundaloneinthemiddleofthenight,Kristen.It’snotsa—”
Icollidedwithhim,throwingmyarmsaroundhisneck,andcrushedmylipstohis.
Hedidn’tevenpause.Notforasecond.Hekissedmeback.
Hismouthwasurgentanddidn’taskquestions,likeheknewthismomentwasagiftandhedidn’twanttoriskhavingtoreturnit.ButIneededhimtoknow.Ibrokeaway,gaspingforair,myforeheadtohis.“TylerandIbrokeup.Heleftmeamessage.Hereenlisted.Itoldhimifhedidthat,wewerethrough.Andhereenlisted.”
Ididn’tcare.Inthatintoxicatedmoment,IdidnotgiveonefuckthatTylerandIwereover.
Hestudiedmyfaceforasplitsecondbeforeheansweredbykissingmeagain.
Hewaslikeslippingintowarmsheets.Itwaseverythingsafeandperfect.Allthetiny,stolen,fragmentedpiecesofhimthatI’dcollectedoverthelastfewweeks,hissmell,thefeelofhisbreathingagainstmybodyinthetowtruck,thecontoursofhisshirtlesschestinthegarage,theroughnessofhishandonmybareknee,thestudyofhismouthwhenhewasn’tlooking—allcametogetherintoafamiliarandexhilaratingrushashepressedagainstmeandkissedme.
Handsplungeddownmybacktocradlemyassandhegroundintome.
Onlysex.That’sallitcanbe.
“Doyouhaveacondom?”Ibreathed.
Heshookhishead,trailinghislipsdown,ravagingthesideofmyneck.
Itippedmyheadbackandclosedmyeyes.“Ihaven’tbeenwithanyoneinoversixmonthsandIhaveanIUD.”
Hekissedmeroughlyundermyjaw.
“HaveyoubeenwithanyonesinceCeleste?”
“No.”HiseyescamebackuptomineandIcouldseethedesire,likesmolderingembersinhisirises.“AndI’mgoodwithoutoneifyouare.”
Thismanwantedme.Wewantedeachother.Iwasinthatrarewindowoftimewhenthebleedinghadstopped.Thatonce-a-monthrespitefrommyperiodhell.
AndI’minlovewithhim.
Iwasgoingtosellmysoultohavehim.Iwouldflytooclosetothesun.
ButIwoulddoitwithconditions.
“Okay,nocondom.Idon’tlikethemanyway.ButJosh,thisisjustsex.Nothingelse,”Iwhispered.“Youhavetoagreeoritstopsnow.”
Myeyesdrownedinhis.Mybreastspressedintohischest,hisbreathrolledovermylips,hishandspulledmeintohim,andIwassmallandprotected,nestledintohisfirmbody.ItwasbetterthanthehugI’denvisioned.Itwasparalyzing.
Sayyes.
Hedidn’tanswer.Hesmiledagainstmylips,wrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist,andcarriedmestraighttothebedroom,devouringmymouthashestaggeredthroughthedoor.
Mydresspusheduparoundmyhipsandhishandsheldmynakedthighsagainsthim.Thestraininginhispants,pressedintomypanties,drovemealmostmad.Ifeltlikeacrazedanimal.Iwantedtoriphisclothesoffhimwithmyteeth.
HesetmyfeetdowninthemiddleoftheroomandItuggedathisshirt,desperatetorunmyhandsalonghisbarechest.Hekickedoutofhisshoesandpeeledoffhisshirt,andhiswarmmasculinescentensconcedmeasIgrappledwithhisbeltbuckle.Themetallicclinkwaslikeamatingcallthatmadeusbothfrantic.
Ifumbledwiththezipperandhetookover,hisfingersquickerthanmine,pullinghispantsdown.HesprungfreeandIgasped.“OhmyGod…”
Themanwasabull.
ItwasthemostbeautifulpenisI’deverseen.Istaredatit,holdingmybreath,wonderingifitwouldevenfit.
IfthiswasaCopelandfamilytrait,nowonderhismomhadsevenkids.I’dneverputthisaway.I’dmakethisdamnthingmyscreensaver.
Mywideeyescamebackuptohis,andhebouncedhiseyebrowsandgrinned.Thenheturnedmeandgatheredmyhairtothesideofmyneckandkissedalongmyshoulder,pressingthelengthofthatenormousthingagainstmyassasheunzippedmydress,lettingitfallaroundmyankles.Ipantedlikeadoginheat.
“Don’ttouchmystomach,”Ibreathed.“Ihavethisthinganditmakesitbloatedand…”
Henoddedagainstmyneckandhishandscamearoundtocupmybreasts,grindingintomeagainfrombehind.
Igroundback.
Hemoaned,slippingahanddownthefrontofmypanties.“Tellmewhatyoulike,”hewhisperedagainstmyear,movingagainstme.
OhmyfuckingGod…
Whatdidn’tIlike?IthadbeensolongandIwassodeprivedIwasafraidhewasgoingtofinishmerightthere.Mybodybegantotrembleatthebuild.Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.HeseemedtosenseitbecausehepulledhisfingersbackrightbeforeIdisintegratedinhishand,andhelaidmedownonthebed,slidingoverme.Hehoveredonhisforearmsandranathick,muscularthighupbetweenmylegsuntilithitmycoreandIsuckedinairagainsthislips.
OhmyGod,hewassogoodatthis…
Andhefuckingknewit.
Hesmiledandkissedme,histonguedartinginmymouth,hisroughhandscanvassingmyskinlikehewantedtofeeleveryinchofme.
Ididthesame.
Itfeltsogoodtotouchhim.Myeyeshadspentsomuchtimelearninghisbody,andmyhandswantedtomaphim.Iranfingersalonghischest,overthecurveofhisbroadfreckledshoulders,downthemusclesofhisback,alongthevalleyofhisspine.IbreathedinhisscentasIgrabbedhisfirmassandpulledhimintomeandhegroaned,rubbinghardagainstmyleg.
Icouldn’tbelievethiswasreal,thatIgottotouchhim,thathewaskissingme,thattherewasnothingbetweenusbutmythinG-string.Hisbareskinpressingintominewasthemostexquisitefeelingofmylife,amillionnerveendingsconnectingwithhis,littleelectricalshocksthatmergedintoonehugesurge.
Hesatupandkneeledbetweenmylegs,pickingupmyfootandputtingitonhisshoulder.
Theviewwasfuckingspectacular
ThedefinitionofhischestcontinueddownwithalineofhairintoaVmusclethatpointedathisdivinepenislikeanarrow.Ireachedoutandtookhiminmyhandandhisbreathingwentragged.Mygazecamebackuptohishoodedeyes.HekissedmyankleandIwatchedhimdoit,bitingmylip,strokinghim,myneedunravelingintosomethingsostarvedIwantedtobeghimtohavemercyonmeandjustfuckmealready.
Ithoughtofthewayhe’dtouchedmeinthecar,hisstronghandsmassagingmycalf,andIcouldn’thelpbutfeellikehewascontinuingsomethinghestartedearlier.Heranhispalmsfrommyankle,behindmyknee,upmythigh,andhehookedmypantiesinhisthumbsandpulledthemdownandoff.Thenheballedtheminhishand,shuthiseyes,andputthemtohisnose,breathingin.
Whenhiseyesopenedagain,they’dgoneprimal.
Hecameatmelikeawildanimal.
Heloweredontome,hisjawclenchedtight,everymuscleofhisbodytense,andIliftedmyhips.Heheldmygazeasheeasedhimselfin,slowanddeliberate,andIwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist,feralwithneed,franticallyurginghimdeeper.
One…
Two…
Iwasn’tgoingtolastaminuteanditwasalloverload,hisnakedbodypressedtomine,thefeelofhiminsideme,rhythmicallythrustingagainstmycore,deeperanddeeper,hisquiveringbreathovermycollarbone,hishipsgrindingbetweenmylegs,hisscent,hissounds,theheatofhisskin,therockingofthebed,themoaninginmythroat—mybackarchedandIfellapartatthesametimehedid,clutchingateverything,pullinghimintome,pulsingwithhisrelease.
HecollapsedontopofmeandIwasdecimated.
Ilaytherelikearagdoll,twitchingwithaftershocks.
Hegaspedforbreath,hisfacebymyear.“Holy…fucking…shit,”hepanted.
Ijustnodded.Icouldn’tevenspeak.I’dneverhadsexthatgood.Neverinmylife—andI’dhadmyshareofgoodsex.Itwaslikewe’dbeenforeplayingforweeksandI’dbeensexuallymalnourished,starving,waitingforhimtofeedme.
Helookedupatmeafterafewmoments,thestorminhiseyesquieted,andhekissedmeslowandlanguidlywhilehecaughthisbreath,puttingsoftpecksalongmyjaw,brushingthehairoffmyforeheadwithhisfingers.
Ilovedit.
Itwassosweetandtender.AndIcouldn’tallowit.“Canyougetmeatowel?”Iasked,puttingastoptoit.
Hekissedmyforehead.“Sure.”HegotupandIwatchedhimwalkacrosstheroom,hisperfectnakedbodysilhouettedbythelightcomingfrommybathroom.Hecamebackinasecondlaterandsmiledatmeashehandedmeatowel.
Myheartyearnedforhim.Iwantedtocuddlewithhim.Iwantedhimtostay.“Okay,timetogo.”
Hegotunderthecovers.“Nope.”Hescootedinandthrewanarmoverme.
“Whatdoyoumean‘nope’?We’redonehere.Thankyou,andgohomenow.”
Thiswastheprice.ThepaymentforwhatIstole.Icouldn’thaveitall.Itriedliftinghisarmoffme.Itweighed,like,amillionpounds.God,hewasmuscly.
Herolledmeontomyside,pulledmybackintohischest,andsnuggledme.“Nope.I’mstayingthenight.Youtooktimeoffmysleepschedule.I’mnotdrivingahalfanhourtomyapartmentjusttolosemoresleepbeforeaforty-eight-hourshift.”
“Well,you’resleepingintheguestroom,then,”Isaid,pullingathishand.
Hewentintoavisegripovermyribcage.“Nope.Yourfutonsucks.”
Itwasn’tthatIdidn’twanthimthere.Idid.I’dneverwantedanyonetostaythenightmoreinmylife.Andthat’sexactlywhyheneededtoleave.
Thishadtobesexandonlysex.Thiswasn’tarelationship.Itcouldn’tbe.Ever.Icouldneverlethimmistakeitforone.Ihadtobecrystalclearaboutthat.IwasadeadendworsethanCeleste,andifheeverdevelopedfeelingsorthingsevergotfuzzy,I’dhavetoendit.
Heneededtogo.
“Josh,we’renotcuddling.Thisisasexthing.”Itriedtowriggleawayfromhimandhelaughed,nuzzlingmyneck.
“Knockitoff.We’retwogrown-assadults.Wecanshareabedforanight.AndI’mnotcuddlingyou—I’musingyouasabodypillow.”
Igavehimside-eyethathecouldn’tsee.“Well,I’mnotmakingyoubreakfastinthemorning.”
“ThankGod.”
Ismirked.“Fine.Stay.Butdon’tgocatchingfeelings.Imeanit.Wearenotathing.Gotit?”
“Usingmeforsex.Gotit.”Hepulledmecloserandkissedmyshoulder.
“Stop!”
“Goodnight.”Icouldtellhewassmiling.
Igaveupmystrugglesandtriedtorelax.Theriseandfallofhischestmovedrhythmicallyagainstmyback,andwitheveryexhale,Isankdeeperintohim,likeIbelongedthere.
LikeIwasloved.
Isqueezedmyeyesshut,tryingtopushthefeelingsdown.
Thiswasabadidea.Ididn’tknowifIcouldcompartmentalizethislikeIthoughtIcould.Especiallyifhewasgoingtobepullingthisshit.
Andwhywashepullingthisshit?Didn’tguysprefernoncommittalsex-onlysituations?Didn’thesayhewasn’treadytodate?Iwasmakingthiseasyforhim.
Mytiredminddriftedoffintosleep,andwhileIwassomewhereinthefog,buriedinhisstrongarms,heputhisnosetomyhairandbreathedin.FIFTEEN
Josh
Westoodinherkitcheneatingcereal,lookingateachother.Sheatehersoutofameasuringcupbecauseshe“likesthehandle.”Itmademesmile.
“Don’tsmileatme.”Shegavemeawarningglare.She’dbeenfeistyfromthemomentshewokeup.Itwasadorable.
Herhairtumbledwildaroundherface,stillcurledalittlefromtheparty,andsheworenothingbutanoversizesweatshirtthatbaredoneshoulderandthelight-bluelaceG-stringI’dgottentotakeoffherlastnight.Shewasbeautiful.Sofuckingsexy.
“Ican’tevensmilenow?”Igrinnedather.Myheartwassodamnhappy.
WakingupwithherwaslikeChristmaswhenyouseeyougoteverythingyouwanted.Iwokeupwithagrinonmyface,andthenshe’dgottenupandjumpedmeagain.
Ithadbeenagoodmorning.
“Ineedtomakesureyou’reclearontheruleshere,”shesaidoverhercereal.“Thisisabooty-callsituation.That’sit.Friendswithbenefits.”
Yeah,she’dsaidthatlastnight—afewtimesactually.I’dbeensofocusedonthesexpartofthatstatementIhadn’treallyprocessedtherestofit.I’dbeenalittledistractedatthetime.Nowthatwewereclothed,andmybrainwasworkingproperly,Iwasreadytoaddressthis.
“WhatifIdon’twanttobejustfriendswithbenefits?”Ismiledather.
“Thenwe’llonlybefriends.”Herfacewasstony.
Wow.Okay.
Wasshereallybentonthisbooty-callthing?I’dhalfthoughtshewasjustgivingmeshitlastnightwiththewhole“thanksforthesex,getoutnow”bullshit.Shelikedtogivemeahardtime—itwasherthing.Ididn’tthinkshewasentirelyserious.
Idecidedtopokeher.
“Ohyeah?Sowecanseeotherpeople,then?”Itookabiteofmycerealwithasmirk.
Somethingflashedinhereyes.“Ofcourse.Bonewhoeveryouwant.”Sheshrugged,lookingawayfromme.
Istudiedthesideofherface.Herforeheadwrinkledthewayitdidwhenshewasfrustrated.Itbotheredher—Icouldseeit.Soifitbotheredher,whywassheinsistingonit?
“Well,weshouldprobablystartusingcondoms,then,”Isaidcasually,callingherbluff.
“Fine.Weprobablyshouldhaveusedthemanyway.”Sheputhercerealinthesink.
ThiswasnottheanswerIhadhopedfor.Shedidn’tlikecondoms,soI’dbeenexpectingsomethingsnarkyalongthelinesof,“Well,I’mnottheonewhowantstoseeotherpeople.”
NowI’djusttalkedmyselfintousingacondom.Fuck.
Isetmycerealdownonthecounter.“Well,you’reonbirthcontrol.Andofcourse,ifweagreedtobeexclusive,wecouldkeep—”
“Nope.Condomsarefine.”
Shewalkedoutofthekitchen,andIwatchedhergowithawrinkledbrow.ButIdidn’thavetimetogetfurtherintoitwithher.Ihadtobeatworkintwentyminutes.I’dsleptalloftwohourslastnight.Iwasexhaustedandworkwasgoingtosuckbecauseofit.
Ithadbeenworthit.
Iwashedmybowlandwentlookingforher.ShesatonthecouchwithStuntmanMike,herlaptoponherlap.
“Igottagotowork,”Isaid.I’dtalktoheraboutthislater.
Iputmyhandonthebackofthecouchandleaneddowntokissher,andshejerkedherheadback.“No.Wedon’tkissunlesswe’refucking.”
Thecommentgavemeasmall,unexpectedjabintheheart.“Why?”
“Becausethisisasexthing,Joshua.Itwillonlyeverbeasexthing.We’renotdating.Therearenotgoingtobeanypublicdisplaysofaffectionorhand-holdingoranyofit.Ifyoucan’tdealwiththat,thenlet’sstopthisrightnow.”
Istaredather,andshelookedbackatherscreen,emotionless.
“Okay.”Istraightenedup.“Well,I’llseeyouinafewdays.Forsex.”
“Bye,”shesaid,talkingtohercomputer.
Igaveheronemorelingeringlook.Sheneverraisedhereyes.
Awall.Anenormouswallhadsuddenlycomeupbetweenus.Whatthehell?
Ididn’tunderstandit.Couldsheactuallybeseriousaboutthis?Shedidn’twanttodateme?Atall?Ever?Why?
Thiswasn’tsomegirlIwantedtocallat2:00inthemorningtobangandleave.Ilikedher.Imorethanlikedher—Iwantedtobewithher.I’dbeenhopingthiswasthestartofsomethingbetweenus.Ifshe’dwantedtobeexclusive,Iwouldhaveslappedontheboyfriendtitleinasecond.
CouldthisbeaboutTyler?Imean,IguessIjustthoughtbyhowquicklyshe’dthrownherselfatmethatshewasn’ttooupsetoverthebreakup.
Wehadn’ttalkedaboutit—Icertainlywasn’tgoingtobringupTylerifshewasn’t,andshehadn’tbroachedthesubject.Shedidn’treallyfilter,soifhe’dbeenonhermindorthebreakupwasfuckingwithher,she’dsayit,right?
Buttheonlythingshewassayingwasthatshedidn’twantme
Itateatmethewholewaytowork.
OnceIgottothestation,Shawnputmethroughatwo-hourlistofshittyprobiechores.BythetimeIhadachancetotalktoBrandon,hewasworkingout.
Thegymwasalargegray-carpetedroomofftheapparatusbay.Onetreadmill,abike,andanellipticalthatnobodyeverusedsatinarowfacingamirroredwall.Threeweightbenches,apunchingbag,andarackofweightslinedtheotherwallwithaviewofthefireenginethroughalargewindow.
IgrabbedacupofwaterfromthewatercoolerbythedoorandtookaweightbenchnexttowhereBrandonsatdoingcurls.“Hey.Sloan’scarbrokedownonuslastnight.StrandedusinafuckingparkinglotinSkidRow.”Ileanedforwardwithmyelbowsonmyknees,holdingmywatercupbetweenmylegs.“AndIhookedupwithKristen.”
Brandonfinishedhisset.“Well,Ican’tsayeitherthingreallysurprisesme.”Hepivotedtofacemeandgrinned,bouncinghiseyebrows.
Itookanotherswallowofmywater.“Shebrokeupwithherboyfriendlastnight.”
“Good.”Hestarteddoingcurlsonhisotherarm.“Sloan’llbehappy.”
“Well,I’mgladsomeone’sgettingwhattheywantoutofit.Shedoesn’twanttodateme.Sexonly.”
“Okay.What’stheproblem?”Hesethisweightdownwithathump.“Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttodate.Didn’tyoublowoffthatyogainstructor?”
“Thisisdifferent.IlikeKristen.Alot.Andwegetalong.Wegetalongfuckinggreat.AndtheweirdthingisIknowshelikesmetoo—Icantell.Somethingdoesn’tfeelright.”Ifinishedmywaterandcrushedthecup,tossingitintothetrashcanbythetowels.
“Hmm.Howwasthesex?”heasked.
Iscoffed.“Fuck,itwasthebestsexI’veeverhad.Notevenkidding.”
She’dpouncedmelikeahungrytigerthatescapeditscage.Thewayshesmelled,thewayshetasted—eventhinkingaboutitmademydicktwitch.
Shawncamethroughthedoorandtossedagymtowelontotheweightrack.“Whatup,fellas?”
BrandonandInoddedathim.
“Justaskherwhatherdealis,”Brandonsaid.“It’sprobablybecauseshejustbrokeupwithwhat’s-his-face.Kristen’sprettyblunt.Idon’timaginehernottellingyouexactlywhatshe’sthinkingifyouasked.”
ShawnsatontheotherbenchnexttoBrandon.“YoutalkingaboutKristen?Sloan’sfriend?She’ssinglenow?She’shotasfuck.I’dhitit.”Helaydownandscootedundertheweightbar.
Igrabbedhistowelandthrewitathim.“Hey,asshole,she’staken.”
Shawnlaughed,draggingthetoweloffhisface.“Notbyyou.”
“Yes,byme.”Sortof.
Hepausedwithhishandsonhisbarbellandlookedoveratme.“Damn!You’recrushingthat?She’sgoneslumming,bro!”
Igavehimthefinger.
Brandonchuckled.“DoyouwantmetoaskSloan?”
“No.”KristenandSloanwouldseethatshitamileaway.“Don’task.Don’ttellherwhatIsaid,yeah?”
Hepickedhisweightupandstarteddoingcurlsagain.“Justseehowitgoes.Giveitafewweeks.”
Shawngrinned.“Can’tnailthatshitdown,huh?”
Iignoredhimandstooduptograbweightsformybarbell.Iwasn’tgettingintothiswithhim.RelationshipadvicefromShawnwasthelastthingIfuckingneeded.He’dhadhiscareggedbygirlssomanytimeswe’dhadtostartlockingthegatetothefirestationparkinglot.
Shawngruntedthroughhissetandputthebarbackontherackwithaclang.“Sheprobablywantstogetbackwiththeex.”
“Hereenlisted.It’swhytheybrokeup,”Isaid,wantingtoputthattheorytobed.“He’snotcomingback.”
Brandonspokeup.“Herideatobreakuporhis?”
“Hers.Ormaybehis.I’mnotsure.”Hereenlistedknowingshe’dleavehimifhedid.
Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.Evenifshe’dbrokenupwithhim,herhandhadbeenforced.Soinaway,he’ddonetheleaving.
Shit,maybethatchangedthings.
Shawnsattherecatchinghisbreath.“He’sgonnamissthosecarepackagesandtittypicsandcomebegging.Trustme,dude.Andinthemeantimeshe’sgonnarevengefuckherwaythroughhercontactslist.”Hereacheddownandgrabbedhiswaterbottle,takingadrink.“Lookslikeshejustgottothej’s.”
JealousysurgedatthethoughtofTylertryingtogetherback.NowIwishedIhadbroughthimupearliersoIknewhowshefeltaboutitall.
Brandonchuckledandswitchedarms.“Sheprobablyjustneedstime,bud.”
Shawnsnickered,scootingbackunderhisbar.“Sheprobablyjustneedsthed,andnotjustyours.”
“Fuckyou,”Isaid,tighteningmyweightonthebar.
Brandonlaughed.“Comeon,it’sbeenwhat?Twelvehourssincetheybrokeup?Youcan’texpecthertojustdiverightintoanotherrelationship,nomatterhowamazingyoumightbe.”
Brandonhadapoint.ButmaybeShawndidtoo.She’dbeentieddownfortwoyears.Maybeshewashappytobesingleandwantedtoseewhatelsewasoutthere.
Ididn’tlikethat.Atall.Ididn’tlikeanythingShawnwaspointingout.
Suddenlymyforty-eight-hourshiftfelttoolong.
Theredlightsflashedthroughthegym.Wehadacall.Allthreeofuswereupinaninstant.
Thevoiceofthedispatchercameovertheloudspeaker.“Persondown.Enginetenrespondtosickpersonatfourthirty-sevenPalmDrivewithmedicunitsixhundredseventy-four.”
WestreamedoutofthegymintotheapparatusbayandclimbedintotheengineasJaviercameoutofthecrewquarters.
“Ialmostgottoeatasandwich,”Javiersaid,gettingintothefrontseatwiththelaptop.
Iclimbedintothedriver’sseat.ShawnsatbehindmenexttoBrandonandputonhisheadset.“Hey,Javier,Josh’sfuckingKristen.”
Javierpausedmid–seatbeltandlookedatme.“Really?Isn’tsheengaged?”
Iturnedontheignitionandtheenginerumbledtolife.“No.Shebrokeupwithhimlastnight.Shedoesn’twanttodatemethough.AndI’mnotfuckingher.Ilikeher,asshole,”Isaidovermyshoulder.
Shawnsnorted.“Naw,she’sfuckingyou.Hey,man,forrealthough—ifyou’readickinajar,youbetternotrocktheboat.”
Iputonmyheadset.“What?”Ihitthebuttontoopenthebaydoorsandturnedonthelights.
“You’readickinajar.ChrisRock?‘Breakincaseofemergencies.’Shehadanemergency,dude,”Shawnsaid.“Ifyoustartgettingallstage-fiveclinger,she’sgonnareplaceyourassandgetanewjar.”
Brandonlaughed.“Ithinkwhathe’ssayingistogiveherspace.”
Javieropenedupthelaptop.“NormallyI’ddisagreewithanyandeverythingShawnsays,butasanoldmarriedguywithtwogrowndaughters,Ihavetoagreewithhim.It’stoosoon.Letthingshappennaturally.”
Javierlookedatthelaptopandgotthespecificsforthecall.Vague.Sickperson,possiblyunconscious.
Morebullshit.
Atoothache.Drunks.So,somanydrunks.Hell,thiscallwasprobablyadrunk.“Sickperson”wastheuniversalcodefor“noidea,butprobablysomeoneshit-faced.”
Iclosedthebaydoorbehindusandfiredupthesirens.
Shawndidn’tdropit.“Hey,maybeshe’llgetabrownjarnext.Igotajarshemightlike.”
“Ohyeah?”Isaid,turningontoVictory.“Theymakejarsthatsmall?”
TheguyslaughedandJaviertalkedtohisscreen.“Imettheloveofmylifeatnineteen.Nevergottoplaythefield.KindofwishIdid.Besingle.Datearoundinthemeantime.”
“I’vedatedaround,”Imumbled.
NobodywaslikeKristen.Witty,beautiful.Smart.Shemademelaugh.Ilovedtalkingtoher,lovedseeingwhatshethoughtaboutthings.Overtheselastfewweeks,she’dbecomemyotherbestfriend.Anddatingaroundwasn’tanoption—itwasawasteoftime.
Wepulleduptoatiredapartmentcomplex.Whenwegotinside,Iwasright.Morebullshit.Aladypretendingtobeunconsciousafterafightwithherhusband.Shewantedhimtothinkhe’dgivenheraheartattack.Anicelittleguilttrip.
Thesetheatricsseemedtobearelativelycommonafflictionhere.I’dgoneonfivecallslikethissinceI’dgottentoCalifornia.Someonepretendingtohaveamedicalemergencytogetattention.Awasteoftimeandresources.
Wedidn’tgetcallslikethisinsmall-townSouthDakota.Wegotafractionofthecallstheydidhere,butwhenwedidgetthem,theywerelegitimate.Peopledidn’tcall911unlesstheyneededtofuckingcall.Theydidn’tuseusaspropsfortheirdramas.Small-townpeoplehadpride.
Icouldn’twaittotellKristenaboutthisshit.Shelovedhearingaboutmycalls.ItwasthefirstthingwecaughtuponwhenIwouldcomebackoverafterashift.She’dhavesomethinghilarioustosayforsure.LastweekI’dsingle-handedlywrangledthreedrunksintothebackofanambulance,andshe’dcalledmetheIdiotWhisperer.
Onthewaybacktotheenginewiththecrew,IspokelowtoBrandon.“Howdoyoustaysofuckingpatientwiththesepeople?”
Brandonshrugged.“It’sjustthejob.Youdoyourbesttoeducatethemwhenyoucan.”
“Doesitwork?”
“No,”Shawnsaidwithalaugh,andJavierchuckledbehindhim.
Ishookmyhead.“Youknow,IconsideredtheForestServicebeforethemove.I’mstartingtothinkIshouldhavelookedmoreintothat.”
Shawnsnickered.“What?Youwannabeafuckinggardener?”
“TheForestServiceisn’tthatbad,”Brandonsaid,loadinghisgearbackintotheengine.
“Nothavingtodealwithpeople?”Isaid.“Beingoutside,innature?What’snottolike?”
Shawnclimbedintotheengine.“You’rejustfuckingclearingbrush.SmokeytheBearshit.”
“Andthat’sworsethanthis?”Iasked.“Wejustrevivedawomanwhowasn’tunconscious.AtleastI’dbeactuallyaccomplishingsomething.”
Iclimbedbackintomyseatandputonmyheadset.Javierhadsnaggedsomeonefromthecomplexaboutthetrashinfrontofthefirehydrant,soweallsatandwaited.
Fuck.WhatwasIdoingwithmylife?DidIreallywanttodothisshitforthenexttwentyyears?Ididn’tknowifIhadthepatience.Sure,Igottogoonsomecoolcallssometimes.Ideliveredababylastweek,andIputoutacarfire.Butmostofitwascraplikethis.Andtheprobationmadeitworse.
IcouldhaveappliedfortheForestService.MaybetriedNorthernCalifornia.LivednearwinecountryandtheredwoodswhereIcouldhavehuntedandownedsomeland.
ButthentherewasKristen.
IfI’dmovedsomewhereelseandcomehereforBrandon’sweddingandmetKristenthen,IwouldhavewishedIlivedherebythetimethenightwasdone.IknewIwould.Shewasspecial.Shewasn’tjustsomegirl.IthinkI’dknownthatthedayImether.
Ipulledoutmycellphoneandscrolledtohername,lookingattheblinkingline,waitingformetotypeatext.Andtellherwhat?Shewouldn’tevenletmekisshergoodbyethismorning.Whywouldshewanttohearfromme?
Mywholelifewasonebigprobationaryperiodatthemoment.Iwasinlimbo,waitingtoseeifthingsgotbetter.
Therewasonlyonewaytogetthroughit.Putmyheaddown.Doagoodjob.AnddowhatI’dbeentold.
I’djusthavetobidemytime.SIXTEEN
Kristen
Josh’sforty-eight-hourshiftgavemewithdrawals.Ifeltlikesomesortofaddictionhadstarted,andnowIcravedhim.Ineededtoseehimlikeafix.Iactuallygotinthecartodrivepastthefirestationlikeastalker,andIhadtotalkmyselfdown.
Idebatedtextinghimbutdecidedagainstitbecausewhy?Sowecouldbecloser?Gettoknoweachotherbetter?Ifanything,Ishouldhavebeenfiguringoutwaystoseehimless.Lookingforanothercarpenter,maybeevenbreakingoffthisbooty-callthingaltogetherbeforeIwasinsodeepI’dnevergetout.
Ugh.WhathaveIdone?
ItextedSloantoseeifwecouldhavelunch,butherstepmomwasthrowingherasmallbridalshoweratherdad’shouseinSanDiego,andshewasgoingtobegonebothdaysofJosh’sshift.Ididn’twanttodropthewhole“IbangedJosh”thingonheroverthephone.SoIsatthroughmytwodayswithouthim,alone,watchingtheclockandmissinghimasIscouredmyhousefromtoptobottom.
WhenhisshiftatthefirestationwasdoneandhefinallyheadedbackovertoworkontheordersIhadforhim,Iwaitedforthesoundofthegaragedooropeninglikeadogwaitingforhismastertocomehome.
I’ddonemyhairandmakeupanddressedinnormalclothesforonce.Nothingtoocute—leggingsandanoff-the-shouldershirt.Ididn’twanttosendthewrongmessage.ThemessagethatbroadcastedhowIreallyfelt.
OnceIknewhewashere,Iscamperedbacktothelivingroomsofaandputmylaptopontomylapsohewouldn’tknowI’dbeenwaitinglikesomekindoffangirl
Itwassolame.
“Hey,”hesaid,comingintothedoorwaywithasmile.StuntmanbouncedathisfeetwearinghisI’MLITTLEANDIHATEEVERYONEshirt.Joshcrouchedandpettedhim.“Ibroughtyouabreakfastburrito.”
OhGod.
Howhadhemanagedtogetmoreattractiveinthepastforty-eighthours?HelookedsocuteinhisjeansandgrayT-shirtwiththatmessyhairandthefuckingdimplesIloved,andthemanhadadamnburritoformeontopofeverything.
NottomentionnowIcouldpicturehimnaked.
Myheartthuddedjustlookingathim.Iwantedtoruntohimandjumponhim,wrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandkisshim.
“Hey,”Imumbled,lookingbacktomyscreen.
Hesetthefooddownonthecoffeetable,hiscologneandthesmellofsausageteasingme.
“Thanks,”Isaid,pretendingtowriteanemail.
HewaitedforalongmomentasItappedatmykeys.“Well,IguessI’llgettowork…”
Ididn’tbreatheuntilIheardthelaundryroomdoorclose.
Thenhespentthedayinthegarage.Ididn’thangoutwithhimlikeIusuallydid.HeaskedmeifIwantedtogetlunch.OfcourseIsaidno.
AndofcourseItotallywantedto.
Hedidn’ttrytotouchmeorkissme.Hewastryingtofollowmyrules.
Ihatedmyfuckingrules.
At4:00,hecamebackinsideandsatnexttomeonthesofa.
“I’monmyperiod,so…”
Hesnorted.“Goodtoknow.Thanksfortheinfo.”HeopenedaCokewithapith.“Sowhat’rewewatching?”
Istifledasmile.“I’mjustreturningemails.Iwasn’treallypayingattention.”Iclosedmylaptopandslidahandacrosshisthigh.“Youknow,wecandootherstuff…”
Iwasusedtogettingcreativewithmysexlife.Three-week-longperiodsdidn’tgivememuchchoice,andIdidn’tseewhymypartnerhadtoabstaininthemeantime.AndIreallywantedtotouchhim.Evenifitwasjustsex.Ijustwantedtobeclosetohim.
ButwhenIreachedforhisbeltbuckle,hestoppedme.“No.Ifyou’renothavingfun,neitheramI.”
“WhosaysIwon’tbehavingfun?”Ismirked,tryingtogetmyhandfree.
Hehelditfirm.“Kristen,no.That’snotwhyI’mhere.”
Ilookedathim.“Thenwhyareyouhere?”
Hegazedatmewiththosedeep-browneyes.“Tohangoutwithyou.Yousaidwe’refriendswithbenefits,right?Thisisthefriendspart.Iwanttospendtimewithyou.”
Myhearttugged.
Hehastogo.
“Well,Ihaveplanstonight.SoIcan’thangoutwithyou,”Isaid,sittingbackintothesofa.
Thecornersofhislipswentdownafractionofaninch.“Okay.Whenareyouleaving?Wanttogetsomedinner?Orwatchsomethingbeforeyougo?”
Igotup.“I’mleavingnow,actually.”
Thelightdrainedfromhiseyes,andIinstantlywantedtothrowmyarmsaroundhimandtakeitallback,askhimtostayandsnugglewithmeonthesofaandeatChinesefoodoutoftakeoutboxesandbemyboyfriend.
ButIcouldn’t
This.Couldnot.Be.A.Relationship.
Hepushedupfromthesofa.“Allright.I’llseeyoutomorrow,then.”Hedidn’tlookatmebeforeheleft.
Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands.WhatthefuckwasIdoing?Ihadtocuthimloose.Thiswastorture.
Thiswasridiculous
Ijustwantedtobenormalwithhim.Iwantedtotreathimthewayhemademefeel.Givehimallmyattentionandkisshimandhughim.
TellhimI’minlovewithhim.
Butthatwouldbemeluringhimintoadead-endattachmentthatwouldbeawasteofeveryone’stime.Orworse,himrejectingmeonceheknewthetruthaboutmyhealthissues.Andneitherofthosewasacceptable.
WithJosh,Icouldhaveasex-onlyarrangementwithstrictboundaries…orIcouldhavenothing.
IgrabbedStuntman,gotinthecar,andwenttoSloanandBrandon’shouse.Sheopenedthedoorwearingherpaintingshirt,herhairpiledonherheadinamessyblondbun.“Oh,hey.”
Shewentbacktoherstoolinfrontofhereaselinthelivingroom.Shewasanartist.Thispaintingwasofalittlegirlinapoppyfield.
“Where’sBrandon?”Iasked.
ShepointedtheremotetotheTVandmutedhercrimeshow.“He’sinthegarage.”
“IsleptwithJosh.”
Shewhirledonme,eyesflyingwide.“What?!?”
“Yeah.”Idroppedontothesofa,clutchingmydog.“TylerandIbrokeup.IsleptwithJosh.Itwasfuckingincredible.Hispenisisglorious.I’mdickwhippedandinlovewithhim,andIdon’tknowwhattodo.IthinkIfuckedup.”
Shelookedabsolutelyhorrified.Thecolordrainedrightfromherface.Shedidn’tknowwhattodowith“dickwhipped,”Ithink.She’dneverhadaone-nightstandorevensleptwithsomeonewhowasn’therboyfriend.
Igaveheraminute.Iknewshe’dcatchup.
Oncesherallied,shesatdownnexttome.“Andyouthinkyoufuckedup—why?”
Iputmyfaceintomyhands.“Ilikehimsomuch.Somuch,Sloan.Andhe’sallsweetandwantstohangoutwithme.Heaskedmeifwecouldbeexclusive.Itoldhimno,thatit’spurelyasexthingforme,whichit’stotallynot.Butwhatelsecanitbe?”
Ilookedather,andIcouldfeelthedesperationpracticallyseepingfrommypores.“Imean,ifheactuallylikesme,Ihavetoshutthisthingdown.Wecan’tbetogether.Hewon’tbewithsomeonewhocan’tgivehimkids.I’dratherdiethantellhimI’mabouttohavemyuterustakenout.AndI’mnotinthebusinessofleadingmenon,right?SoIshouldendit,shouldn’tI?Right?”
ShestaredatmelikeI’dgonemad.“God,I’veneverseenyoulikethis,”shebreathed.
MaybeIhadgonealittlecrazy.ThiswasnotmynormalMO.Guysdidn’tgetmeworkedup.Ever.Sloanwasinvirginterritorywithmeonthis.
“Youknowwhathedidtheotherday?”Iwenton.“IwenttoFedExtodropoffsomeboxes.AndwhenIcameback,hewasinthekitchenwithStuntman.IguessheknockedoverasodaandStuntmanwalkedthroughit,soheneededabath.SoJoshwashedhim,andIcomeintothekitchenandhe’sstandingthere,noshirt,withStuntmanwrappedinatowel,andhe’scuddlingmywetdog.IsweartofuckingGod,Sloan,I’veneverseenanythingsexierinmyentirelife.Themanisliterallyperfect.HowisitpossiblethatI’vemanagedtofindtheperfectmanandIcan’thavehim?”
Sherubbedmyback,lookingatalossforwhattodo.
Iputmyforeheadintomyhand.“Ihatemyuterussomuch.Sexmakesmebleed.I’vebeenspottingfortwodays.Andasifthatwasn’tbadenough,Ihadtotellhimtoignoremyswollenstomach.Itwasfuckinghumiliating.”
Shelookedsympathetic.“Well,whatdidhesay?”
Iscoffed.“Nothing.Hedidn’tgiveashit.Thedudewasabouttogetlaid.Heprobablywouldn’tevenhavenoticedit,butIfeltlikeIhadtoexplainitanywayincasehedid,andfoundhimselfwonderingifhewasboningapregnantchick.”
Thebeginningsoftearstickledthebackofmythroat.Igotupandwenttothebathroomforatissue.Iblewmynoseandflusheditdownthetoilet,andthetoilethandlecameoffinmyhand.Icameoutandhelditup.Sloanrolledhereyesandgotoffthesofa.
Herhousewasafixer-upper.Brandonwasdoingtherepairs.Hedidagoodjob,buttheplacebrokeasfastashecouldfixit.
Shetookthehandlefromme,andwestoodthereinthehallway,flankedbyframedphotosonthewalls,havingasilentexchange.Wecouldpracticallyreadeachother’sminds.Shehatedthiswashappeningtome.Shewishedshecouldtakeitaway,makeitbetter.Butshecouldn’t,andshedidn’tknowhowtoevenstart
“Sowhatareyougoingtodoabouthim?”sheasked.
“Idon’tknow,”Iwhispered.“Youknowwhat’ssomessedup?”Myeyesstartedtosting.“Hefits.Like,thefirsttimeImetyouandwejustclicked,youknow?That’sJosh.Heclicks.AndIwasokaywiththisuntilhim.Iwasatpeacewithmydecision.Andnow…”
Theunfamiliarlumpthataccompaniedtearsswelledinmythroat.ThattightnessthatIsorarelyexperiencedbecauseIwasseldommovedtocry.
“Theuniverseislaughingatme,Sloan.AssoonasIthinkthiscan’tgetworse,it’slike,‘Holdmybeer.’Ateveryturnthekidthingkeepscomingup,justincaseIforgethowmuchitmatterstohim.TheseconstantlittleremindersthatIdon’thavewhatheneeds.”
MymindwenttoJoshholdingStuntmaninthetowel.ThenIthoughtofhimholdingababythereinstead.Butitwouldn’teverbemine.Thatwouldn’tbemyhusbandgivingourbabyabathinthekitchensink.He’donlygetthatmomentwithsomeoneelse.
Thatdidit.Thesobbingburstoutofme.Sloanhadmeinherarmsinaninstant
Iwasn’tanemotionalperson.Inthecourseofourfriendship,Sloanhadonlyseenmecryonceafteracramp-inducedtriptotheER,andthatwasmorefrompainandfrustrationthandespondency.Thiswasaviolentshiftinourdynamic,themomentwhenDadbreaksdownandwide-eyedMomhastocomforthim.Sloan’smaternalinstinctskickedintocrisismode,andsheclutchedmetoher,shushingmeandwhisperinginmyear,thewaymyownmomwouldneverdo.
I’dbornethedecisionforthishysterectomywithstoicpracticality.ButIcouldn’tdothatwithJosh.Ijustcouldn’t.Therewasabsolutelynothingpracticalaboutthewaythatmanmademefeel.Iletmyselfjustfuckingcry.Anditmademefeeloutofcontrolandhopeless.
Someoneknockedonthewall.WeturnedtothesoundtoseeBrandonpokinghisheadaroundthedoorintothehallway.
“Oh.Uh,sorrytointerrupt.Joshishere.Isitcoolifhestaysfordinner?”
JoshcameupbehindBrandon,holdingStuntman.Mydogwaslickinghischeek.“Hey,Sloan.Kristen.”Hissmilefellthesecondhesawmyface.
Iswipedatmytears,fledtothebathroom,andclosedthedoor.SEVENTEEN
Josh
Thecryingcaughtmebysurprise.ItneveroccurredtomeshemightbethatupsetaboutbreakingupwithTyler.Ijustthought—
Stupid.
Ofcourseshewasupset.Idon’tevenknowwhyI’dbeenconfusedaboutthis.She’ddatedhimfortwofuckingyears.Hewassupposedtomoveinwithher,forGod’ssake,andhe’dreenlistedwithouttalkingtoherandbrokeupwithherinadamnvoicemail.
Shit,nowondershedidn’twantanythingseriouswithme.ShewasprobablysomessedupoverTylershecouldn’teventhinkstraight.Iwasprobablyjustsomereboundthingforher.
Shawnwasright.Iwasadickinajar.
Ifeltlikeanasshole,askinghertobeexclusive.I’dthoughtwe’dhadsomething,foramoment.Thatmaybeshewasintometoo.ButnowIfeltlikeI’dimaginedthewholething.Misinterpretedeverysignal.Ishouldhavelistenedtowhatshewassayinginsteadoftryingtograspatthingsthatdidn’texist.ShetoldmebeforeanyofthishappenedthatIneededtobeabletohandleasex-onlysituation,andthiswasclearlywhy.
AndthenIshoweduphere,thedayafterTylerwassupposedtocomehome,whenitwasprobablyreallystartingtohitherandshewastryingtocryaboutittoherbestfriend.
Ishouldjustgiveherspace.Ishouldleave.
“I’mgonnago,”IsaidtoBrandon,puttingdownStuntmanMike.
Ididn’tintendtointrudeonhernight.Ididn’tknowshewasatBrandon’suntilIpulledupandsawhercarinthedriveway.AndifIwasbeinghonest,afterseeingherwithmakeuponandherhairdonewhenI’dgonetoherhouse,IwasrelievedtoknowthatherplanshadbeenwithSloanandnotsomeotherguy.EspeciallyaftereverythingShawnsaid.
Butthatwasn’ttheonlyreasonIwashappytoseeshewashere—Iwasjusthappytofuckingseeher.
I’dthoughtaboutherthewholetimeIwasatwork,andthenwhenIfinallycamebackover,itwassuchadisappointment.
Before,Icouldsitwithheronthecouchandbullshitwithher.Andnow,IguessIneededareasonjusttohangoutwithherinthelivingroom.Nowwehadrulesandeverythingfeltstiff.
ForabriefmomentIwishedwe’dneverhookedup.Thatwe’dstayedfriendsuntilshewasoverthisjoker,andthenmaybeIwould’vehadashotwithher,freeandclear.BecauserightnowIfeltlikeI’dlostthatthingbetweenus,thateasyfriendshipthatwastherebeforewecrossedthatline.Sure,I’dgottensexoutofit,butIwasn’tsureitwasworththetrade-off.Notlikethis.
Sloancamearoundthecornerintothelivingroom.Shelookedweary.“Babe,thehandletothetoiletbrokeoff.”SheputametalpieceinBrandon’shand.
“I’llfixitassoonasKristencomesout,”hesaid.
SloanlookedoveratmeasIpulledmykeysfrommypocket.“Areyouleaving?”
“Yeah,I’mjustgonnaheadout.”
Sheglancedbackatthebathroomandthenlookedatmefullon.“Josh,stay.”Shespokelow.“Stayfordinner.”
Somethinginhereyesimploredme.IlookedbackandforthbetweenherandBrandon.Hehadnofuckingideawhatwasgoingon.HewasaslostasIwas.Helookedathisfiancéelikehemightbeabletogleantheinformationfromthesideofherface.
“Areyousure?”Iasked.
“Verysure,”shewhispered,shootingalookbackatthebathroom.
MaybeIwasadistraction?MaybeSloanfeltlikeIcouldgetKristen’smindoffTyler?IhadnoillusionsthatSloandidn’tknowwe’dhookedup.Kristenwoulddefinitelyhavetoldher.SoSloanknewwhatshewasasking.
Ididn’twanttoleave.IwantedtobewhereverKristenwas.AndifSloanthoughtitwasokaythatIstay,that’swhatIwasgoingtodo.
Istayed.
BrandonandIheadedbacktothegarage.HehadafewprojectsIcouldhelphimwith,andthehousefeltlikeitwaszonedforthewomenatthemoment.
“Whatdoyouthinkthatwasabout?”Brandonaskedassoonaswewerealone.
HewastalkingaboutSloan’sintervention,notKristen’scrying.GivenKristen’srecentbreakup,thecryingwasunderstandable.
Isatonastoolattheworkbenchandshrugged.“Ithinkshe’sfuckedupaboutTylerandSloanthinksI’llgethermindoffit.”
Hisbrowfurrowedandhereachedforhisbeer.Hehelditinhislapandtappeditabsentlywithhispinky.“Idon’tknow.I’malittlesurprisedKristen’shavingthisreactiontoit,ifI’mbeinghonest.I’veneverseenherlikethat.Notevenwhenhergrandmotherdied.She’sprettytough.”Hepulledonhisbeer,lookingasperplexedasIfelt.
Wesatthere,bothofuslookingconfused,likewe’dstumbledintosomesortofforeignfemaleterritory.
UsuallyifIwalkedintoacrying-womansituationthatIwasn’tdirectlythecauseof,I’dbackawayslowlyandlettheladiesworkitoutamongthemselves.Butitbotheredmethatshewashurting.Iwishedshewouldtalktome.
Fuck,sheusedtotalktome.
Brandonlookedatme.“Whathappenedwhenyouwentovertheretoday?”
Ishookmyhead.“Shewasthesame.Kindofcold.Kickedmeout.Saidshewasonherperiodsowecouldn’thavesex.”
“Doyouthinkitwasanexcuse?”heasked.
“No.Ibelievedher.”IfKristendidn’twanttohavesex,Ihadnodoubtinmymindthatshe’djustcomeoutandsayit.Ididn’tthinktheperiodthingwasmadeup,especiallybecauseshe’dofferedmealternatives.Butthatwastwiceinamonth.
Maybeshehadissueswithherperiods.MysisterLauradidtoo,andsheusedthesameheavy-dutystuffKristendid.
Brandonsethisbeerdownandwentbacktolookingatthebustedkitchencabinetdoorhewasworkingon.“Helpmewiththisthing.I’mgoingtotrytofixthehinge.”
HehadanimpressiveworkbenchwithneonCoronabeersignshangingoverit.Twolarge,red,rollingtoolchestssatagainstthewallnexttocabinetshe’dbuilthimselfforallhispowertools.Itwasagoodthinghewasproperlyequipped,becausethehousehe’dboughtwithSloanneededwork.
Wefiddledwithprojectsforahalfanhour.Ikeptlookingatthedoorthatledintothehouse.IknewKristenwasontheotherside,makingdinnerwithSloan.Icouldfeelher.
OnanimpulseIgotup.“I’llberightback.”
IwalkedintothesmellofgarlicandbasilandfoundKristensittingatthekitchentablewithStuntmanMike.Sloanstoodoverasteamingpot.Thegirlsbothfrozeimmediately.
KristenandIstaredateachotherforamoment.“Canwetalkforasecond?”Iasked,noddingtothelivingroom.
Sloanshotheraglance.
Kristenstood,settingdownherdog.“Sure.”
Ifollowedherintothelivingroomandsheturnedtome,herarmscrossed.“What?”
“Well,”Isaid,crossingmyarmstoo.“YouandIaregoingtobespendingalotoftimetogetherinthenextfewweekswiththeweddingandeverything.Ithinkweshouldtalkabouttheelephantintheroom—youfollowingmeoverhere.”
Igother.Herlipstwistedintoareluctantsmile.
Hereyeswerepuffy.Red.Shelookedsadandbeaten.Iwantedtopullherintomychestandholdher,tellherTylerwasafuckingdickforleavingher.TheurgewassointenseIhadtoclenchmyfiststokeepmyselffromreachingout.ButIsensedshewouldn’tletmeifItried.Ididn’tlikethehelplessfeelingitgaveme.
Irealized,lookingather,thatasmuchasitfuckingsuckedthatallIwastoheratthemomentwasabootycall,I’dtakewhatevershewaswillingtogiveme.Ifshewantednothingbutafriendwithbenefitsrightnow,that’swhatI’dbeforher,becausethewayIfeltaboutherwouldn’tletmerefuseanychanceatgettingclosertoher.
Iclearedmythroat.“Ididn’tknowyouweregoingtobeoverhere.Iwasn’ttryingtocrowdyou,”Isaidalittlemoreseriously.
“Iknow.”Shelookedawayfromme,hersmilefallingabit.“Josh,I’mnotsureushookingupagainisagoodidea.”Hereyesflickedbacktome.
Shit.
Icouldrespectherwishesifshewantedtobackoutforherownreasons.ButifshethoughtshewassparingmeanygriefwhileshegotoverTyler,Ineededtosetherstraight.
“DoIgetanysay?”Iasked,tippingmyheadalittletocatchhereyes.“Youdon’twantanythingcommittedrightnow.Igetthat.Let’sjustkeepthingscasual.Welikehangingoutwitheachother.Thesexisgood.Let’snotoverthinkit.”
Shelookedupatme.“Andyouwouldbeokayknowingthatit’snevergoingtoleadtoanythingelse?”
Whyshefelttheneedtoslaptheword“never”ontoitwasalittlemuch.She’dgetoverTyleratsomepoint.Butitmadesensethatshedidn’twanttoputatimestamponit.AndIhadthefeelingifIevenalludedtothepossibilityofusonedaybeingmore,shewouldbail.Fornowatleast,yes,Iwasfinewiththecurrentarrangement.Icouldwaititout.
“Myexpectationsaremanaged,”Isaid.
“Andyou’regoingtoseeotherpeople.”
Shesaiditmoreasastatementthanaquestion.LikeshewasconfirmingthatIwasawarethiswasanexpectationofhersandIhadtoagreetocomply.
“IfIfeellikeit,yes.”Iwouldn’tfeellikeit.
“AndIwillseeotherpeople.Soyouunderstandthat.”
Thiswasharder.ButIreasonedshewouldseeotherpeoplewhetherherandIwerehookingupornot,soitdidn’tchangemydecision.AndpartofmethoughtthatifIstuckaround,shewouldn’tdateanyoneelse.She’denjoyedthesexasmuchasIhad—thatwasprettyfuckingobvious.I’djusthavetomeetallherneeds,adutyIwasmorethanwillingtofulfill.
“You’resingle.I’dexpectyoutodateotherpeopletoo,”Isaid.
Shestudiedmyfaceforamoment,likeshewassearchingforareasontosayno.Shemustnothavefoundone.
“Okay.Ifyouthinkyoucanhandleit,”shesaid.
Neitherofusmoved.Wewatchedeachother.Oneofourcomfortablesilences.
Myeyesopenlyroamedherbeautifulface.Herthicklashes,darkhairthatjustgrazedherdelicateshoulders,along,gracefulneck.Fulllips.
IwishedIcouldkissher.
Andthefunnythingwasshewasstaringatmymouthtoo.Butherexpressionwaspained.Likejustlookingatmehurt.
Damn,Tylerfuckedherup.Ihatedthatfuckingguy.
Sloancalledoutfromthekitchen.“Dinner’sready.”
Kristenturnedwithoutanotherword.Ifollowedherinthesoftflurryofhertart-appleperfumeandtookthechairnexttoheratthetable.
StuntmanMikeploppedonthefloorbetweenus.Ileanedover,pettinghishead,andwhisperedtoKristen.“Ihearthisplacehasgreatfood.Whydon’tweeatheremoreoften?”
IfIwasheretocheerherup,Iwasgoingtodojustthat.
Herfacesoftened.“It’shardtogetareservation,”shewhispered.Sheglancedatmylipsagainbeforehereyescameuptomeetmine.
“Iknowaguy,”Isaid.“AlthoughIheardtheyhadtocloseforafewdaysaftertheplacegotvandalizedacoupleweeksback.”
Sheraisedhereyebrows.“Ohyeah?”
InoddedandlookedoveratSloanbeforecontinuing,myvoicelow.“TheworstTP’ingCanogaParkhaseverseen.Noleads.Probablyaninsidejob.”
Shesmiled,andIsawhermoodliftbeforemyeyes.
Brandoncameinfromthedirectionofthebedroomandsatdown,slidingsomethingacrosstome.“LookwhatIgot.”
Sloanmoaned,settingaCaesarsaladinthemiddleofthetable.“OhGod.Notthatthing.”
“Whatisit?”Kristenasked,eyeingthecircularwoodenbox.
“It’saturkeypotcall,”Brandonsaid,scootinginhischair.
“Yeah,andhe’sbeenpracticingwithitforweeks.Inthehouse,”Sloansaid,puttingabowlofpastaonthetableandsittingdown.“Gobbling,alldaylong.”
Brandongavehisfiancéeanamusedlook.“Hey,ifIdon’tpractice,I’mnevergoingtogetbetter.”
Sloansmiled.“Uh-huh.Butinthelivingroomthough?WhenI’mpainting?”ShepassedtheFrenchbread.“He’susuallysoquiet.”
“He’sright,”Isaid,pickingituptogetabetterlook.“Heneedstopractice.Ittakesskill.”
Itwasanicepotcall.Woodwithaturkeyfeathercarvedintotheroundlidandamatchingcedarwandtomakethescratchnoise.Thekindofthingyoupassdowntoyoursononeday.
Inoddedinapproval.“Nice.Youknow,thereareturkey-callingcompetitions,”IsaidtoSloan.“Peoplecompeteonanationallevel.”
“Really?It’sthathard?”Sloanasked,servingherselfpasta.
“Ohyeah.”Itookoffthelidandranafingerontheblackscratchsurface.“Therearetonsofdifferentsoundstheymake.Thekeekeerun,thespitanddrum,yelps,purrs,cackles,clucks.Youhavetopracticeoryouwon’tgetanybirdsoutthere.”
SloangrinnedatBrandon.“Well,hedoeskeepmycookingblogprettybusy.IguessI’llhavetojustputupwithhim.”
Brandonpickedupherhandandkissedit,andbothKristenandIsmiled.
Kristenturnedtome.“Doyouknowhowtouseit?”Herquestionwasawhiteflag.Shewasmakinganefforttotalktome.
Brandonpickeduphisbeerandtippeditatme.“Joshisactuallygreatatthat.That’swhyhealwaysbagsabird.”
HewaswingmanningmeforKristen.Ijusthopedshefounddeadturkeyssexy.
Kristensmiledatme.Agenuinesmile.“Haveyouhuntedallyourlife?”
“Yup.”IputthelidonthepotcallandhandeditbacktoBrandon.
Kristenpokedathersalad.Thenshelookedbackupatme,hereyesinnocent.“Isittruethat‘vegetarian’isaNativeAmericanwordfor‘badhunter’?”
Brandonlaughedsosuddenlyhechoked.Ismiledather,happytoseehercomingbacktoheroldself.
“Youknow,Istilldon’thaveacar,”SloansaidoverherpastaafterBrandonstoppedlaughing.“YoutwobrokemyCorolla.”
Kristensnorted.“Really?You’regoingtoputthisonus?Thehamsterprobablydied.”
“Whathamster?”Sloanlookedconfused.
Kristenskeweredacrouton.“Theonerunninginthewheelunderthehood.”
BrandonandIlaughed,andSloanpressedherlipsintoaline,tryingtolookangry,butshecouldn’tkeepastraightface.
“Howcanyouletherdrivethatthing?”IshookmyheadatBrandon.
“Itoldher,Idon’tknowhowmanytimes,thatI’llbuyheranewcar,”Brandonsaid,stillchuckling.
Sloanshrugged.“Idon’twantanewcar.ThatwasthecarIlearnedtodrivein.Ihadmyfirstkissinthatcar.”
Brandongaveheramockseriouslook.“Well,thenitdefinitelyhastogo.”
Sloansmiledathimandleanedoverandkissedhimfleetinglyonthelips.Iwatchedmybestfriendlookatherforamomentaftershewentbacktoherfood.Hereallylovedher.
Irememberedthefirsttimehestartedtalkingabouther,threeyearsago.WeweresittinginaduckblindinSouthDakota,andhewentonforhoursaboutthiswomanhe’dbeenseeing.I’dneverseenhimsointosomeone.Imadeamentalnotetotalkaboutthatduringmybest-manspeech.
“Hey,didn’tyoutwomeetonacall?”Iasked,tryingtorecallthestoryhe’dtoldme.“Atahospitalorsomething?”
SloansmiledsweetlyatBrandon.“Yeah.Ionlygavehimmynumberbecausehewasinuniform.”
Igrinned.“Can’tsaynotoamaninuniform,huh?”
Itwirledmyforkaroundmypasta.Itwasincredible.SomekindofvenisonBolognese.Sloanwasagreatcook.KristenandIreallyshouldeatheremoreoften.
“No,Ican,”shesaid.“It’sjustIfiguredtheywouldn’tletafelonorregisteredsexoffenderintothefiredepartment.”
Brandonchuckled.“IwaspullingtheriguptotheemergencyroomentrancewhenIsawhercomingout.Backwhenwehadanambulanceatthestation.”
NowIrememberedthestory.Therestofthedetailspositionedthemselves.Sloan’sroommatewasintheER,andshe’dbeentherewithher.ThathadtohavebeenKristen,then.“Wasn’tityouintheER?”Iasked,lookingatKristen.
KristenwasthelastpersontogototheERfornothing.Infact,shewasoneofthosepatientsyoucouldnevergettogotothehospitalwhentheyactuallyneededto.Stubborntoafault.Momcalleditstrong-womansyndrome.
Mostofmysistershadtheaffliction.
Kristendidn’tlookupfromherplate.“Ipassedoutatapeprally.”
Mybrowfurrowed.“Why?”
“Iwasanemic.”Shesaiditwithoutemotion,butInoticedthewaySloanwatchedherasshetoldthestory.
Anemic.Bleeding.Wereherperiodsthatbad?
“Whenisyourcargoingtobefixed?”Kristenasked,changingthesubject.
“It’sreadynow,”Sloansaid.“Ijustneedsomeonetodrivemetogogetit.Brandoncan’t.He’shelpinghissistermovetomorrow.”
“Well,Icanbringittoyou,”Ioffered.“Kristen,whydon’tIdrivehomewithyoutonight?I’llleavemytruckhere,andIcanstaythenightatyourplace.AfterI’mdonewithtomorrow’sorders,I’llpickupSloan’scaranddriveitback.”
Itwaslikethewholeroomheldtheirbreathwaitingforheranswer.
“Sure,”Kristensaid,shrugging.
Forkswentbacktoclinkingonplates.
IwassureI’dbeforcedintotheguestroom,butI’dbankedonherpracticalityandwon.SheknewI’dbetheretomorrowmorningearlyanyway.Wehadatonoforders.AndwhydenySloanhercar?I’dspentthenightthereplentyoftimesalready,thiswasn’tanythingoutoftheordinary.Iclearlyknewherwellenoughtoanticipateherthoughtprocesses.
Sowhy,then,haditbeensuchasurprisetomehowupsetshewasaboutTyler?EIGHTEEN
Kristen
JustwhenIthoughtImighthavethestrengthtogetout,Joshpulledmebackin.
We’dplayedgamesatSloan’suntilalmostmidnight.SloanforcedJoshandmetobeonthesameteam.WedestroyedherandBrandonatcharades.
BythetimeJoshandIlefttogether,ahalfanhourago,wewerebacktoouroldprehookupselves,laughingandjoking.Alltheweirdnesswasgone.
I’djustbrushedmyteethandchangedintoshortsandatanktopforbedwhenheknockedonmybedroomdoor.WhenIopenedit,thecrookedsmileonhisfacetoldmeimmediatelythatmaletrickerywasafoot.
“Joshua.WhatcanIhelpyouwith?”
HestoodthereinawhiteT-shirtandgrayflannelpajamabottoms.“DoyoumindifIaskyouaquestion?”Hegrinnedmischievously.
“What?”Hismasculinecedarscentmixedwiththemintfromhistoothpasteandteasedmefromthedoorway.Itwasintoxicating.
Itriedtoholdmybreath.
“Doyouhaveproblemswithyourperiods?”
ThequestiontookmesobysurpriseIimmediatelythoughtSloanhadsaidsomethingtoBrandonandhe’dtoldJosh.ButhewentonbeforeIcouldask.
“Becausethey’vedonestudiesthatshowsleepingnexttoamaneverynightcanregulateyourperiod.Didyouknowthat?Now,I’mprettybusy,”hesaid,lookingdownthehallandthenbackatme,hisdimplespopping.“ButIthinkIcanofferyoumyservicestonightinexchangefornothavingtosleeponyourfuton.”
Istifledasmile.“Thissleepoverwasyouridea.Youknewyou’dbeintheguestroom.”
Hemadeashowofstrainingtolookaroundmeintomyroom.“Hmm.CanIcheckyoursmokealarm?”Heleanedinthedoorframeandcrossedhisarmsinthatwaythatpushedouthisbicepsandmadehischestpressagainsthisshirt.
Myovariesswooned.Damn,itwastoobadIwasspotting.I’ddraghimrighttobedandcashinonthisfriends-with-benefitsdealifIwasn’t.
Iputanarmacrossthedoorandfoughttheurgetosmile,pressingmylipsintoaline.“Mysmokealarmisfine.”
“CanIhavethedog?”
Iscoffed.“WhythefuckwouldIgiveyoumydog?”
“SoIwon’tbelonely.”Hegavemeamocksadface.
“WellthenI’llbelonely.”
“Youcansolveeveryone’sproblemsbyjustlettingmein.Ifyouturnmeaway,I’mjustgoingtocomebackdoingthenakedman,”hesaidseriously.
Isnorted.Heavenhelpmeifhecamebackwiththenakedman.IwasinnowaystrongenoughtoturnawayanakedJosh.
“I’mspotting.”Iremindedhim,hopingthatwouldshuthimdown.
Tylerwouldn’tcomenearmewithaten-footpoleifIwasbleeding.I’dhadtobeprettycreativetokeepoursexlifesatisfyingwhenhisleavesfellwithinmythree-week-periodwindow.
Hiseyebrowsshotup.“Spottingonly?”
“Yeah.”
Hecrashedintome,armsaroundmywaist,lipsrightintomyneck.“Idon’tcareaboutspotting,”hewhispered,kissingundermyear.
Hissuddenproximityknockedtheemotionalwindoutofme.“Icare,”Ibreathed,handsonhischest.
DoI?Ido,right?
“Well,stop,”hesaidhuskily,smilingintomyneck.
Hebackedmeintothebed,hisstrongarmguidingmedown.Whenheslidoverme,Iwashypnotized.Renderedcompletelyhelpless.
Andhewasn’tlyingaboutthespotting.
Hereallydidn’tcare.
***
IwokeupthenextmorningnakedwithmycheekstucktoJosh’sbarechest.Ilaythereforamoment,thelightcrackingthroughmyblinds,listeningtothesoundofhissteadyheartbeating.
IwantedtogivemyselfanotherfewmomentsofhappinessbeforeIhadtokickhimoutofmybedandpretendIdidn’tcarewhetherhewasthereornot.
HestirredandIclosedmyeyesandpretendedIwasstillasleep.Hisbodyshiftedlikehewaslookingdownonme,andIheardhisheartpickupalittle.IknewifIlookedup,hewouldsmileandIcouldkisshimgoodmorning.
ButIwouldn’t.Becausethat’snotwhatfuckbuddiesdo.
Lipsgentlytouchedthetopofmyhead,andhisarmstightenedaroundme.Itwassweetandtender.
Andabadsign.
Hesaidhecouldhandlethis,thatthesex-onlythingwasokayforhim.ButI’dhavetokeepaneyeonhim,enditifIthoughthewasgettingtooattached.
Mystomachgrowled.Iwonderedwhattimeitwas.Therewasacafethat—
Iboltedupright.“Whatdayisit?”Ilookeddesperatelyformyphone.
Joshproppedhimselfuponhiselbowsandlookedatme,hishairmessy.“Marcheighth.Tuesday.Why?”
Ifoundmyphoneonthecharger:10:13a.m.“Shit!”
Iswungmylegsoutofthebedandcrashedpainfullyintothenightstandwithmyhip,stillingthewobblewithmyhands.IscoopedupStuntmanfromtheendofthebedandpushedhimouttheslidingglassdoorbeforerunningtothebathroom.
OhmyGod,howcouldIforget?
IhadnoTyler,just-fuckedhairandmynakedcarpenterinmybedroomwithlessthantwentyminutestogetmyshittogether.Onehandjammedmytoothbrushinmymouthwhiletheotheroneturnedontheshower.IgotinbeforethewaterhadachancetowarmupandbrushedmyteethwhileIwetmyhairinthefrigidstream
TheshowerdoorslidopenandJoshgotinnexttome.“Whoa,thisisfreezing.”
Ispitintothedrain.“Thisisnotyourshower.Getout.”
Helaughed,grabbingthesoap.“Ihavetouseaseparateshowernow?Youdon’tevenletyourpoorexhaustedfuckbuddycleanupafterhespendsthenightservicingyou?”Helatheredhischest,grinningatme.
Normally,Joshnakedinmyshowerwouldbetherealizationofalong-runningfantasy,butthismorninghewasjusttakinguproomwhereIcouldbehurriedlyshavingmylegs.
“What’stherush,anyway?”heasked.
Ibentdowntograbmyshampooandbumpedhisthighwithmyforehead.WhenIcamebackup,hewassmirkingatme.
“Mymom.Ihavebrunchwithmymom,”Isaid,scrubbingmyhairfrantically.“Iforgot.She’llbehereinfifteenminutes.ShethinksTyleriscomingwithme.Shedoesn’tknowwebrokeup.”
Isnatchedthesoapfromhim,rinsingmyhairwhileIwashedmybody.Thiswasanightmare.Afuckingnightmare.“Josh,youneedtobeinthegaragewhenshegetshere.”
“Ican’tmeetyourmom?”
“No.”DearGod,noHi,Mom,TylerandIbrokeup,buthere’smyfuckbuddy,Josh.Isn’thecute?Lordhelpme.
Myhandswereactuallyshakingfromtheadrenaline.
“I’mgettingprettycoldoverhere,”hesaid,slippinghishandsaroundmywaistfrombehindandkissingthesideofmyneck.
Iwiggled.“Josh,Idon’thavetimeforthis.Itoldyouthiswasn’tyourshower.”
“Okay,okay.”Heletgoofmewithalaugh.
Hewouldn’tbelaughingifheknewEvelyn.
“YousureIcan’tmeether?I’mgoodwithmoms,”hesaid,whileIsmackedconditionerinmyhair.
“No.Youcan’tmeether.Just…”Iviciouslyscrubbedmyfaceandrinsed,doingaquickspintogetthesoapandconditioneroff.ThenIjumpedout,grabbingtheclosesttowel.“Justdon’tcomeout.Anddon’tletStuntmanbackinthehouseeither.HehatesherworsethanhehatesTyler.”
Itrippedalloverthebathroom,plugginginmyhairdryer,slappingonlotion,puttingonmascara.Joshgotoutandwentintothebedroomtogetdressed.
Tenminutes.Ihadtenminutes.Ifmyhairwaswet,she’dknowIhadforgotten.She’dbeworseifsheknewI’dforgotten.
Ugh.ShewasgoingtogivemesomuchgriefaboutTyler.Well,itwasonlyamatteroftime.Ormaybe,Youruinallthegoodthingsinyourlife.Whateveritwas,itwouldbetingedwithdisappointmentandjudgmentandIdidn’thaveenoughwarningtogetintotherightheadspacetodealwithher.
I’dbeensodistracted,andTylerwastheonewho’dsavedthedateinhiscalendar.Andofcourseshewouldn’tcallmetoconfirmorletmeknowshewasonherwaylikeanormalperson.She’dpreferitifIfuckedupandgotthedatewrongorforgot.Iturnedonmyhairdryer.
Dryfaster,dryfaster!Damnit,whydidIevenwashit?!
At10:29Icameoutofmyroom,readytoanswerthedoor.Shewasneverlate.She’dbehereexactlyat10:30.ButwhenIcamedownthehallway,puttinginmyearring,Momwasalreadyinthelivingroom.
TalkingtoJoshNINETEEN
Josh
ThehairdryerwasstillrunninginKristen’sroomwhenthedoorbellrangonmywaytothegarage.Icalleddownthehall,butshedidn’thearme.FiguredImightaswellmakemyselfuseful,soIansweredit.
Thewomanonthefrontporchwasn’twhatIexpected.ShecouldhavebeenKristen’sgrandmother.Maybeshewashergrandmother.Shelookedlikeshewaspushingseventy.Stillgood-lookingthough.Kindofregal.
IsawKristen’shighcheekbones,petiteframe,andlargeeyes.Hergrayhairwaspulledtightintoaneatbun.Sheworepearls.
Whenshesawme,shegavemearaisedeyebrowandlookedmeoverlikeIwasawinelistthatdidn’thaveheryear.
“Well,hello.Ismydaughteravailable?”Hereyesflickedcoollytomywethair.
“She’llberightout.Comein.I’mJosh,hercarpenter,”Iadded,givingherahandtoshake.
“EvelynPeterson.”Sheshookmyhandfirmlyandthenlookedaroundthelivingroomwhileshefishedasmallbottleofhandsanitizeroutofherpurseandsquirtedsomeintoherpalm.
Itwasalittlerude,butIwatchedthiswithamusement.
IsawwhereKristengotherscowlfrom.Evelyndidnotlookpleased.
“Ihopeyoudon’ttakethestateofthishouseasevidenceofapoorupbringing,”shesaid,rubbingherhandstogetherandeyeinganemptybeerbottleanddirtyplateonthecoffeetable.“Kristengrewupwithahousekeeper,butI’dliketothinkIinstilledasenseofprideinher.”ShewrinkledhernoseatoneofStuntmanMike’shalf-chewedbonesonthefloor.“Evenifit’snotalwaysapparent.”
Kristen’shousewasspotless.You’dbehard-pressedtofindadustbunnyunderthecouch.Whogaveashitaboutabeerbottleandaplate?
ShemovedaroundthecoffeetableandpickedupagreendachshundsweaterfromastackKristenhadbeeninventorying.ItreadISEEYOULOOKINGATMYWIENER.Evelyngrimacedandsetitdownwithtwofingers.
Mymomwouldhavethoughtthatshitwashilarious.Evelynwasn’tawiener-jokekindoflady,Iguess.
Iwasstartingtogetalittleuncomfortable.Toopretentiousformytaste.Still,Iwaskindofherhostatthemoment,andIhadtoentertainheruntilKristentookover.
“Uh…canIgetyousomethingtodrink?Awater?”Iasked.
Hersteelygazesettledbackonme.“Thankyou,no.WhereisTyler?”
“I’mnotsure.Ijustworkhere,”Isaid.Itwasn’tmyplacetotellheraboutthevoicemailbreakup.
Shenarrowedhereyes.“Hmm.”
Kristencamearoundthecorner,herhandtoherearring,andshestoppedcoldwhenshesawustogether.ThenshedidsomethingIhavenever,intheentiretimeI’veknownher,seenherdo.
Sheturnedred
“IwasbeginningtothinkIneededtosendoutasearchparty,”Evelynsaidcurtly.
IbracedforKristen’ssnarkyretort,buttomysurpriseshedidn’treply.Insteadshestifflykissedhermomhello.
“AndwhereisTyler?”EvelyngaveKristenanair-kiss.“Ihopewe’renotgoingtobelate.YouknowhowIhatebeinglate.”Sheglancedatadiamondwatch.
Kristen’seyesflickednervouslytome.“Actually,Tylerwon’tbecoming.Webrokeup.”
Evelyn’slipspressedintoaline.Shewaitedalongbeatbeforesherepliedwithacool,“Isee.”Sheturnedtome.“Joshua,wouldyoucaretojoinus?Ourreservationisforthree.”
Kristenspokequickly.“Hehasalotoforders—”
“Ibelievethiswasmybrunchinvitation,”Evelynsaid.“You’vedeprivedusofourthreesomeandfailedtoinformmeinadvancesoIcouldmaketheproperarrangementstofilltheseat.I’dliketoinviteJoshua,andit’smyinvitationtoextend.”
Hertonehadafinalitytoit.IlookedatKristen.She’dgonetotallysilent.
Kristen,silent
ThisalarmedmemorethanIcouldcomprehend.
Somethingprotectivetoldmenottoleaveheralonewiththiswoman.ThisTylerthingseemedtobesomesortofhotbuttonbetweenthem,andIgottheimpressionabufferwasneeded.Maybethat’swhysheasked.TheemptychairmightpissEvelynoffandjustmakethingsworse.
“Sure,I’dlovetocome.”
AlarmrippedacrossKristen’sface.
Ilookeddownatmyclothes.“I’mnotsureI’mdressedforitthough.”
Ididn’tknowwhereweweregoing,butbothKristenandEvelynwereindressesandheelsandIwasinjeansandaBurbankFireT-shirt.Ididn’thaveanythingelsetochangeinto.
Evelynsighed.“You’llfitrightinwithalltheotherunderdressedmillennialsthere,Isuppose.I’msorryKristendidn’tmakeitpossibleformetogiveyoumorenotice.”Sheturnedforthedoor.“Oh,Kristen?Youreallyshouldputyourtrashcanswheretheycan’tbeseenfromthestreet.Curbappealmatters,dear.”
EvelyncameinablackTownCarwithadriver.Onthetwenty-minutetriptotherestaurant,shepickedlintoffKristen’sdressandcommentedonherdamphair.Inbetweenthenitpicking,IlearnedshewasatenuredlawprofessoratUCLAandajudge.
Man,shewasuptight.IwonderedifsheeverhuggedKristenasachild.Icouldn’tpictureit.Icouldn’tevenimaginehersmiling.Cometothinkofit,shedidn’tevenhavelaughlines.Justtwodeepwrinklesbetweenhereyebrowswhereshedrewthemdown.
Kristenseemedparalyzed.Itwastheweirdestthing.Ikeptlookingather,tryingtofigureoutwhatwaswrongwithher.Sheremindedmeofacorneredanimalsofrightenedthatitsfight-or-flightresponsehadshutoffanditjustsatthere,frozenandterrified.
TherestaurantwasinSimiValley,andIwasdefinitelyunderdressed.Theothermillennialswerenohelp.Theywereinsportcoatsandbutton-downs.Ahostessledustoawhitelinen-coveredtablewithasmallvaseofrosesonitbythewindow.
“We’llhavemenus,”Evelynsaidtothehostessinaboredtone.“Idon’ttrustbuffets,”sheexplained.“Toomanypeoplepawingatit.”
KristenandIsharedalook.Thebuffetlookedincredible.Webothwantedtohitthatup.IthadadamnicesculptureonitandaBloodyMarybar.Afatprimeribsatonthecarvingtableandicedcrablegsandshrimpflankedtheomeletstation.
ButIdidn’twanttoberude.Iwasaguest.AndKristendidn’tlooklikesheplannedonarguingeither,sowetookourmenus.
Idon’tknowwhyEvelynletKristenhaveonethough,becausewhentheservercame,Evelynorderedforher—eggsBenedict.Kristendidn’tcomment,butIhappenedtoknowshehatedpoachedeggs.Shedidn’tlikerunnyyolks.Andshedefinitelydidn’tlikebeingtoldwhattoeat.
Ididn’tgetthisdynamicatall.Kristenwassittingthere,butshewasnowheretobeseen.Herflamewascompletelyextinguished,likehermomdrainedallthefirerightoutofher.
Ourdrinksweredelivered.Isippedanorangejuice,andKristentookalongswallowofhermimosa.
Evelynpulledartificialsweetenerfromherpurseandsqueezeditintohercoffee.“So,Kristen.WhatdidyoudotorunoffTyler?”
Whatthefuck?Myhandtightenedaroundmyglass.
Kristencarefullysetdownherchampagneflute.“Howdoyouknowitwasn’tmewhobrokethingsoff?”
Evelynlookedamused,likethequestionwasabsurd.“Wasit?”
Kristensatrigid.Astudentintheprincipal’soffice.“Hereenlisted.”
“Isee.”Evelynsetherspoondownonthesaucer.“Well,Ican’tsaythissurprisesme.”
SomethingangryflashedinKristen’seyes,butsheseemedtopushitdown.Shepressedherlipstogetherforasecond.“Andwhyisthat?”
Evelynraisedhercoffeecuptoherlipsandtookasip.“Well,adrivenmanlikethatwantsthesameinapartner,wouldn’the?”Sheturnedtome.“AndJoshua,whatisitthatyoudo?Ordoyoubuilddogmerchandisefulltime?”
Thequestionwascondescending.Forallsheknew,Ididbuilddogmerchandisefull-time.Andwhatthefuckwaswrongwiththat?
“I’mafirefighterandparamedic.”
“Doyouhaveanyhighereducation?”
WhydidIgetthefeelingthequestionwasmeanttobeinsulting?Shehadtoknownotmanyfirefightersalsohelddoctorates.Anassociatedegreeinfiresciencewasaboutthenorm.ButifIhadtoguess,anythingunderafour-yeardegreewasn’tgoingtoimpressher.Icouldn’tcareless.IwasproudofwhatIdidforaliving.Butsheclearlymeanttohighlightwhatsheconsideredtobeashortcoming.
“Ineverwenttocollege.Iwentintothemilitaryafterhighschool.Andthenthefireacademy,ofcourse.”
Evelynspokeoverhercoffee.“Andhowlonghaveyoubeensleepingwithmydaughter?”
“Mom!”Kristenstaredather,openmouthed.
Isatbackinmychairanddraggedahanddownmyface.Well,Kristen’sbluntnesswasdefinitelyhereditary.
Evelynsethercuponthesaucerandputherhandstogether.“Really,Kristen.Wedon’tneedtoplaygames.We’realladults.”Shegavemeadisapprovingglance.“Idohopethiswasn’tthereasonwhyTylerdecidedtosearchforgreenerpastures,however.ForonceIthoughtyouwereontherighttrack.”
Kristenflushedagainandmyhacklescameup.Wasthisladyforreal?
“Ididn’thaveanythingtodowithhimbreakingupwithher,”Isaid,feelingalittleindignant.“Andneitherdidshe.It’sbeenhardonher,andI’msurprisedyou’renotmoreconcernedabouthowshe’sfeelingatthemoment.”
IfeltKristen’swideeyesonthesideofmyface.
Iwenton.“Andifyoubotheredtoaskher,she’dtellyouthathebrokeupwithherinavoicemaillikeacoward.”
MaybethatwouldknockthatjokeroffthepedestalEvelynseemedtohavehimon.
Evelyn’sexpressionremainedplacid,andshedidn’tgetachancetoreplybecausetheservercameandstartedsettingfooddowninfrontofus.
Kristenlookedathereggswithdismay.Shewasprettypickyaboutherfood,andshegotcrankywhenshedidn’teat.Igotthefeelingshe’dmusclethroughthisbecausehermomseemedtohavesomesortofmindcontroloverher,butshe’dhateit.
Youknowwhat?Fuckthis.
IpickeduphereggsBenedictandgavehermyFrenchtoast.“Kristendoesn’tlikehereggslikethat,”IsaidtoEvelyn,noteventryingtomaskmyannoyance
KristenlookedatmelikeI’djustgivenheroneofmykidneys.Iputahandunderthetableandsqueezedherknee.
Evelynwatchedthewholethingwithunmaskeddistaste.
Icouldn’tfuckingbelievethiswasKristen’smom.Howdidthisladyraisesomeonesocool?Ifitwasn’tfortheuncannyfamilyresemblance,I’dthinkthiswassomeelaboratejoke.
Evelyndrapedanapkinoverherlap.“Joshua,youmightfindmyimpatiencewithmydaughteralittleconfusing.Youhaven’tknownherverylong.Thethingthatyoudon’trealizeisthatKristenhasatendencytoself-sabotage.”
“Ihighlydoubtthat,”Isaid,myjawtight.Itwasn’therfaultTylerreenlisted.
Shechuckled.“Youwould.Butthenyou’rethemostrecentproof,aren’tyou?”
Kristen’sforkhittheplatewithaclatter.“Irealizeyou’redisappointedthatTylerandIbrokeup,”shesaidwithsuddenvehemence.“Butitisnoneofyourbusiness.WhoI’mfuckingisnoneofyourbusiness.”
Evelyn’seyessmoldered.“Ofcourse.Whywouldanythingyoudobemybusiness?Iraisedyoutobeaprosperousperson,pouredmyselfintoyourdevelopment,andyou’vespentthelastfiveyearssystematicallyundoingeverythingIinstilledinyou.Firstyoustoppedplayingpiano,turnedyournoseupatJuilliard.ThenyouwalkawayfromHarvardsoyoucanplayhousewithSloan.YoudiscardedtheelitecollegeeducationIpaidforbydroppingoutoflawschooltosellclothingfordogs…”
Piano?Lawschool??
Harvard???
Evelynscowled.“Nowyou’vebotchedtheonlyrelationshipI’veeverapprovedof.Butofcourse,continueon,Kristen.Seehowfaryoucanfall.Youcouldhavebeenmakingarespectableliving,forGod’ssake.”
Iwasbeginningtolosemyfuckingcool.“Shedoesmakearespectableliving,”Isnapped.Shit,shemadetwiceasmuchasIdid,easily.
Evelynsentmeacuttingglare.“Ouropinionsonwhatconstitutesarespectableoccupationarelikelyverydifferent,youngman.AndI’llthankyoutostayoutofit.”
LikehellI’mstayingoutofit.“Shestartedherownsuccessfulbusinessfromthegroundup.Shegetstobeherownbossandshegetstodoitfromherlivingroom.I’dthinkyou’dbeproud.”
“Yes,it’snotexactlyamethlabthatI’mrunning,Mother,”Kristensaid,smirkingintohermimosa.
There’smygirl.Iputahandonhershoulder.“Well,noone’ssayingyoushouldgiveupyourhobbies,honeybunny.”
Kristenchokedandspitherdrinkbackintoherglass,andwebothlaunchedintolaughter.
SteamcameoutofEvelyn’searsandsheglaredatus.Kristendescendedintoagigglingfit,leaningintomyshoulder.
Thespellwasbroken.Shewasback
Evelyndabbedathermouthwithhernapkinandraisedafingeratthewaiter.“Well,it’sgoodtoseethatyou’vefoundsomeonetocelebratemediocritywith,Kristen.”
Kristengrinnedupatme,stilllaughing.“Wedoknowhowtocelebrate,don’twe,Joshua?”
“I’mallwornoutafterlastnight’scelebration.”Ichuckled,wipingatmyeyes.Islidmyplateawayfrommeanddroppedmynapkinontoit.“Readytogo?”Ipulledoutmywalletandtossedsomebillsontothetable.“Thankyoufortheinvite,”IsaidtoEvelynasIpushedoutmychair.“Kristen?”Igavehermyhand.
Shedidn’tmove.
Comeon,Kristen—let’sgo.Don’tstandforthisshit.
Shetookmyhandwithasidewaysgrinandgotup.
“Mom,thishasbeenfun,asalways.”ThenshegrabbedthemoneyIputonthetable,tuckeditintomybackpocket,gavemyassasqueeze,andledmebythehandoutoftherestaurant.TWENTY
Kristen
Weburstfromtherestaurantintothewarmnoonairandmadeourwaypastthevaletdownthesidewalktothefastclickofmyheels.
“Jesus,wassheforreal?”Joshasked,stilllaughingalittle.Wewalkedalongarowofboutiquesandsalons.“Ididn’tthinkpeoplelikethatreallyexisted.”
Iscoffed.“Ohyes,she’sforreal.SloancallshertheIceQueen.”
Heshookhishead.“Whydoyoulethertalktoyoulikethat?Youdon’tactuallybelievethatstuff,doyou?”Helookedatme,histhickeyebrowsknitted.
IbelievedIdisappointedher.Anditwashardnottotakewhatshesaidtoheart.Ididdropoutoflawschool.Igaveuponpiano,whichIwassomewhatgiftedat.Turneddownscholarships.ConsideringwhatIcouldhavebeendoing,whatIwasprobablycapableofifIwantedtoapplymyselfandlivealifeIhated,yeah,Icouldbeconsideredadisappointment.Shehadapoint.
Ididn’tanswerhim.
“Kristen.”Hestoppedmeonthesidewalkandputhishandsonmyarms.“Hey,youknowthatnothingshesaidwastrue,right?”
Ilookedhimintheeye.“Shewasn’twrongaboutallofit,Josh.”Iwasnothingifnotself-aware.
Hetookastepcloserandhiswarmeyesanchoredme.“Noneofwhatshesaidaboutyouistrue,”hesaidseriously.“You’reoneofthemostdrivenpeopleI’veevermet.You’resmartandsuccessful,andTyler’safuckingassholeforbreakingupwithyoulikethat.Thatshitwasn’tyourfault.”
Tyler.
He’dbeencallingalmosteverydaysincehebrokeupwithme.Iwasn’tinterestedinhearingwhathehadtosay.
Icouldn’tdecideiftherulingemotionwasguiltforfallinginlovewithJoshwhileweweretogether,orfurythatTylerhadendedtwoyearsbybreakingallhispromisesandlettingmeknowviavoicemail.
Hehadtohaveknownhewasgoingtoleaveme,andhe’dprobablyknownforawhile.Hehadn’tbeenanymoreforthcomingwithhisplansorreservationsaboutourrelationshipthanI’dbeenaboutmygrowingloveforJosh.
Ihadfeelingsaboutthis,andzerodesiretoexplorethem.
SoIdidwithTylerwhatIdidwithmostoftheshittythingsinmylife.IputhimwhereIkeptmyhysterectomyandmychildhood—initsownlittleroom.
ItossedTylerintohisstoragespace,pulledthestringonthelightbulb,shuttheheavymetaldoor,andlatchedthelocksoIwouldn’thavetolookatthethingsthathurt,andIcouldgoonwithmylifeunaffected.
ItwaswhyIdidn’tcry.ItwashowIlivedusingonlytheleftsideofmybrain.
Butforsomereason,compartmentalizingtodaydidn’tseempossible.IknewitthesecondIsawJoshstandinginmylivingroomwithMom.ItwaslikethingsthathappenedwithJoshcouldn’tbelockedup.Theyjustsmearedallover,messyandimpossibletoputaway.
Thefeelingwasalittleterrifying,likeI’dlostmydefensemechanismandIwasnakedandunarmed.WithJosh’seyeslookingintomine,Iwasemotionallyexhaustedandactuallyalittleembarrassedaboutwhathappenedtoday—andIdidn’tgetembarrassed.
Thetightnessinmythroatthreatenedtoturnintocrying.Crying.Again.Forthesecondtimeinasmanydays.Ididn’tevenrecognizemyselfanymore.
Heputahandtomycheekashisstarewanderedmyface,andIwasafraidhewasgoingtokissme.Iwasafraidbecauseifhedid,inthatrawmoment,Iwouldn’tbeabletostophim.Ihadtokeepthatstuffundercontrol.Forbothofus.Icouldn’tletlinesblur.
Butthesideofhismouthcameupintoasmile.“You’rehungry.Comeon.”
Hepulledmeintothenearestcafe.
Like,seriously.Thenearestone.Hedidn’tevenlookatthemenuontheeasel.
“What?”Isaid,horrifiedashedraggedmeinsidebythehand.“Aren’twegoingtoatleastcheckthereviews?Whatifitonlyhasthreestars?”
Hehelduptwofingerstothehostessandturnedtome.“Youkillme,youknowthat?Ononehandyouembracedangerateveryturn,andontheotheryouwon’triskgettingbadpancakes.Andanyway,I’mbuying.”
Ishookmyhead.“No,I’llpayformyself.We’renotonadate.”
“Iknow.Don’tworry—I’mnottryingtoslipadatepastyou.”Hemadeafaceliketheideawascrazy.“I’djustliketobuyyoubreakfast.Ilikefeedingyou.”
“Why?”
Hegrinnedatmeandputhishandsonmyshoulders.“Becauseyou’realotnicertomewhenyou’veeaten.It’smoreformethanyou,really.”
Icrackedasmileandwefollowedthehostessthroughtherestauranttoatableinatinyenclosedpatio.Wehadthespacealltoourselves.
Itwasactuallyalittleromantic.Mismatchedbistrochairsandreclaimedwoodtableswithlittlevasesofcarnationsonthem.Thepatiowasfullofpottedplants.Severalfountainstrickledalongthevine-twistedbrickwallsthatenclosedus.ThrowpillowswithAztecpatternsinthebooths,Christmaslightsstrungoverus.Intimateandlovely.
Iwasstillgoingtocheckthereviewsthough.
Oncewe’dordered,Joshstartedhittingmewithquestions.Ithinkthebrunchfromhellwasstartingtoprocess.
“Idon’tthinkIappreciatedmymomenough,”hesaid,takingthegarnishesoffhisBloodyMaryandslidingthemacrosstomeonanapkin.“Whatwasitlikegrowingupwithamomlikethat?”
Inibbledonthepicklespear.“Likethatbrunch—butforeighteenyears.”
“Sheremindsmeofthatladyfromthatmovie…”Hesnappedhisfingers.“TheonewithMerylStreep?”
Iscoffed.“TheDevilWearsPrada?Shemightbethedevil.Nobody’severseentheminthesameroomatthesametimebefore.”
HechuckledandIsmiledweaklyathim.God,hewasmyhero.Inthelastthirtyminutes,Joshhaddonethemodern-dayequivalentofslayingadragon.Hesavedme.Twice.OncefromtheIceQueenandthenagainfromstarvation.
Foodwasmycurrency.Hungrywasanemotionforme.Ifeltthatshitinmysoul.
Ilookedatthenapkinhegaveme.Helikedallthisstuff—celery,pickles,olives,shrimp.Eithermyhangrywastrulyterrifyingorhegaveittomebecausehewastakingcareofme.Hehadn’teatenyeteither.Hewashungrytoo,buthedidn’tevenkeepanoliveforhimself.
Joshwasgoingtomakeaverygooddaddyoneday.Hewasselflessandprincipled.Brave.Loyal.
He’dmakeagoodhusbandtosomeonetoo.
Ithoughtabouthowhe’dgivenmehisFrenchtoastearlier,andIhadtoclutchmyheartthroughmydress.
“Youokay?”heasked,watchingmesqueezemychest.
Inodded.“Yeah.”
It’sjustthatyou’reperfect,andmyhearthurts.
“Hey…”Hiseyesnarrowedatmyhand,andhereachedforitoverthetable.“How’dyougetthis?”Heranathumbalongthepurplemarkjustabovemyknuckles.
Thetouchgavemebutterflies.
“Oh,itwasafreakPop-Tartaccidentwhileyouwereatwork.”
Histhumbstilled,andhelookedatmelikeIwasabouttotellhimIwaskidding.“APop-Tartaccident?YougotinjuredmakingaPop-Tart?”
Ipulledmyhandbackandfeignedindignation.“Yes,Idid.Themiddleofthosethingsarelikemoltenlavawhenthey’rehot.AndmeandthisparticularPop-Tarthadarun-in.”
Hiseyesdancedwithamusement.“Wereallyneedtokeepyououtofthekitchen.”
Ishrugged.“SoIcookthewayyoudrive.Whatever.”
Helaughed.
“Hey,”Isaid,afteramoment.“I’msorryshewasinsulting.Itwasmeanttohurtme,notyou.”
Heheldhisglassonthetable.“You’reverydifferentaroundher.”
Yes.Becauseshehasthekeytoeveryroom.
I’dneverbeenabletokeepherout.
Orlockherin.
Iletoutalongbreath.“It’slikethesecondI’minherpresence,I’msixyearsold,disappointingheratherdinnerpartywithmyMozartconcerto.”
“Howlongdidyouplaythepiano?”
Ireacheddownandpulledthebacksoffmyheels.“Fifteenyears.Everydayforthreehours,sixdaysaweek.Sundaywasfortennisandwhateverotheractivityshemademedo.”
Heraisedhiseyebrows.“Wow.Whydidyoustop?”
“Istoppedbecausesheforceditonme.”
Hetookadrink.“Wereyouanygood?”
“Well,I’dhopeso.Youspendthreehoursadaydoinganythingforfifteenyears,youbetterbegoodatit,”Isaid,eatinganolive.
Iwouldplayforhimifheasked.AndIdidn’tplayforanyone
Pianowassymbolicforme.Theshacklesofmychildhood,thechainIcastoffwhenIfinallyhadsomecontrolofmyownlife.Pickingitupagain,eventhoughIwasgoodatit,feltlikeacknowledgingthathertyrannyhadmerit.Somystilledfingersweremyrebellion.
ButforJosh?Tohavehimlookatmewithadmiration?IwouldplayforJosh.
Itwassuchanoddfeelingwantinghimtobeimpressedwithmebutsimultaneouslyhopinghedidn’tlikemetoomuch.
“YougotintoHarvard?Andyouwereinlawschool?”heasked.
Isighed.“Yes.Ididn’tseewhyIhadtoleaveSloantogotoMassachusettsjusttogetadegreeIdidn’tevenwant.SoIwenttoUCLA.IwasinmyfirstyearoflawschoolwhenIdroppedout.Obviouslymymomwaspissedaboutit,”Imumbledintomycoffeecup.
“Youdidn’twanttobealawyer?”Hegavemeadimpledgrin.“Arguingforaliving?You?Youwerebornforit.”
Ismirked.“Iprefertoargueforfun.”
Plusithadbeentoohardsittinginclassesasmyperiodsgotworseandworse.Thecramps,theanemia.Workingfromhomewasjusteasieronme.AndIenjoyedhavingmyownbusiness.Iwasfinallyhavingfunwithmylife.
“YourmomisolderthanIpictured.Howoldisshe?”heasked.
“Sixty-seven.Shegotpregnantwithmewhenshewasforty-three.Acompleteshock.Shedidn’tthinkshecouldgetpregnant.”She’dhadthesameissuesIdidbutlesssevere.“Ibasicallyruinedherlife.Hercareer,herretirementplans—allputonhold.”
I’dbeenatwin.She’dlostmybrotherinthefourthmonthofherpregnancy.Ifshehadtobestuckwithababy,atleastitcouldhavebeentheboysomydadcouldpassdownthefamilyname.Butno.She’dgottenthegirlinstead.IdisappointedherbeforeIwasevenborn.
HowdifferentlyJoshandIhadgrownup.Hisparentshadtriedforaboy.Hewasexactlywhattheywantedwhenhecame.Andhewasprobablylovedandcherishedbyeverymemberofhisfamily.
Likehewaslovedandcherishedbyme.
Wewerewatchingeachother.Enjoyingoneofourcomfortablesilences.Hewasadorable.Hishairwasalittlemessy,hisT-shirttightoverhisbroadchest.
ForamomentIthoughtaboutwhetherornotIcouldkeepdoingthis.Ididn’tknowifIcould.BecauseevenifIwassuccessfulatkeepinghimfromlovingme,Iwasfailingmiserablyatnotlovinghim
Ithoughtaboutwakingupwithmyfacepressedagainsthisheartthismorning,howhe’dmanagedtofinaglehimselfintomyroomlastnight.
Joshwasmydrug,mydealer,andthatreallytoxicfriendwho’salwayspushingyouintobreakingyoursobriety.
Hewaslikethatpuppythatyouswearwillneversleepinthebed.It’ssofuckingcute,butyouhavetobethepackleaderandlaydownthelaw.Thenitstartscryingfromthelaundryroomandyouendupgivingintheveryfirstnight.
“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”heasked.
“Drugdealersandpuppiesinlaundryrooms.”
Helaughed.“Ofcourseyouare.”
“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”
“I’mthinkingthatyourdadmusthavebeenprettycool.”HetookanothersipofhisBloodyMary.
“Whatmakesyouthinkthat?”
Heshrugged.“Ahunch.Youlostyourdad,right?”
“Yeah.WhenIwastwelve.Hehadaheartattack.AfewmonthsbeforeImetSloan.”
“Whatwashelike?”
Alittlelikeyou.
Iletoutaslowbreath.“Hewasfun.Andlaidback.You’dhavetobetolivewithawomanlikethat.Hewasaliteratureprofessor.”
Momhadlistenedtohim.Hesoftenedher.Andwhenhedied,she’dgonefromdifficulttoimpossible.
Ourfoodarrived,andIbreathedasighofrelief.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutmeanymore.
MySpanishomeletactuallylookedprettygood.Ipushedmyhashbrownsoverwiththesideofmyforkandmovedthetoastsonothingtouched.
“What’syourfamilylike?”Iasked.
Hegrinnedandpuffedairfromhischeeks.“Well,let’ssee.Myparentsareinsanelyinlove.DadworshipsthegroundMomwalkson.They’vegottwelvegrandkidssofar,soholidaysbackhomearelikeaGreekwedding.Mysistersareallfiercelyindependentandcompetitivewitheachother.Theyfightoverprettymucheverything,butthey’resupercliquedup.Rightnowthey’reallunitedintheircrusadetogetmetomovebackhome.”
Hesaltedhiseggs.“Hey,Tylerdidn’tlethertalktoyoulikethatinfrontofhim,didhe?”
Itookmyfirstbite.Itwasperfect.Ifeltmymoodimprovealmostimmediately.“No.Shedidn’ttalktomelikethatwithhim.Shelikedhim.”
Ithadbeenareprieve.I’dfinallydonesomethingright.
“Why?”heasked,puttingketchuponhishashbrowns.
“Tylerwassophisticated.Shelikedthat.”
“Oh,”hesaidflatly,andIrealizedwhatIhadimplied.
ButJoshwasn’tsophisticated.Hedidn’tlikethetheater—helikedmovies,likeIdid.Hepreferredhunting,notartgalleries.Pizzaandbeertotapasandwine.
Andhewasperfect.
“Doyoumissyourfamily?”Iasked,changingthesubject.
Heshrugged.“I’mgladI’mnotthereeveryday.Itcouldgettobeabitmuch.”Hetookabiteandchewedforamoment.“YouknowwhatIthinkthetricktodealingwithfamilyis?I’vebeenthinkingaboutthisalotlately.”
“What?”Isaid,spreadingstrawberryjamonmytoast.
“Marryingyourbestfriend.”Hewipedhismouthwithanapkin.“Youmarryyourbestfriend,andatfamilygatheringsyoudealwithyourshittyrelativestogether.Youlaughaboutitandhaveeachother’sbacks.Sharelooksandtexteachotherfromacrosstheroomwheneveryoneelseisbeinganasshole.Andnobodyelsereallymattersbecauseyouhaveyourownuniverse.”
Heheldmyeyesforamoment.“That’swhatIwant.Iwantsomeonetobemyuniverse.”
He’dhavenoproblemfindingthat.Noproblematall.Joshcouldhaveanywomanhewanted.Afterall,hewasthesun.Warmandvital.Hewouldbethecenterofabigfamilyoneday,justlikehewanted,andthey’dalladorehim.
AndIwasjustsomepassingcomet.Momentarilydistracting.Uselessandunimportant.Iwasnicetolookat,funtoobserve,butI’dnevergivelifeorbethecenterofanything.
I’dstreakthroughandbegone,andJoshwouldforgetmebeforeweknewit.TWENTY-ONE
Josh
ItwasthreeandahalfweekstoBrandon’swedding,twoweekssincebrunchwiththeIceQueen.
KristenandIhadfallenintoanewnormal.Whenwehungout,itwaslikebefore.Friendsonly.Notouching.Nokissing.Andoccasionally,aslongaswehadsexfirst,she’dletmesleepinherbedandholdher.Butonlyifwehadsex.Toher,theholdingafterwardwasallpartofit,Ithink.Thesecondweleftthebed,wehadtoshiftbackintofriends-onlymode.Ofcoursethisjustmademethatmuchmoreintentonmakingsureweendedupinbed.NotthatIneededanotherreasontohavesexwithher,butnowIwasonamission.
IwishedIcouldputanarmaroundheronthecouchwhenwewatchedTVorkissherwhenwepassedinthehallway,butherruleswererigid.I’dtriedholdingherhandonceonawalkwithStuntmanMikeandshefuckinglostitonme.Didn’ttalktomeforthreedays,almostbrokethingsoffoverit.SaidIdidn’t“get”whatfriendswithbenefitsmeant.
Afterthat,Ididn’ttrytomakemovesonheroutsideofherrules.Sheobviouslywasn’treadyforanemotionalrelationship.Itfuckingsucked.ButwhatwasIgoingtodo?Ithadn’tevenbeenamonthsinceTyler.IguessIcouldn’tblameherforbeinghesitanttoletmegetclosetoherjustyet.
SheaskedmeallthetimeifIwasgoingondates,likesheneededtomakesureIwaskeepingupthatendofthebargain.AtfirstIwashonest—toldherno,Iwasn’tseeingotherpeople.Butshegotreallyworkedupaboutit.
Reallyfuckingworkedup.
Saidifourarrangementwaskeepingmefromdating,weshouldendit.Ithinkshefeltbadshewasn’treadytocommittomeanddidn’twantmetomissoutonfindingsomeonewhowas.SheknewIwantedtogetmarried,havekids.ThatIalreadyfeltlatetothegame.
SoIlied.
I’dsayIwasmeetingsomeonefordrinksandthenI’djustgohomeforthenightandsitaround.Maybegotothegym.Whenshe’daskmeaboutmyfakedate,I’djustshrugandsaywedidn’thaveaconnection.Thatseemedtoplacateher.
Buttheweirdthingwas,asmuchasshepressuredmetoseeotherwomen,Ididn’tthinkshewasseeingothermen.
Sheonlyeversentmeordersfromherlaptop.SowhenIwasatthefirestationandIgotanorderat10:00atnight,Iknewshewasathomesittingonthecouchgoingthroughemails.Notonadate.ThenI’dwaitanhourorsoandreplywithadumbquestionabouttheorder.Ifsherepliedrightaway,Iknewshewasstillsittingonthecouchworking.Shealwaysreplied.
Onmydaysoff,whenIcameover,sheneverdidanythingotherthanhangoutwithme.Sheneverlefttheroomtotakecalls,andshedidn’tdisappearformysteryappointmentsorgivemeanyreasontobelieveshewaskeepingtoherpromisethatshe’ddateotherpeople.
Sowhy,then,didn’tshewanttobeexclusive?Becausebyallaccounts,Iwastheonlymanshewaswith.Andthatwasagoodthing,becauseIdidn’tthinkIcouldhandleitifIwasn’t.
IwasjustpatientlywaitingforhertomoveonfromTyler.Iwasn’treallysureIwasactuallymakingprogress,butatleastthingsdidn’tseemtobegettingworse.
Therewassomethingtobesaidforthat.
Itwasalittleafter5:00p.m.whenablackSUVpulledintothedriveway.SinceIworkedwiththegaragedooropen,I’dbecometheunofficialdoormanforDogletNation.Isignedforallthepackages.
Thisdidn’tlooklikeadeliverythough.Thedriverwasamaninsunglasses.Hegotout,andsomethingtoldmeIwasn’tgoingtolikewhothiswas.
Theguywasgood-looking.Tallerthanme.Heworkedout—thatmuchwasobvious.Hewaswelldressed,maybemyage.
Hecamestraightintothegaragewithaconfidencethattoldmehehadofficialbusinesshere.Someonewho’dbeenherebeforeandhadarighttocomeback.
“YoumustbeJosh,”hesaid,takingoffhisglassesandofferingmehishand.
Hehadanaccent.NotexactlySpanish,somethingelse.Moreexotic,foreign.Hewasn’taclient.Nowaythisguyownedapursedog.
“I’mTyler,”hesaid,shakingmyhand.“IsKristenaround?”
Hot,thickjealousysearedthroughme.
ThiswasTyler?ThisguylookedlikeanA-listactorinagoddamnactionmovie.
HowthefuckhadBrandonnotsaidsomethingaboutthis?ItwasallIcoulddotokeepmyexpressionflat.
“She’sinthehouse.Issheexpectingyou?”Icrossedmyarmsovermychest,notmakinganymovetotakehiminside.
Helookedtowardthedoorthatledintothelaundryroom.“No,”hesaid,hisvoicelowering.“Sheisnot.”
Heseemedtonoticemyrigidposture,andhesizedmeup.“YouwereintheMarines.”HeeyedtheMarineCorpstattooonmybarechest.
“Infantry,”Isaid.
“Gunnysergeant.”
Heoutrankedme.ButthenIwasn’tacareermilitarymanlikehewas.
ButheoutrankedmewithKristentoo.
Heseemedtobeawareofthis.SomethinginhiseyesmademefeellikeIwasthehelp.Thelowlysecurityguardgivinghimshitabouthisbadgeatabuildinghehadfullsecurityclearancein.
Hisgreen-eyedstarewascool.“Iwanttothankyouforstayingwithmygirlfriendwhilethepoliceworkedoutwhowascomingintotheyard.Itmadeherfeelsafetohaveyouthere.”
Possessivenessgrippedme.“Ex-girlfriend.She’syourex-girlfriend.”
Hisjawflexed.
Ididn’tlikethisfucker.Ididn’tlikethathewasthereasonwhyKristenwasn’topentodatingme.Ididn’tlikethatsheobviouslycaredforhimmorethanshecaredforme.Ididn’tlikethathewasbetterthanme,andIdidn’tlikethathe’dhurther.Iglaredathim.
Heglaredback.
“Nicetomeetyou,”hesaidstiffly,andhestartedforthedoor.
Iputahandtohischest.“I’lltakeyouin.”
Helookeddownatmyhand,andIwatchedhimbristle.
Makeamove,asshole.Ifuckingdareyou.Givemeareason.
Hiseyescamebackupslowly,andIsawmyownhatredreflectedinhisstare.
Heknew.HeknewI’dhadher.
Andhewastheonewho’dprobablygether.
Butinthatmomentwehadanunderstanding.Thiswasmyhouse.Atleastrightnowitwas.Andifhewantedtogoin,itwouldbemewhotookhim.
ImadehimstandthereforatensecoupleofsecondsbeforeIturnedforthedoor.TWENTY-TWO
Kristen
Thegaragedooropened,andIcalledoutbeforeJoshcamearoundthecorner.“Hey,doyouwanttotrythatThaiplaceinaminute?Wecouldwalk.They’vegotthatteayoulike.”
Isatonthefloorsortingmyshipmentofnewplaiddogharnesses.Thesizingseemedoff.Theextrasmallslookedlikesmalls,andthesmallslookedlikemediums.IwasponderingthisasIlookedupjustasJoshwalkedinwithTylerdirectlybehindhim.
Mybreathingstopped.
Stuntmanlosthisever-lovingshit.HedoveoffthesofaandwentrightforTyler’sankles.Inonefluidmovement,Joshscoopedhimupbeforeheattacked.
Mydogyappedandsnarled,andJoshstoodthereforamomentbeforehefinisheddepositingTylerthewayhedroppedoffaboxwhenIwasonthephone:Hemadeeyecontactwithme,sethimbythedoor,andleft.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ibreathed.
Goddamn.Helookedgood
Imean,heusuallylookedgood.Butthatthingthatalwayshappenedwhenhe’dcomebackfromleave,thatmomentofinstant,primalattractionthatsmackedmeinthefaceandremindedmewhathaddrawnmetohiminthefirstplace—thatthinghappened.
Heworealong-sleevestripedbutton-downshirtrolledupattheelbows,withpressedblackpantsandatanbeltandshoes.Hisbrownhairwasthickandcombed,andhehadafive-o’clockshadow.HeworethesilverwatchIgothimlastChristmas.
“Youwon’tanswermycalls,”hesaid,slippinghishandsintohispockets.
Helookedwounded.Slightlyslumped.I’dneverseenhimanythingbutconfidentandsmiling.
“WhywouldI?”Igotupandcrossedmyarms.“We’reover,so…”
Sadnessflickeredacrosshisface.
Forthefirsttimesincewe’dbrokenup,itoccurredtomethatthishadbeenhardonhim.
Ijustthoughthiscareerwasmoreimportant,andhewasrelievedhewasn’tgoingbacktocivilianlife.Fromhisapologetic“Ireenlistedwithouttalkingtoyou”message,Igottheimpressionthatwhilethebreakupwasanunfortunateby-productofhisdecision,heunderstooditwasthechoicehe’dmadeandwasatpeacewithit.
Hetookasteptowardme.“Kris,canwetalk?”
“Talk.Goforit,”Isaiddefensively.“Butdoitfromthere.”
Heglancedbacktowardthegarage.“Letmetakeyousomewhere.Anicerestaurant.Wherewecansitdownanddiscussthings.”
Iscoffed.“I’mnotgoinganywherewithyou.Youhavetwominutes.Saywhatyoucametosayandgetout.”
Hisjawflexed.“Kris,I’mnotleavinguntilwetalk,andit’sgoingtotakealotlongerthantwominutesformetosaywhatIcametosay.Sounlessyouplanonhavinghimthrowmeout”—henoddedtothegarage—“thenlet’sgosomewhereprivate.”
Thesetofhismouthtoldmehemeantit.Hewasn’tleavinguntilIlethimtalk.IthoughtofJosh,ofhimwalkinginandoutofthehousewhileTylerandIhadwhatwasprobablygoingtobeareallyshittyconversation.
Irolledmyeyes.“Fine.”Igrabbedmypurseoffthecoffeetable.“Let’sgo.”
Helookedovermyoutfit.Iwasinshorts,flip-flops,Ihadasweatertiedaroundmywaist,andIworeaT-shirtthatreadTHEMOREIMEETPEOPLE,THEMOREILIKEMYDOG
Tylerlikedexpensiverestaurants.Thefoodondeploymentwasterrible,sowhenhecamehome,hewantedtotreathimself.We’dprobablyendupatsomefancyfusionplaceorsomething.I’dbeepicallyunderdressed,andIdidn’tgiveashit.
“You’renotgoingtogetchanged?”heasked.
“Nope.”Imarchedpasthimtothefrontdoor.“You’lljusthavetomakemyexcusestothema?tred’.”Istompedoutside.
HeranaroundmetothepassengersideofhisSUVandheldmydooropen.IgotingrouchilyandstaredintothegarageasTylerslippedintothedriver’sseat.
JoshstoodoverastaircaseholdinganailgunwithStuntmanleashedbyhisfeet.Joshlookedatmeforaflickerofasecondbeforeheturnedbacktohisproject,hisjawtight.Iwonderedwhathethoughtofallthis.
Stuntmanbarkedandstrainedagainsthisleashaswepulledoutofthedriveway,andIcouldn’tshakethesuperweirdfeelingIwasleavingmyfamilybehind.
Tyler’ssandalwoodcolognewasmoreconcentratedintheclosedSUV.ItblastedmyfacethroughtheAC,familiarandnewatthesametime,stirringfeelingsofnostalgiainmyheart.
“Imissedyou,”hesaid.Hereachedformyhand,butIyankeditaway.
Theheavy-dutydoorthatI’dstashedTylerbehindrattledandshookandthenitburstopen.Atornadoofemotionsrotatedaroundme,andIcouldn’tprocessanyofthem.AllIknewwasthatthegeneralconsensuswasthatIwaspissed.
Ifeltindignantabouthimmakinghischoicewithoutthecourtesyofevenspeakingtomefirst.
TherewasguiltthathewasnolongerthelastmanI’dsleptwith.ThatI’djumpedonJoshliterallywithinminutesofusbreakingupwithoutsomuchasatwingeofregret.
Hurtthatheseemedhurt.
Confusionastowhyhewasevenhere.
SurprisethatseeinghimmademewonderwhyI’dbeensonervousaboutusmovingintogether.
Angerthathedidn’thavemoreofaneffectonmewhenwewerestilltogethersoJoshmighthavehadless.
Outragethathehadn’tkepthispromisessoIwouldhavetokeepmine.
Pissed.
ThatwasthemuddiedsummaryofhowIfelt.Iwasjustpissed.
IglancedatTyler.HeseemedtobeupsetthatIhadn’tlethimholdmyhand.Hisfacehaddarkened.“Areyousleepingwithhim?”
Webothknewwhohewastalkingabout.Therewasnoreasontoactcoy.
“Thatisnoneofyourbusiness,”Isnapped.
“Wereyousleepingwithhimwhenweweretogether?”Hedidn’tlookatme,buthisknuckleswerewhiteonthewheel.
Ifumed.“Youknowwhat?Stopthecar.Letmeout.”Iunbuckledmyself.
“Kris—”
“Fuckyou,Tyler.Iwasfaithfultoyou.AndIdidn’tdothisshittoourrelationship.Youdidit.Ifyoudidn’twantmesleepingwithotherpeople,youshouldn’thavebrokenupwithme.Yougaveuptheprivilegetobebutthurtthesecondyouleftmethatvoicemail.”
Hedidn’tstopthecar.
“Okay,”hesaidafteramoment.“Okay,Iapologize.Iknowyouwouldn’tdothat.Ijust…seeinghowhewasaboutyou,I…I’msorry.”
Howwasheaboutme?Whatthefuckhappenedinthegarage?Iwasn’tgoingtoask,butwhatthehell?
Wedroveinsilenceforseveralminutes.Whenhefinallyspokeagain,hisvoicewasalmostawhisper.“Doyoulovehim?”
Iignoredhim.Thisanswerwasonethathurttoadmittomyself.Iturnedtothewindowandtriedtosortmyfeelingsbystaringoutatthefreeway.
Asexpected,hepickedsomeridiculouslydim,hoity-toityseafoodplaceinMalibu.Ourtablewasunderastupidlampmadeoutofcoralwithaviewoftheocean.HepulledmychairoutformeandIrefusedtosit,glaringathimuntilhemadehiswayaroundthetabletohisownseat.
I’dhadenoughofhischivalry.Iwantedtogetthisoverwith.AsfarasIwasconcerned,thiswholethingwastoolittle,toolate.
Isatandsquintedatthemenu.Iwasstarvingandirritable.Thedrivehadtakenforty-fiveminutesinrushhour.JoshandIwouldhavebeendoneeatingdinneralready.Joshneverletmegetthishungry.Hewouldhaveputmeinthepassengersideofthecar,closedthedoor,tappedtheglasswithhisknuckle,andpressedabagofchipsagainstmywindow,grinningwiththosefuckingdimplesofhis.JoshwouldhavetakenmesomewhereIwantedtogo,andhewouldhavewantedtoeattheretoobecausewelikedthesamefood.
Aserverputabreadbasketbetweenus.Itwasn’tevenbread—justweird,jaggedpaper-thincrackerswithsesameseedsonthem.Ittotallytriggeredme,andIinstantlyfelthangryandmoreannoyed.
“Thetunatartareissupposedtobeexcellent,”Tylersaid,histoneconciliatory.
“Isit?”Islappedthemenuclosedanddroppeditonthetablewithasmack.“OrderformebecauseIhaveliterallynoideawhatthehellI’mlookingat.”
“Wecouldgosomewhereel—”
“Nope.Let’sdowhatyouwant.Always,”Ibitback.“Let’shavealong-distancerelationshipthatleavesmealoneformonthsatatimewhileyoudoyou.Andlet’seatwhatyouwanttoeat.Becauseyou’retheimportantonehere,right?”
Itwasn’tfairandIknewit.I’dsignedupforamilitaryrelationship.ButIwasn’trationalatthemoment—Iwashungry.
Ileanedforward.“Orderoysters.Idareyou.”
AllIneededwasshellsfilledwithsnotsetinfrontofusformetocompletelylosemyshit.
Hepressedhislipsintoaline.HeseemedtosenseIwastoohungrytobereasonedwith.Sowhentheservercameback,Tylerplacedourorder,watchingmethewholetimefromthecornerofhiseyelikeImightflipthetableorsomething.
Afterwardhetriedagaintoreachformyhands.
“Kristen—”
“What?”Iputmyhandsinmylap.“Saywhatyouhavetosay,anddoitwithouttouchingme.”
“Kris—”
“Youbrokeupwithmeinavoicemail.TwoyearsandIgetavoicemail.”
EverythingIdidafterthatwasfairgame.
Histhickeyebrowsdrewdown.“Icouldn’tgetyouonthephone.Itriedfordays.Wherewereyou?”
HangingoutwithJosh.Panickingthatyouwerecominghome.
“Youcalledtwice,Tyler.Imissedtwophonecalls,soyoudecidedtoreplanourliveswithoutdiscussingitwithme?”
Theindignationsurgedagain.“Doyouknowwhatit’sliketohaveaboyfriendyoucan’tcall?Tonotknowwhereyouarebecauseit’sclassified?Toneverhaveadateforthings?Togotoweddingsalone?Ididthisforyouforyears.Andthefirstthingyou’resupposedtodoforme,youbailonme.”
Isnatchedoneofthecrackersfromthebreadbasketandtookagrumpybite.“Whataboutmysurgery?”Iwavedthecrackeraround.“IcouldhavehaditmonthsagoandhadSloantakecareofme,butnooooo.Youtoldmetowait.Youwantedtobethereforme.”Iputmyfingersinquotes.“Thanksforallthemonthsofextraneedlesssuffering.Andwhataboutthatbighouseyoumademegetsoyou’dhaveroomforyourthings?IguessI’lljustcontinuetofootthatenormousrent,right?”
Iglaredathim,sittingbackinmyseat.“Oh,andyouknow,youreallyfuckedmeoverwithEvelyntoo.Tossedmerightintothelion’sden.Sothanksforthat.”
Heletoutaslowbreath.“Iknow.AndI’msorry.”Hedraggedahanddownhisface.“Ineedyoutoknowthatthiswasn’tbecauseIdidn’twanttobewithyou.Itwasneverthat.Thisjustwasn’tthelifeIwanted,Kris.ThemilitaryisallI’veeverknown.”
“Fine.”Icrossedmyarms.“Soyou’redoingwhatyouwant,asusual.Youmadeyourchoice.Youdiditwithoutincludingme.WhyamIhere?”
“Don’tyouevenmissme?”
Thequestionhitmeintheheart.Hiseyesbeggedme.Beggedmetomisshim.
Notreally.NotuntilIsawyouandIletyououtofyourstorageroom.NowI’mconfused…
…Josh.
Anurgetotalkhimoutofwantingmetookhold.
“Youknow,it’sforthebetteranyway,”Isaid,tossingahand.“BecauseI’mnotevenmyselfaroundyou.Youwouldhavehatedlivingwithmeonceyoureallygottoknowme.”
Hejustlookedatme,hiseyesgoingsoftlikeheknewwhatIwasdoingandthoughtitwascute.
“Okay,youdon’tbelieveme?Thisplace—”Ithrewahandupattherestaurant.“Idon’tlikeeatingatplaceslikethis.Whatthefuckissquidinkpasta?Igotoplaceslikethiswithyoubecauseyoulikeitandyouonlygettochoosewhereyoueat,like,fifteendaysoutoftheyear.”
Iputahandtomychest.“IamveryopinionatedaboutwhereIwanttoeat.Youdon’tevenknowthat.ThatisacorepartofwhoIamasaperson,andyouhaveneverseenthatsideofme,Tyler.”
Thecornerofhismouthcameupintoasmall,amusedsmile.
“Thisisnotfunny.I’mbeingtotallyserious.Igetveryeasilyannoyed.I’mimpatientandmoody.Ihatealmosteveryone.Wedon’tevenreallyknoweachother.Allyou’veeverseenismeatmybest,beingagreeableandwearingmakeup.Thatisnottherealme.”
Joshknowstherealme.
Iwenton.“Youreenlisted.It’sdone,andmypositiononanotherdeploymenthasn’tchanged.I’mnotdoingit.Wearenotgettingbacktogether.SoIappreciatetheexplanationandtheface-to-face.Butnoneofthischangesanything.”
Heleanedontothetablewithhisforearmsandspokedirectlytomyeyes.“Iloveyou.”
Myheartclenched.
I’dheardthewordsonthephoneahundredtimes.He’dwrittentheminletters.Butithadbeenalmostayearsincehe’dlookedmeintheeyeandsaidittomyface.Andnowthathedid,therewasnoquestionthathemeantit.
Hewaited,butIdidn’tsayitback.Iwasn’tsureifIlovedhim.
Iwasn’tsurethatIdidn’t
SomeonedroppedoffsomeweirdsaladswhileTylerandIstaredateachothertenselyacrossthetable.Thegreenmenageriesmelledfaintlylikeseaweed,andIactuallyfeltalittlenauseouslookingatit.TheonlythingIrecognizedontheplatewasacherrytomato,andeventhatwasyellowinsteadofred.Ipushedtheplateawayandcrossedmyarms,scowling.
Iwantedtoputoutthestupidromanticcandleflickeringbetweenus.Igrabbedtheglassvotiveanddumpedmywaterintoit,andTylerwrinkledhisforeheadatmelikeI’dgoneinsane.
“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”Iasked.“Closure?Forgiveness?”Ipickedupthesloshingvotiveandmoveditnexttothesaltandpeppershakers.
Hisgorgeousgreeneyescanvassedmyface.“Doyourememberthedaywemet?”
Iscoffed.“Ofcourse.Youweresolame.HowcouldIforget?”
Hesmiled.“You’dconvincedthepianoplayerinthatbartoletyouplay.Itwasincredible.Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffyou.”
Thecornerofmyliptwitched.ItwasthelasttimeI’dplayed.Twoyearsago.
IhadaboothatapettradeshowinOrangeCounty,andIwasstayingthenightaloneinahotel.Ihadafewdrinksinme,andnobodythereknewme.Thenoteshadsoaredfrommyfingers,andIsawhimthereacrosstheroom,underalightatacocktailtablelikeascenefromamovie.
Everythingaroundhimhadblurred.
Hecontinued.“Iaskedyouyourname,andthenIwroteitincalligraphyonanapkin.Andyoulaughedatmeandaskedmeifthateveractuallyworkedonanyone.”Hesmirkedalittle.“Itdid,youknow.Itworkedoneverygirlbeforeyou.”
Thismademesmile,andIfeltmyselfsoften.“YouweresowelldressedIthoughtforsureyouweregay.”
Helaughed,hiseyesdistantlikehewaspullingupamemory.“Afteryougavemeahardtimeformystupidpickuptactic,Itriedtobuyyouadrink.Yousaidallyouwantedwasanewnapkin.SoIgotyouone,andIfoldeditintoanorigamiswan.Thatreallypissedyouoff.”
Isnorted.Thedamnorigamiswan.Istillhadit,thoughI’dneveradmitit.“Iwasprettysaltythatday.Ihadnopatiencefordesperateactsoforigami.”
Hechuckled.“YoutoldmeifIcouldbeatyouatthumbwarIcouldhaveyournumber.”
Yeah.Ihadn’tseenthatwincoming.I’dneverbeenbested.Hehadsurprisinglyagilethumbs.
Irememberedhowmyhearthadflutteredwhenourhandshadtouched.I’dbeenimmediatelyattractedtohim.Thechemistrywasinstantaneous.
Heshookhishead.“I’dnevermetawomanlikeyoubefore.Youtoldmetogotohellandmademelookforwardtothetrip.”
Hescootedhischairaroundsohewassittingcatty-cornertome.Ourkneestouched,andasmallthrillranthroughme.
HowcloseIhadcometolivingwiththisman.Tosharingmylifewithhim.ItcouldhavebeenhimsleepinginthebednexttomeinsteadofJosh,mycuddlyteddybear.
Tyler’spiercingeyesseemedtoreachintomysoul,andIcouldn’tlookaway.
“Icouldn’tthrowmycareeraway,Kris.IworkedtoohardtogettowhereIam.Theydangledanopportunityinfrontofme,Ipanicked,andIdidsomethingstupid,andI’veregrettediteverydaysince.”
Heletoutashakybreath.“ThemorningafterIleftyouthatmessage,IwokeupandIfeltlikeI’dburiedmyselfalive.Itriedtocallyourightawayand…”Heshookhishead.“Thissilencehasbeenlikeasiege.I’vebeensodesperatetogettoyouIalmostwentAWOL.Youhavenoideahowhardit’sbeen.I’vebeenoutofmydamnmind.”
Hereachedformyhandagain.HisexpressionwassorawIthoughtitmightbreakhimifIjerkedaway,soIreluctantlylethimtakeit.Histouchsentanunexpectedjoltthroughme.Ashiverofmemory.
Helookeddownatourhandsashethreadedhisfingersinmine.Myheartbegantopound.
Irememberyou.
Tylercamefloodingbacktomelikehistouchbrokeaforgetspell.
Iknewthisman.Iknewthewayhesmelledandtasted.Icouldrecognizehismoodsinasingleword.Irememberedthelookinhiseyeswhenwemadeloveandthesmileonhisfaceinthemorningwhenwe’dlayinbedtalking,sharingapillow.Irecalledthepainofkissinghimgoodbyeattheairportandtheemptinesswhenheleft.
Iremember.
Helookedatourhandslikeithurthimtotouchme.Hiseyesmovedbackuptomine.“It’sbeenasuckingvoid,Kris.Likesomeblackholethatkeepsgettingwiderandwider.You’rethethingthatIlookforwardto.ThereprieveinthemiddleofwhateverbullshitI’mdealingwith.Ihaveconversationswithyouinmyhead.Istorethingsuptotellyou.Forthelasttwoyears,I’vebeenonacountdownofnothingbutyou,livingmylifeinthedaysbetweenourtalksandmyleave.”
Hepausedandstudiedmyface.Hewaspaintedinregretandsadness.
“Imessedup,”hebreathed.“Ishouldhaveneverdoneit.Ishouldhavejustcomehome.”
Iletoutalongbreath.“Andthenyouwouldhavejustresentedme.”
Fuck,wastherenoscenarioinwhichamancouldjustbewithmewithouthavingtogiveupontheonethinghewantsforhimself?
AttherateIwasgoing,theonlywayI’dendupwithsomeonefortherestofmylifewasifIchokedonsomequesoanddiedonafirstdate.
Ourfoodcame,andweateinsilence.Istaredatmyplate,andhestaredatme.Whenthedisheswerecleared,myangerhadofficiallyrunout.Ireplaceditwithguilt.
“Tyler…”
Helookedatme,hiseyeshopefulatthechangeinmytone.
“Iaminlovewithhim.IthinkI’vebeeninlovewithhimfromthedayImethim.”
Ididn’tseetheneedtolietohim.Ifhewasgoingtobetorturedoverhischoice,Ididn’twanthimseeingmewithrose-coloredglasses.
Hewipedahanddownhismouthandsatbackinhischair,hisfistclenchedonthetopofthetable.“Ifigured,”hesaidfinally,hisvoicelow.
Iwonderedhowheknew.Whataboutmehadgivenitaway?
MaybeseeingJoshhadgivenitaway.
“Areyouwithhim?”heasked.
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
Helookedawayfromme.“Thenhe’safuckingidiot,”hesaid,hiseyesglassy
“It’snothischoice.It’smine.AndIwouldbewithhimifIcould.”
Hestaredwearilyatthebreadbasket.“Butyoudon’tloveme?”Hiseyeswentbacktomine.
Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow,”Isaidhonestly.“Ithinkapartofmewaswithyoubecauseyouweren’treallyreal,youknow?Youweren’theretodealwithmyshittyperiodsandgetsexuallyfrustratedliketheboyfriendsbeforeyou.Youdidn’twantkids,somyissuesdidn’tmattertoyou.Momlovedyou.Youwereeasy.Andthenwedecidedtomakeitreal,andIwasjustsofreakedoutthatyouwerecominghome.Iwasscaredtolivewithyouandmakethatkindofcommitment.ButthenwhenIsawyoutoday,I…”
Hehungonmywords.
Iletoutabreath.“IsawyouandIwonderedwhyIwasscared.IthinkIwouldhavefallenrightbackinlovewithyouthesecondyoucamehome.Butyouneverdid.”
AndIneededyouto.Becauseyouweretheonlythingkeepingmefromthrowingmyselfintotheflames.
Hesqueezedhiseyesshut.Whenheopenedthem,theywerefullofhurt.“Andwhatabouthim?”
Ishrugged.“Whatabouthim?Ican’tbewithhim.Ever.Hewantskids.Sothat’stheendofthat.”
Heshookhishead.“Thisismyfault,”hesaidquietly.“Allofit.Iknewsomethingwastherewithyoutwo.Icouldfeelit.AndIfuckingreenlistedanyway.”Helookedatme,theanguishetcheddeepinhisforehead.“Ididthis.Ipracticallyhandedyoutohim.Iwassostupid.”
“You’renotwrong,”Imumbled.
IwonderedwhatwouldhavehappeneddifferentlyifTylerhadjustcomehome.Ifhewouldhavemovedin.Beenthere.Remindedme,likeIwasremindednow.
Butdeepinside,IknewTylerneverstoodachanceagainstJosh.JoshwouldhavehoveredontheedgesofanyhappinessIcouldhaveeverfoundwithTyler.
Joshwouldhoverontheedgesofmyeverythingfortherestofmylife,Isuspected.
SoImightaswellgetusedtoit.
Tylerpaidthecheckandaswegotuptogo,helookedatme.“Iwanttotakeyousomewhere.”
Hebroughtmetoahotelrightoffthebeach.Ithoughtweweregoinguptotheroof—I’dseenasignforarooftopbar.Butwegotoffonaguestroomfloor.Whenhepulledoutakey,Irealizedhewastakingmebacktohisroom.
“Tyler—”
“Just…please,Kris.Justforafewminutes.”
Heopenedthedoorintoasprawlingspace.Anenormouspanoramicwindowlookedoutovertheocean.Heledmewithahandonmylowerbackintotheroom,andIrealizeditwasn’taroomatall.Itwasapresidentialsuite.
AdiningroomtableforeightsattotheleftwithafreshflowerarrangementonitbiggerthanIwas.Aspiralstaircaseleduptoaloftwithalibraryinitoverlookingagourmetkitchen.
Asleekblackpianowithflickeringcandles,twochampagneglasses,androsepetalsontopofitsatbytheopenbalconydoor.Champagnenestledinshiftingicenexttothepianobench.
He’dobviouslyhadsomethingromanticplannedforusbeforeI’dmadeitclearweweren’tgettingbacktogetherandI’ddroppedthenewsaboutJoshonhim.
Thedayhadn’tgonethewayhe’dhoped.
Ithadn’tgonethewayI’dhopedeither.
“Iwasn’tsureifIshouldbringyouhere,”hesaid.“Iwasn’tsureyouevenwantedtoseeme.Ittookmeawhiletofindonethathadapiano.”Helookedatme,hisgreeneyessearching.“Iwashopingyou’dplayforme.Likethedaywemet.”
Ilookedbackatthepiano.Ididn’twanttoreenactthedaywemet.Ididn’twanttoperformforhimorplaythesegames.
WhatIwantedwastogohome.IwantedtobewithJosh.
Westoodthereinsilence,thedistantsoundoftheoceancrashingthroughtheopenbalconydoor.
Heputahandtomyarm.“Kris?”Hetippedhisheadtocatchmyeyes.“Willyouplayforme?Please?Onelasttime?”
Onelasttime.
Sothiswasit.Ourgoodbye.
Thiswashowitstarted,andthiswashowitwouldcometoanend.Me,sittingonapianobenchwhilehewatchedmeplay.Itwasafittingfinale.Iwasgladwehadit.Gladthathe’dcomeandwe’dsaidthethingsweneededtosay.Itwasbetterthisway.
Ilookedathimamoment.“Allright,Tyler.Onelasttime.”
Itookaseat,placingmyfingersonthekeys.Acool,saltyoceanbreezerolledthroughthedrapes,andIdrewitdeepintomylungsandbegan.
Myminddisappearedintoitself.Ididn’tfeelTylersitnexttome,andIcouldn’ttellyouwhatmusicmyfingerschose,orhowlongIplayed.Fifteenyearsofmusclememorymadeallthedecisions.
Whenitended,itfeltlikecomingoutofadream.IputmyhandsinmylapandfoundTylersittingnexttome,smilinggently,hiseyesteary.
Thenahandcameupundermyjaw,andhewaskissingme.
Itwassoftandcareful,aclosed-mouthedexploration.Butitdrewmeupintohimlikeawarmbreezeliftingakite.Myarmsfoundtheirwayaroundhisneck,andthememoryoftheshapeofhismouthandthefeelofhislipsfilledintheplacesthatusedtoholdquestionmarksanddarkcorners.
Yes,Irememberedhim.Irememberedus
Buthewasn’tJosh.
Thescruffofhisbeardfeltwrong.Hewastootall.Andwhilemyheartpounded,itdidn’treachoutforhim.
Maybeonce,thiswouldhavebeenenough.Imighthaveevenmistakenthisfeelingforlove.
ButnowIknewbetter.
Hepulledaway,ahandstillcuppingmycheek,andIlookedathim,despairpouringoverme.
Thisisasgoodasitwilleverbe.
IfTylercouldn’teclipseJosh,nobodycould.Anditmademestarttocrybecausethewholefuckingthingwascompletelyandutterlyhopeless.
Histhumbmovedalongmyjaw,andhiseyesblinkedbacktears.HeprobablythoughtIwasmovedbythekiss.IguessIwas.Butnotinhisdirection.
“Iloveyou,Kris.I’malwaysgoingtoloveyou,”hewhispered.“Pleaseforgiveme.”
Ilookedawayfromhim,wipingatearfrommycheek.“Icanforgiveyouifyoucanforgivemeback.”
Hewrappedanarmaroundmyshouldersandpressedhischeektothesideofmyhead.
Ourembracewasfulloflossandregretsandwhat-ifs.
Tylerwasaversionofmylife.ApathIcouldhavetaken.ButnowIwassofaroffcourseIdidn’tevenknowwhereIwasgoinganymore.AllIknewwasIwasheadedforadeadend.
AndwhenIgotthere,I’dbealone.
“Kristen,haveyoueverheardoftheredthreadoffate?”Tylersaidoverme.
“No.”Isniffled.
HeturnedmeuntilIsatfacinghim.
“I’vebeenstudyingMandarin,”hesaid,speakingtomyeyes.“LearningalotabouttheChineseculture.AndtherewasastoryIreadthatreallyresonatedwithme.”
Hereachedoutandtenderlywipedatearoffmycheekwithhisthumb.“InChineselegend,twoloversareconnectedbyaninvisibleredthreadaroundtheirpinkyfingers.Thetwopeopleconnectedbytheredthreadaredestinedloversfrombirth,regardlessofplace,time,orcircumstances.Thecordmightstretchortangle,butitcanneverbreak.”
Hiseyesmovedbackandforthbetweenmine.
“Youareontheotherendofmythread,Kris.Nomatterhowfarapartweare,you’retiedtome.IstretchedusandItangledusandI’msorry.ButIdidn’tbreakus,Kris.We’restillconnected.”
Hepaused.Thatpausethathealwaysdidonthephone,theonethattoldmehewasabouttotellmethegoodpart.
Thenhepulledatiny,blackvelvetboxfromhispocketandopenedthelid.
Myheartstoppeddead.OhmyGod.
“Marryme.”TWENTY-THREE
Josh
IfinishedthelastorderKristenhadforme,butIstayed.Iwantedtobetherewhenshegothome.
Iwantedtoseethatshedidcomehome.
Thewaitingwasphysicallypainful.Mychesthurtlikeabeartrapwasclampedovermyheart.Mymindranwild.Wherewerethey?Atarestauranttalking?Oratahotel,inhisbed,makingup?
No.Shewouldn’t.We’djustbeentogetherlastnight.Shewouldn’t,right?
Fuck,eventhethoughtofherlettinghimholdherhandsentmeintoameltdown.
Hewasheretogetbackwithher—Ihadnodoubtinmymind.TheonlythingIdidn’tknowwaswhatshewasgoingtodoaboutit.
Watchingherleavefuckingkilledme.
ButIhadnorighttoheratall.Ididn’tevenhavetherighttobeupset.Thiswastheguy—theoneshe’dbeenheartbrokenoverforthelastmonth.
Hewastheguy,andIwasnoone.
Ipacedthegarage.Ipacedthehouse.ShewasalwayshomewhenIwasthereandthevacancyinsidemademyanxietyworse,reinforcedthewrongnessofitall.SoIwentbackoutsidewhereatleastIwasn’tlookingatheremptycouch.
Mystomachgrumbled,butIcouldn’teat.EvenStuntmanMikewasworkedup.Hekeptcryingandlookingatthedriveway,followingmearoundmyworkstationlikehe’dwitnessedherkidnappingandwaspissedIhadn’tdoneanythingtostopit.FinallyIjustputhiminhissatchelandcarriedhimaroundwithme.
6:00.
7:00.
8:00.
TherewasonlysolateIcouldstaybeforeitbecameobviousI’dbeenwaitingforher.I’dneverworkedpast9:00p.m.before.ButifIleftandjustwenthome,I’dneverknowwhenshecameback,orhowshecameback.Happy?Sad?Tomorrow,wearingthesameclothes?
Andwhatifhedidn’tjustdropheroff?Whatifhecamebacktostaythenight?Ibetthefuckerwouldlovetorubthatshitinmyface.He’dprobablydoagoddamnvictorylap.
Everycarthatdrovebymademyheartpoundandheadjerkup.
MaybeIshouldleave.Ididn’tknowifIcouldhandleseeingthemasacouple.Itoldmyselfifshewasn’tbackby9:00,Iwouldgo.Becausethelateritgot,themorelikelyitwastheywerestayingthenighttogether—hereorelsewhere.AndeitherwayitwasbetterifIdidn’tknowaboutit.
Finally,at8:17,amaroonNissanpulledintothedriveway.
ShecamebackinanUber.
Alone.
Myreliefwasathousand-poundweightoffmychest.Icouldfinallybreatheagain.
Threehours.Theycouldhavejustbeeninarestaurant.Thedrivethere,thedriveback—thateasilycouldhavebeenonehourofthethree.Shedidn’tstaythenightwithhim.Andaftereverything,sheonlygavehimafewhoursanddidn’tlethimcomebackwithher?Maybethiswasagoodsign.
Itookoffthesatchel—I’dratherdiethanletherseemeuseherdogpurse—andmadeitlooklikeIwasbusylayingcarpetonthealreadyfinishedstepsandnotsittinginthegaragewaitingforhertocomehomelikealovesickpuppydog
Shegotoutofthecarandcameinthroughthegarage,holdinghersweaterinherhand,draggingthesleevealongthedriveway.StuntmanMikerantomeether,bouncingandcryingatherfeet,butshedidn’treachdowntopickhimup.
“Hey,”Isaidcasuallyassheapproached.“I’mjustfinishinguphere.”
Shestoppedinfrontofmeandstudiedmewordlessly.Itriedtofigureoutwhathappenedfromthewayshelooked.
Shehadn’tgottendresseduptogooutwithhim.Thatwasgood.Butherlipstickwasgone.Wasthatbecausetheyate?Orbecausethey’dbeenkissing?Hadtheyfoughtthewholetime?Isthatwhyhershoulderswereslumped?Hereyeswerered.Alittlemascarasmeared,likeshe’dbeencrying.
“Josh?Doyouwanttogosingkaraokewithme?”
Iblinkedather.“Karaoke?”
Shesniffed,lookingatmetiredly.“Ifeelaspreecomingon.It’seitheracleaningspreeorasingingspree.Singingmightbehealthier.”
Igrinnedather.“Yeah.Soundslikefun.”
Shesmiledweaklyatme.“Okay.Andyouhavetofeedme.Like,soon.”
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Hedidn’tfeedyou?”Shehadn’teatenbeforetheyleft.They’dtakenoffoverthreehoursago.Damn,thatfuckerplayedwithfire.
Ihopedshewasanightmarethewholetime.
“Hekindafedme.”Shegrimaced.“IhadsomedeconstructedChileanseabasscevichetapenadethingy.”
Iscoffed.“Isthatevenfood?”
“Ihavenoidea.I’mstarving,”shemumbled,turningforthehouse.
Ithadn’tgonewell.Thatwasobvious.Andthey’djustbeenatarestaurant,likeIthought—ashittyrestaurantthatshedidn’tlike,ontopofit.Hehadn’tscoredhimselfanypointswiththatrookiemove.
Hopeswelledinsideme.Maybethiswasthelastwe’dseeofTyler.
Still,shewasdown.
“Iseverythingokay?”Iasked,standing.
Shestoppedwithherbacktomeandletherheadloll.“Fine.”Shepausedforamoment.“Heaskedmetomarryhim.”
Thepunchtomyheartknockedthewindoutofme.What?
Iwasgratefulshewasn’tlookingatmebecauseshewouldhaveseenitonmyface.Icouldn’tcatchmybreath.Ialmostcouldn’tcomposemyselftoanswer.
Iclearedmythroat.“Ohyeah?Whatdidyousay?”
Shewaitedabeatuntilshereplied,talkingoverhershoulder.“Isaidmaybe.”
***
Whileshechanged,Imadeherasandwich—nomayo,onlyonepieceofham,provolone,nocrust—thewayshelikedit.Ihandedittoherwrappedinapapertowelwhenshecameoutofherroom.Shelookedlikeshewantedtocrywhenshetookitfromme.Ihatedseeinghersoupset.
WecalledanUbersowecoulddrink.
AnddrinkIplannedtofuckingdo.
Isaidmaybe.
Hewantedtomarryherandshewasactuallyconsideringit.Ifeltsick.
IntheUber,shesatnexttomewithherlegtuckedunderherinthebackseat,herkneepokingthroughtheraggedholeofherjeans.She’ddonehermakeup.Shegazedwearilyoutthewindow.
Istaredatherhandontheseat.Herringfingerwasbare.Fornow.“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”Iasked.
Shelookedoveratme.“Youwanttotalktomeaboutmyboyfriend?”
Boyfriend.Shecalledhimherboyfriend.Notex-boyfriend.Boyfriend.
Theknifetwistedinmyheart,butthroughsheerwillImanagedtokeepmyvoicelevel.“Sure.Imightbeabletogiveyousomeinsight.”
Iwastornbetweenwantingtoremainblissfullyignorantandneedingtobeinformed.Morbidcuriositywonout.IreasonedthatwhateverwasgoingtohappenwouldhappenwhetherIknewthedetailsornot.Andifshetalkedtomeaboutit,maybeIcouldswayherdecisioninmyfavor.
Shetookadeepbreath.“Well,hereenlisted.Onlythistimehewon’tbeinwarzones.He’llbetranslatingfordignitariesandhigh-rankingmilitarypersonnel.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“Translating?”
“Yeah.He’salinguist.He’sfluentinninelanguages—ten.Maybenowit’sten.Hesaidhe’sstudyingMandarin.Idon’tknow.”
JesusChrist.HowhadBrandonfailedtomentionthatthisjokerwasn’tsomeinfantrymandoinggruntwork?Hewassmart,educated,andgood-lookingtoboot?
FuckingBrandon.Hispenchantforunderstatingthingswaskillingme.Iwascompletelyunpreparedforthisguy.
Sothat’swhytheIceQueenlikedhim.IlookedlikeadamnfuckboynexttoTyler.NowonderKristendidn’twantanythingseriouswithme.
“Hewantsmetomarryhim.We’dmoveoverseas.”Hereyesflitteduptomine.
Mystomachlurched.“Andyousaidmaybe?”
“IsaidIwouldthinkaboutit.”
Iscratchedmycheek,tryingtoactlikenoneofthisbotheredmewhileinsideIwaslosingmyfuckingmind.“Whatareyourreservations?”
Shedidn’tanswerme.
“Sloanwouldmissyouifyoumoved,”Isaid.Nottomentionwhatitwoulddotome.
Butshejusttookadeepbreathandlookedawayfromme.
Shegazedoutthewindow,andIstaredatherwatchingtheroad.Whensheturnedbacktome,hereyeswerefulloftears.Thensheunbuckledherself,slidacrosstheseat,andclimbedintomylap.
Myheartjumpedattheunexpectedaffection.Ipulledherinandtuckedherheadundermychin,breathinginthesmellofherhair.Thefeelofhersmall,warmbodyinmyarmswaslikehome.Therewasnootherwordforit.
Shewashome.
Itwashardtoseehowmuchheaffectedher.ThiswasthesecondtimeI’dseenhercryingandbothtimeshadbeenoverhim.
ThejealousywasalmostmorethanIcouldhandle.
Thiswomanwasmine.Shewasmine,nothis.Whycouldn’thehavestayedawayfromher?Letherjustgetoverhim?
ButthenIrealizedthetruth.Shewasn’tmine—sheneverwas.
I’mhers.
Andit’snotthesamething.
I’dbeenfinebeingpatient,becauseIwasjustwaitingforhertocomeoutofit.Ihadn’tbeenbracedforhimtocomebackintoherlife.Andnow,facedwiththerealitythatImightloseheraltogether,IrealizedwhatI’dknownforweeks.
I’minlovewithher.
AndnowthisguythatIcouldn’tevenbegintocompetewithmighttakeherfromme.
Ifelthelpless.Panicked.Afightresponsetriggeredinsideandithadnowheretogo,becauseIcouldn’tdoshitaboutthis.AllIcoulddowasbeme,andthatwasn’tgoodenough.
Asexthing.Itwillonlyeverbeasexthing.
Sheraisedherheadandplantedasoftkissundermychin,anditalmostbrokemyfuckingheart.Shewasneverlikethiswithme.AndasmuchasIlovedit,itwasallfueledbyherfeelingsforsomeoneelse.HehurtherandIwashere,soIgottobetheonetocomforther.
Butitwassomething.AtleastIcoulddosomethingforherbeyondjustscratchinganitch.
Shewaswithme,holdingme.Lettingmeholdher.IneededtoenjoythemomentbecauseIdidn’tknowhowmanymoreofthemI’dget.
Isqueezedmyeyesshutandforceddownthelumpinmythroat,triedtofocusonherbreathonmyneck,hercheekpressedtomycollarbone—thevulnerabilityshewasgivingmethatIonlyeversawwhenshewassleepingcurledupnexttomeonthosenightswhensheletmein.
Ivowedtomaketonightfunsoshe’dforget.
AndsoI’dhavesomethingtorememberwhensheleft.TWENTY-FOUR
Kristen
Istumbledoffthestage,laughinghysterically.JoshcaughtmeatthebottomofthestepsasIcollidedwithhischest.IfelttherumbleofhislaughterthroughhisT-shirt.
HeworetheshirtI’dstolenfromhimthedaywemet.Thebreweryone.Itlookedsogoodonhim.Hisbroadback,histaperedwaist,thefabrictightoverhiscontouredchest.ItookadeepbreathandtriedtocapturethescentI’dsmelledthatdaywhenIworeit,thatmasculinecedarthatwasJosh.OnceIhadit,Iheldmybreath,notwantingtoletitgo.
I’dhadasmidgetoomuchtodrink.
We’dtakenashotbeforewewenton,andIhadalreadybeentwobeersin.We’djustrapped“NoDiggity”together,andI’dcrackedupthroughhalfofit.Joshwasprettygood.Hediddancemovesandeverything.
Islippedmyarmsaroundhiswaist,hookingmyfingersbehindhisback,andheheldmetohim,smilingdownatme.
Iputmychintohischest.“I’monlyhuggingyoubecausethosecougarsovertherehavetheireyeonyou,”Ilied.“It’smydutyasyourfriendtoprotectyoufromimpendingcougarattacks.”
Hechuckled.“Thanksforclearingthatup.Iwasafraidforasecondthereyouwerehuggingmeforreal.”
Iwoulddoeverythingwithyou.Forreal.
“Ihaveaconfession,”Isaid,gazingupathim.“Idon’treallythinkyou’reabaddriver.”
Hegavemeanamusedsmile.
“What?”Ibitmylip.
“I’mjustthinkingaboutsomethingShawnsaidtheotherday.Thatdrunksandleggingsalwaystellthetruth.”
Isnorted.“Iamnotdrunk.I’mjusttalkingincursive.AndShawnisanidiot.Haveyoueverhadtheurgetotellsomeonetoshutthefuckupwhentheyaren’teventalking?That’showIfeelliterallyeverytimeIseehisface.”Inarrowedmyeyes.“Although,thereissometruthtothatleggingthing…”
Helaughed,thesmilecreasinghiseyesatthecorners.
Ipushedmylipoutintoapout.“Josh?Ineedhotwings.”
Hereleasedme.“Yes,ma’am.”
WewalkedbacktoourredboothtoapoorlysungLolaSimonesong,andheplacedanorder.
Itookalongdrinkofmybeer.“Whydoguysalwayssitfacingthedoor?”Iasked,lickingmylips.
Hesmiledatme.“Dowe?”Helookedovermyshoulderattheentrance.“Huh.Iguesswedo.Maybeit’ssomeprotectiveinstinct.SoIcankeepaneyeoutfordanger.Keepmyswordarmfreetoprotectyou.”Hisdimplesflashed.
God.
Tylerwashandsomeinachiseledsortofway.Likeamodelinablack-and-whitecolognecommercial.ButJosh.OhGod—Josh.Hemeltedme.Hewasateddybear.Awarm,gorgeous,deliciouspieceofeverything.
IwishedIcouldlethimin.Lethimbemyboyfriendifhewantedto.He’dsaidthemorningafterwe’dfirsthookedupthatwecouldbeexclusive.Hewould.Hewantedto.
Hewouldlockthehouseupbeforebedandkissmegoodnight.He’dthrowhisshirtsonmychairandIwouldn’tevencomplainaboutit.StuntmancouldsleepwithusbecausehelikesJosh.Andwhenhewenttowork,IcouldtexthimandtellhimImisshim,andhewouldsayitback,andifIgotmouthy,he’djustlaughatmeandhandlemelikehealwaysdid.Hejustletmymoodsrolloffhim,likenothingaboutmescaredhim,anditmademefeellikeIcouldbemyselfaroundhim.LiketheonlytimeIreallywasmyselfwaswhenIwasaroundhim.
MaybeIshouldmarryTyler.
Imean,whyshouldeveryonebemiserable,right?IfImarriedTyler,hewouldbehappy,Momwouldbehappy.Joshwouldmoveontofertilepasturesandhaveamillionbabies.AndI’dbewithsomeonethatIcaredaboutwhocouldmaybedistractmefromthebrokenheartIwasgoingtocarryfortherestofmylife.
TylerandIgotalong.Itwouldn’tbebad.Itwouldn’tbemeandJosh,buttherewasn’tgoingtobeameandJosh,sodidn’tIhavetoconsidermyalternatives?AndTylerknewIwasinlovewithJosh.Heknewwhathewasaskingwhenheproposed.
Mybestfriendwouldnevertalktomeagain,andmydogwouldprobablyrunaway.WithJosh
IwonderedifTylerwouldeathotwingsanddrinkbeerwithme.
Probablynot.
“Youknowwhatyouneed,Josh?Oneofthosewomenwhosmileswhenshetalks.”
Helaughed.“What?”
“Youknow,oneofthosereallysweetwomenwho’salwayssmiling.Theymakegreatmothers.They’resupportiveandtheyrubyourbackwhenyou’vehadabadday.Theysmelllikecookiesandtheygetlaughlinesandwearscarvestothegrocerystore.”
“Ithinkyou’redrunk.”Hiseyessparkled.
Iwasdrunk.
Hegrinnedatme.“Ilikeyoulikethis.”
“Ihavetotellyousomething.”Imademyfaceserious.“Youcan’tmakefunofme.”
Hesatupandmadehisfacestraighttoo.“What?”
“Earlier?Tylertookmebacktohishotelroom.”
ThehumorinJosh’seyesevaporatedinstantly.
“No.Notthat.Wedidn’tdothat.”Iwavedhimoff.“Hehadthiswholeromanticsetup.Whenwegotthere,hehadchampagneandrosepetalsandcandlesallover.Everywhere.”
Thelevityreturnedtohiseyes.“Ouch.”
“Yup.Igotouttathere.Itreallyfreakedmeout.Becauseyouknowwhy?”
“Why?”heasked.
“Heshouldknow.HeshouldknowIwouldn’tlikethat,right?Thatmeanssomething,doesn’tit?”
Hisexpressiongrewalittleserious.“Yeah,itdoes.”
“AmIabitch?Iam,huh?Thatwasreallysweet,andIshouldhaveappreciatedthat.Iamabitch.Iknewit.”
Hechuckled.“No.You’rehonest.”Heshookhisheadandtalkedintohisbeer.“Andhediditallwrong.”
Ismirked.“Ohyeah?”
“Yeah.”Heputhisglassdown.“Letmeguess—theringwashuge.Bigrock?”
“OhmyGod,Josh,youdon’tevenknow.Itwasenormous.Hedesigneditandhaditmade.Ithadthisredropeofrubiesaroundthebandand…”Itookadeepbreathrememberingit.He’dspentafortuneonitandI’dhatedit.Itwassogaudy.“Why?Whatkindofringshouldhehavegottenme?”
“None.You’dwanttopickyourownring.You’dprobablysaysomethinglike,‘I’mtheonewhohastolookatitforthenextfiftyyears.’Iwouldhavetakenyoutobuyitinsteadofjustspringingitonyou.”
“HowdoyouknowIwouldn’tlikearingsprungonme?”Isaid,narrowingmyeyes.
Hescoffed.“Theonlythingyoulikesprungonyouaresnacks.Youhaveanopinionabouteverything.You’realsoreallypractical.You’dprobablypicksomethingreasonable.Nodiamonds.I’mthinkinganetchedband.Nothingthatwouldneedtoberepairedorcleanedorthatyou’dhavetotakeofftodothedishes.”Heregardedmeforamoment.“Somethingpersonalengravedinside.Somethingonlythetwoofyouwouldget.”
Heknowsme.HeknowsmealmostbetterthanIknowmyself.
Ihadtopressmylipstogethertokeepmyfacestraight.Ichangedthesubject.“YouknowwhatIlikeaboutyou,Josh?”
“Mywaywithsmall,viciousdogs?”
Isnorted.“Ilikethatyoudon’tdothatguythingwhereyoutryandsolveallmyproblems.Guysdothat.Sometimeswejustwanttocomplain.That’sit.Wedon’twantadvice.Wejustwantyoutolisten.You’reagoodlistener.”
Hefiddledwithacoasterandhissmilesankalittle.“Iwouldtryandsolveallyourproblems.”Hiseyescamebackuptomine.“Ifyouwantedmeto.”
God,yes,Iwantyouto.Butyoucan’tandyouneverwill.
Thewaitressdeliveredourwings.
“I’mdoubledipping,”Isaid,grabbingacelerystick.“Ifyoucan’thandlethat,getyourownranch.”
“Ithinkwe’reslightlypastthat,don’tyou?”Hedunkedadrumstick,tookabite,andthendunkeditagain.“Sowhendoesheneedhisanswerby?”
Inibbledontheendofmycelery,notlookingdirectlyathim.“He’sherefortwoweeks.SoIguessbeforeheleaves.”
Hespoketothebasketofwings.“Whatareyouleaningtoward?”
Someonestartedsinging“PushIt.”“Josh!Let’sdance.Willyou?”
IfheknewIchangedthesubjectonpurpose,hedidn’tleton.Hewipedhishandswithanapkin.“Sure.”
Wewalkedoutintothethincrowdofpeopleinfrontofthestageandstartedtodance.
Hehadn’tbeenkiddingabouthavingmoves.Hewasasgoodonthefloorashewasinbed.Wedancedforthreesongs,laughingthewholetime.
ThensomeonestartedsingingareallyhorriblerenditionofJohnLegend’s“AllofMe.”ThewomansingingitwasevendrunkerthanIwas.
JoshandIlookedateachotherandwordlesslymovedtogether.Iwrappedmyarmaroundhisneckandheheldmyotherhandoverhisheart.Hewasstillalittleoutofbreath,andhischestroseandfellagainstmypalm.
I’minlovewithyou.
Theimpulsehitmesohardandfast,Ididn’tevenseeitcoming.
I’msoinlovewithyou.
Howeasilythiscametome.WithTyler,thequestionwasmurkyandconfusing.ButwithJosh,itwasclear.Iwasinlovewithhim.AndIwasinlovewithhimina“weweremadeforeachother”kindofway.
Butweweren’tthough,right?BecausehowcouldIbemadeforhimwhenmybodycouldn’tgivehimchildren?
Myeyesstartedtotearup,andhedippedhisheadtolookatme.“Hey,shhhh.Iknowwhathappenedtodaywashard.”
Hekissedmyforehead,sotenderly,andIfeltsimultaneouslybetterandworse.
Ishookmyheadandburiedmyfaceinhischest.Hedidn’thavethefirstclue.
WhenIlookedbackup,hisconcernedfacehoveredovermine.Iwantedtostandonmytoesandkisshim.Orlethimkissme.Iwantedhimtobetheonetoaskmetomarryhim.IfIcouldbewithhim,I’dsayyestohiminaheartbeat,evenifhediditinsomecringey,cheesyway.Eveniftherewererosepetalsalloverthefuckinghouse.
God,wouldn’twebesomething?Ifitwasn’tforthatonething.Thatonethingthatwaseverything.
Foramoment,inmydrunkenstate,IthoughtIcouldtellhim.Icouldjustblurtoutthetruthabouteverything.Getitoutofme,putitinhishands,lethimfigureoutwhattodowithit.Andthenmaybeitwouldn’tfeelsoheavy.Maybehewouldbeokaywithitandhe’d—
He’dwhat,Kristen?Settle?He’dgiveuphisdreamsforyou?
“I’msoselfish,”Iwhispered.
Heputhischeektomineandspokeintomyear.“You’renot.You’rewonderful.Andyoulookreallybeautifultonight.”
Isniffedandtiltedmyheadbacktolookhimintheeye.“YouknowwhyIalwayslookedlikeaslobaroundyou?BecauseIlikedyou.”
Hepulledhisfacebackalittleandhiseyeswentwide.
“Yeah.IfeltguiltythatIlikedyousomuchwhenIhadaboyfriend.SoIalwaystriedtolookbadinfrontofyousoyouwouldn’tknow.”
Hebeameddownonme.“Sothemudmaskandthecurlersandthatnosestripthing—”
“Allproofofmyenormousladybonerforyou.”
Mybuzzmademecareless.
AndIcouldn’tcareless
“Wow,”hesaid,lookingreflective.“Youmusthavereallylikedme.Youdidn’tbrushyourhairfortwodaysinarowonce.”
Ilaunchedintogigglesandhelaughedwithme,puttinghisforeheadtomine.“AndIstillthoughtyouwerethemostbeautifulwomanI’devermet.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshut,breathinghimin,feelinghisbreathonmyface.Iwantedtoholdthismomentinsuspendedanimation.Thesetenderstolenseconds.Myforeheadpressedtohis,hiswarmhandovermine,hisheartbeatingagainstmypalm.Himslowlyturningmeonadancefloor,tellingmeI’mbeautiful.
Hisdeepvoicespokeovermesoftly.“CanIaskyouaquestion?”
“What?”Iwhispered,openingmyeyes.
“WhatdoesSloanthinkofhim?”
Ilaughed,shakingmyhead.“Sloanhateshim.”
“Why?”
“BecauseshethinksI’vesettled.”
Hefurrowedhisbrow.“Settled?How?Issomethingwrongwithhim?Isheadick?”
Iletoutalongbreath.“No.Hedoesn’twantkids.”
Hescoffed.“Well,thereyougo.Thekidthingistooimportant.Can’tbewithhim.”
Itfeltlikeapunchrighttomyuterus.Ahardlumpboltedtomythroat,andIhadtolookawayfromhimbecauseIwasgoingtocry.
Thereitwas,straightfromhisownlips.
Thekidthingistooimportant.Can’tbewithhim.
Hestoppedturningus,andheputmyfaceinhishands.OnceIwaslookingathimagain,Ilostit.Mychinquiveredandtearsspilledovermycheeks.
Hiseyesmovedbackandforthbetweenmine.“Don’tmarryhim,Kristen.”
Myheartcrackedinhalf.
“Don’tmarryhim,”hewhispered.“Please.”
Therewassomethingdesperateaboutthewayhesaidit.Istudiedthelookinhiseyes.Distress.Longing.Pleading.
Thiswasn’tthelookofamanwhojustdidn’twanttogiveuphisbootycall.Thiswasfeelings.Joshhasfeelingsforme.
Therealizationhitmelikeadeep,cancerous,soul-reachingsadness.TheseemotionsIcouldseehehadforme—theyshouldhavemademehappy.IshouldhavebeenecstatictoknowthatwhatIfeltmaybewasn’tsoone-sided.Butinstead,abitterdisappointmentdescendedonmybodymakingmesoweakIworriedmykneeswouldgiveout.
Ihadtocuthimloose.
ThisthingbetweenushadgoneasfarasIcouldallowittogo.
Iwasn’tgoingtomarryTyler.IthinkI’dknownthatthewholetime.AfterI’dsaidno,he’dbeggedmetothinkaboutit.SoIdid.ButIwasn’tgoingtobewitheitherofthem.Icouldn’t.
Thekidthingistooimportant.Can’tbewithhim.
Icouldn’tloveTylerthewayhedeserved,andIcouldn’tgiveJoshafamily.Icouldnevergiveeithermanwhathereallywanted.TWENTY-FIVE
Josh
KristentoldTylernotohisproposal,andIhadn’tseenherintwofuckingweeks.
Shawn,Brandon,andIstoodontheVegasstripinfrontoftheBellagiofountains,waitingforthewatershowtostart.ItwasBrandon’sbachelorpartyweekend.Itcouldn’thavecomeataworsetime.Iwaslosingmyfuckingmind.Ineededtoseeher.
Icheckedmyphoneagain.Nothing.
Shawnsawmecheckmycell.“Man,she’snotthinkingaboutyourass.Fuck,you’resprung.”
Brandontookadrinkfromhiswaterbottle.“They’regoingintomassages.Sloanjusttextedme.”
SloanwashavingherbachelorettepartytodaybackinCalifornia.IhatedthatIneededtohearaboutKristen’sdayinthethirdperson.Ifuckinghatedit.
Themorningafterkaraokenight,ourcrewhadbeensentasanemergencystriketeamtoSequoiaNationalParktofightawildfire.We’dbeentherefortwelvedays,andKristenonlycalledmeoncethewholetimeIwasgone.Shewouldn’tanswermycallsortexts.She’dgonecompletelycoldonme.
We’dgottenhomejustintimetoleaveforVegas.Ididn’thavetimetogotoherhouse.
Irolledupmysleeves.Itwas2:00intheafternoonandthesidewalkradiatedheat.Sweatytouristsstreamedpastus.Sunburnedspringbreakersdrinkingoutofsouvenircups,aclusterofyoungwomenlaughingastheypassed,huddledaroundafriendinawhiteveil,twomiddle-agedwomenwearingbackpacksandcameras.
Couplesholdinghands.
Shawnlitacigar.“She’sprobablyfuckingsomebodythisweekend,bro.Youshouldhookuptoo.”
“Shutthefuckup,dick.”Ipluckedatthefrontofmyshirt,wonderingoffhandifShawnwasright,andgettingirritablejustthinkingaboutit.
Brandonwavedoffaguyinsunglasseshandingoutflyersforastripclub.“Nochangeatallwithher,huh?”
Ishookmyhead.“She’sbeenoffeversincekaraokenight.”
Itwaslikeanenormoustowerhadcomeuparoundherwithadrawbridge,amoatfullofpiranhas,andmachinegunsontop.ComplimentsofTyler,nodoubt.Ifuckinghatedthatguy.Imean,Ihadn’treallybeenmakingprogresswithherbeforeheshowedup,butatleastshespoketomebackthen.
OneminuteshewassittinginmylapinanUberanddancingwithme,tellingmeshe’dlikedme,andthenextIcouldn’tevengetatextback.
I’dplayedthatlastnightoverandoveragaininmymind,tryingtofigureoutwhatwentwrong.
We’dbeenslowdancing.ItoldhernottomarryTyler.She’dobviouslyagreedIwasrightaboutthatbecauseshe’dgoneoutsidetocallhimandtoldhimnotohisproposal.Thenshe’dcomebackinadifferentperson.
She’dmademetakeherhome,criedthewholewaythere,andwouldn’tletmetouchher.Lockedherselfinherroom,kickedmeoutofherhouse,andshe’dbarelyspokentomesince.
AndIdidn’tfuckinggetit.
ThismorningI’dsentheratextIknewwasrisky.Butifshewasn’tspeakingtomeanyway,whatwastheharm?Thingscouldn’tgetworse.I’dtypedthewords“Imissyou”andstoodstaringatitforasolidfiveminutesbeforeIhitSend.
Thatwasthreehoursago.Sheleftmeonread.
Brandonleanedonhisforearmsagainsttheconcreterailingoverthelake,squintingoutovertheblue-greenwater.“Ihatetosayit,butShawnmightberight.Maybeyoushouldseewhatelseisoutthere.”
Icouldn’tevenlookathim.“Idon’twanttoseewhatelseisoutthere,”Isaidthroughclenchedteeth.“IfthiswasSloan,wouldyouwanttoseewhatelsewasoutthere?”
Fuck,ifanyoneshouldunderstand,itshouldbehim.WhatdiditmeanthatevenBrandonwastellingmetogetoverit?
Heputhishandsup.“Okay.You’reright.I’msorry.Itjustdoesn’tseemlikethissituationisgettinganybetter,andIhatetoseeyouchasingsomeonewho’snotreciprocating.That’sall.”
“She’sjustnotthatintoyou,man.Takethehint,”Shawnsaid,blowingcigarsmoke.“Letmeaskyousomething.”Hetappedashontothesidewalk.“Howmanyofyourhoodiesdoesshehave?”
Iwrinkledmybrow.“None.Why?”
“She’snotintoyou,bro.Bitcheslovehoodies.Ifshe’snotstealingyourhoodies,shedon’twantyourass.”
Thisthrustmedeeperintomydarkplace.Asridiculousasitsounded,italsorangtrue.EvenCelestehadkeptafewofmyhoodiesattheendandshefuckinghatedme.
SometimesIworriedShawnwassomesortofidiotrelationshipsavant.Toomuchofwhathesaidhadaconvolutedwisdomtoit.
Thisterrifiedme.
Still,therewasonething.“Ifshe’snotintome,whydidshecheckuponmethroughBrandon?”
Thiswasweird.ThewholetimeIwasgone,shewouldn’treturnanyofmycallsortexts.Butthen,ondayeightofclearingbrush,I’dgottenmovedtoadifferentfirebreakthanBrandon.Whenhegotoffshift,hetoldSloanhedidn’tknowwhereIwas,andwithinsecondsofBrandonhangingupwithSloan,Kristenstartedblowingupmyphone.ItwastheonlytimeI’dtalkedtoher.She’dsoundedalmostdesperatetoknowIwasokay.
OfcourseassoonassherealizedIwasaliveandnotburnedtodeath,shehungupwithme.Butthat’swhenIrealizedshe’dbeenusingSloan’supdatestokeeptabsonme.Why?WhynotjustansweroneofthemanycallsImade?
Shawnsnorted.“Congratulations,motherfucker.Shecaresifyoudie.”
Iglaredathim.Butitwasn’tjustthat.Icaughtherlookingatmesometimes.Orwhenwewereinbed,shewouldkissmewhenshethoughtIwassleeping.Evenatkaraokenight,shewashuggingmebutshemadealameexcuseaboutit.It’slikeshedidn’twantmetoknowshegaveashit.Likeshe’spretending.
Shawnjabbedhiscigaratme.“Thisiswhatyougetforbeingathirstresponder.”
“Awhat?”Isaidmoodily.
“Athirstresponder,”Shawnsaid,leaninghisbackagainsttherailandcrossinghislegsattheankles.“Athirstymotherfuckerwhohitsonabitchthesecondshe’ssingle.”
Brandonchuckled.
IscowledatShawnandthenturnedtoBrandon.“HasSloansaidanythingaboutit?AnythingaboutTyler?Ordatingotherpeople?”
Brandonshookhishead.“No.Doyouwantmetoaskher?”
“No.”Iwantedtoknow,butIdidn’twantKristentothinkI’dsentBrandontosniffaround.AndSloanwouldknowifhewassniffing.
Idraggedahanddownmyface.I’dgorightbacktoworkatthefirestationwhenIgotbackfromVegas,sothatwouldbetwomoredays.Andthenwhat?I’dcomeoverandshe’dignoremeinperson?Whatthehellhappened?Imean,IknewTylershowinguphadfuckedwithher,butIdidn’tseewhatthathadtodowithme.
Ifuckingmissedher.Icouldn’tunderstandhowshedidn’tmissmeback.Evenonafriendshiplevel,sheshouldmissme.WehungouteveryminutethatIwasn’tatthefirestation.Wewereclose.Couldshereallycarethislittle?
“Ijusthaven’tseenherinawhile,”Imumbled,asifthatexplaineditall.
“Good,”Shawnsaid,grinningattheassesofagroupofwomenwalkingpastinshortskirtsandhighheels.“Lethermissthatshit.Whatup,ladies?Wanttohelpacoupleoffiremencelebrateabachelorparty?”
Theygiggledandsmiledatusbutkeptwalking.
Brandonpulledacigarfromhispocket.“It’snottheworstadvice,”hesaid,lightingamatchandpuffingontheendofhiscigaruntilitlit.“Trytohaveagoodtime.Focusonsomethingelse.”
Musiceruptedaroundus,andthefountainsburstintolife.Aninstrumentalof“Ain’tThataKickintheHead.”Watershotahundredfeetintheairanddancedintimewiththesong,sendingacoolmistoverus.
Itwasavibranthigh-energycontrasttomyshittymood.
BrandonandShawnleanedontherailandwatchedtheshow,andIlookedatmyphoneagain.
Nothing.
IstaredgrouchilyoutoverthecongestedstripattheblacklimosandtaxiswiththeirlightboxesadvertisingshowsIdidn’twanttoseeandsteakhouseswhereIdidn’twanttoeat.WhatIwantedwastogohomeandseeKristen.
Theballwasinhercourt.
Ithadalwaysbeeninhercourt.Thiswashergame.
Maybeshereallydidn’thavefeelingsforme.She’dsaidthatonenightatthekaraokebarthatshe’dhadacrushonme,andthatwasthelastbonesheeverthrewme.Hell,itwastheonlybonesheeverthrewme.AndI’dbeengnawingoniteversince.Atthetime,I’devenbeenalittlehopefulthatmaybe,ifshegaveTylertheboot,itwasthestartofsomethingmorebetweenus.
EverytimeIthoughtIwasgettingclosertomore,itwasrippedawayfromme.
Maybeshewastellingthetruth,thatallitwouldeverbebetweenuswascasualhookupsandnostringsattached.
Maybeeventhecasualhookupsareover.
Whenthewatershowwasdone,Brandonlookedathiswatch.“Iwanttocheckoutthatrarebookstorebeforeitcloses.”
“Yeah,thatsoundslikeagreatfuckingidea,”Shawnsaid.“Hey,letmegetapictureofyouguys.YoucansendittoSloan.”
Brandonrummagedinhispocketandhandedoverhisphone.
“Letmegetoneonyourphonetoo,”hesaidtome.“YoucansendittoKristen.Maybeshe’llprintitandkeepitwhereshekeepsyourballs.”
“Dick.”Iputthephoneinhishand.
BrandonandIposedagainsttherailinginfrontofthelake,andIfakedasmile.ShawnstoodandheldupBrandon’scellforthepicture.ThenhedrewhisarmbackandchuckedBrandon’sphoneoverourheadsintothewater.
“Hey—”BeforeIcouldlungeforit,minewasnext.Thenhetookhisownphone,andlikeafuckinglunatic,hethrewthattoo.
“Whatthefuck?!”Ipushedhim.
Helaughed,takingtheshove.“YoutwomotherfuckersareinVegas!Thisdudewantstogotoafuckingrarebookstore,andyourpussy-whippedassispracticallycryingoversomegirl.I’vefreedyou,bitches!”
EvenBrandonlookedirritated.“You’rebuyingmeanewphone,asshole.”
Shawnpulledoutaflask.“Yeah,yeah.We’llallgetnewshitwhenwewinatthecrapstable.”HeshovedtheflaskintoBrandon’schest.“NomoreSloanandKristen.Noraremotherfuckingbookseither.We’reinVegas,andwe’regonnafuckingdoVegas!”TWENTY-SIX
Kristen
SloanandIstoodinawaist-deeppoolofrust-coloredwater,slappingmudoneachother’sfaces.IstartedherbachelorettepartyatGlenIvy,asprawlingdayspainCorona.
Hottubs,steamrooms,saunas.Werentedacabanabyoneofthepoolsandspentthefirsthalfofthedayloungingandhavingmojitos.We’djustgottenoutofmassagesandwe’dmadeourwaytothemudpit,apond-sizepoolwithapedestalinthemiddlefeaturingaheapingpileofthespa’ssignatureredclay.Weweresupposedtosmackiton,letitdry,andsloughitofftoexfoliateourskin.
Sloan’smom,cousinHannah,andBrandon’ssisterClaudiawerealreadybakingtheirmudintoacrustylayer,lyingunderthesuninloungechairs.
“DidBrandonsaywhatthey’redoingtoday?”Iasked,tryingnottosoundtoointerested.
Sloansmearedmudonherstomach.“Theywerewalkingonthestripthelasttimehetextedme.Andjustsoyouknow,that’sthelastupdateyou’regoingtogetfromme.Ifyoumisshim,callhim.”
Ipressedmylipsintoalineandwipedtwomuddyfingersonhercheek.She’dtauntedmeearlierwithapictureoftheguysontheirmotorcycles.Wouldn’tletmeseeit.ToldmeifIwantedtoseepicturesofJosh,IshouldsendhimanInstagramrequestlikeanormalperson.
“Ican’tcallhim.”
Sherolledhereyes.“Kristen,thisissostupid.”
“It’snot.”
Ghostinghimwasforhisowngood.JoshandIneededareset—especiallyaftersomeofthethingsI’dsaidwhenIwasdrunk.
Joshwasnursingalittlecrushonme—Iwasalmostpositive.Andultimatelyweneededtostophookingupaltogether.ButIcouldn’tcalloffthingswithhimjustyet.OnceIreallythoughtaboutit,Irealizedtherewerecomplicationswiththetiming.Buthistwoweeksonastriketeamweretheperfectopportunitytoputsomemuch-neededdistancebetweenus.Ifhestillwantedtoseemewhenhegotback,I’dseehim.Butfornowthiswastherightmove.
Sloanshookherheadatme.“Youcan’tbeseriousaboutthis.Youmisshim.AndIbethemissesyoutoo.”
Iknewhemissedme.He’dsaiditinatextnotfourhoursago.Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit,wonderingexactlyhowhemeantthattobetaken.Washehorny?DidheseesomethingfunnythatBrandonwouldn’tgetandhewantedtotellmeaboutitanditmadehimwishIwasthere?Ordidhemissme,missme.
Nomattertheanswer,itreinforcedmydecisiontobackhimofftheselasttwoweeks.Heshouldn’tbemissingme.Wewerefuckbuddies—heshouldonlybemissingthesex.Iwasn’tgoingtoencouragehimbyengaging.Nottalkingonthephoneortextinghimhadalwaysbeenahard-lineruleforme,andIneededtosticktoit,nowmorethanever.Ididn’twanttoleadhimon.
“Heseesotherwomen,youknow.Wedateotherpeople,”Isaiddefensively.
“Whoareyoudating?”Shecockedherheadtotheside.
Irubbedmudonmyarms,watchingitsmearovermyskinsoIwouldn’thavetolookather.“IwentonthatonedatewithTyler,”Isaidlamely.
Shescoffed.“That’swhatIthought.Whatifhe’shavingsexwiththeseotherwomen?Doesn’tthatbotheryou?”
Theverysuggestionofitfeltlikeshe’dreachedintomychestandsqueezedmyheart.Yeah,itbotheredme.Itriednottothinkaboutit.Joshwouldhavesexwithotherwomen,andonedayhe’dhavebabieswithoneofthem.Andthatwasjustthewayitwas.
Ishrugged.“He’ssingle,sohecandowhathewants.”
“Hmm.Andsowhydon’tyoudoittoo,then?”
SheknewwhyIcouldn’tdoit.Icouldn’tbewithanotherman.Ididn’twantanyoneelse.
Istuckmyfingerinthepileofredmudonthepedestal.“Iwon’tbehavingsexwithanyoneelseuntilafterthehysterectomy.”
“Howareyoufeeling?”sheasked,eyeingmystomach.
IworeaT-shirtovermybathingsuittocovermybelly.Eventhoughitcouldbemistakenforalargelunch,Iwastooself-consciousaboutit.Iknewwhatitwas.AndifevenonepersonaskedmewhenIwasdue,Iwouldlosemyshit.
“Well,theIUDkickedin.Thedoctorsaiditwouldtakeafewmonthstostarthelpingwiththebleeding,andIfinallyseethedifference.It’sbeenhuge,actually.Ionlyspotnow.”
Hersmilewasextradazzlingundertheredclayonhercheeks.“Really?Couldyoulivelikethis?Maybeputoffthesurgery?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,Ican’tlivelikethis.I’mstillbleedingalmostdaily,thecrampsarehorrible,andIlookthreemonthspregnant.Look.”IpulledmyT-shirttightaroundmywaistandshowedhermydistendedstomach.
Shelookedmournfullyatmybelly.
Ithinkofeverything,myswollenstomachwaswhatmadehergetthis.Shehadabeautifulhourglassfigure,andwhatmyuteruswasdoingtominewashernightmare.
“I’msosickofthisbeingmynormal,Sloan.”Ilettheshirtdrop.“Everydayofmylifeforthelasttwelveyears,thisuterushasmadememiserable.It’sneverdoneanythingformebutgivemegrief,anditneverwill.”
Itoccurredtomethatpainwasliterallyadailypartofmyworld.Itookitforgranted.Ilivedwithitlikesomeonelearnstolivewithbackgroundnoise.AndIwasdonedoingit.
Mydoctorhadsuggestedwritingathank-youlettertomyuterusbeforethesurgery.Togivemeclosure,hesaid.
Fuckmyuterus.
Ihadnothingtothankitfor.Ithadruinedmylifeathousandtimesoverinathousanddifferentways.EverytimeIbledthroughmypantsinpublicorvomitedfromthepain.Allthetimesitstolemyenergyandrobbedmeofmilestonesandopportunities.Itruinedrelationshipsandvacations,specialmomentsanddreams.
Anditwasn’tdone.Itwouldneverbedonetakingfromme.Whenitwasgone,itwouldstilltake.
Shesighed.“HowdoyouintendtoexplainthesurgerytoJosh?Imean,themanworksinyourgarage.He’sgoingtoknow.”
Ilookedawayfromheratthepalmtreesandbirds-of-paradisethatlinedthemudpool.Ididhaveaplan.I’dgivenitalotofthoughtoverthelasttwoweeks.
“I’mgoingtofirehimandbreakthingsoffthedayafteryourwedding.”
Hereyesflewwide.“What?”
“Iwasgoingtoenditafterthatnightatkaraoke.ButthenIrealizedifIdiditbeforethewedding,itmightmakethingsweird,andIdidn’twanttoruinyourspecialday.”
Withtheweddingcomingup,thefourofusweregoingtobethrowntogether.Big-time.Icouldn’tvouchforhowJoshwouldfeelabouttheendofourarrangement,butIknewI’dhaveahardtimepretendingtobehappyonceweweredone,andSloanwoulddefinitelypickuponthat.Therewasnowaythatwouldn’taffecther.
Sowhymakethingsawkwardortense?Whatwasoneandahalfmoreweeks?I’djuststicktomyrules,likeIalwaysdid—whenIwasn’tdrunk—anditwouldbefine.Itwasjustelevendays.
IlookedatSloan.“Ifiguredwe’dgetthroughtheweddingandthenI’lltellhimIcan’tseehimanymore.I’malreadyputtingoutadsforcarpenters.Ineedtofindsomeoneelseanyway.He’sbeengonefortwoweeks,andIhadtoputmystairsonbackorder.”
Shesighed.“Oh,Kristen.”
“What?”Ishrugged.“Iknewthiswasallpartofit.Isoldmysoul,Sloan,forafewgoodweeks.AtleastIgottohavehim,evenifitwasjustforalittlewhile.I’llcuthimloosebeforethesurgery,butafteryourbigday.Problemsolved.”
Hopefullyhe’dalreadyhavesomeoneonthesidehecouldslideinto.Itwouldbeeasierforusbothwhenthetimecame.
Well,itwouldbeeasierforhim
Hewouldhavethewomenhe’dbeenseeingbesidesme.He’dhavehisfreetimeback.Wewouldn’tbeabletohavesexformonthsafterthesurgeryanyway,sothatwouldputanendtothat.
LessthantwomoreweeksuntilSloan’swedding.LessthantwomoreweeksofJosh.
Thenitwouldallbeover.
***
Thephonewokemeupat4:23inthemorning.Ididn’trecognizethenumber,butIknewtheVegasareacode.IsatupandhittheAnswerCallbuttongroggily.“Hello?”
“Hey…it’sme.”
Mylipscurledupintoasmile.Josh.DrunkJoshbythesoundofit.
“TellmeBrandon’snotinneedofbailmoney,”Isaid,rubbingmyeyes.
“No.He’sfine,”heslurred.“Imanagedtokeephimoutofjail.Bestbestmanever.”
Ilayonmysideandtuckedmypillowundermyhead.“Sloan’sfreakingout,bytheway.Neitherofyouansweredhercalls.”
ThetruthwasIhadbeenfreakingouttoo.Sloan’stalkaboutJoshsleepingwithotherpeoplehadhauntedmeallnight.AndwithoutSloanknowingwhereBrandonwas,Ididn’tknowwhereJoshwas.Ihatedthat.
“ShawnthrewourphonesinthelakeinfrontoftheBellagio.”
Isnorted.“What?”
“Yeah.We’renoteveninourhotel.We’reat—holdon.TheTwistedPalmMotel.Wecouldn’tmakeitback.Toodrunk.”
“Well,I’mgladyoucalled.AtleastIcantellSloanwhereBrandonisinthemorning.Heshouldhavegottentoaphone.Sheworries.”AndsodoI.
“He’stoofuckedup.Shawnmadehimtakeashoteverytimehesaid‘Sloan.’Wehadtocarryhimtotheroom.”
IcrackedupandJoshchuckledwithme,aleisurely,tired,intoxicatedlaugh.
Itfeltsogoodtotalktohim.I’dmissedhimsomuch.Ididn’trealizehowmuchuntilhewasonthephone.Iwishedhewerehere,inbedwithmeinsteadofthreehundredmilesaway.
“Ihadtogotothebusinesscentertocallyou,”hecontinued.“Ididn’tknowyournumber,soIlookedupyourwebsite.I’mnotsorryIwokeyouup.”
Iscoffed.“Oh,really?Andwhynot?Youshouldfeelterrible.Ineedmybeautysleep.”
“Noyoudon’t.You’reperfect.”
Ismiled.“Why,thankyou,DrunkJosh.That’sveryniceofyoutosay.”
Therewasahiccupinthepause.“Whatdidyoudotoday?”
Itoldhimaboutthespaandthemudandthesuck-for-a-buckshirt.“Sloanmadesixty-sevendollars.She’snotspeakingtome,butwesoldallherLifeSavers.”
Helaughed.“Doyouhavepictures?”
“Yeah.I’dsendyousome,butyoudon’thaveaphone.Ifyou’restillinfrontofacomputer,lookmeuponInstagram.”
Sloan’sinsistencethatIconnectwithhimonInstagramfinallymademefold.Ididn’thaveanypicturesofhim.AtleastIcouldcyberstalkhimifIfollowedhimonInstagram,lookathimwhenImissedhim—whichwasallthetime.
Thephoneshuffled.“Okay.Holdon.”
Ireachedunderthebedandpulledoutmylaptop.“CanIfollowyoutoo?”
“Youcanfollowmeanywhere.”
Hewasflirtywhenhewasdrunk.Itwascute.Hedidn’tusuallysaythingslikethistome.Ishutitdownimmediatelywhenhedid.ButDrunkJoshwasn’treallyJosh.
“HowcomeSoberJoshdoesn’thaveallthisswagger,huh?”Iteased.
Hesnorted.“Hedoes.He’sjusttryingtofollowyourmanyrules.DrunkJoshdoesn’tlivebyrules.DrunkJoshdoeswhatDrunkJoshwants,”hesaid,stumblingoverthewords.
“AndwhatdoesDrunkJoshwant?”Ismiled,tappinghisnameintothesearchbaronInstagram.
“You.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“You’reluckyyou’renothere.I’dtakeadvantageofyou.Yousoundtooweaktofightmeoff.”
“Iconsent.”
Isenthimafollowrequest,laughingathiscomment.AsecondlaterIgothisandapprovedit.
Wegotquietaswelookedateachother’spictures.
“Ididn’tknowyourockclimb,”Isaid.Therewasapictureofhimhangingoffthesideofaseriouslyhighcliffface.Hehadonaharnessandhelmet,andhelooked,asalways,sohandsome.“Andyouwater-ski.”
“Tyler,”hesaiddryly.
IforgotIhadthosepicturesonthere.TylerandmeattheMarineball.Afewmoregoofyselfiesduringhisleaves.Oneofhimkissingme.
“Celeste’spretty,”Icountered,lookingatpictureafterpictureofthemsmilingtogether.ShewasaSloan.Thekindofwomanwhodoesn’tneedmakeup.Thekindwhoglowswhenshesmiles.
“You’reprettier,”hesaid.
“AndyourdickisbiggerthanTyler’s.”
Thisgarneredmealaugh.Icouldimaginethesparkleinhiseyesandthedimplesinhischeeks.
Imissedhim.
Theacherippedthroughme.Ihadn’tseenhiminsolong,andsomehowtheseparationdidn’tlessenhowIfeltthewayithadwithTyler.
Tylerfaded.Healwaysfaded,eventhoughwe’dtalkonthephoneandSkypeandwrite.ButJoshjustgotbrighter.TheachegotdeeperthelongerIwentwithouthim.
HopefullyitwastheoppositeforJosh.Ihopedthetimeawayfrommehadcooledanyfeelingshemightbehaving,becauseIdidn’tthinkIcouldkeepmywallsupwhenhegotback.Imissedhimtoomuch,andthetimeIwasgoingtogetwithhimwastooshortnow.
HowwasIgoingtodoitwhenthingswereover,whenItoldhimaftertheweddingthatIdidn’twanttoseehimanymore?Itwasgoingtokillme.
Iwentbacktothephotos,andmymooddampened.
Therewerealotofpicturesofhimwithhisniecesandnephews.Himholdinganewbabyinahospital.Givingpiggybackrides.Onepicturehadhimburiedtohisneckinsandonabeachsomewhere,flankedbytwolittleboyswholookedalotlikehim,holdingredplasticshovels.
“Youreallylovekids,don’tyou.”Itwasastatement,notaquestion.
“CometoVegas.Let’sgetmarried.”
Isnorted.God,hewasfuckedup.“AndupstageBrandonandSloan?”
“Comeon.Whynot?”
“Howmuchhaveyouhadtodrink?”
Anotherhiccup.“You’reaunicorn.”
Ismirked.Yup.Wastedoutofhismind.
Hewenton.“Whenyoufindaunicorn,youmarryher.Ithinkaboutyouallthetime.Doyoueverthinkaboutme?”
Always.“WheneverI’mhorny.”
Hegotquiet.Itdidn’tfeellikeacomfortablesilence.Itfeltlikeadisappointedone.Atleastitwasforme.IhatedtheliesIhadtotell.
“Kristen…IthinkI’mgonnathrowup.”
Iclosedthelidofmylaptop.Theroomwentpitch-blackagain,andIsatthereagainstmyheadboardinthedark.Hewouldn’trememberthiscall.Hewastoofuckedup.
“Josh?”
IttookalongminuteuntilIgotaslurred,“Yeah?”
Itookadeepbreath.“Ithinkaboutyouallthetime.Imissyouwhenyou’renotwithme.”
“Youdo?”
“Yeah.Ido.”
Itfeltsogoodtosayitoutloud.Andtosayittohim.Evenifhewastoowastedtoretainit,itfeltliberatingtosayjustoncehowIfelt.
Ispokelow.“Whenyou’renotwithme,itfeelslikeI’mhollow.Iwonderwhatyou’redoing.Whoyou’rewith.Ireadyourtextsahundredtimes.”Myheartpounded.“IwantedtotellyouImissedyouback,butIcan’tsaythatstufftoyou.ButIdidmissyou.Thelasttwoweeksfeltliketorture.”
HegroanedandIheardthedraggingofsomethingmetallic.Probablyawastebasket.
Isighed.“Josh,don’tblackoutthere.Gobacktoyourroom.”
“No.Iwanttotalktoyou.”Hesoundedlikehewasspitting.Hedidn’thearawordI’dsaid.
Wesatinsilenceforamoment.Iwonderedifhe’dpassedout.“Josh?”
“GetSloananddrivedownheretomorrow.Let’sgetmarried.Comeon.”
Ismiledgently.“Ican’tmarryyou.”
Spitting.“Why?Iwouldbeagoodhusbandtoyou.Iwouldtakecareofyou.I’dbeagooddad.”
Imovedthephoneawayfrommymouthasasuddenwrenchingurgetosobboltedintomythroat.Ipressedmylipstogetherandforceditbackdown.“Iknowyouwould,”Iwhispered.“That’swhyIcan’t.”
Moresilence.
Thenhespokeintomydarkness.“Iloveyou.”
Mytearsspilleddownmycheeksandthelumpinmythroatthreatenedtosuffocateme.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Thelinewentdead.TWENTY-SEVEN
Josh
Iloveyoutoo.
Iimaginedtherewereonlysomanyeventsinlifethatcouldhavemadeitthroughthatlevelofintoxication.Amurder.Ahorribleaccident.
Kristentellingmeshelovedme.
Iremembered
BrandonwasreadytobedonewithVegas.We’dplannedonstayinganextranight,butShawn’sbachelorpartyexperiencewasenoughforalifetime.Soafterwedraggedourselves,hungover,backtoourhotel,weshowered,packed,wenttotheVerizonstoresoShawncouldbuyusnewphones,andweheadedhome.
Wegotbackatmidnight.
Icouldn’twaittoseeKristen.Shewasn’texpectingmeandIdidn’tcall.Iwantedtoshowuptomorrowmorningandsurpriseher.Iwasgoingtograbherandkissherwhethershefuckinglikeditornot,talktoheraboutwhatshe’dsaid.Forcehertostopplayingthesegameswithme.
Myheartfeltlightandhopefulforthefirsttimeinmonths.Icouldn’tevensleepIwassoexcitedtoseeher.Ishouldhavejustgonestraightthere.Igotupearlyandtookofffrommyapartmentbeforethesunwasup,planningtojustslipintobedwithher.
ButwhenIpulleduptoherhouseandIsawthetruckinthedrivewayat7:00inthemorning,Iwassmackedbackintoreality.
Isatthere,clutchingthewheelwithwhiteknuckles.Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwasseeing.
I’dstayedthenightenoughtimestoknowexactlyhowunlikelyitwasthatatruckwouldbeparkedinherdrivewayatanytimeoftheday,letalonethisearly
Nobodycamehere.Sheneverhadvisitors.AndbesidesBrandonandme,shedidn’thavefriendswhodrovetrucks.
Shewasintherewithsomeguy.ShethoughtIwasoutoftownandshe’dbroughthomesomeguy.
He’dstayedthenight.
Isthiswhatshe’dbeendoingwhileIwasonthestriketeam?Isthiswhyshehadn’tansweredmycalls?
TherealityofwhatI’dsignedupforfinallycamefullcircle.
Disgust,anger,hurt,disappointment—theycoursedthroughmeandsettledinmychestlikeacinderblock.MyeyesprickedwithtearsandIpinchedthecorners,furiouswithmyselfforthinkingshe’dwantedme.
Iputthetruckinreverseandbackeddownthestreetandparkedthere,lookingatthehouse,mymindracing.Iwantedtokickinthefuckingdoorandbeattheshitoutofhim,whoeverhewas.
ButcouldIreallybeangry?
She’dbeenclear.She’dbeencrystalclearwithmethatshewasgoingtoseeotherpeople.Thatshedidn’twanttobeexclusive.Wewerefuckbuddies.Thatwasit.
I’dagreedtothis.
Butwhataboutwhatshehadsaid?She’dsaidshelovedme.Hadn’tshe?Shehadsaidit,right?
OrhadIsaiditfirstandthenshe’dsaiditback?OrhadshesaiditlikethewayshetoldSloanthatshelovedher?
Sheobviouslyhadn’tmeantitthewayI’dmeantit,orIwouldn’tbelookingatsomefuckingguy’struckparkedinfrontofherdamnhouse.Isatthere,staringatthedrivewayforwhatfeltlikeaneternity.
Andthenhecameout.Shestoodinthedoorinherrobewhilehejoggeddownthesteps.Ibreathedthroughmynose,tryingtostaycalm.
Icouldn’tgetagoodlook.Earlythirtiesmaybe.JeansandaT-shirt.
Hegotinhistruckanddroveoff,andIwonderedifshewastakingashowernow.Strippingthebed.WhatifI’dshownupjustanhourlater?Wouldshehavesleptwithusbothonthesameday?Didshelietherewithhimafterlikeshedidwithme?Talkingandkissing?
IputthetruckindriveandwenthomebeforeIdidsomethingfuckingstupid.
WhenIgotbacktomyapartment,thetowerofboxesstillstandinginmylivingroomtauntedme.AreminderthatI’dspentthelasttwomonthsgivingallmyfreetimetoawomanwhodidn’tfuckingwantme,whocouldsleepwithsomeoneelsewithoutgivingitasecondthought.
Ikickedthebottomboxandthewholethingtoppledover,spillingclothesalloverthefloor.Igrabbedanotherboxandflungitacrosstheroomandstoodthere,panting,inmyshittycubeofanapartment.
Done.Iwasfuckingdone
Ididn’twantanyofthisanymore.Ididn’twantthisfuckinglife.Ididn’twanttolivehere.Ididn’twantmyshittyjob.IwishedIcouldun-knowher.Gobackandnevermeether,nevercomehere.
IpulledoutmyphoneandscrolledthroughuntilIfoundAmanda’snumber,theyogainstructor.Istoodthere,staringatit.Icouldcallthiswoman.Dothesamething.Seesomeoneelsetoo.Isn’tthatwhatIshouldbedoing?Maybeitwouldn’thavefuckedwithmelikethisifI’dkeptmyendofthebargain,ifI’dactuallybeenseeingotherpeoplelikeI’dsaidIwould.Likeshe’dpressedmetodo.
ItypedinatextandwasabouttohitSendwhenmyphonepinged.
Kristen:Hey,Sloansaysyouguysgothomelastnight.Wanttocomeover?
Theironywastoomuch.Shenevertextedme.Neveraskedmetocomeover.Sheneverinitiatedanything—itwasalwaysme.She’dbeentotallycoldtomeforweeks.Hertextsatthereundermyunanswered“Imissyou”andastringofotherignoredquestionsandeffortsonmypart,andtheonetimeshefinallydidwantme,Icouldn’tevenstomachthethought.
Josh:Sick.
Itwasn’tevenalie.Icouldn’tevenlookather.Ididn’tknowifIcouldeverlookather.Icouldn’tevenimaginewalkingherdowntheaisleatBrandon’sweddingnextweek.
Kristen:Youokay?
Ishookmyheadatmyphoneandtosseditonthemattress.
No.I’mnotfuckingokay.
I’mdone.TWENTY-EIGHT
Kristen
IheldabagofIn-N-Outandknockedonthedoor.Icheckedmywatch:1:15p.m.IttookJoshawhiletoopenit.Whenhefinallydid,Isawhehadn’tbeenkidding—hereallywassick.Helookedlikeshit.
Hisfacewasexpressionless,likehefelttoocrappytoreacttomyunannouncedvisit.Redeyesandarumpledshirt,likehe’dbeensleepinginhisclothes.Messyhair,likeI’dgottenhimoutofbed.
Ismiled.“Hey.Surprise.”
Ugh.I’dmissedhisfacesomuch.
Somuch.
WhenSloantoldmeBrandonwashome,myhearthadleaptinmychest.TheyweresupposedtocomehomelatetonightandJoshhadworktomorrowmorning,soIwasn’tsupposedtoseehimforthreemoredays.UsuallyI’djustrideitoutandwaitforhimtocomebackover.ButIcouldn’tdoit.Icouldn’twaitthreemoredaystoseehimwhenIknewhewasathome.SoIbrokemyownruleandinvitedhimover.AndonceIfoundouthewassick,Ibrokeanotheroneofmyrulesandwenttohim
Hedidn’tmovetoletmein.Hejuststaredatme.
“Uh,canIcomein?”Iasked,lookingaroundhimintohisapartment.
Hestoodthereforanotherfewseconds,thenpushedopenthedoorandwalkedsilentlybackinside.
Ifollowedhimin,wonderingwhatthehellwaswrongwithhim.Hecouldn’tstillbehungover,twodayslater.Maybethestriketeamandthetriphadfinallycaughtuptohim.Hemusthavebeenprettyworndown.
Theapartmentwasdarkandstalesmelling.
“Youdidn’treplytomytextssoIdecidedtomakesureyouwerealive,”Isaid,lookingaround,feelinganinstanturgetothrowopenwindowsandstartcleaning.“Thisplacelookslikeyou’relosingagameofJumanji.Whatthehellhappenedinhere?”
Heleanedagainstthekitchencounterandcrossedhisarmsoverhischest,watchingmeasIputthebagoffooddown.Iwalkedovertohimandputahandonhischeektofeelifhehadatemperature.Heclosedhiseyesatthecontactandbreathedthroughhisnose,grimacinglikeithurttohavehisheadtouched.
“Youdon’tfeelhot.Doyouhaveaheadache?”
Heopenedhiseyesandstaredatme.
Ihadtobehonest—I’dhopedforahappierreunion.Ithought…
Idon’tknowwhatIthought.Ishouldn’tbethinkinganything.Ishouldn’tbehopingforanythingeither.
“Stomach?”Iasked.
Silence.
“Voicebox?”
Heflexedhisjaw.“It’snotagoodideaforyoutobehererightnow,”hesaidflatly,hisvoicecold.
Igavehimacrookedsmile.TherewasnowhereI’dratherbe.Ididn’tgiveashitifhewascontagious.“Whathurts?”
Ittookhimamoment.“Everything.”
Isnorted.“Wow.Amancold.Okay,I’mequippedtodealwiththis.Comeon.Getinbed.”
“Kristen,youshouldgo.Youshouldlookforanothercarpenter,”hesaid.
“Wow.Areyoudying?”Ilaughed,openingupmypurseandtakingoutmyAleve.IshooktwointomyhandandhandedhimtheCokeIbroughthim.
“It’sfunnythatyoubringupgettinganewcarpenter.”Ihandedhimthepills,andhestoodtherelookingattheminthepalmofhishand,passively.
“Guesswhoshowedupatthebuttcrackofdawnthismorningbeggingforhisjobback.Miguel.”Ishookmyhead.He’dseenmycarpenteradonCraigslist.“LosthisjobatUniversal.”
Iputmyhandsonmyhipsandpeeredaroundhisapartment.God,itwasamess.Clotheseverywhere.HisduffelbagfromVegaswasstillploppednexttothebed.Heprobablyhadtwoweeksoflaundrytodo.
Lookslikeit’smytimetoshine.Thisplacewasgettinganexorcism.I’dgetonitassoonasIgotthepatientinbed.
Iturnedbacktohim.“Idon’tevenwanttoknowwhatthatdudedidtogetfired.Hewasalwaysalittlecreepy.Like,SilenceoftheLambs,‘itputsthelotiononitsskin’creepy.Andhecameover,andIwasinnothingbutarobe.”Ishiveredasitgavemetheheebie-jeebies.“Tobehonest,itwastoobadyouweren’tthere.Icouldhaveusedabouncer.”
Hiseyesboredintome,hismessyhairoverhisforehead.Hestaredatmejustlongenoughforittobeweirdandthensethissodadown.Inasinglefluidmovementhegatheredmeinhisarmsandfoldedmeintohischest,buryinghisfaceinmyneck.ItwassounexpectedIfroze.
AndthenImelted
I’dmissedhim.Somuch.AndIloveditwhenheheldme.ItwassomethingIcouldn’tallowoutsideofsexbecauseitmademewanttoneverletgo.Butthishugtookmebysurprise,andonceIwasinit,therewasnogettingout.Myheartjustwasn’tthatstrong.
HeclutchedmetohimsohardthatforasecondIgotworriedsomethingwaswrong.Reallywrong.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhiswaistandhuggedhimback,wonderingifhe’dgottensomebadnews.Hedidn’tlookwell,andheneverbrokemyno-affectionrules.
“What’swrong?”Iwhispered.
Heshookhisheadinthecrookofmyneck.“I’mjustgladyou’rehere.”
Hedraggedhisfacefrommyneckandlookedlikehemightkissme,butinsteadheputhisforeheadtomineandclosedhiseyes.
Igavehimabreathlesssmile.“Well,we’refriendswithbenefits,right?”Isaid,mylipsaninchfromhismouth.“Thisisthefriendspart.”
AndImissedyou.Couldn’tstandnotseeingyoutoday.Wantedtotakecareofyou.Neededtomakesureyouwereokay.
Heputahandtomycheekandranathumbalongmylips.Thenheleanedinandkissedme.Itwastentativeandsoft,andIdissolvedintoit.
ItwaslikethespaceI’dputbetweenusmademeneedmoreofhimtomakeupforit,andIcouldn’tgetcloseenoughorsoakupenoughofhim.
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandkissedhimharder,pressingagainsthimashestartedtowalkmebackwardtowardthebed.Wetrippedoverthemess,ourmouthsneverbreakingcontact,ourfeettanglingindiscardedclothesandboxes.Iknockedintohislampanditfellsidewayswithacrash,butwedidn’tstop.Wepeeledoffeachother’sshirts,slammingbackintoeachotherbeforetheytouchedtheground.
Bythetimewehitthemattressandheglidedoverme,Iwasravenous.Ituggedathissweatpants,butheshookhisheadanddraggedmyhandsuptoholdthemagainstthepillow.“No.”Hislipstraileddownmyjaw.
Itippedmyheadbackwhilehismouthmovedalongmyskin.“Whatdoyoumean‘no’?”Ibreathed.
Hesmelledincredible,hisheadymasculinecedarscentlikeanevocativepheromone.Heatcameoffhischest,andthewayhehadmyhandsimprisoned,Iwascocoonedinhisbody,nestledbetweenhisstrongarms.
“You’reintrouble,”hesaidintomycollarbone.“You’velostdickprivileges.”
Isnorted.“What?Why?”
Hecamebackupandgroundhimselfagainstmycore,shootingelectricitythroughmybody,andmyneedintensified.
“Youdidn’ttalktomefortwoweeks.”Hesuckedmylipbetweenhisteeth.“You’reonpunishment.”Histongueplungedintomymouth.
Iwaspracticallypanting.Itriedtoworkmyhandsfree,andheheldthemfirmertothebed,smilingwickedlyagainstmylips.Heshookhishead.“No.”Hepressedintome,hardasarock.
Soit’stobetorture,then.
Imadeanimpatientnoise.“Well…howdoIgetmyprivilegesback?”Iwiggledmyhipsseductivelyandhisbreathcaughtinhisthroat.Ismirkedandhesqueezedhiseyesshut,clearlystrugglingwithhisboycott.
“Youhavetoapologizeforignoringme.”
“I’msorry.”Inippedathislip.
“Andtellmeyoumissedme.”
Inodded.“Yes,”Iwhispered.“Imissedyou.”
Heopenedhiseyesandlookedatme.“Sayitagain.”
Iheldhisserious,brown-eyedstare.“Imissedyou,Josh.”
Hiseyesmovedbackandforthbetweenmine,likehewastryingtodetermineifIreallymeantit.
Ireallydidmeanit.Imissedhimevennow,andhewasrighthere.
Henodded,somethingsofteningonhisface,andhereleasedmyhands.
Iwentstraighttohispantsagain,buthegotoffme,stripped,andkneeledbetweenmyknees.Thenhegrabbedthewaistofmyshortsandpulledthemdown.“Areyoubleeding?”
Hishoodedeyesweredarkwithdesire,hisbreathingragged.Hewasfamished.Nowayhe’dsleptwithsomeoneelsetheselasttwoweeks.HewasonthesamesexdroughtIwas.
Ishookmyhead.“No,I’mnotbleeding.”
Heloweredhisfacebetweenmylegsandgrippedmyhips,pullingmetohismouth.Igasped.Histonguewenttowork,andmyhandsflewtohishair.
OhmyfuckingGod…
He’dneverdonethisbefore—Iwasusuallyspotting.Andholyshit—hewasanoralvirtuoso.Idon’tknowwhathewasdoingdownthere,butitwasobviousIwasinthehandsofaprofessional.Fuck,ishegoodateverything?
Mykneesstartedtoshake.Imoaned,andlikeheknewIwasabouttoloseit,hecameupandloweredhimselfoverme.“Idon’thaveacondom.”
Nooooooo!“What?Why?Wherearethey?”
Hismouthdescendedmyneck,kissingmeroughly.“Atyourhouse,whereIleavethem,”hesaidhuskily.
I’mtheonlypersonhe’ssleepingwith?Imean,Iknowhesaidhisdatesdidn’tusually…
Myfavoriteplaythingpressedagainstmystomach,teasingme,andIlostmytrainofthought.
Fuckit.“Nocondom—Idon’tcare,”Igasped.“You’retheonlyoneI’msleepingwithtoo.”
Hejerkedupandlookedatme,hisshallowbreathrollingovermyface.Hestudiedmeforasecond,somethingunreadableinhiseyes.Thenhecrushedhismouthtomineandslidintome.
Therewassomethingdeeperaboutthesexthistime,moreemotional,desperate.Bothofuswerefrantic,likewe’dthoughtwewerenevergoingtoseeeachotheragain,andthelackofacondom,theabsenceofthatbarrier,elevatedeverything,madeushungrier.
Neitherofusweregoingtomakeitverylong.Therewasnoway.
Hisforcefulthrustslaunchedmeintospasmswithinseconds.Mymoaningpushedhimovertheedgeandhepouredinsideofme,growlingandgasping.
Hecollapsedandweclutchedeachother,catchingourbreath,hisforeheadtomineinalightsheenofsweat.Ittookmeasolidminutetomustertheabilitytospeak.“Ithoughtyouweresick,”Ibreathed.“Faker.”
Hischucklerumbledagainstmybreasts.“Allpartofmyploytogetyoutocomeover.”
Ilaughedandhesqueezedhisarmsagainstmysidesandsmileddownonme,kissingmesoftly,hisheartbeatingagainstmychest.
Iloveyou,Josh.IwishIcouldtellyou.IwishIcouldkeepyou.
Withatwingeofdread,IwonderedhowIwouldlivewithoutthesemomentswhenitallcametoanend.I’dhavetoenjoyeverysecondofthenextweekandahalfwithhim.Absorbit,storeitup.
Andthenhopeitwasenoughtolastalifetime.
***
We’dbeeninhisbedforhours.Weneverdidthatatmyhouse.TherewerealwaystoomanyexcusesIcouldcomeupwithforwhywehadtogobacktofriends-onlymode.Emailstocheck,deliveriestosignfor,orderstoworkon.Andonceweleftthebed,myrulesdictatedthattheaffectionhadtostop.Buthere,wehadnothingtodobutstaybetweenthesheets.Joshdidn’thaveasofaoraTV,sowehungoutunderthecovers,andtechnically,accordingtomyownrules,thatmeantthatkissingandaffectionwereokay.
Iwasenjoyingtheloophole.Ineededeverysecondofit.
Joshdidn’tseemtoobjecteither.We’dbeenhavingsexallday.Afterourquickie,we’dhadalong,slowmarathon,fullofdeepkissingandgentlerocking,followedbyagigglingandplayfulrompwithJoshticklingmemercilesslybeforehetookmefrombehind.Afterweworeeachotherout,we’dlainthere,ourlegstangledtogether,talkingabouteverythingwedidoverthelasttwoweeks.Hetoldmeaboutthestriketeamandhowmuchhelikedbeinginthewoodsandnotrunningmedicalcalls.HowbeautifulSequoiaNationalParkhadbeenandhowmuchIwouldhavelikedabandthatplayedinabartheywenttointheiroff-hours.
ItoldhimallabouttheweddingerrandsI’dbeenonwithSloananddroppingoffalargeorderatDale’smansionandhowStuntmanhadbittheFedExguyagain.
Hedidn’tbringupcallingmefromVegas,thankGod.Heprobablydidn’tremember.
Heranaknucklealongmycheek.“I’mgoingtogetadrink.Areyouthirsty?Wantsomething?”
“Water.”
HegotupandIproppedmyselfuponmyelbowstowatchhimwalknakedtothekitchen.Youcouldbounceanickelofftheman’sass.God,hehadagreatbody.
Mine,notsomuch.
Ihadtomakemyownnakedwalktothebathroominaminute,andmylittlestomachbulgehadnobusinessstruttingarounduncovered.Myclotheswerestrewnallovertheplace.Ihadnoideawheremyshirtwas.
Isatup,pullingthesheettomychesttolookforsomethingtoputon.ThenIeyedaBurbankFirehoodiedrapedoveroneofhisunpackedboxesnearby.Ileanedoverandgrabbeditbeforeheturnedaroundfromthesink.
“DoyoumindifIwearthis?”Iasked,pullingitonbeforehehadthechancetoanswer.Ituckedmynoseintotheneckandbreathedin,closingmyeyes.
Heclimbedbackinbed,handingmeaglassofwater.“Youcankeepitifyouwant.”Hegrinnedatme.
“Really?”God,Iwouldneverwashit.Iwouldwearitlikeawarmhug.“Areyousure?That’saslipperyslope,Joshua.Hoodiesaregatewayclothes.SoonI’llbestealingyourshirtsandyourjackets.”Itookasipandthensetthewaterdownnexttothebedandlookedbackathim.
Heleanedinandkissedme,hissmileenormous.“I’msure,”hewhisperedagainstmylips.“Takewhateveryouwant.”
Igavehimaraisedeyebrow.“Whyareyousohappyaboutmestealingyourclothes?”
“I’mjusthappybecauseIlikeitwhenyoucallmeJoshua,”hesaid,smiling.Hisfingersbrushedthehairatthetopofmyforeheadandhekissedmegently.
TherewassomethingsointimateinthewayhewaswithmeIhadtochangethesubject.
“What’sthis,Joshua?”Iasked,lookingawayfromhim,pickingupadog-earedcopyofUnderaFlamingSkyfromtheupside-downboxheusedasanightstand.Ifloppedontomyback.“Ididn’tknowyouliketoread.”
Hescooteddowntolienexttomeandproppedhimselfonhiselbow.“Iliketoreadaboutfires.”
Iheldthebookovermyface.“Isitanygood?What’sitabout?”Ismiledathim.“Willyoureadmeachapter?”
Hetookthebookfrommeandleanedovertheothersideofthebed.“It’saboutafirestorminMinnesota,backin1894.”Whenhecamebackup,hewaswearingglasses.
Iblinkedathimasheflippedtothedog-earedpage,scootingtositupagainsthispillows.
“Shutthefuckup,”Isaid,staringathim.
Helookedoveratme.“What?”
“Youwearglasses?”
“Justforreading.Why?”
JustwhenIthoughtthemancouldn’tgetanymoreattractive,hegoesandputsonmotherfuckingglasses.
“Thisisajoke,right?Youarenotallowedtogethotterthanyoualreadyare.Iforbidit.”
Hesetthebookdownacrosshislapandgrinnedatme.“Youliketheglasses,huh?”Hebouncedhiseyebrows.“Wantmetokeepthemonthenexttime?”
Igiggled.“Yes,please.”
Hepulledtheglassesdownandthenputthembackon.Hiseyesgotwide.“Oh,wow.Lookhowprettyyouare!”
Ilaughedandmovedhisbook,climbingoverhislapuntilIstraddledhim.Hissweatshirtrodeupmythighs.ThenIheldhischeeksinmyhandsandpepperedkissesalloverhisface.Heclosedhiseyesandletme,beaminglikeahappylittlekid.
Ismiledathisupturnedlips.“Youknow,it’sTarantinoTriviaatMalone’stonight.Youwannago?I’mgettingkindofhungry.”Joshhadnothinginhisfridge,andwe’deatentheburgersIbroughthoursago.IlookedatmyFitbit.“Butwe’dhavetoleavein,like,tenminutes.”
“Sure,”hesaid,hishandsonmythighs.“DoweinviteBrandonandSloan?”
Ishookmyhead.“They’regoingtoLuigi’sfordinner.It’lljustbeus.”
Hegavemeasoftpeckonthelips,hiseyeswarm.“It’sadate—let’sgo.”
Itwasn’tadate,butIdidn’tcorrecthim.He’djustrollhiseyesandsayitwasjustanexpressionandhewasn’ttryingtoslipadatepastme,thewayhealwaysdid.Ididn’tneedthereminder.
Iwisheditwasadate.
HefollowedmehomeinhistrucksoIcouldgetreadyandletStuntmanout.ThenwetookanUbersowecouldbothdrink.
OntherideovertoMalone’s,Icheckedmyemails.
HepeeredoveratmeasItappedonmyphone.“Waituntilwe’restopped.You’regonnagetcarsick.”
“NoIwon’t.”
“Yeahyouwill.Yougetnauseouswhenyoulookatyourphoneinthecar,”hesaid.
“That’sonlywhenyoudrive,becauseyoudrivelikealunatic,”Isaid,typinginanemailaboutPugLifesweatersonbackorder.“Braking,hittingthegastoohard,takingtheturnstoofast.Andontopofthat,youdon’tevenswear.”
Hechuckled.“Whatdoesswearinghavetodowithdriving?”
“Ifyou’renotpissedoffwhenyoudrive,you’renotreallypayingattention.”
Igavehimside-eyeandcaughtadimpleonhischeek.Ismileddownonmyscreen.ThenIswallowed.Ididfeelalittledizzy,actually.Isetmyphoneonmylapandclosedmyeyes.
“Itoldyou,”hesaidinthedarknessbehindmylids.“Sostubborn,allthetime.”
“No.SometimesI’masleep.Andanyway,youdon’tknowmylife.”
Helaughed.“Yeah,actually,Ido.Iknowallaboutyou.”
Iscoffed.“Mm-hmm.”
“What?Ido.IknowyoucaneatawholesleeveofThinMintsbyyourself.”
Isnorted.“Whocan’t?”
Hewenton.“Iknowyourfavoritethingishavingyourbackscratchedafteryoutakeoffyourbra.You’reinabettermoodwhenyougotobedateleventhirtyandwakeupatseventhanwhenyougotobedattwelvethirtyandwakeupateight.Youlikepurple.Youlovethesmellofcarnationsbuthateitwhenguysbuyyouflowersbecauseyouthinkit’sawasteofmoney…”
Iopenedaneyeandlookedathim.Hewastalkingtothewindow,watchingtheroad.
“Youliketoarguewhenyouthinkyoumightbewrong.Whenyouknowyou’reright,youdon’tbother.Youhatesharingyourfood,butyoupickatmyplateeverytime.That’swhyIalwaysorderextrafries.”Helookedoveratmeandsmiled.“Andyou’drathergivemeshitformydrivingthanadmityougetcarsickwhenyou’reonyourphone.See?”Hearchedaneyebrow.“Iknowyou.”
Myheartfeltlikeitmightcrackinhalf.Hedidknowme.He’dbeenpayingattentiontome.AndIknewhimtoo.Iknewhiminsideandout.
Icouldtellwhatworkhadbeenlikebythesetofhisshoulderswhenhecameover,andIknewithelpedhimtode-stresstotalktomeaboutabadcall.Ialwayslistened,eventhoughsometimestheywerehardtohear.
Whenhegotquiet,itmeanthewastired.He’dchoosepistachioicecreamatBaskin-Robbinseverytime,butatColdStonehegotsweetcreaminstead.IknewhelikedStuntman,thoughhe’dneveradmitit.AndhesecretlylikeditwhenIgavehimshit.Icouldtellbythesparkleinhiseyes.
AndIalsoknewhehopedhehadmoresonsthandaughters.ThathelikedthenameOliverforhisfirstboyandEvaforhisfirstgirl.Heplannedonteachingallhiskidstohuntandhadacollectionofcamobabyclothes.Hewantedtobuildthecribshimselffromwoodintheforestaroundhisgrandparent’shouseinSouthDakota.
Hewantednofewerthanfivechildren,andheplannedfornine.AndhehopedallhiskidsgotthesignatureCopelanddimplesandcowlick.
Ihopedforthattoo.Iwantedhimtogetallthethingshedreamedabout.
Yes.Iknewhim.Iknewhimwell.
***
Wetookfirstplaceintrivia.TheprizewastwoMalone’sT-shirts.
Afterward,wesatinadimcracked-leatherboothatthebackofthebar,nursingourbeerswithabasketofhotwingsandMalone’sfamousqueso.Alivebandplayed“Wonderwall”onthebeat-upstage.Malone’swasadive.There’dalreadybeentwobarfightssincewegothere.Itwasgoodentertainment—betterthantheband.
I’dgottentwentydollars’worthoffaketattoosfromavendingmachine,andweweregivingeachotherfullsleevesandlaughingatpeopleinthebar.
“Okay,”Joshsaid,pressingawetnapkintomyforearmtostickatattoo.“IfyoucouldturnanythingintoanOlympicsport,whatwouldyouwinamedalfor?”
Iliftedthenapkinandpeeledofftheplasticbacking,lookingatmynewrosetattoo.“Sarcasm.”
Helaughed,hisbrowneyescreasingatthecorners.
“Allright,myturn,”Isaid,layingananchortattooonJosh’simpressivebiceps.“Windowseatoraisle?”
Hewatchedmeslaponthewetnapkin.“Middleseat.ThatwayI’mnexttoyounomatterwhichoneyouwant.”
Gah.Thisman.Soselfless.
He’dsaiditsocasuallyitwaslikethinkingaboutmefirstcamenaturally.Likeitwasknee-jerkforhim.Mylipstwistedintoasmile,andwegazedateachotherforamoment.
Hewashavingagoodtime.Hewashappy.Iwonderedifhewasthishappywhenweweren’ttogether.Ifhehadthismuchfunwithhisfriends,orthecrewatwork.
Oranyofthedateshewenton.
Ididn’t.NotevenwithSloan.ItwasdifferentwithJosh.Itjustwas.
Howmanygooddayslikethisdidwehaveleft?Inafewweeks,Iwouldn’tbeseeinghimanymore.I’dberecoveringfrommysurgery,andhewouldbelonggone.Theweddingwouldn’tthrowustogether.IalreadygaveMiguelhisjobback.Creepyornot,IneededtoreplaceJosh.MiguelknewtheworkandhadhisowngaragetobuildoutofsoI’dneverhavetoseehim.
Everythingwasalreadytakencareof.EverythingexcepthowI’dfeelwhenthisallended.
Andtherewasnothingtodoaboutthat.
“IneedtosendSloanapictureofthis,”Isaid,shakingmyselfoutofmythoughts.Iangledthecameratogetmywholearm.ThenIsatbackintheboothandstartedtexting.“Ikeepgettingautocorrectedfrom‘queso’to‘quest.’”Ishookmyhead.“Trustme,phone,I’mnevergoingtotalkaboutaquest.It’squeso.Alwaysqueso.”
Joshsnorted.Thenhenudgedme,noddingtoagirlinaskirtwaytooshortforher,teeteringinheelsonherwaybackfromthebathroom.
Ilaughed.“Lookattheguyshe’swith.He’sresourceguarding.Growlingoverherlikeadogwithabone.He’seyeingeverymanthatcomeswithintenfeetofher.”
Joshchuckled.“Wantmetotestyourtheory?PretendlikeI’mgonnatryandtalktoher?”Hiseyestwinkled.
“OhmyGod,yes.Please.”
Hesethisbeerdownandslidfromthebooth,andIwatched,grinning,ashemadehiswayovertothebar,shootingmeawolfishlookoverhisshoulder.Whenhegotclose,DogBoneGuypuffedhischestandwrappedanarmacrosshisgirl’sboobs.Joshveeredleft,laughing.
Iputahandovermysmile.Hisboyishcharmalwaysgotme.Hewasadorable.
Hemadehiswaybacktoourtableandscootedinnexttome,puttinganarmaroundme.“Youwereright.”
“Thatwasfuckinghilarious.”Igiggled,leaningintohim.
Hiseyesgleamedandhedrewhislowerlipbetweenhisteeth,lookingdownatmysmilingmouth.Andlikeitwasnobigdeal,likethereweren’tanyrules,asifwewereacouplejustoutonadate,havingagoodtime,heleanedinandkissedme.
AndIlethim.TWENTY-NINE
Josh
Shekissedmeback.Shedidn’tpushmeawayandgetpissed,shedidn’tobject.Shedidn’tremindmethatwe’rejustfuckbuddiesortellmethiswasn’tadate.
Shekissedmeback.
Ihadn’tbroughtuptheVegascall—Ididn’thaveto.Shewassodifferentwithmetodayitfinallyfeltlikewe’dturnedacorner.Maybeshe’dmissedmeallthoseweeksoritwasmetellingherIlovedherthatnightonthephone.MaybeshewasoverTyler.Icouldn’tbesurewhatfinallyopenedheruptome.AllIknewwasitwasagift.
Herfingersclutchedthefrontofmyshirt,andIpulledherin,pressingherintomychest,lovingthetasteofhopsonhertongue,inhalingherperfume.
Thekisswasslowandfullofemotion.Anditwasthefirsttimewe’dkissedwhenitwasn’taboutsex.
Icherishedthissmallgesture,thistinypublicdisplaythatIhadanyclaimtoher.Thisstolencontactthatdidn’tadheretoanyofherrules.
Whenwebrokeapart,hersidewayssmilewaslightandunguarded.Shedrapedherarmsaroundmyneck.“You’remyfavoritemonkeytothrowpoowith,youknowthat?”
Istaredintohereyes.“Thenwhyaren’twetogether,Kristen?”
Andthenlikethat,shewasgone.
Herexpressionfelllikeaheavycurtaindropping.
Ilosther.
Shesatupstraightandmovedawayfromme.“It’stimetogo,”shesaidflatly,lookingaroundforherpurse.
Disappointmentcutintome,razorsharpandviolent.Myhope,yankedoutfromunderme.
No.Nottoday.Notagain.
Iflexedmyjaw.“Kristen,answerme.Whyaren’twetogether?”
Whenshelookedup,herfacewascold.“Itoldyoufromtheverybeginningthatthiswasjustgoingtobesex.Ineverledyoutobelievethatitwasanythingdifferent,Josh.”
Ishookmyheadather.“Itissomethingdifferentandyoufuckingknowit.”
Sheturnedandslidoutoftheboothontheoppositeside.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“Togetanotherdrink,”shesaidwithoutlookingatme.“Astrongone.Feelfreetoleave.I’llUberhomealone.”
“Kristen!”
Sheignoredmeandwalkedtothebar.Irakedafrustratedhandthroughmyhair.
Ican’tdothisanymore.
AndIhadtoatthesametime.Icouldn’tnottakewhatlittlescrapsshethrewatme,buthowcouldIkeeplivinglikethis?
Weeksofthisroller-coasterride,ofglimpsesof…something.Ichasedit,ranafterthiselusiverainbowofawoman,neverreallycatchingupwithher.
Whydidshekeepdoingthis?
SheleanedonthebarandIsat,tryingtocalmmyselfdownalittlebeforeIwentafterher.Istaredmoodilyatthebusinesscardslacqueredintothetopofthetable.Iwasglancingupfromthiswhenheapproachedher.Somefuckingguy.
Heputhishandonher…
Ilaunchedoutoftheboothinaninstant.THIRTY
Kristen
Ihadtogetup,hadtobesomewherewherehewouldn’tseethepaininmyeyes.Mymaskcouldonlyholdupsolong.
Myboundarieshadbeenwaveringallday.I’dgottensloppy—I’dgottenstupid.I’djustmissedhimtoomuch,andwithsolittletimeleftIcouldn’thelpmyself.Ijustwantedtoshowhimhowhemademewanttobewithhim.Justtoday.
Justonce.
AndnowI’dfuckedeverythingup.Inevershouldhavestartedupwithhim.ItwasselfishandidiotictothinkIcouldpullthisoff.AndIshouldn’thavegoneovertheretoday.Ishouldhaveendedthingsafterkaraoke—Iknewbetter.Iknewhewashavingfeelings.
“AshotofPatrón.”Ileanedonthewornwoodenbar,imaginingJosh’seyesonmyback.
Thiswasit.Thelastday.Itwasallovernow.Nomore.
Alumpboltedtomythroat.
Well,itwasagoodday.Itwas.Atleasttherewasthat.ItcamesoonerthanI’dhoped,butherewewere.
AwarmbodyedgeduptomeasIwipedatearfrommycheekandIturned,expectingJosh.Butitwasoneofthefratguysfromthetablenexttousattrivia.
Hetossedhisheadback,flinginghairfromhisforehead.“Hey.Doyoubelieveinloveatfirstsight?”
Hewaswasted.Redeyes,reekingofJ?ger.Heleeredatme,waytooclose.
Iscootedaway.“No,butnowIbelieveinannoyedatfirstsight,”Imumbled.
Hesnappedhisfingersatthebartender.“She’llhaveanotherofwhatevershe’sgot.”Hepointedatme.
“Uh,no,shewon’t.”Iturnedtohim,irritated,andgavehimmybestsarcasticsmile.“What’syourname?”
Hebeamedunderruddycheeks.“Kyle.”
“Okay,Kyle.I’mtryingtobeabetterpersonthesedays,soI’mgoingtotellyoutofuckoffinthenicestwaypossible.”Igavehimcrazyeyes.“Fuckoff.Please.”
Helaughed.“Wow,okay.”Heblewasourbreathinmyface.
Thebartenderslidmytequilainfrontofme,andKyledroppedabillonthebar.Isliditbacktohim.“No.”Ishookmyheadincredulously.“Whatisitaboutthelookonmyfacethatisencouragingtoyourightnow?”
Ineverunderstoodmenwhowouldn’ttakenoforananswer.Iopenedmypurseandpaid.“Keepthechange.”ThenIpickedupmyshotandgaveKylemyback,shakingmyhead.
Hegrabbedmyarmfrombehind.“Hey,don’tbefuckingrude…”
Iwaslookingdownonhishand,readytointroducehimtomyelbow,whensuddenlyJoshwasthere.
HepushedbetweenmeandKyle,knockinghimawayfromme.“Hey,getyourfuckinghandsoffher.”
Thenhelurchedforwardwithashove,crashingintome,sloshingmyshotalloverthebar.
JoshmovedsoquicklyKyledidn’tknowwhathithim.
Joshwasbig,butheneverstruckmeassomeonewhocouldbefast.
Hewasaviper.
InasplitsecondhehadKyleshovedagainstthebarwithhisarmtwistedbehindhisback,hischeekpressedintothecounter.
Thebouncershowedupoutofnowhere.“Youandyou,out,”hesaid,pointingatJoshandKyle.
JoshletgoofhisdrunkidiotandIgrabbedmypurseandjumpedfrommystool,makingmyescapebeforehetriedtogetmetogowithhim.Ithreadedmywaythroughemptyhigh-toptablestowardtheladies’room,butJoshcaughtupandgrabbedmyarm.
“Soyou’rejustgonnarunfromme?We’renotgoingtotalkaboutthis?”
Iwhirledonhimandyankedmyarmdown.“No,we’renot.There’snothingtotalkabout.I’msingle,we’renotathing.Youknewthatfromthebeginning.”
Thepainrippledacrosshisface.
I’dneverseenhimlikethis.I’dneverseenhimworkedupbeforeaboutanything.Hewasalwayssolaidback,andallIcouldthinkwasthatI’dmanagedtohurtthissweetman.Itguttedme.Icouldn’tkeeplookingathim.
Imadetomovepasthimtotheladies’room,desperatetohidefromthedamageIcaused,butheblockedmyway.“Howcanyouactliketodaydidn’thappen,Kristen?”
“Josh,Idon’twanttoarguewithyou.Move,”Isaid,glaringathim.
HisjawsetandIpushedpasthim.ThenhepickedmeupandthrewmeoverhisshoulderlikeIwasafirehose.Hootingandcheeringeruptedinthebar.
“Josh!Putmedown!”
Istruggleduselesslyagainsthisgrip.Hehadseventy-fivepoundsonme,andhewasonamission.Iwasn’tgoinganywhere.Hisarmslockedlikeacage.
“You’renotrunningfrommeanymore,”hesaid.“You’retalkingtome.”
Hecameoutthroughthedoubledoorsintotheparkinglot,andhedidn’tsetmedownuntilwewereonthegrassydividerbythestreet.
AssoonasIgotmyfeetunderme,indignantragebubbledover.“Don’teverdothatagain.I’mnotyourfuckingpossession,”Ihissedathim.
Hiseyesflashed.“No,you’renotmyanything,areyou?I’mallowedtotouchyouaslongasIdon’tactlikeitmeanssomething,right?”
Theemotiononhisfacetwistedmyinsides.Anguishanddespairswirledinhiseyes.
Iturnedbackforthebartoescapethatlook,andhisarmswerearoundmyshouldersinasecond,lockingmybackagainsthischest.
Hislipswenttomyear.“Icanseethewayyoufeelaboutmewhenyoudon’tthinkanyoneislooking.Ifuckingseeit,Kristen.”Hisvoicecracked.“IrememberwhatyousaidtomethatnightinVegas.Iremember.”
Allofthefightdrainedoutofmybodyinaninstant.
Hebreathedintomyear.“Whywon’tyoujustletmeloveyou?”
Asobburstfrommymouth,andIwentlimpinhisarms.Heheldmeup,huggingmetohimself,absorbingmysurrender.
Iturnedinthecircleofhisembraceandburiedmycryinginhisshirt.HeputhisfaceintomyneckandheldmesotightlyIcouldn’tbreathe.ButIdidn’twanttobreathe.Iwantedtobehisprisoner.Iwantedtoneverescape.
Tearspouredoutofme.“Ican’t,Josh.”Igaspedintohischest.“Youdon’tknowitall.”
“Thentellme,”hesaid.Hepulledawayfrommeandspoketomyeyes.“Whatisit?BecauseIknowyouwantme.Iknowyou’reacting.Justtellmewhy.”
Howdoyousharesomethinglikethat?HowcouldItellhimthatmybodycouldneverdotheonethingheneededitto?Icouldn’t.Icouldn’tgetthewordsout.Icouldn’tbeartoseemyvaluedropinhiseyes,seehimrealizeIwasn’tactuallywhathewanted.
Lessofawoman.
Damagedgoods.
Barren.
Sterile.
Ishookmyhead,bitingmylipstogether.“Josh,youshouldjustforgetaboutme.Getseriouswithoneofthoseotherwomenyousee.Havesexwiththem.Moveon.”
Heletoutapuffofexasperation.“Whatotherwomen?Therearenootherwomen.Thereneverhasbeen.DoyouknowwhatI’mdoingwhenyouthinkI’mondates?I’mathome,alone,wishingIwaswithyou.Thisiswhatyou’vemademeinto.IpretendtoseeotherpeoplebecauseIknowifIdon’t,youwon’tseemeanymore.Why?”
“You…youhaven’tbeenseeinganyoneelse?”Iblinkedathim.
“Ofcoursenot.I’mfuckinginlovewithyou.”
Andlikehecouldn’tstandnottoforonemoresecond,hegrabbedmeandkissedme.Hislipswerepainedanddesperate,andIhopelesslykissedhimback.Iclimbedhim,combingmyhandsinhishair.IwishedIcoulddrowninhim.Ineededtoextinguishtheburningdisappointmentinmysoul,andforafewseconds,Idid.
AndthenIpushedhimaway.
HeletmegoandIstaggeredbackinthegrass,andhestoodthere,panting.
“Josh,Ican’tseeyouanymore,okay?Thisisover.”Ichokedonthewords.
IwatchedwhatIsaidhithimlikeasmack.“Why?”
Iwipedmyfacewiththebackofmyhandandblinkedthroughthetears.“Becauseyou’reobviouslytakingthiswaymoreseriouslythanyoushouldbe.Itoldyou.Itoldyoufromdayonethatthiswouldonlyeverbesex.Ineverliedtoyou.”
Hisjawwentrigid.“You’relyingtomerightnow.Iknowthisisn’twhatyouwant.Youfuckingloveme,Kristen.Juststop—”HereachedformeandIsmackedhishandaway.
Hestoodstaringatme,confusionandhurtetchedalloverhishandsomeface.“Whyaren’tIgoodenough?IsitbecauseIdon’tspeakadozenlanguages?Idon’thaveafuckingmaster’sdegree?Idon’tmakeenoughmoney?Whatisit?”
It’snotyou.
Iletthetearsrundownmyface,andIclutchedatmyfacade.“YouthoughtyoucouldchangemejustlikeyouthoughtyoucouldchangeCeleste.You’rechangingtherules,justlikeyoudidtoher.Don’tputyourshitonme,Josh.Yousaidyoucouldhandlethis.Yousaidyoucould—”
“I’mnotfuckingcrazy!StopactinglikeI’mmakingthisup!”Hedraggedhishandsdownhisfaceandballedhisfistsoverhiseyes.Hestoodthere,hisbreathcomingoutingasps,andIwantedtoruntohimanddiveintohisarms.ButIdidn’tbudge.
“We’reinlove,”hesaid,blinkingatmethroughtears.“Weare.Whyareyoudoingthis?”
Mybottomliptrembled.“Fine.Sowe’reinlove.Whatdoyouwantfromme,Josh?”
Heletoutashakybreath,andtherelieftransformedeveryinchofhisbody.Hiseyessoftenedintohope.
Heclosedthespacebetweenusandgatheredmyfaceinhishands.“Iwantwhatwehadtoday,allthetime.Iwanttobewithyou.Iwanttoholdyourhandonawalkandkissyouinadamnbooth.Iwantyoutoanswermyfuckingcallsandletmehugyou.IwanttomakeplanswithyouonNewYear’sandmybirthdayandtellpeopleyou’remygirlfriend.”Hiseyesbeggedme.“Please,Kristen.Just…stop.”
“Ican’thavechildren.”
IforceditfrommyselfbeforeIlosttheabilitytodoit.
Ithadthedesiredeffect.Hefroze.
“What?”hebreathed.
“Ican’thavechildren.Ihaveacondition.I’llneverhavethem.”
Hishandsdroppedfrommyface.Hestaredatmewithhismouthopen,thecolordrainingfromhischeeks.“Youcan’t…whatdoyou…what?”
Itookafewstepsbackward,givingmyselfaheadstart.Hedidn’tmove.Hejuststoodthere,shellshocked,gawkingatme.
Whenhedidn’treachformeagain,Iturnedandran.THIRTY-ONE
Josh
Igottothefirestationearlythismorning.Ihadnohopeofsleepingandneededthedistraction.
Kristennevercamehomelastnight.
Fuck,Ishouldn’thaveletherrunoff.Iwasjustsoshocked.Itfeltlikeshe’dhandedmeabombanditdetonatedinmyface,peltingmewithemotionalshrapnel.Myearshadliterallystartedtoringafterwhatshe’dsaid,andshe’dboltedandjumpedintothecarofsomegirlshe’dmetduringtrivia,andshewasgoneinaninstant.Ithappenedsofast.
I’dstayedup,waitingforherinherlivingroom.Callinghercellphone,sendinghertextmessages,begginghertocomehomeandtalktome.
Shesentmeatextaroundmidnightsayingonlythatshewasokay,shewasn’tcomingback,andtopleasewalkthedog.
Everythingwasfinallyclear.Itallmadesense.ItwassoobvioustomenowIwonderedhowIcouldn’thaveknown.Theseverecramps,thespotting.Herhistoryofanemia.Thelongperiods.
Thewallssheputbetweenus.
Andallthefucked-upthingsI’vesaidtoher.
ThatIwouldn’tadopt.ThatIwantedahugefamily.ThatI’dleftCelestebecauseshedidn’twantchildren.
Karaokenightsuddenlylookedtotallydifferenttome,theweeksafteritwhereshe’dgonecold—I’dtoldherthatifTylerdidn’twantkids,sheshouldn’tbewithhim.Thatthekidthingwastooimportant.
I’dactuallytoldherthatshit.
I’dbeentalkingKristenoutofdatingmealmostdailysincethedayImether.
Fuck,ifonlyI’dknown.
I’dhadallnighttothinkaboutwhatitmeant,anditdidn’tchangeanything.Ilovedher.Icouldn’tnotbewithher.That’swhatitkeptcomingbackto.Icouldn’twalkawayfromher—Iwasn’tevencapableofit.Thesituationwasfuckedupandstar-crossed,andIdidn’tgiveashit.ShewasthewomanIloved,sowe’djusthavetodealwithit.
Istoodinthekitchenmakingmysecondpotofcoffee.Theguyswerenapping.Theweddingwasineightdays,andBrandonwasoffforthreeweeks.WehadanewguynamedLukewe’dborrowedfromanotherstation.IwasspooninggroundsintothemachinewhenIheardhervoice.
“Joshua…”
Ispunaroundandhadherinmyarmsinaheartbeat.“Kristen,ohGod,thankyou,”Ibreathed,kissingthesideofherneck.
Itwaslikeareprievefromaprisonsentence,seeingher.Iwasstuckherefortwodays,twodaysthatIwouldn’tbeabletogettoher,andshe’dcometome
Butshedidn’thugmeback.Sheputherhandstomychestandtriedtomakespacebetweenus.“Josh,Ijustcametotalktoyou,okay?”
Ididn’ttakemyhandsfromherwaist.Herfacewaspuffy,likeshe’dbeenupallnightcrying.Deepcirclesunderhereyes.Ileanedintokissherandsheturnedfromme.
“Ineedyoutostandoverthere.”Shenoddedtothekitchencounter.“Please.”
Ifsheleft,Iwouldn’tbeabletogoafterher.Iwasonshiftandcouldn’tleavethestation.Ididn’twanttolethergo,butIdidn’twanthertorunoffagain,soIsteppedback.
Sheworeleggingsandoneofheroff-the-shouldershirtsthatIloved,andeventhoughshelookedtired,shewasthemostbeautifulwomanI’devenseen.
Andshelovesme.
Ididn’tevenknowwhatIdidtodeserveher,butIknewI’ddoanythingtomakeupforthewayI’dmadeherfeel.
Shetookadeepbreath.“I’mhavingapartialhysterectomytheweekafterthewedding,”shesaidflatly.“Ihaveuterinefibroids.They’retumorsthatgrowonthewallsofmyuterus.Mineareimbedded.Theycan’tbesurgicallyremoved,andtheydidn’trespondtotreatment.Theycauseheavybleedingandcramping.And…andinfertility.”Shesaidthelastwordlikeshehadtoforceitout.
Shetuckedherhairbehindherearandlookedawayfromme,tearswellinginherbeautifuleyes.“I’msorryIdidn’ttellyou.Itwasembarrassingforme.AndIdon’tneedyoutosayanything.Ijustneededyoutoknowwhy.Becauseitwasnevermyintentiontomakeyoufeelunwanted.”Herchinquiveredandmyheartbroke.“Ididwantyou,Josh.”Shelookedbackatme.“Ialwayshave.Youdidn’timagineanything.”
Theadmissionthatshe’dwantedmemademyheartreachforher.Itookasteptowardher,andshetookastepback.
Iputmyhandsup.“Kristen,nothinghaschanged.Myfeelingsforyouhaven’tchanged.Iwantyou,nomatterwhat.I’msosorry—Ididn’tknow.WhenIsaid—”
Sheshookherhead.“Josh,thisisn’topenfordiscussion.Ididn’tcomeheretotellyousoyoucoulddecidewhetheryouwanttodateme.That’snotevenonthetable.Ijustrealizedthatforthelastfewweeks,Imadeyoufeelunloved.AndI’mreallysorry.Ithoughtyou…well,Ididn’tknowyouhadfeelingsforme.IthoughtonlyI…Anyway,that’smyfault.Ishouldhaveneverletthathappen.”
Iscoffed.“Therewasnothingyoucouldhavedonetokeepmefromfallinginlovewithyou.EvenifI’dknownthisfromtheverybeginning,itwouldn’thavekeptmeaway.Youshouldhavetoldme.”
“No,Ishouldhavestayedawayfromyou,”shesaid.“I’msorryIdidn’t.”
Thecallbellwentoff,andtheredlightsstartedblinking.Threebeepsandthen,“Trafficcollision,motorcycledownontheintersectionofVerdugoandSanFernandoBoulevard.”
Fuck.
“Youhavetogo.”Sheturnedtowardthedoor.
Ilungedafterher,grabbingherhand.“Wait…justwait.”
Shelookedupatme,hereyessad.“There’snothingelsetotalkabout,Josh.”
“Thereis.Willyouwaitformetogetback?Please?Justwaithere.Twentyminutes,sowecantalk.”
Shepressedherlipsintoaline.
“Please,Kristen.”
Westaredateachotherforwhatseemedlikeaneternity.Shenodded.“Okay.”
Ibreathedasighofreliefandbeforeshecouldobject,Ipulledherintomeandkissedher.“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.“Waitforme.”ThenIturnedandjoggeddownthehallastherestofthecrewstreamedoutofthebedrooms.
Leavingherfeltwrong.EverythingbetweenuswasfragileandIknewhoweasilyshecouldshutdownonme.Thetimingofthiscallcouldn’thavebeenworse.Ipracticallydoveintothedriver’sseat,determinedtogetthisoverwithasquicklyashumanlypossible.
TheguysgotinandShawnputonhisheadset.“Kristen’shere,huh?”
“Notnow,Shawn.”Iturnedonthelightsandpulledoutintothestreet.Theaccidentwasonlyablockover,thankGod.
Javieropenedthelaptop.“MightbeaDUI,”hesaid,readingthenotesfromDispatch.
Lukescoffedfromtheseatbehindme.“Notevennineinthemorning.”
“Hey,it’sfiveo’clocksomewhere.”Shawnsnickered.“So,what’sgotherpantiesinabunchnow?”
IturnedontoVerdugoandgaveShawnthefingerovermyshoulder.
Ipulleduptotheaccident.Thepolicewerealreadyonthescene,blockingtrafficattheintersection,soIparkedtheenginebehindacopcarwithitslightson,andShawn,Javier,andLukehoppedouttogetthetraumakit.
AHiltonGardenInn,newer-lookingapartments,andanartists’seniorlivingcomplexflankedthefour-lane,tree-linedroad.Thebrown,tiredVerdugoMountainsloomedinthedistance.
IcheckedmywatchasIclimbedoutoftheengine.IfshewasgonewhenIgotback,I’dlosemyfuckingmind.
She’dsaidshe’dstay,andsheusuallydidwhatshesaidshewould.Butthisthinghadhershaken,andIcouldn’twaitforty-eighthourstorunafterherifshetookoffonmeagain.I’dgoinsane.
Mymindwasexhausted.Ihadn’tsleptlastnight.Ididn’tfullyabsorbeverythingshe’dsaidinthekitchenandsomeofitbegantocatchuptomenow.
Ididn’tcomeheretotellyousoyoucoulddecidewhetheryouwanttodateme.That’snotevenonthetable.
IfKristenthoughtIwasgoingtolethergo,shewasfuckingnuts.NotnowthatIknewshelovedme.Notever.
Ifinallyunderstoodthekindoflovethatmademengiveupeverything.Thekindthatmadesomeonechangereligionsorgoveganormovetotheothersideoftheworldtobewiththewomantheyloved.IfsomeonehadtoldmesixmonthsagothatI’dchooseawomanwhocouldn’thavekids,I’dhavecalledhimcrazy.Butbeingwithherwasn’tevensomethingIhadtothinkabout.Ididwantkids.ButIwantedherfirst.Everythingelsewasjusteverythingelse.
Sure,apartofmegrievedalifeIknewIwouldn’thavenow.KidsthatI’dnevermeet,afuturedifferentfromtheoneI’dspentthelastfewyearswanting.ButIprocesseditlikeI’dbeentheonewhojustgotadiagnosis.Becauseinaway,Ihad.Thisthingdidn’tfeellikeherproblem.Itfeltlikeourproblem,tofigureouttogether.Itwasasmuchmineasitwashers.
Ifellinnexttotheguysandwemadeourwayontothescene,ourfeetcrunchingoverbrokenglass.
Isteppedoveraside-viewmirrorandnoddedtoacoptalkingtoasobbingwomanbytheopendoorofherblueKia.Iassumeditwastheothervehicleinvolvedintheaccident.Thebumperhaddamage.
Noskidmarks.Theladyblewrightthrougharedlight.
“Probablyprescriptionpainpills,”Lukemumbled.
Shawnscoffed.“Shelookslikevodkatome.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ihopetheaccidentdidn’truinherbuzz.She’llneeditwhereshe’sgoing.”
Wesawtoomuchofthisbullshit.AndnowIhadtobeherecleaningupthislady’smessinsteadoftalkingtoKristen.
JaviernudgedLuke,andheveeredofftocheckonthelady.
Itriedtoputmyselfintoworkmode,thoughmostofitwasautopilotatthispoint.
Themotorcycleriderlayfacedowntwentyfeetaway.He’dbeenthrown.Iknewwalkinguptheinjurieswerebad.Bythelooksofhistwistedleg,he’dbeenpinnedbetweenthecarandhisbikeduringimpact.Themangledbikesatonitssidenexttoaplanterfullofbirds-of-paradiseonthesidewalkinfrontofthehotel.
IstaredatthebikeasIwalked.
Thebike…aTriumph,butwiththatnewexhausthejustputon.
Ilookedbackatthepatient,everythingsuddenlyslowing.
Thehelmet…ablacked-outBellQualifierDLX.
Theman’sshirt…fromthegiftshopattheWynninVegas.
ShawnandJaviermusthavenoticeditatthesamemoment,becausewithoutspeaking,weallbegantorunthelastfewfeet.
Brandon.
ItwasBrandon
Ifelltomykneesontheasphalt.“Hey!Hey,canyouhearme?”
OhmyGod…
Hewasunconscious.Iputahandtohisbackandfelttheslightriseandfall.
Breathing.He’salive.
ThisisBrandon.HowisthisBrandon?
Ipickeduphishandandcheckedforaradialpulseinhiswrist.Itwasweakandthready.Icouldbarelyfeelit.
Itmeantbloodloss.
Ididn’tseehimbleedingheavily,soithadtobeinternal.
Internalbleeding.
Hecouldbedying.
Mymindraced.Weneededtogethimstableandintotheambulance.
Shawndoveintohistraumabag,kneelinginarivuletofmetallic-smellingblood.“Fuck,fuck,fuck!Comeon,fucker,you’regettingmarried!Yougottabeokay!”
Sloan.
Myheartpoundedinmyears.“He’sgoingtobefine.You’regoingtobefine,buddy.”
Igotoutmypocketlight,openedhisvisor,andpulledbackhiseyelids.Hispupilsshranktosmallblackdots.Theywereequalandreactive.Good.Thatwasagoodsign.Hedidn’thavebraindamage.Notyet.WeneededtogethimtotheERbeforehisbrainstartedtoswell.
Igulpedair.Ihadtostaycalm.Staycalm!
Theambulancepulledup,andJavierjoggedtomeetthem.
“Ineedac-spineandagurney!”Ishouted.
JesusChrist,hishelmetwasfucked.Dentedfromtheimpact.Coveredinskidmarks.
Shedidn’tstop.Theladydidn’tfuckingstop.Itwasaforty-mile-per-hourzone.Aforty-mile-per-hourimpactifshewasn’tspeeding.
Andsheprobablywas.
Ipulledoutmytraumashearsandstartedcuttingoffhisclothes.“Sorry,Iknowyoulikethisshirt,buddy.We’llgobackandgetyouanotherone,okay?”Myvoiceshook.
AsIcutawayfabric,moreinjuriesbloomedoverhisbodybeforemyeyes.
Igrappledtomakesenseofit.
Wherethefuckhadhebeengoing?Whywasn’thehomewithSloan?
Histux.Hehadafinaltuxfittingtodayat9:00a.m.Hetoldmeaboutit.
Whycouldn’thehavebeenlate?Orearly?Whydidn’thetakehisgoddamntruck?Oradifferentstreet?
Icuthispantsoff.Hehadabreak.Compoundfracture,leftleg.Hisfemurpushedjaggedthroughhisskin.
Iswallowedhardlookingoverhismangledbody,andmybraintickedoffinjuries
Serious.
Serious.
Serious.
IlookedupatShawn’swide,frightenedeyes.“We’llhavetologrollhimontothebackboard.Wecan’tpulltractiononthisleg.Let’sgethishelmetoff,”Isaidquickly.
JavierranabackboardoverwhileShawnkneeledandcradledBrandon’shead.Ireachedaroundandunclippedthestrap,andwekepthisneckstablewhilewepulledthehelmetoff.Hisbrownhairwasmattedwithblood.
Shawnwascrying.“Thebitchdidn’tevenfuckingstop.”
“Keepittogether,”Javiersaidcalmly.“Lookatme,Shawn.He’sapatient.Hecanbeyourbuddywhenthiscallisover.Rightnowhe’sapatient.Doyourjobandhe’llbeokay.”
Shawnnodded,tryingtocollecthimself.JaviersnappedthecervicalcollaronBrandon’sneckandweallputourhandsonhim,readytofliphim.
“Onthecountofthree,”Javiersaid,notlookingup,sweatbeadingonhisforehead.“One,two,three!”Andinonefluidmotionweturnedhimontothebackboard.
Brandonalwaysworeheavy-dutypantswhenherode.ButhewasinaT-shirt.Itwaseightytoday.Hisbareleftarmwastorntoshredsbytheasphalt.Helookedlikehe’dbeenthroughalemonzester.Bloodoozedfromthewhitestreaksoftheunderlayerofhisskin.Andthiswastheleastofhisworries.
Shawn,Javier,andanEMTliftedhimontothegurneywhileIfelthischestandstomach.Hehadribfracturesandrigidityinhisabdomen.“Apossibleliverlaceration,”Isaid,alumpboltingtomythroat.
Javiermumbledacurseword,andShawnshookhishead,hiseyesredandglassy.
Weneededtogethimtothehospital.
Theambulancecrewtookover.
IrattledoffwhatIknewasweranhimtotheopenambulancedoors,myvoiceprofessionalanddisembodied,likeitcamefromsomeoneelse,someonewhowasn’tstandingoverhiscriticallyinjuredbestfriend.“Twenty-nine-year-oldmale,motorcycleriderstruckbyvehicle,throwntwentyfeetfromthepointofimpact.Helmethassignificantdamage.Aweakened,threadyradialpulse.Pupilsareequalandreactive.Openfemurfracture,severeroadrash.Unresponsive.”
IclimbedintotheambulanceandsawthewomanfromtheblueKiabeingslappedintohandcuffsasthedoorsslammedshutbehindus.
We’dgottenhimintheambulanceinlessthanfiveminutes.Iworrieditwasfiveminutestoolong.
Ileanedoverhim.“Hey,buddy.”Myvoicecracked.“Holdon.You’llbeallright.I’mgoingtogetSloanoverhere,okay?”
Tearsstungmyeyes,butmyhandskeptworking,runningonmusclememory.IsetuphisIVenroute.TheEMTputhimonoxygenwhilethedrivercalleditin.
Wecycledhisbloodpressure.PuthimonanEKGtomonitorhisheart.Butnoneofthishelpedhim.Itwasnothingbutreassess.That’sallwecoulddo.Reassess.Itwasthelongestrideofmylife.
Finallytherigturnedhardintothehospitalparkinglot.
TheEKGflatlined.
“No!”Istartedchestcompressionstothelong,staticbeepoftheheartratemonitorastheambulancepulleduptotheER.“Comeon,Brandon,comeon!”
TheambulancedoorsswungopenandIclimbedthegurneyandstraddledhim,pumpinghischestwiththepalmsofmyhands.Javier,Shawn,andLukewerewaiting,andIduckedastheyloweredusbothoutoftheambulanceandwheeledusintothetraumaroom.
“He’scrashing!”Iscreamedbetweenthrusts.“We’relosinghim!”
Theemergencyroomteamdescendedonthegurney.
Theroomwaschaos.Shoutingandbarkedorders,beepingmachinesandthesqueakysoundofwheelsrollingonahardfloor.Ikeptdoingchestcompressionsuntiltheyranoverthecrashcart.Ididn’tstopuntilIsawpaddles.
AdoctorinawhitecoatwaitedformetoclearthegurneyandthenhepressedthechargetoBrandon’schest.“Clear!”
Brandon’sbodylurchedwiththejoltandeveryonefroze,staringatthelinesonthemonitor.
Nothing.
“Clear!”
Helurchedagain.
Wewaited.
ThejaggedVofaheartbeatlaunchedtheroombackintoaction,andIbreathedagain.
Iwasbackedoutintothehallwaybythethrongofpeopleworkingonhim.Theystartedacentralline.TheystartedX-rays.Neurologywascalled.Andthenacurtainyankedclosedanditwasdone.Therewasnothingelsewecoulddoforhim.Thatwasit.
Itwasoutofourhands.
Istoodtherepanting,inshock,theadrenalinecrashingintomenowthatI’dstoppedmoving.Ilookeddownatmyself,myhandstrembling.Iwascoveredinhisblood.
Coveredinmybestfriend’sblood.
Lukespokefrombehindme.“Shewasdrunk.”
Myhandsballedintofists,andShawnstartedtowheeze.
Sloan.IneededKristentogetSloan.Iwalkedoutside,prayingtoGodthatKristenansweredmycall,thatshehadn’tdecidedtoicemeoutagainintheshorttimesinceI’dseenher.Ifshedidn’tanswerandIhadtotexther,Iwouldn’tbeabletodoit.MyhandsshooksoviolentlynowthatitwasallIcoulddotounlockmyphoneandpulluphernumber.
IthadbeentwentyminutessinceI’dseenher.Twentyminutesthatfeltlikealifetime.
Ipressedthephonetomyear,myhandshaking.
Iwouldn’tbeabletostaywithhim.Mystationhadmandatedstaffing.Icouldn’tleaveuntilsomeonerelievedme.Ihadtogoback.
“Hey.”HervoicegavemethefirstfullbreathI’dtakeninalmosthalfanhour.Justknowingshewasontheotherendofthelinegroundedme.Everythingthathadhappenedbetweenusfeltyearsawayandunimportant.
“Kristen,Brandon’sbeeninanaccident.”
Itoldhereverything.Iknewshewouldtakecareoftherest.Shewascapable—she’dgetSloantothehospital.
WhenIgotback,Javierpacedthehallway,makingphonecallstocoverourshifts,afingerpressedtohisear.Buttherewerefiresupnorth.Itwouldbehardtofindsomeone.WewerealreadyborrowingLukeasitwas.
ShawnbreathedintoapaperbagwithLukecrouchednexttohim,lookingworried.“Theyjustwheeledhimofftosurgery,”Lukesaid.
IsliddownagainstthewalloftheERhallwayasnursesandstaffstreamedbyme.Iputmypalmstomyeyelidsandcriedlikeababy.THIRTY-TWO
Kristen
IhungupwithJosh,andtheswitchflippedinmyhead.
Sloancalleditmyvelociraptorbrainbecauseitmademefierceandsharp.Somethingbighadtotriggerit,andwhenitdid,mycompulsive,laser-focused,primalsideactivated.TheonethatgotmeanearperfectscoreonmySATsandgotmethroughcollegefinalsandMom.TheonethatmademecleanwhenIwasstressedandthreatenedtolaunchintofull-scalemanicOCDifleftunchecked—thatkickedin.
Emotiondrainedaway,thetirednessfromstayingupallnightcryingdissipated,andIbecamemypurpose.
Ididn’tdohysterics.Neverhad.Whenincrisis,Ibecamesystematicandefficient.
Andthetransitionwasnowcomplete.
IweighedonlyforasecondwhethertocallSloanandtellherorgopickherup.Idecidedtopickherup.Shewouldbetooupsettodriveproperly,butknowingher,shewouldtryanyway.
FromJosh’sexplanationofthesituation,Brandonwouldn’tbeoutofthehospitalanytimesoon.Sloanwouldn’tleaveBrandon,andIwouldn’tleaveher.Shewouldneedthingsforthestay.Peoplewouldneedtobecalled.Arrangementsmade.
IbegantocompilealistinmyheadofthingstodoandthingstopackasIquicklybutmethodicallydrovetoSloan’s.Phonecharger,headphones,blanket,changeofclothesforSloan,toiletries,andherlaptop.
Ittookmetwentyminutestogettoherhouse,andIgotoutofmycarreadyforasurgicalextraction.
Istoodthere,surroundedbytheearthysmellofSloan’sjust-wateredpottedporchflowers.Thedooropened,andItookinherblissfullyignorantfaceonemoretime.
“Kristen?”
Itwasn’tunusualformetostopby.Butsheknewmewellenoughtoinstantlyknowsomethingwaswrong.
“Sloan,Brandonhasbeeninanaccident,”Isaidcalmly.“He’salive,butIneedyoutogetyourpurseandcomewithme.”
IknewimmediatelythatI’dbeenrighttocomegetherinsteadofcalling.OnelookatherandIknewshewouldn’thavebeenabletoputafootinfrontoftheother.WhileImobilizedandbecamestrongunderstress,shefrozeandweakened.
“What??”shebreathed.
“Wehavetohurry.Comeon.”Ipushedpastherandsystematicallyexecutedmychecklist.Igavemyselfatwo-minutewindowtograbwhatwasneeded.
Hergymbagwouldbeinthelaundryroom,alreadyfilledwithtoiletriesandherheadphones.Igrabbedthat,pulledasweaterfromhercloset,selectedachangeofclothesforher,andstuffedherlaptopinsidethebag.
WhenIcameoutoftheroom,shehadmanagedtograbherpurseasinstructed.Shestoodbythesofalookingshaken,hereyesmovingbackandforthlikeshewastryingtofigureoutwhatwashappening.
HercellphonesatbyhereaselandIsnatchedit,pullingthechargerfromthewall.Igrabbedherfavoritethrowblanketfromthesofaandstuffedthatinthebagandzippedit.
Listcomplete.
ThenItookherbytheelbow,lockedherfrontdoor,anddraggedhertothecar.
“Wha…whathappened?Whathappened!”shescreamed,finallycomingoutofhershock.
Iopenedupthepassengerdoorandputherin.“Buckleyourselfup.I’lltellyouwhatIknowontheway.”
WhenIgotaroundtothedriver’sside,shehadherphonetoherear.“He’snotanswering.He’snotanswering!Whathappened,Kristen?!”
Igrabbedherfaceinmyhands.“Listentome.Lookatme.Heisalive.Hewashitonhisbike.Joshwentonthecall.Hewasunconscious.Itwasclearhehadsomebrokenbonesandapossibleheadinjury.He’sattheER,andIneedtogetyoutothehospitaltobewithhim.ButIneedyoutobecalm.”
Herbrowneyeswereterrified,butshenodded.
“RightnowyourjobistocallBrandon’sfamily,”Isaidfirmly.“RelaywhatIjustsaidtoyou,calmly.CanyoudothatforBrandon?”
Shenoddedagain.“Yes.”Herhandsshook,butshedialed.
IdrovefastandcarefullywhileSloanmadecalls.Iscannedtheroadandwenttwentyoverthespeedlimitonthefreeway.Izippedaroundcarsusingmyblinkerandhandwaves.Whenwegottothehospital,Idroppedheroffattheemergencyroomentranceandparked,thenranwithherbagtomeetheratthefrontdesk.
“He’sinsurgery,”shesaidtearfullywhenIjoggedinthroughtheautomaticdoorsoftheER,myshoessqueakingonthewhiteshinyfloors.
Ilookedatthewomanbehindthecheck-indesk,likearobotgatheringdata.Icouldseeeverything.Theagespotsonherforehead,thegraywispsalongherhairline.Thesterile,whitecountertopandtheshimmerinthepetalsofpinkrosesinavasebehindthedesk.“Wherecanwewait?Andcanyouinformthedoctorthathisfamilyishere?”
Weweresenttoaprivatewaitingareafortheneurologydepartmentonthethirdfloor.Brightlylit,plasticpottedplantstuckedinthecornersoftheroom,serenebluewalls,uniformgraytweedupholsteredchairs,magazinesandboxesoftissuesoneveryendandcoffeetable.
Sloanscannedtheroom.Maybeitwasthefinalityofit—thecessationofforwardmovement—butthiswaswhensheofficiallybrokedown.Sheburiedherfaceinherhandsandwept.“Whyisthishappening?”
Iwrappedhersweateraroundherandputherinachair.“Idon’tknow,Sloan.Whydoesanythinghappen?”
Iknewwhatthingshadtobedone,whatIhadtodotomakehercomfortable.ButIcouldn’tfeelanyofthepanicorgriefthatIsawinSloan.IfeltlikeIwaswatchingamoviewiththesoundoff.Icouldseewhatwashappening,butIcouldn’tconnecttothecharacters.
Wewaited.Andwaited.Andwaited.
ApoliceofficercameinandaskedSloansomequestions.ConfirmedBrandon’snameandaddress.Thenhetoldusthatthewomanwhohadcausedtheaccidenthadbeenarrestedfordrivingundertheinfluence.
Sloansobbedagainwhensheheardthat.
Icoveredherwithherblanketandgotheracoffee.Ipluggedinherphone,madehereathalfofatunasandwich.
Familybegantoshowupandtheyhuddledaroundthewaitingroom,whisperingandcrying.Brandon’smomprayedinSpanishoverarosary.
IsatnexttoSloan,feigningemotion,doingallthemotions.Lookingsomberandrubbingherbackbutfeelingemptyandremovedbecausemycrisisresponsewasstillineffect.
Nowthattherushwasgone,thevelociraptorpaced.Icouldn’tshutoffmybrainandtheneedtobedoingsomething.Buttheonlythingtodowaswait.Ibouncedmykneeandpickedatmycuticlesuntiltheybled.ItextedJoshandkepthimposted.They’dfoundareplacementforhimatwork,buthecouldn’tleaveuntil8:00p.m.
Then,tenhoursaftertheaccident,thedoctorcameout.
SloanboltedfromherchairandIfollowed,readytoabsorbwhathesaidwithanaccuracythatIwouldbeabletotransposeontopaper,wordforword,twodayslater.
Brandon’smomwrappedhersweatertighteraroundherselfandstoodshouldertoshoulderwithSloan.Brandon’sdadputanarmaroundhiswife.
Itriedtofigureouttheoutcomefromthedoctor’slined,angularface,buthewasunreadable.
“I’mDr.Campbell,theresidentneurosurgeon.Brandonisoutofsurgery.He’sstable.Wewereabletostoptheinternalbleeding.Ihadtoremovealargepieceofhisskulltoalleviatethepressureonhisbrain.”
Sloangaspedandstartedsobbingagain.Iputanarmaroundher,sandwichingherbetweenBrandon’smomandmeasshebreathedintoherhands.
Thedoctorwenton.“Thegoodnewsisthere’sbrainactivity.Now,Ican’tsaywhathisrecoveryisgoingtolooklikeatthisjuncture,butthetestsweranwerepromising.He’sgoingtohavealongroadaheadofhim,butI’mfeelingoptimistic.”
Theroomtookacollectivedeepbreath.
“Fornowwe’regoingtobekeepinghimonaventilatorinamedicallyinducedcomatoallowtheswellingtogodownandgivehisbrainachancetohealitself.Wewon’tknowtheextentofhisinjuriesuntilhecomesoutofthatcoma.Butagain,Ifeeloptimistic.He’sastrongyoungman.”
“CanIseehim?”Sloanwipedathereyes.
“He’llbeinrecoveryforthenexthour.OncetheygethimsetupintheICU,hecanhavevisitors.Fifteenminutesonly,nomorethantwopeopleatatime.”
“Whenwillhebeofftheventilator?”Iasked.
“Thatalldependsonhim.Couldbedays.Couldbeweeks.Weeksisthemorelikelyscenario.”
Dr.Campbellhandedusofftotheorthopedicsurgeon,whowentoverthenextstepstodealwithBrandon’sbrokenbones.Anothersurgeontoldusabouttherepairstothelacerationtohisliver.Thenaplasticsurgeontalkedtousabouttheskingraftshewouldneedtocovertheextensiveroadrashonhisleftarm.
Bythetimethedoctorsweredonewithus,Sloanwaswiped.IputherbackinherchairandcalledJosh.
ThephonewasstillringingwhenIhearditbehindme.Ispunandtherehewas.
ThesecondIsawhim,myemotionaldisconnectfromthesituationclickedoff.Mycopingmechanismsnappedawayfrommelikearubberbandshotacrossaroom,andtheweightofwhathappenedhitme.Sloan’sgrief,Brandon’scondition—Josh’strauma.Idoveintohisarms,instantlywithered.
I’dnevertrustedanyoneelsetobetheoneincontrol,andmymanicmindgaveittohimimmediatelyandwithoutreservationandretreatedbackintoitself.
Heclutchedme,andIheldhimtighterthanI’deverheldanyoneinmylife.Iwasn’tsureifIwascomfortinghim,orifIwaslettinghimcomfortme.AllIknewwassomethingsubconsciousinmetoldmeIdidn’thavetoholdtheworldupanymorenowthathewashere.
“I’msogladyou’rehere,”Iwhispered,breathinghiminasmybodyturnedbackonfrombeinginsuspendedanimation.Thesoundtothemoviearoundmeturnedallthewayup.Myheartbegantopound,Igaspedintohisneck,andtearsinstantlyfloodedmyeyes.
Heputhisforeheadtomine.Helookedlikeshit.He’dlookedbadthismorningatthestation—Iknewhehadn’tslept.Butnowhiseyeswereredlikehe’dbeencrying.“Anyupdates?”Hisvoicewasraspy.
Icouldn’tevencomprehendhowharditmusthavebeenforhimtoseewhathesawandstayatwork,goingoncalls.Iwantedtocoverhimlikeablanket.Iwantedtocoverthemboth,JoshandSloan,andshieldthemfromthis.
Iputahandtohischeek,andheturnedintoitandclosedhiseyes.
“Hejustgotoutofsurgery,”Isaid.ThenItoldhimeverything,myhandsonhischestliketheyanchoredme.Hestoodwithhisarmsaroundmywaist,noddingandlookingatmelikehewasworriedIwastheonewhowasn’tokay.
Itdidn’tescapemethatwewereholdingeachotherandIdidn’tcarewhatitmeantorwhatwrongsignalsitmightsendtohimatthemoment.IjustknewthatIneededtotouchhim.Ineededthismomentarysurrender.
Forbothofus.THIRTY-THREE
Josh
ItwasseveralhoursbeforeIgottoseeBrandon.ThelimitwasstrictonvisitorsintheICU,andSloanandBrandon’simmediatefamilytookfirstrun.
Itwasnightalready.Ihadsomehowmanagedtolivethroughtheworstdayofmylife.Icheckedmywatch:11:18p.m.IsatinthewaitingroomwithKristenandSloanandafluctuating,thinningcrowdofBrandon’srelatives.
Kristenheldmyhand.
Shehadn’tstoppedtouchingmesinceIgothere.Iwasgrateful.Ineededher.Justbeingtherewithhersoothedme.I’dbeenspinningatwork,theimagesofBrandonrunningonacontinuousloopthroughmyhead.Thesmellofblood,thecrackofhisribsundermypalms,everyinjury,replayingitselfagainandagain,andme,questioningwhetherI’ddonetherightthingwitheachone.IfI’ddoneenoughtosavehislife.
ButKristen’sfingerslacedthroughminequieteditall.Icouldn’tpicturegoingthroughthiswithouther.Ididn’tknowhowI’dbecopingifitwasn’tforher.
Sloanwasafuckingmess.Kristenseemedtoorbitaroundherinaconstantstreamofawareness,evenwhenKristenputherheadonmyshoulderanddriftedoff.Sloangotuptousethebathroom,andKristenopenedhereyeslikeshecoulddetectthesoundofSloanmoving,eveninhersleep.
Kristenwatchedherfriendwalkfromtheroom.WhenSloanwasgone,Kristenlookedupatmewiththosebrowneyes,onehandtangledinmineandtheotheronmychest,andIwaswholejustlookingather.
Thiscrisislaideverythingbare.
I’dfoundmyperson.
Shewasthefoundation.Shewasthethingthatallotherthingsarebuilton.Everythingwassecondarytobeingwithher.Itdidn’tmatterwhereIworkedorifIlikedmyjob,whereIlivedorhowmanykidsIhad.Myhappiness,mysanity,mywell-being—itallstartedwithher.AndnowthatIknewthat,Ididn’twanttojustbeherboyfriend—Iwantedeverything.Iwantedhertobemywife.Iwantedtowakeuptohereverydayfortherestofmylife.
Weneededtotalk.Notnow.Itwasn’ttherightplaceortime.Butweneededtotalk.
“Youcangoinnow.”Anursebrokeintomythoughts.
Kristensatupandgavemyarmasqueeze.“Wantmetogoinwithyou?”
“No.Sloanwillwanttoseehimagain.I’llbefine.”Istood.
Brandon’sparentshadgonehometodealwiththeirdogsandtotakeshowers.OnlyBrandon’ssister,Claudia,remainedinthewaitingroom.She’dalreadygoneintwiceoverthelasttwohoursandwassleepingonabench.
ThenursebuzzedmeintotheICU.
Ipeeredintodimopenhospitalroomsaswemadeourwaydownthehall,thesmellofantisepticswirlingaroundmeasIwalked.
Westoppedatroom214.
Hisroomwassmall.Icouldseewhytheylimitedittotwovisitorsatatime.
Liketheotherrooms,hiswasdimmedforthelatehour.Brandonlayonhisback.Handsathissides,apulseoximeterontheindexfingerofhisrighthand.Hisheadwasboundwiththickwhitegauze,hisleftlegelevatedinaslingandbandaged.Heworeaventilatoroverhisface.Wiressnakedfromhischestunderhishospitalgown.
Thegentle,quietbeepofaheartmonitorandtheinandoutoftheventilatorweretheonlysoundsintheroom.Hischeekwaspurpleandswollen,thebruisingI’dwitnessedonthesceneblooming.
Ijuststoodthere,likeIwaslookingatamesstoobigtocleanupandIdidn’tknowwheretostart.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Ifeltfrozen.ThiswasasoldierinIraq.Ahunter.Astrongandcapableman.
Andnowhewasbroken.
Sloanslippedintotheroombehindmeandslidintooneofthebedsidechairs,gatheringuphishand.MylegsunlockedandItookherlead,sittinginthechairnexttoher.
Shelookedathim,herchinquivering.Herhairwasupinaloosebun,crookedandsloppy.Herface,blotchyandred.“Theysayhecanhearus.Weshouldtalktohim,Josh.”
Iclearedmythroatandleanedforward.“Hey,buddy.Youlooklikeshit,man.”
Sloandidalaugh-cry.Thensheputherotherhandoverhis.“Yourwholefamilywasheretoday,babe.Youwon’teverbeherealone,okay?Someonewillalwaysbeinthewaitingroomforyou.I’mnotgoingtoleaveyou.Ican’tbeinhereallthetime,butI’llbejustoutside.”
Iwonderedwhysomeonewasn’tallowedtostaywithhim.Whenthefifteenminuteswasupandthenursecametogetus,SloanwentbacktothewaitingroomandImademywaytothenurses’station.Isummonedmymostconvincingsmile,theonethatseemedtoworkonKristen,andIwalkeduptothecounter.
Themiddle-agednursemanningthestationlookedup,eyedmyfirefighterbadge,andgavemeawarmgrin.“Well,hello.WhatcanIdoforyou,youngman?”
Iwasgratefulformyprofessionatthemoment.Nobodywaseverunhappytoseeafireman.
Iputathumbovermyshoulder.“Yeah,Iwasjustvisitingmybuddy,Brandon,inroom214.”IlookedoverattheroomandcamebackwithasmilethatIhopedreachedmyeyes.“Icouldn’thelpbutnoticealotoftheotherroomshadvisitorsthatlookedlikethey’dkindofsetupcamp.Isthereanywayhisfiancéecanjuststaywithhim?He’dreallylikethat.”
MysisterAmberwasanurse,andIknewthatonthehospitalfloor,thenursesruledabsolutely.Theycouldbendanypolicytheywantedto.
Shesmiledatme.“Well,it’sagainstthevisitorguidelines.ButIthinkwecandothat.I’llbuzzherbackin.”
ImadeacaseforClaudiatooandgotthenod.
WhenIcamebackoutintothewaitingroomandgaveSloanandClaudiathenews,theybothhuggedmebeforeslippingbackintotheICU.
IturnedtoKristen.“Weshouldgohome.Getsomesleep.”
Wewerethelasttwoleftinthewaitingroom,andwearinessstartedtotakemedown.Iwasemotionallyandphysicallyexhausted.
Iputmyhandsonherarms.“There’snothingelseyoucandoforSloanatthemoment,andsleepinginachairisn’tgoingtohelpmatters.He’sstable.Let’sgohome.”
Shefoldedherselfintomychest,andItuckedherheadundermychinandclosedmyeyes,wrappingherinmyarms.I’dneverseenherthisvulnerable.Herguardwastotallydown,anditmademefeelprotectiveoverher.
“Comeon.”Ikissedherforehead,andsheclosedhereyesandleanedintoit.“I’lldrive.”
Onthewayhomeshepulledherlegsuptoherchestandleanedagainstthedoorofthecar.Iheldherhand.
WestoppedatDelTaco,grabbedfood,andatewhilewedrove.Bothofusjustwantedtogetinbed.Idon’tthinkeitherofushadsleptthenightbeforebecauseofourfight,andwewerebothspent.
Whenwegottoherhouse,webrushedourteethtogetherandwentrighttosleepwithouttalking.Shecurledupagainstme,andIheldhertomeallnight.
Inthemorning,whenthesuncrackedthroughherwindowandIwokeupnexttoherforthefirsttimeinweeks,myheartfeltfull,despitetheeventsofyesterday.Inuzzledintoherhair,breathinginthewarmfruityscentthatwasher.
MyhandswanderedoverherbodyandIpulledherclose,kissingthebackofherneck,wakingherupslowly.Iwantedtogetlostinher,justforalittlewhile,beforetherealityofwhatwehadtogobacktocameintofocus.
Shestirred.“Josh,no.”
“Nowhat?”Ibreathed,movingagainsther,myhandslidingbetweenherlegs.
Shewiggledoutofmyarmsandsatup,herhairfallingseductivelyoverhereye.“No.We’renotdoingthatanymore.”
Islumped.I’dhopedwehadmovedpastthis.“Kristen,Idon’tcareaboutthehysterectomy.Imean,Icare.It’sfuckedupandI’msorryit’shappeningtoyou,butitdoesn’tchangehowIfeelaboutyou.Wecantalkabout—”
“No.Anddon’tsayyoudon’tcare,becausethat’sbullshit.Ididn’ttellyouaboutthatsoyoucouldsayit’sfine,orfigureoutsomesortofwork-around.”Sheflungtheblanketoffherandgotup.“We’renotseeingeachotheranymore.Iletyoustaywithmelastnightsoyouwouldn’tbealone.That’sit.”
Sheturnedforthebathroom,andIgotoutofbedandfollowedher.
Shestoodinfrontofthesinkputtingtoothpasteonhertoothbrush,andIcameupbehindherandslidmyhandsoverhershoulders.Sheshruggedmeoff.
Ilookedatherthroughthemirror.“Kristen,we’reinlovewitheachother.Iwanttobewithyou.Let’ssitdownandhaveaconvers—”
Shewhirledonme.“No.”Herfacewashard.“Ilistenedtoyoutalkabouthavingkidsformonths.We’vealreadyhadtheconversation.Plentyoftimes.Andthereisabsolutelynothingyoucansaytomenowtoconvincemethat’ssuddenlynotsomemajorpriorityforyou.Ican’tgiveyouafamily.I’mnodifferentfromCeleste.”
“Celestedidn’twantkids.It’snotthesamething,”Isaid.
Shescoffed,wavingaroundhertoothbrush.“Isn’tit?Theoutcomeisthesame.Invitroisonlyfortypercentsuccessful—didyouknowthat?Doyouevenknowwhatitcosts?Orhowharditistofindasurrogate?Wecouldtryforyears,gobroke,andneverevenhaveonebaby.Notevenone.”
“Thenwecanadopt,foster—”
Sherolledhereyesandgavemeherbackassheranhertoothbrushunderthefaucetandputitinhermouth.
“Kristen,you’rebeingridiculous.”
Iputmyhandsbackonhershouldersandsheshrankawayfromme.
Shespitinthesinkandturnedbacktome.“Josh,it’snotgonnahappen,okay?”
Myjawflexed.“Whynot?Youhavenorighttomakethisdecisionforme.Iwanttobewithyou.IfIsayitdoesn’tchangeanythingforme,thenitdoesn’t.”
Shelaughed.“Itchangeseverything.”Sheblinkedatme.“Josh,ImeantwhatIsaid.Idoloveyou.IloveyoumorethanI’veeverlovedanyone.AndIloveyoutoomuchtoletyousettle.”Hereyessoftenedslightly.“Iknowyouthinkthisiswhatyouwantrightnow.Butinafewyears,whenyouhaveapregnantwifeandkidsrunningaround,you’llseethatIwasright.Ican’tgiveyouyourbaseballteam.AndIwon’ttakeitfromyou.”
Ireachedforherandshepushedmyhandaway.“No.”
“YouarenotCeleste.You’renoteveninthesameleague.AndI’msorryifthingsIsaidbeforeIknewaboutthismadeyoufeelbadly.Ididn’tknow—”
“Iknowyoudidn’tknow.That’showIknowyouwerebeinghonest.”
“Iloveyou,”Isaid,lookingherintheeye.
Sheshookherhead.“Andwhatdoeslovehavetodowithit?Loveiscompletelyimpractical,Josh.It’sstupid.Andyoushouldneveruseittomakedecisions.”Hereyesweredeterminedandlevel.Shepulledherhairfromitsponytailandgrabbedatowel.“Weneedtotakeshowersandgobacktothehospital.AndIdon’twanttotalkaboutthis.Everagain.”THIRTY-FOUR
Kristen
Itwastwenty-onedaysafterBrandon’saccidentandalmostaslongsinceI’dlastspokentoJosh.Thedateoftheweddingcameandwent,andBrandonhadn’twokenupforit.
IspentmytimebetweenthehospitalandSloan’shousewhereIwateredherplantsandbroughtinpackages.IwashedwhateverlaundrysheleftwhenshedidhermomentarystopsathometoshowerandchangebeforeheadingbacktotheICU.Icheckedhermail.I’dmadeallthecallstoherweddingvendorstocanceltheweddinguntilfurthernotice.
AtthehospitalIbroughtbooks,magazines,coffee,andfoodforSloansosheneverhadtoleaveherbedsidevigilforanythingtrivial.
ThenIwenthometomyemptyhouse.
Icleanedforhoursonend.Ipulledoutthecontentsofeverycabinetinmykitchenandwasheditall.Iwipedoutthedrawersinthebathroom.Itookapartmybedtovacuumunderneath,andallthevacuumlinesonthecarpethadtobeinjusttherightdirection.Idetailedthegroutinmylaundryroom.Itookatoothpicktothecracksinthestove,andIthirstedforrelieffrommyownmind.
MyperfectionismwassomethingIharnessedandcultivatedformyownpurposes.SomethingusefulthatmademefocusedsoIcouldgetthingsdone.
Butnowitwasspiraling.Noneoftheritualsmadeitbetter.Nothingshutofftheurgesorsatisfiedthefeelingsofincompleteness.Nothinggavemecontrolagain.
ImissedJosh.ImissedhimlikeImissedmysanity.
Ithadbecomeclear,almostimmediately,thattheburdenofsavinghimfromhimselfwasgoingtofallonme.
AfterI’dtoldhimitwasoverbetweenus,herefusedtodropit.SoI’dstoppedansweringhiscalls.AvoidedhimatthehospitalandrefusedtospeaktohimwhenIdidseehim.SinceIgaveMiguelhisoldjobback,mygaragewasemptyandlifeless.ThesmellofJosh’scologneonthethrowpillowsonmysofawassofaintitneverpuffedaroundmeanymorewhenIsatdown.
Itwasforhisowngood.
Andthebeastinsidemeroared.
Everydayitgotlouder.Nobodycouldtameit.Joshcouldcalmme,butIwouldn’tlethimcloseenoughtotry.
NurseValeriebuzzedmeintotheICU.Islidthecontainerofcupcakesacrossthecounterofthenurses’station.“NadiaCakes.”
Shebeamedatme.“You’retoogoodtous,girl.”Shepulledthecupcakesdowninfrontofher,lookingovertheassortment.
Sloanhadassignedmethejobofbringingthank-youstothenursingstaff.Donuts,cookies,flowers.Itriedtobringsomethingeverycoupleofdays.Thenurseshadmadeallthedifferenceinthissituation.
Valerietappedherpenabsentlyontopoftheclearcontainerandeyedme.“CanIaskyousomething?”
Ileanedoverthecounter,sortingherpensbycolor.“What?”
IlikedValerie.Shewasmyfavoritenurse.Shewasno-nonsense.We’dhititoffimmediately.
“Whatdidthatboydotoyou?’CauseIcan’tseeanyreasononmyendwhyyou’renotalloverthatmanlikewhiteonrice.”
Josh.Somehowinthelastfewweeks,thehospitalstaffhadgottenwindoftheJoshsituation.
“Valerie,we’vetalkedaboutthis.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“Havewe?’Causeyoucameoffalittleevasiveifyouaskme.”
Ishookmyheadather.Iwasn’tgettingintoit.
Shetwistedherlipsandgavemeaknowinggrin.“Thatmandrivesyoucrazy.”
Isnorted.“Idon’tneedhimtodrivemecrazy.I’mcloseenoughatthispointtowalk.”
Sheleanedbackinherchair,chuckling.“Goon,girl.Sloan’sbeenwaitingforyou.”
IturnedforBrandon’sroom.Sloansatinherusualspot,alegtuckedunderher.Shelookedgoodtoday.Shemusthavegottengoodnews.Shewaspaleanddarkcirclescradledhereyes,butshewassmiling.
Ihuggedhershouldersandtookaseatintheemptychairnexttoher.
“They’retakinghimofftheventilatortomorrow.”Shebeamed.
“Really?”
“TheytookhimofftheICPcatheter.Theswellinginhisbrainisgone.Thedoctorsayshe’sreallyhopeful,thathisscanslitup.”ShesmileddownatBrandon,lyingthereashehadbeenforthelastthreeweeks.“Kristen,hemightbeokay.Like,really,reallyokay.”
HereyestearedupandIhuggedher.Thebeastretreatedslightly.
Sheputahandonhisstomach.“He’sgoingtohavemonthsofphysicaltherapy.Hemighthavetorelearnthingsliketalking.Buthe’sstillinthere.”
ValeriecameinandSloangrinnedupather.
“Readyfortoday’ssedationvacation?”Valerieasked,fiddlingwithadripbag.
Sloanwaspracticallybouncing.“ThisiswhatIwantedtoshowyou.Everydaytheyliftthesedationalittletoseehowhisvitalsrespond.Nottoomuch,orhe’llfighttheventilator,butjustenoughtomakehimalittleaware.”
Wesatandwatchedhimforafewmoments.
“Allright,babygirl,”Valeriesaid.“Doyourthing.”
SloansmiledandpickedupBrandon’shand.“Babe,canyouhearme?Squeezemyhandifyoucanhearme.”
Iheldmybreathandwatchedhisfingers.
Theysqueezed.
Sloanletoutalaughthatpushedtearsfromhereyes.“Didyousee?Babe,squeezetwiceifyouloveme.”
Twosqueezes.
Ourlaughterwasthesoundofrelief.HerswasthatBrandonwasstillinthere.
Minewasthatshewas.
Shekissedhishand.“Onemoreday,babe.OnemoredayandthenI’mgoingtogettoseeyou,okay?Iloveyousomuch.”
WhenValerieputhimbackunder,Sloan’selationstilllingeredonherbeautifulface.Butshelookedso,sotired.
“It’syourturntogohometonight,right?”Iasked.
SheandClaudiarotatednightsintheICUwiththeoccasionalhelpfromJoshorShawnsotheycouldgetsleepinarealbednowandthen.Brandon’sparentsbothhadbadbacksandcouldn’tsleepinachairandSloanrefusedtoleaveBrandonalone.
Sheneverleftlongerthanafewhours,butthenightinabedalwaystransformedher.Shelookedlikeshehadn’tbeentransformedinawhile.
“No,Claudiahadtogobacktowork,”shesaid.“I’vedonethenightshiftforthelastthreedays.”
“Wantmetodoashift?”Iasked.BrandonandIwerefriendly,butweweren’tclose.Forthisreason,she’dnevertakenmeuponmyoffertostaythenight.Iguesssheworriedaboutawkwardsilences?
Sheshookherhead.“JoshisstayingtonightsoIcangohome.Heshouldbehereanysecond,actually,”shesaid,lookingoverhershoulderatthedoor.
“Ishouldgo,then.”Igotup.
“Kristen.”Sheputahandonmywrist.“Hemissesyousomuch.Areyousureyou’redoingtherightthing?”
“I’mdoingtherightthingforhim.”
Whetherit’srightformeisn’trelevant.
Ihuggedheronemoretimeandmademywaydownthehall.WhenValeriebuzzedmeout,Joshwascomingin.
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dseenhiminoveraweek.Webothfroze.
Hispresencewasaphysicalcaress,likeagustofwarmair.
Myeyesporedoverhim.Hehadhishandsinthepocketsofhisjeans,andheworetheshirthe’dwonattrivianight—heworetheshitoutofittoo.
Itwasamazinghowanythinghehadonlookedsexyonhim.Themancouldwearaburlapsackandlookincredible.Iknewjustlookingatitwhatitwouldsmelllike,andIwishedIcouldputmynosetothebluecotton.
He’dlostweight.Hismusclesweremoredefined.Hisdimplesdidn’tshow,becausehedidn’tsmile.
Helookedgood—buthelookedsad.
He’dgetoveritsoonenough.Afewbabiesfromnowandhewouldn’tevenrememberme.
Hedidn’tmakeanymovetogetoutofmypath.Ilookedawayandwalkedpasthim,andhestoodlikeastatue,eyesonme.Thensuddenlyahandshotoutandtouchedmyarm.IttrailedlightlydownmyforearmasIwalkedon,acrossthetopofmyhand,overmyfingers,andthenitwasgone.
Ididn’tjerkawaybecausethatwouldhavebeenacknowledgingthathewaseventhere.
Butthefewsecondsofcontactmovedthroughmywholebody.
Ifeltittherestoftheday.THIRTY-FIVE
Josh
Itookoffmyglassesandpinchedthebridgeofmynose,settingthebookdownonthetablebyBrandon’shospitalbed.“Sorry,Igottatakeabreak.Shantaramislong,man.”
Itwouldtakemeamonthtoreadittohim,butitwasthebookhe’dstartedatthestationbeforetheaccident,andIknewhe’dwanttohearit.
ItonlytookmeaminutebeforemythoughtsslidbacktoKristen.MymindalwaysslidbacktoKristen.
AtleastatworkIhaddistractions.IpickedupextrashiftswhenIcouldsoIwouldn’tbeathome,staringatthewallsofmystudio,thinkingaboutherorworryingaboutBrandon.Iwenttothegymonmydaysoffaftervisitingthehospital.Iwentalldaysometimes.I’dunpackedmyapartment,boughtacouchandaTV.Triedtostaybusy.
Butinevitably,nomatterwhatIwasdoing,Iwasthinkingabouther.
Andnow,withoutthebooktoread,sittingtherewithBrandoninthemiddleofthenight,Ihadnothingtodobutthink.
Icheckedmywatch:2:12a.m.IpicturedKristen,sleepingonhersideunderherflowerbedspread.Herhandtuckedunderherfavoritepillow—theonewiththebeigeflannelpillowcase.StuntmanMikecurledupontopoftheblanketinthetangleofherlegs.Theclockonhernightstandgivingmejustenoughlighttoseeherlonglashesacrosshersmoothcheeks.
Imentallypulledtheblanketuptoherchinandkissedherforeheadandsawhereyesflutteropenasshesmiledatme.
Fuck,Imissedher.
“Iwishyoucouldtalktome,”IsaidtoBrandon.“Tellmewhattodo.Ineedyoutowakeupandstraightenmeout.Orevenbetter,wakeupandstraightenherout.”
Idraggedahanddownmyface.WhenIsawhertoday,itjustconfirmedwhatIalreadyknew.Iwasn’tevergoingtogetoverher.Iwasn’tevergoingtonotmissher.
ShewaspunishingmeforacrimeIdidn’tevenknowI’dcommitted.ForthingsIhadsaidandthingsIwantedbeforeIknewwhatthey’dmeanlater.Everycommenthadbeenanailintheboardacrossthedoorshe’dclosedonme.
“Idon’tevenknowhowtobegintoconvinceher,”Isaid.“Shewon’tevenspeaktome.”Isnorted.“Leaveittometobeinlovewiththeworld’smoststubbornwoman.”
ItriedtothinkaboutwhatBrandon’sresponsetothiswouldbe.Hewasalwayssolevel-headed.Hewouldknowwhattodo.
ThemoreItriedtoswayher,thefurthershedistancedherself.ThemoreItoldherIlovedher,themoresheshutdown.AndIdidn’tknowhowtostopit.
Ileanedforward,myelbowsonmyknees,andIpeeredaroundthecold,sterileroom.Beigewalls.Graymachinesaroundthebed.SomeIrecognized,someIdidn’t.Theonlysoundsatthelatehourwerethefaintjingleofaphoneringinginthenurses’station,thepingofanelevator,thefarawaysoundofthewheelsofacart,andthegentlebeepofBrandon’svitalsignsmonitor.
Theywouldn’tallowanyflowersorpersonalitemsintheICU,butSloanhadsnuckinanengagementphoto.Itsatonthetablenexttothebed.HerandBrandononthebeach,thesurfcrashingaroundtheirfeet,hertattooedarmoverhisshoulder,themlookingateachother.Bothofthemlaughing.
Ilookedbackathimandsighed.“You’regoingtohavesomegnarlyscars,buddy.”They’dstartedtheskingraftsfortheroadrashonhisarm.“Butyou’llgettodoeverythingyouplannedtodowithyourlife.Oneofusisgoingtogetthegirl.I’llhelpyouanywayIcan.EvenifIhavetowheelyourasstothealtar.”
Icouldpicturehissmile.WithanyluckI’dseeitinafewhours.
Aknockonthedoorframeturnedmearoundinmychair.
“Hey,cutie.”Valeriecameintotheroomforhervitalscheck.Sheturnedthelightsup,andIstoodandstretched.
Asifsleepinginachairwasn’thardenough,theactivityeverytwohourswasthefinalkicker.Iwouldn’tcallanythingIdidontheseovernightshiftssleeping.Maybenapping,butnotsleeping.EverytwohoursBrandonwasmoved.Theycheckedhisairways,changedoutbags,lookedathisvitals.Idon’tknowhowSloanwashandlingdoingthisalmostnightlyforthelastthreeweeks.
Sloanwasagoodwoman.I’dalwayslikedher,butnowshe’dearnedmyrespect,andIwasgratefulBrandonandKristenhadher.
“Didyoudecidewhatdayyouwanttobringthekidstothestation?”IaskedValerie,yawning.
ShecycledthebloodpressurecuffonBrandon’sarmandsmiled.“I’mthinkingTuesday.YouonshiftTuesday?”
“Yup.”
ShewrotedownsomenotesonBrandon’schartandthengavemearaisedeyebrow.“Anyupdateswithyourladyfriend?”
Ilaughedalittle.“No.”
Thewholenursingstaffknewaboutmydepressinglovelife.I’dgottenhitonafewtoomanytimesbysomeoftheyoungernurses.Icouldn’tclaimtohaveagirlfriend,andIwasn’tmarried,soitwaseither“I’mgay”or“I’minlovewiththatgirloverthere.”
I’dgonewiththelatter,andnowIwishedI’dsaidIwasgay.
Theydidn’tknowwhyKristenwouldn’tdateme,justthatshewouldn’t.IthadturnedintothefavoritetopicoftheICU.Areal-lifeepisodeofGrey’sAnatomy.IrarelygotthroughaBrandonvisitwithoutitcomingup.
ThedramaescalatedwhenKristenhadbeenhitonbythenurses’favoritesingleorthopedicsurgeon.Accordingtothenurses’gossipcircuit,Kristentoldhimtogofuckhimself.
Andapparentlyshe’dactuallysaid,“Gofuckyourself.”
Afterthateveryonewassureshewasholdingoutforme.
OnlyIknewbetter.
ValeriecheckedBrandon’stemperature.“Youknow,Itoldthatgirlmyselfshe’snuts.Youknowwhatshesaidtome?”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“What?”
“Shesaid,‘Justbecauseamangivesyouthebestsexofyourlifedoesn’tmeanyouneedtodatehisass.’Lawd,Ijustaboutdied,”shesnickered.
Isnorted.Yup,thatsoundedlikeKristen.
Well,atleastI’ddonesomethingright.
ValeriechuckledtoherselfwhileshecheckedBrandon’spulse.“He’scomingouttomorrow.Ibetyou’reallgettingprettyexcited.”
Irubbedthebackofmyneck.“Thishasbeenareallytoughfewweeks.”
“He’sgonnadogreat.”
ShechangedoutthebagonhisIVdrip.Thenshepulledoutasmalllightfromherbreastpocket,clickediton,andopenedhisrighteye.“Youknow,alotofthenursesaregonnamissthesteadystreamofcutefiremencomingthroughhe—”
Shepaused.
Sheopenedhisothereyeandshonethelightintohispupil.Sheclearedherthroatassheclickedthelightoffandslippeditbackinherpocket.“Wesurearegoingtomissyouguys.”Shepickeduphischart.
Shedidn’tlookatme.Hertonechanged.Herbodychanged.I’ddonethatchangemyselfonthesceneofacall.
Somethingiswrong.
“Whatisit?”
Shedidn’tanswerme.
Ipulledoutmycellphoneandturnedontheflashlight.IleanedoverBrandonandopenedhiseyewhileValeriewatchedmewordlessly.
Mybreathcaughtinmythroat.“No.No!?”
Ilookedattheothereye,andmyhandsstartedtoshake.Istumbledbackfromthebedandknockedintomychair,droppingmycellphonetothefloorwithaclatter.
Valerielookedatme,andweexchangedamomentofunderstanding.
Hispupilswereblown.
Theywerelargeblackmarblesinhiseyes.THIRTY-SIX
Kristen
Whenthephonerang,Igropedforitonthenightstand.Itwasthehospital.Anditwasalso3:57inthemorning.Ibrushedthehairoffmyforeheadandsatup.“Hello?”
“Kristen.”
ItwasJosh.Butitwasn’t.Itwasn’tanyJoshI’deverheard.
“Kristen,youneedtogogetSloan.Brandon’shadastroke.”
Ithrewoffmycovers.“What?Astroke?Whatdoesthatmean?”
Itumbledoutofbedandstumbledaroundtheroom,grabbingmybraandjumpingintoleggings.
Hepaused.“He’sbrain-dead.He’snotcomingbackfromthis.It’sover.GetSloan.”
Thelinewentdead.
Istoodinthemiddleofmydarkroom.Thephonestayedlitforamoment.Whenthescreenwentbacktoblack,Iwasdousedinpitch.
Thevelociraptorroared,andthegroundshookasitlungedforward.
AsIdrovetoSloan’s,Ihadthesurreal,almostout-of-bodyrealizationthatIwasabouttotellmybestfriendtheworstnewsofherlife.Thatthemomentsheansweredthatdoor,Iwasgoingtobreakherheartandshewouldneverbethesame.
Myalteredstateallowedmetoprocessthisinacompartmentalizedway.IknewthatIwouldn’tfeelthepainfulmomentwhenithappened,butthatI’dputitintoalittleboxandtakeitoutandlookatitoftenfortherestofmylife.
***
IwatchedSloandieinsidethatnight.
Theycalleditacatastrophicstroke.Abloodclotmovedfromthewoundsinhisleguptohisbrain.IthadprobablyhappenedwhileJoshsatwithhim.Itwassilentandfinal,andtherewasnothinganyonecouldhavedone.
Joshwasright.Brandonwasgone.
Threedaysafterthestroke,anethicscommitteemadeupofBrandon’sdoctors,anorganizationthatcoordinatedorgandonations,andagriefcounselorcalledthefamilyinforan11:00a.m.meetingatthehospital.Isatoutsidetheconferenceroom,bouncingmyknee,waitingforSloantocomeout.
Ihadn’tlefthersideoncesincethestroke.EverynightIsleptinthechairnexttoherbyBrandon’sbedside.Onlynowhewasn’thealinginhiscoma.
Hewasbrain-dead.
Joshhadn’tbeenbacktothehospitalsinceBrandon’sdiagnosis.Hewouldn’tanswermycalls.
Theshiftwasstrange.Ourtextthreadwentfromdozensofunansweredtextsfromhim,beggingmetotalktohim,todozensofunansweredtextsfromme,begginghimtotalktome.Iwantedtoknowhewasokay.
Hissilencetoldmehewasn’t.
Iworehissweatshirttoday.I’dneverwearitwhenIknewhemightseeit.Ididn’twanttoencouragehim.Butbasedonhisabsenceoverthelastthreedays,Ididn’tthinkIhadtoworry.AndIneededtofeelhimwrappedaroundmybodytoday.Ineededtosmellhiminthefabric.
Ijustneededhim
Thismeetingwasn’tgoingtobeeasyonSloan.Itwasaboutthenextsteps.
Thedoortotheconferenceroomopenedup,andBrandon’smomcameout,speakingtohisdadintearfulSpanish.
Sloanwalkedoutofthemeetingbehindthem,andIledherimmediatelyintoanemptywaitingroom.
Sloanwasazombie.She’ddiedthreedaysagowhenBrandondid.Thelightwasgonefromhereyes.Herlegswalked,hereyelidsblinked,butshewasvacant.
“Whatdidtheysay?”Iasked,sittingherdownononeofthecushionedchairsnexttome.
Shespokewearily,hereyesrimmedapermanentshadeofred.“Theysayweneedtotakehimoffoflifesupport.Thathisbodyisdeteriorating.”
ThewailofBrandon’smomcamedownthehallway.Ithadbecomeasoundweknewalltoowell.Shebrokedownatrandom.Everyonedid.Well,everyoneexceptforme.IwasvoidofemotionwhilemypredatorandIsharedspace.InsteadoffeelingpainatSloan’ssuffering,IspiraledfurtherintomyOCD.Isleptless.Imovedmore.Idovedeeperintomyrituals.
Andnothinghelped.
Sloandidn’treacttothesoundofgriefdownthehall.“Hisbrainisn’tmakinghormonesanymoreorcontrollinganyofhisbodilyfunctions.Themedicationshe’sontomaintainhisbloodpressureandbodytemperaturearedamaginghisorgans.Theysaidifwewanttodonatethem,wehavetodoitsoon.”
“Okay,”Isaid,pullingtissuesfromaboxandshovingthemintoherhands.“Whenaretheydoingit?”
Shespoketotheroom,tosomeplacebehindme.Shedidn’tlookatme.“They’renot.”
Istaredather.“Whatdoyoumeanthey’renot?”
Sheblinked,hereyelidsclosingmechanically.“Hisparentsdon’twanttotakehimofflifesupport.They’reprayingforamiracle.They’rereallyreligious.Theythinkhereboundedonceandhe’llreboundagain.”
Hereyesfocusedonme,tearswelled,threateningtofall.“It’sgoingtoallbefornothing,Kristen.He’sanorgandonor.He’dwantthat.He’sgoingtorotinthatroomandhe’sgoingtodiefornothingandIhavenosayinanyofit.”
Thetearsspilleddownherface,butshedidn’tsob.Theyjuststreamed,likewaterfromaleakyhose.
Igapedather.“But…butwhy?Didn’thehaveawill?Whatthefuck?”
Sheshookherhead.“Wetalkedaboutit,buttheweddingwassoclosewejustdecidedtowait.Ihavenosay.Atall.”
Therealitysuddenlyrolledoutbeforeme.Itwouldn’tjustbethis.Itwouldbeeverything.Hislifeinsurancepolicy,hisbenefits,hisportionofthehouse,hisbelongings—nothers.Shewouldgetnothing.
Notevenavote.
Shewentoninherdaze.“Idon’tknowhowtoconvincethem.Theinsurancewon’tcoverhisstaymuchlonger,sothey’llbeforcedtomakeadecisionatsomepoint.Butitwillcoveritlongenoughforhisorganstofail.”
Mybraingraspedatasolution.“Claudia.Shemightbeabletoconvincethem.”
Shehadn’tbeenabletomakethemeeting.AndshewouldsidewithSloan—Iknewshewould.Shehadinfluenceonherparents.
“MaybeJoshtoo,”Icontinued.“Theylikehim.Theymightlistentohim.”Istood.
Shelookedupatme,ateardrippingoffherchinandlandingonherthigh.“Whereareyougoing?”
“TofindJosh.”
***
Iwenttothestationfirst,butJoshwasn’tthere.Ifoundhimathome.
Heopenedthedoorafterlettingmepoundonitforalmostfiveminutes.Histruckwasinthecarport.Iknewhewashere.
Hepulledthedooropenandwalkedbackinsidewithoutlookingatmeorsayingaword.Ifollowedhimin,andhedroppedontoasofaI’dneverseenbefore.
Hisfacewasscruffy.I’dneverseenhimanythingbutclean-shaven.Noteveninpictures.Hehadbagsunderhiseyes.He’dagedtenyearsinthreedays.
Theapartmentwasamess.Theboxesweregone.Itlookedlikehehadfinallyunpacked.Butlaundrywaspiledupinabasketsofullitspilledoutontothefloor.Emptyfoodcontainerslitteredthekitchencountertops.Thecoffeetablewasfullofemptybeerbottles.Hisbedwasunmade.Theplacesmelledstagnantanddank.
Aviciousurgetotakecareofhimtookhold.Thevelociraptortappeditstalononthefloor.Joshwasn’tokay.
Nobodywasokay.
Andthatwaswhatmademenotokay.
“Hey,”Isaid,standinginfrontofhim.
Hedidn’tlookatme.“Oh,soyou’retalkingtomenow,”hesaidbitterly,takingalongpullonabeer.“Great.Whatdoyouwant?”
Thecoldnessofhistonetookmeaback,butIkeptmyfacestill.“Youhaven’tbeentothehospital.”
Hisbloodshoteyesdraggeduptomine.“WhywouldI?He’snotthere.He’sfuckinggone.”
Istaredathim.
Heshookhisheadandlookedawayfromme.“Sowhatdoyouwant?YouwantedtoseeifI’mokay?I’mnotfuckingokay.Mybestfriendisbrain-dead.ThewomanIlovewon’tevenfuckingspeaktome.”
Hepickedupabeercapfromthecoffeetableandthrewithardacrosstheroom.MyOCDwinced.
“I’mdoingthisforyou,”Iwhispered.
“Well,don’t,”hesnapped.“Noneofthisisforme.Notanyofit.Ineedyou,andyouabandonedme.Justgo.Getout.”
Iwantedtoclimbintohislap.TellhimhowmuchImissedhimandthatIwouldn’tleavehimagain.Iwantedtomakelovetohimandneverbeawayfromhimeveragaininmylife—andcleanhisfuckingapartment.
Butinstead,Ijuststoodthere.“No.I’mnotleaving.Weneedtotalkaboutwhat’shappeningatthehospital.”
Heglaredupatme.“There’sonlyonethingIwanttotalkabout.IwanttotalkabouthowyouandIcanbeinlovewitheachotherandyouwon’tbewithme.Orhowyoucanstandnotseeingmeorspeakingtomeforweeks.That’swhatIwanttotalkabout,Kristen.”
Mychinquivered.Iturnedandwenttothekitchenandgrabbedatrashbagfromunderthesink.Istartedtossingtake-outcontainersandbeerbottles.
Ispokeovermyshoulder.“Getup.Gotakeashower.Shave.Ordon’tifthat’sthelookyou’regoingfor.ButIneedyoutogetyourshittogether.”
Myhandswereshaking.Iwasn’tfeelingwell.I’dbeenlight-headedandslightlyoverheatedsinceIwenttoJosh’sfirestationlookingforhim.ButIfocusedonmytask,shovingtrashintomybag.“IfBrandonisgoingtobeabletodonatehisorgans,heneedstocomeofflifesupportwithinthenextfewdays.Hisparentswon’tdoit,andSloandoesn’tgetasay.Youneedtogotalktothem.”
Handscameupundermyelbows,andhistouchradiatedthroughme.
“Kristen,stop.”
Ispunonhim.“Fuckyou,Josh!Youneedhelp,andIneedtohelpyou!”
Andthenasfastastheangersurged,thesorrowtookover.Thechainsonmymoodswingsnapped,andfeelingsbrokethroughmywallslikewaterbreachingacreviceinadam.Ibegantocry.Ididn’tknowwhatwaswrongwithme.Thestrengththatdrovemethroughmydaysjustwasn’tavailabletomewhenitcametoJosh.
Idroppedthetrashbagathisfeetandputmyhandsovermyfaceandsobbed.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,andIcompletelylostit.
“Ican’tstopcleaningandIhaveamonsterinsidemybrainandImissyouandSloanisfallingapartandhisparentswon’ttakehimofflifesupport,sohisorgansarerotting.Ican’tgetallthelinesrightonthecarpetwiththevacuumandStuntmanisinakennelandIhaven’tseenhimindays,andIjustneedyoutoletmecleanthisfuckingapartment!”
I’mnotsurehowmuchofitheheard,ifany.IwascryingsohardIcouldbarelyunderstandmyself.Hejustheldmeandcaressedmyhair,andforthefirsttimeinweeksthevelociraptorhuntedotherprey.
Joshmademeweak.Orstrong.ItwashardtotellanymorewhatIwaswithoutmycopingmechanism.AtleastwhenIrodethebeast,Igotshitdone.AndnowIwasnothingbutanemotionalmess.
Butatleastthemesswasmine.
Whydidhehavethiseffectonme?Hehadthiswayofwakingupdormantpartsofmysoul.Herippedthroughmeandleteverythinginwithhimlikeastormsurge
Itookonwater.
Andatthesametime,somethingtoldmeifIlethim,he’dkeepmeafloat.Hewouldn’tletmesink.I’dneverfeltthisvulnerableandsafewithanyone.
Ifelthotandshaky.Igaspedandclutchedhisshirtuntilthecryingspasmsstopped.HeheldmesotightmykneescouldhavegivenoutandIwouldn’thavefallenaninch.
“Ican’tbetheonlyonewhohastheirshittogether,”Iwhispered.
Hischestrumbledashespoke.“Itdoesn’tlooklikeyouhaveyourshittogether…”
Isnorted.“Josh,please.”Ilookedupathim,myhandstremblingonhiscollarbone.“Ineedyoutoinsertyourselfhere.Gotalktohisparents.They’lllistentoyou.”
Helookedatmelikeseeingmecrywasagony.Thelongingonhisfacewasrazorbladestomyheart.Hissadeyes,thesetofhismouth,hisknitbrows.
HelovedmealmostasmuchasIlovedhim,andIknewIwashurtinghim.IknewhethoughtIwasenough.ButIwasn’tenough.Howcouldoneofmebeanykindofsubstituteforthehalfdozenkidshe’dalwayswanted?Itjustcouldn’t.Themathdidn’twork.Thelogicwasn’tsound.
Hewipedatearoffmycheekwithhisthumb.“Okay,”hewhispered.“I’llgo.Just,sitdownorsomething.Stopcleaning.”Hedippedhisheadtocatchmyeyes.“Areyouokay?You’reshaking.”
Heputahandoverminetostillthetremoragainsthischest,andtheclosenessofhimmademewholeforthefirsttimeinweeks.
“I’mfine,”Isaid,swallowing.“Justhurry,okay?”
Helookedatmeforalongmoment,likehewastryingtomemorizemyfaceorstealanextrasecondtoholdme.Thenheturnedforthebathroom.
Whenhewalkedawayfromme,theabsenceofhisbodypressedintominefeltlikeI’dlostmyclothesandIstoodnakedandexposedtotheelements.
Imissedhim.Noamountoftimelessenedit.Itmadeitworse.Myheartwasaneglectedbuilding,andeverydayIweatheredafiercestormthatdrippedthroughmyroof,floodedmyfloors,andbrokemywindows,andthedisrepairjustmademeweakerandclosertocollapse.
ThewaterturnedoninthebathroomandIlookedaroundtheapartment,mycompulsionragingbackwithafurynowthathewasgone.
AtleastIcoulddothisforhim.Icouldtakecareofhisspace,giveitorder.Washhisclothesandhisblankets.Makethingssmellclean,turnhishomeintosomeplacehewantedtobe.Dothisthingthatheobviouslycouldn’tdoforhimselfatthemoment.
Iblitzedtheplace.Istrippedthebed,threwopenthewindows.Iwaswashingdisheswhenthedizzinessstarted.
Whyaremylipstingling?
Ipressedashakingfingertomymouth.
Andthenmyvisionbegantoblur…THIRTY-SEVEN
Josh
Idraggedarazordownmycheekforthefirsttimeindaysandstudiedmyfaceinthebathroommirror.IlookedthewayIfelt.
Lost.
Itwasgoodtoseeher.Shefilledmeup.Evenwhenshewasgivingmeshitandbossingmearound,itwasliketakingadeepbreathjustbeingnearher.Shechargedmybatteries,draggedmebacktomyself.
Shelookedbeautiful—butshedidn’tlookgood.Pale.Thin.She’dlostweight—alotofit.Shewasn’ttakingcareofherself.
Icouldn’tdoshitformyselfatthemoment,butIcoulddoanythingforher.Iwouldtakecareofherifsheletme.Butthiswasthefirsttimeshe’devenspokentomeinweeks.
Ihadn’tgivenup.Icouldnevergiveuponher.ButI’dgottentired.Shewassostubborn,soimplacable,andmyheartwasworn.WithoutKristenandBrandon,Icouldn’tmoveanymore.Iwantedtotalktohimaboutherandtalktoherabouthim.Andbothofthemweregone.
Theenormityofitwastoobigtowrapmybrainaround.
Iwasnevergoingtoseehimagain.Neversitwithhiminaduckblindandbullshit.NevertalktohimagainaboutKristen,orSloan,oranything.
Iwasn’tgoingtobehisbestman.He’dneverbemine.Ourkidswouldn’tplaytogether.
Elevenyears.We’dbeenfriendsforelevenyears.Andhewasjustgone.Hislifewasover.He’dgottenallhewasgoingtoget.AndIdidn’tknowhowtomoveonfromthat.
SoIdidn’tmoveatall.
IhalfexpectedhertobegonebythetimeIcameoutoftheshower.Sheran.That’swhatshedidwithme.Thehalfofmethatexpectedhertostillbeherewouldhaveputmoneyonhercleaningtheplace.ButwhenIcameout,shewasonthecouch.Iknewimmediatelysomethingwaswrong.
Iflewtoherside.“Kristen,whatisit?”
Shepanted.“Ican’tsee.My…myeyesareblurry.”
Shewascoveredinsweat.Shaking,breathinghard.Ipulledbackhereyelidandsheswattedatme.
Combative.
Hypoglycemic.
Irantothekitchen,prayingthatshehadn’ttossedallthetrash.IspottedanoldIn-N-OutcupwithCokeinitfromyesterdayandgrabbedit,runningbacktothecouch.
“Kristen,Ineedyoutodrinkthis.You’renotgoingtolikeit,butIneedyoutodoit.”
Itwasflat,old,androomtemp,butitwasallIhadintheapartment.Iputthestrawtoherlips.
Sheshookherheadviolentlyandclenchedherteeth.“No.”
“Listen,yourglucoselevelsarelow.Youneedsugar.Drinkthis.You’llfeelbetter.Comeon.”
Shetriedtoknockthecupfrommyhands,andIprotecteditlikeitwasthecureforcancer.
Ifshedidn’tgetherbloodsugarup,shecouldhaveaseizurenext.Slipintounconsciousness.Andhersymptomswerealreadyadvanced.
Panicovercameme.Myheartpoundedinmyears.What’swrongwithher?
“Afewswallows,please,”Ibegged.
Shetookthestrawinherlipsanddrank,andmyreliefwaspalpable.
Ittookafewminutesandafewmoresips,butshestoppedshaking.Igotawetwashclothandwipedherfaceasshecamebackaround.Ipeeledhersweatshirtoffher—mysweatshirt.
“When’sthelasttimeyouate?”Iasked.
Shewasstillalittledisoriented.Whenshelookedatme,hereyesdidn’treallyfocus.“Idon’tknow.Ididn’t.”
Icheckedmywatch.Jesus,itwasalmost2:00p.m.
“Comeon—I’mtakingyoutogetsomefood.”Ihelpedherup,puttinganarmaroundherwaist.Shewassofrail.Thesidesofherstomachwerehard.
Somethingiswrong.
Ihelpedhertomytruckandwenttotheclosestfast-foodplaceIcouldfind.Itwasn’twhatsheprobablywanted.ShefuckinghatedBurgerKing,butIneededtogetfoodinher.
Wewentthroughthedrive-thruandparkedintheparkinglot.Iunwrappedherburgerandwatchedhereat.Shelookedexhausted.Herskinwassallow.
“Areyoudiabetic?”Iasked,studyingher.
“No.”Shesniffed.
“Areyousure?”
Sheateafrenchfryslowly.“Yes.”
“Doesdiabetesruninyourfamily?Doanyofyourrelativeshaveit?”
“Iknowwhat‘runsinthefamily’means,”shesnapped.SheshotmeaglareandIsmiled,happyshehadmovedfromhypoglycemictojustplainhangry.
“Andno,nobodyhasit.AndneitherdoI.”
Iputthestrawinthetopofherorangejuiceandhandedittoher.“Howdoyouknow?”
“BecauseIdon’thavetimetobediabetic,Joshua.”
Iscoffed.Ofcourse.
“Look,youneedtogotothedoctorandhaveaglucosetest.Hasthiseverhappenedbefore?”
Sheshookherhead.
Iglanceddownatherstomach.Thetanktopshe’dwornundermysweatshirtwasfitted.FromwhatIcouldtell,herstomachhadn’tgottenbiggerthanitwasafewweeksago.Infact,itlookedalittlesmaller.Iwonderedifthatmeantthefibroidswereshrinking.Couldtheyrespondtoweightlossliketherestofher?Itdidn’tseemlikely.
Iwantedtofeelherabdomen,seeifIcouldusemymedicaltrainingtofigureoutwhatwaswrong.Butsheneverletmetouchherstomach.
“Whenisyoursurgeryscheduled?”Iasked.
Shetookasipfromthesoda.“Twoweeksago.”
“Whenareyougoingtorescheduleit?”
Sheshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Notanytimesoon.It’sasix-toeight-weekrecovery.Ihavenobodytotakecareofme—”
“I’lltakecareofyou.”
Shepressedherlipsintoaline.“IneedtobewithSloan.”
Isatbackintheseat,shuttingmyeyes.Ineededhertofuckingtakecareofherself.
Didwhatshehadgoingonhavetodowithhercondition?Butinsulincamefromthepancreas.Whatdiduterinetumorshavetodowithapancreas?Iwonderedifwhatevercausedthishadbeenlurkingforsometime.Ifsheneverletherselfgethungry,she’dnevergethypoglycemic.Shewasalwaysreallygoodabouteating.Shemightnothaveeverletitgettothispointbefore.
“I’mokay,”shesaid.
Iopenedmyeyes.“No,you’renot.Youlooksick.You’repale.Yourpulseisweak.Youalmostpassedoutbackthere.Youcouldhavehadaseizure.Whatifyouhadbeendriving?”
Protectivenesscoursedthroughme.Shewasmine.Ineededtobeabletotakecareofher,andshewouldn’tletmefuckingdoit.Itdefiedallthelawsofnature.Itwaswrong.Wewereinlove,andIwassupposedtobethereforher.
Shelookeddownatherburger.“Josh,I’mjustalittlerun-down,okay?I’msleepingwithSloaninthehospitaleverynight.I’mlivingoffofblackcoffeeandwhateverIcanshoveinmymouth.MyOCDismanic—”
“YouhaveOCD?”Itdidn’treallysurpriseme.I’dseenatouchofitinhersinceI’dknownher.Oneofmysistershadit.IknewitwhenIsawit.
“Usuallyit’snotthisbad,butitgetsworsewhenI’munderstress.”Shefinishedtheburgerandballedupthepaperlikeitwasanefforttoevendothat.Thenshelaybackagainsttheheadrestandclosedhereyes.
Shewasfallingapart.ShewasdeterioratingphysicallyandmentallytryingtokeepSloantogether.AndwherethefuckwasIinallthis?
Failingher.
Shewouldn’taskformyhelp.Iknewherwellenoughtoknowthis,andIhadn’tevenbeentothehospitalinthreedaystocheckinonher.I’dleftheronherownwithSloanandBrandon’sfamilyandalltherestofit.
Ishouldhavebeenthere.MaybeIcouldhavegottenaheadofthislife-supportthing.TakenaspotontheovernightshifttobewithSloansoKristencouldgetsomesleep.Madesuresheate.Talkingtomeornot,Kristenneverturneddownfood.
Iblamedmyselfforthis.ButIblamedhertoo.Becauseifshehadletme,Iwouldhavetakencareofher.Wecouldhavetakencareofeachother,andneitherofuswouldbeinsuchbadshape.
Ireachedoverandthreadedmyfingersthroughhers.Shedidn’tpullaway.Shelookedtootiredtofightme.Shesqueezedmyhand,andthewarmthofhertouchcoursedthroughme.
“I’llgotothehospital,”Isaid.“I’lltalktohisparents,andI’llstaywithSloantoday.Ineedyoutogohomeandsleep.AndtomorrowIwantyoutogotothedoctor.Calltomaketheappointmenttonightbecauseyoumighthavetofastbeforetheydobloodwork.”
Shejustlookedatme,herbeautifulfacehollowandweary.Shewasalwayssostrong.Itwasscaryseeingherdeclininglikethis.
Lovedidthistoher.HerloveofSloan.
Andprobablyherloveofmetoo.
Iknewitwasn’teasyonher.Iknewshethoughtshewasdoingtherightthing.Butfuck,ifshewouldjuststop.Ifshewouldstop,wecouldbothbeokay.
Shelookedatmetiredly.“Ibetyouwishyouwouldhavekickedthetiresbeforefallingforthishotmess.”Shesmiledweakly.“Aren’tyougladIsavedyoufromyourself?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,that’snothowthatworks,Kristen.Loveisforbetterorworse.It’salwaysandnomatterwhat.Theno-matter-whatjusthappenedfirstforus.”
Hereyestearedupandshepressedherlipstogether.“Imissyou.”
Mythroatgottight.“Thenbewithme,Kristen.Rightnow.Wecanmoveintogether,today.Sleepinthesamebed.Justsayokay.That’sallyouhavetosay.Justsayokay.”
Iwanteditsobadlymyheartfeltlikeitwasscreaming.Iwantedtoshakeher,kidnapherandholdherhostageuntilshestoppedthiscrap.
Butsheshookherhead.“No.”
Iletgoofherhandandleanedawayfromheragainstthedoor,myfingerstothebridgeofmynose.“You’rekillingbothofus.”
“Oneday—”
“Stoptalkingtomeaboutoneday.”Iturnedtoher.“I’mnevergoingtofeeldifferentlyaboutthis.”
Shewaitedabeat.“NeitheramI.”
Wesatinsilenceforamoment,andIclosedmyeyes.Ifelthermoveacrosstheseat,andthenherbodywaspressedagainstmyside.Iwrappedanarmaroundherandlethertuckherheadundermychin.
Thefeelofherwastherapeutic.Ithinkitwasforbothofus.Awarmcompressformysoul.
I’dneverhadallofheratonce.I’donlyevergottenpieces.Herfriendshipwithoutherbody.Herbodywithoutherlove.Andnowherlovewithoutanyoftherestofit.
ButevenwithwhatlittlefragmentsI’dhad,itwasenoughtotellmeIwouldneverstopchasingallofher.Never.NotifIlivedtobeahundred.Shewasit.Shejustwas.
“Kristen,you’rethewomanI’msupposedtospendtherestofmylifewith,”Iwhispered.“Iknowitinmyfuckingsoul.”
Shesniffed.“Iknowittoo,Josh.Butthatwasbefore.”
“Beforewhat?”Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhertighter,tearsprickingmyeyes.
“BeforeIbrokeinside.Beforemybodymademewrongforyou.Sometimessoulmatesdon’tenduptogether,Josh.Theymarryotherpeople.Theynevermeet.Oroneofthemdies.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshutandfeltthelumpinmythroatgetbigger.Justtohaveheradmitit,tohaveheracknowledgethat’swhatweweretoeachother,wasthemostvalidatingthingshe’devergivenme.
“Kristen,IknowwhatIsaid,thatIdon’twanttoadopt,thatIwantmyownkidsandIwantabigfamily.Butyoumakeeverythingdifferent.”
Shewasquietforalongtimebeforesheansweredme.“Josh,ifyouknewthatbeingwithmewouldtakeawaytheonethingI’vealwayswanted,wouldyoudoit?”
Iunderstoodherreasoning.Idid.Butitdidn’tmakeiteasier.
“Whatifitweremewhocouldn’thavekids?”Iasked.“Wouldyouleaveme?”
Shesighed.“Josh,it’sdifferent.”
“How?Howisitdifferent?”
“Becauseyou’reworthit.You’reworthanyflawyoumighthave.I’mnot.”
ImovedherawayfrommesoIcouldlookherintheeye.“Youdon’tthinkyou’reworthit?Areyoukiddingme?”
Herexhaustedeyesjuststaredbackatme,empty.“I’mnotworthit.I’mamess.I’mirritableandimpatient.I’mbossyanddemanding.AndIhaveallthesehealthissues.Ican’tgiveyoubabies.I’mnotworthit,Josh.I’mnot.Anotherwomanwouldbesomucheasier.”
“Idon’twantaneasywoman.Iwantyou.”Ishookmyhead.“Don’tyougetit?Youareperfecttome.IfeellikeabettermanjustknowingthatIcandoanythingforyou—makeyoulunch,makeyoulaugh,takeyoudancing.Thesethingsfeellikeaprivilegetome.AllthosethingsthatyouthinkareflawsarewhatIloveaboutyou.Lookatme.”Itippedherchinup.“I’mmiserable.I’msofuckingmiserablewithoutyou.”
Shestartedtocryagain,andIpulledherbackinandheldher.
Thiswasthelongesttalkwe’dhadaboutthis.Idon’tknowifshewasjusttootiredandsicktoshutmedown,orifshejustdidn’thaveanywheretorunto,stuckinmytrucklikeshewas,butitmademefeelhopefulthatshewasatleasttalkingtomeaboutit.
Inuzzledintoherhair,breathedherin.“Idon’twantanyofitwithoutyou.”
Sheshookherheadagainstmychest.“IwishIcouldloveyouless.MaybeifIdid,Icouldstomachtakingthisdreamfromyou.ButIdon’tknowhowtoevenbeginlettingsomeonegiveupsomethinglikethatforme.Iwouldfeellikeapologizingeverydayofmylife.”
Itookadeepbreath.“YouhavenoideahowmuchIwishIcouldgobackandneverputthatshitinyourhead.”
Herfingersopenedandclosedonmychest.Ifelthappy.JustsittingthereinmytruckinaBurgerKingparkinglot,IfeltmorepeacethanI’dfeltinweeksjustbecauseshewastherewithme,touchingme,talkingtome,tellingmeshelovedme.AndthenthatjoydrainedawaywhenIrememberedthatthiswasn’tgoingtolast.Shewasgoingtoleaveagain,andBrandonwasstillgone.Butitwasthistemporaryreprievethattoldmethatwithherbymyside,Icouldgetthroughanything.Icouldnavigatetheworstdaysofmylifeaslongasshestayedbyme.
Ifonlyshe’dletmegetherthroughtheworstdaysofhers.
Shespokeagainstmychest.“Youknowyou’retheonlymanI’veevercriedover?”
Ilaughedalittle.“IsawyoucryoverTyler.Morethanonce.”
Sheshookherhead.“No.Thatwasalwaysaboutyou.BecauseIwassoinlovewithyouandIknewIcouldn’tbewithyou.Youturnedmeintosomesortofcrazyperson.”
Sheliftedherheadandlookedatme.“I’msoproudtoknowyou,Josh.AndIfeelsoluckytohavebeenlovedbysomeonelikeyou.”
Shewascrying,andIcouldn’tkeepmyowneyesdryanymore.Ijustcouldn’t.AndIdidn’tcareifshesawmecry.I’dlostthetwopeopleIneededmostinthislife,andI’dneverbeashamedforgrievingovereitheroneofthem.Iletthetearswell,andsheleanedinandkissedme.Thegaspwhenshetouchedmeandthetightnessofherlipstoldmeshewastryingnottobreakdown.Sheheldmycheeksinherhands,andwekissedandheldeachotherlikeweweresayinggoodbye—loversabouttobeseparatedbyanoceanorawar,desperate,andtoogrievedtoletgo.
Butshedidn’thavetoletmego.
Andshewouldanyway.
Shebrokeawayfromme,herchinshaking.“Youdeservetogiveallthatyouaretoyourchildrenoneday.Tohavealittleboywholookslikeyouwhoyoucanraisetobethesamekindofmanyouare.Youhavetomoveon,okay?Youhaveto.”
Wewerebackatthestalemate.Iheldherforeheadtominebythebackofherneck,andIwasdesperatetoknowwhattosaytochangehermind.ButtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Shewassodeepinthismind-set.AndhowcouldIevenchipawayatherwhenmostdaysshewouldn’tletmeanywherenearher?
“Kristen,I’mnevergoingtogiveyouup.I’mjustnot.Andyou’rehurtingme.Pleasestophurtingme.Ineedyouwithme.Doyouunderstand?”
AndthenIlostheragain.
HerfacetookonthatstonylookthatIknewsowell.Shemovedawayfromme,backtothepassengerseat,thewallcrashingbackdown,heavyandfinal.
Ileanedforwardandputmyfaceinmyhands.
Iwaitedafewheartbeatsbeforespeakingagain.“Canyouatleaststartgettingsomesleep?IfIgotothehospital,willyoustayatmyplaceandgotobed?”Ilookedbackather.
Shenodded.“Josh?”
“What?”
“It’squiet,”shesaid.
“Whatis?”Iaskedgently.
“Mymind.It’sfinallyquiet.It’sonlyquietwhenI’mwithyou.”
***
Ittookalong,emotionaldiscussionwithClaudiaandherparents,buttheyagreedtotakeBrandonofflifesupporttomorrow.
Afterourmeetingattheirhouse,hisparentshuggedmegoodbye,andClaudiafollowedmeouttothedriveway.Thesunwassetting.Thefreewayhummednearby.Idraggedopentheheavywhitewrought-irongatethatenclosedtheirtinyEastLosAngelesproperty.
ClaudiahadvolunteeredtostaythenightwithSloaninthehospitalsoIcouldgohome.IjustwantedtogetbacktoKristen.Iwantedtoslipintobedwithher,feelthereliefofthesleepthatIonlyfoundwithhernexttome.
“Thankyou,”ClaudiasaidasIturnedbackfromthegate.
ShewasBrandon’scarboncopy.Theyhadthesameexpressions,thesameeyes.
I’dneverseemyfriend’sexpressionsagain.Thethoughthitmelikeafisttothegut.
Claudiapulledhersweateraroundherself.“Idon’tthinktheywouldhavedoneitifyouhadn’tcome.Itmeantsomethingtothemthatyousaidthiswaswhathe’dwant.”
Shehuggedmeandwhenshepulledaway,shewipedathereyes.“It’shardtoargueagainstfaith.Youcan’tseeit,youknow?”
“Youshouldtryarguingagainstlogic,”Isaid,clearingthelumpinmythroat
Shesniffed.“I’dargueagainstlogicanyday.Logiccanbereasonedwithaslongasyouhavethefacts.Goodnight,Josh.”
Onthedrivehome,Icaughtrush-hourtraffic.IsattherethinkingaboutthemeetingwithBrandon’sparents.Hornshonked.Redbrakelightsflashed.
IthoughtaboutKristen,abouthownomatterhowmuchItoldherIwantedher,shedidn’twaver.Iwantedhertobelieveinmyloveforher,toputallherfaithinsomethingintangible,thewayBrandon’sparentshadbelievedintheirprayersbeinganswered.ButKristenwasn’tlikethat.Forher,feelingsweren’tgroundsfordecisionmaking.ShelookedatthissituationlikeshewasacoolcarthatIcouldn’tafford.SomethingIwantedbecauseofthewayitmademefeel,notbecauseI’dconsideredthepricetagandmadeaneducateddecisiontobuyit.Shewasprosandcons,factsandnumbers,blackandwhite.Commonsense.Shewaspractical,andtherewasnothinglogicalaboutbeingwithme.
Orwasthere?
Logiccanbereasonedwithaslongasyouhavethefacts…
Istoppedbreathing.
Holyshit.
Holyfuckingshit!
I’dbeenmakingthewrongargument!
SuddenlyIknewhowtogetthroughtoher.IknewwhatIhadtodo.
Itwouldtakesometimetopullitalltogether—afewweeksmaybe.ButIknew
Ismiledtherestofthewayhome,untilIgotthereandsawhercarwasgone.
Inside,mylaundrywaswashedandfolded.Theapartmentwasspotlessandairedout.AndthehoodieI’dgivenherallthoseweeksagowasfoldedneatlyonthebed.THIRTY-EIGHT
Kristen
IparkedinSloan’sdrivewayandusedthekeyundertheflowerpottoletmyselfin,likeIdideverydaysincethefuneraltwoweeksago.IkeptsayingIhadtogetakeymade,butIneverhadthetime.BetweentryingtorunDogletNationwhiletakingcareofwhatwasleftofmybestfriend,mydayswerefull.
IhadbeguntoconsidermovingbackinwithSloan.Ididn’tseeherevernotneedingmehere.Hermomtappedinsometimes.Shedidwhatshecould.Butshehadasixty-hour-a-weekjob,andSloan’sdadlivedtwohoursaway.Iwasthelastlineofdefense.
Thehousesmelledlikedecayingflowers.IsetStuntmandownandbroughtgroceriestothekitchenandunbaggeditall.ThenIstartedtossingbouquets.She’dbeabletostartherownflowershopwithalltheemptyvases.
Sloan’sbedroomdoorwasclosed.Ilethersleep.Gettingheroutofbedbeforenoonwastwicethestruggle—I’dgivenitup.Iusedtheearlierhourstodochores.
Thiswasmylifenow.Thesecondhalfofbothourliveshadbegun.Thebeforewasover,andnowwelivedintheafter.IcameovereverymorningassoonasIwokeup.Stayeduntilmidnight.AndIlivedsidebysidewithmyvelociraptor.Wecoexisted,takingcareofSloan.
Ididn’ttrytocleanupanythingthatwasBrandon’s.Ididn’ttouchhisdirtyclothes.Ididn’ttossthebeerbottlethatsatinthegarage.TheonlysparkoflifeI’dseenfromhersincethefuneralwaswhenshe’dlostherfuckingmindonmebecauseI’dremovedandwashedthealmosttwo-month-oldglassofwaterfromBrandon’ssideofthebed.
Atnoon,Iknockedonherbedroomdoor.WhenIdidn’tgetananswer,Iletmyselfin.Shelaybundledinherbluecomforter.Iopenedtheblindsandthenthewindow,hopingthefreshairwoulddohersomegood.Idrewherabathandsatontheedgeofthebedtogetherup.
“Sloan?Comeon.Up.Let’sgo.”
Shegroaned.
Ipeeledtheblanketsback,uncoveringher.Itookinherfetalposition,hercolorfultattooedarmtuckedagainstherbody.
I’dtakeherouttoday.Makehergototheparkorforashortwalk.MaybeIcouldgethertositoutsideonthefrontporch.
Something.
“Sloan.Getup.”Iwedgedmyselfunderherarmandhoistedherintoasittingposition.WithsomeeffortIgotherintothebathtub.
Whileshesoaked,Istrippedthebedandputitallinthewashingmachine.Iwashedhersheetsdaily,complimentsofmyOCD.Ifshewasgoingtobeinherbedfortwelvehoursaday,atleastthesheetscouldbefresh.Myendeavorwastokeepherandeverythingaroundhercleanandcomforting.
AsIputdetergentinthemachine,mycellphonepinged.Ididn’tevenhavetolooktoknowwhoitwas.Joshtextedmeeveryday.Ilookedatthemessage.
Josh:Justsayokay.
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroatandtuckedmyphonebackintomypocket.
Hekeptarunningcorrespondencewithme.Itwastotallyone-sided.Sometimeshesaidhelovedmeandmissedme.Hesentmeemailsthatreadlikeletters,withwherehewasorwhathewasdoing,likehedidn’twantmetoforgethim—asifIcould.Andeveryday,onemessagewasalwaysthesame.
Justsayokay.
Lastweekhe’dgonehometoSouthDakotaforafewdays,andIwonderedifhewasplanningtomoveback.Hehadnoreasontostaynow.Hehatedhisjob,Brandonwasgone,andIneverrespondedtohim.Ihadn’tseenhimorspokentohimsincethefuneral.
IwashedSloan’shairwhileshehuggedherkneestoherchest.ThenIgotheroutofthetub,toweldriedherhairandbrusheditintoabraidonthesofa.
We’dwatchamovielater.I’dchooseitcarefullylikeIdideveryday.Couldn’tbealovestory.Nothingsad.
Iputthesheetsinthedryer.ThenIwenttomakelunch,badly,andwhenIcamebackout,shewasonthesofawatchingthemusicvideo.ThefuckingmusicvideoAgain.
Itwastheonlythingthatseemedtointeresther.Aviralvideoof“TheWreckoftheEdmundFitzgerald.”Acover.Shewasobsessedwithit.
IguessIshouldbehappythatsomethinginterestedher.
Isetthefooddownonthecoffeetable.“Hey,areyousureyoudon’twanttohelpmewithlunchnexttime?You’realotbetteratitthanIam.Ididn’tknowhowmuchvodkatoputintherice.”
Shesmiledalittle,butitwasmechanical.Iwentbackinforthedrinks.WhenIcameout,shewaswatchingthevideoagain.
“Howmanytimeshaveyouseenthat?”Iasked,sittingdownnexttoher.
Sheshruggedtiredly.“Ilikeit.”Hervoicewasraspy.
Ileanedinandwatchedthevideowithher.AClaymationthingofashipwreck.Abigfreighterinastormbeingtossedinthewavesuntilitwentdown.
Iwatcheditthroughtotheend.Thenshereplayedit.
“Whydoyoulikethissomuch?”Ishookmyhead.
Shestaredatthescreenforamoment.“BecauseIfeellikethosemen.Likeastormcameandsanksomethingstrong,andnowI’mlostatsea.Drowning.”
Ididn’treply.
“Ilikehisvoice,”sheadded.
“Whydon’twebuysomeofhismusic?”Hopefullyit’snotallfuckingdepressing.“Let’sseeifhe’sgotanalbum,”Isaid,takingherphone.IwasstartingtoscrollthroughAmazonMusicwhenamessagepingedandatextpoppeduponherscreen.
Josh:
“Uh…Joshjusttextedyou.”Ilookedupather.Ididn’tknowtheytalked.“Hegaveyouathumbs-up?”
Shelookedatmelistlessly.“Kristen,whyhaven’tyoutalkedtohim?”
Thequestionsurprisedme.Mybestfriendhadn’tbeenmybestfriendinalongtime.Wedidn’ttalkaboutmeorwhatIwasgoingthrough.
Wedidn’treallytalkaboutanything.
Iwentbacktoscrollingthroughtheartist’salbumonherphonesoIwouldn’thavetolookather.“What’stheretosay?”
Shelaughed.Itactuallystartledmeitwassosudden,andIstaredatherinsurprise.
“Gohome,Kristen.”
Iblinkedather.“What?”
Shetookherphonefrommyhands.“Gohome.Talktohim.Bewithhim.Behappy.”
Ifurrowedmybrow.“Nothinghaschanged,Sloan.”
Shestaredatmewithred-rimmedeyes.“Youdon’tthinkyou’reworthit.”
Ishifteduncomfortably.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Yourmom.Allyourlifeshemadeyoufeellikeyouwerenevergoodenough.Andsoyoudon’tthinkyou’regoodenoughforJosheither.Butyouare.”
Ishookmyhead.“No.That’snotit,Sloan.”
“Yeah.Itis.”
“Sloan,hedoesn’tknowwhat’sbestforhim.He’sjustthinkingaboutrightnow.”
“No.You’retheonewhodoesn’tknowwhat’sbestforyou.Sheruinedyou.Shespentyourwholechildhoodsettingabarsheknewyou’dneverreach,andnowyouthinkyouhavetobeperfecttobegoodenoughforanyone.”
Westaredateachother.ThenSloan’scheststartedtoriseandfallintherapidwaythattoldmeabreakdownwascoming.Iinstinctivelypulledtissuesfromaboxontheendtablejustashereyesstartedtotearup.
“Kristen?Brandon’saccidentismyfault.”
Iwasusedtothis.Shelostfocusalot.ThistimeIwasgladforthechangeofsubject.“No,Sloan,itwasn’t.”Itooktheplatefromherlapandputitonthecoffeetableandgatheredupherhands.“Noneofthiswasyourfault.”
Shebitherlip,thetearsfallingdownhercheeks.“Itis.Ishouldhaveneverlethimridethatbike.Ishouldhaveinsisted.”
Ishookmyhead,scootingclosertoher.“No.Hewasagrownman,Sloan.Hewasaparamedic.Hewentonthoseaccidentcalls—heknewtherisks.Don’tyoudareputthisonyourself.”
Herchinquivered.“HowcanInot?Shouldn’tIhaveprotectedhimfromhimself?Ilovedhim.Itwasmyjob.”
“No,itwasn’t.Peoplemaketheirowndecisions,Sloan.Helivedthelifehewantedtolive.Hewasatwenty-nine-year-oldman.Hewascapableofmakingchoices.”
Shewipedhercheekswiththebackofherhand.“SoyoucandecideforJosh,butIshouldn’thavedecidedforBrandon?”
Isawthetrap,butitwastoolate.
Sheshookherhead,blinkingthroughtears.“Youhavenoclue,doyou?Youthinkhe’ssettling?ForJosh,notbeingwithyouissettling.Don’tyougetthat?”
“Sloan,”Isaidgently.“Youdon’tund—”
“Don’tI?”shesnapped.“DoyouthinkifBrandonwouldn’thavebeenabletohavekidsafterhisaccidentthatIwouldhavebeensettlingtostaywithhim?IwouldhavetakenhimanywayIcouldhavehim.Disabled.Inawheelchair,withouthisfuckingarmsandlegs.Thisthingthatyou’reobsessedwithdoesn’tmatter.Helovesyou.Hewantsyou.”Shebreathedhard.“Don’tbelikeme.Don’tlivetherestofyourlifewithoutthemanyoulove.Gohome,Kristen.”
“Sloan—”
“Gohome!Getoutofmyhouse!”
HershoutshockedmeintoactionandIstood.
“Gohome.”Hereyeswenthard.“Anddon’tyouevercomeoverherewithoutJoshagain.”
ShepickedupStuntmanandshovedhimintomyarms.Thenshecorralledmeoutofthehouseontothefrontporch.Shetookthehousekeyfromtheplanterandslammedthedoorinmyface.
Theshockhadmestandingtherestaringatherdoorforafullminute.
Shekickedmeout.
Shewentoffonme,andthecrazybitchkickedmeout.
Ihoveredahandoverthedoorandknocked.“Sloan,openup.”
Thechainrakedacrossthedoorandtheboltlocked.
“Sloan!Comeon!”Ipressedthedoorbellinquicksuccession.
Nothing.
Un-fucking-believable
Wellthiswasjustperfect.Whowasgoingtomakeherbed?Shecouldn’tevenwashthedishes.Theonesfromlunchwouldprobablyjustgetmoldyinthelivingroom.Andwhataboutdinner?Shewouldstarvetodeathwithoutme.Shewasbeingcompletelyunreasonable.
Stuntmanlookedupatmelikehedidn’tknowwhatjusthappened.NeitherdidI.
Iwalkedouttothecaranddroppedintothedriver’sseat,crossingmyarms.
Maybethebackdoorisunlocked.
SloanandIhadneverhadafightbefore.
Iletoutalongbreath.Igotit.Iunderstoodherfeelings—Idid.Mybestfriendwaslivinghernightmare.Shewasinherownpersonalhell,andthemanIlovedwasaliveandhere,andIwouldn’thavehim.OfcourseIcouldseehowthathurther,howtrivialmyreasonslookedinthefaceofwhatshewasenduring.ItmademefeellikeshitthatshethoughtIwasbeingpetty.
Butitdidn’tchangeathing.
Joshwantedtomakeablind,emotional,knee-jerkdecisionthatwouldaltertherestofhislife,andIcouldn’tbeapartofthat.Ijustcouldn’t.Sloancouldbepissedatmeallshewanted.Iwasdoingtherightthing,andsometimesdoingtherightthingwasunpopular,butthatdidn’tmakeitwrong.Sometimesyouhadtobecrueltobekind,andIwasn’tgoingtobebulliedintochangingmymind.
Idrovehome,Sloan’swordspingingpainfullyaroundmymindlikearicochetingbullet.Theydidn’tchangeanything.Buttheyhurt.
WhenIgothome,Idroppedmycarkeysontothetableinthekitchenandlookedaroundmyimmaculatehouse,feelinglost.
WhatdidIdonow?I’dalwayshadSloan.Whatifshewasreallyseriousaboutthisandshewouldn’tseemeanymore?
IrealizedsuddenlythatIneededheralmostasmuchassheneededme.TakingcareofherhelpedmetosticktomygunswithJosh,becauseeventhoughshewasamess,amesswassomethingtocleanup.Andnow,withoutthedistraction,theemptinesswasoverwhelming.
Isatdownatthekitchentableandpulledastackofnapkinsinfrontofmeandstartedtostraightenthem,liningupthecornersandchewingonmylip,thinkingaboutmynextmove.
Okay,maybewhatshesaidaboutMomwastrue.GodknowsIcouldspendtherestofmylifeintherapyworkingthroughtheshittheIceQueenputmethrough.MaybeMomdidfuckmeupandIhadsomeself-worthissues.Butthecold,hardtruthwasthatIcamewithtoomuchbaggage,andIwasn’tworththesacrificeJoshwouldhavetomaketobewithme.IcouldnevergiveasmuchasIwouldtakefromhim.Thatwasn’tlackofself-esteem.Thatwasjustasimplefact.
MaybeSloanwouldagreetoadeal.I’dtalktosomeoneaboutsomeofmyissuesifshewouldagreetogotogriefcounseling.Itwasn’tmegivingintoJoshlikeshewanted,butSloanknewhowmuchIhatedtherapists,andshe’dalwayswantedmetoseesomeone.IwasdebatinghowtopitchthistoherwhenIglancedintothelivingroomandsawit—asinglepurplecarnationonmycoffeetable.
IlookedaroundthekitchenlikeImightsuddenlyfindsomeoneinmyhouse.ButStuntmanwascalm,ploppedundermychair.Iwentintoinvestigateandsawthattheflowersatontopofabinderwiththewords“justsayokay”writtenontheoutsideinJosh’swriting.
He’dbeenhere?
Myheartbegantopound.IlookedagainaroundthelivingroomlikeImightseehim,butitwasjustthebinder.
Isatonthesofa,myhandsonmyknees,staringatthebinderforwhatfeltlikeagesbeforeIdrewthecouragetopullthebookintomylap.Ituckedmyhairbehindmyearandlickedmylips,tookabreath,andopeneditup.
Thefrontpageread“SoCalFertilitySpecialists.”
Mybreathstilledinmylungs.What?
He’dhadaconsultationwithDr.MasonMontgomeryfromSoCalFertility.AcertifiedsubspecialistinreproductiveendocrinologyandinfertilitywiththeAmericanBoardofObstetricsandGynecology.He’dtalkedtothemaboutinvitroandsurrogacy,andhe’dhadfertilitytestingdone.
Iputashakyhandtomymouth,andtearsbegantoblurmyeyes.
Iporedoverhistestresults.Joshwasabreedingmachine.Strongswimmersandanimpressivespermcount.He’dcircledthisandputawinkingsmileyfacenexttoitandIsnorted.
He’doutlinedtheclinic’shighsuccessrates—higherthanthenationalaverage—andhehadgottensignedpersonaltestimonialsfrompreviouspatients,womenlikemewhousedasurrogate.Letterafterletterofencouragement,addressedtome.
ThenextpagewasacompletebreakdownonthecostofinvitroandinformationonJosh’shealthinsuranceandwhatitcovered.Hisinsurancewasgood.ItcoveredthefirstroundofIVFat100percent.
Heevenhadasmallbusinessplan.Heproposedsellingdoghousesthathewouldbuild.Theextraincomewouldraiseenoughmoneyforthesecondroundofinvitroinaboutthreemonths.
ThenextsectionwasfilledwithprintoutsfromtheDepartmentofInternationalAdoptions.NotesscrawledinJosh’shandwritingsaidBraziljustopenedup.Hebrokedowntheprocess,timeline,andcostsrightdowntotravelexpensesandcourtfees.
Iflippedpastasleevefullofbrochurestoapageongettinglicensedforfostercare.He’dalreadygonethroughthebackgroundcheck,andheenclosedaformforme,alongwithaseriesofavailabledatesforfostercareorientationclassesandin-homeinspections.
Wasthiswhathe’dbeendoing?Thismusthavetakenhimweeks.
Mychinquivered.
Somehow,seeingitalldownonpaper,knowingwe’dbeinittogether,itdidn’tfeelsohopeless.Itfeltlikesomethingthatwecoulddo.Somethingthatmightactuallywork.
Somethingpossible.
Thelastpagehadanenvelopetapedtoit.Iprieditopenwithtremblinghands,mythroatgettingtight.
Iknowwhatthejourneywilllooklike,Kristen.I’mreadytotakethison.IloveyouandIcan’twaittotellyouthebestpart…Justsayokay.
IdroppedtheletterandputmyfaceintomyhandsandsobbedlikeI’dneversobbedinmylife.
He’ddoneallthisforme.Joshlookedinfertilitydeadintheeye,andhischoicewasstillme.
Henevergaveup.
Allthistime,nomatterhowhardIrejectedhimorhowdifficultImadeit,heneverwalkedawayfromme.Hejustchangedstrategies.AndIknewifthisonedidn’tworkhe’dtryanother.Andanother.Andanother.
He’dneverstoptryinguntilIgavein.
AndSloan—sheknew.Sheknewthiswashere,waitingforme.That’swhyshe’dmademeleave.They’dconspiredtodothis.
Inhergrief,whensheneededmethemost,whenshecouldn’tevenfeedorwashherself,shewaswillingtogivemeupinthehopesofforcingmyhandbecauseshewantedthisforme.Shewantedmetobehappy.
Becausethat’showmuchshelovesme.ShelovesmeasmuchasJoshdoes.
TheythoughtIwasworthit.
Istilldidn’tbelieveit.Imightnevertrulybelieveit.
Buttheydid.
Somethinginsideofmebrokeinthatmoment.Igaveup.Inolongerhadthestrengthtostayawayfromhim.Ijustcouldn’tdoitanymore—therewasn’tanyreasonto.Hiseyeswereopen.
Stuntmanpressedagainstmyside,lookingupatme.Iwipedmyeyeswiththetopofmyshirt.“I’mgonnabringyourdaddyhome.”
Histonguestuckoutofthefrontofhismouth,andhelookedlikehewassmiling.IpickedupmyphoneandsentJoshatextforthefirsttimeinweeks.
Kristen:Okay.
Iwaited,lookingatmyphonewithmyheartinmythroat.Thedoorbellrang.
Ilaughed,leapingoffthesofa,tearspouringdownmycheeks.Ofcoursehewaswaitingforme.That’sallJosheverdid.
He’dneverhavetodoitagain.
Ithrewopenthedoor.Hestoodontheporchbeamingwithhisdimplesandhismessycowlickhair.Idoveintohisarms,andhiscedarscentcrashedintome,thefamiliarshapeofhisbodywrappedaroundmine,instantlymakingmewhole.Helaughedwithreliefandliftedmeofftheground,holdingmesohardIcouldn’tcatchmybreath.“Okay,”Iwhispered.“Okay.”
Joshismine.
Thehappinesswasalmosttoomuch.Andthenjustasdeeply,asitsettledinthatmystrugglehadallbeeninvain,Ifeltthelossofthelastfewmonthswithouthim.Theweekswecouldhavebeentakingcareofeachother,carryingoneanotherthroughthistragedy.“Josh,I’msosorry.I’msosorryforhurtingyou.”Iclutchedhim,crying.“Thankyoufornevergivingup.”
“Shhhhhhhh.”Hesqueezedme.“Iwouldhavefoughtforyouforalifetime.I’mjustgladyoudidn’tmakemewaitthatlong.”Hesmiledwithhisforeheadtomine,hiseyesclosed.“Areyoureadyforthebestpart?”
Isniffled.“Didyoustealababy?”
Helaughed,runningaknuckledownmycheek,hisbrowneyescreasingatthecorners.“No.Butit’salmostasgood.”Heheldmygaze.“Ialreadyhaveasurrogatelinedup.”
Ijerkedback.“No.Sloanisnotinanyplaceemotionallyormentallytodothis.Idon’tknowifshe’lleverbeinaplace—”
“It’snotSloan.”Hegavemeasmile.“It’smysisters.”
Iblinked.“What?”
Hegrinnedatme.“Iwenthometohaveafamilymeeting.Imetwithallsixofmysistersandtheirhusbands.ItoldthemIwasheadoverheelsinlovewithaverypracticalwomanwhowouldn’thavemeunlessIfiguredthisout.”
Alaughingsobchokedfrommylips,andIputahandovermymouth.
“Allsixofthemvolunteered.Theyevenarguedaboutwhogetstogofirst.It’snofununlesstheygettoargue.”
Isnorted,riversspillingovermycheeks.
Hepulledmein,thumbingtearsoffmyface.“Kristen,Ineedyoutoknowthatifnoneoftheseoptionswereavailabletous,Iwouldstillwantyou.Iwantyounomatterwhat.IwantyoufirstbeforeIwantanythingelse.”Hisfacewasearnestandsteady.“IhavenochanceofhappinessifIcan’thaveyou.None.”
Iburiedmyfaceintohisneck,andheheldmetohim.
“It’shardforme,Josh.It’shardtofeellikeI’menough,”Iwhispered.
“Well,I’lljusthavetospendtherestofourlivesworkingonthat,won’tI?Whichbringsmetothenextthing.Lookatme.”
Hetippedupmychin.“Ithinkweshouldgetmarried.”Hiseyesmovedbackandforthbetweenmine.“Today.”THIRTY-NINE
Josh
Westoodonherporch,andshelookedupatmewiththosebrowneyes.“Youwanttomarrymenow?Today?”
Thetowerwasgone.Thedrawbridge,thepiranhas,themachineguns—gone.Shewashappyandopenwideandherlovewasineverything.Itpouredoutofher.Itwasinthewayshelookedatme.Thetoneofhervoice.Itwasinherhandonmychestandherkiss,thesmilethatreachedhereyesandthesetofhermouth.
AlltheseweeksI’dplannedandprayedforthisoutcome.Ididn’tevenknowwhatI’ddoifIfailed.ItwassomethingI’drefusedtoletmyselfthinkabout.
ButIhadn’tfailed.
Andnow,seeingherlovemelikethiswasareliefformysoul.Ihadallofherforthefirsttime.Shewasmine.Shewasfinallymine.
Butitwasn’ttimetocelebrateyet.
I’dthoughtlongandhardaboutthisoverthelastfewweeks.Westilldidn’tknowifshehadsomeunderlyinghealthissues,andI’dbetmylifethatifshedid,she’dleavemeagaintosparemehavingtotakecareofher.
Kristenbelievedinmarriage.Shebelievedinbetterandworseandsicknessandhealth,andifshemadethatcommitmenttome,Iknewshe’dhonorit.Evenifshewastheonewhowassick.
Ineededtosealthisdealbeforeshechangedhermind.I’dseentimeandtimeagainhowquicklyIcouldloseher,andIhadnointentionoflettingthathappenbyputtingmoretimebetweenuswhileweplannedawedding.Notwhileshewasonebaddoctor’svisitfrombailingonme.
“Hearmeout,”Isaid.“ThefactthatI’mcrazyinlovewithyoudoesn’tplayintothis.Ipromise.Iknowhowmuchyou’dhateitifIwantedtomarryyouinanysortofromanticsense,right?”
Shelaughed.God,Imissedher.
“You’reabouttohaveamajorsurgery,andyourinsuranceisn’tasgoodasmine.Youcouldseeanydoctoryouwant.You’dhaveaccesstoanyspecialistyouwanttosee,withoutareferral.Idon’twanttoenduplikeSloanandBrandon.Idon’twanttodienotbeingmarriedtothewomanIlove.AndIwantustobeabletomakemedicaldecisionsforeachotherintheeventthatsomethinghappenstous.”
Shebitherlip.“Thethoughtofmymomhavingtotalsaydoesscaremealittlebit,actually.”
Igrinned.Iknewitwould.“Also,thetaxbenefitsformarriedcouplesareprettygenerous.”
“Thatistrue.”Shesmiledatme,herbeautifulfacelightandopen.“Ihavetosayyoumakeaprettygoodargument.Doyouneedcitizenship?Ormaybeyouneedmetohelpyoumoveabodyandyoudon’twantmetobeabletotestify?Becauseifyoudid,Ithinkthatwouldclinchthedeal.”
Ipulledhercloser.“Marryme.Now.Today.Let’sgodowntocityhallandjustdoit.”
Sayyes.Please,sayyes.
Sheshrugged.“Okay.”
Myheartexplodedinmychest.“Yes?”
Shebitherlipandsmiled.“Yeah,Ican’treallyarguewiththeproslist.”Herbrowwrinkled.“Butwhataboutyourfamily?Theywon’tbemadyou’verunoffandmarriedsomerandomwoman?”
Fuckmyfamily—andImeantthatinthemostlovingpossibleway—butmyfamilywasthelastthingIwasthinkingaboutatthemoment.Iwouldn’tbeabletorelaxuntilKristenwasmywife.Noneofthiswasrealorcertainuntilweweremarried.
Thisfirst,familyandtakingdeepbreathslater.
Ishookmyhead.“Myparentsalreadymarriedoffsixdaughters.They’rerelievedtheydon’thavetodoanotherwedding.IalreadytoldthemwhatIplannedtodo.Wecangohomeforapartywheneverwe’reready.”
“Oh!”Shebouncedupanddown.“CanwegetourweddingringsatthePulpFictionpawnshop?”
Ismiled,acautiousexcitementseepingin.“Anythingyouwant.”Icheckedmywatch.“Ifwewanttodothistoday,wehavetogetgoing.Youcanprobablytakeafewminutestochange.”
“Okay,andI’llcallSloan,”shesaid,reachingforherphone.
Mystomachdropped.Iknewthiswascoming,andmyheartachedpreemptivelywithwhatIhadtotellher.Iputahandtoherwrist.“Kristen,”Isaidgently.“SloanknowsthatIwasgoingtoproposetoyou.Shedoesn’twanttobethere.”
Herhappinessbledoutinfrontofme,andmyownjoyatthesituationsank.Ihatedtoseeherhurting.IwishedIcouldgiveherallthethingsshewantedtoday.ButSloanwasn’tforsale.
Ilookedathersoftly.“She’ssupportive.Shewasrootingforme.Sheaskedmetotextherwithyouranswer.Butshecan’tgotoawedding.”
Sheswallowedhardandnodded,herbrowneyesglossingjustenoughtomakemyheartbreak.“No.Shewouldn’tbeabletohandleit.Ofcourse.”Shesmiledupatme,weaklythistime,tryingtoputonagoodface.Ilovedherforit.ButIknewhowdeeplythishurther.Ithurtmetoo.
Wefinallyhadeachother,butbothofushadlostourbestfriends.FORTY
Kristen
Wesatonbrownwoodenbenchesonoppositesidesofthehallwayofthecourthouse,waitingforournamestobecalled.We’dgottenourmarriagelicensesandringsandmanagedtogetthelastappointmentofthedayforacivilceremony.
Itcostthirty-fivedollarstobemarriedbyajusticeofthepeace,plusanextratwentybucksfortwocourt-assignedwitnesseswedidn’tknowtosignourmarriagecertificate.
Ididn’thaveflowersoracake.Iwasn’tinaweddingdress.MyringwassolooseI’dhadtoputtapearoundittokeepiton.Itrainedonusintheparkinglot.Wewouldn’thaveafirstdanceorphotosorthemawageguy.Mybestfriendwouldn’tstandnexttomeandneitherwouldhis.
Itwasthelamest,saddestweddinginthehistoryofweddings—andIwassoexcitedaboutitIcouldn’tstopsmiling.
NowthatI’dletitgo,Irealizedhowexhaustingmycrusadehadbeen.Likefightingtostayawakewhenyouwanttojustletgoandslipintoadream.
Lettinghimlovemewasnaturalandeasy—itwaskeepinghimawayfrommethatwashard.Ithaddrainedmetothecore,takeneverythingoutofme,andIwasrelievedthatitwasover.
Joshworethebreweryshirtfromthedaywemet,underasportcoat,andIworetheblackdressfromSloanandBrandon’sparty,byJosh’srequest.
Iglancedathim,andhelookedupfromthepaperinhislapandgrinnedatme,hisdimplesflashing.Wewerewritingourownvows.
Thismanwasabouttobemyhusband.
He’dbeenmyboyfriendforaboutthreeminutes,myfiancéforthelasttwohours,andhewasabouttobemyhusbandfortherestofmylife.
IwasgoingtobeKristenCopeland.
Idon’tknowwhathewasthinkingashewatchedmefromacrossthewidecourthousecorridor,butI’dneverseenhimlooksohappy.
“KristenPetersonandJoshuaCopeland?”
Ournamesbeingcalledshookusfromourprivatemoment.Joshgotupandgavemehishand.Then,justbeforewewentinside,hepulledmeintohim.“Areyouready?”
God,Iwassoreadyitwasn’tevenfunny.
“Yes.”Idrewmybottomlipintomymouthandsmiled.
Hecaressedmycheek.“Youknowyou’rethebestthingtoeverhappentome,right?”Hiseyesblazedwithemotion.“Iloveyou,Kristen.Youaretheonegreatloveofmylife.”
Hiswordsgrippedmyheart.“Iloveyoutoo,Joshua.Forever.”
***
Theceremonywasinanoffice.Westoodinfrontofthedeskasagray-hairedclerkconfirmedournamesandcheckedourIDs.Ourwitnessesstoodagainstthebackwallastheceremonystarted.WewereafewminutesintoitandIwasjustabouttoreadmyvowswhenthedoorburstopenandSloanspilledinside.
Myjawdropped
Shelookedlikeazombiebridesmaid.Herbraidwasfrizzy,andherredlipstickwascrooked.Sheworethepinkbridesmaid’sdressfromhermom’sweddingthreeyearsago,andshe’dbuttonedthedresswrong.Herhandsclutchedthehalf-deadflowersfromherkitchenthatI’dbeenpickingthroughearlier.Shemusthavetakenthemoutofthetrash.Shehaddeep,darkcirclesunderhereyes,andshelookedpale,evenwiththeblush.
Butshewashere
Ithrewmyarmsaroundher.
“Icouldn’tnotbehere,”shewhispered.
Icouldn’tevenimaginethestrengthitmusthavetakenforhertopullherselfoutofthehousetobehereforme.Theemotionalanguishshewouldfeel,watchingmehavetheweddingshenevergot.
Butshecame
Joshhuggedher,andforthefirsttime,IsawBrandon’sabsenceetchedonhisface.He’dbeendoingagoodjobtryingnottodwellonit,Ithink.ButwithSloanhere,Brandonwasavoid.
Thiswasn’tthewayanyofthiswassupposedtogo.SloanandBrandonwouldhavebeenlongdonewiththeirhoneymoonbytoday,athomeandsettledin.Idon’tknowwhereJoshandIwouldbe,butIrealizednowtherewasnoworldinwhichthetwoofusdidn’tenduptogether.AndBrandonandSloanwouldhavebeeninourwedding,supportingus.
Instead,itwasjusther.Andshewasn’treallyheranymore.Ididn’tknowifsheeverwouldbeagain.
Butatleastshewashere.
SloanstoodnexttomeandIsniffled,pickinguptheTacoBellreceiptI’djottedmyvowsdownon.
IlookedupatJosh.Hischestroseandfellalittletoofast.Hehadthislookonhishandsomeface—atouchofanxiety,worry,andanticipationaroundhisbrow,likehewasafraidatanyminuteallthiswouldbetakenfromhim,likeImightsuddenlychangemymind.
Ideservedthat.
Thiswasashotgunwedding.Joshwastheoneholdingtheshotgun.
Thiswholethingwassomeflash-bang-chaoscampaigntohustlemeintomarriagebeforeIgotmybearings.HewantedtolockmedownbeforeIfreakedoutonhimandran.That’swhyhe’drushedthis.Only,thejokewasonhim—Iwantedtobelockeddown,andI’dneverchangemymind.I’dneverleavehimagain.Ifhewantedthisrustbucketofabodysobadly,hecouldhaveit,andI’djusthavetospendtherestofmylifemakingsurehefeltsecureandloved.
Ilookedathim,myeyessteady,andItookadeepbreath.“Joshua,Ivowtotextyouback.”
Everyoneintheroomlaughed,myfiancéincluded,andhisfacerelaxed.
Icontinued.“Iwillanswereverycallyoumaketomefortherestofmylife.You’llneverchasemeagain.”
Hiseyesfilledwithtears,andheseemedtoletgoofabreathhe’dbeenholding.
“Ipromisetoalwaysgotofamilydayatthestationsoyouknowthatyou’reloved.Ivowtosupportyouandfollowyouanywhereuntilyou’vefoundtheplacethatmakesyouhappy.I’llbeyourbestfriendandtryandfillthatholeinyourheart.I’mgoingtotakecareofyouandcherishyou,alwaysandnomatterwhat.”Ismiledathim.“I’llorbitaroundyouandbeyouruniverse,becauseyou’vealwaysbeenmysun.”
Hewipedathiseyes,andhehadtotakeamomentbeforehereadhisownvows.
WhileIwaited,Ilethisfaceanchorme.Isoakedhimin,lethisloveremindmeagainandagainthatIwasworthit.
Helookedathispaperandthenseemedtodecidehedidn’tneedit,settingitdownonthedesk.Hegatheredupmyhands.“Kristen,Ivowthatnomatterwhathealthissueslieahead,Iwillloveandtakecareofyou.Iwillshowyoueverydayofyourlifethatyou’rewortheverything.Iwillcarryyourworries.AllIaskisthatyoucarryyourowndogpurse.”
Theroomchuckledagain.
“IpromisetoloveStuntmanMikeandslayyourspiders,andkeepyoufromgettinghangry.”
NowIwaslaughingthroughtears.
“Iwillalwaysdefendyou.I’llalwaysbeonyourside.”ThenheturnedtoSloan.“AndIvowtoprotectandcareforyou,Sloan,likeyou’remysister,fortherestofmylife.”
Thisdidit.Thetearsrandownmyface,andIwasinhisarmsandweepingbeforeIknewI’dclosedthedistance.
Wewerebothcrying.Wewereallcrying,eventhewitnesseswhohadnoideahowhardthejourneyhadbeentogethere,thesacrificesthatweremadeforthisunion.
Orwhowe’dlostalongtheway.FORTY-ONE
Kristen
Doctors’officesareneverwarmenough.You’dthinkthey’dkeeptheheatupinaplacewhereyou’reexpectedtositandwearnothingbutapapergown.
JoshleanednexttomeagainsttheexaminingtablewhereIsatwithmybarelegsdangling.HeheldmyhandsoIcouldn’tfidget.
“Doesitalwaystakethislong?”heasked,checkinghiswatch.
HisweddingringwasonhiswatchhandandIsmiledatit,despitebeingcoldandnervous.Theinscriptioninsidehisringsaid“okay.”I’dhadmyringsized,andJoshhaditinscribedwith“myuniverse.”Wewereadorable.
Wewerealsohungry.
Ithadbeenalmostahalfanhoursincetheultrasoundtechfinishedtakingimages.Nobodyhadbeenbacksince,andI’dhadtofastforaglucosetest.Joshhadn’teateninsolidarity,sowewerebothstarving.
Isighed.“Idon’tknowhowlongthistakes.I’veneverhadapre-opforahysterectomybefore.”
We’dbeenmarriedfourweeks.Ithadbeenahecticmonth.
Joshhadmovedinwithme,butwerealizedalmostondayonethatweneededaplaceclosertoSloan.Bothofusweretheremorethanwewereathome.
Weaskedhertomoveinwithusandshe’dflatlyrefused.Weaskedtomoveinwithherandsherefusedthattoo.Sowe’dbeenhousehuntinginadditiontomergingourlives,launchingournewlineofdoghouses,andtakingcareofmybestfriend.
JoshhadtakenonallthehomerepairsthatBrandonhadn’tgottento.Hecookedmostofourmeals,andIspentalmosteverydaystillgettingheroutofbed,cleaningherhouse,tryingtocheerherup.
Shewasn’tgettinganybetter.
TheonlytimeIcouldgethertoleavethehousewastovisitBrandon’sgraveorfortheoccasionalvisittoStarbucks.Sherefusedtogotothedoctorforcounselingorantidepressantstohelpgetherthrough.Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.
JoshnuzzledmeandIclosedmyeyes,leaningintohim.“WhatshouldwebringtoSloan’sforlunch?”heasked.
“Um,shelikestacos.Wecanstopatthetacotruckonthewayover.”
Hecuppedmycheekwithhishand.“Soundsgood.Remindmetofixherbedroomdoor.Thelockhasbeensticking.”
Itiltedmyheadandhekissedme.Hewasalwayskissingme.Touchingme,huggingme,holdingmyhand.Wedidn’tgetahoneymoon,butitdidn’tmatter.
Everydaywasourhoneymoon.
LastweekSloan’smomcameandspentafewdayswithhersoJoshandIcouldflytoSouthDakotaformetomeethisfamily.
Hewasnotkidding.Hissisterswerecrazy.
Ilovedthosebitches.
Itwaslikerunningwithapackoffemalealphawolvesfightingforthepackleaderposition.Itwassomuchfun.
Whenwewerethere,wedecidedhissisterCarmenwasinthebestplacetobeourfirstsurrogate.Shewasastay-at-homemomwithhertoddlerandherseven-year-old,andshe’dhadtheeasiestpregnancies.
I’dhavetododailyinjectionsbeforetheycouldharvestmyeggs,andmyfibroidsneverrespondedpleasantlytohormones,soeventhoughwewerebusywithSloanandmyrecoverywasgoingtobealongone,wedecidedtoschedulemyhysterectomy.
Itwastime.Mycrampshadbeenhorrible,andIwasstillspottingalmostdaily.Thefibroidshadstartedpushingagainstmybladder,andIcouldn’tsleeponmystomachanymorebecauseitwastoouncomfortable.AndnomatterhowmanytimesJoshtoldmeIwassexy,Ididn’tfeellikeitwithmypotbelly.
Iwasreadytobedone.
Joshwaskissingmewhentheknockcameonthedoor,andwejumpedawayfromeachotherliketeenagerswhojustgotcaughtmakingout.
Dr.Angelolethimselfin,lookingatmychart.“Well,wehaveallyourtestsback.Mr.Copeland,youweredefinitelyrighttobeconcerned.”Heflippedapage,scanneditforamoment,andthenturnedtome.“You’vegotafewthingsgoingonthatunfortunatelyaregoingtomakethehysterectomyoutofthequestion.”
Hisfacewasgrave.
Iclosedmyeyesandletoutalongbreath.Somethingwaswrongwithme.
Iknewit.
Theysayyou’reonlyasoldasyoufeel.IwasbeginningtothinkImightbesomekindofancientrelicorsomething.
Forthelastfewweeks,I’dbeengettingheadachesandIwasreallyrun-down.AndI’dbeenlosingweightlikecrazy.IkepthavingdizzinessthatIdidn’tdaretellJoshaboutbecausehewouldhavedraggedmestraighttourgentcare.He’dalreadybeenridingmerelentlesslytogetmyglucoselevelstested.Ididn’thavetimetobehauledofftothehospital.Ihadshittodo.
AndnowIhaddiabetesorcancerorsomerareheartcondition,andJoshwasgoingtohavetotakecareofmydyingass.
Thiswasjustmyluck.NotonlywasIgoingtohavetokeepmystupid,bleeding,bulginguterus,butnowI’dhavetodealwithwhateverelsewaswrongwithme.
Iseriouslydidn’thavetimeforthis.Sloanwasafull-timejob.Myjobwasafull-timejob.
AndpoorJosh.Ijustwantedtobeagoodwifetohim.Iwantedtobenormalandhealthy.AndifIcouldn’thaveahysterectomy,couldmyeggsbeharvestedforinvitro?Imean,howfar-reachingwasthis?AndifIcouldn’tdoinvitro,wouldmyhealthkeepusfrombeingabletoadopt?Theyhadrulesaboutthat,didn’tthey?Ifyouweredying,youcouldn’tbringakidintoit?
Myvelociraptorscratchedatsomeinnerdoor.ButJoshputahandonmyshoulderandgavemeareassuringsqueeze,andthemonsterwentbackintohibernation.
Iknewmyhusbandwouldn’tleaveme,nomatterwhatbombwasabouttobedropped.AndthethingthatsuckedwasI’dlethimputaringonthis,andnowIcouldn’tleavehimtosparehimalifetimeofmyhealthissues.Wellplayed,Josh.Hewasstuckwithme.
Isighedandbracedforthenews.
Dr.Angelopulledhisstoolupandsat,hisclipboardbalancingonhisthigh.Hetwinedhisfingersinhislap.“You’repregnant,Mrs.Copeland.”
Everythingstopped.
Josh’shandwentslackonmyshoulder.
Istaredatthedoctor.“I’mwhat?”
“Alittleoverfourmonthsalong.”Dr.Angelogaveusagrin.
“What??”Joshbreathed.
Dr.Angeloswiveledhisstoolinfrontoftheultrasoundmachine.Hetypedintothekeyboard,andablack-and-whiteimagecameuponthemonitor.
Hetappedapentoaspotonthescreen.“There’sBaby.”Hetiltedhishead.“There’safoot.WehaveBaby’sheadhere.There’sahand…”
JoshandIgawkedatthescreen.Idon’tthinkeitherofusbreathed.Myearsstartedtoring.
Ablack-and-whitepaperprintedoutunderthemonitor,andDr.Angelohandedittous.“Yourfirstbabypicture.”
JoshandIlookeddownonthethinpaperinshock,eachofusholdingacorner.
Dr.Angelopushedhisglassesuphisnose.“Yourglucosetestsdidcomebackalittleoff.Gestationaldiabetes.You’llneedtobevigilantwithyourdietfromnowon,andyou’llhavetotestyourbloodsugar.”Hetalkedtohisclipboard.“That’swhatcausedthatboutwithhypoglycemiathatyoumentioned.”HenoddedatJosh.“I’llgiveyouadietaryprintout.Yourultrasoundslookgood.Yourbabyappearstobehealthy.Everythinglooksfine.”
“How??”Ibreathed.“IhaveanIUD.Andthefibroids!I’vebeenbleedingthiswholetime!”
Dr.Angeloshookhishead.“Youmentionedspottingwhenwespokeearlier.Spottingandcrampingarenotunusualduringpregnancy,especiallyafterintercourse.AndfromwhatIcansee,yourIUDis,well—”Helaughedalittle.“It’snotthere.Ididn’tseeit.Myradiologistdidn’tseeiteither.Itwaslikelyexpelledduringaheavymenstrualflow.Ifyourperiodisheavyenough,theIUDcouldhavedislodgedandpassedcompletelyundetected.”
Joshwasshaking.Icouldfeelthetremorinhishand.Ilookedupathimandhiseyeswerewide.Istartedtolaughmanically,andassoonasIlostit,hedidtoo.Thedoctorwaitedpatientlyforustogetourselvestogether.
“Howisthishappening?Thingslikethisjustdon’thappen.”Ilookedup,wipingatmycheeks.“Whydon’tIfeelitmoving?Isitokay?”
Iwasprocessingallthisatarateofathousandwhat-the-fuckspersecond.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Iliterallycouldn’tbelieveit.
Thedoctorsmiledreassuringlyatme.“You’restillalittleearlyyet.Andifyou’renotanticipatingbeingpregnant,it’snotunusualtodisregardthefetalmovementandsymptomsassomethingelse.”
“Ijustthoughtthiswas…thefibroids.Iwassousedtofeelinglikecrap…”Iputahandonthesmall,roundedbulgethatwasmystomachforthefirsttimeinmonths.
Ababy.
Myswollenstomachwasababy.Notabellyfulloftumors,butababy
Iwaspregnant
“Yourfibroidsdon’tseemtobecausinganyproblemsforthepregnancy.Thetumorsactuallyappeartohaveshrunkquiteabitsinceyourlastvisit,”Dr.Angelosaid,flippingthroughmychart.“It’snotuncommonforthepregnancyhormonestohavethiseffect.”
Thelastfourmonthsbegantocomeatmeinflashes.“ButIdrank.AndIdidn’ttakevitaminsand…and…”
“Theoccasionaldrinkwon’tharmthepregnancy.Evengettingalittletipsyonceortwicewon’thurtthebaby.Andwhileprenatalsareideal,youcangetmostofwhatyouneedinyournormaldiet.”
Igaspedforair.Iwasgettingdizzy.Icoveredmymouthwithmyhands,andthenIbrokedown.Body-wrenchingsobs.IclutchedJoshagain,andheburiedmeinhischest.
Neitherofuscouldcontainouremotions.Youcouldprobablyhearusthroughthewholeclinic,laughingandwailinglikelunatics.
ThedoctorhandedJoshandmetissues.“I’mrecommendingyoutakeiteasy,andwe’dliketoseeyougainalittleweight.You’reabouttenpoundsfromwhereyoushouldbe.Apregnancyrequiresanextrathreehundredcaloriesaday.It’lltakeeverythingyouhaveifyoudon’teatproperly,andwewantyouniceandstrongforthedelivery,Mrs.Copeland.”
Theroomwhirledaroundme.Icouldn’tcatchuptoit.
Pregnant.Me.MeandJosh.
WhenthedoctorfinallylefttheroomafterI’daskedallmyquestionsandIgottoseethebabyagainontheultrasoundandheartheheartbeat,JoshandIsathugging.
“Itwasthatnight,”Isaid.“ThenightofSloan’sparty.”
Helaughedandwipedawetstrandofhairoffmycheek.“Thefirsttime.Itwastheonlytimewedidn’tusecondomsbackthen.OneshotandIknockedyouup.”
Isnorted.“Itwasyoursupersperm.ThankGodyoumadeanhonestwomanoutofme.Draggedmerightdownforacivilceremony,befittingmyscandalouscondition.”
Helaughed.Thenhehoveredahandovermystomachandlookedatmeforpermission.
He’dtouchedeveryinchofmybodybutthere.Inodded,andhesethiswarmpalmovermybellybutton,anditwasthemostintimatemomentofmylife.Heleanedoverandkissedme,holdingourbabyunderhishand.
Andthentheterrortookover.Ijerkedback,suddenlyfrightened.“Josh,whatifImiscarry?Mymomlostmybrother.Whatifitcomestooearly?Whatifit’sagirlandshehasthesameissuesIdo?WhatifI’mashittymomlikemymomandIdon’tknowhowtoraiseherortellherhowmuchIloveheror…or…”Hystericsbubbledoutofme.
Iwasnowawomanwhogothysterical.
“Hey,hey.You’renotgoingtobeashittymom,”hesaid,holdingmyfaceinhishands.“You’renothinglikeEvelyn.Don’tthinkaboutthewhat-ifs,becausethere’snothingyoucandotostopanyofit.Let’sjustenjoythis.Andifthingsdon’tgothewayweplanned,we’lldealwithit.Alwaysandnomatterwhat.Together.”
Inodded,theshakinginmyhandsslowingthetighterheheldme.
Iclosedmyeyesandcalmedmybreathing,focusingonmyhusband’shandsonmyfaceandhisfamiliarpresence.Myrock.Thecalminmystorm.Thewhispertomyscream.
ThenIlookedupathim,thefinalrealitycomingintofocus.“Josh.You’regoingtobeadaddy.”
Hegavemeasidewaysgrin,tearsandjoytwinklinginhiseyes.“Kristen…youaregoingtobeamommy.”Epilogue
Josh
2yearslater
IleanedintothebackoftheSUVandunbuckledOliverBrandonfromhiscarseat.Kristenstoodnexttome,adiaperbagslungoverhershoulder.“You’resureyouwanttodothis?Whatifsheeatshim?”
Ismiled,liftingthebabyintomyarmsandgrabbinghissippycup.“Evelyn’strying.Shedeservesachance.”Iclosedthedoorandturnedtoher.
Mywifeeyedme.“Shecalledyouarapscallion.”
Ilaughed.“Yes—yesshedid.”
KristenandIhadgoodfunwiththatone.ItwasKristen’sfavoritenicknameforme.
IgaveOliverhissippycup.“Butinallfairness,youtoldheryouweremarriedandpregnantviaPotatogram.Shehadarighttobeupset.Givemethis.”Itookthediaperbagfromher.“Youshouldn’tbeliftingmorethanyouneedto.”
Shescowledatme.“It’sbeenfourmonthssincemysurgery.Icancarryafive-pounddiaperbag.”
Ikissedthesideofherstubbornhead.
AfterOliverwasborn,we’dtriedforoverayeartogetpregnantagain.Butlightningdidn’tstriketwice.
We’dgonetoafertilityspecialistanddonethreeunsuccessfulroundsofinvitro,butherfibroidskepttheembryosfromimplanting.
Kristenhadbeenmiserable.Herperiodswereanightmare.Shewasinpainandborderlineanemic.That,coupledwiththefertilitytreatmentsandcaringforaninfant,hadbeenreallyhardonusboth.
I’dhatedtoseehersuffering.
Shewasreluctanttopullthetriggeronthehysterectomythistimebecausewe’dgottenluckyonce.Butafteroverayearofit,wesawOliverforwhathewas—amiracle.Andonethatwouldn’trepeatitself.
SowithlotsofreassurancefrommethatitwasokayandthatIjustwantedhertobehealthy,she’dhadthehysterectomyattwenty-six.
Andshewasanewperson.
Idon’tthinkItrulyrealizedhowstrongmywifewas.Kristendidn’tliketotellmewhenshewasn’tfeelingwell.Shedidagoodjobhidingitandputtingonahappyface.Butwhenthecrampsandbleedingwerenolongeradailypartofherlife,shebloomed.Shesleptbetter,shehadmoreenergy.Ittransformedher.Evenherhangrywaslessterrifying.
Seeingherlikethiswasagift.
“Youknow,Momwillprobablyhavehimpottytrainedbytomorrow,”shesaid.
“Good.”IpeeredupatthefrontofEvelyn’s1940s-eraSimiValleymansion.“I’mlikingthisbetterandbetterbytheminute.”
Wemadeourwayupthesteps,andEvelynopenedthedoorbeforeweknocked.
Istillcouldn’tgetusedtoseeingthisladysmiling.Butshedid.NotatKristenandme,ofcourse,butshelovedhergrandson.
“There’smygrandbaby!”shesaidwithaflourish.
SheleanedinandgaveKristenandmeanair-kissandthentookOliverfrommeinaflurryofChanelNo.5.
Maria,thenightnurseEvelynhadonstafftogetustoagreetoasleepover,tookthediaperbag.
OliverknewMaria.EvelynhadhiredherforustohelpoutforthefirstfewweeksafterhewasbornandagainwhenKristenwasrecoveringfromherhysterectomy
Evelynhadbecomeveryhelpfulasoflate.She’dgonetobeingallcarrotandnosticknowthatthestickhadstoppedworking.
Sloanwasdoingaswellascouldbeexpected.Iwouldn’tsayshewasthriving,butshewasfunctionalagain.AndsomeofthatwasEvelyn’sdoing.Inadditiontohelpinguswithourson,EvelynhadalsosteppedintorepresentSloaninprobatecourttohelpherkeepherhouse.Notthatitwasmuchtohangonto.Iwasoverthereweeklytryingtokeepitstanding.Butthegesturehadmeanttheworldtoallthreeofus.Andafterthat,Ifounditveryhardtorebuffherattemptsatbeinginhergrandson’slife.
Kristenwasstillleery.ButIdidn’tworryaboutit.OliverwasthefirstthingEvelyneveracknowledgedthatKristenhaddoneright.
Kristenbitherlipnervously,andIputahandonhershoulder.
“Areyousureyoucanhandlethis,Mom?”sheasked.
Oliverhadalwaysbeenwithatleastoneofusatanygiventime.Itwashisfirstsleepover.Buttodaywasaspecialoccasion,andweneededthehouseempty.
Evelynwavedheroff,adiamondtennisbraceletflashingonherwrist.“Yes,yes.Youtwogo.Happybirthday.Enjoyyournight,dear.”
Evelynturnedbackintothehouse,whisperingtoOliverthattheyweregoingtoseehismommy’spiano.Theplinkingsoundofbabyhandsonkeysfollowedasweclosedthedoorbehindus.
Westoodontheporch.“Freeatlast,”Isaid,slippingmyhandsaroundherwaist.
Shewrappedherarmsaroundmyneckandkissedme.“We’regonnadothatthingwelike,allnight,right?”
Icuppedmyhandsunderherassandnippedatherlip,smiling.“It’sbeensolong…”
“Iknow—can’twaittogetyouinbed,”shewhispered.
Igrinned.“We’retalkingaboutsleeping,aren’twe?”
Welaughedagainsteachother’slips,andIkissedherdeeply,rightthereonEvelyn’sporch.
Fuck,Inevergotenoughofmywife.Shewasthesexiestwomanalive.Ilovedeveryinchofher.Ilovedherstretchmarksandherscars,thespecksinhereyesandthebirthmarkonherneck.Allherflawlessimperfections.
IwasgratefuleverymomentofeverysingledaythatBrandonbroughtmetoher.ShewasmyeverlastinggiftfromamanI’dneverforgetfortherestofmylife
Ibrokeawayandputmyforeheadtohers.“SoyouwantIn-N-Outforlunchandsteaksfordinner,right?”
Shenoddedandputherhandovermyheartwherethetattooofhernamewas.“Josh?IthinkIcouldbereadyagaintokeeptrying.Shouldwestarttalkingaboutsurrogacy?Carmenisstilldownforit,right?”
Iknewwhyshewasasking.Shestillwantedtogivememybaseballteam.Butmydreamshadchanged.
Seeingthestrainoftheinvitroprocessandhowmuchittookoutofheremotionallyandphysically—Ijustwantedhertobehappy.Iwantedhertoenjoyourson.Shenevercomplained,butIknewshewastiredofthedoctor’svisitsandthehormoneinjectionsandthedisappointment.Ifshewasupforitinafewyears,maybewe’dtryagainorlookintotheotheroptions.Wewereyoung—wehadtime.ButIdidn’twanthertodoitformebecauseshethoughtsheowedittome.She’ddoneenough.
Iputmyhandsonherface.“Let’stakeabreak,Kristen.I’mhappywhereweare.Andifthisisourfamily,I’mgoodwiththat.”
Thereliefwasvisibleinhereyes.“Areyousure?”
Mymouthcurvedupintoasmile.“I’mverysure.IhaveeverythingIneed.”ANotefromtheAuthor
WhenIsatdowntopenthisnovel,IknewIwantedtowriteastorythatfeltreal—astorythatcouldincludehangry,neuroticwomenwhoactuallygetperiods,andthemenwholovethem(lol).
Withinfertilitybeingaseriousandprevalentissue,IfeltlikeIhadaresponsibilitytotellthisnotonlycompassionately,butalsoauthentically.SoforthisIwenttosomeonewholivedit.
WhileKristen’slovestorywithJoshisfiction,herinfertilityjourneyisinspiredbyrealevents.
Kristen’scharacterisbasedonmybestfriend,Lindsay,andherstrugglewithinfertility.Italkaboutitnowwithherfullpermission,thesamewayIwroteaboutit.
Lindsayhadafullhysterectomyattheageofjusttwenty-nineafterdealingwithdebilitatingreproductiveissuesforyears.Whileshewasabletoconceivehertwochildrennaturally(andmuchlikeKristen,withoutmedicalinterventionandtohercompletesurprise),shedealtwithsecondaryinfertilityduetosevereuterinefibroids.Shehadall—ifnotmore—ofthephysicalandemotionalchallengesKristenexperiencesinmynovel.MuchofwhatIwrotewasverbatim,asLindsaydescribedittome.
Youmayormaynothaveseenyourowninfertilityjourneyinthesepages.ThethingIrealizeddoingresearchforthisbook—andthetruthyoumightalreadyknowifyou’regoingthroughthisyourself—isthatthereisnouniversalstorytotell.Notwoexperiencesarethesame,andanymeasureofthischallengingdiagnosisisheartbreakingtoendure.
Whatdoesunifythesestoriesarethefeelingsofhopelessness,worthlessness,guilt,anddespairthatcomewiththisverycommon,butoftennotdiscussed,healthissue.AndsothatiswhatIstrovetotellinTheFriendZone
Justonefinalnote.
Kristen’shappyendingwasneveraboutgettingpregnant.Itwasaboutherallowingherselftobeloved,despitewhatshefeltwereshortcomings.Itwasaboutherrecognizingthatshewasn’tdefinedbyherabilitytohavechildren,andthatherworthwentbeyondthestateofheruterus.ThatwasherhappilyeverafterAcknowledgments
Therearesomanypeopletothankforthisbookbecomingapublishedreality.
FirstandforemostIhavetoacknowledgemycritbuddiesandbetareaders.Thesepeopletrudgedthroughsomeseriouslyawfulshitbeforeitbecamethebookyoujustread.Aspecialshout-outtomyveryfirstbetareader,KristenMcBride,whowasreadingmystuffbeforeitwascool.Andyes,mymaincharacterisnamedafterherinthanks.Youtookonefortheteam,gurl.You’veearnedit.
ThankyoutoJoeyRinger,Hijo,TiaGreene,ShaunaLawless,DebbyWallace,J.C.Nelson,JillStorm,LizSmith-Gehris,G.W.Pickle,DawnCooper,AndreaDay,LisaStremmel,LisaSushko,MicheleAlborg,AmandaWulff,SummerHeacock,StaceySargent,George,Jhawk,AbbyLuther,PattPandolfi,BessyChavez,MandyGeisler,TeressaSadowski,StephanieTrimble,andKristynMay.
ToNaomi,myoldestdaughter,wholovedtohearmystoryideasandencouragedmetowritethemdownandthenintypicalteenagerfashionrolledhereyesandsaidI’dprobablynotevenmentionherintheacknowledgments—Ishowedyou,yousaltybitch.
Thankyoutothepeoplewholenttheirexpertisesothatthisstorycouldbeauthentic:ValerieHalesSummerfield(ICUnurse),TerrySaenz(emergencyroomnurse),SuzannaandTJKeeran(Californiafirefighterparamedics),andmyOB-GYNwhoansweredsomereallyrandomreproductivehealthquestionswithoutanyexplanationonmypart.
Tomybestfriend,LindsayVanHorn,whoseriouslydidn’treadshitbecausesheonlydoesaudiobooksbutwhowastheinspirationforKristenandthecheerleaderIneededalongtheway.Also,shesentmeacongratulatoryPotatogramuponthenewsofmybookdeal,withzeroknowledgethatI’dwrittenthatintothenovel.DamnifIdon’tknowher.
Ican’texpressenoughgratitudeandappreciationformyliteraryagent,StaceyGraham.Shetookonelookatthatemailfromanunknown,first-timeauthor,readthedickjokeI’dputinmyquery,andsaid,“Thisgirlisgoingplaces.”Shewashonorable,supportive,encouraging,andgenerallyjustanamazinghumanbeingrightfromtheonset.Shetalkedmeoffledges,wasanadvisor,andmostimportant,afriend.Thankyoufortakingachanceonme.
ThankyoutoDawnFrederickforlettingmebeapartofRedSofaLiterary.
Athankstomyeditor,Leah,whosawsomethinginmeandwantedtobringmystoriestotheworld.Yourmadskillsandguidanceunleashmycreativity,andIcanhonestlysaymybooksarebetterbecauseyou’reapartofthem.Thanks,too,totheentireForeverteam,who’ssupportedthisbookfromthebeginning:Estellewithheramazingpublicity,Lexi,Gabi,Cristina,andtoElizabethfortheawesomecover.
Andlastly,tomylong-sufferinghusband,Carlos,whosacrificedtimewithmeandmyattentionsoIcouldfocus(compulsively,Imightadd)onmypassion.Ifitweren’tforhim,Iwouldn’tknowwhatahappilyeverafterlookslike.PeopleaskmeifJoshismyhusband.AllthebestpartsofanymanIeverwritewillalwaysbesomethingI’veseeninmyown.Nofictionalcharacterwilleverbehim—he’sbetter.DiscoverYourNextGreatRead
Getsneakpeeks,bookrecommendations,andnewsaboutyourfavoriteauthors.
Tapheretolearnmore
Don’tmissAbby’ssecondnovel,TheHappilyEverAfterPlaylist,
featuringSloan’sheartbreakingandromanticstory,cominginspring2020.AbouttheAuthor
AbbyJimenezisaFoodNetworkchampion,motivationalspeaker,andcontemporaryromancenovelistlivinginMinnesota.AbbyfoundedNadiaCakesoutofherhomekitchenin2007.Thebakeryhassinceexpandedtomultiplelocationsintwostates,wonnumerousFoodNetworkcompetitions,andamassedaninternationalcultfollowing.Abbyhassinceturnedhertalentstopenningnovels.Shelovesagoodbook,coffee,doglets,andnotleavingthehouse.
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