The Kiss Quotient

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Copyright?2018byHelenHoang
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Names:Hoang,Helen,author.
Title:Thekissquotient/HelenHoang.
Description:NewYork:JOVE/Berkley,2018.|“AJOVEbook”—Versotitlepage.
Identifiers:LCCN2017061141|ISBN9780451490803(paperback)|ISBN9780451490810(ebook)
Subjects:LCSH:Womenmathematicians—Fiction.|Asperger’ssyndrome—Fiction.|Escortservices—Fiction.|Man-womanrelationships—Fiction.|BISAC:FICTION/Romance/Contemporary.|FICTION/ContemporaryWomen.|GSAFD:Lovestories.
Classification:LCCPS3608.O1775K572018|DDC813/.6—dc23LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2017061141
FirstEdition:June2018
CoverdesignandillustrationbyColleenReinhart
BackgroundequationtexturebyMarinaSun/Shutterstock
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
Version_1Dedicatedtomyfamily.
Thankyou,Ngo?i,M?,Ch?2,Ch?3,Ch?4,Anh5,and7,forbeingmysafeplace
Thankyou,Honey,forlovingme,labels,quirks,obsessions,andall.
Thankyou,B-BandI-I,forlettingyourmamawrite.YouarethebestthingIhave.Acknowledgments
Theysaywritingisasolitarytask.Andthat’strue.Yousitdown,andyouwritealone.Butthisbookneverwouldhavecomesofarwithoutthehelpandsupportofmany,many,manypeople.
Thisbook,inthisform,wouldnotexistifIhadn’thadtheopportunitytoparticipateinBrendaDrake’sPitchWarscontest.Thankyou,BrendaandthePitchWarsteam.You’redoinganamazingthing.(Ifyou’reanunpublishedfictionwriter,youshouldreallycheckoutpitchwars.org.)Thecontestconnectedmetomywonderfulmentor,BrightonWalsh,whohashadanimmeasurableimpactonmylife.Notonlydidshehelpmeimprovemywriting,butsheguidedmethroughthiswildjourneytowardpublicationandbecameatruefriend.Thankyou,Brighton,fromthebottomofmyheart.
Thankyousomuchtoallmycritiquepartnersfortakingtimetoreadmywork.AvaBlackstone,youweremyveryfirstwritingfriend.Yougavemecourageandconfidence,andI’msuperluckytoknowyou.KristinRockaway,youreadthefirstcrappydraftofthisbook,andyourfeedbackhelpedmegetintoPitchWars.MichaelandStella’sfirstkissisbetter(moreawkward,lol)thankstoyou!GwynneJackson,youfantastichuman,thankyouforbeingthere.Youarehonest,patient,andkind,andI’mkeepingyouforever.SuzannePark,Idon’tknowwheretostartwithyou.Youareatrulygenerousperson,sodamnfunny,andyougetme.JenDeLuca,I’mgratefulIgottohaveamenteesisterduringPitchWarsandsupergladitwasyou.Iamenviousofyourincrediblewritingandtrytoemulateit.ReLynnVaughn,thankyouforyourhonestyandencouragementandincludingmeinVivaLaColinsoIcouldmeetAshAlexanderandRandiPerrin.Youladiesaresofun.A.R.Lucas,I’mendlesslyentertainedthatIwroteyourdoppelgangerinStella.ShannonCaldwell,thankyoufortellingmeyoureadthewholebookinonenight—Iwalkedaroundgrinningforhours.JennyHowe,thankyouforlettingmesendyoumyprogressupdatestostayontrack.C.P.Rider,weneedtogotoDenny’sagain!
ThankyoutothePitchWarsmenteeclassof2016.Youareanincrediblegroupofpeople.RightnowasIworkontheseacknowledgments,afewofyouarewritingwithmeinourAmWritingGroup.IanBarnes,MeghanMolin,RosieeThor,LauraLashley,TriciaLynn,MaxymMartineau,AlexaMartin,RosalynBaker,JulieClark,TracyGold,TamaraAnne,RachelGriffin(IstillwanttonameabookCalculust!),NicEliz,AnnetteChristi,andsomanyothershavebeentheretoflipvirtualtablesoverrejectionsandcheerforsuccesses.Youguysmakethiswritingthingevenbetter.ThankyoutoPitchWarsmentorLauraBrown.Iwasn’tyourmentee,butyourkindnesshasalwaysstuckwithme.
ThankyoutotheSanDiegochapterofRomanceWritersofAmerica.DemiHungerford,LisaKessler,andMarieAndreas,alotofmywritingandrevisinggetsdoneduringsprintswithyou.TameriEtherton,LauraConnors,RachelDavish,TamiVahalik,TessaMcFionn,andJanetTait,youareoneawesomepackofwomen,andyoualwaysmakemefeelwelcome.ExtrathankstoHelenKayDimonforleadingourchapter’sAprilWritingChallenge,duringwhichIwrotemostofthefirstdraftofthisbook.
ThankyoutotheAutisticWomen’sAssociationforhelpingmemeetotherautisticwomenlikemyself.ThepeopleI’veinteractedwithinourFacebookgrouparesomeofthesweetest,mostconsiderateindividualsI’veeverknown,andit’sanincredibleexperienceknowingI’mnotalone,thatthereareotherswhosharemysamechallengesandeccentricities.Harriet,Heather,Elizabeth,andTad,amongmany,youladieswereagreatsupportasIlearnedmoreaboutmyselfandautism,andeventuallyattainedadiagnosis.Thankyouforyourfriendship.
Specialthankstomyincredibleagent,KimLionetti,forbeingpatientwithme,fightingforme,andmakingdreamscometruebyfindingTheKissQuotientahome.
Thankyou,CindyHwang,forseeingpotentialinthisbookandbeingabsolutelywonderful.KristineSwartz,JessicaBrock,TawannaSullivan,ColleenReinhart,andothers,youhavebeenapleasuretoworkwith.Thankyou,Berkley,forhelpingmeshareanotherperspectivewithreadersandliterallyfighthatewithlove.Contents
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Epilogue
Author’sNote
ReadersGuide
AbouttheAuthor{CHAP+ER}
1
“Iknowyouhatesurprises,Stella.Intheinterestsofcommunicatingourexpectationsandprovidingyouareasonabletimeline,youshouldknowwe’rereadyforgrandchildren.”
StellaLane’sgazejumpedfromherbreakfastuptohermother’sgracefullyagingface.Asubtleapplicationofmakeupdrewattentiontobattle-ready,coffee-coloredeyes.ThatbodedillforStella.Whenhermothergotsomethingintohermind,shewaslikeahoneybadgerwithavendetta—pugnaciousandtenacious,butwithoutthesnarlingandfur.
“I’llkeepthatinmind,”Stellasaid.
Shockgavewaytorapid-fire,panic-scrambledthoughts.Grandchildrenmeantbabies.Anddiapers.Mountainsofdiapers.Explodingdiapers.Andbabiescried,soul-gratingbansheewailsthateventhebestsound-cancelingheadphonescouldn’tbuffer.Howdidtheycrysolongandhardwhentheyweresolittle?Plus,babiesmeanthusbands.Husbandsmeantboyfriends.Boyfriendsmeantdating.Datingmeantsex.Sheshuddered.
“You’rethirty,Stelladear.We’reconcernedthatyou’restillsingle.HaveyoutriedTinder?”
Shegrabbedherwaterandgulpeddownamouthful,accidentallyswallowinganicecube.Afterclearingherthroat,shesaid,“No.Ihaven’ttriedit.”
TheverythoughtofTinder—andthecorrespondingdatingitaimedtodeliver—causedhertobreakoutinasweat.Shehatedeverythingaboutdating:thedeparturefromhercomfortableroutine,theconversationthatwasbyturnsinaneandbaffling,andagain,thesex
“I’vebeenofferedapromotion,”shesaid,hopingitwoulddistracthermother.
“Anotherone?”herfatherasked,loweringhiscopyoftheWallStreetJournalsohiswire-framedglasseswerevisible.“Youwerejustpromotedtwoquartersago.That’sphenomenal.”
Stellaperkedupandscootedtotheedgeofherseat.“Ournewestclient—alargeonlinevendorwhoshallremainnameless—providedthemostamazingdatasets,andIgettoplaywiththemallday.Idesignedanalgorithmtohelpwithsomeoftheirpurchasesuggestions.Apparently,it’sworkingbetterthanexpected.”
“Whenisthenewpromotioneffective?”herfatherasked.
“Well…”ThehollandaiseandeggyolkfromhercrabcakesBenedicthadruntogether,andsheattemptedtoseparatetheyellowliquidswiththetipofherfork.“Ididn’tacceptthepromotion.Itwasaprincipaleconometricianpositionthatwouldhavehadfivedirectreportsbeneathmeandrequiremuchmoreclientinteraction.Ijustwanttoworkonthedata.”
Hermotherbattedthatstatementawaywithanegligentwaveofherhand.“You’regettingcomplacent,Stella.Ifyoustopchallengingyourself,you’renotgoingtomakeanymoreimprovementwithyoursocialskills.Thatremindsme,arethereanycoworkersatyourcompanywhoyou’dliketodate?”
Herfathersethisnewspaperdownandfoldedhishandsoverhisroundedbelly.“Yes,whataboutthatonefellow,PhilipJames?Whenwemethimatyourlastcompanyget-together,heseemedniceenough.”
Hermother’shandsflutteredtohermouthlikepigeonshominginonbreadcrumbs.“Oh,whydidn’tIthinkofhim?Hewassopolite.Andeasyontheeyes,too.”
“He’sokay,Iguess.”Stellaranherfingertipsoverthecondensationonherwaterglass.Tobehonest,she’dconsideredPhilip.Hewasconceitedandabrasive,buthewasadirectspeaker.Shereallylikedthatinpeople.“Ithinkhehasseveralpersonalitydisorders.”
HermotherpattedStella’shand.Insteadofputtingitbackinherlapwhenshewasdone,sheresteditoverStella’sknuckles.“Maybehe’llbeagoodmatchforyou,then,dear.Withissuesofhisowntoovercome,hemightbemoreunderstandingofyourAsperger’s.”
Thoughthewordswerespokeninamatter-of-facttone,theysoundedunnaturalandloudtoStella’sears.Aquickglanceattheneighboringtablesintherestaurant’scanopiedoutdoordiningareareassuredherthatnoonehadheard,andshestareddownatthehandontopofhers,consciouslyrefrainingfromyankingitaway.Uninvitedtouchesirritatedher,andhermotherknewit.Shediditto“acclimate”her.Mostly,itdroveStellacrazy.WasitpossiblePhilipcouldunderstandthat?
“I’llthinkabouthim,”Stellasaid,andmeantit.Shehatedlyingandprevaricatingevenmorethanshehatedsex.And,attheendoftheday,shewantedtomakehermotherproudandhappy.NomatterwhatStelladid,shewasalwaysafewstepsshortofbeingsuccessfulinhermother’seyesandthereforeherown,too.Aboyfriendwoulddothat,sheknew.Theproblemwasshecouldn’tkeepamanforthelifeofher.
Hermotherbeamed.“Excellent.ThenextbenefitdinnerI’marrangingisinacouplemonths,andIwantyoutobringadatethistime.I’dlovetoseeMr.Jamesattendingwithyou,butifthatdoesn’tworkout,I’llfindsomeone.”
Stellathinnedherlips.Herlatestsexualexperiencehadbeenwithoneofhermother’sblinddates.He’dbeengood-looking—shehadtogivehimthat—buthissenseofhumorhadconfusedher.Withhimbeingaventurecapitalistandherbeinganeconomist,theyshouldhavehadalotincommon,buthehadn’twantedtotalkabouthisactualwork.Instead,he’dpreferredtodiscussofficepoliticsandmanipulationtactics,leavinghersolostshe’dbeencertainthedatewasafailure.
Whenhe’dstraight-outaskedherifshewantedtohavesexwithhim,she’dbeencaughtcompletelyoffguard.Becauseshehatedtosayno,she’dsaidyes.There’dbeenkissing,whichshedidn’tenjoy.He’dtastedlikethelambhe’dhadfordinner.Shedidn’tlikelamb.Hiscolognehadnauseatedher,andhe’dtouchedherallover.Asitalwaysdidinintimatesituations,herbodyhadlockeddown.Beforesheknewit,he’dfinished.He’ddiscardedhisusedcondominthetrashcannexttothehotelroom’sdesk—thathadbotheredher;surelyheshouldknowthingslikethatwentinthebathroom?—toldhersheneededtoloosenup,andleft.Shecouldonlyimaginehowdisappointedhermotherwouldbeifsheknewwhatadisasterherdaughterwaswithmen.
Andnowhermotherwantedbabies,too.
Stellagottoherfeetandgatheredherpurse.“Ineedtogotoworknow.”Whileshewasaheadonallherdeadlines,needwasstilltherightwordforit.Workfascinatedher,channeledthefuriouscravinginherbrain.Itwasalsotherapeutic.
“That’smygirl,”herfathersaid,standingupandbrushingoffhissilkHawaiianshirtbeforehuggingher.“You’regoingtoownthatplacebeforelong.”
Asshegavehimaquickhug—shedidn’tmindtouchingwhensheinitiateditorhadtimetomentallyprepareforit—shebreathedinthefamiliarscentofhisaftershave.Whycouldn’tallmenbejustlikeherfather?Hethoughtshewasbeautifulandbrilliant,andhissmelldidn’tmakehersick.
“Youknowherworkisanunhealthyobsession,Edward.Don’tencourageher,”hermothersaidbeforesheswitchedherattentiontoStellaandheavedamaternalsigh.“Youshouldbeoutwithpeopleontheweekend.Ifyoumetmoremen,Iknowyou’dfindtherightone.”
Herfatherpressedacoolkisstohertempleandwhispered,“IwishIwereworking,too.”
Stellashookherheadathimashermotherembracedher.Theropesofhermother’sever-presentpearlspressedintoStella’ssternum,andChanelNo.5swirledaroundher.Shetoleratedthecloyingscentforthreelongsecondsbeforesteppingback.
“I’llseeyoubothnextweekend.Iloveyou.Bye.”
ShewavedatherparentsbeforeexitingtheritzydowntownPaloAltorestaurantandwalkeddownsidewalkslinedwithtreesandupscaleshops.Afterthreesunnyblocks,shereachedalow-riseofficebuildingthathousedherfavoriteplaceintheworld:heroffice.Theleftcornerwindowonthethirdfloorbelongedtoher.
Thelockonthefrontdoorclickedopenwhensheheldherpurseuptothesensor,andshestrodeintotheemptybuilding,enjoyingthesolitaryechoofherhighheelsonthemarbleasshepassedthevacantreceptiondeskandsteppedintotheelevator.
Insideheroffice,sheinitiatedhermostbelovedroutine.First,shepoweredonhercomputerandenteredherpasswordintothepromptscreen.Asallthesoftwarebootedup,sheploppedherpurseinherdeskdrawerandwenttofillhercupwithwaterfromthekitchen.Hershoescameoff,andsheplacedthemintheirregularspotunderherdesk.Shesat.
Power,password,purse,water,shoes,sit.Alwaysthisorder.
StatisticsAnalysisSystem,otherwiseknownasSAS,automaticallyloaded,andthethreemonitorsonherdeskfilledwithstreamsofdata.Purchases,clicks,log-intimes,paymenttypes—simplethings,really.Buttheytoldhermoreaboutpeoplethanpeoplethemselveseverdid.Shestretchedoutherfingersandsetthemontheblackergonomickeyboard,eagertoloseherselfinherwork.
“Ohhi,Stella,Ithoughtitmightbeyou.”
ShelookedoverhershoulderandwasjarredbytheunwelcomeviewofPhilipJamespeeringaroundthedoorframe.Theseverecutofhistawnyhairemphasizedhissquarejaw,andhispoloshirtwastightacrosshischest.Helookedfresh,sophisticated,andsmart—preciselythekindofmanherparentswantedforher.Andhe’dcaughtherworkingforpleasureontheweekend.
Herfaceheated,andshepushedherglassesupthebridgeofhernose.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“IhadtopickupsomethingthatIforgotyesterday.”Heextractedaboxfromashoppingbagandwaveditather.StellacaughtsightofthewordTROJANingiantcapitalletters.“Haveaniceweekend.IknowIwill.”
Breakfastwithherparentsracedthroughhermind.Grandchildren,Philip,theprospectofmoreblinddates,beingsuccessful.Shelickedherlipsandhurriedtosaysomething,anything.“Didyoureallyneedaneconomy-sizedboxofthose?”
Assoonasthewordslefthermouth,shewinced.
Hesmirkedhisassholestsmirk,butitsannoyingnesswassoftenedbyashowofstrongwhiteteeth.“I’mprettysureI’mgoingtoneedhalfofthesetonightsincetheboss’snewinternaskedmeout.”
Stellawasimpresseddespiteherself.Thenewgirllookedsoshy.Whowouldhavethoughtshewassogutsy?“Fordinner?”
“Andmore,Ithink,”hesaidwithatwinkleinhishazeleyes.
“Whydidyouwaitforhertoaskyouout?Whydidn’tyouaskherfirst?”She’dgottentheimpressionmenlikedtobeinitiatorsinmatterslikethese.Wasshewrong?
Withimpatientmotions,PhilipstuffedanentiremilitiaofTrojansbackinhisshoppingbag.“She’sfreshoutofundergrad.Ididn’twanttogetaccusedofcradlerobbing.Besides,Ilikegirlswhoknowwhattheywantandgoforit…especiallyinbed.”Hesweptanappraisinggazefromherfeettoherface,smilinglikehecouldseethroughherclothes,andshestiffenedwithself-consciousness.“Tellme,areyoustillavirgin,Stella?”
Sheturnedbacktohercomputerscreens,butthedatarefusedtomakesense.Thecursorontheprogrammingscreenblinked.“It’snoneofyourbusiness,butno,I’mnotavirgin.”
Hewalkedintoheroffice,leanedahipagainstherdesk,andconsideredherinaskepticalmanner.Sheadjustedherglasseseventhoughtheydidn’tneedit.“Soourstareconometricianhas‘doneit’before.Howmanytimes?Three?”
Nowaywasshegoingtotellhimhe’dguessedcorrectly.“Noneofyourbusiness,Philip.”
“Ibetyoujustliethereandrunlinearrecursionsinyourheadwhileamandoeshisbusiness.AmIright,Ms.Lane?”
Stellawouldtotallydothatifshecouldfigureouthowtoinputgigabytesofdataintoherbrain,butshe’dratherdiethanadmitit.
“Awordofadvicefromamanwho’sbeenaroundtheblockafewtimes:Getsomepractice.Whenyou’regoodatit,youlikeitbetter,andwhenyoulikeitbetter,menlikeyoubetter.”Hepushedawayfromthedeskandheadedforthedoor,hisbagofcondomsswingingjauntilyathisside.“Enjoyyourendlessweek.”
Assoonasheleft,Stellastoodupandshovedherdoorshut,usingmoreforcethanwasnecessary.Thedoorslammedwithahard,vibratingbang,andherheartstuttered.Shesmootheddamphandsoverherpencilskirtasshebroughtherbreathingbackundercontrol.Whenshesatdownatherdesk,shewastoojitterytodomorethanstareattheblinkingcursor.
WasPhilipright?Didshedislikesexbecauseshewasbadatit?Wouldpracticereallymakeperfect?Whatabeguilingconcept.Maybesexwasjustanotherinterpersonalthingsheneededtoexertextraeffortson—likecasualconversation,eyecontact,andetiquette.
Buthowexactlydidyoupracticesex?Itwasn’tlikemenwerethrowingthemselvesatherlikewomenapparentlydidtoPhilip.Whenshedidmanagetosleepwithaman,hewassoputoffbythelacklusterexperiencethatoncewasmorethanenoughforbothofthem.
Also,thiswasSiliconValley,thekingdomoftechgeniusesandscientists.Thesinglemenavailablewereprobablyashopelessinbedasshewas.Withherluck,she’dsleepwithastatisticallysignificantpopulationofthemandhavenothingtoshowforitbutcrotchburnandSTDs.
No,whatStellaneededwasaprofessional.
Notonlyweretheycertifieddisease-free,buttheyhadproventrackrecords.Atleast,sheassumedso.Thatwashowshe’drunthingsifshewereinthatbusiness.Regularmenwereincentivizedbythingslikepersonality,humor,andhotsex—thingsshedidn’thave.Professionalswereincentivizedbymoney.Stellahappenedtohavealotofmoney.
Insteadofworkingonhershinynewdataset,StellaopenedupherbrowserandGoogled“CaliforniaBayAreamaleescortservice.”{CHAP+ER}
2
Whichenvelopeshouldheopenfirst?Thelabresultsorthebill?Michaelwasparanoidaboutprotection,sothelabresultsshouldbegood.Shouldbe.Inhisexperience,shitdidn’tneedareasontohappen.Bills,ontheotherhand,wereasurething.Theyalwayssucked.Theonlyquestionwashowhardthey’dpunchhimintheballs.
Tensinghismusclesforimpact,hetoreopenthebill.Howmuchwasitthismonth?Hescannedtothebottomoftheitemizedinvoiceandlocatedthefinalamount.Thebreathtrickledfromhislungsbeforeitgustedout.Nothorrible.Onthescaleofstingingtopulverizing,he’dputthisoneatmerelybruising.
Thatprobablymeanthe’dcontractedchlamydia.
HesetthebilldownontopofthemetalfilingcabinetnestledbehindhiskitchentableandopenedthelabresultsfromhislatestSTDscreening.Allnegative.Thankfuck.ItwasFridayeveningagain,whichmeantheneededtoworktonight.
Timetogethimselfinthemind-setforfucking.NotaneasythingtodoafterthinkingaboutSTDsandplaguingbills.Foraninstant,helethimselfimaginewhatthingswouldbelikeifthebillscametoanend.He’dbefreeatlast.Hecouldreturntohisoldlifeand—shamedousedhim.No,hedidn’twantthebillstoend.Heneverwantedthattohappen.Never.
AsMichaelpaddedthroughhischeapapartmenttowardthebathroomandshedhisclothes,hetriedtorevivehisoldenthusiasmforthisjob.Thetaboonatureofithadbeenenoughinthebeginning,butafterthreeyearsofescorting,thatwasprettymucholdhat.Therevengeaspectstillsatisfiedhim,though.
Lookatyouronlysonnow,Dad.
ItwouldtormenthisdadifhefoundoutMichaelwashavingsexformoney.Athoroughlydelightfulthought.Notanarousingone,however.Thatwaswhatfantasieswerefor.Hementallysiftedthroughhisfavorites.Whatwasheinthemoodfortonight?HotforTeacher?NeglectedHousewife?SecretLover?
Hecrankedtheshowerknobandwaitedforsteamtocloudtheairbeforeclimbingbeneaththehotspray.Abreathin,abreathout,andhereadiedhismind.Whatwasthenameoftonight’sclientagain?Shanna?Estelle?No,Stella.He’dbettwentydollarsthatwasn’therrealname,butwhatever.She’dchosentopayupfront.He’dtrytodosomethingextraniceforher.HotforTeacher,then.
Itwashisfreshmanyearofcollege.HeskippedallofhislecturesbutthisonebecauseMs.Stellalikedtodropthechalkboarderaserrightbyhischair.Picturingherskirtridingupasshebentdowntoretrievetheeraser,hegrippedhiscockandstrokedwithfirmmotions.Whenclassended,hedrapedherfacedownoverherdeskandbunchedherskirtuptoherwaisttorevealthatshewasn’twearingpanties.Heplungedintoherhardandfast.Ifsomeonewalkedinonthem…
Withagroan,heyankedhishandawaybeforehecouldflyovertheedge.HewasprimedandreadytoseeMs.Stellaoutsideofclass.
Hekepthismindlockedinthefantasyashefinishedwithhisshower,driedoff,andleftthebathroomtopullonjeans,aT-shirt,andablacksportscoat.Aquicklookinthehalf-foggedmirrorandtwoswipesofhisfingersthroughhisdamphairconfirmedhewaspresentable.
Condoms,keys,wallet.Outofhabit,herereadthespecialcommentssectionoftonight’sassignmentonhisphone.
Pleasedon’twearcologne.
Thatwaseasy.Hedidn’tlikethestuffinthefirstplace.Heslippedhisphoneintohispocketalongwitheverythingelseandlefthisapartment.
Itwasn’tlongbeforeheparkedintheundergroundlotoftheClementHotel.Ashestrolledintothesleek,ultramodernlobby,hemadesurethelapelsofhiscoatweredownandplayedhisusualpre-meet-and-greetgamewhereheimaginedwhathisnewclientwaslike.
UnderClientAgefortonight,ithadsaidthirty.Hesighedandcorrectedtheagetofifty.Anythingyoungerthanfortywasalwaysalie—unlessitwasagroupthing,whichhedidn’tdo.Bachelorettepartiespaidwell,buttheideaofdestroyingyounglovedepressedthehelloutofhim.Maybeitwaspathetic,buthewantedtoliveinaworldwherebrides-to-beonlyhadsexwiththeirgrooms-to-beandviceversa.Besides,largegroupsofhornywomenwereterrifying.Youcouldn’tdefendyourselfagainstthem,andtheirnailsweresharp.
“Stella”couldbeapamperedfiftywhoindulgedinsweets,spas,andfroufroucanines,wasthereforedecadentlyrounded,andpreferredtobeworshippedinbed—somethingMichaelhadnoproblemwith.Shecouldalsobeafitfiftywholikedyoga,greenjuice,andmarathonsexsessionsthatworkedhisabsbetterthanweightedinclinecrunches.Or,hisleastfavorite,shecouldbeahard-assAsiangogetterwhochosehimbecause,withhismixedVietnameseandSwedishheritage,helookedalotliketheK-dramastarDanielHenney.Thislastkindofwomaninevitablyremindedhimofhismom,andaftersleepingwiththem,heneededtherapywithapunchingbag.
Enteringthehotelrestaurant,hesearchedthedimlylittablesforabrown-haired,brown-eyedwomanwearingglasses.Becausehe’dgottenthroughhismailwithoutmajorincidentearlier,hebracedhimselffortheworstnow.Hisgazeskippedovertablesoccupiedbybusinessmenuntilhesawasolitary,middle-agedAsianwomanmicromanagingthewaitressonhowtomakehersalad.Whenshebrushedmanicurednailsthroughherlightenedbrownhair,hisstomachsankandhebeganwalkingtowardher.Itwasgoingtobealongnight.
No,thiswastheculminationofasemester’sworthofsexualtension.Theybothwantedthis.Hewantedthis.
Beforehecouldreachher,areed-thinoldermantooktheseatoppositeherandcoveredherhandwithhis.Confusedbutrelieved,Michaelsteppedbackandsurveyedtherestaurantagain.Noonewassittingalone…butforagirlinthefarcorner.
Herdarkhairwaspulledbackinatightbun,andsexylibrarian-typeglasseswerebalancedonacutelittlenose.Infact,fromwhathecouldseeofher,everythinglookedlikeithadbeenchosenfromasexylibrariancosplay.Sheworeneatpointedpumps,agraypencilskirt,andafittedwhiteoxfordshirtbuttonedclearuptoherthroat.Itwaspossibleshewasthirty,butMichaelputherattwenty-five.Therewassomethingyoungandwholesomeabouther,thoughherfrownwasratherfierceasshescrutinizedthemenu.
Michaelglancedabouttheroom,searchingforahiddencamerateamorhisfriendscrackingupbehindthepottedplants.Hefoundneitherofthosethings.
Heclosedhishandsaroundthebackofthechairacrossfromher.“Excuseme,areyouStella?”
Hereyesshottohisface,andMichaellosthistrainofthought.Thosesexylibrarianglassesshowcasedthemoststunningpairofsoftbrowneyes.Andherlips—theywerejustfullenoughtobetemptingwithoutdetractingfromheroverallairofsweetness.
“I’msorry.Imusthavethewrongperson,”hesaidwithasmilehehopedwasmoreapologeticandlessembarrassed.Therewasnowayagirllikethishadhiredanescort.
Sheblinkedandjostledthetableassheflewtoherfeet.“No,that’sme.You’reMichael.Irecognizeyoufromyourpicture.”Shestuckherhandout.“I’mStellaLane.Nicetomeetyou.”
Hestaredatheropenexpressionandprofferedhandforastunnedfractionofasecond.Thiswasn’thowclientsgreetedhim.Theyusuallywavedhimintoaseatwithaslycurloftheirlipsandasparkleintheireyes—thatsparklethatsaidtheythoughttheywerebetterthanhimbutwerelookingforwardtowhathecouldofferanyway.Shegreetedhimlikehewas…anequal.
Quicklyrecoveringfromhissurprise,hewrappedherslenderhandinhisandshookit.“MichaelPhan.Nicetomeetyou,too.”
Whenhereleasedher,shemotionedtowardhischairawkwardly.“Please,haveaseat.”
Hesatandwatchedassheperchedherselfontheprecariousedgeofherseat,herbackstraightasaboard.Shesearchedhisface,butwhenhearchedaneyebrowather,sheswitchedherfocustothemenu.Sheadjustedthepositionofherglasseswithawrinkleofhernose.
“Areyouhungry?Iam.”Herknuckleswentwhiteassheclungtothemenu.“Thesalmonisgoodhere,andthesteak.Mydadlikesthelamb—”Hergazejumpedtohisface,and,eveninthedimlight,hecouldseehercheeksgocrimson.Sheclearedherthroat.“Maybenotthelamb.”
Becausehecouldn’tresist,heasked,“Whynotthelamb?”
“Ithinkittasteswoolly,andifyou…whenwe…”Shestaredupattheceilingandtookadeepbreath.“AllI’dbethinkingaboutwouldbesheepandlambsandwool.”
“Understood,”hesaidwithagrin.
Whenshestaredathismouthlikeshecouldn’trememberwhatshewasgoingtosay,hisgrinwidened.Womenchosehimbecausetheylikedthewayhelooked.Fewofthemrespondedtohimlikethis,however.Itwasflatteringevenasitwasfunny.
“ArethereanythingsyouwouldpreferInoteatordrink?”sheasked.
“No,I’mprettyeasy.”Hekepthisvoicelightandtriedtoignorethetightnessinhischest.Ithadtobeheartburn.Simplethoughtfulnesswasn’tdoingthistohim.
Afterthewaitresstooktheirorderandleft,Stellasippedfromherwaterglassanddrewgeometricalshapesinthecondensationwithdelicatefingertips.Whenshenoticedhimwatchingher,shedrewherhandbackandsatonit,flushinglikeshe’dbeencaughtdoingsomethingsheshouldn’t.
Somethingaboutthatwaskindofendearing.Ifshehadn’talreadypaid,hewouldn’tbelievesheactuallywantedthis.Whydidshewantthis?Sheshouldhaveaboyfriend…orahusband.Againsthisbetterjudgment—itwasbestwhenhedidn’tknow—helookedatherlefthandrestingonthetable.Noring.Nowhiteline.
“Ihaveapropositionforyou,”shesaidsuddenly,pinninghimwithagazethatwassurprisinglydirect.“Itwouldrequireacommitmentofsorts—forthenextcouplemonths,Iimagine.Iwould…prefer…tohavesoleaccesstoyouduringthattime.Ifyou’reavailable.”
“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”
“Pleasetellmeifyou’reavailablefirst.”
“IonlydoFridaynights.”Thatwasnon-negotiable.Escortingonceaweekwasbadenough.Ifhehadtodoitmorethanthat,he’dlosehisfuckingmind,andhecouldn’taffordforthattohappen.Toomanypeopledependedonhim.
Heneverscheduledrepeatappointmentswiththesameclient,either.Theytendedtogetattached,andhecouldn’tstandthat.Buthewantedtohearwhatshewasproposingbeforehedeclined.
“Youhavethenextfewmonthsopen,then?”sheasked.
“Itdependsonwhatyou’reproposing.”
Shepushedherglassesuphernoseanddrewhershouldersback.“I’mawfulat…whatyoudo.ButIwanttogetbetter.IthinkIcangetbetterifsomeonewouldteachme.I’dlikethatpersontobeyou.”
UnderstandingsplashedoverMichaelinsurrealwaves.Shethoughtshewasbad.Atsex.Andwantedlessonstoimprove.Shewantedhimtotutorher.
Howthehelldidyouteachsex?
“Ithinkweshoulddoatrialrunbeforewesetanythingup,”Michaelhedged.Shecouldn’tactuallybebadatsex,andshe’dalreadypaid.Attheveryleast,hehadtogivehertonight.
Frowning,shenodded.“You’reabsolutelyright.Weshouldestablishabaseline.”
Agrintuggedathislipsagain.“Areyouascientist,Stella?”
“Oh,no.I’maneconomist.Moreprecisely,I’maneconometrician.”
InMichael’sbook,thatputhersolidlyinthebrainiaccategory,andanoddfeelingghostedupthebackofhisneck.Damnedifhedidn’thaveathingforsmartgirls.TherewasareasonwhyhisfavoritefantasywasHotforTeacher.“Idon’tknowwhatthatis.”
“Iusestatisticsandcalculustomodeleconomicsystems.Doyouknowhowwhenyoubuysomethingonlinetheyusuallyemailyouwithfuturerecommendations?Ihelpthemformulatethoserecommendations.It’saveryfluidandfascinatingfieldrightnow.”Asshespoke,sheleanedtowardhim,andhereyeslitwithexcitement.Herlipscurvedlikeshewastellinghimasecret.Aboutmaththings.“Today’smaterialiscompletelydifferentfromwhatIusedtoteachwhenIwasingraduateschool.”
ThatoddfeelingsimmeringupMichael’sspineincreasedinintensity.She’dsomehowgottenprettierduringthecourseoftheirdiscussion.Browneyesandthicklashes,poutylips,delicatejaw,vulnerableneck.Vividimagesofhimunfasteningthebuttonsofhershirtflashedinhismind.
Butunliketheusual,hedidn’twanttodoitquickly.Hedidn’twanttoskipstraighttothefucking,getout,andgohome.Thisgirlwasdifferent.Itwasthatsparkinhereyes.Hewantedtotakehistimeandseeifhecouldmakehershinewithadifferentkindofexcitement.Hiscockdugattheflyofhisjeans,draggingMichaelbacktothehereandnow.
Hisskinhadgonehotandsensitive,andhispulsethrummedwitheagerness.Hehadn’tbeenthisturnedoninforever.Andhehadn’tbeenfantasizingshewassomeoneelse.Heremindedhimselfthiswasbusiness.Hispersonalwantsandneedsdidn’tplayintothisatall.Thisassignmentwasjustlikeanyother,andwhenitwasdone,he’dmoveontothenext.
Hetookadeepbreathandsaidthefirstthinghecouldthinkof.“Wereyouonthemathteaminhighschool?”
Shelaugheddownatherwater.“No.”
“Scienceclub?Maybeitwaschessclub.”
“No,andno.”Hersmilewasasad,barelytherethingthatmadehimwonderwhathighschoolhadbeenlikeforher.Lookingbackupathim,shesaid,“Letmeguess,footballquarterback.”
“Nope.Mydadwasafirmbelieverthatsportsarestupid.”
Herbrowwrinkledwithalittlefrown.“Ifindthatdifficulttobelieve.You’revery…athletic-looking.”
“Heonlyencouragedpracticalthings.Likeself-defense.”Hehatedtoagreewithhisdadonanything,butwiththefamilybusinessbeingwhatitwas,andhishelpingoutwithit,thetechniqueshadcomeinhandywhenshitkidsteasedhim.
Adiscoveringkindofsmilelitherface.“Whatdoyoudo?MMA?Kungfu?JeetKuneDo?”
“I’vedonealittleofeverything.Whydoyousoundlikeyouactuallyknowwhatyou’retalkingabout?”
Hergazedroppedbackdowntoherwater.“Ilikemartialartsmoviesandthingslikethat.”
Hegroanedassuspiciondawned.“Don’ttellme…you’reaKoreandramafan?”
Shetiltedherheadasasmilepeekedoverherlips.“Yes.”
“IdonotlooklikeDanielHenney.”
“No,youlookbetter.”
Hesettledhishandsontheedgeofthetableashisfaceheated.Fuck,hewasblushing.Whatthehellkindofescortblushed?HissistershadpostersofHenneyplasteredallovertheirbedroomwalls,hadevenestablishedaman-beautyscaleofonetoHenney.They’dagreedamongthemselvesthatMichaelwasasolideight.Hedidn’tgiveadamnwhere
Theirdinnerarrived,savinghimfromhavingtorespondtohercompliment.She’dorderedthesalmon,sohe’ddonethesame.Nowaywashegoingtoeatlamb.Hesnortedtohimself.Woolly.
Hisfishwasgood,soheateallofit.Hesuspectedeverythingwasgoodhere.TheClementwasoneofPaloAlto’smostexclusivehotelswithroomsgoingformorethanathousanddollarsanight.Apparently,econometriciansmadeshitloadsofmoney.
AshewatchedStellapickatherdinner,however,henoticedthateverythingaboutherwasunderstated.Herfacewasdevoidofmakeup,hernailswereshortandunpainted,andherclothesweresimple—thoughtheyfitherperfectly.Theyhadtobecustommade.
Whenshesetherforkdownandwipedhermouth,hersalmonwasonlyhalffinished.Ifthey’dknowneachotherbetter,hewouldhaveeatenitforher.Hisgrandmaalwaysmadehimfinishhisdinnerdowntothelastgrainofrice.
“Isthatallyou’regoingtoeat?”
“I’mnervous,”sheadmitted.
“Youdon’tneedtobe.”Hewasadamnedgoodescort,andhe’dtakecareofher.Unlikemostofhisassignments,heevenlookedforwardtoit.
“Iknow.Ican’thelpit.Couldwejustgetthisoverwith?”
Hiseyebrowstwitched.He’dneverheardsomeonesaysomethinglikethatinreferencetoanightwithhim.Changinghermind-setwasgoingtobefun.
“Allright.”Hedrapedhisnapkinoverhisemptydinnerplateandgottohisfeet.“Let’sgotoyourroom.”{CHAP+ER}
3
AfterStellaunlockedthedoor,shesteppedintoherintimatelylitsuite,setherpurseonthechairbythedoor,andarrangedherhighheelsagainstthewall,almostsighingasherbarefeetflattenedonthecarpet.
Michaelsentheranamusedlook,andshestareddownathertoes.She’dtakenhershoesoffonautopilot.Itwasoneofherroutines.Wasitrudetodothatwhenyouhadcompany?Maybesheshouldputthembackon.Herstomachknotted,andherheartracedatrabbitspeed.
Hetookthedecisionoutofherhandsbykickingoffhisownblackleathershoesandpositioningthemnexttohers.Whenhefinished,heshruggedoutofhissuitjacketandtosseditonthechairnexttoherpurse,revealingthesimplewhiteT-shirtunderneath.Itstretchedoverhischestandupperarms,andhisjeansrodelowonnarrowhips.Stellacouldn’thelpbutstare.
Hisbodywasrawsculptedmuscleandloose-limbedcoordination.Hewasbyfarthefinestmalespecimenshe’deverlaideyeson.
Andtheyweregoingtohavesextonight
Shetookadesperatebreathandmarchedintothebathroom,whereshebracedherhandsonthecoolgraniteandstaredatherreflectioninthemirror.Hereyeswereopenafractiontoowide,andherfacewaspaperpale,herlipsdry.Shedidn’tthinkshecouldgothroughwiththis.Sheshouldn’thavepickedsuchagood-lookingescort.Whathadshebeenthinking?
Herlipstwistedwithagrimace.Shehadn’tbeenthinking.Afterperusingtheescortfilesforhours,siftingthroughcountlessfacesanddescriptionsthathadblurredtogether,she’dtakenonelookatMichaelandknownhewastheone.It’dbeenhiseyes.Darkbrownwithslashingeyebrowsabove,theylookedintense…butkind.Allofhisfive-starreviewshadonlycementedherdecision.LookinglikethehottestK-dramastareverdidn’thurt,either.Well,exceptfornow,thatwas.Therewasagoodchanceshemightthrowupherdinnerintothesink.
Throughthemirror,shesawhimstepintothedoorwayandleanagainstthejamb.Thatmotionalonewassosexy,shefeltherhearttrip,stumble,andscrambletocontinuebeating.Hewalkedintothebathroomandstoppedbehindher,hiseyeslockedonhersinthemirror.Whenshewasn’twearingherheels,hewasmorethanhalfafoottallerthanher.Shewasn’tsureifshelikedfeelingthissmall.
“CanItakeyourhairdown?”heasked
Shenoddedonce.Withinseconds,thetensiononherscalpreleased,andherhairtumbledfree.Herblackhairbandlandedonthecountertopbeforeheeasedhisfingersintoherhair,separatingthetendrilssotheyfelltohershouldersanddownherback.Shevibratedwithtensionasshewaitedforhimtoinitiateintimacyandsendherbodyintonervouslockdown.Itwasgoingtohappen,andthenhe’dseewhathewasworkingwith.
Ablackimperfectiononhisbicepcaughthereye,andsheturnedaroundtoinspectitcloser.Sheliftedahandtotouchitbutstoppedbeforemakingcontact.Shenevertouchedpeoplewithoutpermission.“Whatisthis?”
Hislipscurvedwithaslow,crookedgrin,showingoffperfectwhiteteeth.“Mytattoo.”
Herthroatworkedonaninvoluntaryswallow,andawaveofheatsweptoverher.She’dneverseenthepointoftattoos.Untilnow.Michaelwithatattoowasjustaboutthehottestthingshecouldimagine.
Herfingersitchedtopullhissleeveupfarther,andshewaveredoverhisarmuntilhecaughtherhandinhisandpressedittohisskin.Anelectricjoltshotfromherfingertipsstraighttoherheart.Helookedsoperfect,likecarvedstone,buthisskinwassmoothandhot,firmbutgiving,alive
“Youcantouchme,”hesaid.“Anywhere.”
Evenastheinvitationthrilledher,itgaveherpause.Touchingwassuchaprivatething.Shedidn’tunderstandhowhewasabletodoitsowellwithpeoplehedidn’tknow.
“Areyousureyou’reokaywiththis?”sheasked.
Thatcrookedgrinreturnedinfullforce.“Ilikebeingtouched.”
Whenshecontinuedtohesitate,hedrewhissleeveuphimself,exposingblackinkmarksthatsweptacrosshisupperarm,overhisshoulder,anddisappearedbeneathhisT-shirt.Thetattoohadtobequitelargebecausetheshapehadn’tevenbeguntomaterialize.Justhowmuchofhimdiditcover?
Theswellofhismusclesdistractedherfromfurtherinvestigating.She’dnevertouchedhardroundedfleshlikethisbefore.Shewantedtotouchhimallover.Andhisscent.Howwasitshewasjustnoticingitnow?
“Areyouwearingcologne?”sheaskedasshefilledherlungs.
Hestiffened.“No,why?”
Sheleanedascloseasshecouldwithoutburyingherfaceagainsthisneck,seekingoutmoreofthatintoxicatingscent.“Yousmellreally,reallygood.Whatisit?”
Wherewasthatscentcomingfrom?Itseemedtobeeverywhereonhim,buttoolight.Shecravedamoreconcentrateddose.
“Michael?”
Afunnylookcrossedhisface.“It’sjustme,Stella.”
“Yousmellthisgood?”
“Apparently.You’rethefirsttocommentonit.”
“Iwantthissmellalloverme.”Asthewordslefthermouth,sheworriedshe’dsaidthewrongthing.Thatstatementhadsoundedalittletoopersonal,alittlestrange.Wouldhenoticehowstrangeshereallywas?
Hebentdownsohislipshoveredahairsbreadthawayfromherearandwhispered,“Areyousureyou’rebadatsex?”
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”
“Itmeanssofaryou’reverygoodatit.”
Herfingersflexedonhisarm,andshebattledtheurgetopressherselfagainsthimlikeastripperonapole.Itbewilderedher.Shewasnotatallstripperish,andunlikehim,sheactivelydislikedtouching.Butshecravedconnectionsomuchshehurtwithit.“Sofarwehaven’tdoneanythingyet.”
“You’reverygoodatthetalkingpart.”
“I’vehadsex.Thereisn’tatalkingpart.”
Asparkdancedinhiseyes.“There’sdefinitelyatalkingpart.”
Please,don’tlettherebeatalkingpart.Therewasnohopeforherifitinvolvedtalking.“Sofar—”
Hegatheredherhairtoonesideandbrushedafleetingkissbehindherear.Ithappenedsoquicklythatbythetimeherbodytenseduphe’dalreadypulledaway.Whenhedidn’tmovetorepeatthecaress,hermusclesrelaxedonceagain.Theplacewherehe’dkissedherburnedwithawareness.
Withouttouchingherskin,hestrokedhisfingersoverherhair.Slow,measuredmovementsthatsweptfromhercrown,pastherneck,anddownherback.Themotionscalmedherevenastheyputheronedge.
“Ithinkyoushouldkissme,”hesaidinahuskyvoice.
Herheartsqueezedtight,andherskinprickedwithpanic.Shewasahorriblekisser.Herawkwardattemptsweresuretoembarrassthemboth.“Onthemouth?”
Thecornerofsaidmouthkickedup.“Whereveryouwantto.Themouthisusuallyagoodplacetostart.”
“MaybeIshouldbrushmyteeth.Icandothatright—”
Hepressedathumbtoherlips,silencingher,buthiseyesweregentle.Thattouch,too,wasgonebeforeitfullyregisteredinherbrain.“Let’strythisanotherway.Doyouwanttoseemytattoo?”
Hermindeagerlyswitchedgears,jumpingfromfearstraighttoexcitement.“Yes.”
Withasmallsmilethatwashalfamusementandhalfself-deprecating,hepulledhiswhiteT-shirtoverhisheadandtosseditonthecounter.
Stella’smouthwentlaxasshefilledhereyeswithhim.Adragon’shead,itsmouthopeninmidroar,coveredtheentirelefthalfofhiswide,sculptedchest.Theinkonhisshoulderandarmformedoneofthecreature’sclaws.Theintricatescalesofitsbodyworkeddiagonallyacrosshisabsanddisappearedinsidehisjeans.
“It’salloveryou,”shecommented.
“Itis.Here…”Hecapturedherrighthandandpressedittotheinkoverhisheart.“Feelit.”
“Youdon’tmind?”Whenheshookhishead,shebitherlipandtentativelysettledherlefthandonhischestaswell.
Hertouchwastimidatfirst,butwhenhedidn’tobject,shegrewbolder.Shepushedherhandsacrosshisfirmchest,enjoyingtheridgesofdefinedmuscleandthesmoothnessofhishairlessskin.Tactilely,shecouldn’tdiscernadifferencebetweenhisinkedskinandhisunmarkedskinFascinating.
Herfingertipsbumpeddownhisabdomen,andshecountedunderherbreath,“—Five.Six.Seven.Eight.”Herfingersmetthewaistbandofhisjeans,andhisstomachmusclesflexedandrippledashetookabreath.
“Youcouldn’thavearegularsix-pack?Youhadtomakeiteight?”
Herolledhiseyesashislipscurved.“Areyoucomplaining,Stella?”
“Nothingtocomplainabout.IhadnoideaIlikedtattoosuntilnow.”
“Soyoulikeit?”
Shethoughtthatshouldbeobvious,soshedidn’tanswer.Besides,itwasgettingdifficulttoconcentrate.Thesightofhisperfectathlete’sbodyandhisexcessivetattoo,thefeelofhishotskin,andhisdeliciousscentoverwhelmedhersenses.
“CanItakeyourglassesoff?Willyoustillbeabletoseewithoutthem?”
Sheswallowedandnodded.“I’mnearsighted,soIwon’tbeabletoseethingsfaraway,butthat’sallrightbecause—”
Heslippedherglassesoff.Asoftclinkingsoundedashesetthemonthecounterbehindher.Thehotelsuiteandeverythingaroundherbecameasoftblur.Onlyhestoodoutinsharpfocus.Thesolidfeelofhimagainstherpalmsgroundedher.
“Itmightbeeasiertokissmeifyouwrapyourarmsaroundmyneck,”hesuggested.
Herfingerstwitchedasshedraggedthemacrossthedecadentexpanseofhisstomachandoverhishardchest.Afterloopingherarmsstifflyaroundhisneck,shesaid,“Done.”
“Closer.”
Sheinchedforward.
“More.”
Sheinchedforwardagain,stoppingbeforetheirbodiescouldcomeflushtogether.
“Stella,closer.”
Understandingbrokeoverher,andshesettledherselfagainsthim.Theyweretouchingalmosteverywhere.Onlythethinlayersofherclothesseparatedthem.Hernervesjangled,andpanicthreatened,buthedidn’trushher.Hestoodstill,watchingherwithhispatient,kindeyes.Againstallodds,sherelaxed.
“Areyoustillwithme?”heasked.
Comingupontohertiptoes,shealignedtheirbodiesuntiltheyfit…justright.Herheartcrashedinacrazyrhythmagainsthersternum,butshewasstillincontrolofherself—because,cleverpersonthathewas,he’dgivenherthatcontrol.“I’mokay.”
Whenheclosedhisarmscarefullyaroundher,hisheatsankthroughhershirtandwarmedherskin.Thepressureofhisundemandingembracereacheddeepinsideher,calmingherandlooseningknotsshehadn’tknownwerethere.Maybeshewasbetterthanokay.
Shewouldgladlypayhisescortingfeeagainjustforhimtoholdherlikethis.Thiswasheavenly.Sheburrowedherfaceintohisneckandbreathedhimin.Sheskatedherhandsoverhisbareskinasshetriedtonestleclosertohim.Ifhecouldholdheralittletighter
Somethinghardproddedherbelly,andshedrewherheadback.
“Youcanignorethat,”hesaid.
“Wehaven’tkissedoranything.Howcanyou…?”
Hoodedeyessearchedhersasheloweredahandfrombetweenhershoulderbladestothesmallofherback.Theheatofhispalmpenetratedherclothes,andallthefinehairsonherbodystoodup.“Thisgoestwoways,Stella.Youlikethefeelofme.Ilikethefeelofyou.”
Thatwasanovelconcepttoher.Intimacyalmostalwayswasaone-waythingwithher.Themenenjoyedit—sortof.Shedidnot.
Shewasenjoyingthis,however.Itmadeherfeelbraveandreckless.
Hergazelockedonhislipsagain,andherbloodracedwithsomethingnew:anticipation.“Willyoushowmehowtobeagoodkisser?”
“I’mnotcertainyouaren’tonealready.”
“I’mreallynot.”
Hismouthwasinchesaway,butshecouldn’tquitepushherselftokissit—eventhoughshewantedto.She’dneverinitiatedakissbefore.Inthepast,themenhadjustkindof…fallenonher.
“CanItellyouwheretokissme?”shewhispered.
Asmileslowlystretchedhislips.“Yes.”
“M-mytemple.”
Hisbreathfannedoverherear,sendinggoosebumpsdownherneck,beforehepressedakisstoherlefttemple.“Nowwhere?”Thewordswerespokensoftlyagainstherskin,eachoneacaress.
“Mycheek.”
Thetipofhisnosegrazedherskinashemovedlower.Hekissedthehollowbeneathhercheekbone.“Now?”heaskedwithoutliftinghislips.
Soclose.Shecouldhardlybreathe.“Thecornerofmym-mouth.”
“Areyousure?That’sveryclosetobeingarealkiss.”
Impulsiveimpatiencesearedthroughher,andshesankherfingersintohishair,heldhiminplace,andpressedaclosed-mouthkisstohislips.Boltsofsensationzigzaggedstraighttoherchest.Afterasurprisedhesitation,shediditagain,andhetookthelead,showingherhowitwasdone,drawingthekissesout.
Thiswaskissing.Kissingwasglorious.
Whenhistongueslippedbetweenherlips,shewentstock-still.Notgloriousanymore.Histongue.Wasin.Hermouth.Shecouldn’tstopherselffrompullingaway.“Isthatabsolutelynecessary?”
Heexhaledsharply,andhisbrowcreasedinpuzzlement.“Youdon’tlikeFrenchkissing?”
“Itmakesmefeellikeasharkgettingitsteethcleanedbypilotfish.”Itwasweirdandfartoopersonal.
Hiseyesdanced,andthoughhebithislip,shecouldseeagrinpeekingaroundtheedgesofhismouth.
“Areyoulaughingatme?”Hotshameburnedherface.Sheduckedherheadandtriedtobackup,butthebathroomcounterdugintoherspine.
Thepressureofhisfingertipsonherchinmadeherfacehimagain,leadinghertobelievehewantedeyecontact.Therewererulesforthatwhichshe’dhadtolearn.Threesecondscountedslowlyinyourhead.Lessandpeoplethoughtyouwerehidingsomething.Longerandyoumadethemuncomfortable.She’dgottenpassablygoodatit.Now,however,shecouldn’tbringherselftodoit.Shedidn’twanttoseewhathethoughtofher.Sheshuthereyes.
“Iwaslaughingatyouranalogy.You’reveryfunny.”
“Oh.”Shehazardedaglanceathisfaceandfoundsinceritythere.Peoplesaidthattohersometimes,andsheneverunderstoodit.Shedidn’tknowhowtobefunny.Itonlyeverhappenedbyaccident.
“Insteadofthinkingofsharksatthedentist,thinkofmecaressingyourmouth.Concentrateonhowitfeels.Willyouletmeshowyou?”
Shenoddedonce.Thatwaswhytheywerehere,afterall.
Hebenttowardhermouthonceagain,andshefistedherhandsagainsthischestandbracedherself.Insteadofpushinghistonguebetweenherlips,hekissedherlikehehadbefore,moredruggingclosed-mouthkisses.Theseshecoulddo.Thesesheliked.Theyraineduponhermouthinanunhurriedprocession.Someofherstressdrainedaway,andherfingersuncurled.
Wetheatstrokedoverherbottomlip.Histongue.Sheknewitwashistongue,butclosed-mouthkissesmadeherforget.Anotherstroke,andshiverysensationscascadedoutward.Morekisses.Inbetweenachingpressesofhislips,histonguecaressedher,makingherskintingle.
Soonhewasseducinghermouth,strokingherbottomlip,thetoplip,teasingthecrease.Maybeshepartedherlips.Maybeshewantedhimtogofurther.Buthedidn’t.Theclosed-mouthkissesshe’dlikedsomuchinthebeginningwerenolongerenough.Shetriedtocapturehistongue,totakeitintoherself,butheevadedher.Hebrushedatherlipswithmaddeningstrokes,dippedinsideforthemerestsecond,withdrew,andshekneadedhisshouldersinfrustration.
Overandoveragain,hegaveherabrieftasteofsaltandheat,andthenretreated.Withoutconsciouslydecidingtodoit,shesealedhermouthwithhisandtouchedhertonguetohis.Histastefloodedhersenses.Butterfliesexplodedinherstomachandspedthroughherveins.Herlegswentweak,buthisarmstightenedaroundher,keepingherfromfalling.
Hesuckedonherbottomlipandlavedthesensitizedskinbeforetakinghermouthagain.Theroombeganspinning,andsherealizedshe’dforgottentobreathe.
Comingupforair,shesaid,“OhmyGod,youtastegood.”
Foramoment,hestaredathermouthlikeshe’dtakensomethingthathewantedback.Heblinkedtheexpressionaway,andagravellychuckleescapedkiss-reddenedlipsshewantedtotouchwithherfingertips.“Doyoualwayssayexactlywhatyou’rethinking?”
“EitherthatorIdon’ttalk.”Nomatterhowshetried,shecouldn’tovercomeit.Herbrainsimplywasn’twiredforsocialsophistication.
“Ilikehearingwhatyou’rethinking.EspeciallywhenI’mkissingyou.”Butinsteadofkissingheragain,hesteppedawayandtuggedonherhand.“Comeon.Idon’twanttobruiseyouonthiscounter.”
Thatwaswhenshenoticedthehardgranitepressingintoherback.Asshelethimleadherfromthebathroom,sheglancedatherhazyreflectioninthemirror.Shedidn’trecognizethatgirlwiththeflushedcheeksandwildhair,couldhardlybelieveshe’dkissedamanandenjoyedit.Wasitpossibleshe’dbeabletoconquerwhatcamenext,aswell?{CHAP+ER}
4
MichaelrubbedhislipstohideagrinasStellabalancedontheveryedgeofthebedandfoldedherhandsinherlap.Ifhekissedherrightnow,she’dfalltothefloor.Shewasthekindofgirlwhogotweakwhenshewashot.Hefuckinglovedthat.Everybitofeffortithadtakentogetpastherguardhadbeenworthit.
She’dbeenprettybefore,butlikethis,shewasalmosttoomuch.Freedfromhertightbun,herhairframedherfaceinlargeringlets.Arousalbrightenedherchocolateeyes,andherlipswereswollenfromhiskisses.Gorgeous.Healmostwishedtheyweremeetingagainaftertonight.
Insteadofsittingnexttoher,hestretchedoutnearthecenteroftheking-sizedbed,proppedhimselfuponanelbow,andpattedtheareanexttohim.Afteramomentaryhesitation,shecrawledacrossthebedandlaydownnexttohim,herbodycorpse-straightandhereyesstaringahead.Herpulsedrummedunderherjaw,andshestiffenedlikeshewasbracingherselfforanattack.
Thatwouldn’tdo.
“I’mgoingtokissyouagain.”Becausehesensedsheneededtobeforewarned,headded,“Frenchkissing.”
“Okay.”
Heleanedoverherandkissedher,startingrightbackatthebeginningwithinnocentbrushesoftheirlipsandteasinglicksbeforetakinghermouthonceagain.Shereallyhadnoideahowtokiss,butitwasentertainingfeelingherlearn.Whatshelackedinskillshemadeupforinpureenthusiasm.
Shekissedhimwithuntrainedstrokesofhertongue,followinghismouthwhenhetriedtopullbacksohecoulddimthelightsfurther.Experiencetoldhimshe’dbemuchmorecomfortablewithsexifthelightswerelow.
Hetriedtoreachfortheswitchwithoutbreakingthekiss,butsheburiedherfingersinhishair.IftherewasonethingthatdroveMichaelcrazy—asidefromBJs—itwashavingawomanplaywithhishair.Hernailsscrapedoverhisscalpwithjusttherightpressuretosendpleasureshootingdownhisspine,andheforgotaboutthelight.
Heranhishandalongthelengthofherbody,cuppedthecurveofasmallbreast.Eventhroughthelayersofhershirtandbra,hecouldfeelthefirmballofhernipple.Hewantedtopinchit,loveonit,buttherewastoomuchfabricintheway.Hekissedherharder,andshearchedintohisbody.Ifshehadn’tbeenwearingapencilskirt,hewouldhavespreadherthighs.He’dbeteverythingshewaswetforhim.
Leaningbackandpullingcoolairintohislungs,heassessedhishandiwork.Shebreathedthroughpartedredlipsthatglistened,andhereyeswerepuresex.Shewasreadyformore.
Hefingeredthebuttonathercollarandslippeditfree.
Itwaslikeflippingaswitch;thechangewasthatdramatic.Onemoment,herbodywaslooseandlanguorous.Thenext,shewastenseasastretchedrubberband.Thecolorbledfromherface.Herexpressionwentfromsensualtodownrightscared.Shedroppedherhandstohersidesandballedthemintofists.
“Stella?”
Shegulpeddownaraggedbreathandstartedunbuttoninghershirt.“I’msorry.Letmegetthem.”Withuncoordinatedfingers,sheloosedonebutton,thenanother.
Hecoveredherhandswithhistohaltherprogress.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Undressing.”
“I’mnotgoingtohavesexwithyouwhenyou’relikethis.”Itwaswrong.He’dneverhadsexwithawomanwhowasn’tonehundredpercentintoit,andhewasn’tgoingtostartnow.
Sheturnedontohersidetofaceawayfromhim,andherchestshook.Dammit,shewascrying.Heloweredhishandstowardherbeforehesitating.Wouldhistouchhelpherormakeitworse?Fuckit.Hehadtodosomething.Hecouldn’tlethercrylikethis.Tearsguttedhimlikenothingelse.Hewrappedhimselfaroundher.Whenshetriedtoshrinkaway,heheldhertighter.Whatthehell?Ithadjustbeenonebutton
“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.Whathappened?Didsomeone…hurtyou?Isthatwhyyoutenseduponme?”ThethoughtofsomeoneassaultinghersentamurderousragethroughMichael’sbrain,andadrenalinespiked,preparinghimforasuperbass-kicking.
Shedugherpalmsintohereyes.“Noonehurtme.I’mjustlikethis.Canyoupleasecontinueandestablishthebaseline?”
“Stella,you’retremblingandcrying.”Hestrokedtear-soakedtendrilsawayfromherface.
Shescrubbedatthemoistureandtookahardbreath.“Nomorecrying.”
“Othermenhadsexwithyouwhenyouwerelikethis?”Hestrovetosoundgentle,butthewordscameoutharsh.Thethoughtofsomeassholesweatingoverherwhileshewaspaleandterrifiedmadehisfistsitch.
“Three.”
“Goddamnedpiece-of-shitassho—”
Hiswordsdriedupwhensheturnedaroundtofacehimwithawoundedexpression.
“No,I’mnottalkingaboutyou.You’renottheproblem.It’sthosemen.Me.”Awrinkleformedbetweenhereyebrows,andhesmootheditoutwithafingertip.“Youneedsomeonetogoslowwithyou.”
“Youhavebeengoingslowwithme.Theothersweredonebynow.”
“Idon’twanttohearabouttheothers,”hebitout.
Shelookedawayandheldthefoldsofhershirttogether.“Whatnow?”
Michaelhadnoidea.Whateveritwas,ithadtobeultraslow.Helookedaroundthehotelsuiteforinspiration,andthelargeTVmountedonthewallacrossthebedgrabbedhisattention.“Amovieandcuddling.Wecantryforthebaselineafterward.”
Herfacebecamepained.“Idon’treallylikecuddling.”
“Youcan’tbeserious.”Allwomenweresuckersforit.Evenhelikedcuddling.Atleast,hehadbackbeforehe’dstartedescorting.Cuddlingwithclientswassomethinghetoleratedatbest,buthisinstinctstoldhimthiswassomethingsheneeded.
“Imightlikeitwithyou,Isuppose.It’syoursmell,Ithink.Yourbodywagesbiologicalwarfareonme.”
“Soyou’resayingI’myourAchilles’heel?”Hekindoflikedthesoundofthat.They’dneverseeeachotheraftertonight,butmaybeshe’drememberhim.Heknewhe’drememberher.
Insteadofsmiling,ashethoughtshewould,shesearchedhisface.Shelookedintohiseyesforasplitsecondbeforeshegotoutofbedandpaddedtothebathroom.Afterseveralmomentsinside,shereturnedwearingherglassesandholdinghisnowneatlyfoldedT-shirt.Shesetitonthenightstand,pickeduptheremote,andsatonthefaredgeofthebed,turningtheTVon.Assheflippedthroughtheviewerguide,herexpressionwascoolwithconcentration.Dressedinprofessionalbusinessattire,shecouldhavebeenataboardmeeting—butforthetangled,finger-sweptstateofherhair.“Whatdoyouwanttowatch?”
Hersuddendistanceshouldn’thavebotheredhim.Butitdid.Hewantedherbackthewayshe’dbeenbefore.“NoK-drama,please.MysistersforcemetowatchwiththemsotheycanlaughwhenIcry.”
Herreservemeltedasherlipscurved,andeverythingwasrightagain.“Doyoureally?”
“Whowouldn’t?Peopledieleftandright.Therearehugemisunderstandings.Thatsupercutepregnantheroinegothitbyacar.”
Hersmilewidened,thoughitlookedalmostshy.“Thatoneismyfavorite.Howaboutsomethingwithmoreactionandlessdrama?”ThemoviepageforIpMan,oneofthebestmartialartsflicksever,coveredthescreen.
“Youdon’thavetowatchthisjustforme.”
Sherolledhereyesandhitthepurchasebutton.
“Wait,”Michaelsaid,takingtheremotefromherandpausingthefilm.“There’sonemorething.”
“What’sthat?”
“Youneedtotakeyourclothesoff.”
???
Stellaclawedattheunbuttonedfoldsofhershirt,feelinglikethewallswereclosinginonher.
“Why?”sheasked.
“Whynot?”
Becauseshepreferredbeingdressed,neededthetightrestrictionoffabrictofeelsafe.Becauseshedidn’tlikeherbody.Becauseeverytimeshewasnakedwithaman,heendedupusinganddiscardingher.
Shewetherdrylipsandsaidthemostbasictruth:“I’mnotusedtoit.”
Also,shewasexhausted.Somanynewthingshadhappenedtonight,shefeltshell-shocked.Shedesperatelywantedtogohome,butthatwouldbepurecowardice.Shewasonamission.Onceshedecidedonsomething,shewasjustassingle-mindedashermother—andhermascot,thepugnacioushoneybadger.
Whenhisonlyresponsewastheraiseofaneyebrow,sheasked,“Doyouhonestlythinkitwillhelp?”
“Ido.”Heproppedthepillowsup,kickedthecoversdown,andmadehimselfcomfortable.HelookedsobeautifullyingbackagainstthepillowsthatforamomentStellafeltlikeshe’dwalkedintoamagazinecover.Theshadowsandlightlovedthestrikinglinesofhisface,thesharpedgesofhisman’sbody,andthedragontattoo.Itwasdifficulttobelieveshe’dmussedhishairtosuchsexyperfection,evenmoredifficulttobelievethattheplacehe’dreservednexttohimwasforher
Drawinghershouldersback,shestoodupandbroughtcoldfingerstothebuttonsofhershirt.Astheplacketscameundone,herheartrateaccelerated.Silenceroaredinherearslikejetenginespreparingfortakeoff.Afilmofsweatmadetheshirtadheretoherskin.Aftershetuggeditfreeofherskirtandpeeleditoff,sheshivered.
Shecouldfeeltheweightofhiseyesonhernewlynakedskin,andherhandsfumbledonthesidezipperofherskirt.Herfingersweresostiffittookthreeattemptsbeforethesmallmetalclaspcamefree.Theskirtpooledaroundherankles,leavingherinnothingbutasimpleflesh-tonedbraandmatchingpanties.
Eyesonthewall,shesaid,“MaybeIshouldhavegottenbetterlingerie.Minearealllikethis.”
Heclearedhisthroatbeforeasking,“They’reallthatsamecolor?”
“It’sthemostfunctionalcolor.”
Shewincedathowboringshesoundedandhazardedaglanceinhisdirection,buthedidn’tlookputoutbyherunderwearchoices.Maybesomeofhisclientspreferredgrannypanties.Thosehadadefinitetimeandplace.Atleastshewasn’twearingthoserightnow.
“Youcanleavethoseonifyouwant.I’mhereforyou,Stella.Don’tforgetyouhavethefinalsayoneverythingwe’redoing.”
Herstomachuntightenedafraction,andsheadjustedherglassesandnodded.AfterdrapingherclothesonthenightstandnexttohisfoldedT-shirt—whichshe’dspentagoodminutecovertlybreathinginlikerubbercementinsidethebathroom—shecrawledontothebedandsatnexttohim.
Heeasedanarmbehindherandpulledherclosesotheirsidescameflushtogether.“Restyourheadagainstmyshoulder.”
Onceshedidashebid,heunpausedthemovie.Theopeningcreditsrolled,anddramaticthememusicplayed.Shecouldn’tfocuseventhoughitwasDonnieYen,and,inhermind,hewasbetterthanJackieChan,ChowYunFat,andJetLiputtogether.Shewasonthevergeofhyperventilating,andhermusclesweresotense,shewasonelargeimpendingcharleyhorse.
Michaelranhishanduphersweat-mistedarmandstareddownatherwithconcernedeyes.“Areyoutoohot?DoyouwantmetoturntheACon?”
Herchestconstricted.“I’msorry.Icanshower.”
Sherockedforwardtogetup,buthestoppedher,wrappinghisarmstightlyaroundherandsettlingheroverhislap.Theirskinwastouchingeverywhere—hercheekonhischest,hisarmsaroundhershoulders,hersidetohisfront—andshewasachinglyconsciousofthedampnessofherperspiration.Hehadtothinkshewasdisgusting.Shesqueezedhereyesshutasshetoleratedtheembrace.Shedidn’tknowhowmuchmoreofthisshecouldtake.
“Relax,Stella,”hewhispered.“Idon’tmindsweat,andIlikeholdingyou.Watchthemovie.He’sabouttohavehisfirstfight.”
Heclaspedoneofherhandsinhis,interlacedtheirfingers,andheldonwithfirmpressure.
Ashepretendedtowatchthemovie—shesomehowsensedshehadhisfullattention—shestareddownattheirhands,notingthecontrastofhistannedoliveskinagainstherown.Liketherestofhim,hishandswerebeautifulworksofartwithlongfingersandstrongveinsontheirbacks.Shefrownedasherpalmregisteredthescrapeofcalluses.
Shefoundhisfreehandandopeneditup.Onelargecalluscoveredthebaseofhispalmwhilethreesmalleronesdecoratedthespacebeneathhismiddle,ring,andpinkyfingers.Shetracedherfingertipsoverthehardpatchesofskin.
“Whatarethesefrom?”Shecouldn’timaginehowescortinggavehimcalluseslikethis.
“They’reswordcalluses.”
“You’rekidding.”
Thatlopsidedgrinstretchedoverhismouth.“Kendo.Actualswordfightingisnothinglikeinthemovies,though.Don’tgettooexcited.”
“A-areyougoodatit?”
“I’mokay.It’sjustforfun.”
Shecouldn’tquiteseehimkickingasswithafacesopretty,butshehadtoadmittheideathrilledher.“Canyoudothesplits?”
“It’smysecrettalent.”
“I’dthinkswordfightingwasyoursecrettalent.”
“Ihavemany,”hesaid,runningafingertipdownthebridgeofhernosebeforelightlypinchingherchin.
“Whatarethey?”
HemerelysmiledandfixedhisgazeontheTV.“Watch.It’sgettingtothepartwherehelaysdownthesmack.”
Itwasonthetipofhertonguetoaskthequestionagain,butsheknewthatwasrude.He’dpurposelyrefrainedfromanswering.Sherealizedthensheknewalmostnothingabouthim.Before,he’dsaidheonlyscheduledFridaynights.Thatleftawholelotoftimeforanotherlife.Whatdidhedowhenhewasn’tescorting?Asidefrommartialarts.Ordidhetrainandworkoutallday,sevendaysaweek?
Maybehedidpreciselythat.Youdidn’tgetabodylikehisdoingnothing.Hecouldbeoneofthoseguyswhowokeupatdawn,swallowedfiveraweggs,andranstadiums.Itwasdefinitelyworthitifhedid—unlesshegotsalmonella.
Aspicturesofhimpunchingfrozenslabsofmeatflittedthroughherhead,sheforgotshewasmostlynaked.Herbreathingevenedout,andherbodyunwound.Thepressureofhisarmsstayedfirm,compressingandcomforting,andtheextraordinaryeventsofthedaycaughtupwithher.Hissmell,thesteadyrhythmofhisheart,andthelowvolumeofIpManspankinghisopponentslulledhertosleep.{CHAP+ER}
5
Stella’seyesshotopen,andshetookinthebrightinteriorofthehotelroom.Aftergropingatthesurfaceofthenightstand,shefoundherglasses.Thedigitalclockread9:24A.MHerheartlurched.
She’dsleptin.Sheneversleptin.
Whenshesatupinbed,theblanketsfelltoherwaist,andcoolairtouchedherbareskin.Shewaswearingyesterday’sunderclothes.Alarmsirenswailedinherheadassherealizedshe’dcompletelyskippedhernightroutine.Shehadn’tflossed,brushed,showered,andputonpajamas.Shehadstuffedadirtybodyintothesecleansheets—well,theyweredefinitelydirtysheetsnow.Goodthingshedidn’thavetosleepinthemagain.
Michaelsteppedoutofthebathroom,freshlyshoweredwithawhitetowelaroundhisleanhips.Histattoolookedparticularlysexyinthelightofday.Hegrinnedaroundhistoothbrush.“Morning.”
Sheclappedahandoverhermouth.Herbreathhadtoberancorous
Hestrodecasuallyacrosstheroomanddugthroughasmallovernightbaghemusthaveretrievedfromhiscar.Ithadn’tbeenwithhimlastnight.Asheextractedfreshclothesfromthebag,Stellawatchedthefluidbunchandplayoftheintricatemusclesonhisback,admiredthetwingroovesatthebaseofhisspine.Shewantedtotouchherfingertipstothosedents.Thenshewantedtotakethetoweloffand—
“Itstopsonmyrightthigh,”hesaid,glancingatheroverhisshoulder.
It?Whatwasit?
Blinkingfuriouslytoclearhermind,shenoticedthathistattoowrappedaroundhiship,disappearedbeneaththetowel,andpeekedoutbehindhisknee.Thedragonhadwounditselfaroundhistorsoandoneofhislegs.Sheimaginedshe’dbedoingthesamethingthroughoutthecourseoftheirarrangement—whichtheystillneededtodiscuss.
Shepartedherlipstospeak,butthechalkinessofhermouthoverwhelmedher.Shejumpedoutofbed,onlythenrememberingshewasallbutnaked,grabbedthefirstarticleofclothingshesaw—hiswhiteT-shirtfromyesterday—andsprintedtothebathroomassheyankeditoverherhead.
Onceinside,shelungedforherflossandranthethreadbetweenallofherteeth.Twice.Whennothingheinouscamefree,shebreathedasighofreliefandwentaboutbrushingatamoresedatepace.
Heenteredthebathroom,andshesteppedasidesohecouldspitintothesink,feelinghorriblyself-consciouswithtoothpastefoamingfromhermouth.Whycouldn’tshelooksexylikehimwhenshebrushedherteeth?Afterrinsingouthismouthandpattingitdrywithahandtowel,heleanedtowardherandkissedhercheek.Hesmelledofhotelsoap,mintytoothpaste,and…himself.Thatelusivescentstillclungtohim.Shesupposeditemanatedfromhispores.Luckyhim.Luckyher
Asshecontinuedbrushingherteeth,keepinghereyesawkwardlygluedtothebubblesinthesink,heleftthebathroom.Pausingmidbrush,sheheardit:therustleoffabric.Hewasgettingdressed.Thatmeanthewasnaked.Withoutaqualm,sherushedtothedoorwayandpeeredout.
Herlungsdepressedwhenshesawhimpullingcleanjeansoverhisboxers.HeyankedonatightblackT-shirtandsatdowntopullonblacksocks.Hehadtobeleavingsoon.
Shehurriedtofinishbrushingherteethandcaughthimjustashetiedhislastshoelace.
“Wehavetotalk,”shesaid.
Thelookonhisfaceashestraightenedinthechairmadeherstomachbottomout.Hewasgoingtobackout.Lastnighthadbeenafiascofilledwithpanicattacksandfearsweat,andhewantednothingtodowithhernow.Shetightenedherlipswhentheythreatenedtotremble.Ithadbeenbad,buttherehadbeengoodparts.Hadn’tthere?
She’dthoughtshehadachance.
“IhavesomethingattenIshouldn’tmiss.”Hestood,loopedthestrapofhisbagoverhisshoulder,andwalkedtoherwithaloosestride.Hiseyeswereheartbreakinglykindashelookedather.
Orwasitpity?Shehatedpity.
“Ineedyoutotellmeifwe’removingforwardwiththelessonsornot.”
Heshookhisheadwithasadsmile.“I’mafraidnot.I’msorry.”
Herheartplummeted,butshecouldn’tbringherselftoregretlastnight.He’dgottenhertokisshim—reallykisshim,notliethereandcringeashestuckhistongueinhermouth.“I’llleaveyouanotherfive-starreview.”
“Idon’tdeserveit.Ineversealedthedeal.Theagencydoesn’tissuerefunds,butI’dbehappytoreturnmyshareofthecommission.Givemeyouraccount—”
“No,norefund,”shesaidfirmly.“Thanks,butno.I’msureyouhadtoworkharderwithmethanmostofyourotherclients.”
“Notreally,no.”
Sheinterlacedherfingersandstareddownatthefloor.Shedidnotwanttoaskthis,butshehadto.“Iknowyouneedtogo,butfirst,couldyou…recommend…acolleaguewhoyouthinkwouldworkwellwithme?”
“Afterlastnight,youstillwanttogoforwardwiththesecrazylessons?”
“They’renotcrazy,butyes,Iplantomoveforward.”Sheforcedhereyesuptohisstonyfaceandtookadeterminedbreath.“Maybeifyouthinkaboutitawhile,you’llremembersomeonewho’s…patient,likeyou,a-anddoesn’tmindsweator—”
Hetookahalfsteptowardher,andhisjawworkedforamomentbeforehesaid,“Girlslikeyoudon’tneedescorts.Girlslikeyouhaveboyfriends.Youneedtogetthisideaoutofyourhead.”
Burningangerpulsedthroughherbody,immobilizingher.Hedidn’tknowanythingaboutgirlslikeher.“That’scompletelyuntrue.Girlslikemeintimidateboyfriendsaway.Girlslikemehaveneverbeenaskedoutbyasingleboy.Girlslikemehavetofindtheirownway,maketheirownluck.I’vehadtofightforeverysuccessinmylife,andI’mgoingtofightforthis.I’mgoingtogetgoodatsex,andthenI’llfinallybeabletoenticetherightpersonintobeingmine.”
“Stella,itdoesn’tworkthatway.Youdon’tneedtheselessons.”
“Idon’tagreewithyou.Please,thinkaboutit?Itrustyourjudgment.”Sherushedtoherpurse,extractedabusinesscard,andscrawledhercellnumberontheback.Placingitinhishand,shesaid,“I’dreallyappreciateit.Thankyou.”
Hestuffedthecardintohisbackpocketwithahardjabofhishand.“WhatwillyoudoifIdon’tgiveyouaname?”
Sheshrugged.“Myselectionprocesswasprettygoodthefirsttimearound.I’lljustgothroughtheescortlistingsagain.”
“Doyouknowhowmanycrackjobsthereareinthere?It’snotsafe.”Heliftedahandlikehewantedtotouchherbutfistedandwithdrewitinstead.
“Areyousayingyouragency’sguaranteeofsafetyismeaningless?”
Hegrowledinfrustrationandrakedhisfingersthroughhisdamphair,makingitstandonend.“There’savettingprocesswithpsychevalsandbackgroundchecks,butpeoplecanslipthroughthecracks.Idon’twantyoutogethurt.”
Stellatippedherchinup.“I’mnotstupid.IhaveaTaser.”
“Youhavewhat?”
ShesnatchedthepinkC2Taserfromherpurseandhandeditover.
“Holyhell,doyouevenknowhowtouseit?”Hestaredatitwitheyessoroundedshewouldhavelaughedifthesituationhadbeenanydifferent.
“Youslidethesafetyback,aim,andhitthebutton.It’sverysimple.”
“Wouldyouhaveuseditonme?”
“Ididn’t,soclearlytheanswerisno.”
Whenherotateditandstaredatitinhorrifiedfascination,shegrabbeditfromhim.“Neveraimitatyourself.”Afterploppingitinherpurse,shecrossedherarmsandsaid,“Asyoucansee,Ihavethesituationundercontrol,butIappreciateyourconcern.”
Thethoughtofperusingtheescortadsagainmadehergrindherteeth.Noneofthosemeninterestedheranymore.Oncehermindwasmadeup,itwasmadeup.TheonlyoneshewantedwasMichael,butshe’dbotchedthingssobadlyhecouldn’tstandtoseeheragain.Howwasshesupposedtogetbetterifherproblemkeptdrivingawaythepeoplewhocouldhelpher?
Herbitternessmusthaveshownbecausehisexpressionsoftened.“Stella,Idon’tdorepeatsessions.Otherwise,I’dtakeyouuponyouroffer.”
“Why?”sheaskedonafrustratedexhalation.
“Iusedtodoitinthepast.Aclientgotattached,andthingsblewoutofcontrol.Thesingle-sessionpolicyhassavedmeandmyclientsalotofgrief.”
“Youmeanyouknewaheadoftimeyouweren’tgoingtoaccept?”Blacknessthreatenedtospilloverandstainherinsides.She’dthoughthewasapotentialsolutiontoherproblem.Now,itlookedlikeithadbeennothingbutaone-nightstandfromthestart.
Henoddedcurtly.
“Whydidyoustaylastnight,then?IwasupfrontwithyouaboutwhatIwanted.Allofthek-kissingandtouching,myclothes,Ididthatfornothing.”Herthroatswelledsomuchthatneartheend,shecouldbarelyforcethewordsout.
Shepressedhotpalmstoherforehead,tryingtodealwiththisbetrayedfeeling.Thepainandshameweresounexpected,shehadtroublebreathing.Whyhadhemadeherdothosethings?Haditbeenagame?Hadhethoughtitwasfunny?
Howcomesheneverunderstoodpeople?
“Ihonestlydidn’tbelieveyou,”hesaid.“Atmost,Ithoughtyouhadaconfidenceproblemthatwouldgoawayafterweweretogether.Besides,youpaidinadvance.Iwantedyoutogetyourmoney’sworth.”
“Youwantedtoshowmeagoodtime.”
“Well…yeah.That’swhypeoplehireme.”
“Butthat’snotwhyIhiredyou.”Sherubbedthebridgeofhernoseandrightedherglasses,suddenlyhollowedoutandexhausted.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Youshouldgetgoing,oryou’llbelate.”
Asiffromadistance,shewasawareofherfeetbringinghertothedoorandherpalmgrippingthehandle,pullingitopen.
Hetookabreathasifhemeanttospeakbutendedupshuttinghismouthbeforehecouldsayanything.Hesweptpastherandpausedontheothersideofthedoorway,consideringher.“I’msorrytoleavewiththingslikethis.Besafe,okay?”
Shelookedawayfromhimandnodded.
“Good-bye,Stella.”
Hepaddeddownthehall,andsheshutthedoor.Thelocksengagedwithafinalclick.
Sheshouldshower.She’dbasicallysleptinhersweatlastnight.Butwhenshetouchedherclothes,sherealizedshewaswearingMichael’sshirt.Shepressedhercheektohershoulderandinhaledhisscent.Aftersniffingherarmsandhair,shediscovereditwasalloverher.
Whatdidshedonow?
Herbodyitchedwiththeneedtowash,butifsheshowered,thatprecioussmellwouldbegone.Andtherewasn’tevergoingtobeanymoreofit.Thiswasit.
Shesanktothefloorandhuggedherkneestoherchesttokeepthelonelinessatbay.Sheachedsobadlytobehelditfeltlikeasicknesshadinvadedhermusclesandbones.Asusual,herownarmsprovidedlittlecomfort.She’dgiveherselffiveminutes,andthenshe’dgetreadyforwork.ItwasonlySaturdaymorning,andshe’dalreadyhadmoreweekendthanshecouldhandle.Ifshedidn’tfindawaytooccupyhermind,she’dspiralintosomethingdarkandbleak—wasalreadyspiraling.
Threequickknocksrappedonthedoor,andshestoodupmechanically.Itwasprobablyhousecleaning,checkingtoseeifshe’dleftyet.
Sheopenedthedoor,andMichaelstaredbackatherwithanintensegaze.Hischestlaboredlikehe’dsprintedtheentirewaybackfromhiscar.
“Threesessions.That’sthemostI’lldo,”hesaid.
Ittookheramomenttounderstandthatbysessionshemeantlessons,butwhenshedid,herheartsprintedsofastherfingerswentnumb.Hewasgoingtohelpher.Couldthreelessonspossiblybeenoughtoperfectsex?Therewassomuchshehadtolearn,somuchshewasbadat,butwhatchoicedidshehave?Maybeiftheyplannedeverythingoutverycarefully…
Withherlimbsfrozeninshock,allshecouldmanagetosaywas,“Okay.”
Heconsideredher,themusclesofhisjawtaut.“Ifwedothisthing,youhavetopromisenottogocrazywhenitends.”
“Icanpromisethat,”shesaidthroughtheroaringinherears.
“Imeanit.Nostalking,nocalling,nooutrageousgifts.Noneofthat.”Hisfingersweretightaroundthestrapofhisbagasheawaitedherresponse,andhisexpressionwasdeadserious.
“Okay.”
Heunloopedthebagfromhisshouldersandletitfalltothegroundbeforehesteppedtowardher,notstoppinguntilherbackwaspressedagainsttheopendoor.Heflattenedahandonthedoornexttoherfaceandleaneddown.Hisgazedroppedfromhereyestoherlips.“I’mgoingtokissyounow.”
“Okay.”He’dshakenherbrainintomalfunctioning,andapparentlythatwasallshecouldsaynow.
Hetouchedhislipstohers,andpleasurejoltedtoherheart,downherarms,downherlegs.Tiltinghishead,hekissedherdeeper.Once.Twice.Again.Untilshesighedandleanedintohim,tangledherfingersinhiscoolhair.Heclaimedhermouthwithhistongueinawaythatwasnewandfamiliaratonce.Shekissedhimbackwitheverythinginher,tryingtotellhimallthethingsshewasn’tarticulateenoughtosay.
“God,Stella,”heraspedagainstherlips,hisdarkeyesdazedandheavy-lidded.“Youlearnedthatfast.”
Beforeshecouldrespond,hetookhermouthagain.Sheforgotaboutthetime,forgotaboutwork,evenforgotaboutheranxiety.Hislargebodyrubbedagainsthers,andshearchedintohim,revelinginhiscloseness.
Herphonebuzzedwithhermother’sringtone.
Michaeltoreawayatonce,flushedandbreathingheavily.Hesuckedhisbottomlipintohismouthashestareddeepintohereyes,lookinglikehewastwosecondsawayfromkissingheragain.
“Ishouldgetthat.”Sheslippedinside,satontheedgeofthebed,andpressedthetalkbuttononherphonewithashakythumb.“Hello?”
“Stelladear,yourfather’s—oh,holdonasecond.”Herfather’sdeepvoicerumbledontheotherend,andStellaheldthephoneawayfromherearasherparentsdiscussedgolfandlunchplans
Michaelapproachedherwithafluid-limbedgait.“Ineedtogo,butwe’reonfornextFriday.”
“NextFriday,”sheconfirmedwithanod.
Insteadofleavingimmediatelyassheexpected,heleaneddownandbrushedafleetingkisstohermouth.“Good-bye,Stella.”
Shewatchedhisdepartureinadazedstate.Theyweremeetingagain.Inaweek
“Whowasthat?”Evenwiththephoneseveralinchesfromherear,Stellacouldhearhermother’ssurprise.
“Thatwas…Michael.”Abreathlesskindofnervousnessfilledher.Shemightlikeitthathermotherhaddiscoveredhermalevisitor.
Abriefsilenceensued,followedby,“Stelladear,didyouspendthenightwithaman?”
“It’snotwhatyouthink.Wedidn’tdoanything.Otherthankissing.”ThebestkissingofStella’slife.
“Well,whyevernot?”
Stella’smouthworkedwithoutissuingwords.
“You’reamatureadult,andyoumakegoodchoices.Now,tellmeallaboutthisMichael.”{CHAP+ER}
6
Destroy.Defeat.Deceive.
Michaelscannedhispartner’sblack-cladformforweaknesseshecouldexploit.Rightnow,duringtheheatofthematch,wastheonlytimehegavefreereintothebase,selfishinstinctshebattleddaily.Anditfeltsofuckinggood.
Nomatterhowhardhefoughtagainstit,athiscore,hewasjustlikehisdad.Thebadnesshadbeenpasseddowninhisblood.
Heshovedandwentforaheadshot.Whenhispartner’sswordrosetoblockthestrike,Michaelpushedforthatextraburstofspeedandarchedhisweapondown.Thetipofhisswordcrackedagainsthispartner’sside.
Cleanpoint.Matchover.
Everyonebowedandsettheirswordsonthebluemattedfloorbeforekneeling.Michaelhatedthispartofclass,notbecauseitmeantpracticewasending,butbecauseitwastimetoremovehisarmorandreturntohisnormalself.
Thiswasthebeautyofapparel.Asuittransformedyouintoacertainkindofperson.AT-shirt,adifferentkindofperson.Blacknightmarearmorthathidyourfacebehindanominousmetalcage,yetadifferentkindofperson.Thegearweighedthirtypounds,buthealwaysfeltlighterwhenheworeit.
Asheshedlayers,coldairtouchedhisskin,andrealitycreptbackintohishead.Heavythoughtsstackedoneupontheotherlikebricks,returninghimtohisregularburdenedstate.Responsibilitiesandobligations.Bills.Family.Hisdayjob.Hisnightjob.
Afterclassofficiallyended,heputhisgearinitsplaceontheshelfalongthebackwall.Spacewastightasfuckwithfiveguysinthecrampedchangingroom,andhedidn’tfeellikewaitingaround,soheslippedhisuniformoffinthehallway.NothinghalfthewomeninCaliforniahadn’talreadyseen.
Twohighschoolgirlsgiggledandhurriedintothewomen’sroom,andherolledhiseyesasheyankedapairofjeansoverhisboxerbriefs.MichaelLarsen:nowservinghalfthewomeninCaliforniaplustwo.
“We’reprobablygoingtohaveabunchofnewgirlmembersnextweeknow,”saidavoiceMichaelrecognizedasbelongingtoQuan,Michael’scousinandsparringpartner.
“I’llletyouteachthemtheirstrikes,”MichaelsaidasheretrievedawrinkledT-shirtfromhisduffelbagandstraightened.
“Theymightbedisappointed.”
“Whatever.”Heyankedhisshirton,tryingandfailingtoignoretheircontrastingreflectionsinthefull-lengthmirrorhangingonthewall.
LotsofgirlswentforQuan.Withhisbuzzedheadandthedensetattooscoveringhisarmsandneck,herockedthatbadassAsiandruglordimage.Youwouldn’tguesshewaspayinghiswaythroughbusinessschoolwhilehelpinghisparentsattheirrestaurant.Michael,ontheotherhand,wasaprettyboy.
Itwasn’tabadproblemtohave—itwaspayingthebills,afterall—butpeople’sresponsesgotboring.Well,exceptforacertaineconomistsomeone’sresponse.Stella’sattractiontohimhadbeenobvious,butshehadn’tlookedathimlikehewasanexpensivecutofmeat.She’dlookedathimlikeshesawnooneelse.Hecouldn’tforgetthewayshe’dkissedhimoncehe’dearnedhertrust,thewayshe’dmeltedand—
WhenMichaelcaughtthedirectionofhisthoughts,hementallypunchedhimselfinthedick.Shewashisclient,andshehadissues.Itwasfuckeduptothinkoftheirsessionslikethis.
“Ifwehavenewstudents,I’llteachthem.Idon’tmind,”Khai,Quan’syoungerbrother,offered.Hestillworehisuniformandpracticedrunningstrikesinfrontofthemirror,hispacefastbutsteady,likeamachine.
Quanrolledhiseyes.“Heneverminds.Evenwhentheythrowthemselvesathim.Youshouldhaveseenthelastone.Sheaskedhimouttodinner,andhesaid,‘No,thanks,Ialreadyate.’‘Dessertthen?’‘No,Idon’teatdessertafterclass.’‘Coffee?’‘Thatwillkeepmeup,andIhaveworktomorrow.’”
Michaelcouldn’thelpsmilingatthat.KhairemindedhimalittleofStella.
AsQuanshovedbothoftheirweaponsintoanearbystoragebox,hesaid,“Nicematch.Badday?”
Michaelshrugged.“Justthesame.”Heshouldbegrateful.Hewasgrateful.Everythingwouldbefineifhecouldstopwantingallthethingshe’dgivenup.Hedidn’tregretexchanginghisoldlifeforthisone—he’ddoitagain—butatthesametime,thiswantingwouldn’tstop.Ifanything,itwasgettingworse.Becausehewasaselfishbastard.Likehisdad.
“How’syourmomdoing?”
Herakedahandthroughhishair.“Good,Iguess.Shesaysshelikeshernewmeds.”
“That’sgood,man.”Quansqueezedhisshoulder.“Youshouldcelebrate.ComeoutwithmeonFriday.There’sthisnewclubinSFcalled212Fahrenheit.”
Thatactuallysoundednice,andarushofexcitementburnedoverhim.Hehadn’tbeenoutwithoutaclientinforever.
Thereminderofclientshadhimexhalingaheavybreath.“Can’t.Ihavesomething.”
“What?”Quan’seyesturnedassessing.“Ordoyoumeanwho?You’realwaysbusyFridays.Doyouhaveasecretgirlfriendyou’rescaredofintroducingtoeveryone?”
Hesnortedinwardlyattheideaoftakingaclienttomeethisfamily.Nevergoingtohappen.“Nah,nogirlfriend.You?”
Quanlaughed.“Youknowmymom.DoyouthinkI’dsubjectagirltothat?”
Grinning,Michaelpickeduphisbagandheadedforthestudio’sfrontdoor,passingKhai,whohadn’tstoppedwithhispracticeorsloweddownthisentiretime.“Lookonthebrightside.Ifagirlmeetsyourmomanddoesn’trun,you’llknowyoufoundakeeper.”
AsQuanfollowedhim,hesaid,“No,thenI’llhavetwoscary-asswomeninmylifeinsteadofone.”
TheybothwavedatKhaifromthedoorway,but,asusual,hewastoofocusedtowaveback.
Outintheparkinglot,QuanclimbedontohisblackDucati,shruggedintohismotorcyclejacket,andproppedhishelmetonhiskneebeforegivingMichaeladirectlook.“YouknowIdon’tgiveashitifyou’reintoguys,right?Like,I’dbeokaywiththat.Justsoyouknow.Youdon’thavetohidestufflikethatfromme.”
Michaelcoughedandadjustedthepositionofhisduffelbag’sstraponhisshoulderasanuncomfortablewaveofheatboileduphisneckandsingedhisears.“Thanks.”
Thiswaswhathappenedwhenyoukeptsecrets.Peopledrewtheirownconclusions.Hewonderedbrieflyifheshouldjustrollwithit.Therewasnodoubtinhismindhisfamilywouldtakethatbetterthanthetruth.Theydidn’tknowabouthisescortingorthebillsthatnecessitatedtheescorting.Heplannedtokeepitthatway.
Hetookabreathofairthatsmelledlikeexhaustfumesandblacktop,feelingtouchedbyQuan’sacceptancebutalsooldandtiredinhisbones.“Itmeansalottohearyousaythat,butI’mnot,okay?I’vejustbeen…seeing…lotsofpeople.NooneI’dbringhome,though.”Godno.“Noonespecial.”
Assoonasthatlastcommentcameout,however,hewantedtoretractit.Hedidn’tknowwhy,butitdidn’tfeelrighttolumphislatestclientinthatcategory.
“Domeafavorandtellyourmomandsisters,then.They’vebeengossipingaboutitwithmymomandsister,andtheykeepaskingmefortheinsidescoop.I’mgoingtobehonestandsayitwasalittleembarrassingtellingthemIhavenoideawhatyoudowhenyoudisappear.”Quankickedatapebbleontheground,hisfacepensive,andMichaelknewhewasthinkingbacktotimeswhenthey’dknowneverythingabouteachother.Well,asmuchasguysevertoldoneanother.Theirmomswereclosesisterswhohadpurchasedhomestwoblocksapartandgivenbirthtoboysinthesameyear.Asaresult,MichaelandQuanwerecloserthanbrothers.Theyusedtobe,anyway.
Michaelrubbedthebackofhisneck.“I’vebeenacrappyfriend.I’msorry.”
“Youwentthroughallthatshit.”Quangavehimanunderstandingsmile.“Firstwithyourassholedadandthelawsuitsandthenwithyourmom’shealth.Igetit.Butthingsarebetternow,right?Weshoulddostuff.FridaynightsarebestformebecauseIdon’thaveworkorclassSaturdaymornings.Your‘noonespecial’canhangwithmine.Letmeknow.”Withthat,Quanstartedhisbikeandpulledhishelmetoverhishead.
Afterhiscousindisappearedaroundthecorner,Michaelopenedhiscardoorandtossedhisbagintothepassengerseat.Thingswerealotbetternow,buthewouldn’tbedouble-datingwithQuananytimesoon,notwhenhewasfuckingadifferentwomaneveryFridaynight.Well,notthenextthreeFridaynights.ThosewereforStellaandsexlessons.He’dneverexpectedtohavetheoppositeroleinhisHotforTeacherfantasy,butheadmitteditexcitedhimmorethanhewouldhavethought.
Heknewitwasmessedup,butFridaynightcouldn’tcomefastenough.{CHAP+ER}
7
BythetimeFridaynightrolledaround,Stellawasajitterymess.Shecouldn’tstopherfingersfromdrummingontherestauranttableasshewaitedforMichaeltoarrive.She’darrangedtheappointmentthroughtheagency’smobileapp—withthestate-of-the-artsetup,itwasaseasyasbookingairlinetickets,butwithoutthefrequent-fliermiles.They’dsentaconfirmationemail,butthatwastheonlyindicationshe’dgottenthatthedatewasstillon.Shecouldn’thelpworryingthatMichaelhadchangedhismind.
Shewishedshehadhiscellphonenumber,butshefiguredhenevergavethattohisclients.Itwastoopersonal.Especiallyifhisclientshadthetendencytogetobsessed.
Whichwasactuallyoneofhermainweaknesses,andadefiningcharacteristicofherdisorder.Shedidn’tknowhowtobesemi-interestedinsomething.Shewaseitherindifferent…orobsessed.Andherobsessionsweren’tpassingthings.Theyconsumedherandbecameapartofher.Shekeptthemclose,wovethemintoherverylife.Justlikeherwork.
GoingforwardwithMichael,shehadtotreadcarefully.Everythingabouthimpleasedher.Notjusthislooks,buthispatienceandhiskindness.Hewasgood
Hewasanobsessionwaitingtohappen.
Hopefully,shecouldkeepacoolheadduringthecomingweeks.Perhapsitwasforthebesttherewereonlythreesessions.Oncetheywerefinished,she’dfocusonsomeoneshecouldactuallyhave.LikemaybePhilipJames.
WhenMichaelenteredthehotelrestaurant,shenoticedrightaway.Tonight,heworeaperfectlyfittedblacksuitoverawhiteoxfordshirt.Notie.Hiscollarhungopen,drawingattentiontohisAdam’sappleandthesexybaseofhisthroat.Hisgazesweptovertheroomandlandedonher.
Shelookeddownatthemenuwithoutseeingit,horriblyawareofhisslowadvancetowardher.Keepacoolhead.
“Hello,Stella.”Hesatdownacrossfromherandfoldedhishandsonthetabletop.
Herlungsdrewinaslowbreath,andshecaughthislightscent.Everythinginsideherturnedoverandsighed.Withasenseofdefeat,sheliftedhereyestohis,countedtothree,andlookedaway.
“Hello,Michael.”
“Areyounervousalready?”
Shelaughedslightly.“I’vebeennervoussinceSaturday.”
“Aboutthat…WhowasthatonthephonewhenIleft?”
Herlipstightenedasshetriedtosuppressasmile.“Itwasmymom.HernameisAnn.Shethinksyou’remyboyfriendnow,bytheway.”
Hepressedaknuckletohisgrinninglips.“Isee.Willthatbeaproblem?”
“Actually,Ithinkit’sagoodthing.NowthatshethinksIhaveaboyfriend,sheshouldstoptryingtoarrangeblinddatesforme.”
“Ah,themother-arrangedblinddate.I’mveryfamiliarwiththose.”
“Doesthatmeanyoudon’thaveagirlfriend?”Assoonasthequestionlefthermouth,shewinced.“I’msorry.ForgetIaskedthat.”
Shehadnorighttoinquireabouthispersonallife,buttheintensecuriosityburnedinsideher.Shewantedtoknoweverythingabouthim.Andifhedidhaveagirlfriend,whoeverthatluckygirlwas,Stellahatedherguts.
“No,Idon’thaveagirlfriend.”Hesaiditlikeitshouldhavebeenobvious.
ThankGod.
“Whatkindofgirlsdoesyourmothertrytohookyouupwith?”
Herolledhiseyes.“Doctors,whoelse?Andnurses.Bynow,Ithinkmymom’striedtohookmeupwiththeentiresecond-floorstaffatthePaloAltoMedicalFoundation.”
Stellacouldn’thelpbeingimpressed.“That’sreallydetermined.”
“That’snothing.Youdon’tknowmymom.”
Sheforcedasmileandfocusedonthemenu.Whatdiditsayaboutherthatshewantedtoknowhismom?No,wait,sheknewtheanswertothat.Itsaidshewasnuts.Motherswerescaryshe-bearswhenitcametotheirsons,especiallysonslikeMichael.
AndStellawasn’tadoctor.
Enoughofthis.Shewasn’tdatingMichael.Itdidn’tmatterwhathismotherthoughtofher.Stellawasnevergoingtomeetthewoman.Sheneededtogetbacktothematterathand.
“Let’sdiscussmylessons,”shesaidbriskly.
“That’sagoodidea.”Michaelleanedbackinhischair,lookingatease.
Stellatriedtocopyhisrelaxedairassheretrievedthreefoldedsheetsofpaperfromherpurse.“Becausewe’repressedfortime,Itookthelibertyofdrawinguplessonplans.They’renotsetinstone.Infact,pleasesuggestchangeswhereyouseefit.IhavenoideaifwhatI’vewrittenisfeasible,butithelpsmetokeepthingsstructured.Idon’tdealwellwithsurprises.”
Michael’sexpressionwentunreadable.“Lessonplans.”
“Exactly.”Shepushedthesaltandpeppershakersandcandleaside.Afterplacingherpapersinthemiddleofthetable,shesmoothedthecreasesoutwithherfingertipsandpointedatthefirstsheet,whichwaslabeledLessonOne.“Iputboxesnexttoeachitemsowecancheckthingsoffaswego.”
Eyesonthepaper,heopenedhismouthtospeak,caughthisbreath,andtappedafingertohislips.“Givemeamoment.”
LESSONONE
?HandJobLectureandDemonstration
?HandJobPractice
?PerformanceReview
?MissionaryIntercourseLectureandDemonstration
?MissionaryIntercoursePractice
?PerformanceReview
Michaelreadandrereadtheclinicallessonplan,andsurprisemeltedintoamusement,whichthendissipatedasfrustrationcreptoverhisbackanduphisneck.HecurledhisfingersandrestrainedthesuddenurgetocrumpleStella’spapersintouglyballs.Irritated.Hewasirritated.Fuckifheknewwhy.
Withwordslikelectureanddemonstrationinvolved,heshouldbegettingoffonthis.ItwasexactlylikehavingtheteacherroleinHotforTeacher—excepttherewasno“hotfor”part.
“Who’sgoingtochecktheboxes?Youorme?”
“Icanifyoudon’twantto,”sheofferedwithahelpfulsmile.
ApictureofherpausinginthemiddleofsextoputherglassesonandscribblenotesonalegalpadflashedinMichael’shead.Likehewasasexbotorafuckingscienceexperiment.
“Inoticethere’snokissing,”hesaid.
“Iwasundertheimpressionwe’dmovedbeyondthat.”
Hiseyebrowstwitched.“How’sthat?”
“YousaidI’dpickeditup,soit’sbestnottowastetimeonit.Kissingyoumakesithardformetothink,andIreallywanttogetthisright.Beyondthat,itfeelslikesomethingpeopledowhenthey’redating—whichwe’renot.Iwantthingstostayclearandprofessionalbetweenus.”Shetookaprimsipoficewaterandsettheglassdown,leavingasheenofmoistureonherpinklips—lipshewasn’tallowedtokiss
Herkissesweren’tforhimanymore.Hewassupposedtofuckherandletherjerkhimoff,butshewassavingthosesoftlipsforsomeoneelse.Thethoughtmadehimalmostviolent,andheshovedhisfeelingsdowndeep.
“You’vewatchedPrettyWomantoomanytimes.Kissingdoesn’tmeananything,andit’salwaysbestifyou’renotthinkingtoomuchinbed.Trustme,”hesaid.
Hermouththinnedintoastubbornline.“Thisistooimportantformenottothink.I’drathernotkissanymoreifyoudon’tmind.”
Michael’sirritationredoubled,andheforcedhishandstorelaxbeforehepoppedallhisbloodvessels.Howthehellhadhegottenhimselfintothis?Ahyes,he’dbeenworriedabouthisescortcolleaguestakingadvantageofher.Stupidofhim.Hislifewascomplicatedenoughwithoutworryingabouthisclients.Thiswasexactlywhyhehadtheone-sessionpolicy.
Hewouldhavebackedout—itwastempting—buthe’dpromised.Healwayscarriedthroughonhispromises.Itwashiswayofbalancingouttheuniverse.Hisdadhadbrokenenoughpromisesforthebothofthem.
“Allright,”hemadehimselfsay.“Nokissing.”
“Dotheotherplanslookokay?”sheasked.
Heforcedhimselftoreadthemandfoundthemprettysimilar,onlyshe’dmovedfromhandjobstoblowjobsandchangedthesexualpositions.
Amuseddespitehimself,hesaid,“I’msurprisedyouusedthetermsdoggystyleandcowgirl.”
Hercheekswentbrightred,andsheadjustedherglasses.“I’minexperienced,notclueless.”
“Yourplansaremissingsomethingimportant.”Heheldhishandout,andsheplacedthepeninhispalmwithwarymotions.
ShetiltedherheadtothesideasshewatchedhimwriteFOREPLAYatthetopofalltheplansincapitalletters.Asanafterthought,hedrewaboxinfrontofeachiterationwithhardstabsofthepen.
“Butwhy?Iwasundertheimpressionmendon’tneedit.”
“Youdo,”hesaidflatly.
Shewrinkledhernoseandshookherhead.“Youdon’thavetobotherwithme.”
Henarrowedhiseyes.“It’snotabother.Mostmenlikeforeplay.Ido.Gettingawomanhotissatisfyingashell.”Besides,hewasnothavingsexwithherifshewasn’tready.Nofuckingway.
Swallowing,shestareddownatthemenu.“Soyou’resayingIdon’thaveachancetoimprove.”
“What?No.”Hismindscrambledtofigureoutwhyshemightsaythatandcameupwithnothing.
“YousawhowIreacted.Itwasonebutton.”
“Andthenyousleptwithmeallnight.Youwerebasicallynaked,andyoucling.”
“Areyoutworeadytoorder?”thewaitressinterjected.Judgingbytheamusedglimmerinhereyes,she’dcaughtthelastpartoftheirconversation.
Stellaperusedthedinneroptions,hernailspickingatthefabricedgingofthemenu.
“We’llhavethespecial,”Michaelsaid.
“Wisechoice.I’llleaveyoutoit.”Thewaitresswinked,gatheredthemenus,anddisappeared.
“What’sthespecial?”Stellaasked.
“Ihavenoidea.Let’shopeit’snotwoolly.”
Atroubledfrownbracketedhermouth,andsheleanedforwardhesitantly,meetinghiseyesforthebriefestsecond.“Whatexactlydoyoumeanby‘cling’?”
Michaelgrinned.“Itmeansyouliketocuddlewhenyou’reasleep.”
“Oh.”
Shelookedsohorrified,Michaelcouldn’thelplaughing.“Iconfesstolikingit.”Whichwasthetruth,andunlikehim.Cuddlingwasanobligatorythinghedidforhisclientsbecauseheunderstoodtheyneededit.Heusuallyspentthetimecountingthesecondsuntilhecouldleaveandgohometoshower.HoldingStellahadbeennothinglikethat.Theyhadn’thadsex,sothere’dbeennothingtowashaway,andthetrustingwayshe’dcurledintohimhadmadehimfeelthingshedidn’twanttothinkabout.Especiallywhenshefounditsodistasteful.Hisirritationincreasedevenfurther.
“Wheredoesthisleaveuswithregardtothelessons?Howdoweproceedwhenmylimitationsaresuchbigroadblocks?Byfocusingonyou,IthoughtI’dfoundawayaroundmyproblems.”
“We’renotgoingtogoaroundyourproblems.We’regoingtogothroughthem.”
Shecrossedherarmsandtappedoutanunusualrhythmwithherfingertipsonherelbow.“How?”
“We’regoingto…unlockyou.”Thatmadehimsoundlikeanarrogantjackass,buthehadn’tgottenthosefive-starreviewsbyluckalone.Whenhe’dlosthisvirginityattheripeageofeighteen,he’ddiscoveredhehadanaturaltalentforfucking.Goingprohadtakenhisskillstoawholenewlevel.
“Idon’tthinkthat’spossible.”Sheslantedherlipslikeshewaslisteningtoaused-carsalesman.
“Didyouthinkyou’dlikekissing?”Andshehadlikedit—onceshe’dgottenoverthepilotfishthing.Therewashopeforher.Girlsdidn’tdothatweak-in-the-knees,faintingheroinestuffwhentheyweren’tintosex.Hejusthadtofigureherout.
Shetappedoneoftheforeplayboxes.“WhathappensifyoutryeverythingandIdon’tlikeit?We’reunderaprettyextremetimeconstraint.”
“Idon’tthinkit’llcometothat.”Butifitdid,they’ddealwithitthen.
Afteralongstretchofsilence,shesaid,“Let’stryityourway,then.”{CHAP+ER}
8
Oncethehoteldoorshutbehindthem,Michaeltoedoffhisshoesandambledtothewindows.Heopenedthedrapesandwaspresentedwithafineviewofthemedicalbuildingnextdoor,thePaloAltoMedicalFoundation.Itremindedhimofhismom,bills,responsibilities,andescortingcommissions.Notreallywhathewantedtothinkaboutrightnow.
Heyankedthedrapesshutandturnedaround,locatingStellastandingatthefootofthebed.Shelookedawayfromhimandfiddledwiththefoldedsheetsofpaperinherhands.Herlessonplans.
Heimaginedhimselfshreddingthemintoconfetti.Hecouldn’texplainit,buthedetestedthoselists.Insteadofactingonthefantasy,heapproachedher,tookthepapers,andsetthemcarefullyonthenightstand.Hefoundanarrowsilverpeninthenightstand’sdrawerandputitontopofLessonOne.Ifshewasclearheadedenoughtocheckboxestonight,heneededtoanalyzehistechnique.Hedimmedthebedsidelights.
“HowshouldI—whatshouldI—maybeI—”Shegrippedthecollarofhershirt.“ShouldIundress?”
“Idon’tknow.It’snotinthelessonplan.”Oncethewordswereout,hewantedtotakethemback.Herlistsannoyedthehelloutofhim,buthedidn’tneedtobelittleher.“I’msor—”
“You’reright.Ididn’tthinktoincludethat.”Shehurriedpasthimtothenightstand.Aftersheconsideredthelistforamoment,shebentdownandpickedupthepen,demonstratingtheonlyreasonwhyawomanshouldwearapencilskirt:toshowofftheperfectlyroundedcurvesofherfineass.
Thathadtobewhyittooksolongforhercluelessnesstoregister.Shehadn’tcaughthisrudenessorhissarcasm.Maybeshewasoneofthosebook-smartpeoplewhodidn’tknowhowtosocialize,andhewasbeingtoohardonher.“IfItoldyouyourlessonplansareinsulting,whatwouldyoudo?”heaskedquietly.
Shelookedathimoverhershoulderwithalarmedeyes.“AretherepartsIshouldreword?I’dbehappytochangethings.”Sheturnedbacktothelessonplanandskimmedherfingersoverthelinesatathoughtfulpace.
Theballofirritationinhischestloosened.Hecouldn’tbeannoyedwithherwhenshedidn’tunderstand.
Sheworriedtheinsideofherlipandtappedherfingersonthetablewithincreasingspeedbeforesendinghimananxiouslook.“ShouldIhavewrittensomethingotherthanPerformanceReview?IhopeyouknowwhenIwrotethat,Imeantmyperformance.There’snothingwrongwithyourperformance.Eveniftherewere,Iwouldn’tknow.I’mnotqualifiedinanywaytojudge—”
Beforeshecouldworkherselfintoanotherpanicattack,hesaid,“Itwasjustahypotheticalquestion.Forgetaboutit.”
Sheseemedconfusedforasecond,butsheblinkedthelookawayandreleasedarelievedbreath.“Oh,okay.”Afteradjustingherglasses,sheturnedbacktoherpapersandneatlywroteStella’sinfrontofeachiterationofPerformanceReview
Thatwasagoodreminder.ThiswasabouthelpingwithStella’sperformance.Thatwasit.Sowhatifshewasn’tviewingthisasthefulfillmentofsecretfantasieslikehisotherclientsdid?Heneededtotakehisownadviceandstopthinking.
Whensheflippedtothesecondpageinthepile,heshruggedoutofhisjacket,drapeditoverthearmofachair,andunbuttonedhisshirt.Tuggingthetailsfree,hesatonthebednexttoStella.Shesnuckaquickglanceathim,andhergazedroppedtotheportionofskinrevealedbyhisopenshirt.Thepenpausedinmidscrawl,clatteredtothetabletop.
Hesmiledwithsatisfaction.Notsoclinicalnow.
Shesquaredhershouldersbeforesheliftedherhandstohercollar.Buttonscameundoneatapainstakingpace,andwhitefabricflutteredtothefloor,followedbyhergrayskirt.Thesetofherjawwasdeterminedasshelethimlookather.Andlookhedid.
Heusuallypreferredwomenwithbiggerbreasts,lusherhips,androundedthighs.Helikedtheirsoftness,thewaytheyfilledhishands.ThatwasnotStella.Everythingaboutherwasmodest.Wearingonlyaflesh-tonedbraandpanties,herpetitebodywascomposedofelegantshouldersandarms,alittlewaistthatflaredtogentlycurvedhips,andshapelylegswithdelicateankles.Shewasn’twhathe’dthoughthe’dalwayswanted,butshewasperfect.
“Takeyourbraoff.”Hisvoicecameoutrougherthanheintended,buthecouldn’thelpit.Hewasdyingtoseetherestofher.Shemightnothavefantasizedabouttheirtimetogether,buthehad.
Downathersides,herhandsfisted.“Isthatnecessary?They’renotmybestfeature.They’resmall.”
“Yes,it’snecessary.Menliketoseethemevenwhenthey’resmall.”Andtouchthem.God,hewantedtotouchthem
Shegrimaced,lookinglikeshewantedtoarguewithhim.Whenshereachedbehindherselfandslidherbraoff,hecaughthisbreath.
Thenhebithislipashegrinned.Stelladidn’tseemtoknowit,butshehadthekindofnipplesmenandbabiesdreamedabout.Rosy-tintedareolasgavewaytoextravagantlyprotrudingtipsthat—noquestionaboutit—hadtostaypointed24/7,hotorcold,rainorshine.StellaLane,conservativeeconomist,hadpornstarnipples.Andhewantedtheminhismouth.
“Whatnow?”sheaskedinanearwhisper.
Heslippedhisshirtoffandtosseditonthefarsideofthebed.“Ithinkyougettocheckabox.”
Shepeeledhereyesfromhischestandstaredathimlikehe’dspokenanotherlanguage.Afterseveralhardblinks,sheshookherheadandsaid,“Right.”
Leaningover,shecheckedaboxatthetopofthelist.Sheadjustedherglassesandpaused.Theglassescameoff,andshepulledthetiefromherhairandshookoutthemasssoitframedherface.Vulnerablebrowneyessearchedhisbeforeshefocusedonthewalltotheside.
Theairseepedfromhislungsashisinternalorgansmeltedandtherestofhimhardened.Sogorgeous.
Andscared.Howdidheeaseherfear?
“Letmeholdyou.”
Sheinchedascloseasshecouldgetwithoutactuallytouchinghim.
Hesuppressedasmile.“Itmighthelpifyousatonmylap.”
Bitingherlip,shecrawledontohimandstraddledhiships.Fuck,soclose.Thatpartofher,openedwide.Hewenthardinaninstantbutforcedhimselftotakethingsslowly.ThiswasaboutStella.Heexpectedhertositstiffasaboarduntilhethoughtupsomekindofsorcerytomakeherrelax,butsheimmediatelysettledincloseandrestedhercheekagainsthisshoulder.Whenhisarmsencircledher,shereleasedaraggedsighandwentboneless.
Secondsstretchedintominutes,andhelethimselfsavorthemoment—notspeaking,notfucking,notdoinganything,justbeingwithsomeone.Theroomwassoquietheheardthecarsdrivingbyoutside.Talkingvoicespassedtheirroom,receded.
“Areyoufallingasleepagain?”heaskedfinally.
“No.”
“Good.”Heranhisfingertipsdownthelengthofherarmandsmiledwhengoosebumpsrippledoutward.Nuzzlingherneck,hebreathedinthesoftscentofherskinandkissedthesweetspotjustbehindherjaw.Herlipscalledtohim,butinsteadoftrespassing,hesuckedonherearlobeandbitit,startlingashakysighfromher.
“Thisisforeplay?”Thebreathyqualityofhervoicesentsatisfactioncurlingthroughhim.
“Itis.”Eventhoughheknewtheanswer,heaskedagainstherear,“Doyoulikeit?”
Sheshiveredandburrowedclosertohimasadditionalgoosebumpsdottedherskin.“Yes,butit’snotwhatIexpected.”
“Whatdidyouexpect?”
Sheshookherhead.
“Tellmeifyouwantmetostoporthere’ssomethingspecificyouwant.”Ashespoke,hethreadedhisfingersintoherhairandangledherheadback.Hetrailedkissesalongherjawline,nippedherchin,andkissedthecornerofhermouth.
Tooclosetothetemptationofherlips.Hisbodyachedatthethoughtoftakinghermouthinadeepkiss,andhealmostdiditdespiteeverything.He’dbeendreamingofthatmouthallweek.Feelinglikehewasswimmingagainstthetide,heforcedhislipsdowntothecolumnofherthroat.
“Touchme.”Hebroughtherhandstohischest.
Shescrapedherpalmsoverhimuntiltheyencounteredhisnipples.Asiffascinatedbythetexture,sherubbedherthumbsonthehardeningtips.Hismusclestightened,andheshudderedwithpleasure.
“Isthatright?”sheasked.
“Ilikethat.Andthis.”Hecuppeddaintybreastsinhispalmsandpinchedthenipplesjustso.
Herbreathbroke,andshegazeddownatherchest.Withhistannedhandsonherpaleskinandherdecadentnipplescapturedbetweenhisfingers,itwasaneroticsight,indeed.Hecouldn’tresistpinchingheragainandenjoyinghersharpintakeofbreath.
“Whydoesitfeelsogoodwhenyoudothat?”Thewonderinhervoicehadhimgrinning.
“Wanttotrysomethingevenbetter?”Atherhesitantnod,hesaid,“Comeuponyourkneesforme.”
Herthighsflexedassheroseoffhislap.Bodystiffandbreathsshallow,shesettledherhandsonhisshoulders.Justashe’dplanned,thenewpositionbroughthernipplestofacelevel.Though,ifshewasn’tcareful,she’dpokeaneyeoutwiththosethings.Onlyinhislineofworkwasblindnessbynippleassaultatruehazard.Tobehonest,however,hedidn’treallyfeellikehewasworking.Therewasnofantasyplayinginhishead,andhewasn’ttellinghimselfanewlieeveryfifteenseconds.Thismoment,thiswoman,andhisundeniableattractiontoherwereallreal.
Hesmoothedhishandsupanddownherbackuntilhermusclesrelaxedbeneathhispalms.Thatwaswhenhegaveinandkissedtheundersideofonebreast.Shecurledherfingers,andhernailsprickedhisskin.
Pullingback,heasked,“Areyouokay,Stella?”
Sheclearedherthroattwice.“Tellmewhatyou’replanning.Please.”
“I’mgoingtosuckonyourprettynipplesandlickthemwithmytongue.”
Hergriptightenedonhisshoulders.“ThatwasabitmoregraphicthanIwasexpecting.”
“Howwouldyouhavesaidit?”Heranhismouthfromtheundersideofherbreastuptotheplacewherepaleskingavewaytodarkareola.
“Idon’tknowwhat—”
Hecoveredhernipplewithhismouthandsuckedhard.
“Michael.”
Thesoundofhisnamefallingfromherlipswasjustasunexpectedasitwashot.Hepulledherclosersohecouldfeastonher.Nomancouldstaysanewithtitslikethisinhisface,inhismouth,rollingonhistongue.Hecouldplaywiththesefordays.Relinquishingone,helickedhiswaytothesecond.
Sheworkedherfingersblindlythroughhishair,twistedandarchedherbackwithunconsciousdemand.Stellawaslovingthis,losinghergeniusmindoverhiscaresses.
Beforeheknewwhathewasdoing,hedraggedhislipsupherthroat,alongherjaw,backtowardhermouth.Hecaughthimselfatthelastsecondandpressedtheircheekstogetherashementallyshookhimself.Hewasseriouslyfuckedup.She’dsaidshedidn’twantit,andhekept—
Theirlipstouched.Hestiffenedfromtheelectricshockofit.Shestrokedhisbottomlipwithhertongue,andhisinstinctstookover.Heclaimedhermouthlikeastarvedman.
Hertaste,hersoftness,hernailsonhisscalp,kissafterkissafterkiss.
“I’msorry.IknowIsaidnokissing.”Shekissedhimagain.“ButIcouldn’tresist.Ithoughtaboutkissingyouallweek.”Herwordssankintohim.Hehadn’tbeentheonlyone,afterall.Anotherdruggingkiss.“Andnow,Ican’tseemtostop.”Amurmuringsoundhummedinherthroatasshekissedhimyetagain.
“Thendon’tstop.”
Michaeltwinedhistonguewithhers,andherbodywentsoftinhisarms.Sheundulatedherhipsagainsttheachingbulgebeneathhisflyandscrapedhernipplesoverhischest.Hebitbackagroan.Hehadn’twantedawomanlikethisin…Hadheeverwantedawomanlikethis?
Whenhedrewback,herlipswerepartedonsoundlessgaspsofdesire.Ittookamomentforhereyestoclearenoughtofocusonhim,andheexpectedhertoturnaroundandcheckanotherboxoffherlist.Instead,shewrappedherarmsaroundhisneckandpressedclose,holdinghim.Shecrushedherlipsagainsthistemple.
Ashockingsenseofbeingcherishedspreadthroughhim.Shewasn’tactinglikewhathappenedbetweenthemwasservicesrenderedforpaymentreceived.Shewasactinglikeitmeantsomething,likeshecared,maybeevenabouthim.
Anotherhotelroom,anotherbed,andanotherclientinhisarms.ItwasaregularFridaynight.Onlyhe’dneverfeltsoexposed,soraw,andhestillworehisgoddamnedpants.
Thiswassupposedtobeplainfucking.Therewasn’tsupposedtobeanycaring.Hecouldn’tkeepdoingthisifhecared.Caringwouldturntheescortingintocheating,andherefusedtocheat.Timetoshakethisnonsenseoutofhisheadandgetdowntobusiness.
???
Michael’sweightsettledbetweenStella’slegs.Icycoldnessdugintoherbelly,joltingherbacktoreality.Metal.Hisbeltbuckle.
They’dfallenofftrack.Whatweretheysupposedtobedoing?Shecalledupthelistinherhead.Handjobs.Itwastimetolearnhandjobs.
Hetrailedkissestoherneck,leavinghermouthfreefortalking,butbythattime,shecouldn’trememberwhatshe’dbeenabouttosay.Histeethscrapedherskin,andshiverscascadedoverherbody.Hernipplestightenedtothepointofhurting,butwarmpalmssoothedthem.Heflickedhistongueatonetipbeforehedrewonheragain,makinghertoescurl.
Aroughhandskateddownherstomachandslippedbeneaththewaistbandofherpanties.Cleverfingerscaressedherwithboldstrokes.Hewastouchingherthere.Rightwheresheneededhimto,eventhoughshehadn’tknownit.Menhadtouchedherbefore,butithadn’tfeltlikethis.Sheonlyrespondedlikethiswhenshewasalone,andneverwiththisintensity.
“Stella,you’redrenched.”Witheachsyllable,hislipsgrazedherstiffnipple.Ahotexhalationgustedoverherhungryfleshbeforeheclosedhisteetharoundherandbitwithcare.
Herbodyclenchedhard,clenchedevenharderwhenhepressedafingerdeep,fillingher.Hemassagedherwithlazyswirlsofhisthumb,andshestartedtrembling.Helickedhertorturednipplebackintotheheatofhismouth,andthatwasallittook.Sheclimbedquickandsharptowardrelease.
Anditscaredthehelloutofher.
Sheclawedathiswrist.“Stop,stop,I’mnotready.”
Ashepulledaway,shedugherheelsintothemattress,propellingherselftothefarsideofthebed.Shehuggedapillowtoherchesttohidehernakedness.Itscoolnesshelpedtodampenherarousal,andshetookdeepbreaths.Theimpendingorgasmretreated.
Michael’sfacewasamaskofslack-jawedincomprehensionasheconsideredher.Hercheeksburned,andshameweigheddownonherchest.Shehadtobetheworstclienthe’deverhad.Whenheliftedahand,panicspikedandshebackedupfarther.
Hedroppedhishand.“Stella,calmdown,Iwon’t…touchyou.Notifyoudon’twantit.”
Sheclutchedatthepillow.“Iknow.I’msorry.Ijust…”
“WhatdidIdowrong?”
“Nothing.”
Hiseyebrowsroseinpatentdisbelief.
“I’veneverorgasmedwithanotherperson,”sheconfessed.
Hepartedhislips,shookhishead,startedtospeak,shookhisheadagain.“Doesthatmeanyou’venever…atall?”
Herfaceburnedsohot,ifshehadbeenwearingherglassestheywouldhavefoggedup.“Ihave.Bymyself.”
“Youdon’tlikeit?”heaskedinbewilderment.
“No,Ido.”Sheexhaledatightbreathandsiftedthroughherthoughts,tryingtostructureacoherentexplanation.“Ijustfeelsaferexperiencingthatalone.AndI’vehadsexbefore—verybadsex.Ispentthetimewatchingasthemengruntedandsweatedandheavedoverme.Tobehonest,itdisgustedme.Iwantedthesextobringmeclosertosomeone,butitonlymademefeelmoredistanced.Idon’twanttodothattoyou.”
“Notevenclose.Iwasrighttherewithyou,lovingit.”
Shemadeanexasperatedsound.“I’mpayingyoutosaythosethings.Well,youthinkthat’swhatI’mpayingfor.That’snotwhatIwant.”
“DoIlooklikeI’mdisgustedbyyou?”Hewavedahandinthevicinityofhiships,whereanimpressivebulgestrainedattheflyofhispants.
Shepursedherlipsasshekeptsilent.Ifshespokerightnow,chanceswerehighshe’dsayTheWrongThing.Hewasaseasonedescort.Hisbodyprobablytookcommandslikeashowdolphin.
“YouthinkI’maliar.”Apredatorylightshoneinhiseyes,andhecrawledoverthewrinkledbedcoverstowardher
Shebackedupreflexively.
Andfelloffthebed.
Assherubbedatherhead,hepeeredatheroverthesideofthemattress.“Areyouokay?”
Herthroatcloggedwithembarrassment,andallshecouldmanagewasacurt“Fine.”
Heassessedherungraceful,ground-crumpledformforalongmoment.“Ithinkweshouldcallitanight.”
Sheleanedagainstthewallandhuggedherlegstoherchest.Theuncheckedboxesofthelessonplanweighedonher,butsheneededtounderstandanduntanglealltheemotionsclashinginsideherheadbeforeshecouldmoveforward.“Doyoumind?”
Heshookhishead.Withoutaword,hestood,pulledhisshirtbackon,anddidthebuttons.Sheswallowedaprotestashecoveredupskinandmuscleshe’dbeentoopreoccupiedandrattledtoproperlyappreciate.
Afterheputonhisshoesandshruggedintohissuitjacket,sherememberedsomething,jumpedtoherfeet,andretrievedhertabletfromherpurse.“Onesecond.”Itwasdifficulttocueupthepagewhileoneofherarmsstillheldthepillowtoherfront,butsheeventuallymanagedandhandedhimthetablet.
“What’sthis?”
“Couldyousignupforanalternatephonenumber,please?Ithinkit’sagoodideatobeabletocontacteachotherduringtheweekifweneedto.Forlogisticalreasons.”Incasehewantedtocancelthings.“Ispoketocustomersupportattheagencyandsuggestedtheydevelopsomekindofanonymoustextingprogram,butinthemeantime…”
Afunnysmiletouchedhislipsasheconsideredtheglowingscreen.“Yougavemeyourrealnumber.I’msurprisedyou’renotexpectingmineinreturn.”
“Thisisbetterforyou,right?”Becauseitwasdefinitelybetterforher.
Oncelessonsended,neitherofthemwantedhercallinghimoverandoverjusttolistentohimhanginguponher.Shecouldn’tseeherselfactingsodesperate.Butshe’dneverbeenobsessedwithapersonbefore,either.
Notthatshewas.Yet.
Hisfacialexpressionwasdifficulttoreadashesaid,“Itisbetterforme.Thankyou.”
Hefishedhisphoneoutfromhisjacketpocketandtappedthroughaseriesofscreensonbothgadgets.Afterafewmoments,avibratingsoundemanatedfromherpurse.
“Done,”hesaidwithasmile.
“Perfect.Thanks.”Sheforcedherlipsintoanansweringsmile.
Hetookasteptowardthedoorbeforehepaused.“WeshoulddosomethingnewnextFriday.Icouldtakeyouout.”
Herheartsqueezed.“Out?”
“Maybedancing?Drinking?Ataclub?Ihearthere’sthisnewplaceinSanFrancisco…”
“Idon’tdance.”Andshedidn’tdrink.Andeventhoughshe’dneverbeenclubbing,shewascertainshedidn’tdothat,either.
“Icanteachyou.It’llhelpwithlessonswhenwegettothemlaterintheevening.Trustme.”
Trust.
Thiswasthesecondtimehe’dtoldhertotrusthim.Whatwouldhethinkifshetoldhimhowdifficultitwasforhertodothingslikedancinganddrinking?Goingoutwassupposedtobefun.Forher,itwaswork—hardwork.Shecouldinteractwithpeopleifshewantedto,butitcosther.Sometimesmorethanothers.
Inthiscase,wastherewardworththeprice?
“Howwillithelpwithlessons?”sheasked.
“Youthinktoomuch.It’llhelpgetyououtofyourmind,makeyourelax.Also,I’mreallygoodatdancing.We’dhavefun.Areyouuptoit?”
Shetoldherselfitwastheideaofgettingoutofhermind—whateverthatmeant—andcheckingboxesonthelessonplansthatdecidedforher.Butthatwasonlyasmallpartofit.
ThebiggestpartwastheeagersparkleinMichael’seyes.Hewantedtogo,andhewantedhertogowithhim.Itwaslikeadate.Butnot,ofcourse.Sheknewitwasn’tadate.
“Ican’tguaranteeI’llbeabletodance.”
“Doesthatmeanyou’llgo?”heaskedwithatiltofhishead.
Sheliftedherchinandnodded.
Whiteteethflashedashesmiled.“Great.I’llmakeplansandkeepyouposted.Lookingforwardtoit.”Heleaneddownandpressedafastkisstohercheekbeforehelefttheroom.
Stellaboltedthedoorandsankontothebedinadaze.Theseweresupposedtobesimplesexlessons.Whywasitgettingsocomplicated?Whyhadherbodybetrayedher?AndwhydidshewanttopleaseMichaelsobadlyshe’dgoclubbingforhim?Whowasshe?Shedidn’tknowherselfanymore.{CHAP+ER}
9
“It’sreallybadtoeatdessertfirst,youknow,”Stellacommented.
Sheknewshesoundedpedanticandboring,butshecouldn’thelpthenervouschatterspillingfromhermouth.Heranxietyoverclubbinghadbeenescalatingexponentiallyduringthepastweek,andthemaineventwasjusthoursawaynow
Also,Michaelwasholdingherhand.
Herpalmsweatedsobadlyshedidn’tknowhowhecouldstandtouchingher,letaloneactlikeitwasthemostnormalthingintheworld.Oddly,she’dhandledforeplaybetterthanthis—upuntiltheend,thatwas—andshe’dbeennakedforthat.Shecouldn’tblameherreactiononherusualaversiontotouch.ShelikedMichael’stouch.
AssheandMichaelwalkeddownthebusySanFranciscosidewalkhand-in-hand,passersbysmiledatthem.Anoldmaninanewsboycapwinkedather.
TheythoughtsheandMichaelwereacouple.
Stellawouldhavelaughedifshedidn’tfeellikeshewassomehowtakingpartinaduplicitouscharade.Agaggleofpartygirlsinlow-cutdressesflockedby,givingMichaeldoubletakes,thentripletakesastheygiggledintotheirhandsandwhisperedtooneanother.TheyglancedatStellawithopenenvythatsheenjoyedevenassheknewshedidn’tdeserveit.Wearingaslate-graysuitandblackoxfordshirt,hewasparticularlyscrumptious-lookingtonight.
“Hereitis.”Michaelreleasedherhandandheldopenthedoorforherasshewalkedintotheold-fashionedgelatoshop.Blackandwhitetilescheckeredthefloor.Pinkchandeliersilluminateddisplayfreezersfilledwithgelatoandtoppings.“What’syourflavor?”
Shecouldbarelythinkabouticecreamwithhishandrestingatthebaseofherspinelikethat.Didheknowhewasdoingit?She’dseenmendothatwiththeirgirlfriends.Stellawasn’tagirlfriend.
“Mintchocolatechip,”shesaid.
“Really?That’smyfavorite,too.I’llgetsomethingelse,then,sowecantrysomethingnew.”Heidlyrubbedherwaistasheconsideredthegelatoflavors,andherbodyheatedwithawareness
“Wait,whatdoyoumeanby‘we’?”
Amischievousgrincurvedonhislips.“Youdon’twanttosharewithme?”
Thecollege-agedgirlbehindthecounterstaredatStellalikeshe’dkickedapuppy.
“No,that’snotit.”Notentirely.Afterallthekissingthey’ddone,sheknewitwassillytoworryaboutgermtransference.Thefactwasshe’dmadeadetailedanalysisoficecreamflavors,andshe’ddecidedthisonewasthebestinexistence.“IjustknowwhatIlike.”
“We’llseeaboutthat.”Hetappedonthedisplaycase.“Mintchocolatechipforherandgreenteaforme.”
Stellawantedtopay,buthedugbillsoutofhiswalletbeforeshecouldprythecreditcardoutfromthebodiceofhersapphire-bluesheathdress.Oncetheywereseatedatablackwrought-irontablebythewindow,hedippedhisspoonintohisgelato,tastedit,andgrinnedaslow,widegrinasheslippedthecleanspoonfromhismouthandscoopedoutmore.
“Oh,that’sjustridiculous,”shesaid.“Youlooklikeyou’reauditioningforaH?agen-Dazscommercial.Noonesmileslikethataftereatingicecream.”
Helaughed.“Itreallyisgood.”Hisgrinwasoutinfullforce,and,Godforbid,didhehaveadimple?
“Now,Ihavetotryit.”Sheloweredherspoontowardhisbowl.
“Ah,ah,ah.”Insteadoflettingherscoopupsomeherself,heheldhisspoontoherlips.Hereyesjumpedtohis,andconflictingthoughtsskitteredthroughhermind.
Sheshouldn’tdoit.Thiswastoointimate.Itwascrossingalineofsomekind.Itfelttoomuchlikedating—whichtheyweren’t.
Itwasjustgelato.Justhisspoon.Hemighttakeitasrejectionifshedidn’tdoit,andshecouldnever,everinathousandyearshurthim,noteveninatrivialway.
Shepartedherlipsandlethimfeedherthegelato.Herheartknockedaroundherchestlikeapinballassweetgreenteameltedonhertongue.Hewatchedherwithexpectation,oblivioustohiseffectonher.
“Okay,it’sgood.”Shetriedtosoundcasual.Thisdidn’tmeananything.Thiswasn’tadate.Shewasjustanotherofhisclients.Keepacoolhead.Shestabbedherspoonintohergelato.
“Itoldyouso.”
“Istilllikeminebest.”Sheputaspoonfulofmintchocolatechipinhermouth.Thecomplexcombinationofvanillaandmintexplodedonherpalate.Bitsofchocolatecrunchedbetweenherteeth.Perfection.
“Letmetryit.”
Sheheldherbowlouttowardhim,buthedidn’tputhisspooninit.Hetrailedhisfingersoverherjawashetippedherheadbackandsealedhislipsoverhers.Histonguespearedintohermouth,andthesaltofhimmixedwiththeflavoroftheicecream.Shedidn’tknowifshewasmortified,shocked,aroused,orallthree.
Withalingeringlickonherbottomlip,hepulledawayandgrinned,hisdarkeyesintenseandhazy.
“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat.”Flustered,shetriedtoscoopherselfanotherspoonful.Herwhiteplasticspoonskitteredontothetabletop.
Shegrabbedforit,buthishandswrappedaroundhers.Inthenextinstant,hewaskissingheragain—sweet,closed-mouthkissesthatstillfeltscandalous.Andtoodelicioustoresist.Thegelatoshopdroppedaway.Thepeopledisappeared.Inthatmoment,itwasjustherandMichael,thetasteoficecream,andtheirslowlywarminglips.
???
AsMichaeleasedhistonguebetweenStella’spartedlips,thechilledsilkandmintchocolatesweetnessofhermouthdrovehimoutofhismind.Heforgothewasseducingher.Heevenforgotwhy.Allheknewwashertasteandthehotsighsofherbreath.Hewantedtodevourher.
Didsheknowshewasmakingthosesofthummingsoundsasshereturnedhiskisses?Orthathercoolfingershadsnuckbeneaththecuffofhisshirtandwerecaressinghiswrist?
Hewantedtoslidehishandsupherbaredthighsandslipthembeneaththeshorthemofherdresssohecouldtouchheragain.Butthelasttimehe’ddonethat,he’dscaredthehelloutofher.
Becauseshedidn’twanttomakehimfeelthewayshehadwiththosethreeassholes.
Clientsneverworriedabouthimlikethat.Whydidshe?Hewishedshe’dstop.Itwasfuckingwithhishead.
“Easy,man,”alaughingvoiceinterjected.“You’reinapublicestablishment.”
Stellatoreaway,touchingtremblingfingerstoherredlips.She’dsurprisedhimtodaybytradingherglassesforcontactsandleavingherhairdowninloosewaves.Sheevenworemakeup,thoughhe’dkissedoffallherlipgloss.Thatwasfine.Likethis,shewasalmosttoobeautifultobereal.
Whenthegroupofwiseassesatthenexttablestartedclappingandcheering,Michaelexpectedhertogrowflusteredandembarrassed.Shedidn’t.Sheduckedherheadinthatshywayshehadandlaughedalongwiththem.Hersoftsmileandtheluminouslookinhereyes,however,werejustforhim,andtheymadehimfeellikehe’dsingle-handedlyvanquishedanarmy.Hewastheoneshesaw,theoneshesmiledat,nooneelse.
Hisplantoseduceheroutofheranxietywasworking.Hehadnodoubtthatbythetimehetookherhometonight,she’dbereadytocheckthebigboxesonherlessonplans.Heshouldhavedonethisfromthebeginning.Everyoneknewifyouwantedinsidesomeone’spants,youdidn’tstartinthebedroom.Thatwaswhatseduction,romance,hand-holding,anddancingwerefor.Thatwaswhattheseicecreamkisseswerefor.
Theproblemwastheywereworkingonhim,too.Themoretimehespentwithher,thestrongerhisattractiontohergrew—andnotjustphysically.Ifhecouldn’tcheckallherboxeswithinthenexttwolessons,he’dfeelobligatedtoextendthelengthoftheirarrangement,andthatwasabadidea.Hemightdosomethingstupidandfallforher.
Neveroncedidheimaginehecouldspinafairy-taleendingoutofsuchascenario.Notonlyweretheyworldsapartintermsofeducationandculture,butStellawasrich.Ifshelearnedabouthisdadandtheshittythingshe’ddonetogethishandsonmoney,she’dneverbeabletotrustMichael.Therewasareasontheyhadsayingsliketheappledoesn’tfallfarfromthetree,likefatherlikeson,andachipofftheoldblock.Hefoughtagainstitandhatedhisdadforit,buthecarriedthatsamebadnessinsidehimself.Hewasatickingtimebomb,andhedidn’twantStellatobearoundwhenhisenduranceranoutandheexploded,hurtingeveryonearoundhim.
Sexwasthewayoutofthis.Checktheboxes,finishthelessons,moveon.Onlynowthatheknewherbetter,hewantedtodomorethanteachherhowtobegoodatsex.Hewantedtogiveherthebestnightsofherlife.
Tonight,hewasgivingherfireworks.{CHAP+ER}
10
Afterdinneratafusionrestaurant,StellawalkedwithMichaeldownstreetslinedwithposhdepartmentstoresandskyscrapersbearingthenamesoflargebanks.Pedestriantraffic—oneparttourist,onepartnativecitydwellerinWindbreakers,onepartyoungpartygoerdressedtothenines—chokedthesidewalksandspilledontotheroads,wherecars
ThiswastheBayAreaatnight,somethingshehadnevercaredtoexperience.Surprisingly,shewashavingagoodtime.Whenitcametoescorting,Michaelwasthefullpackage.Hewasgreatbothinandoutofbed.Hisverypublickissesshouldhaveembarrassedher,butinstead,she’dlovedthem.Whowouldn’tlovebeingkissedbyMichaelwherepeoplecouldseeandadmireandbecomegreenwithenvy?Heheldherhandeverychancehegot,andhewaseasytotalkto.Shedidn’tusuallyenjoynewthings,butMichaelmadeherfeelsafe.Withhimatherside,shewasapartofthisbusySanFrancisconight,notjustanonlooker.Therewassomethingnovelandwonderfulaboutbeinginacrowdandnotfeelingalone.
Theynearedasetofredvelvetropeswherescantilycladwomenandmeninsuitswaitedinlonglines.AbouncerrakedcoldlyappraisingeyesoverStella’sbodyandface,makingherleanintoMichael.
“Isthistheclub?”sheasked,feelingheranxietyresurface.
Hewrappedanarmaroundherandnodded.Tothebouncer,hesaid,“Weshouldbeonthelist.Thenameis—”
Thebouncertippedhisbuzzedheadtowardtheentrance.“Goonin.”
Michaelbrushedakissagainsthertemple,tuckedherhandintothecrookofhiselbow,andwalkedwithhertowardthefrontdoorsof212Fahrenheit.Athirdbouncerheldthedooropenforthem,noddingatMichaelastheypassed.
“Theyletusinbecausetheythinkyou’llbegoodforbusiness,”Michaelwhisperedinherear.
Hercheeksheated,andshetriednottolethiswordsgotoherhead.She’dgottenherhairandmakeupdonefortonight.Thiswasn’treallyher.
Adecentnumberofpeoplemilledabouttheinterioroftheclub,andshefistedherhandsandgaveherselfaquickpeptalk.She’dbeentobenefitdinnersandworkgalas.Thisshouldn’tbeaproblem.Thedinoftheirconversationsmixedwithsubduedelectronicmusicandfilledherears.Thankfully,neitherofthosethingswasparticularlyloud.Shecouldstillthink.
Thespacewasoneopenroomdecoratedinaminimalistmodernstylewithexposedmetalbeamsandsharpedges.Alargebaroccupiedtheback,andaDJcontrolledthemusicfromacrow’snestontheadjacentwall.Seatingwassparseandcameintheformofupholsteredboothscenteredaroundlowmetaltables.Therewereonlyfoursucharrangements,andtwowereoccupied.
“Iwantoneofthosetables.”Hervoicecameoutsureandsteady,andthesoundreassuredher,loosenedtheknotsinherstomach.Shewasdoingfine.
“They’renotfree.”
SheslippedhercreditcardoutfromthetopofherdressandhandedittoMichael,laughingwhenhestaredatherwithasurprisedgrin.“Ihadnowhereelsetoputit.”
Heslidhishandsupherbackandpulledherclose.“Whatelseisinthere?”heaskedashepeeredathermodestshowofcleavage.
“Mydriver’slicense.”
“Ihavepockets,youknow.Youcouldhavegivenmeyourcardsandphonetoholdforyou.”
“Ididn’tthinkofthat.IleftmyphoneathomebecauseIcouldn’tfititin.”Butnowthatsheknewitwasanoption…Thiswaswhywomenhadboyfriends.
Excepthewasn’therboyfriend.
Michael’sfingertiptuckedbeneaththebodiceofherdressandskimmedacrossthefront.Itbrushedinadvertentlyacrossanipple,makingherbloodraceandbreastswellbeforehefoundthelicenseandslippeditfree.Fromthetwinkleinhiseye,sherealizedithadn’tbeenanaccidentatall.
Hisexpressionsoftenedasheswepthisthumboverthephotographonherdriver’slicense.Intheoutdatedpicture,shelookedyoungandextremelyshy—anaccuratedescriptionforthetime.Shelikedtothinkshe’dgainedsophisticationsincethen.Justlookatwhereshewasnow.
“ThatwasrightafterIfinishedmypostdoc.”
“Howoldwereyouhere?”
“Twenty-five.”
Thecornerofhismouthkickedup.“Youlookeighteen.Evennow,youbarelylooklegal.”
“AllowmetodemonstratehowlegalIambydrinking.”
Feelingdrunkoffsuccessandempowerment,shemarchedtooneoftheemptytablesandsat,eyespeeledforwaitstaff.Michaeltuckedahandintohispantspocketandstrodetowardherwitharelaxedbearingworthyoftherunway.Allofhimwasworthyoftherunway,buttherewasalsosomethingaboutthatsuit.Itlookedexpensiveandexcellentlytailored,yetsomehowmorechicthananythingshe’deverseenonothermen.
Hestretchedoutnexttoher,closeenoughthattheirthighspressedtogether,andproppedhisarmontheseatbehindher.Shelikedthat.Alot.Itmadeherfeellikehewasstakingaclaimonher.
“Whatbrandisthissuit?Iloveit.”Withthebaresthesitation,shesmoothedherhandsoverthelapelsandcrispshouldersofthejacket.
Searchinghereyes,hesmiledaslow,beautifulsmile.“It’scustommade.”
“Mycomplimentstoyourtailor.”Shecheckedtheinsideandwasevenmorepleasedwhenshecouldn’tdetectthebunchingofhastyseamsunderneaththefinesilklining.Expertcraftsmanship.
“I’lltellhim.”
“MaybeIshouldswitch.Doeshedowomen’sapparel?Isheterriblybusy?”Asshespoke,shecouldn’thelprunningherpalmsdownhischest,lovingthefirmnessofhisbodybeneaththestarchedcottonofhisdressshirt.
“Heisverybusy.”
Shesighedindisappointment.“Mytailorisallright,butshethinksI’mcrazy.Shestabsmealot,too.I’mnotconvincedit’salwaysanaccident.”
Hismusclestensedunderneathherhands,andhesatupstraighter.Hisvoicehadanangryedgeasheasked,“Youmeanshestabsyouonpurpose?”
Washeupset…onherbehalf?Thethoughtsentwarmthbubblingthroughoutherbody,andwhatevergrudgesshe’dharboredagainsthervindictivetailorwereforgotten.
“Inherdefense,I’mverypicky.Shecallsmeherdivaclient,”Stellasaid
“Thatdoesn’tmakeitokay.Sheshouldhavebettercontrolofherpins.It’snotthathard.EvenwhenIwasten,Istill—”Hepressedhislipstogetherandrakedahandthroughhishair.“Whatthingsareyoupickyabout?”
“Oh,well,I…”Shedrewherhandstowardherselfandlacedthemtogethersoshecouldn’ttapherfingers.“I’mparticularaboutthewaythingsfeelonmyskin.Tagsandscratchy,lumpyseams,loosethreads,placeswherethefabricistootightortooloose.I’mnotadiva,I’mjust…”
“Adiva,”hesaidwithateasingsmirk.
Shewrinkledhernoseathim.“Fine.”
Awaitressinashortblackskirtandatightwhitetopbearingtheclub’slogosaunteredtothetable.
MichaelhandedherStella’screditcard.“We’dliketoreservethetablefortherestofthenight.Waterforme.Stella?”
Hewasn’tdrinking,too?Shewasn’tsureshewantedtodoitalone.“Somethingsweet,please.”
Thewaitressarchedaneyebrowbutgaveaprofessionalnod.“Comingrightup.”
Afterthewaitressdisappeared,Michaelexplained,“I’mdriving.”
Shesmiled.“Ilikethisresponsiblesideofyou.”
“Michaelisalwaysresponsible,aren’tyou,man?”Astrangerappearedoutofnowhere,andStellawatchedinaweashehelpedhimselftothesofaoppositethem.HeworeatightblackT-shirtoverbulldog-hunchedshouldersandkepthishairbuzzedclosetohisscalp.Shetriednottostarerudelyattheintricatetattoosdecoratinghismuscledarmsandneck,butitwasdifficult.She’dneverseensomanytattoosupclose.
Michaelsatforward.“Quan—”
ThestrangergaveMichaelahardlook.“No,Igetit.Youmusthavelostyourphoneorsomething.”SwitchinghisattentiontoStella,hesaid,“I’mQuan,Michael’sfavoritecousinandbestfriend.”
Cousin.Bestfriend.Hernervesjumpedintohightension.Sheheldherhandoutoverthetable.“StellaLane.Nicetomeetyou.”
Hestaredatherhandwithanamusedexpressionbeforeheshookitandsprawledbackagainstthesofa.“Sohedoeshaveagirlfriend,afterall.Letmeguess,you’readoctor.”
Assheopenedhermouthtocorrecthimonbothaccounts,Michaelwrappedanarmaroundherandpulledheragainsthisside.“Stella’saneconometrician.”
Shegazedupathiminconfusionuntilsherealizedhewasworriedshe’ddivulgehisescortingtohiscousin.Then,shementallyrolledhereyes.Hersocialskillswerebad,buttheyweren’tthatbad.
Quansurprisedherbyleaningtowardherwithabrightexpression.“That’srelatedtoeconomics,isn’tit?”
“Yes.”
“HasshemetJanieyet?”heaskedMichael.
WhowasJanie?
ButMichaeldidn’tappeartohearthequestion.Hisattentionwasfocusedonapetiteblondwomanseatedatthebar.Whenshepattedtheemptybarstoolnexttoher,hecursedunderhisbreathandgottohisfeet.“I’llbebackinasecond.”
Stella’sbodywentcoldasshewatchedhimstridetothebar.Hesatontheindicatedbarstool,andtheblondetrailedherfingersdownhisarm.Theyspoke,buttheirwordscouldn’tbeheardabovethemusicandthenoisefromthegrowingcrowd.
Whenhadsomanypeoplearrived?Theirnumbershadalmostdoubledsinceshe’dentered.Morecontinuedtofileintotheclubinasteadystream.
“I-isthatJanie?”sheasked.
“Idon’tknowwhothatis,butit’snotJanie.”AfterglancingatStella’sface,Quansmiledslightly.“Heclearlydidn’twanttotalktoher,okay?Youhavenothingtoworryabout.”
Butitdidn’tfeellikeshehadnothingtoworryabout.TheblondelaughedatsomethingMichaelsaidandedgedclosertohim.Enviablylusciousbreastsflattenedagainsthisarm.Whateverhappenednextwasblockedfromviewaspeoplegatheredaroundthebar.
“Arethereusuallythismanypeoplehere?”Stellaasked.
“Nah.”Quanrubbedatthescruffonhisheadandstretchedhisnecksidetoside.“ThispopularDJisspinningtonight,soit’sbusierthannormal.Theacousticsarereallygoodhere.Preparetobeblownaway.”
Sheswallowedpastalumpinherthroat,andasenseofforebodingsettledinhergut.Sincewhenwasbeingblownawayagoodthing?Hundredsofbodiespackedtheroomnow.Farmorethanshe’danticipated.
Agratingelectronicboomeruptedfromspeakersbuiltintotheceiling,andStella’sheartlurchedsohardherchesthurt.Theroomflashedredbeforeflamesbegandancingupthewalls.ThecrowdscreamedwithexcitementwhileStellastruggledtobreathe.Lasersandsmoke.Thegratingreceded,andephemeral,orchestralsoundswhisperedovertheroom.Beforeshecouldattempttorelax,abeatpickedupinthebackground,gainingspeedwithaslowbuildup.
“Don’tlooksoscared,”Quanshouted.“That’snotrealfire.It’sjustLEDlightsandprojectors.”
Thewaitressappearedoutofthinairandploppedadrinkontothetable.Shesaidsomething,butStellacouldn’thearit.Intwoblinks,thewaitressvanishedintothemassofmovingbodies.Themusicworkedtowardsomekindofclimax,andthepeoplegrewagitatedasitneared.
Stellapickedupthedrinkandtookalargegulp.Lemon,cherry,andamaretto.Shewisheditwerevodka,or,betteryet,straightethanol.Itwouldworkfasterthatway.
Quangaveheranamusedlook.“Thirsty?”
Shenodded.
Louddigitalsirensscreeched,silencehungovertheroomforagoodfiveseconds,andamelodycascadedfromthespeakers.Withoutwarning,thebassresumedatafrantic,adrenaline-inducingspeed.Thecrowdwentwild.
Herheartpoundedinadizzyingrush,andfearthreatenedtoswampher.Toomuchnoise.Toomuchfrenzy.Shebottledupheremotionsandburiedthemdeepinsideherself,forcedherselftotakeslowbreaths.Aslongasshelookedcalmontheoutside,shewaswinningthis.Themusicraced,buttimecrawled.
Thebodiesshiftedsoshegotaclearviewofthebar.TheblondewasplayingwiththecollarofMichael’sshirt,leaningintooclose.
Shesealedherlipsoverhis.
Stellaflinchedlikesomeonehadslappedher.Shewaitedforhimtopushthewomanaway.Shewaitedforwhatfeltlikeages,waiteduntilthecrowdmovedagainandblockedherview.
Acidandamarettoclimbedupthebackofherthroat.
Sheneededtofindaplacetovomit.Sheforcedherwayintothecrowd,pushedthroughbodiesswayingtotherapidtempo.Themusicbombardedher.Lightsstrobed.Sourbodyodor,cologne,alcoholicbreath.Hardlimbsandpointedjoints.
WasMichaelstillkissingthatwoman?
Hereyesfloodedwithtears.Thebodiesformedacagearoundher.Shecouldn’tmove.Shecouldn’tcryforhelp.
Ahandclosedaroundhers.
Michael?
No,itwasQuan.
Heshovedpeopleaside.Awomansworeathimwhenhemadeherspillherdrink.Aguyshovedhimback.Quanmerelyelbowedtheguytothesideandbrushedpast.Throughitall,hisholdonherhandremainedsecureandsteady.Heledherthroughthepeople,openedadoor,andcool,sweetairfloatedoverherface.
Thedoorclickedshut,mutingthemusic.Someonewasgasping.Theflashinglightwasgone.Shecoveredhereyesandsankdowntothecoldcement.Hertremblinglegsrefusedtotakeherweight.
“Thankyou,”shemadeherselfsay.
“Areyouallright?”
“Goingtothrowup.”Hernailsclawedatthesidewalkasshetriedtofindasuitableplacetobesick.Shecouldn’tgetenoughairintoherlungs.
“Easy,easy.Slowbreaths.”Hemovedasiftotouchherbutstoppedwhensheflinchedaway.“Situpstraight.That’sit.Inthroughyournose.Outthroughyourmouth.”
Whowasgaspinglikethat?Thesoundwasdrivingheroutofhermind.
“Holdon.LetmegogetMichael.”
“Don’t.”Shegrabbedhiswrist.“I’mfine.”Sheleanedbackagainstthesideofthebuildingandturnedherfaceintoit.Thecoldnessfeltgoodonherfeveredforehead,distractedherfromthinkingaboutMichaelwiththatwoman.Michaelkissingthatwoman.
Withhermouthalmosttouchingthewall,thesoundofthegaspinggrewlouder,andsherealizeditwascomingfromher
Shegrittedherteethtogether,fistedherhands,andtightenedeverymuscleinherbody.Thegaspingstopped.
“Doyouneedanything?”Quanasked.
“I’mfine.I’mjustoverstimulated.”Shewasalreadyfeelingbetter,thoughhertemplesthrobbed.
Quantiltedhisheadtotheside.“Mybrotherusedtogetoverstimulatedjustlikethis.He’sautistic.”
Herchestconstrictedathiswords.Sheshouldn’thaveusedthewordoverstimulated.Mostpeopledidn’tuseit.Whywouldthey?Whenhenarrowedhiseyes,shecouldalmostseetheconnectionsbeingmadeinhismind,thequestionformingthere.
Sheheldherbreathandhopedhewouldn’task.Shecouldwithholdthetruth,butshe’dneverlearnedhowtolie.
“Areyou?”
Hershouldersslumped,andherthroatburnedwithshame.Shemadeherselfnod.
“Michaeldoesn’tknow,doeshe?Heneverwould’vetakenyouhereifheknew.Youshouldtellhim.”
Allshecoulddowasshakeherhead.Anytimepeoplelearnedaboutherdisorder,theystartedwalkingoneggshellsaroundher.Itstrainedtherelationshipuntiltheyfoundawaytoleave.Shenevertoldpeopleanymore.Apparently,thatwasn’tenoughtokeepsomefromfiguringitoutontheirown.
“CanIborrowahundreddollarsfromyou,please?Iwanttogohome.”Andhercreditcardwasinside.
“You’regoingtoleave?Michael’sprobablylookingforyou.”
Shedoubtedthat.He’dbeenbusy.Asshepushedherselftoherfeet,shemarveledatthedisconnectbetweenherbodyandhermind.Howcouldherlimbsstillfolloworderswhenherheadfeltsotiredandhollow?“IpromiseI’llpayyouback.”
“Isthisbecausethatchickkissedhim?IhopeyousawMichaeltryingtopeelheroff.Hesucksatprotectinghimselffromwomen.”
Hopesparked,brightandfoolish.“Really?”
Thedooropened,andaswifttechnobeatradiatedfromthedoorway.
“Thereyouare.”Michaelsteppedoutside,andthedoorshutbehindhim,silencingthemusic.HisgazejumpedfromhertoQuanandbackagain.“What’sgoingon?Areyouokay?”
“Ineededsomefreshair.”
Quan’sbrowfurrowedlikehewantedtospeak,andStellaheldherbreath.
Don’ttellhim.Don’ttellhim.Don’ttellhim.
He’dchange.Everythingwouldchange.Andshedidn’twantthattohappenyet
“Shewastryingtoborrowcabfarefromme.Shesawyouandthatblondeneckingandwantedtorun,”Quansaid.
Herstomachdidn’tknowifitshouldrelaxorknottighterathiswords.Hemadehersoundemotionalandpossessive.Shewisheditweren’ttrue.
“Youweregoingtoleave?Justlikethat?”Michaelasked,hisvoicetingedwithdisbelief.
Shestareddownatthepavement.“Ithoughtyouandher—thatyou—”
“No.Withyourightthere?Givemesomecredit,willyou?God,Stella.”
Hegrippedherwaistandpulledheragainsthim.Hissmell,hisarmstightaroundher,hissolidpresence.Heaven.Sheshuthereyesandsaggedagainsthim.
“Doyouwanttogobackin?”heasked
“No.”Adrenalineshotthroughherbody,tighteningeverymusclethathadrelaxedinhisembrace.Asanafterthought,sheadded,“Please.”
“Let’sgohome,then.”{CHAP+ER}
11
StellawasreservedastheywalkedthefewblocksbacktoherwhiteModelS.Severaltimes,Michaelcaughthermassaginghertemples,butwhenheaskedifshehadaheadache,herresponsewasanunintelligiblemumble.Hewouldhavethoughtshewasdoingthesilentmartyractinretributionforhissupposedcheating,butthatdidn’tseemherstyle.
No,herstylewasleavinghimwithoutasingleword.WhenQuanhadtoldhimshewantedtoabandonhimattheclub,it’dsucker-punchedMichaelinthegut.Thelastpersontoleavehimhadbeenhisdad.ButwhereMichael’sdadhadlefthimwithanenormousmesstocleanup,Stellahadplannedtoleavehimwithhercarandhercreditcard.Whodidthat?
Evenworse,hehadn’tdeservedit.Eithertime.
Tonight,he’dbeenbusypreventinghiscrazyex-clientfrommakinganenormoussceneinfrontofStella.Alizawasatruedivaandloveddramainallforms.Nowthatshe’dfinallysucceededindivorcinghermillionairehusband—andtakinghalfofhisnetworth—shewantedMichaelback.Shewaswillingtopaywhateverittook.
SherefusedtoacceptthatMichaelwouldratherfuckhiswaythroughsplintereddriftwoodthanreturntoherbed.She’ddetainedhimforlongminutes,tossingextravagantnumbersathimbeforeplasteringhermouthtohis.
Hewouldforeverassociatethetasteofcinnamongum,cigarettes,andwhiskeywithAliza.
SodifferentfromStella,whotastedlike…mintchocolatechipicecream.
Theypiledintohercar,andsheactivatedtheseatwarmer,sankagainstthebackrest,andstaredoutthewindow,absentlytappingherfingersonherknees.Heturnedtheradioontobreakthesilence,butshepromptlyturneditbackoff.Herfingersresumedtheirtapping.Itwashypnoticbutalittleannoying.
Hesentherapointedlook,butshedidn’tnotice.
Afterhetookthemoutofthecityandmergedintothelighttrafficon101S,hebrokedownandsaid,“Whenyoudothatfingertapping,areyouplayingasong?Likeonthepiano?”
Shestoppedtappingherfingersandsatonherhands.“It’sDebussy’sArabesque.Ireallylikethecombinationoftripletsandeighthnotes.”
“Soyouplay?”Whenhe’dpickedherupfromherdowntownPaloAltohouse,ithadbeenimpossibletomisstheblackgrandpianodominatingherotherwiseemptylivingroom.Ifshewasartisticallytalentedontopofbeingsmart,successful,andgorgeous,shewasofficiallyhisdreamwomanintheflesh.Andsofaroutofhisleagueastobelaughable.
Evenifhedidn’thavealltheshitassociatedwithhisdaddanglingbetweenthem,hehadalmostnothingagirllikehercouldwant.Therewashisfaceandhisbody,butanyonecouldhavethatiftheypaidenough.Maybeshewouldhavebeenattractedtotheoldhim,themanwhohadbeenfreetopursuehispassions.There’dbeenalotgoingforthat
“Ido,”Stellasaid.“IstartedplayingbeforeIcouldspeak.”
Hearchedhiseyebrows.Apparently,inadditiontobeinghisdreamwoman,shewasalsoMozart.
“That’snotasimpressiveasitsounds,”shesaidwithawryliftofherlips.“Iwasalatespeaker.”
“Ihaveahardtimepicturingthat.Youseemsoperfecttome.”
Shebowedherheadandreleasedaheavybreath,butwhenhebegantoaskherwhatwaswrong,theslowminivaninfrontofhimcaughthisattention.Heswitchedlanesandacceleratedsoundlesslypastit.Smoothasbuttah.Helovedfastcars.
Butthinkingaboutcarsalwaysremindedhimofhiscurrentcar,ashinyblackBMWM3,andhowhe’dgottenit.
“She’smycrazyex-client,”hesaid.
HefelttheweightofStella’sgazeonthesideofhisface.“Thewomanintheclub.”
“Yes.”
Sheliftedahandtowardthebridgeofhernose.Whenshecouldn’tadjustherglasses,sheclaspedherneckinstead.“Didyoulikekissingher?”
“Ididn’tkissher.Shekissedme.Butno,Ididn’tlikeit.”
“Canyoubeveryhonestandansweronequestionforme?”
Thiswasgoingtobeinteresting.“Yes.”
“Areyouadifferentpersonwhenyou’rewithme?”
“Youmean,ifIbumpedintoyouwhenyou’renotmyclientanymore,wouldIbeadickaroundyou?”Ifshewasnolongerhisclient,she’dprobablybewithanotherman.Hetwistedhislipsasabadtastefilledhismouth.“No.”
“Areyoulyingjusttomakemefeelbetter?”
“Stella,I’veneverliedtoyou.You’regoingtohavetodecideifyoubelieveme.”
Theydidn’tspeakfortherestofthedrive.Hedroveupthedrivewaytohersmart,renovatedcottage,completewithrosemaryhedgesandsolarpanelsontheroof,andparkedinthesurgicallysteriletwo-cargarage.Onceheturnedoffthecar,hereyelidsflutteredopen.
“You’rehome.”
Sheranahandoverhersleep-mattedhair.“I’malmosttootiredtogetoutofthecar.”
“Icancarryyou.”
Sheaimedasleepysmileathim,clearlythinkinghewasjoking.
“I’mserious.”Theideaofcarryinghertobedwashighlyappealingatthemoment.Helikedholdingher,andasmessedupasitwas,hewantedtocheckboxes.Hehadn’tgonethislongwithoutfuckinginthreeyears,andseeingStellainthatdresswasgivinghimfull-bodyblueballs.
“Don’tbesilly.”Shepawedherdooropenandstoodupwithmovementsthatwereclumsyevenforher.Whenhelockedthecarandmetheratthedoortoherhouse,however,hereyesweresteady.“Idon’thaveenergyforlessonstonight.”
“Itdoesn’thavetobelessons.”Hetrailedhisfingertipsdownherarm,andherskindottedwithgoosebumps.Hereyelidswentheavy,hereyessensual.BeautifulStella.“Icanjustmakeyoufeelgood.”Hestrokedoverherpalm,andherfingersunfurled,invitinghimtotouch.“Youalreadypaidfortonight,Stella.”
Herhandfistedshut,andsheturnedtofacethedoor.“Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutthat.Pleasecomein.”
???
Afterreturninghershoestotheirplaceinhercoatcloset,StellapaddedpastherbelovedSteinwaytoherdiningroom,enjoyingthefeelofthecoolhardwoodonherachingfeet.Michaelfollowedbehindherquietly,andshesuspectedhewasnotinghowbarrenthespacewas
Nocenterpieceadornedherdiningroomtable.Noartfullyarrangedplacesettings,either.Therewasnothingbut…shedidn’tknowwhatkindofwoodthetablewasmadeof,butitwassoft.Sheranherfingersoverthesatinysurfaceasshewalkedtothefarendofthetablewheresheusuallysat.Thechairssurroundingthediningtableweretheonlyonesinherentirehouse.
“Didyoujustmovein?”heasked.
Shepulledachairoutforhimandrubbedherelbowawkwardly.“Notreally.”
Insteadofsittingdown,hestrodeintotheadjoiningkitchenwithhishandsinhispockets,inspectingthegasrange,thestainless-steelrefrigeratingunits,andwhateverelseshehadintheechoingspace.Cold,gray,andcavernous,thekitchenwasherleastfavoriteroominherhouse.Atleast,itusuallywas.
ItbecameadifferentplacewithMichaelinit.Theambienceturnedintimateandinviting,andthelow-hanginglightstwinkledmorelikestarsthanenergy-efficientLEDs.Itnolongerfeltlonely
“Whatdoes‘notreally’mean?Amonthago?Two?”Heaimedateasinggrinatherasheasked,“Ayear?”
“Fiveyears.”
Hisfacewentslack,andhestaredatherhousewithneweyes.“Soyoulikeitemptylikethis?”
Sheshrugged.“I’mattheofficemostofthetime,soitdoesn’tbotherme.Here,Ihaveabed,aniceTV,andreallyfastInternet.”
Heshookhisheadandchuckled.“Theessentials.”
“Isthattoostrange?”Likebeingalatetalkerorgettingoverstimulatedatclubs?
“No,IthinkIlikeit,”hesaidwithasmile.“Youcouldusesomeart,though,andacouchortwo.Maybeacoffeetable.Youdon’tneedmuchmorethanthat.”
Aknotformedinherthroat.Atthatprecisemomentintime,whenshehadhimstandinginherkitchen,inherhouse,shefeltlikeshedidn’tneedanythingelseinthewholeworld.Andtheirtimetogetherwasendingsoon.
Shewasn’treadyforthattohappen.
“Wouldyoumindsittingsowecantalk?”sheasked.
Withaseriousnod,heroundedtheoversizedcenterislandandsatinthechairshe’dpulledout.Hisproximitydrewherlikeamagnet,andsheseatedherselfbeforeshecoulddosomethingdistractingliketouchhim.Sheneededtostayfocused.Maybeifshespokeveryeloquently,he’dagreetohernewplan.
Sherestedjitteryhandsonthetabletop,andwithinseconds,herfingersstartedtapping.
Awarmhandslidoverhersandsqueezed.“Youneverneedtobenervouswithme.Youknowthat,right?”
Whenhedidn’tremovehishand,sheanalyzedthewayhemadeherfeel.Thiswasacasual,uninvitedtouch,thekindthatnormallymadeherwanttocrawlintoherself.ButallsheregisteredrightnowwasMichael’swarmthandtheroughnessofhisskin,hisweight.Shedidn’tunderstandit,butherbodyacceptedhim.Onlyhim.
Therealizationmadehermindsharpenwithdetermination,andshegatheredhercourageandplowedahead.“I’missuingyouanewproposal.”
Hetiltedhisheadinameasuredway.“YoumeanyouwanttoextendourlessonsbeyondnextFriday?”
“ImeanIdon’twantlessonsanymore.Ourtimetogethertonight—boththegoodpartsandthe…not-so-goodparts—mademerealizeafewthings.WhileI’mbadatsex,I’mevenworseatrelationships.IthinkI’mbetteroffspendingmytimeworkingonthat.Beforetoday,IneversharedicecreamwithsomeoneorheldhandswhileIwalkeddownasidewalk.Ineverhadadinnerconversationthatwasn’tfilledwithlongstretchesofpainfulsilenceorthoseembarrassingmomentswhenIaccidentallyoffendpeopleanddrivethemaway.”
Heranhisthumboverherknucklesbeforeheconsideredherwithanunwaveringgaze.“Ididn’tseeanyrelationshipproblems—exceptforwhenyoutriedtoabandonme,butifI’dactuallybeenkissingher,Iwouldhavedeservedit.Youdidfinetonight.”
“That’sbecauseIwaswithyou.”
Hethoughtthatoverforapensivemoment.“Maybeit’sbecauseyoufeellikeyou’reincontrolwhenyou’rewithme.Becauseyou’repayingme,there’slesspressure,andyoucanrelax.”
“That’snotitatall.Irelaxwithyoubecauseofthewayyoutreatme,becauseyou’reyou,”shesaidwithcertainty.
Hiseyebrowsdrewtogether,andhewentstillforseveralbreaths.“Stella,youshouldn’ttellmethingslikethat.”
“Why?It’strue.”
Emotionscrossedhisfacefasterthanshecouldreadthem.Heshookhishead,swallowed.Asmilehintedattheedgeofhislipsbeforehewithdrewhishandfromherstorubhisjaw.Heclearedhisthroat,buthisvoicestillcameoutroughwhenhesaid,“Tellmeaboutthisnewproposal.”
Shestareddownatthebackofherhand,missingthewarmthofhistouch.“Iwantyoutoteachmehowtobeinarelationship.Notthesexpart,butthetogetherpart.Liketonight.Thetalkingandthesharingandtheholdinghands.Newthingsarescaryforme,butwithyou,Icanhandlethemandevenenjoythem.Iwanttohireyoutobemyfull-timepracticeboyfriend.”
Hislipsparted,buthedidn’tspeakforthelongesttime.“Whatdoyoumean,‘notthesexpart’?”
“Iwanttotakethesexout.Idon’twanttobelikethatwomanattheclubandforceyoutobeintimatewithme.MyhopeisthatifIgetgoodenoughatthetogetherpartofarelationship,amanwon’tmindworkingonthesexpartwithme.”
“Whosaidanythingaboutforcing?”heaskedwithnarrowedeyes.“EverythingI’vedonewithyouuptonowhasbeenvoluntary.”
Shesuppressedagrimaceandlacedherfingerstogethersoshecouldn’ttapthem.“Thenexttimeamankissesme,Ineedhimtodoitbecausehewantsto.”Withoutamonetaryincentive.AfterseeingMichaelwithhisex-client,everythingthey’ddonethusfarleftanunsavorytasteinhermouth.Herreasoningwhenhiringanescorttoteachhersexhadbeenoversimplified.“Iknowyouweren’tinitiallyinterestedindoingrepeatsessions,andmynewproposalwouldrequireevenmorefacetime.Becauseofthat,I’mwillingtopayyoufiftythousanddollarsupfrontforthefirstmonth.Maybewecouldtrythisforthreetosixmonths—atthesamerate?Isthatagoodtimeframeforapracticerelationship?Everythingisnegotiable,ofcourse.Idon’tknowwhattheindustrystandardisforthistypeofarrangement.”
“Fiftythousand…”Heshookhisheadlikehewasquestioninghishearing.“Stella,Ican’t—”
“Beforeyousayno,thinkaboutit,”shesaidasherheartratejumped.“Please.”
Hepushedawayfromthetableandgottohisfeet.“Ineedsometime.”
“Ofcourse.”Shestoodupandheldherbreath,nervous,unsurewhattodo.“Asmuchasyouneed.”
Wrappingahandaroundherupperarm,hetookahalfsteptowardher.Heleaneddownafewinchesbeforehecaughthimself.Eyesintentonhermouth,heoutlinedtheedgesofherlipswithhisfingertips,sendingshiversofawarenessoutward.“I’lltellyoubynextFriday.Isthatokay?”
“That’sfine.”
Hebithisteethintohisbottomliplikehewasthinkingaboutkissingher,andherownlipstingledinresponse.“Goodnight,then,Stella.”
“Goodnight,Michael.”
Inastateofbreathlessnumbness,shewatchedashelethimselfout.{CHAP+ER}
12
Jab,jab,cross.Jab,jab,cross.Cross.Cross.Cross.
SweattrickledintoMichael’seyes,burninghim,andheswipedaforearmoverhisfacebeforeslammingafistintothepunchingbagagain.Wheneverthoughtscreptbackintohishead,hehitharder.Toomanyfuckingthoughts,toomanyfuckingfeelings.
Jab,dodge,hook.Jab,cross.
Hisarmsburned,andhewelcomedthepain,welcomedthewayitsearedeverythingoutofhisbrain.Therewasnothingbutthehardresistanceofthesandinthebagandthejoltingimpactthatshockeduphisarmanddownhisleg.
Jab,jab,jab,cross,cross,cross.Harder.Couldhepunchthebagstraightoffitschains?Maybe.Cross,cross,cross,cross—
Loudknocksdistractedhimmidpunch,andheglaredatthefrontdoor.Hisannoyancequicklymorphedintoworry.Shit,wasitthelandlord?
Throwingatowelaroundhisneck,hewenttoopenthedoor.
“’Sup,cuz.”Quanbrushedpasthim,setasix-packofbeerbottlesonthecoffeetable,andtossedhismotorcyclejacketonthecouch.WithoutpausingtolookatMichael,hestrodeintothekitchenandbegandiggingthroughthefridge.“Gotanythingtoeat?”
“You’retheonewhoworksatarestaurant,”Michaelsaidonhiswaybacktohispunchingbag.
Itstillswungsidetosidefromthepummelinghe’dgivenit,andhesteadieditbeforehedroveafistintothefadedleather.Ashegotbackintobeatingtheshitoutofthebag,heheardaseriesofbeepsfollowedbythewhirringofthemicrowave.
“I’meatingyourleftovers,”Quancalledout.
Michaelignoredhimandcontinuedpunching.
Themicrowavebeeped,andshortlyafterward,Quancarriedasteamingbowltothecouch,sat,andproceededtoeatMichael’sdinner.Verynoisily.
WhenMichaelcouldn’ttaketheslurpingsoundsanylonger,hepausedinhispunchingandsaid,“Mostpeopleeatatthekitchentable.”
Quanshrugged.“Ilikethecouchbetter.”Heshovedaforkfulofnoodlesintohismouthandslurp-chewed,archinghiseyebrowsatMichaelinawhatgives?way.
Michaelgrittedhisteethandtriedtofindhisrhythmagain.
“Youbeenhittingtheweightshardlately?Yourarmsarebigger.They’relikegrapefruits,man.”
Steadyingthebag,Michaelasked,“Whyareyouhere?”
“Yougonnaapologizetomeorwhat?Becauseyou’retheshittiestcousinever,Michael.Youreallyare.”
Heshuthiseyes,exhaling.“I’msorry.”
“Yeah,I’mgonnahavetoaskyoutotrythatagain.”
Hepushedawayfromthebagandthrewhimselfontothecouchnexttohiscousin.“I’mreallysorry.It’sjustcomplicatedrightnow,andI—”Herestedhiselbowsonhiskneesandcoveredhisfacewithhiswrappedhands.“I’msorry.”
“Idon’tgetwhyyouliedaboutnothavingagirlfriend.‘Noonespecial’myass.Youscaredshewon’tlikethefamilyorwhat?”Quanaskedwithasneer.
Michaelresistedtheurgetotearhishairout.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthis.”
“Thefuck,Michael.”Quansethisbowlonthecoffeetablenexttothebeerandgrabbedhisjacket.“I’llleave,then.”Hestalkedtothedoorandgrabbedtheknob.
“Todaywascrappy,okay?”Hebeganyankingtheboxingwrapsfromhisfists.“Allmydaysarecrapdays,buttodaywasworse.Ithoughtmymomwasdead.WhenIgotthere,shewasstoopedoverinherchair,anditdidn’tlooklikeshewasbreathing.Ilostmyshit.”
Quanturnedaround,worrylininghisface.“Issheokay?Whydidn’tIhearaboutthisearlier?Wasitliketheothertwotimeswhenyoufoundherinthebathroom?Issheinthehospitalrightnow?”
Oneofthewrapscameoff,andMichaelswitchedtohisotherhand,relivingthefearandthereliefandtheembarrassment.“She’sfine.Shejustfellasleep.WhenIwentcrazy,shewokeupandyelledatme.”
Quan’sexpressionwentfromrelievedtoamused.“You’resuchamomma’sboy,youknowthat?”
“Likeyouaren’t.”
“Youshouldtellmymomthat.Maybeshe’llstopbeingsomean.”
Michaelrolledhiseyesashecoiledhisboxingwrapsbackup.“Afterthat,someonecamelookingformydad.Theyweretryingtoservehim.Notsureifitwasthesamepersonfrombefore,ortheIRS,orsomeonenew.It’salwaysfunseeingpeople’sfaceswhenItellthemyeah,I’mhisson.Icanseethemsizingmeupandmakingassumptions.AndthenwhenItellthemIhavenoideawheremydadisorifhe’sevenalive,Igetthedoubtorthepity.Mymomspenttherestofthedayrepeatingoldstoriesabouthowfuckedupheis.”
“You’retheonlyoneshetells,youknow.Shewon’teventalktomymomaboutthatstuff,andthey’relikethis.”Quancrossedtwofingers.“Youjustgottaletherdoit.”
“Yeah,Iknow.”Heunderstooditwasgoodforhismomtotalkaboutit,andmosttimes,hehandleditprettywell.Butlately,ithadgottenharderforhim.Becausehewasaselfishasshole.
Likefather,likeson.
HewastemptedtotakeStellauponheroffereventhoughhisguttoldhimheshouldsayno.ShewouldbebetteroffspendinghertimewithtechmogulsandNobellaureates—peoplewhowereactuallygoodmatchesforherandcouldaffordtobewithherevenwhenshewasn’tpayingthem.
NotlikeMichael.Hewouldgivealmostanythingtotakethemoneyoutoftheirequation,butthebillsdidn’tstop,sohecouldn’t,either.
“Youwantmetogo,oryouwantmetostay?”Quanaskedfromwherehestoodinfrontofthedoor.
Michaeltooktwobeersoutofthecardboardcontainer,poppedthetopoffoneusingtheother,andsettheopenbottleonthecoffeetable.“Stay.”
QuansnatchedthebottleonhiswayoverandsatdownnexttoMichaelonthecouch.Aftertakingadeepswallow,hetradedthebeerforthenoodlesandtookupwherehe’dleftoff,onlynotasloudnow.
Michaelpoppedthetopoffhisownbottlewiththeedgeofthetable,turnedontheTV,anddrankasheabsentlyflippedthroughthechannels.
“So,aboutyourgirl…”Quansaid.“Howlongyoubeenseeingher?”
Michaeltookalongdragfromhisbottle.Heneededtobebuzzedifhewasgoingtotalkaboutthis.“Stella’snotreally‘mygirl.’It’sonlybeenafewweeks.”
“Whatever,man,you’vegotseriouspussymojo.Ifyouwantagirl,she’syours.”
Michaelsnortedanddrankmore.“Idon’twantagirlwholikesmejustbecauseIfuckherright.”
Hewantedagirlwholikedhimforhim.
“You’resofullofshit.”Quanswappedhisemptybowlforhisbeerandtookaswig.“Shealmostcriedwhenthatblondeplasteredherselftoyourface.She’sintoyou.”
Michael’sheartthreatenedallsortsofdramaticgymnasticsathiscousin’swords,andhegavehimselfasternmentalshakeashestaredintohisbeerbottle.Itprobablywasn’twhathethought.Heshouldn’tjumptoconclusions.“That’scool.”
“That’scool?”Quanarchedaneyebrow.“You’renotinseventhgradeanymore.Youshouldbelike,that’sawesome,man,thanksfortellingme,Ican’tseefrominsidemyass.Doyouneedsexadvice?BecauseIknowshit.”
Michaelcouldn’tstopthelaughterfromcrackingoutofhislungs.“No,I’mgoodonthesexadvice.Thanks.Butifyoueverneedsometips…”
Quanfingeredtheraisedlettersonthesideofhisbeerbottlelikehehadsomethingtosaybutwastryingtofigureouthow.PinningMichaelwithaweightedgaze,hefinallyasked,“Haveyoueverthoughtshe’skindalikeKhai?”
Michaelsmiledslightly.“Yeah,justalittle,though.”StellawasonthesociallyawkwardsidelikeKhai,butshewasfarmoreexpressiveandsensitive.“Whydoyouask?”
Quanarchedhiseyebrowsanddrankhisbeer.“Noreason.”Afteramomentofconsideration,hepointedhisbottleatMichael.“Sohaveyoutwo…youknow?”
Michaeltookalongdragofbeer.“Nope.”
“Really?”Quangrimaced.“Issheavirgin?Shit,isshesavingitformarriage?Runlikemymomisafteryou.”
Michaelshrugged.“Sheneedsmetogoslow.Idon’tmind.Ikindalikeit.”EverynewresponseheearnedfromStellafeltspecial,justlikeintheoldeBaycommercials.It’sbetterwhenyouwinit.Maybebecauseithadalwaysbeensoeasyforhimbefore.
“Fuckingliar.You’reprobablyjackingofftentimesaday.”
“Ididn’tsayIwasn’tjackingoff.”
Quanshotforwardtothefrontofthecouch.“Ohfuck,amIsittingonyourcomecushions?”
“Doyoureallywannaknow?”Michaelaskedwithasmirk.
“You’redisgusting.Youknowthat?”Quangotupandsatonthecoffeetable,brushingathimselflikehe’dbeencontaminated.
Michaellaughed,andthetwoofthemspentamomentcontemplatingtheirbeers.
Whenhecouldn’tholdbackanylonger,Michaelasked,“WhatdidyouthinkofStella?Didyoulikeher?”Hebracedhimselffortheanswer,realizinghecaredabouthiscousin’sopinion.
Howstupidwasthat?EvenifhedidacceptStella’sproposal,he’donlybeherpracticeboyfriend.Theirpracticerelationshipwouldendassoonasshegainedtheconfidencetoenterarealrelationshipwithsomeonebetter.
“Yeah,she’scute,alotsweeterthanthegirlsyouusedtogofor.Yourmomisgoingtogonutsoverher.”
Michaeldownedtherestofhisbeer.Notfuckinglikely.They’dhavetomeetfirst,andhecouldn’tseethathappening.
“What’sherlastname?Stellawhat?”Quanaskedashepulledouthisphone.
“Why?”
“IwannaseeifshehasaLinkedInprofile.Idothiswitheveryguymysisterdates.Aren’tyoucurious?”
Yeah,hewascurious.“Lane,StellaLane.”
???
ApersistentbuzzingdraggedStellaoutofyetanotherheatedMichaeldream.Forthisentirepastweek,shehadn’tbeenabletostopthinkingabouthim.
Atwork,shetriedtofocusonherdata,butthewordsandnumbersturnedintobodypartsthatfittogetherinfascinatingways.Shefantasizedabouthishands,hismouth,hissmile,hiseyes,hiswords,hislaugh,hispresence
Whensheslept,dreamsofMichaelplaguedher,sointensethecravingofherbodywokeheratoddhoursofthenight.
LastFridayhadtippedherovertheline.Therewasnodoubtaboutit.
StellawasofficiallyobsessedwithMichael.
Andtheymightneverseeeachotheragain.ItwasFridaynow,andhestillhadn’ttextedorcalled.Wasthisoneofthosesituationswherenonewsmeantno?Herheartsank,andherlimbswentheavywithsadness.
Theinfernalbuzzingcontinued,distractingher.Shegropedatthenightstanduntilshelocatedherphone.Squintingatthescreen,shesawitwasherhousekeeper.
Shecoughedtoclearherthroatofthesoundofhotdreamsex.“Hello?”
“Ms.Lane,Ican’tmakeittoday.Mydaughterissick,andthedaycarewon’ttakeher.”
“Oh,that’sfine.Thanksforcalling.Ihopeshegetsbettersoon.”
“CanImakeitupnextweek?”
“Sure,noproblem.”Sheglancedattheclock,andherheartalmoststopped.Itwasjustshortofeighto’clock.Shewasusuallysittingatherdeskbynow.
She’dalmosthittheendbuttonwhensheheardherhousekeepersay,“Oh,Ms.Lane,you’llwanttotakeyourclothestothedrycleanerssinceIcan’tdoit.”
“Oh,allright.Thanksforremindingme.”
“Noproblem.Good-bye.”
Stellaconsideredskippingthedrycleaners.Notonlydidshenotknowwhichonesheused,shedidn’tliketheideaofruininghermorningroutinebyaddinganextrastep.Itwas…irritatingandanxiety-causing.Newplace.Newpeople.Andafterthedisasterattheclub,hertolerancefornewthingswasatanall-timelow.
Intheend,itwastheideaofhavingthewrongnumberofskirtsandshirtshanginginherclosetthathadherperusingYelpfornearbydrycleaners.Shesettledonanestablishmentthatwasrankedabovealltheotherseventhoughitwasalittleoutoftheway.
Offroutineandharriedfortime—herbosswouldprobablycallthepolicewhenhedidn’tseeherintheofficefirstthing—shedroveeastdownElCaminoReal,leavingPaloAltoandenteringMountainView.Afteraboutfiveminutes,sheturnedintotheparkinglotofasmallstripmallwithwell-maintainedwoodenshinglesidingandoaktreesalongthefrontsidewalk.Old-fashionedsignslabeledacoffeeshop,amartialartsstudio,asandwichplace,andParisDryCleaningandTailors.
Sheloopedherpurseandbagofclothesoverhershoulderandclickedovertheasphalttowardthedrycleaners.Atinyoldladywithahunchedback,chipmunkcheeks,andsunkenlipsstoodbeforethedoors.Apaisleyscarfhadbeenfoldedalongthediagonal,wrappedaroundherhead,andtiedbeneathherchin.ShewasquitepossiblythecutestgrownhumanStellahadeverseen.
Sheheldamassivepairoflawnshearsinhergnarledhands,brandishingthemineffectuallyattheoaktreeinfrontofthestore.
WhenStellahalted,bewilderedandamazedbythesight,theoldladyflippedtheshearsaroundwithadangerousswingingmotion,nearlyslicingherownlegoffintheprocess,andofferedthehandlestoher.ShepointedatStellaandthenthetree.
Stellalookedoverhershoulder,but,asshe’dsuspected,theoldladytrulymeanther.“Idon’tthinkIshould…”
Theoldladypointedatalowbranchonthetree.“Cut.”
Stellasearchedabouttheparkinglot,buttherewasn’tanyoneelsehere.Shesteppedontothesidewalkandtookthegiantandveryheavyshearsfromthelady.Thesethingswerealawsuitwaitingtohappen.“Maybeweshouldcallthelandscapingcompany.They’dprobablybehappytosendsomeone…”
Theoldladyshookherhead.Onceagain,shepointedatStella’schestandthenthetree.“Cut.”
“Cutthis?”Sheindicatedthelowbranchwiththetipoftheshears.
“Mmmmm.”Theoldladynoddedenthusiastically,herblackeyesshiningwithinherwrinkledface.
ItappearedStellahadnochoice.Ifshedidn’tdoit,shefearedtheoldladywouldtrydoingitherselfandmortallywoundherselfintheprocess.Howshemanagedtoholdtheshearswithoutslippingallthediscsinherspinewasamystery.
Movingawkwardlyinherhighheelswithherbagsoverhershoulderandenormousshearsinherhands,shepreparedtostepintothelandscapingatthebaseofthetreesoshecouldgetnearenoughtocutthebranchdown.
“Nonononono.”
Stellafrozewithonefootintheair,herhearthoppingaroundherchestlikeaMexicanjumpingbean.
Theoldladypointedatthelandscaping,which,nowthatshelookedmoreclosely,wasnotlandscapingatall.Itlookedlike…anherbgarden.
Teetering,Stelladroppedherfootinthedirtbetweenplants.
“Mmmmm,”theoldladymurmuredbeforepointingatthebranchagain.“Youcut.”
Throughamiracleoradrenaline-inducedsuperhumanstrength,Stellaliftedtheshearsaboveherhead,wedgedthemaroundthebaseofthesmallbranch,andsnippeditfree.Thebranchfellontothecementsidewalklikeafelledbird.Whentheoldladysetahandonherkneeandpreparedtobendovertoretrieveit,Stellahurriedawayfromthetreeandgrabbeditforher.
TheoldladysmiledasshetookthebranchandpattedStella’sshoulder.ThensheeyedStella’slaundrybag,pulledthelipopensoshecouldpeerinside,andplacedherhandonthestrap,steeringStellatowardthefrontdoorsofthedrycleaners.Theoldladypushedtheglassdooropenwithsurprisingstrength.AfterStellaentered,theoldlady
Stellagazedabout,takinginthetwoheadlessmannequinsinthewindowdisplaywhomodeledapreciselyconstructedblacktuxandaform-fittinglaceweddinggown.Theinteriorofthestorewascalmingblue-graywalls,softwhitedrapingcurtains,andlotsofnaturallight
Afittingwasgoingoninanadjacentroom.Arespectable-lookingmatroninasleevelesswhitejumpsuitstoodonaraisedplatformbeforeatrifoldofmirrors.
Stellawentnumbwithastonishment.
Atthewoman’sfeetkneeledMichael.
HeworeloosejeansandaplainwhiteT-shirtthatstretchedaroundhisbiceps,lookingwholesomeandbeautifulandcompletelyathome.Ameasuringtapeloopedbehindhisneckanddangleddownhischest,andhissculptedwristsportedasmallpincushion,repletewithdozensofprotrudingpins.Balancedoverhisrightearwasabluechalkpencil.
“Whatkindofheelsareyouplanningtowearwiththis?”heasked.
“Iwasplanningonthese,actually.”Theladypulledherpantleguptorevealregularwhitepumps.
“Youshouldgoopentoe,Margie.Andoneinchhigher.”
Margie’slipsthinned,andsheangledherfoot,turneditsidetoside.Afteramoment,shenodded.“You’reright.Ihavejustthepair.”
“I’mgoingtoaddanotherinchtothehem,then.Howdoesthewaistfeel?”
“It’stoocomfortable.”
“Ifiguredyouplannedtoeatinthis.”
“Mytailorthinksofeverything.”Shepivotedandstaredattheprofileofherpinned-upwaistlineinthemirrors.
Michaelrolledhiseyes,buthesmiled.“Rememberthelipstick.”
“Yes,yes,howcouldIforget?Fire-enginered.You’llhavethisreadybynextFriday?”
“Yeah,it’llbeready.”
“Excellent.”
Sheslinkedofftoachangingroominthejumpsuit,andMichaelpickedupafloralprintgarmentthathadbeendrapedoverthebackofachair.Headjustedthepinsandsnatchedthechalkpencilfromabovehiseartomarkthefabric,hiseyesfocusedandhishandscompetent.
InsideStella’smind,missingpiecesclickedintoplace.ThiswasMichaelinhisnaturalstate.Thiswaswhathedidwhenhewasn’tescorting.Michaelwasatailor.
Heshookthegarmentoutanddrapeditoverhisarmbeforeturningtoretrieveyetanotherpin-strewnpiece.
Catchingsightofherfromhisperipheralvision,hesaid,“I’llbewithyouinasec—”Hiseyeslockedonhers,andhisfacewentslack.
Hefroze.
Shefroze.
“Howdidyou…?”Heglancedoutthefrontwindowslikemaybehe’dfindtheanswertohisunfinishedquestionoutside.
Herheartpitter-pattered.Thishadtolookreallybad—stalkerbad.Notfair,notfair.She’donlyjustrealizedshewasobsessedwithhimtoday.Shehadn’thadtimetostalkhimlikeafanatic.Now,she’dcostherselfwhateverslimchanceshe’dhadatafull-timearrangement.
Shebackedupastep.“I’llgo.”
Hestrodequicklyacrosstheroomandcaughtherhandbeforeshecouldleave.“Stella…”
Herwholearmjumpedinresponsetohistouch,andshewantedtocry.“Ijustneededmyclothesdry-cleaned.Ididn’tknowyouworkedhere.I-I’mnotstalking.Iknowitlooksbad.”
Hisexpressionsoftened.“Itactuallylookslikeyouhaveclothesinneedofdrycleaning.”Heliftedthebagofclothesfromhershoulder.“Letmeringyouup.”
Hetookherthingstothefrontcounterandbegancountingshirtswithprofessionalefficiency.Hischeeks,however,wereunusuallypink.
“Isthisawkward?”sheasked,hatingthatshewasmakinghimuncomfortable.
“Alittle.Believeitornot,thisisthefirsttimeI’verunintoaclienthere.Sevenshirts.I’massumingsevenskirts,too.”Hecountedthemoutintoaseparatepileandsearchedherface.“Doyouworkeveryday?”
Shenoddedjerkily.“Iprefertheofficeontheweekends.”
Hismouthtiltedupatthecorner.“Youwould.”Therewasnojudgmentfromhim,nocriticism,noadvicethatitwasbadforherhealthandhersociallife.Hedidn’tthinktherewassomethingwrongwithher.Stellawantedtoleapoverthecounterandthrowherselfintohisarms.
Hebegantosetthelaundrybagasidewhenhenoticedtherewasstillsomethinginside.Asheupendedit,thebluedresstumbledout.
Hiseyesliftedtohersandsmoldered.
Stellagrippedthecounterasicecreammemoriesflickeredthroughherhead.Chilledsilkenlips,mintchocolatechip,andthetasteofhismouth.Unhurriedkissesinaroomfullofpeople.
“Doyouhaveanyspecialdirectionsforyourclothes?”heaskedinaroughvoice.
Blinkingawayhermemories,sheforcedhermindintothepresent.“Nostarch.Idon’tlikethefeelofiton—”
“Yourskin,”hefinished,runninghisthumboverthebackofherhand.
Shenoddedandsearchedforsomethingtosay.Hergazelandedonthebluecocktaildress.“IboughtthisdressbecauseIlikedthecolorandthefabric.”Withitscrispsilktextureandstructure,itmusthavecomplementedMichael’sgorgeoussuitnicely…“Thesuit,”shewhispered.“Didyoumakeit?”
Hiseyelashessweptdownward,andaboyishgrincoveredhisface.“Yeah.”
Hermouthfellopen.Ifhecoulddothat,thenwhyintheworldwasheescorting?
“Mygrandfatherwasatailor.Apparently,itrunsinmyblood.Ilikemakingclothes.”
“Wouldyoumakeclothesforme?”
“You’dhavetostandstillforalongtime.It’snotsexy.Wouldyoureallywantthat?”Histonewasmatter-of-fact,butthelookinhiseyeswasnot.IttookStellaamomentbeforesherealizeditwasvulnerability.
WasitpossibleMichaeldidn’tthinksomeonecouldbeinterestedinhimformorethanhisbody?
“I’vehadclothesmadeformebefore,remember?Iknowwhatit’slike.It’sworthittome.You’retalented.Iwantyourdesigns.”
“That’sright.Iforgot.”Thatboyishgrinflashedagain,lookingalmostshy,andshewantedtowrapherselfaroundhimandholdhimforever.
“I’vebeenexpectingnewsfromyou,”shewhispered.
Hissmilefadedashisexpressionwentserious.“Ineededtothinkaboutit.”
“Areyouacceptingmyproposal?”Pleasedon’tsayno.
“Areyousureyoustillwanttoissueit?”
“Ofcourse.”Shecouldn’tthinkofasinglereasonwhyshewouldhavechangedhermind.
“Nosex?”
Shetookabreathandnodded.“That’sright.”
Leaningforward,heaskedinalowvoice,“Soyoucanbesurethenextmantokissyouortouchyouonlydoesitbecausehewantsto?”
“Y-yes.”Sheleanedtowardhimassheanticipatedhisanswer,almostafraidtoexhale.
“Iaccept.”
Shesmiledindizzyingrelief.“Thank—”
Hetippedherfaceupwardwithahandonherjawandkissedher.Electricsensationcrackledthroughher.Ifitweren’tforthecounter,shewouldhavefallen.Athermurmur,hedeepenedthekiss,takinghermouthwithhistongueinthesamewayshewantedhimto—
Thedoorbehindthecounteropened,andsomeonemarchedout.
Theytoreapartlikeguiltyteenagers.Michaelclearedhisthroatandbusiedhimselfwiththeclothesonthecounter.Stellapursedherlips,tastedMichaelonherskin,andwipedthemoistureawaywiththebackofherhand.
Fromthelookontheolderwoman’sface,she’dseeneverything…andwascurious.Round-lensedglassesperchedonthetopofherheadatagravity-defyingangle,andherblackhairwaspulledbackinaponytail,thoughseveralstrandsstoodoutinbusydisarray.Sheworeahound’s-toothsweaterandgreenplaidpants.LikeMichael,sheworeameasuringtapearoundherneck.
Thewomanheldoutadeconstructedgarmentandpointedtoasectionofaseam.Thetwoofthemproceededtospeakinarapid,tonallanguagethathadtobeVietnamese.
Ashebentoverthegarmentwiththatsexythinkinglookonhisface,thewomanaimedadistractedsmileatStellaandpattedMichael’sarm.“Itaughthimwhenhewaslittle,andnowheteachesmeback.”
Stellaekedoutasmile.Hadhismotherjustcaughtthemkissing?Shetriedtofindsimilaritiesbetweenthem,butnothingstuckout.Michael’sfacialfeatureswereastrikingbalanceofeasternedgesandwesternangles.Broadshouldered,thick,andvital,hetoweredoverthepetitewoman.
Stellapushedherglassesupandsmoothedherhandsoverherskirt,wishingshehadawhitelabcoatandastethoscope.
Ontheothersideoftheopenbackdoor,racksofin-processclothesandvariouscommercialsewingmachinesclutteredalargeworkspace.Amechanizedcircularrackcarryingclothesinplasticwrapoccupiedthefarleftsideoftheroom,andcountlessspoolsofthreadineveryshadeimaginablelinedthewalls.Thelittleoldladyfromearliersatonaworncouchintherightcorner,watchingmutedtelevisiononanancientCRT.Thelawnshearswerenowhereinsight.
“Whatdoyoudoforaliving?Areyouadoctor?”thewomanaskedwithill-disguisedhope.
“No,I’maneconometrician.”Stellalinkedherfingerstogetherandstaredatthetipsofhershoes,awaitingdisappointment.
“Isthateconomics?”
Stella’seyesdartedbackupinsurprise.“Yes,itis,butwithmoremath.”
“HasyourgirlfriendmetJanieyet?”sheaskedMichael.
Michaellookedupfromhisgarment,hisexpressionworried.“Mom,no,shehasn’tmetJanie,andsheisn’tmy—”Hestoppedspeaking,andhisgazejumpedfromhismomtoStella.
Hisdilemmawasperfectlyclear.Whatdidtheycalloneanotherinpublicsituationsnow?
“She’snotwhat?”hismomaskedinconfusion.
Heclearedhisthroatashefocusedonthegarmentinhishands.“Shehasn’tmetJanie.”
WarmthsplashedatStella’sbodyinunexpectedwaves.Hedidn’tcorrecthismom.Didthatmeantheyweregoingbyboyfriendandgirlfriendinpublicsituations?
AdesperateyearninggrippedStella,surprisingherinitsintensity.
“Who’sJanie?”Stellamanagedtoask.Sherememberedthatnamefrombefore.
“Janieishissister.”Therewasathinkingslanttohismom’seyesbeforeshebrightenedandsaid,“Youshouldcometoourhousefordinnertonight.TalktoJanieabouteconomics,ah?She’sstudyingthatatStanfordandistryingtogetajob.Hisothersisterswillwanttomeetyou,too.Wedidn’tknowhehadanewgirlfriend.”
Hismom’swordsswampedwhatevergiddinessshe’dexperiencedfrombeingcalledMichael’sgirlfriend.House.Dinner.Sisters.Thewordsrattledaroundinherhead,refusingtomakesense.
“Justcome,ah?Evenifyoutwohaveplans,youstillhavetoeat.Michaelcanmakebún.Hisbúnisverygood…Iforgottoask.Whatisyourname?”
Dazed,shesaid,“Stella,StellaLane.”
“CallmeM?.”Itsoundedlikemeh,butwithanunusualtonaldipinthemiddle.
“M??”Stellarepeated.
Hismothersmiledherapproval.“Don’teatanythingbeforeyoucome,ah?Wehavelotsoffood.”Withthat,shebrushedherhandstogetherlikebusinesswassettled,filledouttheinvoiceslipforStella’sclothes,andhandedittoher.“ThiswillbereadyTuesdaymorning.”
Inastateofpanic,Stellastuffedtheslipintoherpurse,murmuredaquietthank-you,andwalkedouttohercar,passingbyhisgrandmother’sherbgarden—atleast,sheassumedtheoldladywashisgrandmother.Asshesatdowninthedriver’sseat,hismom’swordsrepeatedinherhead.
House.Dinner.Sisters.
ThefrontdoorswungopenandMichaeljoggedtoherside.Sheopenedthewindow,andheproppedhishandsonthesideofthecar.“Youdon’thavetocomeifyoudon’twantto.”Anotchformedbetweenhiseyebrowsashehesitated.“Butmaybe…”
“Maybewhat?”sheheardherselfask.
“Maybeit’sthekindofpracticeyouwanted.”
“You’dletmepracticewithyourfamily?”Thefactthathetrustedherwiththeimportantpeopleinhislifetouchedherinwaysshedidn’tunderstand,madeherfeeloff-kilter.Thatyearningfromearlierreturned.
“Wouldyoubegoodtothem?”heaskedwithasearchinggaze.
“Yes,ofcourse.”Shealwaysstrovetobegoodtopeople.
“Andkeepourarrangementbetweenus?Theydon’tknowabout…whatIdo.”
Shenodded.Thatwentwithoutsaying.
“ThenI’mokaywithit.Ifyouwantto.Doyou?”
“Yes,Ido.”Butnotbecauseshewantedpractice.
“Let’sdoit,then.”Hiseyesfelltoherlips.“Comecloser.”
Sheleanedtowardhimbutglancedatthefrontoftheshop.“Shemightbewatch—”
Hepressedasoftkisstohermouth.Justone.Andhepulledaway.“Seeyoutonight.”{CHAP+ER}
13
WhenMichaelwalkedbackintotheshop,hismomwaswatchinghimwithherarmscrossed.Throughthedisplaywindow,shehadaclearviewofStella’swhiteTeslaasitbackedoutoftheparkinglot.Hewascertainshe’dwatchedthekiss.Thatwaswhyhe’dmadeitsoshortwhenwhathe’dreallywantedtodowaskissStellauntilhereyesglazedover.
Shehadhisbodytiedupinsomanyknots,hecouldbarelyseestraight,letalonethink,andshe’dcaughthimoffguardhereintheshop.Thathadtobewhyhe’dacceptedherproposalwhenhe’dalreadyconvincedhimselftodotherightthingandturnherdown.Shehadn’tteasedhim,andshehadn’tlaughed.Instead,she’dbeenimpressedwithhisworkandwithhim—therealhim.Noonewantedtherealhim.OnlyStella.Inthatmomentofweakness,he’drecklesslytossedhisreservationsaside.He’dsaidyesfornootherreasonthanhewantedtobewithher.
Butnoweverythingwasspiralingoutofcontrol.Lineswereblurring,andhecouldn’tdistinguishhisprofessionallifefromhispersonallife.Hemightnotevenwantto.HismomthoughtStellawashisforreal,andhelikedthatwaytoomuchforhisowncomfort.Sayingyeshadbeenagiantmistake.Healreadyregretteditandfelthowwrongitwas,evenifhewasn’tentirelysurewhy.Butitwastoolatenow.Itwasjustamonth.Hewasaprofessional.Hecouldhandleamonth.
“Stel-la,”hismomsaid,likeshewastestingoutthesoundofthename.
MichaelgatheredupStella’sclothesandheadedintotheworkarea.
Shefollowedrightbehindhim.“Ilikehermuchbetterthanthatstripperyoudatedthreeyearsago.”
“Shewasadancer.”Okay,yeah,she’dalsobeenastripper.He’dbeenyoung,andshe’dhadanawesomebodyandallthosepolemoves.
“ThatoneleftherdirtyunderwearinacupformetofindwhenIcameover.”
Michaelrubbedthebackofhisneck.Evenafterthreeyearsofescorting,hestilldidn’tunderstandthestrangepowergamesthathappenedbetweenwomen.“Ibrokeupwithher.”
Ithadjustbeenaboutthesexanyway.Hisdadwasacheater,andratherthancommitandhurtpeople,Michaelhadspenthisearlytwentieskeepingthingsimpersonal.Tobehonest,ithadbeenalotoffun,andhe’dgonealittlecrazy,prettymuchfuckinganyonewhoshowedinterest.Hismemoriesofthetimewerearainbowhazeofwomen’sunderwear
Whendisasterhitandheneededmoney,he’dthought,whynotgetmoneyforit?Inhispreviouslineofwork,he’ddealtwithlotsofwealthyolderwomenwhopropositionedhimfromtimetotime.Allhe’dhadtodowasaccept.Plus,itwastheperfectslapinthefacetohisdad—thereasonforthedisasterinthefirstplace.
“ThatwasanexpensivecarStelladrove,”hismomnoted.
Michaelshrugged,putStella’sclotheswiththeotheritemsthatneededtobesentoutfordrycleaning,andseatedhimselfathissewingmachine.
InVietnamese,hismomsaid,“Shereallylikesyou.Icantellthesethings.”
“Wholikeshim?”Ngo?ipipedupfromherplaceinfrontoftheTVwhereshewasinthemiddleofwatchingReturnoftheCondorHeroesforthemillionthtime—theoldonestarringAndyLauwherethekung-fu-fightingcondorwasamaninagiantbirdsuit.
“Acustomer,”hismomanswered.
“Theoneinthegrayskirt?”
“Yousawher?”
“Mmmm,IhadmyeyeonherfromthefirstsecondIsawher.She’sagoodgirl.Michaelshouldmarryher.”
“I’mrighthere,”Michaelsaid.“AndI’mnotmarryinganyone.”Thatwasn’tanoptionwhenhehadtoescort.Hecouldstillrememberallthetimeswhenhisdadhadleftduringhischildhood,thewayhismomcriedherselftosleep,thewayshefellapartbutstillstayedstrongforMichaelandhissistersandnevermissedadayofwork.Michaelwouldneverhurtawomanbycheating.Never.
NotthatStellawouldeverwanttomarryhim.Whythehellwashethinkingaboutthisanyway?They’dbeenonthreedates.No,notdates.Sessions.Appointments.Theywereinapracticerelationship.Thiswasn’treal.
“DidIraiseyoutogokissingpeople’sdaughterslikethatifyou’renotgoingtomarrythem?”hismomasked.
Hestaredupattheceilinginfrustration.“No.”
“She’sgoodenoughforyou,Michael.”
Ridiculous.Likehewassomekindofrareprize.
Ngo?immmmedheragreement.“Andpretty,too.”
Michaelsmiledthen.Stellawaspretty,andshedidn’tknowit.Shewasalsosmart,sweet,caring,brave,and—
Hismomlaughedandpointedathim.“Lookatyourface.Don’ttrytotellmeyoudon’tlikeher.It’sclearasday.I’mgladyoufinallygotsomegoodtasteinwomen.Keepthisone.”
Ngo?immmmed.
Michael’ssmilefrozeinplace.Theywereright.HedidlikeStella,andhewishedhedidn’t.Heknewhedidn’tgettokeepher.
???
StellaparkedattheaddressMichaelhadtextedherandworriedtheflowersandchocolatesshe’dbroughtwereentirelythewrongthingtobring.AGooglesearchofVietnameseetiquettehadtoldhershereallyneededtobringsomething,thoughtherecommendationsonactualgiftshadbeenmixedandconfusing,rangingfromfruittoteatoalcohol.Theoverallconsensusappearedtobethatediblewasbest.Thus,theGodivachocolatesinherpassengerseat.
Butwhatiftheydidn’tlikechocolate?
She’dbeentemptedtoaskMichael,buthedidn’tneedtoknowhowneuroticshewasorhowbigofadealmeetingnewpeoplewasforher.Andtheseweren’tjustanypeople.ThesewereMichael’sfamily,importantpeople,andshewantedtogiveagoodimpression.
Towardthatend,she’dspentthedaydevisingconversationtreesinherheadsoshecouldminimizetheneedforsocialimprovising,whichoftenendedbadlyforher.Ifshewasaskedwhatshedid,shehadaquickexplanationandfollow-upquestionsready.Iftheyaskedaboutherhobbiesandinterests,shewasprepared.Iftheyaskedhowshe’dmetMichael,she’dmakehimexplain.Shewasaterribleliar.
Forseveralstomach-twistingmoments,sheranthroughherlistofpresocializationreminders:thinkbeforeyoutalk(anythingandeverythingcanbeaninsulttosomeone;whenindoubt,saynothing),benice,sittingonyourhandspreventsfidgetingandfeelsgood,makeeyecontact,smile(noteeth,that’sscary),don’tstartthinkingaboutwork,don’tletyourselftalkaboutwork(noonewantstohearaboutit),pleaseandthankyou,apologizewithfeeling.
Grabbingthebouquetofgerberadaisiesanddarkchocolatetruffles,shegotoutofhercarandstaredatthetwo-storyEastPaloAltohouse.Whenshe’dfirstmovedherefiveyearsago,thisareahadbeentheghetto.WithSiliconValley’scontinuedexpansionandsuccess,EastPaloAltolandvalueshadskyrocketed.Allofthehomesnearbywerenowmillion-dollarrealestate—eventhismodestlittlegrayhousewithitscrackedcementdrivewayandscragglylandscapingthat,uponcloserinspection,consistedofthriving,knee-highherbs.
Asshewalkedtowardthefrontdoorwherefliesandmothsbuzzedaroundthebrightporchlight,sheranapalmoverthescratchytopsoftheplants,appreciatingthefreshsmell.ShelovedthatGrandmalikedtokeepbusy.
Shepressedonthedoorbellbuttonandwaited.Noonecame.Hergutknotted.
Sheknocked.
Nothing.
Sheknockedlouder.
Stillnothing.
Sheconfirmedtheaddressonherphone.Thiswastherightplace.Michael’sM3wasevenparkedinthedriveway.Beforeshecoulddriveherselfcrazydecidingwhattodo,thedooropened.
Michaelsmiledather.“Rightontime.”
Shetightenedhergriponthestuffshe’dbrought,basicallyhavinganinternalmeltdownofuncertainty.“Idon’tknowifIgottherightthings.”
Heunloadedtheflowersandchocolatefromherhandswithanoddexpressiononhisface.“Youdidn’thavetobringanything.Really.”
Panicsurged.“Oh,Icantakethemback.Letmeputthem—”
Hesettheitemsonasidetableandstrokedathumboverhercheek.“Mymomwilllovethem.Thankyou.”
Shereleasedalongbreath.“Whathappensnow?”
Thecornerofhismouthkickedup.“Ithinktheusualgreetingisahug.”
“Oh.”Sheheldherhandsoutawkwardlyandsteppedtowardhim,certainshewasdoingeverythingwrong.
Untilhisarmswrappedaroundher,andhepulledherclose.Hisscent,hiswarmth,andhissolidnesssurroundedher.Thatwasonehundredpercentright.
Hepulledawaywithasoftlookinhiseyes.“Ready?”
Athernod,heusheredherthroughamarble-tiledentryway,pastaformaldiningarea,andintoakitchenthatwasopentoanadjoiningfamilyroom.ThemassiveboxyTVintheroomgrabbedherattention.AmanandawomanintraditionalChineseoperaattiretookturnswarblingoutsimilarseriesofnotes.Afteraparticularlyimpassionediteration,Michael’sgrandmaclapped.Sittingnexttoheratthekitchentable,hismompausedintheprocessofpeelingmangoestovoiceherappreciation.
WhenshenoticedStellaandMichael,hismomwavedwithherpeeler.“Hello.Weeatsoon.”
Stellaworkedupasmileandawave.Bracingherselfforaneveningofnerve-rackingsocialperformance,sheapproachedthemandasked,“CanIhelp?”
AwidesmilestretchedoverMichael’smom’sface,andshesetherpeelerandtheplateshe’dusedtogathermangopeelsinfrontoftheemptychairtoherleft.WhenStellaunbuttonedhercuffs,Michaelflashedheragrinandturnedonthegasrange.
Asshewashedherhandsinthekitchensink,shewatchedhimheatalargewok,pouroilin,andaddingredientsinthecareless,yetsomehowintentionalmannerofsomeonewhoknewhowtocook.Bythetimeshesatdownnexttohismom,theairwasheavywiththescentsofbarbecuingbeef,garlic,lemongrass,andfishsauce.He’drolledhissleevesuptohiselbows,andshecouldn’thelpadmiringhissculptedforearmsashestirredthecontentsofthewok.
Ittookefforttoredirectherattentiontothemango,andshe’djustbeguntopeelthelargefruithismomhadhandedherwhenthetinklingofapianoinanotherroomcaughtherattention.Theopeningnotesof“FürElise”clashedwiththevibratotrillingfromtheTV,andStellablinkedasthesoundstoreherheadinmultipledirections,makingitdifficulttothink.
“That’sJanieplaying,”hismomsaid.“She’sgood,ah?”
Stellanoddeddistractedly.“Sheis.Thepiano’soutoftune,though.EspeciallythebassA.”Everytimethatflatnoterang,shewincedinside.“Youshouldgetittuned.It’sbadforthepianotoleaveituntunedtoolong.”
Hismom’sbrowsroseininterest.“Doyouknowhowtotunepianos?”
“No.”Shelaughed.TheideaoftryingtotuneherSteinwayherselfwasludicrous.She’dprobablydestroytheinstrumentwithherbungling.“Youshouldnevertuneyourpianoyourself.”
“Michael’sdadusedtotuneours,”hismomsaidwithafrownasshefocusedoncuttingthegiantseedfromherpeeledmango.“Hedidagoodjob.Hesaiditwasawasteofmoneywhenheknewhow.”
“Whereishe?Whencanhefixit?”
Hismompushedawayfromthetablewithatightsmile.“Ihavesomethingforyoutotry.Letmeheatitup.”
WhileMichael’smomduginthefridge,hisgrandmapointedtothebowlofalreadyslicedmango.Stelladutifullypluckedasmallslicefromthebowlandateit,enjoyingthesweettangofthefruit.Hisgrandmammmmedandreturnedtopeelinghermango.
Stellareleasedasmallbreathasherstomachrelaxed.ShelikedsittingwithGrandmamostofall.Thelanguagebarriermadeconversationnexttoimpossible,andthatwasperfectlyfinewithStella.“FürElise”ended,andthetensioninherheadeasedasthesourcesofsounddroppedfromtwotoone.
Ayoungishsisterinjeans,aT-shirt,andamessyponytailfloppedintothekitchen,pickedabeansproutfromacolanderonthecenterisland,andpoppeditinhermouth.WhenshenoticedStella,shewaved.“Stella,right?I’mJanie.”Shepluckedanotherbeansproutfromthecolander,buthermomslappedthebackofherhand,andsheyankedherhandbackwithayelp.HermomstuckacontainerinthemicrowaveandshooedhertowardthetablewithafasttorrentofVietnamese.
Janiesatacrossfromherwithaneasygrinthatwashigherononeside—Michael’sgrin.“SohowdoyouliketheVietnameseopera?”
Stellaliftedhershoulderinanoncommittalway.
Janielaughedandatealargemangoslice.“Thatgood,huh?”
BeforeStellacouldthinkuparesponse,Michael’smomsetaplasticcontaineronthetableandopenedthelid.Steamrosefromalightgreenspongycake.“Eat,ah?Bánhbò.It’sverygood.”
Stellasetherpeelerandfruitdownandstretchedahandtowardthecontainerwhenshenoticeditwascheapplastic,likethekindtakeoutcamein.“Youshouldn’tmicrowavethesekindsofcontainers.ThefoodprobablyhasBPAinitnow.”ItwasbasicallypoisonasfarasStellawasconcerned.
Hismompulledthecontainercloseandsmelledthecake.“No,it’sfine.NoBPA.”
“GlassorPyrexaremoreexpensive,butthey’resafe,”Stellasaid.HowhadnoonetoldMichael’smomthis?Didtheywanthertogetsick?
“Iusetheseallthetime,andnoproblem.”Blinkingrapidly,hismomheldthelidofthecontainertoherchest.
“Youwouldn’tnoticerightaway.It’srepeatedexposureovertime.Youshouldreallyinvest—”
Janiesnatchedtheplasticcontainerfromhermomandstuffedapieceofgreenpoisoncakeintohermouth.“Thesearemyfavorite.Ilovethem.”SendingStellaapointedlook,Janiehadasecondone.
Michaelmarchedtothetableandtookthecontainerfromhissisterbeforeshecouldeatathirdpiece.“It’strue,M?.Thesecontainersreallyarebad.Ineverthoughtaboutit.Youshouldn’tusethem.”
Whenhetosseditinthegarbage,hismomprotestedinVietnamese.WastheladyupsetbecauseStelladidn’twantanyonetoeatpoison?
Janiepushedawayfromthetableandleftthekitchenastwogirlsstormedinside.Theywerebothtwenty-somethingwithlongdarkbrownhair,paleolive-tonedskin,andlean,leggybuilds.IfStellahadn’talreadylearnedthehardwaythatquestionslikethisirritatedpeople,shewouldhaveaskediftheyweretwins.
“Youfatcow,whydidn’tyouaskbeforeyoutookitandspilledwineonit?Whileyouweremakingoutwithmyboyfriend?”onegirlshouted.
Stellaflinched,andheralreadyanxiousheartsqueezed.Fightingwasherabsoluteleastfavoritething.Whenpeoplefought,italwaysfeltlikeapersonalattackforher.Itdidn’tmatterifshewasjustabystander.
“Yousaidyoutwowerethrough,andIwascurious.Also,Iwouldn’thavespilledalloveritifitfitright.Who’sthefatcownow?”thesecondgirlshoutedback.
Grandmapickedupablackremoteandsquintedatthebuttons.Asverticalgreenlinescrawledacrossthescreenandthevolumeclimbed,themusicwentfromdistractingtounpleasant.
“That’sit.I’mtakingbackallthejeansIgaveyou.”ThefirstgirlshoutedevenloudertobeheardovertheTV
“Goaheadandtakethem.Showwhataselfishbitchyouare.”
Grandmamutteredandincreasedthevolumeyetagain.
Stellasetthepeelerdownwithshakyhandsandtriedtoslowherbreathing.Thiswasgettingtobetoomuch.
Twomoregirlswalkedintothekitchen.OnewasshorteranddarkerthantherestandlookedtobeaboutStella’sage.Theotheronewashighschoolyoung.Theyhadtoallbehissisters.One,two,three,four,fiveofthem.
Theshortonestabbedafingerinthetwins’direction.“Youtwoaregoingtostopfightingrightnow.”
Theyscoffedandcrossedtheirarmsinalmosttheexactsamemanner.
“EversinceyoumovedoutandleftuswithMom’sproblems,youlosttherighttosayanythingtous,”thefirstsistersaid.
Theshortsisterrolledforwardlikeatank.“Nowthatshe’sstable,it’stimeformetolivemylife,too.Trytothinkofothersforonceinyourlives.”
“Sonowwe’retheselfishones?”thesecondsisterasked.“You’reouthobnobbingatworkparties,andwe’rehomeholdingMom’shairwhileshevomitsafterherchemotreatments.”
“She’snotdoingchemorightnow…Right?”TheshortsisterlookedatMichaelforconfirmation.
HismomsnatchedtheremotefromGrandmaandmaxedoutthevolumeontheTVbeforeshewenttoputteraroundbythesink.Stellaresteddamppalmsontheglasssurfaceofthetable.Thishadtostopeventually.Shejusthadtooutlastthem.
“Shewas,butshedidn’trespondwell,sotheyswitchedhertoadrugtrial,”Michaelprovided.
“Whydidn’tanyonetellme?”
“Becauseyou’resogoddamnedbusywithyourimportantcrap,whyelse?Momdidn’twanttostressyououtmorethanyoualwaysare,”oneofthetwinssaid
“Findingoutthiswayisstressingmeoutworse.”
“Boo-hoo,Angie,”theothertwinsaid
Asthesnipingcontinued,aharshbeepingsounded,andhismomtookawhitecolanderoutofthemicrowave.Usingtongs,sheputsteamingricenoodlesintoalargebowlalongwiththebeefMichaelhadstir-friedandanassortmentofgreens.
SheplacedthebowlinfrontofStellawithapolitesmile.“Michael’sbún.You’lllikeit.”
Stella’schinbobbedonajerkynod.“Thank—”Asuspicionrose,andshesnuckaglanceatthecolander.Shepushedthebowlaway.“Thecolanderismadeofplastic.Nooneshouldeatthis.”
Hismomfroze,andatideofredsweptoverherfaceasshestaredfirstatStellaandthenthebowl.“Letmemakenewnoodles.”
Beforehismomcouldtouchthebowl,Michaelgrabbedit.“I’lldoit.Sit,M?.”Hisexpressionwasstrainedasheremovedthepoisonedfood,andStellahadthehorriblefeelingthatshe’dsaidTheWrongThing,butshedidn’tknowhowelseshecouldhavenavigatedthesituation.
HismomsatdownandeyedMichael’ssistersastheycontinuedtheirargumentinaloosesquarebytherefrigerator.Sighing,shepickedupherpeelerandresumedwhereshe’dleftoffwithherlastmango.
Stellakepthereyesonherownwork,growingmoreandmorenervouswitheverypassingmoment.Shewaspainfullyawareofthelackofconversationbetweenthem,andherinstinctsurgedhertofillthesilence—ifsilencewaseventherightword.Hismomwasn’tspeaking,buthissisterswere,andtheTVhadbeenblastingthiswholetime.Whenthepianostartedplayingagain,hernervesstretchedtothebreakingpoint.ThatflatAnoterangone,two-three,fourtimes.Hadanythingeverbeensoirritating?
“Youreallyshouldgetthepianotuned,”shesaid.“Whereisyourhusbandagain?”
Whenhismomcontinuedpeelinghermangowithoutanswering,Stellaassumedshehadn’theardthequestion.
Sosheaskedagain.“Whereishe?”
“He’sgone,”hismomsaidinafinaltone.
“Doesthatmean…he’spassedaway?”Shouldsheoffercondolences?Shewasn’tsurewhattosaynow.
Hismomsighed,keepinghereyesonhermango.“Idon’tknow.”
TheanswertrippedStellaup,andshefrownedassheasked,“Areyoudivorced,then?”
“Ican’tdivorcehimifIcan’tfindhim.”
StellastaredatMichael’smomincompletebafflement.“Whatdoyoumean,youcan’tfindhim?Washeinanaccidentor—”
Alargehandgrippedhershoulderandsqueezedwithfirmpressure.Michael.“Thenoodlesarealmostdone.Doyoueatpeanuts?”
Sheblinkedattheinterruption.“Sure,I’mnotallergic.”Whenhenoddedandwenttothekitchenisland,sherefocusedonhismom.“Howlonghashebeengone?Haveyoufiledamissing-personre—”
“Stella.”Michael’svoicesplitthroughtheair,astartlingreprimand.
Hissistersstoppedarguing,andalleyeslockedonher.HerheartpoundedlouderthantheTVandthepiano.Whathadshedone?
“Wedon’ttalkaboutmydad,”hesaid.
Thatdidn’tmakeanysense.“Butwhatifhe’shurtor—”
“Youcan’thurtsomeonewhentheydon’thaveaheart,”hismominterrupted.“Heleftusalltobewithanotherwoman.Iwanttodivorcehim,butIdon’tknowwheretosendthepapers.Hechangedhisphonenumber.”Hismompushedherchairbackandstood.“M?’stired.Youkidseat,ah?MaybegobuysomethingforMichael’sgirlfriendifshedoesn’tlikewhatwehave.”
Hismomleft,andthepianomusicendedabruptly.Hisgrandmaturnedofftheopera,leavingtheroomquietbutforthecracklingoftheTV’sstaticdischarge.Thesuddenquietnesswasarelief,butitfeltominoussomehow.Herbloodrushed,herheadthrobbed,andherbreathscameinshortgaspslikeshe’dbeenrunning.Ormaybeshewaspreparingtorun.
Janiehurriedintothekitchen.“Whatjusthappened?WhyisMomcrying?”
Nooneanswered,butsevensetsofeyesaccusedher.Itwasworsethanallthenoisefrombefore,far,farworse.
She’dmadeMichael’smomcry.
Stella’sfaceflamedwithembarrassmentandguilt,andshejumpedtoherfeet.“I’msosorry.Ineedtogo.”
Duckingherhead,shegatheredherpurseandfled.
???
MichaelstaredatthedoorwayStellahadrushedthrough,feelinglikehe’dwatchedacaraccidentinslowmotion.Amixofunholyemotioncoursedthroughhisveins.Anger,horror,shame,disbelief,shock.Whatthefuckhadjusthappened?Whatdidhedonow?Hisinstinctsurgedhimtochaseafterher.
“YoubettergocheckonMom,”Janiesaid.
Thatwasright.Hispracticegirlfriendhadjustputhismomintears.Whatagreatsonhewas.Hewenttolookforherwithoutaword.Withheavyfeetandaheavierchest,heclimbedthestairs,walkeddownthecarpetedhall,andpausedoutsidehismom’sbedroom.Thedoorwasajar,andhepeeredaroundtheedge,findinghismomsittingonherbed.Hedidn’tneedtoseeherfacetoknowshewascrying.Itwaswritteninherslumpedpostureandthewayherheadhung.
Thesightdestroyedhim.Noonegottohurthismom.Nothisdadandnothispastgirlfriends.NotevenStella.“M??”
Shedidn’tacknowledgehimasheenteredtheroomandpaddedtoherbedside.
“I’msorryaboutallthethingsshesaid.”Hetriedtokeephisvoicelow,butitcameoutunnaturallyloud.“Thepiano,thefood,Dad…”
Hedidn’tknowhowStellahadmanagedit,butinjustafewminutes,she’dfoundeverysensitivespothisfamilypossessed—theirtightfinancialsituation,hismom’slackofeducation,andhisfucked-updad—andpokedrightatthem.Accidentally.Thatwasclearasday.
Holyshit,shewasbadwithpeople.He’dhadnoideahowbaduntiltonight.Whenitwasjustthetwoofthem,itwasn’tlikethis.
Hismomgrabbedhishand.“Doyouthinkyourdadisokay?”
“I’msurehe’sfine.”HislipstwistedasheimaginedhisoldmanloungingonayachtintheCaribbeannexttohislatestwife.
“CanyouemailhimforM??”
“No.”Hewasnevertalkingtohisdadagain.
Hismomtookaraggedbreathandcoveredherface.“YourStellawasright.Hecouldbehurt.He’ssoevilnoonewouldcaretohelphim,certainlynothisnewwoman.She’sonlywithhimaslongasthemoneylasts.”
Hefistedhishandsasafamiliarragethreadedthroughhismuscles.“Thatamountofmoneyshouldlastalongtime.”
“Notthewayhespends.Hethinkshe’sabigshot.Nothingwasevergoodenoughforhim,remember?”
Notthisagain.
Michaelclenchedhisjawashismomlaunchedintoanotherretellingofastoryhe’dheardathousandtimes.Hesatdownnexttoherandlistenedwithhalfanearsohecouldmaketheappropriatesoundswhenshepaused.
Wordslikeuseswomenandbadpersonandliarstuckout,andhecouldn’thelpnoticinghowwelltheyappliedtohimself.Lookatallthelieshetold.Lookatwhathedidtopaythebills.LookathimtakingmoneyfromStellafordoingwhatanyotherguywoulddofor—
Coldhorrorsoakedintohim.ThiswaswhyithadfeltsowrongtoacceptStella’sproposal.Itwaswrong.Hewastakingadvantageofher.Whatkindofmanacceptedmoneyfromana?vewomantoteachherthingsshecouldlearnforfree?
He’dfinallytakenthelaststepsandbecomehisdad.Thatcouldn’tberight.Thatwasn’thim.Hewasbetter.
Theirarrangementhadtoendrightnow.Wherewasshe?Fuck,wasshewaitingforhimoutside?
Heshottohisfeetbeforehismom’sstorywashalffinished.“Ihavetogo,M?.I’msorryabout…tonight,abouteverything.”
“There’snoneedforsorry.Ifyouloveher,we’lllearntoloveher,too.”
Atthemerementionofthatword,sweatbrokeoutoverhisbrow.“Idon’t.”Thatmadehisactionsworse,didn’tit?
Hismomwavedhisprotestaway.“Bringherbackanotherday.M?won’tmicrowavetheplasticwhenshe’shere.”
“Youshouldn’tmicrowaveitanytime.”
“Yeah,yeah.”Shesaidthewordsinsuchamannerthatheknewshewouldcontinuedoingthingsherwayregardlessofwhatshe’dbeentold,andMichaelsworetohimselfhe’dthrowallherplasticawayandreplaceitwithsomethingsafe.RightafterhespoketoStella.
“Goodnight,M?.”
“Drivecareful.”
Heescapedthehouseinrecordtime,buthecameupshortashesteppedoutside.
Shewasgone.
Hegrippedoneoftheporch’swoodensupportpillarsanddraggedindeepbreathsashisheartrateslowedandhismindcleared.Coolair,thebuzzingofbugs,andthedistantwhirofacar’smotor.
Maybeitwasbestthatshewasn’there.Heneededtimetocomposeadecentpartingspeech.Somethingshortbutnice.Itwashim,nother,and—
Nomatterwhathesaid,shewasgoingtocry.Thethoughttwistedhisgutsintoknots.She’dthinkitwasherfault.Becauseofhowawkwardshewasinbedandout.Becauseoftheunintentionaldebacletonight.
Hewalkedtohiscarandgotinside.Afterheturnedtheignition,hesatwithhishandsonthewheel.Hedidn’tknowwheretogo.Herplaceorhis?Theyneededtotalk,buthewasn’treadyforhertearsontopofhismom’s.
Thenewboxofcondomsonthepassengerseatcaughthiseye.He’dboughtcountlesssuchboxesoverthepastthreeyears.Hehadn’tlookedforwardtoopeninganyofthemasmuchasthisone—becauseStellawasdifferent.Now,he’dbebacktousingthecontentsoftheboxwithcountlessFridaysofwomen,providingasimpleserviceforfairpayment.Itdidn’thurtortakeadvantageofanyone.Thatwasbetterthanwhathisdaddid.Michaelcoulddothatandstillbehimself.Toobadhedidn’twantanyofthosewomenlikehedidStella.
Hepushedtheboxontothefloorandoutofsightbeforeheadingtohisownapartment.Tomorrow.He’ddotherightthingtomorrow.{CHAP+ER}
14
Stellacompletedherbedtimeroutineinanumbhaze.Itwasn’tuntilshelaidherheaddownonherpillowthatshestartedcrying.
Itwasovernow.He’daskedhertobegoodtohisfamily,andshe’dmadehismomcry.Youcouldn’tundosomethinglikethat.
HergutdemandedshetellMichaelthetruth.Thoughhewasn’tawareofthetrueextentofthem,healreadyknewaboutherissues:sensitivitiestosmell,sound,andtouch;herobsessionwithherwork;herneedforroutine;andherawkwardnesswithpeople.Whathedidn’tknowwastherewerelabelsforthat,adiagnosis.
Butwaspityanybetterthanhatred?Rightnow,hethoughtshewasinsensitiveandrude,buthestillviewedherasaregularpersonwhohappenedtohavesomeeccentricities.Withthelabels,hemightbemoreunderstanding,buthe’dquitviewingherasStellaLane,awkwardeconometricianwholovedhiskisses.Inhiseyes,she’dbecomethegirlwithautism.She’dbe…less.
Withotherpeople,shedidn’tcarewhattheythought.
WithMichael,shedesperatelyneededtobeaccepted.Shehadadisorder,butitdidn’tdefineher.ShewasStella.Shewasauniqueperson.
Therewasnowaytosalvagethissituation.Nowaytokeephim.
Shestillhadtoapologizetohismom.She’dnevermadesomeonecrybefore,anditfilledherwithself-loathing.Hismom’sevasivenessmadesensenowthatsheknewabouthisdad.Stellawishedshecouldhaveunderstoodearlier,beforeshehurtthewomanandruinedeverything,butallshecouldcontrolwereherfutureactions,notthepast.
Asthenightdraggedon,sheconstructedandreconstructedherapology,reciteditoverandoverinherhead.Whenthesunrose,shedraggedherselfoutofbedandgotreadytotackletheday.
Shedrovetothesamestripmallshe’dgonetoyesterdayandparkedinfrontofParisDryCleaningandTailors.Assoonastheyflippedthesign,she’dapologizeandleave.
Anightofsleeplessnesshadleftherheadclouded,andherheartachedfromtherelentlesspressureofheranxiety.Herfingershadbeenclenchedaroundthewheelsolongthejointswerelocked.Shewasdrainedandwantedtogetthisoverwithsoshecouldgototheofficeandloseherselfinwork.
Fiveminutesbeforenine,thesignflippedfromClosedtoOpen.Takingadeepbreath,Stellapickedupasecondboxofchocolatesandabouquetofpeachrosesandexitedhercar.Inside,Janiesatbehindthefrontcounter.
SheliftedherattentionfromthetextbookonherlapandblinkedinsurpriseatStella.Fromthetensesetofhermouth,itwasnotagoodkindofsurprise.“Hi,Stella…Michaeldoesn’tworkonSaturdays.”
“Iwasn’tlookingforhim.”Whatwasthepoint?Theyweredone.Shehelduptherosesandchocolates.“Ibroughttheseforyourmom.Isshehere?”
Janie’sexpressionsoftened.“Yeah,she’shere.”
“MayIspeaktoher,please?”
“She’sworkinginback.I’lltakeyouthere.”
ShefollowedJanieintothebackroomandstoppedinfrontofagreencommercialsewingmachine,whereMichael’smomwasbusyfeedingfabricbeneaththesewingfootwithquickefficiency,herglassesperchedonthetipofhernose.
Stella’smusclestensed,andherheartthundered.Itwastimetodothis.Shehopedshedidn’tscrewitup.Shehopedshesaidtherightthing.
JaniemurmuredsomethinginVietnamese,andMichael’smomlookedup.HergazejumpedfromJanietoStella.
Stellaswallowedandforgedahead.“Icametoapologizeforlastnight.IknowIwasrude.I’mnot…goodwithpeople.Iwantedtothankyouforinvitingmeovertoyourhouse.”Sheheldouttheflowersandchocolates.“Igottheseforyou.Ihopeyoulikechocolate.”
Janiesnatchedthetrufflesbeforehermothercouldtouchthebox.“Ido.”
Michael’smomacceptedtheflowersandsighed.“Westillhavealotoffoodleftoverfromlastnight.Youshouldtrytocomeagain.”
Stellalookeddownatherfeet.Michaelwouldbehorrifiedifhesawherathismom’stonight.“Ineedtogo.I’mtrulysorryaboutlastnight.Thankyouagain.”
SheturnedaroundtoleavebutcaughtsightofMichael’stinygrandmaatthecouch.Theoldwomannoddedather,andStellafumbledonsomethingthatwashalfcurtsy,halfbowbeforesheleft.
???
Michaelwalkedintothestudioandtossedhisduffelbagonthebluemattedfloornexttotheothertwobags.
Thefightersinthemiddleoftheroombrokeapart,tookfivestepsback,switchedtheirswordstotheirlefthands,andbowed.
“Lookwhatthecatdraggedin,”saidthefighterontheright.ItwasQuan.Ahelmetobscuredhiscousin’sface,butMichaelknewitwashimbyhisvoiceandthenameembroideredinwhiteonhisblacksparringgear.Also,Quanwasaninchshorterthanhisbabybrother.
Khaiwavedaglovedhandathimandseamlesslyswitchedfromsparringtostrikedrillsusinghisreflectioninthemirror.Tenwhip-fastheadstrikes,tenwriststrikes,tenribstrikes.Thenbacktothebeginning.Tenmoreheadstrikes…WhenKhaiworkedout,heworkedout.Therewasn’tdowntime.Hissingle-mindedfocuswasimpressive.AndremindedMichaelofStella.Hereleasedaheavysigh.
“Don’tusuallyseeyouSaturdays.What’sup?”Quanasked.
“Iwantedtogetsomesparringin,”Michaelsaidashescratchedanear.HeusuallyspentSaturdaysrunningandliftingweights—thingshecoulddoalonesincehewastiredofpeopleafterwhathedidonFridaynights.Today,however,hedidn’twanttobebyhimself.Heknewhe’djustthinkaboutStellathewholetime.Afterdeliberatingthroughthenightandmostoftoday,hestilldidn’tknowhowtobreakthingsoffwithouthurtingher.Ithadtohappen,though.Andsoon.Heshouldcallherafterhefinishedsparringandarrangeameeting.Facetofacewasbest.
“Suitup,then,”Quansaid.“Classstartsinanhour.Teachertookthedayoff,soloserleadsclass—littlekids’class.”
Thatwastheperfectincentivetowin.Childrenbrandishingstickswerehorrifying.You’dthinksmallerkidswerelessdangerous,buttheywereactuallytheworst.Theyspunaroundthestudioliketornadoes,hittingbeneathyourarmororstabbingyouintheballs,allbyaccident.Theydidn’tknowanybetter.KindoflikeStellainsocialsituations.
AndKhai.
AsMichaelputhisgearon,hiseyeskeptgravitatingtowardKhaiashemethodicallyworkedthroughallhisstrikestenatatime.Alwaysthesamenumberandalwaysthesameorder.IfStellaevertookupkendo,Michaelcouldseeherdoingtheexactsamething.Afterlastnight,therewerealotmoresimilaritiesbetweenherandKhaithanhe’doriginallythought.Khainevernoticedwhenhetrippeduponsensitiveconversationtopics,either.Hewasalsohorriblyhonest,creativeinstrangeways,and…
HisgazejumpedtoQuanasanunexpectedsuspicionrose.“YouaskedifIthoughtStellawaslikeKhai.”
Quanundidthelacesbehindhisheadandpulledhishelmetoff.Darkeyesregardedhimsteadily.“Yeah,Idid.”
“DidshetellyousomethingIshouldknow?”Herememberedthatnight,howithadfeltlikehe’dinterruptedsomethingwhenhe’dfoundthemoutsidetheclubtogether.
“Aftershefinishedhyperventilatingfromoverstimulation,yeah.Shetoldmesomething,”Quansaid.
“Shewashyperventilating?”heheardhimselfask.Hisstomachdropped,andcoldnessprickledoverhim.Whatkindofasswashethathehadn’tknownandhadn’tbeenthereforher?Heshouldhavebeentheone.NotQuan.
“Toomanypeople,Michael.Toomuchnoise,toomanyflashinglights.Youshouldn’thavetakenherthere.”
Everythingclickedtogetherthen.“She’sautistic.”
“Youdisappointed?”Quanaskedwithatiltofhishead.
“No.”Thewordcameouthoarse,andheclearedhisthroatbeforehecontinued.“ButIwishshe’dtoldme.”Whyhadn’tshetoldhim?Andwhyhadshelethimpressureherintogoingtotheclub?Shemusthaveknownwhatitwoulddotoher.
Andlastnight.Shit,itmusthavebeenawful.TheTVblasting,thepiano,hissistersshouting,everythingnew…
“Shejustwantsyoutolikeher.”
ThewordspunchedMichaelinthestomach.Hedidlikeher,andknowingthisdidn’timpactthatatall.Shewasstillthesameperson.Exceptheunderstoodherbetternow.Atleast,onaconsciouslevel,hedid.
Subconsciously,hefeltlikehe’dalwaysknown.Becausehe’dgrownupwithKhai,heknewhowtointeractwithher.Hedidn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit.Thathadtobewhyshecouldrelaxwithhimwhenshecouldn’twithothers.
Astrangechargedsensationbuzzedthroughhim,tensinghismusclesandputtinghishairsonend.Maybehedidn’thavetoendtheirarrangement.
Maybeacceptingherproposalwasn’ttakingadvantageofher.Becauseshewasautistic,maybeshereallycoulduseapracticerelationshipbeforesheenteredarealone.Maybehewastheperfectoneforhertopracticewith.Maybehecouldhelpherforreal.
Hedidn’thavetotaketheentirefiftygrand.Cometothinkofit,hedidn’thavetotakeanyofit.Hehadcreditcards.Hecouldmakeupthedifferencenextmonth.Byhelpingherwithoutfinancialmotivation,he’dfinallyprovehewasn’thisdad.
Heyankedhisgearoffandtosseditonthefloorinacarelessheap.“Putthatawayforme,willyou?Ihavetogo.”
???
Stella’sphonebeeped,draggingheroutfromtheworldofherdata.Herofficematerialized,herdesk,thecomputerscreenswiththecommandpromptandalltheclevercodeshe’dwritten,herwindows,thedarknessbeyondthem.
Thealertonherphonesaid,“Dinnertime.”
Sheopenedadeskdrawerandpulledoutaproteinbar.HermotherwouldbeangryifshesawStellaeatingoneofthesefordinner,butshedidn’tcare.Shejustwantedtowork.
Absentlychewingonthecardboard-ychocolatemixture,shemadesmalladjustmentsandrefinementsinheralgorithm.Itwasgood.Maybesomeofherbestwork.
Herphonebuzzed,andthescreenlitwithatextmessagefromMichael.
Isthatyourofficeonthe3rdfloorwiththelightsonat6PMonaSaturday?
Shedroppedherproteinbarandstooduptolookoutthewindow.Afamiliarformleanedagainstalamppostintheparkinglot.Sheimmediatelydodgedoutofview,toohumiliatedtobeseen.
Herphonebuzzedwithanothermessage.Comedown.Weneedtotalk.
Shesankbackintoherchair.Thiswasit.He’dcometoendit.Herthumbsshookasshecomposedashortresponse.Justtellmeviatextmessage.
Iwanttotalktoyouinperson.
Shethrewherphoneontoherdeskandcrossedherarms.Shewastiredandembarrassed.Shedidn’tneedtowitnessthedissolutionoftheirarrangementinperson.Orwerethereadditionalthingshewantedtotalktoherabout?Morethingsshe’ddonewrong?
Maybesheshouldn’thaveapologizedtohismom?Hadthatbeencreepyandintrusive?Whycouldn’tshegetanythingright?
Sheranherhandsoverherhairandattemptedtoslowherbreathing.Didshehavetoapologizeforapologizing?
Thephonebuzzedyetagain,andsheflippeditoverwiththetipofatremblingfingersoshecouldreadit.
I’mgoingtostayouthereuntilyoucomedown.
Sherubbedathertemple.Herheadthrobbed,andsweatgluedherclothestoherbody.Sheneededtogohomeandshower.
Mightaswellgetthisoverwith.
Shetossedheronce-bittenproteinbarintothetrash,savedherwork,andpowereddownhercomputer.Tossingherpurseoverhershoulder,sheshutthelightsoffandlefttheroom.
Theemptyhallsandlow-litcubiclesusuallycomfortedher.Tonight,theymadeherlonelyandsad.Asshestrodetotheelevator,shewonderedhowlongitwouldbebeforethisfeelingwentaway.Aweek?Amonth?Shewishedeverythingcouldgobacktonormal—likebeforeshe’dmetMichael.Thesehighsandlowsinemotionwereexhausting.
Theclickofherheelsonmarbleechoedthroughthereceptionarea,andshemadeherselfpushthefrontdoorsopenandwalkoutside.
Michaelshovedawayfromthelamppostanddughishandsintohispockets,lookinglikehisusualgorgeousselfintheglowofthestreetlights.“Hi,Stella.”
“Hi,Michael.”Herchesttightenedandbeganaching.Shedrummedherfingersagainstherthighsuntilshecaughthimwatchingandfistedherhands.
“Mymomtoldmeyoustoppedbytheshop.”
Thatwasit.She’dreallydonethewrongthing.Herheartplummeted,andherfacethreatenedtocrumple.Sheschooledherfeaturesintoplace.“I’msorryifIshouldn’thavedonethat.Icouldn’tbearknowingI’dhurther.Inevermeantohurtpeople,butIdoitallthetime.I’mworkingonfixingthis,butit’ssocomplicated,andIjust—Ijust—Ijust…”
Hesteppedtowardheruntiltheywereseparatedbyanarm’slength.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Shestareddownathershoes.Shewassotired.Whenwouldthisbeoversoshecouldgohomeandsleep?“You’reangry.BecauseIwenttoseeyourmom.That’sintrusive.”
“I’mnot,actually.”
Sheliftedhergazeandfoundhimwatchingherwithsadeyes.“Then…Idon’tunderstand.”
“Asyourpracticeboyfriend,shouldn’tIbehere?It’sgettinglate.”
Shetookasurprisedbreath.“AftereverythingIsaidatyourmom’s,youstillwanttohaveapracticerelationshipwithme?”
“Yeah.Thingsarecomplicatedwithmyfamily,andIshouldhavepreppedyouaheadoftime.I’msorryIdidn’tthinktodothat.”
Whenhewrappedanarmaroundherwaistandpulledherclose,shewastoostunnedtospeak.Hewasapologizingtoher?
“Areyouokay?Youlooklikeyou’regoingtopassout.”
Shetensedathisnearness,unsurewhattodo.“I’mfine.Don’tworry.”
“Whenwasthelasttimeyouate?”
“Idon’tremem—oh,Iatesomethingrightbeforeyoutexted.”
“Whatwasit?”
Shewasnottellinghim.He’dprobablyactlikehermotherandchastiseher.Thatwasthelastthingsheneededrightnow.
Hebrushedhisfingersalongherjawbeforeclaspingherfaceinhispalmandtippingherheadback.Abutterfly-lightkissteasedherlips.“Yousmelllikechocolate.Didyouhavecandyfordinner,Stella?”
“Notcandy.Aproteinbar.Therearevitaminsandstuffinit.”
“You’recomingwithme.Don’targue.I’mgoingtofeedyou.”Hewalkedhertohercar,whichwasparkednotfaraway,andbythattime,shewassimplytootiredtoprotest.
Thedoorsunlockedwhentheysensedthekeyfobinherpurse,andshesatinthepassengerseat.Shefumbledfortheseatbelt,buthecaughtitandbuckledherinwithsuremovements.Hegotinontheothersideandpulledoutoftheparkinglot.
ThemotionofthecarlulledStellaintoadrowsyhalfslumber,anditwasseveralminutesbeforesherealizedhe’dleftdowntownandheadedacrossthefreeway.“Wherearewegoing?”
“Backtomymom’s.”
AsurgeofadrenalineburnedthesleepinessoutofStella’shead,andshesatupinherseat,wideawake.“What?Why?”
“There’salotoffoodthere.Mymomhadmecookforlikeahundredpeoplelastnight.”
Sheadjustedherglassesasherheartstartedrampingupfortakeoff.“I’dreallyliketogohome.”
“Doyouhaveanythingtoeatatyourplace?”
“Ihaveyogurt.I’lleatit.Ipromise.”
Heshookhisheadashereleasedatighthuffofbreath.“I’llfeedyouquickandthentakeyouhome.”
Beforeshecouldthinkupasuitableresponse,hepulledintothedrivewayofthelittlegrayhouse.Whenheopenedthedoor,shecouldhearthesamemusiccarryingfaintlyonthewind.Shegrippedherseatbeltlikealifeline.
“Ican’thandletheTVtonight,”sheconfessedinapainedwhisper.Afterlastnight,herusualtolerancewasgone.She’dfallapartandscareeveryone.Michaelwouldchangehismindaboutthearrangement—shestillcouldn’tbelievehedidn’twanttocancel.Orhe’dstartwalkingoneggshellsaroundher,whichwasworse.
“Holdonaminute.”Hedughisphoneoutofhispocketandtypedinsomethingonthescreen.
Withinmoments,themusicstopped.
“Youmadethemturnitoff?Won’tyourmomandgrandmabeunhappytheycan’twatchtheirshows?”Herentirebodyflamedwithembarrassment.Shedespiseditwhenpeoplehadtomakechangesforher.
Hegaveherafunnylook.“It’sjustTV.”
“Idon’tlikeitwhenpeoplehavetoactdifferentlyforme.”
“Wedon’tmind.”Hewalkedaroundtoherside,openedthedoor,andheldhishandout.“Willyoucomein?”
???
WhenStella’ssmallhandlandedinhispalm,thehardknotoftensioninMichael’sgutloosened,butanawfulbrewofguiltandsadnesscontinuedtoeatathim.
Shelookedterrible.Herbunwasoff-center,andmessystrandsframedherdrawnface.Hernormallybright,expressiveeyesweredim,swollen,andshadowed.Hisheartdippedwhenherealizedshemusthavecriedalottomakethemthatway.He’dmadehercry.
ThiswasnothisStella.
Well,thesweatinessofherhandwasallStella.Hesqueezedgentlyandledhertothefrontporch.
Whenheopenedthedoorandpreparedtoenter,shestiffenedandduginherfeet.“Iforgottobringsomething.GooglesaysI’msupposedtobringsomething.Letmegoand—”
“It’sfine,Stella.”Hewrappedanarmaroundherwaistandpropelledherintothehouse.
Insidetheentryway,sheshuthereyesandtookabreath.Hecouldseeherabsorbingthesilence,feelherbodyrelaxingagainsthisarm.
“Youknowyoucanalwaystellmewhenthingsbotheryou,right?LiketheTVlastnight…ortheclublastweek.”
Hereyelidsflutteredopen,butinsteadoflookingathim,shestaredofftotheside,suddenlytensealloveragain.“DidQuansaysomethingtoyou?”
Michaelhesitatedtoanswer.Somethingtoldhimitwasextremelyimportanttoherthathedidn’tknow,sohedidwhathe’dlearnedfromhisdadeventhoughhehatedit.Helied.“Onlythatthenoiseandcrowdweretoomuchforyou.Whydidn’tyoutellme?Iwishyouhad.”
“IalreadytoldyouIdon’tlikeitwhenpeoplehavetoactdifferentlyforme.”
“Wecouldhavedonesomethingelse,”hesaidinexasperation.Thelastthinghewantedwastohurtherormakeheruncomfortable.
“Whyarethereorangeshere?”sheasked,indicatingtheplateoforangesnexttotheurnofincenseandbronzeBuddhastatueonthetableintheentryway.
“Don’tchangethesubject.”
Shesighed.“Fine.Itembarrassesme.Alot.”
Allthatself-torture…becauseitembarrassedhertoadmitshewasdifferent?Hisinsidesmelteddown,andhegrabbedherhandandsqueezed.
“Canyoutellmeabouttheorangesnow?”
Hesmiledathersingle-mindedness.“It’sanofferingforthedead.Supposedly,theygethungryintheafterlife,”hesaidwithanuncomfortableshrug.Asascientisttype,shehadtothinkthiswassilly.Hedid,too,butitwassomethingNgo?iandhismomlikedtodo.
Asmallsmileplayedoverherlips.“Doyougivethemotherkindsoffood,too?I’dgettiredoffruitallthetime,myself.Howaboutcandy?”
Helaughed.“You’vehadenoughcandytoday.”
“Whatdoyoudowiththefruitnowthatit’sbeenoffered?Iassumethedeaddon’tactuallyriseandconsumeit…”
“Weeatit.I’mnotentirelyclearonhowlongyou’resupposedtowait,butatleastadayorso,Ithink.”
“Hm.”SheinspectedtheBuddhastatue,angledherheadsoshecouldseebehindit.Judgingbyherexpression,shewasfascinated,andherecalledthatshelovedmartialartsfilmsandDramaFever.Shedidnotlookcondescendingorboredorimposedupon.Shedidnotlooklikehisdad.
“Doyoufeellikeyou’veenteredthesetofanAsiandrama?Isthatwhat’sgoingonhere?”heasked.
“Thisisbetter.Thisisreallife.”Shepointedtotheboxofincensehiddenawaybehindthestatue.“CanIlightone?Willyoushowmehowtodoit?I’vealwayswantedto.”
Herubbedthebackofhisneck.“Idon’tactuallyknowhow.Imean,Idon’tremembertheorderofthelightingandthebowingandallthat.WhenIwaslittle,Irefusedtodoit,andNgo?istoppedrequestingit.”
“Doesittakeverylong?”sheaskedwithafrown.
Thecornerofhismouthtippedupsheepishly.“Idon’tthinkso,no.Let’sgosayhitomymomandgrandma,andthenI’llfeedyou.Okay?”
“Okay.”
ShefollowedhimthroughthediningroomandintothekitchenwhereSophieandEvieweredishingricenoodles,shreddedmintandlettuce,andbarbecuedbeefintolargebowls.Theylookedtobebackonspeakingterms.Consideringtheirtrackrecordofenemiesoneday,bestfriendsthenext,thatwasaboutright.Ngo?iandhismomwereslicingupheapsofmangoesattheinformalseatingareawheretheydidalltheireating—theformaldiningtablewasforpresentationonly.Ngo?iwasdressedinherfavoriteblackknitcardigan,andhismomworeaChristmassweatereventhoughitwasn’tholidayseason.
“HiNgo?i,M?,”Michaelsaid.
HismomnoddedathimbeforeconsideringStella.“Welcomeback.Dinner’sreadysoon.Sitandeat,ah?”
Stellasmiled,buthergriponhishandwasfierce.“Sure,thankyou.Itlooksgood.”
“ThesetwoareSophieandEvie.They’renottwins,”hesaid,bringinghertothekitchenislandthatwascoveredwithfoodstoredinbrand-newPyrexcontainers.“Sophie—theonewiththatredstripeinherhair,God,whendidyougetthat?—isaninteriordecorator,andEvieisaphysicaltherapist.”
“Hi,Stella,”theysaidatthesametime.MommusthavetoldthemaboutStella’sapologybecauseitlookedliketheywantedtomakeafreshstart.
Stellagaveatinywave.“Hi.”
“IsAngiehere?”heasked.
“Nope.Moreworkstuff,”Eviesaid.
“OnaSaturday,”Sophieaddedwithasneer.
“Becausepeoplework—”
“OnSaturdays—”
“Allthetime.”
Thesistersfacedoneanotherandtradedknowingglances.
MichaelwhisperedinStella’sear,“They’vebeenfinishingeachother’ssentencessincetheywerelittle.Ithinkthey’realiens.”
Stella’slipstrembledintoanothersmile,andsheleanedintohim.Poorshygirl.Hisfamilyhadtobeoverwhelmingforher,andthiswasn’tevenallofthem.Hetightenedhishandaroundhersandfoughtthedesiretokissher.SomethingaboutthewaysheturnedtohimlikehewashersafeplacesatisfiedcavemanneedsMichaelhadn’tknownhepossessed.
Heclearedhisthroatandasked,“WhereareJanieandMaddie?”
“Upstairsdoinghomework.They’llcomedownwhenthey’rehungry.Theybothhavetestssoon.”
“They’rethetwoyoungest,”heexplainedtoStella.“Maddieisthebaby.She’sasophomoreatSanJoseState.”
“I’mgoingtoforgeteveryone’snames.”Shelookedsoworried—Michaelmeltedalittle.Whydidshecare?Thesepeoplecouldn’tbespecialtoher.Theywerejusthisfamily.
“That’sokay.IwishIcould.”
“Veryfunny,Michael,”Eviesaidwitharollofhereyes.“Youonlyhavetorememberme.I’maPT,soifyougetcarpaltunnelorsomething,youknowwhotolookfor.Postureiseverything.”
“Whycouldn’tyoubeadoctor,then,E?”hismomaskedasshepeeledhertenthmango.“AllIwantedwasadoctorinthefamily,andnotoneofyoucoulddothatforme.”
“Stella’sadoctor,”Michaelsaidwithagrin.
Hereyesroundedintogiantbuttons.“No,I’mnot.”
“Yes,youare.YouhaveaPhD.Thatmakesyouadoctor.AndyouwenttotheUniversityofChicago,thebestschoolforeconomicsintheU.S.,probablytheworld.Yougraduatedmagnacumlaude.”
Ashe’dknownwouldhappen,hismomperkedupwithinterest.“That’sfantastic.”
Stellablushed,bringingmuchneededcolortohercheeks.“Howdidyou…”
“Googlestalking.”
Hereyessearchedhis,andasurprisedsmilehintedatthecornersofhermouth.“Youstalkedme?”
Heshrugged.Itwashisturntofeelawkwardnow.
“Okay,lovebirds,dinner’sready.Comeeat,”Sophiesaid.Shesetdownabowlfilledwithnoodlesthathadbeencutshortwithscissorsandultra-thinslicedmeatinfrontofNgo?iandkissedhertemplelikeshewouldababy.
Oncethey’dseatedthemselvesatthetable,MichaelwatchedasStellacarefullymimickedSophie’sfoodpreparationritual,addingchilisauce,pickleddaikonandcarrots,beansprouts,andfishsaucetoherbowlofnoodles,greens,andbeef.
“Haveyoueverhadthisbefore?”heasked.
Sheshookherheadabsentlyasshemixedeverythingtogetherandtookabite.Hereyesopenedwide,andshegrinnedasshecoveredhermouth.“You’reagoodcook.”
“Michaelisverygoodwithhishands,”hismomsaidwithaproudnod.
SophierolledhereyesbeforeshesmirkedsuggestivelyandaskedStella,“Doyouagree?Ishe‘goodwithhishands’?”
HismomscowledatSophie,butStellamerelysmiledandnodded.“Ithinkso.”
SophiearchedhereyebrowsandsentMichaelanissheforreal?look.
Asdinnerprogressed,MichaelwatchedStellathroughanewlensprovidedbyhisrecentdiscovery.Hedidn’tnoticesomuchwhenitwasjustthetwoofthem,butshehadtroublewitheyecontact.Sherarelyspokeunlesssomeoneaskedheradirectquestion,andthenheranswerswereshortandtothepoint.Whenshelistened,however,herfocuswasthekindofstuffsheprobablyusedoncomplexeconomicproblems.Shefrowned,hangingoneverywordlikeitwasofutmostimportance.
Thesepeoplematteredtoherbecausetheymatteredtohim.
“Wheredidyougrowup,Stella?”hismomaskedafterthey’dmovedfrombúntomangoes.
“Atherton.Myparentsstilllivethere,”Stellaprovided.
Hismom’seyebrowsclimbedatthementionofthewealthiestzipcodeinCalifornia.“Doyoulikebabies?”
Michaelalmostdroppedhisfruit,andhisvoicewasgruffwithhorrorwhenhesaid,“M?.”
Sheshruggedinnocently.
“Youdon’thavetoanswerthat,”hesaidtoStella.
Shemethiseyeslikeshehadn’twitheveryoneelse.Herfacialmusclesrelaxed,buttheintensityofherconcentrationdidn’t.Herbeautifulmindfocusedonhim.Michaeladmittedtohimselfhelovedit.
Stellaliftedashoulder.“Idon’tknowifIlikebabies.Ihaven’tbeenaroundthatmany.Myparentswantgrandchildren,though.Mymother,mostly.”
“Thathastobewhyshekeepssettingupblinddatesforyou,”Michaelsaid.
Stellanodded.“Ithinkso.”
“Meddlingmothers.”
Athiscomment,Stella’slipscurvedintoasmile,andhereyesshined.Heforgotwhatthey’dbeentalkingabout.Ifhecouldn’tkisshersoon,hewouldgomad.
“Whenyougettomyage,”hismomsaid,crossingherarmsoverherchest,“youwanttoplaywithbabies.It’snatural.”
Sophiejumpedtoherfeet.“Helpmewiththedishes,Stella?”
“Sure,I’dlovetohelp,”Stellasaid.“Isthereaparticularwayyoudoit?”
“Justwhateverwaygetsthemclean.”
EvieclearedthetableasSophieandStellapiledthingsintothesink.HismomandNgo?istaredathimwithseriousexpressions.Hebracedhimselfforsomethingbad.
“Shewonmeattheshoptoday.It’simportanttoknowhowtoadmitwhenyou’rewrong.Youshouldkeepher,”M?saidinVietnamese.
Heshookhisheadandthinnedhislips.“It’snotthateasy.”
“Why?”
“We’retoodifferent.She’sreallysmartandmakesloadsofmoney.”
“You’resmart,”hismominsisted.
Herolledhiseyes.
“You’renotlikeyourdadwanted,butthatdoesn’tmeanyou’renotsmart.Andyoudon’tmakeasmuchbecauseyou’rebusyhelpingmeattheshop.ItoldyouIdon’tneedyouanymore.Youletsomanyopportunitiespassbecauseofme.Idon’twantthatforyou,Michael,andIdon’twantyoutolosethisgirl,either.She’sagoodone.Keepher.”
“It’snotthatsimple.”
“Itis.Shelikesyou.Youlikeher.”
Ifhehadlesscontrol,hewouldhavepointedouthismom’srelationshipwithhisdad,butthatwashittingbelowthebelt.Hisdadlovedhismom—inhisownway.Buthealsolovedcheating.Michaelwouldneverunderstandwhyhismomtookhisdadbackeverysingletime.
“Justpromisetotry,allright?Ilikethisone,”hismomsaid.
Michaelcouldhavelaughed.Ofallthegirlshe’deverbroughthome,shelikedtheonehecouldn’thave.Hisclient.Hisrich,highlyeducated,beautifulclient,whowaspayinghimtohelpherlearnhowtogetsomeonebetter.
“You’rejustsayingthatbecauseshe’sdoingdishes.”
Michaelknewthewaytohismom’sheart,anditwasn’tfood.Itwascleaning,doingdishes.Hedidn’thavetododishesbecausehecooked.Forwhateverreason,noneofthewomeninthishousecooked.He’dhadtolearninordertosurvive.
“Shedoesn’tmindworking,”hismomsaid.“That’simportant.”
“Mmmmm,”Ngo?iagreed.
Foramoment,thethreeofthemwatchedasStellawashedbowls,rinsedthem,andhandedthemtoSophietodry.She’drolledhersleevesupandworkedwithgreatattention,listeningandsmilingdistractedlyasSophiechattedwithher
“Takeherhome,”Ngo?isaid.“Shelookstired.”
Hismomnodded.“Takeherhome.”
HepushedawayfromthetableandwenttowraphisarmsaroundStella’swaist.Becausehecouldn’tresist,heranhislipsdownhernecksosheshivered.Thesoapyspongepausedinmidscrub,andherexpressionwasconfusedasshegazedathimoverhershoulder.Heslidahanddownherdelicateforearmandhijackedthespongefromher.Hefinishedwashingthefryingpanandtherestofthedisheswithherinfrontofhim,occasionallypausingtokissherear,herneck,orherjaw.
Sophieslantedhimagogetaroomlookashehandedherthelastcolander—oneofmanythathe’dmadehismompromisenevertostickinthemicrowaveagain—andhecouldtellshewasdyingtosaysomethingdryandcausticbutwasholdingbackbecauseshedidn’twanttoembarrassStella.
Stella’seyelidshadgoneheavy,andhernailsdugintothetilecounterasshetriedunsuccessfullynottorespondtohim.
“Readytogohome?”hewhispered.
Shenodded.
Theysaidtheirgood-byesandpiledintoStella’scar,andhepressedtheTesla’sonbutton.
BeforeStellacouldbuckleherseatbelt,heasked,“Whatareyouseeingintermsoflivingarrangementsandfrequencyofvisits?”
“Whatdomostcouplesdowhenthey’reincommittedrelationships?”
“Theylivetogether,andtheyseeeachothereveryday.Isthatwhatyouwant?”Itwasstrangehearinghimselfsaythewordsoutloud.Thesewerethingshe’dspenthisentireadultlifeavoiding,butwithStella,hemightbereadyforthem.Ifshewantedthem,too.
Sherubbedhercheekonhershoulder.“Iwantthat,then.Ihaveaguestbedroomyoucanuse.Butifyou’reuncomfortablestayingwithme,Iunderstand.Notallcouplesliveinthesamehouse.”
“WhatifIwanttoshareyourbed,Stella?”heaskedinalowtone.
Despitehowmuchhewantedtohelpherandprovehewasn’thisdad,hewasn’tsurehecoulddothisifsexwasoffthetable.Hewantedhertoomuch.Besides,mostofherproblemsstemmedfromlackofconfidence.Bedwasagreatplacetoworkonthat.
“Youdon’thavetodothat,”shesaid.
“Thatwasn’tthequestion.IknowIdon’thaveto.”
Staringoutthepassengerwindow,shesaid,“Mybedisopentoyouifyouwantit,butyouknowwheremyskilllevelsareat.Thathasn’tchangedsinceourlasttimetogether.”
Hesmiledatthat.Shesoundedworriedaboutpleasinghim.Somethinghisclientsalmostnevercaredabout.
“Let’ssealthedeal.”
“Oh,allright.”Shepulledahandoutfromunderherthighandhelditouttowardhim.
“We’regoingintoapracticerelationship.Ithinkweshouldkissonit.”
Shelockedeyeswithhimasherlipspartedinsurprise,andthatwasalltheinvitationheneeded.Leaningacrossthecenterdivide,hekissedher.Hemeantforittobeaseductive,slowlyenflamingkindofkiss,butthesighingsoundshemadedrovehimstraightoutofhismind.Hetookhermouthwithhungrystrokesofhistongue.Shewoundherfingersthroughhishair,scrapedthemdownhischestandabdomen,andtuckedthemintohisjeans.Yes.Finally,theycouldgetbacktocheckingboxes—
Knucklesrappedagainstthedriver’s-sidewindow.Amuffledvoicespokeincoherentwords.
Helaunchedhimselfbackintohisseatbeforepoweringthewindowdown.
Sophiecrossedherarmsandtappedherbarefootonthepavementbeforeshebentdown,narrowedhereyes,andclearlymouthedthewordpervertathim.“MomwantedmetoremindyouyourheadlightsarelightingupNgo?i’sroomsoshecan’tsleep.”
“Sorry,forgot.We’llheadhomenow.”
Peeringintothecar,shesaid,“Goodnight,Stella.Hopeweseeyouagainsoon.”
Stellaswipedattheloosehairsfallingoverherfaceandclearedherthroatwithacough.“Goodnight,Sophie.”
Sophiesenthimonelastreprovinglookandsaunteredbackintothehouse.Secondslater,hisphonelitupwithrapidtextmessagesfromSophie.
GeezMichael,goeasyonher.
You’llscareheraway,andweallreallylikeher.
Honestly,intheDRIVEWAY?Whatareyou,13?
HechokedonalaughandhandedthephonetoStellasoshecouldreadthemessages.
Shebitdownonthetipofafingernailasshegrinned.“I’mnotscared.”
Heranahandthroughhishair,tookadeepbreath,andadjustedthepainfullystifffleshrisingagainsthisfly.“Let’sgetyouhome.”
Hedrovewithgratuitousdisregardofthelawthroughtheemptyresidentialstreets,envisioninghimselfpeelingherlibrarianclothesoffandpinningheragainstthewall,thefloor—hedidn’tcarewhere.
ItwasgoingtobesogoodwithStella,spectaculareven.Hewasgoingto—heglancedatStella,tryingtodecidewhattodofirst,andhishopesplummeted.Hewasgoingtocarryherintoherhouseandputhertobed.
Inthescantminutessincethey’dlefthismom’s,she’dfallenfastasleep.Herheadlolledtotheside,andherglassessatonhernoseatacrookedangle.Shedidn’tsomuchasflinchwhenhergaragecrankedopenandhertiressqueakedovertheepoxyfloor.
Hetriedtoshakeherawake,butshedidn’treact.Herbreathingremaineddeepandeven,herbodyrelaxed.Withasigh,heliftedheroutofthecarandheadedtowardherbedroom—theirbedroomasoftonight.{CHAP+ER}
15
Stellaawakenedbyslowdegrees.Sheregisteredthesunlightonherface,thedistantbarkingofaneighborhooddog,andMichael’sdelicioussmell.Itwasallaroundher,warmandconcentrated,andsheburrowedintothesheetswithahappysigh.
Aheavyweightoverhersidekeptherfromrollingthesheetsaroundherlikeaburrito,andshefrowned.Whatwasthat?Sheliftedtheblanketsandstaredinshockatthemusculararmwrappedaroundherwaist.Hernakedwaist.She’dsleptinherbraandpantieslastnight.
Andshehadn’tgonethroughhernightroutine.Shewascoveredinnastiness.Hermouth.Itwasprobablyforminganecosystemforantibiotic-resistantstrainsofbacteria.Sheshotupinbed,herentirebeingfocusedonrunningstraighttothebathroom.Floss,brush,shower,pajamas.Floss,brush,shower,pajamas.
Michaelyankedherbackdownandkissedhernape.“Notyet.”
“I’mgross.Ihavetogetclean.I—”
Hesuckedonherneckandpulledherhipsbackasherockedforward,makingherachinglyawareofthefirmfleshproddingagainstthebacksofherthighsthroughhisboxers.
Herbodywentintototalsystemfailure.Herlimbsweakened.Betweenherthighs,sheflushedandtingledwithwanting.Theintensityofherdesirefrightenedandembarrassedher.Sheneededtobeincontrolofherselfandherbody.Controlwasgone.
“Goodmorning.”Hisvoicewasahuskyraspthatsentshiversdownherspine.
“G-goodmor—”Ahanddippedinsideherbraandcuppedherbreast.Hestrokedthetipuntilitachedandpinched,sendingaburstofsensationstraighttohercore.Whenheheadeddownward,smoothingahandoverherbelly,herstomachmusclesclenched.
“Iwanttotouchyouhere.”Hepalmedhersexwithaboldgrasp,andtheheatofhistouchspreadthroughthecottonofherpanties,searingher.
Shegrippedhiswrist,fullyintendingtopullhimaway,butherhandsrefusedtocooperate.Hisforearmwasfirmwithdefinedmuscle,hisskinsmooth,utterlydistracting.
“Isthatpermission?”hewhispered.
She’dgivenhimpermissionlastnight.Shewantedthis,butshedidn’tknowhowtohandlethissideofherself.Herbodytoldhertosayyes.Hermindtoldhertosayno.
Herbodywonthefight,andherhipsarchedagainsthishand.Heedgedthecrotchofherpantiesaside.Hekissedhernapeashetracedtheslickentrancetoherbodywithhisfingertips.Asharpbreathtorefromherlungs.Panicandpleasurecollided.
“You’rewetalready,Stella.You’relikeaLamborghini.Zerotosixtyintwopointsevenseconds.”
“YoulikeLamborghinis?”Shetrieddesperatelytoclingtocoherentthought.Sheneededtothinkatalltimes,toweighheractionsandherwords.Whensheletgo,shealwaysmademistakes.Shedidthewrongthing,hurtpeople,mortifiedherself.
Hecontinuedtouchingherlightly,trailingaroundandaroundheropeninginmaddeningcircles.Histeethscrapedagainstherneckbeforehelickedandkissedher.Goosebumpsspreadoverherskin.
“Yes,Ilikethem.No,don’tgetmeone,”hesaid.
“Whynot?”Sherubbedherfeetagainsthisshins,dugherfingernailsintohisarm.Pushhimaway.Pullhimcloser.Regaincontrol.Letgo.
“Itdoesn’tsuitmylifestyle,andmymomwouldbevery,verycurioushowIgotit.”Heemphasizedthewordverywithbarelytherestrokesoverherclitoris.Hersexspasmedandtrembledattheedgeofrelease.
Hebitherearlobe.“You’reabouttogooff,aren’tyou?That’sallittook.”
“It’sbecauseI’vebeenfantasizingaboutyoueversincelastFriday.”OhGod,whathadshejustsaid?
Heremovedhistouchandsatup.Hisexpressionwassoftashebrushedtendrilsofhairawayfromherface.“WhatdoesFantasyMichaeldo?”
“Everything.”
Helaughedbeforehiseyeswentintense.“Doeshemakeyoucomewithhismouth?RealMichaelwantstodothat.”
Shesquirmedastheneedtopleasehimwarredwithherinhibitions.ThatwasonethingFantasyMichaelhadn’tdone.“I’mmoreinterestedingivingoralsexthanreceivingit.”
“Maybeweshouldworkonit,”hesaidinanunusuallysubduedtone.“I’mnottheonlyguywholovesgoingdownonwomen.”
Shesankherteethintoherlipandfistedthesheets.Women.Plural.Foraregularman,thatmeantanywherefromonetoten,maybetwenty.ForMichael…hundreds.Itmightevenbethousands,forallsheknew.Anewtypeofanxietyweigheddownonher.Couldshepossiblymeasureupagainstallofhispastclients?
“Idon’twanttodisgustyou.”
“Youwon’t.”
“HowdoImakeitgoodforyou?Aresomewomenbetteratreceivingoralsexthanothers?Whatdotheydo?”Shebadlywantedtobegoodatit.Shewantedtoblowalltheothersoutofthewater—buttherehadbeensomanyofthem
“Whatisgoingoninthatbeautifulbrainofyours?”heaskedinbafflement.
“Ijust—Iwant—Ineed—Ithink—”
“Nomorethinking,”hesaidashetouchedathumbtoherlips.
Heranwarmhandsfromhershouldersdowntoherwrists,interlacedtheirfingersandsqueezedtheirpalmstogether.Hermusclestensedassheworriedshewasn’trespondingtherightway.Whatwasshesupposedtodo?Nowthatsheunderstoodhewantedhertofeelpleasure,shewantedtogiveittohim,wantedtomakehimhappy.
“Stella,you’relockinguponme.”Hiseyessearchedhers,worriednow.
“I’msorry.”Shefeltthesweatbetweentheirhandsandfingersandwinced.Herheartpounded.Shewasscrewingthisup.
Hegatheredherinhisarmsandheldher,smoothingahandthroughherhairinslowsweeps.“Thisisbecauseoforalsex?Wedon’thavetohaveit.”
Stellapressedherforeheadtohisneckandbreathedinhisscent.Byslowdegrees,sherelaxedintohisembrace.“I’mverycompetitive.”
Hebrushedakissagainsthertemple.“Okay,buthowdoesthatfactorintoanything?”
“ItmeansIwanttopleaseyoumorethanallyourotherclientshave.”
“Stella,I’mtheonewho’sbeingpaidtopleasehere.”
“I’mnotpayingyouforsexanymore,remember?”
Hemadeafrustratedgrowlingsoundandheldhertighter.“WhatamIgoingtodowithyou?Ihaveyouhotandnakedinmyarms,andyou’restillnotready.”
Shesighedandrestedagainsthim.Sheidlytracedthedragonscalesonhisbicep.“Wecouldfloss,brush,shower,anddress.”
Hethrewthecoversoff.“Let’sdoit,then.”
???
“Don’tyouhaveanycasualclothes?”
Michaelsweptherdamphairtothesideandkissedherneckasshestaredatherwardrobe,tryingtomakeherclothingselectionfortheday.
“Ididn’tneedthemwhenIstartedworking,soIgavethemallaway,”shesaid.
“Youhadthem,though?Orweretheyallknee-lengthskirtsandbutton-downs?”Ashespoke,hisarmsstolearoundherbathrobe-cladwaistandhuggedhertohisnakedchest.Herbodycouldn’tdecideifitwantedtorelaxorstiffen.
Shesuspectedhewasseducingher.Itwasalmostworking.Itwasdefinitelymakinghermindfuzzy,butthatwasagoodthing.Hewasdistractingherfromherheadacheandthefactthatshewasterriblyoff-scheduletoday,somethingthatnormallyfilledherwithirritationandfrustrationuntilshecouldstartoveranddothingsright.
“Theywereskirtsandbutton-downs.Howdoyouknowmesowell?”
Hishotbreathfannedoverherearashechuckled.“Youaremyfavoritepuzzlelately.Iwanttoseeyouinsundresses,Stella.”
“Idon’thaveany.”
“It’sSunday.Wecouldgoshopping.”
Sheturnedaround,feelingaspikeofanxietyatthethoughtofgoingoutinpublic,goingsomewherenew,andworstofall,tryingonitchy,scratchyclothesthatwereprobablydustedwithratfecesfromwarehousefloors.“Canyoumakemesundresses?IwasseriouswhenIsaidIwantedcustomMichaeldesigns.I’llhavetogetanythingIbuyseriouslyalteredbeforeIcanwearit,anyway.”
Insteadofanswering,hepulledapinkshirtoffitshangerandinspectedtheinsideseams.“Frenchseams.Thefabricis…”Herubbeditbetweenhisfingers.“It’splaincotton.”
“Ilovecotton.Silk,too.Idon’tmindsyntheticfabricslikeacrylicandLycra,aslongasthey’resoft,butIcan’tstandcrispdenimorwoolorcashmereorangora.”
Apleasedsmilecurvedoverhismouthashecontinuedtocheckouttheconstructionofhershirt.“MypracticegirlfriendmightknowmoreabouttextilesthanIdo.Impressive.”
Hiscomplimentmadeherfeelwarmandbubbly,buthermindsnaggedonher“practicegirlfriend”title.Shedidn’tlikeit—namelythe“practice”half—butsheknewshehadtoberealisticaboutwhatshecouldandcouldn’thave.Bettertofocusontheironyofhertactiledefensivenessleadingthemtoacommoninterest.Sherestrainedherselffromreadingofffabrictypesandqualitieslikeanencyclopedia.
Hehunghershirtbackupneatlyandsteppedinfrontofher,restinghishandsonherhips.“Ireallywantyouinsundresses,Stella.Ilovethepencilskirts.Theydofantasticthingstooneofmyfavoritepartsofyou,butthey’vealsobeentorturingme.”
“How?Why?”
“Theydon’tletmedothis.”Watchingherwithheatedeyes,hedrewtheendofherbathrobeup.Itmadeabrushingsoundagainsthisjeansashebaredherthighstothecoolair.Hispalmscrapeduptheoutsideofherleg,pausedatherhip,andreachedbehindhertosqueezeherrear,makingneedshockthroughherbody.
Thebrowncurlsbetweenherthighswerevisible,andshecaughthimeyeingthemdarkly.Withoutasking,withouthesitating,withoutgivinghertimetothink,heslippedhishandoverherhipanddowntoherpelvis.Daringfingertipsthreadedthroughthehairandmassagedthepeakofhersex.
Herskinburnedwherehetouchedher,andherkneesweakened.Shebracedherselfonhisshoulders.
“That’smygirl,”hewhisperedasheleaneddowntokissher.
Thetasteofhiscleanmouthwasheavenly,andahigh-pitchedsoundhummedfromherthroatasshekissedhimback.Shetriedtokisshimaswellashe’dtaughther,butshecouldn’tconcentrate.Hisfingersweredoingdiabolicalthingstoher.Itwasallshecoulddotostand,andshewasn’tdoingagoodjobofit.Eachstrokeofhisfingersmeltedheralittlemore.Shewasstartingtotremble.
Withoutbreakingthekiss,hepickedherupandcarriedhertothebed.Thefeelofherbacksinkingintothedownblanketsbroughthertoreality.Theywerefinallygoingtodothis.Sex.Withoutstructure,withoutaplan.Shewasgoingtobebadatit,andhe’dhavetoshowherwhattofix,howtoimprove,andshe’dtryveryhardtotakethecriticisminstrideeventhoughithumiliated—
Hetoreherbathrobeopen,andhismouthfastenedonhernipple,drawingdeeply.Shearchedintohimwithagaspthatturnedintoamoanwhenhishandslidbetweenherthighsagainandstrokedher.Hersexclenchedsohardithurt.
“Shhhhhh,”hewhisperedagainstherbreast.
Onelongfingerslippedintoher,andgratefulsighsandmurmurstumbledfromherlips.Thatwasexactlywhatsheneeded.Heworkedasecondfingerin,andthestretchingsensationhadherheadfallingback.No,thiswaswhatsheneeded.Herheelsdugintothebedasshepushedintothepenetration.Hisfingerseasedinandout,curlingagainsthertobreathtakingeffect.
Whenheremovedhistouch,shecouldn’tbitebackaprotestingsound.“Michael,more,I—”
Heliftedhisglisteningfingerstohislipsandsuckedthemintohismouth.Theintensityofhiseyescoupledwithhisdevilishgrinhadherbunchingtheblanketsinherhandsashercoretightenedonitself.
Thecaressesresumedwithdeep,slowthrusts.Itwasgood,sogood,buthewasn’ttouchingherwheresheneededit.Herhipswrithedasshetriedtorelievethegrowingache.Whenhewithdrewagain,shestrokedherhandsdownherstomachinrampantfrustration,butherowntouchdidnothingtoexciteher.
Hegrippedherknees,pulledthemaparttobarehersextohiseyes.Hischestexpandedonasharpinhalation,andhisdragontattoorippled.Histhroatworkedonaloudswallow.“Ishouldhaveknownyou’dhavetheprettiestlittle—”
“Michael,don’tsayit,”shesaidquickly.
Hepaused,consideredherwithanaughtyglintinhiseyes.“Youmean…pussy?”
Flamesburnedherface,andshewantedtohideinsideherself.
Thecornerofhismouthkickedup.“Nowondermymomlikesyousomuch.It’sveryVietnamesetobemodestaboutsex.Ididn’tevenknowthecorrectVietnamesewordforgirlpartsuntilIwastwenty.Mostpeoplecallitalittlebird.Myauntreferstoitasasweetpotato.Thosearen’ttherightwordsforyours.Youhaveapussy,Stella.”
Herfaceburnedevenhotter,andtheblushspreaddownhernecktoherchest,touchingeverything.“That’sacat.Theypurrandcatchmice.Me—thatpart—itdoesn’t—theimageissoridiculous—Ican’t—”
“It’sapussy,Stella,andit’swetforme,andIwanttoeatit.”Focusingadarklookbetweenherlegs,hetracedherfolds,dippedinsidebriefly,andbegancirclingthepartofherthatwantedhimmost.“Andthis,thisisyourclit.Itwantsmymouthsobadit’sbrightred.Putusbothoutofourmisery,andletmetasteyou.Ifyouhateit,I’llstop.”
Ithitherthenthathetrulywantedthis,her.Helikedwhathesaw.Hisunabashedcravingforhermostprivatepartswasreal.Anddirty.And…exciting.AsecretStellawokeupandstretched,drawntoMichaelandhiswords.
“WillyoubedisappointedifIdon’tlikeitandIdon’trespondlikeotherwomen?”Shewantedtolikeit,wantedtoorgasmforhismouthlikesomanyotherwomenhad,andbecauseofthat,herarousalstartedfadingawayasperformanceanxietytookitsplace.
“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,thenwe’llmoveon.”Runninghishandsdownherinnerthighs,hespreadherwider.Thetipofhistonguepressedagainsthisgorgeousupperlip.
Hebentdownclosetoherwetflesh,makinghernervousnessspiketoheart-poundinglevels,andtookadeepbreath.“I’mbeginningtounderstandyouraddictiontomysmell.It’sagoodthingyoudon’tsmelllikethiseverywhere,though.I’dhaveaconstanthard-onforyou.I’mhavingenoughtroubleasitis.”
Agentleclosed-mouthkisslandedonherclitoris,andherentirebodystiffened.Thatwasnotwhatshe’dexpected.
“Hateit?”heasked.
“I—I…”
Anotherkiss,followedbyaslowtasting.Hehummedhisapprovalandcoveredherwithhismouth,suckingwithslightpressureashistonguelavedher.Softandwarmanddelicious.Stella’sbodywentlimpasheatbloomedinsideher.
“Icantellyoudon’tlikeit,”herasped.“Justletme…”Histonguestrokedintoher,lappingatthemoisturethatfloodedfromher.“Onelasttaste.”Hereturnedtoherclitoris,scrapinghisteethagainstthesensitivenervesbeforehekissedheragain,sippedather,lickedher.
Sheburiedherfaceintheblanketsaspleasureconcentratedlowanddeep.Histonguewassoclever,butreleasestayedjustoutofreach.Thiswastoonew.Herbodywasinastateofshockfromthesensationsbombardingher.Whenhestoppedshewasgoingtocry.
Twofingersworkedintoher,andhereyesrolledbackintoherhead.Hebeganasteadyrhythmashistongueflickeredoverher,andshecouldn’tpreventherhipsfromrisingtomeethisthrusts.OhGod,shewasridinghishand,smotheringhisfacewithhersex.Thathadtobebad.Shetoldherselftostop.Shecouldn’t.
Somehow,shefoundherhandstangledinhisshorthair.Herbodywascoilingtighter,graspingathisfingers,sowetnowshecouldheartheslipperysoundseverytimehedrovebackintoher.
“I’llstop,Stella.Clearly…”Histonguerubbedoverherfastandhard,andsheclenchedhelplesslyaroundhisfingers.“Clearly,youhatethis.”
“Michael.”Thatbreathy,needyvoicewashers.Shedidn’tcare.Sherubbedherhungryfleshagainsthistongue,nearlysobbingwhenhetookherbackintohismouth.
Hesuckedwithperfectpressure,andshecameapartwithstrong,wrenchingconvulsions.Herodeouttheorgasmwithher,draggingoutthepleasurewithsoothingflicksofhistongue.Astheaftershocksspacedout,hepressedapartingkisstohersexandroseoverhertoblanketherwithhisbody.Sheburiedherfaceagainsthischest,feelingmoreexposedandvulnerablethanshe’deverbeen.
She’dlethimdothattoher.She’dmadeallthosesounds,lostallcontrol.
“Youcameonmelikeapornstar,Stella.Ialmostspilledinmyjeans.”
“Didittakemetoolong?Wasthatalotof…work?”Itdiscomfortedherthatshe’dbeentheonlyonetoderivepleasurefromthatact.Shemuchpreferredtobeonthegivingsideofthings.
Helaughedsoftly.“Idrewitoutonpurpose,Stella.Youweresexyashell.”Peelingawayfromher,hesatbackonhisheelsandextractedasmallfoilfromhispocket.“Doyouwantto?”
Shepushedherselfup,andthebathrobeslippedoffhershoulders.Shestifledthereflextocoverhernuditybutcouldn’tbringherselftomeethiseyes.Herpulsewasoutofcontrol.“Yes,Iwantto.”Shetookthefoilfromhishandandtoreitopenwithshakyfingers
Hegotdownfromthebedandunbuttonedandunzippedhisfly.Hismusclesbunchedandshifted,andthedragontattoowinkedatherashesteppedfreeofhispantswithmasculinegrace.ThiswasMichaelinallofhisnakedglory.Hewasperfection.Eventhatpartofhim.
OhGod,especiallythatpartofhim.Hiserectionstoodatattention,thickandveined,inflawlessproportiontotherestofhisbeautifulbody.She’djusthadthemostintenseorgasmofherlife,butshewantedmore.Shewantedthat.Itmadehermouthwater,andshe’dnevergivenamanoralsex.
Shecouldn’trememberhowtobreatheashekneeledonthebedandwrappedoneofherhandsaroundhim.Hewassohot,satinysoft,butrigidunderneath.Want,want,want.Inanywayshecould.Inwhateverwayheliked.
“Stella,thelookonyourface.”Hisvoicewashoarse,almostagroan.Heguidedherfistupanddownhislength,saying,“Thisismycock.Whenyouwantit,whenyouneedit,that’sthewordIwantyoutouse.”
Unabletospeak,shenodded.SecretStellalovedtheideaofdemandinghis…cock…andhimprovidingit,thoughshedidn’tthinkshe’deverbeabletogetthatwordpastherlips.Notunlesstheyweretalkingaboutfarmanimals.Probablynoteventhen.
“Doyouwanttoputitonme?”heasked,indicatingtheforgottencondominherotherhand.
Shelickedherlipsandclearedherthroat.“Yes.”
Herhandsweren’tsteady,sosheandMichaelendedupdoingittogether.Whentheyfinished,hepulledherclose,andsheshiveredatthefeeloftheirskincomingincontact.Hernipplesgrazedhischest,andhissolidlengthburnedagainstherlowerbelly.Heswepthishandsupanddownherbackasheangledhishead,tryingtocatchhergaze.
“Whywon’tyoulookatme?”
Shetrainedhereyesonthenotchatthebaseofhisthroatandhunchedhershouldersforward.“I’mfeelingveryself-conscious.”
“We’rebothnaked.”
Shedidn’tknowhowtoexplainthatitwasontheinsidethatshewasfeelingnaked.Ifhelookedintohereyes,he’dseeallofher,thepersonshekepthiddenaway.Noonewantedtoseethat.Thiswassupposedtobefunandeducational,notsoul-baring.
Hetippedherchinback,andshecaughtaglimpseoftendereyesbeforeshesqueezedherownshut.
“Kissme,please,”shesaid.
Warmlipstookhers,tastingofherandhimandsex.Hishandsgrewurgentashecaressedher.Hegrabbedherthighandhookedherlegaroundhiships,openinghertohim.Withaflexofhiships,hestrokedoverhersex.Thefrictionsentbloodpoolingfastandhot.
“Now,Stella.”
Shewrappedherarmsaroundthebarrelofhischestandpressedherlipstohisneck.“I’mready.”
Heloweredhertothebed,andhisbodycoveredher.Henuzzledagainstherjawandear,pressedsoftkissestohercheek,thecornerofhermouth,herlips.“Youhavetotalktome,okay?Ifsomethinghurts,ifyoudon’tlikeit,ifyouwantsomethingmore,ifit’sperfect.Sayeverything.”
Eyesstillshut,shesaid,“I’ll…try.”
Unexpectedly,heflippedheraroundsoshewasonherhandsandknees.“Ithinkyou’llfeellessself-consciousthisway.”
Sheopenedhereyes,takingintherumpledpillowsandwoodenheadboard.Hewasright.Thiswasbetter.Hecouldn’tseeher.Sheimmediatelyrelaxed.“Willitbegoodforyouthisway?”Theothermenhadallpreferredthemissionaryposition.
“No,it’sgoingtobeexcellent.”Roughhandsglideddownherbackandmassagedherwithvoluptuousmotions.Hisfirmchestbrushedagainsthershoulderbladesasheproppedanarmonthebednexttoher.Reachinginfrontofher,heslidahandupherinnerthigh.Hesearchedthroughherfoldsandsankhisfingersdeep,workingheruntilherhipswererockingandfreshmoisturedrenchedthebothofthem.Withdrawing,heteasedherclitoriswithgentletouches.
“Michael…”
“Stella,”hereplied,breathingheavilyinherear.
Somethinghardproddedattheentranceofherbodyandpushedinsideslowly.Stellastoppedbreathing.Sexhadhurtinthepast,buttherewasnothingnowbutasensuousstretchingthatwentonandonuntilMichaelseatedhimselffullyinsideher.Shetriedtoswallow,totalk.Couldn’t.Theyfitperfectly.
Forlongmoments,Michaelremainedimmobile.Sensingthetensioninhisbody,shelookedathimoverhershoulder.
“Michael?”
Hisfacewasdrawnasifinpain.“I’vebeenwantingthistoolong.It’stoogood.Youfeel…”Heexhaled.“IfImove,I’mgoingtoloseit.”
Shecouldn’tstopherselffromsmiling.Shewasn’taloneinthis.“Move.”Shearchedherbackandrockedagainsthim.Themotionpushedhiminevendeeper,filledher.
Arawgroanescapedhisthroat.“Stella,I’mserious.Givemeamomenttocooldown.Thisisourfirsttime.Iwantfireworksforyou.”
Ourfirsttime.Hemadeitsoundliketherewouldbelotsoftimes.Thethoughtmadehersohappyherheartwantedtoburst.Shedidn’tneedfireworks.Shejustneededhim
Wetkisseslandedonherneck,interspersedwithteasingnipsandgreedylicks.Hetracedthefoldsstretchedtightlyaroundhimbeforeslidinghisslickfingertipshigher.Whenherubbedherthere,sheclenchedonhimandmoaned.
Onlythendidhebeginmoving.Hewithdrew,thrustbackintoher,retreated,returned,pickingupadrivingrhythm.Thetwinassaultsofhisfingersandinvadingsexkindledflamesbeneathherskinthatspreadoutwardinwideningrings.
“Stella,”hesaidwithagroan.“Youfeeltoogood.SweetStella,myStella.”
Hiswordssoothedandexcited.Shetriedtospeakashe’daskedherto,butallthatcameoutweregaspsandsighsofpleasure.Instead,shecommunicatedhowshefeltwithherbody.Shespreadherthighswiderandwrithedtomatchhimthrustforthrust.Didhelikethat?Orwasshebeingtoodebauched?Thehandproppedagainstthemattresscapturedhers,andheinterlacedtheirfingers.
“Justlikethat,”hewhispered.“Perfect.”
Hersexfistedtight.Foratimelessmoment,shehoveredonthebrink,breathless,possessed,loved.Theorgasmcrashedoverher.Sherippledaroundhimashedroveintoherrelentlessly.Sheattemptedtomeethisthrusts,butthestrongconvulsionsgrippingherbodystolehercoordination.
Hislipstraveledfromhernecktoherjaw,andwhensheturnedtowardhimblindly,hecapturedhermouth,strokinghistonguedeep.Thecaressesbetweenherlegsdidnotease,andbeforethelastorgasmhadfinished,shefeltanotherbuilding.Hermusclesflutteredaroundhisimpalement,clampeddown,andexplodedyetagain.Withahoarsegroan,hesurgedintoheronelasttime.
Herubbedhisjawagainsthercheekandneckandloweredhershakingbodytothebed,heldhercloselikeshewashis.Shestrokedclumsyhandsoverthestrongarmswrappedaroundherandheldhimback.
Untilsherememberedsexdidn’tmeananythingtohim,andsheloosenedhergripsomewhat.Michaelenjoyedphysicalintimacy.Thatwasall.
Emotioncloggedherthroat,anyway.Ifthiswasjustpractice,sheneverwantedtherealthing.Howlongcouldsheliveinafantasy?{CHAP+ER}
16
AsMichaelembracedaboneless,contentedStella,hisheartstumbledaroundhischestlikeadrunkenman.
Thathadn’tbeenpracticefuckingforapracticerelationshiporprobonofuckingtoprovehewasbetterthanhisdad.
He’dfuckedhundredsofwomen,buthe’dneverbeensointunewithonewoman’sbody.He’dneverbeensodesperatetopleaseorsoelatedwhenshecriedhisnameandcameforhimagainandagainandagain.
Hedidn’tknowwhatthathadbeen,butitsureashellhadn’tbeenfucking.
Shehuggedhimtighter,pressedsloppykissestohisshoulderandneck,andgrinnedupathim.Shearabesquedherfingersonhischest—apparentlythiswasnotalwaysabadsign—andittickledlikehell.
Heflattenedherfingersagainsthishearttostilltheirtappingandtriedtoputhimselfinaprofessionalstateofmind.“Lookatyou.I’mexpectinganotherfive-starreview.”
“Sixstars.”Hergrinwidened,andchocolateeyesshoneathimandforgottodartaway,lettinghimreallylookatherforthefirsttimethatmorning.Itmadehimfeellikehe’dwonsomethingpriceless,kickedthebreathstraightoutofhislungs.
“You’rebadformyego.It’sbigenoughasitis,”hemadehimselfsayinalighttone.
“Youdon’tactegotistical.You’reverymodestbutconfident.It’soneofthemanythingsIloveaboutyou.”
Love?
Sharpnesspangedinsidehischest.
Shecouldneverlovehim.Hefeltthecertaintywitheveryfiberofhimself.Loverequiredtrust,andonlyafoolwouldtrusthim.Hewashisfather’sson.
Buthecouldprovehewasmoreifhedidthisright.Thatwasallhecouldaskfor.Heglancedattheclockandwasamazedtoseeitwasn’teventenyet.Theeventsofthemorninghadfeltlife-changing,butthey’donlybeenawakefortwohours.
“I’mstarving,andIneedcoffee,”hesaid.“Ialsoneedtogetmycar.Allofmycleanclothesareinthere.”
Mostly,heneededsomespace.Shewasgettingtooclose,andheneededtoputdistancebetweenthem.Hegotoutofbedandpulledonhisjeans,fullyawareofhisaudience’sappreciativegaze.Hefeltalittleridiculousaboutit,butmaybehediditslowly.Maybeheflexedhisabsandbicepsashezippedhisflyandbuttonedhispants.Becausereally,puttingonpantsrequiredalotofmuscle.
“Hurryupandgetready,Stella.”
Herbrowfurrowed.“Why?”
“We’regoingshopping.CouplesdothatonSundays.”
???
Stellapursedherlipsasshestaredatherreflectioninthemirror.Michaelhadjustopenedupanentirenewbranchofappareltoher.
Yogaclothes.
Inparticular,yogapants
Shewasverypossiblyinheaven.Thepantsdidn’titchatall,andtheyweretight.Shelovedclothesthathuggedher.Evenbetter,theymadeherlegsandbuttlookoutstanding.Shelookedlikeadancer.Orayogi.Orsomehybridizedversionofthetwo.
“ComeoutsoIcansee,”Michaelsaidfromoutsidethechangingroom.
Bitingherliptohidehersmile,sheopenedthedoorandsteppedout.
Hiscrookedgrincameoutinfullforce,andhisraredimplewinked.“Knewit.”
“Doyoulikeit?”Shesmoothedahandoverhertummyandturnedinaslowcircle.
Hestoodupfromthewaitingchairandapproachedher,runningappraisingeyesoverhercurves.Heslidahanddownthelengthofhernecktohershoulderandacrossthetight-fittinglongsleevesohecouldinterlacetheirfingers.“Iloveit.”
“I’msexyinthis.”
Hewrappedanarmaroundherwaistanddrewhernear.“Verysexy.”Hebrushedhislipsoverhersandtickledhiswaytoherearandneck,makinghersquirmandbitebackgigglesthatwouldhavebeendecidedlyunsexy.
Fromthecornerofhereye,shecaughtashopgirlwatchingherwithopenenvy.ThegirlmouthedthewordsSolucky,andStellagrinnedeventhoughshehadmixedfeelings.Noneofthiswasreal.Shewaspayingforit.Notthatshemindedtheexpense.Michaelwaswortheverypenny.
“Iassumeyou’regoingtobuythem?”
“Oneofeverycolor.”
“Ihavetoputmyfootdown.Notthefluorescentorangewithyellowspots.Ithurtsme,”hesaidwithawince.
“Nofluorescentorangeandyellow,gotit.Oh,theyhavedresses.”Hereyesroundedatthepossibilities.
WhentheystoppedforlunchatasmallFrenchbakeryintheStanfordMall,threeenormousbagsofappareltookupthespaceonthepavementbytheirfeet.Heinsistedtheyhadthebestnon-AsiansandwichesinCalifornia,whichStellafoundinterestingbecauseshehadn’tevenknownAsiansandwicheswereathing
Sheexpectedthesandwichestobestackedhighwithdeligoodness,butwhenhebroughtlunchtotheiroutdoortable,itwasplainbaguetteswithturkey,Swiss,andbutter.Atleasthe’dboughtanalmondcroissant,too.Tohersurprise,herfirstbiteofthebaguettewasdelicious.
“Thesecretisreallygoodbreadandbutter.Allyouneedisstrongbasics,”hesaidwithawink,andshegotthefeelinghewastalkingaboutmorethanfood.
Aslightafternoonshoppertrafficpassedbyandthesunshonedownthroughthetrees,Stelladecidedshemightwanttodothisagain.HerregularSundayschedulewasshot,butshewasopentodevelopinganewweekendroutine.Shewasadaptable,especiallywhenthingsinvolvedMichael.
Dressedincasualkhakisandawhitebutton-downopenatthecollarandrolleduptohiselbows,helookedmagazinedelicious—asusual.Itoccurredtoherthey’dspenttheentiremorningshoppingforher.Howselfishandself-absorbedofher.
“Doyouwanttolookatmen’sattire?”Sheconsideredtheshopsaroundthem,wonderingifanyofthemappealedtohim.
Heshookhisheadwithafunnysmile.“No,thanks.”
“Areyousure?Wouldyouletmegetyousomething?”Whenhisexpressionwentuncomfortable,herheartbeatpickedup,andshetriedtomakelightofthesituationbyadding,“Sinceyouwon’tletmegetyouaLamborghini.”
Hesentherasearchinglook.“WouldyoureallygetmeaLamborghiniifIwantedit?”
Shestareddownatthecrumbsonhersandwichwrapperandnodded.“Icanaffordit,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking.Idon’treallyknowhowtotalkaboutmoneymatters,butImakealot,andtherearen’tmanythingsIwanttospenditon.Iwouldlovetogetyouacar.Especiallyif—”Shecutherselfoffbeforeshecouldsaysomethingthatwouldmakehimangry.
“Ifwhat?”
“I’drathernotsay.I’mprettysureit’snotappropriate.”
Hetiltedhisheadtotheside,andhisexpressiongrewshuttered.“I’dliketohearit.”
“Iwasgoingtosay…”Shetookanuncomfortablebreath.“Especiallyifanotherwomangotyoutheoneyouhave.”
Hefocusedonfoldinghissandwichwrapperintoaneatsquare.“Areyouaskingifthecarwasagift?”
Shewasprettysureitwas,anditinfuriatedher.“Yes.”
“Itwas,actually.”
“Fromtheblondeattheclub.”
Hisbrowwrinkled.“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“She’stheclientwhowon’tleaveyoualone.”Thememoryofthewomankissinghimflashedinhermind,andStella’shacklesrose.Notonlythat,buthe’dhadsexwithher—probablymultipletimes.Shedughernailsintotheglasssurfaceofthetableasherbreathingwentfastandbitter.
Hesettledahandontopofhers,andherheartrateeased.“Idon’tlikegettingthosekindsofgifts.Pleasedon’t,okay?”
“Okay.”Butshecouldn’thelpfeelinghekeptthegiftbecausehelikedthewomanwho’dgivenittohim.Wasn’tthatwhatyoudidwhensomeonemeantsomethingtoyou?Youkeptthethingstheygaveyou?
Shewantedhimtokeepsomethingfromher.Thefactthathewasn’tallowinghertogivehimanythingmadeherfeelalmostdesperate.
“You’vegotyourworkcutoutforyouifyou’regoingtostartgettingjealousofmypastclients,Stella,”hesaid,hiseyeslevelandhisvoicesomber,likehisescortingwasasadrealitytheyhadtoaccept.
Questionafterquestionpiledonhertongue.Ifhedidn’tlikeit,whydidhedoit?Hewassotalentedwithclothes.Whydidn’themakemoreofitinsteadofdrycleaningandalteringit?Whatdidheusehisescortingmoneyon?Didhehavesomesecretaddiction?Washeindanger?
Whycouldn’thebehersforreal?
Hewashersfornow,though.Hedidn’twanttheblonde.Hehadn’tbeenwiththeblondethismorning.
Astheyfinishedupwithlunch,thequestionfrombeforepersistedinthebackofhermind.
Whycouldn’thebehersforreal?
Therewasonlyoneplausiblereasonshecouldthinkof:Hedidn’twantherback.
Thingslikethatweren’twritteninstone,though.Atthebeginningofallofthis,she’dbeenpreparedtolearnskillsthatwouldaidherinseducingaman—possiblyPhilipJames.ButwhyshouldshesettleforPhilipwhenmaybeshecouldhaveMichael?Couldsheusewhathetaughther…onhim?Couldsheseduceherescort?{CHAP+ER}
17
Shewassupposedbeworking.Theonlineunderclothesprojectwasinteresting.Normally,she’dhavefinishedbynow.Butshesimplycouldnotlookatunderwear,eventhewordunderwear,andnotthinkofMichael.
Thedeskdrawerwhereshekeptherphonebeckonedtoher.Shewantedtotexthim.Wasthat…allowed?Asidefromthatnightatheroffice,they’donlytextedforlogisticalpurposes.
Shetappedherfingersonthesurfaceofherdeskbeforeshefistedherhand.Howwasshesupposedtoseducehimifshecouldn’tgetupthenervetosendhimasimpletextmessage?Shedugherphoneout.
Hi.
Shedeletedthemessagebeforesendingit.
Imissyou.
Justthesightofthosewordsmadeherpalmssweat.Toodirect.Delete.
Iwantedtoconfirmourplansfortonight.
Shehitsendandplacedthephoneonherdeskasshestaredathercomputermonitorswithoutseeingasinglething.Thescreenonherphonewentblackfrominactivity.Hewasprobablybusy.
Herphonevibrated,butinsteadofbuzzingoncetoindicateshe’dgottenatextmessage,itkeptbuzzing.Aphonecall.
Shepeekedatthescreen,andherheartjumpedwhenshesawitwasMichael.Shehuggedthephonetoherchestbeforeansweringit.“Hello?”
“Hi,Stella.”Inthebackground,hismomgabbedinVietnameseandasewingmachinewhirred.“IneedbothhandssoIdecidedtocallyoubackinsteadoftexting.We’restillonfortonight.ThatThaiplaceinMountainView.”
“Okay,I’llmeetyouthere.”
“Perfect.”
Thesewingmachinepaused,andsilencehunginthevirtualspacebetweenthem.Shewilledhimtospeak.Shewantedtohearhisvoiceagain.
“Rememberclothes.Formyplace.Unlessyoudon’twanttostaythere.Youdon’thaveto,”shesaidinarush.
“No,I’mfinewiththat.Ijustforgot.Thanksforremindingme.”Hechuckled,andStella’shandstightenedonthephone.Shereally,reallymissedhim,andithadonlybeenadaysinceshe’dseenhimlast.
Hismomsaidsomething,andhesighed.“Ihavetogo.Lookingforwardtotonight.Missyou.Bye.”
Herbreathcaughtbeforeshemurmured,“Missyou,too.”Thelinehadalreadydisconnected,however,andshesaidthewordstoherself.
Howdidotherpeoplegetthroughtheirdaywhentheymissedsomeonelikethis?Shewantedtoseehim.
Shetappedonherphone’sphotobank,andfoundit,asshe’dknownitwouldbe,empty.Feelingimpulsive,shetextedMichaelagain.
Iwantapictureofyouformyphone.
Please.
Shewaited.
Whenshelosthopethathe’drespondandsetherphoneonherdesk,itvibrated.
Itwasaquickselfie,aclose-upofhisfacewithhiseyebrowraised.Helookedgoofybutstillutterlydelectable.Shesighedandranherthumboverhischeek.
Herphonebuzzedagainwithtextmessagesfromhim.
Where’smine?
Iwantyourhairdown.
Shereleasedadisbelievinglaugh.Areyouserious?
Hairdown.Selfie.Now.
Undoyourtoptwobuttons,too.
Feelingsilly,shegrippedtherubberbandholdingherhairbackandtriedtopullitfree.Itcaught,andwhenshepulledharder,itsnapped,unraveledfromherhair,andlandedonthefloor.Sheworkedthestrandsapartwithherfingersandthenloosenedthetopbuttonsofhershirt.Herfacepeeredatherfromthephonescreen,butshelooked…different.Shedidn’tlooklikeregularStella.ShelookedlikeSecretStella,thegirlwhowasgoingtoseeherlovertonight.
Herfingeraccidentallyhitthecamerabutton,capturingherfaceasunderstandinghit.Thatwaswhattheywere.Theywerelovers.Shelikedthesoundofthat,quitealot.
ShesentthepicturetoMichael.
Almostinstantly,herphonevibrated.
Damn,Stella.
Sexy.As.Hell.
Alaughbubbledfree,andshewashalftemptedtosendhimsomethingreallysexy.Exceptshehadnocluehowtogoaboutit.Therewasprobablyanarttothecameraangleandbodypositioning,andherofficewassurroundedbywindows.Eitherhercolleagueswouldgetaneyefulorshe’dhavetofigureoutsomewaytostuffherphoneinsideherfittedclothes
Shesetherphonedownindefeatandmadeherselffocusonherwork,whichshestillloved.Asshewadedthroughthedata,sheranacrossaninterestingfinding:Thevastmajorityofmarriedmendidn’tbuyunderclothes—notevenforthemselves.Theirwivesdid.Screeningandfilteringthedata,lookingbackthroughthemanyyearsofnumbersprovided,shediscoveredtheyquitpurchasingunderclothesevenbeforepublicrecordsannouncedtheirmarriages.
Whatwasgoingonthere?Whatkindofanthropologicalphenomenonwasthis?
Thethrillofanewpuzzlesimmeredthroughherveins,captivatingher.Sheplottedthedataagainstseveraldifferentvariables,analyzedthecurvesandseeminglyrandomscattergraphs,lookedatthestatistics.Shecouldnotfigureitout.Shelovedwhenshecouldn’tfigureitout.
Herphonebuzzed,andthescreenread,DinnerwithMichael
Shesentalongingglanceathercomputermonitors,butshedidn’tletherhandstouchherkeyboardagain.Therewasnosuchthingasfivemoreminutesforher.Ifshewentbacktowork,thenexttimeshesurfacedfromthedatawouldbewellaftermidnight.Thatwaswhyshesetthealarms.
Also,Michaelwasjustasinterestingasthedata,andhemadeherlaugh.Hesmelledgoodandfeltgoodandtastedgoodand…Shehuggedherselfasherfeetdancedoverthecarpet.Thiswasalmosttoomuchperfectness.Excitingworkduringtheday.ExcitingMichaelatnight.Shewantedthiseveryday,forever.
Shesavedherwork,powereddownhercomputer,andgatheredupherthings.Walkingdownthehallwaywhilepeoplewerestillintheofficewassomethingshedidrarely,buthercoworkersdidn’tusuallythinkmuchaboutit.Tonight,however,theunusualattentionshegotasshepassedbyconfusedher.Thetopeconometriciansintheirofficespausedinthemiddleofwritingformulasontheirwhiteboards.Theyoungeranalystsintheircubiclesgaveherstartledlooks.
AsshestrodepastPhilip’soffice,helookedupfromthepapersonhisdeskanddidadoubletake.Shewavedathimandwenttotheelevatorbanks.Justasthedoorsbegantoclose,Philipjumpedinside.
“You’reheadingoutearlytoday,”hesaid.
Intheprocessofadjustingherglasses,sherealizedherhairwasdown.Thiswaswhyeveryonewasactingsofunny.Sherolledhereyes.Itwasjusthair.“Dinnerplans.”
Philip’slighteyestrackedoverherinathoroughsweep.“Meetingsomeone?”
Shetuckedherhairbehindherear.“Yes.”
“Tookmyadvice,huh?”hesaidwithhisusualsmirk.
“Idid,actually.Thanks.”
Heblinked,andhiseyebrowsclimbed.“You’resurprising,Stella,andyoulookgoodwithyourhairdown.”
Theappraisingnatureofhisgazemadeherthoroughlyuncomfortable,andsheitchedtorefastenhertoptwobuttons.“Thanks.”
“Sowhoishe?DoIknowhim?Isitserious?”
Shetappedherfingersonherthighs.“Idon’tthinkyouknowhim.Ihopeit’sserious.It’sserioustome.”
“Don’taskhimtomarryyoutoosoon,okay?Thatscaresthecrapoutofguys.”
Shescowledathim.
Heclearedhisthroat.“Sorry,thatcameoutwrong.Justgoslow.That’swhatImeanttosay.”
Whentheelevatordingedandthedoorsslidopen,hepressedahandtothedoorsensortokeepitopen.“Ladiesfirst.”
Shemarchedout,hopingafastgaitwouldhelpherleavehimbehind,buthespeed-walkedtoherside.
“Whereareyoutwogoing?”
“AThaiplace.”Shespottedhercarintheparkinglotandwishedshecouldteleportherselfdirectlyinside.Shewasneverwearingherhairdownatworkagain.
“Soyoulikespicyfood?”
“Ido.I’lltellyouifthisplaceisanygood,andyoucantakeHeidithere.”
“NotdatingHeidianymore.Shereallyistooyoungforme.Nocommonground.ShesaidIhavetoworkonhowIcommunicatewithpeople.Apparently,Icomeacrosscondescending.It’sfrustrating.Ican’thelpitifIknowthings.”Hecoughed.“Forgetthatlastpart.”
Thatgaveherpause.Sheknewwhatitwasliketohavetroublecommunicating.DidthatmeanHeidihadbrokenthingsoff?Underneathhisobnoxiousexterior,wasPhilipsad?Washecapableofbeingsad?“Isee.”
“YouandIhavecommonground.”Bythelookinhiseyes,hemeantit.Hewasactuallyinterestedinhernow.
Stellastoppedathercar.“Wedo.”
Hermotherthoughttheywereperfectforoneanother.Ifhehadn’tinspiredhertowardout-of-the-boxthinkingwithhisassholeadvice,shemightactuallybeinterestedback.Attheveryleast,shemighthavelethimbeherfourthdisastroussexualencounter.
Notanylonger.TheonlyoneshewantednowwasMichael.
“Ihavetogo,orI’llbelate.”
Hesteppedback.“Haveagoodnight,Stella.Nottoogood,though.Seeyoutomorrow.”
Aftershegotinsidehercarandbuckledup,shecaughtsightofhimgettingintohisownvehicle.Abrand-new,brightredLamborghini.Notherstyleatall.Shewouldhavehateditonsightifitweren’tforthefactthatMichaellikedthem.
Sighing,sheheadedtomeethim.Thedrivewasquick,anditwasn’tlongbeforeshewalkedintothehumidinterioroftherestaurant.Hewaswaitingforheratatablefortwobythewindow,lookingediblehimselfinblackslacks,astripedbutton-down,andablacksilkvestthatfithistrimwaisttoperfection.
Hiseyestwinkled,andhetappedhislipswithanindexfingerashewatchedherwalkbetweenrowsoftablestowardhim.Whenshereachedthetable,hestoodupandwrappedherinatightembrace,pressinghislipsagainstherneckashewovehisfingersintoherlooselocks.“Allthishair.MyStellalooksgorgeoustonight.”
Shebreathedhiminandmoldedherselfagainsthim.Asenseofrightnesslockedintoplace,andherresolvehardened.Shewasgoingtoseducehim.Ifshecouldjustfigureouthow.“MyrubberbandbrokewhenItookitoutearlier.NoweveryoneatworkthinksI’vetakenupstripping.”
Hisshouldersshookashelaughed.
Thewaiterapproached,andtheyreluctantlybrokeaparttosit.
“Youcould,youknow.You’vegotthebody,”hesaidwithateasinggrin.
“Withmycoordination,I’dconcussmyselfonthepole.”
Hestayedwiselysilentonthetopicofhercoordination.
“IsthisanotherMichaeloriginal?”sheasked,indicatinghisvest,whichshelovedtodistraction.
“Ofcourse.Bythelookinyoureyes,youwanttotouchit.Myworkiscomplete.”
Thatwaswhenshenoticedshewasreachingacrossthetabletowardhim.Shepulledherhandsbackandsatonthem,adjustingherglasseswithawrinkleofhernose.
“Youcanlookatitmorecloselylater.”Heheldapalmoutonthetableandcockedhisheadtotheside,waiting,andsherealizedhewantedtoholdherhand.
Howwasshesupposedtoseducehimwhenheseducedhersowell?
Shewithdrewherhandfromunderneathherselfandsettleditinhis.Heclosedhisfingersaroundhersandstrokedhisthumboverthebackofherhand.
“H-howwasyourday?”Asthewordslefthermouth,sherecognizeditwasthefirsttimeshe’daskedhimthat.Itwasn’tthefirsttimeshe’dwantedtoknow.Wasittoopersonal?Couldsheaskhimthingslikethat?
Hislipstwistedwithsomethingbetweenasmileandagrimace.“It’spromseason.Notmyfavoritetimeofyear.”
“Lotsofalterations?”
“Andsquealingteenagedgirls.”
“Theymustallcrushonyouinstantly.”Thathadtogetprettyexhausting.
“Ihavemymomdomostofthosefittings,soit’snotsobad.ButIamgoingcross-eyedfromallthespaghetti-strappedgowns.Yourpicturewasthehighlightofmyday.”
Thatsoundedterrible.Herpicturehadn’tevenbeenthatgood.“Doyouwishyoucouldworkwithmoremenswear,then?”
Thethoughtthathewasn’tdoingwhathelovedfeltlikeasharpburinherside.Shewouldneedtherapyifshehadtodoworkshedetestedallday,everyday,everyweek.
Heshrugged,buthisexpressionwasthoughtful.“Ipreferthecreativesideofthework,makingsomethingnew.Idon’tmindtheactualconstructingandaltering,butit’snotverychallenging.”
“Haveyouthoughtofstartingyourownline?”Shecoveredhermouthastheideaoccurredtoher.“YoucouldgoononeofthoserealityTVfashioncontests.Youwouldwin.”
Hesmileddownattheirjoinedhands,butitwasn’tahappysmile.“Threeyearsago,Igotselectedforaspotononeofthose.Ithinktheylikedmyfacebetterthanmyportfolio,butwhatever.Anopportunityisanopportunity.Stuffhappened,though,andmymomgotsick.Ihadtoturnitdown.”
TheblooddrainedfromStella’sfaceasherchestbrokeopen.Ofcourse,hewoulddothatforhismom.
Heglancedupather,andhisexpressionwenttender.“Don’tlooksosad.She’sdoingreallywelllately.”
“It’s…cancer?”Shevaguelyrecalledhearinghissistersmentionchemowhiletheywerefighting,butshe’dbeensooverwhelmedshehadn’tfullyabsorbedtheinformation.Howhadthatgottenpasther?Whatkindofpersonwasshe?
“Stagefour,incurable,inoperable,lungcancer.No,she’sneversmoked.Shejusthasbadluck.Thelatesttreatmentsareworkingforher,though.Thingshavebeengood,”hesaidwithanencouragingsmile.
Shesqueezedhishandtightasshegazedathim.Didhehaveanyideahowindescribablywonderfulhewas?
Thewaiterarrived,andMichaelaskedher,“Wantmetoorder?”Whenshenodded,herattledoffthenamesofafewdisheswithoutlookingatthemenu.
“Howwasyourday?”heasked.
“Fine.”
Hegrinnedandpinchedherchin.“Details,Stella.”
“Oh.Well…I’veencounteredaninterestingpuzzlewithmywork.ThereisthisfascinatingphenomenonIcan’texpl—whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”
Hisheadwastiltedtotheside,hissmileparticularlyfond.“Youareadorablysexywhenyoutalkaboutyourwork.”
“Thosethingsdon’tgotogether.”
Helaughed.“Theydowithyou.Continue,puzzlefascinatingphenomenon.”
“I’lltellyouwhenIfigureitout.WhichIwill.Let’sseehere.Whatelsehappened?Oh,mybossispressuringmetohireanintern.AndItookmyfirstselfietoday.”SheleftouteverythingrelatingtoPhilip.Therewasnoneedtomentionthatuncomfortableencounter.
“Doesyourbossthinkyou’reworkingtoomuch?”
Sheshrugged.“Whodoesn’tthinkthat?”
“It’snottoomuchifyouloveit.Likeyoudo.”
“Precisely.Pleasetellmymotherthat.”
“IfIseeher,Iwill,”hesaid.Butjudgingfromthetoneofhisvoice,hethoughtthelikelihoodofhisseeinghermotherwaslow.
“Thatwouldbeinaboutamonthatthebenefitdinnershe’sthrowing.Ifyouwanttocomewithme,thatis.Youdon’thaveto,”sheaddedquickly.
Themusclesinhisjawworkedasheconsideredher.“Doyouwantmetocome?”
Shenodded.“She’sthreatenedtomatchmakeifIdon’thaveadate.”AndsheonlywantedtobewithMichael.Nooneelse.
“Verydire,indeed.Whenisit?”
“ASaturdayevening.Formalattire.Thatshouldn’tbeaproblemforyou.”
Thecornerofhismouthkickedup,butthetensionaroundhiseyesremained.“Allright,I’llmarkitonmycalendar.I’dbehappytogo.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Shebitherlip,hesitated,butdecidedtogoaheadandsayit.“Willyoumakemydress?”
Hesearchedhereyesforalongmoment.“Okay.”
“I’llpayforit,ofcourse—”
“Waituntilyouseeitfirst,”hesaid,bringingherhanduptohismouthsohecouldkissherknuckles.
“I’mgoingtoloveit.”
Heshookwithanotherlaugh.“Ithinkyouwill.”
Dinnerarrived,andconversation—realconversation—continuedatasteadypaceastheyatefoodspicedwithlemongrass,makrutlimeleaves,basil,andredchilipeppersthatburnedherlips.SheaskedMichaelabouthisfavoritedesigners—JeanPaulGaultier,IsseyMiyake,andYvesSaintLaurent—andlearnedhe’dgonetofashionschoolinSanFrancisco.Heaskedwhenshe’ddiscoveredherloveofeconomics—highschool—andwhenshe’dhadherfirstboyfriend—never.He’dgonesteadywithagirlinfourthgrade,spendingtimewithherprimarilyontheschoolbus.Stellaatemorethanshenormallywouldhave.Shewantedtodragthisout.
Whenthebillcame,shegrabbedforit,butMichaelhandedthewaiterhiscreditcardwithadeptsmoothness.Shenarrowedhereyes.
Thiswasn’tthefirsttimehe’dinsistedonpayingforthingswithher,anditmadeherintenselyuncomfortable.Livingexpenseslikethesewereinconsequentialtoher,andheclearlyhadmoneytroubles.Whywouldn’theletherpay?Howcouldtheyworkaroundthis?Shehadnoideahowtodiscussmonetarythingswithoutinsultinghim.
Ontheirwayoutoftherestaurant,Michaelsaid,“Ineedtostopatmyplacetopickupmyclothes.Iforgotaboutituntilyouremindedme.”
“DoesthatmeanIcanseeit?”Orwasshemakingassumptionsbythinkingtheywerespendingthenighttogether?
“Ifyoureallywantto.It’snothingspecial.”Herubbedthebackofhisneck,lookingcharminglyillatease.
“Itcan’tbeworsethanmyplace.”
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”
“Myplaceisemptyand…sterile.”Peoplecalledherthatwhentheythoughtshewasn’tlistening.
Heranhisfingersacrosshercheekanddownherhair.“Itjustneedsfurniture.Comeon,then.It’sreallyclosetohere.”
Byreallyclose,hemighthavesaidhelivedintheapartmentcomplexrightnextdoor.Itwouldhavesavedherfromtryingtofindaplacetopark.Aftercirclingthepackedparkinglotunsuccessfully,hetoldhertotakehisassignedspot,andheparkedawaysoutonthestreetasshewaitedforhimbythecomplex’swatergarden.
Takingherhand,heledherupasetofoutdoorstairstohisthird-floorapartment.“Ididn’tcleanbeforeIleft,soexpecttheworst.Don’thaveaheartattack,okay?”
Shebracedherself.“Ipromise.”{CHAP+ER}
18
MichaelheldhisbreathasStellawalkedintohisone-bedroomapartment.Itwasn’tdirty—hewasactuallyasuperneatperson—butitwasn’tverynice,either.
Hetriedlookingatthespacethroughhereyes.AsmallbrownIkeasofasatagainstonewallofthelivingroomacrossfromamodest-sizedflat-screenTV.Atthebackoftheroomwerehisworkoutbenchandanarrangementoforganizedfreeweights.Hispunchingbaghungnearthecornerinflagrantviolationofhisrentalagreement.
Thekitchenwasacrampedareawithlaminatecountertops,anelectricrange,andasmallwoodentablewithfourmatchingchairs.Hekeptaplantinthecenterofthetableforcolorbecause,yeah,helikedthatsortofthing.Ametalfilingcabinetwaspushedagainstthebackwallwithbillsandthingsontophehadn’tgottenaroundtoyet.
Stellaremovedherhighheelsandsetthemnexttohisothershoes.HerpursesheplacedabsentlyonhiscouchassheinspectedtheDVDslinedupinsidetheTVconsole.
Leaningoverforacloserlook,shegavehimagratuitousviewofherlusciousass.“Youalphabetizethem.”
Hecouldn’thelplaughing.Sheneveractedthewayheexpected.“AmIrockingyourworld,Stella?”
“Whatisthis?LaughingintheWind?”Sheopenedtheglassdoorandpulledouttheone-inch-thickDVDcase.
“Onlythebestwuxiatelevisionseriesever.”
Sheglancedupfromtheboxwithherlipsparted,lookinglikeshe’dfoundtheHolyGrail,andittookeffortnottogrinlikehell.Noneofhispreviousgirlfriendshadknownwhatwuxiawas,letalonesharedhissecretdorkyobsession.
Tryingtostaycool,hekickedhisshoesoffandplacedthemnexttohers.“Youcanborrowitifyouwant.”
Shehuggedhertreasuretoherchest.“Okay,thanks.”
“Becareful,though.It’sreallyaddicting,andthereareeightyepisodesorsomething.”Herubbedthesmileoffhismouthandranhisfingersthroughhishair.“FeelfreetolookaroundwhileIpackmystuff.”
Butinsteadofstayingbehindwhenhewenttohisbedroom,shefollowedhimandperchedontheedgeofthebed,smilingathimbeforecheckingouttheplainspacewithcurioussweepsofhereyes.Dressedinherexpensivebusinessclothes,shelookedsooutofplaceinsidehischeapapartmentthathewonderedwhythefuckhe’dbroughtherhere.
Totormenthimself,probably.
Thiswasano-client,no-womanzone,aplacewherehewenttogetnormalinhishead.Howwashegoingtosethismindstraightwhenthingsendedifhehadmemoriesofhersittingonhisbed,waitingforhim,smilinginthewaythatwasjustforhim?
Heescapedtohiswalk-inclosetandstaredathissuitsandshirts,lettingthesightremindhimofatimewhenhehadn’tlivedwithanoosearoundhisneck.HementallypickedoutwhichgarmentstobringtoStella’sandretrievedablacksportsbagfromthetopshelf.Onhiswayoutofthecloset,hedeliberatedoverthenumberofsocksandboxerstopack.Aweek’sworthshould—
Stellawascurledupinhisblankets,burrowingintohispillowwithanexpressionofpureecstasyonherface.Itwasstrangeashell.Itshouldn’thavearousedhim.
Butitdid.
Hedroppedhisbagtothegroundandleanedoverher.“Nowthatyou’vefoundmypillowandsheets,youdon’tneedmeanymore.Isthatit?”hewhispered.
Hereyespoppedopen,andsheblushed.“Theysmellsogood.”
“Aren’tyouconcernedthey’redirty?”
Shewidenedhereyesandtossedtheblanketsawayfromherchest.Shelookedlikeshemightbesick,lookedalmostbetrayed.
Beforeshecouldstarthyperventilating,helaydownonthebedandgatheredheragainsthimself.“I’mtheonlyonewhosleepshere,Stella.Iwaskidding.AndIshoweratnight.”Hehadtowashhisclientsawaybeforeheslept.Nowaywouldhebringthemintohisbed.
Well,exceptforthisclient.NoneofhisruleshadeverappliedtoStella.
Shepoundedherfistsagainsthischestwithoutforce.“That’snotfunny,Michael.”
“I’msorry.”Hesmoothedthehairawayfromherfaceandstraightenedherglassesforher.“Iwasonlyteasingyou,andIdidn’tthinkabout…theothers…untilyoureactedthatway.”
“Youreallyhaven’tbroughtanyofthemhere?”
Wasshejealous?Didhewanthertobejealous?Fuckyes,hedid.“Never.”
Shepursedherlipslikeshewasbitingtheinside.“Ishouldleave.Ibargedmywayinhere,didn’tI?Thankyouforshowingittome.Ilikeit.Ishouldgetaplant.”
Shepreparedtogetup,andhetoldhimselftolethergo.Thisspacewasnotforclients,andhedidn’tneedmorememoriesofherinhisbed.
Lethergo.
Hisarmsrefusedtolisten.Theypulledherclosesotheirbodieslinedupinthatperfect,custom-madeway.
“Inmymind,Idon’tgroupyouwiththem,Stella.”
“Youdon’t?”
Shelookedsohopeful,Michaelcouldn’tstophimselffromsaying,“No.You’renotjustanotherclienttome.”
“Inagoodway,right?”sheaskedwithawobblysmile.
“Inthebestway.”Hestrokedherloosehair,andsheshuthereyesassheleanedintohiscaress,trustinghiminawaythathumbledhim.
Whenheslippedherglassesoffandsetthemonthenightstand,sheopenedhereyesandswallowed,drawinghisattentiontothewildlybeatingpulsepointbeneathherjaw.Hercheeksbloomedwithcolor.Shewantedhim.He’dneverlovedbeingwantedthismuch.
“Sopretty,Stella.”
Hebrushedhisthumbacrossherbottomlip,andshesighedandkisseditbeforeshesurprisedhimbysuckingitintohermouth.Shestrokedhertongueoverhimbeforeshebithim,sendingasuddenfireburstofsensationdirectlytohiscock.
“Wherethehelldidyoulearnthat?”
Shereleasedhisfinger.“Ijustwantedtodoit.ButIplantoresearcheroticfingerbitingtomorrow.”
“Youcouldaskme,youknow.”Heliftedhersmallhandtohismouthandbitthebaseofherpalm.
Herfingerstwitched,andherbreathcameoutinalong,raggedexhalation.“Iwanttoknowallthethingsyoulovemost.”Shecapturedhishandandbroughtittohermouth.Whiteteethnippedathisskin,andthehairsonhisbodystoodup.
“Ilovekissingyou,”headmitted.
Shetrailedherfingertipslightlyoverhislips.“DoesthatmeanIcankissyou?”
“Youdon’thavetoask.”Shewastheonlyonewhoeverdid.Maybethatwaswhyhewassocrazyabouther.
“IhavepermissiontokissyouwheneverIwant?”Shewatchedhismouthlikewhathesaidwastoogoodtobetrue.
“Yeah.”
Shebroughttheirlipstogetherandkissedhimlikehewasoxygenandshewasshortonair.Heranhishandsdownherbacktoherhips,cuppedhersweetass,pulledherintohishardness.Shestruggledtogetcloser,threadedherfingersthroughhishairasshepouredherselfintothekiss.
Sosoft,everypartofher.Butcoveredbyclothes.Michaellovedclothes,buttheylockedStellaaway.He’dneverfelttheurgetotearatbuttonslikehedidnow.Breakingthekiss,hecapturedahandandloosenedthecuffaroundherelegantwrist.
“Clothesoff,”hegrowled.
Afterhe’dunbuttonedhercuffs,shewordlesslywenttoworkonhis,andherealizedthiswasherfirsttimeundressinghim.He’dbeenundressedbyhundredsofdifferentpeople.Inthatmoment,hecouldn’trememberasingleoneoftheirfaces.
TherewasonlyStella.
Theyworkedtogether,theirarmscrisscrossingandintertwiningastheyunbuttonedeachother’sshirtsandhisvest,tuggedthetailsfree.Shestrokedpalehandsoverhischestandgrazedthedisksofhisnipples,makinghisskinburn.
Hetrailedhisfingersfromhercollarbone,downthevalleybetweenherbra-coveredbreasts,overherflatbelly,tothewaistbandofherskirt.Afterheundidthehookfasteningattheside,heeasedthezipperoverthesweetcurveofherhip.
“Skirtoff,Stella.IfIcan’ttouchyou,I’llgocrazy.”Heneededhishandsbetweenherlegs,neededtotasteher.
Shesatuponherkneesandloweredherskirt.Sittingbackdown,shepulledtheskirtallthewayoffandsetitonthenightstand.Shepeekedathimfrombeneathhereyelashesasshecurledherlegsunderherselfandfiddledwithheropencuffs.Herunbuttonedshirtexposedherskin-tonebraandpantiesandflawlesscreamyskin.
“You’restillwearingtoomanyclothes,”hesaid.
Shedrewhershirtoffwithashyshrugofhershouldersandunhookedherbra,lettingitfallfromherbreasts.Michaelalmostgroanedatthesightofherstiffnipples.Whensheranherpalmsoverherbreastsandrubbedthetipswithrestlessmotions,hedidgroan.Thatwasfuckinghot,andshehadnoclue.
“Itmakesthemachewhenyoulookatthemlikethat,”shewhispered.
“Likewhat?”herasped,wonderingifshe’dsayit.
“Likeyouwantt-to…”
“Lickthem?Suckthem?”
Herfacewentbrightred,butshenodded.
“Comehere.”
Shecrawledtohimandpressedherselftohisfront,nuzzlinghisneckasherhandssnuckbehindhimunderhisshirtandgraspedhisback.Thehardtipsofhernipplesgrazedhischest,andMichaelcouldn’tresistcuppinghertitsandtweakingthepebbledfleshwithhisfingers.Herbreathwasaraggedsighagainsthisthroatbeforeherteethscrapedathisskin.
“You’rewearingalotmoreclothesthanIam,Michael.”
“Thentakethemoffforme.”
Hereyesbrightened,andasmilecurvedonherlips.Ashe’dknownshewould,hisStellareallylikedtheideaofundressinghim.Shebrushedherhandsovertheblacksilkofhisvestbeforeshepusheditoverhisshouldersandsetitonthenightstandcarefully—becauseitwashiswork,andsherespectedthat.Suchasimplething,butitmadehimwanttowrapherupandneverlethergo.
Hisshirtcameoff,wasdrapedoverthenightstandaswell,andwhenherattentionreturnedtohim,shelostherfocus.Sherangreedyhandsoverhisarms,chest,andabs,tracedhistattoo.Shekissedthedragon’seye,lickedit.
“Iloveyourtattoo.”
“Youdon’tstrikemeasatattoogirl.”
“It’syours,Michael,”shesaidsimply.
Hepulledherhipsagainsthisandarchedintohersoshecouldfeelwhatshedidtohim.
Herheadfellback,andherbodysoftened.Michaelwasgood,buthe’dneverbeenthisgood.ItwaslikeStellawasmadeforhim,speciallydesignedtorespondtohim.Onlyhim.Thethoughtfilledhimwithfiercepossessiveness.
Hishandsgrewroughashetouchedherbody,moldinghertohimasheclaimedhermouth.Thekisswasasavagethingofteethandtongues,butshedidn’tprotest.Instead,shematchedhimroughnessforroughness,kissedhimuntilshewasgasping.
Hewasunpreparedwhenshestrokedovertheflyofhispants.Pleasurecoursedthroughhiminaheatedwave.Hiscockjumped,andahoarsegroantorefromhisthroat.Hisstomachmusclesflexedashetriedtocatchhisbreath.
“Ilovethispartofyou,”shewhisperedwithanotherstroke.“Showmehowtomakeyoufeelgood.”
Somevaguesenseofself-preservationtoldhimtodenyher,warnedthatheshouldn’tarmherwithtoolsthatwouldleadtohisdownfall,butasalways,hecouldn’trefuseher.Heunbuttonedandunzippedhispantsandwithdrewthehardlengthofhiscock,almostlosingitwhenhereyeswentdarkwithnakedlonging.
“Likethis.”Hewrappedherfingersaroundhimselfwithagroanandtaughthertherhythmhepreferred,thepressurethatdrovehimoutofhismind,thingshe’dnevershownhisclients.They’donlycaredaboutthemselves.
Stellawasdifferent.Herentirebeingwasfocusedonpleasinghim.Becauseshewantedtolearnhowtodothisforsomeoneelseorbecausehematteredtoherlikenooneeverhad?Heknewwhichoneitwas.Hestillwantedheranyway.
Heeasedhishandsdowntheswanlineofherspineandhookedhisthumbsintheelasticofherpanties,pushedthematerialdownherthighs.Theyweresoakedclearthrough,andthescentofherarousalpushedhimtotheedgeofhiscontrol.Healmostspilledintoherpalm.Shemightbepleasuringhimaspartofhersexed,butshewaslovingit,too.Youcouldn’tfakethiskindofevidence.
Aftersettlingherbackontothebed,hetoreherpantiesoff,balledthemup,andbroughtthemtohisnosetoinhaleherscent.“I’mkeepingthese.”
“They’renot—they’re—”
Hespreadherthighswideandtookinthesightofherbeautifulpussy.Wet,swollenfoldsflusheddeeppinkandblossomedwideopenforhim.Hisfingersrubbedoverheroftheirownvolitionandpushedintoher.
Fuck,theheat,thetightness.Soperfectforhim.Hisbodybecameoneenormousacheofwanting.
“Stella,doyouhaveanyideahowhotyour—”
“Michael,”shewhined,bendingherlegsrestlessly.“Don’tsayit.”
Hepaused.Herwordssaidno,butherbody…Herchestheavedonraggedbreaths,andshewasclenchedtightaroundhisfingers.
“IthinkyoulikeitwhenItalkdirtytoyou,”hewhispered.
Sheshookherheadfrantically.“It’sembarrassing.”
“Yourpussydoesn’tthinkso.You’remilkingmyfingers,Stella.”
Sheclenchedevenharderinresponseandarchedherhipsagainsthishand,drivinghimdeeper.
“It’sy-yourfingers.Ilovewhenyoutouchme.”Sheshuthereyesandranhercheekoverthesheets.
Withhisfreehand,hecaughtherclitbetweenhisfingersandstroked,slowandsure.Shepressedthebackofherhandtohermouthandtightenedaroundhim.Butnotasviolentlyasbefore.
HisStellalikedtobespokento.Alot
Thatwasfine.Michaellikedtotalk.
“Ithinkit’sthewords,”hesaidashecontinuedtostrokeherwithbothofhishands.“It’sashameyoucan’tseewhatyoulooklikerightnow.Myfingersareallthewayinsideyourpussy,andyou’redrenchingmypalm.Doesitfeelgood?”
Shebowedherbackandbunchedthesheetsinherhandsasshecalledouthisname.
Hernipplescaughthisattention,andhistonguecurledinhismouthasherememberedhertasteandtexture.“Dothosecandynipplesache?”
Shenodded,bumpedherhipsagainsthim,andslidherhandsupherbellytohertits.Afrustratedsoundtorefromherthroatasshepinchedatthetips.Shedroppedherhandstohersides.“Itonlyfeelsgoodwhenyoudoit.”
BecauseStella’smindneededtobeseducedasmuchasherbody,andapparently,hergeniusbrainreallylikedMichael.Hewasjustherpracticeboyfriend,butsherespondedtohimlikeshe’dneverrespondedtoanyoneelse.
Heputthembothoutoftortureandsuckedadecadentnippleintohismouth.“You’remadeofcandy,Stella.Sweet,sweet,sweet.”
Sherockedagainsthishandswithincreasingspeed.
“Areyougoingtocomeformesosoon?Ihaven’tevenlickedyourpussyyet.”
Awhimperingsoundescapedherlips,andherexpressionwentpained.Shelockeddownsohardhethoughtthatwasit,butafterabreathlessmoment,hermuscleseased.
“MaybeIshouldtryoutotherwords,”hewhisperedashetrailedhislipsdownherbelly.
Tinymusclesflutteredaroundhisfingers,andheknewshewasclose.Shesankherteethintoherbottomlipasshethrewherheadback,inhalingsharply.
Hetouchedhistonguetoherclitbeforeasking,“Isityour…box?”
“No.”
“Your…LadyV?”
Shesmiledintotheblankets.“No.”
“Beautifulvagina.”
Hersmilewidened,andsheshookherhead.
Helickedheragain,suckedonherwiththefaintestpressure,andshearchedagainsthismouth.Still,shehoveredonthebrink,exactlywherehewantedher.
“Iknow.”Hekissedherinnerthigh.“It’syour…”Heaccentedeachwordwithakissuponherdampskin.“Wet.Hot.Sweetpotato.”
Sheburstoutlaughing,andthesoundworkedintohimandaroundhim,fanningembersofhappinessintofullflame.Helovedthesoundofherlaughter.Helovedhersmile.Heloved—
Hecutoffthattrainofthoughtbeforeitcouldfinish.Nowwasnotthetimeforthinking.Itwastimeforfeeling.Helickedherclitintohismouth,andherlaughterturnedintoalongmoan.Shewoveherfingersintohishair,undulatingagainsthisface,andhewillfullylosthimselfinhertaste,herscent,hereroticsounds,andthefeelofheronhistongue.Nothingwasthisgood
Whenshegrippedhisshouldersandpulledinsistently,helookedupinconfusion.
“Michael,Iwantit.Ineedit.Now.Please,”shesaidbetweenheavypantsforbreath.
“It?”Fuck,wasshegoingtotalkdirtytohim?
Shecontinuedtryingtodraghimupoverher.“I’machingforyou,Michael.”
Tooshy,afterall,butherwordshithimjustashard.Hehadtotakeamomenttofocusonbreathingandnotspillingalloverthesheetsbeforeheclimbedoffthebed,turnedherover,andpulledherhipstotheedgeofthemattress.Thiswasthewaysheneededit.Itwastoopersonalforhertodoitwithhimfacetoface.Maybewithhernextman,she’d—
Hedistractedhimselffromthatshittyimagebyrunninghishandsoverhergenerousass.Theirrelationshipwasjustpracticeforher,butthismoment,rightnow,wasreal.“Iloveyourbed,butit’stoolowtotheground.Thereissomethingmineisperfectfor.”
Sheburiedherfaceinhissheets.“Now,please.”
Butwhenhepattedhispocket,itwasempty.Hegroanedindisbelief.Forgetblueorindigo.Violet.Hisballswereviolet.“Idon’thaveacondom.”Hewasanescort,forfuck’ssake,andhe’dforgottenacondom.He’dbeentooeagertoseeStellatogothroughhisregularpre-sessionchecklist.
“Don’tteasemelikethat,Michael.”Shearchedherhips,presentinghimwithaglimpseofherswollenpussy.God.
Hewantedtopressintohersobadlyhehurt.
“Notteasing.Ilefttheboxinmycar.”
Shestaredbackathimwithtormentedeyes.
“I’llberightback.”
Withthat,headjustedhispainfullyhardflesh,zippedandbuttonedhispants,andranfromhisapartment.{CHAP+ER}
19
StellacollapsedontoMichael’sbed.Afterherfirstthreesexualencounters,she’dbeenconvincedintercoursewasn’tforher.Ithadbeenmessy,attimespainful,andextremelyuncomfortable.Rightnow,itwasallshecouldthinkabout.
Herbodythrobbedfromtheforceofhercraving,achingtobefilled,andheld,and…spokento.
Shegrinnedassherecalledwhathe’dsaid.Didotherpeoplelaughduringsex?
Shetappedherfingersonthebedasshewaited,butpatiencehadneverbeenoneofherstrongsuits.Shewasapersonofaction.Shehatedwastingtime.Andshehadn’tfinishedinvestigatingMichael’sapartment.
Sheloweredherfeettothefloor,grabbedherglasses,andpulledhisshirton,smilingtoherselfwhenthetailsfelltoherknees.Thenon-Frenchseamsbotheredherskin,buthissmellmadeupfortheirritation.Besides,shewouldn’tbewearingthisforlong.
Apeekinsidehisclosetfilledherwithvastcontentment.Yes,itrockedherworld.Allofhisbeautifulsuitsandshirtswereperfectlylinedup,organizedbycolor,fabricsheen,andstripewidth.Shetrailedherfingersoverthesleevesofhissuitjacketsbeforesheturnedandconsideredhisdresser.Shewantedtoopenthedrawersandseehowhekepthissocks,butthatseemedintrusive.Whatifhecaughthersnooping?Wouldhethinkshewassearchingforsomething?Wasshesearchingforsomething?Maybeshewas,butnotforanythinginparticular.Shejustwantedtounderstandhimbetter.
Shepaddedoutofhisbedroom,walkedpasthisTV—she’dalreadyseenmostofthetitlesthereandhadstuffedLaughingintheWindinherpurse—trackedherfingertipsoverthecoldsurfacesofalltheordereddumbbellsontherackbyhisworkoutbench,slammedherfistintohispunchingbag,andthenrubbedatherknucklesbecausethathadhurt.
Alookinhisfridgetoldherhecookedregularly.ItwasfilledwithAsiancookingsauceswithmysteriouslabels,freshproduce,andallsortsofhealthythingsStellahadnoideawhattodowith.Therewereafewcontainersoftheyogurtsheliked,though.
Assheambledovertoadmiretheplantonhisdiningtable,thepapersontopofhismetalfilingcabinetcaughthereye.Bills,fromthelookofthem.
AndMichaelhadmoneyproblems.
Shesnuckaglanceatthefrontdoor,butitremainedshut.Sheperkedherears,listeningforthesoundofhisfootsteps.Nothing.
Herheartpounded.Sheknewthiswasaviolationofprivacy.Sheshouldn’t.
Sheunfoldedthetopbillandreaditasfastasshewascapable.Justanelectricbill.Lessthanahundreddollarsamonth.Shewasabouttofolditbackupwhenshenoticedthenameonthebill.MichaelLarsen.
Astrangepainpiercedherchest.Hehadn’ttrustedherwithhisrealname.
Shegrimaced.Ifshedidn’tknowwhohewas,shecouldn’tstalkhimafterthingsended.Sheputthebillbackthewayshe’dfoundit,butevenwithhowbittershefelt,shecouldn’thelpscanningtheotheroneonthefilecabinet.AmedicalbillfromthePaloAltoMedicalFoundation.Itwasn’taddressedtohim,however.ThenameonitwasMrs.AnhLarsen.
Stellasnatcheditupandreadtheitemizedlistofprocedures:CATscan,MRI,X-rays,blooddraws,bloodtests,etcetera.Thetotalcametoastaggering$12,556.89.
Wasn’tinsurancesupposedtocoverthesethings?
Shepressedanunsteadyhandtoherforehead.Hadhismomgottensickwithouthealthinsurance?WasMichaelpayinghermedicalbills?Howwashepaying.
Herbreathingwenterratic,andherstomachtwistedandsank.Michaeldidn’thaveadrugaddictionoragamblingproblem.
Hejustreallylovedhismom.
Theroomwentblurryashereyeswatered.Shestraightenedthebillsbacktothewayshe’dfoundthemandswallowedaroundtheknotinherthroat.He’dsleptwithallthosepeople,withher,becausehismomwassick.
Shepressedafisttoherlipsasshecurleduponhiscouch.Thedoorswungopen.
Michaeltookonelookatherandrushedtoherside.
“What’swrong?”
Sheopenedhermouthtospeak,butnothingcameout.
Hescootedontothecouchandwrappedherupinhisarms,kissinghertemple,wipingthetearsfromhercheeks,runninghishandsdownherback.“Whatisit?”
Whatdidshedonow?Howdidshesolvethis?Shedidn’tknowhowtocurecancer.Maybesheshouldhavegonetomedicalschoolafterall.
Shelockedherarmsaroundhisneckandkissedhim.
Hetriedtobackaway.“Youneedtotellme—”
Shekissedhimharder.Hesoftenedslightlyandkissedherbackforonedruggingsecondbeforehepulledawayagain.
“Tellmewhat’sgoingon,”hesaidfirmly.“Whyareyoucrying?DidIgotoofastagain?DidIdosomethingyou’renotreadyfor?”
Shedidn’tknowhowtocommunicatewhatshewasfeeling.Herchestwasburstingwithemotion.Itwastoomuch,toointense…Terrifying.
“I’mobsessedwithyou,Michael,”sheconfessed.“Idon’twantjustanightoraweekoramonthwithyou.Iwantyouallthetime.Ilikeyoubetterthancalculus,andmathistheonlythingthatunitestheuniverse.Whenyou’redonewithme,I’mgoingtobethatcrazyclientwhostalksyoujustsoIcanseeyoufromadistance.I’mgoingtocallyouuntilyou’reforcedtochangeyournumber.I’llbuyyouanextravagantcar,anythingandeverythingIcanthinkof,soIcanfeelconnectedtoyou.IliedwhenIpromisedIwouldn’tgetobsessedwithyou.That’smynature.Ihave—”
Hesealedhislipsoverhers,andhisurgencysearedthroughher.Hegraspedherwithroughhands,butshedidn’tcare.Sheclawedathispantsuntilshecouldfreehislength.Thenshetoreawayandworkedherwaydownhisbodytotakehimintohermouth.
Shesuckedandlavedhimwithclumsystrokesofhertongue.Shehadnoideawhatshewasdoing,buthedidn’tseemtomind.Herockedhishipsintohermouthwithsinuousmovements.Shestrokedhistattoo,caressedhisstrongthighs.Bythetensenessofhisbodyandtheincreasingspeedofhismotions,hishoarsesounds,sheknewhewasclose.Itfueledherownarousal,madeherpressherlegstogetherasmoisturecoatedherthighs.
“Iwantinsideyou,”hesaid,tryingtotugherawayfromhiserection.
ButStelladidn’twanttostop.Sheneededtofeelhimfillinghermouth,neededtotastehiscompletion.
Hegroanedassheresistedhispersistentattemptsatfreedom.Whenshefinallyrelented,lettinghimslipfromhermouth,hekissedherhungrilyandrolledherintothecouch.Aftersittingup,hedugintohispocket.Hischestworkedondeepgustingbreathsashetorethefoilopenandrolledthecondomon.
Heloweredhimselfoverherandkissedhermouth,herjaw,herneck.Hardfleshproddedathersex.Asheslidintoher,theireyesaccidentallymetandlocked.Panicspiked.Tooraw,tooexposed.Shetriedtolookawayuntilsherealizedthevulnerabilityshesawwashis.Darkeyesgazeddeep,seeingherseeinghim.
Theirbodiespickedupanelementaltempo.Hipssurgedandretreated,claimed,gave.Hesearchedbetweentheirbodiesuntilhecouldtouchherrightwheresheneededit.Sheburnedandwoundtighterandtighter.Moanstumbledfromherlipsasshearchedintohim.Throughitall,theirgazesheld.Hesawitall,hearditall.Shewouldhavebeenembarrassedifitweren’tforhissmile,thetenderwayhebrushedthehairfromherfacebeforehisfreehandtangledwithhers.ThemostincrediblefeelingofbeinglovedwashedoverStella.
Releaseseizedher.Hardwrenchingspasmsstoleherabilitytomove,speak,andthink.Thehandinterlacedwithherstightened.Hismotionsspedup.Withonelastdeepthrust,hejoinedherinfallingapart.
Theworldstopped.
Allwassilencebutfortheirheartstryingtosynchronizetheircrashing.
Whisperinghernameandkissinghersoftly,Michaeleasedoutofherbodyandcarriedherintohisbedroom.Hesettledheronthebedandpulledthecoversuptoherchin.Hedisappearedintothebathroom,andwaterran.Beforeshecouldstarttomisshimtoomuch,hereturnedandcrawledintobedsotheywerefacingeachother.
Heranhisfingersdownhercheekandpinchedherchin.
“DoesmyStellawanttostayorgohome?”
Shefeltagrinformingonhermouth.Whenhadhestartedcallingherthat?MyStella.Didheknowtherewasnothingshewantedmorethantobehis?Shewantedtoaskwhathemeantbyitbutwasafraidhe’dstopsayingit.
“Icanstaythenighthere?”Inhisapartment,inhisbedwhereclientsweren’tallowed?Wassherubbingoffonhim,then?Maybetherewashope.Maybehereallycouldbehers.
“Ifyouwantto.Noneofyourthingsarehere,though.You’dhavetousemytoothbrush,andyoudon’thaveanypajamas.Youmighthavetosleepnaked,”hesaidwithasuggestivearchofaneyebrow.
Thosethingsbotheredher,true.She’dprobablysleepterriblyandfeeloffalldaytomorrow.Butitwouldbeworthittobewithhim.Andtoputhermarkonhisapartmentlikewildanimalsdid—probablyeventhepugnacioushoneybadger.
“Iwanttostay.”
Hissmilealonemadeherdecisionworthit.{CHAP+ER}
20
Overthenextweek,MichaellearnedStella’srhythms.
Inbed,sherespondedbestwhenhewentslowlyandwhispereddirtythingsinherear,butifhewantedsomethingmoreintense—anything—shewasgameandeagertoplease.Hecouldn’thaveaskedforabetterlover.Theironyofthesituationwasnotlostonhim.
Outofbed,shethrivedonroutine.Shegotupatthesametimeeveryday,showeredawayevidenceoftheirmorningsex—helovedstartingthedayoffright—hadyogurtforbreakfast,andstayedattheofficeuntilsixo’clock.HereveningsbelongedtoMichael.Whentheyweren’tmessingaroundlikehormonalteenagers,theyfilledthetimewithlongdinners,meanderingconversation,andcompanionablesilencesthatMichaelhadneverexperiencedwitharealgirlfriend.
Saturdaynight,afterspendingthedayperusingoneoftheSanFranciscomuseumsandtakingturnsmakingoutlandishcommentsabouttheart,theywatchedanotherepisodeofLaughingintheWindinbed.Well,shewaswatchingit.Hewaswatchingherashecombedhisfingersthroughherlonghair.
Sherestedherheadagainsthisshoulder,eyesonthelargescreenmountedonherbedroomwall.Fromtimetotime,shegaspedorstiffenedinreactiontothefilm,andherbarelegsshiftedbeneaththehemoftheoversizedwhiteT-shirtshewore—hisT-shirtfromtheveryfirstnightthey’dspenttogether.
Hedidn’tknowhowtodescribethewayhefeltseeingherinhisclothes,knowingshe’dkepthisshirtandhadbeenwearingittosleepallthistime,butitwasreallygood.He’dbeenfeelinglikethisalotlately—basically,anytimeStellasmiled,demandedakiss,orcrossedtheroomtobenearhim,butalsowhentheyweren’ttogether.He’dspenttheentirepastweekinaeuphorichigh,grinningfornootherreasonthanhewasthinkingofher.
Nodoubtaboutit.
Michaelwasstupidinlove.
Heknewthiswastemporary,knewitwasn’treal,knewitcouldn’tpossiblyendwell,buthe’ddonewhatnoescortshoulddoanyway.He’dfallenforhisclient.
“Soshesavedhislife,butnowshe’shidingbehindthatcurtainpretendingtobeagrandma.Isheevergoingtoseeherface?”Stellaasked,drawinghisattentionbacktothescreen.“Isshetheonehefallsfor?”
“Doyoureallywantmetotellyou?”
Shethoughtaboutitforseveralsecondsbeforenodding.“Yes.Tellme.”
Helaughedashepulledhercloserandkissedhertemple.Sothoughtfulandseriousbutsoquirky,too.Helovedthatabouther.“Toobad.You’llhavetowatchittofindout.”Becausehecouldn’thelpit,hekissedherjawandnippedatherear.God,itfeltgoodhavinghernear.He’dbeenmadetoloveher.
Shecrossedherarms.“Whywon’tshelethimseeher?It’sclearshelikeshim.”
“It’sbecausesheknowstheycanneverbetogether.”
“Whynot?”
“Herdadisavillain.”WhichremindedMichaelofhimselfandhisownfuckheadofadadandshreddedhisinsidestopieces.
“Sheisn’tbad,though,”shesaidstubbornly.“Theycanworkitout.”
Hesaidnothing.Theheroineinthemoviewasn’tabadperson,butthejurywasstilloutonMichael.Hetriedtobegood,butwhenthingsgothardandhefeltlikehislifewasstranglinghim,awful,seductivethoughtsranthroughhishead.Shortcuts,easywaystofreedom,cleversneakythings.Heknewpeople.Itwouldbesoeasytotakeadvantageofthem.Therewasverylittlepreventinghimfromdoingexactlythat,nothingbutashakycodeofethicsandthedesirenottofollowinhisdad’sfootsteps.
Ifhewereabetterperson,he’dtellStellaabouthispastandlethertakethenecessaryprecautions,letherleave.Buthecouldn’tbringhimselftoendthis.Hewantedmoreofher,notless.Andtheirrelationshipwashelpingher.Hecouldtell.Daybyday,herconfidencegrew,andshesmiled,laughed,andevenjoked.Soon,she’ddecideshewasreadytomoveon.
Untilthen,Michaelwasdeterminedtoenjoyeverymomentwithher.Nuzzlinghersensitiveneck,hesweptahanduphersilk-smooththighandunderneathhisshirt.Thenhegroanedashisbodyhardened.
“Nounderwear?Tryingtotellmesomething,Stella?”hewhisperedinherear,lovingthewaysheshiveredandpartedherlegstoallowhimaccess.Sheneverturnedhimdown,wasjustasstarvedforhimashewasforher.
“Youalwaysthrowthemsomewhere,andittakesmeforevertofindthem.IfiguredI’djust—”Shegaspedwhenhemassagedherclit,andherheadfellbackagainsthisshoulder.
“Watchtheshow.Youmightmisssomething.”Fuck,shewaswetalready.Hotmoisturelickedoverhisfingertipsashetracedherfolds,andhiscockstrainedagainsthisjeanslikeithadbeenweekssincehe’dlasthadsex,nothours.Hewantedheragain,thatcloseness,thatconnection,thatunbelievable,mind-explodingpleasure.Noamountwasenough.
Shetriedtofollowdirections—shealwaysdid—butitwasn’tlongbeforeshegaveinandpulledhimdownforawildkiss,whichledtoanother,andanother,andanother…
ThenexttimehenoticedtheTV,ithadreturnedtothemainmenu.TheentireDVDhadplayedwhiletheywerebusywithotherthings.AfterwashingupandturningofftheTVandlights,heclimbedintobed.Stellamurmuredashegatheredheragainsthischest,butshepressedadrowsykisstohisthroat.
Possessivenessmixedwithtenderness,andhebrushedthehairawayfromherfaceandtrailedhisfingertipsoverasmoothshoulderilluminatedbymoonlight.
HisStella.
Fornow.
Untilshedecidedshe’dhadenoughpractice.Orshefoundoutabouthisdad.
???
WhenStellagothomefromworkmidwaythroughthenextweek,anemptyhousegreetedher.Michaelhadtextedherthathewasrunninglate,soshe’dbeenexpectingthis.Whatshehadn’texpectedwasthisgapingsadness,thiscoldaloneness.
They’donlybeeninthispracticerelationshipforaweekandahalf,butshe’dalreadygrownaccustomedtohim.Michaelwaspartofherroutinenow,partofherlife,andhisabsencesparkedunrestinherbeing.Whenthingsended,she’dhavenothingbutthisemptiness.
Ifthingsended.
Ifshefailedatseducinghim.Therewasnothingleftonheroriginallessonplans.Notasinglething.She’dchecked.Itwastimetomoveintofullseductionmode.
ShewishedMichaelcouldteachherhowtodothat,too,becauseshehadnoideawhatshewassupposedtodo.Googlesearchesprovidedconflictingadvice,andverylittleofitwasusefulinasituationlikeherswheretheywerealreadyinamonogamousrelationshipofsorts.Oneparticularlyobnoxiousarticlehadadvisedwomentofocusalltheirtimeandeffortonimprovingtheirlooksandthenlowertheirstandards.
Well,Stella’sstandardswerelockedatelevenontheone-to-tenscale.OnlyMichaelwoulddo.Asforherlooks,shecouldn’tbringherselftowearcontactsormakeupexceptforspecialoccasions.Ifhisinsatiabilityinbedwasanyindication,Michaeldidn’tmindherthewayshewas.
Herinnermusclesclenchedassherecalledwhathe’ddonethatmorning—thewayhe’dkissedher,caressedher,thethingshe’dsaid.Shesweptahandfromherchestdowntoherthigh,wishinghewastouchingherrightnow.Butevenifheneversleptwithheragain,shestillwantedhim.ThenonbedroomsideofMichaelappealedtoherjustasmuchastheloverside,ifnotmore.Hemadeherlaugh,andhelistenedtoher,evenwhenshewasn’tsayinganythingparticularlyinteresting.Hewascomfortablearoundher,andthatmadehercomfortablearoundhim.Sometimessheconvincedherselfthatherlabelsdidn’tmatter.Theywerejustwords.Theydidn’tchangewhoshewas.Ifhelearnedaboutthem,hewouldn’tcare.
Maybe.
Outofhabit,shewalkedtoherpiano.Shesatonthebenchandliftedthefallboard,andthecoolsmoothnessofthekeysbeneathherfingerscalmedher.Foryears,musichadbeenhermainmethodofcopingwithemotions—goodones,badones,andthoseinbetween.Richchordssangfromthestrings,calledforthbymusclememoryalone,andshegaveherselfuptothemusic,leteverythingshewasfeelingpourintoherfingertips.Whenthesongended,shekeptherhandsonthekeys,listeningasthenotesfaded.
“Iknewyouplayed,butIdidn’tknowyoucouldplaylikethat,”Michaelsaidfromdirectlybehindher.
Shecouldn’thelpgrinningasshelookedathimoverhershoulder.“Youmadeitback.”
Hissmilewastired,butitreachedhiseyes.Inamerefractionofasecond,everythingwasrightagain.Thecoldnessvanished.Missingpiecessettledbackintoplace.
“Whatsongwasthat?IfeellikeI’vehearditbefore,”hesaid.
“‘ClairdeLune’byDebussy.It’smyfavoritesong.”
Herestedhishandsonhershouldersandbrushedakissoverhernape.“It’sbeautiful,butsosad.Doyouknowanythinghappier?”
Sad.Herlipswrinkledonsomethingthatdidn’tfeellikeasmile.Thatwasacommonthemeforthepiecesinherrepertoire.“Well…maybethis.”
Shebitherlipandpickedthefamiliarmelodyfromthepiano,wonderingifthiswaswhathemeantbyhappy
Hesurprisedherbysittingdownonthebenchnexttoherandsaying,“Ithought‘HeartandSoul’wasaduet.”
Sheshrugged.“I’veonlyeverplayeditsolo.”
Hecapturedherrighthandandputitinhislap.Asmilecurvedoverhislipsashenoddedhisheadtowardthekeyboard.
“Youplay?”sheasked.
“Onlyalittle,butIknowthisone.”
Breathlessnessovertookher.Herfingersstumbledonthefirstnotes,butshegotintotheswingofitprettyquickly.Thebasshalfofthesongwasasimplerepetition,apattern,andsecondnatureforher.WhenMichaelwovethemelodyseamlesslywithheraccompaniment,startlingwarmthcascadedupherspine,andherbodyflushedwithpleasure.She’dneverplayedaduetwithsomeoneotherthanherpianoinstructor,andthoseoccasionshadbeentechnicalexercises,nothingspecial.
“You’regoodatthis,”shecommented,glancingupathimasshecontinuedtoplay.
Hissmilewidened,buthekepthisattentiononhisfingers.“Withsixofuswantingthepianoatonce,wehadtolearntoshare.Also,noneofuscouldeverfigureouthowtoplayyourhalfwithonlyonehand.You’rereallygood.”
“It’sjustpractice.”Andnecessity.
ThesightoftheirhandssidebysideonthekeysmesmerizedStella.Thecontrastwasstarkandbeautiful:largetosmall,tantopale,masculinetofeminine.Sodifferent,butinperfectrhythm.Theyweremakingmusic.Together.
Thesongended,andsheletherfingersslipawayfromthekeyboardandavertedhereyes.Thatnakedfeelingwasback
Hekissedherneckandsmoothedhisfingersalongherjawbeforegentlyurginghertomeethisgaze.Shethoughthewouldspeak,buthedidn’t.Heonlysmiled.
Shewantedtoaskifhelikedbeingwithher,ifhelikedthis,butshestruggledtomusterthecourage.Whatifhesaidno?
“Areyouhungry?Let’seat,”hesaid,andthemomentdisappeared.
She’daskhimlater.Aftershe’dhadtheopportunitytoappropriatelyseducehim.{CHAP+ER}
21
Aweeklater,StellastillhadnoideawhatshewasdoingintermsofseducingMichael.Heseemedhappy—sheknewshewas—buttheendoftheirfirstmonthwascomingup,andshehadnoconfidencethathe’dwanttosignonformore.
Thatnight,hismomwashavingheroverfordinneragain.StellarackedherbrainforcleverwaysshemightaskhisfamilyforadviceregardingMichael.Ifanyoneknewhim,itwouldbethem.ButhowcouldsheaskwithoutthemsuspectingsomethingwasstrangeaboutherrelationshipwithMichael?TheythoughtsheandMichaelweredatingforreal.
Ashe’dinstructedhertodo,Stellaletherselfintohismom’shouseandsethershoesagainstthewallnexttoMichael’s.Herblackheelslookedtinynexttohisleatherloafers,butshelikedseeingthemsittingnexttoeachother.Itpleasedheronafundamentallevel.
SheplacedaboxofpearsonthefronttablenexttothebronzeBuddha,andgruntsandheavybreathingdrewherattentiontothesittingroomtotheright.Shepaddedoverandstaredatapretzelformationoflimbsonthecarpetbytheuprightpiano.ItseemedtocontainMichaelandanothergirl.Stellawouldhavebeenjealous,butthewholeordeallookedreallyuncomfortable.
“Justgiveupandsayit,”Michaelgrittedout.
“No,Ihadthatarmbar.Youonlygotoutbecauseofyoursteroidabuse.”
“Idonotusesteroids,andyouonlygotthearmbarbecauseIdidn’twanttocrushyourboobs.”
“Goingforyourballsnexttime.”
Lookingcloser,Stellasawtheybothhadtheirarmslockedaroundeachother’sthroats.Likeanacondasinadeathmatch,neitherwaswillingtoletgo.
“Maybecallitadraw?”Stellasuggested.
“Hi,Stella,”avoicechirped.Hissister’sfacewascoveredinacurtainofdarkhair,andStellahadnoideawhichoneitwas.Thereweresomanyofthem.“Yourgirlfriendishere,Michael.Giveup.”
“Dinnerisreadyintenminutes.”TheredhuetoMichael’sfacewasratherconcerningbutcompletelyself-inflicted,asfarasStellacouldtell.“I’llbewithyouinasecond.”
“Onlyifyou’regivingup.Who’syourdaddy?”hissistersaidassheflexedtheimpressivearmwrappedaroundhisneck.
“Notsomelittlebrat.”
Thetworolledonthecarpet,kickingandflailingtheirlegs.
“I’mgoingtosayhitoyourmomandgrandma,then,”Stellasaid.ShewouldhavepreferredMichael’scompanywhenshegreetedthem,butthisthingbetweenMichaelandhissisterlookedlikeitwasgoingtotakeawhile.
Neitherofthemresponded.Theyprobablycouldn’tsparetheoxygenfortalking.
Shemeanderedthroughthehouse,whichwasactuallyquiteenormous—youwouldn’tguessfromtheoutside.Hismomandgrandmawereseatedinthefamilyroom,peelinggrapefruitmeatfromtheirindividualsegmentsastheyspokeinmusicalVietnamese.TwomeninamonkeysuitandapigsuitflewacrossthescreenofthemutedTV.
“Hi…Wai?”Shebowedherheadawkwardly.Shecouldnotwraphertonguearoundthepronunciationofthewordforgrandma,ngo?i
Michael’sgrandmasmiledandwavedhertotheemptyspaceontheagedleathersofa.Asusual,shehadascarfwrappedaroundherheadandtiedunderherchin.Adorablegrandma.Wasshestayingawayfromthelawnshearslately?
Noddingathismom,shesaid,“Hi,M?,”andsatintheindicatedspot,feelingherstomachknotandhermusclestense.Eventhoughshe’dseenhismomahandfuloftimesbynow,shewasstillhorriblynervousaroundthewoman.EverywordhadtobemeasuredbeforeStellacouldletitoutofhermouth,everyactionconsidered.Shedidn’twanttomessupagain.ThiswasMichael’smom—themostimportantwomaninhislifesincehedidn’thavearealgirlfriend.AllthoughtsofaskingforadvicewithMichaelevaporatedinthefaceofheranxiety.
Hismomheldoutabowlofperfect,skinlessyellow-greengrapefruitslices.Stellahadneverseengrapefruitpeeledquitelikethis,andshetookasliceoutofamixtureofcuriosityandfearofinsultingher.Onceshebitintothefruit,sweetnessexplodedonhertongue,untarnishedbytheusualbitternessoftheskin.
Shecoveredhermouthinsurprise.“It’sreallygood.”
“Havemore.”HismomsmiledandsetthebowldowninStella’slap.Todayshewaswearingastripedpinkbutton-downandfloralprintjeans.Herglassesperchedonthetopofherheadatadistractedangle.“Getsaltifyouwant.Elikesitwithsalt.”
“No,thankyou.”Stellaateonemore,twomorebeforeshemadeherselfstop.Itlookedlikealotofworkpeelingthemthisway.Inanefforttokeepherhandsbusy,shepickeduphalfofagrapefruitandtriedtocopyhismom’stechnique,alltooawareofthestiltedsilenceintheroom.
Hismomwatchedherpeelthefruitwithatinynod.“Michaelismakingbúnriêutonight.It’sreallygood.Hashemadeitforyouyet?”
Stellashookherheadasshetrainedhereyesonthegrapefruit.“No,hehasn’t.”DidhismomknowMichaelhadbeenspendingnightsatherplace?Didshedisapprove?
“Mommy,whenisthebúnriêuready?”Janietrouncedintotheroomandpaused,smilingather.“Hi,Stella.”
Stellareturnedhersmile.“Hi.Michaelsaidtenmoreminutes.”
Janiefloppedintoascuffedarmchair,throwingajean-cladlegoverthearm.“StarvingandallIhadforlunchwassomecrackers.I’vebeendoinghomeworksincetenthismorning.”
StellasilentlyheldoutthebowlofpeeledgrapefruitwhileM?gloweredatherdaughter.“You’regettingtoopale.”TurningtoStella,sheasked,“Canyouseehowpalesheis?”
Janiesnatchedthebowlandinhaledpieceafterpiece.Stella’sjawalmostdropped.Didsheknowhowmuchtimeittooktopeelthethings?
“Maybealittlepale?”Stellasaid.
M?spoketoNgo?iinVietnamese,andNgo?icastadisapprovinglookJanie’sway.Stelladidn’tunderstandwhatshesaidwhenshespoke,butitsoundedominous.
“Thanksforthrowingmeunderthebus,Ch?Hai.”AcrookedgrinalmostidenticaltoMichael’sflashedasJaniewinked,andStella’schestturnedtomush
“WhatdoesCh?Haimean?”
M?smiledasshefocusedonpeelingfruit.
Janiepoppedthelastgrapefruitsliceintohermouth.“ItmeansSisterTwo.MichaelismyAnhHai,whichmeansBrotherTwo.I’mdownbythebottomwithnumbersixbecauseIhadthepoorlucktobefifthborn.Wedon’tstartatone,bytheway.Ithinkoneisreservedforparentsorsomething.That’sSouthVietnameseinterfamilynamingconvention.Yougethisnumberbecauseyou’rehis.”
AgoofygrinteasedatStella’slipsasherheartdidclumsyflipsandflops.ShelovedtheideaofgettingMichael’snumber.Itmadethemapair.Liketheshoesbythefrontdoorandtheirhandsonthepiano.
JanielaughedandsaidsomethinginVietnamesetohermomandgrandma.TheybothlookedatStellaandlaughedastheyvoicedtheiragreement.
“Michael’sbeenreallyhappythismonth,”Janiesaid.“Likeembarrassinglyhappy.Thegeneralconsensusisit’sbecauseofyou.”
Shecaughtherbreath.“Hashereally?”
“Yeah.He’sobnoxiouswhenhe’shappy.”
Stellabitherliptohidehersmile.Alloftheemotionboilinginsideherchestmadeherfeellikeitwouldruptureopen,spewingrainbowsandglitter.“He’sneverobnoxious.”
Janiesnorted.“Ibethedoesn’tmakeyousmellhissocks.”
Shechokedonalaugh.
“What’sgoingonhere?”Michaelaskedfromthedoorway.
Hishairstoodupincompletedisarray,andhisfacewasstillflushedfrombeatinguponhissister.Heworeawrinkledwhitebutton-downoveraplainT-shirtandfadedjeans.Hewasgorgeous.
“Tellingheraboutthesocks,dickhead,”Janiesaidwithanevilsmirk.
M?sentherasharpnarrow-eyedlook,andJanieshrankintoherchair.
“Imean,AnhHai,”shemumbled.
“That’sright.Givememyrespect.”Hissmilewassuperiorandloftyand…obnoxious.Stellalovedit.“Comeon,dinner’sready.”
Outinthekitchen,hismomwentaboutdishingricenoodlesintogiantbowlsandladlingsoupoverthetop.JanietookthefirstbowlandbroughtittothetablewhereNgo?isat,cuttingeverythingintolittlepieceswithascissorsbeforesqueezinginlime.
Michaelpulledhertotheside.“Hi.”Heswepthiseyesoverherandranhishandsdownherback,pressingherclose.“Ilikethisdressonyou.Aretheseamsbotheringyou?”
“No,they’refine.Theproblemisinthefront.”
“Whatisit?Wantmetofixit?”Heunbuttonedherblackcardiganandinspectedtheconstructionofthetight-fittingLycradresswithafrown.“Idon’tseeanythingobvious.”
“Canyousewa-a-a…”Sheglancedathisfamilyastheysetbowlsatthetableanddroppedhervoice.“Canyousewabraintoit?”
Awickedsmilespreadoverhismouth,andheopenedhercardiganwidetolookatthehardpointsofhernipples.“Icould,butI’mnotgoingto.”
Hepulledherintothediningroomandleanedheragainstthewall.Whenhepalmedherbreastsandtweakedathernipples,shegaspedasherbodysoftenedinajoltingflash.
“Thisisaveryhigh-fashionlook,youknow.”Hebentdownandbrushedhislipsagainsthertemple,hercheek,andfinallyhermouth—awhisper-lighttouchthatleftStellawanting.“YouknowhowIfeelaboutfashion.”
Shesnuckherfingersunderneathhisshirttotouchthehardridgesofhisbelly.“It’sindecent.”
Hekissedheragain,deepandslowthistime,andpulledawaywithhoodedeyes.“You’dbecoldwithoutthecardigan,anyway.Nobra.”Herubbedhernipplesinexactlytherightwaytomakeherlimbsmelt.“Lookatyougettingweakinthekneesforme.Sohot,Stella.”
Hecapturedherlipsandstrokedhistongueintohermouth.Whenhepulledherhipsflushagainsthisarousal,heatarrowedthroughherbodyandmadehertoescurl.Sheshouldn’twanthimagain.Theirmorninghadbeenparticularlyacrobatictoday,andshe’dbarelymadeittoworkontime.
Thetensiononherscalploosened,andherhairtumbledfree.Heworkedahandunderherdressandgrippedherinnerthigh.
“Ugh,getaroom.”Oneofhissistersstompedby.
Michaelbrokeawaywithlaughingeyesandhighcolor.“You’rejustmadbecauseyoudidn’twin.”
“You’readick,”Maddiesaid.
Afterhissisterdisappearedintothekitchen,MichaelranhisfingersthroughStella’shair.“Areyouokay?Tooembarrassinggettingcaught?”
Sheshookherhead.Shedidn’tcareifshewascaughtaslongasitwaswithhim.
Heplantedhishandsonthewallbehindherandlinedhisbodyupagainstherssotheyfitjustright,hardnesstosoftness,curvestohollows.“SexyStella.”
Theirlipsjoinedforanotherbreathlesskiss.
“OhmyGod,getaroom.”
StellajumpedatthebrusquenessofSophie’svoice,andMichaellaughedashebrokeaway.Withoutlookingatthem,Sophiemarchedintothekitchen.
“Let’seat.”HegrabbedStella’shandandledhertothetwoemptyseatsatthekitchentable.
Wheneveryonecastknowingglancesatthem,sheblushedandstareddownatherbowl.Slicesoftomatoandgreenherbsfloatedatopanorangesoupthickenedwithsomethingthatlookedlikescrambledeggs.
“Youshouldwearyourhairdownmoreoften,Stella,”Sophiesaid.“Mightwanttopullituptoeat,though.It’llgetdirty.”Sheheldajarofbrown-coloredsomethingouttoher.“Wantsome?”
Stellareachedforit.“Whatis—”
Michaelsnatcheditandsetitonthetable.“She’llfaintifshesmellsit,Soph.Hernoseissupersensitive.”
Sophieshrugged.“Stinksbuttastesgood.”
ThelabelwasmostlyChinese,butatthebottomitreadFineShrimpSauce
“Ilikeshrimp,”Stellasaid.
Michaelpushedthejartotheothersideofthetable.“Notthiskindofshrimp.EvenIcan’teatthisstuff.”
“Lethertryit,Michael,”Sophiesaid.
WhenStella’sgazefelluponJanieandMaddie,bothgirlsshooktheirheadsinmatchinghorror.
Withanimpatientsigh,M?grabbedthejarandputitinfrontofStella.“Thisism?mru?c.Thecorrectwaytoeatbúnriêuiswithm?mru?c.”
Stellaclosedherfingersaroundthejar.FeelingalotlikeSnowWhitewithherapple,shebroughtittohernose.Onthefirstwhiff,hereyeswatered.Itwasfishy,shrimpy,andpotent.Uponhersecondandthirdsniffs,however,thesmelllostsomeofitsforce.“Youjustputitinthesoup?”
M?spoonedadollopintoStella’sbowl.“Likethis.Andlimeandchilisauce.”Shesqueezedlimeinandaddedaspoonfulofredspicy-lookingsauce.
Asshepickedupherchopsticksandsoupspoon,Michaelwatchedherwithwide,apologeticeyes.Shemixedeverythingtogether,twirledthenoodlesaroundherchopsticks,andplacedtheminherspoonwithbrothlikeshe’dseenSophiedo.Thensheputitinhermouth.
Ittasted…good.Salty,alittlesweet,alittletangy.Shegrinnedasshehadanotherspoonful.“Ilikeit.”
“It’sgood,right?”Sophieasked.“Highfive,you.”
Stellahigh-fivedMichael’ssister,feelingsillybutalsolikeshe’dmadeupforrefusingtoeattheBPA-lacedfood.Hismomwassmiling,Ngo?iwasmmmming,andJanieandMaddieweremutteringtothemselves.
“Theyrefusetotryit,”M?said,pointingtothetwoyoungest.
“Itsmellslikedeath,”Janiesaid.
Maddienoddedemphatically.“Deadbodies.”
M?blastedthemwithaharshstringofVietnamese,andbothgirlscowered.
Underthetable,Michaelsqueezedherleg.Heleanedtowardhertowhisperinherear.“Doyoureallylikeit?Youdon’thavetoeatit.Icangetyousomethingelse.”
“Ireallydo.”She’dstilleatitevenifshehatedit,though.Hismomlookedproudandvindicated.Anditwasn’tpoisoned.Notthatsheknewof.
Hebrushedhislipsoverhersoncebeforepullingawaywithacoughandalaugh.“Icansmellitonyou.”
Shestuffedanotherspoonfulinhermouth,glaringathimassheswipedthehairawayfromherfacewithaforearm.
“Here,letmegetyourhair.”Heunloopedherrubberbandfromhiswristandgatheredherhairawayfromherfaceinaponytail.
“Thankyou.”
Hesmiledandpinchedherchin.Bythelookinhiseyes,sheknewhewouldhavekissedherifhisfamilyhadn’tbeenwatching—andshedidn’tsmelllikeFineShrimpSauceanddeadbodies.
“Gross,stopundressingherwithyoureyes,”Sophiesaid.
“Seriously,”Maddiechimedin.
“Andsincewhendoyoukeeprubberbandshandyforherhair?Whippedmuch?”Janieadded.
Stellacontemplateddivingintohersoupbowl.
Michaelmerelyshruggedandgrinned.Thenhewrappedanarmaroundhershouldersandkissedhertemple.
Dinnerpassedinablurashissistersalternatedbetweenbickeringandteasing.Hismominterjectednowandthenwithfirmmediationorwitheringglances,butStellahadafeelingthewomanwascontent.Onceeveryonehadfinishedtheirsoupandfilledthemselveswithskinlessgrapefruit,M?orderedJanieandMaddietoclearthetableandwashthedishes.
Michaeltookherhand,preparingtotakeherhome,buthismomwavedthemtowardthefamilyroom.
“Stella,Ihavesomethingtoshowyou.”
Michaelgroaned.“M?,no,nottoday.”
“Whatisit?”Stellawashelplesslycurious.
“Howaboutnexttime?”Michaelasked.
“Hewasreallycute,”M?said.
“Babypictures?”Stellaallbutdancedinplace.“Michael,Iwanttoseethem.”
Hegrudginglyfollowedasshetowedhimafterhismomintothefamilyroom.M?handedStellaafatpicturealbum,andmotherandsonsatoneithersideofheronthecouch.
Shesmoothedherfingersoverthevelvetcoverofthealbum.Theonehermomkeptforherwasalmostidenticaltothisone.Itwasthekindwithstickypagesandthethinplasticcoversheetthatpeeledoff.Thefirstpagewasagrainyultrasoundprintoutandapictureofawrinkle-facedinfantwholookedlikehewasathousandyearsold.Asthepagesprogressed,however,hecutedupquickly.
TherewerepicturesofNgo?iholdinghim,ofhimlearningtowalkandtryingtopickupawatermelon.Inonepicture,chubbytoddlerMichaelworealittlesuit—wasithisfirstsuit?—inbetweenayoungcouple.Thewomanwasaveryyoung,verybeautifulversionofhismomwearingawhitetraditionalVietnamesedresswithpinkflowersembroideredonthefront.Themanhadtobehisfather.HewastallandblondandhadMichael’scrookedgrin.
“Youwerebeautiful,M?,”Stellasaid,runningherfingertipsdowntheflowingdress.“Ilovethedress.”
“Istillhavethataódài.Youcantakeithomewithyoutonightifyouwant.”
“Icanreallyhaveit?”
“Itdoesn’tfitmeanymore,andMichael’ssistersaren’tinterested.Theyonlyfoughtoverthejewelry,butthat’sallgone.”M?’svoicewassubdued,andhereyeslingeredovertheblondman’sface.“ThisisMichael’sdad.Veryhandsome,ah?”
Michaelturnedthepagewithoutaword.
Hischubbinesswasgraduallyreplacedwithganglylimbsandmalebeauty.Hesmiledoftenandwasfulloflifeandfun.Thereweredozensofpicturesofhimandhisbabysisterssurroundedbypasselsoffull-bloodedVietnamesecousins.Helookedoutofplacenexttothemwithhispalerskinandnon-Asianfeatures,justashemusthavelookedoutofplacenexttoallofhispeersatschoolfortheexactoppositereasons.Whathaditbeenlikenotfittinginanywhere?
Maybeithadn’tbeenthatdifferentfromherownexperiencegrowingup.
TherewerepicturesofearlyteensMichaelplayingchesswithhisdad,hisfacecreasedinintenseconcentration,picturesofhimfrowningoverscienceprojects,picturesofhimdressedinfullkendo-sparringgearlikealittlebadass,wherethefrontflapsofhisuniformdisplayedhislastnameincaps:LARSEN
Whenheflippedthepagequicklyandshotheranalarmedlook,shekeptherfaceblank,pretendingshehadn’tseenit.Shewasn’tgoodatlying,butsheknewhowtopretendshewasokay.She’dbeendoingitaroundpeoplesinceshewaslittle.
Shehateddoingitwithhim.
Wasitthatimportanttohimthatshedidn’tknowhisrealname?Whatdidhethinkshe’ddowiththeinformation?Theknowledgethathedidn’ttrustherdimmedthewarmglowtheeveninghadgivenher.Wasshefoolishforhopingshecouldmakehimhers?
Whenshesurfacedenoughfromherthoughtstonoticethephotosagain,they’dalmostreachedthebackofthealbum.Thepicturesshowedoffanearlyfull-grownMichaelwhowassogorgeousshecouldn’thelpsighing.Hestoodnexttohisbeamingfather,chesstournamenttrophyinhand,kendotournamenttrophyinhand,sciencefairtrophyinhand.
“That’salotoftrophies,”shecommented.
“DadlikeditwhenIwon,soItriedreallyhard.”
“Michaelwasvaledictorianathishighschool,”hismomsaid,lookingatMichaelwithboundlesslove.
Stellasmiled.“Iknewyouweresmart.”
“Itwasjusthardwork.Ifiguredouthowtotestwell.You’rewaysmarterthanme,Stella.”
Shesearchedhisclosed-offface,wonderingwhyhediscountedhimselflikethat.“Iwasn’tvaledictorian.Ionlydidwellinmathandscience.”
“Mydadwouldhavepreferredthat.”
Michaelflippedtothelastpage.
There,hegraduatedfromtheSanFranciscoFashionInstitute.Hisshouldersweresquared,hisexpressiondetermined.Hisparentswereinthepicture,hismothervisiblyburstingwithproudhappinesswhilehisfatherlookedlikehe’dbeenforcedintothephotograph.Hishairhadgonemostlywhiteovertheyears,andwhilehewasstillanattractiveolderman,helookedwornandcynical.Thecrookedgrinwasgone.
“Hedidn’twantyoutogotodesignschool.”
Michaelshrugged.“Itwasn’thisdecision.”Hisvoicewasflat,hisusuallyvivideyesdull.
Stellacoveredhishandwithhersandsqueezed.Heturnedhishandover,interlacedtheirfingers,andsqueezedback.
“Michaelisverytalented.Whenhegraduated,hehadfivejoboffers.HeworkedforabigdesignerinNewYorkbeforeweneededhimathomebecausehisdadleft.”M?gazedoffintospace,thesetofhermouthbitter,beforesheblinkedandfocusedonMichael.“ButI’mgladIcalledyouhome.Youwereruiningyourself.Toomanywomen,Michael.Youdon’tneedahundredwomen.Justonegoodone.”
HismompattedStella’sleg,andStellafeltaterrible,deepwantingwellupinside.Rightnow,shewasconsideredagoodwoman.WhatwouldhismomthinkifsheknewaboutthelabelsStellahadbeenpurposefullywithholding?Wouldshesuddenlybecomeunsuitableforherson?Whatkindofmotherwantedanautisticdaughter-in-lawandpossiblyautisticgrandbabies?
Andsincewhenhadshestartedthinkingaboutmarriageandbabies?SheandMichaelweren’tinarealrelationship.Wouldhedateherifhedidn’tneedthemoney?Ifhewerefreetobewithwhomeverhewished,wouldhepickher?
“Okay,”hismomsaidbriskly.“That’sallofthepictures.Michael,comehelpM?withmyiPadwhileIfindtheaódài.”
Michaelgavearesignedsighandstood.
“CanIlookatthesepictureslonger?”Stellaasked.
M?smiledandnodded,butStellahadonlylookedatthepicturesforaminuteortwowhenJaniewanderedintotheroom.Sheheldameatytextbookinherhands.
“Soisittrueyou’reaneconomist?”Janieasked.Sheshiftedherbarefeetonthecarpetuntilherkneespointedtogether.
“It’strue.You’reinyourthirdyearatStanford,right?That’sareallygoodprogram.”StellarememberednowthatMichael’smomhadwantedhertospeaktoJanieaboutherwork.“What’sthetextbookfor?Doyouneedhelpwithyourhomework?”
Janiehuggedthebooktoherchestandsatdowninthearmchairshe’doccupiedearlier.“Iwasmorehoping…”Shetookabreath.“Iwashopingyoucouldhelpmegetaninternship?Maybesendmyrésumétocolleagueswhoarehiring?I’mhavingahardtimegettinginterviews.Ihavenoexperience,obviously,andIdidreallybadmyfirstyear.MyGPAhasn’trecovered.ButIknowmystuff.ThisiswhatIwanttodo.”
“Doyouhaveacopyofyourrésuméhandy?”AssoonasthewordsleftStella’smouth,shewantedtorecallthem.Shesoundedlikeshewasininterviewmode,andJanielookednervous.
Janiepulledasheetofpaperfromhertextbook—aninternationalmacroeconomicstome—andhandedittoher.
Therésumédescribedherpassionforeconomictheoryinconciselanguage,listedrelevantcourseworkandskills,anddisplayedhergradepointaverage.Inhermajor,itwas3.5.Cumulative,itwas2.9.Definitelynotthenumberssheneededtogetintobrand-nameinstitutions,evenasaStanfordstudent.
Asgentlyasshewascapable,Stellaasked,“CanIaskwhathappenedinyourfirstyear?”
Janiestareddownathertextbook.“It’swhenMomwasreallysick.Itwasahardtimeforeverybody.WehadtotaketurnstakingcareofMomandrunningtheshop,andwewerealreadyoverwhelmedwiththerepercussionsoftheseparationandallthat.Ididn’tbalancemytimewell.Honestly,Ididn’tcareaboutschoolatthatpoint,whichisstupidbecauseit’ssoexpensiveandwewerehurtingformoney.”
Wait,whyhadtheybeenhurtingformoney?DidithavesomethingtodowithMichael’sdad?Fromtheoutside,theylookedwelloff.Theshopseemedtodowell.Theyownedthishouse.Shewantedtoasksobadly,herfingersclawedattheedgesofthephotoalbum,butthatwasrude.Shemightfeellikesheknewthesepeople,butithadn’tbeenthatlongsinceshe’dfirstmetthem.
Andthelasttimeshe’dpried,she’dputMichael’smomintears.Sheneverwantedtomakesomeonecryagain.
Lamely,shesaid,“Isee.”
“DoyouthinkIhaveachanceofgettinganinternshipwiththosegrades?IsthereanythingIcandotomakemyrésumémoreattractive?”
WithJanie’sgrades,herrésuméwaseasytooverlook.However…ThebeginningofanideatookrootinStella’smind,andshetiltedherhead,lookingatJanieinanewlight.“Areyouinterestedineconometrics?”{CHAP+ER}
22
Stellahadfilledouthalfofthenecessaryformstoopenupaninternshippositioninherdepartment—ofwhichshewasthesoleemployee—whenherphonebuzzed.ShedugitoutofherdeskandsmiledatthemessagefromMichael.
WhatismyStelladoing?
Shetextedhimback.Paperwork.
Canyoutakealonglunch?
Shehuggedherphoneandspunherdeskchairinacirclebeforereplying.Yes.
Nevermindtheuntouchedlunchsittingnexttoherkeyboardthatshe’dhaddelivered.Shecouldputitinthefridgefortomorrow.
Hisresponsehadhersmilewidening.
Headovertomymom’sshopwhenyoucan.
Shegatheredtheinternshippapersintoaneatpileandpreparedtoleave.ItwaslunchtimeonFriday,andeveryonehadleftforthevariousrestaurantsdowntown.Shewalkedthroughthehallwaysandenteredtheelevator,expectingtomakeacleangetaway.
Philipsteppedbetweenthedoorsastheystartedtoclose.
“Areyouactuallyheadingoutforlunchtoday?CareifIjoinyou?”heasked
“I’mmeetingsomeone.”
“Thesameguy?”
Shenodded.
“Luckyguy.”
Shestaredatthefloorlevelindicator,wishingitwouldgofromthreetoonemuch,muchquicker.
“Iheardyou’replanningontakinganintern.”
“That’sright.”
“Mycousinisagoodfit.”
HereyesjumpedfromthenumberstoPhilip’sface.“Ialreadyhavesomeoneinmind.”
Heputhishandsinhispocketsandshrugged.“Allright.”
“Wait…”Shesighed.“Sendmeyourcousin’srésumé.”AsmuchasshewantedtohireJanie,shehadtobefairaboutthis.Therewassuchathingasprofessionalintegrity.Thespotneededtogotothemostqualifiedcandidate.
Michaelwouldunderstand.Hedidn’tlethissisterwinwhenwrestlingjustbecauseshewasyoungerandsmallerandweaker.Stellahadtogothroughthepropervettingprocess.Shehadafeeling,however,Janiewashergirl.Whenyoulovedsomething—likesheandJaniedid—youweregoodatit.Ifyouweren’tgoodrightaway,yougotgoodatit.
Philipreleasedanamusedhuffofbreath.“Allright,then.”
Theelevatordinged,andshestrodethroughthelobby.Frustratingly,Philipfollowedhertohercar.
“Areyougoingtothatcharitybenefittomorrow?”heasked.
“Howdoyouknowaboutit?”
“Mymomandyoursareontheplanningcommittee.Iknow,smallworld,right?Anyway,Iwaswonderingifyouhaveadate.MymomisgoingtofindmeoneifIdon’tgetoneonmyown.”Hesmiledandhunchedhisshouldersinawaythatmadehimseemfarmoreapproachablethannormal.
Theirsituationsweresosimilar,Stellacouldn’thelpsympathizing.“Minethreatenedthesamething.”
“Look,Stella,Iknowyou’reseeingsomeone,but…Before,yousaidyouhopeditwasserious,kindoflikeyouweren’tsure.Isheyourboyfriendornot?”
Shelookeddownattheblacktopintheparkinglot.“It’scomplicated.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Ineedtogo.Idon’twanttobelate.”Shegrippedthedoorhandletohercar.
Heloweredahandtowardhersbutstoppedbeforemakingcontact.Didhesensesheneededherspace?Maybehereallydidunderstandher.
“Doesitmeanyou’rejusthavingsex?Becauseyou’rebetterthanthat.Ihopeyouknowthat.AllthatstuffItoldyoubeforeaboutneedingpractice—itwascrap.Youintimidatethehelloutofme,andIwastryingtomakemyselfseemmoreworldly.It’sstupid.Allthatmattersisconnectingwiththerightperson.Ithinkyoucanbethatpersonforme,Stella.I’velikedyouforalongtime.”
“Whyareyoutellingmethisnow?We’veworkedtogetherforyears.”Shecouldhardlybelieveherears.He’dlikedherallthistime?Her?
“BecauseIhaveissues,andmytonguetiesupwhenI’mwithyouandallthatcomesoutisassholegarbage.IwaswaitingforyoutoaskmeoutbecauseI’minsecure,butI’maskingyounow.Theideathatyou’reseeingsomeguywhodoesn’tappreciateyoumakesmecrazy.You’reatenforme,Stella.”
Hethoughtshewasaten?Someonethoughtshewasaten.Herchestcavedin,andhereyesstung.“I’mnotaten.Ihave…issues,too.”
“Iknow.Yourmomtoldmymom.Shetoldme.IhaveawholeslewofproblemsthatchangenameseverytimeIswitchtherapists.We’reperfectforeachother.You’restillatenforme.”
Buthewasn’therperfectten.Hemighthavebeen,though,ifthingshadbeendifferent.Therewasatimewhenshewouldhavebeeninterestedinexploringwhethertherewasaniceguyinsidehimsomewhere.Shecouldn’tfaulthimforsoundingcondescendingwhensheoftencameacrossthesameway.Besides,shewantedhimtobegoodunderneathitall.Theideagaveherhopeforherself.
“I’msorry,Philip.Ialreadyaskedhimtogotothebenefitwithme.Ican’tuninvitehim.Morethanthat,Idon’twantto.I’mobsessedwithhim.”
AstubbornlookcrossedPhilip’sface.“Obsessionspass.”
“Notforme,theydon’t.”
“Iassureyouhe’sjustaphase.You’renotinlove,”hesaidwithcertainty.
Herlipsparted.Love?Wasthatwhatthisfeelingwas?
WassheinlovewithMichael?
“Howcanyoubesosureit’snotlove?”sheasked.
“IknowbecauseI’mtheoneyou’regoingtofallinlovewith.Me,”heinsisted.
“Philip,don’tdothis,whateverthisis.”
“Youneedtogiveusatry.”
Withthat,hesteppedforwardandbenttowardher.
Shetriedtobackaway,buthercarwasrightbehindher,preventingescape.Sheturnedherfacetotheside.Hedidn’twearoverpoweringcologne,buthissmellwaswrong.Shepushedherhandsagainsthischest.Thefeelofhimwaswrong.Hewasn’tMichael.
Hetouchedhislipstohers.Dryskinondryskin.Awettongueslimedintohermouth,andherheartskittered.Herbodywentintolockdown.Itwaslikeherfirstthreeencountersalloveragain.
Wrongwrongwrong.
Shetwistedawayanddraggedhersleeveoverhermouth.Dirty,blackfeelingsgratedoverherskin,insideandout.
Philipgrimacedandsethisjaw,fistedhishands.“Youjusthavetogetusedtome,Stella.Youacclimatedtothatbastard.”
Sheshovedathischest,pushinghimaway.“Don’teverdothatagain.”
Heartpoundingandhandsshaking,shegotinhercar.Bythetimeshereachedtheshop,she’dmostlycalmeddown,butthatuncleanfeelingpersisted.Shewantedtobrushherteeth.
Inside,shelocatedMichaelkneelinginthefittingareaatanoldergentleman’sfeet,pinningthehemofhispants.MichaelworejeansandablackT-shirt.Measuringtape,pincushion,andchalkpencilwereinplace.Shelovedhiminworkclothes.HemusthavedressedsimilarlywhenhedesignedinNewYorkCity,sketchingpatternsoverlightedarchitecttablesanddrapingclothoverungratefulmannequins.
Asifsensingher,heglancedup,caughtsightofher,andsmiled.
Shestartedtoreturnhissmile,butthebadtasteinhermouthremindedherofwhathadhappenedintheparkinglot.WhatifMichaelkissedhernow?She’dgetPhilipalloverhim.Disgusting.“Bathroom.Ineedthebathroom.”
Hestoodupwithatroubledfrown.“Backthere.”
Sheranintotheback,spottedthedoortothebathroom,andrushedtothesink.Afterturningonthewater,shesoapedherhandsandscrubbedatherlipsandhertongue.Shesplashedwaterintohermouth,swished,spit,repeatedoverandover.
???
MichaelopenedthebathroomdoorandwatchedasStellarinsedouthermouthlikeshe’deatensomethingnasty.Wasshesick?Hisinsidestwistedashismindautomaticallyjumpedtotheworst-casescenarioshewasfartoofamiliarwith
Thedoorswungshutbehindhimasheclosedthedistancebetweenthemandswepthishandsdownhertenseback.“Hey,what’swrong?”
Please,beokay.
Forseverallongmoments,theroomwassilentbutfortherushofthewaterinthesink.Adeepfrowncreasedherbrowasshewatchedthewaterswirlaroundthedrain.Meetinghiseyesinthemirror,shecrankedthewateroffandsaid,“Acoworkerkissedme.”
EverythinginsideMichaelstilled,andacoldragespreadoutward.Withthetraininghedid,hewasn’tthekindofpersonwhocouldpickfights.Buthecouldsureasfuckendthem.Hewouldenjoyendingthisone.Hisknucklescrackedashefistedhishands.
“What’shisname?Whatdoeshelooklike?WherecanIfindhim?”Thequestionscameoutinahardmonotone.Themotherfuckerwasgoingtoenjoyhimselfatriptothehospital.
Shewhippedaroundtofacehim,hereyeswide.“Why?”
“Nooneforcesyou,Stella.”
“Areyouplanningtodosomethingtohim?Idon’twantyoutogetintrouble.”
“Youjustwashedyourmouthoutforawholeminute.NowI’mgoingtowashhisout.”Withblood.
Shewrungherhandsasshesearchedforwords.“I’mokay.Asyoucansee.”
“Ifyouweren’tokay,he’dbeadeadman,”hegrowled.
“Canyoudropthis?Please?”
Heshookhisheadindisbelief.Someonehadtouchedher,kissedher,stuckhisfuckingtongueinhermouth.“Howcanyoubesocalmaboutthis?Didyouwanthimtokissyou?”
“No,but…”Shelookedawayfromhim.“MaybetherewasatimewhenIdid.”
Ahorriblethoughtenteredhishead.“Ishethereasonyouhiredme?Youwantedtopracticeforthisguy?”
Hercheeksflushedwithcolor.“M-maybe?Heseemedlikeagoodcandidateatthetime.ButIdon’twanthimanymore,whichisironicbecause—”Shestoppedtalkingwithagrimace.
“Becausewhat?”
“Hetoldmetodayhe’slikedmeforalongtime,that—surprise—I’matenforhim.”Shesenthimasearchinggazeasshesaid,“Hetoldmehedoesn’tcareabouthowdifferentIam.”
Hecouldn’tstophimselffromdraggingheragainsthischestthen.Hehadn’tsaidthosethings,butthatdidn’tmeanhedidn’tfeelthem.“That’sbecauseyouareaten.Allthethingsthatmakeyoudifferentmakeyouperfect.”
“I’mnotperfect,Michael.I’mreallynot,”shesaidinapainedvoice.
“Didyoukisshimback?”Atthispoint,thatwastheonlythingthatcouldmakeherimperfectforhim.Maybenoteventhat.
Sheshookherhead.“No.”
“Didyoulikeit?Whenhekissedyou?”Becausehehadtoknow.
“Notatall,”shewhispered.
“Why?Didhedoitwrong?Washeabadkisser?”
“Itfeltwrong.”
“Why?”
“Becausehewasn’tyou.”Thesoftlookinhereyeskilledhim.Hewoulddoanythingforthatlook.Anything.
Heangledherheadbackwithahandagainstherjaw,tryingtobegentledespitetheviolenceraginginhisveins.“Goingtokissyou.”Hehadto.Ifhedidn’t,hewouldgocrazy.
“Don’t.He’sinmymouth.Icanstilltastehim.Ican’tgethimout.”
Hereleasedafiercegrowl.“Ineedthis,Stella.”
Athersmallnod,hecrushedtheirmouthstogetherandkissedherdeeply.Heneededtoeraseeverylasttraceofthatpieceofshit,neededtomarkherashis.Shewentweakandsankintohim,andheclosedhisarmsaroundher,strokingherroughly.
“Canyoustilltastehim?”heraspedagainstherlips.
“No,”shesaidonagasp.
Heworkedherskirtopenandslippedhishandintoherpanties,almostgroaningfromtheliquidheatthatmethisfingers.Whowasthatfor?Himorhercoworker?
“Michael.”
Hisnameonherlipssoothedaplacedeepinsidehim,andtheurgentneedtohearitagainandagainclaimedhim.Hepushedherskirtuntilitpooledaroundheranklesandrippedtheflyofhisjeansopen,freeinghiscock.Then,hedugafoilfromhispocket,toreitopen,androlledthecondomon.
Whenshebegantolowerherpanties,heshookhishead.Heloopedoneofherlegsaroundhishipasheliftedandpressedheragainstthetilewall.
Shemadeanimpatientsound.“Don’tteaseme,Michael.Ineedyou.”
Hepulledthecrotchofherpantiestothesideandthrusthardandfast,buryinghimselfinsideher.Herbreathbroke,andshemoanedhisname.Sofuckinghot.Hestrokedhistongueovereveryinchofhermouth,claimingitasheangledhishipstohitherclit.
Thetightgripofherbody,hersweetmouth,herlegsaroundhim,herbreathsonhisneck—perfection.HereveledineverypartofStella.Hisheartthundered,andhisbloodrushed.Hisneedgrewdesperate,butheheldback,determinedtowaitforher.Whensheshatteredandconvulsedaroundhimuncontrollably,hepumpedintoherharder.
Hegraspedatherhips,herthighs,pressedtheirforeheadstogethersohecouldseeintoherbeautiful,dazedeyesanddroveintoheronelasttime,lettingeverythingthathewaspourintoher,losinghimself.Asthebreathssawedinandoutofhischest,heheldhertight.Heneverwantedtolethergo.
Whenhefinallyfoundthestrengthtopullaway,hesettledheronherfeetandwenttotossthecondominthetoilet.Hewipedhimselfoff,awareoftheappreciativewayshewatchedhimandlovingit.Shedidn’tlookatanyoneelselikethis.Justhim.
Afterlivingwithherforthebetterpartofamonth,hecouldsaythatwithcertainty.Therewerepartsofher—manyparts,thebestparts—sheonlysharedwithMichael,andithadhelpedhimforgettheirrelationshipwasn’treal.
Butheneededtoremember.Shehadn’twantedhercoworker’skiss,butifshehad,therewasnoreasonwhysheshouldn’thavedoneit.Theyweren’tmonogamous.Hewasn’therboyfriendorherfiancéorherhusband.Shewashisclient,andhewasher…vendor.Thatsoundedawfulasfuck,butitwastrue.Hehadnorighttodefendherandnorighttobepossessive.Shewaspayinghimtohelpher—atleastshethoughtshewas—andheneededtostaydetachedandprofessional.
Toobadhe’dgoneandfallenforher,instead.Whentheyeventuallyseparated,itwouldbreakhim.Butshe’dbebetteroff.She’dknowhowtobeherselfwithanotherpersonandwhattoexpectoutofarelationship,whatitfeltliketobeloved.Hehopedsheneversettledforless.
Drawingonyearsofescortingexperience,heslippedonasmileandsaid,“I’llhavetobuyyouanewpairofthose.”
Whenaconfusedexpressioncrossedherface,henoddedtowardthetornsideseamofherpantiesthatshe’dbeenabsentlyfingeringallthistime.
Shesmiledandflattenedherpalmoverherhip.“That’sokay.Icandoit.”
“Idon’tmind.Thoughformostcouples,womenbuyalltheunderwear.”
Shetiltedherheadtotheside.“Why?”
Heshrugged.“Ithinkit’sbecausetheydoalotofshoppingandliketotakecareofthepeopletheylove.”
Ashesaidthewords,Stelladrewinasurprisedbreath.Adiscoveringlooklitherfacebeforeshestaredoffintospace,focusingonthingsinsideherhead.
“Wheredidyougo?”Hewavedahandinfrontofheruntilsherefocusedonhim.ItwassuchaStellathingtodo,hegrinneddespitetheemptinessinhischest.Helovedhowbrilliantshewas.Everythingaboutherdiditforhim.Everysinglething.“You’rethinkingaboutwork,aren’tyou?HereIamtalkingaboutreplacingtheunderwearItorehavinghotbathroomsexwithyou,andyou’rezoningouttothinkabouteconometrics.”
Shestraightenedherglasseswithawrinkleofhernose.“I-I’msorry.Ican’thelpitallthetime.Itrytobepresent,but—”
“I’mteasingyou.Iloveyourgeniusbrain,”headmitted.Becausehecouldn’thelpit,evenwhenhewassad,hekissedhersoftlipsonce,twice,andonelasttimeagain.“Comeon,Ngo?iwillprobablyhavetousethebathroomsoon,andIwanttoshowyousomething.”
???
StellacoveredagaspwhenMichaelpulledahangerfromahookonthewall,revealingalittlewhitedressofcreamyfabric.“Isthatforme?”
“Ihadtoguessatyourdimensions,sothefitmightbeallovertheplace.Tryitonforme?”
Shestaredatthegarmentinwonder.HerownMichaelLarsendress.
Afterclosingherselfinthemirrorlessdressingroom,sheundressedinahurry.Ofcoursethedresswasstraplesssoshecouldn’twearabra,buttheinsidewaslinedinsoftsilk.Therewasn’tasingleexposedseamtobotherherskin.Shewasdyingtoseewhatitlookedlikeon.
Holdingthebodicetoherchest,shewalkedoutandturnedaround.“Canyouzipthebackforme,please?”
Hislipsbrushedagainsthernapeasthezipperclosedwithanintimatezzzzzip,sendingashiverdownherspine.Itfeltlikeitfitherperfectly.Ithuggedherbodybetterthanheryogaclothes,andshelovedheryogaclothes.Whensheturnedaround,Michaelassessedherwithacriticaleye,hissexyarmscrossedoverhischest.
“CanIlook?”shewhispered.
Asmallsmileformedonhislips,andhenoddedtowardtheraisedareainfrontofthemirrorswherehedidfittings.
Shesteppedontothedaisandfeltherheartstutter,reboot,andresume.Thedresswasasmoothivorysheaththatfollowedthelinesofherbodyfromherkneestoherchest.Thefabricofthebodiceflutedjustoffcenterinsuchawaythatitgavetheimpressionshewasacurvaceouscallalily.Hernippleswerenotvisible.
Itwasperfect.Simple.Modestbutdaring.Her.
Sheranherhandsoverherhips,turnedaround,andgaspedatwhattheexpertconstructionofthedressdidtoherbehind.Herbutthadneverlookedsopertandvoluptuous.Shesettledahandovertheripecurveofonecheek,andMichaelclearedhisthroat.
Hesteppedontothedaisandtrailedhisfingersdownhersides.“I’mhappywiththefit.Myhandsknewthesizeofyou.”
“Iloveit.Thankyou,Michael.”
“Mygifttoyou.ForallthebirthdayswhenIdidn’tknowyou.Whenisyourbirthday?”
Warmtheffervescedinsideherlikechampagne.Agift.FromMichael.Thathe’dmadewithhisownhands.Eachseam,eachthread,eachpieceoffabrichadbeenchosenjustforher.“Thesummersolstice,Junetwenty-first.You?”
“Junetwentieth.ButI’mtwoyearsyoungerthanyou.”
“DoyoumindthatI’molder?”Sheknewmenoftenlikedyoungerwomen.
Hegrinned.“Notatall.IcrushedonolderwomenwhenIwasgrowingup.IcanstillseeMs.Rockawaybendingoverinhertweedskirttopickupthechalkboarderaser.”
“Whowasshe?”UnpleasantemotionspearedthroughStella.
“Chemistryteachersophomoreyear.Ihopeyou’rejealous,soyouknowhowIfeelaboutDexterkissingyou,”hesaid,hisfacethoughtfulasheranhisfingertipsdownherarm.
“Dexter?”
“MaybeStewart.That’sagoodnameforthekindofguyI’mpicturing.”
“Don’tpicturehim.”
“Mortimer.”
Shelaughed.“No.”
“Niles.”
“Michael.”
“Don’ttellmehisnameisMichael.”
“It’snot.You’remyonlyMichael.Doyoureallywanttoknowhisname?”
Hewasquietforamomentbeforehereleasedaheavybreathandsaid,“It’sbetterifIdon’t.Sinceyoudon’twantmetobeattheshitoutofhim.”Whenshestiffenedathislanguage,ahardsmiletouchedhislips.
Shecaughtherbreath,unsurewhattosay.Itwasn’tPhilipshecaredabout.ItwasMichael.IfhewentafterPhilip,therecouldbeawfulconsequences.Lawsuits,jail,HRclaims.EventhoughshewouldhavelikedtoseeMichaelinaction,onenastykisswasn’tworthallthat.
“I’mgladyoulikethedress,”Michaelsaidwithasofteningexpression.“I’mlookingforwardtoseeingyouwearittomorrow.”
???
Afteralunchofcatfishsoupwithpineappleandceleryoverrice,Stellarushedbacktotheoffice.Shewantedtolookatthedataagain.
Philipliftedahandatherwhenshepassedby,butshedidn’thavetimetodealwithhim.Shestrodepasthisoffice,tossedherpurseinherdeskdrawer,andsatdown,clickingthroughscreensonhermonitorsuntilshecametothefunctionshe’dformulatedtomodelmen’spurchasingbehaviorwithregardtohigh-endboxershorts.Itwasanelegantequationwithfivekeyvariablesthatincludedthingslikeageandincomebracketandseveralminorvariables.
She’dboiledtheterminationofmalepurchasingofboxersdowntoasinglebinaryvariable,β,andhadfoundmarkersthatledtoitsactivation,thingslikeincreasedspendingonfinediningandluxurygifts.ItseemedcounterintuitivetoStellathatinatimeofdecreasedpricesensitivity,mensuddenlyquitbuyingtheirunderwear.Evenluxuryboxersweren’tthatexpensive.
Now,asshelookedatthemathandthenumbers,Michael’swordstrickledthroughherbrain.Womenliketotakecareofthepeopletheylove.Somehow,someway,Stellahadusedmarketdata,math,andstatistics,toquantifyloveintoasinglevariable.
βwaslove.
βwasazerooraone.Ayesorano.
Anditwasoverwhelminglylinkedtothetimewhenmenquitpurchasingtheirownunderwear.Itwasn’tanabsolute,ofcourse.Peoplewerepeople,andtheyhatedtobeentirelypredictable.Butitwasavisibletrend.Youcouldgamblewiththisdataandwinmorethanyoulost.
Ifawomanpurchasedunderclothesforaman,itmeantshelovedhim.
Stellawasfullycapableofpurchasingunderclothes.
Sheleftworkearlythatdaytogoshopping.Whenshereturnedhomewithherfind,shewrappeditinaredbowandhiditatthebottomofthedrawerMichaelhadappropriatedforhisunderclothes.Ifhestoppedbuyingboxersnow,itmeanthelovedherback.
Ifhelovedher,herlabelswouldn’tmatter.She’dtellhimeverything.{CHAP+ER}
23
MichaelrakedahandthroughhishairashestaredatthesuitshanginginStella’scloset,tryingtopickouttheonehe’dweartothebenefittonight.Hewasgoingtomeetherparents.Everynerveinhisbodytoldhimitwasgoingtogoterribly,buthewouldstilldraghimselfthere.
Stellahadaskedhimtocome.
Shepeekedintothedoorway,grinning.“Can’tdecidewhichone?”
“Youpick.”
Shyly,shesteppedintothecloset.Shewasholdingthedresshe’dmadetoherchest.“Zipmefirst?”
Becausehecouldn’tresist,hekissedherneck,suckingonthesweetskinashesearchedunderneaththeloosebodiceandpalmedhertits.Whenhepinchedhernipples,herbreathhitchedinthesexiestway.
“We’regoingtobelateifyoukeepthatup.”
“Everyone’slatetothesekindsofthings.”Hebithernapeashestrokedahandoverherbellyandpreparedtoslipintoherpanties.Helovedtouchingherthere,lovedthewaysheresponded.
“Myparentsareneverlate.Theywanttomeetyou.”
Hishandfrozeinmid-descent.Becausehecouldn’tbringhimselftosayhewantedtomeetthem—whywouldhewanttomeetpeoplewhowereboundtodisapproveofhim?—hesaid,“Itshouldbeinteresting.”
“Thankyouforcomingwithme.Iknowyou’dratherdootherthings.”
He’dratherdopromfittings,buthedidn’tsaythat.“YouknowhowIliketowearsuits.”That,atleast,wastrue.Hewithdrewhishandfromherdressandpulledthezipperup.
“Athree-piece.Iloveyouinthree-piecesuits.”
“Theblackone,then.It’lllookgoodwithyourdress.”
Shegrinnedassheturnedtofacehim.“Everythinglooksgoodwithmydress.PeoplearegoingtoaskwhereIgotit.CanItellthemit’saMichaelLarsenoriginal?”
Hehesitatedasheheardhisfullnameonherlips.“Youknowmyrealname.”
Hereyelashessweptdownward.“Itwasonyourelectricbillandtheuniforminyourpicture.Areyoumad?”
“Areyou?”HadsheGoogledhimorhisfamily?Therewerearticlesinthelocalpapersthatoutlinedindetailalltheshithisdadhaddone.Hadshereadthem?No,shecouldn’thave.Shewasn’tlookingathimwithveiledsuspicion.Itwasonlyamatteroftimethough.
Hisheartcrashed,andhisskinwenthot.Tick,tock.Tick,tock.Buttheclockwasn’ttickingdowntothetimewhenheexplodedandhurteveryone.Now,itwastickingdowntothetimewhenshelearnedeverythinganditwasoverbetweenthem.
Sheliftedashoulder,butshedidn’tlookathim,andshedidn’tspeak.
“Youaremad,”hesaidinrealization.
“Madisn’ttherightword.”
“Whatistherightword?”
“Idon’tknow.Ifeltlikeyoudidn’ttrustme.”Shehuggedherarmsaroundhermiddle.“LikeyouweremakingsureIwon’tbeabletofindyouwhenthingsendbetweenus.”
“No,Itrustyou.Iwasjust…”Afraidoflosingher.“Ihatemylastname.”That,too.
“Why?”
“It’smydad’s.”
Shesearchedhisfacewithhereyebrowsdrawntogether.“Whydoyouhateyourdad?Becauseheleftyourmom?”
Heswallowedhard.Ifheansweredthatquestiontruthfully,he’dlosehertoday,rightnow.
Thebadnessinhisheartadvisedhimtolie.Itwouldbesoeasyjusttolie.Thatwaswhathisdadalwaysdid.
“I’msorry,”shesaidinarush.Blinkingrapidly,sheadjustedherglassesandrubbedatanelbow.“It’stoopersonal,isn’tit?ForgetIasked.”
“Stella,youcanaskmethings,”hesaid,feelinganachestartinhischestandspreadoutward.Itwasn’tarelationshipiftheycouldn’ttalktoeachother.“Ihatehimbecauseofthewayheleft,becausehe’sacheaterandabadperson.Ihaven’tseenhiminyears,butI’mcertainhe’souttherecheatingonotherwomen,hurtingotherpeople,leavingthemintheworstway.It’swhathedoes.”
“Heleftyou,too?”sheaskedwithsadeyes.
“Yeah,andallofmysisters.”
HismomhadtoldMichaelnottoholdwhathisdaddidtoheragainsthim,toforgivehim,buthowdidyouforgivesomeonewhowasn’teventhere?Asfatherswent,aslongastheyweren’tabusingyou,ashittyonewasstillbetterthannone.Michaelhadnone.Andtryingtoholdthefamilytogetherbyhimselfwasbreakinghimapart.
Shethrewherselfintohisarmsandhuggedhimtight,sayingnothing,andMichaelkissedherforehead.Witheachbreath,hersweetStellascentreachedintohimandsoothedhim.Heneededthis.Heneededher.Whenpeopleheardabouthisdad,theycursedhim,andtheyempathizedwithhismom.NoneofthemthoughtaboutwhatitmeanttoMichael.NoonebutStella.
Heknewheshouldtellhertheotherhalfofthestoryabouthisdad,buthecouldn’t.Hehadn’tlovedherenoughyet.
Settingherawayfromhisbody,hesaid,“Weshouldgetready.”
???
ThebenefitwasatanexclusiveclubawaysdownPageMillRoad,amidlightedtenniscourts,puttinggreens,andglowingblueswimmingpools.MichaelparkedStella’sTeslainfrontofalargebuildingwithmodernlinesandtheuglybrownfa?adetypicalofPaloAltoarchitecture.
AfterhehelpedStellaoutofthecar,shestaredatthewindowsoftheclub.Hernervousnesswasobvious,butthegoldenlightspillingfromthewindowsmadeherlookdreamilybeautiful.Herhairwaspulledupinaloosesideknot,pinnedinplacewithawhitesilkrosette.Shehadn’tneededtobringapurse—Michaelhadherphoneandcardsinhispocket—andheremptyhandsarabesquedonherthighs.
“IfIstarttalkingaboutwork,willyoustopme,please?”
Hetookherhandinhisandsqueezed,feelingthecoldsweatonherpalm.“Why?Yourworkisinteresting.”
“Igetcarriedaway,andItakeovertheconversation.Itbotherspeople.”
“Ilikeitwhenyougetcarriedaway.”Thatwaswhenshewasathermostcaptivating,whenhereyestwinkled.Hebroughtherhandtohislipsandkissedherknuckles.
Hermouthwobbledintoanuncertainsmileasshelookedupathim.“That’spartofwhyyou’resowonderfultome.”
“I’mgladyouknowit.”
Shelaughedasheledhertothefrontdoors.Onceinside,thedinofhundredsofcasualconversationsenvelopedthem.ThebanquetroomwasfilledwalltowallwithroundtablesofSiliconValley’sfinest,andalivebandplayedlow-keyjazzfromastageatthebackoftheroom.Awallcomposedalmostentirelyofwindowsshowcasedthelappoolandlightedgolfcourseoutside.
“Howareyoudealingwithallthisnoise?”
Sheturnedtofacehimwithastartledlook.“Isitbotheringyou,too?”
“I’mfine.You’retheoneI’mworriedabout.”Hedidn’twanthertoenduphyperventilatingoutsideagain.
“Thenoiseisn’tterrible.I’mmorenervousabouttheseatingarrangements.Mymomlikestosurroundmewithnewpeople.I’vegottenbetteratthetalking,butit’sstillalotofwork.”
Hetiltedhisheadasheabsorbedthat.Forhim,talkingwas…talking.Therewasn’taworkpart.“Youoverthinkit.”
“IhavetothinkreallyhardwhenItalk.OtherwiseIblurtoutrudethings,andIalienateeveryone.”
“It’sbecauseyou’resohonest.”
“Peopledon’tlikehonest.Exceptforwhenyou’resayinggoodthings.Figuringoutwhatpeoplethinkisgoodistricky,especiallywhenIdon’tknowthem.Itmakesconversationaminefield.”
AwomanwhohadtobeStella’smothersailedforwardinropesofpearlsandaloose,off-whitedressthatfelloverslendercurvestomidcalf.HerdarkhairwasgatheredinabunidenticaltotheoneStellausuallywore,accentuatingafacialstructureMichaelwasveryfamiliarwith.ThiselegantmidfiftieswomanwasStellainanothertwentysomeyears.Stella’sfuturehusbandwasaluckyfuckingbastard.
ShehuggedStellaandpulledbacktoadmireherwithmaternalpride.“Stelladear,youlooklovely.”HerattentionswitchedtoMichael,andshesmiled.“Andthereheis.Sogoodtoseeyou,Michael.I’mStella’smother,Ann.”
Sheheldherhandout,knucklesup,andheliftedittohismouthtobrushaquickkissovertheback.Heknewhewasinupper-crustterritorywhenhandkissingwasanexpectedgreeting.
“Goodtoseeyou,Ann.”
“Andhisvoiceisbeautiful,too.Ijustcan’tgetoverthisdress,Stella.Whereverdidyourpersonalshopperfindit?Youlooklikeaflower.”
Stellabeamedathim.“Michaelisadesigner.Thisisoneofhiscreations.”
Anddidn’tthatsoundperfectcomingfromherlips?Theonlyproblemwashehadn’tdesignedmuchinthepastthreeyears,andhedidn’tseehimselfgettingbacktoitanytimesoon.Hismomsaidshedidn’tneedhimattheshop,butwithhersickness,heneededtokeepaneyeonher.He’drunacrossherunconsciousbodyinthebathroomtwice.Ifhehadn’t,whoknewwhatwouldhavehappened.
Ambitioncouldwait.Heonlyhadonemom.
Ifhefeltstifledandsuffocatedintheprisonofhislife,thatwashisproblem.Thiswasn’tgoingtolastforever.Hedidn’twanthertodie.Helovedher.Butitwasanunavoidabletruththatherpassingwouldsethimfree.
Love,hefound,wasajail.Ittrapped,anditclippedwings.Itdraggedyoudown,forcedyoutoplacesyoudidn’twanttogo—likethisclubhedidn’tbelongin.
Annclaspedherpearls.“Oh,isn’tthatperfectforyou,Stella.Didhemakethishimself?”SheflutteredaroundStella,checkingthezipper,peekinginsideattheconstructionofthedress.“Concealedseams.Notags.Andit’ssosoft.”
AnnlookedupatMichaelwithglassyeyesbeforeshewhisperedinStella’searandkissedhercheek,makingStellablush.
“Well,comeonandletmeintroduceyoutoherfather.”Annloopedherarmaroundhisandsteeredthemtowardahalf-occupiedtablefarfromtheband.
Amiddle-agedmanwithabitofapotbelly,grayhair,andwire-rimmedglassessatnexttofouremptyseats.Hewascarryingonananimatedconversationwiththegoodish-lookingblondguyathisside.
“Edward,thisisMichael.Michael,thisisEdward,Stella’sfather.”
Stella’sdadstoodupandshookhands.Itwasacivilhandshake,firmwithoutfightingfordominance,butthelightbrowneyesbehindhislensesexaminedMichaellikealaboratoryspecimenofunknownorigin.Michaelfeltlikehehadonpromnightmeetinghisdate’sdadforthefirsttime,likeheshouldhavebroughthisrésuméandlatestSTDscreeningresults.Hestifledtheimpulsetoshakeouthishandsandfeetlikehedidbeforehesparredincompetition.
“Nicetomeetyou,”Michaelsaid.
“Apleasure,”Stella’sdadsaidwithastiffsmilethatremindedMichaelalotofhisowndad—well,ifhisdadhadbeenremotelynormal.
“ThisisPhilipJames,”Annsaid,indicatingtheblondguy.“Philip,thisisMichael,Stella’sboyfriend.”
Philipstoodupandstraightenedablacksuitcoatthatfithisathleticframeinawaythatwouldmakeanytailorproud.“Pleasedtomeetyou.”Theguyheldhishandoutpolitely.WhenMichaelshookit,however,hisfingersweretightenedinapainfulvise.Whatthehell?Philip’shazelgazewasflintyashesizedMichaelup.“Stellatoldmeaboutyouatwork.”
Atwork?MichaelglancedatStella,andshelookedawayuncomfortably.Thekiss.ThiswasDexterStewartMortimerNiles.
MichaelreleasedPhilip’shandbeforehegaveintotheurgetoslamhimontothetable.“Philip,”hesaidwithatersenod.
ThispieceofshithadputhistongueinStella’smouth.HewasnotatallwhatMichaelhadexpected.Heshouldhavebeenthinner,withbadpostureandlessmuscle.Hedefinitelyshouldhavehadglasses,nicethickonesthatlookedlikebinoculars.
Seeminglyoblivioustothetensionthickeningtheair,Anncontinuedintroducingthewell-dressedpeopleseatedaroundthetable:asinglenerdyguywhofitMichael’soriginalperceptionofPhiliptoaTandhappenedtoownawell-knowntechcompany,ahighlyeducatedIndiancouple,andawhite-hairedolderwomaninalavenderskirtsuitwhoseneck,ears,andfingersdrippedwithenormousdiamonds.
HeunbuttonedhisjacketandsatdownbetweenStellaandthetable’slastemptyseatwithacomposurethatthreeyearsofescortinghadtaughthim.
“So,Michael,tellmeaboutyourself,”Stella’sdadsaid,crossinghisarmsandleaningbackinhischaironacalculatinggaze.Yep,thiswaspromnightalloveragain.
Michaelknewexactlyhowthiswasgoingtogo.
“Whatwouldyouliketohear?”Michaelasked.
“Forstarters,whatdoyoudo?”
Philipwatchedhimwithsulleninterest
Michael’sdadhadwantedhimtobeanastrophysicistoranengineer.Neartheend,hisdadhadsettledonarchitect.Thatwasstillrespectable.“I’madesigner.”
“Oh,howinteresting.Whatdoyoudesign?Ordoesyoursecurityclearancenotallowyoutosay?”
Whenheunraveledthat,healmostlaughed.“No,I’mnotadefensecontractor.Idesignclothes.”
“HedesignedStella’sdress,honey,”Stella’smomsaidwithagentlesmile.“He’sremarkablytalented.”
Edward’sfacewrinkledindistaste,butherallied,givingMichaelthebenefitofthedoubt.“Thatmustbeadifficultbusinesstogetsuccessfulin.AreyouworkingunderoneofthoseNewYorkdesigners?”
“Notcurrently.”
“Youmustbecreatingyourownline.That’sexciting,”Annsaid.
“I’vetakensometimeoff,tobehonest.”
Stellabegantospeak,buthegrabbedherhandandshookhisheadslightly.Hereallydidn’tneedthesepeopletoknowhediddrycleaningandalterationsallday.Itwasbadenoughitwasthetruth.
No,itwasn’tbad.Hewasn’tashamedofit.Itwasgood,honestwork—fuckit.Whatsensewasthereinlyingtohimself?Sittingnexttoallthesepeoplewiththeirfancyeducationsandexorbitantwealth,yes,hewasashamed.Hewasn’tthekindofmananyonewouldpairwithsomeonelikeStella.
“So…youdonothing?”Philipaskedwithalookofdisbelief.
Michaelschooledhisfeaturesintononchalanceandshrugged.“Moreorless.”Hismom’sillnesswasnoneoftheirfuckingbusiness,andhedidn’twantthewholetablelookingathimwithpity.
MatchinggrimacescrossedEdward’sandPhilip’sfaces,andMichaelclenchedhisjaw.TheyprobablythoughthewantedtomarryStellaforhermoney.Didn’ttheyknowStellawastoosmartforthatkindofshit?Whenshefellinlove,itwouldbewithsomeonewhowashermatch.
“I’dgocrazywithboredom.”Philip’sexpressionturnedthoughtfulashelookedatStella.“Youcan’tstandinactivity,canyou,Stella?You’redriven,andyoulikeknowingyourworkhasanimpactontheworld.It’swhywegetalongsowell.”
“It’strueIlikeworking,”Stellaallowed,butshecastaworriedlookatMichael.
“Ed,youshouldhaveseenwhatshedidwiththelastprojectweworkedontogether,”Philipsaid.“ShecameattheprobleminawayI’dneverseenbeforeandissingle-handedlyrevolutionizingthewayonlinevendorsmarkettotheircustomers.”
“I’msureshecouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyourhelp,Phil.”Stella’sdadgraspedPhilip’sshoulderfondly.Sothesetwoalreadyknewoneanother?Weretheygolfpartnersorsomeshit?FifteendifferentwaystochuckamanflittedthroughMichael’smind.AndwhatwasthisaboutherneedingPhilip?Stelladidn’tneedanyone.NotevenMichael,notanymore.Hewasn’tsureifsheeverhad.
AgenuinesmilecurvedoverStella’slips.“That’sactuallytrue.Weworkwelltogether.”
Really.HehatedtheideaofherworkingwithPhilipandlikinganypartofit.ThebastardshouldhaveirritatedherasmuchashedidMichael.Hewashitbythejuveniledesiretokissherpubliclyandstakehisclaimonher,andheremovedhishandfromhersbeforehecouldact.Shedidn’tnotice.ShewasstillsmilingatPhilip—herrealsmile,
“She’soneofthefewwhocantolerateme.IknowI’manasshole.Ihavestandards,andIcan’tstandlazinessandineptitude.”PhilipsentatellingglanceMichael’sway.
Michaeltookadeepbreathandreleaseditslowly.Hesearchedthewallsoftheroomforaclock.Howmuchmoreofthisdidhehavetowithstand?
Theconversationatthetableveereddownthepathofeconomictheoryandadvancedstatistics,andhewatchedwithasinkingsensationasStellaopenedupandbegantalking.Shehadsaidtostopherifshestartedtalkingaboutwork,butshewaslovingit.Itwassoclearlyherpassioninlife.Michaeldidn’twanttodenyher.Philip,forallhissupposedassholishness,keptupwithherinawayMichaelnevercould.
Hewasremindedofthatkiss.She’dsaidshehadn’tlikeditandthatPhilipwasannoying,butshecertainlywasn’tmindinginteractingwithhimnow.
Michaelcouldn’thelpobservingthatStellaandPhilipmadeagood-lookingcouple.Withtheirsimilarinterestsandbackgrounds,theywerenauseatinglyperfectforoneanother.HerememberedthatitwasPhilipwhohadinspiredStellatohireanescortinthefirstplace.She’dwantedtomakePhiliphers.Maybe—fuck,hehatedthinkingthis—maybesheshould.
Attheendoftheday,whatMichaelandStellahadwasphysical.Theydidn’tconnectinthiscerebralmanner,andheknewhowimportantitwasthatStella’smindwasstimulated.
Itsuckedadmittingit,buthewasn’tenoughforher.Onseveraldifferentlevels.Shecouldneverlovehim.Michaelreallywasnothingbutpractice.Astheeconomicsconversationcontinued,aheartsick,organ-shreddingfeelinggrippedhim.Everythingfeltwrong.Evenhisskinfeltoff-size.
“Oh,I’msogladPhilip’smotherwasabletomakeit,”Annsaid.
Ared-nailedhandrestedonthebackofthechairnexttoMichael,andafamiliarcombinationofscentsassailedhisnose.Cinnamonandcigarettes.Icecubesclinkedbeforealowballglasshalf-filledwithwhiskeywassetonthetable
“Hello,darlings.SorryI’mlate.”Apetitewomanwithlongbleachedblondhairandatightblackcocktaildressloweredherselfintotheemptyseat.Herprofilewasturnedtohim,butMichaelrecognizedher.He’dkissedthatjaw.“Ihadtomakeaquickstopbefore—”Shefacedhim,andherexpressionwentassurprisedastheBotoxallowed.“Well,well,well,hello,Michael.”
“Hello,Aliza.”Whatanexcellenttimetobumpintohisleast-favoriteformerclient.{CHAP+ER}
24
“Youtwoareacquainted?Howwonderfulisthat.”Hermotherclappedherhandstogether.
Stellafeltlikeshewasgoingtovomit.Philip’smomwasthewomanfromtheclub.She’dgivenMichaelhiscar.Theonehedroveeveryday.Theonehewouldn’tletStellareplace.
Michaelreclinedinhisseatwithacoolsmile,lookingcasual,perfectlycomfortable,anddrop-deadhandsomeinhisblacksuit.“Wegoawaysback.”
Alizareleasedahuskylaughandstrokedherhanddownhisarm.“Wedo.”
Whenhedidn’tsomuchasflinchatthecontact,Stella’sthroatknotted.Michaellikedolderwomen—he’dsaidso.Withherlargebreasts,tinyfigure,whiskey-smoothvoice,andsophisticatedseductiveness,shewassexincarnate.Stellaremindedherselfhe’dendedthingswithAliza.Today,hehadn’tgivenAlizathreegloriousorgasmswithhisbeautifulmouthbeforemakinglovetoherlikehecouldn’tgetenough.
“Pleasedotellme,whodidyoucomeherewith?”Aliza’seyessweptoverthetableandconsideredStella’smotherbeforetheywentbacktoMichael’sface.
“He’sherewithme.”Stellascootedclosertohimandcoveredhishandwithhers.Sheexpectedhimtofliphishandoverandinterlacetheirfingerslikeheusuallydid.Whenheremainedimmobile,herstomachdropped.Whatdidthatmean?
AlizapickedupherwhiskeyandconsideredStellaovertheglass’srim.“Well,aren’tyouwholesome-looking.Yourdaughterisbeautiful,Ann.IcanseewhyPhillikeshersomuch.It’sashamesheisn’tsingle.”
Hermothersmiled,butStellacouldseefromthetensionaroundhereyesthatshewasworried.“Thankyou,Aliza.Thesetwolookveryhappy.It’snoshameatall.”
StellasqueezedMichael’shandtighterasshestaredupathisprofile.Beforetonight,theyhadbeenhappy.Whatwaswrong?Heremainedimpassive,hisgazetrainedonAliza.Stellawastouchinghim,buthefeltmilesaway.
“Soit’sserious?”AlizalookedatStella’sparentsbeforeshesmirkedandsentMichaelanamusedglance.“Meetingtheparentsnow,Michael?Wouldyouhavemetminefortherightprice?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”PhilipnarrowedhiseyesashelookedfromhismomtoMichaelandbackagain.
Alizatookahealthydrinkfromherlowballglassandsmiledsuggestively.“Weusedto…goondates.”
“You’vegottobekiddingme.”PhilipstaredatMichaelinrisingdisgust.“You’vesleptwithmymom?”
“Notexactly,”Michaelrepliedwithatightsmile.
Alizachuckled.“Therewasn’tanysleepinginvolved,ifIremembercorrectly.”
“Oh,forPete’ssake.Ineedadrink.”Herfatherpushedawayfromthetable.
“Getmeanotherwhiskeyontherockswhileyou’reatit,darling,”Alizasaid,shakingherglass.
“You’vehadenough.”Hefledtowardthecocktailbarinthebackcorner.
Aliza’sthroatylaughfloatedoverthetablebeforeshedrainedherglassoftheamberfluidandsetitdown.“Never.”
BecauseStellawassittingsoclosetoMichael,shesawwhenAliza’srednailsbrushedoverhisthigh.Hedidn’tmove.Hemerelystaredatthewomanasherhandstrokedleisurelyupward,comingcloserandclosertotheflyofhispants.Whywasn’thestoppingher?Didhewanthertotouchhim?
Standingupabruptly,hesaid,“I’mgoingtogetsomeair.Excuseme.”
BeforeAlizacouldpursuehim,Stellajumpedupandfollowedhimthroughthebackdoors.Theairoutsidesmelledofnighttime,cutgrass,andchlorine,andthecoolnesssentgoosebumpsoverherbareshouldersandarms.
“Michael,”shecalledout.
Hepausednexttotheblueglowingswimmingpool.“Youshouldgobackin,Stella.”
Shewalkedtohisside.Thisdistancebetweenthemwasmakingherpanic.Howdidshebringthembacktogetheragain?Shetookhishandandwrappedhimaroundherwaistasshepushedherbodyclose.“ButI’llmissyou.”
Hiseyessoftened,andhetightenedhisarmsaroundher.Shesighedandrestedhercheekonhischest,breathinghimin.Ifhecouldholdherlikethis,everythingwasstillokay.
“Youwerehavingagoodtimebeforemypastsatatthetable.”Heswepthishandupanddownherback.
“Iwouldratherhavestayedhomewithyou.”Shebroughtherselfclosertohimandkissedhisthroat.“Whydidyoulethertouchyoulikethat?Itdrovemecrazy.”Hewashers.
“Didit?”Heskimmedhislipsoverherjaw,brushinglightkissesuponhersensitiveskin.
“Yes.”
“It’sabadpolicytomakeascenewithformerclients.Eveniftheydon’tappreciateitatthetime,theycometolateron.I’lldomybesttoaffordyouthesamecourtesyinthefuture.”
Inthefuture.Aftertheyseparated.“Idon’twantthat.”
Hewaspartofherlifenow,oneofthebestparts.Hecouldn’tleave.
“Thatmakesthingseasierforme,”hesaid.
“No,that’snotwhatImeant.”
“Whatdoyouwant,Stella?”
“Iwant…”Shelickedherlipsandtookabreath.Couldshesayshewantedhim?Couldshesayshelovedhim?Shesmoothedherhandsoverhischestandgrippedhisshoulders,andhewatchedherwithraptattention.Shewishedshewerebetterwithwords.Shewishedshecouldletherbodyspeakforher.Herbodyalwaysknewhowtocommunicateperfectlywithhis.Evennow,shefoundherselfrespondingtohisnearness,leaninginclose,fittingagainsthimjustright.
HisAdam’sapplebobbed,andhepulledaway.“Comeon,then.Let’sgetbacktoyourplace.Unlessyouwanttotryitinthecar?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Sex,Stella.”Thewordswerehardandclippedinthenightair.
Herlungsconstrictedsotightshecouldbarelybreathe.“That’snotwhatIwasgoingtosay.”
“Thenweneedtoendthisfarce.BecauseIdon’thaveanythingelsetogiveyou.”
“Butyoudo.Youlistentomeandtalktomeand—”
“Iwillneverbeabletotalktoyoulikethatassholeinthere.Idon’tevenwantto.I’mtoostupidtogiveashitaboutmathandeconomics.”
“That’snottrue.Youaresmart.”
“I’veamountedtonothing.I’vegonenowhere.Ifuckpeopleformoney,andwhenthat’snotenough…”Hemethereyeswithasteady,seriousgaze.“Ithinkaboutstealingit.Iplanitoutinmyhead,whoI’dtakeitfrom,theliesI’dsay,howIcouldcovermytracks.BecauseI’mjustlikemydad.”
Sheshookherhead.Whatwashetalkingabout?Hewouldneversteal.Shehadnodoubtofit.
“YouwantedtoknowwhyIhatehim.I’lltellyouthewholereason.”Hepausedforaheavysecondbeforesaying,“He’ssogoodatcheatinghe’sfamousforit.Hewasinthenewsawhileago.Haven’tyouheardofhim?FrederickLarsen.”
“Idon’t…”Butevenasshespoke,thefamiliarsoundofthenamedredgedupmemories.Shedrewinasuddenbreath.“Theconartist.Heseducedwomenand…”
“Stolefromthem.Hetoldeveryoneheownedasoftwarecompany.Hewasgonesooftenon‘businesstrips.’Mymomknewhecheated,buthealwayscameback.Untilthreeyearsagowhenhedisappearedandhisotherwifeshoweduponmymom’sdoorsteplookingforhim.Itturnedouteverydollarheearnedcamefromsomeswindledwoman.Andheswindledmymomtheworst.Beforeheleftthelasttime,heclearedoutherbankaccountsandcashedoutonenormousloansinhername.Shehadtomortgageeverythingtotheteethtopaythemoff,buteventhatwasn’tenough.Shewasgoingtolosetheshopandherhouseshe’dworkedsohardfor.Mysisterwasgoingtohavetodropoutofschoolbecausewesuddenlycouldn’tpayforit.”
Heturnedawayfromherandbeganunknottinghistiewithviolentjerksofhishands.“ThejobI’dbeensocrazyabout—theoneI’dtraveledacrossthecountryfor,thinkingmyfamilywashomesafewithmydad—paidsuchasmallamountIhadtoquit.Ididn’thaveanyskillsthatpaidquickly,notlikeyou.SoItookthisthingmyfathergaveme,mybodythat’sthesameexactheightashis,mysmilethatlooksjustlikehis,andIsoldit.IfuckedhalfofCaliforniawithit,dayandnightformonths,andIusedthatmoneytohelpmakeeverythingright.Butbythattime,mymomgotsick,andshe…”
Thetieflutteredtotheground,andheloosenedhistopbuttonslikehisshirtwassuffocatinghim.Hecoveredhiseyeswithhispalmashebreathedraggedly.
Stellasteppedtowardhimhesitantly.Sheplacedherhandonhisface,findingitdrenchedwithhottears.Herthroatwastooswollentospeak,soshewrappedherarmsaroundhisneckandheldhimwithallherstrength.Heburiedhisfaceinherhairandheldherback.
“It’snotyourfaultyourdaddidthathorriblething,andyou’renothinglikehim,”shewhispered.Howcouldhepossiblybelievethat?
“IfI’dbeenthere,Imighthavenoticedwhathewasdoing,andImighthavestoppedit.”
“Shhhh.”Shesmoothedherfingersthroughhishair.“Evenifyou’dbeenthere,youwouldn’thavefoundanythinguntilitwastoolate.Hefooledtonsofpeople.That’swhathe’sgoodat.”
Hetightenedhisarmsafractionandpressedakisstohercheek.Whenhespoke,hisvoicewasroughandintimate,bare.“Thecrazythingis,evenafterallhe’sdone,evenwithhowmuchI’mashamedofhimandhatehim,Istillmisshim.He’smydad.Mydadisalying,cheatingcriminal,andIlovehim.”
StellahadnowordsforMichaelatthatpoint,soshecontinuedtoholdhim.Whatdidyousaywhensomeonehurtlikethis?Allshecoulddowasrestherbeatingheartnexttohisandhurtwithhim.
Afteramomentandaneternity,Michaelpulledaway.Wipingatthetearsonhercheeks,hesaid,“IacceptedyourproposalbecauseIwantedtohelpyouwithyourissues,andit’sclearwe’veworkedthroughthem.You’rereadyforarealrelationshipnow.Ifsomebastarddoesn’twantyoubecauseyou’reautistic,hedoesn’tdeserveyou.Doyouhearme?Youhavenothingtobeashamedof.”
Theblooddrainedfromherface,andherheartstoppedbeating.“Youknow?”
Hesmiledslightly.“Ifigureditoutafterthatfirstnightatmymom’s.”
He’dknownallthistime?Wasthatgoodorbad?Shedidn’tknow.“Youwanttoleave?”sheheardherselfask.
“It’stimeformetomoveon,Stella.We’renotgivingeachotherallthethingsweneed.”
Sheunderstoodatoncehemeanther,thatshewasn’tenoughforhim.Becauseofwhoandwhatshewas,herimpairmentsandeccentricities,herlabel.
Blackhopelessnessdraggedherdown.Ithadbeenna?veofhertohopeshecouldseducehim.Herchinquivered,andshebittheinsideofherliptostillthemotion.“Isee.”
Hebrushedhisfingertipsacrosshercheek,tuckedtendrilsofhairbehindherear.“Youneedmorethansex,andIcan’tgiveyouthosethings.”
Shelookeddownathershoes.Maybeithadjustbeensexforhim,butforher,aspatheticasitsounded,ithadfeltlikelove.
Hesmoothedwarmhandsdownhercoldarmsandsqueezedherhands.“Thankyouforthesepastmonths.Theywerespecialtome.”
Notspecialenough.
“Thankyou,Michael.Forhelpingmewithmyanxietyissues.”
“Promiseyouwon’tbehiringmoreescortsafterthis.”
“Nomoreescorts.Ipromise.”Therewasonlyoneescortshewanted.
“Goodgirl.”Hebreathedakissintoherhair.“I’mgoingtogonow.”
“Icandriveyouhome.”Shedidn’twantthemtopartyet.
“I’dprefertocallacab.Iwanttoclearmythingsfromyourplace,andit’sbetterifyou’renottherewhenIdothat.Takecare,okay?”
“Okay.”
Hedugherkeyfob,phone,andcardsfromhispocketsandhandedthemtoher.“Good-bye,Stella.”
“Good-bye,Michael.”
Statue-stillandnumb,shewatchedasheleft.Then,sheturnedaroundandwalkedinside.Herpreferencewastogohome,buthewantedtocollecthisthingsinpeace.Allotherexitstrategieswereout,aswell.Thethoughtofpassingbyhimintheparkinglotorontheroadfilledhereyeswithfreshtears.
Bettertoreturntothedinner.Itwasthelastplaceshewantedtoberightnow.
Aftergoingtothebathroomandfixinghermakeupaswellassheknewhow,sheseatedherselfatthetable.
“Where’sMichael,Stelladear?”hermotheraskedquietly.
“Heleft.Wejustbrokeup.”
Philipsmirked.
AlizacastStellaapityingglancefromtheothersideofMichael’semptychairandplacedahandonStella’sshoulder.“Menlikehimneedtobefree,darling.”
StellapushedAliza’shandoffwithoutaword.
Herfathernarrowedhiseyesindispleasure.Sheknewhowhefeltaboutanykindofrudebehavior.“It’sallforthebest.”
Foronce,hermotherhadnothingtosay.ShemerelywatchedStellawithconcernedeyes.
“Youcandomuchbetter,”Philipadded.Thedirectnessofhisgazesaidthatbybetterhemeanthim
Stella’sknuckleswentwhiteasshecurledherfingersaroundherknees.Emotionboiledinsideherchest,screamingtogetout,butshebititback.
“Iagree,”herfathersaid.“Isawnothinggoodinthatman.”
Sharpnesslancedherinsides,andhercontroldissolved.“Thenyouweren’tlookingcloselyenough.He’snotdoingnothing.He’snotlazy.Sometimestherearemoreimportantthingsthanpassionandambition.Heputhiscareeronholdsohecouldtakecareofhismom,who’sdyingofcancer.He’sthekindofpersonwhowillgiveupeverythingforthepeopleheloves,everything.He’snothingbutgood.”
Andhedidn’twanther.
Herfather’sfacedarkened.“Thenwhydidn’thesayso?”
“Whywouldhewanttosharethatwithpeoplewhoarelookingdownonhim?”
“Iwasn’t—”
“That’senough,Edward,”hermothersnapped.“Itwasobviouswhatyouwerethinking.Youwanthertobewithsomeonedrivenandcareer-focused,someonewhocantakecareofher.Youdon’tseemtorealizeshe’sdrivenenoughonherown,andshedoesn’tneedsomeonetotakecareofherfinancially.Stelladear,let’sgetoutofhere.Thenoiseisgettingtome.”
Hermotherheldoutherhand,andStellatookit,lettingherselfbeledtoanemptyseatingareajustoutsidethebanquetroom.Amassivebouquetofwillowbranchesandcallaliliesdominatedthelowcoffeetable.
Stellatracedtheedgeofoneoftheflowersbeforeshesatdownandshuthereyes.Itwasmuchquieterouthere,andsomeofthetensioninherheadeased.Buttheacheinherheartdidn’tabate.Instead,itspreadoutwardandintensified,crushingherwithhopelessnessanddefeat.Thesoftweightofhermother’shandonherleghadhereyesdriftingopen.
Hermotherembracedher,pullingherintoropesofcoolpearlsandChanelNo.5.Stellastilldidn’tlikethatstrongscent,butinthatmoment,itsfamiliaritycalmedher.Sherelaxedandlethermotherholdherlikeshehadwhenshewaslittle,notrealizingshewascryinguntilhermotherhushedherandbeganrockingsidetoside.
“I’msosorry,dear.I’vealwayswantedanartistforyou,someonesensitivewhowouldputyoufirst.Later,wecanthinkupastrategicwaytofindtheperfectperson.YoushouldreallytryTinder,dear.”
Evennow,hermotherwasstillinhoneybadgermode.Shenevergaveup.
Stellareleasedalong,raggedbreath.“ThatpersonwasMichael.”
“Don’tgetstubbornonmenow,Stella.Therearebillionsofpeopleonthisplanet,andyoucan’tforcelove.You’llfindabetterfitthanhimifyoustayfocused.”
Stellasaidnothing.Michaelwasmintchocolatechipforher.Shecouldtryotherflavors,buthe’dalwaysbeherfavorite.
Herdifferencesalwaysdidthis.Theylefthermostalonewhenshewassurroundedbypeople.Usually,shedidn’tcare.Shedidn’tneedpeople.Shewashappiestwhenshehadthespaceandtimetofocusonthingsthatinterestedher.ButMichaelinterestedher,andshedidn’tfeelalonewhenshewaswithhim.Farfromit.Theknowledgethatitwasallone-sidedhurt
“Doyouthink,Momma,thatyoucouldshelvethehusband-huntingandgrandbabydiscussionsforawhile?Iwanttomakeyouhappy,butI’mreallytiredrightnow.”
Hermothersqueezedhertighter.“Ofcourse,forgetallaboutgrandchildren.Ididn’tmeantopressureyou.Ijustwantyouhappy.”
Stellasighedandshuthereyes.Shedidn’tcareaboutbeinghappy.Allshewantedatthemomentwastofeelnothing
???
ThesilenceinStella’shousewasabsolute.FunnyhowMichaelhadnevernoticeditbefore.Whenhewashere,hewasusuallybusytalkingtoStella,listeningtoherquirkyobservations,cookinginhermassivekitchenandfeedingher,kissingher,makinglovetoher..
Hewasgoingtomissthishouse.HewasgoingtomissStella.Alot.Healreadymissedher.Hewasbreakingintopiecesfrommissingher.Endingtheirarrangementhadbeentherightthingtodo,though.Shedidn’tneedhishelpanymore,andshedeservedsomeonebetterthanhim.Someonesmarterwhodidn’thaveacriminalforadad.Someonewhocouldimpressherparentsanddidn’trunintopastclientswhentheywentouttodinner.
Thatremindedhimthathe’dbebacktoregularescortingnextFriday.Thethoughtheldabsolutelynoappeal.Hewasn’tevensureifhecouldgetahard-onforsomeoneelseatthispoint.AllhewantedwasStellasmellandStellatasteandStellaskin.Hisbodyhadtuneditselftofither,andnothingelsewoulddo.Theoldfantasiesthatusedtointeresthimwerenowdullandboring.He’ddevelopedanewkink,anditinvolvedashygirlwhodaydreamedabouteconomics.
HesatdownonStella’sbedandrestedhisfaceinhispalms.Thiswashislasttimesittinghere.Fuckitall,anothermanwouldbesleepinginthisbedsoon.Wretcheduglyfeelingsrose.Stellawashistokiss,histotouch,histolove.Hewantedtoteartheblanketsoffthebedandshredeverythingtopieces.Ifhecouldn’thaveit,noonecould.Shecouldgetanewfuckingbed.
Fistinghishands,hemadehimselfgototheclosetbeforehecouldlaywastetoherbedroom.HestuffedT-shirtsandjeansintohissportsbagbeforemovingtotheunderweardrawer.Hewantedtogetthisdonesohecouldleave.Sockspiledintothebag,followedbyneatlyfoldedboxers.Atthebottomofthedrawer,heencounteredanunopenedpackage.Theexactbrandandsizeofboxersheused,thoughheusuallypurchasednavyblueandthesewerered.Abowwastiedaroundit.
Stellahadboughthimunderwear.
Itwasthefirstgiftshe’dgivenhim.Howfunny.Hadshethoughthisweregettingwornout?Maybetheywere.Hetossedthepackageintohissportsbagandzippeditup.Theyweren’tveryexpensive,andshecertainlywasn’tgoingtousethemherself.She’dboughtthemforhim,andhewasgoingtokeepthem.
Onhiswayoutofherroom,heslippedhisbillfoldfromhispocket,fishedoutafoldedslipofpaper,andsetitonhernightstand.There,proofthathewasn’thisdad.
Butmaybethatwasn’twhyitfeltsorighttodothis.Maybeitfeltrightbecausehewasinlove.
Hestrodethroughtheemptyhouse,turningofflightsashewent.Afterhelockedthefrontdoor,hetuckedhiskeyunderthewelcomemat,saidaquietgood-bye,andleft.{CHAP+ER}
25
WhenStellareachedforherglassesthenextmorning,herfingersencounteredapieceofpaper.Frowning,shepickeditupandhelditclosetoherbleary,tear-swolleneyes.Acheck.Hercheck.Forfiftythousanddollars.
Shesatupinbedandrantremblingfingersoverthesurfaceofthecheck.Whatdidthismean?Whyhadn’thekeptitandcashedit?
Hiswordsfromlastnightwhisperedthroughherhead.
IacceptedyourproposalbecauseIwantedtohelpyou.
Notbecausehewantedtobewithher,notevenformoney,butbecausehepitiedher.
Becauseshewasautistic.
Awfulemotionspreadthroughherlikepoison,andshecoveredhermouthtomufflethesoundscomingfromherthroat.She’dthoughtshewasrubbingoffonhim.She’dthoughtshewasspecial.She’dthoughthecouldloveherback.Buteverytimethey’dbeentogether,ithadbeennothingbutcharity.Allthosekisses,allthosemoments,allcharity.Andnowthathe’ddonehisgooddeed,hewasmovingon.
Thepaincrushedandtore,destroyingherfromtheinside.Shewasn’tagooddeed.Shewasaperson.Ifshehadknownhowhefelt,sheneverwouldhaveissuedthatproposal.Shewasnotacharitycase.Hermoneywasjustasgoodasanyoneelse’s.Whycouldn’thehavejusttakenit?
Swipingatherfaceangrily,shetoldherselfshewastougherthanthis.Shewasn’tgoingtofallapartoveramanwhodidn’twanther.
Shemadethebedwithangryjerksofherarmsandstompedintothebathroomtoflossherteeth.Sheworkedthemintstringsoforcefullyhergumsbled.Whensheclosedherhandaroundhertoothbrush,somethingrecklessmadeherletgoandhopintheshowerinstead.Verydeliberately,shereversedhershowerroutine,scrubbingherselffrombottomtotop.Shewasn’tarobotoradisabledautisticgirl.Shewasherself.Shewasenough.Shecouldbeanything.Shecouldmakeherselfintoanything.Shecouldproveeveryonewrong.
Bythetimeshelefttheshower,shewasbreathingheavily.Shewasgoingtodothisanddoitwell.Whenshewasdone,she’dbenewandfreshandfantastic.Shedeservedtobethosethings.
Shedriedherselfoffwithbriskrubsofhertowel,purposefullywalkedpastherwaitingtoothbrush,andwentintothecloset,whereshepulledontheblackdressMichaelloved.Shedidn’tbotherwithacardigan.Letpeoplelook.
Gazinginthemirroroverhersinkasshefinallyallowedherselftobrushherteeth,shefoundhereyesablazewithdetermination.Herhairwasawildmess,butshedidn’tplantotameit.Shewasn’tinatamemood.Otherwomenlettheirmoodsdictatetheiractions,changetheirroutines.Stellawasgoingtobethesame.
Aftershechokeddownasliceofdrytoast,shestaredatheremptyhouse.Whatnow?Herbodyragedwiththeneedforaction,forchange,forviolence.Therewouldbenoworkingtoday.Peopledidn’tworkonSundays.Oncetheshopsopened,theywentout.Theyranerrands.Theydidthingstogether.
TherewasnomoretogetherforStella.
ShesatdownbeforeherglossyblackSteinwayandliftedthefallboardawayfromthekeys.Sheautomaticallyplayedtheopeningchordsfor“ClairdeLune,”butthesongwastooslowandtooromantic,anditremindedherofMichael.Shebrokefromthemelodyafterthefirstcrescendo.Insteadoflettingthemusicebbbackintogentleness,shetookithigher,pouredmelodicanguishintoit.Herthroatswelled,andherheartbledintothenotes.
Thatwasn’tenough.Shegavethepianoherrage.Shepoundedchordsontothekeysinquicksuccessionlikestormwavescrashingoncliffs.Waveafterwaveafterangrywave.Stillnotenough.
Shedidsomethingshe’dneverdonebefore.Stellahadalwaysbeengentle.Shespokesoftly.Shedidn’thurtanyoneintentionally.Shelovedmusicandorderandpatterns.
Sheslammedherhandsonthekeyboard,producingclashingoff-keyjumblesofnotes.Amessofchaos.Loud,loud,louder.Overandoveragainuntilherpalmshurt,andherteethweregnashing,andherbodyshookfromsoundoverload.Atthatpoint,shehitharder,warringagainstthenoiseandherself.
Asnappingdeepwithinthepianotraveledupherfingersandintoherarms.Onlythendidshelethershakinghandsfallawayfromthekeys.Sheliftedherfootfromthesustainpedal,dampeningtheresidualringingofthestrings.Thepainedstutteringofherheartfilledherears.
Thepianoneededtobetuned.
She’dworryaboutitlater.Thestoreswereopeningsoon,andshewantedtogoshopping.Forperfume.
???
TheshopwasclosedonSundays,butsomethingmadeMichaelgothereanyway.Heunlockedthefrontdoorandsteppedinside.Afterpassingbytheemptyfittingroom,heenteredtheworkareainback.There,hescannedthemechanizedrackwheretheyhungthedry-cleanedclothes,thewallsofmulticoloredthread,andthegreencommercialsewingmachines.
Thisplacewashismom’slivelihood,andshewasincrediblyproudtobetheownerofsuchathrivingbusiness.Ofalltheirextendedfamily,shewasoneofthemostsuccessful.Well,shewouldhavebeen,ifnotforhisdad.
ToMichael,thisplacewasaprison.Hedidn’twanttodotediousfittingsandalterationsanddrycleaning.Hewantedtocreatesomethingfromscratch.
Hewenttothebureauatthebackoftheroomandpulledoutthesmalldrawerhereservedforhissketchpads.Thebookontopfeltcoldandfamiliarunderthepadsofhisfingers,thepapersoft.Hesatatoneoftheworktablesandopenedthebooktoablankpage,sethispenciltipdown.
Usually,hestartedtheclothingdesignfirst,thecollarandshoulders,sometimesthewaistifthatwasthefocalpointofeverything.Thefacewasusuallyjustanimpression,aprofile,thecurveofajaw.Handsandlegswerequickpencilstrokes,justvagueideas.Today,hestartedwiththeface.Itwastheonlythinginhismind.
Thoseeyesandtheheavyfringeoflashes.Archingeyebrows.Thatnose.Thosekissablelips.Whenhefinished,Stellastaredathimfromthepage.He’dcapturedtheessenceofherperfectly.Hishandsknewhereveryline.
Herlikenesswasenoughtomakethebloodrushtohisthroat,andhedughisphoneoutofhispocketandcheckeditformessagesormissedcalls.
Nothing.Justliketheotherninety-ninetimeshe’dcheckedtoday.
She’dsaidshewouldstalkandcall,andhewasmessedupenoughtowantit.Ifobsessionwasallhecouldhavefromher,hewantedtheworks.Themoredrama,thebetter.Maybethey’dhavenochoicebuttogetbacktogether.
Thescreenonhisphoneblackedout,andcoldrealitysankintohim.Herobsessionhadn’tbeenstrongenoughtostandupinthefaceofhisfamily’scriminalpast,notontopofallhisotherdrawbacks.Itreallyhadbeenjustpracticeandsex.
Hisphonebuzzedwithanalertfromtheagencyapp.SomeonehadbookedhimforthisFriday.Forasecond,hethoughtitmightbeStella,andbrighthappinessfloodedhisbeing.Evenknowingeverythingabouthim,shestillwantedhim.Heclickedthroughthescreensonhisphoneasfastashecould,butwhentheapploaded,hesawitwassomeonenew.Hisstomachdropped.
There’dbeenatimewhenhe’dlikedthevarietyhisescortingassignmentsprovided.Now,hisbodycrawledwithrevulsionatthemereideaoftouchingsomeoneelse,letalonekissingorhavingsexwiththem.Hefelt…permanentlypair-bonded,likeagoddamnedswan.Onlytheswanhe’dchosenhadn’tpair-bondedbackwithhim.
Whywouldshehave?
Lookatallthepeoplehe’dfucked.Whathadheaccomplishedwithhislife?Whathadhereallydone?Alotofdrycleaning,thatwaswhat.Hewasnothing.Goodforatestdrive,butnottotakehome.Heshouldbeproudhe’dhelpedbolsterStella’sconfidenceandprovenhewasbetterthanhisdad,buthewasaselfishass,andallhewantedwasmoreofher.
Intheforeseeablefuture,she’dbepleasuringanotherman—thatshitPhilip—intheprecisewaythatdroveMichaeloutofhismind.Herhandswouldtouchanotherbody,hermouthwould—
Hecrammedhispalmsintohiseyesandbreathedawayhisgut-churningnausea.Ifshewasgoingtofuckotherpeople,hewould,too.He’dgorightnow.Hestartedtostand,butpaused.ItwasSundaymorning.Nottrollingtime.
Andhephysicallycouldnot.
Touchinganotherwomanrightnowwouldmakehimvomit.Orworse,crylikeababy.
Hewashavingahardenoughtimekeepingittogetherasitwas.Hiseyesburned,andhisthroatached,andhehurteverywhere.Nowomen.Notunlesstheyhadsoftbrowneyesandashysmileandlovedeconomicsandmadethesweetestbreathlesssoundswhentheykissedhimand—
Fuck.Enoughalready.HeclawedhisfingersthroughhishairandtriedtosqueezethoughtsofStellaoutofhishead.
Toughenupandsoldieron.
Buthewastiredofbeingtoughandsoldieringon.He’dbeendoingitforthreeendlessyears.Hewastrappedhere,trappedinhislife,trappedinnever-endingdebt.Trappedbylove.
Thatwashisproblem.Healwayslovedtoomuch.Ifhecouldjusttearhisheartoutandstopfeeling,hewouldbefree.Afrenziedkindofmadnessgrippedhimashestareddownathissketchpad.
Whisperingasilentapologyinhishead,herippedoutthepictureofStellaandtoreitstraightdownthemiddlebeforeshreddingit.Thepiecesfloatedtothegroundlikeleavesfromadyingtree.Thenheflippedtothefrontofthebook.Sun-saturatedmorningswithStellahadinspiredthewhiteandyellowdressonthepage.Itwashisabsolutefavorite.Hetoreitoutanddestroyedit.Andthenextdesign.Andthenext.Allofthem.Thenhewenttothebureauinback,grabbedallhissketchpads,andthrewtheminthetrash.Afterthat,heopenedthelargebottomdrawerwherehekepttheprojectshe’dbeenworkingoninsecret.Grittinghisteeth,herippedthefabricapart,seambyseam,garmentbygarment,dreambydream.
Whenhe’dfinallydestroyedeverythingthatcouldbedestroyed,hestaredatthecarnageonthefloorandspillingfromthegarbage.
Ithadworked.Hefeltnothingnow.
Hewalkedtothesewingmachineheusuallyused,satdown,andconsideredthepileofunfinishedclothesnexttoit.Afewpairsofpantsneededhemming,dressesneededtobetakenin,andajackethadatorninnerlining.Theywereallclothessomeoneelsehaddesigned.Someoneelse’svision.
Mightaswellfinishallofit.Maybehecouldgivehismommoretimeoffthisweek.
Hestartedtosew.{CHAP+ER}
26
Laterthatweek,SophiemannedtheshopandwatchedNgo?iwhileMichaeltookM?tothedoctorforhermonthlycheckupandbloodwork.Itwasashortdrive,butitfeltlikeforeverwithhismomcrossingherarmsandboringholesintothesideofhisheadwithhereyes.Hecrankedthemusicvolumeupandfocusedontheroad.
Sheturnedtheradiooff.“Ican’ttakeitanymore.Youwalkaroundalldaylikeacatwho’slosthismouse.Youdon’ttalk.Youscarethecustomers.Andyou’reworkinglikeyou’redying.Michael,tellM?what’sgoingon.”
Hetightenedhisgripontheleathersteeringwheel.“Nothing’sgoingon.”
“HowisStella?TellhertocomeonSaturday.Grapefruitwasonsale,sowehavealot.”
Hesaidnothing.
“M?isnotstupid,youknow.Didyoubreakupwiththesepeople’sdaughter?”
“Whyareyousosureitwasn’ttheotherwayaround?”Stellawouldhavedoneiteventually.Whenshedecidedshe’dpracticedenough.
“Clearasday,she’spassionateforyou.Shewouldneverdothat.”
Heclenchedhisjawagainstafreshsurgeofunwelcomefeeling.Stellahadlikedhimwellenough,buttheonlyplaceshe’dbeen“passionate”forhimhadbeeninbed.
“Imetherparents,M?.”
“Oh?Weretheynicepeople?”
“Herdaddidn’tthinkIwasgoodenough,”hesaidwithabittertwistofhislips.
“Ofcourse,hedidn’t.”
Michaelsnappedhisattentionfromtheroadtohismom’sprofile.“Whatdoyoumean‘ofcourse,hedidn’t?’”Hewasheronlyson.Shenevertalkedabouthimlikethis.
“You’retooproud,justlikeyourdad.Youhavetobeunderstanding.Heonlywantswhat’sbestforhisdaughter.She’shisonlychild,right?WhatdoyouthinkitwaslikewhenImarriedyourdad?”
“GrandmaandGrandpaloveyou.”
“Theydo.Now.Theydidn’tapproveofmeatfirst.WhywouldtheywanthimmarryingaVietnamesegirlwithonlyaneighth-gradeeducationwhobarelyspokeEnglish?Theyrefusedtocometotheweddinguntilyourdadthreatenedtocuttieswiththem.Ihadtoworktoconvincethem.Itdidn’thappenovernight.Butitwasworthit.”
“Ididn’tknowthat…”Itmadehimlookathisgrandparentsinanew,ratherunfavorablelight.
“Whenyoulovesomeone,Michael,youfightforthemineverywayyouknowhow.Ifyouputyourmindtoit,herdadwillcometolikeyou.Ifyoutreathisdaughterright,he’llloveyou.”
“Ithinkitwouldbeveryselfishofmetofightforher.Therearemenwhoarebettersuitedtoher.They’rericher,moreeducated,andmore…”Hiswordstrailedoffassheslowlyturnedtofacehim,hereyesnarrowedinaball-shrivelingstare.
“Yousoundjustlikeyourdad.Ifyoucan’tstandbeingwithawomanwho’smoresuccessfulthanyou,thenleaveheralone.She’sbetteroffwithoutyou.Ifyouactuallyloveher,thenknowthevalueofthatloveandmakeitapromise.Thatistheonlythingsheneedsfromyou.”
“YouthinkI’mlikeDad?YouthinkI’ddowhathedid?”Hismom’swordssubmergedhiminfrigidwaterandstoppedhislungs.Fuck,hisownmomthought—
“Youwouldneverdothat,”shesaidwithadismissivewaveofherhand.“Hehasnoheart.Youdo,anditsteersyouintherightdirection.Butyouthinkyouneedtobebestanddoeverythingyourself.Youandyourdadbothhavethatproblem.”
“No,Idon’t—”
“Thenwhyareyoustillworkingattheshop?Andwhydidyoudoallmysewing?Youthinkthisoldwomancan’tsewastraightline?”sheaskedinexasperation.
“No,I—”
“Ican’tstayathomeanymore.IknowI’mnotasfastasIwas,butIdoagoodjob.I’mfeelingbetter.Thedrugsareworking.Youkidshavetostoptrappingmeinthehouse,andyou,Michael,youhavetostopcomingtotheshop.Idon’twantyouthereanymore,especiallyinthisblackmood.You’rebadforbusiness.”
“M?,Ican’tleaveyoualone,andyouwon’tletanyonewho’snotfamilyworkwithyou.”Itwasaninescapabletruthhe’dhadtocometogripswith,onebarofthecagehevoluntarilylivedinside.Becausehelovedher.
“Youthinkyou’retheonlyoneinthefamilywhoknowshowtosew?Howmanycousinsdoyouhave?WhataboutQuan?HecametotheshoponSaturdaytousethemachinetofixhisjacketzipper.Heknewwhathewasdoing,andhedoesn’tlikeworkingforhismom.Sheyellstoomuch.”
Michaelflinchedbackinhisseatashisbrainscrambledtounderstandwhatshe’dsaid.“You’dlethimworkinfront?Withallthosetattoos?”
ShepointedatMichael’sarmwhereblackinkpeekedoutfromunderneaththesleeveofhisT-shirt.“Youhaveit,too.Don’tthinkIdidn’tnotice.Ihavenoideawhyyouyoungpeopledothattoyourselves.”
Hedroppedhislefthandawayfromthesteeringwheelsohisarmloweredoutofview.“Girlslikeit.”
“MyStellalikesthat?”
“Well,yeah.”She’dkissedthedragonsomanytimesitprobablymissedherasmuchashedidbynow.ItoccurredtohimPhilipJameswasprobablybareasababyunderhisclothes.Asatisfiedsmilespreadoverhislips.
AndsincewhenhadhismomstartedcallingStellahers?
“She’snotasinnocentasyouthink,”headded,tryingtomitigatehismom’seventualdisappointment.
Sheslantedhimanareyoukiddingme?lookbeforefocusingonthebuildingspassingby.“Likeagirlwouldstayinnocentlongwithmyson.Besides,everymotherwantsadaughter-in-lawwhocangetdowntobusiness.Iwanttoholdbabiesagain.”
Michaelchokedandcoughed.
“Don’tmisstheturn.”ShepointedtothefrontdriveofthePaloAltoMedicalFoundation.
Hedroppedheroffatthedoorandwenttoparkintheundergroundparkingstructure.Hismindwasamessofloudthoughtsashelefttheelevatorandwenttolookforherinthewaitingareaoutsidetheoncologysuite.
Hismomsaidhisheartsteeredhimintherightdirection,andshedidn’tthinkhe’deverdowhathisdadhad.ShewantedhimtofightforStella.Shethoughtlovewasenough.
Butlovewasn’tenoughifitwasonlyone-sided.
Hisfavoritereceptionist,Janelle,flaggedhimdown.“Shealreadywentin.Beforeyougolookingforher,Ineedyoursignatureonsomepaperworkoverhere.”
Hestrodeuptothereceptiondeskwithafeelingofdread.Inhisexperience,paperworkwasnotagoodthing.Billswerepaper.
“Sinceyouhavepowerofattorney,yousignhereandhere,”Janellesaid.
Hefrowneddownatthepapers.Theydidn’tlooklikeregularmedicalpaperworkatall.“Whatarethesefor?”
“Thefoundationhasrecentlystartedanewprogramthatprovidesassistanceforhouseholdswithinsufficientinsurancecoveragewhohaven’tbeenapprovedforfederalorstateassistanceforvariousreasons.Yourmomwasoneoftheluckyfewwhowereapprovedforfullaidfromhereonout.That’sgottobearelief,huh?”
Michaelsnatchedupthepapersandstartedreadingthefineprintasfastashecould.Themoreheread,themorestunnedhebecame.Hisskintingledwithdisbelief.“Isthisreallyreal?It’sallcovered?”
“Thisistherealdeal.Justsignthepapers,Michaelhoney.”Janelle’seyeswerewarmandunderstanding,andMichaeldidn’tknowhowtoreact.Thiswastoogoodtobetrue.
Nomoremedicalbills.Nomorebills.Nobills.Wasthatpossible?Michaeldidn’thavethiskindofluck.Badthingshappenedtohim.Lifeforhimwasseeinghowhecouldhandlethepunchesandkeepgoing.Thishadtobeascam
“Howwereweselected?”Healmostcouldn’thearhimselfspeakthroughthedesperatecacophonyofhisheart.
Janelleshookherheadwithasmile.“I’mnotfamiliarwiththeselectionprocess,buttheprogramhasmadeseveralfamiliesreallyhappytoday.Believeit,honey.It’sallofficial,andit’shappening.”Shesqueezedhishandbeforehandinghimapenwithaplasticdaisytapedtotheend.
Hereadovertheprintonemoretime,pickingupphraseslikerecognitionoffinancialhardshipandfullmedicalcoverage.Therewerenoredflags,norequestsforpayment,nocontingencies,noconfusingclauses.Thiswaslegit.Hisguttoldhimitwaslegit.Thetipofthepenrestedinsideayellowhighlightedareainthedocument.
“Howisthisprogramfunded?”heasked.
“Privatefunding.Youknowthisareaandallthelargephilanthropicorganizations.Goonandsignitalready.You’remakingmenervous.”
Hisheartslowed,hishandssteadied,andhescrawledhissignatureonthehighlightedlinesofpageafterpageoflegalverbiage.
Shegatheredthepaperstogether,filledasmallpapercupwithwaterfrominsideheroffice,andhandedittohim.“Drinkthis.You’relookingfaint.Goonbacknowandbreakthenewstoyourmom.She’sinherregularexamroom.”
Hetossedthewaterbackandmarchedintothesuiteofexamrooms,goingstraighttothesecondroomfromtheend.HismomwasstretchedoutontheexamtablewithwiressneakingoutfromunderneathhersweatertolinktoanEKG.Anurseprintedreadoutsfromthemachineandmadenotesonhisclipboardbeforehehelpedhismompeelthesensorsoffherchest.
“How’severythinglooking?”Michaelaskedashesatdown.
“I’llletthedoctortellyouwhenshecomesin.”Thenursesmiled,gathereduphispapersandmachinery,andlefttheroom.
“It’sgoingtobegoodnews.”Hismomstraightenedthelilaccashmeresweaterthatactuallymatchedwithherpants—plainwhite—foronce.“M?feelsgood.”
Thisseemedliketoomuchgoodnewsforoneday,buttherewascolorinhercheeks,andthesmudgesunderhereyesweren’taspronounced.
“Haveyougainedmoreweight?”heasked.
“Threepounds.”
ThatloosenedsomeofthetensioninMichael’sbody.“That’sgreat.”
“StopworryingandtrustM?.”
Aknocksoundedonthedoor,andhismom’sdoctorsteppedinside,acurvaceouswomanwithsandyshoulder-lengthhairandademeanorthatinstantlyputpeopleatease.
“Soit’sgoodnews.IknowI’veshockedyouagain,Michael.Yourmomisdoingreallywell,”shesaidwithalaughbeforeherfocusreturnedtohismom.“Yourlastscanswerestable,andwe’regoingtostartspreadingthemoutevenfurther.We’llkeepyourcurrentdosagesthesameanddobloodworkeverymonth.Ofcourse,ifanythingchanges,wewanttoseeyourightaway,butIdon’tthinkthat’slikely.”
“Tellmysonit’sokayifIworkmore.Heandhissistersaretryingtotrapmeathome.”
Dr.Henniganeyedhimwithanunderstandingsmile.“Ifshewantstowork,letherwork,Michael.It’shealthytostayactive—bothphysicallyandmentally.”
Michaelcrossedhisarms.“Maybeinsteadofworking,sheshouldstartdating.”
“Ohnonononono.Nomoremenforme.”Hismommadeemphaticmotionswithherhandsandshookherhead.“I’mdone.”
Thedoctor’seyebrowsroseinaconsideringway.“He’sright.Youcouldstartdating,Anh.Mightbefun.”
Hismomsenthimawitheringglance,andhecouldn’thelpbutlaugh.
Theylefttheexamroomshortlythereafterandwalkedbythereceptiondesk.Janellegrinnedwarmly,andhismomgaveheradistractedwave
“Issheinshock?”Janelleasked.
Hismomfrowned.“Hewantsmetogetaboyfriend.Me.I’malmostsixty.”
Janellenoddedsagely.“It’snevertoolatefortruelove.”
“Bah.Ijustwanttowork.Moneyisbetterthanmen.IwantaHermèshandbag.”
“Well,maybeyoucanafforditnow,”Janellesaidwithawidegrin.
Michaelusheredhismomoutoftheofficebeforetheycouldgointowhyshecouldaffordit.Astheygotintohiscarandpulledoutoftheparkingstructureintothesun,hewishedhecouldtellherabouttheprogram,butthenhe’dhavetocomecleanaboutallthelieshe’dtoldherregardingherexcellentbutnonexistenthealthinsuranceandhow
TheonlyonewhowouldunderstandwasStella,butshewasgone.No,he’dhavetokeepthistohimself.
???
Stellarestedherforeheadinherpalmandmethodicallywentovertheattributesinherselfsheassociatedwithherdisorder:hersensitivitiestosound,smell,andtexture;herneedforroutine;herawkwardnessinsocialsituations;andhertendencytowardobsession.
Overthelastweek,she’dtackledallofthembutthelasttwo.Shedidn’tknowhowtotacklethose.Shecouldlistentoawfulmusicassheworked,wearperfume,takekitchenshearstotheFrenchseamsofhershirts,anddestroyherroutines,butshecouldn’tsuddenlytalktopeoplewithease,andshecouldn’tnotbeobsessedwithsomethingsheloved.
Hermindspunaroundandaroundincircles,tryingtofigureouthowtosolvetheproblem.Whileshewasn’tgreatattalking,shehadmademarkedimprovementovertheyears.Ifshefocusedandwatchedwhatshesaid,shewasabletointeractwithpeoplewithoutmakingthemuncomfortable—mostly.Thatleftobsession.
Howdidonenotobsessoversomethingwonderful?Howdidonelikesomethingareasonableamount?Ifshewasbeingrealisticwithherself,shehadtoadmitthissimplywasn’tapossibilityforher.Shecouldn’tlikesomethinghalfway.She’dtriedthatwithMichaelandfailedmiserably.Didthatmeanshehadtoabstaincompletelyfromthingssheenjoyed?
Shesupposedshecouldgiveuppiano,martialartsmovies,andAsiandramas.Butwhatabouthergreatestpassion?
Econometrics?
Givingthatupwouldbethebiggestsignofhercommitment.Herworkwassuchapivotalpartofherlifethatifsheresigned,everythingwouldchange.Shereallywouldbeanewperson.
Shesetherglassesonherdeskandcoveredhereyeswithherpalm,givinguponthedataonthescreen.Hermindwassimplytoooverwroughttofocus.Ifshecouldn’tdoherwork,maybesheshouldresign.
Maybesheshoulddevoteherselftosomethingwithmoreconcretebenefitstosociety.Likethemedicalfield.Shecouldbeadoctorifshetriedhardenough.Shedidn’tlovephysiologyandchemistry,butwhatdidthatmatter?Mostdoctorsprobablyfocusedontheendresultsoftheirlaborinsteadofthedailyrealityoftheirwork.Truthbetold,itwasbetteriftheworkboredher.Shewouldn’tobsessoveritthen.
Thatwasit.Shehadtoquitherjob.
Withstifffingersandfeverishdetermination,shebegandraftingaletterofresignationtoherboss.
DearAlbert,
Thankyouforthepastfiveyears.Beingapartofyourteamwasaninvaluableexperiencetome.Icherishedtheopportunitynotonlytostudyfascinating,realmarketdatabuttoeffectmeasurablechangeintheeconomythroughtheapplicationofeconometricprinciples.However,Imustleavebecause
Becausewhat?Albertwouldnotunderstandanyofthereasoningfillingherbrainrightnow.Hewasaneconomist.Allhecaredaboutwaseconomics.
Ifshetoldhimshewasautistic,hewouldn’tcare.Itdidn’timpacthereffectivenessasaneconometricianinanegativeway.Ifanything,herobsessivetendencytohyperfocusforlongperiodsoftime,herloveofroutinesandpatterns,andherextremelylogicalmindthatcouldn’tcomprehendcasualconversationmadeherastrongereconometrician.
Itwasashamethosesamethingsmadeherunlovable.
Adiscreetknockingsoundedagainstthedoor,andshecheckedtheclockbeforeturningaroundtoseeJaniewalkintoheroffice.Rightonschedule.Shehurriedtominimizetheletterofresignationandstooduptofaceherinternshipcandidate.
Janiesmiled,andthoughherlipstrembledwithnervousness,theactionstillremindedStellasomuchofMichaelthatherheartsqueezed.
Belatedly,sheshookJanie’shand.“I’msogladtoseeyou.Please,haveaseat.”
Janiebrushedherhandsoverherblackskirtsuitandsat.Shetappedhertoesforseveralsecondsbeforeshecrossedherankles.“Goodtoseeyou,too,Stella.”
Intheawkwardsilencethatensued,Stellaabsentlyscratchedherneck.Theopenedseamsofhershirtfeltlikelinesofantscrawlingonherskin.
“Howareyou?”sheasked,tryingtodistractherselffromtheitching.
“Me?Er,I’mfine.”Janieworeherlonghairloosetoday,andshetuckedadarkbrowntendrilbehindherearasshelookeddownatherleatherportfolioonStella’sdesk.“Michaelisnotfine.”
Stella’schesttightened,andtheskinonherfaceprickled.“Ohno,why?Whathappened?Isyourmomokay?”
“Mymomisfine.Don’tworry,”Janiesaid,makingcalminggestureswithherhands.“Well,she’supsetwithMichael.Shewantshimtoquitcomingtotheshop,buthewon’t.Ontopofthat,he’sbeenintolerablygrouchylately,andhe’sworkingnonstop.It’slikehe’spossessed.We’reallworriedandannoyed.”
“Idon’t—Idon’tunderstandwhyheshouldbeunhappy.”Hecouldn’tpossiblybeunhappyforthesamereasonshewas.Hopelessnessmixedwiththeabrasionofopenseamsonherskin,makingherwanttotearhershirtoffandscream
“It’syou.Hemissesyou.”
Sheshookherhead.Thatwasimpossible.Hearingherdeepestdesiresaidoutloudfilledherwithbitternessthatvergedonanger.“Howaboutwegetthisinterviewstarted?”Shegatheredupthecasestudydocumentsshe’dpreparedandhandedthemtoJanie.
Insteadoflookingatthem,Janiesetthepapersontopofherportfolio.“Whydidyoutwobreakup?”
Becausethey’dneverreallybeentogethertostartwith.Becauseshe’donlyeverbeenacharitycasetohim.
Stellabusiedherselfdiggingthroughherfiledrawerashereyesglassedover.Afterseveralprecariousmomentsoffuriousblinking,thedangeroftearspassed.Sheswallowed,clearedherthroat,andsaid,“That’snotrelevantforthisinterview.I’llgiveyoufiveminutestoreadthecasestudyandthenwecantalkaboutit.”
“Ithinkyoutwoneedtotalk.”
“Wehadalengthytalk.”OneStelladidn’twanttogothroughagain.Ifsheheardhimsayshewasn’tenoughagain,she’dloseit.
“Well,”Janiesaid.“Beingapartclearlyisn’tworkingforeitherofyou.Youneedtotalkagain.”
Stellarubbedhertemple,caughtaconcentratedwhiffoftheperfumeshe’dsprayedonherwrist,andfeltherlunchcrawlupherthroat.Sheyankedherhandawayfromherfaceandbreathedthroughhermouth.“Ican’t.”
“Comeon,Stella.Iknowheprobablyscrewedupsomehow,butgivehimanotherchance.He’scrazyaboutyou.”
“Itwasn’tMichaelwhoscrewedup.Itwasme.”She’dscrewedupbybeingherself.
“Ihaveahardtimebelievingthat.Michaelisreallybadatrelationships.Hehasissues.”
ThatgaveStellapause.Shewastheonewiththeissues.Wasn’tshe?“Whatkindofissues?”
“Areyoukiddingme?Hehasn’ttoldyouthisstuff?”Janielookedupattheceiling,mutteringtoherselfbeforeshesaid,“Mydadmadehimfeellikecrapforturningdownalltheengineeringschoolshegotinto.HesaidMichaelwouldamounttonothing,saidhe’dbepoorandhe’dhavetoearnalivingoffhisprettyfacebecausehewasgoodfornothingelse.HecutMichaeloffandmadehimpayforhisfashiondegreehimself.Michaelissupertalented,andheactsconfident.Butyou’rethefirstgirlhe’sdatedwhoisactuallygoodenoughforhim.”
AfterStellaabsorbedthatinformationandsetitasideforlaterconsideration,sheforcedherlipsintoasmile.“That’sareallynicethingtosay.Iappreciateit.”
“OhmyGod,you,too?Clearly,youguysaremadeforeachother.Well,myreasonforcomingherewasanentireflop,then.I’llheadout.”Janiepreparedtogetup.
“Youdon’twanttointerview?”
Janietuckedherhairbehindherearagain.“Isn’titnepotismsinceweknoweachother?”
Stellasmiled.“You’llbespeakingwithsixofus,andthedecisiontohireyouhastobeunanimous.Ithinkthatshouldeliminateyourconcernsregardingfairness.Also,evenifwedon’thireyou,Ithinkyou’lllearnsomethingfromtheinterviewingprocess.Therearesomereallybrilliantpeoplehere.Takesometimetoreadthecasestudy,won’tyou?”
“Allright.”Janiehunkereddownoverthepapers,readingwithanintentexpressionthatremindedStellaverymuchofMichael.
Astheinterviewprogressed,Janienailedquestionafterquestion,evendisplayingunique,out-of-the-boxthinkingthatwouldaidherinthefuture.Thoughshe’dstumbledduringherfreshmanyear,itwasclearshe’dbrushedherselfoffandhitthegroundrunning.
“Onelastquestion,”Stellasaid.“Tellmewhyyouchosetopursueacareerineconomicsandmathasopposedtootherfields.”
Janie’seyessparkedassheleanedforward.“That’seasy.Mathisthesinglemostelegantthingintheuniverse,andeconomicsiswhatdrivesthehumanworld.Ifyouwanttounderstandpeopleinasophisticatedmanner,Ibelieveeconomicsistheway.”
“Butwhydoyouwanttounderstandpeoplebetter?Youhavealargefamilyand,Iassume,lotsoffriends.”
“Idohavelotsoffriendsandfamily.”Janieshrugged.“Butthey’rejustasmallsubsetofsociety,notentiremarketsornations.And,frankly,they’renotthatinteresting.Theydon’tfascinateme.Theydon’tmaketheworldfallaway.Iwoulddieforthem,butIcan’tliveforthem.Icanliveforeconomics.It’smycalling,justlikeit’syours.”
Watery-eyedandemotionalforreasonsshedidn’tunderstand,StellagotupandshookJanie’shand.“Ithinkeveryonehereisgoingtolikeyouquiteabit.”
Janiegrinned,andStellawalkedhertothenextinterviewandwishedherluck.Whenshereturnedtoheroffice,shestaredatthelast,unfinishedsentenceinherletterofresignation:However,Imustleavebecause
Whywasshethinkingofgivingupherlife’scalling?
BecauseofMichael.Becauseofaman.
Sheswipedhernailsthroughherhair,tearingstrandsfromthetie.Therewasnopointinworkingtosnareamanwhodidn’tloveherasshewas.Noonebenefitedfromthat,leastofallher.Itwasn’tfair,anditwasn’thonest.Itwasn’ther.
Thiscrusadetofixherselfwasendingrightnow.Shewasn’tbroken.Shesawandinteractedwiththeworldinadifferentway,butthatwasher.Shecouldchangeheractions,changeherwords,changeherappearance,butshecouldn’tchangetherootofherself.Athercore,shewouldalwaysbeautistic.Peoplecalleditadisorder,butitdidn’tfeellikeone.Toher,itwassimplythewayshewas.
ShehadtoacceptthefactthatsheandMichaelsimplydidn’tfit.Sawingawayatherselftoforceamatchwaspurefoolishness.Quittingherjobwaspurefoolishness,andshewasn’tgoingtodoit.Settingherjaw,sheclosedtheletterofresignationwithoutsavingit.
Shegatheredherthingsandpreparedtoleaveearly.Sheneededtogetoutofthisruinedshirtandwashtheperfumeoff.Herbehaviorofthepastweekdisgustedher.
Yes,shewaslonely.Yes,shehadabrokenheart.Butatleastshehadherself{CHAP+ER}
27
Asoftdingsounded,alertingMichaelthatthefrontdooroftheshophadopened.HelookedupfromhissewingintimetoseeJanieexplodeintotheworkroom.
“Igotanoffer.”
Hesethissewingaside.“Hey,that’sgreat.”
Hismomsquealedandrantohugher.“M?issoproud.Goodjob.”
“Ididn’tevenknowyouwereinterviewing,”Michaelsaid.“Whatcompanyisit?”
AcombativeglintshinedinJanie’seyesashismompattedherheadandreturnedtohersewingmachine.“Stella’scompany.AdvancedEconomicAnalytics.”
Silenceroaredinhisears.“What?”
“Iaskedhertohelpmefindaninternship,andshedid.Istartworkinacoupleweeks.I’msoexcited.”Janiedancedinplace,hersmilegoingfromeartoear.
“Shegotyouajob?”Hehadtohavemisheard.Stellawouldn’thavegottenhissisterajob.
“YounevertoldmesheworksforAEA.EvenmyprofessorsareenviousI’minterningthere.Whentheylikeyou,theyfundyourresearchingradschoolandpostdoc.I’vegotitmade—ifIdon’tmessthisup.”
“Youneedtocallherandthankher,Michael,”hismomsaidinaserioustone.“Thisisabigthingshedid.”
Didpeopledothatwhentheirexesgotjobsfortheirsiblings?Waitasecond.Howcouldtherebeaprecedent?Exesdidn’tdothat.OnlyStella.Howwashesupposedtostoplovingherwhenshedidthingslikethis?
Janiepuffedoutherchestandblewonherfingernails.“Inmydefense,Ikilledthoseinterviews.Ispoketoallsixoftheirsenioreconometricians,andtheyhavetodecideunanimouslywhentheymakeanoffer.”
HerealizedthenthatJaniehadseenStella.Recently.Hisheartbeatspedup.Hehadtoknow.
“Howwasshe?”
Withthatquestion,Janie’seyeshardened.“She’sfine.Shelooksreallygood,actually.”
“That’s…good.”Itdidn’tfeelgood,though.Itfeltshitty.Heshouldbehappyshewasdoingwell,buthewasn’t.Hewantedhertobesadwithouthim,assadashewaswithouther.
She’dreallymovedon.Fuck,aknifeintheribswouldbebetterthanthis.
“That’sright.Itisgood,”Janiesaid.
HismomsentJanieanadmonishinglook,butJaniemerelycrossedherarmsandjuttedherchinout.
Michaelpushedawayfromhissewingmachine.“Sinceyou’rehere,I’mgoingtotakeoffearly.”
Hegotintohiscarwithoutadestinationinmind.Allheknewwasheneededtoleavetheshop.
Janiewouldbestartingherfirstjobsoon.Hismom’shealthwasgoodenoughforhertostartdating.Stellawasmovingon.
Everyonewasmovingforwardwiththeirlivesbuthim.
Whatwasstoppinghim?Thebillsweregone,andhedidn’tneedtoescortanymore.Hismomwantedhimtostopworkingintheshop.Allthebarsofhiscageweregone,buthewasstillsittinginhisoldplace,afraidtomove.
Maybeitwastimeforhimtochangethat.
HepulledhiscarintotheparkinglotoutsideaVietnameserestaurantinMilpitasthatspecializedinnoodledishes.Bellsonthedoorjingledashesteppedinside.Quancleareddirtyeatwareintoplasticbinsonarollercartandwipeddownthetabletopswithawettowel.Thelunchcrowdhadleft,andhewastheonlyoneinthefrontofhisparents’restaurant—asidefromtheassortmentoffreshwaterfishthatlivedinthetankcoveringtheentirebackwalloftheplace.
HeglancedupatMichael,pausedasecond,andsaid,“Youlooklikeshit.”
Michaelrubbedatthebackofhisneck.“Haven’tbeensleepingmuch.”AftersharingabedwithStellaforsolong,hewashavingtroubletransitioningbacktosolitarysleeping.Whenhedidmanagetofallasleep,hedreamedofher.Andcamealloverhissheets.Thatremindedhimhehadtodohisgoddamnedlaundry.Again.
“Barelyseenyoulately.How’sitgoingwithyourgirl?”
Michaelstuffedhishandsinhispockets.“Webrokeup.”
Quan’stattooedarmfrozeinmidswipealongthetabletop.“Why?”
“Wasn’tworking.”
“Whythefucknot?”
“Look,Icametoaskforyourhelpwithsomethingelse.”
Quan’seyebrowsshotup.“Sothisiswhyyoulooklikeshit.Whatdidyoudothatshebrokeupwithyourass?Didyoutry,youknow,sayingsorry?Gettingflowers?Stuffedbears?Chocolate?Chicksdigthosethings.Ishouldn’thavetotellyouthis.”
“Iwastheonewhoendedit.”
Quantossedhiscleaningtowelonthetable.“Whatthehell,man.Why?”
Michaelrakedahandthroughhishair,grimacingastheknifeinhisribstwisted.Becausehewasn’tgoodenoughforher.Andevenifhecouldgetgoodenoughforher,shewasn’tintohim,anyway.She’dmovedon.
AtightbreathpunchedfromQuan’slipsashewatchedMichael’sreaction.“Well,whatdidyouneedhelpwith?Areyoufinallythinkingofgettingabike?”
“No,nobike.I’m…lookingformyreplacementatthetailorshop.”Sayingthewordsoutloudmadehimsweat.
“Andyou’retellingmebecause…?”
“Youcansew,and…”Michaelsnuckaglanceattheswingingdoorleadingtothekitchenandloweredhisvoicetosay,“Youhateworkingforyourmom,butyougetalongwithmine.Mostimportantly,Itrustyou.Ican’tgoifmymom’snotingoodhands.”
“Whatareyouplanningtodo?AreyoumovingbacktoNewYork?”
“No,I’mstayinghere—IneedtostaycloseevenifI’mnotthere,youknow?I’mthinkingofstartingmyownline.”
Ithadbeenhisdreamsinceforever,buthe’dbeenforcedtoputitoff.Allthistime,theideasandtheconceptshadgrowninhishead,gettingbiggerandhardertosuppress,butnow…
“Abouttime.”Quanpunchedhimintheshoulderashegrinned.
“Sowillyoudoit?Willyouworkattheshop?”
Quangavehimafunnylookbeforesaying,“Icoulddoitshorttermifyouneededit,butnotpermanently.Alterationsboretheshitoutofme.Yenislookingforwork,though,andshelikessewing.Aslongasshecanbringthebabyin,thatshouldworkoutforeveryone.”
Michaelfeltastrangelightnesstakeoverhisbody.“Thatsoundsperfect.”
“Youshouldhaveaskedalotearlier.There’salwayssomeoneinourfamilywho’soutofwork.Noonecouldunderstandwhyyoustayedattheshopthislong.It’sprettyobviousyouhateit.You’renotalone,youknow.Family’sgotyourback.”
AsMichaelsearchedhiscousin’searnestface,herealizedhe’dneveronceconsideredaskingforhelpbeforenow.Theentireproblemwithhisparentsandhismom’shealthhadbeenhisownpersonalcrosstobear.Whyhadhethoughtthat?Becausehewasguiltyoverleavinginthefirstplace?Maybehe’dfeltheneededtoatoneforhisselfishness.Andmaybe,likehisdad,hewastooproud.
“You’reright.Ishouldhaveaskedearlier.”Ideasarrangedthemselvesinhishead,andhesaid,“Icoulduseyourhelpnowwithmyline,actually.I’madesigner,notabusinessperson,andIknowyou’regettingthatMBA…”
Quancrossedhisarmsoverhischestwithaseriouslook.“AreyouaskingifIwannagointobusinesswithyou?”
Michaelreturnedhiscousin’sseriousgaze.“Yeah.IthinkIam.Fifty-fifty.”
Quancontinuedwipingdownthetables.“Igottathinkaboutit.”
“Sure,yeah.I’llsendyoumydesigns.”
“Youdon’tneedtodothat,”Quansaidashefocusedonhiswork.
“Oh,okay.”Michaeltookahesitantstepback.Maybeheshouldn’thaveasked,then.They’dspokenaboutpartneringupinthepast,butmaybeithadjustbeentalk.
Quanglancedupathimwithanimpatientlook.“Iknowwhatyoucando,Michael.”
Michaelreleasedapent-upbreath,andhewentfromworryingthathiscousinhadtoolittlefaithinhimtoworryinghehadtoomuch.“Ofcourse,we’ddrawupofficialcontractsandstuffandarrangeitsoIcan’tscrewyouoverlikemydaddidtomymom.”
Quanrolledhiseyesashestraightened.“Howaboutjustahandshake?”Heheldhishandout.
Michael’sattentionswitchedfromhiscousin’shandtohisfaceseveraltimes.“What’sthatfor?Youdecided?Justlikethat?Ithasn’tevenbeentwominutes.”
“Youwannadothisornot?”
AsMichaelclaspedhiscousin’shandinafirmgrip,hecouldn’tstopagrinfromtakingoverhisface.Itlookedlikeeveryonetrustedhimbuthim.“Yeah,let’sdoit.Fifty-fifty.”
Insteadoflettinggo,QuanpulledMichaelcloseforahard,one-armedhug.“You’resuchashit,youknowthat?Beenwaitingforyoutoaskme.Tookyoulongenough.”
???
StellastoppedoutsidePhilip’soffice,tookabreath,andknockedonthedoor.Heturnedawayfromhiscomputerscreens.Assoonasherecognizedherontheothersideoftheglasswindow,hecametoopenthedoor.
“Hi,Stella.”Hesmiled,buthiseyeswereguarded.
“I’monmywayout.Wanttogetdinnerwithme?”ThelastthingshewantedtodorightnowwasspendtimewithPhilip,butshe’dtoldherparentsshe’dconsiderhim,andshetookherpromisesseriously.Herparentsbothlikedhim.Maybeshecouldbringherselftolikehim,aswell.Also,shewasonehundredpercentcertainhewasnotthekindofguytobewithheroutofpity.Thatwasimportant.
“I’dloveto.”ThewattageonPhilip’ssmileincreasedtoblindinglevels.“Justgivemeasecondtosavemywork.”
Astheytraveleddownthewell-litsidewalkstowardthedowntownrestaurants,Philipsettledhishandatthebaseofherspine.Shedidherbesttoignoreit,butafteraminuteortwo,sheputdistancebetweenthem.
Sheclenchedherfingersaroundherpursestraps.“I’mnotreadyforthat.”
Helethishanddroptohisside.“Stillhunguponhim,Isee.”
“I’mworkingonit.”She’dgivenherhousekeeperpermissiontowashthesheetsthisweek.NomoreMichaelsmell.
“Hesleptwithmymom,Stella.Thatshouldhelpyougetoverhimfaster.”
Shestaredathisbitterprofile.“YousleptwithHeidi.”
“Heidiisn’t…old.”
“Neitherisyourmom.”
Herolledhiseyes.
“Ifyouhitonournewintern,I’mgoingtobeveryunhappywithyou.She’spracticallyababy.She’sMichael’ssister,bytheway.”
“ThathottieJanieishissister?”
“Shewasthebestcandidate.”
“Shewas,”headmittedgrudgingly.“Shehadastrongunderstandingofregressionanalysisandstatistics.Ican’tbelieveshe’shissister.”
Whentheyseatedthemselvesintherestaurant,hewasstillmutteringaboutJanieunderhisbreath.
“It’sonlybeenthreeyearssinceshewasinhighschool,Philip.”
“So?”
Shereleasedanexasperatedbreath.Insteadofbringinguphowhypocriticalhewas,shesaid,“Let’stalkabouthobbies.Doyouhaveany?Whatarethey?”
Thatlightenedhismoodimmediately.“I’mprettyseriousaboutgolf.I’mnotbad,either.AndIlikegoingtothegym.”
Hesippedfromhiswaterglass,andhisgazesweptovertheposhinterioroftherestaurant.
Stellawaitedforhimtoaskabouther.Hetappedhisfingersonthetableintimetotheclassicalguitarmusicplayinginthebackground.Hetookanotherdrinkofwater.
“Ialternatebetweenlapswimmingandrunningeveryday,”headded.
“Nomartialarts?”
“Eh.Itookafencingclassincollege,butitseemssillyinthisdayandage.”
ThatmeantMichaelwouldprobablytrouncehiminamatch.She’dkindofenjoyseeingthat.
“Ilikemartialartsmovies,”shesaid.
“That’ssounlikeyou.I’mmoreofadocumentaryperson,myself.”
AsPhilipdronedonaboutthelatestdocumentaryhe’dseen,Stella’smindwandered.Shefoundherselfreimaginingthenightofthebenefitdinner.Inherfantasyversionofthatnight,Michaeldidn’tbreakupwithher.Instead,hedeclaredhimselfhelplesslyinlovewithher.Enragedbeyondallreason,Philipchallengedhimtoaduel,andthemenfacedoffoutsidenexttothepool.Becausetheydidn’thaveswordsonhand,theyusedgolfclubs.
Whenshesmiledatherfancifulthoughts,Philipinterpretedthatasencouragement,andhegrewmoreanimatedashespokeofhisfascinationwithexposésandpoliticalcommentary.
Stellawonderedwhatamatchbetweenakendoartistandfencerwouldlooklike.Itwouldprobablybeprettyfunnyiftheywereusingironsandputters—assumingtheyhadenoughcontrolnottobludgeoneachothertodeath.TheyreallyneededascenelikethisinaK-drama.She’dwatchitoverandover.
Theherodidn’tevenhavetowin.Allhehadtodotogetthegirlwasfightforher.Ifhelost,she’dkisshimbetter.
Whentheysteppedoutoftherestaurantontothecrowdedsidewalk,Philipsmiledatherandcapturedoneofherhands.“Ithinkwegetalongreallywell,Stella.Weshoulddothisagain.”
Thenheleaneddowntokissher.
???
AsMichaelwalkedwithQuantowardhisfavoriteKoreanBBQrestaurantonUniversityAvenue,hecouldn’thelpscanningthesidewalksforglimpsesofStella.Herhousewasonlyblocksaway.Whileitwasunlikelyshe’dbeoutdoinglate-nightshopping,itwaspossible.
Evenso,hewasunpreparedwhenhesawherstandingoutsideaMediterraneanrestaurantacrossthestreet.Herhairwasupinitsusualbun,herglasseswereinplace,andsheworeherregularoxfordshirt,pencilskirt,andpointedpumps.HisStella,hisbrainy,sweet—
WasthatPhilipJames?Washeabouttokissher?
Michaelsawred.
Hismusclestensed,andhelunged.Quan’sfirmgriponhisarmsdrewhimupshort.
“Easy,man.”
BeforePhilip’slipscouldtouchhers,Stellaturnedherfaceawayandtookastepback.Shepulledherhandoutofhisgrasp,sayingwordsthatcouldn’tbeheardfromthisdistancebutwereclearlyrejection.
Insteadoftakingitlikeaman,Philipadvancedtowardherwithapredatoryglintinhiseyes.
“Okay,he’saskingforit,”Quansaid.
Quanlethimgo,andMichaelcrossedthestreetwithoutconsciouslytakingasinglestep.Iftherewerecarsintheway,hedidn’tnoticethem.Heplowedstraightthroughthemforallheknew.BeforethebastardcouldtouchhisdirtylipstoStella’sside-turnedface,MichaelyankedhimawayandslammedhisknucklesintoPhilip’seye.
AsPhilipstaggeredback,MichaeldrewastunnedStellaintohisarms.Beneaththeangrysurgingofhisheart,asenseofrightnesssettledinplace.Thefeelofher,thesmellofher,his
“Areyouokay?”hewhispered.
Sheblinkedathiminbemusement.“Didyoureallyjustpunchhimintheeye?”
“Thatlittleshitwasabouttoforcehimselfonyou.Again.Nooneforcesyou.Ever.”
PhiliploweredthehandfromhisquicklyswellingeyetostabafingerinMichael’sdirection.“We’reonadate.Therewasnoforcinginvolved.”
StellapushedawayfromMichaelandadjustedthepursestrapsonhershoulder.“I’mgoinghomenow.Alone.Goodnight.”
“Stella,wait.”Philiptriedtofollowher,butMichaelsteppedinhisway.
“Youheardher.She’sgoinghomealone.”
WhenPhiliplookedlikehemightpresstheissue,QuancameupbesideMichael.Hishandshunglooseathissides,buthewaspoisedforviolence,hiseyescold.“Dowehaveaproblemhere?”
PhiliptookinthebarricadeformedbyMichaelandQuanandbackedoff.Hismouthworkedlikehewantedtospeak,butintheend,heclenchedhisjawshut,glancedlonginglyinStella’sretreatingdirection,andleft.
MichaelsqueezedQuan’sshoulder.“Thanks.”
Quan’slipsquirked,andhetippedhisheadtowardStella.“Youshouldgocheckuponher.”
“Getatable.I’llfindyouthere.”
HeranafterStellaandfellinstepbesideher,butinsteadofslowingdown,sheincreasedherpace,keepinghergazefocusedstraightahead.
“Ihadthesituationundercontrol.Don’tforgetIownaTaser.”
HerabruptnessandimpersonaltonesnuckrightunderneathMichael’sguardandirritatedtheshitoutofhim.Hestilldreamedaboutherdaily,andshewasseeingotherpeople.Ithadn’tevenbeentwowholeweeks.
“Couldn’twaittotestyournewskillsout,Isee.”
Shegraspedatherpursestrapsandwalkedevenfaster.Thesidewalkended,andherheelsclickedoverasphaltasshemarcheddownthenow-residentialstreettowardherhouse.
“Ifyouwantedtosleepwithhim,youweregoingaboutitallwrong.Youshouldhavelethimkissyou.Whydidn’tyou?Nerves?”
“Goaway,Michael.”
“Iwanttoknowwhyyoudidn’tkisshim.He’swhatyouwant.Isn’the?”
Shefrozeinhertracks.Herchestworkedonrapidbreathsasshestaredtotheside.“Whyareyoufollowingmeandtalkingtome?Idon’tknowhowtodealwiththis.Idon’tknowhowI’msupposedtoactorwhatI’msupposedtosay.”
“Wecan’tactlikefriends?”He’dthoughttheywerethat,atleast.
Shemethisgaze.Beneathamixtureofstreetlightsandmoonlight,hereyeslookedwateryandvulnerable.“We’refriends?”
“Ihopeso.”
“Thatdoesn’tworkforme.”Shesteppedaway,herjawstiffandhereyesnarrowed.Hethoughtshewasangryuntiltearsstartedtrackingdownherface.“Idon’twanttobeyourpityfriend.”
Hischestconstrictedatthesightofhertears,andhequitbreathing.“Whoeversaidanythingaboutpity?”
Sheswipedathercheeksasherchinquivered.“Youdid.YousaidyouweredonehelpingmebutIstillwasn’tenough.Yousaidit,andyoumeantit.Youcan’ttakeitbacknow.”
“Ineversaidyou.Isaidwe.”Heswallowedhard.“YouneveroncethoughtImeantme?ThatI’mnotenoughforyou?”
Guilelesseyessearchedhisface,widefromherlackofunderstanding.“WhywouldIeverthinkthat?”
“BecauseI’maprostitute,andmydadisacriminal.”
Herlipsturneddown,andshetookastepawayfromhim.“Idon’tcareaboutthosethings.Noneofthatimpactswhoyouareorhowyoutreatme.You’reusingthosethingsasexcusesbecauseyoudon’twanttohurtme.ButIwantyoutoknowIcanhandlethetruth.IfI’mnotenoughforyou,that’sfairandIacceptit.I’llgetoveryoueventually.Idon’twanttobecoddledorliedtobecauseofwhatIam.Idon’tneedyourpityfriendship.”
Withthat,shebreezedpasthimandsaileddownthestreet.Herwalkwasfastandallbusiness.Therewasnoseductiveswayingofhips,nograce;thiswasnorunwaywalk.Helovedit.
Helovedher
Andshewastryingtogetoverhim.
Inordertogetoverhim,shehadtohavefallenforhimfirst.Sheknewabouthisescorting,hisfinancialsituation,hiseducation,andhisdad,andshestilllovedhim.
Thatchangedeverything.
Determinationcoursedthroughhim.He’dbeensoblindedbyhisinsecuritiesthathe’dpushedherawayandhurther.Whatheshouldhavebeendoinginsteadwasfightingforher.
Thefightstartednow.Ifshecouldtrustandaccepthimashewas,thenhecould,too.Shedeservedthatkindofman.Forher,hewasgoingtobethatkindofman.
HefollowedStellafromadistancetomakesureshemadeitintoherhousesafely,andthenherantofindQuan.Heneededhelpdevisingabattleplan.{CHAP+ER}
28
AknockonherofficedoordistractedStellafromthenewalgorithmshewasformulating.Assheswiveledaround,thedooropened,andanenormousbouquetofcallalilieswalkedintotheroom.
Theirleadreceptionist,Benita,acurvybrunetteinherearlyforties,setthevaseonthedeskandexhaledthroughhermouth.“Okay,thatwasheavy.Itlookslikeyouhaveanadmirer.”
Stellapluckedacardoutfrombetweentheblooms.SherecognizedMichael’sboldscrawlimmediately.
FormyStella.Thinkingofyou.Love,Michael.
“Idon’tknowwhatthismeans.”Shestaredatthenotesittinginthepalmofherhand.
BenitacranedherheadtothesidetoreadMichael’sscriptandgrinned.“Michaelisthehoneyyou’redating,isn’the?He’squitethelooker.”
“Webrokeup.”
Benita’sgrinturnedsly.“Lookslikehewantstogetbacktogether.Areyougoingtogivehimanotherchance?”
Beforeshecouldreply,Philipstalkedpastherdoor.Afterasplitsecond,hereversedandgloweredatthebouquetonhertable.Animpressiveblackeyedecoratedtherightsideofhisface.
“Thatsonofabitch.”Hebargedintoheroffice,headedforherflowers.
Shethrewherselfinfrontofthem.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mgoingtothrowthoseintheDumpsterwheretheybelong.”
“No,you’renot.They’remine.”Thiswasherfirstbouquetfromaboyever
“I’llgetyoubetterones,”hesaidthroughhisteeth.“Thosehavetogo.”
“Idon’twantyoutogetmeflowers.”
“We’redating,remember?”
“We’renotdating.Wewentononedate,andIdon’twantanother.We’renotcompatibleatall.”
BenitapursedherlipsandwatchedPhilipwithraisedeyebrows,obviouslyenjoyingthedrama.
HeapproachedStellawithtensedshouldersandclenchedhands.“Andyou’recompatiblewithhim?”
Shecurledherfingersaroundthecard.Wasitstillcompatibilityifitwasone-sided?
“IwasreallyhappywhenheandIweretogether.He’sagoodlistener.Morethanthat,hewantedtoknowaboutme,myday,whatIwasdoing,and—”
“AllIcareaboutiswhetherornothe’sgoodinbed,”Benitainterjected.
Stellabitherlipandblusheddownatthecarpet.Thewordgooddidn’tdoMichaeljustice.Phenomenalwasmorelikeit.
“Youluckyduck.”BenitaturnedtoPhilipandgrabbedhisarm.“Comeon,PJ,let’sgotothekitchen.Youneedtoicethateye.”
PJ?
PhilipgrumbledunderhisbreathandstaredafewdaggersatherliliesbeforeheallowedBenitatopullhimoutofStella’soffice.Asthetwoofthemwalkeddownthehall,hesettledhishandatthebaseofherspine,slippeditlower,andsqueezed.InsteadofsmackinghimasStellathoughtshewould,Benitabrushedthelighthairfromhisbrowandcluckedoverhisbruise.
Thatwas…interesting.
Apparently,Benitadidn’tcarethatPhilipwasacompletehoundwhenitcametowomen.ThatworkedoutjustfineforStella.Shedidn’thavetofeelbadfornotaskinghimoutagain.
Sherotatedtheflowervaseandfiddledwiththestems.Flowershadalwaysseemedprettysenselesstoher.Theystank,theywilted,andthenyouhadtocleanthemup.ButthesewerefromMichael.
Herphonebuzzedrepeatedly,andwhensheretrieveditfromherdeskdrawer,shesawitwashim.Sheconsideredlettingitgotovoicemail,butherthumbhitthetalkbuttononitsown.
“Hello.”
“Didyougetthem?”heasked.
“Yes…Thankyou.”
“How’sPhilipDexter’seyelookingtoday?”
“Purple.”
Hemadeasatisfiedsound,andshecouldalmostseehisevilsmile.Shebarelyrefrainedfromsighinglikeaschoolgirl.Hisbarbarismshouldn’tpleaseherlikethis.
“It’llstartturninggreeninafewdays,”hesaid.
“Youreallyshouldn’thavegivenhimablackeye.”Butshelovedthathehad.Itmadeherfeelspecialinawayshe’dneverknown.Shewasabloodthirstyvillainess.
“You’reright.Nexttime,I’lldouble-punchhimintheballs.Ifanyone’sgoingtokissyou,ithadbetterbeme.”Afteranawkwardpause,heasked,“Willyouhavedinnerwithmetonight?”
Herfoolishheartleaptatthethoughtofseeinghimagain,butsheforceditintosubmission.Shedidn’tunderstandwhyhewasdoinganyofthis,didn’ttrustit.“No.”
Therewasalongsilencebeforehesaid,“Good.Ilikeachallenge.”
“I’mnottryingtochallengeyou.”
“Iknowyou’renot.You’retryingtogetoverme,whichisworse.”
“Michael…”
“Ihavestufftodo.Talktoyoulater.Missyou.”Thecalldisconnected.
Shepacedaboutherofficewithincreasinglyagitatedsteps.Hedidn’twanthertogetoverhim.Howirritating.Whatwasshesupposedtodo?Pineoverhimforeternity?
ThisburstofoutlandishcourtinghadstartedimmediatelyafterhesawPhiliptryingtokissherwhenshedidn’twantit.MichaelwastryingtowarnPhilipoffbecausehedidn’tthinkshecouldprotectherself.
Shewasstillhischaritycase.
Breathingheavily,shepickeduphisnote,crumpleditintoamisshapenball,andtosseditinthetrash.Thatwaswhatshethoughtofhispity.
Ifshewantedtogetoveraman,shewasgoingtogetoveraman.
Shesatdownandreadoverthelastfewlinesofcodeontheprogrammingscreen.Herbrainwastoodistractedtoconcentrate.ShekeptthinkingaboutMichael.Herbodystillyearnedforhiscaressesandhisdirtywords.Morethanthat,shemissedhimandtheroutinesthey’dmadetogether.
Hecouldn’treallywantherback,butitwouldbewonderfulifhedid.Whenshenoticedthehopefuldirectionofherthoughts,shescoldedherselfandtoldherselftofocusonthedata.Itdidn’twork.Makingafrustratedsound,shefishedhisnoteoutofthetrash,smootheditout,andstuffeditinoneofherdrawers.
???
Eachdaythatweek,hecalledandaskedherouttodinner.Eachday,sherefused.Shedidn’tneedorwanthishelp.Shecouldtakecareofherselfjustfine.
AsofFridayevening,herdesksportedthevaseofstilllovelycallalilies,anothervaseofrosesranginginshadefrombloodredtopink,abundleofballoons,andafuzzyblackteddybearinakarategi.Shewasfartoooldforstuffedanimals,andthesightofitembarrassedher.Michael’sextravagancewasmakingherthetalkoftheoffice.Shehadtofigureoutawaytomakethisstop.
Whenitwastimetoleave,shepoweredoffhercomputer,grabbedherpurse,andheadedforthedoor,snatchingKarateBearonthewayout.Shedidn’twanthim,butthethoughtofhimsittingaloneinherofficeallnightmadeherheartbreakinglysad.
Shesquishedthebearunderherarm,makinghimassmallaspossible,andexitedthebuilding.Nooneneededtoseeherwalkingaroundwithastuffedanimalintow.
“Headinghome?”Thesolitaryvoicecamefrombehindasshecrossedtheemptyparkinglot,andherheartleaptintoherthroat.
Shewhippedaroundwithahandonherchest.
Michaelpushedawayfromthewallofherofficebuilding,thumbshookedintohispockets.Heworeafittedblackvestoveranoxfordshirtthatwasunbuttonedatthethroatanddarkslacks.Toogorgeous.Shedraggedhereyesawayandwenttopickupherbearfromhisabandonedlocationontheblacktop.
Brushingoffthebear’sfur,shesaid,“Thiscanbeinterpretedasstalking,youknow.”
Heduckedhisheadwithasheepishsmile.“Iknow.”
“Youneedtostopallofthis.”
“It’snotjustalittleromantic?Idon’thavealotofexperiencewithcourting,soyou’llhavetoexcusemeifIcomeacrosstoostrong.”
Shepursedherlips.Withhislooksandcharisma,shewassureallhegenerallyhadtodowascrookhisfingerandwaitforwomentocrawltohim.Shedidn’twanttobeoneofthosefoolishwomenanymore.“Cutitout,Michael.Webothknowyou’renotcourtingme.”
Hisshouldersstiffened.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youdon’tneedtoprotectmefromPhilipanymore.He’sswitchedhisattentiontothereceptionist.”
“NoneofthishasbeenaboutPhilip.”Hestalkedtowardher,hisbrowfurrowedandhisjawtight.
Herinstinctstoldhertobackawayasheneared,butstubbornnesshadherdiggingherfeetin.Sheliftedherchin.Shewasn’tscaredofhim.“I’mdonebeingyourcharitycase.Idon’twant—”
Claspingthesidesofherfaceinhishands,hekissedher.Sensationshockedthroughher,endingherstrugglesbeforetheybegan.Thecoolsilkofhislipsonhersfeltlikeheaven.Ashestrokedhishottongueintohermouth,hissaltytasteandfamiliarscentintoxicatedher.Shegrippedhisshouldersandpressedherbodytohis.Hesurroundedherwithhisarmsandalignedtheirhips,hersoftnesstohishardness.Liquidachingpervadedherlimbs.
“Lookatyoumeltingforme,”heraspedagainsthermouth.“I’vemissedyou.”
Hekissedheragain,adeep,slowtastingthatcurledhertoesandmadehersighagainsthislips.Herhairloosened,andsheshiveredashethreadedhisfingersintothemass.
“PrettyStella,”hewhispered,runninghishandsoverherlooselocks.“Imightnothavethehangofcourting,butIkissyouright.”
Thatsnappedheroutofherkiss-inducedhazeimmediately.Shejerkedfreeofhisarmsandwipedasleeveoverhermouth.“Don’tkissme.Don’ttouchme.Idon’twantyoudoinganythingwithmeoutofpity.”
“Whydoyoukeeptalkingaboutpity?IneversaidIpitiedyou,”hesaidwithafrown.
“Thenwhydidn’tyoutakemymoney?”Withoutwaitingforhisresponse,sheretrievedthebearfromthegroundforthesecondtime.Shewantedtohugitclose,butshemadeherselfhandittohim.“Thispastweekwasnice,butI’vehadenough.I’maskingyoutostop.Please.”
“Doesthatmeanyounolongerhavefeelingsforme?”
Afilmofmoistureglossedoverhereyes,andshespunawayfromhimblindly.“I’mgoingtogonow.”
“BecauseIhavefeelingsforyou.”
Shefroze,felthishandclosearoundhersandpulluntilshefacedhimonceagain.Hetippedherchinup,andhertearsthreatenedtospillfree.Hadhereallysaidthat?Withherheartdrumminginherearslikethis,shemusthavemisheard.
Hetookabreath,releasedit,tookanother.“Ididn’ttakeyourmoneybecauseI’minlovewithyou.Itoldmyselfyouneededme,thathelpingyouwouldproveIwasn’tlikemydad,butthosewerejustexcusestobewithyou.Youdon’tneedme,andIdon’thavetoproveI’mnotlikemydad.IknowI’mnot.IendedthingsbecauseIwascertainyoudidn’tlovemeback.Butwhenyousaidyouweregoingtogetoverme,yougavemehope.”
Herskinflushedwithheat—herhands,herneck,herface,thetipsofherears.Hedidn’tpityher.Helovedher.Hadsheheardcorrectly?Wasittrue?
Heswallowedonce.“Couldyousaysomething,please?Whenaguytellsagirlhelovesher,hedoesn’twantsilenceinresponse.WasItoolate?Areyouoverme?”
“AreyouwearingtheunderwearIgotyou?”
Laughtercrackedoutofhim.“Sometimes,thewayyourmindworksisacompletemysterytome.”
“Areyou?”Shetransferredthebearunderneathherarmandtuckedherfingersintothewaistbandofhispantsabovehisleatherbelt.
Lipscurving,heunfastenedhisbelt,unbuttonedhispants,anddrewthezipperdown.“Ifwegetarrestedforlewdactsinpublic,theybetterletusshareacell.”
Shepulledhisshirttailsoutoftheway,andeveninthepoorlightingoftheparkinglot,shecouldseetheredplaidofhisboxers.Sheliftedhereyestohisaseffervescentwarmthpervadedherbody,fillingherheartandspreadingtoeveryextremity.Hedidloveher.Andhertheorywasconfirmed.Michael’sβhadchangedfromonetozero.Forher.“You’rewearingthem.”
“Idon’tliketogocommando.Chafing.”
Tryingtosuppressagoofygrin,shestraightenedhispantsandbelt.“Womenbuyunderwearforthementheylove.It’seconomics.Datasupportsthisclaim.”
“Areyoutellingmeyouloveme,Stella?”
ShehuggedKarateBeartightandnodded,suddenlyovercomebyshyness.
“You’renotgoingtogivemethewords?”heasked.
“I’veneversaidthemtoanyonebutmyparents.”
“YouthinkIrunaroundtellingwomenIlovethem?”Hepulledhercloseandpressedtheirforeheadstogether.“I’mgoingtogetthewordsoutofyou.Tonight.”
“ShouldIbeworried?”
“Yes.”
“Whatareyougoingto…”Theheatinhiseyesstalledherwords.
“Let’sgohome.”
“Okay.”
Insteadofleadingherdownthestreettowardherhouse,hebroughthertoasmallsilverHondaCivicandopenedthepassengerdoorforher.“Itradedinmycar,”hesaidwithanawkwardshrug.
Shesatandbuckledherseatbelt,takingintheclean,nonleatherinteriorofthecar.NothingaboutitremindedherofAliza.“Ilikethisbetter.”
“Youwould.”Hesmiledashegotbehindthewheel.“I’mpartneringwithQuantostartaclothingline,andIneededstartupfunds.SinceIquitescorting,therewasnoreasontokeepthatcar.”
Hewasfinallydoingit—quittingescorting,takingchances,andmakinganameforhimself.Inthatmoment,hewassoperfecttohershewantedtolaunchherselfacrossthegearshiftandkisshimuntilhewasbreathless.
“That’sgreat.I’msohappyforyou,Michael.”Butthethoughtofhimsellinghiscarbecauseheneededmoneybotheredher,especiallywhenhe’dreturnedhercheck.“Doyoustillhavesomeofyourmom’smedicalbillstopay?Didthefoundation’smedicalassistanceprogramfailtocovereverything?”
Hetiltedhisheadashefrownedather.“Howdoyouknowaboutmymom’sbillsortheprogram?”Afteramoment’shesitation,hiseyeswidened.“Wasityou?”
Sheavertedhereyes.
“Itwasyou,”hesaidinadiscoveringvoice.“Howdidyouknowaboutmymom’slackofinsurance?”
“Thatnightatyourapartment,Isawthebills,andImadetheconnectionbetweenthecostofhertreatmentandyourescortingfees.Ithink…that’swhenIfellallthewayinlovewithyou.”
Aboyishgrinspreadoverhislips.“Iwasgoingtogetthosewordsoutofyouinthemostdeliciousway.”Butthenhissmilevanished,replacedbyathoughtfulline.“Itmusthavecostafortune.Youstartedanentiremedicalprogram.Justhowrichareyou?”
Sheworriedherbottomlipasshecontinuedtohugtheteddybear.“I’mnotthatrichanymore.Well,I’mkindofrich.Itdependsonhowyoudefineit.You’reprobablynotgoingtolikeit.Areyousureyouwanttoknow?”
“Outwithit,Stella.”
“Ihadatrustfund.Therewasaboutfifteenmilliondollarsinit,”shesaidwithashrug.“IdonatedittothePaloAltoMedicalFoundationtostartthatmedicalprogram.”
“Yougaveawayyourentiretrustfund?Forme?”
“That’skindofwhatyou’resupposedtodowithmoneylikethat,isn’tit?Giveitaway?Icansupportmyselfwithmysalary.It’sjustmoney,Michael,andIcouldn’tstandtheideathatyouwerebeingforcedintoescorting.Ifyouwanttodoit,that’sonething.Butifyoudon’t…”Sheshookherhead.“Iwasdeterminedtogiveyouachoice.Besides,we’rehelpinglotsoffamiliesnow.It’sagoodthing.”
“We?”Heleanedforwardandkissedhercheek,thecornerofhermouth.“Thatwasallyou.Thatmoneywasnotmine.”Hepressedaseriesofkissestoherlips.“ThankyouforgivingmethatchoicesoIcouldpickyou.Thankyouforbeingyou.Iloveyou.”
Shecouldn’thelpsmilingthen.Shedidn’tthinkshe’devergettiredofhearinghimsaythat.“NowIcansaymyboyfriendisadesignerwithcompleteconfidence.Thatis,ifyouaremyboyfriend.Areyou?”
Insteadofansweringrightaway,hestartedtheengineanddroveoutoftheparkinglot.Eyesontheroadandvoicecasual,hesaid,“Ibetterbeyourboyfriend.SinceI’maskingyoutomarrymeinthreemonths.”
Stella’sjawdroppedasshockwashedoverherinwavesthatalternatedbetweenhotandcold.“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”
Asmallsmileplayedonhislipsashedartedaquickglanceherwaybeforefocusingontheroadonceagain.“Becauseyoudon’tlikesurprises,andIfiguredyou’dneedtimetogetusedtotheidea.”
Hewasrightaboutthat,butbeforeshecoulddwellonittoomuch,hedroppedoneofhishandsfromthewheelandcaughthers,interlacingtheirfingersthewayhealwaysdid.
Sayingnothing,sheletthemomentwashoverher,theuncertainty,thebreathlesshope,theanxiousness,andtheshimmeringcontentment.Thesightoftheirintertwinedhandspleasedher.Sodifferent,butstillfivefingersandfiveknuckles,thesamegeneralblueprint.
Shetightenedhergrip,andhesqueezedherback.Palmtopalm,twolonelyhalvesfoundcomforttogether.EPILOGUE
FOURMONTHSLATER
StellastrolleddownaquietsidewalkinSanFrancisco’swarehousedistrict,adiscreetcorneroftowninhabitedbyseveralWestCoast–basedfashionbusinesses.Afteropeninganunmarkeddoor,sheenteredanindustrialspaceconsistingofsteelwalls,cementfloors,andexposedceilings.
Aphotoshootwasinprogressonthefarsideoftheroom,andStellasmiledasshetookinthemodelsshowcasingMichael’slatestdesigns.Itwasbarelyautumn,butthemodelspresentedhiswinterline.Childrenranginginagefrompreschooltotweenposedinexquisitelytailored,miniaturesuits,vestswithmatchingnewsboycaps,sweaterdresses,andfur-trimmedmantles.
Quansawherfirst.“Hi,Stella.”Hewavedatherabsentlybeforecontinuingananimateddiscussionwiththecamerawoman.
Michaelpausedinthemiddleoftyingthegoldenribbononalittlegirl’swhitechiffoneveningdressandglancedupather,brightening.“You’reearly.”
“Imissedyou.”
Hissmilewidened,andhepattedthelittlegirlontheshoulderanddirectedhertowardtheset,whereacoordinatorwaspositioningthechildrenandtheprops.Ashewalkedtoher,hetuckedhishandsintothepocketsofhisslacksandsweptanappreciativegazeoverhernavy-blueskirtsuitandthescarflooselywrappedaroundherneck.Sheknewhewasadmiringhisclothingselectionforhertoday,andherlipsthinnedasshesuppressedasmile.Thethingsthatmadehimhappy…
Whenhereachedherside,heleaneddownandkissedheronthemouthbeforetrailinghishandsdownherarmsandcapturingherhands.Hebroughtherknucklestohislipsandbrushedathumboverthefingersonherlefthand,drawingherattentiontotherespectabletrioofdiamondssparklingonherringfinger.
“Istillcan’tbelieveyouwentintodebttobuymethis,”shesaid.
Evenso,shehadtoadmitshelovedeverythingitrepresented.She’dneverbeenintojewelry,butshecaughtherselfgazingatherringmoreoftenthanshe’dexpectedand,invariably,thinkingofMichael.Whenpeopleattheofficecaughthergrinningfornoapparentreason,theyrolledtheireyesandmutteredundertheirbreaths.
“Ineededtoannouncehow‘taken’youare.Also,asofthismorning,I’mofficiallyoutofdebt.Quangotustheventurebacking.We’reopeningthreenewstoresbyChristmas.”
Shementallyranthenumbers,andexcitementbubbledinsideofher.“That’sreallyfast.You’redoingevenbetterthanthehigh-growthtrajectoryIdevelopedforyou.”
“Weare.Youranalyticsarepartofwhatconvincedtheventurecapitalists,actually.”
“Ithinkitwasyourdesignsandaggressivemarketingstrategy.”
“Okay,thatmayhavehadsomethingtodowithit.”Helaughed,butthelookinhiseyeswassoft.“Havingyouwithmethiswholetimehasmeanteverythingtome,though.Ihopeyouknowthat.”
“Ido.”Thepastfewmonthshadbeenbusyforthebothofthem,buttogether,they’dmadeitwork.“It’sthesameforme.”
Hisexpressionwentserious.“Yousaidyouwerehavingthemeetingwiththepartnersatyourfirmtoday.Howdiditgo?”
“Theyofferedmeapromotionagain.Principaleconometrician.Fivedirectreportsinadditiontomytrustyintern.”
“And?”
Shetookabreathbeforesaying,“Iacceptedit.”
Hislipsfellopen,andinthenextmoment,hecrushedherinafierceembrace.Hepressedakisstohertemple.“Doyouregretit?”
Sheburrowedclosertohimandbreathedinhisscent.“No.I’mnervousaboutit,butmostly,I’mhappy.”
“Soproudofyou.”
Shesmiledsobighercheeksached.“Thepromotioncomeswithalargebonus.I’mwarningyouinadvanceI’mbuyingyouanewcar.”
Whenhepulledback,sheworriedhewasupset.Shecouldn’treadtheshutteredlookonhisfaceashesaid,“Icanbuymyselfanewcar.”
Shebitherliptokeepfromfrowning,butsheunderstoodifhehadtoearnhisownway.Shedidn’tneedtospoilhim.Shejustwantedto.
“ButIwantthesamemodelasyours,”hecontinued.“AndIlikeblack.”
Shetiltedherheadtothesideanddrewinaslowbreath.“Doesthatmean…?”
“Itmeansifyouwanttobuymeacar,Iwanttodriveit.”Hislipscurvedwithasuggestivegrin,andhiseyesdanced.“Ifyouwanttobuymeboxers,Iwanttowearthem.”
Herchestfilledwithlightness,andshegrabbedhishandsoshewouldn’taccidentallyfloataway.“Itmeansyouloveme.”
Heinterlacedtheirfingersthewayhealwaysdidandsqueezed.“That’sright.It’seconomics.”
THEENDAuthor’sNote
ThefirsttimeIheardof“highfunctioning”autism,previouslyknownasAsperger’sSyndrome,wasinaprivatediscussionwithmydaughter’spreschoolteacher.Iwascompletelyshockedbytheteacher’ssuggestion.Whilemygirlwasahandful,shedidn’tfitmypreconceptionsof“autistic”atall.Inmyeyes,she’salwaysbeenjustassheshouldbe—asweetlittlethingwithafirecrackerpersonality.IcamehomeanddidsomequickresearchontheInternet,andmyfindingsdidn’tseeminlinewithmygirl’straits.Justtobesure,Iaskedmyfamilymembersandherphysicianfortheiropinions,andresultswereunanimous:Shewasnotautistic.Theyhadtoberight,andIletitgo.
Atleast,IthoughtIdid.RealLifeMeletitgo,butWriterMewasfascinated.Yousee,agender-swappedPrettyWomanhadbeennigglingatthebackofmymindforquitesometime,butIhadn’tbeenabletofigureoutwhyasuccessfulbeautifulwomanwouldhireanescort.OneautistictraitfrommyquickInternetresearchstuckwithme:troublewithsocialskills.ThatwascertainlysomethingIcouldempathizewith—andacompellingreasontohireanescort.Whatifmyheroinewasautisticlikemydaughterwasn’t?Ineededtolearnaboutthischaracter.
Istartedtoresearchinearnest,andIdiscoveredthemostinterestingthing:Therearebooksspecificallyforwomenonthespectrum.Howcomewomenneedtheirownbooks?We’reallpeople.Ifiguredmenandwomenshouldbethesame.IpurchasedAspergirlsbyRudySimone.
ThestrangestfeelingsettledovermewhenIstartedreadingherwords,anditonlygotstrongerasIdelveddeeperintothebook.Apparently,there’samajordifferenceinthewayautismisperceivedbetweenmenandwomen.WhatI’dpreviouslyreaddescribedautisticmen,butmanyautisticwomen,foravarietyofreasons,masktheirawkwardnessandhidetheirautistictraitstobemoresociallyacceptable.Evenourobsessionsandinterestsaregenerallytailoredtobesociallyacceptable,likehorsesandmusicinsteadoflicenseplatenumbersthatstartwiththree.Becauseofthis,womenoftengoundiagnosedorarediagnosedlaterinlife,frequentlyaftertheirownchildrenreceivediagnoses.WomenwithAsperger’sexistinwhatpeoplecallthe“invisiblepartofthespectrum.”
AsIreadRudySimone’sbook,Ifoundmyselflookingbackatmyownchildhoodandrememberingamillionlittlethings,likehowsomeoneatschooltoldmemyfacialexpressionwasscary,andIspenthoursandhoursafterwardspracticinginthemirror.OrhowsometimesIgotthroughthedaybymimickingmyfavoritecousin’smannerismsandspeechpatternsbecauseshewaspopularandthathadtobetherightwaytobe,onlyitwassoexhausting.OrhowIusedtotapmyfingersone-three-five-two-fouroverandoverinthatpatternwhenIwasnervousorbored,butIrealizeditannoyedpeople,soIstarteddoingitonmyteethsonoonecouldseeorhear,andnowIhaveearlyonsetperiodontaldisease,butIcan’tstoptosavemylife.OrtheGeorgeWinstonobsessionthatledmetoteachmyselftoplaythepianowhenIwasatinythingandisstillgoingstrongdecadeslater.Or,or,or…
Whatstartedasmereresearchforabookbecameajourneyofself-realization.IlearnedthatIamnotalone.Thereareotherpeoplejustlikemeandverypossiblymydaughter,too.AsIpursuedandeventuallyattainedadiagnosis(atagethirty-four),Stella,myautisticheroine,wasbornonthepage.Ithasneverbeensoeasyformetowriteacharacter.Iknewherintimately.Shecamefrommyheart.Ididn’thavetofiltermythoughtstomakehersociallyacceptable,somethingI’dbeenunconsciouslydoingforages.Andthisfreedomallowedmetofindmyvoice.Beforethis,I’dbeenusingeveryotherauthor’swritingstyle,tryingtobesomeoneelse.WhenIwroteTheKissQuotient,Ibecamemyself,andI’vebeenunapologeticallymyselfeversince.Sometimesinsteadofconfiningyou,alabelcansetyoufree.Atleast,thatwasthecaseforme.I’vestartedtherapytohelpwithstrugglesIhadn’tknownwerecommontopeoplelikeme.
Thatsaid,Ifeeltheneedtopointoutthateveryoneonthespectrumhastheirownvalidexperiences,impairments,strengths,andpointsofview.Myexperience(and,therefore,Stella’s)isjustoneamongmanyandcannotbetakenas“standard.”Thereisnostandard.
Forinterestedparties,IfoundthefollowingresourcesonautismspectrumdisorderandAsperger’stobeinformationalbutnotboring:
AspergirlsbyRudySimone(gearedtowardwomen)
EverydayAspergersbySamanthaCraft(gearedtowardwomen)
LookMeintheEyebyJohnElderRobison
TheReasonIJumpbyNaokiHigashida
YouTubevideosfeaturingclinicalpsychologistTonyAttwood
AutisticWomen’sAssociation(facebook.com/autisticwomensassociation)
Allthebest,HelenHoangDISCUSSIONQUESTIONS
Priortoreadingthisbook,howwouldyouhaveimaginedanautisticwoman?HowdoesStellacomparetothisvision?
StellawassurprisedwhensheheardhercoworkerPhilipJameshadbeenaskedoutbytheirnewintern.Whenitcomestoheterosexualrelationships,doyouthinkmenshouldbetheinitiators?Whatdoesitsayaboutawomanifsheasksoutaman?
Doesitsurpriseyoutoseeanautisticpersonexploringasexualrelationship?Ifso,why?
Withregardstoautism,peoplearedividedbetweenusingperson-firstlanguage(i.e.“personwithautism”)andidentity-firstlanguage(i.e.“autisticperson”).Oneofthemainargumentsforperson-firstlanguageisthatitseparatesapersonfromtheirmentaldisorders.Manyautisticpeople,ontheotherhand,preferidentity-firstlanguagebecausetheybelieveautismisanintrinsicpartofwhotheyareandhavenowishfora“cure.”Whichdoyouthinkisright?Doyouthinkitcandependoneachperson’sindividualcircumstancesandpreferences?HowdidyoufeelwhenStellatriedtomakeherselffreshandfantastic?Whydidyoufeelthatway?
WhatdoyouthinkofamanwithMichael’sFridaynightprofession?Howdoesthatcomparetoyourimpressionofawomanwiththatprofession?Ifgendermakesadifference,whyisthat?
HowdoesMichael’sdaytimeprofessionaffecthisattractiveness?
Throughoutthebook,Michaelworrieshe’sinheritedhisfather’s“badness,”thatitwaspasseddowninhisblood.Doyouthinkthisisillogical?Areyouabletoempathizewithhim?Ifso,how?
Islovealoneenough?Canpeoplewithdifferentcultures,educationlevels,andwealthbetogetherinthelongrun?Howcantheymakeitwork?PhotobyEricKieu
HELENHOANGisthatshypersonwhonevertalks.Untilshedoes.Andthentheworstthingsflyoutofhermouth.Shereadherfirstromancenovelineighthgradeandhasbeenaddictedeversince.In2016,shewasdiagnosedwithautismspectrumdisorderinlinewithwhatwaspreviouslyknownasAsperger’ssyndrome.HerjourneyinspiredTheKissQuotient.ShecurrentlylivesinSanDiego,California,withherhusband,twokids,andapetfish.Visitheronlineathelenhoang.com,facebook.com/hhoangwrites,instagram.com/hhoangwrites,andtwitter.com/hhoangwritesWhat’snextonyourreadinglist?
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