ChristinaLaurenisthecombinedpennameoflongtimewritingpartners/besties/soulmatesandbrain-twinsChristinaHobbsandLaurenBillings,theNewYorkTimes,USATodayandNo.1internationalbestsellingauthorsoftheBeautifulandWildSeasonsseriesandvariousstandaloneromances.
Youcanfindthemonlineat:
ChristinaLaurenBooks.com
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@ChristinaLaurenALSOBYCHRISTINALAUREN
DatingYou/HatingYou
Roomies
LoveandOtherWords
JoshandHazel’sGuidetoNotDating
MyFavoriteHalf-NightStand
TheUnhoneymooners
TwiceinaBlueMoon
TheHoney-Don’tList
InaHolidaze
THEBEAUTIFULSERIES
BeautifulBastard
BeautifulStranger
BeautifulBitch
BeautifulBombshell
BeautifulPlayer
BeautifulBeginning
BeautifulBeloved
BeautifulSecret
BeautifulBoss
Beautiful
THEWILDSEASONSSERIES
SweetFilthyBoy
DirtyRowdyThing
DarkWildNight
WickedSexyLiar
YOUNGADULT
TheHouse
Sublime
AutoboyographyCopyright
PublishedbyPiatkus
ISBN:978-0-349-42688-4
Allcharactersandeventsinthispublication,otherthanthoseclearlyinthepublicdomain,arefictitiousandanyresemblancetorealpersons,livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.
Copyright?2021byChristinaHobbsandLaurenBillings
Themoralrightoftheauthorhasbeenasserted.
InteriordesignbyDavinaMock-Maniscalco
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,withoutthepriorpermissioninwritingofthepublisher.
Thepublisherisnotresponsibleforwebsites(ortheircontent)thatarenotownedbythepublisher.
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www.littlebrown.co.uk
www.hachette.co.ukContents
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyChristinaLauren
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
AcknowledgmentsToHollyRoot,ourDiamondMatchONE
JESSICADAVISUSEDtothinkitwasanhonest-to-Godtragedythatonlytwenty-sixpercentofwomenbelievedintruelove.Ofcourse,thatwasnearlyadecadeago,whenshecouldn’timaginewhatitfeltliketobeanythingbutdeeplyandpassionatelyobsessedwiththemanwhowouldonedaybeherex.Tonight,though,onherthirdfirstdateinsevenyears,shewasastoundedthenumberwaseventhathigh.
“Twenty-sixpercent,”shemumbled,leaningtowardtherestroommirrortoapplymorelipstick.“Twenty-sixwomenoutofonehundredbelievetrueloveisreal.”Poppingthecapbackon,Jesslaughed,andherexhaustedreflectionlaughedback.Sadly,hernightwasfarfromover.Shestillhadtomakeitthroughtheentréecourse;appetizershadlastedfouryears.Ofcourse,someofthatwasprobablyduetoTravis’stendencytotalkwithhismouthfull,oversharinghighlyspecificstoriesaboutfindinghiswifeinbedwithhisbusinesspartnerandtheensuingmessydivorce.Butasfarasfirstdateswent,Jessreasoned,itcouldhavebeenworse.Thisdatewasbetter,forsure,thantheguylastweekwho’dbeensodrunkwhenheshowedupattherestaurantthathe’dnoddedoffbeforethey’devenordered
“Comeon,Jess.”Shedroppedthetubebackintoherbag.“Youdon’thavetomake,serve,orcleanupafterthismeal.Thedishesaloneareworthatleastonemorebitterex-wifestory.”
Astalldoorclickedopen,startlingher,andawillowyblondeemerged.SheglancedatJesswithbaldpity.
“God,Iknow,”Jessagreedwithagroan.“I’mtalkingtomyselfinabathroom.Tellsyouexactlyhowmynightisgoing.”
Notalaugh.Notevenasmileofpoliteness,letalonecamaraderie.Insteadthewomanmovedasfarawayaspossibletotheendoftheemptyrowofsinksandbeganwashingherhands.
Well.
Jesswentbacktorummagingthroughherpursebutcouldn’thelpglancingtowardtheendofthecounter.Sheknewitwasn’tpolitetostare,buttheotherwoman’smakeupwasflawless,hernailsperfectlymanicured.Howonearthdidsomewomenmanageit?Jessconsideredleavingthehousewithherzipperupavictory.Once,she’dpresentedanentirefiscalyear’sworthofdatatoaclientwithfourofJuno’ssparklybutterflybarrettesstillclippedtothefrontofherblazer.Thisgorgeousstrangerprobablyhadn’tbeenforcedtochangeoutfitsaftercleaningglitteroffbothacatandaseven-year-old.Sheprobablyneverhadtoapologizeforbeinglate.Sheprobablydidn’tevenhavetoshave—shewasjustnaturallysmootheverywhere.
“Areyouokay?”
Jessblinkedbacktoawareness,realizingthewomanwasspeakingtoher.Therewasreallynowaytopretendshehadn’tbeenstaringdirectlyatthisstranger’scleavage.
Resistingtheurgetocoverherownless-than-impressiveassets,Jessofferedasmall,embarrassedwave.“Sorry.Iwasjustthinkingthatyourkittenprobablyisn’tcoveredinglitter,too.”
“Mywhat?”
Sheturnedbacktothemirror.JessicaMarieDavis,getyourshittogether.Ignoringthefactthatshestillhadanaudience,JesschanneledNanaJointothemirror:“Youhaveplentyoftime.Gooutthere,eatsomeguacamole,gohome,”shesaidaloud.“There’snotickingclockonanyofthis.”
“I’MJUSTSAYING,theclockisticking.”FizzywavedvaguelytowardJess’sbutt.“Thatbootywon’tbehighandtightforever,youknow.”
“Maybenot,”Jesssaid,“butTinderisn’tgoingtohelpmefindaqualityguytoholditup,either.”
Fizzyliftedherchindefensively.“I’vehadsomeofthebestsexofmylifefromTinder.Iswearyougiveuptooquickly.Weareintheeraofwomentakingpleasureandnotapologizingforgettingtheirsfirst,second,andonemoretimefortheroad.Travismightbeex-wifeobsessed,butIsawhisphotoandhewasfineashell.Maybehewouldhaverockedyourworldforanhourortwoafterchurros,butyou’llneverknow,becauseyouleftbeforedessert.”
Jesspaused.Maybe…“Goddammit,Fizzy.”
Herbestfriendleanedback,smug.IfFelicityChendecidedtostartsellingAmway,Jesswouldsimplyhandoverherwallet.Fizzywasmadeofcharisma,witchcraft,andbadjudgment.Thosequalitiesmadeheragreatwriter,butwerealsopartlythereasonJesshadamisspelledsonglyrictattooedontheinsideofherrightwrist,hadhaddisastrousnot-even-close-to–AudreyHepburnbangsforsixdepressingmonthsin2014,andhadattendedacostumepartyinLAthatturnedouttobeaBDSMsceneinadungeonbasement.Fizzy’sresponsetoJess’s“Youbroughtmetoasexpartyinadungeon?”was,“Yeah,everyoneinLAhasdungeons!”
Fizzytuckedastrandofglossyblackhairbehindherear.“Okay,let’smakeplansforyournextdate.”
“No.”Openingherlaptop,Jessloggedintoheremail.Butevenwithherattentionfixedelsewhere,itwashardtomissFizzy’sscowl.“Fizz,it’shardwithakid.”
“That’salwaysyourexcuse.”
“BecauseIalwayshaveakid.”
“Youalsohavegrandparentswholivenextdoorandaremorethanhappytowatchherwhileyou’reonadate,andabestfriendwhothinksyourkidiscoolerthanyouare.Wealljustwantyoutobehappy.”
Jessknewtheydid.Thatwaswhyshe’dagreedtotesttheTinderwatersinthefirstplace.“Okay,letmehumoryou,”shesaid.“Let’ssayImeetsomeoneamazing.WhereamIgoingtohookupwithhim?ItwasdifferentwhenJunowastwo.NowIhavealightsleeperseven-year-oldwithperfecthearing,andthelasttimeIwenttoaguy’splaceitwassomessy,apairofhisboxersstucktomybackwhenIgotuptousethebathroom.”
“Gross.”
“Agreed.”
“Still.”Fizzyrubbedathoughtfulfingerbeneathherlip.“Singleparentsmakeitworkallthetime,Jess.LookattheBradyBunch.”
“Yourbestexampleisafifty-year-oldsitcom?”TheharderFizzytriedtoconvinceher,thelessJessactuallywantedtogetbackoutthere.“In1969onlythirteenpercentofparentsweresingle.CarolBradywasaheadofhertime.Iamnot.”
“Vanillalatte!”thebarista,Daniel,shoutedoverthedinofthecoffeeshop.
Fizzymotionedthatshewasn’tdonebeingapaininJess’sassbeforestandingandmakingherwaytothecounter.
JesshadbeencomingtoTwiggscoffeeshopeveryweekdayforalmostaslongasshe’dbeenfreelancing.Herlife,whichessentiallyexistedinafour-blockradius,wasexceedinglymanageableasitwas.ShewalkedJunotoschooljustdownthestreetfromtheirapartmentcomplexwhileFizzygrabbedthebesttable—intheback,awayfromtheglareofthewindowbutneartheoutletthathadn’tyetgonewobbly.JesscrunchednumberswhileFizzywrotenovels,andinanefforttonotbeleeches,theyorderedsomethingatleasteveryninetyminutes,whichhadtheaddedbenefitofincentivizingthemtoworkmore,gossipless.
Excepttoday.ShecouldalreadytellFizzywasgoingtobeunrelenting.
“Okay.”Herfriendreturnedwithherdrinkandahugeblueberrymuffin,andtookamomenttogetsituated.“WherewasI?”
Jesskepthereyesontheemailinfrontofher,pretendingtoread.“Ithinkyouwereabouttosaythatit’smylifeandthatIshoulddowhatIthinkisbest.”
“Webothknowthat’snotsomethingIwouldsay.”
“WhyamIyourfriend?”
“BecauseIimmortalizedyouasthevillaininCrimsonLace,andyoubecameafanfavorite,soIcan’tkillyouoff.”
“SometimesIwonderifyou’reansweringmyquestions,”Jessgrumbled,“orcontinuinganongoingconversationinyourhead.”
Fizzybeganpeelingthepaperoffhermuffin.“WhatIwasgoingtosayisthatyoucan’tthrowinthetowelbecauseofonebaddate.”
“It’snotjusttheonebaddate,”Jesssaid.“It’stheexhaustingandalienprocessoftryingtobeappealingtomen.I’mafreelancestatiticianandconsidermysexiestoutfittobemyoldBuffyshirtandapairofcutoffs.MyfavoritepajamasareoneofPops’soldundershirtsandsomematernityyogapants.”
Fizzywhimperedoutaplaintive“No.”
“Yes,”Jesssaidemphatically.“Ontopofthat,IhadakidwhenmostpeopleouragewerestilllyingaboutenjoyingJ?germeister.It’shardtomakemyselfseempolishedinadatingprofile.”
Fizzylaughed.
“IhatetakingtimeawayfromJunoforsomeguyI’mprobablynevergoingtoseeagain.”
Fizzyletthatsinkinforabeat,darkeyesfixedindisbelief.“So,you’re…done?Jessica,youwentonthreedateswiththreehot,ifdull,men.”
“I’mdoneuntilJunoisolder,yeah.”
SheregardedJesswithsuspicion.“Howmucholder?”
“Idon’tknow.”Jesspickeduphercoffee,butherattentionwassnaggedwhenthemantheyreferredtoas“Americano”steppedintoTwiggs,stridingtothefrontpreciselyoncue—8:24inthemorning—alllonglegsanddarkhairandsurly,gloweringvibes,notmakingeyecontactwithasingleperson.“Maybewhenshe’sincollege?”
WhenJess’seyesleftAmericano,horrorwasripplingacrossFizzy’sexpression.“College?Whenshe’seighteen?”Sheloweredhervoicewheneveryheadinthecoffeeshopswiveled.“You’retellingmethatifIsatdowntowritethenovelofyourfuturelovelife,I’dbewritingaheroinewhoishappilyshowingherbodytoadudeforthefirsttimeineighteenyears?Honey,no.Notevenyourperfectlypreservedvaginacanpullthatoff.”
“Felicity.”
“LikeanEgyptiantombinthere.Practicallymummified,”Fizzymumbledintoasip.
Upfront,Americanopaidforhisdrinkandthensteppedtotheside,absorbedintypingsomethingonhisphone.“Whatishisdeal?”Jessaskedquietly.
“YouhavesuchacrushonAmericano,”Fizzysaid.“Doyourealizeyouwatchhimwheneverhecomesinhere?”
“MaybeIfindhisdemeanorfascinating.”
Fizzylethereyesdroptohisass,currentlyhiddenbyanavycoat.“We’recallingithis‘demeanor’now?”Shebent,writingsomethingintheIdeaNotebookshekeptnearherlaptop.
“Hecomesinhereandemitsthevibethatifanyonetriedtotalktohim,hewoulddoamurder,”Jessquipped.
“Maybehe’saprofessionalhitman.”
Jess,too,inspectedhimtoptobottom.“Morelikeasociallyconstipatedmedievalartprofessor.”Shetriedtorememberwhenhe’dstartedcominginhere.Maybetwoyearsago?Almosteveryday,sametimeeverymorning,samedrink,samesullensilence.Thiswasaquirkyneighborhood,andTwiggswasitsheart.Peoplecameintolinger,tosip,tochat;Americanostoodoutnotforbeingdifferentoreccentricbutforbeingalmostentirelysilentinaspacefullofboisterous,lovableweirdos.“Niceclothes,butinsidethemhe’sallgrouchy,”Jessmumbled.
“Well,maybeheneedstogetlaid,kindoflikesomeoneelseIknow.”
“Fizz.I’vehadsexsincebirthingJuno,”Jesssaidinexasperation.“I’mjustsayingIdon’thavealotleftoverforcommitment,andI’mnotwillingtoendureboringoroutrightterribledatesjustfororgasms.Theymakebattery-operatedappliancesforthat.”
“I’mnottalkingjustaboutsex,”Fizzysaid.“I’mtalkingaboutnotalwaysputtingyourselflast.”FizzypausedtowavetoDaniel,whowaswipingdownatablenearby.“Daniel,didyoucatchallofthat?”
HestraightenedandgaveherthesmilethathadmadeFizzywritetheheroofDestiny’sDevilwithDanielinmind,anddoallmannerofdirtythingstohiminthebookthatshehadn’tdareddoinreallife.
Andwouldneverdo:DanielandFizzywentoutoncelastyearbutquicklyendedthingswhentheyranintoeachotheratafamilyreunion.Theirfamilyreunion.“Whencan’twehearyou?”heasked.
“Good,thenpleasetellJessthatI’mright.”
“YouwantmetohaveanopinionaboutwhetherJessshouldbeonTinderjusttogetlaid?”heasked.
“Okay,yup.”Jessgroaned.“Thisiswhatrockbottomfeelslike.”
“Orwhicheverdatingsiteshelikes!”Fizzycried,ignoringher.“Thiswomanissexyandyoung.Sheshouldn’twasteherremaininghotyearsinmomjeansandoldsweatshirts.”
Jesslookeddownatheroutfit,readytoprotest,butthewordsshriveledinherthroat.
“Maybenot,”Danielsaid,“butifshe’shappy,doesitmatterwhetherornotshe’sfrumpy?”
ShebeamedatFizzyintriumph.“See?DanielissortofonTeamJess.”
“Youknow,”Danielsaidtohernow,ballingthewashraginhishands,smugwithinsiderknowledge,“Americanoisaromantic,too.”
“Letmeguess,”Jesssaid,grinning.“He’sthehostofaDothraki-themedsexdungeon?”
OnlyFizzylaughed.Danielgaveacoyshrug.“He’sabouttolaunchacutting-edgematchmakingcompany.”
Bothwomenwentsilent.Awhatnow?
“Matchmaking?”Jessasked.“ThesameAmericanowhoisaregularhereinthiscoffeeshopandyetneversmilesatanyone?”Shepointedbehindhertothedoorhe’dexitedthroughonlyaminuteago.“Thatguy?Withhisintensehotnessmarredbythemoody,antisocialfilter?”
“That’stheone,”Danielsaid,nodding.“Youcouldberightthatheneedstogetlaid,butI’mguessinghedoesjustfineforhimself.”
ATLEASTTHISparticularFizzytangenthappenedonaMonday—PopspickedupJunofromschoolonMondaysandtookhertothelibrary.JesswasabletogetaproposaltogetherforGenentech,setupameetingwithWholeFoodsfornextweek,andbashthroughafewspreadsheetsbeforeshehadtowalkhomeandstartattackingdinner.
Hercar,tenyearsoldwithbarelythirtythousandmilesloggedonit,wassorarelyusedthatJesscouldn’trememberthelasttimeshe’dhadtofillthetank.Everythinginherworld,shethoughtcontentedlyonherwalkhome,waswithinarm’sreach.UniversityHeightswastheperfectblendofapartmentsandmismatchedhousesnestledbetweentinyrestaurantsandindependentbusinesses.Frankly,thesolebenefitoflastnight’sdatewasthatTravishadagreedtomeetatElZarapejusttwodoorsdown;theonlythingworsethanhavingtheworld’smostboringdinnerconversationwouldhavebeendrivingtotheGaslamptodoit.
Withaboutanhouruntilsunset,theskyhadgoneaheavilybruisedgray-blue,threateningrainthat’dsendanySouthernCaliforniandriverintoaconfusedturmoil.AsparsecrowdwasgettingMondaylevelsofrowdyonthedeckofthenewKiwi-runbrewerydownthestreet,andtheubiquitouslineatBahnThaiwasquicklyturningintoatangleofhungrybodies;threebuttswereattachedtohumanscurrentlyignoringthesignforcustomersnottositontheprivatestoopnextdoortotherestaurant.NanaandPops’stenant,Mr.Brooks,hadinstalledadoorbellcameraforthefrontunits,andalmosteverymorninghegaveJessadetailedaccountingofhowmanycollegekidsvapedonhisfrontstepwhilewaitingforatable.
Homecameintoview.Junohadnamedtheirapartmentcomplex“HarleyHall”whenshewasfour,andalthoughitdidn’thavenearlythepretentiousviberequiredtobeacapital-HHall,thenamestuck.HarleyHallwasbrightgreenandstoodoutlikeanemeraldagainsttheearth-tonestuccooftheadjacentbuildings.Thestreet-facingsidewasdecoratedwithahorizontalstripofpinkandpurpletilesformingaharlequinpattern;electric-pinkwindowboxesspilledbrightlycoloredmandevillamostoftheyear.Jess’sgrandparentsRonaldandJoanneDavishadboughtthepropertytheyearPopsretiredfromthenavy.CoincidentallythiswasthesameyearJess’slong-termboyfrienddecidedhewasn’tfathermaterialandwantedtoretaintheoptiontoputhispenisinotherladies.Jessfinishedschoolandthenpackeduptwo-month-oldJuno,movingintothegroundfloortwo-bedroomunitthatfacedNanaandPops’sbungalowatthebackendoftheproperty.Giventhatthey’draisedJessdowntheroadinMissionHillsuntilshe’dgonetocollegeatUCLA,thetransitionwasbasicallyzero.Andnow,hersmallandperfectvillagehelpedherraiseherchild.
Thesidegateopenedwithatinysqueak,thenlatchedclosedbehindher.Downanarrowpath,JesssteppedintothecourtyardthatseparatedherapartmentfromNanaJoandPops’sbungalow.ThespacelookedlikealushgardensomewhereinBaliorIndonesia.Ahandfulofstonefountainsgurgledquietly,andtheprimarysensationwasbright:magenta,coral,andbrassy-purplebougainvilleadominatedthewallsandfences.
Immediately,asmall,neatlyFrench-braidedchildtackledJess.“Mom,Igotabookaboutsnakesfromthelibrary,didyouknowthatsnakesdon’thaveeyelids?”
“I—”
“Also,theyeattheirfoodwhole,andtheirearsareonlyinsidetheirheads.Guesswhereyoucan’tfindsnakes?”Junostaredupather,blueeyesunblinking.“Guess.”
“Canada!”
“No!Antarctica!”
Jessledtheminside,calling“Noway!”overhershoulder.
“Way.AndrememberthatcobrainTheBlackStallion?Well,cobrasaretheonlykindofsnakesthatbuildnests,andtheycanlivetobetwenty.”
ThatoneactuallyshockedJessica.“Wait,seriously?”Shedroppedherbagonthecouchjustinsidethedoorandmovedtothepantrytodigaroundfordinneroptions.“That’sinsane.”
“Yes.Seriously.”
Junowentquietbehindher,andunderstandingdroppedlikeaweightinJess’schest.Sheturnedtofindherkidwearingtheenormous-eyedexpressionofpreemptivebegging.“Juno,baby,no.”
“Please,Mom?”
“No.”
“Popssaidmaybeacornsnake.Thebooksaysthey’re‘verydocile.’Oraballpython?”
“Apython?”Jesssetapotofwateronthestovetoboil.“Areyououtofyourmind,child?”Shepointedtothecat,Pigeon,asleepinthedyingstretchofdaylightstreamingthroughthewindow.“Apythonwouldeatthatcreature.”
“Aballpython,andIwouldn’tletit.”
“IfPopsisencouragingyoutogetasnake,”Jesssaid,“Popscankeepitoverathishouse.”
“NanaJoalreadysaidno.”
“Ibetshedid.”
Junogrowled,collapsingontothecouch.Jesswalkedoverandsatdown,drawingherinforacuddle.Shewassevenbutsmall;shestillhadbabyhandswithdimplesontheknucklesandsmelledlikebabyshampooandthewoodyfiberofbooks.WhenJunowrappedhersmallarmsaroundJess’sneck,shebreathedthelittlegirlin.Junohadherownroomnow,butshe’dsleptwithhermomuntilshewasfour,andsometimesJesswouldstillwakeupinthemiddleofthenightandexperienceasharpstaboflongingforthewarmweightofherbabyinherarms.Jess’sownmotherusedtosaysheneededtobreakJunoofthehabit,butparentingadvicewasthelastthingJamieDavisshouldbegivingtoanyone.Besides,itwasn’tlikeanyoneelseeveroccupiedthatsideofthemattress.
AndJunowasamastercuddler,agold-medalOlympianinthesnuggle.ShepressedherfacetoJess’sneckandbreathedin,wigglingcloser.“Mama.Youwentonadatelastnight,”shewhispered.
“Mm-hmm.”
Junohadbeenexcitedforthedate,notonlybecausesheadoredhergreat-grandparentsandgotNanaJo’scookingwhenJesswasout,butalsobecausethey’drecentlywatchedAdventuresinBabysitting,andFizzy’dtoldheritwasaprettyaccuratedepictionofwhatdatingwaslike.InJuno’smind,JessmightendupdatingThor.
“Didyougodowntown?Didhebringyouflowers?”Shepulledback.“Didyoukisshim?”
Jesslaughed.“No,Ididnot.Wehaddinner,andIwalkedhome.”
Junostudiedher,eyesnarrowed.Sheseemedprettysurethatmorewassupposedtohappenonadate.Poppinguplikeshe’drememberedsomething,shejoggedtoherrollerbackpacknearthedoor.“Igotyouabook,too.”
“Youdid?”
Junowalkedbackoverandcrawledintoherlap,handingitover.
MiddleAgedandKickin’It!:AWoman’sDefinitiveGuidetoDatingOver40,50andBeyond.
Jessletoutasurprisedlaugh.“DidyourAuntieFizzputyouuptothis?”
Juno’sgigglerolledoutofher,delighted.“ShetextedPops.”
Overthetopofherhead,Jesscaughtaglimpseofthedry-eraseboardnexttothefridge,andatinglingspreadfromherfingertipsuptoherarms.ThewordsNEWYEARSGOALSwerewritteninJuno’sbubblyhandwriting.
NANA&POPS
Getapersonaltrayner
Takeawockevryday
JUNO
Lerntolikebrocooli
Makemybedevrymornning
TrySomethingNewSunday!
MOM
TrySomethingNewSunday!
Nanasesbemoreselfish!
Domorethingsthatskareme
Okay,Universe,Jessicathought.Igetit.IfMrs.Bradycouldbeatrailblazer,maybeitwastimeforJesstotry,too.TWO
THEPROBLEMWITHepiphanies:theyneverarrivedataconvenienttime.Jesshadamildlyhyperactiveseven-year-oldandaflourishingfreelancingcareerjugglingallflavorsofmathematicalconundrums.Neitherofthesethingsleftalotoftimeforcreatingabucketlistofadventures.Besides,herdaughterandhercareerwereenoughforher;shehadfourgoodfreelancingcontracts,andalthoughtheydidn’tleaveherwithmuchextra,shewasabletocoverthebills—includingtheirastronomicalinsurancepremiums—andhelphergrandparentsout,too.Junowasahappykid.Theylivedinanicearea.Frankly,Jesslikedherlifeasitwas.
ButthewordsDomorethingsthatscaremeseemedtoflashneononherlidswheneversheclosedhereyesbetweendatasets.
Truthfully,herlackofdatingwasprobablymoreaboutlazinessthanfear.It’snotlikeIjumpedgiddilyintostagnation,Jessthought.Islidintoitslowly,andrealizeitonlynowthatI’mnolongerevenquestioningwhetherthejeansIpulledoffthefloorshould’vebeenwashedbeforebeingwornagain.Jesswouldnevercomplainabouthavingbecomeamomwhenshewastwenty-two—JunowasthebestthingAleccouldhavegivenher,frankly—butitwasprobablyfairtoadmitthatsheputmoreeffortintomakingJuno’slunchthanshedidintoconsidering,say,whatshemightlookforinafuturepartner.MaybeFizzy,Nana,andthecoverofMarieClaireweren’twrongwhentheyhintedthatJessneededtostepoutofhercomfortzoneanddreambigger.
“What’sthatfaceyou’remaking?”FizzydrewanimaginarycirclearoundJess’sexpression.“I’mblankingontheword.”
“This?”Jesspointedtoherownhead.“Defeat?”
Fizzynodded,mumblingaloudasshetyped:“‘Sheglancedawayfromhispenetratinggaze,defeatcoloringherfeaturesamilkygray.’”
“Wow.Thankyou.”
“Iamnotwritingaboutyou.Yourexpressionwasjusttimely.”Shetypedafewmorewords,andthenpickedupherlatte.“AswecoveredinYeOldenDaysofourfriendship,youdonotconsideryourselfaheroineofoneofmyromancenovels,thereforeIwillnevermakeyouanythingbutasidecharacterorvillain.”
Fizzywincedatwhatwasunlikelytobeaveryfreshsip—itwasclearlytimeforhertoreorder—asherwordshitJesslikeaThreeStoogesslap.
Jesssatquietly,reelinginatunnelingawarenessthatherlifewasgoingtopassherbybeforesheknewit.ItwouldbreakherheartifJunoeverstoppedlivinglifetoitsfullest.Sheonlyvaguelyregisteredthatitmustbe8:24whenAmericanostrolledintothecoffeeshop,lookinglikeahotmanwithplacestobeandnotimeforanyofthehoipolloiatTwiggs.Withoutaword,hepluckedatenfromhiswallet,takingthechangefromDanielanddroppingonlythecoinsintothetipjar.Jessstared,overblownirritationrisinghotinherthroat.
He’sashittytipper!ItthrewanotherlogonherPettyReasonsWhyAmericanoIsAwfulmentalfire.
Fizzysnappedinfrontofherface,pullingherattentionbacktotheirtable.“There.You’redoingitagain.”
Jessfrowned.“Doingwhat?”
“Oglinghim.Americano.”Fizzy’sfacesplitintoaknowinggrin.“Youdothinkhe’ssexy.”
“Idonot.Iwasjustspacingout.”Jesspulledback,insulted.“Gross,Felicity.”
“Sure,okay.”Fizzyangledherpointedfingertothemaninquestion,wearingslimdarkjeansandalightweightroyal-bluesweater.Darkhaircurledatthenapeofhisneck,Jessnoticed,theperfectlengthofbarelyovergrown,almost-needs-a-haircuthair.Oliveskin,amouthfullenoughtobite.Sotallthat,whenviewedfromachair,hisheadseemedtoscrapetheceiling.Buthiseyes—now,thosewerethemainevent:expressiveandsoulful,darklylashed.“That’sgross.Whateveryousay.”
Jessshrugged,rattled.“He’snotmytype.”
“Thatmaniseveryone’stype.”Fizzylaughedincredulously.
“Well,youcanhavehim.”Frowning,Jesswatchedhimdohiscustomarywipeofthecondimentbarwithanapkin.“IwasjustthinkinghowIcan’tfathomtheideathathe’sstartingamatchmakingcompany.Thatisn’tsomethinganassholelikethatdoes.”
“Personally,IthinkDanielhasnoideawhathe’stalkingabout.Richmenwholooklikethataretoomarriedtotheirjobsduringthedayandtheirinvestmentportfoliosatnighttothinkaboutanyone’slovelife.”
Americanoturnedfromthecondimentbartoleave.Inaflash,Jess’scuriositybubbledover,andsheimpulsivelycaughthimwithahandaroundhisforearmashepassed.Theybothfroze.Hiseyeswerearare,surprisingcolor,lighterthanshewouldhaveexpectedupclose.Amber,shecouldseenow,notbrown.Theweightofhisfullattentionfeltlikeaphysicalpressureonherchest,pushingtheairoutofherlungs.
“Hey.”Jesschargedforwardthroughvibratingnervesandliftedherchin.“Hangonasecond.Canweaskyousomething?”
Whenshereleasedhim,hepulledhisarmawayslowly,glancingtoFizzy,thenbacktoher.Henoddedonce.
“Rumorhasityou’reamatchmaker,”Jesssaid.
Americanonarrowedhiseyes.“‘Rumor’?”
“Yeah.”
“Inwhatcontextdidthisrumorcomeup?”
Withanincredulouslaugh,Jessgesturedaroundthem.“GroundzeroofUniversityHeightsgossip.TherumormillofParkAvenue.”Shewaited,buthecontinuedtogazedownather,perplexed.“Isittrue?”sheasked.“Areyouamatchmaker?”
“Technically,I’mageneticist.”
“So…”Herbrowsclimbedherforehead.Americanowasapparentlyverycomfortablewithpointedsilence.“Isthata‘no’tomatchmaking?”
Herelentedwithanamusedflickofoneeyebrow.“Mycompanyhasdevelopedaservicethatconnectspeoplebasedonproprietarygeneticprofilingtechnology.”
FizzyOooohed.“Bigwords.Soundsscandalous.”Shebent,scribblinginhernotebook.
“‘Geneticprofilingtechnology’?”Jesswincedathim.“Givesmevagueeugenicsvibes,sorry.”
FizzywasquicktoredirectAmericano’sattentionawayfromJess’sdumpster-firemouth.“Iwriteromance.Thissoundslikemykryptonite.”Sheheldupherpen,shakingitflirtatiously.“Myreaderswouldflipforthisstuff.”
“What’syourpenname?”heasked.
“Iwriteundermyrealname,”shesaid.“FelicityChen.”
Felicityofferedadaintyhandasifforhimtokissand,afterabeatofconfusedhesitation,Americanogrippedherfingertipsforabriefhandshake.
“She’stranslatedinoveradozenlanguages,”Jessbragged,hopingtowipetheoddexpressionoffhisface.
Itdidthetrick;Americanolookedimpressed.“Really.”
“Willtherebeanapp?”Fizzywasrelentless.“IsitlikeTinder?”
“Yes.”Hefrowned.“Butno.It’snotforhookups.”
“Cananyonedoit?”
“Eventually,”hesaid.“It’sa—”Hisphonebuzzedfromhispocket,andhepulleditout,frowndeepening.“Sorry,”hesaid,pocketingitagain.“Ineedtogo,butIappreciateyourinterest.I’msureyou’llhearmoreaboutitsoon.”
Fizzyleanedin,smilingherconfidentsmile.“IhaveoverahundredthousandfollowersonInstagram.I’dlovetosharetheinformationifit’ssomethingmypredominantlyeighteen-to-fifty-five-year-oldfemalereadersmightwanttohear.”
Americano’sforeheadsmoothed,permafrownvanishing.
Bingo.
“We’regoingpublicinMay,”hesaid,“butifyou’dlike,you’rewelcometocometotheoffice,hearthespiel,giveasample—”
“Asample?”Jessblurted.
Shecouldseethesmallhotflashofannoyanceinhiseyeswhentheyflickeredbackovertoher.IfFizzywasflirtycop,Jesswasdefinitelyskepticalcop,andAmericanoseemedtobebarelytoleratingevenFizzy’sgenuinefascination.
HelookedJessintheeye.“Spit.”
Barkingoutalaugh,Jessasked,“Ibegyourpardon?”
“Thesample,”hesaidslowly,“isspit.”
Hiseyesdidacasualsweepofherfromfacetolapandbackup.Insideherchest,herheartdidastrangeflip.
Thenheglanceddownathiswatch.Well.
Fizzylaughedtightlyasshelookedbackandforthbetweenthetwoofthem.“I’msurewecouldbothmanagetospit.”Shegrinned.“Foryou.”
Withawansmile,hedroppedabusinesscardonthetable;itmadeanaudiblethunk.“Noeugenics,”headdedquietly,“Ipromise.”
JESSWATCHEDHIMleave.Thebelloverthedoorgaveasingledisappointedchimeathisdeparture.“Okay,”shesaid,turningbacktoherfriend.“What’stheover/underthathe’savampire?”
Fizzyignoredher,rappingthebusinesscardagainsttheedgeofthetable.“Lookatthis.”
Narrowinghereyes,JesslookedbackoutthewindowasAmericanogotintoasleekblackAudiatthecurb.“Hewastryingtocompelme.”
“Thiscardislegit.”Fizzysquintedatit,turningitinherhand.“Hedidn’tgetthisshitmadeatKinko’s.”
“‘Spit,’”Jessmimickedinadeep,clippedvoice.“God,heisdefinitelynotinmarketingbecausethatmanhaszerocharisma.Putapininthispredictionandlet’scirclebacktoitwhenI’mninety:he’sthemostarrogantpersonI’llmeetinthislifetime.”
“Willyoustopobsessingabouthim?”
JesstookthebusinesscardfromFizzy.“Willyoustopobsessingaboutthiscar—”Shestopped,weighingitsimpressiveheftinherhand.“Wow.Itisreallythick.”
“Itoldyouso.”
Jessflippeditovertoexaminethelogo:twointerconnectedcircleswithadoublehelixastheirpointofcontact.Onthefront,Americano’srealnameinsmall,raisedsilverlettersatthebottom.“That’snotwhatIwouldhaveguessed.HelookslikeaRichard.OrmaybeanAdam.”
“HelookslikeaKeanu.”
“Braceyourself.”ShelookedupatFizzyandsmirked.“Americano’snameisDr.RiverPe?a.”
“Ohno,”Fizzysaid,exhaling.“That’sahotname,Jess.”
Jesslaughed;FelicityChenwaswonderfullypredictable.
“Eh,themanmakesthename,nottheotherwayaround.”
“Incorrect.Nomatterhowhottheman,thenameGreggwithtwoGswillneverbesexy.”Fizzysankdeeperintoherchair,flushed.“HowweirdwoulditbeifInamedmynexthero‘River’?”
“Very.”
FizzywroteitdownanywayasJessreadthecompanynamealoud.“GeneticAlly?GeneticAlly?”Sherolledthewordaroundinhermouthbeforeitclicked.“Oh,Igetit.Saidlike‘genetically’butwiththecapitalAfor‘ally.’Listentothistagline:‘Yourfutureisalreadyinsideyou.’Wow.”Shesetthecarddownandleanedback,grinning.“‘Insideyou’?Didanyonereadthatoutloudfirst?”
“We’regoing,”Fizzysaid,ignoringJess’ssnarkandpackingupherbag.
Jessstaredather,eyeswide.“Areyouserious?Rightnow?”
“YouhavemorethanfivehoursbeforeyouhavetogetJuno.LaJollaisahalf-hourdrive.”
“Fizzy,hedidn’tseemexactlythrilledtotalktousaboutit.Hecouldn’twaittogetoutofhere.”
“Sowhat?Consideritresearch:Ihavegottoseethisplace.”
THEREWEREONLYfourcarsintheexpansiveparkinglot,andwithachuckle,FizzyparkedhernewbutsensibleblueCamryalongsideRiver’sgleamingAudi.
ShegrinnedatJessacrosstheleatherconsole.“Readytofindyoursoulmate?”
“Iamnot.”ButFizzywasalreadyoutofthecar.
Jessclimbedout,lookingupatthetwo-storybuildingaheadofthem.Shehadtoadmit:itwasimpressive.Thepolishedwood-slatfa?adeborethecompanyname,GeneticAlly,ingiantbrushed-aluminumletters;thesecondfloorboastedmodern,unfinishedconcreteandbright,widewindows.Thetwo-ringDNAlogowasprintedonthebroadfrontdoors,whichsweptoutwardwhenFizzygaveagentletug.JessandFizzysteppedintoanupscaleanddesertedlobby.
“Whoa,”Fizzywhispered.“Thisisweird.”
Theirfootstepsechoedacrossthefloorastheymadetheirwaytoagiantmarble-slabdeskpracticallyafootballfieldawayfromtheentrance.Everythingscreamedexpensive;theywereabsolutelybeingfilmedbyatleastfivesecuritycameras.
“Hi.”Awomanlookedupatthem,smiling.Shealsolookedexpensive.“CanIhelpyou?”
Fizzy,neveroutofherdepth,leanedherforearmsagainstthedesk.“We’reheretoseeRiverPe?a.”
Thereceptionistblinked,checkingthecalendarwithawild,panickedgaze.“Isheexpectingyou?”JessgrewpainfullyawarethatsheandFizzymayhavejuststrolledinandaskedtoseethepersonwholiterallyrantheplace.
“No,”JessadmittedjustasFizzygaveanentitled“Heis.”
FizzwavedJessoff.“YoucantellhimFelicityChenandherassociatearehere.”
Jesscoughedoutalaugh,andthewaryreceptionistgesturedtoaguestlog.“Okay,well,pleasegoaheadandsignin.AndI’llneedtoseeyourIDs.Areyouhereforapresentation?”Shejotteddowntheinfofromtheiridentification.
Jessfrowned.“Awhat?”
“Imean—hasherecruitedyouforDNADuo?”sheasked.
“DNADuo.That’stheone.”Fizzygrinneddownasshewrotetheirnamesinthelog.“Hesawtwobeautifulsingleladiesinthecoffeeshopandjustbeggedustocomespitintovials.”
“Fizz.”Forthethousandthtime,Jesswonderedwhethershe’dalwaysfollowFizzyaroundlikeabroomanddustpansweepingupchaos.BeingaroundFizzymadeJessfeelsimultaneouslymorealiveandduller.
ThereceptionistreturnedapolitesmilealongwiththeirIDs,andindicatedtheyshouldtakeaseat.“I’llletDr.Pe?aknowyou’rehere.”
Overontheredleathercouches,Jesssworeitfeltliketheirswerethefirstbuttstoeversitdown.Therewasliterallynodustanywhere,nohintthatanotherbodyhadevertouchedthisfurniture.“Thisisweird,”shewhispered.“Arewesurethisisn’tafrontforsomeorgan-harvestingcult?”Shecarefullyfingeredatidystackofsciencejournals.“Theyalwaysusetheprettyonesasbait.”
“Dr.Pe?a.”Fizzypulledouthernotebookandcoylylickedthetipofherpen.“I’mdefinitelynamingaheroafterhimnow.”
“IfIleavewithonlyonekidney,”Jesssaid,“I’mcomingforoneofyours.”
Fizzytappedherpenagainstthepaper.“IwonderifaRiverPe?awouldhaveabrother.Luis.Antonio…”
“Andallofthiscostsmoney.”Jessranahandoverthesuppleleather.“Howmanykidneysdoyouthinkacouchlikethisisworth?”Shepulledoutherphoneandtypedintothesearchbar,hermouthagapeattheresults.“AccordingtoGoogle,thegoingrateforasinglekidneyis$262,000.WhyamIworking?Icouldsurvivewithonlyone,right?”
“JessicaDavis,yousoundlikeyou’veneverleftyourhousebefore.”
“You’retheonebuildinghisfictionalfamilytree!Whatareweevendoinghere?”
“FindingTheOne?”Fizzysaid,andthensmiledslylyather.“Orgettingsomefreakyintelforabook.”
“Youhavetoadmityoudon’tlookatDr.RiverPe?aandthink,‘Now,there’saromanticsoul.’”
“No,”Fizzconceded,“butIdolookathimandthink,‘Ibethe’sgotafantasticpenis.’Didyouseethesizeofhishands?Hecouldcarrymebythehead,likeabasketball.”
Athroatcleared,andtheylookeduptofindRiverPe?astandingnottwofeetaway.“Well,youtwosuredidn’twasteanytime.”
Jess’sstomachfellthroughthefloor,andthewordscreakedoutofher:“Ohshit.”
“DidyouhearwhatIjustsaid?”Fizzyasked.
Heletoutaslow,controlledexhale.He’dtotallyheard.“Hearwhat?”hemanaged,finally.
Fizzystood,pullingJessupwithher.“Excellent.”ShegaveRiveradaintycurtsy.“Takeusaway.”THREE
THEYFOLLOWEDHIMthroughasetofsteriledoubledoorsanddownalonghall,withofficescomingofftherightsideeveryfewyards.Eachdoorhadahammeredstainlesssteelplacardandaname:LisaAddams.SanjeevJariwala.DavidMorris.RiverPe?a.TiffanyFujita.BrandonButkis.
JessglancedovertoFizzy,who,predictably,wasalreadyonit:“Buttkiss,”shewhispered,delighted.
Throughoneopenofficedoor,JesssawabroadwindowdisplayingaviewoftheLaJollashoreline.Lessthanamileaway,gullsswoopeddownoverwhite-cappedwater,andwavescrashedviolentlyagainstrockycliffs.Itwasspectacular.
Theannualleaseonthispropertyhadtobeatleastakidneyandahalf.
Thetriotrompedalonginsilence,reachingasetofelevators.RiverpushedtheUpbuttonwithalongindexfinger,andthenstaredwordlesslyahead.
Thesilencegrewheavy.“Howlonghaveyouworkedhere?”Jessasked.
“Sinceitwasfounded.”
Helpful.Shetriedagain.“Howmanyemployeesarethere?”
“Aboutadozen.”
“It’sashameyou’renotinmarketing,”Jesssaidwithasmile.“Suchcharm.”
Riverturnedtolookather,andhisexpressionsentacoldwashofsensationdownherarms.“Yes,well.Luckilymytalentslieelsewhere.”Hisgazelingeredonhersforjustabeattoolong,andthesensationturnedintowarmstaticjustastheelevatordoorsopened.
FizzyelbowedhersharplyintheribsSexythings,shewasclearlythinking.
Assassinthings,Jessmentallyreplied.
Forallofthepromisesofexploitingthisgreatresearchopportunity,Fizzywasuncharacteristicallyquiet;maybeshewasalsocowedbyRiver’srigidpresence.ItmeanttherestoftheslowelevatorridewasaswordlessasthebleakcenterofSiberia.Whentheysteppedout,Jesswatchedherbestfriendbeginscribblingnoteafternoteabout—shepresumed—thebuilding;thehandfulofbuttoned-upscientiststheypassedinthesecondhallway;River’scomposedpace,perfectposture,andvisiblymuscularthighs.Meanwhile,Jessgrewincreasinglyself-consciousabouttheobnoxioussqueakofhersneakersonthelinoleumandtherelativedumpinessofheroutfit.Fizzywasdressedlikesheusuallywas—anadorablepolkadotsilkblouseandpenciltrousers—andRiverwasdressedasheusuallywas—aglossymagazineversionofbusinesscasual.Ithadn’toccurredtoJessthatmorningasshe’dhurriedlypulledonathreadbareUCLAsweatshirt,someoldLevi’s,andapairofscuffedVansthatshewouldlaterbestrollingdownahallwayinthemostwell-heeledpartofbiotechLaJolla.
Attheendofthehallwasanopendoorleadingintoaconferenceroom.Riverpausedandgesturedforthemtowalkinaheadofhim.
“Haveaseatinhere,”hesaid.“Lisawilljoinyoumomentarily.”
FizzyglancedtoJessandthenbacktoRiver.“Who’sLisa?”
“She’stheheadofcustomerrelationsandtheleadonourappdevelopment.She’llexplainthetechnologyandthematchingprocess.”
Franklythiswholethinghadbecomeaboatloadofconfusingsecrecy.“You’renotstaying?”Jessasked.
Helookedaffronted,likeshe’dsuggestedhewasthecompanywaterboy.“No.”Withavaguesmile,heturnedandcontinueddownthehallway.Ass
Onlyacoupleofminuteslater,abrunettewalkedin.Shehadthesun-kissed,faux-no-makeup,beachy-wavedlookofperpetuallyactiveSouthernCalifornianswhocouldthrowonashapelessmuumuuandlookstylish.
“Hey!”Shestrodeforward,reachingtoshaketheirhands.“I’mLisaAddams.HeadofcustomerrelationsforGeneticAlly.I’msogladyoucamein!Ihaven’tgiventhispresentationtosuchasmallgroupyet,this’llbeablast.Areyoutwoready?”
Fizzynoddedenthusiastically,butJesswasstartingtofeelabitlikeshe’dbeendroppedintoaworldwhereshewastheonlyonenotinonanimportantsecret.“Wouldyoumindshowingmetotherestroombeforewestart?”sheasked,wincinglightly.“Coffee.”
Withanothersmile,LisagaveJessdirectionsthatseemedsimpleenough.Jesspassedastretchoflargedoorwayswithadistinctlaboratoryvibe.OnewaslabeledSAMPLEPREP.ThenextwasDNASEQUENCERS,followedbyANALYSIS1,ANALYSIS2,andSERVERS.Finally:analcovewithrestrooms.
Eventhetoiletswerefuturistic.Jesswashonestlynotsurehowtofeelaboutapublicbidet,butthereweresomanybuttonsonthething—andhey,warmwater—shedecidedtorollwithit.Acheckofherreflectionwhileshewashedherhandsinformedherthatshehadn’tputmakeuponthatmorningandlookedhaggardandfrazzled,eveninthedimyetflatteringlight.Great
Onthewayback,herattentionwassnaggedbyanopendoor.Ithadbeenforeversinceshe’dbeeninarealscientificsetting,andnostalgiapulsedinthebackofhermind.PeekingintotheroomlabeledSAMPLEPREP,Jesssawalongstretchoflabbenchesandanassortmentofmachineswithkeypadsandflashingfull-colordigitaldisplayslikesomethingoutofamovie.
AndthensheheardRiver’squiet,deepvoice:“Isn’tthereanother10Xbottleofextractionbuffer?”
“Wehavesomeonorder,”anothermanreplied.“IthinkIhaveenoughtofinishthisset.”
“Good.”
“DidIhearyouhadtwopeoplecomeinforademo?”
“Yes,”Riversaid.“Twowomen.Oneofthemisapparentlyanauthorwithalargeonlinepresence.”
TherewasapausethatJessassumedheldsomewordlesscommunication.
“Idon’tknow,man,”Riversaid.“Iwasjusttryingtogetmycoffee,soIsuggestedtheycomeinsoLisacouldhandleit.”
Well.
“Gotit,”theothervoicesaid.“Iftheysendinkits,I’llruntheminquadruplicatewithsomereferencesequences.”
“Theremaybetimessoonaftertherolloutthatweonlyhaveahandfulofsamplesatatime,sothis’llbeagoodtrialforthat.”
“True.”
ShewasjustabouttoturnandwalkbacktotheconferenceroomwhensheheardRiversaywithalaugh,“—anopportunitytoprovethatthere’ssomeoneoutthereforeveryone.”
Theothermanasked,“Ugly?”
“No,notugly.”JessimmediatelydecidedtoreceivethisasRiver’sversionofacompliment,untilheadded:“Entirelyaverage.”
Sherearedback,palmtochestingenuineoffense,andstartledwhenavoicecamefrombehindher.“DidyouwantalabtourafteryourmeetingwithLisa?”
ThemanbehindherheldhishandsupasJesswheeledonhimlikeshemightthrowapunch.Hewastallandthinandlookedlikeeveryactorineverymovieplayingascientist:Caucasian,glasses,neededahaircut.HewasJeffGoldblum,ifJeffGoldblumwerealsoBenedictCumberbatch.
Shewasn’tsurewhetherhewasgenuinelyofferingheratourorsubtlychastisingherforeavesdropping.
“Oh.No,”shesaid,“it’sokay.Sorry.Iwasjustonmywaybackfromtherestroomsandtookapeek.”
Smiling,heheldouthishand.“DavidMorris.”
Jessshookittentatively.“Jessica.”
“Wehaven’thadclientsintheofficesforawhile.It’snicetoseeafreshface.”Ashesaidthis,hiseyesdidaquicksweepdownherbodyandbackup.“You’redoingtheDNADuo?”
Sheresistedtheurgetocrossherarmsoverherchesttohidethefactthatshe’dcometothishigh-enddatingservicelookinglikeahungovercollegekid.“Ihaven’tdecidedyet.I’mherewithmybestfriend.She’saromanceauthorandcompletelylosthermindwhenAmericano—Dr.Pe?a,sorry—mentionedthebusinesstousthismorning.”
Davidgesturedforhertoleadthembothbacktotheconferenceroom.“Well,Ihopeyoufindthetechnologycompelling.”
Jessforcedapolitesmile.“I’msurewewill.”
Davidstoppedatthethresholdtotheconferenceroom.“Itwasnicetomeetyou,Jessica.Ifyouneedanythingelse,pleasefeelfreetoreachout.”
Withanothertightsmile,Jesspusheddownherbubblinguneasiness.“Iabsolutelywill.”
SHERETURNEDTOtheconferenceroomfeelingroughlytenpercentfrumpierthanshehadbefore.Whichwastosay,scrapingthebottomofthebarrel.FizzyandLisawerechattingaboutthebenefitsanddrawbacksofvariousdatingapps,buttheystraightenedlikethey’dbeenbustedwhenJesswalkedbackin.Withouteitherofthemhavingtosayit,JessknewsheabsolutelylookedthepartofthefriendwhohadbeendraggedalongtothisandwouldmuchratherbewatchingNetflixonhercouch.
“Readytogetstarted?”Lisaasked,swipingthroughamenuonaniPad.Theroomdimmedandamassivescreendescendedfromtheceilingwithasofthum.
Fizzyplayedherrole,“Hellyes!”soJessplayedhers,too:“Sure,whynot.”
Lisastrodetothefrontofthelargeroomwithconfidence,likeshewasspeakingtoacrowdoffiftyinsteadoftwo.
“Whatareyourgoals,”shebegan,“asfarasromanticrelationshipsgo?”
JessturnedexpectantlytoFizzy,whohadturnedexpectantlytoJess.
“Okay,well,IguessI’lltakethefirstshot,”Fizzysaid,scoffingatJess’sblankexpression.“I’mthirty-four,andIenjoydating.Alot.ButIsupposeI’lleventuallysettledown,havesomekids.Italldependsontheperson.”
Lisanodded,smilinglikethiswasaperfectanswer,andthenturnedtoJess
“I…”shebegan,flailingalittle.“Iassumethere’ssomeoneoutthereforme,butI’mnotreallyinarushtofindhim.I’mabouttoturnthirty.Ihaveadaughter;Idon’thavealotoftime.”Shruggingvaguely,shemumbled,“Idon’treallyknow.”
ClearlyLisawasusedtopeoplewithabitmoredrive,butsherolledoutherspielanyway.“Haveyoueverwonderedwhatasoulmatetrulyis?”sheasked.“Isloveaqualityyoucanquantify?”
“Oooh,goodquestion.”Fizzyleanedin.Hook,line,andsinker.
“Here,webelieveitis,”Lisasaid.“MatchmakingthroughDNAtechnologyisexactlywhatweofferhereatGeneticAlly,throughtheDNADuo.GeneticAllywasofficiallyfoundedsixyearsago,buttheconceptoftheDNADuowasfirstconceivedinthelabofDr.DavidMorrisattheSalkInstitutebackin2003.”Lisaswipedfromthefirstimage—theDNADuologo—toanaerialviewoftheSalk,astarkcollectionoffuturisticbuildingsjustuptheroad.“Theideaofgeneticmatchmakingisnotnew,butfewcompanieshavebeenabletocreateanythingevenafractionasextensiveaswhatDr.Morrisandhisgraduatestudent,RiverPe?a,designed.”
JessglancedatFizzy,wholookedbackather.IfRiverandhismentorinventedallofthis,Jessfiguredshecouldn’tgivehimtoomuchshitforbeingaterriblepitchman.
Evenifshecouldgivehimshitforbeingabitofanasshole.
Lisacontinued:“ThereasontheDNADuohasbeensosuccessfulatidentifyinggenuinelovematchesisthattheideadidn’tstartwithDNA.”Shepauseddramatically.“Itstartedwithpeople.”
Jessstifledaneyerollastheslidebecameanimated,zoomingawayfromtheSalkresearchbuildingsandalongastreettoacollectionofcomputer-generatedcoedsstandingonthepatioofabar,laughingandtalking.
“Dr.Pe?afirstaskedwhetherhecouldfindacomplementarypatternintheDNAoftwopeoplewhoareattractedtoeachother.”Lisa’sslidezoomedinonacouplespeakingclosely,flirtatiously.“Thatis,areweprogrammedtofindcertainpeopleattractive,andcanwepredictwhichtwopeoplewillbeattractedtoeachotherbeforetheyevermeet?”Shegrinned.“InastudyofoveronethousandstudentsfromUCSanDiego,aseriesofnearlyfortygeneswerefoundtobetightlycorrelatedwithattraction.Dr.Pe?athenpointedthelabintheoppositedirectiontolookintolastinghappiness.Couldhefindageneticprofileofpeoplewhohadbeenhappilymarriedforlongerthanadecade?”
Lisaswipedtheanimationforwardtoshowanoldercomputer-generatedcouplesittingonacouch,cuddling.Theviewzoomedbacktoshowaneighborhood,andthenacity,andthenfartheruntilthecitymaplookedlikeadouble-helixstrandofDNA.“Fromastudyofoverthreehundredcouples,”Lisacontinued,“Dr.Pe?afoundnearlytwohundredgenesthatwerelinkedtoemotionalcompatibilitylong-term,includingthesamefortygenesassociatedwithattraction,aswellasmanyotherpreviouslyuncorrelatedones.”Shepaused,lookingatthem.“ThiswasonlythefirstgenerationoftheDNADuo.”
BesideJess,Fizzywassittingupatfullattention,completelypluggedin.ButJesswasskeptical.WhatLisawasdescribingwasessentiallyaslotmachinewithtwohundredreels.Statisticallyspeaking,landingontherightcombinationwasanabsurdlylow-probabilityevent.EvenifGeneticAllywasjustlookingforpatterncompatibility,withthenumberofvariantsofeverygeneinthehumangenome,thistypeofalgorithmwassocomplexastobenearlyimpossibletocalculatemanually.Shecouldn’tseehowtheywouldbegintoprocesstheamountofdatatheywerefacing.
Lisaseemedtoreadhermind.“Twohundredisalotofgenes,andthehumangenomeismadeupofatleasttwentythousand.Ofcourse,notallofthese—maybenotevenmost—areinvolvedinouremotionalsatisfaction.ButDrs.Pe?aandMorriswantedtofindeverylastone.Theydidn’tjustwanttoidentifycompatibility,theywantedtohelpyoufindyoursoulmate.WhichisexactlywhyDr.Pe?acollaboratedwithCaltechtodevelopanoveldeepneuralnetwork.”
Sheletthesewordssinkinastheslidebecameanimatedagain,divingintothedoublehelix,highlightingbasefragmentsasitwhizzedalongthelengthoftheDNAstrand.
“Thisprojecthasencompassedpersonalitytests,brainscans,longitudinalstudiesofrelationshipsuccess,and—yes—welloveronehundredthousandsamplesrunthroughDNAsequencingandanalysis.”Shelookedeachofthemdeadintheeye.“Theinvestorshaveputoverthirtymilliondollarsintothetechnologyalone.Theappdevelopershaveinvestedalmostfivemillion.DoIthinkwehaveatrulygroundbreakingsystem?”Shenodded.“Betweenus?Inallhonesty?Ido.”
Swipingforward,sheliftedherchintothescreen,whereawomanstoodaloneagainstastarkwhitebackdrop.“Here’showitworks.We’vedevelopedakitlikemanygeneticprofilingcompanies,which,verysoon,customerswillbeabletoorderbymail.Wehavekitshereforpurchase,ifyou’reinterested.”
JesscouldsenseFizzyitchingtopullouthercreditcard.Lisapickedupasmallboxonthetable;itwaswhite,thesimpleDNADuologoprintedinrainbowcolors.“Oncewefullylaunch,clientswillsendintheirsampleforanalysisbyourDNADuoalgorithm,whichnowcombinesfindingsfromoverthirty-fivehundredgenes.Oncereceived,analysistakesonlyaboutthreedaysfortheresultstoloadintoyourDNADuoapp.Whileyouwait,youcanenterinformationaboutyourselfinyourprofile—thesamewaythatyouwouldonotherdatingsites.Informationaboutyourage,location,profession—whateveryouwantpeopletoknowaboutyou.Onceyourresultsarein,we’llsharewithyouthecompatibilityscoresbasedonthecriteriayou’vechosen.”
Jessswallowedaudibly.Allofthissoundedso…thorough.
Theslidenowshowedtwopeoplestandingsidebysidebeforethesameemptybackdrop.“Throughrigorousanalysis,we’vecreatedscoringbins.Thatis,wegroupthescoresbasedonhowtightlytheycorrelatetorelationshipsuccess.Ifyoupulltworandompeopleoffthestreettoseewhetherthey’recompatible,you’relookingatascoreonaveragebetweensevenandtwenty-fouronourDNADuoalgorithm.Thesescoresareoutofonehundred,sotwenty-fourisn’tideal,butit’snotzero,either.WecallthesescoresBaseMatches.”
“Aretherealotofthose?”Fizzyasked.
“Oh,yes,”Lisasaid.“AlargemajorityofrandompairingstestedagainsteachotherareBaseMatches.Now”—sheswipedforward,andthetwopeopleturnedtowardeachother,smiling—“attractionisfrequentlyreportedbetweencoupleswithscoresoftwenty-fivetofifty,butwhenwefollowthemlong-term,theseindividualsrarelyfindlastingemotionalcompatibility.WecalltheseSilverMatches,andsomeoftheindividualsinourbetatestinghavechosentoexploretheserelationships.”Lisashrugged,grinning,clearlybreakingfromscript.“Goodsexisgoodsex,right?”
Fizzynoddedenthusiastically,butJessonlygaveavagueshrug.“What’syourthresholdfor‘rarely,’whenyousaytheyrarelyfindlastingcompatibility?”
Lisasmiled.“Basedonourinitialstudies,onlyoneSilverMatchineverythreehundredlastsbeyondthetwo-yearthresholdweconsiderlong-term.Buthere’swhereitgetsfun,”shesaid,straightening.Anewcoupleappearedonthescreen,holdinghandsastheywalkedforwardtogether.“GoldMatchesarecoupleswithascoreoffiftytosixty-five.AthirdofGoldMatcheswillfindalastingrelationshiptogether.Thatnumbershootsuptotwo-thirdswithascoreofsixty-sixtoeighty—whatwecallaPlatinumMatch.”
“Wow,”Fizzywhispered,staringatthenewcouplelaughingtogetheroveranintimatecandlelitdinner.“That’sahugejump.”
Lisanodded.“Butthreeoutoffourcouplesfindlong-termlovewithscoresofeightytoninety,”shesaid.“Andthosearethematcheswehopetoeventuallyfindforeveryoneinourdatabase.”Sheswipedaheadtoacouplegettingmarriedunderabroadarchofflowers.“WecallthemTitanium.”
Admittedly,Jesshadtohidehershockoverthatstatistic.Itwasimpressive.Shestillhadaboutamillionquestions,though,andgesturedtothecoupleintheweddingscenario;thewomanwasAsian,themanofMiddleEasterndescent.“ItseemsfromyourmarketingtoolsthatDNADuodoesn’thaveanethnicitybias.”
“Correct.It’saboutfindingasoulmatebasedonasetofbiologicalmarkers.Whiletherearesomegeneticvariantsfoundacrossdifferentethnicities,thistechnologyisaboutDNA-levelcompatibility,notsymmetry.Nottoputtootechnicalapointonit,butinmanycases,compatibilityisstrongerwhenthetwoindividualshavedifferentgeneticmarkers,ratherthanthesame.Andkeepinmind,theDNADuocan’ttakeculturalinfluencesintoaccount,sotheimportanceofallofthisinformationhastobeweighedbytheclientpersonally.Clientscanindicateanyandalldesiredcriteriaintheirintakeform—culturalbackground,religion,etcetera.Thealgorithmdiscountsanycompatibilityfindingsthatdon’tfallwithintheirprescribedcriteria.”
“SoifI’mgay?”
“Sure.”Lisadidn’thesitate.“Onyourintakeform,youcanselecttoseefemalematches,malematches,nonbinarymatches,oralloftheabove.Asacompany,wedon’tdiscriminatebasedonrace,culturalidentity,gender,sexualorientation,orreligion,andtheDNADuodoesn’t,either.OnlyahandfulofthecompatibilitysequencesignaturesarelocatedontheXorYchromosomes;certainlynotenoughtonullifythedatasetifaparticularsexualgenotypeisexcluded.”
Jessleanedbackinherchair,admittedly—andunexpectedly—impressed.
“Sorry,onemorequestion,”Fizzysaid.“Yousaidtoconsiderthecompatibilityscoresasonetoonehundred…Haveyoueverseenascorehigherthanninety?”
Lisasmiledgenuinely.“Onlythreetimes.”
“And?”Jess’sheartstartedslammingagainstherbreastbone.Herbrainimaginedadifferentslotmachinenow,onewith3,500rows,andasinglepullthatlinedupnearlyeverysinglecherry.
Forthefirsttimesinceshewalkedintotheroom,Lisaletthehypercompetentsurfer-executivefa?adedrop.Shelookedyoung,andhopeful,andawestruck:“That’swhatgivesmethemostconfidenceinthiscompany.Yes,threeisalownumber,butthecoupleswho’vetestedaboveninetyarethethreecoupleswho’vescoredthehighestonemotionalstability,communicationandcollaboration,andsexualsatisfaction.They’reDiamondMatches.Dowewantmoreofthose?Ofcourse.Imean,theDNADuohasbeentestedononehundredandfortythousandpeopleandfullyvalidatedinnearlytwentythousandcouples.Thatisanenormousstudyforastart-upofthissize,butthereareatleastfivemillionpeopleonHingeandanestimatedfiftymillionpeopleonTinder.Untilwecangetthewholeworldofdatainourserver,wewon’tknowhowmanyDiamondMatchesarereallyoutthere.”FOUR
FIZZYWASCALLING
Fizzynevercalled.
Soeventhoughitwas8:13,andJesswassupposedtohaveJunoatschoolintwominutes,andhadyettofeedherchildorhaveasinglesipofcoffee,andhadameetingdowntownat9:30,andwasbarelydressed,sheanswered.
“Younevercall,”Jesssaid.
“Thisappisinsane,”Fizzysaid.
Junoranout,stillinherpajamas.“I’mreadyforbreakfast!”
Tiltingherphoneawayfromhermouth,Jesswhispered,“Youneedtowearactualclothing,mylove.”
Herdaughtergroanedasshestompedbacktoherbedroom.
“I’m—”Fizzysaid,andthenpaused.“Okay,goodpoint.Thisshirtisprettytransparent.”Anotherpause.“Wait,howdidyouknowwhatI’mwearing?”
“Iwastalkingtomykid,”Jesssaid,laughing.“Whatisthisabouttheappbeinginsane?Whatapp?”
“I’vegottentwenty-threematchessincemyDNADuoresultscameinthismorning.”
Jessdidthequickmentalmath—it’donlybeentwodayssincetheirvisittothesite.EitherGeneticAllywasinsanelyefficient,oritwasn’trunningmanysamplesthesedays.Shehadtoadmit,begrudgingly,thatanycompanythatinvestedinauniqueneuralnetworkwastakingitsdataseriously.
“Twenty-three?”Shepouredacupofcoffee,andPigeonwoundherwaybetweenJess’slegs,purring.Jessmadethemistakeofbrieflylookingdownatthecat,andhercupoverfilled,poolingcoffeeonthecountertop.Cursing,sheleanedovertoopenthefrontdoor,lettingPigeonout,thenduginadrawerforadishtowel.“That’salotofsoulmates.”
“Icastaprettywidenet,”Fizzyagreed.“Isaidanythingaboveascoreofthirteen.”
“Thirteen?”
“It’sfuntojustseewhathappenswhenyoudateguyswithnoexpectations.”
Coffeedrippedfromthecounterontothefloor,soakingthroughJess’sluckysocks.“Goddammit.”
“It’sjustapotentiallyterribledate,notplasticsurgery.”
“Iwasn’tgoddammittingyou,Ispilledcoffee.”
“Thinkofitasacharacterstudy,”Fizzywaxedon.“Whathappenswhenyouputtwocompletelyincompatiblepeopletogether?Willtheybeattheodds?Orcomeoutfighting…eachother?”Shepaused,andJessimaginedherfriendreachingforhernotebook.Aweirdalertsoundedinthebackground.“Twenty-four!”
Junowanderedintothekitchendressedforschool,butherhairremainedabird’snest.“Mama,canIhaveasmoothie?”
“Baby,gobrushyourhair.”
“IassumeyouweretalkingtoJunoagain,”Fizzysaiddistractedly.
“CanI,Mama?”
“Iwas,”JesssaidtoFizzy,andthen,“andyes,Junebug,I’llmakeone,butgobrushyourhairandyourteeth,too,please.”Backinthekitchen,Jessglancedattheclockandgroaned.Shepulledabasketofstrawberriesfromthefridge.
“Okay,”Fizzysaid,“IhavealunchdatetodaywithAidenB.,aBaseMatchwithascoreofthirteen,andadinnerdatetomorrowwithAntonioR.,alsoaBaseMatch,twenty-one.”
“Don’teverletanyonetellyouyou’renotadventurous.”
“Mom,”Junocalledfromthebathroom.“Remember,don’tletPigeonoutbecausethegardenerisheretoday!”
Jesswhirledaroundandstaredoutthefrontwindow,acrossthecat-lesscourtyard,anddownthepathtotheopengate.
“Fizz,I’vegottajet.”
ONEEXPLODEDBLENDER,onefour-blockcatchase,twochangesofclothes(Jess’s),oneimpossiblydouble-knottedsneaker(Juno’s),andonetardydrop-offlater,JunowasatschoolandJesswasfinallyhustlingherassdowntown.AhugemeetingwithJenningsGrocerythatmorning,twopotentialnewclientsintheafternoon,andthenaschoolmeetingatsix.Marathon,butdoable.ButwhywasitthenatureoftheuniversethatonthedayJesswasalreadyrunningbehind,therewasanaccidentonthe5,adetouratherexit,andnotasingleparkingspacetobefound?ShepassedrowafterrowofluxurysedansandwasbeginningtowonderwhethereveryrichpersoninSanDiegowasintheGaslampatthesametime,butthen,huzzah:herprayerswereansweredbyaflashofreverselightstoherright.Sherolledforward,flippingonherblinker.Reliefpumpedadrenalinethroughherbloodstreamliketherewasanactualprizeforparking,ratherthananintensemeetingwithsomeclientsshewasfairlysurewantedtocherry-picktheirdatatomatchtheirannualprojections.
ButjustasJessmovedherfoottotheacceleratortopullin,ablacksedanswervedaroundthebendfromthenextrowover,glidingintothespotwithanimpressiveFast&Furiousscreech.
Smackingthesteeringwheel,Jessyelledanaggravated“Oh,comeon!”
Shethrewherhandsuppassive-aggressively,hopingthedriversawandfeltlikeanassholefortakingthespotfromawomanwho’dneverdoneanythingmoreselfishthaneatthelastDingDongandblameitonhergrandfather.Exaggerationsaside,Jess—alwaysabletokeephercoolbehindthewheel—wasonthevergeoflayingaheavyhandonherhorn.Butthenthecardooropened,andoneimpossiblylonglegstretchedout,wrappedinpressedcharcoaltrousersandcappedbyashinyleathershoe.Therewassomethingabouttheshouldersthatemerged,thepoise…andthenithither.Jessdidn’tneedtoseehisfacetoknow,becausethiswasn’tjustanyblacksedan,itwasablackAudi.HisblackAudi.
RiverPe?astoleherparkingspot.
Sheleanedoutherwindow,shouting,“Hey!”Buthewasalreadywalkingbrisklydownthesidewalkanddidn’tbothertoturnaround.
Jessspottedanothercarbackingoutafewrowsaway,andwincedattheaudiblesquealofhertiresassheboltedaroundtheturn.Readytolayonherhornlestanyonedaretakethisspot,shepulledin,shovedhercarintopark,grabbedeverythingsheneeded,andshuffle-joggedinheelsandherfittedskirttowardtheentrance.
Nearlytenminuteslatenow,butlasttimeJenningshadbeenrunningfifteenminutesbehind,andshecouldalreadyseetheelevatorsontheothersideoftheglassdoors.Shejustmightmakeit…
AndwhowasstandingattheelevatorbutRiverPe?a?Jesswatchedhimreachforward,pressingthebutton.
Thelightaboveitblinkedon,thedoorsslidopen.Hetookastepforward,andJessclutchedherlaptoptoherchest,breakingintoasprint.
“Holdit,please!”
Turning,heglancedoverhisshoulderandthendisappearedintotheelevator
“Motherfucker!”Jessmumbled.
JenningsGroceryheadquarterswasonlythreefloorsup,soinsteadofwaiting,shetookthestairs.Twoatatime.Visiblyoutofbreathwhenshejoggedfromthestairwellintothehallway,Jessimmediatelycollidedwithabrickwallofaman.Fortherecord,hesmelledamazing.Itwasinfuriating.
“Careful,”hemurmured,eyesonhisphoneashesteppedaroundher,continuingdownthehall.
ButJesshadreachedtheboilingpoint:“Americano!”
Hesitatingonlybriefly,heturned.Hisdarkhairfelloveroneeyeandhebrusheditaside.“I’msorry?”
“Apologynotaccepted.Youtookmyparkingspot.”
“Itookyour—?”
“Andyoudidn’tholdtheelevator,”shesaid.“I’mrunninglate,yousawme,andyoudidn’tbothertoholdthedoor.”
“Ididn’tseeyou.”Heletoutashort,incredulouslaugh.“Maybeyoushouldleavealittleearliernexttime.”
“Wow.Youreallyareanasshole.”
Hefrowned,studyingher.“Doweknoweachother?”
“Areyoukidding?”Shepointedtoherchest.“Twiggs?Spitinavial?Entirelyaverage?Anyofthatringabell?”
Comprehensionwasaweatherfrontthatmovedacrosshisface.Surprise,recognition,embarrassment.
“I…”Hiseyesflickeredoverherandthendownthehallasiftheremightbereinforcementscomingatanymoment.“Youwere…completelyunrecognizable.Ididn’tknowitwasyou.”
Forthelifeofher,Jesscouldn’tfigureoutifthatwasasickburnorabackhandedcompliment.
“I’msorry,Idon’trecallyourname,Ms.…?”heaskedevenly.
“You’veneverknownit.”
Andtherewasthelookthatdelightedher—theonethatsaidhewasbarelytoleratingtheconversation.Breakingeyecontact,hefinallyglanceddownathiswatch.“Yousaidsomethingaboutrunninglate?”
Shit!
Jesspushedpasthim,joggingtenfeetdownthehalltoSuite303,theofficesofJenningsGrocery.
THIRTY-ONEPERCENTOFCaliforniahouseholdsarerunbysingleparents,butJesswouldneverhaveguessedthatfromthepeoplestreamingintotheAliceBirneyElementaryScience-ArtFairmeeting.Beingasoloparentataschooleventwaslikebeingasinglepersonatacouples’party.Minusthewine.IfNanaorPopswasn’twithher,Jesswasmadeintenselyawarethattheotherparentshadnoideahowtointeractwithasinglemom.Thelongestconversationshe’dhadwithsomeonetherehadbeenatthefirst-gradeholidayrecitalwhenamomhadaskedifJess’shusbandwasgoingtobesittingintheemptyseatnexttoher.Whenshe’dsaid,“Nohusband,freechair,”theotherwomansmiledawkwardlyforafewbeatsbeforerollingonbreathlesslyforfiveminutesabouthowsorryshewasthatshedidn’tknowanynicesinglemen.
Butforthefirsttimeatoneoftheseevents,sherealizedasshewalkedintothehall,Jesswasrelievedtobealone;shewouldn’thavetosmall-talk.Shewasn’tsureshe’dbeabletodothattonight;everymeetingshe’dhadtodayhadbeenadeadend.Well,excepttheJenningsGrocerymeeting.Thatwasacompletedisaster.
Oneofthebiggestsinsinstatisticsischerry-picking—choosingwhichdatasetstoincludeinanalysisafterthestudyisfinished.Thereareplentyoflegitimatereasonstodropoutliers:thedataisn’tcollectedcorrectly,etc.Butifadatapointaffectsbothresultsandassumptions,itmustbeincluded.AndjustasJesssuspected,JenningsGrocerydidn’tjustwanttoexcludeafewdatapointsinthesettheysenther;theywantedtoeliminateenormousterritoriesentirelyintheirreporttoshareholders,becausethenumbersdidn’tfittheirprojectedsalestargets.
Sherefused—eventhoughshe’dspentfourmonthsmeticulouslydesigningtheanalysis,writingthecode,buildingtheprogram.Duringthemeeting,theexecutiveshadexchangedextendedperiodsofsilenteyecontact,andeventuallyshooedJessoutoftheroom,sayingthey’dbeintouch.
Wasitstupidtobesoinflexiblewithherbiggestaccount?Shecouldn’tshakeasenseofpanic.IfshelostJennings,shewouldloseathirdofherincomefortheyear.Junomightneedbraces,andshe’dbedrivingineightyears.Whatifshewantedtostartdoingdancecompetitions?Whatifshegotsick?NanaandPopsweren’tgettinganyyounger,either.
Movementinherperipheralvisionpulledherattention,andJesswatchedJuno’ssecond-gradeteacher,Mrs.Klein,andtheprincipal,Mr.Walker,cometothefrontoftheroom.Mrs.Kleinwasdressedassomehybridofascientistandartist:labcoat,goggles,beret,paintpalette.Mr.Walkerwasdressedas,Jesssupposed,akid:baggyshorts,knee-highsocks,andaPadresbaseballcap.Theysatinchairsfacingtheassembledparents.
Theprincipal-childcrossedhisarmsandpouteddramatically,andtheroomfelltoahush.“Idon’tevengetwhatascience-artfairis.DoIhavetodoit?”
“Youdon’thavetodothescience-artfair,”Mrs.Kleinsaid,hammingitupforthecrowd,“youGETtodothescience-artfair!”
Theroomrippledwithpolitelaughter,andtherestofthesecond-gradeteampassedouthandoutswithinformationasthelittleplaywenton.Jessscannedthestapledpages,skimminginstructionsforhelpingthechildrenfindanartprojectthatwasbasedinsomeareaofscience:plantlife,animallife,engineering,chemistry.Apapier-machéplantwithvariousstructureslabeled.Apaintingofadogskeleton.AhousemadeoutofPopsiclesticks.ItwasoneofthethingsthatJesslovedaboutthislittleschool—thecreativecurriculum,theemphasisonintegratedlearning—butwiththemurmuringvoicesrisingfromthecrowd,shewaspulledoutofherlittlebubble.Intheseatsallaroundher,headscametogetherinexcitedconversation.Husband-and-wifeteamsbrainstormedfunprojectsfortheirkids,andthedreadinJess’sstomachcurdledwithloneliness.Shewasflankedbyanemptyseatoneachside,alittlebufferzonetoprotecttheotherparentsfromtheinfectionofsinglehood.
Moodstilllowdespite—shehadtoadmit—someprettysolidjokesfromMr.WalkerandMrs.Klein,Jesspracticallycrawledacrosstheparkinglot.Hercarwasparkednexttoapearl-whitePorschethatmadeherred2008Corollalooklikeanoldrollerskatemissingitsmate.Jesscouldn’tfeelashamedoftheclunker,though;thiscarhaddrivenherhomefromthematernitywardandthentohercollegegraduationonlyamonthlater.IttookthemonvariousoutingsforTrySomethingNewSundaysandroadtripstoDisneylandand—
“Jessica!”
Shejerkedaroundatthesoundofatrillingvoiceandturnedtofindatall,thinblondwomanwavingherdown.DawnPorter:PTAPresident,MotheroftheYear,ZeroGagReflex,probably.Jessbracedherselftofeellikeashittymomforatleastfiveminutes.
“Dawn!Hey.”Jesswincedinpreemptiveapology.“It’sbeenalongdayand—”
“OhGod,totally.Iknowyou’re—like,frazzledallthetime.Poorthing.IfIcanjustgetonesecond?Iwantedtocheckontheauctionsiteyouweregoingtobuild?Thefundraiserforthenewplaygroundequipment?”
Crap
ThesiteJesshadbeenworkingonwhenJunothrewupatschoolandneededtobepickedup,thenwhenaclienthadalast-minuteshareholdersmeetingandneededhertospendtwelvehoursinLA,thenwhenshe’dbeeninterruptedbyaphonecallfromhermomaskingforsomehelpmakingrent.
ThesiteJesshadthenforgottenaboutuntilthissecond.Goodjob,Jess.
“I’mtotallyonit,Dawn,”shesaid.“Justbeenalittleslammedlately.”
“Ugh,Iknow,weareallsobusy.”Dawnpressedabuttononthekeyfobinherhand.ThelightsonthegleamingPorschewinkedandthetailgatedriftedopenwithadelicatechime.HangingfromDawn’sbackseatwereneatlittleorganizedtotes,eachmonogrammedwithherchildren’snames—Hunter,Parker,Taylor—andwordslikeSnacksandBooksandCarFun!
InthetrunkofJess’scarwasapairofbadlytangledbedazzledcatleashes,adozenmismatchedgrocerybags,achainoftamponsJunohadconstructedwhiletheywaitedwithaflattire,andatleastthirty-twootheritemsshefullyintendedtotakeinside…someday.
Dawnplacedthepacketofschoolpapersinonepouch,movingsomedrycleaningonahookoutoftheway,thenpressedthekeyfobagaintoclosethehatchwithawhisper.
SheturnedbacktoJess.“IonlyaskbecauseKyle—you’vemetmyhusband,Kyle?”Shegesturedtoamanchattingwithtwootherdadsacrosstheparkinglot.“Anyway,hesaidhecouldhaveoneoftheparalegalsdownatPorter,Aaron,andKimwhipsomethingup.Itwouldn’tbeaproblem—theylovehelpingout,andeverytimeIlookatyou,Ithink,‘PoorJessicaisjustrunningherselfragged!’”
Herdefensivenessrocketedout:“I’vegotit.”
Dawntiltedherhead,surprisedbytheforceofthisreaction,andJesswantedtoreelthewordsbackin.Ithadrequiredsomeprettyintenseblendingwithherdrugstorefoundationsticktogetthedarkcirclesunderhereyestodisappearthismorning,andshewassuretheparkinglot’ssodiumlightsweren’therbestlighting.Todayhadbeenhellacious,andthelastthingJesswantedwastobecomethesubjectofMomGossip.Shethoughtofthedozensofthingsshecoulddowiththattimebecause,really,whatdidshecarewhobuiltthestupidsite?
BecauseIwanttobeagoodmom,shethought.IwanttobepresentforJuno,evenifsomedaysIfeellikeI’mfailing.
“Really,”Jessassuredher.“It’snearlyfinished.”ThankGod.“Ishouldhavesomethingforyousoon.”
“Well.That’sgreatthen!I’lllettheboardknowsotheystopfussingatme!”
“Great,”JessrepeatedasDawnpoppedintothepassengersideofhercar.“Great.”
“I’MHIDINGINthebathroom,cryingonthetoilet,”shesaidwhenFizzyansweredanhourlater.
Jess’sfriendbarkedoutalaughandan“Aww,Iloveitwhenyouignoreboundaries.Usuallythat’smywheelhouse.”
“Ihadaterribleday.”Jessswipedahandacrosshernose.“I’mlonely.AndIfeellikesuchanassholecomplaining,butyou’realwaysgoingtobeabiggerassholethanIam,soIcancomplaintoyou.”
“Iswear,Jessica,youknowjustwhattosaytomakemyheartmelt.”Thefunnythingwas,Fizzymeantit.“Letmehaveit.”
Jessclosedhereyes,leaningbackagainstthewatertank.“Itallseemslikesuchlittlestuff.Afterwegotoffthephonethismorning,myentiredayfellapart.Pigeonescaped,myblenderblewupallovermyshirt,wewererunninglate.IhadameetingatJenningsGrocery,butAmericanostolemyparkingspot—”
“YousawAmericanointhewild?”
“Idid,”shesaid.“Hecontinuestobeterrible.Thenmybigmeetingwenthorribly,andIhadtojettotheschoolforthisscience-artthing,andIsatinthebackandjuststaredatallofthesehappilymarriedcoupleswhowereseeingeachotherattheendoftheday,andIsweartoGod,Fizz,I’veneverfeltsolonelyinmyentirelife.AndthenPTADawnremindedmetofinishthefundraiserwebsite,andIjustdidbutit’sprobablyaholymessandIcannotfindaboneinmethatcares.”
BeforeFizzycouldspeak,Jessadded,“Anddon’tsayanything,becauseIknowhowthissounds—like‘poorme,andI’mallalone.’IknowI’mlucky.Ihavethebestkid,andIhaveNanaandPopsheretohelpmewheneverIneedthem.Ihaveyou—”
“Cuttinginnow,”Fizzysaid.“Yes,youhaveNanaandPops,youhaveagreatkid,youhaveme.Iamhereforyoueveryday,forforever,butplease,Jess.Itisn’tthesame.You’retalkingaboutwantingtohavesomeonetocomehometo,totalkto,andyeah—togetnakedwith.Itisn’tselfishtowantthat.Youaren’tsomehowputtingJunosecondbyoccasionallyputtingyourneedsfirst.Junoneedsahappymom.”
“Itisn’tonlythat,”Jesssaidquietly.“DoIworryaboutintroducingJunotoamansomeday?Yes,completely.Buttheideaofputtingmyselfoutthereishonestlymoreexhaustingthananything.Ihadtochangemyshirttwicethismorningforthemeeting,firstforthesmoothieexplosion,andsecondwhenIdrooledagloboftoothpasteonmychest.”
“ReasonnumberonewhyIalwaysbrushmyteethnaked,”Fizzyjoked,andJesslaughed.“AndPS?Youprobablylookedstraight-upgorgeous,regardlessofwhatyouthink.”
“Thankyou—”
“I’mserious,”Fizzypressed.“Listentome.You’resobeautiful,it’sstupid.Youreyes?Like,Itrytodescribethatblueinbooks,anditjustsoundscliché.Youhavethecutestlittlebod,andliterallythebestlips.Andforfree!Peopleusuallyhavetopayformouthslikethat.”
Jesslaughedthroughasob.
“IfIdidn’tknowyouweresuchaheadcase,I’daskyououtmyself.”
“Youseemethroughthatlensbecauseyouloveme,”Jesssaid,chinwobbling.“Datinginourthirtiesisdifferent.Itrequiresustogetourshittogether,andmostdaysjustbeingamomandhustlingmyassofftokeepmyheadabovewatertakeseverythingI’vegot.WhereamIgoingtofindthetimeandenergytohuntforagoodguywhenmostofthedudesonTinderthinkaquickdrinkearnsthemsex?”
JesscouldpracticallyhearFizzy’sgapeontheotherendoftheline.“Wejustwenttoapresentationatacompanythatasksyoutospitinavialandthey’llhandoveralistofpotentialsoulmates.”Sheenunciatedthelastwordsoitstretchedforthreelongsyllables.“Nooneisaskingyoutohunt.”
“EventheDNADuostillrequiresdating!”Jesstoldher,laughing.“It’snotlikeIgetanameandweelope!There’sstilltrialanderror.”
“Youcouldspecifyonlyhigh-levelmatches,”Fizzyargued.“Youdon’thavetodowhatI’mdoingandtakewhatevercomesyourway.Hell,tellthemyouonlywantmatchesofseventyorhigher.Whatdoyouhavetolose?”Shepaused,andthenaddedmoregently,“Putyourselffirsttonight,Jessie.Justfortenminutes.ConsideritanearlyB-daypresentforthebigThree-Oh.”
“Don’tremindme.”
Fizzylaughed.“Youdon’thavetoansweranyofthematchesifyouchangeyourmind,butfortonight,justimagineaworldwhereyoufindsomeonewho’sperfectforyou,andisthereforyou,andistheheadyoucanleanyoursagainstattheendoftheday.”
Whentheyhungup,Jess’seyeslandedontheDNADuoboxFizzyhadpushedintoherhandsasthey’dleftGeneticAlly.
Beforeshecouldtalkherselfoutofit,shereachedforthebox,toreitopen,spitintothevial,sealedthewholethingintheenclosedenvelope,andwalkeditouttothemailbox.FIVE
JESSADJUSTEDTHEelasticstrapbeneathherchin.Wasthiswhatthirtyfeltlike?Spendingherbirthdayinacoffeeshopwithamadwomanwhowouldgettheentireroomtobelt“HappyBirthday”ifJesstriedtotakeoffthissparklybirthdayhat?
Fizzylookedupabruptly.“Yougoblin.Leavethehatalone.”
“It’sitchy!TellmeaboutyourdatewithAidenB.”
Fizzywavedthisoff,alreadyoverit.“Heliveswithhissister.”
“Isthatanautomaticdisqualification?”
“Imean,theylivetogetherasintheyshareabedroom.”Sheshookherhead,clearlynotwantingJesstoaskmore.“It’sunchartedterritoryforme.I’munwillingtoexplorewhatitmeans.”
Jesslaughed.“Fairenough.IfIremember,hewasonlyascoreof,what?Thirteen?Whatabout…?”Shewasblankingontheotherguy’sname.
“Antonio?”Fizzyprompted.“Hewashot.”
“Hewasthetwenty-one?”
“Yeah.Wehaddinner,wehadsex.”Fizzyshrugged,summarizing.“Wewon’tbeseeingeachotheragain,though.”Asifsherememberedsomething,shepickeduphernotebookandjotteddownacoupleofwords.
“Whatdidyoujustwritedown?”
Fizzy’slipcurled.“Dicktattoo.”
Jess’scurled,too.“What?No.”
“Also,”Fizzysaid,“hewantedmetotalkdirty,soIdid,butapparentlyIwenttoodirty.”
Jessburstoutlaughingagain.“Youwenttoodirtyforaguywithadicktattoo?FelicityChen,myGod.”Sheliftedhercoffeetoherlips.“Buttobefair,you’resettingyourselfupforthis.Whyareyoucastingthenetsowide?Justfiltertheresults.Idon’tgetit.”
Fizzygotthatlookshehadwhenshewasabouttogetrealintense.“Listen.Tinderisthebiggestdatingappintheworldforareason.Sometimespeoplejustwanttohavefun.Thebenefithereisthatwegettochoosewhatlevelofinvestmentwewant,andrightnow,forme,thatlevelishoveringsomewherearoundsexwithpeopleIdon’tfeelobligatedtocallagain.”Sheliftedherchin.“I’mtestingthewaterswithoutallthepressureofforever.”
Holdingupherhandsindefense,Jesssaid,“I’mnotjudging.WritethisdissertationandmailittoAmericano.”
Fizzygaveheracasualmiddlefinger.“Anyway,I’vegotadatewithatwenty-threenamedTedtomorrow—whoishimselfonlytwenty-one—andonSaturdayI’mhavingdinnerwithathirty-onenamedRalph.”
“Thirty-one?Wow,that’saSilver.Movingupintheworld.”
Fizzyopenedhermouthtoreplywhen,onthetablebetweenthem,aphonedeliveredatelltalechime.
JessassumeditwasanothermediocrecompatibilityscorehittingFizzy’sinbox,andFizzyseemedtoassumethesame,reachingforherphone—
SoittookthembothasecondtoregisterthatthesoundhadactuallycomefromJess’sphone…andittookJessanothertoremembershe’dsenther“sample”awayforanalysis.
BetrayalwidenedeveryoneofFizzy’sfeatures.“JessicaDavis.I’moverheretellingyouaboutdicktattoosandyoudon’teventellmeyousentyourspit!”
Jessbarkedoutanuncomfortablelaugh.“Icanexplain!”
“You’dbetter!”
Shewasunabletocontrolherbubblinglaughter.Fizzylookedgenuinelyfuriousinamildlycartoonishway.“ItwaslastThursday,remember?Icalledyoufromthetoilet.Onimpulse,Iputitinthemailafterwehungup,downloadedtheappandfilledoutthebasicinfo,andthentotallyspacedonit.”
FizzypickedupJess’sphone,tappingitawakewithapunitivejabofherindexfinger.Enteringthepasscode,shestaredinconfusiondownatthescreenwhileJessstaredwithsimilarconfusionather.“Idon’tremembergivingyoumypasscode.”
“Juno’sbirthday.Youshouldchooseamoresecurecode.Neverknowwhatbrandofcrazycangetintoyourphone.”
Jessraisedawryeyebrow.“Youdon’tsay.”
Fizzyturnedthescreentofaceher.“It’sred.Whatdoesthatmean?”
“What’sred?”Jess’samusementatthesituationwasfading,quicklyreplacedbytherealizationthatherDNADuoapphadjustpingedherwithanalert.
She’dexcludedmatchesbelowseventypercent.
ShehadaPlatinumorhighermatch.
ShesuddenlyunderstoodFizzy’sdesiretodipatoeinthesoulmatewatersratherthandiveheadfirst.Jesswasn’tready.Shewasn’tevensureshewascurious.
“Thething,”Fizzysaid,pointingaggressively.“Thelittle—circlenotificationthingovertheappiconthatmeansyouhavearesult!”
TheprospectofmakingadecisionbasedonanumericalscoremadeJessimmediatelytired.Shetookherphoneback,temptedtodeletetheappalongwithwhateverimpulsehadtoldhertospitinthatvialinthefirstplace.“Isredbad?”
“Allofminearegreen,”Fizzyexplained.“Whetherit’sacompatibilityscoreoftwelveorthirty-one,thematchnotificationshavebeengreen.”
Okay,ifthematchnotificationsweregreen,atleastJessknewapotentialsoulmatewasn’tjustcasuallyhangingoutinherinbox.“MightIsuggestyourintensityaboutthisisnowataneleven?”
Fizzyshotback:“Tomyromance-lovingheart,thisappisthemostfascinatinggameever.Humorme.”
“Mostlikelyitmeanstherewassomethingwrongwithmysample,”Jesssaid,reliefexpandinginher.“IdiditafterIbrushedmyteeth,anditsaystowaitanhouraftereatingordrinkinganythingbeforespitting.”Sheputherphonebackonthetable,screen-sidedown.“I’lldealwithitlater.”
Sheshould’veknownbetter.“Uh.Nope.”Fizzyimmediatelyhandedthephonebacktoher.“Iwanttoknowwhatredmeans.”
“It’smybirthday,andIcanignoreitifIwantto.”
Fizzyshookherhead.“What’sabetterbirthdaygiftthanasoulmate?”
Withasigh,JessclickedontheDNADuoicon.NonotificationsunderthetablabeledCompatibilityScores,butshedidhaveasmallredbubbleindicatinganewmessage.Jess’seyesquicklyscannedthewords,butherbrainwasslowtoprocessthem.Startingover,Jessreaditslowly,wordbyword,eventhoughtherewereonlyeightofthem:Pleasecallourofficeatyourearliestconvenience.
“Whatdoesitsay?”
Jesshandedthephoneover.“It’sfromGeneticAlly.Ineedtocallthematmyearliestconvenience.That’sweird.Isn’tthatweird?Like,whynotjusttellmeanothersamplekitisrequired?”
Fizzyreadit,frowning.“Theysentitinyourappinbox,soyoucanreply,right?Let’sjustaskwhatthisisabout.”Insteadofhandingthephoneback,shediditherself,dictatingeachwordasshetyped.“May—I—ask—what—this—is—concerning?”Fizzystaredatthescreen,andafteronlyafewseconds,herbrowsshotupexcitedly.“Someone’stypingback!”
Meanwhile,Jess’sstomachwascrawlingintoherthroat.Shealreadyhatedhowintenseitallfelt;thiswaswaytoomuchinvestmentandexpectationforsomethingshe’ddoneonimpulseinacrappymood.“I’msureit’sjustasamplething,just—”
“Shh.”
“Fizz,”Jesssaid,“justgivememyphone.Idon’tcareaboutanyof—”
Fizzyheldupahand.“They’retyp—Oh.”Herbrowsfurrowed.“Okay,you’reright.Thisisweird.”
Shehandedthephoneback,andJess’sstomachtwistedasshereadthenote.
Doyoumindcomingin?itsaid.We’llsendacar.
THEY’DSENDAcar?
Goodgrief.
Jessmanagedtofindaboutathousandimportantthingssheneededtodoimmediately.ShemadeaDMVappointmenttorenewherlicense,scheduledherandJuno’sannualphysicalexamsanddentistappointments.Shewentforarun;shetookalongshower.Sheevenboughtherselfanewsweaterasabirthdayindulgence.ShehadlunchwithNanaandPops,cleanedherapartment,foldedeverypieceoflaundryshecouldfind,pickedupJunofromschool,andreadalmostanentireJudyBlumenovelwithherbeforeJunourgedJesstoleavetheapartmentsoNanaandPopscouldcomeoverandgetthesurprisepartyready.
Surprise!
Withtwohourstokillandthenotificationlikeasplinterinherthumb,JessgaveupandcalledLisaAddams.
TheGeneticAllybuildingwasdarkfromtheoutside,butalightinthelobbyflickeredonasthetowncarpulleduptothecurb.Lisaemerged,walkingbrisklyoutandopeningthecardoor.
“Jessica,”shesaidbreathlessly.“Thanksforcominginonsuchshortnotice.”
Eveninthedusk,JessspottedtheflushonLisa’scheeks,thewayherhairlineseemedjusttheslightestbitsweaty.ShetumbledonemoretickdowntheUneasyScale.
“Noproblem.Ionlyhaveaboutanhour,though.”
“Ofcourse.Comeonin.”
Lisaturned,leadingthemintotheemptybuilding.Noneofthisseemedlikenormalprotocol,whichmadeJessfeellikeshe’dswallowedbatteryacid.“IhavetoadmitI’mreallyconfusedaboutwhythisissourgent.”
“I’llexplaineverythingoncewe’reinside.”
Jessfollowedherthroughthedoubledoorsanddownthelonghallwayshe’dwalkedthelasttimeshewashere.Everyonewasclearlydonefortheday;theofficesweredarkandvacantinthatwaythatmadeeveninnocuousspacesseemcreepy.
Intheconferenceroom,Lisagesturedtosixpeopleseatedaroundalargetable.Riverwasn’tamongthem.
“Jessica,I’dliketointroduceyoutoourexecutiveteam.”
Theirwhatnow?
“ThisisDavidMorris,theprincipalinvestigatorinchargeoftheoriginalresearch,andtheCEOofGeneticAlly.”
Amantoherrightstood,stretchingouthishand,andJessrecognizedhimasthepersonshe’dmetafteroverhearingRivercallher“entirelyaverage.”
“Jessica.It’ssogreattoseeyouagain.”
“Youtoo.”Shewipedherpalmonherpantsbeforeshaking.Andthenitsankin:Originalresearch.CEO.“Right.IguessIdidn’trealizewhoIwasmeetinginthehalltheotherday.”
Helaughedabig,open-mouthedlaugh.“Well,itfeelsalittledoucheytosay,‘I’mCEODavidMorris.’”
“Maybe,”Jesssaid,“butyou’veearnedtheright.”
“I’mfriendswithAlanTimberlandoveratGenentech,”hesaid,stillsmiling,“andhe’smentionedsomeanalyticshelphehad.Afterlookingatyourintakeinformationfromtheotherday,Iputtwoandtwotogetherandrealizedyou’rethebrainbehindtheirnewhigh-throughputscreeningalgorithms.”
Jesswasawinebottle,slowlyuncorked.Oh,thisisaboutdata?HadGeneticAllybroughtherheretotalkaboutalgorithms?
“Alan’sgreat,”shesaidcarefully.Attheprospectthatshewashereforconsulting,notbecauseshehadlemurDNA,thenauseaslowlycleared.
LisagesturedtoanoverlytannedmantoDavid’sleft.“BrandonButkisisourheadofmarketing.”
AnotherhandclosedaroundJess’s,anotherfacegaveheranurgent,vibratingsmile.Allshecouldseewasblindinglywhitecappedteeth.
AfterJesshadshakeneveryhandintheroom,Lisagesturedforhertositdowninthedirectcenterseatatthetable.
“It’sprobablyunexpectedtowalkintoafullroomlikethis,”Lisastarted.
“Alittle,”Jessagreed,“butIknowhowimportantitistogetdataorganized,andhowharditistodothatwhenthedatasetisasbigasyours.”
DavidandBrandonexchangedaquicklook.Lisa’ssmileslippedforonlyasecond,butJessloggedit.“That’sdefinitelytrue.I’msureyouknowthatbetterthananyone.”
Aman—JessthoughthisnamewasSanjeev—ontheothersideofthetablecaughtLisa’sattention.“IsPe?acominginforthis?”
“He’llbehere,”Lisasaid,andthenturnedtoJess.“Sorrytomakeyouwait,Jessica.”
“Jessisfine,”shesaid,addingunnecessarily,“Imean,callingmeJessisfine.”Anotherawkwardpause.“Iwasn’treferringtomyselfinthethirdperson.”
Aftersomecourtesylaughter,theroomfellintoapin-dropsilence.ItseemedthateveryonebutJessknewwhatthiswasallabout,butnoonecouldtellheruntilRiverhadarrived.Unfortunately,nooneknewwherehewas(“Hesaidhewasonhiswayupfromhisofficetenminutesago,”Sanjeevtoldthethroat-clearing,paper-shufflingtable).
Norcouldanyonethinkofsomethingtosay.Soofcourse,hermouthopened,andwordstumbledout.“Youallmustbeveryexcitedforthelaunch.”
Headsbobbedaroundthetable,andBrandonButkisdeliveredanenthusiastic“Very!”
“Haveyouallgivensamplesaswell?”sheasked.
TherewasastrangeexchangeoflooksaroundthetablebeforeDavidsaidcarefully,“Wehave,yes.”
JesswasjustabouttobreakandaskforsomebloodyinformationwhenthedoorburstopenandRivermadeagrandentrancemuchlikehisirritating,sweepingarrivalsatTwiggs.“I’mhere.What’sup?”
Atangibleenergyfilledtheroom.Everyonesatupstraighter.Everyeyefollowedhimashemovedtohisseat.Yes,hewasgreattolookat,butthereseemedtobemoretotheweightoftheirattention,likethelow,hummingvibrationofheroworship.
River’sgazepassedoverthegroup,sweepingpastJessbeforepausingandjerkingbacktoherface.“Why’sshehere?”
“Haveaseat,Riv,”Lisasaid,thenturnedtoapetiteAsianwomantoherright.“Tiff?Doyouwanttohandoutthedata?”
Data.Yes.Great.Jess’sshoulderseased,andshetookasheetwhenthestackcamearound.
ThehandoutcontainedmuchlessinformationthanJesswouldneedtogiveusefulfeedbackonacommercialundertakingofthisscale.TwoclientIDswerelistedatthetopleftandaredcirclearoundanumberintheupperrightcorner.Ninety-eight.Beneathwasatablewithasimplesummaryofadataset:variablenames,means,deviations,andPvalueswithmany,manyzeroesafterthedecimal.
Therewasahighlysignificantfindinginthisdata;theurgencyofthismeetingwasbecomingclear.
Riverreleasedabreaththatsoundedlikeit’dbeenpunchedoutofhim.
“Wow,”Jesssaid.“Ninety-eight.Isthatacompatibilityscore?IrealizeI’mnewtothis,butthat’shuge,right?”SheflippedbacktohermemoryofLisa’spresentation.“Diamond?”
Thenervousenergyatthetabledoubled;allbutoneheadnodded.Riverwasstillstaringatthepieceofpaper.
“Yes,”Lisasaid,andhersmilewassointensetheskinhadgrowntightaroundhereyes.“Thehighestwe’veseenintheDNADuoisninety-three.”
“Okay,soareweaskingaboutawaytoconfirmthisinteraction?”Jessleanedin,lookingatthevariables.“Withouttherawdata,Icanonlyguess,butitlookslikeyou’vecustomizedyourstatsusinganN-typeanalysis—whichisexactlywhatIwouldhaveused.ButI’msureyouknowthebiggestproblemwiththisisthattheboundswewouldnormallyuseforatypicalalgorithmbecomelesseffective.Though”—shechuckled—“lookingatthisPvalue,I’mguessingwiththispairtheinteractionsareeverywhere,evenwithstricterbounds.Icouldcreateanon-Euclideanmetric,somethinglikeamultidimensionaldatastructure—likeak-dtreeorcovertree…”Shetrailedoff,lookingup.Noonewasnoddingexcitedly;noonewasjumpingintobrainstorm.Maybetherewasn’tanotherstatisticianintheroom.“I’mmorethanhappytodigintoyourposthocanalyses,thoughwiththenumberofgenesinyourarray,Imightneedacoupleweeks.”
Self-consciousnow,sheputthepacketdownonthetable,smoothingitwithherlefthand.Theroomhadgrownsoquiet,thesoundofherpalmoverpaperseemedtoechoaroundthem.Butnooneelsewasactuallylookingattheirhandout,orevenseemedtobelistening.TheywerealllookingatRiver.
AndwhenJesslookedathim,attherawshockinhisexpression,acurrentofelectricityranthroughher,almostlikeshe’djusttouchedalivewire.
HeclearedhisthroatandturnedtoTiffany.“Tiff,didyoulookthroughtherawdata?”
Shenodded,butshewasstaringatDavid,whowasexchanginganotherheavylookwithBrandon.Theroomfeltdeeply,meaningfullysilent,andJessrealizedshewasmissinganimportantcontextforthegravityhere.
Awarenesssankasquicklyasaweightinwater.Jessglanceddownagainattheclientinformation.
Client144326.
Client000001.
Oh,God.
“Um…whoisclientnumberone?”
Riverclearedhisthroat;he’dgonesheetwhiteandgrippedthepaperintwohands.“Me.”
Oh.Well,JesusChrist,nowonderhewantedtoconfirmtheanalysis.ADiamondMatchfortheoriginalscientistontheprojectwashugenews,especiallythisclosetolaunch.
“Okay,Igetit.”Jesstookadeepbreath,leaningback,readytogettowork.“HowcanIhelp?”
RiverlookedatLisathen,hiseyesheavywiththeobviousquestion.Literallyeveryoneelseintheroomwasstaringathim,waitingforhimtosayit:Haveweconfirmedtheassay?Havewereplicatedthefindingwithabackupsample?
Butthatwasn’twhatheasked.Inalow,shakyvoice,Rivermurmured,“Whois1-4-4-3-2-6?”
EveryheadswungJess’swayand—
Whensherealizedwhatwasgoingon,whytheywereallthere,whytheyhadsentacar,whytheyhadn’tmadehersignanNDAfordatapurposes,whyRiverhadn’tknownshewouldbethere,andwhyeveryoneelsewaslookingatJesswiththatfevered,vibratingforceintheirexpressions,itfeltalittlelikefallingoffacurb,exceptshewassitting.
Itwasgenuinelysoabsurdshestartedlaughing.
Ninety-eight!
“Oh.”Jesswasstilllaughingasshestoodonshakylegs.Herheartbeatwasapulsatingcacophonyinherears.“I’mnotheretoadviseonyourstatistics.”
Ninety-eight.Pvalueswithatleasttenzeroesafterthedecimal.Herbrainscratchedaround,lookingforawayoutofthis.
“Jess—”Lisabegan.
“Thisisn’tright,”Jesscutheroff,fumblingforherpurse.
“Weranthedatathroughallofourstandardanalysisprograms,”Tiffanyaddedquietly.
“No,ImeanI’msureyourstatsare—”Jessstarted,butrealizedshecouldn’tfinishthesentencebecauseitwouldbealie.Clearlytheirstatisticsweregarbageandtheywerealldelusional.Andunfortunately,Jesshadn’tdrivenherselfhere.“Icancallsomeonetocomepickmeup.”
JessglancedatRiver—whowasalreadywatchingherwithwild,darkeyes—andthenatsurfer-chicLisa,andToothyBrandon,andJeffGoldblum’sBenedictCumberbatch,andeveryotherpersonintheroomwho’dalsoneverdealtwiththisparticularsituation.“Itwassonicemeetingeveryone.Thankssomuchforhavingme.SorryfortherambleaboutN-typeanalyses.”
Sheturned,openingthedoorwithahandshewasn’tallthatsurewasgoingtocooperate,andpracticallysprintedbackthewayshecame.SIX
JESS’SHANDSWEREshakingsouncontrollablythat,asshewalked,shecouldbarelytypeoutatextpleatoPopstocomepickherupwiththeaddressofthebuilding.Somehowthehallhadstretched;ittookheracenturytogettotheelevator,andwhenshepushedthebutton,shehearditsslowgrindupfromthebottomfloor.
Feetjoggeddownthehall.Theydidn’tsoundlikeLisa’sheels,andyeah—whenJesslookedup,shesawRivermakinghiswaytowardher.
“Jessica,”hesaid,holdingupahand.“Holdonasecond.”
Washeserious?JessturnedandcontinuedtowardthedoorlabeledEXIT,pushingintothestairwell.Tenhurriedstepsdownbeforethedoorclangedshutbehindher;thesoundwassojarringitactuallymadeherduck.Halfaflightabove,thedoorflewopenagain.Footstepstap-tap-tappeddowntowardher,andJessaccelerated,joggingdowntothefirstlevelandemergingintothelobby.
Rivermanagedtogetoutonlyapatient,echoing“Jessica,wait”beforethelobbystairwelldoorsealedshut.
Itdidn’tmatter;hewouldinvariablycatchheroutside.BecausealthoughPopshadrepliedthathewasoutgettingthecakeandcouldgettherequickly,itwasn’tlikehecoulddrivetoLaJollainthreeminutes.Atleastoutsideshecouldbreatheaprecioushandfulofsecondsoffreshair,couldthinkwithoutthepressureofeveryone’sstunnedattentiononher.Whatweretheythinking,droppingsomethingsopersonalinaroomfullofstrangers?
Wrappingherarmsaroundhermidsection,Jesspacedthesidewalkinfrontofthebuilding,waiting.WhensheheardRiveremerge,sheexpectedhimtostarttalkingrightaway,buthedidn’t.Heapproachedherslowly,cautiously,andcametoastopabouttenfeetaway.
Formaybethreeseconds,Jesslikedhimforgivingherspace.Butthensherememberedthathewasn’tusuallysoconsiderate…andhewassupposedlyhersoulmate
Theabsurdityofthatmeetingfinallyhitherlikeaslap,andshecoughedoutanoverwhelmedlaugh.“OhmyGod.Whatjusthappened?”
Hespokethroughthechillyquiet.“Itwasasurprisetome,too.”
Hiswordsfeltlikeanechobetweenthem.Theysurprisedhim?“How?You—youknoweveryoneinthatroom.Whywouldtheytellyoulikethat?”sheasked.“Whywouldtheyhaveeveryonethere,likesomekindofarealityshow?”
“Icanonlyassumetheywantedusalltohaveaconversationabouthowtohandleit.”
“‘Handleit’?”sherepeated.“Youreallyaredeadinside,aren’tyou?”
“Imeanthandleforthecompany.I’msureit’soccurredtoyouthattheopticsofoneofthefoundershavingthehighestrecordedcompatibilityscoreisbothfantasticandfraught,fromamarketingperspective.”
“Anywomanwouldbeluckytohearthesewordsfromher”—Jessusedfingerquotes—“‘biologicalsoulmate.’”
Heexhaledslowly.“Ialsoassumetheywereworriedthatiftheytoldyouremotely,youwouldn’tcomein.”Rivershrugged,slidingonehandintohistrouserpocket.“Sanjeev—theheadofassaydevelopment—isaclosefriend.I’dmentionedourrun-indowntowntohim,andyourblowingupatme—”
“My‘blowingup’atyou?”
“—andwordprobablyspreadwhentheresultcameinandyournamewasassociated.”
“‘Associated’?”Unproductive,buttheonlythingshecouldfocusonwasthewayhespokelikehewasreadingaloudfromatextbook.God,Siricarriedonamorefamiliarconversation.
“I’msorrythatwehavetoconsiderthebusinessimplicationsofallofthis,”Riversaid,“butIassumeyouunderstandthisisareallybigdeal,onseverallevels.”
Jessstaredathim,givinghimthebenefitofthedoubtthathewasallowingforatleastoneoftheselevelsbeinghumanemotion.“Uh,yeah,Igetthat.Butwedon’thavetoconsideranything.Imean—there’snoway,River.Webothknowit’sanerror,right?Orifnotanerror,thatthecompatibilityparadigmdoesn’tapplytous.”
“Whyisityourfirstassumptionthatthetechnologyiswrong?”
“Whyisn’tityours?”
Helaugheddryly,lookingpasther.“TheDNADuohasbeenvalidatedthousandsoftimes.Ifwegotscoresofninety-eightallthetime,I’dbemoreskeptical.”
“Ican’timaginebeinglessskeptical.Everythoughtinhere”—Jesspointedtoherhead—“iseither‘LOLno’or‘Surelyyoujest.’”Shepaused,takinghimin.“Howcanyoulookatmewithastraightfacerightnow?”
Hereachedup,runningahandthroughhishair.“Biologicalcompatibilityisindependentofwhetherornotwelikeeachother.”
Ahorrifiedlaughrippedoutofher.“Isthatthecompanysloganoryourbestpickupline?”
“Listen,I’mnot—”Riverbrokeoff,exhalingalong,slowbreath.“Howdoweproceed?”
“I’mnotevensurewhatthatmeans,‘proceed.’”Jesshookedathumboverhershoulder.“I’mgoingtoheadhome.”
“Itmeansweseeifthesciencehasmadeanaccurateprediction.”
“You’reclientnumberone,”sheremindedhim.“Ifwe’rehavingthisconversation,I’mguessingyou’resingleandnoneofyourothermatchesworkedout,either.Let’sassumethisonewillfollowthattrajectory.”
“You’remyfirst,”hesaidmatter-of-factly,adding,inresponsetoherbaffledexpression,“Ihaven’thadanyothermatches.Isetstringentcriteria.”
“How—whatdoesthatevenmean?”
Rivertookacautiousstepcloser.“IselectedtoseeonlyDiamondMatches.”
Jessmaintainedeyecontactwithhimforfive…ten…fifteenseconds.Hisgazewassteady,unblinking,andrational,andanabruptthoughtcrashedintohermind:Ibethe’sgoodateverythinghesetshismindto.Whatif,justforoneminute,Iletmyselfimaginethatthisisreal?Whatthen?
Hiseyesdippedbrieflytohermouth,andJesshadthefeelinghewasaskinghimselfthesamequestion.Herthoughtswereunexpectedlyhijackedbyaflashingimageofhimstaringdownather,shirtless,watchingherreactiontothepressureofhishandbetweenherlegs.
Jesshadtoblink—hard—tocleartheimageaway.“Whywouldyousetyourcriteriathatstrict?”
Sheknewherreasons,butwhatabouthis?Aromanticsoulwouldsaythattheywereonlyinterestedintruelove,butRiver’sbeatofhesitationtoldherhisanswerwasgroundedinsomethingmuchmorelogical.“Initiallybecausethegoalwasn’ttofindmyselfapartner,”hesaid.“It’sbeenaprotractedlongitudinalstudy,andwe’veallbeenfocusedongettingtothispoint.Istoppedthinkingaboutmyownclientinformationalongtimeago.”
Itwasn’ttheworstanswer;Jesscouldunderstandhowmuchfocusittooktokeepabusinessafloat,letaloneonewithemployees.Thisalljustseemedcompletelyimpossibletoher.
SheheardPops’soldclunkerturningintotheparkinglot,andRiver’sangularfacewasbrieflyilluminatedbytheheadlights.Hisguardedscowlmadehisprofileaggravatinglymorehandsome.
Somethinginherexpressionmusthavesoftened,becausehetookafewstepscloser.“Let’stalkaboutitsomemore,”hesaid.“Itdoesn’thavetobetonight.”
“I’llthinkaboutit.”
“It’sexciting,”hesaidquietly.“Isn’tit?”
Ifshecouldonlymakeherselfbelievethisresult,learningtotoleratehisfaceforthesakeofsciencewouldn’tbetheworstthingintheworld,wouldit?
“Iguess.”
Rivergaveherashysmilethathitherlikeathunderbolt.“Andthetimingcouldn’tbebetterforlaunch.”
HALFWAYTHROUGHHERbirthdaydinner,Jess’sphonechimed.Itwasn’ttheDNADuoapp—she’ddeletedthatthingassoonastheypulledawayfromthecurboutsideGeneticAlly—itwasherworkemail.Normallyshewouldn’tcheckuntilmorning,butshe’dbeenstewingalldayandthere’dbeencricketsfromJenningsGrocery.SowhileJunoregaledNanaandPopswithadramaticreenactmentofColeMasongettinghispenisstuckinhiszipperatschool,Jesscovertlyreachedforherphone.
Ms.JessicaDavis,
ThisisaformalnotificationthatweareterminatingyourcontractasdetailedinAppendixIV.Theremainingbalanceowedof$725.25forSTATISTICALFORMULA+MARKETINGALGORITHMwillbedirect-depositedasagreedtoaccountXXXXXXXXX-652.Wewouldliketothankyoufortheworkyouhaveprovidedusduringthelastthreeyearsandwishyouonlythebest.
Ifyouhaveanyquestions,pleasefeelfreetocontactus.
Regards,
ToddJennings
JenningsGrocery
Jessfeltlikeshe’djustpulledthepinfromagrenadeandswalloweditdown.Sevenhundreddollarsdepositedintoheraccount,buttheremainingeighteenthousandwouldn’tbecominginthisyear,orever.Thirtypercentofherincomewasgone.Anxietytorethroughher—hot,feverish—andsheclosedhereyes,takingtendeepbreaths.
One…Two…
Shestillhadthreeactivecontracts.Aftertaxesshecouldstillbringinthirtythousanddollarsthisyear.Itwouldbetight,andunlessshegotsomenewclients,therewouldn’tbemuchleftoverforextras,butshewouldbeabletocoverrentandhealthinsurance.
Three…Four…Five…
MaybeshecouldgetonapaymentplanforJuno’sballetclass.
Six…Seven…
Theywouldn’tstarve.
Eight…Nine…
Theyhadaroofovertheirheads.
Ten…
Slowly,herpulsereturnedtonormal,butthealarmhadleftherfeelingwornoutanddented.Turningherphonefacedownonthetable,Jessreachedforthebottleofwineandpoured,stoppingonlywhentheliquidformedaglossymeniscusatthelipoftheglass.
“Wow.”Popswhistled.“Everythingokayoverthere?”
“Yup.”Jessbentdown,suckingthefirstsipsothatshecouldlifttheglasswithoutspilling.It’smybirthday,shethought.I’mgettingsmashed.
PopssharedalookwithNanabeforeheturnedtoJuno.“MissJunebug?”hesaid.
Sheslurpedaspaghettinoodleintohermouth.“Hmm?”
“Thinkyoucouldgobacktomyplaceandfindmyglasses?TherewereafewcrosswordcluesIneededyourmama’shelpwith.”
Juno’schairscreechedawayfromthetable,andshesquintedsuspiciously,pointingamarinara-tippedfingerathim.“Don’thavecakewithoutme.”
“Wouldn’tdare.”
Theywatchedassheracedoutthebackdoorandthroughthecourtyardtothebungalow,Pigeontrailingbehindher.
“Well,thatboughtusaboutthirtyseconds,”Nanasaidwithalaugh.
“I’llgivehersixty.”Popsreachedintothepocketofhissweaterandpulledhisglassesfromthecase.HegaveJessateasingwinkbeforeslippingthemon.“Now,it’syourbirthday,Jessica.”Heleanedin,pretendingtostudyher.Hiseyeswerepale,watery,fulloflove.“What’sthisface?Doesithavetodowithmepickingyouupearlier?Themanoutside?”
“No.”
“Hesuredidseemupsetwhenwedroveoff.”
“He’sajerk,butthisisn’tabouthim.”IfitwerejustaboutRiverandhisstupidtest,thiswouldbeeasy.JesshaddeletedtheappandcouldignorehimatTwiggs.Done.
Butitwasn’tnearlythatsimple.
“Whatisit,then?”NanaJoasked.
Jessleanedherelbowsonthetableandproppedherheadinherhands.Itweighedabouteightypounds.“Oh…justlife.”Shepickedupherphoneagain,openingitbeforehandingitovertoletthemreadtheJenningsemail.“Thiswasoneofmybiggeraccounts.Wedisagreedonhowtomoveforward,andthey’relettingmego.”
Nana’sfacefellandsheplacedherhandonJess’s.“I’msosorry,sugar.”
“Moneycanbefixed,”Popssaid.“We’llalwayshelpyou.”
Jesssqueezedhishandinwordlessthanks.TheyhadraisedJamieandJess,andnowhelpedwithJuno.Shewassupposedtobetakingcareofthematthispointinherlife,nottheotherwayaround.
“It’snotjustmoney.”Jesstookabreath,tryingtoarrangeherthoughtsinsomesortoforder.“Imeanitis,butit’salsome.IfeellikeI’minthisholdingpattern,raisingJuno,makingendsmeet,tryingtokeepthingsmovinguntilmylifeactuallybegins.IwasjuststartingtothinkhowsillythatisandhowIneedtogetoutmore.Butnowthis,”shesaid,wavingherphoneforemphasis.“Iworkedmybuttoffforthisaccount,andthey’regoingtoreplacemetomorrowbecausethereareahundredotherpeoplewithloosermoralswhocandowhatIdo.”Jesspressedherfingerstohertemples.“Ineedtolookforasecondjob.Idon’twantyoutakingcareofme.”
“Areyoukidding?”Popsargued.“Whotakesustoourappointments?Whohelpsuswhenwedon’tknowhowtouseadamnediPhone?WhofoundourtrainerandhelpsNanaJowiththegarden?Youworkhard,Jessica,andyou’reraisingthatamazinglittlegirl.”
Theamazinglittlegirlherselfboundedbackinandpointedaccusinglyathergreat-grandfather.“Pops!Yourglassesareonyourface!”
“Wouldyoulookatthat!”Headjustedthemoverhisnose,pullinghiscrosswordclosertopeerdownatit.“Ibetyouknowathree-letterwordfor‘regret,’don’tyou,Jess?”
Jesssmiled.“Rue.”
“See?Whatwouldwedowithoutyou?”Hegrinnedatheroverthetopofhisglassesbeforepencilingthewordin.
ONCEHERGRANDPARENTSweregone,Jessleanedagainstthecloseddoor.Fatiguesettledflabbilyintohermuscles,achingdeepintoherbones.Shefeltmucholderthanthirty.Walkingthroughthequietapartment,shepickedupJuno’sshoes,thestraysocks,thecattoys,morethanonecuphalf-fullofmilk,pencils,foodordersonPost-itnotesfromJunoandPopsplayingRestaurant.Shesetthecoffeetimer,packedupJuno’sbackpack,loadedthedishwasher,andglancedaroundthespaceforanyotherrandomdetritusbeforeflickingoffthelightandwalkingdownthehalltoherdaughter’sroom.
JunohadfallenasleepwithFrogandToadAreFriendsopenonherchestagain,hermermaidlightstillon.JessdepositedPigeononherfancythree-tieredcatpostnearthewindow,butsheimmediatelyjumpeddownandontothebed,happilycurlingherselfintoaballatJuno’sfeet.
JessclosedJuno’sbookandputitonthenightstand,tuckedtheblanketsuptoherchin,andsatcarefullyontheedgeofthemattressatherside.Inhersleep,Junofrowned.Herhairspilledcopperyacrossthelightpinkpillowcase.Jesshadn’tseenAlecinalmosttwoyears,butlookingattheirdaughterwaslikeseeinghimeverydayanyway.ShehadJess’seyesbutgothisstrikinglymetallicchestnuthair,dimpledsmile,andgrumpycreaseinthemiddleofherforehead.JesssmoothedherthumbacrossJuno’swarm,kid-sweatybrowandgaveherselftwodeepbreathstowishhewerehere,beforerememberingthatshehadn’tlovedhiminalongtimeanddidn’tneedhishelp.Emptycompanionshipwaslonelierthanbeingalone.
Alecwasn’tabadguy;hejustdidn’twanttobeadad.He’dneverpressuredJesstoterminatethepregnancy,buthe’dmadeitclearwherehestood.Intheend,JesschoseJunooverhim,andtheybothhadtolivewiththat.Hegottoenjoyhistwenties,buteveryoneoftheirfriendsthoughthewasanasshole;Jessgotadelightfulchildbuthadtolearnhowtohustletomakeendsmeet.Sheneverregrettedherchoiceforasinglebreath,though,andwasprettysurehehadn’t,either.
Heavywithexhaustion,Jessswitchedthelampoffandslippedquietlyoutoftheroom,startlinginthehallwaywhenthedoorbellpiercedthesilence.PopslefthisglassesatJess’smorenightsthanhedidn’t,andpullinghersweatertighteraroundherchest,Jesswalkedquietlytothelivingroomtopeekoutthewindow.Butitwasn’tPops.
ItwasJamie.
Jessusedtofeelapotentmixofreactionswhenshesawhermother—relief,anxiety,excitement—butatthispointitwasprimarilydread,andasamotherherselfnow,shefoundthatrealizationsodeeplybleak.
Takingadeep,bracingbreath,Jesshesitatedwithherhandontheknobbeforeopeningthedoor.JamieDavishadwornmanylabels—cocktailwaitress,addict,stadiumusher,girlfriend,recoveringaddict,homeless—butnoneofthemhadeverbeen“devotedmother.”OntherareoccasionshehadshownuptooneofJess’sschooleventsorasoftballgameshewasusuallyhungover—sometimesstilldrunk—andreekingofcigarettesormarijuana.Shewouldmakeashow,cheeringforJess,beingproudofher.Sometimesshewouldbringagroupofherrowdyfriendscallingthemselves“Jessie’sCheeringSquad.”Inside,Jesswoulddieofembarrassment,andthenpanicthatJamiewouldseeitalloverherface,thatshewouldleaveinafitofangerandnotcomearoundagainforweeks.
Andthereshewas,stillbeautiful—she’dalwaysbeenbeautiful—butwithapowderyfinishtoherbeautynow,somethingbothartificialanddull.Alifetimeofbadhabitshadfinallycaughtup
“Mygirl!”Jamiepushedforward,wrappingherdaughterinaquickone-armedhugbeforesteppingbackandshovingasetofbathbombsinJess’shands.They’dstartedtodisintegrateinsidethecellophane,andthebrightlycoloreddustleakedoutontoJess’sfingers.SheknewhermotherwellenoughtoguessJamiehadboughtthemasanafterthoughtwhilegrabbingapackofmenthollightsattheconveniencestoredownthestreet.
Jamiesteppedaroundherandintothedarklivingroom.
“Hey,”Jesssaid,closingthedoor.“What’stheoccasion?”
Hermothersethergiantpurseonthecoffeetableandlookedather,wounded.Herlipstickslowlybledupintothetinylinesaroundhermouth.“Ican’tseemybabyonhertwenty-eighthbirthday?”
Jessdidn’tpointoutthatJamiewasoffbytwoyears,orthemanyotherbirthdaysshe’dmissed.FranklyJesswassurprisedhermomrememberedherbirthdateatall;hersporadicvisitsweren’tgenerallytimedtolifeevents.
“Ofcourseyoucan,”Jesssaid.“Doyouwanttositdown?CanIgetyousomething?”
“No,no.I’mfine.”Jamiewalkedintothekitchen,tappingheracrylicnailsalongthecounter,andthenglanceddownthehall.“Juno,honey?Where’smybeautifulgrandbaby?”
“She’sinbed,Mom.”Jessshushedher.“It’slate,andshehasschooltomorrow.”
Jamiethrewheranannoyedlook.“Kidsshouldgotosleepwhenthey’retired.Alltheserulesjustmakethemanxiousanddepressed.That’swhywehavesomanyofthemonmedicationthesedays.”ShescannedJuno’sspellingtestontherefrigerator,thebirthdaycardshe’dmadeforJess,agrocerylist.“Peopleneedtolistentotheirbodies.Ifyou’retired,sleep.Ifyou’rehungry,eatsomething.Parentsneedtostopschedulingthesekidstodeath.”
Carefully,Jesssetthebathbombsonthecounter.“Itakeanantidepressanteveryday,”shesaidwithcarefulcalm.“Guessthatno-scheduletheoryisn’tasurething.”
Jamieignoredthistocontinueherperusaloftheapartment,casuallyglancingatthespinesoflibrarybooksonthetable,flippingthroughafewpagesononeofJuno’sabouthorses.ThanksgivingwasthelasttimeJesshadseenhermother.JesshadtransferredfivehundreddollarsintoJamie’scheckingandhadn’theardawordsince.JamiehadbeenlivinginSantaAnathen.They’dmetataDenny’s—Jesspaid—andJamielamentedhowherutilitieshadbeenshutoffbecausethebankmadeanerror.They’dtakentheautomaticwithdrawalearly,she’dinsisted.Thosefeeshadmadeotherpaymentsbounce,anditsnowballedfromthere.Butithadn’tbeenherfault.Itwasneverherfault.
“So,howareyou?”Jessaskednow,stiflingayawnasshesatonthecouch.“How’s…John?”
Assoonasthenamewasout,Jesswinced.ShethoughthisnamewasJohn.MighthavebeenJim.
“Oh,”JamiesaidwithaYouarenotgoingtobelievethisleantothesingleword.“Yeah,hewasmarried.”
Jess’ssurprisewasgenuine.“Wait,really?Howdidyoufindout?”
“Hiswifecalledme.”Jamietappedoutacigarettebeforerememberingshecouldn’tsmokeintheapartment,andsortoftoyedwithitlikethathadbeenherintentallalong.“HonestlyIshouldhaveknown.Hehadajob,goodcredit,andaprescriptionforViagra.Ofcoursehewasmarried.”
Jesssnortedoutalaugh.“Arethosethecriteriathesedays?”
“Oh,honey.Don’tlettheageofmenwithgoodcirculationpassyouby.Trustme.”Shesatontheedgeofthecoffeetableacrossfromherdaughter,restingahandonJess’sleg,andthewhiffofgenuinecamaraderiemadeJess’sheartleanforward.“Howareyou?”Jamieasked.“How’syourwriterfriend?Sheissofunny.”
“I’mfine.Youknow,working.AndFizzy,”Jesssaidwithasmalllaugh.“Fizzyisalwaysfine.”
“Areyoudatinganyone?”
Uninvited,River’svoicerammedintoJess’smind.
Andthetimingcouldn’tbebetterforlaunch.
“Definitelynotdating.”
Jamie’sdisappointmentwaspalpable.“Areyoujustgoingtobesingleforever?Ihaven’tmetaboyfriendofyourssinceJuno’sdaddy.It’syourbirthday.Youshouldbeout!”
“It’saschoolnight,andJunoisasleepdownthehall.”
JamiepointedlikeJessmightbecatchingon.“Soshewouldn’tevenknowyouweregone.”
Jess’sheartsettledbackintoitsfamiliarcramp,andshesaidwithpatientfinality:“Idon’twanttogoout,Mom.”
Holdingherhandsupindefensivesurrender,Jamiegroanedout,“Fine,fine.”
Jessyawnedagain.“Listen,it’sl—”
“DidItellyouaboutmynewgig?”
Herabruptlybrighttonesetoffwarningbells.“Yournewwhat?”
“Mynewjob.”Jamiesatup.“Okay…don’tsayanythingtoyourgrandparents,becauseyouknowthey’reold-fashionedandneverunderstandhowexcitingtheseopportunitiesare,butyouarelookingatSkinGlowIncorporated’snewestteammember.”
Jesssearchedherbrainbutnorecognitionflared.“Whoarethey?”
“You’rekidding.”Jamieshookherheadindisbelief.“Theircommercialsareeverywhere,Jess.Theydoin-homefacials.God,Iwanttosayit’sagoodcompany,butit’smorethanthat,it’sawholelifestyle.Awayofempoweringwomen.IgetacutofeveryfacialIdoand—”
Jesscouldn’tkeeptheedgefromhervoice.“Acut?”
“Well,yeah—Imean,tostart.EventuallyI’llhavegirlsworkingformeandI’llmakesomeofeverythingtheymake,andthepeopletheybringonboard.”
“So,likeapyramidscheme.”
“Likeanentrepreneur.”Jamie’swordsweresharpwithoffense.“Iamcapableofmorethanwaitingtables,youknow.”
“I’msorry,Mom.Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.”
“Well,thisisareallyrareopportunity.Maureensaidtheladywhogotherintoitisalreadymakingsixfigures!Andit’sonlythreehundreddollarstostart.”
Ofcourse.“Youneedmoney.”
“Justaloan.”Jamiewavedacasualhand.“I’llpayyoubackwithmyfirstpaycheck.”
“Mom,nogoodjobrequiresyoutopaytogetstarted.”
Jamie’sexpressiondarkened.“Whydoyoualwaysmakemefeellikethis?Can’tIeverdigoutoftheholewithyou?”Shestoodupandbenttograbherpurse.“I’vebeencleanforeighteenmonths!”
“It’snotaboutyou—Wait.”JesswasonthevergeoftellingJamiethatshehadherownmoneyproblemstoworryabout.Jamiesatbackdownonthecouch,andthesilencestretchedbetweenthem.“DidyoustopatNanaandPops’s?”sheaskedinstead.“They’reprobablystillup.”
Jamiehalfrolledhereyes,andJessfoundherselfwondering,again,whenshe’dbecometheparentandJamiehadbecomethechild.“Theydon’twanttoseeme.”
“Youknowthat’snottrue.Ifyou’vegotanewjobandyou’reclean,they’dlovetoseeyou.Theyloveyou,Mom.”
Jamiekepthereyesonthewall.“Well.Theyknowwheretofindme.”
ItwasastonishingthatsomeonelikeJamiecamefromJoanneandRonaldDavis.Atonlythree,JesshadbeenspendingmostnightsoveratNanaandPops’shouse.Bythetimeshewassix,Jamiehadgivenupallpretenseoftrying,andJesswaspermanentlylivingwithhergrandparents.Jamiehadbeenaround,generallyspeaking,butshewasneversteady.WhereasNanaandPopswereinvolvedineveryaspectofJess’slifefrombirthtothisverymoment,shelearnedearlyonthatJamiewouldpickdrugsandmenoverfamily,everytime.
Asmuchasshetriednottorepeatanyofhermother’spatterns,Jessdidtakeafterherinoneway:she’dgottenpregnantyoung.Buthopefullythatwaswherethesimilaritiesended.Jesshadgraduatedfromcollege,gottenajob,andtriedtosavealittleeverytimeacheckcame.Shetookherkidtothedentist.ShetriedtoputJunofirsteveryday.
JesstriedtothinkwhatJamiewoulddonowiftheirpositionswerereversedWouldJamiegivemethemoney?
No.Jamiewouldtellhersheneededtogrowup,stopexpectinghandouts,andtakeresponsibilityforherowngoddamnedself.
Standing,Jesswalkedtothecounter.Sheopenedherphone’sbankapp,wincingasshetypedin$300totransferthemoneytoJamie’saccount.
Iamnotmymother,sheremindedherself.Iamnotmymother.SEVEN
BRIGHTANDEARLYMondaymorning,FizzywalkedintoTwiggs.Shemarchedtotheirusualtable,setherlaptopdown,andeventhoughshe’dbeentoldwhatshewouldsee,stilldidadoubletakeatJessstandingbehindthecounter.
“Thisnewsituation,”Fizzysaid,droppingherpurseontoherchair,“isgoingtotakesomegettingusedto.”
Jesssmiled,swipingaclothacrossthecounterbeforepointingtoasteamingvanillalatteattheendofthebar.“Ifitsucks,lietome.”
Fizzyleanedanelbowonthecounterandpickedupthecup.“IfeellikeIshouldhavemadeyoualittleboxedlunchorsomething.How’syourfirstday?”
“Thesteameristerrifying,andIdidn’thavethelidontheblenderallthewayduringthemorningrush,butnottoobad.”
Fizzyblewacrossthetopofherdrinkandtastedit.Herbrowsliftedinsurprisedapproval.
“Iguessthirdtimereallyisacharm,”Jesssaid.
Fizzylookedaroundthequietcoffeeshop.“Isthiswherewestandandgossipfromnowon?”
Fromwherehewaswipingtables,Danielutteredasimple“No,”butFizzyignoredhim,leaningincloser.
“Listen,Jess,Iknowyouwanttothinkthiscompatibilityscorethingisbullshit,butRalphwasgood.WhatI’msayingis,ifIgraphedthesecompatibilityscoresrelativetomysexualsatisfaction,likeyounerdsmight,therewouldbeadefiniteup-slopetotheline.”
IttookabeatforJesstoconnectthedotsbeforesherememberedRalph,theSilverMatch.Uneasewasanindexfingerjabbinghershoulder,whispering,Don’task.Butcuriosityoverruleddiscomfort.WithaguiltyglanceatDanieloverFizzy’sshoulder,shesteppedfartherdownthebartogetsomeprivacy.“Ohyeah?”
Fizzyfollowedontheothersideofthecounter.“WehaddinneratBaliHai.”
Jesshummedenviously.
“Hewassupereasytotalkto.Weeachprobablyhadonetoomanymaitais,butitwasn’taproblembecausewebothtookLyftsthereandsharedaLyfthome…”Fizzygrinned.“Incidentally,hehasacuteplaceinPB.”
AnunexpectedkernelofangstpingedJess’slungs,andshecleareditwithacoughandstartedwipingthebarinfrontofher.“So,morecompatiblethanwithAidenorAntonio?”
“Withoutadoubt.”
“Doyouthinkyou’llseehimagain?”
“Unfortunately,Igetthesensethathe’stoobusytoreallygetseriouswithanyone.”Fizzyfrowned.“WhywouldhesignupfortheDNADuoduringtheirsoftlaunchifhejustwantedtomessaround?”
Laughing,Jesssaid,“IthinkIrememberaskingyouthatexactquestiononlyahandfulofdaysago.Lookatyou,readytocommitafterasinglenightofmaitaisandgoodsex.”
Fromnowhere,Danielmaterialized,tappingJess’sshoulderandpointingtothecashregister.“Youhaveacustomer.”
“Oops,sorry.”Sheswattedafterhimwithhercleaningcloth.JessjoggedthefewfeettotheregisterbeforelookingupintothegorgeousyetdespicablefaceofnoneotherthanDr.RiverPe?a.
Infairness,Jessshouldn’thavebeensurprised;ifshe’dlookedattheclock,shewouldhaveknownthatitwas8:24andRiverwasrightontime.ButsomehowherbrainhaddroppedtheballonremindingherthatshemightactuallyhavetowaitonhimduringherveryfirstshiftasaTwiggsbarista.Andthiswasthefirsttimeshewasseeinghimaftertheirnon-goodbyeatthecurbfourdaysago.AlthoughJessdidn’texpecttoexhaleactualfirethenexttimetheycameface-to-face,shecouldn’taccountforthetransfusionofwarmththathitherbloodstream,either.Forafewseconds,shestareddumblyupathim,clockingthesameshockinhisexpression.
HebrokehisstunnedgazefromherstolookdownthecounteratDaniel,standingbehindtheLaMarzocco.Then,withthattrademarkunhurriedwayofhis,RiverlookedatJessagain.“Whatareyoudoingbackthere?”Hiseyestookaleisurelyperusaldownthelengthofherbody.“Inanapron?”
“Oh,right.”Shegaveanawkwardcurtsy.“Iworkherenow.”Whenhedidn’tsayanythingelse,sheofferedanartificiallyperky“WhatcanIgetforyou,sir?”
Hefrowned,andhisdarkbrowscametogether;glimmeringbrighteyesregardedherwithskepticism.“Youworkhere?Sincewhen?Ithoughtyouworkedfor…”HeglancedovertothetablewhereFizzynowsatalone,watchingthemhawkishly.Jessraisedaneyebrowinamusementasheturnedbacktoherandseemedtobeputtingthepuzzletogetherinhishead.Finally,hemanagedonly,“Ithoughtyouworked…somewhereelse.”
Inwardly,shegroaned.Whywasn’thejustordering,paying,andsteppingtothesidetostareathisphone?Hadheforgottenthathewastoobusytoconversewithplebeians?
“I’mafreelancestatistician,”shesaid,maintainingthepolitesmile.“ButIlostabigaccounttheotherday.GiventhatIhaveakidandlotsofbills…”Sheheldherarmsouttosay,Voilà
JesswouldgladlytakesixteenhoursaweekatminimumwageandthehittothepridefromservingRiverPe?aifitmeantJunocouldkeeptakingballetwithMs.Mia.
Withoutsubtlety,River’seyesdarteddowntoherlefthand.Wassheimaginingthewayhisbrowrelaxed?Hadhebeenlookingforaweddingband?
“Onekid,”sheconfirmedquietly,“nohusband.”Forabriefsecond,sheletherselfbeamusedbythispotentialscenario.“Wow,thatwouldhavebeenanawkwardpressreleaseforGeneticAlly:‘Founder’sSoulmateIsAlreadyMarried.’”
“MarriedpeopletendtonotsubmitDNAsamples,”Riverrepliedwithanamusedtwinkleinhiseye.“AndIheartheyprefertocheatusingappswithfewerintakeforms.”
Self-preservationwelleduphotinherthroat,andshecouldseethetwinrealizationpassthroughhim:thisexchangefeltsuspiciouslylikenerdyflirting.
“WhatcanIgetforyou?”Jessaskedagain.
Hisexpressionshuttered.“Sorry,Iwouldhave—”Heheldhergazeandthecontactfeltlikeaswarmofbeesinherchest.“Ithoughtyoucalledme‘Americano’theotherday,”hesaid.
Holyduh,Jessica.
Scribblingthedrinkorderonacup,shemovedtohandittoDaniel,whogaveherablanklook.“Ialreadygotit,Jess.”
Ofcoursehehad.Danielsmiledapologeticallyonbehalfofhisnewemployee,handingthedrinktoRiver.SilencefellastheywatchedherstruggletofindthecorrectentryforAmericanoonthescreen.
“It’sunderespressodrinks,”Danielpromptedquietly.
River,hulking,leanedovertopeerupsidedownatthescreen.“It’soveronthe—”
HisfingerlandedonthetouchscreenjustasJess’sdid,theirhandsbrieflycomingtogether.
“Igotit,”shesaid,humiliated.Hepulledaway,andshetappedthebutton,flusteredbythecontactthatshecouldsomehowfeelallthewayupherarm.Nodoubthercheekslookedlikeshe’dbeenslapped.“That’llbethreeeighty-five.”
Hehesitated,andJessrealizedhermistake.Sheupsizedtolarge.“Sorry.Fourseventy-four.”
Theirshareddiscomfortshovedbetweenthem,aloud,uninvitedguestattheawkwardpartyfortwo.Jesstookhismoney,countedouthischange.Butwhatreallywreckedherwasthat,afterthetiniesthesitation,hedroppedallofit—includingthefive-dollarbill—intothetipjar.
FIZZYSIDLEDUPtothecounterfifteenminuteslaterwhensheseemedtoassessJesswasdonebeingmortified.
“Hey.”Sheofferedalittlebest-friend-simpaticosmileandreachedacrossthecountertoofferafistbump.
“Hey.”Jessclearedherthroat,meetingFizzy’sknuckles.“Ibetanendinglikethatnevermadeitintoaromancenovel.”
Fizzylaughed.“Areyoukidding?Thatwouldbethestartofanamazinglovestory.”
“Notmystory.”
Jessfeltherbestfriendstudyingherwhileshepretendedtobeveryengrossedinrearrangingthepastrycase.FizzyhadbeenuncharacteristicallymumonthesubjectofRiver.AfterhearingoftheirDNADuoresult,therundownonthedisastrousGeneticAllymeeting,andJess’stheorythatthestatisticswerecompletelybogusandmostlikelyinvalidatedtheirentirebusinessplan,Fizzyhadstaredatherinsilenceforafewbeatsbeforesayingonly“Igetit.”
“Youokay?”sheaskednow.
Danieldecidedthismomentwasagoodonetojointheconversation,settingtwosealedbagsofbeansdownattheespressobar.Hefrowned.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing,”JessmumbledjustasFizzypracticallyshouted,“Didyounotseethatawkwardrun-inwithAmericano?”
“Whywasitawkward?”Danieltookabeattorecollect,thensaid,“Oh,aboutthedrink?Eh,don’tworryaboutthat.It’syourfirstday.”
“No,Dan,”Fizzysaid,exasperatedwithhimfornogoodreason.“Becausetheymatched.”
Itfeltliketheentirecoffeeshopwentsilentinresponse.
Jessgroaned.“Fizzy,IsweartoGod,Iwillbarehand—”
“Whatlevel?”Danielasked.
“Whatdoyoumean‘whatlevel’?”Jessgapedathim.
Herippedopenabagofespressobeansandpoureditintothemachine.“Ifwe’retalkingaboutDNADuo,Iwasoneoftheoriginalsamples,”hesaidproudly.“BackinmydaysatSDSU.Whentheywerestilltaking…samples.”
Ittookasecondforthattosinkin,andwhenitdid,allablushingJesscouldmanagewasaquiet“Gross,Dan.”
“Imeantblood.”
“Didn’tsoundlikeyoumeantblood.”
“Anyway,Ididitagainaboutayearandahalfagowhentheyputoutthecallforpeopletohelpvalidatetheirspitkit.”Hepulledhisphonefromhisbackpocketandshowedthemthescreenliketheymightseeathreadofmatcheslinedupthere.“ButI’venevergottenanythingaboveathirty-seven.”
Fizzy’sinterestwaspiqued.“Didyougooutwithher?”
“Idid,”hesaid.“Itwasgood,butIthinkwebothhadthisweirdexpectationthatitwasnicebutstatisticallyunlikelytogoanywhere?”
“Ididwonderaboutthataspect,”Fizzysaid.“IwentoutwithaSilvertheotherdaybut,like,ifyougetanythinglowerthanaGold,doyoujustassumeit’smostlikelynotgoingtowork?”
“Eventhough,”Jesscutinquietly,“ifyoubelievetheirdata,theoddsaresignificantlybetteroffindingalastingrelationshipwithaSilverthanwithregulardating…”
Fizzygapedather.“Saysthewomanwhowon’tbelieveherownscore.”
“Whatwasit?”Danielaskedagain.
Jesslaughed.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Fizzy’sright.Idon’tbelieveit.”ShewipedherhandsonherapronandlookedatDaniel.“What’snext,boss?Dishes?Restocking?”
Heliftedhischin,undeterred.“WasitaBaseMatch?”
Fizzylookedather,oneeyebrowpointedsharplyskyward.“Yeah,Jess.WasitaBaseMatch?”
Jessslidapatientlooktoherfriend.“Areyoubeingapot-stirrer?”
“Guilty.”
DanielturnedtoFizzy,whointurngaveJessalookthateithersoughtpermissionordeliveredawarning.
Warning,apparently,becauseafewsecondslater,Fizzysaid,“ItwasaDiamond.”
Jessexpectedhimtoexplode:Howcanyouignorethat?andIfIhadaDiamondMatch,I’dquitmyjobandgetlaidalldaylong!ButjustasFizzyhadwhenJesstoldher,DanielstudiedJessveryquietlyandveryintently.
“You’renotcurious?”heasked,atlength.
“No.”
Danielseemedtobetryingtowraphisheadaroundthis.“IsRiver?”
Jessshrugged.“Whoknows?Wehaven’treallytalkedsincewefoundoutafewdaysago.”
“So,you’regoingto,what?Donothing?”
ShenoddedatDaniel.“That’stheplan.”
Fizzyrolledhereyesandrepeatedwithanexasperatededge:“That’stheplan.Theboring,safeplan.”
Jessgaveherfriendalookofwarning.Itwasn’tthatFizzywaswrong,perse,butJesshadmoretothinkaboutthanjustherself.Shecouldn’tthrowcautiontothewind.Thatwasaluxurychildlesspeoplehad,peoplewithfreetimeandfewerresponsibilities.Boring,safeplanshadn’tsteeredherwrongyet.EIGHT
BUTTHEPLAN,asitwere,wentupinsmokethreedayslateratabout5:17intheevening,whenasilverTeslapulledupbesideJessonherwalkhomeandrolleddownaheavilytintedpassenger-sidewindow.Itwasinhernaturetoignoreallcarsrollingupatacurb,butthisonewasn’tcatcalling.Thisdriverknewhername.
“Jessica.”
SheturnedtofindBrandon“theTeeth”Butkisinthedriver’sseat.Hisleftarmwaswrappedaroundthesteeringwheelasheleanedtowardher,smilinglikehehadanentirepackofChicletshewantedtoshowoff.Hewasdressedcasuallyinabluebutton-downshirtopenatthecollar.“Doyouhaveasecond?”
“Notreally.”Shepointeddowntwoblocks,towardherapartmentbuilding.“Ineedtogetdinnerstarted.”
“Actually,Iwaswonderingiftherewassomeonewhocouldwatchyourdaughtertonight,”hesaid,andhissmileturnedtentative.Despitetheintimidatingsizeofhisteeth,hiseyeswerewarmandbrown,withcrinklesattheedges.HedidnotlooklikeamanwhowantedtopullJessoffthestreet,plugwiresintoherskin,andturnherintoahumanbattery.Jessregisteredvaguelythatsheneededtotakeitdownanotch,imagination-wise.
Approachingthecar,sheleaneddown,restingherforearmsonthewindowsill.“I’msurethisisfrustratingforyou,butI’mreallynotinterestedinpursuingthis.”
“Andwewon’tforceyouto,”hesaidquickly.“Ourintentionisn’ttobeintrusive.Iknowthishasbeenan…oddsituation.DavidandIjustwantedtomakesuretofollowup.”
Jesshadtoadmitthey’dbeensurprisinglysilentgiventheurgencyofthefirstmeeting,theenormityofthefinding,andtherushedmannerinwhichshe’dfledtheirheadquarters.Sofarithadbeencrickets.“Youaren’tsuggestinganothermeeting,areyou?”
Shemusthavelookedlikeshe’drelishanothermeetingasmuchasshewouldarootcanalbecauseBrandonlaughed.“No.Thatmeetingwasamistake.Ourmistake.Andprobablytheworstwaytotellyouboth.Wegotoverlyexcited,asscientists—wewantedyoutoexperiencethatmomentofdiscoverywithus,butweshouldhaveexhibitedmoreEQ.”Heshiftedinhisseat.“Wewerehopingtotakeyoutodinner.”
“Tonight?”
Henodded.“Canyougetfree?”
Sheturnedandlookeddownthestreetagain,consideringit.Jesswasn’tblind—Riverwasobjectivelygorgeous—butshecouldn’tevensayshelikedhimasaperson.Plus,shestillcouldn’twrapherlogicalmindaroundthenumber.Herpriorities,inorder,wereherkid,hergrandparents,andherbills.Shewasn’tgoingtopursuethisnomatterwhattheysaidtonight.
“Ihavealotonmyplate,”Jesstoldhim.“I’vetakenonanotherjob;Ihaveayoungdaughterathome,asyouknow.Ireallydon’tthinkIhave—”
“Ipromise,Jessica,”Brandoncutingently,andwhenherattentionflewbacktohisface,hegaveanothertentativesmile.“Wewon’twasteyourtime.”
JESSKNEWASsoonasBrandonpulledupatthevaletinfrontofAddisonattheGrandDelMarthatthiswasn’tgoingtobealaid-backkindofdinner.Theywouldn’tbeeatingtacoswiththeirhandsorsharingpitchersofbeer.AmealattheAddisonwouldcostmorethanherrent.
Sheglanceddownatherlap,brushingnonexistentlintfromtheskirtofherdress.BrandonwouldforeverbeintheLikecolumnforgivingherfifteenminutestochangeoutofheryogapantsandtheyou-can-barely-see-the-stainLululemontopJunohadpickedoutforheratGoodwill.Thebluedressshe’dtuggedonwasstretchy,whichwaswhyitstillfit
Brandongrabbedhisneatlypressedsportscoatfromwhereithungonahookinthebackseat,beamedareassuringsmile,andgesturedforJesstowalkaheadofhim.
“Rightthisway,Mr.Butkis.”Thema?tred’nodded,leadingthemthroughastunningcircularroomlinedwitharch-cappedFrenchdoors.Silverwaretappedgentlyagainstporcelain,iceclinkedinhighballglasses;allaroundthem,conversationhummedatalow,pleasantmurmur.Tablesweredottedspaciouslythroughouttheroom,framedbylowplushchairsupholsteredinscarletandgold
“IsDavidmeetingus?”
Brandonlookedoverhisshoulderather.“Theyshouldbeherealready.”
They.Jess’sstomachswiftlyfelltoherknees:they.DavidandRiverstoodattheirarrivalatatableonthefarendoftheroom
FrozenasBrandonheldthechairoutforher,shefeltRiverwatching,carefullytakinginherreaction.Hismouthdroopedinapology.“Ithought—well,Iassumedyou’drealizewe’dallbehere.”
“It’sokay,”shesaidquietly,takingherseatandstrugglingtoregainhercomposure.Riverwasseatedimmediatelytoherright,andhisdiscomfortoverherdiscomfortwaspalpable.“Imisunderstood.”
Shetookarisk,meetinghisgaze,andhisexpressionremainedlargelyunreadableexceptforasmallcreaseinhisforehead,thehintofconcerninhiseyes.Ifhewereamoreintuitiveperson,shemighthaveinterpretedhislookasaquestion:Isthisokay?
Jessblinkedaway,settinghernapkinonherlap.Astheysettled,thetablefellintoahush.Jesslookeduptofindthethreemenwatchingasshetriedtoanticipatewhythey’dinvitedhertothisdinner.
“It’sokay,”shesaidagain.“Let’sdothis.”
“Let’stakeamomenttostudythemenufirst,”Davidsuggested,“andthenmaybeRivercantellyoualittlemoreaboutthecompanyandourtechnology.”
Theyperusedinheavysilencebeforeagreeingonthefive-coursetastingmenu.Theyorderedcocktails,orderedfood,andthenthefourofthemjust…sat.Itwasunbearable.
“River?”Davidfinallypromptedinafatherlytone.
Riverclearedhisthroat,adjustedhisnapkin.Hereachedforwardtofidgetwithhiswaterglass.Howawkwardforhim,beingputinthepositionoftryingtoconvinceJessthatthiswasallrealwhenitseemedhedidn’twanttobelieveit,either.
“IthinkIunderstandthescience,”shesaid,beforehecouldlaunchintowhateverpitchhewasformulatinginthatbigbrainofhis.“Atleast,Iunderstandthatyou’veidentifiedawidevarietyofgenesyoubelieveareinvolvedinemotionaland,uh—sexualfulfillmentinarelationship.Iunderstandhowthealgorithmcouldwork,intheory.IguesswhatIquestioniswhetherthisparticularfindingisreal.Ifyou’veneverhadascoreofninety-eightbefore,howdoweknowwhatitmeans?”
“Ifweweregivenascoreoftwenty-two,”Riverasked,“wouldyouhavebelievedthat?”
Itwasexactlythequestionshe’daskedherselfonlyahandfulofdaysago.“Yes,”sheadmitted,“becausethatwouldalignwithmyfeelingsaboutyouingeneral.Aninety-eight,tome,impliesthatwewouldbedrawntoeachother.Thatwewouldhaveinstantaneouschemistry.”
Therewasalullthatwasmercifullyinterruptedbythewaiterbringingbreadandcocktails.Whentheywerealoneagain,Davidcarefullyasked,“Andyoudon’t?”
“IgenerallywanttocommitafelonywhenIseehim,”Jesssaid,abutterknifeheldinfrontofher.“I’mnotsurethat’sasignofromanticcompatibility.”
Riverexhaled,settlingbackinhischair.“Thisisawasteofourtime.”
Leaningforward,Brandonengagedherwithhisgrin.“Itcanbeeasiertobelievebadnewsthangoodnews.”
“I’mnotapessimist,”shesaid.“I’dbelievegoodnewsifitwassomeonetellingmeIwonthelottery.ButI’mlookingathim—andhe’slookingatme—andI’msureweareboththinking,‘Thereisnoway.’”
BrandonturnedtoRiver.“Doyoufindherattractive?”
“Thistestisn’tameasureofattraction,”Riversaidblandly.“It’sameasureofcompatibility.”
Jesssetdownherbread.“Youreallyjustsaidthat.”
“Jessica,”Davidsaid,redirectingherattention.“Doyou?”
Shelaughed.“Riverisattractive.Wecanallseethat.”Shemadethemistakeofinstinctivelyglancinghiswaywhenshesaidthisandnoticedatinymuscletwitchingupwardatthecornerofhislips.Itmadeherfeelsofter,bendingtowardhim,andself-preservationswelledupinherthroat.Shehatedit.“Butspeakingtohimislikehavingaconversationwithagrouchycalculator.”
Davidhidasurprisedlaughwithacough,gamelytappinghisownchestandreachingforhiswater.ToJess’sright,Riverexhaledlongandslow.
“Letmetryadifferenttack,”Brandonsaidasthewaiterbroughtthefirstcourse.“Webelieveinthisscience.”Hegesturedtothemenoneithersideofhim.“Idon’tjustmeanthatwehopeitworksbecausewestandtomakealotofmoney.Thatistrue,ofcourse,butthatisn’teverything.Yes,thestoryofthetwoofyoucouldbeverycompellingforourlaunch,butit’salsoascientificcuriosityforus.Sofar,everycouplewhoreceivedscoresgreaterthaneightyisstilltogetherandscoresoffthechartsonmanymeasuresofrelationshipsatisfaction.Wehavetowonder:Howsatisfiedwouldacouplebeatninety-eight?”
“Everymatchovereightyhasbeensuccessful?”sheasked,wonderingathiswording.“IthoughtLisasaidthreeoutoffour.”
“Legallywecan’tsayonehundredpercent,becausenoteveryTitaniumMatchhasactuallyconnectedinpersonyet.”
“Thatmustbeannoyingforyou,”shejoked.
Thistime,David’slaughwasbooming.“Youhavenoidea.”
“You’rebothyoung,attractive,andsingle,”Brandonsaid,rollingwiththismomentarylevity.
“Wearen’taskingyoutomarryhim,”Davidadded.
“I’msorry,”Rivercutin.“CanIjointhisconversation?”
“Yes,”Jessagreed,“whereareyouwithallofthis?”
Thefoodsatneglectedonthetableinfrontofthemastheyallwaitedforhisanswer.“OfcourseIbelieveinit,”Riversaid.“Iinventedit.”
Doyouactuallybelieveourresultcouldbereal?Thatwecouldbesoulmates?shewantedtoask,butthewordsfelttooenormoustopushpastherlips.Shedugintoherscallopsinstead.
“We’reaskingthetwoofyoutospendsometimetogether,”Brandonurged.
“Exactly,”Davidsaid,nodding.“Togettoknoweachother.Giveitalittletime.”
“Unfortunately,”shesaid,liftingabitetohermouth.Ifnothingelse,atleastshewasgettingdinneroutofit.“TimeiswhatIdon’thavetogive.I’mnotsureRiver’smutefiveminutesinTwiggseverymorningwillletusdivetoodeep.”
“Whatifwecompensatedyou?”Brandonasked.
Herhandfroze,dinnersuddenlyforgotten.Ahushfelloverthetable.RiverlookedsharplyatBrandon,butDavidwaswatchingonlyher.They’dplannedforthis.
Ipromise,Jessica.Wewon’twasteyourtime.
“I’msorry,”shesaidhoarsely,“what?”
“Whatifwecompensatedyou,”Brandoncalmlyrepeated.“AllowingyoutomaketimeinyourscheduletogettoknowRiver?”
Shecarefullyplacedtheknifeontheedgeofherplate.“Youwanttopaymetodatehim?”
Riverexhaledsharply,reachingforhiswhiskey.
“Consideritastipendforparticipatinginanaspectofalargerexperiment,”Davidsaid.“Youcouldquitthecoffeeshop,havemorefreetime.You’reanimportantpartofourresearchstudy,one-halfofascoreweneedtovalidate—orinvalidate—ourbinningparadigmpriortolaunch.”
Jessleanedbackinherchair,heartthundering.“So,youneedusto…explorethisuntilafterlaunch?”
Brandonlaughedalittleatthis.“Well,youcanexploreituntil—”
“Assumingwedon’tfallforeachother,”sheclarified,“whatisthedurationofthestudy?”
“TheIPOisMaysixth,”Davidsaidmatter-of-factly.“TodayisJanuarytwenty-eighth.So,justoverthreemonths.”
Andtherewasthetruth,baldlylaidout.
“Howmuchcompensationarewetalking?”
DavidandBrandonexchangedalook.Jessliftedherwaterglasstoherlipswithashakinghand,icetinklinggentlyagainsttheglass.
“Tenthousandamonth.”
Awaterycoughburstfromherthroat,sharpandurgent.Riverreachedoverandlaidahandonherback,rubbinggently.
Thetouchwassteadybutelectric,jerkingabreathfromherchest,makinghercoughagain.Hispalmwashugeandwarm,avibratinghumonherskin.
“I’mokay,”shefinallymanaged,andsettheglassonthetable.
Hepulledaway,curlinghishandintoafistonhislap.
“Andwhatdoesthatamountbuyyou?”Jessaskedonceshetrustedhervoicetocomeoutsteady.
“Yougooutforcoffee.Youdate.”Brandonheldhishandsout,shrugging,beforepickinguphisfork.“Maybeyouhaveapublicappearanceortwo.Basically,yougiveitachance.”
Davidnodded.“Yougettoknowhim,Jessica.”
SheturnedtoRiver.“You’resoquiet.Thisconcernsyou,too,youknow.IrealizeyourdefaultenergylevelisCardboardCutout,butIcan’tgettoknowyouifyoudon’tspeak.”
“I’mthinking,”headmittedinalowgrowl.
Honestly,hermindwasreeling.She’dneverconceivedofasituationlikethis.Wasshephysicallyattractedtohim?Yes.Obviouslyyes.Butsomuchofhimfeltinaccessibleanddeeplyaggravating.
“Doyoufeel…?”Shedidn’tknowhowtoaskthequestion.Shestartedover.“Witheverythingyouknow,andeverythingyou’veseen,doyouthinkthisnumberisright?”
Heliftedhiswater,takingalongsip.Withasteady,unhurriedhand,hesettheglassdownandmethergaze.“Idon’tknow.”
Inthebackground,shewasawareofBrandonandDaviddiggingintotheirfood,tryingtobeinconspicuousastheylistenedtowhatshouldprobablybeaprivateconversation.Jesshatedthewayherstomachheated,thewayitfeltliketherewerebubblesrisingfromherbloodstreamtothesurfaceofherskin.“Doyou…wantittoberight?”
Thelastthingshewantedtohappenwasforsomeonetogethurt,butitwashardtoimaginewalkingawayfromthirtythousanddollars.Howhardwoulditbetospendafewhourswiththismanforanamountthat’dtrulymakeherandJuno’sliveseasier?
Riverclosedhiseyesandswallowed.Whenheopenedthemagain,shesawthesameconflictonhisfacethatshefeltinside.“Idon’tknow,”hesaidagain.
“Sowhyareyouwillingtodothis?”
Heliftedoneshoulder.“IwanttoprovethatI’mright.”
Jesswasn’tsurewhatwomanwouldthinkthatanswerwasgoodenough.Whileshecouldappreciatethistakefromanintellectualstandpoint,thatwasexactlytheproblem:thiswassupposedtobeaboutunquantifiable,instinctivechemistry.
Wasn’tit?
Standing,sheplacedhernapkinonthetable.“Ineedtothinkaboutit.I’llcallyou.”NINE
JESSWAVEDTONanathroughthekitchenwindowandheadedtowardthebackoftheapartment.Junowasalreadytuckedintobedwithabook.Again.Fail,fail,fail.IfJunotalkedPopsintolettingherhavefrozenfishsticksfordinneragain,itwoulddefinitelypushJessovertheedge.
Dideverymomfeellikethis?Jessworkedtoomuchordidn’tworkenough.ShewasspoilingJunoorJunowasn’tgettingeverythingsheneeded.Jesswasahelicoptermom,orshewasignoringherkid.MoreoftenthannotJesswasconvincedthateverydecisionshemadewasruiningJuno’schildhoodinsomeway.
“Hey,Bug,”shesaid,steppingaroundabasketoflaundryandcollapsingontothebednexttoherdaughter.Pigeonstoodandstretched,makingherwayupthemattresstocurlinthespacebetweenthem.
Junoturnedapage.“Didyouknowfemalegiraffesgobacktowheretheywereborntogivebirth?”
JessranherfingersthroughJuno’shair;thestrandswerestilldampfromherbath.“Ididnotknowthat.”
“Thebabyjustplopsontotheground.”Junothrewherarmsoutinadramaticsplat
“Iguessifyourmomisagiraffethat’dbeaprettybigfall.”
Junoangledthebookforher,displayingaphotoofagiraffeandherbaby.“Butthebabyjustgetsupandruns.”Sheturnedthepage.“Andtheirneckshavethesamenumberofvertebraeashumans.Doyouknowhowmanythatis?”
“Ithinkseven?”
“Yep.”Junonoddedonce.“Goodjob.”
Jesslistenedasherdaughterread,butherheadwasaspincycle,theconversationfromdinnertumblingoverandoverandoverinside.Shewasn’tsurewhethershewasmoreinsultedbythesuggestionthatshe’dagree,ormadthatshewasthinkingaboutagreeing.She’dbecrazytopasssomethinglikethatup,right?ItwouldmakeupfortheJenningsaccount;it’dtakecareofhealthcarefortherestoftheyear.
“—thatremindsmeofwhenMr.Lannishadtowearaneckbracebecausehegotacompressednervefromkaraoke.Hey,Mom?”
WhenJessrefocused,sherealizedJunohadalreadyclosedherbook.“What,baby?”
“Whyareyoumakingthatface?”sheasked.
“Whatface?”
Junoranafingeracrossherforehead.“TheoneAuntieFizzycan’tmakeanymorebecauseoftheBotox.”
“I’mnotfrowning,”Jesssaid.“I’mjustthinking.SomeoneaskedmetodosomethingandI’mnotsurewhetherIshould.”
NowJunofrowned.“Isitbad?”
“No.Notbad.”
Purring,thecatclimbedupontoJuno’schest.“Issomeonegoingtogethurt?”
“Ihopenot,”Jesssaid.“Idon’tthinkso.”
“Doyoufeelunsafe?”
Jessbitherlips,tryingtoholdinacharmedlaugh.Thiskidwasrepeatingexactlywhatshewouldsayiftheirpositionswerereversed.“No.”Leaningin,shepressedakisstoherhead.“Idon’tfeelunsafe.”
Onceshesatupagain,herdaughterpinnedherwithasternlook.“Willyoubelying?”
You’reanimportantpartofourresearchstudy,one-halfofascoreweneedtovalidate—orinvalidate—ourbinningparadigmpriortolaunch.
Sheshookherhead.“Iwon’tbelying.”
JunosetherbookonthenightstandandscoopedupPigeonbeforesnugglingthembothdownintohercomforter.“Wouldyoulearnsomething?”
Jessfeltanintensepulseofprideinherkid,andtheknee-jerknegativeanswerevaporatedinhermouth.
Because…maybeshewould.
SHECAUGHTAglimpseofherselfinthemirrorattheendofthehallandwonderedhowthechaosinsideherwasn’tmorevisible.Ifheroutsidematchedherinside,shewouldlooklikeaPicassosculpture:headsideways,nosewherehereyesshouldbe,eyesonherchin.InsteadshewasstilljustJess:brownhair,tiredblueeyes,andwhatlookedlikethebeginningsofastresspimpleonherforehead.Awesome
NanaandPopswereplayingcribbageinthecourtyard;Jessgrabbedabeerfromthefridgeandasweaterfromthebackofthecouchandsteppedoutsidetojointhem.
Mr.Brooksopenedhiswindowwhenhesawher,hiswhiteT-shirtstripedbyapairofgraysuspenders.“Jessica,”hesaid,leaningoutside.“Ineedtotalktoyou.”
JesssharedalookwithNana,andwalkedbacktowardthebuildingagain,lookinguptothesecondfloor.“Yes,Mr.Brooks?”
“I’mpostingtwophotographstotheNextdoorapp.Therearesomekidswhokeepridingtheirscootersupanddownthesidewalks,andIdon’tlikethelookofthem.There’sanentiresidewalk,buttheyinsistonridingrightnexttomystoop.”Hemadeafistandflatteneditagainstthewindowframe.“Idon’twantthemknockingovermybroom.”
“I’llwatchforthem.Iknowyouusethatbroomeveryday.”
“Thankyou,Jessica.Wecan’thavekidsrunningupanddownthestreethere.Toomanycars,toomanypeople.Andtheydon’tmakethatbroomanymore.I’vealreadyfixeditonce.”
Shenoddedinsolidarityand,satisfied,Mr.Brooksleanedbackinsideandclosedthewindow.
Jesspoppedthecapoffherbeerandtookaseatatthetable.“Tobefair,”Popssaid,arrangingthecardsinhishands,“itisaprettygreatbroom.”
“IamnobroomconnoisseursoIshalltakeyourwordforit.”JesswrappedherarmsaroundNanaandrestedherheadonhergrandmother’sshoulder,closinghereyes.“HaveItoldyouhowmuchIloveyou?”
NanaJopattedherarm.“Notinthelastthirtyminutes.”
Jesskissedhercheek.“Okaythen.Iloveyouawholelot.”
“Howwasdinner?”
Jesslaugheddryly.Firstofall,she’dleftbeforeshefinishedeating.Acrime.Second…wheretobegin?“Itwasenlightening.”
“Oh?”Nanaprompted,interestpiqued.Nanalovedabitofdrama.
Sittingup,Jessdrewalinethroughthecondensationonherbeerbottle.NanaandPopsresumedtheirgame.“Doyouknowhowmuchittakestoraiseakidthesedays?”shefinallyasked.
“Adamnsightmorethanwhenweweredoingit,I’msure,”Popssaid,thenplayedanaceforthirty-oneandpeggedforwardtwo.
“Estimatedtobeatleast$233,610.That’shousing,”Jessbegan,countingoffonherfingers,“food,transportation,clothing,healthcare,childcare,andmiscellaneous.Andthat’sonlytotheageofseventeen.”
Popswhistledandreachedforhisownbeer.
“TuitiontoaschoollikeUCSDisfifty-twothousandforafour-yeardegree,”Jesssaid.“Andthat’sanin-statepublicschool.Junocouldwanttogooutofstate,anditwouldquadrupletheprice.Icanbarelyaffordballetlessons.”Shetookalongdragofherbeerandthenstooduptogetanother.
Popslookedatheroverhisglasses;thefairylightssuspendedoverheadreflectedinthethicklenses.Acandleflickeredonthetable;cricketschirpedinaplanternearby.“Ithinkyou’dbettertellusaboutthisdinner.”
Jessreturnedtoherseat.“YourememberthedatingserviceFizzyjoined?”
Nanalaiddownacard,andthenmovedherpegforwardtwo.“Theonewhereyouspitinthetube?”
“Yep.”JessturnedtoPops.“Andyouremembertheguyoutside?Thenightyoupickedmeup?”
“Tall,good-looking?”Hepaused,hissmilesmug.“Soyourmoodthatnightwasabouthim.”
“No,butthismoodis.”Shelaughed.“Thatdatingserviceisn’treallyadatingservice.Or…itis,buttheydon’tjustfindyoudates.Youprovideasample,theycreateageneticprofile,andthentheygiveyoualistofmatchesbasedonthecriteriayouselect.Fizzygotfivebazillionmatchesbecauseshesettheparametersreallywide.”
Popsnodded.“SoundslikeFizzy.”
“Andyoudidthis?”Nanaasked.
Jesshesitated.“Fizzyboughtmeakitformybirthday,andIhadamomentoftemporaryinsanity.ThenightPopspickedmeup,thehigher-upshadjusttoldmeaboutthepersonI’dbeenmatchedwith.Tonight,atdinner,theyhadapropositionforme.”
Nana’sbrowsdisappearedbeneathherwavysilverhair.
“Igavethemverystrictcriteria.Apparently,ImatchedatastatisticallyunbelievablelevelwiththeguyPopssawmearguingwith.”Jesstookadeepbreath.“HisnameisRiverPe?a.He’saPhD,theservice’stopscientist,andoneofthefoundersofthewholething.”
Popswhistled.
“Whatdoyoumean,statisticallyunbelievable?”
“Mostgoodmatchesscoreoverfifty.Sixty-sixtoaboutninetywouldbeamazing.”Jessstaredintoheremptybottle,unabletolookatthemwhenshesaid,“Ourscorewasninety-eight.”
Nanareachedforherwine.
“Yeah,”Jesssaid,andthenblewoutalong,slowexhale.
“Howoftendotheygetaninety-eight?”Nanaasked.
“Never.Thisisthehighestmatchthey’vehadtodate.”
“AnddoyoulikethisDr.Pe?a?”sheasked.
Jesscursedthetraitorouszingthatskyrocketedthroughherblood.“He’sattractivebuthasabroodingvibe.”SheputitinNanaJocontext:“ThinkMr.Darcy,butwithoutthelovelyproclamations.Hecalledmeaverage,didn’tholdtheelevator,speakswithlessemotionalfluencythantheAlexainyourkitchen,anddoesn’tknowathingaboutparkinglotetiquette.”
NanaJogentlyletJess’spettinesssettleinthespacebetweenthemassheandPopsplayedtherestoftheirhands.
“Okay,parkinglotetiquetteaside,couldyoulikehim?”shefinallyasked.
ThequietmurmurofBahnThaicustomersdriftedoverthefence,makingJesswonderwhethertheycouldhearher,too.Sheloweredhervoice.“Asidefromthescore,Ireallydon’tknow.”
NanaandPopssharedalookacrossthetable.“Andtheproposition?”Nanaasked.
“Thatwegettoknoweachother.”Nana’seyeswidened,andJessquicklyclarified.“Notlikethat,jeez.Just—seeifthedataisright,ifwearesomehowemotionallycompatible.”
Apparentlysatisfiedwiththisanswer,NanaJolookeddownathercardsbeforecountingaloudthepointsshehadinthecrib.Shemovedherpegonthegameboard,andthenturnedherattentiontoJess.“Youseemmoreconflictedaboutitthanifyousimplydidn’tlikehim.”
“Well…”Jessstaredintothedarkabyssofherbottle.“Theyofferedtopayme.”
Nanareachedforherwineagain.“Ohboy.”
PopsfixedJesswithhiswaterygaze.“Howmuch?”
Shelaughed.OfcoursethatwouldbePops’squestion.“Alot.”Theywaited.“Tengrandamonthalot.”
Theybothblinked.Thesilencestretched.Acarspedby;someonelaughedattherestaurantnextdoor.
“Justtogettoknoweachother,”Nanaclarified.“Nosex.”
“Right.”Jessliftedasingleshoulder.“Theyneedtovalidatethescience.AndIwoulddefinitelylike$30,000.”
“Butyou’rehesitating,”Popssaid
“OfcourseIam.”
Popspinnedherwithaseriousexpression.“Heseemsharmless?”
“Wedon’treallygetalong,butasfarasIcantell,he’snotasociopath.He’snotnearlycharmingenoughtobeone.”Whenneitherofthemlaughedatthis,Jesssaid,“Hehasalotridingonthecompany,obviously.Idon’tthinkdroppingmybodyinadumpsterwouldbeworthlosingthemillionshestandstomakeiftheyhaveasuccessfulIPO.”
Popstookoffhisglasses.“ThenIdon’tknowwhatyouhavetothinkabout.”
“RonaldDavis,”Nanachastised.“Thishastobeherdecision.”
“What?”hesaid,handsupindefense.“Youwouldturndownthatkindofmoney?”
“Notnow,obviously.”ShemotionedtoherselfbeforegivingJessaconspiratorialwink.“Askmefortyyearsagoandyou’dgetadifferentanswer.”
“NanaJo,Iamshocked,”Jesssaidwithateasingsmile.
“Ifyousawherfortyyearsago,youwouldn’tbe.”Popsleanedback,dodgingNana’splayfulslaptohisshoulder.“Nobody’saskingme,butIthinkyoushoulddoit.Aslongasthey’renotaskingyoutolie,orcheat,orrobabank,”hesaid.“Gotoacouplerestaurants.Makeconversation,hearsomestories.Attheveryleastyou’llearnalittletimetobreathe.”Hepickeduphiscardsagain.“UCSDisn’tgettinganycheaper.”
“YOURKIDCRACKSmeup.”
Seatedonaparkbench,FizzyandJesswatchedJunotrytoteachPigeontowalkonaleash.Thekidtookonestepforwardandpatientlywaitedforthecattofollow.Aroundthem,dogschasedballsandlickedfacesandbarked,tailswagging.Hunkeredlowtothegroundintheharnessandsuspiciousofeveryshadow,sound,andbladeofgrass,Pigeonlookedlikeshewasabouttosprintoutofherskin,cartoon-style.
“OtherthantheGreatCatChaseafewweeksago,she’sneverreallybeenoutofthecourtyard,”Jesssaid.“I’msureshefeelsthewaywewouldifwewereputinaharnessandsetdownonMars.”
FornativeSanDiegans,anyforcedindoortimewasborderlineintolerable,andbythreeo’clockonFridayafternoon,thefirstsunnydayinoveraweek,TrolleyBarnParkwascrawlingwithpeopleseekingsunshine.Theairhadthatbright,coldsmellafterallthepollutionwaswashedfromthecloudsandthedirtwasclearedfromtreebranches.Theskywasanunrealroyalblue.AndJuno’schestnutbraidswereastreakofplayfulredagainsttheblue-greenbackdrop.
“Don’ttugher,”Jessremindedhergently.
“I’mnot.”
Outofthecornerofhereye,JesssawPigeon’stailtwitchjustmomentsbeforeshedoveforward,catchingsomethingtriumphantlyinherpaws.Allthattimeshe’dbeenhunkeringdown,she’dbeenonthehunt.
Junosquealed,delighted.“Mom!”ShewavedJessover,andJesshaltedjustasJunosaid,“Pigeoncaughtaprayingmantis.”
ThatwasaHellNofromJess,butFizzyjumpedup,gettinganeyefulofthesix-inch-longinsectPigeonclearlyhadnoideawhattodowith.Shetrappedit,batteditwithapaw,andsimultaneouslylookedsemi-disgustedbytheentirething.
“Juno,”Jesssaid,laughing,“baby,justgetPigeontoletitgo.”
Junobent,pryingthecat’spawsapartandreleasingtheprayingmantis,whichcalmlyprowledaway.
Fizzysettledbackonthebenchand,somehow,Jessknewwhatwascoming.“Wecouldalllearnalotfromthatcat.”
“Herewego,”shesaid.
“Jumpingonanopportunitywhenweseeit.”
“Mm-hmm,”Jessanswered,distracted
“Like,sure,”Fizzycontinued,ignoringher,“Igetbeingcareful,butwhentheopportunityarises,takeit.”
“LikePigeondid?”Jesssaid,laughing.“Shecaughtthatpoorthingandhadzerocluewhattodonext.”
ShefeltFizzyturntolookather.“Youthinkyouwouldn’tknowhowtousethirtythousanddollars?”
“Actually,that’sthepartthatI’mstuckon—thegreatestincentiveandthebiggestdrawback.Ineedmoney,butinsomeways,Ithinkit’dbeeasiertodothispurelyforthesakeofscienceorwhatever.”Sheshrugged,tiltingherfacetothesky.“Beingpaidto‘gettoknowRiver’feelsvaguely…illegal.”
Fizzylaughed.“Andsee,Iputthatinthe‘pro’column.”
“You’retheadventurousone.”
“AllI’msayingisyou’dbeinsanetonotdothis.”
Jessletoutalong,slowbreath.“Trustme,I’mseriouslyconsideringit.”
“Good.”Afteralongstretchofquiet,Fizzyadded,“Incidentally,ImetsomeoneIreallylikelastnight.”
They’dbeentogethersincealmostseventhirtythatmorning,andshewasonlymentioningthisnow?“Really?Isheamatch?”
“Heiswhat’sknowninscienceasan‘organicmatch,’”Fizzyjoked.“Danielhadafewpeopleover,andthisguyRobwasthere.He’sDaniel’sbrother’sfriendfromcollegeandisnowabanker,whichIrealizesoundssogenericithastobefake,butImadehimshowmehisbusinesscardandit’slegit.Itactuallysays‘Banker.’He’sfunnyandgood-looking,andIwasinpeakFizzymodelastnightandheseemedcharmedbyit.”
“PeakFizzymodeasinoralmanifestoaboutthepositiveimpactofromancenovelsonsociety?OrpeakFizzymodeasinspontaneouslywallpaperingyourbedroomatmidnightwithpagesfromyourfavoritebooks?”
“PeakFizzymodeasinthreeshotsoftequilaandrecruitingRobtohelpmehideDaniel’sshoesalloverthehouse.”
“Ah.”JessturnedherattentionbacktoJuno,whohadgivenuponwalkingPigeonandwaslettingotherchildrenpetthecatinstead.“YoushouldhaveBankerRobtestedtoseehowhecomparestotheotherdates.”
“I’mnotactuallysureIwantto,”Fizzysaid.“Ihadthescoresforthoseotherguys,andwehadfun,butgoinginknowingthattheyprobablywouldn’tworklong-termmadeiteasytonottakeitseriously.Ididn’texpectmydatestobelife-altering,andtheyweren’t.Wasitbecausethetestisright,orbecauseIdidn’texpectthemtobesoulmates?”
“Imean,statisticallyyou’remorelikelytogetasoulmatewithaSilverMatchthanyouaretoevergetaTitaniumMatch.”
“You’restatisticsizingme.”
Jesslaughed.WhatcouldshereallysaytoFizzywhenshewas,herself,grapplingwiththeoppositeconcern:Didpeoplegivenascoreofninety-eightjustassumethatpersonwouldbetheirhappilyeverafter?
“AndIkeepthinkingyou’recrazytonotgettoknowRiver,”Fizzycontinued,“butifIgotaDiamondMatch,wouldIfeeloverwhelmedwiththepressureandbail,too?”
Jesslaughedattheirmentalsymmetry.“Mm-hmm.”
“Thenagain,IthinkifIgotevenaGoldMatch,I’dbeprettystoked.”Fizzypulledalegbeneathher,turningtofaceJess.“There’ssomethingaboutknowingyoualignaccordingtoallofthesebiologicalfactorsthatmakesiteasiertoimaginecompromisingonsomeofthewaysI’msetinmyroutine.”Shepaused.“Butstill.”Sheexhaled,puffingouthercheeks.“IlikeRob.Idon’twanttoknowyetthatheandIaren’tsupposedtoenduptogether.”
“Soyoudobelieveit?”Jessasked,gentlypokingFizzy’skneewithherindexfinger.“AllofthisDNADuostuff?”
Fizzycaughtherhandandinterlacedtheirfingers.“Ithinkthemoreimportantquestionis:Doyou?”TEN
CONSUMEDBYAstrangedisorientation,JessclimbedfromhercaroutsidetheGeneticAllybuilding.Itwasafterseven,andtheparkinglotwasempty,butthestillnesswassomehowmoreunsettling.Herhandsseemedtofloattenfeetawayfromherbody;itfeltlikeshewasglidingmorethanwalking.Thisphysicaldissociationwasn’tnewtoher.She’dfeltitonandoffherentirechildhood,andtherapyhadrevealedthatithappenedwhenshewasavoidingthinkingaboutwhatitallmeant.ButeverytimeshethoughtabouttheprospectthattheDNADuoreallywasrightandthatsheandRivermightactuallybegoodtogether,awallwentupinsideherandtheentirementalmonologuejustwentdark.
Andnowthatshewashere,Jesshadnoideawhethershe’dmadetherightdecisionbytellingDavidthatshewouldcometotheofficetomeetwiththem.Theirlawyerwouldbepresent.Theywouldsignacontract…afterthat,Jesshadnoclue.
SheexpectedtobemetbythereceptionistormaybeLisa.Butthistime,waitingforherneartheuntouchedcoucheswasRiver.
Herbreathcaughtinherthroat.Hiddenintheshadows,helookedskyscrapertallandangular.Thethoughtofrelishingtouchinghim…itmadeherfeellight-headed.
Hepulledhishandfromapocketandlifteditinacarefulwave.“Hey.”Hishandhesitated,unsure,risinguptoscratchthebackofhisneck.“Ididn’tknowwhetheryou’dactuallyshowup.”
“Thatmakestwoofus.”
What’sinitforyou?shewantedtoask.Isthisaboutglory,ormoney,orsomethingelse?Hecertainlywasn’thereforthepursuitoflove.
Withalittlesidewardtiltofhishead,heledherbackthroughthedoubledoors,downthehall,totheelevator,wherehedepressedtheUpbuttonwiththatlongindexfinger.
“Howwasyourday?”
Jessbitherbottomlip,swallowinganincreduloussmile.Hewastrying.“Um,itwasfine,howwasyours?”
“Prettygood.”
“Doyoualwaysworkthislate?”
“Prettymuch.”
Thedoorsopened;theysteppedinandwereswallowedintothetinyvesseltogether.
“Doyouhaveanyquestionsforme?”heasked.
Shewasn’tfastenoughthistime,andthesurprisedlaughescaped.“Yes.Thousands.Howniceofyoutoask.”
“Okay,”hesaid,smilingdownathisshoes,“IguessIdeservethat.”
“TheonlyoneIthinkIreallyneedtoknowbeforewegointotheconferenceroomis:Isittrueyou’renotcurrentlyinarelationshipwithanyone?”
Rivershookhishead.“IwouldneverdothisifIwere.”
“Okay,good,”shesaid,andquicklyaddedwhenhisbrowsslowlyrose:“Meeither.”
“Idohaveonequestion,”hesaidastheyreachedthesecondfloor.Thedoorsopened,andtheysteppedoutintothehall,butthenstoppedandfacedeachotherstilloutofhearingrangeoftheconferenceroom.“Whydidyoutakethetestinthefirstplace?Youdon’tseemtobeallthatexcitedabouttheprospectofanymatch,letaloneaDiamond.”
“That,”Jesssaid,grinningandpointingathim,“isthequestionoftheday.”Hersmilefaded,handdropped,andsherealizedshewasn’tgoingtogetoutofthiswithdeflectionorhumor.Hiswasagoodquestion.She’dgenuinelyfeltadesiretostartmakingherownlifebiggerinthemoment,sowhywassheherenow,feelingresistanttotheentireprocess?
ImmediatelyJessknew:theideaoffindingTheOne—itwasjusttoomuch.
“I’dhadareallybadday,”shesaidquietly.“ThatdayIranintoyoudowntown.Youtookmyparkingspot.Youdidn’tholdtheelevator.Ilostabigaccount,hadtositinaroomfullofsmugmarriedcouples,wenthome,andjustfeltpathetic.Ispitintothevialandsentit,butIshouldn’thave.”
Shewatchedthereactiontothispassacrosshisfeatures.
“Weallfeelworstatnight,”shesaid.“Ishouldhavewaiteduntilthemorning.”
Henoddedonce.“Okay.”
Andthenheturnedandcontinueddownthehallway.
Thatwasit?Seriously?HeaskedtheHardQuestionandsheansweredhonestlyandhenoddedandmovedon?
Whatwasheeventhinking?Thismanwasavault.
Riverwaitedatthethresholdtotheroomforher,andgesturedforhertostepinaheadofhim.She’dexpectedaroomfulofpeopletowitnesstheceremonialcontractsigningbetweentwoDiamondMatcheswho,atbest,toleratedeachother.Butinstead,therewereonlytwopeopleinside:DavidandamanJessdidn’tknow,butwholookedsomuchlikeDonCheadlethatshefeltanexcitedsmileburstacrossherfacebeforesherealizedhewasjustaveryclosedoppelg?nger.
Davidclockedherreaction,andlaughed.“Iknow.It’suncanny.”
“I’mOmarGamble,”DonCheadlesaid.“I’mtheheadlegalcounselforGeneticAlly.It’snicetomeetyou,Jessica.”
“JustJess.”Shereachedout,shakinghishand.
Whatweretheythinkingofherrightnow?Desperate?Stupid?Opportunistic?Honestly,though,forthatmuchmoney,didsheevencarewhattheythought?
Therewasn’tmuchmoretobesaid,sotheyallshuffledtotheirchairs.Omaropenedafolderandpulledoutasmallstackofpapers.“Weknowyouhaven’tbroughtlegalcounsel,butwantedtogiveyousometimetolookthisover.”
“WouldyoulikeRiverandmetoleavetheroom?”Davidasked.
Riverbegantostand,whichirkedher.Atleastletherdecide.
Obstinately,shesaid,“No.Stay,ifyoudon’tmind.”
Slowly,Riversettledbackintohisseat.
Honestly,thissituationwasafirst.SheandRiversatbesideeachotherononeside,facingDavidandOmar,andshe’djustaskedthemtostayandessentiallywatchherreadfivedensepagesoflegalese.Ascarefullyasshecouldunderthepressoftheirconspicuousattention,shereadthroughthecontract.
WHEREASIndividualA(JESSICADAVIS)hasindicatedtoGENETICALLYLLCandIndividualB(RIVERPE?A)awillingnesstoengage…
…IndividualAfurtheragreestolimitdisclosureofConfidentialInformation…
…atleastthree(3)interactionspercalendarweekincludingbutnotlimitedtooutings,phonecalls…
…publicityappearancesand/orinterviewsnottoexceedtwo(2)percalendarweek…
…explicitlystatethatnophysicalcontactiscontractuallyobligatedonthepartofIndividualAorIndividualBthroughoutthe…
…willbecompensatedintheamountoftenthousanddollars($10,000USD)permonthforthedurationofthecontract,beginningonthe10thdayofFebruary…
…INWITNESSWHEREOF,IndividualAandIndividualBhaveexecutedthisagreementhimselforherselforhavecausedthisAgreementtobeexecutedbyhisorherappointedrepresentativeasofthesignaturedatebelow.
Jessleanedback,exhalingslowly.Thiswas…alottotakein.
“Takeyourtime,”Omarsaidwithasmilethatfilledhiseyes.“It’sastrangesituation,wegetit.”
ShelookedatRiver.“Haveyoureadit?”
Henodded.
“Didyouhaveanyobjections?”
Hestaredather,blinked.Finally,“Myconcernswereaddressedbeforeyouarrived.”
“Andtheywere?”
“Irequesteditemfifteen.”
Jesslookeddown,flippingtothesecondpage.…nophysicalcontactisobligatedonthepartofIndividualAorIndividualBthroughoutthedurationoftheAgreement,andanysuchcontactisatthesolediscretionofthepartieslistedherein.GeneticAllyLLC,anditsagents,assigns,officers,andBoardofDirectors,areherebyindemnifiedagainstanyclaimofactionorresultingdamagesarisingfromanysuchcontact
HerfeministbrainwasgivingRiverastandingovationforensuringthatshedidn’tfeelpressuredintoanythingphysical.Buttheinsecurebeastinsidewaslouder.Riverwanteditinblackandwhitethattheydidn’thavetotoucheachother?Ladiesandgentlemen:hersoulmate.
Humorcametoherdefense.“Gotit:I’mnotbeingpaidtopetthebeast.”
Omarnodded,stiflingasmile.“Correct.”
“Additionally,ifIfindmyselfunabletokeepmylibidoincheck,”shesaid,“andRiversurprisesusallandrealizesthatbloodandnotsiltrunsthroughthoseveins,andIgetknockedup,it’snotonyouguys.”
Rivercoughedsharply,andOmarsmotheredthissmilewithafist.“Correct.”
Shesaccharine-smiledatRiver.“Nottoworry.Greataddition,Americano.”
“Itfeltlikeanecessaryclarification,”hesaidstiffly.
LookingbacktoOmar,Jesssaid,“OnethingIdon’tseehere—andit’sgood,Iguess—butI’dlikeitexplicitlystatedthatIdon’twantmydaughterinvolvedcontractuallyinanyway.Idon’twanthertobephotographedorincludedinanyoftheseoutingsorinterviews.”
“Iagree,”Riversaidimmediately.“Nokids.”
Itwasthetone,likenailsonachalkboard,thatgotherbackup.“Areyoujustnotafanofhumansofanysize,or…?”
Hegaveherabemusedsmile.“Doyouwantmetobackyouuphereornot?”
SheturnedbacktoOmar.“Canyouaddit?”
Hemadeanoteonhiscopyoftheprintout.“Icanmakethatchangeonourpart,”hesaidwithcarefulprecision,“butwe’llhavenocontroloverwhatthepresswritesifareporterfindsoutthatyouhaveadaughter.AllwecanassureisthatGeneticAllywillnotdiscussherexistencewiththepressoranyofourinvestorsoraffiliates.”
“I’llhandlemyside,keepingheroutofthespotlight,Ijustdon’twantyoutoassumethatyoucanuseherasaprop,too.”
Omarlookedbrieflyacrossthetableatthemanseatedbesideher.JesssawOmar’sexpressionfalterforjustamomentasthetwomensharedsomesilentcommunication.ItwaslongenoughforJesstoregisterthatshe’dsaidsomethingsortofshitty.Theywereclosetothefinishlineofsomethingthey’dbelievedinforyears.
Jesswantedtorephrasewhatshe’dsaid,butthemomentmovedon;Omarrolledforward.“I’llgetthischangemadeandthecontractcourieredovertoyouASAP.”
“Great,thanksfor—”
“Actually,”Rivercutin,andthenhesitated,waitingforhertolookathim.Whentheireyesmet,herribcageconstricted,herbloodfelttoothickinherveins.“I’dliketoconfirm,”hesaidhaltingly,addingafteralongbeatofherconfusion:“Thetestresults.”
Washeserious?Hewantedtoconfirmnow?WhentheyhadacontractinfrontofthemandJesswasabouttosignontobehisfakegirlfriendforthenextthreemonths?“Arewe—Imean,Iassumedyouwouldhavedonethatalready.”
“Wedidconfirmwithyoursalivasample,”herushedtoclarify.“ButI’dliketotakeaquickbloodsampleandrunthelysatethroughthescreen.Alongsidemine.”
Hercheeksdecidedtogoallwarmatthesuggestionthattheirbloodrestinside-by-sidetubesinacentrifuge.“Sure.Whatever.”
Hiseyesrefocusedonhers,andJessrealizedRiverhadjustclockedherblush.“Sure,”hesaidwithasmallsmile.“Whatever.Followme.”
HE’DALREADYGATHEREDeverythingthey’dneedonatrayneartwochairs.Arackwithsterilevials.Atourniquet,needle,alcoholpads,cottongauze,andtape.Whiletheywaitedforthephlebotomisttoarrive,Riverwashedhishandsextensivelyatthesink,driedthemonastackoffreshlabtowels…andthenpulledonapairofbluenitrilegloves.
“You’regoingtodoit?”Jessasked,awarenessdroppinglikeahammer.
Hefrozejustafterthesecondglovesnappedintoplace.“There’snooneleftinthebuildingtonightwhocantakeblood.Isthatokay?”
“Um…what?”
Heletoutashortlaugh.“Sorry,Ididn’tsaythatright.I’mcertifiedtodoit.I’mnotjustfillinginbecausenooneelseishere.”
Jesswantedtokeepemotionaldistance,wantedtokeepthisprofessional.Butshecouldn’thelpherplayfultone:“You’retellingmeyou’reageneticist,aCSO,andaphlebotomist?”
Asmallsmileappearedanddisappeared.“Intheearlydays,”hesaid,“whenweweretestingwholebloodlysate,werecruitedahugecohortofsubjectsfromlocaluniversities.Itwasallhandsondeck.”Heblinkeduptoherface,thenbackdowntoherarm.“Igotcertified.”
“Handy.Canyougardenandcook,too?”
Wasthatablush?Heignoredherquestion,probablyassumingitwasrhetorical,andsafelyreturnedthemtoscience.“I’mnotinthelabmuchanymore.Iusedtogothrougheverydatafilethatwouldcomeoutofthere,”hesaid,pointingtooneoftwoboxypiecesofhigh-techequipmentonthefarsideofthelab.“Noweverythingissostreamlined,I’mneverneededhere.”
“Letmeguess,”Jesssaid,“you’rethemeetingsguy.”
Hesmiled,nodding.“Endlessinvestormeetings.”
“Sendthehotscientistin,right?”shesaid,andimmediatelywantedtoswallowherfist.
Helaugheddownathistrayofsupplies,motionedforhertosit,andholycrap,itwassuddenlysevenhundreddegreesinthelab.
“Couldyou—?”Rivergesturedforhertorollupherleftsleeve.
“Right.Sorry.”Awkwardly,shepusheditupandoverherbiceps.Verygently,butwithabsolutecalm,Rivercuppedahandbeneathherelbow,shiftingherarmforward,andranhisthumboverthecrease,lookingclinicallyatthelandscapeofherveins.Muchlessclinically,Jess—coveredingoosebumpsfromhishandonherinnerelbow—staredathiseyes.Theywere,frankly,absurd.
Shefoundherselfleaningforward,slightlyfascinated,andwishinghewouldlookupagain.“Youhavereallyprettyeyes,”shesaid,andsuckedinabreath.Shehadn’tmeanttosaythatoutloud.Sheclearedherthroat.“Sorry.Ibetyougetthatalot.”
Hehummed.
“Andwhydoguysalwaysgetthethicklashes?”sheasked.“Theyliterallydon’tcareaboutthem.”
Thecornerofhismouthpinchedinwiththesuggestionofanothersmile.“Apainfultruth.”Satisfiedwiththeveinsituation,hereachedforthetourniquet,tyingthebandaroundherupperarm.“I’mgoingtoletyouinonasecret,though,”hesaidconspiratorially,flickinghiseyesuptohersandthenbackdown.“I’dhonestlyratherbepunchedinthejawthangetoneofthosefuckersinmyeye.”
Anunexpectedlaughburstfreeofherthroat.River’sgazereturnedtohers,lingeringnow,andherinsidesrolledover.Hewassogood-lookingitmadehermad.
Someofthismusthaveshowninherexpression,becausehisansweringsmilefadedandhereturnedhisattentiontoherarm,tearingopentwoalcoholpreppadsandcarefullyswabbing.
Hisvoicewasagentlerumble:“Makeafist.”
Isthisahorribleidea?
Hereachedfortheneedle,uncappingitwithapracticedtugofthumbandforefinger.Yes,thiswasahorribleidea
Jessneededadistraction.
“What’sthestory?”sheasked.
“Thestory?”Focused,Riverleanedcloser,andinsertedtheneedlesodeftlythatshebarelyfeltthepinch.
“Yourstory.”Sheclearedherthroat,lookingawayfromtheneedleinherarm.“Theoriginstory.”
Hestraightenedasthefirstvialfilled.“Aboutthis?”
“Yeah.”
“Lisadidn’tgoovertheearlystudiesinthepresentation?”Hisfrowndownatherarmfeltlikeprofessionalconcern,thebeginningofachastisementhe’ddelivertoLisalater.
“Shedid.Aboutyourstudyonattraction,”Jesssaidquickly,anddefinitelydidn’twatchhisthroatmoveasheswallowed.“And,um,long-termmaritalhappiness.ButI’mmorecuriousabouthowyougotthere,whatgaveyoutheideainthefirstplace.”
Hedetachedthefirstvialandscrewedonthecapwithapracticedpressofathumb,simultaneouslysecuringthenewvialinplacewithhislefthand.Thesedisplaysofdexteritywereverysexuallydistracting.
“Youmean,howanassholelikemestartedstudyingloveinthefirstplace?”
“I’mnotsureifyou’retryingtomakemefeelbad,butletmeremindyou:ThisistheroomwhereyoutoldyourfriendthatIwas‘average.’”
Herolledhiseyesplayfully.“Ididn’texpectyoutohearthat.”
“Oh.Inthatcase,it’snotinsultingatall.”
“You…”Hedrewhiseyesup,overherchest,herneck,brieflytoherface,andbackdowntoherarm.“You’reaperfecttestsubject.Fromascientificstandpoint,averageisn’taninsult.You’reexactlywhatwelookfor.”Shewasn’tsure,butinthedimlight,thetipsofhisearsseemedtoredden.Heswitchedoutthesecondvialandeasilyfastenedathird,releasingthetourniquet.“Anyway,thatmorningwasbusy.”Hesmiledtohimselfbeforeadding,“AndIwasprobablyturnedoffbyyourattitude.”
“OhmyGod.”
Riverlaughedquietly.“Comeon.I’mteasing.It’sobviousneitherofuslikedtheotheratfirst.”
“Youdidn’tlikewhenIstoppedyouatTwiggs.”
“Itstartledme,”hesaid,notmeetinghereyes.Heclearedhisthroat.“Igetdeepinmyheadsometimes.YoumayhavenoticedthatIcanbeabit…”Heunleashedthesmileagain,butonlybriefly.Thereandthengone.“Intense.”
“I’vespottedthetraitonceortwice.”
Deftly,heunscrewedthelastvial.“So:originstory.WhileIwasingraduateschool,therewasawomaninDavid’slabnamedRhea.”
Awoman,Jessthought.Ofcourse.
“Wewererivals,inaway.”
ThewayheaddedthelastthreewordstothesentenceclearlycommunicatedRivalswhoalsofucked
Riverpulledtheneedleoutandimmediatelycoveredthepuncturesitewithasquareofgauze.Heheldittherefirmlywithhisthumb,therestofhishandlightlycurledaroundherarm.“Onenight,atapartyatsomeone’shouse,”hesaid,“westartedtalkingabouttheHumanGenomeProjectfromthenineties.”
“Asyoudoataparty.”
Helaughed,andthefull,genuinesounddeliveredaneroticshocklikeaspanking.“Yes.Asyoudo.Weweretalkingabouttheimplicationsofknowingeverygene,thewaythatinformationcouldbemanipulated.Couldyou,forexample,screenpeopleforcertainjobsbasedontheirgeneticprofile?”
“HowveryBraveNewWorld.”
“Right?”Hecheckedbeneaththegauzetoseeifshewasbleedingand,satisfied,reachedforafreshsquare,fasteningittoherarmwithsomemedicaltape.“Anyway,IguessthedrinksflowedandeventuallyIbroughtupwhetheritwaspossibletoidentifysexualattractionthroughDNA.Rhealaughedandsaiditwasthestupidestthingshe’deverheard.”
Jessstaredathim,waitingfortherestofit,andtheheatedeffectofhislaughslowlyfaded.“That’sit?”
“Imean,that’snotitit,”hesaid,grinningshyly.“Itturnedintoarealscientificundertaking,butifyou’rewonderingwhethertheprojectwassparkedinamomentwhenawomanmockedme,youwouldn’tbeentirelywrong.Butitisn’tsupervillainlevelsofinsecurityorvanity;itwasagenuinecuriosityatfirst.Likeabet.Whydidshethinkitwouldbepossibletoprofilesomeoneforanengineeringjobversusagraphicdesignposition,butnotforrelationships?Aren’tbothultimatelyaboutsuitednessandgratification?”
Hehadapoint.
Hisfacetippeddown,helaughedquietlyashecheckedthelabels.“Anyway,Rheawasn’tthelastpersontomocktheidea.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Imaginebeingafairlywell-respectedyounggeneticistandwordgetsoutthatyou’replanningtouseyourexpertisetofindwho’llfallinlovewithwhom.”
“Peopleweredicksaboutit?”
Hetiltedhisheadsidetoside,ayes-no.“Scientistsareoftenprettycriticalofotherscientistsandwhatwechoosetodowithourtimeandknowledge.”
“SoundsliketheliteraryworldandFizzy.”
Hisbrowswentup.“Ohyeah?Howso?”
“Youwouldn’tbelievethethingspeoplesaytoheraboutwritingromance.Callingherbooks‘trashy’and‘guilty,’likethey’resomethingtobeashamedof.Evenininterviews.She’sbeenaskedwhatherfatherthinksofherwritingsexscenes.”
“Yeah,Igetthat.Earlyonnearlyeveryonewhoknewmeasked,‘Areyouthatdesperatetofindagirlfriend?’Theyobviouslydidn’tknowthatin2018,fifteenpercentofAmericanswereusingdatingsites,andthatsamefifteenpercentspentalmostthreebilliondollarsayearonthem.Imaginethatnumbergoingfromfifteenpercenttoforty-twopointfivepercent—”
“Thecurrentpercentageofunmarriedpeopleovertheageofeighteen.”
Theireyesmetandheldastheysharedthisdeeply—andsurprisinglysensual—data-wonkmoment.
“Well.”Sheblinkedawayandbackagain.“I’msureyou’regettingthelastlaugh,andIthinkit’scool.”Hestaredatherindisbelief.“Ireallydo.Ijust…”Jesswincedandtheobviousquestionhungbetweenthem,aswingingsigninthewind.“DoesitannoyyouthatIdon’tbelieveourscore?”
“Notreally.Iadmireyournaturalskepticism.”Hegaveheralittleself-indulgentgrin.“AndwehaveenoughdatathatIfeelfairlyconfidentweknowwhatwe’redoinghere.You’lljusthavetodecidewhattothinkifthistestcomesbackwiththesamescore.”
“Whatareyouexpecting?”
“I’llbelievethetestifitsayswearebiologicallycompatible,butI’mnotascientificzealot,Jess.Irecognizetheelementofchoice.”Hepulledhisglovesoffanddroppedthemonthetray.“Nooneisgoingtoforceyoutofallinlovewithme.”
Withhisfacetilteddown,Jesswasabletostareathimoutright.Smootholiveskin,theshadowofstubble,fulllips.Jesswasn’tsure,butshe’dguessmidthirties.Sheputthementalfilteroftimeoverhisface,imagininghimwithsaltandpepperathistemples,thesmalllinesoflaughterinthecornersofhiseyes.
Sheshiftedalittleonthestool,hitwithanunfamiliarache.
“Whenyousawthefirstcompatibilityscoreoverninety,whatwasyourimmediatereaction?”
Hestoodandpulledonafreshpairofgloves.“Dread.”
Thiswas…nottheanswershewasexpecting.Jessfollowedhimwithhereyesashemovedwiththerackofvialsovertothehood.“Dread?Seriously?”
“Overninetyiswhereweentertherangeofscoresthatcouldcompletelythrowoffourcurve.”Hesettherackinsideandthenpeeledoffhisgloves,turningtofaceher.“We’dalreadyseengreatcompatibilitywithscoresuptoninety.Thescorescomingoffthebehavioralandmoodassessmentstracked.Itwasalllinear.Wedidn’tknowwhattoexpect.Coulditstaylinear?Howwouldthatlookemotionally?Asigmoidalcurvemadethemostsense—theemotionalsatisfactionscoresmightflattenoutatsomepointovereightyandreachanasymptote.Buttoimaginethatathigherbiologicalcompatibilitywemightseeloweremotionalcompatibility—that’swhatscaredme.Wereallydon’twanttobebell-shaped,butwejustdon’thavealotofdataeitherway.”
Heseemedtohearhisownramblingandstoppedabruptly,blushing.
Self-consciousRiverwastoomuchtohandle.Jessshovedfondnessaway.“Youaredeeplynerdy.”
“I’mjustsaying,”hesaid,laughingself-deprecatingly,“ifactualemotionalcompatibilitytankedathigherDNADuonumbers,itwouldnarrowourrangeofpossiblematches,andmakeithardertoarguethatwe’dbeenbinningthemtherightway.”
“Butthatisn’twhathappened,”Jesssaid.“Right?They’realltogetherandhappy.”
“Theonesweknowof,yeah.ButlikeIsaid,there’sonlyahandfulatthetopofthescale.”
Hesatdownatthefumehood,pullingonafreshpairofgloves,sprayingthemwithalcohol,andpullingonasecondpairoverthefirst.
Hewasn’tleavinganythingtochance.EvenJessknewenoughtoknowhecoulddothissampleprepoutonthelabbench,butshewasn’tsurprisedhewasusingsteriletechnique.Still,theanxietybuildinginherstomachhadreachedaboilingpoint:shewouldneedtofindawaytoexplainitiftheresultscamebackninety-eightagain.
EvenifitwasstartingtofeellikeRiverPe?amightnotbetheworstmanalive.
Jessliftedherchintothetwoidenticalhulkingmachinesontheothersideoftheroom.“ArethosetheDNADuos?”
Hefollowedherattentionbrieflyandnodded.“CreativelynamedDNADuoOneandDNADuoTwo.”Shecouldhearhissmile.“DNADuoTwoisdownrightnow.Gettingservicednextweek.It’llbeupandrunningbyMay,Ihope.You’rewelcometostayandhangout,”headded,“buttheassaytakeseighthours,sothedatawon’tbeanalyzeduntiltomorrowmorning.”
“AwildFridaynightforyou?”shejoked.
Butwithhisbacktoher,shecouldn’ttellifheevencrackedasmile.Hisposturetooktheshapeofrenewedfocus.“I’musuallyhereanyway.”
“Spokenlikeatruedreamboyfriend.”
Hescoffed—appreciatingherjokejustaboutasmuchassheexpectedhimto.Jessrealizedshewasbeingpolitelydismissed.Standing,shepushedhersleevebackdown.“ThinkI’llheadhometoJuno.”
“I’llcallyoutomorrow,”hesaidwithoutturningaround.“I’llcalleitherway.”ELEVEN
MOM,DIDYOUknowthefirstrollercoasterwasbuilttokeeppeopleawayfrombrothels?”
JessdraggedhereyesawayfromGoogletofocusonherpajama-cladseven-year-old,hangingupsidedownoverthebackofthecouch.Herhairwasnearlytoherwaist,andPigeonhadmadeherselfanicelittlenestwhereitpooledonthecushion.“Hello,smallhuman.Howdoyouknowwhatabrothelis?”
Junopeekedatherfrombehindherbook.“Iheardit.”
SheliftedherchintowhatJunowasreading.“Yourlibrarybookaboutlizardsmentionsbrothels?”
“No,itwasinamovieIwatchedwithPops.”
JessleanedanelbowonthediningtablenexttoherabandonedbowlofoatmealandslidhergazeovertoPopssittinginnocentlyinthelounger.Hescannedhiscrosswordpuzzle,sayingcasually,“Itwasonsomehistorychannel.”Heflippedapage.“Practicallyadocumentary.”
“Adocumentaryaboutbrothels,Pops?Itcan’twaituntilshe’s,Idon’tknow,ten?”
Upside-downJunogrinnedathervictoriously.“Ilookeditupinthedictionaryyougotme.”
Dammit.
PigeondartedoffthecouchbarelyasecondbeforeJunoslidtherestofthewaytothefloor,landinginagiggling,crumpledpile.Sittingright-side-upagain,sheflippedherheadback,leavingherhairatangledmessaroundherhead.“ItwasamovieaboutBillytheKid.”
JesslookedatPopsagain.“YoungGuns?”shesaidincredulously.“Myseven-year-oldwatchedYoungGuns.”
“Inmydefense,”hesaid,stillnotbotheringtoglanceup,“wewerewatchingFrozenagainandIfellasleep.WhenIwokeup,she’dchangedthechannelandgotinvested.Youwantmetokeepherfromlearninghistory?”
JunoskippedtoJess’ssideandpeereddownatherlaptop.ClearlyJesswasgraspingatstraws;she’dactuallytypedSecondGradeArtProjectsintothesearchbar.
“IalreadyknowwhatIwanttodoformyproject,”Junosaid.“Iwanttodoanarttapeamusementparkwitharollercoaster,acarousel,tinyscreamingpeople,andaTilt-A-Whirl.”
“Honey,whileIappreciateyourambition,thatisalotofwork.”Jesspaused.Andgiant,andmessy,withfivethousandstickytinypiecesthatwouldenduponJuno,Jess,thefurniture,andthecat.“Also,I’mworriedyou’dtellMrs.Kleinhowyouarrivedatrollercoastersforartinspiration.”
“Iwouldn’ttellherthatIknowwhatbrothelsare.”
“Maybewecouldstartbynotrepeatingthewordbrothel.”JesstuckedastrandofhairbehindJuno’sear.“Whataboutahotairballooncollage?Wecancutpicturesoutofmagazinesandgluethemtoaposterboard.”
Herdaughterwasclearlynottempted.
Jessturnedbacktothescreenandclickedonalistofprojects.“Thesepinwheelsarepretty.OraPopsiclestickbridge?”
Junoshookherhead,furrowedbrowpinnedfirmlyinplace.Helloagain,Alec.ShegrabbedabookfromapileonthetableandturnedittoapagelistingtheTopTenAmusementParksAcrosstheWorld.
“IwanttodosomethingcoolandenteritintheNorthParkFestivalofArts.”Junopointedasparklypaintedfingernailatanoldphoto.“ThisisSwitchbackGravityRailroad.It’stheonetheguybuiltsopeoplewouldgohereinsteadofthe”—sheleanedin,whispering—“brothels.”Straightening,shereturnedtonormalvolume.“ButIdon’twanttodothatonebecauseitonlywentsixmilesanhourandthat’sonlytwomilesanhourfasterthanNana’sRascalscooterwhenshebrokeherknee.”
Popschuckledfromhischair.“Ithoughtshewasgoingtomowsomeoneoverinthatthing.”
Junoturnedthepagetoabrightlycoloredcoaster,onewithaloopsohugeJess’sstomachlurchedjustimaginingit.“IthinkIwanttodoFullThrottleatMagicMountain,”shesaid.“Sinceyoudon’thavetoworkatTwiggsanymore,maybewecouldgotheretomorrowforTrySomethingNewSunday?”
JesshadcalledDanielonherwayhomefromGeneticAllylastnight.He’dsoundedmildlyrelivedwhenJessgavenotice;she’dshownnopromiseasabarista.“That’salongdrive,”Jesstoldher.
“Wecouldtakethetrain,”Junosingsonged.
“Idon’tknowifthetraingoesthatfarnorth,”Jesssangback.
Herdaughterleanedinclose,pressingthetipofhernosetoJess’s.“Itdoes.Popschecked.”
JessglaredatPopsagain,butguiltstillhadn’tinducedhimtolookupfromhiscrossword.
“Areyoueventallenoughtoridethat?”sheasked.
“We’llputliftsinhershoes,”Popsoffered,towhichJunorespondedwithanear-splittingscreechassheranovertotacklehim.
Jessrubbedhertemples,lookingupwhenherphonevibratedonthetablewithanunknownnumber.Whowouldbecallingat8:15a.m.onaSaturday?
Thefoggywindowofhermindwipedclean.River
Sheshouldanswer.Sheshould.Heprobablyhadthetestresults.Butshecouldn’tmakeherthumbswipeoverthescreen.Shejustletitvibrateinherhandbeforeitwentovertovoicemail.
Itwasn’tpanicoverthepossibilitythattheresultswereconfirmedlatelastnight.Itwastheopposite:She’dlainawakeuntilaftertwoa.m.thinkingofwhatshewoulddowiththemoney.Collegesavings.AbetterhearingaidforPops.Alittlecushioninthebank.Nowthatshe’dtakentheleapandsignedthecontract,Jessdidn’twantitsnatchedaway.
Herphonescreenwentdark.Shewaited…andwaited.Novoicemail.Great.Nowshewouldhavetocallhim.
Jessreturnedtoherlaptop,fingerhoveringabsentlyoverthekeyboard.She’dresisteddoingthissofar,buttheurgewastootempting.JesstypedDr.RiverPe?aintothesearchbarandpressedEnter.Theresultspopulatedthepage:medicalarticles,UCSDalumniposts,awards.LinkedIn,ResearchGate.Sheclickedontheimagetab,andlow-resolutionthumbnailsfilledthescreen.Thefirstphotowasafacultyshottaken,accordingtothecaption,whilehewasapostdoctoralresearcherintheDivisionofMedicalGeneticsatUCSD.Thereweremorerecentones,too:pictureswithinvestorsatvariousfundraisingevents.Ineach,helookedeasyinhisskin.Ineach,hewassmiling.Jesswassounpreparedforthesightofhiscrinklyeyesanduneven,perfectgrinthatshefeltthatweirdhotflushofdefensiveanger.She’dcaughthintsofhissmileinpassing,butusuallyonlyassmugamusementorflashesofembarrassedlaughter.Jesshadneverseenitlikethis:brightandsincere.Andpointedrightather.
“Ooh,who’sthat?”
“Nobody.”Sheslammedherlaptopshutandpickeduphercoffeewithallthesubtletyofacartooncriminal.“Iwasjust…”Withrenewedfocus,sheflippedopenJuno’sbookagain.“So,rollercoasters,then?”
Daughterslylyappraisedmother.SuspicionslidacrossJuno’sfeatures,butwasquicklyreplacedbytherealizationthatshe’djustgottenherway.“Yes!”
Closingthebook,shescoopeditupwiththeothersandracedtowardherroom.“I’mgonnalookatthetrainscheduleonyouriPad!”
Jessbegantoargue,butherphonevibratedonthetable.Itwasatextfromthesameunknownnumber.
Wouldyouliketohavedinner?
(It’sRiver.)
Herlungsfilledwithhelium.
Doesthatmeanyoureproducedthefinding?
Davidjustemailedthegraph.Icalledtosharetheresults.
Butit’sayesonthefinding?
98,confirmed.
Jessstaredatherphonewhileherheartdecidedtoabsolutelyfreakthehelloutinsideherbody.Flipping,flopping,punching.Itwasreal.
Itwasreal
Sheknewitwasherturntosaysomething,butherhandshadgonevaguelynumb.Stalling,sheclickedonthephonenumberandentereditunderAmericanoPhlebotomistinhercontacts.
Finally,thethreedotsappeared,indicatingthathewastyping.
Areyoufreetonight?
Slowly,onelettercarefullytappedatatime,shemanagedtoreply.
BahnThai.Park&Adams.7:30
Parkinthealleyintheback
“Fourlettersdown,”Popssaidacrosstheroom.“FirstletterisL—‘hurdle.’”
Pushingherphoneaside,Jessbenttorestherheadonherfoldedarms.
“Leap,”shesaid.
“HONESTLY,JESSICA,Ihaven’tseenoutfitpaniclikethissinceIwroteNicolineinHisAccidentalBride.”Fizzysteppedbacktojudgewhathadtobeoutfitchangenumber142.“Andyou’renotevenpretendingtobeavirginpickingoutwhattowearonyourVictorian-eraweddingnight.Takeitdownanotch.”
Jesstookinherreflection,styledandpolishedandhilariouslyunfamiliarinapaddedpush-upbraandV-necksweaterwithanecklinesoplungingitnearlyreachedhell.“Fizzy,Icannotwearthis.”
“Whynot?”
“Forstarters?”shesaid,motioningtothemirror.“Icanalmostseemybellybutton.”
Fizzyblinked.“And?”
Jessyankedthesweateroverherhead,tosseditontothebed,andreachedforadistressedchambrayshirtshe’dpickedupataboutiqueinLAlastsummer.Itdidn’tfitquitethesamewiththebenefitofFizzy’spaddedbra,butevenJesshadtoadmitshe(they)lookedprettygood.
Sheaddedalayerednecklace,tuckedtheshirtintothefrontofdarkjeans,andturnedtofaceFizzy.“Well?”
Fizzylookedherupanddown,asmilepartinghercherry-redlips.“Youlookhot.How’reyoufeeling?”
“LikeImightthrowup.”
Shelaughed.“It’sdinner,”Fizzysaid.“Nextdoor.You’llhavesometomka,someduckgreencurry,andifatanypointyouthinkyou’vemadeamistake,leavehimwiththecheckandcomehome.Listentoyourgut.We’llberighthere.”
NOEXAGGERATION:THEYwererightthere.TherestaurantJesshadchosenwasontheothersideoftheirfence,whichmeantshewasalreadyseatedatatableoutsidewhenRivershowedup.Hewasfiveminutesearly,butgoingbyhisexpressionofsurprise,Jesscouldonlyassumeshe’dderailedhisplantogettherefirst,getcomfortable,andbeseatedwitheasebythetimeshearrived.
Hestoppedwhenhesawher,midstep,uncharacteristicallycaughtoffguard.“Oh.”Helookedaroundthesidewalk.“I—Sorry,Ithoughtyousaidseventhirty.”
Jessindulgedinaquickscan.EventhoughitwasSaturday,sheassumedhe’djustcomefromwork—hewaswearingdarknavytrousers,awhitebutton-downshirtwiththecollaropen—buthisclotheslookedcrisp,andhishairwasfreshlywashedandfinger-raked.
“Idid.Iliverightthere.”Shepointedtoherleftandhiseyestrackedtotheapartmentbuilding.
“Oh.”Pullingoutthechair,hesatacrossthesmalltablefromheranddidhisowninspection—hiseyesskirtingthelengthofherbodyandquicklybackup.Atrailofheatfollowedthepath.Heclearedhisthroat.“That’shandy.”
Rama,amusculartwentysomethingwaiterwhowasJess’sherobecausehefrequentlybootedpeoplefromMr.Brooks’sstoop,stoppedattheirtable.Hegrinneddownather,andthenmeaningfullyslidhisgazetoRiver.“Hey,Jess,who’syourfriend?”
Waytomakeitabundantlyclearthatshe’dneverbroughtadateherebefore.“Knockitoff,Rama.Hisname’sRiver.”
Thetwomenshookhands,andRiversizedupRamawhilehewaspouringwaterintotheirglasses.“Needaminute?”
“Sure,that’dbegreat.”
WhenRamaleftthemtoperuse,Jessliftedherchin.“Didyoucomefromwork?”
Hebroughthiswatertohislips,andJessdefinitelydidnotwatchthempartandmakecontactwiththeglass.ShealsodidnotwatchhisAdam’sapplebobasheswallowed.“Istoppedathometochange.”Heansweredhersmirkwithoneofhisown.“Idon’thaveapartner,kids,orpets.WorkisprettymuchallIhave.”
“Isthatbydesign?”
Hisbrowspulledin,andJesscouldtellhewasgivingthequestionrealconsideration.“Maybe?Imean,oncewegotsomeearlyresultsintheattractionstudy,mycuriositysortof…tookover.It’sbeenhardtothinkaboutanythingelse.”
“Whichisfunny,”shepointedout,“sinceyou’rethinkingaboutdatingandrelationshipsalldaylong,butnoteverforyourself.”
“Iseeitfromabitofadistance,”hesaid.“Iwassofardownintheweeds,lookingatspecificallelesandgeneticvariants,thatuntilmaybethelastyearortwo,thelargerpicturewaseasytoignore.”
Jesswasn’tsureiftherewasabetterwaytophrasehernextquestion,soshejustcameoutwithit:“Isthereapartofyouthatfeelssortofinconveniencedbythisresult?”
Riverlaughedandliftedhisglassagain.Justthen,Ramareturned.“Youguysready?”
“SavedbyRama,”shesaid.
River’seyesheldhers.“Saved.”Heliftedhishand,palmup,gesturingforhertoorder.
Jesssighedandturnedherfaceup.“YouknowwhatI’mgetting.”
“Yup.”RamaturnedtoRiver.“Andyou?”
“Wait,whatisshegetting?”
“Tomkasoup,”Ramarecited.“Andtheduckgreencurry.”
Riverfrowned.“Oh.”Heopenedhismenuagain.“What…um,elsewouldyourecommend?”
Jessgapedathim.“Donottellmeyouweregoingtogetthesamething.”
Rivernoddeddownathismenu.“Drunkennoodles?”
“They’regreat,”sheconfirmed.“Let’sdosoupfortwoandthetwoentrées.”ShelookedatRiver.“Wantabeeroranything?”
Heseemedgenuinelytickledbythewayshetookcharge.“Water’sgood.”
TheyhandedtheirmenustoRama,andJessstaredatherdateacrossthetable.“Butreally:youwerenotgoingtogettheduck.”
“Iwas.”
Shedidn’tknowwheretheurgetolaugh-screamcamefrom,butsheswalloweditdownwithacoldgulpoficewater.
“Didyouworktoday?”heaskedstiffly,clearlyhopingshe’dforgottenwhatshe’daskedbeforetheywereinterrupted.Frankly,ifhedidn’twanttoanswer,Jessprobablydidn’twanttohearthetruthanyway.
“Nana’salwaysbeenasticklerthatifIdon’thavetowork,Saturdayisafamilyday.”
“Youlivewithyourgrandmother?”heasked.
“Yesandno.NanaJoandPopsowntheapartmentcomplex.Theyliveinthebungalow,andIliveintheapartmentacrossthecourtyard.”
“Withyourdaughter?”heconfirmed,andshenodded.“What’shername?”
Afterasecond’spause,Jessshookherhead.Uneasetwistedthroughher.
“Iknowshe’soff-limitsasfarastheexperiment,”hesaid.“Thatwasjustmeaskingaboutfamily.Sharing.”Hepaused,smilingplayfully.“Forexample,Ihavetwomeddlingsisters.”
“Oh,you’reluckythen.Meddlingwomenkeeptheworldrunning.”
“They’dlovethat.”Helaughed,warmandclear.“Botholder:NataliaandPilar.Bothoverbearing.”
“Theyoungest.Huh.”Jesssippedherwater.“Iwouldhavelostthatbet.”
Amusementliftedthecornerofhismouth.“Why’sthat?”
Ramamaterializedagainwithalargesteamingbowlofsoup.Heplaceditbetweenthemandtheysharedafewmomentsofeasysilenceastheydisheduptheirportions,passingthechilisauceandcondimentsacrossthetable.
Jessbenttosmellthecontentsofherbowl—thetangy,pungentbrothwasoneofherfavoritecomfortfoods—andregisteredthatRiverhadjustmirroredhermovementprecisely.
Henoticedatalmostthesametimeandstraightenedinhischair.“WhyareyousurprisedI’mtheyoungest?”heasked,movingon.
“Youngestchildrenareusuallyless‘intense,’”shesaidwithasmile,usinghisowndescriptionagainsthim.“Youuptightperfectioniststendtobeoldestchildren.”
“Isee.”Hislaughrolledthroughher,andhebent,takingabiteofsoup.ThedeeplysexualgroanheletescapewhenhetastedwasdestinedtohauntJess’sbestandworstdreams.
“Whataboutyou?”heasked.“Anysiblings?”
Sheshookherhead.“Onlychild.”
Hetookanotherbite.“Iguesswe’dhavebothlostabet,then.Iwouldhavesaidoldest,withatleastonesibling.”
“Why?”
“Youseemresponsible,smart,conscientious.Bossy.Iimagineyouemulatingyourparentsand—”
Jesssnort-laughedandreacheduptocoverhermouthwithhernapkin.TheveryideaofemulatingJamiewasabsurd.“Sorry,thatwasjust—”Shesmoothedhernapkinoverherlapagain.“No,I’manonlychild.”
Henoddedinunderstandingand,tohiscredit,changedthesubject.
“So,we’vetalkedabouthowIgothere,”hesaid.“Buthow’dyouendupastatistician?I’lladmititsuitsyou.”
Sheliftedabrow.
“Youseemverycompetent,”headded.“It’sreassuring.Attractive.”
Jesswatchedhimpointedlyavoidhereyes.Hehadnowayofknowing,butcallingher“competent”waseasilythebestcomplimenthecouldhavepaidher.
Hesettheglassdownagain.“Buttomyquestion…”
Jesshummed,thinking.“Ifinditsoothingthatnumbersdon’tlie.”
“Buttheycanbemisleading.”
“Onlyifyoudon’tknowwhattolookfor.”Shetookasipofsoup.“I’vealwaysbeenanumbersgeek.WhenIwasakid,I’dcountmystepseverywhereIwent.Iwouldcounthowmanyfloorswereinabuilding,howmanywindowsperfloor.I’dtrytoestimatehowtallabuildingwas,andthenlookitupwhenIgothome.AndwhenItookmyfirststatsclass,Iwasdonefor.Iloveworkingwithnumbersthataremeaningfulmorebroadly.Predictingearthquakesornaturaldisasters,politicalcampaigns,customerservicesurveyresultsor—”
“Genetics,”hesaidquietly.
Ahh.Theelephantintheroom.Shefeltthetopsofhercheekswarmandlookeddown,surprisedagainthatherboobsweresomuchclosertoherfaceinthisbrathantheyusuallywere.FreakingFizzy.Jessclearedherthroat.“Exactly.Aslongasyouhaveenoughdata,youcanfigureoutanything.”
“Igetit,”hesaidinthatsamequietvoice.“There’ssomethingsatisfyingaboutsolvinglittlepuzzleseveryday.”Theyateinsilenceforamoment,andJesswonderedifshewasimaginingthewayhisgazeseemedtolingeronherneck,andlower,downherarms…
“Arethose…”heasked,narrowinghiseyesandmotioningtoherrightforearm,whereshe’dpushedhersleeveupabit,“FleetwoodMaclyrics?”
“Oh.”Herlefthandmovedtocovertheink.“Yes.”Sheturnedherarmover,butheleanedin,wrappinghisthumbandforefingeraroundherwrist,turningitsohecouldseethesoftskinofherinnerarm.
“‘Thunneronlyhappens,’”heread,eyesmovingawayfromthemisspelledwordanduptoherface.“‘Thunner’?”
Jessrolledhereyes.“Felicity.”Hopefullyhe’dgatheredthatsimplysayinghernameshouldexplaineverything.
Hemust’ve,becausehelaughedandlightlyswepthisthumbacrosstheletters.Nothingliketheclinicalwayhe’dtouchedherlastnight,thiswasleisurely,exploring.Andshewasmelting.“Andanotherpieceofthepuzzlefallsintoplace.”
“She—Fizzy—hastheotherhalfoftheline.‘Whenit’sraining’exceptthere’snohinwhen.”Withhimlookingatherandtouchingherlikethat,ittookgreatconcentrationtoformthoughtsandmakethosethoughtsintowords.“Onmytwenty-fifthbirthday,shetookmeouttocelebrate.ItwasareallyperfectnightandIemailedherwhenIgothometosaythankyou.Iwasabsolutelyhammered,andPopsthoughtitwassofunnyhewouldn’tletmeusethebackspacekeytocorrectmytypos.”Sheshrugged.“ApparentlyIemailedherthefulllyricstothesongwe’dsungatkaraoketoprovehowsoberIwas.”
Hiseyesshonewhenheglancedupatherface.Withalookthatmightberegret,hereleasedherarm.“That’sagoodstory.”
Jesslaugheddownatthelastcouplebitesofhersoup.“Popsisbasicallyamonster.”
“Amonsterwithasenseofhumor.”
“I’msurroundedbyjokers,”sheadmitted.
“You’relucky.”
Therewassomethinginhistonethatcaughther,hookedhereyesbackuptohis.Itwasn’tthathesoundedlonely,exactly,buttherewasavulnerabilitytherethatthrewheralittleoffbalance.“Ifeellucky.”Shescratchedaroundinsideherheadforsomethingtosay.“TellmeabouteveryoneatGeneticAlly.Haveyouknownallofthemverylong?”
“Mostofthemsincewestarted.David,ofcourse.AndBrandonwasDave’sfriendfromcollege.”HestirredhissoupandmovedoutofthewaywhenRamareturnedwiththeirmaincourses.“It’sareallytight-knitteam.”
“Haveanyofthembeenmatched?”Jessasked,diggingintotheplatters.
“Brandon,yeah,”hesaid.“Hemethiswifeinthe…”Riverlookedup,thinking,andJessmarveledoverhisdark-lashedwhiskeyeyesalloveragain.“Iguessitwouldbethethirdphaseofbetatesting.Maybefouryearsagonow.TheywereaGoldMatch.”
“Wow.”
Henodded,dishingsomefoodontohisownplate.“Iknow.Hewasthefirst,anditwasareallybigdeal.”Nothinglikethis,thoughhungunsaidbetweenthem.“ThenTiffany—youmetherattheResultsRevealDisaster,”hesaidwithawink,andJessburstoutlaughing.“She’sourheaddataanalyst—shemetherwife,Yuna,whentheymatched.Ibelievetheywereaneighty-four,andYunamovedherefromSingaporetobewithTiff.”
“Howmanycountrieshaveyoupulledsamplesfrom?”
Hedidn’tevenhavetothink.“Fifty-seven.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”Wipinghismouthwithhisnapkin,Riverwasaportraitofmannersandclassacrossthetablefromher.Diditmakeheraterriblepersonthatshewassurprisedthisdatewasn’tawful?Theconversationflowed,thesilenceswereeasy.Shehadn’tspilledanythingdownhershirt,andhe’dcalledhercompetent.Itwasthebestdateshe’dhadinsevenyears.“Andeveryoneelsehasdatedprettybroadly,ifthey’resingleandinterested.”
“Doyouthinkit’sabummerforanyofthemwhohaven’thadaGoldorhighermatch?Like,doyouworrywithinthecompanyitwillbecomeacompetitiveor—Iguess,like,astatusthing?”
Hestaredather,andthenblinked.“Youaskreallyprobingquestions.”
Immediately,Jesswasmortified.“I’msorry.I’mjust—”Ugh.“Sorry.”
“No,no,it’sokay,it’svery…thoughtful.”
Warmthspreadinapricklyrushalongherskin.“Iwanttoknowaboutit,”sheadmitted.“Iwanttoknowaboutyou,andthis,andwhatyouthinkaboutallofit.Imean,we’rehererightnow.IsaidIwouldenterintothisagreementgenuinely.”
“Iknow,”hesaid,andseemedtobequietlyappraisingherwithneweyes.“Iappreciateit.”
“Willyou?”sheasked,feelingherhearthitherfromtheinsidelikeaglovedfist.
“Idon’treallyknowanyotherwaytobe.”Hereachedforhiswaterandtookasip.“Youaskedmebeforewhetherthisresultwasaninconvenience.Itisn’t.Itisn’taninconvenience,butIadmitI’mnotsurewhattothinkaboutit.IfItakeitseriously,itrearrangesmyentirelife.IfIdon’ttakeitseriously,I’mdiscardingeverythingI’veworkedfor.”
“Which,incidentally,alsorearrangesyourlife,”Jesssaid,laughing.
Helaughed,too.“Exactly.”
“Well,inthatcase,”shesaid,“IcanbeonboardforProjectBeGenuinebutCautious.”
Hewipedhishandonhisnapkinandreachedacrossthetableforahandshake.Withherheartbeatinherears,shetookhishand,andhersfeltweirdlysmallinhisgrasp.
“Whathappensnow?”sheasked.
“Iguesswegettogetherwhenwe’refree,”hesaid,andherbraintookoffspinningabouthowthatwouldwork,wherethiscouldevengo.
Andwhereshewantedittogo.
“Okay.”
“Otherwise,wewaitformarchingordersfromBrandonaboutanypublicappearances.”
“BrandonButkis,”Jesswhispered,partlytobreakthetensionofimaginingforgingapersonalrelationshipwithRiveraftertonightandpartlybecause—howcouldshenotsayit?“Comeon,youhavetoadmitit’sagreatname.”
RamadroppedthebilloffattheirtableandRiverthankedhimbeforeslidingthesmallleatherfolderintohislap.Nevermissingabeat,Riverdeliveredthenextbitofinformationwithanadmirablystraightface:“Hiswife’slastnameisSeaman.”
Jessgasped.“No.”
Finally,asmilebrokeacrosshisface.“Yes.”
“Didtheyhyphenate?”Sheleanedin.“Pleasetellmetheyhyphenated.”
Riverlaughed.“Theydidnot.”
Smallfootstepsstompedalongthesidewalk,andtheweightandrhythmregisteredinJess’sbrainonlyasplitsecondbeforeapairofsmallarmswerethrownaroundherneck.“Didyousavemesomeduck?”
Jesspeekedoverherdaughter’sheadtodeliveranapologetic-mortifiedglanceatRiver.Holdingherkidatarm’slength,JessgavethemostconvincingMomFaceshecouldmanage.“Whatareyoustilldoingup,honey?You’renotsupposedtobeouthere.”
“Icouldhearyourlaughinthecourtyard.”
“Butwhatwereyoudoinginthecourtyard?”
“BeatingPopsatcheckers.”
“Pops?”Jesscalledout.
“She’stoofast,”Popsrepliedfrombehindthefence.
Junogiggled.
“I’vegother,”Jesssaidback.SherelentedandkissedJuno’sforeheadbeforeturningheraroundtofaceRiver.Apparentlythiswashappening.“Sorryfortheinterruption.”
HeshookhisheadandsmiledwarmlyatJuno.“Notatall.”
“Juno,thisisDr.Pe?a.”
Junoreachedout,andhewrappedhertinyhandinhislargeone.“River,”hesaid,shakinggently.“YoucancallmeRiver.”
Settlingonhermom’slap,Junotiltedherhead,consideringhim.“Youhaveauniquename,too.”
Rivernodded.“Ido.”
“Doyoulikeit?”sheasked.
“Absolutely.”
“MymiddlenameisM-E-R-R-I-A-M.I’mnamedaftermountains.What’syours?”
“Nicolas,aftermygrandpa.”
Shepursedherlips,lessimpressed.“Hmm.That’skindofnormal,Iguess.DidanyoneeverteaseyouforbeingnamedRiverNicolas?”
“Afewtimes,”headmitted.“ButI’dratherbeteasedforhavinganamenobodyelsehasthanonethatatonofpeoplehave.I’mwillingtobetnooneelseisnamedJunoMerriamDavis.Onlyyou.”
Jessleanedback,takingthisallin,confusedbythewarmwigglyfeelinginherstomach.
Junoshiftedonherlap,andJessheardthetinybellofthecatontheothersideofthefenceseparatingtherestaurantpatiofromtheapartment’ssideyard.“MymomisJessicaMarieDavis,”Junosaidwithexaggeratedsympathy.“Welookedituponce,andtherewerefourhundredofthem.”Shepaused,andwithsurprisinglygoodcomedictimingadded,“InCalifornia.”
“Yeah.”HecaughtJess’seyeandthensmiledbackatJuno.“ButIbetthere’sreallyonlyonepersonlikeyourmomanywhereintheworld.”
What.
“That’strue,”Junoagreedwithunbridledinnocence.
Heimmediatelylookedaway,clearinghisthroat,andJess’sheartscrabbledupavine,swingingwildlybehindherribs.
Riverpulledouthiswallet,smoothlyslidingfourtwentiesintothebillfolder.“Ishouldprobablyheadout.”
Jesssmiled.“Thanksfordinner.”
“Anytime.”HesmiledatJunoagain,andthenquicklyatJess.“Imeanit.”
Theystood,andJessletherpajama-cladkidclimbontoherbacktobecarriedtobed.
Atthealley,RiverstoppedandlookedoverJess’sshoulderattheapartmentcomplexbehindthem.Thetendertipsofvinescouldbeseenbobbingalongthetopofthefence.“Thanksforlettingmeparkbackhere.”
“Wehaveaguestspot.Streetparkingisatotaldrag.”
“Peoplesitoncarsoutfront,”Junoadded.“Mr.Brooksgetssomad.”
Riverfrowned,takingthisinformationadorablyseriously.“Doeshe?”
“Ourneighbor,”Jessexplained.“It’sacastofcharactershere.”
Riverglancedathiswatchashereachedforhiscardoorandunlockedit.“I’mseeingthat.”
Jesssearchedforit,shereallydid,buttherewasnothinginhistonetomakeherthinkhewascomplainingatall
“Goodnight,JessicaMarieandJunoMerriam.”
JunosqueezedJess’sneck.“Goodnight,RiverNicolas.”TWELVE
BURNEDPANCAKES,ONEmissingorangesneaker,catvomitonthebackpack,coffeebrewingwithoutwaterinthetank,andonemotheryellingatherdaughterthatifshedidn’twanttocutherhairthensheneededtoletMombraiditbeforebed.Inotherwords,aclassicmeltdownbeforeeighta.m.Jessdidn’thaveachancetolookinthemirror,letalonecheckheremail,untilshe’dsafelydroppedJunooffatschool,andshewasgladforit,becausethenotificationthatsheandRiverhadbeenaskedforaninterviewbytheSanDiegoUnion-Tribunewouldhavehadherbarfingrightbesidethecat.
“Igotyouremail,”shesaidassoonasBrandonanswered.
“Oh,great!”Teeth,teeth,teeth.ItwasallJesscouldimagine.“Soundslikethedatewentwell?”
Shechewedonherlip.Ithadgonewell.Betterthanexpected.Riverwasn’tsupposedtobefunny,andhedefinitelywasn’tsupposedtocharmherkid.Andyet.“Yeah,itwasfine.”
“Doesthetimingfortheinterviewwork?Iknowtomorrow’sshortnotice.”
“It’slessatimingissue,”Jessadmitted,“thanabraveryone.”
“You?”Helaughedgenerously.“You’readorable.Stopit.”
“Iamverymuchnotusedtopress.”QuicklyJessadded,“Iknowit’swhatIsignedupfor,butIwassortofhopingtostartsmallwithdinners,thenmaybeacoupletweetsnoonenotices,asmallbloginterviewaboutonlinedating,andeventuallyworkingourwayuptotheTrib.”
“Michelleisdoingthepieceandshe’salove,”Brandonassuredher.“She’sgoingtoadoreyou.SheandRivergowayback.”
Jesswantedtoaskwhetherthatwascodeforbanging,butwouldnotaskthat
Brandonreadthroughhersilence:“Shedidapieceonhimseveralyearsago.That’sall.”
“Mm-hmm.So,tomorrow,”shesaid,bitingherlip.“Tomorrowatnoon,ShelterIsland.”Jesspausedandaclammychillworkeditswayupherneck.“WhyShelterIsland?”
“Perfectforphotos.”Heconfirmedherfears,andshenearlyswallowedhertongue.She’dalreadyturnedherclosetupsidedownforthedinnerdate,andachambrayshirtandjeanswasthebestshecouldcomeupwith.Thiswasexactlythesortofthingshe’dbeendreading.
“Ihavetogoshopping.”
“Jessica,honestly,whateveryou’rewearingisfine.”
“Brandon.Youwouldn’tsaythatifyoucouldseemerightnow.”
Helaughed.“Ijustmeanyou’llbefineregardless.”
Wouldshe?ShelookeddownatherthreadbarelightgrayT-shirtandcharcoal-graysweats.She,honestly,couldnotstandnexttoRiver“GQ”Pe?ainfrontoftheSanDiegoBayinanythingthatwascurrentlyinhercloset.
Ontheotherhand,attheendoftheday,asoulmatelovedyouforwhatwasontheinside,right?
OFALLTHEbeautifulplacesinSanDiego—andtherewereindeedmany—fewwereasspectacularasShelterIsland.IfshetookHarbortoScott,hungaleftatShelterIslandDriveandthenanotherleftatthecircle,alongparkinglotoverlookedoneofthebestviewsinthecity:afullvistaoftheSanDiegoBaywiththedowntownskylineinperfect,crystallineglory.Coronadowasvisibleinthedistance.Atnight,theviewwassobreathtakingitfeltlikesteppinginsideapostcard.
Evenduringtheday—especiallyafteramorningshowerthathadlefttheskybrightandclear—itwassobeautifulthatJesspausedforasecondoncesheclimbedoutofhercar,staringatasideofdowntownSanDiegosheshouldappreciatemore.Thebuildingslookedlikesleek,glossyswordsinthedistance.Big,puffycotton-ballcloudsdottedthesky,andsailboatsbobbedonthesurfaceofthebay.AddtothatthesightofRiver,indarktrousers,alongcamelcoatoveranavysweater,hairblowinginthewindlikesomethingoutofanAustenmovie.Woulditbeweirdifshestoodhereandjust…staredathim?Tookaphotoortwo?Nobodywouldblameher.
Forasecond—truly,onlyasecond—Jessregrettednotbeingmoreinsecureaboutherclothingbeforeleavingthehouse.Shehadfinallysettledonblackjeans,awhiteT-shirt,andblackflats.Simplebutappropriate.
Thoughmaybetoosimple.BesideRiverwasawoman—Michelle,Jessguessed.Shewasprettyinajournalistsortofway,whichwastosayshehadtheluxuryofneverbeingthesubjectofherownstory;howshedresseddidn’treallymatter.JesswasbothamusedandaggrievedthatsheandMichellewereessentiallywearingthesameoutfit,withthesoleexceptionthatMichellehadbeensmartenoughtowearacardiganoverherwhiteT-shirt.Itwasnoononagorgeousearly-Februaryday,butJesshadforgottenhowexposedShelterIslandwas.Withthewindwhippingpasttheminchillygusts,shewasgoingtofreezeherassoff.
Noticingherarrival,theybroughttheirconversationtoanend.Thetwomadetheirwayover,andbehindwherethey’dbeenstanding,Jessnoticedamandiligentlysettingupwhatlookedlikeawholelotofcameraequipment.Thiswasamuchbiggerproductionthanshe’danticipated.
Herstomachwilted.
Michellewasevenprettierupclose,comfortableinherskin,withafriendlysmile.Andofcourse,therewasRiver,rippedfromthethickpagesofamagazine,lookingsofaroutofJess’sleaguethatshecouldonlylaughathisapproach.
Henoticedandgaveanunsuresmile.“What’sfunny?”
“Nothing.”Sheliftedahandandletitfallindefeat.“Ofcourse,youjust—looksonice.”
Hestoppedinfrontofheranddroppedhisgazefromherheadtoherfeetandbackagain.Hisvoicewasasandpaperscrape.“Sodoyou.”
“Liar.”
Hequirkedasmile.“Nope.”
It’sallanact,shethought.EvenDraculawasnotoriouslycharming.
Then,soquicklyshewonderedhowlonghe’dbeenworkinghimselfuptoit,hebentdownandkissedhercheek.Jesswassoshockedbythisturnofevents,hemayaswellhavereachedasinglefingeroutandtouchedherforehead,ET-style.Michellewasprobablywatchingthisandwritingtheheadlineinherhead:Wow,TheyAreTotallyFakeDating
Subhead:AndTheyAreTerribleatIt.
“Hi,”Jesssaid,becauseherbraindidn’trememberotherwords.
Riversmiledthisunfamiliar,privatesmileandparrotedcutelybackather,“Hi.”
Subtitlerevision:AndSheIsTerribleatIt.
Michelleremindedthemthatshewasstandingthere,too.“Youtwoarecute.”
Jesshadtoliterallybitehertonguetonotreply,Nowearen’t
RiverseemedtohavealsoexpectedhertocomebackwithsomethingcontraryandofferedaproudflickerofhiseyebrowbeforeturningbacktoMichelle.“Michelle,thisisJess.Jess,Michelle.”
Thetwowomenshookhands,andMichellegesturedtoanoutcroppingofrocksnearthewater.“Shouldwegetstarted?”Astheywalked,shepointedtothemanwithallthecameras.“Jess,thisisBlake.He’llbegettingsomephotos.Fornow,we’lljustchatwhilehesetsup.”ShetiltedherheadtoBlakebutkepthereyesonJess.“Ifyouseehimsnappingsomepictures,he’sjustgettingcandids.Ipromisewe’llmakeyoulookgreat.Justtrytorelaxasmuchaspossible,benatural.”
Jesstookadeepbreathandexhaledascompletelyasshecould,clockingthatintheprocesshershouldersdroppedfromupnearherearsbacktonormalshoulderposition.
Comfortably,asthoughhespentmostofhisdayinfrontofafilmcrewratherthanatinvestormeetings,Riversatonarockjustbelowwaistheightandopenedhisarm,gesturingforJesstositdownbesidehim.
Jesstookthreestepscloserandsatdowninastumble,legsawkwardlypinchedtogethertoavoidleaningintohislong,solidbody.Withease,heshiftedherclosertoaflattersurface,andnowshewasinamorecomfortablepositionbuttheyweresittingpressedtogetherlikepeoplewhowereeffortlesslyintimate.
Whichtheywerenot.
“Jess,”Michellesaid,andthenadded,“Ihopeit’sokaytocallyouJess.It’showRiverreferredtoyou…?”
“Jessisgreat.”
“Great,”sherepeated.“I’veinterviewedRiverbeforeforapieceonthecompany,soIhavesomegoodbackgroundthere,butthisismyfirsttimetalkingtohimasaclient.Beforewegettohim,I’minterestedinhearingabouthowyoucameintoallthis.Whatmadeyoutakethetestinthefirstplace?”
“Honestly,”Jesssaid,“Iwasdraggedintoitbyafriend.SheandI—andRiver—areregularsatthiscoffeeshop,andoneofthebaristasmentionedRiverwasstartingsomekindofdatingsite.Which”—shepointedtohim—“Imean,behonest,helooksmorelikeahotmedievalhistoryprofessor,right?”
Michellelaughed,nodding.“Hetotallydoes.”Shewrotesomethingdown.
“Butheinvitedustocomeouttotheoffices,”Jesssaid,andlookedupatRivertofindhimsmilingatherfondly.Itwasrattlingandthrewheroffhereasy,unselfconsciousrhythm.“So,wedid.”
“Andwhatwasitlikeforyou,meetingJess?”sheaskedRiver.
“Wehadn’tofficiallymetuntilthatday,”hesaid,andreacheduptorunhishandthroughhishairlikeagorgeousstereotype.“I’dnoticedher,”hesaid,lookingatheragainandlettinghisgazemovethoroughlyoverherfeatures.“I’veseenherthereforacoupleyearsnow,buthadnoideawhathernamewas.”
“Didyouwanttoknow?”
HelookedatMichellewithasmallsmirk.“OfcourseIdid.Lookather.”HegesturedtoJess.
“Aboveaverage?”Jesssnarked,unabletohelpherself.
Hegaveheraplayfulbutcautioussmile.“Faraboveaverage.Onlyanidiotwouldsuggestotherwise.”
Michellewatchedthisexchangewithinterest.“I’msensingthere’sabackstorythere,butI’llmoveon.Jess,canyoutellmealittleaboutyourself?”
WhileJessgaveaskeletalrundownofherlife—herundergraduateworkatUCLA,herfirstjobatGoogle,andherlaterworkasafreelancer—River’sattentiononthesideofherfacewaslikethepressofahotiron.Shecouldfeelhimsmiling,noddingatthesevariousbitesofinformation.Shecouldevenhearthetinyhumsofaffirmationheofferedeverynowandthen.Likeaproudboyfriend.Hewasgoodatthis.
“AndwhatdidyouthinkwhenyougottheDNADuoscoreofninety-eight?”Michelleasked.
Atleastshecouldanswerplainlyhere.“Ididn’tbelieveit.”
Riverlaughed.“Ididn’t,either.”
“Icanimagine,”Michellesaid.
“Thinkaboutit,”hesaid.JessswallowedaboutacubicliterofairwhenRiverthreadedthefingersofhislefthandwithherright.Hewasverygoodatthis.“I’veseenhundredsofthousandsofthesescoresoverthepastdecade.I’dneverseenaninety-eight.Whataretheoddsitwouldbeme?”
“I’dsaytheywereveryslim.”
“Slimtonone.Infact,”Rivertoldher,“Jesscouldprobablycalculatethoseodds.”
“Icould,forsure,”shesaid,grinning.“Thatscoreis,aswemathematiciansliketosay,‘deeplyfuckingunexpected.’”
Theybothlaughed,andRiversqueezedherhandinatinyGoodjobgesture.Atleast,sheassumedthat’swhathemeant.ItcouldeasilyhavebeenmorelikeDon’tsaytheF-wordinfrontofthereporter
“Soyougetthescore,youbothtakeabeattodigestit.Thenwhat?”
“Then,”Riversaidwithhoneyedcalm,“wewentoutfordinner.”
“Howdiditgo?”
HelookeddownatJess,eyessmiling.“I’dsayitwentwell.”
“So,”Michellesingsongedgently,“you’dsayyou’reofficiallytogether?”
Instantly,Jess’shandwentslickandsweatyinRiver’sgrasp.AscovertlyasshecouldwithoutMichellenoticing,sheunthreadedit,wipingitonherthigh.“Uh,”shesaid,squintingatthehorizonlikethequestionrequireddeepcalculation.“River?”
Justasshesaidhisname,Rivergaveadefinitive“Weare.”
Michellelaughed.
“Yeah,weare,I’mjustkidding,”Jesssaid,asheadded,“Atleast,we’reopentowhatthefutureholds.”
Smiling,Michellebenttowritesomethingdownagain.JessthrewRiveramurderlook.Hethrewonerightback.Theyprobablyshouldhaveanticipatedthissortofquestion.TheyturnedawayandfastenedsmilesontheirfacesjustbeforeMichellelookedbackup.
“SoIguesswecanagreeit’snew,”shesaid.
“Verynew,”theyrepliedinunison,andlaughedstiffly.
Rivertookherhandagain,andsqueezeditemphatically.Meanwhile,BlakethePhotographerhoveredinthebackground,arcingaroundthem,planninghisattack—orcandidshots.Jess’spalmswentclammyagain.
“Sorry,”shemumbled.
Riverbenttopretendtocoughintohisfreehand.“It’sfine.”
“So,seriously,”Michellesaid,“Ithinkmostpeoplewillwanttoknowifthisfeelsdifferent.Thefirsttimeyousaweachother,Imeanreallylooked,wastheresomesortofinternalreaction?Ascoreofninety-eight—youmust’veknownonsomecellularlevel.”
There.Rightthere.She’dfoundRiver’svulnerability.Thebiologyofit,theassumptionthathisbodywouldsomehowjustknow.Jesscouldn’tgetpasttheunlikelihoodofthenumber.Hecouldn’tgetpastthewayheknewheshouldfeelitineverycellofhisbody.
“Attraction,yes,”hesaidwithouthesitation.“Butwe’reonlyprogrammedtothinkaboutfirstencountersonaveryprimitivelevel.Sex.Coupling.Weareanimals,ultimately.”
Heatcrawledupherneck,andshewastreatedtoamentalimageofRiverbehindher,hisfrontcurledoverherback,teethpressedintothebareskinofhershoulder.
“Butwearen’treallyprogrammedtowonderonfirstsightwhethersomeoneisoursoulmate.Atleast,I’mnot.”Besideher,heshrugged.“ItmaybeironicgiventhatIwanttofinditforotherpeople,butIsomehowhadn’tself-insertedintoanyofDNADuo’sfindings.Truly.Giventhatwe’reacouplemonthsawayfrommyfirstIPO,andhavingsetmyowncriteriasohigh,thelastthingIwasexpectingwasanotificationonmyownapp.So,ifyou’reaskingwhetherIwassurprisedbytheresult,theanswerisyes…andno.”
Herbrainfeltlikeitwaschewing,digestingeachoneofhiswords.Hesoundedsosincere,butwhatwasrealandwhatwasjustforshow?Michelle’svoicejoltedheroutofherthoughts.“Jess?”
Jessclearedherthroat.“LikeIsaid,Itookthetestonawhim.Iwasn’tlookingforarelationship.Hadjustswornoffdating,actually.”Michellelaughedineasycomprehension.“Soyes,Iwassurprised.”ShelookedupatRiver’sopenfaceand,maybebecauseherdefensesweredown,alowhumbeganinherbones.Thedeepvibrationcoursedthroughher,synchronizingwiththehigh-frequency-staticfeelingalongthesurfaceofherskin.Hewassogorgeousitmadeherwoozy.“Andno,”sheaddedquietly.“Inanotherway,Iwasn’tsurprisedatall.”
“River,”Michelleasked,“Ihavetoask:Issharingthisfindingpubliclyaconflictofinterest?”
“Iexpectedyoutobemoresuspiciousthatitwasamediastunt.”
Shegrinned.“Isit?”
“No.”
Shegesturedaroundthem.“Butyou’releveragingit,surely.”
“It’sserendipitous.Doesn’tmeanit’sfalse.”
“Jess,”Michellesaid,leaningin,“doesthepressuretofallinlovewithhimfeel…intense?”
“Yes,”sheadmitted.“Idon’tknowwhatit’ssupposedtofeelliketofindyoursoulmate.I’veneverfoundminebefore,obviously.Andinthiscase,Isecond-guesseveryfeeling,evenwhentheyseemgenuine.”
“River,hearingthat—doesitmakeyouuneasy?”
“Notatall.”Hisvoicerangtrue.“We’rebothscientists.Itwouldn’tbeournaturestodiveheadlongintoanything.”
“Maybethat’swhyyoumatched,”Michellemused.
Jesslookedupathim.Helookeddownather.Shecouldn’thelpmirroringhisnew,privatesmile.“Maybe,”heagreed,anddroppedhisvoice,leaningintowhisperinherear.“ProjectBeGenuinebutCautious.”Jessnearlyshiveredatthesensation.
Michellecutaknifethroughthetension,clappingherhands.“Let’sgrabsomephotosoverbythebenchesthere.”Shestood,andifshewasawareofthedenseemotionalfogthatcloudedJessandRiver,shedidn’tshowit.SheandBlakeconferred,thenwavedthemover.“We’dliketogetthewaterasthebackdrop,soifyoucouldstand”—sheputherhandsonJess’sshoulders,turninghertofacetheparkinglot—“here.Riverjustbesideandalittlebehindher,yes,good,howeveriscomfortableforyou.I’mgoingtobeoverhere,wearen’tlistening.Just—talktoeachother.Asnaturallyasyoucan.Forgetwe’rehere!”
Jesswantedtostareatherwithdeep,unmaskedincredulity.SheandRiverwereonwhatwasessentiallytheirseconddate,andMichellewantedthemtostandtogetherandbeknowinglyphotographedjust—conversingintimately?Naturally?Foranewspaperwithacirculationinthehundredsofthousands?Theyweren’tevengoodatbeingnaturalwhentheywerealone.
“Nopressure,”Jessmumbled.
“Just,”hesaid,searching,“tellmesomethingaboutyour—car.”
“My…car?”
Helaughed,andsteppedcloserbesideher.“It’sthefirstthingthatcametomind.Don’tassumeI’manybetterthanyouareatthis.”
“Iabsolutelyassumethat,”shesaid,cheesingagrinasBlakeliftedhiscameratohisface.“Lookatyou.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Riverasked.
“Whatdoeswhatmean?”
“‘Lookatyou,’”herepeated.
Jesslaughed.
Blakeclickedtheshutter.
“Itmeans,”Jesssaid,“thatthisiswhatyoudo.OfcourseIexpectyoutobesmootheratallthingsdatingandpublic-appearancerelated.Imean,I’m—”
“Ifyousay‘average,’I’mgoingtotossyouintothebay.”
“Iwasn’tgoingto,”shesaid,laughing.Click.
Riverexhaledalong,slowbreathbehindher,warmonherneck.Ashiverranthroughher,rattlingherspine.
Henoticed:“Areyoucold?”
“Freezing,”sheadmitted.
Jessfelthimshiftsohestoodfullybehindher.Justasshewasgoingtoaskhimwhathewasdoing,hestretchedhisarmsoutandshefoundherselfbeingwrappedupinsoftwarmth,pressedagainstawallofhardheat.Riverhadtuckedherintohiscoat,enclosingherinsideitwithhim.
Click.
Hewasn’tshakingorunsteady.Heheldherfirmly,hisfrontpressedallalongherbacklikeitwasnobigdeal.Jess’ssenseswenthaywire.
Michellelaughed.“Jess,you’reblushing.”
Shecouldn’tevenpretendthiswasnormal.“I’msureIam.”
“So,Itakeitthephysicalsideof—”
“Nocomment,”Rivercutin,voicesharp.
Butnowtheimagewaswellandtrulysparkinginsidehermind:SexwithRiver.Himoverher.Sweatybeneathher.Growlingandcommandingbehindher.Jess’sbodybetrayedher,archingbackabit,andhistinymuffledgroantoldherthemovementhadregistered.
MichelleturnedandconferredwithBlakeoversomethingonhiscamerascreen,andJessleanedminutelyforwardforsomephysicalcooldown,butRiverpulledherbackagainsthimagain,wrappinghisarmsaroundherwaist.Pressedtoher.
“You’recold,”heremindedher,murmuringintoherhair.
“Lesssonow,”shesaidunderherbreath,andhelaughedwarmly.
Click.
Jessbitherbottomlip,restrainingahystericallaughthatbubbledupherthroat.“Areyouturnedon?”
Hisvoicewasablendofembarrassedandmatter-of-factclosetoherear.“Imightbe.”
“OhmyGod.”
“Youjust—pressedyourselfagainstme.”
Jessbent,stiflingalaugh—
Click.Click.
—butthisjustpushedherassbackintohimfurtherandheletoutaquiethiss,pullinghercloser.“Jessica.”
Sheunleashedthelaugh.Forjustatinybeat,shewieldedthepoweroftheentireuniverse.JesshadturnedontheformidableRiverPe?a.
Click.
“You’reenjoyingthis,”hegrowled
“OfcourseIam.Soareyou,apparently.”
“I’denjoyitmoreifwedidn’thaveanaudience.”
Click.
“Areyouhittingonme?”
“ItsoundslikeIam.”Heseemedassurprisedasshewas.
“Doweevenlikeeachother?”
Headjustedhisarmsaroundher,heavyandsecure.“Stillunderreview.”
Click.
Hesighed.“Ithink…well,Idon’tknowaboutyou,butI’mstartingtolikeyou.”
Easiertobebravefacingtheparkinglotinsteadofhishandsomeface,hisarmsgroundingherfromfloatingaway.“Idon’tknowaboutsoulmate,butI’dadmittolust.”Sheturnedherfacetotheside.Hismouthwassoclosetohers.
Riverstilled,glanceddownatherlips.“Isthatright?”
HistonesnaggedJess,whofinallyfeltbraveenoughtomeethiseyes.Heatmeltedthroughher.
Click.THIRTEEN
ITPROBABLYSHOULDhaveoccurredtoJessthatherwrappedupinRiver’scoatwouldbetheperfectcandid,butitabsolutelydidnotoccurtoherthattheywouldenduponthefrontpage.
OftheSanDiegoUnion-Tribune
Fizzydroppedacopyontothetablebeforeunloadingherbagfromhershoulder.
“Holyshit,JessicaDavis.”
Jessbroughthermugtoherlips,hidingagrimacebehindit.“Iknow.IsawitonmyiPadthismorning.”
“Howfuckingadorableareyoutwo?”
Shesetthemugbackdown.“Stopit.”
Fizzyclearedherthroat,readingaloud.“‘Thepairhavethesparklinggleamandnervoustrembleofnewlove.Seeminglywithoutrealizingit,Jessleansintohimwhenshespeaks.RiverlooksatJesslikehe’swaitedhisentirelifeforher.Butdespitetheoutwardimpressionthatloveisintheair,neitherbelievedtheresultwhenitfirstcamein.“We’rebothscientists,”Pe?asaidplainly.“Itwouldn’tbeournaturestodiveheadlongintoanything.”Evenso,it’shardtonotbelieveitwhenyouseethemtogether.’”
Jessgroaned.“Seriously.Stop,please.”
“No,no,”Fizzysaid,holdingupahandandflippingtothesecondpage.“Thenextpartismyfavorite.‘WhenthewindpickedupandJesswasvisiblycold,Riverwrappedherupinhiscoat.MyphotographerandIwentquiet,witnessestothelovestoryunfoldinginfrontofus.GeneticAllymaybeenteringacrowdedseaofseasoneddatingservices,butit’sclearthey’regettingtheimportantthingsright.’”
Bynow,Jesswasleaningherheadonthetable,wishingforthebuildingtocollapse.“Canwestopnow?”
“Ifwemust.”SheheardFizzyfoldupthepaperandsetitdownonthetable.“Wasitfun?”
“No,”Jesssaidimmediately,reflexively.Shesatup,andtheliehungfilmybetweenthem.“Yes?”Shetookatoo-hotsipofcoffeeandcoughed.“Imean,no.Itwasn’tfuninthesenseyoumean.Itwasweirdandawkward…butgood?”Shesqueezedhereyesclosed.“Stopit,Fizzy.”
“Stopwhat?”
“Stoplookingatmelikethat.”
Fizzylaughedather.“Yourmainframeisactuallymelting.”
“He’sagood-lookingman,okay?”Jessconceded.“So,yes,there’saproximityeffectthere.”
PointingtoJess’sgigglingsmileinthepicture,Fizzysaid,“Youlooklikeyouwanthimtoeatyoufordinner.”
“Okay,nope.”Jesssatupstraighter,draggingherhairintoabun.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutitanymore.”
“Melting.”Fizzystaredatherinwonderbeforeshakingherselfintoactionandunpackingherlaptop.Theygottowork;Fizzywrote,Jesscruncheddata.ButshecouldfeelFizzylookupathereveryonceinawhile,studyingherlikeasampleinadish.AndshefelttheweightofherscrutinysophysicallythatFizzymightaswellhavebeenstandingbehindher,handsonhershoulders,pressingdown.LuckyforFizzy’sheadandtheexternalharddriveonthetablebetweenthem,shelookedawayjustbeforeJessreachedforsomethingtothrowather.
JessknewFizzyprobablyhadathousandquestionsaboutallofthis.Shedid,too.WhatinthefreshhellweresheandRiveractuallydoing?Howdidshefeelaboutbeingsophysicallyattractedtosomeoneshewasn’tsuresheactuallyliked?Whatshouldshedowithallofthisinterestinherloins?Andinallthissilentquestioning,itneveroccurredtoJessthat8:24wascomingsoon
Thedooropenedwithajubilantding,andherheartskippedaway,doubletempo.
Stride,stride,stride.
Riverpassedthroughtheroomwiththesweepingconfidenceofakingthroughacourt,andJessfelttheairshiftallaroundthem,anhonest-to-Godchangeinatmosphericpressure.
Fizzyleanedtotheside,spottingRiver,hereyesgoingwide.“Holyshit.”
Jessdidn’thavetoturntoknowthateveryonewaswatchinghim.Andthen,evenwithherbacktotheroom,Jessfeltthemallturntolookather
Ignoringthefeeling,sheturnedaround.Riverwassmiling…atpeople?Ahealthyflushtohischeeks,atinyyetunmistakableupturntohismouth.
Fizzy’svoiceglimmeredwithwonder:“Whatdidyoudotohim?”
“Wedidnot—”
“He’ssmil—”
“Iknow,”Jesssnapped.“It’sweird.Shutup.”
Shedidnotshutup:“Whenyoutwoactually—”
Leaningin,Jesshissed:“Shhh!”
Shepretendedtobevery,veryengrossedinherwork,butitwasuseless.Andsheknewwithouthavingtowatchhimthatoncehe’dpickeduphisdrink,hewasheadedtheirway.
Hesetdowntwocupsontheirtable.“Hey.”
JessandFizzystareddumblyupathim.HewassogorgeousandcommandingthatallJesscouldmanageinresponsewasaflat“What.”
Henoddedtothedrinkshesetdown.Aflatwhite.Avanillalatte.“Ithoughtyoumightwantafreshonesoon,”hesaid.
“Thankyou,”FizzyandJesssaidinmonotonalsexbotunison.
Theleftcornerofhismouthtuckedin.“You’rewelcome.”HeheldJess’sgaze,andthedarkweightofitlitthefuseleadingtothebombinherlibido.“DidyouseetheTrib?”
Herneckandcheeksflushedassherememberedhowitfelttohavehimbehindher.“Uh,Idid,yeah.”
Riversmiledknowingly,waitingformore,butshewasunabletomentallyundresshimandmakewordsatthesametime.Finally,heoffered,“IthoughtMichelledidagoodpiece.”
Whywassheoutofbreath?“Itwasreallygood.Shewas…nice.Eventhoughshementionedmyclammyhands.”
Helaughed,shakinghishead.“Youweregreat.”
“Thanks.”ImaginaryRiverwasnakedandbeneathheronthefloor,whichexplainedwhyittookherafewsecondstoadd,“Sowereyou.”
Helookedtohiswatch.“Allright,well…catchyoulater.”Withafinalamusedpursed-lipssmile,heturnedtoleaveTwiggswithhisAmericanoinhand.Stride,stride,stride.Thebelloverthedoorcriedwhenheleft.
Fizzystaredafterhim.“Whatjusthappened?”
“Heboughtuscoffee.”Jesswasextremelycasual.Notatallunsettled.“Calmdown,Fizz.”
Meanwhile,herbrainwasshoutinginallcaps.
“Myvaginajustunfurledlikeaflower,”Fizzysaid,stillstaringatthedoor.
“No.”
“Afuckingflower,Jess.”
Jesscuppedherforeheadinherhands.Itwasgoingtobealongday.
HOURSLATER,FIZZY’Sattentionwasbackonthenewspaper.“Lookatthisgoddamnchemistry.”They’dleftforlunchbut,bothbeingondeadline,hadreturnedtocrankoutabitmoreworkbeforecallingitaday.“Itdripsfromthesegoddamnpages.Tellmeyoudon’tbelievethisshit.”
“Stop.”
“You’regoingtosetthetownonfire.Everyone’shumpingtonight.”
“OhmyGod,wouldyou—”Jessstoppedabruptly,realizationfallinglikeananvil.“Ohshit.”
“Canyoujustbanghimandthendescribe—”
“Fizz.Seriously,wait.”Jesslookedupather.TheeffectofRiver’sthoughtfulnessthismorninghadwornoff,andthechillofdreadwashedoverher,headtotoe.“TodayisMonday.”
“So?”
“JunoandPopsgotothelibraryonMonday.”
“So?”
Jessjabbedherindexfingerdownathercopyofthepaper.“Fizzy,thereareaboutseventycopiesofthispictureinthelibrary!MykidisgoingtoseemeonthecoveroftheU-TwrappedlikeahornycatinRiver’scoat!Doyouknowhowmanyquestionsshehasaboutgiraffevertebrae?Doyouknowhowmanyshe’llhaveaboutthis?”
Fizzyboltedupright,turningleft,turningright,beforehastilyshovingherlaptopintoherbag.Jessfollowedsuit,packinguplikeTwiggswasonfire.
ITWASNORMALLYaten-minutewalkfromTwiggstotheUniversityHeightslibrary.Theymadeitinsix.
Fizzystoppedonthesidewalkjustoutside,handsonherknees.“Holyshit.WhydidIpicksuchasedentaryjob?Whenthezombiescome,Iamscrewed.”
Jessleanedagainstthebusstopandpanted,“Same.”
“Ifthepointwastogetherefast,wecouldhave,Idon’tknow,takenacar?”
Jessstraightened,glaringather.“Ipanicked,okay?ItfeelsaloteasierwhenIwalkit.”
Shetookadeepbreath,marvelingoverhowdeeplywindedshewas.Addtotheto-dolist:Morecardio.Shecheckedherwatch.“Juno’sschoolgotoutfourminutesago.They’llbehereinaboutten.Weneedtobustass.”
Fizzybrushedthebluntendsofherdarkhairbehindhershoulder.“Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?”
Theyheadeduptherampthatledtothemainentrance,smilingnonchalantlyatanolderwomanastheypassed.Nothingtoseehere.Justyouraveragetriptothelibrarytohideeverycopyofyourdailynewspaper.Emily,Juno’sfavoritelibrarian,wasonthecomputeratthemaindesk,andJessslowedtoastop.
“Whatarewewaitingfor?”FizzysaidoverJess’sshoulderasshecollidedwithherback.
“Emilyisupthere,”shewhispered.EmilywasJuno’sfavoritepartlybecauseshewasasweetheartandknewwhereeverythingwas,andpartlybecauseherhairwaspinkandsherodeasparklyblueVespatoworkeveryday.“Ifsheseesmecomein,she’llwanttosayhi.Junowillseeus,andwe’retoast.”
“Afriendlylibrarian,”Fizzysaidsarcastically,narrowinghereyes.“Theworstkind.”
JessglaredatFizzyoverhershoulder.“Hush.”
“Youhush.IfeellikeI’mcommittingacrimeevenbeinginhere,”Fizzywhisperedbehindher.“I’mlaterenewingmylibrarycard!”
“It’snotlikeanalarm’sgonnagooff,”Jesssaid.“Theydon’tscanthemasyouwalkthroughthedoor.”Apatronsteppeduptothecounter,andshewatchedasEmilylistened,smiled,andthennodded,motioningforthepersontofollowher.JessreachedforFizzy’shand.“Comeon.”
TheyslippedthroughthedoorandheadedstraightforthebacknearAdultServices,dartingbehindabookcasewhentheysawanoldermanstandingrightinfrontofthegiantrackofnewspapers.Fizzylookedaroundnervously.
“Wouldyoustopit?”Jesswhisper-hissed.“Youwroteanentireromanticsuspenseseriesaboutafemaleassassin.We’rehidingnewspapers.Whydoesthislookharderforyouthanthetimeyourealizedhalfwaythroughagameofpoolthatyou’dbetabunchofHellsAngelsthatwecouldkicktheirasses?”
“I’mnotgoodwithpeerpressure,okay?UsuallyI’mtheonetalkingyouintodoingsomethingstupid.Thisisallbackwards.”
Jesslookedaroundthecorner,groaningwhenshesawthemanstillstandingthere.“Icanseesixcopiesofthefrontpagerightthere.Wejustneedtograbthemall.”
Anolderwomanwalkeddowntheaisle,andtheybothtriedtolookcasual.Fizzyleanedagainstthebookcase;Jesspickedupanescargotcookbookofftheshelfandattemptedtoappearengrossed.Thewomaneyedthemwarilyasshepassed.
Fizzytookthebookfromherandshoveditbackintoplace.“Dowereallyhavetodothis?”Shelookedaround.“Thisfeelsoddlynaughty.”
JesshonestlyneverexpectedFizzytohaveapearl-clutchingside.“DoyourememberwhenyouwerewritingMyAlterEgoandyouaskedmetohoistmylegbehindmyheadto”—Jessmadeairquotes—“‘seeifanormalpersoncoulddoit’?”
Fizzyfrowned,thinking.“Vaguely.”
“Ipulledmyhamstringandcouldbarelywalkforaweek.Foryouandyourbook.ButyoustilltoldDanielI’dpulledavaginalmuscleinasexaccident.Youoweme.”
“I’mgoingtokillyouoffinthenextCrimsonLacebook.”
Itwasn’tthefirsttimeshe’dthreatenedit,definitelywouldn’tbethelast.“Sure.”
Theybothpeeredaroundthebookcaseagain,relievedwhentheysawthatthecoastwasfinallyclear.Jesscouldalreadyseeherselfseatedacrossfromthebadcopdownatthepolicestation,givensludgycoffeeinaStyrofoamcupandshownsurveillancefootageofherskulkingovertotheAdultMediasection,unspoolinganarmfulofUnion-Tribunesfromtherack,andjoggingaway.ShemadeasilentpromisetoJunoandSanDiegoCountythatshewouldvolunteerandreadatstorytimeuntilherkidwaseighteenifshecouldjustkeepJunofromseeingthesepapers…orher.
Theywalkedthroughthelibraryasiftheyhadeveryrighttobecarryingtwoarmloadsofnewspapers,andthenarrangedthemcarefullybehindalongrowofMaryHigginsClarkpaperbacks.
“Isthatallofthem?”Fizzyasked,faceflushedasshecheckedoverhershoulder.
“Yeah.Let’sgetoutofhere.”
Theywalkeddowntheaisleandstoppedshortjustastheentrancecameintoview.JesspulledFizzyback,duckingherheadoutjustlongenoughtoseeJunoandPopswalkthroughthedoor.
“OhmyGod,”Fizzysaid.“Thatwasclose.”
“Yeah.”Jesslookedagain,heartracingasshewatchedthemwalkstraighttothenewspapers.“Let’sgo.She’llleavePopsatthepapersandheadstraightforkids’nonfiction.Wehaveaboutthirtyseconds.”
Fizzynodded,andwithJuno’sandPops’sbacksturned,theyranstraightforthedoors.
FIZZYSTAYEDLONGenoughtofinishaglassofNana’sicedteaandjotdownthedetailsoftheiradventurebeforeheadinghometodosomesocialmediastuffandgetreadyforanightoutwithRob.JesshadafewtextsfromRivermentioningthepossibilityofaparty,andthatBrandonwouldbeemailingthemboth…definitelynothingtowarranttheflashofheatthatmovedupherneck.ShewastemptedtolaunchintoabrilliantretellingofherandFizzy’slittlecrimespreebutstoppedherselfforfearofbeginningaconversationshedidn’treallywanttohave.Jesswasn’tupsetthatRiverhadmetJuno,butshewasn’tsureshewantedittohappenagain,either.FutureJesswoulddefinitelyhavetodealwithit,butafterthedayshe’dhad,thisJessjustwantedtohaveaglassofwineandmakespaghetti.
Asshestraightenedtheapartmentandbegandinner,shefellbackonanewandstillunfamiliarcomfort:remindingherselfthatshedidn’thavetoworryaboutmoney,atleastforafewmonths.She’dneverhadtheluxuryofacushionbefore,anditwasalmostindulgenttoimaginepayingayearofinsurancepremiumsinadvanceorsplurgingonrealTylenolinsteadofthegeneric.Wildtimes.
PigeonwoundaroundherfeetandJesswasjustaddingpastatotheboilingwaterwhenthedoorburstopenandJunorushedinside.
“Mom!HowtoBuildtheWorld’sBestRollerCoasterinTenEasySteps!Igotit!”Shekickedoffhershoesandopenedherbaginthemiddleofthelivingroom,spillingthecontentsacrossJess’sfreshlyvacuumedfloor.
Settingthewoodenspoononthetrivet,Jessturnedawayfromthestoveandleanedagainsttheisland.Didshelookguilty?
“Iwasnumbertwoonthewaitlist,butsomebodydidn’tpickitup,andsowhenIwasthere,EmilysaidIcouldcheckitout.”Junoslappedthebookonthecounterandfinallycameupforair.“Igottastartmyproject.”
“Hellotoyou,too.”Jessstoppedthewhirlingdervishwithanarmaroundhershouldersandreeledherdaughterintopressakisstothetopofherhead.“Where’sPops?”Shelookedoutintothecourtyardbutdidn’tseehim.
Junodisappearedintothelivingroom,returningwithabluefolder,atleastadozenpiecesofpapertryingtoescapeit.“He’stakingNanaforEthiopianfood.”Shetoppledaneatstackofmailasshespreadthepapersoutonthecounterinfrontofher.Jesspickedthemupagain.“Theinstructionssaytouseanine-by-twelvepieceofcardboardbutIcanalsouseathirty-six-by-forty-eight.”Shepaused.“Dowehavethat?”
“You’reaskingifIhaveafour-footpieceofcardboardlyingaround?Sorry.Freshout.”Jessstirredthepastaandturnedoffthestove.“Baby,let’stryandkeepitmanageable?Wherewouldweevenputsomethingthatbig?”
Junolookedaroundtheapartmentandmotionedtothediningroomtable.
“Andwherewouldweeat?”
“AtNanaandPops’s.”
Jesslookedatherdaughteroverhershoulderasshedrainedthenoodles.“Whatelsedoyouneedtostartthisproject?”
“Arttape,thebigkind.Lotsofit.DidyouknowthatinPhiladelphiasomebodymadeaone-hundred-twenty-eight-footcocoonoutoftranslucenttape?Twenty-onemilesofit!Youcanclimbinitandeverything.”
“Wow.”Jesspulleddownplatesandbroughtthemtothecounter.
“Ialsoneedglueandregulartapeandconstructionpapertomakethepeople.”ShepointedtoJess’siPadonthetable.“CanIlookitup?”
“MayI,”Jesssaidreflexively,anddishednoodlesontotheplate,toppingthemwithsauce.
JunopickedupPigeonfromthechair,liftedtheiPadtowakeitup.
“Howwasschooltoday?”Jessasked,turningjustasanimageloadedonthescreen.
ApictureofherandRiver.
ThecoveroftheUnion-Tribuneshe’dbeenlookingatthismorning.Fuuuu—
“Mom!”Junoyelled.“That’syouandRiverNicolas!”
Wasitpossibletoloseallthebloodinone’sbodywithoutactuallybleeding?
“Isheyourboyfriend?”
HowwasJesssupposedtoanswerthat?ThatshewasonlypretendingwithRiverbecausetheywerepayingher?Thattheywerefriendswhojusthappenedtobephotographedwrappedupineachother’sclothes?HowwasitthatshetriedsohardtoprotectJuno,butconsistentlyscrewedeverythingup?
Shesetdowntheirdinnerwithshakinghands.“That’s…”Jesssearchedforwords,panicked,sweating,spiraling.“Wewere—”
Iamnotmymom.IamnotputtingJunolast.Icanexplain.
BeforeJesscouldspeak,though,Junotiltedherhead.“Youlookprettywithyourhairlikethat.”Andthen,justasquickly,herattentionwasdrawntoherplate.“Ooh,spaghetti!”Shetookahumongousbite,eyesclosedasshechewed.
Stunned,JesscouldonlystareasJunotiltedherglasstoherfaceandsetitdown,leavingabrightmoonofmilkoverhertoplip.Shegrinnedwinninglyathermother.“CanIordertapeafterdinner?”
“Yes,asmuchtapeasyouwant,”Jesssaid.
“Okay!”Junoswirledmorenoodlesontoherfork.“CanIgetdifferentcolors?Likeblueandorangeandgreenandred?”Shetookanothergiantbite,andJessmovedbacktothekitchen.
Sheopenedthefridgeandpulledoutabottleofwine.“Sure,”shetoldher,andpouredherselfadrink.Pink?Purple?Polkadot?Knockyourselfout,kid.Jesshadneverhadtheluxuryofbeingfrivolousbefore;itfeltstrangebutalsowonderful.ShewatchedJunofinishherdinnerandpullouttheiPadagain,hummingassheaddedartsuppliestohercart.
Whoeversaidmoneycouldn’tbuyhappinesshadneverseenthis.FOURTEEN
BYBRANDON’SRAVINGaccount,TrevorandCarolineGruberwerecompletelylovelypeople.Yes,theywereGeneticAllyinvestors,andyes,afterthatUnion-TribuneprofiletheywantedtohostacocktailhourtomeetJessalongwithsomeoftheothermajordonors,butThey’reunpretentious,Jess,Brandonhadinsisted.You’lllovethem.
TrevorwassomesortoftechgeniusfromDetroit,andCarolinewasapediatricorthopedistfromRhodeIsland.Worldscolliding,truelove,allofthat.
Thatthey’dchosentogiveacoolfewmilliontoacompanywhosegoalwastomatchpeopleupwiththeirsoulmatesgaveJesshopetheyandtheirguestswouldn’talllookliketheMonopolyman.Therewereathousandgoodinvestmentsinthisboomingbiotecharea,butassomeonewhomanipulateddataandhelpedcompaniesevaluaterisk,evenJesscouldn’tsayforsurethat,underdifferentcircumstances,she’dchoosetogivemoneytoGeneticAlly.
Thatsaid,onelookatRiverwhenhepickedherupoutinfrontofherbuilding,andshewouldhappilythrowherwalletandbankingpasswordsatwhoeverwasasking.Hewasinatailorednavysuit.Polishedshoes.Perfectalmost-too-longhair,brighteyes.TheAdam’sappleshe’dthoughtoflickingmorethanoncesincetheShelterIslandinterviewaweekago.Brandonhadtalkedheroffaledgeearlier,insisting
Andjustwhenshe’dconvincedherselfshewasbothsociallyadeptandattractiveenoughtohandlebeingonDr.RiverPe?a’sarmallnight,hesteppedoutofhiscarlookinglikesolidmuscleandsexualenergypouredbyafancyGerman-engineeredmachineintothatsuit.
Jesstookaflyingleapoffamentalbridge.Shewassocompletelyscrewed.She’dloweredthedrawbridgetosexthoughtsandnowtheywerestampedingacross.Frankly,ifsheandRiverevermanagedtogetiton,hewasgoingtohavealottoliveupto.FictionalRiverwasawonderinbed.
Hebentandkissedhercheekagain—thistimeshewasatleastpreparedforit,butshewasnotpreparedfortheassaultofsensation.Hesmelled…different.
Hedidasimilardeepinhalenearherear.
Theyspokeinunison:
“Areyouwearingperfume?”
“Areyouwearingcologne?”
Herquestionechoedlast,andlouder.Isheblushing?
“Alittle.Mysisters—”Heclearedhisthroat.“TheytoldmetogotoNeimanMarcus,getsomerecommendations.”
Jesspulledoutamentalbagofarrowsandtookaimattheimaginedsaleswomanwho’ddabbedhisskinwithvariouscolognesandgottencloseenoughtosmellhim.“Yoursisterstoldyoutoget…cologne?”
“They’reinvested.Inthis.”Hesighed,butsheknewhewasonlypretendingtobeexasperated.
Hissisterswereinvestedinthem?Wasthatadorableorterrifying?“That’sverysweet,”Jessmanaged.
Riverlaugheddryly.“That’sonewordforit.”
“Well,thecologneisnice.”Understatementoftheages.Jesswantedtoeathimupandwashhimdownwiththerestofthebottle.
Heleanedinagain.“WhatisitI’msmelling?”
Jesswasthrownforamomentwhensheregisteredthattheyweresmellingeachother.Andrecognizingadifference.Wasthisnormal?Wasthisweird?Shedecidedtorollwithit.
“It’s—okay,itsoundsweird,butit’sgrapefruit.It’sagrapefruitrollthing—”Shedidn’tknowhowtosayit.“It’snotperfume,exactly.Likeanoil?It’salittleroller—”Jessshutupandjustmimedrollingsomethingonherwrist.“Perfumegivesmeaheadache,butthis”—shefeltthetopsofhercheeksflame—“thisIcando.”
“Ilikeit.”Heseemedtostruggleforwords.“Alot.”
Whatwasshehearinginhisvoice?Weirdtightrestraint.ItsoundedlikehewastellingaplatterofbutterybeefWellington,Icouldstandtotakeabite,whenreallyhemeant,Getinmyface
DidRiverPe?a…wantherinhisface?
Jesshadtotakeitdownanotch.ShemighthavebeenconsistentlyobsessingsincetheirShelterIslandsnuggle,butshecouldmakenoassumptionsaboutwherehewaswithallofthis.
Also,astheyclimbedintohiscar,Jessremindedherselfthattheywouldsoonbestandinginsideaninvestor’spenthouseforacocktailparty.Thatis,River—andeveryonetheretonight—hadafinancialinterestinherlookingathimwithhornyeyes.JessknewalreadythatRiverchosehiswordscarefully;forallsheknew,hissistersmightbeactuallyinvested,notjustsentimentalandmeddling.Herobviousattractiontohimhelpedboostconfidenceinhiscompany,whichhelpedhispocketbook,andalsohelpedconfirmeverythinghe’dbeensayingfromascientificstandpointallthistime.JessknewhowimportantitwastoRiverthattheworldsawtheimpactofhisdata.
Andfrankly,lookwhatJesswaswillingtodoforthirtythousanddollars.No,itwasn’tahardshiptobuydresseswithGeneticAllyexpenseaccountsandwalkhandinhandwithdressed-upscience-brainedsexonlegsintoafancyparty,butherthirtythousandwasadropinthebucketcomparedtowhatRiverstoodtomake.Millions.
“Whatareyouthinkingaboutoverthere?”heasked,cuttingintoherponderingsilence.
Itcouldn’thurttobehonest.“Oh,justquestioningeverychoiceI’vemade.”
Thismadehimlaugh.“Same.”
Doubtful.“Givemeoneexample.”
Heglancedatherandthenbacktotheroadastheytookthe163on-ramp.“Really?”
“Really.”
Afteralongpause,duringwhichJessassumedhe’ddecidedtoignoreherrequest,Riverfinallyspoke.“Okay:Didyouthinkofmewhenyouputonthatdress?”
Fromchesttoforehead,herskinflushedhot.Jesslookeddownathergown.Itwasdeepblue,withblackspaghettistraps.Delicatemetallicstardustembroiderywasscatteredinsmall,artfulclustersacrosstheentiregown,givingitthefeelofagentlystarredsky.Thesubtleblacklacetrimcrisscrossedaboveandbeneathherbreastsandpurredeveningwearmeetseveningwear,butJunoandFizzy—hertwojabbermouths—hadliterallygonespeechlesswhenshecameoutofthedressingroomwearingit,soJesstrustedtheirreactionsoverherhesitationthatshemightbeshowingwaytoomuchskin.
“Iknowyou’regettingpaidtobehere,”headdedquietly.“So,there’smyquestion.Didyou?”
“Samequestion,butwiththecologne,”Jesssaidthroughacorkofemotioninherthroat.“Andyou’regettingpaidalotmore.”
“Potentially.”Helaughed.
“Butthat’sexactlyit.Ifwedoagoodjobtonight,youstandtomakealotmorethanthirtythousand.Yoursisterstoldyoutogetsomecologne—thatwouldbesmartseductionadvice,especiallyifthey’reshareholders.”
“Theyare,”heacknowledged.
Theyfellbackintoathicksilence;Jesswasunwillingtoansweruntilhedid.Shebetherentirethirtythousandthathefeltthesame.
“So,smartseductionadvice,then?”hepressed,grinningslylyatherbeforeturningbacktotheroad.
“Itsmellsreallygoodonyou,”sheadmittedquietly,andwasinstantlymortifiedaboutthegrowlingbassinhervoice.Sheclearedherthroat.
JessicaDavis,getyourshittogether
Besideher,Rivershiftedinthedriver’sseat.“Well,forwhatit’sworth,thatdressis…”Hisvoicealsocameouthoarse,andhecoughedintohisfist.“Itisalsoreallygoodonyou.”
TWOGOOD-LOOKINGGUYSintheirearlytwentiesjoggedoverasRiverpulledthecaruptothecurb.
“Everybitoffancinessjustmakesmemorenervous,”JessadmittedquietlyafterRivertippedthevalets—nephewsofthehosts,they’dlearned—andmetheronthesidewalk.
Hesteppedcloser,lookingdownatherwithconcern.“Everyonewho’llbehereisincrediblynice.”
“I’msure,”Jesssaid.“It’sjustthatasofyesterday,myfanciestoutfitwastheonlyotherdressyou’veseenmewear.ThisdresscostmorethantwomonthsofJuno’sballetlessons.”
“It’swortheverycent,ifthatmakesyoufeelbetter.”
“Itdoes,”shesaid,smoothingherhandsoverthefrontofthedress.“JustkeeptellingmeI’mprettyandit’llbefine.Oh,andwine.Winewillhelp.”
Laughingquietly,heletherleadtheminsidethebuilding.Themarble-flooredlobbywasemptyexceptforasecuritydesk,abeautifulleathersettee,andtwoelevatorsattheend.
Thesecurityguardlookedupastheyapproached.“HerefortheGruberevent?”
River’swarmpalmcameoverthesmallofherback,andeverythoughtinherbrainwasincinerated.“RiverPe?aandJessicaDavis,”Riverconfirmed,andthemancheckedtheirnamesonalistbeforeprogrammingtheelevatorfromwherehesat.
“Headonovertothecarontheright,”hesaid.“It’lltakeyoustraightup.”
Asthedoorsclosed,Jesswasremindedoftheothertimesshe’dbeeninanelevatorwithRiver—thestrainedsilence,theunspokendisdainbetweenthem.Goingbacktothatfeltlikeit’dbesimplerthanthisunmeasurable,unmanageableattraction.
Rivercutintothequiet.“IthinkIneedtoclearsomethingup.”Jesslookedupathiminquestion,hiseyesfixedonthewallahead.“Aboutmysisters.”
“Oh?”Shehadnoideawherethiswasheaded,butthepaceoftheworld’ssecond-slowestelevatorsuggestedthere’dbeplentyoftimetofindout.
“Theyareinvestors,”hesaid.“Theybothputinmoneyattheverybeginningoftheproject.Butthatisn’twhatImeantby‘invested.’”Finally,helookeddownather.“Aboutthecologne.”
Jessbitbackalaugh.Hewassoserious.“Okay.”
“Theythinkthis”—hegesturedbetweenthem—“isvery…”Hepaused,andthengaveherasardonicsmile.“Veryexciting.But,”hequicklyadded,“pleasedon’tfeelpressuredbytheirenthusiasm.”
Nodding,Jessgavehimanotherquiet“Okay.”
“AndI’mtellingyouthisnowbecauseupthereiswaitingaroomfulofpeoplewho,youalreadyknow,aredeeplyfinanciallyinvestedinhowyouandIinteract,andIdon’twantyoutogointherethinkingthateverythingisforshow.”Riverreachedintotheinsidepocketofhissuitandpulledouthisphone.Heswipeditawake,openedittohisphotos,andbeganscrolling.Finally,hefoundwhathewaslookingforandturnedthescreentofaceher.
Forasecond,Jesshadnoideawhatshewasseeing.River’sdoofusdoppelg?ngerwasherbestguess.Hewasinhisearlytwenties,buthisposturereadevenyounger,waylessconfident.
“Doyourecognizehim?”heasked.
Shewasafraidtoguess.Thisscrawny,hunched,mismatchedchildcouldnotbe—
“It’sme.”Heswipedthroughafewmore,showingherseveralphotosofthesamedorkyalternate-realityversionofhimself.
“Plaidshortsandstripedshirtwasarealstylechoice,”Jesssaid,laughing.
“ImovedawayfromhomewhenIwassixteen,”hesaid,andtheelevatordoorsopened.
Herstomachvaultedintoherthroatbecauseforthepasttenseconds,she’dforgottenwheretheywere.Theysteppedout,butRiverpausedinthemarblefoyerleadingtoasinglefrontdoor.
“IgraduatedhighschoolearlyandstartedatStanfordwhenIwasaboutfourmonthsshyofturningseventeen.”
“Holyshit.”
“Iwasprobablytwentyinthispicture—althoughyou’dneverguessit—andyoucanseethatoncemysisterscouldnolongerexertdailyinfluence,Ihadnoideahowtodressmyself.”
Jessburstoutlaughing,sparkingareturnsmile.
“Ifitweren’tforthem,I’dprobablystillbewearingthoseplaidshorts.”
“Please,no.Yoursistersaredoingamuchbetterjob.”
Helaughednow.“It’sjusthowtheyare.TheyleftforschoolontheEastCoastwhenIwasinhighschooland…itwasn’talways…Theyfeelresponsibleforme.”Riverlickedhislipsandglancedupatthedoorbeforebacktoher.“Allofthisistosay:Iwasn’tthinkingofthisroomfulofpeoplewhenIputthecologneonearlier.Iwasthinkingofyou.”
Shedidn’tknowwhatelsetosaybesides“Thankyoufortellingme.”
Jesswassplitinhalf—turnedonbyhisconfessionandterrifiedbyit.
Luckily,hedidn’tseemtoneedabiggerresponse.Straightening,RiverturnedtofacetheGrubers’doublefrontdoorandtookadeepbreath.Sheexpectedhimtoringthebell,buthedidn’t
Afterafewlong,increasinglyawkwardmomentsofsilence,Jessasked,“Youokay?”
“Ihatethesethings,”headmitted.
Itwasalittlelikebeinghitinthefacewiththeobviousstick.
Ofcourse:Riverwasn’tacallous,gruffasshole.Hewasshy.Havingtodothispartofthejobwasprobablymiserableforhim.Jessfeltthisasclearlyasifshe’djustreaditonapamphletentitledInstructionstoYourSoulmate.FramingeveryoneoftheirpastinteractionsthroughthislensonlysolidifiedforherthatRiverwasnothinglikeBrandon—allsmilesandeasycharm.Hewasmostcomfortablewhenfacingthefumehoodwithhisbacktotheroom,justhimandsometubesandbillionsandbillionsofpaired-upnucleotides.
Shewasgoingtohavetobethebraveonehere.Reachingdown,Jesslacedherfingerswithhis.Warmthspiraledupfromherfingertips,cracklingalongeveryinchtohershoulderandacrossherchest.
“We’vegotthis,”shesaid.
Hesqueezedherhand.“Wedon’thavemuchchoice.”
“Let’sjuststaytogether,okay?”
“Yes,”hewhispered.“Goodplan.”
Inunison,theytookadeep,bracingbreath.Reachingforward,Riverpressedthedoorbell.FIFTEEN
THEMOMENTTHEdoorswungopen,theycouldhearthecommotioninsidecometoabriefhaltbeforeitbrokeoutintoglass-clinking,jewelry-rustling,jacket-straighteningmayhem.AchorusofvoiceswhisperedtheirnamesandThey’rehere!,followedbyasmatteringofapplause.
Avaletsteppedunobtrusivelytothesideasatall,angularBlackmanapproached,casuallygorgeousinastylishsuit,andgaveJessasmilethatsomehowcommunicatedawarmYoucantrustmevibe.Hishandwasoutstretched,andonlyafewpacesbehindhimwasawoman,playfullyshuffle-jogginginsky-highheelstocatchup.
“TrevorGruber,”hesaidtoJess,shakingherhand.
“JessDavis.”
“Greattomeetyou,Jess.”HepulledRiverinforahug.“Goodtoseeyou,man.Andthis,”hesaidtoJessasthepetiteAsianwomanarrivedathisside,“ismywife,Caroline.Thankyousomuchforcomingtonight.”
“Hi,youtwo!”CarolineembracedJessfirst,andthensteppedforwardtohugRiver.HerdressclungtoandflowedoverherbodyinsuchagracefulbalancethatJesswantedtohigh-fiveher.WhenCarolinemovedback,Jessnoticedacatererpracticallymaterializeoutofthinair.
CarolineofferedRiveramischievouslittlesmileandreachedbacktograbahighballglassfromthetrayheldaloftbythewaiter.ShepressedthedrinkintoRiver’shand.“See?Onestepinthedoor,justlikeIpromised.”Helaughed,andshestretched,kissinghischeek,stage-whispering,“Itoldyouitwouldn’tbesobad.”
Jessimmediatelylovedher.
Riverlookedovertheirshoulders,deeperintotheroom.“Thisisn’tbad?”
Jessfollowedhisgazeanddidaquickestimationthattherewereupwardoffiftypeopleintheexpansivelivingroomwithfloor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingSanDiegoBayandtheCoronadoBridge.Everyoneoftheminformalattire,everyoneofthemstaringattheDiamondcouple.
Turningtotheirhoststocomplimenttheview,JessstoppedatthesightofRiver’sexpression,swallowingherwords.He’dgonevaguelypaleandclammy.Heliftedthedrinktohislips,andthenhummedappreciatively,murmuringwithrecognitionsomeobscurealcoholnameJessdidn’tcatch,andthankingCarolineunderhisbreath.
WithasmileaimedatJess,Carolineturnedandgrabbedtheotheritemoffthecaterer’stray—aglassofwhitewine.“Riversaidyoulikesemidrywhites.”Sheglancedsweetlyathimforconfirmation.“Thisisaviognier-marsanne.”
“Gesundheit,”Jessjokeddorkily,andtoherrelief,Carolinelaughed.Riverhadpaidattentiontowhatshe’dorderedatdinnerwithDavidandBrandonandrememberedallthistime?
Heworecologneforher.
HewantedtoeatherlikebeefWellingtoninthisdress.
Carolineturnedtofacetheparty.“Everyoneisdyingtomeetyou,Jess.”Sheangledbacktothem.“Butlet’sletthemsweatitoutforafew.It’smyparty.”ThreadingherarmthroughTrevor’s,sheleanedinconspiratorially.“WelovedtheprofileintheTrib—Riverismyfavoriteguyever,otherthantheoneImarried,andthosepictures?OhmyGod.Theoneofyouinhiscoat?”ShelightlysmackedJess’sarm.“Forgetit.Idroppeddeadonthespot.ButI’mafraidthispartygotawayfrommeassoonasImentionedtheideatomyfriendTilly.”ShepointedvaguelyacrosstheroomtowherethisTillymusthavebeen.“Isaid,‘Wouldn’titbesofuntohaveJessandRiverover?’ShetalkedtoBrandonanditturnedintoawholething.”Carolinerolledhereyesinapology.“Imeantlikedinner.Ofcourse,thetwoofthemhadtheentireGeneticAllyboardandalltheinvestorsinvitedbeforeI’deventoldTrevor.”
Trevorlaughed,nodding.“So,see?Youaren’ttheonlyonewhowasdreadingit.”
“Iwasn’tdreadingit!”Jessinsisted,smilingherbestliarsmile.
“ImeantRiver,”Trevorjoked.
“Comeon,”Carolinesaid,andtookJess’sarm.JessgrabbedblindlyforRiver’sfreehandbeforetheycouldbeseparated,feelingoddlypanicked.“Letmeintroduceyoutosomepeople.”
Ofcourse,Riveralreadykneweveryonehere;shewasthenovelty.
FirstupweretheWatson-Duggars,afiftysomethingcouplewho,withinthirtyseconds,suggested—withoutsubtlety—thatitwouldbegreatifJessandRivercouldgetmarriedbeforetheIPO.AndthenthereweretheLius,whoownedthebuildingtheywerestandingin.Mrs.LiuadmittedtoJessinabreathlesswhisperthatthey’dbeenmarriedfortwenty-sevenyearsbutshehadn’tbeenatallsurprisedtofindouttheywereaBaseMatch.Awkward!
TheRomasseemedtowanttopunchholesinJessandRiver’spossibleconnection,andJessremindedherself—astheyquizzedheraboutRiver’shistory,mostofwhichshegotwrong—thattheywerejusttryingtoprotecttheirinvestment,notattackher.
AlbertMendozacouldn’tstopstaringatJess’schest.Worse,shewasworriedhiswifemightactuallyreachforwardandstrokeRiver’sbiceps,thewayshekepteyeinghimwithsuchblatantsexeyes.Dr.FarleyMcIntoshandhishusbandwereprominentSanDiegoarchitectsandmostlywantedtoknowwhetherJesshadheardofanyoftheirbuildings.
Throughallofit,River’shandgrewsweatierandsweatierinhergrip.
Theymovedfromgrouptogroup,likeabrideandgroomattheirreception.Theywerespecimenstobepokedat,prodded,questioned,andquizzed.
Isitaconnectionyoucanjustfeelwhenyoulookathim?
Isthesex,youknow…unreal?
Howlongbeforeweddingbells?
HaveyoumetRiver’ssistersyet?
Yourchildrenaregoingtobestunning!
Whathappensifyoumatchlikethiswithsomeoneelse?
JessandRiverhadstumbledthroughtheiranswerstogether,handsclaspeddesperately,tightsmilesinplace,butthatlastquestionpulledJessupshort,andshemadeanexcuseaboutneedingtherestroom,followingRiver’sdirectionsdownthehalltotheseconddoorontheleft.Thecondowasenormous,andJessitchedtoescape,toexplore,toseehowmanyroomswereactuallyfurnished.
Butitwasenoughjusttostepoutofthemeleeandintoaquietspaceforafewminutes.Herheartwasonarampage,tearingeverythingupinherchest.Ifshehadn’tbeenwearingsuchartfullyappliedmakeup,Jesswould’vesplashedwateronherface,butasitwas,shejustleanedforward,takingafewdeepbreaths.Everytimeshethoughtshehadahandleonwhatallofthismeant,anotherquestioncameatheraroundthecorner,likeacurveball.First,shehadn’tbelievedtheresult,andthenshehadn’tneededtobecause—money.Andthenshe’dsuspectedtheDNADuoscoremightbetrue,butitdidn’tmatterbecauseshewasn’tlookingforlove,dammit.Andnow,beingbyRiver’ssideallnightandfeelingliketheywereinthisasateamfromtheveryfirststepmadethecharadefeelsoreal.Whensomeonehadaskedaboutanothersoulmateouttheresomewhere,she’dwantedtovomit.
Toomuch,toofast.
Jesswashedherhands,reappliedherlipstick,andgaveherselfahardbutencouragingstareinthemirror.Thispartyhadtohavecostthousandsofdollars.Shewaswearingadresssomeoneelsehadpaidfor.Whowasshepretendingtobe?Justgetthroughitandgethome.
Butwhenshesteppedoutintothehall,Riverwastherewaiting,oneanklecrossedovertheother,leaningcasuallyagainsttheoppositewall.Hisposturewassounconsciouslyconfident,sosensualthatJessfeltherlegsclenchtogetherhardinresponse.
Hestraightened.“Youokay?”
“Yeah,just—”Shepointedoverhershoulder.“Neededasecond.”
Arelievedsmileplayedathislips.“Idid,too.”
Sheblewoutaslowbreath.“Thisisn’tmyworldatall.”Theeffectofhisproximitysimmeredjustbeneathherskinandshefeltthewordsslipout:“IhopeI’mnotmessingitupforyou.”
Aflashofemotionmovedoverhisface,andheburstforwardastep.“You’re—No.You’reamazing.”Helookedbackdownthehall.“AndI’msorryBrandonisn’there.Thisishisscene.Notmine.”
“Igetit,”Jesssaidquietly.“Theywanttoseetheirinvestmentinaction.”
Shecouldimmediatelytellhedidn’tlovethisphrasing…butalsocouldn’tdisagree.
“Itmustbeespeciallysurrealtoyou,”shesaid,“toalreadyknowthesepeopleandhavethemseeyoutonightnotastheleadscientist,butasoneofthebigfindings.”
“Yeah.Maybethreepeopleinthatroomknewanythingaboutmypersonallife.NowallthesestrangersfeelcomfortablemakingcommentsaboutoursexlifeandaskingmewhenI’mgoingtopropose.”
Jessbarkedoutanervouslaugh.“Right.”
“Itoccurredtome,”hebegan,andthenturnedhisfaceuptotheceiling.“WhenEstherLinaskedusabout,youknow,matchingwithsomeoneelse…”
Jesswaitedforhimtofinish,herheartbeatinglikearacer’satthestartingline.
“WereyoumarriedtoJuno’sdad?”hefinallyasked.
Sheexhaled.“No.”Therewasalongpausewhereitfeltlikehewantedmore,buttheywerestandinginahallwayataparty,andshejusthonestlydidn’tknowhowmuchmoretherewastosayaboutherandAlec.Inhindsight,theirfootinghadneverbeensolid.Thepregnancyhadn’tendedthings;ithadjustspedthedemisealong.“He’snotinthepicture,”shefinished,eventually.“Heneverreallyhasbeen.WebrokeupbeforeJunowasborn.”
Shecouldseehiscuriosityvisiblysated.Theyturnedandstartedwalkingleisurelybackdownthehalltowardtheparty.
“Youmentionedyou’vealwayslivednearyourgrandparents.Didyourparentspass,or—?”
“Mymomstruggledwithaddiction—stilldoes—andrelinquishedcustodyofmewhenIwassix.Ineverknewmyfather.”
“Oh.”Hestoppedwalkingandturnedtoher,eyeswide.“Wow.”
Thepaininhisexpressionseemedgenuine.Jessnoddedslowly,unsurewheretolook.“Yeah.”
“I’msorry,Jess.”
“No,really,NanaJoandPopsarethebestpeopleI’veeverknown.IknewfromareallyyoungagethatIwasbetteroff.”
“Theysoundamazing.”
Shesuddenlyfeltnaked.Hereshewas,herex-boyfrienddidn’tevenwanttoraiseakidwithher,motherchosedrugsoverher,raisedbygrandparentsandstilllivingwiththem.Riverhadtwosisterswhoadoredhimsomuchtheyhelpedhimfigureouthowtodresstoreachhisfullhotnesspotential.
“Whatisthatexpression?”heasked,leaningin.“WhatdidIsay?”
Jesswasmadeuneasybyhowquicklyhereadher.Apanicshedidn’tcompletelyunderstandroseinherthroat,makingherwanttolookforanexit.Thispartywasthekindofthingthathappenedtotheheroineofthestory,notthebestfriend.Whatwasshedoinghere?
Humor,asusual,washerbestdefense.“JustimagininghowfromyourperspectiveyourDiamondMatchhasatruckloadofbaggage.”
Hedidn’tlaugh.“Don’tweall?”
Hersmilefaded.“Dowe?”
“Wedo.Butcomeon.Iknowyouwellenoughtoknowthatyou’renotcarryingbaggage.”Hewasholdinghergaze,andshefeltphysicallyunabletolookaway.“You’vechosenyourcircumstances,Jess.Ilikethataboutyou.Youtakewhatyouwantandleavetherestbehind.Youdecide.”
Hewasright.Shefeltherselfstandupstraighter,leantowardhim.
“Thereyouare!”avoicecalledout.“River,comeondownhere,andbringthatyoungladyofyours.”
Stillholdinghereyes,hefoughtasmile.“Isthisyoungladyofminereadyforsomemoremingling?”
Jesslaughed.“I’vesufficientlyrechargedmybattery,yes.”
Takingherhand,heledherbackdownthehalltotheparty,towardthetinyoldmanwho’dcalledouthisname.Hehadtobeinhiseighties,wearingwire-rimmedglassesandawell-wornblacksuit.Besidehimwasawomanwithathickbraidofwhitehairaroundthecrownofherheadandmakeup-freecrepe-linedfeatures.Shewaswearingasimpleblackdresswithalacecollarandpearls.Somehowshewasevensmallerthanherhusband.
“How’dtheyconvinceyoutocomeout?”Riverasked,grinning.
“CarolineleanedonDorothy,”themansaidinathickGermanaccent.
“Andby‘leanedon,’”Dorothychimedin,“hemeansthatCarolinepromisedmeI’dgettoseeyou.”
Riverbenttokissherpowder-softcheek.“Johan,Dotty,thisismyJessica.”
MyJessica.
Herheartfellinaswoon,fromherchesttoherfeet.
“Jess,JohanandDottyFuchs.”
Shedidn’tevenhavetimetorecover;bothtinyoctogenarianswerecomingtowardher,eachwantinganembrace.
Shebent,huggingtheminturn.“Hi.Nicetomeetyou,Mr.andMrs.Fuchs.”
“Jess,”Riversaidquietly,reverently,“JohanandDottywereourveryfirstDiamondMatch.Theirgranddaughterbroughtthemtousbackin2014,andshewasright:theycamethroughwithascoreofninety-three.Ourfirstscoreinthenineties.”
Dottynodded,squeezingJohan’sarm.“We’vebeenmarriedsince1958.Sixty-threeyears.”
Jesswasn’tanemotionalpersonbynature;sheadoredherdaughterandgrandparentstothestarsandback,butshewasn’tonetocryatcommercialsandwastheonlypersoninherlifewhocouldlistentoAdele’s“SomeoneLikeYou”withoutweeping.Butthemomentcaughtherlikeahook,andshefeltaswellofemotionrise,salty,inherthroat.
Throughthisdeep,sweepingemotionalmoment—asshestruggledtobalancereverenceandenthusiasm—JessnoticedJohan’soutfit.Hewaswearingablazeranddresspants,butbeneaththecoatwasaT-shirt,notadressshirt.Onitwasabenzeneringwithironatomsreplacingthecarbon,andbeneathitthewordsFERROUSWHEEL
“Irealizethisisafancyaffair,butIworeitforRiver,”Johansaid,noticingheramusement.“Helovesterriblesciencepuns.”
“Doeshe?”Jessasked,lookingatthemaninquestion.
Mr.Fuchsclearedhisthroat,raisingafinger.“WhatdidGregorMendelsaywhenhediscoveredgenetics?”Hewaitedabeatandthensang,“Whoopea!”
Itwascorny,buthisdeliverywasfantastic.Besides,hemighthavebeenthesmallest,sweetestoldmanJesshadeverseen.Shewouldlaughatanyjokehetoldfortherestoftime.
“Veryclever,”Riveragreed,eyestwinkling.“Whatisthefastestwaytodeterminethesexofachromosome?”heasked.“Pulldownitsgenes.”
Everyonegroaned.
“Potassiumandoxygenwentonadate,”Johansaid,grinningastheirgamestartedrolling.“ItwentOK.”
DottygroanedjustasJesssaid,“Okay,thatoneiscute.”
“IwishIwasadenine,”Riversaid,andwinkeddownather.“ThenIcouldgetpairedupwithU.”
EveryoneAwww-edaudibly,andthenthreepairsofeyesturnedtoJesswithanticipation.Afterabeat,itsankin:shewasuptobat.“Um,”shesaid,diggingaroundthedustyreachesofherbrainforasciencejoke.“Okay,anyoneknowanygoodjokesaboutsodium?”Shescannedtheirfaces,grinning.“OrNa?”
Mr.andMrs.Fuchslookedateachother.“Idon’tthinkIdo,”Dottysaid,frowning.“Doyouknowany,darling?”
“No,it’s—”Jessstammered.
“Idon’t,”Johansaid.“Well,let’sseenow.Thatisaratherspecificrequest.Sodium.Sodiumjokes…”
“No,”shesaid,“thejokeis—”Shegaveupastheycontinuedtoconfer,mumblingtoeachother.
“Sorry,dear,”Dottysaid.“Nosodiumjokes,butIamsodelightedtomeetyou.”ShesmiledupatRiver.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,darling.Youtakecareofher,okay?”
“Iwill.”Hebent,kissinghercheekagain.JessandRiverwatchedthemwalkofftogether,holdinghands.
Silencesettledoverthetwoofthem,andJesslaughedoutaquiet“Wow.”
“Onlythebestjokesrequireexplanationimmediatelyafterward,”hesaid,eyesdancingather.
“TheydocallmethePartyCooler.”
“Dothey?”heasked.
“Iftheydon’t,theyshould.”Shegrinnedupathim.“Theywerefreakingadorable.”
“Aren’tthey?Theyarethenicestpeople,too.”
“LuckyforthemtheywerealreadymarriedwhentheyfoundouttheywereaDiamondMatch.”
Henodded,eyessoftening.“Takessomepressureoff,I’dimagine.”
Jesswouldlookaway,butshecouldn’t.Herfeelingsweren’tgrowinginameasured,linearway.Inthepasthourthey’dexpandedexponentially,likeawaveinsideher.ItwasthewaysheimaginedatsunamimightapproachSanDiego:calmoceansurfaceuntilawallwassuddenlycrashingovertheshore.Shestaredathim,andallshecouldthinkaboutwashowmuchshewantedhimtotouchher.
Aclinkingroseintheroom;itwasquietandunobtrusiveatfirstbutbuiltintoaclatteringofsilveroncrystalallaroundthem.Jesslookedaround,confused.Awarenesssankin,butRiverwasstillwearinganexpressionoffrankconfusion.
“Ohshit,”shewhispered.
“What?”heaskedfranticallyaseveryonebegantochant,“Kiss,kiss,kiss.”
River’seyeswidened,andJesswitnessedthemomentcomprehensionlanded.“Oh,God.”
“It’sokay.”Sheputawarmsmileonherfaceandturnedtofacehim.Theyhadanaudience.RiverwasshyandJesswasdeeplyprivate,andthiswasanightmare!Butnobigdeal!Soulmates!Aspresentedtothisroomfullofinvestors,JessandRiverkissed,like,allthetime
Hemirroredhergrin,butJesshopedherswaswaymoreconvincing.“Weshouldhaveanticipatedthis,”hegrittedout.
“Well,wedidn’t,”shewhispered,runningacoyhanddownhischest.Thefeelingwasabitlikebeingsubmergedinwarmchampagne.“Wedon’thavetoifyoudon’twant.”
“No,wecan,”hesaidimmediately,leaninginandtoyingintimatelywithastrandofherhair.“Imean,unlessyoudon’twantto?”
Hisbreathsmelledlikemintandwhiskey.Frankly,Jesswantedto.
Riverlookedatherinquestionastheclatteringintensified.Butthenhiseyesflickeredawaynervously.
“Hey.It’sjustme.”
Hisbrowrelaxed,andhenodded,breathtrembling.“Okay.”
River’seyesdippedtohermouth.
Arewedoingthis?
Hesteppedtoher—
Iguesswe’redoingthis.
—bending,slidingonehanduphernecktocupherjawandleavingatrailofcarbonatedheatonherskin.Heleanedin—shestoppedbreathing—andhismouthcameoverhers.
Together,theyexhaledinrelief,andeverythingfellaway:sound,light,otherpeople.Shefeltthesaginhim,too,theconfirmationthattheywererighttothinkitwouldfeelthisgood.Oneshortkiss,andthenalongerone,justhismouthcoveringhersandthencomingbacktotasteagain.Justtosee.
Avaliantcollectionofneuronsinherbrainscreamedareminderthatfiftypairsofeyeswereonthemrightthatsecond,buteventhatawarenessdidn’tkeepherfromreachingforthelapelsofhiscoat,pullinghimflushupagainsther.
Jessswallowedamoanwhenhisotherarmcamearoundherwaist,hisfingersspreadingwidebelowherribs.Itfeltsogooditsentafeveredachestraightfromhermouthtohernavel,corkscrewingthroughher.Riverveeredslightlyaway,andJessexpectedthekisstocloseoff,itprobablyshould,butsherealizedhewasonlyshiftinghisfooting,comingatherfromanewangle,sendinghisfingersintoherhair.
Sheletoutthesmallestsound,ahelplessmoanshethoughtonlyhecouldhear,butitseemedtoshovehimintoawareness,andhepulledaway,remainingonlyaninchortwofromherface.
Breathless,theystaredateachotherwithwild,shockedeyes.Itwasprobablyonlyafewseconds,butthekissshiftedthetrajectoryofthem,immediately.Shewantedmore,andshecouldseeinhiseyesthathedid,too.Jessdidn’tquestionforasinglesecondthatthephysicalattractionwasmutual.
Shestartledastheentireroombrokeintosoundandcommotion.Shelookedawayforabeat,andthenbacktoRiver.Hisattention,itseemed,hadremainedentirelyfixedonhermouth.
“Ithinkwejustmadeyourcompanyalotofmoney,”shemumbled,grinningasshecarefullypressedherfingertipstohertinglinglips.
Hedidn’tcrackasmile.Jesswasn’tsurehe’devenheardher.
“I’dsuspectmostpeoplecommentonyoureyes,”hesaidquietly,runningafingertipacrosshercollarbone.“Thatstartling,brightblue.”
Surelyhecouldfeelherheartscalingherwindpipe.Hedidn’tseemtoremembertherewasanyoneelseintheroom.
“ButIpreferyourmouth.”
“Youdo?”Jessmanaged.
“Ido,”hesaid,andbent,kissingherforehead.“Youdon’tgivethosesmilesawayforfree.”SIXTEEN
THANKSTOAfriendofafriendofafriend,JessmetwithapotentialnewclientonTuesday.Shedidn’treallyhaveroominherscheduleforanyonenew—whoknewfakedatingwouldbesuchatimesuck?—butthegravytrainwouldbeoverwhenGeneticAllywentpublicinMay,andJessdidn’tintendtobecaughtwithherproverbialpantsdownwhenithappened.
KennethMarshallranasmallengineeringfirminWyomingandwasintowntoseeclientsofhisown.Theyagreedtomeetforlunchathishotel,whichhadtheaddedbonusofoverlookingtheconventioncenterandtheSanDiegoBay.Unfortunately,italsohadviewsofShelterIslandandtheGrubers’high-risecondo,whichmeantthatittookmonumentaleffortforJesstofocusontheconversationaboutprobabilitystudyandregressionanalysisandnotthesearingkissfromthecocktailparty.
Howdidsomeonelearntokisslikethat?DidRivertakeaclass?WatchYouTubevideos,likewhenJesslearnedhowtofixthetoiletfillvalve?She’dlaininbedlastnightthinkingabouthismouthandtheurgingpressofhisfingerstoherjaw,aboutthesoberingrealitythatJesshadhadactualsexthatleftherlesssatisfiedthanRiver’skiss.
SexwithRivermightactuallyendher
ShewasalltoohappywhenthemeetingwithKennethwrappedup,andevenhappierwhenheofferedadeposittoholdhisplaceonherscheduleuntillatespring.Butinsteadofimmediatelyheadingtowardthevalet,shewalkedouttothebackpatioofthehoteltotakeintheview.Seagullssoaredoverheadandwavesgentlyrockedtheboatsdockedatthemarina.Snappingaphoto,shesentaquicktexttoFizzy,whowasinLAmeetingwithheragent.
JesshadlivedinCaliforniaherentirelifebutrarelymadeittotheocean.Itseemedliketoomuchpreparation—thesand,thecrowds,findingparking—butonceshewasthere,she’dinvariablywonderwhyshedidn’tdoitmoreoften.
Kindoflikesex.
Jessthoughtofthekissagain,thewayRiverhadangledhisheadtocapturehermouthmoredeeply,howhe’dheldhisbreath,thenletoutashakingexhalewhentheypulledapart.Shewonderedwhetheritwouldhavebeenhardtostopifthey’dbeenalone.Shewonderedwhetherhefuckedlikehekissed.
Herphoneranginherhand,startlingher.SheexpectedtoseeFizzy’sfacefillingthescreen,butinsteadtherewerethreewords:SCRIPPSMERCYHOSPITAL.
“Hello?”Jesssaidinarush,eyesrakingoverthehorizonasherheartbegantothumpJuno,Juno,Junoagainstherbreastbone.
“MayIspeaktoJessicaDavis?”awomanasked.Inthebackground,Jessheardvoices,anelevatording,phonesringing,andthedistantmurmurofanintercom.
“ThisisJessica.”Herpulsepoundedherdaughter’sname.
“ThisisScrippsMercyHospital.WehaveaJoanneDavishere.Yourgrandfather,Ronald,isaskingforyou.Pleasecomeassoonaspossible.”
JESSDIDN’TREMEMBERthewaitatthevaletorthedrivetothehospital,thewalkfromtheparkinglotortalkingtoanyoneatthefrontdesk,butshewouldneverforgetthesightofNanainthehospitalbed.Jessstoodrootedinthedoorway,motionlessasmachineshummedandbeepedaroundNana,andPopshoveredathiswife’sside,holdingherhand.BothofNana’slegswereimmobilizedandstrappedtoasplint.TherewasanIVinherleftarm.ThesmellofantisepticburnedJess’snose.Anursescootedpastherintothehallway,andshemanagedtostepintotheroom.
“Nana?”
Popsturnedtofaceher;everyounceofNana’spainwasmirroredinhisexpression.Heopenedhismouth,butnothingcameout.
“I’mhere,”Jesssaid,crossingtheroomtowrapanarmaroundhim.“Whathappened?”
“Shefell.”
“I’mfine,”Nanasaidthroughashakybreath.“Justlostmyfooting.”
Popssqueezedherhand,eyestrainedonherface.Jess’sgrandfatherhadalwaysbeenthestrongest,steadiestpersonsheknew.Butrightnow,helookedlikeaslightwindmightknockhimdown.“Theythinkit’safracturedfemur,”hesaid,“butwe’rewaitingforthedoctor.WewerebowlingatthatnewplaceinKearnyMesaandsheslipped.”Heputahandoverhismouth.“TheytooktheX-raystwentyminutesago,butnobodywillgoddamntellme—”
Nanawincedand,ifpossible,Pops’sfacewentevenpaler.
“Okay,okay,”Jesssaid,guidinghimawayfromthebedandtoachair.“Let’shaveyousitdown,andI’llseewhat’shappening.Havetheygivenheranythingforpain?”
Hisfingerstrembledashepushedthemthroughhisthin,fluffyhair.“IthinkintheIV.”
“I’llberightback,”Jesssaid,andleanedinsoNanacouldseeher.“NanaJo,I’llberightback.”
Jessstoppedthefirstnurseshesawinthehallway.“Excuseme,Iwasjustinroom213.Canyoutellmewhat’shappeningwithJoanneDavis?”
“You’refamily?”
“I’mhergranddaughter,yes.”
“We’vegivenhersomepainmedsandareexpectingherX-rayresultsanysecond.”Thenursepointedtoawomaninbluescrubsstridingdownthehalltowardthem.“Dr.Reynoldsiscoming.She’lltalkyouthroughit.”
Dr.ReynoldsreturnedwithJesstotheroom,wherePopshadmovedhischairovertothebedandresumedholdingNana’shand.Sweatbeadedherbrow,anditwasclearthatshewasinpainbutworkingvaliantlytohideit.
Dr.ReynoldsgreetedNanaandPops,andanewnursetookNana’svitals.ClippingtheX-rayfilmtoalightedboard,thephysicianexplainedthatNanahadasubtrochantericfracture,betweenthetwobonyprotrusionsofthefemur.
“We’llhavetooperate,”sheexplained.“We’llputinarodthatgoesdownhere.”Dr.Reynoldsdrewalongtheimagewithherfingertip.“Andascrewthatgoesupintoyourhip.Yourswon’tbethatlongbecauseyourfractureisprettyhigh.It’llprobablygotoabouthere.”ShetracedafingerovertheX-raywherethemetalrodwouldend.“Andthenyou’llhaveanotherrodthatwillgoupthroughthefractureintoyourhip.Thisisstrongerthanyouractualbone,soyou’llbeabletowalkandgetupandmovearoundprettyquickly.Butnomorebowlingforatleasteightweeks.”
“Howlongwillshebehere?”Popsasked.
“Let’ssayfivedaysifeverythinggoesasplannedandyou’reabletoworkonmobilityquickly.Possiblysooner.”Dr.Reynoldsshrugged.“Orlongeriftherearecomplicationsorwehaveotherconcerns.”
Jess’sstomachdropped.SheimaginedPopssleepinginthestiffhospitalchaireverynightuntilNanawasdischargedandknewhewouldbemiserable.ButshetriedtoimaginehimathomewhileNanawashere,andthatseemedevenlesslikely.IfheandJesscouldtaketurnsbeingwithNana,shemightbeabletoconvincehimtoeat,torest,totakecareofhimself.Jessglancedatherwatch,mentallyrearrangingdeadlinesandschedulesandpickups.
Panicbubbledup:Junowasoutofschoolinlessthananhour.
Thedoctorleft,andNana’seyeswereheavyfromsedation.
“Pops,”Jesswhispered.“Ineedtomakesomecalls,okay?I’llberightback.”
Henodded,numb,andsheexcusedherselftothehall.Hersafetynethadaholeinit:FizzywasinLA.NanaandPopswereobviouslyindisposed.Shescrolledthroughhercontacts,feelingvery,veryalone.Pausingonhermom’sname,Jesssiftedthrougheverypossibleoutcome.Jamiewouldbeontime,butsmoking.She’dbelate,andJunowouldbealoneandworried.Jamiewouldbeontime,notsmoking,butwouldfillJuno’sheadwithweirdcriticismsandjabs.She’dbeontime,notsmoking,wouldn’tfillJuno’sheadwithgarbage,butwouldfindtheopenbottleofwineinJess’sfridgeandfigurewhynot
Jessdidn’tlikeanyoftheoptions.Shedroppedheavilyintoachair.
Herphoneranginherhand,andshelookeddowntoseeRiver’sname.
Jessdidn’teventhink;shepickedupafteronering,hervoicebreakingonhisname.“River?”
“Hey.I…”Apause.“Iseverythingokay?”
Sheswipedathereyes,chintrembling.“No.”
Histonewentsoftwithconcern.“What’shappening?”
“I’matthehospital.”Herwordscameoutstrangled.
Itsoundedlikehe’djuststoodup.“Oh,no.”
“Nanabrokeherhip,andIneedsomeonetogetJunofromschool.”Jessswipedathereyesagain.“Iknowthiswasn’tpartofthebargain,butFizzyisgoneandmymom—”
“No,hey.OfcourseI’llgether.Willtheyletmepickherup?”
“Icancalland…”Tearsspilledover,andJessbent,pressingherfaceintoherhand.“OhmyGod,Ihadacallatfour.Andtomorrow—”
“Let’smakealist,”hecutingently.Yes,aplan.Order.Herbrainheldontothelifeline.“Firstthingsfirst:Calltheschool.I’lltextyouaphotoofmylicensewithallmyinformationsoyoucanjustreaditofftothem,okay?”
Calltheschool,letthemknow.“Okay.”
“DoesshehaveanythingafterschoolonTuesdays?”
Jessfeltclearer,butslow.Sheimaginedthecalendarinthekitchen,thetinylittleboxeswithJuno’sheartsandbubblyhandwriting.“Shehasballet,butshecanskipit.Canyoubringherhere?We’reatScripps.”
“Jess,Icantakehertoballet.”
Jessimmediatelyshookherhead;she’dalreadycrossedtoomanyboundaries.“No,it’sokay,I—”
“Ipromise,it’snotaproblem,andI’msurehavingheratthehospitalwon’tbeeasieronyou.”
Shewentsilent,unabletodisagree.
“I’veattendedplentyofballetrecitals.Rememberthemeddlingsisters?”hesaid.“Iknowwhatapliéisandeverything.”
Lettingoutasoftsound,notalaugh,notasob,Jesswastoodrainedtoargue.“They’veneverbeenapart,”shesaid.Sheneededsomeoneelsetoknowhowmuchhergrandparentslovedeachother.“Fifty-sixyears.Idon’tknowwhatPopswoulddoifsomethinghappenedtoher.”
“It’sgoingtobeokay,”Riversaidsoothingly.Jessnodded.Sheneededtobelieveit,too.
SHECALLEDTHEschoolandmadearrangementsforRivertopickupJuno.Hetextedassoonashehadher,sendingaphotoofthetwoofthemmakingsillyfaces,andthenanotherofJunosafelybuckledintothebackseatofhisshinyblackAudi.Frankly,Junolookeddelightedtobethere.Jesscouldonlyimaginetheharassmentshewouldgettobuyanewcar,“likeRiverNicolas’s.”
Nanawaswheeledintosurgeryacoupleofhourslater,andanursehandedPopsasmallpagerthatlookedlikethekindrestaurantsused.
“That’llvibratewhenwehavenews,”thenursetoldthem.“Bringituptothedeskandwe’llupdateyou.Ifitdoesn’tgooff,there’snothingnewtotellyou.”
PopsalternatedbetweenholdingJess’shandinthewaitingroomandtakinglongwalksaroundthebuilding.Hiseyeswerered-rimmedwhenhereturned,hisbodyheavyashesankintothechairfacinghers.
“Anything?”heasked.
“Notyet.”Jessleanedforward,takinghishandsandpullingthemintoherlap.“DoyourememberthattimeNanaboughtusallgardeningglovesanddidn’trealizethe‘floralprint’wasactuallymarijuana?”
“ThewayshekeptinsistingitwasaJapanesemaple.”Hisshouldersshookwithquietlaughter.“AndJunebugstillpointingout‘Nana’sfavoriteplant’wheneversheseesoneonaT-shirtorasign.”
Thesoundoffamiliarlaughtercarrieddownthehall,andJesslookedupintimetoseeRiverandJunoturningthecornerintothewaitingroom.Junowasstilldressedforballetinherpalepinkleotardandtights,butherfavoritepinkcowboybootsclompedacrossthelinoleumfloor.Herhairwaspulledupinalopsidedbun,andsheheldontoRiverwithonehand,clutchingabouquetofsunflowersintheother.ThesightoftheirclaspedhandsyankedabreathfromJess’sthroat.
“There’smygirl,”Popssaid,eyeslightingup.
“Webroughtsandwiches!”Junowhisper-yelled,andJessglanceduptoRiver.Hemusthaveexplainedtoherthatthiswasahospital,andsickpeopleweretryingtorest.Jesscouldn’timagineanotherscenariowhereJunoMerriamDavisdidn’tburstintothisroomatfullvolumelookingforhernana.
ShehandedJesstheflowers,pressedakisstohermom’slips,andthenclimbedontoPops’slap.
Jessstood,takingthewhitepaperbagRiveroffered.“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“Wefiguredthelastthingonyourmindwouldbedinner,”hesaid.
Shesmelledmeatballsubs,andhermouthwatered.“ThankGod,becauseIamfamished.”
“Howisshe?”
“Yeah,howisNanaJo?”Junoasked.
“She’sstillinsurgery,”Jesssaid.“They’reexpectinghertobefine,we’rejustwaiting.”ShehandedPopsasandwichandpointedwithhersupatthehunkofmalemagicinfrontofthem.“Pops,thisisRiverPe?a.River,thisismygrandfatherRonaldDavis.”
RiverreachedtoshakePops’shand.“It’sapleasuretomeetyou.I’veheardgreatthings.”
“Likewise.”Popsreturnedthehandshake,andJesshadtobiteherliptokeepfromsmiling.“AndthankyoufortakingcareofourlittleJunebughere.It’sbeenquiteanafternoon.”
“Itwasnoproblem,”Riversaid.“Sometimesit’sfuntotakeaMuppettoballet.”
JunowiggledwildlyonPops’slap,stickingherfingersinherears,screwingupherface.
“Theresheis,”Riversaidfondly.
Junocametoanabruptstop,seemingtoremembersomething.“WillNanahaveherscooteragain?”
“I’mnotsure,”Popstoldher.“Webettergetmysteel-toedbootsoutofstoragejustincase.”
ThepagerwentoffinJess’slap:thediskilluminatedwithredlights,vibratingacrossherthigh.Popsstoodabruptly,depositingJunoinhisseatbeforehepickedupthepagerandhustledtothenurses’station.
“Shemustbeoutofsurgery,”Jesssaid,watchinghim.
“I’mgoingtoletyougettoit,then.”RiverglancedatJuno.“Thankyouforspendingtheafternoonwithme,JunoMerriam.It’sbeenalongtimesinceIwenttoaballetclass.”
“You’rewelcome,”shesaid.“Youcancomeagainifyouwant.”
“Well,maybeIwill.”Hesmiled,turningtoJess.“Callmeifyouneedanythingelse?”
“Iwill.”Wordsshewantedtosaytangledupinherchestinanemotionalclog.Gratitudeandlustandfearandlonging.Shedidn’twanthimtoleave.Shewantedtostand,slideherarmsaroundhiswaistunderhisjacket,andwhisperherthanksintothewarmthofhisneck.Butinstead,shesimplysaid,“Thankyou,River.”
NANACAMETHROUGHsurgerywithflyingcolors.Shewaswheeledintorecovery,andwhilePopswasabletohavesometimewithher,JessandJunohadalittlepicnicwithsandwiches,fruit,andcookiesinthefamilywaitingroom.
“HowwasyourafternoonwithDr.Pe?a?”
“IcallhimRiverNicolas,andhecallsmeJunoMerriam,”shecorrectedaroundamouthfulofmandarinorange.“WewenttoballetclassandhemetMs.Mia,andhewasgoingtowaitintheparents’room,butIaskedMs.Miaifhecouldwatchuspracticeourrecital.Hesatonthefloorbythemirrorandwatchedus,Mom.Hesawhowgoodwewere.”
“Ibethewasimpressed.”Jess’schestpinchedtightlyattheimageofsix-foot-four-inchRiversittingcross-leggedonthefloorofthedancestudio.
“Thenwegotapretzelandsomeflowers,buthethoughtyouguysmightbehungry,sowegotsandwiches,too.”ShemunchedonherorangeandthenlookedupatJesswithwideblueeyes.“Didyouknow,Itoldhimthatyoudon’tlikerawonionsandhesaidhedoesn’tlikerawonions,either?”
“Ididn’tknowthat,butitwasveryniceofyouguystobringusdinner.”SheranherhandthroughJuno’scopperyhair.
“Nowisheyourboyfriend?”Junomethereyesandthenlookedawayinararedisplayofshyness.“Becausetodayhepickedmeupatschoolsortoflikeadaddywould.”
“Oh.”AsharpachepressedupfromJess’sstomachtoherbreastbone.“Well,we’refriends.So,whenIneededhelppickingyouup,heofferedtohelpmelikefriendsdo.”
Junolookeddisappointed.“Oh.”
“ButI’mreallygladyoulikehim.”Jessleanedforward,kissingherdaughter’sforehead.“It’sbeenalongday,hasn’tit?”
“I’mnottired,”Junoclaimedthroughayawn.“ButIbetPigeoniswonderingwhereweare.”
Jesssmiledastheycleaneduptheirfood,watchingJunogrowdroopierwitheverypassingsecond.Shethoughtshewasabigkid,butassoonaseighto’clockcamearound,exhaustionrolledoverherlikeanoffshoredrift.WithNanaasleep,theysaidgoodbyetoPops.Jessmadehimpromisetogetsomesleep,too,andpromisedhimthatshe’dbebackinthemorning.SheliftedJuno,andwiped-outlittlearmsmadetheirwayaroundJess’sneck,herlegsaroundJess’swaist.
Theelevatordoorsopenedtothegroundfloor,andJesssteppedout,stoppinginhertrackswhenshesawRiverperchedinachairneartheexit.Approachinghim,JessbalancedJunoinherarms.“River,ohmyGod,you’restillhere?”
Helookedupfromhisphoneandabruptlystood.“Hey.”
“Hi.”Jesslaugheduncomfortably.Guiltoozedthroughher.“Ihopeyoudidn’tfeellikeyouhadtostay.”
Helookedsheepishandsleepy.Jesswasn’tsurewhy,butitmadeherwanttocry.“Iwantedtoseehowshewas,”hesaid.“Yourgrandmother.”
“She’sachamp.Everythingwentfine.”Jesssmiled.“She’ssleepingnow,butI’msureshe’llstarthasslingthemtolethergotomorrow.”
“Good.”HetuckedhisphoneinhispocketandglancedatJuno,asleeplikeasackofpotatoesoverhershoulder.“Ialsowantedtothankyoufortrustingmetoday.”Heleanedtotheside,confirmingthatJunowasout.“ShementionedsomethinginthecartomeaboutKristaandNaomi?”
“Thosearehertwobestfriendsatschool.”
Heclickedhistongue,wincingalittle.“Ithinkmaybeshehadaroughday.Wetalkeditoutabit,butsoundsliketheyweren’tbeingsupernicetoheratlunch.Justwantedtoletyouknow.”
Jess’shearttwisted.Hersunshinegirlrarelyspokeaboutschool;itmusthavebeenroughifshementionedit.“I’llaskheraboutit.Thankyou.You’reamazing.”
“She’samazing,Jess.You’redoingagreatjob.”
Shehadtoswallowtwicebeforeshecouldgetthewordsout.“Thankyouforsayingthat.”Pridewarmedherfromtheinsideout.Junowasanamazingkid,proofthatJesswasagoodmom—mostofthetime.Ithadn’tbeeneasy,buttheyweredoingit.Hiscomplimentloosenedsomethinginher,though,andJesswassuddenlyexhausted,too.
“CanIwalkyoutoyourcar?”
Shenoddedandtheyturned,passingthroughtheautomaticdoorsandoutintothehumid,coolnight.Athercar,Jessfumbledinherpurseforthekeys.
“CanIhelpyouwithsomething?”heasked,laughinglikehefeltuseless.
“Nah.Youshouldhaveseenmewhenshewasyounger.Acarseat,diaperbag,stroller,andgroceries.I’dmakeanexcellentoctopus.”Remoteinhand,sheunlockedthecar.
“I’mbeginningtoseethat.”
RiveropenedthebackdoorandshebenttocarefullydepositafloppyJunointotheseat,bucklingherin.Whenshestraightened,closingthedoor,hewasstillthere.Theskywasdark;theparkinglothadmostlyemptiedout.Cricketschirpedfromanearbybush.Jesswonderedifhewasgoingtokissher.Theacheforhimseemedtoexpandinsideherlikeastar.
“Thankyouagain,”shesaid.
Themomentstretchedandthenhewasleaningin,divertingslightlytotheleftattheverylastsecondsothathislipspressedtothecornerofhermouth.Itwouldhavebeensoeasyforhertoturnherheadslightlyonewayortheother,andtheybothknewit.Shecouldhavemadeitmoreintimate,orshecouldhaverefusedhim.Instead,shekept
Shewasbeingacoward.
Hestraightenedandgaveheronelast,lingeringsmile.“Night,Jess.”
Beforehecouldturnaway,shecaughthisfingerswithhers.“River.Hey.”
Hefrowneddownather,waiting,butthelongershestoodtherelookingupathim,themorehisexpressiontransitionedfromconcerntounderstanding.Finally,heturnedhishandoverinhers,threadingtheirfingerstogether.“Youokay?”
Shenodded,swallowingdownthetangleofangstinherthroat.Pressingherhandtohischest,shestretched,andhestoodcarefullystillasshebrushedhermouthoverhis.Whenshesteppedaway,hestareddownatherwiththesameunreadablerestraint.Ifshe’dbeenanylessexhausted,Jesswouldhavefeltlikeacompleteidiot.“Yeah—sorry.Just.Wantedtodothat.”
Riverreachedup,gentlyguidingherhairbehindhershoulder.“Evenwithoutanaudience?”heaskedquietly.
“I’mamazedwediditwithanaudience.”
Asmilebrokeslowlyacrosshisface,startingwithhiseyesandmovingdowntolipsthatcurvedupinshyrelief.Bending,Riversetthoselipsonhers,andthesamesensationoffloatinghitherlikeanarcotic.Hegaveheraseriesofsweet,briefkisses,andfinallytiltedhisheadtopullatherlowerlip,nudginghermouth,coaxingitopensohecouldtasteher.
Thefirstcontactwithhistonguewaslikeashotofadrenalineintoherheart,sentwithshockingclarityandspeeddowneveryextremity.Aquietsoundofreliefescapedherthroatanditturnedsomethingoverinhim;hishandsflewaroundherback,pullingherflushagainsthim.
Jesshadtheacuteurgetocrawlinsidehimsomehow,kissinghimwiththekindofconcentrated,buildingintensityshe’dneverfeltbefore.Notevenatthecocktailparty.Alonetogetherinthedarknessoftheparkinglot,withablackskyallaroundandfingersofthecold,dampFebruaryairdippingbeneaththeircollars,Riverleftnoroom,holdinghercloseandsendinghiswarm,broadhandupunderthehemofhersweater,pressinghishandflattothesmallofherback.
Tight,hungrysoundsescapedwhenevertheypulledawayandcamebackformore.Hebentpossessively,onehandholdingfirmatherback,theotherslidingupherneck,cuppingherjaw,diggingintoherhair.Jesscould,inaninstant,seehoweasilyhewoulddevourher.Acurrentvibratedwhentheycametogether;hebecamelessmanthanpureenergy,armsshakingwithrestraint.Sheimaginedscootingbackonabed,watchinghimprowlforward,anticipatinghowitwouldfeeltolethimdowhateverhewantedtoher.Begginghimto.
Riverbrokethekiss,breathinghardandrestinghisforeheadonhers.“Jess.”
Shewaitedformore,butthatseemedtobeallofit,thequietexhalationofhername.
Slowly,withtheclarityofthesharp,coolairinherlungsandspacefromtheintoxicatingweightofhisbodyagainsthers,shereturnedtoherself.Thenightskytickledthebackofherneck;asodiumlightbuzzedoverhead.
“Wow,”shesaidquietly.
“Yeah.”
Hepulledbackandlookeddownather,atetherconnectingsomethinginsidehertohim.Theywerequiet,buttheairdidn’tfeelempty.
Riverpulledhishandoutfrombeneathhershirt,leavingtheskinonherbacksuddenlychillywithouttheheatofhispalm.Andthenthesensationdoubled—assheleanedbackintothecoldsideofhercar,aviolentshiverranthroughher.
Allatonce,theirproximitysankin.
Hercar.
Juno.
Jesswhippedaround,horrifiedtorememberonlyforthefirsttimeinseveralminutesthatherchildcouldpossiblywatchthisthroughthewindow.JessdeflatedinrelieftofindthatJunowasstilloutcold.
WhatwasIthinking?
Riversteppedaway,cuppinghisneck.“Shit.I’msorry.”
“OhmyGod.”Jessliftedherhandstoherface,breathlessforanentirelynewreason.“No,Istartedit.I’m—sorry.”
Shewalkedaroundtothedriver’sside,meetinghiseyesoverthetopofthecar.Shewaslosingherhead.Thiswasallmovingwaytoofast,andshehadthesensethatneitherofthemwasbehindthewheel.“Thankyou,”shesaid,awareoftheknowing,calculatingwayhewatchedher.Inwardly,Jessshookherself;shebarelyknewhim.Shewaslettingthissoulmatestuffgettoher.
“Goodnight,”hesaidquietly.
“Night,”Jessreplied,hervoicehoarse.Sheworriedherpanicandlustandconfusionshowedplainlyonherface.Shemusthavelookedlikealunatic—wide-eyedandbreathless—butfondnesswarmedhisgazefromtheinsideout,asifhewasseeingexactlythepersonhewantedtosee.SEVENTEEN
POPSWASN’TANSWERINGhisphone.Heprobablyforgottochargeit.
Despitethedrawofgoodcoffeeandtheemotionalballastofherbestfriend—Fizzy’dgottenbackfromLAlatelastnight—Jessdecidedtotakeherchanceswithhospitalcoffeeandheadedstraightthere,findingPopsstandingatNana’sbedside,just…staringworriedlydownather.Nanaremainedhookeduptoallmannerofhospitalmonitors,withonelegcarefullyproppedandwrappedfromcalftohip,butshewaspeacefullyasleep.Despitethis,aglanceatPops’sfacetoldJesshehadn’tclosedhiseyesforlongerthanablinksincesheandJunohadlefthimlastnight.
Shecrossedtheroom,wrappingherarmsaroundhimfrombehindandkissinghisshoulder.“Hey,you.”
Hepattedherhand,turninghisfacetowardher.“Hey,honey.”
“Youbeenstandingherelikethisallnight?”
Hislaughcameoutasacough.“No.Upanddown,though.There’ssomuchbeeping,somuchcheckingin,lightson,lightsoff.Gladshesleptthroughmostofit.”
“Shehasthebenefitofpainkillersandabed,”Jesssaid.“Youmustfeellikehell.”
Henodded,reachinguptoscratchhisstubblycheekwiththeendsofhisblunt,thickfingers.“Justworriedabouther.”
Jessopenedhermouth,butimmediatelycloseditagain.Haltthisvigilanceforahalfhour?JessicaDavisknewbetter.Shewouldn’tevenconsidersuggestinghegohometoshowerandgetafewhoursofsleepinhisownbed.
Mightaswellgivehimsomefortificationintheformofcaffeine.“Iwasgoingtograbsomecoffeedownstairs.Wantsome?”
“Yes,”herasped,grateful.“Andsomethingtoeat,please.”
Jesskissedhisshoulderagain.“Ofcourse.Backinafew.”
Outinthehallway,itwasimpossibletoignorethestressfulenergyofthehospital.Nurseswheeledmonitorsintorooms;doctorsflippedthroughcharts,frowning.Aconstantwhitenoiseofunsynchronizedbeepingemanatedfromalldirections.
Statisticswheeledthroughherthoughts—lifeexpectancyafterahipfracture:one-yearmortalityraterangedfrom14to58percent,withameanof21.2percent.Oddsofsurvivalworsenedwithincreasingage,ofcourse;thankfullymalesweremorevulnerableandmobilityscoressignificantlyinfluencedoutcome.Nanawasactiveandfemale…
Meaningatbestsheonlyhadaone-in-fivechanceofdyingthisyear.
Numbly,Jessorderedcoffeeinthecafeteria,grabbingafruitsaladandbagelforPops.Shebent,inhalingthecups,tryingtotrickherbrainanddivertitfromapanicspiral.Awhiffoftheweakbrewbarelyregistered.
Shesatinahardcafeteriachairandtookasecondtocheckheremails—KennethMarshallhadsentoversomesampledatasets,andshehadanewrequestthroughherwebsitefromawholesalejewelrydealerinChulaVista.Shewouldneedtoreschedulethemeetingshe’dhadtopostponeyesterday,andbumpupadeepdiveonanalyticepidemiologyforsomedatathatwascominginfromUCSD.Therewasnowayshewasgoingtogetthroughallofittoday,getPopstorest,talktoNana’ssurgeon,andbethereforschoolpickup.AtleastJunohadrunenthusiasticallytowardKristaandNaomiatdrop-off,soJessdidn’thavetoworryabouther.
Swallowingabittersipofcoffee,shetextedFizzy:
Myinboxisterrifying,andIthinkI’llneedtostayheretodaysoPopscangetsomerest.
Fizzyrepliedimmediately,anticipatingwhatJesswasgoingtoaskevenasshewastypingoutthequestion:
DoesthatmeanIgetJunotoday?Yesssssss!
Jessclosedhereyes,tiltingherfacetotheceiling.Gratitudeandguiltprickledhotandcoldthroughher.
Thanks.Iwon’tbelate.
Ihavenothingelsegoingon.Robisonaworktrip,andImissedyourkid.
Thankyou.I’msorry—IswearI’llgethomeasearlyasIcan.
Shutup.Imeanit.
Unexpectedtearseruptedacrossthesurfaceofhereyes,andthestingpulledherintoawareness.Popswasprobablystarving;Nanamightwakeupsoon.Pullittogether,Jess.
Backupontheorthopedicfloor,voicesfiltereddownthehallfromNana’sroom.JessheardthelowrumbleofPops,Nana’ssluggish,softwords…andthenthedeep,quietvoicethathadlefthertossingandturningallnight.
SheturnedthecornertoseeRiverstandingwithhisbacktothedoor,rightnexttoPopsatthesideofNana’sbed.NanaJowasawake,blurry-eyedbutsmiling.Frombehind,Pops’sposturelookedperkierthanithadintwenty-fourhours,andheheldato-gocupinhislefthand.
“It’sgoodtoseeyouawake,”Riverwassaying.“ImetMr.Davisbutdidn’tgettomeetyouyesterday.”
Nanastillhadn’tseenJessinthedoorway—shewasmostlyhiddenbyRiver’sbody—butJesscaughtaglimpseofherbeamingupathim.Jesscouldn’tblamehergrandmother;Dr.Pe?awasundoubtedlybetter-lookingthanshehadleton.“Well,you’resweettocomeby,hon.Jesshastoldusallaboutyou.”
Thismadehimlaugh.“Hasshe?Uh-oh.”
“Well,”Nanahedged,laughinglightly,“notasmuchasI’dlike,Iadmit.Thatgirlisasteeltrap.”
“Thatsoundsaboutright.”Thistime,theylaughedknowinglytogether,andJessscowledfrombehindthem.“I’mgladyouseemtobefeelingbettertoday.”
NanaJopushedtositup,wincing.“They’llprobablygetmeoutofbedandwalkingheresoon.”
Popsnodded.“That’sright.Youupforit,Jellybean?”
“I’mgonnagiveitmybest,”Nanasaidquietly.Uneasily.
Frozeninthedoorway,Jessdidn’tknowwhattodoorsay.Riverwasn’tthrowingNanaandPopsintoWeHaveCompanymodeintheslightest.
“Soundslikeyou’vegotaprettyfancyoperationoverthereinLaJolla,”Popssaid.
Rivernodded,tuckingahandintohispocket.“We’rehoping.Ifyoutwoeverwanttogettested,you’dbeaniceadditiontoourDiamondMatchdata.”
Nanalaughed,wavinghimoff.“Oh,you’resweet.”
“Buthe’sright,”Popssaid,bendingtokissherforehead.“Whatdoyouthink?Shouldweseeifwe’remeantforeachother?”
Nanasmackedhischest,laughing,andJessfeltanothermysteriousurgetocry.
Butwhenshetookastepbackwardtoeaseoutofview,hershoesqueakedonthelinoleum,andallheadsturnedinherdirection.Riverpivotedfully,breakingintoasmile.
“Hey,Nana,”Jesssaid,walkingtoherbedsideandbendingtokisshersoftcheek.“How’reyoufeeling,superstar?”
“Muchbetterwithtwohandsomemenandmyfavoritegranddaughterinmyroom.”
RiverlaughedandextendedacoffeefromTwiggstoJess.“Idon’tthinkyougotyourflatwhitethismorning,”hesaid.“Fizzysaidyouhadn’tbeenin.”
Theireyesmetbriefly,andJesswasthefirsttolookaway.Sheflushedatthememoryofhismouthonhers.
“Camestraighthereafterschooldrop-off.”Shesetthecrappyhospitalcoffeeonthewindowsill(incaseofemergency)andPops’sfoodonthelittletablebyNana’sbedside.“Thanks,”Jesssaid,takingthecupfromRiver.Theirfingersbrushedanditfeltlikeclothes-rippingforeplay.
Rivercurledhishandintoafist,shovingitintothefrontpocketofhispants.“Justwantedtostopinonthewaytowork.”
“That’sreallyniceofyou.”
NanaJogaveJessaIsthatallyouhavetosaytohim?frown,andwhenRiverglancedtothesideatthesoundofamonitorbeeping,JessreturnedahelplessWhatelsedoyouwantmetosay?shrug.
NanaJorolledhereyesandJesslookedbacktoRiver,whounfortunatelyhadcaughtthetailendofthisnonverbalconversation.Heclearedhisthroatandpulledhissleevebacktolookathiswatch.“Ishouldprobablyheadout.”
“Thankyouforstoppingby,”Jessmanaged.
“Yeah,”Riversaidhaltingly.“Ofcourse.”
Jesstriedagain.“CanIwalkyouout?”
Henodded,andshefollowedhimintothehallway.
“I’msorryifI’mintruding,”hesaidimmediately.
“No.”Sheliftedhercoffeetohim.“Thiswillsavemetoday.”
Frowning,hemurmured,“Well,I’mglad.”
Whatwouldreallybehelpfulwouldbetostepintohisarmsandlethimworryabouteverythingforafewhours.Riverseemedwillingtobethatperson.
Lastnighthadfeltlikefallingintoadeepwellfilledwithstars.Jesscouldhavestayedinhisarmsforhourswithoutcomingupforair.ButrightnowwasnotthetimetobedistractedbyconstantthoughtsofgettingintoRiver’spants.
Hestraightened.“IbroughtsomethingforJuno.”Diggingintohismessengerbag,hepulledoutafewsheetsofpaper.“SomerollercoasterstuffIprintedofflastnight.”
Jesstookthepaperswithoutlookingatthem,unabletoshifthergazefromhisface.Herheartwasrampinguptoacrescendo,buthermindhadgoneunexpectedlymute.
Thesesmall,easywaysofcaring:sandwiches,coffee,schoolpickups,rollercoasterresearch.
Juno’sheartwasbuilttoexpand.Hepickedmeupatschoolsortoflikeadaddywould.Shewasgoingtogetattached,butifhisrelationshipwithJessdidn’tpanoutaftertheirexperiment,hewouldbegone.Junowouldknowabandonment—aftereverytinyandenormouseffortJesshadmadetobuildalasting,secureworldforher.
AndJesscouldn’tdeny:shewouldfeeltheloss,too.Shedidn’twanthimtobecomeindispensableandprecioustoher.She’dneverneededanyoneexcepthertinycircle.Shedidn’tknowifshewasevencapableoftrust-fallingbackwardintoanyoneelse’sarms.
Itwasunfairaftereverythinghe’ddoneforherinthepasttwenty-fourhours,butfearcrawledupinsideherlikeacreeping,stranglingvineanyway.“Thankyoufordoingthat,”shemanagedrobotically,liftingthepapers.
Riverfrowned,atalossagainstherblanktone.“Okay—well,that’sallI’vegot.”Headjustedthestraponhisshoulder,browfurrowedinconfusion.Thismorning’sJesswasnotthesamewomanhe’dkissedoutsideofthecarlastnight.“I’llcatchyoulater.”
Heturned,stiffly,andbeganwalkingtowardtheelevator.
Stride,stride,stride.
Somethingthawedinher.“River.”Sheheardthewayhervoicerangdownthehall,itsodd,desperatepitch.“Wait.”
Heturnedslowly,expressionguarded.
“I’msorryI’mso—”Sheapproachedhim,stoppingafewfeetawayasshestruggledfortherightwords.“I’msorryI’moddlynonverbaltoday.I’mreallygratefulforyourhelpwithJunolastnight,andIlovethatyoubroughtmeacoffee.”
Hestaredather,waitingfortherest.
“It’sjust—noneofthisispartofourcontract.IhopeyouknowIknowthat.Iwouldneverwanttotakeadvantage.”
Ifshethoughthisexpressionwasflatbefore,shewaswrong.Becauseatthis,hismouthstraightened,browwentcompletelysmooth.“You’reright,”hesaid.Hestaredathisshoesforaclarifyingbeat,andthensmiledstifflyather.“I’msorryifImadeyoufeeluncomfortablelastnight,ortoday.Letmeknowifyouneedanythingelse.”
Hestartedtoturnagain,andaclawingdesperationroseinheratthesightofhimwalkingaway.Shewantedhimhere,shewantedhimrightfuckinghere,butthatexactfeelingwasmakingherwanttoreachforwardandshovehimaway.
“It’sjustthatIdon’tknowwhattodowithwhatI’mfeeling,”Jessadmittedinaburst.
Slowly,Riverturnedbacktoherandletoutagentlybewilderedlaugh.“Neitherofusdoes.”
“Youstandtomakesomuchmoney,”shesaid.“Howcanthatnotbeconstantlyonmymind?WhatwouldIhavedoneifyouhadn’thelpedwithJunoyesterday?Butit’salwaysrighthere,”shesaid,urgentlytappinghertemplewithanindexfinger,“toquestionwhetherit’sgenuine.It’sonethingifyou’refoolingme,it’sanotherwhenit’smykid.”
Hisbrowrelaxed.“I’mnothereforthestockprice,Jess.I’vesaiditbefore.Itisn’taboutthemoney.”
“That’ssomethingonlypeoplewhoaren’tworriedaboutmoneysay.”
Riversighed,blinkingawayandthenbacktoher.“Didlastnightfeellikeanacttoyou?”Whenshedidn’tanswer,hetookastepcloser,tonesoftening.“DoyouunderstandwhatI’mtryingtotellyou?TheDNADuocanbringustogether,butitcan’tmakeusfallforeachother.Itcan’tknowyourpastormine,orpredictwhatwouldscareusoff,orenticeustobetogether.Allofthatisuptous,notthealgorithm.”
Jessclosedhereyesandreachedup,rubbingherhandoverherface.Everythinghesaidsoundedsological.Butstill.Shewasscared.
Sheresentedherinfatuation’spersistentstabintoeverywakingmoment.ShewasattractedtoRiverbeyondanythingshe’dfeltbefore,butitwasemotional,too.Itwasthekindofattractionthatsentdownrootsbelowthesurface.
Thisnew,tenderkindoftorturemadeherwanthiminallaspectsofherlife.Onthepillownexttohers.Acrossthetableatdinner.Holdingherhandatthehospital.Riverwaskind,andthoughtful,andvulnerable.Hewasbrilliantandquietlyfunny.Hewaseverythingsheeverwantedinapartner,evenifshedidn’trealizeituntilhewasstandingrighthere,tellingherthatitwasalluptothemtotry,ornot.
Jessreleasedatinystreamofanxiety:“I’mscared,okay?Idon’twanttogethurt,andIreallydon’twantJunotogethurt.She’snever—”Shestoppedshort,rephrasing.“Juno’sneverhadsomeonesheloveddisappearonher.”
River’sunwaveringgazesoftened,andhetookanotherstepclosertoher.“Idon’twantthat,either.ButI’mnotasoldierorarobot.I’mnothereonGeneticAllybusiness.I’mfollowingwhatI’mfeeling.”Helookedbackandforthbetweenhereyesforabitbeforesomethinginhisexpressioncleared,relaxing.“You’dhavenowayofknowingthis,butI’mterribleatfakingemotions.”Jesslaughedthroughaquietsob.“AndIgetthatit’smorecomplicatedbecauseofJuno,butwhatelseamIsupposedtodobutask?Iwanttospendtimewithyou.”
“Wearespendingtimetogether,”Jesssaidlamely.
“Officialeventsandconversationsinhospitalhallways?”heasked,frowning.“Isthisenoughforyou?”
Couldheseethenoinhereyes?“Idon’tknowwhatelseispossiblerightnow.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Riverclosedthelastbitofdistancebetweenthem,reachingforherfreehand.Itfeltcoldagainsttheheatofhisfingers.Helookedaroundthehallwaysurroundingthem.“Thisispartoflife,Jess.Emergenciesandresponsibilityandmanagingsmallfiresallthetime—butit’sonlypartofit.Therearequietmoments,too.Goodmoments.Momentswhenwecanaskformore.”
“It’snotthepartI’mverygoodat.”
“Ihadn’tnoticed.”Heunleashedawrysmile.
Thismadeherlaugh.“Whatareyousaying?”
“Ithoughtitwasobvious.”Hisgrinturnedshy.“Really?”
“Really.”
“Iwanttobeheretobringyoucoffee.Iwanttotakeyououttodinnerandorderthesamefoodandhearyourecitetheoddsthatwewouldhavemet.Iwanttohate-attendfancysocialeventstogether.”Jesslaughed,asurprisedburstofsound,andhistonesoftened.“Iwantyoutocallmeforhelp—withoutanapologyalreadyonthetipofyourtongue.IwanttofeellikeIcankissyouagainbyyourcarattheendofthenight.”Heswallowed.“Iwantyouinmybed.”
Jesswasalittleafraidthatherfeetwouldmeltintothefloor.Thatflameswouldtravelupherlegsandburnaholestraightthroughher.Shewantedthat.ButifsheletherselffallforRiver,therewouldbenoeasywayout.
“Icantellyou’renotsurewhattosay,”hesaid,bendingtokisshercheek.“That’sokay.Youknowwheretofindmewhenyou’reready.”EIGHTEEN
POPS,WOULDYOUgetoutofhereforjustalittlewhile?”
Heignoredher.“What’sathirteen-letterwordfor‘old’?”
“I’dsayRonaldDavis,”Jesssaid,“butthat’sonlyeleven.”
Nanachuckledfromthebed,whereshewasdrowsilyhalfwatchingTVonmute.
“Well?”heprompted,tiredandirritable.
Jessshookherhead.“Nope.”
“Whatdoyoumean,‘nope’?”hegruffed.
“I’mnothelpingyou,”shetoldhim.“Youstinkandyou’refallingasleepinyourchair.”
“She’sright,”Nanamurmured.
HestaredatNanaJo,thenatJess,andthenblinkeddown,forlorn,atthepuzzle.“Octogenarian?”Hecountedonhisfingers,andgruntedinannoyance.“Septuagenarian?”Victorious,hemovedtowriteitin.
“That’sfourteenletters,”Jesssaid.“You’reforgettingtheUinthere,aren’tyou?”
Irked,Popsdroppedthecrosswordontothetableindefeat.
“Gohomeforabit,”Nanasaidsleepily.“Idon’tneedyouwatchingmeallday.”
“Well,it’snotmyfaultIcan’ttakemyeyesoffyou.You’rejusttoopretty.”
NanaJorolledhereyes,buthiswordsmadeherglowlikeaChristmastree.
“Fine,I’llgohomeandshowerandsleep.”Hestood,stretching.SomethingcrackedinhisbackandheletoutatightmoanbeforekissingNanaontheforehead.HelookedoverhisshoulderatJess.“Youwon’tleaveher?”Jessforgavehimtheaccusatorytone;hewasexhausted.
Itwasonthetipofhertonguetojokethatshepromisedtoonlyleaveifshegotboredorhungry,orifahotmalenursewantedtosneakintoasupplycloset,butnowwasnotthetime.“Iwon’tleaveher.”Quietly,sheadded,“Superannuated.”
Lettingoutaquiet“Dammit,Ishouldhaveknownthatone,”hewalkedbackoverandscribbledthewordintothepuzzle.
POPSRETURNEDAROUNDthree,lookingsignificantlycleanerandmarginallybetterrested.HearrivedonlyahandfulofminutesbeforethephysicaltherapistcametogetNanaupandoutofbedforthefirsttime,andJesswasgladbecauseittookallthreeofthemtotalkthenormallyfearlesswomanthroughthepanicofputtingweightonherleg.
Jessdidn’thavetimetoreelintheemotionalhitofseeingNanasofrailandscared;ittookanhourtogetherupandtakingthetenassistedstepstothedoor,whereawheelchairtookhertothePTroom,andanotherhourthere,workingonstrengthandbalance.
BythetimeNanaJowasbackinbedforthenightitwasjustafterfive,andalthoughJesshadbeensittingformostoftheday,shewassomentallydrainedthatshejustwantedtocurlupinherbed—hell,she’dhappilyfindaspotonthelinoleumfloor.Butmorethanthat,shewantedsometimewithJunowhileherdaughterwasawake.Andfood.Shehadn’teatensinceshe’dpickedatadrybranmuffinaroundtenthatmorning,andherstomachgnarledinannoyance.
TextingFizzythatshe’dhavesomedinnerdelivered,Jessclimbedintohercar,calledanorderintoRama,andturnedonthemellowrumbleoftheNational.Musicfilledthecar,anditwasanintoxicatinghitofcalm.
Yousaidlovefillsyouup…
Igotitworsethananyoneelse
Hershoulderstensed,andsheturnedthemusicoff.
Inthesilence,herthoughtsimmediatelyfloodedwithRiver.Theparadoxicalbrewofhospitaltediumandchaoshadheldeverythingback,butinthedarksolitudeofherowncar,emotionpouredoverher.
Ithoughtitwasobvious.
Iwanttohearyourecitetheoddsthatwewouldhavemet.
“‘Iwantyouinmybed,’”sherepeatedaloud.
Jesspulledintoherparkingspotinthealley,listenedtotheenginetickinthesilence.ShecouldsmellduckcurryallthewaydownthepathandsentasilentthankstoRama.
Inside,JunoandFizzywereatthetable,feastingandplayingcards.TheywerewearinghandmadepaperhatsandFizzyhadput…alotofmakeuponJuno.
“We’refilmingmakeuptutorialsformymom,”Fizzysaid,standingtowalkoverandgiveJessahug.
Jessstifledalaughatherdaughter’sexaggeratedlips.“Isee.”
Withanirrepressibleurgetodeflateinfatigue,Jessconsideredsimplyloweringherbodytothefloor.Butshewantedherarmsaroundherkidsobadtheyached.Atthetable,JessliftedJunoupandsetheronherlapwhileherdaughterfinishedeating,pressingherfacetothesmallstretchbetweenthedelicateshoulderblades.“Imissedyou,Bug.”
“Ihaven’tbeengone,silly!”Junobentinhergrip,maneuveringabiteintohermouth.
Oncethey’dstuffedthemselvestothepointofdiscomfort,JunosettledonthecouchtowatchTheLionKing,andFizzyandJesslingeredinthekitchenwithglassesofwine.
“Idon’tlikewhenyou’reoutoftown,”Jesssaidthroughayawn.“Iblameyouforyesterday.”
“Seemsreasonable.”Fizzyswallowedasipandbitherlip,studyingJesswithnarrowedeyes.“JunosaysRiverNicolaspickedherupandtookhertoballet?”
Jesswavedahand,unpreparedtotalkaboutityet.“HowarethingswithyouandBankerRob?”
“Hotandfantastic.”
Sheraisedaneyebrow.“Willhebecomingtoyourplacelater?”
Fizzyshookherhead,wavingherglasswithadelicatelybentwrist.“He’soutoftown,remember?Whichmeansyouwon’tgettoavoidtheRiverconversation.”Herbestfriendsatatthetableandpattedtheseatnexttoher.
“Oh.Right.”Jesssat,butimmediatelycrumpled,restingherheadonherarms.“I’mtootired,Fizz.”
“Tellmewhat’sgoingon.Youlook…”Sheleanedin,liftingJess’shairtopeekatherface.“ThislookslikemorethanjustworryaboutJo.”
Straightening,Jessquietlyunloadeditall,parcelbyparcel.SheadmittedshewasstartingtofeelforRiver—feelingstoobigtoponderwhenitseemedlikeeverythingelseinherlifewaspoundingatthedoortobedealtwith.Sheadmittedshedidn’tknowwhetherRiver’sintentionswerecompletelytrustworthy,eventhoughhesworetheywere.ShetoldFizzyaboutthecocktailparty,abouthonest-to-Godoneofthemostintensemake-outstheparkinglotofScrippsMercyhadeverseen.ShetoldFizzyabouthowshecouldn’tstopthinkingabouthim.ShetoldFizzyeverydetailshecouldthinktotell,likeshewaspurginghersins.
“Hesaidthat?”Fizzywhispered,waryofthesmallbutexcellentearsintheotherroom.“Heactuallysaidthewords‘Iwantyouinmybed’?Justlikethat?”
Jessnodded.
“Witheyecontact?”
“Steady,ardent,I’m-going-to-fuck-you-until-you-find-religioneyecontact,”Jessconfirmed.
Fizzygroaned,reachingforherpurse,pullinghernotebookout,andwritingitdown.
Jessbentoverherarmsagain,exhalinganenormoussigh.“Ijustneedsometimetofigurethisallout.It’shappeningsofast.”
Fizzydroppedherpen,scoffingatthis.“Comeon.No,youdon’t.”
Surprised,Jesslookedupather.“WhatdoyoumeanIdon’t?”
“You’veknownhimforweeksnow.You’retellingmehetoldyouhewantedtotakeyoutodinnerandhearyoubenerdy.Hewantstobethereforyouwithoutyoufeelingguilty.Headmittedhewantsyouinhisbed—thispoorboyissprung,Jess,andyou’regoingto—what?Shoveitaside?”
Jessstaredather,uncomprehending.
“You’relookingforawayoutoffeelinganything,”Fizzysaid,“butyou’reclearlybonkersforthisguy.”
“I’mnotsure‘bonkers’—”
“You’rescared,andit’scliché.”
Sheexhaledashockedlaugh.“Wow,giveittomestraight,Felicity.”
“YouthinkhavingfeelingsforRiverisselfish.”
“Imean,thissituationdoesactuallytakemeawayfrombothworkandJuno,”shesaid.“I’vebarelyseenherthepasttwodays.”
“So?”Fizzychallenged.
“What…?I—”Jessgrewflustered.“She’smykid.Iwanttoseeher.”
“Ofcourseyoudo,”Fizzysaid,“butshe’sJo’sandPops’sandmine,too.SheandIhadablasttonight,andIwishIcouldseehermore.Butyouactlikeaskingforhelpisselfish,youseewantingsomethingjustforyourselfasselfish,youseetakinganytimeawayfromyourkidasselfish,andifyou’reselfish,thenyoumustbeturningintoyourmother.”
Hearingitaloudwaslikebeingpunched.
“Butyou’renotyourmom,Jess.”Fizzytookherhand,liftingittohermouthtokissit.“Thereisn’tevenadropofJamieDavisinyou.”
Jess’svoicebroke.“Iknow.”
“AndifyoucoulddoanythingtonightwhenJunogoestobed,whatwoulditbe?”
SheexpectedthewordSleeptodropoutofhermouth.Butinstead:“I’dgotohisplace.”
Fizzy’sdarkeyesflashedwithsmugvictory.“Thengo.I’llstayherewiththekidaslongasyouneedmeto.”
“Fizz,youdon’thavetodothat.”
“IknowIdon’t.”ShekissedJess’shandagain.“That’sthewholepoint.Youdothingsformebecauseyouloveme.IdothingsforyoubecauseIloveyou.Duh.”
Jessscroungedaroundforthelastremainingexcuse.Luckily,itwasagoodone:“Idon’tknowwherehelives.”
“Well,youcouldtexthim.Or…”Fizzyreachedacrossthetableforapieceofpaperandhandedittoher.Onit,insmall,crampedhandwriting,wasthenameRiverNicolasPe?aandanaddressinNorthPark.
“Wait,”Jesssaid,laughingincredulously,“howdidthisenduponmytable?”
“IaskedthesamethingwhenIfounditinJuno’sbackpack,”Fizzysaidwithmockbewilderment.“AndJunoexplainedthatshewantedtomailhimsomedrawingsofPigeon.Howkindofhimtogivethistoher.”
RIVEROPENEDTHEdoorandhismouthwentslack.
“Jess.”Hereachedforhershoulder,concerned.“Whatareyou—?Areyouokay?”
Allatonce,shehadnoideawhattosay.HewasstandinginfrontofherinloungepantsthathunglowonhishipsandathreadbareStanfordT-shirt.Hewasbarefootandfreshlyshowered.Hishairwaswetandfinger-brushedbackoffhisface;hislipsweresmoothandperfect.Unraveledandbare,Jessknewinherbonesthathewasherninety-eight
“Iwantedtoseeyou.”
Realizationalteredhisexpression,andhiseyesdartedbehindherandthenquicklyback.Helickedhislips.“IsJu—”
“Fizzy.”
Hestared,breathscomingoutinshorterandshortergusts.Maybethreesecondslater,Jessdidn’tknowwhowasmovingfirst,whetherhepulledherinsideorshesteppedinoutofthecool,humidnight,butshewasinhisentrywayonlyamomentbeforethedoorslammedandshewaspushedbackagainstit.Riverbracedhishandsbesideherhead,staringwithwilddisbelief.Andthenhebent,pressingagroaningkisstohermouth.
Thefeelofit,theperfectpressureandangle,transformedherlongingintoastaggeringhunger.Jess’shandsshookastheymadefistsinthesoftfabricofhisshirt,andwhenhetastedher—lipsparted,tongueteasing—shewashitwithadesiresointenseitfeltliketakingabreathtoobigtohold.Shehadtopullaway,gaspingforair.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere,”hegrowled,scrapinghisteethdownherjaw,sucking,bitingatherneck.“Didyoucomehereforthis?”
Jessnodded,andgreedyhandsbunchedhersweaterastheymoveduphertorso,seekingskin.Thelossofcontactwhilehepulledawaytoyankitupandoverherheadwastorture,andJessjerkedhimback,wedgingherhandsbetweenthemtogethisT-shirtoffasquicklyasherfranticfingerswouldlether.Beneathhertouchhewashardandsmooth,candyforherfeverishhands.
Jesslaughedanapologyintohismouthasshemanagedtogethiselbowbrieflytangledinoneofhissleeves.“It’sokay,”hebreathed,tossingtheshirtaway.Hiseyesmethersforanelectricbeatbeforehishairfellforwardandhebenttokissher.
Whilehismouthmoveddownherjawandneck,overhershoulderandalongthesensitiveinsideofherwrist,shewatchedherfingersmemorizeeachperfectinchofhistorso.River’sshoulderswerebroadbutnotmassive,definedbutnotbulky.Hischest,too,andlower,wherehisstomachclenchedunderhertouch.Jesswantedtodigin,bite,consume.Andwhenhernailsscratcheduphisback,overthecurvesofhisshoulders,tracinghisperfectcollarbones,hisbreathcaughtinhisthroat.
Withhisgazeonherface,Riverreachedback,releasingtheclaspofherbra.Hishandswereroughandwarm,andJesswantedtocatcheverytinyshiftinhisexpression,everyreactiontothefeelofher.Thewayhelookedather—thesweetdevastationpinchinghisbrow—madeJessfeellikeshe’dbeenpluggeddirectlyintothesun.Urginghimback,shefelltoherknees,druggedandnearlydeliriouswithneed.
Heletoutawhispered“Oh,God”assheworkedhispantsandboxersdown;RiverturnedherintoMedusawithhisfingersinherhair,andwithavoicethathadgrownhoarse,hequietlybeggedformorethantheheatofherbreath.Shelookedup,andwhentheireyesmet,hungerspearedpainfullythroughher.Jesshadn’teverfeltthisdesiredorthispowerful.Havingnevercravedanythinginexcesslikethisbefore,shewantedtopullhimintoeverybitofherbodyatonce,wantedtobreakoffpiecestoobigtoconsume.
River’svoicewentfromwhisperedpleasintobroken,growlingwarnings,andwithacry,hepulledhishipsaway,wrappingahandaroundherarmandguidinghertoherfeet.Jerkingherclose,hetuckedherheadbeneathhischinwhilehecaughthisbreath.Withthepauseinthefrenzy,Jessgrewawareofhowfastherownbreathswerecoming,howitfeltliketheirheartswerehammeringonoppositesidesofthesamedoor.
Iwanttonevergetusedtothis,shethought,holdinghim.Iftonightisaboutbeingselfish,thenhere’smyselfishwish:Ihopewenevergetusedtothis.
Hepulledaway,sendinghishandsoverherbody—hungrilytouchingchest,andribs,andthecurvedsmallofherback—andJessclosedhereyes,tiltingherheadashismouthslidupherthroat.Teasing,hisfingerstoyedwiththebuttononherjeans.
“CanItaketheseoff?”
Athernod,Riverworkedthebuttonloose,smilingandkickinghisownclothingfreeashepeeledhersdownherlegs.Leaningaway,hegrabbedandthrewsomethingtothefloor,andwhenhecarefullyloweredherdown,Jessrealizedhe’dpulledaplushblanketfromthecouch.
Herbackmettheblanket,andhishipsslidbetweenherthighs.Shegotonegentlekissbeforetheheatofhismouthmoveddownherneck,suckingandkissingatherbreasts,fingersdiggingintohipsandnavelandthengentlyfeeling,stroking,beforehiskisswasthere,too.Thereliefofitwaslikebeinguncappedandpouredacrosshisfloor,andherfingersmadefistsinhishairasJessclosedhereyesagainsttheoverloadofsensation.
Shefeltblindlyforthepurseshemusthavedroppedassoonasherbackhitthedoor,andfumbledthroughthefogoflust,pullingthesquareoffoilfree.
Riverheardthetear,liftinghisheadanddragginghismouthupherbody.Hetastedlikeher,butsoundedlikeamanonthevergeofbreakingwhenshegrippedhim,rollingonthecondom.
Buthewentstilloverher,andshepaused,too,movingherhandstorestthemonhiships.“Toofast?”
Heshookhisheadandsmileddownather.“Justmakingsure.”
Jessreacheduptopushthehairoutofhiseyesandnodded,unabletogetthewordsout.
“Sayit,”hesaid,bendingtokissher.“I’msure.Areyou?”
Shecouldn’tspreadherhandsoutwideenough;evenwithhisbodyalignedallalonghers,sheneededtogetcloser.“Iwantto,”shesaid.“Please.”
Riverdroppedhisforeheadtohertemple,lettingherbetheonetotakehimin.Theybothwentstillforabreathlesspause,andinthattimeJessexistedonlyontherazor-sharpedgeofblissanddiscomfort.Carefully,holdingstill,hekissedher—sosweetandsearching—andshecouldfinallyexhale.
“Youokay?”Riverkissedhermouthagain,andJessfelthimpullbackandtakeinherexpression.“Wecanstop.”
Washeserious?Theyabsolutelycouldnot.Herdrama-queenbodywascertainthey’ddieiftheytried.
“No.Don’tgo.”
“Okay.”Hislipsdraggedacrossherjawandshecouldfeelhissmile.“Iwon’t.”
Hekissedheragain,pullingawaywithagentlebite.Whenhewhisperedthroughalaugh,“I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhyI’mshaking,”andshefeltthetruthofitunderherhands,shecouldexhalesomemorebecauseitmadeherthinkmaybeshewasn’taloneinthisfeeling—sodesperateforhimthatshemightcry.
Rivermovedoverher—slow,thenbuildingintempo,pressingintoheragainandagain,releasingaquietgruntwitheveryforwardpitchand—
—andsuddenlyshefelttheweightrollingdownherspinelikeasteelboulderinatrapreadytospring.
Jessgotonlyonewordout—“I’m”—beforeithitherlikeanexplosion,theinside-outsplittingofheatandreliefspreadingthroughherentirebody.ShewasstilltootangleduptoappreciateRiver’sabandon,butitimprintedinthebackofhermindhowhegroanedhernameagainstherneck,goingtightlystilloverher.
Afterapausefilledonlywiththesoundsoftheirshort,stutteringbreaths,Riverpusheduponhisarmsandstareddownather.Hishairwasamessofdarkcurlsfallingintohiseyes,butJesshadtheweirdsenseoflookingintoamirroranyway;hisgazewasbrimmingwiththesameshockandamazementshefeltvibratinginherblood.Ithitherinasharp,startlingtruth:herwholelifeshehadbeenputtogetherwronginonetiny,invisible,andcriticalway.Andhavingthatpiecealteredjustenoughforittoslideintoplacesuddenlychangedeverything.
“Canyoustay?”heasked,catchinghisbreath.“Stayheretonight?”
HerheartpinchedpainfullyandJessranahanddownhissweatychest,overhisstomach.“Idon’tthinkso.”
Nodding,hepulledbackwithawince,andsheimmediatelyachedforhim.Riversatbackonhisheelsandranawarmpalmalongherleg,fromhiptoknee.
Shemarveledatthismanwho,amonthago,she’dknownonlyas“Americano,”assurlyandquietandselfish.Thisshy,brilliantmankneelinginfrontofherwhoshowedupwithouthavingtobeasked,whoputtheballinhercourt,whoaskedherifshewassureandtoldhertheycouldstop.Shefelthercontrolslippingoutofhergrip,andthetwosyllablesofhisnametattooedapermanentechoinsideher.
River’sshouldersroseandfellwithhisstill-laboredbreathing,andheclosedhiseyes,slidinghishandsupoverherhipsagain,acrosshernavel.“Idon’thavetosayit,doI?”
“Maybenot,”Jesssaid,gazingupathim.“Istillwantyouto.”
Somehowshe’dknownexactlywhathewouldlooklikewithoutastitchofclothingon,butshetookaleisurelyvisualperusalanyway.
“Thatwasunreal,wasn’tit?”hefinallysaid.“Idon’tfeellikethesamepersonIwasanhourago.”
“Iwasjustthinkingtheexactsamething.”
Helaughedquietly.“Ican’tbelievewediditonthefloor.InallthetimesIimaginedit,Ididnotimaginethefloor.”
“Iprobablywouldn’thaveletyougetmuchfartherthantheentryway.”
“Ilikeawomanonamission.”
Withhungry,curiouseyes,Jesswatchedhimstandandstrideunselfconsciouslynakedacrossthefoyertohissleek,austerekitchen.Shehadn’teventakenamomenttolookaroundhisplace,butitwasexactlywhatsheexpected:openfloorplan,cleanlines,simplefurniture,understatedwalldecor.Therewere,forexample,nocrayondrawingsofhippostapedtohisrefrigeratororunpairedsocksstrewnonthefloor.
Hereturnedamomentlater,comingoverherlikeashadowed,predatoryanimal.“I’mgoingtothinkaboutthisconstantlynow.”
Jesslaughed,admitting,“Ialreadydo.”
“Likewhen?”hewhispered.
Sherolledhereyesaway,thinking.“Um.ShelterIsland—”
“Same.”
Hereyesmethisagain.“Andthekissattheparty—”
“Ofcourse.”
“Theparkinglotatthehospital.”
“Ialmostaskedtofollowyouhome.”
Shereachedup,slidingherthumboverhisbottomlip.“I’mgladyoudidn’t.Iwouldhavesaidyes,butIwasn’treadyyesterday.”
Heopenedhismouth,gentlybitingthetipofherfinger.“Iknow.Ihopeyouweretonight.”
Shenodded,mesmerizedbythesightofhisteetharoundherfinger.“Iwas.Itliveduptothementalhype.Itexceededthementalhype.”
“IwantedyoubeforeShelterIsland,”hesaidquietly.
Jesspulledbackalittle,surprised.“When?”
“Thenightwefoundoutaboutthematch,whenwewereoutside.Iwonderedwhatitwouldfeelliketokissyou.”Hebent,givingheratinypeck.“Andatdinner,withDaveandBrandon.”Hekissedheragain.“InthelabwhenItookyourblood.Ourfirstdate.PrettymucheverytimeIthoughtaboutyou.”
“Doyouthinkit’sbecausethenumbertoldyoutowantme?”
Heshookhishead.“Ibelieveinthealgorithm,butnotthatmuch.Ifoughtit.Justlikeyoudid.”
Jessstaredupathim,runningherpalmuphischest.Afaintechoofdiscomfortregisteredinherback,andhemusthavefeltherwincebecausehepushedup,reachingforandhelpingherstand
Riverbent,pullingonhisboxersbeforedrapingthethrowblanketaroundhershoulders.Takingherhand,heledthemtothecouch,gesturingforhertositfirst,butJesssteppedforward,gentlypushinghimuntilhesat,andthenplacedakneeoneithersideofhiships,straddlinghim.Bringingtheblanketaroundhershoulders,shesealedthemintogetherbelowtheirnecks.
Beneaththeblanket,Riverranhishandsupherbarethighsandletoutalong,slowbreath.“You’regoingtokillme.”
Suddenlyitallfeltverysurreal.“Ihonestlycan’tbelievethatI’mhereandwejusthadsexonyourfloor.”
Riverwentinforakissandlaughedagainsthermouth.“DoesJunoknowyou’rehere?”
“No.”
Heliftedabrow.“Doessheknowwe’re…?”
“She’saskedmeacoupletimesifyouweremyboyfriend,but…”Jessshookherhead.“I’mnotreallytalkingaboutitwithheryet.”
HegavealittleThat’sfairfrownandpushedtheblanketoffhershoulders,drawinglazyspiralsoverhercollarbones.“ButIassumeFizzyknows.”
“Shepracticallyshovedmeoutthedoorwithyouraddressinmyhand.”
Helookedupatherface,realizationdawning.“Shit.Iforgottotellyouaboutthecatdrawingsandgivinghermyaddress.Ididn’tmeantooverstep,butthatkidispersuasive.”
Withalaugh,Jesswavedthisoff.“Trustme,Iknowhowsheoperates.It’swhywejokethatshe’shalfFizzy’s.”
“Still.I’msorryIdidn’tmentionit.”
“Areyoukidding?”Shekissedhimagain.“I’msorrybecausenodoubtshemadeyoufeelincrediblyguilty,questioningeverythingaboutyourself,beforeyoufinallyrelented.”
Helaughed,tiltinghisheadbackandgivingheradelightfulviewofhisthroat.“IguessIshouldn’tbesurprisedyouknowexactlyhowitwentdown.”
“Shedefinitelydoesnotgettheevil-geniuspersuasivenessfromme.”
River’ssmilestuttered;Alecwastherewiththemnow.Riverreacheduptotwistalongstrandofherhairaroundhisfinger.
Jessclearedherthroat.“Orherfather,forthatmatter.LikeIsaid:she’shalfFizzy’s.”
“Herfather’snotinthepictureatall?”Riveraskedquietly.
“Alec,andno.”
“Sohewon’tever—”
“Trytosharecustody?”Jessanticipatedtheendtothequestion,shakingherhead.“No.HesignedawayhisrightsbeforeJunowasborn.”
Riverblewoutasurprisedbreath.“Whatadick.”
Shelovedthatthiswashisreaction,butshedidn’tneedit.“I’mgladhedid.”
Hesmiledupather,unsure,andshegotatinyglimpseofRiverfrombefore,thecautious,shymanwhohadn’tyetpulledherproverbialpinandmadehercomeundone.
“What?”sheasked,reachingupanddrawingalineoverthecreaseinhisforehead.
“HasJunoevermetoneofyourboyfriends?”
Jesslaughedandheshiftedherforward,closer.Shedeflected.“Isthatwhatthisis?Boyfriend?”
“AssoonasIsaidthatword,itseemedbothapresumptionandanunderrepresentation.”
“Becauseninety-eight,”shesaid,grinning.
Heleanedin,kissingherneck.“Becauseninety-eight.”
“Themoreaccuratequestion,”shesaidashekissedhiswayaroundthecurveofherjaw,“iswhetherI’vehadaboyfriendsinceJuno.”
Riverstilled,andthenpulledback,lookingather.“Isn’tsheseven?”
“Sheis.I’veseenafewpeoplehereandthere,butnooneIwouldconsideraboyfriend.”
Hedrewanothergentlyloopingshapeacrosshercollarbone,humming.“Wow.”
“Isthatweird?”Jessasked.
“Idon’tknow.I’mnotsurehowIwouldhandleit,either,ifIhadakid.”
“Doyoudatealot?”
Hebroughtbothhandsbelowtheblanketagainandlaidthemonherhips.Itmadeithardtofocusonhiswordsevenwhenhesaid,“Notalot.Some.Acoupletimesamonth,maybe?Iworkahundredhoursaweek.”
“Notthisweek.”
Rivergrinned.“No,notthisweek.ThisweekI’vebeenunabletostopcheckinginonmyDiamondMatch.”
Shekissedhimagain,deeper.“I’mgladyou’repersistent.”
“Oneofushastobe.”NINETEEN
OKAY,ONEONeachhand.”ShewaiteduntilJunotuggedthelobsterclawovenmittsallthewayon.“It’llbehot,sobecareful.”
Junoopenedtheovendoorandtheybothwincedfromthehotwashofairasitpassedovertheirfaces.Jesshelpedhercarefullypullthecookiesheetfromthetoprackandsetitonthestovetocool.Theentireapartmentsmelledlikecinnamonandwarmoatmeal,Nana’sfavorite.
Junogrowledlikeahungrylittlecreatureandinhaleddeeplyoverthepan.“Nanaisgonnabesohappy.Whatdaydoesshecomehome?”
Usingaspatula,theymovedeachcookietothecoolingrack.“Threedays,”Jesssaid.“Normallypeopleonlystayafewdays,butshe’soldersotheywanttomakesureshe’supandmovingokaybeforetheylethergo.”
Junopursedherlipsinconcentration.“So,Sunday?”
“That’sright.”
“MaybeTrySomethingNewSundaycanbebringingNanahomefromthehospital.We’veneverdonethatbefore.”
“Excellentplan.”
“Wecouldjusthavecuddlesandmoviedayhere.Nanawillprobablybetired.”
“Ibetyou’reright.Ithinkshe’dlovethat.”
“So,wecantakehercookiestonight;FridayismysleepoveratNaomi’shouse.”Shegaspedasifjustrememberingsomething.“DidItellyoushegotadog?He’spartpoodlesohe’sverysweetanddoesn’tshed.”Shebattedhereyelashesupathermom.“Adogwouldn’teatourcat.”
“Child,weareburstingattheseams.Maybewhenwehaveayardwhereadogcanrun.”Gentlyredirecting,shecontinued,“SoFridayisthesleepover…”
Junohuffedoutalittlesound,butrelented.“Yeah,thenSaturdaymaybeIcanstayatNaomi’sforalittlewhile?AndNanawillbebackSunday.”AtwingeofuneaseworkedupJess’sspineatthementionofNaomi’sname.Whenshe’dasked,Junosaidthatthey’dhadafight,butitseemedtohavebeenforgotten.Sheknewkidsneededtolearnhowtoresolveconflictontheirown,butthemamabearinherneverhibernatedtoodeepbelowthesurface.
“Yousureyouwanttodoasleepover?”Jessasked.“Wecouldgotothemoviestogether.Maybethezoo?”
“No,it’sNaomi’sbirthday,andIalreadygotherapresent.They’redoingahulanight.”
“Yougotherapresent?”
“Iusedmygoodcitizenticketsandgothertwoslapbraceletsandsomeglitterstickers.”
Offeringahighfive,Jesstoldher,“Ihavesomegiftbagsinthecloset;maybewecanuseoneofthemandputagiftcertificateinthere,too?”
Withtheplaninplace,theyslidtherestofthecookiedoughtowardthemtoloadupanothersheetjustasthedoorbellrang.“Let’sgetthesefinishedsowecangobeforevisitinghoursend,”Jesssaid.“Usethespoontoscooptherestonthepan,andI’llberightback.Don’ttouchtheoven.”
Outinthelivingroom,herhearttrippedoveritselfwhenshepeekedoutthewindowandsawRiverstandingontheotherside.
Jessglanceddown,groaning.Woulditkillhertowearsomethingotherthansweats?
Helookedupatthesoundofthedoorswingingopenandherbreathwentthin.Hissmilewassomehowbothshyandnaughty;themuscularcurvesofhisshouldersandchestwerevisiblebeneaththefabricofhisshirt,andJesswantedtoripitopenlikeabagofchips.
“Hey.”Shetriedtokeepittogether.
Hisvoicewasalow,secretiveburr:“Ihopeit’sokaythatIstoppedby.”
“It’sfine.”Jessswallowed.“Doyou—um,doyouwanttocomein?”
Hesteppedinside,hesitatingforonlyasecondbeforebendingandcarefullyputtinghismouthonhers.Heateruptedinherveins,andeventhoughitwasonlyatouchandhepulledawaybeforetheywerebusted,Jessknewshelookedlikeshewasabouttocatchfireanyway
“Hi,”hesaidquietly.
“Hi.”
“Yougood?”
Shenodded.“Definitelygoodnow.”
Beaming,helookedpasther,andshefoundherselffollowingeverypointofhisattention,tryingtoseetheapartmentthroughhiseyes.Itwasn’ttiny,butitwasn’tbig,either.She’dsplurgedontheyellowcouchandbrightbluechairs,butrepaintingthekitchencabinetswasn’tthesameasgettingnewones,andinsteadofartcoveringthewalls,shehadframedphotosandelementaryschoolartprojects.
“Yourplaceisgreat,”hesaid,turninginacircle.“It’ssocozy.”
Jessclosedthedoorwithalaugh.“Cozymeanssmall.Ithinkthiswholeplacecouldfitinyourlivingroom.”
“Yeah,butmyhousefeelslikeashowroomyouwalkthroughtopickoutcabinetfixtures.”HesmiledupataphotoofJessandJunoatthebeach.“It’snotahome.”
“Who’shere?”Junoshoutedfromthekitchen,followedbythesoundofthestepstoolscrapingoverthetilesandherfeetpaddingacrossthefloor.“RiverNicolas,areyouheretomakecookieswithus?”
“Areyoukidding,JunoMerriam?”Theyexecutedsomecomplicatedknuckle-bump,hand-slap,dancegreeting.“Iamalwaysheretomakecookies.”
“Wow,whatwasthat?”Jessasked.
Theybothignoredher—obviouslyitwasasecrethandshake—andJunobeamedupathim.“We’remakingthemtotaketoNanaJo.Doyouwanttoseemyroom?”
Rivergrinned.“Iwouldlovetoseeyourroom.ButdoyouthinkIcouldtalktoyourmomforasecondfirst?”
“Okay!I’mgonnagogetitready.Also,Momsaidwecangetadog!”Sheracedoutofthelivingroomanddownthehall.“I’llbewaiting!”
“Isaidwhenwehaveayard,”Jessshoutedafterher.SheturnedbacktoRiver,whowasbitingbackasmile.“Awarning,herroomisadisaster,”Jesstoldhimconfidentially,“sothatbuysusafewminutesatleast.”
Whenshelookedbackathim,hewasalreadystaringather,eyesfixedonhermouth.Tensiontightenedhisshoulders,andheranahandthroughhishair.“Maybewecantalkoutside?”
“Sure.”Uneasesentacoolfilmoverhermood.“Juno,”shecalled,“we’llbeinthecourtyard.Giveustenminutes.”
Justoutsidetheapartment,hiddenfromview,RiverreachedforJess’sarmandpulledhertowardhim.Hismouthcameoverhers,andhepressedheragainstthedoor,kissingherwithahungerthatmatchedherown.Butagainhepulledaway,clearlyconsciousoftherisk.Hisbrighteyes,whenhelookeddownather,simmeredwiththatfamiliar,heatedintensity.
Andthentheyfellclosedandhebent,releasingalong,frustratedgrowlagainstherneck.
Jesslaughedoutasympathetic“Yeah,me,too.”
Shepushedherfingersintothebackofhishair,relishingthequietmoment.Hisarmscamearoundherwaist,bandingallaroundheruntilhewaspressedsocloseitwaslikehavinganotherheartbeat.Theycouldn’tstaythiswayforlong,butJessclosedhereyesandbreathedhimin.Theweirdhollowacheinherchestsettled.
Shewasrelievedhewassoclearlyaswrappedupinitasshewas.Shewasanxioustogetherhandsbackonhisskin,tofeelthatconnectionreverberatingalongherbones.Shefeltguiltythatshecouldn’tjustinvitehimtostayover,butalsoworriedhowtheywouldkeeptherelationshipfromJuno,orwhetherthatwaseventherightthingtodo
Butthensheremembered.
Riverstraightenedathergasp,alarmed.“What?”
“GuesswhosekidhasasleepoveratNaomi’stomorrow?”
“Iftheanswerisn’tyou,”hesaid,frowning,“thenI’mgoingtoadmitthatIdon’tlikethisgameverymuch.”
Jesslaughed.“You’reright!It’sme!”
“DoesthatmeanthatJuno’smomalsogetsasleepover?”
“Shesuredoes.”
Heleanedinagain,kissingherjaw,hercheek,her—
River’sphonevibratedagainstherhip.
“Savethevibrationsfortomorrow,”Jessjoke-whisperedashepulleditout.
Heswallowedalaugh,answeringwithaneasy“Hey,Brandon.”Riverpaused,listeningandshakinghisheadatherinmockexasperationasshegavehimadorky,Brandon-toothysmile.Butthenhisexpressionsmoothedinshock.“What?Hangon,wait,wait,we’rebothhere.”Riverputitonspeakerandhelditbetweenthem.
“Oh,good!”Brandonsaid.“Howareyou,Jess?”
Sheleanedforward.“I’mgood.Howareyou?”
“I’mfantastic.AndasIwasjusttellingRiver,youtwoareabouttobefantastic,too,becausetheTodayshowwantsyou.”
HergazeboltedtoRiver’s,andshemouthed,What?
Heshrugged,eyeswide.
“TheyalreadyfilmedfootageforasegmentonGeneticAlly,”Brandoncontinued,“butafterhearingaboutourDiamondMatchtheychangedthingsupandwantyouinNewYorkCitytomorrowforaninterview.Canwemakeithappen?”
“Tomorrow?”Hermindraced.They’dhavetotakeared-eyeandgostraighttothestudio.Sheshouldsayyes,becausethiswasliterallywhattheywerepayingherfor,butNanawouldcomehomefromthehospitalonSunday,thenstartattherehabilitationcliniconMonday.SomeoneneededtotakecareofPops.AndJunowouldneverforgivehermotherifshehadtomissasleepoverbecauseofschedulecomplications.“Um—”
Riversmoothlycutin.“That’snotgoingtowork,”hesaid.“Iftheywantitinthenextcoupledays,let’sseeiftheycanshootourportionoftheinterviewlocally.”
Sheopenedhermouthtotellhimitwasn’tnecessary,theycouldfiguresomethingout,itwastheTodayshow,forcryingoutloud—buthefirmlyshookhishead.
“It’sbetterforustodoitthere,”Brandoninsisted.
“No,Igetthat,”Riversaidwithfinality,playfullycuppingahandoverJess’smouthtokeepherfromcommittingtosomethingsheshouldn’toutofguilt,“butJess’sgrandmotherjusthadsurgery,andsheneedstobehere.You’reinmarketing,Brandon.Sellthemonthis.”Shestaredathimfrombehindhishand,wantingtokisshimuntiltheybothhadtocomeupforair.Howdidheknowexactlywhatsheneeded?
TherewasapausebeforeBrandonspokeagain.“Yougotit.We’llfigureitoutandgetbacktoyou.”
“Thanks,”Riversaid.“Letusknow.”Heendedthecall.
Thesilencestretchedbetweenthem.“Well,hello,Mr.DecisiveExecutive.”
Hetiltedhishead,givingheraflirtyeyebrow.“Youlikedthat?”
“ItwassovintageAmericano.”Jessstretched,kissinghim.
“Well,”hesaid,kissingheronemoretimebeforestraightening,“IadmitthatI’dliketostickaroundtownforaselfishreason,too.”
“Sleepoversandvibrations,amIright?”
“Yeah.”Hefrowned.“But…alsobecauseofmysisters.”
“Oh?”
“They’reintownfromSanFrancisco.”Hewinced.“ImayhavementionedthatyouandIwouldlovetojointhemfordinnertomorrownight.Youcanalwayssayno.”
Elated,Jesslookedupathim.“Embarrassingstories?”
“Theyhavethemall.”
“Dirtonyourpre-hotdays?”
Helaughed.“Youhavenoidea.I’msurethey’llbringphotosofthetimetheygavemeahaircutbeforeaschooldance.Itdidnotlookawesome.Itwasalsoduringthephasewheremyorthodontist’swordwaslaw,andIworemyheadgeararoundtheclock.I’mabsolutelycertainI’mgoingtoregretthis.”
TODAYSHOWTRANSCRIPT
NatalieMorales[voiceover]:Whatifsomeonetoldyouthatdatingwasathingofthepast?Thatfindingyoursoulmatewasjustasimplemouthswabaway?Itmightsoundtoogoodtobetrue,butinSanDiego,California,aburgeoningbiotechcompanyclaimsitcandojustthat.
Throughaseriesofpersonalitytests,brainscans,andyes,DNAanalysis,GeneticAllycanidentifyyourbiologicalsoulmate.
UsingapatentedalgorithmcalledDNADuo,yourDNAwillbecomparedtohundredsofthousandsofotherindividualsinGeneticAlly’sdatabase.Theirproprietarysoftwarethenplacesyourcompatibilityscores,fromzerotoonehundred,inarangeofcategories:BaseMatch.Silver.Gold.Platinum.Titanium.ThreeoutoffourTitaniumMatchesendupincommittedrelationships.So,whataboutthecoupleswhoscoreoverthatcovetedninety?OnlyfourDiamondMatcheshavebeenfoundtodate,andinastartlingtwist,oneofthemisamemberoftheGeneticAllyteam.Specifically,theDNADuoinventorandleadscientist,Dr.RiverPe?a.Pe?a,athirty-five-year-oldgeneticist,startedhisresearchinthelabsoftheSalkInstitute.
RiverPe?a:IwantedtoseeifIcouldfindacommongeneticfactorincoupleswhodescribedthemselvesasbeinginloving,long-termrelationshipsforovertwodecades
Natalie:Howmanycouplesdidyoustudyinthatfirsttest?
River:Threehundred.
Natalie:Andwhatdidyoufind?
River:Inallofthecoupleswhoreportedlong-termrelationshipsatisfaction,Ifoundacompatibilitypatternacrosstwohundredgenes.
Natalievoiceover:ButDr.Pe?aandhisteamdidn’tstopthere.Astudyofonethousandtestsubjectsgrewtooveronehundredthousand,andtheinitialpatternoftwohundredgenesisnowapatentedassayofoverthirty-fivehundred.
Natalie:So,humanshavetwentythousandgenes.
River:Betweentwentyandtwenty-fivethousand,yes.
Natalie:Andyourcompanyhasnowfoundcorrelationsbetweenthirty-fivehundredofthosethatleadtocompatibility?Thatseemslikealot.
River:Itis.Butthinkaboutit:Everythingwebecomeisencodedbyourgenes.Thewaywereacttostimulus,thewaywelearnandgrow.Thirty-fivehundredislikelyjustthestart.
Natalievoiceover:GeneticAllyhasplanstogopublicinMayandhopestohavetheirDNADuokitsinretailandonlinestoresbysummer.WithonlinedatingrevenuethisyeartoppingninehundredmilliondollarsintheU.S.alone,investorsareliningup.
River:Compatibilityisn’tlimitedtojustromanticrelationships.Imaginefindingthecaretakerwho’smostcompatiblewithyourchildren,oradoctorforyourparents,therightmanagementteamtoleadyourbusiness.
Natalievoiceover:Thesky’sthelimit.ButbacktothatDiamondDNADuoscore.InJanuary,JessicaDavis,athirty-year-oldstatistician,tooktheDNADuotestkitonawhim.
Jessica:I’dcompletelyforgottenaboutituntilIgotthemessagefromGeneticAllyaskingmetocomein.
Natalievoiceover:JessicawasClient144326.Hermatch?Client000001,Dr.RiverPe?a.
Natalie:Whatwasthehighestmatchyou’dfounduptothatpoint?
River:Ninety-three.
Natalie:AndwhatwasyourandJessica’sscore?
River:Ninety-eight.
Natalievoiceover:Aninety-eight.Thatmeansthatofthethirty-fivehundredgenepairsthatscorecompatibility,ninety-eightpercentofthemwerefoundtobeideallycompatible.
Natalie:River,astheleadscientist,whatwasyourinitialreaction?
River:Disbelief.Wedidabloodtesttoconfirm.
Natalie:And?
River:Ninety-eight.
Natalie:So,biologically,thetwoofyouarecompatibleinalmosteveryway?What’sthatlike?
Jessica:It’s…hardtodescribe.
Natalie:Isthereattraction?
River:[laughs]There’sdefinitelyattraction
Natalievoiceover:Attractionmaybeputtingitmildly.Off-camera,crewmemberscommentedthatitfeltliketherewassomethingpalpablebetweenthepair.
Natalie:So,whatcomesnextforyoutwo?Areyoudating?
Jessica:Let’sjustsay…we’reenjoyinggettingtoknoweachother.
River:[laughs]Whatshesaid.
/Cuttohosts/
SavannahGuthrie:Isithotinhereorisitjustme?
Natalie:Iwasjustgoingtosay!I’msweating.
Savannah:GeneticAllyissettolaunchwidelyinMay.Ihavetoadmit,Ithinkthiscouldchangetheentirefaceofthee-datingindustry.
Natalie:Withoutadoubt.TWENTY
THEDAYHADbeensochaoticthatitdidn’toccurtoJesstobeanxiousaboutdinnerwithRiver’ssistersuntilthetwoofthemwereliterallywalkingintotherestaurant.Butjustoutsidethearchedglassdoors,herfeetbecamegluedtothepavementandshetookafewstepsaway,pressingherselftothesideofthebuilding.
“Oh,shit.”Leaningback,Jessstaredupatthesky,incandescentblueintwilight.Todayhadbeenfine—betterthanfine,itwentperfectly—sowhywasshefreakingout?
Riverkeptwalking,lookingbackonlywhenhenoticedshewasnolongernexttohim.Hereturnedtoher.“Everythingokay?”
“I’mmeetingyourfamily.”
Hesmiledpatientlyandtuckedahandintothepocketofhisperfectlytailoredpants.Perfectpants,perfectshirt,perfectface.Perfectlyateasewaitingforherpanictosubside.
Peoplepassedonthesidewalk,andcarsinchedalongFifth,turningdownGStreet.“I’veneverdonethisbefore,”Jessconfessed.Ahotflushcrawledupherneck.“Like,metsomeone’sfamily.AlecandIweretogetherwhilewewerebothatschool,andhisfamilywasfromFlorida.Inevermetthem.”
River’seyessearchedherface,lashesbrushinghischeekswitheveryamusedblink.Finally,hecrowdedintoherspace,handsonherwaist.“Ipromisethiswillbemuchmorepainfulformethanforyou.”
“It’seasytosaythatnow,whenyourawkwardyearsarebehindyou.”Shepointedtoherforehead.“Don’tyouseemystresspimple?”
“Nope,sorry,Ionlyseepretty.”Heleanedin,settledhismouthonhersforasweetkiss.“Youthreearegoingtohavefunatmyexpense,andthenwe’llgobacktomyplaceandmaybeactuallymakeittomybedthistime.”
“Sir,areyoubribingmewithmind-bendingsex?”
Helaughed,hisgazeglimmeringinthedimlight.Thelongershestared,themorereassuredshewas.Hecommunicatedsomuchwiththoseeyes.Reassurance,sure,butalsoattraction,mirth,andsomethingelse—somethingthatlookedalotlikeadoration.
“Ilikeyoualot,JessicaMarie,”hesaidquietly.
Afistwrappedaroundherheart.“Ilikeyou,too.”
“Andifitmakesyoufeelbetter,”hesaid,“I’veneverintroducedagirlfriendtomyfamily,either.”Riverreacheddown,threadedtheirfingerstogether,andledherinside.
Therestaurantwaswideopenandglaringlyloud,popmusicpumpingoutofspeakersandthesoundsoflaughterandconversationthrobbingfromthewalls.Withhighceilingsandabarinthecenteroftheroom,thedecorwaseclecticandtrendy.Couchesandarmchairsformedafunkymixofseatingconfigurations,andlightsfashionedfromglassglobes,vases,andmasonjarsswungfromtheceilingbythick,bristlyrope.AwaifishhostessledthemacrossplankedwoodenfloorstoatablesituatedbeneathagiantmetalprintemblazonedEAT
TwowomensittingsidebysideglancedupfromtheircocktailsasJessandRiverapproached.Theresemblancewasundeniable.Onehadlongdarkhair,theendscutblunt,bangsrazor-straightandsmoothasglossunderthebrightlights.Theotherwasafewyearsyounger,withcurlyhairthat’dbeenhighlightedwithacopperyred.BothwomensharedRiver’sgolden-browneyes,perfectoliveskin,andheart-shapedmouth.ThePe?afamilygeneswereawonder.
Shoutingovereachother,theystood,wrappingRiverinatightgrouphugbeforepullingbacktofussathimsimultaneously.
“Yourhairissolong!”
“I’mtellingMom,you’resoskinny.Yourpantslookliketrashbags!”
Jessfollowedtheirattentiontohisexpensivecharcoaltrousers,ironedtosmoothperfection.They…didnotlookliketrashbags,butJessappreciatedthesisterlyribbinganyway.Clearlytheentirefamilycouldstepintoandoutofthepagesofafashionmagazinecomfortably.
Rivermanagedtoextracthimself,reachinguptosmoothhisruffledhair.Hehadlipstickoneachcheek—whichbothwomentriedtosmudgeaway.
“Jess,thesearemyobnoxioussisters,NataliaandPilar.Pleasedon’tbelieveanythingtheytellyou.”
Theolderone—Natalia—wrappedJessinatighthug.“Holycrap,youaresopretty.”Sheturnedtohersister.“Isn’tshesopretty?”
“Waytooprettyforhim,”Pilarsaid,pullingJessinforahugofherown
“It’snicetomeetyou.River’stoldmesomuchaboutyou.”
Nataliaglancedwarilyatherbrother.“I’msurehehas.”
Theysatdown,orderedcocktailsforJessandRiverandafewappetizerstoshare.Jesslearnedthattheirmomwasapharmacist,andtheirdadsoldinsurance.NataliawasmarriedandaresearchanalystinPaloAlto;PilarhadrecentlygonebacktoschooltobeanurseandlivedwithhergirlfriendinOakland.Itwascleartheyadoredtheirbrother
“So.”Nataliarestedherchininherhand.“Ihearyoutwodidn’texactlygetalongbeforeallthis.”
JessglancedatRiver,passingthisoneofftohim.Butthenquestionsofherownbubbledtothesurface.Didtheyknowaboutthemoney?Howhonestwasshesupposedtobehere?
RivereyedNataliaacrossthetable.“Mynot-so-subtlesisteristryingtoaskifIwastheasshole.”
Theybothgrinned,andJessperkedup.“Oh,hedefinitelywas.”
“Hey,”hesaid.“Iwasn’tthatbad.”
Jessturnedinherseattofacehim.“Youcalledme‘entirelyaverage.’”
Pilarletoutalowwhistle.“Child,areyoublind?”
“Nottoherface!”hecorrected,andturnedbacktoJess.“Andinmydefense,thefirsttimeyouspoketome,you—”
“Don’tdoit,”Pilarwhispered,laughing.“Trustme.”
“—werewearinganoldbaggysweatshirt.”
Theyallstaredblanklyathim.Riverfinallyexhaled.“Iwastheasshole.”
Pilarliftedherchin.“Jess,canItellyouanimportantfamilysecret?”
“IfIleftherewithoutany,Iwouldbedevastated.”
Shelaughed.“Igetthatmybrotherlookslikethisnow,butthatwasn’talwaystrue.Nitpickingotherpeople’sclothingchoiceswouldhavebeentheleastofhisworries.”
“Hesaidit,”Jesssaid,“butIfindithardtobelieve.”
Pilarbent,scrollingthroughherphone,quicklylocatingwhatshewanted…almostasifshe’dputitthereforeasyaccess.JessstaredwhenPilarturnedthescreentofaceher.“Stopit.”ShelookedatRiverandthenbackatthephoto.“Thatisn’tyou.”
AscrawnykidwithabowlhaircutandheadgearlookedoutfromPilar’sphone.Searchingforanyresemblancetoherboyfriend,shestaredatitlongenoughforRivertolaughinglyshovethephoneaway.
“Untilhewastwenty-one,hehadnogametospeakof,”Pilarsaid.
Riverlaughed.“It’strue.ButImanaged.”
“Yeah,youdid,”Nataliasaid.“Irememberinhighschooltherewasthisfootballplayerwhowasconstantlybotheringhim.Anthonysomething.Rivertutoredhalftheclasstobringupthecurve.Anthonyfailedandwaskickedofftheteam.”
“That’scalledproblemsolving,”Rivermumbledintohisglass.
“HedidthesamethingwhenIranagainstNikkiRuthersforstudentcouncil,”Pilarsaid.“Heofferedgrouptutoringsessionstoeveryonewhovotedforme.Iwonbyalandslide.”
Riverthoughtfullyselectedapieceofprosciutto-wrappedgrilledendivefromaplate.“Longestsummerofmylife.”
“Okay,that’sactuallyreallysweet,”Jesssaid,takinghishandunderthetableandgivingitalittlesqueeze.
“Iknowit’shardtoimaginewithhisgrumblyexterior,buthewasthesoftestlittleboy.”NataliaputherhandonPilar’sarm.“DoyourememberthewayhefollowedAbuelaaround?”
Pilar’sfacecrumpledintoadramatictendersob.“Andwatchedherstorieswithher!”
“Ohman,Ididnotanticipatethisonecomingup,”Riversaid.
“I’mtwoyearsolderthanRiver,”NataliatoldJess,“andPilarisayearolderthanme,sohewaslikeourbaby,too.Ourparentsbothworkedfull-time,andbackthenthere’snowaytheycouldhaveaffordedsummercampforallthreekids,sooursummerswerespentwithAbuela.Riverwasherlittlehelper,andeveryafternoontheywouldsittogetherandwatchsoapoperas.”
Riverexaminedtheappetizersliketheyweredatasets.
“Closetsoapoperafan?”Jesssaid.“Weallhaveasecretidentity,butthis?Itwouldbeeasiertobelieveyouwereanassassin.”
“They’rejustbeingdramatic,”hesaid,andthenlaughedather,murmuring,“Assassin?Really?”
“Don’tlistentohim,Jess,”Nataliasaid.“Hewatchedsomanyofthemandgotindeep.Ithoughthe’dgrowuptobeatelenovelastarorsomething,butthewholeDNA-lovethingmakessensewhenyouthinkaboutit.”
Jessturnedtolookathimandfoundhimwatchingherwithsuchtenderamusementitwasalmostlikehe’djustwrappedhisarmsaroundherrightatthetable.
“TheDNA-lovethingdoesmakesensewhenyouthinkaboutit,”sheagreedquietly.
THEIRHANDSENTWINEDonthedrivetohisplace,bothrestingonhisthigh,andtheAudi’sseatwarmersmadeJessfeellikeshewasmeltingintoapileofhappygoo.
“Thatwasfun,”shemumbled,fulloffantasticfoodandjustpasttipsyfromallthewine.
“NataliatextedmealreadythattheybothadoredyouandifImessthisup,they’llneuterme.”
Jessgrimaced.“Pleasedon’tmessitup.Youhavesuchabig,beautiful—”
Riverturnedandsmirkedather.
“Personality,”shefinished,grinningback.“Andbeingneuteredwouldbekindofadowner.”
“I’mgladyouhavesuchafondnessformypersonality,”hesaid,turninghisattentionforwardagain.
“Asoftspot,onemightevensay,”shejoked.
Helookedatheragain,playfullyscandalized.“Howmuchwinedidyouhave,woman?”
“Theperfectamount.”
They’dstayedattherestauranttoolate,eatinganddrinking,andlaughingharderthanJesshadinyears.She’dbeencomfortablewithhissistersalmostthewayshewaswithFizzy;thewaytheyspokeovereachotheranddidn’ttakethemselvestooseriouslyhadfeltlikesittingdowntodinnerwitholdfriends,ratherthanpeopleshewasmeetingforthefirsttime.Andrightnow,contentmentflowed,warmandhoneyed,throughher.NanaJowasgoingtobeokay;Junowasthriving.Fizzywasfallingforsomeone,andforthefirsttimeinherlifeJesshadmoneyandasenseofsecurity,andapersonofherown.SheturnedandstaredatthesideofRiver’sface.
“Ilikeyou.”
“Ilikeyou,too.”Hesqueezedherhand.“Very,verymuch.”
Wasthiswhatjoyfeltlike?Safety?
Shenoddedtowardhishouseastheyneared.“Arewegonnagetfreaky?”
“Withoutadoubt.”Helaughed,pullingintohisdrivewayandleaningovertokissherafterheputthecarinpark.
Inside,Riverturnedonalampinthespaciouslivingroom,turnedanotherlightoninthekitchen,andexcusedhimselftogetthemeachaglassofwater.JesstextedNaomi’smomtocheckinonherkid,pleasantlysurprisedtohearthatJunowashavingthetimeofherlife.
Settingherphonedown,sheturnedaroundonthecouchtowatchRiverashefutzedinthekitchen.“Idon’tknowwhattodowithmyself,”shesaid.“Nobodyneedsmerightnow.”
Rivercamebackwithtwoglasses,setthemonthesidetable,andthencrawledoverheronthecouch.Hismouthmovedfromherneckuptoherlips.“Ido.”
Andthenhepulledbackandsmiled,likemaybehewasjustteasing,butJesssawthesincerityinhisexpression.Herownfondnessrosetothesurface,thequietthrummingofinfatuation.
Shewasstartingtoneedhim,too.
Herphonewastrappedbeneathherback,andshereachedforit,tossingittothefloor.Trackingitwithhiseyes,Riverasked,“How’sJunodoing?”
“Good.Naomi’smomsaysthey’rewatchingamovieoutbythepool.”
“Thingsaregoodwithherfriends,then?”
Jessliftedashoulder.“Somedaysoneofthemismeanormadortiredanditcreatesalittledramatornadothattakesaweektogetover.I’mlearningit’sbestifthemomsstayoutofit.Kidsargue.Sometimesithitsourownbuttons,andwemakeitintomorethanitneedstobe.”
Hehummedatthis,bracedoverheronhiselbowsandplayingwiththeendsofherhair.Itwasstillcurledfromtheinterviewthatmorning,andheabsentlyloopedastrandaroundhisfinger.“Ibetit’shardtonotgetoverprotectivesometimes.Ifeltthatwaywhenshetalkedaboutitonthedrivetoballet,andI’monlyjustgettingtoknowher.”
Jessstretchedup,kissinghimforthat.Andthensherememberedsomething.“Ican’tgetovertheideaofyoubeingobsessedwithsoapoperas.NowonderyouandFizzygetalong.”
Heburiedhisfaceinherneck.“Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthatinalongtime.Sistersneverforget.”
“Whendidyougofromtelenovelastointensegeneticist?”
“MygrandmotherdiedwhenIwasfourteen,”hesaid,pushinguptositandpullingherlegsoverhislap.“Shemovedinwithusforthelastsevenorsoyearsofherlife,andshewasabsolutelythehappiestaspectofmychildhood.Myparentsdidn’tgetalonggreat,andwithoutherthereasabuffer,thatresentmentbledintoeverything.”
Jessfrowned,reachingforwardtopulloneofhishandsintohers.
“Also,they’renotvery…warmpeoplebynature,soitgotreallyquietwhenAbueladied.Dadwasneverafanofmesittingwithher,watchingtheshows.Hedidn’tgetit—andwhenItriedtowatchthemaftershedied,sortofasawaytostayconnectedtoher,hewasnothavingit.Hewantedmetogetmyheadoutofthecloudsandthinkaboutafuturethatcouldsupportafamily.”
“Mymother,Jamie,isthesame,sortof.”Jesssmiledsardonically.“Butherversionwastoalwaysremindmewhatmenwantandlookfor.Suggestingmytimewasbetterspentfindingawaytobetakencareof,ratherthanlearninghowtodoshitonmyown.”
Itwashisturntofrownsympathetically.“I’dalwaysbeengoodinschool,”hesaid,“soIjust…gotbetter.Sciencecamenaturallytome.”
“HaditoccurredtoyoubeforeNataliasaidittonightthatwhatyou’redoingnowis—inaroundaboutway—sortofconnectedtoallthat?Ibetyourabuelawouldloveit.”
“Itdidn’t,butIthinkit’strue.Thinkabouthowmanylovestorieswe’llbuild.”
Jesstiltedherheadandstaredathim.Shecouldn’tbelieveshegottobenakedwiththisman.
Hedidaself-consciousdoubletake.“What?”
“You’rereallyhot,youknowthat?”Jesssaid.“Andsortofwonderful.IthinkI’mevenmoreintoyounowthanIwasearliertoday.”
Thecornerofhismouthturnedup.“Howisthatpossible?IthoughtIhadyouonlockalready.”
Jessstretchedoutonthecouch,grinningupathimandslowlypeelinghershirtoff.“Didn’tsomeonesaysomethingaboutgettingfreakyinhere?”TWENTY-ONE
JESSANDJUNOwereaboutablockawayfromschoolonemorningwhenJunostoppedandasked,“NowisRiverNicolasyourboyfriend?”
“Whatmadeyouthinkofthatonthewaytoschool?”Jessdeflected.
“Justwonderingifyou’regoingtoseehimthismorning.”
Shecarefullyconsideredthisstatement;herkidwasfishing.“I’llprobablyseehimatTwiggslater.”
“Oh.”Junoslantedhereyesuptoher.“IthoughtIsawhisstuffathome.”
Jess’sneckheated,hermindstartingtorace.Thelastweek,Riverhadcomeovereverymorningforanhourorsoafterschooldrop-offandbeforetheybothstartedworkfortheday—itwastheironlytimetotallyalone—butJess’dhadnoideathathe’dbeenleavingevidencebehind.Sheguessedinthehazeofsexonthefloor,onthebed,intheshower,bentoverthedresser,andonceonthekitchenisland,evenahyperorganizedscientistwaspronetoforgetsomething.
“Huh,”shesaid,stalling.
“Yesterday,”Junosaidcasually,hereyesstraightahead,“heleftsomeshorts.”
“Oh.”Jessscrambledtocomeupwithasuitableexplanation,buttheimageofRiversufferinghiswaythroughaworkdaywithoutunderwearmadehercoughoutatinylaugh.“Heprobablyusedourplacetochangeafter,um,goingforarun?”
Junonoddedatthisandkickedastickintothestreet.“Yeah,probably.”
Theystoppedattheborderofschoolproperty,andJessturnedtofaceherdaughter,needingtoseehereyeswhensheasked,“Howwouldyoufeelaboutitifweweredatingeachother?”
“Iwouldlikeit,”Junosaidabsently,andhereyesveeredtothesideasshestartedscanningtheplaygroundforherfriends.
JessguidedherchinsoJunowaslookingatheragain.“Areyousure?Becauseitmeanssometimeshe’llbewithus,doingthings.”
Herdaughter’seyesglazedover.“Iknow.”
“Butyouarestillthemostimportantthingintheworldtome.”
Juno’sattentionstartedtodrifttothesideagain.“Iknow.”
God,itwasnotthetimeortheplacetobehavingthisconversation.
“Juno,”Jesssaidwithgentleauthority.“Lookatme.”
Hereyescleared.“What?”
“It’simportanttomethatyouhearthis,”Jesssaid.“YouaskedaboutRiver,soIwanttosaythisnow.Youaremyfamily.It’syouandme,andnobodycanchangethat,doyouunderstand?”
Junonodded.“Iknow,Mama.IlikeRiver.AndIknowyouloveme.”
Fromafewyardsaway,NaomiandKristacalledoutJuno’sname.Shetensedinexcitement,bouncingonherfeet,butobedientlykepthergazeonhermother,waitingforthereleaseofthegoodbyekiss.
Jesspressedittoherforehead.“Idoloveyou,JunoMerriam.”
“Iloveyou,too,JessicaNicolas!”Withadelightedgiggle,shetoreofftowardherfriends.
RIVER’SHAIRWASatangledmessfromJess’sfingersashekissedhiswaybackupherbody,andhisexpressionquicklyturnedcockyattheviewofherragdollprostrationonthebed.
“Thatwasinspired,”shemumbled.
Hekissedheronce,breathlessandsmiling,andthenfelltothesideinhisownexhaustedpuddle.“Good.”
Jessrolledover,halfsprawlingacrosshischest,andgrinnedupathim.“Howwasgoingcommandoatworkyesterday?”
Lettingoutalaugh-groan,hereachedwithhisfreearmandwipedahanddownhisface.“You’dthinkIwouldnoticethelackofboxerssometimebeforeleavingforwork.”
“Sexdrunk.”
Humming,hesmiledintoakiss,andthenwentcompletelystillasrealizationdawned.“Shit.Wehadsexinthekitchenyesterday.”Hesquintedapologeticallydownather.“Junofoundthem,didn’tshe?”
Jesswavedthisoff.“Shethoughttheywereshorts.”
Hewinced,facegrim.“I’msorry,Jess.”
“No,it’sgood.”Sherestedherchinonherfist,gazingupathim.“Ididtellherwe’retogether,though.Ihopethat’sokay.”
Riverbitbackasmile.“Ofcourseitis.”
“Honestly,I’mamazedherfriendsatschooldidn’taskabouttheU-Tarticle.OrtheTodayshow,forthatmatter.”
“Wassheokaywithus?”
Shestretchedtokisshim,becausethatwastheperfectfirstquestion.“Ithinkshe’sthrilled,RiverNicolas.”Returningtoherperchonhischest,sheadded,“Idon’twanthertoworrythatthingsaregoingtochangetoofast.”
Hedraggedlong,lazyfingersthroughherhairandgazedunfocusedatherface.
“I’daskyouwhatyou’rethinking,”shesaid,“butIbettheansweris,like,RNAeditingorrestrictionenzymes.”
“Actually,wiseass,Iwasthinkinghowbeautifulyouare.”
Animportantcircuitshortedoutinherbrain;shehadnoideahowtorespondarticulatelywhileelationsimmeredinherveins.“Oh.So…notRNAediting.”
Riversmiled,curlingtokissher.“No.”Hesettledbackonthepillow.“IwasthinkinghowhappyIam.”
Herbloodcellsstoodup,gavearoaringstandingovation.“Justlikeyourfancymachinepredicted.”
“Ihaven’tfeltthiswaybefore,”hesaid,ignoringherjoking.“Isittoosoontosaythat?”
Jessgrewshortofbreath.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Ihaven’tbeenhomeinyears,butIfeelthatwaywithyou.”
Shebentandpressedherfacetohischest,squeezinghereyesclosedandtryingnottohyperventilate.
“Youokay?”
“Justtryingnottofreakout,”shesaid,andquicklyadded,“Goodfreakout.Deeplyinfatuatedfreakout.”
“That’sagoodfreakou—Oh.”Whenshelookedupinresponsetohistone,anuneasysmilespreadacrosshismouthandhepushedbackintothepillowtobeabletoseeherbetter.“ImeanttotellyouthisassoonasIgothere,but—”
“ButIwaswaitingforyounaked?”sheinterruptedwithagrin.
“Yes,exactly.”Helaughed.“WehavepeoplecomingintotheofficesonMonday.”
“…Okay?”
Hegazedather,andthenlaughedathermisunderstanding.“WehavePeoplemagazinecomingintotheofficesonMonday.They’remeetingwithusinthemorning,Iguess,”hesaid,gesturingtoincludeher,“andthenDavid,Brandon,Lisa,andIwillhaveaninterviewintheafternoon.So,unlessyouandFizzyaregoingtoremoveeverycopyinthegrocerystore,it’sprobablygoodJunofoundouttoday.”
AFTERATRYSomethingNewSunday—RiverjoinedallfourDavisesatthezoo,andholdinghishandinpublicwasthenovelty—Mondaycamealong,andshedidn’tevenwakeupinapanic.Shewasgettingusedtoallthesehigh-pressuresituations—interviews,parties,photosessions—thoughnodoubtithelpedthatherrelationshipwithRiverfeltlikeacornet-blaring,red-carpet-unfurling,fireworks-over-theocean,firstofitskindinallofhistory.
Ithelped,too,thathesleptinherbedSundaynight.Inlife,Riverwasrestrainedandcautious.Asalover,hewasexpressiveandgenerous.Andinsleep,hewasacuddler:pressedupagainstherallnight,herlong,bigspoon.
Atsix,hisalarmwentoffandhejerkedawakelikehe’dbeenhoistedbystrings,sleepilytuggingonclothes—double-checkingthathehadonallofhisclothes—kissingher,andsilentlysneakingoutbeforeJunowasawake.
Halfanhourlater,hewasattheirdoor“surprising”JessandJunowithcoffeeandhotchocolate.
Junoshuffledoutofherbedroom,andthethreeofthemsatdownatthediningtableforbreakfast.Riverpulledoutsomepaperstoreview;hisfootcameoverJess’s,remindingherthatnotevenanhouragohewasbesideher,inherbed.Shetriednottoletthethoughtunspool,imaginingthethreeofthemsittingthereineasysilenceeverymorningfortherestoftheirlives.
Junopokedsleepilyathercereal.“Whydidyouleavesoearlytogetcoffee?Mamahasacoffeemachineinthekitchen.”
RiverandJesswentcompletelystill.Finally,hemanagedadeeplyunconvincing“Huh,doesshe?”
TheyfollowedthepathofJuno’spointedfingertothecounter,andRiverletoutamurmured“Oh,Ididn’tknowthat.Thankyou.”
HelookedatJessoverthetopofJuno’sheadandwincedforhelp.Jesshadtobiteherlipstokeepfromlosingit.
TheywalkedJunotoschooltogether,bracketingher,eachholdingoneofherhands.Shecrab-walked;theyswungher.“Youneedtobetaller,Mom,”Junosaid.“RiverNicolascanswingmewayhigher.”
Helookedoverather,gloating.
Andallofitfeltlikethetip-topoftherollercoaster,thefeelingofanticipationbeforethethrillofthedrop.
Soobviously,Jesswasterrified.
WHICHWASOKAY,becausetherewasplentytodistractherfromthoseenormous,scaryfeelings.WhentheyarrivedattheGeneticAllyoffices—theparkinglotmorecrowdedthanJesshadeverseenit—everythingexplodedintomotionandexcitement.Lisagreetedthematthecurb,firinginformationoffaboutthescheduleassoonastheyclimbedoutofthecar.JessandRiverwereupfirstfortwohours,thenthereporter,Aneesha,wouldtakeRivertomeetwithDavid,Lisa,andBrandonoverneartheSalk.Beforeshe’devenhadachancetoputherpursedown,JesswasbeingusheredintoLisa’soffice,whereamakeupartistandhairstylistgotrighttowork.
“Youlooklikeyou’vebeencarriedhereupsidedown,”Aneeshasaid,laughing.ShewasagorgeousBlackwomanwithglowingskinandthemostperfectcrab-applecheekbonesJesshadseeninherentirelife.“Totallyshell-shocked.”
Jesslaughedasthemakeupartistworkedaroundher.“Iamnot—toputitmildly—accustomedtothistreatment.”
Overthenexttwentyminutes,JesslearnedthatAneeshaSampsonhadinterviewedBradPittlastweekend,hadanirrepressiblelaugh,calledRiver“KeanuBanderas,”andembracedbothplungingnecklinesandshoulder-grazingdanglyearringsinherpersonalstyle.Jessdidn’tknowifshewantedtoproposeorproposealifeswap.
“We’regoingtostartinthelab,ifthatworksforyou,”Aneeshasaidastheyallsteppedoutintothehall.“JustRiveratfirst.”
Lisalookedalittleharried.“Jess,areyouokayjusthangingout?”
Jessheldupherlaptop.“Ihaveatonofworktodo.Youcanputmeanywhere.”
AsAneeshaheadedtowardtheelevatorandLisabenttoreplytoatextonherphone,Riverleanedin,kissingJess.“Okay.I’llseeyouinabit.Iloveyou.”
Whitenoiseroaredinherearsandhereyeswentwide.“What?”
Riverstareddownather,hisexpressionslackwithshock.Buthedidn’ttakeitback.Hejust…startedlaughing.HenoddedsidewaystoLisa,sayingquietly,“NottheplaceI’dplannedtosayit,buthallwaysandaudiencesdoseemtobeourthing.”
Lisaturnedtotakeacall,andJessbrokeintoagrin,throwingherarmsaroundhisneck.Sheplantedadozentinykissesalloverhisface.“Iloveyou,too.”
Thetruthofitwassoobvious;Jessdidn’tknowhowtheyhadn’tbeensayingIloveyoufromthatveryfirstday.
Withhissmilestraighteningandabrightheatflashinglikelightninginhiseyes,hemovedhislipstohercheek,andovertoherear.“I’llseeyouinafew.”
“River,they’rereadyforyou.”Lisawavedhimdownthehall.
Withonefinalpeck,hedisappearedintotheelevatorandLisareturned.“Jess,I’dputyouinRiver’soffice,butthey’resettingupforsomestills.”Hookingherthumbtotheofficedirectlybehindher,Lisasaid,“Let’sjustputyouinDavid’sfornow.Hewon’tmind.”
Jessliftedherlaptop.“I’mcoolanywhere.”
Lisatriedthedoor,thenpulledoutherkeysandunlockedit,immediatelywincingassheturnedbacktoJess.“Thisokay?Iforgothowmessyheis.Inevergoinhere.”
And…wow.David’sofficewastheupside-downversionofRiver’s.WhereRiver’sdeskwasbarebutforhiscomputer,David’shadthelookofadeskfoundintherubblepost-hurricane.Itwascoveredwithprinted-outdatasheets,emptypapercups,wadded-upnapkins,Post-its,andstacksofjournalarticles.Hisshelveswerelinedwithadustyanddisorganizedarrayofconventionfreebies:aMerck-brandedstressball,aSanofitravelmug,aplasticDNAmoleculefromGenentech,apileofbrandedpens.
Butlisten.RiverNicolasPe?ahadjusttoldherhelovedher.LisacoulddropJessoffonBourbonStreetearlyonaSaturdaymorningandshe’dbefine.“Thisisgreat.”
“We’llcomegrabyouwhenAneeshaisready.”Lisagrinnedbeforeduckingout,closingthedoorbehindher.
StaringatDavid’sdesk,Jesswonderedwhethersheshoulduseherlaptoponheractuallap,beforefiguringshecouldjustcarefullysetitontopandnotdisturbthemayhem.Whilehercomputerbootedup,Jessglancedaroundthescienceydetritus.Amongthepapersweresheetsandsheetsfilledwithhundredsofrowsofdata.Anelectricalcurrentpassedoverher.MaybethatwasathreadofwhysheandRiverwereaDiamondMatch—theywerebothdeeplyenthralledbynumbers.
Abouthalfwaydownamessypileofpapers,acornerofonestuckout.Jess’seyecaughtonsomethingwritteninthetopleftcorner,andshecarefullypulledfreethethickbinder-clippedcluster.
Client144326.
Herbloodturnedcarbonatedassheregisteredwhatshewasseeing.Thatwasher.Jess’sdata.Andbeneathhernumberwasanother:Client000001.
River.
Below,inbold,wastheinformationthey’dheardathousandtimesinthepastmonth:Compatibilityquotient:98.
She’dneverseentheirrawscoresbefore,buttherewassomethingoddlyholyaboutholdingthedatainherhands.
Okay.I’llseeyouinabit.Iloveyou.Hiswordsechoedinhermind.
Smiling,Jessscannedtherowsandrowsofnumbersreverently.Theclientnumbersandcompatibilityscorewereinthetopleftcorner,andinthetoprightwastheassayinformation:date,time,whichDNADuomachinehadruntheassay,etcetera.Belowthatwereaboutsixtyrowsofnumbers,brokenintothreegroupsofcolumns,eachthreecolumnswide.Behindthissheet,therewerepagesandpagesofsolidnumbers.
Jessgotchillsrealizingshewascurrentlyholdingtheinformationontheroughly3,500genesforwhichsheandRiveraligned.Wasitreallypossiblethattheirconnection—theirlove—wasencodedintheircells?Wassheprogrammedfromthedayshewasborntofeelthishappy—evenwhenJamiewasleavingheroverandover,whengirlsteasedheronthesoccerfieldforherdrunkmotheronthesidelines,whenAlecstaredmutelyatthepregnancytestforahandfulofminutesandfinallysaid,“I’veneverwantedkids”?OfallthemenJesscouldconnectwith,wasRiverherperfectfitallalong?
Theideamadeherbothqueasyandhigh.Shelookedbackdown,leaningintofocusoneachtinyrowofinformation.Thefirsttwocolumnsoneachsetshowedwhatsheassumedwasthegeneinformation—genenamesandGenBanksessionnumber.Thethirdcolumnsheldrawcompatibilityscores,withnumbersthatseemedtorangefromzerotofour.Nearlyalloftheirscoreswerehigherthan2.5.So,somehowthesescorescametogetherintheneuralnetwork’salgorithm,andninety-eightpoppedoutattheend.Clearly,Jesscouldseenow,thedatawasscientific,butitalsofeltdeeplymagical.Shewasaconvert.ShowhertotheGeneticAltar.
Shedraggedafingeracrossthepage,wantingtofeeltheinformationforherself.
TheirmostrecentassayhadbeencompletedonJanuary30—River’ddrawnherbloodthenightbeforewithsuchcarefulformality.They’dbeensoawkwardaroundeachother,sowary.Jessbitbackalaughremembering.Holyshit,she’dhadnoidea:he’dwantedhereventhen.
LookinguptoconfirmDavid’sofficedoorwasclosed,shequicklytookapicture.Sheknewsheshouldn’t;itmighthaveevenbeenillegal—besides,shecouldjustaskRiverforacopyofitanyway.ButJessknewshe’dwanttolookatitagainandagain.Flippingthrough,shebegansnappingphotosofeverypage,rowsuponrowsuponrowsofdata.Eachonehadafewvaluescircled,annotated,calledout—sheguessed—forbeingtotallyfuckingawesome.
Maybeshe’dframethisforhimasagiftatsomepoint.
Maybethey’deachpicktheirfavoritegeneandgetthatvaluetattooed.
MaybeshewasstartingtosoundlikeoneofFizzy’sheroinesrightnowandshouldprobablyshutthehellup.
Grinninglikeanidiot,Jessflippedtothenextpage,readytosnapapicture,butstopped.ThisnextsetofdatawasfromtheirfirstDNADuoassay,theonefromherspitkit.Inthisstack,somecellswerecircledinpencilandsomenoteswerescribbledinthemargins,barelylegible.Jessmarveledthattheirdatahadbeenporedoverlikethis.Hersoaring-soundtrackbrainsangthattheirdatamightevenunlocklargertruthsaboutloveandemotionalconnection
Andtherewasstillmore.Jessflippedmorepages,expectingnotesandcorrespondence,butshefoundanotherfirstpage.Aduplicate?No.Itwasadifferentfirstpage—someoneelse’s—fromanassayrunin2014.
Client05954
Client05955
Compatibilityquotient:93
ThismustbeDavid’sDiamondMatchpile,Jessassumed.Butherbraintrippedoveracoincidenceintheupperrightcorner.SheflippedbetweenthisoneandherandRiver’stopsheet,comparing.
Theassaydatesweredifferentinallthreecases,buttheassayendtimewasexactlythesame.
Everytime.
Jessblinked,tiltinggentlytowarduneasy,flippingbacktotheirfirstpagestoconfirm.Yes:forallthreeassays,theruntimeendedat15:45:23.
Herstomachtightened.Statistically,thatwas…deeplyunlikely.Outof86,400secondsineachtwenty-fourhours,therewasonlya0.0012percentchanceoftwoeventslandingonthesamesecond.EvenifJessassumedtheassayswereusuallystartedandfinishedatroughlythesametime—saywithinthesamefour-hourwindow—thatwasstillonlyalikelihoodof0.007percent,ora7outof100,000chance,thatJessandRiver’sassayandanotherassaycompletedonadifferentdaywouldhavefinishedattheexactsametime.Butallthree?Itwasnearlyimpossible.Thechances—Jessclosedhereyestodothemath—ofthreeassaysrandomlyendingatthesameexactsecondondifferentdayswereroughly1in2.5million.
Jesstriedtothinklogically.Shepushedbacktheroaringinherears.Maybethemachineswereprogrammedtobeginandendatthesametimetoreducecertainvariables?Itwouldn’tbeunheardof.
ExceptonJanuary29,Riverhadstartedtheassayalmostimmediatelyaftertakingherblood.Infact,he’ddouble-glovedandrolleduptothefumehoodbeforeshe’devenlefttheroom.Thefollowingmorning,he’dtextedher,askingforadate,andsaidthetesthadbeenconfirmed.Butalthoughthedateontheprintoutwasright,howwasitpossibleRiverhadthedatainthemorningiftheassaywasn’tcompleteuntil3:45thatafternoon?Didhelietoherthathe’dgottentheconfirmation?Thatdidn’tsoundlikeRiver.
“Whatthefuck?”Jessexhaledthewords,confused.Ihave…Ihavetobemissingsomething.
Herlungshurt.Herstomachrolled.Hereyesburnedfromthestrainofherintensefocus.Shecouldn’tblink.Andthen—herheartseemedtofillwithneedles—JessnoticedthatallthreeassayswererunontheDNADuo2.Sherememberedseeingthetwomachinesthenightheranthebloodsamplesandaskingaboutthem.
“ArethosetheDNADuos?”
“CreativelynamedDNADuoOneandDNADuoTwo.DNADuoTwoisdownrightnow.Gettingservicednextweek.It’llbeupandrunningbyMay,Ihope.”
Athoughtcrashedintoherhead.Shewasfranticnow.Flippingthroughtherespectivepagesonthetwodatasets,shescanneddownthecolumnsonthetwopiecesofpaper.ShetriedtofinddifferencesinthedatasetsbetweenherandRiver’sninety-eight,andthisothercouple’sninety-three.
Shecouldn’t;theywereidentical.Everyvalue—asfarasshecouldtell—wasexactlythesame.Itallwentblurrythehardershestared.Itwastoomanyrows.Toomanytinynumbers.Itwouldbelikelookingforaneedleinahaystackwhileherhairandthehaystackwerebothonfire.And,shethoughtdesperately,forscoresthishigh,maybemostoftherawscoreswouldbeidentical?Whatwasshemissing?
Withdreadsinkinginherchest,Jessregisteredthatthecirclednumbersontheirfirstdatasheetwerecircledforareason.HergazeslidtoapenciledovalontheoriginalspreadsheetfromJanuary19.
Jessbroughtashakinghandtohermouth.OnherandRiver’ssheet,shesaw:
OT-RGeneID50213.5
Butontheothercouple’s:
OT-RGeneID50211.2
Insideanothercircleontheiroriginalsheet—forthegenePDE4D—JessandRiverhada2.8.Herheartvaultedintoherthroat.Theothercouplehada1.1.
Jessonlyhadthestomachtoconfirmtwomorecircledvalues—anAVPof3.1onhersandRiver’s,a2.1ontheothercouple’s;forDRD4,a2.9ontheirs,a1.3ontheothercouple’s.
AsfarasJesscouldsee,theonlyvaluesthatweredifferent—maybeonlythirtyintheentiredatasetofnearly3,500—weretheonesthathadbeencircledintheirfirstDNADuo.Todrawattentiontothem.Ifitweren’tfortheidenticaltimestampandtheDNADuo2mystery,Jesscouldhavetoldherselfalie,thatthosevalueswerecircledbecausetheydifferentiatedherandRiverfromtheotherassay.Butsheknewtheyweren’tcircledbecausetheywerespecial.Theywerecircledtokeeptrackofwhichoneshadbeenaltered.Someonehad,onpurpose,changedacompatibilityscoreofninety-threeintoaninety-eight.
JohanandDottywereourveryfirstDiamondMatch,Riverhadsaidatthecocktailparty.Theirgranddaughterbroughtthemtousbackin2014,andshewasright:theycamethroughwithascoreofninety-three.
Shemightthrowup.Withshakinghands,JesstookapictureofeverypageoftheassayshewasalmostcertainbelongedtoJohanandDottyFuchs.Shenearlyknockedoverthepiletwice.Shewasnumbasshebentandstowedherlaptop.Sheputherphoneaway.Andthenshesatquietly.WaitingforAneeshatocomeforher,Jesshadnoideahowshewasgoingtogetthroughtheinterview,knowingwhatsheknewnow.
RiverandJesshadneverbeenaDiamondMatch.TWENTY-TWO
INTHEPASTtwentyminutes,Riverhadaskedherfourtimeswhethershewasokay.
Ofcoursehehad;anycreaturewithapulsecouldsensethattherewassomethingNotRightaboutheratthemoment.Butshecouldn’ttalkaboutityet,andcouldn’ttalkaboutithereattheoffice,andevenifshecould—shewasn’tsureshewaspreparedtohearhisanswertothesimplestquestion:Didyouknowthiswholetime?
SosheputonaflimsyblissfulmaskandansweredAneesha’squestions.ButRiver’squietconcernrepeatedlyremindedJessthatherstresswasasclearonherfaceasafever.Theshockfeltliketheflu.
Theytooksomephotostogetheroutside;theytooksomeinthelab,laughingandgazingadoringlyintoeachother’seyes.Butbehindhersmile,thequestionrammedintoJess’sthoughtslikethepiercingsirenofapolicecar.Untilsheknewtheanswer,shecouldn’tevenletthenextquestionslotintoplace,thoughitpressedagainsttheglassanyway:IswhatIfeelevenreal?
Statisticallyspeaking,sheandRiverweremanythousandtimesmorelikelytofindtheirsoulmateinaBaseMatchthantheyweretoevergetanauthenticDiamondMatch,soeveniftheirtruescorewasatwenty-five,itwasn’tliketheycouldn’tberighttogether.Butitwassomucheasiertotrustthoseearly,deepreactionswhenthenumberssupportedher.
Butshewasgettingaheadofherself,andwithoutinformation—withoutdata—itwasthelastthingshecouldletherselfdo.Jessmentallycrumpledthethoughtsintoawadded-upballofpaperandsetitonfire.Onemomentatatime,andnowwasnotthemomentforameltdown.
Aneeshafinishedupon-siteandgaveJessandRivertimetosaygoodbyebeforehehadtoleavewiththePeopleteamtomeetupwithDavidandBrandon.EventhinkingofDavidrightthenmadeJess’sstomachsour.AndifRiverknew…shedidn’tknowwhatshewoulddo;heremotionswouldbetoohotandgiantandimpossibletomanage.
Themomenttheywerealone,RiverpulledJessintoanalcove,bendingtolookherdirectlyintheeye.
“IfeellikeI’mmissingsomething,”hesaidquietly.“Areyoumadatme?”
Thisoneshecouldactuallyfield.Areyouokay?hadbeentoobigtoanswerunderherbreathwithAneeshaandherphotographertenfeetaway.
“I’mnotmadatyou.Butcanwegettogetherlater?”
Helaughed,confused.“Ofcourse.Iassumedwe’d—”
“Justus.”
Thesmileevaporated,andafrownlinedhisforehead.Rivertookastepcloser,slidingahanddownherarmandlinkinghiswarmfingerswithhercoldones.“HaveIdonesomethingwrong?”
Jesshatedtosay“Idon’tknow,”butitwastrue.
“Somethinghappened,”sheadmitted,“andIneedtoaskyouaboutit,butnowisn’tthetime.”Sheswallowed.“Iknowitsucks,andI’msureyou’regoingtobeworryingaboutthisuntilwecantalkaboutit.”
“Uh,yeah.”
“Iwill,too.Youjusthavetotrustmethatwecan’tdoithere,andweneedmorethanthetenminuteswehavebeforeyouandAneeshahavetogo.”
Rivergazeddownatherandseemedtodecidethiswasthebesthewasgoingtogetrightthen.“Okay.Itrustyou.”Hepulledherintohischest.TherewashonestlynothingJesswantedmorethantobeabletoconfidentlyputherarmsaroundhiswaistandloseherselfinthecleancitrussmellofhim.Butherjointswerelocked,posturestiff.“We’lltalklater?”heasked,pullingbacktolookather,cuppingherelbows
“Yeah.”Herphonebuzzedinherbackpocketandsheretrievedit,expectingnotificationofsomeworkemail,oratextfromPopsaboutdinnerplans.
ButitwasfromFizzy,andworryimmediatelypushedallofthetightnessinJess’schestupintoherthroat.
IneedyouASAP.
Bestfriendbatsignal.
“Sorry,”Jesswhispered.“It’sFizzy.She…”
Jessquicklyreplied:
Areyouok?
Iamsafeandnotinjured.
Butno.I’mnotok.
Heartpounding,JesslookedupatRiver.Shedidn’tlikeleavingthingslikethis,butshewasgoingtohaveto.“Ireallyneedtogo.”
Hisvoicewasalowblendofexasperatedandworried,andhereachedforherarm.“Jess—”
“Sheneedsme.Fizzyneverneedsme.Callmewhenyou’realldone?”
Henoddedandtookastepback,lettinghergo.
Turningaway,Jesstypedasshewalked:
Whereareyou?
Myplace.Areyoucoming?
Yes.Betherein20.
FIZZY’SFRONTDOORwasopen;theinteriorofthehousewasshadedbehindthescreendoor.Jessdidn’thearsobbingorscreaming—whichwasreassuring—butBonIverplayedquietlyfromthelivingroomspeakers.ForsomeonelikeFizzy,whosegeneralmoodleanedmoreupbeatbopthanquietballad,BonIvergaveJessalegitimatereasontoworry.
Andlikethat,Riverwasputasideforlater.Jesshadagreatdealofexperiencecompartmentalizing.JamiehadshownupatJess’shighschoolgraduationtowardtheendofafour-day-longmethbenderandstalkedtheaisleslookingforheramongtheseaofclassmates.AboutthirtysecondsaftersheloudlyclimbedoverJeromeDamianoandAlexaDavidsontogettoherdaughter,Jamiewasescortedoutbythecampussecurityguard.Evenso,Jessstoodandmadeherwaytothefrontoftheauditoriumwhenhernamewascalled.
And,Jessremembered,sheandAlecbrokeupaboutanhourbeforeshepresentedherthesistotheentiremathematicsdepartment,whenshewassixmonthspregnantwithJuno.She’dshovedallofherangeranddisappointmentaside,goneintothepresentationwithanenormoussmileandbeautifullydesignedslides,andgottenanA.
OnelookatFizzycurledupinaballonhercouch,eyesred-rimmed,hairinanuncharacteristicallymessybun,andafamiliarwallslidintoplace.
Shesatdown,pullingoneofFizzy’sbarefeetintoherlap.“Tellme.”
Reachinguptowipehernose,Fizzysaidsimply,“He’smarried.”
“Who’smarried?”
FizzyturnedherwaterydarkeyesuptoJess’sface.“Rob.”
“BankerRob?”
“Yeah.”
“Married?Toaperson?”
“Yeah.”
Jessstaredather,disbelieving.“Wasn’theDaniel’sbrother’sfriend?Howdidnoonesayanythingtoyou?”
“Apparentlyhe’s,like,afriendofafriendofafriend,andRobgotmarriedsometimeinthepasttwoyears,whentheyhadn’tbeenhangingoutasmuch.”
“Whata—agarbagehuman.”Jess’sjawhungopen.“Howdidyoufindout?”
“HefoundmeatTwiggsandtoldme.”
“Hetoldyouinpublic?”
Fizzynodded,grim.“Hesatinyourchair.”
Shegasped.“Howdarehe!”
“Iknow.”
“Sowhatdidyoudo?”
Fizzytookadeep,fortifyingbreath.“Igotup,askedDanielforapitcheroficewater,anddumpeditinRob’slap.”
“Applause,”Jesswhispered,impressed.
“Ithinkhestartedtofreakoutthathewasgoingtogetcaught.OnenightinLittleItalyweranintosomeoneheknew,andheintroducedmetotheguyashis‘friendFelicity,’whichatthetime,Iwaslike—‘That’sfair,we’reprettynewstill,’butnowIknowwhy.”Fizzy’sfacecrumpled.“Ireallylikedhim,Jess,andyouknowme,”shesaid,hiccupping,“Ineverlikeanyone.Icookedforhim,andtalkedaboutbookswithhim,andwehadinsidejokes—andhe’sfuckingmarried.AndIswearhewantedcreditforcomingcleanwithme.Like,hewasgenuinelyshockedthatIwassopissed.”Shewipedhernoseagain.
“Comehere.”JessshiftedFizz’sfootawayandpulledthewholeFizzyintoherarms,squeezingtightwhileherfriendcried.
“Youknowthecrazything?”Fizzyasked,hervoicemuffledbyJess’sshirt.
“What?”
“Wejustsentinhisspitsamples.”
“ToGeneticAlly?”Jessasked,andFizzynodded.“Ithoughtyouweren’tgoingtodothat.”
Fizzywailed.“Weweren’t!”
“God,”Jesssaid,“whatadumbass.Whatwasheexpectingtohappen?”
“Right?”Herbestfriendlaughedthroughasob.“Andnow,whatifIfindoutthatwe’re,like,perfectforeachother,anditdoesn’tmatterbecausehe’smarried?Idon’twanttoknowifwe’resupposedtobetogether!”
ThefeelingsfromtheotherroompeekedaroundJess’sneatlittlecompartmentalizedcorner,askingifitwastimetocomeoutyet.Jessshookherhead.Itwasnot.
“Well,logistically,youcanrequestthathisaccountneverbelinkedtoyourssoyouneverhavetoknow,butI’mfairlysurethathedoesn’tbelonganywherenearyourperfect,kind,sassyass,anyway.Anyonewhowoulddosomethinglikethatisrottenfromtheinside.IbethisDNAlookslikeblackbathroommold.”
“Likelongstringsofmucus,”Fizzyagreed.
“Icouldkeepthismetaphorgoing,butit’sonlygoingtogetgrosser.”Jesssqueezedheragain.“I’msorry,cutie.IwanttoknowwherehelivessoIcangoshovehisheaduphisasssofarhecanlickhisownear.”
“Hiswifewouldbethere,”Fizzysaidquietly.“Iguessthat’swhyweneverwenttohisplace.”
“Garbagehuman,”Jesswhisperedangrily.
FizzywipedhernoseonJess’sshirtbeforepullingbackandinspectingit.SuspicionstraightenedherfrownasherattentionmovedupJess’snecktoherfaceandhair.Shesniffled.“Whyareyoualldressedup?”
“WedidPeopletodayattheoffices.”
Thewatery,puffyversionofherbestfriendgroaned,fallingdramaticallybackonthethrowpillows.“IsentthebatsignalwhenyouwerewithPeoplemagazine,ohmyGod.”Afterathoughtfulbeat,shesatupandthrewherarmsaroundJessagain.“Andyoucame!”
“Itwouldbeinmybestinteresttotakethesegoldenfriendpointsandnottellyouthatwe’dalreadyfinishedwhenIgotyourtext,”Jesssaid.“Butthelyingwouldnegatethegoldenfriendpoints.AndIswearIwouldhavecomeanyway.”
“Butyoucouldbeoffhavingcelebratorysexwithyoursoulmate,andIcouldhavejustusedwineandcheeseforemotionalsupport.”
Soulmate.
Jessshotawarninglookatthefeelingsnowplottingtheirescape.“Iwouldalwaysratheryouleanonmethanonwineandcheese.”Shepausedbeforeadding,“AndRiverisn’tdonewiththeinterview.”
“I’mhonoredtobeyoursecondchoice.”
“Third,”Jessremindedher.
Fizzyleanedbackandlaughed.“Yousuck.”
“Maybe,butIloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,too.”Sheglancedattheclockonthewall.“Speakingof,doyouneedtopickupyourfirstchoicefromschool?”
“It’sMonday,”Jesssaid.“Pops’llgether,andthey’lldothelibrarything.IhavethreehourstodowhateverIcantomakeyoufeelbetter.”
FIZZYANDJESSloungedonthecouchwithSenseandSensibilityplayingquietlyalongsidetheircheese-and-crackerfeast.Eventually,Jessgaveheronelastsqueeze,headedhome,andgotJunofed,bathed,snuggled,andtuckedin—andthengotafullglassofwineinherself—beforesheopenedtheproverbialfloodgates.
Butthentheywereopen,andthoughtsofRiverdrownedouteverythingelse.Theupsidetopushingitallbehindawallwasthatshe’dbeenabletofunctionprettynormallyallday;thedownsidewasthatshewasn’tatallmentallypreparedfortheconversationawaitingher.
Therewasnouseputtingitoff.Jesspulledoutherphone,textinghim.
Canyoucomeover?
Heansweredimmediately,almostlikehe’dbeenwaitingwithhisphoneinhishand:
Yes.Now?
Nowisgood.
ShehitSendandthenimmediatelyrepliedagain.
Wait.
ShetypedasfastasshecouldbecausesheknewtheWaithadprobablysenthimpanic-spiraling.
Thismaysoundstrange,butdidyoueverseeourrawdata?
Ofcourse.
Jesschewedherthumbnailassheconsideredhowtophrasewhatshewantedtosaynextwithoutgivinghimtimetoprepareanexcuseifhehadbeeninonthedatafabricationallalong.Shewantedtobeabletoreadthetruthonhisface.Ontheotherhand,ifhehadacopyofthedataathome,shewantedhimtobringit.
Luckily,Riversavedherthetroubleofphrasingthequestion.
Ihavetheplothere.
Wantmetobringitover?
Jessexhaledaslow,hotstreamoftension.
Thatwouldbegreat.
Ishouldhaveofferedthatagesago.I’msorry.Isthatwhatthisisabout?
Shechosenottoanswerthis.
Areyouleavingnow?
Yes.
HELIVEDONLYtenminutesaway,butRiverwasatherdoorineight.Before,ifhe’dshownupatherapartmentafterJunowasasleep,Jesswouldhavebeeninhisarmsimmediately.Buttonight,theybothseemedtoknowthataffectionwasonhold.
Wordlessly,hesteppedinside,breathlessfromwhatJesscouldonlyguesswasajogfromhiscar.“Hey.”
Sheswallowedbackasobthatseemedtoriseoutofnowhere.“Hey.Howwastherestoftheinterview?”
Henodded,wipingahandoverhisforehead,stillcatchinghisbreath.“Good.Yeah,Ithinkitwasgood.IsFizzyokay?”
Shakingherhead,Jesswalkedovertothediningtableandsatdown,shouldersslumped.“Robismarried.”
Riverslowlyremovedhismessengerbagfromhisshoulder,settingitdownonthetable.“You’rekidding.”
“No.AndIguesstheyjustsentinhisDNADuokit.”
Riverwinced.“Shit.”
Andthentheyfellquiet.Theproverbialelephantwasstandingdirectlyontopofthem.Withamumbled“Well…”Riverpulledoutasheetofpaperfromhisbagandhandedittoher.Itwaswell-loved,wrinkledandworn,likeit’dbeenpickedupandputdownagainandagain,studiedathousandtimes.
“Ourdata.”Hereachedup,wipinghisforeheadagain.“Areyougoingtotellmewhat’sgoingon?”
Thecolorfulscatterplotwasprintedinalandscapeviewandtookuptheentirepage.Amasterfuldisplayofcomputationalskill,andastatistician’sbestfriend:principalcomponentanalysis.Afteronlyahandfulofseconds,JesscouldtellitcapturedeverydatapointshesawonthetablesinDavid’soffice.
Theplothadtwoaxes:TheverticalY-axiswaslabeledzerotofour—thecompositescoresJesswasalreadyfamiliarwith.ThehorizontalX-axishadtwelvedifferentlabels.SheassumedtheyrepresentedthecategoriesofthegenefamiliesincludedintheDNADuo:Neuroendocrine,Immunoglobulin,Metabolic,SignalTransduction,MHCClassI/II,Olfactory,RegulatoryProteins,Transporters,Heat-Shock,SNARE,IonChannel,andFGF/FGFR.Andonthegraphitself,therewerethousandsoftinydots,seeminglyoneforeachoftheirscoresoneachindividualgene,color-codedandclusteredbycategory.
Itwasamucheasierwaytolookattherawscores—Jesscouldimmediatelyseetrendsherethatshecouldn’tinthetable—butbecausetherewassomuchdata,itwascleartoherthatifthiswasallRiverhadseen,itwouldhavebeenalmostimpossibletodecipherthatitwasnearlyidenticaltoaplothe’dseenyearsago.
And,mostimportantly,theinformationthattippedheroff—therunendtime,thedate,theDNADuomachine—wasn’tincludedinthisplot.Thisgraphonlyhadclientnumbers,thecompatibilityscore,and,inthelowerrightcornerintinyprint,thedatethisplotwasgenerated.
MaybeRiverdidn’tknow.Hopewasaweaklightshiningonthedarknessofhermood.Ascasuallyaspossible,Jessasked,“Isthisthewayyoualwayslookatthedata?”
Helaughedquietly.“I’msureforamathematician,it’smaddeningtonotlookatactualnumbers,butwe’vecometorelyonthesescatterplots.It’seasiertoseeoutliersthiswayandtoknowifweneedtoreruntheassayforanyreason.”Heleanedin,pointingtoalargeclusterofdotsintheirplot.“See,youcantellthatweareparticularlywellalignedinmetabolicgenesandimmunoglobulin.Andourlowestscoresseemtobeforregulatoryproteins,butthat’snotaverymeaningfulconclusionbecauseeventhosescoresareallprettyhigh.Onceyougetascoreaboveeighty,mostoftheplotslooksimilar.”
Sheswallowedbackarelievedgasp.Itconfirmedthatitmightnotimmediatelyjumpouttohimthatthedatahadbeenmanipulated.“Howdoyougeneratethese?”
“Thisactuallyistherawdata.Everythinginatableisshownhere.TiffanyjustworkedwiththeCaltechguystohavetheneuralnetworkcreatethisplotforusasateambecauseit’swayeasiertolookat.Butwecangenerateoneoftheseforanycouplewhomatches.”
“SoFizzywouldhaveamillionofthese,”shesaid.
Helaughedagain.“Imean,intheory.Wedon’tuploadthesetotheappsorevenroutinelygeneratethemanymoreunlessrequestedbecausethefilesarehuge,butsure,youcouldtheoreticallycreatescatterplotslikethiscomparingyoutoeveryotherindividualintheworld.Thatjustwouldn’tbeveryuseful.”Hemethereyes,almostshyly.“Butofcoursewedidoneforourassay.Iwantedtolookatitreallyclosely.AtfirstbecauseIwasskeptical,andthenbecauseitwassortofamazing.”
Tearsfilledhereyes,andshebenttorestherheadonthetable.Reliefwashedoverherlikeananalgesic,aparalytic.Jess’sheadfeltsoheavy,andbeforeshecouldstopit,asobrippedfromherthroat.
“Holy—Jess.”Riverleanedover,pullingherintohisarms.“Sweetheart,what’swrong?”
He’dnevercalledher“sweetheart”before,anditonlymadehercryharder.Shewasrelievedthathehadn’tbeenlyingtoherthiswholetime.Butnowshehadtotellhimthattheyweren’taninety-eight.Shewasinlovewithhim—andJesshatedhowmuchthiswasgoingtohurthim.HistrustinDavidwasgoingtobeirreparablydamaged.Untilshe’dcomealong,GeneticAllyhadbeenRiver’sentirelife.
“IhatewhatI’mabouttotellyou.”
Hewentstillaroundher.“Whatisit?Justsayit.”
Shemovedawayfromhim,standingandgoingtothekitchentoretrievethephotosshe’dprintedearlier.Herhandsshookasshehandedthemover.
Riverseemedfamiliarenoughwiththetablestoimmediatelyknowwhathewasholding.“Wheredidyougetthese?”
“David’soffice,”Jessadmitted.“Bemadatmeafteryoulookatthem.TheywereonhisdeskwhenLisaputmeintheretowaitformypartoftheinterview.Itwasn’tmyintentiontosnoop,butwhenIsawourclientnumbers,Igotreallyexcited.Likeyousaid,it’ssortofamazingtolookatitandknowit’showwestarted.”Shebitherlip.“Andthenthereweresomethingsaboutitthatwerestrangetome.”
Hefrowned,lookingdown,notseeingityet.“Likewhat?”
Jessreachedup,wipinghereyes.“Justlookatthemforafewminutes.”
Shelefthimtostudy,walkingintothekitchentogetaglassofwater.Ice-cold,itburnedafrigidpathfromherlipstoherstomach.
Aboutthirtysecondslater,aquiet“Whatthefuck?”camefromthediningroom.
Jessclosedhereyes.Papersrustledwithrenewedurgency,andthesoundofthemspreadingoutonthetablewasrushed.
“Jess.”Shecouldtellfromthestraininhisvoicethathisjawwasclenched.“Canyoucomebackhere,please?”
Takingadeepbreath,shesetherglassinthesinkandjoinedhiminthediningroom.Hewasstanding,armsbracedonthetableashebentandstareddown.
“Whocircledthesevalues?”
“Idon’tknow.”Sheputherarmsaroundhiswaistfrombehindandrestedherforeheadbetweenhisshoulderblades.Relievedthatheknew,Jessthoughttheycouldstarttofigurethisouttogether.“Youokay?”
Adrylaugh,andthen,“No.WhatamIseeing?Isthisforreal?”
“Didyouknow?”sheaskedquietly.
Hisvoicecameouttight,asifthroughclenchedteeth.“Ofcoursenot.”
Closinghereyes,Jesssqueezedhimtighter.Buthedidn’tturnaround;infact,Jessrealizedheremainedcompletelystiffinherembrace.Andforthefirsttimeitoccurredtoher—howwasitonlyoccurringtohernow—thatalthoughJesstrustedthemagicinstatisticalanomaly,Rivermightlookattheirdoctoredscoreandseethattheywerenevermeanttobe.TWENTY-THREE
AFTERASTUNNEDbeat,Jesssteppedawayandletherarmsfalltohersides.Riverdidn’tseemtonotice;hisattentionwasstillshiftingovertherowsofnumbersashewentfrompagetopageandbackagain.Herhearthadlodgedsomewhereinherwindpipe.
Riverletoutalowgroanandhunghishead.“Ishouldhaveseenit.”
“How?”Jessasked,incredulous.“Therearethirty-fivehundrednumbersthere.Atthispoint,yousendthisinformationintotheblackboxandit’ssimplifiedsoextensivelyyou’dneverknowifsomethingwasoff.”
“Youdon’tunderstand,”hesaid,turningaroundandduckingpasther,outintothelivingroom.“TheamountoftimeIspentporingovertheFuchses’data.Ishouldhaveseen.”
“Notevenabrainlikeyourscanmemorizethirty-fivehundrednumbersfromalmostadecadeago.”Jessmovedtoputahandonhisarm,butheshruggedaway,turningtofacethewindow.
Hishandsrippedintohishairandheletoutaquietgrowl.“Thisisacatastrophe.”
Jessstaredathisback.Hewasright.Itwasaterriblethingtouncover,andDavidwasgoingtohavehelltopay,butwasn’tthereatouchofserendipityinit,too?Ithadstillbroughtthemtogether.“Iknowyouhavealotonyourmind,”shestartedquietly,“butIwantyoutoknowthatIloveyou.Thisdoesn’tchangethat.”
Hewentstill,likehewasthinkingabouthowtoreacttothis,butthenabruptlylookeddownathiswatch.“Shit.David’sprobablystillattheoffice.Ineedtoheadoverthererightnow.”
Jesspivotedasquicklyasherheartandbrainwouldlether.“Okay.Yes.Good.”Aplan.Shereachedforherphone,swipingtoFavoritesandpressingPops’sphoto.Itwasalreadyringingwhenshebroughtittoherear.“LetmejustgetPopstositwithJuno—”
“Jess.”Hereachedforthephone,gentlypullingitfromhergrip.Withhiseyesonthescreen,heendedthecallbeforePopsanswered.
“Whatareyoudoing?Ican’tleavewithout—”
Oh
Riverwasstillstaringatherscreen,atthephotooffour-year-oldJunodressedasanoctopusforHalloween.Hiseyesweregluedtotheimage.HadhelookedatJessoncesincehesawthedata?“Ineedtotalktohimalone.”
Jessexhaledashockedlaugh.“You’renotserious.”
“Thisismycompany,Jess.”
“Butthissituationinvolvesme,too.Ihavearighttoknowwhyhedidthis.”
Hisshouldersstiffened.“Ifhedidthis.Wedon’tknowthatthiswasn’tanoversightormistakeor,or—somekindofcomputerglitch.I’veknownthemanforever.Ihavetogivehimachancetoexplainit,andIneedtodoitmyself.”
Jessfeltherjawclench.“Youseriouslyexpectmetojustcoolmyheelshere,alone?”
Henoddedtightly.
“Willyoucomeoverlater?”
“I’mnotsure.”Rivertookadeepbreathandfinallymethereyes.“I’msorry,I’vereallygottogo,now.”Hereachedforhisbagonthetableandshovedeverythinginsidebeforeheadingforthedoor.Jesstrailedafterhim,buthecouldn’tleavefastenough.Mentally,Riverwasalreadygone.
Shestoodatthedoor,watchingtheburning,familiarsightofsomeoneshelovedwalkaway.“River.”
Hemuttered,“I’llcallyou,”andthendisappearedthroughthedarkcourtyard.
BUTRIVERDIDN’Tcall.Jessstayedupuntilalmostthree,alternatingbetweenwatchingTVandcheckingherphone.Finallyshefellasleepproppedawkwardlyagainstherpillows,wakingtofindtheTVstillonandherphonestillemptyofmessages.
Shewasinaterriblemoodbythetimethemorningroutinebegan.
“Juno,I’mtryingtomakeyourlunch.Canyouleavethecataloneandgetdressed?Now,please.”
JunopoutedfromwhereshewascrouchedonthecarpetwavingoneofPigeon’stoyfeathersbackandforth.“Idon’tknowwhattowear.”
“Youhadclothesoutlastnight.Andbringmeyourdishes,Bug.”
“ButwehavePEtoday,andIwanttowearleggings.”
JesssworeherkidhadsomesortofradarthatzeroedinonexactlyhowshortherMomFusewasonanygivenday,andthenturnedlightingitintoanOlympicsport.“Sowearleggings.”
“Idon’tknowwheretheyare.”
“Youhaveatleasttenpairsofthem.”
“Iwanttheblackoneswiththestars.”
“Didyouputtheminthelaundry?”JessreachedforthegrapesinthefridgeandtuckedabunchintoJuno’slunchbox.Herphonewasfacedownonthecounter,butsheleftituntouched.Lookingwouldonlymakeherfeelworse.
Junorolledaroundonthefloor,squealingasthecatbeganchewingontheendsofherhair.“Ithinkso.”
“Thenlookinthedryer.”Jessthrewinacupofapplesauce,abagofcarrotsticks,andthelasttubeofyogurt,makingamentalnotetogotothestore.
“Canyougetthemforme?”Morelaughing,moresquealing.Nogettingdressed.
“Juno!”Jessyelled.Hervoicewassolouditstartledevenher.
Quietly,Junopushedherselfupandskulkedoutoftheroom.
Frantically,Jesswipeddownthecounterandclosedtherefrigeratordoorsoharditbouncedbackopen.Anotherglanceatherwatch.Shit.Thedryerdoorslammedandastartledcatbolteddownthehall,jumpingonthecoffeetableandknockingoverJuno’shalf-eatenbowlofcereal.MilkandsoggyRiceKrispiesdrippedslowlytothefloor.
“HowmanytimesdoIneedtotellyounofoodinthelivingroom!”
“ItwasPigeon’sfault!”
“Getdressed!”Hervoiceseemedtoechothroughthesuddenlysilentapartment.
Juno’sbottomlipjuttedoutandshestompedintoherroomagain.Jessdroppedontothecouch,exhausted.Itwasbarelyeight.
Theywalkedtoschoolintensesilence;Junowasmad,butnotnearlyasmadasJesswasatherself.ShecycledthroughmemoriesofJamiehavinganargumentwithwhatevermanshewaswithatthetimeandtakingitoutonJessorNanaorPops.
Jesswasinashamespiralbythetimetheyreachedthemonkeybars.
Needingtofixthis,JesscrouchedonthegrassinfrontofJuno.“Youhaveyouroutlinefortheartfair?”
Shenoddedbutdidn’tmeetJess’seyes,insteadfocusingontheplaygroundoverhermom’sshoulder.Herlittleforeheadwassogrumpy.
“Andyourlunchisinyourbackpack?”
Anothercurtnod.
“I’msorryIyelledthismorning.Ididn’tgetenoughsleepandwokeupinabadmood.Ishouldhavecountedtoten.”
“CanPopspickmeupafterschool?”
Betrayalwasasharpknifetwistinginherchest.“He’llbewithNanaJoatrehabilitation.Idon’thaveanymeetings,soIgettopickyouuptoday.”
“CanRiverNicolasinstead?”
Theknifepushedindeeper.Itwasn’tthatJunowantedsomeonespecific,itwasthatshespecificallydidn’twantJess.Jessknewthatitwasirrationaltofeelhurt—Junowasmad,andthiswaswhatmadkidsdid—butbeingashittymomthismorningwasthelastthingJess’sheartneeded.HowcouldshesaythatshehadnoideawhereRiverwouldbeafterschool?Ornextweek?Ornextyear?
IfshewereJamie,shewouldeithershowuplatertodaywithapresenttwoyearstooyoungforJess’sinterestsorcallJessabratandnotshowupatall.Iamnotmymom.Jesswrappedherlittlegirlinahug.“I’llaskhim,buteitherway,I’llbehereatpickup,”shesaid.“Iloveyouthemostest.”
Junosoftenedinherarms.“Iloveyouthemostest,too.”
FIZZYANDSHEhadbeensittingattheirtableatTwiggsfortwentyminutes,butJesshadyettologintohercomputer.
“EarthtoJess.”
Shetorehereyesawayfromthewindow.“Sorry,what?”
“IwasaskingaboutNana.”
“Right.”Jesslookeddownatthefrothytopofheruntouchedflatwhite.“She’sdoingokay.Betterthanokay,actually.Shehasout-patientPTeverydayforacoupleweeks.They’reworkingonstrengtheningexercisesandputtingsomeweightonthatleg.Herbonedensityisgood,sotheyaren’ttooworriedaboutthepinsshifting.She’salightningboltonthatscooter.”
“AndPops?”
“He’shappiernowthatshe’shomewithhim,”Jesssaidflatly.“He’scharmedmostofthestaffattherehabfacility,soofcoursegetswhateverhewants.”
“Letmefindmysurprisedface,”Fizzysaid,andthenwentquietandstillacrossfromJessassheturnedherphoneoverandglancedatthescreen.Nothing.“Doyouwanttotellmewhat’swithyoutoday?”
“Me?”
Fizzysmiled.“Jess.Mybestieintuitionisgodtier,levelfivethousand,thetoponepercent.YouthinkIcan’ttellwhensomething’soff?AreyouworriedaboutNanaorthosechildrenofthecorninJuno’sclass?”
Jesslaughedforthefirsttimeallday.Theproblemwasthatshecouldn’ttalkaboutthis.Notonlywasn’titherproblemtoshare,shewasn’tevensurehowbigtheproblemwas
“I’mfine,justsleptlikecrapandsnappedalittleatJunothismorning.”Liftinghercuptoherlips,sheasked,“AnyupdateonRob?”
“I’msurehe’striedtocall,”Fizzysaid,“butIblockedhim.Frommyphone,Insta,Facebook,Snapchat,WhatsApp,TikTok,Twitter,and…”Sheliftedherphone,tappedthescreenafewtimes,andadded,“LinkedIn.”
“Youhaveallthose?”
Fizzyshrugged,tearingoffapieceofmuffin.
JessreachedacrossthetabletotakeFizzy’sfreehand.“Doyouthinkyou’llseeanymoreofyourmatches?”
“Whoknows.Mysocialbonerisprettylimprightnow.”
“Thatsentencemakessomuchsense.”
Thebellrangoverthedoor,andJess’sattentionflewtowardthesound.River.Sheglancedatherphone.Itwaswellpastnine.Hewaslate.
Bypassingthefrontcounter,hewalkedstraighttowardtheirtable.Hishairwasabitmoremussedthanusual,andhiseyeslookedheavyandred,buthisclotheswerepressed,hispostureperfect.Jesshatedhowquicklyhertraitorousbodywantedtoforgetabouthisabruptdepartureyesterday,hislackofcommunication,andjuststandupandstepintohisarms.
“Hey,”hesaidtoher,andthenturnedtoFizzy.“Iheardabouttheasshole.”
“TodayI’maffectionatelyreferringtohimasthedouchebaguette.”
“Well,Ididn’twantyoutogetanalert,soIdeactivatedyourmatchingfornow,andbannedthedouchebaguettefromtheplatform.Thesystemmayhaveaccidentallysentaduplicatereceipttohisbillingaddress,butIobviouslywouldn’tknowanythingaboutthat.Withanyluckhiswifeistheonegettingthemail.”
Fizzysmiledwarmlyathimandreachedforhishand.“IknewyouweremyfavoriteofJess’smanylovers.”
Jessjustsatthere,watchingthetwooftheminteractlikeeverythingwasnormal.Butitwasn’t.Hehadn’tlookedatheragain.Aroughfissurewasforminginthecenterofherheart.
Rivergaveanawkwardlaugh.“Well,thisisyoursifyouwantit.”HehandedFizzyanenvelopewiththecolorfulDNADuologoembossedononeside.
Wary,shetookitfromhim,turningitoverinherhands.“IsthiswhatIthinkitis?”
“It’syourcompatibilityscorewithRob.”
Shedroppeditlikeitwasonfire.“Ugh.Idon’tthinkIcanopenit.”
Truetotype,Riverdidn’tsayanything.Heonlystaredatherwithgentleempathy.“Yourcall.”
“Whatifitsayswe’reamatch?”Fizzysaid,heartbreakinglyvulnerable.“I’mnevergoingtobewithsomeonewhocheatedonhiswife,nomatterhowperfectbiologysaysweareforeachother.”Shesliditbackacrossthetable.“Justshredit.”
“You’resure?”heasked.Hedidn’treachtopickitup.
“IfyouthoughtyouandJessmightnotbesoulmates,wouldyouwanttoknow?”
LeaveittoFelicityChentohittheproverbialnailontheheadwithoutevenknowingit.
River’sgazeflewtoJess’sandthenaway,visiblypained.Hereachedfortheenvelope,tuckingitintohisblazer.“Maybe.Idon’tknow.”Whenhedraggedinastutteringbreath,itfelttoJesslikeshewaswitnessinghimfrayingattheedges.DidRiverneedaparticularscoretobesureabouther?
“CanItalktoyouforaminute?”Jessasked.
Hemethereyesandnoddedonce.
WithalittlewincetoFizzy—whowasnodoubtpickinguponeveryweirdvibetheywerethrowingoff—Jessfollowedhimoutthedoor,turningonhimassoonastheywereoutside.“Dude.”
“IknowIdidn’tcalllastnightandI’msorry,”hesaidimmediately,sendinganagitatedhandintohishair.“Itwasalottoprocess.”
“Wouldyouliketoshareanyofyourprocesswithme?”
“Headmittedeverything…allofit.HeandBrandonboth.”
Jessfeltunsteadywhereshestood.“Bothofthem?”Sheneededtositdown.
“TheyknewIwouldtakeitseriously.ThatI’d…”Hepaused,blowingoutabreath.“Thatforascorelikethat,Iwoulddomybesttotry.”
“Holyshit.”
“TheychangedthevaluesfromtheFuchses’assay.Theyweren’twrongthatitwouldbeahugeboostforthecompany.Idon’tevenknowwhatwe’refacing,honestly.”
“Whatwereouractualscores?”
Heshrugged.“Davidneverletanyofourassaysfinish.Hedidn’twantadatatrail.”
Jessstaredathim,stunned.Theydidn’tevenhaveascore?Ever?“Wasthisthefirsttimeorwerethereothers?Isthewholethingfake?”
Rivershookhisheadvehemently.“I’vehadmyhandsinallofthedatauntilaboutsixmonthsago,whenthingsgotmuchbusier,”hesaid,wordsallsmashedtogether.Jesshadneverseenhimlikethis:eyeswildandbloodshot,energytumultuous.WhateverpowerhadkepthimcomposedinTwiggswascrumblingouthereonthesidewalk.“Imean,untilIwasoutmeetingwithinvestorsconstantly.DaveandBrandonclaimourprofilesaretheonlyonestheyforged.”Hesentbothhandsintohishairnowandstareddownatthepavement.“I’llhavetoconfirmthat.”
“Idon’tunderstand.Iftheywereonlygoingtopickonesetofscorestofabricate,whyincludeme?You’regorgeousandcansellthisbetterthananyone.I’mathirty-year-old,brokesinglemother.Whynotkeepthingssimpleandpickamodel-slash-PR-superstar?”
“DavesawyouwhenyouandFizzycameintotheoffice,”Riversaid,voicetight.“Hethoughtyouwerebeautifulandwouldlookgreatoncamera.”
Jessthoughtbacktothatday.“Iwasinjeansandasweatshirt.Ilookedlikeafifthgrader.”
“Dave’sknownmeforalmostthirteenyears.Asheputit,he‘knewwhatI’dbeinto.’”
Herbrowsroseslowly.
Riverquicklyclarified.“Hemeantyou.Tobefair,hewasn’twrong.”Riverattemptedasmile,butatbestitwasagrimace.“Theideacementedwhentheylearnedmoreaboutyou.Astatistician,alocal,helpingtakecareofyourgrandparents.Theydidn’tknowaboutJunountillaterand—”
“AndIsaidIdidn’twantherinvolved.”
“Exactly.”Helookedbacktowardthecafé,eyesnarrowedagainstthemorninglight.“Youdidn’ttellFizzy?”
“WhatwouldItellher?Fiveminutesago,Iwasn’tevensurewhatwasgoingon.Besides,”shesaid,andsteppedforward,coaxingoneofhishandsfromhistightlycrossedarms,“thisisamessforyourcompany,butitisn’tamessforus.”Shetriedtopullhimcloser,buthewasastightasalock;nowhereinhispresentdemeanorwasherdeliberate,focusedboyfriend.“Hey.Lookatme.Nomatterwhatourscoreactuallyis,I’minforthelonghaul.Statisticscan’ttelluswhatwillhappen,theycanonlytelluswhatmighthappen.”
Hedidn’trespond,didn’tlookather.Instead,heloweredhisheadandcarefullypulledhishandfreefromhers.River’ssilencepresseddownallaroundher,heavyandchoking.
“Right?”shepressed.
Helookedup.“Ofcourse,yes.I’mjustamessthismorning.”
Shedidn’tfeelatallcomforted.“Whatwillhappentothem?”
“Theboardwillmeet,andwe’llhavesomereallydifficultconversations.Whattheydidwasunethicalatbestandillegalatworst.They’lllikelybereplaced,andallthedatafromthepastsixmonths—aboutfourteenthousandsamples—willhavetobererun.”Hepaled,staringdowntheenormityofit.
Aquestionbloomed,pushingitselfoutofhermouth.“Didyourunoursamples?”
“No,”hesaidimmediately.Flatly.“Itookmyprofileoffline.”
Jesscouldn’tdecidewhetherthatwasarelieforagutpunch.Theydidn’thaveascoreoftheirown,andnowtheyneverwould.ItwashardforhertoimaginethatRiverwouldn’tneedtoknowhiscompatibilityscorewithhisgirlfriend.
Unless…
“Oh.”Shestareddownattheirshoes—hispolished,hersscuffed.Theywereonlyacoupleoffeetapart,butitfeltlikehewasstandingamileaway.“Iguessthat’sthat.”
Hisrestlessenergybledintoherheartacheandmadeherfeelrestless,too.
“Go,”shesaid,finally.“It’salottodigest.”
Riverexhaledslowly,turninghisgazeuptoherface.“Itis.”
Hesearchedhereyesforalongbeatbeforebendingtodeliveraquickpeckonhercheek.AfterjoggingbackinsidetopickuphisAmericano,hedidn’tstopattheirtableagainonthewayoutthedoor.TWENTY-FOUR
STANDINGINVONSthenextevening,JesslookedupfromhergrocerylistandrealizedJunowasstillstaringatthehalfmileofcerealoptions.“Junebug,canyoupickone?Westillhavetodrivehome,unloadthis,andgetyoubathedandintobed.”Jessglancedatherwatch,dreadingtheamountofworkshestillhadtodowhenshegothome.WithhernightssuddenlyRiver-free,sheshouldhavebeenallcaughtup,withplentyoftimetospare.Andyet.Herfocushadbeenterrible,andwhenshewasn’tbusybeingsadandstaringoffintospace,shewashelpingJunowithhomeworkor,likeearliertonight,goingtothephysicalrehabilitationcenterwithNanaandPops.
Junogazedupatthecolorfulboxes,eyesnarrowedassheconsidered.Whenaseven-year-oldistoldforthefirsttimeintheirlifethattheycanpickwhatevercerealtheywant,it’sabigdecision.“Hmm.”Shetappedherchin.“CinnamonToastCrunchlooksgoodbutTrixisfruity.”Shereachedforthebox.“I’llgetTrix.”
“Youknowit’snotrealfruit,right?”
Herdaughter:everconfident.“Yes,itis.Look,itsays‘naturalfruitflavors.’”
Jesssavedthelessonontrickyadvertisingforabettermoodandtossedtheboxintothecart.
Ashockingamountofmoneylater,theywereloadinggroceriesintothetrunkwhenherphonerangwithanunknownnumber.“Goaheadandgetin.I’llfinish,”JesstoldJuno,andmotionedthatshehadacall.“Hello?”
“Jessie!”
TinnymusicfilledthelineandJessglancedatthenumberagain.“ThisisJessica.Whoisthis?”
“Jessie?It’sMama.”
“Mom?Icanbarelyhearyou.”
Inthebackground,thesoundofshufflingandmuffledlaugher,andthenJamiewasback,thelinequieterfromwhateverroomshe’dmovedto.Sheletoutanannoyedscoffandsoundedlikeshewasspeakingtosomeoneelsewhenshesaid,“Assholeswouldn’tturnitdown.”
Jessloadedthelastbagandleanedagainstthebackofhercar,listeningclosely.“Whosephoneareyouusing?Ididn’trecognizethenumber.”
“Igotanewone.Wasgettingsomanyunwantedcalls.Justallthetime.”
Jess’sheartsank.Billcollectors.ThiswasJamie’sthirdnewnumberinasmanyyears.AndnowthatJesscouldhearbetter,sheregisteredadefiniteslurring.
“Mom,areyoudrinking?”
HerJusalilbitcameoutasonefluidsyllable,meaningwhatshesaidnextlackedanycredibility:“Onlybeer.Notdrunk,though.Ipromise.”
Closinghereyes,Jesstookadeep,steadyingbreath,andthenslammedthetrunkshut.Somuchforcleanforeighteenmonths.
“Listen,Jamie,I’moutwithJuno,andwehaveacarfullofgroceries.Ihaveyournewnumbernow,soI’llcallyoulater.”
“No,wait.Baby,Ineedyoutocomegetme.”
Jessworkedtokeeptheannoyededgefromhervoice.“Sorry,Ican’ttonight.IneedtogetJunohomeandIhavealotofworktodo.Sleepitoff,andI’lltalktoyoutomorrow.”Sheturnedtotakethecartback.
“Jessie,IthinkI’mintrouble.”
Jessstopped.“Whatkindoftrouble?”
“Withthecops,”shesaid,soundinglikeshe’dputacuppedhandaroundthephone.“I’ddrivemyselfovertoyourplace,butIhadalittletodrinkandprobablyshouldn’t.”
Jessreturnedtothecar.“Mom,youcan’tcometomyplaceifthepolicearelookingforyou,areyouseriousrightnow?”
“That’sallyouhavetosay?”hermotherasked.“Aren’tyouevenalittlebitproudofme?”
Jess’smouthdroppedopenandforafewsecondsshehonestlyhadnoideawhattosay.“AmI—?Forgettingdrunk?Forhavingaproblemwiththepolice?”
“Fornotdriving,”Jamiesnapped.“Youknowwhat,nevermind.I’lljustwaittwentyminutesandthendrivemyself.”
“Mom,wait.”Jessclosedhereyes,countedtofive.Thesunwasalreadystartingtoset.NanaandPopswereoutwithsomeofhisnavyfriends;Fizzywasonadeadline,andJesscouldn’tkeeprunningtoheranyway.River—Riverwasapparentlyoutofthepicture.Shewasonherown.
“Don’tdrive,”shesaid.“Just…sendmetheaddress.I’llcomenow.”
THEADDRESSJAMIEsentwastoherfriendAnn’shouseinVista,overhalfanhour’sdriveaway.JesshadmetAnnafewtimesandknewshewasn’ttheworstofJamie’speople—shewas,afterall,responsibleenoughtohaveasteadyhome.Afewcarslitteredthelong,widedriveway—Jessdidn’tseeJamie’s,butthatdidn’tmeananything—andthesoundofclassicrockfilteredthroughtheopenwindows.
“Whosehouseisthis?”Junoasked,peeringthroughthewindshieldatthetwo-storyorangestuccohouse.Shescrunchedhernose.“Itsmellslikethatcomicbookshopwewentto.”
Weed.Itsmelledlikeweed.ButthatwastheleastofJess’sworries.
“It’sGrandmaJamie’sfriend’shouse.”Jesshelpedherdaughterfromthebackseatandtookherhand.“Iwantyoutoholdontomyhandthewholetime,anddon’ttalktoanyone.”Theymadetheirwayupthedriveway,butJessstopped.Whoknewwhattheywouldfindinside?“Just—don’tlookatanythingifyoucanhelpit.”
Junonodded,grippinghermom’shandinherclammylittleone.Jesstriedtokeepmostofthebadstufffromherkid,butJunoknewenoughaboutJamietonotasktoomanyquestions.
ThefrontdoorwaspartiallyajarandDefLeppardblastedsharplyoutontothefrontporch.JunogavehermomawaryfrownbeforeJesspushedthedooropenandtookastepinside.“Hello?”
Jamiewalkedaroundthecornerwithatumblerofamberliquidinherhand,butwhenshesawherdaughter,sheimmediatelyputitdownonaclutteredtable.Shewasbarefootandwearingaknee-lengthsundress;JesstightenedhergriponJunoassheglanceduneasilyaroundtheroom.Therewasamanpassedoutonacouch,awomaninthekitchenanxiouslypacingasshemurmuredintoaphone.Godonlyknewwhatwashappeningupstairs.“Getyourthings,Mom.Timetogo.”
JamiespottedJuno,andherfacebrightened,armswentwide.“There’smybabygirl.”Hervoicewastoobig,smiletoowide.“GiveGrandmaahug.”Junotookastepback,wrappingherarmsaroundJess’swaistandhidingbehindherlegs.Dejected,Jamiestraightenedandturnedherattentiontoherdaughter.“Didn’tthinkyou’dbeheresosoon.”
Jamiedidn’tseemfalling-downdrunk,buthercomplexionwaspallidandvaguelysweaty.Sheswayedwhereshestood.AsifreadingJess’sthoughts,Jamieswipedself-consciouslyatthemascarasmearedunderhereyesandrantwoshakinghandsthroughherhair.
“It’slate,”Jesssaidflatly.“It’saschoolnight.Everyoneinthishouseisprobablydrunkorhigh,includingyou.”
“Whydoyoualwaysassumetheworstofme?”
Jesswasn’tinthemoodtoargue.PickingupJuno,sheturnedtowardthedoor.“I’llbeinthecar.Ifyou’renotoutthereinthreeminutes,I’mleavingwithoutyou.”
Almostexactlythreeminuteslater,Jamiewalkedout,stillbarefoot,andclimbedintothefrontseat.Asshepassedinfrontoftheheadlights,Jesscouldinstantlyseethatshe’dlostweight.Jamiehadalwaysbeenslim,butshegotrailthinwhenshewasusing.
“Whereareyourshoes?”Jessasked,puttingthecarintoreverseandbackingoutofthedriveway.Notthatitmattered;Jesswouldn’tturnbackforthem.She’dgiveupherownshoesfirst.
Jamielookeddownatherdirtyfeetandfrowned.“Oh…I’mnotsure.”
IttookintenseeffortforJesstofocusondrivingsafely.Shewassofurious,sodisappointed,shewasafraidtoevenopenhermouth.AglanceintherearviewmirrorreassuredherthatJunowaswatchingLadyandtheTramponJess’siPhone,eyesheavywithexhaustionandheadphonesfirmlyinplace.Withanyluckshe’dbeasleepbeforetheywereevenonthefreeway.
ThemilespassedintensesilenceastheyheadedtowardJamie’sapartmentfartherinland—anewaddresssinceonlyahandfulofmonthsago.
“Youdidn’thavetocome,”Jamiefinallysaid,clearlytryingtosmooththingsoverbysittinguppin-straightandenunciating.Jesswasveryrarelymadather.Hermotherhadforgottenholidays,mostlymissedherhighschoolgraduation,andoutrightliedtoJessabouthersobrietymoretimesthanshecouldcount,butJessalwaysletitgo.Jamiewashermom.Shedidn’thaveanyotherchoice.
Butrightnow,Jesswassotired.“Youaskedmetocomegetyou.”
“IcouldhavecalledanUberorsomethinginthemorning.”
“Yousaidyouwereintrouble.”
“Idid?”
Jessexhaledaslow,calmingstreamofair.Itwasn’tworthgettingintoit.“Yousaidyou’vebeensoberforeighteenmonths,sowhatareyoudoingdrinkingatAnn’s?”
“Ihadonebeer.”Jamieletoutacurtlaughandturnedtowardthepassengerwindow.“Ofcourse,toyouthatruinseverything.You’realwayssoquicktojudge.”
“I’mnotjudging.I’mupsetthatIhaveahundredandfiftydollars’worthofgroceriesinmytrunk,includingfrozenstuffthat’sprobablyruined.I’mupsetthatIdroppedeverything,andinsteadofhavingmydaughterasleepinherownbed,Ihadtodraghertosomedrugparty,andyoucan’tevenbestraightwithme.What’sgoingon?Howonearthdidyougetintroublewiththepolice?”
“It’sastupidmisunderstanding.”
“Withwho?”
“SkinGlow,”Jamiesaid.“Iorderedsomeproducttosell.Butnowtheownersaysshe’sgoingtopresschargesifIdon’tpayher.It’sridiculous.HowamIsupposedtopayherforproductIhaven’tevensoldyet?”
“Product?”
“Somecreamsandserums,vitamins.Thatkindofstuff.”
“So,youboughtstockoncredit,andpayitbackfromtheprofit,I’mguessing?”
“Yeah.”
“Mom,I’msureallofthatisinthetermsofwhateveragreementyousignedtobuyit.”
Jamieshookherhead.“WhenIwentinfortheconsult,theysaidI’mreallygoodatsales,andshouldcomeinattheBluelevel.It’sareallybigdealtobetoldthat,trustme,andTrishunderstoodthatIwastakingonalotofinventory.”Sheliftedherchin.“ButIhadalotofpeoplewhowantedtobuythestuff,andalotmorewhoareinterestedinbuying,they’rejustwaitingtogetpaid.”
Jessfeltlikeshecouldn’tbreathe,likesheknewwhatwascomingbutdidn’twanttohearit.
“Somebillsgotalittleaheadofme,soIusedthemoneyfrommyfirstsalestocoverthem.Iwasplanningtopayitback.Ijusthaven’thadthechanceyet,andshe’sbeingsuchabitchaboutit.Shesaysshe’llreportalloftheinventoryasstolen.”Hermothersquintedoverather,indignant.“Canyouevenbelievethat?”
“Youorderedproduct,soldsome,andusedthemoneyforyourbillsinsteadofpayingfortheproductyouordered?”
Jamienodded,turningherfacetothewindowagain.“It’snotlikeI’mnotgoodforit.IfTrishtrustedmetocomeinatBluelevel,thenwhycan’tshetrustmetogettheseorderssold?”
Jesstightenedhergriponthesteeringwheel.“Howmuch?”Jamiedidn’tanswer,andice-colddreadslippedoverherskin.“Mom,howmuchdoyouowe?”
“Idon’tknow.Liketenthousand.”
Jessgapedather,eyeswidewithhorror,andhadtoswervetostayinherlane.“Tenthousanddollars?”
Rollinghereyes,Jamiemumbled,“Herewego.”
“Youorderedtenthousanddollarsinfacecream?Wholesale?”Jess…couldn’tevenwraphermindaroundthat.Andthenithither.
Trishwasmostlikelynottheonlypersonhermomowedmoneyto.
“Youhavetwofelonies,”Jesssaid,andherhandswereshakingonthewheelnow.“Californiaisathree-strikestate.Doyouunderstandwhatthatmeans?Ifthiswomanpressescharges,youcouldgotoprisonfortwenty-fiveyears.”
Jamiewavedthisaway.“It’snotgoingtocometothat.IjusthavetopayTrishback.”
“Mom—how?Howareyougoingtodothat?”
Hernostrilsflared,andsheclenchedherjaw.“I’llpayherbackoutofmycutoftheproductIhavelefttosell.”
“Youreallythinkyoucanselltenthousanddollarsofskincareproducttoyourfriends?”Jessglancedatherandthenbacktotheroad.Jamie’sfriendsdidn’thavemoney,either.
“Yeah,that’snotgoingtobeaproblem,seriouslyeveryonelovesthisstuff.ButImightneedyoutoloanittomesoIcangetheroffmyass—”
Tearinghereyesawayfromtheroadagain,Jesscried,“WhatintheworldmakesyouthinkIhavethatkindofmoneylyingaround?”
Jamiestudiedhershrewdly.Afteralongpause,shesaid,“Ifiguredyoucouldaskyournewboyfriend.”
Jessfeltlikeshe’dbeenpunchedinthechest.“What?”
“IsawtheTodayshow.”Jamiehadthenervetoappearwoundedwhenshelookedbackoveratherdaughter.“Theguywhostartedthatcompanythat’sgoingtobesuchabigdeal?”
Jesshadtopushthewordsupherthroat.“Idon’tknowifheandIare—”
“Youweren’tevengoingtotellme.ProbablybecauseyouassumedI’djustcometoyoulookingformoney.”
Shegapedattheblackasphaltahead,atthemilemarkershepassed,thespeedlimitsign.“Isn’tthatwhatyou’redoing?”
“Notforahandout!JesusChrist,Jessica,I’mtalkingaboutpayingitbackwithinamonth!IonlyneeditnowbecausefuckingTrishhasmebackedintoacorner!Hasn’tsheeverbeenlateonabill?Haven’tyou?”
Glancingintothebackseat,JesswasrelievedtofindthatJunohadfallenasleep.Sheturnedandstaredstraightahead,blinkingbacktears.Jesshadthemoney.She’dbeenholdingitforbracesandinsuranceandarainyday,butshestillhadit.
Whycan’tyoujustbemymom?
“It’sfine,”Jamiesaid.“I’llfiguresomethingoutorI’llgotoprison,buteitherwayit’snotyourproblem.”
Jessblinkeduptothemirroragain.Juno’smouthwassoftlyopen,herheadbobbinggentlywiththetinybumpsintheroad.Jesscouldn’tkeepdoingthisanymore.
“I’llgiveyouthemoney.”
Jamie’sfacewhippedtoJess.“Youwill?I’llpayyoubackwithmyfirstcheck.I’mtellingyou,Jessie,beforeallthishappenedTrishsaidshe’dneverseenanyoneselllikeme.”
Shepulledintotheapartmentcomplexthatmadeherownlooklikeapalaceandparkedinthefirstemptyspotshefound.“Don’tpaymeback,”Jesssaidflatly.“I’mgivingthistoyou.ButafterIdo,Idon’twantyoutocallmeanymore,andIdon’twantyoutocomeby.”
“What?Why—”
“I’lltransferthemoney,butthat’stheend.Idon’twanttoeverseeyouagain.”
Thecaridled,andthesilencestretchedbetweenthem.Jesshadnoideawhatelsetosay.WouldJamieevenpayherdebts,orwouldshetakethemoneyandrun?
Ithonestlydidn’tmatter.Jesswasdone.
Jamielookedathergranddaughterinthebackseat,andhergazeseemedtosoberasitmovedoverJuno’ssleepingface.
Resolved,sheturnedbackaround.“Youstillhavemyaccountnumber?”
SadnessandreliefbraidedhotandpainfulthroughJess’slimbs.“Yes.”
Hermothernoddedandslowlyfacedforwardagain.“Okay.”Herfingerswrappedaroundthedoorhandle.“Okay.”Shepusheditopenandsteppedoutintothedarkness.TWENTY-FIVE
SURPRISINGLY,THEWORLDdidn’tstopturningwhenJesscutoffhermother.
JunoandJessgotupthenextmorning,andgotreadyinasweet,easyrhythm.Junoseemedtoknowtobetenderwithhermom,anddidn’tneedtoberemindedtogetdressedorbringherdishestothekitchenorbrushherteeth.
SheheldJess’shandallthewaytoschool.
“Iwasthinkingwecouldgoouttodinnertonight,”Jesssaid,“justmeandyou.Somewherespecial.”
Withanenthusiasticnod,Junostretched,kissingJess’scheek,andthenranofftomeetupwithherfriends.
JesswatchedheruntilthebellrangandJunodisappearedintoherclassroom.Aftertransferringthemoney,Jesshadtoremindherselfthatshewasstillbetteroffthanshe’dbeenbeforeallthiscrazinessbegan.Shehadnewclients,newvisibility.Shecouldrebuild.
Shewasmuchbetteroffthanshecouldhavebeen,sheknew.Plus,shehadaprettyfuckingawesomekid.
SIXDAYSLATER,Fizzywhinedplaintivelyintoherfancyheadset:“Thissetupdoesn’tfeelthesame.”
JesslookedatFizzy’sgloweringimageoverZoomonheriPad.“Well,it’sthebestyouget.Yousaidyoudidn’twanttogoback.”
“Iknow,but…don’tyoumissDaniel?”
“AndgoodcoffeeandreliableWi-Fi?”Jessreplied.“Yes,ofcourseIdo.”
OtherthingsJessmissed:
Herboyfriend.
Hergoodmood.
Thetenthousanddollarsthathadbeeninhercheckingaccountafewdaysago.
Thepossibilitythathermotherwouldchange.
Fizzygrowledagainanddisappearedfromviewas,Jesspresumed,shelefttomakeherselfanothercupofmediocrecoffee.
ThreethingsFizzyremindedherofconstantlynowthatthey’dstoppedgoingtoTwiggs:
1.ShehateddripcoffeebutwastoolazytogetevenabasicNespresso.
2.HerWi-Fisucked.
3.Thelackofpeople-watchingkilledhermeet-cutemojo.
ButeventhoughJess’scoffeewasalsolesssatisfyingthanaTwiggsflatwhite,andshehadahardtimefocusingonworkatherdiningtable,shecouldn’tfinditinherselftogobacktoTwiggsandpretendlikethereweren’tamillionmemoriesimprintedoneveryscuffedsurface.TwiggswaswhereshemetRiver,whereshefirstgotthenotificationfromDNADuo,whereshesawhimlast,and—mostimportantly—wheresheabsolutelydidnotwanttoriskrunningintohimat8:24onaweekdaymorning.
Thoughtobetotallyfrank,itmightbeharderifJessfoundoutthathewasn’tgoingtoTwiggsatallanymore,either.Thathe’derasedeverybitoftheirsharedhistorycompletely.
Anditwasn’tlikeFizzywasgenuinelypushingtogoback.RobhadspreadhisgrosscheatervibesallovertheirtablebeforeFizzydousedhimwithicewater.God,Twiggshadbeentaintedbytheghostsoftheircarefreeformerselves.Theoneswho,twomonthsbefore,happilyogledAmericano,gossipedwithimpunity,hadn’thadtheirheartsbroken.Jessmissedthosewomen.
Butworkingfromhomewasn’tallbad.Jesswassavingmoneyandmightevenloseafewpoundswithoutherdailyintakeofblueberrymuffins.Shecouldworkathomewithherscreendooropen,wearingaT-shirtandnopantsbecauseitwaswarmoutsideandnopantsbeatpantseverytime.ShecouldbeatNanaJo’ssideintwentyseconds(afterputtingonpants)ifneeded.
JessandFizzypretendedtheyweresittingatthetabletogether;they’dtriedtoactuallyworktogetherinperson,butthey’dendeduponthecouchwatchingNetflixafteraboutahalfhour.Zoomwasbetterfordeadlines.
Herphonedingedonthetable,andsheglanceddownattheWellsFargonotificationjustasFizzyreturned.
Fizzysettledinherseatandadjustedherscreen.“What’sthatexpression?”
“Probablymymom’sbankacceptingthe—”Jesspaused,andbenttolookcloser.Achillranthroughher.“Um,no.Thisismereactingtotenthousanddollarsbeingdepositedintomyaccount.”
“Taxrefund?”Fizzyscrewedherfaceup,notunderstanding.
HadJamierefusedthemoney?Jesstappedopentheappandfeltherheartdrop.“Oh.It’saGeneticAllypayment.”
Fizzywentquietontheothersideofthescreen,eyeswide.“Yikes.”Andthenherbrowcleared.“But…convenienttiming?”
Lookingupather,Jesswinced.“Ican’tkeepthis.”
“Thehellyoucan’t,”Fizzyresponded.“Youkeptupyourendofthedeal.”
JessknewFizzywasright,butshewasn’tsureitmattered.Atleasttoher.“IwonderifRiverknowsthatthecompanyisstillpayingme?”
“Maybethatdetailgotlostinthescandal,”Fizzymumbled,blowingonherhotcoffee.
“Howawkwardwouldthatconversationbe?”sheasked.“‘Irealizeyou’reghostingmebutIjustwantedtosendonemorenotetothankyouforcontinuingtopaymetobeyourgirlfriend.It’snicetobejustheartbroken,insteadofheartbrokenandbroke.’”
Whatcouldherbestfriendsaytothat?So,theheartbrokentotheheartbrokensaidonly,“I’msorry,honey.”
Jessnearlystartledoutofherchairwhenasharpknockrappedonthescreendoor,jarringlyloud,followedbyadeep,smoke-scrapedvoice.“Hey-ho,Jess.”
“OhmyGod,”shehissed.“UPSishereforapickup,andIdon’thaveanypantson.”
Fizzyreachedforhernotebook,quietlywhisperingasshejotteddown:“UPSguy…no…pants.”Jessyankedhershirtasfardownherthighsasitwouldgo,grabbedtheshippingenvelopefromthetable,andshuffledtothedoor.
Pat—midfiftiesnow,kindeyes,anddeepwrinklesfromyearsofsunexposure—wasthesamedeliveryguythey’dhadfornearlyadecade.HeavertedhisgazeassoonasheregisteredthewayJesswashidingherlowerhalfbehindthedoor,andJesshandedhimtheenvelopewithsignedcontractsforKennethMarshall.“Sorry,”shemumbled.“Let’spretendthisneverhappened.”
“Deal.”Heturnedandmadehiswaydownthepathtothegate.
“MaybebeingawayfromTwiggsisn’tsobadformywritingmojo,”FizzysaidwhenJessreturnedtothetable.“ThatmightbethebeststarttoastoryI’vehadinacoupleweeks.MaybeI’llfinallybeabletowritesomethingotherthansexscenesthattransitionintoaggressiveandintentionalpenileinjury.”
“Pleasedon’twritearomancestarringmeandUPSPat.”
“Doyouknowthatpenisescanbefracturedandstrangled?”Fizzypaused.“Butdon’tGoogleit.”
“Fizzy,IsweartoGo—”
Ifpossible,Jessstartledevenharderwhenthesecondknockcame.DidIforgettotapethelabelon?Defeated,shecalledout,“Pat,holdon,Ineedtogoputonpants.”
Alow,quietvoiceresonateddownherspine.“Who’sPat?”
Jess’seyeswentwide,andsheturnedtogapeatFizzyonthescreen.
“What?”Fizzwhispered,anglingasifshecouldseethroughherscreentothedoor,movingsoclosethathernoseandmouthloomed.“Whoisit?”
“River!”Jesswhisper-yelled.
Fizzyleanedbackandmadeashooingmotionwithherhand,whispering,“Go!”
“WhatdoIsay?”Jesshissed.
“Makehimdothetalking!”Sheshadowboxedinherchairandforgottowhispertherest:“Fuckhim!TellhimIsaidso!”
Riverclearedhisthroatandofferedadry“Hi,Fizzy”throughthescreendoor.
“Oh,great.”Growlingather,Jessstood,stompedovertothedoor,andjerkeditopen.
Riverstaredatherfaceandthendroppedhiseyesbeforeimmediatelylookingbackup.Ahotblushcrawleduphisneck.Right.Pants.Andastheystoodfacingeachother,Rivermadeavaliantefforttonotlethiseyesdropbelowhershouldersagain.
Or…maybeitwasn’tvaliant.Maybeitwasn’thardatall.Maybeforhim,turningofffeelingswaslikeflickingtheswitchoffattheendofanexperiment.
Scoreoverninety:intereston.
Scoreunknown:interestoff.
“Hi,”Jesssaid.Well,evenifhecouldshutoffhisfeelings,thesamewascertainlynottrueforher.Ifanything,herloveforRiverhadsomehowsolidifiedintoabrickinherchest:Ifshewasn’ttrulyinlovewithhim,thenwhydidshecryherselftosleepeverynight?Whywashethefirstpersonshe’dwantedtoholdwhenshefinallygothomefromdroppingJamieofftheothernight?
Butatthesightofhim—howJesscouldimmediatelytellhe’dgottenahaircutrecently,howhewasstillthemostgorgeousmanshe’deverseen,evenwiththedarkcirclesunderhiseyes,andhowbeingthisclosetohimstillmadeacordoflongingpulltightfromherthroattoherstomach—thesadnessmeltedawayandshewasangry.Morethanangry,Jesswaslivid.Ithadbeeneightdays.Eightdaysofcompletesilencefromsomeonewho’dtoldherhehadn’tfeltlikehe’dbeenhomeinforeveruntilhemether.Who’dkissedherlikeheneededhertobreathe.Whosaid“Iloveyou”outoftheblueanddidn’ttrytotakeitback.Andthenheleft.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Hisjawclenchedandheclosedhiseyes,swallowingwitheffort.“Doyou…wanttogoputonpants?”
Jessstaredathim,mutewithshock.Thiswasthefirstthinghesaidtoher?Gogetdressed?Honestly,beingconfrontedwiththeuppity,assholeversionofRivermadeitsomucheasiertodialdowntheloveandcrankupthehate.
“No.”Jesswaitedforhimtolookatherfaceagainandthenputahandonherhip,deliberatelyignoringwhenhershirtroseup.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Riverexhaledshakily,blinkingtothesideandthenlookingbacktoher.“DoyoumindifIcomein?”
Herfirstinstinctwastotellhimthatshedidmind.Shemindedverymuch,infact,becausehavinghiminherspacewouldremindherthathe’dstartedtreatingitlikehisspace,too.She’dthrownoutthedeodoranthe’dleftinherbathroom,thesocksshe’dfishedoutofthelaundrybasket,theoatmilkhe’dkeptinherfridge.Butsheknewtheyneededtohavethisconversation.Theyhadtobreakup,officially.
Steppingtotheside,Jesslethiminandthenturnedandstalkeddownthehall,callingout,“Staythere.”
Whenshereturned,shehadpantson,buthermood,ifanything,haddarkened.WalkingpastJuno’sroomwaslikepouringlemonjuiceonacut.Riverhadn’tjustvanishedfromJess’slife;he’dvanishedfromherkid’s,too.Herlittlegirlwho’dneverbeenleftbeforehadlosttwopeopleinaweek.WoulditbehittingbelowthebelttotellhimthatJunohadaskedtoseeRivernofewerthanfourtimes?JessberatedherselffortellingJunoabouttheirrelationshipatall.
Jessfoundhimperchedontheedgeofthecouchcushion,handspinnedbetweenhisknees.Helookedupatherandseemedtorelaxthesmallestbit,shouldersslumping.
“Whyareyouhere,River?”
“Iwashopingwecouldtalk.”Hesaiditlikeitwasobvious,butwashekidding?
Herjawdropped.“WhatdoyouthinkIwastryingtodowhenIcalledyoulastweek?WhenItexted?Youneverreplied.”
Hetookadeepbreathandletitoutslowly.“Iwasn’tready.”
“Oh?”shesaidinquietshock.“Iwasheretotallylosingmymindthinkingwewereover.Iwasheartsick,River.AmIsupposedtofeelbetterhearingthatyoudidn’tcallbecauseyouweren’treadytohavearelativelysimpleconversation?”
“Jess,comeon.Yousaiditwasalottodigest,too.Iwasneck-deepindata.Andwhenyoudidn’tcallagain,I—Iwasn’tsurewhetheryouneededspace.”
“Donotmakemethebadguyhere.”Sheimmediatelypointedherfingerathim.“Igetthatthisthrewyou—”
Hiseyesflashedashecutin.“Doyou?”
“OfcourseIdo.Itthrewme,too!”
“Itisn’tthesame,”hesaid,voicesharp.
“Maybenot,butyouhadnorighttodumpmethewayyoudid.”
“What?”Hiseyeswentwide.“Ididn’tdumpyou.”
“Realitycheck:Whensomeonegoescompletelysilentforeightdays,itisn’tbecausethey’reoffplanninganelaborategrandgesture.”Crossingherarms,Jessleanedagainstthewall.“Andyouknowthat,River.IrealizethatI’measytoleave,butIwashopingyouwerebetterthanthat.”
Helookedlikehe’dbeenpunched.“Youaren’t‘easytoleave.’Noneofthishasbeenaboutmyfeelingsforyou.Iwasatotalfuckingwreckaboutwork,worryingwewouldhavetodisclosethetampering,worryingmyentirecompanywouldgounder.”
Jesslookedaway,clenchingherjawwhileshestrugglednottocry.Wasshebeingunfair?Hisentireworldhadcomeapart,butshecouldonlyfocusonalltheshrapnelheleftinher.“Iunderstandthat,butitdoesn’tmakemyfeelingsanylessvalid,”shesaid,carefultokeephervoicefromtrembling,“Ihadareallyshittyweek.Ineededyou.Evenifyouweregoingthroughit,too,Ineededyou.Andyoudon’tgettodothat,youknow?Justvanish?Rememberthisforthenexttime,withthenextwoman.Ifyousayfeelingslike‘love,’youowehermorethanwhatyougavemethisweek.”
Hestaredatherinconfusionforafewlongmomentsbeforebendingandputtinghisheadinhishands.“Iknowitdoesn’tchangeanything,”hesaidquietly,“butIfeltshattered.”Hedidn’tmoveforseverallongmoments.“Iwastotallyhumiliated,Jess.Yes,it’sjustdata,butitwasthecruelestthingtheycouldhavedone.PeopleI’veknownandtrustedfornearlyfifteenyearstookadvantageofmygenuinebeliefinthistechnology.TheymanipulatedmepersonallyandtheprojectI’vespentmyentireadultlifeon—becausetheyknewthatifIgotthatscore,Iwoulddoeverythinginmypowertoexplorethepersonalimplicationofit.”Riverlookedupather,andJesssawthathiseyeswerered-rimmed.“Igotcrushedasascientistanddupedasaman.Ifeltliketheentireworldwas”—hecoughed—“laughingatme.”
“Iwasn’tlaughingatyou,”Jessremindedhim.“Wewerealreadysomuchmorethananumberonapieceofpaper.Andifyou’dcometome,youwouldhavehadsomeoneinyourcorner,readytofightanyonewhohurtyou.Readytofightforyou.”
“Ididn’tevenknowhowtounderstanditinmyownmind.I—I—”Hestruggledtofindthewords,sittingupandlookingatherinearnest.“Ididn’tleavemyofficefordays.IporedthrougheverylineofdatafromeveryGoldorhigherpairingwe’vehad.SanjeevandIreransamplestwenty-fourhoursadaytomakesurethecompanywasn’tgoingtohavetofold.”
“Youstillcouldhavecalled.”
Heopenedhismouthtodefendhimselfandthenexhaled,tiltinghisfacetotheceilingbeforemeetinghereyes.“Icouldhave.Ishouldhave.I’msorry,Jess.TimejustfliesformewhenI’mlikethis.ButI’veonlybeenhometoshowerandchange.”
Shecouldn’thelpbutlethergazerise,studyinghisnewhaircut.
Heshookhishead,understandingimmediately.“Igotahaircutjustbeforecomingtoseeyou.”
“Soyoucouldlookhandsomeforourbreakup?”
Abruptly,Riverstood.“Isthatwhatyouthinkthisis?”
Jessletoutasharpbreath.“I’msorry,what?”
“We’rebreakingup?”heasked,voicetight.
“Whataretheotheroptions?”Shepretendedtocheckherwatch.“Imean,it’salittlelateforourstandingsexdate,andit’sbeenaweirdweek,butwhynot,foroldtimes’—”
“Jess,”herasped,“stopit.”
Shecrossedtheroomandgotrightupinhisface.“Youstopit.Whyareyouevenhere?Igetthatyouneededspace.ButIfellinlovewithyou.Junofellinlovewithyou.”Hereactedlikehe’dtakenashovetothestomach,andJesspushedon.“Doyouknowwhatthatmeans?”Shepressedherfingertipstoherchest,mortifiedwhenherthroatstartedtoburn.“Iopenedmylifetoyou.Igaveyouthepowertogutmeifyoudisappeared,andyouknewthat,andyoudiditanyway.Iunderstandthatyouwerestruggling,too.Butjustaword—atext—andIwouldhavewaited.”
Hescrubbedhishandsoverhisface.“IwishI’dhandleditdifferently.Ifuckedup.”
“Youdid.”
“I’msorry.”Hebowedhishead.“Ididn’tknowhowyou’dfeelonceyouweren’tobligatedtobewithme.”
Thatpulledherupshort.“River,Ineverfeltobligatedtobewithyou.Notthewaythatweweretogetherbytheend.”
Hetookastepcloser,growling,“Stopcallingittheend.”
“Idon’tunderstandwhatyouthinkishappeninghere!Youdon’tgettodropoffthefaceoftheearthforaweekandthenactconfused.”
“Doyourememberwhatyousaidtomethelasttimewesaweachother?”heasked,closingthedistancebetweenthem.“Yousaid,‘Statisticscan’ttelluswhatwillhappen,theycanonlytelluswhatmighthappen.’Andyouwereright.ADiamondMatchissorarethattworandompeoplearetenthousandtimesmorelikelytofindtheirsoulmatewithaBaseMatchthantheyaretoeverscoreaboveaninetywithsomeoneelse.”
“Icouldhavetoldyouthat,”Jesssaidquietly,addingwithareluctantsmile,“AndIbetyoudidn’tevenusetherightanalysistocalculateit.”
Helaugheddryly.“IguessIneededtoseeitformyself.”
Jesscouldn’thelpbutgivehimanexasperatedlook.
Tentatively,hesmiled.Butitebbedawayinthefaceofherstonysilence.“Doyoureallywanttobreakup?”
Jesshadnoideawhattosaytothat.Shehadn’texpectedtobegiventheoption.She’dthoughtitwasadonedeal.“Ididn’t,but,Imean—”
“It’sayesorno,”hesaid,butgently,reachingforwardtotakeherhand.“Andformetheanswerisano.Iloveyou.IloveJuno.Ineededtogetmyheadonstraight,butonceIdid,thefirstpersonIwantedtotalktowasyou.”
“Aboutaweekago,”Jesssaid,“mymomcalled.Shewasdrunkatafriend’shouseinVista.Ihadtodriveuptogetheronaschoolnight,walkintoahousefulloffucked-uppeoplewithmyseven-year-old,andgivemymothertenthousanddollarssoshecouldavoidbeingarrestedforstealingahugeamountofmerchandise.”
Riverpaled.“What?”
“ItoldherthatifIgaveherthemoney,shewasnevertocontactmeorJunoagain.WhenIcamehometogetmyheadonstraight,thefirstpersonIwantedtotalktowasyou.ButIdidn’thavethatoption.”
Tohiscredit,Riverdidn’twinceorfrownortensehisjawdefensively.Hejustswallowed,noddedonce,andabsorbedit.“Ishouldhavebeenhere.IhatethatIwasn’t.”
“HowdoIknowyou’llbeherethenexttime?”sheasked.“Igetthatthiswasterribleforyou.Icanabsolutelyimaginehowyoudon’tevenlookupwhenyou’reinaworkpanic.ButIreally,trulywantedtobethepersonyouturnedtoduringallofthis.Andyousaidityourselftomeonce:Badthingshappenallthetime.That’slife.So,ifsomethinghugehappensatwork,andyoudon’tknowhowtoprocessit,doIhavetoworrythatyou’regoingtoretreatintoyourselfandnotspeaktomeforeightdays?”
“No.I’mgoingtoworkonthat.Ipromise.”
Jessstaredupathim.Darkeyes,thicklashes,fullmouth.Thatsmoothneckshefantasizedaboutlickingandbitingherwaydowntotheworld’smostperfectlymuscledcollarbones.Insidethatcraniumwasagenius-levelbrain,and—whenhelethimselfoutofthelabforabreath—RiverPe?ahadtheemotionaldepthofamanwho’dalreadylivedanentirelifetime.Hetalkedstatswithher,andthelittleheartthatwatchedstorieswithhisabuelastillbeatinhischest.Helovesme,andhelovesmykid
“Idon’twanttobreakup,either,”Jessadmitted.
Hebowedhishead,exhalingslowly.“OhmyGod.Ireallywasn’tsurewhichwaythatwasgoingtogo.”Reachingforward,hecuppedthebackofherneckandgentlyguidedherforward,intohisarms.“Holyshit,aboutyourmom.I…thisisabiggerconversation,Iknow.”
“Later,”Jesssaid,pullingbackandrestingherhandonhischest.“Isthecompanygoingunder?”
Heshookhishead.“Intheend,theyonlyfabricatedourscore.Everythingelsereproducedwithinthestandardmarginoferror.”
ThenextquestionJesshadroseshakilytothesurface.“Didyoueverrunoursamplestogether?”
“Idid.”Reachingintohisblazerpocket,hepulledoutasmallsealedenvelope.“Foryou.”
Apotentmixtureofdreadandexcitementstreakedthroughher.“Doyouknowwhattheansweris?”
Heshrugged,smiling.
“Isthatayesorano?”
Noddingonce,Riveradmitted,“Ido.Ididn’ttrustanyoneelsetorunit,butIworriedsomeonewould,eventually,outofcuriosity.”
Chewingonherlip,shefoughttheinternalbattle.Shouldshelook?Shouldshenot?Voicetight,Jesstoldhim,“Idon’tcarewhatourscoreis.Ineverhave.”
Helaughed.“Sodon’tlook.”
“Doyoucarewhatourscoreis?”
Riverslowlyshookhishead.“No.”
“It’seasyforyoutosaythatbecauseyou’veseenit.”Shepaused.“Doesthatmeanit’sbad?”
Againheshookhishead.“No.”
“Isitsomethingwild?Liketheninety-eightwasactuallyright?”Hepaused,chewedhislip,andthenslowlyshookhisheadathirdtime.Jessblewoutafrustratedbreath.“Doyoufeelbetteraboutitnow?”
“Jess,”hesaidgently,“allyouhavetodoisopentheenvelopetoknow.”
Shesqueezedhereyesclosed.“Idon’twantto.Iunderstandthatyouneededtoseethedata,butIhatethatyouneededtoseeittochooseme.”
Hequicklyreacted,shootinganarmaroundherwaist.“Idon’t.I’mtellingyou;thisscoredoesn’tmattertome.IloveyoubecauseIloveyou,whetherornotI’msupposedto.”
Jesssquintedupathim,pickingthesewordsapart.“Okay,I’mgoingtoassumethatwe’reaBaseMatch.”
Henodded,satisfied,andputtheenvelopeaway.“Soundsgood.”
“Arewe?”
Rivergrinned,saying,“No,”andshegrowled.
Hisexpressionsoftened,andheglancedathermouthandthenbackuptohereyes.“Doyouwantmetotellyouornot?”
“Not.Youknowwhatwestatisticianssay:allmodelsarewrong,butsomeareuseful.”Helaughed.“Idon’twanttoknowthescore,River.”
“Iwon’teverofferagain.”Hesteppedforwardandwrappedhisotherarmaroundherwaist.“CanIdothis?”
Jessnodded,lookingupathimthroughherlashes.Itfeltsogoodtohavehimthisclose.Whensheclosedhereyes,shewasabletofocusonthedesirethrummingthroughherbloodlikeadrug.TheyhadhoursbeforeJunocamehome.
Shereachedforwardandranherhanduphischest,alonghisneck,andtracedhislowerlipwithherthumb.“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere.”
“Imissedyou.”
“I’vebeenherethewholetime.”Shegentlypinchedhischin.
“I’mfeelingincrediblyclingy.”Riverbentandrestedhislipsoverhers.“Iloveyou.”
Emotionwelledupinherthroat,andJesswrappedherarmsaroundhisneck.“Iloveyou,too.”
“FYI,”adisembodiedvoicesaidfromtheiPad,“ifyouthinkIhaven’twrittendowneverywordofthis,you’rebothhigh.”
WITHASMIRK,RiverturnedandwalkedovertotheiPad,endingtheZoommeetingwithaquicktapofafinger.WhenhelookedbackatJess,hissmileimmediatelytookonaravenousedge.“GuessIwasn’ttheonlyonewhoforgotshewasthere.”
Jess’s“Sorry”dissolvedbetweenthemasRiverstalkedovertoher,gazedarkening;adrenalinepouredwarmandinsistentintoherbloodstream.Slidinghisarmsaroundherwaist,heleanedintokissherneck.“Whatisitwithusandaudiences?”
“Idon’tknow,butIsureamgladwedon’thaveonenow.”Sheclosedhereyes,focusedonthesweet,tinykisseshedroppedonherskin,fromhercollarboneuptoherjaw.
Bendingandreachingaroundtothebackofherthighs,Riverliftedher,wrappingherlegsaroundhiswaisttocarryherdownthehall.“Thisokay?”
“Ifby‘this’youmeanmakeupsexwithnochildinthehouse,thenyes.Itisveryokay.”
Ashewalked,theirkissestookonthekindofaching,bruised-lipintensitythattoldJess,evenmorethanhiswordshad,howmuchhemissedher.Butwhenhesetherdownonthebed,andbracedoverherinthathungrywayofhis,heliftedagentlehandtocoaxafewstrandsofherhairoutofherfaceandsaid,“Weneverreallytalkedaboutit—itwassounimportantatthetime—butIhaven’treallybeeninarelationshipsincewefoundedGeneticAlly.”
Jesspushedbackintothepillow,staringupathim.“Seriously?”
Rivernodded.“Workwaseverything,”hesaidcarefully.“Ijustwasn’temotionallyengagedanywhereelse.Untilyou.So,Iknowitisn’tanexcuse,butnowIknowtobeawareofitifwehaveanotherworkcrisis.”Hepaused,reconsidering.“Whenwehaveanotherworkcrisis.Islippedbackintothatmodesofast,everythingelsefellaway.Untilthismorning,Ithoughtithadonlybeentwoorthreedayssincewespoke.”
Jesshadtotakeabeattoabsorbthis.“Whydidn’tyoutellmethatthesecondyouwalkedinthedoor?”
“IwantedyourforgivenessbeforeIdefendedmyself.”
Shereachedup,bringingahandaroundhisneckanddrawinghimdowntoher.Hiskissstartedslow,hislipsabsorbingherrelievedexhale,butthenheopenedtotasteher.
TheflirtatiousteaseremindedJesssomuchofwhatithadfeltliketomakelovetohim,howhecouldbecommandingandsweetinanalmostimpossiblebalance.Herhandsturnedgreedy,movingupunderhisclothes,pushingthemoff.Shewantedhisskinrightupagainsthers,smoothandwarmwithfriction.Theygottherequickly,baretogetherinastretchofafternoonsunlightstreakingacrossherbed.Riverreachedwithalongarmforherbedsidetable,andthenkneeledinfrontofher,tearingthecondomwrapperwithhisteeth.
Jesstrailedherfingersupoverherownstomach,bitingherlipasshelooked.“Ireallyenjoywatchingyoudothat.”
Hegrinneddownathishands.“Yeah?”Andthenheshifted,bracingapalmnearherhead,andbent,kissingher.“IthinkIpreferwatchingyoudoit.”
Hissmilelingered—playfulandseductive—andthatfamiliar,chargedpulseechoedinherlikeasecondheartbeat.Withenduringfocus,Rivermoved,teasingatfirst,staringtransfixedatthelookofblissonherface.Hewatchedherfallandthen,exhalingabreathofdisbelief,turnedhisfacetotheceilingandfollowedherintopleasure.
Hestayedoverherforalongtime,armscagingherprotectively,hisfacepressedtoherneck.Oncethey’dbothcaughttheirbreath,hedealtwiththecondomandthenreturnedexactlywherehe’dbeen.Jesshadneverhadthisbefore:someonewhowas,withoutquestion,hers.Sheheldhimwithherarmsbandedaroundhiswaistandlegsdrapedlazilyaroundhisthighs,wordlesslyfallingbackinlove.
WHICHMEANTTHATtheywokeuplikethisagoodwhilelater,stiffandhotandgroaning.Riverrolledaway,fallingontohisbackandreachinguptocupthebackofhisstiffneck.Besidehim,Jessattemptedtostraightenherlegs,whimpering.
“Idon’twanttosoundparanoid,”shesaid,“butIswearsomeonemust’vehituswithaBenadryldartfrommydoorway.Weliterallyjustpassedout.”
Helaughed.“Ihaven’tnappedlikethatsinceIwasinkindergarten.”Rollingtofaceher,hepulledhercloseagain,withsweet,sleepyeyes.“Ithinkourbodiesneededourbrainstoshutdownforafewminutes.”
“Ithinkyou’reright.”Jesskissedhim,unabletoclosehereyes.Shethoughtshe’dfeltsecureinthisbefore,butthelovethey’djustmadecementedsomethingdifferentbetweenthem.Withthetipofherfinger,shetracedtheshapeofhisjaw,hismouth,andthenathoughtoccurredtoher.“CanIaskyousomethingaboutthecompany,ordoyouwanttostayinthebubblealittlelonger?”
“Iplantoliveinthisbubblewithyou,soaskanythingyouwant.Itwon’tharshmyJessbuzz.”
Shegrinned,butthenitfaded.“What’shappeningwithyourexecutiveteam?”
“DavidandBrandonaregone.TheboardfiredthemthesamedayIsawyouatTwiggs.Tiffany,too.”
Jessgasped.“Sheknew?”
“Ithinkshesortofhadto,”Riversaid,andreacheduptorubhiseyes.“Theonlyonesleftfromtheoriginalteamareme,Lisa,andSanjeev.”Whenhepulledhishandaway,hegazedather,unguarded,andJesscaughtaglimpseofjusthowexhaustedhewas.“WebroughtonageneticistfromUCSDandtheheadofchemistryfromGenentechtositontheinterimboard.I’vebeenpromotedtoCEO.SanjeevwillstepupasCSO.We’rebringingonanewheadofmarketing,who’llhopefullystartinthenextweek.”
“Areyougoingtohavetomakesomesortofofficialannouncement?”
“Yeah,tomorrow.We’rejustwaitingonAmaliatoconfirmtheCMOpackagewe’veoffered,andthenthenewexecutiveslatewillgouponoursite.”
Sheshookherhead.“No,Imeantanannouncementabouttheresults.”
“Theresults?”Hisbrowspulledtogetherinconfusion.
“Just—”Jessfaltered,hopingthiswasn’tinsensitiveorintrusive.“Imean,whatabouttheU-T,andtheTodayshow,andthePeopleissuecomesoutFriday,right?”
Riverlookedbackandforthbetweenhereyesforasecond,andthensaidquietly,“WehadtoincludeitintheIPOaudit,butotherwise,no.We’renotmakingastatementonthat.”
“Isthat…”Again,shehatedthepossibilitythatthiswouldinsulthim.“Isthatlegal?Imean—”
“Jess.”
“—theoriginalscoreaffectedyourvaluationand—”
Heleanedin,kissedherslowly,andthenpulledback.“GeneticAllyisn’tgoingtoreleaseastatement.”
Uneaseballoonedinherchest,makingherfeellikeaboatonrockywater.Washespeakinginlegalese?“Okay,”shesaid,frowning.
Hestudiedherreactionandchewedhislip,smiling.“Stopit.”
“Stopwhat?”shesaid,blinkinguptohiseyes.
“Iknowwhatyou’rethinking.ThatI’mbeingunethicalorevasive.I’mnot.Youjusthavetotrustme.”
“Ido,it’sjust—”
Hequietedherwithanotherkiss,alongerone,deepandsearchingwithhishandcuppingherjawandhistorsorisingbackoverhers.“Listen,Idon’tknowhowtoanswerthisquestionanyotherway,soI’mjustgoingtokissyouuntilyoustopasking.”
“I’msaying,becauseIloveyouandIdon’twantyourcompanyto—”
“Jess.”Hekissedheragain.Aloud,definitivesmooch.“You’vetoldmeyoudon’twanttoknowourresults.”Hestaredatherintently.“So,youhavetoletthisonego.”
Inshock,shewatchedhimpushupandclimboutofbed,smirkingoverhisshoulderatherbeforewalkingtothebathroom.Sheheardthewaterrunning,andtheentiretimeJessstaredunfocusedatthedoorwayhe’djuststeppedthrough.Theyweren’tgoingtoreleaseastatement.Riverdidn’tseemtothinktheywouldneedto.Didthatmean…?
Herhearthadsomehowtransformedintoabirdinsideher.
Riverreturnedandreachednearthefootofthebedforhisboxers,pullingthemon.Jesshadamillionquestionsbutcouldn’taskanyofthem.
Well,maybeonemore.Shefrownedashesteppedintohispants.“Areyou…goingintowork?”
Hebuckledhisbeltand,beforereachingforhisshirt,bentovertokissheragain.“No.I’mnotgoingintowork.”Straightening,hewentsilentforasecond,andthensaid,“ButdoyouthinkitwouldbeokayifIgotJunofromschool?”
Jessboltedupright,divingforherphone.Shit.Theyhadtwominutestomaketheseven-minutewalk.
“Imean,”heclarified,“Iwanttogogether.”
“Iknow.Justletme—”Shestood,reachingforherclothes.
“Jess.”Puttinghishandsonhershoulders,heeasedherbackontothebed.“I’msayingIwanttogether.Letmehelpyou.”Andthenheranhishandsthroughhishairandtookadeep,steadyingbreath.“Ifthat’sokay.I’vegottofixthingswithbothofmygirlstoday.”TWENTY-SIX
TwoMonthsLater
INTHECOMMOTIONofparentspassingbyandkidsjabberingexcitedlyabouttheircreations,FizzyslidasmallplasticitemintoJess’shand,thencurledherfingersaroundit.“Surprise!”
JessstareddownattheUSBdrive,comingtoastopinthecrowdedhallway.“IsthiswhatIthinkitis?”
“IfwhatyouthinkitisisthenewestFelicityChennovel,BasePaired,aboutahotscientistandasexysinglemommakingaloveconnectionthroughaDNA-baseddatingapp,”Fizzysaid,“thenyes.”
Riverhoveredbehind,leaningacuriouschinoverJess’sshoulder.“Isitasdirtyasyourotherbooks?”
Fizzynoddedproudly.“Probablydirtier.”
Hiseyebrowswentup.“It’shardtoknowwhetherIshouldbeweirdedoutbythat,”hemused,“orproud.”ReachingaroundJess’swaist,RivertooktheUSB.“I’llstartittonight.”AtJess’slook,headded,“Consideritresearch.”
Jesslaughed,andhisbighandcamearoundhers,guidingherthroughthemazeoftablesandexhibits,knowingexactlywheretogobecausehe’dbeenhereatoneo’clockthatafternoonhelpingJunosetup.Foralmostamonth,RiverandJunohadworkedtirelesslyontherollercoaster.TosuggestthathehadgrownmoreinvestedinitthanJunohadwouldbeunfair—shewas,afterall,oftenfoundawakewhenshewassupposedtobeinbed,triple-checkingtheglueonanyoneofthetwothousandpointsofcontactbetweenallofthePopsiclesticks—buthehadalsobeenpredictablyintenseaboutit.Theyhadabandonedthearttapeforsomethingsturdier(read:biggerandfaster),andhadbuiltfourdifferentcarstotestonthecoasterbeforefinallysettlingonwheelsthathadtobeorderedfromGermany.Inthehallcloset,JessnowhadthreeremainingboxesofHO-gaugemodeltraintrackshehadnoideawhatshewoulddowith
Intheend,thecoasterwasmorethanfourfeetlongandtwofeettall.Ithadbeenpainstakingwork,andafterafewnightsofwatchingthemwithovary-burstingbliss,Jesshadfinallyregisteredthatherpresencewasn’tatallneededandspentthetimehappilyreadingorwatchinghershowsaloneinbed.Whentheprojecthadfinallybeencompletedthreenightsago,Rivertookthembothforicecreamtocelebrate.
SosheknewbetterthantothinkevenGeneticAlly’sofficialIPOthenextdaywouldkeephimaway.Still,theyhadacompanydinnertonight,andsheexpectedRivertobeattheofficeuntilwellpastmidnight—andprobablygoneagainbeforeJesswasawake.Thestartingpriceforthestockwashigherthaneventheunderwriterhaddreameditcouldbe,andeveryonewasontenterhookshopingitwouldn’tdropintheaftermarket.Ifitheldsteady,orclimbed,theoriginalGeneticAllyteam—minusDavid,Brandon,andTiffany,who’dbreachedanimportantcontractualclause—wouldeachbeworthtensofmillionsovernight.
“Whattimedoyouneedtoleave?”sheasked.
Heshruggeddistractedly,andshewasn’tabletopesteranansweroutofhimbecausethentheywereatJuno’stable,andbothRiverandJunowerebeamingwithsuchpridethatforasecondJesswantedtoaskwhosesecond-gradeart-scienceassignmentithadbeen.Buthowcouldsheteasethosefaces?Asparents,teachers,andfellowstudentscamearoundtheroomtohearJuno’spresentation—Riverwasobedientlyquietbutstoodproudlynearby—Jessfelttheweightofthepastfewmonthspressdownonherchestlikeasandbag.Destinycouldalsobeachoice,she’drealized.Tobelieveornot,tobevulnerableornot,togoallinornot.TearsprickedthesurfaceofhereyesandsheturnedtoFizzy,pretendinganeyelashhadgotteninone.Fizzy,tohercredit,pulledatissueandamirroroutofherpurse,allowingJessherdignity.
“He’sprettyamazing,”Fizzyagreedinawhisper.ShewatchedRiverwithoutatraceoftightnessorenvyinherexpression;aftermovingonfromtheRobdebacle,Fizzyhadrealizedshewasreadyfortherealdeal,updatedherDNADuocriteria,andwasconfidentherownTitanium-or-higherwasn’ttoofaraway.
Whenthejudgeswerefinishedviewingtheprojectsandtabulatingthescores,studentswereencouragedtofindtheirfamiliesandwaitintheauditoriumforresults.
Itwasafamiliarscene:rowsoffoldingchairsandexcitedchatter.Youngerkidsdartedbetweentheaisleswhileparentstooktimetocatchupwitheachother.Itwasn’ttoofarintherearviewmirrorwhenanightlikethiswouldhavestokedtheembersoflonelinessandbeenfollowedbydaysofsmolderinginherowninsistencethatSingleWasBetter.Buttonight,shefeltlikethecontentedheartofaverysturdyfamily.Herperfectvillagetookupanentirerow:NanaJoandPopsattheendoftheaislewithNana’sscooter;Fizzyonherleft,andRiver,thenJunoonherright.Nobufferzoneofemptychairsanymore.
“I’mnotsayingtheotherprojectsweren’tgreat,”Riversaid,leaningintowhisper.“Imean,somewereterrible,andsomeweregreat,butcompletelyobjectivelyJunoshouldwinthisthing.”
“Completelyobjectively,huh?”Jessbitbackalaugh.River’scompetitivestreakrandeep;second-gradeart-sciencecompetitionswereapparentlynotimmune.“Winorlose,I’mimpressedwithyouboth.”Shepulledbackhissleeve,glancingathiswatch.Itwasalreadysixthirty.“Don’tyouhavetoleavesoon?”
Hefollowedherattentiontohiswrist.Acoupleofmonthsago,Jessimagined,Riverwouldhaveboltedupatthesightofthetime.Buthejustexhaled,calculating,andsaid,“They’reabouttodotheawards.I’llleaveafterthat.”
“How’reyoufeelingabouttomorrow?”
Themomentoftruth.“Nervous,”headmitted,“butmostlyrelievedthatit’sfinallyhere.”
Hetookherhandinhis,andsheliftedthem,kissinghisknuckles.ItwasasifDavid’sbetrayalhadeasedsometensioninhim:Thingshadgonehorriblywrong,butit’dturnedoutokayintheend.Better,even.Thenewexecutiveteamwasinvigoratedandhadatight,instantconnection.Riverhadpersonallyretestedhundredsofsamples.TherewassomuchmediabuzzaboutGeneticAllylately,JesswasawarethatmanyparentsknewwhosheandRiverwereandnotbecausetheirchildrenwereinschooltogether.
Andasmuchasheinsisteditdidn’tmatter,JessknewthattheirnewDiamondscorehadconfirmedthatonceuponatimehehaddiscoveredsomethingauthentic,andhe’dactuallymanagedtodosomethingwithittomaketheworldbetter.
Besidehim,Junowasbusytalkingtoafriendintherowahead,enthusiasticallydebatingthemeritsofcornsnakesversusCaliforniakings.JessmadeamentalnotetoremindRivernottogiveaninchonthesnakefront.
“Junoissuchacurious,creativekid,”Riversaid,followingJess’sattention.“Weneedtomakesurewegetahousewithenoughspaceforherprojects—”
Hiswordscametoanabruptstop,theireyesmeetingastheyeachseemedtoregisterthemagnitudeofwhathe’djustsaid.Weneedtomakesurewegetahouse.Theyweretogether—ofcourse—buttheyhadn’treallytalkedaboutwhatcamenext.
Riverturnedhisfacetothefront,givingJessasweetviewofhischeeksdarkening.“Iwasgoingtotalktoyoulater,but”—heclearedhisthroat—“oneoftheteachersearliermistookmeforJuno’sdad.Junoexplained,butshepausedforasecondfirst.ItmademethinkthatmaybeIhaven’tbeenclearenoughaboutwhatIwant.”
Jess’sheartpoundedandherpalmgrewclammyagainsthis.Shebrieflyturnedhereyestotheleft,toconfirmthatFizzyandPopswerestillcrackinguptogetheroversomegoatvideosonInstagram.“YouhaveanIPOtomorrow,”sheremindedhim.“Thisconversationcanwait.”
“Why?”heasked,anglinghisgazetoherandgrinning.“Isitgoingtobehardorstressfulinsomeway?”
Shesmiledaroundherbottomlip.“Okay.Pointtaken.Whatdoyouwant?”
“You.”Heletthesyllablehangforameaningfulbeat.Riverwantedher,andhewantedher.Hiswhiskey-browneyesheldthesameheattheyhadinthemiddleofthenight,whenhe’dwokenherwithakissandturnedonthemutedbedsidelampbeforeguidingheroverhim.
Butthenhisintensitybroke,andhecontinuedwithquietsincerity,“AndJuno.Maybeadog.”Hepeekedoverhershoulder.“IwantFizzy’sinsanityandJo’scooking.FishingonweekendswithRon.Iknowit’stooearlytoreallydecideanything,butwhenyou’rereadytotakethenextstep—whateveritis—I’min.”
“You’resayingyouwanttomoveintogether?”
Helaughedalittleatthis.“OfcourseIdo.Myplacehasmoreroom,butitdoesn’tfeellikeahome,andIknowhowmuchyouguyslovetheapartment.Butwecouldfindsomethingbigenoughforallofus.Withagiantkitchenandbedroomsonthegroundfloorforyourgrandparents,oreventheirownplaceoutback.”
Jessdidn’tknowwhattosay.Shehadsomuchalready,itfeltalmostgreedytowantmore.Wakinguptogethereverymorningorthequietintimacyofmundanetaskslikegroceryshoppingandbudgetingandjust…sharingthedailyload.Sheimaginedmovingaroundeachotherattheendofthenight—puttingthelastglassinthedishwasher,sharingaquietgroanthatJunolefthersocksonthecouchagain.Sheimaginednothavingtosaygoodbyetohimonthedoorstep,ever.
Askforallofit.Whatdoyouhavetolose?
“Thissummer,”Jesssaid,liftingherchinasifdaringhimtobalk.“JuneorJuly.Ifyoumeanit,let’sfindaplace.”
Hismouthturnedupatthecorner.“Yeah?”
Shecouldn’tresist;hewastoosweet.Jessleanedinforakiss.“Yeah.”
ButitwascutshortbytheappearanceofMrs.Kleinatthefrontoftheroom.Riverjerkedhimselfaway,tappingJuno’sshoulder.Jesswatchedastheylookedateachother,andthenahead,andsmotheredalaughwithherfingertips.She’dalwaysjokedthatJunowashalfFizzy’s,butnowshehadtoadmittherewasanevenmoredominantinfluenceafoot.Because,inunison,Juno’sandRiver’seyeswentbigandround,theirspineswentramrodstraight.
So,Jesswishedforonemorething.
Andastheroombrokeoutintoapplause,andRiverliftedJunoupintoacelebratoryhug,Jessquicklythrewafewmorewishesoutthereforgoodmeasure.Butevenifnothingwentthewaythey’dplannedtomorrow,GeneticAllyhadalreadydoneatleastonespectacular,extraordinarything.
Junoclosedhereyesasshewrappedherarmsaroundhisneck.“Wedidit,RiverNicolas!”
Yeah,Jessthought,watchingthem.Wedid.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ITCERTAINLYWASN’Tintentional,inanerawherethewordofscientistsseemstobecontinuallydisregarded,towriteabookaboutthepowerofdata,buthereweare.Althoughweconceivedoftheideabeforethepandemicfullyhit,wewroteitduringourrespectivestates’shelter-in-placeorders,andthisbookwillforeverholdasacredplaceinourheartsforthedistractionandjoyitbroughtusduringsuchadarktimefortheworld.Therewasnothingabouttheprocessofwritingthisbookthatwasn’tescapistandrewarding,andforthisreason(andaboutamillionothers)wearesoincrediblyprivilegedtodothis.
Wearealsogratefulforthegroupofspectacularpeoplewenotonlygettoworkwithbutwho’vebeenourride-or-dieteamthispastyear.We’vetakenturnsproppingeachotherup,whichisthebestpossiblescenarioinacrappyyearsuchasthis.Before2020,ourloveranbone-deep,butthedevotionnowrunsDNA-deep:HollyRootandKristinDwyer,weareyourforeverride-or-die.Beyondwhatyou’vedoneforthisbook,whatyougiveusdailyasfriendsandcolleaguesisinvaluableandwecherishbothofyou.KateDresser,yourcapabilityandwarmthhaskeptourcareersandspiritsaliveevenwhentheworldwas(sometimesactually)onfire.Thankyouforalwaysbeingpresent—bothemotionallyandprofessionally—responsive,enthusiastic,andreassuring.Wearetheluckiestauthors.JenBergstrom,thankyouforalwaysbelievinginusand,specifically,forbelievinginthisnovel.Yourdecisiontoputusinhardcoverstillmakesusglowinside.We’vebeenthrougheverystepofourcareerwithyou,andthatmeanstheworldtous.RachelBrenner,youarealwaysabrightspotevenonthecrappiestdays.Thankyouforhustling,butalso—andwemeanthiswithourdeepestsincerityandgravitas—thankyouforalways,alwaysbeingwillingtocrackadadjoke.
ToourentireGalleryteam—MollyGregory,AiméeBell,JenLong,AbbyZidle,AnneJaconette,AnabelJimenez,SallyMarvin,LisaLitwak,JohnVairo,theGallerySalesteamandforeignrightsgroup:WEADOREALLOFYOUAWHOLELOT
Theprimarysettingofthebook,namelytheapartmentcomplex,isbasedonarealplace!Aplacethatistrulybelovedtome(Lauren),infact,andisownedbymymuch-adoredauntanduncle,SharonandClaytonHaven,whoretired,soldtheirhousewithamillionstairs,andmadethedreamareality,livingattheapartmentcomplexwithmygrowncousinsandtheirfamilies.WetooksomefictionallicensewiththesettingsothatitworkedforJessandJuno,butinmostwaysourdescriptionsoftheapartmentcomplexarebasedonreality,andyoucanfindmoreaboutthisplaceinanLATimesstoryfromFebruary15,2019,entitled,“3GenerationsinOneApartmentBuilding?ThatWastheGrandparents’Idea.”Myauntandunclearetwoofthemostpreciouspeopleonthisplanet,andIamindebtedtothemnotonlyfortoomanywildnightstocountbutfortheirenthusiasm,fortheirsupport,andformodelingasenseofadventurethathasdriventhemfortheirentirelives.Theyfindjoyineverything;it’ssoinspiring(example:Uncwasseventy-fivewhenhehadthepleasureofseeingareaderaskustosignherboobs,andIcanstillhearhislaugh).Youwouldhaveahardtimefindingtwomorecurious,thoughtful,andopensoulsinthisworld.S&C,Iloveyoumadly.
ThankyoutoKeithLuhrs,IqraAshad,EricaLewis,andRebeccaClarkforyourscientificexpertiseandforreadingthemanuscript.Forsomethingentirelytheoreticalandprobablyscientificallyimpossible,youhelpedusgetascloseaswecould.Itgoeswithoutsayingthatanyremainingerrorsareoursandoursalone.
Toourbookishfriendswhohavebeeninitwithusthisyear,weheartyousomuch.Ifweareeverthriving,itisbecauseourcommunityisstrongandpowerfulandloving:KateClayborn,KresleyCole,JenFrederick,CassieSanders,SarahMacLean,RebekahWeatherspoon,SallyThorne,SarahJ.Maas,JenProkop,LesliePhilips,AlexaMartin,SonaliDev,GretchenSchreiber,AlishaRai,ChristopherRice,JillianStein,LizBerry,CandiceMontgomery,andCatherineLu.
We’vebeencoopedupwithourfamiliesforeightmonthsbythispointsothere’snothingwecansayherethatwehaven’tsaid(orshouted)…exceptmaybethis:therehavebeenchallenges,andtherehavebeenvictories,butnoneofthelowpointswereeverbecauseourlovefaltered.Forthatweareveryluckyindeed.Weloveyou,R,C,K,O,V.
Thissectionofthebookwouldberemissifwedidn’tmentionKimNamjoon,KimSeokjin,MinYoongi,JungHoseok,ParkJimin,KimTaehyung,andJeonJungkook.BTShasbeenabrilliantrayofsunshineinthisgloomy,tragicyear,andweadorethemembersasiftheywereourownfamily.Enoughsaid.ARMYknowshowitis,andwepurpleyou.
Toallofthelibrarians,booksellers,readers,andourbelovedmembersofCLoandFriends:wehopewhenthisnotereachesyouthatyouaresafe,secure,well-fed,deeplyloved,andknowthatwhenyoureadthesewordswearespeakingtoyou.Thankyouforpickingupourbooks,butmoreimportantly,thankyouforbeingthebedrockofacommunitythat,withoutyou,wouldcrumble.Inallsincerity,wewritetomakeyouhappy.Wehopewesucceed.
And,finally,toeachotherwesay:Youaremybest,andhereyouaremyonly.Andlook…wejustwroteabookaboutsoulmates.Funnything,that.
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