Copyright?2021byElenaArmas
Allrightsreserved.
Visitmywebsiteatwww.authorelenaarmas.com
CoverDesign:EllaMaiseandElenaArmas
Editor:JovanaShirley,UnforeseenEditing,www.unforeseenediting.com
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystemwithoutthewrittenpermissionoftheauthor,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.Contents
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Epilogue
AbouttheAuthor
AcknowledgmentsTothosechasingdreams,
nevergiveuponthem.
Wearenotquitters,youhearme?ChapterOne
“I’llbeyourdatetothewedding.”
WordsIhadnever—noteveninmywildestdreams,andtrustme,Ihadavividimagination—conceivedofhearingfromthatdeepandrichtonereachedmyears.
Lookingdownatmycoffee,Isquintedmyeyes,tryingtosearchforanysignsofnoxioussubstancesfloatingaround.Thatwouldatleastexplainwhatwashappening.Butnope.
Nothing.JustwhatwasleftofmyAmericano.
“I’lldoitifyouneedsomeonethatbadly,”thedeepvoicecameagain.
Eyesgrowingwide,Iliftedmyhead.Iopenedmymouthandthensnappeditclosedagain.
“Rosie…”Itrailedoff,thewordleavingmeinawhisper.“Ishereallythere?Canyouseehim?Ordidsomeonespikemycoffeewithoutmenoticing?”
Rosie—mybestfriendandcolleagueinInTech,theNewYorkCity–basedengineeringconsultingcompany,wherewehadmetandworked—slowlynoddedherhead.Iwatchedherdarkcurlsbouncewiththemotion,anexpressionofdisbeliefmarringherotherwisesoftfeatures.Sheloweredhervoice.“Nope.He’srightthere.”Herheadpeekedaroundmeveryquickly.“Hi.Goodmorning!”shesaidbrightlybeforeherattentionreturnedtomyface.“Rightbehindyou.”
Lipsparted,Istaredatmyfriendforalongmoment.WewerestandingatthefarendofthehallwayoftheeleventhflooroftheInTechheadquarters.Bothourofficeswererelativelyclosetogether,sothemomentIhadenteredthebuildinglocatedintheheartofManhattan,inthevicinityofCentralPark,Ihadgonestraighttoheroffice.
MyplanhadbeentograbRosieandplopdownontheupholsteredwoodenarmchairsthatservedasawaitingsittingareaforvisitingclients,whichwereusuallyunoccupiedthisearlyinthemorning.Butwenevermadeit.Isomehowdroppedthebombbeforeweeversatdown.ThatwashowmuchmypredicamentneededRosie’simmediateattention.Andthen…thenhehadmaterializedoutofnowhere.
“ShouldIrepeatthatathirdtime?”Hisquestionsentanewwaveofdisbeliefrushingdownmybody,freezingthebloodinmyveins.
Hewouldn’t.Notbecausehecouldn’t,butbecausewhathewassayingdidnotmakeanyfreakingsense.Notinourworld.Onewherewe—
“Allright,fine,”hesighed.“Youcantakeme.”Hepaused,sendingmoreofthatice-coldwarinessthroughme.“Toyoursister’swedding.”
Myspinelockedup.
Myshouldersstiffened.
IevenfeltthesatinblouseIhadtuckedintomycamelslacksstretchwiththesuddenmotion.
Icantakehim.
Tomysister’swedding.
Asmy…date?
Iblinked,hiswordsechoinginsidemyhead.
Then,somethingunhitchedinsideofme.Theabsurdityofwhateverthiswas—whateverperversejokethismanIknewnottotrustwastryingtopulloff—madeasnortbubbleitswayupmythroatandreachmylips,leavingmequicklyandloudly.Asifithadbeeninarushtogetout.
Agruntcamefrombehindme.“What’ssofunny?”Hisvoicedropped,turningcolder.“I’mcompletelyserious.”
Ibitbackanotherburstoflaughter.Ididn’tbelievethat.Notforasecond.“Thechancesofhim,”ItoldRosie,“beingactuallyseriousarethesamechancesIhaveofhavingChrisEvanspopoutofnowhereandconfesshisundyingloveforme.”Imadeashowoflookingrightandleft.“Nonexistent.So,Rosie,youweresayingsomethingabout…Mr.Frenkel,right?”
TherewasnoMr.Frenkel.
“Lina,”Rosiesaidwiththatfake,toothysmileIknewsheworewhenshedidn’twanttoberude.“Helookslikehe’sserious,”shespokethroughherfreakysmile.Hergazeinspectedthemanstandingbehindme.“Yep.Ithinkhemightbeserious.”
“Nope.Hecan’tbe.”Ishookmyhead,stillrefusingtoturnaroundandacknowledgethattherewasapossibilitymyfriendwasright.
Therecouldn’tbe.TherewasnowayAaronBlackford,colleagueandwell-establishedafflictionofmine,wouldevenattempttooffersomethinglikethat.No.Way.
Animpatientsighcamefrombehindme.“Thisisgettingrepetitive,Catalina.”Alongpause.Then,anothernoisyexhalelefthislips,thisonemuchlonger.ButIdidnotturnaround.Iheldmyground.“Ignoringmewon’tmakemedisappear.Youknowthat.”
Idid.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanIwon’tkeeptrying,”Imutteredundermybreath.
Rosieleveledmewithalook.Then,shepeekedaroundmeagain,keepingthattoothygrininplace.“Sorryaboutthat,Aaron.Wearenotignoringyou.”Hergrinstrained.“Weare…debatingsomething.”
“Weareignoringhimthough.Youdon’tneedtosparehisfeelings.Hedoesn’thaveany.”
“Thanks,Rosie,”Aarontoldmyfriend,someoftheusualcoldnessleavinghisvoice.Notthathe’dbenicetoanybody.Nicewasn’tsomethingAarondid.Ididn’teventhinkhewasabletopullofffriendly.Buthehadalwaysbeenless…grimwhenitcametoRosie.Atreatmentthathadneverbeenforme.“DoyouthinkyoucantellCatalinatoturnaround?I’dappreciatetalkingtoherfaceandnottothebackofherhead.”Histonedroppedbacktominuszerodegrees.“Thatis,ofcourse,ifthisisnotoneofherjokesthatIneverseemtounderstand,muchlessfindfunny.”
Heatrushedupmybody,reachingmyface.
“Sure,”Rosiecomplied.“Ithink…IthinkIcandothat.”Myfriend’sgazebouncedfromthatpointbehindmetomyface,hereyebrowsraised.“Lina,so,erm,Aaronwouldlikeyoutoturnaroundifthisisnotoneofthosejokesthat—”
“Thanks,Rosie.Igotthat,”Igrittedoutbetweenmyteeth.Feelingmycheeksburn,Irefusedtofacehim.Thatwouldmeanlettinghimwinwhatevergamehewasplaying.Plus,hehadjustcalledmeunfunny.Him.“Ifyoucould,tellAaronthatIdon’tthinkonecanlaughat,ormuchlessunderstand,jokeswhenonelacksasenseofhumor,please.Thatwouldbegreat.Thanks.”
Rosiescratchedthesideofherhead,lookingpleadinglyatme.Don’tmakemedothis,sheseemedtoaskmewithhereyes.
Iwidenedmineather,ignoringherpleaandbegginghertogoalong.
Shereleasedabreathandthenlookedaroundmeonemoretime.“Aaron,”shesaid,herfakegringettingbigger,“Linathinksthat—”
“Iheardher,Rosie.Thankyou.”
Iwassoattunedtohim—tothis—thatInoticedtheslightchangeinhistonethatsignaledtheswitchtothevoiceheonlyusedwithme.Theonethatwasjustasdryandcoldbutthatwouldnowcomewithanextralayerofdisdainanddistance.Theonethatwouldsoonleadtoascowl.Ididn’tevenneedtoturnandtakealookathimtoknowthat.Itwassomehowalwaystherewhenitcametomeandtothis…thingbetweenus.
“I’mprettysuremywordsarereachingCatalinadowntherejustfine,butifyoucouldtellherthatIhaveworktodoandIcannotentertainthismuchlonger,Iwouldappreciateit.”
Downthere?
Stupidlylargeman
Mysizewasaverage.AverageforaSpaniard,sure.Butaveragenonetheless.Iwasfivefootthree—almostfour,thankyouverymuch.
Rosie’sgreeneyeswerebackonme.“So,Aaronhaswork,andhewouldappreciate—”
“If—”IstoppedmyselfwhenIheardthewordsoundinghigh-pitchedandsqueaky.Iclearedmythroatandtriedagain.“Ifheissobusy,thenpleasetellhimtofeelfreetospareme.Hecangobacktohisofficeandresumewhateverworkaholicactivitieshehadshockinglypausedtostickhisnoseinsomethingthatdoesnotconcernhim.”
Iwatchedmyfriend’smouthopen,butthemanbehindmespokebeforeasoundcouldcomeoutofherlips,“So,youheardwhatIsaid.Myoffer.Good.”Apause.InwhichIcursedundermybreath.“Then,what’syouranswer?”
Rosie’sfacefilledwithshockonemoretime.Mygazeremainedonher,andIcouldpicturehowthedarkbrowninmyeyeswasturningtoredwithmygrowingexasperation.
Myanswer?Whatthehellwasheeventryingtoaccomplish?Wasthisanew,inventivewayofplayingwithmyhead?Mysanity?
“Ihavenoideawhathe’stalkingabout.Iheardnothing,”Ilied.“Youcantellhimthattoo.”
Rosietuckedacurlbehindherear,hereyesjumpingverybrieflytoAaronandthenreturningtome.“Ithinkhe’sreferringtothemomentheofferedtobeyourdatetoyoursister’swedding,”sheexplainedwithasoftvoice.“Youknow,rightafteryoutoldmethatthingshadchangedandthatyounowneededtofindsomeone—oranyone,Ithinkyousaid—togotoSpainwithyouandattendthatweddingbecause,otherwise,you’ddieaslow,painfuldeathand—”
“IthinkIgotit,”Irushedout,feelingmyfaceburnagainfromtherealizationthatAaronhadheardallofthat.“Thanks,Rosie.Youcanstopwiththerecap.”OrI’dbedyingthatslow,painfuldeathrightaboutnow.
“Ithinkyouusedtheworddesperate,”Aaronchippedin.
Myearsburned,probablyflashingaboutfiveshadesofradioactivered.“Ididnot,”Ibreathedout.“Ididnotusethatword.”
“You…sortofdid,sweetie,”mybestfriend—no,formerbestfriendasofrightnow—confirmed.
Eyesnarrowed,Imouthed,Whatthehell,traitor?
Butbothofthemwereright.
“Fine.So,Isaidthat.Doesn’tmeanI’mthatdesperate.”
“That’swhattrulyhelplesspeoplewouldsay.Butwhatevermakesyousleepbetteratnight,Catalina.”
Cursingundermybreathfortheumpteenthtimethatmorning,Iclosedmyeyesbriefly.“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness,Blackford,butI’mnothelpless,okay?AndIsleepatnightjustfine.No,actually,I’veneversleptbetter.”
WhatwasonemorelietothepileIwashoistingaround,huh?
ContrarytowhatIhadjustdenied,Iwastruly,helplesslydesperatetofindsomeonetobemydatetothatwedding.Butthatdidn’tmeanI’d—
“Sure.”
Ironically,outofallthedamnwordsAaronBlackfordhadsaidtothebackofmyheadthatmorning,thatonewordwaswhatmademebreakmystancetopretendIremainedunaffected.
Thatsure,soundingallcondescendingandboredanddismissiveandjustsoAaron.
Sure
Mybloodbubbled.
Itwassoimpulsive,suchaknee-jerkreactiontothatfour-letterword—which,utteredbyanybodyelse,wouldhavemeantnothing—thatIdidn’tevenrealizemybodywasturninguntilitwastoolate.
Becauseofhisunearthlyheight,Iwaswelcomedbyabroadchestcoveredinapressedwhitebutton-downthatmademeitchtofistthefabricandwrinkleitwithmyhandsbecausewhoprancedthroughlifesosleekandspotlessallthedamntime?AaronBlackford—thatwaswho.
Mygazetraileduproundedshouldersandastrongneck,reachingthestraightlineofhisjaw.Hislipspressedflatly,justlikeIhadknowntheywould.Myeyestraveledfurtherupthen,reachinghisblueones—bluethatremindedmeofthedepthsoftheocean,whereeverythingwascoldanddeadly—andfindingthemonme.
Oneofhisbrowsrose.
“Sure?”Ihissed.
“Yes.”Thathead,toppedwithravenhair,gaveonesinglenod,hisgazenotleavingmine.“Idon’twanttowastemoretimearguingaboutsomethingyouaretoostubborntoadmit,soyes.Sure.”
Thisinfuriatingblue-eyedmanwhoprobablyspentmoretimeironinghisclothesthaninteractingwithotherhumanbeingswasnotgoingtomakemelosemytemperthisearlyinthemorning.
Fightingtokeepmybodyundercontrol,Iinhaledalong,deepbreath.Ituckedalockofchestnuthairbehindmyear.“Ifthisissuchawasteoftime,Igenuinelydon’tknowwhatyouarestilldoinghere.Pleasedon’tstayonmyorRosie’saccount.”
AnoncommittalnoiseleftMissTraitor’smouth.
“Iwouldhave,”Aaronadmittedinaleveltone.“Butyoustillhaven’tansweredmyquestion.”
“Thatwasn’taquestion,”Isaid,thewordstastingsourinmytongue.“Whateveryousaidwasnotaquestion.Butthat’snotimportantbecauseIdon’tneedyou,thankyouverymuch.”
“Sure,”herepeated,turningmyexasperationonenotchup.“AlthoughIthinkyoudo.”
“Youthinkwrong.”
Thatbrowrosehigher.“Andyetitsoundedlikeyoureallydoneedme.”
“Then,youmustbeexperiencingserioushearingissuesbecause,yetagain,youheardwrong.Idon’tneedyou,AaronBlackford.”Iswallowed,willingsomeofthedrynessaway.“Icouldwriteitdownforyouifyouwant.Sendyouanemail,too,ifthat’dhelpatall.”
Heseemedtothinkaboutitforasecond,lookinguninterested.ButIknewbetterthantobelievehe’dletitgosoeasily.Whichheprovedassoonasheopenedhismouthagain.“Didn’tyousaytheweddingisinamonthandyoudon’thaveadate?”
Mylipspressedinatightline.“Maybe.Ican’trecallexactly.”
Ihadsaidthat.Wordforword.
“Didn’tRosiesuggestthatifyouperhapssatinthebackandtriednottodrawanyattentiontoyourself,nobodywouldnoticeyouwereattendingonyourown?”
Myfriend’sheadpoppedintomyfieldofvision.“Idid.Ialsosuggestedtowearadullcolorandnotthestunningreddressthat—”
“Rosie,”Iinterruptedher.“Notreallyhelpinghere.”
Aaron’seyesdidn’twaverwhenheresumedhiswalkdownmemorylane.“Didn’tyoufollowthatbyremindingRosiethatyouwerethemotherfreaking—yourword—maidofhonorandthereforeeverybodyandtheirmother—yourwordsagain—wouldnoticeyouanyway?”
“Shedid,”IheardMissTraitorconfirm.Myheadwhirledinherdirection.“What?”Sheshrugged,signingherdeathsentence.“Youdid,honey.”
Ineedednewfriends.ASAP.
“Shedid,”Aaroncorroborated,drawingmygazeandattentionbacktohim.“Anddidyounotsaythatyourex-boyfriendisthebestmanandthinkingofstandinginthevicinityofhim,aloneandlameandpatheticallysingle—thosewereyourwordsagain—madeyouwanttotearoffyourownskin?”
Ihad.Ihadsaidthat.ButIhadn’tthoughtAaronwaslistening;otherwise,Iwouldhaveneveradmitteditoutloud.
Buthehadbeenrightthere,apparently.Heknewnow.Hehadheardmeopenlyadmitthatandhadjustthrownitatmyface.AndasmuchasItoldmyselfIdidn’tcare—thatIshouldn’tcare—thepangofhurtwasthereallthesame.Itmademefeelallthemorealone,lame,andpathetic.
Swallowingthelumpinmythroat,Iavertedmyeyes,lettingthemrestsomewhereclosetohisAdam’sapple.Ididn’twanttoseewhateverwasinhisface.Mockery.Pity.Ididn’tcare.Icouldsparetheknowledgeofonemorepersonthinkingofmethatway.
Histhroatwastheonethatworkedthen.IknewbecauseitwastheonlypartofhimIallowedmyselftolookat.
“Youaredesperate.”
Iexhaled,theairleavingmylipsforcefully.Onenod—thatwasallIgavehim.AndIdidn’tevenunderstandwhyIhaddoneit.Thiswasn’tme.IusuallyfoughtbackuntilIwastheonewhodrewbloodfirst.Becausethatwaswhatwedid.Wedidn’tspareeachother’sfeelings.Thiswasn’tnew.
“Then,takeme.Iwillbeyourdatetothewedding,Catalina.”
Mygazedrewupveryslowly,astrangemixofwarinessandembarrassmentwashingoverme.Himwitnessingallthiswasbadenough,buthimsomehowtryingtouseittohisadvantage?Togetthebetterofme?
Unlesshewasn’t.Unlessperhapstherewasanexplanation,areason,astowhyhewasdoingthis.Offeringhimselftobemydate.
Studyinghisface,Iponderedalltheseoptionsandpossiblemotivations,notcomingtoanykindofreasonableconclusion.Notfindinganypossibleanswerthatwouldhelpmeunderstandwhyorwhathewastryingtoaccomplish.
Onlythetruth.Thereality.Weweren’tfriends.Webarelytoleratedeachother,AaronBlackfordandI.Wewerespitefultoeachother,pointedouteachother’smistakes,criticizedhowdifferentlyweworked,thought,andlived.Wecondemnedourdifferences.Atsomepointinthepast,Iwouldhavethrowndartsataposterofhisface.AndIwasprettysurehewouldhavedonethesamebecauseIwasn’ttheonlyonedrivingalongHateBoulevard.Itwasatwo-wayroad.Notonlythat,butithadactuallybeenhim,theonecausingourfallout.Ihadn’tstartedthisfeudbetweenus.So,why?Whywashepretendingtooffermehelp,andwhywouldIhumorhimbyevenconsideringit?
“Imightbedesperatetofindadate,butI’mnotthatdesperate,”Irepeated.“JustlikeIsaid.”
Hissighwastired.Impatient.Infuriating.“I’llletyouthinkaboutit.Youknowyouhavenootheroptions.”
“Nothingtothinkabout.”Icutmyhandthroughtheairbetweenus.Then,IsmiledmyversionofRosie’sfake,toothygrin.“I’dtakeachimpanzeedressedinatuxedobeforetakingyou.”
Hiseyebrowsrose,amusementbarelyenteringhiseyes.“Now,comeon;webothknowyouwouldn’t.Whiletherearechimpanzeesthatwouldriseuptotheoccasion,itwillbeyourexstandingthere.Yourfamily.Yousaidyouneedtomakeanimpression,andIwillaccomplishexactlythat.”Hetiltedhishead.“I’myourbestoption.”
Isnorted,clappingmyhandsonce.Smugblue-eyedpaininmyass.“Youaremybestnothing,Blackford.AndIhaveplentyofotheroptions,”Icountered,shruggingashoulder.“I’llfindsomeoneonTinder.MaybeputoutanadintheNewYorkTimes.Icanfindsomeone.”
“Inonlyafewweeks?Highlyunlikely.”
“Rosiehasfriends.I’lltakeoneofthem.”
Thathadbeenmyplanallalong.ItwasthereasonwhyIhadgrabbedRosiesoearlyintheday.Rookiemistakeonmypart,Irealized.IshouldhavewaitedtogetoffworkandgottenRosietoasafe,Aaron-freeplacetotalk.Butafteryesterday’scallwithMamá…yeah.Thingshadchanged.Mysituationhaddefinitelychanged.Ineededsomeone,andIcouldn’tstressenoughthatanyonewoulddo.Anyonewhowasn’tAaron,ofcourse.Rosiehadbeenbornandraisedinthecity.Therehadtobesomeonesheknew.
“Right,Rosie?Oneofyourfriendsmustbeavailable.”
Myfriend’sheadpoppedinagain.“MaybeMarty?Helovesweddings.”
Ishotaquickglanceather.“Wasn’tMartytheonewhogotdrunkatyourcousin’swedding,stolethemicfromtheband,andsang‘MyHeartWillGoOn’untilyourbrotherhadtodraghimoffthestage?”
“Thatwouldbehim.”Shewinced.
“Yeah,no.”Icouldn’thavethatatmysister’swedding.She’driphisheartoutofhischestandserveitasdessert.“WhataboutRyan?”
“Happilyengaged.”
Asighleftmylips.“Notsurprised.Ryanisatotalcatch.”
“Iknow.That’swhyItriedsomanytimestogetyoutwotogether,butyou—”
Iclearedmythroatloudly,interruptingher.“Wearen’tdiscussingwhyIamsingle.”IquicklyglancedbackatAaron.Hiseyeswereonme,narrowed.“Howabout…Terry?”
“MovedtoChicago.”
“Dammit.”Ishookmyhead,closingmyeyesforaninstant.Thiswasuseless.“Then,I’llhireanactor.Payhimtoactasmydate.”
“That’sprobablyexpensive,”Aaronsaidflatly.“Andactorsaren’texactlylyingaround,waitingforsinglepeopletohireandparadethemastheirplus-ones.”
Ipinnedhimwithanexasperatedlook.“I’llgetaprofessionalescort.”
Hislipspressedinthattight,almost-hermeticwaytheydidwhenhewasextremelyirritated.“You’dtakeamaleprostitutetoyoursister’sweddingbeforetakingme?”
“Isaid,anescort,Blackford.PorDios,”Imuttered,watchinghiseyebrowsbunchandturnintothescowl.“I’mnotlookingforthatkindofservice.Ijustneedacompanion.That’salltheydo.Theyescortyoutoevents.”
“That’snotwhattheydo,Catalina.”Hisvoicewasdeepandicy.Coveringmeinhisfrostyjudgment.
“Haven’tyouwatchedanyromanticcomediesever?”Iwatchedthescowldeepen.“NotevenTheWeddingDate?”
Noanswer,justmoreofthatarcticstaring.
“Doyouevenwatchmovies?Ordoyoujust…work?”
Therewasapossibilitythathedidn’tevenownatelevision.Hisexpressiondidn’tchange.
God,Idon’thavetimeforthis.Forhim
“Youknowwhat?Notimportant.Idon’tcare.”Ithrewmyhandsupandthenclaspedthemtogether.“Thankyoufor…this.Whateveritwas.Greatinput.ButIdon’tneedyou.”
“Ithinkyoudo.”
Iblinkedathim.“Ithinkyouareannoying.”
“Catalina,”hestarted,makingmyirritationgrowwiththewayheutteredmyname.“Youaredelusionalifyouthinkyoucanfindsomeoneinsuchashortamountoftime.”
Oncemore,AaronBlackfordwasn’twrong.
Iprobablywasalittledelusional.Andhedidn’tevenknowaboutthelie.Mylie.Notthathe’deverdo.Butthatdidn’tchangethefacts.Ineededsomeone,anyone,butnothim,notAaron,toflytoSpainwithmeforIsabel’swedding.Because(A)Iwasthebride’ssisterandmaidofhonor.(B)Myex,Daniel,wasthegroom’sbrotherandbestman.Andasofyesterday,Ihadlearnedthathewashappilyengaged.Somethingthatmyfamilyhadbeenhidingfromme.(C)Ifyoudidn’tcountthefewandprettyunsuccessfuldatesIhadgoneon,Ihadbeentechnicallysingleforroughlysixyears.EversinceIhadleftSpainandmovedtotheStates,whichhadhappenedshortlyaftermyoneandonlyrelationshipexplodedinmyface.Somethingthateverysingleattendee—becausetherewerenosecretsinfamilieslikemineandmuchlessinsmalltownsliketheoneIhadcomefrom—knewaboutandpitiedmefor.And(D)therewasmylie
Thelie
TheoneIhadsortoffedmymotherandconsequentlythewholeMartínclanbecauseprivacyandboundariesdidnotexistwhenitcametous.Hell,bynow,myliewasprobablyontheAnnouncementspageofthelocalnewspaper.
CatalinaMartín,finally,notsingle.HerfamilyishappytoannouncethatshewillbringherAmericanboyfriendtothewedding.Everyoneisinvitedtocomeandwitnessthemostmagicaleventofthedecade.
BecausethatwaswhatIhaddone.RightafterthenewsofDaniel’sengagementhadslippedpastmymother’slipsandreachedmyearsthroughthespeakerofmyphone,IhadsaidthatI’dbebringingsomeonetoo.No,notjustsomeone.I’dsaid—lied,deceived,falselyannounced—thatI’dbebringingmyboyfriend.
Whotechnicallydidnotexist.
Yet.
Okay,fine,orever.BecauseAaronwasright.Findingadateinsuchashortamountoftimewasperhapsalittleoptimistic.BelievingI’dfindsomeonetopretendtobemymade-upboyfriendwasprobablydelusional.ButacceptingthatAaronwasmyonlychoiceandtakinghimuponhisoffer?Thatwasstraight-upinsanity.
“Iseeit’sfinallyseepingin.”Aaron’swordsbroughtmebacktothepresent,andIfoundhisblueeyesaimedatme.“I’llletyoucometotermswithitonyourown.Justletmeknowwhenyoudo.”
Mylipspursed.AndwhenIfeltmycheeksburnagain—becausehowlamewasIforhim,AaronBlackford,whohadneverevenlikedmeatinylittlebit,topitymeenoughtoofferhimselftobemydate?—Icrossedmyarmsovermychestandavertedmyeyesfromthosetwoicyandruthlessspots.
“Oh,and,Catalina?”
“Yeah?”Thewordleftmylipsweakly.Ugh,pathetic
“Trynottobelatetoourteno’clockmeeting.It’snotcuteanymore.”
Mygazeshottohim,ahuffstuckinmythroat.
Jerk
Isworerightthenandtherethatoneday,I’dfindaladderhighenough,climbit,andchucksomethingreallyhardathisinfuriatingface.
Oneyearandeightmonths.ThatwashowlongIhadenduredhim.Ihadbeencounting,bidingmytime.
Then,withnothingmorethananod,heturnedaround,andIwatchedhimwalkaway.Dismisseduntilfurthernotice.
“Okay,thatwas…”Rosie’svoicetrailedoff,notendingthestatement.
“Maddening?Insulting?Bizarre?”Ioffered,bringingmyhandstomyface.
“Unexpected,”shecountered.“Andinteresting.”
Lookingatherbetweenmyfingers,Iwatchedthecornersofherlipstugup
“Yourfriendshiphasbeenrevoked,RosalynGraham.”
Shechuckled.“Youknowyoudon’tmeanthat.”
Ididn’t;she’dnevergetridofme.
“So…”Rosielinkedherarmwithmineandusheredmedownthehallway.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
Ashakyexhaleleftmymouth,takingallmyenergywithit.“I…Idon’thavetheslightestidea.”
ButIknewsomethingforsure:IwasnottakingAaronBlackforduponhisoffer.Hewasn’tmyonlyoption,andhesurelywasn’tmybestoneeither.Hell,hewasn’tmyanything.Especiallynotmydatetomysister’swedding.ChapterTwo
Iwasn’tlatetoourmeeting.
Eversincethatdayayearandeightmonthsago,Iwasneverlate.
Why?
AaronBlackford.
Onetime.IhadbeenlateonesingletimeinAaron’spresence,andyethekeptflauntingthatfacteverychancehegot.
HeneverchalkedituptomebeingSpanishorawoman.Bothunjustifiedstereotypeswhenitcametobeingnotoriouslyunpunctual.
Aarondidn’tdononsense.Hepointedoutfacts;hestatedverifiabletruths.Hehadbeendisciplinedtodothat,justlikeeveryotherengineerintheconsultingcompanywhereweworked,meincluded.Andtechnically,Ihadbeenlate.Thatonetimeallthosemonthsago.ItwastruethatIhadmissedthefirstfifteenminutesofanimportantpresentation.ItwasalsotruethatithadbeenAaronleadingit—duringhisfirstweekinInTech—anditwasagaintruethatIhadmadeamiserablyloudentrancethatmighthaveinvolvedaccidentallyknockingoveracoffeepitcher.
OnAaron’sstackofdossiersforthepresentation.
Fine,partlyonhispantstoo.
Notthebestwaytomakeanimpressiononanewcolleague,buttoughshit.Thingslikethathappenedallthetime.Tiny,unintentional,unexpectedaccidentslikethosewerecommon.Peoplegotoverthemandwentonwiththeirlives.
ButnotAaron.
Instead,weekafterweekandmonthaftermontheversincethatday,hehadbarkedstufflike,“Trynottobelatetoourteno’clockmeeting.It’snotcuteanymore,”atme.
Instead,everysingletimeheenteredaconferenceroomandfoundmesittingthere,painfullyearly,hecheckedthewatchonhiswristandraisedhiseyebrowsinsurprise.
Instead,hemovedcoffeepitchersoutofmyreachwithawarningtiltofhisheadinmydirection.
ThatwaswhatAaronBlackforddidinsteadoflettinggoofthatincident.
“Goodmorning,Lina.”Héctor’skindvoicereachedmefromthedoor.
IcouldtellhewassmilingbeforeItookinhisface,justlikehealwaysdid.“Buenosdías,Héctor,”Itoldhiminthemothertongueweshared.
ThemanthatIconsideredlikeanuncleafterhewelcomedmeintotheclosecircleofhisfamilyplacedahandonmyshoulderandsqueezedlightly.“Doinggood,mija?”
“Can’tcomplain.”Ireturnedthesmile.
“Youcomingovertothenextbarbecue?It’snextmonth,andLourdeskeepstellingmetoremindyou.She’spreparingcevichethistime,andyouaretheonlyonethatwilleatit.”Helaughed.
Itwastrue;nooneintheDíazfamilywasabigfanofthefish-basedMexicandish.Which,tothisday,Istillcouldn’tunderstand.
“Stopaskingdumbquestions,oldman.”Iwavedmyhandintheairwithachuckle.“OfcourseI’llbethere.”
Héctorwastakinghisusualplacetomyrightwhenourthreeremainingcolleaguesinattendancepouredintotheroom,mumblingtheirgoodmornings.
LiftingmygazeoffHéctor’seasysmile,myeyestrackeddownthemenwalkingaroundthetabletoassembleintoourteno’clockformation.
AcrossfrommeappearedAaron,eyebrowsraisedandgazequicklymeetingmine.Iwatchedhislipstipdownashetookachairout.
Rollingmyeyes,ImovedontoGerald,whosebaldheadglintedunderthefluorescentlightashefoldedhisratherchubbyframeintothechair.Lastbutnotleast,therewasKabir,whohadbeenrecentlypromotedtothepositioneveryoneinthisroomheld—teamleaderoftheSolutionsDivisionofthecompany.Whichprettymuchencompassedalldisciplinesbutcivilengineering.Whichwasabeastonitsown.
“Goodmorning,everyone,”Kabirstartedwiththeenthusiasmonlysomeonewhohadbeenonthejobforamonthwouldhave.“Thisweek,it’smyturntoleadandprotocolthemeeting,soifyoucould,pleasesaypresentwhenIcallyourname.”
AnexasperatedgruntIwasextremelyfamiliarwithfilledtheroom.Glancingattheblue-eyedmanacrossthetable,Ifoundtheirritatedfacethatwentwiththesound.
“Ofcourse,Kabir,”IsaidwithasmileeventhoughIagreedwiththescowlingman.“Pleasecallaway.”
Oceaneyespinnedmewithanicylook.
Meetinghisstare,IheardKabirgothrougheachofournames,obtainingconfirmationfrombothHéctorandGerald,anunnecessarilycheerypresentfromme,andanothergruntfromMr.Grumps.
“Allright,thanks,”Kabirsaid.“Nextpointintheagendais,projectstatusupdates.Whowouldliketostart?”
Hewasmetwithsilence.
InTechprovidedengineeringservicesforanyentitythatdidnothavetheabilityormanpowertodesignorengineerplansfortheirownprojects.Sometimes,theyoutsourcedateamoffiveorsixpeople,andothertimes,onlyonepersonwasneeded.So,allfiveteamleadersinourdivisionwerecurrentlyworkingandsupervisingseveraldifferentprojectsforseveraldifferentclients,andallprojectsneverstoppedmovingforward.Eatingawaymilestonesandencounteringallkindsofissuesanddrawbacks.Wehadconferencecallswiththeclientsandstakeholdersonadailybasis.Thestatusofeachprojectchangedsobrisklyandinsuchacomplexmannerthattherewasnowayeveryotherteam
“Um…”Kabirshiftedinhisseatuncomfortably.“Okay,Icanstart.Yeah,I’llgofirst.”Heshuffledthroughafolderhehadbroughtwithhim.“Thisweek,wearepresentingtoTelekoorthenewbudgetwe’vebeendevelopingforthem.Asyouknow,itisastart-upthat’sworkingonacloudservicetoenhancemobiledataonpublictransportation.Well,theresourcesavailableareratherlimitedand…”
Iabsentlylistenedtomycolleaguewhilemygazeroamedaroundthemeetingroom.Héctornoddedhishead,althoughIsuspectedhewaspayingasmuchattentionasIwas.Gerald,ontheotherhand,wasopenlycheckinghisphone.Rude.Sorude.ButIdidn’texpectanythingelsefromhim.
Then,therewashim.AaronBlackford,whoIrealizedhadbeenstaringatmebeforemyeyesmethis.
Hisarmreachedoutinmydirection,hisgazeholdingmine.Iknewwhathewasabouttodo.Iknew.Thelongfingersattachedtothatmassivepalmspreadoutastheymettheobjectinfrontofme.Thecoffeepitcher.Inarrowedmyeyes,watchinghowhishandcurledaroundthepitcher’shandle.
Hedraggeditallthewayacrossthesurfaceoftheoakdesk.Veryslowly.Then,henoddedhishead.
Infuriatingblue-eyedgrudge-holder
Igavehimatight,closed-lipsmile—becausetheotheroptionwaslaunchingmyselfacrosstheroomandpouringallthecontentsofthegoddamnpitcheronhim.Again.Butthistime,intentionally.
Tryingtodistractmyselffromthatthought,Iavertedmyeyesandfuriouslyscribbledato-dolistonmyplanner.
AskIsaifthebouquetsheorderedforMamáwaspeoniesorlilies.
OrdereitherapeonyorlilybouquetforTíaCarmen.
Ifwedidn’t,she’dbegivingme,Isa—mysisterandbride—andMamáthestinkeyeuntilthedaysheoranyofuskickedthebucket.
SendPapámyflightdetails,soheknowswhentopickmeupfromtheairport.
TellIsatoremindPapáthathehasmyflightdetails,sohepicksmeupfromtheairport.
Ibroughtthepentomylips,thisawfulfeelingIwasforgettingsomethingimportantmakingmeuneasy.
Chewingonmypen,IscrambledmymindforwhateveritwasIwasmissing.Then,avoiceIwasterribly—andunfortunately—doomedtoneverforgetthunderedinmyhead.
“Youaredelusionalifyouthinkyoucanfindsomeoneinsuchashortamountoftime.”
Myeyesbouncedbacktothemansittingacrossfromme,meetinghisgazeagain.AsifIhadbeencaughtdoingsomethingwrong—likethinkingofhim—Ifelttheheatinmycheeksandreturnedmyattentiontothelist.
Findaboyfriend.
Iscratchedthat.
Findafakeboyfriend.Doesn’tneedtobearealone.
“…andthat’sallIhavetoreport.”Kabir’swordsregisteredsomewhereinthebackofmyhead.
Icontinuedworkingonmylist.
Findafakeboyfriend.Doesn’tneedtobearealone.Andalso,NOTHIM.
Surely,Ihadotheroptions.Nottheescortthough.AquickGooglesearchhadconfirmedthatAaronhadbeenright.Again.Apparently,IhadbeenliedtobyHollywood.NewYorkseemedtobefilledwithmenandwomenofferingawiderangeofvariedanddifferentkindsofservicesthatwerenotlimitedtoescorting
Igrimacedandthenchewedharderonthepen.NotthatI’deveradmitthattoAaron.I’drathergiveupchocolateforafullyearthanadmittoAaronthathewasright.
ButIwasdesperateatthispoint.Hehadnailedthatdowntoo.Ineededtofindsomeonewhowouldpretendtobeinaserious,committedrelationshipwithmeinfrontofmywholefamily.Andthatdidn’tonlyincludetheweddingday,butalsothetwodaysofcelebratoryeventsthatprecededthat.Whichmeant,Iwasscrewed.Iwas—
“…andthatwouldbeLina.”
Mynamebrokeintomybrain,makingeverythingelsevanish.
Idroppedmypenonthetableandclearedmythroat.“Yes,here.”Itriedtoreinsertmyselfintheconversation.“Listening.I’mlistening.”
“Isn’tthatwhatsomeonewhowasn’tlisteningwouldsay?”
Mygazeshotacrosstheroom,meetingapairofblueeyesonthevergeofshowingamusementifthemanbehindthemwascapableofhumanemotions.
Istraightenedmybackandturnedapageofmyplanner.“IwaswritingdownsomethingforacallIhavewithaclientlaterandlosttrackoftheconversation,”Ilied.“Somethingimportant.”
Aaronhummed,noddinghishead.
Thankfully,heletitgo.
“Let’srecapalittlebit.Justsoweareallclearonwherewestand,”Kabirofferedinagentlevoice.
He’dbegettingamuffintomorrow.
“Thankyou,Kabir.”Igavehimabrightsmile.
Towhichheblushedandreciprocatedwithawobblyone.
Iheardanimpatientexhalecomingfromacrosstheroom.Now,hewouldnotbegettingamuffintomorrow.Orever.
“So,”Kabirfinallysaid,“Jeffwantedtoattendtoday’smeetingtotellyoupersonally,butyouknowhowbusythescheduleofaheadofdivisionis.Lotsofparallelappointments.Hewillforwardyoualltheinfoyouneedanyway,butIthoughtitwouldbeagoodideatogiveyouaheads-upbefore.”
Iblinked.Whatthehellarewetalkingabout?“Thankyouagainforthat,Kabir.”
“Youarewelcome,Lina.”Henodded.“Ithinkthatcommunicationbetweenallfiveofusiskeytoaccomplish—”
“Kabir”—Aaron’svoicefilledtheroom—“yourpoint.”
Kabir’seyesjumpedtohim,andheappearedalittlestartled.“Yes,thanks,Aaron.”Then,hehadtoclearhisthroattwicebeforehecouldcontinue,“InTechwillhostanOpenDayinafewweeks.Abiggroupofpeoplewillattend,mostlypotentialclientswhoarecuriousaboutwhatweofferbutalsosomeofthebiggestprojectsweareworkingon.Jeffmentionedthatallattendantsareprettyhighinmanagement,too,whichmakessensebecausethisisaninitiativetoexpandandstrengthenournetworkandtodoitface-to-face.HewantsInTechtoshowoff.Tolookgood.Modern.Todemonstratethatweareup-to-datewiththecurrentmarkets.Butatthesametime,showallprospectiveandcurrentclientsthatwearenotallaboutworking.”Hechucklednervously.“That’swhyOpenDaywilllastfromeighta.m.,whentheattendantswillbewelcomedhereatourheadquarters,untilmidnight.”
“Midnight?”Imurmured,barelyabletoconcealmysurprise.
“Yes.”Kabirnoddedenthusiastically.“Isn’titrefreshing?Itwillbeafull-blownevent.Allkindsofworkshopsonnewtechnologies,knowledge-exchangesessions,activitiestogettoknowourclientsandtheirneeds.Andofcourse,we’llhavebreakfast,lunch,anddinnercatered.Oh,andafter-workdrinkstoo.Youknow,tolightenthingsup.”
MyeyeshadgraduallywidenedasKabirdeliveredhisexplanation.
“That…”Héctorstarted.“Thatsoundsdifferent.”
Itdid.Anditsoundedlikeacomplexeventtoplaninonlyafewweeks.
“Yes,”Geraldanswered,soundingsuspiciouslysmug.“ItwilldefinitelyputInTechaheadinthegame.”
Kabirnoddedashisgazemetmine.“Absolutely.AndJeffwantsyoutobeinchargeofeverything,Lina.Howamazingisthat?”
Iblinked,restingmybackagainsttheseat.“Hewantsmetoorganizeit?Allofit?”
“Yes.”Mycolleaguesmiledatme,likehewasgivingmegoodnews.“Andhostittoo.Outofthefiveofus,youareourmostattractiveoption.”
Blinkingveryslowly,Iwatchedhislipsfalldown,probablybecauseoftheexpressioncoatingmyface.
Attractive.Takingadeepbreath,Itriedtosteadymyself.“Well,I’mflatteredtobeconsideredthemostattractiveoption,”Ilied,willingmyselfnottofocusonhowmybloodhadstartedswirling.“ButIhardlyhavethetimeortheexperiencetoorganizesomethinglikethis.”
“ButJeffinsisted,”Kabircounteredback.“Andit’simportantforInTechtohavesomeonelikeyourepresentingthecompany.”
Ishouldaskwhatsomeonelikemewassupposedtomean,butIdidn’tthinkIwantedtoheartheanswer.Mythroatdriedup,makingitharderformetoswallow.“Wouldn’tanyofusaccomplishthesameobjective?Shouldn’tsomeonewithexperienceinwhatsoundslikeapublicrelationsaffairthrowtogetheraneventthisimportant?”
Kabirdeflected,notansweringmyquestion.“Jeffsaidyouwouldbefinewiththeorganization.Thatwedon’tneedtospendextraresources,hiringsomeone.Plus,youare…”Hetrailedoff,lookinglikehe’dratherbeanywhereelse.“Social.Perky.”
Clenchingmyfistunderthetable,Itriedmybesttohidemyinnerturmoil.“Sure,”Igrittedout.Thatwaseveryperson’sdream,beingreferredtoasperkybytheirboss.“ButIalsohaveajobtodo.IalsohaveprojectsthatI’mworkingontheclockfor.Howisthis…eventmoreimportantthanmyownclientsandcurrentresponsibilities?”
Iremainedsilentforalongmoment,waitingformycolleagues’support.
Anykindofsupport.
And…nothing,justtheusualloadedsilencethatfollowedthesekindsofsituations.
Ishiftedinmychair,feelingmycheeksheatupwithfrustration.“Kabir,”IsaidascalmlyasIcould,“IknowJeffmighthavesuggestedthatIbeinchargeofthis,butyouguysunderstandthatthisdoesn’tevenmakesense,right?I…wouldn’tevenknowwheretostart.”Thiswasn’tathingIhadbeenhiredorwaspaidfor.
Butnoonewasgoingtoadmitthat,evenwhentheirsupportwouldmakeadifference.ThatwouldleadtotherealreasonwhyIhadbeengiventhistask.
“I’malreadycoveringfortwoofmybestteammembers,LindaandPatricia.Idon’thavehoursintheweekasitis.”Ihatedcomplainingandfishingforsome—oratthispoint,any—kindofunderstanding,butwhatelsecouldIdo?
Geraldsnorted,makingmyheadswivelinhisdirection.“Well,that’sadrawbackofhiringwomenintheirthirties.”
Iscoffed,notwantingtobelievethathehadjustsaidthat.Buthehad.Iopenedmymouth,butHéctorstoppedmefromsayinganything.
“Allright,howaboutweallhelpyou?”Héctorsuggested.Ilookedathim,findinghimwitharesignedexpression.“Wecouldmaybeallpitchinwithsomething.”
Ilovedtheman,buthissoftheartandlackofconfrontationalspiritweren’thelpingallthatmuch.Hewasonlytiptoeingaroundtherealissue.
“Thisisnothighschool,Héctor,”Geraldsnappedback.“Weareprofessionals,andwewon’tbepitchinginwithanything.”Shakinghisgreasy,baldhead,hefollowedthatwithanothersnort.
Héctor’smouthclampedshut.
Kabirspokeagain,“I’llforwardyouthelistofpeopleJeffputtogether,Lina.”
Ishookmyheadagain,feelingmycheeksheatupfurther,bitingmytonguesoIwouldn’ttellmycolleaguesomethingI’dregret.
“Oh,”Kabiradded,“Jeffalsohadafewideasforthecatering.That’sinaseparateemailthatIwillforwardtoyoutoo.Buthewantsyoutodoalittleresearchonthat.Maybeeventhinkofatheme.Hesaidyou’dknowwhattodo.”
Mylipspartedwithasilentcursewordthatwouldmakemyabuelatakemetochurchbytheear.I’dknowwhattodo?HowwouldIknow?
ReachingformypenandholdingitwithbothhandssoIcouldsqueezesomeofthegrowingfrustrationaway,Itookadeepbreath.“I’mgoingtotalktoJeffmyself,”Isaidthroughpressedteeththatformedatightsmile.“I’dusuallynotbotherhimbut—”
“Wouldyoujuststopwastingourtimealready?”Geraldsaid,makingthebloodinmyfacedroptomyfeet.“Youdon’thavetotakethistoourboss.”Gerald’schubbyfingerwavedthroughtheair.“Stopmakingexcusesandjustdoit.Youcansmileandbeextrafriendlyforawholeday,can’tyou?”
ThewordsextraandfriendlyechoedinmyheadasIstaredathimwithwideeyes.
Thesweatyman,crammedintoadressshirtdesignedforsomeonewhohadaclasshe’dneverachieve,wouldtakeanychancehecouldgettobringanyonedown.Evenmoresoifthathappenedtobeawoman.Iknew
“Gerald”—Igentledmyvoiceandincreasedthepressureonmypen,prayingitwouldn’tbreakandgiveawayhowoutragedIreallyfelt—“thepurposeofthismeetingistodiscussissueslikethisone.So,I’msorry,butyouaregoingtohavetolistentomedoexactly—”
“Sweetheart,”Geraldinterruptedme,asneerbreakingacrosshisface,“thinkofitasaparty.Womenknowaboutthose,don’tthey?Justpreparesomeactivities,getsomefooddeliveredhere,putonniceclothes,andcracksomejokes.Youareyoungandcute;youwon’tevenhavetouseyourbrainallthatmuch.They’llbeeatingrightoutofyourhand.”Hechuckled.“I’msureyouknowhowtodothat,don’tyou?”
Ichokedonmyownwords.Theairthatwassupposedtobegettinginandoutofmylungswasstucksomewhereinbetween.
Notabletocontrolwhatmybodywasdoing,Ifeltmylegsstraighten,bringingmeup.Mychairscreechedback,thenoiseloudandsudden.Smackingbothhandsonthesurfaceofthedesk,Ifeltmyheadblankforasecond,andIsawred.Literally.Inthatprecisemoment,Iunderstoodwheretheexpressionhadcomefrom.Isawfuckingred,asifIhadslippedonapairofglasseswithcrimsonlenses.
Somewheretomyright,IheardHéctorexhalingheavily.Mutteringunderhisbreath.
Then,Iheardnothing.Onlymyhearthammeringinmychest.
Thereitwas.Thetruth.TherealreasonwhyI,amongthefourotherpeoplesittinginthisroom,hadbeenhandpickedtodothisdamnthing.Iwasawoman—theonlywomaninthedivision,leadingateam—andIhadthegoods,nomatterhowgenerousmycurveswereornot.Perky,cute,female.Iwastheattractiveoption,apparently.IwasbeingshowcasedtoourclientsasthegoldentokenthatprovedthatInTechwasnotstuckinthepast.
“Lina.”Iwilledmyvoicetoremainfirmandcalm,hatingthatithadn’t.HatingthatIwantedtoturnaroundandletmylegscarrymeoutoftheroom.“Notsweetheart.MynameisLina.”Isatbackonmychairveryslowly,clearingmythroatandtakingoneextramomenttoreinitinIhavethis.Ineedtohavethis.“Nexttime,makesuretousemyname,please.Andaddressmewiththedecencyandprofessionalismyoudowitheveryoneelse.”MyvoicereachedmyearsinawayIdidn’tlikeonebit.MakingmefeelthatweakversionofmyselfthatIdidn’twanttobe.ButatleastIhadmanagedtogetitalloutwithoutflippingorrunningaway.“Thanks.”
Sensinghowmyeyeswerestartingtofeelglassyoutofpureoutrageandfrustration,Iblinkedafewtimes,willingthatandeverythingelseawayfrommyface.Wishingthatthelumpinmythroathadnothingtodowithembarrassment,evenwhenitdid.BecausehowcouldInotfeelembarrassedwhenIhadsnappedlikethat?When—evenafterwhathadhappenedallthattimeago,evenbeingthatthiswasn’tthefirsttimeI’dhadtodealwiththiskindofcrap—Istilldidn’tknowhow?
Geraldrolledhiseyes.“Don’ttakeitsoseriously,Lina.”Heshotmeacondescendinglook.“Iwasjustjokingaround.Right,guys?”
Helookedoveratourcolleagues,searchingtheroomfortheirsupport.
Hedidn’tfindany.
Outofthecornerofmyeye,IwatchedHéctordeflatinginhischair.“Gerald…”hesaid,soundingtiredanddiscouraged.“Comeon,man.”
KeepingmyeyesonGeraldandtryingtostopmychestfromheavingwithbuildinghelplessness,Irefusedtolookattheothertwomen,KabirandAaron,whoremainedsilent.
Theyprobablythoughttheywerenottakinganyside,buttheywere.Theirsilencewasdoingexactlythat.
“Oh,comeonwhat?”Geraldscoffed.“It’snotlikeIsaidanythingthat’snottrue.Thegirldoesn’tevenneedtotry—”
BeforeIcouldmusterthecouragetostophim,thelastpersonintheroomIhadexpectedtospeakbeatmetoit.“Wearedonehere.”
Myheadsnappedinhisdirectionthen,findinghimlookingatGeraldwithsomethingsothickandchillingthatIcouldalmostfeeltheairintheroomdropacoupleofdegrees.
Shakingmyhead,IsnaggedmygazeoffAaron.Hecouldhavesaidanythinginthelasttenminutes,andhehadchosennotto.HecouldremainsilentforallIcared.
Gerald’schairscrapedagainstthefloor,allowinghimtostandup.“Yes,wearecertainlydone,”hesaidflatly,gatheringhisthings.“Idon’thavetimeforthiseither.Sheknowswhattodoanyway.”
Andwiththatlittlepearl,Geraldwalkedtothedoorandlefttheroom.
Myheartwasstillhammeringinmychest,pummelinginmytemples.
Kabirfollowedsuit,standingupandlookingatmeapologetically.“Iamnottakinghisside,okay?”HiseyesmovedinAaron’sdirectionquickly,returningtomejustasfast.“ThiswholethingcamefromJeff;hewantsyoutodothis.Don’tthinktoomuchaboutit.Takeitasacompliment.”
Notbotheringtoanswer,Iwatchedhimleavetheroom.
ThemanwhohadalmosttakenmeinandtreatedmeasonemoreoftheDíazclanlookedatmeandshookhishead.Hemouthed,Quépendejo,whichpluckedaweaksmileoutofmebecauseevenifthatwasn’tsomethingwewouldeversayinSpain,Iknewexactlywhathemeant.
AndHéctorwasright.WhatatotalasshatGeraldwas.
AndthentherewasAaron.Whohadn’tevenbotheredtolookatmeyet.Hislongfingersmethodicallygatheredhisthings,andhisevenlongerlegspushedthechairback,makingitpossibleforhimtostraightentohisfullheight.
WhileIglancedathim,stilloutofsortsbyeverythingthathadjustgonedown,Iwatchedhowhisgazebouncedfromhishandstome.Hiseyes,whichIcouldtellhadsoberedupandreturnedtothataloofsemblance,remainedonmeforaheartbeatandthendismissedmejustasquickly.
Justlikehealwaysdid.
Mygazefollowedhisoddlylargeandsturdyfigurewalktothedoorandintothehallway,thehammeringinmychestsomehowspeedingupandsettlingdown,allatonce.
“Let’sgo,mija,”Héctorsaid,nowstandingandlookingdownonme.“Ihaveabagofchicharronesinmyoffice.Ximenaslippeditintomylaptopbagtheotherday,andI’vebeensavingit.”Hefollowedthatwithawink.
Standingfrommychair,Ilaughedlightly.Héctor’slittlegirlwasgettingabearhugfrommethenexttimeIsawher.
“Youneedtoraisethatgirl’sweeklyallowance.”Ifollowedhimout,tryingmybesttoreturnthesmile.
AlthoughIcouldn’thelpbutnoticethatafteronlyafewsteps,thecornersofmylipswavered,breakingintosomethingthatdidn’tquitereachmyeyes.ChapterThree
Thiswasn’thowIhadpicturedmyeveninggoing.
Itwaslate,InTech’sheadquartershadmostlyemptied,Ihadatleastfourorfivehoursofworkaheadofme,andmystomachwasrumblingsoloudlythatIsuspecteditwasabouttostarteatingitself.
“Estoyjodida,”Isaidundermybreath,realizinghowscrewedIreallywas.
One,becausethelastthingIhadeatenwasasadgreensaladthatclearlyturnedouttobeabigmistakeasmuchasithadseemedthemostsensibleidea,havingtheweddingatotaloffourweeksaway.Two,Ididn’thaveanysnacksathandandnochangeforthevendingmachinedownstairs.Andthree,thePowerPointslideonmylaptopscreenwasstillblinkingatme,half-empty.
Myhandsfellonmykeyboard,hesitatingoverthekeysforafullminute.
Atextpingedfrommyphone,drawingmyattention.Rosie’snameflashedonthescreen.Iunlockedit,andanimageimmediatelypoppedopen.
Itwasaphotoofalusciousflatwhite,toppedbyabeautifulmilkfoamrosette.Besideit,therewasatriple-chocolatebrowniethatshamelesslyglintedunderthelight.
Rosie:Youin?
Shedidn’tneedtospecifytheplanorsendmetheaddress.ThatfeastcouldonlybelongtoAroundtheCorner,ourfavoritecoffeeshopinthecity.MymouthstartedimmediatelysalivatingatthethoughtofbeinginthatcaffeinatedsafehavenonMadisonAvenue.
Mufflingagroan,Iwroteback.
Lina:I’dloveto,butI’mstuckatwork.
Threedotsjumpedonthescreen.
Rosie:Yousure?Isavedyouaseat.
BeforeIcouldtypebackareply,anothertextcamethrough.
Rosie:Igotthelastbrownie,butI’llshare.Onlyifyougetherequickly.I’mnotmadeofsteel.
Isighed.DefinitelybetterthantherealityofworkingextratimeonaWednesdayeveningbut…
Lina:Ican’t.I’mworkingontheOpenDaystuffItoldyouabout.I’mdeletingthatphoto,BTW.Tootempting.
Rosie:Ohno.Youdidn’ttellmemorethanthefactthatyouwerestuckwithit.When’sittakingplace?
Lina:RightafterI’mbackfromSpain.*brideemoji**skullemoji*
Rosie:Istilldon’tgetwhyyouhavetodoit.Aren’tyouswampedwithwork?
Yep.ThatwasexactlywhatIshouldhavebeendoing,thejobIwaspaidtodo.Notorganizinganopen-doorsdaythatservedasanexcusetoshowaroundabunchofsuitsthatI’dhavetofeed,babysit,andbeextraniceto.Whateverthehellthatmeant.Butcomplainingwouldn’tgetmeanywhere.
Lina:*unamusedemoji*Itiswhatitis
Rosie:Yeah,well,Idon’tlikeJeffallthatmuchrightnow.
Lina:Ithoughtyousaidhewasasilverfox.*smirkingemoji*
Rosie:Isaid,objectively.Andhecanlookgoodfora50-year-oldandstillbeajerk.YouknowIseemtofindthoseparticularlyattractive.
Lina:Youkindado,Rosie.ThatTedwasatotalassface.Happyyoutwoarenotathinganymore.
Rosie:*pooemoji*
Thetextsstoppedcominglongenoughformetothinkourconversationwasdone.Good.Ineededtoworkonthiscrappy—
Myphonepingedagain.
Rosie:Sorry,theowner’shusbandjustshowedup,andIgotdistracted.#swoon
Rosie:Heissohandsome.Hebringsherflowersonceaweek.*cryingemoji*
Lina:Rosalyn,I’mtryingtoworkhere.Snapaphotoandshowmetomorrow.
Rosie:Sorry,sorry.DidyoutalktoAaron,BTW?*thinkingfaceemoji*Ishestillwaiting?
Iwasn’tproudtoadmitthatmystomachhaddroppedattheunexpectedmentionofsomethingIhadn’tletmyselfthinkabout.
Liar.ThesepasttwodayshadfeltlikewaitingforabombtodropwhenIleastexpectedit.
No,eversinceMonday,Aaronhadn’tsaidanythingaboutthewholeI’llbeyourdatetotheweddingnonsense.NeitherhadRosiebecausewehadbarelyseeneachotherwithhowbusybothourscheduleswere.
Lina:Ihavenoideawhatyoumean.Ishewaitingforsomething?
Rosie:…
Lina:Somethinglikeahearttransplant?Iheardhedoesn’thaveone.
Rosie:Ha,funny.Youshouldkeepthejokesforwhenyoutwotalk.
Lina:Wewon’t.
Rosie:That’sright.Youtwoaretoobusystaringateachotherintently.*fireemoji*
Anunwantedblushrushedtomycheeks.
Lina:What’sthatsupposedtomean?
Rosie:Youknowwhatitmeans.
Lina:ThatIwanttolighthimupinapyrelikeawitch?Then,okay.
Rosie:He’sprobablyworkinglatetoo.
Lina:So?
Rosie:So…youcouldalwaysgotohisofficeandglareathiminthatwayI’msureheloves.
WhoaWhattheheck?
ImoveduncomfortablyinmychairasIstaredatmyphonescreeninhorror.
Lina:WTFareyoutalkingabout?Didyoueattoomuchchocolateagain?Youknowitmakesyoutrippy.*shockedemoji*
Rosie:Deflectallyouwant.
Lina:Notdeflecting,justgenuinelyconcernedaboutyourhealthrightnow.
Rosie:*eyerollemoji*
Thiswasnew.Myfriendhadneverdirectlyaddressedwhatevernonsenseshethoughtshesaw.Shestilldroppedacommenthereandthereeveryonceinawhile.
“Simmeringtension,”shehadsaidonetime.
TowhichIhadsnortedsohardthatalittlebitofwatercameoutmynose.
ThatwashowridiculousIthoughtherobservationswere.
Inmyhumbleopinion,allthosesoapyshowsshewatchedwerestartingtomessupherperceptionofreality.Hell,andIwastheSpanishoneoutofthetwo.Ihadgrownupwatchingsoapoperaswithmyabuela.ButIsurelywasn’tlivinginone.Therewasn’tsimmeringtensionbetweenAaronBlackfordandme.Ididnotglareathiminawayheloved.Aarondidn’tloveanything—hecouldn’tdothatwithoutaheart.
Lina:Allright,Ihaveworktodo,soI’llletyougetbacktoyourcoffee,butstopraidingthepastrycounter.I’mconcerned.
Rosie:Okay,okay.I’llstop—fornow.*heartemoji*Goodluck!
Lina:*heartemoji**fireemoji*
Lockingmyphoneandplacingitfacedownonthetable,Itookadeep,energizingbreath.
Timetogetthisshowgoing.
Theimageofthechocolatebrowniepoppedinmyhead.Assaultingme.
No,Lina
Thinkingofbrownies—oranyfood—wasn’tgoingtohelp.IneededtomakemyselfbelievethatIwasn’thungry.
“I’mnothungry,”Isaidoutloud,puttingmychestnuthairinabun.“Mystomachisfull.Packedwithallkindsofdeliciousfood.Liketacos.Orpizza.Orbrownies.Coffeeand—”
Mystomachgrumbled,ignoringmyvisualizationexerciseandinvadingmymindwithmemoriesofAroundtheCorner.Thedeliciousscentofroastedcoffeebeans.Thewelcomesensoryattackthatinvolvedtakingabiteofabrowniethatincludedthreesortsofchocolate.Thesoundofthecoffeemachinesteamingmilk.
Anothercomplaintrosefrommynoisystomach.
Sighing,IreluctantlykickedoutallthoseimagesoffmymindandrolledupthesleevesofthethincardiganIhadtowearinthebuilding,thankstotheACbeingtuneduptothemaxinsummer.
“Okay,stomach,workwithmehere,”Imutteredtomyself,asifthewordswouldmaybemakesomekindofdifference.“I’lltakeustoAroundtheCornertomorrow.Now,youneedtostayquietandletmework.Okay?”
“Okay.”
Thewordechoedinmyoffice,asifithadbeenmystomachanswering.
ButIwasn’tthatlucky.
“Thatwasodd.”Thesamedeepvoicecameagain.“ButIguessitgoeswithyourpersonality.”
Notneedingtoliftmyheadtoknowwhowasbehindthatrichtone,Iclosedmyeyes.
Damnyou,RosalynGraham.Yousummonedthisevilentityintomyoffice,andyou’llpayforthisinchocolate.
Cursingundermybreath—because,ofcourse,ithadtobehimhearingmerallymyself—Ischooledmyfaceintoaneutralexpressionandlookedupfrommydesk.“Odd?Iliketothinkofitasendearing.”
“No,”heansweredquickly.Waytooquickly.“It’salittledisturbingwhenyousaymorethanacoupleofwords.Andyouwerehavingafullconversationwithyourself.”
IgrabbedthefirstthingIfoundlyingaroundinmydesk—ahighlighter.Ibreathedinandthenout.“I’msorry,Blackford.ButIdon’thavetimetopickapartmyquirksrightnow,”Isaid,holdingmyhighlighterintheair.“Doyouneedanything?”
Itookhiminashestoodunderthethresholdofmyofficedoor,hislaptopunderoneofhisarms,oneofhisdarkeyebrowsraised.
“What’sAroundtheCorner?”hequeried,startinginmydirection.
Exhalingslowly,Iignoredhisquestionandwatchedhislonglegsclosingthedistancetomydesk.Then,Ihadtowatchhimwalkarounditandstopsomewheretomyleft.
Iswiveledmyofficechair,fullyfacinghim.“Sorry,butisthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith?”
Hisgazefellbehindme,onmylaptopscreen,hisbigbodybendingdown.
Myeyesshottohisface,probablylookingathiminoneofthewaysRosiehadpointedoutearlier—glaring—onlywithoutwhatevercrapshe’dreadbetweenlinesthatdidn’tevenexist.Hisbrowsdrewin.
Aaronplacedhislefthandonmydeskandbentfurtherdown.
“Excuseme?”Itoldtohisroundandkindofhugeshoulder.
Jesus,whatishe,agiant?
Realizinghowveryclosehisbodywastomyfaceandhowmuchlargeritseemedupclose,Ileanedbackinmychair.“Hello?”ThewordcameoutwobblierthanIwouldhavepreferred.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hehummed,thesoftnoisesoundingascloseashewas.Rightinmyface.
“Blackford,”Isaidveryslowly,watchinghowhiseyesscannedthePowerPointslideonmyscreen.ItdisplayedadraftofthescheduleIwasassemblingforInTech’sOpenDay.
Iknewwhathewasdoing.ButIdidn’tknowwhy.Orwhyhewasignoringme—besidesbecausehewastryingtobethebiggestpaininmyass.
“Blackford,I’mtalkingtoyou.”
Lostinthought,hehummedagain,thatdamnnoisesoundingallhushedandmasculine.
Andannoying,Iremindedmyself.
Iswallowedthelumpthathadjustmagicallyappearedinmythroat.
Then,hefinallyspoke,“Isthatallyou’vegot?”
Heabsentlyplacedhislaptoponmydesk.Rightbesidemine.Myeyesnarrowed.
“Eighta.m.Meetandgreet.”Onebulkyarmflewinfrontofmyface,pointingatmyscreen.
Iplasteredmybodytothebackrestofmychair,watchinghisbicepsflexunderthefabricoftheplainbutton-downhewore.
Aaroncontinuedreadingoutloudfrommyscreen,pointingwithhisfingerateveryitem,“Ninea.m.AnintroductiontoInTech’sbusinessstrategies.”
Myeyestraveledallthewayuptohisshoulder.
“Tena.m.Coffeebreak…untilelevena.m.Thatwillrequirelargeamountsofcoffee.Elevena.m.Pre-lunchactivities.Notspecified.”
Isurprisedmyself,noticinghowhisarmfilledoutthesleeveperfectlyandcompletely,hismusclessnuggledintothethinfabricandnotleavingmuchspaceforimagination.
“Noon.Lunchbreak…untiltwop.m.Quitethebanquet.Oh,andthere’sanothercoffeebreakatthreep.m.”ThatarmIhadbeenfocusedonhaltedintheairandthendropped.
Flushed,IremindedmyselfthatIwasn’theretogawkathim.OrthemusclesInoticedbeneathhisboringclothes
“ThisisworsethanIthought.Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
Isnappedoutmytrance,lookingupathim.“Excuseme,what?”
Aarontiltedhishead,andthensomethingseemedtocatchhisattention.Mygazefollowedhishandacrossmydesk.
“Aneventlikethisone,”hesaid.Then,hepickeduponeofthepensIhadscatteredaround.“Youhaveneverplannedone.Andyoudon’tseemtoknowhow.”Hedroppeditinmycactus-shapedpencilcup.
“Ihavesomeexperiencewithworkshops,”ImutteredasIfollowedhisfingersrepeatingtheactionwithasecondpen.“Butjustforcolleagues,neverforprospectiveclients.”Thenathirdone.“Excuseme,whatdoyouthinkyouaredoing?”
“Okay,”heansweredsimply,grabbingmyfavoritepencil,onethatwaspink,toppedwithafeatherinthesamebrightcolor.Helookedatitstrangely,hisbrowsarchingup.“It’snotideal,butit’sastart.”Hepointedatmewiththepencil.“This?Seriously?”
Isnaggeditoutofhishand.“Itcheersmeup.”Idroppeditinthecup.“Doesitoffendyourtastes,Mr.Robot?”
Aarondidn’tanswer.Instead,hishandswentforacoupleoffoldersIhadpiledup—okay,fine,theyhadbeenratherdroppeddownsomewhere—tomyright.“Iknowmywayaroundeventslikethisone,”hesaid,pickingthemupandsquaringthemonacornerofmydesk.“IorganizedacouplebeforecomingtoworkforInTech.”Hefollowedthatupwithgoingformyplanner,whichhadbeenlyingupsidedownsomewhereinthemessthatIwasstartingtorealizewasmyworkingspace.Hehelditinhispaw-sizedhands.“Wejustneedtoworkfast;there’snotmuchtimetoputeverythingtogether.”
Whoa,whoa,whoa
“We?”Irippedmyplanneroutofhishold.“There’snowehere,”Iscoffed.“Andwouldyoupleaseleavemystuffalone?Whatareyoueventryingtoaccomplish?”
Hisfurtivehandmovedagain,goingaroundthebackofmychair.Aaronwasalmostsandwichingmebetweenthedeskandmychairashisheadhoveredabovemine,hiseyesroamingaroundmythings
Iwaitedformyanswer,watchinghisprofileandtryingreallyhardnottoacknowledgethewarmthIfeltradiatingoffhisbody.
“There’snowayyoucanfocus;yourdeskisallcluttered,”hefinallytoldmeinamatter-of-facttone.“So,I’mfixingit.”
Mymouthwashangingopen.“Icouldfocusjustfineuntilyougothere.”
“CanIseetheattendeelistJeffdrafted?”Hisfingersflewoverthekeysofmylaptop,openingawindow.
Allthewhile,Ifeltmybodygrowing…warm.Uncomfortable.Butatleasthehadstoppedtouchingallmythings.
“Oh,hereitis.”HeseemedtoscanthedocumentasIjuststaredathisprofile,startingtofeeloverwhelmedbyhisproximity.
Jesus
“Allright,”hecontinued,“that’snotalotofpeople,soatleastthecateringwillberelativelyeasytogetsorted.Asforthe…outlineyouprepared,thatwon’twork.”
Droppingmyhandsonmylap,Ifeltdreadspreadinginmybelly,makingmewonderhowintheworldIwasgoingtopullthisoff.“Ididn’taskforyouropinion,butthanksforlettingmeknow,”Isaidweakly,reachingformylaptopandbringingitcloser.“Now,ifyoudon’tmind,I’llgetbacktoit.”
AaronlookeddownjustasIglancedupathim.
Hesearchedmyfaceforabriefmomentthatseemedtostretchintoafull—andveryuncomfortable—minute.
Steppingfrombehindme,hemovedtomyotherside.Heleanedonthetablewithstrongforearms,whichImighthavelookedatasecondtoolong,andturnedonhisownlaptop.
“Aaron,”IsaidforwhatIhopedwasthelastdamntimetonight,“youdon’tneedtohelpme.Ifthat’swhatyouaretryingtodohere.”ThatlastpartImuttered.
IrolledmychairclosertomydeskasIwatchedhimpunchinhispassword,tryinghardnottofocusonthoseinfuriatingbroadshouldersthatwererightinmylineofvisionasheleanedonthewoodensurface.
PorelamordeDios.Ineededtostop…checkinghimout.
Mystarvedbrainwasclearlystrugglingtobehavenormally.Anditwashisfault.Ineededhimgone.ASAP.Atanormaldistance,hewasextremelyannoying,andnow,hewas…rightfreakinghere.Beingextradifficult.
“Ihavesomethingwecanuse.”Aaron’sfingersflewoverthepadofhislaptopashelookedforthedocumentIguessedhewasreferringto.“Beforeleavingmyformeremployer,theyhadmeputtogetheralist.Amanualofsorts.Itshouldbesomewherehere.Holdon.”
AaronkepttypingandclickingasIgrewmoreandmoreirritatedbythesecond.Withmyself,withhim.Withjust…everything.
“Aaron,”IsaidasaPDFdocumentfinallyblinkedopenonhisscreen.Isoftenedmyvoice,thinkingmaybebeingasniceasIcouldeverbewhenitcametohimwasthewaytogoaboutthis.“It’slate,andyoudon’thavetodothis.Youhavealreadypointedmeintherightdirection.Now,youcango.”Ipointedatthedoor.“Thankyou.”
ThefingersIwasstillwatchinggracefullytappedonthekeysonemoretime.“Itincludesalittlebitofeverything—workshopexamples,keyconceptsforactivitiesandgroupdynamics,andevenobjectivesthatshouldbekeptinmind.Wecangothroughit.”
We.Thatwordagain
“Icandothisonmyown,Blackford.”
“Icanhelp.”
“Youmightbeableto,butyoudon’thaveto.IhavenoideawhyyouhavethisimpulsetoflyinwithyourredcapelikeanerdyClarkKentandsavetheday,butno,thanks.Youmightlookalittlelikehim,butI’mnotadamselindistress.”
TheworstpartwasthatIactuallyneededthehelp.WhatIhadtroubleacceptingwasthatAaronwastheonewillingtoprovideit.
Hestraightenedtohisfulllength.“AnerdyClarkKent?”Hisbrowsfurrowed.“Isthatsupposedtobeacompliment?”
Mymouthsnappedclosed.
“No.”Irolledmyeyeseventhoughhemighthavebeenalittleright.
HesortoflookedlikethemanbehindSuperman’ssecretidentity.Nottheonewiththecape,theonewhoworeasuit,hadanine-to-fivejob,andwaskindof…hotforaguyworkinginanoffice.NotthatI’deveradmitthatoutloud.NoteventoRosie.
Aaronstudiedmyfaceforacoupleofseconds.
“IthinkI’mgoingtotakeitasacompliment,”hesaidasoneofthecornersofhislipsbentupjustthetiniestlittlebit.
SmugClarkKentlook-alike.
“Well,it’snot.”Ireachedformymouse,clickingtoopenarandomfolder.“ThororCaptainAmerica?Thatwouldhavebeenacompliment.ButyouarenotaChris.Plus,noonecaresaboutSupermananymore,Mr.Kent.”
Aaronseemedtothinkaboutmystatementforaninstant.“Itsoundslikeyoustillcarethough.”
AsIignoredthat,heproceededtowalkbehindme.Then,IwatchedhimcrosstheofficetothedeskthatbelongedtooneoftheguysIsharedthespacewithbutwhohadobviouslylefthoursago.Hegrabbedhischairwithonehandandrolleditinmydirection.
Myarmscrossedinfrontofmychestasheplacedthatchairbesidemineandlethislargebodyfallonit,makingitsqueakandlookratherfrail.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskedhim.
“Youaskedmethatquestionalready.”Hepinnedmewithaboredlook.“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”
“Idon’tneedyourhelp,Blackford.”
Hesighed.“IthinkI’mhavinganotherdéjàvu.”
“You,”Istuttered.Thenscoffedagain.“I…ugh.”
“Catalina,”hesaid,andIhatedhowmynamesoundedonislipsinthatprecisemoment.“Youneedthehelp.So,I’msavingusbothsometimebecausewebothknowyou’dneverask.”
Hewasn’twrong.IwouldneveraskAaronforanything,notwhenIknewexactlywhathethoughtaboutme.Personally,professionally,itdidn’tmatter.Ihadbeenwellawareofwhathethoughtofmeallthistime.Ihadheardhimmyselfallthosemonthsagoevenifhedidn’tknowthat.So,no,Irefusedtoacceptanythingfromhim.Asmuchasthatturnedmeintoagrudge-holdertoo.Justlikehewas.I’dlivewithit.
Aaronleanedbackandplacedhishandsonthechair’sarmrests.Theshirtstrainedwiththemotion,thechangeinthetensionofthefabrictooflatteringenoughformyeyesnottounconsciouslydriftthere.
Jesus.Myeyesflutteredclosedforasecond.Iwashungry,tiredfromdealingwithallthis,betrayedbymyowntwoeyes,andhonestlysimplyconfusedatthispoint.
“Stopbeingsostubborn,”hesaid.
Stubborn.Why?BecauseIhadn’taskedforhishelpandIwassupposedtotakeitwhenhedecidedtoofferit?
Now,Iwaspissed.ThatwasprobablywhyIopenedmymouthwithoutthinking.“That’swhyyoudidn’tspeakupduringthemeetingwhereallthiswasdumpedonmeandthensome?BecauseIdidn’taskforhelp?BecauseIamtoostubborntoeveracceptit?”
Aaron’sheadrearedbackjustslightly;hewasprobablyshockedbymyadmission.
Iimmediatelyregrettedsayinganything.Idid.Butithadsomehowslippedout,asifthewordshadbeensqueezedoutofme.
Somethingflashedthroughhisotherwiseseriousexpression.“Ididn’trealizeyouwantedmetostepin.”
Ofcoursenot.Noonehad.NotevenHéctor,whoIalmostconsideredfamily.Didn’tIknowthatbynow?Yes,Iwasmorethanfamiliarwiththefactthatwhenitcametothesesituations,thereweretwogroupsofpeople.Thosewhobelievedthatnotsayinganythingmadethemstandinneutralgroundandthosewhopickedaside.Andmoreoftenthannot,itwasthewrongone.Sure,itwasn’talwaysasharmlessascondescendinganddisrespectfulcommentslikethoseGeraldhadmade.Sometimes,itwasfar,farworsethanjustthat.Iknewthat.Ihadexperiencedthatfirsthandalongtimeago.
Ishookmyhead,pushingthememoriesaway.“Wouldthathavemadeadifference,Aaron?IfIhadaskedyoutointervene?”Iaskedhim,asifheheldthesolutioninhishandswhenhereallydidn’t.Iwatchedhim,feelingmyheartracewithtrepidation.“OrifItoldyouIwasexhaustedfromhavingtoask,wouldyoustepinthen?”
Aaronstudiedmeinsilence,searchingmyfacealmostgingerly.
Mycheeksheatedupunderhisscrutiny,makingmeregretmoreandmorethatIhadspoken.
“ForgetIsaidanything,okay?”Iavertedmyeyes,feelingdisappointedandmadatmyselfforputtingAaron,outofallpeople,onthelinewhenhedidn’towemeanything.Notasinglething.“I’mstuckwiththisanyway.Itdoesn’tmatterhoworwhy.”Orthatitwouldn’tbethelasttime.
Aaronstraightened,leaninghisbodytowardmejustthesplinterofahair.HetookadeepbreathasIseemedtoholdmine,waitingforhimtosaywhateverwasbrewinginhismind.
“You’veneverneededanyonetofightyourbattles,Catalina.That’soneofthethingsIrespectthemostaboutyou.”
Hiswordsdidsomethingtomychest.SomethingthatcreatedakindofpressureIwasn’tcomfortablewith.
Aaronneversaidstufflikethat.Nottoanyoneandparticularlynottome.
Iopenedmymouthtotellhimthatitdidn’tmatter,thatIdidn’tcare,thatwecouldjustdropit,butheheldupahand,stoppingme.
“Ontheotherhand,Ineverpeggedyouforsomeonewhowouldcowerandnotgivetheirbestwhenfacedwithachallenge.Whetherit’sunfairlyimposedornot,”hesaid,turningawayandfacinghislaptop.“So,what’sitgoingtobe?”
Myjawclampedclosed.
I…Iwasn’tcowering.Iwasnotscaredofthisthing.IknewIcoulddoit.Ijust…hell,Iwasjustexhausted.Itwashard,findingthemotivationwhensomethingwasthisdiscouraging.“I’mnot—”
“Whatisitgoingtobe,Catalina?”Hisfingersmovedonthelaptoppadwithpractice.“Whiningorworking?”
“Iamnotwhining,”Ihuffed.
ClarkKentlook-alikejerk.
“Then,wework,”hefiredback.
Itookagoodlookathim,takinginhowhisjawbunchedupwithdetermination.Perhapssomeirritationtoo.
“There’snowehere,”Ibreathedout.
Heshookhishead,andIsworetheghostofasmilegracedhislipsforafragmentofasecond.
“IsweartoGod…”Helookedup,asifhewereaskingtheheavensforpatience.“Youaretakingthehelp.That’sit.”Hepeekeddownathiswatch,exhaling.“Idon’thavethewholedaytoconvinceyou.”Scowlbackinplace,hereturnedtotheAaronIknew.“We’vewastedenoughtimealready.”
ThisscowlingAaronIfeltmorecomfortablewith.Hedidn’tgoaround,sayingstupidstuff,likethatherespectedme.
Now,itwasmyturntoscowl,asIwaspainfullyawareofhowIwasn’tkickingAaronoutofmyofficeanymore.
“I’masstubbornasyouare,”hemurmured,typingsomethinginhislaptop.“YouknowIam.”
Returningmyattentiontomycomputerscreen,Idecidedtoallowthisstrangetrucetosettlebetweenus.JustforthesakeofInTech’sreputation.Formyownmentalhealth,too,becausehewasdrivingmecompletelycrazy.
We’dbetwoscowlingidiotswhowouldtolerateeachotherforanevening,Iguessed.
“Fine.I’llletyouhelpmeifyouaresosetonit,”Itoldhim,tryingnottofocusonthatwarmballofemotionforminginmybelly.
Onethatfeltalotlikegratitude.
Hepeekedatmequickly,somethingunreadableinhiseyes.“We’llneedtostartfromscratch.Openablanktemplate.”
Lookingaway,Itriedtofocusonmyscreen.
Wehadbeeninsilenceforacoupleofminuteswhenoutofthecornerofmyeye,Iperceivedmovement.Quicklyafter,heplacedsomethingonmydesk.Rightbetweenus.
“Here,”Iheardhimsayfrommyside.
Lookingdown,mygazefoundsomethingwrappedinwaxpaper.Itwasasquare,aboutthreeorfourincheslong.
“What’sthis?”Iaskedhim,myeyesjumpingtohisprofile.
“Agranolabar,”heansweredwithoutlookingatme,typingonhiskeyboard.“Youarehungry.Eatit.”
Iwatchedmyhandsmovetothesnackoftheirownaccord.Onceunwrapped,Iinspecteditclosely.Homemade.Ithadtobe,judgingbythewayroastedoats,driedfruits,andnutswereassembledtogether.
IheardAaron’slongsigh.“Ifyouaskmeifit’spoisoned,Iswear—”
“No,”Imurmured.
Then,Ishookmyhead,feelingthatweirdpressureinmychestagain.So,Itookthesnacktomymouth,bitintoit,and—holygranolabars.Imoanedindelight.
“ForChrist’ssake,”themantomyrightmutteredunderhisbreath.
Gobblingallthenuttyandsugaryamazingnessdown,Ishrugged.“Sorry,itwasamoan-worthybite.”
Iwatchedhisheadshakeashewasfocusedonthedocumentonhisscreen.AsIstudiedhisprofile,anoddandunfamiliarfeelingsettledin.AndithadnothingtodowithmyappreciationforAaron’sunexpectedbakingskills.Itwassomethingelse,somethingwarmandfuzzythatIhadgottenawhiffofafewminutesearlier,butnow,Iwantedtobendmylipsintoasmile.
Iwasgrateful.
AaronBlackford,scowlingClarkKentlook-alike,wasinmyoffice.Helpingmeandfeedingmehomemadesnacks,andIwasglad.Thankfuleven.
“Thankyou.”Thefugitivewordsescapedmylips.
Heturnedtofaceme,andIsawhimrelaxforaninstant.Then,hiseyesjumpedtomyscreen.Hescoffed,“Youstillhaven’topenedablanktemplate?”
“Oye.”TheSpanishwordslippedout.“Youdon’thavetobesobossy.Noteveryonehassuperspeedlikeyou,Mr.Kent.”
Hiseyebrowsrose,andhelookedunimpressed.“Quitethecontrary.Someevenhavetheoppositesuperpower.”
“Ha.”Irolledmyeyes.“Funny.”
Hisgazeshiftedbacktohisscreen.“Blanktemplate.Andmakeittoday,ifthat’snottoomuchtoask.”
Thiswasgoingtobealongnight.ChapterFour
“Mamá,”Isaidforthehundredthtime.“Mamá,escúchame,porfavor.”
Itwouldn’treallymatterifIaskedhertopleaselistentomeathousandmoretimes.Thatwasn’tsomethingmymotherexcelledat,muchlesseverpracticed.Listeningwasreservedforthosewhosevocalcordstookbreaks.
Alongandloudsighleftmylipsasmymother’svoicetraveledfrommyphonetomyearinheavyspurtsofSpanish.
“Madre,”Irepeated.
“…soifyoudecidetogowiththatotherdress—youknowwhichoneI’mtalkingabout?”mymotheraskedinSpanish,notreallygivingmeawindowtoanswer.“Theonethatisallflimsyandsilkyandfallstoyourankles.Well,asyourmother,Ineedtotellyouthatit’snotflattering.I’msorry,Lina,butyouareshort,andthecutofthedressmakesyoulookevenshorter.Andgreenisnotyourcoloreither.Idon’tthinkthat’sacolorthemadrinaoftheweddingshouldwear.”
“Iknow,Mamá.ButIalreadytoldyou—”
“You’lllooklikea…frogbutinheels.”
Gee,thanks,Mother.
Ichuckledandshookmyhead.“Itdoesn’tmatterbecauseI’mwearingthereddress.”
Agaspcamethroughtheline.“Ay.Whydidn’tyoutellmethisbefore?Youletmetalkforhalfanhouraboutallyourotheroptions.”
“Itoldyouassoonasitcameup.Youjust—”
“Well,Imusthaveletmyselfgetcarriedaway,cari?o.”
Iopenedmymouthtoconfirmthat,butshedidn’tgivemethechance.
“Perfect,”shecutin.“Thatissuchabeautifuldress,Lina.It’sclassyandflirty.”
Flirty?Whatwasthatsupposedtomean?
“Yourboobswillbeenteringthebanquetbeforeyou.”
Oh…oh.So,thatwaswhatshemeant.
“Butthecolordoesreallyflatteryourskin,bodyshape,andface.Notlikethefrogdress.”
“Thanks,”Imuttered.“Idon’tthinkI’lleverweargreenagain.”
“Good,”shesaidfartooquicklyfortakingitasagood-heartedcomment.“So,what’sthisboyfriendofyoursgoingtowear?Areyougoingtomatch?PapágotatieinthesameshadeofbabyblueI’llbewearing.”
Atinygroanslippedoutofmymouth.“Mamá,youknowthatIsahatesthat.Shespecificallytoldusnottomatch.”
Mysisterhadbeenveryinsistent—nomatchingcouples.Ievenhadtofightherovernotaddingthatinstructionontheinvites.It’dcostmealotofenergyandpatiencetoconvinceherthatshedidn’twanttobethatkindofbride.
“Well,giventhatIgavebirthtothebrideandthatIalreadyboughtthattieforPapá,Ithinkyoursisterisgoingtohavetomakeanexception.”
Leaveittohertobestubborn.Icertainlywas,mysisterprobablyevenmore,butourmother?Thewomanhadcreatedthetermbullheadedassheopenedhereyestotheworldthedayshewasborn.
“Ithinkshe’llhaveto,”Iadmittedundermybreath.
Reachingformyplanner,Iscribbledonmyto-dolisttocallIsatowarnher.
“Ihaveanonlinevoucheryoucanuse,Ithink,”MamácommentedwhileIunlockedmylaptopandabsentlycheckedmyinbox.“AlthoughmaybeitdoesnotworkoutsideSpain.Butitshould,shouldn’tit?Youaremydaughter,andyoushouldbeabletousemyvouchers,nomatterwhereyouareintheworld.Isn’tthatwhattheinternetissupposedtobefor?”
IclickedonanemailnotificationforanewseriesmeetingIhadreceived.“Yeah,sure.”AquickscanofthecontentsofthedescriptiontoldmeIshouldhaveprobablywaitedformymothertohangupbeforeopeningit.
“Yeah,sure,theinternetisforthat?Oryeah,sure,you’llusemyvoucher?”
Ileanedbackonmyseat,readingthroughtheinformationattached.
“Lina?”
Whatareweeventalkingabout?“Yes,Mamá.”
“Well,you’llhavetocheckthevoucheryourself;youknowIamnotgoodwiththisinternetthing.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid,stillnotknowingwhatIwasagreeingto.
“Unlesshehasatiealready?”
He.
Allmyattentionreturnedtotheconversation.
“Doeshe?”sheinsistedwhenIdidn’tanswer.“Yournewboyfriend.”
Smallbeadsofsweatformedonmyforeheadattheprospectofdiscussingthis.
Him
TheboyfriendIdidn’thavebutmyfamilybelievedIdid.
BecauseIhadtoldthem.
Liedtothem.
Allofasudden,mylipsweremagicallysewntogether.Iwaitedformymothertoconvenientlychangethetopicinthatchaoticandspeedywayshealwaysdidwhilemymindwentonapanickyfrenzy.
WhatamIsupposedtosayanyway?No,Mamá.Hecan’thaveatiebecausehedoesn’tevenexist.Imadehimup,yousee.Allinanattempttolookalittlelesspatheticandlonely.
PerhapsIcouldhangup.Orpretendtobebusyandterminatethecall.Butthatwouldfillmewithremorse,andfrankly,Ididn’tthinkIwasabletotakeonanymoreofthat.Also,mymotherwasn’tstupid.
She’dknowsomethingwasup.
ThiswasthewomanwhosewombIhadcomeoutof.
Moresecondstickedawayasnothingcameoutofmymouth,andIcouldn’tbelievethatforthefirsttimeinprobablyever,theMartínmatriarchwaswaitingformyanswerinsilence.
Shit
Afewmoresecondstickedaway.
Shit,shit,shit.
Confess,alittlevoiceinmyheadsaidButIshookmyhead,focusingononeofthelittledropletsofsweattrailingdownmyclammyback.
“Lina?”shefinallysaid,hervoiceunsure.Worried.“Didsomethinghappen?”
Iwasahorrible,lyinghumanbeingwhohadunquestionablyputthatconcernIcouldhearinhervoice.
“No…”Clearingmythroat,Iignoredtheheavinessthatfeltalotlikeshamesettleinmystomach.“I’mokay.”
Iheardhersigh.Itwasoneofthosesighsthatsmackedintoyou.Makingmefeelbadaboutmyself.AsifIcouldseeherlookingatmewitheyesfilledwithdefeatandalittlesorrow,shakingherhead.Ihatedit.
“Lina,youknowyoucantalktomeifsomethinghappened.”
Myguiltdeepened,souringmystomach.Ifeltawful.Stupidtoo.ButwhatcouldIevendobesideskeeplyingorcomingclean?
“Didyouguysbreakup?Youknow,itwouldmakesensebecauseyouhavenevertalkedabouthimbefore.Notuntiltheotherdayatleast.”Therewasapause,inwhichIcouldhearmyheartdrumminginmyears.“YourcousinCharosaidsomethingyesterday,youknow.”
OfcourseCharoknew.AnythingMamáknew,therestofthefamilyknew.
“So,shesaidthat,”shecontinuedwhenIdidn’tsayanything,“youdon’thaveanyphotosofhimonFacebook.”
Iclosedmyeyes.
“NobodypostsanythingonFacebookanymore,Mamá,”ItoldherinaweakvoicewhileIkeptbattlingwithmyself.
“AndPrinstanam?Whateveritisthatyouyoungpeopleusenow.Nophotosthereeither.”
IcouldpictureCharoscoutingallmysocialprofiles,searchingforthisimaginarymanandrubbingherhandswhenshehadn’tfoundany.
“Charosaidthatifit’snotPrinstanamofficial,thenit’snotserious.”
Myheartbeathammeredlouderinmychest.“It’scalledInstagram.”
“Fine.”Shesighedagain.“Butifyoubrokeupwithhimorifheendedthings—Idon’tcarewhodidwhat—youcantalktousaboutit.ToPapáandtome.Iknowhowmuchyouhavestruggledwiththisdatingthingeversince…youknow,sinceDaniel.”
Thatlastcommentwasaknifetothechest.Itturnedthatheavysensationintosomethinguglyandpainful.SomethingthatmademethinkofthereasonwhyI’dlied,whyIstruggled—asmymotherhadputit—andwhyIwasinthispredicamentinthefirstplace.
“Youhaveneverbroughtanybodyhomeinalltheseyearsyou’vebeenaway.Nevertalkedaboutamanyouwereseeing.Andnevertalkedaboutthisonebeforeyoutoldusyouweredatinghimandthatyou’dbringhimtothewedding.So,ifyouarealoneagain…”
Averyfamiliarandverysharppangpiercedmychestatherwords.
“That’sokay.”
Isit?
Ifitwasreallyokay,Icouldtellmymother.Ihadthechancetoendthislyingcircus,buryallthatregretsomewheredeepanddark,andbreathe.Icouldtellherthat,yes,Iwasnolongerinarelationship,andconsequently,Iwasnolongertakingmy—nonexistent—boyfriendhome.ThatI’dattendtheweddingalone.Andthatitwasokay.
Shehadsaiditherself.Andmaybeshewasright.Ijustneededtobelieveshewas.
Takingadeepbreath,Ifeltasurgeofcourageandmadeupmymind.
I’llcomeclean.
Attendingalonewouldn’tbefun.ThepitylooksandwhispersofapastIdidn’twanttothinkofwouldcertainlysuck.Andthatwasputtingitlightly.ButIhadnooptions.
Aaron’sscowlingfacepoppedupinmymind.Unannounced.Definitelyunwelcome.
No.Ikickeditout.
Hehadn’tevenmentioneditagainsinceMonday.Ithadbeenfourdays.Notthatifhehad,itwouldhavechangedanything.Iwasonmyown.ButIhadnoreasontobelievehehadbeenserious.
Anditwasokay;Mamáhadsaidso.
IopenedmymouthtofollowupwithmydecisionofgrowingthehellupandtostopactinglikeacompulsiveliarforsomethingIshouldhavethematuritytofacealone,butofcourse,luckwasn’tonmyside.Becausemymother’snextwordsimmediatelykilledwhateverIwasabouttosay.
“Youknow”—thewayhervoicesoundedshouldhavetippedmeonwhatwasabouttocome—“everypersonisdifferent.Weallhaveourownpacetoputbacktogetherourlivesaftergoingthroughsomethinglikethat.Somepeopleneedmoretimethanothers.Andifyouhaven’tmanagedtogetthereyet,thenthere’snothingtobeashamedof.Danielisengagedwhileyouarenot.Butthatisn’timportant.Youcancometotheweddingalone,Lina.”
Mystomachdroppedtomyfeetatthethought.
“I’mnotsayingDanielneededtoputhislifebacktogetherinthefirstplacebecause,well,hejumpedoffthatboat,unscathed.”
Andwasn’tthatthedamntruth?Somethingthat,ontopofeverything,wouldmakethingsevenworse.HehadmerrilycontinuedhislifewhileIhad…Ihad…gottenstuck.Andeverybodytherewouldknow.Everysinglepersonattendingthatweddingwouldknow.
Asifreadingmymind,mymotherutteredmythoughts,“Everybodyknows,cari?o.Andeverybodyunderstands.Youwentthroughalot.”
Everybodyunderstands?
No,shewaswrong.Everybodythoughttheyunderstood.Nobodydid.Theydidn’trealizethatallthosepobrecita,poorlittleLinas,accompaniedbyallthosepitifullooksandnods,asiftheygotwhyIhadbeenscarredandnotabletofindsomebodyelse,werethereasonswhyIhadliedtomyfamily.WhyIwantedtocrawloutofmyskinattheprospectofshowingupalonewhenDaniel—myfirstlove,myex,thegroom’sbrotherandbestman—beingtherewithhisfiancéewouldonlyreinforcetheirassumptionsofme.
Singleandaloneafterfleeingthecountry,heartbroken.
Stuck.
Iwasoverhim;Itrulywas.But,man,allthathadhappenedhad…messedmeup.Irealizedthatnow—notbecauseit’dsuddenlyhitmethatIhadbeensingleforyears,butbecauseIhadlied—andwhatwasworsewas,Ihadjustmadeupmymindnottogobackonmylie
“Everybodyunderstands.Youwentthroughalot.”
Alotwasaverygentlewaytoputit.
Nope.Icouldn’t.Iwouldn’tdoit.Iwouldn’tbethatLinainfrontofmywholefamily,thewholedamntown.Daniel.
“Lina…”Mymothersaidmynameinthatwayonlyamothercould.“Areyoustillthere?”
“Ofcourse.”MyvoicesoundedwobblyandheavywitheverythingIwasfeeling,andIhatedthatithad.Iexhaledthroughmynose,straighteninginmychair.“Nothinghappenedwithmyboyfriend,”Ilied.Lies,lies,andmorelies.LinaMartín,professionalliar,deceiver.“AndIambringinghim,justlikeIsaidIwould.”Iforcedoutalaugh,butitsoundedallwrong.“Ifyou’djustletmetalkbeforejumpingtosillyconclusionsandsermonizingme,Icouldhavetoldyou.”
Nothingcamethroughthespeakerofthephone.Onlysilence.
Mymotherwasn’tstupid.Ididn’tthinkanymotherwas.AndifIbelievedforasecondthatIwasoutofthestorm,Iwasprobablywrong.
“Okay,”shesaidoddlysoftly.“So,youarestilltogether?”
“Yes,”Iliedagain.
“Andhe’llcometotheweddingwithyou?ToSpain?”
“Correct.”
Apause,makingmerealizemyhandsweresweatingsomuchthatthephonewouldhaveslippedifIhadn’tbeengrippingitastightlyasIwas.
“He’sinNewYorktoo,yousaid?”
“Yep.”
Shehummedandthenadded,“American?”
“Raisedandborn.”
“What’shisnameagain?”
Mybreathgotstucksomewherealongmythroat.Shit.Ihadn’tgiventhemaname,hadI?Ididn’tthinkIhad,but…
Mymindracedthroughmyoptionsveryquickly.Desperately.Ineededaname.Whataneasy,manageablething.Aname.
Asimplename.
Anameofamanwhodidn’texistorIstillhadtofind.
“Lina…areyouthere?”mymotherchimed.Shelaughed,somehowsoundingnervous.“Haveyouforgottenyourboyfriend’sname?”
“Don’tbesilly,”Itoldher,hearingmydistressinmyvoice.“I…”
Ashadowcaughtmyeye,distractingme.Mygazeshottomyofficedoor,andexactlyhowhehadwedgedhimselfintomylifeoneyearandeightmonthsago—withhorrifyinglybadtiming—AaronBlackfordwalkedthroughthethresholdandplacedhimselfintheeyeofthestorm.
“Lina?”IthoughtIheardmymothersay.
Intwostrides,hewasinfrontofme,acrossmydesk,lettingastackofpapersdroponitssurface.
Whatishedoing?
Wedidn’tvisiteachother’soffices.Weneverneeded,wanted,orbotheredto.
Thaticy-bluegazeofhisfellonme.Itwasfollowedbyafrown,asifhewerewonderingwhyIlookedlikeawomancurrentlydealingwithalife-threateningcrisis.WhichwasexactlywhatIwasdoing.Gettingcaughtinaliewasfarworsethanlying.Afteronlyacoupleofseconds,hisexpressionmorphedintoanappalledone.Icouldseethejudgmentinhiseyes.
Outofeverysinglepersonwhocouldhavewalkedintomyofficerightnow,it’dhadtobehim.
Why,Lord?Why?
“Aaron,”Iheardmyselfsayinapainedvoice.
Iwasvaguelyawarewhenmymothersomehowrepeatedhisname,“Aaron?”
“Sí,”Imurmured,mygazelockedwithhisWhatintheworlddoeshewant?
“Okay,”Mamásaid.
Okay?
Myeyeswidened.“?Qué?”
Aaron,whohadcaughttheSpanishwords,puttwoandtwotogetherwithaneasethatshouldn’thavesurprisedme.
“Personalcallatwork?”hequeried,shakinghishead.
Mymother,whowasstillontheline,askedinSpanish,“Isthathim,thevoiceI’mhearing?ThisAaronyouaredating?”
Mywholebodylockedup.Eyeswideandmouthagape,Istaredathimasmymother’swordsresonatedinsidemyclearlyemptyskullbecausewhatintheworldhadIdone?
“Lina?”shepressedon.
Aaron’sfrowndeepened,andhesighedwithresignationashestoodrightthere.Notleaving.
Whyisn’theleaving?
“Sí,”Ianswered,notrealizingshe’dtakethatwordasconfirmation.Butshewould;Iknewshewoulddoexactlythat,wouldn’tshe?“No,”Iadded,tryingtobackpedal.
ButthenAarontskedandshookhisheadagain,andwhateverhadbeenabouttoleavemylipsscattered.
“I…”OhGod,whyisitsowarminmyoffice?“Nosé,Mamá.”
Aaronmouthed,Yourmother?
“?Cómoquenosabes?”cameatthesametime.
“I…I…”Itrailedoff,notreallyknowingwhoIwastalkingto.Thescowlingmanormymother.IfeltlikeIwasflyingonautopilotwhilemyplaneapproachedthegroundatabreakneckspeed,andIcouldn’tdoanythingtostopitfromcrashing.Noneofmycontrolswereresponding.
“Ay,hija,”mymothersaidwithalaugh.“Whatisit?Yesorno?IsthatAaron?”
Iwantedtoscream.
Allofasudden,IhadthispowerfulurgetocryoropenthewindowandshovethephoneoutandontoNewYork’smercilesstraffic.Iwantedtobreaksomethingtoo.Withmybarehands.WhileIstompedmyfeetwithfrustration.Allatonce.Iwantedtodoallthosethings.
CuriosityfilledAaron’sblueeyes.Hetiltedhishead,watchingmeasIstruggledtoeventakeadecentbreath.
Icoveredmyphonewithmyotherhandandaddressedthemaninfrontofmeinabroken,defeatedvoice,“Whatdoyouwant?”
Hewavedonehandinfrontofhim.“No,please,don’tletme—orwork—getinbetweenyouandyourpersonalcall.”Hecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhisstupidlywidechestandbroughtafistunderhischin.“I’lljustwaithereuntilyouaredone.”
Ifsmokecouldphysicallyleavemyears,ablackcloudwouldhavebeentrailingupandcirclingovermyhead.
Mymother,whowasstillontheline,spoke,“Yousoundbusy,soI’llletyougo.”IkeptmyeyesonAaron,andbeforeIcouldevenprocessherwords,sheadded,“WaituntilAbuelahearsaboutyoudatingsomeonefromwork.Youknowwhatshe’llsay?”
Mydumbbrainmusthavebeenstillflyingonautopilotbecauseitdidn’tskipabeat.“Unonocomedondecaga.”
Aaron’slipspuckeredlightly.
“Esoes.”Iheardmymotherchuckle.“I’llletyougetbacktowork.You’lltellusaboutthismanyouaredatingwhenyoutwocomefortheweddingthen,okay?”
No,Iwantedtotellher.WhatI’lldoisdie,chokedinmyownweboflies.
“Ofcourse,Mamá,”Isaidinstead.“Iloveyou.TellPapáIlovehimtoo.”
“Loveyoutoo,cielo,”mymothersaidrightbeforehangingup.
Fillingmylungswithmuch-neededair,Iglaredatthemanwhohadjustcomplicatedmylifetenfoldanddroppedmyphoneonthedeskasifitwereburningmypalm.
“So,yourmother.”
Inoddedmyhead,incapableofspeaking.Itwasbetterthatway.Godknewwhatwouldcomeoutofmytreacherousmouth.
“Allgoodathome?”
Sighing,Inoddedagain.
“Whatdoesitmean?”heaskedmewithwhatmightbegenuinecuriosity.“WhatyousaidinSpanishattheend.”
Myheadwasstillswirlingwiththathorrible,catastrophicphonecall.WithwhatIhaddoneandhowbigIhadmessedup.Ididn’thavetimetoplayGoogleTranslatewithAaron,who,ontopofeverything,wasthelastpersonIwantedtochatwithatthemoment.
Jesus,howdidhemanagetodothat?Heshowedup,andinthespanofafewminutesjust—
Ishookmyhead.
“Whydoyouevencare?”Isnapped.
Iwatchedhimflinch.OnlyslightlybutIwasalmostsurehehad.
Immediatelyfeelinglikeajerk,IbroughtmyhandstomyfaceasItriedtocalmmyself.
“Sorry,”Iwhispered.“I’malittle…stressed.Whatdoyouwant,Aaron?”Iaskedhim,softeningmyvoiceandfixingmyeyessomewhereonmydesk.Anywherebutonhim.Ididn’twanttofacehimandgivehimachancetoseemethis…unsettled.Ihatedtheideaofhimseeingmeatmylowest.Ifitwouldn’tbecompletelyinappropriate,Iwoulddroptothefloor,crawlundermydesk,andhidefromhim.
GiventhatIrefusedtolookathim,Icouldonlynoticethedifferenceinhistonewhenhesaid,“Iprintedoutsomemoredocumentsyoucanuseforoneoftheworkshopsweoutlined.”Hisvoicewasalmostgentle.ForsomeonelikeAaron,thatwas.“Ileftthemonyourdesk.”
Oh.
Mygazetrackeddownthewoodensurface,findingthem,andIfeltlikeanevenbiggerjerk.
Thatemotionchurnedinmygut,turningintosomethingwaytooclosetohelplessnessformetofeelanybetter.
“Thanks,”Imuttered,massagingmytempleswithmyfingersandclosingmyeyes.“Youcouldhavejustsentthembyemail.”Maybethatway,allthiscouldhavebeenavoided.
“Youhighlighteverythingbyhand.”
Idid.Whensomethingrequiredmyfullfocus,Ineededtoprintitonpaperandthenreviewitwithahighlighterinhand.Buthow…ohhell.Itdidn’tmatterthatAaronhadsomehownoticed.Heprobablyhadbecauseitwasawasteofpaperorbadfortheenvironmentanyway.Andthatdidn’tchangethatIwasstillajerkforsnappingathimlikethat
“Youareright,Ido.Thatwas…”Itrailedoff,keepingmygazeonthedesk.“Thatwasniceofyou.I’llgothroughthemovertheweekend.”
Stillnotliftingmyheadtolookathim,Ireachedforthethinstackandplaceditinfrontofme.
Alongmomentpassedwhereneitherofusspoke.
Icouldtellhewasstillstandingthere,allstatuesque,notmovingandjustlookingdownatme.Buthedidn’tsayanything,notgivingmeanexcusetolookup.So,Ikeptmyeyestrainedonthepapershehadsonicelyprintedoutforme.
Thatlongmomentseemedtostretchintoapainfullyawkwardamountoftime,butrightbeforeIwasabouttolosetheweirdbattleandlookup,Isensedhimleave.Then,IwaitedafullminuteuntilIwassurehewaslonggone.And…Iletitallout.
Myheadfellonmydeskwithamuffledthud.No,notonthedesk.MyheadhadfallenonthestackofpapersthatAaronhadcometodeliver—verynicely—rightbeforeIputmyfootinmymouthandsomehowtoldmymotherthatthenameofmymade-upboyfriendwasAaron.
Agroanslippedoutofme.Itwasuglyandmiserable.
JustlikeIwas.
Isoftlybumpedmyheadagainstthesurfaceofmydesk.
“Estúpida.”Bang.“Idiota.Tonta.Boba.Ymentirosa.”Bang,bang,bang.
Thatwastheworstofall.NotonlywasIanidiot,butIwasalsoalyingidiot.
Therealizationpushedanothergroanoutofme.
“Whoa,”camefromthedoor.ItwasRosie’svoice.
Good.IneededsomeoneItrustedtoretrievemefromthismadnessIhadgottenmyselfintoandregistermeintotheclosestmentalfacility.Icouldn’tbetrustedto…adultproperly.
“Iseverythingokay,Lina?”
Nope.
NothingaboutwhatIhadjustdonewasokay
***
“Wait,wait,wait,wait.”Rosieshovedherhandbetweenus,makingtheuniversalsigntoholdyourhorses.“Youtoldyourmomwhat?”
Gobblingdowntherestofmypastramipanini,Ishotheralook.“YougnowwhatfIsaifd,”Itoldher,notcaringthatmymouthwasstillfull.
“Ijustwanttohearthatlastpartagain.”Rosieleanedbackonherchair,heremeraldeyeswidewithshock.“Youknowwhat?Howaboutyoustartfromthebeginningagain?Imustbemissingsomethingbecausethiswholethingsoundsalittletoomuch,evenforyou.”
Narrowingmyeyesather,Igaveherafake,toothysmilethatIwassureshowcasedsomeofthecontentsofmylunch.
Ididn’tcarethatanybodyinthecoworkingspaceonthefifteenthfloor,wherewewerehavinglunch,couldseeme.Atthistime,thereweren’tmanypeopleleftonthisflooranyway.LeaveittoacompanyinNewYorkCitytodedicatethismuchspace—andmoneybecausethedecorwasrightoutofhipsterland—toacoworkingandsharedspaceforabunchofworkaholicswhodidn’tmakeuseofitoutsideoftheirlunchbreak.Nomorethanacoupleoftablestomyrightwereoccupiedbynow—theonesclosesttotheimpressivefloor-to-ceilingwindows,ofcourse.
“Don’tlookatmelikethat.”Myfriendpoutedacrossfromme.“Andplease,Iloveyou,butthat’snotanicelook.Icanseesome…lettucehangingoutofyourmouth.”
Irolledmyeyes,chewingandfinallywashingdownmymouthful.
ContrarytowhatIhadhoped,foodhaddonenothingtoappeasemymood.Thispoundingballofanxietywasstillaskingtobefed.“Ishouldhaveorderedasecondpanini.”Onanyotherday,Iwouldhave.Buttheweddingwouldbeinnotime,andIwastryingtowatchwhatIate.
“Yes,andsomethingelseyoushouldhavedone?Toldmeaboutallofthisbefore.”Hervoicewassoft,justhowallthingsRosiewere,buttheweightbehindthosewordsprickledatmyskinallthesame.“Youknow,likefromthemomentyoudecidedtomakeupaboyfriend.”
Ideservedit.IhadknownRosiewould—sweetly—kickmyassassoonasshefoundoutthatIhadkeptfromherallthatmelyingtomyfamilyaboutbeinginarelationshipbusiness.
“I’msorry.”Ireachedmyhandoutacrossthetable,takinghers.“I’msosorry,RosalynGraham.Ishouldneverhavekeptthisfromyou.”
“No,youshouldn’thavedonethat.”Shepoutedsomemore.
“Inmydefense,IwasgoingtotellyouonMonday,butwewereinterruptedbyyouknowwho.”Iwouldn’tsayhisnameoutloud,asheoftenappearedoutofthinairwhenIdid.Isqueezedherhand.“Tomakeituptoyou,Iwillaskmyabuelatolightafewcandlestooneofhersaints,soyouarerewardedwithmanychildren.”
Rosiesighed,pretendingtothinkaboutitforamoment.“Fine,Iacceptyourapology.”Shesqueezedback.“Butinsteadofchildren,I’dmuchrathergetintroducedtooneofyourcousinsmaybe?”
Irearedback,shocketchedonmyface.“Oneofmywhat?”
AsIwatchedthelightblushriseinhercheeks,mysurpriseonlygrewwhenshesaid,“TheonewhosurfsandhasaBelgianshepherd?Heiskindofdreamy.”
“Dreamy?”Noneofmysavagecousinscouldeverbeconsidereddreamy.
Rosie’scheeksturnedadarkershadeofred.
HowthehellismyfriendacquaintedwithoneofthemembersoftheMartínclan?Unless…
“Lucas?”Isputtered,immediatelyrememberingthatIhadshownherafewofhisInstagramstories.ButithadallbeenbecauseofTaco,hisdog.Notbecauseofhim.“Lucas,theonewiththebuzzedhead?”
Myfriendnoddedcasually,shrugginghershoulders.
“YouaretoogoodforLucas,”Ihissed.“I’llletyoutakepartinthekidnappingofhisdogthough.Tacoisalsotoogoodforhim.”
“Taco.”Rosiegiggled.“That’ssuchanadorablename.”
“Rosie,no.”Iretrievedmyhandandreachedformybottleofwater.“No.”
“No,what?”Hersmilewasstillthere.Hangingontoherlipsasshethoughtofmycousin,Isupposed,inwaysthat—
“No.Ew.Yikes,woman.Heisabarbarian,abrute.Hehasnomanners.Stopdaydreamingofmycousin.”Itookacleansinggulpofwater.“Stop,orI’llbeforcedtotellyousomehorrorstoriesfromourchildhood,andintheprocess,I’llprobablyruinthemalespecimenforyou.”
Myfriend’sshouldersfell.“Ifyoumust…notthatitwouldhelpmycaseanyway.Idon’tthinkIneedextraassistanceforthat.”Shepaused,sighingsadly.Makingmewanttoreachoutagainandtellherthatherprincewouldeventuallyshowup.Shejustneededtostoppickinguponlytheassholes.Myrelativesincluded.“Butbeforethat,wecanactuallytalkaboutyourhorrorstory.”
Oh.That.
“Ialreadytoldyoueverythingaboutit.”MygazefelltomyhandsasIplayedwiththelabelonthebottle.“Igaveyouaplay-by-playrecap.FromthemomentIblurtedouttomyparentsthatIwasdatingamanwhodoesn’texisttothemomentIsomehowmademymombelievehisnamewasAaronbecauseofacertainblue-eyedjerkwhohadappearedoutofthinair.”Iscratchedharder,rippingthelabelcompletelyofftheplasticsurface.“Whatelsedoyouwanttoknow?”
“Okay,thosearethefacts.Butwhat’sonyourmind?”
“Rightnow?”Iasked,towhichshenodded.“Thatweshouldhavepickedupdessert.”
“Lina…”Rosieplacedbotharmsonthetableandleanedonthem.“YouknowwhatIamasking.”Sheglancedatmesharply,which,whenitcametoRosie,meantpatientlybutwithoutasmile.Orasmallerthanusualone.“Whatareyougoingtodoaboutallofthis?”
WhatthehelldoIknow?
Shrugging,Iletmygazeroamaroundthecoworkingspace,takinginthechipped,oldbarntablesandthehangingfernsadorningtheredbrickwalltomyleft.“IgnorethisuntilmyplanetouchesSpanishgroundandIhavetoexplainwhymyboyfriendisnotwithme?”
“Sweetie,areyousureyouwanttodothat?”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Yes.”Bringingbothhandstomytemples,Itriedtomassageawaythestartofaheadache.“Idon’tknow.”
Rosieseemedtotakethatinforalongmoment.“Whatifyouactuallyconsiderhimforthis?”
Myhandsdroppedfrommytemplestothewoodensurface,andmystomachplungedtomyfeet.“Considerwho?”
Iknewexactlywho.Ijustcouldn’tbelieveshewasevensuggestingit.
Shehumoredmebyreplying,“Aaron.”
“Oh,Lucifer’sfavoriteson?Idon’tseehowIshouldconsiderhimforanything.”
WatchinghowRosieclaspedherhandstogetheronthetable,asifshewerereadyingherselfforabusinessnegotiation,Inarrowedmyeyesather.
“Idon’tthinkAaronisallthatbad,”shehadthenervetosay.
AllIgaveherwasaverydramaticgasp.
Myfriendrolledhereyes,notbuyingmybullshit.“Okay,sohe’s…alittledry,andhetakesthingsalittletooseriously,”shepointedout,asifusingthewordlittlewouldmakehimanybetter.“Buthehashisgoodtraits.”
“Goodtraits?”Isnorted.“Likewhat?Hisstainlesssteelinterior?”
Thejokebouncedrightoff.Ugh,thatmeantseriousbusiness.
“Woulditbethatbadtoactuallytalktohimaboutwhatheofferedyou?Becausehewastheonewhoofferedhimself,bytheway.”
Yes,itwould.BecauseIstillhadn’tfiguredoutwhyhehaddonethatinthefirstplace.
“YouknowwhatIthinkofhim,Rosie,”Itoldherwithano-nonsenseexpression.“Youknowwhathappened.Whathesaid.”
Myfriendsighed.“Thatwasalongtimeago,Lina.”
“Itwas,”Iadmitted,avertingmygaze.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’veforgotten.Itdoesn’tmeanthatjustbecauseithappenedahandfulofmonthsago,it’snowsomehowbeenwrittenoff.”
“Ithappenedoverayearago.”
“Twentymonths,”IcorrectedherfartooquicklytohidethatIhadsomehowkeptcount.“That’sclosertotwoyears,”Imuttered,lookingdownatthecrumpledpapersheetthathadwrappedmylunch.
“That’smypoint,Lina,”Rosieremarkedsoftly.“Ihaveseenyougivesecond,third,andfourthchancestopeoplewhohavemessedupfarmore.Someevenrepeatedly.”
Shewasright,butIwasmymother’sdaughterandthereforestubbornasamule.“It’snotthesame.”
“Whynot?”
“Because.”
Hergreeneyesturnedharder;shewasnotlettingthisgo.So,shewasgoingtomakemesayit.Weweregoingtotalkaboutit.
Fine
“HowaboutbecausehetoldourbossthathewouldratherworkwithanyoneelseinInTech?Onhisseconddayofwork.”Ifeltmybloodrushingtomyfaceatthememory.“Keyonanyone.EvenGeraldforcryingoutloud.”Ihadn’toverheardAaronmentionGeraldinparticular,butIwassureIhadheardeverythingelse.
“Anyonebuther,Jeff.Justnother.Idon’tthinkIcouldtakeitIssheevencapableoftakingonthisproject?Shelooksyoungandinexperienced.”
Aaronhadtoldthattoourbossonthephone.Ihadhappenedtowalkpasthisoffice.Ihadaccidentallyoverheard,andIhadn’tforgotten.Itwasalletchedinmymemory.
“Hehadknownmefortwodays,Rosie.Two.”Igesturedwithmyindexandmiddlefingers.“Andhewasnew.Hecamehereanddiscreditedmetoourboss,indirectlykickedmeoutofaproject,andputinquestionmyprofessionalism,andforwhat?Becausehedidn’tlikemeafterthetwominuteswetalked?BecauseIlookedyoung?BecauseIsmileandlaughandI’mnotacyborg?I’veworkedhard.I’veworkedmyassoff,gettingtowhereIam.Youknowwhatcommentslikethatcando.”Ifeltmyvoicepitchhigh.Samewentforthepressureofmybloodnowpumpingintomytemples.
Makinganefforttocalmmyself,Ireleasedashakybreath.
Rosienodded,lookingatmewiththeunderstandingonlyagoodfriendwould.Buttherewassomethingelsetheretoo.AndIwasundertheimpressionIwouldn’tlikewhatevershehadtosaynext.
“Igetit.Ido,Iswear.”Shesmiled.
Okay,thatwasgood.Ineededhertobeonmyside.AndIknewshewas.
Iwatchedherwalkaroundthetableandtakeaseatbesideme.Then,sheturnedandfacedme.
Uh-oh.Thiswasn’tallthatgoodanymore.
Rosieplacedahandonmybackandcontinued,“Ihatetoremindyouofthis,butyoudidn’tevenwanttobeontheGreenSolarproject.Rememberhowmuchyoucomplainedaboutthatclient?”
OfcourseI’dhadtogoandfindabestfriendwhohadaborderlinephotographicmemory.OfcoursesherememberedthatIhadbeengladtoberelocatedtoadifferentproject.
“And,”shecontinued,“asyouverywellsaid,Aarondidn’tknowyou.”
Exactly.Hehadn’tbotheredtodothatbeforehedecidedtolabelmeasahindranceandtalkshitaboutmetoourboss.
Icrossedmyarmsinfrontofmychest.“What’syourpoint,Rosalyn?”
“Mypointisthat,sure,hejudgedyoubasedononlyacoupleofdays,”shepattedmyback.“Butyoucancomeacrossalittle…informal.Relaxed.Spontaneous.Sometimesloud.”
MyscoffwasheardallthewayinSpain.“Excuseme?”Igaspedloudly.Dammit
“Iloveyou,sweetie.”Myfriendsmiledwarmly.“Butit’strue.”Iopenedmymouth,butshedidn’tgivemethechancetospeak.“Youareoneofthehardestworkershere,andyouareamazingatyourjobwhileyoumanagetocreatealightandfunworkingatmosphere.That’swhyyouareateamleader.”
“Okay,Ilikethisdirectionfarbetter,”Imuttered.“Keepgoing.”
“ButAarondidn’thaveawayofknowingthat.”
Myeyeswidened.“Areyoudefendinghim?ShallIremindyouthatwe—asfriends—shouldhateeachother’senemiesandnemeses?Doyouneedmetoprintacopyofthebest-friendcodeforyou?”
“Lina”—herheadswiveled,lookingfrustrated—“beseriousforaminute.”
Isoberedupimmediately,deflatinginmychair.“Okay,fine.Sorry.Goahead.”
“Ijustthinkyouwerehurt—understandablyso—andthatbotheredyouenoughtowritehimoffthislong.”
Yes,Ihadbeenoutragedandhurttoo.SomethingIdespisedwaspeoplemakingjudgmentsbasedonshallowimpressions.AndthatwasexactlywhatAaronhaddone.EspeciallyafterIhadgoneoutofmywayandtriedtowelcomehiminthedivisionwiththebestandwarmestintention.Icouldn’tbelieveIhadshownupinhisofficewithastupidwelcomegift—amugwithafunnyquoteaboutbeinganengineer.Tothisday,Ididn’tknowwhathadcomeoverme.Ihadn’tdonethatforanyoneelse.AndwhathadAarondone?HehadjustlookedatitinhorrorandgapedatmelikeIhadgrownasecondheadasIcrackedjokeslikeatotalawkwarddumbass.
So,tooverhearhimsaythatkindofstuffaboutmenotmorethantwodaysafterthat…ithadjustmademefeelsmallandallthemorepathetic.LikeIwasbeingshovedasideafternotmeasuringuptotherealadults
“I’mgoingtotakeyoursilenceasconfirmationofwhatIsaid,”Rosietoldme,squeezingmyshoulder.“Youwerehurt,andthat’sokay,sweetie.Butisitreasonenoughtohatehimforever?”
Iwantedtosayyes,butatthispoint,Ididn’tevenknowanymore.So,Iresortedtosomethingelse.“It’snotlikehehasbeentryingtobemyfriendoranything.Hehasbeenaconstantpaininmyassallthistime.”
Exceptforthatlife-savinghomemadegranolabar,fine.Andthosepapershe’dprintedoutformewhenhedidn’thaveto,sure.Andmaybeforthefactthathe’dstayedlate,workingwithmeonOpenDaylastWednesday.
Fine,okay,exceptforthosethreeoccasions,hehadbeenaconstantpaininmyass.
“Youhavebeentoo,”shecountered.“Youtwoareequallybad.Actually,it’sevencutehowyoutwohavebeenlookingforexcusestotripeachotherand—”
“Oh,hellno,”Icutheroff,turninginmyseattofullyfaceher.“Letmestopyourighttherebeforeyoulaunchyourselfintothisweirdshitaboutlooksandwhatnot.”
Myfriendhadthenervetocackle.
Igapedather.“Idon’tknowyouanymore.”
Sherecovered,pinningmewithalook.“Youareoblivious,sweetie.”
“Amnot.Andyouseemtoneedareminder,sohere’showthingsare.”Ipointedintheairwithmyindexfinger.“SinceIoverheardhimsayingthoseuglyandprejudicedthingsaboutme,toourbossnoless,hisnamehasbeenonmyblacklist.AndyouknowhowseriouslyItakethat.Thatshitiscarvedonstone.”Ipunchedmypalmwithmyotherhandtobeclear.“HaveIforgivenZaynMalik?”
Rosieshookherhead,snickering.“Oh,Lordknowsyouhaven’t.”
“Exactly.InthesamewaythatIhaven’tforgottenwhatDavidBenioffandD.B.WeissdidtousonMay19,2019.”Iwavedmyindexfingerbetweenus.“Didn’tDaenerysStormbornoftheHouseTargaryen,FirstofHerNamedeservebetterthanthat?”Ipaused,justtoletitseepin.“Didn’twe,Rosie?”
“Okay,I’mgoingtotakeyoursideonthatone,”sheadmitted.“But—”
“Nobuts,”Istoppedher,holdingahandintheair.“AaronBlackfordisonmyblacklist,andhewillstaythere.Fullstop.”
Iwatchedmyfriendtakeinmywords,mullingoverwhatIhadjustsaid.Ormorelikepassionatelystated—whatever.
Rosiedeflatedwithasigh.“Ijustwantwhat’sbestforyou.”Shegavemeoneofthosesadsmilesthatmademethinkshemightbedisappointedinme.
“Iknow.”LikethehuggerIwas,Ilaunchedmyselfather,wrappingmyarmsaroundherandgivingheragoodsqueeze.Frankly,itprobablywasn’therwhoneededitthemost.Thiswholethingwasdrainingthelifeoutofme.“Butthat’snotAaronBlackford.”Squeezingoncemore,Iletmyselfenjoytheembrace,myeyelidsfallingshutforasecondortwo.
Muchtomydismay,whenmyeyesopenedbackup,theytrackedalargeandtoweringfigurethatcouldonlybeoneman.
“Dammit,Rosie,”Iwhisperedwithmyarmsstillaroundher,makingeyecontactwiththeapproachingman.“Wehavesummonedhimagain.”
IwatchedAaronBlackfordclosethedistancewithquickstrides.Hislonglegsstoppedrightinfrontofus.Wewerestillhugging,soIpeeredathimoverRosie’sshoulder.
Aarontookourembracein,lookingsomewherebetweenappalledandengrossed.Icouldn’tbesurebecausehedidagoodjobathidingwhateverhewasthinkingbehindthatinfamousfrown.
“What?Whohavewesummoned?”IheardRosiesayaswedisentangledourarmsfromeachotherunderAaron’sattentivegaze.“Oh.Him,”myfriendwhisperedback.
Aaronhaddefinitelyheardthat,buthedidn’treact.Helimitedhimselftostandinginfrontofus.
“Hello,Blackford.”Iforcedatight-lippedsmile.“Fancyseeingyouhere.”
“Catalina,”heanswered.“Rosie.”Helookedathiswatchandthenbackatus—ormore,me—withoneofhiseyebrowsup.“Stillonlunchbreak,Isee.”
“Breakpolicehavearrived,”Imutteredundermybreath.Hisotherbrowjoinedtheonethatwasalmosttouchinghishairline.“Ifyouareheretoimpartanyofyourlessonsonhowtobecomeaworkingrobot,Idon’thavethetime.”
“Okay,”herepliedsimply.Then,heturnedtowardmyfriend.“Butit’sRosiewhoIhaveamessagefor.”
Oh
Ifrowned,feelingsomethingtuginmystomach.
“Oh?”myfriendechoed.
“Héctorislookingforyou,Rosie.SomethingaboutaprojectfallingthroughbecausesomeonehecalledHand-Breakerhadafit,”heexplained.“I’veneverseenHéctorsoworkedup.”
Myfriendsprangup.“Oliver‘Hand-Breaker’?It’soneofourclients.He…heshakeshandssohard,youcanliterallyfeelyourbonesgrindingtogether.”Sheshookherhead.“That’snotimportantnow.Ohcrap.”Shepickedupthefewthingsshehad—thecorporatebadge,officekeys,andwallet.“Ohno,no,no.”Apanickylooktookoverherface.“Thatmeanstheconferencecallisover.Ihadmeanttobedownstairsbynow,butwiththiswholemesswithLinaand—”
Ipinchedherarm,stoppingherbeforeshesaidtoomuch.
Aaronperkedup—ifhiseyesnarrowingslightlycouldcountasperkingup.
Rosiecontinued,“AboutLina’scat—”
Anotherpinch.Ididn’thaveacat,andsheknewthis.
“Neighbor’scat?”RosielookedeverywherebutatAaronorme,hercheeksturningpink.“HerneighborBryan,yeah.Yes,that’sit.Bryan’scat.Mr.…Cat.”Sheshookherhead.
Aaron’seyesnarrowedfurtherandthenjumpedtome.Hesearchedmyfaceasmyfriendstutteredthroughherobviouslie.
“LinaistakingcareofMr.CatthisweekbecauseBryan’sgrandmaissickandhe’soutoftown.YouknowhowmuchLinalovestohelp.”
Inoddedmyheadslowly,asifRosie’sgibberishhadmadeanysense.
“Aren’tyouallergictocats?”Aaronasked,shockingthehelloutofme.
“Iam.”Iblinked.“Howdoyou…”Iclearedmythroat.Idon’tcare.Ishookmyhead.“It’sahairlesscat.”
Hishandsslippedinhispantspockets,takingamomenttoassessthat.“Ahairlesscat.”
“LikeinFriends,”Isaid,tryingtosoundascasualasIcould.“Rachel’scat.ASphynx.”IwatchedAaron’sface,notasignshowingthatheknewwhatIwastalkingabout.“YouliveinNewYork,andyouareAmerican,yetyouhaven’twatchedFriends?”Nothingthere.“Ever?Oh,nevermind.”
Aaronstayedsilent,andIpretendedhehadn’tcaughtusinablatantlie.
“Okay,phew,”myfriendsaid,giftinguswithawideandtoothygrin.Thefakeone.“IreallyneedtogotalktoHéctor.”
Shelookedatmeapologetically.Istoodup,too,scaredofbeingleftbehindtoexplainmoreaboutMr.Cat.
“Thankyou,Aaron,forcomingtogetme.Thatwasvery”—sheglancedatmequickly—“verykindofyou.”
Irolledmyeyes.
Rosieelbowedmesoftly.“Wasn’tit,Lina?”
Sheprobablythoughtshewasbeingclever.Shewasn’t.
“Thekindest,”Isaidwithaclippedtone.
“Right.I’lltalktoyoulater.”Rosierushedtowardthestaircase,leavingusbehind.
AnawkwardsilencesurroundedAaronandme.
Heclearedhisthroat.“Catalina—”
“What’sthat,Rosie?”Icuthimoff,pretendingmyfriendwascallingforme.Coward,Ithought.ButaftereverythingthathadgonedowntodayandhavingtoreliveourrockystartduringmyconversationwithRosie,thelastthingIwantedtodowastalktoAaron.“Oh,youareholdingtheelevatordoorforme,yousay?”Ishotaftermyfriend,notpayingattentiontohowAaron’slipshadpressedinaflatlineasIlefthimbehind.“I’llberightthere!”Then,Iturnedonelasttime,quicklyglancingovermyshoulder.“Sorry,Blackford,Igottago.Youcansendmeanemailmaybe?Yes?Okay,bye.”
WhenIturnedmybacktohim,Rosiecameintoview.Shewasrepeatedlypressingonthecallbuttonfortheelevator.
“RosalynGraham!”Icalledafterher,willingmyheadnottoturnandcheckonthepairofblueeyesIwassurewasdrillingholesinmyback.ChapterFive
Youknewtheuniversedidn’tlikeyouallthatmuchwhen,afteranexhaustingweekthathadbeencrownedwithacatastrophicFriday,itstartedpouringdowntheminuteyousteppedoutoftheoffice.
“Mecagoenlaleche,”Icursedundermybreath,lookingoutthroughtheglassofInTech’smassiveentrancedoorandtakinginthedarkcloudscrowdingthesky,rainfallingfromitalmostviolently.
Pullingupmyphone,IcheckedtheWeatherappanddiscoveredthatthesummerstormwouldprobablyhoveroverManhattanforacouplemorehours.
Perfect,justperfect
Itwasalreadypasteightintheevening,sostayingintheofficetowaitouttherainwasn’tanoption.Ineededmybed.No,whatIreallyneededwasacanofPringlesandapintofBen&Jerry’s.Butthatwasn’tarendezvousIwouldbehavingtoday.Instead,I’dprobablytrickmystomachwithwhateverleftoverveggiesIhadinthefridge.
Athunderrumbledsomewherenearby,returningmetotheuglypresent.
Therainfallincreased,nowgustsofwindveeringthefallingwaterfromonesidetotheother.
StillinthesafetyofInTech’sentrancehall,IextractedfrommybagthelightcardiganIworeinthechillybuildingandcoveredmyheadwithitinhopesthatitwouldsomehowactasabarrierbetweentherainandme.Thankfully,thebagIhadgrabbedthatmorning,evenifnottheprettiest,waswaterproof.
Lookingdownatmybeautifulandbrand-newsuedeloafers—which,contrarytomybag,weregorgeousandunfortunatelynotresistanttowater—Itookintheirpristinestateonelasttime.“Farewellthree-hundred-dollarshoes,”Itoldthemwithasigh.
Andwiththat,IpushedtheglassdoorandsteppedoutintothedarkandweteveningasIheldmycardiganovermyhead.
IttookmeaboutfivesecondsundertheraintoknowthatbythetimeIgottotheCLine,I’dbecompletelyandabsolutelydrenched.
Fantastic,IthoughtasIspeed-walkedundertheunforgivingdownpour.Ionlyhaveaforty-five-minutecommutetothepartofBrooklynIliveinanyway.TimeI’dspendsoakedtomybones.
AsIturnedthecornerofthebuilding,anotherthunderroaredsomewhereaboveme,therainfallincreasingandturningmypaceslowerandclumsier,whilemorewaterfellheavilyontopofmyuselesscardiganumbrella.
Agustofwindstuckhalfmyhairtomycheekwithawetsmack.
Tryingtogetthewetlocksoutofmyfacewithmyelbow,Ikepthoppingaround,realizingquicklyhowbadofanideathatwas.
Myrightfootslippedonapuddle,slidingforward,asmyotherlegremainedrootedtothesidewalk.Myhands,stillholdingthecardigan,whirledintheairasIfoughttokeepmybalance.
Please,please,please,please,universe.Myeyesclosed,notwantingtobearwitnesstomyownfate.Please,universe,don’tletthishorribleweekendthisway
MyfootdriftedonemoreinchasIheldmybreathbeforecomingtoamiraculousstop.
Iopenedmyeyes.Mylegswereclosetodoingasplit,butIwasstillstanding.
BeforeIcouldfullystraightenandresumemywayundertherain,Inoticedacarpullingupashortdistanceinfrontofme.
Iknewsomeonewhoownedavehicleinthesamemidnightblue.
Keepwalking,Catalina,ItoldmyselfasIrestartedmygracelesshopping.
Outofthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchedthepassengerwindowrolldown.
WithoutmovinganyclosertothevehicleIstronglysuspectedbelongedtosomeoneIwasinnomoodtointeractwith,Iturnedmybodyandzeroedinonthedriver’soutlineasIstillheldthestupidandwetpieceofgarmentaboveme.
God-freaking-dammit.
Aaronwassittinginside.Hisbodywasleaningtowardthecopilot’sdoor,andwhileIcouldseehislipsmoving,Icouldn’tmakeoutwhathewassayingwiththenoiseofthetraffic,thewind,andtherainhittingthepavementwiththecharacteristicforceofastorm.
“What?”Ishoutedinhisdirection,notmovinganinch.
Aaronwavedhishand,probablyindicatingthatIcomecloser.Istoodthere,squintingmyeyesathim,wetasadrownedrat.Heaggressivelywavedhispointeratme.
Oh,hellno.
Iwatchedhisscowltakeoverhisexpressionashemouthedacoupleofwordsthatlookedalotlikeimpossibleandstubborn
“Ican’thearyou!”Ihowledovertherain,stillrootedtothespot.
HislipsmovedaroundwhatIassumedwassomethinglikeforfuck’ssake.Unlesshewastellingmehowmuchhewantedamilkshake.Which,judgingbyhisscowl,Iwouldnotputanymoneyon.
Rollingmyeyes,Isteppedcloser.Veryslowly.Almostridiculouslyso,justsoIwouldn’tslipandslideacrossthesidewalkagain.NotinfrontofhimofallpeopleinNewYorkCity.
“Getinthecar,Catalina.”IheardAaron’sexasperationclingingtohisvoice,evenoverthefuriousandrelentlessrain.
JustlikeIhadsuspected,hehadn’twantedamilkshake.
“Catalina,”hesaidasthatbluegazefellbackonme,“getin.”
“It’sLina.”Afterclosetotwoyearsofhimexclusivelyusingmyfullname,Iknewcorrectinghimwasofnouse.ButIwasfrustrated.Irritated.Tired.Soakedtoo.AndIhatedmyfullname.Papá—beingthehistorynerdhewas—hadnamedbothhisdaughtersaftertwodistinguishedSpanishmonarchs,IsabelandCatalina.Mynamebeingtheonethatnevercamebackintrendinmycountry.“Andwhatfor?”
Hislipspartedindisbelief.
“Whatfor?”herepeatedmywords.Then,heshookhisheadasheexhaledthroughhisnose.“ForanimprovisedtriptoDisneyland.Whatwoulditbeotherwise?”
Foralongmoment,IlookedinsideAaronBlackford’scarwithwhatIknewwasanexpressionofgenuineconfusion.
“Catalina”—Iwatchedhisfacegofromexasperationtosomethingthatborderedresignation—“Iamdrivingyouhome”—hestretchedhisarmandopenedthedoorclosesttome,asifitwereadonedeal—“beforeyoucatchpneumoniaoralmostbreakyourneck.Again.”
Again
Thatlastparthehadaddedveryslowly.
Bloodrushedtomycheeks.“Oh,thankyou,”Igrittedthroughmyteeth.ItriedtopushdownhowembarrassedIwasandplasteredafakesmileonmyface.“Butthere’snoneed.”Istoodinfrontoftheopendoor,mywethairstickingtomyfaceagain.Ifinallydroppedthestupidcardiganandstartedsqueezingwateroffit.“Icanmanagemyself.Thisisjustrain.IfI’vesurvivedthislongwithoutbreakingmyneck,IthinkIcangethomeonmyowntodaytoo.Plus,I’mnotinarush.”
Also,Ihavebeenavoidingyousinceyouwalkedoutofmyofficeearliertoday.
AsIuselesslytwistedsomemorewateroffmycardigan,Iwatchedhiseyebrowsknit,regaininghisearlierexpressionasheprocessedmywords.
“Whataboutthecat?”
“Whatcat?”
Hisheadtilted.“Mr.Cat.”
Thewatermusthavebeenseepingthroughmyskullbecauseittookmeanextrasecondtopindownwhathewastalkingabout.
“Yourneighbor’sfurlesscatthatyouarenotallergicto,”hesaidslowlyasmyeyeswidened.“Ryan’s.”
Iavertedmyeyes.“Bryan.Myneighbor’snameisBryan.”
“Notimportant.”
Ignoringthatlastremark,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticealineofcarsformingbehindAaron’s.
“Getinthecar.Comeon.”
“Noneed,really.”Onemorecarpiledup.“Mr.Catwillsurvivealittlelongerwithoutme.”
Aaron’smouthopened,butbeforehecouldsayanything,theblaringsoundofahornstartledme,makingmegivealittlejumpandalmostcollideagainstthecar’sopendoor.
“PorelamordeDios!”Isquealed.
Turningmyheadwithmyheartinmythroat,IdiscovereditwasoneofNewYorkCity’sinfamousyellowtaxis.Afterafewyearsoflivingandworkinginthecity,Ihadlearnedmylessonwhenitcametoangrydrivers.OrpissedNewYorkersingeneral.They’dletyouknowhowtheyfeltexactlywhentheyfeltit.
Provingmypoint,atrailofugly-soundingwordswasthrowninourdirection.
IturnedbackjustintimetowatchAaroncurseunderhisbreath.Helookedjustasfuriousasthetaxidriver.
Anothernerve-rackinghonkingnoise—thistimemuch,much,muchlonger—blaredinmyears,makingmejumpagain.
“Catalina,now.”Aaron’stonewassevere.
Iblinkedathimforasecondtoolong,alittledazedbyeverythinggoingonaroundme.
“Please.”
AndbeforeIcouldevenprocessthatwordthathadslippedoutofhim,ayellowblurwasdrivingpastus,giftinguswitharagey,“Assholes!”andblaringhishornwithsomethingclosetodevotion.
Thosetwowords—Aaron’spleaseandthatassholes—propelledmylegsintothesafetyofAaron’scar.Withimpressivespeed,Ifoundmyselflettingmybodyfallontotheleatherseatwithawetthudandsmackingthedoorshut.
Silenceinstantlyengulfedus,theonlysoundsthemuffledrattleoftherainagainsttheshellofAaron’scarandthedullroaroftheenginemovingusforwardandintothechaosthatwasNewYork’straffic.
“Thankyou,”Icroaked,feelingextremelyuncomfortableasIfastenedmybelt.
Aaronkepthiseyesontheroad.“Thankyou,”heanswered,deliveringthatyouwithsarcasm,“fornotmakingmegetoutandcarryyouinsidemyself.”
Thevisualofwhathehadjustsaidcaughtmecompletelyoffguard.Myeyeswidenedbeforethenquicklynarrowingathim.“Andhowintheworlddidyouthinkthatwouldbeagoodidea?”
“Iwaswonderingmyself,believeme.”
Thatanswerdidnotmakeanysense.Andforsomereason,itmademycheeksheatup.Again.
Turningmyheadawayfromhimandfocusingonthealmost-lawlessarrayofmovingcarsaheadofus,Ishiftedawkwardlyinmyseat.Then,Istoppedabruptly,noticingmysoakedclothesmadeweirdsquishynoisesagainsttheleather.
“So…”IstartedasIslidtotheedge,stretchingtheseatbeltalongwithme.Morenoisesfollowed.“Thisisaverynicecar.”Iclearedmythroat.“Isitanairfreshenerthatmakesitsmellallnewandleathery?”Iknewitwasn’t;theinteriorwasinpristinecondition.
“No.”
Movingmyassfurtheruptotheveryendwithyetanothersquishysound,Iclearedmythroat.Straighteningmyback,Iopenedmymouth,butnothingcameout,notwhenmymindwasstuckonthefactthatmysoakedclotheswereprobablyruiningthemostlikelyexpensivefabricunderneaththem.
Thiswasabadidea.Ishouldneverhaveclimbedinhiscar.Ishouldhavewalked.
“Catalina,”IheardAaronfrommyleftside,“haveyoueverbeeninsideamovingvehiclebefore?”
Myeyebrowswrinkled.“What?Ofcourse.Whydoyouask?”Iqueriedfrommypositionattheedgeofthecopilot’sseat.Mykneesweretouchingthedashboard.
Heslidmeaglance,hiseyesassessingmystance.
Oh
“Well,justsoyouknow,”Iaddedquickly,“thisishowIalwayssit.Ilovewatchingeverythingfromupclose.”Ipretendedtobeengrossedbythetraffic.“Iloooooverush-hour.It’sso—”
Wecametoasuddenhalt,andmyheadandwholebodywerepushedforward.Somuchthatmyeyesclosedoninstinct.IcouldalreadytastetheflavorofthePVCthatcoveredtherefinedlinesofthedashboard.Theelegantdetailsinthewoodtoo.
Althoughitneverdid.Somethingstoppedmemidway.
“Jesus,”Iheardbeingmuttered.
Oneeyeopened,takinginthedeliverytruckcrossedinfrontofus.Then,myothereyepoppedopen,too,andmygazesliddown,findingtheexplanationastowhymyfacewasn’ttattooedonthepolishedsurfaceofAaron’sdashboard.
Ahand.Abigone,allfivefingerssplayedacrossmycollarboneand…well,chest.
BeforeIcouldblink,Iwasbeingpushedback,anarrayofsqueaksaccompanyingthemotion.Rightuntilmywholebackwasflushagainsttheseatrest.
“Stayrightthere,”cametheorderfrommyleftashisfingersheatedmyskinacrossmydrenchedblouse.“Ifyouareworriedabouttheseat,it’sjustwater.Itwilldryoff.”Aaron’swordsweren’treassuring.Theycouldn’tbewhenhesoundedjustasangryasafewminutesago.Ifnotalittlemore.
Heretrievedhishand,themovementbriskandstiff.
Iswallowed,grabbingontotheseatbeltthatnowrestedwherehispalmhadbeen.“Idon’twanttoruinit.”
“Youwon’t.”
“Okay,”Isaid,stealingaquickglanceathim.
Hisgazewasontheroad,shootingdaggersatwhoeverhadbeenresponsibleforthatlittlemishap.
“Thanks.”
Then,weweremovingagain.ThecarwasfilledwithsilencewhileAaron’sattentionremainedonhistaskandminetookthechancetoscatter.
Isurprisedmyself,thinkingofRosie’swords.
“Idon’tthinkAaronisallthatbad,”shehadsaidearliertoday.
Butwhyhadthatthoughtwaitedtoseepinuntilrightnow?Tosoundsoloudandclearinmyhead?Itwasn’tlikeMr.Sunshineherewasbeinganynicerthanheusuallywas.
Althoughhehadsortofjustsavedmefromtherain.Andagoodblowtothehead.
Silentlysighing,IcursedmyselfforwhatIwasabouttodo.
“Thankyouforprintingoutthosepapersforme,bytheway,”Isaidquietly,fightingtheimpulsetotakeitbackimmediately.ButIdidn’t.Icouldbediplomatic.Atleast,rightnow.“Itwasveryniceofyou,Aaron.”Thatlastparthadmewincing,theadmissionfeelingfunnyonmytongue.
Iturnedtolookathim,takinginhishardprofile.Iwatchedthetightlineofhisjawrelaxalittle.
“Youarewelcome,Catalina.”
Hekepthisgazeontheroad.
Whoa.Lookatus.Thatwas…verycivil.
BeforeIcoulddelveanymoreintothat,ashivercrawledallthewaydownmyback,makingmeshudder.Ihuggedmymiddleinhopesofgettingwarmerinsidethewetclusterfuckthatwasmyclothing.
Aaron’shandshottotheconsole,changingthetemperaturesettingandswitchingontheheatingofmyseat.Iimmediatelyfeltthepleasanthotairbrushingmyanklesandarms,mylegsgrowinggraduallywarmer.
“Better?”
“Much.Thankyou.”Ifacedhimwithasmallsmile.
Hisheadturned,andhesearchedmyfacewithaskepticalexpression.
Itwasalmostasifhewerewaitingformetoaddsomething.
Irolledmyeyes.“Don’tletallthesethankyousgettoyourhead,Blackford.”
“Iwouldn’tdare.”Heliftedoneofhishandsfromthewheel.AndIsworetherewasahintofhumorinhisvoice.“JustwonderingifIshouldenjoyitorifIshouldaskifyouareokay.”
“That’sagoodquestion,butIdon’tthinkit’soneIcananswer.”Ishruggedmyshoulders,fightingthesnappycomebackrisingtomytongue.Isighed.“Honestly?Iamsoakedtomybones,andI’mhungryandtired.So,I’denjoyitifIwereyou.”
“Thatbadofaday?”Thattinypinchofhumorwasgone.
Sensingthestartofanothershudder,Iburrowedmyselfintheheatedfabricoftheseat.“Morelikeabadweek.”
Aaronhummedinresponse.Itwasadeepsound,alittlelikearumble.
“Thismightnotsurpriseyou,butIhavebeenclosetomurderingafewpeoplethisweek,”Iconfessed,takingthetruceIhadimposedasagreenlightforventingtohim.“Andyouarenotevenatthetopofthelist.”
Averylightandverysubduedsnortcamefromhim.Truceandall,IguessedIwasallowedtoadmitthatIlikedit.Itmademylipsbendinasmile.
“I…”Hetrailedoff,consideringsomething.“Idon’tknowhowtotakethateither.ShouldIbeoffendedorgrateful?”
“Youcanbeboth,Blackford.Plus,there’stimeuntilthedayisover.Youcanstillclaimyourrightfulplaceasthenumberonepersonwhoawakensmymostmurderousside.”
Westoppedatalight.Aaron’sheadturnedslowly,andIwascaughtoffguardbyhowlighthisexpressionwas.HisoceaneyeswereclearandhisfacemorerelaxedthanI’deverseenit.Westaredateachotherfortwoorthreelongseconds.Anothershivercurledatthenapeofmyneck.
Iblamedthewetclothes.
Withoutmissingabeatandasifhehadeyesonthesideofhishead,heturnedtotheroadasthelightchangedtogreen.“I’llneeddirectionsfromthispointon.”
Puzzledbytheimplicationsofhisrequest,myheadspunintheotherdirection.Itookinthelayoutofthewideavenueweweredrivingthrough.“Oh,”Imurmured.“WeareinBrooklyn.”
Ihadbeenso…distractedthatIhadforgottenabouttellingAaronwhereIlived.Althoughhewasn’ttooofftrack.Oratall.
“Youliveinthispartofthecity,right?NorthCentralBrooklyn?”
“Yeah,”Iblurted.“Bed-Stuy.”Iconfirmedwithanodofmyhead.“Ijust…howdidyouknow?”
“Youcomplain.”
What?Iblinkedathisexplanation.
Hecontinued,“Thiswayokay,orshouldIturn?”
Clearingmythroat,Istumbledovermywords.“Yes,stayonHumboldtStreet,andI’llletyouknowwhentoturn.”
“Okay.”
Igrippedmyseatbelt,feelingalittletoowarmallofasudden.“So,Icomplain?”Imumbled.
“Aboutthecommute,”Aaronansweredcalmly.Iopenedmymouth,buthecontinued,“Youhavementionedthatittakesyouforty-fiveminutestogettothepartofBrooklynyoulivein.”Hepausedthoughtfully.“Yourantaboutitalmosteveryday.”
Mylipsclippedshut.Ididcomplainbutnottohim.Iprettymuchventedtoeverybodyelse.Yeah,halfthetime,Aaronwassomewherearound,butIneverthoughthewasinterestedinwhatIhadtosayifitdidn’tconcernwork.Orifitconcernedme
Heshockedmebyasking,“Who’smadethetopbesidesmethen?Thelistwiththepeopleyoumighthavewantedtomurderthisweek.”
“Huh…”Itrailedoff,surprisedthathewasinterestedenoughtoask.
“Iwanttoknowmycompetition,”hesaid,sendingmyheadswivelinginhisdirection.“It’sonlyfair.”
Wasthatajoke?OhmyGod,itwas,wasn’tit?
Studyinghisprofile,Ifeltmyselfsmilingwarily.“Letmesee.”Icouldplaythisgame.“Allright,soJeff”—Icountedwithmyfingers—“mycousinCharo”—asecondfinger—“andGerald.Yes,definitelyhimtoo.”Iletmyhandsdroptomylap.“Hey,lookatthat;youdidn’tevenmakethetopthree,Blackford.Congratulations.”
Frankly,Iwasgenuinelysurprisedmyself.
Iwatchedhowhisbrowsfurrowed.
“What’stheproblemwithyourcousin?”
“Oh,nothing.”Iwavedmyhandintheair,thinkingofwhatMamáhadsaid.WhatthatSherlockHolmeswannabehadsaidaboutnotfindingphotographicevidenceofmymade-upboyfriend.“Justsomefamilydrama.”
Aaronseemedtoconsiderthatforalongmoment,inwhichwedroveinsilence.Iusedthetimetolookoutthepassengerwindow,watchingtheblurrystreetsofBrooklynthroughthedropletsrunningdowntheglass.
“Geraldisaprick,”camefromthemaninthedriver’sseat.
Eyeswide,Ilookedoverathim.Hisprofilewashard,serious.AndIdidn’tthinkI’deverheardAaroncurse.
“Oneday,he’llgetwhathedeserves.I’mshockedthathasn’thappenedyet,ifI’mbeinghonest.Ifitwereuptome…”Heshookhishead.
“Ifitwereuptoyou,what?Whatwouldyoudo?”Iwatchedamusclejumpinhisjaw.Hedidn’tanswer,soIavertedmygaze,lettingitfallbackontothepassingtraffic.Thisconversationwaspointless.AndIwastoodrainedofenergytoattempttohaveitanyway.“It’sallright.It’snotlikeit’smyfirstrodeowithhim.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Aaron’svoicehadastrangeedge.
Tryingnottopayattentiontothat,IansweredashonestlyasIcouldwithoutgettingintotoomuchdetail.Ididn’twantAaron’spityorcompassion.“Hehasn’tbeenexactlypleasantandagreeableeversinceIgotpromotedtoteamleader.”Ishrugged,claspingmyhandsinmylap.“It’slikehecan’tcomputewhysomeonelikemehasthesamepositionhedoes.”
“Someonelikeyou?”
“Yeah.”Iexhaledheavilythroughmymouth,mybreathfogginguptheglassofthewindowforacoupleofseconds.“Awoman.Atfirst,IthoughtitwasbecauseIwastheyoungestteamleaderandhewasskepticalaboutme.Itwouldbefair.Then,italsocrossedmymindthathemighthaveanissuewithmebeingaforeigner.Iknowafewoftheguysusedtomakefunofmyaccent.IonceoverheardTimcallmeSofiaVergarainamockingway.Which,honestly,Itookitasacompliment.Havinghalfthecurvesorthewitthatwomanhaswouldn’tbetheworstthingintheworld.NotthatI’munhappywithmybody.I’mokaywithbeing…thewayIam.”Normal.Plain.AndIwas.EverythingaboutmewasprettystandardwhereIcamefrom.Browneyesandbrownhair.Ontheshorterside.Notthin,butnotfat.Widehipsbutrathersmallbust.Weweremillionsofwomenthatfitthatdescription.So,Iwas…average.Notabigdeal.“Itwouldn’thurt,losingacoupleofpoundsforthewedding,butIdon’tthinkwhateverI’mdoingisworking.”
Asoundcamefrommyside,makingmerealizethatIhadnotonlyovershared,butIhadalsorambledmywayoutofthetopicathandwithAaron,whodidn’tevencomputesmalltalk.
“Anyway”—Iclearedmythroat—“Geralddoesn’tlikemebeingwhereIam,andithasnothingtodowithmenotbeinganAmericanormebeingyoungerthanhim.Butthat’showtheworldworks,anditwillworkthatwayuntilitdoesn’tanymore.”
Moresilencefollowedmywords.
Ipeekedathim,curioustoknowwhatitwasthathewasthinkingthatkepthimfromlecturingmeortellingmethatIwaswhiningorifhedidnotcarewhatIhadtosay.Butheonlylookedmad.Again.Hisjawwasallbunchedup,andhisbrowsfurrowed.
Outofthecornerofmyeye,Isawtheintersectionthatsignaledmystreet.“Oh,takethenextright,please,”IinstructedAaron,takingmyeyesoffhim.“It’sattheendofthatstreet.”
Aaronfollowedmydirectionsinsilence,stilllookinglikehewasbotheredbysomethingIhadsaid.Thankfully,myblockcameintoviewbeforeIwastemptedtoask.
“There.”Ipointedwithmyfinger.“Thebuildingontheright.Theonewiththedarkredfrontdoor.”
Aaronpulledupandstationedthecaronafreespotthathadsomehowbeenmagicallywaitingrightinfrontofmydoor.Mygazefollowedhisrighthandashekilledtheengine.
Silenceengulfedtheconfinedspaceofthevehicle.
Swallowinghard,Ilookedaround.ItriedtofocusonthecharacteristicsofthebrownstonesofthisboroughofBrooklyn,thefewtreesscatteredalongthestreet,thepizzeriaonthecorner—whereIusuallypickedupdinnerwhenIwasfeelinglazy.Orjusthungry.Ifocusedoneverything,exceptthewayinwhichthesilencepressedonme,themoreIwaitedinsidethecar.
Fumblingwithmyseatbeltandfeelingthetopsofmyearsheatfornoreason,Iopenedmymouth.“Allright,I’mgoingto—”
“Haveyouthoughtaboutmyoffer?”Aaronsaid.
Myfingersfrozeonmyseatbelt.MyheadliftedveryslowlyuntilIwasfacinghim.
ForthefirsttimesinceIhadplacedmydrenchedassinside,IletmyselfreallylookatAaron.Studyallofhim.Hisprofilewaslitbythedimglowcomingfromthefewlampsperchedonmystreet.Thestormhadsomehowdied,buttheskywasstilldarkandangry,asifthiswerejustashortpauseandtheworstwasyettocome.
Wefoundourselvesprettymuchinthedark,soIcouldn’tbesureifhiseyeswerethedeepshadeofbluethatusuallytoldmehewasseriousandallbusiness—whichIhopedwasn’tthecase—orthatlighterbluethatprecededabattle.TheonlythingIcouldnoticewashowhisshouldersseemedtense.Alittlewiderthanusual.Theyalmostdwarfedtheotherwisespaciousinteriorofthecar.Hell,lookingathimnow,hiswholebodyseemedtodoexactlythat.Eventhedistancebetweenhisseatandthesteeringwheelwasoverlywidetoaccommodatehislonglegs.SomuchthatIbetapersoncouldeasilyfitinthere
BythetimeIfoundmyselfwonderingwhathewouldsayifIjumpedonhislaptotestmytheory,Aaronclearedhisthroat.Probablytwice.
“Catalina.”Hedrewmyattentionbacktohisface.
“Doyou…”Itrailedoff,alittleshakenbythefactthatmymindhadtakenmetoAaron’slap.Iamridiculous.“Doyouwanttopeeorsomething?”
Aaronfrownedandrearrangedhisbodyinhisseat,anglingittowardme.“No.”Helookedatmeweirdly.“I’llprobablyregretaskingthis,butwhydoyouthinkIwantto?”
“Youareparkedinmystreet.Infrontofmybuilding.Ithoughtmaybeyouneededtousethebathroom.AndIhopeditwouldn’tbenumbertwo,honestly.”
Iwatchedhischestinflatewithadeepbreathandthenreleasealltheairout.
“No,Idon’tneedtousethebathroom.”
Hisgazestudiedme,asifhecouldn’tfigureoutwhyIwasthere,insidehiscar.Andinthemeantime,Iwonderedexactlythesamething.
Myfingersfinallymadeworkoftheseatbelt,snappingitfreeasIfelthiseyesboringholesintomyside.
“So,what’syouranswer?”
Mywholebodyfroze.“Myanswer?”
“Tomyoffer.Haveyouthoughtaboutit?Andplease”—dammit,thatwordagain—“stoppretendingyoudon’tremember.Iknowyoudo.”
Myhearttripped,tumblingdownforahorrifyingsecond.“I’mnotpretending,”Imurmured,doingexactlywhathehadaskedmenotto.
Butinmydefense,Ineededtowinsometimetofigurethisout.Howto…dealwiththesituation.Andmoreimportantly,tofigureoutwhy
Whywasheoffering?Whywasheinsisting?Whywashegoingthroughthehassle?Whydidhethinkhecouldbetheonetohelpme?Whydidhesoundlikehemeantit?Why…
Justwhy?
Expectingasarcasticcomment,orarollofhisblueeyesatmeplayingdumb,orevenhimtoretracthiswordsbecauseIwasbeingdifficultonpurposeandheneverhadpatienceforthat,Ibracedmyself.ButofallthethingsIexpectedhimtogowith,hewentwiththeonlyoneIwasn’treadyfor.
Adefeatedsighlefthislips.
Iblinked.
“Yoursister’swedding.I’llbeyourdate,”Aaronsaid.Asifhe’dbewillingtorepeathimselfasmuchashepossiblycouldaslongasIgavehimananswer.
Orasifhewereofferingsomethingsimple.Somethingthatwouldobtainastraightforwardanswerthatdidn’trequiremuchconsideration.Somethinglike,Wouldyoulikedessert,Lina?Why,yes,ofcourse.I’llhavethecheesecake,thankyou.ButAaron’sofferwaseverythingbutsimpleandasfarawayfromcheesecakeasonecouldget.
“Aaron”—Ishothimalook—“youcan’tbeserious.”
“WhatmakesyouthinkI’mnot?”
Howabouteverything?“Well,forone,youareyou.AndIamme.Thisisus,Aaron.Youjustcan’tbe,”Irepeated.Becausehecouldn’tbe.
“I’mperfectlyserious,Catalina.”
Iblinked.Again.Then,Ilaughedbitterly.“Isthisajoke,Blackford?Iknowyoustrugglewiththat,andletmetellyou,youshouldn’tgoaround,makingjokeswithoutarealfeelofwhat’sfunnyandwhat’snot.So,I’mgoingtohelpyouhere,”Ilookedathimstraightintheeye.“Thisisnotfunny,Aaron.”
Hefrowned.“Notjoking.”
Ikeptstaringathimforalongmoment.
Nope.No.Hecouldn’tnotbejoking.Hecouldn’tbeseriouseither.
Bringingmyhandstomytangledandwethair,Ishoveditbackalittletoobriskly.Iwasreadytogetoutofhere.Andyet,Iremainedrootedtotheplace.
“Didyoucomeupwithanyotheroptions?Abetteroptionthanme?”
BothhisquestionshitthemarkIassumedhe’daimedatbecauseIfeltmyshouldersfallindefeat.
“Doyouevenhaveanyotheroptions?”
No,Ididnot.Andthefactthathewasbeingsobluntaboutitdidn’tfeelallthatgreateither.Mycheeksheated,andIremainedsilent.
“I’mgoingtotakethatasano,”hesaid.“Youhavenoone.”
Andthatfeltalittlelikeakicktothestomach.
Itriedreallyhardtokeepthehurtoffmyface—Idid.BecauseIdidn’twantAaronBlackfordtogetaglimpseofhowpatheticandsillyhiswordshadmademefeel.
HowlonelyImustbewhenmyonlyoptionwasacolleaguewhodidn’tevenlikemeallthatmuchinthefirstplace
Buthewasn’twrong.Andasmuchasithurttoadmitit,attheendoftheday,Ihadnooneelse.JustAaronBlackford.He—andonlyhe—completedmylistofoptions.InaworldwhereI’dconsidertakinghimtoSpainasmymade-upboyfriend,thatwas.
Unless—
OhmyGod.Holyshit.Didhenotice—understand—whathappenedbackinmyoffice?ThatIaccidentallytoldmymotherthatmyboyfriend’snamewasAaron?
No.Ishookmyhead.Noway.Impossible
“Idon’tunderstandwhyyouaredoingthis,”ItoldhimwithwhatIwassurewasthemostsincerityIhadeverspokentohim.
Hesighed,theairleavinghisbodyalmostsoftly.“AndIdon’tunderstandwhyit’ssohardtobelievethatIwould.”
“Aaron”—abitterchuckleleftmylips—“wedon’tlikeeachother.Andit’sokaybecausewecouldn’tbeanymore…different.Incompatible.Andifwebarelymanagetoshareaspaceformorethanahandfulofminuteswithoutbickeringorwantingtobiteeachother’sheadsoff,whyintheworldwouldyoubelievethiswasagoodidea?”
“Wecangetalongjustfine.”
Ibitbackanotherlaugh.“Okay,thatwasactuallyfunny.Goodjob,Blackford.”
“Notjoking.”Hescowled.“AndIamyouronlyoption,”heshotback.
Malditasea.Hewasstillrightaboutthat.
Mybackleanedagainsttheclosedpassengerdoorashecontinueddeliveringblows,“Doyouwanttoattendthatweddingalone?BecauseI’mtheonewhocanfixthat.”
Ugh,hetrulybelievedIwasthatdesperateandresourceless.
Yes,avoicesaidinmyhead.Becauseyouareboththosethings.
Ishookmyhead,desperationinflatinginsidemychestandpushingmetoconsiderthiscrazyalternativethatinvolvedhim
“Okay,”Isaidveryslowly.“Let’ssayIentertainthisridiculousidea.IfIacceptyourofferandletyoudothis,what’sinitforyou?”Icrossedmyarms,noticinghowmystill-wetclotheswerestickingtomyskin.“Iknowyou,andIknowyoudon’tdostuffjustforthesakeofit.Youmusthavemotivation.Areason.Agoal.Youmustwantsomethinginexchange;otherwise,youwouldneverhelpme.Youarenotthatkindofperson.Atleast,notwithme.”
Aaron’sheadrearedback,almostunnoticeably,butIwassureIhadseenit.Hewasquietforalongmoment,andIcouldalmosthearthewheelsinhisheadturning.
“Youcoulddothesameforme,”hefinallysaid.
Thesame?“You’llneedtobemorespecific,Blackford.Isyoursistergettingmarriedtoo?”Ipausedinthought.“Doyouevenhavesiblings?Idon’tknow,but,well,Iguessitdoesn’tmatterifyoudoordon’t.Isthereaweddingyouwantmetogotoasyourdate?”
“No,”heanswered.AndIdidn’tknowifhewastalkingabouthavingsiblingsornot.Butthenheadded,“Notforawedding,butyoucouldbemydate.”
Behisdate?
Whydiditsoundso…so…differentwhenitwashimaskingme?WhydiditsoundsofreakingdifferentwhenAaronwastheoneneedingsomeoneandnotme?
“I—”Istoppedmyself,feelingself-consciousforareasonIdidn’tunderstand.“Doyouneedadate?Like”—Ipointedafingerathim—“you?Awomantobeyourdate?”
“Idon’tintendtoshowupwithachimpanzee,likeyousuggested.So,yes,awoman.”Hepaused,thatscowltakingshapeslowly.“You.”
Mylipssnappedclosedandthenopenedbackup,probablymakingmelooklikeafish.“So,youwantme”—Ipointedatmyself—“topretendtobeyourdate?”
“Ididn’tsaythat—”
“Don’tyouhaveagirlfriend?”Iinterruptedhim,thequestionburstingoutofme.
“No,Idon’t.”
Iwatchedhiseyescloseforaheartbeat,hisheadshakingonce.
“Notevenacasualsomeoneyouareseeing?”
Hegavemeanothershake.
“Afling?”
Hesighed.“No.”
“Letmeguess.Notimeforthat?”Iregretteditassoonasithadleftmylips.Butfrankly,Iwascurious.So,perhaps,ifheanswered,Iwouldn’tregretthequestioncompletely.
Hisshouldersshruggedlightly,hisbackrelaxingslightly.Justasifhehadacceptedthathe’dhavetogivemeananswerorI’dpressforone.“Ihavetime,Catalina.Plentyoftimeinfact.”Eveninthedarknessofthecar,Isawthoseocean-blueeyesofhispinmedownwithanhonestyIhadn’tbeenpreparedfor.“I’msimplysavingitforsomeonewho’sworthit.”
Well,thatwasincrediblysmug.Sortofconceitedtoo.Andshockingly,kindof…sexy.
Whoa.Ishookmyhead.Nope.TheonlyS-wordAaronBlackfordcouldeverbethoughtofwas…sarcastic.Scornful.Secretive.Stoic.Maybeevensour.Butnotsexy.Nope.
“Isthatwhyyoudon’thaveadatealready?”Imanagedtoaskhimnext,feelingtheneedtosoundindifferentandcold.“Becauseyourstandardsareashighasthesky?”
Aarondidn’tmissabeat.“Isthatwhyyouhavenoonetotaketothatwedding?”
“I…”Iwishedthatwerethereasoninsteadofplainstupidityandbeingacompulsiveliarwithnoinstinctofself-preservation.“It’scomplicated.Ihavereasons.”Iletmyhandsdropinmylap,keepingmyeyesonthesectionoftheconsoleinfrontofme.
“Whoeverclaimstoactwithouthavingareasonpushingthemtodosoislying.”
“So,what’spushingyoutodothis?”Iaskedhimwithmyeyesstillonthedarkandsmoothmaterialthatadornedtheinteriorofthecar.“Whatpushedyoutoaskme,outofallpeople,topretendtobeyourdate?”
“It’salongstory.”EvenifIwasn’tlookingathim,Iheardhisexhale.ItsoundedastiredasIfelt.“It’sasocialcommitment.Ican’tpromiseyouitwillbefun,butit’sforagoodcause.”Hepausedformoment,inwhichIdidn’tspeakandIlimitedmyselftotakeinthescarcedetailshehadgivenme.“I’lltellyoueverything—ifyouaccept,ofcourse.”
Myheadshotinhisdirection,andIfoundAaron’sblueeyesalreadyonme.Theywerefilledwithalittlechallenge.Andalittleexpectation.
Hewasbaitingme.OfferingmeaninsightintoAaronBlackford’sunknown—andpresumedtobenonexistent—personallife.HeknewI’dwanttoknow.
Wellplayed,Blackford
“Whyme?”Iaskedhim,beingdrawntothelightlikeastupidfly.“Whynotanyoneelse?”
Hisgazedidn’twaverwhenheanswered,“Becauseifallthesemonthswehaveworkedtogetherhavetaughtmeanything,it’sthatyouaretheonlywomanIknowcrazyenoughtodosomethinglikethis.Youmightbemyonlyoptiontoo.”
Iwouldn’ttakethatasacomplimentbecauseithadn’tbeenone.Hehadjustcalledmecrazy.Butshit.Somethingaboutit—aboutthewayhehadsaidit,aboutthisbizarredayandthisunexpectedturnofeventsinwhichIhadfoundouthealsoneededsomeone,justlikeIdid—seemedtowearmedown.
“Youdoknowthatyou’llhavetoflytoSpainwithmeforawholeweekend,right?”
Asimplenod.“Yes.”
“Andinexchange,youwantjustonenight?Onesinglenightofmepretendingtobeyourdate?”
Henoddedagain,andthistime,somethingsolidifiedinhisstare.Inthewayhisjawwasclampedandhislipsformedaflatline.Determination.Iknewthatlook.Ihadarguedagainstthatlookonmanyoccasions.
Then,hespoke,“Dowehaveadeal?”
Havewereallylostourminds?
Wegazedateachotherinsilenceasmylipsplayedwiththeanswer,movingwordlesslyuntiltheydidn’t.“Okay.”Therewasabigchancewehadreallylostourminds,yes.“Deal.”
SomethingflickeredacrossAaron’sface.“Deal,”herepeated.
Yep,wehavedefinitelylostthem.
Thisdealbetweenuswasunchartedterritory.Andtheairwassuddenlythickwithsomethingthatmadeithardformetotakeinafullbreath.
“Allright.Okay.Good.”Ibrushedafingeroverthesurfaceoftheimpeccabledashboard.“So,wehaveadeal.”Iinspectedanimaginarydustparticle,feelingmyanxietyrisewitheveryextrasecondIspentinside.“There’samountainofdetailsweneedtodiscuss.”Namelythefactthathe’dneedtopretendtobethemanIwassupposedlydatingandnotjustmyweddingdate.Orthefactthathe’dhavetopretendhewasinlovewithme.“Butwecanfocusonyoufirst.WhenisthissocialcommitmentI’mhelpingyouwith?”
“Tomorrow.I’llpickyouupatsevenp.m.”
Mywholebodycametoahalt.“Tomorrow?”
Aaronshiftedinhisseat,facingawayfromme.“Yes.Bereadyatseven.Sharp,”heremarked.Iwasso…outofitthatIdidn’tevenrollmyeyesathimwhenhecontinuedshootingorders,“Eveninggownideally.”Hisrighthandwenttothecar’signition.“Now,gohomeandrest,Catalina.It’slate,andyoulooklikeyoucouldusesomesleep.”Hislefthandfellheavilyonthesteeringwheel.“I’lltellyoueverythingelsetomorrow.”
Somehow,Aaron’swordsregisteredonlyafterIclosedthefrontdoortomybuildingbehindme.Anditwasonlyafewsecondslater,rightafterAaron’scarroaredtolifeandfadedaway,thatIallowedmyselftoreallyprocesswhatitmeant.
I’dbegoingonadatetomorrow.Afakedate.WithAaronBlackford.AndIneededaneveninggown.ChapterSix
Iwasnotpanicking.Nope
Myapartmentwasawarzone,butIwaschill.Theclothingexplosion?Undercontrol.
IlookedatmyselfinthegenerousmirrorplacedagainstoneofthewallsinmystudioapartmentwithwhatIpromisedwouldbethelastoutfitItriedon.ItwasnotthatIdidn’thaveanythingtowear;myproblemwasfarsimpler.Therootofmypredicament—andasofnow,thebiggestheadacheofthemonth,andallthingsconsidered,thatwassayingsomething—wasthatIdidn’tknowwhatIwasdressingfor.
“Bereadyatseven.Sharp.Eveninggownideally.”
WhyIhadn’tpressedformoredetails,Ididnothavetheslightestidea.
ExceptforthefactthatitwasamistakeIwasunfortunatelyfamiliarwith.ThiswashowIapproachedthings.Irushedintothem.ReasonwhyI’dsomehowmanagedtoweavemyexistenceintoknotsIdidn’tknowhowtountangle.
Evidencenumberone:thelie.
Evidencenumbertwo:whattheliehadledto.
Inotherwords,thedealIhadstruckwithsomeoneIwouldnever,noteveninmywildestdreams—no,nightmares—haveimaginedneeding.Orbeingneededby.AaronBlackford.
“Loca,”ImutteredtomyselfasIunzippedanothergarment.Wasitevenaneveninggown?“Mehevueltoloca.Heperdidolamalditacabeza.”
Slippingoutofitandthrowingitontothebedwiththerestofthediscardeddresses,Ireachedformyrobe.ThefluffypinkonebecauseIneededallthecomfortIcouldgetandIcouldn’tthinkofanyotherwaytogetit.Itwaseitherthisorstuffingmymouthwithcookies.
Takinginthestateofmyapartment,Imassagedmytemples.NothavingwallsseparatingthelivingroomfromthebedroomandkitchenareaswassomethingIusuallyloved.SomethingIlikedtoseeasanadvantageoflivinginanopenstudiospace—eveniflimitedlysmallsincethiswasstillBrooklyn.ButinspectingthemessIhadmadeoftheentireapartment,Isortofhatednotlivingsomewhereroomier.Somewherewithwallsthatwouldstopmefromwreckingthewholeplace.
Therewereclothes,shoes,andbagsscatteredeverywhere—onthebed,sofa,chairs,floor,coffeetable.Nothinghadbeenspared.TheusuallytidyapartmentthatIhadsocarefullydecoratedinwhitesandcreamswithsomebohodetailshereandthere—likethebeautifulwovenrugthathadcostmemorethanI’deveradmit—closerresembledafashionbattlefieldthanahome.
Iwantedtoscream.
Tyingthebeltofmyrobetighter,Igrabbedmyphonefromthetopofmydresser.
Twohoursuntilsevensharp,andIwashelpless.Outfit-less.BecauseIdidn’thaveanydressthatresembledagown.BecauseIwasdumb.BecauseIdidn’tknowwhatIwasdressingforandIhadn’tasked.
Ididn’tevenhaveAaron’sphonenumbertotexthimanSOSandafewhostileemojistomakemyselfclear.Itwasn’tlikeIhadeverfoundpleasureinfraternizingwiththeenemy,soIhadneverneededhisnumber.
Notuntilnow,apparently.
Throwingmyphoneontopofadiscardedpileofgarments,Iheadedforthesnugspacethatwasmylivingroom.GrabbingmylaptopfromtheroundecrucoffeetableIhadpickedupfromafleamarketafewweeksago,Iplacedthedeviceonmylapandletmybodyfallontothesofa.
Oncesettledinthepaddedcushions,Iloggedintomycorporateemailaccount.
Itwasmylastresort.Withalittlebitofluck,hisworkaholicasswouldbesittinginfrontofhislaptoponaSaturday.Andwasn’tthis…dealwehadmadealittlelikeabusinesstransaction?Ithadtobe.Weweren’tfriends—orfriendly—sothatdidn’tleaveroomformorethanapurelyIscratchyourback,youscratchminekindofdeal.Afavorbetweencolleagues.
Withnomoretimetowaste,Iopenedanewemailandstartedtyping.
From:cmartin@InTech.com
To:ablackford@InTech.com
Subject:UrgentInfoNeeded!
Mr.Blackford,
Iwasirritated—atmyselfyes,butalsoathim—andIwasn’tinafirstnamebasiskindofmood.
Asperourlastconversation,I’mstillwaitingforyoutodisclosethedetailsofourupcomingmeeting.Ifindmyselfwithoutallsourcesofinformation,whichwillconsequentlyleadtoanunsuccessfulcompletionofthecontractdiscussed.
IhadwatchedallseasonsofGossipGirl,andIknewtheterribleconsequencesofwearingthewrongthingtoa“socialcommitment”inNewYorkfreakingCity.
Asnodoubtyouareawareof,itisofutmostimportancethatyoushareallinfoneededatyourearliestconvenience.
PleasegetbacktomeASAP.
Warmregards,
LinaMartín
Smirkingatmyself,IhitSendandwatchedmyemailleavemyoutbox.Then,Istaredatmyscreenforalongminute,waitingforhisanswertopopupinmyinbox.BythethirdtimeIunsuccessfullyrefreshedmyemail,thesmirkwaslonggone.Bythefifth,littledropsofsweat—whichwerepartlyduetothefactthatIwascladinawinterrobe—startedforminginthebackofmyneck.
Whatifhedidn’tanswer?
Orevenworse,whatifallthiswasn’tmorethanaprank?Ameanwaytomesswithmyheadandmakemebelievehe’dhelpme.Whatifhe’dCarrie’dme?
No,Aaronwouldn’tdothat,avoiceinmyheadsaid.
Butwhywouldn’thethough?IhadmorethanenoughevidencecompiledtoprovethatAaronwasverymuchcapableofsomethinglikethat.
DidIevenknowhimatall?Heattended“socialcommitments”thathadtodowith“goodcauses”,forcryingoutloud.Ididnotknowhim.
Fuck.Ineededthosecookies.I’dindulge.
WhenIreturnedtomylaptop,cookiepackageinhandandmouthfulofsugaryandbutterycomfort,Aaron’sanswerwaswaitingforme.Atinysighofreliefleftmylips.
Bitingonanewcookie,IclickedonAaron’semail.
From:ablackford@InTech.com
To:cmartin@InTech.com
Subject:Re:UrgentInfoNeeded!
I’llbethereinanhour.
Best,
Aaron
“Whatinthef—”
Afitofcoughspreventedmefromfinishingthat,themouthfulIhadbeenchewingongettingstuckinmythroatandnotmovinganywhere.
Aaronwascoming.Tomyapartment.Inonehour.Whichwasanhourbeforewehadagreedhe’dpickmeup.
Grabbingsomewaterfromthekitchen,Ilookedaround,takinginthechaos.“Mierda.”
Ishouldn’tcare;IknewIshouldn’t.ButAaronseeingthis?Hellno.I’dratherchokeonanothercookiethangivehimammunitionagainstme.Iwouldn’theartheendofit.
Iplacedtheglassbackonthecounter,andwithoutlosingasecondmore,Iputmyselftowork.Onehour.Ihadsixtyminutes—andknowingAaron,itwouldn’tbeasecondmoreorless—tofixthiswardrobemayhem.
Andjustlikethat,ittookmethewholehourtoleavetheapartmentpresentableenough,sowhenthedoorbellrang,notonlyhadInothadanytimetochangeintosomethingthatdidn’tmakemelooklikeahuman-sizedFurby,butmyfrustrationhadalsoonlyincreased.
“Stupidlypunctualman,”ImutteredundermybreathasIstompedtowardmyapartmentdoor.“Alwaysontime.”
Ibuzzedhimin.
Fixingthemessybunatopmyhead,Itriedtocooloff.
He’shelpingyou.Benice,Itoldmyself.Youneedhim.
Aknockonthedoor.
Iwaitedtwosecondsandtookadeepbreath,readyingmyselftobeasniceasIcouldmanage.
Grabbingontothehandle,Iarrangedmyexpressionintoaneutraloneandthrewthedooropen.
“Aaron,”Isaidinaclippedtone.“I…”Iwasabouttosay…somethingelse,butwhateverthatwasvanished.AlongwiththatneutralexpressionIhadbeengoingfor.Mylipsparted,jawhangingopen.“I—”Istartedagain,notfindinganywords.Iclearedmythroat.“I—hi.Hello.Whoa.Okay.”
AaronstaredbackatmewithafunnylookwhileIsimplyblinked,hopingthatmyeyeshadn’tgrowntoobiginmyface.
Althoughhowcouldtheynot?Howcouldn’tanypairofeyesnotgrowtwosizesbiggeratthesightofwhatwasinfrontofme?
Becausethatwasn’tAaron.No.Nuh-uh.BeforemewasamanIhadneverseenbefore.AversionofAaronthatwasdifferentfromtheonlyoneIknew.
ThisAaronwas…drop-deadgorgeous.Andnotinaneasyontheeyesway.ThisAaronwaselegant.Classy.Sleek.Attractiveinanoverwhelmingladiesandgents,grabyourfanskindofway.
Shit,whydidhelooklikethat?WherewastheAaronindullslacksandaboringbutton-downthatIhadblack-listedandfiledunderdonottouch?Howintheworldhadittakenmenothingmorethanasinglelookathimtostutterlikeaschoolgirl?
Blinking,Ifoundtheanswerrightinfrontofme.ThatenormousandleanbodythatIshouldn’thavebeennoticingthismuchwascladinablacksuit.No,itwasn’tasuit.Itwasatuxedo.AfreakingtuxedothatbelongedonaredcarpetandnotinthedoortomyapartmentinBed-Stuy,ifyouaskedme.
Nothingabouthimbelongedherewithme.Nothismidnighthair,notthecrispwhiteshirtandbowtie,notthatdeepbluegazethatsurveyedmeandmyreaction,notthefreakingmovie-startux,andcertainlynotthosedarkbrowsthatweredrawingtogetheronhisforehead.
“Whatthehellareyouwearing?”Iaskedinabreath.“Isthisajoke?WhatdidItellyouabouttryingtobefunny,Aaron?”
“WhatamIwearing?”Iwatchedhiseyesleavemineandtraveldownmyneck,lookingmeupanddownacoupleoftimes.“Me?”
Somethingchangedinhisexpression,asifhecouldn’tunderstandwhathewasseeing.
“Yeah.”Feelingextremelyexposedanduncomfortable,Iwaitedforhisgazetoreturntomyface,notknowingwhatelsetosayordo.“Whatisthat?”IwhisperedloudlyforareasonIcouldn’tunderstand.
“Ifeeltheobligationtoaskyouthesamequestion.BecauseIwasn’tspecific.”Hepointedalongfingerinmygeneraldirection.“ButIimaginedyouweresmarterthanassumingI’dtakeyoutoaslumberparty.”
Iswallowed,fullyawaremyearswereturningred.ButIshookmyhead.Thisisactuallygood.ThisAaronIcoulddealwith.Iknewhowtodothat.Unliketheotherversionthathadpunchedthebreathoutofmylungs.ThatIhadnoideawhattodowith.
Fixingmygazeonhisface,Isquaredmyshoulders.“Oh,youthinkIshouldreallychange?”Igrabbedontothehemofmypinkrobe,tryingnottothinkofhowridiculousIwasactuallyfeelingandhidingthatemotionbehindallmybravadoinstead.“Iwouldn’twanttoshowupoverdressedtotheslumberpartyyoumentioned.Doyouthinktherewillbeanysnacks?
Heseemedtoconsiderthatforalongmoment.“Howareyounotboilingupinsidethere?That’salotofvelourforsuchatinyperson.”
Velour?
“Andthat’sadeepknowledgeinfabricsforsomeonewhosewardrobeismadeoftwodifferentpiecesofclothing.”
Anemotionflickeredacrosshisface,oneIdidn’tcatchontime.Heclosedhiseyesverybriefly,inhalingthroughhisnose.
Hewasirritated.Hispatienceslippingawayfromhim.Icouldtell.
Wewon’tmakeit.Wearedoomed.
“First,”hesaid,regaininghiscomposure,“youblatantlyogleme.”
Thatsentawaveofheatstraighttomycheeks.Busted
“Then,youreprimandmeforwhatI’mwearing.Andnow,youcriticizemysenseofstyle.Areyougoingtoletmein,ordoyoualwayskeepguestsoutsideyourdoorwhileyouinsultthem?”
“Whosaidyouwereaguest?”Inhalingthroughmynoseandnothidingmyirritationathimcallingmeout,Iturnedaroundandwalkedaway,leavinghimstandingbeforetheentrancetomyapartment.“Youinvitedyourselfover,”Isaidovermyshoulder.“Iguessyoudon’tmindlettingyourselfineither,huh,bigboy?”
Bigboy?Iclosedmyeyes,extremelythankfultobefacingtheotherway.
StillnotabletobelieveIhadreallycalledAaronBlackfordbigboy,Iheadedforthekitchenareaofmystudioandopenedthefridge.Thecoolairgracedmyskin,makingmefeelonlyslightlybetter.Istaredintoitforafullminute,andwhenIfinallyturned,Ididwithafakesmile.
AaronBlackford—andhistuxedo—leanedagainstthenarrowislandthatdelimitedmykitchenandlivingroomspaces.Hisbluegazewassomewhereabovemyknees.Stillstudyingmyattire,whichheseemedtofindsooutrageouslyintriguing.
Itbotheredme,Irealized.ThewayhelookedatitmademefeelinadequateeventhoughIwasathomeandhewastheintruderwhohadshownupearlierthanwehadagreed.Itwasstupid,butitremindedmeofhowsmallhehadmademefeelallthosemonthsagowhenIoverheardhimtalkingtoJeff.OrhowhehadalmostthrownthatmugIhadgottenhimasawelcomegiftatmyface.Orhowalltheremarksandjabsthatcameafterthathadneverstoppedbotheringme.
Rosiehadbeenright;Iwasincapableoflettingitgo.Iwasstillholdingmygrudgelikemylifedependedonit.LikemygrudgewasadoorfloatingontheoceanandIwasoutoflifejackets
“Itseemsratherinappropriateforsummer.”Aaronnoddedatmyrobe.
Hewasn’twrong.Iwasboilingup,butIhadneededthecomfort.
Iimitatedhimandleanedonthekitchencounterbehindme.“CanIofferyousomethingtodrink,AnnaWintour?Orwouldyouliketopointoutanyotherwayinwhichmyrobeisoutrageousinstead?”
Iwatchedhislipstwitch,fightingasmile.Me,ontheotherhand,Ifoundnoneofthisremotelyfunny.
“Howaboutwater?”Hedidnotmoveasinglemusclebesidesthecornersofhislips,whichwerestillbattlingagainstthatsmile.
“Youknow”—Iretrievedawaterbottleandplaceditbesidehim.Then,Igrabbedanotheroneformyself—“youcouldhavejustemailedmeback.Youdidn’tneedtoshowupherethisearly.”
“Iknow.”Ofcoursehedid.“Ididyouafavor,cominghereaheadoftime.”
“Afavor?”Myeyesnarrowedtothinslits.“Doingmeafavorwouldhaveincludedshowingupwithyourpocketsfilledwithchurros.”
“I’lltrymybesttorememberthat,”hesaid,soundinglikehemeantit.AndjustasIwasopeningmymouthtoaskhimwhatthatwassupposedtomean,hecontinued,“Whydidn’tyoucallmeinsteadofsendingthat…intricateemail?Itwouldhavesavedusbothsometime,MissMartín.”Thatlastpartheaddedwithascowl.
Ha,IknewthatMr.Blackfordwouldstrikeanerve.
“Okay,firstofall,Ididn’taskyoutocomehere.So,that’sonyou.”Iopenedthelidofmybottleandtookagulpofwater.“Andsecondly,howwouldIhavecalledyouifIdon’thaveyournumber,smart-ass?”
Ilookedathimoverthebottle.
Aaron’sdarkbrowsknit.“Youshouldhaveit.Onourlastdivision’steam-buildingevent,wepassedalongallourprivatephonenumbers.Ihaveyours.Ihaveeveryone’s.”
Islowlyloweredthebottleandscrewedthelidon.“Well,Idon’thaveyours.”IhadrefusedtosaveAaron’snumberbecause,again,Iwasagrudge-holder.Somethingthatdidn’tmakemefeelallthatgreatrightnow,butthatdidn’tchangethetruth.“WhywouldIhaveneededitanyway?”
Iwatchedhimtakeinmywordsforamoment,andthenheshookhisheadlightly.Straightening,heleanedawayfromthekitchenisland.
“Whatwassoimportantthen?”Hegotusbackontrack.“Whatdetailsdoyouneeddisclosedwithsomuchurgency?”
“Ican’tpickanoutfitifIdon’tknowwherewearegoing,Blackford,”Ipointedoutwithashrug.“It’slikeDressingUpforDummies101.”
“ButItoldyou.”Oneofhiseyebrowsrose.“Asocialcommitment.”
“That’swhatyousaid.”Iplacedthebottleonthecounterandthenbroughtmyhandstogether.“Anditwasn’tenoughinformation.Ineedafewmoredetails.”
“Aneveninggown,”thehardheaded,blue-eyedmananswered.“Thatshouldhavebeenenoughinformationtopickadress.”
Scoffing,Ibroughtahandtomyfluffypinkchestandclutchedmymetaphoricpearls.“Enoughinformation?”Irepeatedveryslowly.
Anod.“Yes.”
Isneered,notbelievingmyeyes.Hegenuinelythoughthewasrightaboutthis.“One-andtwo-wordedresponsesarenotenoughinformation,Aaron.”
EspeciallyafterseeingthathelookedreadytojumpintoanUpperEastSidegalawherepeopleair-kissedeachotherandtalkedabouttheirvacationsintheHamptons.Icertainlydidn’thaveanythinglikethatinmywardrobe.
“What’ssohardtounderstandaboutthewordseveningandgown?”Hishandabsentlywenttothesleeveofhistuxjacket.“Theyaregownsforeveningevents.Dresses.”
Iblinked.
“Areyoureallyexplainingthattome?”Istartedfeelinganewwaveoffrustrationrushtomyhead.“Youarejust…”Icontinued,fistingmyhands,edgingveryclosetoreallythrowingsomethingathim.“Ugh.”
Aaron’shandswenttohispantspocketsasheeyedme,lookingall…handsomeandclassyinthatgoddamntux.
Somethingmusthavebubbledallthewaytomyfacebecausethewayhelookedatmechanged.
“It’sacharityevent.Afundraiserthattakesplaceeveryyear,”heexplained.
Mylipspartedatthatcrucialpieceofinformation.
“WewillhavetodriveintoManhattan—ParkAvenue.”
No,no,no,no.Thatsoundedfancy.
“It’sablack-tiething,soyou’llneedtodressup.Aformaleveninggown.”Hisgazewentupanddownmybodywithdoubt,finallysettlingbackonmyface.“JustlikeIsaid.”
“Aaron,”Igrittedoutthroughmyteeth.“MierdaJoder.”TheSpanishbadwordsrolledoffmytongue.“Afundraiser?Acharityevent?Thatisso…upperclassy.”Ishookmyhead,myhairalmostcomingoffmyknot.“No,itsoundsupperIwipemyasswithdollarbillsclassy.Andno,Idon’tmeantobejudgyhere,but,Jesus.”Bringingmyhandstomyhead,Istartedpacingthefewfeetthatcomprisedmykitchenspace.“Alittleheads-upwouldhavebeennice.Youcouldhavetoldmeyesterday,youknow?Iwouldhavegoneshoppingthismorning,Aaron.Iwouldhaveprepared,Idon’tknow,afewoptionsforyoutochoosefrom.IhavenoideawhatI’mgoingtodonow.Ihaveacoupleofformalgowns,buttheyarenot…right.”
Itwaspastsixintheeveningand—
“Youwouldhavedoneallthatforthis?”Hislipspartedverybriefly,givinghimabewilderedairthatIwasnotusedtoseeinginhim.Then,hisjawreturnedtoitsformerposition.“Forme?”
Istoppedpacing.“Yes.”Icrossedmyarmsinfrontofmychest.Whywashesoshocked?“OfcourseIwouldhave.”Studyinghisface,Itookintheweirdwayinwhichhewaslookingatme.“Firstofall,Iwouldhatetoshowuptoyour‘charityevent’”—Iair-quoted—“lookinglikeaclown.Believeitornot,Idohavesomesenseofself-esteemandtheabilitytogetembarrassed.”
Aaron’seyeskeptshiningwiththatqualitythatmademenervous.
“Andsecondofall,Iwouldn’twantyoutoretaliateandwearGodknowswhattomysister’swedding,justtospiteme.Orlike,backoutonmeforsomekindofetiquetteinfringementnowthatI’mcountingonyoucomingtoSpainwithme.I…”Itrailedoff,losingmyvoice.“Ikindofneedyou,youknow?”
Thatlastparthadsomehowmaterializedonmytongue.Ididn’trealizeithadleftmymouthuntilitwastoolateandIwasn’tabletotakeitback.
“I’dneverdothat,”heanswered,catchingmebysurprise.“Iwon’tbackout.Wehaveadeal.”
Feelingexposedbymyadmission,Iavertedmyeyes.Ifocusedonhishands,whichhadfallenoutofhispocketsandrestedbyhissides.
“Iwon’tdothat,Catalina,”Iheardhimsay.“Notevenifyoureallypushedmeto,andIknowthatyoucan.”
Ihadthefeelingthathehadpurposelysaidthatwithsarcasm.Justenoughtobaitmeintosnappingback.Butforsomereason,Ididn’t.Hiswordsfeltsincere.ButIjust…couldn’tknowifhemeantit.Itwasreallyhardformetogetpastourhistory.Allthejabs,nudges,andshoves.Allthesmallwayswehadmadesuretheotheronedidn’tforgethowmuchwedislikedeachother.
“Whateveryousay,Blackford.”Ididn’tsoundlikeIbelievedmyself,butit’dhavetodo.“Idon’thavetimeforthis.”Whateverthiswas,Iwasn’tsureanymore.Ibroughtmyhandtothesideofmyneckandmassagedthatspotabsently.“Just…makeyourselfathome.I’llseewhatIcanfindforthisfundraiserweareattending.”
Iwalkedtowherehewasstanding,hislargeframeblockingtheopeningthatgavewaytomylivingarea.Comingtoahaltastepbeforehim,Ilookedupandarchedaneyebrow,askinghimwithoutwordstopleasemove.Aaron’sheadtoweredovermyshortheight,staringdownatme,hiseyesflyingallovermyface.Downmythroatandaroundmyneck.Rightwheremyfingershadmassagedmyskinamomentago.
HiseyesreturnedtominewithsomethingIdidn’trecognizeinhisbluegaze.
Westoodclose,mybaretoesalmosttouchingthepointofhispolishedshoes.AndIfeltmybreathingincreaseitspaceattherealization.MychestmovedupanddownmorequicklywitheverysecondIwasunderAaron’sscrutiny.
Refusingtolookaway,Iheldhisstare.
Leaningmyheadback,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticethathefeltlargerthanever.Asifhisframehadexpandedacoupleofsizesmore.Seemingmuchtallerandbiggerthanme,allcladinthattuxthathadthepowertoturnhimintosomeoneIwasfindinghardnottolookat.Nottodrinkupeverydetailthatsparkedwiththisnewnessheseemedtobecarryingaroundtoday.
Aaron’stonguepeekedoutandtraveledalonghisbottomlip,drivingmygazetohismouth.Hisfulllipsshoneunderthelightofmykitchen.
Myskinstartedturningtoowarmbeneaththefabricofmystupidrobe.Standingthisclose,Iwasfeelingtoohot,seeingtoomuchofhim,noticingwaytoomanythingsatonce.
Iwilledmygazeup,backtohisblueeyes.Theywerestillstudyingme,thatsomethingstilllockedin.Hiddenbehindthem.Aheartbeatpassed,andIcouldhaveswornthathisbodyinchedinmydirection,justthesplinterofahair.Butmaybeitwasjustmyimagination.
Itdidn’treallymatter.
“Iwasserious.”Hisvoicewaslowandhushed,thequalityofitalmostraspy,hearingitthisclosely.
Everyrationalthoughtwaslong-lost,butIknewwhathewastalkingabout.OfcourseIdid.
Heexhaledsoftly,andIsmelledthemintonhisbreath.“Iwouldn’tretaliateinanyway.Iknowhowimportantyoursister’sweddingis.”
Thetruthbehindhiswordshitmeharderthanthelackofdistancebetweenourbodies.Mylipsparted,andmystomachdroppedtomyfeet.
“Iwon’tgobackonmyword.Ineverdo.”
WasAaronBlackfordreallyreassuringme?Guaranteeingmethatnomatterwhatwasorhadbeenbetweenus,thiswassafeground?Thathewouldkeephisword,fairandsquare?Thathewouldn’tgobackonit?Washedoingallthat?Itcertainlysoundedlikeit.Whichtoldmethateitherhereadminds—whichIhonestlyhopedhedidn’t—orthatperhapsRosiehadn’tbeenwrongabouthim.
MaybeAaronwasn’tallthatbad.
MaybeIhadbeenwrongabouthim.I…Ididn’tknowwhattosaytohim.Whattodowithanyofthis,frankly.AndthelongerIspentinsilence,withhimradiatingthisopennessrightonme,themorehemademewarmeranddizzier,andtheharderitwasformetocompletethoughts.
“Doyouunderstandme,Catalina?”hepressed,thatwarmthcoatingmywholebody.
No,Iwantedtosay.Idon’tunderstandasinglethingthat’sgoingonhere.
Mythroatmoved,myvocalcordssomehowfailingatvoicingananswer.Astrangesoundleftmylips,makingmeclearmythroatrightafter.“Ishouldgo,”Ifinallymanagedout.“Ifyoudon’tmind,Ishouldchange.Wewillbelateotherwise.”
Withamotionsurprisinglysmoothforsomeonehissize,Aaronmovedoutofmyway.Heplacedhisbodytooneside,stilltoolargeandwideformycrampedapartment.Stilltakinguptoomuchspaceandstillmakingmefeelitchyandtingly.EspeciallywhenIwalkedpasthimandmyrobe-cladshoulderbrushedhischest.
Hisveryhardchest.
AlltheheatIfeltinmybodyrushedbacktomyface.
Stop.Imovedonweaklegs,myskinfeelingclammy.Ijustneedtogetoutofthisrobe,Iassuredmyself,tuggingattheneckThatistheonlyreasonwhyIamflushedandwarm
WalkingtotheotherendofmystudioapartmentasIfoughttheurgetofanmyself,Imademyselfthinkaboutsomethingelse.
Dresses.NotAaron.Nothiminatux.Orhismintybreath.Orhischest.Oranyotherbodypart.Notwhathesaideither.
Butmyheadstartedturning,wantingtolookback.Athim
No.
Reachingmywardrobe,Ithrewthedoorsopen.RummagingaroundasIsearchedforwhateverIownedthatwouldrisetotheoccasion,Islowlyregainedmyfocus.
Ifishedtheonepieceofclothingwiththepotentialtosavemyassoutofthedepthsofmywardrobe,grabbedthepairofheelsIreservedforspecialevents,acoupleofaccessories,andheadedforthebathroom
Onmyway,IgaveAaronasidewaysglance.Hewashoveringsomewhereclosetothevelvetybluesofa,dwarfingit,hisgazeonthescreenofhisphone.Hedidn’tevenlifthisheadwhenIwalkedinfrontofhim.
Good.Betterthanhimsnoopingaroundorflauntinghisapparentlyverydistractingbodyaround.
Ithadtobethetuxedo.Thisbehaviorofmine—thisreactionhehadcausedinme—wasn’tnormal.
“Iwill…getreadyinthere,”Isaidovermyshouldertothemanwhoseemedtotakeallthespaceinmysmallapartment.“Makeyourselfathome.”
Onceinsidetheonlywalledroominmyapartment—thebathroom—Ifeltsomehowlighter.Myskincooler.Itdidn’thavealock,soIsimplyshutthedoorandhungthedressfromtheshowerbarandstartedwithmymakeupandhair.
Afterwhatseemedlikeaneternity—andatthesametime,notnearlyenoughtime—IwasfinallycontentwithhowIlooked.Thewomanwhostaredbackatmefromthefull-lengthwallmirrorIhadcleverlyinstalledinthebathroomwaswearingasleevelessfloor-lengthdress.Acolorsomewherebetweenonyxandmidnightblue.Thecutandthefabricwererathersimple—anddefinitelynoteveninggown-ishenough—buttheslitthattraveledalongtheskirtallthewayup,stoppingabovemyrightknee,gaveitagracefulandclassytouch.Althoughtherealstaroftheshowwastheneckline,which—evenifitdidn’tgiveaninchofcleavageaway,closingaroundmynecklikeitdid—wasembeddedwithwhitebeadsthatimitatedpearls.Itwasabsolutelybeautiful.ThatwasexactlywhyIhadimpulsivelyboughtitmonthsago.AndwhyIhadn’thadthechancetowearityetandforgottenitwaseventhere.
Mygazeinspectedthewavesofbrownhairfallingonmyshoulders.Nowherenearperfect,butitwouldhavetodo.Foralongminutethere,Iconsideredputtingonredlipstick.ButIquicklydiscardedit,thinkingitwouldbeoverdoingit.I’dratherreservethatforarealdate.
Notthatitwouldbehappeninganytimesoon.Dateshadn’tbeeninthecardsforalongtime.
Sighingsoftly,Ifeltanuncomfortabletwingeinmychest.
Ihadn’tgoneonadateinwhatfeltlikeaneternity.NotthatIconsideredmyselfunworthyorunattractiveenoughnottopiquesomeone’sinterest.IhadgoneonafewdateshereandthereshortlyaftermovingtoNewYork.Butatsomepoint,Ihadstoppedtrying.Whatwasthepointwhenitwascleartherewassomethingwrongwithme?ImighthaveleftSpain,butsomehow,Ihadmanagedtoleavemytrust—mywillingnesstofallinloveeveragain—somewhereacrosstheocean.
Lookingatmyselfinthemirror,IrealizedIhadn’tputeffortinmymakeup,hair,andclothesforjustaslong.Andnow,IwishedIhadn’tnoticedthat.
BecausepityingmyselfwassomethingIhadlongagopromisedmyselfIwouldn’tdo.ItwasarouteIsworeIwouldn’ttake.
Then,whywasIfeelingthisway?HowhadIletmyselfgethere?Tothepointthatforthefirsttimeinmonths,Iwasputtingactualeffortinmyappearanceandmyclothes,andIwasdoingitforsomethingthatwasn’tevenreal.Afakedate.Adeal.Asortofbusinessagreement.Jesus,howhadIgottentothepointwhereIneededtomakeuparelationship,soIdidn’tfeellikeatotalfailure?
Myfearsrangastrueasever.Iwasbroken.Iwas—
Aknockonthedoorreturnedmetothepresent,remindingmeofwhowaswaitingformeoutsidemybedroom.Impatiently,ifthepoundingonthedoorwasanysign.
“Howmuchlongerisitgoingtotakeyou,Catalina?”Aaron’snotoriouslydeepvoicecarriedthroughthebathroomdoor.“You’vebeenintherelongenough.”
IlookedatthetimeonthelittleclockIhadononeofthebathroomshelves—6:45p.m.Stillfifteenminutestospareifwewentbythetimehehadinitiallyagreedtopickmeup.Ishookmyhead.
Anotherknock.Thisonewasharder.Moreimpatient.
“Catalina?”
Idecidedtoanswerhislackofpatiencewithsilence.Someonehadtoshowhimthathecouldn’talwaysgethisway.Plus,Ihadbeenpromisedfifteen—allright,fourteen—minutesmore.
Stillfeelingthecrackthathadreopenedinmychest,Islippedmyrightfootinsideoneofmyheelsandliftedittothetoiletseat.Meticulously,Iworkedonthestrap.
Takingmytime,Ididthesamewiththeleftone.Istillhadafewminutes,andIplannedon—
Athirdknocknevercame.Mylocklessdoorflewopen,startlingthecrapoutofmeandrevealingaveryrestlessman.
Aaron’ssimmeringblueeyesfoundmine.
IstoodinheeledandshakylegsasIfeltmychestheavewiththeaftershockoftheintrusion.
“Catalina.”Aspeckofreliefsurfacedinthosebluepoolsofimpatience.“Whydidn’tyouanswerwhenIcalledyourname?You’vebeeninhereforawholehour.”Hispalmwasstillonthedoorknob,oneofhisfeetonthetiledfloorandhiswideshouldersoccupyingallthespacebeneaththethresholdofthedoor.
Hisblueeyessearchedmyfaceveryslowly.Almostpainfullyso.Somuchthatmybreathingdidn’tgetachancetogobacktonormalandscatteredallovertheplace.IwatchedAaron’seyestravelingdownthelengthofmydress,hisexpressionhardeningwitheveryinchhenavigated.Icouldseehisjawcrampingdowntightlybythetimehisgazemadeitswaybacktomine.Amusclejumped.
Washe…washemad?
Itcertainlylookedlikehewas.Forwhatreason,Icouldn’tfathom.Butitwasrightthere.Hislipspressedinthattightlinethatscreamedsomethingbotheredhim.
Asubduedvoiceinmyheadtoldmethatheprobablyregrettedeveraskingmetocometothisthingwithhim.Theattireofsomeonewhodidn’tevenownapropereveninggownwasprobablynottohisstandardsifhelookedsodispleased.
IignoredthediscomfortinthepitofmystomachandsnatchedthefirstemotionthatIcouldgetaholdof.Onethatwasextremelyeasytosummonwhenitcametohim.“AaronBlackford,”Ihissed,findingmyvoice.“Whatintheworldiswrongwithyou?!”Mychestheavedupanddown.“Don’tyouknowhowtoknock?”
“Iknocked.”Histonewashard,matchinghisexpression.“Twice.”Thatstupidlydeepvoiceofhisreverberatedthroughmybathroom.
“Icouldhavebeennaked,youknow.”
Aaronshiftedinfrontofme,notlettinggooftheknob.Hislargefingersgrippingitinawaythatmademewonderifitwouldgiveoutunderthepressure.
“Butyouarenot,”hesaid,voicestillhard.“Youaredefinitelynotnaked.”
Mygazeshotfromhishandtohisface.Justintimetowatchhowthosetwoblueeyesjumpedtomyshoulders,traveledalongmyneck,andthenreturnedtomyeyes.Hisexpressioncloudedfurtheraswelookedateachotherforalongmoment.
Mypalmsstartedsweating,thelongerneitherofussaidanything.
Jesus,whatisevenhappening?
Myheartracedfaster,themoretheairfilledupwithatensionIdidn’tunderstand.
Itwasalmostsuffocating.Muchmorethanearlierinthekitchen.SomuchthatIfelthowmyguardcamedown,allkindsofthoughtsassaultingmymindwithnothingtostopthebruising.
“Isthere…”Ibrokethesilence.Myvoicecomingoutbreathy.“Isthereanythingwrong?”
Heshookhishead.Justonce.Hiseyesbounceddownmybodyagainveryquickly.“Youfoundagown.”
“Idid,”Iadmitted,lookingdownbriefly.“It’sbeensuchalongtimesinceIlastwentonadatethatIforgotitwaseventhere.”Iwatchedhisexpressiontakeonanewedge,makingmefeelincrediblystupidforsayingsomethinglikethat.“Well,thatdoesn’tmatter.NotthatI’dwearthistoanydateanyway,Iguess.It’stheonlyoneIhave,soIhopeit’sokay.”
Ipassedmysweatypalmsalongmythighs,stoppingmyselfattheprospectofmessingwiththefabric.
Aaron’sthroatworked.“It’lldo.”
It’lldo?
IhadnoideawhatIhadbeenexpectinghimtosay,butI’dbelyingifIsaidthathadn’tstungatinylittlebit.
“Good,”Ianswered,lookingaway,notlettingmyshoulderssink.“Let’sgothen.”Instructingmymouthtosmile,IonlylookedbackatAaronwhenitwastoothyandbig.
Heremainedwherehewas,notutteringasingleword.
“Comeon,”Itoldhim,keepingthatfakemegawattsmilewhereitwas.“Youdon’twanttobelate,doyou?”
Acoupleofsecondsafter,hemovedoutoftheway.Withoutastare-off,whichIappreciatedbecauseIwasn’tinthemoodtolookathimjustyet.
Isteppedoutofthebathroom,andImadesureoftwothings.One,Ididn’tbrushhischestwithmyshoulder.Andtwo,Ididn’thaveanyreasontofeelhurtbywhateverAaronBlackfordsaid.ChapterSeven
WehadbeendrivinginsilenceforthelongestfifteenminutesofmylifewhenIdecidedIcouldnottakeitanylonger.
Iwasn’tinthemoodforsmalltalk,andIknewthatwaitingforAarontosaysomethingwouldbelikewaitingforabrickwalltocrackopenandrevealtheentrancetoawizardlyworld.ButifIdidn’tsayanythingtofillinthissilence,I’dhavetojumpoutofthemovingcar.
“So,afundraiser.”Mywordsfellintothereducedandquietspace,soundingtooloud.
Aaronnodded,hisgazeremainingontheroadandbothhandsonthesteeringwheel.“Foragoodcause,naturally.”
Anothernod.
“Andittakesplaceeveryyear?”
Anaffirmativegrunt.
Ifhedidn’tstarttalking,sayinganything,Iwouldn’tjumpoutofthemovingcar;I’dbepushinghimout.
“And…”Ineededaquestionthatwouldn’tstrictlyrequireayesornoanswer.“Howarethefundsgoingtoberaised?”
Heseemedtoconsiderthatforalongmoment,almostmakingmebelieveI’dreallyhavetoshovehimout.
“Anauction.”
Finally.“What’sbeingauctioned?”Ifidgetedwiththesimplegoldcuffbraceletthatcircledmywrist,waitingforananswerthatnevercame.“Isitart?”Iturnedthesmoothpieceofjewelryaround.“Golflessons?”Anotherturn.“Ayacht?”Ilookedathim.Nothing.Noanswer.“Elvis’sunderwear?”
Thatgotmeareaction.Hesentmeapuzzledlookandthenreturnedhisattentiontotheroad.
“What?”Ishruggedoneshoulder.“I’llhaveyouknowthatsomeoneauctionedadirtypairofundiesElvishadworntoaconcertinthe’70s.”
IwatchedAaron’sheadshake.Mr.Properwasprobablyscandalized,buthewasstillnottalking,soIkeptfillinginthesilence.
“Chill.Nobodyboughtthem.”Istudiedhisprofileforanyreaction.Stillnothing.“Orbidforthem,”Icorrectedmyself.“Idon’tknowmuch,ifanything,aboutauctions.”MoresilenceO-kay.“Buttheconclusionwasthat,apparently,noonewantedElvis’susedunderwear.”Isnickered.“Which,frankly,itsortofstrengthenedmyfaithinsociety.Notallislostyet,right?”
Amuscleinhisjawjumped.
“Whowouldwanttoownsomethinglikethat?Andwhat’sevenmoredaunting,whatfor?Toframeit?”Agrimacebentmylips.“Imaginebeinginvitedtoahomeandfindingadirtypairofunderwearframed,hangingabovethesofa.Orthetoilet.”
Aaronshotmeaquickglance,somethingthatlookedalotlikewonderfillinghiseyes.Then,hefinallyspoke,“Ineverknowwithyou,youknow?”
Andthat’swhathedecidedtogowith?
“Youneverknowwhat?”Frowning,Iwatchedhisheadgiveanotherlightshake.
“Ineverknowwhat’sgoingtocomeoutofyourmouth.”Hisvoicesoundedalmostthoughtful.“Youalwaysfindawaytocatchmecompletelyoffguard.Andthat’snotsomethingmanypeoplecando.”
Uh…
WhatwasIsupposedtodowiththat?Wasthat…acompliment?IhadbeenramblingaboutElvis’susedunderwearhanginginsomebody’slivingroom,soIwasgoingtogowithno.Notacompliment.Plus,thiswasAaronweweretalkingabout,sodoubleno.
“Well,Ihavemorefunfactsforyou,ifthat’swhatyouwant,”Iofferedwithasmile.“Ofallkinds,notonlyunderwear-related.”
“Ofcourseyoudo,”hemuttered.
“Unlessyouwanttousethisprecioustimeto,Idon’tknow,givemesomekindofcontextabouttonight.”Iwaitedone,two,threeseconds.Oncemore,heseemedtofallsilentwhenIasked.“YoucouldmaybeexplaintomewhyI’mhere,pretendingtobeyourdate.That’sagoodstart.”
Hisfingersgrippedthesteeringwheeltighter;itwashardtomissbecause,well,Ihadbeencarefullywatchinghimforthelastcoupleofminutes.
Andyet,hewasstillnottalking.
Ifrowned,startingtofeelfrustratedinawaythatwasn’tverycharitable.“YousaidyouwouldtellmeeverythingifIagreedtocome.”
“Ididsaythat,didn’tI?”
“Yep,”Ianswered,notgettingwhyhewasbeingso…privy.AlthoughthatwasjusthowAaronwas,wasn’tit?Itshouldn’thavesurprisedme.
Iwatchedhishandsmoveupalongthesteeringwheel,theactiontensingthefabricofhistuxjacket.AsIwasunablenottonoticehowhisarmsfilledthesleeves,mymindwanderedawayforaninstant,thisweirdsensationIhadexperiencedbackintheapartmentreturning.
Iwasbeingsidetrackedby…him.Hispresence,hisproximity,thewayhelooked.Again.Objectivelyspeaking,itwashardtodomuchelsebesidesstareathim,dwarfingthecar’sseatlikeheprettymuchdidwitheverythingelse—especiallywhenhewasn’ttalkingandgivingmeanexcusenotto.Buttherewasnothingobjectiveaboutthewaymyeyesinvoluntarilytraileduphisarms,endingathisroundedandwideshoulders.Orthewaytheymadetheirwayuptohisprofile.Stoic.Sostoicandserious.Hewasn’tsmiling—Aaronneverdid—andI’dneverbeenmoreawareofthatfact.
Itwasn’tjustthetux,Irealized.
Sofar,IhadsomehowbeenabletooverlookhowattractiveAaronwas.NotthatIhadn’tnoticedhewasgood-looking—Ihad.ButIhadonlyneededtorememberhisdryandsourpersonalitytoglossoverthatratherquickly.Butthatdidnotchangethetruth.AndthatwasthatAaronhadallthosethingsthatmademyheadturnandtakeasecondlook.AllthosethingsIdidn’tlookforbutforsomereasonIfeltcompelledby.AllthosethingsIwasn’t.Tall—hestoodsotallandunmovable.Allleanmusclesandcontrolledmovements.Everygesturesocomposedanddisciplined.Orthewayinwhichhispaleskinanddarkhairmadehiseyesstandout,adeepandintenseshadeofbluethatIhadneverseenbeforeImethim.
Rippingmygazeoffhimandsettlingmyeyesonmyhandsagain,Icursedmyselfforallowingmymindtogothere.WhatthehellamIevendoing?Therewereimportantthingstodiscuss.Ididn’thavetimetothinkabouthisstupidlybigandapparentlyalluringtux-cladbody.Damntuxedos
“Youareplayinghardtoget,Blackford.Butit’sallright,”Isaid,realizingAaronhadn’tgivenmethatexplanationheowedme.“IcanguesswhyI’mhere.”I’lldothatifithelpsmetostopthinkingcrazy,stupidstuffaboutyou.“I’mgameifyouare.”
Moresilence.
“Allright,I’lltakethatasayes.Let’splay.”Ishiftedinmyseat,anglingmybodytomyleftside.“WhyamIhere?Let’ssee…amIheretoprotectyoufromacrazyex-girlfriend?”Basic,butIhadtostartsomewhere.“Youlooklikeamanwhowouldattractcrazy.”
Helookedatmesideways,hisforeheadwrinkling.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Heshookhishead,returninghisgazetotheroad.“Youknowwhat?Idon’twanttoknow.”
“Okay,fine.Iguessthatwasano.Nocrazyexes.”Ibroughtmyindexfingertomychin.“Hmm…ifit’snotprotectionyouneed”—Itappedmyfinger—“amIheretomakesomeonejealous?”
“No,”heansweredquickly.
“Areyousure?”Iwiggledmyeyebrows.“Noformerloveryouwanttogetbackat?Showtheonewhogotawaywhatshe’smissing?Rekindleyourlovestory?”
“Isaid,noexes.”Hisshouldersrosewithtension.
“Okay,okay,Igotit.Calmdown,Blackford.Don’tgetyourpantiesinabunch.”
Iwatchedhislipstwitch.Inangerorhumor,Ididn’tknow.
“Idon’tknow,”Icontinued,enjoyingmyselffartoomuch.“Ifit’snotthat,then—oh!Isitunrequitedlovethen?Itis,isn’tit?”Ibroughtmyhandstogetherinfrontofmychest.“It’sgottabesomeoneunawareofyourlongingpuppyeyes.No,wait.Idon’tthinkyouarecapableofpullingoffpuppyeyes.”Itiltedmyhead,somethingoccurringtome.“Youknowthatyoucan’tgoaround,givingwomenthecoldeyeifyouareinterestedinthem,right?Iknowpuppyeyeswasgoingabittoofarforyou,butifthereissomeoneouttherewhoawakensthatstonecoldheartofyours—”
“No,”hefiredback,cuttingmeoff.“Youarenothereforanyofthat.”Heinhaleddeeply,hischestrising.Then,hepuffedouttheair.“Idon’tliketoplaygames,Catalina.”
Myhandsdroppedtomylap.“Thisparticulargameor…gamesingeneral?”Ipaused,wonderingwherehisreactionhadcomefrom.“Orarewetalkingaboutsexygames?Likeseductiongames?”
MylipssnappedshutassoonasIheardmyownwords.
Icouldn’tbelieveIhadsaidthat.ToAaron.
Neithercouldhe,apparently,becauseheletouta…noisethatIhadtheimpressionwassupposedtobealaugh.Althoughitcouldn’thavepossiblybeenthat,soundingcloserto…somethingstrangled.
“You…”Hisheadswiveledwithdisconcertment.“Jesus,Catalina.”
Foreheadwrinkling,Iopenedmymouthtosaysomething,butAaronspokefirst,“IfIendthingswithawoman,Iendthem.”Hisvoicewentatleastanoctavedown,arumbleintheconfinedspacebetweenus.“AndifIaminterestedinsomeone,Imakemyselfheard.Iwillfindawayforhertoknow.Soonerorlater,she’llknow.”Aarondidn’tlookatme,notonce.Hejustspokewithhisgazeontheroadaheadofus.“Iwouldn’tuseyou,oranyoneelse,forsomethinglikethat.Asyousaidbackinyourapartment,I’mabigboy.”
Ifeltawaveofwarmthclimballthewayuptomyface.Flushed.Iwasflushed,andmymakeupwasprobablynotdoinganythingtohidethedarkshadeofredspreadingthroughmycheeks.Ilookedaway.“Oh,okay.”Ifoughttheurgetotouchmyface,checkiftheblushwasheatingmyskintoo.“Isee.”
Iwasn’tseeingasinglething.Andfrankly,Ididn’tunderstandwhyhiswordsweremakingmefeelthiswayeither.Ormoreimportantly,whyhehadaskedformyhelpifhedidn’tplaygamesandwasabigboy
Butwherethismanwasconcerned,Ihadn’tseemedtobeunderstandingmuchlately.Especiallywhenmybodyhaddecidedtostopcooperatingandwasactingupinallthesestupidwaysthatturnedmyskinwarmandflushed.
Istaredthroughthewindow,watchingthecitylightsflickawayaswedrove.“YousaidyouwouldtellmeeverythingifIacceptedtodothis.”Iswallowed,notwantingtosoundlikeIcaredasmuchasIdid.“Ifwe…didthisthingforeachother.”
“Youareright,”hesaid,notaddinganythingelseforalongmoment,inwhichIdidn’tturntolookathim.“Iusedtoplayfootballincollege,”headmitted,catchingmecompletelybysurprise.
Veryslowly,IgrippedthestrapofmyseatbeltwhileItriedtomuffledowntheholyshitthathadtraveledallthewaytothetipofmytongue.
Okay,sothatwasn’tanexplanation.Itwasn’ttheanswerIhadexpected.ButitwasthefirstthingIhadeverheardofhimthatwasn’twork-related.Inalmosttwoyears.So,ifmyearswerenotdeceivingme,Aaronhadjustopenedup—forthefirsttimeever.BecauseI’dcountitasthat.Justatinylittlebit,fine,butitwasacrackonthathardexteriorallthesame.Andallofasudden,Iwantedtoswingahammerandpummelmywaytotheotherside.
“Football?Theonewiththehelmetsandthemelon-likeball?”Iaskedinstead,keepingmyvoiceasflataspossible.
Iwasn’tasportsdoofus,butIwasEuropean.Ineededtobesureweweretalkingaboutthesamesport.
“Yes,notsoccer.Theonewiththemelon.”Henodded.“IplayedbackhomeinSeattle,whereIwenttocollege.”
“Seattle,”Irepeated,chewingonthisnewpieceofinformationhehadgivenme.More.Iwantedjustalittlemore.“That’sWashingtonupnorth,right?IknowbecauseofTwilight.Forksissupposedtobeafewhoursaway.”IkindofregrettedmentioningTwilight,butbeggarscouldn’tbechoosers,andbesidesthefewplacesIhadvisited,myknowledgeonAmericangeographywasbasedonbooksandmovies.
“That’stheone,”hesaid,hisshouldersrelaxingdown.Justaninch.WhichinAaron’slanguagemeantgreenlightformorequestions.
“So,thisthingwearegoingtotonight,doesithavetodowithyourfootballdaysthen?”
Aaronnodded.“I’mstillinvitedtosomeevents.BecauseIplayed,butmostlybecauseofmyfamily’sinvolvementintheNCAA,”heexplained,drivingusalongoneofthewideavenuesinManhattan.“Onceayear,acharityeventforanassociationofanimalwelfareishostedhereinNewYork,andanumberofpersonalitiesattend.”
“Areyouoneofthosepersonalities?”I’dhavetoGooglewhattheNCAAwaslater,butIhadafeelingtherewassomethinghewasn’ttellingme.“OhmyGod,AaronBlackford,areyoutellingmeyoucomefrom,like,alonglineoffootballroyals?”
Aaron’sbrowsknit.“Catalina.”
InpureAaronfashion,thatwasalltheanswerIgot.
“Willyourfamilybetheretonightthen?”
“No,”hesaid,hisprofilehardeningforaheartbeatandconfirmingmysuspicions.
IguessedI’dhavetoGooglethattoo.
“Tonight’seventisforraisingmoneythatwilleventuallygotoshelter,rehabilitate,andfindhomesforrescuedanimalsinNewYork.IattendwheneverI’mableto.It’sgoodtoseeafewpeopleI’veknownformostofmylife,andit’sforacauseIcareabout.”
Iimmediatelyforgotaboutwhateveritwasthathewasn’ttellingmeabouthisfamily.Aaroncaredaboutthewelfareofanimals?Aboutrescuingthemandfindingthemnewhomes?
Rightoncue,somethingfuzzyandwarmtingledinmychest.AndthefeelinggotonlyworsewhenIfoundmyselfpicturingAaronholdingabunchofcutepuppiesthathecaredaboutandraisedmoneyforinhisbulkyarms.Ashekneltonafield.Inhisfootballgear.Tightpants.Shouldersthatwentformiles.Dirtsmudgedonhischeeks.
Thatwarmthturnedalittlethickerandhardertoignore.
“That’s…great,”Isaid,tryingtokickthoseimagesoutofmyhead.“Reallyniceofyou.”
Aaron’sgazeturnedtome,andoneofhiseyebrowswentup.HewasprobablyweirdedoutbyhowhardIwasblushing.
Whycan’tIstopblushing?
“Doyoualwaysbringafakedatetothisevent?”Iblurtedoutwithoutthinking.
“No.”Aaron’slipspressedinaflatline.“I’vealwaysattendedalone.ThisisthefirsttimeI’mbringingadate.”
Adate.
Adate?
Myeyebrowswrinkled.Afakedate,notadate.
Iwasabouttocorrecthim,buthespokefirst,“Wearealmostthere.”
IremainedinsilenceasIprocessedeverythingIhadjustlearned.ThisnewdepthofAaronIhaddiscovered.Alittlepeekthroughthatcrackhehadrevealedtome.AndallthosedangerousmentalimagesIhadacquired,which,muchtomydismay,wouldstickwithmeforalongtime.Thatwassomethingthatneededsomeprocessingtoo.
“Wait,”Iletoutashemadeaturntotheright.“Youdidn’ttellmewhat’sbeingauctioned.OrwhyI’mhere.”
ThevehiclecametoaslowstopinfrontofoneofthenumerousskyscrapersonParkAvenue.Lookingover,Ispottedaparkingvaletwaitingonthesidewalk.
Eyeswide,IturnedtoAaron.Afreakingvalet?Shit.
Hisbluegazesettledonmeonelasttime,andIsworetherewassomethingwolfish,somethingalittlewild,aboutthem.
“Me.”Hetiltedhishead,holdingmygaze.“That’swhat’sbeingauctioned.”Hisvoicematchedthequalityofhiseyes,makingashivertraildownmyarms.“Andthat’swhatyou’llbebiddingontonight,Catalina.Me.”
Eyesevenwiderandjawprobablylyingsomewherearoundmyhighheels,IblinkedandwatchedAaronthrowthedriver’sdooropen.HewalkedaroundthecarasI—unsuccessfully—triedtogathermywits.Hegesturedtothevaletnottoopenmydoor.
Aarondid.
Thehumidsummerbreezegrazedmyarmsandlegsasthisblue-eyedman,whoIwasstartingtounderstandIknewlittleabout,offeredhishand.
“MissMartín,ifyouplease.”
Iblinkedathimforalongmoment.Mywholebodynumbwith…thingsIfailedtopindownandidentify.
Oneofthecornersofhislipsbentwiththestartofasmirk;hewasclearlyenjoyinghowdiscombobulatedIwas.HowscatteredImustappear.God,helookedasamusedasIhadeverseenhim.
“Todaybetterthantomorrow,Catalina.”
ThatcommentwassoAaron,soliketheAaronIknewandwasfamiliarandcomfortablewith—theonewhowascurtanddemanding,nottheonewhowastakingmetoafundraisersoIcouldbidonhiminanauction—thatmyhandshottohis,beingimmediatelyengulfedinhismuchlargerone.
Hehelpedmeoutofthecar,thelongskirtofmygownthatwasn’treallyagowncascadingdownmylegs.Aaronletmyhanddropalltooquickly,leavingmypalmwarmfromhistouch.Then,heheldthemassiveandsumptuousdooroftheParkAvenueskyscraperopenforme.
Itookonestepforward,tryingtokeepthehammeringinmychestundercontrol.
Allright
Myotherfootmovedinfrontofme.
So,I’dbefake-biddingformyfakedatetonight.Formysoon-to-befakeboyfriendifourdealwasstillupaftertonight.
Nobigdeal,right?ChapterEight
WhenAaronhadmentionedfundraiser,followedbyauction,Ihadpicturedafancybutfrillyroomfilledwithwealthyanduptownoldpeople.Don’taskmewhy.ButIhadnotexpectedthespectacularrooftopwherewehadbeenwelcomedwithafluteglassofthetastiestsparklingwineIhadeverhadthepleasuretodrink.Andsurely,notthetrendy—andratherextravagant—arrayofpeopleofallagesandbackgroundsinattendance.
WhoknewthattheupperspheresoftheBigApplecouldbeso…colorful?
NotthatIhadmeteverybodyhere.Actually,wehadprettymuchstucktothosesomehowrelatedtothefootballworld.WhichseemednaturalafterAaron’srevelationabouthispastandhisfamilyinvolvementinit.Forthelasthour,Ihadbeenintroducedtoacoupleofcoachesandteamcoordinators,asportscaster,andanumberofinfluentialpeoplewhosepositionsIwasn’tfamiliarwithbutthatInoddedtolikeIknewexactlywhattheydid.Theonlypeoplewehadtalkedtooutsidethesportsbubblewereafewentrepreneurswhosecorporations,enterprises,andwhatnotIhadneverheardofeither.
Everytimeweencounteredanewgroupofpeople,AaronintroducedmeasCatalinaMartín,notaddinganykindoflabelbeforeoraftermyname.WhichsomehowhelpedmeloseallthattensionIhadcarriedwithmefromthecardriveanddefinitelyaidedwithmynewfoundintentionoftryingtoenjoymyself.
Thiswasmyfirsttimeataneventlikethisone,anditwouldmostlikelybemylast,sotheleastIcoulddowashavefun.
“Ialreadysaidso,butI’msohappytoseeyou,Aaron.”Angela,aladyinherfiftieswhowascladinadressthatwasprobablyworthtwoorthreetimesmymonth’srent,smiled.“Especiallywithsomeoneonyourarm.”
Ifeltmycheeksheat,soIdistractedmyself,takingasipfrommyfancyfluteglass.
Wehadbeenchattingwithherforafewminutesnow.Andthewholetime,Ihadbeensilentlywatchingthewomanwithfascination.Hereleganceandpoisehadmeinawe.Andunlikemorethanafewpeoplehere,shehadkindeyes.Thefactthatshewasthemindbehindtonight’seventwasonlythecherryontop.
“So,tellme”—Angela’slipsinchedhigher—“you’llbetakingpartinthisyear’sauctiontoo,Ipresume?Istillhaven’tgottenthechancetocheckthefinallist.”
“Yes,ofcourse,”Aaronansweredfromhispostatmyside.
Wehadn’thadtimetodiscusswhatthedealwiththiswholemebiddingforhimwas.BythetimeIhadsomehowpulledittogether,wehadbeenwalkingoutoftheelevatorandintotheparty.We’dbeenquicklyjumpingfromonesmallgroupofpeopletothenext,soIhadn’thadthechancetointerrogatehimaboutit.
“That’slovelytohear.”Shetookasipofherdrink.“Ihadmydoubts,ifImaybecompletelyhonest.”Angelathrewherheadbackandlaughed.“Lastyear’sauctionwas…intense.Veryentertaining,tosaytheleast.”
Aaronshiftedbymyside.Glancingathim,Icouldtellbythewayhisshoulderstensedthathewasslightlyuncomfortablewithwheretheconversationwasgoing.
Thatpiquedmycuriosity.
Angelacontinued,“Goodthingyoubroughtsomeonetonight.I’msureitwillkeepthenightalive.”Sheturnedtome.“Catalinadear,Ihopeyouarereadyforsomefiercecompetition.”
IsensedAaronshiftingsomemore.WhichpushedmyeyestobouncefromAngelatohim.“Fiercecompetition?”Irepeated,thinkingofAaron’swords—“Andthat’swhatyou’llbebiddingontonight,Catalina.Me.”—andpiecingtogetherthatperhapsthatwasexactlywhyIwashere.
Aaron’sgriponhisglassgrewalittletighter.“Nothingyoushouldworryabout.”
Iwatchedhimforalongmoment,mycuriositydoubling.Then,IturnedtoAngela,whowassmilingwithsomethingthatlookedalotlikemischief.
“Oh,butI’mnotworried.”Asmiletuggedatmylips,oneIwasgoingtobetwasverysimilartoAngela’s.“I’malwayshereforagood,entertainingstory.”
IheardAaron’sresignedsighfrommyside.
Angela’sgrinwidened.“IthinkI’mgoingtoleavethehonorstodothattoAaron.”Then,sheleanedandaddedinahushedvoice,“I’msurehissideofthestoryisallthemorecaptivating.Especiallythepartnobodygottosee.”
Oh?
BeforeIcouldpressforthedetailsIwasdyingtohear,Angela’sattentionwascaughtbysomething—someone—behindus.“Oh,there’sMichael.Ifyou’llpleaseexcuseme,Imustgosayhi.”
“Ofcourse.”Aaronnodded,bodystillallstiff,althoughhewasprobablygladAngelawasmovingontosomeoneelse.“Itwasniceseeingyou,Angela.”
“Yes,”Igaveherapolitesmile.“Itwasapleasuremeetingyou,Angela.”
“Thepleasurewasallmine,Catalina.”Sheleanedinandair-kissedmycheek.“Don’tlethimoffthehooktooeasily.”Shewinkedandthenwalkedawayinthedirectionofthesectionoftherooftopwheremostpeopleweregathered.Aspacefilledwithhightablesthatlookedstraightoutofadesigncatalogandlinesofwickerfloorlampsthatservedastheonlysourceofillumination.
IturnedtolookatAaron,findingthatpairofblueeyesalreadyonme.
Pushingdowntheslightblushclimbingupmyneck,Iclearedmythroat.“I’mallears,Blackford.”IbroughtmyglasstomylipsandfinallyfinishedthesparklingwineIhadbeennursingforthelasthour.“Ithinkit’stimeyoufillmein.”
Aaronseemedtothinkabouthiswordsforamoment.“AsI’msureyouhavealreadydeducted,tonight’smaineventisabachelorauction.”
“Abachelorauction,”Irepeatedslowly.“Justyourrun-of-the-millSaturdaynightactivity,Iassume.”
Aaronsighed.
Irolledmyindexfingerintheair.“Keepgoing.Iwanttoheartherest.”
“Idon’tthinkthere’smuchelsetosay.”Hebalancedhisglassinhishand.
“Well,forgiveme,Blackford,butIthinktheremustbeplenty.Plus,IwanttomakesureIunderstandtheconceptoftonight’smaineventcorrectly.”
Heshotmeaglance.
Isuppressedmysmile.“Right.So,duringthisauctionofyoursthen…bachelorsareacquired,yousay.”
“Correct.”
“By,Iassume,singlewomenandmen?”
Henodded.
“Foranamountofmoney,”Ipointedout.“Allinthenameofcharity,ofcourse.”
Anothernod.
Itappedmyfingeronmychin.“Ijustwonder…no,nevermind.It’sstupid.”
Aaronshotmeatiredglance.“Outwithit,Catalina.”
“Ifpeoplearebidding—buying—allthesebachelors”—Iwatchedhiseyesnarrow,exasperationwrittenalloverhisface—“whathappensnext?Whenthebachelorisacquired,whatisheacquiredfor?”
Aaron’slipspressedinaflatline
Icontinued,“Imean,thisisnotlikebiddingforaboatoraPorsche.Iguessyoucannottakethebachelorforaride.”Okay,thatsounded…wrong.Onecouldtechnicallytakesomeoneforaride.Acertainsortofride.“Notthatkindofride,”Irushedout,watchingAaron’sexpressionchange.Amusclejumpedinhisjaw.“Notlikearideinayeehawkindofway.Isaidthatbecauseonetakescarsforaride.Like,foraspin.Butnotmen,notinthatway.Atleast,Ihavenevertakenamanforaspin.”Ishookmyhead.Iwasmakingitworse,andthemoreItalked,themoreAaron’slipspaled.“YouknowwhatImean.”
“No,”Aaronansweredsimply,bringingtheglasstohislipsandtakingasip.“Moreoftenthannot,Idon’tknowwhatyoumean,Catalina.”Hebroughthishandtohisrighttemple.“Whoeveroffersthehighestbid,whichwillbedonatedtothecause,getstogoonadatewiththemaninquestion.That’swhatthebachelorisacquiredfor.”
Holdup,what?
“Adate?”
Hisbrowsknit.“Yes,adate.”
“Likeadate,date?”
“Adate,date.Yes.Youknow,normally,twopeoplewhoengageinasocialappointmentthatofteninvolveseating.Sometimes,otherkindsofactivities.”Heleveledmewithalook.“Likegoingforridesandspins.”
Mylipsparted.No,mymouthhungopen.
Washe…hadhejust…
“Ha,hilarious.”Mycheeksheated.ButIdidn’thavetimetobeembarrassed.Becausethatmeant…“So,dowehaveto…youknow,doit?”
“Whatexactly?”
“Thedatething,”Iexplained,loweringmyvoicesonobodycouldhearus.“IknowI’monlyyourfakebidder.So,dowehavetodoitanyway?Like,fakedoit?BecauseyousaidI’mheretofakebidonyou,soIjust…youknow.”
JudgingbyAaron’sexpression,therewassomethingfromallthethingsIhadjustsaidthathefoundparticularlyunpleasant.Histhroatworkedslowly,lookingasifhewereswallowingsomethingsour.
“Nevermind.We’llfigureitoutlater.Iguessit’snotimportant.”WhatwasimportantnowwasclimbingoutofthisholeIhadjustdugformyself.“So,doyoutakepartintheauctioneveryyear?”
Hiseyeslookedawayforaheartbeatandthensettledbackonme.“EversinceImovedtoNewYork.Thisismythirdtime.”
“Andyou…takeallthesebiddersondates?”Okay,thatwasn’texactlychangingthetopicofconversation,butapartofmewantedtoknow.Kindof.
“Ofcourse.It’spartofthedeal.”
Hisearlierwordscametomind.
“Andyoudon’tgobackonyourword.”
“Exactly.”
Thatconfirmation,thatpartofthedealbit,feltlikeapunchtothestomach.Backinmyapartment,Ihadthoughthe’dsoundedsincerewhenhetoldmethathewouldn’tpulloutofourdeal.AndIhadfelt…skepticalinaway,yes,butapartofmehadalsofeltspecial.Forlackofabetterword.LikehewasdoingthatformeandIcouldcountonhim.Perhapsbecauseheknewhowimportantitwasforme,howmuchIneededhim.Butnow,itseemedIhadbeenwrong.ThiswasthewayAaronwaswired.
Itdidn’thaveanythingtodowithme.
Andthatmadesense.Thedumbthingtodohadbeenthinkingotherwise.
“Andwhatdoyoudoonthesedates?”Iaskedwithoutthinkingmuchofit,justsohewouldn’tgetachancetoseeanythingonmyface.“Wheredoyoutakethem?”
“Nothingspecial,”headmittedwithasigh.“Thebachelorusuallypickstheactivityandputseverythingtogether.So,thetwotimesIhaveparticipated,Ihaveorganizedsomethingatoneoftheanimalsheltersinthecity.Spendingsometimethere,volunteeringandhelpingoutoreventakingafewdogsforawalk.”
Thatwas…sweet.GenerousandkindandwaymorethanIwouldhaveeverexpectedfromhim,ifmyheartskippingateeny-tinybeatandcatchingmebysurprisewasanyindication.
Ilookeddown,realizingmyfingerswereplayingwiththecuffaroundmywristagain.“That’swhereyoutooklastyear’sbidderthen?”
“Yes.”Icouldfeelhimsilentlyaskingmenottogothere.NottoaskwhatAngelahadmentionedearlier.
“Oh,”Isaiddistractedly.“Speakingoflastyear”—Ihadtoask—“whathappenedduringtheauction?”
Aaron’sshoulderstensed,hisfacefallingwithresignation.“Notmuch.”
“Ohyeah?”Ifeignedsurprise.“So,thisfiercecompetitionthatAngelawastalkingabout,theoneIshouldnotbescaredof,doesn’tringanybell?”
Iwatchedhislipstwitchandthenbendinapout.
ApoutOnAaron’slips.
“Likenobellswhatsoever?”Ipressed,gettingacquaintedwiththatexpressionofhisforthefirsttimeever.“Reallynone?”
AaronBlackfordkeptpouting,whichinturnmademewanttosmileaswideasIcouldgo.NotthatIwould.Isuppressedtheurge.
“Oh,okay.”Ishrugged.“I’msuregettingmobbedbyoverexcitedbiddersisacommonoccurrenceforyouthen,Blackford.”IteasedhimbecausehowcouldInotwhenhelookedall…mortifiedandreadytocomeoutofhisskin?Plus,hehadteasedmefirstanyway.“Howdidithappenexactly?Didtheyflingthemselvesatyou?Orwasitperhapssomethingsubtler?Likehurlingtheirmoneyatyourfeet?Thentheirunderwear?”
Ifthismanhadtheabilitytoblush,Iwouldhavebetallmymoneyonthosecheeksturningredanymoment.
“There’snothingtobeembarrassedabout.Youareabigboyanyway.”
Aaron’seyebrowsshotuphisforehead.“Yes,wehavestatedthat.”Hemovedonestepcloser.“Icanfendformyself.”
“Itdidn’tsoundlikethat.”MyvoicecameoutwobblierthanIwouldhaveliked.
Then,hetookonemorestep,andsomethingflutteredinmybelly.
“Luckily”—heleanedcloser,fixatinghisblueeyesonme—“youareheretonight.”
Theflutterintensified.Whichdidnotmakeanysense.Ishouldhavebeen…what?WhatshouldIhavebeenfeeling?
“Andthehighestbidwillbeyours.Notanyoneelse’s.”
MyheartracedasIlookedupathim,feelingoverwhelmedinawaythatwasn’tstrictlynegativeforhowclosehewasstanding.
Aarondidn’tstepback;instead,hecontinuedtalking,hisvoicecomingcloserandcloser,“Iwilltakecareofthemoney.Thedonationwillleavemypocket,notyours,sodon’tbeshywiththebidaslongasyoubeateveryonehere.Hurlthemoneyatmyfeet,ifyouwill.Justmakesureit’syou”—hepaused,andIfeltmythroatdryingup—“theonebuyingme.Understood?”
Thoselastfewwordsseemedtoechoinmymind,minglingwiththeflutteringsensationinmybelly,makingmyskintingle.
Ihadtoliterallystepbacktoforcemyselftoprocesswhathehadjusttoldme.Ididn’tthinkI’dbeabletodonatemorethanafewhundreddollarsonmyown,soitwasagoodthingAaronhadconcoctedthisplanwithhischeckbookandnotmine.
Whichledmetoconsideroneoftwopossibilities:AaronBlackfordtrulycaredaboutthecause,orhewaswealthyenoughnottocarehowmuchIdonatedinhisnameaslongasIsparedhimadate.
Adateweweresupposedtogoonafterthis,ifwefollowedtherules.Butonethatwouldn’tbereal.Becausethiswasn’treal.Itwasallanact.
“Well,adealisadeal,Blackford,”Itoldhimwithanawkwardshrug,shovingawaythestrangeandhazythoughtofgoingonadatewithAaron.Toananimalshelter.Andseeinghimplaywithabunchofcutepups.Inhisfootballgearwith—
PorelamordeDios,Ihavetostopallthesementalimages.
Aaron’smouthopened,butbeforehecouldspeak,amanapproachedus.HeplacedahandonAaron’sshoulder.Thelatterturnedatthecontactandrelaxedassoonashetookinthemanbyhisside.
“Icannotbelievemyeyes.”HepattedAaron’sbackfirmly.“IsthisAaronBlackford,gracinguswithhiscompanytonight?Itmustbemyluckyday.”
Aaronsnorted;itwasashortandlightnoise,butIhadheardit.“Itcertainlyisn’tminenowthatyouareheretoo,”hemuttered,therightcornerofhislipsbentwiththeghostofalopsidedsmile.
Theman—whoIassumedwasorhadbeenclosetoAaronatsomepoint,ifhisreactionwasanyindication—shookhishead.“Ohhell,thathurt.”Hebroughtahandtohischestasthedarkskinaroundhiseyeswrinkled.“HowlonghasitbeensinceIlastsawyournastyface?”
“Notlongenough,ifyouaskme.”Aaron’sface,onethatusuallyremainedexpressionless,openedup.Hisbodyseemedtoloosenupashefacedtheotherman.“Howareyou,TJ?”Icouldhearthewarmthinhisvoice.Thefamiliarity.
“I’veneverbeenbetter,”TJ—accordingtowhatAaronhadcalledhim—nodded.“Happytobeback,believeitornot.Damn,IneverthoughtI’dmissthecity.”
Achuckleleftmeattheexchange,asIwasengrossedbythiswhollynewanddifferentAaroninfrontofme.Onewhowasrelaxed—justenoughtoalmostsmile—andjoked—barely—withwhoIassumedwasanoldfriend.
“But—oh,Iseeyourlonelyasshascompanytonight.Hi.”TJstraightened,atoothygrintakingoverhisface.HewasprobablyaroundAaron’sage,giveortake.Hisframewasjustaswideandalmostastall.Hisbrowneyestookmeinwithaninterestthatcaughtmebysurprise.Ididn’tthinkitwasinterestinme,nope.HeseemedtomirrormyownfascinationwithAaronhavingsomeonebyhisside.“Aren’tyougoingtointroduceme,BigA?Whereareyourmanners?”HeelbowedAaronintheribs.
Aarondidn’tevenflinchatthefriendlyshove,remainingtheimmovablewallthatheusuallywas;hewasBigAafterall,anicknameI’dmakesuretoqueryaboutlater.ThoselipsthatIhadseenpoutingjustafewminutesagoopened,buttheydidtoolate.
“Fine.Icanintroducemyselftothelady,”Aaron’sfriendsaid,notgivinghimachancetodosohimself.Hestretchedouthishand.“TyrodJames.Apleasuretomakeyouracquaintance.”
IheardanoisecomingfromAaron.Somethingveryclosetohisearliersnort.
“TJforthoseluckyenoughtocallmeafriend.”Hisgrinwidened.
Takinghishand,Ishookitwithalightlaugh.“It’sverynicetomeetyou.I’mCatalinaMartín,butplease,callmeLina.”
TJ’swarmpalmheldmyhand,headslanted.“Andwhatbringsyouhere,Lina?”
IshotAaronaquickglance,hesitatingastowhattosay.Then,mygazereturnedtoTJ,whowaitedforananswerthatshouldhavecomefarmoreeasilythanthis.
Smilingawkwardlyandnothavinganyideawhattosay,IgaveAaronanothersidewaysglanceandopenedmymouth.“I…erm—”
Aaronintervened.Finally.“TJandIwereteammatesinSeattle.”Heturnedtowardhisfriend.“Catalinaisherewithmetonight.”
TJ’seyesstayedonmeashestillwaitedinsilence,clearlywantingmetoelaborateonAaron’sintroduction.Allright,thewholeCatalinaiswithmewasvagueandredundant,butIcoulddefinitelygowiththat.
Iclearedmythroat.“Yes,wecameheretogether,AaronandI.”Iwavedmyhandbetweenus.“He…pickedmeupandthendroveushere.Inhiscar.Together.”Inoddedmyhead,seeingTJ’seyeslightupwithamusement,whichmademeuncomfortable.Which,inturn,mademeitchtofillinthesilence.“Ihaveadriver’slicense.ButNewYork’strafficisscary.So,Ihaveneverdareddrivinginthecitymyself.”Unnecessary,Lina.WhatamIdoing?“So…it’sareallygoodthingAaronpickedmeup.Hedoesn’tlooklikehe’sscaredofthetraffic.Actually,it’shimwhocanbealittlescarysometimes.”Ichuckled,butitdiedoffquickly.“NotthatI’mscaredofhim.Otherwise,Iwouldn’thavegotteninhiscar.”Shutup,Lina.Shut.Up.IfeltAaron’slasereyesboringholesintomyprofile.TJ’stoo,butinamuchlesshostilewayandamuchmoreabsorbedone.“So,yeah,longstoryshort,wecameheretogether.”
Cringinginternally,IremindedmyselfthatthiswaswhatIdeservedforlyinginthefirstplace.
Aaron’sfriendchuckled,bringingbothhishandstothepocketsofhismaroontuxedo.TJ’seyesjumpedbetweenus,hisgazebouncingacoupleoftimesfromAarontomeandthenrightback.Whateverhefound,itwasenoughforhimtonodhisheadwithsomethingthatlookedalotliketrouble.
“Hmm,”TJhummed,shrugginghisshoulders.“Well,Aaroncanbeascarymotherfucker.”Hewinked.“Me,ontheotherhand?Justcharm.”
“Icantell.”Ismiled,justgladTJhadtakenover.
“AsI’msureyoualreadyknow,thereisabachelorauctiongoingontonight,andnotonlyamIabachelormyself”—TJheldbothhandsup,mischiefwrittenalloverhisface.Then,hepeeredatAaron,asdidI,andfoundhimshootingdaggersathim—“butIhavealsosignedupfortheauction.AndwhileI’msureI’llbeexpensive,Icanpromiseyou,Iamworthyour—”
“TJ,”Aaroncutoffhisfriend.“Thatwon’tbenecessary.”
Aaron’sbodysomehowshiftedclosertome,myshoulderalmostbrushinghisarm.Thatkernelthathadbeenplantedbackinmyapartment—thatawarenessofAaron’sbody,thewayhisproximitywasreallyhardtoignoreallofasudden—sprouted.
IlookedupatAaron,findinghiseyesalreadyonmeashisheadleaneddown.
“Youcanstoppitchingyourself,”hetoldhisfriendashisgazesnaredmine.Then,Ifelttheghostofatouchonthesmallofmyback.OrsoIthoughtbecauseitwasgonefartooquicklytobesureithadbeenreal.“Catalinaisbiddingonmetonight.”
Iblinked.TrappedbyAaron’seyesandhowclosehiswordshadfallen,almostgracingtheskinofmylefttemple.
“Youseemverysureofthat,”IheardTJsay,myeyesstilllockedwithAaron’s.“Atleastforsomeonewhosoundedmorelikeherdriverthanherdate.”
Aarontorehisgazeoffme,landingonhisfriend.AndIdidthesame.
Somethingpassedbetweenthetwomen,andforaheartbeat,IfeltlikeIshouldintervene.
Then,TJthrewbackhisheadandlaughed,breakingwhatevertensionhadseemedtotakeshapearoundus.“I’mjustjoking,BigA.”Anothercackle.“Youshouldseeyourface.Forasecondthere,Ithoughtyouwereactuallygoingtotacklemetothefloororsomething.Youknowthat’snotmystyle.I’dnevergoafterafriend’sgirl.”
“I’mnot—”MymouthopenedtocorrectTJ,tellinghimIwasn’tAaron’sgirl.Butthelinesdelimitingourdealwereblurry,andIhadnoideaifI’dbeinsertingmyfootinmymouth.Iwashisfakedateandfakebidder,butdidthatmeanIwashisfakegirltoo?Damn,wedefinitelyneededtotalkthisoutbeforeSpain.ThistestrunwasprovingtobefarmorechallengingthanwhatIhadexpected.“Hewasn’tgoingtotackleyou,TJ.”
Aaron’sbodyseemedtorelaxwithasigh,somehowshiftingandanglingtowardme.Hischestbrushedmyarmjustlightly,makingmefeelthewarmthofhisbody.“Iseethat’ssomethingthathasn’tchanged,”Aaronmuttered.“Howhilariousyouthinkyouare.”
“Comeon,”Iintervened.“Hewasjustteasingyou.”JusthowIwouldhaveifIwasn’tstillfeelingalltinglyandweirdandIcouldfocusonsomethingbesidesthepointwheremyshouldergrazedAaron’schest.“Itwasharmlessfun.”
“See?Listentoyourgirl.Iwasjustpushingyourbuttons.”TJ’ssmilepersisted,lightinguphiswholeface.“Justlikeoldtimes.”
Aquestionpoppedupinmyheadthen.WhyhadTJfelttheneedtopushAaronlikethat?Wasthishowtheywerewitheachother?Itmusthavebeen.Aaronhadgottenterritorialinamatterofsecondsrightoutofnowhere.
“Oh,speakingofoldtimes,”TJsaid,hisfacesomehowtakingasomberquality.“IheardaboutCoach,andI’msorry,man.Iknowyouguysdon’ttalk,butheisstillyour—”
“It’sokay,”Aaroncuthisfriendoff.Icouldfeelthetensionemanatingoffhisbody.Theshift.Icouldsensehowuncomfortableandonguardhewasallofasudden.“Thanks,butthere’snothingyouhavetobesorryfor.”
Ilookedupathim,findinghimpinninghisfriendwithawarninginhiseyes.
“Allright,”TJcomplied,hisfacetakingonasomberedge.“I’msureIdon’tneedtotellyoubecauseyouhavelivedthroughityourself,buttimedoesn’twaitforyoutomakeamends,man.Timewaitsfornobody.”
TJstaredbackathisfriendwithsomethingIfailedtoidentify.AnemotionthatIwantedtounderstandwhereitwascomingfrom.HowandwhydiditaffectAaron,andwhatdidithavetodowiththatmanTJhadcalledCoach?
“Iconvincedmypopstocometonight.Isignedhimupfortheauction.”Thatmischievoussmilewasback.“It’stimehegetsoutthereandstartslivinghislifeagain.He’sveryexcited.”BeforeAaronorIcouldsayanything—AaronbecausehestilllookedalittlelosthimselfandmebecauseIwastryingtounderstandwhy—TJturnedtome.“So,Lina,ifyougettiredofhisboringface,justknowtherearenotone,buttwoJamesmenavailableonthestage.”
“I’llmakesuretorememberthat.”Ismiledathim,tryingtolightenmytone.“AlthoughIthinkIhavemyhandsfullwiththisone.”
IfeltAaron’seyesonme,warmingupmyface.
WhydidIsaythat?
“Whichremindsme,”TJsaid.“Theauctionwillbestartingsoon,andIwassenttostealthisuglybastardaway.So,ifyoudon’tmind,Lina,weshouldgetgoing.”
“Oh,ofcourse.”Iletmygazeroamaround,realizinghowmostofthepeoplehadshiftedclosertothestage,whichwasatoneoftheendsoftherooftop.Awaveofnervousnesswashedoverme.“Youguysshouldgo.”Mysmileturnedtight.“Icansparethecompanyforalittlewhile.”Iloweredmyvoice.“I’msureyouknowhowchattyhecanget.”IpointedatAaron.“So,myearscanusethebreak.”
TJcackledagain.“Areyousureyouwanttospendyourmoneyonhim,Lina?I’mtellingyou—”
Aaronglaredathisfriend.“Quititalready,wouldyou?”
“Okay,okay.Iwasjustsaying,man.”TJ’shandswentup.
Ichuckled,butitcameoutalittlestrangledbecauseAaronhadeatenthedistancethatseparatedus,myarmfullycomingincontactwithhischest,andallofasudden,Ididn’twanthimtogo.
MyeyeslandedonAaron,whowaslookingdownatmewithanapologyshiningintheblueofhiseyes.ImusthavelookedandsoundedasnervousasIfeltifAaronwasfeelingbadforleavingmetomyselfforalittlewhile.Ishookmyhead,tellingmyselftostopbeingsilly.
“Yes,IthinkI’msure,TJ,”IansweredTJ’sinitialquestionwhileIsearchedAaron’sface.“Go.I’llbefineonmyown.”
Heseemedtohesitate,notmovingfrommyside,andIfeltbadformakinghimfeellikeheneededtobabysitme.
“Don’tbesilly,BigA.I’mfine,andyouhavetogo.”IabsentlypattedAaron’schest,mypalmfreezingonthespot.
Aaronlookeddownatmyhandveryslowly,justaselectricityshotupmyarm.Iretrievedmyhandimmediately,nothavingtheslightestideawhyIhaddonethatbesidesthefactthatthetouchhadcomenaturallytome.Aaronhadfeltbadforleavingmealone—probablybecauseIhadlookedlikesomeonehadkickedmypuppy—andIhadautomaticallytriedtocomforthimwithphysicalcontact.Afriendlypat.Butweweren’tfriends,andIshouldn’tforgetthat.
Iclearedmythroat.“Go,seriously.”Iliftedmyemptyglassintheair,feelingmycheeksheatfortheumpteenthtimetonight.“I’llbusymyselfwithgettingarefill.”
“Icanstayalittlelonger,explaintoyouhowthebiddingworks.”Hisvoicewasoddlygentle.Itmademeuncomfortable.“Getyouanotherdrinktoo.”
Theurgetotouchhimagain—toreassurehimI’dbefine—wasback.Isuppressedit.“IthinkIcanfigureitoutonmyown,”Itoldhimsoftly.Itcouldn’tbeallthatcomplex.
“WhatifIstillwanttotellyouaboutit?”
Myurgetoantagonizehim—toattempttogetusbacktohowweweresupposedtobe—somehowpushedmetoriseonmytiptoes.Ileanedin,soonlyhecouldhearme.“I’llfigureitout.AndifIdon’t,Iswear,Iwilltrynottospendallyourmoneyonsomethingstupid,likeayachtorElvis’susedunderpants.ButImakenopromises,Blackford.”
Ileanedback,expectingtofindhimrollinghiseyesorscoffing.AnythingthatwouldindicateIhadsucceededandthiswasstillus—theAaronandLinaIwascomfortablewith.Instead,Iwaswelcomedbyblueeyesthatwerefullof…somethingthatchurnedandmademeuneasy.
Hehiditwithablink.“Okay.”Thatwastheonlyanswerhegaveme.
Nosnarkycomeback.Noscoldingcommentabouthowunfunnyandinappropriateitwouldbetospendhismoneyonaboat.NoappalledglanceaftermentioningElvis’sknickers.
Nothing,exceptokay
Okaythen.
“Allright,let’sgo,”TJsaid,encouragingAarontotakeastepawayfromme.“I’llseeyoulater,Lina.”Hewinked.
“Yeah,”ImumbledandthenshookmyheadandtriedtolooklikeIwasn’tasconfusedasIfelt.“Woothoseflocksofbidders,guys!”Icheeredwithmyfistintheair.
TJopenlylaughed,andAaronremainedlookingatmewithsomethingIhopedwasnotregretafteraskingmetodothiswholefakedatethingforhim.
Bothmenproceededtoturnandthenwalkedawaysidebyside,thesighttooenticingformenottofollowthemwithmygaze.So,Istoodthereandwatchedthem.IsawhowTJleanedintomyfakedate’ssideandsaidsomethingprobablyjustforhim.Aaron’sheadneverturned,hisstepneverceased;hisonlyreactionwasashakeofhisravenhead.Then,heshovedTJawaywithaforceIwassurewouldhavesentanybodyelseflying.
AnotheroneofTJ’scacklesresonatedintheair.
AndIfoundmyselfgrinningasIwatchedthemstrideoff.ThinkingabouthowseeingAaronaroundallthesepeoplewhobelongedtoalifeIhadn’thadtheslightestclueexisted—onethathehadkeptwellguarded,justlikehedideverythingelse—wasasoutlandishasitwasfascinating.
***
Myhandroseofitsownaccord,catchingmebysurprise.
“Fifteenhundredfortheladyinthebeautifulmidnight-bluegown,”Angela—whohadbeeninchargeofconductingtheauctionforthelasthour—calledfrombehindthemicrophonestandwitharathershockedsmile.
Mythroatdriedup,makingitimpossibleformetoswallowmyownaudacity.
IwasadespicablehumanbeingbecauseIhadjustbidadizzyingamountofmoneyonsomeone.Aman.Abachelornoless.
Onethatwasn’tAaron.
TheseeminglysweetandoldmanIhadjustbidongaveanenthusiasticcheerfromthecenterofthestage,relieftakingoverhiswrinkledface.Hebowedinmydirection.
AsmuchasIfelthorribleandguiltyandhonestlyalittleterrified,Icouldn’thelpbutsmileatthemaninreturn.
Willingmyeyestostayput—andnottojumptoAaron,whowasafewfeettotheleftofthestage,waitingforhisturntobeauctioned—Itriedtoshakeoffthedeservedsenseofguiltthathadsettledbetweenmyshoulders.
Chill.Ineededtochill.Someoneelsewouldbidhigher.Theoldmanjustneededalittlepushtogetthisgoing.
AndthatwasexactlywhatIhaddone.OrwhatIhadfoundmyselfdoingafterthefiveminutesofawkwardandheartbreakingsilencefollowingthatsweet-lookingmansteppingonthestage.Ihadrecognizedthatsmileimmediately.IthadbeenthesameplayingonTJ’slips
“Ladiesandgentlemen,sixteenhundredforPatrickJames.”Angela’svoicecamethroughthespeakers.
Nohandsroseintheair.Notevenone.
Dammit
WhoIhadassumedwasTJ’spops,Patrick,stoodonthestagewithhisgrayhair,suspenders,andbackalittlecurvedwithage,lookingcompletelyoutofplacewhencomparedwitheveryothermanwhohadbeenupforgrabs—orbids,whatever—thatnight.Hesmiled,satisfiedenoughwithjustbeingthere.Withjusthavingonebidder,whichhappenedtobeme.Andthatwasbad,bad,bad.BecauseIwasheretobidonAaron.Notforamanthat,accordingtoAngela’sintroduction,wasawidowerwhowaslookingforasecondchancenotinlove,butinlivinglife.
Jesus,I’dtakehimonadateifIhadto.Ihadn’tbeenabletostandthereanddonothingwhenamanwhoremindedmesomuchofmypassedabueloforsomedamnreason,amanIknewwasTJ’spops,waitedforsomeone,foranybody,tobidonhim.Thiswasafundraiser,forChrist’ssake.Weren’tpeoplesupposedtobedonatingtheirmoney?
ThatwaswhatIhaddone.OnlyperhapsIhadtechnicallybidwithmoneythatwasn’tmine.
Igrimaced.
Don’tlookatAaron,Lina.Don’t.
I’dpayforthedonationwithmyownfunds.Themostpressingissuewas,couldIbidfortwobachelors?
Shit.Ireallyhopedso.
Angelacontinuedpitchingthesweetmanonthestage.“Mr.Jameshasanaffinityforcandlelitdinners,andheisabelieveroffulfillinghisowndestiny.”
Patrick’sheadnodded.Nohandswerevisible.
Mierda,mierda,mierda
Icouldn’tlookatAaron.NotevenwhenIcouldfeelbothhiseyesboringholesinmyprofile.I’dbethewasfuming.ButI’dapologizelater.I’d…explain.
“Heisasailingaficionado,anactivityhepickedupeversincehisgrandsonboughthimabeautifulsailboat.Onethatheintendsonputtingtogooduseonhisdate.”
Outofthecornerofmyeye,Itrackeddownaroundfivewomenwhowereinthemoodforasailingdateplacingtheirbids.
RelieffilledmesoinstantlythatIfeltabouttenpoundslighter.
MygazesearchedforAaronthen.Anditdidn’ttakemeanytimetofindhim.Myeyesseemedtoknowexactlywherehewasstanding.
Mybreathcaughtforasecond.
Stupid,stupidtuxedo.
Ihadbeensowrappedupinwhatwashappeningthathe,lookingallimposingandstrikingontopofthatstage,caughtmecompletelyoffguard.
TheauctionforPatrickcontinuedinthebackground,myeyesmakingtheirwaytoAaron’s.Theywerenarrowed.Probablyassessingwhatthehellthathadbeen.Otherthanthat,helooked…fine.Neutrallystoic.Justlikeheusuallydid.Exceptforthedistractingtuxthathungoffhisbodylikeaglove.
FindingalittlecomfortinthefactthatAarondidn’tseemtobecompletelyfurious,Ishruggedmyshouldersandmouthed,I’msorry,okay?
Aaron’seyesnarrowedfurther,andthenhisheadshooklightly.You’renot,Iwatchedhislipsenunciate.
Ihuffed.Iam,Imouthedback.
Iwasvery,verysorry,andhe—
Heshookhisheadagain,disbeliefinhiseyes.You’renot.
AggravatedbythewordsAaronhadmouthed—twice—eventhoughhehadeveryrighttoandIhadsortofanticipatedit,Ithrewbothmyhandsupwithirritation.
Jesus,thisman—
“Nineteenhundredfortheladyinmidnightblue.”Angela’svoicereachedmyears.
Wait,what?No.
Iflinched,thendroppedmyhandstomysides,andstuckthemthere.LookingatAngelaforconfirmationofwhatIhaddone,evenifthistimeaccidentally,Ifoundherpointinginmydirection
Shit
ReturningmygazetoAaron,Iwatchedhimrollhiseyes,lipspressedintoathinline.
Grimacing,IsenthimatightsmilethatIhopedcommunicatedhowreallysorryIwasandhopedPatrickhadanotheroneofthoseboats.BecauseIneededsomebodyelsetobidontheoldwidowerman.
Angelaannouncedthenextsum,notobtaininganimmediateanswer.
Theguiltreturned,togetherwithapinchofembarrassment.WhichpushedmetopinAaronwithaseriouslookasImouthedagain,Sorry,veryslowlyandmethodically.Makingsureheunderstoodthesentimentbehindit.
Aaron’seyesheldmine,oneofthosedeadpanexpressionsinplace.
Iswear.Imademylipsformthesilentwordsinaveryexaggeratedmanner.Then,Icurledmylipsintoasadface,keepingtherestofmybodystill—justsoIwouldn’taccidentallybidonanymorebachelors.Iamreallysorry,Imouthedlikeatotalidiot.
AndIwas.Sorry,thatwas.Althoughabitofanidiottoo.
Afewheadsturnedandsentmeafairshareofweirdglances,butIdidn’tletthatdeterme,andIkeptmylipsbentdown.TellingAaronwithmyeyesthatIwassorry.Although,ifyouaskedme,itwasonhimforbringingmeofallpeopletodosomethingthatIwasclearlynotqualifiedfor.
ThesightmusthavebeentrulysomethingbecausebeforeIknewwhatwashappening,Aaron’sshouldersshookacoupleoftimes,hisstancebroke,andoneofhishandswenttothebackofhisneckashisheaddipped.Icouldn’tseehisface,soIhadnoclueofwhatwasgoingon.AllmoneywasonhimburstinginfrustrationandangerandturningintotheHulk.AndjustwhenIwasabouttoreallystartworrying,heliftedbackthatraven-hairedheadofhisandrevealedsomethingIwouldneverhavebeton.
Thebiggest,widest,andhandsomestsmilewassplittinghisexpression.Wrinklingthecornersofhiseyes.Transforminghimintoamanmyeyescouldn’ttakeinfastenough.AmanIhadneverseenbefore.Onewhowasbeginningtomakeitreally,reallyhardformetohate.
Myownfacelitupatthesight.Ifeltmycheekstensewithmyansweringgrin—onejustasbig,justaswide,justasunexpected.
AndthenAaronstartedlaughing.Hisheadtiltedback,andhisshouldersshookwithlaughter.Andhewasdoingitonastage,infrontofallthesepeopleandinfrontofme,asifhedidn’thaveacareintheworld.
NeitherdidI,apparently.Becauseinthatmoment,theonlythingIcouldfocuson,thinkof,careaboutwasAaron’sunexpectedandglorioussmileandlaughter.SomuchthatmyfingersitchedtopulloutmyphoneandsnapaphotosoIhadproofthatthishadhappened.SoIcouldrevisitthemoment—inwhichAaronBlackford,someonewhohadthepowertoirritatemewithnothingbutaword,hadfuckinglituptheplacewithasmilehehadkeptlockedupfrommeeversinceImethim—wheneverIwanted
Andhowmessedupwasthat?Orfurthermore,howmessedupwasitthatIdidn’tevencareaboutitbeingmessedupinthefirstplace?
BeforeIcouldrecoverfromit—theeffectofsomethingasmundaneasasmile,butthatwassorareinthemanmyeyescouldn’tstoplookingat—hewasstridingtowardthecenterofthestage
Angela’svoiceleftthespeakers.“Lovely.I’msurePatrickandhisluckybidder,theladywiththebluefan,willenjoywhateverhehasprepared.”
Toocaughtupinmyfakedatewhoknewhowtoreallysmile,Ihadn’tnoticedsomeonebiddingforPatrick.
“Andlastbutnotleast,wehaveAaronBlackford.Ladies,gentlemen,let’sstartatfifteenhundredandremember—”Angela’seyeswidened,andthenshechuckled.“Oh,IguessIdon’tneedtoremindyoutopleaseplaceyourbidsonourlastbachelortonightifyouwanttocontributetothecause.”
Lookingaround,Ifoundthereasonwhy.Morethantendifferentpeoplehadtheirarmsalreadyintheair.
“Iloveseeingyourinvolvement,”Angelacontinuedwithaknowingsmirk.“Fifteenhundredfortheladyinred.”
Turning,Ilocatedthisinvolvedwiththecauseladyinred.Shewasinthefirstrowofpeople,andshelookedabouttwentyyearsolderthanme,giveortake.AndwhileIdidn’twanttobejudgmentalorsuperficial,onlybylookingather,Icouldimaginehowgenerousherdonationwouldbe.
Mygazeshotbacktothestage,clashingagainstAaron’s.Thatgrinhadbeenwipedoff,hisfeaturesnowhardandempty.IfeltapangofdisappointmentIhadnotimetoinspect.
Ihadonejobtonight,andIwasfailingatit.Forthesecondtime.
Readyingmyself,Ireleasedabreath.Icouldn’tletmyselfbedistractedbysomethingaswonderfullyshockingyetpointlessasAaron’sabilitytosmileorlaugh.
“Seventeenhundred?”Angelaannounced,andIgesturedwithmyhandtoplacemybid.Toolate.“Fortheladyinred.”
LadyinRedhadbeatenme—andaroundanotherfiveorsixhands—toitagain.
AquicklookatAaron’stenseshoulderstoldmehefeltasunhappyaboutitasIwas.
Isquaredbackmyshoulders,focusingonAngelaandhernextwords.
“Wonderful,”shesaidintothemicrophone.“Let’sraisethisup,ladiesandgentlemen.Mr.Blackfordisafterallinhighdemand.Howaboutnineteenhun—”
Myhandshotupintheair,keepinganeyeonLadyinRed,whosebidhadbeenfasterthanmine.Again
AngelachuckledandpointedatLadyinRedagain,acknowledgingherbid.
Tomyshockandsurprise,LadyinRedturnedinmydirectionwithasmugsmileonherface.
Myeyesnarrowed.Oh,hellno.Thiswasn’taboutcharity.Thishadjustgottenpersonal.
Angelaannouncedthenextamount,andIlaunchedmyhandintheairwithimpressivespeed,somuchthatIalmostpulledamuscle,butAngela’snextwordsmadeupforpossibleinjuries.
“Forthelovelyladyinmidnightblue.”Angelasmiledfrombehindthestand.
Ireturnedit,feelingaweirdburninthepitofmystomach,matchingtheoneonmyshoulder.
Nextbidwascalled,anditwasmineagain.
Ha!Suckthat,LadyinRed.
Asifshehadheardme,herheadwhirledaround.Hereyesnarrowedtoverythinslits,andherlipspursed.Thewomanwhippedherblondehairbackanddismissedme.
IknewinthatmomentthatIhadbeenrighttoassumethiswaspersonal.ThisladywasafterAaron.AndIwasn’tgoingtolethergetmyAaron—
Notmine,Icorrectedmyself.JustAaron
Iwasn’tgoingtolethergetAaron.
Thecallforthenextbidcame,andbeforeAngela’swordswereout,itwasalreadymine.LadyinRedsentmealookthatcouldhavefrozenthesunonaheatedNewYorksummerday,andIwastemptedtostickmytongueout,butafterremindingmyselfthatwouldbeaboutahundredwaysofinappropriate,Ilimitedmyselftosmirking.
LadyinRedandIbattledforaboutfiveorsixmorerounds.Eachofthembecomingbrisker,ourarmsflashingupfaster,thelookswesenteachothergrowingicier.Mybreathquickened,andtheskinofmyfacefeltlikeIhadjustsprintedacrossCentralParklikeIwaschasingthefreakingicecreamtruck.Butsofar,itwasworthitbecauseAaronremainedmine.
NotmineJust…whatever.
IhadbeensoabsorbedbythisduelwehadgoingonthatIhadalmostforgottenaboutthemanonthestage.Ihadbarelycheckedonhimsincethebiddingbloodshedstarted.
JustasIwasabouttoturnmyattentiontoAaron,myhandroseintheaironemoretime—ashighastheridiculousamountofmoneywehadreached—andthistime,itdidalone.
Angelawavedinmydirection.“Goingoncefortheladyinmidnightblue,”shecalled.
Myheartthumpedagainstmychestharder.Icaughtaglimpseofagray-hairedmanbesideatight-lippedLadyinRed,whostoodwithherarmscrossedinfrontofherchest.
“Goingtwice,”AngelacontinuedasIwatchedthemanwhispersomethinginLadyinRed’sear,towhichshejustsighedandnodded.Reluctantly.
Comeon,comeon,comeon.Aaronisalmostmine
“Andsoldtotheverylovelyandverypassionateladyinthemidnight-bluegown.”Angelaclosedthebiddingwithawink.
IfeltthecelebratoryhollerclimbingtomythroatasmyheadfinallyturnedinAaron’sdirection.Iwantedtodoalittlevictorydance.Tothrowmyhandsintheairtoo.Ialsofelttheurgetoshoutacoupleofinappropriatewords,which,inhindsight,IwouldhaverealizedwasextremelystupidandIwouldhaveimmediatelyregrettedit.
ButasAaroncameintoview,thatwhirlingemotionthathadbeentooloudamomentago,fellsilentonitsown.Hewasn’tevensmiling.Hesimply…lookedatme.
ThedisappointmentatnotfindingthatgrinIhadgottenaglimpseofearlierreturned,andIwonderedifitwouldbethiswayfromtodayon.MesearchingforAaron’ssmileandhimkeepingitlockedawayagain.
Iswallowedthatup,shovingthosestupidthoughtsoutofmyhead.
Mylipstuggedupregardlessofallthat,andIgaveahalfheartedcheer.TowhichAaronsimplynodded,lookinglikehedidwhenhehadsomethinginhismind.Somethingthatbotheredhim.
Frowning,IwatchedAaron’slonglegsclimbdownthestageandwalktomyside,allthewhileignoringhowthewayhewasn’tevencelebratingwithmemademefeel.Instead,IfocusedonkeepingwhatIhopedlookedlikeagenuinesmileinplace.
Theblue-eyedmanIhadjustboughtforadatethatwouldneverhappenstoppedinfrontofme.Hedippedhishead,hischinalmosttouchinghiscollarbone.Iwaited,buthedidn’tsayanything.
Ireachedforsomethingtosayandcameupempty-handed,returningthesilence.
ThatawarenessIhadbeenfamiliarizingmyselfwithfartoorapidlyformyowngoodandcomfortcamerushingback,raisingtheshorthairsonmyarms.Ithitmethenhowweird,howstrange,andhowshockinginmanydifferentwaysitwasthatwe’dfoundeachotherinthissituation.Howtonightdidn’tevenseemreal.
ShiftingonmyfeetundertheweightofAaron’sgaze,Iswallowed.Onemoretime,Iwasn’tcapableoftakinginthisheavysilencethatsettledbetweenus.“Ihopeyoucomewithaboat,Blackford,”Ifinallysaid,myvoicesoundingalittleoff.“Otherwise,ImightregretnotstickingwithPatrick.”
Aaron’seyesdidn’twaver.Theyheldmine.Andjustastheydid,Iwatchedhowtheywarmedupforjustaheartbeat.TheskinaroundthemwrinklingonlyslightlywiththesmileInowknewherefusedtogiveme.
Ifeltsomethingshiftinmychest.SomethingverysubtleandsmallthatIalmostmissed,butitdidn’thelpthepaceofmybreath—stillallovertheplacefromtheauction—toreturntonormal.
Hetookonestepcloser.“Sometimes,I’mconvincedyouenjoymakingmesuffer.”Hisusuallydeepvoicesoundedhushed.Givingtohiswordsanafterthoughtquality.
“Oh.”Ifrowned.Mymouthopened,butIstillstruggledforafewmoremoments.“Okay,youhaveeveryrighttobepissed,butinallfairness,weareevenbecauseyoushouldhavewarnedmeitwouldgetthatintense.”Ilaughedawkwardly.“IfIhadknown,Iwouldhaveaddedaninjastarortwotomyoutfit.TheywouldhavedefinitelycomeinhandywithLadyinRed.”
Aarontoweredovermyshortheight,quietandstillgazingatmeinthatwaythatmademeshiftonmyfeetagain.
Silencesettledbetweenusoncemore,bringingtomyattentionthatwewerenolongersurroundedbythecrowdthathadgatheredinfrontofthestage.Instead,themurmurofvoicesaccompaniedwithamellowtunecameallthewayfromtheothersideoftherooftop.
Aaronbrokethesilence,saying,“Dancewithme.”ChapterNine
Heofferedhishand,lettingithanginthesmallspacebetweenourbodies.
Dance?
Gapingathishand,Ihesitated.NotreallysurewhetherIhadareasontodoubthisofferorifitwasjustthewayIautomaticallyreactedtoAaron.
“Isthispartofthedeal?”Iheardmyselfask.
Aaronfrowned.
“Usdancing,Imean.Justforshow,right?”Iexplained.
Iwasn’tblind—orstupid—andIwasprettysurethatdancingwasn’tsomethingweneededtodo.Butabigpartofmewaseffectivelyconfused,andIwasgrowingmoresobythemoment.So,bysayingthatoutloud,IwassimplythrowingmyselfalifelineIcouldgrabontountilIcouldclearupthemessinmyhead.
“Right,”Aaronanswered,thatfrowndisappearingandhishandstillwaitingformydecision.“Justforshow.”
Iacceptedhisoffer,lettinghislargepalmwraparoundmine,unsureofhowgoodofanideaitwas.
Aaronpulledmegentlybehindhim,andmylegsshookwithaweirdmixofanticipationandunease.Hishandwaswarmandfirmagainstmine,makingmefeelgoodandtinglyeventhoughIcouldtellitweighteddownthatlifelineIwastryingtoholdontowithteethandnails.
Iwasstillunsureofhowgoodofanideathiswaswhenhesoftlydraggedmewhereasmallgroupofpeoplehadgatheredtodance.
Butitwaswhenhestoppedwalking,turned,andsteppedclose—soveryclose—thatmymindfinallyflaggedthisasabadidea.SomuchthatapartofmestarteddebatingwhetherIshouldrunawayorpretendIfaintedrightthereandthensoIdidn’thavetofacewhatwewereabouttodo.
Dancing.
Together.
AsinAaronBlackford—themanIhadbeenantagonizingforsolong—andme.
OhsweetbabyJesus.
Aarondrapedhisarmsaroundmywaist,andIfeltashockofelectricityspreadingacrossmybodyfromthepointswherehishandsrestedonmyback.Mybreathcaught,andsomethingheavyandsoliddroppedtothebottomofmystomach.
Swallowinghard,Itiltedmyheadback.IthoughtIsawdareandwarinessinhisgaze.Allatonce.Andthatsentanunsolicitedspurofanticipationthroughme.
IplacedmyhandsonAaron’schest—noticinghowhardandtoneditfeltundermyfingers—butunlikeearliertonight,whenIhadaccidentallytouchedhim,thistime,Iletmyhandsrestthere.Onlythendidhebringmetohim.Mysmallframeimmediatelycradledinhismuchlargerone.
Aheartbeatlater,weweremoving,almosteverypartofourbodiesfromourchestsdownpressedtogether.Aaron’smotionsweresure,directing,whileminewerestiffandincompliant.
Releasingabreaththroughmynose,Itriedtorelaxmylimbs.Tofocusonthemechanicsofdancing.Tocalmthatred-hotawarenessraginginsideofme.Buttheknowledgeofhowcloseourbodieswerewasblowingupalarmsinsidemyheadandmakingitimpossibleformetothinkaboutmuchelsebesidesthat.
Dancing.Weweredancing.Bodiesflushed.Andthatwassomethingweweren’tsupposedtobedoing.AsituationinwhichAaronandLina,whobarelytoleratedeachother,shouldn’tbefindingthemselvesinbecausethiswasn’tsomethingthatpeoplewhocouldn’tstandeachotherdid.
Aaronspunmeinacirclewithaswiftmotionandpressedmeagainsthimonemoretime,makingmyheartquickeninawayithadnobusinessdoing.
Themusicwasslow,perfectforswayingandforgettingabouteverythingoutsidethesmoothrhythm.Idealforgettinglostinthepeacethatbeinginsomeoneelse’sarmscouldbring.Butthemoreweswayed,thefurtherIwasfromfeelinganythingthatresembledpeace.NotwhenAaronwasso…bigandhardandwarmagainstme.
ThatwasprobablywhyItripped.BeforeIknewwhatwashappening,myfeethadmessedupthebeatandtangledtogether,andtheywouldhaveprobablysentmestraighttothefloorifnotfortheman—thepairofstrongarmswrappedsolidlyaroundme—whoheldmeinplace
“Thankyou,”Imuttered,feelingmyfaceheatupandmybodytenseupfurther.“Andsorry.”
God.Ihadneverblushedsomuchinonesinglenight.Ididn’trecognizemyself.
Aaron’sarmstightenedaroundme.“Justforprecaution,”hesaid,bringingmeevencloser.
Eachandeverynerveendinginmybodyturnedintotheendofalivewire.Myskintingled,myheartraced,andmymindwhirled.
“Oh.Okay.”Thewordsreachedmyears,strangled,asifithadcomeoutofmeinagurgle.“Thanks.”
Theskinonmyfaceheatedupfurther.
Aaronhummed,justashisthumbbrushedmybackverylightly,drawingonesinglecirclethatleftatinytrailofgoosebumpsbehind.Goosebumpsthattraveledtoallcornersandnooksofmybody.
AsmuchasItoldmyselfthatthiswasasimplephysicalreactiontobeingheldagainstamalebody,beingheldbyaman’sarms,itwasAaron’smalebodyandAaron’sarmsafterall.So,eitherIhadbeenalonefortoolongorIwaslosingmymind.Becausethisfelt…good.Reallygood.
Toodamnmuch.
Thoseocean-blueeyesshiftedtomylipsbriefly.SoquicklythatIwasconvincedIhadimaginedit.Itdidn’tmatterthoughbecausethenhisfacedipped,gettingascloseasithadeverbeenandmakingmeforgetallaboutthat.MakingmenoticeinsteaddetailsthatIhadneverpaidattentiontobefore.Likehowfullthoselipswere,whichIsawpressedinalinesooften.Orhowhiseyelasheswerelonganddarkandframedtheblueinhiseyessoperfectly.OrhowIcouldseethelinesofthesoftcreasesadorninghisforehead,rightabovethespotwherethatfrownthatwasalmostafixedfeaturerested.
Iwassolostinallthatthatoneofmyfeettrippedagain,butAaron’sarmstightenedtheirgriparoundmywaistasheshiftedhisheadtooneofmysides.
“Aren’tyousupposedtobegoodatthis,Catalina?”heaskedafewinchesfrommyear.Ifelttheairleavinghismouthonmytemple.
Tryingnottopayanyextraattentiontohowclosehismouthwasfrommyface,Ifocusedonmyfeetandansweredalmostabsently,“Whatdoyoumean?”
Aaron’sdiligentandsmoothmotionsspunusonemoretimetothesofttune
“Ithoughtyouweresupposedtocarrythebeatinyourblood,”heexplainedinalowvoice,hisheadnotgivingupaninchofspace.“Orwasitthemusicinyourveins?”
Ihopedmyearswerenotredwithembarrassment.“Thisisnotmystyle,”Ilied.I’dneverdoneaworsejobatdancing,andithadnothingtodowiththemusicandeverythingtodowiththemanIwascurrentlyflushagainst.“Ormaybeit’smypartnerthat’snotthebestfit.”
Aaronchuckled.Itwaslowandshort-lived,butitremindedmeofthewayhehadlaughedearlier,leavingmealittleoutofbreath.
Andso,Iinhaledthroughmynose,tryingtorestoremybreathingandimmediatelyregrettingit.Becausewhatanawfulideathathadbeen.Theworstidea.AllIhadaccomplishedwasfillingmylungswithAaron’sscent.
Aaron’sveryniceandveryheadyandvery,verymasculinescent.
CouldIunsmellit,please,universe?Please.
“Wasthatyouadmittingsomethingyouarenotgoodat?”Aaronasked,pullingmeoutofmyhead.“Tome?”
“Ineverclaimedtobeaspectaculardancer.”Notwhenmypartnerwassomeonewhocertainlysucceededindistractingmesodamnmuch.“Plus,allthatrhythminyourbloodstuffisnothingmorethanastereotype.TherearemorethanafewhundredSpaniardswhocan’tfollowabeattosavetheirlives.”
“Ibetthereare.I’llkeepleadingthen.”Hisvoicewaslow,alittleclosertomyearthanbefore.“Butjustincaseyoubelongtothosefewhundreds.”
“Ifyoumust,”Imutteredbecausewhatwasthepointofdenyingsomethingthatwassoobvious?Iwasdoingapoorjobatit.“Ididn’tknowyoudanced.”
JustwhenIthoughtitwasphysicallyimpossibleforAaron’sbodytofoldaroundmineanymore,forourbodiestocomeanycloser,hedippedhisheadfurther.Impossiblylow.Hislipshovereddirectlyabovetheshellofmyear.“Thereareafewthingsyoudon’tknowaboutme,Catalina.”
Mybodywentevenmorerigidinresponse.Afluttertakingflightinmystomach.
IforcedmyselftorememberthatIwasheretopretendIwashisdate—ofsorts.ThatIhadputonalittleshowatfightingthatwomanoverhimattheauction.So,fakeornot,toeverybodyelse,Iwassupposedtobesomeonewhowouldwelcomethiskindofclosenessandnotsomeonewhowouldjumpback,startled.
So,Isettledmyhandsonhishardchestwithalittlemoredecision.Unfortunately,thegestureonlymanagedtoturnthatflutterinmystomachtoafull-onflappingandwavingandwhirlingriot.
“What’sonyourmind?”Aaronasked,soundinggenuinelycurious.
Beingcaughtoffguardbythequestion—andtheinterest—Iblurtedthefirstthingthatcametomind,“Yousaidthishadnothingtodowithawoman.”Ishiftedmypalmsacrosshischest.“Butitlookedtomelikeithadeverythingtodowithone.”
“I’veneverseenMrs.Archibaldsoriledup,”headmitted.
Iadjustedmyhandsonhischestagain,tryingnottogetlostinhowwarmhisskinfelt,evenbeneathallthelayersoffabric.“So,youarefamiliarwiththisMrs.Archibald,huh?”Ifelthisheadnodonce,hisjawbrushingmytemple.“Letmeguess.Tonightwasnotherfirsttimegettingintoalittlecharitablequarreloveryou.”
“Itwasn’t.”
“AaronBlackford,thecougarmagnet.”Ilaughedlightly,thesoundcomingoutalittleshaky.
Asoftpuffofairhitmyear,rousingawaveofshivers.“Itwasn’tonlyMrs.Archibaldenthusiasticallybidding,ifmemoryservesmewell.”
“Smug,”Imuttered.
ButAaronwasright.Therehadbeenmanyotherpeople—younger,attractive—interestedinhim.
“Isthiswhyyouaskedmetobehere?”Aarondidn’timmediatelyanswer,soIcontinued,“Iguessitallmakessense.WhatAngelasaidearlierandTJkindofconfirmed.”
“Andwhat’sthat?”
“ThatAaronBlackfordisscaredofabunchofoverlymotivatedwealthyladieswhowanttobuyhiscompany.”
Hispalmsshiftedonmyback,spinningusintothechangingrhythmofanewsong.“Areyouteasingme?”hesaidrightintomyear.
Iwas.ButIwouldneveradmittosuchathingoutloud.Ifeltmyselfrelaxjustthesplinterofahairinhisarms.“Doesithappenoften?”
“Whatexactly,Catalina?”heaskedveryslowly.“Almostbeingexchangedforamanwithaboatorhavingaquestionabledancingpartner?”
“Neither.”Feelingthesmiletuggingatmylips,Iwenton,“Womenflauntingthemselvesatyou.Isawhowtenseyouwereonthestage.Youlookedreadytojumpoutandgetoutofthere.”Ithoughtaboutthatforasecond.Himbringingmehere…itkindofmadesensenow.“Doesthatkindofattentionmakeyouuncomfortable?”
“Notalways.”Ifeltthebrushofhisjawagainstmycheek,thesimpleandlightgesturecausinganelectrifyingwaveofsensationtotraildownmyneck.“I’mnotscaredofawoman’sinterestinme,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking.Idon’tsendthemallaway.”
“Oh,okay.”Myvoicecameoutbreathyandunsure.
Ofcoursehedidn’t.Iwassurehehadneeds.AndthoseneedsweresomethingIwasn’twillingtothinkaboutwithhisarmsaroundme.
Aaron’srighthandshiftedonmyback,trailingdownaninchortwo.Meanwhile,theskinofmyface—no,mywholefreakingbody—burned.
Hisarmstightenedaroundmeonemoretime.
“Thankyou,”hesaid.
AndIfeltthosetwowordslikesoftpuffsofairagainstmyhair.
“Whatfor?”Myvoicewasbarelyawhisper.
“Fornotsteppingonmyfoot.”Iopenedmymouthtoapologize,buthecontinued,“ButalsofornotbeingdeterredbyMrs.Archibald.Lastyear,thingsgotalittle…uncomfortablewhenshefoundoutourdateconsistedofcleaningdogkennelsandspendingacoupleofhourswalkingandplayingwiththem.”Ifelthissighontheskinonthesideofmyneck.“Notthatitdissuadedherthisyear.”
Somethingthatfeltalotlikeprotectivenessflickeredinmychest.
Ishookmyheadlightly,tryingtomakesenseofmyself.Allthisdancingandspinningwasclearlymessingwithme.“Well,asmuchasIamsorryforyourwallet,consideringtheamountthedonationreached,IamhappyIgottoseethatsulkyfacewhenIbeather,”Iadmitted,shockingmyselfathowpleasedIhadreallybeen.“I’malsosorryforthosedoggiesandwhattheyhadtoendurelastyearwiththatwoman.Whatkindofhypocritedonatesmoneyforacharitythatfocusesonanimalsheltersanddoesn’tlikedogs?Thosepoorguys.I’dadoptthemallifIdidn’tliveinatinystudioapartment.Hell,I’dhappilyvolunteertospendsometimewiththemanyday.”
“Icantakeyou,ifthat’swhatyouwant.”Aaron’swordshungintheair.Apartofmewantedtosayyes.Yestothechanceofseeinganewsideofhim.Perhapsanothersmiletoo.“Youjustboughtadateanyway.”
“Withyourmoney.”
“Regardless,”hecountered.“It’spartofthepackagedeal.”
Thatpangofunprecedentedhurthitmeagain,remindingmeofwhatthiswasPartofthedeal.ThatwasAaron,amanofhisword.
Aaron’sheadrearedback,revealinghisface.Hisgazewassearching.
“I…”Ihesitated,feelingstupidforconsideringforjustaninstantthatmaybehe’dofferedbecausehegenuinelywantedtotakemethere.“Ijust…”
Shit
Everythingthathadhappenedtonightwasspinninginmyhead.Aaroninatux.Allthese…newanddifferentwaysIwasfeelingaroundhim.Theauction.Hissmile.Hislaughter.Dancing.Mybodyagainsthis,flushedtogether.AllofthatandthenthefactthatwewouldbegoingtoSpaininamatterofafewweeks.
Everythingtangledtogetherinknotsthatmessedwithmyhead.
Aaronkeptlookingatme,astrangeemotionbehindhisblueeyes.Hewasprobablywaitingformetosaysomethingthatwasn’tmumbledwords.
“Wouldthat…”Ishookmyhead.“Iwouldn’twanttogetyouintrouble,”Ifinallymanagedtosay.“Iguessthatsomeonecouldcheckiftheauctioncontractwasfulfilled?”Ididn’tknowifthiscontractexisted.Didn’tevenknowifanybodywouldevencheckanything.“ThelastthingI’dwantistohamperthegoodthatthefundraiserhasachievedtonight.”Ikeptgoing,Aaron’sfeaturesunchanging,“Nobodyneedstoknowthatthedateisfakeanyway.Right?”
HekeptlookingatmeinthatsearchingwayIdidn’tunderstand.“No.Nobodyneedstoknow.”
“Orthatwearegoingasfriends,right?”Thathadnotsoundedright.Wereweevenfriends?
“Isthatwhatyouwanttobe,Catalina?”Aaronshotbackcalmly.“Friends?”
“Yes,”Ianswered.ButdidI?Wehadneverbeen,andthathadneverhadanythingtodowithme.Thathadn’tbeenonme.“No,”Irectified,rememberingthatonebigobstaclethathadstoodbetweenussincethebeginning.OnethatAaronhadputthere,notme.Ithadbeenhim,theonewhoneverlikedme,nottheotherwayaround.Itwasn’tfairofhimtoaskmenow.“Idon’tknow,Aaron.”Mypalmsfeltclammyandmythroatdry,andIwas…confused.“Whatkindofquestionisthat?”
Aaronseemedtopondermywords.“Yesorno?”hepressed.
Mymouthopenedandclosed.Wehadstoppeddancingatsomepoint.Mypalms,whichhadbeenonAaron’schest,droppeddown.Aaron’sgazefollowedthemotion.Somethinglockedtightlybehindthatunreadablemaskthatwashisexpression.
“ForgetIsaidanything,”hesaid,hisarms,whichhadbeenstillaroundme,fallingdown.“Thiswasabadidea.”
Thatmademephysicallyflinch,andIdidn’treallyunderstandwhyIhaddonethatorwhathe’dmeantbythis
Bothofusstoodinfrontofeachother,unmoving.AndasmuchasAaronhadbeendistantanddismissiveinthepast,hehadneverlookedthis…aloof.AlmostasifIhadsaidsomethingthathurthim.
Theurgetoreachoutandplacemyhandonhischestresurfacedagain.AndIcouldn’t,forthelifeofme,begintofathomwhy.Notwhenasmallvoiceinmyhead—whichIassumedwascommonsense—wastellingmethatIshouldbeglad,thatthiswasusgettingbackontracktowhereweshouldstand.
ButIwasn’tanygoodatlisteningtosensethesedays.So,whenmyarmlifted—becauseIwaslikethatandIcouldn’thelpbutcomfortthosearoundmewithhugsortouchesorwhatevertheyneeded—andAaronsteppedback,awayfromme,itactuallystung.SomuchthatIhadtoscoldmyselfforbeingthatstupid.
“See?”Isaidundermybreath.“ThisiswhyIdon’tknowifwecanbefriends.Whywehaveneverbeen.”
Tonighthadbeenafluke,andthiswasthereason.Everythingalwaysescalatedoutofcontrolwhenitcametous
“Youareright.”Hisvoicewasunspeakablyflat.“Beingyourfriendhasalwaysbeenthelastthingonmymind.”
Hiswords,togetherwithmine,feltlikehailfallingunrelentinglyonme.Onus,aswestoodthereinfrontofeachother.Pokingholesinthelittlebubblewehadbeeninforthepastfewhours.Theonewehadbeeninwhilewedanced.Rightbeforethetrucethathadbeensilentlyestablishedblewupinourfaces.
JustlikeIshouldhaveexpected.
Iblinkedathim,notknowingwhattosay.
“Ifyou’llexcuseme,”hesaid,“I’llbebackinafewminutesandtakeyouhome.”
HeturnedaroundandleftmerightwhereIwas.
Rootedtotheplace.
StandingonlegsthatIdidn’ttrustwithoutthesupportofhisarms.Myheartbeatingruthlesslyagainstmychest.FeelingthecoldseepthroughmybloodinhissuddenabsenceandmyheadquestioningeverythingthathadhappenedtonightregardlessofhowmuchIremindedmyselfthatitmeantnothing.
Nothingatall.
Wehadneverbeenfriends.
WewerebacktobeingthesameAaronandLinawehadalwaysbeen,andthatwassomethingthatwouldneverchange.ChapterTen
WhenIenteredInTechheadquartersthefollowingMonday,IwasfeelinglikeIhadswallowedaballofleadwithmycoffeethatmorning.AndwitheverystepItookinmyoffice’sdirection,thesensationkeptintensifying,asiftheballwereexpandingandtakingmoreandmoreroominmystomach.
Ihadn’tbeenthis…uneasyeversincethatawfulcallacoupleofweeksagowhenIhadheardthatDanielwasengaged.Theonephonecallwheretheliehadcometobe.
Butthiswasdifferent,wasn’tit?
ThisheavinessinthebottomofmystomachhadnothingtodowithsomethingIhadblurtedoutinamomentofdesperationandstupidity.
Althoughmaybeitdid.
BecauseasmuchasacknowledgingthatthewayIfelthadanythingtodowithhowAaronandIhadleftthingsonSaturdaywasthelastthingIwantedtodo,Ihad.AndasmuchasIrefusedtowasteasecondofmytimeworryingoverit,Ihad.
WhichwasabsolutelyridiculousbecausewhywouldIwantlastSaturday—orhim—totakeanyspaceinmyhead?Ihadnoreasonto.Notconsciouslyatleast.Weweren’tfriends.Wedidn’toweanythingtoeachother.Andwhateverhehadsaid—ordone,orlookedlike,orsmelledlike,orthewayhehadsmiledorheldmeaswedancedorevenwhateverhehadwhisperedinmydamnear—shouldhavebouncedrightoffme.
Butapparently,mymindhadotherideas.
“Beingyourfriendhasalwaysbeenthelastthingonmymind.”
Thosehadbeenhiswords.Hecouldn’thavesaiditanyclearer.
Finebyme.Ihadneverwantedtobehisfriendeither.ExceptmaybeforacoupleofdayswhenhehadfirststartedatInTech.
Butthatshiphadsailedlongago.Ihadblacklistedhimforareason,andthatwaswhereheshouldhavestayed.Inmyblacklist.
Theonlyteeny-tinyproblemwasthatIsortofneededhim.AndI…God.I’ddealwiththatlater.
ShakingoffallofAaron’sdramaandburyingdeepthatkernelofuneasinesssoitdidnotgrowintosomethingelse,Iplacedmybagonmychair,grabbedmyplanner,andmademywaytotheroomwhereourmonthlyBreakfast&Broadcastwasheld.Jeff,ourbossandheadoftheSolutionsDivisionofthecompany,andallfiveteamsthathecoordinatedattended.Andno,wedidn’thavebreakfastandwatchthenews.Unfortunately.Itwasjustameetingthattookplaceonceamonth,wherebadcoffeeandareallysadexcuseforcookieswereprovidedandwhereJeffupdatedourdivisiononthelatestnewsandannouncements.
Beingoneofthefirstintheroom,Itookmyusualplace,openedmyplanner,andwentthroughafewremindersIhadnoteddownfortheweekwhiletheroomfilledoutwithpeople.
Feelingasoftbrushofahandonmyarmandthelightscentofpeaches,Iturned,alreadyknowingwhoI’dfindsmilingdownatme.
“Hey,Jim’sorGreenie’sforlunch?”Rosieaskedinahushedvoice.
“I’dsellmysoulforabagelfromJim’s,butIshouldn’t.”Todaywasdefinitelynotasaladday;mymoodwouldplummetdownevenmore,buttheweddingwasrightaroundthecorner.“So,Greenie’s.”
“Areyousure?”Rosie’sgazeslidtothecookiesdisplayedonthenarrowtableplacedattheentranceoftheroom.“God,thoselookworsethanusual.”
Ichuckled,andbeforeIcouldanswer,mystomachgrumbled.“Kindaregrettingnothavingbreakfast,”Imurmured,lookingatmyfriendwithagrimace.
“Lina.”Rosiefrowned,hervoiceholdingawarningedge.“That’snotyou,sweetie.Thatdietyouhavebeenon,it’sjuststupid.”
“It’snotadiet.”Irolledmyeyes,ignoringthevoiceinmyheadthatwasagreeingwithmyfriend.“I’mjustwatchingwhatIeat.”
Shecutmealookthattoldmeshedidn’tbelieveme.“WearegoingtoJim’s.”
“Trustme,aftertheweekendIhad,I’dletyoutakemethere,andI’draidtheplace,butit’sgonnabeano.”
Myfriendsearchedmyface,probablyfindingsomethingintherebecauseaneyebrowarched.“Whatdidyoudo?”
Ileanedbackonmychair,alittlehuffleavingmylips.“Ididnot—”Istoppedmyself.Ihaddoneplenty.“I’lltellyoulater,okay?”
Hereyesfilledwithconcern.“AtJim’s.”Withonelastnod,RosieshiftedpastmeandwalkedtothechairnexttoHéctor,herteamleader.
WhenIcaughttheeyeoftheoldman,Iwavedathimwithasmallsmile,receivingawinkfromhim.
Andthen—catchingmecompletelyoffguard,evenwhenitshouldn’thave—myAaronradarwentoff.Warningmeofhispresence.
Myheartlurchedinmychest,andmygazehuntedhimdown.
Heisnotthatgood-looking.He’sjusttall,ItoldmyselfasItookhimin.
Somethinginmyribcagespedup.
Itwasthetuxedobecausemybodyissurelynotreactingtothatbutton-downshirtandthosepressedslacks,IthoughtasmyeyesfollowedhislongstridestothechairIknewhe’dtakeacoupleofrowsinfrontofmeandtomyleft.
Yeah,hisfaceiscertainlynothingtowritehomeabout,IremindedmyselfasIstudiedhishardandmasculineprofile,fromhisjawtothedarklineofthickhairframinghisforehead.
See?I’vegotthisundercontrol.Mybodyisbacktonormal.Ididn’tneedthecomfortofacreamcheeseandsalmonbagel.
ButthenAaronlookedback.Hiseyesmetmineacrosstheroom.FindingmelookingathiminawayIpresumedwasalittletoointenseforsomeonewhohadswornwouldn’tpayhimanyattentiononlyafewminutesago.
Ifeltmycheeksflushadeepshadeofred,andI’dbetIlookedlikemywholefacewasonfire.
Andyet,theonewhoavertedhisgazefirstwasn’tme.Itwashim.Aaron’seyesfelldownandstayedsomewhereahead.Somewherethatwasn’tme.
Somethingaboutthatdidnotsitwellwithme.Somethingaboutthefactthathehadjustdismissedmesoquicklybotheredmemorethanever.
ButbeforeIcoulddelvetoomuchintothat,Jeff’svoicepulledmerightback.“Goodmorning,everyone,”hesaid,andthelowmutteringintheroomturnedintosilence.“ThisBreakfast&Broadcastsessionwillbefairlyshort.IneedtoruntoanimpromptumeetingIwascalledtoinaboutthirtyminutes,sodon’tgettoocomfortable,andhaveyourfillofcookiesbeforeit’sover.”Ourbosslaughedlightly.
Nobodybotheredtomove.Obviously.
“Asyouknow,weareundergoingsomeimportantchangesinthestructureofInTech.Arearrangementoftheresponsibilitieswilltakeplace—amongafewotherthings,ofcourse.Everythingwillhavearepercussiononthestructureofthecompanyasweknowittoday.Butthisisnotareasontoworry.Mostofthechangeswillbeintegratedgraduallyandthroughouttheupcomingmonths.”
Thescreenthathungfromoneoftheconferenceroomwallsshowedanorganizationalchartofourdivisionwithourboss’snamehighlightedontop—JeffFoster—andthenamesofthefiveteamleadersrightunderhis—AaronBlackford,GeraldSimmons,HéctorDíaz,KabirPokrehl,andme,CatalinaMartín
Therehadbeenrumors—nothingmorethancorridorwhispers—thatsomethingbigwasabouttohappeninthecompany.Somethingthatwouldshakethingsup.Butnoonereallyknewwhatwasabouttocome.
“Havingsaidthat,”ourbosscontinuedafterclearinghisthroat,“thereisanannouncementI’dliketomakenow,beforeanyofitisofficiallyreleasedinacorporatestatement.”
Theman—whomyfriendandcolleagueRosiehadreferredtoasasilverfoxonetimewhenshewasalittletipsy—whowasallgrayhairandnaturalcharm,seemedtohesitateforamoment.Hishandflewtothecollarofhisshirt,tuggingatitlightly.
Jeffpressedakeyonhislaptop,andanewslidewasdisplayedonthescreen.Onewithadiagramthatwasverysimilartotheonepresentedpreviously.Almostaduplicate,itwasessentiallytheexactsame,exceptforonesingledetail.
ThenamefillingthebluesquareabovethefiveteamleadersintheTechDivisionwasnolongerJeff’s.
ThatballofleadIhadbeenfeelingsinceearlythatmorningfelltomyfeet.
Ourbossclaspedhishandstogether,mygazebouncingbetweenhimandthescreen.“IampleasedtoannouncethatAaronBlackfordwillbepromotedtoheadoftheSolutionsDivisionofInTech.”Jeff’swordsenteredmyears,travelingallthewaytomyhead,wheretheyseemedtobouncefromonewalltothenext,unabletobeprocessedbymybrain.“AaronhasbeenoneofthemostconsistentandefficientmembersIhaveeverhadthepleasuretooversee,andhehasprovenhimselfworthyforthispromotiontimeandtimeagain.So,Ihavenodoubtinmymindthathewilldoanamazingjobasheadofthedivision.”
Everybodyhadbeenshockedintosilence.Justlikeme.
“Ithasn’tbeendecidedwhenhe’lltakeoverallmyresponsibilitieswhileIundertakeamoreadvisoryroleforInTech,butIwantedtogiveyou—theSolutionsfamily—thenewsfirst.Evenifithasn’tbeenofficiallyannouncedyet.”
Jeffcontinuedtalkingthen,probablygoingthroughwhateverwasintheagendaoftheBreakfast&Broadcastnext.Ormaybenot—Ididn’tknow.Iwasn’tlistening.Icouldn’twhenhisannouncementwastheonlythingspinninginmyhead.
AaronBlackfordwillbemyboss
MygazeshottoAaron,whowasleaningbackinhischair.Hisgazekeptfixatedsomewhereinfrontofhim,hisexpressionimpassive.Evenmorethanusual
Therewasapauseandsomeclapping.Towhichmyhandsjoinedinautomatically.
AaronBlackfordwillbepromotedtoheadofthedivision,andIjustwentonadatewithhim.Afakedatebutonetoanyonelooking.
Foraninstant,Iwashurledbackintime.ToapastIhadleftbehindanddidnotwanttoremember.Orreliveeveragain.
Shakingmyhead,Itriedtoappeasethewhirlwindofunwelcomememories.No,Iwouldn’tthinkofthatrightnow,notinfrontofeveryone.
Mygaze,whichwasstilllatchedontoAaron,studiedhisvacantexpression
Thischangedeverything.Whateverwas…betweenus.
Itnolongermatteredthathewasmyonlyoption.Itdidn’tmatteranymorethatnooneinSpainwouldbelieveweweredatingbecausewebickeredandarguedconstantly.ItdidnotmatterthathehadconfessedheneverwantedtobemyfriendandthatIdidn’tknowwherethatleftus.
Noneofthatmatteredbecause,now,thedealwasoff.Ithadtobeoff.
Iwouldnotplaycharadeswiththemanwhowastobepromotedtoheadofmydivision.Myboss.
TherewasnowayI’dputmyselfinasituationIhadalreadybeenin,whichhadendedupsobadly.Forme.Onlyforme.So,evenifallofitwouldbefake—hadbeenfakelastSaturday—Isimplywouldnotriskit.
Thescreechingofchairsbroughtmebacktotheroom.Iwatchedeveryoneswiftlystandupandscatter,Aaronincluded.
ImetRosie’sgaze,gapinggreeneyesframedbydarkcurls.
Holyshit,myfriendmouthed.
Holyshitindeed.
Andshedidn’tevenknowallofityet.
IcaughtaglimpseofAaron’sbacksomewherebehindRosie,andaresolutionthathadn’tbeenthereamomentagosolidifiedinmymind.Mamáhadtaughtmebetterthantoleavethingshangingovermyhead.Ignoringandwaitingforthemtogoawayontheirownwasn’tthesmartthingtodo.Becausetheydidn’t.Soonerorlater—andjustwhenyouleastexpectedthemto—they’dfalloffrightontopofyou,andchanceswere,they’dtakeyoudownwiththemifyouletthem.
Withnewfounddeterminationdrivingmybody,IwavedatRosieandletmylegswalkmeoutofthemeetingroom.Myshortlimbswereonamission,tryingtocatchupwiththelongstridesofthemanIwaschasing.
Inthematterofacoupleofminutes,whichwasn’tlongbutaboutenoughformyhearttostartracingwithaweirdandstrangeanticipation,hereachedhisoffice.Ienteredonlyafewstepsbehindhim.
IwatchedAaronwalkuptohischairandlethisbodyfallontoit,hislidsfallingshutandhisrighthandreachingforhisface.Herubbedhiseyes.
HemusthavethoughthewasalonebecauseIdidn’tthinkAaronhadeverallowedhimselftolooklikethiswhentherewassomeonearound.Soweary.Realandnotthatsteelfacadehealwaysputon.
JustlikeithadhappenedonSaturday,theurgetocomforthimroseagain.Anddespitemyself,Ialmoststartedinhisdirectionandaskedifhewasokay.Thankfully,thelittlecommonsenseIhadaroundthismansteppedinandstoppedmefromembarrassingmyself.
Aarondidnotwantmycomfort.Hedidn’tevenwanttobemyfriend.
Standingontheothersideofhisdesk,onlythatpieceoffunctionalfurnitureseparatingus,Ifinallymademypresencenoticed.“Congratulations!”IblurtedwithadoseofextraenthusiasmthatIregrettedimmediately.
Aaronstraightenedinhischair,hispalmfallingtothearmrest.“Catalina,”hesaidinavoicethat,now,IcouldnothearwithoutthinkingoflastSaturday.Hisgazezeroedinonme,hisfeaturespiecingbacktogether.“Thankyou.”
“Youdeservethepromotion.”
Hedid.AndbeneatheverythingIwasfeelinginthatmoment,Iwasonlyhappyforhim.Genuinely.
Henoddedinsilence.
Grabbingontomyplannerwithbothhands,knowingitwastheonlywayIcouldkeepmyselffromfidgeting,IhuntedmydisjointedmindforawaytovoicewhatIhadcomeheretosayaswestaredateachotherinsilence.
“Ithinkweshould…”Itrailedoff,stillnotfindingawaytosayit.“Ithinkit’sbetterifwe—”Ishookmyhead.“Iknowyouprobablydon’thavethetimetotalk.ButIthinkweshoulddothat.”Iwatchedhimfrown.“Privately.”Thatfrowndeepened.“Ifyouhavethetime,ofcourse.”
Ididn’twantthatdoorbehindmeclosedbecausetheideaofbeinginaroomwithAaronmademyheartdosilly,stupidthingsthatIwastryingreallyhardtoignore.Butitwastheonlywaytoensurenobodywouldeithercomeinorwalkbyandoverhearus.
“Ofcourse,”hesaidwithhisbrowsstillfurrowed.“Ialwayshavetimeforyou.”
Thatstupidlurchinmychestresumed.
Swiftly,AaronunfoldedhisbodyfromthechairandwalkedaroundthedeskandthenaroundmewhileIkeptmygazewherehehadbeenafewsecondsago.Standingtherelikeatotaldummy,Iheardhimshutthedoor,thenoiseechoinginthesilentroom.
“Sorry,”Imumbledashereappearedinfrontofme.“Icouldhavedonethatmyself.Ijustdidn’t—”Isighed.“Ididn’tthink.Thanks.”
Thistime,hedidn’treturntohischair.Instead,heleanedhisbodyontheedgeofthewoodensurfaceofhisdesk.“It’sokay.Wecantalknow.”
Thoseblueeyesofhispinnedmedown,waiting.
“Wecantalknow,yes,”Irepeated,squaringbackmyshoulders.“Ithinkweshoulddothat.”Iwatchedhisheadnod,feelingmyskinclammywithtrepidation.“Itwouldbegoodtocleartheairafter…allthat’shappened.”
“Yes,youareright,”headmitted.Bracinghisarmsonthedesk,hishandsgrabbedontotheedge.“Icameintoworktodaywiththeintentiontogetyouafterthemeeting.Suggestthatwecouldhavelunchtogetherandtalk.”
Lunchtogether
“Butweneverdothat.”
Aaronsighedverysoftly.“Iknow,”hesaidalmostbitterly.“ButIwantedtotakeyouanyway.”
Istaredathim,findingithardtoignoretheeffecthiswordshadonme.
“Idon’tthinkI’llbeabletonow.Mywholedayhasbeensidetrackedbythenews.”
That…thatwasjustasshockingashimadmittingtowantingtohavelunchwithme.
“Youdidn’tknowJeffwouldannounceyourpromotion?”
“Notreally.Ididn’tthinkthatwasgoingtohappenanytimesoon.Especiallynottoday,”heconfessed,sendingaboutamillionquestionsrushingthroughmymind.“Butthat’snotimportantnow.Youwanttotalkaboutus,Iassume.So,let’sdothat.”
“Butitis,”Icountered,feelingoutragedonhisbehalfandignoringthewaythatushadmademefeel.“IthinkJeffambushingyoulikethatisimportant.Ican’timaginewhyhewoulddosomethinglikethis.It’sjust”—Iloweredmyvoice,realizingithadsomewhatrisen—“unprofessional.”
TheblueinAaron’seyessimmered,nowlookingsurprisedhimself.“Itis;youareright.AndI’lltalktohimabouthowmuch,trustme.”
“Good.Youshould.”
Somethingsoftenedinhisface,andIavertedmyeyes,lettingthemrestsomewhereabovehisshoulder.NotwantinghimtoknowIcaredasmuchasIdid.SimplybecauseIshouldn’t.WewerestillthesameLinaandAaronwehadalwaysbeen—certainlynotfriends—andabouttobedividedbyawholestepinthehierarchyofthecompany.
ReleasingoneofmyhandsfromthedeathgripIhadonmyplanner,Iscratchedthesideofmyneck.Mygazestillrefusedtoshifttotheleft,whereit’dprobablyconnectwithhis.So,instead,itmoveddown,followingtheseamofthebluebutton-downthatcoveredhiswideshoulderswhileathicksilencewrappedaroundus.
“Listen,aboutourdeal—”Istarted.
“OnSaturday,I—”Aaronsaidatthesametime.
Finallyreturningmyeyestohisface,Ifoundhimgesturingformetogoahead.Iacceptedthechancewithanod.
“Iwillsaythis,andI’llbeoutofyourhair,Ipromise.”Iexhaledthroughmynose,notpayingattentiontoAaron’sfrown.“Nowthatyouwillbecomeheadofourdivision—which,again,it’sreallygreat,socongratulations.”Iletapolitesmiletugatthecornersofmylips.“Thingsfor…uswillchange.”Ishiftedonmyfeet,nothappywithhowthatsounded.Therewasnous.NotafterSaturdayandnotafterthis.“WhatI’mtryingtosayissomethingthatyouhaveprobablyfiguredoutyourself,butIjustwanttocleartheairbetweenus.”
Aaron’sjawclamped.
“Ourdealisoff.Itwasstupid,andnow,itmakesevenlesssensethanitdid.So,it’snotabigdeal.IhelpedyououtonSaturday,butyoudon’towemeanything.ConsideritpaybackforgivingmeahandwiththeorganizationofOpenDay,okay?Weareeven.”
Ihadexpectedtofeelabigweightliftoffmyshoulders,butthatwasnotwhathappened.Instead,itwasasifmywordshadsunkmefurtherdownintotheground.
“Weareeven?”Aaronasked,hishandsliftingfromtheoaksurfaceandthenfallingrightbackagain.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“Itmeansthatyoudon’toweme,”Isaidwithashrug.FullyawareofthefactthatIwasrepeatingmyself.“Youcanforgetaboutallthisnonsense.”
Hiseyesfilledwithadangerousmixofconfusionandfrustration.
“IthinkI’mbeingprettyclear,Aaron.Youdon’thavetogothroughwithyourendofthedeal.NoflyingtoSpain,noweddingnonsenseandpretendingtobemyboyfriend.Noplayingcharadeswithme.Thatwon’tbenecessary.”
“Yourboyfriend?”heaskedveryslowly.
Ahshit.Ihadn’tusedthewordboyfriendthefirsttime,hadI?
“Mydate,whatever.”
“Haveyoufoundsomeoneelse?Isthatwhatthisis?”
Ishothimalook.Washeforrealrightnow?“No,that’snotit.Notatall.”
Amuscleinhisjawjumped.“Then,I’llcomewithyou.”
Exhalingroughly,Ifoughttokeeptheirritationoffmyface.Whywashealwayssogoddamndifficult?“Youdon’thavetoanymore.”
“ButItoldyouIwould,Catalina.Itdoesn’tmatterthatyouthinkthatweareevenornot.”Hisvoicewassosure,thewayhesaiditsoconfidentthatitwashardnottodoubtmydecision.“Saturdaydoesn’tchangeanything.”
“Butitdoes,”Itoldhimalittletoobriskly.Aaronopenedhismouth,butIdidn’tgivehimanintotalk.“Andyourpromotiondoestoo,Aaron.Youwillbemyboss.Mysupervisor.Headofourdivision.Weshouldn’tevenbeentertainingtheideaofyoucomingtoaweddingwithmethattakesplacesomewhereallthewayacrosstheocean.Thethingspeoplewouldsayiftheyfoundout.Iwon’tallowmyselftobequestioned—”Istoppedmyself,realizingIhadsaidtoomuch.“It’sjusttoo…”
Ridiculous?Reckless?Alloftheabove?
Ishookmyhead,feelinglight-headedanddepleted.“It’sjustnotnecessaryanymore.”
Butofcourse,Aaronwouldn’tletanythinggowithoutafight.“Iunderstandyoubeingwarynowthatthenewsisout.”Heshookhishead.“Ididn’tthinkitwouldhappenthisfast.Butthere’snothingIcandoaboutthatnow.Itdoesn’tneedtochangeanythingwhereweareconcerned.”
Aaronwaitedformetospeak,butinsteadofwordsrisingtomylips,anavalancheofsomethingdifferentthrottleddownmythroat.
MemoriesofatimewhenIhadbeenstupidenoughtogetmyselfinaverysimilarposition.Onethathadn’tinvolvedamade-uprelationship,butonethathadbeenreal.SorealthatthehurtoverhowithadblownupinmyfacewassomethingIwasn’twillingtoeverreliveorevengetwithinshootingrangeof.
“That’sariskIwon’ttake.”Iheardmyownvoice,andIwasawarethatithadgivenawaymorethanIwouldhaveliked.“Youwouldn’tunderstand.”
“Then,helpmeouthere,”hetoldme,somethinghonestandopenabouthisrequest.“Makemeunderstand.Givemeatleastthat.”
MythroatworkedasIthoughtofthosewordsthathadbeenonrepeatonmymind.“No.ThatkindoftreatmentisoneIreserveforfriends.”
Somethingflashedacrosshisface,andIexpectedhimtosnapbackinthewayheandIalwaysdid.Butinstead,hesaid,“Catalina.”Anditsoundedallwrongandfar,farfromsnappy.“IfIsaidthatIdidn’tmeanwhatIsaidonSaturday,itwouldn’tchangeasinglething,soIwon’t.”
“Good,”Isaid,myvoicecomingoutallwrongtoo.Althoughinadifferentway.“Becauseit’sokayifyoudon’twanttobemyfriend.Youdon’thavetoexplainorretractthat.I’velivedwiththatknowledgeforalmosttwoyearsnow,andI’mfinewithit.”Aaron’sgazesharpened,butIkeptgoing,“Wearenotten-year-olds,headingintotheplaygroundforrecess.Wedon’tneedtoaskeachotherifwewanttobefriends.Wedon’tneedtobe.Especiallynotnowthatyouwillbemyboss.Weshouldn’tevenbeallthatfriendly.Andthat’sfine.That’salsowhyyou’reoffthehookwhereourdealisconcerned.I’llmanageonmyown.”AsmuchasitwasthelastthingIwantedtodo.Butthatwaswhatsingle,lyingmaidsofhonordid—theyattendedweddingsalone.“Thisisnotyougoingbackonyourword,Aaron.It’smereleasingyoufromit.”
Wewatchedeachotherforalongmoment,myheartthumpingagainstmychestwhileItoldmyselfthatwhatIwasseeinginhiseyeswasn’tregret.Himfeelinganythinglikethatdidnotmakeanysense.Unlessheregrettedgettinghimselftangledinthiswholemess.Now,thatwouldbesomethingIcouldunderstand.
BeforeIcouldgivethatanymorethought,theringtoneofhisphoneblaredthroughtheoffice.
Aarondidn’ttakehiseyesoffmeashereachedforitandanswered,“Blackford.”Apause.Westaredateachother,hisprofilenotablyhardening.“Yes,allright.I’llhavealookmyself.Twominutes.”
Iwatchedhimplacethephonebackonthedesk,andthenhestraightenedtohisfulllength.
Hesearchedmyfaceinawaythatmademyneckandearsflush.Asiftheskinofmycheeks,nose,andchinhidtheanswershewaslookingfor.
“Thereissomethingyouarenottellingme,”hefinallysaid.Andhewasn’twrong.TherewasmuchIwasn’ttellinghim.Andit’dstaythatway.“ButI’mpatient.”
Somethingfloppedagainstmyribcage.Ididn’tunderstandwhathemeantorwhymychestfelttightallofasudden.
“It’ssomethingimportant,andIneedtogo.”Hesteppedinmydirection,bothhandsinhispocketsandeyesstillonme.“Getbacktowork,Catalina.Wewillcontinueourconversation.”
Notmorethanaheartbeatlater,Aarondisappearedthroughthedoor.Leavingmeinhisoffice,staringintoemptyspace.Thinkinghowwellhehadalreadyfallenintohisnewrole,doubtingtherewassomethingwehadtocontinuetalkingabout,andfindingitreallyhardtobelievethathehadanythingtobepatientfor.
Basicallybecause,wherewewereconcerned,neitherofushadanythingtowaitfor.ChapterEleven
Everythingwentdownhillafterthatday.
AsmuchasmyintentionhadbeentosortoutthewholethingwithAaron,ourconversationhadn’trelievedmeintheslightest.Sure,Ihadmadeitveryclearthathewasoffthehook,buthiswordsstillhungovermyhead.Theyhadforthelasttwoweeks.
“Thereissomethingyouarenottellingme,”hehadsaid.“ButI’mpatient.”
Itwaslikewaitingforabombtodrop.
Andontopofnotknowingwherewestoodafterthatcrypticstatement,Ihadn’tbroughtmyselftotellRosieaboutit.Yet.Iwould—assoonasIfiguredacontingencyplanformyweddingsituation.Whichwasonlythreedaysaway.Three
IeyedtheanalogclockIkeptonmydesk.Itwaseightintheevening,andIwasnotevenclosetobeingdonewiththeday.
HowcouldIbewhennothingwasgoingaccordingtoplan?Ihadn’tfoundanyonetoreplaceLindaandPatricia,soIwasstillcoveringforthemmyself.Istillhadn’tfiguredouthowI’dbeentertainingourguestsforthewholesixteenhoursOpenDaywasplannedtolast.AndIhadfoundthatourhopefullyprospectiveclient,Terra-Wind,hadbeengettingcozywithoneofourbiggestcompetitors.Notbecausetheywerebetterthanus,butbecausetheywereoneofthoseconsultingcompaniesthatofferedtheirservicesatridiculouslylowrates.
AcrisisIhadbeendealingwithforthelastthreehours.
“Thankyou,MissMartín,”amaninadarksuitspokefromthescreenofmylaptop.“Wewillstudyyourofferandcometoadecision.”
Inodded.“Thankyouforyourtime,”Isaid,makingmyselfsmilepolitely.“Ilookforwardtohearingbackfromyou,Mr.Cameron.Haveagoodevening.”
HittingEndontheconferencecallIhadbeenonwiththerepresentativeofthedecisionboardofTerra-Wind,Itookoffmyheadphonesandclosedmyeyesforamoment.Jesus,Ididn’tevenknowhowthathadgone.IjusthopedIhadgottenthroughtohim.Myteamwaswortheveryextrapenny,andTerra-WindwasarenewablecompanythathadtheresourcesandthepotentialtodosomethingforthestateofNewYork.Iwantedthisproject.
Openingmyeyesbackup,Iwatchedmyphoneflashwithmysister’sname,causingatwirlofmixedemotions.Anyotherday,Iwouldhaveautomaticallypickedup.Butnottoday.Ihadalreadysentseveralofhercallstovoicemail.Ifitwerearealemergency,mywholefamilywouldhavebeenblastingmyphone.
“Losientomucho,Isa,”Isaidasifshecouldhearme.“Idon’thavetimetodealwithanotherbridalapocalypse.”
Isilencedmyphone,placeditscreendown,andmovedontothestackofrésumésthatHRhadsentoverforthevacanciesIneededtofill.Two—I’dcheckacoupleofthemandtaketheresthomewithme.
Fourrésuméslater,Iwasdroppingmytrustyhighlighterdown.Iletmybackfallonthebackrestofmychair.
Myheadwasspinning,probablyduetothefactthatIhadbeenworkingonmostlyanemptystomach.Again.BecauseIhadbeendieting.Wrongly,mostlikely.Closingmyeyes,Iscoldedmyselfforbeingthatdumb.
But,asmuchasIhatedmyselfforit,Icouldn’tstopthinkingofstandinginfrontofDaniel.Myex,thegroom’sbrotherandbestman.Who,unlikeme,washappilyengaged.Orinfrontofeverybody.Icouldalreadyfeeleverysinglesoulattendingtheceremonywatchingme,watchingus.Measuringmyreactionandassessingme—fromthewayIlookedtothewaymylipswouldtugdownandpalewhenIfinallyfacedhim.LookingforpossibleanswersthatwouldexplainwhyIwasstillsingleafterallthistimewhileDanielwasn’t.
Didsheevergetoverhim?Didsheevergetovereverythingthathadhappened?Ofcoursenot.Poorthing.Whathappenedmusthavereallymessedherup
So,wasitthatsillyofmetowanttostandthereandlookgood?Notjustfine.Notjustgettingby.Toeveryonewatching,Iwantedtolookcomplete.Beautiful,flawless,unaffected.IneededtogivetheimpressionthatIhadmylifebackontrack.Allfiguredout.Happy.Withamanonmyarm.
Objectively,Iknewhowdumballofitsounded,howmuchIshouldn’tbemeasuringmyselfintermsofhavingaman,lookingthinner,orhavingclearskin.But,God,Iknewthatwaswhateverybodyelsewouldbedoing.
Ishookmyhead,tryingtovanishthosethoughtsoutofmymindbutonlyaccomplishingtomakeitworsewiththewaymyheadkeptspinning.Mybodywasscreamingatmeforsomething,anythingthatwouldappeasethehollownessinmystomach.
Water.Thatwouldhelp.
Grabbingmyphoneandslippingmybadgeonthepocketofmycamelslacks,IstoodonweakerlegsthanIwouldhavelikedandmademywayoutoftheoffice.Therewasoneofthosewaterdispensersdownthecorridor.Threemoremissedcallsfrommysister.Withthetimedifference,she’dbeasleepbynow.
Lina:Losiento,bridezilla.*crazyfaceemoji*
Ityped,andthetextblurredforasecond.Istoppedwalking,tryingtogetmyeyestofocusbackonthescreen.
Lina:Hablamosma?ana,vale?
Icontinued,butthecharactersinthescreenstarteddancing.Myfingerslostallcertainty,vacillatingoverthekeyboardofthedevice.Mysightdoubledandthenblurred,notmanagingtopinpointwithclaritythewordsIthoughtIwastypingastheyappearedonthetextbubble.
AshakybreathleftmylipsasIattemptedtohitSend.
WaterThat’swhatIneed.
Myheadliftedoffmyphone,andmylegsresumedagain,takingmeafewfeetdownthecorridor.Iknewthatthewaterdispenserwasrightthere,probablyaboutfiveorsixstepsaheadofme.Butwhitespotsscatteredacrossmyvision,andeverythingblinkedoutforasecond.White.Then,thefluorescent-illuminatedcorridorcameback,narrowing,tunnelingaway.
“Whoa,”Iheardmyselfmurmur.
IwascompletelyunawareofthefactthatmylegshadkeptmovingforwarduntilIhadtobalancemyselfwithahandonthewall.
“Ohmierda.”Istumbled.
Myeyelidsflutteredclosed,andIcouldfeelhowallthebloodinmyfacerusheddown,leavingmewoozyandunbalanced.Iwilledmyeyestoopenbackup.ButallIsawwaswhite.Awhiteandmistyblanketthatcoveredeverythinginfrontofme.Althoughperhaps,itwasthewall.Icouldn’tbesure.
I…Imessedup.BigtimeEightthirty.Noonearound.ThatkeptechoinginmyheadasItriedtoaccountforthesignsthatindicatedIwasgoingdown.AndI…dammit.Icouldn’tremember.Couldn’t…think.Myskinfeltcoldandclammy,andIjustwantedtoclosemyeyesandrest.Iwasvaguelyrecallingthatbeingabadideawhenmylimbsstartedgivingout
Then,Iwaslyingdown.
Good.That’sgoodI’llrest,andthenI’llbebetter.Itoppledtotheside.It’scold,butit’ll…get…better
“Catalina.”Avoiceseepedthroughthehaze.Itwasdeep.Urgent.
Mylipswerecoolandfeltdetachedfrommybody,soIdidn’tanswer.
“Fuck.”Thatvoiceagain.Then,somethingwarmfellonmyforehead.“Jesus,fuck.Catalina.”
Imessedup.I…knew.Ihaddonesomethingwrong,andIwantedtoadmititoutloudtowhoeverwasthere,butallIaccomplishedwasamumblethatdidn’treallysoundlike…anything.
“Hey.”Thatvoicesoftened,nolongersoundingangry.
AndI…Iwassotired.
“Openthosebigbrowneyes.”
ThatwarmpressureIfeltonmyforeheadmoveddownmyface,spreadingacrossmycheek.Itfeltgoodagainstmycoolanddampskin,soIleanedonit.
“Openthemforme.Please,Catalina.”
Myeyelidsflutteredopenforaninstant,findingtwobluespotsthatmademethinkoftheocean.Ifeltasighescapemymouth,thathollowandvoidsensationrecedingforaninstant.
“Thereyouare.”Iheardthevoiceagain.Evensofternow.Relieved.
AsIblinkedslowly,myvisionstartedtoreturninflashes.Deepblueeyes.Hairasdarkasblackink.Thehardlineofajaw.
“Lina?”
Lina
Therewassomethingfunnyaboutthatvoicecallingmyname.Theoneeveryonecalledme.
No,noteveryone.
Iblinkedsomemore,butbeforemyeyescouldfocusonafixedpoint,Iwasliftedintheair.Themovementwasslow,sogentle,thatIbarelynoticeditatfirst,butthenwestartedmoving.Andafterafewseconds,themotionwasenoughtosendmyheadspinningagain.
“Micabeza,”Isaidundermybreath.
“I’msorry.”Ifeltthewordsrumblingagainstmyside,becomingawareofhowmycheekwasrestingagainstsomethinghotandhard.Somethingwithaheartbeat.Achest.“Juststaywithme,okay?”
Okay,I’llstay.AndIburrowedintothechest,readytolosemyselftotheexhaustionrockingmybody.
“Eyesopen,please.”
Somehow,Icomplied.Iletthemfallonashoulderthatlookedterriblyfamiliaraswemoved.Andgradually,myvisioneventuallycleared.Myhead,nolongerwhirling,lockedbackonmyshoulders.Thesweatonmyskincooleddown.
Myeyesroamedaroundasrecollectionofwhathadhappenedspilleddownmymind.Ifainted,fornoteatingenough.Likeatotaldumbass.Sighing,Ilookedup,mygazezeroinginonachinthatstretchedintoajawthatwastoppedbylipsthatwerepressedtightly.
“Aaron,”Iwhispered.
Blueeyesmetmineforaninstant.“Holdon.Almostthere.”
IwasinAaron’sarms.Hisleftarmaroundmylegs,handspreadingonmythigh.Hisrightonearoundmyback,hislongfingerssplayedacrossmyhip.BeforeIcoulddelveintothatoronthecomfortingandamazingwarmthemanatingoffhimandintomyskin,hewasputtingmedown.
Confused,Ilookedaroundme.Mygazestumbleduponthathorrible,disturbingframedpieceofartofakidwithhugeeyes.Ihadalwayshatedit,andIknewexactlywhereitbelonged.WecouldonlybeinJeff’soffice.HewastheonlypersonIknewpersonallywhodidn’tfindthatfrightening.
Myasssettledonaplushsurface,andmybackfollowed,restingonsomethingthatfeltalotlikeapillow.Iplacedmyhandsonmysides,noticingthefabricbeneathmyfingers.Leather.Asofa.Jeffhadoneinhisoffice.Itwasoneofthoseleathersetteesthatlookedallpretentiousandclassy.
Aaron’spalmbrushedmyfaceagain,andmyattentionreturnedtohim.Hewasclose,reallyclose.Kneelingonthefloorinfrontofme.Histouchwascomforting,buthisexpressiondidn’tmatchthesoothingqualityofhisfingersagainstmyskin.
“Doyouwanttoleanback?”heasked,anedgeonhisvoice.
“No,I’mokay.”IwilledmyvoicetoconveythestrengthIwasn’tfeeling.Hiseyebrowsdrawintoascowl.“Youlooksomad.”Itwasanobservationthatshouldhavebeenkeptasathoughtprobably,butIguessedthat,giventhecircumstances,Iwasn’tinthedispositiontobepickywithwhatleftmymouth.“Whyareyoumad?”
“Whenwasthelasttimeyouate,Catalina?”Hisscowldeepened,andheshiftedonhisknees,straighteninghisback.Iwatchedhimpullsomethingoutofhispocket.
Igrimaced.“Lunch?Ithink.MaybemorelikebrunchbecauseIdidn’thavetimetogetbreakfast,soIjusthadsomethingataroundeleven.”
Hishandfrozemidairinfrontofme,allowingmetoseethatsomethinghewasholding.Itwaswrappedinwhitewaxpaper.“Jesus,Catalina.”Heshotmealookthatwouldmakeanyoneelsecower.Onethatwoulddefinitelyhelpwithhissoon-to-benewposition.
Butevenifmytankwasliterallyempty,Iwasn’tanyoneelse.
“I’mfine,Mr.Robot.”
“No,youarenot,”heshotback.Then,heverycarefullyplacedonmylapwhatIalreadyknewwasadeliciousAaronBlackfordhomemadegranolabar.“Youfainted,Catalina.That’sreallyfarfrombeingfine.Eatthis.”
“Thanks.ButI’mokaynow.”Ilookeddown,mygazegettingacquaintedwiththegiftedsnackonemoretime.Withshakyhands,Isnatchedit.Unwrappeditwithclumsyfingers.“Doyoualwayscarrytheseonyou?”Ihesitated,mystomachcomplainingforsomereason.
“Eat,please.”
Soodd,howhecouldsaypleaseandmakeitsoundlikeathreat.
“Jeez.”Itookabite.Then,Ispokewithamouthful—becausewhocared?Hehadliterallyjustpickedmeoffthefloor,white-lipped,sweaty,andonmywaytodramaticallypassingout—“IsaidI’mokay.”
“No,”hethundered.Pinningmedownwithawarning.“Whatyouareisadumbass.”
Ifrowned,wantingtobeupsetbutagreeingwithhim.Hedidn’tneedtoknowIwasonhisside.
“Stubbornwoman,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.
Istoppedchewing,makinganattempttostandupandstompoutofthatoffice.Hestoppedmewithoddlygentlehandsonmyshoulders.
“Donottestmerightnow.”Thatdamnscowlwasbackwithavengeance.
Igaveupunderthesoftviseofhislargepalmsandletmybodyfallback.
“Eatthebar,Catalina.It’snotnearlyenough,butit’lldofornow.”
Feelingtheghostofhishandsontheskincoveringmyshoulders,Ishivered.“I’meating.Noneedtobossmearound.”Iavertedmyeyesandresumedchewing,tryingnottothinkofhowmuchIwantedthosepalmsbackonmyskin.Orthoselongandbigarmsaroundme.Ineededthecomfort.Mybodyfeltstretchedtoolong,myskinchilled,mymusclesoverworked.
“Stayhere.I’llberightback.”
Inodded,notlookingup.Isimplylimitedmyselftochowingdownthesnack
Onlyafewmomentslater,Aaronwasback.Alldeterminedstridesandstiffback.“Water,”heannounced,droppingabottleonmylap.Heplacedmyphonebesidemetoo.
“Thanks.”Iunscrewedthelid,chuggingdownaquarterofthebottle.
WhenIwasdone,Ilookedupagain.Aaronwasstandinginfrontofmenow.Stilllookingallangryandbunchedup.Iletmygazefalloffhisface,feelingextratiny,sittingtherewhilehetoweredoverme.
“So,Iguessthiswillbeyourofficesoon.Ihopetheyletyouredecorate.”Ieyedthehorriblepaintingbehindhim.
“Catalina.”Thewayhesaidmynameheldawarning.
Ugh.Iwasnotdownforalecture.
“Thatwassostupid.Noteating,riskinghypoglycemiawhenthewholebuildingisdeserted.Whatifyouhadlostconsciousnessandnoonewasaroundtofindyou?”
“Youwerehere,weren’tyou?”Ianswered,stillnotlookingathim.“Youarealwayshereanyway.”
Anoisecameoutofhisthroat.Anotherwarning.Don’tgivemethatshit,ittoldme.
“Whyareyounoteating?”Hisquestionfeltlikeapunch,rightinmystomach.“Youalways,alwaysusedtohavesomethinginyourhand.Jesus,youusedtopullpastriesoutofyourpocketsattheoddestandmostinappropriatetimes.”
Thathadmelookingup,meetingice-coldeyes.Ihad;Iwasasnacker.Thatwaspartoftheproblem,wasn’tit?
“Whyareyounotdoingthatnow?Whyhaven’tyoudonethatforthelastmonth?Whyareyounoteatinglikeyouusuallydo?”
Narrowingmyeyesathim,Iclaspedmyhandstogether.“Areyoucallingmea—”
“Don’t,”hehissed.“Don’teventryit.”
“Fine.”
“Tellme,”heinsisted,hisgazehardeninglikestone.“Whyareyounoteating?”
“Isn’titobvious?”Mybreathingquickened,everywordcostingmemoreandmoreefforttospit.Toadmitthetruth.“BecauseIwanttoloseweight,allright?Forthewedding.”
Herearedback.Appalled.“Why?”
Mostofthebloodthathadleftmyheadearlierrushedback.Awfultiming.Justlikeeverythingelseaboutmylife.“Because,”Ibreathedout.“Becausethat’swhatpeopledobeforeanimportanteventlikethat.BecauseIwanttolookmybest,asmuchasyouwon’tbelieveit.BecauseI’dliketolookasamazingasIpossiblycan.Because,apparently,Ihavebeengoingaround,stuffingmyfacewithpastriestwenty-four/seven,andmybodyhasdefinitelybeenstoringit.BecauseIjust…didit,okay?Whatdoesitmatter?”
“Catalina,”hesaid,andIcouldhearinhisvoicehowdisconcertedhewas.“That’s…ridiculous.You’veneverbeenlikethat.”
DidhethinkIcouldn’tpossiblywantto…lookbeautiful?
“What,Aaron?”Iwhispered,notfindingmyvoice.“Whatissoridiculousexactly?Isitsohardtobelievethatfromme?ThatI’mlikethat?LikeIcareabouthowIlook?”
Histhroatworked.“Youdon’tneedanyofthatgoddamnshit.Youaresmarterthanthat.”
Iblinked.
Then,Iblinkedsomemore.“Didyoujustsaygoddamnshit?Atwork?”Iloweredmyvoice.“InJeff’soffice?”
NowthatIthoughtofit,hehaddroppedafewbadwordsearlier,hadn’the?
Lookingdown,heshookhishead,hisshouldersfallingwithsomethingthatlookedalotlikedefeat.“Jesus,”hebreathedout.“Fuck,Catalina.”
Wow.“Allthisswearing,”IsaidwhileItriedtosearchhisfaceforwhateverwasgoingonwithhim.“Idon’tthinkmyearswilleverrecover,Blackford.”
Oneofhishandswenttothebackofhisneck.Hisheadfellback,remindingmealotofthatmomentIhadn’tbeenabletoforget.Whenhehadfollowedthatwithwonderfullaughter.Whenhehadsmiledfreely.Asbrightlyasonecouldsmile.Buthedidn’tdoanyofthatnow.Hejustgavemeatugofhislips,tinylittlewrinklesinthecornersofhiseyes.
“Youarecute,”hesaidmatter-of-factly.“Butdon’tthinkyoucanplaythatcardnow.I’mstillmad.”
Cute?Cuteasincuteorcuteasinsmallandfunnyandsomethingyousmiledatwithfondness?Orperhapscuteasin—
Istoppedmyself.Closedmyeyesforaninstant,soIwouldjuststopthinking.
“Areyoufeelingbetter?Thinkyoucanstand?”
Openingmyeyes,Inoddedmyhead.“Yeah.Noneedtocarrymearoundagain.”AlthoughthelurchinmychestatthethoughtremindedmehowcomfyIhadbeenupthere.“Thanks.”
“IcanifI—”
“Iknowyoucan,Blackford,”Iinterruptedhim.Ifheofferedagain,Imighttakehimuponit.“Thankyoufordoingitearlier,butIgotitundercontrol.”
Henodded,stretchingouthishandinfrontofme.“Comeon.Let’sgo.We’llgrabyourthingsandgetyouhome.”
Ididn’treachoutforitwithmine.“Ican—”
“Cutitout,willyou?”Hestoppedme.God,webothweresofreakingstubborn.“Now,youcanletmewalkyououtanddriveyouhome”—hepaused,likeatotaldramaqueen—“orIcancarryyououtofthisbuildingandintomycarmyself.”
Holdinghisgaze,Iliftedmyhandandhelditintheair,justafewinchesawayfromhis.Imeasuredhiswords.Assessedmythoughts.VaguelyignoringthewayI’dlovenothingmorethantoseehimtryingoptionnumbertwo.Andwhatwasfarmoredisturbingthanthatwas,Ididn’tthinkitwasforthepleasureitwouldbringmetofighthimonsomethinglikethat.
“Fine,”Isaid,wrappingmyfingersaroundhisaswellasIcould,consideringthesizedifference.“Noneedtogetyourpantiesinabunch,Blackford.”
Hesighed.Butthenhepulledmeup,doingsomethingwithourhands.Somethingthatsomehowchangedthepositionsofourpalms,whichwerenowagainsteachother.
Afluttertookflightinthemiddleofmychest.Andasweexitedtheoffice,Irealizedit’dsoonnolongerbeJeff’s,ourboss.ThiswouldbecomeAaron’soffice.
Soonenough.
Whichshouldhavebeenreasonenoughtoimmediatelydrophishandandrunintheoppositedirection.Itshouldhavebeenenoughtostopmyselffromwelcomingthewarmthofhispalmorlettinghimtakemehome.
Itshouldhave.Butironically,Ihadn’tseemedtobelisteningtoawholelotofshouldhaveslately.So,whatwasacouplemore?
***
“Hello?”Adistantmalevoicestirredmebacktolife.
Unpoquitomás,IsilentlybeggedasIfoughttofallbackintooblivion.Unratitomás.
“I’mAaron.”
Aaron?
Eyesshutandeverythoughtstickyandheavy,Ihalfheartedlytriedtomakesenseofwhatwashappening.WhywasAaron’svoicesoundingrightbesideme?Iwantedtogobacktosleep.
Ivaguelyrecognizedthecharacteristicdullvibrationofanengine.AmIinacar?Abus?Butweweren’tmoving.
Adream.Yeah,thatmadesense.Right?
Confusedandoverexerted,IburieddeeperintothewarmthofmybedanddecidedIdidn’tcareifIdreamedofAaron.Itwouldn’tbethefirsttimeanyway.
“Yes,thatAaron.”Themalevoicewasnolongerdistant.“Yes,I’mafraidso,”hecontinued.Everywordbringingmemoreandmoreawake.“She’sasleeprightnow.”
Ifeltafeatherlikecaressonthebackofmyhand.Andmyskinflaredbacktolife.Feelingwaytoorealforthisbeingadream.
“No,everythingisfine.”Aaron’sbaritonetexturereverberatedthroughmyears,andIfoundaweirdcomfortinrecognizingit.“Okay,IwilltellCatalinatocallyouback.”Apause.Followedbyachuckle.“No,I’mnotoneofthose.Ilovemeat.Roastedlambinparticular.”
Meat.Yeah.ThatwassomethingIalsolovedWeshouldeatmeattogether,AaronandI.Mymindwanderedawayforaninstant,thinkingofjuicyandcrispylambandAarontoo.
“Okay.Thankyou,andlikewise,Isabel.Bye.”
Wait.Wait
Isabel?
Isabelasinmysister,Isabel?
Moreconfusiontuggedatmystill-foggymind.Ifeltoneofmyeyesflutteropen.Iwasn’tinmybed.Iwasinacar,whichwasimmaculate.Obsessivelyso.
Aaron’scar
IwasinAaron’scar.Notadream.
And…Isabel.Shehadcalledmeearliertoday,hadn’tshe?Andtextedme.AndIhadignoredallofit.
Allatonce,theeventsofthelasthourssnowballeddownmymind,overwhelmingmyhalf-functionalbrain.
No.Myeyesblinkedfullyopen,andmybodysprangup.
“I’mawake,”Iannounced.
AsIwhirledmyheadfromonesidetotheother,mygazestumbledupontheownerofthecarIhadbeennappingin.Hepassedbothhishandsthroughhishair,lookingashumanlytiredasonecould.
Hisheadturnedinmydirection.“Welcomeback,”hesaid,lookingatmestrangely.“Again.”
Myheartsqueezed.Whyexactly,Ididn’thavetheslightestidea.
“Hi,”Imanagedwithmyscatteredbrain.
“Yoursistercalled,”Aarontoldme,makingmywholebodytense.“Fivetimesinarow,”headded.
Iopenedmymouth,butmytonguedidn’tworkthroughthewords.Anywords.
“It’sokay.Somethingaboutaweirdtextyousenther,”heexplainedandofferedbackmyphone.
Iclaspedit,grazingAaron’sfingersverybriefly.
FeelingAaron’sgazeonme,Icheckedonthetext.God,itwasintelligible.Alarminglyso.
Aaroncontinued,“Then,shewentonabouttheseatingorthetables,Ithink?Maybesomethingaboutthenapkinstoo.”
Ilookedoverathim,catchingoneofhishandsshootingtohishairagain.Themusclesonhisarmflexed,andmystill-sleepyeyesseemedtobeabsorbedbythatmotionandthatmotionalone.
“I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavepickedup,”Aaronsaid,bringingmygazetohisfaceoncemore.
“It’sokay,”Iadmitted,shockingmyself.“Ifshecalledmeatthreeorfourinthemorning,Spaintime,thatmeantshewasgenuinelyworried.ShewouldhaveprobablysenttheNewYorkCityFireDepartmenttomyplaceifyouhadnotanswered.”
Somethingoddshoneinhiseyes.“I’mgladtohearthatbecauseyourphonerangandrang.Andyou…”Heshookhisheadlightly.“Yousleeplikethedead,Catalina.”
Hewasn’twrong.
Noteventhearrivaloftheapocalypse—eveniftheverysameFourHorsemenweregallopinginmydirection,shoutingmyname—couldshakemeawakewhenIwasdeeplyasleep.WhichwasironicreallybecauseIsabeltalkingtoAarononthephonewasmyideaofaworld-endingevent.
Myeyeswidenedwitharealization.
Aaronhadtalkedtomysister.Hehadmentionedmeat.Roastedlamb.Whichwasonthemenuforthewedding.
Theconnotationsofthattwirledinmywearyhead.
“Areyouokay?”AaronaskedasIsilentlypanicked.
“Yes,”Ilied,forcingasmile.“Super-duperokay.”
Aaron’sbrowarched.Maybethathadbeenagiveawaytohownotsuper-duperokayIwas.
“Itoldheryouwerefine,justasleep.ButIthinkyoushouldcallherbacktomorrow.”Hepointedatmyphone.“Judgingbythefive-minutemonologueinSpanishbeforeIcouldeventellheritwasn’tyouontheline,I’dsayshe’llfeelbetterwhenyoudo.”Aaron’slipstwitchedinwhatwasthebeginningofasmile.
“Yeah,”Imurmured,alittletooabsorbedbyhismouthwhenIshouldhavebeentryingtomanageacrisis.“Okay.”
Thatsmirkstretchedintoalopsidedsmile.
Ah,man.Whydiditlooksogoodonhim?Hedidn’tsmilenearlyenough.
Whichwasnotimportant.
WhatmatteredwasthatAaronhadtalkedtomysister,andshenevermincedherwords.Ever
“So,Aaron,”Istarted,thewordsrushingout,“whenyoutalkedtomysister,youtoldheryourname.Right?”
Hecockedabrow.“Yes,that’swhatpeopledowhentheyintroducethemselves.”
“Okay.”Inoddedmyheadveryslowly.“Andhowdidyousaythatexactly?Asin,Hey,I’mAaron.”Idroppedmyvoice,imitatinghis.“Orlike,I’mjustAaron.I’mnoone.Hello.”
Hetiltedhishead.“I’mnotsureIunderstandthequestion,butI’mgoingtogoonawhimandgowithoptionone.Althoughmyvoicesoundsnothinglikethat.”
Iexhaledthroughmynose,bringingthepadsofmyfingerstomytemples.“Oh,Aaron.Thisisnotgood.I’m…”Iblinked,feelingmyselfpale.“OhGod.”
Aaronfrowned.“Catalina”—hisblueeyesassessedme,concerned—“maybeIshouldtakeyoutoahospital,getyoucheckedout.Youmusthavehityourheadwhenyoufell.”
Heangledhisbodyaway,placingonehandonthesteeringwheelandliftingtheotheronetotheignition.
“Wait,wait.”Istoppedhimrightbeforehestartedthecar.“It’snotthat.I’mokay.Seriously.”
Hecutmeaglance.
“I’mfine.”
Helookedlikehedidn’tbelieveme
“Ipromise.”
Hishandsdropped,fallingonhislap.
“ButIneedsomethingfromyou.”Iwatchedhimnod.Whoa,okay.Thatwaseasy.“IneedyoutotellmeexactlywhatyoutoldIsabel.”
“Wetalkedaboutthis.Aboutaminuteago.”Hebroughtoneofhishandstothebackofhisneck.
“Justdoitforme.Humorme.”Igavehimaweaksmile.“Ineedtoknowwhatyousaid.”
ThemanlookedatmeasifIwereaskinghimtotakehisclothesoffandperformachoreographeddanceinthemiddleofTimesSquare.
WhichI’dbetotallydownfor—butagain,notimportant.
“Please.”Itriedmyluckwiththemagicword.
Aaronstaredatmeforalongmoment.Andsomehow,Idiscoveredthatsix-letterwordturnedouttobethekeytomakinghimdosomethingformewithoutputtingupafight.
Hesighed,fallingdeeperintotheseat.“Fine.”
“Oh,andbeasdetailedasyoucantoo.Useherexactwordsifyoucan.”
Heexhaledagain.“AftersheswitchedtoEnglish,shesaidthatitwasnicetomeetme.Thatyou’dbetterhaveagoodexcusefornotpickingupbecausethattextwasscary.Thatthestupidhippiewhowasinchargeoftheflowerswasgoingtoruinherweddingbecause,now,thelinenofthetableswouldn’tmatchherbouquet.”
Thathadmesnorting.Thatpoorfloristwasabouttopayforhissins.
Hecontinued,“Andthatshe’dseemeinafewdays.Atthewedding.”Thatlastpartwipedallhumoroffme.“Beforethat,sheaskedmeifIwasoneofthosehipsterswhodidn’teatmeat.Becauseinthatcase,shewouldhavetouninvitemetothewedding.Then,sheaddedthatshewasjokingandtoldmethatI’dbetterbethereifIknewwhatwasgoodforme.EspeciallyifIlovedroastedlamb.Isaidsure.Idolovelamb,tobehonest.Idon’teatitoftenenoughactually.”
Anugly,loud,animal-soundinggroanleftmybody.
“MierdaQuédesastre.Quécompletoymalditodesastre.”Ibroughtmyhandstomyface,coveringitwithmypalmsandwishingthathidingfromthisstupidsituationwereaseasyasthat.
“Shemighthavesaidsomethinglikethat,too,whenshethoughtitwasyouonthephone.”Then,withmedicalcuriosity,heasked,“Whatdoesthatmeanexactly?”
“Itmeansshit.Mess.Disaster.Catastrophe,”Ianswered,myvoicemuffledthroughmyfingers.
Aaronhummedinagreement.“Thatwoulddefinitelyfitthetoneofthebeginningoftheconversation.”
“Aaron”—myhandsdroppedtomylap—“whydidyoutellherthatyouwouldbethere?Theweddingisonlyafewdaysaway.I’mflyingtoSpaininthreedays.”
“Wejustwentthroughthis,”hesaid,soundingasexhaustedasIfelt.“IdidnottellherI’dbethere.SheassumedI’dbethere.”
Ishothimaglance.
“Afterwhatwentdown?”Itoldhim,tryinganewapproachtothetopic.“Afterourconversationandhowweagreedthatourdealwasoff?Youletherassumeyou’dbethere.”
Hadheforgottenaboutthat?BecauseIhadnot
“Itoldyouwewouldtalkaboutit.”
When?Iwantedtoaskhim.WhileIwasonmywaytotheairport?Wewereoutoftimetotalkaboutanything.
“Butwehaven’ttalked,Aaron.”
Twoweeks.He’dhadtwoweekstoreachouttome.AndasmuchasIhadhatedmyselfforit,apartofmehadwaitedforhimtodothat.Ihadjustrealizedit.Well,atleastthatexplainedwhyIhadn’tbroughtmyselftotellRosie.Ormyfamily.Yet.
Ishookmyhead.Iwassodumb.“Andwedon’tneedto.Wehavenothingtotalkabout.”
Aaronclenchedhisjaw,notsayinganythingelse.
Myphonepingedacoupleoftimes,butIignoredit.IwasbusyshootingdaggersatAaron.
Depletedofenergy,Igaveupandrestedmyheadonthelushheadrestofthecopilot’sseat.Myeyelidsshut,andIwishedIcouldshutdowntheworldtoo.
Thesoundofmyphonegoingoffagainwithacouplemoretextsbroughtmyeyestomylap.
Iignoreditagain.“WhatamIgoingtodo?”Ithoughtoutloud.“Inafewhours,IsabelwillbecallingeveryonetotellthemshetalkedtoLina’sboyfriendonthephone.”IwasscrewedsixwaysfromSunday.“IguessIcouldalwaystellthemIbrokeupwithyou.”Ireleasedalongsigh.Then,Iturnedtolookoverathim.“Notwithyou,you.Butwith—”Ishookmyhead.“YouknowwhatImean.”
Atthat,Aaronstraightenedinhisseat,furthercrampingthespaceinsidethecar.
Beforeeitherofuscouldsayanything,myphonewentoffagain.Ilifteditoffmylapwiththeintentiontosilenceit.“PorelamordeDios.”
Analarminglylargenumberofmessagesflashedonmyscreen,confirmingmysuspicions.
Isabel:IjusttalkedtoyourBF.*smirkingemoji*Whatadeep,sexyvoicehehas.Sendpics,pls.
Mamá:YoursistertoldmeshetalkedtoAaron.Ifhewantsameatlessmenu,wecanstilltalktotherestaurantandaskthemtoprepareafishoption.He’llhavefish,right?That’snotmeat,isit?
Mamá:Unlessvegetarianseatchicken.Dothey?Charousedtobeflexotorian?Flexatarian?Idon’tremember.Butshestillhadjamónandchorizo.YouknowIdon’tknowaboutallthosefoodtrends.
Mamá:Ifhedoes,wecanalsoaskforchicken.Askhim.
OhsweetbabyJesus.Howintheworldwasmymotherawake?
Isabel:It’sweirdthatIdon’tknowwhatyourboyfriendlookslike.Isheugly?That’sokay.Ibethemakesupforitinotherways.*eggplantemoji*
Mamá:Justletmeknowwhatheeats.Itwillbefine.Iwon’ttellAbuela.Youknowhowsheis.
Isabel:I’mjoking,youknow.Iwouldn’tjudgeyourboyfriendbythewayhelooks.
Isabel:Also,Iwon’taskforadickpicbecausethat’syourbusiness,butIwon’tcomplainifyouwanttoshowmeone.
Igroaned.
Isabel:Jokingagain.*heartemoji*
Isabel:Notaboutthesexyvoicethough.Thatwas*fireemoji*
“So,thatleavesustwooptions,”themanbesidemesaid.
Whirlingmyheadaroundandalmostbuttinghisintheprocess,Ifoundhimlookingovermyshoulder.Close—hismouthwassoveryclosetomycheek.
Ijerkedmyphoneagainstmychest,theskinofmyfaceheatingup.“Howmuchdidyouget?”
Aaron—myprospectiveboss—shruggedhisshoulders.“Enough.”
Ofcoursehedid.ThisisTheLinaMartínShowafterall.
“Atleast,enoughtoadviseagainstbreakingupwithmeuntilyouheartheoptionsweareleftwith.”
Thismanhadsqueezedhimselfinmydilemma,rightthereinthethickofthings.Ishouldbemad.Furious.AndIwantedtobe.Butthatus,thatknowledgeofnotbeingalonetodealwiththewholemessIhadinmyhands—onethatIhadcreatedandhadsnowballedintothiscomplexwebofliesthatincludedhim—mademefeelalittle…better.Alittlelesshelpless.Alotlessalone.
“We?”Isaid,hearingthedoubtinmyvoice.ThereluctancetobelieveinwhatIwassaying.Thehopetoallowmyselfto.
AaronpinnedmewithalookIknewverywell.Thiswouldbethelasttimehe’dsaywhateverwasabouttoleavehislips.“I’mnotgoingtoforcethisonyou,Catalina.Notwhenthereissomethingthatyouarenottellingme.SomethingthatmadeyouchangeyourmindsodrasticallyafterJeff’sannouncement.”Heraisedahand,brushingthetopofhishairback,asifhewerereadyinghimselfforsomething.“Itoldyouwewouldtalk,andwedidn’t.That’sonme.Thereisanexplanation,butitdoesn’tmatterrightnow.”Heletthatsinkinforamoment.Anditdid.Itsanktothebottomofmystomach.“Wecanmakeitwork.We’llmakeitworkifthat’swhatyouwant.”Hepaused,andabreathgotstuckinmythroat.“I’llmakeitwork.”
Istaredintoblueeyesthatgleamedwithresolution.
Iwantedthat.Iwantedthistowork.Hehadbeenrightwhenhedeclaredhewasmybestoption.Becausehehadbeen.Evenbeforeallofthishappened.Butthingshadchangedafewdaysago.
Heisbeingpromoted.He’sbecomingmyboss.Thatisadeal-breaker.IlearnedmylessonwithDaniel.
Andnow,ithadallchangedagain.
Everyonebackhomewillbeexpectinghim.Nowmorethanever.It’stoolatetobackdown.
Perhaps…ifnoonefromworkeverfoundoutaboutourarrangement,there’dbenorisk.Noonehadareasontoevenimaginethatwewouldgoanywheretogether,muchlessallthewaytoSpainforawedding.Noonehadlearnedofthefundraiser.
Mymindkeptpicturingthesamescenariooverandoveragain.Fillingmewithdread.Me,landinginSpainwithnoonebymyside.Alone.Stuckinthepast.Smiledatwithpity.Glancedatwithsadness.Whisperedabout.
Myblooddippedtomyfeet,remindingmeofearlier,whenIhadalmostfainted.
“What’soptionA?”Iwhispered,exhaustedfromtryingtogettoaconclusiononmyown.“Yousaidwehavetwooptions.What’sthefirstone?”
Aaron’sexpressionassembledintoonethatwasallbusiness.“OptionAis,youflyhomealone.AsmuchasIadviseagainstit,itremainsanoption.”Hearingthatfromsomeonewhowasn’tmesentashivercrawlingdownmyarms.“Ihavenodoubtthatyouwillbefine.Butthatdoesn’tmeanit’syoureasiestrouteto…whateveryouwanttoaccomplish.”
“Idon’twanttoaccomplishanything.”
“That’ssomethingneitherofusbelieves.Butit’sokay.Eitherway,youdohaveasecondoption.AndunlikewithoptionA,ifyoudecidetogowithoptionB,youwon’tbeonyourown.You’dbebringingbackup.”Heplacedhispalmagainsthisbroadchest.“Me.Youknowbetterthanmostthatachallengingprojectneedstherightkindofbackingandsupporttosucceed.So,youtakeme,andI’lldoexactlythat.Youdon’thavetofaceanyonealone.Youaregivingthemexactlywhatyoupromisedtothem.”
Somethinglurchedagainstmyribs.AndIalmosthadtorubahandagainstmychesttoappeaseit.
“Bybringingmeasyourplus-oneandboyfriend,whichisapartofthiswholethingyouveryconvenientlyomittedtellingmeabout,youtackletheproblematthesource—showingupaloneandsingle.Aseasyasthat.”
AaronBlackfordhadimpeccablydeliveredhispitch.Straighttothedamnpoint.
“Easy?Youarecrazyifyouthinkthisisgoingtobeeasy,”Imurmured.“Ifyoucanbarelyputupwithmemostofthetime,imagineanarmyofLinasinallsizesandshapes.Forthreedaysstraight.”
“I’mprepared.”
Thequestionwas,wasI?WasIreallypreparedtotaketheleapandpotentiallyriskhistoryrepeatingitself?
ButthenAaronspokeagain,“I’veneverbeenscaredtoworkforsomething,Catalina.Evenwhenalloddsareagainstme.”
Thewaythosewordshitmewasclosetomakingmegaspforair.Asifthatstatementhadcarriedextraweightandtakenaswingatme.
I’mbeingstupid.
No.IwasdecidedlycrazyifwhatwasabouttoleavemylipswasanyindicationofthelevelofhowmuchIhadlostmywits.Buthell,itwasn’tlikeIhadn’tagreedtothisbefore.
“Okay,”Ipushedout.“Youhavebeenwarned—twice.Now,Iguessyouarereallystuckwiththis.Wearestuckwiththis,youandI.”
“Iwasn’ttheonecallingitoff,Catalina.”Hewasright;Icouldgivehimasmuch.Andthenhesaid,“Youwerealreadystuckwithme.”
Iavertedmyeyes,notwantingtoexposehowthatmademefeel.“Whateveryousay,Blackford.Ijusthopewedon’tscrewthisup.”
“Wewon’t,”hedeclaredfirmly.“OrareyouforgettingthatwhenIputmymindtosomething,Ineverfail?”
Iblinked,alittleterrifiedofthatlastdeclaration.Ohhell,itwouldtakeacertainlevelofconfidence,perhapsevenmadness,topullthisoffanyway.
IgnoringhowIcouldalmostfeelthereliefliftingsomeoftheweightoffmyshoulders,Ifinallyletmygazeroamoutsidethecar.
“Thisisnotmystreet.”Ididnotrecognizetheareawherewewereparked.“Wherearewe?”
“Pickingupdinner,”hesaid,pointingoutthewindowatafoodtruckcoveredinacolorfulpatternthatintertwinedluchadormaskswithfloralmotifs.“Thisplacehasthebestfishtacosinthecity.”
Mystomachgrumbledatthethoughtoffishtacos.Anytacoswouldobtainthatreaction,frankly.Butfishtacos?Theyweremyguiltypleasure.
“Fishtacos?”
Hisdarkeyebrowsknittogether.AndIwassohungrythatIcouldhavekissedthatfrown.“Youlikethem,”hestatedratherthanasked.
Idid.“Iactuallylovethem.”
Aaronnoddedasifhewantedtotellme,See?“YoumighthavegushedoverthemtoHéctoracouplehundredtimes,”Aaroncommentedcasually.TowhichIblinked.Acouplemilliontimesratherthanahundred.“Howmanywillyoutake?Myusualorderisthree.”
Hisusualorder?
“Threesoundsgood,”Iconfirmedratherabsentlywhilemymindwanderedaway,picturingAaroncominghereasaregular.Orderinghisthreetacos.Saucedrippingoffhisotherwisespotlessfingers.Perhapssomeoutofthecornerofhisotherwiseunamusedmouth.
Stopit,Lina,Iscoldedmyself.Tacosarenotsexy.Theyaremessyandsticky.
“I’llberightback,”hesaidasheunfastenedhisseatbelt.
Acoupleofsecondstoolate,myfingersworkedonmyownseatbeltwiththepurposeofmegoingwithhim.
“Don’t,”heorderedashethrewhisdooropen.“Stayinthecar.I’llbringthem.”
“Youdon’thavetomothermeorbuymedinner,Aaron,”Icomplained,notwantinghimtofeellikehehadtofeedmeorsomething.“Youhavedoneenoughalready.”
“IknowIdon’thaveto,”hesaid,slippingoutofthecar.Leaningdown,hisheadpeekedinside.“Iplannedoncomingheretonighteitherway.Youjusthappenedtobeinthecar,”heexplainedasifheknewIneededtohearit.Hewasn’twrong.“Andyoushouldeatsomething.It’llbeafewminutes.”
Givingup,Isighed.“Okay.”Fumblingwithmyfingersonmylapasheleanedawayfromthecar,Icalledforhimagain.Hestopped.“Makeitfourthen,”Irequestedwithasmallvoice.Farewell,stupidnon-diet.“Please.”
Aaronlookedatmeinsilenceforalongmoment.SolongthatIwonderedifIshouldn’thaveorderedanextrataco.Whenhefinallyspoke,hedidsoquietly,“Trynottofallasleepagain,okay?Ican’tpromisetherewillbeanyfoodleftwhen,orif,Ievermanagetowakeyouup.”
Myeyesnarrowed.“You’dbetternoteverdothat,Blackford,”IsaidundermybreathasecondafterhesmashedthecardoorclosedandcrossedthestreettotheMexicanfoodtruck.
Notmorethanthirtyminuteslater,IheldinmyhandsawarmtakeoutcontainerthatsmelledabsolutelyamazingasIshutmyapartmentdoorbehindme.Fivetacos—Aaronhadgottenmefiveandnotfour,likeIhadtoldhim.Withasideofricewithserranopepperstoo.Andhehadn’tletmepayforanyofit.
“Igotyou,”hehadsaid.
Afterthat,heproceededtosavehisnumberinmyphoneandaskedmetosendhimmyflightdetailsthemomentIgothome.Then,he’dmademepromiseI’deatandgotosleep.Asifthatwasn’texactlywhatIhadbeendyingtodo
So,withoutgivingintothepanicthatI’dsurelywakeuptomorrowin,Ididexactlyashehadsaid.
He.AaronBlackford.Mysoon-to-bebossandeven-sooner-to-befakedatetomysister’swedding.
Becausejustlikehehadsaid,hereallydidgetme.ChapterTwelve
Hourslefttoboardtheflighttowedding-doom:twenty-four.
Levelofanxiety:reachingemergencystatus.
Contingencyplan:triple-chocolatebrownie.Atruckloadofit.
Ifyesterdayhadtoldmeanything,itwasthatIhadbeenatotalidiot,cuttingonsomeofthethingsthatmademefeelhappy.Orattheveryleast,alittlelessbad.Iknewthatstuffingmymouthwithchocolatewasafarstretchfromsendingmyso-calleddietdownthedrain.Butwhatever.Iwasawomanofextremes.
AndthatwasexactlywhathadbroughtmetoMadisonAvenue.Morespecifically,totheonlyplaceinNewYorkCitythatheldthepowertoappeasetheragingbeastthatwasmyanxietyrightnow.
“Doyouwantyourordertogo,Lina?”Sallyaskedfromtheothersideofthecounter.“HowisRosie,bytheway?Isshenotjoiningyou?”
“Iwishshewere,butI’mflyingsolotoday.”
Lastnight,IhadbeenonthephonewithRosieforabouttwohours.TellingherwhatIwasabouttoembarkonhadn’tbeeneasy,andshemighthavesquealed—unnecessarily—andbuggedmewithmoreofthatstuffaboutheatedlooksbetweenAaronandmeshehadclearlybeenimagining,butitwasgood,havingmybestfriendbackonmyteam.EvenifthatwasTeamDeception.HavingherwaitinginNewYorkwhenIcamebackfrommytriptowedding-doomwithanunderstandingsmileandthepintoficecreamI’ddefinitelyneedwouldmeantheworld.
“Andno,thanks.I’llhavemycoffeeandbrowniehere.”Ipaused,reconsideringthat.“Brownies—makeittwo,please,”ItoldSallyasIfollowedherwithmygazefromthecountertotheespressomachine.“Icanindulge.Ihavethewholedaytoloungeandrelax.Itookthedayoffwork.”
Shemethodicallyweighedthecoffeebeans.“Oh,youmusthavereallymissedmeifyouarestickingaroundforsolong,”shecommentedasshesmiledatmeoverhershoulder.“NotthatI’dblameyou.Whowouldn’tmissme,right?”
Ichuckled.“OfcourseImissedyou.Youaremyfavoritebaristainthewholeworld.”Myeyeskepttrackingallhermovements;Iwasalreadysalivating
“Oh.Now,youaresayingthatonlybecauseIhavethegoods,butkeepgoing,please.”
Iwasreadytoadmitthatandperhapsaskhertomarryme,too,ifthatmeantanendlesssupplyoffreecoffeefortherestofmylife.Then,Isawhergazemovesomewherebehindmeasshepressedthebuttonsthatmadethecaffeinatedmagichappen.
AnappreciativegleamappearedinSally’seyes.
“Goodmorning,”shetoldwhoeverwasbehindme.Then,shegavemeamischievousglancebeforefocusingonhernewcustomeragain.“Sameasalways?Doubleespresso,nosugar?”Shepaused,andIfeltthenewcomerrightbehindme.
Ifrowned,somethingsoundingveryfamiliaraboutthatorder.Black,bitter,andsoulless,justlike—
“Comingrightup,Aaron.”
MyspinestiffenedasIkeptmyheadstraightaheadwhilemyeyeswidened.
“Thankyou,Sally.”
Thatvoice.Itbelongedtothemanwhowouldbeboardingaplanewithmetomorrow.TheonemanwhoIwouldbeintroducingtomyfamilyasmydearfakeboyfriend.
Turningslowlyinhisdirection,Iwaswelcomedbyapairofocean-blueeyes,wrappedinaseriousexpressionIknewverywell.Mymouthopened,butIdidn’tgetthechancetosayanything.
“It’sworsethanIthought,”hesaid,scanningmyfaceashislipspressedintoathinline.
“Excuseme?”Iscoffed,imitatinghimandgawkingathimupanddown.
“Youreyes.”Hepointedinthedirectionofmyhead.“Theylookhugeinyourface.Biggerthanusual.Areyousurecaffeineisagoodidea?Youseemalittlerattledalready.”
Myhugeandbiggerthanusualeyesnarrowed.“Rattled?”
“Yes.”Henoddednonchalantly.“Likeyou’llflipanymomentnow.”
Bitingbackacoupleofbadwords,Itookadeepbreathtostopmyselffromflipping—likehehadsaid—rightthereandthen.“Firstofall,Iamcalm.”Thatearnedmealookthattoldmehewasn’tbuyingit.“Yes.Notonlycalm,butalsoserene,mindyou.Justlikeoneofthosepondswherethewaterdoesn’tevenmove.”
Iturnedawayfromhim,takinginSally,whowasleaningagainstthecounter,chinrestingonthebackofherhand,engrossedinmyconversationwithAaron.“I’mstartingtomissyoulessandless,Sally,”Iquippedandwatchedhersmilewidenasshestraightened.IsentAaronaside-glance.“Aren’tyousupposedtobeatwork,Mr.Robot?Youknow,insteadofoutandabout,pointingouthowrattledrandomwomenlook?”
“Youarenotarandomwoman,”hecounteredcalmly,andthenheleanedonthecounter.Rightbesideme.“AndIwas,inthemorning.ButIhavetherestofthedayoff.”
“Avacation?”Igaspedtheatrically.“HellmusthavefrozenoverifAaronBlackfordtookadayoff.”
Henever,everdid.
“Halfday,”hecorrectedme.
Sallyplacedbothourordersonthecounter.Atthesametime.Whichstruckmeasodd,giventhatIhadplacedminemorethanafewminutesbeforeAaron.
Inarrowedmyeyesatthewomanasshegiftedmewithanangelicsmile.“Thereyougo,guys.Nothingbutthebestformyfavoritecustomers.Doubleespresso,nosugar.Andaflatwhite.”
ThatremindedmeofsomethingshehadsaidearlieraboutAaronhavingausualorder.
“Howoftendoyoucomehere,Aaron?”Iqueried.NotoftenifIhadneverstumbleduponhiminthepast,consideringhowreligiouslyIvisitedAroundtheCorner.“Howdoyouevenknowthisplace?”
TherewereGoogleMaps,Tripadvisor,TimeOut,andamillionothersitesthatcouldbebehindhisdiscovery.Andyet…
“Oftenenough,”heanswered,pullingouthiswalletfromhispocket.
Withmyeyesstillnarrowedandtrackinghowhislongfingersfumbledwithhiswallet,amemoryflashedinmymind.IhadtalkedtoAaronaboutAroundtheCorner.OrIhadbeentalkingtomyselfaboutitandAaronhadhappenedtohearit—whatever.ItwasthedayhehadshownupandhelpedmewiththeOpenDaystuff.Mybackstraightenedwiththerealization.
“What’ssosurprising,Catalina?Ipayattentionwhenyoutalk.Evenwhenyoumumbletoyourself.Whichyoudoveryoften.Buteveryonceinawhile,youdosaysomethinginteresting.”
“Areyouamindreaderorsomething?”
“Thankfullynot.I’dbeterrifiedtoknowwhatyouwerethinkingmostofthetime.”HestretchedhisarmandhandedhiscreditcardtoSally.“It’sonme.”
Okay.Firstofall,terrified?Andsecondofall,Imumbled?Often?
WatchingSallyasshetookthecreditcardsnappedmeoutofmystupidshock.
“Wait,”Iyelped.ThatgotbothSally’sandAaron’sattention.“Youdon’thavetopayformyorder.Ihavemyownmoney.”
“I’msureyoudo,butIwantto.”
“ButwhatifIdon’twantyouto?”Iargued.
Sally’sgazejumpedfrommetothemanbesideme.
Iturnedtoo,findingAaron’scalmexpression.
“Andisthereanyparticularreasonwhyyoudon’twantmeto,Catalina?Somethingtellsme,ifthiswereanyoneelse,youwouldn’tevenbataneyelashatgettingafreecoffeeandbrownie.”Heeyedthecounter.“Brownies.”
“Well,yes.Thereisareason,smart-ass.”Itookasteptowardhim.Asmallone.Iloweredmyvoice.“Ioweyouenoughasitis,andIamnottalkingjustaboutthefishtacosfromyesterday,okay?”Ourgazesmet.“Idon’tneedyoutoputmeintofurtherdebt.”
Ifthewayhisfacechangedwassomethingtogoby,thatlastpartofmystatementseemedtoreallybotherhim.
“Youdon’towemeasinglething,”hesaidwithascowl.“Mebuyingyouacoffee,tacos,oranythingforthatmatterdoesn’tputyouinmydebt.”Hisheadshook,afewoftheusuallyperfectly-in-placelocksofdarkhairbouncingandgrabbingmyattention.Thescowlfelloff,replacedbyasomewhat-distantlook.“Willyoueveracceptanythingfrommewithoutputtingupthisbigofafight?”
“That’s…”Itrailedoff,notknowingwhattotellhim.“That’snotaneasyquestiontoanswer,Blackford.”
Hetiltedhishead.“Isee.”
Then,heangledhislargebodytowardme,eatingabigchunkofthedistancethathadbeenseparatingus.Themotionhadbeenunexpected,andmybreathhitchedwithsurprise.Hyperawareofhowclosehehadcome,Istuttered.SuddenlynotknowingwhattosayorifIwasexpectedtosayanythingatall.
Aaron’sarmreachedout,thebacksofhisfingersgracingmytemple.Mylipsparted,tinglesspreadingdownmyskin.
Itwashimwholoweredhisvoicethen.“Alwaysfightingme.”
Ilookedupathishandsomeandsternface,hisassessingblueeyessurveyingmyreaction.
“Resistingme.”
Myhearttripped,makingmychestfeellikeIhadjustsprintedamileortwo.
Aaron’sheaddipped,hismouthcomingclosetowherehisfingershadbeenafewsecondsago.Almostascloseasithadbeenwhenwedanced.“It’slikeyouwantmetobeg.Isthatsomethingyou’denjoy?Mebegging?”Hisvoicesoundedso…intimate.Hushed.Butitwashisnextwordsthatscatteredmythoughtsallovertheplace.“Isthatwhatthisis?Youlikebringingmetomyknees?”
Whoa
Anextremelyfamiliarheatclimbedupmyneck,spreadingtomycheeks.Heatingmyskin.Then,itrushedbackallthewaydown,makingmewaytoowarminamatterofseconds.
Aaron’sgazeheldmineassomethingdippedinmybelly.“Letmetreatyou,okay?Iwantto.”
MylipsdriedandthenpressedtogetherasItriedtogetaholdofthechaosrushingthroughmymindandbody.
“Okay,”Ibreathedout,soundingallshakyandwrong.Iclearedmythroat.Twice.“Payformycoffee.I’mnotinterestedinyoubeggingorputtingonanykindofshowinthemiddleofthecoffeeshop.”Iclearedmythroatathirdtime,myvoicestillnotsoundingright.“So,please,payaway.”Ipaused,tryingtogetmybodybackontrack.“Andthanks.”
Aaronnodded,thestartofasatisfiedsmiletuggingatthecornersofhislips.“See?Itwasn’tallthathard,wasit?”hepointedout.Hislipsinchedfurtherup,lookingallsmugand—
Ohwait
Realizationdawned.“Youwere…”Icouldn’tbelievethis.Anyofthis.Myreactiontohim.Thefactthathehadjustmademe…hot,justforfunandgiggles.“Youwerejustmakingapoint.”
Hislipstwitched.“MaybeIwas,”Aaronsaid,finallysteppingoutofmypersonalspaceandturningaway.Helookedoveratme,thattugofhislipsstillup.“Areyoudisappointed,Catalina?”
Ican’tbelievethis
Andwhatwasworse,thisonlymeantthathewasawareoftheeffecthehadonme.Heknewwhathisproximitydidtomysenses.Tomybody.Andhehadjustusedittowinthisstupiddiscussion
Igapedathisprofileashebroughthismugtohislips,lookingallpleased.
“Youknowwhat,Aaron?”Ishruggedmyshoulders,fightingthesmilethatwantedtobreakacrossmyexpression.“Itrulyamdisappointed.”
“Youare?”Thatsmuglookfelloffhisface.
“Oh,somuch.AndyouknowwhatIdowhenthathappens?”IturnedtoSally.“Sally,I’llhaveoneofeverythingyouhaveondisplay.AndIchangedmymind.I’llgeteverythingtogo,please.”MylipsbrokeonwhatIhopedwasn’tanevilgrin.“Heinsistsonpaying.”IpointedatAaronwithmythumb.“So,please,lethimdothatbeforeherunsawayallyourcustomerswithIdon’tknowwhatanticsabouthimgettingonhisknees.”
“Oh,Iwouldn’twantthat,”Sallysaidwithawink.“Youdolikeourlemonbars.ShouldIputtwoinsteadofone?”sheaskedasshegrabbedoneofthebiggestcontainers.
Inodded.“Whatalovelyidea.Idolovethem,andwhynottwoblueberrymuffinstoo?Theylookfantasticfromhere.”
Aaronremainedbymysideashewitnessedmylittledisplay.“IfyouthinkI’mnotelatedtoseeyoueat,thenyoudon’tunderstandhowseriousIwasyesterday.”
Iignoredthewaythatmademefeel.
“ButIstillhopeyouaregoingtoshare.”
“Ithoughtyouweretreatingme,nottheotherwayaround.”Iturnedinhisdirectionagain,leaningmyhiponthecounterandplacingahandonmywaist.
IfIhadn’tknownhimanybetter,itwouldhavebeeneasytooverlooktheunfilteredamusementshininginhiseyes.Butitwasrightthere.
AndasIpeeredintothathandsomefaceIhaddespised—perhapsunfairly,okay,fine—soofteninthepast,ithitme.Iwasjustasamused,ifnotalittlemore.Andwedidnothaveonlythatincommon.Bothofusweredoinganawfuljobathidingittoo.
Butsomehow,forthefirsttimeinhistory,neitherofusseemedtocare.Wesimplycontinuedlookingateachotheraswestoodthere.Gazeslocked.BothofusfightingwhatIknewwerepettysmiles.Hidingouramusementlikeapairofstubbornidiots,waitingfortheothertobreakandgrinfirst.
“Allright.”Sally’svoicebrokethroughthespell,makingmeturnabruptly.Shewassmiling.Brightly.“Orderpackedandready.”
“Okay,thanks,”Imuttered.Withalittlebitofastruggle,Imanagedtogentlyhugeverythingtomychest.“Allright,Blackford.Thankyoutoo.Alwaysapleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.”
“Youreallyarenotgoingtoshare,areyou?”
“Nope.”
Westaredateachotherforalongmoment.
“I…”Hetrailedoff,lookinglikehewaschanginghismindaboutsomething.Myheartraced.“Idon’tlikerunningthroughtheterminal.So,trynottobelatetomorrow.It’snot—”
“Cute.Iknow,Blackford.Bye.”Then,Iturnedonmyheelsandwalkedaway.
First,he’dpersecutedmysweets,andnow,this.
Oneday,Iwasgoingtothrowsomethingatthatridiculouslysymmetricalfaceofhis.Itrulywas,butitwasnevergoingtobeabrownie.ChapterThirteen
Aaronwasneverlate.Hewasn’tprogrammedforthatkindofcarelessbehavior.
IknewbecauseIhadbeentryingtobepainfullyearlierthanhimtoeverysingleappointmentourcalendarshadincommonforalittlemorethanoneyearandeightmonths.Whichcouldonlymeanonething.Hewasn’tcoming.
Hehadseenreasonandrealizedhowludicrousourplanwas.
Myplan,whichhehadagreedto.
Orwasittheotherwayaround?Atthispoint,Ididn’tknowanymore.
Notthatitmatteredifhewasn’tcoming.
BecausethatwastheonlyreasonableexplanationastowhyIfoundmyselfinthemiddleoftheDeparturesterminal,underthehugepanelthatdisplayedthestatusandtimesofalltheoutgoingflights,coldsweatrunningdownmybackandnoonebymyside.Atleast,notthesurlyblue-eyedmanwhoshouldhavebeenhererightaboutnow.
Gazeroamingaround,Iletthatsinkin.
Iamonmyown
Awaveofsheerpaniccurleditswaydownmyspine.Somethingelsetoo.
Somethingthattastedalotlikebetrayal.Whichdidn’tmakesensereally.WhenitcametoAaron,Iwasn’tentitledtofeelbetrayed.Orabandoned.Ialsodidn’twantthoseemotionswreakinghavocinmyhead.Ormychest.NotwhenIwasmorethanabletounderstandwhyhewouldgetcoldfeet.
Thiswholethingwascrazyanyway.Totalnonsense.So,whywouldhegothroughwiththeinsaneplanIhadconcocted?
MyeyeslandedonthesuitcaseandtheweekenderbagpooledatmyfeetasItriedreallyhardtoshoveawaythewayIwasfeeling.
Youarefine,Itoldmyself.Ignorethatstupid,crushingsensationyouhavenobusinessfeelingandgocheckinyourbags
ThelastthingIwantedtodowasboardthatplanealone,butIwoulddoit.Iwouldfacemyfamily—andDanielandhisfiancéeandthepastIhadleftbehind—andtheconsequencesofmyliewithmyheadheldhigh.AndI’ddoitonmyownasmuchasIhadallowedmyselfinthelastforty-eighthourstotrustI’dbedoingitwithsomeonebymyside.
Dios.HowhadIletthishappen?HowhadAaronBlackfordmadehimselfindispensableinmylife?
Bracingmyhandsonmyhips,IremainedwhereIwasforwhatIpromisedmyselfwouldbeonelastminute.Andjusttobethorough,IvowedtomyselfagainthatI’dbefine.
Thepressurebuildingbehindmyeyes?Nerves.Goinghomehadalwaysfilledmewithequalpartsofjoyandremorse.Withasmuchnostalgiaasthepainthatcamewiththememories.ThatwaswhyIdidn’tgobackallthatoften.
Butthatdidnotmatter.Iwasabiggirl.BeforeAaron,theplanhadalwaysbeentodothisonmyown,sothatwaswhatI’dbedoing.
Withoneshakyexhale,Iemptiedmyheadandchestfromeverythoughtandfleetingemotion,andIletmyarmsdropfrommyhipsasIreachedformybags.
YaestábienTimetogo.Hellwaitsforno—
“Catalina,”adeepvoiceI’dthoughtI’dneverbeglad—notjustglad,butalsorelieved,happy,freakingelated—tohearsaidbehindme.
Closingmyeyes,IgavemyselfamomenttogetridoftheswirlofoverjoyedandinappropriateemotionsIhadunsuccessfullytriedtopushawaylessthanaheartbeatago.
Aaronishere.Hecame
Swallowinghard,Ipressedmylipstogether.
I’mnotalone.Heishere.
“Catalina?”hecalledonemoretime.
Turningveryslowly,Icouldn’tstopmymouthfromfinallyshapingintowhatIknewwasawobblysmile.Onethatprobablygaveawayeverysingleemotionfightingtoburstoutofme.
Aaron’sfrownwelcomedme,andIsworeIhadneverbeensohappytoseethatstubbornknotthatwrinkledhisbrowstogether.
Hecame,hecame,hecame.
Hetiltedhishead.“Areyouo—”
Beforehecouldfinishformulatingthatquestion,Ilandedonhischestwithanoomph.Then,IwrappedmyarmsaroundhimthebestIcould.“Youcame.”Thewordsweremuffledagainstthesoftfabricofwhateverhewaswearing.Hischestwaswarmandwideandsnuggly,andforasecond,Ididn’twanttogiveadamnabouthowIhadplunkedmyselfontohimorhowembarrassedI’dbeaboutitlater.
Becauseforbetterorforworse,IwashuggingAaron.
Andhe…hewasn’treturningtheembrace,buthewaslettingme.Withhisarmshangingonhissides,justwheretheyhadbeenwhenIlaunchedmyselfathim.Hischestwasn’tmovingmucheither.Itfeltalotlikehuggingamarblesculpture,unyieldingandhardenedundermycheek,onlythatitpoundedwithaheartbeat.ThelatterbeingtheonlysignthatIhadnotshockedhimintocardiacarrest.
Becausebesidesthat,Aaronremainedcompletelystill.
Takingonestepbackveryslowly,Igazedup.
Okay,sohelookedlikeastatuetoo.PerhapsIhadbrokenhimwithmyhug.
Thatwouldexplainwhyhewasbarelyblinkingashestaredatmeforalongmoment.
Timeinwhichthelastminutestartedsettlingin.Desperately,Isearchedmymindforsomethingtosay,anythingtoexcusemybriefandtemporarymadnessthathadresultedinmelaunchingmybodyathis.Icameupempty.
Hefinallybrokethesilence.“YouthoughtIwasn’tcoming.”
Apartofmedidn’twanttoadmitit.Evenwhenitwasprettyobvious.
Aaroncontinued,accusationinhisvoice,“YouhuggedmebecauseyouthoughtIwasn’tcoming.”Hisgazewassearching.Asifhecouldn’tbelieveorunderstandwhathadjusthappened.“You’veneverhuggedmebefore.”
Isteppedfurtherback,fumblingwithmyhandsandfeelingalittleoverwhelmedbythewayhewaslookingatme.“Idon’tthinkitcomputesasahugwhenoneofthepartiesremainslikeawoodenstick,CaptainNotSoObvious.”Idecidedrightthenthatinmyhead,ithadn’tbeenahug.“Plus,youwerelate,andyouneverare,sowhatdidyouexpectmetothink?”
AsIbackedawaysomemore,puttingtherightamountofspacebetweenourbodies,mygazefinallymanagedtotakehimincompletely.Fromheadtotoe.And…yeah,fromtoetoheadtoo.BecausethesoftfabricthathadbeenpressedbeneathmycheekamomentagowasaplainwhitecottonT-shirt.Andthelegsthathadremainedunmovableundermyhugattackwerecladinfadedjeans.Andthe—
Arethosetennisshoesonhisfeet?
Yes,theytotallywere.
IhadnoideawhatIhadexpectedhimtowear,butitsurelywasn’tthat.Ihadn’tbeenpreparedfortheimageofAaronstandinginfrontofmeinsomethingthatwasn’tthelong-sleevedbutton-downshirttuckedinhisdresspantsthatIknewhimin.
Aaronlookedrelaxed.Normal.Notlikethealoofstainlesssteel–workingmachineIwasaroundatwork.Theonethatscreamedatyoutokeepyourdistance.
No.Ironically,whatIwantedwastopressmycheekagainsthischestagain.Whichwasabsolutelyridiculous.Anddangeroustoo.ThisnewversionofAaronwasjustasdangerousastheonethatsmiledandlaughed.BecauseIlikedit.Alittletoomuchforthewell-beingofourplan.Ormine.
“Catalina,”Aaroncalled,forcingmygazetoreturntohisface.
Cheeksheating,IpretendedIhadn’tbeenoglinghim.AndappreciatingwhatIogled.
“Yes?”
“Iaskedifyouweredonewiththat?”
Mierda.“Donewithwhatexactly?”Iscratchedthesideofmyneck,tryingtoconcealmyembarrassment.
“Panicking.Aboutmenotcoming.Areyoufinallydonewiththat?BecauseIamherenow,justhowIsaidIwouldbe.AndIwasn’tlate.Youjusthappenedtobeshockinglyearly.”Hetiltedhisheadslightlyandthenadded,“Foronce.”
Eyesnarrowed,Icheckedthetimeonmyphone.“Fine,youmightberight.”Ireturnedmygazetohis.“Foronce.”
Therightcornerofhislipstippedup.“Good.So,nowthatwehaveestablishedthat,”hestarted,andIdidnotlikeonesinglebithowsmughelookedallofasudden,“doyouthinkyouaredonelookingatmelikeIhavegrownasecondheadtoo?BecauseI’dliketogetgoing.”
Busted.“Yep,”Isquaredmyshoulders.“Donewiththattoo.”Ireachedforthehandleofmycarry-onsuitcase.“Ijustdidn’tknowyouownednormalclothes.”
Aaroncockedabrow.
Mytreacherouseyesswepthimheadtotoeagain.Dammit,helookedreally,reallygood,allcozyandcomfy.
Ishookmyhead.“Comeon,Mr.Robot.Wehavebagstocheckin,”Itoldhim,forcingmyeyesaway.“Nowthatyouarehereandall.”
Reachingfortheweekenderbag—whichwasfilledtothebrim—Ilifteditoffthefloor,hungitoffmyshoulder,andtriedtowalkwithasmuchgraceasIcouldwhileprobablylookingalittlebitlikeanoverloadedSherpa.
Inonelongstride,Aaroncaughtupwithme.Iwatchedhiseyebrowriseashegavemeasidewaysglance.“HowlongareyouplanningonstayinginSpain?”Heeyedmytwopiecesofbiggerthanstrictlynecessaryluggage.“Ithoughtwe’dbeflyingbackonMonday.”
“Andweare.”
Eyeswide,Aaronmadeashowoutoflookingmeandmyluggageupanddown.“That’showyoupackforthreedays?”
IquickenedmypacewhileItriedreallyhardnottoassplantontheterminal’spolishedfloorundertheweightofthebagonmyshoulder.“Yes.Whydoyouask?”
Insteadofanswering,hishandonmyarmstoppedmycourse.Withoutgivingmeachancetocomplain,hedelicatelysnaggedmybagandplaceditonhisshoulder.
ThephysicalreliefwassoimmediatethatIhadtostopmyselffrommoaninginresponse.
“Jesus,Catalina,”hehuffed,lookingbackatme,horrified.“Whatareyoucarryinginhere?Adeadbody?”
“Hey,thisisnotaregularweekendvisittothefam,okay?Stopluggage-shamingme,”Isaidtothescowlingmanwalkingbesideme.“Ihadtofitloadsofstuff.Makeup,accessories,hairdryer,hairstraightener,mygoodconditioner,lotion,allthedressesI’mtaking,sixpairsofshoes—”
“Sixpairsofshoes?”Aaroncroaked,scowlingevenharder.
“Yes,”Iansweredquickly,mygazehuntingfortherightcheck-incounter.“OneforeachofthethreedifferentoutfitsIneed,plusthepertinentthreebackups.”Ipaused,thinkingofsomething.“Pleasetellmeyoupackedatleastonebackup.”
Aaronrearrangedmybagonhisshoulder,shakinghisheadatthesametime.“No,Ididn’t.ButI’llbefine.You,ontheotherhand…”Anothershakeofhishead.“Youare—”
“Brilliant?”Ifinishedforhim.“Astute?Giftedintheartofpacking?Iknow.AndIhopeyouhaveenoughclothesinthattinysuitcaseyouarecarrying.”
“Ridiculous,”hemurmured.“Youarearidiculouswoman.”
“We’llseewho’stheridiculousonewhensomethingaccidentallyhappenstoyourshirt,tie,orsuit,andyouhavetowearoneofmydressestothewedding.”
Agruntreachedmyears.“Sixpairsofshoes,”thescowlingmanincasualwearmuttered.“Ridiculouswomanpackingherownweightinclothes.”Hewenton,almosttoolowformetomakeout
“Ifit’stooheavyforyou,youcangiveitback.Iwasdoingfinemyself.”
Hisheadshotinmydirection,givingmealookthattoldmethatwasn’tanoption.
Sighing,Iacceptedthehelp.“Thankyou,Blackford.That’sverykindofyou.”
“Andyouwerenotdoingfine,”hecounteredback,makingmewanttotakebackmythank-you.“Youcouldhavehurtyourself.”
Aaronveeredfortheleft,andIfinallytrackeddownthecountersmatchingtheairlinewewereflyingwith.
Ifollowedhim.“Iappreciatetheconcern,BigA.ButI’vegotmyownsetofmuscles.”
Hebrushedovermyuseofhisnickname.“Ofcourse.Youhavetobestubbornontopofridiculous,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.
Ihadtohidemysmile.“Saidthekettletothepot.”
Withalastsidewaysglance,Aaronspedout,lettinghislonglegscarryhimawaywithhissmallandreasonablesuitcaseandmyridiculouslybrimmingbagoffhisshoulder.
Frommypositionacoupleofstepsbehindhim,Ihadnochoicebuttoletmygazetraveldownhisbackside.Anot-too-smallandcertainlynot-very-quietpartofmewasalittleinawebyhowhisjeanshuggedthosemuscledthighs,whichhadoncepropelledhimacrossafootballfield.Thatsamepartgotalittlelouderwhenmyeyestrailedup,catchinghowhisbiceps,whichIknewhadcarriedabrownmelonlikeleatherballacrossthatverysamefield,werebunchedashisarmheldtheweightofmybag.
Ugh.ItwasterriblydisturbinghowdistractingAaron’sbacksidewasnowthatIknewmoreofhim.NowthatIknewallthesetinylittlepiecesofhislife.
TheonesIhadfoundoutaboutthenightofthefundraiser,sure.ButalsothoseIhaddugupwhenIGoogledhim.
Yes,Ihadfallenpreytomycuriosity.Butjustonce.Ihadallowedmyselftodothatonesingletime.
Andthatlevelofself-restrainthadn’tbeeneasytoaccomplish.AtleastnotconsideringhoweverythingoutofmylittleGooglerendezvoushadbeenstuckinthebackofmyheadeversinceIindulged.DemandingtobeacknowledgedmoreoftenthanIwasreadytoadmit.
MymindseemedeageronnotlettinggoofthepicturesofayoungerversionofAaron—justasstoic,hisshouldersaswide,andhisjawjustashard—dressedinapurple-and-goldenuniformthatmademyheartrategrowalittlequicker,onlythinkingaboutit.Ortheheadlinesproclaimingthathehadbeenaknownnamebackinthatday.ButwhatI’dhadmoretroubleforgettingwerethearticles—andtherehadbeenmorethanacoupledozen—praisinghisperformanceandforeshadowingtheplayerhewouldbecome.Buthadn’t.
So,whyhadn’the?Whydidthepresscoverageofhisfootballcareergoforafewyearsandthenstopaltogether?
ThatwassomethingIhadn’tmanagedtofind.
Anditonlyfueledmyitchtoknowmore.TolearnmoreaboutthismanIhadthoughtIhadallpiecedtogetherbutthatIwaslearningIcouldn’thavebeenanymorewrongabout.
Asifoncue,Aaronlookedbackatme.Hisbrowsroseonhisforehead.“Issomethingwrong?”
Caughtalittleoffguard,Ijustshookmyhead.
“Then,comeon.Atthispace,wewillnevermakeittoSpain.”
“IfonlyIweresolucky,”Imumbled.ButthenIshotforward,walkinguntilcatchingupwithhim.
Onceagain,Aaronwasright.
Thereweremorepressingconcernstooccupymymindwith.
Liketheplanewewouldbeboardinginlessthanahandfulofhours.
Orthefactthatoncewedid,therewasnoturningback.
Becauseweweredoingthis.Wewerereallydoingit,andwehadtoaceit.
BythetimewelandedinSpain,myfamilyneededtobelievethatAaronandIwerehappily—heartsbursting,birdschirping,andflowersblooming—inlove.Orattheveryleast,thatwecouldstandeachotherformorethantenminuteswithoutcausinganinternationalwartoerupt.
AndasmuchasIhadnocluehowwewouldevermanagetodothat,Iwassureofsomething.We,AaronandI,wouldfigureitout.
Wehadto.ChapterFourteen
“Andyousaidthedessertswerenothingtowritehomeabout.Well,thischocolatecaketellsadifferentstory,pal,”Italkedovermysurprisinglyamazingin-flightdessert.“DoyouthinkIcouldaskforanotherserving?”Ihummedinpleasure.
Heck,itwassogoodthatIwasn’tevenashamedtodothat.
NotevenwithAaronoccupyingthelushfirst-classseatbesideme.Ohyeah,because,apparently,Iflewinfirstclassnow.Istillhadn’tfiguredoutexactlyhowIhadlethimask—orratherdemand—foranupgradeofmyeconomyseatwithoutevenputtingupafight.ButIknewithadincludedhimthrowinganarmovermyshouldersandutteringthewordgirlfriend.Which,inhindsight,Iknewithadblindsidedmeenoughtosomehownodlikeafoolandplacemypassportonthecheck-incounter.
Heloweredthenewspaperhehadbeenhidingbehindandrevealedacockedeyebrow.“Pal?”
“Silence.I’mhavingamomentwithmycake.”
Hesighedandreturnedtohisreading.
Holdingmyspoonintheair,Ihesitatedbeforetakingittomymouth.“Youdidn’thavetodothat,youknow?Payingfortheupgradeofmyticketsistoomuch.”
Iheardanoncommittalgruntcomefromhim.
“I’mserious,Aaron.”
“Ithoughtyouwantedtoeatinsilence.”
“I’llgiveyoubackthemoneywhenwereturnfromthetrip.Youaredoingenoughasitis.”
Aaron’ssighfollowedmywordsalmostimmediately.“There’snoneed.I’mamemberoftheairline’sSkyClub,andIhaveplentyofmiles,”heexplainedasIfinallytookthatlastbiteofchocolateheaven.“AndasItoldyou,thisistimewecanusetoprep.”
WhenIfinallydevouredwhathadjustbecomethehighlightofmyday,Iwipedmymouthwiththenapkin,placeditbackonthetrayinfrontofme,andturnedtoAaron.“Whichremindsme,breakisover.”
Heignoredme.
Ipokedthebackofthenewspaperwithmyindexfinger.“Wehavetogetbacktowork.Comeon.”Anotherpoke.“Timetoprep.”
“Doyouhavetodothat?”Aaronpleadedfrombehindit.
“Yes.”Ipokedthenewspaperafewtimes,makingitimpossibleforhimtokeepreading.“Ineedyourfullattention.Wehaveonlygonethroughafewofmyfamilymembers,andwearerunningoutoftime.”Ituggedatoneofthecorners.“DoIhaveyourattention?”
“Youdon’tneedtodoanyofthat.”Heloweredthelargeblack-and-white-coloredpageswithabriskmotion.“Youalwayshavemyundividedattention,Catalina.”
Thatmademyfingerhaltintheair.
“Ha.”Inarrowedmyeyes.“Cuteofyoutotrytobuymewithcheaptricks.”IleveledhimwithwhatIhopedwasaseriouslook.“Don’tthinkyouaregoingtogetoutofit,sweet-talkingmeintoleavingyoualone.TheinternationalrelationshipsoftheUnitedStatesofAmericaarenotimportantrightnow.”
Withareluctantnod,Aaronfoldeditmeticulouslyandsetitontopofhistray.“Allright,”hesaid,blueeyesfocusingcompletelyonme.“Nodistractions.I’mallyours.”
Allyours.
Mybreathgotstucksomewherebetweenmylungsandmouth.“Groomandbride?”Imanagedtogetout.
“GonzaloandIsabel.”Herolledhiseyes,asifIcoulddobetterattestinghim.
Challengingme.
“Trioofcousins,whoyouwillnotlistentoawordthatleavestheirlips?”Ipausedandthentiltedmyhead.“Especiallyifitstartswith,Hey,doyouwanttohearsomethingfunny?”
“ThatwouldbeLucas,Matías,andAdrián.”
Hehadn’thesitated.Well,good.Thosesavagesweredangerous;youneverknewwhatwouldcomeoutoftheirmouths.Orthemingeneral.
“Parentsofthebrideandyoursupposedlyfutureparents-in-lawifyouwereseriousaboutme,whichyoutotallyare?”
“CristinaandJavier,”heansweredimmediately.“Ishouldbepolitebutaddressthembytheirfirstname,ortheywillbeoffendedandthinkI’mapretentiousass.”Aaronpausedafterrepeatingmyearlierwordsexactly.Headjustedhisbigbodyinthemorethanspaciousseat,makingitlooksmallerandcramped.“JavierisauniversityHistoryprofessorandspeaksEnglishfluently.Cristinaisanurse,andherEnglishis…justnotasgood.However,sheistheoneIshouldbemorewaryof.Evenwhenitlookslikeshedoesn’tunderstandme,chancesare,sheisstillweighingmyeveryword.”
Inodded,secretlyimpressed.Hewasacingallmyquestions—forthesecondtime.NotthatIwassurprised.Hehadproveninthepastthathisdeterminationknewnolimitswhenitcametosuccess,nomatterthetask.Aarondidn’thalf-assthings;hedeliveredthebestresults.Always.
Good.HewasgoingtoneedallhisdeterminationwiththeMartínfamilyandtherestoftheweddingparty.
Butthatdidn’tmeanIwascompletelysatisfied.Notyet.
“Parentsofthegroom?”
“JuaniandManuel,”Aaronshotbackquickly.
Noddingmyhead,Iwatchedhismouthopen,knowingwhatwasgoingtoleaveoutofitbeforeitdid.Thoseweretheparentsofthegroom’sbrothertoo.Whowasmyex.
“Okay,nextquestion,”Irushedout.“CousinwhoyoumustavoidatallcostsunlessIamwithyoutocontrolthesituation?”Turninginmyseat,Isatontopofoneofmylegsandfacedhimcompletely.
Inanattempttoseehowheworkedunderpressure,Ischooledmyfacewithmymostassertiveexpression.
Aaron’sjawtwitched,andhelookeddistracted.
Dammit.Washehesitating?Hecouldn’t.
Anobjectionwasabouttoleavemylipswhenherecovered,beatingmetospeak.“Charo.”ThenameofmycousinsoundeddifferentfromAaron’slips,thewordadornedwithhisstrongAmericanaccent.
AndIwouldhaveinstantlycriticizedhispronunciation,ifnotforwhathedidnextandtheshockthatitinducedinmybody.
Hisarmroseintheair,hisbighandreachingformyfaceveryslowly.Myeyesbouncedfromthathandtohisface,findinghisgazefixatedsomewheretotherightofmylips.Andthen,beforeIcouldstopwhatwasabouttohappen,histhumbmadecontactwithmyskin.Verysoftly.
Hewasbrushingmycheek.Veryclosetomymouth.
Allandeverycomplaintdiedandwentuptoheaventhemomenthisfingerswipedovermyskin.
Hestartedtalkingagain,lookingengrossedbythemotionofhisthumb.“Charo,”herepeateddistractedly.
WhileI…Isimplyremainedfrozeninplace.Feelinghowthatsimplecontactagainstmyskinseemedtoawakenlittlefiresallacrossmybody.
“YousaidImustrunawayfromared-hairedwomanwithinquisitivegreeneyesandlittletonoshame.AndthatwouldbeCharo.”
HowsuchagentlecontactcouldscorchmyskinsoeffectivelywassomethingthatI…couldn’tunderstand.Mylipsparted,ashakybreathleavingthem.
OnlythendidAaron’seyeslookupandmeetmine.
Mybloodswirled,risingtomyneck,mycheeks,mytemples.SpreadingoutasIheldhisgaze,theblueinhiseyesturningalittledarker.
WhenAaronlookedaway,justasheretrievedhisthumb,Ifeltmyselfrelax.Butitwasshort-livedbecauseassoonasmygazefelldownandfoundhishandasithoveredintheair,Idiscoveredwithhorrorthattherewasasmudgeofchocolateonhisthumb.
Bothofwhichhadbeenonmyfacelessthanacoupleofsecondsago.
OhLord
Andyet,whatalmostknockedmeoffmyseatandtothecarpetedflooroftheaircraftturnedouttobesomethingelseentirely.NottheknowledgeoflearningIhadbeentalkingforasmalleternitywithcakehangingfrommyface.Nope.OrtheknowledgeIhaddonethatinfrontofAaron,whowouldprobablyusethatagainstmeinthefuture.No.Whatalmostknockedmeonmyass,ifnotfortheseatbelt,wasAaronleadinghisfingertohismouth,partingthoselipsthatweresooftenpressedinanunamusedline,andwipingthechocolatecleanoffhisthumb.
Chocolatethathehadjustretrievedfromthecornerofmymouth.
AriotofemotionsburstinsidemybellyasIwatchedhisthroatgulpitdown,appreciationflashingthroughhisface.
AndI…holyshit.Ijuststaredathim,completely…enraptured.Utterlyshocked.
Ishouldhavebeenappalled.ButIwasn’t.MybrowneyeswerenowfixatedonAaron’smouth,noticinghowalltheheatthatI’dfeltinmyfacetraveledaroundmybodytoallkindsofinterestingplaces,allthewhilekeepingmyeyeswheretheywere.Onhislips.
Outofmyperipheralvision,ImadeouthowAaroncleanedhishandmethodicallyonthenapkinthatrestedonmytray.
“Youwereright;thecakewasthatgood.”Heclearedhisthroat,asifnothinghadhappened.“AsIwassaying,weshouldavoidyourcousinCharo.”
Whenmygazesomehowmanagedtomakeitbacktohiseyes,Ifeltallkindsofhot,bothered,andweird
“YoustressedhowimportantitisthatCharodoesn’tsuspectus.Ourdeal.”
Barelylisteningtowhathewassaying,Iwatchedhishandliftintheairagain.Then,histhumbwasbrushingthecommissureofmylipsonemoretime.Thistime,feelingtwiceasintensely.Histouchtwiceasgentle.Myeyesflutteredclosedforaninstant.
“Ithinkyougotallthechocolate.”MyvoicewassobreathythatIbarelyrecognizedit.“Thanks.”
“Justwantedtobethorough,”heansweredquietlyashisgazebouncedfromthatgoddamnspotclosetothecornerofmylipstomyeyes.“Nextquestion?”
“Bestman?”
Isquirmedinmyseat,uneasinessreplacingalltheearliertinglywarmth.Perhapsbecausethatwasatopicthatdidn’twakeupthefuzziestoffeelingsinme.OrmaybebecauseofhowunsettledIwasbywhathadjusthappened.Icouldn’tbesure,butIheldmybreathasIwaitedforhisanswer.
“Daniel.”Aaron’sgazeheldmine,amuscleinhisjawjumping.“He’syourexandthegroom’sbrother.”
Inoddedmyheadonce,unabletodomuchmorethanthat.
Aaronrearrangedhimselfintheseat,dippinghisheadsowewereateye-level.“Youhaven’tsaidmuchelseabouthim.Isthereanythingbesidesthat,thatIshouldknow?”
Heregardedmequietly,almostexpectantly,andIcouldreallytellIhadallhisundividedattention.Justhowhehadsaidearlier.Althoughthistime,itwasn’tatrick.Theneedtoopenuptohimandtellhimeverythingmanifesteditself,makingmedoubtmyself.
“No.That’sall.”Ishiftedinmyseat,loweringmygazetohishands,whichwererestingonhislap.“He’smyexandGonzalo’solderbrotherbyafewyears.Isabelandhimmetthroughus,whenwestarteddating.And…that’saboutit.”
IfIweresmarter,I’dtellAaronthewholestory.
Butasoflately,I’dseemedtoexcelatmakingonlystupiddecisions.So,thatwasallIgavehim.
Inmydefense,facingthecatalystofmycurrentpredicamentwasgoingtobehardenough.IdidnotwanttospendmytimetalkingaboutDanielbecausethatmeantgoingbackdownmemorylane,whichhadconsistedofbaddecisionsandheartbreak.
So,no,itwasn’tsomethingIwashappytocasuallychataboutregardlessofhowcrucialitwasfortheshowwewereabouttoputon.EvenifapartofmerefusedtoacknowledgejusthowsmallIwouldfeel,showingAaronthatpieceofmyself,andevenwhenIknewthatIwaslyingtohim.Lyingagain.Itwasaliebyomission,sure,butithadthepotentialtobitemeintheasslater.Justlikeanyliewould.
“Youcantrustme,”hesaidsoftly
MaybeIcould.Butthatdidn’tmeantrustingAaronwiththatwouldevercomeeasytome.Thatfragmentofmylifehadbeenlockedupforalongtime—perhapssolongthatchanceswere,thelockhadgrownrustyandwitheredandtherewasnoworkingitbackopen.ThatwouldexplainhowIhadgottenhere.SomewhereacrosstheAtlanticOcean,sittingnexttoamanIusuallystruggledtosharethesameairwithwithoutwantingtothrowsomethingathishardhead,butwhohadsomehowhappenedtobetheonemaninNewYorkCityinthepositiontofillinasmymade-upboyfriend.
“What’smyabuela’sname?”Ikeptmygazelow,anywherebutonhisface.Ididn’tthinkIwantedtogetasingleclueastowhathewasfeelingatthatmoment.Ididn’tthinkitwouldmakemefeelgood.
“Catalina,”Aaronsaidmynamewithsomethingthatsoundedalotlikepity.
Ihatedit.“Incorrect,”Isnapped.“Myabuela’snameisnotCatalina,Aaron.Youneedtoknowthenameofmyonlylivinggrandmother.”
Iwasdeflecting,butthatdidn’tchangethefacts.Hereallyhadtoknowthenameofmyabuela
“So?”Ipressed.“What’smyabuela’sname?”
Aarondroppedhisheadontheplushheadrest,closinghiseyesforasecond.“Yourabuela’snameisMaría,andshedoesn’tspeakonewordofEnglish,whichshouldn’ttrickmeintothinkingthatsheisharmless.Ifbyanychancesheshovesfoodinmydirection,I’mtokeepmymouthshutandeat.”Aaron’swordsrolledoffhistongue,asifhehadbeenpracticingthisspeechforweeks.
“Impressive.”Inoddedmyhead.
Hetookadeepbreathandlookedatme,pleading.“Wehavegonethroughthisathousandtimes,andyouaregivingmeaheadache.”Hiseyebrowsknit.“Youneedtorelax.Ineedtorest.Let’sdothat.Doyouthinkyoucanbequietforafewhours?”
“Firstofall,itwasonlythreetimes.”Ishowedhimwithmyfingers,justtobethorough.“Andwearenotevendonewiththelastroundofquestions.Andsecondly,Iamcompletelyandabsolutelyrelaxed.Iamcoolerthanacucumber,Blackford.Ijustwanttobesurethatyoudon’tscrewupandmixupbasicinfo.Youaremyboyfriend—”Istoppedmyself,hearingwhathadjustleftmymouth.“ThatisthepartyouwillplayinthiswholeSpanishlovedeception.Mymade-upboyfriend.So,youshouldatleastknowthenamesofmyimmediatefamily,sonoonecansniffthatyouandIarenotarealthing.Andtrustme,they’llknowifyousomuchashesitate.”
Thatearnedmeascowl.
“Yes.Donotlookatmelikethat,”Itoldhim,pointingmyfingerathisfrown.“InSpain,cousinsandsecondcousinsareimmediatefamilytoo,okay?Samegoesforuncles,aunts,andgreat-unclesandgreat-aunts.Sometimes,neighborstoo.”Ipausedinthought.“Oh,maybeweshouldgooverthephysicaldescriptionsagain—”
“No,”Aaroncutoffmysuggestion,hisvoicesoundingmorefrustratedbythesecond.“Whatweneedtodoisrest.Andifyoudon’twanttodothat,thenyoushouldletmerest.Doyouwantmetobeallgrumpywhenweland?”
“Youarealwaysgrumpy.”
Hisscowldeepened.“DoyouwantmetobesotiredthatI’llbeextragrumpyandmakeabadimpression?”
“Isthatathreat?”Agaspleftmylips.
“No,”hesaid,takenabackbymyaccusation.“Butit’sapossibleoutcomeifyoudon’tletmesleep.”
“Butitwillbejustonemoretime.Itcanbequick.Justfirstcousins?”Ibargainedwithapout.
Aaronsigheddramatically.
“Ormaybeweshouldgooverbasicstuff,likemyfavoritecolor,themoviethatmakesmecry,orwhatI’mmostafraidof.”
Aarondeflatedinhisseat.
Iopenedmymouth,butAaroncuttheairwithhishand,stoppingme.“Coral.P.S.ILoveYou.Andsnakesoranythingthatlooksremotelylikeone.”
Well,that…wasonehundredpercentcorrect.
Then,heclosedhiseyes,shuttingofftheworld.Andme.
Renderedspeechless,Irestedmyheadontheseat,imitatinghim,asItoldmyselfIdidn’twanttothinkabouthowhehadbeenright.Onallofthosethreethings.Butthesilenceonlyturnedeveryotherthoughtandworryinmyheadlouderandlouder.
Thatearlieremotionwasback,makingmefeelsquirmyandnervousandcausingmetolosecontrolofthelittlerestraintIusuallytriedtokeepuparoundAaron.
“Ijustwanttomakesureeverythinggoesperfectly.”Myvoicecameoutweak.“I’msorryifIamgivingyouaheadache.”
AaronmusthaveheardsomethinginmyconfessionevenifIwasn’tsuremywordshadbeenloudenoughtoreachhimoverthebuzzfillingthecabin.
Hiseyessnappedopen,andhisheadturnedinmydirection.“WhyareyousosureIwillmessup?”
Thatquestionseemedsincere.Andthatonlymadetheknotinmychestgrow.
DidhethinkallIworriedaboutwashimfailingatrememberingmytía-abuela’sname?
Therealimpostorwasme,nothim.“It’snotthat.”Ishookmyhead,unabletofindtherightwords.“I…IwantthemtobelieveIamhappy.”
“Areyounothappy,Catalina?”HisgazesearchedminewiththatintensityofhisthatIwasslowlystartingtobelievewouldeventuallyexposeallmysecrets.
“IguessIam,”Iexhaled,soundingmoresomberthanIwantedtogiveaway.“IthinkI’mhappy.IjustwanteveryoneelsebackathometobelievethatIam.Eveniftheonlywaytoaccomplishthatisthisway”—Iwavedmyhandbetweenthetwoofus—“ifyoulookthepart.Ifwedo.OnlyifeveryonebackhomebelievesthatI’mnotlonelyandsinglebecauseI’mbroken.”Icouldseehimpiecingsomethingtogether,soIfilledinthesilence.“Weneedtomakethem—allofthem—believethatwearedeeply,utterly,andcompletelyinlove.Iftheyfindoutaboutourarrangement,theywon’tletmeliveitdown.Itwillbehumiliating.Probablyamilliontimesworsethanattendingtheweddingaloneandhavingthempitymeuntiltheendofmydays.”
IftheydiscoveredthatIhadconvincedsomeonetoactasmyboyfriend,someonewhowasn’tevenafriend,Iwouldonlymanagetoconfirmwhatthey’dalreadybelievedaboutme.ThatIwasthebroken,stuck,andpatheticLinatheysaw.
Aaron’seyessparkedwithwhatlookedlikeunderstanding.Asifsomethinghadfinallyclickedtogether.Thetruthbehindmymotivationperhaps?Ihopednot.Butwhateveritwas,itwasshort-livedbecausewewereinterrupted.
Hisattentionshiftedtotheflightattendanthoveringrightaboveourheads.
Shedirectedaradiantsmileathim.Onehedidn’treciprocate.“Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink,Mr.Blackford?MissMartín?”
“Twoginandtonics,please,”hesaidwithoutsomuchasasecondglancetotheflightattendant.“Thatokay,baby?”
Myheadrearedbackatthatlastword.Baby.“Yes,sure,”Iwhispered,feelingmycheeksheatimmediately.
Okay,thathad…thathadbeen…Ihadneverbeenbabytoanyone.Andjudgingbythequickflutterinmystomach,Ihadkindoflikedit.Ohboy.Ihadactuallylikedhearingthat.Evenifithadbeenfake.
“Thankyou,erm…”Istoleaglanceattheflightattendant,whowaseyeingAaroninanappreciativeway.“Thankyou,boyfriend.”
Thewomannoddedatuswithatight-lippedsmile.“I’llbebackwithyourdrinks.”
“Youknow,”Aaronstartedinahushedvoiceonceshewasgone,“youareworriedaboutmemessingupandmixingupdozensofSpanishnamesthatI’veheardforthefirsttimetoday,andyetyouoverlookthatcallingmeboyfriendwillprobablygiveitallawayratherquickly.”
“Dozensofnames?”Ihissed.“Morelikeadozen.”
Aaroncutmealook.
“Acoupledozen,tops.Butyoumightberight,”Iadmitted,earningashockedlookfromhim.“Whatpetnamewouldyoulikemetocallyou?”
“Whatevermakesyouthehappiest.Justpickone.”
Inthatmoment,theeffectofthebabycamebackwithavengeance.“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,kickingthatoneoutofmyhead.“IguessoneinSpanishmakessense.Bollito?Cuchicuchi?Pocholito?”
“Bollito?”
“It’slittlebun.”Ismiled.“Likethosebreadbunsthatarespongeyandshinyandsocutethat—”
“Okay,no.”Hefrowned.“Ithinkit’sbetterifwesticktoournames,”hesaid,takingbothdrinksfromtheattendantwhohadjustreappearedandplacingmineinfrontofme.“Idon’tthinkIcantrustyoutopickoneinSpanishwithoutknowingwhatitmeans.”
“I’mverytrustworthy—youshouldknowthatbynow.”Ibroughtafingertomychin,tappingitafewtimes.“Howaboutconejito?That’slittlebunny.”
Withalongsigh,Aaronlethismassivebodyfalldeeperintotheseat.
“Youareright;youarenotabunny.”Ipaused.“Osito?”Imadeashowoflookinghimupanddown,asifIweretestingthenameonhim.“Yeah,thatoneiswaymorefitting.Youaremoreofabear.”
WhatwasveryclosetoagroangotstuckinAaron’sthroat.Heliftedhisglasstohislipsandalmostdownedhalfofit.“Justdrinkandtrytogetsomesleep,Catalina.”
“Okay.”Iturnedaway,snugglinginmyseatandtakingasipofmydrink.“Ifyouinsist,osito.”
Fromthecornerofmyeye,IsawAaronfinishinguptherestofhisginandtonic.
NotthatIblamedhim.Weweredefinitelyinneedofsomeliquidcourageifwewantedtosurvivethis.ChapterFifteen
Goingthroughthemotionsofdisembarkingtheaircraft,gettingthroughcustoms,andpickingupourluggagefeltalittlebitlikeoneofthosestrangedreamswhereeverythingaroundyoufeltfuzzyandunreal,buttherewasapartofyou,deepdowninyourconsciousness,thatknewitwasn’treal.
Onlythistime,itwas.Andtheloudthump,thump,thumpinmyearswasevidenceofjusthowmuch.
Andyet,asmuchasthatpartofmekeptrepeatingthatIwouldwakeupwhilemyheartkeptscreamingthatIalreadywasandthatthiswasreallyhappening,themomenttheArrivalsgatecameintoview,mywholebodyfrozewithrealization.
Mysuitcasewheelsscreechedagainstthefloorasmytwofeetbecamerootedtothefloor.Breathstuckinmythroat,Iwatchedthegatesopeningandclosing,lettingoutwhoeverhadbeenwalkingaheadofus.
IglancedatAaron,whohadbeenwalkingbesidemebutwasnowacoupleofstepsahead.Myoverpackedbaghungoffhisshoulderagain.
“Aaron,”Icroaked,thatthump,thump,thumpgrowinglouderandlouder.“Ican’tdoit.”
Feelingasifmylungshadbeenfilledwithcement,Ibroughtahandtomychest.“AyDios.”Iheaved.“AyDiosmío.”
HowhadIletthisgetsofar?
WhatwasIgoingtodoifeverythingblewupinmyface?
WhatifImadeitallworse?
Iwascrazy.No,Iwasplainstupid.AndIwantedtopunchmyselfintheface.Maybethatwouldsnapmeoutofit.
Mygazeroamedarounddesperately,probablylookingforanescape.Awaytogetout.ButIcouldn’tseeanythingpastthosegatesthatseparatedusfrommyparentsandkeptswallowingpassengerafterpassenger.
“Nopuedohacerlo,”Imuttered,notrecognizingmyownvoice.“Ican’tdothis.Ijustcan’tgooutthereandlietomywholefamily.Ican’t.Itwon’tworkout.They’llknow.I’llmakeafoolofmyself.ThefoolthatIambecause—”
Aaron’sfingersfoundmychin,tiltingmyfaceuptomeethisgaze.“Hey.”Theblueinhiseyesshoneunderthefluorescentlightilluminatingtheterminal,snatchingallmyattention.“Thereyouare.”
Notabletovoiceasinglewordmorewithoutcompletelylosingmyshit,Ishookmyheadlightly.Hisfingersremainedwheretheywere.
“Youarenotafool,”hetoldmeashekeptstaringintomyeyes.
Mylidsfellclosedforamoment,notwantingtoseewhateverhewaslookingatmewithontopofeverythingIwasbarelykeepingatbay.“Ican’tdoit,”Iwhispered,openingmyeyesandmeetinghisgaze.
Hisvoicehardened.“Catalina,stopbeingridiculous.”Contrarytothegentlegripofhisfingers,hiscommandwasblunt.Unsensitive,consideringhewastalkingtoawomanonthevergeofflippingout.
Butsomethinginitforcedme—enabledme,Irealized—totakethefirstfullbreathinthelastcoupleofminutes.So,Ididexactlythat.Ibreathedin,andthenIbreathedout.Allthewhile,Aaronlookedmestraightintheeyewithsomethingthatshouldhavemademyanxietyshootbacktotheroofbutthatinsteadbroughtmeslowlyback.
“We’vegotthis,”hesaidwithconfidence.
We
Thatsimpletwo-letterwordsomehowsoundedalittlelouderthantherest.
Andthen,asifhehadbeenwaitingformetobereadytohearit,hewentforthekillingblow.“Youarenotonyourownanymore.It’syouandmenow.Weareinthistogether,andwe’vegotthis.”
Andsomehow,forareasonIknewIwouldneverbeabletoexplain,Ibelievedhim.Ididn’tquestionorfighthim
Neitherofussaidanythingelse.Myapprehensivebrowneyesheldhisdeterminedblueones,andsomekindofsilentunderstandingpassedbetweenus.
Us.Becausewe,AaronandI,hadjustbecomeanus
Aaron’sfingersdroppedfrommychinandwrappedaroundthehandthathadn’tbeenclutchingmychest.
Hesqueezedgently.
Ready?heaskedmewithoutwords.
Itookonelastdeepbreath,andweheadedforthedoorsthatopenedtotheArrivalsterminalofthesmallSpanishairport.
Tomyparents.
Tothisoutrageouslyludicrousfarcewewereabouttoembarkon.
Tothis…whathadIcalleditbefore?Ohyeah,tothiswholeSpanishlovedeceptionwehadplanned.
Becausewe,AaronandI,gotthis.
Hehadsaidso.AndIbelievedhim.
Ijusthoped,forbothoursakes,thathewasright.
***
“Papá,forthelasttime,wearemorethanokayhere.”Myeyessearchedthesmallroomformyfakeboyfriend,lookingforbackup.
Thecornerofhislipstippedup.
“MaybeifwemoveAbuelatoyoursister’splace,”Papácontinued,“youtwocouldtakethebigguestroominthehouse.AlthoughIamnotreallysureifTíoJoséandTíaInmawillbesleepingthere.Wait,letmecall—”
“Papá,”Icuthimoff,reachingouttopathisarm.“It’sokay.Thisapartmentismorethanokay.Youdon’tneedtomoveustothehouse.LeaveAbuelaalone.”
Awaveofnostalgiaandfamiliarityhitmerightinthegut.IthadbeensolongsinceIhadcomehome;allofitfeltasfamiliarasbreathing,andatthesametime,itwaslikeamemoryIhadnotrevisitedinalongtime.Mydadandhisgoodheart,alwayssoaccommodating.Caringtoomuch.TryingtomakeeverybodyfeelathomeevenifitmeantgoingthroughthebedroomHungerGames.IhadbeensopreoccupiedwithdreadingthemomentthatIhadforgottentheyweremyfamily.Myhome.And,God,despiteeverything,Ihadmissedthemwithallmyheart.
Mymomshiftedfromtheentranceofthecrampedbedroom,assessingthesituation.“Ay,cari?o,yourfatherisright.Nosé…”Shehesitated,lookingforthewords.“Estehombreestanaltoy…grande.”HergazelandedonAaron,travelingfromhisheadtohisfeetandbackupagain,whilesheshookherheadwithamixofaweandskepticism.
IthoughtIhadseenthatstartofasmirkonAaron’slipsinchinghigher,whichearnedhimaquestioninglookfromme.
“Iknowwhatgrandemeans.”Thatlittlebendofhislipswasthereuntilheturnedtomymother,squaringhisexpression.“Iappreciateyourconcern,Cristina.Butwewillbeperfectlyfine,sleepinghere.Muchasgraciasportododenuevo.”
Togetherwithmymother’s,myjawalmostdroppedtothefloorforthesecondtimetoday.Thefirsttimehadbeenearlierintheairport,whereIhadfirstlearnedthatAarondidspeakenoughSpanishtointroducehimselftomyparentsinmymothertongue.Withbarelyanaccent.
Quicklyafter,andwhilemyjawstayedrightwhereitwas,thegrinthatwasreservedforaverylimitednumberofpeoplecamealiveinMamá’sface.
Then,Iwatchedherreleaseabreath,half-wonderandhalf-resignation.AsifshewasfinetoacceptAaron’sstatementwithoutputtingupanykindoffightaslongashekepttalkinginSpanish.Whichwassomethingshereservedforveryfewtoo.
Myveryluckyandverymuchfakeboyfriendgiftedherwithapolitesmile.
“Catalinadoesn’ttakethatmuchspaceanyway,”Aaronsuddenlysaid.“Wewillfindawaytosnugglein.Right,bollito?”
Myheadswirledinhisdirection.“Yes,”Igrittedout.“Wewillsnugglerightin.”
Promisingmyselfhe’dpayforthatlater,Ilookedatmydadinhorror.Muchtomydismay,Ifoundhimgrinning.Mymom,ontheotherhand,justnodded,hereyesbouncingfromAarontome,assessingourdifferenceinsizeandheight.
Which,thankfully,wouldn’tbeaproblem.Theconvenientapartmentthatmyparentsrentedduringthehighseasontovacationershadtwobedrooms.Justlikeeverythingabouttheflat,theroomsweresmallandfunctionalwithonlywhatwasstrictlynecessary.Butthatmeantthatwe,AaronandI,wouldn’tbedoinganysnuggling.Wewerenotevengoingtobesharingaroom.
Thanktheheavens.
Whichremindedme,itwastimeformyparentstoleave.
“Okay,youtwo.Thankyou,butthisisenoughofawelcome,”Isaid,walkinguptothemandpushingthemlightlytowardthedoor.“Wehavesuitcasestounpackandabachelor-slash-bachelorettepartytogetreadyfor.”
“Vale,vale,”mymomsaidasshegrabbedmydad’sarm.“Yousee,Javier?Theywanttobealone.”Hereyebrowsdidalittlewiggle.“Yasabes.”
Mydadmutteredsomethingunintelligible,showingthathehadnointerestinfindingoutwhy.
So,Iignoredmymother’sinnuendo,andafterwrappingmyparentsinabighug,Ishooedthemoutthedoor.Inthemeantime,Aaronpolitelythankedthemagain—inSpanish,formymom’sbenefit—andremainedinthecorner,wherehehadbeenstanding.
Withmyparentsfinallygone,IturnedtoAaronandfoundhimplacingbothofoursuitcasesonthebed.Heunzippedhisandstartedextractingpiecesofclothingandtoiletries.
“Actually,youdon’tneedtodothat,”Itoldhim,notbotheringtoopenmybags.
Aaroncockedaneyebrow.
“Wewillsleepinseparaterooms,”Iexplained.
“Oh?”Thatwastheonlythingthatcamefromhim.
Ignoringthatpuzzledlookhehadjustshotme,Imademywaytothehallwaytoleadhimtowhatwouldbehisroom
Withhisveryownbed.
Rightbehindme,Aaronsteppedinthespaceonlyafewsecondsafter.
“Ta-da!”Igesturedwithmyarms.“Here’syourroom.Yourdresser.Yourbathroomisoutinthehallthough.And,yeah,thatwillbeyourbed.”
IpointedatthetwinbedasItookinitsridiculousdimensions.TheroomwasmuchsmallerthanIremembered.
GlancingatAaron,whowasrightbymyside,Ifoundhiminspectingthebedwithhisarmscrossedoverhischest.Justhowmymotherhaddoneafewminutesago,Ieyedhimupanddown.
Yeah.Thatwasnotgoingtowork.
“Allright,”Isaid,acceptinghewouldnever,everfitthere.“I’llchangeroomswithyou.Taketheotherone;it’sbigger.I’lltakethetwin.”
“It’sokay,Catalina.I’llsleephere.”
“No,youwon’t.Youwon’tfitinthattinybed,”Ipointedouttheobvious.“Notevendiagonally,Ithink.”
“It’sfine.Gounpackyourthings.I’llmakeitwork.”
“Youwon’t.There’snowayyoucansleephere,”Iinsisted,ignoringthedirtylookAaronsentmeoverhisshoulder.
“Iwill.”
Stubborn,hardheadedman,Ithought.
“Youaretheonlyhardheadedonehere,”hesaid.
Inarrowedmyeyesatthemindreader.“Well,ifyouwanttobemypot,I’dgladlybeyourkettle.”Ipointedatthebed.“Proveit.Showmeyoufitinthere,andI’llleaveyoualone.”
Aaronsighedasheuncrossedhisarmsandbroughtahandtohisface.“Wouldyoujust—”Hestoppedhimself,shakinghishead.“Youknowwhat?Thisonetime,I’mgoingtohumoryou.Justtoavoidwastingawaybothourlives,arguingoverthisuntilwearerollingonmatchingwheelchairs.”
Hewaswrong;matchingwheelchairswassomethingthatwouldneverbeinmyplanswhereAaronBlackfordwasconcerned.
Intwostrides,myfakeandverytallboyfriendwasrightinfrontofthemodesttwin.
Hewon’tfit.Iwassureofit.So,IleanedbackandwaitedforhimtoprovehowrightIwas.
AssoonasAaronclimbedontothetinypieceoffurniture,themattressbouncedalittletoowildlyunderhisweight.Withaloudsqueak,headjustedhisbody,lyingonhisback.Changedhispositionacoupleoftimesasthemattresscomplainedunderhisweight.Nothing
He.Did.Not.Fit.
Takingintheclearlylarger-than-the-bedmaninfrontofme,feetdanglingoffoftheframeandglaringattheceiling,Icouldn’thelpbutletthegrinIhadbeenfightingfinallybreakfree.
Itwasn’tthefactthatIhadbeenrightallalong.Nope.ThesatisfiedandtoothysmilethatsplitmyfacehadeverythingtodowiththegrumpyAaronwhowaslyingdiagonallyonthetinytwinbedwithascowlthatwentformiles.Thebestpartwasthathehadhumoredmeandprovenit,justbecauseI’dtoldhimto.Justbecausewewereequallystubborn.
Andthat…onlymademegrinwider.
Walkingcloser,Ididn’tturndownthemegawattsmileasIlookeddownathim.“Comfy?”
“Very.”
“Ijustbetyouhaveneverbeenthiscomfortableinyourlife.”
Herolledhiseyes.“Fine,”Aaronsaidashesatup,thespringsinthesimpleand—let’sfaceit—mostlikelycheapmattresscreakingloudlyunderhisweight.“Soyouwereright,”hecontinuedashemovedtotheedge,tryingtoleaveabedthatseemedtobeturningintoquicksand,swallowingeachofhismovements.“Now,ifyouwouldjust—”
BeforeIcouldevenrealizewhatwashappening,thestructureofthebedgaveinwithabigbang,engulfingpartofthemattressandAaronalongwithit.
Agaspshotoutofmeasmyhandsflewtomymouth.
“JesusfuckingChrist,”Aarongrowled.
“OhmyGod,Aaron.”ThecacklethatleftmymouthasIstaredatthegrumpier-than-evermansittinginthemiddleoftheboxspringcatastrophewasprobablyheardallthewayinNewYorkCity.
Hedidn’tlookanywherenearokayifthewayhegloweredwasanyindication.
ButIaskedanyway,“Areyouokay?”Itriedtosoberdown;Idid.ButIcouldn’tholdinthelaughter.So,Ilaughed.
Then,Ilaughedlouder.
“Yes.Allgood,”hegrunted.“NothingIcan’thandle.”
“Okay,butjustincase…”Istretchedmyhandtohelphimout,butbothofusfrozewhenahollercamefromtheentrancedooroftheapartment.Avoicethatsentshiversdownmyspine.
“Hola!”apitchyshrillcalled.
Wasthat…
“Hayalguienencasa?”thatvoiceIrealizedIknew—andIwasrelatedto—calledagain.
No
ThewomanwhoseredhairIwasalmostcertainwasabouttomakeanappearanceinabouttwosecondsaskediftherewassomeoneathome.Asifshehadn’tprobablyknownalready.
Charo.MycousinCharowasintheapartment.Andjudgingbythequickclickingofherheels,she’dbeintheroominabout—
“Ay,peromiraquébien.Someoneischristeningthebed.”Agigglethatwasnotadorableandwasoutrightevilinsteadreachedmyearsfrombehindme.
Understandingflashedthroughmyfakeboyfriend’sface.
Notcaringtowaitformyresponse,mycousincontinuedbabbling,“Lookatthismess.”Shetsked.“Afterbeingsingleforsolong,onewouldthinkyouwereoutofpractice,Linita.”
Igrimaced.Waytoputitoutthere,prima.Myeyelidsshutoninstinct,andIfeltablushclimbingupmythroat.
“Because,really,howmanyyearshavegonebysincethewholethingwithDanielexploded?Three?Four?Maybemore.”
OhsweetLord,Iwantedtodisappear.Icouldn’tbelieveCharohadgonestraighttothatafterbarelysayinghello.AndinfrontofAaron.Ididn’twanttolookathim.Didn’twanttolookinhisdirectionforthatmatter.Couldn’tthatbustedandmangledbedswallowmeuptoo?
Andjustlikethat,mywishwasgranted.
Aarontuggedoffmyarmandpulledmerightwithhim,rippingasquealoutofme.Rightontothechaosthatusedtobeatwinbed.Mybodyendedupsprawledhalfontopofhim.NotforlongthoughbecausebeforeIknewwhatwasreallyhappening,hislargeandmeatyarmsflippedmeontohislap.TurningmetofacemycousinCharoandcausingmybodytogoasstiffasabroomstickatthechangeofpositions.
Holyshit,IamonAaron’slap.Backtofront.Asson…yeah.Onhislap.
“I’lltaketheblameforallthis.”HisdeepvoicecamefromveryfreakingclosebehindmeasIslowlyrecountedallthebodypartsIfeltpressedagainstmyownmuchsofterones.Thighs,chest,arms,allhardandflushedagainstmyback.Againstmyass.Againstmyownthighsand…Ihadtostopthinkingofbodyparts.“Hardtoresistmyselfreally.”Myfakeboyfriend’swordsenteredmyearsatthesametimeInoticedthemusclesunderneathmeflexing.“Right,bollito?”
OhmyGod.
Hewas…Iwas…Ijust—
“Right,”Icroaked,“osito.”
Charobeamedatus,onehundredpercentsatisfiedwiththeshow.ShehadjustgottentotheapartmentandalreadyobtainedastoryI’dbehearingaboutforthenexttenyears.ThetimeLinaandherboyfriendbrokethattwinbed.Ibetshe’daddstuffthatneverhappened,maybethatshehadseenAaronnakedorsomething.
Amentalimageintrudedmymind.OneofAaron.Sansclothes.WithallthosemusclesIwasfeeling—
No.No.No.
“Ay,lookatyoutwo,”mycousinsaid,bringingherhandsunderherchin.“Youlooksoadorabletogether.And,Lina!Ineverthoughtyou’dbethiskindofcrazy.”Charowiggledhereyebrows.
Aaron’shandlandedonmyknee,thecontactbrandingtheskinundermyjeans.God,Icouldfeelhimallaroundme.IfIrelaxedmyspine,I’dsnugglerightintohim.
Thatwarmpalmsqueezedmythigh.
Ikeptlosingmyfocus,andnow,Charoseemedtobewaitingformetosaysomething.
“Ohyeah.”IrecappedasfastasIcould.Ineededtogetoutofhere.OffAaron.Thepositionwewereinwastoodistracting.Inavery,very,verybadway.“Erm.Yes,crazy.Oh,youbet!Thisisallsupercrazy,”Isaid,squirminginAaron’slapasIunsuccessfullytriedtomakemywayoutoftheman-sizedblackholethathadsuckedmein.“ItiscrazybecauseIamsupercrazy.Crazyabouthim,thatis.”Isquirmedsomemore,realizingImightbestucksomewherebetweenhislargethighs.Keeptalking.“Like,socrazilyinlove,it’sevencrazy,youknowwhatImean?Socrazy—”
“Ithinkshegotit,”myfakeboyfriendwhisperedinmyear,sendingastupidshiverrushingacrossmywholebody.
Ikeptshiftingfurtherinhislap,ignoringhoweverythingIfeltunderneathme—ormyass,morespecifically—wassolidandwarm.No,hot.Itwashot.Musclesuponmusclesuponmoremuscles.SomeofthembecomingharderwitheveryuselesseffortImade.
Ohmygosh.OhDiosmío.Wasthat…no.Itcouldn’tbe.Aaroncouldn’tbe…aroused.
Desperate,Itriedtopropelmyselfoffhimonemoretime,obtainingalittlegruntfromAaron’slips.Itlandedonthebackofmyneckasapuffofair
“Stop,”hebreathedinmyear.“That’snothelpingwiththesituation.”
Iimmediatelyobeyed,forcingmybodytorelaxintohim.Okay,Ihavethis.Thinkofitasachair.Athrone.NotAaron.Justahardman-sizedthrone.
Igavemycousinafakesmile.“So,whatareyoudoinghere,Charo?”
“Oh,Iwasgoingtostaywithafriendfortheweddingweekend,butthebathroominhisapartmentfloodedorsomething,andIhavenochoicebuttosleephereinstead,”sheexplainedwithalittlewave.“I’msureyouthoughtyouhadtheplacetoyourselves,huh?”Shewiggledhereyebrowsagain.“IswearIwon’tbeintheway.Youwon’tevennoticeI’mhere.”
Therewasonlyonewaywewouldn’tnoticeCharosnoopingaround,andthatincludedhard-corenarcotics.
“Great.Well,weshouldreallyunpackandletyoudothesame,”IannouncedfrommypositiononmyAaronthrone.Iclearedmythroat.“Yeah,allright.Let’sdothat,”Iadded,neitherAaronnormemoving.Iclearedmythroatveryloudly.“Don’tyouthinkweshouldgetgoing,osito?”
BeforeIcouldask,Aaron’sbighandswereonmywaist,andIwasliftedoffhislapandthenupintheair.Withshakylegs,Ilandedinfrontofmycousin.
Whoa,okay.So,itcouldhavebeenthateasy
Aaron—whohadmysteriouslyregainedhisusualagility—followedsuit,leavingbehindhimthespringandwooddisaster.
“Ihaven’tintroducedmyself.”Aaronstretchedoutoneofthehandsthathadbeenwrappedaroundmywaistalittlemorethanasecondago.Theonehandthathadsqueezedmythigh.“SoyAaron.Unplacerconocerte.”
Mycousin—whoIsuspectedhadalreadyrequestedallofAaron’savailableinformationfrommymother—tookhishandandpulledhimtoher.“AyyhablaEspa?ol!Elplaceresmío,cari?o.”Sheplantedonekissoneachofhischeeks.
Yeah,Iwassureshehadn’tbeenlyingwhenshesaidthepleasureofmeetinghimwasallhers.
AftermycousinreleasedAaron,wholookedalittledumbfounded,sheengulfedmeinahugtoo.“Comehere,prima.Ihavekissesforyoutoo.”AndsheaddedinawhispersoonlyIcouldhearit,“?Dóndeteníasescondidoaestehombre?”
Wherewereyouhidingthisman?
Ichuckled.“Oh,prima,ifyouonlyknew.”
Steppingawayfrommyred-hairedrelative,IwasstartledbythecontactofAaron’spalmonthesmallofmyback.
Ijumpedback,rightintohisfront.
Aaronlookeddownatme,aquestioninhisgaze.“Goaheadtoourroomandstartunpacking.I’lltakecareofthismessforyourcousin.”
Thatwas…soverythoughtful.Ihadforgottenaboutit.Apparently,leavingmycousintodealwithabrokentwinbedwasn’thighonmyprioritylist.
“Uy,no,no.”CharointervenedbeforeIcouldapologize.“IwillcallTíoJavi,”shesaid,referringtomydadasUncleJavi.“Youtwogoandsettlein.I’msureyouareexhaustedfromthetrip.Justmakesurenottobreaktheotherbedtoo.”Sheaccompaniedthatwithacackle.“Icantaketheblameforthisonebutyours?Thatwouldbeanawkwardconversationwithyourdad.”Then,shewinked.
Withoutmorethanathank-you,weshuffledbacktowhatwouldbeourroom.
Ourroom,whichwehadtosharenow.
Dammit
We’dbetterunpackandtrytogetcomfortable.Ifthathadbeenanyindicationofwhatwasaheadofusduringtheupcomingdays,myfakeboyfriendandIwereinforamessyride.
Suitcasesalmostemptyandallweddingattirealreadyhanginginthecloset,Isentasidewaysglanceatthebedinourroom.Ihadbeendoingthatforthelastfifteenminutes.
I’llbewaitinghere,itseemedtosing,makingmewishitwouldmagicallycrumbledownanddisappeartoo.
“Stopworrying.Icansleeponthefloorifitmakesyouthatuncomfortable.”Aaronlookedatme,eyebrowscreased.
“I’mnotworried,”Ilied.
SharingabedwithAaronwassomethingIhadn’texpected.Orplannedfor.Myparentshadsaidonlywewouldbestayingintheapartment.Mostoftheguestswerefromtheregion,andtheoneswhoweren’twouldbearrivingonlyforthebigday.
“Weareadults,andwehaveknowneachotherforalmosttwoyearsnow.Wecanbecivilandsharethebed.Atleastit’sadouble.Andit’sstandingup.”
“I’lltellyourparentsthatIwilltakecareoftheotherone.I’llpayforthedamages.”Therewassomethinginhisvoice.Hesoundedpensiveandalmost…embarrassed?
“Youdon’thaveto,Aaron.”AndImeantit.“Itwasn’tyourfault.Thebedhadlastedmorethanitshouldhave,really.Thesethings…happen.”
Grabbingacoupleofshirtsoffmysuitcaseandunfoldingthem,Iponderedmyownwords.NeverinmylifehadIwitnessedthatfirsthand,buthey,thesethingsdidhappen.MaybetoAarontheyhad.Maybehehaddestroyeddozensofbeds.Reducingthemtoamessofwoodandsprings.Hewasalargeman,onewhowasbuilttoo.Bedscouldverywellgiveoutandburstunderhisweight.Maybeifhemovedaroundtoomuch.Orifhedroppedhisbodyonthemwithcertainforce.Orifheengagedinactivitiesthattestedtheresistanceoftheframeandspringsand—
No,no,no.IkickedoutofmyheadthatimageofasweatyandnakedAarondoing—
No
“Okay,”Aaronsaid,zippingclosedhisemptiedsuitcase.“Andifyouaresurewecansharethebed,thenwewill.Withalittleluck,thisonewon’tshattertoo.”
Awholenewmentalimageambushedme.Oneverysimilarbutthatnowincludedmeand—
Nope.Ineededtostopthisnonsense.
“It’ssettledthen,”Isaid,gettingridofthoseunwantedthoughtsandideas.“Nosleepingonthefloor.Wecan’triskgettingcaught,havingCharoaround.Couplessharebeds.”
“Andwewouldgetcaughtexactlyhow?Doesyourcousingoaround,enteringbedroomsshedoesn’tsleepin?”
“Well,Aaron,IreallywishIcouldtellyoushedidn’t,butIwouldbelying.”
YearshadtaughtmethatCharowasunpredictable.
“So”—Ichangedthesubject—“inacoupleofhours,wewillbemeetingtheyoungestmembersoftheMartínclanforphaseoneofthebachelor-slash-bacheloretteparty.”
“Alittlebriefing,please?”hequeried.Aaronhadfinishedunpacking—whichIhadn’t—soheleanedhisbackonthewardrobethatwasinthecorneroftheroomandgavemehisfullattention.
“You’llbedelightedtohearthatwewillspendthedayoutside,enjoyingthewarmthoftheSpanishsunonourskinanddoingsomethingthathasnothingtodowithsippingmimosasandgettingmassages.Whichwasmyidea.”Iwalkedtothenarrowdresserandgrabbedaneatstackoftowels.“Mymaid-of-honordutieswereoverruledbyoneofmyyoungestcousins,Gabi.”Iplacedthetowelsonthecomforter.“Andthatmeansonlyonething.”Ipauseddramatically.“TheWeddingCup.”
“TheWeddingCup?”AchuckleleftAaron’slips.
Strangely,thatlittlenoisemademewanttosmile.Iignoreditandgavehimarundownofhowwe’dbeoccupyingourdayinstead.
“IntheWeddingCup”—Isighed—“TeamBride,whichiscomposedofallthefemalesinvitedtothebachelor-slash-bacheloretteparty,competesagainstTeamGroom,whichwillbecomposedofthemaleones.”Isaidthatlastpartwithsarcasm.“Realrefreshing,huh?Boysagainstgirls,competinginaseriesofgamesandactivities.Yay.”
Aaronnodded,nottakinganyside.“Icantell,youareveryexcited.Butpleasecontinue.”
Isenthimalook.“TheteamthatcollectsmorepointswillsecurethewinandobtaintheWeddingCup.”
“Andisthiscupaphysicaltrophyorjustasymbolicreward?”Aaronasked,andIcouldtellhewastryingtotakethisseriously.Unsuccessfully.Hecouldbarelycontainhisamusement.
“Listen”—myarmswenttomyhipsinanattempttomakemyselflookimposing—“ItoldyouIwasnotincontrolofthis.Iammoreofarepresentativemaidofhonor.MycousinGabiisoneofthosefitness-obsessedpeople,andsheorganizedthewholething.So,justbegladthatyouarenotstuckwithmeonyourteam.”Pickingupmytoiletryandmakeupbags,IwalkedtothemodestensuitebathroomasIkeptabsentlyfillingAaroninwhileIplacedallmythingsonthenarrowspaceavailable.“Iamnothappyaboutthis,okay?Ifitwereforme,wewouldbeataspawhileyouguyswentsomewheretodo…guystuff.”
“Guystuff?”IheardAaron’svoicecomingfromthebedroom.
“Yeah,punchyourchests,drinkbeerlikeit’stheendofyourlives,orgotoastripclub.WhatdoIknow?”Ishookmyhead,knowingIwasbeingalittletoostereotypical.“Butno,”Icontinued,placingatravel-sizedcontainerofshampooonthecounter.“Wecouldn’tbesolucky.Funnyenough,theoneonboardwiththisthingisGonzalo.Whowouldhavethought?Astupidcompetitionoverenjoyinghislastdayasabachelorawayfromhisbride.NotthatI’mshocked.Gonzalohasbeencrazyaboutmysistersincethemomenthelaideyesonher.So,whywouldhewanttospendadayawayfromher?”
Whattheyhadwastherealstuff.Honest,devoted,palpablelove.Theonethattranscendeddistance,differences,andobstacles.Thekindthatwasmeanttobewrittenaboutinbooks.ThinkingofitfilledmychestwithwarmthandlongingforsomethingIdidn’tknowI’deverbeabletofind.
“Anyway,GonzaloistheWeddingCup’sbiggestcheerleader.Andsomethingtellsme,he’llbemorethanthrilledwhenheseesyou.He’llhollerandbro-hugyou,andyou’llbehisnewbestfriend.Icantell.Gonissocompetitive,alwayshasbeen,sohe’llbeoverthemoontohavetheclosestthingtoafreakingGreekgodonhisteam.StraightoutofOlympia.”Isnorted.
Aarondidlookalittlelikeoneofthosesculptures.Allstoicwithsmoothandsymmetricallines.GonzalowouldloveAarononthe—
Holdup.
WhatdidIjustsay?
MyeyesclosedattherealizationthatIhadcalledAaronagod.AGreekone.OutofOlympia.Outloud.
Oh,please,bathroomwalls,bethickandsoundproof.Please.
Sensinghispresencesomewherebehindmeandconsideringthedimensionsofboththeroomandensuite,Iremainedverystill.
Iopenedmyeyesandlookedathisreflectioninthemirrorinfrontofme.
Aaronwasleaningonthedoorframe,armscrossedoverhischest.
Inhalingadeepbreath,Iletmyeyestravelaroundthecounter,takingineverythingandmakingmywayupuntilfindingAaron’sgazeonthemirror.
“Chancesofyounothearingmefromthebedroom?”Iventured.
“Itdepends.”Iwatchedhisthroatwork,swallowing.“HowgoodofhearingdoGreekgodshave?”
Ihadtwooptions:ownitlikethegrown-upwomanIwas,orignorethishadjusthappenedandbeatotalchickenshit.
RearrangingeveryitemIhadjustplacedontheshelfinsilence,Ioptedforthelatter,allthewhilefeelinghisgazefollowingmyeverymove.
Amomentlater,IsensedAaronturnaround,butbeforehewalkedaway,Icalledforhim,“Oh,and,Aaron?”Iwatchedthereflectionofhisbackinthemirror.“Thelosingteamhastoperformachoreographeddancetonight.”
Noanswercamefromhim,butwhenhefinallytookastepaway,Icouldperfectlyimaginethecompetitivegleamcomingaliveinhiseyes.ChapterSixteen
Istoodwithmyhandsonmyhips,gettingalittlelostinthepaletteofbluesandgreensthatpaintedtheviewbeforeme.
WhenpeoplethoughtofSpain,theythoughtofjammedbeachesunderthemercilesssummersun.Theythoughtoftablesloadedwithjarsofsangría,pansstuffedwithpaella,andapayloadoftapas.Theymostlikelythoughtofsomedark-haireddudeserenadingtheeveningwithimpossiblymasterfulfingersstringingaguitartoo.Andinaway,theywerenotcompletelywrong.OnecouldfindthatinSpain.Butitwasonlyasmallpartofwhatrepresentedmyhomecountry.Onethatsadlydidn’tevencovertenpercentofwhatitoffered.
ThesmallcitywhereIhadcomefromstoodonthemostnortherncoastofthepeninsula,wedgedbetweentheoftenfierceandivoryCantabrianSeaandarangeofemeraldmountains.
Contrarytogeneralbelief,thecountrywasn’tbathedinsunthroughoutthewholeyeareither.Particularlynotthenorthernregions.Nope.ThenorthofSpainwasknownforgrantingitsinhabitantsthechancetoexperienceallfourseasonsinthespanofafewhours,anydayoftheyear.Whichmadepossibleforthevegetationtogrowwildandlush,engulfingpasturesandhillsandcreatinganimageveryfewthoughtofwhenitcametoSpain.
So,yeah,summerwasn’tallthatgreatinthenorth.Butsurprisingly,todaytheskywasclear,andthebreezefromtheseawasgentle.Itbroughtmebacktoatimewhen,indayslikethese,wewouldtrytomakethemostofit,asifourlifedependedonit.Fromdawntilldusk.Isabelandme.LashermanasMartín.TheMartínsisters.
TakingapeekatthegroupofpeoplewhohadgatheredtodayfortheWeddingCup,alittlepartofmewonderedwhatwasgoingoninsideofAaron’shead.Whathadbeenhisfirstimpressionoftheplacethathadseenmegrowup?Ofmypeople?
Introductionshadgonebetterthangood.IfSpaniardswereknownforsomething,itwastheiropennessandhospitality.Nobodyhadseemedtobataneyelashatmyfakeboyfriend.Notmorethantheawkwardnessofhavingaguiri—whatwecalledtourists—andthereforehavingtousetheirrustyEnglish.
Onlytheyoungestgenerationofboththebrideandgroom’sfamilies,theirpartners,andsomeofourclosestfriendswerehere.Exceptforourbarbaricandfree-spiritedcousinLucas,whonooneknewwherehehaddisappearedtothistime.Andthebestman—otherwiseknownasDaniel,myex,myfirstandonlyrelationship,orthemanmyfamilybelievedIhadnevergottenover.Hehadnotarrivedyet.
“Aquíestámihermanafavorita.”Mysister’svoicereachedmeaheartbeatbeforeIwastackledfrombehind
“I’myouronlysister,idiot.OfcourseI’myourfavorite.”Iwrappedmyhandsaroundherforearms,whichwererestingonmycollarbone.
“Forgetabouttechnicalities.Youarestillmyfave.”
Stickingmytongueout,Ilookedatherovermyshoulder.Ifnotforourheart-shapedfaces,wewouldn’tlookanythingalike.Isabelhadalwaysbeentallerandleanerthanme.Hereyeshadlittlegreenspecklestothebrownweshared—somethingIhadalwaysbeenenviousof—andherhairwascurlieranddarker,justlikeMamá’s.Butthedifferencesdidn’tstopthere.Wheremysiswasthispuzzlepiecethatfitanywhereatthefirsttry,Ihadalwaysseemedtostrugglewithfindingmyplace.Somehow,IalwaysmanagedtobemissingalittlecornerorhaveanextraedgethatpushedmetokeeptryingsomewhereImightfitbetter.Thatpushedmetokeeplookingforthatplacetocallhome.BecausethatwasnolongerSpainforme.ButneitherwasNewYorkasmuchasIhadRosieandacareerIwasproudof.Ithadalwaysfelt…alittlelonely.Incomplete.
“Hello?EarthcallingLina,”shesaid,comingtomysideandtuggingatmyarm.“What’supwithyoutoday?Whyareyouhidinghere?”
Ihadbeendoingthat,hadn’tI?Evenifonlyforafewminutes.
Mybigsisterknewmefartoowell,soImadeanoteofbeingextrawatchfularoundherwithAaron.Iftherewassomeonewhowouldseethroughthedeception,itwouldbeIsabel.
“Nothiding.”Ishruggedmyshoulders.“Iwasjusttryingtohaveamomentofpeaceawayfromthebridezilla.Iheardshealmostrippedthegroom’sheadoffbecausehe’dboughtthewrongshoes.”
Isteppedawayandturned,soIcouldfaceher.
“Youheardthatright.”Mysisterandbride-to-bebroughtahandtoherchest,feigningdismay.“Ilethimpickonething,Lina.One.Andhecamehome,allproudandhappy,withapairofshoesthatmademequestionmytasteinmen,really.”Sheshookherhead.“Iwasthisclosetouninvitinghimtomywedding.”
“Ourwedding,youmean.”Ilaughed.
“Yeah.Didn’tIsaythat?”Thecornerofherlipstuggedupwithmischief.“Anyway,Ithinkwestillhaveaboutanhourorsountillunchbreak.Areyouready?”
Alookpassedbetweenus.
“Formydeath?Always.”
“Comeon,dramaqueen,”Isabelsaid,linkingourarmsandpullingmeinthedirectionofthegroup.“Timetogoback.Gabisentmetofetchyou.There’saschedule,youknow.”
Ipouted.
“Oh,stopthat.It’llbefun.”
“Ithasn’tbeen,anditwon’tbe,”Isaid,draggingmyfeetbutfollowingherbecausewhatchoicedidIhave?“Gabihasturnedintothiscutebutterrifyingsportsmogul,andeveryoneisscaredofher.”
Isasnorted.“It’snotthatbad.Plus,wemightstillwin.Weareonlythreepointsbehindthosestupidsuckers.”
“Didyoujustcallyourfiancéastupidsucker?”
“Fine,weareonlythreepointsbehindTeamGroom.Better?”
“Better.But”—Ishotherahumorlessglanceovermyshoulder—“theyarestillgoingtosmashuslikecockroaches.”
Shakingmyhead,IthoughtofhowunathleticTeamBridewascomparedtoourmalecounterpart.ThepointswehadcollectedwerelamepitypointsGabihadgivenustokeeptheteammotivated.Well,everybodyelseontheteambutme.Motivationhadleftmelongago.Iwasreadytocallitadayandgostuffmymouthwithfood.Myjet-laggedbodyhadflippedthehungryswitch,evenbeforewestartedrunningaroundwiththisnonsense.
“Youcanblameyourselfforthat.”Mysister’spointerfingerjoinedheraccusation.“YoubroughtClarkKent’sdoppelg?ngertotheparty.”
“Hedoeslooklikehim,doesn’the?”
Isabelnodded.“Andbytheway…”Shepaused,andbeforeIcoulddodgeitorbepreparedforit,shetuggedatmyponytail.Alittletoohard.
“Hey!”Igrabbedmyhairandmovedoutofthetrajectoryofotherpossibleattacks.“Whatthehellwasthatfor,bridezilla?!”
“Don’tbeababy;youdeservedit.Howdareyoukeepthat”—IsabelpointedatAaron,makingmesmackherhanddown—“hiddenfromme!”
“Isabel,”Iwarned.
Shewenton,ignoringmeandwavingherindexfingerinmyfakeboyfriend’sdirection,“Whenmysisterstartsdatingsomeone,Iexpectafullreport.Vividdescriptions,photos,videos,oilpaintings—Idon’tcare.EventhosedickpicsImentioned,whichyouneversent.”
“Isabel.”Iloweredmyvoice.“Shutup.Hewillhearyou.”
Wewereonlyafewfeetawayfromthegroup.
Shecockedaneyebrowandthentiltedherheadslowly.
Dammit
“Heisdatingyou.What’sthebigdealwithhimhearingyoutalkaboutitwithyoursister?You’veseenhispenis.Weareallowedtodiscussit.”Sherolledhereyes.“Actually,Ithinkweareexpectedtodothat.I’msurehe’stalkedtohisfriendsaboutyourbubbies.”
Icursedundermybreath.
Shestaredatme,inspectingmyreaction.
IlookednervouslyinAaron’sdirection.Ourgazesmet.Thoseblueeyes,whichalwaysseemedtofindme,heldmineforalongmoment.
Jesus,didhehearthat?
Shakingmyheadverylightly,Ireturnedmygazebacktomysister.
“Youknow,”shesaid,shrugginghershoulders,“youonlymentionedhimacoupleoftimes,soIwasconvinceditwasn’tthatserious.ButI’mnotsosureofthatanymore.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”MyheartspedupasIfearedwhatshemightsay.
Wehadbarelyhadanytimetoactallsnugglyandlovey-doveyorhoweveraboyfriendandgirlfriendweresupposedtobehave.AlltheWeddingCupshenaniganshadconsumedallourtimeandenergy.
“Well,forone,he’shere,”Isabelpointedout.“Youbringinghimhome—tomeetMamáandPapáandbasicallytheentiretown—tellsmethathe’snotjustanyone.Theremustbesomethingspecialabouthim.Youwouldn’tbringsomeoneyouwerecasuallyseeingordating.Noteveniftheylookedlikehim.Youdon’ttrustpeopleeasilyanymore.”
Stumblingovermyownthoughts,Icametoastop.
Herwordshadsmackedmerightintheface.EmptyingmeofanythingIcouldsay.
Impostor.Theaccusationtookshapeinmyhead.HowcoulditnotwhenIwasabig,fatliar?
Isabeltookmysilenceasasigntokeeptalking.“Then,there’sthewayhiseyeshavebeenonyouthewholetimewe’vebeenhere.”
Whoa,what?
“It’sbeenonly,what?Acoupleofhours?Andhe’sstillabsorbedbyyou,watchingandfollowingeverysinglemoveyoumake,asifyouwerepoopingrainbowsandleavingbehindatrailofglitter.ItwouldbedisgustingifIwasn’tinlovemyself.”Shepattedmyhand.“Andtrustme,sis,youallredandblotchy?Notthatcute.”
MyheadwhirledinAaron’sdirectionagain.Hewaschuggingwaterfromabottle,notlookinghalfasphysicallyexertedaseverybodyelse.EvenaftercarryingTeamGroomonhisbackalongwithGonzalo.AsIgotlostinthewayhisarmstretchedandhisthroatworkeddownthewater,IwonderedifmysisterhadimaginedallthatorifAaron’sactingwasthatamazing.MaybeIhadn’tgivenhimenoughcredit.
“Anyway,”sheaddedaswefinallyreachedthegroup,“you’llhavetocatchmeuponthisandtellmeallthedirtydetails.Don’tthinkthatjustbecauseIhaven’tdrilledyouforthem,Idon’twantthem.”Isabelwarnedmewithalookthattoldmeshe’dbugmeuntilIbrokeunderthepressure.“Butuntilthen,justkeepdoingwhateveryouaredoing.”Shewinked.“Because,hermanita,hehasitbad.”
Asnortinvoluntarilyescapedmylips.“Yeah,sure.”
Isabelquirkedaneyebrow.
Ohshit.“Ofcoursehehasitbad,Isa.”Iwavedmyhand.“He’smyboyfriend,”Itriedtoassureher,notsoundinganywhereclosetoconvincing.
So,IquickenedmypaceandleftmybigsisterbehindbeforeIledhertouncoverthewholefarce.Thankfully,assoonasIreachedthegroup,Gabiwasalreadywieldingherprintedscheduleandtryingtogathereveryonecloser.Inaperfectcircle.
Rollingmyeyesatthat,IwatchedmycousinandWeddingCupmastermindstartshoutingoutordersinSpanishwhilewealltriedtoignorehowGonzalosnaggedmysisterfrombehindandengulfedherinanembracethatincludedmorethanafairshareofinappropriategropingandfondling.
“Yikes,”Imutteredundermybreath.“That’smysister.”
Butatthesametime,somethingsqueezedinmychest.Irealizedthatasmallpartofmeobservedthepublicdisplayofaffectionwithsomethingthatfeltalotlikelonging.Andthatcompressingsensationbotheredme;itawokeaveryparticularsetofquestionsIhadnoanswersto.Allofthemrevolvingaroundthesamething.
WouldIeverfindwhatGonzaloandIsabelhad?WouldIeverallowmyselfto?
WouldIeverbesoheadoverheels,crazyinlovethateverythingelsewouldfadetoblacknoise?
MygazesearchedforAaron,notbecauseIwantedhimtoemulateGonzalo,butbecausemaybeeveryoneelseexpectedhimto.NotspottinghimanywhereinthelessthanperfectcircleofpeoplearoundGabi,Igrewalittleconcernedassheshotmoreandmoreinstructionstothegroup.Hisheadwouldrollifhedidn’tgethereASAP.
Alighttouchonmyarmgrabbedmyattention.Turningmyhead,Iwaswelcomedbyapairofblueeyesthatregardedmewithsomethingstrange.
“Hereyouare,”IwhisperedloudlywhileGabikeptgoingatitinthebackground.“Iwasscaredforyourwell-being.Wheredidyougo?”
“I’vebeenrightherethewholetime.”
Thatstrangequalitywasstillthere.ButIbrusheditaway.IhadnotimetoinspectwhateverI’dthoughtIsawinAaron’seyes.Instead,Ifocusedonhowgoodhelookedinhisnylonshortsandshort-sleevedhenley.
“Areyouhavingfun?”Heofferedmeabottleofwater,pushingitgentlyinmydirection.
“Oh,thankyou.”Ireachedforitwithbothhands,managingtobrushmypalmsalonghisfingerssomehow.Sparkstraveledallthewayupmyarms,makingmeretrievemyhandsquicklyandholdthebottletomychest.“Thatwas…sweet.Veryboyfriend-likeofyou.”Ilookedupathim,findinghimfrowning.Ididn’tgivehimthechancetocomplain.“Andnottoomuchfun,tobecompletelyhonest,”Iadmittedwithasmallpout.IhadbeenseriouswhenItoldmysisterthatIwasreadytocallitaday.“ThankGodweareabouttobedonehere.Otherwise,I’dhavetofakebreakingalegorawrist.”Iloweredmyvoice.“OrknockingoffGabiwithsomething.”
“Ihopewedon’tgettothatpoint.”Therightsideofhismouthtippedup.“What’sleftthen?”
“Well,Gabisavedthebestforlast.”Isighed.“Nowcomestherealcompetition.”Igesturedwithmyhands,asifIwereunveilingahugesurprise.“ThestaroftheWeddingCup:thesoccermatch.”
Aaronhummed,lostinthoughtforashortmoment.“Idon’tthinkI’veeverplayedsoccer.”
Iperkedup.“Never,ever?”Iwatchedhisheadnod.Achancetowin.“Like,notevenonce?”
“Notevenonce,”heanswered.HismouthopenedandthenclampeddownwhenGabihushedusinthedistance.
Jesus,thatwomanneededtocooldown.Westraightenedandfacedawayfromeachother.
Aaronloweredhisvoice,speakingfromthesideofhismouth,“Youthinkthatwillbeaproblem?Sheseems…alittlestrict.”
“Oh,Iwouldn’tworryabouther.”Iwavedmyhand,keepingmyeyesupfront.“You,ontheotherhand?I’dworryaboutgettingthehangofitintime.”
Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsensedAaronglancingoveratmequickly.
“AndwhathappensifIdon’t?”
Mysmileturnedlopsided.“Then,TeamGroomwilllose.Miserably.”
Ididn’tthinkthatwouldhappen,butAaronhadadmittedtosomethinghewasn’tamazingat.Andthatwasnew.Istoleaquickglanceinhisdirection;hehadtiltedhisheadandcrossedhisarmsoverhischest.
“Ifyouendupsuckingatsoccerandmessingup,everybodywillblameyou.Butit’sokay;youcan’tbegoodateverything.”
Hedidn’tmoveorsayanything.
“Andyoucouldn’tbescaredofdancingwiththerestoftheguys,right?”Anotherquicklookallowedmetoseethewordchallengewrittenalloverhisface.Isnickered.“Oh,maybeyouare.Ididn’tpegyouforachicken,butitkindalooksgoodonyou.MaybeIshouldcallyoupollitoinsteadofosito.”
Hisheadturnedveryslowly.MygazeremainedonhimasIhelplesslyforgotaboutGabi.
“Didyoujustcallmeachicken?”hesaid,theblueinhiseyesflaring.“Intwodifferentlanguages?”
“Oh,youbetIdid.Iwouldbescaredtoo.Ourteamisstrong.”Itwasn’t.“Andjustsoyouknow,Imakeforawonderfulcentraldefender.”Ididn’t.“Butmaybeyoudon’tknowwhatthatmeans.It’sokay.JustknowthatsomeusedtocallmeRuthlessLina.”Notexactlytrueeither.
Ofallsportsinvolvingballs,soccerwasprobablytheoneIsuckedattheleast.AlthoughifIhadeverbeencalledruthless,itwasn’tbecauseIexcelledatplayingthegame,butbecauseIruthlesslyatethefloor.
“Centraldefender,huh?”
Inodded.Hedidn’tneedtoknowthetruth.
Aarondippedhishead,hisvoicedroppingtoo.“Areyoutryingtoimpressmewithsportslingo,Catalina?”
Thewayhehadsaidmynamewasnew.Icouldn’texplainhow,butithadbeendifferentfromanyothertimehehadvoicedthosefoursyllables.Anditsentashiverdancingdownmyarms.
“It’ssexy,butdon’teverfeellikeyouneedtoimpressme.Ialreadyam.”
Mylipsparted.Ithoughtmybreathhadhitchedtoo.Sexy.Hadhereallysaidthatoutloud?Myeyessearchedhisfaceforanytraceofsarcasmorevidencethatithadbeenajoke.ButbeforeIcouldfindanything,acommotionbrokebehindus.
Turning,Idiscoveredthenewcomerresponsibleforit.ThemomentIgotaglimpseoftheheadofdarkblondhairIknew—orhadknown—sowell,aheavyweightdroppedtothepitofmystomach.
Myexwashere.Daniel.Oratleast,anolderversionofthemanIremembered.Backwhenwehaddated,hecouldhavebeenmistakenforaguymyage.Butthathadchanged.Inthetimewehadnotseeneachother,thewayhelookedhadcaughtupwithhisage.Andhehadagedwell.Timehadtreatedhimkindly.TheDanielwhowasstridinginmydirectionwasanattractiveforty-year-oldman,onewhomovedwiththeconfidenceonlysomeonewhowalkedinfrontofaclassfilledwithcollegestudentseverydaywouldhave.
Althoughhehadalwayshadthatconfidence,hadn’the?Wasn’tthatexactlywhathadledmetocrushonmyprofessorinthefirstplace?ItwasduringthatveryfirstlectureIattended.Hewalkedin,clearedhisthroat,andflashedthatdimple.Itdidn’ttakemorethanthat.Ihadbeenagoner.
Alame,patheticgoner,crushingonherPhysicsprofessor.OrsoIhadthought,butthen,bysomemagicalturnofevents,hehadreciprocatedmyattention.Hedidmorethanthat.AndIhadbelievedwehadsomethingreal.Somethinglasting,justhowGonzaloandIsabeldid.
Andtheneverythinghadblownupinmyface.Notinourfaces,no.Danielhadbeensparedthenightmare.
“IsthatDaniel?”Aaron’slowandhushedquestionreturnedmebacktothepresent.
Iturnedtohimbriefly,notfindingmywordssoIjustnodded.
Myattentionjumpedbacktowheremyex—andthebestman—was,andasIwatchedhowhehuggedandclappedhisbrother’sback,IfeltAaronsteppingclosertome.Ididn’tmove.Iwasrootedtothefloor.
Aaronclosedsomemoreofthedistancebetweenus,positioninghimselftomyside,rightbehindme.AndIwasshockedatthewarmththathisbodyradiatedonmybackandhowhissidequashedsomeoftheuneasiness.Itreassuredme.Hedid.AndIdidn’tunderstandhoworwhy,butIdidn’thavethetimetopickthatapart.NotwithDanielandeverybodyelsethere.So,Ijustheldontoit.
Iinhaleddeeplyandwatchedhowthebestmanstartedtheroundofgreetingeveryonewithkissesandhugs.Aroundthegrouphewent,andIsworetherewassomethingsuspendedintheairashedid.AsifeverysinglepersonaroundmewasholdingtheirbreathuntilthemomentDanielreachedme.
Hatinghowtheatmosphereseemedtothickenwitheverypairofeyesthatturnedtome,IremindedmyselfthatIhadalreadybeenexpectingthatkindofreaction.EverybodyknewwhathadhappenedbetweenDanielandme.Howuglyitgotandhowharditwasforme.Andmosthadpitiedmebackthen.Iknewmostofthemdidinthismoment,andsomealwayswould.
Danieltookthatonelaststepinmydirection,causingachurningsensationtotwistmystomachinknots.
“Lina.”
IthadbeenagessinceIhadheardmynamefromDaniel’smouth.Itbroughteverythingrightback,thegoodmomentswehadshared—andtherehadbeenreallyamazingmoments—allthatjoythatcamehandinhandwithafirstloveyoufoolishlythoughtwasgoingtolastforever,butalsoallthepainathavingthatturnedintoanoceanofhurt.Because,sure,Danielhadbeentheonetobreakmyheart,buttherealdamagehadbeendonebyeverybodyelse.Byeveryonewhohadlearnedofourrelationshipandtarnisheditwithstupidandpoisonousrumorsthat—
No.Notthetimetothinkofthat.
Danielplacedahandonmyupperarmandplantedakissonmycheek.Ifithadn’tbeenforAaron’swarmpalm,whichhadsomehowlandedonthesmallofmyback,Iwouldhavestumbledbackward.Thatwashowoffguardthatfriendlykisshadcaughtme.
Mygazeroamedaroundthegroup,confirmingthateverypersonpresenthadtheireyeballsturnedonus.
Danielseemedoblivioustoallthegawking,smilingatmelikewewereoldfriendsbeingreunitedafteryearsofnotseeingeachother.WhichwastheexactoppositeofhowIfelt.
Helookedmeupanddown.“Dios,Lina.Cuántotiempo.Mírate.Estás—”
“Daniel,”Icuthimoff.“ThisisAaron,”Iblurtedout,pullingawayfromhimandnestlingmyselfastepfurtherintomyfakeboyfriendandpersonalhuman-sizedshield.
Daniel’sfurrowedeyebrowssignaledhisconfusion.ProbablybecauseIhadswitchedtoEnglishmorethanbecauseIwasintroducinghimtosomeoneIwassupposedlydating.
“Hi.I’mherboyfriend,”Aaronsaidpolitely,stretchinghishandinfrontofhim.“Sunovio,”heclarifiedinSpanishforDaniel’ssake.Whichwascompletelyunnecessaryandkindofcocky,andinsomeparallelreality,itwouldhavepulledasnickeroutofme.Butmylipsremainedpressedintoatenseline.“It’snicetomeetyou,Daniel.”
Myexandsister’sfiancé’sbestfriendstaredatAaronforabriefmomentandthenbrokeintoawarybutamiablesmile.“Sí,claro.Nicetomeetyou,Aaron.”DanielfinallytookAaron’shandandshookit.“I’manoldfriendofLina.”
SomethingpulledtightinmystomachatDaniel’sdefinitionofwhatwehadoncebeen.
Assoonasbothmenretrievedtheirarms,Danielreturnedhisattentiontome,andAaron’spalmreturnedtomyback.
“Howhaveyoubeen,Lina?Youlookso…different.”Daniel’ssmilewidened.“Different,butgood.Youlookamazingactually.”
Hiseyeskeptassessingme,asifhecouldn’tbelievethatitwasme.AndIwasn’treallysurehowIfeltaboutthat,soIforcedmylipstocurlup.
“Thanks,Daniel.Ihavebeenfine,busywithworkand…life.”
“That’sright.”Myexnoddedhishead.“YouarelivingthelifeinNewYorkCity.Ialwaysknewyouhadthepotentialtodogreatthings,togetveryfarinyourcareer.”
Hehadbeenmyprofessorforawholeyearbeforewestartedproperlydating,andduringthattime,Ihadbeenahighlymotivatedstudent.Anoverachiever.Thingshadchangedafterthat.
“Andyoudid.”
“Thanks,”Imuttered.Mymindfilingawayallkindsofcomplaints.“It’snotthatbigofadeal.”
Aaronclearedhisthroatlightly.“Itis,”hesaidsoftly.SomuchthatIthoughthehadsaiditjustforme.Butthenhekeptgoing,“LinaleadsaconsiderablylargeteamofpeopleinoneofthemostsuccessfulengineeringconsultingcompaniesinNewYork.Thatis,byallstandards,abigdeal.”
“Wow.”Danielsmiledtightly.“That’samazing,Lina.Itis.”Hislipsturnedsomewhatmorerelaxed.“Congratulations.”
Imutteredmythanks,stillfeelingflushedoverAaron’swords.
Therewasalongandawkwardmomentofsilence,andthenDaniel’seyesbouncedquicklybetweenAaronandme.“So,thisishim,huh?TheAmericanboyfriend.”
Myheadrearedback,shockedbyDaniel’swordchoice.Withmyshoulderstensing,mymouthopenedwiththeintentionofaskingwhatthathadbeen,butIfeltAaron’shandtrailingupmyback,stoppingatthenookbetweenmyshoulderandmyneck.Histhumbbrushedtheskinthereverygently.Thattouch—thatthumbcaressingthesideofmyneck—almostmademeforgetaboutwhowasinfrontofmeandwhathehadsaidorifhehadtalkedatall.Hisfingerswipedrightandleftonemoretime,makingashiverrundownmyspine.
Closingmyeyesbriefly,IpulledmyselfbackintotheconversationanddecidedtoignoreDaniel’slastcomment.“Congratulationsontheengagement.”Imademylipstugup.“I’mveryhappyforyou,Daniel.”
Daniel’seyes,whichhadbeensomewherewhereAaron’spalmwas,metmine.HenoddedandflashedthatdimpleIhadbeensofamiliarwithinthepast.“Thankyou,Lina.I’mextremelygratefulshesaidyes.It’snotthateasytodealwithmesometimes.IgetlostinmyheadalotwhenI’mworking,”hesaid,slippinghishandsinhispockets.“Well,noneedtoexplainthattoyou.Youknowthatalready.”
Yes,Idid.EverybodyhereknewIdidtoo.Hehadn’tneededtopointthatout.Notafterdowngradingourpasttooldfriends
Myfakeboyfriend’spalmspreadandshifteddownmyshoulder,hisfingerstrailingdownmyarmandreachingmyhand.Itwassoverydistracting,thewayhetouchedme.Andyet,hemanagedtokeepmegrounded,allatonce.Everytimemyheadhadthreatenedtoroamaway,Aaronhadpulledmerightbackbeforemyfeetcouldliftoffthefloor.Thosegentlebrushesagainstmyskinhadthatpower,Irealized.AndjudgingbythewaymyvoicecameoutwhenIspokenext—breathy,weak—theyalsocameataprice.
“Well,Iwishyoutwothebest.”Anddespitemyself,Imeantthat.“Willshebejoiningustoday?”
Aaron’sfingerswrappedaroundmine,awakeninginmesomethingthaturgedmetoturnaroundtolookathim.Isuppressedit,keepingmygazeonDaniel.
“Unfortunately,Martawon’tbeabletomakeit.Alast-minuteworkthing.She’salsoaprofessor,andshewascalledtoaconferencetocoverforacolleague.”Danielshruggedhisshoulders.
AndImadeanotetotalktomysisterlater.Iwasundertheimpressionthebridewouldknowifsomeonehadcanceled.
“It’sallgoodthough.”Daniel’seyesjumpedtoAaron’shandonemoretime,hisexpressiondistracted.“Attendingaweddingaloneisnotallthatdramatic.Plus,Iwouldn’twanttomakeitaboutme.”Myexpinnedmewithalook.
Andwasthat…accusationthatIsawinhiseyes?
“I…”Itrailedoff,second-guessingmyself.Mycheeksburned,andIcouldn’tdomuchelsebutgape.
“Then,whywastemoretimetalkingaboutit?”Aaronmanagedtoflattenhisvoice,aboutenoughtosoundbored.ButIknewbetter.“I’mexcitedtoseewhatcomesnext,”hesurprisedmebysaying.Then,hisfingerssqueezedmine.“LinawastellingmethatGabisavedthebestforlast.Right,baby?”
Heleanedandbrushedhislipsovermyshoulder.Verysoftly.Impossiblylightly.Butitmademybodycomealive.
“Right,”Ibreathedout.Urgingtheshockoutofmyexpression.
God,Icouldstillfeeltheimprintofhislipsonmyshoulder.Thetouchsomehowspreadingoutacrossmyskin.
“Oh,andwhat’sthat?”Danielasked.Oratleast,Iguessedhehadbecausemymindwassomewhereelse.
Aaronkissedme.Onmyshoulder.
Thetemperatureofmywholebodyhadprobablyrisenacouple—orten—degrees.
It’sgood.ThisiswhatcouplesdoTheykisseachother.OnmultiplebodypartsLikeshoulders.
“Thesoccermatch.We’llbestartinginafewminutes,Ithink,”IheardAaronexplain.“Linahaspromisedmetoshowmeallhermoves.Iwon’tlie;I’mequalpartsintriguedandterrified.”
Tryingtolookthepart,IleanedmyheadonAaron’schest.AndIalmostslippedtothefloorwhenIfelthimbrushanotherkissonmyhair.
“Yeah.”Isaid,mybreathgettingstucksomewhereinmythroat.“RuthlessLinaisabouttomakeanappearance.”
Aaronchuckled,andIfelthischestvibratingundermytemple.Thehandthatwasn’tholdingminecametorestonmyhip,sendingelectricalshocksthroughallnerveendingsinmybody.
Breathe,Lina.He’ssupposedtoactlikethis.
Iforcedmyselftoremainstillwhen,inreality,Iwantedtodoeverythingelsebutthat.LikeforgettingaboutDanielandaskingAaronwhatintheworldhewasdoing.Whyhadhekissedmyshoulder?Orthetopofmyhead?CouldhepleasedothatagainjustsoIcouldcheckifmyreactionhadbeenaone-timeoccurrenceorifthatwasthewaymybodyreactedtohistouch?
Daniel’smouthopenedandclosed,ashewasprobablyfeelinguncomfortableatourdisplayofaffection.
Offakeaffection,Iremindedmyself.
Myexandformerprofessorlookedup,someplacewhereAaron’sheadtoweredovermine.Somethingflashedacrosshisface,tooquicklyformetograspitsmeaning.Then,henoddedanddirectedasmallsmileatme.
Notreallyunderstandingwhathadjustgonedownbeforethetwomen,IfinallyallowedmyselftolookupatAaron.
And…nothing.Justoneofhisblankexpressionsinplace.
SomeonecalledDaniel’snameinthedistance.Myheadfelljustintimetowatchmyexwalkaway,allthewaytowhereGonzalowasstanding.Hetookhisplacebesidehisbrother.
Stillfeelingtheweirdtensionintheair,Idrewashallowbreath.
Ugh,thathadbeenreallyawkward.IfeltlikeIwantedtoshakemyself,soIcouldgetridoftheyuckysensationthatstucktomyskin.ButthatwouldhaveriddenmeofallthetinglesIwasstillfeelingtoo.ThatwouldalsomeanthatIhadtodisentanglemyselffromAaron’sarmandchestandbody,and…Ididn’tknowifIwantedtodothat.
Youdo,dumbass.Thisisnotreal.
AndIneededtorememberthatbeforeIdidsomethingreallystupid.
***
Ifthechaosaroundmewasanythingtogoby,I’dsaywehadalittlesituationinourhands.
“Nomelopuedocreer,”mycousincriedinthemiddleofalessthanperfectcircleofpeople,throwingherarmsintheairliketheworldwascomingtoanend.“Nopodemosjugarasí.Secancelatodo.Estoundesastre.No,no,no,no.”
ShegrabbedafewoftheT-shirtsfromtheopenboxatherfeetandhurledthematthefloor.
Whoa
“Esosmalnacidos—”
“Cálmate,prima,”Isabelinterrupted,tellinghertocalmdown.“Quéimporta.Sonsolounascamisetas.”
Ourcousingaspedandthenhissedsomethingreallynastyatmysister,whobarkedrightbackather.
Aaronleanedtohissideandthenloweredhisvoice.“Whatisgoingon?Shouldwerun?”
Istifledasnicker.Ididn’twanttoangerGabianymore.Shewaseitherabouttocryorturnfull-onShe-Hulk,andnomatterwhat,we’dhavetodealwiththefallout.
“There’sbeenamix-upwiththeT-shirtsforthesoccermatch.”Isighed.“Apparently,theysenttheonesfortheTeamGroominthesmallestsizeinsteadofthelargest.”
“Can’tweplaywithwhatwearewearing?”thepoorsoulthatwasmyfakeboyfriendasked.
Gabi’sheadspuntowardus.“Quéhadicho?”shescreeched.
“Nada.”Iheldmyhandsintheair.Then,IturnedtoAaron.“Keepyourvoicedown.Didn’tyouseehowshegotwhenmycousinMatíasaskedwhyshehadn’tthoughtofhandingouttheshirtsearliertoday?OrwhenAdriánsaiditwouldhavebeensmarttodoublecheckthesizesbeforetoday?”
Aaron’slipspursed.
“Exactly.Goodthingmysisterinterceptedherbeforeshegottothem.Theyaretoughguysbutitwouldhavebeenacarnageeitherway.”Ishookmyhead.“Youaretoughtoo,butIneedyouinonepiece,okay?”Istoppedmyself,realizingwhatIhadsaid.“Weareexpectedtodanceatthewedding.”
“I’mnotgoinganywhere,”Aaronsaidfrommyside.“Icansurviveyourcousin.Icouldputusbothintosafetytoo.Justsaytheword.”
IavertedmyeyesandglancedinGabi’sdirection.Ared-facedIsabelwastryingtojerktheboxoutofGabi’sgrip.Andmycousinwastuggingatitquite…violently,ifIhadtopickaword.
Mysisteryelped,andthenshesteppedbackandbroughtbothhandstoherhead.“No,no,no,no.”Shewalkedtothecenterofthecircle,wavingherhandsintheair.“Wewillplaythesoccermatch.That’sit,”sheannouncedandthenturnedtoGabi.“Iamthebride,andyouguysareobligatedtodoasIsay.”
Isnortedatthat,whichearnedmeanextremelythreateningglancefrommysister.Istiffened.
Jesus,thisweddingwouldbetheendofallofus.
Mysisterturnedtoourcousin.“Gabi,noeselfindelmundo.”It’snottheendoftheworld,shetoldourcousin.“You”—sheturnedtomeagain—“formynextwedding,wearesippingmargaritas.”
Ibitbackalaugh,butyep,Iwholeheartedlyagreed.
“Allright.It’ssummer,thesunisshining,andIjusthadthebestidea.”Shepauseddramatically,lookingaroundthecircleofpeople.“TeamGroomwillplay…shirtless!”Herarmsroseintheair.
Nobodyspoke.
“Comeon,gentlemen.”Isabel’stonehardened.“It’salwaystheladiesundressingandshowingsomeskin.Thistimeisuptoyoutoshowoffthoseweddingbodies.”
Moresilence.
Isabelglancedathergroom,who,justlikeeverybodyelse,wasstillchewingonhersuggestion.
Shewidenedhereyesandswirledherfingerintheair,instructingGonzalotosnapoutofit.“Dosomething!”
Myfuturebrother-in-lawperkedup.“Ah!”Thegroomshedhisshirt,revealinghischestinallhisdark-hairedglory.Hethrewhisarmsup.“Wellsaid,cari?o!”heroared.“Comeon,gentlemen.Shirtsoff.”
Mysisterrewardedhisfiancéwithahollerandsomeenthusiasticclapping.
Daniel,asthebestman,tookoffhisshirtnext.Almostreluctantly,fromthewayheshookhishead.Mygazeinvoluntarilytookhimin.Itwasn’tashock,seeinghow,despitenotbeinganywhereclosetobeingbuff—whichhehadneverbeen—hewasstillinreallygoodshape.Andyet…Ifeltnothing.Nostirringanywhereinmybody.
Thegroup’samusementgrewasmoreofTeamGroom’smembersfollowedGonzalo’sandDaniel’slead.Well,nobodypresentwasreallycomplaining,probablyfearingmysister’sreaction,who,atthispoint,wascheeringateverynewfoundshirtlessmale.EvenGabi’sfrustrationatlosinghergripofthegroup’scontroldecreasedastheatmosphereturnedlighter.
Thatwas,untilDanielopenedhismouthandbroughtdownthefunatmosphere
“Whataboutyou,Americanboy?”Danielpointedatthestillfullyclothedmanstandingbesideme.“Areyousittingthisoneout?”
Americanboy.
Myeyeswidened.Hehadjustcalledmyboyfriend—fakeboyfriend,Icorrectedmyself.
Hadmyexjustcalledmyfakeboyfriendaboy?
Sure,DanielwasabouteightornineyearsolderthanAaron.Butcallinghimaboy?
MyheadswiveledinAaron’sdirection.
Justintimetoseehisreaction.Hisjawrelaxed,thestartofa…smileplayingonhislips.
Then,hedidn’thesitate.Calmly—scarilyso—myfakeboyfriendleveledDanielwithalookthatwouldmakeanybodyrunforthehills.Thelookthathadearnedhimhisreputationbackatwork.Itwastheonehebrandishedasawarningsign.Anditmeanttrouble.Seriousbusiness.
Holdingmybreath,IwatchedAaron’sfingersreachforthehemofhisshirt.
OhmyGod,he’sgonnadoit.Myfakeboyfriendandfuturebossisundressingbeforemyeyes
Hepulleditup,andinoneswiftmotion—worthyofoneofthoseperfumeadswhereeverything,exceptthecompellingandotherworldlymodelintheframe,blurredintothebackground—Aaronpeeledoffhisshirt.
Iblinked.
MadredeDios.
Aaronwas…hewas…
Fuck
Hewas…gorgeous—no,hewasmorethanjustthat.
Aaronwasafreakingsighttobehold
Andhisunbelievable,out-of-this-world,ad-worthyupperbodywassoflawlessthatitmademewanttoweep.
Iwasashallow,shallowwoman.ButIcouldn’tcare.
AsmygazegobbledAaroninallhisshirtlessness,Ifelttheairbeingpunchedoutofmylungs.I’dthoughtIhadalwaysbeenimpressed—almostfascinated,ifIwasbeingcompletelyhonest—byhisheightandsize.Butiftherewassomethingmoreimpressive,morefascinatingthanthat,itwashisheightandsizedeckedwithhardmusclesofallsortsandtypes.
JesusChrist.Werehisabssculptedinstone?
Mystupid,hungryeyestraveledfromhisbroadshoulderstohischiseledchestandthenkeptgoingdown,takinginslabsofabsthatmyimaginationwouldneverhavebeenabletofabricateinsuchperfection.Andhowhisstrongarmslookedbare,cordedwithpowerfulmuscles?Iwouldneverhavebeenabletoimaginethateither.Frankly,Ialmostwantedtopokethemantocheckifitwasallreal.
Thoseboringdressshirtsdidhimnojustice.Thatcasualoutfithehadworntotheflighthadn’teither.Noteventhetuxhehadworntothefundraiserdidhisbodyanyjustice.
Hewas…too…beautiful.
Yeah,Iwasoglingatthatpoint,andIdidn’treallygiveadamn.Notthistime.Thiswasahistoricalmoment.Ihadaflawless,shirtlessAaronstandinginfrontofme,probablyforthefirstandonlytimeever.AndIwantedtocommitthisimagetomemory.Evenifithauntedmefortherestofmylife,I’dlivewithit.
LoudcheeringandclappingbrokethroughthevacuumIhadbeensuckedin.Blinking,IrealizedAaron’seyeswereonme.Ourgazesmet.Therewassomethingintentandhungrybehindthatdeepoceanblue.Somethingbarelycontrolled.That,orIwasseeingmyownemotionsreflectedandlookingbackatme.
Cheeksflushed,Iwascompletelyandutterlyunpreparedforwhatthehalf-nakedmaninfrontofmedidnext.Aaron’seyestwinkledundertheSpanishsun,onecornerofhislipscurled,giftingmewithafull-fledgedsmirk,andthenhewinked.
Asingle,quick,playfulwink.
Thatwasallittookformyinsidestomeltintoapuddle.Brain,chest,lowerbelly,andeverythinginbetweenliquefiedandgatheredatmyfeet.
Nope.Ihadn’tbeenunpreparedforthat.Ihadbeencompletelydefenseless
Aaroncrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischest,lookingsomewhatsatisfied,andreturnedhisgazeahead,towhereTeamGroomwasgatheringtostartthesoccermatch,asifhehadn’tjustmadepartsofmybodydissolveintoagooIdidn’tknowwhattodowith.
Thatflawless,shirtless,blue-eyedbastard.Throwingmeoff-balancelikethat.
Ihadbeensocaughtupinallthat,thatIhadn’tnoticedDaniel’sapprehensivegaze.ItbouncedacoupleoftimesbetweenAaronandmebeforefinallysettlingonthemanhethoughtIwasdating.Notforlongthough.Amomentafterthat,Danielturned,clappedGonzalo’sback,andstartedtowardtheimprovisedsoccerfield.
Beforejoiningtherestoftheguys,Aaronsteppedintome,stoppingonlywhenthepointofoursneakerstouched.Heleanedin,hismouthdangerouslyclosetomyear,asifhewereabouttotellmeasecretjustmeantforme.
Mythroatbobbed.
“Whatdoyouthink?”heasked,hiswordsticklingtheshellofmyear.
“Youare…okay,”Imumbledlikeatotalidiot.
Iheardhischuckle.“Thankyou,Ithink.ButIwasn’taskingaboutthat.”
Oh
“I’lltakethecomplimentthough.Fornow.”
“What-whatdidyoumeanthen?”
“Ithinkthatsofar,wearedoingagoodjob.Whatdoyouthink?”
Oh,sohemeantthat.Thecharade,ofcourse.Yes,thatmademoresense.
Inoddedmyhead.
“Wemakeagoodteam,Catalina.”Andthereitwas,mynameagain.Voicedinthatwaythatwasall…new.
Iclearedmythroat,tryingtoignorethefactthatmyfacewasaboutapalmfromhisflawlessandbarepectoral.“Wedo,”Imurmured.
Aaronloweredhisvoice.“Ihadnoideawewouldwalkintothat.”Hecockedhishead.“Caughtmeoffguard,butit’sokay.I’mstartingtounderstand.”
Confusionswirledinme.Therewasnothingtounderstand.Granted,therewasapartIhadn’ttoldAaron—whichwasn’tthesmartestwaytogoaboutit—butthatremainedinthepast.Itdidn’taffectourgoalhere.
“Justkeepdoingwhatyouaredoing,”Itoldhim,swallowingthelumpstuckinmythroat.“Focusonpretendingyouarecrazyaboutme,allright?”
Iheardhimhum;itwasalowandshort-livedsound,butitwasenoughtomakemestepback,soIcouldlookathisface.HiseyesheldthatdeterminededgeIknewsowell.
“Trustme,Iamfocusingononlythat.”
BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,Aaronstartedjoggingback.“Andremember,”hecalledinthedistance,“allisfairinloveandwar,bollito.”
Almosteverybodyaroundturnedtheireyesonme.Mygazemetmysister’s,andshewasgrinningsowidelythatIwasscaredhermouthwouldinevitablyhurtonherweddingday.
Reluctantly,Ismiledbackatalltheonlookers,pretendingIwascoolandchillandnottryingtogathermywits.“Oh,he’ssosilly,”Itoldthem.“Noneedtoremindme,cositamía!”IcalledbacktoAaron.
ButAaronhadalreadyshotup,runningaftertherestofhisteam.Leavingmestandingthere,watchinghowallthepolishedmusclesonhisbackdancedwitheachofhisstridesandwonderingwhatthehellthatwassupposedtomean.
Myeyesnarrowed.
“Allisfairinloveandwar.”
Itwasinaway,Iguessed.WhatIhadtroublemakingsenseofwas,howdidthatapplywhenlovewasfake,andadversarieswereleftnochoicebuttojoinforces?ChapterSeventeen
Againstallodds,wewereclosetotheendofthesoccermatch,andbothteamsweretied.
Onewouldthinkthathavingtoplayagainstagroupofshirtlessdudeswasdisconcerting.ButIwasrelatedtoabigchunkofthem.Ihadalreadyseeneverythingtherewastoseeaboutoneofthem—Daniel.Andoutofthetworemainingmen,onewasabouttomarrymysister.So,thatreducedmydistractionsconsiderably.
Mymainandonlysourcebeingjustone.
OnethatIusuallydidaprettygoodjobatignoringwhenwewereinourreal-worldroles.Contrarytotheroleswewerecurrentlyplaying,whereI,asthegirlfriend,wasallowedtogawk.AndwhereAaron,astheboyfriend,wasapparentlyallowedtolooklikeamanshootingaSportsIllustratedcover.
Becausethatwasexactlyhowasweaty,shirtlessAaronlooked,runningacrossthegreenfieldaftertheball.
Andthatwasexactlywheremytwoveryshallowandverystupideyeshadbeenallthetime.Followinghimaroundliketwodumbbugsirremediablydrawnbyanirresistiblelight.Andjustlikethebug,myeyeshadnoself-preservationinstinct.Bytheendoftheday,theimageswouldbeburnedintomyretinas,andthere’dbenowayI’deverbeabletogetridofthem.
Hell,Ialreadyfeltalittlelikeacharredinsect.Sweatwasrunningdownmyback,andmyskinwasonfirefrombeingunderthesun.Ontopofthat,myhungerhadturnedintostarvation,andnomatterhowhardItriedtostayfocusedonthegame,myattentionalwaysshiftedtoAaron’slonglegs,stridingfromonepointtothenext.Tohowthemusclesacrosshistorsostrainedandrelaxedashemoved.Tothelittledropstravelingdownhischest,acrossthosegloriouspecs.Tohowmybloodseemedtosimmerandswirleverytimeourgazesmet.
So,yeah,Ifeltickyandbotheredandhot.Innoparticularorder.
Andyet,somehow,TeamBridehadstillscoredasmanygoalsastheguys.Bafflingreally,butwhatdidIknow?Ihadbeentoobusy,oglingmyflawless,glisteningfakeboyfriend.
Gonzalo’svoiceboomedacrossthefield,allthewaytowhereIwas.“Vamos!Theycannotwinthis!”Heaccompaniedeachofhiswordswithanaggressiveclap.“Fiveminutes!We’vegotfiveminutes,guys!Weneedtowinthisshit!”
Asthemenregroupedontheirsideofthefield,InoticedhowDanielapproachedGonzaloandAaron,gesturingwithhishandsandpointingatourgoal.
“Madremía,”Isabelsaidfromherpositionasourgoalie,afewstepsbehindme.“Ithinktheyaremakingstrategicchanges.Thisdoesn’tlookgood,hermanita.”
AsItookinthemen’smotionsandconsequentchangeinpositions,mysister’ssuspicionswereconfirmed.
“Wearescrewed,Isa,”Iassessedwithoutturningtoher.“TheyareswitchingAarontothefront.Theyareusinghimasastriker.”
“Mierda.ClarkKentisgoingtobetheoneattacking?”Mysistercametomysideandnarrowedhereyesinthedirectionofouropponents.“Quick,takeoffyourshirttoo.Thatwilldistracthim.”
Iscoffed.“What?No.”
“But,Lina—”
“I’mnottakingmyshirtoff.Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”
“Butyourbubbieswilldistractyourboyfriend.”
“Theywon’t,trustme.”RealizingwhatI’dsaidwasnotexactlygirlfriend-like,Iexplained,“He’salreadyseenallthereistosee.So,forgetit.”
“Then,danceorwiggle.Dowhateverrockshisboat.”
Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“No.”
“Fine.Then,wearegoingdown.”
“Notwithoutafight,”Iassuredherandthenbroughtmyhandstomymouthandproceededtodothesamewiththerestoftheteam.“Vamos,chicas!Todavíapodemosganar!”
Mywordsofencouragementwerenaive;therewasnowaywecouldstillwinthematch.NotwithAaronstriking.AndcertainlynotifIflashedhim,likeIsabelhadsuggested.
Turningbacktomysister,Ipointedafingerather.“Rememberthismomentwhenthelosers,whichnodoubtwillbeus,aredancingforeveryonetonight.Nexttime,ifyouwanttobetandjeopardizemyrep,pickquiznight.Notstupidsoccer.Now,let’strytofinishthiswithasmuchdignityaswecan.”
AsIfacedtheotherteam,alltheguysclickedintoaction.Mygazefocusedontheball,passingfromoneplayertothenext,allofthemleavingeveryTeamBridememberhelplesslybehind.Soonenough,IwaswitnessinghowtheballlandedatAaron’sfeet,who,forhishulkingsize,movedwithincredibleagilityandskill.
Forsomeonewhohadneverplayedsoccerbefore,hehadgottenthehangofitprettydamnfast.
Aaron’sloomingfigureapproachedmeswiftly,eatingawaythedistance.Waytooquicklyformybraintoordermylimbstokickintoaction.
Mierda
InanattempttostophiminanywayIcouldthatdidn’tinvolvegettingnaked,Ilaunchedmyselfinhisdirectionwiththepurposeofinterceptingtheball.Orhim.Anythingwoulddo.Unfortunately,thatintentlandednowherenearwhereI’dexpected.JustwhenIwasabouttoreachhim,myfootgotcaughtinalittlebumponthegrass,causingmetotripandbecatapultedforward.
Somuchforendingthiswithdignity
AsIbracedmyselfforapainfullanding,myeyelidsshutinvoluntarily.Iwasswallowedbydarkness,countingthesecondsandmillisecondsleftfortheupcomingcrushagainstthegrass.Three,two,one…
Nothing.Impactneverensued.Onemoment,Ihadbeenflying,eyesclosedandabouttoface-plantonthefloor,andthenext,Iwassomehowsuspendedintime.No,Iwassuspendedintheair.Notunderstandinghow,Iblinkedmyeyesopen,justasahumphwaspunchedoutofmylips.
Mymidsectionlandedagainstsomethinghard.
Then,Iwasgreetedbythesightofglistening,smoothskin.Aflawlessback.Mygazetraileddown,takinginatightbacksideinsportsshorts,followedbyapairofmuscledcalves.
UnderstandingsankinasIrealizedIwashangingoffsomeone.Particularlyoffsomeone’sshoulder—Aaron’sshouldertobeonehundredpercentexact.
Whatinthe—
Everybodyseemedtobeonboard,iftheclappingandcheeringarounduswereanyindication.Ignoringthelittlecommotionbehindus,Aaronrearrangedmeonhisbroadshoulder,grippingmywaistgentlybutfirmly.Acomplaintroseanddiedinmythroatasheshotoff,running.
“Aaron,”Iscreechedwithurgency.
Hewasrunningwithmehangingoffhimlikeagoddamnhuman-sizedpotatosack.
Witheverystride,thesymmetricandstrainedstringsofmuscleonhisbackmoved.Hisbacksidetoo.Distractingme.
Dammit,Lina,no.Focus
“Aaron,”Irepeated,beingignoredagain.“What.Are.You.Doing?”Myspeechwasinterruptedwitheachbounceofhisbody.Witheachstompofhislonglegs,guidingtheballinmysister’sdirection.“AaronBlackford!”
Hechuckled.Then,hepattedthebackofmythigh.“Icouldn’tletmygirlfriendfalltothefloornow,couldI?”thebastardsaidcalmly,notsoundingonebitoutofbreath.
“Aaron,”Ihowled.“IsweartoLucifer—”
Hebouncedalittleextrahard,cuttingmywords.Hisholdonmywaisttightened.Sendingawaveofawarenessdownmylegs.Hisotherpalmheldthebackofmythighstill,hisfingersspreadingacrossmyskin.God,everythingIfeltundermewashardandwarm.
Dammit
Icouldn’tbelieveit,butIwasmadand…and…and…
Shit.Iwasalittleturnedonbythedisplayofstrength.
ThatlastthoughthadbarelyregisteredwhenAaron’sgriponmywaistshifted,securingmewithhiswholearm.Icouldfeelhisbicepsagainstmyside.Mybloodswirled,andithadnothingtodowithbeingupsidedown.
“Braceyourself,girlfriend.I’mgoingtowinthisthingandputsomefoodinyoubeforeyoueatmyheadoff.”
“There’snostoppingthatfromhappening.Boyfriend.”
WishingIcouldknowhowcloseAaronwasfromdeliveringthekillinggoal,ItwistedmybodyupwardasmuchasIcould.Behindus,phoneswereout,recordingthewholedamnthing.
OhLord,pleasedon’tletthisenduponTikTok.
Onelastbounce,andchaoseruptedasAaron’sstridescametoastop.
“Put.Me.Down.”Ipunctuatedmywordsbyattackinghisbackwithmyweakfists.Judgingbyhislackofreaction,Idoubtedhewasevenfeelingit.
“Hey.”Heturnedaround,givingmeaviewofmysister,whowasstillunderthegoal.
Shemighthavejustbeenscoredon,butshewassmiling.
Aaroncontinued,“Iknewyouwerebossy,butIdidn’tknowyouwerethisviolent.”
“Youhaven’tseenanything,”Igrittedthroughclenchedteethwhileheremainedcasuallystandingthere,unaffectedbytheweightofthewomanhehadtossedoverhisshoulder.
Hischestshookundermyhipsandthighs.
Washelaughing?
Thenerveofhim.
Thesituationcalledforextrememeasures.So,withalltheskillIcouldgather,Istretcheddownuntilmyhandreachedhisbacksideandpinchedhisbutt.
Yep.I,LinaMartín,hadjustpinchedAaronBlackford’sbutt.
AndIregretteditimmediately.
One,becauseitwasAaron’sbuttcheekIhadpinched.AndhowcouldIevercomebackfromdoingsomethinglikethatwhenIhadtoseehisfaceatwork—everyworkingdayofeveryweek—andhe’dsoonbecomemyboss?
Andtwo,becauseithadbeensosmoothandfirmthatIwantedtodoitasecondtime,justtobesurethatanassthathardwasreal.Iwantedtodouble-checkifabuttcouldreallyhavethatmanymuscles.
Andthat,togetherwithreasonone,mademequestionmysanity.
Asthatspuninmyhead,IrealizedthatAaronhadnoticedmyunfriendlypinch.Iknewbecausehehadinstantlyfrozen.Myfakeboyfriend’sbody—whichwasstillunderneathmyhips,stomach,andlegs—hadgonevery,verystillfromthemomentmyfingerscameintocontactwithhisass.
TemptedtopinchhimagaintocheckifhewasbreathingorifIhadshockedhimasmuchasIhadmyself,Iwaited.
Withastonishingcare,hishandsmovedtomywaist.Aaronliftedmefromhisshoulder,positioningmyfrontagainsthischest,stillholdingmesomyfeetwouldn’ttouchthegrass.Ourheadswereatthesamelevel,ourgazesirremediablymeeting.
Hisfacewasthisunreadableblankmaskagain,asifIhadpinchedallemotionoutofit.
IrealizedIpreferredplayfulAarontotheonewhohidwhateverhewasfeeling.ButthatmovedintothebackgroundasIrecountedthenonexistentspacebetweenourbodiesfromourchestsdown
Iwasfeelingalittlelight-headed,somyarmsbracedthemselvesonAaron’sshoulders.Oureyesneverbreakingcontact.Ididn’tthinkeitherofusblinkedeither.
Aaronrearrangedmybodyinhisarms,andwiththechangeofposition,Icouldfeeltheswayingofhischestagainstmine.Icouldfeelthesweatonhisskinundermyhandsandarmstoo.Butaboveall,Iwasenrapturedbythoseblueeyesthatgleamedlikediamondsunderthepunishingsunlight.Mybreathgotstuckinmythroat,notgoinganywhere.JustlikeIwas.
NeverinahundredyearswouldIhaveimaginedmyselfinthisposition.BeingheldbyashirtlessAaronandnotwantingtorunasfarandfastawayasIcould.Butshockingly,Iwantedtodotheexactopposite;IwantedtotakemytimeinspectingeveryinchofstickyandbareskinIcouldsee.IwantedtostayrightwhereIwas,perhapsmaybeevenlethimcarrymeeverywherefortherestoftheday.
Andthatadmissionscaredme.
No,itterrifiedme.
Oritshouldhavebecauseinthatprecisemoment,Icouldn’tfinditinmetocareforanythingbesidesthewildbeatingofmyheart,thumpingdirectlyagainstAaron’sskin.
WhenAaronfinallyspoke,hisvoicehadabreathlesstexture,“Youpinchedmyass,Catalina.”
Ihad.AndIwassorry.Sortof.
Whichdidn’texcusetheshameless,outrightjoyfulgrinthatbrokeoutonmyface.Ibarelyrecognizedmyselfinthatmoment,barelyunderstoodtheneedtosmilethatbigandmakehimpaymebackwithoneofhisown.Perhapsalaughtoo.
“IpleadtheFifth,”Imanagedtosaythroughmyridiculouslysillysmile.Stillheldinhisarms.“Plus,ifbyanychance,someonemighthavepinchedyourbutt,youmighthavetotallydeservedit.”
“Ohyeah?”Thecornerofhislipstwitched.
Almostthere.“Yep.Onehundredpercentwelldeserved.”
“EvenifI’dsavedthathypotheticalpersonfromaboisterousfall?”Aaron’seyeswrinkledwiththesmileIwaslookingfor,hislipsremainingmostlyflat.Still.
“Boisterous?Iwasmerelygoingtobrushthefloor.Verydelicately,mindyou.”
“Youarearidiculous,impossiblewoman,youknowthat?”
Iknew,andIwasreadytoadmitthat,butthenAaronwentaheadandgavemethatgrinIhadbeencraving.Hislipssplit,andhismouthgavewaytoahandsomesmilethatchangedhisfacecompletely.OnethatIhadseenonlyoncebeforeandthatmademyheartgoallcrazyinmychest.Myeyesprobablytwinkledtoo.
Hewasright;Iwasridiculous.Thiswholethingwassoveryridiculous.
“Hey,guys.”Daniel’svoicecamefromsomewherenearby,tearingthroughthemomentandcausingthelittlehappycloudIhadbeenintovanish.“Foodisonthetable,andweareallabouttostart.Comeon.”
AsIheardwhatIassumedwereDaniel’sfootstepswalkingaway,Iknewmygrinhadextinguished.
HadthatmomentwehadsharedbeenallforDanielandeverybodyelse’ssake?
Probably.No,mostcertainly.Thatwaswhatcouplesdid.Playfultouches,widesmiles,heatedglances.
Andthatmademefeel…alittledumb.Madehissmileworthalittleless.Andmademineaveryfoolishone.
IguesseditwasagoodthingthatAaron’shandsomegrinhaddisappearedtoo.Although,evenwithDanielthere,hisgazehadneverleftmine.Anditdidn’teitherwhenhisarmsshiftedtheholdonmywaistandslidmedownhisbody.OrsoItoldmyselfbecauseasIwentdown,myeyelidsmighthavefluttered,makingithardformetoseemuchasIwaspressedagainsteachhardplane,bulge,andslabtherewasinAaron’schest.
Mylegslandedonthegroundwithoutmuchconfidence.Dizzybytheoverwhelmingsensationdancingdownmybody,IwasgratefulforAaron’shandsremainingonmywaist.
OnceheseemedsureIwouldn’ttoppledown,heretrievedthem.Butnotwithouttuggingalittlestrandofhairthathadcomeoutofmyponytailfirst.
Myheartproceededtodothetopplingdowninthatmoment.
Evenmoresowhenhisheaddippedslowly.“NotbadforaGreekgod,huh?”Hisvoicewasnotnearlyasplayfulasafewmomentsago.RightbeforeDanielhadburstmybubble.ButAaronaccompaniedthatwithawink.
Thatdrewatinylittlesmileoutofme,andIhadtoshakemyheadtohideit.
Whoisthismanwhogoesaround,throwingwinksandsmilesatme?
Myfutureboss—that’swho.
Andwasn’tthatreasonenoughtostartthinkingabouthavingaone-on-onewiththatflutterinmychest?Thefactthatthiswholethingwasacharadewasreasonenoughalready.Buthe’dsoonbepromotedtoheadofthedivision—mydivision—andIhadtorememberthat.
“Comeon,”hesaidwhenIremainedquiet.“ItoldyouI’dputsomefoodinyou,andIamamanofmyword.”
Yes,hewas.AndIshouldn’tforgetthateither.
Aaronhadpromisedhe’dplaytheroleofmyboyfriendandthathe’ddoitwonderfully.Andsofar,he’ddonesuchanexcellentjobthathewasstartingtoconvinceevenmethathewasadifferentmanfromtheoneIhadknowninNewYork.ChapterEighteen
Stoppingmyselffromcrawlingunderthetablewasbecomingarealhardship.ButifIsabelkeptuptheAaronandLinaquestioningforalittlelonger,I’dhavenootherchoicebuttodoexactlythat.Otherwise,mylastresortwouldbetoknockdownthebridewithoneofthemetallictrayscontainingthevarietyofpinchosweweresnackingon.Itwouldbeawasteoffood,anditwasherbachelorette-slash-bachelorparty,butit’dbetheonlyway.Shewasaresilientwoman;she’drecoverintimeforthewedding.
Westoodinoneofthemostfrequentedbars—sidrerías—ofmyhometown,surroundedbythecharacteristicallyloudchatterofpeopleandthesoursmellofspilledsidra—theregionalapplecider.ThesewereestablishmentsthatonecouldfindineverycornerofanycityortowninthisregionofthenorthofSpain.Peoplegatheredaroundingroupsofallsizesandages.Somestoodaroundtalltables,justlikewe—bride,groom,bestman,Aaron,andI—weredoing.Othershadbeenseatedtohavedinner,andsomewereleaningonthebar,chattinganimatedlywiththewaiters.
Willingmylungstotakeaslow,deep,andcalmingbreath,Itriedtoordermythoughts,soIcoulddodgethelastoneofIsabel’squestions.
“Comeon.Therehastobemoretothestoryofhowyoutwomet.”Isabel’seyesshonewithcuriosity,bouncingfrommetomyverystoicfakeboyfriend,whostoodcloseenoughtomysidetostealafairchunkofmyfocus.“Youareplayingreallyhardtoget,Lina.”
“That’sthewholestory,Ipromise.”Sighing,Iavertedmyeyestomyhands,whichwerelyingonthesmoothsurfaceofthetable.Myfingerswerebusyplayingwithmyemptyglass.“AaronstartedworkingforInTech,andthat’showwemet.Whatelseistherethatyouwanttoknow?”
“Iwantthedetailsyouhaven’ttoldme.”
Icouldtellmysisterwasabouttostartwhininginthatannoyingandpersistentwaythathadneveroncefailedtobreakpeopleandmakethemgiveherwhateveritwasshewanted.Ihadbeentheremyself—manytimes.
Shetiltedherhead.“Hey,ifyouguysexperiencedlustatfirstsightandstartedhookingupandthendating,it’sokay.Nothingtobeashamedof.Plus,itwouldexplainthatbed-breakingrumorgoingaround.”
Mylipsparted,andmyeyeswidened.“CharoworksfasterthanIthought,”Imuttered.
IsensedAaronshiftingbymyside,closingthesmalldistancebetweenourarms.
ButIdidn’tturntolookathimasmysistercontinued,“IamnotMamá,Lina.Youcantellme.”Mysisterbattedhereyelashes,andIheardhowGonzaloclearedhisthroat.“Orsharewiththegroup—fine,whatever.”Sherolledhereyesatherfiancé.“Comeon.Wearelistening.Didyouguyshookupfirst?Andifso,howmanytimes?”
Daniel,whohadbeenoddlyquietforsomeonewhowassupposedtobehavingagoodtime,sighednoisily.“Idon’tthinkthere’sanyneedtosharethatwiththegroup.”
Mygazeswiveledinhisdirection,findinghimwithadeadpanexpression.
“Thanks,Dani,”Isabelgrittedoutbetweenherteeth.“ButI’llletmysisterdecideifshewantstosharehersexcapadeswiththetable.”
OhLord,didshejustcallitsexcapades?
AtthechangeinIsabel’stone,Gonzalowrappedhisarmaroundhershouldersandtuggedheragainsthisside.IwatchedIsabel’sbodyrelaximmediately,lettinggoofwhatIknewwereyearsofcontainedanimositytowardherfiancé’sbrother.
Sighingsilently,Ifeltapangofguiltsliceacrossmychest.Itwasunprecedented,andIhadnoreasontofeelresponsibleforthesituation,butatthesametime,itwashardnottoletsomeoftheweightfallonmyownshoulders.
Inanidealworld,thebestmanwouldn’tbemyex.Inthatsameworld,Iwouldn’thavepanickedwhenlearningthathewasengagedwhileIseemedtobestuckintimeandalone,andIwouldn’thavefelttheneedtolietomyfamilyandtanglemyselfintothewebofdeceptionIhadwoven.Perhaps,inthatidealworld,themanbymysidewouldbetherebecausehelovedmeandnotbecauseIhadstruckadealwithhim.
Butthosescenarioswerehypotheticalandthereforeunreal.Unattainable.Andeachofthempaintedapicturethatwasfarfromthetruth.Intherealworld,therewasaconsequencetoeverydecisionImade.ToeverychoicethatIevertook.Aperfectworldwherelifehappenedneatlyandideallydidn’texist.Lifewasmessyandoftenhard.Itdidnotwaitforanybodytobereadyortoexpectthebumpsontheroad.Youhadtograbontothewheelandsteeryourwaybacktoyourlane.AndthatwasallIhaddone.ThatwaswhathadbroughtmetowhereIwas.Forbetterorforworse.
ItwasunfortunatethattheonemanwhoGonzalosharedDNAwithwasnotonlymyex,butalsothemanwhohadbeentheotherhalfoftherelationshipthatwasthecatalystformeleavingeverythingIhadoncecalledhome.ButIhadmadethechoicetodatehim.Myuniversityprofessor.Themanwhowouldintroducemysistertotheloveofherlife.
Becauselifewasn’tideal.Itturnedandbent.Itspunyououtforaminuteandswungyourightbackinthenext.
Contrarytowhatmostbelieved,whenIhadappliedfortheprogramabroadthathadtakenmetoNewYork,ayearaftereverythinghadblownupinmyface,Ihadn’tbeenescapingDaniel;Ihadbeenescapingthesituationthatmyrelationshipwithhimhadthrustmein.Granted,intheprocess,hehadalsobrokenmyheart.Andthatwaswhateverybodysaw.Thescolded,heartbrokenrunaway.Butthedamagewentbeyondasimplebreakup.Afterthat,Iwentthroughtheworstyearofmylife.Ialmostquituniandthrewawaymyeducation.Myfuture.Allbecausepeople,thoseIhadconsideredfriendsatsomepoint,spundisgustingliesaboutme.Andithadn’tonlyscarredme;ithadalsoimpactedmyfamily.
Forone,thatsadnessthateverybodyhadregardedmewithstucktomeacrosstime.AndtheveryfewtimesIhadcomebackhome,single,ithadthickeneduntilsolidifyingintosomethingthatIcarriedwithme.
Evenmyparentsinaway.IcouldtelltheywerescaredI’dneverbouncebackfromit.Whichwasstupid.IwasoverDaniel.Mysinglehoodhadnothingtodowiththat.Isimply…struggledtotrustsomebodyenoughtogivemyselfcompletely.Imanagedtokeepmyselfoneortwofeetfromanythingthathadthepotentialtohurtme.Andthatalwaysendedoneoftwoways.Ieitherwalkedaway,orIwastheonewhowaswalkedawayfrom.Butatleast,Ididcomeoutofitwholly.
AsforIsabel,shehadgonefromlovingDanielforgivingherGonzalotothreateningthebestman’sballs.Repeatedly.Andwhilesheturnedintomyfiercestprotectorandcheerleader,thebreakupnevershookthefoundationofherownrelationship.Whichwasevidenceofhowmuchtheyadoredandlovedeachother.Besides,overtheyears,shehadcometoacceptthatevenifDanielhadbeenatfaultforapart,hehadn’tdoneanythingbesidesaccepttobreaksomeunspokenruleaboutdatingaformerstudent.Societyhaddonetherest.
Whichdidn’tgiveme—orIsabelorDaniel—therighttoforceGonzalotopickaside.SomethingthatIsabelhadcometotermswith.Eventually.Inherownway.
“Therewerenosexcapades,Isa.”Ishookmyheadlightly,tryingtoshoveallthosethoughtsandmemoriesaway.
“Notevenone?Comeon.Youguysworktogether.AndIsawyouduringthesoccermatch.You—”
“Itwasaveryboringanduneventfulmeeting,”Iinterruptedher.“Getyourmindoutofthegutter.”
Isabel’smouthopened,andIwasleftwithnochoicebuttoelbowmyfakeboyfriend.
MaybeAaron’sconfirmationwouldappeaseher.
“Correct,”hesaid,andIcouldheartheamusementinhisvoice.“Nosexcapadestookplace.”
Iwatchedmysister’slipsclipclosed.
“Unfortunately,”headded.
Myownmouthwastheoneclampingdownthen.Oritfellopenandtothefloor—Ididn’tknow.
Don’tlookathim.Don’tlookshocked.Thisisallpartofthedeception.
Focusingonmysister,IignoredAaron’slastcommentandsmiled—hopefullynaturally.
Isabelreachedforthebottleofsidraandpouredaculíninmyglass,fillingonlythebottomofit.Exactlyhowtraditionstatedsidrahadtobeserved.Onceshehadservedmeaculín,IsabelproceededtodothesamewithAaron’sglass.“Youarenottellingmesomething.”Hereyesnarrowedtothinslitsasshepushedourdrinksinourdirection.Then,sheleveledonlymewithalook.“Icanseeitinyoureyes.Drink.”
Ididn’tthinkshewasbluffing.Lyingwasn’tsomethingIwasparticularlygoodat,andmysisterhadthesiblingabilitytoseerightthroughme.
Mypalmsstartedsweating.Mysisterwasontosomething.AndIneededtostarttalking,giveheranything.
Idownedthecontentsofmyglassinonesinglegulp—exactlyhowtraditionspecifiedtoo.
“Fine,okay.”Iplacedmyemptyglassonthetable.“Allright,sothedayAaronandImet…”Istarted,myeyesunconsciouslyjumpingtoAaron’sfaceandfindinghimlookingatmewithanewkindofinterest.IreturnedmygazetoIsabel.“ItwasacoldanddarkNovember22—”Istoppedmyself,feelingtheneedtoexplainwhyIrememberedthedatesoaccurately.“Irememberbecauseitwasthedayofmybirthday,notbecause—”Istoppedmyselfagain.Then,Ishookmyhead.Ihadbarelystarted,andIwasdoinganawfuljobalready.ThiswaswhyIshouldnever,everlie.“Anyway,itwasNovember.”
Aaron’shandbrushedmybackverysoftly.Thetouchunsettledmeatfirst,butthenitmagicallyinstilledconfidenceinme.Justhowhehaddoneearlierthatday.Howhemanagedtodothat,Icouldn’tknow.Butwhenhemovedhisfingersoverthefabricofmythinblouse,rightabovemyshoulderblades,Ifeltalittlelesslikeafraud.
“Butthatisn’timportant,Iguess,”Icontinued,andIhadtoclearmyvoicelightlybecauseithadcomeoutalittleshaky.“WhenIfirstmetAaron,itwasthedayhewasintroducedasanewteamleaderbyourboss.”
Aaron’stouchturnedlooseandairy,andthenitstoppedaltogether.
Tryingtokeepmyheadonthestoryandawayfromthedaintytrailofgoosebumpshe’dleftonmyskin,Icontinued,“Heenteredthroughthatdoor,allcoldconfidenceanddetermination.Lookinglargerthanlifewiththoselonglegsandbroadshoulders,andIsweareverybodyinthatmeetingroomfellintosilence.Icouldimmediatelytellhe’dbethatkindofmaneverybody…respected—forlackofabetterword—withoutmorethanawordortwo.Justbythewayhelookedaround,assessingthesituation.Asifhewerelookingforpossiblethreatsandcomingupwithawaytoeliminatethembeforetheycouldmanifest.Andeventhen,everyoneseemedtobecharmedbythenewguy.”
Irememberedperfectlyhoweveryonehadfirstgapedatthehandsomeandsternnewadditionandthensilentlynoddedinappreciationandawe.Meincludedatfirst.I’dneveradmitit,butbackthen,IhadgottenasfarasthinkingIcouldletthatdeepvoiceofhisluremetosleepeverynight,andI’dbecontentfortherestofmydays.
“So,yeah,everysingleoneofmycolleagueswasprettymuchenraptured.Notmethough.Iwasn’tfooledthateasily.AllthroughoutJeff’sandAaron’sspeeches,Ikeptthinkingabouthownervoushemusthavebeen.Ikeptnoticinghisshouldersinchinghigherandhisgazegrowing…unsure.Asifhewereholdinghimselffromboltingoutthatdoor.So,Icametotheconclusionthathewasn’tasstandoffishashelooked,standingthere.Hecouldn’tbe.Itwasjustnerves.Onecouldn’tpossiblygiveoffthatvibeonpurpose.Itwashisfirstday,andthatwassomeintimidatingshit.Ithoughthejustneededalittlepushintherightdirection.Alittlefriendlywelcometofallintoplace.”
AndthenIproceededtodoaverydumbandimpulsivething.JusthowIalwaysmanagedtodo.“AndIcouldn’thavebeenanymorewrong.”Ichuckledbitterly.“MaybeAaronwasn’tnervous—Iwouldn’tknow.Buthedidn’tneedanykindofpush.Hewasnotlookingforfriends.Andhecertainlywasawareofwhatimpressionhewasmaking.”Ireturnedbacktothepresentinthatmoment,andIwasgreetedbythreepairsofconfusedeyes.Mythroatdriedout.“Imean,thatobviouslychanged.Eventually,”Iaddedquicklyinanunfortunatelyunconvincingway.“Becausewearesuperinlove,soyay!”Throwingmyarmsintheair,Icheered,tryingmybesttogetthecontrolback,butthegesturelandednowherenearwhereI’dwanteditto.
Isabel’sfacefellslightly,andrightbeforeherfrowncouldfullyform,Aaronsurprisedmebycomingtomyrescue.
“Catalinaisn’twrong.Thatday,Iwasalittlenervous,”heconfessed,andmyheadswirledinhisdirection.
Aaron’sgazewasonmysister,whichwasgoodbecausewewereindesperateneedofsomedamagecontrolthatrequiredallhisattentionandcharm.ButalsobecauseIdidn’twanthimtoseemyexpressionasIwatchedhim.ThattripdownmemorylanehadleftmealittletoorawforhidinghowIreallyfeltaboutthatday.
“Ididn’thaveanyplansorhopesofmakingfriends,notduringthatfirstmeetingandnotanydayafter,”hecontinued.
Well,thatwasn’tashocktome,notafteralmosttwoyearsofenduringtheconsequencesofthatposition.
“AndIwasplentyobviousaboutit.ThelastthingIwantedwassomeonegettingthewrongideaandthinkingIwasthereforanythingthatwasn’tdoingthebestjobIcould.Andinmybook,thatisnotcompatiblewithtellingjokesandexchangingfamilytales.Thatdaythough,Linashowedupinmyoffice.Alittleafterfivep.m.”Helookeddownathishands,andhiseyelidsshelteredtheblueinhiseyesforjustaheartbeat.
ForareasonIcouldn’texplain,myheartracedinmychestatthememory.Embarrassment.IthadtobethephysicalreactiontorelivingthatembarrassingmomentthroughAaron’swords.
“Hercheekswereflushed,andthereweresomesnowflakesstillclingingtoherhairandcoat.Shewascarryingagiftbagwitharidiculouspatternoftinypartyhatsprintedonit.AsItookherin,Iwascertainthatshehadgottenthewrongoffice,thatshecouldn’tpossiblybethere,carryingsomekindofgiftforme.Maybeshewaslookingfortheguywhohadsattherebeforeme.”
Iwatchedhisthroatworkashiswordsheldhisaudience’sattention.
“AndIwasgoingtotellher,butIdidn’tstandachance.ShestartedbabblingsomenonsenseabouthowcoldNewYorkwasinwinterandhowirritatingpeopleturnedwhenitsnowed,howchaoticinsteadofpeacefulthecityactuallywas.‘Asifit’smyfaultthatNewYorkershatethesnow,’shesaid.‘It’slikethecoldnumbstheirbrains,andtheyturnstupid.’”Aaronsmiledsheepishly.Verybriefly,onemomentthereandthenextgone.
AndIkeptstaringathisprofile,eatinguphiswordsandhowtheysentmerightbacktothatday.
Atthatpoint,myheartbangedagainstmychestwithgrowingurgency,asifitwereawildthing,askingtobeletout.BeggingtoaskallthequestionstakingshapeinmyheadandthreateningtodoititselfifIdidn’t.
“Sheplacedthebagonmydeskandthentoldmetoopenit.Butthecoldmusthavenumbedmybrain,too,becauseinsteadofdoingthat,Ikeptgawkingatit.Petrifiedand…intrigued.Staringatitandnothavingtheslightestclueastowhattodowithit.”
Hehaddonethat,andhisreactionhadmademepanicandjumpintocrisis-controlLina.Whichhadbeenmysecondmistakethatday.
“WhenIdidn’treachforit,sheshovedherhandintothebagandpulledthecontentsoutherself.”Aaronchuckled,buthewasn’tlaughing.Becausethecurtnoisewasalmostsad.
Iwasn’tlaughingeither.Iwastoobusychewingonthefactthatherememberedeverything.Allofit.Indetail.Mychestfilledwithmorequestions.
“Itwasamug.Andithadajokeprintedonit.Itsaid,Engineersdon’tcry.Theybuildbridgesandgetoverit.”
Someonelaughedthen.IsabelorperhapsGonzalo—Iwasn’tsure.Withallthatcrazybanging,myhearthadsomehowmovedupmythroatandtomytemples,soitwashardtofocusonanythingbesidesitsbeatingandAaron’svoice.
“AndyouknowwhatIdid?”hecontinued,bitternessfillinghistone.“InsteadoflaughinglikeIwantedto,insteadoflookingupatherandsayingsomethingfunnythatwouldhopefullymakehergivemeoneofthosebrightsmilesIhadsomehowalreadyseenhergivesofreelyintheshortdayIhadbeenaroundher,Ipusheditalldownandsetthemugonmydesk.Then,Ithankedherandaskedheriftherewasanythingelsesheneeded.”
IknewIshouldn’tfeelembarrassed,butIwas.JustasmuchasIhadbeenbackthen,ifnotmore.Ithadbeensuchasillythingtodo,andIhadfeltsotinyanddumbafterhebrusheditawaysoeasily.
Closingmyeyes,Iheardhimcontinue,“Iprettymuchkickedheroutofmyofficeaftershewentoutofherwayandgotmeagift.”Aaron’svoicegotlowandharsh.“Afuckingwelcomegift.”
Iopenedmyeyesjustintimetowatchhimturnhisheadinmydirection.Ourgazesmet.
“JustlikethebigjerkIhadadvertisedmyselftobe,Iranherout.Andtothisday,Iregretiteverytimeitcrossesmymind.EverytimeIlookather.”Hedidn’tevenblinkashetalked,lookingstraightintomyeyes.AndIdidn’tthinkIdideither.Ididn’tthinkIwasevenbreathing.“AllthetimeIwastedsofoolishly.AllthetimeIcouldhavehadwithher.”
IfIhadn’tbeenleaningonthetalltableofthesidrería,Iwouldhavefallentothefloor.Mylegsweren’tabletosupportmyweightanylonger.Mybodyhadsomehownumbed.Aaronlookedatme—no,helookedintome.Andinreturn,heletmedothesame.Icouldn’tknowhow,butIswore,inthatmoment,hewaslayingbarealittlepieceofhimselfinfrontofme.HewastryingtotellmesomethingIdidn’tthinkIhadtheabilitytoprocess.Orwashe?Washebeggingmetorememberthatthiswasallafarce?Orwashebeggingmetorememberthatevenifit
Butthatcouldn’tmakeanysense,couldit?
No.Nothingdid.NotmewonderingandnotwhateverIthoughtIhadheardinhiswordsorseeninhiseyes.
Certainlynotthewaymyhearthadbrokenfreeandturnedintoawreckingball,demolishingeverythingitfoundonitswayandleavingnothingmorethanatrailofshamblesbehind.
“Andwhathappenednext?”afamiliarvoiceasked.
“Then,”Aaronanswered,andhishandrose,thebacksofhisfingersbrushingmycheek,“Iactedlikeafool—anidiot,dependingonwhoyouask—foralittlelonger.”
Myeyelidshidmyeyes,breakingoffthecontact.Icouldfeelmybloodpumpingthroughmybody.Theimprintoftheghostofhistouchrightbeneathmycheekbone.
“Andeventually,Isomehowmanagedtomakehergivemethetimeofday.Italkedherintobelievingthatsheneededme.Then,Ishowedher—provedtoher—thatshedid.”
Myeyeswerestillclosed.Ididn’ttrustmyselftoopenthem.
Ididn’twanttoseeAaron.Hisface,hislips,theseriouslineofhisjaw.Ididn’twanttoseeiftherewereanysecretsinthedepthsoftheoceaninhiseyes.
Iwasterrifiedofnotfindingasinglethingthere.Offindingsomething.Everything,anything.I…wassimplyterrified.Confused.
Then,someonestartedclapping.AndIheardtheunmistakablevoiceofmysister.
“You,”shesaidwhenIblinkedopenmyeyes.Isabel’svoicesoundedshakywithemotionandanger.Allatonce.
NotthatIcaredatthatmoment.IwaslookingintoAaron’seyesagain.Andhehadn’tliftedhisgazeoffme.
Whatishappening?Whatarewedoing?
Mysistercontinuedtalking,“Thatwassobeautiful,Aaron.Andyou,CatalinaMartínFernández,”sheusedourtwolastnames,whichmeanttrouble.“Youarenosisterofmineanylonger.Ican’tbelieveyoukeptallthatfromme.Youmademetalkaboutsexcapadesandlustwhenthetruthissomuchbetterthanallthatsuperficialcrap.”
Thetruth.Thatlittlewordsouredmystomach.
“Goodthingyourboyfriendhasbettersense.Youaresoveryluckyhe’shere.”
Aaronkepthiseyesonmewhenhesaid,“See?It’saverygoodthingI’mhere.”
Thatsentmyheartintodoinganothercartwheel.
“Oh,Aaron.”Iheardmysisterexhaleshakily,andIcouldtellshewasabouttocry.Orkickmyass.Itcouldbeeitheroneofthose.“Youhavenoideahowhappythismakesme.It’sthebestweddinggiftIcouldeverget,seeingmylittlesisterfinally…”Hervoicewobbled.“Afterallthistime,it’sjust…”Ahiccup.“Oh,man.WhyamIcryingwhenIwanttokickherass?Itmust…itmust…be…”Shehiccuppedagain.
OhdearLord
TearingmygazeoffAaron,Ireluctantlyturnedtomysister.Shewasfull-onbawling.Andshelookedpissedofftoo.
“Itmustbeallthisweddingpressure,”Ithoughtshemumbled.
Daniel,whoIhadcompletelyforgottenabout,saidsomethingunderhisbreathandreachedforthebottleofsidra.Itwasempty,soheplaceditbackonthetableandboltedinthedirectionofthebar.
“Venaquí,tonta.”Gonzalopulledmysisterintohisarms,tuckingherheadunderhischin.Then,hemouthedoverherhead,Morealcohol.
Yep.Onlythatwouldsavethenightifthebridewasweeping.
Especiallywhenitwasoverastorythatwasn’ttrue.
Becauseitcouldn’tbe.
Itwasallalie.Adeception.
Aaronhadplayedwiththetruth.JusthowIhadaskedhimtodo.Hehadadornedit,altereditsoitfitthischaradewewerestaring.Itwasnothingmorethanthat.WewerestillthesameAaronandLinawhohadleftNewYork.
Andonthatnote,Aaronwouldstillbepromotedtomyboss.
Didyouhearthat,stupidanddelusionalheart?Nomoreweirdbusiness
WhereAaronBlackfordwasconcerned,itwasallanact.
***
Bythetimewerolledintothenextspot,theclub—andcallingthattothemodestandscrubbybarthatdoubledasaclubatmidnightwasastretch—IwasninetyninepercentsureImighthavecrossedthetipsyborderandwalkedrightintodrunkland.
Theremainingonepercentwasdivided.Withallthatsidrapumpingthroughmyveins,itwashardtodiscernifthewayIfelthadeverythingtodowiththealcoholorifitwaspartlyduetothemanwhohadbeenwatchingovermelikeahawk.
AaronhadstoppeddrinkingatsomepointbetweenIsabel’swaterfallsshowandthearrivaloftherestofthebacheloretteandbachelorpartytothesidrería.WhichIwasn’tsurewasagoodthing.Hewascompletelysober,andthatmeant,tomorrow,he’drecalleverysingledetailofthenight.Andthatwasn’tgood.Notwheneverytimehetouchedme,mybodycameopenlyalive,andthenIproceededtomelttothefloor.AnddefinitelynotwheneverytimehedippedhisheadtoaskmeifIwasdoingokayorifIwashavingfun,myheartdecidedthatmychestwasn’troomyenoughandplungeditselftothepitofmystomach.
Asfortherest?Well,Iwasmostlypreoccupiedwiththewaytheloudmusicwasfillingmyearsandspreadingallthewaytomyhipsandfeetaswenavigatedthecrowdedanddarkplace.
Movingforwardintotheseaofbodieswiththerestofthepartyintow—ornotbecausechanceswere,wehadlostthem—Iwasunexpectedlyshovedbackacoupleofstaggeringsteps.Aaron,whohadbeenwalkingveryclosebehind,interceptedme.Hisarmcamearoundmywaist,andhispalmlandedonmyhip.
Inoneswiftmotion,hehadmesecuredagainsthim.
JustlikeIhadexperiencedaboutahundredtwentytimesthatnight,allmynerveendingswereinstantlychargedwithelectricitythemomentmybackcameintocontactwithhisfront.Everyinchofmyskinthatwasflushedagainsthimheated.Eventhroughthethinfabricofmyblouseandhisbutton-down.
Hislongandstrongfingerssqueezedmyhip.
Turningmyheadtolookupathisface,Ididn’tcarethatmylipshadpartedandthatmyeyesprobablylookedhazyandalittleclouded.JusthowIfelt.Butthenagain,itwasn’tlikeIcouldconcealit.Forwhateverreason—thealcoholinmysystemorAaron’scloseness—Isimplycouldn’thideit.
So,instead,forthefirsttime,Iletmyselfenjoyit.Letmywholefocusbeonhim.Onallthepointswhereourbodiestouchedandonthewayhelookeddownatme.IfocusedonAaronandonthewayhewasholdingmeagainsthimasweblockedthewayfurtherinsidethebar.
Keepingourgazeslockedovermyshoulder,Iallowedmybacktorelaxintohim.Andsomethingdancedintheblueofhiseyes.Ithoughthewasgoingtosmile,buthismouthpressedinaseriousline.
“Yougotme,”Isaidovertheblaringmusic.“Mysavior.Alwayscomingtomyrescue,Mr.Kent.”
Apartofmeknewthatwasmostlythealcoholtalking.ButAarondidn’tanswer.HislipsremainedsealedasIwatchedhisthroatwork.Someonebehindhimcalledus.Orperhapsithadcomefromtheoppositesideoftheovercrowdedbar.Ididn’tknow,andIdidn’tcare.IwasgoingtotellAarontoignoreit,butthenhesomehowtuggedmeunderhisside.Wrappingalargehandaroundmineatthesametime.
Ilikedthat.Fartoomuch.SoIdidn’tcomplain.
Aaronguidedmethroughtheplaceasifheweretheonewhohadspentcountlessnightsherewhenhewasyounger.ThebarwaseverybitasgloomyandpackedwithswirlingbodiesasIremembered.Themusicstillboomedtooloudly,andthefloorswerestickywithspilleddrinks.
Ilovedit.
AndIlovedthatAaronwasherewithmetonighttoo.Ilovedthatheprotectedmefromthosewhoaccidentally—ordrunkenly—pushedandshoved.
Ilovedmany,manythingsrightthen.AndIhadtheneedtotellhim.
Stopping,Iturnedaroundandwentonmytiptoes,hopefullygoingsomewherenearAaron’searandnothisarmpitorsomethingbecausethatwouldbereallyembarrassing.“Don’tyoulovethisplace?Ido.It’snothinglikeNewYork’sfancy-schmancyclubs,huh?”
Aaronleaneddown,hislipshoveringovertheshellofmyear.“It’svery…authentic.”Hepausedbutdidn’tretrievehismouthfromthatspot.Ashivercrawleddownmyback.“Atfirst,Iwasalittlewary.I’mnotgonnalie.”
Ifeltthecornersofmylipstuggingup.Yeah,theplacewasdefinitelynotAaron’sstyle.
“Butnow…”hecontinued,andhislipsbrushedthesensitiveareabelowmyear,makingmemeltandcometolife,allatonce.“Now,IthinkIcouldstayhereuntilthesuncomesup.Maybeevenalittlelonger.”
Mylipsparted,butasIwasreadytospeak,someonepushedme,andthewordswererippedoffmytongue.IwasshovedfurtherintoAaron’sbody,thistimefronttofront.AndIimmediatelyfeltagainstmeallthehardplanesandleanmusclesIhadwitnessedshiningunderthesunthatmorning.
Somethingbeneathmyskinquickened,almostlikeazap.
Mybodyurgedmetoobliteratethelastinchofspacebetweenus.ItwascrazyhowmuchIwantedtodothat.Ifelttheurgencyinmyblood.Asifmyheartwerepumpingpuremadnessacrossmybody.Makingmereckless.Somuchsothatmyarmsliftedoftheirownaccord,myhandslinkingbehindAaron’sneck.Iwatchedhiseyeswidenforjustaheartbeat,andthensomethingsimmeredandflaredinhisgaze.Thatblueblazewipedcleanthesurprise,replacingitwithsomethingthatlookedalotlikehunger.
Everybodyelsearounduswasdancingtoabeatthatmyhazymindseemedtorememberfromsomething.ItwasLatin;itwasdecadentandfunandwhatsummernightsinSpainwereusuallymadeof.Withoutreallyknowinghow,myhipsstartedmoving.Aaron’shandsshiftedtomywaist.Andweweredancing.Thememoryofdoingthatwithhimnotsolongagoblindsidedmeforaninstant.Howironicitwasthatwe’dfoundourselvesinthesamesituationsosoonafterandthatweseemedlikecompletelydifferentpeople.
Itdidn’tmakesense.
ButIdidn’tcare.Nottonight.
MyfingersplayedwiththeshortstrandsofhairinAaron’snapeasourhipsswayedtotheLatinbeat.Sosoft—hishairwassoverysoft.JusthowIhadimagined.Ipulledalittleonthestrands,notknowingwhy.Inanswer,Aaron’sfingerstightenedonmywaist,causingmybloodtoswirlandheat,gatheringinallkindsofinterestingplaces.
Withoutbeingabletostopmyself,Iwentuponmytiptoesagain,notneedinganexcusetoexaminehisfacecloser.Hewasn’tfrowningorsmiling,buttherewassomethingabouthisfeaturesthatmadehimlookdifferent.Unbound.Yes,thatwasit.Therewasn’tatraceatallofthatrestraintIwassousedtoseeinginhim.Andtome,thatmadehimlookashandsomeashehadeverlooked.
MaybeIshouldtellhim.
Mylipspartedwiththewords,andIwatchedhisgazediptothem.Thelookinhiseyesreleasedaflockofbutterflieslowinmybelly.
“Aaron,”Isaid,butIwasdistractedbythewayhewaslookingatme.Ididn’tthinkIwasdancinganymore.WhatwasIgoingtosay?
“Doyoutrustme,Catalina?”heaskedme.
Yes.Theanswerflashedacrossmymind,butIdidn’tvoiceit.Therewassomethingthathadinterceptedthethree-letterword.SomethingIwasvaguelyawareIneededtoremember.
Aaron’sfingersspread,andhisthumbstrailedacrossthefabricofmyblouse.Oneofthemslippedbeneaththehem.Thesimplecontactsentawaveofpureawarenessacrossmyskin.
“Youdon’t,notyet,”hesaidagainstmyear,andthenhislipshoveredabovemycheek,causingmybreathtohitch.“Butyouwilltrustme;I’llmakesureofit.”
I…Ididn’tthinkIunderstoodthat.Notthenandprobablynotanytimesoon.Butwhatdidthatmatterwhenhismouthwassoclosetomine?Whenhislipsweredancingacrossmyjaw,barelymakingcontact,whichonlydrovemecrazy.IfImoved,ifIjusttiltedmyheadand—
Asquealandahandlandingonmyarmburstwhateverthoughthadformedinmyhead.
AndthenextthingIknew,IwasbeingdraggedawayfromAaron.Anotherloudscreechhintedatwhowasbehindme,pullingatmyarm.
“Lina,nuestracanción!”mysisteryelledoverthemusic,stoppingusbothatanarrowopening,wheretherewassomespace.
Oursong?
Myearstookthesongblastingthroughthespeakersasmybrainworkedoutthesituationslowly.
Itwasimpossiblenottorecognizethebeat.HowcouldInotwhenthatinfamousvideoofmysisterandmedancingtothisverysamesonghadbeenplayedoverandoveratfamilygatheringsandChristmasforthelasttwentyyears?Boththemusicandthechoreographywereingrainedinmybrainforever.“YoQuieroBailar”bySoniaySelenawasplaying,andthatonlymeantonething.
“Timetopayup!”Gonzalocheered.
ThatwasfollowedbyeveryoneelsemakingasmuchspaceastheycouldaroundIsabelandmeastherestofTeamBrideassembledbehindustodeliverthepayoutforlosingtheWeddingCup.
Mybodycamealivewiththefamiliarbeat.
“You’llpayforthis,bridezilla,”Iyelledoverthemusicaswelookedateachother,readyingourpositionstostarttheinfamouschoreography.
“Me?!”sheyelledbackaswemovedourbuttsinsync.“You’llthankmelater.”
Weswirledwithourarmsupandthenshimmiedourwaydown.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Idemandedaswebumpedourhips,followingthroughwiththestupiddance.
IwasawareoftherestofourimprovisedarrayofbackdancersfromTeamBridesomewherebehindus.Theywerereplicatingourmovesaswellastheycould.Totheircredit,Ididn’tthinkmysister’s—ormy—drunkenattemptswerethateasytoimitate.
“WhatImeanis…”Isabelsaidaswecamecloseragain,facedeachother,andhigh-fivedoverourheads.Then,westartedloweringourbodiestothefloorwiththebeatofthesong,makingourwaydowninawaythatwassupposedtobeseductiveandprobablyendedupbeingunnaturallyclumsy.“Ifyourboyfriend’ssmolderingeyesareanyindication,youaresogoingtogetextralaidtonight.”
HerwordshadbarelyenteredmyearsandregisteredwhenIalmostlandedonmyass.
Myheadshottomyside,takinginouraudienceandimmediatelylandingonaveryparticularsetofeyes.Smolderingeyes,asIsabelhadjustputit.Andasmybodywentthroughthemotions,relyingononlymusclememory,Icouldn’ttearmygazeoffthatpairofpiercingblueeyes.
Iexecutedtheroutinealmostabsently,notabletolookanywhereelse.Magnetizedbythosetwobluespotsthatseemedtobeignitedwithlight.AndwhileIcouldblamethealcoholrunningthroughmybloodstream,Icouldn’tfigureoutwhathisexcusewas.
Heateupeveryridiculousandsillymotionasifhewerecontemplatingsomethingthatwasmorethanaroutinecreatedbyapairofteenagersabunchofyearsago.HelookedatmeasifIwasmorethanagrown-asswomanexecutingagoofyandwackydance.Likehecouldn’tgetenough.Justasifhewereabouttopartthecrowdandclosethedistancebetweenussohecoulddrinkineventhesmallestofmymotions.
Ihadneverbeenlookedatthatway.Notever.
Whenthesongcametoanendandtransitionedintothenexthitfromadecadeago,whateverwaspassingbetweenAaronandmechurnedlowinmystomach.Withurgency.Somuchthatitmademedizzyandflusteredandabouttocrawloutofmyskin.
Thememoryofmybodyflushagainsthisflickeredthroughmymind.Thathadonlyhappenedafewminutesago.
MyheartracedinmychestasItriedtogathermyself,tocontrolmybreath.Sweatdrippingdownmybackandarms,anoverwhelmingsensationmadeitswayacrossmywholebody.
Ineededair,freshair.Thatalwayshelped.
“I’mgoingoutsideforasecond,”ItoldIsabelasIwrappedherinaquickhug.
Mysisternodded,distractedbythesongplaying,whichhappenedtobehernewfavoritetuneintheworld.Iveeredforthedoor,notdaringtolookbackatAaron.Icouldn’t.Ijust…couldn’t.
Ineededtoordermythoughts.
OnceImademywaythroughtheseaofdancingbodies,Isteppedoutside.Thenightwaswarmandhumid,andIwelcomedthebreezefromtheseahittingmyskin.
Thereliefwasinstantbutshort-lived.Now,mylegsseemedtoweighaboutahundredpoundseach.
ButI’dtakethatovereverythingIhadbeenfeelingbackinside.IalsoregrettedeverydrinkIhadhadtonight.Maybewithaclearermind,I’dbeabletounderstandwhateverthehellwasgoingon.Particularlywhymyheartseemedtobeplottingagainstme.
Lettingmyselffallontothesideoftheroad,Isat,soIcouldrestmylegs.Thiswasapedestrianarea,andonlyresidentcarswereallowedtodrivethrough.Giventhetime,almostthreeinthemorning,chancesofbeingrunoverwerelow.So,Itookmytime,tryingtoappeasewhateverwasstillmakingmyskinflushandtingle.
Eyesshutandelbowsonmyknees,Ifocusedonthemuffledmusiccomingoutofthebar.
Thedoorbehindmeopenedandclosedquicklyafter.
Iknewhewastherebeforehesaidanything.Hedidn’tneedto.Iwasattunedtohim,itseemed.Tothisquietmanwhosepresencealwaysspoketomefarlouderthanhiswords.Notturningback,IlistenedtohisheavyfootstepsashewalkedtowhereIwas,sittingonthelukewarmpavementofthesidewalk.Aaronlethisbodyfallintoplacerightbesideme.Hislonglegsstretchedahead,takingpossiblytwotimesthespaceminedid.
Abottleofwaterfellsoftlyonmylap.
“You’llprobablywanttodrinkthat,”Aaronsaid.
Theoverwhelmingsensationthathadpushedmetowalkoutsidehadnotdissipatedyet,hamperingmythoughts.
Henudgedmylegwithhisknee,encouragingme.
Iregardedthebottlestillonmylap.Iwassofreakingexhaustedallofasudden,andmyarmsfelttooheavytoreachforitandopenit.Mywholebodyfeltlikethat.AndAaronwassittingsoclose,allbigandwarm,soinvitingformetoleanmyheadonhisarmandclosemyeyesforjustaminute.Justonereallyshortnap.
“Nosleeping,baby.Please.”Aaronsnaggedthebottlefromwherehehadplacedit,openedit,andshoveditbackinmyhand.“Drinkup,”hesaidsoftly.
Anothernudgeofhisleg.
Andwhatabeautifullegthatwas.HeprobablyhadmoremusclesonhisquadricepsalonethanIhadonmywholebody.Bringingthebottletomylips,ItookabiggulpofwaterasIcontinuedmyperusal.
Thatisaverygood-lookingrightthigh,IthoughtasIreturnedthebottletomylap.
Alittlechucklehadmeglancingatthemanresponsibleforit.Hislipsbentinalopsidedsmile,distractingme.
“Thankyou,”hesaid,hissmilestretching.“Nobodyhasevercomplimentedthatparticularpartofmyleg.”
Ifrowned.
DidIsaythatoutloud?
AhHell.
Lookingathim,stillinsilence,Ioptedtodrinksomemorewater.MybrainwasclearlydehydratedifIwasgoingaround,voicingwhatevercrossedmymind.
“Feelingbetter?”Aaronaskedfrommyside.
“Notyet,”Igavehimawobblysmile.“Butthankyou.”
Hisfrownmadeanappearance,wrinklinghisforehead.“I’lltakeyoubacktotheapartment.Comeon.”ThelegsIhadbeensobusyadmiringflexed,readytopushhisbodyupward.
“No,wait.”Myhandlandedonthatverygood-looking—andoh,reallyhard—thigh,stoppinghim.“Notyet,please.Canwestayherejustforalittlewhile?”
Aaron’sblueeyesseemedtoassesssomething,probablymystate.Buthisbigbodystayedputbesidemine.
“Thanks.”Mygazefellbackonhisstretchedlegsagain.“There’ssomethingIneedtotellyou.Aconfession.”Ididn’tlookbackathim,butIsensedhimtense.“IGoogledyou,justonce.ButIdid.”
Aaronseemedtoponderthatforamoment.Buthedidn’tcommentonit.Instead,hesnatchedthebottleofwaterfrommygrip,openedit,andindicatedtometodrinksomemore.
Icompliedanddownedtherestofthecontents.Then,heretrievedtheemptybottle,andIthoughtIheardhimmuttersomething,butIwasn’tsure.
“Ifoundlotsofstuff,youknow.That’swhyIonlyallowedmyselftoGoogleyouonesingletime,”Iadmittedwithasheepishsmile.“IwasscaredoffindingsomethingthatwouldchangewhatIthoughtofyou.”
“Anddidyou?”
“Yes,andno.”HadwhatIfoundchangedtheimageIhadofAaron?Ididn’tthinkIcouldanswerthat.“IprobablyscrolleddownphotosuponphotosofyouuntilGooglehadnothingelsetoshowme.”
“That’salotofscrolling.”
“Iguess.”Ishruggedmyshoulders.“DoyouwanttohearaboutwhatIfound?”
Hedidn’tanswer,soItoldhimanyway,“Therewasthisoneimageofyouinthemiddleofthefield;yourbackwastothecamera,andyouhadyourgoldenhelmethangingoffyourhand.Icouldn’tseemorethanyourback,butIswearIcouldtellwhatyourfacelookedlike.Icouldpictureinmyheadhowyoureyebrowswerewrinkledonyourforeheadandhowyourjawwasbunchedup—thewayyoudowhenyouareupsetbutyoudon’twanttoshowyouare.”
Aaronhadgonequiet,soIstoleaglanceathim.Hewaslookingatme,andtherewassomethingthatlookedalotlikeshockinhisexpression.
ButIwasno-filterLinatonight,andIdidn’tseemtocareabouttalkingorrevealingtoomuch.“Then,therewerethearticles,”Iwenton.“Thereweremorethanafew,andtheyallpraisedyouasaplayer.AsanNFLpromise.Butthenitallstopped.Itwasasifyouhaddroppedoffthefaceoftheearth.”
Aaron’seyeslookedvacant,asifhewerenolongertherewithme,sittingonthesidewalkintheSpanishtownthathadseenmegrowup.
Icontinued,notbecauseIwantedtopresshimfordetails,butbecauseIsomehowcouldn’tstopfromexplainingmyself,“Idon’tthinktherearemanyfootballpromiseswhohangthehelmetforthenot-so-glamorouslifeweleadasengineersforamedium-sizedtechnologycompany.”Ididn’tknowmuchabouthowcollegefootballworked,butthelittleIhadreadduringmyGooglingsessiontoldmeIwasn’twrong.“Eversinceyoutoldmeaboutit,Ihavebeenwonderingwhatcouldhavepossiblyledyoutomakesuchadecision.Aninjury?Burnout?Howdoessomeonejumpfromonesidetotheother?”
Ibrushedmyfingersacrosshisforearm.Ithoughtitwouldstartlehim,butitdidn’t.Instead,hisotherhandwrappedaroundmine,andthenheplacedourinterlacedfingersonhisthigh.
“It’sokayifyoudon’twanttotalkaboutit.”Isqueezedhishand.Itwasreallyokay,butthatdidn’tmeanIdidn’tfeelsomehowdisappointed.“Ifyoudon’twanttotellme.”
Aarondidn’tsayanythingforalongmoment.Iusedthattimetocometotermswiththefactthathe’dneveropenuptome.NotthatI’dblamehim.Ihadn’tbeencompletelyhonestwithhimaboutmypasteither.ButasmuchasItriedtotellmyselfotherwise,thefallingsensationinmychestmadeithardtoignorehowIreallyfelt.Iwantedtoknow.IwantedtounearthandlearneverythingabouthispastbecauseIknewdeepinsidemethatitwasthekeytofinallyunderstandingthemanhewastoday.AndhimnotlettingmeinonlyremindedmethatIwasn’tdifferentfromanybodyelse.
“Catalina,”hefinallysaid,andhefollowedthatwithadeepandtiredsigh.“Iwanttotellyou.I’dgladlytellyoueverythingaboutme.”
MyheartdecidedtoresumeallthoseshenanigansIhadbeendealingwiththatnight.He’lltellmeeverythingabouthim
“Butyouarebarelystandingonyourownfeet.Youareinnoconditiontostaywithmeforacompleteconversation.”
“I’llstaywithyou,”Isaidveryquickly.“Iamnotthatdrunk.Iwilllisten,Ipromise.”EventhoughIwasfeelingslightlybetter,therewerechancesI’dfallonmyfaceifImovedtoofast.Butthatwouldn’tstopme.“Icanproveit.Look.”Mylegspushedmybodyup,propellingmeinaratherwobblyway.Butthatdidn’tmatter.I’dprovetoAaronIwascompletelyfine.
Iwasn’tgoingtoletthechanceslipthroughmyslightlyintoxicatedfingersorlegs—
Apairofbighandscutmytrajectory,holdingmebythewaist.
“Easythere.Let’skeepthestandingtoaminimum,”Aaronsaidasheeffortlesslyreturnedmetomyformerposition,rightbesidehim.Perhapsalittleclosertohisbody.WhichIwouldn’tcomplainabout.“Doyouwanttoknowthatbadly?”
“Yes.Iwanttoknoweverything,”Iconfessed,followingno-filterLina’sleadagain.
Ahumorlesslaughlefthim.“Ineverplannedforthistohappenthisway.”
Myhazybraindidn’treallyunderstandthat,butbeforeIcouldask,hecontinued,“Ialwaysplayedfootball.ThatwasallIknewforalmosttwodecades.Mydadwassortofabigdealinthecoachingandmanagementworldbackhome,inWashington.”Aaronshookhishead,thosedisheveled,shortlocksalmostflickeringunderthesoftlightofthestreet.“Heknewhowtospotpotential,haddoneitamilliontimes.Hewasknownforthat.So,whenherealizedIhadthatrawtalenthetalkedaboutsomuch,itwasasifallthoseyearsofhiscareerhadbeenpreparinghimforthat.Forhavingasonhecouldmoldintotheperfectplayerfromtheverybeginning.”
“Hecoachedyousinceyouwereakid?”Imurmured.
Aaronflexedhislegsandleanedhiselbowsonhisknees.“Morethanthat.Heturnedmeintohisownpersonalproject.Hehadthiskidwithpotentialforbecomingeverythinghehaddreamedof,rightathome.Andhehadthetoolsandtheexperiencetomakethatpossible.Therewasnoroomforfailure.Heworkedhardonturningmeintothisflawlessfootballmachine,whichhehadcarefullyassembledtogethersincethemomentmylegswerestrongenoughtorunafteraballandmyhandswerelargeenoughtoholdone.”Aaronpaused.Hewasfacingthegloomystreetinfrontofus,andIcouldseehowhisprofileturnedhard.“Webothworkedonthat.Andforthelongesttime,Ithrivedinit.”
Ifoundmyselfshiftingclosertohimuntilmyarmandshoulderwerecompletelyflushagainsthim.
“Howdidthatchange?”Iasked,lettingmybodyleanalittleonAaron’sside.“Whendidyoustopenjoyingplaying?”
Helookedatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye,somethingsofteninginhisexpression.“Thatphotoyoumentionedearlier?”heasked,andthenhefacedawayfromme,staringintotheemptystreetinfrontofus.“ThatwasthelastgameIeverplayed.”Aaronpaused,andIcouldtellheneededamomenttogatherhimselffromthewayhisvoicehadsobered.“Thathappenedexactlyoneyearaftermymompassedaway.”
Myheartsqueezedinmychest,andIfeltthisurgetowrapmybodyaroundhim,soIcouldshieldhimfromthepaininhisvoice.ButIlimitedmyselftograbbinghiswarmhandandslippingmyfingersbetweenhis.Aaronbroughtourinterlacedhandstohislap.
“Inthatmoment,asIstoodthere,watchingthecrowdandmyteammatescelebrateavictoryIcouldn’tbringmyselftocareabout,IdecidedI’dpulloutfromthedraft.AndIdid.”
“Thatmusthavehurtsomuch,”Itoldhim,mythumbcaressingthewarmskinonthebackofhishand.“Allofit,losingyourmomandlettinggoofsomethingyouhadworkedallyourlifetoward.”
“Itdid,yeah.”Hisheaddipped,andIwatchedhimlookatourintertwinedhands.“Mydadcouldn’tunderstandit.Hewouldn’teventry.”Abitterchucklelefthim.“Myfootballcareerhadturnedintotheperfectescape,followingMom’sdiagnosis.Insteadofthatconsolidatingourfather-and-sonrelationship,itturnedusintocoachandplayerinstead.Nothingmorethanthat.”
Moreloss.MyheartbrokeforAaron.Isqueezedhishandandthenveryslowlyleanedmyheadonhisarm.
Hecontinued,“HesaidIwasthrowingawaymylife.Myfuture.ThatIwouldfail.ThatifIdiddropanopportunitythatwouldchangemylife,hedidn’twanttohaveanythingtodowithme.So,IgraduatedandleftSeattle.”
Aaronstillheldmyhandinhislap;hisfingershadtightenedaroundmineashetalked.IkeptthesideofmyheadonhimasIfeltmyotherhandflytohisforearm.ItwastheonlywayIcouldexpresshowsorryIwasforwhathehadgonethroughwithoutengulfinghiminatighthugIwasn’tsureI’dbeabletoletgoof.Atleast,notfortherestofthenight.
“Itmusthavebeensohard,growingup,limitedbysomeoneelse’sideaofwhatyoushouldandshouldnotbe.”
Heabsentlyplayedwithmyfingers,thesoftcaressesofhisskinagainstminecausingtinglestocrawlupmyarm.“Irealizethatnow,inhindsight.Inevernoticedwhileithappened;itwasjusthowthingswere.Iwasgivenasetofgoals,andIsimplywentwithit,”heexplained,histhumbtrailingupmywrist.“Iwasneverunhappy—atleast,notuntilIrealizedthatperhapsIwasn’tcompletelyhappyeither.”
“Andnow?Areyoucompletelyhappynow,Aaron?”
Thosesoftbrushesofhisfingersagainstminecametoastop,andhedidn’thesitatewhenheanswered,“Completely?Notyet.ButI’mworkingmyfuckinghardestongettingthere.”ChapterNineteen
Foranyonewitnessingmyfoolishattemptsatreachingthebedroom,itwouldhavebeenprettyobviousthatIwasabouttoface-plantonthefloor.Andtheywouldn’tbewrong.ItwasawonderIwasabletomoveatall,consideringmyfeetbarelyliftedoffthegroundwithallthedraggingtheyhadbeencarryingout.
Ironically,andcontrarytothestorymybodytold,Ididn’tthinkIhadeverfeltmoreawakethanIdidasIcrossedthethresholdofthatdoor.
Myheadwasworkingatfullspeed.ProcessingeverythingAaronhadtoldmeabouthispast.IkeptspinningandturningeventhetiniestpiecesofinformationuntilIwascompletelysureIhadthempinneddownsecurelysotheywouldn’tfleemymemory.
NevermindthatmylegswobbledwitheverystepItookandexhaustionthrobbedthroughmybody.Aaron’sconfession—becauseithadfeltlikehewasunveilingsomethinghehadkeptguardedandlockedawayfromsight—hadcreatedalittleriotinmyhead.
Andmychest.Definitelymychesttoo.Theorganthatresidedtherehadconstrictedandsqueezed,andIwasstilltryingtocometotermswiththefactthatIwasn’tsupposedtofeelthatway.Ortoactonit.Apartofmemissedbeingdrunkortipsyenoughnottocare,butafterallthewaterAaronhadinsistedonmegulpingdownandthefactthatIhadn’ttouchedadrinkafterwewentbackinsidetheinfamousbar,Ididn’thavetheluxuryofthatexcuseanymore.Itwaspastfiveinthemorning,andtheeffectofthealcoholhadfadedtoaverylowbuzzthatindicatedtomorrowwasn’tgoingtobemuchfun.
Ididn’trealizeIhadbeenstandinginthemiddleofthebedroom,staringintoemptyspace,untilAaronclosedthedoorbehindhim.WhenIturned,mygazeimmediatelyfellontheglassofwaterinhishand.
Iwatchedhimwalktothenightstand,whereIhadplacedafewofmythings,andsettheglassthere.
“Thatforme?”Iknewtheanswer,butthesmallgestureturnedsomethinginsideofmetomush.Justlikeeverytimehehadwatchedaftermetonight.Itjust…didn’tfeelallthatsmallanymore.“Ifyoukeeptakingcareofmethisfiercely,it’sgoingtobereallyhardtogobacktoreallife.”
PerhapsIshouldn’thavesaidthat,shouldn’thavephraseditthatway,butaftereverythingthathadhappenedtonight,thecarefulgripItriedtomaintainaroundAaronseemedtobeloosening.
Aaronnodded,hisexpressionturningsomewhatmoreserious.Buthedidn’tcommentonwhatIhadsaid.Instead,heunbuttonedthetopofhisshirtandthenchangedhismindandstartedfumblingwiththewristbandofhiswatch.
Feelingmylegswobble—forallthewrongreasons—Iwalkedtotheedgeofthebedandsatontopofthesimpleandsilkycomforter.Stoppingmybodyfrommeltingintoitrightaway,Iexhaledtiredly,releasingsomeofthetensioninmyshoulders.ButbeforeIcouldcompletelyrelax,myspinestiffenedwitharealization.
Thebed.
Wewouldbesharingthisverysamebedtonight.
Thatfacthadsomehowfledmyminduntilnow.Anditsreturndidstrangethingstomybelly.Thingsthatwerenotstrangeinafunnyway,butinaratherexcitingway.Thingsthatheatedmyskin.
Well,ifIwasfeelingthiswayandwehadn’tevengottenintobedyet,Icouldn’tevenbegintoimaginewhatwouldhappenwhenIfoundmyselftuckedunderthesamecomforterasAaron.Hislargebodyandmymuchsmalleronesharingandcrowdingthemodestspacethemattressoffered.
AndI…shit
Inanattempttodistractmyself,Ioccupiedmyhands,takingtheflatsoffmyhurtingfeet.OnceIwasdonewiththat,Irubbedmytemples,tellingmyselftochilltheheckoutbecausethiswasokay.Wewereadults.Abouttoshareabed.So?
“Howbadisit?”Aaronaskedfromwherehestoodstillattheotherendofthebed.
Ichuckled,butitcameclosertothesoundthatsomeonewhowaschokingwouldmake.“Well”—Iclearedmythroat—“IfeellikeIwasrunoverbyastampedeofveryangryandveryheavyantelopesthatwereinarushtogetsomewhere.”
Aaronappearedinmyfieldofvision,comingtoastopinfrontofme.“AreyoureferencingMufasa’sdeath?”
Myfingersstoppedworking,hoveringabovemytemples.“YoulikeTheLionKing?”
“Ofcourse.”
“AnyotherDisneymovies?”Iwastemptingmyluckhere.
Aaron’sexpressionremainedserious.“Allofthem.”
Shit.“EvenFrozen?Tangled?ThePrincessFrog?”Iasked,andhenodded.
“Iloveanimatedmovies.Theytakemymindoffthings.”Hedippedhishandsinthepocketsofhisjeans.“Disney,Pixar…I’mabigfan.”
Thiswastoomuch.First,he’dopenedupabouthischildhoodearliertoday,andnow,this.Iwantedtoaskhowandwhy,buttherewasamorepressingissue.“What’syourfavorite?”
Pleasedon’tsaytheonethatwillsendmyheartintocardiacarrest.Pleasedon’tsayit.
“Up.”
Fuck.Hehadsaidit.Myheartstruggledthereforamoment.Andthatlittlespotthathadbeensofteningthroughoutthenightgotalittlebigger.
“Oh.”Thewordbreathilyleftmylips.ItwasallImanaged.
Myeyesclosed,andmyfingersresumedmassagingmytemples.AlthoughmaybeIshouldhavebeenmassagingmychest.
“Thatbad,huh?”HeseemedtobegaugingsomethingwhenIlookedbackathim.Mysobrietymostlikely.
“Don’tworry.”Iwavedmyhand.“I’mokay.I’mnotdrunkbynow.IpromiseIwon’tpukealloveryoutonight.”
Thatdidn’tearnmemuchofananswer,makingmecringeovermychoiceofwords.
Withoutfurthercomment,Aarondisappearedinthetinyensuitebathroom,leavingmetodealwithmyawkwardnessandthoughts.
WhichmainlycenteredaroundAaron—watchinganimationmoviesintheprivacyofhishome,particularlyUpandperhapsfindingakindredspiritinCarl—andthedamnbedagain.
Istoodupslowly.
Mygazefollowedthegeometricpatternthatcrisscrossedthecomforter,allthewaytowherethepillowslay.Ourheadswillbethere,onlyafewinchesapart.EverythingIwasfeelingwasslowlyreplacedbyaweirdmixofanticipationandsomething…new.
Ineededtokeepmycool.Itwasjustabed.Weweretwoadultswhocouldsleepnexttoeachother.Wewere…friendsnow?No,Ididn’tthinkwewere.Butwewerenotjustcolleagueseither.Evenforgettingaboutthefactthathe’dsoonbemyboss,Ididn’tthinkweonlyqualifiedastwopeoplewhoworkedtogether,arguedonaregularbasis,andstruggledtotolerateeachotherformorethantenminutes.Ourdeal—thislovedeceptiongamewewereplaying—hadpushedusoutofthatmeticulouslylabeledareawehadbeenin.Shovedusrightintoacompletelynewandunchartedterritory.Andnow,weweremorethanwhateverwehadbeen.Wewere…
Wewereabouttoshareabed.ThatwastheonlythingIknewforsure.
That,andthefactthatIneededtostopoverthinkingit.WhatIneededtobewas…unaffected.Yeah.Ifweweregoingtoshareabed,Ineededtostopbehavinglikeitwasabigdeal.Evenifitwas.Becauseitmotherfreakingwas.Aaronhadbeenshowingmejusthowmuchwithhissoftbutunwindingtouchesandtheselittlepiecesofhimselfthatwerejustasprovoking.
WhathadRosietoldmeonce?
“Setyourgoalfreeintotheuniverse.Visualizeit.”
ThatwasexactlywhatIneededtodo
So,Ivisualizedmyselfasimpassive.Unconcerned.Unimpressed.Iwasablockoficeinthemiddleofablizzard.I’dstandsolidly.Immovableandcoldandcalm.
Yeah
Walkingtotheclosetwiththatonmind,Ipulledoutmypajamas,whichconsistedofshortsandanoldT-shirtwithScienceRocksinboldyellowletters.Apartofmeregrettednotputtingmorethoughtintoitnowthattheroomarrangementsituationhadchanged.AnothermuchsmallerpartthoughtthatAaronwouldappreciatethemessageintheshirt.Thatmaybehewouldgivemeoneofthoselopsidedsmirksthat—
No.Thosewerenotthoughtsablockoficewouldhave.
Aaronwalkedoutofthebathroominsilence,stilldressedinhisbutton-down,whichnowhadtwonewundonebuttons—which,Iremindedmyself,didnotaffectme—andheadeddirectlytohissideofthecloset.Returningthesilence,Islippedinthebathroom,soIcouldchangeandwashup.
Oncedonewiththatandcladinmyjammies,Ifilledmylungswithadeepandhopefullyenergizingbreathandreturnedtothebedroom.
Ididn’tknowwhatIhadexpectedtofind,butIwassurelynotpreparedforthesightofAaroninonlyapairofsleepingpants.Theyhunglowonhiships—solowthatIcouldseethewaistbandofhisunderwear—andtheywereadarkshadeofgraythatcomplementedhisskin.
Mygazetrailedup,andthereitwas.ThatgloriouschestthatIhadwitnessedshiningunderthesunwithdropletsofsweatthat—
Jesus,no,no,no
Ineededtostopgawking.EatinghimwithmyeyesasifIhadneverseenanakedchestbefore.Itcouldn’tbehealthy.Goodformymentalhealth.
Turningawayfromhimalittletoobriskly,Ifumbledwithmydiscardedclothes.Outofthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchedhimsliponashort-sleevedshirt
Good.Thatwasdefinitelygood.Coverthosechiseledpecsandabs,stupidlyflawlessmanwholovesUp.
Iopenedthedrawerofthenarrowdresserandstaredintoit.RealizingIdidn’tneedanythingfromthere,Icloseditagain.Ithrewopenoneofthewardrobedoorsandrealizedthesamedamnthing.Cursingundermybreathatmyevidentshowofstupidity,IsensedAaronmovebehindme.
MyhandstwistedtheclothesIwasholdingintoaball.
Asoftbrushonthebackofmyarmderailedmyinnerpeptalk,immediatelylightingonfiremyattemptstoconvincemyselfIwascoolandunaffected
“What’swrong?”Heskimmedthosefingersupanddownthebackofmyarm.“Youarefidgeting.”
“Nothingiswrong.I’mokay,”Ilied,andIheardmyownvoiceshake.“I’m…cool.”
Isowasn’t.
AaronflickeredhisfingersonelasttimeacrossmyskinasIremainedwithmybacktohim.Itfeltlikehewaswaitingforsomething,andwhenthesilencethatfollowedmycommentstretched,hesighed.“I’llsleeponthefloor.”
Hisvoicehadsoundedallwrong,soIfinallyturnedtofacehim.Hewaswalkingaway,soIreachedforhisarm,wrappingmyslenderfingersaroundhiswrist.Icouldfeelhispulseagainstmyskin.
“Don’t,”Iwhispered.“Itoldyou,youdon’thaveto.Wewillsleeponthebed.Bothofus.”Iswallowedthelumpthathadformedinmythroat.“That’snotwhatI’mworriedabout.”Andthatwasn’tacompletelie.IknewthatAaronwouldgladlysleepwithhalfhisbodyhangingoffthatbedifIsomuchaslookedslightlyuncomfortable.Hell,he’dsleeponthefloorifIlethim.“I’mjust…”Ishookmyhead,notknowinghowtofinishthatstatement.Notdaringto.
It’snotyouinbedwithmethatI’mscaredof,Iwantedtotellhim.It’smeandeverythingthat’sgoingoninsidemyheadandthatstupidorganinthecenterofmychest—that’swhatI’mscaredof.It’smeandwhatIcouldpossiblyletmyselfdo,whatI’mterrifiedof.It’sthiswholecharadewehavebeenexecutingthatismessingwitheverythingIthoughtIknew
Ithadn’tevenbeenadaysincewehadlandedinSpain,andIfeltlikeeverythingbetweenAaronandmehadchangedmoreintwentyhoursthaniteverhadinalmosttwoyears.
Howcouldthatbepossible?
“Tellmewhat’sgoingoninsideyourhead;youcantrustme.”Heliftedhisfreehandandcuppedmyfaceinhispalm.“Letmeshowyouthatyoucantrustme.”
OhGod,Iwantedtolethimdothat.Badly.
Butitfeltlikejumpingoffacliff.Bold.Tooreckless.Itpetrifiedme.
Meetinghisgaze,IrealizedIcoulddrownintheblueofhiseyesifIallowedmyselfto.Whichonlyfueledmyfear.LonggonewasthatblockoficeIhadpreachedaboutahandfulofminutesago.Thatsimplegesture—hiswarmhandcuppingmycheek—meltedmetotheground.Dissolvedmeintonothingmorethanwater.Hehadthatpoweroverme.
“Idon’tknowhow.”Ileanedmyfaceintohispalm.Justforaheartbeat.ThatwasallIallowedmyself.
Then,Aaron’stouchwasgone,andtheforgottenclothesthatIstillheldunderonearmweresnaggedoutofmygrip.Heplacedthemsomewhereelse.Thefloor,thedresser,thebed—Ididn’tknow,andIdidn’tcare.Notwhenaveryparticularemotionhadsolidifiedinhisgaze.Determination.
Deepinmygut,IknewhewasgoingtoshowmethatIcouldtrusthim.ThatperhapsIcouldjump,anditwouldbeokay.Thatmaybehewouldn’tletmedrownlikeIfeltIwould.
Somethingsettledintheairaroundus.Somethingthickandsultrychangedtheatmosphereinthesmallroom.
“Closeyoureyes,”herequested.Althoughithadn’tbeenaquestion.Notreally.
Itdidn’tmatterbecausemyeyelidsfellimmediatelyshut.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,IdidexactlyasAaronhadsaidwithoutputtingupafight.Notasingleboneinmybodywaswillingtodoanythingelsebutfollowhisdirections.Lettinghimshowmewhateverhewasafter.
Takingtheweightofansweringhisquestionoffmyhands.
Eyesclosed,Ifelthimsteppingcloser,hisproximitylikeawarmblanketIwantedtowrapmyselfin.
Witheachlingeringmomentthatpassed,whereIwaited,everyothersensegraduallyheightened.Icouldhearmyheavybreathing,feelmychestheavingupanddown,sensethewaymybloodwasbeingpumpedthroughmybody,reachingmytempleswithgrowingintensity.IcouldfeelthewarmthradiatingoffAaron’slargebodyinwavesthatseemedtobeinperfectsyncwithmyheartbeat.
Andashissilencecrowdedthespacebetweenus,Ikeptwaiting.Inthedarknessthathadswallowedme,Ianticipatedhiswords,histouch,hisnextmovelikeIhadneveranticipatedanythinginmylife.LikeIwasreadytocomeoutofmyskinifhedidn’tfollowupthatfirstcommand.Hatingandrelishingineverysecondthatseparatedmefromwhateverwasgoingtocomenext.
“Once,ItoldyouIwaspatient.”Aaron’sbreathfellonmytemple,sendingarushofsensationalongthebackofmyneck.“ThatIwasn’tscaredtoworkhardforwhatIwanted.”
Closer.HewasmuchcloserthanI’dthought,hisproximitywarmingmyskineventhoughnotapartofourbodiestouched.Icouldchangethat.Ionlyneededtoliftmyhand,andIcouldbebrushingthoselipsthatweresoclosetomyearwithmyfingers.OrIcouldpushhimawayandendthistorture.
Butthenhecontinued,“Imightnothavebeencompletelyhonest.”
Ididneitherofthosetwothings.Myhanddidn’treachoutorpushhimaway.Instead,Ilettheanticipationsimmerinmyblood.Ilethimtakethatchoiceawayfromme.Andjustasifhecouldreadmelikeanopenbook,hedidexactlythat.
Hislipsfinallybrushedtheskinrightbeneathmyear,triggeringanoutbreakofshiversthatrandownmybody,notsparingasingleinchofflesh.“It’sbecomingreallyhardtomakemyselfwait.”Anotherpassofhislipsoverthesamepatchofskin.“Youareveryclosetodrivingmeoutofmymind.”
Ahumorlesschucklelefthislipsthen,thesoftpuffofaircaressingandticklingmyskintoo.Isensedhimcomeastepcloser,andmyheartraced.
“ButIamamanofmyword.”
Mybreathhitchedinmythroatwhenhislipscameintocontactwithmyneckoncemore,thattimeremainingthereaheartbeatlonger.
Aaron’sfingerstrailedupmyarm,reachingtheothersideofmyneckandcuppingmyface.Justhowhehaddoneearlier.“Doyouwantmetostepaway?”Histhumbgrazedmyjawslowly.
Mylipsparted,andallImanagedwasaweakshakeofmyhead.
AnapprovinghumleftAaron.Thatsoundalonedidcrazy,dangerousthingstomybelly.
“Youwantmytouchthen.”
Idid.OhGod,didIever.But—
“Good.”
Hisfingerstrickleddownmythroat,reachingthenecklineofmysleepingT-shirt,liquefyingeveryrationalthought.Buttherewasawarninginmyheadsomewhere,somethingIshouldberemembering.
“Aaron,”Iwhispered.
Thecontactofhisskinagainstminewassogentle,soimpossiblydelicate,andyetithadthepowertomakemelosemymind.Toignitesomethinginme.Justhowhehadproveneversincethefundraiser.
“Aaron,”Irepeated.
Hisfingershalted,liftingoffmyskinrightabovemycollarbone.Ifeltthelossofhistouchimmediately.
“Whatarewedoing?”Iasked,soundingdesperatetomyownears.Ireleasedalltheairinmylungsveryslowly,grievingthewayIhadfeltaheartbeatago.Butthiswasimportant.Ihadtosaysomethingtofeelsafer.Tomakesenseofthis.Otherwise,I’dsinkundermyownweight.IknewIwould.“Isthis…stillpretending?”Iswallowed.Ihatedmyownwords,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.“Isthisjustforpractice?”
Aloudvoiceinmyheadyelledatmetoshutup.NottoruinthemomentandtoletmyselftakeasmuchasAaronwaswillingtogiveme.ButthetruthwasthatIwasterrified.Deepinmybones,Iwasshaking.Beneathallthewaysmybodykeptreactingtoeverytouchandwordandcravingmoreandmorealltheonestocome,itfesteredfear.
IfeltAaron’ssighonmyskin,andIwastemptedtoreachoutandlatchontohimbeforehesteppedaway.Ihadprobablyruinedeverything.
Buthedidn’t.
“Wouldthatmakeyoufeelbetter?I’llpretendalittlelonger,ifthat’swhatyouneed.”
“Yes.”Thewordleftmylipsinarush.
IknewI’dcometoregretsayingthat,probablysoonerthanlater.Thiswasadangerousgame.Butinthatmoment,theonlythingthatseemedtomatterwasthesafebubbleIhadcreatedaroundus.ThelifelineIhadbeggedhimtothrowme,andIwasholdingontofordearlife.IfIinspectedAaron’swordstooclosely,I’dopenmyeyes,mybrainwouldstartfunctioningagain,andourmouthswouldbebusytalking.
Hislipsfellonmyskinoncemore,resumingwheretheyhadstopped.Hismouthskimmedalongmyjaw,andmyheartseemedtocomebackaliveinmychest,makingmerealizeIhadn’treallynoticedhowithadceasedtobeatwithouthistouch.
“Idon’tthinkI’dbeabletodenyyouasinglethingifyouasked,Catalina.”
Hefollowedthatwithoneopenmouthedkissagainstthesideofmyneck,almostrippingawhimperoutofme.
MyeyelidsmusthaveflutteredbecauseAaronsaid,“No.Don’topenthemyet.”
AndIdidn’t.Icouldn’t.Aaronwasinabsolutecontrolofmybodynow.
“Goodgirl.Keepthemclosed.”Hebrushedanotheropenmouthedkissasareward.“We’llplaythisgamealittlelonger.”
Mystomachplummetedtomyfeetinresponse.
“Forpracticepurposes,”hesaid,andthehandthatwascuppingmyheadstartedtrailingdown,down,downovermyclothes,stoppingonmywaistandleavingaburningpathbehind.Itsentmyheadspinning.“Icanshowyouexactlywhatitwouldbelike.”
Ifelthimfistingthefabricofmyshirt,asifhewasstoppinghimselffromdoingmore.Thenreleasingitandreturninghispalmtomywaist.
“Ifyouwerereallymine,I’ddothisallthetime.”Hislongfingersdrapedaroundmyhipandpushedmeagainsthimfromthewaistdown.Hot—hefeltsohotandhard,brandingmyskin,evenwithlayersoffabricseparatingus.
“Ifyouweremine,you’dcravethis.”Hethenclosedtherestofthedistancethatseparatedusveryslowly.BringingourbodiesflushtogetherwithsuchsoftnessandatsuchapainfulpacethatIpraisedandcursedhimatthesametime.“You’dwelcomethis.Youwouldwantit.”
Andwasn’tIdoingallthosethings?
BeforeIcoulddelveintothat,Aaron’slargebodyshifted,andmybackwasagainstahardsurface.Myhandtraveledacrossitabsently.Thewardrobe.Hewascagingmeagainstwhatfeltlikethewardrobedoor,andIdidn’tknowhowwehadendedupthere.Notreally.Buthewaspressingdeliciouslyintome,shelteringmefromtheworldaroundus.Likethehuman-sizedshieldhehadshownmehecouldbeforme.Rootingmetothegroundandsendingmysensesflyingallatonce.So,Ididn’tcare.Instead,mybodycravedmorecontact.Itthrobbedformore.
“IfIwereyours,Iwouldnotbecapableoffunctioningwithouttouchingyou.”Hiswordsmadesomethinginmychestconstrict.“Icouldn’tgoafewminuteswithoutdoingthis,”headded,squeezingmywaistwithhishandandslippinghisthumbbelowmysleepingshirt,robbingmeofthefollowingbreath.“Orsomethinglikethis.”Aaronsteppedfurtherintome,pressinghishipsagainstmine.
Ahelplesswhimperleftme.
Therunawaythumbthathadsnuckbelowthefabricofmyshirttrailedafewinchesupmyside,rumplingmyshirtonitsway.
Averyshakyexhaleescapedmylips.Icouldn’tdomuchmorethanthat,hardlybreathing,barelysurvivinguntilthenexttouch.Everynerveinmybodyfeltlikeitwasabouttobelitonfire.Mybloodboiled,burningeveryvesselandorganinitspath.Everythingburned.
IthoughtanewwhimperhadescapedawayfrommebecauseIwasrewardedwithanotheropenmouthedkiss.Thistimeonmytemple.Then,Aaron’slipstraveleddownthesideofmyface,theairleavingthemwarmandenticing.
Hismouthstoppedatmyeyelids,stillshut,andheheldhislipsabovethemforasecond.Itwasn’takiss;itwasmoreofafeatherlighttouch.And,God,thatsoftbrushofhislipsalonewassosweet,sofuckingtenderthatitmademewanttoweep.
Hecontinueddown,stoppingatmynoseandrepeatingthesoftcaress.
Then,hedidittomyrightcheek.Myleftcheek.Mychin.
Aaronleftsoftkisseseverywherehestopped,turningmeinsideout.
Pure,unfilteredneedpulsatedthroughmybodywitheveryinchofskinhislipstraveled.Andwhentheyreachedthecornerofmymouth,IfeltlikeIwoulddetonatelikeabombifhedidn’ttouchmetheretoo.Ifhedidn’tbrushhislipsovermineandkissme.
Ifeltthelargeandmasculinebodythatpressedagainstmesigh.Hislipshoveringabovemine.
Breakingmyrestraint,myhandliftedandlandedonhisupperarm,whichIdiscoveredwasbracedagainstthewardrobesurface,rightnexttomyhead.Barelyabletotakeaholdofhisflexedbiceps,IwrappedmyfingersaswellasIcouldaroundthehotandtenseskin.Everythingstrainedandtightenedundermytouch.AndIwonderedifhewasholdinghimselfback,holdingbackfromwrappingbotharmsaroundmeandliftingmeintheair.Perhapspressingmeharderintohisbody.Ordoingmorethanjustleavingfeatherlightkissesandsoftbrushesofhisfingers.
Unsureifwhatheneededwasmyencouragement,Iincreasedthepressureofmyholdonhisarm.Mynailsdugintohisskin.
AdeepandthroatysoundleftAaron’smouth,landingrightbetweenmylegs.Justwherealltheever-growingneedhadgathered.
Ilatchedontohisarmharder,mybodyarchingintohimunconsciously,barelyabletocontainmyselfanylonger.Iwasveryclosetobegging,andIwouldifIhadto.Inresponse,Aaroncamealittlecloser.Pressedagainstmealittleharder.
Icouldfeelhimthrobbingagainstmybelly.
“Lina.”Mynamelefthislipslikeasoftprayer.Orawarning.Iwasn’tsure.“I’mgoingtokissyou.”
Hiswordsfellonmylips,close,soclose.So,Iwasleftwithnooptionbuttoincreasethepressureofmyfingersaroundhisarm,soIwouldn’tdissolverightthere.ToslipawayanddisappearbeforeIcouldtouchhim.AndIwantedtosobadly.Hisneck,hislips,hisjaw,thelittlewrinklebetweenhisbrows—everything.Iwantedtoslipmyfingersthroughhisravenhairandrunthemdownhischest,allthewaytohisthickthighs.
IwantedAarontodeliverhispromise.Iwantedhimtokissme.
Anotherbrieftouchofhislips,thistimeagainstmine.Soft,full,sweet,justlikehoneyrunningdownmymouth.Iwanted—no,Ineeded—more.
“Please,Aar—”
Adoorslammingshutsomewhereintheapartmentstartledthepleaoutofmylips.Aaron’smouthpulledbackfromminebeforeIevenproperlytastedhim,myeyesfallingbackopen.
Iwaswelcomedbytheimageofamanonthebrinkoflosingcontrol.Hisgazewashazy,cloudedbythesameneedthatwaspumpingthroughmybloodstream.
Aaron’sforeheadfellonmine.Iwatchedhischestheave,haulingairinandoutofhislungswitheffort.Justlikeminewasdoing.Andweremainedinsilenceforalongmoment,surroundedbyonlythesoundofourwildandunrestrainedbreathing.
“YoucalledmeLina.”Outofeverythingthathadjusthappened,thatwaswhatmyfoggybraindecidedtogowith.“Youneverdo.Youonlyhaveonce.”
Stillrestingonmyforehead,Aaron’sheadshookagainstmine.Verybriefly.Then,abreathylaughreachedmyears.Itmademesmile.
Butthatpartofmybrainthatwassupposedtoworkoutalltherationalreasoningcamebacktolife,wipingthatsmileoffmyface.
HolyshitWealmostkissed
Aaronhadwarnedmehe’dkissme,andthenhealmosthad.Themanwhosearmsandbodywerecurrentlycagingmeagainstawardrobehadtorturedmewithhisfingertips,hismouth,andthenhehadalmostkissedme.RightafterhecalledmeLina.But—
“OhmyGod,”Iwhispered.“Whatthehellwasthatnoise?”
Aaronliftedhisheadslightly,justenoughformetobeabletowatchhowhiseyestraveledacrossmyface,bouncingfromeveryspothehadbrushedhislipsovertothenext,asifhecouldn’tdecidewheretosetcamp.Eventuallystoppingatmylips.Somethingthatlookedalotlikepainflashedacrosshisexpression.“Yourcousin,Ihope.”
Charo
Ofcourse.That…madesense.
Aaronsoberedupslowly,hisexpressioneventuallygoingbacktonormal.“I’llgocheck,”heannouncedbeforerippinghimselfoffme.
Mybodygrievedthelossalmostimmediately,feelingcoldandunbalancedwithouthim.
Willingmylegstoremainstrong,IlimitedmyselftofollowingAaron’smarchtothedoor,feelingnumbandallovertheplace.Helookedbackatmerightbeforeheopenedit.
“Catalina.”Thereitwasagain.NotLina.Catalina.“I’mgladIdidn’tkissyou.”
Somethinghaltedinmychest.
“Why?”Thewordwasnothingmorethanashakywhisper.
“BecausewhenIfinallytakethoselipsinmine,itwillbethefurthestthingfrompretending.Iwillnotbeshowingyouwhatitwouldbelikeifyouweremine.I’llshowyouwhatitis.AndIsureashellwon’tbeshowinghowgoodIcouldmakeyoufeelifyoucalledmeyours.You’llalreadyknowthatIam.”
Hepaused,andIsworeIcouldseetherestraintinhisposture.Asifhewasstoppinghimselffrompouncingandreturningustoourformerposition,rightagainstthehardsurfaceofthewardrobedoor.
“WhenIfinallykissyou,therewon’tbeanydoubtinyourmindthatitisreal.”ChapterTwenty
Themomentmyeyespoppedopentothegloriousdarknessthatonlyacountrywhereblindswerereligiouslyinstalledcouldprovide,IknewIwasn’tinmybed
Forone,Iwasusedtowakinguptobrightbeamsofsunlightfloodingmystudioapartment.Then,therewasthesurfacebeneathme.Itfeltdifferent.Softerandbouncierthantheonemybodywasaccustomedto.Samewentforthepillowwheremyheadrested—tooflatandlow.
Butwhatreallyscreamedatmethatthiswasn’tmybed—thatIwasn’tinmyapartmentinBed-Stuy,Brooklyn—wasthedeadweightcurrentlyrestingonmywaist.Itwasheavyandwarmandfeltalotlikeanoversizelimbthatsurelycouldn’tbelongtome.
Thedrummingoccurringinalmosteverycornerofmyheadwasprobablynothelpingmegetanyclarityonwhatwasresponsibleforthatvisearoundmybody.OrwhyIwasn’tinthecomfortofmyroom,rollinginamattressthathadmadeitworthpunchingaholeinmybankaccount.
BlinkingafewtimesasIbrushedsomeofthesleepylocksofhairoffmyface,myeyesadjustedtothedarkness.
Mygazesearchedforwhateverwasbehindtheweightonmymidsection.
Anarm.JusthowIhadsuspected.Itwasdustedwithdarkhairandcordedwithmuscle.So,itwasn’tmine.Myeyesfollowedthatmuscularandlonglimballthewayupuntilreachingtheverymasculineshoulderitwasattachedto.Ashoulderthatledtoastrongneckthatendedinaheadthat—
Mierda
TheownerofallthosebodypartsIhadbeenstudyinginthedarknessshifted.Ifroze.Thatrobustandheavyarmthatwaslatchedtomywaistmovedslightly,hishandpartiallyslippingbeneathmyshirt.Allfivefingerssplayedonmyskin.
Mybreathgotstucksomewherebetweenmythroatandmouth.
Donotfuckingmove,Catalina,Iorderedmyself.
Butitwashardwhenthosefingersfeltsohotagainstmyskin,causingmywholebodytotingle.
OnlyafewinchesseparatedmefromAaron.
Aaron
Lastnight.
AseriesofF-bombsweredropped,blastingacrossmymindasblurryimagesflashedthroughmyhead.
No,no,no,no
Thosefingersbrushedmyskinagain,andadeepandthroatynoiseleftthemansleepingbesideme.
Adream.Allthoseimageshadtohavebeenadreambecausewecouldn’thavealmostkissed.Thatwascompletelycrazy.Thatwas—
Atthefastestpaceknowntoman,alltheeventsfromlastnightsolidified.Theytumbleddownmymemory,flashingbehindmyeyesandmakingmerecalleverylastoneofthem.Eachandeveryoneofthoseimages,snippets—memories—replayedinmymindinpainfullyslowmotion.
Allthesidra.Aaron’sfabricatedstoryabouthowwehadstarteddating.Thewayhiseyeshadbeenlockedonmeallthroughthenight.Usdancinginthemiddleofadarkclubwithstickyfloors,lostamongtheseaofbodies.Myfreak-out.Aaronsittingwithmeonthesidewalk,takingcareofme,tellingmeabouthimself.Openingupandlayingoutapieceofhimselfforme.Himpressingmeagainstthewardrobe.Mybodycomingalive—beinglitonfire—withallthosefeatherlightbrushesofhislipsandfingers.Lina.AaronhadcalledmeLina.Rightbeforehebrushedhislipsovermine.
Wehadalmostkissed.
No.IhadalmostbeggedAarontokissme,andIwouldhavedonemorethanjustthat.
“WhenIfinallykissyou,therewon’tbeanydoubtinyourmindthatitisreal,”hehadsaidthatbeforegoingtocheckifwhathadburstourbubbleofmadnesswasCharo.
AndIhadlainonthebedandpassedoutimmediately.
Fuck,fuck.Mierda,joder.
Ineededtogetoutofthisbed.Ineededtimetothink,toprocess.AwayfromAaron.BeforeIdidsomethingstupid.Orreckless.Somethinglikealmostkissinghim.
Alowgroanclimbedupmythroat,andIhadnootherchoicebuttomuffleitwithmyhand.Thesuddenmotionmadethemattressbounceunderme.
Shit
Aaronstretchedbesideme.
Don’twakeup,please.Please,universe.God.Anyone.IjustneedacoupleofminutestogathermyselfbeforeIhavetofacehim.
IfeltAaron’sbodysettleback,hisbreathingremainingdeepandconstant
Returningmyhandbacktomyside—veryfuckingslowly—IthankedtheuniverseforlisteningtomethisonetimeandpromisedI’dmakeupforit.I’dgotochurchwithAbuelanexttimeIcamehome,Iswore.
Iwasbeingacompletechicken,butIwantedafewminutestomyself.JustsoIcouldappeaseeverythingthatkeptdartingthroughmymind.Tomakepeacewithitandmoveonlikenothinghadeverhappened.Also,tohuntdownapainkillerandkillthethrobbinginmyhead.Coffeewouldbegoodtoo.
Andthefirststepwasgettingthehelloutofthisbed—fromunderthearmIhaddesperatelybeengrippingfordearlifeonlyafewhoursago—asfastandasquietlyasIpossiblycouldbeforeAaron’seyesopenedandfoundmelosingmyshit.
LiftingAaron’sheavylimbasdelicatelyandslowlyasIcould,Irolledtotheside,righttotheedgeofthebed,andthenIdepositedhismuscularbodypartbackonthecomforter.Aaronmoved,turningonhisbackandliftingthatarmthathadbeenontopofmesoitrestedbehindhishead.
Thatpositioncausedhisbicepstoflexandlookallbiganddelectableand—
JesusChrist,Catalina
Pullingmyeyesoffthemanonthebed,Imovedthroughtheroomonmytiptoes.Imademywayoutandclosedthedoorbehindme.Myheadfellonthewoodensurface,andmyeyesclosed.
“Vaya,vaya.Miraquiénhaamanecido,”ahigh-pitchedvoicewelcomedmefromoutsidethekitchen.“Buenosdías,prima.”
Thebloodinmybodyfroze.
Icouldn’tcatchafreakingbreak.
Mylipscurledwithaforcedsmile.“Hola,Charo.Buenosdías,”Igreetedher,straighteningmybackandtryingtolookthefurthestfromsomeonewhohadjustsnuckoutofaroom.
Iwalkedintothekitchen,keepingmystepsbreezyandcasual.
Passingmycousinasshestoodrootedtothewhitetiles,studyingmyeverymove,Iproceededtoopencabinetsanddrawers,lookingforthecoffeebeanssoIcouldatleastcaffeinatemybrainbeforeCharostartedthequestioning.OrAaronwokeupandIhadtofacehim.
“Hedejadounacafeterapreparada,”Charochimedbehindme.Shehadpreparedcoffeeforme.Thatcouldonlymeanonething:shewasuptosomething.“Estáahí,mujer.Enlaencimera.”Coffeewasonthecountertop.
Withmybackstilltoher,Imutteredmythanksandproceededtopoursomeblackgoodnessinamug.
Muchtothedispleasureofmyhungoverhead—butnotanysurprise—shecontinuedwithhermonologuebeforeIcouldeventakethefirstsip.
“Haysuficienteparatiyparatunovio.”Therewasenoughcoffeeformeandmyboyfriend,shetoldme.“Imaginoquenotardaráendespertarse?no?Oyesiquieresirallamarleparaquenoseenfríeelcafé…”Charocontinued.
IfshewastryingtogetmetogofetchAaronsothecoffeeshehadpreparedwouldn’tgetcold,shehadanotherthingcoming.ThecoffeewouldspontaneouslyturnintoicecubesbeforeIwillinglywentbackinsidethatroom.
“Menudasensaciónhacausadoenlafamilia.Tumadrenopodíapararde…”Andthensheproceededtotellmeaboutwhenandhowandwhathadbeensaidaboutmy—fake—boyfriend,Aaron,inthemeretwenty-fourhourshe’dbeeninthecountry.
Whichhadbeenalot,consideringtheshortamountoftime.
ThatwasexactlywhyhavingCharosharingaccommodationswithuswassodangerous.Shehadnosocialfiltersofanykindandnoregardforprivacy.Iwasgenuinelyshockedshewasn’tplunderingherselfintoourroomandtakingmyfakeboyfriendoutofbed,soshecouldcontinueherperusal.
Charo’schatterkeptfillingthekitchenasInoddedmyheadabsently.“Yjustocomoledijeatumadre,llegaráundíaenelqueLinatendráquesuperarlodeDaniel.”JusthowItoldyourmom,oneday,LinawillhavetogetoverDaniel.“Sinosevaaquedarparavestirsantosy…”
Jesus,mycousinhadjustusedthatSpanishexpressionIhatedsomuch.TheoneIhadhearddirectedatmemorethanonce,alwaysmutteredorwhispered,orjustlikeshehaddone,loudandclear.Sevaaquedarparavestirsantos.WhichliterallytranslatedtosomethingaboutdressingsaintsandmeantthatI’dstaysingleanddedicatemylifetoGodfortherestofmylife.
Feelingcompletelydefenseless,standingallalonewithmycousin,Icouldn’tdecideifsleepyAaronwasablessingoracurseanymore.Yesterday,whenhehadbeenwithme,facingCharo,mysister,Daniel,andeverybodyelse,ithadbeenunexpectedlyeasierthandoingthatnow.
IrealizednowthatasmuchasIhadbroughthimtoSpainwiththatparticularpurpose,Ihadnevertrulyexpectedthatitwouldwork.Orthatwe’dbecomeateam.Thathe’dinstillstrengthinme—evenifI’duseittolietomyfamily—orthathe’dmakemefeellikeIwasn’taloneinthis.
Andthescariest,mostterrifyingpartwasthatallthatwasstartingtobleedthroughthelinesthatdefinedourdeal.Inalittleoveraday.
Theproofwaslastnight.Wehadalmostkissed.Wehaddonemorethanjustthat.Morethanpracticingorpretending.
Crazy.Itwascrazy,butitwasalsotrue.Iwashonestenoughtoadmitthattomyself.
Butthatdidn’tmeanIwasbraveenoughtoacknowledgeitoutloud.Iwasstillthecowardwhohadwalk-of-shamedherwayoutofthatroomlikeherasswasonfirebeforeIwasforcedtohaveaconversation.
AndI’ddothatagain.
Aaronwouldsoonbecomemyboss,andthatwouldchangeeverything.Havinghimhere—inSpain,inmyhomecountry,attendingmysister’sweddingasmyfakedate—wasalreadydangerous.Itwasreasonenoughformetoshakeinmybootsattheprospectofsomeoneatworkfindingout.Itdidn’thaveanythingtodowithaweirdcompanypolicyorwithmehavingapetpeeve.Ihadalreadybeeninvolvedwithsomeonewhereasupervisoryrelationshipbetweenushadexisted,whereIhadnotbeentheoneinthepositionofauthority.Andwherehadthatledme?Tobeingtheonlyonehavingtodealwiththedirtyandpoisonoustonguesthathadn’tthoughttwicebeforestigmatizingmeandeverythingIhadworkedsohardfor.Justforwhat?Forafewlaughs?Forpointingafewfingers?Forbringingmedown,sothey’dfeelalittlebetter?
Historycouldrepeatitself,andthistime,Iwouldbetheonetoblame.Itwouldbemewhohadtrippedoverthesamestoneforasecondtime.Thistime,I’dbejeopardizingmycareer,too,notjustthecredibilityofmywork,myreputationasawoman,ormysociallife.Anditwouldallbeonme
Takinganothersipofcoffeefrommymug,Itriedtoshoveallthataside.
WhateverIthoughtwasgoingonbetweenAaronandmewouldhaveto…notgo.Anywhere.
Becauseitcouldn’t.Itwouldn’t.Anditwasallalieanyway.
AsiftheverydevilwasbeingsummonedbyCharo,whokepttalkingabouthim,orbyme,whokeptthinkingabouthimonewayortheother,Aaronmaterializedinthekitchen.Hiseyesimmediatelyfoundme,asifIweretheonlythingbetweenthesefourwalls.
Mymugfrozemidair.Mylipsparted,andmygazewashungrytotakeallofhimin.ButhowcouldInot?ThesimpleteethatcoveredhisbroadchestdidnothingtohideabodyInowknewhadbeencarefullycultivatedtoperfectionforyears.Decades.ThoseloosepajamapantsIhadseenhanginglowonhishipslastnightstilldid.Enticingme.Makingmethinkofhowhehadpressedthosehipsintomewithpainfullydelicioussoftness.
Butitwasthelookonhisfacethatstarted—no,rekindled—theflutteringsensationinthepitofmystomach.Hisfeatureswereseeminglysnugwithsleep,relaxed,andhishairwasadorablyruffled.Buthiseyes…well,therewasn’tatraceofsleepthere.Theytoldawholedifferentstory.OneIhadthestrongsuspicionwasextremelysimilartotheonebubblinginmine.
Andthatonlyencouragedthefluttertotakeflightandspreadtotherestofmybody.
Avertingmygazebeforeallthisgawkinganddaydreamingdamagedmybrain,Iforcedmylungstotakeintheoxygenmybodyseemedtoneedinthatmoment.
“Ay!”Charo’sscreechmademeflinch.“Miraquiénestáaquí!Goodmorning,Aaron.Wewerejusttalkingaboutyou.”
PeekingatAaron,Isawhiseyeswidenandthenquicklyreturntoitsnormalsize.
“Goodmorning,”hesaidintotheroom,lookingstillstartled.Itwascute.No,itwasactuallyshockingthathehadnotspottedCharo’sbrightredhairlikeabeaconinthedistance.“Ihopeeverythingyouguysweresayingwasgood.”Heaccompaniedthatwithateeny-tiny,lopsidedsmile.
“Ofcourse,ofcourse.”Charowavedahandintheair.“Wehavebeenwaitingforyoutowakeup.IbetLinawasmissingyou.”
Mybackstiffened,andAaron’sheadwhirledslowlyinmydirection.
Dammit,Charo.MylipscurledinatightsmilethatIhidwithmymug.
Mycousincontinued,“Thereisfreshcoffee.Wouldyoulikesome?Doyoutakeitblack?Wouldyoulikesomemilkwithit?Perhapssugartoo?Brownorwhite?Ormaybeyoudon’tlikecoffee.Linahasn’tsaidanything,soIassumedyouwouldhavesome.Unlessyoudon’t,ofcourse.Iwon’tforceyoutodrinkit.”
Aaronblinked,lookingalittlelost
“Youshouldgetyourselfacup,”Imuttered.
Myfakeboyfriendclearedhisthroatandwalkedinthedirectionofthecoffeepot.“I…IthinkI’llservemyselfacup.Thankyou,Charo.”
Charo’sanswerwasasatisfiedgrin
Aaronpouredhimselfsomecoffee,andbeforethemanevenfinishedfillinghismug,Charowasatitagain.
“So,didyouhavefunyesterday,parejita?”Mycousinsangthatlastword.Parejita—littlecouple.
Irolledmyeyes.
“IwishIcouldhavemadeit,butI’mnotyoungandwildanymore.Notlikeyouguys.Ihopethebedinyourroomisstillstandingafterseeinghowtheotheroneendedup.AlthoughIguessifthathadhappened,Iwouldhavedefinitelynoticed.Thewallsareveeeerythin.”Shefollowedthatwithawink.
Intheperipheryofmyvision,IwatchedAaronwince.Couldn’tblamehim.Iwincedtoo.
“Anyway,”mycousincontinued,“youguysgothomereallylatelastnight.Iheardthefrontdoorclosing.”
“Yes,wedid.I’msorryaboutthat,Charo.”MygazefollowedAaronashewalkeddecidedlyacrossthefewfeetthatseparatedus,finallysettlingononeofthethreehighstoolsplacedaroundthenarrowbreakfastbar.RightbesidewhereIhadsatdownmyself.
“Ayno,don’tworryaboutit,”IheardmycousinsayasIkeptmyeyesonmyfakeboyfriend’smovements.“Itdidnotbotherme.Iwasactuallyhappytoknowyouhadmadeitbacksafely.”
Aaronscootedhisstoolclosertomine,andhisscenthitmelikeafreakingmovingtruck,plungingmebacktolastnight,whenithadcompletelyengulfedme.Myeyelashesfluttered,andIhadtoavertmygaze.
“Oh,okay.Good.That’sgood,”Iabsentlytoldmycousin,feelingmycheeksflush.
“AndIwakeupafewtimesduringthenightanyway.I’malightsleeper.”Charo’svoicekeptfadinginthebackgroundastheknowledgeofhavingAaron’sbodywithinreachsankin.“So,ifyoueverhearweirdnoisesatnight,it’sjustmewalkingaroundtheapartment.”Shechuckled.“Withalittlebitofluck,Iwon’taccidentallywalkinonyounakedorsomething.”
Naked.Aaronnaked.Mymindseemedtoshort-circuitthemomentitventuredintothatmentalimage,pushingmeoffmystoolasifmyasswereonfire.
Space.Air.Ineeded…something.Anything.
Notbeingabletogoveryfar,consideringthedimensionofthefunctionalkitchen,Iopenedacoupleofcabinets,makingsuremybackwastoAaronuntilallthatbloodthathadsomehowrisentomyfacereturnedtoitsoriginalplace.
Ifannedmyselfwithoneofthecabinetdoors.Good,good.Better
Needinganexcuseformyveryunclassygetawayfromthestool,Isnatchedapackageofchocolatechipcookies.
“So,tellmeeverything,Aaron,”IheardCharosaybehindmeasIrippedopenthecardboard.“Whatdoyouthinkofourlittlehometown?IamsureitisverydifferentfromNewYork.Wedon’thaveskyscrapersoranyofthat,butthereareplentyofplacestovisit.Nature,beautifulbeaches.Thecoastisreallyamazing.Lotsofstufftodo.”Shepaused,andIextractedoneofthecookiesfromthepackage.“Howmanydayswillyouguysstay,bytheway?Iheardthatyouwerehereonlyforthewedding.That’ssuchashame!Youshouldbookaholidayandjust—”
Thedoorbellrang,interruptingCharo.
“Oh,I’llgetthat,”mycousinannouncedquicklyandthenslippedoutofthekitchen.
Myeyesnarrowed.
WhileIwasbusywonderingifwewereexpectinganybody,ittookmebysurprisewhenanarm—whichIwasstartingtogetverywellacquaintedwithatthisrate—snakedaroundmywaistandpulledmebackward.
Myasslandedonsomethinghardandhot,immediatelymoldingintothespace
Aaron’slap.
Hisbreathcaressedtheshellofmyear.“Youdidn’tsaygoodmorning.”
MybackstraightenedasIrememberedmylamerunawaymoment.“Youalmostmademedropmycookie,Mr.Robot.”Itwassoweird,sostrange,callinghimthat,likeIhaddonesomanytimesinthepast.Asifthatbelongedtoawholedifferentlife.Totwodifferentpeople.
Aaronchuckled,andittickledmyneck.“Iwouldn’tdare.Iknowbetterthanthat.”
Hisarmtightenedaroundme,andIhadtorestrainmyselffromwrappingmyhandsaroundit.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iwhisperedloudly.
Charowouldcomebackinatanysecond.
“Iwasfeelinglonely,”headmitted,loweringhisvoiceandmakingmymindflywitheverythinghewasn’tsaying
Stupid.Ineedtostopbeingstupid
“AndifI’mgoingtositthroughthisone-sidedinterrogation,theleastyoucandoiskeepmecompany.Plus,youowemeaconversation.”
“Iwasrightthere.”Myvoicecameoutstrangled.“AndCharoisnotherenow.”
Hehummed,andthatnoisetraveledstraighttomylowerbelly.“Shewillbebackthough.YouknowIliketobeextraprepared.”
Idid.Iknewhimprettydamnwell,Irealized.
Andjustlikethat,withthatthoughtfloatingaroundmymind,Charo’sheadpoppedupinmyfieldofvision.Hereyeswidened,andthenherfacebrokeintoaridiculouslylargesmile.
Jesus
Sheclappedherhands.“Oh,lookatyoutwo!AyDiosmío.Youareadorable.”
Aaron’schestgrumbledwithalaugh,andIfeltitinmyback.
“See?”hewhisperedinmyear.
No,Ididn’tseeshit,frankly.Itwashardtofocusonanything,beingswaddledinAaron’slap.
Mymouthopened,butallwordsdiedwhenasecondheadpoppedupinthekitchen.
Charoturnedinthedirectionofthatsecondheadtoppedwiththesamebrightshadeofred.“Noves,Mamá?Telodije.”
“TíaCarmen?”Imumbled.“Quéhacesaquí?”WhatwasCharo’smotherdoinghere?
Thewoman,whowasanolderandrounderversionofmycousin,pointedafingeratme.“Venirasaludarte,tonta.”
Shewasheretosayhi?Idoubtedit.She’dseemeattheweddingtomorrow
MyeyesturnedtoCharo,whohadguiltywrittenalloverherface.Shebusiedherselfwithsomethingonthecounter.
Aaronmovedunderneathme,hislegsflexingandhishandholdingmywaistsecurely,justasif—
Whoa
Hestoodup.“Wehaven’tmetbefore,”hetoldmyaunt.Then,hesteppedforward.Somehowkeepingmybodyinhisdelicatebutskilledhold.“Idon’twantyourunningfortheclosestexit,”hewhisperedinmyear.
Whatthe—
“SoyAaron.Encantado,”hesaidlouderformyaunt.Whilekeepingmetuckedtohim.
So,hewasgoingtocarrymearoundinhisarmsuntilItalkedtohim.Aboutlastnight.Aboutouralmostkiss.Myheadswiveledback,eyesnarrowed.
“No,no,no,”TíaCarmencalled,stoppingAaron’sadvancesinherdirection.“Youcansitbackdown,cari?o.Noneedofformalities.Weareallfamily.”
Aaronobeyed,placingusbothbackonthestoolimmediately.
Charo,whohadbeenhoveringaroundthekitchenduringtheexchangewithmyaunt,placedatrayonthebreakfastbar.Itcontainedfruit,cereals,nuts,aplatewithalldifferentkindsofcheeseandembutido,andafewslicesofbreadtoo.
MyeyeswidenedasIwonderedhowandwhenhadthatarrivedtotheapartment.
“Igotafewgroceriesyesterday,”mycousinexplained.
Cockingabrow,Izeroedinonher.Thatmeantplanning.
“Haveyoutriedsomejamón,Aaron?”sheasked,ignoringmyglance.
“Ihave.It’sdeliciousbut—”
TíaCarmenleanedonthetable.“Doyoulikechorizotoo?Thisoneisreallygood.”
“Here,”mycousinsaid,notwaitingforhisanswerandservinghimafewslicesofbothSpanishdelicatessensonasmallplate.Sheplaceditinfrontofus.“Tryit.Ialwaysbuythebestkind.”
Myfakeboyfriendthankedher,probablystaringattheplateandwonderingiftheyactuallylistenedwhenpeopletalked.Takingpityonhim,Ipattedhisforearm,whichwasstillaroundmywaist.
“YquéintencionestieneestechicoconnuestraLinita?”TíaCarmenaskedmycousinasshesnatchedasliceofbreadoffthetray.WhatintentionsdoeshehavewithourlittleLina?
Myjawfelltothefloor.
Charoseemedtothinkaboutitforamoment.“Nolosé,Mamá.”Hereyeszeroedinonthemanbehind—orratherbeneath—me.“Aaron,whatareyourintentionswithLina?Youarenotjustfoolingaround,areyou?Whatdoyouthinkaboutmarriage?BecauseLinaisabouttoturnthirtyand—”
“Charo,”Iinterruptedher.“Yabasta,”Ihissed.“AndI’monlytwenty-eight.Jesus.”
Aaronchuckledbehindme.“Marriageisoneofmyfavoriteinstitutions.”
Myjawhitthefloor.
“I’vealwayswantedtogetmarried.”
Mybreathhitched,mymouthstillhangingopen.
“Haveabunchofkids.Adogtoo.”
Swallowinghard,Itriedmybesttoconcealmypureshock.Itriedtotakeaholdofmymind,whichhadwanderedawaywithdangerousrose-taintedimages,bornofAaron’swords.
Fake.He’sonlysayingwhateveryfamilywantstohear.
Andthenhereallywentforit.“Welovedogs,don’twe,bollito?”
Managingtopickupmyjawfromthefloor,Iansweredwithaweak,“Yeah.”Then,Ishookmyheadandsomehowrecovered.“That’swhywe’llhaveabunchofthem.Insteadofkids.”
Hischuckletickledmyear.
“Butthere’splentyoftimetotalkaboutthat,”Igrittedoutwithafakesmile.
“Ayquebien!Dogs,babies,truelove.Justintimebeforeyouarealittletooold.”Charoclapped,andIshotheralook.“Mujer,notepongasasí.”Don’tbelikethat,shesaid.“Didyoutrythatjamón,Aaron?IfyouevergetmarriedandmovetoSpain,you’llhaveallthejamónyou’deverwant.”
MovetoSpain?Jesus,whatdidshewant?Tomakemelosemyshit?
Mycousincontinued,“Yousee,LinahadtoleavetoAmericaallthoseyearsagobecauseofeverythingthathappenedand—”
“Charo,”Icutheroff,mybreathinggrowingheavy.“Déjaloya,porfavor,”Ibeggedhertodropit.
Thedoorbellrangagain.AndImutteredanot-so-quietcurseundermybreath.
“Oh!Theyarehere!”mycousinannounced.
What?Who?
Then,sheproceededtolinkherarmwithhermother’s,andtheyslippedoutofthekitchentogether.
Aaron’shandsqueezedmyarmgently,andIreleasedalltheairinmylungs.
Iwasonedgeafterthat.AndIwasgoingtoignore—no,forget—hiscommentaboutmarriageandkidsanddogsbecauseitwascompletelyirrelevant.
AndIdidassoonashisfingerstraileddowntomywrist.Thetouch—thecaress—sofeatherlike,sobrief,butsoverypowerfulthatitcreatedariotofshiverstospreadacrossmywholebody.
“Relax,”hesaidinmyear.Hisfingersstartedmovingincirclesovertheskinofmywrist.Thebrushofhisfingerswaslazy,calming.“That’sit,”hewhisperedashisfingertipskeptflickingovermyskin.
Myshouldersgraduallyrelaxeduntilmybacksettledcompletelyagainsthisfront.
Aaron’schinrestedonthetopofmyhead,andthenhesaid,“We’vegotthis.”
Iwantedtobelievehim,tobelievethatwecouldfakedateourwaythroughthisimprovisedfamilyreuniontodayandthentomorrow.ButasIfinallysurrenderedandletmybodyfallintohis,itfeltlikewaymorethanjustthat.Irealizedapartofmedidn’twanttobelieveinjustthat.Becauseitfeltrighttobeinthiskitchen,sittingonhislap,whilehebrushedhisfingersoverthesensitiveskinofmywristasweenduredmyfamily’sinappropriateantics.
Wefeltlikeawe,AaronandI.
Andwhenitwasmymother’sheadcomingintoview,followedbymyabuela,mytía,andCharo,thatrealizationsolidifiedsomewhereinthemiddleofmychest.Likeabrickorablockofcement.Heavy,firm,andreallyhardtoignore.ButitwaswhenAaronbrieflypeeledhimselfoffme—justlongenoughtointroducehimselftomyabuela—thatIfeltthebrickclickintoplace,insertingitselflikeaTetrispieceinanookthathadbeenwaitingtobefilled.Andbythetimehereturnedhisarmtomywaistandmybodytohislap,justafterhelookeddownandsmiledthatsmilejustforme,IknewwithcertaintythatI’dneverbeabletogetthatdamnbrickoutofthere.
Itwastheretostay.ChapterTwenty-One
Surprisingly,everythingwasgoingsmoothly.Sofar,noawkwardorembarrassingmomentshadmademeregretallmylifechoices,andnoonehaddroppedanyinappropriatequestionsthatmademewanttoopenaholeinthegroundandplungemyselfin.
Withalittleluck,Iwouldevenbeabletogetthroughthisonedinner,unscathed.AndIreallythoughtIwould.
Ihopedthissenseofcontentmenthummingsatisfactorilyundermyskinwasn’taby-productofthefoodIhadinhaled.BecausethatwaswhataSpanishfeastcoulddotoyou.Itcouldcloudyourjudgment.
Wewereallsittingaroundaroundtableontheterraceofarestaurantthatfacedthesea.Thesunwassettingonthehorizon,abouttoreachthethinlinewheretheoceanandtheskymet,andtheonlysoundfillingtheairaroundusbesidesthelowchatterwasthecrashingofthewavesagainsttherocksliningthecoast.
Toputitinasimpleway,itwasperfect.
Thesofttouchofahandonmyarmsentahandfulofshiversrollingdownmyspine.
“Cold?”adeepvoiceIhadcometoanticipateinwaysthatmademybreathhitchaskedclosetomyear.
Shakingmyhead,Ifacedhim.Onlyafewinchesseparatedus.Ourlips.
“No,I’mfine.”Iwasn’tfine.IhadlearnedthatwhenAaroncamethisclose,Iwaseverythingbutfine.“Justfull.Imighthaveoverdoneit.”
“Noplacefordessert?”
Myeyebrowsbunchedattheaudacity.“Don’tberidiculous,osito.Ialwayshavespacefordessert.Always.”
Aaron’slipscurledup,andhissmilereachedthecornersofhiseyes,transforminghiswholeface.
Wowie.Ihadn’tbeenpreparedforitifthebutterfliesinmystomachwereanyindication.
“Lina,Aaron,morewine?”mydadaskedfromtheothersideofthetable.
Myparentshadinsistedweorderwineeveniftheweddingwastomorrow—wherealcoholwouldcertainlyflowinriversofsidra,wine,cava,andwhatnot.Nobodyhadtriedtocomplain.NotevenIsabelorGonzalo,whosefacesdisplayedtherepercussionsofouralmostall-nighter.Butinthelandofwine,onesimplydidn’tgotodinnerandnotorderabottle.
“No,thanks.IthinkI’mgoingtosavemyselffortomorrow,”Ianswered,removingmyglassfrommydad’sreach.Thebottlehadalreadybeenhoveringmidair.
Unlikeme,Aaronwastooslow.So,beforehecouldmusterhisanswer,mydadwasalreadyrefillinghisglass.
“Yousnooze,youlose,”Iwhispered,leaninginhisdirection.
Thatbrightsmilethathadtakenhisfacereturned,throwingmeoffmygameintheblinkofaneye.Andthenthearmthathadbeenaroundthebackofmyseatstretched,andheplayfullypinchedmyside.
Ijumpedinmyseat,almostknockingafewglassesoffthetable.
Aaron’sotherhandreachedforhiswine,bringingittohislips.“Don’tbecute,”hesaidoverhisglass,pinningmewithalookthatmademeshiftinmychair.Then,hedippedhisheadandloweredhisvoice.“Nexttime,I’lldomorethanjustpinchyou.”Hislipsfinallymettheglass,takingasip.
Keepingmyeyesonhislipsforafewintenseseconds,Iwassuresomethinghadjustpoppedinthevicinityofmyfemalereproductiveparts.
Cheeksflushed,Iswiveledmyhead,searchingforanyevidencethatsomeoneatthetablehadheardthat.Myabuelawasstillbusycleaningherplateoff.GonzaloandIsabelseemedabouttopassoutfromexhaustionandmostlikelyafoodcomabythetimewereacheddessert.MyparentschitchattedanimatedlywithawaiterIhadn’tevenrealizedwasstandingbyourtable.AndDaniel—whohadcomealonebecausehisandGonzalo’sparentswerearrivingearlytomorrow—waslookingdownathisphonelikeitheldthesecretsoftheuniverse.
Thatdayweeksago,whenIhaduntruthfullydeclaredthatIwasdatingamanafterbeingtoldthatDanielwasengagedandhappierthanever,Ihaddoneitinpanicafterpicturingascenealmostidenticaltotheonewe’dfoundourselvesin.Exceptthatthechairnexttomewouldhavebeenempty.OroccupiedbysomeoneelselikemyabuelaorDaniel’sfiancée,knowingmyluck.Orhey,maybeitwouldhavebeenthatescortIhadbrieflyconsideredhiring.Buteitherway,itwouldhavebeensomeonewhodidn’tmakemyheartracewithnothingmorethanalookormybellytumblewithoneofthosesmilesthatIwasbeginningtocovetjustformyself.
So,asIlookedinDaniel’sdirection,Irealizedafewthings.Firstandforemost,mygutreactiontolieandthrustmyself—andAaron—intothisludicrousplanhadbeen,perhaps,alittleexcessive.Then,therewasthefactthatdespitebeingexcessive,havingAaronwithmehadmadeeverythingeasierinawaythatIwouldneverhavefathomed.Andlast—andIstruggledwithwrappingmyheadaroundthisone—therewasaconsiderablylargepartofme,onethatIwastryingreallyhardtoignorebutfailingatit,thatdidn’tregretanyofit.
Andthatwasextremelydumbofme.BecausethemanIfoundmyselfflushingaround—andnotregrettinghavingbymyside—wouldsoonbecomemyboss.
“So,Aaron,”mymothersaid,returningmebacktothepresent,“Isabelexplainedhowyoutwometandstarteddating.”Hereyessparkled,andIbetithadtodomorewiththewine.“Thatstoryyoutoldthemlastnightinthesidrería.Itsoundedsoromantic,justlikeoneofthosemovieswewatchontheNetflix.”
Ofcourse,mymotherwouldveertheconversationinthatdirection.
“It’sjustNetflix,Mamá,”Imuttered,playingwithmyhandsonthetable.“Andyeah.Aproperofficeromance,justlikeinthemovies,right?”
“Onlythisoneisreal,”Aaronsaid.
Real
Hiswordscamerushingbackintomymind.“Italkedherintobelievingthatsheneededme.Then,Ishowedher—provedtoher—thatshedid.”
Myhearttumbleddownmychest.
“So,howmuchdoyoutwoactuallyworktogether?”Mymother’sgazewasdirectedatAaron,aninquisitivesmileonherlipsthattoldmeshewasdyingtoknoweverythingtherewastoknow.
“Webothleaddifferentteams,andwedon’tworkonthesameprojects,butweseeeachotheroften.”Hesentmeaside-glance.“Andifwedon’t,Imakesurewedo.Itrytocatchheronherbreak,stealaglanceortwointhehallways,passbyherofficewithouthavinganexcuse.Anythingthatwillputmeinherheadforjustafewmomentsaday.”
Idippedmyhead,staringatmyemptyplate.Wasthattrue?Aaronhadhadawayofpoppingupoutofthinair.Buthadthatbeenintentional?Evenifitwastogetonmynerves.Iwasbeginningtostrugglewithsomethingassimpleastellingapartwhatwasrealfromwhatwasn’t.EverythingthatleftAaron’smouthwasbasedonreality—usworkingtogether,usknowingeachotherforalmosttwoyears.Andthenithadapartofdeceit—usdating,beinginlove.Buteverythingelse,everythingthatsomehowlaybetweenthosetwosides—allthoseornamentshehungoffbothtruthanddeceit—belongedtoagrayareaIdidnotknowhowtodefine.
“Quémaravilloso.”Mymotherbeamed.
Then,shetranslatedwhatAaronhadsaidforAbuela,andtheoldwomanIowedmyslightlyfrizzyhairtobeamedtoo.Honestly,AbuelahadbeencharmedbyAaronsincethemomenthehadgreetedherwithtwokissesandtoldherhowproudshemustbeofhergranddaughter.Which,inturn,hadturnedmeintoabeamingidiottoo.
“Youknow,”mydadchippedin,“noteveryoneisabletohandleourLina.Shehasthebiggestheartinthefamily,butshecanbealittle…”Hetrailedoff,oneofhiseyebrowsrisingonhisforehead.“Ay,what’sthewordinEnglish?”Mydadpaused,hislipspuckeredwithfrustration.“Shecanbe—”
“Atotaldork?”suggestedIsabel,whohadjust—veryconveniently—comebackfromthedead.
“Oye!”Iexclaimed.
Atthesametime,mydadanswered,“No.Notthatone.”Hescratchedthesideofhishead.
“Short?”offeredGonzalo.“Clumsy?”
Myheadwhippedinhisdirection.
Aaronhummed.“Ridiculouslystubborn?”
Notbotheringtoturntowardhim,Irammedmyelbowintohisside.Hegentlygrabbedmyarmandlacedourfingerstogether,placingthemontopofthetable.Istaredatourlinkedhands,alloutrageimmediatelyvanished.
Then,Aarondippedhisheadandtoldmeinalowvoice,“Ididn’twanttobeleftout.”
Ilookedoverathimandfoundyetanotherofthosesmilesthatmademeweakintheknees.Somethingflutteredlowinmybelly.Dammit
“Gracias,allofyou,”Imurmured.
Mydadkeptsearchinghismindforwhateverwordhedidn’tseemtoremember.“Itisn’tanyofthosewords.Justletmethink.”
Danielclearedhisthroat,finallytakingpartintheconversation.“WhatifyoutellusthewordinSpanish,andwecantranslateit,Javier?”hesuggested.
Mymomnoddedherhead.“Claro,usaelGoogle,Javier.”UsetheGoogle,Javier.
“Papá,”Itoldhimwithasigh,“justletitgo—”
“Firecracker,”heblurtedout.“OurLinaisalittlefirecracker.”
Allright.Thatwasactuallynotthatbad.
“So,shecanbetoomuchtohandle.Often.”
Oh.Ideflatedalittleinmychair,myhandremaininginAaron’s.
“She’salwayschatteringlikeshehastoomuchtosayandnotenoughtimetodoso.Orlaughinglikeshedoesn’tcareshe’llwakeupthehalfoftheworldthat’ssleeping.Shecanalsobealittledefiant,andGodknowssheisstubbornastheycome.Butthat’sallfire.Passion.That’swhatmakesherourLina.Ourlittleterremoto.”Ourlittleearthquake
Mydad’seyesstartedshiningunderthelightofthefewlampsthathadswitchedonasweenteredthenight.Somethinginmychestconstricted.
“Andforawhilethere,itwasn’tlikethat.Allthatlightnessfadedout,andseeingmydaughtergoingthroughsomethinglikethatwasn’teasy.Itbrokeourhearts.Then,sheleft,andevenifweknewitwaswhatshewantedandneededtodo,ourheartsbrokealittlefurther.”
Tearswererushingtomyeyesbythen,thepressurebehindthemincreasingwitheverywordfrommyfather.Witheverymemoryheunearthed.
“Butthat’sinthepast.She’sherenow,andshe’sokay.Happy.”Mymomreachedout,takingmydad’shandinhers.
Notabletoholdmyselfanylonger,Istooduponshakylegsandwalkedaroundthetable.WhenIreachedmydad,Iwrappedhiminahugandkissedhischeek.“Tequiero,Papá.”Then,Ididthesamewithmymother.“Atitambién,tonta.”Allthewhile,Iheldmytearsinasifmylifedependedonit.Iwouldn’tcry.Irefused.“Now,stopit,okay?Bothofyou.Savesomethingfortomorrow.”
WhenIreturnedtomyseat,IwatchedmyhandreachingforAaron’s.Asifitnolongerconceivednotbeingheldinhis.Absorbedbymyowngesture,myheartfloppedinmychestwhenhishandmetminemidway,linkingourfingersandbringingthemtohismouthtobrushhislipsoverthebackofmyhand.Itwasallsofastthatbythetimeitwasoverandourlinkedhandsrestedontopofthetable,Iwouldn’thaveknownithadreallyhappenedifnotforthescorchingimprintofhislipsonmyskin.
Mymotherspokenext,returningmyattentiontoher,“Itmakesmesohappytohaveyouhome,cari?o.”Then,hereyeslandedonAaron.“Toseeyoulikethis.”Hersmilewidened,thesadnessvanishing.
Apangofguiltslicedmygut,followedbysomethingsultryanddense.Somethingthattastedlikeregretandhope.
“Foramomentthere,Ithoughtshewouldn’treallybringyou,Aaron.Ievenquestionedifyouwerereal.”Shechuckled,andIsworemylungsstoppedworkingforaheartbeat.Hergazemetmine,alightsmileonherface.“Don’tlookatmelikethat.You’venevertalkedaboutanyoneyouwereseeingorbroughtanyonehomefromNewYorkthefewtimesyoucameback.Anditwasallso…sudden.”
“Honestly,hermanita,”Isabelpitchedin,soundingsuspiciouslyinterested,“wethoughtyou’denduplikeoneofthoseoldladieswhodedicatedtheirlifetoabunchofcats.Butinsteadofcats,itwouldhavetobefish.Orlike…geckosbecauseyouareallergictocatfur.”Shesnickered.“Weconstantlytalkedaboutitinfamilygatherings.”
“Thanksforthefaith,”Imutteredandthenstuckmytongueoutinmysister’sdirection.Icouldn’tbelievetheyweresayingthatkindofstuffwithsomeonetheybelievedIwasdatingatthetable.Orbetteryet,withsomeonetheyknewIhaddatedsittingrightthere.“I’mluckytohaveyou.”
Aaron’sfingersgrippedminealittletighter,andIfeltminereturningthegesture.
“No,wedidnottalkaboutsuchthings,”mymotherfirmlydenied,shootingherotherdaughteralook.“Stopteasingyoursister,Isabel.Youaregettingmarriedtomorrow.”
Isabelfrowned.“Whatdoesthathavetodowithany—”
Mamáslicedherhandthroughtheair,dismissingmysibling.
Isnickered,watchinghercrossherarmsoverherchest.
“Weneverthoughtyou’dendupalone,Lina.Butwewereterrifiedyouwouldbelonely.”ShelookedoveratAaron,hereyessoftening.“Andknowingthatyou’renot,thatyouhavesomeonetoleanonandtoreturnhometo,maybesomeonetocallhomeoneday,makesmesleepalittlebetteratnight.”
Themanbesidemedidn’thesitatewhenhespoke,“Icanpromiseyouthatmuch.”Hisvoicereachedmyskinlikeacaress.Pushingmyhearttobangagainstmychestwalls,wantingoutasmuchasIdidn’twanttohearwhateverwastocome.“She’llalwayshaveme.”Histhumbcaressedthebackofmyhand.“Shedoesn’tknowityet,butsheisstuckwithme.”
Icouldn’tnotlookoverathim.Afterthat,Icouldn’tnotwanttosearchhishandsomeface.Atthispoint,itshouldn’thavesurprisedmeallthatmuch.Aaronheldthatkindofpoweroverme.So,Ididexactlythat.Iallowedmyselftoturn.Hiseyeshadalreadybeenonme.
Doeshefeelthatpulltoo?Thaturgetosearchmyfaceforwhateveranswershethinkshe’llfind?
Tryingtogetmyheartundercontrol,Ipeeredintothatoceanbluewithtrepidation.Withanticipationtoo.AndIfoundsomethingutterlyterrifying.Somethingthatshouldn’t—couldn’t—havebeenthere,consideringthatthiswassupposedtobeafarcesothereforehisstatementwasnottrue.ButIstruggledtodenywhatwasinfrontofme,thatthoseemotionswerereallythere,radiatingoffhisgaze.Rawhonesty.Conviction.Faith.Reliance.Apledge.AllofthatlookedatmefromAaron’seyes.Demandingtobeacknowledged.
Asifhewasmakingmethepromiseandnotmymother.
Asifwhathehadjustproclaimedwasn’tpartofourgameindeception.
ButIcouldn’tacceptthat.Asmuchasmybodyshookwithefforttorestrainmyselffromwrappingmyarmsaroundhisneckandbegginghimforanswersortotellmeexactlywhereinthegrayareawefoundourselves,Iwouldn’tallowmyselftoplaywiththequestionsspinninginmyheadandknottingtogetherallmyheartstrings.
BecauseperhapsIdidn’treallywanttohearanyoftheanswerstoquestionslike:Hadwegonefromcoworkerstodealassociatestofriends?Werewefriendswhovowedtobethereforeachothernow?Friendswhoalmostkissedandsharedsoftbrushesoftheirlips?Wasthatpromisereallytrue,likehiseyespleadedwithmetobelieve?Orwasthatnothingmorethananornament?Andifitwas,thenwhywouldhesaysomethinglikethat?Hadhenodisregardformypoorheart?Didn’theseethatIwasnolongerabletodiscernonethingfromtheother?Butifitwasn’tasimpleembellishmentofthetruth—anact,atoolinthisfarce—thenwhatintheworldwashedoing?Whatwerewedoing?
NotabletoremainundereverythingthatlookedatmefromAaron’sgazeanymoreortoprocessallthequestionsanddoubtscrammingmyhead,Istraightenedmylegswithabriskmotion,andmyhandletgoofhis.Thechairunderneathmescreechedacrossthefloor.
“Ineedtousetheladies’room,”Irushedout,snaggingmygazeoffAaron.
Then,IwalkedawayasfastasIcouldwithoutlookingback.
Ididnotturn.Notonce.
NotevenafterIheardmysistersay,“So,nowthatshe’sgone,canwetalkaboutme?Iamthebride,andI’msupposedtobethecenterofattention.I’mfeelingneglected.”
Hadmyheadnotbeenamess,Iwouldhavelaughed.Probablygonebackandtuggedatherhairforbeingapompous,self-centeredbrat,butIwastoobusyrunning.Beingacompletechickenshitagain,whichatthisrate,I’dprobablymasterbythetimetheweekendwasover.
IwentthroughthemotionsofwashingmyhandsandsplashingsomewateronmyfacewhileIthoughtaboutnothingandeverything,feelingcompletelyoverwhelmedbymyownstupidity.
ThatwasprobablywhywhenIexitedthebathroom,Ididn’trealizetherehadbeensomeoneonthewayuntilIwascollapsingagainstamalechestwithanoomph.
“Mierda,”Imutteredundermybreath,goingbackacoupleofsteps.“Losientomucho,”Iaddedrightbeforenoticingwhowasinfrontofme.“Oh,Daniel.”
Brushingafewstrandsofhairoffmyface,Iinwardlycringed.
Myexdidn’tshowanysignoffeelingasawkwardasIdid.“Areyouokay?”heaskedmeinSpanish.
NowthatitwasjustusandAaronwasn’taround,IansweredinSpanishtoo,“Yeah,I’mfine.Itwasnothing.Justalittlebump.”Clearingmythroat,Idustedoffimaginaryspecksofdirtoffmypleatedskirt.“Sorryagain.Itwasreallymyfault.Iwasalittledistracted.”
“It’sallgood,Lina.”Thatdimpleinhischeekmadeanappearance.
Istaredatit,alittlelostinthought.Andtothinkthatallthoseyearsago,itwasthatdimplethathadseteverythingintomotion.Now,Icouldn’tevenbringmyselftofeeltheslightesthintofwarmthwhenIlookedatit.
“IthinkIshouldn’thavecometonight,”Danielconfessedoutoftheblue,returningmetothepresent.
Inoddedslowly,tryingtocometotermswiththeoddsenseofsympathyIsuddenlyfelttowardhim.Hewasn’twrong.Allthroughoutdinner,hehadbeennothingbutaghost.Noonehadreallyaddressedhim—somethingIcouldunderstand,consideringourhistory—andhehadn’ttalkedonhisown.Puttingmyselfinhisshoes,Ididn’tthinkIwouldhaveacceptedcomingmyself.
“No,comingwastherightthingtodoifyoubelievedyouhadtobehere.”Iclaspedmyhandstogether,keepingthemfromfumbling.“YoudiditforGonzalo,andthat’sverybraveofyou.”
Helaughedwithbitterness.“Idon’tthinkanyoneatthattablewouldagreewithyou.ExceptmaybeGonzalo,andhewouldn’tusethewordbrave.”Hishandsslippedintothepocketsofhisslacks.
Again,hewasn’twrongaboutthateither.Myparentshadalwaysbeenpoliteevenifdistant,butjustforGonzalo’ssake.ForIsabel’ssaketoo.TheyknewhowimportantDanielwastohimandhow,withouthim,theywouldn’thaveGonzalointheirlives,andtheylovedhimtopieces.ButIstilldidn’thaveadoubtthatthey’dneverforgiveDanielforbreakingmyheartallthattimeago.ForhavingapartinwhatIhadgonethrough.
“Listen,”Danielsaidbeforereleasingabreath.“Iknowit’sprobablytoolateforthis,butIwantedtotellyouthatIamsorry.Idon’tthinkIeverdid.”
No,hehadneverapologized.
“ButInevermeantforeverythingthatwentdowntohappen.Ineverevenimagineditwasapossibility.”
Ofcoursehehadn’t,andhadn’tthatbeenpartoftheproblem?Hedraggedmealong,andwhenthingsstartedlookingugly,hefledtheship.Leavingmetheretosinkwithit.AndthathadbeenexactlywhatIdid;Ihadbeenpulledunderthesurface,andI’dhadtofightmywayup.Alone.
Hisapologywaslongoverdue—perhapsitwaseventoolate—butatleastIwasfinallygettingone.Andthatcountedforsomething.
“It’swaterunderthebridge,”Itoldhim,andImeantit.EventhoughalittlepartofmewouldalwaysrememberthathehadbeenabigplayerinsomethingthatleftascarI’dalwayscarryaround.“Don’tworryaboutwhatmydadsaid,bytheway.He’salittleemotional.”Iwavedmyhandinfrontofus,stoppingmyselfthemomentIrealizedIdidn’toweDanielasinglething.Ishouldn’thavebeentryingtomakehimfeelbetter.Iclearedmythroat.“Youknowhowweddingsbringoutthebestandworstofus.”
Iwasthelivingproofofthat,myfakeboyfriendsittingatatablewithmyfamily,finallyfacingmynewlyengagedex.
AlthoughtheproblemwithcomingbackhomeforIsabel’swedding—single,dateless—hadneverbeenaboutseeingDaniel.Itwasaboutfacingeveryoneelsewhiledoingthat.Itwastheanticipation,theidea,ofhavingeverysinglepersonwhohadseenmegrowup,fallinlove,getmyheartbroken,losealittlepartofmyselfforawhile,andthenfleetoadifferentcountry.ItwasaboutfacingamanwhohadclearlyputhislifebacktogetherwhenIhadn’t.Thatwaswhathadsetthiswholethingintomotion,exactlywhathadmademepushthepanicbutton.
Andhowstupidhadthatbeen?Howdumbhaditbeentoletsomethinglikethatdrivemetolie?TocreateandsellthemthisridiculousandwholesomeimageofmyselfthatI’dthoughtwouldmakemecompleteandhappyintheireyes?
Irealizednow,asIstoodinfrontofthecatalystofthiswholemess,thatithadbeenveryfuckingstupid.
“Ihopeyoumeanthat,Lina.Thiswholethingisbetterleftinthepastanyway.”Daniellookedatthegroundforamomentandthennoddedhishead.“Areyouhappynow?Withyourlife?Withhim?”Hetiltedhishead.“Youdon’tlookcompletelyhappy.”
Mythroatdried,myeyeswidening,asItriedtoprocesshiswords.“OfcourseIam,”Isaid,butitcameoutinabreathlessway.Pureshockswirledinmybody,mixingwithstupidfearatbeingcalledoutonmylie.“I’mhappy,Daniel,”Irepeated,thosetwoemotionsturningintosomethingelse.Somethingthattastedalotmorebitter.
“Areyousureaboutthat?”heaskedcalmly,inaconfidentandpatronizingwaythathadmerearingmyheadback.“Heseemslikeastand-upguy,thisAaron.Althoughhelooksalittle…dry.Stuffy,”Danielcontinued,andmyeyesflutteredclosedforafractionofasecond,astrongsenseofprotectivenesswashingoverme.“ButIguesshe’sgoodtoyou.HehasbeenstucktoyoursidesincethemomentImethim.”Hechuckled.“Notmystyle,thisguard-dogvibe,butIcouldunderstandtheappeal.”
MylipspartedasIfoundithardtobelievethewordsleavingmyex’smouth.
“Butareyoureallyhappy,Lina?Iknowyou,andthisisnotthecarefreeLinayouare.Youhavebeenonedgeintheshorttimeyou’vebeenhere,andI’llbehonest,Ican’thelpbutbeconcerned.”
Concerned?Iblinked.Then,Ididitagain.Andagainandagain.
HadIbeenonedge?Icouldbelievethat.Ihadcertainlyfeltthatwaymorethanonce.But…whetherwhathethoughtwastrueornotwasn’timportant.ItwasthefactthathebelievedhehadanyrighttodenysomethingIwastellinghimmyself.
Oblivioustomygrowingoutrage,Danielkeptgoing,“Itcouldbecomingbackhome.Thatmustbealotofpressureforyou.Ormaybeit’sthatIsabelisgettingmarriedandyouaren’t.”
Abreathgotstuckinmythroat.
“Ormaybeit’shim.Idon’tknow,but—”
“Stop,”Ihissed.Somethinglitupinsideofme.Likeabonfire.Icouldevenheartheflamescracklingandsizzling.Burningawaytheremainsofmypatience.“Don’tyoudaredothat,Daniel.”
Hisbrowswrinkledtogether,hisexpressiononeofconfusion.“Dowhat?”
“Dowhat?”Irepeated,myvoicegoingupanoctave.Closingmyeyes,Itriedmybesttogetbackmycomposure.“Donotpretendthatyoucareorthatyouevenknowmeanymore.Youhavenorighttojudgeordoubtmyhappiness.”Thepaceatwhichmybreathenteredandleftmylungsincreased,myangernotreceding.“So,stopthrowinginmyfacewhateveritisyouthinkyouknoworsee.Youlostthatrightalongtimeago.”
Heshookhishead,sighingloudly.“I’vealwayscaredaboutyou,Lina.AndIalwayswill.That’swhyI’mworriedaboutyou.WhyI’mtryingtohaveaconversation.”
“You’vealwayscaredaboutme?You’llalwayscare?”
“Ofcourse,”hepuffedout.“Youarelikealittlesistertome.Weareabouttobecomefamily.”
Somethingdeepinsideofmeturnedtoice.Themarrowinmybonesfreezing,rootingmetothespot.
“I’mlikealittlesistertoyounow?”Hisstatementtastedlikesomethingtartinmymouth.“You’vegottobefuckingkiddingme,Daniel.”
Hisexpressionassembledintoonethatwasmeanttoimpose.Toconveyauthority.IhadbeenwellacquaintedwiththatfacewhenIusedtositacrossfromhiminhisclassroom.“Don’tbelikethat,Lina.”
“Likewhat?”
Hetsked,bathingmeincondensation.“Don’tbeachild.Wearebothadultsnow.Youcantalkandactlikeone.”
Now.Hehadsaidnow.Opposedtowhat?Towhenwehaddated?
“HadIbeenachildwhenweweretogether,Daniel?Whenyoudatedme?Mademefeelspecial?Toldmeyoulovedme?”Iwatchedhisjawpressintoatightline.“IsthatallthatIwastoyouwhenyoudroppedmelikeahotpotatoafteryousomuchassniffedalittletroublecomingyourway?Iguessthatwouldexplaineverything.WhyI’monlygettinganapologynowthatyoudeemmeworthyofone,havingfinallyturnedintoanadult.”
Itookastepback,hearingmyheartdrumminginmyearsasIwatchedhimremainverystill.
“Youknowwhat?I’moverthis.”Shakingmyhead,Ilaughedbitterly.“Idon’toweyouasinglething.Andyoudon’towemeanythingeither.Younevercaredaboutme,Daniel.Notenoughatleast.Otherwise,youwouldn’thaveletthemeatmealive.”Iswallowed,pushingallthosememoriesawayasmuchastheybangedandscreamed,demandingtobeletout.“Ireallywishyouhadn’tsaidallthis.Ireallydo.BecausetheselastfewminuteshavewipedoutthelittlerespectIhadforyou.”
Watchinghimashestoodinfrontofme,barelymoving,Itookanotherstepback.
Hismouthfellopen,butnowordscameoutbesides,“Lina.”
“It’sokay,”Itoldhim.“Idon’texpectanythingfromyou.AsItoldyou,it’swaterunderthebridgenow.”
Hislipssnappedclosed,hisshouldersfallinginwhatIhopedwasacceptance.
“ButIcantellyouthismuch:Iamhappy.”
AndIwas.Confusedtoo,ifIwasbeinghonest.Yes,myheartwasmixedupanddisoriented.Terrifiedontopofallthat.Buttherewasaforcethatseemedtoteartheshelloffearthatcoveredthatpoorandbeat-uporgan,seepingthroughthecracksandwantingtoobliterateallthosedoubtsifIletit.Promisingsafetyandcomfort.
Butthatwasn’taconversationIowedtoDaniel.Ididtosomeoneelse.
SomeoneIneededtomakemywaybackto.
Iwasabouttoturninmyheelsanddoexactlythatwhensomeonewhoalwaysmanagedtoputasmileonmyfaceturnedaroundthecorner.
“Whathaveyoubeendoinghereforsolong,cari?o?”AbuelaaskedinSpanish,lookingoveratDaniel.“Oh,Iseenow.”Sheshothimasidewaysglanceandignoredhimaltogether.Whenshelookedbackatme,herlipsweretuggingup,mischiefwrittenalloverherface.“Thatboyfriendofyoursissittingonthattable,lookinglikeanabandonedpuppy.”Shelinkedherarmwithmine,andIfeltalittlelighteralready.“Heorderedyoudessert,youknow?Andhekeepsstaringatwhereyouleft,likeheisholdinghimselffromcomingtogetyou.”
Mybellyflopped,aflutteringsensationtakingover.“Heis?”
Abuelapattedmyarm.“Ofcourseheis,boba.”Sheclickedhertongue,pullingusbacktotherestaurant.“Hedidn’tevenaskfortwospoons,soheknowsthatgettingyoutoshareisfruitless.”Shesnickered,andItriedtoignorehowtheflutterwasnowspreadingtomychest.
“He…he’sprettyperfect,”Imurmured,surprisingmyself.
“Yes,”shesaidwithoutthinkingmuchaboutit.“That’swhyyoushouldn’tleavehimsittingaloneforsolong.He’stoobeautifulforhisowngood.”
Hewas—formyowngoodtoo.
“Youthinkhewillsavemeadancetomorrow?”
“Ithinkhewill.”Ididn’thaveadoubtinmymindhewould.“Onlyifyouasknicely,Abuela.”
Shegiggled,andIknewwithoutadoubtthatI’dprobablyhavetofightmyowngrandmotherovermyfakeboyfriend’sattention.
Then,thewomanwhohadsnuckchocolateafterbedtimemorethanamilliontimesguidedusbacktowheretherestofthefamilywas,chattinganimatedly.
Rightbeforereachingthetable,sheloweredhervoice.“Theydidn’tmakemenlikethatbackinmyday.Abuelowashandsomebutnotlikethat.Althoughitwasn’thislooksthatwonmeover.”Shewinked.“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Abuela!”Iloud-whispered.
Shepattedmyarm.“Don’tplaycoyaroundme.I’mold.Iknowbetter.Now,go.”
Apairofblueeyesimmediatelyfoundmine.TheybouncedtoAbuelaandthensomewherebehindme.Lookingaround,InoticedDanielwasafewstepsbehindus.
Afterpartingwayswithmygrandmother,IletmygazefallbackonmyfakedateasImademywaytohim.IcouldseetheuneaseedgedinAaron’shandsomeface.Hisjawwasclenched,andhisforeheadwasbunched.Whenhisgazemetmineoncemore,hiseyesheldquestionsandthatprotectivenessIhadfeltafewminutesagowhenDanielhadmentionedhisname.Itwasclearasacloudlesssummerday.
Aaronwasworried.Hewasholdinghimselfbackfrommeetingmehalfwayandaskingmewhatthehellhadhappened.Hecared.Hecaredaboutme.Andhe’dshieldme,holdme,orjuststandbymysideifIsomuchasopenedmymouthtoask.Iknew.Hell,hewouldevenifIdidn’task.
Honest,genuineconcern.ContrarytowhateverDanielhadclaimed.
Lettingmyselffalldelicatelyonmychair,Itookamomenttoplasteracalmsmileonmyface.Aneutralexpression.Butmylipsprobablycurledthewrongway,myfeaturesdisplayingeverythingstillchurninginsideofmeaftermyexchangewithDanielbecausewhenIturnedandfacedAaron,hiseyesflaredmoreintensely.
Iwilledmylipstoinchhigher,andamuscleinhisjawtwitched.
Mysisterstartedchatteringaboutsomething—whatexactly,Icouldn’ttell.Myheadwassomewhereelse.
MyhandswereinmylapwhenIfeltAaron’spalmfallagainstthem.Forthesecondtimetonight,heinterlacedourhands.Ourfingersweavedtogether,eachandeveryoneofthem.Butthistime,hekeptourlinkedhandsrightwheretheywere—onthetopofmythigh.Asifhewastryingtotellme,thisway—withthembelowthetable,hiddenfromeveryoneelse—meantthatthiswasjustforus.Notapartofthecharade.
Hesqueezedmyhandwithpurpose,hisfingerstighteningaroundmine,hispalmwarmagainstmyskin.Justforus,itseemedtoreassureme.Topromiseme.
Andlikethebiggestdummyintheuniverse,Ifoundthegreatestcomfortinthosefivelongfingers.Inthatwarmpalm.So,Ibroughtourjoinedhandsclosertomybelly,andIsqueezedrightback.
***
Therewassomethinglodgedrightinbetweenmyribsthatfeltalotlikeatickingbomb.
“Icanhearthegearsinyourheadspinning,”Aaronsaidashecrossedtheroominthatpairofpajamapants,whichwasdoingmadthingstomybellyagain.SamewentfortheT-shirt.Hewaswearingtheonehehadsleptinyesterday.
Atleasthewaswearingone.Ididn’tthinkIcouldtakeshirtlessAaronrightnow.
“I’mokay,”Ilied,myheadthrobbingwitheveryreplayofmyconversationwithDaniel.Ithadbeenonaloopsincewelefttherestaurant.“JustgoingthrougheverythingIneedtogetdonebeforethebigdaytomorrow.”
WhichwaswhatIshouldhavebeenbusydoing.
Cladinmysleepingclothestoo,Ialignedthetwopairsofheels—theonesI’dwearandthebackup—onthefloor.Rightagainstthewall.Meticulouslyleavingthesamespacebetweenthem.
Isteppedback,admiringmywork.Nope
Unconvinced,Ikneltandrearrangedthem.
WhenIhadsomethinginmymind,Ididoneoftwothings.Icompulsivelyateororganized.Andconsideringwehadjusthaddinnerandseeingthepileofneatlystackedclothesandperfectlyinlineitemsdisplayedontopofthedresser,itseemedthatthisonetime,itwasthelatter.
Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsensedAaronploppinghimselfonthebedwithaneaseandfinessenoonehissizeshouldhave.
“There’ssmokecomingoutofyourears.”Herestedhisbackontheheadboard,andthewoodcomplainedunderhisweight.
Ireachedfortheshoesagain,movingthemaninchtotheright.“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaidinaclippedtone.Then,Imovedthetwopairshalfaninchtotheleft.“Forthat,Iwouldneedtobeoverthinkingsomething.AndI’mnotdoingthat.”
“Oh,butyouare,”hesaidfromhispositiononthebed.“Talktome.”
Ididn’tbotheransweringhim.Hearinghissigh,Ikeptmyfocusonmytask.
Maybeiftheyfacethewall—
“Catalina,”Aaroncalled.
Andthewayhehadsaiditmademeturnaroundandfacehim.
“Comehere.”Hepattedthebedwithhishand.
Browsbunched,Isenthimalook.
“Sitwithmeforalittlewhile,andthenyoucangobacktotorturingthoseshoesintoperfection,”hetoldmewithasigh.“Justforafewminutes.”Then,heplacedhispalmonthecomforteragain.WhenIdidn’tsayanythingormove,headdedverysoftly,likeitwouldbreakhisheartifIdidn’tgivehimthisonething,“Please.”
Thatplease,thatfreakingpleaseandthewayhehadsaidit,launchedmylegsforward.
BeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing,myasswasonthebed,rightbesidehiship.Iknewwhathewantedtotalkabout.Thatcocktailofemotionsandmemoriesandquestionsthathadslowlybeenassemblinginmyhead.TheoneIhadbroughtbacktotheapartment,andthatIknewifIsomuchasopenedmymouth,itwouldburstandspillrightoutofme.ButthatmeantcompletelyconfidinginAaron.TellinghimaboutapartofmypastthatIdidn’tfindanyjoyinrevisiting.Givinghimakeythatwouldhelphimunderstand—know—mebetter.AnddidIwanttodothat?CouldIdoitwithoutwantingtotuckmyheadinhischestandlookforcomfortinhim?
“Idon’twanttoboreyouwiththemelodramaticsofmylife,Aaron,”Isighed,andImeantit.WhatIdidn’ttellhimwasthatbeneathallthat,therewasonlyfear.“Youdon’tneedtoworry—”
Inonesmoothmotion,Aaronpickedmeupandplacedmebetweenhisopenlegs.Anothersighleftmypartedlips,butthisonehadnothingtodowithexhaustionorwhateverwasbrewinginmyhead.
“Anythingthatbothersyoumatterstome,andIwanttohearaboutit,”hesaidfromhispositionbehindme.“Nothingaboutyouisboringordoesn’tinterestme—ever.Understand?”
Ifeltmyselfnodandperhapsmutteraquiet,“Yes,”too.Myheartdrummedtooloudlyinmyearstoknow.
Aaroncontinued,“Ifyouwanttotalkaboutwhateverhappened,thenwe’lldothat.”Hishandsfellonmyshoulderswithatendernessthatdisarmedme.Then,hebrushedmyhairtotheside,andhisfingerstraveledtothebackofmyneck.“Andifyoudon’t,thenwe’lltalkaboutsomethingelse.ButIwantyoutorelax.Justforafewminutes.”
Hepaused,andhisthumbsstartedmassagingalongthelineofmyspine.Ihadtoholdbackfromwhimperinglikeastrickenanimal.OnlyIwasn’tinpain
“Soundlikeaplan?”
“Yes,”Ianswered,incapableofnotmeltingintohistouch.
Therewasabeatofsilence,andAaron’sfingerstrailedupthebackofmyneck,gentlykneadingthemusclesthere.Anothersoundroseinmythroat,almostleavingmylips.ButIhelditin.
“WhatyourdadsaidduringdinnermademethinkofsomethingmymomusedtotellmewhenIwasalittlekid.”Aaron’sfingertipskeptworkingmyskin,easingmorethanthetensioninmyshoulders.TurningmeintosoftenedbutterasIlistenedtohisdeepvoicetakingmeoutofmyhead.Trustingmewithyetanotherpieceofhimself.“Backthen,Ididn’treallyunderstandorcareaboutit.Ididn’tuntilIwasolderandshewasdiagnosedandthepossibilityofherleavingusbecamereal.ButsheusedtotellmehowthemomentIwasborn,sheknewshehadfoundherlightinthedark.Thatonelighthousethat,nomatterwhat,wasalwaysup.Lightingupthenightandsignalingherwayhome.Andasakid,Ithoughtthatwaseithercornyorverydramatic.”Alowandhumorlesschucklelefthim.
Myheartbrokealloveragainforhim,hurtingandbeggingmetoturnaroundandgivehimanycomfortIcould.ButIstayedput.“Youmustmisshersomuch.”
“Ido,everyday.Whenshepassedandmynightsgotalittledarker,Istartedtounderstandwhatshe’dmeant.”
ThatwasalossIhopedIwouldn’texperienceinalongtime.
“Butwhatyourdadsaid—aboutyouhavingthisfireinside,thatlightnessandlife,andhowitdulledforaperiodoftime…”Hepaused,andIsworeIheardhimswallow.“Itjust…”Hetrailedoff,asifhewasscaredofhisnextwords.AndAaronneverfearedspeakinghismind.Aaronwasneverscared.“Youareallthat,Catalina.Youarelight.Andpassion.Yourlaughteralonecanliftmymoodandeffortlesslyturnmydayaroundinamatterofseconds.Evenwhenit’snotaimedatme.You…canlightupentirerooms,Catalina.Youholdthatkindofpower.Andit’sbecauseofallthedifferentthingsthatmakeyouwhoyouare.Eachandeveryoneofthem,eventheonesthatdrivemecrazyinwaysyoucan’timagine.Youshouldneverforgetthat.”
Myheartskippedabeat.Thenanotherone.Andthenonemore.UntilnoairwasgettinginoroutandIcouldtellmyhearthadstoppedbeatingcompletely.Forthelongestofmoments,Iremainedsuspendedintime,thinkingI’dneverbouncebackfromthisbecausemyheartwasnotfunctioninganymore,buthey,ifthosewerethepartingwordsIhadtoleavethisearthwith,thenI’dbehappy.
Andwhenmyheartresumed,Iwasn’trelieved.Isimplycouldn’tbewhenitstartedthrashingagainstthecavityofmychestwithawildnessIhadneverexperienced.
Somepeopleclaimedthatthemostbeautifulthinganyonehadeverdoneforthemwaswritingthemapoem,composingasong,orconfessingtheirundyingloveinanepicgesture.Butrightthen,asIwascocoonedinAaron’slonglegs,hisfingersdelicatelymassagingmynecksimplybecauseI’dlookedtense,IrealizedIdidn’tneedorwantanyofthat.IfInevergotmyepicdeclaration,I’dbefine.Becausehiswordswere,withoutadoubtinmymind,themostbeautifulthingIwouldeverhearsaidaboutme.Tome.Andforme.
Mybodywantedtoturn,screamedatmyheadtoallowit.ButIknewthatifIdid,whateverhesawonmyfacewouldchangeeverything.Everysinglefuckingthingbetweenus
I’d…dammit.Thisman.Hekeptshowingmehowperfecthewas.Keptunveilingallthesebeautifulpartsofhimthatmademegiddyanddizzyandhungryformore.
ButIstillfeltlikeIwasstandingontheedgeofacliff,lookingdownatanoceanthatwhirledinthesamedeepbluethatcoloredhiseyes.WouldIdaretojump?
“IfellinlovewithDanielinmysecondyearincollege,”Isaidwithoutturning.Notdaringtofree-fall.Notcompletely.“Iwasnineteen.HewasmyPhysicsprofessor.Hewasyoungerthananyothermemberofthefaculty,sohestoodout.Waspopularamongthebodyofstudents—thefemalesectionofitparticularly.Atfirst,itwasadumbcrush.I’danticipatehislectures.I’dmaybeputalittleextracareintowhatIworeandsitinthefirstrow.ButIwasn’ttheonlyone.Prettymucheveryothergirl—andafewoftheguys—hadbeencharmedbythedimpleinhischeekandtheconfidencewithwhichhestrolledacrosstheroom.Evenwhenhiscoursewasoneofthehardestwe’deverhadtostudyfor.”
Aaroncontinuedworkingthetensionoutofthemusclesthatcordedalongmyneckandshoulders.Heremainedquiet,anditfeltalmostasif—exceptforhisfingers—hehadgrownstilltoo.
So,Icontinued,“ImaginemysurprisewhenIstartednoticingthathisgazewouldrestonmeforamoment,justalittlelongerthanonanybodyelse.Orthathisdimplewouldcomeoutalittlemoreoftenwhenitwasmehewaswatching.”MyeyesclosedasAaron’shandsdriftedlower,travelingdownmyspine.
“Throughoutthatyear,itallbuiltuptoapointwherewewouldsneakafewinnocenttouchesinbetweenclassesorduringtutoringsessions.Itwasso…exciting.Exhilaratingalmost.Hemademefeelspecial,likeIwasn’tonemoreofthestudentspiningforhim.”Iheardmyvoicedriftinglower,lostinthememory,soItriedtobringmytonebackup.
“Anyway,wedidn’tstartdatinguntilthemomentIwasthroughwiththetwosemestershiscourselasted.Officially,publiclydating.Notoncampusoranythinglikethat,butwe’dgooutlikeanyothercouple.HeintroducedGonzaloandIsabel,andtheyfelldesperatelyinloveinthespanofaheatedlook.”
ArealsmiletuggedmylipsupatthethoughtofthemomentIsabelandGonzalohadlockedeyes;ithadseemedasiftheyhadbeenwaitingforthattohappen.Asiftheyhadunknowinglybeenwaitingfortheother.
Aaron’slegsshifted,cocooningmefurtherintohislap.Orperhapsitwasmewhokeptbendingintohim.Ididn’tknow,butIwouldn’tcomplainormoveaway.
“AndIwasinlovetoo.AfteroneyearofdaydreamingaboutsomethingIcouldn’thave,hopingforit,Iwasblindedbythejoyatfinallybeingabletohavehim.Tocallhimmine.”
Hisfingersstoppedbriefly,asiftheyhesitatedtheirnextmove.Then,theyresumedandcontinuedkneadingatmyshoulders.
“Itlastedafewmonths.Then,Iheardthefirstwhisper,thefirstuglyandpoisonousrumorthatblackenedallthathappiness.Andafterthatone,manymorefollowed.Whispersturnedintoloudgossip,whichtraveledalongthecorridorsoncampus.TherewereFacebookposts,too,andthreadsonTwitteraswell.Neverdirectedatme,butaboutme.Atleastinthebeginning.”Ibroughtmykneestomychestandhuggedthem.“Thewhorewhosleptaroundwithherprofessors,theysaid.Ofcourseshe’sthefirstofherpromotion.That’showsheacedPhysicswhenmorethanhalfthestudentsfellthrough.Shefuckedhim,andshe’llfuckherwaythroughcollege.”
IheardAaron’sexhale.Feltitonthebackofmyneck.Hisfingerstensingandhaltingverybriefly.
“Itwasallsohurtful.”Myvoicesoundeddifferent—voidandbitter.AnditremindedmeofaLinaIdidn’twanttoremember.Oreverbeagain.“ThethingsthatweresaidaboutmequicklyturnedintopointedfingersandintodisgustingphotosthatsomeonehadPhotoshoppedwithmyface.Into…reallyuglystuff.”
Aaron’stouchturnedintojustbrushesofhisskinagainstmine,soothingme,movingmeforward,tellingme,I’mhere.Igotyou
“Itwasallturnedintothisdespicabletale,whereIwasthecunning,dirtywomanwhoseducedprofessorsforgrades.AllthehardworkandthelongnightsIhadstudiedwerebroughtdownsimplybecause…Idon’tknow.Tothisday,Idon’tknowthereasonorthemotivation.Jealousy?Alaugh?ButIknowthatifIhadbeenoneofmymaleclassmatesandDanielhadbeenafemaleprofessor,perhapsIwouldn’thavegonethroughthat.Itwouldhavebeentheprofessor.Shewouldhavebeenaccusedofbeingacougar,andthestudentwouldhavegottenafewhighfives.Instead,Iwasalmostharassedintodroppingout.Ididn’twanttoattendanylectures.Ididn’twanttoleavethehouse.IwasstilllivingwithmyparentsbecauseIcoulddrivetocampusfromtheirhouse,andIdidn’tevenwanttotalktothem.Ideletedmyprofilesonallofthesocialmediasites.Iclosedmyselfofffromeverysinglepersoninmylife,evenmysisterandeventhosefewwhohadremainedmyfriends.”IfocusedonthesoothingcirclesAaronwasdrawingonmyskin,groundingandrootingmetohimandtothepresent.“Itwasalltoomuch.Ijustfelt…ashamed.Worthless.IfeltlikeeverythingIhaddonewasworthnothing.Consequently,whenmygradesandperformancesank,myaveragewentdownthedrain.AndIdidn’tevencare.”
AbeatofsilencethatseemedtostretchtoolongmademerealizeAaronhadn’tspokenaword.Iknewhewouldn’tjudgeme,butIwonderedwhathethought.Ifthewayhesawmehadnowchanged.
“Whatdidhedo?”hefinallysaid.Hisvoicesoundedrocky,rough.“WhatdidDanieldoabouteverythingthatwasbeingdonetoyou?”
“Well,thingsstartedlookingalittlebadforhim.Therewasnorulethatstoppedhimfromdatingaformerstudent.Buteverythingthatwasgoingdowngottobetoomuchforhim.”
“Forhim?”herepeated,anewedgetohisvoice.
“Yeah.Andso,hebrokethingsoff,toldmeitwastoocomplicatedandrelationshipsshouldn’tbethathardormessy.”
Aaron’sfingershalted,notmovinganylonger.Simplyhoveringabovemyskin.
“Hethoughtthatweweren’tsupposedtomakeeachothertripandfallandthatthemomentwedid,thenitdidn’tmakesensetobetogether.AndI…Ithinkhewasright.Iguesshewas.”
Aarondidn’tsayanything.Notawordlefthislips,butIcouldtelltherewassomethingwrongwithhim.Icouldfeelitinthewayhisbreathhadquickened,deepened.Andthewayhishandsremainedfrozenabovemyshoulders.
“IoftenwonderhowImanagedtograduate,butIdid.Atsomepointafterthebreakup,Iwokeup.Showeduptotheexamsandpassed.Then,Isomehowputtogetheranapplicationforaninternationalmaster’sprogramandleftfortheUS.”
Aaron’spalmsresumed.Verygently,butIfeltthemmovealongmyshoulders.Nothinglikebefore,butatleasthewastouchingmeagain.AndIneededthat,morethanIcaredtoadmit.
“Iwasn’tescapinghim,youknow?EverybodythoughtIwas,butIwasn’t.Danielhadbruisedmyheart,butIwasn’trunningawayfromthat.Itwaseverythingelse.Everybodylookedatmedifferently.LikeIhadchangedorsomethinghadchangedinthewaytheysawme.AsifIwerethisbrokenthingnow.DroppedbyDaniel,harassed,madefunof.Everybodywhispered,Oh,poorthing.Howisshegoingtobouncebackfromthis?Theytreatedmeasdamagedgoods.Theystilldo.EverytimeIcamebackhomealone,theylookatmewithpity.EverytimeIsaidI’mstillsingle,theynodandsmilesadly.”Shakingmyhead,Ireleasedalltheairinmylungs.“Ihateit,Aaron.”IcouldheartheemotioninmyvoicechokingmywordsbecauseIdidhateit.“That’swhyIcamebackaslittleasIdid.”
ButthenIalsohatedhowmuchIfearedthatapartofitwasperhapstrue.Whyhadn’tIbeenabletotrustanybodywithmyheartotherwise?
“Everythingthathadhappenedhurtme,leftascar,butitdidn’tbreakme.”Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat,wantingtobelievemyownwords.“Itdidn’t.”
Asound,deepandhuskyandpained,camefrombehindme.BeforeIknewwhatwashappening,Aaron’sarmscamearoundmyshoulders,andIwasengulfedbyhim.Wrappedintohischest.Warmandhardandsafeand…alotlessalone.AlotmorecompletethanIhadbeensecondsbefore.
Aaronburiedhisheadinthenookofmyneckfrombehind,andIfelttheurgetocomforthim.So,Idid.
“I’mnotbroken,Aaron,”Itoldhiminawhisper,althoughperhapsitwasformyownreassurance.“Ican’tbe.”
“Youarenot,”hesaidonmyskin.Tighteninghisholdonme.Bringingmecloser.“AndIknowthatevenifsomethingdidbreakyou—becausethat’slifeandnooneisinvincible—you’dstillputthepiecesbacktogetherandremainthebrightestthingI’deverseen.”
Myhandswentaroundthatpairofarmswrappedaroundmyshoulders,whichpulledmeintohischest,asifhewerescaredI’dgoupinsmokeifhedidn’t.AndIhungontohimequallydesperately.Asifmynextbreathdependedonit.
Weremainedthatwayforalongwhile.Andslowly,veryslowly,ourbodiesrelaxedintoeachother.Theymeltedtogether.IfocusedonAaron’sbreath,ontheearnestnessofthemoment,onhisheartbeatagainstmyback,hisstrength.Onallthethingsthathe’dkepthandingtomesofreely,liketheywerenothing.LikehewassupposedtogivethemawayandIwasentitledtotakethemfromhim.
Neitherofussaidanythingastimestretched,ourholdsgraduallylooseningaswelostthebattletosleep.
Myeyelidseventuallyflutteredshut,butrightbeforedarknessengulfedme,IthoughtIheardAaronwhisper,“Youfeelcompleteinmyarms.Youfeellikemyhome.”ChapterTwenty-Two
WhatanidiotIhadbeen.
Abig,dumb,foolishidiot.
Earlierthatmorning,whenmyalarmhadgoneoffalittleafterdawnandIhadslippedoutofAaron’swarmembracequietly—butnotpanic-ridden—Ihadimmediatelyregrettedagreeingtomeetmysisterhoursbeforethewedding.So,onceIgoteverythingpackedandwasreadytogo,rightbeforesneakingoutthedoorwithoutwakinghimup—eventhoughIhadlearnedbythenthathe,too,sleptlikethedead—Ileanedverysilentlyandbrushedasoftkissagainsthisjaw.BecauseIdidn’twanttogo,notreally,andIwasaweak,weakwomanwhenitcametohim.
Justincase,IleftAaronanote,tellinghimthatI’dseehiminafewhoursbecauseI’dbegettingreadywithIsabel.Charowouldbedrivinghimtotheweddingvenue.
Bestronganddon’tsuccumb,Iwrotedown.
Then,Isigneditwith,Withlove,Lina
Mychoiceofwordshadmyheartskippingabeat,butIpromisedmyselfitwasn’tabigdealandleftitthere.
Notmorethananhourafterleavingtheapartment,Istartedtomisshim—likeproperlybroodingandsighingandwonderingwhathewasdoing—soItextedhim.
Lina:Didyougetmynote?
Towhich,herepliednomorethanacoupleofminuteslater.
Aaron:Yes,I’mhidinginthebathroom.Charowastryingtosneakaphotoofmewithherphone.Martínsarerelentlesscreatures.
Thathadmesnortingsohardthatthemakeupartistendedupbrushingeyeshadowallacrossmyforehead.Shetriedtoplayitcool,butIcouldtellshewaspissed.
ButnoneofthatwasthereasonwhyIwasprettysureIwasabig,dumb,foolishidiot.
Somehow,somewherebetweenslippingintomyvelvetyfawnheelsandthegraceful,airyburgundygownIwaswearing,myheadhadstartedspinningquestions.Importantones.WillIbeabletofindAaroninthecrowd?Andalso:Willhebeokay?Willhegettothevenueandfindhisseat?Andthestaroftheshow:MaybeIwon’tseehimuntilaftertheceremony.WhatifIcan’tfindhim?
So,whenIcametomyplacetotherightofthebride,onaglorioussummerday,surroundedbyarrangementsofpeoniesinallshadesofbabypinkandpearlywhite,infrontofthepeoplewhohadseenusgrowandturnintothewomenweweretoday,myheadturned.
Mygazeeffortlesslyzeroedinonapairofocean-blueeyes.
Andallthosequestionsimmediatelydiedout.
Whatabig,dumb,foolishidiotIhadbeentoevenquestionthatmyeyeswouldn’tbedrawntoAaronBlackfordinamatterofseconds.Howintheworldcouldtheynot?
Hewasdazzling,standingunderthesuninanavy-bluesuit.Andwhenhesmiled,thatwideandfurtivegrinthatIwasbeginningtothinkwasonlyforme,IsworehecouldhaveblindedmeifIhadn’tblinked.Thatsmile—Aaron’ssmile,hishandsomeface,himcompletelyandentirely—mademykneesweakandmychesttight.
Thatwasexactlywhy,oncetheceremonyendedandGonzalomadeashowoutofeatingIsabel’sfacerightthenandthereforeverybodyattendingtosee,Iturnedaroundonshakylegs.Thecrowdproceededtothrowriceandconfettiasthebrideandgroommadetheirwaydowntheaisle,andbythetimetheywerejumpinginsideayellowVolkswagenBeetletodrivetowherethey’dhaveapre-dinnerphotoshoot,everybodystartedshufflingtotherestaurantarea.Aquietsilencewasleftbehind,exceptforthesoundofmyheart,whichwastryingtostumblerightoutofmythroat.
Aaronwaitedbytheexit,standingwithhishandsinthepocketsofhisnavypantsandhisjacketpartlyopened.Rightwheretherowsofcreamychairsended.Afewtinypiecesofconfettistuckinhishair.
HisgazestayedonmeasIwalkeddownthataisle,mylegsfeelinglikeIwaswalkingonsand.Heavyandclumsy.
OnlywhenIreachedhimdidhetakeasteptowardme;itwasfastandrushed,asifhehadbeenstoppinghimselffromrunningtomeandcouldn’tholditinanylonger.
Iwatchedhisthroatwork,hiseyesswipingupanddownandupagain,eatingupwhatwasinfrontofthem.
“Youlooklikeadream.”
Whatasillythingtotellmewhenitwashim,theonewhocouldn’tbereal.TheoneIcouldn’tbelievewashere,makingmychestfullwiththingsIdidn’tunderstand.
Ishookmyhead,tryingtopullmyselftogetherenoughtoanswer.“Youlookamazing,Aaron.”
Hisgazesearchedmyfaceforabriefmoment,andwhateverhefoundmadehimsmile.Again,thatgrin.Onlyforme.WhataluckybitchIwas.
Aaronofferedhisarm,andIstrugglednottolaunchmyselfathimrightthenandthere.“MayIhavethehonor?”heaskedslowly.
Adeepbellylaughleftmylips.Slowly,Itookit.“Now,youarejustpushingit.”
Hispalmfellontopoftheonethatwasrestingonthecrookofhisarm.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Onlyromanceheroessaystufflikethat.AndwearetalkingabouttheonesinaJaneAustennovel.Notevenyourrun-of-the-millromanceherowouldbutterupawomanthatmuch,”Iexplainedaswemovedforward,inthedirectionoftheadjoiningrestaurant,whereeverybodyelsewas,probablyaglassofwine—ortwo—alreadyinhand.
“Inmybook,havingthemostbeautifulwomanonmyarmclassifiesasanhonor.”
Ihopedthefoundationthemakeupartisthadhadtoapplyforasecondtimecoveredthewaymycheeksflushed.“Ifthebridesomuchasgetswindofwhatyouaresaying,you’llbeinsomuchtrouble.”Iheardhischuckle,buthedidn’tretracthiswords.“She’llkickyououtofthewedding,andIwillnotbeabletohelpyou.Youaretootallandbigtosneakin,unnoticed.”Andtoodamnhandsometoo,butIkeptthatparttomyself.
Aaronchuckledagain,thenoisetravelingdownmyspineandleavingatrailofshivers.Iwasfindingitreallyhardtoignorehowgoodhisarmfeltundermyfingersorhowrightbeingtuckedinhissidewas.
Itwasonlywhenwewereafewfeetawayfromtheopenarea,wherealltheinviteesweregathered,thatAaronspoke,“Itwouldbeworthit,youknow.”
Myheadturned,takinginhisprofileashekepthisgazeupfront.
“Forseeingyouinthatdressandhavingyouenteranyplaceonmyarm,I’dendureprettymuchanything.”
Mylipsparted,andhadAaronnotbeenprovidinghissupport,Iwouldhavetumbleddowntothefloor,rolledtherestoftheway,andprobablystoppedonlywhenmybackcameagainstachairoratable.
“Evenyoursister’srage.”
Then,aflashwentoffrightinourfaces,snappingmeoutofmytrance.
Blinkingawaythebrightwhitespots,Igotaglimpseofacamera.
“Maravilloso!”ahigh-pitchedvoiceIwaswellacquaintedwithscreeched.“Whatabeautifulcoupleyoutwomake.”
Mymouthsnappedshutandthenopenedagain.Nothavingmysightbackcompletely,Ikeptblinkinguntilabrightredmanestartedcomingintofocus.Charo
“Oh,yourbabiesaregoingtobethecutestthingsever.”
IcursedundermybreathandsmiledtightlywhileAaronseemedsurprisinglyunconcerned.Thedumbestmentalimagetookmebysurprise.OneofAaronholdingachubby,blue-eyedbabyinhislargearms.
Steppingoutofmycousin’strajectoryandveeringforthewine,Itriedtorecomposemyself.
“Andsoitbegins,”Imutteredundermybreath.ThedayIhadfearedanddreadedformonths.
Only,inthatprecisemoment,withAaron’sarmundermyfingersandhissmileaimedatme,IcametorealizethatwhatfrightenedmewasnothingIhadevercometoexpect.
***
IfI’dknownthatmysisterhadhiredakisscamfortheweddingreception,Iwouldhaveclaimedtobesickandhiddeninthebathroom.Ironically,Iwouldn’thavehadtolieallthatmuch.Mydinnerkeptclimbingupmythroateverysingletimethetuneannouncingthestartofthemostpainfulthirtysecondsofmylifereachedmyears.Duringthattimethatstretchedintoahellisheternity,thecamerascannedthecrowdseatedontheroundtablesscatteredacrossthelushgreengardenoftherestaurantbeforecomingtoastoponacoupleanddisplayingtheirimage—framedbyaheart—onaconvenientlyinstalledprojector.
Everysingletimethecamerasomuchaspassedovermyfakedateandme,myheartceasedbeatingbeforeresumingatbreakneckspeed.
Apparently,thepossibilityofhavingmyfirstkisswithAarondisplayedonabigscreeninfrontofmywholefamilywasgoingtogivemeaheartattack.
Andjustasifmythoughtshadsomehowconjuredit,thetritonetuneannouncedthestartofanewroundof:WillLinadieofnervesandanticipationtonight?Orwillshelosehershitandcommitcameramurder?
“Oh,whatafunideathiswas,Isabel!”mymomholleredwithexcitementfromacrossthetable.
Mysisterseemedtoprideherselfevenmore,ifthatwaspossible.“Iknow.”Shesmiledgiddily.“They’llevenputallthefilmtogether,editit,andsendmeamontagewithallthekisses,”sheexplainedovertherelentlesstuneofdoom.
Oneeyeontheprojectorscreen,Iwatchedthecamerahoveronatablecloseby.
“Ihadtobookanextrapackageforthat,butit’stotallyworthit.”
Thecameraswipedoverourtable,displayingAaron’sandmyfacesonthescreen.
Myfaceblanched.Myhandsomehowjerked,droppingafork.Idippedafterit,toobriskly,andalmostknockedoveraglass.Cursingundermybreath,Ipickeduptheforkfromunderthetable,resurfacingjustintimetoseethecameramovingalong.
Close.Thatwassoclose
Reachingformywine,Iactuallyconsideredsneakingoutandputtinganendtothis.Butthatwouldberunning.Beingacoward.Again.SomethingI’dkeptdoingalotoflately.
Ifthecamerastopsonyou,youwillkissAaron,ItoldmyselfasIdownedtherestofmywine.Apeckonthelips.Itdoesn’tneedtobeamoviekissJustakiss.
Butmypeptalkdidn’thelp.Itonlymademychesttighterandmybellyflutter.
PeekingatthemanthatI’dprobablyhavetokissinahandfulofseconds,Iwassurprisedtoseeamuscleinhisjawjumping.Studyinghimmoreclosely,IrealizedAaronlooked…likeNewYorkAaronagain.NotliketherelaxedandplayfulversionIhadsharedthesepastdayswith.Hisgazewassetonthescreen,andwhilehisfacegavenothingaway—atleastnottothosewhohadn’tmasteredtheartofreadingAaronlikeIhad—therewassomethingabouthimthattoldmehewasn’tasfineashelooked.
Oncemore,thecameraglidedoverus,puttingourfacesonthescreenforatensesecond,andmovedon.
Myheartresumed.
BeforeIcouldfeelanykindofrelief,itcamerightback,asifitwereperformingadanceespeciallychoreographedforme,teasingmyheartbeatuntilsendingitintocardiacarrest.Littledropletsofsweatformedonthenapeofmyneck.Aaronremainedquietbymyside,steadfast,hiseyesdrilledintothescreen.Somuchthatconcernstartedseepingin.
“Whoo!”thecrowdhootedasthecameracruisedacrossourtableagain,thespeeddecreasinggradually.
LookingatAaron,itwashardtonoticemuchelsebesideshim.Iwasbarelyawareofhowtheintegrantsofourtablehadcomealive,clappingandwhistlingtothetuneofthegoddamnkisscam.MyeyeszeroedonAaron’slips,pressedinaflatline.Anxietyandanticipation—yes,powerfulandsilkyanticipation—builtinthepitofmybelly.Mygazetookinhiswholebody,stoicallysittingbymyside.Amidthechaosaroundus,Istillmanagedtocatchthemovementofhisknee.Itwasbouncing.Themotionbarelylastedmorethanacoupleofseconds.ButIhadseenit.
Mygazeleapedbacktohisprofile.
IsAaron…nervous?Aboutkissingme?
Itcan’tbe
NotafterthewayhehadalmostdonethatrightafterteasingandplummetingmetoapointwhereIwouldhavebeggedforhislips.
Unawareofmyeyesonhim,hiskneeresumedthebounce,themuscleonhisjawtwitchingagaininsync.
OhmyGod,heis.
Aaronwasnervous.Hewasalljitteryandhigh-strung,anditwasbecauseofme.Becausechanceswere,he’dhavetokissme.Me
Somethingtookflightrightbetweenmyribs.Icouldn’tbelievehowamansoconfident,socomposed—onewhohadmademybodycomealiveandsingwithnothingmorethanthesoftestoftouches—couldbefussingoverhavingtokissme.Theflutterinmycheststirred,makingmeitchtoreach—
Aloudcheerexplodedaroundus,takingmyattentionoffAaron.
Peoplechanted,“Quesebesen!Quesebesen!”Kiss!Kiss!
Myeyesleapedarounddesperately,myheartrisingtomymouth.Everybodywaslookinginourdirection.
I’lldoitI’llkisshim
AsIzeroedinonthescreen,somethinglurchedtothepitofmystomachinresponsetowhatIsaw.
Mydadreachedformymom’sfaceandplantedakissonherlips.
Itwasn’trelief.Whathadpiercedmybodywasdisappointment.Baffling,inexplicabledisappointmentatmenotbeingtheoneframedbythesillystringofhearts.Becausemyparentshadbeentargetedbythekisscam.Notus.
IfeltAaronmovebesideme.Turninginhisdirection,mygazehopelesslyfastenedtohislipsagain.Hismouth.Thatspeckofdisappointmentgrew,obliteratingeverythingelseandturningintosomethingthickandheavythatpromisedarichtasteonmytongue.Onethatmademyheartspeedup.
Want,Irealized.WhatIfeltwasneed.Iwantedhim,neededhimtogathermeinhisarmsandkissmelikehehadpromised.
“BecausewhenIfinallytakethoselipsinmine,itwillbethefurthestthingfrompretending.”
Thatwaswhathehadsaid.Andwasn’twhatIwasfeelinginside—whatthreatenedtospilloutandturnmylifearound—thefurthestthingfromalie?Frompretending?
Itwas.Consequencesbedamned,butitwas.
Iwaslongpastthisdeceptionscheme.Andtheballofemotionsthatcamewiththatrealizationcollapseddownmychest,crumblingalongtherestofmybodyandtakingeverythinginitswaywithit.Real—whatIwasfeelinghadtobereal.
“WhenIfinallykissyou,therewon’tbeanydoubtinyourmindthatitisreal.”
Iwantedittobereal.Real,real,real
Aaronmusthavefelttheshiftinme—naturally,ashewastheonepersononearthwhoseemedtoreadmelikeheownedtheonlycopytoTheHandbookofLina.Hisgazesharpened,roamingacrossmyfaceasIwatchedinawehowhislipsparted.
ItwasinthatprecisemomentthatIfeltlikesomethinghadfinallyclickedintoplace,unhingingeverythingIhadbeenkeepingonashortleash.
Icouldn’tknowhoworwhy.Didn’tevenhavetheslightestidea.Andwasn’tthatpartofthemysteryoflife?Partofwhatmadeitbreathtakinglyexciting?Unexpectedlybeautiful?Wecouldn’tcontrolandtameemotionstoourconvenience.
AndwhatIfeltforAaronhadturnedintoawildbeastthatImercilesslyfellpreyto.
ThatwasexactlywhywhenAaronquietlyreachedformyhand,tookitinhis,andstoodup,Ifollowed.Everysinglethingthathadstoppedmeinthesepastfewdayswasobliteratedinthechaosthathadbuiltaroundus.Wehadtocrossthespace,sidesteppingpeoplewhonowdancedanimatedly,eludingrelativeswithredcheeksandruffledhairwholungedinourdirection,ignoringthemusicfillingtheoutdoorsyspacethatcalledeverybodytotheimproviseddancefloor.ButwhatdidIcare?Nothingmattered,exceptfollowingthismanwhereverhetookme.
Likeaglass,Ihadbeenfillingup,dropletafterdroplet.Slowlypackingallthesethingshehadgivenme—thesoftest,mostprovokingtouches;precioussmilesthatwerejustforme;hisstrength;hisfaithinme—tothebrimandheapingwitheverythingIhadbeenfeeling.Ifoundmyselfonthevergeofbeingtoppleddown.OfhelplesslyspillingandrevealingeverythingIhadworkedsohardonbottlingup.
Weweresomewhereoutsidestill,perhapsononeofthesidesofthepatiooftherestaurant.Themusicfromthepartyreachedmyears,muffledbythedistance,andtheonlylightilluminatingthissectionofthegardencamefromalonelylampperchedonthefaredgeofthebuilding,leavingusalmostinthedark.
Aaroncametoastop,finallyturningaroundandfacingme.Hisjawwasclenchedagain,therestofhisfeaturesscrewedsecurelytogethersotheygavenothingaway.
ButIknew.Iknew
Myfeetshuffledonthegravelbeneaththem,tellingmethiscouldn’tbeafrequentedpathforguestsifmyheelsdidn’tseemtostandstillformorethanafewseconds.
Orperhapsitwasjustmeandthewaymybodyshook,whatstoppedmefromremainingupright.
Aarontookastepforward,hisbodyanglingtowardmine.Deliciouslycrowdingmeandforcingmybacktocomeagainstthecoarsesurfaceofthewall.
“Hi,”Icroaked,asifwewerejustseeingeachotherafteralongtime.And,God,whydiditfeelsomuchlikewewere?LikeIwasfinallyhere.Finallycominghome
IwatchedAaron’sthroatwork,andthenhetookadeepbreaththroughhisnose.“Hey.”Hispalmcametorestonmyjaw,cuppingmyface.“AskmewhatI’mthinking.”
MyheartracedwiththeprospectofdoingsoasIanticipatedhisanswerwithatrepidationIhadneverknown.Butitwasbetterthanhimaskingmetospeakwhatwasinmine.
“Whatareyouthinking,Aaron?”
Ahumroseinhisthroat,thesounddeepandhusky.Itshotstraighttomychest.“I’mthinkingthatyouwantmetokissyou.”
Mybloodswirledathiswords,turningthicker.Ido.Ido
“AndI’malsothinkingthatifIdon’tdoitsoon,Imightlosemygoddamnmind.”
Thepalmthatwascuppingmyfacefell,andafingertraileddowntheskinofmyarm.
Ididn’tspeak.Ididn’tthinkIcould.
Hisgazetraveleddownmythroat,leavingapathofshiversonmyskin.“ButIwasseriouswhenIsaidthatwhenIfinallytookyourlips,you’dknowwhatitmeant.”
Hesteppedcloser,thetipsofhisshoesgrazingmine,ourbodiesalmosttouching.Ibracedmyhandsonhisarms,nottrustingmyselfanymore,seeingashowIshook.HowItrembled.
“Doyouknownow,Catalina?”Hisnosebrushedmytemple,makingmybreathhitch.“Doyouknowwhatthismeans?”
Aaron’slipsflickedalongmycheekbone,makingmybackarch,myshoulderscomingflushagainstthewallbehindme.Mylipsparted,myanswerstucksomewhereinmythroat.
Hereleasedashakybreath,hisbodytightwithrestraint.“Answerme,please.”
Aaron’sforeheadcametorestagainstmine,andIwatchedhiseyelasheshidethatoceanI’dgladlydrowninifheletme.Eyesclosed,heinchedcloser,hislipsalmostcomingagainstmine.
“Putmeoutofmymisery,Catalina,”hegrittedout,cuppingthebackofmyheadwithtremblingfingers.
Myheart—mypoorheart—lostitatthedesperationinhisvoice.AttheunfilteredneedIheard.
“Real,”Ifinallybreathedintohismouth.“Thisisreal,”Irepeated,needingtohearthewords,feelthetruthonmyskin.“Kissme,Aaron,”Itoldhimbreathlessly.“Provetomethatitis.”
Agrowl—adeliriouslylowgrowl—leftAaron’smouth.AndbeforeIcouldevenprocesshowthesoundhadseepeddeep,deepinsideofme,rightintothemarrowofmybones,Aaron’slipswereonmine.
Hekissedme—Aaronwaskissingme—asifhehadbeenstarvingforaneternity.Justlikeabeastmeanttodevourme.Hishardbodycomingagainstmine,desperatelyseekinganythingI’dgivehim.
Ourlipsopened,ravagingeachother’smouths,whilehislargepalmsroameddownmysides.Down,down,downtheywent,stoppingbelowmywaist.Myhandsflewtohischest,andIrelishedhowharditfelt,howwarm,howperfectlysolidandjustforme
Myheartdrummedagainstthewallsofmyownchest,andasoundclimbedupmythroatwhenIfeltAaron’sheartdothesameagainstmyfingertips.
ThenoiseonlyfueledAarontopressintomewithhiships.Torewardmewithawildsoundofhisown.Hishandsgrippedmywaist,bringingmeevenclosertohim,makingmefeeltheheatofhishardnessonmybellyandpunchinganothermoanoutofme.
Aaron,Aaron,Aaron,mymindseemedtochantasmybodywentonsensoryoverload.
Hishandsroamedoverthefabricofmydress,comingaroundme,draggingdownmyback,allwhilehistonguedancedagainstmine.
Anotherpressofhishipsagainstminemademybodyspinoutofcontrolandsentmoreandmoreheattopoolbetweenmythighs.
Aaron’slipsleftmine,revealinghewasbreathingasviolentlyasIwas.Withoutwastingamoment,hismouthlandedonthesoftspotbetweenmyjawandneck.Lookingupatthedarksky,Ibaredmythroatforhim.Anotherwhimperleftme,carriedawaybythebreezecomingfromthesea.
“Thatsound,”Aaronbreathedintomyskin.“Thatsoundisdrivingmegoddamninsane.”
Insanity—thatwaswhatthiswas.Whatwaspumpinginmyveins.
Hekissedapathupmythroat,veeringformyear,leavinglittlenipsthatleftmybloodroaring.Thunderingacrossmybody.
Myhandstoureduphiswidechest,reachingthenapeofhisneck.Myfingerstangledinhishair,pullingatitsoftlywhenhenibbledattheskinbelowmyearlobe.Whenhegrazedhisteethoverit,Ipulledalittleharder.
“Holdontome,baby.”Inaswiftmove,Aaronpickedmeupfromthefloor,mylegsgoingaroundhimandmyarmswrappingtighteraroundhisneck.
Somewhereinthebackofmyhead,Iworriedaboutthefabricofthedress,aboutitnotbeingairyorthinenoughsoit’dletmefeelhim.AaronAllofhim
Everydoubtfledmymindashepushedagainstmeoncemore.Mybackcameharderagainstthewall,andIcouldfeelhislengthnestledbetweenmylegs.
Hot—hewassohotandhard.
“That’snotenough.More,”Iimplored.Iwantedmore,more,more.I’dshredthedresstopiecesifIhadto.
Asherockedhishipsinonefirmmotionthatmademeseethestars,hislipsfoundmineagain,mufflinganotherofmymoans.
“Youarekillingme,Catalina,”hesaidagainstmylips.
Myholdonhisnecktightened,tryingtobringhimevencloser.More
“Iknow,”hegrittedout,andwithanothermotionofhiships,hepositionedhimselfrightagainstmycrease,almosttippingmeovertheedge.Aaronpressedhimselfagainstme,theheatofhishardnessfuriouslyseepingthroughthelayersofclothingbetweenus.
“More,”Ibeggedagain.Iwasn’tashamed.I’ddoitagain.Andagainandagain.
“Sodemanding.”Ahuskychucklecaressedmylips.“IfIsnuckmyhandunderyourdress,”Aaronraspedagainstmymouth,rockingagainstmeandthrobbingbetweenmylegs,“howwetwouldIfindyou,baby?”
Hewouldn’tbelievejusthowmuch.Ididn’tthinkI’deverbeenthisturnedon,thisaroused,thisrecklesslydesperateformore.
Aarongrazedmylipswithhis,thetouchbarelyenoughtoappeaseme.“I’mnotgoingtodothat.”Hisvoicewashusky,bathedintheneedIfeltwashingovermybody.“Notnow.”
“Why?”Ibreathedout.
“BecauseIwouldn’tbeabletohelpmyself,”hegrowledinmyear.Herockedhishipsagainstmeoncemore,pressingmeharderagainstthecoarsesurfacebehindmyback.“AndthefirsttimeI’minsideofyou,it’snotgoingtobeaquickfuckagainstawall.”
Iwhimperedathiswords.Atthelossofnothavingwhathehadjustpaintedsoclearlyinmyhead.I’dgiveanythingtohavehimburyhimselfdeepinsideme.Perhapsthatway,Iwouldn’tfeelthisvoidinthecenterofmychest.
Hisforeheadcametorestontopofmineagain.Everymotioncametoapainfulstop.“I’ddieahappymanifIcouldmakeyoucomerighthereandnow,”Aaronwhispered,makingmeshiver.“Butanyonecouldwalkbyandseeus,andthat’saprivilegeIwantforjustmyself.”
Sighing,Itrailedmyfingersthroughhishairandthenaroundhisneckuntilcomingtocuphisjaw.Slowly,Icametomysenses.“Youareright.”
Mylipspuckered,pouting.
Blueeyesthatshoneliketheyhadneverdonebeforecrinkledwithasmile.“Lookatthat,”hesaidbeforekissingmefirmly.Waytoobrieflyformetobeanywheresatisfied.“Iwillgetfoolish,crazyideasifyoustartagreeingwithmesoeasily.”
Thatgotmypouttofalljustasmidgen,andperhapsasmallsmilepeekedout.AndjustasIwasconsideringpuckeringmylipsagain,rememberinghowhotandbotheredIstillwas,hisheaddippedagain,andhekissedtheremainderofthatpoutoffmyface.
“Let’sgo.Yourfamilyisprobablywonderingwhereweare.”Heslowlydroppedmetothefloor.Then,hebrushedhisfingersoverafewstrandsofhairthathadcomeoutofplace,thebackofhishandgrazingmycheekbeforehesteppedback.“Perfect,”hesaid,lookingmeupanddown.
Andthewordtraveledstraighttothemiddleofmychest.
Heofferedhishand,andItookitbeforeithoveredintheairforacompletesecond.Iwasaneedywoman,itseemed.AndwhenitcametoAaron,I’dtakefromhimasmuchashewaswillingtogiveme.AndthenperhapsI’dbegformore.ChapterTwenty-Three
Ignited.ThatwasexactlyhowIfelt.
ItwaswhatAaronhaddonetome.Hehadlitmeup.Unraveledsomethingthat,Irealizednow,hadbeenhummingbeneathmyskinforalongtime.
Everythingriotingdeepinsideofmehadn’tbeenshapedoutofjustafewmomentsoranimpossiblyloudphysicalconnection.Whatcausedthisuprisinghadalreadybeenthere,buried.Ihadkeptitsubmergedundertheweightofbuts,fears,anddoubts.Pusheddownbymyownstubbornnesstoo.Butnowthatithadburstout,resurfacingandstreamingoutofme,mixedwithneedandwantandsomethingthatwasexhilaratingandabsolutelyterrifying,IknewthatIhadreachedapointofnoreturn.Iwouldn’tbeabletopushitdown,shoveitaside,orignoreitanylonger.
AndIdidn’tthinkIwantedto.
Notafterhavingatasteofwhatcouldbemine.AndIwasn’ttalkingjustaboutAaron’slips.ForthefirsttimesincewehadlandedinSpain,everytouch,look,smile,orwordwasreal.Afterthatkiss,everytimeAarongrazedmyarmwiththebackofhishand,itwasbecausehewantedto.Everytimehebrushedakissonmyshoulder,itwasbecausehewasn’tcapableofhelpinghimself.Andeverytimehegatheredmecloseandwhisperedsomethinginmyear,itwasn’tbecausemyfamilywaslookingandwehadaroletoplay.ItwasbecausehewantedmetohearhowbeautifulhethoughtIlookedandhowluckyhefelttohavemeinhis
Wedancedforhours,thistimewithnothinghangingoverourheads,andIkissedthatsmilethatwasonlyforme.Morethanonce.Isimplycouldn’thelpmyself.
Tonight,IhaddecidedI’dstayinourbubbleanddealwithwhatawaitedinNewYorkwhenwegotthere.Tonightwasours.
Aaronclosedthedooroftheroombehindhim,andIcouldn’thelpbutstareathimfrommypositionattheendofthebed.Wehadjustgottentotheapartment,andIhaddecidedtogivearesttomywobblylegsandhurtingfeetwhilehefetchedsomewaterfromthekitchen.
Oneofhisarmswasbehindhisback,makingmetiltmyheadwithcuriosity.Hesmiled,andwhenherevealedwhatwasinhishand,Ialmostscreamedathimtostopgoingaftermypoor,weakheart.Becauseitwouldn’tsurvive.
Adoughnut,glazedandfilledwithchocolatecream.Theyhadservedthemasasnacklateinthenight.AndIhadprobablyeatenmorethanIshouldhave.
“AaronBlackford,”Isaid,feelingasifsomethingwerebeingsquashedinthemiddleofmychest.“Didyousmuggledoughnutsoutoftheweddinginyourpocket?”
Hissmileturnedintoagrin.Abashfully,unassuminglyhandsomegrin.Andmypoorheartsqueezedsomemore.“Iknewyou’dbehungry.”
“Iam,”Iadmitted,myvoicesoundingallwrong.“Thankyou.”
Hestrodeacrosstheroomandplacedthedoughnutonanapkinontopofthedresser.Itookthechancetotellmyhearttochillthehelloutbeforeitwastoolateandwebothwentdown.
Aaronturned,asifheknewIneededonemoreminutetogathermyself.Butinsteadofdoingthat,Igawkedathisback.Watchedhowheshedhimselfofhissuitjacketanddelicatelyplaceditontheonlychairintheroom.Dangerousthoughtsstartedpilingupinmyhead,travelingtothebottomofmystomach.WhenAaronfinallyfacedme,justashewasundoingtheknotofhistie,thosedangerous,recklessthoughtswereprobablydisplayedallovermyface.
Ourgazesconnected,andanuncontrollableblushroseupmyneck,reachingmycheeks.Ironic,howIhadbeendevouringhislipshoursago,andnow,asimplelookturnedmeinsideout.
Restlessandflushed,Iavertedmygazeandleaned,reachingformyrightfoot.Myfingerswereclumsyastheyworkedatthestrapofthebeautifulyetpainfulhigh-heeledshoe.Exhalingwithfrustration,Ifumbledwiththethinbandtiedaroundmyankleforanembarrassingamountoftime.
IsensedAaroncomingcloser,righttowhereIwas,sittingonthebedasIunsuccessfullytriedtountietheclaspsofmyrightheel.Ifhefoundmypredicamentfunnyorridiculous,hedidn’tsay.Instead,hekneltonthefloorinfrontofmeandplacedhispalmovermyhands,bringingmyattemptstoahalt.
“Letme,”hesaid.“Please.”
Idid.IwasbeginningtounderstandthatI’dlethimdoaboutanythingifheasked.
Aaron’sstrongfingersunclaspedthefinestrapsandslowlyslippedtheshoeoff.KillingmewithatendernessIwouldnever—notinalifetime—haveenoughof.Hishandcapturedmyfoot,placingitontopofhisthigh.Onlythatgesture,thecontactofmysoleonhisleg,hadthepowertoundome.
Anditdid.ItcrackedmewideopenasAaron’sfingersslidtomyankle,kneadingandeasingthetensionawayastheywent,robbingmeofmybreath.
Thosehands.Whatthosehandscoulddotomeifthesimplicityofwhathewasdoingsentboltsofelectricityupmylegs,straighttothatneglectedpointlowinmybelly.
TheenemythatmyownmindcouldsometimesbedecidedthatthiswasagoodmomenttoremindmethatithadbeenalongtimesinceIhadbeenintimatewithsomeone.AndAaron…well,onejustneededtotakealookathimtoknowthatheprobablyhadmoreexperiencethanme.Anybodywould.IhadbarelydatedafterDanieland—
“Relax.”Adeepvoicejerkedmebacktothemoment.Aaron’sfingerswerestilldelicatelyrubbingmyrightankle,softeningthestiffmuscles.“Idon’texpectasinglethingfromyoutonight,Catalina.”Helookedupatme,ourgazesmeeting.Therewasonlyearnestnessintheblueofhiseyes.“Earlier,whenIkissedyou,Iletmyselfgetcarriedaway.Cameonalittletoostrong,andIapologize.”
Mylipsparted,butnothingcameout
“Youhavetosaysomething,baby.Youareveryquiet,andthat’sstartingtofreakmeout.”
Baby.Thatbabydidthingstome.Ilikedit.Fartoomuch.
“Youhavenothingtoapologizefor.”Itriedreallyhardtoswallowallthosestupidinsecurities.“So,don’tapologize,please.”Ilookedintohiseyes.“Youwereperfect.You…reallyare.”
Thatlastpartleftmylipsasnothingmorethanawhisper.
TheblueinAaron’seyessimmered,darkenedwithdetermination.Itdidforamomentthatstretchedandstretcheduntilheclearedhisthroatandresumedhiswork.
Turningtomyotherfoot,herepeatedtheprocess,leavingtheleftstilettowheretheotheronerestedonthefloor.Hemassagedmyleftheel,hisfingertipsmakingtheirwayupmyankletoo.Andonlyafterhefinishedkneadingthemusclesandtendonsthere,hespoke,“Allset.Let’sgetyououtofthatdress,andyou’llbereadyforbed.”
Andthatwaswhatdidit.
Hisunassumingwords,thetendernesswithwhichhehadbaredmyfeetandthewayhelookedupatmefromhispositiononthefloor,asifhisonlygoalherewasmakingsureIwascaredfor.Allofitbrokesomethinginsideofme.
IsworeIevenheardthecrackingsound,slicingthesilenceintheroomintwo.
“No.”
Hisbackstraightened,hisgazerisinguntileye-levelwithme.
“Then,tellme.”Hisjawhardened.“Tellmewhatyouwant.”
Insteadofvoicingit,Ireachedoutandplacedmyhandonthenapeofhisneck.Ipulled,attemptingtobringhimcloser.AndAaronletme,allowingmetoshowhimwhereIneededhim.Ourfacesweremereinchesaway.Mymemoryofthetasteofhislipswasalmosttoopowerfulformetoresisthimanylonger.
Stillonhisknees,Aaroninchedcloser.Placinghistorsobetweenmythighsandhishandsoneachofmysides.Rightnexttomyhips.
“Whatelse?”
Icouldheartheneedinhisvoice.Icouldalmosttasteit.
Unabletostopmyself,myfingertipspulledatthestrandsofravenhairathisneck.You,Itoldhimwiththattug,incapabletoarticulateaword.
“Ineedtohearyousayit,”hebreathedintomylips.Notclosingthegap,stillnotsealingit.
Myotherhandlandedonhisupperarm,andInoticedimmediatelyhowthosetonedmusclesbunchedbeneaththefabricofhisshirt,constrained.Asifhewasphysicallystoppinghimselffromcomingcloser.Mygazetraveleddownhisarm,allthewaytohishand,discoveringhewasfistingthecomforterrightbesidemyhip.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,”herepeated,hisvoicealmostbreaking.
“You,”Iraspedout,adambreaking.“Iwantanythingyou’rewillingtogiveme.”Ineededhimtoinchcloser,toeatthespacebetweenusandmakeitdisappear.Tocomeontopofmeuntilblurringtheoutlinesofourbodies.“It’syouIwant.”
NeverinmylifehadIimaginedbreathlesswordslikeminewouldbethekeytosomethingsopowerful.AgrowlescapedAaron’sbody,hiseyesturningferal.HungerlikeIhadneverwitnessed—notevenearlier,whenwehadkissed—burroweditselfinAaron’sfeatures,givingwaytoapainedexpression.
“I’llgiveyoutheworld,”hesaidagainstmymouth.“Themoon.Thefuckingstars.Anythingyouask,it’syours.I’myours.”
Andthenmyworldexploded.Aaron’smouthwasagainstmine,nothingsoftaboutthebrandingcontact.Hepartedmylips,histongueplunginginside,whilehishandsslowlytrailedupmyback.
Hepulledmetohim,leavingmyassrestingontheedgeofthebed.Mylegswentaroundhiswaist,alittletoohightomakethecontactIcravedthemost—thatIknewwouldmakemeseethosestarshehadjustpromisedme.
Myheadspunoutofcontrol,thefeelofhisstrongbodybetweenmythighsoverwhelming,intoxicating,provoking.Iwantedtostayrighthereforever—withAarononhiskneesandmybodywrappedaroundhim.Withhislipsagainstmine.Hishandsinmyhair.
No.Iwantedmorethanthat,butIneededalltheseclothestogoawayfirst.
Aaronpulledmecloserintohischest,makingmybodychurn,lookingforthefrictionIachedfor.
Withoutbreakingthekissorhisholdonmybody,hestooduponstronglegs,takingmeupwithhim.Holdingmylegsaroundhiswaist,hepositionedmeexactlywhereIwascomingoutofmyskinforhimtobe,sendingatwirlofpleasurethrougheverycellinmybodyatthemaddeningsensationofhavinghishardnessnestledbetweenmythighs.Thewarmthofhishandsonmyassseepedthroughtheclothingofmydress,theheatofhislengththrobbingagainstmycenter.Hot,sohotthatmyskinburned.
Intwostrides,Aaronhadmeagainstthewall.Herockedagainstmycenter,justonce,anditrippedapainedwhimperoutofme.
“Tellmeifyouwantmetostop,”hegrittedoutagainstmylips,hisbodystiffandrocklikebeneathmyhands.“Tellmewhat’sokayformetodo.”
Pushinghishipsintometoholdmeagainstthewallandbringingtomysightastarryskyofdelirium,hedraggedhishandsupmysides.Stoppingwhenhereachedtheswellofmybreasts,hislongfingersgrazedthethinclothcoveringthem.
“Doesthisfeelgood,baby?”herasped.
Noddingmyhead,Iarchedmyback,pushingthemagainsthishands.Handsthatdidn’twasteasecondinacceptingmyoffering.Aaronkneadedmybreastsleisurely,histhumbgrazingoverthefabricthatcoveredmynipples.Thaturgeofshreddingmydressoffmybodyreturnedwithavengeance.AndIhadtophysicallyfightmyhandsfromexposingmyskin,sohe’dtouchme.Notthestupidgown.Me,me.Justme.
Asifhehadjustreadmymind,Aaron’shandsflewtomyshoulders.Hetookaholdofthestrapsofmydress,playingdelicatelywiththefinematerialbeforeasking,“CanIbringthesedown?”
Hiswatchfulness,hisnever-endingdiligenceatmakingsureIwascomfortable,kepttearingatsomethinginsidemychest—somethingIwasafraidthatoncebroughtdown,wouldn’tcrystallizebackintothesameeveragain.
“Yes,”Itoldhim.Hearingtheurgencyinmyvoice.
Catchingmecompletelyoffguard,insteadofbringingthestrapsdown,Aaron’shandsslidtomywaist,dislodgingmefromhisbody.Hedepositedmeonthefloor,andmyfingertipsdriftedfromhisnecktohischestatthedifferenceinheight.
Frowningattheloss,Ilookedup.Aaron’ssoftchuckleandradiantsmilebarelyregisteredwhenthosetwolargepalmsthatrestedonmyhipsturnedmearound.Briskly.
Myhandsfellflatonthewall.
Hisbreathcaressedthebackofmyneck,launchingariotofshiverstogallopdownmybody.Strongfingersreachedforthezipperofmydress,justabovethesmallofmyback.Hebroughtitdown,myunderwearpeekingout,ifIrecalledcorrectlyhowlowthatzipperwent.
Ifeltmyselfswallow,justasIheardastrangledsoundleavingAaron.
Hisfingersslowlytrailedupmyspine,aflockoftinglestakingflight.Whenhereachedthestrapsatmyshoulders,hepulledthemdown.Thedresssliddownmybodyandpooledonthefloor,leavingmeinnothingbutmypanties.And,God,Ihadneverbeenhappieraboutwearingadresswithabuilt-inbra.
Lookingovermyshoulderathim,Ifoundatroubledexpressionmarringhishandsomeface.Unconsciously,mybodytriedtoturn,butAaron’sarmscamearoundme.Onehandlandedonmystomachwhiletheotherwenttomyhip.Hepulledmeintohim,theheatofhiswholebodyonmybareback,overrunningmysenses.
Hischindipped,fallingonmyshoulder.“Givemeaminute,”hebreathedintomyear.
Afterafewsecondsofneitherofusmovinganinch,justtakingitallin,Ifelthislipsonmyneck.
“I’mtryingtotakethisslow,Lina.IswearIam,”hecontinued,hishanddriftingupmystomach.Histhumbgrazedtheskinofmybreast.“Butyouaredrivingmerightoutofmymind.”
Thatfingertipbrushedovermynipple,elicitingadeepmoanoutofme.Earningmeoneofhisinreturn.Thehandthatrestedonmyhipsliddowntomythigh,closetotheedgeofmypanties.Justafewinchesfromthepointwhereallthisheatrunningthroughmybodygathered.
“I’mdyingtolearneveryinchofskinonyourbody.”Hetookmynipplebetweenhisindexandthumbandpulledsoftly.
Iwhimpered,demolished.Devastated.
“Tomemorizeyou.”Hisvoicedancedwiththesamedesperationrushingdownmybelly.“Doyouwantthat?”
“Yes.”Myvoicesoundedbrittle,justasmuchasmysanityifhedeniedme.“Ineedyoutotouchme.”
Aarongrumbled,hischestrumblingwiththesound.Myhandsflewback,landingonhisshouldersandarchingmybodyforhistaking.
Hisarmpulledmecloser,mybacksideflushagainsthim.
Herockedhiships,andthenhishandtrailedupanddownmythigh.“Openupforme,”hedemandedintomyneckwhilepushingmylegsopenwithhiskneefrombehind,wideningmystancesoitgrantedhimeasieraccess.“Let’sfinallyseehowwetyouare.”
Hisfingerssnuckundertheedgeofmypanties,grazingthehairandskinthereandmakingmylegswobbleatthepleasureofthepowerfulcontact.Aaron’sholdonmyhiptightened,pullingmybackagainsthishardlength,andIfeltitpulsatingagainstmyskin,eventhroughthefabricofhispants.Continuinghispath,hisfingersfinallyreachedmywetfolds,pressingforjustaninstantandthenglidingdownslowly.
Mylipspartedasamoanclimbedoutofmybody.Ihadn’tbeenthiswetorturnedoninmyentirelife.
“Fuck.”Aaron’scursewasn’tmorethanarasp.“Isthisallforme?”
IfI’dmanagedtowhimperanaffirmativereply,Icouldn’tknow.Ijustguessedthatwhatevermyanswerhadbeen,itsatisfiedAaron.Becausehisfingersmovedupanddownmyfolds,coatingeverythinginmypleasure,turningmybloodintomoltenlava.
“IfIslidemyfingersinsideyourpussy,I’mgoingtolosecontrol,”hetoldmeinadeepandinkyvoice.Awarning,apromise.“Isthatsomethingyouarereadyfor?”Histhumbstartedcirclingmyclit,almostbringingmetomyknees.
Mybackarched.“Aaron.”
Hisvoiceloweredevenfurther.“That’snotananswer,baby.”Hisfingersincreasedtheirpace,makingmelight-headed.“Doyouwantmetogetyouoffandholdyouuntilyoufallasleep?”Hisotherhandrosetomybreast,teasingmynipple.“Ordoyouwantmetoclaimitwithmycock?”
Socommandingandyetsofuckingthoughtful.Cherishingme,ravishingme.HewaseverythingIneeded.Everythingmybodycravedandmyhearthadbeenmissing.
ForwhatIwouldsoonlearnwasthelasttimetonight,Itoldhimwhathe’ddemandedtohear.ThetruththatIhadkeptunderkeydeepinside.“I’mready,Aaron.”Ibroughtmyhandtohis,whichwaspartlycoveredbymypanties.“Takeme.Allofme.”Itightenedmyholdonhimandpressedbothourhandsagainstmycenter.“Claimme.”
Aarondidn’tloseanytime.Oneofhisfingersslidinsidemeinoneswiftmotion,amoanforminginthedepthsofmychestattheblissfulinvasion.
God.Ithadbeensolongsincenothingbutmyownfingershadbeenthere.
“Youaredrenched,baby.Allforme.”Aaronkeptthrustinginside,addingasecondfingerandbringingbrightlittlespotstothebacksofmyeyes.“Allofyou,mine.”
Somethingstartedunraveling,crackingmewideopen.Tiltingmybodytowardtheedge.“Aaron.This…thisistoomuch.”
Panting.IwaspantingasIlostcontrolovermyownbody.
“It’snottoomuch.Thisiswhatrealfeelslike,”hemurmuredagainstmyneckashisotherhandgrazedoneofmybreasts.
Iwassoclosetotopplingover.Amilliondifferentsortsofsensationscascadeddownmybody,spreadingfromeverypointwhereAaronwastouchingme.Tattooingmyskin.Thewayhethrusthisfingersinsideofme.Orhowheplayedwiththetipsofmybreasts.Therockingofhishipsagainstmybackside,insyncwiththeplungingofhishand.Itwasalltoomuch.Toomuch.
“That’sit.Icanfeelyourpussygrippingmyfingers.”Hiswordspushedmealittleclosertotheedge.Everysinglesecondofthisblissfultortureblindingmewithmorepleasure.“Ridethem,baby.Comeonthem.”
AndIdid.OhGod,Idid.Itippedovertheedge.Myheadwentspinning;mylimbswererobbedofallstrength.AndwhileImoanedandwhimperedsenselesswordsmixedwithAaron’sname,hisfingerskeptdrivinginsideofme.Draggingitout,walkingmethroughit,untileventuallyslowingdownandcomingtoastopovermystill-pulsatingcenter.
Afterwhatcouldhavebeenacoupleofsecondsorafewminutes,Aaronextricatedhisfingersfromme.Tippingmyheadtotheside,IlookedupbecauseIwantedtoseehisface.Hishandsomefaceandocean-blueeyes.Ifoundhimgazingdownatmewithasmilethatwasnew.ItwasonethatIhadneverseen.Onemixedwithhungerandneedandsomethingelse.Somethingmorepowerfulthanallthat.
AsIeyedhim,probablywithaspentandblissfullookonmyface,Iwatchedhowheliftedthefingersthathadbeeninsideofmemomentsagoandintroducedtheminsidehismouth.Hiseyesclosed,andhisfacecontortedintoanexpressionIwouldneverforget.AnexpressionthatwouldbebrandedinmymindfortherestofmygoddamnlifeandthatwouldhauntmeinthewetdreamsI’dstarthavingnow.
Aarongrunted,openinghiseyesbackandfindingmine.“Icouldcomeonlywithyourtaste.Withyouinmyarmslikethis.”
Soprimal,sobasic,sohot
Icouldn’tbegintoarticulateananswer,tomove.Hemusthaveseenthatbecauseoneofhisarmswentbelowmylegsandtheotheronearoundmyback.Pickingmeupfromthefloor,hecarriedmetothebedandplacedmeonthetopofthevelvetylinen.
Aaronstoodtoonesideofthebed,hisfingersflyingatthebuttonsofhisshirt.
Oneofthemunclasped,hischestpeekingoutofthefabric.Myhandsitchedtotouchhim.Thatwaswhattorethroughmyabsorption.Iwouldn’tlethimgetthatawayfromme.Iwantedtheprivilegeofundressinghim.Crawlingacrossthebedasmygazezeroedinonthatnextbutton,Imademywaytohim.StraighteningonmykneeswhenIreachedhim.
“Iwanttodothis.”Myhandsreplacedhis,takinginfinitepleasureineverylittlebuttonthatcameundoneundermyfingers.Onebyone,Iworkeddownhistorso.FeelinghowAaron’schestswayedupanddown,hisbreathcominginandoutheavily.WhenIwasdone,Ishedhimofhisshirt,discardingittothefloor.
IfIhadthoughthischestwasflawlessthedayIhadseenitforthefirsttime,now—witheverythingelse,witheverypowerfulemotionhummingundermyskin—itwassimplyheavenly.Mypalmslandedonthetautskin,andIwascatapultedstraightintoheaven.
Myfingertipsmemorizedeverymountandvalley,everyinchofskinthatseemedtohavebeensculptedinstone.Tight,smooth,glorious.
Allofhimforme.
Grazingmynailsdownhischest,Ireachedhisstomach.Aaronshiveredundermytouch.Notsatisfied,Islidmyfingersfurtherdown,followingthethinlineofdarkhair.Enthralled,mygazedevouredeveryoneofmymotions.God,therewasn’tenoughtimeinalifetimeformetogettiredofthissight.Ofhimundermyhands.
Reachingthebuttonofhispants,Ilookedup.JustintimetowatchAaron’sjawbunching,theblueinhiseyesglazing.Myfingertipsbrushedlower,feelinghimthickandhotthroughthedarkfabricofhissuit.Hegrunted,pushinghishipsupintomyhands.
Mykneeswobbledundermyweight,myheadlighterasIgrazedmypalmoverhim.
Aaron’sheaddipped,hislipsfallingonmytemple,brushingakissthere.Hishandscameupandlandedontopofmine.Fumblingwiththebuttontogether,weundidit.Nextwasthezipper,andI…
Hesitated.Froze.
EvenifIfeltlikeIwouldimplodeifIdidn’tbringthatzipperdown,Ihesitated.Myfingersshookwiththethought.
Wearedoingthis.Andfuck…thisfeelslikemorethansexItfeelslikesomuchmore.
“What’swrong,baby?”Aaronwhisperedagainstmytemple.
Lookingup,Isearchedhisface.HowcouldItellhimthatallmybravadohadsomehowdied?ThatmyhandsshookwithneedbutthatIrealizedIdidn’treallyknowwhatIwasdoing?Whatweweredoing?
Aaronreleasedabreath,hisjawsettingwithdecision.Somethingclickedbehindhiseyes.
Hetookbothmyhandsinhisandplacedthemabovehischest.“Myheartisbeatingamillionmilesanhourtoo.Doyoufeelthat?”
Inoddedmyhead,someofmyfeardissipating.
Then,hebroughtmyhandsagainsthishardlength.“Doyoufeelthistoo,Lina?DoyoufeelhowhardIaminmypants?”Hepunctuatedbothhisquestionsbythrustinghishipsintomypalms.
Iexhaledthroughmynoseatthethrobbingcontact.
“Yes.It’sallbecauseofyou.It’syouwhomakesmycockthishard.Andit’syouwhomakesmyheartwanttoplunderoutofmychestwithabrieftouchorasimplelook.Butit’snothingtobescaredof.Weareinthistogether,remember?”
Hiswordsfueledsomethinginsideofme,unearthingtheneedfrombeneathmysuddeninsecurities.Mydoubts.Myfears.
Idippedmyhead,placingakissabovehisheart.“Weare.”Then,myhandmovedoverthefabricofhispants,palminghislength.Veryslowly.
Aarongroaned,andIfelthislipsfallingonmytempleagain.Heplacedanencouragingkissthere.“Takemeout.”
Iobliged.Iwasathismercy.I’ddoanythingifheasked.So,Iunzippedhispants,zeroinginonthebulgecontainedinhisboxers.Followinghisdemand,Isliddownbothhispantsandunderwear.Justenoughsohislengthsprangfree.Myfingerscircledhim,givinghimonesinglestroke.
AstrangledsoundemergedfromAaron’sbody.“Jesus,thatfeelssogood.”
Strokinghimonceagain,Irelishedinthefeelofhiscockbetweenmyfingers,smoothandhard,throbbingundermytouch.Iwonderedhowit’dfeelundermytongue.Followingmyhastyimpulse,Ileaneddown,hearingAaron’sgaspatmysuddenchangeinposition.Iplacedmylipsonhisshaft,circlinghimthenwithmymouth,makingcontactwithmytongue.
God.Allthebloodinmybodypooleddowninmycenter,myneedpulsatingandpiercingeveryoneofmysenses.
Takingholdofmyhair,Aaronpulleddelicately.“Baby.”Hetuggedatmyhairagain.Thistime,hishipsrearedback,justenoughtomakemestop.“Iwantthis—Ido—butI’mnotgoingtocomeinyourmouthtonight.”
Movinghishandstomyshoulders,hepulledmeup.Inadeliriouslyswiftmove,hehadmeonmyback.Inanotherone,hegotridofhispantsandboxers.
Aaronisnaked
Everysinglethingabouthimwassolidanddelectable.Big.Powerful.Perfect
Andallforme.
Mybreathhitchedatthethought.
Hungryblueeyes,whichIwouldgladlygetlostin,swipedupanddownmybodyasIlayonthebed.JustasIwantedtolearnbyheartthelinesdelineatinghisflexedarmsandchest,memorizethatjuttingthicknessthathadmelickingmylips,committomemorythosepowerfulthighsthathadalwaysdrivenmecrazy.Iwantedtotattooallofitinmymind.Keepitforever.
Aaronwalkedtohistoiletrybag,whichrestedatopthesmalldresserinfrontofthebed,andgrabbedafoilpackage.
Walkinguptothebed,heletthecondomfallontopofthecovers,rightbesideme.Ifollowedallhismovements,enthralled,unabletomovemyself.
Lookingdownatmewithburningintensity,Aaronbroughthishandtohislengthandpumpedhishardness.Onehardpump.
“Idon’tknowhowI’mgoingtotakethisslow,”herasped,givinghiscockanotherroughandhardthrustwithhisfist.
“Then,don’t,”Ibegged,eatinguptheimagebeforeme.Stoppingmyselffrompouncingonhim.“Don’ttakeitslow.Iwantallofyou.Allaroundme.Insideofme.Everywhere.”
Beforemyownwordsregistered,Aaronwasontopofme,hismouthdevouringmine.Devouringme.Hishipsbetweenmyopenlegs,whichIhadwrappedaroundhiswaist.Hispulsatingthicknessnestledagainstme.
“Theseneedtocomeoff.Now,”Aarongratedinmyearashisfingersfumbledwiththeflimsyfabricofmypanties.
NextthingIknew,theywereonthefloor,andAaronwassettledbetweenmythighsoncemore,nothingbetweenus.RightwhereIneededhim.Whereheseemedtobelong.Hewentonhisknees,grantingmetheviewofhislargeandhardbody.
Thepaceofmybreathincreased.Mybloodswirled.
Reachingforthecondom,herippedopenthefoilandrolleditdownhislength,hiseyesremainingonmine.
“YouarethemostbeautifulthingI’veeverseen,lyingrightthere.Allforme.”Hisgazesoftened,reachingintomyheartandpullingsomethingout,leavingalittleholebehind.OnethatIwasn’tsureI’deverbeabletofillagain.
Aaronbentdown,hislipsfallingsomewherebesidemyhip,grazingtheskinallthewaytothejunctionofmythighs.Heplacedakissthere.Thenanotherone.Andanotherone.Hegruntedandthendippedlower,asifhecouldn’thelphimself,histonguedelvingintomycenter.
Thecontactwasbrief,butitsentmysensesflying,amoanbreakingoutofme.
Pleasureeruptedoutofthatpoint.Spreadingoutlikeelectricity,snappingeverynerveendinginmybody.
Aaron’sreactionwasimmediate,hiswholebodycomingalive,bustling.Hislipsmadeitswayupmybody,leavingatrailofcharringkisses.Brushingsoftkissesalongmyjaw,neck,andshoulders.Andwhenhisweightfinallysettledoverme,Icouldonlyreachforhisfacewithmyhands.Bringinghimtomymouth,Ikissedhim.Slowlybutintently.Leavingbothofuspanting.
“Aaron,”Iwhisperedbetweenheavybreaths,“isthisreal?”Icouldn’tbelieveit;itfeltlikeadream.LikeIwouldwakeupatanymoment.
Aaronlookedintomyeyes,probablypeekingintoaplacedeepwithinme.OnethatIdidn’thaveaccesstomyself.Butinreturn,hegrantedmethataccesshimself.Everythingwefelt,allthathadbeenburiedanddenied,surfaced.Bared.Wewerestrippedofallpretensesbeforetheother.Exposed.
“Thisisasrealasitgets.Asanythingwilleverbe.”Hebrushedakissagainstthecornerofmylips.
Hiswords,therawopennessintheblueofhisgaze,theheatofhisbody,thewayitwrappedaroundme…allofitmademyheartburst.Madeeverycellinmybodyshakeviolentlyandblowupintoamillionfragments.
Aaronmusthavefeltthesamebecauseourbodiesemergedfromthefogandwentintoafrenzy.Hisfingersandtongueoutlinedmybody.Lips,neck,collarbone,breasts.EverythingburnedunderAaron’slips.Hishipsrockedagainstmycore,pushinghislengthbetweenmylegs,thetipslidingdownwitheveryswayofhisbodyuntilreachingmyentrance
Whenheliftedhismouthfrommysearedskin,hisgazereturnedtomyeyes.Askingpermissionwithoutwords.
“Yes.Yes.”Iaccompaniedmyanswerwithapushofmyhipsintohim.“Please,”Ibreathed,pushingagain.Feelinghowhiscockslidinsidemejustasliver.Notenough.
Placingakissonmycollarbone,Aaronfinallypressedintome.Oneslowanddeepthrust,fillingmecompletelyandsendingmyhead,mybody,mysoultoawholenewgalaxy.
“God,”Iwhimpered,blissfullyfull.
Aaron’sgruntfellagainstmytemple.“Ohfuck,baby.”Hishipsrocked,retreatingandslidingbackinwithmoreforcenow,elicitingacryofpleasurefromme.Hismouthnuzzledmyneck.“Thatsound,Catalina.”Hethrustinagain.“It’sgoingtobemyend.”Anotheronefollowed.
Myhandsflewtohishair,pullingitwithmyfingers,goadinghimtolosetheremainsofhisrestraint.
Andhedid.Withanothergrunt,Aaronthrustintomeharder,pushingmywholebodyup.Imoaned,certainI’ddrowninthewavesofpleasurerockingmybody.
“Grabontotheheadboard,”Aarongrowled,takingholdofmywristsandbringingthemuphimself.
Iobeyed,closingmyfistsaroundthebars,hopingthey’dresistourattack.
“Ineedthis,”Iwhimpered.“Needmore.”
Aaronrockedintomeashebracedhimselfontheheadboard.Hispacegaveawayallremnantsofcontrol.“Youneedme,”hegrunted,thrustingintomeevenfaster.
Mybackarchedinreturn.
“Youdon’tneedthis.”Heplungedintomehard.Then,hediditagain.Harder.“It’smeyouneed.”
God,didn’theknow—wasn’titpainfullyobvious—thatIdid?
Anotherbriskthrust.“Sayit.”
“Yes,”Imoaned,mybodylosingallitsstrengthunderthewavesofpleasure.“You,Aaron.Ineedyou.”
Thatlastwordbrokethethingraspofsanityhehadseemedtobeholdingonto.Andhisthrustslostallsenseofrhythm.Theycameharder,faster,deeper.Allofitatonce.Aaronrockedintomewithabandon.OurfleshclashedtogetherwhileIremainedholdingontotheheadboardandwatchedhisbodymoveaboveme.Hiscockslidinandoutofme,themusclesofhisabsflexing.Hisroundedshouldersbunched.Allofitjammingmecloserandclosertotheedge.
“Iwanttofeelyoumilkingme,baby,”Aaronsaidbeforestealingmymouth.Oneofhishandsflewtomybreasts,closingovermyrosypeak.“Comeforme,”hedemandedinahuskyvoice.“Comeonmycock.”
Hiswords,hisferalrhythm,hisbodypinningmine—allofitmademyeyelidsfluttershut.Mybodyburned.Blazedwitheverythrust.
Adesperatepleaescapedmylips.“Aaron.”
“Lookatme.Iwantyoutolookatme.”
Heliftedmyweight,placingmeagainsthischest.Hemovedme,burrowinghimselfintomefrombelow,liftingandpressingmeintohim.Wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck,Ifeltthehighcomingalive.Ituggedathishair.Hard.
Aaronpulledbothmyarmsbehindmyback,securingmywristswithonehand.Mybackarched.
“Lookatyou,atmymercy.”Heincreasedtherhythmofmyhips,ofthewayhejerkedmeontohiscock.“JustwhereI’vewantedyouallthistime.”
Onedeepandhardthrustafter,Aaron’sjawtightenedatthesametimehisotherhandreachedbetweenus,hisfingerslandingabovethespotwherewewereconnected.Circling,rubbing.AndbeforeIcoulddoanythingaboutit,Iwassentflying.RightatthesametimeasIfeltAaronpulsatinghisreleaseinsideofme.
Mynamelefthiminananimalisticgrowl.Pure,unadulteratedblissshockedmeasthemotionofhishipscontinued,histhrustsgrowingslower,ridingusboththroughtheclimax.Hisarmstightenedaroundme,hisfaceburrowedinmyneck,theoutlineofourbodiesabluruntilhishipscametoastop.
Weremainedrightthere,suspendedintime.Thebeatingofourheartsagainsteachother’sskinandthesoothingrhythmofhispulseundermytouch.
Eventually,Aaronpulledoutofmeandlaidusonourside,hisarmsstillwrappedaroundme.Henestledmeagainsthischest,andIknewIwasruinedforanyotherembrace.Nothingelsecouldevercompare.
Hebrushedakissagainstmyhair.Thenoneagainstmytemple,leavinghislipsthereforalongmoment.“Wasthattoomuch?”
Iturnedmyfaceintohischestandplacedmylipsabovehisheart.“No,never.”AndImeantit.“I…”Itrailedoff,myvoiceturningintoawhisper.“Ilikedhowyoulostcontrol.Ilikeditalot.”
“Careful.”Ifelthishandonmyhair,hispalmbrushingdownthetousledlocks.“Ifyougetanymoreperfect,I’mgoingtobelieveyouweremadejustforme.”
Mylipscurledupinagiddysmilewiththethought,andIhadtopressmymouthintohischest,soIwouldn’tsaywhatwasonmymind.Keepme.It’stheleastyoucandoifIwas.
Afterafewminutes,Aaronshifted.Myarmslockedtighteraroundhisneck.“Ineedtotakecareofthecondom,baby.”
Hetriedpushingaway,butIrefusedtolethimgo.Hischucklecamelightandsunnyandjustlikeablowtothechest.Itdistractedmeenoughforhimtoslipout.
Iwhimpered,disappointedandcold.IguessedIwasagreedywomanwhenitcametocuddles.
Orperhapsitwaswhenitcametohim.
“I’llbebackbeforeyoublink,promise.”
Luckilyforhim,hewas.Andthesighthetreatedmetoashestrolled,flawlesslynaked,acrosstheroomhelpedhiscase.Oncebackonthebed,hewrappedhimselfaroundme,tuckingmetohisside.Hepulledthelightcomforteroverusandhummedwithdeep,sultrycontent.
Yep,Ithought.Samehere
“See?”hesaidagainstmyhair.“Notevenafullminute.”
Isighedintohischest.“I’mneedy,okay?”Iadmitted,unashamed.“AndI’mnottalkingjustsnugglesneedy.I’mspider-monkeyneedy.”Imademypoint,throwingmylegoverhisandmyarmoverhischest,tanglingourbodiesinawaythatIguessedwasn’tanywhereclosetobeingcute.
Somehow,evenwithmyfaceburiedinhisneck,Iknewhewassmiling.Then,hischestrumbled,confirmingthathewasn’tjustdoingthat.
“Areyoulaughingatmymisfortune?”
“Iwouldn’tdare.Justenjoyingyoubeingallgreedywithme,spidermonkey.”Hispalmtraileddownmyspine,stoppingatmybackside.Hesqueezed.“Butifyoudon’tbehave,wewillnevermanagetogetanysleeptonight.Andasdevastatingasitis,Ionlyhadthatcondom.”
Mygriponhimloosenedalittle,“Didyou…expectthistohappen?”Iasked,thinkingofhimslippingacondominhisluggage.Arushofanticipationrosebeneathmyskin.
“No,”heansweredsoftly.Hisfingersmakingtheirwayupmyback.“ButI’mnotgoingtolietoyou;abigpartofmehopeditwould,andmaybethat’swhyIleftitin.Ithadbeeninthereforeveranyway,soIthoughtitwouldn’thurt.”
“I’mhappyyoudid,”Itoldhimtruthfully,andhishandcametorestatthenapeofmyneck.Hisfingersslippedin,tanglingwithmyhair.“It’stoobadyoudidn’tthinkofthrowinginmore.”
ThesoundthatcameoutofAaron’sthroatgavemelife.“Ohyeah?”
InsteadofansweringwhatIhopedwasarhetoricalquestion—becausehowcouldInotmournthelossofmoremind-blowingsexlikethat?—adifferentquestionpoppedupinmymind.
“CanIaskyousomething?”Iventured,leaningbacksoIcouldlookathisface.
Aaron’sheadtiltedbacktoo,findingmyeyes.“Youcanaskmeanything.”
“HowintheworldisyourSpanishsogood?”
Hislipstuggedupsheepishly.
“Seriously,”Icontinued,grillinghimforananswer.“IhadnoideayouspokeawordofSpanish.Younevertoldmeyouweresogoodatit.”Iwatchedhiseyessparkleatthecompliment.Ilikedputtingthatthere.JustasmuchasIlikedmakinghimsmile.“TothinkthatyoumighthaveunderstoodallthenamesIcalledyou.”
Hesighed,hischeeksturningalittlepink.“Ireallydidn’t.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Yousaideverythinghadtogoabsolutelyperfect.”
Isearchedhisfaceforthemeaningbehindthat.“So,youjust…what?Startedacrashcoursebeforeflyinghere?”
Ithadbeenajoke,butAaronshruggedhisshoulders.
Understandingsankinslowly.“OhmyGod,youdid,”Isaidundermybreath.Forme.Hedidthatforme
“It’snotlikeIhadneverlearnedSpanishbefore.Idid,inschool.”Hereachedformyhairagain,playingabsentlywithastrand,curlingitaroundhisindexfinger.“Andnow,there’sanappforanything.Ilearnedenoughtomakeagoodimpression.Istillhavealongwaytogo.”
Somethingmusthavebeenplasteredallovermyface—somethingIhopedwasn’ttheadorationIfeltforhiminthatprecisemoment—becauseAaron’seyesseemedoddlyinterestedinstudyingme
Then,hebroughtmeevenclosertohischest,tuckedmesecurelyagainsthim,andplacedakissonmyshoulder.Imeltedintothatbrushofhislipslikebutterleftunderthesun.
“IbetI’mstillmissingalltheinterestingvocabulary,”headded,soundingthoughtful.Hebrushedanotherkissonmyshoulder.“Thebestwords.”
“Oh.”Mylipscurledup,interestedinthedirectiontheconversationwastaking.“Youwantmetoteachyouallthedirtywords?”
Ilookedupathimandwiggledmyeyebrows.Aarongavemealopsidedsmilethatwouldhavemademypantiesdroptothefloorhadtheybeenrestingonmyhips.
“Well,youareinluck;I’mawonderfulteacher.”
“AndI’mahighlydedicatedstudent.”Hewinked.Andthatgoddamnwinkdisruptedthebeatingofmyheart.“AlthoughImightgetalittledistractedeverynowandthen.”
“Isee.”Iplacedmyindexfingeragainsthischest,watchingAaron’seyesdivedownquicklybeforereturningtomyface.“Maybeyouneedtherightkindofmotivationtokeepyourattentiononthesubject.”
Itrailedthatfingerup,travelingacrosshispecandthenuphisneck,followingthelineofhisjawuntilreachinghislips.Theypartedwithashallowbreath.
“This…”Ipushedmyselfupandkissedhislipsgently.“Thisisasix-letterwordinSpanish.Labios.Tuslabios.Yourlips.”
Theonlyanswerhegavemewastakingmymouthinhisagain.Asiftheonlywayhe’dlearnthewordwastastingit.
“Andthis,”Isaidbeforepartinghislipsandmakingthekissdeeper,ourtonguesdancingtogether,“isanothersix-letterword.Lengua—tongue.”
“IthinkIreallylikethatone.”Aaron’sheaddippedlow,hisnewfavoritewordreachingmybreast.“Andthis?Whatdoyoucallthis?”hesaid,grazinghismouthoverthepeak.
AgigglethatsoonturnedintoamoanleftmymouthbeforeIwasabletoanswer.“That’safive-letterword.Pezón.Nipple.”
Aaronhummedwhilehislipstraveledupmychest,placingsoftkissesonhisway.
“So,wehaveworkedonsix-andfive-letterwords.”Heplacedmoreofthosepecksonmyskin.“Justforthesakeofstickingtoyourmethod,weshouldgooverfour-letterwords.Wouldyouteachmeone?”Aaron’swishfellagainstmyskin.
Afour-letterword.Itshouldn’thavebeencomplicated.Therewereprobablythousandsoffour-letterwordsinmymothertongue.Butmymindwasatreacherousthing,anditbetrayedme.Often.AndtheonlywordIcouldthinkofwasaveryparticularone.Onethat,despitenotbeingtoolong,waspowerfulenoughtochangethings.Tochangepeople’slives.Tomovemountainsandstartwars.
ItwasabigwordthatIhadpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tgiveanybodywithoutbeingsureImeantitwitheverysinglemoleculeinmybody.WithoutbeingsureIwassafe.
MysilenceseemedtogiveAarontheperfectopportunitytokeepexploringmyskin.Hismouthcausingmyhearttopoundagainstmychest.
“Idon’tknow,”Imurmureddistractedly.Scaredandturnedontoo.
Morekisseswerebrushedagainstmyskin,makingmefighttocatchmybreath.
“It’sokay,”hesaidlikehereallymeantit.“Wecanbreaktherules.That’sthemagicinbeingus,theonesmakingthem.”
Hetookmymouthkeenly,gettingmeoutofmyheadforablissfulmoment.Andwhenwecameupforair,hisheaddippedonemoretime,placinganopenmouthedkissabovemyheart.“Corazón,”hesaidsoftly,sosoftlythatthewordseepedintomyblood,mixingwithmyownsoitwouldneverbeabletoleave.“Heart.That’syourheart.Sevenletters.”
Lookingintohiseyesforalongmoment,IsworeIcouldseeinthemeverythinghewasn’tvoicing.I’llmakeitmine.AndeverythingIwasn’tbraveenoughtosay.Takeit.
WhenAaronfinallyspoke,itsoundedlikeapromise.“I’llearnmyfour-letterword.”
Andtherewasn’tadoubtinmymindthathewould.Butatwhatcost?ChapterTwenty-Four
TheexperienceofwakingupnexttoAaronthatfollowingmorninghadabsolutelynothingtodowiththetwoothertimesIhadopenedmyeyestofindhimlyinginthesamebed.
Forone,wewerenaked.SomethingIthoughtIcouldquicklygetusedto.Effortlessly.
Then,therewasthisteeny-tinythingthatseparatedthismorningfromthepreviousones.Atechnicalityreally.Andthatwasthebeaminggrinalreadyonmyface.Itwasstupidlywide,andIwasafraidImighthavesleptwithit.Ridiculous,Iknew.ButwhohadthetimetobeembarrassedwhenAaronBlackfordwasrightthere,allbigandnakedandreadytobeeaten?
Notme.
Andnotwhensomethingdefinitelynottinywasthrobbingagainstmythigh.
Aarongrunted,shiftingandpushingthatpulsatingpartofhisbodyintome
Ah,hello,newfavoritelimb.
“Morning,”herasped.Hisvoicewasthickwithsleep,beggingmetosnuggleintohim.
“Mmm,”Imanagedtoanswer.
Itwasterriblyrudeofme,butIwasbusywithmoreimportantstuff.Likelearningeveryinchofhischestwithmyhands.Ortheabsthattoppedhisstomach.Andthatnarrowtrailofdarkhair.Yes,Ineededtogetwellacquaintedwiththattoo.
“Yourparentsarepickingusupsoon,”hetoldmealmostbreathlessly.
“Yep.”Iwasaware.“Butonehourissixtyminutes,andifwemanagetopackoursuitcasesinfiveandshowerin…three?Thatleavesuswithfifty-twowholeminutes.”TimeIwasplanningtospendlearningmoreofAaron’sbody.“Onecandomanythingswithsomanyminutes.It’sallabouttimemanagement.”
Myfingerscontinuedtheirpathwaydown,down,down.Finallyclosingaroundhislength.Aaronpushedhishipsupintomypalm.
“Baby.”Thewordsoundedstrangled.ButIcontinuedpalminghishardnessupanddown.“Doyouwanttokillme?”
HekeptaskingmethatasifIhadtheanswer.
“No?”Irasped,myfocuscompletelygone.“Yes?”
Hishipsthrustintomyhandagain.
“Whatwasthequestion?”
Aarongroaned,andhishandcametorestonthesmallofmyback,pullingmetohisside—hard—makingmestraddlehiship.Unconsciously,instinctively,Irockedagainsthim,lookingforrelease.JustlikeAaronwasdoingintomyhand.
Atthatmoment,Iwasstartingtoconsiderthepossibilityofforgettingaboutmysuitcase,myparents,ourflightsback,work,life,andbasicallyanythingoutsidethisbed.Anythingthatwasn’tAaron.Isimplydidn’tcareenough.
AndthenextthingIknew,wewereupintheair.Well,Iwas.
Withmybodyinhisarms,Aaroncrossedthedistancetotheensuitebathroominafewlongstrides.Heturnedtheshoweronwithoutplacingmeonthefloor.
“Ihatetobethebearerofbadnews,butfifty-twominutesisnotnearlyenoughtimeforwhatIwanttodotoyou.So,we’llneedtomultitask,”heexplained,placingmeunderthestreamofhotwater.Hiseyesroamedupanddownmybody,hungerobscuringtheblueinthem.
“Timemanagementandmultitasking,”Itoldhim,watchinghimstepinsidetheshowerwithme.“Youhaveanimpressiverésumé,Mr.Blackford.”
Hishandscametorestonmyhips.Thegripofhisfingersdemanding.Desperate.“AndIdon’tshyawayfromachallenge.Pleaseaddthatintheretoo.”Hisbodypressedmineagainstthecoldandsmoothtiles.“I’lljusthavetomakeyoucomewithmytonguewhileweshower.”Mynewfavoritewordpeekedout,travelingalonghislowerlip.
Hotfuckingdamn
“Andmaybeagainwhilewepack.Allofitunderfifty-twominutes.ButI’mprettysureI’llmanage.”
Ohboy.Anddidheever
***
Againstallodds,wehadmadeitontime.
TurnedoutthatAaron’ssoftskillswerereallythatimpressive.
Myparentsdroveustotheairportwithmorethanenoughextratimetohavebreakfastintheterminalbeforeboarding.
Onceintheplane,Aaron’sarmdrapedaroundmyshoulders,andIsnuggledrightintohisside.Myheadrestedintothecrookofhisneck,hisdeliciousscentengulfingmeandcausingamultitudeofhappysighstoleavemylips.Thefeelingofthisnewsenseofnormalcythathadbeenbornbetweenuscalmedmeenoughtoknockmeout,evenbeforetakeoff.
Itwasn’tuntilwetouchedAmericangroundthatafamiliaralarmwentoffinmyhead.Theconversation.IfIweresmart,Iwouldhaveusedthatlargeamountoftimewehadbeenconfinedinthesamespacetohaveone.Weneededtodrawlines,todefineandboxwhateverthisthingbetweenuswas.To…decidewhattodoaboutit.BecausewhileIwouldn’tnormallyfeelthatkindofpressure,Aaronwasn’tjustanybody.Hewasn’tamanIhadstartedcasuallydatingoroneIhadhadanightofamazing,mind-blowingsexwith.HewasAaron.MyAaron.Myworkcolleague.Soon,myboss.Andthatscreamedtotakeadifferentapproachtothis.Whateverhewantedittobe.Whateverwewantedtomakeit.
Butforthat,weneededtotalk.
Hishandcametorestatthesmallofmyback,histhumbbrushingacircleovermyT-shirt.Ilookedupathim,findinghisgazealreadyonme.Damn,thoseeyesofhiswerequicklybecomingmyfavoritethingintheworld.Evenmoresothantriple-chocolatebrownies.
WehadjustcrossedtheArrivalsgate,sowefoundourselvesinthemiddleoftheterminal.OnNewYorksoil.Onlyafewfeetfromwhatawaitedusoutsidetheairport.Whateverthatwas.
“Lina,”hesaidsoftly.
Judgingbythewayhehadutteredmyname,theweightwithwhichhehadsaidit,Iknewhewasgoingtotellmesomethingimportant.Butthatsimpleword—myname,notCatalina,butLina—fromhislipsdidthingstome.Tomychest,tomyhead.
“Ilovehearingthat.Myname.”Myconfessionleftmylipsquietly,asifitweremeanttobejustathought.“Youdon’tcallmeLinanearlyenough.”
Aaronlookedintomyeyesforalongmoment,notspeaking.Notacknowledgingmyfleetingcomment.Itwasn’tuntilIthoughthewasn’tgoingtosayanythingatall—thatwewouldwalkoutofthatairportinsilenceandcontinueourmerryseparateways—thathespoke,“Comehomewithme.Tomyplace.”
Caughtoffguard,Iblinked.Instunnedsilence,IthoughtabouthowIwouldlovenothingmorethantospendmoretimewithhim.Togetlostinhimforalittlelongerbeforehavingtogobacktoreallife.Beforewehadtotalk,havethatconversationthatwouldconsolidate—ornot—everysinglethingthathadchangedbetweenus.
AconversationIfearedmoreandmorewitheverypassingminute.
Iwantedtotaketheleap.Badly.Butmyexperiencetoldmeotherwise,warningmeofnotmakingthesamemistaketwice.
AndIknewdeepinmybonesthatrecoveringfromthat—fromlosingAaron,orfrompossiblydilapidatingyearsofhardworkunderdirtyandunfairaccusations,ifhistorywastorepeatitself—wouldnotbeeasy.ItwouldbethehardestthingI’dhavetodoinmylife.Ialreadyknew.
Asallthatswirledinmyhead,Iwatchedsomethingthatlookedalotliketrepidation,fear,danceinAaron’sfeatures.
“Comewithme,Lina.”
Myeyelidsshutbriefly.
“I’llfeedyou,makesurewestayawakesothejetlagdoesn’tlastfortherestoftheweek.Tomorrow,earlyinthemorning,we’lldrivetoyourapartment,soyoucangrabwhateveryouneed,andthenwe’llheadtowork.”Hepaused.“Together.”
Itsoundedlikeadream.
Justlikehim.Hehadtobeifhethoughthehadtoconvincemetogowithhimanywhere.Iwantedto,sobadly.I’dfollowhimanywhereifheasked.But…
But…therewasalwaysabut,wasn’tthere?
“Aaron,”Ibreathed,“I’mgoingtobeveryhonestwithyou.”Iowedhim—andmeandus—atleastthat.“I’m…scared.Terrified.Youaregoingtobepromoted.Tomydivisionleader.Andthat’sgoingtochangethings.”
Iinhaledthroughmynose,avertingmygazetohischest.Therewastoomuchinhiseyes.Theydistractedme,stoleawaymysanity.
“WearenotinSpainanylonger.Thisisreallife.Andthis”—Iwavedahandbetweenus—“isgoingtocomplicatethings.”Orperhapsitwastheotherwayaround—himbeingpromotedtoapositionabovemewouldcomplicatewhateverthiscouldbe.
Hesnatchedmyhandandbroughtittohischest.Sowarmandfirm,sofullofallthethingsIwantedbutwasterrifiedtoreachfor.“We’lltalkaboutit.Later,oncewehavecleanedupandIhaveyoucomfortableandrelaxed.”Hisotherhandcametomychin,tiltingmyheadbacksohecouldpeerintomyeyes.“Andtomorrow,we’lltalktoHR.WewillaskSharon,ifthatgivesyouanypeaceofmind.”
Why?Why,world?Whydidhehavetobesothoughtful?Sofuckingperfect?
“Butbeforedoingthat,you’llhavetogiveusachance.”Itwashisturnforashakybreathtoleavehislips.“Doyoutrustme?”
Myhand,whichstillrestedoverhischest,rightabovehisheart,fistedthefabricofhisshirt.Unabletodoanythingelsebutholdontohim.“Takemehome,AaronBlackford.”
***
Staringatthescreenofmyphone,IdeliberatedforthehundredthtimeifIshouldreplytothemessagewiththetruth.
She’sgonnaflip.She’sgoingtokickmyasssohardthatshe’llsendmerightbacktoSpain.
Liftingmygazeoffthescreenandlookingatmyreflectioninthemirror—Aaron’sbathroommirror—Ididn’tlikewhatIsaw.IthadnothingtodowiththebagsundermyeyesorthemessyknotthathadbeenpromotedtochaoticprobablysomewhereacrosstheAtlanticOcean.Whatbotheredmewasn’tsomethingIcouldpointoutwithafingerorfixwithashower,afewhoursofsleep,andabrush.
Turningaway,Ileanedontheedgeoftheimpressiveandenticingbathtub.LargeenoughtoaccommodatetwoAarons,justlikeeverythingelseinhisapartment.Spaciousandluxuriousinaverysoberandtastefulway.Itsuitedhimsoperfectly.
Ipeereddownatmyphoneagaintorereadhermessage.
Rosie:Areyouback?Howbadwasit?Tellmeeverythinginfrontofacoffee.Ortwo?Maybethree?Howmuchistheretotell?
JustasIfinallyworkedupthecouragetoanswer,threedotsstarteddancingonthescreen.
Rosie:Icancomebyyourapartment,bringthecaffeinetoyou.Inonehour?Thirtyminutes?Now?
Icouldpicturemyfriendbattinghereyelashesatme.Rosiehadneverdrilledmesohardforastory.
Lina:I’mnotatmyapartment.
Rosie:Stillattheairport?Icancomebylater.Justgivemeatime.
Takingadeepbreath,Itypedmyanswer.
Lina:Idon’tthinkI’mgoingbacktomyplacetonight.
Thosethreedotsbouncedbacktolifeonthescreen.Shetypedandtypedandtyped.Forastupidlylargeamountoftime.Ifrownedatmyphone,bracingmyself.
Rosie:IKNEWIT.
Astrangledsoundclimbedupmythroat.That’sallshewastyping?
Rosie:SO?Spillit.Typeit,soIcantellyouthatIsawitcoming.
Ichuckledundermybreath.HadIbeenthatblind?
Lina:…
Rosie:SAYIT.SAYITOUTLOUD.Say.It
Lina:Chill,EdwardCullen.
Rosie:Catalina,ifyoudon’tstarttalking,I’mgoingtogetpissed.AndIneverdo.Youstilldon’tknowwhatapissedRosielookslike.
Lina:Aaron’s.I’matAaron’sapartment.
Rosie:Ofcourseyouare.Iwanttoknowtherest.
Lina:Therest?
Rosie:Acondensedversion—fornow.
Lina:Wesortofkissed.Kindaslepttogether.
Rosie:SORTOF?KINDA?Whatdoesthatevenmean?
Lina:*eyerollemoji*Wedid.Kissed.Hadsex.
Rosie:AND?
Andso,somuchmore,Iwasabouttotype.Butmythumbsfrozeabovethescreen.Ugh.Then,theyworkedatbreakneckspeed.
Lina:…andI’mamess.I’mscaredandgiddy.Stupidlyhappytoo.Andhe’ssogoodtome.SogoodthatitfeelslikeadreamI’mgoingtowakeupfromwithcoldsweatstickingtomyskin.AndyouknowhowmuchIhatewhenthathappens.RememberwhenIdreamedthatIwasgettingraunchywithJoeManganielloandthefirealarminmybuildingwentoffrightashewasunclaspinghisbeltbuckle,andIwascrankyforawholemonth?
Lina:Thisfeelsamillionworldsbetterthanthatdream.Galaxiesbetter.
Itwas,andIwasn’tjusttalkingaboutthewaymybodyseemedtocomealiveunderhistouch.Hell,thatwasthesmallestpartofallofthis.
Lina:Idon’twanttowakeup,Rosie.
Rosie:Oh,sweetie
Icouldalmostfeelthehugthatwouldhavefollowedthat.
Lina:Anyway,I’lltellyoueverythingaboutittomorrow.
Thiswasn’taconversationweshouldbehavingviatextanyway.
Rosie:You’dbetterdothat.Otherwise,I’llkickyourass.
Aknockcamefromthedoor.
“Baby?”saidadeepvoicefromtheotherside.Thewordtraveledrighttothecenterofmychest.“I’mgoingtostartthinkingthatyouarehidingfromme.”
God,Isuckedsomuch.
Aaroncontinued,“Comeout,andlet’sgogetsomethingtoeat.Youpick.”
Myjet-laggedstomachgrumbledatthethought.“Evenfishtacos?”
“Especiallyfishtacos.”
Dammit.Hewasreallygoingaftermyheart.
“Okay,oneminute!”IcalledasItypedanothermessagetoRosie.
Lina:Gottago.Wearepickinguptakeout.
Rosie:Okay.Buttomorrow,youandI.We’retalking.
Lina:Sí,se?orita.
Rosie:And,Lina?
Rosie:Itdoesn’thavetobeadreamyouneedtowakeupfrom.
Withthatthought—no,withthathopebecausethatwasexactlywhatIfeltasIreadmyfriend’smessage,foolishhope—IleftmylusciousandtiledhidingspotandwenthuntingforAaron.
Ifoundhimstandinginhislivingroom,lookingouttheindustrial-stylewindowsfacingthewaterfront.
Aaron’sapartmentwasinDumbo,anareaofBrooklynIwasn’tallthatfamiliarwithbutIwasstartingtolovemoreandmore.Theplacewasincredible.Spaciousandstark,elegantbutsimple
Walkinguptohim,Ipeeredoutthemassivewindowsmyself.“TheseviewsoftheEastRiverarebreathtaking.”
“I’mveryluckytobeabletoaffordallthis,”hesaid,andhesoundedthoughtful.Morethanheusuallydid.
Turningandanglingmybodyinhisdirection,Ilaidmybackonthewindowsandfacedhim.HowcouldItellhimthatthisview—him—wasjustasbeautiful?Onesimplydidn’tsaystufflikethat.So,Ilimitedmyselftolookandsoakitallup.
Aaronstaredintothedistance,thesunlightcomingthroughtheglassofthewindowsandkissinghisskin.Hisblueeyesglintingunderthelight.
Buttherewassomethingonhismind.Icouldtell.
“Iseverythingallright?”Ireachedoutandplacedmyhandonhisarm.
Onlythendidhelookatme.“Comehere.”Inaswiftmotion,hehadmetuckedagainsthischest.Hesqueezedme,swayingus.“Better.Now,everythingismuchbetter.”
Icouldn’tdisagreewithhim.AnythingthatinvolvedbeinginAaron’sarmswasfarbetterthananythingthatdidn’t.Ilethimtugahappysighoutofme,andIrelishedinthewayhehummedwhenIsqueezedhimrightback.
Whenhefinallyreleasedme,hisgazewanderedoutofthewindowagain,butthistime,itdidwithasmallsmileonhisface.
Babysteps
Myeyessomehowendedonanindustrial-styleconsolethatperfectlycomplementedthevibeofthewindows—andtherestoftheplace.Theonlyitemsonitssurfacewereaframedphotoandwhatlookedlikeatextbook.
Feelingcuriousaboutwhowasinthatphoto,Iwalkeduptoitandpickeditup.Awoman.Abeautiful,blue-eyedwomanwithravenhairandasmileIwasstartingtoneedtobreathealittleeasier.Myheartwarmed.
Ifelthisarmcomearoundmyshoulders,andthenakisswasbrushedagainstmyhair.
Lettingmybodyfallintohim,Iasked,“Whatwasyourmom’sname?”
“Dorothea.”Ifelthisvoicerumblinginhischest,rightagainstmyback.“Sheusedtocomplainaboutitconstantly.ShemadeeverybodycallherThea.”
“Tellmemoreabouther,aboutyourfamily.”
Hereleasedabreath,andithitmyhairwithapuff.“Itwashergrandmother’sname.‘Apretentiousoldlady’sname,’mymomwouldsay.Hersideofthefamilywasverywealthybutalwaysunfortunatewhenitcametotheirhealth.Theycalleditacurse.”Hepaused,soundingalittlelostinhismemories.“WhenIwasakid,mymomwastheonlylivingmemberleft,soInevermetmygrandparents.Andwhenmymompassedaway,thelastoneoftheAbbotsbecameme.So,Iinheritedeverything.That’showIcanaffordthisplace.”
“Thatmakessense,”Imurmured.IconsideredmyselfluckytoworkforacompanylikeInTech.Forhavingagoodwagecomingineverymonth.Butthisplacebelongedtoawholedifferentkindoflife.Onewherestudioapartmentscouldfitinbathrooms.“So,youdon’treallyneedtoworkanine-to-fivejob.”
“No,butIlovewhatIdo.Evenifsomemightcallmeaworkaholiccyborg.”
Isnickered.“Oops,Ideservedthat.”
Ididn’tthinkanyoneattheofficeknewaboutthis.Aaronhadalwaysbeenso…private.Butthefactthathedidn’tneedtoworkandyetworkedharderthanthevastmajorityofuswascommendable.Itmademelovehim—
Whoa.Ishookmyhead.
“Ihavealwaysadmiredyou,youknow?AsmuchasI’vebuggedyouforbeingsopragmaticandhardheaded,Ihavealways,alwaysadmiredyou.”
“I…”Hetrailedoff,soundingatalossforamoment.“Thankyou,baby.”
MylipscurledupasIputtheframebackontopoftheconsole.“Yourmomwasbeautiful.Icanseewhereyougotyourlooksfrom.”
Aaronchuckledsoftly.“YouthinkI’mbeautiful?”
“Ofcourse.Youaremorethanjustbeautiful.Don’tsoundsoshocked.Youknowyouare.”
“Ido,butIneverthoughtyouwereallthatattractedtome.Notforthefirstfewmonthsatleast.”
Isnorted.Ifheonlyknew.Then,Ithoughtabouthowhehadphrasedit.“Whatgaveitaway?WhatchangedafterthattimethatmadeyourealizeIwasnotmadeofsteel,Mr.Oblivious?”
Hisholdonmegrewalittletighter,andthenheexhaled.“RememberthatcolloquiumInTechhostedforhighschoolersafewmonthsafterIstarted?Werealizedthereweren’tenoughchairswhenthekidsstartedfilingin.Isawyousneakingout,andsomehow,Iknewwhereyouweregoing.”
Irememberedthatday.JerkfaceGeraldhadmiscountedthenumberofattendants.“Foldingchairs.”
“Yes,youshotoutoftheretofetchthefoldingchairswekeptinstorage.”
Aaronhadappearedoutofthinairthatday,exactlyhowhealwaysdid.Then,hehadgivenmeshitaboutwantingtocarrythechairsonmyown,thatitwasn’tmyjobtodothat.
“So,whatgaveitaway?WasithowIalmostsmackedyouwithachairforbeinganoverbearingjackass?”
“ItwashowyoushiveredwhenIcamebehindyoutohelpyouwithonethathadbeenstucktoashelf.Youknow,rightbeforeyoupulledagainandwenttopplingdowntothefloor.”
Oh.Ohyeah.Irememberedthatprecisemomentexactly.
Ihadfelthisbodybehindme.Hisarmscamearoundmewithouttouchingme,andIstared—andshiveredandflushedandgottenallworkedup—athowtheyflexedunderhisdressshirtashetriedtodisentanglethatdamnchair.Ithadbeenlikeaslapontheface,howhotandbotheredthatleftme.
“Thatgaveitaway.Ijustknewthattheredspreadingthroughyourneckandcheekshadnothingtodowithyoucallingmeastubborn,heartlessrobot.”
“Didit…”Itrailedoff,uneasegrowinginmystomach.“Diditeverbotheryou,everythingIcalledyou?EverythingIsaidwhenwebuttedheads?”
Myheartraced,asIfearedhisanswer.
“No,”hesaidsimply.“Atthatpoint,Itookanythingyouwerewillingtogiveme,Catalina.”
Somethingstaggeredinmychest.
“ThestoryItoldyoursisterabouthowwemet?Iwasonlyspeakingthetruth.”
Myeyelidsflutteredshut,andIthankedtheheavensIwascurrentlyleaningonAaron,thathewasholdingmeagainsthischest,becauseIwouldhavetumbledtothefloorotherwise.
“BythetimeIrealizedhowmuchofanidiotIhadbeenbypushingyouaway,youalreadyhatedme.”
Itriedtoswallowthelumpinmythroat.“IheardyoutalktoJeff.Accidentally.”Thatknotwouldn’tgoaway,squeezingmythroattight.“Yousaidyou’dworkwithanybodyelse,anybodybutme.AndIfeltasifyouhadjustpushedmeaside.Deemedworthlessasaprofessionalbecauseyoudidn’tlikeme.BecauseIhadcrossedsomelineIhadn’tknownexisted.I…howcouldIlookatyouandnotthinkaboutitafterthat?Iblacklistedyou.”
“AndIdeservedit.”Aaronturnedmearounddelicately,flushingourcheststogetherveryslowly.Helookeddownatme.“ImeantwhatIsaid.Whenyoubroughtthatwelcomegifttomyoffice,somethingtoreinsideofme.You…distractedme.Youstolemyfocus,Lina.LikenothingIhadeverexperiencedbefore.So,Ipanicked.Irefusedtoletthathappen.WhenJeffsuggestedIworkcloselywithyou,Iconvincedhimthatitwouldbeabadidea.Iconvincedmyselfofthattoo.
“ButthenIgottoknowyou.”Aaronlookeddownatmeintently,somethingweighingbehindhiseyes,pushingme—pushingus—closerandclosertoanemotionthattookmoreandmoreroominmychestwitheverysecondIspentlookingintohiseyes.“Iwatchedyouwork,laugh,bethisbrightandkindwomanthatyouare.Andthecrackthathadopenedthatfirstdaywidened.Itonlykeptgrowing.MakingmerealizehowmuchofafoolIhadbeen.BythetimeIknewIdidn’twanttopushyouawayanymore,thatIcouldn’tdoit,itwastoolate.So,Itookwhateveryouhadformeevenifthatwashatred,antagonism,yourobviousdislike,anythingifthatgavemeafewminuteswithyoueveryday.Ifthatputmeonyourmind,evenforalittlewhile.”
“Aaron…”Itrailedoff,everythinginsideofmychest,myhead,mymemorystirringintoaloudandragingthunderstorm.“Allthistime.”
“Iknow.”
Iwatchedhisjawtwitch,hisfeatureshardeningimpossibly.
“Youletmeantagonizeyou.Allthistime,yousatthereandletmedothat.”Myvoiceshookwithemotion.Withthelossofatimethatwecouldhavehad.Butitalsoshookwiththeliethathidinmyownwords.
HadIreallyhatedhimatall?Itdidn’tseempossibleatthispoint.Hadn’tIdonethesameandconvincedmyselfofthatbecausehehadhurtme?
“Why?”Thequestionleftmylipsinawhisper,forhimbutalsoformyself.
“Becauseitwasallyouwerewillingtogiveme.AndI’dratherhaveyouhatingmethannothaveyouatall.”
Mybodytrembled;itshudderedundertheweightofhiswords.Withthetruthunderneaththeonesrisingtomylips
Love.Ithadtobelove—theuproarcausinghavocinmychest.Realizationgrewinmeasquicklyaslightninghittheground.
“Ididn’thateyou,”Ibreathed.“AsmuchasIwantedto,Idon’tthinkIeverdid.Iwasjust…hurt.PerhapsbecauseIhadalwayswantedyoutolikeme,andyoumademebelieveyoudidn’t.”
SomethingflashedacrossAaron’sface.ThespacebetweenourmouthscracklingwithelectricityandanemotionIhadnever,everfeltbefore.
“Iwantyourheart,Catalina.”Bothofhishandsrosetomyshoulders,trailingupmyneckandcuppingmyface.“Iwantitformyself,justhowIhavegivenyoumine.”
It’syours,youbeautifulandblindman,Iwantedtotellhim.Takeit.Idon’twantitanymore,Iwantedtoscreamathimandanyonethatwouldlisten.
ButIdidn’t.Ididn’tthinkonecouldbepetrifiedbypure,sheerjoy.Itneverseemedapossibility.YetthereIwas,standinginfrontofhim,justashelaidhisheartinmyhands,andallIcoulddowasstareathimwithathousandunsaidwordswaitingonthetipofmytongue.
So,Ishowedhim.Myhandsreachedforhisface,justashehadbeendoing,andIbroughthimtomylips.ItoldhimwithakissthatIwashis.Gavemyselftohimwiththoselipsthatdidn’tseemcapableofarticulatinganywords
Aaronliftedmeoffthefloorandtookmeinhisarmswithatenderness,areverencethatleftmebreathless,justhowIimaginedhimdoingwithmyheart.Mylegswentaroundhishipsashislipspartedmine,histonguetaking,governingmine.
Withlongstrides,hecrossedtheopenspaceinhisloft,carryingmeinhisarmsasneitherofuscameouttobreathe.Heplacedmeonthecountertopofthekitchen.Thecoolgranitecaressingthepartofthebacksofmythighsthatweren’tcoveredbymyshorts.
Aaron’smouthdraggeddownmyneck,histeethscrapingmyskin,finallycatchingonthenecklineofmytanktopandpullingitdownuntilrevealingmybra.Hegrunted,andIfeltthenoisereverberateagainstmyskin.
Handsonmyhipsshovedmeagainsthimwithroughness,leavingmerightontheedgeofthecounter.God,hewasunleashed.Mymanwasravenousashepulledatmytop,brisklytuggingitdowntomywaist,andthenpoppedopenmyshorts,almostburstingthezipper.Hedidn’tcare,didn’tseemtorealizehehadcomeundone.
Ididthat.Icrackedhimopenattheseams.
Thesamekindofurgencyhummedundermyskin,undermyfingertips,asIpulledathisT-shirt.Inaswiftmotion,itlayonthefloor.Thewarm,sizzlingskinofhisbarechestcameagainstmine,hishipsnestlingbetweenmylegs,asthosestrongarmsfusedmeagainsthim,mergedmewithhim.
Iwhimpered,therestofmysanityleavingmewiththesound.
Wantingtherestofhisclothesgone,Ituggedathisjeans.Desperately.JustasIarchedmyback,lookingforthefrictionIached—no,died—for,Aaronpushedhishardnessintome,pleasureshootingthroughmybody,evenwiththebarrierofourpantsandunderwear.
Ifelthimhotandthickasherockedagainstmycenter,andthatalonemademyeyelidsflutter,mytoescurl,andmyworldexplode.Hemovedagain,creatingmorefrictionbetweenus,andIsawmyselfcomingifhedidthatonemoretime.
“Again,”Itoldhim,beggedhim.
Aaron’shandspalmedmyass,thrustingmeagainsthim.Thenpushingintomeharder,rippingachainofmoansoutofme.Hustlingmeclosertotheedge.
“God,Ihaven’teventouchedyou,baby,”heraspedintomymouth.Then,hetookmylowerlipbetweenhisteethashekeptmovingagainstme.“Haven’tevenbeeninsideyouyet.”
Hishandstookcontrolofmyuselessbody,mercilesslyrockingmeagainsthim,andmyheadfellback,aprayeronmylips.
“Come,”hegruntedintomyear,ourhipsmovingagainsteachother’s.Fuckingeachotherwithourjeansstillon.“Come,soIcanfuckyoubetter.”
That—that—toppledmeover.No,itbulldozedintome.Mymindleftmybody,leavingmebehindasIburstintopure,boundlesssensation.NotevenAaron’snameleftmylipsevenifIwantedtoscreamituntilmyvoicegrewraw.Iwasspent,renderedempty.Weightless.
Hisarmswentaroundmyback,andinaheartbeat,Iwasstandingonwobblylegs.Mybackcameagainsthisfront,immediatelyfeelinghimhotandthrobbingwithneed.Thesensation—theknowledgeofhavingthepowertodothattohim—bringingmebacktolife.
Inanotherheartbeat,hebroughtmyshortsandunderweardownmylegs,helpingmestepoutandshovingthemaside.
Ifeltthewarmthofhischestonmyback,andthenhisfingersclosedaroundmywrists.“Handsonthecounter,”hedemanded,guidingmypalmstothesurface.Then,hewidenedmystancewithhisknee,rightashebrushedopenmouthedkissesdownmyspine.Hishandsgrabbedontomyhips,oneofthemtrailingdownmybarebackside.“Ishouldtakeyoutomybed.”Hekneadedmyass,andthenhispalmtraveledtomythigh.“Ishouldlayyouthereandfuckyoudeepandslow.”
Whimpering,Ipushedintohiships.Hegruntedandthenrearedback.Iheardhimunziphispants.Then,Ifelthishardlengthagainstmyass.Hemovedupanddown,andIcouldtellhehadjustpulledhimselfoutofhisjeans,hadn’tevenbotheredtopushthemdownortakethemoff.
Madness.Itdrovemefuckingcrazy.
“YouknowthetimesIhavejerkedofftothethoughtofyouonyourhands?Onyourelbows?”Hepassedhisshaftalongmyass,makingmemoaninneed.“Orbentovermykneeaftergettingallmouthywithme?”
Anothermoan,thisonesoakedwithagony.JustlikeIwasattheimageofbringinghiswordstolife.
“Oh,”hewhispered.Then,hisvoicelowered.“Soundslikeyou’dlovethatasmuchasme.”
Oneofthedrawersopenedandclosed,andthenafoilwasrippedopen.“Thistime,I’mprepared.Haveawholeboxrightthere.Ithasbeenthereformonths.”
“Aaron,”Ibeggedhim.Iwantedhimnow,orIwouldcombustintoacloudofdust.“Ineedyou.”Ilookedovermyshoulder,eyesablaze.Andsawaferalexpressiononhisface.“Now.”Itwasmyturntogrunt.
Thebackofhishanddelicatelycaressedmyjaw,andthenhispalmfellonmyback.Hepushedmeontothecounter.“Grabontotheedge,”hegrowled.“I’mgoingtotakeyoufastandhard,baby.”
Withadeepthrust,hewasseatedinsideofme.Iwhimpered,feelingwonderfully,heavenlyfull,andbeforeIcouldaskformore,forallthathehadpromised,Aaronpushedoutandthrustinagain.Webothmoaned.
Oneofhishandscamearoundmeandlandedonthecounter,theotheronefistingmyhair.I’ddissolve.IfIdidn’tcomesoon,I’ddisappearunderhisweight,undertheripplingpleasurepoolingdownmybelly.
“More,”Imanagedtosay.
Andtherhythmofhisthrustsincreased,pushingmeintothegranitesurface,hisgruntsfallingintomyneck.
Fingersgrippedmyhip.“Icangiveyoumore.”
Thathandliftedoffmyskinandfellbackwithatightslaponmybareass.Amoanlikenoothermoantoeverleavemylipsemergedfrommymouth.
“Icangiveyoumyall.”Anothersoftsmack.Pushingmedown,down,down.
“Yes,”Iwhimpered.
Truetohisword,hegavemeeverything.Hethrusthiscockintomeuncontrollably,thesoundofhishipsagainstmyassencompassingourpants.
“Comewithme.”Hisfrontfellontopofmyback,deliciouslycagingme.Buryingmewithhim.Hisfingersnowrubbingmyclit,accompanyinghisthrusts.“IwanttofeelyoucomingonmycockasIgooff.”
Onemorefrantic,desperatethrust.Thatwasallittookforbothofustodetonateintobliss.Groansequallypowerfulleftbothourmouths,ournamesblessingeachother’slipswiththem.
Aaron’shandscamearoundmymiddle,holdingontomemorethanholdingmetohim.Then,hebroughtusupward,slippingoutofme.Iturnedaroundinhisarmsandleanedmychinonhischest,andhebrushedakissonmyforehead.Anotheroneonmylips.Thenanotheroneonmynose.
“Youfeelandtastelikeyouaremine.”
Ilookedup,rightintohiseyes.“Iam.”
Justtwowords,twosimplewordsthatwereusedsooftenincasualconversationthattheyshouldn’thaveheldmuchmeaning.Buttheydid.Thosetwoordinarywordsutteredinthatprecisemomentmattered.IknewbecauseAaron’sfacelitupwiththem.Breakingintothemostbeautifulsmiletodate.Burningdownthelastofmydefenses.AndasIstaredintotheblueofhiseyes,IwatchedthosewallsofminecollapseasifIhadn’tspentallthistimebuildingthemup.
“Iam,”Irepeated,crushingthelastoftheremnantsofthewreckagewithmyhands.
Aaronkissedmeagain,sealingthosetwowordswithhislips.Addingafewmoreofhisown.“I’mgoingtoprovetoyouthatyouare.”
***
Thistimearound,insteadofhavingthetacostogo,wedevouredthemrightonthespot.Post-sexhungerdidthesethingstoyou.
“Seriously,”Isaid,insertingafingerinmymouthandsavoringthesaucestickingtoit.“I’mjustsayingthatifvampiresaregoingtomakeacomeback,theleasttheycandoissparkle.”FindingAaron’sgazeonmymouth,Iletmyhandhoverintheairandfeltthelightblushcoveringmycheeks.“Areyoulistening,Blackford?”
Hiseyesbouncedupandthendownagain.“Yes,vampires.Sparkles.”
Ifrowned.“Somethinginmymouth?”Godknewthatwithmyrecord,Ihadprobablybeentalkingwithachunkoffishorcilantrohangingoffmymouth.
Aarondippedhishead,hismouthlandingonthecornerofmylips.Then,Ifelthistonguepeekoutandwipethatspotclean.
“Notanymore.”
Mypantiesmighthavejustdroppedtothefloor,butatleastmylipswereclean—andtingly—asawhistle.
“Thanks,”Imuttered.Willingmybloodtostartcirculatingnormallyagain.Iwipedtherestofthestickysauceoffmyhandswithanapkin.“Istillcan’tbelieveyou’dbeavampireoverawerewolf,bytheway.”
SomethingelseIcouldn’tbelieveeither?Aaronhadhadthatconversationwithmewithoutbattinganeyelash.Notonlythat,buthehadseemedtoknowafairbitaboutparanormalcreatures.AndIhadquestions.
Aaronretrievedthepaperfrommygripandthrewitinatrashcanthatstoodnexttothefoodtruck.“Theyareimmortal,”hesaidasiftherewerenootherpointtobemade.
“Butyouareso…werewolfish.”
Truetomyaccusations,thoseblueeyesglintedwithahungryedge.“AmI?”
“Yes.Firstoff,youarebigandhotand—”
“Oh,I’malreadylovingthis.”Oneofhisarmscurledaroundme,tuggingmetohisside.“Pleasecontinue.”
“Getyourmindoutofthegutter.”Igrabbedhishand,liftingitintheairinfrontofus.“See?Thesearelikepaws.AndwhenIsayhot,Imean,temperature-wise,like…”Itrailedoff.Onlythinkingaboutphallic-shapedhotstuff.Dios,hadallthesexkilledoffthatmanyofmybraincells?“Yourskinfeelshottothetouch,yeah.Likea…aheated,weightedblanket.”Iturned,watchinghimfrown.“Isayitasacompliment.ImeanitinaI’dlovetogetunderyouandsnugglerightnowway.”
Thatfrowndisappeared.“Icanlivewiththat.”Hisheaddipped,andheplacedakissontopofmyhair.“Whatelse?”
“Youareloyal.”
Hehummedinagreement.
“Alsoprivate.Youkeeptoyourself.Andevenifpeoplethinkthatyouarecoldandunfriendly,it’sjustthatyouhaveastoicapproachtomostthings.Youwatcheverythingsothatyoucananticipateeverysinglethingthatcomesyourway,which,honestly,it’sreallyimpressivebutveryannoyingtoo.”Ipeekedathimovermyshoulder,findinghimlookingatmestrangely.“What?”
“Nothing.”Heshookhishead,gettingridofwhateverithadbeenthatwasmakinghimlookalldazed.Iwatchedhimcomposehimself.“Youareforgettingsomething.”
Myeyebrowsrose.“Andwhat’sthat?”
“Ibite,”hesaidbeforegrazinghisteethovermyshoulder.Then,henibbledonthesensitiveskinwheremyshouldermetmyneck.
Gigglinglikeamadwoman,Iletmybodyburrowintohisembrace.ButjustasIwasdoingso,someonecaughtmyattentionoutofthecornerofmyeye.Icouldn’tbesure,butIthoughtitwassomeonefromwork.OneoftheguysonGerald’steam,ifthatglimpseofblondhairandslendershoulderswasenoughtotellhimapart.
Apprehensionsankdeepinmybelly,killingmyfitofcarefreegiggles.
Aarondidn’tseemtonoticetheshiftinme,andifhedid,hedidn’tsayanything.
“Let’sgohome.Ihaveaweighted-blanketreputationtouphold.”
***
Truetohisword,Aaronhadcurledhisbodyaroundmineinthatgiganticanddreamysofathatwasplantedinthemiddleofhisloft.Ithadprobablybeenthemixtureofexhaustion,jetlag,andwarmthcomingoffhisbody,butasmuchasIhadtriedtofightit,Ihadpassedoutundertwominutesflatafterreturningtohisapartment.
Lookingdown,Icaughtaglimpseofabigandheftyhandtrailingupmystomach.Wewerelyingonoursides,andjudgingbythesilencearoundus,theTVwasnolongeron.AaronhadprobablyturneditoffassoonasIdriftedoff.
Longfingerssplayedalongmyfront,reachingtheundersideofmybreasts.Shiftingunderthesensationtravelingdownmybody,Iburrowedmyselffurtherintohim.
Agruntfellinmyneck.“It’sdarkoutside.”
Mygazetraveledtothemassivewindowsthatfacedthewaterfront,asifIhadneededconfirmationthatnighthadfallen.“Wefellasleep,”Isaid,returningmyeyestothosefivefingersonmystomach,mytoesalreadycurlingwithanticipation.“Ithoughtyouwantedustofightjetlagtogether,mister.”
“Idid,forawhile.”Aaronchuckled,andIfeltthesoundinmyback.Mylipsbentupasmymindpicturedhisbeautifulfacesmiling.“Butyouaresofuckingsoft,curledupagainstme.”Hishandtrailedupandthendown,andthenIwaspulledagainsthim.“Icouldn’thelpmyself.Youmademeloseperspective.”
Iturnedinhisembrace,rollingsoIcouldfacehim.Hishandfellonmylowerback,thechangeofpositionsmakingmymouthalmostcomeintocontactwithhisneck.Ilookedupintohiseyes.
“Excuseyou.Areyouputtingthisonme?”
“Never.”Hetuggedmecloseragain,ourfrontsflushtogether.
Myeyesflutteredclosed,andacontentsighleftmylips.“Wouldyoutakemetobed,AaronBlackford?”
Heneverutteredhisanswer.Instead,hepeeledhimselfoffthesofawithmeinhisarms.Wrappingmylegsaroundhiswaist,Igiggledatthesuddenenthusiasm.Withlongandquickstrides,hecarriedmeacrosshisapartment,passingthemarblekitchenislandandthenmakinghiswaydownthewideandunclutteredhallwayandstraightintothemasterbedroom.Hisbedroom.Ashotofsomethingsultrycurleditswayalongmybody.IwasabouttosleepnexttoAaron—inhisbed,wrappedinhissoftandlushlinens,myheadontheplushpillowswherehisheadhadrestedmanytimes.
AndjustwhenIwasreadytobedroppedinthatking-sizemattressthatlookedlikeadream,Iwascarriedintotheensuitebathroominstead.
Myeyestookinourreflectioninthemirror,notexpectinghowmuchIwouldlovewhatIsaw.Me,handsclaspedbehindhisneck.Me,inhisarms.Me,cheeksflushedandadazedexpressiononmyfacebecauseitwashimholdingme.Me,happy.
Aaronattemptedtoplacemeontheblack-and-whitetiledfloor.
“Nuh-uh.”Ishookmyhead,holdingontohisneckalittlecloserandkeepingmylegsaroundhiswaist.“Ilikeituphere.”
“Yeah?”Hisvoicewascoatedwithhumorbutalsowithsomethingthickandglossy.
Itightenedmygriponhim.
“Thatmuch?”
“Yep,”Iadmittedintohisneck.“Ithinkyoucancarrymeeverywherefromnowon.Walkingonmyownisnotgoingtocutitanymore.”
Hispalmsrearrangedmearoundhim,shiftingmetohisside.Hedroppedakissonmytemple.“AndIthinkIcouldgetusedtothatveryquickly.”Hereachedformytoiletrybag,openedit,andextractedmytoothbrush.Handingitovertomewithasmallsmile,hethenrepeatedtheprocesswithhisowntoothbrush.“Teethfirst,thenbed.”
Withanod,wedidexactlythat.Webrushedourteethaswelookedateachotherinthemirror,allthewhilewithmehangingoffhissidelikeaclingyandneedyspidermonkey.NotthatIcared.I’ddothiseverysinglenighttocome.Onceweweredone,hecarriedmetobed.
“Aaron,”Iwhisperedafterhetuckedmeunderhislightcomforter.Wewerefacingeachother,myhandswerebelowmycheek,andonlyourfeetweretouching.“I’mgladyoucamewithmetoSpain.”Iheardhimreleaseashakybreathasmyownwordsseepedin,althoughtheydidn’treallydojusticetohowIactuallyfelt.“Notbecauseourplanworked.I’mactuallyhappythatyouweretherewithme.I’m…morethanhappy.Idon’tthinkItoldyou,soIwantedtoletyouknow.”
Hishandcuppedmycheek,histhumbbrushingmyjawandlips.
“Areyougladtoo,Aaron?”IaskedhimasIcoveredhispalmwithmine.
“Idon’tthinkIcanputintowordsjusthowmuch.”Hebroughtmyhandtohismouthandskimmedhislipsoverthebackofit.“Andit’snotonlybecauseIsomehowmanagedtogetyouexactlywhereyouare.”
“Rightintoyourbed?”Iinchedcloser,mythighsnowbrushinghis.
Hetuggedatmyhandsomemore,encouragingmetomoveevencloser.“Yes.Butrightherewithmetoo.ExactlywhereIhavealwayswantedyou.”
Ihummed,sparksofhappinessflaringupinmychest.“Theylovedyou,youknow?”Imovedmyheadintothespacebetweentheundersideofhisjawandhiscollarbone.“Imean,Ican’tbelieveI’mgoingtosaythis,butit’skindofhardnotto.”
Iplacedakissonhisskin,wonderinghowIhadnotrealizedthismyselfalongtimeago.How…loyalandcaringandsofthewasbeneathallthatfrowningandscowling.AlthoughmaybeIhad.MaybethatwouldexplainwhyIhadbeensohurtoverhimbrushingmeaside.Overhimnotwantinganythingtodowithme.Overhimnotlettingmein.Ishookmyhead.Itdidn’tmatter.Notnow.
“Mymomhasnevertalkedsohighlyaboutsomeone.Isabeltoldmeshewouldn’tshutupaboutyou.AaronspeaksSpanishsowell.Aaronissotallandhandsome.AaronhasthebluesteyesIhaveeverseen.HaveyouseenAaronsmilingatourLinalikethat?HecameallthewayfromAmericatomeetus.Andshewasn’ttheonlyone.IwasscaredAbuelawouldtrytostealyouawayfromme,Iswear.Shewasso…enamored;itkindofgotalittleawkwardatsomepoint.”Ilaughedlightlyatthememory.“DoyouthinkI’llhavetofightmyowngrandmotheroveryou?”
Expectinghimtochuckle,Iwasshockedwhenadeepsighlefthiminstead.
Ilookedupathim,notabletodiscernmuchinthedark.“Hey,what’swrong?”
“There’snothingwrong,baby.”HisvoicewascoatedwithakindofemotionIdidn’tquiteunderstand.
Ituggedatthefabricofhisshirt,encouraginghimtotellme.
Hesighedagain.“It’sjustthat…I’veneverhadthat.Notever.Yourfamilyisso…”
“Messy?Loud?Kindofoversteppingallthetime?”
“Theyarebutinthebestkindofway.”Hepaused,hishandcomingtothebackofmyhead.Longfingersbrushedmyhairdown.“TheclosestI’veevercometothatwaswhenitwasthethreeofus,andsomehow,Iforgotwhatitwaslike.”
Mychesthurtathearingthat,andIcameevenclosertohim,wishingIcouldtakeallthatpainawayfromhim.WishingIcouldbreathealittlewarmthintohim.
“Yourfamilylovesyou,andthat’sakindofbondyoucan’tforce.It’sakindofloveonedoesn’tfindanywhereelse.Itcanbeoverwhelming,butthat’sonlybecauseit’salwayshonest.Andbeingpartofthat,evenifonlyforafewdays,meant…theworld.Morethanyoucouldeverknow.”Hislipsfellonmyhairwithafiercenessthathadn’tbeentherebefore.“Iwasn’tpretending,Catalina.Notforaminute.Itwasallrealforme.That’swhyitmeantsomuch.”
“Aaron,”Ibreathed,notreallyknowingwhattosay.Howtoexplaintheuprisinginsideofme.
“So,it’sme,theonewho’sglad.Theonewho’sfuckingrelievedyoutookmeandnotsomeoneelsewithyou.I’mtheonewho’sthankful.”
Iswallowed,tryingmybesttopushbacktheunfilteredjoythreateningtofloodmysystemandrobmeofmynextbreath.“Youdon’teverhavetothankmeforsomethinglikethat,Aaron.Youneverhaveto.”
Hischinfellontopofmyhead,andIfelthisexhaleonmyhair.“Ido,baby.Ido.”ChapterTwenty-Five
“OhmyGod,youlooklikeyoujustcameoutofasexmarathon.”
“Rosie,”Ihissed,smackingherarm.
Hercheeksturnedred,andbothherhandsjumpedtohermouth.
Wewereonthecoworkingspacefloorofthebuildingatlunchtime,somorethanafewtableswereoccupiedwithgroupsofpeopleenjoyingtheirbreak.Wehadbeenluckytosnatchonethatsatclosetothefloor-to-ceilingwindows.
Myfriendlookedaround,herhandsfreeingherlips.“Shit,I’msosorry,”shewhispered.
“It’sokay.”Isnickered.Shelookedsoflustered;itwasevencute.“Noneedtoapologize.”
“It’sjustthatyoulookallglowyandruffled.”Shekepthervoicelowandquiet.
“Youcanstopwhispering,Rosie.”
“Okay,”shewhisperedagain.Irolledmyeyes,andsheclearedherthroat.“So,youguysarenotkeepingitasecretoranything,right?”
“I…guesswearetryingtofigurethatout.”Ishookmyhead.“Butthere’sadifferencebetweennotkeepingitasecretandbroadcastingtoeverybodythatIjustgotlaid.”
“Youareright.Sorry.”Someofthepinkreturnedtohercheeks.“It’syourhair,seriously.Itlooks…”Herhandspunintheairinanoverexaggeratedway.
“It’sreallywindytoday,okay?”Ipassedmyhandsdownmychestnutlocks,tryingtotamethem.Iloweredmyvoice.“It’snotlikeweareconstantlygoingatitlikeanimals.”
Althoughwesortofwere.Wehaddoneexactlythatearlierthismorning.Justassoonasthealarmwentoff.Bothofusequallyvoraciousandgreedywitheachotherthemomentwehadopenedoureyestoatangleofarmsandlegs.
Onlythinkingabouthishandsand—
“Ohmygosh,”Rosieloud-whispered
Izeroedbackinonherandfoundhergreeneyeswidening.
“Youarethinkingofitrightnow,aren’tyou?”
Ididn’tbothertodenyit;sheknewmewellenoughtocatchmeonalie.
“Intheoffice?”shegasped.“It’sonlynoon.”
“No,”Igaspedback,althoughasparkignitedsomethinglowinmybellyatthethoughtofofficesex.Damn,amIsex-crazed?“Backathisplace.”Ishruggedmyshoulders,unpackingthebagelwehadgrabbedonourwaytowork.Itfeltweird,thinkingofAaronandmeasawewhopickeduplunchandheadedintoworktogether.No,theflutterinmystomachdidn’tsayweird.Itsaiddifferent.Light-headed,butterflies-in-my-tummydifferent.
Shesearchedmyfaceforalongmoment,makingmefrown.Then,herlipstuggedup,breakingintoasunnygrin.“Wow.Youhaveitsobad.”
MaybeIdo,Ithought,bitingintomybagel.“So,whatdidImiss,Rosalyn?”
“Nuh-uh.”Shepoppedopenametalliccontainer,revealingaricesalad,toppedwithsomegreens.“Notimetotalkaboutmyboringlifeorwork.Thingsarethesame.Starttalkingrightfreakingnow,friend.”Shedugaforkintoherfood,alittletooforcefully.“Iwantallthedetails.Anddon’tleaveoutthecheesy,swoonworthyones.”
Mymouthopenedwithacomplaint.
“Again,no.Don’tyouevendaretellmetherearen’tafewmovie-worthymomentsbecauseI’llunfriendyou.”
Ploppingmybagelonthetable,Isigheddramatically.
“Spillthebeans,CatalinaMartín.”
“Damn,sincewhenareyouthisbossy?”Iaskedherrightbeforeshepointedatmewithherforkwhilesheshotmeadaggerortwowithhereyes.“Okay,okay.”Iliftedmyhandsintheair,tookadeepbreathin,andthenstartedrecitingeverysinglethingthathadgonedownbetweenAaronandme.Keepingthenameofoursoon-to-bebossout,justincase.
Oncemyfriendwasallcaughtup—andifhershit-eatinggrinwassayinganything,shewasmorethansatisfiedwithwhatshehadheard—Isnatchedbackmybagelandresumedmylunch.
“Fuck,Lina,”shesaidthroughherear-to-earsmile.
Iflinched.“Rosalyn,didyoujustswear”—Iblinked—“whilegrinninglikeaCheshirecat?”
“Fuckyes,Idid,yougoddamnidiot.”
Jawhangingopen,Iwatchedherlookaround,liftingthefewthingswehadlyingonthetableandputtingthemrightbackwheretheyhadbeen,anunconvincedexpressiononherface.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Mythroatworked,tryingtopassdownmybagel.
“LookingforsomethingIcanthrowatyourhead,”sheanswerednonchalantly.Butthatgrinwasstillthere.
IsthisangryRosie?Itwasunsettling.
“MaybeifIdid,I’dknocksomesenseintoyourhardhead.Althoughfromwhatyouaretellingme,youarenotonlystubborn,butalsoprettydarnblind.So,really,Iamatalosshere.Ijustwanttosmackyouandseewhathappens.”
Mymouthsnappedshut.“Smackme?That’swhereyourloyaltylies,so-calledfriend?”
Sheleveledmewithalookthatimmediatelysoberedmeup.“Lina.”
AsIreleasedabreath,myshouldersfellwithdefeat.“Iknow,okay?Ideservesomeofthatsmacking.”IknewhowfuckingdumbIhadbeen.Howblindandstubborn.Iknewshewasright.ButIwasalsostartingtounderstandwhatIfeltforAaronandhowbigandscaryitwas.“Rosie,Ithink…no.IknowthatI—”
“Ohno,”shecutmywordsoff.
Andatthesametime,aheadpoppedupinmyfieldofvision.
“Hi,Rosie,Lina.Howareyouladiesdoing?”
Asofrightnow,nottoowellanymore,Iwantedtotellhim.
“Hello,Gerald,”Imutteredinstead.
Neitherofusbotheredtoanswerhisquestion.
Notthathecared,apparently,becausehestayedrootedinplace.
“So,howwasthevacay,Lina?”
Thevacay.Ithadn’tevenbeenaholiday—Ihadjusttakenthreedaysoff,forChrist’ssake—buttherewasnopointincorrectinghim.
TurninginmychairandfacinghimwithwhatIhopedwasn’tagrimace,Ibracedmyselfforafewtortuousminutesofsmalltalk.“Wonderful,thankyou.”
Hegavemeaknowingnod,followedbyablatantsmirk.Ifrowned.
“BigdaytomorrowwithOpenDay,huh?”Heleanedahandonourtable,thebuttonsofhisshirtstrugglingunderthechangeinposition.
Whydidhehavetostuffhimselfinclothingtwosizessmaller?Someoneshouldtellhim.Hedidn’tdeservethecourtesy,buttheworlddidn’tdeservethiskindofsighteither.
“Youhaveanoutfitpickedoutandall?Iknowyougirlstakeyourtime,deciding.”
Myteethgratedtogetherwiththesheereffortofnotturningthetableoverandflippinghimoff.“Yes,”Iansweredthroughmyteeth.“Now,ifyoudon’tmind,wewerehavinglu—”
“Didyouhavetroubleputtingeverythingtogether?”Geraldasked,notcaringaboutmybrush-off.
IthoughtI’dheardRosiemuttersomethingthatsoundedalotlikejerkunderherbreath.
Damn,she’srageytoday
“Alittle.Butit’sallsortednow,”Itoldhimwithaneutralexpression.
“Ibetyoumanagedtofindsomehelp.”
Thatlastword—help—thewayhehadsaidit,accompaniedbyatwitchofhiseyebrows,soundedasifitmeantmuchmorethanitwassupposedto.
Ifeltthebloodrushingoutofmyface,achillysensationslowlyadvancinginitsplace.“Yeah,Idid.”
Ihadn’tthoughttohidethatAaronhadhelpedme;therewasn’tapoint,butofcourse,thathadhappenedbeforeSpain.Now,therewassomethingbetweenus.Somethingnewandwonderfulandsoveryfragile.
“Yes,Ijustbet,”Geraldcommentedcasually.“Iguessit’saseasyasbattingyoureyelashesandaskingnicely,right?”
Cold—glacial,icycold—startedseepinginallacrossmybody.Ishuddered
“Thingsareeasyforgirlswhoasknicely.”
Myspinestiffened.Nicely.“Excuseme?”
Geraldlaughed,wavinghishand.“Oh,I’mjustchatting,honey.”
“Lina.”Myvoicewasfrosty,buthowcoulditnotbe?Thechillhadpenetrated,madeitswayintomybones.Don’tlethimgettoyou,Itoldmyself,beggedofmyself.“Nothoney.MynameisLina.”Iwatchedhiseyesroll.Anditbuggedme.Itfuckingangeredmelikeithadneverbefore.“I’vealwaysbeenverypolitetoyou,Gerald.”Mytonedrippedwithfurynow,somuchthatIalmostcouldn’tlistentothepetrifyingfearbeneathit.Threateningtocomeout.“So,I’mgoingtoinviteyoutoleaveourtable.”Ididn’twanttohearwhateverhehadtosay.IfIdid,everythingwouldquiver,shakesoviolentlythatitwouldbreak.“Idon’thavetimeforyouandyoursexistcrap.”
Hiscackletraveledacrossthewholeroom,andheadsturnedinourdirection.“Oh,honey.”
“Gerald,pleaseleave.”Rosiestoodupfromherchair,buthervoicehadn’tbeenheardbyhim.
No,amanthatworeafaceofsomeonewhowasabouttoleashoutdidn’tlistentoanybody.“Well,well,well.”Gerald’smouthcurledinagrimmock.“Lookatthat.”Heraisedhisvoice.“Getscozywiththebossandthinksshecangoaround,tellingoffpeople.Callingmestupidnames.”
Mywholeworldcametoahalt.Itsimplystoppedspinning.Allthaticyangermeltedtothefloor.Thefearroaredlikeabeastletoutofacageafteraneternityincaptivity.
Therewasasharpbeepinginmyears.Myvisionblurred.MemoriesfromapastIhadthoughtwasleftbehindcamerushingback,smackingintomewiththeforceofatruck.
Whore.Slut.Youfuckedyourwaythroughcollege.Suckedsomedicktogetthosegrades.
Ihaddoneitagain,hadn’tI?Stumbleduponthesamefuckingrock.Althoughthistime,Ihadn’tjustscrapedmyknees.Thistime,IhadgonedownwitheverythingIhad.AndIdidn’tthinkstandingbackup,brushingitoff,andmovingonwassomethingI’dbeabletodo.Notthistime.
Mycareer.AlltheseyearsIhadworkedmyassoffinafieldthatwasn’texactlyeasyforawoman.EverythingIhadaccomplished.Alllitonfirebyavilemanwhohadturnedabeautifulthing—oneIhadjustfound—intogruesomemudanduseditagainstme.
Thewarmgripofahandagainstmyarm.Delicate.Softtoo.FamiliarinawaythatwascontradictorybecauseitfeltlikeIhadn’thadenoughtimetolearn.Totattooitonmyskin,soIwouldn’tforget.
“What’sgoingon,Lina?”adeepvoicethatspokedirectlyintomyheartcamethroughthechaosinmyhead.
Mygazewanderedaround,findingpairsofeyesuponmorepairsofeyesstaringatus.Eatingitalluplikeonelookedatatrainwreck.Howmorbid.Howverysad
“Catalina?”IheardAaronsaywithgrowingurgency.
Ifinallyzeroedinonhim,asmilewantingtoclawitswayoutofmebutdyingoffbeforeitcould.“Nothing,”Ibreathedout,shakingmyhead.Wishingtowillhimawayfromhere.Ididn’twantAaronanywherenearthis.Ididn’twantGerald’spoisontotouchhim,tosplatterontohim.“Nothing’sgoingon.”
Somethinginhisfacewasscreamingatmetotouchhim,tocuphisjawandcomforthimwithsoftkisses.ButIdidn’tdoanyofthat.Isimplywatchedhowheturnedtowardmyfriend.
“Rosie,”Aaronsaid,soundingso…wrong.SounlikeAaron.“Tellmewhat’sgoingon.”
Ilookedatmyfriend,silentlybegginghernottosayaword.He’dbeenraged,andIknewAaronwellenoughtobecertainthathe’ddosomething.He’ddoanything
ButRosieshookherhead.“Geraldknows.”
Aarondidn’tneedmorethanthattoguesswhathadjusthappenedbecausehisprofilehardenedintogranite.
“Notlikeyoutwotriedtohideit.”Geraldlaughedagain,asifthiswereallabigjoketohim.“Paulsawyoutwoyesterday,buthey,Igetit.It’snotabigdeal,man.”
Everybodywaswatching,enrapturedbytheunfoldingdrama.And,God,Iwasso…wearyandwornout.Iwantedtorewindlifeandgobacktoanypointbeforethis
“Awordofadvice?Don’tshitwhereyoueat,Blackford.Wordgetsout.Especiallyifyouaresleepingaroundwithemployees.Butgoodforyou,andhey,notthatIblamehereither.Iseetheappealingettingitonwiththeboss.”
Silence.Thick,loadedsilenceengulfedus.
Then,Aaron’svoiceslicedrightthroughit.Sharpasarazor.“Doyouwanttokeepyourjob?”
Ohno
Aaron’swordshadbeenmeantforGerald,buttheyharpoonedtheirwayrightintomychest.
“Aaron,no.”Isteppedforward,myhandcomingtohisarm.
“Oh,mymistake,Blackford.”Geraldtappedhisheadwithafinger.“Futureboss,youarenotthereyet.So,Ithinkthefiringprivilegesareoutofyourreachfornow.”
Aaronshookoffmyhand,steppinginGerald’sdirection,intohim.“Iaskedyouaquestion.”Onemoreslow,heavystep,andhegotintheotherman’sface.“Doyouwanttokeepyourjob,Gerald?BecauseIcanendyou.Yourgolffriendsuptherewon’tbeabletodoasinglething,andneitherwillyourminionsatHR.”
Geraldturnedquiet,themockfallingoffhisface.
Thefrustrationatbeingsopowerless,sohelplessathoweverythinghadunraveledsooutofcontrol,broughtafamiliarpressuretothebacksofmyeyes
Ihatethis.IhateitwithallmyfuckingsoulWhydopeoplefindpleasureinbringingdownothers?Whyus?Whysosoon?
Aaron’ssneer,thewayhisbodywasallstiffandimpossiblytense,toldmethathewasabouttolosehisrestraint.
“Aaron,stop.”Myvoicefaltered.Icouldn’tcry.Iwouldn’tdothat.Notrightherewithhalfthepeopleinthecompanystaring.
ButAaronwasn’tbudging.Heremainedamarblestatue,awaitingGerald’sanswer,asifhehadawholelifetimetodoso.
“Aaron,please.”Iwilledmyvoicetoharden.Buthewastransfixed.Unmovable.“Youaremakingitallworse.”
Wasthatthetruth?Icouldn’tbesure,butitwaswhathadleftmylips.Itwaswhatseemedtomakeitthroughandhithimlikeaphysicalblow,makinghimflinch.
Iwatchedhimturnslowly,andhe—themanIhadcometoneedandwantinmylife—facedme,hurtembeddedintohiseyes.
Itbrokemyheart,puttingitthere,butwhatwasthealternative?
Ishouldhaveknownbetter.IdespisedmyselfforputtingusbothinthissituationwhenIknewfirsthandwhatcouldhappen.Anditwashappening.
Unabletotakeasinglesecondmoreofit—ofmyself,thehurtinAaron’seyes,everything—Iturnedandwalkedaway.Isawmyselfleavingtheroomandstridingacrossalonghallway.Ikeptgoing,takingturnsandclimbingdownstairswithoutacourseofdirection.Iwasonautomatic,andcoweringwasmydefault.
“Catalina,stoprunningaway.”Pure,unfiltereddesperationgovernedAaron’svoice,anditsickenedme.
Idespisedmyselfevenmoreforputtingonhimyetanotheruglything.
“Talktome.”
Ikeptwalking,notwantingtoturnandnotknowingwherewewereinthebuilding.Anemptyhallwaysomewhere.
“Catalina,wouldyoustopfuckingrunning?Please.”
Mylegscametoasuddenhalt,myeyesclosed.Iheard—sensedbecausethatwashowitworkednow;Icouldfeelthewarmthofhisbody,craveit—Aaronwalkaroundme,andwhenIopenedthembackup,Iwaswelcomedbyanangry,miserableman.
“Don’tdothis.Youhearme?”Hisvoicedidn’tcrackorwaver.“Don’tyoueventhinkofit.Iwon’tletyouquit.”
God,heknewmesofuckingwell.BetterthanIdidmyselfbecausehiswordsonlysolidifiedwhathadbeenbubblinginsideofmeinthelastfewminutes.
ButIwasfurious,somadattheworldandatmyself.“Easyforyoutosay,”Isnapped.Unfairly.ButGerald’spoisonwaseatingawayatmyskin.Blackeningeverythinginitsway.“I’mtheonewhoringoutanyway,right?You’llbrushitoffandmoveon.”
Heblinked,hisfeaturescontortingwithoutrageandpain.“Easyformetosay?I’llbrushitoff?”hehissed.“Youthinkitwaseasyformenottobreakhisfaceonthespot?Maybefuckuphismouthenough,sohecouldn’tutterawordforafewweeks?Nottofuckingendhimforbeingaworthlesspig?”
IbelievedAaronwouldhavedonethat.Iknewhewouldhave.Andthat…dissipatedmyanger,givingwaytoonlyanguish.HowcouldIeverhaveanythingforhimthatwasn’tadoration?
“Iwon’tletyoudoanyofthat,”Iwhispered.“He’snotworththetroubleyou’dgetinto.”
“Butyouare.Youareworthallthattrouble.Youareworthwalkingthroughafuckingfire.Don’tyouseethat?”Heexhaledroughlythroughhisnose,hishandcomingtomycheek,makingmeleanonhistouchonpureinstinct.“WhatevershitDanielputinyourheadaboutyounotbeingworthfightingforiswrong.Loveisworthfightingfor.AndIamnothim,Lina.Thisisnotthepasteither.”
Ishookmyhead,buthispalmheldontomyfaceharder.
“Whenthere’sarockonthewayandyoufall,Itumbledownwithyou.Wefightourwayuptogether.”
“It’snotthateasy,Aaron.”Iwisheditwere.Iwantedsobadfortheworldtobethatgoddamneasy.“Thosearejustidealistic,beautifulwords.Attheendoftheday,youcan’tprotectmefromeverything,holdmyhand,andfirewhoeverdisrespectsme.”
“MaybeIcan’t.Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotgoingtotry.WhensomeonemistreatsyouandIhavethepowertodosomethingaboutit,I’mgoingtospeakup.I’mnotgoingtowaitonthesidelinesandwatchyoutakethehitofitonyourown.”Hischestheaved,movingupanddownalmostviolently.“JusthowIknowyouwouldfighttoothandclawagainstanyonewhotriedtohurtme.Weprotectandhealeachother.That’showthisissupposedtobe.”
“Thisisnotonlylifewearetalkingabout.Thisismycareer.Yourstoo,Aaron.”
“Itis,andIwouldneverdoanythingtojeopardizeit.”
“Butwhatabouteverybodyelse?Theymight.LookatwhathappenedwithGerald.”Ifoughtthesuddenurgetoleanonhischestandbreakdown.“Whathappensfromnowon?EverytimeIaccomplishsomething,Iwillfearthepossibilityofsomeonepointingafingerandaccusingmeofsleepingmywaytoit.”
Hisjawclenched,furyseepingintohisfeaturesagain.“Thingsdon’tneedtobethatway.Geraldisnoteveryoneelse,Lina.”
Iclosedmyeyes,notabletoworkaroundthelumpinmythroat.
Aaroncontinued,“I’mnotdownplayingyourfears,baby.IswearI’mnot.Butwecan’tgiveupatthefirstsignofadversity.Wecan’tleteveryoneelsemattermorethanwedo.Notwithoutgivingusafairshot.”
Butwhatifwedon’tevengetthechanceofgivingthisashot?Iwantedtoscream.
“Ineedyoutotrustinus,inme.Canyoudothat?”
“Itrustyou,Aaron.”Ishookmyheadandsteppedoutofhisreach.“Butthisisjust…toocomplicated.Idon’tthinkIcandoit.Gothroughitagain.”Myheartwouldneverrecoverifthisdidn’twork.IfAaronfledtheshiplikeDanielhad.
Morehurtpouredintotheblueofhiseyes.“Youdon’tthen,”hewhispered,hisvoicebroken.“Ifyoumeanthat,thenyoudon’ttrustme.”
Silenceweigheddownonus.Aaron’sshoulderseventuallyfalling.
“Iloveyou,Lina.”
Acracksliceditswayacrossmypoor,beatenheartathowwrongthosefourwordssounded.Howvoidofhappinessandfullofsorrowtheywerewhentheyshouldn’thavebeen.
“Howisitpossiblethatitfeelslikeyouarebreakingmyheart,andIhaven’tevenhadyouyet?”
Mysoulshattered.Ibrokeinahundredmillionpieces.
“Ican’tmakeyoutrustmelikeIneedyouto.Withyourwholefuckingheart.”Hesearchedmyface,thoseblueeyesmissingtheirusuallight.Reflectingonlyhurt.“Ican’tmakeyourunintomyarmsinsteadofintheoppositedirection.Ijust…can’tmakeyoulovemeenoughtogiveusachance.”
Aholeopenedinmychest,mykneesalmostgivingoutattheearthbeneathmyfeettiltingthewrongway.Unbalanced.
Westaredintoeachother’seyesforalongtime,ourheartsineachother’sfistsforallthewrongreasons.Itallfeltunreal.LikeacruelnightmareI’dwakeupfromanyminutenow.
Butitneverhappened.Atsomepoint,IthoughtIheardhisphoneringing,andIwatchedhimignoreituntilitrangagain.Andagain.Then,Ithoughthepulleditoutofhispocketandpeereddownatthescreen.ButIwasn’tsure
Myheadkeptchanting,Trusthim,trusthim,trusthim,makingithardformetomakesenseofanythingelsebutthat.
Iwastrappedbymyownmind.SuckedinavacuumwhereIdidn’tgrasptimeorspace.AlthoughIdidrememberonething.AndthatwasAaron’sbackmovingawayfromme.Hislegswalkinghimdowntheemptyhallwayandhimnotlookingback.
Notevenonce.ChapterTwenty-Six
Rosiecamehomewithmethatnight.
WecurledunderablanketonmybedandrewatchedMoulinRouge!onmylaptop.Howtragic—tofindloveandseeitslipthroughyourfingersbeforeyoureyes.IalwayswonderedwhatEwanMcGregorwouldhavedonehadheknownsincethemomenthemettheloveofhislifethattheirstorywouldn’tlastmorethanonehundredthirtyminutes.Wouldhestilltakeherhandinhisandjump?Wouldhestillholdontoeverymomentleftevenifonlyafew?Wouldhestillliedownbyherside,knowingthatwhenshewasgone,thatspacewouldneverbefilledagain?
Rosiedidn’teventhinkbeforegivingmeheranswer.“Yes,”shewhispered.“Whenyoufindthatkindoflove,timestopsmattering.Comewhatmay,Lina,hewouldloveherregardlessofhowlongtheyhad.”
Then,webothbawledoureyesout.Rosiebecauseshecouldneverholditinwhen“ComeWhatMay”kickedin,andme…well,mostlybecauseIhadwelcomedtheexcuse.
So,Icried.IletthosetearsfallasIheldmyphoneinmyhand.Waitingforacall,amessage,asignthatIknewIdidn’tdeserve.Butthatwaswhatdumbchickenshitslikemedid.Theycowered,hidunderablanket,andcriedto“ElTangodeRoxanne.”
Ugh.Ididn’tlikemyselfonesinglebit.
Butcomewhatfuckingmay,I’dstillhavetolivewithmyselffortherestofmylife.FindsolaceinthelittletimeIhadsharedwithAaron.Pasttense.Becausewhenhehadaskedmetorunintohisarmsinsteadofintheoppositedirection,Ihadn’t.Whenhehadaskedmetotrusthim—inus—wholly,Ihadn’tbeencapableofdoingit,evenwhenIthoughtIhad.Andthathadpushedhimtowalkaway.
Ipushedhimaway.Iwastheonlyoneresponsibleforthat.
Fuck.Iwantedhimhere.Withme,mendingthebrokenpiecesofthismesstogether.Iwantedhimtotellmethathebelievedwecouldstillbefixed.Gluedbacktogetherandgoodasnew.
Butthatwassoselfishandsoverynaiveofme.Stupidlyso.Sometimes,asmuchaswewantedsomething,weweren’tmeanttohaveit.Tokeepit.Notwhenitcomplicatedeverythingelse.Andthisthing—lovebecausethatwasexactlywhatitwas—betweenusdid.Itcomplicatedbothourlives,thepromisesofbothcareers.
Weweretrippingeachother,makingeachotherfall,justhowDanielhadsaidallthattimeago.
We’dhavegrowntoresenteachother.Becausethatwaswhatthepoisonbornofmaliciousmouthsdid.Itinfectedeverything.AndIknewjusthowmuch.
So,yeah,afterMoulinRouge–crying-gate,thefollowingdayobviouslysucked.Itwasprobablyoneoftheworst,mostmiserabledaysIremembered,andIknewafairbitaboutthose.Idraggedmyfeetthewholeday,somehowmanagingtogetthroughtheeighttomidnightOpenDayforabunchoffacelesssuits.Namesandfacesbouncedrightoffme,andIpresentedtopicaftertopicasifeverywordwerebeingrippedoutofme.IfJeffhadbeenaroundtowitnessthatlameattemptatbeingwelcoming,accommodating,andapproachable,he’dhavefiredmeonthespot.
AndIwouldn’thavefounditinmetocare.
Thatwashowironiclifecouldbesometimes.
WhenIenteredthebuildingondaytwowithoutAaron—whichIrealizedwasmynewwaytocountdowntime—IwaitedforthewhispersofmycolleaguestoreachmyearsandtheirfingerstobepointedatmefornoreasonotherthanGerald’spublicaccusations.Bythetimetheclockhitfivep.m.—afterIspentthedaywishingI’dgetaglimpseofAaronanddreadingit,allatthesametime—nothinghadhappened.Noneofmycolleagueshadbattedaneyelashatme.Nodisgustingrumors,nonastyaccusations,nothing.NotaflashofAaroneither.
Ondaythreewithouthim,anoddkindofrestlessnessburroweditselfinme.ImissedAaron.Imissedthepossibilityofwhathadbeengrowingbetweenus,andthatstartedoverweighingeverythingelse.Itdidn’tseemsoimportantthattheincidentwithGeraldhadnotledanyonetotreatmeanydifferently.Icouldn’tfinditinmetoberelieved.Whatdiditmatterwhentherewasaholeinmychest?
ImissedAaron’sface,theoceanblueinhiseyes,hisstubbornfrown,thewayhislipspuckeredwhenhewaslostinthought,thewidelineofhisshoulders,howheeffortlesslystoodtallandbigaslifewhereverhewent,andhissmile—thatsmilethatwasjustforme.SomuchthatIsetcampinmyoffice,leftthedooropen,andwaitedforhimtowalkdownthehallwayatsomepointintheday.Ortohearhisvoiceevenifinthedistance.Thatwouldhavebeenenoughtoappeasethatneedburninginsideofme.Butnoneofthathappened.
Ondayfour,Ifinallygaveupandknockedonhisofficedoor,goingunanswered.AndwhenIaskedRosieifshehadseenhimaroundatall,shehuggedmeandsaidshehadn’t.NeitherhadHéctororthefewotherpeopleIhadsomehowfoundanexcusetoask.
ThatwasexactlywhyIwaspacingfromonecornerofthehallwaytotheoppositeoneasIwaitedtobecalledintoSharon’soffice.JustlikeIhadbeendoingathomelastnight.Orthatmorninginmyoffice.Becausehehaddisappeared.AndIhatednotknowingwhy,notseeinghim,nothavinghimaround,not…havinganexcusetocallandaskhimbecauseIhadpushedhimawayandthelastthingheprobablywantedtodowastalktome.
“Lina,darling,”Sharoncalledasherheadpeekedoutofheroffice,jerkingmebackintothepresent.“Pleasecomeinandtakeaseat.”
Followingherinside,Iletmyselffallintooneofthechairs.Iwatchedtheblondeladysitdownandleanoverherdeskwithasecretivesmile.
“Sorryaboutthewait.YouknowhowsomepeoplethinkHRhastheanswersforeverything.”Shechuckledwithbitterness.“EvenforthingslikeNewYorkCityCouncildecidingtorepavethepartoftheroadrightoutsidetheirwindow.”
Anyotherday,Iwouldhavelaughedtoo.Perhapsmakeajokeabouthowonlythefittestcouldsurvivethecitythatneversleptandalwaysclosedsomeroadtokeepyouawakeatalltimes.ButIsimplycouldn’tmustertheenergyforthat.
“I’msureitmakesupforafewawkwardconversations.”
Sharon’seyesscannedmyface,somethinglikeunderstandingdawninginherfeatures.Whatexactlyshefoundorunderstood,Ihadnoidea.
“Allright,let’scuttothechase.”
Good.Ilikedthat.JustlikeIhadalwayslikedSharontoo.
“I’vecalledyouhereinlightofsomeseriousallegationsthathavebeenmade,whichdirectlyinvolveyou.”
Somethingdroppedtothebottomofmystomach,andIfeltmyselfblanch.
“Oh…okay.”Iclearedmythroat.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
Thewomaninhaleddeeplythroughhernose,asifshewasreadyingherselfforsomething.
“Lina,”shesaid,usingatonethatIhadheardfrommyownmother—comfortingbutalsoadmonishing—“webothareawarethatGeraldknowstherightkindofpeople,andfrankly,Iwillneverunderstandhowsomeonesohorriblemanagestomakesomanygood‘acquaintances.’”Herfingersair-quotedthatlastword.“Butasmuchashehasremaineduntouchablesofar,thatdoesn’tmeanthathecan’tbeknockeddown.Forthat,however,wemustdosomething.Weshouldatleasttry.”
Ifeltmyselfnod,stilltryingtoprocesswhatSharonwastellingme.Shewasadmittingtobeingonmyside.Notonlythat,butalsoshewouldn’tremainasilentbystander.
“Ifthat’ssomethingyouwanttodo,wecanworktogetheronanemployeeformalcomplaint.Icanhelpyou.You’dneedtosignitandsubmitittous,andafterthat,I’dtrytopushforathoroughinvestigation.Iknowmanycomplaintsareignored,butmorethanafewpeoplehavingyourbackwillmakeadifference.”
Morethanafewpeople?
“What…”Itrailedoff,shakingmyhead.“Whatpeople?Idon’tunderstand.”
Sheflickedhernailsonthetable,tiltingherhead.“Afterthealtercationinthecoworkingfloor,anumberofpeoplecamebymydesktoinformmeofwhathadhappened.Halfofthemwantedtofilethecomplaintthemselves,butjustlikeItoldthem,ithastobeyou.”
“I…Ijust…”Mygazefellonmyhands,restingonmylap.Ifeltmyheartexpandingwithgratitude.Withsomethingelsetoo.Realization.“So,theyareonmyside?TheyhavespokenonmybehalfandnotGerald’s?”
“Theyare,Lina.”Sharonsmiled.“Andtheyhave.IknowpeoplelikeGeraldoftengounpunished;it’showtheworldworkssometimes.Butthatdoesn’tmeanweshouldstoptryingtochangethat,doesit?Doesn’tmeanthatwestopfighting.”
Herwordsremindedmeoftheonessomeonehadtoldme,beggedmetobelieve,onlyafewdaysago.WordsthatIhadchosentoignore.
“YoucanthinkaboutwhatIjusttoldyou.Okay?Takeyourtimetodecidewhatyouwanttodo.”
“Yeah,Iwill.”
Therewassomuchtothinkabout.Somuchtoprocess.Toanybodyelse,thismighthavebeennothingmorethanabureaucraticprocessIshouldhavethoughtofbefore,buttome?Learningthatmycolleagues—thosewhohadwitnessedeverything—wereactivelytakingmyside,itmeantsomething.Althoughitdidn’tchangewhatIhaddone.HowIhadthrownawayeverythingIcouldhavehadwithAaron.HowIhaddeniedhimoftheonethinghehadaskedofme.Myfulltrust.Myfaithinus.Andoverwhat?Hewouldhavegivenmethatmuch,andIhadjustgivenupwithoutafight.
“Andplease,”Sharonsaid,“ifyoucouldtellAarontocomebyassoonashe’sback.Ican’tseemtogetaholdofhim.”
Assoonashe’sback?
“Oh,erm,Idon’t…Ijust…”Mywordstumbledoutofme,mixingwiththequestionsspinninginmyhead.
“It’sallgood,Lina.Hewasveryclearaboutyourrelationship.Cameherefirstthingthisweektoaskiftherewasanykindofcompanypolicyorcontractclausethatwouldperhapscomplicatethings.”
Theheartbeatthathadflattened,accompanyingmeduringthesedayswithouthim,camebacktolife,peekingout.HehadcometoHRtobesurethatallfrontswerecovered.Toreassureme.Becausehe’dknownthatI’dneedexactlythat.Becausehehadwantedmetofeelsafe.
Tearsthathadn’tbeentherebeforewereinarushtogettomyeyes.
“Hey,it’sokay,Lina.Therearen’t.There’snoreasonforyouguystoworry.Nostonesintheway.”
No.Theonlyonetakingthosepossibleobstaclesonourwayandturningthemintoimpedimentswecouldn’tgetoverwasme.
“Okay,”Imuttered,willingmyeyestoholdtightalittlelonger.“That’sgood.”Nothingwasgood.NotasinglethingbecauseIhadruineditanyway.
“Allright,good.”Sharon’sblondeheadbobbed,hermotherlyeyeswarmingup.“Butplease,dotellhimtocallmeback,yes?Iknowthesearehardtimes,butit’sabouthispromotion.”
Hardtimes.Thosetwowordsechoedthroughmymind.
Sharon’searlierrequestbouncedrightback.“TellAarontocomebyassoonashe’sback.”
“Did…didAaronleave?Didsomethinghappen?”
Sharon’seyeswidened,confusionmixingupwithshock.“Youdon’tknow?”
Ishookmyhead,feelingmyskinpale.“No.”
Herheadshook.“Lina,thisisnotmyplace—”
“Please,”Ibegged,nowdesperatetoknowwhatwaswrong.Needclawingatmyskin.“Please,Sharon.Wehadafight,andIjust…messedup.Itdoesn’tmatter.Butifthere’ssomethingwrong,ifsomethinghappenedtohim,Ineedtoknow.Please.”
Shelookedatmeforalongmoment.
“Darling,”shefinallysaid,andthatalonemadeallthealarmsinmyheadgooff,“hehadtoflyhome.Hisdadis…hehascancer.Hehasbeeninacriticalstateforthelastfewweeks.”ChapterTwenty-Seven
TherewasthisshowI’dlovedwhenIwasateenager.ItwasanAmericanTVserieswegotononeoftheSpanishnationalchannels—naturally,dubbed.Iabsolutelylovedit.Highschoolerswithbigdreamsandbiggeregos—orhearts,dependingonwhoyouasked—angstyplottwists,andalevelofdramasomeoneatsixteenshouldn’thavebeenexperiencing,atleastnotinasmalltownsomewhereinNorthCarolina.OrinthenorthofSpainforthatmatter.Whichwasperhapswhyitallresonatedsomuchwithme.
Therewasthisoneepisodeinparticularthathadsomehowstuckinawayothersneverdid.Itstartedwithavoice-overnarratorwhoaskedsomethingalongthelinesof,“what’stheminimumlengthoftimewiththepowertochangeyourlife?Ayear?Aday?Afewminutes?”
Theanswertothatquestionhadcometobethatwhenyouwereyoung,onesinglehourcouldmakeadifference.Itcouldchangeeverything
AndI…wholeheartedlydisagreed.
Onedidn’tneedtobeyoungfortheirlifetochangeinthespanofanhour,ahandfulofminutes,ornothingmorethanafewseconds.Lifechangedconstantly,wickedlyfastandterriblyslow,whenoneleastexpectedittoorafteralongtimeofchasingthatchange.Lifecouldbeturnedaround,insideout,backwardandforward,oritcouldeventransformintosomethingelseentirely.Andithappenedregardlessofage,butmostimportantly,itdidn’tcarefortime.
Life-alteringmomentsspannedfromafewsecondstodecades.
Itwaspartofthemagicoflife.Ofliving.
Inmytwenty-eightyearsoflife,Ihadexperiencedfewbutverydifferentlife-alteringmoments.Somehadlastedseconds,nomorethanglimpsesormomentsinwhicharealizationdawned.Andothershadlastedminutes,hours,evenweeks.Eitherway,Icouldcountthosemomentswithbothhands.Recitethemfrommemorytoo.ThefirsttimeI’ddippedmyfeetintothesea.ThefirstmathequationI’dsolved.Myfirstkiss.FallinginandoutoflovewithDaniel.Alltheterriblemonthsafter.BoardingthatplanetoNewYorktostartanewlife.Watchingmysisterwalkdowntheaislewiththebiggest,happiestsmileIhadeverseenonher.
AndthentherewasAaron.
IthoughtIwouldn’tbeabletopickonesinglemomentwhenitcametohim.Becauseitwashim,theonethingthatmadethatspanoftimeimportant.Life-altering.
Fallingasleepinhisarms.WatchinghislipsbendintothatsmilethatIknewnowhadonlybeenforme.Wakinguptohisvoice,tothewarmthofhisskinagainstmine.Watchinghisfacecrumblingdown.Himwalkingaway.Hisabsence.
Allofthemhadleftadentinmyheart.Inme.Allofthemhadchangedme.Shapedmeintosomeonewhoallowedherselftoopenup,tolove,toneedingandwantingtogiveherselfnottoanybody,buttohim
ButasmuchasallthosemomentsthathadmademefallhelplesslyinlovewithhimleftamarkI’dneverbeabletoerase,onethatIdidn’tthinkwouldeverfade,itwasthesplitsecondwhenIhadknownIneededtogetmyselfonaplanetoSeattleandfindhim,theonemomentthatfelt…transcendental.TherealizationthatIhadlethimgotoosoon,toocarelessly.Sofoolishly.Themomentithaddawnedonme—likeablowstraighttothemiddleofmychest—thatnothingelsebesidesgoingtohimmattered.Thatnothingshouldhavestoppedmefromrunningintohisarms.Frombeingthereforhimwhenheneededsomeonethemost.
Butwasittoolate?Wastheclockstilltickingonmylife-alteringmoment,soIcouldturnitaround,orhadIlostmychance?
MyheadspunwiththatquestionforsixhoursontheflightfromNewYorktoSeattle,continuouslybouncingfromblindinghopetothedreadthatcouldonlycomefromanticipatingloss.Andwhentheplanetouchedground,Istillwasn’tsurewhethertofeelhopefulIwasclosertohimorwhetherIshouldhaveemployedthattimetoreadymyselfifAarontoldmethatitwastoolateandaskedmetowalkaway.
IthoughtaboutitsomemoreasIwaitedforataxi,drovetothefirsthospitalonmylistofmedicalcenterswithoncologyspecialistsinSeattle,andaskedinreceptionforRichardBlackford—anameIhaddugoutfromtheinternetfromwhatAaronhadtoldmeabouthimandhispast.
ThatquestionkeptwhirlinginmymindasIturnedaround,gotmyselfintoanewtaxi,andrepeatedthewholeprocesswithhospitalnumbertwo.Thenwithhospitalnumberthree.
AndrightasmykneesalmostdoubledwithamixofreliefandtrepidationatfinallyhearingthenurseatthecounterofhospitalnumberthreeaskifIwasfamilyorfriend,thatquestionthatwasstuckinmyheadwasstillscreamingatmetobeanswered.
ItstillwasnowasImademywaytothewaitingroomonwhatwouldsoonbecomethelongestelevatorrideofmylife.
DidIthrowitallawayoutoffearandstupidity?AmItoolate?
So,whenthepolishedandmetallicdoorsfinallyopened,Istumbledoutoftheelevatorlikesomeonewalkingoutofaninterminableroadtrip.Limbsnumb,skinstickywithdrysweat,andthesenseofnotknowingwhereyouwere.Mygazeanxiouslyscannedthespacealongthehallwaybeforeme,allthewaytothewaitingroom,whereIhadbeentoldhe’dprobablybe—myAaron,themanwhoIhadtogetto,togetback.Andthere,rightthere,sittingonachairthatbarelyaccommodatedhissize,wasmyanswer.
Withhisarmsonhiskneesandhisheadhanginglowbetweenhisshoulders,therewasmylife-alteringmoment.
AndIrealizedasIstaredintothedistance—myheartfeelingasweightlessandhollowaseverwhenIsawhimthere,alone,withoutme—thataslongasIhadhim,mylife-alteringmomentwouldneverbeameasurementoftime.ItwouldneverbeassimpleasmarkingafewpointsinthetimelineofmylifethatIcouldidentifyastranscendent.Itwashim.Aaron.Hewasmymoment.AndforaslongasIhadhim,mylifewouldconstantlybechanging,bealtered.I’dbechallenged,cherished,loved.Withhim,I’dlive
AndI’dfightforthat.I’dfightforhimlikeIhadn’twhenheaskedmeto.Iwouldn’ttakenoforananswer.Hewasstuckwithme.JustlikehehadpromisedmeinSpain,infrontofthepeopleIlovedthemostinthisworld.I’dprovethattohim.
“Aaron,”Iheardmyselfsay.Letmebeyourrock.Thehandthatholdsyours.Yourhome
Myvoicewasbarelyawhisper,toolowandquiettomakeitallthewaytowherehewas.Butsomehow,itdid.Itreachedhim.BecauseAaron’sheadsnappedup.Ashesatinthatrigidplasticchair,hisbackstraightened,andhisneckturnedaround.Icouldseethedisbeliefinhisprofile,asifhethoughthemusthaveimaginedmecallinghisname.
ButIhadn’t.Iwasrighthere.Andifheletme,Icouldtakecareofhim.Iwouldcaresshisbackwhilehesatinthedullandimpersonalwaitingroom,brushhishairwithsoothingfingers,andmakesureheateandslept.I’dcomforthimwithhugsandbetheshoulderheleanedhisforeheadonashegrievedthedadhemightlosesoon.Theonewhohadmissedsomuch,theoneIknewAaronfeltlikewasalreadygone.
HisgazescannedthespacethatseparateduswiththesheerdeterminationIknewonlyhewascapableof.AndI’dneverknowwhy,butIwaited.Iheldverystillasheswipedaround.Andthen,afterwhatfeltlikeaneternityandatthesametimenotenoughtimetopreparemyself,blueeyeslockedwithmine.Myhearttoppledoveritself,andIfeltthecommotioninsidemychest.
Iwatchedhislegsstraighten,bringinghimup.
Then,hislipspartedwithmyname.“Lina.”
Itwasn’ttheLinainsteadofCatalina.Itwastheanguishinhisvoice—theneed,thewayhishairwasruffled,thebagsrestingunderhiseyes,thewrinklesinhisclothesthatscreamedtheyhadn’tbeenchangedinacoupleofdays—thatpropelledmeforward.Mylegssprintedacrossthathallwaythatseparatedusliketheyhadneverrunbefore.Towardhim,rightintohisarms.Justhowhehadaskedmeto.AndwhenIreachedhim,Ilaunchedmyselfathim.Ilockedmybodyaroundhis.
Itwasn’tappropriate.Itwasn’tthetimeortheplace,andhewascarryingsomuchonhisshouldersalready.Therewassomuchweneededtotalkabout,butitwasright.Iknewitinmybonesashisarmsclosedaroundme.
Heliftedmeoffthefloor,squeezedmeintohischest,heldmeinhisarms
IburiedmyfaceinhisneckasIkeptmurmuringintohim,“I’mhere.I’mhere.I’mrunningtowardyou.Itrustyou.Iloveyou,”hopingitwasn’ttoolate.
Andhekeptrepeatingmyname.“Lina,baby.Lina,areyoureallyhere?”Hushedandbroken,soundinglikehestilldidn’tbelieveitwasmeinhisarms.ThatitwasmewhohadfinallycometohimlikeIshouldhavedonedaysago.
No.LikeIshouldhavedoneaneternityago.
Aaronwalkedbackward,sittingbackdownasheheldmeinhisarms.AsIheldhimintomine.Mybodycurledintohislap,andhispalmcuppedthenapeofmyneck.
“I’msosorry,Aaron,”Ibreathedintotheskinbetweenhisshoulderandtheundersideofhisjaw.“Foreverything.Foryourdadandfornotbeinghere,byyourside,earlier.Howishe?Haveyouseenhim?”
Ifelthisthroatswallowagainstmytemple.
“He’s…”Aaronshookhishead.“Ihaveseenhim,buthe’sbeenoutofitallthistime.Ijust…”Hetrailedoff,soundingexhausted.Defeated.“Areyoureallyhere,baby?”herepeated,holdingmetighter.“Oristhismyimaginationplayingtricksonme?Ihaven’tsleptin…Idon’tknowhowmanydays.Two?Three?”
“I’mhere.I’mrighthere.”Iliftedmyheadandmoved,soIcouldcuphisface,takeagoodlookatthatfaceIhadbeensosetondespisingandnowlovedsomuch.“AndI’mgoingtotakecareofyou.”
Hiseyesflutteredclosed,andIheardastrangledsoundcomingfromhisthroat.
“Iloveyou,Aaron.Youshouldn’tbealone—ever.AndIamtheonemeanttobewithyou.Here.Holdingyourhand.”
Hiseyesremainedclosed,hisjawpressedtightly.
“Letmedoit.LetmeprovetoyouthatItrustyouandthatIcanearnyourtrustback.ThatIamtheonewho’ssupposedtobebyyoursiderightnowandaslongasyou’llletme.”
“Youwanttodothat?”
“Yes,”Irushedoutquickly.“Yes,yes.OfcourseIwantto,”Irepeated.“Ineedto,”Iwhispered,nottrustingmyvoice.“Letmebehereforyou.Takecareofyou.”
Hiseyesopened,ourgazesconnecting.Afteralongmoment,apainedchucklerosetohislips.“Youdrivemesofuckingcrazy,Lina.Idon’tthinkyouunderstand.”
OneofhishandslatchedontomywristasIstillcuppedhisfacedesperately.Iwasreadytofight.Iwasreadytobegifitwasnecessary.
“Youcameallthewayhere.You…”Hetrailedoff,disbeliefcrumplinghisface.“Howdidyouevenfindme?”
“Ihadtocometoyou.”Myfingerstraileddownthesideofhisneck,mypalmsettlingagainstthewarmskin.“Irememberedeverythingyou’dtoldme.AboutSeattle,yourdadbeingsomewhatknownhere.So,IGoogledyourlastname,theuniversityfootballteam,thecoachingstaff.Then,Ilookedforalistofhospitalswherehecouldhavecheckedin.Iknewyou’dbeherebecauseyouwouldn’tleavehissideifhewasincriticalcondition,likeSharonhadtoldme.Andyouhaven’t.Youarehere.Itonlytookmeafewtries.IwouldhaveturnedthecityupsidedownifIhadn’tfoundyou.Iwouldn’thaveresteduntilgettingtoyou.”
Ifinallyallowedmylungstotakeinabreath.AndIfoundAaron’seyesshiningwithsomethingthatmademychestacheinawarmandwonderfulway.
“Ididcallyou,butitwentstraighttovoicemail,andthenIjust…didn’twanttobusyyourheadwithanythingelse.And…”Myvoiceloweredtoawhisper.“AndIdidnotwanttogiveyouachancetotellmenottocome.Iwasterrifiedyouwouldn’twantmeto.So,Ididn’tcallagain.Ijustcametoyouinstead.”
AshudderrockedAaron’sbody.
“Youblowmygoddamnmind,myrules,myworld,”hebreathed,thoseocean-blueeyescapturingmygazeliketheyneverhadbefore.“WhenIleastexpectit,Ifindyoureadytodynamiteyourwayrightintomyheart.Asifyouhadn’tdonethatalready.”Thegripofhisfingersonmywristtightened,pullingmetohim,andIcouldfeelthesoftairleavinghismouth,fallingonmylips.“Asifyouhadn’talreadydismantledmeforanybodyelse.AsifIwasn’tatyourmercy.”
Hope,warmandsofthope,fellovermyshoulders.“Ihavedoneallthat?”
“Youhave,Lina.”
Aaron’sforeheadfellonmine,andIhadnochoicebuttoclosemyeyes.Totakeitallandcontrolthiswhirlwindofemotionthreateningtoturnmeinsideout.
“Witheverysmile,youhavedoneexactlythat.”Ifelthislipsbrushingoverminebriefly,sendingashiverdownmyspine.“Witheverysingletimeyouhavebeeninfuriatinglystubbornandimpossiblybeautiful,allatonce.”Heplacedakissonthecornerofmyeye.“Witheverytimeyouhaveshowntheworldhowincrediblystrongyouare,evenwhenyoudon’tbelievesoyourself.”Akissonthetipofmynose.“WithallthewaysyourmindamazesanddisturbsmeinwaysI’llneverunderstandandnotevertireof.”Hislipslandedonmycheekbone,flickingacrosstheskin.“Withhoweverysingletimeyoulaugh,IwanttothrowyouovermyshoulderandrunsomewhereIcancovetthatsoundjustformyself.”Akisswasbrushedonmyjaw,hislipsthensweepingalonguntilreachingmyear.“Andwitheveryotherunfathomablewayyouhavemademecompletelyyours.”
“Yours,”Irepeated,myheartexpandinginmychest.Lurchingitselfagainstmyribcage.WantingoutandintoAaron’s.“I’myourstoo,Aaron.Socompletelyyours.Ihave…falleninlovewithyou.Idon’tknowhowithappened,butitdid.Iloveyou.”Ididn’trecognizemyownvoice,notwiththeloudthumpinginmyears.“Iwassostupidtoletyouwalkaway.So,sodumb.ButIgotlostinmyhead.Iwassoscared,Aaron.Ididn’twanttoloseeverythingIhadworkedsohardfor.Tohavepeoplelookatmeliketheyhadallthoseyearsago.Toloseyou,too,whenyourealizedthatIwasacomplication.”
“You’dneverbeone.”
“Iknowthatnow,butIsomehowconvincedmyselfthatlettingyougowasthebestthingIcoulddotoprotectmyselffromthathappeningagain.”Ishookmyhead,pushingthatdreadfulemotionoutofmychest.I’dtellAaronaboutSharonandtheinvestigationonGerald.Butnowwasn’tthetime.
“I’msorryfornotbeinghereforyoulikeIshouldhave.”
Helookedatmelikehedidn’twantmyapologies,butIdidn’tlethimtalk.
“Iam.”Myvoicewavered.“Knowingthatyourdadwassickandyouwereallthewayhere,alone.Takingitallwithoutanyonetoholdyou.Thathehasbeencriticalforweeks,andyetyoucametoSpainwithme.Thatyou…”Itrailedoff,myvoicenowshaking.“Thatyouwouldgivemesofuckingmuchwithouteveraskingforanythinginreturn.Itdestroyedme.ButI’mherenow,”Iwhispered,lookingintohiseyes.
“I’mhere,andI’mnotgoinganywhere,notbecauseIbelievethatwecansomehowbetogethernow,butbecauseIcan’tconceiveofbeinganywhereelsebutbesideyou.”Iswallowedhard,tryingtoreinineveryemotionthreateningtoburstout.“Youknowthat,right?”Ileanedin,mylipsbrushingoverhis.Verysoftly,almosttentatively.Waitingforhisanswer.
“Idonow.”Alowgruntcamefromhisthroat.Hisfingerstightenedoncemorearoundmywrist.Thearmaroundmywaistbroughtmeevendeeperintohischest.“Ido,Lina.AndIdon’tplanonlettingyouforgetthat.”
Thehandthathadbeenonmywristtrailedupmyarm,hispalmcuppingmyface.Ileanedintohistouch,feelinglikeIcouldliveonlyonAaron’scaressesandkisses.
“Iwouldhavecomebackforyou,youknow?ItoldyouIwouldn’tletyouquitonus.Youstillowedmethatfour-letterword.”
Hehadsaidthat.Andtherealizationmademystomachdroptomyfeet.HowdumbIhadbeen.Aaronhadn’tgivenuponus;thathadbeenonlyme.Onlytemporarily.WhileAaronhadbeenholdingontothis.Tous.Allthistime.Evenwhenheneededsomeonebyhissidethemost.Andthat…thatmadetheheartinmychestburstintoahundredmillionpieces,onlytoreassembleintosomethingdifferent.Somethingthatdidn’tbelongtomeanymore.Itbelongedtous.
“It’syours.Loveandalltheotherfour-letterwordsIcouldevergiveyou.”Iplacedakissonhismouth,notabletoholdmyselfbackanylonger.Itookmytimewithhislips,claimingthemasmine.Claiminghim.
Ahumsoundeddeepinhisthroat.“Youarestuckwithme,Catalina.”
Botharmscradledmecloserinhislap,furtherintohischest.Thesideofmyheadrestedagainsthisdrummingheart,hischinonthetopofmyhair,andpeace—anoverpoweringkindofpeaceIhadneverheardoforexperiencedbefore—settledbetweenmyshoulders.AndIknewthenthatwe’dtakeanythingonaslongasweweretogether.Wewereateam.We’dlightupeachother’sway,holdeachother’shand,andpushtheotherforwardwhenwestumbled.Together.We’ddoanythingtogether.
Justlikewewouldgetthroughthis.I’dgetAaronthroughthis.
“Aaron?”Iliftedmygazeandmethis.“I’mhereforyounow.I’mgoingtotakecareofyou,”Itoldhimsimply.
Hesighed;itwasdeepandslow,anditsoundedlikehecarriedtheweightoftheworldonhisshoulders.
“ButjustknowthatifIhadknownyourdadwassick,IwouldhaveneverletyoucometoSpainwithme.Whydidn’tyoutellmewhenyoutalkedabouthim,Aaron?Iknowyoudon’towemeanexplanation,butIwanttoknow.Iwanttounderstandbetter.”
“Becauseeverything…changed.”Histhroatworked,andhisgazetookonalostedge.“Hehasbeenbattlingcancerforthelastyear.Ironichuh?First,Momandnow…”Aarontrailedoff,needingasecondtocomposehimself.“Untilafewdaysago,Ihadplannedonremainingaway.Leavethingsthewaytheywerebetweenus.EvenwhenIflewhomeafewweeksago.”
“Youdid?”
“Yes,itwasaftermypromotionwasannounced.Thatwaswhatkeptmefromtalkingtoyouaboutourdeal.”
IhadnotnoticedAarontakingdaysoffbackthen,althoughworkhadbeencompletelycrazy,soIguessedIhadbeendistracted.Butitallmadesensenow
“Iwouldhavetalkedtoyoueventually.Iwouldhavemanagedeitherway.”
“Thatdoesn’tmatternow,baby,”Itoldhim,meaningeveryword.
Hesigheddeeply.“So,IcameallthewaytoSeattle,butIcouldn’tbringmyselftotalktohim.Toadmittomyself,toshowhimthatIstillcaredwhenhehadpushedmeawayallthoseyearsago.WhenhewasthefatherIhadalreadylost.”
Myfingersdrewcirclesonhischest,rightabovehisheart.“Whatchangedthen?”
“Everythingdid.”Heexhaled,anditcameoutshakyandpained.“I…IsomehowthoughtIhadyou,andthenjustasquickly,Ididn’t.AndasmuchasIwassetonnotlettingyouquitonme,Isawitinyoureyes.Youhadreallygivenuponus.Youbelievedinyourdecision.”
Ashadowcameoverhisface,andIinstinctivelyleanedtoplaceakisstothecornerofhislips,dissipatingthattemporarydarkness.
“ThepossibilitythatIcouldreallyloseyoustartedsolidifyinginmyhead.AndIjust…”Heshookhishead.“God,it’snotthesame,Iknow.ButIfinallygotit.Iunderstoodhowhardit’dhithim,losingMom.Howlosthemusthavebeenattherealityofnothavingawaytogetherback.Howmanyrecklessdecisionshemusthavetaken.Itdidnotjustifythathepushedmeaway,butIamtoblametoo.IhadbeensolostinmyownheadthatIlethimdothat.AndthenIallowedbothofustokeepitonforyears.”
“Neitherofyouisatfault,Aaron.Wearenotprogrammedtolosethosewelove;there’snorightorwrongwaytogrieve.”Myhandtraileduphischest,mypalmsettlingagainsthiscollarbone.“Wejusttryourbest,evenwhen,often,ourbestisnotgoodenough.Blamingyourselfnowisnotgoingtochangethepast;it’sonlygoingtotakeawayenergythatyoushouldbespendinginthepresent.Andlookwhereyouarenow;youarehere.It’snottoolate.”
Hebrushedakissovermyhead.“Thatday,wheneverythingwithGeraldwentdown,Igotacallfromthehospital.Theytoldmethatthingsdidn’tlookwellforhim.Apparently,mydadhadaskedforme.Severaltimes.DemandedthatIhadtobecontacted.”Hisvoicetrailedoff,andIletmyfingersplaywiththehairatthenapeofhisneck.LettinghimknowIwashere.Listening.Havinghisback.“It’slikeeverythinglinedup,andsuddenly,notonlydidIunderstandhiminawayIhadn’tbefore,butIalsohadthisurgetoseehim.Nottoapologizeortomendthingsbetweenus,buttoatleastsaygood-bye.AndIknewthiswasprobablymylastchancetodothat.”
“Didyoudothat?Saygood-bye?”
“ThemomentIgothere,Iwentintohisroomwiththeintentiontodothat.Saygood-bye,walkout,andjustwait.ButI…somehowendeduptalkingtohim.TellinghimeverythingIhadn’tsaidinalltheseyearswewereapart.Hewasn’tconscious.Ican’tbesureifhewasevenlistening,butIjustwenton.Icouldn’tstop.Italkedandtalked,Lina.Toldhimeverything.Idon’tevenknowhowlongIwasthere.AndIdon’tknowifitwasfornothingbecausemaybenotawordwasgettingthroughtohim,butIdiditanyway.”
“Youdidgood,amor.”Ibrushedmylipsagainsttheskinofhisneck.“Youdidsogood.”
Aaronmeltedalittlemoreintome,intomytouch.“Theytoldmeafewhoursagothatheseemstobedoingabitbettertoday.Thathemightgetmoretime.Theydon’tknowifit’sdays,weeks,ormonths.Buttheyarehopeful.”Hischestdeflated,thearmsaroundmelosingthatdesperateedgethey’dhadawhileago.“Iamhopefultoo.”
Avoicecomingfromsomewhereontheothersideofthewaitingroomreachedus.Burstingthebubblewehadbeenin.“Mr.Blackford?”
Webothturnedandlookedover.Anursestoodafewfeetaway,hissmiletrainedtobepoliteandcalming.
“Yes,”Aaronsaid,hisbackstraighteninginthechair.
“He’sfinallyawake.Youcanseehimnow.”Thenurseslippedhishandsinthepocketsofhisscrubs.“Onlyafewminutes,okay?Heneedstorest.”
Disentanglingmybodyfromhis,IplacedbothfeetonthefloorandstoodinfrontofAaron,makingspaceforhimtowalktothenurse.Hefollowedsuit,hisheadstillturnedtowardtheentranceofthewaitingroom.
“Okay,yeah,”hesaidalmostabsently.Butbeforeheevensteppedaway,helookedatme.“Comewithme,please?”
Myheartskippedabeatjustthen,theanswersoundingloudandclearinmyhead.I’dgoanywherewithyouifyousomuchasasked.“Yes,ofcourseIwill.”
Ididn’twaitforhimtostretchouthishandandtakemine.Ididthatmyself.AndIkeptmyholdtightandasreassuringasIpossiblycouldaswefollowedthenursetotheroomwhereAaron’sdadwaited.Westeppedin,andIdidnotknowwhattoexpect.PerhapsIshouldhavereadiedmyselfonthewaytotheroom,andtherealizationthatIhadn’tmadeapartofmybravadoscatteraway.ThiswastheonlylivingfamilyAaronhadleft,andIwasabouttomeethim.AndI…Isuddenlytumbledalittleundertheimportanceofthemoment.Iwisheditcouldhavebeenunderdifferentcircumstances,thattherewasmoretime,orthatIwassureaboutwhattosay,howtohandlethissituationsoeverythingwentaswellasitcould.
Buttherewasn’ttime.Thiswaswhatwehad.WhatAaronandhisdadhad.Andevenifalittlescaredoruneasy,IwashumbledthatAaronwantedtoshareitwithme.
“There’ssomeoneheretoseeyou,Richard,”thenurseannouncedintotheroomandthenlookedoveratus.Hissmileinchedup.“I’llbebackinafewminutes,okay?”
Aarontookastepforward,andIremainedalittlebehindhim.Lettinghimhavethismomenttohimself.
“Son,”themanperchedonthebedsaidinaraspyvoice.
IlookedoverathimandfoundtheghostofthefeaturesIknewsowell.Thehardjaw,thewaybothbrowsmet,thatintentandconfidenceaboutthem.Itwasallthere,althoughfadedandworn.
“Youarestillhere,”Aaron’sdadsaid.AndIcouldhearthesurpriseinhistone.
“Dad,”IheardAaronanswer,andthegripofhishandonminetightened.“OfcourseI’mstillhere.Andthere’ssomeoneI’dlikeyoutomeet.”
BlueeyesthatlookedinourdirectionfromthebedtrailedbehindAaronwithcuriosity.
“Hi,Mr.Blackford.”Ismiledathim,feelingAaron’shandleavemineandfallonmyshoulders.“I’mCatalina,andI’mhappytofinallymeetyou.”
Aaron’sdaddidn’treturnthesmile,notcompletely.Buthiseyestoldadifferentstory.JustlikeIhadseenhissondosomanytimes.Allunderlockandkey.“CallmeRichard,please.”Hisgazesearchedmyface,somethingakintowonderslowlyseepingin.“Isthisher,son?”
Thequestioncaughtmebysurprise,andsoIglancedbackatAaron.Ifoundhimstaringathisdadwithamirroringexpression.Then,hisprofilesoftened.
“Iwasn’tsureyouwerelistening,”hesaidalmostabsently.Then,hisarmbroughtmeclosertohim,asiftuckingmeintohimwerenothingmorethanareflex.“Yes,thisisher,”heansweredlouder,andmybreathhitchedinmychest.“ThewomanItoldyouallabout.”
Aaronlookeddownatme,hiseyesshiningunderthefluorescentlightoftheroom.
“YourThea,”IheardRichardsay,emotioncoatinghisvoice.
Thea.Thathadbeenhiswife’sname.Aaron’smom.
Ipeeredinhisdirection,findingthatsmilehehadhiddenearlier.Itwassmallandweak,butitwasenoughtomakeminebreakfreeinreturn.
“Holdontoher,son.Foraslongastimeletsyou.”
“Iwill.”Aaron’swordsbrushedtheskinonmytemple.
Ilookedupathim,findingthoseblueeyessmilingdownatmewithadevotionIhadneverexperiencedorimaginedbeingonthereceivingendof.WithawarmththatIcouldfeelrightinthemiddleofmychest,poundingandexpandingwitheverypassingsecondIspentunderhisgaze,byhisside.Aaronlookedatmewithaworldofpossibilitiesshiningbrightanddazzlinginhiseyes.Apromise.
“ThisisthewomanIplanonspendingtherestofmylifewith.I’mnotlettinggoofheranytimesoon.”EpilogueOneYearLater
“Catalina.”Thedeepvoicethathadluredmetosleepandignitedeverycellinmybodycountlesstimesinthelasttwelvemonthsreachedmyears.
Mypendroppedfrommymouth,smackingtheglossysurfaceoftheoakconferencetable.
“Catalina,I’mgoingtoneedananswer.”
Mybackstraightenedinmychair,mygazemeetingapairofblueeyesasIclearedmythroat.Shit.Itotallyspacedout.“Yes,yes—ahem.Ananswer.Comingrightup,Mr.Blackford,”Irushedout.“Justmentallyrecapping.”
Iwatchedthecornerofhislipstipup,hiseyessimmeringwithanemotionIwasmorethanfamiliarwith.Myheartskippedabeat.Because,apparently,I’dnevernotreacttothisman’ssmile.Nomatterhowsmallitwas.
“Rosie,ifyoucouldmaybeassistCatalinaasshementallyrecaps,”hesaid,cockingabrow.“Weallhaveplacestobe,andI’dappreciatebeingthroughwiththismeetinginthenextfiveminutes.”
“Ofcourse,”mybestfriendandnewteamleaderofourdivisionagreedfrommyright.“I’msureLinawasbeingverythoroughwiththenotesshewastaking.”
“Yep,Iwasdoingexactlythat,”Iconfirmed,lookingoveratherandfindinghercheeksflushed.
Webothstillsuckedatlying.
Isentherawobblysmileandmouthed,Thanks
IheardAaron’sdeepexhale.
Impatientandsexyblue-eyedgrump.HewasluckyIwasheadoverheelsinlovewithhim.
“AaronwassuggestingthatperhapsnowthatLindaandPatriciaarebackfromtheirmaternityleaves,someonefromyourteamcouldtransfertoHéctor’s,”Rosieexplained,herfingersfumblingontopofheropenplanner.“JusttotemporarilycoverthevacancyIleftnowthatI’mleadingGerald’steamafterhis…departure.”
AfterthetediousandlengthyHRinvestigationSharonhadpushedforunearthedmorethanafewsexualmisconductinstances,Geraldhadbeenfinallylaidoff.Aaron,ourdivisionleaderandownerofmyheart,hadn’thesitated,andthemomentGeraldhadwalkedoutofInTech,Rosie’snamehadalreadybeenonthetableforthatposition.Beforeweknewit,wehadbeencelebratingherpromotion.
“Doyouthinkwecanmakethatwork,Catalina?”myfuturehusbandasked.Notthathehadproposed,notyet.
AsmuchasIhadthesuspicionhewouldsoon,perhapsI’dbetheoneputtingaringonhimbeforeheeverdid.Iwasimpatientlikethat.
“Onehundredpercent,”Ianswered,scribblinganoteonmypad.Thistimeforreal.“I’llmakesuretomovearoundafewpeopleandseewhocansupportHéctor’steam.”
Theoldmansighed.“Thanks,Lina.NoonewillbeabletofillRosie’sshoes,notreally.”Hisshouldersbunchedashesmiledsadly.“ButIknewforawhilethatI’dlosehersoonanyway.”Heshrugged,hissmileturningbrighterashelookedatmyfriendandhisformerteamintegrant.“I’msoproudofyou,Rosie.”
“Thankyou,”Rosiesaid,emotioncoatingherwords.Sheclearedherthroat.“Now,stopit.Cryingonmyfirstdivisionmeetingwouldbehighlyunprofessional.”
Anotepadwassnappedclosedbriskly.“Allright,I’llconsiderthatdone,”Mr.Grumpsconcluded.Ilookedathimjustintimetoseehimcheckingtheclockbehindme.“Meetingwrappedup.Have—”
“But,Aaron,”Kabircalled,hisvoicedancingwithtrepidation,“whatabout—”
“Sorry,butI’mofficiallyonvacation.”Aaronslicedhishandthroughtheair.
Yep,webothwere.Justhalfaday,butithadtakenmesomeconvincing,soIcalledthatasuccessanyway.
“ItwillhavetowaitforMonday.Haveagreatweekend,everyone.”Hepushedbackthechairandstoodup,giftingmewithaviewofhiswholetorso.
Iinternallysighed.Happily.Allmine.Allofthatwasjustformeandformytaking,andwhatwasevenbetter,thatstrongandresilientheartbeatinginsidehishardchestwithloyalty,selflessness,andintegritywasallminetoo
“Catalina?”
Snappingoutofmytemporarytrance,Istraightened,too,gatheringallmythingstogether.“Coming,coming.”
IwalkedtowhereAaronwaswaitingforme,rightbythedoor.
Heloweredhisvoice.“Youareawfullydistractedtoday.”
Aretortwasreadytoleavemylips,butthewayhelookedatme,withthatbrandofdeepconcernthatmeltedmyheart,killeditbeforeitcouldevercomeout.
“Youareawfullydistracting,”Isaidjustforhim.
Hiseyesglazedover,andIcouldseehowhewasstoppinghimselffrompouncingonme.Butwewereatourworkplace,andwewerealwaysmeticulouslyprofessional.Notbecauseweneededto,aseveryoneknewandrespectedourrelationship,butbecausewehadmadethatchoice.
So,Iswitchedtoasafertopic.“I’malsoalittlenervous.”
“Iknow,”headmittedaswemadeourwaydownthehallway,carryingthepackedlaptopbagswehadbroughttothemeeting.“Ourluggageisalreadyinthecar,sowe’llmakeittotheairportjustintimetopickthemup.”
Weenteredtheemptyelevator,Aaronplacinghimselfclosebesideme,ourarmsbrushingsoftly.
“Icheckedearlier,andtheirflightwilllandasscheduled,”hesaidasthemetallicdoorsclosed.
“Thanks,”Ibreathedout,unconsciouslyinchingclosertohim.“ButI’mstillalittleanxious.It’stheirfirsttimeintheUS,andeveryoneiscoming.That’salotofMartínsinanaircraftforeverythingtogosmoothly.WhatiftheflightwastoomuchforAbuela?WhatifPapáforgotthemedicationforhistension?Youknow,IhadtoFaceTimehimtoexplaintohimhowtosetareminderonhisphone,sohewouldtakeit,buteventhatway,heprobablysnoozeditandforgotaboutthattoo.AndI’mscaredofwhatMamápackedinhersuitcase.RememberItoldyouthatonetimeshewantedmetobringbackawholepatadejamóninmycarry-on?That’salegofapig,Aaron.Whatifsheiscarryingsomeillegalproduce,andcustomsthinksshe’ssmugglingsomethingintothe—”
Theelevatorcametoabriskhalt.
Then,Aaron’slipswereonmine,thesuddenkissrenderingmeimmediatelyspeechless.Disarmed.Weightless.Imeltedintohim,mylegsturningtobutter.Icouldn’thelpit.Aaronwouldalwayshavethateffectonme;Iknewit.
“Baby,”hebreathedintomymouth.“Stopoverthinking.”Hetookmylipsinhisagain,hisarmscomingaroundme.Hisbodygentlypushingmybackagainstthecoolsurfacebehindme.
“Didyoujuststoptheelevator,Mr.Blackford?”Myvoicesoundedbreathless,notthatIcared.
Aaronwasfullyawareofthepowerheheldoverme,andIwanteditthatway.Neitherofuswantedasingleunsaidthingbetweenus.Therehadbeenplentyofthoseinthepast.
“Yes.”Hebrushedhislipsalongmyjaw.“Andwehavethreeminutestogetallthoseworriesoutofyourheadbeforethefrontdeskiscalled.”Hismouthtraileddownmyneck,warmpalmsfallingonmywaist.
Mylipsparted.“Oh.Okay,”Imurmuredashenibbledatthesensitiveskin.Mybloodstartedswirling,certainpartsofmybodydemandingattention.“Ilikehowthatsounds.”
“ImadesureyourdadwouldtakehispillswithhimwhenItalkedtohimonthephonebeforetheyleftthehouse.”Aaron’shandstrailedup,reachingtheswellsofmybreasts.“Cristinaisonlybringingafewcutsofcuredmeat,”hecontinuedashislegscrowdedmine.“Itwasn’teasy,andImighthavepromisedafewthingsIshouldn’thave,butshecompromised.”
Alowchuckleleftmymouth,butallhumordiedwhenhishipsrockedbrieflyagainstmine.
“Abuelawillbefine;she’stoughasnails.Ordon’tyourememberhowIhadtoliterallypluckheroffthatdancefloorlastChristmas?”Hetuggedatthelobeofmyearwithhisteeth.“AndIsabel’spregnancydoesn’tputheratrisk;Gonzalocalledtheairlinetoask.Twice.”
Iwhimpered,relishinginthesensationoffeelingAaronallaroundme—hiswarmth,thestrengthofhisbody,hisbreathandvoicefallingonmyskin—butalsoinhowdeephiswordsandactionsran.Howmuchloveandattentiontherewasinthem,inhim.
“It’scrazyhowmuchmyfamilyadoresyou,”Itoldhim,graspingbothhisarmswithneglectedneedrunningthroughmybody.“YouarelikeaMartínWhisperer.Howdidyoumanagetodothat?”
“IthoughtthatmysuccessinconvincingthemabouthowseriousIwasaboutyouafterweconfessedthetruthaboutourdealwaspureluck,butImighthaveawaywithwordswhenitcomestotheMartíns,”hewhisperedlikeitwashisbiggestsecret.“WithoneparticularMartínthough,IwanttobelieveIhaveawaywithmorethanjustthat.”
Myhandstraileduphisstrongarms,passingacrosshisroundedshouldersandfinallyclaspingbehindhisneck.“Youdo,”Imurmured.“Iadoreyoutoo.Treasureyou.Loveyou.Wantyou.Needyou.”Ipulledhimcloser.
“Who’sbeingawfullydistractingnow?”herasped.
Iansweredbygrindingmyselfagainsthishardbody,brieflybutintently.Agruntfellfromhislips.
“Lookatyou,teasingmelikethis.WhatanadoringanddistractingwomanIhaveinmyhands.”
“Howmuchlongerdowehave?”Iarchedmyback,pressingourcheststogether.
Heexhaledroughly.“NotnearlyenoughforwhatIhaveinmind.”Hispalmfellonmybehind,asifhecouldn’tstophimself.Hesqueezedmepossessively,provinghispoint.Hisvoiceturnedlow.“Later,Iswear.AssoonasIgetyoualoneinourroom.”
Aaronkissedmedeeplythen,silentlypromisingallthethingshe’ddotomemuchlater.Hoursfromnow,whenwefinallyreachedthehousewehadrentedinMontaukfortheweekendandourfamilywassettledcomfortablyinside.
“Okay.”Cuppinghisfaceinmypalms,Ibrushedonelastkissagainsthislips.“Haveyoutalkedtoyourdad?”
Aaronreluctantlypeeledhimselfoffmeandpressedtheyellowbuttononthepanel.Theelevatorresumeditsdescent.“Yes,earliertoday,”headmittedalmostguardedly.JustlikeeverytimehetalkedaboutRichard.
IknewAaronhadn’tletgoofpartoftheguilthecarriedaround,butfatherandsonhadcomealongway.AndtheybothknewRicharddidn’thavemuchtime.Thispastyearhadalreadybeenagift.
“HeandMarthashouldbegettingtothehouseinafewhours.”
Martha,hiscaregiver,wasanothergiftsentstraightfromheaven.ShewasamazingtoRichardandalwayskeptusupdated.Wetrustedherfully,andhavingherconstantsupportandcompanynotonlyreassuredAaronandme,butalsosoothedRichard.
“I’llcheckonthemagainwhilewewaitforyourfamilyattheairport.”
Theelevatordoorsopenedinfrontofus,andwesteppedoutatthesametime.
“Everythingwillbeallright,amor,”Itoldhim,breakingmyrulesandreachingforhishandinthemiddleofthelobby.“YourdadwillmakeittoMontauksafely,andheisgoingtoloveeveryone.Justhoweveryonewilllovehim.”
Breakinghisownrulestoo,hebroughtmyhandtohismouth,hislipsbrushingthebacksofmyfingers.“Iknow,baby,”hewhisperedjustforme.“Everythingwillalwaysbeokay,nomatterwhat.Youknowwhy?”
Westeppedoutofthebuilding,rightintooneofNewYork’soverwhelmingsummerdays.
“Why?”
“Becauseit’syouandme.”Hesmileddownatmethen,meetingmygazewiththeconvictionhiswordsheld.Justasheheldmyheartinhishands.Mylove.Mywholeworld.Confidentlyandcompletely.“Andnomatterwhatcomesourway,wehaveeachother.”ThatAaronsmile,whichwasjustformeandneverfailedtomakemyheartskipabeat,widened.“Weareinthistogether,forthelongrun.”
TheEndAbouttheAuthor
ElenaisaSpanishwriter,aself-confessedhopelessromanticandmuchMr.B’sdismay,aproudbookhoarder.Afteryearsofdevouringstoriesandposting––okayfine,yelling––aboutthemonherInstagram@thebibliotheque,shehasfinallytakentheleapandstartedcreatingsomeofherown.
Whileshe’dneverdescribeherselfasadventurous,havingadegreeinchemicalengineeringandbeingtheMonicaofhergroupoffriends,thisdefinitelyqualifiesasthemostexcitingyetterrifyingprojectshehasevertakenon.She’sprobablybitinghernailsasyoureadthis.Heck,she’sprobablyfullonfreakingout.Butdon’tmindher,that’sjustalittleof––hopefullyhealthy––stagefright.
Regardless,shecannotwaittofinallyshareherdreamwithyou.ToperhapsgushoverHEAstogether,andwhoknows,maybefallalittlemoreinlovewithlove.Becauseisn’tthatthepointonallofthis?
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TheonlyreasonwhyyouarecurrentlyholdingTheSpanishLoveDeceptioninyourhandsisbecauseaveryspecialsomeoneaskedmethefollowingquestion“ButElena,whydon’tyoupublishit?Youhaveto!”.Tobecompletelyhonest,Ithoughthercompletelyinsane(Istilldo,sometimes)butIguesshavingsomeoneelse’sfaithandencouragementcanbeenoughtotakealeapandreachoutforyourdreams.Ella,thisbookwouldn’thavebeenpossiblewithoutyou.IfIcouldgetawaywithit,I’dwritepagesandpagesaboutthereasonswhyyouhavebecomethiscrucialandhugepieceofthepuzzlethatismylife.Butyou’drollyoureyessohard,I’dhavetotakeaflightandgovisityouattheER.So,I’lljustsaythankyou.Fromtheverybottomofmyheart,thankyou.Foreverywordofencouragement,everypieceofadvice,foryourguidance,foreverysingleminuteofthosehourlongVMs,foralltheTMIs,foreverysingleoneofyour“shutup”,andaboveall,foryourpreciousfriendship.
CrisyAna…tías,lohehecho.Graciasporestarahíparamídesdequeéramosunasmocosasinsoportablesquesecreíansúperalternativas.Mehabéisanimado(ypsicoanalizado,seamosclaras)hastaquemehelanzadoaseguirmissue?os.Porello,siempreseréispartedeellos.Vuestraamistadlosignificatodo,yalosabéis.
Erin,Ihaveaconfession.ThedayIcasuallyaskedifyou’dliketobetareadthisbookforme,IplayeditcoolbutIwasaboutahairawayfromlosingmyshit.Butohmygosh,youacceptedandjustlikeyourecentlysaid,turnsoutwemakeaprettygreatteam.TSLDwouldn’tbethesametodayifyouhadn’tbetareadit(imaginehowmucheveryonewouldhavehatedGonzalo).Thankyou,Erin.Ireallyhopethiswasonlyourfirst.
Cristina,youhavebeensogoodtome.Yourkindnessandunconditionalsupportmeantthefreakingworld.Ican’tbelieveIusedtogotoyouforromancerecsandnow,IamgushingoveryourabsolutelybeautifulandamazingreviewofTSLD.Thankyou,hermosa.Youhavebeenalifesaverandatotalstar,andyourhelphasmadeallthedifference.Iswear,I’llwriteyouthesteamiestbookwithyourCavill-esquehero.It’sapromise.
Mr.B,Ihopeyougotmeflowersonreleaseday.Weliverightacrossfromaflowershop,soit’s(literally)notthathard.IknowI’mnottheeasiestwhenI’mstressed,andI’vebeenalittleonedgeforthelastfewweeks.Sothat’stheleastyoucando,don’tyouthink?I’llbakeyouacake.Please?
Jovana,mygoodness,Ican’tbegintoimaginetheamountofworkIgaveyou.Thisbookwouldn’tbethesamewithoutyourmagic.Thankyou.
Toeverybloggerandbookstagrammerthathascheeredforme,messagedme,andgivenmealltheirtrustandsupport.Youguysrockmyworldanddeservealltheflowersandcake.Ohmygosh,youguys.Thiswouldn’thavebeenpossiblewithoutyou.Thankyou.
You,thereader.Thankyouforgivingachance.IknowI’manewbie,andthisisjustmyfirstandimperfectattempt,butIhopewithallmygoddamnheartthatyoulovedit.Ihopeyoustickaround,too.BecauselikeJoeywouldsay,withoutyou,thisisallamoopoint
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