ToalltheimportantsisterwomeninmylifeandmostespeciallyClaire
Acknowledgments
Firstandalways,thankyoutothePippinwomen:EmilyvanBeek,HollyMcGhee,andSamanthaCosentino.ThankyoutomyeditorextraordinaireEmilyMeehan,whosupportsmelikenoother,aswellasCourtneyBongiolatti,LucyRuthCummins,andeveryoneatS&S.ManythankstoJennaandBeverlyandtheCalhounSchoolfortheircontinuoussupportofmywritinglife.ThankstomywritinggrouptheLongstockings,andoneLongstockinginparticular,whohassatacrossfrommeeveryMondayandcheeredmeon—Siobhan,I’mlookingatyou.AndthankyoutoAram,whoinspiredmetowriteabouttheforeverkindoffriendship,thekindthatspansoverboyfriendsandbeachesandchildrenandlifetimes.
Isay,“Ican’tbelieveyou’rereallyhere.”
Hesoundsalmostshywhenhesays,“Meneither.”Andthenhehesitates.“Areyoustillcomingwithme?”
Ican’tbelieveheevenhastoask.Iwouldgoanywhere.“Yes,”Itellhim.Itfeelslikenothingelseexistsoutsideofthatword,thismoment.There’sjustus.Everythingthathappenedthispastsummer,andeverysummerbeforeit,hasallleduptothis.Tonow.
chapterone
We’dbeendrivingforaboutseventhousandyears.Oratleastthat’showitfelt.Mybrother,Steven,droveslowerthanourGranna.Isatnexttohiminthepassengerseatwithmyfeetuponthedashboard.Meanwhile,mymotherwaspassedoutinthebackseat.Evenwhensheslept,shelookedalert,likeatanysecondshecouldwakeupanddirecttraffic.
“Gofaster,”IurgedSteven,pokinghimintheshoulder.“Let’spassthatkidonthebike.”
Stevenshruggedmeoff.“Nevertouchthedriver,”hesaid.“Andtakeyourdirtyfeetoffmydashboard.”
Iwiggledmytoesbackandforth.Theylookedprettycleantome.“It’snotyourdashboard.It’sgonnabemycarsoon,youknow.”
“Ifyouevergetyourlicense,”hescoffed.“Peoplelikeyoushouldn’tevenbeallowedtodrive.”
“Hey,look,”Isaid,pointingoutthewindow.“Thatguyinawheelchairjustlappedus!”
Stevenignoredme,andsoIstartedtofiddlewiththeradio.Oneofmyfavoritethingsaboutgoingtothebeachwastheradiostations.IwasasfamiliarwiththemasIwaswiththeonesbackhome,andlisteningtoQ94mademejustreallyknowinsidethatIwasthere,atthebeach.
Ifoundmyfavoritestation,theonethatplayedeverythingfrompoptooldiestohip-hop.TomPettywassinging“FreeFallin’.”Isangrightalongwithhim.“She’sagoodgirl,crazy’boutElvis.Loveshorsesandherboyfriendtoo.”
Stevenreachedovertoswitchstations,andIslappedhishandaway.“Belly,yourvoicemakesmewanttorunthiscarintotheocean.”Hepretendedtoswerveright.
Isangevenlouder,whichwokeupmymother,andshestartedtosingtoo.Webothhadterriblevoices,andStevenshookhisheadinhisdisgustedStevenway.Hehatedbeingoutnumbered.Itwaswhatbotheredhimmostaboutourparentsbeingdivorced,beingtheloneguy,withoutourdadtotakehisside.
Wedrovethroughtownslowly,andeventhoughI’djustteasedStevenaboutit,Ididn’treallymind.Ilovedthisdrive,thismoment.Seeingthetownagain,Jimmy’sCrabShack,thePuttPutt,allthesurfshops.Itwaslikecominghomeafteryou’dbeengonealong,longtime.Itheldamillionpromisesofsummerandofwhatjustmightbe.
Aswegotcloserandclosertothehouse,Icouldfeelthatfamiliarflutterinmychest.Wewerealmostthere.
Irolleddownthewindowandtookitallin.Theairtastedjustthesame,smelledjustthesame.Thewindmakingmyhairfeelsticky,thesaltyseabreeze,allofitfeltjustright.Likeithadbeenwaitingformetogetthere.
Stevenelbowedme.“AreyouthinkingaboutConrad?”heaskedmockingly.
Foroncetheanswerwasno.“No,”Isnapped.
Mymotherstuckherheadinbetweenourtwoseats.“Belly,doyoustilllikeConrad?Fromthelooksofthingslastsummer,IthoughttheremightbesomethingbetweenyouandJeremiah.”
“WHAT?YouandJeremiah?”Stevenlookedsickened.“WhathappenedwithyouandJeremiah?”
“Nothing,”Itoldthemboth.Icouldfeeltheflushrisingupfrommychest.IwishedIhadatanalreadytocoveritup.“Mom,justbecausetwopeoplearegoodfriends,itdoesn’tmeanthere’sanythinggoingon.Pleaseneverbringthatupagain.”
Mymotherleanedbackintothebackseat.“Done,”shesaid.HervoicehadthatnoteoffinalitythatIknewStevenwouldn’tbeabletobreakthrough.
BecausehewasSteven,hetriedanyway.“WhathappenedwithyouandJeremiah?Youcan’tsaysomethinglikethatandnotexplain.”
“Getoverit,”Itoldhim.TellingStevenanythingwouldonlygivehimammunitiontomakefunofme.Andanyway,therewasnothingtotell.Therehadneverbeenanythingtotell,notreally.
ConradandJeremiahwereBeck’sboys.BeckwasSusannahFisher,formerlySusannahBeck.MymotherwastheonlyonewhocalledherBeck.They’dknowneachothersincetheywerenine—bloodsisters,theycalledeachother.Andtheyhadthescarstoproveit—identicalmarksontheirwriststhatlookedlikehearts.
SusannahtoldmethatwhenIwasborn,sheknewIwasdestinedforoneofherboys.Shesaiditwasfate.Mymother,whodidn’tnormallygoinforthatkindofthing,saiditwouldbeperfect,aslongasI’dhadatleastafewlovesbeforeIsettleddown.Actually,shesaid“lovers,”butthatwordmademecringe.Susannahputherhandsonmycheeksandsaid,“Belly,youhavemyunequivocalblessing.I’dhatetolosemyboystoanyoneelse.”
We’dbeengoingtoSusannah’sbeachhouseinCousinsBeacheverysummersinceIwasababy,sincebeforeIwasborneven.Forme,Cousinswaslessaboutthetownandmoreaboutthehouse.Thehousewasmyworld.Wehadourownstretchofbeach,alltoourselves.Thesummerhousewasmadeupoflotsofthings.Thewraparoundporchweusedtorunaroundon,jugsofsuntea,theswimmingpoolatnight—buttheboys,theboysmostofall.
IalwayswonderedwhattheboyslookedlikeinDecember.Itriedtopicturethemincranberry-coloredscarvesandturtlenecksweaters,rosy-cheekedandstandingbesideaChristmastree,buttheimagealwaysseemedfalse.IdidnotknowthewinterJeremiahorthewinterConrad,andIwasjealousofeveryonewhodid.Igotflip-flopsandsunburnednosesandswimtrunksandsand.ButwhataboutthoseNewEnglandgirlswhohadsnowballfightswiththeminthewoods?Theoneswhosnuggleduptothemwhiletheywaitedforthecartoheatup,theonestheygavetheircoatstowhenitwaschillyoutside.Well,Jeremiah,maybe.NotConrad.Conradwouldnever;itwasn’thisstyle.Eitherway,itdidn’tseemfair.
I’dsitnexttotheradiatorinhistoryclassandwonderwhattheyweredoing,iftheywerewarmingtheirfeetalongthebottomofaradiatorsomewheretoo.Countingthedaysuntilsummeragain.Forme,itwasalmostlikewinterdidn’tcount.Summerwaswhatmattered.Mywholelifewasmeasuredinsummers.LikeIdon’treallybeginlivinguntilJune,untilI’matthatbeach,inthathouse.
Conradwastheolderone,byayearandahalf.Hewasdark,dark,dark.Completelyunattainable,unavailable.Hehadasmirkykindofmouth,andIalwaysfoundmyselfstaringatit.Smirkymouthsmakeyouwanttokissthem,tosmooththemoutandkissthesmirkinessaway.Ormaybenotaway…butyouwanttocontrolitsomehow.Makeityours.ItwasexactlywhatIwantedtodowithConrad.Makehimmine.
Jeremiah,though—hewasmyfriend.Hewasnicetome.Hewasthekindofboywhostillhuggedhismother,stillwantedtoholdherhandevenwhenhewastechnicallytoooldforit.Hewasn’tembarrassedeither.JeremiahFisherwastoobusyhavingfuntoeverbeembarrassed.
IbetJeremiahwasmorepopularthanConradatschool.Ibetthegirlslikedhimbetter.Ibetthatifitweren’tforfootball,Conradwouldn’tbesomebigdeal.Hewouldjustbequiet,moodyConrad,notafootballgod.AndIlikedthat.IlikedthatConradpreferredtobealone,playinghisguitar.Likehewasaboveallthestupidhighschoolstuff.IlikedtothinkthatifConradwenttomyschool,hewouldn’tplayfootball,he’dbeonthelitmag,andhe’dnoticesomeonelikeme.
Whenwefinallypulleduptothehouse,JeremiahandConradweresittingoutonthefrontporch.IleanedoverStevenandhonkedthehorntwice,whichinoursummerlanguagemeant,Comehelpwiththebags,stat
Conradwaseighteennow.He’djusthadabirthday.Hewastallerthanlastsummer,ifyoucanbelieveit.Hishairwascutshortaroundhisearsandwasasdarkasever.UnlikeJeremiah’s,whosehairhadgottenlonger,sohelookedalittleshaggybutinagoodway—likea1970stennisplayer.Whenhewasyounger,itwascurlyyellow,almostplatinuminthesummer.Jeremiahhatedhiscurls.Forawhile,Conradhadhimconvincedthatcrustsmadeyourhaircurly,soJeremiahhadstoppedeatingsandwichcrusts,andConradwouldpolishthemoff.AsJeremiahgotolder,though,hishairwaslessandlesscurlyandmorewavy.Imissedhiscurls.Susannahcalledhimherlittleangel,andheusedtolooklikeone,withhisrosycheeksandyellowcurls.Hestillhadtherosycheeks.
Jeremiahmadeamegaphonewithhishandsandyelled,“Steve-o!”
IsatinthecarandwatchedStevenambleuptothemandhugthewayguysdo.Theairsmelledsaltyandwet,likeitmightrainseawateranysecond.Ipretendedtobetyingthelacesonmysneakers,butreallyIjustwantedamomenttolookatthem,atthehouseforalittlewhile,inprivate.Thehousewaslargeandgrayandwhite,anditlookedlikemosteveryotherhouseontheroad,butbetter.ItlookedjustthewayIthoughtabeachhouseshouldlook.Itlookedlikehome.
Mymothergotoutofthecarthentoo.“Hey,boys.Where’syourmother?”shecalledout.
“Hey,Laurel.She’stakinganap,”Jeremiahcalledback.Usuallyshecameflyingoutofthehousethesecondourcarpulledup.
Mymotherwalkedovertotheminaboutthreestrides,andshehuggedthemboth,tightly.Mymother’shugwasasfirmandsolidasherhandshake.Shedisappearedintothehousewithhersunglassesperchedonthetopofherhead.
Igotoutofthecarandslungmybagovermyshoulder.Theydidn’tevennoticemewalkupatfirst.Butthentheydid.Theyreallydid.Conradgavemeaquickglance-overthewayboysdoatthemall.Hehadneverlookedatmelikethatbeforeinmywholelife.Notonce.Icouldfeelmyflushfromthecarreturn.Jeremiah,ontheotherhand,didadoubletake.Helookedatmelikehedidn’tevenrecognizeme.Allofthishappenedinthespanofaboutthreeseconds,butitfeltmuch,muchlonger.
Conradhuggedmefirst,butafarawaykindofhug,carefulnottogettooclose.He’djustgottenahaircut,andtheskinaroundthenapeofhisnecklookedpinkandnew,likeababy’s.Hesmelledliketheocean.HesmelledlikeConrad.“Ilikedyoubetterwithglasses,”hesaid,hislipsclosetomyear.
Thatstung.Ishovedhimawayandsaid,“Well,toobad.Mycontactsareheretostay.”
Hesmiledatme,andthatsmile—hejustgetsin.Hissmilediditeverytime.“Ithinkyougotafewnewones,”hesaid,tappingmeonthenose.Heknewhowself-consciousIwasaboutmyfrecklesandhestillteasedmeeverytime.
ThenJeremiahgrabbedmenext,andhealmostliftedmeintotheair.“BellyButton’sallgrowedup,”hecrowed.
Ilaughed.“Putmedown,”Itoldhim.“YousmelllikeBO.”
Jeremiahlaughedloudly.“SameoldBelly,”hesaid,buthewasstaringatmelikehewasn’tquitesurewhoIwas.Hecockedhisheadandsaid,“Somethinglooksdifferentaboutyou,Belly.”
Ibracedmyselfforthepunchline.“What?Igotcontacts.”Iwasn’tcompletelyusedtomyselfwithoutglasseseither.MybestfriendTaylorhadbeentryingtoconvincemetogetcontactssincethesixthgrade,andI’dfinallylistened.
Hesmiled.“It’snotthat.Youjustlookdifferent.”
Iwentbacktothecarthen,andtheboysfollowedme.Weunloadedthecarquickly,andassoonasweweredone,Ipickedupmysuitcaseandmybookbagandheadedstraightformyoldbedroom.MyroomwasSusannah’sfromwhenshewasachild.Ithadfadedcalicowallpaperandawhitebedroomset.TherewasamusicboxIloved.Whenyouopenedit,therewasatwirlingballerinathatdancedtothethemesongfromRomeoandJuliet,theold-timeyversion.Ikeptmyjewelryinit.Everythingaboutmyroomwasoldandfaded,butIlovedthataboutit.Itfeltliketheremightbesecretsinthewalls,inthefour-posterbed,especiallyinthatmusicbox.
SeeingConradagain,havinghimlookatmethatway,IfeltlikeIneededasecondtobreathe.Igrabbedthestuffedpolarbearonmydresserandhuggedhimclosetomychest—hisnamewasJuniorMint,Juniorforshort.IsatdownwithJunioronmytwinbed.MyheartwasbeatingsoloudlyIcouldhearit.Everythingwasthesamebutnot.TheyhadlookedatmelikeIwasarealgirl,notjustsomebody’slittlesister.
chaptertwo
AGE12
ThefirsttimeIeverhadmyheartbrokenwasatthishouse.Iwastwelve.
Itwasoneofthosereallyrarenightswhentheboysweren’talltogether—StevenandJeremiahwentonanovernightfishingtripwithsomeboysthey’dmetatthearcade.Conradsaidhedidn’tfeellikegoing,andofcourseIwasn’tinvited,soitwasjustmeandhim.
Well,nottogether,butinthesamehouse.
IwasreadingaromancenovelinmyroomwithmyfeetonthewallwhenConradwalkedby.Hestoppedandsaid,“Belly,whatareyoudoingtonight?”
Ifoldedthecoverofmybookoverquickly.“Nothing,”Isaid.Itriedtokeepmyvoiceeven,nottooexcitedoreager.Ihadleftmydooropenonpurpose,hopinghe’dstopby.
“Wanttogototheboardwalkwithme?”heasked.Hesoundedcasual,almosttoocasual.
ThiswasthemomentIhadbeenwaitingfor.Thiswasit.Iwasfinallyoldenough.Somepartofmeknewittoo,itwasready.Iglancedoverathim,justascasualashe’dbeen.“Maybe.Ihavebeencravingacaramelapple.”
“I’llbuyoneforyou,”heoffered.“Justhurryupandputsomeclothesonandwe’llgo.Ourmomsaregoingtothemovies;they’lldropusoffontheway.”
Isatupandsaid,“Okay.”
AssoonasConradleft,Iclosedmydoorandranovertomymirror.Itookmyhairoutofitsbraidsandbrushedit.Itwaslongthatsummer,almosttomywaist.ThenIchangedoutofmybathingsuitandputonwhiteshortsandmyfavoritegrayshirt.Mydadsaiditmatchedmyeyes.Ismearedsomestrawberryfrostinglipglossonmylipsandtuckedthetubeintomypocket,forlater.IncaseIneededtoreapply.
InthecarSusannahkeptsmilingatmeintherearviewmirror.Igaveheralooklike,Quit,please—butIwantedtosmileback.Conradwasn’tpayingattentionanyway.Hewaslookingoutthewindowthewholeridethere.
“Havefun,kids,”saidSusannah,winkingatmeasIclosedmydoor.
Conradboughtmeacaramelapplefirst.Heboughthimselfasoda,butthatwasit—usuallyheateatleastanappleortwo,orafunnelcake.Heseemednervous,whichmademefeellessnervous.
Aswewalkeddowntheboardwalk,Iletmyarmhangloose—incase.Buthedidn’treachforit.Itwasoneofthoseperfectsummernights,thekindwherethere’sacoolbreezeandnotonedropofrain.Therewouldberaintomorrow,butthatnighttherewerecoolbreezesandthatwasit.
Isaid,“Let’ssitdownsoIcaneatmyapple,”sowedid.Wesatonabenchthatfacedthebeach.
Ibitintomyapple,carefully;IwasworriedImightgetcaramelallstuckinmyteeth,andthenhowwouldhekissme?
HesippedhisCokenoisily,andthenglanceddownathiswatch.“Whenyoufinishthat,let’sgototheringtoss.”
Hewantedtowinmeastuffedanimal!IalreadyknewwhichoneI’dpicktoo—thepolarbearwithwire-frameglassesandascarf.I’dhadmyeyeonitallsummer.IcouldalreadypicturemyselfshowingitofftoTaylor.Oh,that?ConradFisherwonitforme.
Iwolfeddowntherestofmyappleinabouttwobites.“’Kay,”Isaid,wipingmymouthwiththebackofmyhand.“Let’sgo.”
Conradwalkedstraightovertotheringtoss,andIhadtowalksuperquicktokeepup.Asusual,hewasn’ttalkingmuch,soItalkedevenmoretomakeupforit.“Ithinkwhenwegetback,mymommightfinallygetcable.StevenandmydadandIhavebeentryingtoconvinceherforforever.SheclaimstobesoagainstTV,butthenshewatchesmoviesonA&E,like,thewholetimewe’rehere.It’ssohypocritical,”Isaid,andmyvoicetrailedoffwhenIsawthatConradwasn’tevenlistening.Hewaswatchingthegirlwhoworkedtheringtoss.
Shelookedaboutfourteenorfifteen.ThefirstthingInoticedaboutherwashershorts.Theywerecanaryyellow,andtheywerereally,reallyshort.Theexactsamekindofshortsthattheboyshadmadefunofmeforwearingtwodaysbefore.IfeltsogoodaboutbuyingthoseshortswithSusannah,andthentheboyshadlaughedatmeforit.Theshortslookedawholelotbetteronher.
Herlegswereskinnyandfreckled,andsowereherarms.Everythingaboutherwasskinny,evenherlips.Herhairwaslongandwavy.Itwasred,butitwassolightitwasalmostpeach.IthinkitmighthavebeentheprettiesthairI’deverseen.Shehaditpulledovertotheside,anditwassolongthatshehadtokeepflickingitawayasshehandedpeoplerings.
Conradhadcometotheboardwalkforher.He’dbroughtmebecausehehadn’twantedtocomealoneandhehadn’twantedStevenandJeremiahtogivehimahardtime.Thatwasit.Thatwasthewholereason.Icouldseeitallinthewayhelookedather,thewayhealmostseemedtoholdhisbreath.
“Doyouknowher?”Iasked.
Helookedstartled,likehe’dforgottenIwasthere.“Her?No,notreally.”
Ibitmylip.“Well,doyouwantto?”
“DoIwanttowhat?”Conradwasconfused,whichwasannoying.
“Doyouwanttoknowher?”Iaskedimpatiently.
“Iguess.”
Igrabbedhimbyhisshirtsleeveandwalkedrightuptothebooth.Thegirlsmiledatus,andIsmiledback,butitwasjustforshow.Iwasplayingapart.“Howmanyrings?”sheasked.Shehadbraces,butonhertheylookedinteresting,liketeethjewelryandnotlikeorthodontics.
“We’lltakethree,”Itoldher.“Ilikeyourshorts.”
“Thanks,”shesaid.
Conradclearedhisthroat.“They’renice.”
“IthoughtyousaidtheyweretooshortwhenIworetheexactsamepairtwodaysago.”Iturnedtothegirlandsaid,“Conradissooverprotective.Doyouhaveabigbrother?”
Shelaughed.“No.”ToConradshesaid,“Youthinkthey’retooshort?”
Heblushed.I’dneverseenhimblushbefore,notinthewholetimeI’dknownhim.Ihadafeelingitmightbethelasttime.Imadeabigshowoflookingatmywatchandsaid,“Con,I’mgonnagoridetheFerriswheelbeforeweleave.Winmeaprize,okay?”
Conradnoddedquickly,andIsaidbyetothegirlandleft.IwalkedovertotheFerriswheelasfastasIcouldsotheywouldn’tseemecry.
Lateron,Ifoundoutthegirl’snamewasAngie.Conradendedupwinningmethepolarbearwiththewire-frameglassesandscarf.HesaidAngietoldhimitwasthebestprizetheyhad.HesaidhethoughtI’dlikeittoo.ItoldhimI’dratherhavehadthegiraffe,butthanksanyway.InamedhimJuniorMint,andIlefthimwherehebelonged,atthesummerhouse.
chapterthree
AfterIunpacked,Iwentstraightdowntothepool,whereIknewtheboyswouldbe.Theywerelyingaroundonthedeckchairs,theirdirtybarefeethangingofftheedges.
AssoonasJeremiahsawme,hesprangup.“LadiesandGentlemen-men-men,”hebegandramatically,bowinglikeacircusringmaster.“Idobelieveitistime…forourfirstbellyflopofthesummer.”
Iinchedawayfromthemuneasily.Toofastamovement,anditwouldbeallover—they’dchasemethen.“Noway,”Isaid.
ThenConradandStevenstoodup,circlingme.“Youcan’tfighttradition,”Stevensaid.Conradjustgrinnedevilly.
“I’mtoooldforthis,”Isaiddesperately.Iwalkedbackward,andthat’swhentheygrabbedme.StevenandJeremiaheachtookawrist.
“Comeon,guys,”Isaid,tryingtowriggleoutoftheirgrasp.Idraggedmyfeet,buttheypulledmealong.Iknewitwasfutiletoresist,butIalwaystried,eventhoughthebottomsofmyfeetgotburnedalongthepavementintheprocess.
“Ready?”Jeremiahsaid,liftingmeupundermyarmpits.
Conradgrabbedmyfeet,andthenSteventookmyrightarmwhileJeremiahhungontomyleft.TheyswungmebackandforthlikeIwasasackofflour.“Ihateyouguys,”Iyelledovertheirlaughter.
“One,”Jeremiahbegan.
“Two,”Stevensaid.
“Andthree,”Conradfinished.Thentheylaunchedmeintothepool,clothesandall.Ihitthewaterwithaloudsmack.Underwater,Icouldhearthembustingup.
TheBellyFlopwassomethingthey’dstartedaboutamillionsummersago.ProbablyithadbeenSteven.Ihatedit.EventhoughitwasoneoftheonlytimesIwasincludedintheirfun,Ihatedbeingthebruntofit.Itmademefeelutterlypowerless,anditwasareminderthatIwasanoutsider,tooweaktofightthem,allbecauseIwasagirl.Somebody’slittlesister.
Iusedtocryaboutit,runtoSusannahandmymother,butitdidn’tdoanygood.Theboysjustaccusedmeofbeingatattletale.Notthistime,though.ThistimeIwasgoingtobeagoodsport.IfIwasagoodsport,maybethatwouldtakeawaysomeoftheirjoy.
WhenIcameuptothesurface,Ismiledandsaid,“Youguysareten-year-olds.”
“Forlife,”Stevensaidsmugly.HissmuggyfacemademewanttosplashhimandsoakhimandhispreciousHugoBosssunglassesthatheworkedforthreeweekstopayfor.
ThenIsaid,“Ithinkyoutwistedmyankle,Conrad.”Ipretendedtohavetroubleswimmingovertothem.
Hewalkedovertotheedgeofthepool.“I’mprettysureyou’lllive,”hesaid,smirking.
“Atleasthelpmeout,”Idemanded.
Hesquattedandgavemehishand,whichItook.
“Thanks,”Isaidgiddily.ThenIgrippedtightandpulledhisarmashardasIcould.Hestumbled,fellforward,andlandedinthepoolwithasplashevenbiggerthanmine.IthinkIlaughedharderrightthenthanI’velaughedinmywholelife.SodidJeremiahandSteven.IthinkmaybeallofCousinsBeachhearduslaughing.
Conrad’sheadbobbedupquickly,andheswamovertomeinabouttwostrokes.Iworriedhemightbemad,buthewasn’t,notcompletely.Hewassmilingbutinathreateningkindofway.Idodgedawayfromhim.“Can’tcatchme,”Isaidgleefully.“Tooslow!”
Everytimehecameclose,Iswamaway.“Marco,”Icalledout,giggling.
JeremiahandSteven,whowereheadedbacktothehouse,said,“Polo!”
Whichmademelaugh,whichmademeslowtoswimaway,andConradcaughtmyfoot.“Letgo,”Igasped,stilllaughing.
Conradshookhishead.“IthoughtIwastooslow,”hesaid,treadingwaterclosertome.Wewereinthedivingwell.HiswhiteT-shirtwassoakedthrough,andIcouldseethepinkygoldofhisskin.
Therewasthisweirdstillnessbetweenusallofasudden.Hestillheldontomyfoot,andIwastryingtostayafloat.ForasecondIwishedJeremiahandStevenwerestillthere.Ididn’tknowwhy.
“Letgo,”Isaidagain.
Hepulledonmyfoot,drawingmecloser.Beingthisclosetohimwasmakingmefeeldizzyandnervous.Isaiditagain,onelasttime,eventhoughIdidn’tmeanit.“Conrad,letgoofme.”
Hedid.Andthenhedunkedme.Itdidn’tmatter.Iwasalreadyholdingmybreath.
chapterfour
Susannahcamedownfromhernapalittlewhileafterweputondryclothes,apologizingformissingourbighomecoming.Shestilllookedsleepyandherhairwasallfeatheryononesidelikeakid’s.Sheandmymotherhuggedfirst,fierceandlong.Mymotherlookedsohappytoseeherthatshewasteary,andmymotherwasneverteary.
Thenitwasmyturn.Susannahsweptmeinforahug,theclosekindthat’slongenoughtomakeyouwonderhowlongit’sgoingtolast,who’llpullawayfirst.
“Youlookthin,”Itoldher,partlybecauseitwastrueandpartlybecauseIknewshelovedtohearit.Shewasalwaysonadiet,alwayswatchingwhatsheate.Tome,shewasperfect.
“Thanks,honey,”Susannahsaid,finallylettingmego,lookingatmefromarm’slength.Sheshookherheadandsaid,“Whendidyougoandgrowup?Whendidyouturnintothisphenomenalwoman?”
Ismiledself-consciously,gladthattheboyswereupstairsandnotaroundtohearthis.“Ilookprettymuchthesame.”
“You’vealwaysbeenlovely,butohhoney,lookatyou.”Sheshookherheadlikeshewasinaweofme.“You’resopretty.Sopretty.You’regoingtohaveanamazing,amazingsummer.It’llbeasummeryou’llneverforget.”Susannahalwaysspokeinabsoluteslikethat—andwhenshedid,itsoundedlikeaproclamation,likeitwouldcometruebecauseshesaidso.
Thethingis,Susannahwasright.ItwasasummerI’dnever,everforget.Itwasthesummereverythingbegan.ItwasthesummerIturnedpretty.Becauseforthefirsttime,Ifeltit.Pretty,Imean.Everysummeruptothisone,Ibelievedit’dbedifferent.Lifewouldbedifferent.Andthatsummer,itfinallywas.Iwas.
chapterfive
Dinnerthefirstnightwasalwaysthesame:abigpotofspicybouillabaissethatSusannahcookedupwhileshewaitedforustoarrive.Lotsofshrimpandcrablegsandsquid—sheknewIlovedsquid.EvenwhenIwaslittle,Iwouldpickoutthesquidandsaveitforlast.Susannahputthepotinthemiddleofthetable,alongwithafewcrustyloavesofFrenchbreadfromthebakerynearby.Eachofuswouldgetabowl,andwe’dhelpourselvestothepotallthroughoutdinner,dippingtheladlebackintothepot.Susannahandmymotheralwayshadredwine,anduskidshadgrapeFanta,butonthatnighttherewerewineglassesforeveryone.
“Ithinkwe’realloldenoughtopartakenow,don’tyou,Laur?”Susannahsaidaswesatdown.
“Idon’tknowaboutthat,”mymotherbegan,butthenshestopped.“Oh,allright.Fine.I’mbeingprovincial,isn’tthatright,Beck?”
Susannahlaughedanduncorkedthebottle.“You?Never,”shesaid,pouringalittlewineforeachofus.“It’saspecialnight.It’sthefirstnightofsummer.”
Conraddrankhiswineinabouttwogulps.Hedrankitlikehewasusedtodrinkingit.Iguessalotcanhappenoverthecourseofayear.Hesaid,“It’snotthefirstnightofsummer,Mom.”
“Oh,yesitis.Summerdoesn’tstartuntilourfriendsgethere,”Susannahsaid,reachingacrossthetableandtouchingmyhand,andConrad’s,too.
Hejerkedawayfromher,almostbyaccident.Susannahdidn’tseemtonotice,butIdid.IalwaysnoticedConrad.
Jeremiahmusthaveseenittoo,becausehechangedthesubject.“Belly,checkoutmylatestscar,”hesaid,pullinguphisshirt.“Iscoredthreefieldgoalsthatnight.”Jeremiahplayedfootball.Hewasproudofallofhisbattlescars.
Ileanedinnexttohimtogetagoodlook.Itwasalongscarthatwasjustbeginningtofade,rightacrossthebottomofhisstomach.Clearly,he’dbeenworkingout.Hisstomachwasflatandhard,andithadn’tlookedlikethatlastsummereven.HelookedbiggerthanConradnow.“Wow,”Isaid.
Conradsnorted.“Jerejustwantstoshowoffhistwo-pack,”hesaid,breakingoffapieceofbreadanddippingitintohisbowl.“Whydon’tyoushowallofus,andnotjustBelly?”
“Yeah,showus,Jere,”Stevensaid,grinning.
Jeremiahgrinnedrightback.ToConradhesaid,“You’rejustjealousbecauseyouquit.”Conradhadquitfootball?Thatwasnewstome.
“Conrad,youquit,man?”Stevenasked.Iguesseditwasnewstohim,too.Conradwasreallygood;Susannahusedtomailushisnewspaperclippings.HeandJeremiahhadbeenontheteamtogethertheselasttwoyears,butitwasConradwho’dbeenthestar.
Conradshruggedindifferently.Hishairwasstillwetfromthepool,andsowasmine.“Itgotboring,”hesaid.
“Whathemeansis,hegotboring,”Jeremiahsaid.Thenhestoodupandpulledoffhisshirt.“Prettynice,huh?”
Susannahthrewherheadbackandlaughed,andmymotherdidtoo.“Sitdown,Jeremiah,”shesaid,shakingtheloafofbreadathimlikeasword.
“Whatdoyouthink,Belly?”heaskedme.Helookedlikehewaswinkingeventhoughhewasn’t.
“Prettynice,”Iagreed,tryingnottosmile.
“Nowit’sBelly’sturntoshowoff,”Conradsaidmockingly.
“Bellydoesn’tneedtoshowoff.Wecanallseehowlovelysheisjustlookingather,”Susannahsaid,sippingherwineandsmilingatme.
“Lovely?Yeah,right,”saidSteven.“She’salovelypaininmyass.”
“Steven,”mymotherwarned.
“What?What’dIsay?”heasked.
“Steven’stoomuchofapigtounderstandtheconceptoflovely,”Isaidsweetly.Ipushedthebreadtohim.“Oink,oink,Steven.Havesomemorebread.”
“Don’tmindifIdo,”hesaid,breakingoffacrustychunk.
“Belly,tellusaboutallthehotfriendsyou’regonnasetmeupwith,”Jeremiahsaid.
“Didn’twealreadytrythatonce?”Isaid.“Don’ttellmeyou’veforgottenaboutTaylorJewelalready.”
Everyonebusteduplaughingthen,evenConrad.
Jeremiah’scheeksturnedpink,buthewaslaughingtoo,andshakinghishead.“You’renotanicegirl,Belly,”hesaid.“There’splentyofcutegirlsatthecountryclub,sodon’tworryaboutme.WorryaboutCon.He’stheonemissingout.”
TheoriginalplanwasforbothJeremiahandConradtoworkatthecountryclubaslifeguards.Conradhaddoneitthesummerbefore.ThissummerJeremiahwasoldenoughtodoitwithhim,butConradchangedhismindatthelastminuteanddecidedtobustablesatthefancyseafoodbuffetinstead.
Weusedtogothereallthetime.Kidstwelveandyoungercouldeattherefortwentydollars.TherewasatimewhenIwastheonlyonetwelveoryounger.MymotheralwaysmadesuretotellthewaiterthatIwasyoungerthantwelve.As,like,principle.Everytimeshedidit,Ifeltlikedisappearing.IwishedIwasinvisible.Itwasn’tthattheboysevenmadeabigdealoutofit,whichtheyeasilycouldhave,butitwasthefeelingdifferent,likeanoutsider,thatIhated.Ihateditbeingpointedout.Ijustwantedtobelikethem.
chaptersix
AGE10
Rightoffthebat,theboyswereaunit.Conradwastheleader.Hiswordwasprettymuchlaw.Stevenwashissecondincommand,andJeremiahwasthejester.Thatfirstnight,Conraddecidedthattheboysweregoingtosleeponthebeachinsleepingbagsandmakeafire.HewasaBoyScout;heknewallaboutthatkindofstuff.
Jealously,Iwatchedthemplan.Especiallywhentheypackedthegrahamcrackersandmarshmallows.Don’ttakethewholebox,Iwantedtotellthem.Ididn’t,though—itwasn’tmyplace.Itwasn’tevenmyhouse.
“Steven,makesureyoubringtheflashlight,”Conraddirected.Stevennoddedquickly.Ihadneverseenhimfollowordersbefore.HelookeduptoConrad,whowaseightmonthsolder;ithadalwaysbeenthatway.Everybodyhadsomebodybutme.IwishedIwasathome,makingbutterscotchsundaeswithmydadandeatingthemonourlivingroomfloor.
“Jeremiah,don’tforgetthecards,”Conradadded,rollingupasleepingbag
Jeremiahsalutedhimanddancedalittlejig,whichmademegiggle.“Sir,yes,sir.”Heturnedtomeonthecouchandsaid,“Conradisbossylikeourdad.Don’tfeellikeyouhavetolistentohimoranything.”
Jeremiahtalkingtomemademefeelbraveenoughtosay,“CanIcometoo?”
RightawayStevensaid,“No.Guysonly.Right,Con?”
Conradhesitated.“Sorry,Belly,”hesaid,andhereallydidlooksorryforasecond.Twoseconds,even.Thenhewentbacktorollinghissleepingbag.
IturnedawayfromthemandfacedtheTV.“That’sokay.Idon’treallycareanyway.”
“Ooh,watchout,Belly’sgonnacry,”Stevensaidjoyously.ToJeremiahandConradhesaid,“Whenshedoesn’tgetherway,shecries.Ourdadalwaysfallsforit.”
“Shutup,Steven!”Iyelled.IwasworriedIreallymightcry.ThelastthingIneededwastobeacrybabyourfirstnight.Thenthey’dnevertakemealongforreal.
“Belly’sgonnacry,”Stevensaidinasingsongvoice.ThenheandJeremiahstartedtodanceajigtogether.
“Leaveheralone,”Conradsaid.
Stevenstoppeddancing.“What?”hesaid,confused.
“Youguysaresoimmature,”Conradsaid,shakinghishead.
Iwatchedthempickuptheirgearandgetreadytoleave.Iwasabouttolosemychancetocamp,tobeapartofthegang.QuicklyIsaid,“Steven,ifyoudon’tletmego,I’lltellMom.”
Steven’sfacetwisted.“No,youwon’t.Momhatesitwhenyoutattletale.”
Itwastrue,mymotherhateditwhenItoldonStevenforthingslikethis.She’dsayheneededhisowntime,thatIcouldgothenexttimearound,thatitwouldbemorefunatthehousewithherandBeckanyway.Isankintothecouch,armscrossed.I’dlostmychance.NowIjustlookedlikeatattletale,ababy.
OnthewayoutJeremiahturnedaroundanddancedaquickjigforme,andIcouldn’thelpit,Ilaughed.OverhisshoulderConradsaid,“Goodnight,Belly.”
Andthatwasit.Iwasinlove.
chapterseven
Ididn’tnoticerightawaythattheirfamilyhadmoremoneythanours.Thebeachhousewasn’tsomefancykindofplace.Itwasarealhonest-to-Godbeachhouse,thekindthat’slivedinandcomfortable.IthadfadedoldseersuckercouchesandacreakingLa-Z-Boyuskidsalwaysfoughtover,andpeelingwhitepaintandhardwoodfloorsthathadbeenbleachedbythesun.
Butitwasabighouse,roomenoughforallofusandmore.They’dbuiltanadditionyearsago.Ononeendtherewasmymother’sroom,SusannahandMr.Fisher’sroom,andanemptyguestroom.Ontheotherendwasmyroom,anotherguestroom,andtheroomtheboysshared,whichIwasjealousof.Thereusedtobebunkbedsandatwininthatroom,andIhatedthatIhadtosleepallaloneinminewhenIcouldhearthemgigglingandwhisperingallnightthroughthewall.Acoupleoftimestheboysletmesleepintheretoo,butonlywhentheyhadsomeespeciallygruesomestorytheywantedtotell.Iwasagoodaudience.Ialwaysscreamedatalltherightplaces.
Sincewe’vegottenolder,theboyshavestoppedsharingaroom.Stevenstartedstayingoverontheparents’end,andJeremiahandConradbothhadtheirroomsonmyend.TheboysandIhavesharedabathroomsincethebeginning.Oursisonourendofthehouse,andthenmymotherhasherown,andSusannah’sisconnectedtothemasterbedroom.Therearetwosinks—JeremiahandConradsharedone,andStevenandIsharedtheother.
Whenwewerelittle,theboysneverputtheseatdown,andtheystilldidn’t.ItwasaconstantreminderthatIwasdifferent,thatIwasn’toneofthem.Littlethingshavechanged,though.Itusedtobethattheyleftwaterallovertheplace,eitherfromsplashfightsorfromjustbeingcareless.Nowthattheyshaved,theylefttheirlittlechinhairsalloverthesink.Thecounterwascrowdedwiththeirdifferentdeodorantsandshavingcreamandcologne.
TheyhadmorecolognethanIhadperfume—onepinkFrenchbottlemydadboughtmeforChristmaswhenIwasthirteen.Itsmelledlikevanillaandburntsugarandlemon.Ithinkhisgradstudentgirlfriendpickeditout.Hewasn’tgoodatthatsortofthing.Anyway,Ididn’tleavemyperfumeinthebathroommixedinwithalltheirstuff.Ikeptitonthedresserinmyroom,andIneverworeitanyway.Ididn’tknowwhyIevenbroughtitwithme.
chaptereight
AfterdinnerIstayeddownstairsonthecouchandsodidConrad.Hesatthereacrossfromme,strummingchordsonhisguitarwithhisheadbent.
“SoIheardyouhaveagirlfriend,”Isaid.“Iheardit’sprettyserious.”
“Mybrotherhasabigmouth.”Aboutamonthbeforewe’dleftforCousins,JeremiahhadcalledSteven.Theywereonthephoneforawhile,andIhidoutsideSteven’sbedroomdoorlistening.Stevendidn’tsayawholelotonhisend,butitseemedlikeaseriousconversation.Iburstintohisroomandaskedhimwhattheyweretalkingabout,andStevenaccusedmeofbeinganosylittlespy,andthenhefinallytoldmethatConradhadagirlfriend.
“Sowhat’sshelike?”Ididn’tlookathimwhenIsaidthis.Iwasafraidhe’dbeabletoseehowmuchIcared.
Conradclearedhisthroat.“Webrokeup,”hesaid.
Ialmostgasped.Myheartdidalittleping.“Yourmomisright,youareaheartbreaker.”Imeantittocomeoutasajoke,butthewordsranginmyheadandintheairlikesomekindofdeclaration.
Heflinched.“Shedumpedme,”hesaidflatly.
Icouldn’timagineanyonebreakingupwithConrad.Iwonderedwhatshewaslike.Suddenlyshewasthiscompelling,actualpersoninmymind.“Whatwashername?”
“Whatdoesitmatter?”hesaid,hisvoicerough.Then,“Aubrey.HernameisAubrey.”
“Whydidshebreakupwithyou?”Icouldn’thelpmyself.Iwastoocurious.Whowasthisgirl?Ipicturedsomeonewithpalewhiteblondhairandturquoiseeyes,someonewithperfectcuticlesandoval-shapednails.I’dalwayshadtokeepmineshortforpiano,andthenafterIquit,Istillkeptthemshort,becauseIwasusedtothemthatway.
Conradputdowntheguitarandstaredoffintospacemoodily.“ShesaidIchanged.”
“Anddidyou?”
“Idon’tknow.Everybodychanges.Youdid.”
“HowdidIchange?”
Heshruggedandpickeduphisguitaragain.“LikeIsaid,everybodychanges.”
Conradstartedplayingtheguitarinmiddleschool.Ihateditwhenheplayedtheguitar.He’dsitthere,strumming,halfwaypayingattention,onlyhalfwaypresent.He’dhumtohimself,andhewassomeplaceelse.We’dbewatchingTV,orplayingcards,andhe’dbestrummingtheguitar.Orhe’dbeinhisroom,practicing.Forwhat,Ididn’tknow.AllIknewwasthatittooktimeawayfromus.
“Listentothis,”he’dsaidonce,stretchingouthisheadphonessoIhadoneandhehadtheother.Ourheadstouched.“Isn’titamazing?”
“It”wasPearlJam.Conradwasashappyandenthralledasifhehaddiscoveredthemhimself.I’dneverheardofthem,butatthatmoment,itwasthebestsongI’deverheard.IwentoutandboughtTenandlistenedtoitonrepeat.WhenIlistenedtotrackfive,“Black,”itwaslikeIwasthere,inthatmomentalloveragain.
Afterthesummerwasover,whenIgotbackhome,Iwenttothemusicstoreandboughtthesheetmusicandlearnedtoplayitonthepiano.IthoughtonedayIcouldaccompanyConradandwecouldbe,like,aband.Whichwassostupid,thesummerhousedidn’tevenhaveapiano.Susannahtriedtogetoneforthesummerhouse,soIcouldpractice,butmymotherwouldn’tlether.
chapternine
AtnightwhenIcouldn’tsleep,I’dsneakdownstairsandgoforaswiminthepool.I’dstartdoinglaps,andI’dkeepgoinguntilIfelttired.WhenIwenttobed,mymusclesfeltniceandsorebutalsoshiveryandrelaxed.IlovedbundlingmyselfupafteraswiminoneofSusannah’scornflowerbluebathsheets—I’dneverevenheardofbathsheetsbeforeSusannah.Andthen,tiptoeingbackupstairs,fallingasleepwithmyhairstillwet.Yousleepsowellafteryou’vebeeninthewater.It’slikenootherfeeling.
TwosummersagoSusannahfoundmedownthere,andsomenightsshe’dswimwithme.I’dbeunderwater,doingmylaps,andI’dfeelherdiveinandstarttoswimontheothersideofthepool.Wewouldn’ttalk;we’djustswim,butitwascomfortingtohaveherthere.ItwastheonlytimethatsummerthatIeversawherwithoutherwig.
Backthen,becauseofthechemo,Susannahworeherwigallthetime.Noonesawherwithoutit,notevenmymother.Susannahhadhadtheprettiesthair.Long,caramel-colored,softascottoncandy.Herwigdidn’tevencompare,anditwasrealhumanhairandeverything,thebestmoneycouldbuy.Afterthechemo,afterherhairgrewback,shekeptitshort,cutrightbelowherchin.Itwaspretty,butitwasn’tthesame.Lookingathernow,you’dneverknowwhosheusedtobe,withherhairlonglikeateenager,likemine.
Thatfirstnightofthesummer,Icouldn’tsleep.Italwaystookmeanightortwotogetusedtomybedagain,eventhoughI’dsleptinitprettymucheverysummerofmylife.Itossedandturnedforawhile,andthenIcouldn’tstanditanymore.Iputonmybathingsuit,myoldswimteamonethatbarelyfitanymore,withthegoldstripesandtheracerback.Itwasmyfirstnightswimofthesummer.
WhenIswamaloneatnight,everythingfeltsomuchclearer.Listeningtomyselfbreatheinandout,itmademefeelcalmandsteadyandstrong.LikeIcouldswimforever.
Iswambackandforthafewtimes,andonthefourthlap,Istartedtoflipturn,butIkickedsomethingsolid.IcameupforairandsawitwasConrad’sleg.Hewassittingontheedgeofthepoolwithhisfeetdanglingin.He’dbeenwatchingmethatwholetime.Andhewassmokingacigarette.
Istayedunderwateruptomychin—Iwassuddenlyawareofhowmybathingsuitwastoosmallformenow.TherewasnowayIwasgettingoutofthewaterwithhimstillthere.
“Sincewhendidyoustartsmoking?”Iaskedaccusingly.“Andwhatareyoudoingdownhereanyway?”
“Whichdoyouwantmetoanswerfirst?”Hehadthatamused,condescendingConradlookonhisface,theonethatdrovemecrazy.
Iswamovertothewallandrestedmyarmsontheedge.“Thesecond.”
“Icouldn’tsleepsoIwentforawalk,”hesaid,shrugging.Hewaslying.He’donlycomeoutsidetosmoke.
“HowdidyouknowIwasouthere?”Idemanded.
“Youalwaysswimouthereatnight,Belly.Comeon.”Hetookadragofhiscigarette.
HeknewIswamatnight?I’dthoughtitwasmyspecialsecret,mineandSusannah’s.Iwonderedhowlonghehadknown.Iwonderedifeveryoneknew.Ididn’tevenknowwhyitmattered,butitdid.Tome,itdid.“Okay,fine.Thenwhendidyoustartsmoking?”
“Idon’tknow.Lastyear,maybe.”Hewasbeingvagueonpurpose.Itwasmaddening.
“Well,youshouldn’t.Youshouldquitrightnow.Areyouaddicted?”
Helaughed.“No.”
“Thenquit.Ifyouputyourmindtoit,Iknowyoucan.”Ifheputhismindtoit,Iknewhecoulddoanything.
“MaybeIdon’twantto.”
“Youshould,Conrad.Smokingissobadforyou.”
“WhatwillyougivemeifIdo?”heaskedteasingly.Heheldthecigaretteintheair,abovehisbeercan.
Theairfeltdifferentallofasudden.Itfeltcharged,electric,likeIhadbeenzappedbyathunderbolt.Iletgooftheedgeandstartedtotreadwater,awayfromhim.ItfeltlikeforeverbeforeIspoke.“Nothing,”Isaid.“Youshouldquitforyourself.”
“You’reright,”hesaid,andthemomentwasover.Hestoodupandgroundhiscigaretteoutonthetopofthecan.“Goodnight,Belly.Don’tstayoutheretoolate.Youneverknowwhatkindofmonsterscomeoutatnight.”
Everythingfeltnormalagain.Isplashedwaterathislegsashewalkedaway.“Screwyou,”Isaidtohisback.AlongtimeagoConradandJeremiahandStevenconvincedmethattherewasachildkillerontheloose,thekindwholikedchubbylittlegirlswithbrownhairandgrayish-blueeyes.
“Wait!Areyouquittingornot?”Iyelled.
Hedidn’tanswerme.Hejustlaughed.Icouldtellbythewayhisshouldersshookasheclosedthegate.
Afterheleft,Ifellbackintothewaterandfloated.Icouldfeelmyheartbeatingthroughmyears.Itthuddedquick-quick-quicklikeametronome.Conradwasdifferent.I’dsensedsomethingevenatdinner,beforehe’dtoldmeaboutAubrey.Hehadchanged.Andyet,thewayheaffectedmewasstillthesame.Itfeltjustexactlythesame.ItfeltlikeIwasatthetopoftheGrizzlyatKingsDominion,rightabouttogodownthefirsthill.
chapterten
“Belly,haveyoucalledyourdadyet?”mymotheraskedme.
“No.”
“Ithinkyoushouldcallhimandtellhimhowyou’redoing.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Idoubthe’ssittingathomeworryingaboutit.”
“Still.”
“Well,haveyoumadeStevencallhim?”Icountered.
“No,Ihaven’t,”shesaid,hertonelevel.“YourdadandStevenareabouttospendtwoweekstogetherlookingatcolleges.You,ontheotherhand,won’tgettoseehimuntiltheendofsummer.”
Whydidshehavetobesoreasonable?Everythingwasthatwaywithher.MymotherwastheonlypersonIknewwhocouldhaveareasonabledivorce.
Mymothergotupandhandedmethephone.“Callyourfather,”shesaid,leavingtheroom.ShealwayslefttheroomwhenIcalledmyfather,likeshewasgivingmeprivacy.AsifthereweresomesecretsIneededtotellmyfatherthatIcouldn’ttellhiminfrontofher.
Ididn’tcallhim.Iputthephonebackinitscradle.Heshouldbetheonecallingme;nottheotherwayaround.Hewasthefather;Iwasjustthekid.Andanyway,dadsdidn’tbelonginthesummerhouse.NotmyfatherandnotMr.Fisher.Sure,they’dcometovisit,butitwasn’ttheirplace.Theydidn’tbelongtoit.Notthewaywealldid,themothersanduskids.
chaptereleven
AGE9
Wewereplayingcardsoutsideontheporch,andmymotherandSusannahweredrinkingmargaritasandplayingtheirowncardgame.Thesunwasstartingtogodown,andsoonthemotherswouldhavetogoinsideandboilcornandhotdogs.Butnotyet.Firsttheyplayedcards.
“Laurel,whydoyoucallmymomBeckwheneveryoneelsecallsherSusannah?”Jeremiahwantedtoknow.Heandmybrother,Steven,wereateam,andtheywerelosing.CardgamesboredJeremiah,andhewasalwayslookingforsomethingmoreinterestingtodo,totalkabout.
“BecausehermaidennameisBeck,”mymotherexplained,grindingoutacigarette.Theyonlysmokedwhentheyweretogether,soitwasaspecialoccasion.MymothersaidsmokingwithSusannahmadeherfeelyoungagain.Isaiditwouldshortenherlifespanbyyearsbutshewavedoffmyworriesandcalledmeadoomsdayer.
“What’samaidenname?”Jeremiahasked.MybrothertappedJeremiah’shandofcardstogethimbackintothegame,butJeremiahignoredhim.
“It’salady’snamebeforeshegetsmarried,dipwad,”saidConrad.
“Don’tcallhimdipwad,Conrad,”Susannahsaidautomatically,sortingthroughherhand.
“Butwhydoesshehavetochangehernameatall?”Jeremiahwondered.
“Shedoesn’t.Ididn’t.MynameisLaurelDunne,sameasthedayIwasborn.Nice,huh?”MymotherlikedtofeelsuperiortoSusannahfornotchanginghername.“Afterall,whyshouldawomanhavetochangehernameforaman?Sheshouldn’t.”
“Laurel,pleaseshutup,”saidSusannah,throwingafewcardsdownontothetable.“Gin.”
Mymothersighed,andthrewhercardsdowntoo.“Idon’twanttoplayginanymore.Let’splaysomethingelse.Let’splaygofishwiththeseguys.”
“Soreloser,”Susannahsaid.
“Mom,we’renotplayinggofish.We’replayinghearts,andyoucan’tplaybecauseyoualwaystrytocheat,”Isaid.Conradwasmypartner,andIwasprettysureweweregoingtowin.Ihadpickedhimonpurpose.Conradwasgoodatwinning.Hewasthefastestswimmer,thebestboogieboarder,andhealways,alwayswonatcards.
Susannahclappedherhandstogetherandlaughed.“Laur,thisgirlisyoualloveragain.”
Mymothersaid,“No,Belly’sherfather’sdaughter,”andtheyexchangedthissecretlookthatmademewanttosay,“What,what?”ButIknewmymotherwouldneversay.Shewasasecret-keeper,alwayshadbeen.AndIguessedIdidlooklikemyfather:Ihadhiseyesthatturnedupatthecorners,alittlegirlversionofhisnose,hischinthatjuttedout.AllIhadofmymotherwasherhands.
ThenthemomentwasoverandSusannahsmiledatmeandsaid,“You’reabsolutelyright,Belly.Yourmotherdoescheat.She’salwayscheatedathearts.Cheatersneverprosper,children.”
Susannahwasalwayscallinguschildren,butthethingwas,Ididn’tevenmind.NormallyIwould.ButthewaySusannahsaidit,itdidn’tseemlikeabadthing,notlikeweweresmallandbabyish.Insteaditsoundedlikewehadourwholelivesinfrontofus.
chaptertwelve
Mr.Fisherwouldpopinthroughoutthesummer,anoccasionalweekendandalwaysthefirstweekofAugust.Hewasabanker,andgettingawayforanyreallengthoftimewas,accordingtohim,simplyimpossible.Andanyway,itwasbetterwithouthimthere,whenitwasjustus.WhenMr.Fishercametotown,whichwasn’tveryoften,Istoodupalittlestraighter.Everyonedid.Well,exceptSusannahandmymother,ofcourse.Thefunnythingwas,mymotherhadknownMr.FisherforaslongasSusannahhad—thethreeofthemhadgonetocollegetogether,andtheirschoolwassmall.
SusannahalwaystoldmetocallMr.Fisher“Adam,”butIcouldneverdoit.Itjustdidn’tsoundright.Mr.Fisherwaswhatsoundedright,sothat’swhatIcalledhim,andthat’swhatStevencalledhimtoo.Ithinksome-thingabouthiminspiredpeopletocallhimthat,andnotjustkids,either.Ithinkhepreferreditthatway.
He’darriveatdinnertimeonFridaynight,andwe’dwaitforhim.Susannahwouldfixhisfavoritedrinkandhaveitready,gingerandMaker’sMark.Mymotherteasedherforwaitingonhim,butSusannahdidn’tmind.MymotherteasedMr.Fisher,too,infact.Heteasedherrightback.Maybeteasingisn’ttherightword.Itwasmorelikebickering.Theybickeredalot,buttheysmiled,too.Itwasfunny:Mymotherandfatherhadrarelyargued,buttheyhadn’tsmiledthatmucheither.
IguessMr.Fisherwasgood-looking,foradad.Hewasbetter-lookingthanmyfatheranyway,buthewasalsovainerthanhim.Idon’tknowthathewasasgood-lookingasSusannahwasbeautiful,butthatmight’vejustbeenbecauseIlovedSusannahmorethanalmostanyone,andwhocouldevermeasureuptoapersonlikethat?Sometimesit’slikepeopleareamilliontimesmorebeautifultoyouinyourmind.It’slikeyouseethemthroughaspeciallens—butmaybeifit’showyouseethem,that’showtheyreallyare.It’slikethewholetreefallingintheforestthing.
Mr.Fishergaveuskidsatwentyanytimewewentanywhere.Conradwasalwaysinchargeofit.“Foricecream,”he’dsay.“Buyyourselvessomethingsweet.”Somethingsweet.Itwasalwayssomethingsweet.Conradworshippedhim.Hisdadwashishero.Foralongtime,anyway.Longerthanmostpeople.IthinkmydadstoppedbeingmyherowhenIsawhimwithoneofhisPhDstudentsafterheandmymotherseparated.Shewasn’tevenpretty.
Itwouldbeeasytoblamemydadforthewholething—thedivorce,thenewapartment.ButifIblamedanyone,itwasmymother.Whydidshehavetobesocalm,soplacid?Atleastmyfathercried.Atleasthewasinpain.Mymothersaidnothing,revealednothing.Ourfamilybrokeup,andshejustwenton.Itwasn’tright.
Whenwegothomefromthebeachthatsummer,mydadhadalreadymovedout—hisfirst-editionHemingways,hischessset,hisBillyJoelCDs,Claude.Claudewashiscat,andhebelongedtomydadinawaythathedidn’ttoanyoneelse.ItwasonlyrightthathetookClaude.Still,Iwassad.Inaway,Claudebeinggonewasalmostworsethanmydad,becauseClaudewassopermanentinthewayhelivedinourhouse,thewayheinhabitedeverysinglespace.Itwaslikeheownedtheplace.
MydadtookmeoutforlunchtoApplebee’s,andhesaid,apologetically,“I’msorryItookClaude.Doyoumisshim?”HehadRussiandressingonhisbeard,newlygrownout,formostofthelunch.Itwasannoying.Thebeardwasannoying;thelunchwasannoying.
“No,”Isaid.Icouldn’tlookupfrommyFrenchonionsoup.“He’syoursanyway.”
SomyfathergotClaude,andmymothergotStevenandme.Itworkedoutforeveryone.Wesawmyfathermostweekends.We’dstayathisnewapartmentthatsmelledlikemildew,nomatterhowmuchincensehelit.
Ihatedincense,andsodidmymother.Itmademesneeze.Ithinkitmademyfatherfeelindependentandexotictolightalltheincensehewanted,inhisnewpad,ashecalledit.AssoonasIwalkedintotheapartment,Isaidaccusingly,“Haveyoubeenlightingincenseinhere?”Hadheforgottenaboutmyallergyalready?
Guiltily,myfatheradmittedthatyes,hehadlitsomeincense,buthewouldn’tdoitanymore.Hestilldid,though.HediditwhenIwasn’tthere,outthewindow,butIcouldstillsmellthestuff.
Itwasatwo-bedroomapartment;hesleptinthemasterbedroom,andIsleptintheotheroneinalittletwinbedwithpinksheets.Mybrothersleptonthepulloutcouch.Which,Iwasactuallyjealousof,becausehegottostayupwatchingTV.AllmyroomhadwasabedandawhitedressersetthatIbarelyevenused.Onlyonedrawerhadclothesinit.Therestwereempty.Therewasabookshelftoo,withbooksmyfatherhadboughtforme.Myfatherwasalwaysbuyingmebooks.HekepthopingI’dturnoutsmartlikehim,someonewholovedwords,lovedtoread.Ididliketoread,butnotthewayhewantedmeto.Notinthewayofbeing,like,ascholar.Ilikednovels,notnonfiction.AndIhatedthosescratchypinksheets.Ifhehadaskedme,Iwouldhavetoldhimyellow,notpink.
Hedidtry,though.Inhisownway,hetried.Heboughtasecondhandpianoandcrammeditintothediningroom,justforme.SoIcouldstillpracticeevenwhenIstayedoverthere,hesaid.Ihardlydid,though—thepianowasoutoftune,andIneverhadthehearttotellhim.
It’spartofwhyIlongedforsummer.ItmeantIdidn’thavetostayatmyfather’ssadlittleapartment.Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tlikeseeinghim:Idid.Imissedhimsomuch.Butthatapartment,itwasdepressing.IwishedIcouldseehimatourhouse.Ourrealhouse.Iwisheditcouldbelikeitusedtobe.Andsincemymotherhadusmostofthesummer,hetookStevenandmeonatripwhenwegotback.UsuallyitwastoFloridatoseeourgrandmother.WecalledherGranna.Itwasadepressingtriptoo—Grannaspentthewholetimetryingtoconvincehimtogetbacktogetherwithmymother,whomsheadored.“HaveyoutalkedwithLaurellately?”she’dask,evenwaylongafterthedivorce.
Ihatedhearinghernaghimaboutit;itwasn’tlikeitwasinhiscontrolanyway.Itwashumiliating,becauseitwasmymotherwhohadsplitupwithhim.Itwasshewhohadprecipitatedthedivorce,hadpushedthewholething,Iknewthatmuchforsure.Myfatherwouldhavebeenperfectlycontentcarryingon,livinginourbluetwo-storywithClaudeandallhisbooks.
MydadoncetoldmethatWinstonChurchillsaidthatRussiawasariddle,wrappedinamystery,insideanenigma.Accordingtomydad,Churchillhadbeentalkingaboutmymother.Thiswasbeforethedivorce,andhesaidithalf-bitterly,half-respectfully.Becauseevenwhenhehatedher,headmiredher.
Ithinkhewouldhavestayedwithherforever,tryingtofigureoutthemystery.Hewasapuzzlesolver,thekindofpersonwholikestheorems,theories.Xalwayshadtoequalsomething.Itcouldn’tjustbeX
Tome,mymotherwasn’tthatmysterious.Shewasmymother.Alwaysreasonable,alwayssureofherself.Tome,shewasaboutasmysteriousasaglassofwater.Sheknewwhatshewanted;sheknewwhatshedidn’twant.Andthatwastobemarriedtomyfather.Iwasn’tsureifitwasthatshefelloutofloveorifitwasthatshejustneverwas.Inlove,Imean.
WhenwewereatGranna’s,mymothertookoffononeofhertrips.She’dgotofar-offplaceslikeHungaryorAlaska.Shealwayswentalone.Shetookpictures,butIneveraskedtolookatthem,andsheneveraskedifIwantedto.
chapterthirteen
IwassittinginanAdirondackchaireatingtoastandreadingamagazinewhenmymothercameoutandjoinedme.Shehadthatseriouslookonherface,herlookofpurpose,theoneshegotwhenshewantedtohaveoneofhermother-daughtertalks.IdreadedthosetalksthesamewayIdreadedmyperiod.
“Whatareyoudoingtoday?”sheaskedmecasually.
Istuffedtherestofmytoastintomymouth.“This?”
“MaybeyoucouldgetstartedonyoursummerreadingforAPEnglish,”shesaid,reachingoverandbrushingsomecrumbsoffmychin.
“Yeah,Iwasplanningonit,”Isaid,eventhoughIhadn’tbeen.
Mymotherclearedherthroat.“IsConraddoingdrugs?”sheaskedme.
“What?”
“IsConraddoingdrugs?”
Ialmostchoked.“No!Whyareyouaskingmeanyway?Conraddoesn’ttalktome.AskSteven.”
“Ialreadydid.Hedoesn’tknow.Hewouldn’tlie,”shesaid,peeringatme
“Well,Iwouldn’teither!”
Mymothersighed.“Iknow.Beck’sworried.He’sbeenactingdifferently.Hequitfootball…”
“Iquitdance,”Isaid,rollingmyeyes.“Andyoudon’tseemerunningaroundwithacrackpipe.”
Shepursedherlips.“Willyoupromisetotellmeifyouhearsomething?”
“Idon’tknow…,”Isaidteasingly.Ididn’tneedtopromiseher.IknewConradwasn’tdoingdrugs.Abeerwasonething,buthewouldneverdodrugs.Iwouldbetmylifeonit.
“Belly,thisisserious.”
“Mom,chill.He’snotdoingdrugs.When’dyouturnintosuchanarc,anyway?You’reonetotalk.”Ielbowedherplayfully.
Shebitbackasmileandshookherhead.“Don’tstart.”
chapterfourteen
AGE13
Thefirsttimetheydidit,theythoughtwedidn’tknow.Itwasactuallyprettystupidofthem,becauseitwasoneofthoserarenightswhenwewereallathome.Wewereinthelivingroom.Conradwaslisteningtomusicwithhisheadphoneson,andJeremiahandStevenwereplayingavideogame.IwassittingontheLa-Z-BoyreadingEmma—mostlybecauseIthoughtitmademelooksmart,notreallybecauseIenjoyedit.IfIwasreadingforreal,IwouldbelockedinmyroomwithFlowersintheAtticorsomethingandnotJaneAusten.
IthinkStevensmelleditfirst.Helookedaround,sniffedlikeadog,andthensaid,“Doyouguyssmellthat?”
“Itoldyounottoeatallthosebakedbeans,Steven,”Jeremiahsaid,hiseyesfocusedontheTVscreen.
Isnickered.Butitwasn’tgas;Ismelledittoo.Itwaspot.“It’spot,”Isaid,loudly.Iwantedtobetheonewhosaiditfirst,toprovehowsophisticatedandknowledgeableIwas.
“Noway,”saidJeremiah.
Conradtookoffhisheadphonesandsaid,“Belly’sright.It’spot.”
Stevenpausedthegameandturnedtolookatme.“Howdoyouknowwhatpotsmellslike,Belly?”heaskedmesuspiciously.
“Because,Steven,Igethighallthetime.I’maburnout.Youdidn’tknow?”IhateditwhenStevenpulledthebigbrotherroutine,especiallyinfrontofConradandJeremiah.Itwaslikehewastryingtomakemefeelsmallonpurpose
Heignoredme.“Isthatcomingfromupstairs?”
“It’smymom’s,”Conradsaid,puttinghisheadphonesbackonagain.“Forherchemo.”
Jeremiahdidn’tknow,Icouldtell.Hedidn’tsayanything,buthelookedconfusedandevenhurt,thewayhescratchedthebackofhisneckandlookedoffintospaceforaminute.StevenandIexchangedalook.Itwasawkward,wheneverSusannah’scancercameup,thetwoofusbeingoutsidersandall.Weneverknewwhattosay,sowedidn’tsayanything.Wemostlypretendeditwasn’thappening,thewayJeremiahdid.
Mymotherdidn’t,though.Shewasmatter-of-fact,calm,thewaysheisabouteverything.Susannahsaidmymothermadeherfeelnormal.Mymotherwasgoodatthat,makingpeoplefeelnormal.Safe.Likeaslongasshewasthere,nothingtrulybadcouldhappen.
Whentheycamedownstairsalittlewhilelater,theyweregigglingliketwoteenagerswhohadsnuckintotheirparents’liquorcabinet.ClearlymymotherhadpartakeninSusannah’sstashaswell.
StevenandIexchangedanotherlook,thistimeahorrifiedone.Mymotherwasprobablythelastpersononearthwhowouldsmokepot,withtheexceptionofourgrandmotherGran,hermother.
“DidyoukidseatalltheCheetos?”mymotherasked,rummagingthroughacabinet.“I’mstarving.”
“Yes,”Stevensaid.Hecouldn’tevenlookather.
“WhataboutthatbagofFritos?Getthose,”Susannahordered,comingupbehindmyLa-Z-Boy.Shetouchedmyhairlightly,whichIloved.Susannahwasmuchmoreaffectionatethanmymotherinthosekindsofways,andshewasalwayscallingmethedaughtersheneverhad.Shelovedsharingmewithmymother,andmymotherdidn’tmind.NeitherdidI.
“HowareyoulikingEmmasofar?”sheaskedme.Susannahhadawayoffocusingonyouthatmadeyoufeellikethemostinterestingpersonintheroom.
IopenedmymouthtolieandtellherhowgreatIthoughtitwas,butbeforeIcould,Conradsaidveryloudly,“Shehasn’tturnedapageinoveranhour.”Hewasstillwearinghisheadphones.
Iglaredathim,butinsideIwasthrilledthathehadnoticed.Foronce,hehadbeenwatchingme.Butofcoursehe’dnoticed—Conradnoticedeverything.Conradwouldnoticeiftheneighbor’sdoghadmorecrustinitsrighteyethanitsleft,orifthepizzadeliveryguywasdrivingadifferentcar.Itwasn’treallyacomplimenttobenoticedbyConrad.Itwasamatteroffact.
“You’llloveitonceitgetsgoing,”Susannahassuredme,sweepingmybangsacrossmyforehead.
“Italwaystakesmeawhiletogetintoabook,”Isaid,inawaythatsoundedlikeIwassayingsorry.Ididn’twanthertofeelbad,seeingashowshewastheonewho’drecommendedittome.
ThenmymothercameintotheroomwithabagofTwizzlersandthehalf-eatenbagofFritos.ShetossedaTwizzleratSusannahandsaid,belatedly,“Catch!”
Susannahreachedforit,butitfellonthefloor,andshegiggledasshepickeditup.“Clumsyme,”shesaid,chewingononeendlikeitwasstrawandshewasahick.“Whateverhasgottenintome?”
“Mom,everyoneknowsyouguysweresmokingpotupstairs,”Conradsaid,justbarelybobbinghisheadtothemusicthatonlyhecouldhear.
Susannahcoveredhermouthwithherhand.Shedidn’tsayanything,butshelookedgenuinelyupset.
“Whoops,”mymothersaid.“Iguessthecat’soutofthebag,Beck.Boys,yourmother’sbeentakingmedicinalmarijuanatohelpwiththenauseafromherchemo.”
Stevendidn’tlookawayfromtheTVwhenhesaid,“Whataboutyou,Mom?Areyoutokingupbecauseofyourchemotoo?”
Iknewhewastryingtolightenthemood,anditworked.Stevenwasgoodatthat.
Susannahchokedoutalaugh,andmymotherthrewaTwizzleratthebackofSteven’shead.“Smart-ass.I’mofferingupmoralsupporttomybestfriendintheworld.Thereareworsethings.”
StevenpickedtheTwizzlerupanddusteditoffbeforepoppingitintohismouth.“SoIguessit’sokaywithyouifIsmokeuptoo?”
“Whenyougetbreastcancer,”mymothertoldhim,exchangingasmilewithSusannah,herbestfriendintheworld.
“Orwhenyourbestfrienddoes,”Susannahsaid.
Throughoutallofthis,Jeremiahwasn’tsayinganything.HejustkeptlookingatSusannahandthenbackattheTV,likehewasworriedshewouldvanishintothinairwhilehisbackwasturned.
Ourmothersthoughtwewereallatthebeachthatafternoon.Theydidn’tknowthatJeremiahandIhadgottenboredanddecidedtocomebacktothehouseforasnack.Aswewalkeduptheporchsteps,weheardthemtalkingthroughthewindowscreen.
JeremiahstoppedwhenheheardSusannahsay,“Laur,Ihatemyselfforeventhinkingthis,butIalmostthinkI’dratherdiethanlosemybreast.”Jeremiahstoppedbreathingashestoodthere,listening.Thenhesatdown,andIdidtoo.
Mymothersaid,“Iknowyoudon’tmeanthat.”
Ihateditwhenmymothersaidthat,andIguessedSusannahdidtoobecauseshesaid,“Don’ttellmewhatImean,”andI’dneverheardhervoicelikethatbefore—harsh,angry.
“Okay.Okay.Iwon’t.”
Susannahstartedtocrythen.Andeventhoughwecouldn’tseethem,IknewthatmymotherwasrubbingSusannah’sbackinwidecircles,thesamewayshedidminewhenIwasupset.
IwishedIcoulddothatforJeremiah.Iknewitwouldmakehimfeelbetter,butIcouldn’t.Instead,Ireachedoverandgrabbedhishandandsqueezedittight.Hedidn’tlookatme,buthedidn’tletgoeither.Thiswasthemomentwhenwebecametrue,realfriends.
Thenmymothersaidinhermostserious,mostdeadpanvoice,“Yourboobsreallyareprettygoddamnamazing.”
Susannahburstoutintolaughterthatsoundedlikeasealbarking,andthenshewaslaughingandcryingatthesametime.Everythingwasgoingtobeokay.Ifmymotherwascussing,ifSusannahwaslaughing,itwouldallbefine.
IletgoofJeremiah’shandandstoodup.Hedidtoo.Wewalkedbacktothebeach,neitherofussayinganything.Whatwastheretosay?“Sorryyourmomhascancer”?“Ihopeshedoesn’tloseaboob”?
Whenwegotbacktoourstretchofbeach,ConradandStevenhadjustcomeoutofthewaterwiththeirboogieboards.Westillweren’tsayinganything,andStevennoticed.IguessedConraddidtoo,buthedidn’tsayanything.ItwasStevenwhosaid,“What’swithyouguys?”
“Nothing,”Isaid,pullingmykneestomychest.
“Didyouguysjusthaveyourfirstkissorsomething?”hesaid,shakingwateroffhistrunksandontomyknees.
“Shutup,”Itoldhim.Iwastemptedtopantshimjusttochangethesubject.Thesummerbefore,theboyshadgonethroughanobsessionwithpantsingoneanotherinpublic.Ihadneverparticipated,butatthatmomentIreallywantedto
“Aww,Iknewit!”hesaid,jabbingmeintheshoulder.Ishruggedhimoffandtoldhimtoshutupagain.Hestartedtosing,“Summerlovin’,hadmeablast,summerlovin’,happenedsofast…”
“Steven,quitbeingdumb,”Isaid,turningtoshakemyheadandrollmyeyeswithJeremiah.
ButthenJeremiahstoodup,brushedsandoffhisshorts,andstartedwalkingtowardthewaterandawayfromus,awayfromthehouse.
“Jeremiah,areyouonyourperiodorsomething?Iwasjustkidding,man!”Stevencalledtohim.Jeremiahdidn’tturnaround;hejustkeptwalkingdowntheshore.“Comeon!”
“Justleavehimalone,”Conradsaid.Thetwoofthemneverseemedparticularlyclose,butthereweretimeswhenIsawhowwelltheyunderstoodeachother,andthiswasoneofthem.SeeingConradprotectiveofJeremiahmademefeelthishugesurgeofloveforhim—itfeltlikeawaveinmychestwashingoverme.Whichthenmademefeelguilty,becausewhyshouldIbefeedingintoacrushwhenSusannahhadcancer?
IcouldtellStevenfeltbad,andalsoconfused.ItwasunlikeJeremiahtowalkaway.Hewasalwaysthefirsttolaugh,tojokerightback.
AndbecauseIfeltlikerubbingsaltinthewound,Isaid,“You’resuchanasshole,Steven.”
Stevengapedatme.“Geez,whatdidIdo?”
Iignoredhimandfellbackontothetowelandclosedmyeyes.IwishedIhadConrad’searphones.Ikindofwantedtoforgetthisdayeverhappened.
Later,whenConradandStevendecidedtogonightfishing,Jeremiahdeclined,eventhoughnightfishingwashisfavorite.Hewasalwaystryingtogetpeopletogonightfishingwithhim.Thatnighthesaidhewasn’tinthemood.Sotheyleft,andJeremiahstayedbehind,withme.WewatchedTVandplayedcards.Wespentmostofthesummerdoingthat,justus.Wecementedthingsbetweenusthatsummer.He’dwakemeupearlysomemornings,andwewouldgocollectshellsorsandcrabs,orrideourbikestotheicecreamplacethreemilesaway.Whenitwasjustustwo,hedidn’tjokearoundasmuch,buthewasstillJeremiah.
FromthatsummeronIfeltclosertoJeremiahthanIdidtomyownbrother.Jeremiahwasnicer.Maybebecausehewassomebody’slittlesiblingtoo,ormaybejustbecausehewasthatkindofperson.Hewasnicetoeverybody.Hehadatalentformakingpeoplefeelcomfortable.
chapterfifteen
Ithadbeenrainingforthreedays.Byfouro’clockthethirdday,Jeremiahwasstir-crazy.Hewasn’tthekindofpersontostayinside;hewasalwaysmoving.Alwaysonhiswaysomewherenew.Hesaidhecouldn’ttakeitanymoreandaskedwhowantedtogotothemovies.TherewasonlyonemovietheaterinCousinsbesidesthedrive-in,anditwasinamall.
Conradwasinhisroom,andwhenJeremiahwentupandaskedhimtocome,hesaidno.He’dbeenspendinganawfullotoftimealone,inhisroom,andIcouldtellithurtSteven’sfeelings.He’dbeleavingsoonforacollegeroadtripwithourdad,andConraddidn’tseemtocare.WhenConradwasn’tatwork,hewastoobusystrumminghisguitarandlisteningtomusic.
SoitwasjustJeremiah,Steven,andme.Iconvincedthemtowatcharomanticcomedyabouttwodogwalkerswhowalkthesamerouteandfallinlove.Itwastheonlythingplaying.Thenextmoviewouldn’tstartforanotherhour.Aboutfiveminutesin,Stevenstoodup,disgusted.“Ican’twatchthis,”hesaid.“Youcoming,Jere?”
Jeremiahsaid,“Nah,I’llstaywithBelly.”
Stevenlookedsurprised.Heshruggedandsaid,“I’llmeetyouguyswhenit’sover.”
Iwassurprisedtoo.Itwasprettyawful.
NotlongafterStevenleft,abigburlyguysatintheseatrightinfrontofme.“I’lltradeyou,”Jeremiahwhispered.
Ithoughtaboutdoingthefake“That’sokay”thingbutdecidedagainstit.ThiswasJeremiah,afterall.Ididn’thavetobepolite.SoinsteadIsaidthanksandwetraded.ToseethescreenJeremiahhadtokeepcraninghisnecktotherightandleantowardme.HishairsmelledlikeAsianpears,thisexpensiveshampooSusannahused.Itwasfunny.Hewasthisbigtallfootballguynow,andhesmelledsosweet.Everytimeheleanedin,Ibreathedinthesweetsmellofhishair.Iwishedmyhairsmelledlikethat.
Halfwaythroughthemovie,Jeremiahgotupsuddenly.Hewasgoneafewminutes.Whenhecameback,hehadalargesodaandapackofTwizzlers.Ireachedforthesodatotakeasip,buttherewerenostraws.“Youforgotthestraws,”Itoldhim.
HerippedtheplasticoffoftheTwizzlerboxandbittheendsoffoftwoTwizzlers.Thenheputtheminthecup.Hegrinnedbroadly.Helookedsoproudofhimself.I’dforgottenallaboutourTwizzlerstraws.Weusedtodoitallthetime.
Wesippedoutofthestrawsatthesametime,likeina1950sCokecommercial—headsbent,foreheadsalmosttouching.Iwonderedifpeoplethoughtwewereonadate.
Jeremiahlookedatme,andhesmiledinthisfamiliarway,andsuddenlyIhadthiscrazythought.Ithought,JeremiahFisherwantstokissme
Which,wascrazy.ThiswasJeremiah.He’dneverlookedatmelikethat,andasforme,ConradwastheoneIliked,evenwhenhewasmoodyandinaccessiblethewayhewasnow.IthadalwaysbeenConrad.I’dneverseriouslyconsideredJeremiah,notwithConradstandingthere.AndofcourseJeremiahhadneverlookedatmethatwaybeforeeither.Iwashispal.Hismovie-watchingpartner,thegirlhesharedabathroomwith,sharedsecretswith.Iwasn’tthegirlhekissed.
chaptersixteen
AGE14
IknewbringingTaylorwasamistake.Iknewit.IknewitandIdiditanyway.TaylorJewel,mybestfriend.TheboysinourgradecalledherJewel,whichshepretendedtohatebutsecretlyloved.
TaylorusedtosaythateverytimeIcamebackfromthesummerhouse,shehadtowinmeoveragain.Shehadtomakemewanttobethere,inmyreallifewithschoolandschoolboysandschoolfriends.She’dtrytopairmeupwiththecutestfriendoftheguyshewasobsessedwithatthetime.I’dgoalongwithit,andmaybewe’dgotothemoviesortotheWaffleHouse,butI’dneverreallybethere,notcompletely.Thoseboysdidn’tcomparetoConradorJeremiah,sowhatwasthepoint?
Taylorwasalwaystheprettyone,theonetheboyslookedatforthatextrabeat.Iwasthefunnyone,theonewhomadetheboyslaugh.IthoughtthatbybringingherI’dbeprovingthatIwasaprettyonetoo.See?See,I’mlikeher;wearethesame.Butweweren’t,andeverybodyknewit.IthoughtthatbringingTaylorwouldguaranteemeaninvitationtotheboys’late-nightwalksontheboardwalkandtheirnightsonthebeachinsleepingbags.Ithoughtitwouldopenupmywholesocialworldthatsummer,thatIwouldfinally,finallybeinthethickofthings.
Iwasrightaboutthatpartatleast.
Taylorhadbeenbeggingmetobringherforforever.I’dresistedher,sayingit’dbetoocrowded,butshewasverypersuasive.Itwasmyownfault.I’dbraggedabouttheboystoomuch.Anddeepdown,Ididwantherthere.Shewasmybestfriend,afterall.Shehatedthatwedidn’tshareeverything—everymoment,everyexperience.WhenshejoinedtheSpanishclub,sheinsistedIjointoo,eventhoughIdidn’ttakeSpanish.“ForwhenwegotoCaboaftergraduation,”shesaid.IwantedtogototheGalápagosIslandsforgraduation,thatwasmydream.Iwantedtoseeablue-footedbooby.Mydadsaidhe’dtakemetoo.Ididn’ttellTaylor,though.Shewouldn’tlikeit.
MymotherandIpickedTaylorupattheairport.ShewalkedofftheplaneinapairofshortshortsandatanktopI’dneverseenbefore.Huggingher,ItriednottosoundjealouswhenIsaid,“When’dyougetthat?”
“MymomtookmeshoppingforbeachstuffrightbeforeIleft,”shesaid,handingmeoneofherduffelbags.“Cute,right?”
“Yeah,cute.”Herbagwasheavy.Iwonderedifshe’dforgottenshewasonlystayingaweek.
“ShefeelsbadsheandDaddyaregettingadivorcesoshe’sbuyingmeallkindsofstuff,”Taylorcontinued,rollinghereyes.“Weevengotmani-pedistogether.Look!”Taylorliftedupherrighthand.Hernailswerepaintedaraspberrycolor,andtheywerelongandsquare.
“Arethosereal?”
“Yeah!Duh.Idon’twearfake,Belly.”
“ButIthoughtyouhadtokeepyournailsshortforviolin.”
“Oh,that.Mommyfinallyletmequitviolin.Divorceguilt,”shesaidknowingly.“Youknowhowitis.”
TaylorwastheonlygirlIknewouragewhostillcalledhermotherMommy.Shewastheonlyonewhocouldgetawaywithittoo.
Theboyscametoattentionrightaway.Rightawaytheylookedather,checkedouthersmallishB-cupsandherblondhair.It’saMiracleBra,Iwantedtotellthem.That’shalfabottleofSun-In.Herhairisn’tusuallythatyellow.Notthattheywould’vecaredeitherway.
Mybrother,ontheotherhand,barelylookedupfromtheTV.Taylorirritatedhim,alwayshad.Iwonderedifhe’dalreadywarnedConradandJeremiahabouther.
“Hi,Ste-ven,”shesaidinasingsongvoice.
“Hey,”hemumbled.
Taylorlookedatmeandcrossedhereyes.Grump,shemouthed,emphasisonthep
Ilaughed.“Taylor,thisisConradandJeremiah.Stevenyouknow.”Iwascuriousaboutwhoshe’dpick,whoshe’dthinkwascuter,funnier.Better.
“Hey,”shesaid,sizingthemup,andrightawayIcouldtellConradwastheone.AndIwasglad.BecauseIknewthatConradwouldnever,evergoforher.
“Hey,”theysaid.
ThenConradturnedbacktotheTVjustlikeIknewhewould.Jeremiahtreatedhertooneofhislopsidedsmilesandsaid,“Soyou’reBelly’sfriend,huh?Wethoughtshedidn’thaveanyfriends.”
Iwaitedforhimtogrinatmetoshowhewasjustjoking,buthedidn’tevenlookmyway.“Shutup,Jeremiah,”Isaid,andhegrinnedatmethen,butitwasaquickcursoryone,andhewentrightbacktolookingatTaylor.
“Bellyhastonsoffriends,”Taylorinformedhiminherbreezyway.“DoIlooklikesomeonewhowouldhangwithaloser?”
“Yes,”mybrothersaidfromthecouch.Hisheadpoppedup.“Youdo.”
Taylorglaredathim.“Gobacktojackingoff,Steven.”Sheturnedtomeandsaid,“Whydon’tyoushowmeourroom?”
“Yes,whydon’tyoudothat,Belly?Whydon’tyougobeTay-Tay’sslave?”Stevensaid.Thenhelaybackdownagain.
Iignoredhim.“Comeon,Taylor.”
Assoonaswegottomyroom,Taylorflungherselfontothebedbythewindow,mybed,theoneIalwayssleptin.“OhmyGod,heissocute.”
“Whichone?”Isaid,eventhoughIknew.
“Thedarkone,ofcourse.Ilovemymendark.”
InwardlyIrolledmyeyes.Men?Taylorhadonlyevergoneoutwithtwoboys,neitherofthemanythingclosetobeingmen.
“Idoubtitwillhappen,”Itoldher.“Conraddoesn’tcareaboutgirls.”Iknewthatwasn’ttrue;hedidcareaboutgirls.He’dcaredenoughaboutthatgirlAngiefromlastsummertogotosecondwithher,hadn’the?
Taylor’sbrowneyesgleamed.“Iloveachallenge.Didn’tIwinclasspresidentlastyear?Andclasssecretarytheyearbeforethat?”
“OfcourseIremember.Iwasyourcampaignmanager.ButConrad’sdifferent.He’s…”Ihesitated,searchingforjusttherightwordtoscareTayloroff.“Almost,like,disturbed.”
“What?”sheshrieked.
QuicklyIbacktracked.Maybe“disturbed”hadbeentoostrongaword.“Idon’tmean“disturbed,”exactly,buthecanbereallyintense.Serious.YoushouldgoforJeremiah.Ithinkhe’smoreyourtype.”
“Andjustwhatdoesthatmean,Belly?”Taylordemanded.“ThatI’mnotdeep?”
“Well—”Shewasaboutasdeepasaninflatablekiddiepool.
“Don’tanswerthat.”Tayloropenedupherduffelbagandstartedpullingthingsout.“Jeremiahiscute,butConrad’stheoneIwant.Iamgonnamakethatboy’sheadspin.”
“Don’tsayIdidn’twarnyou.”IwasalreadylookingforwardtosayingItoldyouso,wheneverthatmomentshouldarrive.Hopefullysoonerthanlater.
Sheliftedupayellowpolka-dotbikini.“Itsy-bitsyenoughforConrad,doyouthink?”
“Thatbikiniwouldn’tfitBridget,”Isaid.HerlittlesisterBridgetwasseven,andshewassmallforherage.
“Exactly.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Don’tsayIdidn’twarnyou.Andthat’smybedyou’resittingon.”
Thetwoofuschangedintooursuitsrightaway—Taylorintohertinyyellowbikiniandmeintomyblacktankiniwiththesupportbraandthereallyhighneckline.Aswechanged,shelookedmeoverandsaid,“Belly,yourboobshavereallygottenbig!”
IthrewmyT-shirtovermyheadandsaid,“Notreally.”
Butitwastrue,theyhad.Overnight,almost.Ididn’thavethemthesummerbefore,thatwasforsure.Ihatedthem.Theyslowedmedown:Icouldn’trunfastanymore—itwastooembarrassing.ItwaswhyIworebaggyT-shirtsandone-pieces.Icouldn’tstandtohearwhattheboyswouldsayaboutit.Theywouldteasemeforsure,andStevenwouldtellmetogoputsomeclotheson,whichwouldmakemewanttodie.
“Whatsizeareyounow?”sheaskedaccusingly.
“B,”Ilied.ItwasmorelikeaC.
Taylorlookedrelieved.“Oh,wellwe’restillthesame,then,becauseI’mpracticallyaB.Whydon’tyouwearoneofmybikinis?Youlooklikeyou’retryingoutfortheswimteaminthatone-piece.”Sheliftedupablue-and-whitestripedonewithredbowsonthesides.
“Iamontheswimteam,”Iremindedher.I’ddonewinterswimwithmyneighborhoodswimteam.Icouldn’tcompeteinsummerbecauseIwasalwaysatCousins.Beingontheswimteammademefeelconnectedtomysummerlife,likeitwasjustamatteroftimebeforeIwasatthebeachagain.
“Ugh,don’tremindme,”Taylorsaid.Shedangledthebikinifromsidetoside.“Thiswouldbesocuteonyou,withyourbrownhairandyournewboobs.”
Imadeafaceandpushedthebikiniaway.
PartofmedidwanttoshowoffandwowthemwithhowmuchIhadgrown,howIwasarealgirlnow,buttheothermoresanepartknewitwouldbeadeathwish.Stevenwouldthrowatowelovermyhead,andIwouldfeeltenyearsoldagaininsteadofthirteen.
“Butwhy?”
“Iliketodolapsinthepool,”Isaid.Whichwastrue.Idid.
Sheshrugged.“Okay,butdon’tblamemewhentheguysdon’ttalktoyou.”
Ishruggedrightbackather.“Idon’tcareiftheytalktomeornot,Idon’tthinkofthemthatway.”
“Yeah,right!You’vebeen,like,obsessedwithConradforaslongasI’veknownyou!Youwouldn’teventalktoanyoftheguysatschoollastyear.”
“Taylor,thatwasareallylongtimeago.They’relikebrotherstome,justlikeSteven,”Isaid,pullingonapairofgymshorts.“Talktothemallyouwant.”
Thetruthwas,IlikedbothofthemindifferentwaysandIdidn’twanthertoknow,becausewhicheverguyshepickedwouldfeellikealeftover.Anditwasn’tlikeitwouldswayTaylor.ShewasgoingforConradeitherway.Iwantedtotellher,AnyonebutConrad,butitwouldn’tbetrue,notcompletely.IwouldbejealousifshepickedJeremiah,too,becausehewasmyfriend,nothers.
IttookTaylorforevertopickoutapairofsunglassesthatmatchedherbikini(she’dbroughtfourpairs),plustwomagazinesandhersuntanoil.Bythetimewegotoutside,theboyswerealreadyinthepool.
Ithrewmyclothesoffrightaway,readytojumpin,butTaylorhesitated,herPolotoweltightaroundhershoulders.Icouldtellshewassuddenlynervousaboutheritsy-bitsybikini,andIwasglad.Iwasgettingalittlebitsickofhershowingoff.
Theboysdidn’tevenlookover.IhadbeenworriedthatwithTaylortheretheymightnotwanttodoalltheusualstuff,thattheymightactdifferently.Buttheretheywere,dunkingoneanotherforallitwasworth.
Kickingoffmyflip-flops,Isaid,“Let’sgetinthepool.”
“Imightlayoutforalittlebitfirst,”Taylorsaid.Shefinallydroppedhertowelandspreaditoutonaloungechair.“Don’tyouwanttolayouttoo?”
“No.It’shotandIwanttoswim.Besides,I’malreadytan.”AndIwas.Iwasturningthecolorofdarktoffee.Ilookedlikeawholedifferentpersoninthesummer,whichmighthavebeenthebestpartofit.
Taylorontheotherhandwaspastyandbrightlikebiscuitdough.Ihadafeelingshe’dcatchupwithmefast,though.Shewasgoodatthat.
Itookoffmyglassesandsetthemontopofmyclothes.ThenIwalkedovertothedeependandjumpedrightin.Thewaterfeltlikeashocktothesystem,inthebestwaypossible.WhenIcameupforair,Itreadedwaterovertotheboys.“Let’splayMarcoPolo,”Isaid.
Steven,whowasbusytryingtodunkConrad,stoppedandsaid,“MarcoPolo’sboring.”
“Let’splaychicken,”Jeremiahsuggested.
“What’sthat?”Isaid.
“It’swhentwoteamsofpeopleclimbuponeachother’sshouldersandyoutrytopushtheotherpersondown,”mybrotherexplained.
“It’sfun,Iswear,”Jeremiahassuredme.ThenhecalledovertoTaylor,“Tyler,youwannaplaychickenwithus?Orareyoutoochicken?”
Taylorlookedupfromhermagazine.Icouldn’tseehereyesbecauseofhersunglasses,butIknewshewasannoyed.“It’sTay-lor,notTyler,Jeremy.Andno,Idon’twanttoplay.”
StevenandConradexchangedalook.Iknewwhattheywerethinking.“Comeon,Taylor,it’llbefun,”Isaid,rollingmyeyes.“Don’tbeachicken.”
Shemadeabigshowofsighing,andthensheputhermagazinedownandstoodup,smoothingdownherbikiniintheback.“DoIhavetotakemysunglassesoff?”
Jeremiahgrinnedather.“Notifyou’reonmyteam.Youwon’tbefallingoff.”
Taylortookthemoffanyway,andIrealizedthenthattheteamswereuneven,andsomeonewouldhavetositout.“I’llwatch,”Ioffered,eventhoughIwantedtoplay.
“That’sokay.Iwon’tplay,”Conradsaid.
“We’llplaytworounds,”saidSteven.
Conradshrugged.“That’sallright.”Heswamovertothesideofthepool.
“IcallTay-lor,”Jeremiahannounced.
“Nofair;she’slighter,”Stevenargued.Thenhelookedoverandsawtheexpressiononmyface.“It’sjustthatyou’retallerthanherisall.”
Ididn’twanttoplayanymore.“Whydon’tIjustsitout,then?I’dhatetobreakyourback,Steven.”
Jeremiahsaid,“Aw,I’lltakeyou,Belly.We’lltakethoseguysdown.Ithinkyou’reprobablyalottougherthanlittleTay-lor.”
Taylorwalkeddownthestepsandintothepoolslowly,cringingatthetemperature.“I’mverytough,Jeremy,”shesaid.
ThenJeremiahcroucheddowninthewater,andIscrambledtogetontohisshoulders.Hewasslippery,soitwashardtostayonatfirst.Thenhestoodupandrightedhimself.
Ishiftedandbalancedmyhandsonhishead.“AmItooheavy?”Iaskedhimquietly.Hewassowiryandthin,IwasafraidI’dbreakhim.
“Youweigh,like,nothing,”helied,breathinghardandgrippingontomylegs.
Iwantedtokissthetopofhisheadrightthen.
AcrossfromusTaylorwasperchedontopofSteven’sshouldersgigglingandpullinghishairtoholdherselfsteady.Stevenlookedlikehewasreadytopitchheroffofhimandacrossthepool.
“Ready?”Jeremiahasked.Inalowvoicehesaidtome,“Thetrickistojustkeepsteady.”
Stevennodded,andwewaddledovertothemiddleofthepool.
Conrad,whowastreadingoverbytheside,said,“Ready,set,go.”
TaylorandIstretchedourarmsouttoeachother,pushingandshoving.Shecouldn’tstopgiggling,andwhenIgaveheronestrongpush,shesaid,“Oh,shit!”andtheybothfellbackward.
JeremiahandIburstoutlaughingandhigh-fivedeachother.Whentheyresurfaced,StevenglaredatTaylorandsaid,“Itoldyoutoholdontight.”
Shesplashedhimrightinthefaceandsaid,“Iwas!”Hereyelinerwassmudgedandhermascarawasstartingtorun.Shestilllookedpretty,though.
Jeremiahsaid,“Belly?”
Isaid,“Hmm?”Iwasstartingtogetprettycomfortableupthere,sohigh.
“Watchout.”Thenhelurchedforward,andIwasflyingintothewater,andsowashe.Icouldn’tstoplaughing,andIswallowedaboutajugfulofwater,butIdidn’tcare.
Whenbothofourheadspoppedup,Iwentstraightforhisandtookhimbysurprisewithagooddunk.
ThenTaylorsaid,“Let’splayagain.I’llbewithJeremythistime.Steven,youcanbeBelly’spartner.”
Stevenstilllookedgrumpy,andhesaid,“Con,takemyspot.”
“Allright,”Conradsaid,buthisvoicesaidhedidn’twanttoatall.
Whenheswamovertome,Isaiddefensively,“I’mnotthatheavy.”
“Ineversaidyouwere.”Thenhestoopedinfrontofme,andIclimbedontop.HisshouldersweremoremuscularthanJeremiah’s,moreweighty.“Youokayupthere?”
“Yeah.”
AcrossfromusTaylorwashavingtroublegettingontoJeremiah’sshoulders.Shekeptslippingrightoffandlaughing.Theywerehavingalotoffun.Toomuchfun.Iwatchedthemjealously,andIalmostforgottobeawareofthefactthatConradwasholdingontomylegs,andasfarasIcouldremember,hehadneversomuchasaccidentallygrazedmykneebefore.
“Let’shurryupandplay,”Isaid.Myvoicesoundedjealouseventomyownears.Ihatedthat.
Conradhadlesstroublemovingintothecenterofthepool.Iwaskindofsurprisedbyhoweasilyhemovedaroundwithmyextraweightaroundhisshoulders.
“Ready?”ConradsaidtoJeremiahandTaylor,whohadfinallymanagedtostayput.
“Yes!”Taylorshouted.
InmyheadIsaid,You’regoingdown,Jewel.“Yes,”Isaidoutloud.
Ileanedforwardandusedbothofmyhandstogiveherahardpush.Sheswayedtothesidebutstayedon,andsaid,“Hey!”
Ismiled.“Hey,”Isaid,andpushedheragain.
Taylornarrowedhereyesandpushedmeback,hardbutnothardenough.
Thenwewerebothpushingateachother,onlythistimeitwassomucheasierbecauseIfeltsteady.Ipushedheronce,firmly,andshetippedforward,butJeremiahwasstillstanding.Iclappedloudly.Thiswasprettyfun.
IwassurprisedwhenConradheldouthishandforahighfive.Hewasn’tahighfivekindofperson.
WhenTaylorresurfacedthistime,shewasn’tlaughing.Herblondhairwasmattedtoherhead,andshesaid,“Thisgamesucks.Idon’twanttoplayanymore.”
“Soreloser,”Isaid,andConradloweredmeintothewater.
“Nicejob,”hesaid,givingmeoneofhisraresmiles.IfeltlikeIhadwonthelotteryfromthatonesmile.
“Iplaytowin,”Itoldhim.Iknewhedidtoo.
chapterseventeen
AfewdaysafterwesharedTwizzlersatthemovies,Jeremiahannounced,“I’mgonnateachBellyhowtodrivestickshifttoday.”
“Doyoumeanit?”Isaideagerly.Itwasaclearday;thefirstallweek.Aperfectdayfordriving.ItwasJeremiah’sdayoff,andIcouldn’tbelievehewaswillingtospenditteachingmehowtodrivestick.I’dbeenbegginghimsincelastyeartoteachme—Stevenhadtriedandhadgivenupafterourthirdlesson.
Stevenshookhisheadandtookaswigoforangejuicefromthecartononthetable.“Doyouwanttodie,man?BecauseBellywillkillyouboth,nottomentionyourclutch.Don’tdoit.I’mtellingyouthisasyourfriend.”
“Shutup,Steven!”Iyelled,kickinghimunderthetable.“Just’causeyou’reaterribleteacher…”StevenhadrefusedtogetintoacarwithmeagainafterI’daccidentallygottenateeny-tinydentinhisfenderwhenhewasteachingmehowtoparallelpark.
“I’mconfidentinmyteachingskills,”Jeremiahsaid.“BythetimeI’mfinishedwithher,she’llbebetterthanyou.”
Stevensnorted.“Goodluck.”Thenhefrowned.“Howlongareyougonnabegone?Ithoughtweweregoingtothedrivingrange.”
“Youcouldcomewithus,”Ioffered.
StevenignoredmeandsaidtoJeremiah,“Youneedtopracticeyourswing,dude.”
IglancedatJeremiah,wholookedatmeandhesitated.“I’llbebackbylunch.Wecangoafter,”hesaid.
Stevenrolledhiseyes.“Fine.”Icouldtellhewasannoyedandalittlehurt,whichmademefeelbothsmugandsorryforhim.Hewasn’tusedtobeingleftoutofthingsthewayIwas.
Wewentouttopracticeontheroadthatleddowntotheothersideofthebeach.Itwasquiet.Therewasnooneelseoutontheroad,justus.WelistenedtoJeremiah’soldNevermindCDfromamillionyearsago.
“It’shotwhenagirlcandrivestick,”JeremiahexplainedaboveKurtCobain.“Itshowsshe’sconfident,sheknowswhatshe’sdoing.”
Iputthecarintofirstgearandeasedmyfootofftheclutch.“Ithoughtboyslikeditwhengirlswerehelpless.”
“Theylikethattoo.ButIjusthappentoprefersmart,confidentgirls.”
“Bull.YoulikedTaylor,andshe’snotlikethat.”
Hegroanedandstuckhisarmoutthewindow.“Doyouhavetobringthatupagain?”
“I’mjustsaying.Shewasn’tthatsmartandconfident.”
“Maybenot,butshedefinitelyknewwhatshewasdoing,”hesaid,beforeexplodingintolaughter.
Ihithimonthearm,hard.“You’resogross,”Isaid.“Andyou’realsoaliar.Iknowforafactthatyouguysdidn’tevengettosecond.”
Hestoppedlaughing.“Okay,fine.Wedidn’t.Butshewasagoodkisser.ShetastedlikeSkittles.”
TaylorlovedSkittles.Shewasalwayspoppingthemintohermouth,likevitamins,liketheyweregoodforher.IwonderedhowI’dstackedupagainstTaylor,ifhethoughtI’dbeenagoodkissertoo.
Isneakedapeekathim,andhemusthaveseenitonmyface,becausehelaughedandsaid,“Butyou,youwerethebest,Bells.”
Ipunchedhimonthearm,andeventhenhedidn’tstoplaughing.Hejustlaughedharder.“Don’ttakeyourfootofftheclutch,”hesaid,gaspingwithlaughter.
Iwaskindofsurprisedheevenremembered.Imean,ithadbeenmemorableforme,butithadbeenmyfirstkissandithadbeenJeremiah.Butthefactthatheremembered,thatsortofmadehislaughingokay.
“Youweremyfirstkiss,”Isaid.IfeltlikeIcouldsayanythingtohimatthatmoment.Itfeltlikehowitusedtobewithusbeforewegrewupandthingsgotcomplicated.Itfelteasyandfriendlyandnormal.
Helookedaway,embarrassed.“Yeah,Iknow.”
“Howdidyouknow?”Idemanded.HadIbeenthatawfulatkissingthathe’dsuspected?Howhumiliating.
“Um,Taylortoldme.Afterward.”
“What!Ican’tbelieveshedidthat.ThatJudas!”Ialmoststoppedthecar.Actually,Icouldbelieveit.Butitstillfeltlikeabetrayal.
“It’snobigdeal.”Buthischeekswerepatchyandpink.“Imean,thefirsttimeIkissedagirlwasajoke.ShekepttellingmeIwasdoingitwrong.”
“Who?Whowasyourfirstkiss?”
“Youdon’tknowher.Itdoesn’tmatter.”
“Comeon,”Iwheedled.“Tellme.”
Westalledoutthen,andJeremiahsaid,“Justputyourfootontheclutchandputitinneutral.”
“Notuntilyoutellme.”
“Fine.ItwasChristiTurnduck,”hesaid,duckinghishead.
“YoukissedTurducken?”NowIwaslaughing.IdidsoknowChristiTurnduck.SheusedtobeaCousinsBeachregularjustlikeus,onlyshelivedthereyearround.
“Shehadabigcrushonme,”Jeremiahsaid,shrugginghisshoulders.
“DidyoutellConandSteven?”
“Hell,no,Ididn’ttellthemIkissedTurducken!”hesaid.“Andyoubetternoteither!Pinkypromise.”
Iofferedhimmypinky,andweshookonit.
“ChristiTurnduck.Shedidkissnice.ShetaughtmeeverythingIknow.Iwonderwhateverhappenedtoher.”
IwonderedifTurduckenhadbeenabetterkisserthanmetoo.Shemusthavebeen,ifshehadtaughtJeremiah.
Westalledoutagain.“Thissucks.Iquit.”
“There’snoquittingindriving,”Jeremiahordered.“Comeon.”
Isighedandstartedthecarupagain.Twohourslater,Ihadit.Sortof.Istillstalledout,butIwasgettingsomewhere.Iwasdriving.JeremiahsaidIwasanatural.
Bythetimewegotbacktothehouse,itwasafterfourandStevenhadleft.Iguessedhe’dgottentiredofwaitingandhadgonetothedrivingrangebyhimself.MymotherandSusannahwerewatchingoldmoviesinSusannah’sroom.Itwasdark,andtheyhadthecurtainsdrawn.
Istoodoutsidetheirdooraminute,listeningtothemlaugh.Ifeltleftout.Ienviedtheirrelationship.Theywereexactlylikecopilots,inperfectbalance.Ididn’thavethatkindoffriendship,theforeverkindoffriendshipthatwilllastyourwholelifethrough,nomatterwhat.
Iwalkedintotheroom,andSusannahsaid,“Belly!Comewatchmovieswithus.”
Icrawledintobedinbetweenthetwoofthem.Lyingonthebedinthesemi-dark,itfeltcozy,likewewereinacave.“Jeremiah’sbeenteachingmehowtodrive,”Itoldthem.
“Darlingboy,”Susannahsaid,smilingfaintly.
“Brave,too,”mymothersaid.Shetweakedmynose.
Isnuggledunderthecomforter.Hewasprettygreat.Ithadbeenniceofhimtotakemeoutdrivingwhennooneelsewould.JustbecauseI’dbangedupthecarafewtimes,itdidn’tmeanthatIwasn’tgoingtoendupbeinganexcellentdriverlikeeveryoneelse.Thankstohim,Icoulddrivesticknow.Iwasgoingtobeoneofthoseconfidentgirls,thekindwhoknowswhatshe’sdoing.WhenIgotmylicense,IwoulddriveuptoSusannah’shouseandtakeJeremiahforadrive,tothankhim.
chaptereighteen
AGE14
AfterTaylorgotoutoftheshower,shestartedrummagingthroughherduffelbagandIlayonmybedandwatchedher.Shepulledoutthreedifferentsundresses—onewhiteeyelet,oneHawaiianprint,andoneblacklinen.“WhichoneshouldIweartonight?”sheaskedme.Sheaskedthequestionlikeitwasatest.
Iwastiredofhertestsandhavingtoprovemyselfallthetime.Isaid,“We’rejusteatingdinner,Taylor.We’renotgoinganywherespecial.”
Sheshookherheadatme,andthetowelonherheadbouncedbackandforth.“We’regoingtotheboardwalktonight,though,remember?Wehavetolookcuteforthat.There’llbeboysthere.Letmepickoutyouroutfit,okay?”
ItusedtobethatwhenTaylorpickedoutmyclothes,Ifeltlikethenerdygirltransformedattheprom,inagoodway.NowitfeltlikeIwashercluelessmomwhodidn’tknowhowtodressright.
Ihadn’tbroughtanydresseswithme.Infact,Ineverhad.Inevereventhoughtto.Ionlyhadtwodressesathome—onemygrandmotherboughtmeforEasterandoneIhadtobuyforeighth-gradegraduation.Nothingseemedtofitmerightlately.Thingswereeithertoolonginthecrotchortootightinthewaist.Ihadneverthoughtmuchaboutdresses,butlookingathersalllaidoutonthebedlikethat,Iwasjealous.
“I’mnotgettingdressedupfortheboardwalk,”Itoldher.
“Letmejustseewhatyouhave,”shesaid,walkingovertomycloset.
“Taylor,Isaidno!ThisiswhatI’mwearing.”IgesturedatmycutoffshortsandCousinsBeachT-shirt.
Taylormadeaface,butshebackedawayfrommyclosetandwentbacktoherthreesundresses.“Fine.Haveityourway,grumpy.Now,whichoneshouldIwear?”
Isighed.“Theblackone,”Isaid,closingmyeyes.“Nowhurryupandputsomeclotheson.”
Dinnerthatnightwasscallopsandasparagus.Whenmymothercooked,itwasalwayssomesortofseafoodwithlemonandoliveoilandavegetable.Everytime.Susannahonlycookedeveryonceinawhile,sobesidesthefirstnight,whichwasalwaysbouillabaisse,youneverknewwhatyouweregoingtoget.Shemightspendthewholeafternoonputteringaroundthekitchen,makingsomethingI’dneverhadbefore,likeMoroccanchickenwithfigs.She’dpulloutherspiralboundJuniorLeaguecookbookthathadbutterypagesandnotesinthemargins,theonemymothermadefunof.OrshemightmakeAmericancheeseomeletswithketchupandtoast.Uskidsweresupposedlyinchargeofonenightaweektoo,andthatusuallymeanthamburgersorfrozenpizza.Butmostnights,weatewhateverwewanted,wheneverwefeltlikeeating.Ilovedthataboutthesummerhouse.Athome,wehaddinnereverynightatsixthirty,likeclockwork.Here,itwaslikeeverythingjustkindofrelaxed,evenmymother.
Taylorleanedforwardandsaid,“Laurel,what’sthecraziestthingyouandSusannahdidwhenyouwereourage?”Taylortalkedtopeoplelikeshewasataslumberparty,always.Adults,boys,thecafeterialady,everyone.
MymotherandSusannahlookedateachotherandsmiled.Theyknew,buttheyweren’ttelling.Mymotherwipedhermouthwithhernapkinandsaid,“Wesnuckontothegolfcourseonenightandplanteddaisies.”
Iknewthatwasn’tthetruth,butStevenandJeremiahlaughed.Stevensaidinhisannoyingknow-it-allkindofway,“Youguyswereboringevenwhenyouwereteenagers.”
“Ithinkit’sreallysweet,”Taylorsaid,squirtingaglobofketchupontoherplate.Taylorateeverythingwithketchup—eggs,pizza,pasta,everything.
Conrad,whoIthoughthadn’tevenbeenlistening,said,“Youguysarelying.Thatwasn’tthecraziestthingyoueverdid.”
Susannahputherhandsup,like,Isurrender.“Mothersgettohavesecretstoo,”shesaid.“Idon’taskyouboysaboutyoursecrets,now,doI?”
“Yes,youdo,”saidJeremiah.Hepointedhisforkather.“Youaskallthetime.IfIhadajournal,youwouldreadit.”
“No,Iwouldn’t,”sheprotested.
Mymothersaid,“Yes,youwould.”
Susannahglaredatmymother.“Iwouldnever.”ThenshelookedatConradandJeremiahsittingnexttoeachother.“Fine,Imight,butonlyConrad’s.He’ssogoodatkeepingeverythinglockedinside,Ineverknowwhathe’sthinking.Butnotyou,Jeremiah.You,mybabyboy,wearyourheartrighthere.”Shereachedoverandtouchedhissweatshirtsleeve.
“No,Idon’t,”heprotested,stabbingascalloponhisplate.“Ihavesecrets.”
That’swhenTaylorsaid,“Sureyoudo,Jeremy,”inthisreallysickeninglyflirtatiousway.
Hegrinnedather,whichmademewanttochokeonmyasparagus.
That’swhenIsaid,“TaylorandIaregoingtogototheboardwalktonight.Willoneofyouguysdropusoff?”
BeforemymotherorSusannahcouldanswer,Jeremiahsaid,“Ooh,theboardwalk.Ithinkweshouldgototheboardwalktoo.”TurningtoConradandSteven,headded,“Right,guys?”NormallyIwouldhavebeenthrilledthatanyofthemwantedtogosomewhereIwasgoing,butnotthistime.Iknewitwasn’tforme.
IlookedatTaylor,whowassuddenlybusycuttingupherscallopsintotinybite-sizepieces.Sheknewitwasforhertoo.
“Theboardwalksucks,”saidSteven.
Conradsaid,“Notinterested.”
“Whoinvitedyouguysanyway?”Isaid.
Stevenrolledhiseyes.“Nooneinvitesanyonetotheboardwalk.Youjustgo.It’safreecountry.”
“Isitafreecountry?”mymothermused.“Iwantyoutoreallythinkaboutthatstatement,Steven.Whataboutourcivilliberties?Arewereallyfreeif—”
“Laurel,please,”Susannahsaid,shakingherhead.“Let’snottalkpoliticsatthedinnertable.”
“Idon’tknowofabettertimeforpoliticaldiscourse,”mymothersaidcalmly.Thenshelookedatme.Imouthed,Pleasestop,andshesighed.Itwasbettertostopherrightawaybeforeshereallygotgoing.“Okay,fine.Fine.Nomorepolitics.I’mgoingtothebookstoredowntown.I’lldropyouguysoffontheway.”
“Thanks,Mom,”Isaid.“It’llbejustTaylorandme.”
JeremiahignoredmeandturnedtoStevenandConrad.“Comeon,guys,”hesaid.“It’llbeamazing.”Taylorhadbeencallingeverythingamazingallday.
“Fine,butI’mgoingtothearcade,”saidSteven.
“Con?”JeremiahlookedatConrad,whoshookhishead.
“Comeon,Con,”Taylorsaid,pokingathimwithherfork.“Comewithus.”
Heshookhishead,andTaylormadeaface.“Fine.We’llbesuretohavelotsoffunwithoutyou.”
Jeremiahsaid,“Don’tworryabouthim.He’sgonnahavelotsoffunhere,readingtheEncyclopaediaBritannica.”Conradignoredthis,butTaylorgiggledandtuckedherhairbehindherears,whichiswhenIknewthatshelikedJeremiahnow.
ThenSusannahsaid,“Don’tleavewithoutsomemoneyforicecream.”Icouldtellshewashappywewereallhangingout,exceptforConrad,whoseemedtopreferhangingoutbyhimselfthissummer.NothingmadeSusannahhappierthanthinkingupactivitiesforuskidstodo.Ithinkthatshewouldhavemadeareallygoodcampdirector.
Inthecarwewaitedformymotherandtheboystocomeout,andIwhispered,“IthoughtyoulikedConrad.”
Taylorrolledhereyes.“Blah.He’sboring.IthinkI’lllikeJeremyinstead.”
“HisnameisJeremiah,”Isaidsourly.
“Iknowthat.”Thenshelookedatme,andhereyeswidened.“Why,doyoulikehimnow?”
“No!”
Sheletoutanimpatientbreathofair.“Belly,you’vegottopickone.Youcan’thavethemboth.”
“Iknowthat,”Isnapped.“Andforyourinformation,Idon’twanteitherofthem.It’snotliketheylookatmelikethatanyway.TheylookatmelikeStevendoes.Likealittlesister.”
TaylortuggedatmyT-shirtcollar.“Well,maybeifyoushowedalittlecleave…”
Ishruggedherhandaway.“I’mnotshowingany‘cleave.’AndItoldyouIdon’tlikeeitherofthem.Notanymore.”
“Soyoudon’tcarethatI’mgoingafterJeremy?”sheasked.Icouldtelltheonlyreasonshewasaskingwassoshecouldabsolveherselfofanyfutureguilt.Notthatshewouldevenfeelguilty.
SoIsaid,“IfItoldyouIcared,wouldyoustop?”
Shethoughtfor,like,asecond.“Probably.Ifyoureally,reallycared.ButthenIwouldjustgoafterConrad.I’mheretohavefun,Belly.”
Isighed.Atleastshewashonest.Iwantedtosay,Ithoughtyouwereheretohavefunwithme.ButIdidn’t.
“Goafterhim,”Itoldher.“Idon’tcare.”
Taylorwiggledhereyebrowsatme,heroldtrademarkmove.“Yay!Itissoon.”
“Wait.”Igrabbedherwrist.“Promisemeyou’llbenicetohim.”
“OfcourseI’llbenice.I’malwaysnice.”Shepattedmeontheshoulder.“You’resuchaworrier,Belly.Itoldyou,Ijustwanttohavefun.”
That’swhenmymotherandtheboyscameout,andforthefirsttimetherewasnofightovershotgun.JeremiahgaveitovertoSteveneasily.
Whenwegottotheboardwalk,Stevenheadedstraightforthearcadeandspentthewholenightthere.Jeremiahwalkedaroundwithus,andheevenrodethecarousel,eventhoughIknewhethoughtitwaslame.HegotallstretchedoutonthesleighandpretendedtotakeanapwhileTaylorandIbouncedupanddownonhorses,mineablondpalominoandhersablackstallion.(BlackBeautywasstillherfavoritebook,althoughshe’dneveradmitit.)ThenTaylormadehimwinherastuffedTweetyBirdwiththequartertoss.Jeremiahwasaproatthequartertoss.TheTweetyBirdwashuge,almostastallasshewas.Hecarrieditforher.
Ishouldneverhavegonealong.Icouldhavepredictedthewholenight,rightdowntohowinvisibleI’dfeel.AllthetimeIwishedIwasathome,listeningtoConradplaytheguitarthroughmybedroomwall,orwatchingWoodyAllenmovieswithSusannahandmymother.AndIdidn’tevenlikeWoodyAllen.Iwonderedifthiswashowtherestoftheweekwasgoingtobe.I’dforgottenthataboutTaylor,thewayshegotwhenshewantedsomething—driven,single-minded,anddeterminedasallget-out.She’djustarrived,andalreadyshe’dforgottenaboutme.
chapternineteen
We’donlyjustgottenthere,anditwasalreadytimeforSteventogo.Heandourdadweregoingontheircollegeroadtrip,andinsteadofcomingbacktoCousinsafter,hewasgoinghome.SupposedlytostartstudyingfortheSATs,butmorelikely,tohangoutwithhisnewgirlfriend.
Iwenttohisroomtowatchhimpackup.Hehadn’tbroughtmuch,justaduffelbag.Iwassuddenlysadtoseehimleave.WithoutSteveneverythingwouldbeoffbalance—hewasthebuffer,thereallifereminderthatnothingreallychanges,thateverythingcanstaythesame.Because,Stevenneverchanged.Hewasjustobnoxious,insufferableSteven,mybigbrother,thebaneofmyexistence.Hewaslikeouroldflannelblanketthatsmelledlikewetdog—smelly,comforting,apartoftheinfrastructurethatmadeupmyworld.Andwithhimthere,everythingwouldstillbethesame,threeagainstone,boysagainstgirls.
“Iwishyouweren’tleaving,”Isaid,tuckingmykneesintomychest.
“I’llseeyouinamonth,”heremindedme.
“Amonthandahalf,”Icorrectedhimsullenly.“You’remissingmybirthday,youknow.”
“I’llgiveyouyourpresentwhenIseeyouathome.”
“Notthesame.”IknewIwasbeingababy,butIcouldn’thelpit.“Willyouatleastsendmeapostcard?”
Stevenzippeduphisduffelbag.“IdoubtI’llhavetime.I’llsendyouatext,though.”
“WillyoubringmebackaPrincetonsweatshirt?”Icouldn’twaittowearacollegesweatshirt.Theywerelikeabadgethatsaidyouweremature,practicallycollegeageifnotalready.IwishedIhadawholedrawerfullofthem.
“IfIremember,”hesaid.
“I’llremindyou,”Isaid.“I’lltextyou.”
“Okay.It’llbeyourbirthdaypresent.”
“Deal.”Ifellbackontohisbedandpushedmyfeetupagainsthiswall.HehateditwhenIdidthat.“I’llprobablymissyou,alittlebit.”
“You’llbetoobusydroolingoverConradtonoticeI’mgone,”Stevensaid.
Istuckmytongueoutathim.
Stevenleftreallyearlythenextmorning.ConradandJeremiahweregoingtodrivehimtotheairport.Iwentdowntosaygood-bye,butIdidn’ttrytogoalongbecauseIknewhewouldn’twantmeto.Hewantedsometime,justthem,andforonceIwasgoingtolethimhaveitwithoutafight.
Whenhehuggedmegood-bye,hegavemehistrademarkcondescendinglook—sadeyesandahalfgrimace—andsaid,“Don’tdoanythingstupid,allright?”Hesaiditinthisreallymeaningfulway,likehewastryingtotellmesomethingimportant,likeIwassupposedtounderstand.
ButIdidn’t.Isaid,“Don’tyoudoanythingstupideither,butthead.”
HesighedandshookhisheadatmelikeIwasachild.
Itriednottoletitbotherme.Afterall,hewasleaving,andthingswouldn’tbethesamewithouthim.AttheveryleastIcouldsendhimoffwithoutgettingintoapettyargument.“TellDadIsaidhi,”Isaid.
Ididn’tgobacktobedrightaway.Istayedonthefrontporchawhile,feelingblueandalittleteary—notthatIwouldeveradmitittoSteven.
Inalotofwaysitwaslikethelastsummer.Thatfall,Conradwouldstartcollege.HewasgoingtoBrown.Hemightnotcomebacknextsummer.Hemighthaveaninternship,orsummerschool,orhemightbackpackacrossEuropewithallhisnewdormbuddies.AndJeremiah,hemightgotothefootballcamphewasalwaystalkingabout.Therewerealotofthingsthatcouldhappenbetweennowandthen.ItoccurredtomethatIwasgoingtohavetomakethemostofthissummer,reallymakeitcount,incasetherewasn’tanotheronequitelikeit.Afterall,Iwouldbesixteensoon.Iwasgettingoldertoo.Thingscouldn’tstaythesameforever.
chaptertwenty
AGE11
Thefourofuswerelyingonabigblanketinthesand.Conrad,Steven,Jeremiah,andthenmeontheedge.Thatwasmyspot.Whentheyletmecomealong.Thiswasoneofthoseraredays.
Itwasalreadymidafternoon,sohotmyhairfeltlikeitwasonfire,andtheywereplayingcardswhileIlistenedin.
Jeremiahsaid,“Wouldyouratherbeboiledinoliveoilorskinnedalivewithaburninghotbutterknife?”
“Oliveoil,”saidConradconfidently.“It’soverquicker.”
“Oliveoil,”Iechoed.
“Butterknife,”saidSteven.“There’smoreofachanceIcanturnthetablesontheguyandskinhim.”
“Thatwasn’tanoption,”Conradtoldhim.“It’saquestionaboutdeath,notturningthetablesonsomebody.”
“Fine.Oliveoil,”Stevensaidgrumpily.“Whataboutyou,Jeremiah?”
“Oliveoil,”Jeremiahsaid.“Nowyougo,Con.”
Conradsquintedhiseyesupatthesunandsaid,“Wouldyouratherliveoneperfectdayoverandoverorliveyourlifewithnoperfectdaysbutjustdecentones?”
Jeremiahdidn’tsayanythingforaminute.Helovedthisgame.Helovedtomulloverthedifferentpossibilities.“Withthatoneperfectday,wouldIknowIwasrelivingit,likeGroundhogDay?”
“No.”
“ThenI’lltaketheperfectday,”hedecided.
“Well,iftheperfectdayinvolves—,”Stevenbegan,butthenhelookedoveratmeandstoppedspeaking,whichIhated.“I’lltaketheperfectdaytoo.”
“Belly?”Conradlookedatme.“Whatwouldyoupick?”
MymindracedaroundincirclesasItriedtofindtherightanswer.“Um.I’dtakelivingmylifewithdecentdays.ThatwayIcouldstillhopeforthatoneperfectday,”Isaid.“Iwouldn’twanttohavealifethat’sjustonedayoverandover.”
“Yeah,butyouwouldn’tknowit,”Jeremiahargued.
Ishrugged.“Butyoumight,deepdown.”
“That’sstupid,”Stevensaid.
“Idon’tthinkit’sstupid.IthinkIagreewithher.”Conradgavemethislook,thekindoflookIbetsoldiersgiveeachotherwhenthey’reteamingupagainstsomebodyelse.Itwaslikewewereinittogether.
IgaveStevenalittleshimmy.Icouldn’thelpmyself.“See?”Isaid.“Conradagreeswithme.”
Stevenmimicked,“Conradagreeswithme.Conradlovesme.Conrad’sawesome—”
“Shutup,Steven!”Iyelled.
Hegrinnedandsaid,“Myturntoaskaquestion.Belly,wouldyourathereatmayonnaiseeveryday,orbeflat-chestedfortherestofyourlife?”
Iturnedonmyside,grabbedahandfulofsand,andthrewitatSteven.Hewasinthemiddleoflaughing,andabunchgotinhismouthandstucktohiswetcheeks.Hescreamed,“You’redead,Belly!”
Thenhelungedatme,andIrolledawayfromhim.“Leavemealone,”Isaiddefiantly.“Youcan’thurtmeorI’lltellMom.”
“You’resuchapainintheass,”hespatout,grabbingmylegroughly.“I’mthrowingyouinthewater.”
Itriedtoshakehimoff,butIonlysucceededinkickingmoresandintohisface.Whichofcourseonlymadehimmadder.
Conradsaid,“Leaveheralone,Steven.Let’sgoswim.”
“Yeah,comeon,”saidJeremiah.
Stevenhesitated.“Fine,”hesaid,spittingoutsand.“Butyou’restilldead,Belly.”Hepointedatme,andthenmadeacuttingmotionwithhisfinger.
Igavehimthefingerandflippedover,butinsideIwasshaking.Conradhaddefendedme.ConradcaredwhetherornotIwasdead.
Stevenwasmadatmethewholerestoftheday,butitwasworthit.Itwasalsoironic,Steventeasingmeaboutbeingflat-chested,becausetwosummerslaterIhadtowearabra,but,like,forreal.
chaptertwenty-one
ThenightStevenleft,Iheadeddowntothepoolforoneofmymidnightswims,andConradandJeremiahandthisneighborguyClayBertoletweresittingontheloungechairsdrinkingbeer.Claylivedwaydownthestreet,andhe’dbeencomingtoCousinsBeachforalmostaslongaswehad.HewasayearolderthanConrad.Noonehadevenlikedhimmuch.Hewasjustapersontohangoutwith,Iguess
RightawayIstiffenedandheldmybeachtowelclosertomychest.IwonderedifIshouldturnback.Clayhadalwaysmademenervous.Ididn’thavetoswimthatnight.Icoulddoitthenextnight.Butno,Ihadasmuchrighttobeoutthereastheydid.More,even.
Iwalkedovertothem,pretend-confident.“Hey,guys,”Isaid.Ididn’tletgoofmytowel.Itfeltfunnytobestandingthereinatowelandabikiniwhentheywereallwearingclothes.
Claylookedupatme,hiseyesnarrow.“Hey,Belly.Longtimenosee.”Hepattedtheloungechair.“Sitdown.”
Ihatedwhenpeoplesaid“longtimenosee.”Itwassuchadumbwaytosayhello.ButIsatdownanyway.
Heleanedinandgavemeahug.HesmelledlikebeerandPoloSport.“Sohow’veyoubeen?”heasked.
BeforeIcouldanswer,Conradsaid,“She’sfine,andnowit’stimeforbed.Goodnight,Belly.”
Itriednottosoundlikeafive-year-oldwhenIsaid,“I’mnotgoingtosleepyet,I’mswimming.”
“Youshouldheadbackup,”Jeremiahsaid,puttinghisbeerdown.“Yourmomwillkillyoufordrinking.”
“Hello.I’mnotdrinking,”Iremindedhim.
ClayofferedmehisCorona.“Here,”hesaid,winking.Heseemeddrunk.
Ihesitated,andConradsnappedirritably,“Don’tgiveherthat.She’sakid,forGod’ssake.”
Iglaredathim.“QuitactinglikeSteven.”ForasecondortwoIconsideredtakingClay’sbeer.Itwouldbemyfirst.ButthenI’donlybedoingittospiteConrad,andIwasn’tgoingtolethimcontrolwhatIdid.
“No,thanks,”Itoldhim.
Conradnoddedimperceptibly.“Nowgobacktobedlikeagoodgirl.”
ItfeltjustlikewhenheandStevenandJeremiahusedtoleavemeoutofthingsonpurpose.IcouldfeelmycheeksburningasIsaid,“I’monlytwoyearsyoungerthanyou.”
“Twoandaquarter,”hecorrectedautomatically.
Claylaughed,andIcouldsmellhisyeastybreath.“Shit,mygirlfriendwasfifteen.”Thenhelookedatme.“Ex-girlfriend.”
Ismiledweakly.Inside,Iwasshrinkingawayfromhimandhisbreath.ButthewayConradwaswatchingus,well,Ilikedit.Ilikedtakinghisfriendawayfromhim,evenifitwasjustforfiveminutes.“Isn’tthat,like,illegal?”IaskedClay.
Helaughedagain.“You’recute,Belly.”
Icouldfeelmyselfblush.“So,um,whydidyoubreakup?”Iasked,likeIdidn’talreadyknow.TheybrokeupbecauseClay’sajerk,thatwaswhy.Clayhadalwaysbeenajerk.HeusedtotrytofeedtheseagullsAlka-Seltzerbecausehehearditmadetheirstomachsblowup.
Clayscratchedthebackofhisneck.“Idon’tknow.Shehadtogotohorsecamporsomething.LongdistancerelationshipsareBS.”
“Butitwouldjustbeforthesummer,”Iprotested.“It’sdumbtobreakupoverasummer.”I’dnursedacrushonConradforwholeschoolyears.Icouldsurviveformonths,years,onacrush.Itwaslikefood.Itcouldsustainme.IfConradwasmine,therewasnowayI’dbreakupwithhimoverasummer—oraschoolyear,forthatmatter.
Claylookedatmewithhisheavy-lidded,sleepyeyesandsaid,“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”
“Yes,”Isaid,andIcouldn’thelpmyself—IlookedatConradwhenIsaidit.See,Iwassaying,I’mnotastupidtwelve-year-oldgirlwithacrushanymore.I’marealperson.Withanactualboyfriend.Whocaredifitwasn’ttrue?Conrad’seyesflickered,buthisfacewasthesame,expressionless.Jeremiah,though,helookedsurprised.
“Belly,youhaveaboyfriend?”Hefrowned.“Younevermentionedhim.”
“It’snotthatserious.”Ipickedatanunravelingthreadontheseatcushion.Iwasalreadyregrettingmakingitup.“Infact,we’rereally,reallycasual.”
“See?Thenwhat’sthepointofarelationshipduringsummer?Whatifyoumeetpeople?”Claywinkedatmeinajokeyway.“Likerightnow?”
“We’vealreadymet,Clay.Like,tenyearsago.”Notthathe’deveractuallypaidmeanyattention.
Henudgedmewithhisknee.“Nicetomeetyou.I’mClay.”
Ilaughed,eventhoughitwasn’tfunny.Itjustfeltliketherightthingtodo.“Hi,I’mBelly.”
“So,Belly,areyougonnacometomybonfiretomorrownight?”heaskedme.
“Um,sure,”Isaid,tryingnottosoundtooexcited.
ConradandStevenandJeremiahwenttothebigFourthofJulybonfireeveryyear.Clayhaditathishousebecausetherewereatonoffireworksonthatendofthebeach.Hismomalwaysputoutstufffors’mores.IoncemadeJeremiahbringonebackforme,andhedid.Itwasrubberyandburnt,butIstillateit,andIwasstillgratefultoJeremiahforit.Itwaslikealittlepieceoftheparty.Theyneverletmegowiththem,andInevertriedtomakethem.Iwatchedtheshowfromourbackporch,inmypajamas,withSusannahandmymother.TheydrankchampagneandIdrankMartinelli’sSparklingCider.
“Ithoughtyoucamedownheretoswim,”Conradsaidabruptly.
“Geez,giveherabreak,Con,”Jeremiahsaid.“Ifshewantstoswim,she’llswim.”
Weexchangedalook,ourlookthatmeant,WhyisConradsuchafreakingdad?Conradflickedhiscigaretteintohishalf-emptycan.“Dowhatyouwant,”hesaid.
“Iwill,”Isaid,stickingmytongueoutatConradandstandingup.Ithrewoffmytowelanddoveintothewater,aperfectswandive.Istayedunderwaterforaminute.ThenIstarteddoingthebackstrokesoIcouldeavesdropontheirconversation.
InalowvoiceIheardClaysay,“Man,Cousinsisstartingtogetold.Iwanttohurryupandgetback.”
“Yeah,metoo,”Conradsaid.
SoConradwasreadytoleave.Eventhoughalittlepartofmeknewthatalready,itstillhurt.Iwantedtosay,Thenleavealready.Ifyoudon’twanttobehere,don’tbehere.Justleave.ButIwasn’tgoingtoletConradbotherme,notwhenthingswerefinallylookingup.
AtlastIwasinvitedtoClayBertolet’sFourthofJulybonfire.Iwasoneofthebigkidsnow.Lifewasgood.Oritwasgettingthere,anyway.
IthoughtaboutwhatIwasgoingtowearallday.SinceI’dneverbeen,Ihadnoideawhattowear.Probablyitwouldgetcold,butwhowantedtobundleupatabonfire?Notformyfirstone.Ialsodidn’twantConradandJeremiahtogivemeahardtimeifIwastoodressedup.Ifiguredshorts,atanktop,andnoshoeswerethesafewaytogo.
Whenwegotthere,IsawthatIhadchosenwrong.TheothergirlswerewearingsundressesandlittleskirtsandUggs.IfI’dhadgirlfriendsatCousins,Imighthaveknownthat.“Youdidn’ttellmethatgirlsgotdressedup,”IhissedatJeremiah.
“Youlookfine.Don’tbedumb,”hesaid,walkingstraightovertothekeg.Therewasakeg.TherewerenograhamcrackersormarshmallowsanywhereIcouldsee.
I’dactuallyneverseenakegbeforeinreallife.Justinmovies.Istartedtofollowhim,butConradgrabbedmyarm.“Don’tdrinktonight,”hewarned.“MymomwillkillmeifIletyoudrink.”
Ishookhimoff.“You’renot‘letting’medoanything.”
“Comeon.Please?”
“We’llsee,”Isaid,walkingawayfromhimandtowardthefire.Iwasn’tsureifIevenwantedtodrink.EventhoughI’dseenClaydrinkingthenightbefore,I’dstillbeenexpectings’mores.
Goingtothebonfirewasniceintheory,butactuallybeingtherewassomethingelse.Jeremiahwaschattingupsomegirlinared,white,andbluebikinitopandajeanskirt,andConradwastalkingtoClayandsomeotherguysIdidn’trecognize.IthoughtafterthewayClayhadbeenflirtylastnight,hemightatleastcomeovertosayhi.Buthedidn’t.Hehadhishandonsomegirl’sback.
Istoodbythefirealoneandpretendedtowarmmyhandseventhoughtheyweren’tcold.That’swhenIsawhim.Hewasstandingalonetoo,drinkingabottleofwater.Itdidn’tseemlikeheknewanybodyeither,sincehewasstandingallbyhimself.Helookedlikehewasmyage.Buttherewassomethingabouthimthatseemedsafeandcomfortable,likehewasyoungerthanmeeventhoughhewasn’t.Ittookmeafewglancestofigureoutwhatitwas.WhenIfinallyfigureditout,itwaslike,Aha!
Itwashiseyelashes.Theyweresolongtheypracticallyhithischeekbones.Granted,hischeekboneswerehigh,butstill.Also,hehadaslightunderbite,andhisskinwasclearandsmooth,thecoloroftoastedcoconutflakes,thekindyouputonicecream.Itouchedmycheekandfeltrelievedthatthesunhaddriedoutthepimplefromtwodaysbefore.Hisskinwasperfect.Tomyeyes,everythingabouthimwasprettyperfect.
Hewastall,tallerthanStevenorJeremiah,maybeevenConrad.Helookedlikehewasmaybehalf-white,half-Japanese,orKoreanmaybe.HewassoprettyIfeltlikeIcoulddrawhisface,andIdidn’tevenknowhowtodraw.
Hecaughtmelookingathim,andIlookedaway.ThenIlookedbackoverandhecaughtmeagain.Heraisedhishandandwavedit,justslightly.
Icouldfeelmycheeksflaming.Therewasnothingformetosaybut,“Hi.”Iwalkedover,stuckoutmyhand,andimmediatelyregrettedit.Whoshookhandsanymore?
Hetookmyhandandshookit.Hedidn’tsayanythingatfirst.Hejuststaredatme,likehewastryingtofiguresomethingout.“Youlookfamiliar,”hesaidatlast.
Itriednottosmile.Wasn’tthatwhatboyssaidtogirlswhentheycameontothematbars?Iwonderedifhe’dseenmeonthebeachinmynewpolka-dotbikini.I’donlyhadthenervetowearittheonetime,butmaybethatwaswhathadgottenmenoticedbythisguy.“Maybeyou’veseenmeonthebeach?”
Heshookhishead.“No.…That’snotit.”
Soithadn’tbeenthebikini,then.Itriedagain.“MaybeoveratScoops,theicecreamplace?”
“No,that’snotiteither,”hesaid.Thenitwaslikethelittlelightwentoninhishead,becausehegrinnedsuddenly.“DidyoutakeLatin?”
Whatintheworld?“Um…yes.”
“DidyouevergotoLatinConventioninWashington,DC?”heasked.
“Yes,”Isaid.Whowasthisboyanyway?
Henodded,satisfied.“SodidI.Ineighthgrade,right?”
“Yeah…”IneighthgradeIhadaretainerandIstillworeglasses.Ihated,hatedthatheknewmefrombackthen.Whycouldn’theknowmefromnow,inmypolka-dotbikini?
“That’showIknowyou.I’vebeenstandingheretryingtofigureitout.”Hegrinned.“I’mCam,butmyLatinnamewasSextus.Salve.”
Suddenlygigglesroseupinmychestlikesodabubbles.Itwaskindoffunny.“Salve.I’mFlavia.Imean,Belly.Imean,mynameisIsabel,buteveryonecallsmeBelly.”
“Why?”Helookedatmelikehereallywonderedwhy.
“It’smydad’snicknameformefromwhenIwaslittle.HethoughtIsabelwastoolonganame,”Iexplained.“Everyonejuststillcallsmethat.It’sdumb.”
Heignoredthelastpartandsaid,“WhynotIzzy,then?OrBelle?”
“Idon’tknow.It’spartlybecauseJellyBellysaremyfavorite,andmydadandIusedtoplaythisgame.He’daskmewhatkindofmoodIwasin,butIwouldanswerhiminJellyBellyflavors.LikeplumifIwasinagoodmood…”Myvoicetrailedoff.IbabbledwhenIwasnervous,andIwasdefinitelynervous.I’dalwayshatedthenameBelly—partlybecauseitwasn’tevenarealname.Itwasachild’snickname,notarealnameatall.Isabel,ontheotherhand,wasthenameofanexotickindofgirl,thekindofgirlwhowenttoplaceslikeMoroccoandMozambique,whoworerednailpolishyearroundandhaddarkbangs.Bellywasthekindofnamethatconjuredupimagesofplumpchildrenormeninwifebeaters.“Anyway,IhatethenameIzzy,butIdowishpeoplecalledmeBelle.It’sprettier.”
Henodded.“That’swhatitmeanstoo.Beautiful.”
“Iknow,”Isaid.“I’minAPFrench.”
CamsaidsomethinginFrench,sofastIcouldn’tunderstandhim.
“What?”Isaid.Ifeltstupid.It’sembarrassingtospeakFrenchwhenit’snotinaclassroom.It’slike,conjugatingverbsisonething,butactuallyspeakingit,toanactualFrenchperson,isawholedifferentthing.
“Mygrandmother’sFrench,”hesaid.“Igrewupspeakingit.”
“Oh.”NowIfeltstupidforbraggingaboutbeinginAPFrench.
“Youknow,thevissupposedtobepronouncedw.”
“What?”
“InFlavia.It’ssupposedtobepronouncedFla-wia.”
“OfcourseIknowthat,”Isnapped.“Itooksecondprizeinoration.ButFlawiasoundsdumb.”
“Itookfirstprize,”hesaid,tryingnottosoundsmug.IhadasuddenmemoryofaboyinablackT-shirtandastripedtie,blowingeveryoneawaywithhisCatullusspeech,takingfirstplace.Itwashim.“Whydidyoupickitifyouthoughtitsoundeddumb?”
Isighed.“BecauseCorneliawastaken.EveryonewantedtobeCornelia.”
“Yeah,everyonewantedtobeSextustoo.”
“Why?”Isaid.ImmediatelyIregrettedit.“Oh.Nevermind.”
Camlaughed.“Eighth-gradeboyhumorisn’tverydeveloped.”
Ilaughedtoo.ThenIsaid,“Sodoyoustayinahousearoundhere?”
“We’rerentingthehousetwoblocksdown.Mymomsortofmademecome,”Camsaid,rubbingthetopofhisheadself-consciously.
“Oh.”IwishedIwouldstopsaying“oh,”butIcouldn’tthinkofanythingelse.
“Whataboutyou?Why’dyoucome,Isabel?”
Iwasstartledwhenheusedmyrealname.Itjustrolledrightoffhistongue.Itfeltlikethefirstdayofschool.ButIlikedit.“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“IguessbecauseClayinvitedme.”
Everythingthatcameoutofmymouthsoundedsogeneric.ForsomereasonIwantedtoimpressthisboy.Iwantedhimtolikeme.Icouldfeelhimjudgingme,judgingthedumbthingsIsaid.I’msmarttoo,Iwantedtotellhim.Itoldmyselfitwasfine,itdidn’tmatterifhethoughtIwassmartornot.Butitdid.
“IthinkI’mgoingtoleavesoon,”hesaid,finishinghiswater.Hedidn’tlookatmewhenhesaid,“Doyouneedaride?”
“No,”Isaid.Itriedtoswallowmydisappointmentthathewasleavingalready.“Icamewiththoseguysoverthere.”IpointedatConradandJeremiah.
Henodded.“Ifigured,thewayyourbrotherkeptlookingoverhere.”
Ialmostchoked.“Mybrother?Who?Him?”IpointedatConrad.Hewasn’tlookingatus.HewaslookingatablondgirlinaRedSoxcap,andshewaslookingrightback.Hewaslaughing,andheneverlaughed.
“Yeah.”
“He’snotmybrother.Hetriestoactlikeheis,buthe’snot,”Isaid.“Hethinkshe’severybody’sbigbrother.It’ssopatronizing.…Whyareyouleavingalreadyanyway?You’regonnamissthefireworks.”
Heclearedhisthroatlikehewasembarrassed.“Um,Iwasactuallygonnagohomeandstudy.”
“Latin?”Icoveredmymouthwithmyhandtokeepfromgiggling.
“No.I’mstudyingwhales.Iwanttointernonawhalewatchingboat,andIhavetotakethiswhalingexamnextmonth,”hesaid,rubbingthetopofhisheadagain.
“Oh.That’scool,”Isaid.Iwishedhewasn’tleavingalready.Ididn’twanthimtogo.Hewasnice.Standingnexttohim,IfeltlikeThumbelina,littleandprecious.Hewasthattall.Ifheleft,I’dbeallalone.“Youknowwhat,maybeIwillgetaride.Waithere.I’llberightback.”
IhurriedovertoConrad,walkingsofastIkickedupsandbehindme.“Hey,I’mgonnagetaride,”Isaidbreathlessly.
TheblondRedSoxgirllookedmeupanddown.“Hello,”shesaid.
Conradsaid,“Withwho?”
IpointedatCam.“Him.”
“You’renotridingwithsomeoneyoudon’tevenknow,”hesaidflatly.
“Idosoknowhim.He’sSextus.”
Henarrowedhiseyes.“Sexwhat?”
“Nevermind.HisnameisCam,he’sstudyingwhales,andyoudon’tgettodecidewhoIridehomewith.Iwasjustlettingyouknow,asacourtesy.Iwasn’taskingforyourpermission.”Istartedtowalkaway,buthegrabbedmyelbow.
“Idon’tcarewhathe’sstudying.It’snotgonnahappen,”hesaidcasually,buthisgripwastight.“Ifyouwanttogo,I’lltakeyou.”
Itookadeepbreath.Ihadtokeepcool.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimgoadmeintobeingababy,notinfrontofallthesepeople.“No,thanks,”Isaid,tryingtowalkawayagain.Buthedidn’tletgo.
“Ithoughtyoualreadyhadaboyfriend?”Histonewasmocking,andIknewhe’dseenthroughmyliethenightbefore.
Iwantedsobadlytothrowahandfulofsandinhisface.Itriedtotwistoutofhisgrip.“Letgoofme!Thathurts!”
Heletgoimmediately,hisfacered.Itdidn’treallyhurt,butIwantedtoembarrasshimthewayhewasembarrassingme.Isaidloudly,“I’dratherridewithastrangerthanwithsomeonewho’sbeendrinking!”
“I’vehadonebeer,”hesnapped.“Iweighahundredandseventy-fivepounds.WaithalfanhourandI’lltakeyou.Stopbeingsuchabrat.”
Icouldfeeltearsstartingtosparkmyeyelids.IlookedovermyshouldertoseeifCamwaswatching.Hewas.“You’reanasshole,”Isaid.
Helookedmedeadintheeyesandsaid,“Andyou’reafour-year-old.”
AsIwalkedaway,Iheardthegirlask,“Issheyourgirlfriend?”
Iwhirledaround,andwebothsaid“No!”atthesametime.
Confused,shesaid,“Well,issheyourlittlesister?”likeIwasn’tstandingrightthere.Herperfumewasheavy.Itfeltlikeitfilledalltheairaroundus,likewewerebreathingherin.
“No,I’mnothislittlesister.”Ihatedthisgirlforbeingawitnesstoallthis.Itwashumiliating.Andshewaspretty,inthesamekindofwayTaylorwaspretty,whichsomehowmadethingsworse.
Conradsaid,“Hermomisbestfriendswithmymom.”SothatwasallIwastohim?Hismom’sfriend’sdaughter?
Itookadeepbreath,andwithouteventhinking,Isaidtothegirl,“I’veknownConradmywholelife.Soletmebetheonetotellyouyou’rebarkingupthewrongtree.Conradwillneverloveanyoneasmuchasheloveshimself,ifyouknowwhatImean—”Iliftedupmyhandandwiggledmyfingers.
“Shutup,Belly,”Conradwarned.Thetopsofhisearswereturningbrightred.Itwasalowblow,butIdidn’tcare.Hedeservedit.
RedSoxgirlfrowned.“Whatisshetalkingabout,Conrad?”
ToherIblurtedout,“Oh,I’msorry,doyounotknowwhattheidiom‘barkingupthewrongtree’means?”
Herprettyfacetwisted.“Youlittleskank,”shehissed.
Icouldfeelmyselfshrinking.IwishedIcouldtakeitback.I’dnevergottenintoafightwithagirlbefore,orwithanyoneforthatmatter.
Thankfully,Conradbrokeinthenandpointedtothebonfire.“Belly,gobackoverthere,andwaitformetocomegetyou,”hesaidharshly.
That’swhenJeremiahambledover.“Hey,hey,what’sgoingon?”heasked,smilinginhiseasy,goofyway.
“Yourbrotherisajerk,”Isaid.“That’swhat’sgoingon.”
Jeremiahputhisarmaroundme.Hesmelledlikebeer.“Youguysplaynice,youhear?”
Ishruggedoutofhisholdandsaid,“Iamplayingnice.Tellyourbrothertoplaynice.”
“Wait,areyouguysbrotherandsistertoo?”thegirlasked.
Conradsaid,“Don’teventhinkaboutleavingwiththatguy.”
“Con,chillout,”Jeremiahsaid.“She’snotleaving.Right,Belly?”
Helookedatme,andIpursedmylipsandnodded.ThenIgaveConradthedirtiestlookIcouldmuster,andIshotoneatthegirl,too,whenIwasfarenoughawaythatshewouldn’tbeabletoreachoutandgrabmebythehair.Iwalkedbacktothebonfire,tryingtokeepmyshouldersstraightandhigh,wheninsideIfeltlikeakidwho’dgottenyelledatatherownbirthdayparty.Itwasn’tfair,tobetreatedlikeIwasakidwhenIwasn’t.Ibetmeandthatgirlwerethesameage.
Camsaid,“Whatwasthatallabout?”
IwaschokingbacktearsasIsaid,“Let’sjustgo.”
Hehesitated,glancingbackoveratConrad.“Idon’tthinkthat’ssuchagoodidea,Flavia.ButI’llstayherewithyouandhangoutforawhile.Thewhalescanwait.”
Iwantedtokisshimthen.IwantedtoforgetIeverknewConradandjustbethere,existinginthebubbleofthatmoment.Thefirstfireworkwentoff,somewherehighaboveus.Itsoundedlikeateakettlewhistlingloudandproud.Itwasgold,anditexplodedintomillionsofgoldflecks,likeconfettioverourheads
WesatbythefireandhetoldmeaboutwhalesandItoldhimaboutstupidthings,likebeingsecretaryofFrenchClub,andhowmyfavoritefoodwaspulledporksandwiches.Hesaidhewasavegetarian.Wemusthavesatthereforanhour.IcouldfeelConradwatchingusthewholetime,andIwassotemptedtogivehimthefinger—Ihateditwhenhewon.
Whenitstartedtogetcold,Irubbedmyarms,andCamtookoffhishoodieandgaveittome.Which,wassortofmydreamcometrue—gettingcoldandhavingaguyactuallygiveyouhishoodieinsteadofgloatingoverhowsmarthe’dbeentobringone.
Underneath,hisT-shirtsaidSTRAIGHTEDGE,withapictureofarazorblade,thekindaguyshaveswith.“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iasked,zippinguphishoodie.Itwaswarmanditsmelledlikeboy,butinagoodway.
“I’mstraightedge,”hesaid.“Idon’tdrinkordodrugs.Iusedtobehardcore,whereyoudon’ttakeover-the-countermedicineordrinkcaffeine,butIquitthat.”
“Why?”
“WhywasIhardcorestraightedgeorwhydidIquit?”
“Both.”
“Idon’tbelieveinpollutingyourbodywithunnaturalstuff,”hesaid.“Iquitbecauseitwasmakingmymomcrazy.AndIalsojustreallymissedDrPepper.”
IlikedDrPeppertoo.IwasgladIhadn’tbeendrinking.Ididn’twanthimtothinkbadlyofme.IwantedhimtothinkIwascool,likethekindofgirlwhodidn’tcarewhatpeoplethought,thekindofpersonheobviouslywas.Iwantedtobehisfriend.Ialsowantedtokisshim.
Camleftwhenweleft.HegotupassoonashesawJeremiahcomingovertogetme.“Solong,Flavia,”hesaid.
Istartedtounziphishoodie,andhesaid,“That’sallright.Youcangiveittomelater.”
“Here,I’llgiveyoumynumber,”Isaid,holdingmyhandoutforhisphone.I’dnevergivenaboymyphonenumberbefore.AsIpunchedinmynumber,Ifeltreallyproudofmyselfforofferingittohim.
Backingaway,heputthephoneintohispocketandsaid,“Iwouldhavefoundawaytogetitbackwithoutyournumber.I’msmart,remember?Firstprizeinoration.”
Itriednottosmileashewalkedaway.“You’renotthatsmart,”Icalledout.Itfeltlikefatethatwe’dmet.Itfeltlikethemostromanticthingthathadeverhappenedtome,anditwas.
IwatchedConradsaygood-byetoRedSoxgirl.Shegavehimahug,andhehuggedherback,butnotreally.IwasgladIhadruinedhisnight,ifonlyalittlebit.
Onthewaytothecaragirlstoppedme.Sheworeherblondish-brownhairintwopigtails,andshehadonapinklow-cutshirt.“DoyoulikeCam?”thegirlaskedmecasually.Iwonderedhowsheknewhim—Ithoughthe’dbeenanobodyjustlikeme.
“Ibarelyevenknowhim,”Itoldher,andherfacerelaxed.Shewasrelieved.Irecognizedthatlookinhereyes—dreamyandhopeful.ItmusthavebeenthewayIlookedwhenIusedtotalkaboutConrad,usedtotrytothinkofwaystoinserthisnameintoconversation.Itmademesadforher,forme.
“IsawthewayNicoletalkedtoyou,”shesaidabruptly.“Don’tworryabouther.Shesucksasaperson.”
“RedSoxgirl?Yeah,shekindofdoessuckatbeingaperson,”Iagreed.ThenIwavedgood-byetoherasJeremiahandConradandImadeourwaytothecar.
Conraddrove.Hewascompletelysober,andIknewhehadbeenallalong.HecheckedoutCam’shoodie,buthedidn’tsayanything.Wedidn’tspeaktoeachotheronce.JeremiahandIbothsatinthebackseat,andhetriedtojokearound,butnobodylaughed.Iwastoobusythinking,rememberingeverythingthathadhappenedthatnight.Ithoughttomyself,Thatmighthavebeenthebestnightofmylife
Inmyyearbooktheyearbefore,SeanKirkpatrickwrotethatIhad“eyessoclear”hecould“seerightintomysoul.”Seanwasadramageek,butsowhat.Itstillmademefeelgood.TaylorsnickeredwhenIshowedittoher.ShesaidonlySeanKirkpatrickwouldnoticethecolorofmyeyeswhentherestoftheguysweretoobusylookingatmychest.Butthiswasn’tSeanKirkpatrick.ThiswasCam,arealguywhohadnoticedmeevenbeforeIwaspretty.
IwasbrushingmyteethintheupstairsbathroomwhenJeremiahcamein,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.Reachingforhistoothbrush,hesaid,“What’sgoingonwithyouandCon?Whyareyouguyssomadateachother?”Hehoppedupontothesink.
Jeremiahhateditwhenpeoplefought.Itwaspartofwhyhealwaysplayedtheclown.Hetookituponhimselftobringlevitytoanysituation.Itwassweetbutalsokindofannoying.
ThroughamouthfuloftoothpasteIsaid,“Um,becausehe’saself-righteousneo-maxi-zoom-dweebie?”
Webothlaughedatthat.Itwasoneofourlittleinsidejokes,alinefromTheBreakfastClubthatwespentrepeatingtoeachotherthesummerIwaseightandhewasnine.
Heclearedhisthroat.“Seriously,though,don’tbesohardonhim.He’sgoingthroughsomestuff.”
Thiswasnewstome.“What?Whatstuff?”Idemanded.
Jeremiahhesitated.“It’snotuptometotellyou.”
“Comeon.Wetelleachothereverything,Jere.Nosecrets,remember?”
Hesmiled.“Iremember.ButIstillcan’ttellyou.It’snotmysecret.”
Frowning,Iturnedthefaucetonandsaid,“Youalwaystakehisside.”
“I’mnottakinghisside.I’mjusttellinghisside.”
“Samething.”
Hereachedoutandturnedthecornersofmymouthup.Itwasoneofhisoldesttricks;nomatterwhat,itmademesmile.“Nopouting,Bells,remember?”
NoPoutingwasaruleConradandStevenhadmadeuponesummer.IthinkIwaseightornine.Thethingwas,itonlyappliedtome.Theyevenputasignuponmybedroomdoor.Itoreitdown,ofcourse,andIranandtoldSusannahandmymother.ThatnightIgotsecondsondessert,Iremember.AnytimeIactedtheslightestbitsadorunhappy,oneoftheboyswouldstartyelling,“Nopouting.Nopouting.”And,okay,maybeIdidpoutalot,butitwastheonlywayIcouldevergetmyway.Insomewaysitwasevenharderbeingtheonlygirlbackthen.Insomewaysnot.
chaptertwenty-two
ThatnightIsleptinCam’shoodie.Itwasstupidandkindofsappy,butIdidn’tcare.AndthenextdayIworeitoutside,eventhoughitwasblazinghotout.Ilovedhowthesleeveswerefrayed,thewayitfeltlivedin.Itfeltlikeaboy’s.
Camwasthefirstboytopayattentiontomelikethat,tobeupfrontaboutthefactthatheactuallywantedtohangoutwithme.Andnotbe,like,embarrassedaboutit.
WhenIwokeup,IrealizedthatIhadgivenhimthehousenumber.Ididn’tknowwhy.Icouldhavegivenhimmycellphonenumberjustaseasily.
Ikeptwaitingforthephonetoring.Thephoneneverrangatthesummerhouse.TheonlypeoplewhocalledthehousephonewereSusannah,tryingtofigureoutwhatkindoffishwewantedfordinner,ormymother,callingtotellSteventoputthetowelsinthedryer,ortogetthegrillgoing.
Istayedonthedeck,sunningandreadingmagazineswithCam’shoodieballedupinmylaplikeastuffedanimal.Sincewekeptthewindowsopen,IknewI’dhearifthephonerang.
Islatheredmyselfwithsunscreenfirst,andthentwolayersoftanningoil.Ididn’tknowifitwasanoxymoronorwhat,butbettersafethansorrywashowIfiguredit.IsetmyselfupwithalittlestationofcherryKool-Aidinanoldwaterbottle,plusaradio,plussunglasses,andmagazines.ThesunglasseswereapairthatSusannahhadboughtmeyearsago.Susannahlovedtobuypresents.Whenshewentoffforerrands,she’dcomehomewithpresents.Littlethings,likethispairofredheartsunglassesshesaidIjusthadtohave.SheknewjustwhatI’dlove,thingsIhadn’teventhoughtof,hadcertainlyneverthoughtofbuying.Thingslikelavenderfootlotion,orasilkquiltedpouchfortissues.
MymotherandSusannahhadleftearlythatmorningforoneoftheirartgallerytripstoDyerstown,andConrad,thankGod,hadleftforworkalready.Jeremiahwasstillasleep.Thehousewasmine.
Theideaoftanningsoundssofunintheory.Layingout,soakingupsunandsippingonsoda,fallingasleeplikeafatcat.Butthentheactualactofitiskindoftediousandboring.Andhot.Iwouldalwaysratherbefloatinginanocean,catchingsunthatway,thanlyingdownsweatinginthesun.Theysayyougettannerfasterwhenyou’rewet,anyhow.
ButthatmorningIhadnochoice.IncaseCamcalled,Imean.SoIlaythere,sweatingandsizzlinglikeapieceofchickenonagrill.Itwasboring,butitwasanecessity.
Justafterten,thephonerang.Isprangupandranintothekitchen.“Hello?”Isaidbreathlessly.
“Hi,Belly.It’sMr.Fisher.”
“Oh,hi,Mr.Fisher,”Isaid.Itriednottosoundtoodisappointed.
Heclearedhisthroat.“So,how’sitgoingdownthere?”
“Prettygood.Susannah’snothome,though.SheandmymomwenttoDyerstowntovisitsomegalleries.”
“Isee.…Howaretheboys?”
“Good…”IneverknewwhattosaytoMr.Fisher.“Conrad’satworkandJeremiah’sstillasleep.Doyouwantmetowakehimup?”
“No,no,that’sallright.”
Therewasthislongpause,andIscrambledtothinkofsomethingtosay.
“Areyou,um,comingdownthisweekend?”Iasked.
“No,notthisweekend,”hesaid.Hisvoicesoundedreallyfaraway.“I’lljustcallbacklater.Youhavefun,Belly.”
Ihungupthephone.Mr.Fisherhadn’tbeendowntoCousinsonceyet.HeusedtocometheweekendaftertheFourth,becauseitwaseasiergettingawayfromworkaftertheholiday.Whenhecame,he’dfireupthebarbecueallweekendlong,andhe’dwearhisapronthatsaidCHEFKNOWSBEST.IwonderedifSusannahwouldbesadhewasn’tcoming,iftheboyswouldcare.
Itrudgedbacktomyloungechair,backtothesun.Ifellasleeponmyloungechair,andIwokeuptoJeremiahsprinklingKool-Aidontomystomach.“Quitit,”Isaidgrouchily,sittingup.IwasthirstyfrommyextrasweetKool-Aid(Ialwaysmadeitwithdoublesugar),andIfeltdehydratedandsweaty.
Helaughedandsatdownonmyloungechair.“Isthiswhatyou’redoingallday?”
“Yes,”Isaid,wipingoffmystomachandthenwipingmyhandonhisshorts.
“Don’tbeboring.Comedosomethingwithme,”heordered.“Idon’thavetoworkuntiltonight.”
“I’mworkingonmytan,”Itoldhim.
“You’retanenough.”
“Willyouletmedrive?”
Hehesitated.“Fine,”hesaid.“Butyouhavetorinseofffirst.Idon’twantyougettingmyseatalloily.”
Istoodup,throwingmylimpgreasyhairintoahighponytail.“I’llgorightnow.Justwait,”Isaid.
Jeremiahwaitedformeinthecar,withtheAConfullblast.Hesatinthepassengerseat.“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked,gettingintothedriver’sseat.Ifeltlikeanoldpro.“Tennessee?NewMexico?WehavetogofarsoIcangetgoodpractice.”
Heclosedhiseyesandlaidhisheadback.“Justtakealeftoutofthedriveway,”hetoldme.
“Yessir,”Isaid,turningofftheACandopeningallfourwindows.Itwassomuchbetterdrivingwiththewindowsdown.Itfeltlikeyouwereactuallygoingsomewhere.
Hecontinuedgivingmedirections,andthenwepulleduptoGoKartCity.“Areyouserious?”
“We’regonnagetyousomedrivingpractice,”hesaid,grinninglikecrazy.
Wewaitedinlineforthecars,andwhenitwasourturn,theguytoldmetogetintheblueone.Isaid,“CanIdrivetheredoneinstead?”
Hewinkedatmeandsaid,“You’resopretty,I’dletyoudrivemycar.”
Icouldfeelmyselfblush,butIlikedit.Theguywasolderthanme,andhewasactuallypayingmeattention.Itwaskindofamazing.I’dseenhimtherethesummerbefore,andhehadn’tlookedatmeonce.
Gettingintothecarnexttome,Jeremiahmuttered,“Whatafreakingcheeseball.Heneedstogetarealjob.”
“Likelifeguardingisarealjob?”Icountered.
Jeremiahscowled.“Justdrive.”
Everytimemycarcamebackaroundthetrack,theguywavedatme.Thethirdtimehedidit,Iwavedback.
Werodearoundthetrackabunchoftimes,untilitwastimeforJeremiahtogotowork.
“Ithinkyou’vehadenoughdrivingfortoday,”Jeremiahsaid,rubbinghisneck.“I’lldriveushome.”
Ididn’targuewithhim.Hedrovehomefast,anddroppedmeoffatthecurbandheadedtowork.Isteppedbackintothehousefeelingverytiredandtan.Andalsosatisfied.
“SomeonenamedCamcalledforyou,”mymothersaid.Shewassittingatthekitchentable,readingthepaperwithherhorn-rimmedreadingglasseson.Shedidn’tlookup.
“Hedid?”Iasked,coveringmysmilewiththebackofmyhand.“Well,didheleaveanumber?”
“No,”shesaid.“Hesaidhe’dcallback.”
“Whydidn’tyouaskforit?”Isaid,andIhatedthewhininessinmyvoice,butwhenitcametomymother,itwaslikeIcouldn’thelpit.
That’swhenshelookedatme,perplexed.“Idon’tknow.Hewasn’tofferingit.Whoisheanyway?”
“Forgetit,”Itoldher,walkingovertotherefrigeratorforsomelemonade.
“Suityourself,”mymothersaid,goingbacktoherpaper.
Shedidn’tpresstheissue.Sheneverdid.Sheatleastcouldhavegottenhisnumber.IfSusannahhadbeendownhereinsteadofher,shewouldhavebeensingsongyandshewouldhaveteasedandsnoopeduntilItoldhereverything.WhichIwouldhave,gladly.
“Mr.Fishercalledthismorning,”Isaid.
Mymotherlookedupagain.“Whatdidhesay?”
“Nothingmuch.Justthathecan’tcomethisweekend.”
Shepursedherlips,butshedidn’tsayanything.
“Where’sSusannah?”Iasked.“Issheinherroom?”
“Yes,butshedoesn’tfeelwell.She’stakinganap,”mymothersaid.Inotherwords,Don’tgoupandbotherher.
“What’swrongwithher?”
“Shehasasummercold,”mymothersaidautomatically.
Mymotherwasaterribleliar.Susannahhadbeenspendingalotoftimeinherroom,andtherewasasadnesstoherthathadn’tbeentherebefore.Iknewsomethingwasup.Ijustwasn’tcompletelysurewhat.
chaptertwenty-three
Camcalledagainthenextnight,andthenightafterthat.Wetalkedonthephonetwicebeforewemetupagain,for,like,fourorfivehoursatatime.Whenwetalked,Ilayononeoftheloungechairsontheporchandstaredupatthemoonwithmytoespointedtowardthesky.IlaughedsohardthatJeremiahyelledouthiswindowformetokeepitdown.Wetalkedabouteverything,andIlovedit,butthewholetimeIwonderedwhenhewasgoingtoasktoseemeagain.Hedidn’t.
SoIhadtotakemattersintomyownhands.IinvitedCamtocomeoverandplayvideogamesandmaybeswim.Ifeltlikesomekindofliberatedwomancallinghimupandinvitinghimover,likeitwasthekindofthingIdidallthetime.Whenreally,IwasonlydoingitbecauseIknewnoonewasgoingtobeathome.Ididn’twantJeremiahorConradormymotherorevenSusannahtoseehimjustyet.Fornow,hewasjustmine.
“I’mareallygoodswimmer,sodon’tbemadwhenweraceandIbeatyou,”Isaidoverthephone.
Helaughedandsaid,“Atfreestyle?”
“Atanystyle.”
“Whydoyouliketowinsomuch?”
Ididn’thaveananswerforthat,excepttosaythatwinningwasfun,andanyway,whodidn’tliketowin?GrowingupwithStevenandspendingmysummerswithJeremiahandConrad,winningwasalwaysimportant,anddoublysobecauseIwasagirlandwasneverexpectedtowinanything.Victoryisathousandtimessweeterwhenyou’retheunderdog.
Camcameover,andIwatchedfrommybedroomwindowashedroveup.Hiscarwasnavyblueandoldandbeat-uplooking,likehishoodiethatIwasalreadyplanningonkeeping.Itlookedlikeexactlythekindofcarhe’ddrive.
Herangthedoorbell,andIflewdownthestairstoopenthedoor.“Hi,”Isaid.Iwaswearinghishoodie.
“You’rewearingmyhoodie,”hesaid,smilingdownatme.HewaseventallerthanI’dremembered.
“Youknow,IwasthinkingthatIwanttokeepit,”Itoldhim,lettinghiminandclosingthedoorbehindme.“ButIdon’texpecttogetitforfree.I’llraceyouforit.”
“Butifwerace,youcan’tbemadifIbeatyou,”hesaid,raisinganeyebrowatme.“It’smyfavoritehoodie,andifIwin,I’mtakingit.”
“Noproblem,”Itoldhim.
Wewentouttothepoolthroughthebackscreendoor,downtheporchsteps.IthrewoffmyshortsandT-shirtandhishoodiequickly,withouteventhinking—JeremiahandIracedallthetimeinthepool.Itdidn’toccurtometobeself-conscioustobeinabikiniinfrontofCam.Afterall,wespentthewholesummerinbathingsuitsinthathouse.
ButhelookedawayquicklyandtookoffhisT-shirt.“Ready?”hesaid,standingbytheedge.
Iwalkedovernexttohim.“Onefulllap?”Iasked,dippingmytoeintothewater.
“Sure,”hesaid.“Youwantaheadstart?”
Isnorted.“Doyouwantaheadstart?”
“Touché,”hesaid,grinning.
I’dneverheardaboysay“touché”before.Oranyoneelse,forthatmatter.Maybemymother.Butonhimitlookedgood.Itwasdifferent.
Iwonthefirstraceeasily.“Youletmewin,”Iaccused.
“No,Ididn’t,”hesaid,butIknewitwasn’ttrue.Inallthesummersandalloftheraces,noboy,notConradorJeremiahorcertainlynotSteven,hadeverletmewin.
“Youbettergiveityourallthistime,”Iwarned.“OrI’mkeepingthehoodie.”
“Besttwooutofthree,”Camsaid,wipingthehairoutofhiseyes.
Hewonthenextheat,andIwonthelastone.Iwasn’tfullyconvincedthathedidn’tjustletmewin—afterall,hewassotallandlong,hisonestrokewasworthtwoofmine.ButIwantedtokeepthehoodie,soIdidn’tchallengethewin.Afterall,awinwasawin.
Whenhehadtoleave,Iwalkedhimtohiscar.Hedidn’tgetinrightaway.Therewasthislongpause,thefirstwe’dhad,ifyoucanbelieveit.Camclearedhisthroatandsaid,“SothisguyIknow,Kinsey,ishavingapartytomorrownight.Doyoumaybewanttocome?”
“Yeah,”Isaidrightaway.“Ido.”
Imadethemistakeofmentioningitatbreakfastthenextmorning.MymotherandSusannahweregroceryshopping.Itwasjustmeandtheboys,thewayithadbeenforthemostpartthissummer.“I’mgoingtoapartytonight,”Isaid,partlyjusttosayitoutloudandpartlytobrag.
Conradraisedhiseyebrows.“You?”
“Whoseparty?”Jeremiahdemanded.“Kinsey’s?”
Iputdownmyjuice.“How’dyouknow?”
Jeremiahlaughedandwaggedhisfingeratme.“IknoweverybodyinCousins,Belly.I’malifeguard.That’slikebeingthemayor.GregKinseyworksatthatsurfshopoverbythemall.”
Frowning,Conradsaid,“Doesn’tGregKinseysellcrystalmethoutofhistrunk?”
“What?No.Camwouldn’tbefriendswithsomeonelikethat,”Isaiddefensively.
“Who’sCam?”Jeremiahaskedme.
“ThatguyImetatClay’sbonfire.Heaskedmetogotothispartywithhim,andIsaidyes.”
“Sorry.Youaren’tgoingtosomemethaddict’sparty,”Conradsaid.
ThiswasthesecondtimeConradwastryingtotellmewhattodo,andIwassickofit.Whodidhethinkhewas?Ihadtogotothisparty.Ididn’tcareiftherewascrystalmethornot,Iwasgoing.“I’mtellingyou,Camwouldn’tbefriendswithsomeonelikethat!He’sstraightedge.”
ConradandJeremiahbothsnorted.Inmomentslikethese,theywereateam.“He’sstraightedge?”Jeremiahsaid,tryingnottosmile.“Neat.”
“Verycool,”agreedConrad.
Iglaredatthebothofthem.Firsttheydidn’twantmehangingoutwithmethaddicts,andthenbeingstraightedgewasn’tcooleither.“Hedoesn’tdodrugs,allright?WhichiswhyIhighlydoubthe’dbefriendswithadrugdealer.”
Jeremiahscratchedhischeekandsaid,“Youknowwhat,itmightbeGregRosenbergwho’sthemethdealer.GregKinsey’sprettycool.Hehasapooltable.IthinkI’llcheckthispartyouttoo.”
“Wait,what?”Iwasstartingtopanic.
“IthinkI’llgotoo,”Conradsaid.“Ilikepool.”
Istoodup.“Youguyscan’tcome.Youweren’tinvited.”
Conradleanedbackinhischairandputhisarmsbehindhishead.“Don’tworry,Belly.Wewon’tbotheryouonyourbigdate.”
“Unlessheputshishandsonyou.”Jeremiahgroundhisfistintohishandthreateningly,hisblueeyesnarrow.“Thenhisassisgrass.”
“Thisisn’thappening,”Imoaned.“Youguys,I’mbeggingyou.Don’tcome.Please,pleasedon’tcome.”
Jeremiahignoredme.“Con,whatareyougonnawear?”
“Ihaven’tthoughtaboutit.Maybemykhakishorts?Whatareyougonnawear?”
“Ihateyouguys,”Isaid.
ThingshadbeenweirdwithmeandConradandalsowithmeandJeremiah—animpossiblethoughtcreptitswayintomyhead.Wasitpossibletheydidn’twantmewithCam?Becausethey,like,hadfeelingsforme?Couldthatevenbe?Idoubtedit.Iwaslikealittlesistertothem.Only,Iwasn’t.
WhenIfinishedgettingreadyanditwasalmosttimetogo,IstoppedbySusannah’sroomtosaygood-bye.Sheandmymotherwereholedupintheresortingthrougholdpictures.Susannahwasallreadyforbed,eventhoughitwasstillprettyearly.Shehadherpillowsproppeduparoundher,andshewaswearingoneofhersilkrobesthatMr.FisherhadboughtheronabusinesstriptoHongKong.Itwaspoppyandcream,andwhenIgotmarried,Iwantedonejustlikeit.
“Comesitdownandhelpusputthisalbumtogether,”mymothersaid,riflingthroughanoldstripedhatbox.
“Laurel,can’tyouseeshe’salldressedup?She’sgotbetterthingstodothanlookatdustyoldpictures.”Susannahwinkedatme.“Belly,youlookfreshasadaisy.Iloveyouinwhitewithyourtan.Itsetsyouofflikeapictureframe.”
“Thanks,Susannah,”Isaid.
Iwasn’tallthatdressedup,butIwasn’tinshortslikethenightofthebonfire.Iwaswearingawhitesundressandflip-flops,andI’dputmyhairinbraidswhileitwasstillwet.IknewI’dprobablytakethemoutinabouthalfanhourbecausetheyweresotight,butIdidn’tcare.Theywerecute.
“Youdolooklovely.Whereareyouheaded?”mymotheraskedme.
“Justtoaparty,”Isaid.
Mymotherfrownedandsaid,“AreConradandJeremiahgoingtothispartytoo?”
“They’renotmybodyguards,”Isaid,rollingmyeyes.
“Ididn’tsaytheywere,”mymothersaid.
Susannahwavedmeoffandsaid,“Havefun,Belly!”
“Iwill,”Isaid,shuttingthedoorbeforemymothercouldaskmeanymorequestions.
I’dhopedthatConradandJeremiahhadjustbeenkiddingaround,thattheyweren’treallygonnatrytocome.ButwhenIrandownthestairstomeetCam’scar,Jeremiahcalledout,“Hey,Belly?”
HeandConradwerewatchingTVinthefamilyroom.Ipokedmyheadinthedoorway.“What?”Isnapped.“I’mkindofinahurry.”
Jeremiahturnedhisheadtowardmeandwinkedlazily.“Seeyousoon.”
Conradlookedatmeandsaid,“What’swiththeperfume?It’sgivingmeaheadache.Andwhyareyouwearingallthatmakeup?”
Iwasn’twearingthatmuchmakeup.Ihadsomeblushandmascaraandalittlelipgloss,thatwasit.Itwasjustthathewasn’tusedtomewearingany.AndI’dsprayedmyneckandwrists,thatwasall.Conradsurehadn’tmindedRedSoxgirl’sperfume.He’dlovedherperfume.Still,Itookonelastlookatmyselfinthemirrorinthehallway—andIrubbedalittleoftheblushoff,alsotheperfume.
ThenIslammedthedoorshutandrandownthedriveway,whereCamwasturningin.I’dbeenwatchingfrommybedroomwindowsoI’dknowtheexactmomenthedroveup,sohewouldn’thavetocomeinsideandmeetmymother.
IhoppedintoCam’scar.“Hi,”Isaid.
“Hi.Iwould’verungthedoorbell,”hetoldme.
“Trustme,it’sbetterthisway,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelingveryshy.Howisitpossibletotalktosomeoneonthephoneforhoursandhours,toevenswimwiththisperson,andthenfeellikeyoudon’tknowthem?
“SothisguyKinsey,he’skindofweird,buthe’sagoodperson,”Camtoldmeashebackedoutofthedriveway.Hewasagooddriver,careful.
CasuallyIasked,“Doeshebyanychancesellcrystalmeth?”
“Um,notthatIknowof,”hetoldme,smiling.HisrightcheekhadadimpleinitthatIhadn’tnoticedtheothernight.Itwasnice.
Irelaxed.Nowthatthecrystalmethstuffwasoutoftheway,therewasonlyonemorething.Itwistedthecharmbraceletonmywristoverandoverandsaid,“So,youknowthoseguysIwaswithatthebonfire?JeremiahandConrad?”
“Yourfakebrothers?”
“Yeah.Ithinktheymightbestoppingbythepartytoo.Theyknow,um,Kinsey,”Isaid.
“Oh,really?”hesaid.“Cool.Maybethey’llseethatI’mnotsomekindofcreep.”
“Theydon’tthinkyou’reacreep,”Itoldhim.“Well,theykindofdo,butthey’dthinkanyguyItalktoisacreep,soit’snothingpersonal.”
“Theymustreallycareaboutyoualottobesoprotective,”hesaid.
Didthey?
“Um,notreally.Well,Jeremiahdoes,butConradisallaboutduty.Orheusedtobeanyway.Heshould’vebeenoneofthosesamurais.”Iglancedoverathim.“I’msorry.Isthisboring?”
“No,keeptalking,”Camsaid.“Howdoyouknowaboutsamurais?”
Tuckingmylegsundermybutt,Isaid,“Ms.Baskerville’sglobalstudiesclassinninthgrade.WedidawholeunitonJapanandBushido.Iwas,like,obsessedwiththeideaofseppuku.”
“Mydad’shalf-Japanese,”hesaid.“Mygrandmotherlivesthere,sowegooutandvisitheronceayear.”
“Wow.”I’dneverbeentoJapan,oranywhereinAsiaforthatmatter.Mymother’stravelshadn’ttakenherthereyeteither,thoughIknewshewantedtogo.“DoyouspeakJapanese?”
“Alittle,”hesaid,rubbingthetopofhishead.“Igetbyokay.”
Iwhistled—mywhistlewassomethingIwasproudof.Mybrother,Steven,hadtaughtme.“SoyouspeakEnglish,French,andJapanese?That’sprettyamazing.You’relikesomekindofgenius,huh,”Iteased.
“IspeakLatin,too,”heremindedme,grinning.
“Latin’snotspoken.It’sadeadlanguage,”Isaid,justtobecontrary.
“It’snotdead.It’sineveryWesternlanguage.”Hesoundedlikemyseventh-gradeLatinteacher,Mr.Coney.
WhenwepulleduptothisguyKinsey’shouse,Ikindofdidn’twanttogetoutofthecar.IlovedthefeelingoftalkingandhavingsomebodyreallylistentowhatIhadtosay.Itwaslikeahighorsomething.Inthisweirdway,Ifeltpowerful.
Weparkedinthecul-de-sac—therewereatonofcars.Somewerehalfwayonthelawn.Camwalkedquickly.HislegsweresolongthatIhadtohurrytokeepup.“Sohowdoyouknowthisguy?”Iaskedhim.
“He’smysupplier.”Helaughedattheexpressiononmyface.“You’rereallygullible,Flavia.Hisparentshaveaboat.I’veseenhimdownatthemarina.He’saniceguy.”
Wewalkedrightinwithoutknocking.ThemusicwassoloudIcouldhearitfromthedriveway.Itwaskaraokemusic—therewasagirlsinging“LikeaVirgin”atthetopofherlungsandrollingaroundontheground,hermikegettingtwistedupinherjeans.Thereweretenorsopeopleinthelivingroom,drinkingbeerandpassingaroundasongbook.“Sing‘Livin’onaPrayer’next,”someguyurgedthegirlonthefloor.
AcoupleofguysIdidn’trecognizewerecheckingmeout—Icouldfeeltheireyesonme,andIwonderedifIreallyhadworntoomuchmakeup.Itwasanewthingtohaveguyslookingatme,muchlessaskingmeondates.Itfeltequalpartsamazingandscary.Ispottedthegirlfromthebonfire,theonewholikedCam.Shelookedatus,andthenshelookedaway,sneakingglanceseveryonceinawhile.Ifeltbadforher;Iknewhowthatfelt.
IalsorecognizedourneighborJill,whospentweekendsatCousins—shewavedatme,anditoccurredtomethatI’dneverseenheroutsideoftheneighborhood,ourfrontyards.Shewassittingnexttotheguyfromthevideostore,theonewhoworkedonTuesdaysandworehisnametagupsidedown.I’dneverseenthelowerhalfofhisbodybefore,hewasalwaysstandingbehindthecounter.AndthentherewasthewaitressKatiefromJimmy’sCrabShackwithoutherred-and-whitestripeduniform.ThesewerepeopleI’dbeenseeingeverysummerformywholelife.Sothisiswherethey’dbeenallthistime.Out,atparties,whileI’dbeenleftout,lockedawayinthesummerhouselikeRapunzel,watchingoldmovieswithmymotherandSusannah.
Camseemedtoknoweverybody.Hesaidhi,shoulder-bumpingguysandhugginggirls.Heintroducedme.HecalledmehisfriendFlavia.“MeetmyfriendFlavia,”hesaid.“ThisisKinsey.Thisishishouse.”
“Hi,Kinsey,”Isaid.
Kinseywassprawledoutonthecouch,andhewasn’twearingashirt.Hehadascrawnybirdchest.Hedidn’tlooklikeamethdealer.Helookedlikeapaperboy.
Hetookagulpofbeerandsaid,“Myname’snotreallyKinsey.It’sGreg.EverybodyjustcallsmeKinsey.”
“Myname’snotreallyFlavia.It’sBelly.OnlyCamcallsmeFlavia.”
Kinseynoddedlikethatactuallymadesense.“Youguyswantsomethingtodrink,there’sacoolerinthekitchen.”
Camsaid,“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”
Iwasn’tsureifIshouldsayyesornot.Ontheonehand,yeah,Ikindofdid.Ineverdrank.Itwouldbe,like,anexperience.Furtherproofthatthissummerwasspecial,important.Ontheotherhand,wouldhebegrossedoutbymeifIdid?Wouldhejudgemeforit?Ididn’tknowwhatthestraightedgeruleswere
Idecidedagainstit.ThelastthingIneededwastosmelllikeClayhadtheothernight.“I’llhaveaCoke,”Itoldhim.
Camnodded,andIcouldtellheapproved.Weheadedovertothekitchen.Aswewalked,Iheardlittlesnatchesofconversation—“IheardKellygotaDUIandthat’swhysheisn’therethissummer.”“Iheardshegotkickedoutofschool.”IwonderedwhoKellywas.IwonderedifI’drecognizeherifIsawher.ItwasallStevenandJeremiahandConrad’sfault—theynevertookmeanywhere.ThatwaswhyIdidn’tknowanybody.
Allofthechairsinthekitchenhadpursesandjacketsonthem,soCammovedoversomeemptybeerbottlesandmadeanemptyspaceonthecounter.Ihoppedupandsatonit.
“Doyouknowallthesepeople?”IaskedCam.
“Notreally,”hesaid.“IjustwantedyoutothinkIwascool.”
“Ialreadydo,”Isaid,andIblushedalmostimmediately.
HelaughedlikeIhadmadeajoke,whichmademefeelbetter.HeopenedupthecoolerandpulledoutaCoke.Heopeneditandhandedittome.
Camsaid,“JustbecauseI’mstraightedgedoesn’tmeanyoucan’tdrink.Imean,I’lljudgeyouforit,butyoucanstilldrinkifyouwantto.Thatwasajoke,bytheway.”
“Iknow,”Isaid.“ButI’mgoodwiththisCoke.”Whichwastrue.
ItookalongsipofmyCokeandburped.“Scuseme,”Isaid,unravelingoneofmybraids.Theywerealreadytootight,andmyheadfeltsore.
“Youburp,like,babyburps,”hesaid.“It’skindofgrossbutalsokindofcute.”
Iunraveledtheotherbraidandhithimontheshoulder.InmyheadIheardConradgo,Ooh,you’rehittinghimnow.Waytoflirt,Belly,waytoflirt.Evenwhenhewasn’tthere,hewasthere.Andthenhereallywas.
Outofnowhere,IheardJeremiah’ssignatureyodelonthekaraokemachine.Ibitmylip.“They’rehere,”Isaid.
“Youwanttogooutandsayhi?”
“Notreally,”Isaid,butIhoppeddownfromthecounter.
Wewentbacktothelivingroom,andJeremiahwascenterstage,falsettoandsingingsomesongI’dneverheardof.Thegirlswerelaughingandwatchinghim,allgoogly-eyed.AndConrad,hewasonthecouchwithabeerinhishand.RedSoxgirlwasperchedonthearmrestnexttohim,leaningincloseandlettingherhairfallinhisfacelikeacurtainthatencasedthetwoofthem.Iwonderedifthey’dpickedherup,ifhe’dlethersitshotgun.
“He’sagoodsinger,”Camsaid.ThenhelookedwhereIwaslookingandsaid,“AreheandNicoletogether?”
“Whoknows?”Isaid.“Whocares?”
Jeremiahspottedmethen,ashebowedattheendofhissong.“Belly!Thisnextsonggoesouttoyou.”HepointedatCam.“What’syourname?”
Camclearedhisthroat.“Cam.Cameron.”
Jeremiahsaidrightintothemike,“YournameisCamCameron?Damn,thatsucks,dude.”Everyonelaughed,especiallyConrad,whenjustasecondagohe’dlookedsobored.
“It’sjustCam,”Camsaidquietly.Helookedatmethen,andIwasembarrassed.Notforhim,butofhim.Ihatedthemforthat.
ItwaslikeConradandJeremiahhaddeemedhimunworthyandsoIhadtotoo.ItwasfunnyhowI’dfeltsoclosetohimjustafewminutesbefore.
“Okay,CamCameron.ThissonggoesouttoyouandourfavoritelittleBellyButton.Hitit,ladies.”Somegirlpushedtheplaybuttonontheremote.“Summerlovin’,hadmeablast…”
Iwantedtokillhim,butallIcoulddowasshakemyheadathimandglare.Itwasn’tlikeIcouldgrabthemikeoutofhishandinfrontofallthesepeople.Jeremiahjustgrinnedatmeandstartedtodance.Oneofthegirlssittingonthefloorjumpedupandstarteddancingwithhim.ShesangtheOliviaNewton-Johnpart,off-key.Conradwatchedinhisamused,condescendingway.Iheardsomeonesay,“Whoisthatgirlanyway?”Shewaslookingrightatmeasshesaidit.
Nexttome,Camwaslaughing.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Iwasdyingofembarrassmentandhewaslaughing.“Smile,Flavia,”hesaid,pokingmeintheside.
Whensomeonetellsmetosmile,Ican’thelpit.Ialwaysdo.
MidwaythroughJeremiah’ssong,CamandIwalkedout—withoutevenlooking,IknewConradwaswatchingus.
CamandIsatonthestaircaseandtalked.Hesatonthestepaboveme.Hewasnicetotalkto,notintimidatingatall.Ilovedthewayhelaughedsoeasily—notlikewithConrad.WithConradyouhadtoworkhardforeverysmile.NothingevercameeasywithConrad.
ThewayCamwasleaningintome,Ithoughthemighttrytokissme.IwasprettysureI’dlethim.Buthe’dleaninandscratchhisankle,ortugathissock,andthenshiftaway,andthenhe’ddoitagain.
Whenhewasinthemiddleofaleanin,Iheardpissedoff,belligerentvoicescomingfromthedeckoutside.OneofthemwasdefinitelyConrad’spissedoff,belligerentvoice.Ijumpedup.“Something’sgoingonoutthere.”
“Let’scheckitout,”saidCam,leadingtheway.
Conradandsomeguywithabarbedwiretattooonhisforearmwerearguing.TheguywasshorterthanConrad,butstockier.Hewaspackingsomeseriousmuscle,andhelookedlikehewas,like,twenty-five.Jeremiahwatched,bemused,butIcouldtellhewasalert,readytojumpinifheneededto.
ToJeremiahIwhispered,“Whataretheyfightingabout?”
Heshrugged.“Conrad’swasted.Don’tworryaboutit.They’rejustshowingoff.”
“Theylookliketheymightkilleachother,”Isaiduneasily.
“They’refine,”Camsaid.“Butweshouldprobablygetoutofhere.It’slate.”
Iglancedathim.I’dalmostforgottenhewasstandingnexttome.“I’mnotleaving,”Isaid.NotthatIcoulddoanythingtostopafightfromhappening.Butitwouldn’tberighttojustleavehimthere.
Conradsteppedupclosetothetattooguy,whoshovedhimawayeasily,andConradlaughed.Icouldfeelanactualfightbrewing,likeathunderstorm.Justlikethewaythewatergotreallystillbeforetheskybrokeopen.
“Areyougonnadosomething?”Ihissed.
“He’sabigboy,”Jeremiahsaid,hiseyescloseonConrad.“He’llbefine.”
Buthedidn’tbelieveit,andneitherdidI.Conraddidn’tseemfineatall.Hedidn’tseemliketheConradFisherIknew,allwildandoutofcontrol.Whatifhegothimselfhurt?Whatthen?Ihadtohelp,Ijusthadto.
Istartedwalkingovertothem,andIwavedoffJeremiahwhenhetriedtostopme.WhenIgotthere,IrealizedIhadnoideawhattosay.Ihadnevertriedtobreakupafightbefore.
“Um,hi,”Isaid,standingbetweenthetwoofthem.“Wehavetoleave.”
Conradpushedmeoutoftheway.“Getthehelloutofhere,Belly.”
“Whoisthis?Yourbabysister?”Theguylookedmeupanddown.
“No.I’mBelly,”Itoldhim.Only,Iwasnervous,andIstutteredwhenIsaidmyname.
“Belly?”Theguybustedoutlaughing,andIgrabbedConrad’sarm.
“We’regonnaleavenow,”Isaid.
Irealizedhowdrunkhewaswhenheswayedalittleashetriedtoswatmeoff.“Don’tleave.Thingsarejustgettingfun.See,I’mabouttokickthisguy’sass.”I’dneverseenhimlikethisbefore.Hisintensityscaredme.IwonderedwhereRedSoxgirlhadgone.IkindofwishedshewasheretohandleConradandnotme.Ididn’tknowwhatIwassupposedtodo.
Theguylaughed,butIcouldtellhewantedafightjustaboutasmuchasIdid.Helookedtired,likeallhewantedwastoheadhomeandwatchTVinhisboxers.WhereasConradwasrunningonallcylinders.Conradwaslikeasodabottlethathadbeenshakenup;hewasabouttoexplodeonsomebody.Itdidn’tmatterwhoitwas.Itdidn’tmatterthatthisguywasbiggerthanhim.Itwouldn’thavematteredifhewastwentyfeettallandbuiltlikeabrick.Conradwaslookingforafight.Hewouldn’tbesatisfieduntilhegotone.Andthisguy,hecouldkillConrad.
TheguykeptlookingatConradandthenbackatme.Shakinghishead,hesaid,“Belly,youbettergetthislittleboyhome.”
“Don’ttalktoher,”Conradwarned.
IputmyhandonConrad’schest.Ihadneverdonethatbefore.Itfeltsolidandwarm;Icouldfeelhisheartbeatingfastandoutofcontrol.“Canwepleasejustgohome,”Ipleaded.ButitwaslikeConraddidn’tevenseemestandingthere,orfeelmyhandonhischest.
“Listentoyourgirlfriend,kid,”theguysaid.
“I’mnothisgirlfriend,”Isaid,glancingoveratCam,whohadnoexpressiononhisface.
ThenIlookedbackatJeremiahhelplessly,andheambledover.HewhisperedsomethinginConrad’sear,andConradshookhimoff.ButJeremiahkepttalkingtohiminhislowvoice,andwhentheylookedatme,Irealizeditwasaboutme.Conradhesitated,andthenhefinallynodded.Thenhehalfjokinglymadelikehewasgoingtohittheguy,andtheguyrolledhiseyes.“Goodnight,douche,”hesaidtotheguy.
Theguywavedhimoffwithonehand.Iletoutabigbreath.
Aswewalkedbacktothecar,Camgrabbedmyarm.“Areyouokaytogohomewiththeseguys?”heaskedme.
Conradwhirledaroundandsaid,“Whoisthisguy?”
IshookmyheadatCamandsaid,“I’llbefine.Don’tworry.I’llcallyou.”
Helookedworried.“Who’sdriving?”
“Iam,”Jeremiahsaid,andConraddidn’targue.“Don’tworry,StraightEdge,Idon’tdrinkanddrive.”
Iwasembarrassed,andIcouldtellCamwasbothered,buthejustnodded.QuicklyIhuggedhim,andhefeltstiff.Iwantedtomakethingsokay.“Thanksfortonight,”Isaid.
Iwatchedhimwalkaway,andIfeltastabofresentment—Conradandhisstupidtemperhadruinedmyfirstrealdate.Itwasn’tfair.
Jeremiahsaid,“Youguysgetinthecar;Ileftmyhatinside.I’llberightback.”
“Justhurry,”Itoldhim.
ConradandIgotinthecarsilently.Itfelteerilyquiet,andeventhoughitwasonlyjustpastone,itfeltlikeitwasfourinthemorningandthewholeworldhadgonetosleep.Helaydowninthebackseat,allofhisenergyfrombeforegone.Isatinthefrontseatwithmybarefeetonthedashboard,leaningbackfarintheseat.Neitherofusspoke.Ithadbeenfrighteningbackthere.Ididn’trecognizehim,thewayhe’dacted.Isuddenlyfeltverytired.
Myhairwashanginglow,andfromthebackseat,allofasudden,IfeltConradtouchingit,runninghisfingersthroughthebottom.IthinkIstoppedbreathing.Weweresittinginperfectsilence,andConradFisherwasplayingwithmyhair.
“Yourhairislikealittlekid’s,thewayit’salwayssomessy,”hesaidsoftly.Hisvoicemademeshiver,itwaslikethesoundofwaterwhenitpullsoffthesand.
Ididn’tsayanything.Ididn’tevenlookathim.Ididn’twanttoscarehimoff.ItwaslikethetimeIhadareallyhighfever,andeverythingfeltgauzyanddizzyandunreal,itfeltjustlikethat.AllIknewwas,Ididn’twanthimtostop.
Buthefinallydid.Iwatchedhiminthevisormirror.Heclosedhiseyesandsighed.Ididtoo.
“Belly,”hebegan.
Justassuddenly,everythinginmewasalert.Thesleepyfeelingwasgone;everypartofmybodywasawakenow.Iwasholdingmybreath,waitingforwhathewouldsay.Ididn’tanswerhim.Ididn’twanttobreakthespell.
That’swhenJeremiahcameback,openedthedoor,slammeditshut.Thismomentbetweenus,fragileandtenuous,snappedinhalf.Itwasover.Itwoulddonogoodtowonderwhathewasgoingtosay.Moments,whenlost,can’tbefoundagain.They’rejustgone.
Jeremiahlookedatmefunny.Icouldtellheknewthathe’dwalkedinonsomething.Ishruggedathim,andheturnedawayandstartedthecar.
Ireachedovertotheradioandturnediton,loud.
Thewholewayhome,therewasthisstrangetension,everyonekeepingquiet—Conradpassedoutinthebackseat,Jeremiahandmenotlookingateachotherinthefrontseat.Untilwepulledupthedriveway,whenJeremiahsaidtoConrad,inwhatwasaharshtoneforhim,“Don’tletMomseeyoulikethis.”
WhichwaswhenIrealized,remembered,thatConradreallyhadbeendrunk,thathecouldn’treallyhavebeenresponsibleforanythinghe’dsaidordonethatnight.Heprobablywouldn’trememberittomorrow.Itwouldbelikeithadneverhappened.
Assoonaswegotinside,Iranuptomyroom.IwantedtoforgetwhathadhappenedinthecarandonlyrememberthewayCamhadlookedatme,onthestairswithhisarmtouchingmyshoulder.
chaptertwenty-four
Thenextday,nothing.Itwasn’tthatheignoredme,becausethatwouldhavebeensomething.Somekindofproofthatithadhappened,thatsomethinghadchanged.Butno,hetreatedmethesame.LikeIwasstilllittleBelly,thegirlwiththemessyflyawayponytailandthebonyknees,runningafterthemonthebeach.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.
Thethingwas,whetherhewaspushingmeawayorpullingmetowardhim,Iwasstillgoinginthesamedirection.TowardConrad.
Camdidn’tcallmeforafewdays.NotthatIblamedhim.Ididn’tcallhimeither—althoughIthoughtaboutit.Ijustdidn’tknowwhattosay.
Whenhefinallycalled,hedidn’tbringuptheparty.Heaskedmetogotothedrive-in.Isaidyes.RightawayIworried,though—didgoingtothedrive-inmeanweweregoingtohavetomakeout?Like,crazymakeout,steamedwindowsandseatsallthewayback?
Becausethatwaswhatpeopledidatthedrive-in.Therewerethefamilies,andthentherewerethehotandheavycouplestowardthebackofthelot.I’dneverbeenpartofacouplebefore.I’dgoneasafamily,withSusannahandmymotherandeveryone,andI’dgonewiththeboys,butneverasacouple,likeonadate.
Once,JeremiahandStevenandIwentandspiedonConradononeofhisdates.SusannahletJeremiahdriveus,eventhoughheonlyhadapermit.Thedrive-inwasthreemilesaway,andatCousins,everyonedrove,evenkidsontheirparents’laps.Conradhadbeenfuriouswhenhe’dcaughtusspyingonhim.He’dbeenonhiswaytotheconcessionstandwhenhesawus.Ithadbeenprettyfunny—hishairwasallmessedupasheyelledatus,andhislipswererosyandtheyhadaglossysheen.Jeremiahcrackedupthewholetime.
IwishedStevenandJeremiahwereoutthereinthedarksomewhere,spyingonusandcrackingup.Itwouldmakemefeelcomfortedsomehow.Safer.
IwaswearingCam’shoodie,andIkeptitzippedallthewaytomyneck.Isatwithmyarmscrossed,likeIwasshivering.EventhoughIlikedCam,eventhoughIwantedtobethere,Ihadthesuddenurgetojumpoutofthecarandwalkhome.I’donlyeverkissedoneboy,andthathadn’tbeenforreal.Taylorcalledmethenun.MaybeIwasone,atheart.MaybeIshouldhavejoinedaconvent.Ididn’tevenknowifthiswasanactualdate.Maybehe’dbeensoturnedoffbymetheothernightthatallhewantedwastobemyfriend.
Camtunedtheradiountilhefoundtherightstation.Drumminghishandsonthesteeringwheel,hesaid,“Doyouwantanypopcornoranything?”
Ikindofdid,butIdidn’twantittogetstuckinmyteeth,soIsaidno,thanks.
Hewasprettyintothemovie,thewayheleanedupclosetothewindshieldtogetacloserlooksometimes.Itwasanoldhorrormovie,onethatCamtoldmewasreallyfamous,butI’dneverheardofit.Iwasbarelypayingattentionanyway—IfeltlikeIwaswatchinghimwaymorethanIwaswatchingthemovie.Helickedhislipsalot.Hedidn’tlookoverandlaughwithmeduringthefunnypartsthewayJeremiahdid.Hejustsatonhissideofthecar,leanedupagainstthedoor,asfarawayfrommeaspossible.
Whenthemoviewasover,hestartedthecarup.“Ready?”hesaid.
Ifeltawaveofdisappointment.Hewastakingmehomealready.Hewasn’tgoingtotakemetoScoopsforanicecreamcone,orahotfudgesundaetoshare.Thedate,ifyoucouldevencallitthat,hadbeenafailure.Hedidn’ttrytomakeoutwithmeonce.NotthatIknewifI’devenhavelethim,butstill.Hecould’veatleasttried.
“Um-hmm,”Isaid.IfeltlikeImightcry,andIwasn’tquitesurewhy,whenIhadn’tevenbeensureifIwantedtokisshiminthefirstplace.
Wedrovehomeinsilence.Heparkedthecarinfrontofthehouse—Iheldmybreathalittle,myhandonthedoorhandle,waitingtoseeifhe’dturnofftheignitionorifIshouldhopout.Butheturneditoffandleanedhisheadbackagainsttheheadrestasecond.
“DoyouknowwhyIrememberedyou?”heaskedmesuddenly.
Itwasaquestionsooutofnowherethatittookmealittlewhiletofigureoutwhathewastalkingabout.
“YoumeanfromLatinConvention?”
“Yeah.”
“WasitmyColiseummodel?”Iwasonlyhalf-joking.Stevenhadhelpedmebuildit;ithadbeenprettyimpressive.
“No.”Camranhishandthroughhishair.Hewouldn’tlookatme.“It’sbecauseIthoughtyouwerereallypretty.Like,maybetheprettiestgirlI’deverseen.”
Ilaughed.Inthecar,itsoundedreallyloud.“Yeah,right.Nicetry,Sextus.”
“Imeanit,”heinsisted,hisvoicerising.
“You’remakingthatup.”Ididn’tbelieveitcouldbetrue.Ididn’twanttoletmyselfbelieveit.Withtheboysanycomplimentlikethiswouldalwaysbethefirstpartofajoke.
Heshookhishead,lipstight.HewasoffendedthatIdidn’tbelievehim.Ihadn’tmeanttohurthisfeelings.Ijustdidn’tseehowitcouldbetrue.Itwasalmostmeanofhimtolieaboutit.IknewwhatIlookedlikebackthen,andIwasn’ttheprettiestgirlanybodyhadeverseen,notwithmythickglassesandchubbycheeksandlittle-girlbody.
Camlookedmeintheeyesthen.“Thefirstday,youworeabluedress.Itwas,like,corduroyorsomething.Itmadeyoureyeslookreallyblue.”
“Myeyesaregray,”Isaid.
“Yes,butthatdressmadethemlookblue.”
WhichwaswhyIworeit.Itwasmyfavorite.Iwonderedwhereitwasnow.Probablypackedupintheatticbackhome,withallmywinterclothes.Itwastoosmallnowanyway.
Helookedsosweet,thewayhewatchedme,waitingformyreaction.Hischeekswereflushedpeach.Iswallowedhardandsaid,“Whydidn’tyoucomeuptome?”
Heshrugged.“Youwerealwayswithyourfriends.Iwatchedyouthatwholeweek,tryingtogetupthenerve.Icouldn’tbelieveitwhenIsawyouatthebonfirethatnight.Prettybizarre,huh?”Camlaughed,buthesoundedembarrassed.
“Prettybizarre,”Iechoed.Icouldn’tbelievehe’dnoticedme.WithTaylorbymyside,whowouldhaveevenbotheredtolookatme?
“IalmostmessedupmyCatullusspeechonpurpose,soyou’dwin,”hesaid,remembering.Heinchedalittleclosertome.
“I’mgladyoudidn’t,”Isaid.Ireachedoutandtouchedhisarm.Myhandshook.“Iwishyouhadcomeuptome.”
That’swhenhedippedhisheadlowandkissedme.Ididn’tletgoofthedoorhandle.AllIcouldthinkwas,Iwishthishadbeenmyfirstkiss
chaptertwenty-five
WhenIwentintothehouse,Iwaswalkingoncottoncandyandclouds,replayingeverythingthathadjusthappened—untilIheardmymotherandSusannaharguinginthelivingroom.Fearseizedupinsideofme;itfeltlikeafistclenchedtightaroundmyheart.Theyneverfought,notreally.I’donlyeverseenthemfightonetime.Itwaslastsummer.ThethreeofushadgoneshoppingtothisfancymallanhourawayfromCousins.Itwasanoutdoormall,thekindwherepeoplebringtheirpocket-sizedogsonfancyleashes.Isawthisdress—itwasapurpleyplumchiffon,withlittleofftheshoulderstraps,waytoooldforme.Ilovedit.SusannahsaidIshouldtryiton,justforfun,soIdid.ShetookonelookatmeandsaidIhadtohaveit.Mymothershookherheadrightaway.Shesaid,“She’sfourteen.Wherewillshewearadresslikethat?”Susannahsaiditdidn’tmatter,thatitwasmadeforme.Iknewwecouldn’taffordit,mymotherwasnewlydivorced,afterall,butIstillpleadedwithher.Ibegged.Theygotintoanargumentrightthereintheboutique,infrontofpeople.Susannahwantedtobuyitforme,andmymotherwouldn’tlether.Itoldthemnevermind,Ididn’twantit,eventhoughIdid.Iknewmymotherwasright,I’dneverwearit.
WhenwegotbackfromCousinsattheendofsummer,Ifoundthedressinmysuitcase,wrappedinpaperandpackedneatlyontoplikeithadalwaysbeenthere.Susannahhadgonebackandboughtitforme.Itwassolikehertodothat.Later,mymothermusthaveseenithangingupinmycloset,butsheneversaidanything.
Standingthereinthefoyer,listening,IfeltlikethespyStevenwasalwaysaccusingmeofbeing.ButIcouldn’thelpit.
IheardSusannahsay,“Laurel,I’mabiggirlnow.Ineedyoutostoptryingtomanagemylife.I’mtheonewhogetstodecidehowIwanttoliveit.”
Ididn’twaitformymother’sresponse.Iwalkedrightinandsaid,“What’sgoingon?”IlookedatmymotherwhenIsaidit,andIknewIsoundedlikeIwasblamingher,butIdidn’tcare.
“Nothing.Everything’sfine,”mymothersaid,buthereyeslookedredandtired.
“Thenwhywereyoufighting?”
“Weweren’tfighting,hon,”Susannahassuredme.Shereachedoutandsmoothedmyshoulder,likeshewasironingoutwrinkledsilk.“Everythingreallyisfine.”
“Itdidn’tsoundlikeit.”
“Well,itis,”Susannahtoldme.
“Promise?”Iasked.Iwantedtobelieveher.
“Promise,”shesaidwithouthesitation.
Mymotherwalkedawayfromus,andIcouldseefromthestiffnessofhershouldersthateverythingwasnotfine,thatshewasstillupset.ButbecauseIwantedtostaywithSusannah,whereeverythingreallywasfine,Ididn’tfollowher.Mymotherwasthekindofpersonwhowouldratherbealoneanyway.Justaskmyfather.
“What’sthematterwithher?”IwhisperedtoSusannah.
“It’snothing.TellmeaboutyourdatewithCam,”shesaid,leadingmetothewickercouchinthesunroom.
Ishouldhavekeptpressingher,shouldhavetriedtofigureoutwhathadreallyhappenedbetweenthetwoofthem,butmyworrywasalreadyfadingaway.IwantedtotellhereverythingaboutCam,everything.Susannahhadthatwayabouther,whereyouwantedtotellherallyoursecretsandeverythinginbetween.
Shesatonthecouchandpattedherlap.Isatdownnexttoherandputmyheadinherlapandshesmoothedmyhairawayfrommyforehead.Everythingfeltsafeandcozy,likethatfighthadn’thappened.Andmaybeithadn’tevenbeenafight,maybeI’dmisreadthewholething.“Well,he’sdifferentfromanyoneI’veevermet,”Ibegan.
“Howso?”
“He’sjustsosmart,andhedoesn’tcarewhatpeoplethink.Andhe’ssogood-looking.Ican’tevenbelievehepaysmeanyattention.”
Susannahshookherhead.“Oh,please.Ofcourseheshouldpayyouattention.You’resolovely,darling.You’vereallyblossomedthissummer.Peoplecan’thelpbutpayyouattention.”
“Ha,”Isaid,butIfeltflattered.Shewassogoodatmakingpeoplefeelspecial.“I’mgladIhaveyoutotalktoaboutthiskindofstuff.”
“Iamtoo.Butyouknow,youcouldtalktoyourmother.”
“Shewouldn’tbeinterestedinanyofit,notreally.She’dpretendtocare,butshewouldn’t.”
“Oh,Belly.That’snottrue.Shewouldcare.Shedoescare.”Susannahcradledmyfaceinherhands.“Yourmotherisyourbiggestfan,nexttome.Shecaresabouteverythingyoudo.Don’tshutherout.”
Ididn’twanttotalkaboutmymotheranymore.IwantedtotalkaboutCam.“You’llneverbelievewhatCamsaidtometonight,”Ibegan.
chaptertwenty-six
Justlikethat,JulyturnedintoAugust.Iguessedsummerwentbyalotfasterwhenyouhadsomeonetospenditwith.Forme,thatsomeonewasCam.CamCameron.
Mr.FisheralwayscamethefirstweekofAugust.He’dbringSusannah’sfavoritesfromthecity,almondcroissantsandlavenderchocolates.Andflowers,healwaysbroughtflowers.Susannahlovedflowers.Shesaidsheneededthemlikeair,tobreathe.ShehadmorevasesthanIcouldcount,tallonesandfatonesandglassones.Theywerealloverthehouse,flowersinvasesineveryroom.Herfavoriteswerepeonies.Shekeptthemonhernightstandinherbedroom,sotheywerethefirstthingshesawinthemorning.
Shells,too.Shelovedshells.Shekepttheminhurricaneglasses.Whenshe’dcomebackfromawalkonthebeach,she’dalwayscomebackwithahandfulofshells.She’darrangethemonthekitchentable,admirethemfirst,saythingslike,“Doesn’tthisonelookjustlikeanear?”Or,“Isn’tthisonetheperfectshadeofpink?”Thenshe’dputtheminorderfrombiggesttosmallest.Itwasoneofherrituals,somethingIlovedtowatchherdo.
Thatweek,rightaroundwhenMr.Fisherusuallycame,Susannahmentionedthathecouldn’tgetawayfromwork.Therehadbeensomesortofemergencyatthebank.Itwouldjustbethefiveofusfinishingoutthesummer.ItwouldbethefirstyearwithoutMr.Fisherandmybrother.
Aftershewenttobed,early,Conradsaidtome,conversationally,“They’regettingadivorce.”
“Who?”Isaid.
“Myparents.It’sabouttime.”
Jeremiahglaredathim.“Shutup,Conrad.”
Conradshrugged.“Why?Youknowit’strue.Belly’snotsurprised,areyou,Belly?”
Iwas.Iwasreallysurprised.Isaid,tobothofthem,“Ithoughttheyseemedliketheywerereallyinlove.”
Whateverlovewas,Iwassuretheyhadit.Ithoughttheyhaditamilliontimesover.Thewaytheygazedateachotheratthedinnertable,howexcitedSusannahgotwhenhecametothesummerhouse.Ididn’tthinkpeoplelikethatgotdivorced.Peoplelikemyparentsgotdivorced.NotSusannahandMr.Fisher.
“Theywereinlove,”Jeremiahtoldme.“Idon’treallyknowwhathappened.”
“Dad’sadick.That’swhathappened,”Conradsaid,gettingup.Hesoundedsoblaséandmatter-of-fact,butthatdidn’tseemright.NotwhenIknewheadoredhisdad.IwonderedifMr.Fisherhadanewgirlfriendthewaymyfatherdid.Iwonderedifhe’dcheatedonSusannah.ButwhowouldevercheatonSusannah?Itwasimpossible.
“Don’ttellyourmomyouknow,”Jeremiahsaidsuddenly.“Momdoesn’tknowweknow.”
“Iwon’t,”Isaid.Iwonderedhowthey’dfoundout.MyparentshadsatStevenandmedownandtolduseverything,explaineditallindetail.
AsConradleft,Jeremiahsaidtome,“Beforeweleft,ourdadhadbeensleepingintheguestroomforweeks.He’salreadymovedoutmostofhisclothes.Didtheyseriouslythinkwewouldn’tnotice?”Hisvoicecrackedatthelastpart.
Igrabbedhishandandsqueezedit.Hewasreallyhurting.IguessedmaybeConradwastoo,evenifhedidn’tshowit.Itallmadesense,whenIthoughtaboutit.ThewayConradhadbeenacting,sodifferent,solost.Soun-Conrad-like.Hewassuffering.AndthentherewasSusannah.Thewayshe’dbeenspendingsomuchtimeinbed,thewaysheseemedsosad.Shewashurtingtoo.
chaptertwenty-seven
“YouandCamhavebeenspendingalotoftimetogether,”mymothersaid,lookingatmeoverhernewspaper.
“Notreally,”Isaid,eventhoughwehadbeen.Atthesummerhouseonedayjustkindofmeltedintothenext;youdidn’tnoticetimepassing.CamandIhadbeenhangingoutfortwoweeksbeforeIrealizedit:Hewaskindofmyboyfriend.We’dspentpracticallyeverydaytogether.Ididn’tknowwhatI’ddonebeforeI’dmethim.Mylifemusthavebeenreallyboring.
Mymothersaid,“Wemissyouaroundthehouse.”IfSusannahhadsaidit,I’dhavebeenflattered,butfrommymotheritwasjustreallyannoying.Itfeltlikerecrimination.Andanyway,itwasn’tlikethey’dbeenaroundsomucheither.Theywerealwaysoffdoingthings,justthetwoofthem.
“Belly,willyoubringthisboyofyourstodinnertomorrownight?”Susannahaskedmesweetly.
Iwantedtosayno,butforme,sayingnotoSusannahwasimpossible.Especiallywithhergoingthroughadivorce.Icouldn’tsayno.SoinsteadIsaid,“Um…maybe…”
“Please,honey?I’dreallyliketomeethim.”
Icaved.“Allright,I’llask.Ican’tpromisehedoesn’thaveplans,though.”
Susannahnoddedserenely.“Aslongasyouask.”
Unfortunatelyforme,Camdidn’thaveplans.
Susannahcooked;shemadeatofustir-frybecauseCamwasavegetarian.Again,itwassomethingI’dadmiredabouthim,butwhenIsawthelookJeremiahgaveme,itmademeshrinkalittle.Jeremiahcookedhamburgersthatnight—helikedanyexcusetousethegrill,justlikehisdad.HeaskedmeifIwantedonetoo,andIsaidnoeventhoughIdid.
Conradhadalreadyeatenandwasupstairsplayinghisguitar.Hecouldn’tevenbebotheredtoeatwithus.Hecamedowntogetabottledwater,andhedidn’tevensayhellotoCam.
“Sowhydon’tyoueatmeat,Cam?”Jeremiahasked,stuffinghalfhisburgerintohismouth.
Camswallowedhiswaterandsaid,“I’mmorallyopposedtoeatinganimals.”
Jeremiahnoddedseriously.“ButBellyeatsmeat.Youletherkissyouwiththoselips?”Thenhecrackedup.Susannahandmymotherexchangedaknowingkindofsmile.
Icouldfeelmyfacegettinghot,andIcouldfeelhowtenseCamwasbesideme.“Shutup,Jeremiah.”
Camglancedatmymotherandlaugheduneasily.“Idon’tjudgepeoplewhochoosetoeatmeat.It’sapersonalchoice.”
Jeremiahcontinued,“Soyoudon’tmindwhenherlipstouchdeadanimalandthentheytouchyour,um,lips?”
Susannahchuckledlightlyandsaid,“Jere,givetheguyabreak.”
“Yeah,Jere,givetheguyabreak,”Isaid,glaringathim.Ikickedhimunderthetable,hard.Hardenoughtomakehimflinch.
“No,it’sfine,”Camsaid.“Idon’tmindatall.Infact—”Thenhepulledmetohimandkissedmequickly,rightinfrontofeveryone.Itwasonlyapeck,butitwasembarrassing.
“Pleasedon’tkissBellyatthedinnertable,”saidJeremiah,gaggingalittleforeffect.“You’remakingmenauseous.”
Mymothershookherheadathimandsaid,“Belly’sallowedtokiss.”ThenshepointedherforkatCam.“Butthat’sit.”
Sheburstoutlaughinglikeitwasthefunniestthingshe’deversaid,andSusannahtriednottosmileandtoldhertohush.Iwantedtokillmymotherandthenmyself.“Mom,please.You’resonotfunny,”Isaid.“NomorewineforMom.”IrefusedtolookanywherenearJeremiah’sdirection,orCam’s,forthatmatter.
Thetruthwas,CamandIhadn’tdonemuchelsebesideskiss.Hedidn’tseemtobeinanybighurry.Hewascarefulwithme,sweet—nervouseven.ItwascompletelydifferentfromthewayI’dseenotherguysbehavewithgirls.LastsummerIcaughtJeremiahwithagirlonthebeach,rightoutsideofthehouse.Theywerefrantic,likeiftheyhadn’tbeenwearingclothes,they’dalreadyhavebeenhavingsex.Igavehimhellforitthewholerestofthesummer,buthedidn’treallycare.IwishedCamwouldcarealittlemore.
“Belly,I’mkidding.YouknowI’mopentoyouexploringyourself,”mymothersaid,takingalongsipofchardonnay.
Jeremiahbustedoutlaughing.Istoodupandsaid,“That’sit.CamandIareeatingourdinnerontheporch.”IgrabbedmyplateandwaitedforCamtostanduptoo.
Buthedidn’t.“Belly,calmdown.Everybody’sjustjokingaround,”hesaid,loadinguphisforkwithriceandbokchoyandshovelingitintohismouth.
“Waytokeepherincheck,Cam,”Jeremiahsaid,noddingathim.Hereallydidlookkindofimpressed.
Isatbackdown,althoughitkilledmetodoit.Ihatedlosingfaceinfrontofeveryone,butifIdidwalkoutbymyself,Iknewnoonewouldcomeafterme.IwouldjustbelittleBellyButton,offpoutingagain.ThatwasmynamewhenIwasbeingababy,BellyButton—Steventhoughthewassuchageniusforthinkingthatoneup.“Noonekeepsmeincheck,Jeremiah.LeastofallCamCameron.”
Everyonehootedandholleredthen,evenCam,andallofasudden,itwasallverynormal,likehereallybelongedthere.Icouldfeelmyselfstarttorelax.Itwasallgoingtobeokay.Great,infact.Amazing,justlikeSusannahhadpromised.
Afterdinner,CamandItookawalkonthebeach.Formetherewas—is—nothingbetterthanwalkingonthebeachlateatnight.Itfeelslikeyoucouldwalkforever,likethewholenightisyoursandsoistheocean.Whenyouwalkonthebeachatnight,youcansaythingsyoucan’tsayinreallife.Inthedarkyoucanfeelreallyclosetoaperson.Youcansaywhateveryouwant.
“I’mreallygladyoucame,”Itoldhim.
Hetookmyhandandsaid,“Metoo.I’mgladyou’reglad.”
“OfcourseI’mglad.”
Iletgoofhishandtorollupthebottomsofmyjeans,andhesaid,quietly,“Itdidn’tseemlikeyouwerethatglad.”
“Well,Iam.”Ilookedupathimandgavehimaquickkiss.“See?Thisisme,beingglad.”
Hesmiledandwestartedwalkingagain.“Good.Sowhichoneofthoseguyswasyourfirstkiss?”
“Itoldyouthat?”
“Yup.Yousaidyourfirstkisswasaboyatthebeachwhenyouwerethirteen.”
“Oh.”Ilookedupathisfaceinthemoonlight,andhewasstillsmiling.“Guess.”
Immediatelyhesaid,“Theolderone,Conrad.”
“Why’dyouguesshim?”
Heshrugged.“Justafeeling,thewayhelooksatyou.”
“Hehardlylooksatmeatall,”Itoldhim.“Andyou’rewrong,Sextus.ItwasJeremiah.”
chaptertwenty-eight
AGE14
“Truthordare?”TayloraskedConrad.
“I’mnotplaying,”hesaid.
Taylorpouted.“Don’tbesogay,”shesaid.
Jeremiahsaid,“Youshouldn’tusetheword‘gay’likethat.”
Tayloropenedhermouthandclosedit.Thenshesaid,“Ididn’tmeananythingbyit,Jeremy.Ijustmeanthe’sbeinglame.”
“Well,‘gay’doesn’tmean‘lame,’Taylor,nowdoesit?”Jeremiahsaid.Hespokeinasarcastictone,butevenmeanattentionwasbetterthannoattention.Probablyhewasjustmadaboutalltheattentionshe’dbeengivingConradthatday.
TaylorheavedagreatbigsighandturnedtoConrad.“Conrad,you’rebeingverylame.Playtruthordarewithus.”
HeignoredherandturnedthevolumeontheTVuplouder.Thenhepretendedtomuteherwiththeremote,whichmademelaughoutloud.
“Fine,he’sout.Steven,truthordare.”
Stevenrolledhiseyes.“Truth.”
Taylor’seyeslitup.“Okay.HowfardidyougowithClaireCho?”Iknewshe’dbeensavingthatoneupforalongtime,waitingfortheexactmomentshecouldask.ClaireChowasagirlthatStevenhaddatedformostoffreshmanyear.TaylorsworeClairehadcankles,butIthoughtClaire’sankleswereperfectlyslim.IthoughtClaireChowaskindofperfect.
Stevenactuallyblushed.“I’mnotansweringthat.”
“Youhaveto.It’struthordare.Youcan’tsithereandlistentootherpeopletellsecretsifyou’renotgoingto,”Isaid.IhadbeenwonderingabouthimandClairetoo.
“Nobody’seventoldanysecretsyet!”heprotested.
“We’reaboutto,Steven,”Taylorsaid.“Nowmanupandtellus.”
“Yeah,Steven,manup,”Jeremiahchimedin.
Weallstartedtochant,“Manup!Manup!”EvenConradturnedtheTVonmutetoheartheanswer.
“Fine,”Stevensaid.“Ifyoushutup,I’lltellyou.”
Weshutrightupandwaited.“Well?”Isaid.
“Third,”hesaidatlast.
Irelaxedbackintothecouch.Thirdbase.Wow.Interesting.Mybrotherhadbeentothirdbase.Weird.Gross.
Taylorlookedpinkwithsatisfaction.“Welldone,Stevie.”
Heshookhisheadatherandsaid,“Nowit’smyturn.”Helookedaroundtheroom,andIsankdeepintothecouchcushions.Ireally,reallyhopedhewasn’tgoingtopickmeandmakemesayitoutloud—howIhadn’tevensomuchaskissedaboyyet.KnowingSteven,hewould.
Hesurprisedmewhenhesaid,“Taylor.Truthordare?”Hewasactuallyplayingalong.
Automaticallyshesaid,“Youcan’tpickmebecauseIjustaskedyou.Youhavetopicksomeoneelse.”Whichwastrue,thatwastherule.
“Areyouscared,Tay-Tay?Whydon’tyoumanup?”
Taylorhesitated.“Fine.Truth.”
Stevengrinnedevilly.“Whowouldyoukissinthisroom?”
Taylorconsidereditforafewseconds,andthenshegotthatcat-that-ate-the-canarylookonherface.Itwasthesamelookshe’dhadonherfacewhenshe’ddyedherlittlesister’shairbluewhenwewereeight.Shewaiteduntilshehadeveryone’sattention,andthenshesaid,triumphantly,“Belly.”
Therewasastunnedkindofsilenceforaminute,andtheneveryonestartedtolaugh,Conradloudest.IthrewapillowatTaylor,hard.
“That’snotfair.Youdidn’tanswerforreal,”Jeremiahsaid,shakinghisfingerather.
“Yes,Idid,”Taylorsaidsmugly.“IpickBelly.Takeacloserlookateverybody’sfavoritelittlesister,Jeremy.She’sturninghotbeforeyourveryeyes.”
Ihidmyfacebehindapillow.IknewIwasblushingevenharderthanStevenhad.Mostlybecauseitwasn’ttrue,Iwasn’tturninghotbeforeanyone’seyes,andweallknewit.“Taylor,shutup.Pleaseshutup.”
“Yes,pleaseshutup,Tay-Tay,”Stevensaid.Helookedkindofredtoo.
“Ifyou’resoserious,thenkissher,”saidConrad,hiseyesstillontheTV.
“Hey,”Isaid,glaringathim.“I’maperson.Youcan’tjustkissmewithoutmypermission.”
Helookedatmeandsaid,“I’mnottheonewhowantstokissyou.”
Hotly,Isaid,“Eitherway,permissionnotgranted.Toeitherofyou.”IwishedIcouldstickmytongueoutathimwithoutbeingaccusedofbeingabigbaby
Taylorbrokeinquickly.Shesaid,“Ipickedtruth,notdare.That’swhywe’renotkissingrightnow.”
“We’renotkissingrightnowbecauseIdon’twanttokissyou,”Itoldher.Ifeltflushed,partlybecauseIwasmad,andpartlybecauseIwasflattered.“Nowlet’sstoptalkingaboutit.It’syourturntoask.”
“Fine.Jeremiah.Truthordare.”
“Dare,”hesaid,leaningagainstthecouchlazily.
“Okay.Kisssomebodyinthisroom,rightnow.”Taylorlookedathimconfidentlyandwaited.
ItfeltlikethewholeroomwassittingontheedgeofitsseatwhilewewaitedforJeremiahtosaysomething.Wouldheactuallydoit?Hewasnotthekindofguytopassupadare.I,forone,wascuriousaboutwhatkindofkisserhe’dbe,ifhe’dgoforaFrenchorifhe’dgiveheraquickpeck.Ialsowonderedifitwouldbetheirfirstkiss,orifthey’dkissedsometimeearlierintheweek,likeatthearcadewhenIwasn’tlooking,maybe.Iwasprettysuretheyhad
Jeremiahsatupstraight.“Easy,”hesaid,rubbinghishandstogetherwithasmile.Taylorsmiledbackandtiltedherheadtothesidesoherhairfellinhereyesjustalittlebit.
Thenheleanedovertomeandsaid,“Ready?”andbeforeIcouldanswer,hekissedmerightonthelips.Hismouthwasalittlebitopen,butitwasn’taFrenchkissoranything.Itriedtopushhimoff,buthekeptonkissingme,forafewmoreseconds.
Ipushedhimoffagain,andheleanedbackintothecouch,ascasualascanbe.Everyoneelsewassittingtherewiththeirmouthshangingopen,exceptforConrad,whodidn’tevenlooksurprised.Butthen,heneverlookedsurprised.I,ontheotherhand,wasfindingitkindofhardtobreathe.Ihadjusthadmyfirstkiss.Infrontofpeople.Infrontofmybrother.
Icouldn’tbelievethatJeremiahhadstolenmyfirstkisslikethat.Ihadbeenwaiting,wantingittobespecial,andithadhappenedduringagameoftruthordare.Howunspecialcouldyouget?Andtotopitalloff,hehadonlydoneittomakeTaylorjealous,notbecausehelikedme.
Ithadworked.Hereyeswerenarrowed,andshewasstaringatJeremiahlikehehadthrowndownsomekindofgauntlet.Which,Iguesshekindofhad.
“Gross,”Stevensaid.“Thisgameisgross.I’mouttahere.”Thenhelookedatallofusdisgustedlyandleft.
Igotuptoo,andsodidConrad.“Seeya,”Isaid.“And,Jeremiah,I’mgettingyoubackforthat.”
Hewinkedandsaid,“Abackrubshouldmakeusabouteven,”andIthrewapillowdirectlyathisheadandslammedthedoorbehindme.Thefactthathewasbeingfake-flirtywastheworstpart.Itwassopatronizing,sodemeaning.
IttookmeaboutthreesecondsbeforeIrealizedthatTaylorwasn’tcomingafterme.Shewasinside,laughingatJeremiah’sdumbjokes.
Inthehallway,Conradgavemehistrademarkknowinglookandsaid,“Youknowyoulovedit.”
Iglaredathim.“Howwouldyouknow?You’retooobsessedwithyourselftonoticeanybodyelse.”
Hewalkedawayfrommeandsaidoverhisshoulder,“Oh,Inoticeeverything,Belly.Evenpoorlittleyou.”
“Screwyou!”Isaid,becausethatwasallIcouldthinkof.Icouldhearhimchucklingasheshuthisbedroomdoor.
Iwentbacktomyroomandgotunderthecovers.Iclosedmyeyesandreplayedandreplayedwhathadjusthappened.Jeremiah’slipshadtouchedmylips.Mylipswerenolongermyown.Theyhadbeentouched.ByJeremiah.Ihadfinallybeenkissed,anditwasmyfriendJeremiahwho’dbeentheonetodoit.MyfriendJeremiahwhohadbeenignoringmethatwholeweek.
IwishedIcouldtalktoTaylor.Iwishedwecouldtalkaboutmyfirstkiss,butwecouldn’t,becauserightthisminuteshewasdownstairskissingthesameboywhohadjustkissedme.Iwassureofit.
Whenshecamebackupstairsanhourlater,IpretendedIwassleeping.
“Belly?”shewhisperedacrosstheroom.
Ididn’tsayanything,butIstirredalittle,foreffect.
“Iknowyou’restillawake,Belly,”shesaid.“AndIforgiveyou.”
Iwantedtositrightupandsay,“Youforgiveme?Well,Idon’tforgiveyou,forcominghereandruiningmywholesummer.”ButIdidn’tsayanyofit.Ijustkeptfake-sleeping.
ThenextmorningIwokeupearly,justafterseven,andTaylorwasalreadygone.Iknewwhereshewas.She’dgonetowatchthesunrisewithJeremiah.We’dbeenplanningtogowatchthesunriseonthebeachonemorningbeforesheleft,butwealwaysoverslept.Itwashersecondtolastmorning,andshe’dchosenJeremiah.Figured.
Ichangedintomybathingsuitandheadedforthepool.Inthemorningsitwasalwaysalittlecoldoutside,justalittlebitofbitetotheair,butIdidn’tmind.SwimminginthemorningsmademefeellikeIwasswimmingintheoceanevenwhenIwasn’t.Intheoryswimmingintheoceansoundsgreatandall,butthesaltwaterburnedmyeyestoomuchtodoiteveryday.Plus,thepoolwasmoreprivate,moremyown.Eventhougheveryoneelseswaminittoo,inthemorningsandatnightIhaditprettymuchtomyself,besidesSusannah.
WhenIopenedthegatetothepool,Isawmymothersittinginoneoftheloungechairsreadingabook.Exceptshewasn’treallyreadingit.Shewasmorejustholdingitandstaringoffintospace.
“Hi,Mom,”Isaid,moretobreakheroutofherspellthananythingelse.
Shelookedup,startled.“Goodmorning,”shesaid,clearingherthroat.“Didyousleepwell?”
Ishruggedanddroppedmytowelontothechairnexttohers.“Iguess,”Isaid.
Mymothershadedhereyeswithherhandandlookedupatme.“AreyouandTaylorhavingfun?”
“Tons,”Isaid.“Bucketsfull.”
“WhereisTaylor?”
“Whoknows?”Isaid.“Whocares?”
“Areyoutwofighting?”mymotheraskedcasually.
“No.I’mjuststartingtowishIhadn’tbrungher,isall.”
“Bestfriendsareimportant.They’retheclosestthingtoasisteryou’lleverhave,”shetoldme.“Don’tsquanderit.”
IrritablyIsaid,“Ihaven’tsquanderedanything.Whydoyoualwayshavetoputtheblameonmeforeverything?”
“I’mnotblamingyou.Whymustyoualwaysmakethingsaboutyou,dear?”Mymothersmiledatmeinherinfuriatinglycalmway.
Irolledmyeyesandjumpedbackwardintothepool.Itwasfreezingcold.WhenIcameuptothesurface,Iyelled,“Idon’t!”
ThenIstartedmylaps,andwheneverIthoughtaboutTaylorandJeremiah,Igotmadderandpushedharder.BythetimeIwasdone,myshouldersburned.
Mymotherhadleft,butTaylorandJeremiahandStevenwerejustcomingin.
“Belly,ifyouswimtoomuch,you’llgetthosebroadswimmer’sshoulders,”Taylorwarned,dippingherfootinthewater.
Iignoredher.WhatdidTaylorknowaboutexercise?Shethoughtwalkingaroundthemallinhighheelswasexercise.“Wherewereyouguys?”Iasked,floatingonmyback.
“Justhangingout,”Jeremiahsaidvaguely.
Judas,Ithought.AbunchofBenedictArnolds.“Where’sConrad?”
“Whoknows?He’stoocooltohangout,”Jeremiahsaid,fallingontoaloungechair.
“Hewentrunning,”Stevensaid,ataddefensively.“Hehastogetinshapeforfootballseason.Hehastoleaveforpracticenextweek,remember?”
Iremembered.ThatyearConradhadtoleaveearlysohecouldgetbackintimefortryouts.He’dneverseemedlikethefootballtypetome,buttherehewas,tryingoutfortheteam.IguessedMr.Fisherhadalottodowithit;hewasexactlythetype.SowasJeremiah.Althoughhe’dnevertakeitseriously.Henevertookanythingseriously.
“I’llprobablyplayfortheteamnextyeartoo,”Jeremiahsaidcasually.HesneakedapeekatTaylortoseeifshelookedimpressed.Shedidn’t.Shewasn’tevenlookingathim.
Hisshoulderssaggedalittle,andIfeltsorryforhimdespitemyself.
Isaid,“Jere,raceme,okay?”
Heshruggedandstoodup,takingoffhisshirt.Thenhewalkedovertothedeependanddovein.“Youwantahandicap?”heaskedwhenheemergeduptop.
“No.IthinkIcanbeatyouwithoutone,”Isaid,paddlingover.“Whoo-hoo!Let’ssee.”
Weracedacrossthelengthofthepool,freestyle,andhebeatmethefirsttime,andthenthesecond.ButIworehimdownbythethirdandfourthandbeathimtoo.Taylorcheeredmeon,whichonlyannoyedmemore.
Thenextmorningshewasgoneagain.Thistime,though,Iwasgonnajointhem.Itwasn’tlikesheandJeremiahownedthebeach.Ihadjustasmuchrightastheydidtowatchthesunrise.Igotup,putmyclotheson,andheadedoutside.
Ididn’tseethematfirst.Theywerefartherdownthanusual,andtheyhadtheirbackstome.Hehadhisarmsaroundher,andtheywerekissing.Theyweren’tevenwatchingthesunrise.And…itwasn’tJeremiah,either.ItwasSteven.Mybrother.
Itwasjustlikeinthosemovieswiththesurpriseending,whereeverythingfallsintoplaceandclicks.SuddenlymylifehadbecomeTheUsualSuspects,andTaylor,TaylorwasKeyserSoze.Thescenesranthroughthemind—TaylorandStevenbickering,thewayhehadcometotheboardwalkthatnight,TaylorclaimingthatClaireChohadcankles,alltheafternoonsshe’dspentatmyhouse.
Theydidn’thearmewalkup.ButthenIsaid,loudly,“Wow,sofirstConrad,thenJeremiah,andnowmybrother.”
Sheturnedaround,surprised,andStevenlookedsurprisedtoo.“Belly—,”shestarted.
“Shutup.”Ilookedatmybrotherthen,andhesquirmed.“You’reahypocrite.Youdon’tevenlikeher!YousaidshebleachedoutallherbraincellswithherSun-In!”
Heclearedhisthroat.“Ineversaidthat,”hesaid,glancingbackandforthbetweenTaylorandme.Hereyeshadwelledup,andshewaswipingherlefteyewiththebackofhersweatshirtsleeve.Steven’ssweatshirtsleeve.Iwastooangrytocry.
“I’mtellingJeremiah.”
“Belly,justfreakin’calmdown.You’retoooldforyourtempertantrums,”Stevensaid,shakinghisheadinhisbrotherlyway.
Thewordscameoutofme,hotandfastandsure.“Gotohell.”Ihadnevertalkedlikethattomybrotherbefore.Idon’tthinkI’devertalkedlikethattoanyonebefore.Stevenblinked.
That’swhenIstartedtowalkaway,andTaylorchasedafterme.Shehadtoruntocatchup,that’showfastIwaswalking.Iguessangergivesyouspeed.
“Belly,I’msosorry,”shebegan.“Iwasgoingtotellyou.Thingsjusthappenedreallyfast.”
Istoppedwalkingandspunaround.“When?Whendidtheyhappen?BecausefromwhatIsaw,thingswerehappeningsofastwithJeremy,notwithmyolderbrother.”
Sheshruggedhelplessly,whichonlymadememadder.PoorhelplesslittleTaylor.“I’vealwayshadacrushonSteven.Youknowthat,Belly.”
“Actually,Ididn’t.Thanksfortellingme.”
“Whenhelikedmeback,itwaslike,Icouldn’tbelieveit.Ididn’tthink.”
“That’sthething.Hedoesn’tlikeyou.He’sjustusingyoubecauseyou’rearound,”Isaid.Iknewitwascruel,butIalsoknewitwastrue.ThenIwalkedintothehouseandleftherstandingoutside.
Shechasedaftermeandgrabbedmyarm,butIshruggedheroff.
“Pleasedon’tbemad,Belly.Iwantthingstostaythesamewithusforever,”Taylorsaid,browneyesbrimmingwithtears.Whatshereallymeantwas,IwantyoutostaythesameforeverwhileIgrowbiggerbreastsandquitviolinandkissyourbrother.
“Thingscan’tstaythesameforever,”Isaid.IwassayingittohurtherbecauseIknewitwould.
“Don’tbemadatme,okay,Belly?”shepleaded.Taylorhateditwhenpeopleweremadather.
“I’mnotmadatyou,”Isaid.“Ijustdon’tthinkwereallyknoweachotheranymore.”
“Don’tsaythat,Belly.”
“I’monlysayingitbecauseit’strue.”
Shesaid,“I’msorry,okay?”
Ilookedawayforasecond.“Youpromisedyou’dbenicetohim.”
“Who?Steven?”Taylorlookedgenuinelyconfused.
“No.Jeremiah.Yousaidyou’dbenice.”
Shewavedherhandintheair.“Oh,hedoesn’tcare.”
“Yeah,hedoes.It’sjustthatyoudon’tknowhim.”LikeIdo,Iwantedtoadd.“Ididn’tthinkyou’deveractso—so…”Isearchedfortheperfectword,tocutherthewayshe’dcutme.“Slutty.”
“I’mnotaslut,”shesaidinatinyvoice.
Sothiswasmypoweroverher,mysupposedinnocenceoverhersupposedsluttiness.ItwasallsuchBS.Iwould’vetradedmyspotforhersinasecond.
Later,JeremiahaskedmeifIwantedtoplayspit.Wehadn’tplayedonceallsummer.Itusedtobeourthing,ourtradition.Iwasgratefultohaveitback.Evenifitwasaconsolationprize.
Hedealtmemyhand,andwebegantoplay,butbothofuswerejustgoingthroughthemotions.Wehadotherthingsonourminds.Ithoughtthatwehadthisunspokenagreementnottotalkabouther,thatmaybehedidn’tevenknowwhathadhappened,butthenhesaid,“Iwishyouneverbroughther.”
“Metoo.”
“It’sbetterwhenit’sjustus,”hesaid,shufflinghisstack.
“Yeah,”Iagreed.
Aftersheleft,afterthatsummer,thingswerethesameandtheyweren’t.SheandIwerestillfriends,butnotbestfriends,notlikeweusedtobe.Butwewerestillfriends.She’dknownmemywholelife.It’shardtothrowawayhistory.Itwaslikeyouwerethrowingawayapartofyourself.
StevenwentrightbacktoignoringTaylorandobsessingoverClaireCho.Wejustpretendedlikenoneofithadeverhappened.Butitdid.
chaptertwenty-nine
Iheardhimcomehome.Ithinkthewholehousemusthave—exceptforJeremiah,whocouldsleepthroughatidalwave.Conradmadehiswayupthestairs,trippingandcursing,andthenheshuthisdoorandturnedonhisstereo,loud.Itwasthreeinthemorning.
IlayinbedforaboutthreesecondsbeforeIleaptupandrandownthehallwaytohisroom.Iknocked,twice,butthemusicwassoloudIdoubtedhecouldhearanything.Iopenedthedoor.Hewassittingontheedgeofhisbed,takinghisshoesoff.Helookedupandsawmestandingthere.“Didn’tyourmomteachyoutoknock?”heasked,gettingupandturningdownthestereo.
“Idid,butyourmusicwassoloudyoucouldn’thearme.Youprobablywokeupthewholehouse,Conrad.”Isteppedinsideandclosedthedoorbehindme.Ihadn’tbeeninhisroominalongtime.ItwasthesameasIremembered,perfectlyneat.Jeremiah’slookedlikehurricaneseason,butnotConrad’s.InConrad’sroomtherewasaplaceforeverything,andeverythingwasinitsplace.Hispencildrawings,stilltackedontothebulletinboard,hismodelcarsstilllineduponthedresser.Itwascomfortingtoseethatatleastthatwasstillthesame.
Hishairwasmessedup,likesomeonehadbeenrunningtheirhandsthroughit.ProbablyRedSoxgirl.“Areyougoingtotellonme,Belly?Areyoustillatattletale?”
Iignoredhimandwalkedovertohisdesk.Hangingrightaboveittherewasaframedpictureofhiminhisfootballuniform,thefootballtuckedunderhisarm.“Why’dyouquit,anyway?”
“Itwasn’tfunanymore.”
“Ithoughtyoulovedit.”
“No,itwasmydadwholovedit,”hesaid.
“Itseemedlikeyoudidtoo.”Inthepicturehelookedtough,butIcouldtellhewastryingnottosmile.
“Why’dyouquitdance?”
Iturnedaroundandlookedathim.Hewasunbuttoninghisworkshirt,awhitebutton-down,andhehadonaT-shirtunderneath.
“Yourememberthat?”
“Youusedtodanceallaroundthehouselikealittlegnome.”
Inarrowedmyeyesathim.“Gnomesdon’tdance.Iwasaballerina,foryourinformation.”
Hesmirked.“Sowhy’dyouquit,then?”
Ithadbeenaroundthetimemyparentsgotdivorced.Mymomcouldn’tpickmeupanddropmeofftwiceaweekallonherown.Shehadajob.Itjustdidn’tseemworthitanymore.Iwasboredofitbythenanyway,andTaylorwasn’tdoingitanymoreeither.Also,IhatedthewayIlookedinmyleotard.Igotboobsbeforethewholerestoftheclass,andinourclasspictureIlookedlikeIcouldbetheteacher.Itwasembarrassing.
Ididn’tanswerhisquestion.InsteadIsaid,“Iwasreallygood!Icouldhavebeendancinginacompanybynow!”Icouldn’thave.Iwasn’tthatgood,notbyanystretchoftheimagination.
“Right,”hesaidmockingly.Helookedsosmugsittingthereonthebed.
“AtleastIcandance.”
“Hey,Icandance,”heprotested.
Icrossedmyarms.“Proveit.”
“Idon’thavetoproveit.Itaughtyousomemoves,remember?Howquicklyweforget.”Conradjumpedupoffthebedandgrabbedmyhandandtwirledmearound.“See?We’redancing.”
Hisarmwasslungaroundmywaist,andhelaughedbeforeheletmego.“I’mabetterdancerthanyou,Belly,”hesaid,collapsingontohisbed.
Istaredathim.Ididn’tgethimatall.Oneminutehewasbroodyandwithdrawn,andthenexthewaslaughingandtwirlingmearoundtheroom.“Idon’tconsiderthatdancing,”Isaid.Ibackedoutoftheroom.“Andcanyoukeepyourmusicdown?Youalreadywokeupthewholehouse.”
Hesmiled.Conradhadawayoflookingatme,atyou,atanybody,thatmadeeverythingunravelandwanttofallathisfeet.Hesaid,“Sure.Goodnight,Bells.”Bells,mynicknamefromathousandyearsago.
Hemadeitsohardnottolovehim.Whenhewassweetlikethis,IrememberedwhyIdid.Usedtolovehim,Imean.
Irememberedeverything.
chapterthirty
AGE11
ThesummerhousehadastackofCDsthatwelistenedto,andthatwasprettymuchit.WespentthewholesummerlisteningtothesameCDs.TherewasthePolice,whichSusannahputoninthemorning;therewasBobDylan,whichsheputonintheafternoon;andtherewasBillieHoliday,whichsheputonatdinner.Thenightswereafree-for-all.Itwasthefunniestthing.JeremiahwouldputonhisChronicCD,andmymotherwouldbedoinglaundry,hummingalong.Eventhoughshehatedgangsterrap.AndthenmymothermightputonherArethaFranklinCD,andJeremiahwouldsingallthewords,becauseweallknewthembythattime,we’dhearditsomuch.
MyfavoritemusicwastheMotownandthebeachmusic.IwouldlistentoitonSusannah’soldWalkmanwhenItanned.ThatnightIputtheBoogieBeachShagCDonthebigstereointhelivingroom,andSusannahgrabbedJeremiahandstartedtodance.He’dbeenplayingpokerwithStevenandConradandmymother,whowasvery,verygoodatpoker.
AtfirstJeremiahprotested,butthenhewasdancingtoo.Itwascalledtheshag,anditwasa1960skindofbeachdance.Iwatchedthem,Susannahthrowingherheadbackandlaughing,andJeremiahtwirlingheraround,andIwantedtodancetoo.Myfeetpositivelyitchedtodance.Ididdanceballetandmodern,afterall.IcouldshowoffhowgoodIwas.
“Stevie,dancewithme,”Idemanded,pokinghimwithmybigtoe.Iwaslyingdownonthefloor,onmystomach,lookingupatthem.
“Yeah,right,”hesaid.Notthatheevenknewhow.
“Connie,dancewithBelly,”Susannahurged,herfaceflushedasJeremiahtwirledheragain.
Ididn’tdarelookatConrad.Iwasafraidmyloveforhimandmyneedforhimtosayyeswouldbewrittenonmyfacelikeapoem.
Conradsighed.Hewasstillbigondoingtherightthingthen.Sohegavemehishandandpulledmeup.Igottomyfeetshakily.Hedidn’tletgoofmyhand.“Thisishowyoushag,”hesaid,shufflinghisfeetfromsidetoside.“One-two-three,one-two-three,rockstep.”
Ittookmeafewtriestogetit.Itwasharderthanitlooked,andIwasnervous.“Getonthebeat,”Stevensaidfromthesidelines.
“Don’tlooksouptight,Belly.It’sarelaxedkindofdance,”mymothersaidfromthecouch.
ItriedtoignorethemandlookonlyatConrad.“Howdidyoulearnthis?”Iaskedhim.
“Mymomtaughtbothofus,”Conradsaidsimply.Thenhebroughtmeincloseandpositionedmyarmsaroundhissowesteppedtogether,sidebyside.“Thisiscalledthecuddle.”
Thecuddlewasmyfavoritepart.ItwastheclosestIhadeverbeentohim.“Let’sdoitagain,”Isaid,pretendingtobeconfused.
Heshowedmeagain,puttinghisarmovermine.“See?You’regettingitnow.”
Hespunmearound,andIfeltdizzy.Withpure,absolutejoy.
chapterthirty-one
IspentthewholenextdayintheoceanwithCam.Wepackedapicnic.CammadeavocadoandsproutsandwicheswithSusannah’shomemademayonnaiseandwholewheatbread.Theyweregood,too.Westayedintheoceanforwhatfeltlikehoursatatime.Everytimeawavebegantocrest,oneofuswouldstarttolaugh,andthenwe’dgetovertakenbythewaveandwater.Myeyesburnedfromthesaltyseawater,andmyskinfeltrawfromscrapingagainstthesandsomanytimes,likeI’dscrubbedmywholebodywithmymother’sSt.IvesApricotScrub.Itwasprettygreat.
After,westumbledbacktoourtowels.Ilovedgettingcoldandwetintheoceanandthenrunningbacktothetowelsandlettingthesunbakethesandoff.Icoulddoitallday—ocean,sand,ocean,sand.
I’dpackedstrawberryFruitRoll-Ups,andweatethemsoquickmyteethhurt.“IloveFruitRoll-Ups,”Isaid,reachingforthelastone.
Hesnatcheditaway.“SodoI,andyoualreadyhadthreeandIonlyhadtwo,”hesaid,peelingawaytheplasticsheet.Hegrinnedanddangleditabovemymouth.
“Youhavethreesecondstohanditover,”Iwarned.“Idon’tcareifyouhadtwoFruitRoll-UpsandIhadtwenty.It’smyhouse.”
Camlaughedandpoppedthewholethingintohismouth.Chewingloudly,hesaid,“It’snotyourhouse.It’sSusannah’shouse.”
“Showshowmuchyouknow.It’sallofourhouse,”Isaid,fallingbackonmytowel.Iwassuddenlyreallythirsty.FruitRoll-Upswilldothat.Especiallywhenyouhavethreeinaboutthreeminutes.Squintingupathim,Isaid,“WillyougobacktoourhouseandgetsomeKool-Aid?Prettyplease?”
“Idon’tknowanyonewhoconsumesmoresugarthanyoudoinoneday,”Camsaid,shakinghisheadatmesadly.“Whitesugarisevil.”
“SaystheguywhojustatethelastFruitRoll-Up,”Icountered.
“Wastenot,wantnot,”hesaid.Hestoodupandbrushedthesandoffhisshorts.“I’llbringyouwater,notKool-Aid.”
Istuckmytongueoutathimandrolledover.“Justbequickaboutit,”Isaid.
Hewasn’t.Hewasgoneforty-fiveminutesbeforeIheadedbacktothehouse,loadedupwithourtowelsandsunscreenandtrash,breathinghardandsweatinglikeacamelinthedesert.Hewasinthelivingroom,playingvideogameswiththeboys.Theywerealllyingaroundintheirswimmingtrunks.Weprettymuchstayedsuitedupallsummer.
“ThanksfornevercomingbackwithmyKool-Aid,”Isaid,tossingmybeachbagontotheground.
Camlookedupfromhisgameguiltily.“Whoops!Mybad.Theguysaskedmetoplay,so…”Hetrailedoff.
“Don’tapologize,”Conradadvisedhim.
“Yeah,whatareyou,herslave?Nowshe’sgotyoumakingherKool-Aid?”Jeremiahsaid,jamminghisthumbintothecontroller.Heturnedaroundandgrinnedatmetoshowmehewaskidding,butIdidn’tgrinbacktoshowhimitwasokay
Conraddidn’tsayanything,andIdidn’tevenlookathim.Icouldfeelhimlookingatme,though.Iwishedhe’dstop.
WhywasitthatevenwhenIhadmyownfriendIstillfeltleftoutoftheirclub?Itwasn’tfair.Itwasn’tfairthatCamwassogratefultobeapartofitall.Thedayhadbeensogood,too.
“Where’smymomandSusannah?”Isnapped.
“Theywentoffsomewhere,”Jeremiahsaidvaguely.“Shopping,maybe?”
Mymotherhatedshopping.Susannahmusthavedraggedher.
IstalkedofftothekitchenformyKool-Aid.Conradgotupandfollowedme.Ididn’thavetoturnaroundtoknowitwashim.
Iwentaboutmybusiness,pouringmyselfatallglassofgrapeKool-Aidandpretendinghewasn’tstandingtherewatchingme.“Areyoujustgoingtoignoreme?”hefinallysaid.
“No,”Isaid.“Whatdoyouwant?”
Hesighedandcamecloser.“Whydoyouhavetobelikethat?”Thenheleanedforward,close,tooclose.“CanIhavesome?”
Iputtheglassonthecounterandstartedtowalkaway,buthegrabbedmywrist.IthinkImighthavegasped.Hesaid,“Comeon,Bells.”
Hisfingersfeltcool,thewayhealwayswas.SuddenlyIfelthotandfeverish.Isnatchedmyhandaway.“Leavemealone.”
“Whyareyoumadatme?”Hehadthenervetolookgenuinelyconfusedandalsoanxious.Becauseforhim,thetwothingswereconnected—ifhewasconfused,hewasanxious.Andhewashardlyeverconfused,sothenhewashardlyeveranxious.He’dcertainlyneverbeenanxiousoverme.Iwasinconsequentialtohim.Alwayshadbeen.
“Doyouhonestlycare?”Icouldfeelmyheartthuddinghardinmychest.Ifeltpricklyandstrange,waitingforhisanswer.
“Yes.”Conradlookedsurprised,likehecouldn’tbelievehecaredeither.
Theproblemwas,Ididn’tentirelyknow.Iguesseditwasmostlythewayhewasmakingmefeelallmixed-upinside.Beingnicetomeoneminuteandcoldthenext.HemademerememberthingsIdidn’twanttoremember.Notnow.ThingswerereallygoingwellwithCam,buteverytimeIthoughtIwassureabouthim,Conradwouldlookatmeacertainway,ortwirlme,orcallmeBells,anditallwenttocrap.
“Oh,whydon’tyougosmokeacigarette,”Isaid.
Themuscleinhisjawtwitched.“Okay,”hesaid.
IfeltamixtureofguiltandsatisfactionthatIhadfinallygottentohim.Andthenhesaid,“Whydon’tyougolookatyourselfinthemirrorsomemore?”
Itwaslikehehadslappedme.Itwasmortifying,beingcaughtoutandhavingsomeoneseethebadthingsaboutyou.Hadhecaughtmelookingatmyselfinthemirror,checkingmyselfout,admiringmyself?DideveryonethinkIwasvainandshallownow?
Iclosedmylipstightandbackedawayfromhim,shakingmyheadslowly.
“Belly—,”hestarted.Hewassorry.Itwaswrittenalloverhisface.
Iwalkedintothelivingroomandlefthimstandingthere.CamandJeremiahstaredatmeliketheyknewsomethingwasup.Hadtheyheardus?Diditevenmatter?
“Igetnextgame,”Isaid.Iwonderedifthiswasthewayoldcrushesdied,withawhimper,slowly,andthen,justlikethat—gone.
chapterthirty-two
Camcameoveragain,andhestayedtilllate.AroundmidnightIaskedhimifhewantedtogoforawalkonthebeach.Sowedid,andweheldhands,too.Theoceanlookedsilverandbottomless,likeitwasamillionyearsold.WhichIguesseditwas.
“Truthordare?”heaskedme.
Iwasn’tinthemoodforrealtruths.Anideacametome,fromoutofnowhere.Theideawasthis:Iwantedtogoskinny-dipping.WithCam.Thatwaswhatolderkidsdidatthebeach,justlikehookingupatthedrive-in.Ifwewentskinny-dipping,itwouldbelikeproof.ThatIhadgrownup.
SoIsaid,“Cam,let’splayWouldYouRather.Wouldyourathergoskinny-dippingrightthissecond,or…”Iwashavingtroublethinkingofan“or.”
“Thefirstone,thefirstone,”hesaid,grinning.“Orboth,whateverthesecondoneis.”
SuddenlyIfeltgiddy,almostdrunk.Iranawayfromhim,towardthewater,andthrewmysweatshirtintothesand.Ihadonmybikiniunderneathmyclothes.“Herearetherules,”Icalledout,unbuttoningmyshorts.“Nonakednessuntilwe’refullysubmerged!Andnopeeking!”
“Wait,”hesaid,runninguptome,sandflyingeverywhere.“Arewereallydoingthis?”
“Well,yeah.Don’tyouwantto?”
“Yeah,butwhatifyourmomseesus?”Camglancedbacktowardthehouse.
“Shewon’t.Youcan’tseeanythingfromthehouse;it’stoodark.”
Heglancedatmeandthenbackatthehouseagain.“Maybelater,”hesaiddoubtfully.
Istaredathim.Wasn’thetheonewhowassupposedtobeconvincingme?“Areyouserious?”WhatIreallywantedtosaywas,Areyougay?
“Yeah.It’snotlateenough.Whatifpeoplearestillawake?”Hepickedupmysweatshirtandhandedittome.“Maybewecancomebacklater.”
Iknewhedidn’tmeanit.
Partofmewasmad,andpartofmewasrelieved.Itwaslikecravingafriedpeanutbutterandbananasandwichandthenrealizingtwobitesinthatyoudidn’twantitafterall.
Isnatchedmysweatshirtfromhimandsaid,“Don’tdomeanyfavors,Cam.”ThenIwalkedawayasfastasIcould,andsandkickedupbehindme.Ithoughthemightfollowme,buthedidn’t.Ididn’tlookbacktoseewhathewasdoingeither.Hewasprobablysittinginthesandwritingoneofhisstupidpoemsbythelightofthemoon.
AssoonasIgotbackinside,Istormedintothekitchen.Therewasonelighton;Conradwassittingatthetablespooningintoawatermelon.“Where’sCamCameron?”heaskedwryly.
Ihadtothinkforasecondaboutwhetherhewasbeingniceormakingfunofme.Hisexpressionlookednormalandbland,soItookitasalittleofboth.Ifhewasgoingtopretendourfightfrombeforehadn’thappened,thensowouldI.
“Whoknows,”Isaid,rummagingaroundthefridgeandpullingoutayogurt.“Whocares?”
“Lover’sspat?”
Thesmuglookonhisfacemademewanttoslaphim.“Mindyourownbusiness,”Isaid,sittingdownnexttohimwithaspoonandacontainerofstrawberryyogurt.ItwasSusannah’sfat-freestuff,andthetoplookedwateryandsolid.Iclosedthefoilflapontheyogurtandpusheditaway.
Conradpushedthewatermelonovertome.“Youshouldn’tbesohardonpeople,Belly.”Thenhestoodupandsaid,“Andputyourshirton.”
Iscoopedoutachunkofwatermelonandstuckmytongueoutathisretreatingfigure.WhydidhemakemefeellikeIwasstillthirteen?InmyheadIheardmymother’svoice—“Nobodycanmakeyoufeellikeanything,Belly.Notwithoutyourpermission.EleanorRooseveltsaidthat.Ialmostnamedyouafterher.”Blah,blah,blah.Butshewaskindofright.Iwasn’tgivinghimpermissiontomakemefeelbad,notanymore.Ijustwishedmyhairhadatleastbeenwet,orI’dhadsandinmyclothes,sohecouldhavethoughtwe’dbeenuptosomething,evenifwehadn’tbeen.
Isatatthetableandatewatermelon.IateituntilIhadscoopedouthalfofthemiddle.IwaswaitingforCamtocomebackinside,andwhenhedidn’t,Ionlyfeltmadder.Partofmewastemptedtolockthedooronhim.He’dprobablymeetsomerandomhomelessguyandbecomebestfriendswithhim,andthenhe’dtellmetheman’slifestorythenextday.Notthattherewereanyhomelessguysonourendofthebeach.NotthatI’deverseenahomelesspersoninCousins,forthatmatter.Butiftherewas,Camwouldfindhim.
Only,Camdidn’tcomebacktothehouse.Hejustleft.Iheardhiscarstart,watchedfromthedownstairshallwayashebackeddownthedriveway.Iwantedtorunafterhiscarandyellathim.Hewassupposedtocomeback.WhatifI’druinedthingsandhedidn’tlikemeanymore?WhatifIneversawhimagain?
ThatnightIlayinbed,thinkingabouthowsummerromancesreallydohappensofast,andthenthey’reoversofast.
Butthenextmorning,whenIwenttothedecktoeatmytoast,Ifoundanemptywaterbottleonthestepsthatleddowntothebeach.PolandSpring,thekindCamwasalwaysdrinking.Therewasapieceofpaperinside,anote.Amessageinabottle.Theinkwasalittlesmeared,butIcouldstillreadwhatitsaid.Itsaid,“IOUoneskinny-dip.”
chapterthirty-three
JeremiahtoldmeIcouldcomehangbythepoolwhilehelifeguarded.I’dneverbeeninsidethecountryclubpool.Itwashugeandfancy,soIjumpedatthechance.Thecountryclubseemedlikeamysteriousplace.Conradhadn’tletuscomethesummerbefore;he’dsaiditwouldbeembarrassing.
Midafternoon,Irodemybikeover.Everythingtherewaslushandgreen;itwassurroundedbyagolfcourse.Therewasagirlatatablewithaclipboard,andIwentoverandtoldherIwastheretoseeJeremiah,andshewavedmein.
IspottedJeremiahbeforehesawme.Hewassittinginthelifeguardchair,talkingtoadark-hairedgirlinawhitebikini.Hewaslaughing,andsowasshe.Helookedsoimportantinthechair.I’dneverseenhimatanactualjobbefore
SuddenlyIfeltshy.Iwalkedoverslowly,myflip-flopsslappingalongthepavement.“Hey,”IsaidwhenIwasafewfeetaway.
Jeremiahlookeddownfromhischairandgrinnedatme.“Youcame,”hesaid,squintingatmeandshieldinghiseyeswithhishandslikeavisor.
“Yup.”Iswungmycanvasbagbackandforth,likeapendulum.Thebaghadmynameonitincursive.ItwasfromL.L.Bean,agiftfromSusannah.
“Belly,thisisYolie.She’smyco-lifeguard.”
Yoliereachedoverandshookmyhand.Itstruckmeasabusinessythingtodoforsomeoneinabikini.Shehadafirmhandshake,anicegrip,somethingmymotherwouldhaveappreciated.“Hi,Belly,”shesaid.“I’veheardalotaboutyou.”
“Youhave?”IlookedupatJeremiah.
Hesmirked.“Yeah.ItoldherallaboutthewayyousnoresoloudthatIcanhearyoudownthehall.”
Ismackedhisfoot.“Shutup.”TurningtoYolie,Isaid,“It’snicetomeetyou.”
Shesmiledatme.Shehaddimplesinbothcheeksandacrookedbottomtooth.“Youtoo.Jere,doyouwanttotakeyourbreaknow?”
“Inalittlebit,”hesaid.“Belly,goworkonyoursundamage.”
Istuckmytongueoutathimandspreadoutmytowelonaloungechairnottoofaraway.Thepoolwasaperfectturquoise,andthereweretwodivingboards,onehighandonelow.Therewereatonofkidssplashingaroundinside,andIfiguredI’dswimtoowhenIgottoohottostandit.Ijustlaytherewithmysunglassesonandmyeyesclosed,tanningandlisteningtomymusic.
Jeremiahcameoverafterawhile.HesatontheedgeofmychairanddrankfrommythermosofKool-Aid.“She’spretty,”Isaid.
“Who?Yolie?”Heshrugged.“She’snice.Oneofmymanyadmirers.”
“Ha!”
“Sowhataboutyou?CamCameron,huh?Camthevegetarian.Camthestraightedge.”
Itriednottosmile.“Sowhat?Ilikehim.”
“He’skindofadork.”
“That’swhatIlikeabouthim.He’s…different.”
Hefrownedslightly.“Differentfromwho?”
“Idon’tknow.”ButIdidknow.Iknewexactlywhohewasdifferentfrom.
“Youmeanhe’snotadicklikeConrad?”
Ilaughed,andsodidhe.“Yeah,exactly.He’snice.”
“Justnice,huh?”
“Morethannice.”
“Soyou’reoverhim,then?Forreal?”Webothknewthe“him”hewastalkingabout.
“Yes,”Itoldhim.
“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Jeremiahsaid,watchingmeclosely—justlikewhenhewastryingtofigureoutwhatkindofhandIhadinUno.
Itookoffmysunglassesandlookedhimintheeye.“It’strue.I’moverhim.”
“We’llsee,”Jeremiahsaid,standingup.“Mybreak’sover.Areyouokayoverhere?WaitaroundandI’lldriveushome.Icanputyourbikeintheback.”
Inodded,andwatchedhimwalkbacktothelifeguardchair.Jeremiahwasagoodfriend.He’dalwaysbeengoodtome,watchedoutforme.
chapterthirty-four
MymotherandSusannahsatinbeachchairs,andIlayonanoldRalphLaurenteddybeartowel.Itwasmyfavoriteonebecauseitwasextralong,andsoftfromsomanywashings.
“Whatareyouuptotonight,bean?”mymotheraskedme.Iloveditwhenshecalledmebean.Itremindedmeofbeingsixyearsoldandfallingasleepinherbed.
ProudlyItoldthem,“MeandCamaregoingtoPuttPutt.”
Weusedtogoallthetimeaskids.Mr.Fisherwouldtakeus,andhewasalwayspittingtheboysagainstoneanother.“Twentydollarsforthefirstonetogetaholeinone.”“Twentydollarsforthewinner.”Stevenlovedit.IthinkhewishedMr.Fisherwasourdad.Heactuallycould’vebeen.Susannahtoldmemymotherhaddatedhimfirst,butmymotherhadhandedhimovertoSusannahbecausesheknewthey’dbeperfecttogether.
Mr.Fisherincludedmeintheminigolfcompetitions,butheneverexpectedmetowin.OfcourseIneverdid.Ihatedminigolfanyway.Ihatedthelittlepencilsandthefaketurf.Itwasallsoannoyinglyperfect.KindoflikeMr.Fisher.Conradwantedsobadlytobelikehim,andIusedtohopeheneverwould.Belikehim,Imean.
ThelasttimeIhadbeentoPuttPuttwaswhenIwasthirteenandI’dgottenmyperiodforthefirsttime.Iwaswearingwhitecutoffs,andStevenhadbeenscared.He’dthoughtIhadcutmyselforsomething—forasecond,I’dthoughtsotoo.Afterthat,aftergettingmyperiodbythefourthhole,Ineverwantedtogoback.Notevenwhentheboysinvitedme.SogoingwithCamfeltlikeIwasreclaimingPuttPutt,takingitbackformytwelve-year-oldself.Ithadevenbeenmyideatogo.
Mymothersaid,“Canyoubehomeearly?Iwantustospendalittletimetogether,maybewatchamovie.”
“Howearly?Youguysgotobedat,like,nine.”
Mymothertookhersunglassesoffandlookedatme.Shehadtwoindentationsonhernosewhereherglasseshadbeen.“Iwishyou’dspendmoretimeatthehouse.”
“I’matthehouserightnow,”Iremindedher.
Sheactedlikeshedidn’thearme.“You’vebeenspendingsomuchtimewiththisperson—”
“Yousaidyoulikedhim!”IlookedatSusannahforsupport,andshelookedbackatmesympathetically.
Mymothersighed,andSusannahbrokeinthen,saying,“WedolikeCam.Wejustmissyou,Belly.Wecompletelyacceptthefactthatyouhaveanactuallife.”Sheadjustedherfloppystrawhatandwinkedatme.“Wejustwantyoutoincludeusalittlebit!”
Ismiledinspiteofmyself.“Okay,”Isaid,lyingbackdownonthetowel.“I’llcomehomeearly.We’llwatchamovie.”
“Done,”mymothersaid.
Iclosedmyeyesandputmyheadphoneson.Maybeshehadapoint.IhadbeenspendingallmytimewithCam.Maybeshereallydidmissme.Itwasjust,shecouldn’ttakeforgrantedthatIwasgoingtospendeverynightathomelikeIhadeveryothersummer.Iwasalmostsixteen,practicallyanadult.MymotherhadtoacceptthatIcouldn’tbeherbeanforever.
TheythoughtIwasasleepwhentheystartedtalking.ButIwasn’t.Icouldhearwhattheyweresaying,evenoverthemusic.
“Conrad’sbeenbehavinglikealittleshit,”mymothersaidinalowvoice.“Heleftallthesebeerbottlesoutonthedeckthismorningformetocleanup.It’sgettingoutofhand.”
Susannahsighed.“Ithinkheknowssomething’sup.He’sbeenlikethisformonthsnow.He’ssosensitive,Iknowit’sgoingtohithimharder.”
“Don’tyouthinkit’stimeyoutoldtheboys?”Whenevermymothersaid“Don’tyouthink,”allshereallymeantwas,“Ithink.Soyoushouldtoo.”
“Whenthesummer’sover.That’ssoonenough.”
“Beck,”mymotherbegan,“Ithinkitmightbetime.”
“I’llknowwhenit’stime,”Susannahsaid.“Don’tpushme,Laur.”
Iknewtherewasnothingmymothercouldsaythatwouldchangehermind.Susannahwassoft,butshewasresolute,stubbornasamulewhenshewantedtobe.Shewaspuresteelunderneathallhersoftness.
Iwantedtotellthemboth,ConradknowsalreadyandsodoesJeremiah,butIcouldn’t.Itwouldn’tberight.Itwasn’tmybusinesstotell.
Susannahwantedittobesomekindofperfectsummer,wheretheparentswerestilltogetherandeverythingwasthewayithadalwaysbeen.Thosekindsofsummersdon’texistanymore,Iwantedtotellher.
chapterthirty-five
Aroundsunset,Camcameandpickedmeupforminigolf.Iwaitedforhimonthefrontporch,andwhenhepulledintothedriveway,Iranuptohiscar.Insteadofgoingtothepassengerside,Iwalkedrightaroundtothedriver’sside.“CanIdrive?”Iasked.Iknewhe’dsayyes.
Heshookhisheadatmeandsaid,dryly,“Howdoesanybodyeversaynotoyou?”
Ibattedmyeyelashesathim.“Nooneeverdoes,”Isaid,eventhoughitwasn’ttrue,notevenalittlebit.
Iopenedthecardoor,andhescootedover.
Backingoutofthedriveway,Itoldhim,“Ihavetobehomeearlytonight.”
“Noproblem.”Heclearedhisthroat.“And,um,canyouslowdownalittle?Thespeedlimitisthirty-fiveonthisroad.”
AsIdrove,hekeptlookingoveratmeandsmiling.“What?Whyareyousmiling?”Iasked.IfeltlikecoveringmyfaceupwithmyT-shirt.
“Insteadofaski-slopenose,youhave,like,alittlebunnyslope.”Hereachedoverandtappedit.Islappedhishandaway.
“Ihatemynose,”Itoldhim.
Camlookedperplexed.“Why?Yournoseiscute.It’stheimperfectionsthatmakethingsbeautiful.”
IwonderedifthatmeanthethoughtIwasbeautiful.Iwonderedifthatwaswhyhelikedme,myimperfections.
WeendedupstayingoutlaterthanI’dplanned.Thepeopleinfrontofustookforeveroneachhole;theywereacouple,andtheykeptstoppingtokiss.Itwasannoying.Iwantedtotellthem,Minigolfisnotwhereyougotohookup.That’swhatthedrive-in’sfor.Andthenafter,Camwashungry,sowestoppedforfriedclams,andbythattimeitwasafterten,andIknewmymotherandSusannahwouldalreadybeasleep.
Heletmedrivehome.Ididn’tevenhavetoask;hejusthandedmethekeys.Inthedrivewaywhenwegothome,Iturnedofftheignition.AllofthelightsinthehousewereoffexceptforConrad’s.“Idon’twanttogoinsideyet,”ItoldCam.
“Ithoughtyouhadtobehomeearly.”
“Idid.Ido.I’mjustnotreadytogoinsideyet.”Iturnedontheradio,andwesatthereforfiveminuteslistening.
ThenCamclearedhisthroatandsaid,“CanIkissyou?”
Iwishedhehadn’tasked.Iwishedhe’djustdoneit.Askingmadeeverythingfeelawkward;itputmeinapositionwhereIhadtosayyes.IwantedtorollmyeyesathimbutinsteadIsaid,“Um,okay.Butnexttime,pleasedon’task.Askingsomeoneiftheywanttokissyouisweird.You’resupposedtojustdoit.”
Iregrettedsayingitrightaway,assoonasIsawthelookonCam’sface.“Nevermind,”hesaid,red-faced.“ForgetIasked.”
“Cam,I’msorr—”BeforeIcouldfinish,heleanedoverandkissedme.Hischeekwasstubblyanditfeltkindofroughbutnice.
Whenitwasover,hesaid,“Okay?”
Ismiledandsaid,“Okay.”Iunbuckledmyseatbelt.“Goodnight.”
ThenIgotoutofthecar,andhecamearoundandtookthedriver’sseat.Wehugged,andIfoundmyselfwishingthatConradwaswatching.Eventhoughitdidn’tmatter,eventhoughIdidn’tevenlikehimanymore.IjustwantedhimtoknowIdidn’tlikehimanymore,toreallyknowit.Toseeitwithhisowntwoeyes.
Iranuptothefrontdoor,andIdidn’thavetoturnaroundtoknowthatCamwouldwaituntilIwasinsidebeforehedroveaway.
Thenextdaymymotherdidn’tmentionanything,butshedidn’thaveto.Shecouldmakemefeelguiltywithoutsayingaword.
chapterthirty-six
Mybirthdayalwaysmarkedthebeginningoftheendofsummer.Itwasmyfinalthingtolookforwardto.AndthissummerIwasturningsixteen.Sweetsixteenwassupposedtobespecial,areallybigdeal—Taylorwasrentingoutareceptionhallforhers,andhercousinwasDJ-ingandshewasinvitingthewholeschool.She’dhaditplannedforages.Mybirthdaysherewerealwaysthesame:cake;gaggiftsfromtheboys;andlookingthroughalltheoldphotoalbums,withmesandwichedbetweenSusannahandmymomonthecouch.EverybirthdayI’veeverhadhasbeenhere,inthishouse.Therearepicturesofmymothersittingontheporchpregnant,withaglassoficedteaandawidebrimmedhat,andthere’sme,insideherbelly.Therearepicturesofthefourofus,Conrad,Steven,Jeremiah,andme,runningaroundonthebeach—Iwasnakedexceptformybirthdayhat,chasingafterthem.Mymotherdidn’tputmeinabathingsuituntilIwasfouryearsold.Shejustletmerunaroundwild.
Ididn’texpectthisbirthdaytobeanydifferent.Which,wascomfortingandalsokindofdepressing.Except,Stevenwouldn’tbethere—myfirstbirthdaywithouthimtryingtoelbowinandblowoutmycandlesbeforeIcould.
Ialreadyknewwhatmyparentsweregivingme:Steven’soldcar;theyweregettingitdetailedwithanewpaintjobandeverything.WhenIgotbacktoschool,Iwouldtakedriver’sed,andsoonIwouldn’thavetoaskforarideeveragain.
Icouldn’thelpbutwonderifanyonebackhomeremembereditwasmybirthday.BesidesTaylor.Sheremembered;shealwaysdid.Shecalledmeatexactly9:02inthemorningtosinghappybirthday,everyyear.Thatwasniceandall,butthetroublewithhavingasummerbirthdayandbeingawaywasyoucouldn’thaveapartywithallyourschoolfriends.Youdidn’tgettheballoonstapedtoyourlockeroranyofit.I’dneverreallyminded,butjustthenIdid,alittle.
MymothertoldmeIcouldinviteCamover.ButIdidn’t.Ididn’teventellhimitwasmybirthday.Ididn’twanthimtofeellikehehadtodosomething.Butitwasmorethanthat.Ifiguredthatifthisbirthdaywasgoingtobelikeeveryotherone,Imightaswellreallyhaveitbelikeeveryotherone.Itshouldjustbeus,mysummerfamily.
WhenIwokeupthatmorning,thehousesmelledlikebutterandsugar.Susannahhadbakedabirthdaycake.Itwasthreelayersanditwaspinkwithawhiteborder.ShewroteinloopywhitefrostingHAPPYBIRTHDAY,BELLS.She’dlitafewsparklercandlesontop,andtheysizzledandsparkedlikemadfireflies.Sheandmymotherstartedtosing,andSusannahgesturedforConradandJeremiahtojoinin.Theybothdid,off-keyandobnoxious.
“Makeawish,Belly,”mymothersaid.
Iwasstillinmypajamas,andIcouldn’tstopsmiling.ThepastfourbirthdaysIhadwishedforthesamething.Notthisyear.ThisyearIwouldwishforsomethingelse.Iwatchedthesparklersdiedown,andthenIclosedmyeyesandblew.
“Openmypresentfirst,”Susannahurged.Shethrustasmallboxwrappedinpinkpaperintomyhands.
Mymotherlookedatherquestioningly.“Whatdidyoudo,Beck?”
Shesmiledamysterioussmileandsqueezedmywrist.“Openit,honey.”
Irippedthepaperoffandopenedthebox.Itwasapearlnecklace,awholestrandoftinycreamywhitepearlswithashinygoldclasp.Itlookedold,notlikesomethingyoucouldbuytoday.Itwaslikemyfather’sSwissgrandfatherclock,beautifullycrafted,rightdowntotheclasp.ItwastheprettiestthingI’deverseen.
“Ohmygosh,”Ibreathed,liftingitup.
IlookedatSusannah,whowasbeaming,andthenatmymother,whoIthoughtwouldsayitwasmuchtooextravagant,butshedidn’t.Shesmiledandsaid,“Arethose—”
“Yes.”Susannahturnedtomeandsaid,“Myfathergavemethoseformysixteenthbirthday.Iwantyoutohavethem.”
“Really?”Ilookedbackatmymother,tomakesureitwasokay.Shenodded.“Wow,thankyou,Susannah.They’rebeautiful.”
Shetookthemfrommeandfastenedthemaroundmyneck.I’dneverwornpearlsbefore.Icouldn’tstoptouchingthem.
Susannahclappedherhands.Shedidn’tliketolingertoomuchaftershe’dgivenagift;shejustenjoyedthegivingofit.“Okay,what’snext?Jeremiah?Con?”
Conradshifteduncomfortably.“Iforgot.Sorry,Belly.”
Iblinked.He’dneverforgottenmybirthdaybefore.“That’sokay,”Isaid.Icouldn’tevenlookathim.
“Openminenext,”Jeremiahsaid.“Although,afterthat,minekindofsucksincomparison.Thanksalot,Mom.”Hehandedmeasmallboxandleanedbackinhischair.
Ishookthebox.“Okay,whatcoulditbe?Plasticpoop?Alicenseplatekeychain?”
Hesmiled.“You’llsee.Yoliehelpedmepickitout.”
“Who’sYolie?”Susannahasked.
“Agirlwho’sinlovewithJeremiah,”Isaid,openingthebox.
Inside,nestledonabedofcotton,wasasmallcharm,atinysilverkey.
chapterthirty-seven
AGE11
“Happybirthday,butthead,”Stevensang,dumpingapailfullofsandintomylap.Asandcrabwriggledoutofthesandandcrawledontomythigh.Iletoutashriekandjumpedup.IchasedStevendownthebeach,whitehotfurypumpingthroughmyveins.Iwasn’tfastenoughtocatchhim;Ineverwas.Herancirclesaroundme.
“Comeandblowoutyourcandles,”mymothercalled.
AssoonasSteventurnedaroundtoheadbacktothetowel,Ileaptontohisbackandwithonearmaroundhisneck,IpulledhishairashardasIcould.
“Ow!”hehowled,stumbling.Iclungtohisbacklikeamonkey,evenwithJeremiahgrabbingmyfootandtryingtopullmeoff.Conradfelltohisknees,laughing.
“Children,”Susannahcalled.“There’scake!”
IhoppedoffofSteven’sbackandscrambledovertotheblanket.
“I’mgonnagetyou!”heyelled,chasingafterme.
Ihidbehindmymother.“Youcan’t.It’smybirthday.”Istuckmytongueoutathim.Theboysfellontotheblanket,wetandsandy.
“Mom,”Stevencomplained.“Shepulledoutahunkofmyhair.”
“Steven,youhaveawholeheadfull.Iwouldn’tworryaboutit.”Mymotherlitthecandlesonthecakeshe’dbakedthatmorning.ItwasalopsidedDuncanHinesyellowcakewithchocolatefrosting.Shehadmessyhandwriting,so“HappyBirthday”lookedlike“HappyBimday.”
IblewoutthecandlesbeforeStevencouldtryto“help”me.Ididn’twanthimstealingmywish.IwishedforConrad,ofcourse.
“Openyourpresents,Smelly,”Stevensaidsullenly.Ialreadyknewwhathe’dgottenme.Astickofdeodorant.He’dwrappeditinKleenex;Icouldseerightthroughthetissue.
Iignoredhimandreachedforasmallflatboxwrappedinseashellpaper.ItwasfromSusannah,soIknewitwouldbegood.Itoreoffthewrappingpaper,andinsidetherewasasilvercharmbracelet,fromthestoreSusannahloved,Rheingold’s,wheretheysoldfancychinaandcrystalcandydishes.Onthebracelettherewerefivecharms:aconchshell,abathingsuit,asandcastle,apairofsunglasses,andahorseshoe.
“Forhowluckywearetohaveyouinourlives,”Susannahsaid,touchingthehorseshoe.
Ilifteditup,andthecharmsglintedandsparkledinthesunlight.“Iloveit.”
Mymotherwassilent.Iknewwhatshewasthinking.ShewasthinkingthatSusannahhadoverdoneit,thatshe’dspenttoomuchmoney.Ifeltguiltyforlovingthebraceletsomuch.MymotherhadboughtmesheetmusicandCDs.Wedidn’thaveasmuchmoneyastheydid,andinthatmomentIfinallyunderstoodwhatthatmeant.
chapterthirty-eight
“Iloveit,”Isaid.
Iranupstairstomyroomandwentstraightforthemusicboxonmydresser,whereIkeptmycharmbracelet.Igrabbedthebraceletandranbackdownstairs.
“See?”Isaid,puttingthekeycharmonandfasteningitontomywrist.
“It’sakey,becauseyou’llbedrivingsoon.Getit?”Jeremiahsaid,leaningbackinhischairandclaspinghishandsbehindhishead.
Igotit.IsmiledtoshowhimIdid.
Conradleanedinforacloserlook.“Nice,”hesaid.
Ihelditinthepalmofmyotherhand.Icouldn’tstoplookingatit.“Iloveit,”Isaidagain.“Butit’sfromRheingold’s.Itmusthavebeenreallyexpensive.”
“Isavedupallsummertobuyit,”hesaidsolemnly.
Istaredathim.“No,youdidn’t!”
Hebrokeintoasmile.“Fooledya.Gullibleasever,aren’tyou?”
Punchinghimonthearm,Isaid,“Ididn’tbelieveyouanyway,jerk.”EventhoughIhad,forasecond.
JeremiahrubbedhisarmwhereI’dpunchedit.“Itwasn’tthatexpensive.Anyway,I’mbig-timenow,remember?Don’tworryaboutme.I’mjustgladyoulikeit.Yoliesaidyouwould.”
Ihuggedhimfiercely.“It’sperfect.”
“Whatawonderfulgift,Jere,”Susannahsaid.“It’sbetterthanmyoldnecklace,that’sforsure.”
Helaughed.“Yeah,right,”hesaid,butIcouldtellhewaspleased.
Mymothergotupandstartedcuttingthecake.Shewasn’taverygoodcakecutter:Thepiecesweretoobig,andtheyfellapartonthesides.“Whowantscake?”shesaid,lickingherfinger.
“I’mnothungry,”Conradsaidabruptly.Hestoodup,lookingathiswatch.“I’vegottagetdressedforwork.Happybirthday,Belly.”
Hewentupstairs,andnobodysaidanythingforaminute.Thenmymothersaid,loudly,“Thiscakeisdelicious.Havesome,Beck.”Shepushedapieceinfrontofher.
Smilingfaintly,Susannahsaid,“I’mnothungryeither.Youknowwhattheysayaboutthecooknothavingatasteforherowncooking.Butyouguyseat.”
Itookabigbite.“Mmm.Yellowcake,myfavorite.”
“Fromscratch,”mymothersaid.
chapterthirty-nine
ConradinvitedNicole,RedSoxgirl,overtothehouse.Ourhouse.Icouldn’tbelieveRedSoxgirlwasatourhouse.Itwasbizarretohaveagirlthereotherthanme.
Itwasmidafternoon.Iwasoutonthedeck,sittingatthepatiotable,eatingaDoritossandwichwhentheydroveup.ShewaswearingshortshortsandawhiteT-shirt,andapairofsunglassesontopofherhead.TheRedSoxhatwasnowhereinsight.Shelookedchic.Shelookedlikeshebelonged.Unlikeme,inmyoldCuzBeachshirtthatdoubledasapajamadress.Ithoughthe’datleastbringherinsidethehouse,buttheyhungoutontheothersideofthedeck,lyingontheloungechairs.Icouldn’thearwhattheyweresaying,butIcouldhearhergigglinglikecrazy.
AfteraboutfiveminutesIcouldn’ttakeitanymore.IgotonthephoneandcalledCam.Hesaidhe’dbeoverinhalfanhour,butitwasmorelikefifteenminutes.
TheywalkedbackintothehousewhenCamandIwerearguingoverwhichmovietowatch.“Whatareyouguysgonnawatch?”Conradasked,sittingonthecouchoppositeus.RedSoxgirlsatnexttohim.Shewaspracticallyinhislap.
Ididn’tlookathimwhenIsaid,“We’retryingtodecide.”Emphasisonthe“we’re.”
“Canwewatchtoo?”Conradasked.“YouguysknowNicole,right?”
So,suddenlyConradfeltlikebeingsocialwhenhe’dspentthewholesummerlockedupinhisroom?
“Hey,”shesaidinaboredtone.
“Hey,”Isaid,matchinghertoneasbestIcould.
“Hey,Nicole,”Camsaid.Iwantedtotellhimnottobesofriendly,butIknewhewouldn’thavelistenedanyway.“IwanttowatchReservoirDogs,butBellywantstowatchTitanic.”
“Seriously?”thegirlsaid,andConradlaughed.
“BellylovesTitanic,”hesaidmockingly.
“IloveditwhenIwas,like,nine,”Isaid.“IwanttowatchrightnowsoIcanlaughatit,foryourinformation.”
Iwasascoolasacucumber.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimgoadmeinfrontofCamagain.Andactually,IstilllovedTitanic.Whatwasn’ttoloveaboutadoomedromanceonadoomedship?IknewforafactthatConradhadlikedittoo,eventhoughhe’dpretendednotto.
“IvoteforReservoirDogs,”Nicolesaid,examiningherfingernails.
Didsheevengetavote?Whatwasshedoingthereanyway?
“TwovotesforReservoirDogs,”Camsaid.“Whataboutyou,Conrad?”
“IthinkI’llvoteforTitanic,”hesaidblandly.“ReservoirDogssucksevenharderthanTitanic.It’soverrated.”
Inarrowedmyeyesathim.“Youknowwhat?IthinkI’llchangemyvotetoReservoirDogs.Soitlookslikeyou’reoutnumbered,Conrad,”Isaid.
Nicolelookedupfromherfingernailsandsaid,“Well,then,IchangemyvotetoTitanic.”
“Whoareyou?”Imutteredundermybreath.“Doessheevengetvotingprivilegeshere?”
“Doeshe?”ConradjerkedhiselbowatCam,wholookedstartled.“Justkidding,man.”
“Let’sjustwatchTitanic,”Camsaid,takingtheDVDoutofitscase.
Wesatandwatchedstiffly.EveryoneelsebusteduplaughingatthepartwhenJackstandsatthehelmandsays,“I’mthekingoftheworld.”Iwassilent.Aboutmidwaythrough,NicolewhisperedsomethingintoConrad’sear,andthetwoofthemstoodup.“Seeyouguyslater,”Conradsaid.
Assoonastheyweregone,Ihissed,“They’resodisgusting.Theyprobablywentupstairstogoatit.”
“Goatit?Whosays‘goatit’?”Camsaid,bemused.
“Shutup.Don’tyouthinkshewasgross?”
“Gross?No.Ithinkshe’scute.Alittletoomuchbronzer,maybe.”
Ilaughedinspiteofmyself.“Bronzer?Whatdoyouknowaboutbronzer?”
“Ihaveanoldersister,remember,”hesaid,smilingself-consciously.“Shelikesmakeup.Weshareabathroom.”
Ididn’trememberCamsayinghehadasister.
“Well,anyway,shedoesweartoomuchbronzer.She’sbrightorange!IwonderwhereherRedSoxhatis,”Imused.
Campickeduptheremotecontrolandpausedthemovie.“Whyareyousoobsessedwithher?”
“I’mnotobsessedwithher.WhywouldIbeobsessedwithher?Shehasnopersonality.She’slikeoneofthosepodpeople.ShelooksatConradlikehe’sGod.”Iknewhewasjudgingmeforbeingsomean,butIcouldn’tstoptalking.
Helookedatmelikehewantedtosaysomething,buthedidn’t.Insteadheturnedthemoviebackon.
Wesatthereonthecouchandfinishedwatchingthemovieinsilence.TowardtheendIheardConrad’svoiceonthestairs,andwithouteventhinkingIsnuggledclosertoCam.Irestedmyheadonhisshoulder.
ConradandNicolecamebackdownstairs,andConradlookedatthetwoofusforasecondbeforesaying,“TellmymomItookNicolehome.”
Ibarelylookedup.“Okay.”
Assoonastheyweregone,Camsatstraightup,andIdidtoo.Hetookabreath.“Didyouinvitemeoverheretomakehimjealous?”
“Who?”Isaid.
“Youknowwho.Conrad.”
Icouldfeelaflushrisingupmychestandallthewaytomycheeks.“No.”ItseemedlikeeverybodywaswantingtoknowwherethingsstoodwithConradandme.
“Doyoustilllikehim?”
“No.”
Heletoutabreathofair.“See,youhesitated.”
“No,Ididn’t!”
DidI?HadI?IwassureIhadn’t.ToCamIsaid,“WhenIlookatConrad,allIfeelisdisgust.”
Icouldtellhedidn’tbelieveit.Ididn’teither.Becausethetruthwas,whenIlookedatConrad,allIfeltwasayearningthatneverwentaway.Itwasthesameasithadalwaysbeen.HereIhadthisreallygreatguywhoactuallylikedme,anddeepdowninsideIwasstillhunguponConrad.There,thatwastherealtruth.Ihadneverreallyletgo.IwasjustlikeRoseonthatstupidmakeshiftraft.
Camclearedhisthroatandsaid,“You’releavingsoon.Doyouwanttokeepintouch?”
Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthat.Hewasright,thesummerwasalmostover.PrettysoonIwouldbehomeagain.“Um…doyou?”
“Well,yeah.Ido.”
Helookedatmelikehewasexpectingsomething,andIcouldn’tfigureoutwhatitwasforafewseconds.ThenIsaid,“Metoo.Idotoo.”Butitcametoolate.Camtookhiscellphoneoutofhispocketandsaidhe’dbettergetgoing.Ididn’targue.
chapterforty
Wefinallyhadourmovienight.Mymother,Susannah,Jeremiah,andIwatchedSusannah’sfavoriteAlfredHitchcockmoviesintherecroomwithallthelightsoff.Mymothermadekettlecorninthebigcast-ironpot,andshewentoutandboughtMilkDudsandgummybearsandsaltwatertaffy.Susannahlovedsaltwatertaffy.Itwasclassic,likeoldtimes,onlywithoutStevenandConrad,whowasworkingadinnershift.
HalfwaythroughNotorious,hermostfavoriteofall,Susannahfellasleep.Mymothercoveredherwithablanket,andwhenthemoviewasover,shewhispered,“Jeremiah,willyoucarryherupstairs?”
Jeremiahnoddedquickly,andSusannahdidn’tevenwakeupwhenheliftedherinhisarmsandcarriedheruptherecroomstairs.Hepickedheruplikeshewasweightless,afeather.I’dneverseenhimdothatbefore.Eventhoughwewerealmostthesameage,inthatmomenthealmostseemedgrown-up.
Mymothergotuptoo,stretching.“I’mexhausted.Areyougoingtobed,too,Belly?”
“Notyet.IthinkI’llcleanupdownherefirst,”Isaid.
“Goodgirl,”shesaid,winkingatme,andthensheheadedupstairs.
Istartedpickingupthetaffywrappersandafewkernelsthathadfallenontothecarpet.
JeremiahcamebackdownwhenIwasputtingthemovieintoitscase.Hesankintothecouchcushions.“Let’snotgotosleepyet,”hesaid,lookingupatme
“Okay.Doyouwannawatchanothermovie?”
“Nah.Let’sjustwatchTV.”Hepickeduptheremoteandstartedflippingthroughchannelsrandomly.“Where’sCamCameronbeenlately?”
Sittingbackdown,Isighedalittle.“Idon’tknow.Hehasn’tcalled,andIhaven’tcalledhim.Thesummer’salmostover.I’llprobablyneverseehimagain.”
Hedidn’tlookatmewhenhesaid,“Doyouwantto?Seehimagain?”
“Idon’tknow.…I’mnotsure.Maybe.Maybenot.”
JeremiahputtheTVonmute.Heturnedandlookedatmethen.“Idon’tthinkhe’stheguyforyou.”Hiseyeslookedsomber.I’dneverseenhimlooksosomber.
LightlyIsaid,“Yeah,Idoubtittoo.”
“Belly…,”hebegan.Hetookadeepbreathofairandpuffeduphischeeks,andthenheblewitoutsohardthehaironhisforeheadfluttered.Icouldfeelmyheartstarttopound—somethingwasgoingtohappen.HewasgoingtosaysomethingIdidn’twanttohear.Hewasgoingtogoandchangeeverything.
Iopenedmymouthtospeak,tointerrupthimbeforehesaidsomethinghecouldn’ttakeback,andheshookhishead.“Justletmegetthisout.”
Hetookanotherdeepbreath.“You’vealwaysbeenmybestfriend.Butnowit’smore.Iseeyouasmorethanthat.”Hecontinued,scootingclosertome.“You’recoolerthananyothergirlI’veevermet,andyou’rethereforme.You’vealwaysbeenthereforme.I…Icancountonyou.Andyoucancountonmetoo.Youknowthat.”
Inodded.Icouldhearhimtalking,seehislipsmoving,butmymindwasworkingamillionmilesaminute.ThiswasJeremiah.Mybuddy,mybestpal.Practicallymybrother.Thehugenessofitallmadeithardtobreathe.Icouldbarelylookathim.BecauseIdidn’t.Ididn’tseehimthatway.Therewasonlyoneperson.FormethatpersonwasConrad
“AndIknowyou’vealwayslikedConrad,butyou’reoverhimnow,right?”Hiseyeslookedsohopeful,itkilledme,killedmetonotanswerhimthewayhewantedmeto.
“I…Idon’tknow,”Iwhispered.
Hesuckedinhisbreath,thewayhedidwhenhewasfrustrated.“Butwhy?Hedoesn’tseeyouthatway.Ido.”
Icouldfeelmyeyesstartingtotearup,whichwasn’tfair.Icouldn’tcry.Itwasjustthathewasright.Conraddidn’tseemethatway.IonlywishedIcouldseeJeremiahthewayhesawme.“Iknow.IwishIdidn’t.ButIdo.Istilldo.”
Jeremiahmovedawayfromme.Hewouldn’tlookatme;hiseyeslookedeverywherebutatmine.“He’llonlyenduphurtingyou,”hesaid,andhisvoicecracked.
“I’mso,sosorry.Pleasedon’tbemadatme.Icouldn’ttakeitifyouweremadatme.”
Hesighed.“I’mnotmadatyou.I’mjust—whydoesitalwayshavetobeConrad?”
Thenhegotup,andleftmesittingthere.
chapterforty-one
AGE12
Mr.Fisherhadtakentheboysononeoftheirovernightdeep-seafishingtrips.Jeremiahcouldn’tgo;he’dbeensickearlierthatdaysoSusannahmadehimstayhome.Thetwoofusspentthenightontheoldplaidcouchinthebasementeatingchipsanddipandwatchingmovies.
InbetweenTheTerminatorandTerminator2,Jeremiahsaidbitterly,“HelikesConbetterthanme,youknow.”
IhadgottenuptochangetheDVDs,andIturnedaroundandsaid,“Huh?”
“It’strue.Idon’treallycareanyway.Ithinkhe’sadick,”Jeremiahsaid,pickingatathreadontheflannelblanketinhislap.
Ithoughthewaskindofadicktoo,butIdidn’tsayso.You’renotsupposedtojoininwhensomeoneisbashinghisfather.IjustputtheDVDinandsatbackdown.Takingacorneroftheblanket,Isaid,“He’snotsobad.”
Jeremiahgavemealook.“Heis,andyouknowit.Conthinkshe’sGodorsomething.Sodoesyourbrother.”
“It’sjustthatyourdadissodifferentfromourdad,”Isaiddefensively.“Yourdadtakesyouguysfishingand,like,playsfootballwithyou.Ourdaddoesn’tdothatkindofstuff.Helikeschess.”
Heshrugged.“Ilikechess.”
Ihadn’tknownthatabouthim.Ilikedittoo.MydadhadtaughtmetoplaywhenIwasseven.Iwasn’tbadeither.Ihadneverjoinedchessclub,eventhoughI’dkindofwantedto.Chessclubwasforthenose-pickers.That’swhatTaylorcalledthem.
“AndConradlikeschesstoo,”Jeremiahsaid.“Hejusttriestobewhatourdadwants.Andthethingis,Idon’teventhinkhelikesfootball,notlikeIdo.He’sjustgoodatitlikeheisateverything.”
TherewasnothingIcouldsaytothat.Conradwasgoodateverything.IgrabbedahandfulofchipsandstuffedthemintomymouthsoIwouldn’thavetosayanything.
“OnedayI’mgonnabebetterthanhim,”Jeremiahsaid.
Ididn’tseethathappening.Conradwastoogood.
“IknowyoulikeConrad,”Jeremiahsaidsuddenly.
Iswallowedthechips.Theytastedlikerabbitfeedallofasudden.“No,Idon’t,”Isaid.“Idon’tlikeConrad.”
“Yes,youdo,”hesaid,andhiseyeslookedsoknowingandwise.“Tellthetruth.Nosecrets,remember?”NosecretswassomethingJeremiahandIhadbeensayingforprettymuchforever.Itwasatradition,thesamewayJeremiah’sdrinkingmysweetcerealmilkwastradition—justoneofthosethingswesaidtoeachotherwhenitwasjustthetwoofus.
“No,Ireallydon’tlikehim,”Iinsisted.“Ilikehimlikeafriend.Idon’tlookathimlikethat.”
“Yes,youdo.Youlookathimlikeyoulovehim.”
Icouldn’ttakethoseknowingeyeslookingatmeforonemoresecond.HotlyIsaid,“Youjustthinkthatbecauseyou’rejealousofanythingConraddoes.”
“I’mnotjealous.IjustwishIcouldbeasgoodashim,”hesaidsoftly.Thenheburpedandturnedthemovieon.
Thethingwas,Jeremiahwasright.Ididlovehim.Iknewtheexactmomentitbecamerealtoo.ConradgotupearlytomakeaspecialbelatedFather’sDaybreakfast,onlyMr.Fisherhadn’tbeenabletocomedownthenightbefore.Hewasn’ttherethenextmorningthewayhewassupposedtobe.Conradcookedanyway,andhewasthirteenandaterriblecook,butweallateit.Watchinghimservingrubberyeggsandpretendingnottobesad,Ithoughttomyself,Iwilllovethisboyforever
chapterforty-two
He’dgonerunningonthebeach,somethinghe’dstarteddoingrecently—IknewbecauseI’dwatchedhimfrommywindowtwomorningsinarow.HewaswearinggymshortsandaT-shirt;sweathadformedinacircleinthemiddleofhisback.He’dleftaboutanhourbefore,I’dseenhimtakeoff,andhewasrunningbacktothehousenow.
Iwalkedoutthere,totheporch,withoutarealplaninmymind.AllIknewwasthatthesummerwasalmostover.Soonitwouldbetoolate.Wewoulddriveaway,andIwouldneverhavetoldhim.Jeremiahhadlaiditalloutontheline.Nowitwasmyturn.Icouldn’tgoanotherwholeyearnothavingtoldhim.I’dbeensoafraidofchange,ofanythingtippingourlittlesummersailboat—butJeremiahhadalreadydonethat,andlook,wewerestillalive.WewerestillBellyandJeremiah.
Ihadto,Ihadtodoit,becausetonotdoitwouldkillme.Icouldn’tkeepyearningforsomething,forsomeonewhomightormightnotlikemeback.Ihadtoknowforsure.Nowornever.
Hedidn’thearmecomingupbehindhim.Hewasbentdownlooseningthelacesofhissneakers.
“Conrad,”Isaid.Hedidn’thearme,soIsaiditagain,louder.“Conrad.”
Helookedup,startled.Thenhestoodupstraight.“Hey.”
Catchinghimoffguardfeltlikeagoodsign.Hehadamillionwalls.MaybeifIjuststartedtalking,hewouldn’thavetimetobuildupanewone.
Isuckedinmylipsandbegantospeak.IsaidthefirstwordsIthoughtof,theonesthathadbeenonmyheartsincethebeginning.Isaid,“I’velovedyousinceIwastenyearsold.”
Heblinked.
“You’retheonlyboyI’veeverthoughtabout.Mywholelife,it’salwaysbeenyou.Youtaughtmehowtodance,youcameoutandgotmethetimeIswamouttoofar.Doyourememberthat?Youstayedwithmeandyoupushedmebacktoshore,andthewholetime,youkeptsaying,‘We’realmostthere,’andIbelievedit.Ibelieveditbecauseyouweretheonewhowassayingit,andIbelievedeverythingyoueversaid.Comparedtoyou,everyoneelseissaltines,evenCam.AndIhatesaltines.Youknowthat.Youknoweverythingaboutme,eventhis,whichisthatIreallyloveyou.”
Iwaited,standinginfrontofhim.Iwasoutofbreath.Ifeltlikemyheartwouldexplode,itwassofull.Ipulledmyhairintoaponytailwithmyhandandhelditlikethat,stillwaitingforhimtosaysomething,anything.
Itfeltlikeathousandyearsbeforehespoke.
“Wellyoushouldn’t.I’mnottheone.Sorry.”
Andthatwasallhesaid.Iletoutabigbreathofairandstaredathim.“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Isaid.“Youlikemetoo;Iknowit.”I’dseenthewayhe’dlookedatmewhenIwaswithCam,I’dseenitwithmyowntwoeyes.
“Notthewayyouwantmeto,”hesaid.Hesighed,andinthissadway,likehefeltsorryforme,hesaid,“You’restillsuchakid,Belly.”
“I’mnotakidanymore!YoujustwishIwas,sothatwayyouwouldn’thavetodealwithanyofit.That’swhyyou’vebeenmadatmethiswholesummer,”Isaid,myvoicegettinglouder.“Youdolikeme.Admitit.”
“You’recrazy,”hesaid,laughingalittleashewalkedawayfromme.
Butnotthistime.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimoffthehookthateasily.IwassickandtiredofhisbroodingJamesDeanroutine.Hehadfeelingsforme.Iknewit.Iwasgoingtomakehimsayit.
Igrabbedhisshirtsleeve.“Admitit.YouweremadwhenIstartedhangingoutwithCam.Youwantedmetostillbeyourlittleadmirer.”
“What?”Heshookmeoff.“Getyourheadoutofyourass,Belly.Theworlddoesn’trevolvearoundyou.”
Mycheeksflamedbrightred;Icouldfeeltheheatbeneathmyskin.Itwaslikeasunburntimesamillion.“Yes,exactly,becausetheworldrevolvesaroundyou,right?”
“Youhavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”Therewasawarninginhisvoice,butIdidn’tstoptolisten.Iwastoomad.IwasfinallysayingwhatIreallythought,andtherewasnoturningbacknow.
Ikeptgettinginhisface.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimwalkawayfromme,notthistime.“Youjustwanttokeepmeonthishook,right?SoI’llkeepchasingafteryouandyoucanfeelgoodaboutyourself.AssoonasIstarttogetoveryou,youjustreelmebackin.You’resoscrewedupinthehead.ButI’mtellingyou,Conrad,thisisit.”
Hesnapped,“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
MyhairwhippedaroundmyfaceasIspunaroundtowalkbackward,facinghim.“Thisisit.Youdon’tgettohavemeanymore.Notasyourfriendoryouradmireroranything.I’mthrough.”
Hismouthtwisted.“Whatdoyouwantfromme?Youhaveyourlittleboyfriendtoplaywithnow,remember?”
Ishookmyheadandbackedawayfromhim.“It’snotlikethat,”Isaid.He’dgottenitallwrong.Thatwasn’twhatIwastryingtodo.He’dbeentheonestringingmealong,like,mywholelife.HeknewhowIfelt,andheletmelovehim.Hewantedmeto.
Hesteppedclosertome.“Oneminuteyoulikeme.ThenCam…”Conradpaused.“AndthenJeremiah.Isn’tthatright?Youwanttohaveyourcakeandeatittoo,butyoualsowantyourcookies,andyouricecream…”
“Shutup!”Iyelled.
“You’retheonewho’sbeenplayinggames,Belly.”Hewastryingtosoundcasual,offhand,buthisbodywastense,likeeverymusclewasastightashisstupidguitarstrings.
“You’vebeenanassallsummer.Allyouthinkaboutisyourself.Soyourparentsaregettingdivorced!Sowhat?People’sparentsgetdivorced.It’snotanexcusetotreatpeoplelikecrap!”
Hesnappedhisheadawayfromme.“Shutyourmouth,”hesaid,andhisjawtwitched.Ihadfinallydoneit.Iwasgettingtohim.
“Susannahwascryingtheotherdaybecauseofyou—shecouldbarelygetoutofbed!Doyouevencare?Doyouevenknowhowselfishyouare?”
Conradsteppedupclosetome,socloseourfaceswerenearlytouching,likehemighteitherhitmeorkissme.Icouldhearmyheartpoundinginmyears.IwassomadIalmostwishedhe’dhitme.Iknewhe’dneverdoit,notinamillionyears.Hegrabbedmyarmsandshookme,andthenheletgojustassuddenly.Icouldfeeltearsbuildingup,becauseforasecondthere,Ithoughthemight.
Kissme.
IwascryingwhenJeremiahwalkedup.He’dbeenatworklifeguarding;hishairwasstillwet.Ididn’tevenhearhiscarpullup.Hetookonelookatthetwoofus,andheknewsomethingbadwashappening.Healmostlookedscared.Andthenhejustlookedfurious.Hesaid,“Whatthehellisgoingon?Conrad,what’syourproblem?”
Conradglaredathim.“Justkeepherawayfromme.I’mnotinthemoodtodealwithanyofthis.”
Iflinched.Itwaslikehereallyhadhitme.Itwasworsethanthat.
Hestartedtowalkaway,andJeremiahgrabbedhisarm.“Youneedtostartdealingwiththis,man.You’reactinglikeajerk.Quittakingyourangeroutoneverybodyelse.LeaveBellyalone.”
Ishivered.Wasthisbecauseofme?Allsummer,Conrad’smoodiness,lockinghimselfupinhisroom—haditreallybeenbecauseofme?Wasitmorethanjusthisparentsdivorcing?Hadhebeenthatupsetoverseeingmewithsomeoneelse?
Conradtriedtoshrughimoff.“Whydon’tyouleavemealone?Howaboutwetrythatinstead?”
ButJeremiahwouldn’tletgo.Hesaid,“We’vebeenleavingyoualone.We’veleftyoualonethiswholesummer,gettingdrunkandsulkinglikealittlekid.You’resupposedtobetheolderone,right?Thebigbrother?Actlikeit,dumbass.Freakingmanupandhandleyourbusiness.”
“Getoutofmyface,”Conradgrowled.
“No.”Jeremiahsteppedcloser,untiltheirfaceswereinchesapart,justlikeourshadbeennotfifteenminutesbefore.
InadangerousvoiceConradsaid,“I’mwarningyou,Jeremiah.”
Thetwoofthemwereliketwoangrydogs,growlingandspittingandcirclingeachother.They’dforgottenIwasthere.IfeltlikeIwaswatchingsomethingIshouldn’t,likeIwasspying.Iwantedtoputmyhandsovermyears.They’dneverbeenlikethiswitheachotherinallthetimeI’dknownthem.Theymighthaveargued,butithadneverbeenlikethis,notonce.IknewIshouldleave,butIcouldn’tbringmyselftodoit.Ijuststoodthereontheperiphery,holdingmyarmsclosetomychest.
“You’rejustlikeDad,youknowthat?”Jeremiahshouted.
That’swhenIknewithadnothingtodowithme.ThiswasbiggerthananythingIcouldbeapartof.ThiswassomethingIknewnothingabout.
ConradpushedJeremiahawayroughly,andJeremiahpushedhimback.Conradstumbledandnearlyfell,andwhenheroseup,hepunchedJeremiahrightintheface.IthinkIscreamed.Thentheywerewrestlingaround,grabbingateachother,hittingandcursingandbreathingheavy.TheyknockedoverSusannah’sbigglassjarofsuntea,anditcrackedopen.Teaspilledoutallovertheporch.Therewasbloodonthesand.Ididn’tknowwhoseitwas.
Theykeptfighting,fightingoverthebrokenglass,eventhoughJeremiahwasabouttolosehisflip-flops.AfewtimesIsaid,“Stop!”buttheycouldn’thearme.Theylookedalike.I’dnevernoticedhowaliketheylooked.Butrightthentheylookedlikebrothers.Theykeptstrugglinguntilsuddenly,inthemidstofitall,mymotherwasthere.Iguessedshe’dcomethroughtheotherscreendoor.Idon’tknow—shewasjustthere.Shebrokethetwoofthemapartwiththisincrediblekindofbrutestrength,thekindonlymothershave.
Sheheldthemapartwithahandoneachoftheirchests.“Youtwoneedtostop,”shesaid,andinsteadofsoundingmad,shesoundedsosad.Shesoundedlikeshemightcry,andmymothernevercried.
Theywerebreathinghard,notlookingateachother,buttheywereconnected,thethreeofthem.TheyunderstoodsomethingIdidn’t.Iwasjuststandingthereontheperiphery,bearingwitnesstoitall.ItwaslikethetimeIwenttochurchwithTaylor,andeveryoneelseknewallthewordstothesongs,butIdidn’t.Theyliftedtheirarmsintheairandswayedandkneweverywordbyheart,andIfeltlikeanintruder.
“Youknow,don’tyou?”mymothersaid,herhandscrumplingawayfromthem.
Jeremiahsuckedinhisbreath,andIknewhewasholdingitin,tryingnottocry.Hisfacewasalreadystartingtobruise.Conrad,though,hisfacewasindifferent,detached.Likehewasn’tthere.
Untilhisfacesortofopenedup,andsuddenlyhelookedabouteightyearsold.Ilookedbehindme,andtherewasSusannahstandinginthedoorway.Shewaswearingherwhitecottonhousedress,andshelookedsofrailstandingthere.“I’msorry,”shesaid,liftingherhandsuphelplessly.
Shesteppedtowardtheboys,hesitant,andmymotherbackedaway.SusannahheldoutherarmsandJeremiahfellrightin,andeventhoughhewassomuchbiggerthanshewas,helookedsmall.Bloodfromhisfacesmearedoverthefrontofherdress,buttheydidn’tpullaway.HecriedlikeIhadn’theardhimcrysinceConradhadaccidentallyclosedthecardooronhishandyearsandyearsago.ConradhadcriedjustashardasJeremiahhadthatday,butthisdayhedidn’t.HeletSusannahtouchhishair,buthedidn’tcry.
“Belly,let’sgo,”mymothersaid,takingmyhand.Shehadn’tdonethatinaverylongtime.Likealittlekid,Ifollowedherinside.Wewentupstairs,toherroom.Sheclosedthedoorandsatdownonthebed.Isatdownnexttoher.
“What’shappening?”Iaskedher,faltering,searchingherfaceforsomekindofanswer.
Shetookmyhandsandputtheminhers.Sheheldthemtight,likeshewastheoneholdingontomeandnottheotherwayaround.Shesaid,“Belly,Susannah’ssickagain.”
Iclosedmyeyes.Icouldheartheoceanroaringallaroundme;itwaslikeholdingaconchshelluptomyearreallyclose.Itwasn’ttrue.Itwasn’ttrue.Iwasanywherebutthere,inthatmoment.Iwasswimmingunderacanopyofstars;Iwasatschool,sittinginmathclass;onmybike,onthetrailbehindourhouse.Iwasn’tthere.Thiswasn’thappening.
“Oh,bean,”mymothersighed.“Ineedyoutoopenyoureyes.Ineedyoutohearme.”
Iwouldn’topenthem;Iwouldn’tlisten.Iwasn’teventhere.
“She’ssick.Shehasbeenforalongtime.Thecancercameback.Andit’s—it’saggressive.It’sspreadtoherliver.”
Iopenedmyeyesandsnatchedmyhandsawayfromher.“Stoptalking.She’snotsick.She’sfine.She’sstillSusannah.”MyfacewaswetandIdidn’tevenknowwhenIhadstartedtocry.
Mymothernodded,wetherlips.“You’reright.She’sstillSusannah.Shedoesthingsherway.Shedidn’twantyoukidstoknow.Shewantedthissummertobe—perfect.”Hervoicecaughtontheword“perfect.”Likearuninastocking,itcaught,andshehadtearsinhereyestoo.
Shepulledmetoher,heldmeagainstherchestandrockedme.AndIlether.
“Buttheydidknow,”Iwhimpered.“Everybodyknewbutme.I’mtheonlyonewhodidn’tknow,andIloveSusannahmorethananybody.”
Whichwasn’ttrue,Iknewthat.JeremiahandConrad,theylovedherbestofall.Butitfelttrue.Iwantedtotellmymotherthatitdidn’tmatteranyway,Susannahhadhadcancerlasttimeandshe’dbeenfine.She’dbefineagain.ButifIsaiditoutloud,itwouldbelikeadmittingthatshereallydidhavecancer,thatthisreallywashappening.AndIcouldn’t.
ThatnightIlayinbedandcried.Mywholebodyached.Iopenedallthewindowsinmyroomandlayinthedark,justlisteningtotheocean.Iwishedthetidewouldcarrymeoutandneverbringmeback.IwonderedifthatwashowConradfelt,howJeremiahfelt.Howmymotherfelt.
Itfeltliketheworldwasendingandnothingwouldeverbethesameagain.Itwas,anditwouldn’t.
chapterforty-three
Whenwewerelittleandthehousewasfull,fullofpeoplelikemyfatherandMr.Fisherandotherfriends,JeremiahandIwouldshareabedandsowouldConradandSteven.Mymotherwouldcomeandtuckusin.Theboyswouldpretendtheyweretoooldforit,butIknewtheylikeditjustasmuchasIdid.Itwasthatfeelingofbeingsnugasabuginarug,cuddlyasaburrito.I’dlieinbedandlistentothemusicdriftingupthestepsfromdownstairs,andJeremiahandIwouldwhisperscarystoriestoeachothertillwefellasleep.Healwaysfellasleepfirst.I’dtrytopinchhimawake,butitneverworked.ThelasttimethathappenedmighthavebeenthelasttimeIeverfeltreally,reallysafeintheworld.Likeallwasrightandsound.
Thenightoftheboys’fight,IknockedonJeremiah’sdoor.“Comein,”hesaid.
Hewaslyinginbedstaringattheceilingwithhishandsclaspedbehindhishead.Hischeekswerewetandhiseyeslookedwetandred.Hisrighteyewaspurpleygray,anditwasalreadyswellingup.Assoonashesawme,herubbedhiseyeswiththebackofhishand.
“Hey,”Isaid.“CanIcomein?”
Hesatup.“Yeah,okay.”
Iwalkedovertohimandsatontheedgeofthebedwithmybackpushedupagainstthewall.“I’msorry,”Ibegan.I’dbeenpracticingwhatIwouldsay,howIwouldsayit,sohewouldknowhowsorryIwas.Foreverything.ButthenIstartedtocryandruinedit.
Hereachedoverandkneadedmyshoulderawkwardly.Hecouldnotlookatme,whichinawaywaseasier.“It’snotfair,”Isaid,andthenIbegantoweep.
Jeremiahsaid,“I’vebeenthinkingaboutitallsummer,howthisisprobablythelastone.Thisisherfavoriteplace,youknow.Iwantedittobeperfectforher,butConradwentandruinedeverything.Hetookoff.Mymom’ssoworried,andthat’sthelastthingsheneeds,tobeworryingaboutConrad.He’sthemostselfishpersonIknow,besidesmydad.”
He’shurtingtoo,Ithought,butIdidn’tsayitoutloudbecauseitwouldn’thelpanything.SoIjustsaid,“IwishIhadknown.IfIhadbeenpayingattention,itwouldhavebeendifferent.”
Jeremiahshookhishead.“Shedidn’twantyoutoknow.Shedidn’twantanyofustoknow.Shewantedittobelikethis,sowepretended.Forher.ButIwishIcouldhavetoldyou.Itmighthavebeeneasierorsomething.”HewipedhiseyeswithhisT-shirtcollar,andIcouldseehimtryingsohardtokeepittogether,tobethestrongone.
Ireachedforhim,tohughim,andheshuddered,andsomethingseemedtobreakinsideofhim.Hebegantocry,reallycry,butquietly.Wecriedtogether,ourshouldersshakingandshudderingwiththeweightofallofit.Wecriedlikethatforalongtime.Whenwestopped,heletgoofmeandwipedhisnose.
“Scootover,”Isaid.
Hescootedclosertothewall,andIstretchedmylegsoutnexttohim.“I’msleepinginhere,okay,”Isaid,butitwasn’taquestion.
Jeremiahnoddedandwesleptlikethat,inourclothesontopofthecomforter.Eventhoughwewereolder,itfeltjustthesame.Wesleptface-to-face,thewayweusedto.
Iwokeupearlythenextmorningclingingtothesideofthebed.Jeremiahwassprawledoutandsnoring.Icoveredhimwithmysideofthecomforter,sohewastuckedinlikewithasleepingbag.ThenIleft.
Iheadedbacktomyroom,andIhadmyhandonthedoorknobwhenIheardConrad’svoice.“Gooodmorning,”hesaid.Iknewrightawayhe’dseenmeleaveJeremiah’sroom.
SlowlyIturnedaround.Andtherehewas.Hewasstandingthereinlastnight’sclothes,justlikeme.Helookedrumpled,andheswayedjustslightly.Helookedlikehewasgoingtothrowup.
“Areyoudrunk?”
Heshruggedlikehecouldn’tcareless,buthisshouldersweretenseandrigid.Snidelyhesaid,“Aren’tyousupposedtobenicetomenow?LikethewayyouwereforJerelastnight?”
Iopenedmymouthtodefendmyself,tosaythatnothinghadhappened,thatallwe’ddonewascryourselvestosleep.ButIdidn’twantto.Conraddidn’tdeservetoknowanything.“You’rethemostselfishpersonIevermet,”Isaidslowlyanddeliberately.Ileteachwordpuncturetheair.Ihadneverwantedtohurtsomebodysobadinmywholelife.“Ican’tbelieveIeverthoughtIlovedyou.”
Hisfaceturnedwhite.Heopenedandthenclosedhismouth.Andthenhediditagain.I’dneverseenhimatalossforwordsbefore.
Iwalkedbacktomyroom.ItwasthefirsttimeI’devergottenthelastwordwithConrad.Ihaddoneit.Ihadfinallylethimgo.Itfeltlikefreedom,butfreedomboughtatsomebloody,terribleprice.Itdidn’tfeelgood.DidIevenhavearighttosaythosethingstohim,withhimhurtingthewayhewas?DidIhaveanyrightstohimatall?Hewasinpain,andsowasI.
WhenIgotbackintobed,Igotunderthecoversandcriedsomemore,andhereIwasthinkingIdidn’thaveanymoretearsleft.Everythingwaswrong.
HowcoulditbethatIhadspentthiswholesummerworryingaboutboys,swimming,andgettingtan,whileSusannahwassick?Howcouldthatbe?ThethoughtoflifewithoutSusannahfeltimpossible.Itwasinconceivable;Icouldn’tevenpictureit.Icouldn’timaginewhatitwouldbelikeforJeremiahandConrad.Shewastheirmother.
LaterthatmorningIdidn’tgetoutofbed.Isleptuntileleven,andthenIjuststayedthere.IwasafraidtogodownstairsandfaceSusannahandhaveherseethatIknew.
Aroundnoonmymotherbustledintomyroomwithoutevenknocking.“Riseandshine,”shesaid,surveyingmymess.ShepickedupapairofshortsandaT-shirtandfoldedthemagainstherchest.
“I’mnotreadytogetoutofbedyet,”Itoldher,turningover.Ifeltmadather,likeIhadbeentricked.Sheshouldhavetoldme.Sheshouldhavewarnedme.Mywholelife,Ihadneverknownmymothertolie.Butshehad.Allthosetimeswhenthey’dsupposedlybeenshopping,oratthemuseum,ondaytrips—theyhadn’tbeenanyofthoseplaces.They’dbeenathospitals,withdoctors.Isawthatnow.IjustwishedIhadseenitbefore.
Mymotherwalkedovertomeandsatontheedgeofmybed.Shescratchedmyback,andherfingernailsfeltgoodagainstmyskin.“Youhavetogetoutofbed,Belly,”shesaidsoftly.“You’restillaliveandsoisSusannah.Youhavetobestrongforher.Sheneedsyou.”
Herwordsmadesense.IfSusannahneededme,thenthatwassomethingIcoulddo.“Icandothat,”Isaid,turningaroundtolookather.“Ijustdon’tgethowMr.Fishercanleaveherallalonelikethiswhensheneedshimmost.”
Shelookedaway,outthewindow,andthenbackdownatme.“ThisisthewayBeckwantsthingstobe.AndAdamiswhoheis.”Shecradledmycheekinherhand.“It’snotuptoustodecide.”
Susannahwasinthekitchenmakingblueberrymuffins.Shewasleaningupagainstthecounter,stirringbatterinabigmetalmixingbowl.Shewaswearinganotheroneofhercottonhousedresses,andIrealizedshe’dbeenwearingthemallsummer,becausetheywereloose.Theyhidhowthinherarmswere,thewayhercollarbonejuttedupagainstherskin.
Shehadn’tseenmeyet,andIwastemptedtorunawaybeforeshedid.ButIdidn’t.Icouldn’t.
“Goodmorning,Susannah,”Isaid,andmyvoicesoundedhighandfalse,notlikemyown.
Shelookedupatmeandsmiled.“It’spastnoon.Idon’tthinkitcountsasmorninganymore.”
“Goodafternoon,then.”Ilingeredbythedoor.
“Areyoumadatmetoo?”sheaskedmelightly.Hereyeswereworried,though
“Icouldneverbemadatyou,”Itoldher,comingupbehindherandputtingmyarmsaroundherstomach.Ituckedmyheadinthespacebetweenherneckandhershoulder.Shesmelledlikeflowers.
Shesaid,stillinherlightvoice,“You’lllookafterhim,won’tyou?”
“Who?”
Icouldfeelhercheeksformintoasmile.“Youknowwho.”
“Yes,”Iwhispered,stillholdingontight.
“Good,”shesaid,sighing.“Heneedsyou.”
Ididn’taskwho“he”was.Ididn’tneedto.
“Susannah?”
“Hmm?”
“Promisemesomething.”
“Anything.”
“Promisemeyou’llneverleave.”
“Ipromise,”shesaidwithouthesitation.
Iletoutabreath,andthenIletgo.“CanIhelpyouwiththemuffins?”
“Yes,please.”
Ihelpedhermakeastreuseltoppingwithbrownsugarandbutterandoats.Wetookthemuffinsoutoftheoventooearly,becausewecouldn’tstandtowait,andweatethemwhiletheywerestillsteaminghotandgooeyinthemiddle.Iatethree.Sittingwithher,watchingherbutterhermuffin,itfeltlikeshe’dbethereforever.
Somehowwegotaroundtotalkingaboutpromsanddances.Susannahlovedtotalkaboutanythinggirly;shesaidIwastheonlypersonshecouldtalktoaboutthosekindsofthings.Mymothercertainlywouldn’t,andneitherwouldConradandJeremiah.Onlyme,herpretend-daughter.
Shesaid,“Makesureyousendmepicturesofyouatyourfirstbigdance.”
Ihadn’tgonetoanyofmyschool’shomecomingsorpromsyet.Noonehadaskedme,andIhadn’treallyfeltlikeit.TheonepersonIwantedtogowithdidn’tgotomyschool.Itoldher,“Iwill.I’llwearthatdressyouboughtmelastsummer.”
“Whatdress?”
“Theonefromthatmall,thepurpleonethatyouandMomfoughtoverthattime.Remember,youputitinmysuitcase?”
Shefrowned,confused.“Ididn’tbuyyouthatdress.Laurelwould’vehadafit.”Thenherfacecleared,andshesmiled.“Yourmothermusthavegonebackandboughtitforyou.”
“Mymother?”Mymotherwouldnever.
“That’syourmother.Solikeher.”
“Butsheneversaid…”Myvoicetrailedoff.Ihadn’tevenconsideredthepossibilitythatithadbeenmymotherwho’dboughtitforme.
“Shewouldn’t.She’snotlikethat.”Susannahreachedacrossthetableandgrabbedmyhand.“You’retheluckiestgirlintheworldtohaveherforamother.Knowthat.”
Theskywasgray,andtherewasachillintheair.Itwouldrainsoon.
Itwassomistyoutthatittookmeaminutetofindhim.Ifinallydid,abouthalfamiledown.Italwayscamebacktothebeach.Hewassitting,hiskneesclosetohischest.Hedidn’tlookatmewhenIsatdownnexttohim.Hejuststaredoutattheocean.
Hiseyeswerethesebleakandemptyabysses,likesockets.Therewasnothingthere.TheboyIthoughtIknewsowellwasgone.Helookedsolostsittingthere.Ifeltthatoldlurch,thatgravitationalpull,thatdesiretoinhabithim—likewhereverhewasinthisworld,Iwouldknowwheretofindhim,andIwoulddoit.Iwouldfindhimandtakehimhome.Iwouldtakecareofhim,justlikeSusannahwanted.
Ispokefirst.“I’msorry.I’mreally,reallysorry.IwishIhadknown—”
“Pleasestoptalking,”hesaid.
“I’msorry,”Iwhispered,startingtogetup.Iwasalwayssayingthewrongthing.
“Don’tleave,”Conradsaid,andhisshoulderscollapsed.Hisfacedidtoo.Hehiditinhishands,andhewasfiveyearsoldagain,webothwere.
“I’msopissedather,”hesaid,eachwordcomingoutofhimlikeagustofconcentratedair.Hebowedhishead,hisshouldersbrokenandbent.Hewasfinallycrying.
Iwatchedhimsilently.IfeltlikeIwasintrudingonaprivatemoment,onehe’dneverletmeseeifheweren’tgrieving.TheoldConradlikedtobeincontrol.
Theoldpull,thetidedrawingmebackin.Ikeptgettingcaughtinthiscurrent—firstlove,Imean.Firstlovekeptmakingmecomebacktothis,tohim.Hestilltookmybreathaway,justbeingnearhim.Ihadbeenlyingtomyselfthenightbefore,thinkingIwasfree,thinkingIhadlethimgo.Itdidn’tmatterwhathesaidordid,I’dneverlethimgo.
Iwonderedifitwaspossibletotakesomeone’spainawaywithakiss.BecausethatwaswhatIwantedtodo,takeallofhissadnessandpouritoutofhim,comforthim,maketheboyIknewcomeback.Ireachedoutandtouchedthebackofhisneck.Hejerkedforward,theslightestmotion,butIdidn’ttakemyhandaway.Iletitrestthere,strokingthebackofhishair,andthenIcuppedthebackofhishead,movedittowardme,andkissedhim.Tentativelyatfirst,andthenhestartedkissingmeback,andwewerekissingeachother.Hislipswerewarmandneedy.Heneededme.Mymindwentpureblindingwhite,andtheonlythoughtIhadwas,I’mkissingConradFisher,andhe’skissingmeback.Susannahwasdying,andIwaskissingConrad.
Hewastheonetobreakaway.“I’msorry,”hesaid,hisvoicerawandscratchy.
Itouchedmylipswiththebacksofmyfingers.“Forwhat?”Icouldn’tseemtocatchmybreath.
“Itcan’thappenlikethis.”Hestopped,thenstartedagain.“Idothinkaboutyou.Youknowthat.Ijustcan’t…Canyou…Canyoujustbeherewithme?”
Inodded.Iwasafraidtoopenmymouth.
Itookhishandandsqueezedit,anditfeltlikethemostrightthingIhaddoneinalongtime.Wesatthereinthesand,holdinghandslikeitwassomethingwe’dbeendoingallalong.Itstartedtorain,softatfirst.Thefirstraindropshitthesand,andthegrainsbeadedup,rolledaway.
Itstartedtocomedownharder,andIwantedtogetupandgobacktothehouse,butIcouldtellConraddidn’t.SoIsattherewithhim,holdinghishandandsayingnothing.Everythingelsefeltreallyfaraway;itwasjustus.
chapterforty-four
Towardtheendofsummereverythingsloweddown,anditstartedtofeelreadytobedone.Itwaslikewithsnowdays.Weoncehadthisgreatbigblizzard,andwedidn’tgotoschoolfortwowholeweeks.Afterawhileyoujustwantedtogetoutofthehouse,evenifthatmeantschool.Beingatthesummerhousefeltlikethat.Evenparadisecouldbesuffocating.Youcouldonlysitonthebeachdoingnothingsomanytimesbeforeyoufeltreadytogo.Ifeltitaweekbeforeweleft,everytime.Andthenofcourse,whenthetimecame,Iwasneverreadytoleave.Iwantedtostayforever.Itwasatotalcatch-22,likeacontradictioninterms.Becauseassoonaswewereinthecar,drivingaway,allIwantedtodowasjumpoutandrunbacktothehouse.
Camcalledmetwice.BothtimesIdidn’tanswer.Iletitgotovoicemail.Thefirsttimehecalled,hedidn’tleaveamessage.Thesecondtimehesaid,“Hey,it’sCam.…IhopeIgettoseeyoubeforewebothleave.Butifnot,then,well,itwasreallynicehangingoutwithyou.So,yeah.Callmeback,ifyouwant.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosaytohim.IlovedConradandIprobablyalwayswould.Iwouldspendmywholelifelovinghimonewayoranother.MaybeIwouldgetmarried,maybeIwouldhaveafamily,butitwouldn’tmatter,becauseapieceofmyheart,thepiecewheresummerlived,wouldalwaysbeConrad’s.HowdidIsaythosethingstoCam?HowdidItellhimthattherewasapiecesavedforhim,too?HewasthefirstboytotellmeIwasbeautiful.Thathadtocountforsomething.Buttherewasnowayformetosayanyofthosethingstohim.SoIdidtheonlythingIcouldthinktodo.Ijustleftitalone.Ididn’tcallhimback.
WithJeremiahitwaseasier.AndbythatImeanhewenteasyonme.Heletmeoffthehook.Hepretendedlikeithadn’thappened,likewehadn’tsaidanyofthosethingsdownintherecroom.HewentontellingjokesandcallingmeBellyButtonandjustbeingJeremiah.
IfinallyunderstoodConrad.Imean,Iunderstoodwhathemeantwhenhesaidhecouldn’tdealwithanyofit—withme.Icouldn’teither.AllIwantedtodowasspendeverysinglesecondatthehouse,withSusannah.Tosoakupthelastdropofsummerandpretenditwaslikeallthesummersthathadcomebeforeit.ThatwasallIwanted.
chapterforty-five
Ihatedthelastdaybeforeweleft,becauseitwascleanupday,andwhenwewerekids,weweren’tallowedtogotothebeachatall,incasewebroughtinmoresand.Wewashedallthesheetsandsweptupthesand,madesurealltheboogieboardsandfloatswereinthebasement,cleanedoutthefridgeandpackedsandwichesforthedrivehome.Mymotherwasatthehelmofthisday.Shewastheonewhoinsistedeverythingbejustso.“Soit’sallreadyfornextsummer,”she’dsay.Whatshedidn’tknowwasthatSusannahhadcleanerscomeinafterweleftandbeforewecameback.
IcaughtSusannahcallingthemonce,schedulinganappointment.Shecoveredthephonewithonehandandwhisperedguiltily,“Don’ttellyourmom,okay,Belly?”
Inodded.Itwaslikeasecretbetweenus,andIlikedthat.Mymotheractuallylikedtocleananddidn’tbelieveinhousekeepersormaidsorinotherpeopledoingwhatsheconsideredourwork.She’dsay,“Wouldyouasksomeoneelsetobrushyourteethforyou,orlaceupyourshoes,justbecauseyoucould?”Theanswerwasno.
“Don’tworrytoomuchaboutthesand,”Susannahwouldwhisperwhenshe’dseemegoingoverthekitchenfloorwithabroomforthethirdtime.Iwouldkeepsweepinganyway.Iknewwhatmymotherwouldsayifshefeltanygrainsonherfeet.
Thatnightfordinnerweateeverythingthatwasleftinthefridge.Thatwasthetradition.Mymotherheateduptwofrozenpizzas,reheatedlomeinandfriedrice,madeasaladoutofpaleceleryandtomatoes.Therewasclamchowdertoo,andhalfarackofribs,plusSusannah’spotatosaladfrommorethanaweekbefore.Itwasasmorgasbordofoldfoodthatnoonefeltlikeeating.
Butwedid.Wesataroundthekitchentablepickingoffoffoil-coveredplates.Conradkeptsneakinglooksatme,andeverytimeIlookedback,helookedaway.I’mrighthere,Iwantedtotellhim.I’mstillhere.
WewereallprettyquietuntilJeremiahbrokethesilencelikebreakingthetopofacrèmebr?lée.Hesaid,“Thispotatosaladtasteslikebadbreath.”
“Ithinkthatwouldbeyourupperlip,”Conradsaid.
Wealllaughed,anditfeltlikearelief.Forittobeokaytolaugh.Tobesomethingotherthansad.
ThenConradsaid,“Thisribhasmoldonit,”andweallstartedtolaughagain.ItfeltlikeIhadn’tlaughedinalongtime.
Mymotherrolledhereyes.“Woulditkillyoutoeatalittlemold?Justscrapeitoff.Giveittome.I’lleatit.”
Conradputhishandsupinsurrender,andthenhestabbedtheribwithhisforkanddroppeditonmymother’splateceremoniously.“Enjoyit,Laurel.”
“Iswear,youspoiltheseboys,Beck,”mymothersaid,andeverythingfeltnormal,likeanyotherlastnight.“Bellywasraisedonleftovers,weren’tyou,bean?”
“Iwas,”Iagreed.“Iwasaneglectedchildwhowasfedonlyoldfoodthatnobodyelsewanted.”
Mymothersuppressedasmileandpushedthepotatosaladtowardme.
“Idospoilthem,”Susannahsaid,touchingConrad’sshoulder,Jeremiah’scheek.“They’reangels.Whyshouldn’tI?”
Thetwoboyslookedateachotherfromacrossthetableforasecond.ThenConradsaid,“I’manangel.IwouldsayJere’smoreofacherub.”HereachedoutandtousledJeremiah’shairroughly.
Jeremiahswattedhishandaway.“He’snoangel.He’sthedevil,”hesaid.Itwaslikethefighthadbeenerased.Withboysitwaslikethat;theyfoughtandthenitwasover.
MymotherpickedupConrad’srib,lookeddownatit,andthenputitdownagain.“Ican’teatthis,”shesaid,sighing.
“Moldwon’tkillyou,”Susannahdeclared,laughingandpushingherhairoutofhereyes.Sheliftedherforkintheair.“Youknowwhatwill?”
Weallstaredather.
“Cancer,”shesaidtriumphantly.Shehadthebestpokerfaceknowntoman.Sheheldastraightfaceforfourwholesecondsbeforeeruptingintoafitofgiggles.SherustledherhandthroughConrad’shairuntilhefinallyworeasmile.Icouldtellhedidn’twantto,buthedidit.Forher.
“Listenup,”shesaid.“Here’swhat’sgoingtohappen.I’mseeingmyacupuncturist,I’mtakingmedicine,I’mstillfightingthisthebestIcan.Mydoctorsaysthatatthispointthat’sthemostIcando.Irefusetoputanymorepoisonintomybodyorspendanymoretimeinhospitals.ThisiswhereIwanttobe.Withthepeoplewhomattermosttome.Okay?”Shelookedaroundatus.
“Okay.”Weallsaidit,eventhoughitwasinnoway,shape,orformokay.Norwoulditeverbe.
Susannahcontinued.“IfandwhenIgooffslowdancingintheeverafter,Idon’twanttolooklikeI’vebeenstuckinahospitalroommywholelife.Iatleastwanttobetan.IwanttobeastanasBelly.”Shepointedatmewithherfork.
“Beck,ifyouwanttobeastanasBelly,you’llneedmoretime.That’snotsomethingyoucanachieveinonesummer.Mygirlwasn’tborntan;ittakesyears.Andyou’renotreadyyet,”mymothersaid.Shesaiditsimply,logically.
Susannahwasn’treadyyet.Noneofuswere.
Afterdinnerweallwentourseparatewaystopack.Thehousewasquiet,tooquiet.Istayedinmybedroom,packingupclothes,myshoes,mybooks.Untilitwastimetopackmybathingsuit.Iwasn’treadytodothatyet.Iwantedonemoreswim.
Ichangedintomyone-pieceandwrotetwonotes,oneforJeremiahandoneforConrad.OneachofthemIwrote,“Midnightswim.Meetmeintenminutes.”IslidanoteundereachdoorandthenrandownstairsasquickasIcouldwithmytowelstreamingbehindmelikeaflag.Icouldn’tletthesummerendlikethis.Wecouldn’tleavethishouseuntilwehadonegoodmoment,forallofus.
Thehousewasdark,andImademywayoutsidewithoutturningonthelights.Ididn’tneedto.Iknewitbyheart.
AssoonasIgotoutside,Idoveintothepool.Ididn’tdivesomuchasbellyflop.Thelastoneofthesummer,maybeever—inthishouse,anyway.Themoonwasbrightandwhite,andasIwaitedfortheboys,Ifloatedonmybackcountingstarsandlisteningtotheocean.Whenthetidewaslowlikethis,itwhisperedandgurgledanditsoundedlikealullaby.IwishedIcouldstayforever,inthismoment.Likeinoneofthoseplasticsnowballs,onelittlemomentfrozenintime.
Theycameouttogether,Beck’sboys.Iguessedthey’drunintoeachotheronthestairs.Theywerebothwearingtheirswimmingtrunks.ItoccurredtomethatIhadn’tseenConradinhistrunksallsummer,thatwehadn’tswuminthispoolsincethatfirstday.AndJeremiah,we’donlyswumintheoceanonceortwice.Ithadbeenasummerwithhardlyanyswimtime,exceptforwhenIswamwithCamorwhenIswamalone.Thethoughtmademefeelunspeakablysad,thatthiscouldbethelastsummerandwe’dhardlyswumtogetheratall.
“Hello,”Isaid,stillfloatingonmyback.
Conraddippedhistoein.“It’skindofcoldtoswim,isn’tit?”
“Chicken,”Isaid,squawkingloudly.“Justjumpinandgetitoverwith.”
Theylookedateachother.ThenJeremiahmadearunningleapandcannonballedin,andConradfollowedrightbehindhim.Theymadetwobigsplashes,andIswallowedatonofwaterbecauseIwassmiling,butIdidn’tcare.
Weswamovertothedeepend,andItreadedwatertostayafloat.Conradreachedoverandpushedmybangsoutofmyeyes.Itwasatinygesture,butJeremiahsaw,andheturnedaway,swamclosertotheedgeofthepool.
ForasecondIfeltsad,andthensuddenly,outofnowhere,itcametome.Amemory,pressedinmyheartlikealeafinabook.Iliftedmyarmsintheairandtwirledaroundincircles,likeawaterballerina.
Spinning,Ibegantorecite,“Maggieandmillyandmollyandmay/wentdowntothebeach(toplayoneday)/andmaggiediscoveredashellthatsang/sosweetlyshecouldn’trememberhertroubles,and/millybefriendedastrandedstar/whoseraysfivelanguidfingerswere—”
Jeremiahgrinned.“Andmollywaschasedbyahorriblething/whichracedsidewayswhileblowingbubbles:and/maycamehomewithasmoothroundstone/assmallasaworldandaslargeasalone.…”
Together,Conradtoo,weallsaid,“Forwhateverwelose(likeayouorame)/it’salwaysourselveswefindinthesea.”Andthentherewasthissilencebetweenus,andnoonesaidanything.
ItwasSusannah’sfavoritepoem;she’dtaughtittouskidsalongtimeago—wewereononeofherguidednaturewalkswhereshepointedoutshellsandjellyfish.Thatdaywemarcheddownthebeach,armslinked,andwereciteditsoloudlythatIthinkwewokeupthefish.WeknewitlikeweknewthePledgeofAllegiance,byheart.
“Thismightbeourlastsummerhere,”Isaidsuddenly.
“Noway,”Jeremiahsaid,floatingupnexttome.
“Conrad’sgoingtocollegethisfall,andyouhavefootballcamp,”Iremindedhim.EventhoughConradgoingtocollegeandJeremiahgoingtofootballcampfortwoweeksdidn’treallyhaveanythingtodowithusnotcomingbacknextsummer.Ididn’tsaywhatwewereallthinking,thatSusannahwassick,thatshemightnevergetbetter,thatshewasthestringthattiedusalltogether.
Conradshookhishead.“Itdoesn’tmatter.We’llalwayscomeback.”
BrieflyIwonderedifhemeantjusthimandJeremiah,andthenhesaid,“Allofus.”
Itgotquietagain,andthenIhadanidea.“Let’smakeawhirlpool!”Isaid,clappingmyhandstogether.
“You’resuchakid,”Conradsaid,smilingatmeandshakinghishead.Forthefirsttime,itdidn’tbothermewhenhecalledmeakid.Itfeltlikeacompliment.
Ifloatedouttothemiddleofthepool.“Comeon,guys!”
Theyswamovertome,andwemadeacircleandstartedtorunasfastaswecould.“Faster!”Jeremiahyelled,laughing.
Thenwestopped,letourbodiesgolimpandgetcaughtinthewhirlpoolwe’djustmade.Ileanedmyheadbackandletthecurrentcarryme.
chapterforty-six
Whenhecalled,Ididn’trecognizehisvoice,partlybecauseIwasn’texpectingitandpartlybecauseIwasstillhalf-asleep.Hesaid,“I’minmycaronmywaytoyourhouse.CanIseeyou?”
Itwastwelvethirtyinthemorning.Bostonwasfiveandahalfhoursaway.Hehaddrivenallnight.Hewantedtoseeme.
ItoldhimtoparkdownthestreetandIwouldmeethimonthecorner,aftermymotherhadgonetobed.Hesaidhe’dwait.
Iturnedthelightsoffandwaitedbythewindow,watchingforthetaillights.AssoonasIsawhiscar,Iwantedtorunoutside,butIhadtowait.Icouldhearmymotherrustlingaroundinherroom,andIknewshewouldreadinbedforatleasthalfanhourbeforeshefellasleep.Itfeltliketorture,knowinghewasouttherewaitingforme,notbeingabletogotohim.
InthedarkIputonmyscarfandhatthatGrannaknitmeforChristmas.ThenIshutmybedroomdoorandtiptoedownthehallwaytomymother’sroom,pressingmyearagainstthedoor.ThelightisoffandIcanhearhersnoringsoftly.Steven’snotevenhomeyet,whichisluckyforme,becausehe’salightsleeperjustlikeourdad.
Mymotherisfinallyasleep;thehouseisstillandsilent.OurChristmastreeisstillup.WekeepthelightsonallnightbecauseitmakesitstillfeellikeChristmas,likeanyminute,Santacouldshowupwithgifts.Idon’tbotherleavingheranote.I’llcallherinthemorning,whenshewakesupandwonderswhereIam.
Icreepdownthestairs,carefulonthecreakystepinthemiddle,butonceI’moutofthehouse,I’mflyingdownthefrontsteps,acrossthefrostylawn.Itcrunchesalongthebottomsofmysneakers.Iforgottoputonmycoat.Irememberedthescarfandhat,butnocoat.
Hiscarisonthecorner,rightwhereit’ssupposedtobe.Thecarisdark,nolights,andIopenthepassengersidedoorlikeI’vedoneitamilliontimesbefore.ButIhaven’t.I’veneverevenbeeninside.Ihaven’tseenhimsinceAugust.
Ipokemyheadinside,butIdon’tgoin,notyet.Iwanttolookathimfirst.Ihaveto.It’swinter,andhe’swearingagrayfleece.Hischeeksarepinkfromthecold,histanhasfaded,buthestilllooksthesame.“Hey,”Isay,andthenIclimbinside.
“You’renotwearingacoat,”hesays.
“It’snotthatcold,”Isay,eventhoughitis,eventhoughI’mshiveringasIsayit.
“Here,”hesays,shruggingoutofhisfleeceandhandingittome.
Iputiton.It’swarm,anditdoesn’tsmelllikecigarettes.Itjustsmellslikehim.SoConradquitsmokingafterall.Thethoughtmakesmesmile.
Hestartstheengine.
Isay,“Ican’tbelieveyou’rereallyhere.”
Hesoundsalmostshywhenhesays,“Meneither.”Andthenhehesitates.“Areyoustillcomingwithme?”
Ican’tbelieveheevenhastoask.Iwouldgoanywhere.“Yes,”Itellhim.Itfeelslikenothingelseexistsoutsideofthatword,thismoment.There’sjustus.Everythingthathappenedthispastsummer,andeverysummerbeforeit,hasallleduptothis.Tonow.
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chapterone
JULY2
ItwasahotsummerdayinCousins.Iwaslyingbythepoolwithamagazineonmyface.Mymotherwasplayingsolitaireonthefrontporch,Susannahwasinsideputteringaroundthekitchen.She’dprobablycomeoutsoonwithaglassofsunteaandabookIshouldread.Somethingromantic.
ConradandJeremiahandStevenhadbeensurfingallmorning.There’dbeenastormthenightbefore.ConradandJeremiahcamebacktothehousefirst.IheardthembeforeIsawthem.Theywalkedupthesteps,crackingupoverhowStevenhadlosthisshortsafteraparticularlyferociouswave.Conradstrodeovertome,liftedthesweatymagazinefrommyface,andgrinned.Hesaid,“Youhavewordsonyourcheeks.”
Isquintedupathim.“Whatdotheysay?”
Hesquattednexttomeandsaid,“Ican’ttell.Letmesee.”AndthenhepeeredatmyfaceinhisseriousConradway.Heleanedin,andhekissedme,andhislipswerecoldandsaltyfromtheocean.
ThenJeremiahsaid,“Youguysneedtogetaroom,”butIknewhewasjoking.Hewinkedatmeashecamefrombehind,liftedConradup,andlaunchedhimintothepool.
Jeremiahjumpedintoo,andheyelled,“Comeon,Belly!”
SoofcourseIjumpedtoo.Thewaterfeltfine.Betterthanfine.Justlikealways,CousinswastheonlyplaceIwantedtobe.
“Hello?DidyouhearanythingIjustsaid?”
Iopenedmyeyes.Taylorwassnappingherfingersinmyface.“Sorry,”Isaid.“Whatwereyousaying?”
Iwasn’tinCousins.ConradandIweren’ttogether,andSusannahwasdead.Nothingwouldeverbethesameagain.Ithadbeen—Howmanydayshaditbeen?Howmanydaysexactly?—twomonthssinceSusannahhaddiedandIstillcouldn’tbelieveit.Icouldn’tletmyselfbelieveit.Whenapersonyoulovedies,itdoesn’tfeelreal.It’slikeit’shappeningtosomeoneelse.It’ssomeoneelse’slife.I’veneverbeengoodwiththeabstract.Whatdoesitmeanwhensomeoneisreallyandtrulygone?
SometimesIclosedmyeyesandinmyhead,Isaidoverandoveragain,Itisn’ttrue,itisn’ttrue,thisisn’treal.Thiswasn’tmylife.Butitwasmylife;itwasmylifenow.After.
IwasinMarcyYoo’sbackyard.Theboysweremessingaroundinthepoolandusgirlswerelyingonbeachtowels,alllinedupinarow.IwasfriendswithMarcy,buttherest,KatieandEvelynandthosegirls,theyweremoreTaylor’sfriends.
Itwaseighty-sevendegreesalready,anditwasjustafternoon.Itwasgoingtobeahotone.Iwasonmystomach,andIcouldfeelsweatpoolinginthesmallofmyback.Iwasstartingtofeelsun-sick.ItwasonlytheseconddayofJuly,andalready,Iwascountingthedaysuntilsummerwasover.
“Isaid,whatareyougoingtoweartoJustin’sparty?”Taylorrepeated.She’dlinedourtowelsupclose,soitwaslikewewereononebigtowel.
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,turningmyheadsowewereface-to-face.
Shehadtinysweatbeadsonhernose.Tayloralwayssweatedfirstonhernose.Shesaid,“I’mgoingtowearthatnewsundressIboughtwithmymomattheoutletmall.”
Iclosedmyeyesagain.Iwaswearingsunglasses,soshecouldn’ttellifmyeyeswereopenornotanyway.“Whichone?”
“Youknow,theonewiththelittlepolkadotsthattiesaroundtheneck.Ishowedittoyou,like,twodaysago.”Taylorletoutanimpatientlittlesigh.
“Oh,yeah,”Isaid,butIstilldidn’trememberandIknewTaylorcouldtell.
Istartedtosaysomethingelse,somethingniceaboutthedress,butsuddenlyIfeltice-coldaluminumstickingtothebackofmyneck.IshriekedandtherewasCoryWheeler,croucheddownnexttomewithadrippingCokecaninhishand,laughinghisheadoff.
Isatupandglaredathim,wipingoffmyneck.Iwassosickoftoday.Ijustwantedtogohome.“Whatthecrap,Cory!”
Hewasstilllaughing,whichmadememadder.
Isaid,“God,you’resoimmature.”
“Butyoulookedreallyhot,”heprotested.“Iwastryingtocoolyouoff.”
Ididn’tanswerhim,Ijustkeptmyhandonthebackofmyneck.Myjawfeltreallytight,andIcouldfeelalltheothergirlsstaringatme.AndthenCory’ssmilesortofslippedawayandhesaid,“Sorry.YouwantthisCoke?”
Ishookmyhead,andheshruggedandretreatedbackovertothepool.IlookedoverandsawKatieandEvelynmakingwhat’s-her-problemfaces,andIfeltembarrassed.BeingmeantoCorywaslikebeingmeantoaGermanshepherdpuppy.Therewasjustnosenseinit.Toolate,ItriedtocatchCory’seye,buthedidn’tlookbackatme.
InalowvoiceTaylorsaid,“Itwasjustajoke,Belly.”
Ilaybackdownonmytowel,thistimefaceup.Itookadeepbreathandletitout,slowly.ThemusicfromMarcy’siPoddeckwasgivingmeaheadache.Itwastooloud.AndIactuallywasthirsty.IshouldhavetakenthatCokefromCory.
Taylorleanedoverandpushedupmysunglassessoshecouldseemyeyes.Shepeeredatme.“Areyoumad?”
“No.It’sjusttoohotouthere.”Iwipedsweatoffmyforeheadwiththebackofmyarm.
“Don’tbemad.Corycan’thelpbeinganidiotaroundyou.Helikesyou.”
“Corydoesn’tlikeme,”Isaid,lookingawayfromher.Buthesortofdidlikeme,andIknewit.Ijustwishedhedidn’t.
“Whatever,he’stotallyintoyou.Istillthinkyoushouldgivehimachance.It’lltakeyourmindoffofyou-know-who.”
Iturnedmyheadawayfromherandshesaid,“HowaboutIFrenchbraidyourhairforthepartytonight?IcandothefrontsectionandpinittothesidelikeIdidlasttime.”
“Okay.”
“Whatareyougoingtowear?”
“I’mnotsure.”
“Well,youhavetolookcutebecauseeverybody’sgonnabethere,”Taylorsaid.“I’llcomeoverearlyandwecangetreadytogether.”
JustinEttelbrickhadthrownabigblowoutbirthdaypartyeveryJulyfirstsincetheeighthgrade.ByJuly,IwasalreadyatCousinsBeach,andhomeandschoolandschoolfriendswereamillionmilesaway.I’dneveroncemindedmissingout,notevenwhenTaylortoldmeaboutthecottoncandymachinehisparentshadrentedoneyear,orthefancyfireworkstheyshotoffoverthelakeatmidnight.
ItwasthefirstsummerIwouldbeathomeforJustin’spartyanditwasthefirstsummerIwasn’tgoingbacktoCousins.Andthat,Iminded.That,Imourned.I’dthoughtI’dbeinCousinseverysummerofmylife.ThesummerhousewastheonlyplaceIwantedtobe.ItwastheonlyplaceIeverwantedtobe.
“You’restillcoming,right?”Tayloraskedme.
“Yeah.ItoldyouIwas.”
Hernosewrinkled.“Iknow,but—”Taylor’svoicebrokeoff.“Nevermind.”
IknewTaylorwaswaitingforthingstogobacktonormalagain,tobelikebefore.Buttheycouldneverbelikebefore.Iwasnevergoingtobelikebefore.
Iusedtobelieve.IusedtothinkthatifIwanteditbadenough,wishedhardenough,everythingwouldworkoutthewayitwassupposedto.Destiny,likeSusannahsaid.IwishedforConradoneverybirthday,everyshootingstar,everylosteyelash,everypennyinafountainwasdedicatedtotheoneIloved.Ithoughtitwouldalwaysbethatway.
TaylorwantedmetoforgetaboutConrad,tojusterasehimfrommymindandmemory.Shekeptsayingthingslike,“Everybodyhastogetoverafirstlove,it’sariteofpassage.”ButConradwasn’tjustmyfirstlove.Hewasn’tsomeriteofpassage.Hewassomuchmorethanthat.HeandJeremiahandSusannahweremyfamily.Inmymemory,thethreeofthemwouldalwaysbeentwined,foreverlinked.Therecouldn’tbeonewithouttheothers.
IfIforgotConrad,ifIevictedhimfrommyheart,pretendedlikehewasneverthere,itwouldbelikedoingthosethingstoSusannah.Andthat,Icouldn’tdo.
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Iliketosavethings.Notimportantthingslikewhalesorpeopleortheenvironment.Sillythings.Porcelainbells,thekindyougetatsouvenirshops.Cookiecuttersyou’llneveruse,becausewhoneedsacookieintheshapeofafoot?Ribbonsformyhair.Loveletters.OfallthethingsIsave,Iguessyoucouldsaymylovelettersaremymostprizedpossession.
Ikeepmylettersinatealhatboxmymomboughtmefromavintagestoredowntown.Theyaren’tlovelettersthatsomeoneelsewroteforme;Idon’thaveanyofthose.TheseareonesI’vewritten.There’soneforeveryboyI’veeverloved—fiveinall.
WhenIwrite,Iholdnothingback.Iwritelikehe’llneverreadit.Becauseheneverwill.Everysecretthought,everycarefulobservation,everythingI’vesavedupinsideme,Iputitallintheletter.WhenI’mdone,Isealit,Iaddressit,andthenIputitinmytealhatbox.
They’renotlovelettersinthestrictestsenseoftheword.MylettersareforwhenIdon’twanttobeinloveanymore.They’reforgood-bye.BecauseafterIwritemyletter,I’mnolongerconsumedbymyall-consuminglove.IcaneatmycerealandnotwonderifhelikesbananasoverhisCheeriostoo;Icansingalongtolovesongsandnotbesingingthemtohim.Ifloveislikeapossession,maybemylettersarelikemyexorcisms.Myletterssetmefree.Oratleastthey’resupposedto.
1
JOSHISMARGOT’SBOYFRIEND,BUTIGUESSyoucouldsaymywholefamilyisalittleinlovewithhim.It’shardtosaywhomostofall.BeforehewasMargot’sboyfriend,hewasjustJosh.Hewasalwaysthere.Isayalways,butIguessthat’snottrue.Hemovednextdoorfiveyearsagobutitfeelslikealways.
MydadlovesJoshbecausehe’saboyandmydadissurroundedbygirls.Imeanit:alldaylongheissurroundedbyfemales.Mydadisanob-gyn,andhealsohappenstobethefatherofthreedaughters,soit’slikegirls,girls,girlsallday.HealsolikesJoshbecauseJoshlikescomicsandhe’llgofishingwithhim.Mydadtriedtotakeusfishingonce,andIcriedwhenmyshoesgotmudonthem,andMargotcriedwhenherbookgotwet,andKittycriedbecauseKittywasstillpracticallyababy.
KittylovesJoshbecausehe’llplaycardswithherandnotgetbored.Oratleastpretendtonotgetbored.Theymakedealswitheachother—ifIwinthisnexthand,youhavetomakemeatoastedcrunchy-peanut-butter-sandwich,nocrusts.That’sKitty.Inevitablytherewon’tbecrunchypeanutbutterandJoshwillsaytoobad,picksomethingelse.ButthenKittywillwearhimdownandhe’llrunoutandbuysome,becausethat’sJosh.
IfIhadtosaywhyMargotloveshim,IthinkmaybeIwouldsayit’sbecausewealldo.
Weareinthelivingroom,Kittyispastingpicturesofdogstoagiantpieceofcardboard.There’spaperandscrapsallaroundher.Hummingtoherself,shesays,“WhenDaddyasksmewhatIwantforChristmas,Iamjustgoingtosay,‘Pickanyoneofthesebreedsandwe’llbegood.’”
MargotandJoshareonthecouch;I’mlyingonthefloor,watchingTV.Joshpoppedabigbowlofpopcorn,andIdevotemyselftoit,handfulsandhandfulsofit.
Acommercialcomesonforperfume:agirlisrunningaroundthestreetsofParisinanorchid-coloredhalterdressthatisthinastissuepaper.WhatIwouldn’tgivetobethatgirlinthattissue-paperdressrunningaroundParisinspringtime!IsitupsosuddenlyIchokeonakernelofpopcorn.BetweencoughsIsay,“Margot,let’smeetinParisformyspringbreak!”I’malreadypicturingmyselftwirlingwithapistachiomacaroninonehandandaraspberryoneintheother.
Margot’seyeslightup.“DoyouthinkDaddywillletyou?”
“Sure,it’sculture.He’llhavetoletme.”Butit’struethatI’veneverflownbymyselfbefore.AndalsoI’veneverevenleftthecountrybefore.WouldMargotmeetmeattheairport,orwouldIhavetofindmyownwaytothehostel?
Joshmustseethesuddenworryonmyfacebecausehesays,“Don’tworry.YourdadwilldefinitelyletyougoifI’mwithyou.”
Ibrighten.“Yeah!Wecanstayathostelsandjusteatpastriesandcheeseforallourmeals.”
“WecangotoJimMorrison’sgrave!”Joshthrowsin.
“Wecangotoaparfumerieandgetourpersonalscentsdone!”Icheer,andJoshsnorts.
“Um,I’mprettysure‘gettingourscentsdone’ataparfumeriewouldcostthesameasaweek’sstayatthehostel,”hesays.HenudgesMargot.“Yoursistersuffersfromdelusionsofgrandeur.”
“Sheisthefanciestofthethreeofus,”Margotagrees.
“Whataboutme?”Kittywhimpers.
“You?”Iscoff.“You’retheleastfancySonggirl.Ihavetobegyoutowashyourfeetatnight,muchlesstakeashower.”
Kitty’sfacegetspinchedandred.“Iwasn’ttalkingaboutthat,youdodobird.IwastalkingaboutParis.”
Airily,Iwaveheroff.“You’retoolittletostayatahostel.”
ShecrawlsovertoMargotandclimbsinherlap,eventhoughshe’snineandnineistoobigtositinpeople’slaps.“Margot,you’llletmego,won’tyou?”
“Maybeitcouldbeafamilyvacation,”Margotsays,kissinghercheek.“YouandLaraJeanandDaddycouldallcome.”
Ifrown.That’snotatalltheParistripIwasimagining.OverKitty’sheadJoshmouthstome,We’lltalklater,andIgivehimadiscreetthumbs-up.
***
It’slaterthatnight;Joshislonggone.Kittyandourdadareasleep.Weareinthekitchen.Margotisatthetableonhercomputer;Iamsittingnexttoher,rollingcookiedoughintoballsanddroppingthemincinnamonandsugar.SnickerdoodlestogetbackinKitty’sgoodgraces.Earlier,whenIwentintosaygoodnight,Kittyrolledoverandwouldn’tspeaktomebecauseshe’sstillconvincedI’mgoingtotrytocutheroutoftheParistrip.Myplanistoputthesnickerdoodlesonaplaterightnexttoherpillowsoshewakesuptothesmelloffresh-bakedcookies.
Margot’sbeingextraquiet,andthen,outofnowhere,shelooksupfromhercomputerandsays,“IbrokeupwithJoshtonight.Afterdinner.”
Mycookie-doughballfallsoutofmyfingersandintothesugarbowl.
“Imean,itwastime,”shesays.Hereyesaren’tred-rimmed;shehasn’tbeencrying,Idon’tthink.Hervoiceiscalmandeven.Anyonelookingatherwouldthinkshewasfine.BecauseMargotisalwaysfine,evenwhenshe’snot.
“Idon’tseewhyyouhadtobreakup,”Isay.“Just’causeyou’regoingtocollegedoesn’tmeanyouhavetobreakup.”
“LaraJean,I’mgoingtoScotland,notUVA.SaintAndrewsisnearlyfourthousandmilesaway.”Shepushesupherglasses.“Whatwouldbethepoint?”
Ican’tevenbelieveshewouldsaythat.“Thepointis,it’sJosh.Joshwholovesyoumorethananyboyhaseverlovedagirl!”
Margotrollshereyesatthis.ShethinksI’mbeingdramatic,butI’mnot.It’strue—that’showmuchJoshlovesMargot.Hewouldneversomuchaslookatanothergirl.
Suddenlyshesays,“DoyouknowwhatMommytoldmeonce?”
“What?”ForamomentIforgetallaboutJosh.BecausenomatterwhatIamdoinginlife,ifMargotandIareinthemiddleofanargument,ifIamabouttogethitbyacar,IwillalwaysstopandlistentoastoryaboutMommy.Anydetail,anyremembrancethatMargothas,Iwanttohaveittoo.I’mbetteroffthanKitty,though.Kittydoesn’thaveonememoryofMommythatwehaven’tgivenher.We’vetoldhersomanystoriessomanytimesthatthey’rehersnow.“Rememberthattime…,”she’llsay.Andthenshe’lltellthestorylikeshewasthereandnotjustalittlebaby.
“Shetoldmetotrynottogotocollegewithaboyfriend.Shesaidshedidn’twantmetobethegirlcryingonthephonewithherboyfriendandsayingnotothingsinsteadofyes.”
ScotlandisMargot’syes,Iguess.Absently,Iscoopupamoundofcookiedoughandpopitinmymouth.
“Youshouldn’teatrawcookiedough,”Margotsays.
Iignoreher.“Joshwouldneverholdyoubackfromanything.He’snotlikethat.Rememberhowwhenyoudecidedtorunforstudent-bodypresident,hewasyourcampaignmanager?He’syourbiggestfan!”
Atthis,thecornersofMargot’smouthturndown,andIgetupandflingmyarmsaroundherneck.Sheleansherheadbackandsmilesupatme.“I’mokay,”shesays,butsheisn’t,Iknowsheisn’t.
“It’snottoolate,youknow.Youcangooverthererightnowandtellhimyouchangedyourmind.”
Margotshakesherhead.“It’sdone,LaraJean.”Ireleaseherandsheclosesherlaptop.“Whenwillthefirstbatchbeready?I’mhungry.”
Ilookatthemagneticeggtimeronthefridge.“Fourmoreminutes.”Isitbackdownandsay,“Idon’tcarewhatyousay,Margot.Youguysaren’tdone.Youlovehimtoomuch.”
Sheshakesherhead.“LaraJean,”shebegins,inherpatientMargotvoice,likeIamachildandsheisawiseoldwomanofforty-two.
IwaveaspoonfulofcookiedoughunderMargot’snose,andshehesitatesandthenopenshermouth.Ifeedittoherlikeababy.“Waitandsee,youandJoshwillbebacktogetherinaday,maybetwo.”ButevenasI’msayingit,Iknowit’snottrue.Margot’snotthekindofgirltobreakupandgetbacktogetheronawhim;onceshe’sdecidedsomething,that’sit.There’snowaffling,noregrets.It’slikeshesaid:whenshe’sdone,she’sjustdone.
Iwish(andthisisathoughtI’vehadmany,manytimes,toomanytimestocount)IwasmorelikeMargot.BecausesometimesitfeelslikeI’llneverbedone
Later,afterI’vewashedthedishesandplatedthecookiesandsetthemonKitty’spillow,Igotomyroom.Idon’tturnthelighton.Igotomywindow.Josh’slightisstillon.
2
THENEXTMORNING,MARGOTISMAKINGcoffeeandIampouringcerealinbowls,andIsaythethingI’vebeenthinkingallmorning.“Justsoyouknow,DaddyandKittyaregoingtobereallyupset.”WhenKittyandIwerebrushingourteethjustnow,Iwastemptedtogoaheadandspillthebeans,butKittywasstillmadatmefromyesterday,soIkeptquiet.Shedidn’tevenacknowledgemycookies,thoughIknowsheatethembecauseallthatwasleftontheplatewerecrumbs.
Margotletsoutaheavysigh.“SoI’msupposedtostaywithJoshbecauseofyouandDaddyandKitty?”
“No,I’mjusttellingyou.”
“It’snotlikehewouldcomeoverherethatmuchonceIwasgone,anyway.”
Ifrown.Thisdidn’toccurtome,thatJoshwouldstopcomingoverbecauseMargotwasgone.Hewascomingoverlongbeforetheywereeveracouple,soIdon’tseewhyheshouldstop.“Hemight,”Isay.“HereallylovesKitty.”
Shepushesthestartbuttononthecoffeemachine.I’mwatchinghersupercarefullybecauseMargot’salwaysbeentheonetomakethecoffeeandIneverhave,andnowthatshe’sleaving(onlysixmoredays),I’dbetterknowhow.Withherbacktomeshesays,“MaybeIwon’tevenmentionittothem.”
“Um,Ithinkthey’llfigureitoutwhenhe’snotattheairport,Gogo.”GogoismynicknameforMargot.Asingo-goboots.“Howmanycupsofwaterdidyouputinthere?Andhowmanyspoonsofcoffeebeans?”
“I’llwriteitalldownforyou,”Margotassuresme.“Inthenotebook.”
Wekeepahousenotebookbythefridge.Margot’sidea,ofcourse.IthasalltheimportantnumbersandDaddy’sscheduleandKitty’scarpool.“Makesureyouputinthenumberforthenewdrycleaners,”Isay.
“Alreadydone.”Margotslicesabananaforhercereal:eachsliceisperfectlythin.“Andalso,Joshwouldn’thavecometotheairportwithusanyway.YouknowhowIfeelaboutsadgood-byes.”Margotmakesaface,likeUgh,emotions
Idoknow.
***
WhenMargotdecidedtogotocollegeinScotland,itfeltlikeabetrayal.EventhoughIknewitwascoming,becauseofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegesomewherefaraway.AndofcourseshewasgoingtogotocollegeinScotlandandstudyanthropology,becausesheisMargot,thegirlwiththemapsandthetravelbooksandtheplans.Ofcourseshewouldleaveusoneday.
I’mstillmadather,justalittle.Justateeny-tinybit.ObviouslyIknowit’snotherfault.Butshe’sgoingsofaraway,andwealwayssaidwe’dbetheSonggirlsforever.Margotfirst,meinthemiddle,andmysisterKittylast.OnherbirthcertificatesheisKatherine;toussheisKitty.OccasionallywecallherKitten,becausethat’swhatIcalledherwhenshewasborn:shelookedlikeascrawny,hairlesskitten.
WearethethreeSonggirls.Thereusedtobefour.Mymom,EveSong.Evietomydad,Mommytous,Evetoeveryoneelse.Songis,was,mymom’slastname.OurlastnameisCovey—Coveylikelovey,notlikecove.ButthereasonwearetheSonggirlsandnottheCoveygirlsismymomusedtosaythatshewasaSonggirlforlife,andMargotsaidthenweshouldbetoo.WeallhaveSongforourmiddlename,andwelookmoreSongthanCoveyanyway,moreKoreanthanwhite.AtleastMargotandIdo;KittylooksmostlikeDaddy:herhairislightbrownlikehis.PeoplesayIlookthemostlikeMommy,butIthinkMargotdoes,withherhighcheekbonesanddarkeyes.It’sbeenalmostsixyearsnow,andsometimesitfeelslikejustyesterdayshewashere,andsometimesitfeelslikesheneverwas,onlyindreams.
She’dmoppedthefloorsthatmorning;theywereshinyandeverythingsmelledlikelemonsandcleanhouse.Thephonewasringinginthekitchen,shecamerunningintoanswerit,andsheslipped.Shehitherheadonthefloor,andshewasunconscious,butthenshewokeupandshewasfine.Thatwasherlucidinterval.That’swhattheycallit.Alittlewhilelatershesaidshehadaheadache,shewenttoliedownonthecouch,andthenshedidn’twakeup.
Margotwastheonewhofoundher.Shewastwelve.Shetookcareofeverything:shecalled911;shecalledDaddy;shetoldmetowatchoverKitty,whowasonlythree.IturnedontheTVforKittyintheplayroomandIsatwithher.That’sallIdid.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifMargothadn’tbeenthere.EventhoughMargotisonlytwoyearsolderthanme,Ilookuptohermorethananybody.
Whenotheradultsfindoutthatmydadisasinglefatherofthreegirls,theyshaketheirheadsinadmiration,likeHowdoeshedoit?Howdoesheevermanagethatallbyhimself?TheanswerisMargot.She’sbeenanorganizerfromthestart,everythinglabeledandscheduledandarrangedinneat,evenrows.
Margotisagoodgirl,andIguessKittyandIhavefollowedherlead.I’venevercheatedorgottendrunkorsmokedacigaretteorevenhadaboyfriend.WeteaseDaddyandsayhowluckyheisthatwe’reallsogood,butthetruthis,we’retheluckyones.He’sareallygooddad.Andhetrieshard.Hedoesn’talwaysunderstandus,buthetries,andthat’stheimportantthing.WethreeSonggirlshaveanunspokenpact:tomakelifeaseasyaspossibleforDaddy.Butthenagain,maybeit’snotsounspoken,becausehowmanytimeshaveIheardMargotsay,“Shh,bequiet,Daddy’stakinganapbeforehehastogobacktothehospital,”or“Don’tbotherDaddywiththat;doityourself”?
I’veaskedMargotwhatshethinksitwouldhavebeenlikeifMommyhadn’tdied.LikewouldwespendmoretimewithourKoreansideofthefamilyandnotjustonThanksgivingandNewYear’sDay?Or—
Margotdoesn’tseethepointinwondering.Thisisourlife;there’snouseinaskingwhatif.Noonecouldevergiveyoutheanswers.Itry,Ireallydo,butit’shardformetoacceptthiswayofthinking.I’malwayswonderingaboutthewhat-ifs,abouttheroadnottaken.
***
DaddyandKittycomedownstairsatthesametime.MargotpoursDaddyacupofcoffee,black,andIpourmilkinKitty’scerealbowl.Ipushitinfrontofher,andsheturnsherheadawayfrommeandgetsayogurtoutofthefridge.ShetakesitintothelivingroomtoeatinfrontoftheTV.Soshe’sstillmad.
“I’mgoingtogotoCostcolatertoday,soyougirlsmakealistforwhateveryouneed,”Daddyasks,takingabigsipofcoffee.“IthinkI’llpickupsomeNewYorkstripsfordinner.Wecangrillout.ShouldIgetoneforJosh,too?”
MyheadwhipsinMargot’sdirection.Sheopenshermouthandclosesit.Thenshesays,“No,justgetenoughforthefourofus,Daddy.”
Igiveherareprovinglook,andsheignoresme.I’veneverknownMargottochickenoutbefore,butIsupposeinmattersoftheheart,there’snopredictinghowapersonwillorwon’tbehave.
3
SONOWIT’STHELASTDAYSOFSUMMERandourlastdayswithMargot.Maybeit’snotaltogethersuchabadthingthatshebrokeupwithJosh;thiswaywehavemoretimewithjustussisters.I’msureshemusthavethoughtofthat.I’msureitwaspartoftheplan.
We’redrivingoutofourneighborhoodwhenweseeJoshrunpast.Hejoinedtracklastyear,sonowhe’salwaysrunning.Kittyyellshisname,butthewindowsareup,andit’snouseanyway—hepretendsnottohear.“Turnaround,”KittyurgesMargot.“Maybehewantstocomewithus.”
“ThisisaSong-girls-onlyday,”Itellher.
WespendtherestofthemorningatTarget,pickinguplastminutethingslikeHoneyNutChexmixfortheflightanddeodorantandhairties.WeletKittypushthecartsoshecandothatthingwhereshegetsarunningstartandthenridesthecartlikeshe’spushingachariot.Margotonlyletsherdoitacoupleoftimesbeforeshemakesherstop,though,soasnottoannoyothercustomers.
Nextwegobackhomeandmakechickensaladwithgreengrapesforlunchandthenit’snearlytimeforKitty’sswimmeet.Wepackapicnicdinnerofham-and-cheesesandwichesandfruitsaladandbringMargot’slaptoptowatchmovieson,becauseswimmeetscangolongintothenight.Wemakeasign,too,thatsaysGoKittyGo!Idrawadogonit.Daddyendsupmissingtheswimmeetbecauseheisdeliveringababy,andasfarasexcusesgo,it’saprettygoodone.(Itwasagirl,andtheynamedherPatriciaRoseafterhertwograndmothers.Daddyalwaysfindsoutthefirstandmiddlenameforme.It’sthefirstthingIaskwhenhegetshomefromadelivery.)
Kitty’ssoexcitedaboutwinningtwofirst-placeribbonsandonesecondplacethatsheforgetstoaskwhereJoshisuntilwe’reinthecardrivingbackhome.She’sinthebackseatandshe’sgothertowelwrappedaroundherheadlikeaturbanandherribbonsdanglingfromherearslikeearrings.Sheleansforwardandsays,“Hey!Whydidn’tJoshcometomymeet?”
IcanseeMargothesitate,soIanswerbeforeshecan.MaybetheonlythingI’mbetteratthanMargotislying.“Hehadtoworkatthebookstoretonight.Hereallywantedtomakeit,though.”Margotreachesacrosstheconsoleandgivesmyhandagratefulsqueeze.
Stickingoutherlowerlip,Kittysays,“Thatwasthelastregularmeet!Hepromisedhe’dcomewatchmeswim.”
“Itwasalast-minutething,”Isay.“Hecouldn’tgetoutofworkingtheshiftbecauseoneofhiscoworkershadanemergency.”
Kittynodsbegrudgingly.Littleassheis,sheunderstandsemergencyshifts.
“Let’sgetfrozencustards,”Margotsayssuddenly.
Kittylightsup,andJoshandhisimaginaryemergencyshiftisforgotten.“Yeah!Iwantawafflecone!CanIgetawaffleconewithtwoscoops?Iwantmintchipandpeanutbrittle.No,rainbowsherbetanddoublefudge.No,wait—”
Itwistaroundinmyseat.“Youcan’tfinishtwoscoopsandawafflecone,”Itellher.“Maybeyoucouldfinishtwoscoopsinacup,butnotinacone.”
“Yes,Ican.TonightIcan.I’mstarving.”
“Fine,butyoubetterfinishthewholething.”Ishakemyfingeratherandsayitlikeathreat,whichmakesherrollhereyesandgiggle.Asforme,I’llgetwhatIalwaysget—thecherrychocolate-chunkcustardinasugarcone.
Margotpullsintothedrive-thru,andaswewaitourturn,Isay,“Ibettheydon’thavefrozencustardinScotland.”
“Probablynot,”shesays.
“Youwon’thaveanotheroneoftheseuntilThanksgiving,”Isay.
Margotlooksstraightahead.“Christmas,”shesays,correctingme.“Thanksgiving’stooshorttoflyallthatway,remember?”
“Thanksgiving’sgonnasuck.”Kittypouts.
I’msilent.We’veneverhadaThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Shealwaysdoestheturkeyandthebroccolicasseroleandthecreamedonions.Idothepies(pumpkinandpecan)andthemashedpotatoes.Kittyisthetastetesterandthetablesetter.Idon’tknowhowtoroastaturkey.Andbothofourgrandmotherswillbethere,andNana,Daddy’smother,likesMargotbestofallofus.ShesaysKittydrainsherandI’mtoodreamy-eyed.
AllofasuddenIfeelpanickyandit’shardtobreatheandIcouldn’tcarelessaboutcherrychocolate-chunkcustard.Ican’tpictureThanksgivingwithoutMargot.Ican’tevenpicturenextMondaywithouther.Iknowmostsistersdon’tgetalong,butI’mclosertoMargotthanIamtoanybodyintheworld.HowcanwebetheSonggirlswithoutMargot?
4
MYOLDESTFRIENDCHRISSMOKES,SHEhooksupwithboysshedoesn’tknowhardlyatall,andshe’sbeensuspendedtwice.Onetimeshehadtogobeforethecourtfortruancy.IneverknewwhattruancywasbeforeImetChris.FYI,it’swhenyouskipsomuchschoolyou’reintroublewiththelaw.
I’mprettysurethatifChrisandImeteachothernow,wewouldn’tbefriends.We’reasdifferentasdifferentcanbe.Butitwasn’talwaysthisway.InsixthgradeChrislikedstationeryandsleepoversandstayingupallnightwatchingJohnHughesmovies,justlikeme.Butbyeighthgradeshewassneakingoutaftermydadfellasleeptomeetboysshemetatthemall.They’ddropherbackoffbeforeitgotlightoutside.I’dstayupuntilshecameback,terrifiedshewouldn’tmakeithomebeforemydadwokeup.Shealwaysmadeitbackintimethough.
Chrisisn’tthekindoffriendyoucalleverynightorhavelunchwitheveryday.Sheislikeastreetcat,shecomesandgoesasshepleases.Shecan’tbetieddowntoaplaceoraperson.SometimesIwon’tseeChrisfordaysandtheninthemiddleofthenighttherewillbeaknockatmybedroomwindowandit’llbeChris,crouchedinthemagnoliatree.Ikeepmywindowunlockedforherincase.ChrisandMargotcan’tstandeachother.ChristhinksMargotisuptight,andMargotthinksChrisisbipolar.ShethinksChrisusesme;ChristhinksMargotcontrolsme.Ithinkmaybethey’rebothalittlebitright.Buttheimportantthing,therealthing,isChrisandIunderstandeachother,whichIthinkcountsforalotmorethanpeoplerealize.
***
Chriscallsmeonthewayovertoourhouse;shesayshermom’sbeingabeotchandshe’scomingoverforacouplehoursanddowehaveanyfood?
ChrisandIaresharingabowlofleftovergnocchiinthelivingroomwhenMargotcomeshomefromdroppingKittyoffatherswimteam’send-of-seasonbarbecue.“Oh,hey,”shesays.ThenshespotsChris’sglassofDietCokeonthecoffeetable,sanscoaster.“Canyoupleaseuseacoaster?”
AssoonasMargot’supthestairs,Chrissays,“Gawd!Whyisyoursistersuchabeotch?”
Islideacoasterunderherglass.“Youthinkeveryone’sabeotchtoday.”
“That’sbecauseeveryoneis.”Chrisrollshereyestowardtheceiling.Loudly,shesays,“Sheneedstopullthatstickoutofherass.”
FromherroomMargotyells,“Iheardthat!”
“Imeantforyouto!”Chrisyellsback,scrapingupthelastpieceofgnocchiforherself.
Isigh.“She’sleavingsosoon.”
Snickering,Chrissays,“SoisJoshy,like,goingtolightacandleforhereverynightuntilshecomesbackhome?”
Ihesitate.WhileI’mnotsureifit’sstillsupposedtobeasecret,IamsurethatMargotwouldn’twantChrisknowinganyofherpersonalbusiness.AllIsayis,“I’mnotsure.”
“Waitaminute.Didshedumphim?”Chrisdemands.
ReluctantlyInod.“Don’tsayanythingtoher,though,”Iwarn.“She’sstillreallysadaboutit.”
“Margot?Sad?”Chrispicksathernails.“Margotdoesn’thavenormalhumanemotionsliketherestofus.”
“Youjustdon’tknowher,”Isay.“Besides,wecan’tallbelikeyou.”
Shegrinsatoothygrin.Shehassharpincisors,whichmakeherlookalwaysalittlebithungry.“True.”
Chrisispureemotion.Shescreamsatthedropofahat.Shesayssometimesyouhavetoscreamoutemotions;ifyoudon’t,they’llfester.Theotherdayshescreamedataladyatthegrocerystoreforaccidentallysteppingonhertoes.Idon’tthinkshe’sinanydangerofheremotionsfestering.
“Ijustcan’tbelievethatinafewdaysshe’llbegone,”Isay,feelingsnifflyallofasudden.
“She’snotdying,LaraJean.There’snothingtogetallboo-hooabout.”Chrispullsataloosestringonherredshorts.They’resoshortthatwhenshe’ssitting,youcanseeherunderwear.Whichareredtomatchhershorts.“Infact,Ithinkthisisgoodforyou.It’sabouttimeyoudidyourownthingandstoppedjustlisteningtowhateverQueenMargotsays.Thisisyourjunioryear,beotch.Thisiswhenit’ssupposedtogetgood.Frenchsomeguys,livealittle,youknow?”
“Iliveplenty,”Isay.
“Yeah,atthenursinghome.”ChrissnickersandIglareather.
MargotstartedvolunteeringattheBelleviewRetirementCommunitywhenshegotherdriver’slicense;itwasherjobtohelphostcocktailhourfortheresidents.I’dhelpsometimes.We’dsetoutpeanutsandpourdrinksandsometimesMargotwouldplaythepiano,butusuallyStormyhoggedthat.StormyistheBelleviewdiva.Sherulestheroost.Ilikelisteningtoherstories.AndMissMary,shemightnotbesogoodatconversationduetoherdementia,butshetaughtmehowtoknit.
Theyhaveanewvolunteertherenow,butIknowthatatBelleviewitreallyisthemorethemerrier,becausemostoftheresidentsgetsofewvisitors.Ishouldgobacksoon;Imissgoingthere.AndIforsuredon’tappreciateChrismakingfunofit.
“ThosepeopleatBelleviewhavelivedmorelifethaneveryoneweknowcombined,”Itellher.“There’sthisonelady,Stormy,shewasaUSOgirl!Sheusedtogetahundredlettersadayfromsoldierswhowereinlovewithher.Andtherewasthisoneveteranwholosthisleg—hesentheradiamondring!”
Chrislooksinterestedallofasudden.“Didshekeepit?”
“Shedid,”Iadmit.Ithinkitwaswrongofhertokeeptheringsinceshehadnointentionofmarryinghim,butsheshowedittome,anditwasbeautiful.Itwasapinkdiamond,veryrare.Ibetit’sworthsomuchmoneynow.
“IguessStormysoundskindoflikeabadass,”Chrissaysbegrudgingly.
“MaybeyoucouldcomewithmetoBelleviewsometime,”Isuggest.“Wecouldgototheircocktailhour.Mr.Perellilovestodancewithnewgirls.He’llteachyouhowtofox-trot.”
ChrismakesahorriblefacelikeIsuggestedwegohangoutatthetowndump.“No,thanks.HowaboutItakeyoudancing?”Shenudgesherchintowardupstairs.“Nowthatyoursister’sleaving,wecanhavesomerealfun.YouknowIalwayshavefun.”
It’strue,Chrisdoesalwayshavefun.Sometimesalittletoomuchfun,butfunnonetheless.
5
THENIGHTBEFOREMARGOTLEAVES,ALLthreeofusareinherroomhelpingpackupthelastlittlethings.KittyisorganizingMargot’sbathstuff,packingitniceandneatintheclearshowercaddy.Margotistryingtodecidewhichcoattobring.
“ShouldIbringmypeacoatandmypuffycoatorjustmypeacoat?”sheasksme.
“Justthepeacoat,”Isay.“Youcandressthatupordown.”I’mlyingonherbeddirectingthepackingprocess.“Kitty,makesurethelotioncapisontight.”
“It’sbrand-new—courseit’sontight!”Kittygrowls,butshedouble-checks.
“ItgetscoldinScotlandsoonerthanitdoeshere,”Margotsaid,foldingthecoatandsettingitontopofhersuitcase.“IthinkI’lljustbringboth.”
“Idon’tknowwhyyouaskedifyoualreadyknewwhatyouweregoingtodo,”Isay.“Also,IthoughtyousaidyouwerecominghomeforChristmas.You’restillcominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Yes,ifyou’llstopbeingabrat,”Margotsays.
Honestly,Margotisn’tevenpackingthatmuch.Shedoesn’tneedalot.Ifitwasme,I’dhavepackedupmywholeroom,butnotMargot.Herroomlooksthesame,almost.
Margotsitsdownnexttome,andKittyclimbsupandsitsatthefootofthebed.“Everything’schanging,”Isay,sighing.
Margotmakesafaceandputsherarmaroundme.“Nothing’schanging,notreally.We’retheSonggirlsforever,remember?”
Ourfatherstandsinthedoorway.Heknocks,eventhoughthedoorisopenandwecanclearlyseeitishim.“I’mgoingtostartpackingupthecarnow,”heannounces.Wewatchfromthebedashelugsoneofthesuitcasesdownstairs,andthenhecomesupfortheotherone.Drilyhesays,“Ohno,don’tgetup.Don’ttroubleyourselves.”
“Don’tworry,wewon’t,”wesingout.
Forthepastweekourfatherhasbeeninspring-cleaningmode,eventhoughitisn’tspring.He’sgettingridofeverything—thebreadmachineweneverused,CDs,oldblankets,ourmother’soldtypewriter.It’sallgoingtoGoodwill.ApsychiatristorsomeonecouldprobablyconnectittoMargot’sleavingforcollege,butIcan’texplaintheexactsignificanceofit.Whateveritis,it’sannoying.Ihadtoshoohimawayfrommyglass-unicorncollectiontwice.
IlaydownmyheadinMargot’slap.“SoyoureallyarecominghomeforChristmas,right?”
“Right.”
“IwishIcouldcomewithyou.”Kittypouts.“You’renicerthanLaraJean.”
Igiveherapinch.
“See?”shecrows.
“LaraJeanwillbenice,”Margotsays,“aslongasyoubehave.AndyoubothhavetotakecareofDaddy.Makesurehedoesn’tworktoomanySaturdays.Makesurehetakesthecarinforinspectionnextmonth.Andmakesureyoubuycoffeefilters—you’realwaysforgettingtobuycoffeefilters.”
“Yes,drillsergeant,”KittyandIchorus.IsearchMargot’sfaceforsadnessorfearorworry,forsomesignthatsheisscaredtogosofaraway,thatshewillmissusasmuchaswewillmissher.Idon’tseeit,though.
ThethreeofussleepinMargot’sroomthatnight.
Kittyfallsasleepfirst,asalways.Ilieinthedarkbesideherwithmyeyesopen.Ican’tsleep.ThethoughtthattomorrownightMargotwon’tbeinthisroom—itmakesmesosadIcanhardlybearit.Ihatechangemorethanalmostanything.
InthedarknexttomeMargotasks,“LaraJean…doyouthinkyou’veeverbeeninlovebefore?Reallove?”
Shecatchesmeoffguard;Idon’thaveananswerreadyforher.I’mtryingtothinkofone,butshe’salreadytalkingagain.
Wistfully,shesays,“IwishI’dbeeninlovemorethanonce.Ithinkyoushouldfallinloveatleasttwiceinhighschool.”Thensheletsoutalittlesighandfallsasleep.Margotfallsasleeplikethat—onedreamysighandshe’sofftonever-neverland,justlikethat.
***
IwakeupinthemiddleofthenightandMargot’snotthere.Kitty’scurleduponhersidenexttome,butnoMargot.It’spitchdark;onlythemoonlightfiltersthroughthecurtains.Icrawloutofbedandmovetothewindow.Mybreathcatches.Theretheyare:JoshandMargotstandinginthedriveway.Margot’sfaceisturnedawayfromhim,towardthemoon.Joshiscrying.Theyaren’ttouching.There’senoughspacebetweenthemformetoknowthatMargothasn’tchangedhermind.
Idropthecurtainandfindmywaybacktothebed,whereKittyhasrolledfartherintothecenter.IpushherbackafewinchessotherewillberoomforMargot.IwishIhadn’tseenthat.Itwastoopersonal.Tooreal.Itwassupposedtobejustforthem.Iftherewasawayformetounseeit,Iwould.
Iturnonmysideandclosemyeyes.Whatmustitbelike,tohaveaboylikeyousomuchhecriesforyou?Andnotjustanyboy.Josh.OurJosh.
Toanswerherquestion:yes,IthinkIhavebeeninreallove.Justonce,though.WithJosh.OurJosh.
ContinueReading…
ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore
JennyHan
Keepreadingforapreviewof
BurnforBurn
by
JennyHanandSiobhanVivian
KAT
Theclockonmydashboardreadsaquartertotwointhemorning.
Icheckmycellphoneonelasttimebeforechuckingitonthebackseat.Nocalls,notexts.Nothing.She’snotcoming.
WhyamIsuchanidiot?
Ishouldhavekeptthiswholerevengeideatomyself.Revengeissupposedtobeasolitarything,IthinkIheardthatsomewhere.AndIdon’tknowwhathelpIthoughtLilliacouldgiveme.Hermindcan’tgotothedarkplacesminedoes.She’swaytoopureforthat.Andevenwithwhatever’sgoingonbetweenLilliaandRennie,there’snowayLilliawouldeverbetrayherbestfriend.Actually,knowingLillia,she’sprobablyholdingupherphonesosheandRenniecanlaughatme.Igottooexcited,andnowlook.I’mgoingtobedonebeforeIevengetstarted.
I’mjustgonnagohomeandworkonmyearlydecisionapptoOberlin.That’stheonlythingthatwillgetmethroughthisyear—thethoughtoffinallyleavingthisislandforgood.
Ipullintotheferryparkinglottoturnaround.Thelightsareoff,theplaceisclearedout,exceptforonegirlsittingonthecurb.She’sgotherelbowsonherknees,herheadinherhands,andherblondhairoveroneshoulder.
Ithinkaboutjustcruisingrightpast,butsomethingmakesmedriveover.AsIgetclose,Iseethatit’sthegirlfromthebathroom.
“Bathroomgirl,”Isay,pullingtoastop.
“Myname’sMary,”shesays.She’schewingonapieceofhair.
“Iknow,”Ilie.“Iwasbeingfunny.”Ishakemyheadandstartover.“Whatthehellareyoudoingoutsolate?”
Hereyesarewideandfrantic.“Ihavetogetoutofftheisland.”
“Well,youknowit’salmosttwointhemorning,right?There’snotgoingtobeanotherferryuntiltomorrow.Youmissedthelastoneby,like,threehours.”
Marydoesn’tsayanything.Shejuststaresofftowardthepiers.Youcanhardlytellwaterfromthesky.Everything’sblack.“IthinkI’mlosingmymind.”
Shesaysit,andhonestly,Ibelieveher.Thisgirlistotallyweird.Anyway,IshouldgetdowntotheYachtClub.OntheminisculechancethatLilliadoesshowup,Iwanttobethere.“Doyouwantaridehomeorsomething?”IaskMary,hopingheranswerisno.
“I’mjustgoingtowait.MaybeI’llgetupthegutstoleavebythemorning.”
“You’regoingtosithereallnight?”
“It’sjustafewmorehours.”
“Where’sallyourclothesandstuff?Didn’tyoumovebackherewithanything?”
“I—I’llgetitsomeothertime.”
Thisiscrazy.Girlfriendisfull-onfreakingout.“IsthisaboutReeve?”
Marylowershereyes.“It’salwaysbeenaboutReeve.”
I’mabouttosayScrewhim—butbeforeIcan,IseeLillia’ssilverAudiflydowntheroadandtakethefirstrightintotheYachtClubparkinglot.Ican’tbelieveit.Sheshowed.Sheactuallyshowed.
“Getin,”ItellMary,becauseIcan’tleaveherherealoneinthedark.
“I—”
“Hurryup!”
Forasecond,Marylookslikeshe’sgoingtoarguewithme.Ifshedoes,I’moutofhere.Idon’thavetimetobabyher.Lilliamightnotevengetoutofthecarifshedoesn’tseemewaitingthere.Maryhesitatesandthenshetriestoopenthedoor,butit’sstuck.“It’slocked.”
“Letgoofthehandle,”Isay,andpushtheunlockbutton,butwhenMarytriesthedoor,itstillwon’topen.God.“Justhopin,allright!”
“Whoareyouchasing?”sheasks,asIgunittoclosethedistancebetweenusandLillia’staillights.
Idon’tanswerher.Ijustdrive.
Whenwegetintotheparkinglot,Lillia’sstandingbyhercar.She’sgotonatighthoodedsweatshirt,rolled-uppajamashortswithpinkandredheartsonthem,andflip-flops.Herhairispulledupintoalongponytail.Ithink,fromthewaythemoonhitsit,thatit’swet.Shemusthavejusttakenherbath.That’saweirdthingaboutLillia,shealwaystookabatheverynightlikeakid.Iguesssomethingsdon’tchange.
“You’relate,Kat,”shesays.ThenshenoticesMarywithme,andhergriptightensaroundhercarkeys.
Ihurryoutofthecarandwalkover.I’mexcitedandrelievedLillia’sherebuttryingtohideit.“Sheneededaride,”Iwhisper.“Don’tworry.It’scool.”
“Kat—”Lillia’sgivingmeadeathglare.“I’mnotsayinganythinginfrontofher!”
IguessMarycanhearus,becauseshecallsout,“It’sfine,Icanleave.”Sheclimbsoutofthecar.
IholdupmyhandforLilliatogivemeasecondandlookbackatMary.Isay,“LeaveJarIslandtomorrowmorninglikeascaredlittlebaby?”
“Iamscared.I’mscaredoutofmymind.”
“OfReeveTabatsky?”I’mactuallypissednow.Thisgirlneedstogetabackbone,stat.“Iwon’tlethimtouchyou.”
“That’snotwhatI’mworriedabout.”Marycoversherfacewithherhands.“It’sme.I’mtheproblem.I—Ijustcan’tgetoverit.Ican’tmoveon.”
“Well,yeah.Becauseyoudon’thaveanyclosure.Thewronghasn’tbeenmaderight.Reeve’snevergottenwhat’scomingtohim.”
Lilliashakesherhead.“Forgetthis.I’mout.”Sheclickshercaralarm.Theheadlightsflashonandofflikealighthouseandthedoorsunlock.
Isidleuptohercarcoverthedoorhandlewithmybacksoshecan’topenit.“Don’tleavenow.Youwouldn’thavecomehereifyoudidn’twanttogetbackatAlexasbadlyasIwanttogetRennie.”
Maryslowlyapproachesus.“WhatdidAlexdotoyou?”
Lilliahesitatesbeforesaying,“Hedidn’tdoanythingtome.Hedidsomethingtomysister.”
Yeah,Nadiaandmeboth.NotthatI’mnotscarredoranything.Itwasjustastupidhookup.I’moverit.Almost.
Marysays,“I’msorry.Ireallydidn’tmeantointrude.I’mgoingtogo.Andlisten,IpromiseIwon’ttellasoul.Youcantrustme.Iknowmorethanmaybeanyoneelseontheislandhowthiskindofthingcanweighyoudown.Ijust…Ithinkit’sreallycoolyoubotharegoingtodosomethingaboutit.”Sheturnsaround,andstartswalkingaway,backtowardtheferry.“Goodluck.”
LilliaandIlookateachother.“Wait!”Icallout.Maryturnsaround.“Youwantinonthis,Mary?Helpus…andwe’llhelpyoutakedownReeve.”I’mafraidtolookatLillia,becauseIknowshe’sprobablypissedatmerightnow.Butshedoesn’tsayanything.Andshedoesn’tleave,either.
“Whywouldyoudothat?Youdon’tevenknowme.”
Mary’sstaringatmeallintenseandunblinking,anditthrowsmeoff.Ittakesmeasectorecover.Isay,“Idon’thavetoknowyoutoseethatyou’reatotaleffingmessoverwhateverhappened,like,yearsago.Andhey,itwouldn’tbeafreeride.You’dhavetogetyourhandsdirtytoo.Butwe’dbeinittogether.Thethreeofus.”
MarylooksatmeandLilliaforalongmoment.SolongIstarttogetantsy.Atlastshesays,“IfyouhelpmegetReeve,I’lldowhateveritisthatyouwant.”
Lillia’sdoesn’tmove.Herlipsaretightandshe’sshakingherhead.“Idon’tknow.”
“Thinkaboutit,”Itellher.I’msopsyched,I’mpracticallybouncingonmytoes.“Mary’snew.Nooneevenknowsher,muchlesssuspectsher.Plus,withoneotherperson,it’llbeeasieronbothofus.”Shedoesn’tlookconvinced.Ithrowmyhandsintheairandsay,“Youtrustedmeenoughtocomehere,didn’tyou?Allyouneedtodoistrustmejustalittlebitmore.I’vegotagoodfeelingaboutthis.”
Bitingherlip,Lilliasays,“Sowe’regoingtogetrevengeonRennie,Alex,andnowReeve?You’rebasicallyaskingmetotakedowneveryoneinmygroup.”
Shehasapoint.Maybeyoushouldn’tbefriendswithsuchjerksisrightthereonthetipofmytongue.ButIswallowthatdownandgowithdiplomacy.“Ihearyou,”Isay,nodding.“You’vegotthemosttolose,Igetthat.Sowe’lltakecareofAlexfirst.”Pointing,Isay,“Let’sgoschemewherewe’renotoutintheopen.Myboat’sparkeddownthatway.”
Ileadthewayalongthedockwiththemoonatmyback.Mary’snexttome,andLilliaafewstepsbehind.
Aswewalk,mymindisracingwithpossibilities.Howwecandothis,whatwillbethebestwaytogetstarted.I’vealreadygivenitsomethought,justincaseLilliadidshowuptonight.ButnowthatMary’sinthemixtoo,I’vegottomakeafewquickadjustments.AllIknowisthatIhavetoseemprepared,forLillia’ssake,toputhermindatease.Thatgirlisasskittishasacatinathunderstorm.Onehiccupandshe’llbolt.
WhenMaryasksmeifIownoneoftheseboats,pointingatthesoupedupyachts,Ibarelyhearher.Shehastoaskmeagain.Shakingmyhead,Isay,“Notexactly.”
BecauseIworkattheclub,Igettoparkmyboatforfree.Butnotherewiththeseboats,obviously.Mine’stiedupbackbehindthegaspumpsonanolderstretchofdockwheremybosskeepshisjunkers,thebrokenoldboatshe’sboughtcheaptostripforparts.
“Becareful,”Itellthem.“Theplanksalongthisdockarehalfrottedandthere’relotsofrustednailheadspokingupthroughthecracks.IthinkIstillhaveasplinterstuckinmyheel.Thisjerkpulledhisyachtintoofastandmadeawakesobigthatitrockedmerightoffmyboat.”
“Thatsucks,”Marysays.
Inod.“Andhebarelyevensaidsorry.Richpeopleneversaysorry.”
Lilliarollshereyesbutkeepshermouthshut.
ItakethetarpoffmyCatalinaDaysailer,folditup,andputitinthehatch.It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vehaditoutonthewater.MaybenotevensinceJune,whichiscrazy.Butthethingis,AlexandIwouldalwayshangoutonhisboat,becauseithadafridgetokeepourdrinkscoolandleatherbucketseatsthatreclined,andanamazingstereosystem.Forsomeweirdreason,Ifeelguiltyaboutthis.AboutforgettingwhoIwasbeforeImethim.Thethingsthatusedtobeimportanttome.Fixingupmyboat,hangingoutwithmyrealfriends.IneverthoughtI’dbeoneofthosegirls,thosegirlsthatcompromisewhotheyarejustforaguy.Especiallysometwo-timingwanna-beplayerlikeAlexLind.
“Getin,”Isay,hookingmyfloodlightuptothebattery.Itsendsabrightbeamoutthroughthenight,lightingupthecapsofthewaves.Perfect.
Lilliatakesonesteponboardandfreezesastheboatsways.Thenshehopsofflikeascaredbunnyrabbit.ShebacksrightintoMary,wholooksnervoustoo.Crossingherarms,Lilliasays,“Let’sjusttalkouthere.”
Laughing,Isay,“I’vebeensailingeversinceIwasoldenoughtoturnthesteeringwheelonmyown,forGod’ssakes!Ifeelsaferdrivingthisthingthanacar.”
“IsaidI’mnotgettingonthatthing,”Lilliasnaps.“Eitherwetalkouthere,orIleave.”
Undermybreath,Imutter,“Diva,”unhookmyfloodlight,andthenjointhemonthedock.
Thethreeofussitinasemicircle.
IthitsmerightthenthatI’vealreadywon.BecauseRennie’sbestfriendissittinghererightnow,pledgingtohelpmetakeherdown.AndAlexisgoingtogethis,too.IcouldgivetwoshitsaboutReeve,butit’llbenicetoseehimgetwhat’scomingtohim.It’slikeafreakingthree-for-onedeal.
Istretchmylegsoutinfrontofme.“We’vegottosetsomegroundrules.Firstoff,Ithinkeachofushastoparticipateinallthreeactsofrevenge.Thatway,noonecanbackoutorblamesomeoneelse.”
“Obviously,”Lilliasays.
Ishootheralook,butkeepgoing.“Secondly,wecan’tbeseentalkingtoeachotherinpublic.Ever.Notthatwewould…”
Marynods.“Yeah.Iguessthatmakessense.”
Icontinue,“Infact,Ieventhinktextingeachotheristoorisky.Lillia,whatifRenniepickedupyourphoneandsawmynumber?”
Lillialooksdownatherlap.“NotthatRennie’slike,snoopingaroundonmyphone,butyeah,Iguessyouhaveapoint.We’regoingtohavetobecareful.”
“Wehavetobemorethancareful,”Isay.“Noonecaneverknowwhatwe’reupto.Whatwedotogetherlivesanddieswithus.”ThenIclearmythroat,becausethisisthemostimportantpart.“Andifwe’rereallygoingtodothis,noonecanbailhalfwaythrough.Ifyou’rein,youneedtobeinuntiltheveryend.Untilweallgetwhatwewant.Ifnot,well…consideryourselffairgame.It’llbeopenseason,andwe’llhaveahellofalotofammotouseagainstyou.Ifyoucan’tsweartothat,wemightaswelljustpretendliketonightneverhappened.”
Marynodsfirst,thenLillia.Ismile,because,hotdamn,we’rereallydoingthis.
“Allrightthen,”Isay.“Ithinkthat’sit.Now,wejusthavetofigureoutwhatwe’regoingtodotoRennie,Alex,andReeve.”
“Alexfirst,”Lilliacorrects.
Welookatoneanother.Noone’ssayinganything.
“Sowhatarewegoingtodotohim?”Lilliaasks.
“Don’texpectmetodotheheavylifting,”Isnarl.“Ijustcameupwiththerules!”
Lilliapursesherlips.“Areyouserious?Ithoughtyou’dbealloverthis.Ifiguredyou’dalreadyhave,like,anotebookwitheverybodyyouhateandlistsofthingsyou’lldotogetbackatthem.”Sheactuallysoundsdisappointed,whichgivesmeaweirdsenseofpride.
Offthetopofmyhead,Istartriffing.“Okay,well,Alexisobsessedwithhiscar.Wecouldspraypaintit,messwiththeengine—”
“Notbigenough,”Lilliainterrupts.
Maryasks,“Doeshehaveapetorsomething?Wecouldkidnapit…andkillit!”LilliaandIexchangeahorrifiedlookasMarygiggles.“I’mjustkiddingaboutthatlastpart.Iloveanimals!”
Ikeepgoing.“Wecouldhackintotheschoolcomputerandmesswithhisgrades.MakeitsotheonlycollegethatwilltakehimisJarIslandCC.Hisdadwillkillhimifhedoesn’tgetintoanIvy.”
Lilliasighsandsays,“Idon’tknowhowtohackintoanything,andIdoubtyoudo,either,Kat.Doyou,Mary?”
Maryshakesherhead.
“IthinkIhaveabetteridea.”Istarttobristle,butthenLilliagoeson.“IwanttomakeitsonoJarIslandgirlwilleverhookupwithAlexLindagain.So…howdowemakethathappen?”There’ssomethingaboutthewayLilliasaysit.Leaningforwardinthedark,hereyesarewideopenandcalmnow.Shemeansbusiness.
“Hellyeah!”Iclapmyhands.Ican’thelpmyself.
ContinueReading…
BurnforBurn
JennyHanandSiobhanVivian
?BRADWALSHJennyHanhashermaster’sdegreeincreativewritingforchildrenfromtheNewSchool.HerpreviousbooksincludeShugandTheSummerITurnedPretty.ShelivesinBrooklyn,NewYork.VisitJennyatdearjennyhan.comSimon&SchusterBooksforYoungReadersSimon&Schuster·NewYorkWatchvideos,getextras,andreadexclusivesatsimonandschuster.com/teen
AlsobyJennyHan
Shug
It’sNotSummerWithoutYou
We’llAlwaysHaveSummer
SIMON&SCHUSTERBOOKSFORYOUNGREADERS
AnimprintofSimon&SchusterChildren’sPublishingDivision
1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NewYork10020www.SimonandSchuster.com
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Anyreferencestohistoricalevents,realpeople,orreallocalesareusedfictitiously.Othernames,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsoftheauthor’simagination,andanyresemblancetoactualeventsorlocalesorpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright?2009byJennyHan
Allrightsreserved,includingtherightofreproductioninwholeorinpartinanyform.
SIMON&SCHUSTERBOOKSFORYOUNGREADERSisa
trademarkofSimon&Schuster,Inc.
BookdesignbyLucyRuthCummins
Jacketphotographcopyright?2009byMichaelFrost
ISBN:978-1-4169-6823-8
ISBN:978-1-4169-9917-1(eBook)
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Han,Jenny.
ThesummerIturnedpretty/JennyHan.—1sted.
p.cm.
Summary:Bellyspendsthesummersheturnssixteenatthebeachjustlikeeveryothersummerofherlife,butthistimethingsareverydifferent.
[1.Comingofage—Fiction.2.Interpersonalrelations—Fiction.3.Beaches—Fiction.4.Summer—Fiction.5.Vacationhomes—Fiction.6.Friendship—Fiction.]I.Title.
PZ7.H18944Su2009
[Fic]—dc22
200802707
TableofContents
Dedication
Acknowledgments
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
ChapterThirty-Seven
ChapterThirty-Eight
ChapterThirty-Nine
ChapterForty
ChapterForty-One
ChapterForty-Two
ChapterForty-Three
ChapterForty-Four
ChapterForty-Five
ChapterForty-Six
‘It’sNotSummerWithoutYou’Teaser
‘ToAlltheBoysI’veLovedBefore’Teaser
‘BurnforBurn’Teaser
AboutJennyHan
Copyright
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