The Way I Hate Him (Meghan Quinn)

PublishedbyHot-LantaPublishing,LLC
Copyright2023
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Copyright?2023MeghanQuinn
Allrightsreserved.Contents
Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Epilogue
Excerpt–RightMan,RightTime
MoreBooksByMeghanPrologue
HAYES
“Howgoodareyouatgivinghead?”
Thegirlstraddlingmylap,titsbouncinginmyface,aG-stringbeingtheonlythingonherbody,leansinwithasmirk.“I’veneverhadanycomplaints.”
Iwetmylipsandrestmyheadagainstthebackofthecouch.“Showme.”
Ahalf-emptytequilabottleisonthecoffeetableinfrontofus,saltissprinkledallover,andhertitsarestillwetfromwhereIwaslickingthesaltoff.Limewedgesarescatteredalongthefloorwithherclothesandmyshirt.
And…I’mnotreallyfeelingit.
Fuck,what’shernameagain?
Iknowshetoldme…
Kendall?
Kinsey?
Kaliope?
Shescootsoffmylapandkneelsbetweenmylegs.Beforeshecanundomypants,Iask,“What’syournameagain?”
Herbigblueeyesstareupatme,andsheseductivelysays,“Tara.”
Tara?
Ohfuck,Iwaswayoff.
Asnortpopsoutofmebecause,Jesus,Icouldn’thavebeenmorewrong.
“Istheresomethingwrongwithmyname?”sheasks,sittingbackonherheels.
“No.”Ishakemyhead.
“Thenwhyareyoulaughing?”
Yeah,dickhead,whyareyoulaughing?
“Yourhandstickledmydick,”Isaybecausehell,I’mdrunkandcanbarelyholdittogether.Herbrowrises,andyeah,Irealizethetruthisprobablybetter.“IthoughtyournamewasKendall.Iwasn’tclosetoguessingitcorrectly.”
Herbrowpullstogetherwithdisdain.“WhothehellisKendall?”
“Yougotme,”Isayjustasaknocksoundsonmydoor,andmyagentpopshisheadin.“Dude,”Isay,gesturingtoKendall…Imean,Tara.JesusChrist.
Rubenwinces.“Ihavetotalktoyou.”
“It’sfine,”Tarasaysasshegrabsherdressandstands.“Iwasleaving.”
Mydickwantsmetoprotest,butIdon’thaveitinme,soIwatchassheslipsherdressoverherhead,shimmyingitoverherlargetits.Suchashame.Iwouldhavehadfunwithher.
ButI’lltellyouonething—I’mneverfuckingdesperateforpussy.Ever.
I’mnotthebeggingkind.
Soifshewantstoleave,Iwon’tstopher.
Andfromthepauseatthedoorandtheglanceoverhershoulderatme,Iknowshewantsmetostopher,tobeghertostay.Sorry,notgoingtofuckinghappen.
Ilifttwofingerstomyforeheadandofferasalute,causingherbrowstoturndown.
“You’reanass,”shesaysasshepushespastRubenandleaves.
Yeah,tellmesomethingIdon’tknow.
IleanforwardwithmyelbowsonmythighsasRubenshutsthedoortomydressingroomandstraightenshistie.ThemanisakillerinnegotiationsandthesmartestmanIknow,buthe’sagoddamndweeb.It’snotthefirsttimehe’swalkedinonmewithagirl,anditwon’tbethelast,yethestillhasthesamenauseousanduncomfortablelook
Ipourmyselfanothershotoftequilabutthenliftthebottletoinspectit.Wedidn’tdrinkthatmuch.“Fuck.”Isigh.“IthinkMatt’sstealingfromme.”
Rubenstepscloserandpicksmyshirtupofftheground.Hefoldsitandgentlysetsitonthecoffeetable.“Yourassistant?”
“Yeah,”Ianswer.“Thingskeepgoingmissing,andhe’stheonlyonebesidesyouallowedinmyprivatespace.”Iliftaneyebrow.“Unlessyou’restealingfromme?”
UttershockanddisgustcrossRuben’sface.“You…youcan’tbeserious.”Hetugsonthecuffsofhispaisleybutton-upshirt.“Iwouldnever—”
“I’mkidding,Ruben.”Itosstheshotbackandthenleanagainstthecouchagain.“What’sup?”
“Twothings,”hesays,holdinghisfingersup.“Carltoncalledandwantstoknowwhentoexpectthenextalbum.”Irollmyeyes.
“JesusChrist,Itoldhimhe’llgetitwhenhegetsit.I’mjustfinishinguphisgoddamntour.”
“That’swhatItoldhim,butsinceyou’verecentlygoneviralagain,hewantstocapitalizeonthat.”
“I’msurehedoes,”Isay.“Well,Ihavenothing,sohe’llbewaitingawhile.”
“Notevenasingle?”
“Ruben.”Istandfromthecouchandsnagtheshirthefolded.“Youknowmebetterthananyone,doyouthinkIhaveasingleupmysleeveIcanjustrelease?”
“Didn’tthinkso,butIthoughtI’dcheck.”Islipmyshirton.“WhatwouldyoulikemetotellCarlton?”
“I’mworkingonit.”
“Areyou?”heasks.
“Nope,”Ianswer,pickingupmyfadedgraybaseballhat.“ButIwill.”Afterslippingitonbackward,Igrabmyphoneandplaceitinmypocket.“What’sthesecondthing?”
Rubenhesitates.“Abelcalled.”
ThatmakesmepauseandturntowardRuben.“Why?”
“Yourgrandmafellagain,fracturedherhip.She’sbeenaskingforyou.Shethinksthisistheend.”
“Shethinkseverydayistheend,”Isay.
Rubenkeepsmefrommovingtowardthedoorwhenhesays,“Abelthinksshereallymissesyouandwillsayanythingtogetyouhome.”Rubensighs.“IthinkyouneedtogobacktoAlmondBay.”
Ahh…fuck.ChapterOne
HATTIE
“Thisishumiliating,”IsayasIcloselyapproachtheplaceIgrewup.
“Listen,nooneknowsthatyoufailedyourlastsemester.Wewentoverthis.You’retakingsometimeoff,”mybestfriendMaggiesaysthroughthecarspeakers.“Earningamaster’sdegreeisn’teasy.”
“Sayswho?It’sjustlikeearningyourbachelor’s.”
“I’mtryingtohelpyouout.Whywon’tyouletmedothat?”
“Becauseyou’rebullshittingme,”Isaywithasigh.“God,Maggie,Idon’twanttobehere.”
“Itoldyou,youcouldstaywithme.”
“InyourSanFranciscostudioapartmentwhereyousleeponafutonbecauseyou’dratherhavespaceforyourthrivingbusiness?”
Yup,mybestfriend,Maggie,hasathrivingweddingplanningbusiness.She’sbeenfeaturedinmanybridalmagazinesandisfullybookeduntilnextyear.She’sbeeninterviewedbyafewkeycelebritiesintheBayAreawhomightjustthrowherbusinessintothebigleagues.
Andshe’sonlytwenty-three.
Andthenthere’sme.Notthatweshouldcompareourselves,butit’shardnottowhenIseeherlivingherdream,andI’mstilltryingtoobtainamaster’sinbusinessmanagementbutflunkingout.
WhatamIgoingtodowiththatdegree?Ihavenoidea…manageabusiness?
God,I’msofucked.
“Thefutonismyfriend,”Maggiesays.“AndItoldyouitfoldsout.There’snothinglikeagoodsnuggleatnight.”
“Nothappening.Anyway,Ihaven’tseenMattinawhile.He’sreturningfromtour,anditwouldbegoodtorekindleourlove.”
“Rekindleyourlove…Youknow,I’minthebusinessoflove,andevenhearingyousaythatismakingmegag.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?Fuckoneverysurface?”
“Ew,isthatwhatyou’regoingtodo?”
“Ew?Whydidyousayew?”Iask.
“BecauseMattgivesmetheick.Youcoulddosomuchbetterthanhim.”
“Soyou’vesaid,”IsaywithasighasIturnontoAlmondAve,akathemainstreetofAlmondBay,California.
Population3,239,AlmondBayisontheNorthernCaliforniancoast,rightabovethenot-so-famousbayintheshapeofanalmond.Withonewholestoplightintown,we’rebestknownasthebirthplaceandhometownofthegreatEthelO’Donnell-Kerr.Haven’theardofher?Shameonyou.OnceabrightBroadwaystarnotoriousforherrenownedleadingroleinAnnieGetYourGun,shespentoverthirty-fiveyearsonstageandisnowtheproudownerofourtowninn,FiveSixSevenEight.Theunofficialtownmayor,shemakesitherbusinesstoknoweveryoneelse’sbusinessandthenselectivelyspreadsthenewsaccordingtowhatthenewsis.Nottomention,she’sthecommunityeventcoordinator,thereforeconstantlyputsonplays,dances,andactivitiestokeepthetowntogether.She’sexhausting.
Butmostimportantly,EthelO’Donnell-KerristhematronofthePeachSociety.
IfyoulookatAlmondBayfromabove,theroadsconnectlikeanAandhavefourcornersoneachendoftown.MembersofthePeachSocietyownthesefourcorners.Letmebreakitdownforyou:
Asyouknow,EthelO’Donnell-KerrownsFiveSixSevenEight.Locatedinthesoutheastpartoftownnexttothecliffsthatoverlooktheocean.Beautifullocation.
SecondisDr.ElizabethGomez’sveterinaryclinic.She’stheloving,kindheartedladywhoyou’llfindrollingaroundinthetown’sparkwithanyanimalthatapproachesher.Thenicestofthefour,herclinicissituatedinthesouthwestpartoftown,rightnexttothepostofficeandthepharmacy/doctor’soffice.
ThirdisColeman’sGeneralStore,ownedbyDeeDeeColemaninthenortheastpartoftown.Thegeneralstorehasbeenpasseddownfromgenerationtogeneration,andwitheverygeneration,it’sbeengivenamakeover.Itcurrentlyhasimmaculatehardwoodfloorsandbeautifulshelvingstockpiledwitheverythingyoumightneed.DeeDeesetsthegoldstandardofwhat’stobeexpectedfromthestoreownersintown.
Andlast,BytheSliceinthetown’snorthwest,nexttothedrive-intheater—whichissubsequentlyownedbyallfourmembersofthePeachSociety.KeeshaJohnsonistheownerofBytheSlice,thepizzashophereintown.Knownbestforthedipvarietiesofferedforhercrispcrust,theyrangefromranchtohoneytosomethingatouchspicier.ShehasbroughtinmultipleFoodNetworkshowstotryherpizza,whichhasputAlmondBayonthemapasafooddestination.Wedon’tsaythataroundEthel,though,becauseasyouknow…Ethelisthemainattraction.
ThesefourcornerstonesaretheholygrailofAlmondBayaswellastheirowners.Theydecidewhat’sallowedintown,holdeverybusinesstoahighstandard,andkeeptheresidentsincheck.
AndwhyaretheycalledthePeachSocietywhenclearlyourtownhasgoneallinonalmonds?Becausethecornerstonesofourtown,theholygrailofwomen,arealllesbians,andthat’swhattheydecidedtocallthemselves.
I’mhereforit.
“You’reseriouslygoingtostaywithhim?”Maggieasks,clearlydisgustedwithme.
Mattisn’tthatbad.
Sure,he’shadhisquirks,anditwouldbeniceifheacknowledgedmemorewhenhe’sontour.Andmaybeheforgotaboutmybirthdayonce,butpeoplegetbusy.IonceforgottotellhimhowmuchIlikedhisnewNikeswhenhesentmeapicture,andaccordingtohim,Icommittedasin.Soweallapparentlymakemistakes.
“He’smyboyfriend,so…yeah,I’llstaywithhim.”
“Or,hearmeout.Yougotohisplace,breakupwithhim,andseekrefugesomewhereelse,like…oh,Idon’tknow…HayesFarrow’shouse?”
“Maggie,”Igroan,fiercelyannoyedwiththementionofHayes.ThemomentshefoundoutIlivedinthesametownastheone…theonly…HayesFarrow—breakerofheartsanddeliciousmusician—she’sbeenclawingatmetogoseehim.“HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?Wehatetheman,accordingtomybrother,andifanything,I’mawell-trustedsiblingwhowillhatethepeoplemysiblinghates.Plus,HayesFarrowisagiantdick.”
“Oooo,Ibethehasagiantdick.”Shenevergivesup.“Andtellmethis,ifyou’resupposedtohatehim,howcomeIhearyoulisteningtohismusicallthetime?”
Allthetimeisabitofastretch,but…*raiseshand*guilty.
Imightnotliketheguy.HemightbeoneofthebiggestassholesIknow,andeventhoughhewasbornandraisedinAlmondBayaswell,Irefusetoacknowledgehe’smorefamousthanEthelO’Donnell-Kerr—eventhoughheis—becausewhereshehasclassandpizzazz,hehasabackwardhatandagrumpyscowl.
Butwithallthatsaid,Ican’thelpbutlikehismusic.Hehasthissultry,seventiesrockvibewhichismyfavoritegenreofalltime.HedidacoverofHeart’s“Barracuda”thatmademynippleshard.AndthankstothefactthathelikestoweartheselowV-cutshirtsduringhisconcertsshowcasingtheapparentmuscleshe’sgrownoverthepastfewyears,he’sbecomeatotalheartthrob,fillingupeverysocialmediaplatformwithvideos,pictures,interviews…andthirsttraps.EvenMaggiewasdroolingoverafewcollagesshefoundonInstagram.Tomydismay,sheevenrepostedthemonherstories.
Youcan’tescapehim.He’severywhere.
Clearingmythroat,Isay,“Ibarelylistentohisstuff.”Lies,IhaveasecretSpotifyplaylistofhissongs.“He’soverhyped.Nottomention,myboyfriendworksforhimashisassistant.Didyouhappentoforgetthat?Ifanything,Ilistentohismusictosupportmyboyfriend.”
“Ilikethatyou’verationalizedallofthisinyourhead.”
“Ihaven’trationalizedanything,”Isay,takingarightonNutshellDrivetowardMatt’sapartment.“I’mjuststatingthefacts.”
“Whatevermakesyoufeelbetter,Hattie.”
“Well,I’mgettingclose,soIshouldgo.”
“Okay.Imissyoualready,andifyouneedanything,youknowwheretofindme.Iplanoncomingupinafewweeks.I’llreservearoomattheinnbecausethere’snowayinhellI’mstayingwithyouandMatt.”
Therewouldn’tbeenoughroomanyway.
“Soundsgood.”
“Loveyou.”
“Loveyoutoo,girl,”IsaybeforehangingupandpullingintothebackparkinglotofMatt’sapartmentbuilding—ifthat’swhatyouwanttocallit.It’stwohousesbrokenupintoapartments.Mattmakesreallygoodmoney,buthe’sbeenwiselysavingitratherthanpayingexpensiverentoramortgage.
He’salwaysbeensmartlikethat.Wemetbackinhighschool.He’sayearolderthanme,andwhenhegraduatedandshippedofftoSanFranciscoforschool,Ifollowedhim.I’vebeenwaitingforhimtopopthequestion,andI’mprettysurehe’sbeenwaitingformetofinishschool,which…well,Ithinkweknowhowthat’sgoing.He’sbeentravelingwithHayesanyway,soit’snotlikeaproposalwascominganytimesoon.
IcanstillrememberwhenhegotthejobwithHayes.Hetoldmetomyfacehedidn’tcarethattherewasbadbloodbetweenmyfamilyandHayes,buthewastakingthejob.Mybrother,Ryland,wentonandonaboutthelackofloyalty,mysisterAubreetoldmeIneededtodumphisassimmediately,andCassidy…well,Ican’tstomachthinkingaboutherrightnow.
Andwithallthat,IstayedwithMattbecause…becausehe’smyhighschoolsweetheart.Andyoucan’tfaulttheguyforgettingagreatjobwithamusicianwho,Ihatetoadmit…isgoingsomewhere.Well,Iguessatthispoint,he’salreadygonesomewhere,madeasplash,andislivinginthegloryofhisfame.
Iturnoffmycarandheadtowardthebackdoorofhisapartment.IcalledhimaheadoftimetolethimknowIwascoming.Noonelikesasurprisevisitor.Also,Iwantedtomakesurehehadtimetocleanupandshower.He’srabidwhenheseesme.
Iknockonthebackdoor,andasIwaitforhimtoanswer,Iglancearoundthebackofthebuilding.Evenforanapartment/townhome,it’spristinethankstothePeachSociety.I’veseenDeeDeewalkaroundthetownearlyontheweekendsbeforethegeneralstoreopens,takingnotesinhernotebookofwho’snotholdinguptheirendofthetown’sbeautification.
Itmightbefrustratingforproprietors,butthenagain,thetownisimmaculate.
Thedooropens,pullingmeoutofmythoughts.MattstandsontheothersideinaplainblueT-shirtandcargoshorts.Hishairislongerthannormal,andhisfaceisfreshlyshaved,somethingI’venevercaredfor.
“Hey,”Isay,smilingupathim.
Henodsatme.“Goodtoseeyou,Hattie.”
Goodtoseeme?Uh,kindofformal,don’tyouthink?
Imoveinforahug,buttomyhorror,hepalmsmyforehead,keepingmeatadistance.
Excuseme,sir!
Wedon’tstiff-armeachother.
Iswatforhimtopullmeincloser,buthebraceshisarm,notallowingmeaninchcloser.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskhim.
“Hattie,wehavetotalk.”
Istraightenupsohe’snolongerpalmingmyhead.“Whydoesthatsoundlikeyou’regoingtobreakupwithme?”
Hesighsheavily.“Maybeyoushouldcomein.”
“Matt,”Isay,confused.“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”
“Unlessyouwanttheentiretowntohearthis,youmightwanttocomeinside.”
Lipspursedtogether,myhearthammeringinmychest,Ireluctantlyfollowhiminside.Afterwewalkupthebackstepstohissecond-floorapartmentandenterhislivingroom,heturnstowardme.
“I’vewaitedtotellyouthislongenough.”Hepausesfordramaticeffect—becausethat’sthekindofmanheis.“Idon’twanttobewithyouanymore.”
Well…God,that’saharshwayofputtingit.
Couldn’thehavesugarcoateditabit?
Andwhereisthiscomingfrom?LastIchecked,wewere…content.Sure,wehaven’tseeneachotherinalongtime—he’sbeenontour,andI’vebeeninschool—butwe’vemadelongdistancework.
“IsthisbecauseIliveinSanFrancisco?I…Ionlyhaveonesemesterleft.Imean,Imighthavetodoanextraonebecauseofthislastsemester,but—”
“It’sbecauseIdon’tlikeyouanymore.”
Well,Jesus.
“You…youdon’tlikeme?”Iask,confusedandcaughtoffguard.Where’stheconsiderationformyfeelings?
Heshakeshishead.“No,Idon’t.Ihaven’tfoundyouentertainingforthepastcoupleofmonths.”
Uh…what’sthat?
Didhejustsayentertaining?Pardonme,butIwasn’tawarethatwaspartofmyresponsibilitiesasagirlfriend.
“Entertaining?”Iaskinalow,steadyvoice.Myhurtquicklysubsidesasangerrearsitsuglyhead.“Oh,Iwasn’tawarethat,asyourgirlfriend,mymaindutywastoentertainyou.”
“Don’tdothis,”Mattsayswithanirritatedsighasheturnsaway.
“Dowhat?”Iask,tuggingonhishandsohe’sforcedtofaceme.
“Bedramaticaboutthis.Okay?Let’sbematureadults.”
“Matureadults?Matt,you’rebreakingupwithmebecauseIhaven’tentertainedyouenough.That’snotbeingamatureadult.That’sbeingafuckwadwhoexpectshisgirlfriendtodancelikeamonkeywhenhedemandsit.”
“That’snotwhatImeant.”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips.“Thenwhatexactlydidyoumean?”
“You’vejustbeen…lackluster.Mopey.Andithasn’tbeenfuntobearoundyou.Oronthephonewithyou.”
Myeyesnearlypopoutofmyhead.Mopey?Ishefuckingkiddingme?
“That’sbecausemyfuckingsisterdied!”Iyell.
Tohiscredit,hekeepshisvoicesteady.“Iunderstandthat,butyouweremopeybeforeyoursisterdied,andtobehonest,Ididtherightthingandwaitedtobreakupwithyouafteracoupleofmonths.Iwantedtobreakupwithyoubeforeyoursisterdiedbutwaited.”
Isitbackonmyheels,raisemyhands,andofferhimtheslowestclapknowntoman.“Well,pinafuckingroseonyournose,Matt.Youaretrulyahero.”
“See,Iknewyouweregoingtobelikethis,”Mattsaysashemovestowardthecouchandflopsdown.“Iknewyouweregoingtobedramaticaboutit.”
“I’mnotbeingdramatic.”Ipointatmychest.“Thisisanormalreactionforsomeonefindingouttheirboyfriendofnearlyeightyearsisbreakingupwiththem…becausehefindsherboring.”
“Ididn’tsayboring,”hesays,pointinghisfingeratme.“Wehadsomegoodtimes,butjustlately,youhaven’tbeenfun,andnowthatwe’reolder,I’mafraidyou’resettling,andIdon’twanttosettle.Iwanttobefree.Iwanttobewithsomeonewhowantstodofunthings,travelthecountry,getintrouble.”
“I’vebeeninschool,”Iyell.“Whatdidyouwantmetodo?Skipclasstogostealsomethingfromyourboss?”
“See,that’sthekindoffunI’mtalkingabout,”Mattsays.“RememberthenightwestoleoneofHayes’sGrammys?Thatwasanighttoremember.”
“Andsofuckingillegal.You’reluckywedidn’tgetintrouble.”
“Butthat’swhatI’mtalkingabout,thatkindoffun.”
“Felonfun?”Iask.“Isthatwhatyouwant?Tobeafelon?Becauseifthat’sthecase,haveagoodlife,Matt.Notinterested.”
Herollshiseyes.“You’vebecomesuchasquare,Hattie.”
“I’mnotagoddamnsquare.You’regoingthroughsomesortofpre-midlifecrisis.I’msorryifI’vebeenmopeyandnotfun,butthathappenswhenyourclosestsisterhasstagefourbreastcancer,andyouhavetowatchherslowlydie.Soyeah,maybeIwasn’tfuckingfun.”
“Thankyouforadmittingit.”Hethrowshishandsupintheairasifhejustwonthebattleandisrelieved.
Andforasecond,Ihavethisout-of-bodyexperienceasIstareatMatt,themanIthoughtI’dmarryoneday.Yeah,we’vehadourupsanddowns,andwemighthavebeendriftingapartlately,butIstilllovedhim…butthismanstandinginfrontofme,thisisadifferentman.Thisisn’tthemanIfellinlovewith.
He’scruel.
He’srude.
He’sinconsiderate.
He’s…asMaggieputitsoeloquently,he’stheick.
AndIcan’tbelieveI’mfinallyseeingit.Talkaboutrose-coloredglasses.CassidyneverlikedMatt.Maggiehasneverlikedhim.Rylandtoleratedhim,andAubreetoldmetodumphimbackinhighschool.It’stakenmethislongtorealizewhatkindofcharacterhehas,sowhatthehelldoesthatsayaboutme?
Afteraboutofsilence,hestandsfromthecouch,presseshishandsintoatriangle,andsays,“Anyway,I’mmovingout,soyou’regoingtohavetograbyourstuffandgetitoutofhere.”
“You’removing?Youdidn’tplanontellingme?”
“Idid.I’mtellingyounow.”
Nearlygrowlingwithfrustrationovermystupidityforlikingthisman,Ipushpasthim,stiff-armingmyhandintohisshouldertogethimoutoftheway,andgrabanemptyboxonthecouch.
“Hey,”hebemoansasherubshisshoulder.“Youdon’tneedtogetphysical.”
“ThatwasbarelyontheblipofwhatIcoulddotoyou,Matt,andunlessyouwanttofindoutthefullextentofmyphysicality,Isuggestyougivemetenminutestomyselftograbmyshitandleave.”
Heslowlynods,eyesonme.“SoI’mguessingyouwon’twanttobefriendswithmeafterthis?”
AddmorontothelistofthingsthatMattis.
Moronicick.
Yup,couldn’thavesaiditbetter.
“Friends?”Iscoff.“Matt,I’llbespendingthenextyearofmylifemanifestingtheshitoutofyoulosingyourtesticlesbyaninmateyoumeetonyourfirstdayinjailaftercommittingoneofyourfeloniesyouseemtofindjoyin.”
Hisfacefallsflat.“Don’tyoufuckingdare.”
Ipressmyfingerstomytemplesandsqueezemyeyestightlikeachild.“Thankyou,universe,forintroducingMatttoHomer,theinmatewiththevisegrip,andpoppingMatt’stesticlesrightoffhisbody.”
“Stopthat,”Mattyells,pullingmyhandsfrommyhead.
“It’soutthere,beware.”Itwiddlemyfingersathim.
“Youknow,I’mgladIbrokeupwithyou.You’reallkindsoffuckedup.”
“Ha,potcallingthekettleblack,Matt.”
Withmyboxbackinmyhand,Imovetowardthebedroom,andbeforeentering,Ilookovermyshoulder.“Tenminutes.Getoutofmyface,orI’llcallmybrother,andhe’lltakecareofyouforme.”
KnowingMattisabsolutelyterrifiedofRyland,hedescendsthestairsinahurry,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.
Whatafuckwit.
I’mnotentertainingenough…whosaysthattoanotherhumanbeing?Letalonesomeonethey’resupposedtolove.Thestandardsthesedays,sheesh.
Isighandleanagainstthedoorwayofthemeagerbedroom,staringintothenearlyemptyroom,withjustafewofmythingsontheunmadebedaswellasaboxfullofhispossessions.He’sbeenplanningthisallalongandcouldn’thaveevengivenmeaheads-upasIdrovehere.Mybiggestconcerninseeinghimwasthatheshowered,andnow…thisiswhatI’mdealingwith.
You’rebetteroff.
Youdidn’tevenlovehimthatmucheither.Thepastcoupleofmonths,he’sshownhistruecolors.Hewasn’tthereformelikeaboyfriendshouldhavebeenwhileIdealtwithlosingCassidy.Iblameditonhisworkschedule,wheninreality,Ishouldhaveblameditonhislackofconcern.
Asmuchasmypridemightbehurtingatthemoment,Iknowdeepdownthisisprobablyforthebest.
Doesn’tmakemeanylessbitter,though.Nope…I’mgoingtoridethatbittertrainforaslongasIcan.
Imoveintothebedroom,setmyboxonthebed,andstartpilingmyitemsinit.
Oh,howniceofhim,givingmeallthepictureshehasofustogether,asifI’dwantthereminderofhisidioticface.
No,thankyou.
Itossthepicturesinthetrashandthensiftthroughtherestofthejunkheassumedwasmine.
Somecosmetics.
AbookIboughtforhimthatheneverreadbecauseheavenforbid,hedoessomethingotherthanlookathisphone.
AbrokeniPhonecharger.Pleasant.
Afewpensfromdifferenthotelshe’sstayedat.Whatonearth?Toss.
Apairofhisboxers.Isheforreal?
AndtwoofmyshirtsthatIwillinfactbekeepingbecausethey’revintagerockbandshirts,andI’vebeenlookingforthese.Buttherest,mainlytheboxersandthepens,canbeshovedintohisbox.
Speakingofhisbox…
Curiousastowhatheconsidershis,Ithumbthroughtheboxthathehasmarkedashis.Let’sseewhathehasinhere…Oh…ohmy,wouldyoulookatthat.Thesearen’thisthings.Thesearen’tmythings,no…thesearehisboss’sthings.
AsignedHayesFarrowalbum,hisfirst.Ahatthatlookslikehis.SomeT-shirts.Imoveasidetheshirtsandfindafewbottlesoftequila—unfortunately,adrinkIknowHayeslikestoconsume.Whatisthis?Somesortoffanboybox?WhatthehellisMattdoingwithallthesethings?
Ipawthroughitalittlebitmore,andthenaflashofgold…theGrammy.
Holycrap.
Ipullitoutoftheboxandexamineit.
BestNewArtist:HayesFarrow.
Irememberseeinghimacceptthisonstage.Hewaswearingablacksuitwithawhitebutton-upshirt,thefirstthreebuttonsundone,showingofftheleathernecklacewithasilverpendanthewearseverywhere.Hecombedhishandthroughhishairindisbeliefashestareddownatitandthankedhisgrandmaforbuyinghimhisfirstguitar.
Andthen…MattandIstoleit.
Well,Ididn’treallystealit.Iwasanaccomplice.IheldthedooropenforMatt.Iwasn’tsurewhathewasdoinguntilwewereinthecar,andhepulleditoutofhissuitjacket.
I’vefeltbadknowingMatthashaditeventhoughHayesFarrowisthescumoftheearth.
Eventhescumoftheearthdeservestheirwell-earnedtrophies.
Eyeingtheboxofmythingsandthefanboybox,Imaketheexecutivedecision.ItossmyshirtsinthefanboyboxalongwiththeGrammy,andasIclutchitclosetomychest,Iheadtowardthestaircase.
Therecan’tpossiblybeanythinginthisapartmentthatIcareabout—ohwait,mypuzzles.
Ipauseinthelivingroomandsettheboxdown.ConfusedbytheliquorbottlesMattcollected,Ipullthemoutofthebox,makingsomeroom,andputthemintheboxonthebedIleftbehind.IthenopenthecabinetsundertheTVandspotthreeofmypuzzlesstackedneatlytogether.
Ohnoooo,I’mnotleavingmypuzzleswithMatt.Granthimhoursofentertainment?Nofuckingway.
AndhesaidIwasn’tentertaining.Clearly,heforgotaboutthesepurchases.
Islipmypuzzlesintomybox,thenheadbackdownthestairsandopenthedoortotheoutside.Mattstaresdownathisphone—shocker—whilesittingonthestonewallthatencasestheparkinglotbehindthebuildings.Heglancesup.“Thatwasquick.”
“Itsmelledlikeyouinthere,anditwassickening.ThequickerIcouldleave,thebetter.”
“YouusedtolikethewayIsmell,”hesays,forGodknowswhatreason.Maybehe’sstartingtohaveregrets.
“Well,thingschange.Justlikeyouchangedyourfeelingsaboutme,yoursignaturescenthasalsochanged.Quitemuskysmellingifyouaskme,likeanoldbottled-upfart.”
Hisexpressionmeltsintoirritation.“Onceagain,verymature,Hattie.”
“GladIcouldbeofservice,”IsayasIstickmyboxinmycarandopenthedriver’ssidedoor.“Andfortherecord,”Isayloudenoughincaseanyonewantstolisten.“You’reterribleatgivingoral,youcouldn’tfindmyclitifitknockedyouonthenose,andyourpenisiscrooked,andnotinagoodway.Itfeltmoreliketryingtowrangleabentpencilinmyvaginathangettingpoundedbyabeefysalami.”
“Oh,fuckoff.”Hepointshisfingeratme.“Imadeyoucomeeverygoddamntime.”
“It’scalledfakingit,Matt.”Andwiththat,Iturnmycaronanddriveoff,hissteamingfaceinmyrearviewmirror.
Tasknumberoneofmakinghimfeelinferior,done.
Now,tasknumbertwo…gethimfired.ChapterTwo
HAYES
Iforgothowquietitwashere.
I’vebeenonthegoforthelastgoddamnyearwiththetour,interviews,andpromotionswithallmysponsorsthatIforgotwhatitmeanttositinaquietspotandlistentonaturearoundme.
IarrivedbackinAlmondBayyesterdayandstoppedbytoseemygrandmafirstthing.Asexpected,shewasashappyassheeveris.JustasIthought,she’dluredmebacktoAlmondBay,knowingdamnwellIwasdonewithmytour.Iprobablywouldhavecomebackanyway.Ienjoythecalm,andIneedcalmrightnowwithmylabelbreathingdownmyneck.
WhenIarrived,shegavemehersignaturehugandkiss,andthenwesatdownonherbalconythatoverlooksthetownwhileheraidebroughtustea.Iofferedtograbit,butshetoldmetositdown—andIlistenedtoGranbitchtomeaboutthePeachSocietyfortwosolidhours.
GranhasNEVERgottenalongwithEthelO’Donnell-Kerr.Somethingaboutstealinghermanbackintheday.Shewon’tgointoitbecauseitmakeshertooupset,andGranmakesitapointnottorage—shesaysitbringsontoomanywrinkles.Shealsodoesn’tlikehowEthelclaimsthetopcelebritycardinAlmondBaybecause,asGransays,I’mmoreofahouseholdnamethanEthelcouldeverdream.
ImadesureGranwascomfortable,spoketoheraide,Roseanne,andthenheadedbacktomyplace,abouttenminutesupthecoast.JustfarenoughawayfromAlmondBaytooffermemysought-afterprivacy.
Ipurchasedthecoastalhomeafewyearsagoandrenovatedtheentirething,swappingoutthebrightwhitepalettefordeepgrays,blacks,andgreens,alongwithconcretefloorsandsophisticatedleatherfurniture.Idesignedtheentirerenovation,focusingonbringingdarknesstothetallwindowsandnatureinsidewithfreshplantsthatIpaymybuddyAbelonceaweektowater.Atfirst,hewouldn’ttakepayment,butafteramonthofheadingtomyplace,hechangedhismind.Notlikethemanneedsmoneyasthedoctorandownerofthepharmacyintown.He’ssittingpretty.Buthe’snotafool.He’snotgoingtoperformataskforfreeforoverayear.
HealsokeepsacloseeyeonmygrandmawhileI’mgoneandmakesbiweeklycheckupstomakesureshe’sdoingokay
AlightwindblowsthroughthetallbushessurroundingmyporchasIleanagainstmyblackAdirondackchair.Itfeelsgoodtotakeabreakforasecond,stepawayfromthetour,andbebackinAlmondBay,eventhoughmoretragicthangoodthingshavehappenedhere.Mychildhoodwasn’tanythingachildshouldexperience.
Yelling.
Emotionalabuse.
Abandonment.
Ihadtogrowupsoonerthananychildshould,andItrulybelieveI’mwhereIamtodaybecauseoftheonepersonwhowouldn’tgiveuponme,mygran.It’swhyIboughtahousehere,sowhenIwastakingabreakfromthefastlife,Icouldcomeback,visitwithher,andhaveaplacejustoutsideofAlmondBaytorelax.SowhydidIneedtobepersuadedtoreturnthistime?
ProbablybecauseI’msofuckinglost,Idon’tevenknowwhatIneedinmylifetobehappy—butlet’snotgetintothat.
EventhoughI’mheretowritesomesongs,there’sahouseholdfullofboxesandmailingsthathavetobesiftedthrough,organized,anddealtwith.Ataskmyassistantwouldhavetakencareof,butunfortunatelyforme,Ifiredhimthismorningforstealing.HetriedtoclaimIneededtokeephimonbecausehehadtosupporthisgirlfriend,whohadjustfailedoutofschoolanddidn’thaveajob,butItoldhimtotakehissobstorysomewhereelse.
Whichhasputmeinatoughsituation.
Myphonechimes,andIglancedownatthescreen.Ruben.
Fuckinghell,Ican’tescapeit.Notevenforamorning.
“Hello?”Ianswer.
“Hayes,IjustreceivedacomplaintfromMattthatyoufiredhim.Isthistrue?”
“Hedidnotfuckingcallyou.”Theballsonthatguy.
“Hedid.Beggedmetoputinagoodwordforyou.Claimshehastosupporthisgirlfriendorsomething?What’sgoingon?”
“Saidthesamebullshittome,”Isay.“Andtheanswerisno.Thefuckwasstealingfromme.”
“Doyouknowthatforsure?”
“Ninety-ninepercentpositive,”Isay.“Ihavecamerafootageofhimandagirlleavingmyhouseonenight.InoticedmyGrammywasmissingafterthat.Ididn’twanttoassumeitwasMatt,buthewastheonlyonewithaccesstomyhouse.Idecidedtowatchhimcarefully,andthat’swhenInoticedthingsgoingmissing.Tequila,shirts,hats.Prettysurehewascollectingtheshittosellandmakemoremoney.”
“Doyouwantmetopresscharges?”Rubenasks.
“No,buttellthefuckthatIwillifhekeepsbotheringus.Tellhimhe’sfuckingluckyit’smehe’sdealingwithandnotsomeoneelse.”
“I’lltakecareofthis,don’tworry.”Rubenclearshisthroat.“AreyouinAlmondBaynow?”
“Yeah,sawGranyesterday.She’slookinggood.PlanoncatchingupwithAbellater.”
“Andmaybethere’ssomewritinggoingonaswell?”Rubennotsononchalantlypresses.
“Dude,I’mgoingtofireyouifyoukeeppressuringme.”
“Wejustneedsomething.Ascrapofsomething.Anythingtoholdoverthelabel.”
“Iknow.”Idragmyhandovermyfaceasaredcarpullsintomydriveway.“I’llworkonit.Hey,someoneishere.Ihavetogo.”
“Okay,keepmeupdated,andI’lltakecareofMatt.Wantmetolookforhisreplacement?”
“No,”Ianswerrightbeforehangingup.
IsetmyphonedownonthearmrestandremainseatedasIwatchthecardooropen.Becauseofthebushesliningmysidewalk,Ican’tgetagoodlookatwhoitisuntilaboxishoistedinfrontoftheperson,andtheystartwalkingtowardme.
Hertan,tonedlegscomeintoviewfirst.
Pristinelywhitesneakers.
Olive-greenspandexshorts.
Anoversizedsweatshirt.
Herfaceisblocked,butIdonoticealong,honey-blondponytailswishingbackandforth.
Istayseated,observingasshesetstheboxinfrontofmydoor…andthat’swhenIgetthefirstlookather.
Holyshit.
FuckingHattieRowley.
Whatthehellisshedoinghere?
Prettysureherbrotherwouldhaveagoddamnheartattackifheknewshewasatmydoorstep.
Can’trememberthelasttimeIsawher,buthell,she’sgrownup,that’sfordamnsure.Filledoutinalltherightplaces,herhairslickedbackintoatightponytail,aneffortlessglowtohercheeks,andlong,blacklashesframingwhatIknowareintensegreeneyes.AlltheRowleykidshavethem.
Shereachesintotheboxandpullsupapieceofpaperandapen.Shefacesawayfromme,givingmetheperfectviewofherassasshewritessomethingonthepaper.Wasn’tshegoingtoschoolinSanFrancisco?
WonderifshestillisorifshemovedbackhereafterCassidypassed?
Shewasdearlylovedbythetownandbyhersiblings,andherpassingrockedthetown.FromwhatGrantoldmeinoneofourweeklytalks,RylandwasgivencustodyofCassidy’sfour-year-olddaughter,MacKenzie,andAubree,theirsister,tookoverTheAlmondStoreandCassidy’sfarm.Bothofthemhavebeenstrugglingwiththenewresponsibilities.
MaybeHattie’sbackheretohelp.
Whenshe’sdonewriting,shesticksthepaperinthebox,andItakethatmomenttoask,“Whatdidyouwrite?”
Sheleapsaboutafootintheairbeforefallingtotheright,upagainstthehouse,handclutchingherchest.
“JesusfuckingChrist,”shebreathesout,hershouldersnearlykissingherearsfromshock.Whenshespotsmeinmychair,shesays,“Haveyoubeensittingtherethewholetime?”
“Yup,”IanswerasIstand.Hereyesfalltomybarechestforamomentbeforetheypopbackuptomyface.
“You’vejustbeensittingthere,watchingme?”
“WantedtoknowwhatyouweredoingbeforeImadeyouawareofmypresence.”
“That’ssomefreakyshit,”shesays,pointingherfingeratme.
Tiltingmyheadtothesideandstudyingher,Isay,“It’sHailey,right?”
Iknowdamnwellit’sHattie,butIpretendIdon’tknowtoholdtheupperhand,especiallyagainstaRowley.
Hereyesnarrowasshecorrectsme.“Hattie.”
“That’sright,Ryland’ssister.”Igiveheraquickonce-over.“Doesyourbrotherknowyou’vecrossedoverintoenemyterritory?”
“Hedoesn’t,notthatI’dneedhispermission.”Shesticksherchinup.Igetit.You’renotintimidated.Neverhavebeen.
“What’swiththebox?”Iask,noddingtowardit.
“SomethingsIthoughtyoumightwant.Myex-boyfriend,Matt,yourassistant,stolethemfromyou.”
MattwasdatingHattieRowley?Howthehelldidhemanagethat?Sorrytosay,butshe’swayoutofhisleague.Andwhydidn’tIknowtheyweredating?Probablybecausethetoolhasneverspokenaboutherorevenletonthathehadagirlfriend.
Wait…wasshetheonehewastalkingabout?Failedoutofcollege,doesn’thaveajob?Isthatwhyshe’sbackhereinAlmondBay?Ithoughtitwasbecauseofhersister,butthisisanewdevelopment.Andthefuckerliedtome,sayingtheywerestilltogetherwhenclearly,they’renot.
Lyingandstealing.ThankGodIfiredhim.
Iglanceatthebox,takinginthecontents.“Ineverownedpuzzles.”
“Oh,thosearemine.”Shesnagstheboxesandholdsthemclosetoherchest.“Soanyway,ifyouwanttofirehim,Ihighlysuggestit.”
Iglancedownattheboxandthenbackupather.AlmondBaywasaweirdplacetogrowup.Therewerealwaysoddthingshappeningaroundtown.Likeoneday,anakedmanrodedownAlmondAveonaunicycle,andnooneblinkedaneye.OrthetimeTheTalkies—ourdrive-intheater—showedapornfilmforpreciselyoneminuteandthirteenseconds.Everyonejustlaughedaboutit.Itwouldn’tbeabnormalforsomeonetodropoffaboxofstuffandrequesttheirboyfriendbefired.I’mjustsurprisedit’scomingfromaRowley,theleasteccentricfamilyintown.
Thenagain,fromwhatI’veobserved,Hattiehasalwaysbeendifferent.
“WhywouldIfirehimoverafewT-shirts?”
Hereyesfalltothebox.“Shit,thoseareminetoo.”Shepicksthemup,andwhatIseeunderneathmakesmyteethclench.
MyGrammy.
Iknewthefuckerstoleit.
Keepingitcool,Ibringmyattentionbacktoher.“HowlonghaveyoudatedMatt?”
“Sincehighschool,andifyou’regoingtojudgemeaboutbeingwithhim,hewasn’tananusbackthen.Hetookoverthattitlejustrecently.”
“Isee.”Iglancebackatthebox.“Youknow,IhavevideofootageofthenightmyGrammywasstolen.”Ibringmygazebacktoherandcatchthewideningofhereyesandtheclenchofhermouth.JustwhatIthought.Fuckingguilty.“AndMattwasn’talone.”
“Itwasn’tme.Whateveryou’rethinking,Ihadnothingtodowithit.”Hell,isshebadatlying.
“Funny,mycamerastellmedifferently.”Theyactuallydon’t,butIlovewatchinghersquirm.
Hermouthfallsopen,appalled,butshequicklyclosesit.Hereyesstudyme,gauginghernextmove.Afewsecondsgoby,silencefallingbetweenus,andtheninaflash,sheturnsonherheelandboltstohercar.
She’snotgoingtogetawaythateasily.Notonmyfuckingwatch.
“Runallyouwant,butthesheriffwillknowwheretofindyou.”
Thatmakesherpauseandslowlyturnbacktowardme.“Youwouldn’t.”
“Wouldn’tI?”Iask.“You’reaRowley.Prettysurewe’resupposedtohateeachother.Whatwouldstopmefromcallingthepoliceandreportingthis?Ihavecamerasalloverthisgoddamnhousecurrentlyrecordingthisconversation.You’recaught.”
Thecolordrainsfromherface,andthebravadoshehadonlyafewminutesagohasvanished.“Don’tcallthesheriff,”shesays,lookingscaredforamoment.“Myfamilyhasbeenthroughalotlately,andIdon’tthinkmybrothercouldtakewell,needingtobailmeoutofanything.”
Idon’tthinkhecould,either.Doesheevenknowaboutherschool—ifit’seventrue?IknowRylandwellenoughtounderstandhewouldn’ttakefailingoutofschoollightly,especiallyoneofhissisters.
Inodtowardthehouse.“Whydon’tyoucomein,andwecandiscussouroptions?”
“Options?”sheasks,hereyebrowraised.
“Yeah,options.”Ibenddownandpickuptheboxofstolenitemsandthenopenthefrontdoor.“Isuggestyoufollowme.I’mnotopposedtocallingthesheriff.He’sahugefan.”Ismilebroadly,whichmakesherlipsflattenindisgust.
Grumblingunderherbreath,shefollowsmeintomyhouse,puzzlesandshirtsinhand,andIkickthedoorshutwhenshe’sfullyin.Isettheboxofcontrabandontheentrywayfloorandheadtowardmykitchen,butwhenshedoesn’tmove,Isay,“Comein.Iwon’tbite…atleastnotyet.”
“Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?”She’sabouttoapproachmewhenshestopsandadds,“Ifthat’ssomesexualinnuendo,I’mgoingtotellyourightnow,Idon’tevenliketobebitwhenhavingsex.Ithinkit’sweird,also…ifyouthinkI’mgoingtobesomeconcubineforyou,youbetterthinkofsomethingelse.”
Iturnonmycoffeemachineandsay,“Youclearlyhaven’tbeenbittenbytherightperson.Thatmuchistruewhenwethinkaboutwhoyoujustdated.”Ichooseacoffeepod—donutshop—andIputitinthemachineandstartitup.Ileanagainstthecounterandfaceher.“AndIcoulddobetterwhenitcomestoconcubines.”
Thatmakesherangerrearup,hermouthtwitchingwithirritation.“Youwouldbesoluckytohavemeinyourbed.”
Igiveherasmoothonce-over,myhandrunningalongmyjaw,andreply,“Debatable.”
“Ugh,you’resuchanasshole.Nowondernoonelikesyou.”
“Interesting.Ihaveafanclubofoverthreemillionpeoplewhowouldchallengeyouonthatstatement.”
“They’refans.Theydon’tcount.”
Itakeinmyhomeandthensay,“I’mprettysuretheydo,sincethey’retheoneswhofundedthishouseyou’restandinginandhelpedmeearntheGrammyyoustole.”
“Mattstoleit,notme.Iwasjust…there.”
“Isthatthestoryyou’regoingtotellthecops?”
“Ithoughtyouweren’tgoingtotellthecops,”shesays.
“Neverpromisedthat.Saidwehadtotalkaboutoptions.”
“Well,whatarethesestupidoptionsyouspeakof?”sheimpatientlyreplies.
“Whydon’tyoucomeinfarther,setyourshirtsandpuzzlesdown,andtakeaseat?Wantsomecoffee?”
“No,”sheanswers.“Youmightpoisonit.”
“Withyouwatchingmemakeit?”
“Idon’tknowwhatyouhaveinthosecoffeepods.Theycouldbepre-poisoned.”
“Iseethatwe’reactingrational.Goodtoknow,”Ireply,fullofsarcasm.Ipickupmycoffeeandgrabsomealmondcreamerfromthefridge—yeah,IliveinAlmondBayanddrinkalmondcreamer.It’sgood.
“Neverwouldhaveseenyouasacreamerkindofguy.”
“Oh,Icreamalot,”Isayasshetakesaseatonanislandchairrightacrossfromme.
ShesetsherpuzzlesandT-shirtsdownandrollshereyes.“You’redisgusting.”
“Orhonest?”
“Disgusting.”Shefoldsherarmsandsays,“NowtellmetheseoptionssoIcangetthehelloutofhereandneverreturn.Myskinisstartingtofeelitchy.”
Canwesaydramatic?
Butdespitethat,whataretheoptions?Becauserightnow,IhavenoideawhatI’mdoingotherthannotlettingherslipawayjustyet.Callitthefeudwithherbrother,buthavingoneofRyland’ssistersinmyclutchesfeelsnice…likeIhaveamomentaryupperhandoverthisbattleI’vebeenunwillinglyfightingforoveradecade.Nottomention,givenmylackofanassistant,IfeellikeIcoulduseher.Ihavearoomfullofboxesandlettersfromfansthatneedtobeanswered.Itmightworkoutperfectly.
“Youwantoptions?”Iask.
“Yes,Jesus,that’swhyI’msittinghere.”
Short-tempered.Ilikeit.
Ialsolikethelightfrecklesthatdotaroundherbuttonnoseandnaturallyblushedcheeks.
“Youroptionsareasfollows.”Iholduponefinger.“Icancallthepoliceandturnyouin,pressfullcharges,thankstoyourconfession…”
“Goingwiththescaretacticfirst.Great.What’sthesecondoptionI’llclearlyhavetotake?”
Iholdupasecondfinger.“Youworkforme.”
Shesnortsloudenoughforittoechothroughmykitchen.“Workforyou?Okay.Yeah,that’sgoingtohappen.”Sheshakesherhead.“What’soptionthree?”
Isetmycoffeeonthecounterandplacemyhandsonthemarble,myeyesmatchingupwithhers.“Thereisnooptionthree.That’sit.Yougetturnedin,oryouworkforme.Takeyourpick.”
“Youcan’tdothat,”sheprotests.“Ihave…Ihaveschool.”
“Doyou?BecauselastIheard,youfailedoutthissemester,andIwasalsoinformedyoudon’thaveajob.”
Herexpressionfallsflat.“Whotoldyouthat?WasitMatt?”Mutteringtoherself,shesays,“I’mgoingtokillhim.”
“That’sthereasonyou’rehere,inAlmondBay.Noschool.Nojob.Nomoney…accordingtoMatt.Seemslikeyou’reinatoughspot.”Itakeasipofmycoffeebeforesettingitbackonthecounter,playingthecockyasshole,aroleIknowverywell.
“Yeah,andbeingtheantiheroyouare,you’retakingfulladvantageofit.”
“Iwouldn’tbeinafeudwiththeRowleysifIdidn’t,wouldI?”Ismileather,asmilemadefromsinsandtequila.
Herlipstwisttothesideassheglancesaway.“Whatexactlydoyouwantmetodoforyou?Ifyousaysexualfavors,theanswerisno.I’dratherburymyheadinthejailtoiletbowlthangetincheswithinyourcrotch.”
“Nicevisual,butlikeIsaid,Icoulddobetter.Yourpussyisnotworthmytime.”
“Ihaveagreatpussy,”shedefends.“You’renotworthmypussy’stime.”
Istareather,unmoving.Sheishot,I’llgiveherthat.LikeIthoughtearlier,sheiswayoutofMatt’sleague.ButbetweenherbeingaRowleyandmouthierthanIcouldbebotheredwith,it’sanofromme.“Gladyougotthatoffyourchest?Areyoucheeringforyourselfontheinsideforstickingupforyourself?”
“You’reanasshole.”
“Iknow,”Ireply,thenmoveawayfromtheislandanddownthehall.
“Whereareyougoing?”shecallsafterme.
“ShowingyouwhatIneedhelpwith.Followmeifyoudon’twanttogotojail.”
Ifeelherhesitatebeforeshegrumblesagainandtraipsesdownthehallwayafterme.WhenIreachmyoffice,Iturntowardher,gripthedoorknob,andthenflingthedooropen,revealingthedisaster.
“Whatthehellisthis?”sheasks,takingitallin.Boxesuponboxesarepiledupashighastheceilingwhileseverallarge,protrudingbluemailbagshavebeendumpedalongthefloor.Files,manilafolders,andbindersarestackedastallasmeonmydeskthatallneedtobecopied,savedtomycloud,andfiled.Newmerchandiseisscatteredacrossthefloor,waitingforapproval.Picturesframingmyplatinumrecordsleanagainstthewall,andhandwrittenlyricsarestackedonmychair,waitingtobecopiedandsavedaswell.Nottomention,thecomputerandprinterIpurchasedthathaven’tbeenopenedyet.
“Thisisjusthalfofit.There’smoreinthegarage.”
“Jesus,”shemutters,movingforwardbutsteppingonanemptyproteinwrapper,thecrunchcausinghertoliftherfoottoseewhatshesteppedon.“Areyouahoarder?”
“Doestherestofmyhouselooklikethis?”
“There’salwaystheoneroompeopledon’tknowabout.”Shepicksuparedlacebrawithherfingerandraisesherbrowatme.Ijustsmirk.
“Thishappenswhenyou’vebeenontourforayear.Thingsstackup.Mattwassupposedtotackleitallafterthetourbutwasfiredbeforegettinghisstickyhandsonit.Besthedidn’t,giventheboxyoubroughtme.”
“Which,bytheway,Idon’tthinkI’mgettingenoughcreditfor.IcouldhavestolenthoseitemsfromMattandsoldthemontheblackmarket.”
“Doyouevenknowwhattheblackmarketis?”
“No…”Shepausesandflicksthebratotheground.“ButahealthysearchonGooglewouldprobablyhelpsteermeintherightdirection.”
“Yeah,thatGooglesearchwouldn’tbeflagged,”Isarcasticallyreply.“Also,IamgivingyoucreditforbringingbacktheGrammy.Igaveyoutwooptions.”
“Yougavemeoneoption,knowingdamnwellIwasn’tgoingtoturnmyselfintothepolice.”
“Doesn’tmeanIdidn’tgiveyouoptions.”
Armscrossedatherchest,sheturnstowardme,irritationonherface.“Sowhat,youwantmetoclearthisoutforyou,andyou’llpayme?”
“That’susuallyhowajobworks.”
“Forhowlong?Because,youknow,Ihavebetterthingstodothancleanupyourmess.”
“Doyou?”IaskasIleanagainstthedoorframe.“Pleaseenlightenme.”
Herlipspurseasshenarrowshereyes.“Uh,like…”Shepausesasshetriestocomeupwithsomethingmoreimportant,butIthinkwebothknowatthispoint,she’smineforthetaking.“Youknowwhat?It’snoneofyourbusiness.”
“That’swhatIthought.”Ipushoffthedoorframeandheaddownthehallwaybacktothekitchen.“I’llpayyouonethousanddollarsaweekincash.”
“Onethousanddollars?”sheshoutsafterme.“Mattwasmakingwaymorethanthat,andhewastheonewhostoletheGrammy.”
Ipickupmycoffeeandtakeasip.“Mattwasdoingalotmorethanjustcleaningupmyshitasyouliketoputit,sounlessyouwanttofieldthepussythatcomesknockingonmydoor,takemyphonecalls,schedulemylife,anddealwithallmybrands,you’lltakeonethousanddollarsaweekandbehappywithit,orelseIcanjustcallitcommunityserviceandleaveitatthat.”
“Isthishowyou’regoingtobetheentiretime?Anunrelentingass?”
Iturntowardherassheapproaches,heryoungfacebothirritatedandscaredatthesametime.Ican’tremembertheagedifferencebetweenherandRyland,butIdoknowshe’stheyoungestinherfamily,andthere’sabiggap.It’sevidentinhernaiveeyes.
Isipmycoffeeandmeethergaze.“Yes.”
“Great.”Shetossesherhandsasifshegivesup.
“Youcanstarttomorrow.Seveninthemorning,sharp.”
“Seven?”Hereyesnearlybugout.“Haveyoulostyourmind?I’mnotarrivingatseven.”
“Ifyouarriveatseven,youcanmakemymorningcoffeeforme.”
Sheglancesatthemuginmyhandandthenbackatme.“Youcanfuckoffwiththat.Makeyourowndamncoffee.Unlessyouwanttopaymefifteenhundreddollars,thensure,I’llbehereatseven.”
“That’saone-hundred-dollarcupofcoffeeaday.”
“That’swhatI’mworth.”
“Fine,”Isay,callingherbluff.“Fifteenhundredaweek,you’rehereatsevenmakingmemycoffee…andproteinshake.”Iholdmyhandouttoher.“Deal?”ChapterThree
HATTIE
WhatthehellamIactuallydoing,andhowdidreturningaboxofitemstosomeoneturnintoajobwiththedevil?
Oh,I’lltellyouhow.
HayesFarrow.
That’showheworks.There’salwaysananglewithhim,andthisangleseemstohavetakenmedownwithinamatterofseconds.DoItrulybelievehe’dreportmetothepolicesoI’dgetintoashittonoftrouble?Yes,absolutely.ThefeudbetweenhimandRylandrunsdeep,soforHayestoconsiderthrowinganotherRowleyunderthebustospiteRyland,yup,Ionehundredpercentbelievethatcouldhappen.
“Iaskedyouifitwasadeal,”hesays,stillholdinghishandout.
Hislarge,callousedhand.
Iglanceupintohislight-grayeyes.There’sbarelyadropofcolorinhisirises,yetthey’rerimmedinblack,auniquecolorthatonlyaddstotheobsessionpeoplehavewithhim.Littledotheyknowthedevilthatrestsbehindthem.
Andthatdevilhasmebytheuterus.
WhatoptiondoIreallyhave?
Createmoretroubleinmyfamilythatdoesn’tneeditrightnow?It’snotlikeIhavesomethingtooffer,evenshowingupattheirdoorstep.He’sright.Ifailedoutofthissemester.Ihavenojob,nomoney—noplacetocrashwhileItrytofigureoutwhattodo—meaning,I’moutofluck,andshakinghandswiththedevilhimselfmightbemyonlyoption.
Ialsodon’twanttoadmitit,butfifteenhundredaweekismorethanIcouldgetsomewhereelse,andIcoulddesperatelyusethemoney.
ImustreekofdesperationbecauseasIstareintohiscold,deadeyes,Iknowheknowsthis.Iknowhecanseemymomentofdespair.
Becauseofthat,Itakeadeepbreathandholdmyhandouttohim,connectingourpalmswithashake.
“Deal,”Isay,ashiverpassingthroughme.
Thatshiver…that’sthetelltalesignofhellburningupthroughme.
Aslow,maniacalsmilecreepsoverhismouthfrommyconcession,andIknowIjustmadeadealwithSatanhimself.
Whenhereleasesmyhand,hebringshismuguptohislips,eyessetonme,andhesips.Ihatetoadmitit,becauseIcangenuinelysayIdespisethisman,buthe’sungodlyattractive.Histannedskinmakeshiseyesseemendlesslylight,framedbylongdarklashes.Hismorningscruffisdark,deliciouslycoatinghisstrongjaw,andhisbackwardhatcoversuphisnearlyblackhairthatwomenhaveaconniptionoverwhenhestylesit—whichisrare.Andthenthere’shisbody.He’seasilysixfootthreeortaller,withlonglimbsandatonedtorso,whichonlyseemsattainableforthosewhospendfortyhoursinthegym—yethereheis,standinginfrontofmewithasix-packthatIcouldlosemyfingerin.Hispecsarethemainfeatureofhisbody,linedwithsinewthatconnectsinthemiddleofhischest.It’sprobablythemostfamouspartofhisbodybesideshiseyesbecauseheshowsitoffduringhisconcerts.ThemanycollagesI’veseenofjustthatpartofhischestisfranklydisturbing—yetI’vewatchedeveryoneofthem.EventhoughIthinkhe’sahorriblehuman,Ican’tdenythefactthathe’sthehottestmanI’veeverlaideyeson.
“Doyouneedaplacetostay?”heasks,pullingmeoutofmythoughts.
“What?”
“Weren’tyougoingtostaywithMatt?”
“Oh,yeah,”Isay.
“Sodoyouneedaplacetostay?It’llknockafewhundredoffyourpayment,butIhaveafewguestroomstochoosefrom.”
“Ew,youthinkI’dstayhere?No,thankyou.”
“Whyew?”Heglancesaroundhishouse.“It’sprettynicehere.”
“Yes,yourhouseisnice.You,ontheotherhand,justpoppedoutofSatan’sasshole,andI’drathernotsharealivingspacewithafieryanus.Thankyouverymuch.”
“That’salotofasstalk.”Hesmirks.“Haveafixationwiththat?BecauseIcanshowyouagoodtimeifyoudo.”
Thefuckingaudacityofthisman.
“Inyourdreams,Hayes,”IsayeventhoughIbethecouldshowmeagoodtime.Atimetoremember.Igrabmypuzzlesandshirtsandholdthemclosetomychest.“Now,ifyou’llexcuseme,IneedtogoscreamintoapillowwhileIcometotermswiththedealIjustshookon.”
Hesmirks,thecornerofhismouthpullingtotheside,andit’sbothhideouslyannoying…andseductivelyattractive.“Happyscreaming.Seeyoubrightandearlytomorrowmorning.”
“Fuckoff,”ImumbleasIpushthroughthedoortohishouseandouttomycar.
Itossmyitemsonthepassengersideandgripmysteeringwheel.Lookinguptowardhishouse,Iseehimstandingonhisporch,mugofcoffeeinhand,watchingoverme.
Ugh,he’sinfuriating.
Istartmycaranddriveaway.I’mnotgoingtogivehimthesatisfactionofseeingmedistressedovermycurrentpredicament,noway—he’lljusttakepleasureinit,thesadist.
WhenI’mdrivingdowntheroad,IreachformyphoneandcallMaggie.WhentheBluetoothconnectstomycar,hervoicesoundsthroughthespeakers.
“Whyareyoucallingme?Shouldn’tyoubewithMatt?OhmyGod,didhecheatonyou?Didyougothereandfindhimwithsomeoneelse?”
“Whywouldyouassumethat?”Iask,leaningmyheadbackagainsttheheadrestwhilestillkeepingmyeyestrainedontheroad.
“Because,Itoldyou,hegivesmetheick.”
“Well,hedidn’tcheatonme,buthedidbreakupwithmeforbeingboring.”
“What?”sheyells.
Igivehertheentirerundownfromwhathesaidtotellingmetograbmythings,andthenhowIfoundtheGrammyanddecidedtobeagoodfreakingSamaritananddropitoffatHayes’shouse.
“SoyouwenttohishousetogivehimhisGrammyback?You’reasaint.”
“Thankyou,that’swhatIthoughtuntilhedecidedtopinmeforthecrimeandthreatentocallthecopsonme.”
“Nooooo,”Maggiegrowls.“Hedidnotdothat.”
“Ohyes,hedid.Whichthenledtomegoinginsidehishousetosavemyass,andguesswhat,Mags?”
“Tellme.”
“I’mnowworkingforhim.”
There’sapause.“Wait…what?”
Yeah,I’mstilltryingtoprocessitalltoo.
“Apparently,themanhasnosenseoforganizationbecausehisofficeandgaragearetrashed.Mattwassupposedtocleanitup,butbecausehefiredhimforstealing—shocking—henowneedsthehelpandtoldmeIcouldtakethejoborhewouldcallthepolice.”
“That’sblackmail.”HeroutrageisjustwhatIneedatthismoment.FindyourselfafriendlikeMaggie.She’stheabsolutebest.
“Areyousurprised?Theguyhasnomoralcompass.”
“Ican’tbelievethat,”shesaysasImakemywaytowardTheAlmondStore.“Ishegoingtoatleastpayyou?”
“Yes,thankGod,andIhatetoadmitit,butgivenmycircumstances,Icouldreallyusethemoney.”
“True,butit’sHayesFarrow…yourbrotherhateshim.”
“That’swhyRylandisnotgoingtofindout.”
“Andhowdoyouplanonkeepingyournewemploymentasecret?Whatareyouevengoingtotellthemaboutbeingintown?”Maggieasks.
“Ithoughtaboutthat,andsinceI’mreturningmidsemester,I’mgoingtotellthemIspokewithmyprofessors,andweallagreedthatIneedtotakesometimeoffbecauseofCassidy’sdeath.Theydon’tneedtoknowthattimeoffisbecauseIfailedeveryoneofmymidterms.Icamebackheretogathermyselfandfoundaninternshiptohelptidemeover.”
“Internship.That’sbelievable.”
“I’llsayoneofmyprofessorshookedmeupwithit.Andthankfully,sinceHayeslivesoutsideoftownandfarawayfromanyfamilymembersortownspeople,itwon’tbeaproblem.”
“Okay,andwhataboutthewholehe’sthesexiestmanevertowalktheplanetthing?”
“Whataboutit?”Iask.
“Uh,areyougoingtobeabletocontrolyourself?”
“Maggie,”IsayonahuffasIdrivedownAlmondAve.“UnlikeHayes,Ihavestandards,convictions.Hemightbehot,butthere’snowayI’dtouchthatmanwithaten-footpole.Also,he’stwelveyearsolderthanIam.He’sthesameageasRyland.”
“That’shot.”
“Wait,soMattgivesyoutheick,butatwelve-yearagedifferencedoesn’t?”
“Agegapisin.”
“Somethingisseriouslywrongwithyou.”
“Comeon,thethoughtofbeingwithanexperiencedmandoesn’tmakeyourbodytinglewithanticipation?”
“No,”Isayeventhoughthat’sslightlyalie.SexwithMattwas…okay.Ididfakeitalot,butthereweresomegoodtimes…maybelikeafew.Notmanyactually.Eitherway,who’stosayHayeswouldevenbegoodatsex?Heprobablyhasagaggleofwomenlinedupandreadytofakeitaswell.
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
Isigh.“CanwejustagreethatI’minhell?”
“IfhellisbeingabletosmellandstareatHayesFarrowdaily,tellmewheretosignup.”
“Youneedhelp.”
“Iknow.”Webothlaugh.
“Hey,I’matTheAlmondStore,andIneedtopresentmyselftomysister,seeifIcanfindaplacetostay.”
“Goodluck.Letmeknowhowitgoes.”
“Iwill.”
Ihangupthephoneandturnoffmycar,butdon’texitrightaway.
Ineedtotakeasecond.
ThelasttimeIwasinTheAlmondStore,Cassidy’sprideandjoybesidesherdaughter,Iwaspickingupsomealmondbuttertotakebacktoschool.Cassidyteasedmeabouttakingadvantageofthefamilydiscount—free—andthengavemeoneofhersignaturehugs.
Warmandfulloflove.
Cassidywasmybestfriendgrowingup.Nineyearsolderthanme,shetookmeunderherwingandkeptmeclose.Sheplayedwithme,evenwhenshewastoooldtobeplayingwithdolls.Shecoloredwithme.Shespentcountlesshoursmakingupdancestoourfavoritesongswithme.IidolizedherandwhenMompassed,shewasso…present.Insomeways,shebecamemymom.
Whenshewasdiagnosedwithbreastcancer,justlikeourmom,itfeltlikeIwaslivinginsomesortofdream,likeitwasn’thappeninginreallifebutinsomesicknightmare.
AndwhenIgotthecallthatshedied,Ibrokedown.Fordays,MaggieheldmeasIcried.Sheneversaidanything,justsattherewithmelikethebestfriendthatsheis.
Icamebackforthefuneral,andwereleasedherashesinthebay.
Andwhenherwillwasreadtous,Ifelt…letdown.
RylandwasassignedthechallengingtaskoftakingcustodyofMacKenzie,anassignmentIcanunderstand.Hehasasolidjob,hehasnoplansofleavingAlmondBay,he’ssituatedinhislife,andcanofferstabilitytoafour-year-oldafterlosinghermother.
ButTheAlmondStore?Ourdream?ItwenttoAubree.Thestoreandthefarm.
Andsure,Aubreehelpedoutatthestore,sheknowshowtorunthings,butitdoesn’tnegatethehurt.TheAlmondStoreismybabywithCassidy.Ihelpedherdesignandcomeupwiththeconcept.Aubreecouldhavetakenthefarm,butthestore…Cassidyshouldhaveleftthattometocarryonthelegacywecreated.
I’veneverexpressedmyfeelingsaboutitbecauseIdidn’twanttosoundjealousorbringupbadfeelingsinamomentwhenweshouldbecomingtogethertosupporteachotherandMacKenzie,butfuckdoesitmakemesicktomystomach.
AndIknowwalkingintherewillbringupallofthosefeelings.
Thefeelingofloss,notseeingCassidybehindthecounter,notfeelinghersunnyhug,notseeingherjoyfulsmile
Itakeadeepbreath,willingbackthetears.Don’tcry.
Cryingwilldonothing.
You’reinapredicament,andcryingwillnothelpthesituation,especiallywithAubree.She’snotonewhodealswithcryingverywell.Oremotionsingeneral.
Ilockmycar,thenmovearoundtothefrontofthestore.Oneofthereasonswelovedthisbuildingsomuchintown—itusedtobeasalon—isbecauseit’sintheshapeofatriangle,andtheentranceisatthetip,givingitauniqueandcutestorefront.
Wewhitewashedtheoutsidethatusedtobeadeepredbrick,addedapaleblueandwhite-stripedawning,toreouttheoldlinoleumfloors,andreplacedthemwithwhiteoak.Itwasahellofajob,butIhelpedheronesummer,andnothingfeltmoresatisfyingwhenitwasalldone.Wekeptthethemeofopenwhiteshelvingheldupbyironbrackets,withwhiteoakislandsinthemiddleofthestoreintheshapeoftrianglestogowiththeflowofthefloorplan,andfilledtheemptyspotswithblack-and-whitephotosofthefarmaswellaseucalyptusbranches.It’smyfavoriteplacetobenotjustbecauseofthememoriesbutthesmellaswell.
ThedoorringsasIwalkthrough,andAubree,whoishunchedoverthecounter,lookingthroughheriPadwithaseriousexpressionpullingonherbrow,glancesup.Whensherecognizesme,shestandstaller.
“Hattie,whatareyoudoinghere?”
“That’showyou’regoingtogreetme?”IaskasIwalkuptoher.
Aubree,notmuchofahugger,offersmeheronearmandtapsmeontheback,almostasifwe’resharingabrohug.“Goodtoseeyou.Nowwhatareyoudoinghere?Shouldn’tyoubeinschool?”
Canyoutelleducationisimportantinmyfamily?It’swhyIdon’twanttotellthemwhathappened.
“I’mactuallygoingtobehomeforalittlebit.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasks.
“Well,Ispoketomyprofessors,andweallagreedthatafterlosingCassidy,itwouldbebesttotakeasemesteroff.”Aubree’seyesnarrow.“Buttheyhookedmeupwithaninternship.”Iswallowbackthenauseathat’sboilinginmystomachfromthelie.“It’sjustupthecoast,soIcangainsomeexperiencewhileItaketimeoff.”
“What’stheinternship?”sheasks,handonherhip.
“Withamediamogul,”Isay,sortoftellingthetruth.Yeah,I’mstretchingitalot,butatleastit’ssomething.
“Isthatwhatyouwanttodowhenyougraduate?Workinmedia?”sheasks.
“Notreally,butanyexperienceisagoodexperience.Atleastthat’swhatmyprofessorsaid.Plus,it’sclosetohomesoIcanhelpyouguysoutwhenIdon’thavetowork.”
“Iloveyou,Hattie,butwedon’tneedyourhelp.Weneedyoutofocusonschool.”Shemovesaroundmeandgoestothefrontofthestore,whereshebangsonthewindow,drawingsomeone’sattention.
WhenIseewhoitis,Iinwardlygroan.
EthelO’Donnell-Kerr.
“Whatonearthareyoubangingonthewindowfor?”Ethelaskswhenshewalksin.Sheglancesaround,spotsme,andclaspsherhandstogether.“Well,Hattiedear,thetownwasn’texpectingyoutobehere.”
Thetown.
Asifshecollectivelytookapollaboutmypresence.
“Tooksometimeofffromschool,”Isay.
Shefrowns.“Ohdear,toohardforyou?”
“No,”Aubreesnaps.“Hattieisthesmartestoutofallofus.Nothingaboutschoolishardforher.Shegotaninternshipandwillbeworkingonthatfortherestofthesemester.”
“Whatkindofinternship?”Ethelasks.
“Nothingthetownneedstoknowabout,”Aubreesays,puttingabeeinEthel’sbonnet.
“Well,Idon’tseemtocareforthetoneyou’reusingwithme,MissAubree.”
Aubree’sshoulderstense,andIcantellsomethingisbotheringher,butlordknowsshewon’tsayanything.Shenevertalksaboutherfeelings…ever.
“I’msorry,”Aubreesays.“ButIwaswonderingaboutthatshipmentofbottles.YousaidyourbottleguywouldgetthemtomebyMonday.It’sTuesday,andtherearenobottles.Ineedthem,Ethel,andIwentwithyourguybecauseyourecommendedhim.”
“Ah,Isee.”EthelpatsAubreeontheshoulder.“You’restressed.Well,letmecalltheman,andwecanseewheretheyare.Youjusthadtoask,dear.Youdon’tneedtotakethattonewithme.”
Aubree’sshouldersrelax,andshesaysinacalmervoice,“I’msorry.”
“Quiteallright.Iunderstandyou’regoingthroughalot.I’llupdateyouonceIhearfromhim.WouldyoulikemetobringthePeachSocietyoverlatertohelpstockthestore?”
What?AubreehasthePeachSocietyhelpingout?
“That’sokay.Ihaveithandled.Butthankyou.”
“Ofcourse,anythingyouneed.You’redoingabeautifuljob,dear.Yoursisterwouldbeproud.”Ethelglancesupatme.“Andwe’resohappytohaveyouback,Hattie.Interestingthatwehavetwoout-of-townerscomebackinthesameweek.”
“Whoistheotherone?”Aubreeasks.
“Well,HayesFarrow,ofcourse,”Ethelsayswithdisdain.“Didyounotseetheredcarpetrolledoutforhim?”
CanyoutellhowmuchEthellovesHayes?PrettysuretheonlypeoplewholikeHayesinthistownarehisgrandma,Abel,andRodney,whoownstheModelRailroadMuseumupthestreet,andIthinkthat’sonlybecausehe’salwayshadathingforHayes’sgrandma.
“Hayesisback?”Aubreesays.
“Apparently,histourisover,andhisgrandmatookanastyfall,sohe’sheretocareforher.”
“Well,thatshouldbefun,”Aubreesayssarcastically.
Ethelleansin.“WordonthestreetishefiredMatt.”Ethelglancesupatme.“Didyouknowthis?”
Aubreewhipsaroundtolookatme.“Didyou?”
“Uh…yes,”Ianswer.“HewasthefirstoneIsaw.Hetoldme.”
“That’sright,Yahnooshsaidheheardyoutwofightinginhisapartment,”Ethelsays.
Ofcoursehedid.Becausenothingiseverfreakingsacredinthistown.
“That’sbecausehebrokeupwithme,”IsaybecauseImightaswelljustputitoutthere.
“Hedid?”Aubreeasks.“Why?”
“SaidIwastooboring,”Ianswer,wantingtothrowhimunderthebusbecause,whynot?“SaidIwasmoping.”
Ethelclutchesherheartinshock.“Yoursisterjustpassed.Ofcourseyouwouldbemopey.”
“That’swhatItoldhim.”Ishrug,gladhebrokeupwithmebecausewhosaysthattosomeone?Maggiewasright.Heistheick.
“Well,thatjustwon’tdo.Ishallhaveaconversationwithhismother.”
“Uh,that’sallright,Ethel.I’msureheheardenoughfromme.”
“Still,youpoordear.”Ethelwalksuptomeinallofherredheadedgloryandpullsmeintothetypeofhugwhereherbosomgreetsmefirstandthenherarms.HersignaturescentofChanelNo5fillsupmynostrils.“I’msosorryyou’reexperiencingsomuchpainlately.Andnow,withdroppingoutofschool.”
“Uh,holdup,she’snotdroppingoutofschool,”Aubreecorrectsquickly.“She’sdoinganinternship.Please,Ethel,pleasedon’tgetthetwomixedup.”
Ethelletsgoofmebutholdsmecloseasshelooksmeintheeyes.“Myapologies.”
AndIswearonmyrightboob,thelookshegivesme,it’salmostasifsheknowstherealreasonIleftschool.Buthow?DoesshehavesomeonekeepingtabsonmeinSanFrancisco?Somesecretteleportationwhereshecanbeinmultipleplacesinminutes?Hasshetappedmyphone?
Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifshedid.ThisisEthelO’Donnell-Kerr,afterall.
“Well,Ibestbeonmyway,”shesing-songs.“Thelunchhouriscomingup,andyouknowmyguestsloveagoodreprisewhiletheyeat.”Sheclearsherthroatandstartssingingoctavesonherwayout.Withatwiddleofherfingers,she’sgone.
AubreereturnstothecounterandstartslookingatheriPadagain.
“So,”Isayawkwardlyassilencefallsbetweenus.“Doyouneedsomehelparoundhere?”
“No,”Aubreesayswithoutlookingup.“Ijusthadonestressfulnight,andthePeachSocietycaughtme.Everythingisfine.”
“Okay,becauseifyouneedmyhelp,Iknowthisstoreinandout.I’dbemorethanhappy—”
“Ineedyoutofocusonschoolandgraduating,”Aubreesnaps.“That’swhatIneedyoutodo.Soifthisinternshipwilldothat,thenfocusonthat.”
Caughtoffguardbyherirritatedtone,Itakeastepforward.“Aubree,ifyouwanttotalk…”
“Idon’t,”shesaysandthentakesadeepbreath.Whenhereyesconnectwithmine,shesays,“Idon’tneedtotalk,okay?I’mfine.Everythingisfine.”
“Okay,”Ireply,notbelievingherforasecond.
“Now,Ihavetogetbacktowork,butfirst,whereareyoustayingwhileyou’rehere?”
“Oh,right.Well,Rylandsoldhishouse,right?”Iask.
Aubreenods.“Yes.”
Dammit.
“IsthereroomwithhimandMacKenzie?”
Aubreeshakesherhead.“Rylandsleepsonthecouchbecausehewon’tconsidersleepinginCassidy’sroom.”OhGod,he’sbeensleepingonthecouchthiswholetime?Fortwomonths?Howishedoingit?“I’mtakinguptheguesthouseonthefarm.”Damn,thatwasmysecondoption,andtheguesthouseisoneroomwithabedandabathroom.That’sit.
“Shit,”IsayasmymindflashestoHayes’soffer.No,don’teventhinkaboutitbecauseitwon’thappen.It’sonethingtoworkforthemanforashortperiod,butit’sanotherthingtolivewithhim.IfIcombinedthosetwo,Rylandwouldforsuredisownme.Irunmyhandovermyforehead.“IwonderifEthelwillgivemearoomattheinnforcheap?”
“Shesaysit’sacommunityhere,andwehelpeachotherout,butneverinherlifehasshediscountedoneofherrooms.Don’tevenbother.Butifyouwant,youcantaketheroomupstairshereinthestore.”
“Thestorageroom?”Iaskindisbelief.
Aubreenods.“Cassidyturneditintoasmallstudioaboutsixmonthsagoforwhenevershestayedatthestoretoolateanddidn’twanttomakethedrivebacktothefarmwithMac.Ithasadoublebed,afullbathroom,andaminifridge.”Aubreeshrugs.“Itshouldworkforwhatyouneed.”
“Oh,Ididn’tknowshedidthat.”
“It’snotglamorous,butCassidyalwaystreateditasawilderness-typethingwithMac.Theywouldmakeshadowpuppetsonthewallunderatentofblankets.Maclovedit.”
Yeah,that’ssomethingCassidywoulddobecauseshewasthebestmomever.
“Okay,yeah,I’llgoupthere.Youdon’tmind?”
Aubreeshrugs.“You’renotgoingtobothermebeingupthere.Aslongasyou’renotstompingaroundduringshophours,Idon’tcare.”
“Well,thanks.Iappreciateit.”
Anawkwardsilencefallsbetweenus.We’veneverbeensuperclose,atleastnotlikemeandCassidy.Shewasthegluethatheldusalltogether,andnowthatshe’sgone,italmostfeelslikewedon’tknowhowtointeract.
Italsodoesn’thelpthatAubreeisholdingsomethingback.
“IguessIshouldtakemystuffupstairsthen.”
“Haveatit.”AubreewavesmeoffasherattentionturnsbacktoheriPad
“Thanks.”Imovetowardthedoortograbmysuitcasebutthenthinkbetterofit.Imightaswellcheckoutthespacefirst.“Isitrightupthebackstairs?”
“Yup.”
ImovearoundthecounterandheadtowardthebackoftheshopwhenIpauseatthedoorframe.Glancingovermyshoulder,Iaskagain,“Aubree,areyouokay?”
“Fine,”sheanswers,butIknowshe’snottellingthetruth.Notwithhowtensehershouldersare,hervoiceisterse,andthedemandforbottlesearlierwithEthel,butI’mnotonetopushher.Shedoesn’tlikeit,sothelastthingIwanttodoisstartafightwithher.
“Okay,well,youknowwheretofindme.”
Shedoesn’trespond,soIretreattotheback,pastalltheboxesofproduct,andstraighttothestairscoveredupbyablueandwhite-ginghamcurtain.Imovethroughitandtakethewoodenstairsuptoacloseddoor.Itestthehandle,andfindingitunlocked,Iopenittorevealatinyroom,nobiggerthanmydormroominSanFrancisco.Angledceilingsclosethesidesoftheroomandcometoapointinthemiddle.Afullbedispressedupagainsttheleftoftheroom,theangledceilingnotofferingthatmuchheadspace,butit’sperfectforshadowpuppets.Dressedinwhitesandlightblues,theroomisairywithonewindowthatoverlookstheparkinglotbutoffersenoughnaturallightnottocastashadowofdarknessintheroom.Totherightisadresser,minifridge,andthedoortothefullbathroom.Cassidywouldhavehatedthedeadflowerinapotonthedresser.Shecaredsomuchabouteverylivingthing,evenherplants.
Abeigearearugisspreadacrossthefloor,probablysoMaccanplayonthehardwoodcomfortably.Andeventhoughthespaceissparse,itstillfeelshomeybecausethatwasthetypeofpersonCassidywas.Shemadethelightshineinanyroomshewasin.
Sighing,Ileanagainstthedoorframeandtakeadeepbreath.
God…Imisshersomuch.
Whydidshehavetoleavethisearthsoearly?Tooearly.Theworldneedsmorepeoplelikeher,andnow…nowitfeelslikeeverythingisoutofsorts.
***
Ifinishunpackingmyclothesandsettingmypuzzlesonthedresser—becausethoseareimportant—justasmyphonedingswithamessage.Icheckthescreentoseemybrother’sname.
He’sbeeninformedofmypresence.
Ryland:Notgoingtotellmeyou’reintown?Ihavetohearitthroughthegrapevine?
Isitonthebedandtexthimback.
Hattie:Iwasgoingtomakemywayoverthere.Hadtofindaplacetolivefirst.
Ryland:Live?Whyaren’tyouinschool?
Hattie:Surprisedthatwasn’trelayedtoyou.ProfessorsthoughttakingabreakafterCassidy’sdeathwouldbegood.Workinganinternshipuphere.AubreesaidIcouldstayinthebedroomabovetheshop.
Ryland:You’retakingabreak?Istheinternshipatleastforcredits?
God,Ihatethis,havingtoanswertomybrother,whostoodupforuswhenwewerelittle,whotookDad’sspotwhenDadwouldn’tbotherparenting.TheonewhoI’velookeduptomywholelife.Andmyanswerisgoingtobealie.ButhowcouldIpossiblytellhimthatIfailedthissemester?Hewouldbesodisappointedinme,andrightnow,alieoutweighsthedisappointmentIknowI’dfaceifItoldhimthetruth.
I’mjusthopingthisjobwithHayeswillgetmethroughtherestofthesemester,andthenIcanfigureoutwhattododuringthesummer.MaybeIcouldtakeajobwithEthel,makingbedsandcleaningrooms.OrIcanhelpDeeDeeColemanstocktheshelvesathergrocerystore.
Orperhaps…Aubreewillletmehelpher.
Hattie:Yes,thisinternshipisforcredit.
Ryland:Atleastthere’sthat.Wishyouwerestillinschool,though.
Hattie:Iknow,butthisisagreatopportunity
Yeah,agreatopportunitywithyourenemy,sortingthroughboxesandorganizingsaidenemy.MaybeIcanstickitonmyrésuméassomethingfancylike…executivebusinessassociate.Somecraplikethat.Ishouldhaveworkedatitleintothedealwithhim.
Ryland:Well,Macknowsyou’rehere.Shewantstoseeyou.
Hattie:Let’splanfortomorrow.I’mexhausted.
Ryland:Okay.
Istareatmyphone,theworryofmysiblingsfloatingthroughmymind.Ifeelsooutoftouchwiththem,likeanoutsidertryingtoweaselmywaybackin.
Hattie:Hey,iseverythingokaywithAubree?Sheseemedshortwithme.
Ryland:She’sfine.Nothingyouneedtoworryabout.
Hisanswerfrustratesme.I’mnotblind.Icanseeshe’snotinagoodheadspace,andshe’sstressed.Whyisn’tshesayinganythingtome?Whyaretheybothpassingitoffasifeverythingisjustfine?
Hattie:Letmeguess,Ijustneedtoworryaboutschool.
Ryland:Exactly.Seeyoutomorrow,kid.
Ishakemyheadandtossmyphonetothesidebeforeleaningbackonthebed.School,that’salltheycareabout.IhadashorttimebackhomeafterCassidypassedbeforetheyrushedmebacktoschool,tellingmeitwouldbebesttogetbackintomyroutine.
ButthelastthingIwantedwastogetbackintoaroutine.Iwantedtobewiththem.IwantedtobewithMac.IwantedtofeelCassidysurroundme.
Ididn’tgetthat.Instead,Iwasgreetedwithacoldapartmentwithnofamilytohelpmethroughthepain.Theypushedmeawaythen,justlikethey’repushingmeawaynow,andIhavenoideawhy.
WhatamIsupposedtodo,Cassidy?
Whydidyouleaveus?ChapterFour
HAYES
She’slate.
Granted,it’sonlyoneminute,butshe’sstilllate.
Idon’tknowwhatcameovermeyesterday,butthemomentIknewIcouldforceHattieRowleyintohelpingme,Imadeithappen.Sure,Icouldfindsomeoneelsetoassistmewithmyoffice,maybesomeonelesstemperamental,butIalsosawthislookofdesperationinHattie’seyes,andIfeltthatdeepinmysoul.
Desperationwillgetthebestofus.Youeitherrisefromitoryousink,andI’veexperiencedboth.Desperationtoprovemyself,tomakesomethingofthepersonmyparentsbothabandoned,toshowthemthatIhavevalue.AndIsankbeforeIrose.
Idon’tknowHattiethatwell,butIdoknowsomethingabouttheRowleys.They’drathersinkbeforeaskingforhelp,especiallyfromme.
Sowhyevenbother?Becauseatthatmoment,asfearcrossedhereyeswhenIpointedoutshedidn’thaveajob,andshedidn’thaveschool,Isawmyselfinher,andIfeltthisinstinctualneedtotossherabone.
Well,notreallytossingherabonebutratherofferingheraveryunfairultimatum.
Atleastthat’swhatI’mconvincingmyselfofthismorning—thatIsawalittlepieceofmyselfinsidethosepoolsofgreenasshestaredupatme.
Ithasnothingtodowiththefactthatifherbrotherfoundoutabouthernewjobopportunity,he’dprobablymurderme.PissingoffRylandRowleyhasitscharms.
Orthefactthatshelookedincrediblyhotinthosespandexshorts.Ihatetoadmitit,butIcheckedherassoutmorethanIshouldhave.
Orthebrightgreenofhereyesthatseemedtocuttomyverycore.AcolorsogreenthatIthoughtaboutthemthemomentIwokeupthismorning.
Nope,noneofthat.ItwasthedesperationandpayingherdebtsbecauseshedidparticipateinthenightmyGrammywasstolen
IrestmyheadagainsttheAdirondackchaironmyporch,myhanddevoidofmymorningcoffee.CoffeethatIcoulduserightaboutnowafterasemi-sleeplessnight.
I’mabouttocheckthetimeagainwhenIhearthesoundofacarflyingdowntheroad.Iglanceupoverthehedgesjustintimetoseeaflashofredpullintothedriveway.Atleastsheknowsshe’slate.
Thecarturnsoff,herdoorslams,andshejogsuptothedoor,notnoticingmeonceagain.Whenshereachesthedoor,shetakesasecondtostraightenherT-shirtandpatdownherhairbeforesheringsthedoorbell.
Sherestsherhandsinfrontofher,waiting,andthat’swhenIsay,“You’relate.”
Shefliestotheside,startledtoherverycore.“Jesusfuck,Hayes.”
Ismileandstandfromthechair.Inapairofjeansandablackshirt,Istuffmyphoneinmypocketandmovepasthertoopenthedoor.
“I’llgiveyouthepasscodetogetintothehousesoyoudon’thavetoringthedoorbell.Ihateansweringthedoor.”
“Youjustenjoyscaringtheever-livingshitoutofpeople,instead.”
“Precisely,”IsayasImovetowardthekitchen.“Whenyouarrive,Iexpectyoutocomestraighttothecoffeemakerandmakemymorningcoffee.”
“Sowe’rejustgoingtogetrightdowntowork,nopleasantries.Likeahello,howareyou?”
Iraiseacontemplativebrow.“Ifyouexpectpleasantries,you’reworkingforthewrongperson.”
“Thatmuchisobvious,”shemutters.
Ishowherwherethecoffeepodsarestashedinthedrawer.“ThisiswhereIkeepmycoffee.”
Sheexaminesthecoffeepodsthatareallthesameflavor.TheonlyflavorIbotherdrinking.“Wow,don’tcareforavariety,doyou?”sheaskswithsarcasm.
“IknowwhatIlike,”Ianswer.“Whychangeit?”
“Idon’tknow…tolivelife?It’snotgoingtokillyoutotryadifferentcoffee.”
Iturntowardherandleanonehandagainstthecounter.Lookingherintheeyes,Isay,“LikeIsaid…IknowwhatIlike”—Ipausetodragmyeyesdownherbodyandbackup—“andIknowwhatIdon’tlike.Don’tchangethat.”
Hereyesnarrow.“Youdon’thavetoberude.”
“Notbeingrude,justtellingyouhowitis.Ifyouwantmetoberude,Icanbefuckingrude.”Iturnbacktothepodsandpickoneup.“Dropthisinthecoffeemaker,makesurethere’samugunderneath,andthen—”
“OhmyGod,I’mnotanidiot.IknowhowtomakeacupofKeurigcoffee.”
“Areyousure?BecauseyoudiddateMattforalongfuckingtime.Anyonewholetsthatmanstickaroundforthatlongseemstohaveascrewloose.”
“Yeah,sowhatdoesthatsayaboutyouforhiringhim?”
“Themanwasgoodatmaskinghimselfprofessionally,buthewasinsideyou,soyouknewhimmoreintimately.”
“Ew,don’tsayinsideme.”Shegrimaces.
“Wouldyourathermesayyoulethimcomeinsideyou?”
Hereyesshootopenasherjawdrops.Stunned,shesays,“Firstofall,thatiscompletelyoutoflinewhenitcomestoaprofessionalatmosphere.Iverywellmightsueyouforsexualharassment.”
“Goahead.BringitupwithHR…ohwait,you’rebeingpaidunderthetable.”
Thatmakesherlipstwisttogetherinannoyance.“Second,”shesaysslowly,“henevercameinsideme.Iwouldn’tlethim.Hewasalwayscovered.”
Interesting.
“Notthatyouneedtoknowthat,”shecontinuesandthenturnsbacktothecoffeemachine.“We’reofftopic.Anythingelseyouwanttoshowmeaboutyourcoffee,myprince?”
“King,”Isay.
“Huh?”sheasks.
“I’manythingbutaprince.Ifyouwanttoaddressme,youcanaddressmeasking…ordaddy.Neverprince.”
Asnortpopsoutofhermouth.“Oh,okay,letmejustgoaroundcallingyoudaddy.Sure,that’sgoingtohappen.You’redelusional.”
Iknewshewasgoingtobemouthy,challenging…defiant,buthell,Ididn’tknowIwasgoingtogetsomuchjoyoutofherattitude,atleastnotthisquickly.It’stemptingtofuckwithhereverychanceIget.
Imovepastherandgrabmyalmondmilkfromthefridge.Ihandittoherandsay,“Twosplashesandthenstir.”
“Youknow,ifyouputthealmondmilkinfirst,there’snoneedtostir.”
Isthishowthisisgoingtogo?Isshegoingtoargueeverygoddamnthing?
Ofcourseitis.She’saRowley,andjustbecauseshe’sheredoesn’tmeanshe’llmakeiteasyonme.
“Twosplashes,andthenstir,”IrepeattoletherknowI’mnotinterestedinherdoingitanyotherway.Ithenpulldowntherecipeformyproteinsmoothie.“Thisisformyproteindrinkinthemorning.Iwantbothservedatthesametime.”
“Served?”Herbrowsshootup.“Wasn’tawareI’dbeservingyou.”
“Inmybedroom.”
“Youcan’tbeserious.”Hershoulderssagindisbelief.
“OnethingyoucancountonwhenitcomestomeisthatI’malwaysserious.”
“Clearly.”Sherollshereyes.“Yourhouseistheno-funzone.Gotit.Now,willyouwantmetoservethisinamaid’soutfitsincethat’showyouseeme?”
“Whatyouwearisuptoyou.Ifyouwanttobesarcasticaboutit,byallmeans,wearamaid’soutfit.Justkeepyourtitsoutofmydrink.”
“Ohdamn.”Shesnapsherfingerinirritation.“AndhereIwasabouttostiryourcoffeewithmynipple.Whatisagirltodonow?”
Letmelicktheexcessoff…
“Followme,”Isay.Itakeherdowntheoppositehallwayfrommyofficetowardmybedroom.
“Areyoutakingmetoyourdungeonformouthingoff?BecauseanytortureyoumighthaveinmindwillnevermatchhavingtositthroughanightofMatttryingtofigureoutwheremyclitwas.”
Thatpausesme.
Iglanceovermyshoulderandcatchthewayshe’sworryingherlip.BeforeIcansayanything,shesays,“Idon’tknowwhyIsaidthat.I’mfeelingalittleunhingedatthemomentfromthishostileenvironment.Youbringitoutinme,butifyoumustknow,whichIknowyoudidn’task,butIwilltellyouanywaybecauseofthatlookonyourface,IthinkI’mbitteraboutthewholesituationwithMatt.Imean,ifitweren’tforhim,Iwouldn’tbestandinghere,payinghisduesforsomethinghedid,andofcourseyouwouldn’trealizethatbecauseallyouseeissomeonetoblameforwhathappenedtoyou,butinreality,Iwasjustdoingagooddeed.”Hereyeslineupwithmine.“Butyouknowhowitis.Karmanevercomesbacktobitetherightpersonintheass.Italwaysseemstosidestepandgrabtheinnocent.It’sjustlikewhenIfoundatwenty-dollarbillonthegroundatthegrocerystore.Insteadofkeepingitformyself,Ipaiditforwardandstuckitonsomeoneelse’swindshieldtobrightentheirday,andthendoyouknowwhathappenedtomefiveminuteslater?Acoppullsmeover.Ifthatwasn’tkarmaslappingmeintheface,thenthissurelyisbecauseallIwantedwasto—”
“Getyourboyfriendwhobrokeupwithyoufired,”Isaybeforeshecanfinishhertirade.Shestaresatmeblankly.Gother.Iknowexactlywhatshewasdoingcominghere.Sure,shereturnedmyGrammy,buttherewasamotivebehindit.“Lookslikekarmachosetherightperson.”Icontinuetomovedownthehall,andreluctantly,shedoestoo.
“Hedeservedtobefired,”shewhispers,notsurewhy.“Hewasstealingfromyou.”
“Butyoupurposelytriedtomesswithsomeone’slife,andtheuniversedidn’tlikethat.”
“Whataboutyou?”shefiresback.“You’remessingwithmylife.Where’syourslapinthefacebytheuniverse?”
“AmImessingwithyourlife?”IaskasIturnaroundandleanagainstthedoorframethatleadstomybedroom.“OramIgivingyouanopportunitytohidefromschool,hidefromthetruth,andearnsomecashwhiledoingit?”
“Ohhhh,no.”Sheshakesherhead.“Donotplaythesaintcardwithme.Iknowenoughaboutyoutoknowyou’reanythingbutasaint.”
“Isthatright?”Iask.“Tellme,whatdoyouknowaboutme?”
Shegoestoopenhermouthandthenclosesitasshetakesasecondtothink.
“That’swhatIthought,”IsayasIpushmybedroomdooropen.
“You’reanass,”shesaysquickly.“Ajerk.Youtakewhatyouwantwithoutanythoughtofthepeoplearoundyou.”
“Doyouknowthatfirsthand,orareyoujusthearingstoriesfromyourbrother?”
“Givenmycurrentpredicament,Iknowthatfirsthand.”Sheraisesherchin,asifshegotme.Littledoessheknow,herassumptionisthefurthestthingfromthetruth,butshedoesn’tneedtoknowthat.
Ignoringher,Ipushthedoortomyroomopenandwalkin.
“Thisismybedroom,”Isay.Shepeeksinside,andIwatchhercarefullyassheobservesthedark,almostmidnightroom—concretefloors,nearlyblackwallsandmolding,andablack-framedbedwithgrayvelvetbedding.Theonlylightintheroomcomesfromthefloor-to-ceilingwindowsoverlookingtheocean
“Uh…whyareyoushowingmeyourbedroom?Becauseifyouexpectmeto—”
“Soyouknowwheretobringmydrinks,”Isay,exasperated.“Jesus,areyoupayingattention?”
“Oh,that’sright.”Shenervouslysmiles.“Youjustgetmyfeathersallruffled.AndIknowyouhaveareputation,so—”
“IfthereisonethingIcanguarantee,it’sthatyou’renothereasafucktoy.Ihavenointerestintakingyourclothesoff,sowhateverreputationyouthinkIhave,itdoesn’tapplytoyou.”
“Well.”Shecrossesherarms.“Can’thearthatenough.”
Iraiseabrow.“Really?AngrythatIwon’tfuckyou?”
“No…Imean…no.”Sheshakesherhead.“Butyoudon’thavetomakemefeellikeatroll.”
“You’reachild,”IsayasImovepasther.“Ipreferwomenwithmoreexperience.”
Shechasesafterme.“Twenty-fourisnotachild,andIhaveexperience.”
Iturnonherandsay,“Notfiveminutesago,youtoldmeMatthadahardtimefindingyourclit.Doyoureallyconsiderthatexperience?”
“Experienceinpatience,yes.”
“Soyouwantmetofuckyouthen?”
“No!”sheshouts.“Ijust…”
“Youwantthesatisfactionofknowingthatyou’redesirable,right?YouwanttoknowthatHayesFarrowfindsyouattractive.You’rebarkingupthewrongtree.”
BesttoputherinherplacenowbecauseeventhoughIdofindherattractive,andIcouldeasilygetlostinhereyes,Iwon’tallowmyselftoexplorethoseinternaldesires.Shehasajobtodo,andthat’sit.
Fromherexpression,Icanseesheprobablywantstomurdermerightaboutnow,butIdon’tcare.She’snotheretobemyfriend.Ineedhelpwithmyoffice,andshehappenedtobeintherightplaceattherighttime—nottomention,shepossiblyneedsevenmorehelpthanIdo.
SoIcontinuedownthehallwaytowardtheothersideofthehouse,andshesilentlyfollows.WhenIreachthekitchen,Isnagmycupofcoffeeandmovetowardtheoffice.
“Don’tyouwantmetomakeyoursmoothie,yourmajesty?”sheasks.
“I’dratheryougetstartedontheoffice.We’vealreadywastedenoughtimewithyourlatearrival.”
“Byoneminute,notsurethatmakesadifference.”
“MakesadifferenceontheopinionIhaveofyou,”Ireplywhenwereachmyoffice.
“Well,goodthingHRisn’tinvolved,right?Can’tgetreprimandedifthere’snoofficialemployment.”
Suchasmart-ass.
Ipushtheofficedooropenandgestureforhertoenter.Sheglancesupatme,andIcatchtheirritationinhereyesbeforeshemovespastmeandintotheroom.
“Leaveittomentomakeawomancleanupthemesstheycreated.”Shetoesafewboxes.“Seriously,howdoessomeoneaccumulatethismuchcrapanddonothingwithit?”
“Someonewhoisneverhome.”
“Clearly.”Sheturnstowardme,handsonherhips.“Howdoyouwantmetohandlethis?I’mnotintotrashingthings.Ourlandfillsarefullenough.”
“Iwouldn’twantyoutotrashanythingeither,”Ireplybeforetakingasipofmycoffee.“IneedyoutogothrougheverypieceofmailandsetasidethemostimportantlettersIneedtorespondto.”
“Wouldn’tyouthinkeveryletterisimportant?Imean,yourfansarethereasonyouarewhereyouareasstatedbyyouyesterday.”
“Idon’thavetimetorespondtoeveryletter.”
“Thenwhatwouldyouqualifyasimportant?”
“Likeifakidwrotetome,orifsomeonewasgoingthrougharoughtimewhilelisteningtomymusic,somethinglikethat.”
“Isee.”Shereachesdownandpicksupapartiallyopenedenvelope.Shepullsoutapieceofpaper,andhereyeswidenbeforesheturnsittowardme.“Andthesenakedselfies,whatshouldIdowiththose?”
Iglanceatthepictureofawomaninfrontofamirror,completelynaked.
“Isthereascrapbookyouhaveofthese,alittlecollection?”
“Shredit,”Isay,unamused.
“Areyousure?I’mprettygoodatscrapbooking.”
“Theshredderisinthecorner.Shredanythingthat’snotimportant.Keeptheclippings,Idropthemoffatthecompostingcenter.Butifthepictureisphotomaterial,keepthatseparatefromthepaperclippings,asthosecan’tgotothecompost.”
“Doyoureallydropclippingsoffatthecompostcenter?”sheasks,surprised.
“Yes.Nowstartwiththemail.Therearemorebagsinthegarage.Icancarrytheminherewhenyou’rereadyforthem.”
“Okay,”sheanswers.“CanIgrabsomewaterorsomethingtodrink,oramIimprisonedinthisroom?”
Dramaticmuch?
“You’renotrestrictedtothisroom,”Ianswer.“Ifyouwanttomoveintothelivingroomtospreadout,haveatit.Justdon’tgointheroomacrossfrommybedroom.Otherthanthat,youhavefreerange.”
“Ooo,isthatlikeawestwingtypeofthing?”
Mybrowspulltogetherinconfusion.“What’sthat?”
“Youknow,howthebeastfromBeautyandtheBeastislikedon’tgointhewestwing?”
Understandingfallsoverme.“No,it’smystudioandI’mtryingtowork.Idon’tneedyouneedlingmewithyoursmart-assquestionsandcomments.”
“Oh…studio,huh?Writingsomenewmusic?”
“What’sittoyou?”
“Nothing.”Sheglancesaway.“Butaccordingtomyfriend,whoisafan,youhaven’treleasedanythingnewinawhile.”
Yeah,becausemymindhasbeenanemptyvesselforthepastyear.
Touring.
Drinking.
Partying.
Loneliness…
Itwilldothat…squashanycreativeflow.
“I’vebeentouring.Hardtoreleasenewmusicwhenyou’retravelingtheworldnonstop.”
“I’msure.”Shemovespastmeandheadsdownthehallwaytothekitchen.Thistime,Ifollowher.“Solet’ssayIwashungry,couldIpopopenthiscabinetandgraba…”Hervoicefallsoffasshenoticesthere’snothinginmycabinet.Shemovestothepantryanddiscoversnothingreallyinthereaswell.Whensheturnsaroundtofaceme,sheasks,“Whereareyoursnacks?”
“Don’thaveany.”
“What?Howcanyounothavesnacks?Youhavealmondcreamer,butnotsnacks?”
“Don’treallyneedthem,”Ianswer.
“Uh,everyoneneedssnacks.”Sheshakesherhead.“Ican’tworkundertheseconditions.Ineedsnacks.”
“Areyoutellingmeyoucan’tgetanythingdoneiftherearen’tsnacksinthehouse?”
“Exactly.”
Sighing,Igrabmywalletfromthecounterandpulloutafewhundreddollars.Ihandthemovertoherandsay,“Grabsnacks,somefruitandveggies,aswellashummusfromthegeneralstore.”
“Pardonme,butthat’snotpartofthejobdescription.”
“Ifyouwantsnacks,itisnow.Yourchoice.”Ithenpullmyphoneoutofmypocketandhandittoher.“Plugyournumberinthere.”
Shetakesmyphone.“Isthissoyoucancallmeatallhoursofthenightandmakemorerequeststhatdon’tfallunderthejobdescription?”
“Youknow,Icouldhiresomeoneelseandjustreportyoutothepolice.Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Asshetypesaway,sheglancesupatme.“Youknowthat’snotwhatIwant.”
“Thenenoughwiththesmart-asscomments.Jesus.”
“Can’ttakealittlesarcasm.Noted.”Shehandsmebackmyphone.“I’minyourphoneunderWench.”
“Charming,”Ireplyandpocketmyphone.“Last,wereyouabletofindaplacetostay?”
Herheadtiltstotheside.“Man,withacommentlikethat,italmostseemslikeyoucareaboutme.”
“Icareaboutyougettingtoworkontime,andifyou’resleepinginyourcar,thatmightbeasetback.”
Herexpressionfallsflat.“Yes,I’mstayinginasmallstudioaboveTheAlmondStore.Youknow,incaseyouneedtofetchme…errrr,actually,don’tfetchme.”
Thatmakesmeinwardlysmile.“Why?Don’twantyourfamilyfindingoutwhoyou’reworkingwith?”
“Exactly.TheythinkIhaveaninternshipupthecoast,andwhythehelldidIjusttellyouthat?”Shelooksupattheceilinginfrustration.“Ugh,nowyou’rejustgoingtousethatagainstme.Morefodderforyou.”
“Soyoutoldyourfamilythatyou’rehereforaninternship,notbecauseyoufailedoutthissemester?Wow,diggingyourselfahole,don’tyouthink?”
“Howaboutthis,”shesays,lookingmedeadintheeyes.“I’llmindmybusiness,andyoumindyours.”
“Finebyme,”IanswerasIturnawayfromher.“Ihavenoproblemstayingoutofyourway.”
“Good,”shereplies.Asecondlater,sheasks,“SowoulditbecoolifIwenttograbthosesnacksnow?”
JesusChrist.
“Yes,”IgroanasImovetowardmystudio.
***
I’minthemiddleofstrummingmyguitarwhenthereisaloudcrashinthekitchenfollowedbya“Noooooo.”
Hattiejustgotback—anhourlater—fromgettingsnacks,andIcaughtsightofherbringingmorepaperbagsintothehousethanIexpected.Ithoughtshewasjustgrabbingsnacks.Ididn’tthinkshewasgrabbingaweek’sworthofgroceries.
Isetmyguitardownbecause,frankly,I’vedonenothingproductiveforthepasthourotherthanplaythesamethreechordsoverandoveragain,andIheadoutintotheopenlivingspacethatconnectswiththekitchen,whereIfindHattiekneelingonthefloor,lookingcompletelydistressed.
“Whathappened?”Iask.
Sheglancestothesideandsays,“Idroppedmypickles.”
“What?”Ipeeroverthecounterandseeabrokenjarofpicklesonthefloor.“Yougotpicklesforasnack?”
“Yes,ifyoumustknow.Ilovethem,andwhenItriedtoopenthelid,thejarslippedoutofmyhandandbroke.Nowmylifeisover.”
Okay…
“Doyouneedmyhelpcleaningthemup?”
“No,”shesaysasshestands.“Justtellmewhereyourcleaningstuffis.”
“Underthesink.”Clearlyupset,shewalksovertothesinkandpullsoutpapertowelsaswellascleaner.“Youcanputthebrokenglassinabagaswellasthepickles.I’lltosstheminthetrashlater,”Isay.
“Fine,”shesaysasshesniffs.
Wait…isshe…isshecrying?
Ibendatthewaist,tryingtogetagoodlookather,butIcan’tquitecatchhereyes.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks,headdown.“Icanfeelyoustaringatme.”
“Areyoureallythatupsetoverpickles?”
“Justleavemealone.”Shestartspickingupthebrokenjar’slargeshardsandputtingtheminaplasticbag.
Ithinkshe’supset,andforsomefuckingreason,Ifeelbadforher.
Annoyinglybad.
They’repickles.Whyisshesoupsetoverfuckingpickles?
Maybeshelikessnacksthatmuch.Whofuckingknows.Ishouldn’tcare.
But…
Asmallpieceofmyblacksoulflickersaliveforabriefmoment.
“Weretheyspecialpickles?”
“Isaidjustleavemealone,Hayes.”Sheswipesathernoseandcontinuestocleanup.
Okay…
“Areyousureyoudon’tneedhelp?”Iask,becausefrankly,Idon’tknowhowtoleavethissituation.
“Positive,”sheanswersbutdoesn’tlookmyway,justcontinuestopickthepicklesuponeatatimeanddepositthemintothebag.
Iguessthat’sthat.
Confusedandfeelingaslighttightnessinmychest,Ireturntomystudioandsitonmycouch.Insteadofpickingupmyguitar,Istareoutthewindow,Hattie’ssadexpressionimprintedonmybrain.
Hersnifflesechothroughmyhead.
Herreluctancetolookupatmeisannoying.
Ishouldn’tcare.Shebrokeherpicklejar.Whofuckingcares?
Ireallyshouldjustletitgo,but…hell,Ifeelfuckingbad.
Andwhy?
WhydoIfeelbad?
MaybebecausenomatterhowhardItrytodenyit,Ireallydohaveaheart
EventhoughIliketopaintmyselfastheassholeandridethatpersonatothegrave,apartofmeistryingtobreakthroughthattoughexteriorandmakehimselfknown.
Fuck.
Andforsomeannoyingreason,he’stryingtobreakthroughwhenitinvolvesHattie.
Onceagain,it’sthedesperationinhereyes.
Thesadness.
Iliftfromthecouchandheadouttowardthekitchenagain.Isnagmywalletfromthecounterandmovetowardthegarage.“I’llbeback,”Isay,climbingintomycar.
***
Ihatemyself.
Truly…trulyhatemyself.
Forone,Ishouldbeworkinginmystudio,tryingtocomeupwithlyricsthatmightmakemystudioexecshappy.Instead,Ispentforty-twodollarsandninety-twocentsonpicklesatthegeneralstore,aswellashalfanhourinthepicklesection,rackingmybraintorememberwhatthegodforsakenjarthatshedroppedlookedlike.
Theentiretime,Iwasinwardlychastisingmyselfforevencaring.ThisisHattieRowley.Ihavenotiesandnoconnectionstoher.Itechnicallyforgotsheevenexisteduntilshetriedtosecretlydepositthatboxonmyfrontporch,yethereIam,caringthatshedroppedfuckingpicklesonmyconcretefloor.That’sasmellI’msurewilllivethereforever,nomatterhowmanytimesIcleanit.
There’snoreasonformetodothis
Therefore,I’mblamingmyerraticactionsonprocrastination.I’dapparentlyratherspendmytimeinthepickleaislewithDeeDeeColemanstaringmedownwithasneeronherlipsthanonmystudiocouchwithmyguitaracrossmylapandapeninmyhand.
Someone,pleaseexplaintomehowthismakessense.
Irritatedwithmyself,Iexitmycarwithareusablebagfullofpickles,andIheadintothehouseandstraighttomyoffice,onlytostophalfwayinthehallwaywhenIhearthetelltalesoundsofmusic,butnotjustanymusic..TheMamas&thePapas
Holyshit.
Colormeshocked.
Iwouldn’thaveexpectedHattieeventoknowwhoTheMamas&thePapasare,letalonesoftlysingtotheirmusic.Andhell,hervoiceisn’ttoobadatall.
Nottomention,it’soneofmyfavoritesongs:DedicatedtotheOneILove.
Ican’trememberthelasttimeIlistenedtoTheMamas&thePapas,buttheirflawlessharmoniesalwayscapturedme.JohnPhillips’ssongwritingmirroredthatofTheBeatles,whileDennyDohertyledthegroupwithhispurevoice.MichelleandMamaCass,fuckingperfecttogether,theirvoicesharmonizingsowellthatitalmostfeltliketheywereonehuman,onepowerhousestakingclaimtothesong.
Hell,hearingthemagainmakesmewanttosearchfortherecordIhaveoftheirsandplayitonmyCrosleyrecordplayer.
Hmm…
Maybethat’snotabadidea.Icouldpossiblyusethemassomeinspiration
Althoughtheywerebetterknownfortheirsunshinepop,I’mmoresuitedforadarkfolkyvibe.Nonetheless,anyinspirationisgoodinspiration.
Picklesinhand,Imakemywaytotheofficeandknockonthedoor.Notsurewhy.It’smyhouse,myoffice,afterall,butjustoutofrespect.
Themusicstops,andHattiesays,“Comein.”
Iopenthedoorandspothersittingcross-leggedontheground,pilesoflettersandemptyenvelopesscatteredacrossthefloor.
Whensheseesme,sheimmediatelysays,“There’sanordertothismadness.Sodon’tjudgeme.”
“Didn’tcomeheretojudge,”Ireply,feelingawkwardbecausethisissooutsideofmycomfortzone.I’mtrulyhavinganout-of-bodyexperience.“Justcametodropthisoff.”Isetthebaginfrontofher,notevenhandingittoher.That’showuncomfortableIam
Withaconfusedlook,shepeersintothebagandthenbackupatme.“Yougotmepickles?”
Thatlookofsurpriseandthelackofdisdainformeinhereyesmakesmeveryuneasy.See,thisiswhyIshouldn’tdonicethingsbecauseitconfuseseveryone…evenme.
Ipullonthebackofmyneck.“Ididn’tknowwhatkindyouwerecryingover—”
“Iwasn’tcryingoverthem.Iwasjust…upset.”
Itseemedlikeshewascrying,butIwon’tpushit.
“Eitherway,Ididn’tknowwhatkind,soIjustgotoneofeach.”
Hereyesstayfixedonme,studying,tryingtoseeintothedepthsofmydarksoul.
Idon’tlikeit.
Idon’tlikehowexposeditmakesmefeel.
LikeI’mnakedandraw,ripeforthepicking.
Afterafewseconds,sheasksindisbelief,“Yougotmepickles?”
She’ssofteningtowardme,Icanseeitinthewaysheslowlylowersherdefenses,andIdon’tlikeit.Iwantherannoyedwithme.Angry.Irritated.Soiratewithfrustrationoverbeingmyassistantthatshecontemplatesspillingmymorningcoffeeonme.
Notetoself,don’tdofuckingnicethings.
“Canyounotmakeabigdealoutofthis?”
“Butthisisnice.You’renotnicetomeormyfamily,sowhywouldyoudothis?”
PreciselywhatI’mtryingtofigureout.
“Idon’tknow,yougotme,”Isay,tossingmyhandsupintheair.“Probablylostmygoddamnmind.”Iadjustthehatthatrestsonmyhead.“Justeatthefuckingpickles,okay?”
“Okay,”shereplies.“Thankyou.”
Icringe.No…no,shecan’tbegrateful.That’stoomuch.
“Nothanksneeded.Forgetitevenhappened.”Andwiththat,Iheadoutoftheroomandbacktomystudio,whereIsitdownonthecouchandgroan.
Fuck,whydidIdothat?ChapterFive
HATTIE
“Howwasyourfirstday?”MaggieasksintothephoneasIdrivefromHayes’shousetothefarmtovisitwithMacandRyland.
“Weird,”Ireply.
“Weird,how?”
“Well,onceagain,hewassittingoutsideonhisporch,thistimewaitingforme.Iwasaminutelate,andhemadeabigdealaboutit.”
“Themanneedshiscoffee,whatareyoudoingbeinglate?”
“Shutyourprettymouth.”Webothlaugh.“Andthenheshowedmehowtomakehiscoffee,gavemeaquicktourofhisbedroom,andtookmetohisoffice.WhenIsaythismanreceivesfanmail,I’mnotkidding.Ispenteighthoursworkingtodayandgothalfwaythroughonebag.AndMaggie,ohmyGod,thenakedpictureshegets.”
“Really?”Maggieasks,hervoicefullofhumor.
“Yes,like…somanynakedpictures,andthesegirlsaregorgeous.Someoftheirboobs…I’mreallyjealous.”
“You’rejealousofanyonewithboobssinceyoudon’thaveanyyourself.”
“Facts,butseriously,likeeventheirnipplesareperfect,nottheslightestbitwonky.Although,Iguessifyoutakeapictureofyourselfnakedandsendittoapopularsinger,youwouldn’thavewonkynipples.”
“Whatisawonkynipple?”Maggieasks.
“Youknow,likeifoneisahamburgerandtheotherisahotdog.”
“What?”Maggielaughs.
“Like…ifonenippleislongerhorizontallyandtheotherislongervertically.”
“Youthinkthat’swonky?Icallthatexciting.Myrightnippleislongerthanmyleft,andIalwaystellmyselfit’sbecausethatnipplewastryingharderwhengrowing.Andyouknowwhat,I’dtotallysendanakedpicturetoHayesFarrowifIweren’tworriedthatpicturewouldsomehowresurfaceandcomebacktobitemyweddingbusinessintheass.OrelseHayeswouldbestaringdownthebarreloftwonon-wonkyyetexcitingandpuzzlingnipples.”
Iletoutalightlaugh.“Puzzlingnipples,nowyouknowthat’ssomethingIcouldgetonboardwith.AndifIthinkaboutit,mynipsareatouchwonkytoo.”
“Ibetifyoulookedclosely,thepicturednippleshaveawonkinesstothemtoo.Thatortheladiesfacetunedthem.”
“Canyoufacetuneanipple?”
“Ithinkyoucanfacetuneanythingatthispoint.Technologyisfreaky,”shesays.
“Iguessso,butyeah,lotsofnipples.”
“Whatareyougoingtodowiththenipples?Makethemintoacollage?Turnthemintoapuzzle?Oooo,imagineapuzzleofjustnipples.”
“I’ddoit,”Isay.
“Iknowyouwould,andyouwouldtakeitseriously.”
“Iwould.Nomatterthepicture,everypuzzledeservesthesameamountoftimeandattention.”
“Youareso…perfect,”Maggiesayswithalaugh.She’salwaysthoughtmypuzzlingwas,assheputit,cute.“Sowhatdoyoudowiththepictures?”
“Hetoldmetoshredthem,butIfeelbadjustshreddingthepictures.Thesewomentooktheirtimetoposeandprintapictureforhim,sobeforeIsendthemdowntheshredder,Ioffertheladyinsaidpictureasilentcompliment.”
“Stop,noyoudon’t.”Shechuckles.
“Ido!”Isay.“ItellthemhowIlikedtheangletheychose,orwow,goodjobshavingeverything,orlovelypiercings.”
“Onlyyou,Hattie.”
“Theydeservethepraise.Ittakesgutstosendthoseandworrywhyyoudon’tgetaresponse.Soasilentpraise,Ithink,isgood.ButIhavetosay,afewofthemhavemademeconsideranipplepiercing.”
“We’vegoneoverthis,theminutetheyclampyournipple,you’regoingtobekickinganyoneinsighttogetawayfromyou.Youcouldneverdoit.”
“Iknow,buttheseladiesmakemedreamthatIcould.”
“Don’tletthemconvinceyou.”Maggielaughs.
“Iwon’t.Butanyway,thenakedpicturesweren’ttheweirdpart.”
“That’saplottwist.Colormeintrigued.Whatwastheweirdpart?”
“Well,Inoticedhedidn’thavesnacksoranyfoodforthatmatter.Itwaseerilyweird.Notevenabottleofketchup.SoItoldhimIneededsnacks.”
“Naturally.Youcan’tfunctionwithoutatleastagranolabarinhand.Ihopeheunderstoodthat.”
“Hegotthehintrealquick.Hegavememoneytogogetsnacksandaskedforsomehealthyshit,whichannoyedme—”
“Likewhat?Vegetablecrudités?”
“Uh,yeah.”
“Ugh,thatmakesmehatehim.Tryadonut,Hayes.Itwon’tbreakthefinallystackedabsyou’vecreated.”
“Tellmeaboutit,”Iagreewithher.“Anyway,Ireturnedwitheverythingyouwouldexpectinmygrocerybags.Chips,cookies,candy…somefruitsandveggiesforhim.SomeofthosepretzelpeanutbutterthingsIloveandmycovetedpickles.”
“TheonesthatyouandCassidywouldsnackoneverysummer?”
“Theexactones.”Maggiegetsit.SheknowsallaboutmypickleobsessionwithCassidy.Onesummer,whenshecametovisit,Maggiewasdrawnintothepickleeating.Shewenthomewithafewjars.“IwassohappytoseethemthatInearlycriedinthestore.SoIboughtthem,obviously,broughtthembacktohisplace,andwhenIwastryingtoopenthem,Idroppedthem.”
“Nooo,”sherepliesindistress.“Notthepickles.”
“Yup,”Isay.“Andguesswhohasconcretefloors?”
“HayesfuckingFarrow.”
“Ohyes,”Ianswer,stillmourningtheillicitdropofthejar.
“Whatadisaster.Andwhohasconcretefloors?Youdon’tseethatchoiceinhousesoften.”
“Yeah,andsincethemanissominimalisticwithhisdecorating,therewasnotanarearuginsighttosavetheglassfrombreaking.IwassodistraughtIalmoststartedcrying.ThankGodIdidn’tbecausehecametochecktoseewhattheruckuswas.Andthendoyouknowwhathedid?”
“Kickyouintheearanddemandyoucleanitup?”
“What?”Iaskwithalaugh.
“Justtryingtokeeptheconversationlively.”
“Takeitdownanotch.”Ichuckle.“Hedidn’tkickmeintheear,buthedidleavethehouseforalmostanhour,andwhenhecameback,hehadabagfullofpickles.Allforme.”
There’sapauseontheotherendandI’mabouttoaskherifsheheardme,butthenshesays,“Wait,hegotyoupickles?”
“Yup,everyflavorthegeneralstorehad.”
“OhmyGod,”shewhispers.
“Yeah,Iknow,weird.Hedroppedthebagoffandleft.Ididn’tknowwhattodowhenheleft,soIjustsatthere,staringatthemforprobablytenminutes.I’mstillconfused.Theconversationwehadbeforethatwastenseandirritable.Wewerebothgoingateachotherandthen…pickles.”
“Pickles,”shesayssoftly.
“Yeah…pickles,”Imutter,stillutterlyconfusedabouttheaction.
ThisisHayesFarrowwe’retalkingabout.Hehasbeennothingbutrudeandobnoxioustothetownandtousasafamily.Hedoesn’tcarewhohehurts,hejusttakeswhathewants.Theonlypeoplehe’snicetoarehisgrandma,Abel,andRodney.That’sit.
Hecouldn’tcarelessaboutthetownhegrewupin.
Doesn’tparticipateinanyfundraisers.
Andwillwalkalloveryoutogetwhathewants,hencemycurrentsituation
Sothepickles…yeah,thatwasveryconfusing.
“Whatif…”Maggiepausesforamoment.“Whatifhelikesyou?”
OhMaggie,howdidIknowshewouldjumptothatconclusion?
“Please,Maggie,pleasedon’tstartwiththat.Iknowyourlittleromanticheartalwaysthinksthebestofeveryoneandeverysituation—exceptickyMatt—butHayesFarrowlikingmeiscompletelyoffthetable.Sooffthetablethatheactuallymadeitapointtotellme,straighttomyface,thathehadnodesiretotakemyclothesoff.”
“OhGod,hesaidthattoyou?”
“Yup,madeitquiteclearhe’snotattractedtomeintheslightest.Sothepickleshavenothingtodowithanyattraction.”
“Maybehewasmasking—”
“Hesaiditseveraltimes.Evenlookedmeupanddownafewtimes.Itwas…itwasrude.Trustme,Ithinkhe’drathermakelovetothebrokenjarofpicklesthanevenconsiderpeelingmybraoffme.”
“Huh,wellthat’sdisappointing,butalsoconfusing,becausehe’sneverbeennicetoyou,sowhywouldhegiveyoupickles?”
“Thequestionoftheday.Itoldyou,itwasweird.”IseethefarmupaheadandinwardlysighasIspotthesplit-railfenceIhelpedCassidybuild.Westarteditwiththebestofintentions,dreaminguphowbeautifulitwillmakethefarm,butveryquicklygotsickofputtingittogetherandneverfinishedbecausementally,wecouldn’tdoitanymore.However,theportionwedidbuildstillstands.
Anditstandsbeautifully.
Icanstillhearherfrustratedlaughteraswe’dsliponeendin,onlyfortheotherendtopopout.
God,thiswillbehard.Memoriesarealreadyfloodingme.
“Notsurehowtotakethispickledelivery,butI’mgoingtothinkonitbecause…howweird.”
“Yup,”Isighintothephone.“Okay,I’mhere.Ishouldgo.”
“Havefunandifyouneedsomeonetotalktoafter,I’mhereforyou.”
“Thankyou,”Isay,knowingdamnwellIhavethebestfriendever.IhangupthephoneandpulldownthedirtroadleadingtoCassidy’sfarmhouse.It’squaintwithtwobedroomsandonebathandhaseverythingsheneedsforherandMac.Needed.It’severythingCassidyandMacneeded.
Thepotatofieldsarescatteredallaroundit,givingthewholeplaceaveryearthyscent.
Andyes,Isaidpotato,notalmond.
Iknowwhatyou’reprobablythinking—whywouldshehaveapotatofarmwhenshehasanalmondstore?
Itwasaquestionweallaskedtoo,untilsheunveiledhermasterplan.
Yousee,sheharveststhepotatoesandmakesvodkawiththem.Aspecialvodkashesellsaroundthetown,aswellasinherstore,evenalmondflavored.Shedid.Shemade…
It’sstillsohardtobelieveshe’sgone.Andthateverythingaboutherisnowpasttense.
Thiswasalsowheresheexcelled.Atbusiness.Shesoldtheleftoverpotatoestothelocalrestaurantstouseforfresh-cutfries.Provisions,theburgerplaceintown,isbestknownfortheirfriesandhasevenstartedafrybarsopeoplecanloaduponwhatevertoppingstheywant.
Withthevodka,shebottleditandsolditbutalsomadealmondextractwithit.
Famousalmondextract.
Thebestalmondextractinthestate.Californiaisknownforproducingthemostalmondsinthecountry,andCassidytookadvantageofthat.Homemadevodkaturnedintoalmondextractthatshethensoldtosomeofthetoppastrychefsinthestate.It’swhatAubreecontinuestodonow.
AndthereasonAubreewasprobablyfreakingoutaboutthebottleswasbecausetheextractisinhighdemand.
It’sanodd,eccentricbusinessmodel,butboy,diditwork.Now,TheAlmondStoreisamainstopforanyonetravelingupthePacificCoastHighwayorinNorthernCaliforniaingeneral.Theycomeforthealmondvodka,thealmondextract,andthetoasted,roastedalmonds.Theycomeforthealmondbutter,thecreamer,themilk.Theycomeforthepastries,thecandles,theillustratedalmondcards.It’seasilythesweeteststoreI’veeverwalkedinto,perfectlyexecuted,anditkillsmeknowingthatshe’snolongerheretoseeherhardworkpayoff.
IparkthecarinfrontofthewhitefarmhouseandunbucklemyseatbeltjustasMacfliesoutofthescreendooranddowntheporch.
Aheadofbouncybrowncurlsandfrecklesjustlikemine,butblueeyeslikeherfather,sheisthespittingimageofCassidy.AndwithahorsestuffynamedChewyCharlestuckedunderherarm,sheboundsovertomycardoorandknocksonthewindow,abrightsmileonherface.
Jesus,seeingthejoyonherfacenearlybreaksmeinhalfbecausethisgirlhasbeenthroughmorethananypersonshouldgothrough,andshe’sonlyfour.Yetlookatthatsmile.Lookatherexcitement.IfIwereher,I’mnotsureI’dexudesuchjoy.
Iopenthedoor,andsheleapsintomyarms.“AuntHattie,”shesquealswhilegivingmealargehug.“You’rehere.You’rehere.You’rehere.”
“Hey,babygirl,”IsayasIreturnthehugjustintimetoseeRylandwalkoutthedooraswellandleanagainstoneofthepolesontheporch,armscrossed.
Justfromonelook,Icantellhe’sbeenrunragged.
Andheprobablyhas.
Idon’tthinkitwaseverinhisplanstohavekids,yethereheis,asingledadtoalittlegirlwhojustlosthermotherafewmonthsago.Nottomentionlivinginhisdeadsister’shousewhilebeingafull-timemathteacherandvarsitybaseballcoachforoneofthemostprestigioushighschoolsinthestate,specificallyknownforitsathleticsprogramdespitethetown’ssize.
Fridaynightlightsmeansomethingcompletelydifferenthere.Insteadofhittingupthegridiron,thetownralliesaroundthefencesofthebaseballdiamond.
“ChewyCharlesissoexcitedtoseeyou,”shesaysasshemakesalickingsoundandmimicsherhorselickingmyface.
“Hi,ChewyCharles,”Isay.“I’vemissedyoutoo.”
“Hesaysyoutastelikebroccoli.”
“Oh,Idon’tknowifthat’sacomplimentornot.”
Shecurlshernose.“Hesaysitdoesnottastegood.”
“Soooonotacompliment.”
“What’sacomplent?”
“Compliment.”Ichucklesoftlywhilecorrectingher.“It’swhensomeonesayssomethingniceaboutyou.”
“Oh.”ShebringsChewyCharlestoherearandlistensashe“speaks”toher.Thewholetime,shenods.
“What’shesaying?”Iask.
Hereyesnarrowatme.“That’sprivate,AuntHattie.Andwerespectprivacy.”
Inod.“Thatwedo.”
Shehopsoffmylap,andwithChewyCharlesunderherarm,shesays,“Butbetweenyouandme,hedoesn’twanttolickyouagain.”
Andthenshetakesoff.
Insultedbyagoddamnstuffy.Ican’timaginewhatChewyCharlessaysaboutRyland.
Sherunsbackintothehouse,andRylandwaitsformeasIgetoutofmycarandwalkuptohim.Hepullsmeintoahug,tighterthanAubreebutnotastightasCassidy.Asolidmediumbetweenthetwo.
“Hey,brother.”
“Hey,sis,”hesaysbeforeopeningthedoortothehouseforme.“Howareyou?”
“Good,”IsayeventhoughI’vedefinitelybeenbetter.Idon’twanttotipanythingoff.
“Handlingthebreakupokay?”
“Whatbreakup?”Macasksasshejumpsonthereclinerchairbesidethewindowthatoverlooksthepotatofields.
“Mac,Isaidnojumpingonthechair,”RylandsaysinanauthoritativevoiceIheardmanytimesgrowingup.He’sraisedmejustasmuchasCassidy.Tag-teamingmewheneverwewerehometogether.
Sheflopsdownonherbottomandasksagain,“Whatbreakup?”
“MattandIarenolongerdating,”Ianswer.
“Oh…”ShelookstothesideandthenbringsChewyCharlestoherear.Shenodsandsays,“Wedidn’tlikehim.Hepokedmyshoulder,andIdidn’tlikethat.”
“Icanunderstandthat.”Imutter,“Hetriedpokingmebutalwaysseemedtomiss.”
“Hattie,”Rylandsaysunderhisbreath.
“What?”Iwhisper,“Shedidn’thearme.”
Rylandwhispersback,“Shehearseverything.”
“UncleRyRy,what’sfordinner?”
“Hotdogsandbeans,”Rylandanswersashemovestowardthekitchen.“Gopottyandwashup.Itshouldbereadysoon.”
SheflingsChewyCharlesintheairandthenboltsupstairsasIfollowRylandintothekitchen,takinginthehouseandhownothinghaschanged.Notonepictureisoutofplace,notonepieceoffurniture.TheonlythingmissingisCassidy’swarmpresenceandsuperiorcooking.
“Hotdogsandbeans,huh?”IaskasIsitonthecounterinthecornerofthekitchenlikeIdidmanytimeswhenCassidywascooking.
Rylandlightsupthestoveandpoursacanofopenedbeansintothepot.“It’sthebestI’vegotrightnow.”Hegoestothefridgeandpullsoutapackofhotdogs.“Iwanttotakesomecookinglessonsbuthaven’thadanyfuckingtime.TrustmewhenIsayIfeellikeshitservingthistoher.IknowCassidywouldbepissed.”
“Ididn’tmeantomakeyoufeelbad.Iknowyou’redoingthebestyoucan,Ryland.”
“Icouldbedoingbetter.”Hepullsoutaknifeandthenlooksoveratme.“Didyouknowtheyhavespiritdaysinpreschool?Apparently,alllastweekwasspiritweek,andIhadnogoddamnidea.Ipickedherupfromdaycare,andshewascryinghystericallybecauseshedidn’thavecrazyhairlikeeveryoneelse.”Heshakeshisheadandstartscuttingthehotdogsstraightintothepot,notbotheringtouseacuttingboard.“ThegirlhascrazyhaireverydaybecauseIdon’tknowhowtofuckingdoit.Youwouldthinkshe’dfitrightin.”
“You’rebeingtoohardonyourself,”Isay.
Hiseyesfalltomine.“I’mnot.Cassidywouldexpectmore.”Heshakeshisheadandblowsoutaheavybreath.“Tellmeabouttheinternship.”
“Ryland,”Isaysoftly.“Don’tchangethesubjectlikethat.Ifyou’restruggling,it’sokaytoadmit.Icanhelp—”
“Youneedtofocusonschool.”
“Jesus,”Isay.“WhatiswithyouandAubree?Youknowthere’smoretomethanschool,right?”
“Thereshouldn’tbe,”hesays.“That’swhatyoushouldfocuson.That’swhatyoushouldbefiguringout.Hell…youshouldbegraduatingthissemester,butyoutookaninternshipinstead.”
Mybrowspulltogether.“Itwasasmartmove.”WeallknowI’mindefensemode,soignorethelyingonmyend.Thanks.
“Betterthangraduating?”heasks.“Idon’tseehowthat’spossible.”
“Canwenottalkaboutit?”Iask.“Ididn’tcomeoverheretogetlectured,Ryland.”
“You’reright,”heconcedes.“Sorry.It’sjustbeen…stressful.”
“Ifit’ssostressful,whywon’tyouandAubreeaskforhelp?”
Hefinishescuttingthehotdogsandpicksupawoodenspoontostirhisconcoction.“Becauseyou’reinschool.Andthere’satransitionstage.We’rejusttryingtofigurethatout.Itwilltakeusasecond.”
Inod.“Icanunderstandthat,butIcanhelp.”Hegruntsindisapproval.Iwon’tgetanywherewiththatnarrative,soIswitchthingsup.Ilookaroundtheopenspace,noticingthestackofblanketsinthecorneraswellasthepillow.ThatmustbeRyland’sbed,pushedoutofthewaysoMacdoesn’tnotice.“Areyousleepingonthecouch?”
“Yeah.”Hesetsthespoondownandthenturnstowardme,leaninghishipagainstthecounter.Myeyesroamoverhim,noticinghowhiseyesaresunkenwithdarkcirclesunderthem.He’salwaysbeenextremelyfit,buthe’slostweight,andnotinagoodway.Nowit’salmostlikehisskinsitsontopofmuscle.Andthesmileheusedtocarryasafun-lovingguyisnowheretobefound.Initsplaceseemslikeaballofstressrestsdirectlyonhischest.
“Ican’tconvincemyselftosleepinCassidy’sroom.Ibarelygointhere.”
“DoesMac?”
Heshakeshishead.“Notreally.Shesaiditmakeshersadtogointhere.Shedoesn’tliketoremembertheplacewherehermommypassedaway.”
“God,”Isayasmythroatchokesup.“That’sheartbreaking.”
“Tellmeaboutit.”Hecrosseshisarms.“ItrytotalktoheraboutCassidy,butshejustshakesherheadandtellsmeMommywillbeback.She’sjustgonefornow,butshe’llbeback.”
Well,fuckme.
Tearscloudmyeyes,andItakeafewdeepbreathsbecauseIdon’twantMactowalkinandseemecrying.
“Whatdoyoutellher?”
“Nothing,”Rylandsays.“Idon’thaveitinmetotellheranydifferently.”
Justthen,Maccomesbarrelingdownthestairs,herfeetpitter-patteringacrossthehardwoodfloors.Whenshefliesintothekitchen,shehasherpantsonbackwardandonesideofherhairtiedupintoaponytail.
“Ohyeah!”shesays,shakingherbottom.“Iwentpotty.”
Rylandsmilessoftlyather.“Goodjob,Mac.”Hereachesintothecabinetandsays,“Canyousetthetableforus?”
“CanIusethefancynapkins?”
“Always,”hesaysashepullsouttheclothnapkinsCassidymadefromadrawer.
“I’mgoingtomakecatsoutofthem.”
“Can’twait,”Rylandsaysandturnsbacktome.
“Canshemakeanimalsoutofthenapkins?”
Hesubtlyshakeshishead.“No,it’sjustaballed-upmessontheplate,butIactimpressedeverytime.”
“Nowthat’sagooduncle.”
Justthen,Aubreepushesthroughthedoor.“Icouldsmellyourbeansallthewayfromoutside.”Macrunsuptoherandhugsher.“HeyMackie,where’sChewy?”
“ChewyCharles.”Macstompsherfoot.“Youhavetousehiswholename.”
Aubreewinces.“Sorry,where’sChewyCharles?”
“Outerspace,”Macsayscasually.“Don’tworry,hewon’tbelatefordinner.Youknowhelovesthedogs.”
Thatmakesmechuckle.
“Hey,sis,”Aubreesays,walkingintothekitchenandtakingaseatattheisland.“TellingRylandallabouthowhisnemesisisbackintown?”
DidImentionAubreehasalsobeenknownasthepotstirrer?Yeah,sheholdsthetitle,andIthinksheholdsitwithpride.
AndthementionofHayes,orratherthesuggestionofhim,makesmeinternallysweat.Theymightnotknowaboutmynewarrangement,butitstilldoesn’tnegatethefactthatIknowtheimplicationsiftheyfindout.
Rylandflipsoffthestoveburnerandturnstowardus.“Abeltoldme.”
Here’sthething.
Backinhighschool,Ryland,Hayes,andAbelwerethethreemusketeersandthebestoffriends.Theyallplayedbaseballtogether,partiedtogether,andevenhelpedeachothercheatontests.Andthensomethinghappened,atruthIstilldon’tknowtothisday,anditdrovethemapart.Hayeswentoneway,Rylandwenttheother,andAbelstayedinthemiddle,notwantingtochoosesides.He’sremainedagoodfriendtoboth,beingabletokeepthemseparate.Honestly,ittakesastrongmantobefriendswithtworivals,butAbelhasalwaysbeenthesweetoneofthegroup,thecaringone.Nowonderhe’sadoctornow,andhe’shandledthechallengegracefully.
“YouknewHayeswashere,andyoudidn’tburstintoflames?I’mshocked,”Aubreesays.
“It’snotlikeourpathswillcross,”Rylandsays.“Wheneverhe’saround,heusuallystickstohisplaceanddoesn’tventureintotown.”
“Hecameintotowntoday,”Aubreesays.“DeeDeetoldEthel,whotoldmethathewentintothegeneralstore,boughteverypicklejarintheplace,andthenleft.Thatwasit,justpickles.”
SweatcreepsdownmyneckasIrememberhowtalkativethistownis.DidDeeDeethinkitwasweirdthatIwasinthestoreonlymomentsbeforebuyingajarofpicklesaswell?Didshemaketheconnection?DidshenoticethatheboughtthesamepicklesthatCassidyandIusedtobuy?AmIoverthinkingthis?
Cantheyseemysweat?
God,whydidhehavetobuythepickles?
He’smakingthismorecomplicatedthanitshouldbe.
“Hedoesn’tevenlikepickles,”Rylandsays.
Great!
Hedoesn’tlikepickles.InformationIdidn’tknow,butdoyouknowwhodoes?Me.That’swholikespickles.They’reprobablyconnectingthedotsasIsithere,palmssweaty,backsweaty…asssweaty.
“Youknow,peoplecanchangewithintheeighteenyearssinceyoulastspoketothem.Hemighthaveanacquiredtasteforpickles…”Aubreesuggests
“Yeah,”Ichimein,myvoicecracking.“Ormaybetheywereforhisgrandma.”There,maybethatwillhelpthemsteerclearofme.
“True,theycouldbeforhisgrandma,”Aubreesays,andIinwardlyheaveasighofrelief.“Ormaybehebroughtagirlhome.DeeDeesaidshesawacardrivinguptowardhishouse.”
Oh,sweetJesusChrist.
Yup,sweatjustrolleddownmyasscrack.
Thisgodforsakentownandtheirinanenosiness.
“Eitherway,I’mnotinterested,”Rylandsays.“Hecanfuckoff.”
“Ooo,UncleRyRy,that’sabadword,”Macsaysfromthetablewhereshe’ssittingcross-leggedontop,bunchingnapkinstogether.
“Sorry,”Rylandsaysjustasmyphonebuzzesinmyhand.Iglancedownatthescreenandseeastrangenumber.Speakofthedevil—literally.
Ihopoffthecounter.“Berightback.Mynewboss.”
Happytopullmyselfawayfromthatconversation—Idon’tneedthemseeingmysweatmark—ImoveoutofthekitchenandtothebackdenwhereMachasherplayroom.Fullofstuffedanimals,bedsforherstuffedanimals,andclothingforherstuffedanimals,Iunlockmyphoneandstareatthetext.
Hayes:Thecodetogetintomyhouseis6935.Don’tbelate.
Itexthimbackquickly.
Hattie:Aboutthat.Peoplearealreadystartingtonoticeacardrivinguptoyourplace,andsincemycarisbrightredandall,it’snotlookinggoodonmyend.
Hayes:Ifyou’retryingtogetoutofthis,you’renotgoingto.
Hattie:I’mnot.I’mjust…tryingtofigureoutawayIcanservemytimewithoutgettingcaught.
Hayes:Servingyourtime,that’showyouseeit?
Hattie:Uhyeah,whenyousaythingslikeyou’renotgettingoutofit,I’mservingtime,soalittlehelponhowIcanbeinconspicuouswouldbeappreciated.
Hayes:Whatdoyouhavetohide?
Hattie:Uh,thefactthatI’mworkingfortheAntichrist.
Hayes:Accordingtoyourbrother.
Hattie:Andalotofpeopleintown.
Hayes:Becausetheyhavetheirheadsofarupyourbrother’sassthatthey’lltakehisside.
Hattie:Noneofthatmatters.WhatmattersisifI’mseenwithyou,itwillbethetalkofthetown,andmybrotherverywellmightdisownme.I’vealreadylostasister.Idon’tneedtoloseabrothertoo.SowhatthehellshouldIdo?
Istaredownatmyphone,waitingforasolutionfromHayes,sowhenIfindMacstandingrightinfrontofme,Inearlyscream.
“Christ,”Isay,bringingmyhandtomychest.“MacKenzie.”
“Whoareyoutalkingto?”sheasks,swingingChewyCharlesaroundinacircle.
“My…myboss,”Ianswer.
“UncleRylandtoldmetotellyouthedogsareready,andit’srudetomakeeveryonewaitforyou.”
“Sorry,”Isay.Sheholdsherhandouttome.Itakeit,andshepullsmebacktowardthekitchenjustasmyphonebuzzesinmyhand.IglanceatthescreenasI’mdraggedbyafour-year-old.
Hayes:Youknowwheretheoldbarnisoutsideoftown?I’llleavemycarbehinditsoyoucanswapanddrivethattomyhouse.Thereareenoughbushesandtreestohideyours.Behereatseven.
***
“Whatthehellkindofcaristhis?”Iask,staringattheSUVI’veneverseenbeforeinmyentirelife.“AndhowthehellamIsupposedtodrivethis?”
Ofcoursehe’dhavesomefancyvehiclenoonehasheardof.WhatisaRiviananyway?
IpullupmyphoneandtypethebrandintoGoogle.
Yourelectricadventureawaits.
Oh…anEV.I’veneverdrivenoneofthese.
Ithumbthroughthewebsite,locatinghisSUV,andthenmyeyesnearlybugoutofmyhead.
“OhmyGOD!”Ishout.“Overonehundredthousanddollarsforausedone?Whospendsthatmuchmoneyonausedvehicle?Ithoughtwhenbuyingused,you’retryingtosavemoney.Ridiculous,”Imutterandthensetthephonedown
WhatIcoulddowithonehundredthousanddollars.
Nottakethisjob,that’sforsure.
Skipanothersemesterofschool.
BuildanextensiononthefarmhousesoRylanddoesn’thavetosleeponafreakingcouch!
Butnope…I’mdrivingonehundredthousanddollarsinstead.
“Okay,howdowestartthis?”Ilookintheconsoleforakey,butdon’tseeanything.SoIlookintheglovebox.Nothing.Isearchthecar,nowbecomingfranticasIseethetimestaringmeintheface.Twominutesuntilhe’sgoingtobitchaboutmebeinglateagain.
Well,howthehellamIsupposedtobeontimeifhedoesn’tleavemeakeytodrivethedamnthing?
Whatanidiot.
Igrabmyphoneagain,butthistime,Icallhim.
Itringstwice,andthenheanswers.
“You’regoingtobelate.”
“Yeah,becauseyou’reamoron,”Isay.“Youdidn’tleavemeakeytostartthisspaceship.”
“Youdon’tstartit.Andyes,Ididleaveakey.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tstartit?”
“Youjustactivateit.”
“Thatmakesnosense.”
“Jesus,Hattie,”hegroans.“Doyouseethekeycardinthemiddleconsole?”
Ilookdownandseeawhitekeycardwithayellowsymbolinthemiddle.Ipickitupandsay,“Thisiswhatstartsyourcar?Likeyou’reopeningahotelroom?”
“Yes.Holditagainstthedriver’ssidedoorandthatwillactivateit,thenputthecarindriveandpressdownonthepedal.”
“Sothere’slike…noengineyouhavetostart?”
“Itdoesn’thaveanengine,it’sanelectricvehicle.”
Huh…interesting.
“Leaveittoyoutohavesomenonsensicalcar.”
“It’snotnonsensical.It’sjustnotwhatyou’reusedto.Nowstopjabberingandgethere.”
Withthat,hehangsup.
God,he’scrankyinthemorning…oreveryhourforthatmatter.
Lookslikethemomentarylapseofpicklenicenesshassubsided,andI’mentirelyokaywiththat.
Okay,sowejustholdthekeycarduptothedoorbecausethatmakessense.Doorsdrivecarsafterall…right
Ipressthekeycarduptothedoorandthescreenlightsup.
Wouldyoulookatthat?
Fascinating.Iputthecarintodriveandpressdownonthepedaltogo,onlytoflyforwardataspeedIwasn’texpecting,shootingmenearlyacrossthesmallravineinfrontofme.
Withadeathgriponthesteeringwheel,thehaironthebackofmyneckstandingtoattention,Ibreatheoutheavily,“GoodfuckingGod.”
That…thatcouldhavebeenverybad.IfIdroveHayes’scarintoaravine,Icouldonlyimaginethecausticmoodthatwouldputhimin.
Notthepickle-buyingmood,that’sfordamnsure.
Okay,let’strythisagain.IreversetheSUVandthenslowly—andImeanslowly—pullawayfromtheravineandthenputitbackintodrivewhereImaneuvermywayoutontotheroad.
Ah,therewego,justtakesasecondtogetusedto.AndeventhoughIfeelthisvehiclecouldtakemetoanotherplanetifIpressonthepedalhardenough,Ihavetoadmit,itdrivessmoothly.Ifeelfancydrivingsomethingthatisn’trumblingbeneathme,onitslastleg,coughingandsputteringdowntheroad.
Ismoothmyhandoverthesteeringwheel.Ohyeah,agirlcouldgetusedtothis.
Thedrivetohishouseistooshort.I’vejuststartedgettingusedtothecarwhenIpullintohisdriveway,butsinceI’mthreeminuteslate,Ihopoutofthecarquickly,typeinthecodetohishouse,andletmyselfin.
Idecidetomakehiscoffeefirstandskiptheproteinshakeforafterthefirstdelivery.Maybehe’llbegratefulforthecoffeefirst.
BecauseIliketodothingsmyway,Ipourthecreamerinthemugfirst,stickitunderthecoffeemaker,andpressstartonceIloaditwithoneofhispods.IsmiletomyselfasIwatchthebrownliquidmixwiththecreamer,stirringitself.See,geniusandI’mnotdirtyingaspoon.
Satisfied,Ipickupthemugandcarefullywalkitdowntohisbedroom.Suchalazyassthathemakesmedothis.Justhiswayofholdingcontroloverthesituation.WhenIreachhisbedroomdoor,Ipartitopenandstickmyheadin.
“Coffeedelivery.”IpushthedoorallthewayinjustasHayeswalksintothebedroomfromthebathroom,wearingnothingbutalow-slungtowelaroundhiswaist.
Dear.
Mother.
Of.
God.
Ifeelmyjawslackasmyeyesfallonhiswet,tonedbody.Stillwearingthenecklacehedoesn’tseemtoevertakeoff,myeyesscanoverhisthickpecs,histoned,sinew-coveredshouldersandbiceps,andhisstackofabscoveredindropletsofwater.Waterthatslidesdowneachcurveandbumpofhisfitstomach,allthewaytothelightpatchofhairjustbelowhisbellybuttonthatextendsto…
OhGod.
There’sabulge.
Myeyessnapuptohis,andmymouthgoesdryashiswethairfallsoverhisforeheadandalightsmirkplaysonhislips.
Damnhim.
Damnhimandhissexy,mouthwateringbody.
Anddamnthatknowingsmirk.
Yup,he’snotgoingtoletthatonce-overslipby.
Icanonlyimaginewhathe’sconjuringinhishead.ChapterSix
HAYES
Hercuriousandimpressedeyessnapuptomine,andIwatchasshevisiblygulps,herthroatcontracting.
Nowthisiswhatsatisfactionis,knowingdamnwellIcaughtherstaringwhenshesaidshe’dratherburyherselfinajailtoiletthanadmitshefindsmeattractive—well,somethingalongthoselines.Ican’trememberverbatimwhatshesaid.Thepointis,shejusthadnoproblemlookingmeupanddown.
“Getagoodlook?”Iaskashercheeksstainwithpink.
“What?”sheasks,hereyeswide.“Iwasn’tlooking.Imean,Ilooked,butIwasn’tlooking.Iwastakinginmysurroundings.Therewasnoleeringorogling,ifthat’swhatyou’reimplying.Becausehonestly,there’snothingtolookat.”
“You’restaringatmycrotchrightnow.”
Hereyessnapup.“Iwaslookingatthecoffee.Ididn’twanttospillit.”
“Youwerelookingatmydick.”
“Iwasnot…”Sheshakesherhead,hereyesfallingtomycrotch,andwhensherealizeswhatshe’sdoing,shelooksbackupagain.Sheclearsherthroat.“Iwasnotlookingatyourdick.Also,don’tyouthinkbeinginatowelinfrontofyouremployeeisinappropriate?”
“Myhouse.IcandowhatIwant.”
“Ah,Isee.”Shenods.“Soifyouwalkaroundthehousenakedinfrontofme,thatwillbeokaysincewe’reunderyourroof?”
“Iwouldn’tdothatbecauseclearly,youwouldn’tgetanyworkdonewithyourstaringproblem.”
Hereyesnarrow.“Idon’thaveastaringproblem.Iwasjustcaughtoffguardisall.”Sheclosesthedistancebetweenusandholdsoutmymugofcoffee.“Yourmajesty,yourcoffee.”
Shebowsherheadandcurtsiesbeforeliftingupandpushingthemugtowardme.
Iclaspmyhandaroundhersaroundthemug,holdingherinplace.Itakeastepcloserandwatchassheinhalesdeeplyandhereyesslowlymoveupfrommychesttomyface.Sheswallowsagain,clearlyaffectedbymeinatowel,whichIfindfartoogratifying.
“Youkeepcheckingmeout.”
“No,Idon’t,”shesays,hervoiceshakyasIholdherinplaceandmoveaninchcloser.
“Thenwhyareyoureyestellingmeadifferentstory?”
“Don’tflatteryourself.You’reinatowel,andIwasn’texpectingthat.”
“Ifthatwerethecase,itwouldalmostseemlikeyouwouldwanttoavertyoureyes.Butthathasn’thappened,hasit?”
Herlipstwisttothesideandshesays,“Ifwe’redonehere,I’dlikemyhandback.”
“Where’smyproteindrink?”
“Ithoughtyoumightwantyourcoffeefirst.”
“Iwantbothatthesametime,”Isayasmythumbgrazesthebackofherhand.
Hereyeswiden,butIpullawaywiththemugbeforeshecansayanything.
“Youcanleavenow.”Iturnawayfromher,gripmytoweljustasitstartstofall,andheadbackintothebathroom,completelysatisfied.
***
“Fuck,”ImutterasIdragmyhandsovermyfaceandstaredownatwhereI’vescribbledthestartofasonginmynotebook.IimmediatelyrejectthelyricstheminuteIreadthem.
Trash.
It’salltrash.
It’sneverbeenthisgoddamnhardforme.Icanusuallycomeupwithsomething,butit’salmostasifmylifehasbeenatastandstillforthepastyear,andnothingsignificanthashappenedtowarrantasong.
MaybeI’llwriteabouthowIfeellikeagoddamnemptysackofskin.
Nothingsoundsmorepoeticinasongthansackofskin.
Fuckinghell…
Iliftfromthecouchandtossmypenonthecoffeetableinfrontofme.Thisispointless.
Leavingmystudio,IheadouttothemainlivingspaceonlytofindpilesofletterssurroundingHattieasshelistenstoBlondie.
Anothersolidchoice.
Insteadofmakingmypresenceknownrightaway,Ipauseforamoment,watchingher.
She’stiedherhairupintoahighponytailandbobsherheadaroundwiththemusic,totallyimmersedinhersorting.Insteadofwearinghercrewnecksweatshirt,she’snowwearingasportsbraandherspandexshortsinamatchingsetofbrightred.It’shardtomisshertoday…oranydayforthatmatter.Sheownsherpresenceandmakesherselfknowndespitehersmallerstature.IfIwereinterestedinpursuingher,itwouldn’tbehard,notwhensheshowshertruecolorssounconsciously,somethingIreallylike.Beinginthespotlight,I’msurroundedbypeoplewhoaren’talwaysrealandwilldoanythingtoappeaseme,sohavingHattiearoundisrefreshing.Andhermusicchoices,hell,that’shotaswell.
Shestandsfromwhereshe’ssittingandstaresdownatherpiles,countingthemwithherfinger.That’swhenItakeinherlong,tonedlegs.Forherheight,it’ssurprisingtoseelonglegs,buttheyextendagoodportionofherbody,leadinguptoapairofgrippablehipsmadeforfingerindents.Hernarrowwaistisaccentuatedbyherhipsandperkyass,andwhenmyeyesworktheirwayuptohertits,Inoticejusthowsmalltheyare.Barelyapalmfull.Herathleticbuildmeansshehasagreatfuckingbody,butit’sthoseeyes—theonesstaringatmerightnow—thatIcouldseemyselfgettinglostin.
“CanIhelpyou?”AknowingsmirkplaysonherlipsbecauseshejustcaughtmestaringlikeIcaughtherstaringatmethismorning.Unlikeher,I’llownit.“Getagoodlook?”shemimics
“Goodisastretch.Decent,sure.”
Herexpressionfalls,handsnowonherhipsfromtheinsult.“Didyoucomeoutheretosnubmeoristhereapurposefordisruptingmypeace?”
“Yourealizethisismyhouse,andIcandowhatIwant,right?Idon’tneedtotiptoearoundyou.”
“I’maware.”Sheraisesherarmsaboveherheadandstretchesfromsidetoside.Myeyesfalltoherstomachagain,andIwonderifshe’severpiercedherbellybuttonbecausethere’sasmallscaraboveit,butratherthanask—orgetcaughtagainforstaring—Iturnawayandheadintothekitchen.
IknowItoldherIhavenointerestintakingherclothesoff,buthell,thatdoesn’tnegatethefactthatshe’shot.Underdifferentcircumstances,Icouldeasilyseemyselfmakingamoveonher.Iprobablywouldn’tletherleavemysightwithoutdoingso,butI’llnevercrossthatlineformanyreasons.
Onebeingshe’sRylandRowley’slittlesister.
Also,she’sfartooinnocentforsomeonelikeme.Hell,Matthadahardtimefindingherclit.I’dnotonlylocateitinasecond,butI’ddestroyit.
Andlast,sheseemslikethetypewhoclings,whoenjoysarelationship,andI’mnotthatguy.Notevenclose.I’maloner,andIdomyownthing.
Nottomention,I’macompleteandutterasshole,somethingdrilledintomefromayoungage.Shedeservesmorethansomeonewhowilltakewhathewantsandleaveherwithnothingbutthedustofhimdrivingaway.
Igrabaglassfromthecabinetandfillitwithwaterbeforepullingoutmydrinkdrawerandgrabbinganelectrolytetablet.
“Whatarethose?”sheasksfrommyside,startlingme.
Jesusfuck.Solostinmythoughts,Ididn’tevennoticeherstepup.
“Electrolytetablets,”Ianswer.
“Oh,IthoughtyouwerepoppinganAlka-Seltzerorsomething.Didn’tknowifitwassomethingyouhadtodobecauseofyouroldage.”
Ilookherintheeyes.“Cute.”
Shesmiles.“I’mheretocharm.”Shemovesovertothefridgeandpullsoutajarofpickles.Shepopsthetopoff,leansagainstthecounter,andpicksapickle,onlytochompdownonitwithasnappingcrunch.Sheholdsthejarouttome.“Wantone?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.I’mgood.”
“Notapicklefan?”
“Notreally.”
“Snob,”shesaysasshetakesanotherbite.
“Haveyoualwayslovedpicklesthatmuch?”Ileanagainsttheoppositecounter,mydrinkfizzinginitscup.Ishouldn’tengageinconversationwithher,butprocrastinationmakesyoudostupidthings,likeflirtingwiththelineofgettingtoknowsomeoneandignoringthemforyoursanity.
Sheglancesupatme,skepticisminhereyes.“Areyouaskingmeapersonalquestion?”
See…exactlywhatI’mtalkingabout.I’mjustassurprisedassheis
“Isthereaproblemwiththat?”
“Ididn’tthinkwedidthat.Thenagain,Ididn’tthinkweboughtpicklesforeachother,andyoudidthatyesterday,so…”Shepauses,thinking.“You’renottryingtopullmeovertothedarkside,areyou?”
“Thedarksidebeingtheenemy?”Iask.
“Yes,ofcourse.”
“Ihavebetterthingstodowithmylifethanconvinceyouthatyourbrotherisinthewrongwithourfeud,notme.Iwasjusttryingtobepolite.”Ipushoffthecounterandstarttomoveawaywhensheshiftsinfrontofme,picklejarheldclosetoherchest.
“WhatdoyoumeanRylandisinthewrong?”
Ilookdownather,hergreeneyespiercing.“Maybesomethingyoushouldtalktohimabout.”
Hercuriouseyesstudyme.Icanpracticallyseehundredsofquestionsforming,butImoveawaybeforeshepinsmewithalengthyinterludeofinquiriesaboutthepast.
I’mhalfwaytomyhallwaywhenshecallsout,“CassidyandIusedtoeatpicklestogether.”Ipauseandlisten.“Thisbrand,actually.Itwasourfavorite.Ihaven’thadtheminawhile,andwhenIsawthemyesterdayatColeman’s,IknewIhadtogetthem.WhenIdroppedthemonthefloor,Iwasdevastated.Soyoubringingthesetome,itwas…itwasnice.Unexpected.”
Irubmylipstogether.Iknewshewassoupsetforareason.Ididn’tknowithadanythingtodowithCassidy,though.AndnowthatIknowwhy,IregretwhatIdidbecausenow…now,there’sanunspokenbondbetweenus,andthelastthingIwanttodoisbondwithRylandRowley’ssister.
“Don’tlookintoit,”IsayasIpushmyhandthroughmyhairandglanceather.“IfIknewitmeantsomethingtoyou,Ineverwouldhavepurchasedthem.”
Herexpressiondrops.“Ofcourse,becauseyouobviouslydon’twantmethinkingyouhaveaheartinthatblacksoulofyours,right?”
“Exactly,”Ireply.“WhenIsaythere’snothinginthischestbutskeletonsthatstillhauntmetothisday,Imeanit.Itwillbebestforeveryoneifyoustaythefuckawayfromme.”
***
Abel:WanttomeetatBytheSlicefordinner?
Hayes:Sure,whattime?
Abel:I’mstarving.Twenty?
Hayes:Seeyouthere.
Icheckthetimeandnoticeit’salmostsix,soIflipmyemptynotebookshut—anotherwasteddaywithnothingtoshow.Iexitmystudio,whereIfindHattielyingonthefloor.Hermessextendstothediningroomtable.Whatthehellisshedoing?
Shehasn’torganizedonedamnthing.Shejustmadeitworse.
Itwassimpleinstructions.
Opentheletters,siftthroughthem,keeptheimportantones,andshredtherest.Nowthereareatleasttwodozenpilesandnoshredding.Isshekeepingeverything?
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskasshelieswithaletteronherstomach.
Shepopsherheadup.“Restingmyeyes.They’reburningfromallofthereading.”
“You’rereadingalloftheletters?”
“Yes,”shesays,exasperated.“HowelseamIsupposedtoknowifthey’reimportant?”
“Aquickscanwouldwork.”
Sheshakesherhead.“I’mnotmuchofascanner,andsomeoftheselettershavemeinvested.Likethisone.”Shewavesapinkletterintheairlikeawhiteflagasshelaysherheadbackdown.“It’sallabouthowyoursong,TheReason,helpedherrealizethatsheneededtodivorceherhusbandbecausehewasn’ttreatingherright.Andhowshegotthecouragetodivorcehim,anddoyouknowwhatthatbastarddid?Hetookherdoginthedivorce.Shewastheonewhobroughtthedogtotherelationship,andhewentandtookit.Thefreakinggallofthatman.Anyway,shesentyouabraceletshemade,andIthoughtIowedittohertopassitalongaftereverythingthathappenedtoher.Sheputherdog’snameonit.”Sheshakesherhead.“Mitzy,poor,poorMitzy,iswiththatmotherfucker.”Sheflingsthebraceletatme,andIcatchitone-handed.IlookatthehomemadebraceletandbackdownatHattie,whoclutchesthelettertoherchest.
“You’rebecomingtooinvested.Youneedtobemorecutthroatbecauseatthispace,you’regoingtobeworkingformefortherestoftheyear.”
“Iwouldn’tmind,”shesaysdreamily.“Readinglettersinanicehouse,stockfullofpickles?You’remakingittoocomfortableforme.Frankly,thisisonyou.”
Shakingmyhead,Isay,“Youneedtoleave.”
Shesitsup.“Wait,like…you’refiringme?”
“No,butIliketoseethatworry.Maybeyou’renotascomfortableasyouthink.”
“Ass,”shemutters.
“Ihavedinnerplans,andit’snearlysix.Sotimeforyoutoleave.”
Shestandsfromthefloorandlaysherlettergentlyonapilebeforepickinguphercrewneckthatwasdrapedoverthecouch.“Whoaretheplanswith?Ahotdate?”
“Noneofyourbusiness,”IanswerasImovetowardmygarage.
“Oh,itisagirl.I’msuresomeonewhoyouhaveinterestintakingtheirclothesoff,unlikepresentcompany?”
Iturntowardherandsay,“I’dratherstabmyselfintheeyethantakeoffAbel’sclothes.”
Surprisefallsacrossherface.“You’regoingoutwithAbel?Ihaven’tseenhiminawhile.”
“Ifyou’refishingforaninvitation,theanswerisno.”
“Uh,Ihavetodriveyourcarheretohidemine.DoyouthinkI’mgoingtodinnerwithyouandmybrother’sbestfriend?”
Ipocketmywallet.“Youneverknowwithyou.”
“Theanswerisno.ButpleaseexplainhowI’msupposedtogetbacktomycarifyou’releaving?”
“I’mtakingmybike.”
“Aw,”shesays.“You’regoingtorideyourbikethere?That’sfunny.”
Iexhalesharply.“Mymotorcycle.”
“Oh.”Shechuckles.“Sortofwishitwasabicycle.I’dpaymoneytowatchyouridedowntheroadonacruiser,basketattachedtothefront,tryingtogainspeedtogettotown.”
“Youneedtofigureoutabetterwaytospendyourmoney,”Isay.“Don’tworryaboutlockingup.Itwilllockonitsown.”
“Okay.”
“Seeyoutomorrow.”Ilookovermyshoulderather.“Don’tbelate.”
“Lightenup,Farrow,”sherepliesbeforeleavingthefrontdoorandheadingtomycar.
Imoveintothegarageandopenthedoor.Ihopontomybike,situatemyhelmet,andthenstartitup.Pullingout,IspeedpastHattieasshetriestofigureouthowtoputmycarindrive.
Sheissomethingelse.
Ispeeddownthecoast,theoceanandcliffstomyright.OnethingImissedwhileontourwasthefeeloftheoceanbelowme.I’vealwaysfoundsolaceinthewavescrashingontothebeach.MaybeIshouldheadouttothebeachtomorrow.PerhapsthatwillclearmyheadsoIcanfinallystartgettingsomethingdownonpaper.
Itdoesn’ttakelongtogetintotownandsinceBytheSliceisoneofthefirstrestaurantsIpass,IpullinjustasAbelgetsoutofhiscar.Iparknexttohim,andthefirstthinghesaystomeasIremovemyhelmetis,“Thankfuck,dude.Ifyouweren’therewhenIarrived,Iwasgoingtostarteatingwithoutyou.”
Ituckmyhelmetundermyarmandmovetowardhim,givinghimabriefhug.JustadudepatonthebacksinceIhaven’tseenhiminawhile.“Noteatanythingtoday?”Iask.
“Justaproteinbar.Ihaven’thadtimetobreathe.It’sbeenpatientafterpatient.”
“Thenlet’sgetyousomefood,”IsayasIopenthedoorforhim.
BytheSliceiseasilythebestpizzaI’veeverhad.Iknoweveryonesaysthataboutthepizzajointsintheirhometowns,butI’mnotkidding.Thecrustiscrisponthebottomandthesides,thecheeseisperfectlymatchedwiththesauce,andtheyhavethecookingtimedowntoascience,eliminatinganypossibilityofoverbaking.Nottomention,thepepperonitheyuseisoutofthisworld.
Wewalkuptotheregistertoorder,andthegirlbehinditdoesadoubletakewhensheseesme,butthankfullydoesn’tfangirl.Instead,shepushesherhairbehindherearandstraightens.“WhatcanIgetyou?”
“Threeslicesofmushroompizza,”Abelsays,“withsomehoneyfordippingandawater.”
SheplacesacupinfrontofAbel,andthenshedirectsherattentiontome.“Andforyou?”
“Threeslicesofpepperoni.Nodipsforme.Andawateraswell.”
“Notaproblem.”
Ireachformywallet,butAbelstopsme.“Mytreat,dude.Iaskedyoutodinner.”
EventhoughImakemoremoneythanAbel,he’sstillaprettyrichbastard.Sincehe’ssittingpretty,Iallowhimtopay.
We’rehandedanumber,andthenwegrabourwaters.“Wanttositoutonthedeck?”heasks.
“Sure,”Ianswer.Asweworkourwaythroughtherestaurant,afewheadsturninourdirection,butthankfully,noonebothersus.Weheadouttothebackdeck,andAbelfindsatableinthecorner,secludedfromeveryoneelse.
Whenwetakeaseat,hesays,“Youlookold.”
“Wow.”Ichuckle.“Waytofuckingopentheconversation.”
“Youdo.Likeyou’vebeenpushingyourselftoohard,andit’scatchingupwithyou.”
“Itis,”Isay.“I’mfuckingexhaustedfromthetour,andofcourse,mylabelnowwantsanewalbum,soI’vebeentryingtoworkonthat.”
“Don’tyouwanttotakeabreak?”
“Yes,butIdon’thavetime.”
Heliftshiswatertohislips.“Haven’tItoldyoutimeandtimeagainthatyouneedbreakseveryonceinawhiletorecharge?”
“Youhave,”Isay.“NotsureIknowhowtodothat.”
“Maybejustsitbackandrelaxforasecond.Hell,Isawyouforwhat,aminute?AndIknewyouneededabreak.Whycan’tyoulookatyourselfinthemirrorandthinkthesamething?”
Mybrowsliftinsurprise.“Man,thisconversationgotdeeprealquick.”
Helaughs.“Sorry,it’sthedoctorinme.Iassessandgivemyopinion.”
“Well,shutitoffforasecond.”Ilaugh.“Tellme,what’sbeengoingonwithyou?”
“Nothingmuch,”Abelanswersasheleansbackinhischair.“Youknowwhatit’slikeinasmalltown.ThePeachSocietyarguesaboutprettymucheverything,thenewsspreadslikewildfire,andthemomentanyonetriestocomeintothistownandmakearuckus,wealljoinforcesandpushthemout.”
“Sonogirlsinyourlifeoranythinglikethat?”
Abelraiseshisbrow.“Whenhaveyouevercaredaboutthat?”
Ishrug.“We’regettingolder.Iassumedthatmaybeyouwouldsettledownatsomepoint.”
“Withwhom?”Abelasks.“Meghandownatthedrive-intheaterwithaveryunhealthyaddictiontoHarryStyles?Shecameintotheofficetheotherdaybecauseherthumbwashurting,andit’sbecauseshe’sbeenscrollingsomuchforhernextfixofHarryinaglitteryvest—herwords,notmine—thatshe’sstrainedthemuscles.Anddon’tworry,I’mnottellingyouanythingtheworlddoesn’talreadyknow.She’sblasteditalloversocialmedia,makingitseemlikeatrophytorestonhershelf.Harrythumbiswhatshecalledit.”
Ichuckle.“Meghan’sagoodtime.”
Abelshakeshishead.“She’schanged,man.Trustme…she’schanged.”
“WhataboutAubree?”Iask.
“AubreeRowley?”Abelletsoutalargeguffaw.“Yeah,andriskthechanceofgettingmydickchoppedoffbyRyland?Nothanks.Also,she’sgoingthrougharoughtimerightnowwithhavingtotakecareofthestoreandthefarmsimultaneously.IalsoheardfromRylandthatCassidy’sbrother-in-lawistryingtocomebackintothepicturewiththefarm,butthatisn’tpublicknowledge.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iaskjustastheserverdeliversourpizza.Wethanktheserver,andAbelpicksupasliceandtakesahugebitebeforehiseyesrolltothebackofhishead,andhemoans.“Dude,canyounotdothat?Yousoundlikeyou’refuckingcoming.”
Hechuckles.“Sorry,butfuck,Ishouldhaveorderedfourpieces.”Hewipeshismouthwithanapkinandsays,“HalfthefarmwaslefttoWyatt,andtheydidn’tthinkhewasinterested,butallofasudden,hesentanemailsayinghe’scomingintotownandwantstotalkabouthisrightstothefarm.”
“Ohshit,”Isay,wonderingifHattieknowsthat,andthenIrealizewhatwe’redoing.“Hell,we’renobetterthanthePeachSocietywithourgossiping.”
“It’sinourblood,dude.Nothingwecandoaboutit.”Heshrugsitoff,andhe’sright.Gossipinghasbeeningrainedinus.
“True.”Webothtakeabiteofourpizza,andwhenIwipemymouth,IsenseAbelstudyingme.“What?”Iask.
“There’ssomethingyouwanttotellme,isn’tthere?”
“What?”Ishakemyhead.“No.Whywouldyousaythat?”
“Forone,youdon’tevertakeyourmotorcycleoutanymorebecauseitrequiresgas.Foranother,youseemtenseanduncomfortable,asifyou’rehidingsomething.”
Whatthehell?DoeshehaveabackstagepasstotheinsidebusinessofmylifethatIdon’tknowabout?Howcanheseethatjustfrommyoutwardappearance?
“Jesus,you’reannoying,”Isay.
Hechuckles.“Itoldyou,Iobserve.Nowwhatisit?”
Icontemplatewhethertotellhimornot.ThethingaboutAbelisthathe’sthemosttrustworthyguyyou’llevermeet.RylandandIcanbebestfriendswithhimbecause,wheneverythingwentdown,Abelsaidhewouldn’ttakesides.Hewouldbefriendswithbothofus,andifeithertriedtoswayhimdifferently,ourfriendshipwasdone.RylandandIhavebothrespectedthat.It’swhyI’mevenconsideringtellinghimwhat’sbeengoingon.
“Mustbegoodifyou’rethissilent,”Abelsays.
Yeah,he’snotgoingtodropit.Heneverdoes.
Iwipemymouthagainandsay,“Thishastobelockedupbetweenyouandme,Abel.Ifthisgetsout,itwon’tbepretty.”
“Dude,likeyouevenhavetosaythat.”
“Iknow,butI’mserious.Thisis…thiscouldbedamaging.”
Henods.“Youhavemyword.What’sgoingon?”
Ipullonthebackofmyneck,wonderingwhyI’mgoingtosaythisoutloud,butthenagain,Ineedtogetitoffmychest.Maybeitwillhelpclearmymind.
Iglancearoundtherestauranttomakesurenooneislisteningin,andthen,inalowvoice,Isay,“Theotherday,Hattiecametomyhousetodropoffsomeshitherex-boyfriendstolefrommewhenhewasworkingforme.”
Abelwinces.“Idon’tlikethissecretalready.”
“Thentellmetostopifyoudon’twanttohearit.”
Heshakeshishead.“Nah,Icanhandleit.”
“Well,Iknewshefailedhersemester,andthat’swhyshewasbackintown.Idon’tknowwhatcameoverme,butIbasicallyblackmailedherintoworkingforme.”
“JesusChrist,”hesays,leaningback,handsonthetable,lookinguptothesky.“Yup,Ididn’twanttohearit.”
“I’mpayingherunderthetable.She’shelpingorganizeallmyfanmailandayear’sworthofshitaccumulatedinmyoffice.Rylanddoesn’tknowtherealreasonshe’sintown.Shetoldhimshewasdoingsomeinternship.Butyeah,she’scomingtomyhousedailytowork.”
“Rylandisgoingtolosehisshit.”Abelpresseshisfingersintohisforehead.“Areyoutryingtoblowupthetown?Becauseyouknowthat’swhatwillhappenwhenRylandfindsout.”
“Idon’tknow,man.Shelookeddesperate,sad…andforsomereason,Itookpityonher.Imean,thefeudhasalwaysbeenbetweenmeandRyland.She’sjustaninnocentbystander,butforthelifeofme,Icouldn’tstopmyself.”
“Tellmethis,”hesays,levelingwithme.“Areyoufuckingher?”
“No,”Ireply.“It’snothinglikethat.”
“Good.”Hepincheshisbrownow.“Idon’tthinkIcouldhandlethatkindofnews.”Helooksmedeadintheeyes.“It’sjustajob?”
“Yeah,justajob.”IfailtomentionhowImighthavecheckedheroutafewtimes,madementalnotesabouthowIcouldtwistandturnherbodyintosubmission,andfullythoughtabouthowherbreastswouldfitintomypalmsandintomymoutheasily.“Andfortherecord,sheneededthehelp.Badly.”
“Areyoutryingtopaintyourselfasasaint?”
“Isitworking?”
Helaughsandshakeshishead.“Imean,ifIdidn’tknowabouttheotherhalf,Iwouldn’tseeanythingwrongwithit,butgivenRylandismyotherbestfriend,mydickisquiveringinfearastowhathemightdoifhefindsout.”
“Youthinkhe’dbemad?”
“Areyoukidding?”Abelasks,dumbfounded.“Dude,ifhefindsoutaboutthis,itwon’tendpretty,guaranteed.Notonlywillheprobablyendyourlifeforeventalkingtohisbabysister,buthisrelationshipwithHattiewillsuffergreatly.Thisis…thiswouldbetheultimatebetrayalinhiseyes.Idon’tthinkthey’drecover.”
Fuck,he’ssoright.
Thisisn’tjustsomesimpleagreementbetweenmeandHattie.Thisissomuchbiggerthanthat.Thisisbadblood,andtestingthestrengthandpowerofthatbadbloodcanonlyleadtomoretrouble.
TroubleHattiecan’tafford.TroubleRylandcan’teither.Themanissofuckingproudandadamngoodbigbrother.HealwayssteppedupmorethanIthoughtnecessarywhenhismomdied—lookingafterhislittlesisterswithferocity—butnow…havingCassidy’skidtoo?
Icouldtakeanythingthatcomesmyway,evenifit’sabarrageofRyland’sfists.Ihavenostakeinthegame.Ihavenothingtolose.
ButHattie,shehaseverythingtolose.AsmuchasIwanttopretendIdon’tcareaboutanyone,asmallpieceofmedoescare.IwasonceveryclosewiththeRowleys.WithRyland.WithCassidy.Iknowthebondtheyhave,abondIsodesperatelywantedtobeapartof…thatIwasapartofbeforeeverythingwentdown.IknowwhatitfeelsliketobeshunnedbytheRowleys.
Iwouldn’twantHattietohavetogothroughthattoo.
“Don’tworry.”Ipickupmywaterandtakeasip.“Wedon’tplanonhimfindingout.”
“Youbetterhopenot.Yourchancesareslim,though.Youknowyoucantrustme,butoneslip-upandthetownwillputthepiecestogether.You’retreadingdangerouswaters.”
“It’snotlikeI’mdoinganythingwrong,”Idefend.
“OtherthanblackmailingRyland’ssisterintoworkingforyou?”
“That’saminordetail.”
“Let’shopeitstaysthatway.”ChapterSeven
HATTIE
“Doyouneedhelpclosingup?”IaskAubreeasIstepintothemainpartoftheshop.
“Nope,I’mallset,”shesaysassheshutsdownherlaptop.
“Okay.”Istandawkwardly,unsurehowtobridgethisuncomfortablegapbetweenmeandmysister.Granted,we’veneverheldsuperclose,bestfriendstatus,butwiththedeathofCassidy,itfeelslikethere’saGrandCanyonworthofspacebetweenus.“Whatareyoudoingfordinner?”
“ProbablyeatingwhateverleftoversIhaveinthefridge,”sheanswerswhilepackingherbackpack.
“Well,Idon’thaveanyplansifyouwanttogetsomething.”
Sheglancesupatme,aliftinherbrow.“Youwanttograbdinnertogether?”
Asifhersisteraskinghertodinneristhemostinsanethingshe’severheard.See,GrandCanyon-sizedspace.
“Imean…itwouldbecooltocatchup,spendsometimewithyou.”Whenshelooksaway,Icantellshe’stryingtocomeupwithanexcusewhyshecan’tdodinner,soinsteadoflettingher,Isay,“Comeon,Aubree.It’sbeenawhile.”
Afterafewsecondsofcontemplation,shesays,“Yeah,sure.Okay.”Sheslingsherbackpackoverhershoulder.“Howaboutwegrabpizza?I’vebeencravingthepineapplepizzawithhothoneydip.”
“Soundsperfect,”Isay,lettingoutapent-upbreath.Sheesh,she’smysister.Ishouldn’tbesonervousaboutaskingifshewantstograbsomethingtoeat.Thenagain,alothaschanged,andwithchangecomeschallenges.
Forme,itseemslikethechallengeskeeppilingon.
“Wanttowalk?”sheasks.
“Yeah,thatwouldbegreat.Ineedtostretchmylegsout.Iswearthey’vebeencrossedforthewholeday.”
“Atyourinternship?”Shelooksmeover.“Isthatwhatyouwore?”
“Uh,yeah,”Ianswer.“It’sacasualinternship.Thankfully,Icanwearwhat’scomfortable.Currentlyfilingatthemomentandsiftingthroughpapers.”
Herbrowknitstogether.“That’swhatyouleftschoolfor?Tofile?”
Crap,probablyshouldhaveleftheraloneinsteadofpushinghertogotodinnerwithme.Irambletoomuch,andthatgetsmeintrouble.
“No,”Isay.“Imean…yes,butit’sagreatexperience.”
“Forsomeoneearningtheirbachelor’s,thatmightbeagoodexperience,”shesays.“Butnottheirmaster’s.”
“Trustme,it’sallgood.Ipromise.”
“Okay,”shesays,slightlyskepticalbutdropsitassheheadsoutoftheshopwithmebehindher.Sheflipsthewelcomesigntoclosedandthenlocksupbeforepocketingthekey.Shegripsherbackpackstrapsandcrossestheroadtotheleftsideoftown.
OneofthethingsIloveaboutAlmondBayishowcleanitis.Ithasthatunspoiledyetcute,small-townvibe.EverybuildingisVictoriandesignedbutfreshlypaintedsotheybeambrightlyalongtheboardwalk-stylesidewalks.Ironlightpostslinethesidewalksaswellaswoodenplanters,allthewaythroughtownwithbustlingbushes,andinthesummer,they’refullofflowers.Andeveryplaceofbusinesshasacutesignoutsidetheirdesignatedbuilding,advertisingwhatthistownhastooffer.Fromanantiquestoretorestaurantstoabookandpuzzlestoretoanemporiumoffreshlymadesoaps,AlmondBayhasitall.
Evenamodelrailroadmuseumforthosewhoenjoyagoodtrain.
“Oh,hello,girls,”Ethelsaysasshepokesherheadoutofherinn.Iswearshelooksoutthewindow,waitingforsomeonetopasswhoshecantalkto.Shepopsupallovertheplaceandattherighttime.
“Hi,Ethel,”Isaywithawave.Aubreewavesaswell.
“Thanksforthebottles,”shesays.“Theycameinperfectcondition.”
Ethelwinks.“ToldyouIknewaguy.Gladtheyworkedoutforyou.”
“Yeah,theyweregreat.Filledthemtoday.Wasabletogettheextractoutontheshelvesagain.”
“Thankgoodness,”Ethelsays,handtoherheart.“Beforetheweekend,goodwork.Iknowmyguestswillbeaskingaboutit.Areyouofftodinner?”
“Weare,”Aubreesays.“Pizzaiscallingus.”
“Enjoy,ladies,”shesayswithasmirkandthensitsononeofthemanyrockersthatlinetheinn’sporch.
Oncewe’reagooddistanceaway,Isay,“Youknow,Icanhelpyouifyouneedit,especiallythisweekend.”
Aubreeshakesherhead.“I’vegotitcovered.MarleneandFranarecomingtotakesomeshiftsthisweekend,sowe’regood.”
“Okay,”Ireply,tryingnottobehurtbytherejectionagain.
Insilence,wewalktherestofthewaytoBytheSlice,andwhenweenter,Itakeinabigwhiffofthegooey,crusty,deliciouspizzasmell.Sogood.EasilythebestpizzaI’veeverhad.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Aubreeasks.
“Icangetit,”Isay,butsheshakesherhead.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,andyougograbusatableoutside.”
“Okay,”Isay.“Uh,twoslicesofthepepperoniandpineapplewithhoneyontheside.AndaSprite.”
“Sure.Meetyououtside.”
Iworkmywaythroughtherestaurant,wavingtoafewpeople,andthenreachthedeckthatoverlookstheocean.Atableisopennearthecorner,soIheadoverthere,onlytostopinmytrackswhenIseeAbelandHayestalkingatatablewithemptyplatesinfrontofthem.
Uh…yeah,wewon’tbesittingoutside.
IgototurnjustasAbelspotsme.“Hattie,hey.”
Dammit.
WhydoesAbelhavetobesofriendly?
“Oh,Abel,hey.”IglanceatHayes,andbecauseI’mimmenselyawkward,Icontinue,“And,Hayes,wow,it’syou,themanmybrotherhates.Didn’tseeyouthereforasecondsinceyoursoulissoblack,youfitinwiththechairs.”Asinglebrowofhisraises.“Anyhoo,you’rebackintown.That’sunfortunateforeveryone.”Hisfacefallsflat.“Youknow,IknewIsmelledsomethingweirdwhenIcameintotown.Icouldn’tputmyfingeronit,butnowthatIknowyou’rehere,itmusthavebeenyouroverpoweringaftershave.”
Hislipsthin.“Idon’tuseaftershave.Itmustbeyourbreathyou’resmelling.”Heleansbackinhischair.“Mightwanttogetthatchecked.”
Handsonmyhips,Isay,“I’llhaveyouknow,Ijustwenttothedentist,andIhavethecleanestmouthhe’severseen.”
“Thenyou’renothangingoutwiththerightpeople.Someoneneedstodirtythatmouthupforyou.”
“Notallofuscanbeslutslikeyou.”
“Especiallywhenyourboyfriendcan’tfindyourclit.”
“Hey,”Isnapathimandpointmyfinger.“Sometimesmendon’tunderstandawoman’sanatomy.”
“Notthathardtogoogle.”
“SomethingI’msureyou’vedoneplentyof.”Ipretendtotypeonacomputer.“DearGoogle,pleasetellmewheretheclitissoIcanbeahornymadmanwhilesingingmylow-key,swill-likesongsandpickupladieswithmystupidtonguering.”
“Trustme,youwouldn’tthinkit’sstupidifyouhadachancetositonit.”
“Ew.”Ishiver.“I’dratherstickaforkinmyear.”
Abelglancesbackandforthbetweenus,hisbodylanguagehesitantbuthiseyesinterested.“Isthiswhatit’slikeworkingtogether?”IsnapmyheadatHayes,furyeruptingthroughmyveins,andhegivesAbeladeathstare.
Istepincloserandwhisper,“Whattheactualfuck,Hayes?Ithoughtweweren’ttellinganyone.”
“Abel’smybestfriendwhoItrust.Ididn’tthinkhewasgoingtoopenhisdamnmouth.”
“It’sjustus,”Abelsays.“Iwouldn’thavesaidanythingifanyoneelsewashere.”
“Well,youbetternotsayanythingtomybrother.Ican’taffordtobeassociatedwithHayes.Idon’tknowhowyoudoit.”
“LotsofValium,”Hayessayswhiledowningtherestofhiswater.
“Didyougrabusatable?”Aubreeasks,causingeveryhaironmybodytostandtoattention.“Oh,hey,Abel…”Hervoicediesoff,andI’massumingthat’sthemomentsheseesHayes.
“Heytoyoutoo,Aubree.”Hayesliftshishandingreeting.“Goodtoseeyou.”
Aubreetugsonmyhand.“Comeon,wecansitinside.”
“Oh,don’tletusdeteryoufromenjoyingtheeveningoutside,”Hayessays.“Whydon’tyoujoinus?”Hegesturestotheemptyseatsattheirtable.
“Fuckoff,Hayes,”Aubreesays,draggingmeawayandbackintotherestaurant,wherewefindaseatofftotheright.“Whywereyoutalkingtothem?”Aubreeasksaswebothsitdown.
“Ididn’tseethematfirst,andthenAbelsaidhi.IthoughtitwouldberudeifIdidn’tsayhiback.”
Aubreeshakesherhead.“Idon’tknowhowAbeldoesit,befriendswithHayesandRyland.Iwouldn’tbeabletokeepthetworelationshipsseparate.IcanbarelylookatAbel.”
“That’sbecauseyoualwayshadacrushonhim,”Isay,causingAubreetoshootadeathstareatme.Geez,they’recommontonight.
“Notwiththatshit,Hattie.Youknowthat’snottrue.Therehasneverbeenanythingbetweenus.”
“Iknow,butit’sfuntoteaseyou.Abelislikeabrother.”
“Exactly.”Shepauses.“CassidywastheonewithacrushonAbel.”
Ipausewhileopeningmystraw.“Wait,what?”
Aubreenods.“Ithinktheyactuallykissedonce.”
“Areyouserious?”MyshouldersdroopbecauseIfeellikeCassidyshouldhavetoldmethat.Wetoldeachothereverything.
“Yeah,theylikedeachother,butAbelwastoogoodofafriendtoriskmessinganythingupwithRyland,sohenevermadeamove.Cassidywasdevastated.”
“How…howcomeshenevertoldme?”
“Probablytooyoungwhenithappened.Shewasreallyupset,though.Therecouldhavebeensomethinggreatbetweenthem,buttheyneverexploredit.Itrulybelieveit’soneofthereasonsAbelwassoinvolvedinhercancerdiagnosis.Notjustbecausehe’sclosetothefamily,butbecauseapartofhimwantedtotrytosaveher.”
“OhGod,”Isay,mythroatgrowingtightfromthethoughtofthemneverbeingabletoexploreadeeperconnection.“Doyouthinkthat’swhyhenevergoesoutwithanyone?”
Aubreeshrugs.“Probably.”
“That’ssosad.”
Justthen,theserverdeliversourpizza,butnow,Idon’tfeelashungry.MystomachchurnsfromthethoughtofCassidybeingdeniedabiggerlovethanwhatshehadwithherhusband.Don’tgetmewrong,theylovedeachother,butClarkegotherpregnant,andthatwaswhytheygotmarried.Theymadealifetogether,buthewasgonealotonPeaceCorpmissionsdowninCostaRicawhileshewaslefttotendtoherbusinessandMac.Itwasn’tthekindofloveaffairyouwritestoriesabout.Itwasaverage.Andthen,whenhepassedinabusaccident,Cassidyneverlookedforanyoneelse.WasitbecauseshewassavingherselfforAbel,waitingforatimewhenhethoughtitwouldbeokaytoaskherout?
“Whyaren’tyoueating?”Aubreeasks.
“BecauseI’mstrugglingwiththethoughtofCassidymissingoutonlove.”
“ShehadClarke.Shelovedhim,”Aubreesayscoldly.
“Buttherecouldhavebeensomuchmoreforher,”Isay.
“Youdon’tknowthat.Sure,Abelisagoodguy,buttheycouldhavejustbeenfriends.Idon’tthinkyoucanlooktoomuchintoit,there’snouse.You’rejustgoingtodriveyourselfnuts.”
Iknowshe’sright,butitwillstillbotherme.
There’ssomuchaboutCassidythatbothersme,somuchthatI’mstilltryingtoworkthrough.
“Doyoumissher?”Iask.
Aubreetakesabiteofherpizza,chews,andoncesheswallows,shequietlysays,“Everydamnday.”Hereyesmeetmine.“Everyday,Itrytomakeherproud.Itrytocarryonherlegacy.Andeverydayitfeelslikeanuphillclimbwithnorestinsight.”
“Whydon’tyoutalkaboutit?”Iask.
“Becausethere’snothingtotalkabout.Itwillcomeacrossascomplaining,andI’mnotgoingtocomplainaboutanything.NotwhenIhaveaniecewithoutparentswhoneedstoseestrongadultfiguresinherlifeworkingtokeephermom’smemoryalive.”
“Aubree,”Isaysoftlyandreachforherhand,butshemovesoutoftheway.
“It’sfine.”Shetakesadeepbreath.“Youknow,Imighttakemypizzatogo.Ihavetogothroughthebooksandwritesomechecks.”
“Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.Youdon’thavetoleave,”Isay.
“Inevershouldhaveagreedtothisinthefirstplace.Ihavetoomuchgoingon.”
“Butit’sme,”Isay.“Yoursister.Don’tyouthinkit’simportanttohavedinnertogether?”
“You’resupposedtobeinschool,nothavingpizzadateswithme,”shesaysharshlybeforerisingfromthetableandwalkingovertothetakeoutpartoftherestaurant.Whatthehell?Whydidyoupush,Hattie?Why?
MyshoulderssagasIstaredownatmypizza.Well,theregoesmyattempttogetclosertomysister.
***
NotwantingtogobacktomysmallstudioaboveTheAlmondStore,IdecidetotaketheAlmondStaircasetothebeach.Locatedbehindthedrive-intheater,they’requitesteepandsometimesrickety.ThePeachSocietyhasdiscussedtearingthemdownandnotlettinganyonedowntothebeach,butsofar,theyhaven’timplementedthoseplans.Butagiantcautionsignnexttothestairssaystouseatyourownrisk.
Ihavenoproblemriskingit.
Isitonthelaststairandpulloffmyshoesandsocks.Iputthemonarocknexttothestairs,somethingI’vedonetoomanytimestocount,andwithmyphoneinhand,IletmytoessinkintothesandasIwalkalongthebeachtowardthewater.
Aboutfiveminutesintomywalk,someonesays,“Outherebyyourself?”
Startled—again—IlooktomyrighttofindHayessittingonarock,staringoutattheocean.
“Whatthehellareyoudoingthere?”Iask.
“Waitingtoscareyou.”
“Iwouldn’tputitpastyou.”Hishairhasbeentuggedon,almostasifhe’sbeensittingthere,tryingtocomeupwithasolution.“Seriously,whyareyouherebyyourself?”
“Probablythesamereasonyou’reherebyyourself,”hesays.
“Idon’tthinkweshouldbecomparingourselves.Ourlivesarecompletelydifferent.”Idon’tstickaroundbutkeepwalkingonmyway.ThelastthingIneedissomesarcasticramblewithHayesFarrow.
“Don’twanttowalkwithme?”heasks,notlettingmefindmypeace.Ishouldhaveknown.
“I’msurprisedyou’devenmakethesuggestion,givenhowmybreathcurlsyourtoes.”
“NotwhatIsaid.”Hehopsofftherockandjoinsme,hisstridesfallinginlinewithmine,hisshoesandsocksareoffaswell.Weird,Ididn’tseethemoverbythestairs.“YouweretheonewhoimpliedIwasrollingintotownwithastench.Iwasfollowingyourlead.”
“Well,congratulations.Jobwelldone.”
“Notinagoodmood,Isee.”
It’ssoeasytogaugethisman.Hehastwoversionsofhimself—assholeandsarcasticasshole.Thesarcasticassholeusuallycomesoutwhenhe’stryingtoshieldhimselffromanyfeelings.Soheprojectshisassholerytoothers.
“Andthatmoodisgettingbetterwithyouherenow,”Ireply.
“It’sfunnyhowmuchdisdainyouhaveformewhenI’vedoneabsolutelynothingtoyou.”
“Blackmailingmetoworkforyou…umm,I’dconsiderthatsomething.”
“Youwererudebeforethat,”hesays.
“Familyloyaltyrisesaboveall,”Isay.
“Icanseethat.Itwouldn’thurtyoutochillforasecond,though,becausenooneisaroundus.Theywon’tseethatyou’rebeingcivilaroundme.”
Iglanceoverathim.“Chill?Whatisthatsupposedtomean?You’renottryingtobemyfriendorsomething,areyou?”
“Ihaveenoughfriends,”heanswers.“Idon’tneedanother.ButJesus,youdon’thavetohaveyourguardupallthetime.”
“Saystheguywhohashisguarduptwenty-fourseven.”
“Youdon’tknowenoughaboutmetomakethatassumption.”
“Don’tI?You’vebeenanasstomeeversinceIwalkeduptoyourhouse.”
Heshakeshisheadasheturnstowardme.“YouhavenoideathekindofmanIam.”
“Thentellmesomethingaboutyou.Ifyou’renotsoguarded,tellmeonethingthatisn’tsarcasticormadeup,orsomestupidwaytoimpresssomeonewitheverythingyou’veaccomplished.”
“Youwantsomething?”heasks.“Okay.Takeaseat.”WhenIdon’tjoinhimonthesand,hetugsonmyhand,forcingmetosinktothesandandpebbleswithhim.Facingtheoceanwithhislegspulledin,hesays,“Youwantsomething?Well,here’ssomething.Ican’twriteasongtosavemygoddamnliferightnow.EveryonethinksI’mthisamazingsongwriter,brimmingwithideas,butinreality,I’maguywithaguitarandanemptynotebook.”
“Isthatsupposedtomakemefeelbadforyou?”Iask.
Helooksoveratme.“No,butit’sreal.”
“Isit,though?Therichmusiciancan’tthinkofasongtowrite?”
Hiseyesnarrow.“Musicistheonethingthathelpedmeescapeeverythingawfulinmylife.Ithelpedmebreatheairintomylungs.ItallowedmetogetoutoftheplaceIwasinandneverlookback.AndthefactthatIcan’tfeelthatsamefeeling,Ican’ttastethemelodiesortapoutarhyme,athought,anything…eatsawayatme.Youmightnotthinkit’sabigdeal,buttome,it’sasifasmallpieceofmeisdying.”
Oh,huh…thatdoesseemlikeabigdealwhenheputsitlikethat.
Ifeelthat.Iunderstandwhatit’sliketohaveapieceofyoudie.
Iknowthegutturalfeelingofnotbeingabletobreathe,likeyoucan’tgetenoughairintoyourbodybecauseoftheoutlyingfactorsaroundyou,controllingyourlife.
AndIdon’tlikethat.
Idon’tlikethatIcanrelatetohim.Idon’twanttorelatetohim.
Idon’twanthimbuyingmepickles,sittingdownwithmeonthesandaftermysisterprettymuchabandonedme,andIdefinitelydon’twanttobeabletosharethesamesortoffeelingashedoes.
Andwhy?Becausehe’ssupposedtobeawful.That’swhatI’vebeentoldnearlymywholelife.Andifhe’snotawful,thenthatopensthedoorforotherthings…
ThingsIshouldn’tevenbethinkingabout.
Likehowhisdeep,sultryvoicecapturesmyattentioneverytimehespeaks.
Orhowhelookshotwithabackwardhaton,buthowIloveitwhenhewearsnohatatall.
Ortheautomaticcurlinhislargehandswhenhewalksaround,almostlikehe’swalkingaroundwiththeneckofanimaginaryguitarinhispalmatalltimes.
No,Ican’tthinkaboutthatatall
“Yeah,that’swhatIthought.Youdon’tunderstand.”Heshakeshishead
“No,Ido,”Isay,breakingoutofmythought.“Isthatwhatyou’vebeentryingtodowhileIsortthroughyourmail?You’retryingtowriteasong?”
“Yes,”heanswers.“Andbeforeyouask,I’vecomeupwithnothing.”
“Maybeit’sbecauseyou’reforcingit,”Isay.“Youcan’tforcecreativity.”
“Youcanwhenyouhavestudioexecsbreathingdownyourneck.”
“Doyou?”Iask.
Henods.“Yeah,theywantedsomethingnewmonthsago.”
“Seemslikeathemproblemtome.NotthatI’mcomingtoyourdefense,becausethatwouldprettymuchmakemeburnuponthespot,butyoujustcameoffabigtour.Don’ttheyknowyouneedsometimetobreathe,sometimetorecuperate?Youhavetorechargebeforeyoucanjumpheadfirstintoamentallyandphysicallydemandingjob.”
“Notdefendingme,huh?”heasks.“Soundedlikeyouweredefendingme,andlookatthat…youdidn’tburnuplikeyouthoughtyouwould.”
“Musthavebeenaluckymoment,”Ianswer.
Andcrap…thetensioninhisbrowhaseased,andtheexpressiononhisfaceismorefavorable.Iwarmedhimupandchilledlikeheasked,leadingto…dareIsay…abondingmoment?
“Tellmesomethingrealaboutyou,”hereplies.
See,Hattie,thisisexactlywhyyoudon’tbondwithpeople,becausewhentheystarttoopenup,theyexpectyoutodothesame.
AndIknowthat’sadangerousthingbecauseultimately,everyoneI’veeverlovedhasleftme.NotthatI’lleverlovethisman.SoIdeflect.
“Arewereallysharing?”Iask,tryingtogetbacktomaybeamorevolatilestatewithhim.
“Doyouhavesomethingbettertodo?”
“No.”I’mjustscaredthatmaybeI’mopeninguptosomeoneIshouldn’tbeopeningupto.ButifIthinkaboutit,otherthanMaggie,whodoIreallyhave?Aubreepracticallykickedmeawaytoday.AtleastHayesislistening.OhdearGod,whatishappeningtomylifethatHayesFarrowisthesecond-bestpersontotalktoatthemoment?
“Well…”hepresses.
Lookslikehe’snotgoingtobackdown,so…“Ithinkmyfamilyhatesme.”
Heturnstolookmeintheeyes,andthelightestsmirkpassesoverhislips.“Wouldyoulookatthat,”hesays.“Wedohavesomethingincommon.”
“Comeon.”Inudgehisshoulderwithmine.
“I’mserious.Commonalitymightmaketheworkplacerelationshipbetter.”
“Yeah,Imighthavetojointhedarksidewithyou,especiallyaftertonight.”
“It’sfunoverhere.IliveinalandwhereIdon’tgiveashit.OnewhereIenjoywatchingthosewhohatemegointoatizzywheneverI’maround.”
“Soundslikefun.”
“Itis,”hesaysinadeeptone.“Sowhydoyouthinkyourfamilyhatesyou?”
“Theydon’ttellmeanything.GettingAubreetogoouttodinnerwithmewaslikepullingteeth,andsheendedupleavingmeattherestauranttofinishmypizzabymyself.They’repreoccupiedwiththeirnewresponsibilities,whichIunderstand,buttheywon’ttalktomeaboutthem.Theywon’tevenletmehelp.Allthey’reconcernedaboutismegoingtoschoolandmakingsureIgraduate,andyouandIbothknowhowthat’sgoing.There’ssuchabigdisconnectbetweenusthatIdon’tknowhowtobridgethegap.”
Hepullsonthebackofhisneck.“Workingformewon’tdoit,that’sfordamnsure.”
“WorkingforyouistheonlythingI’vegotatthispoint.”Andthat’sthescarytruth.“God,whatthehellamIdoingwithmylife?”IturntowardhimsoI’msittingcross-leggedandfacinghim.“CassidyneverlikedMatt.Shetoldmeseveraltimeshowmuchshedidn’tlikehimandthoughtIwastoogoodforhim,butIdidn’tlisten.IwastedmytimewithhimonlyforhimtotellmeIwasboringintheend.”
“You’reanythingbutboring,”Hayesreplies.
“AndnowthatIfailedallmyclassesthissemester…likewhatamIdoing?AllIhadtodowaspasstheseclasses,andIwasgoodtograduate.AmIself-sabotaging?Imean…ItookafreakingjobwithHayesFarrow,mybrother’sleastfavoritehumanintheworld.I’maskingfortrouble.Isthisapre-midlifecrisis?”
“Areyouaskingme?”
“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.”Ileanbackonmyhands.
We’rebothsilentforasecond,andthenhesays,“Idon’tthinkyou’reself-sabotaging.Ithinkyou’relost.NotthatIknowmuchaboutyourfamilylife,butIdoknowthatCassidywasabrightlightinyourlives,andthatlighthasdimmed.Ofcourseyou’relost.Youdon’thaveanyoneguidingyoulikewhenshewasaround.”
Thatis…annoyinglyinsightful.“Cassidywasabrightlightinyourlives,andthatlighthasdimmed.Ofcourseyou’relost.Youdon’thaveanyoneguidingyoulikewhenshewasaround.”Whycan’tmysiblingsseethis?Whycan’tmysiblingstalkaboutthis?Whydon’ttheyevenwantmearound?
“You’reprobablyright,”Isayquietly.“Ihonestlydon’tknowwhatI’mdoing,anditdoesn’thelpthattheonlyfamilyIhaveleftisoccupiedwiththeirownissues.”
“Sothen,maybeyoutrytofindyourselfagain.”
Iglanceoverathim.“Don’tyouthinkthat’ssomethingyoushouldbedoing?”
“Probably.”Heshrugsandlooksouttowardtheocean.
Afterafewminutes,Isay,“Youknow,you’renotasbadasyouseem.”
“ShouldItakethatasacompliment?”
“Probably.Idon’thandthemoutoften.”
Hestandsandlendshishandouttome.“Youshouldgetback.Thesunwillsetsoon,andyoushouldn’tbeoutherealone.”
“I’mnotalone.You’reweirdlyhere.”
“Yeah,that’snotgoodeither,”hesaysandthenhelpspullmetomyfeet.
WeheadbacktowardtheAlmondStaircase.“Idon’twantyoutothinkthischangesanything,”Isay.“Istillhateyoufromthetipsofmytoes.”
“Good,”hereplies.“Wouldn’twantitanyotherway.”
***
Hattie:Whendoyouthinkyoucancomevisit?
Istareattheslantedceilinginmystudioapartmentthatfeelsmorelikeawalk-incloset.It’slostitsluster.Idon’tfeelmysisterinthisspacelikewhenIfirstarrived,andIknowit’sbecauseofmystrainedrelationshipwithmyfamily.Therefore,therelationshipIhadwithCassidyisstrained.
TalkingtoHayesonthebeachfeltnice,likesomeonewaslisteningtome.Someonecaredtolistentome.AndIknowwhenIsaythatinmyhead,itsoundsbrattybecauseJesus,RylandandAubreearegoingthroughalotrightnow,butwhyblockmeout?It’salmostlikebeinginschoolhasisolatedmefromeverything,andIdon’tunderstandwhy.
SonowI’mtalkingtoHayesFarrow,probablythelastpersononearthIeverwouldhaveconsideredsomeoneItoldmyfeelingsto.Andoddly,itfeltsortofright.He’seasytotalkto,whichfreaksmeoutbecauseIdon’twanthimtobeeasytotalkto.Idon’twanthimtobenicetome.Iwanthimtobeanasshole.Iwanthimtoinsultme,blackmailme.
NOTbuymepicklesandwalkalongsidemeonthebeachwhenIfeltsoutterlyalone.
Myphonedingswithatext.
Maggie:WhydoIhaveafeelingthatyouwantmetocomeearlier?
Hattie:Ineedyou,Mags.
Maggie:Saynomore.I’mthereforyou.Wantmetocomethisweekend?
Hattie:Canyou?
Maggie:Icanmakeitwork.ButIrequireanalmondextravaganza,includingmyfavoritealmondcherrycookiesthatyoumake.
Hattie:Doneanddone.
Maggie:Caretotellmewhat’sgoingonsoIcanpreparemyself?
Hattie:Thingsarerockywithmyfamily,andI’mresortingtoleaningonHayesFarrowforemotionalsupport.Thatcan’thappen.
Maggie:SobasicallyDEFCON1.
Hattie:Precisely.
Maggie:Gotit.Manningmybosomnow.ChapterEight
HAYES
IletoutalargesighasIstaredownatmyphone.
Fiveminuteslatesofar.
Iswearshe’sdoingthisintentionallytodrivemenuts.
Ifsheis,it’sfuckingworking.
Insteadofsittingontheporch,I’msittingonmyisland,staringatthefrontdoor,waiting.That’swhenIseeherflyintomydriveway,inmycar,puttingitinparkandsprintingtothefrontdoorwithherbackpackinhand.Funnily,sheglancesattheAdirondackchairI’vescaredhertwicein,andthensheputsthecodeinmyfrontdoorandpushesthrough,onlytocometoascreaminghaltwhensheseesmesittingonthecounter.
“DearGod,don’tyouhavebetterthingstodothanwaitaroundtostartleme?”
“You’relate,”Isay.
Shepushesherwethairoutofherface.“Thecommutewasarealbitch.”
“It’sfifteenminutes.”
“Astressfulfifteenminutesatthat,can’tevenfitinasolidplaylist.”Shesetsherbagonthecouch,nearherbundlesofpapers,andthenscansme.“Didyouseriouslynotmakeyourselfcoffee?”
“That’syourjob.I’mpayingyouextraforit,whichseemslikeI’mgettingtheshortendofthebargainwiththatdeal.”
“Theminuteyouhiredme,youweregettingtheshortendofthebargain.”
Shemovespastme,thesweetscentofhershampoowaftingbyme.Shegrabsamugfromthecabinetandpullsoutthecreamer.Iwatchindismayasshepoursthecreamerintothemug,setsitunderthecoffeemaker,thenfillsitwithapodandturnsiton.
“IthoughtItoldyoucreamerafter.”
“Youdid,butI’vedonethisforthelasttwodays,andyoudidn’tnotice,sosuckit,Hayes.”
Shethenpullsoutthethingsneededformyproteinshake.Iwatchherworkaroundmykitchenasifshebelongshere,anditoddlyfeelsright.Don’tthinkI’veeverhadsomeonefamiliarwithmyhomebefore,otherthanAbel.
“Youknow,youshouldswitchitupeveryonceinawhilewiththesesmoothies.Don’tyougettiredofthesamethingoverandoveragain?”
“No,”Ianswer.“Ilikeroutine.Ilikethesamething.”
“Maybeifyouswitcheditup,youmightbeabletowriteanothersong.”
“SwitchingupwhatIputinmysmoothiewillnothelpmehitthetoptenontheBillboardlist.”
“Youneverknowuntilyoutry,”sherepliesrightbeforesheturnsontheblenderandsmilesatme.
Whilemysmoothieblends,mycoffeefinishesup,andIgotograbit,butsheholdsupherhandtome.
“Ineedtoearnmymoney.Youaskedforadelivery,I’mgoingtogiveyouadelivery.”Shepicksupthemugandthenholdsitinfrontofherasifit’sadiamondonaredvelvetpillowandwalksittowardme.“Yourfuel,yourmages—Ohmotherofpearl,”shescreeches.“Mytoe,ohmyGod,mytoe!”
“What?”Iask,tryingtofigureoutwhatthehelljusthappened,butbeforeIcanhopoffthecountertocheckonhertoe,shestumblesandgrumblesfromthepain,andIwatchinhorrorasthefreshlybrewedcoffeetiltsforward,brownliquidpropellingoutofthemugandontomyleg.
“Fuck!”Iyell,leapingoffthecounter.
Crash
Themugfliestothefloor,shatteringintopieces.
Burning-hotliquidsearsrightthroughmypantsandontothemeatofmythigh.
“Motherfucker,”IyellwhileshimmyingoutofmypantsasquicklyasIcan.
“OhGod,areyouburnt?”Hattieaskswhilebouncingononefoot.
Thewetfabricclingstomyleg,makingitexponentiallyhardertogetoff.Mylegisburningup.“Fuck,”Iscream.
“Youareburnt.OhGod!”Hattieyellsasshemovestothesink.
Ifinallyfreemyselfofmyjeans,relievedfromtherazor-sharppainpiercingmyskin.Iletoutadeepsighofreliefjustaswaterblastsmeintheside,drenchingmefromthewaistdown.
StandingthereinnothingbutapairofblackboxerbriefsandanAerosmithgraphicT-shirt,IglanceatHattieasshespraysmewithwater,hereyesfocusedonmycrotchasshedoesn’tletuponthefaucet.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Iask.“DoyouthinkI’monfuckingfire?”
“Idon’tknow,”shesays,continuingtosprayme.“Fromthegirlysquealsyouletout,Iwasafraidmaybeyouwere…”
Shelooksupatmeandsmiles.
Ifrownather.
Shetriestosmilemorebroadly.
Isneer.
Andthenoureyesbothfalltothepoolofwaterstillgatheringatmyfeet
“Turnitoff!”Iyell.
“Ohright.”Shescramblestoturnthewateroff.Shemovesaroundthecornerandtoesthepuddleofcoffeeandwater.“Well,”shebreathesout.“Whatawaytostartamorning,huh?”
JesusfuckingChrist.
***
Abel:Hey,IknowIwaskindoftoughonyouatdinner,soIwanttomakesurewe’recool.
Hayes:Youneverhavetosendatextlikethat,youknowwe’realwayscool.
Abel:Idon’twantyouthinkingI’mtakingRyland’sside.I’mlookingoutforyou.
Hayes:Iknowyouare.
Abel:AndIknowyouprobablydon’twanttohearthis,butIdon’tknowifkeepingheraroundisagoodidea.Itwon’tendwell.I’dcuttiesnowbeforewordspreads,andRylandfindsout.
IpinchthebridgeofmynoseasIstaredownathistextbecausehe’sright.Ireallyshouldfuckingendit.CouldIfindsomeonetodotheworkshe’sdoing?Yeah,Icould.Buttwothingsmakemehesitate.IactuallytrustHattie.It’sraretoknowsomeoneforashorttimeandtrusther,butbecauseofthehistorybetweenusandbecauseshe’sfrommyhometown,Itrusther.Ararethingtoday.There’salsothefactthatIknowsheneedsthis,andasmuchasIwanttosayIdon’tcareaboutHattie,Idon’tthinkIcouldtakeawaytheonethingthatisgoingokay—decent—inherlife.
Hayes:Iunderstandwhereyou’recomingfrom,man,butshe’sgoingthroughatoughtime.
Abel:It’snotyourresponsibilitytohelpherthroughthat.Hell,youshouldn’tevenbetalkingtoher.
Hayes:Justlikehowherfamily’scurrentlynottalkingtoher?
Abel:Whatdoyoumeanthey’renottalkingtoher?
Hayes:IranintoheronthebeachaftershehadpizzawithAubree.She’sstruggling,man.Shethinksherfamilyhatesher.Shekeepswantingtohelpthem,tobeapartofthenewjourneythey’reallon,andthey’repushingheraway.
Abel:IknowRylandandAubreearebeingpushedtotheirbreakingpointrightnow.
Hayes:That’swhatshesaid,buttheywon’tletherhelp.Theykeeptellinghertofocusonschool,anddude,shefailedoutthissemester.Shecan’tgobacktoschoolrightnow.
Abel:Fuck,areyouserious?
Hayes:Yes.Shedoesn’thaveajob,shebarelyhasaplacetostay.I’mprettysureshe’sterrifiedofcomingcleantoherbrother.IfIcutheroff,Idon’tknowwhatshewoulddo.
Abel:JesusChrist.
Hayes:Andtobehonest,IsawthesamelookinhereyesthatIseewhenIlookinthemirror.Loneliness.
Abel:Hayes,areyoutryingtohelpher…orareyoutryingtohelpyourselfbyhelpingher?
Hayes:Maybeboth.
Abel:Thiswon’tendwell.Youknowthat,right?Areyoupreparedforthat?
Hayes:Ihavenofuckingclue,man.ButI’mstruggling,andIfeellikeifIcanhelpheratleastoneofusdoesn’thavetostruggle.
Abel:You’recrossingaline.Just…justbecareful.AndfortheloveofGod,don’tfuckher.
Hayes:Iwon’t.
IsetmyphonedownandsteeplemyhandstogetherasIstareattheground.
Everythinghesaidwascorrect.Iamcrossingaline.PerhapsI’mtryingtosavemyselfbysavingher.Ishouldn’tevenbenearher.
Allfuckingfacts.
But…that’snotstoppingmefromliftingoffthiscouchandheadingintothekitchen.
“How’syourleg?”HattieasksasIwalkintothelivingroom.HersurprisingsmilecatchesmeoffguardasIwalktowardthekitchen.Comingfromsomeonewhowantstohateme,seeingasmileasagreetingisdifferent.
“Sore,”Ianswer.
I’llneverfuckingadmitthistoher…ever…butIthinkbecauseIwasabletotearmypantsoffquickenough,combinedwithheridioticsprayingofcoldwater,Ididn’tendupblistering.It’sjustalittlesore,butshedoesn’thavetoknowthat.Shecansitinthefactthatshenearlyscaldedmydickoffwithhermockery.
Sheshiftstofacemeinthemidstofallofherletters.Atthispoint,I’vestoppedworryingaboutherprocess,andI’mjustgoingtoletherdowhatshe’sdoingeventhoughit’stakingovermyentirelivingroom.
“Doyouneedmetopressacoldcompressagainstit…maybesprayyouwithmorewater?”
“You’vedoneenough,”IsayasIpickupabananafromthecounter.
“Areyousure?BecauseI’matyourbeckandcall.Anythingyouneed,letmebeofservice.”
Letmebeofservice?
Icanseethatmaybeshewasfeelingguiltyaboutthewholecoffeeburningmylegthing,but…letmebeofservice?Nooo,that’snottheHattieI’vecometoknow.Sowhatgives?
Icockaneyebrowather.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“What?”sheasks,hervoicerising.“Idon’twantanything.I’mjustheretohelp.Helpmybossout.Yepper.Boss,boss,boss.Bossityboss.Thebossest.Justgivinghimallthehelp.”
“Bullshit,”Ireply,notbuyingasinglesecondofthis.“Youwantsomething.You’reneverthisnicetome,evenifyoudotrytoseartheskinoffmyleg.”
Sheholdsafingeruptome.“Thatwasanaccident.Imightnotlikeyou,butI’dneverpurposelytrytoharmyou.AndI’mjusttryingtomakesureI’mfulfillingallofyourneeds.Youarepayingme,afterall,anditwouldhelptolightenthemoodinthisdarkdungeonwithalittleniceness.”
“Youknow,themoreyoulietome,thelesslikelyI’llgiveyouwhateveryouwant.”
“WhatmakesyouthinkIwantsomething?Honestly,can’tapersonbenicetoanotherpersonwithout—”
“Hattie,”Isaysternly.
“Fine.”Sheletsoutadramaticsigh.Ifuckingknewit.ShemakesherwaytothekitchenislandwhereIamandsays,“MybestfriendMaggieiscomingtovisitmethisweekend,andIwashopingIcoulduseyourkitchentomakecookies.Idon’thaveakitcheninthestudioapartmentI’mstayinginandIpromisedheralmondcherrycookies.”
“That’sallyouwant?Mykitchen?”
Shenods.“Yes.”
“Youdon’thavetoasktouseit.Whateverisinthishouse,youcanuseit.Freerange.”
“Besidesthestudio,”shesays.
“JustbecauseIcan’tbedistracted,butifyouwantedtogointhere,youcould.”
“Well”—sheheavesasighofrelief—“Ishouldhaveaskedforsomethingbiggerifitwasgoingtobesoeasy.LikelettingMaggiestayinyourhousesowedon’thavetotrytofitonthesmallbedinmystudio.NexttimeI’llbesuretomakethebigasks.”
“Shecanstayhere,”Isay.
Hattiescoffs.“Okay,yeah,that’snotgoingtohappen.”
“Whyareyoulaughing?”Iask.
“Becausethat’sridiculous.I’mnotgoingtobringmyfriendtoyourhouse.We’llmakeitworkinmystudio.Wetriedmakingareservationattheinn,butthey’rebooked.We’lljustcuddleintight.”
“Scared?”Iaskher.
“Huh?”
“Tooscaredtostayhere?Afraidyourbrothermightfindout?”
“No.”Shescruncheshernoseup.“I’mnotgoingtoimposeonyoulikethat.Plus,Idon’twanttooweyouanything.”
“Youwouldn’toweme,”Isay.“You’remyemployee.Mattwouldhavebeenaffordedthesamecourtesy.”
“Wouldhe?”shequestions.
“Withinreason,”Ianswerwithacringe.“ProbablynotafterIfoundouthewaspickpocketinganythingofminehecouldgethishandson.”
“That’swhatIthought.Andno,thekitchenisgoodenough.Whichifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketomakethecookiesnowsotheyhavetimetocool.”
“Ifyou’relookingforingredients,Ihavenone.”
“Don’tworry,Ibroughteverythingrequiredtomakethem.Imainlyneedyouroven.”Sheheadstowardthefrontdoor,andIfollowher.Sheopensthepassengersideofmycarandpullsoutacooleraswellasabagfullofbakingutensilsandsheetpans.
“Letmehelpyou,”IsayasIreachforherbagsatthesametimeshegrabsthem.
Oureyesconnect,andIwatchherwetherlipsasshe’sashortdistanceawayfromme.“I…Igotthem,”shestutters.
“Letgo,Hattie.”
Fromthecommandinmyvoice,sheletsgoandthentakesastepback,hereyesunblinkingasshewatchesme.
Afterafewseconds,shesays,“Stopdoingnicethingsforme.”
IignoreherasIbringherbakingbagsintothekitchenandsetthemonthecounter.
“Didyouhearme?”shesaysasIunpackthebags,liningupheringredientsnicelyforher.“Isaidstopdoingnicethingsforme.”
“Iheardyou,”Isay.
“Thenwhyareyouunpackingmybags?”
“It’scalledprocrastination.”Iglanceupather.“Thoseinthecreativefieldareexpertsatit.So,no,I’mnotbeingnicetoyou.I’mjusttryingtofindthingstodotomakesureI’mnotdoingtheonethingI’mactuallysupposedtobedoing.”
“Ifthat’sthecase,startlookingthroughyourletters.”
“Ah,yousee,ifIweretodothat,thenI’dbepeggingmyselfasanidiot.”
Ipulloutherbakingsheetsandlinethoseuponthestovetop.
“Howwouldthatmakeyouanidiot?”
“BecauseI’mpayingyou,right?”
“Yes,”shedrawsout.
“SoifI’mpayingyou,thenwhywouldIdoajobI’mpayingsomeonetodo?Soundsprettyidiotictome,butliningupthisbakingshitthattrulyisapointlesstask.Nowthat’ssomethingIcandotokeepmefromwriting.Seehowitworks?”
Shestaresatme.“You’refuckedinthehead.”
Ichuckle.“Uscreativetypesalwaysare.”OnceI’mdone,Isetmyhandsonthecounterandlookherintheeyes.“Okay,what’snext?”
“Whatdoyoumean,what’snext?”sheaskswithaconfusedlookonherface.
“We’remakingcookies,sowhat’snext?”
“Uh,I’mmakingcookies,andyou’reheadedbacktoyourstudio.”
Ipullonthebackofmyneck.“Whatdidyounotunderstandaboutthewholeprocrastinationthing?”
“Whatdoyounotunderstandaboutmenotwantingyoutobenicetome?”
“Icancallyouadickwhilewebake.Willthatmakeyoufeelbetter?”Clearingmythroat,Iask,“Whatdoweneedtostartwith…dick?”
Sherelinquishes.“Noonesaysdickasaninsultanymore.Bemoreclever.”
“Whatwouldyouprefermetocallyou?”
“Idon’tknow,notdick.”
“Whatisyourgo-toinsult?”
Shebumpsmyshoulderwithhers,pushingmetothesideasshepicksupthebutterandstartsundoingthewrapper.“Makeyourselfuseful,”shesays,tossingmeastickofbutter.Ismiletomyself,knowingshe’sgivingintomyprocrastinationtechnique.“Andasfortheinsult,Igowiththeclassicname-callingofanus.”
“Anus?”Iask,laughing.“Asinabutthole?”
“Yes.It’sunexpected,rarelyused,andgrossifyouactuallythinkaboutit.”
“Soisthatwhatyouwantmetocallyou?”Iask.
“Ew,comeupwithsomethingyourself.”Shedropsthebutterinthelargebowlshebrought,soIdothesame.Shethenunravelsthecordtoherhandmixerandhandsmethecordtoplugitin.Onceit’sset,shegivesmethehandmixerandsays,“Beatthebutter.”
“Whatdoyoumeanbeatit?”Iask.
Sheglancesupatmeinsurprise.“Haveyounevermadecookiesbefore?”
“No,Ihaven’t.”
“Yourgrandmanevertaughtyou?”
“Shewasbusierteachingmeproperguitarchordsthanallowingmeinthekitchen.”
“Suchashame,thinkofallthebakingsongsyoucouldhavewrittenifyouhadatouchofexperiencebeatingbutter.”
“Yes,greatesthitsforsure.”
“Iknow.”Shemovesbehindme,wrapsherarmsaroundmeandplacesherhandontopofminethat’sholdingthemixer.
“Areyoutryingtomakeamoveonme?”
“No,youanus.”Isnort.“I’mtryingtoteachyou,butyou’refartoobigforthisposition.I’mgoingtohavetomirroryou.”
Shepushesmetowardtheendoftheisland,climbsontopofthecounter,andthensittingcross-leggedinfrontofme,shetakesmyhandagainandlooksmeintheeye.“Areyouready?”
“Idon’tknow.Thiscontraptionlooksscary,andyouseemtobeirritated.”
“Justknow,ifyoupissmeoff,Icanusethesebeatersonyourcrotchandturnyourdickintostraightupapplesauce.”
“What…thefuck?”
Shedoesn’treply.Instead,sheturnsonthemixer,anditfliesagainstthesideofthebowl.
“Christ,Hayes.Youhavemuscles,usethem.Steadythemixer.”
ButterfliesalloverthebowlandthecounterasItrytoreininthemachine.“Well,warnaguybeforeyoujustturniton.”
“Wasn’tawareyouweresoweak.”
“I’mnotfuckingweak,”Ishootbackaswesteadythemixerandtogetherbeatthebutter.
“Technically,thisiscalledcreamingthebutter,”shesaysafterafewmomentsofsilence.“ButIfiguredyouwouldbemassivelyinappropriateifIsaidcreamthebutter.”
“Youdon’tgivemeenoughcredit,”Isay.“I’mnotthatimmature.”
“Debatable.”Sheturnsoffthehandmixer.Insteadofgettingoffthecounter,shestaysseatedandsays,“Okay,sugarnow.Onecupofwhite,onecupofbrown.”
“That’salotofsugar.”
“Areyoujudgingmycookies?”
“No,”Isay,shakingmyhead.“Justsurprised.”
“Thereasonthey’regood,Hayes,isbecausethere’salotofsugarinthem,andofcourse,becauseofthealmondextract.”
“Question,”IsayasImeasurethesugar.“DoIgetanyofthesecookies?”
Sherollshereyesdramatically.“No,I’mjustgoingtoletyouhelpmemakethem,useyourkitchen,andthenhoardthemformyself.Honestly,Hayes…youreallyareananus.”
“Gladyou’reusingthattermloosely.Andyou’reright…unexpected,funny,yet…gross.”
Sheleansononehand.“Stickaround,Ihavesomuchmoretoteachyou.”
Wespendthenextfewminutesaddingeggs,thealmondextract,andthenputtingtogetherthedrymixtureinanotherbowl.Ihadnoideamakingcookieswasthisintricate,butapparently,it’satreasuredpastimeforHattie.
“DidCassidyteachyouthisrecipe?”Iaskasshepullsoutthemaraschinocherriesshedriedlastnight.
“Shedid.Shewantedasignaturecookieshecouldsellattheshop,andwhenshewastryingtofigureoutwhatwouldpairwellwithalmonds,sheknewcherriesandwhitechocolateweregoingtobeagreatmatch.Andbeforeyouask,shedidn’tgowithmilkordarkchocolatebecauseshewasafraidtheflavorprofilewasgoingtooverpowerthealmond.”
“Makessense,”Isay.“Thecombinationsoundsgoodtome.”
“It’sdelicious.ThefirsttimeIbroughtMaggiebacktoAlmondBay,shehadoneandhasbeenhookedeversince.I’djustgrabsomefromAubree,butsheseemedinundatedwithwork,soIfiguredmakingthemwouldbejustasfine.”
“Andyou’reteachingme,sobasicallyawin-winforyou.”
“Isthatwhatyou’dcallthis?”
“Yup,”Ianswer.
Shewinces.“Ithinkyou’repushingyourluck,asI’dhardlycallbakingwithyouawin.Now,graduallymixtheflourintothebatter.I’llholdthebowlforyou.Turnonthehandmixerandgoforit.”
“Okay,”IanswerasIturnonthehandmixerandpickupthedryingredientsbowlwiththeotherhand.Itiltittowardthewetingredients,andwhenitdoesn’tmove,Igivethebowlalighttapandtomydismay,allofthepowderfallsintothewetbowl.Likeamushroomcloud,thedryingredientspuffrightoutofthebowlandstraightupmynoseandovermyface.
“OhmyGod.”HattielaughshystericallyasIturnoffthemixerandsetthebowldown.Iwipemyfingersacrossmyface,clearingofftheflour,thechalkysubstancestickingtomyskin.Thiswillwarrantashower.“That’sthebestthingIthinkI’veeverseen.Toobadwe’renotfriendsbecauseI’dtakeapictureofyouandsendittoourfriendcircle.”
“Suchashame,”IsayasIcoughoutsomeflour.“Wouldn’tbethefirsttimeawhitesubstancewasupmynose.”
Hereyeswiden,andsheleansslightlyforward.Whispering,shecutelysays,“Seriously?”
Ichuckle.“Yeah,seriously.”
“Hayes.”Sheusesareprimandingvoice.“Areyousayingyou’vedonedrugs?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”IaskasIwetapapertowelandrubitovermyface
“Yourgrandmawouldbesodisappointed.”
Ichucklenow.“Iwasyoungandstupidandhungoutwiththewrongpeoplewhileontour.”
“Wait,soyoudon’tdoanydrugsnow?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,learnedmylessonafteranightwhereIendedupinahotelroominKansasCity,butt-assnaked,withnowalletorphone.”
“WasKansasCityapartyplaceforyouorsomething?”
Ishakemyhead.“IstartedthenightinAtlanta,Georgia.HowIgottoKansasCity,I’mstillinthedarkaboutthat.”
“Ohshit.”Shechuckles.“Yeah,sothat’sscary.”
“EspeciallywhenIhadtofashionahotelsheetforpants.Youlearnprettyquicklyafterthat.”
“Wasithardtoquit?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Iwasneveraddicted,andIneverdiditthatmuch,justoccasionally.Andit’sbeenmanyyearssincetheKansasCityincident,soI’vebeencleanforawhile.”
“Thankgoodness,Icouldn’tpossiblyworkforadrug-hoardinganus.CouldIworkforaregularanus?Sure,I’llmakeaccommodations,butnotadrug-hoardingone.”Thisgirlisanut.
“Gladtoseeyouhavestandards.”
***
Idragmyhandovermyfaceandleanbackonmycouchinmystudio,mymouthwateringfromthesmellofthecookieswaftingthroughthehouseandthememoryofHattielaughingoverthefactthatIblastedtheflourupintheairwiththehandmixer.I’mprettysureIstillhavesomeupmynose.
AndIlikedeverysecondofit.
Nottheflour,butthetimespentwithHattie.
Ilikedthedistraction.
Ilikedthatshesatonthecounterandhelpedme.
Ilikedthatshedidn’tscoffatthefactthatI’venevermadecookiesbutwalkedmethrougheverything.
Andwhenwewereshapingthecookies,sheheldmyhandsandhelpedmemoldthem.WhenwasthelasttimeIjust…hadfunlikethat?Pure,simplefun?
Years?
Well,Ifuckinglikedeverysecondofit,andIshouldn’t…formanyreasons.
Reasonnumberone,herbrotherhatesme.
Reasonnumbertwo,she’stwelveyearsyounger.
Reasonnumberthree,she’stechnicallyworkingforme.
ButJesus,noneofthatseemstomatterasIkeepwantingtogobackintothelivingroomtotalktoher.Tocheckoutherprogress.TojustseeifIcangetherriledup.
Likerightnow,Iwanttogooutthereandjuststartagoddamnconversationforthehellofit.
I’mnotgoingto,though.
Nope.Notgoingoutthere.
Itakeadeepbreathandpickupmyphone.IpullupmythreadwithAbelandshoothimatext.
Hayes:IthinkIfuckedup.
Ifanyonecanhelpmethroughthesethoughtsinmyhead,it’shim.Thankfully,hemustbebetweenpatientsbecausehetextsmeback.
Abel:IfyoutellmeyoufuckedHattie,I’mgoingtoloseit.
Hayes:No.Ididn’t.
Abel:ThankJesus.Thenhowdidyoufuckup?
Hayes:Iknowyoutoldmetobecareful,butIthinkthereasonIcan’tseemtolethergoisbecauseIlethergetundermyskin.
Abel:Whatlevelunderyourskinarewetalkingabout?
Hayes:Ilikebeingaroundher.
Abel:Jesus.Dude,I’mtellingyou,thisisabadidea.Reallyfuckingbad.Okay,youdonotwanttogetinvolved.
Hayes:Iknow,andthereareotherreasonsIshouldn’tgetinvolved,manyotherreasons,butit’shardnottogetpulledinbyhercharm.
Abel:Tryharder.Ifyouneedto,gofindsomeonetoshakeoffthese…feelings.Anythingtogetyourmindoffher.
Hayes:Yeah,you’reright.IjustthinkI’mspendingtoomuchtimenearher.Shewon’tbeherethisweekend,herfriendwillbeintown.Thatwillhelp.
Abel:Perfect.Thisweekend,findsomeonetofuck.
Hayes:Okay,yeah.Icandothat.
Abel:Good,andifyoustarttofeellikethisagain,textme.I’llhelpyouout.Evenifthatmeansyouneedtosendmeadickpictogetthatoutofyoursystem.
Hayes:Doyouthinkthat’ssomethingIdo?
Abel:Idon’tknow.I’mjustheretoserve.
Hayes:I’llspareyouthedickpic.
Abel:ThankJesus.Although,withtheamountofoldcocksIseeinaweek,Icoulduseafresherone.
Hayes:Areyoucallingmydickfresh?
Abel:Fresherthantheeighty-year-oldshriveledstringcheeseIsawtoday.
Hayes:Jesusfuck,man.
Abel:Wasthatawetblanketforyou?BecauseIhavemorewherethatcamefrom.
Hayes:Keepitasammunitionfornow.Youmighthavetopulloutyourarsenalonme.
Abel:Lockedandloaded.
Knock.Knock.
IglanceupatmydoorasifIcanseethroughit,andIsay,“Yeah?”
Thedooropens,andHattiepokesherheadin.“Uh,Iwanttoeatacookie.NowIknowyoumadethem,soIfiguredI’dgiveyoutherighttoeatonewithmebeforeIstartedmunchingaway.Considerthisacourtesy.”
“Areyouinvitingmetohaveacookiewithyou?”
“Never,”shesays.“I’mtellingyouI’meatingacookiewhetheryoulikeitornot.Feelfreetohaveoneatthesametime.”Andthenshetakesoff,lettingthedoorshutonitsown.
IstaredownatmyphoneandthetextsfromAbeltellingmetostayaway,buteventhoughmyeyesscanoverhiswords,mybodystands.Withonetossofthephonetotheemptycouch,Iforgeteverythinghesaidandheadouttothekitchen,wherehermusicisplayingonherphoneagain.Thistime,it’sacoverofDon’tStopBelievin’.
Shesnagsacookiefromthecoolingracks,andwhensheturnstofindmeapproaching,Iseeaslightsmirkpassoverherlipsbeforeshehoistsherselfupontothecounter.
Igrabacookieaswellandleanagainstthecounter.Hereyeslandonmine,andthenoddly,together,wetakeabite.Themomentthesugarygoodnesshitsmytongue,flavorsofcherryandalmondpoppingoffmytastebuds,Iknowthishasinstantlybecomemynewfavoritecookie.
“Holyshit,”Isay.“Thesearegood.”
Shechecksoutthecookieinherhand.“Youknow,I’dsayyoudidagoodjob.I’mimpressed.”
“I’mimpressedwithmyself.”Itakeanotherbite.“HowmanyofthesedidyousayIcouldhave?”
Sheeyesme.“Five,sopaceyourself.Maggieisgoingtowantatleasttwodozen.That’showcrazysheisaboutthem.”
“Fivewon’tbeenough.”
“Toobad,thatwasthedeal.”Sheshrugs.
“Wenevermadeadealaboutthenumber.Andtechnically,youmadetheseinmykitchen.Therefore,theybelongtome.”
“Uh,waitagoddamnsecond,”shesays,straighteningup.“Wemighthavemadetheminyourkitchen,butIwastheonewhoboughttheingredients.Therefore,apercentageofthembelongtome.”
“Withoutmykitchen,therewouldbenocookies.”
Shelevelswithme.“Withoutmyingredients,theredefinitelywouldn’tevenbeaninklingofcookies.”
“Thenwesplitthem,halfandhalf…”Ipauseasasetoffamiliarchordsplaysthroughherphonespeaker.Andthen…asmirkliftsmylipsasshelooksatmeconfused.IttakesheralloffivesecondstorealizewhyI’msmirkingbeforesheleapsoffthecounterandgrabsherphone,turningoffthemusic.
“It’snotwhatyouthink,”shesays,phoneinonehand,cookieintheother.
Imovepasttheislandandslowlywalkuptoher,feelingcockyasshit.“NotwhatIthinkitis?Becauseitsureasshitseemslikeyourphonewasjustplayingoneofmysongs.Whywoulditdothatunlessyouactuallylistentomymusic?”
“Itwasplayingmusicfromtheseventies,”shesays.
“Funny,becausemysongsaren’tfromtheseventies.”Isteprightinfrontofherandshovetherestofmycookieinmymouth.Ireachforherphone,butshepullsherarmaway.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”
“Iwanttoseeyourplaylists.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIwanttoseeifyouhaveonededicatedtome.”
Sherollshereyes.“Conceitedmuch?Ifyourecall,Iconsideryourmusicabsoluteswill.Whatyoujustheardwasacompletecoincidence.ThereisnowayI’ddedicateawholeplaylisttoyou.”
“Thenletmeseethem.”
Sheshrugs.“Fine,haveatit.”Shehandsmeherphone,andIopenherplaylists,scrollingthroughthem.
There’sHeart,Blondie,TheMamas&thePapas,SimonandGarfunkel,slowseventies,rockseventies,seventiescovers,butnothingwithmyname.
Huh…shame.
“See,toldyou.I’dratherstickaforkinmyearthansitandlistentoyourmusic.”
“Cute,”IsayasIhandherbackherphone.
“Areyoudisappointed?”
“Slightly,”Ianswerandmoveawayfromher.“Ithoughtforasecondthatmaybeyouwereharboringsomesecretfangirlstatusforme.”
“Ha,inyourdreams,Farrow.”
“Apparently,”Isayandstepoveroneofherpilesofletters.Iglancearound.“I’massumingyou’releavingthesepileslikethisthroughtheweekend.”
“Obviously.Youneedtoknow,ifanything,I’mthorough.”
“Toafault,”IsayasIwalkaway.“Halfthosecookiesaremine.”
“Onceagain,inyourdreams,Farrow.”ChapterNine
HATTIE
“You’rehere,”IsayasIflingmyselfatMaggie,herwarmhugsoothingmyverysoulinseconds.
“Thatdrivewasatrocious,”shesays.“RainedthewholewayuntilIgothere.Whatthehell?”
Ichuckle.“Oldgrannycouldn’thandletherain?”
“No,youknowhowIdriveintherain.White-knucklingitthewholetime,evenifit’sjustsprinkling.”
“Well,you’reherenow.Let’sgetyouupstairs.Ihaveyourcookiesallreadyforyou.”
“See,Iknewtherewouldbelightattheendoftherain-soakedtunnel.”
ItakeherbagandwegothroughthebackofTheAlmondStore.Aubreehasalotofcustomersatthemomentfromtheinfluxoftouriststoday,soIdon’twanttobotherher,andweheadupthestairstomydoor.
“IhadnoideaTheAlmondStorehadanapartmentaboveit.”
“Yeah,it’scozyinhere,soprepareyourself,”IsayasIopenthedoorandrevealmytinystudio.
Maggiepausesonthestairs,lookinginsidebutnotsteppingin.“Um,what’sthis?”sheasks.
“Myapartment,”Ianswer.
Sheshakesherhead,stillpeekinginbutneverfullyinsertingherself.“No,thisisnotanapartment.Thisisacloset,Hattie,andasmalloneatthat.”Hereyesdartaroundthetinyspace.“Itdoesn’thaveakitchen.”
“No,butithasaminifridge,andthat’sanicetouch.”Iwalkovertothedresser,whereIhavehalfofthecookiesImadewithHayes.Yup…half.“Andlook,Imadeyoucookies.Yum.Yum.”
Shesetsherbagdownonthetopofthestairsandfoldsherarmsacrossherchest.“Now,Hattie,youknowI’mnotadivaandI’vesleptonyourdormfloorbefore,butIamaladynow.Doyoutrulyexpectme,asalady,tosleepinthisclosetwithyou?”Sheglancesoveratthebedandpoints.“Arewesupposedtosharethat?Idon’tthinkIcouldevensqueezeinontheendbecausetheslantedceilingeatsuphalfofthebed.”
Huh…Ididn’tthinkaboutthat
“Yeah,itissortoftight,isn’tit?”Iask.
“Itis,”sheanswers.
Dammit.
“Wecanmakeitwork,”shesayswithanunsteadylook.Iknowshe’sbeingkind,andMaggieisn’tthekindofpersonwhowouldcareaboutsomethinglikewhereshesleeps,butifIlookatit,withtheceiling,itwouldbeasifwe’resharingatwinbed.
“Um,Imighthavesomethingdifferent.Givemeasecond,”IsayasIpulloutmyphone.
“Thisisfine,really,”Maggiesays,standingatthetopofthestairs.
“Saysthegirlwhowon’tevenentertheroom.”
Shechucklesandsays,“I’mgettingacclimated.”
Shakingmyhead,IturnaroundandtextHayes.
Hattie:So…rememberwhenyouwerenicetomeandsaidIcouldbringMaggietoyourhouse?Isthatofferstillavailable,ordiditexpire?
Thankfully,hetextsbackrightaway
Hayes:Stillavailable.
Hattie:Cool…socouldIbringherovernow?
Hayes:Ifyoubringlunch.
Hattie:Deal.Whatdoyouwant?
Hayes:Andtheotherhalfofthecookies.
Hattie:Hayes!ThoseareforMaggie.
Hayes:Cookiesornobed.
Hattie:Fine!Nowwhatdoyouwantforlunch?
Hayes:BluecheeseburgerfromProvisionswithasidesalad.
Hattie:Asidesalad?Whentheyhavethebestfriesever?
Hayes:It’seitherfriesorcookies,andIchoosecookies.
Hattie:You’remassivelyannoying.
Hayes:Yourealizeyou’resayingthattothepersonofferingtheirhousetoyourfriend.
Hattie:WhydoIfeellikeyou’regoingtoholdthisovermyhead?
Hayes:BecauseIwouldn’tbethe“anus”youthinkIamifIdidn’t.
Hattie:Facts.
“Whoareyoutexting?”Maggieasks.“Becauseyou’resmiling.”
Ilookupatheranddropthecornersofmymouth.“No,I’mnot.”
“Yes,youare,”shereplies.“Youweresmiling.Sotellmewhothehellyouweretexting,andifyousayMatt,I’mgoingtoscream.”
“Itwasn’tMatt,”Isay,feelingslightlyembarrassedthatshecaughtmesmilingwhenIdidn’tevenknowIwassmiling.“ItwasHayes.”
“HayesFarrow,”Maggiesilentlywhispersasshemoves—Imeanfloats,she’sactuallyfloatingfromthesoundofhisname—intomystudio.“Whywereyoutextinghim?”
“Heofferedtoletusstayathisplacewhileyouwereherebecauseheknowshowsmallmyapartmentis.”
“Well,whatthehellarewewaitingfor?”sheasksasshetugsonmyarmtowardthedoor.“Let’sgetthehelloutofhere.”
Laughing,Isay,“Wait,Ineedtopackmystufffirst.”
“Hurryup.Wecan’tbewastinganytime.Hayesneedsus.”
Good…God…
Icanalreadytellthisisgoingtobeabadidea.
***
“It’sbeautiful,”Maggiesays,handsclutchedtogether,lookingupatHayes’shouse,herfacepracticallypressedagainstthewindowofhisvehicle,whichshegushedoveraswell.
“Maggie,whatdidwetalkaboutonthewayoverhere?”
“Beingcool,Idon’tneedareminder.Trustme,I’mascoolasacucum—ohmyGod,he’sopeningthedoor.”
“Maggie…please,”Ibegofher.
“It’sfine.I’mfine,”shesaysasHayesappearsatthefrontdoorwearingblackjeansandawornEaglesT-shirtwithsomeholesaroundthecollar.And,ofcourse,he’swearingabackwardhatintypicalHayesfashion.“Ahhh,”shescreamsasshepopsoutofthecarandrunsrightuptohim,hugginghim.
Jesus.
Christ.
IwatchasmybestfriendbarrelsintohimandthesurprisedlookonHayes’sfaceashewrapshisarmsaroundher,herfaceburyingitselfintohischest.
Mortified,Igetoutofthecaraswell,justintimetohearMaggiesay,“OhmyGod,Iloveyousomuch.Everythingaboutyou.Yourlook,yourattitude,yourmusic.Youbreathelifeintomysoulonadailybasis.Withoutyou,I’dbedead,absolutelydead.Sofreakingdead.ButI’mnot,becauseyouexistandyourmagicalguitar-playinghandsexist.”Sheliftshishandandtwiddleshisfingers.“Ooo,lookatthosewell-earnedcalluses.Callusesthathavegracedthisworldwithyourbeautiful,bone-chillingmusic.”
Thiswasahugemistake.
“Andlookatyoureyes.”Shegripshischeeksandpullshiminclosertogetabetterlookathim.“Holyshit,Hattie,haveyouseenhiseyes?They’resomuchgrayerinpersonlikeI’malmoststaringintoamirror.Lookatthosethings.I’veneverseenanythinglikeit.Andthesepecs.”Sheslapsthepalmofherhandstohischestandgiveshimasolidfondling.
“Maggie,don’ttouchhim.”Thisissohumiliating.
“They’resobeefy.Youshouldreallyweartightershirtstoshowthemoff,ordomoreshirtlesscologneads.Imean,sure,I’vebookmarkedeverysingleoneI’veseenforresearchpurposes,butIthinktheworldneedsmore.I’maweddingplanner,andsometimesthegroomstellmetheywanttogetinshapeforthewedding,soIsendthemsomeHayesFarrowinspiration…that’salie.”Sheshakesherhead.“Theinspirationisforme,andmealone…ifyouknowwhatImean.”Sheelbowshimknowinglyinthestomach.
“Maggie,”Ihiss.
“Andhonestly,IneverwouldhaveknownaboutyouunlessitwasforHattie.IrememberthefirsttimeIheardyourmusic.”
Ohfuck!
No,Maggie,nooooo…
“Maggie,let’snot—”
Hayesholdsuphishand,adevilishgrinonhisface.“No,Iwanttohearthis.”
DreadenvelopsmeasIfeelallthecolorrushfrommyface.
Completelyoblivious,Maggiecontinues,“Itwasinourdormrightbeforeclassesstarted.WejustmeteachotherandshewasplayingmusicwhenIreturnedfromthebookstore.SheaskedifIwantedhertoturnitoff,andItoldheritwasfine.ItwasthefirsttimeIheardyourrustic,earthyvoiceandIwasaddicted.Iaskedherwhowassinging,andshesaidHayesFarrowandthenproceededtoshowmehersecretplaylistofyourmusic.Irememberthefirstnightwetriedpot,westaredupatthestarsandlistenedtoTheReasononreplay.”Sheleansforwardandwhispers,“Ilostmyvirginitytothatsong.”
AndIwanttobesuckedintotheearthasHayesstuffshishandsintohispocketsandlookspastMaggieandstraightatmeashetalks.“I’mgladIcouldbeofservice…withlosingyourvirginityandall.”
Maggiegoesintodetailabouttheawkwardnight,butthewholetime,Hayesstandsthere,staringatme,asatisfiedlookstrungacrosshishandsomeface.It’sofficial,I’llbelookingforanewbestfriendstartingtomorrow.
***
“Whatthefuck,Maggie,”Iwhispertoheroncewe’realoneinherroom,theroomHayesassignedheraftershestoppedgushing.
“Wow,thisplaceissonice,”shesays,smoothingherhandoverthepristinewhitebedding.“Ifeellikewe’reinafive-starresort.”
“Uh,hello,I’mtalkingtoyou.”
“Huh?”Shefinallylooksatme,andInoticethestarsinhereyes.Jesus
Ipinchthebridgeofmynoseandsay,“Doyouevenrealizewhatyousaidbackthere?”
“No.”Shewinces.“IswearIblackedout.Ididn’tembarrassmyself,didI?”Shenibblesthecornerofhermouth,andInearlyflyoutofmyspandextotackleher.
“Uh,youjabberedonforasolidfiveminuteswhilethrowingmeunderthebusaboutlikinghismusic.”
“Whyisthatabadthing?”sheasks.“He’syourboss,afterall.”
“BecausehethinksIhatehim.”
“Why,though?Like,whydoesitmatter?”
“Because…”IgotoanswerandthenrealizeIdon’thaveananswerotherthanbecauseofRyland…andpride.
“That’swhatIthought.”Maggieshrugs.“AsfarasI’mconcerned,Iprobablydidyouafavor.Isawthewayhewaslookingatyou.CanIjustsay,I’mjealous.Ifthatmanwaslookingatmethewayhewaslookingatyou,I’dhavetornoffmyshirtandploppedmyboobrightinhishand,withoutquestion.”
“Thereissomethingseriouslywrongwithyou,”IsayasIflopbackonthebed,themostcomfortablebedI’veeverlainon.Damnhim.
Shejoinsmeonthebed,liesback,andclaspsherhandwithmine.“Let’sforgetaboutthatandtellmewhyyouneedmebecauseasfarasI’mconcerned,itseemslikeyouhaveafriendinHayes.”She’swrong.Ifthere’sonethingthathasbeensoabundantlyclearsinceIlandedbackinAlmondBay,it’sthatIhavenooneinmycorner.ExceptMaggie…beforeallhergushing.I’vejustfeltso…lonely.
“He’snotmyfriendandhehatesmybrotherandmybrotherhateshimandmybrotherhatesmeandmysisterhatesmeandtheonlypersoninthistownthatseemstocareahintaboutmeisHayesandIdon’tlikethat.Ifeellikemysisterandmybrothershouldcareaboutme,butalltheycareaboutismegoingtoschoolandIfailedoutthissemestersowhatthehellamIsupposedtotellthem?TheonlythingtheycareaboutwhenitcomestomeissomethingIfailed.Theybarelytalktomenow,theywon’twanttotalktomeafterthis…ohmyGod,andiftheyeverfoundoutaboutHayes,they’dhatemeevenmore.”
Maggietakesadeepbreathandsays,“That’salottoprocess.You’veonlybeenhereforafewdays.Howthehelldidyoudothatmuchinlessthanaweek?”
“Iworkfast,apparently.”
“Youdo,”sheanswers.“Whydon’twegrabadrink,ourburgers,andtalk?”
Inod.“Okay.”
***
“Hereyougo,”Hayessays,carryingourdrinksouttohispatiooverlookingtheocean.
“Thankyou,”Maggiesays.“You’resosweet.Andthankyouagainforallowingustostayhere.YoushouldseethestudioHattie’sbeenlivingin.Thereisnowaywewouldhavefitintheretogether.”
“Itoldhershecouldstayhere,butsherefused.”
Maggiewhacksmyarm.“Whywouldyourefuse?It’ssonicehere.”
“It’sbecauseshedoesn’twantmebeingnicetoher,”Hayessays,handsinhispocketsagain.“I’mknownasthedevilinherfamily,youknow?”
“Oh,I’veheard.YouwrongedRylandinsomeway,right?Atleast,that’swhatI’vebeentold.”
“I’msureyouhave,”hesays.“Butshe’dratherstayinatinystudiothaninalavishhouselikethis.Goestoshowjusthowgoddamnstubbornsheis.”
“YourealizeifIstayedhere,mybrotherwouldlegitlosehismind,”Icutin.
“Seemslikeafungameweshouldtry,don’tyouthink,Maggie?”Hayesrocksonhisheels,enjoyingthisfartoomuch.
“Imean,asherbestfriendlookingoutforher,I’dsayno.ButasalongtimefanofHayesFarrow,I’dsaylet’strythedrama.”
“Yourloyaltyremainswithme,rememberthat,”Isay.
“Alas,”shesighs.“Imustsay,let’snotpissoffthebrother,whichmeans,stopbeingnicetomyfriend.”
“Fine,”Hayessays.“GuessI’llstartkickingherinthecrotchasagreetingeverytimeIseeher.”
“That’sallI’masking,”Ijoke,makinghimsmirkinmydirection.It’sacutesmirk.
“Well,I’llleaveyoutwotoit.I’llbeinthehouse,notseeingifyouneedanythingelse.”Heturnsonhisheel,headsbackintothehouse,andshutsthedoorbehindhim.
Maggieshakesherheadbutdoesn’tsayanythingasshetakesabiteofherburger.Shedoesn’thavetosayanythingformetoknowwhatshe’sthinking,it’swrittenalloverherface.
“Justsayit,”Ifinallysay.
Sheglancesovermyshoulder,thenleansinandwhispers,“Hewouldbegreatforyou.”
Yup,Iknewshewasgoingtosaythat.
“Maggie,hewouldn’t.Thereissomuchfrustrationandangerbetweenhimandmybrother,andwiththetowninvolved,thempickingsides,itwouldbesuchaRomeo-and-Juliet-typesituationwithanuglyending.”
“But…youlikehim,don’tyou?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead,eventhoughinthebackofmymind,itsortoffeelslikealittlebitofalie.“Hehashisgoodmoments,butIdon’tthinkwewouldbegoodtogether,andhonestly,I’mnotsurehe’smytype.”
“Extremelyhot,greatvoice,andkindisnotyourtype?Jesus,Mattreallydidanumberonyou,didn’the?”
“It’snotthat,Maggie,andyouknowit.”Ipickupmyburger.“It’scomplicated,andIdon’tthinkgettinginvolvedoreventhinkingaboutgettinginvolvedwithanyoneatthispointisagoodidea.Icanbarelyfostertherelationshipswithmybrotherandsister,letalonesomeoneelse.”
“Iunderstand,”shesays,growingserious.“Tellmewhat’sgoingonwithRylandandAubree.Aretheypreoccupied?”
Inod.“WhichItotallyget,theirliveshavebeenturnedupsidedownwithnotonlylosingCassidybutalsotakingonnewresponsibilitiestheywerenotexpecting.AndthepressuretokeepCassidy’sspiritalive.Iknowthey’restruggling,buttheyjustwon’tletmehelpthem.IwenttograbpizzawithAubreeanditwasalmostasifshewashorrifiedthatIevenaskedhertoshareamealwithher,alone.Butwebarelystartedeatingwhensheditchedme.Legit,gotupandleft.Itwassaddeningandhumiliating.Andshejustwon’ttalktome.”
“IstheproblemmorewithAubree?”Maggieasks.
“Yes,she’stheonepushingmeawaymore.IthinkwithRyland,IfeelsoguiltywithwhatI’mdoingthatIdon’thaveitwithinmetofacehim,whichisputtingagapinourrelationship.Iknowthisbecausehehasn’treachedoutsinceIhaddinnertheretheothernight.”
“He’salsobusytryingtotakecareofafour-year-old,”Maggiepointsoutandgentlyplacesherhandonmine.“Itrulybelievetheirliveshavechanged,theirperspectives,andtheirday-to-dayoperations.Maybeinthepast,itwouldhavebeennaturalforthemtoreachouttoyouwhileyouwereintown,havemeals,hangout,butIdon’tthinkanyofithasanythingtodowithyou,andalotofithastodealwithwhatthey’regoingthrough.”
“Yeah,you’reprobablyright.”
“Doesn’tmeanyoucan’thavefeelingsaboutit.I’msureyou’refeelingleftout,likeyoudon’tbelong…fitin,especiallysinceCassidywasyourperson.”Maggietakesmyhandinhers.“That’ssuchavalidfeeling,Hattie,andyou’reallowedtoexperiencethelossofallthat.Itrulybelieveyou’regoingthroughsomegrowingpainswithyourfamily,butIhavenodoubtitwillallcometogether.”
“Youthinkso?”Iask.
Shenods.“Iknowso.IfIknowanythingabouttheRowleys,isthatnomatterwhat,you’rethereforeachother.”
Inod.“Yeah,weare.”Well,weusedtobe,anyway.Itdoesn’treallyfeellikethatanymore.NotsincewelostCassidy.
“Anduntilthey’reabletopeektheirheadupforsomeair,I’mhereforyoueverystepoftheway.”
“It’swhyIloveyou.”ChapterTen
HAYES
Istareattheflamesofmygasfirepitinfrontofme,watchingthedarkblueembersfadeintoorange.Thefainttwinklingofstarsjustvisibleintheclearnightsky,despitethefireinfrontofme.Withmyguitarinhand,Irandomlystrokesomechords,notreallymakingmusic,justcreatingasoothingsoundasIthinkabouttheday.
Maggieisfuckinghilarious.
Whenshefirstapproachedme,Icouldtellshewasabouttofangirl,butIhadnoclueshewasgoingtorevealHattie’sdirtylittlesecret—shelikesmymusic.
NothinghasgivenmeasmuchjoyasthemomentIsawherfaceturnadangerousshadeofredwhileMaggierambledon.ItwillgodowninthebooksasoneofthebestmomentsofmylifebecauseHattiewillgooutofherwaytomakesureIthinkshehatesme.Completelyoutofherway,yet,allalongshe’sbeenasecretfangirl.
Afangirl.
Hasaplaylistofmymusic.
Listenstothe“swill”Iwrite.
Hell…Ihatetoadmitit,butitmakesmefeeldamngood.
Reallygood.
“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”hersoftvoicesays,startlingmeasIlookovermyshoulder.
WearingapairofsilkshortsandaUniversityofSanFranciscoT-shirt,shehasherhairupinamessybunandherarmscrossedoverherchest.
“Couldn’tsleep,”Isay,knowingit’swaypastmidnight.“Whataboutyou?”
“Same,”shesays.“IwenttothekitchenforadrinkwhenIsawthefire.Iwasnervousyouleftiton,butthensawyousittingoverhereinthedarklikeacreep.”
Ichuckle.“Likeacreep,huh?”
“Yup.”
Inodforhertocomesitnexttome,andsurprisingly,shejoinsmeonthetwo-personbenchIhaveinfrontofthefirepit.
“Areyoucold?”Iaskherasshetakesaseatandshivers.
“Alittle.Ididn’tthinkitwouldbecoldouthere,evenwithafire.”
“That’stheoceanbreezeforyou.”Isetmyguitardownandslipmyfavoriteblacksweatshirtovermyheadandhandittoher.“Here,putthison.”
Sheglancesatmeandthendownatthesweatshirt.“You’rebeingniceagain.”
“I’llbesuretotripyoutomorrowsoyoulandfacefirstintoawall.”
“Deal,”shesaysasshetakesthesweatshirtandslipsitoverherhead,thefabricnearlyswallowingherwhole.Shegroansinfrustration.“It’sannoyingthatthissmellssogood.”Shetakesadeepsniffofmysweatshirtandletsoutasigh.“Ugh,yousmellamazing.Whycan’tyousmelllikedirtyfishgutsorrottencompost?”
“Sorry,I’llworkonthat.I’llseeifColeman’shasanydirtyfishgutsIcanstickundermyarmpits.”
“It’sallI’masking.”Shelightlychucklesandpullsherkneesintoherchest,herarmswrappingaroundhershins.“ThankyouagainforlettingmeandMaggiestayhere.I’mprettysurethisisthehighlightofheryear.”
“Itwasthehighlightofminetoo,”IsayasIleanback.“Foundoutthegirlwhospendseverywakinghourtryingtoconvincemeshehatesme,actuallyenjoysmymusic.Wait,notenjoysit…obsessesoverit.”
Hattieburiesherheadinherhandandgroans.“IthinkIneedtoresignfrommyjob.”
“Youcan’tresign.Allyou’vedoneismakeagiantmessinmyhousewithnorhymeorreason.You’renotallowedtoleaveuntilthat’ssortedout.”
“LikeIsaid…Ihaveasystem.”
“Can’twaittoseehowthesystemactuallyworks,”Ireply.
“You’llbemarveled.”
“I’msureofit.”Afterasecondofsilence,Iask,“IsTheReasonstillyourfavoritesong?Oristhereasongforeveryyearyou’velovedmethatisyourfavorite?Maybeasongforeverymood?”
“Ihateyou,”shesays,staringoutatthefire.
“Soyou’vetoldme.”Inudgeherwithmyhand.“Comeon,tellme.”
“No.Irefusetomakeyourheadanybiggerthanitalreadyis.Let’sjustgobacktopretendingIdon’tlikeyourmusic.”
“That’snotgoingtohappen,”Isay.“Maggiehasopenedmyeyes,andthey’llneverbeclosedafterthis.”
“That’screepy.”
“Perhaps,”Ireply.“Butit’sthetruth.”Inudgeheragain.“Comeon,theleastyoucandoafterIletyoustayherewithMaggieistellmeaboutmysongs.Maybeit’llhelpmewritesomething.”
“Oh,don’tstartwiththat,asifIhavesomemagicalpowerthatwillhelpyouwrite.”
“Maybeyoudo.Let’sfindoutandsee.”
Fromherprofile,Icatchherrollinghereyes,butdespitebeingannoyed,shesays,“TheReasonwillalwaysbemyfavoritesongofyoursformanyreasons—nopunintended.Ihavealotofmemoriesconnectedtothatsong.ButwhenI’minagoodmood,I’llplayHeartstopperbecauseitcankeepthejoyinmysoul.It’supbeat,andfun,anddespiteCassidybeingteamRyland,sheadmittedtolovingthatsong.AndwhenI’msadandjustwanttobesad,IlistentoTheDayILostYoubecauseithelpsmesitinmyfeelings.AfterIlostCassidy,Ilistenedtothatonrepeatandcriedforhours.”Ireachoutandpressmyhandtoherback,slowlyrubbingmythumbinasoothingmotion.
“AndwhenIwanttogetworkdoneandneedthemotivation,IlistentoyourBlackalbum.IthasthesamevibesasTaylorSwift’sReputation,anditmakesmewanttofuckthingsupandgetthingsdone.IthinkIloveallthesongsonthatalbumequally.ButthefirstsongIheardofyoursthatIlovedandwouldsecretlylistentowasSinnerVersusSaint.Irememberfeelingsoguiltylisteningtoit,butIimmediatelyfellinlovewithyourvoicebecauseitwasdark,dreamy,andedgyatthesametime.”Sheshrugs.“Thereyouhaveit.”
Idragmyhandslowlyovermymouth.“Wow,Iwasnotexpectingthat.”
Shelooksoverhershoulder.“Consideritasathank-youforlettingMaggiestayhere.Itmighthavepainedmetoadmitallofthat,butIthinkIowedittoyou.”
I’msilentforasecondbecauseI’mgenuinelyflooredbyherhonesty.It’ssuchararegiftthesedays,somuchsothatI’vealmostforgottenwhatitcosts.Truehonesty.Butthisgirl,apartfromherfabricationaboutlikingmymusic,hasbeenhonest.Real.“Yourealizeyouowemenothing,right?”
Sheturnstowardmeandsays,“Really,Hayes?Withoutyouatthemoment,Idon’tknowwhereI’dbe.Probablyspeakingthetruthtomysiblingsandsleepinginastudioabovemydeadsister’sAlmondShop.Atleastwithyou,Ihavesomethingtolookforwardto.”
“BecauseIblackmailedyou.”
“IfItrulydidn’twanttobehere,Ithinkwebothknow…youwouldhaveletmego.”
Istareintohereyesandadmitthetruth,notstoppingmyself.“I’dletyoudoanything,Hattie.”
Shetiltsherheadtotheside.“Why?”
Ishrugbutcanfeelthereasondeepinmysoul.I’mfuckinglonely.
“Why,Hayes?”sheasks,pressingme.
Idrapemyarmoverthebackofthebench.“Idon’tknow,Hattie,maybebecauseit’sfuckinglonelyoutontheroad.ThatIdon’thaveasmanypeopleclosetomeasIthoughtIdid.Youpushmeaway,butstillstayclose.Youdon’ttakewhenotherpeoplewill…andthatmakesmerealizeyou’renotheretouseme,especiallysinceyouknowyoucouldleaveanymomentyouwant,andIwon’tholditagainstyou.”
Shefiddleswithherhandsinherlap.“You’remakingitreallyhardnottolikeyou.”
“MaybeI’mnotthekindofguyyoushouldbehating,”Isay.
“Witheverydaythatpasses,I’mbeginningtothinkthat.”Sheturnsaway,andwhenIthinkshe’sabouttogetupandleave,shescootsbackagainstthebenchandleansagainstmyarm.Butthenshescootsincloserandpositionsherbodytoleanagainstmychestandmyarm.
Fuckinghell.
It’snotcuddling,butfuck,it’sprettydamnclose.
IpressmylipstightlytogetherasIstareupatthestars,thefeelofherpressingintomecreatingasurprisinginnerturmoil.Ilikeher.I’lladmitit,IlikeHattieRowleywhenIknowdamnwellIshouldn’t.Ishouldn’thaveinvitedheroverthisweekend.Ishouldn’thaveofferedhermysweatshirtjustnow,andIshouldn’tallowhertoleanintomelikethis.ButhellifI’mgoingtostopherbecauseifI’mhonest,Iwashopingsomethinglikethiswouldhappen.
IwashopingIcouldgrowclosertoher.IwashopingIcouldexperiencesomethingmorewithher.Likewhenwemadecookies,Ifeltsomethingnew…somethingexciting.
Shesparkedsomelightintomylife.
ButlikeAbelsaid…she’sofflimits.
Sofuckingofflimitsthatwhatwe’redoingrightnowshouldbestopped,butwhenherheaddropsagainstmyshoulder,forthelifeofme,Ican’taskhertomove.
Iwanthertomoveincloser.
Iwanthertostayhere,staringintothefirewithmeuntiltheearlymorningstartstorise.
“Thestarsarebeautifuloutherewiththemountainsasadarkbackdropunderneaththem,”shesaysquietly.“Livinginacityforsolong,youforgettoappreciatethelittlethingslikethestars.”
“Butthestarsaretheonethingthatkeepsuslockedintohome,”Isay.
“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasks.
“Nomatterwhereyouareintheworld,youcanalwaysdependonthestarstokeepyougrounded,toremindyouthatyoumightbeawayfromhome,butyou’restillconnectedundertheumbrellaofthesky.”
Shesinksdeeperintomeasshesays,“Didyoulookupatthestarswhileontour?”
“Notatfirst,”Ianswersoftly.“Iwastooconcernedwithleaving.ButeventhoughIhavealove-haterelationshipwiththistown,thereweretimesIfelt…lostwhileontour.Thestarsgroundedme,gavemepeace.I’dasktobedrivenouttothecountry,andI’dhoistmyselfontotheroofofthecarandstareupatthesky.Someofmymostpeacefulmomentswerespentthere.”
“CassidyandIusedtocountthestarstogether.We’dspendmanynightsduringthesummeroutonablanketinthemiddleofthepotatoesbeforeshehadMac,countingandnamingthem.Ihaven’tlookedupatthemsinceshepassed.”
“Naming?”
Shenodsagainstme.“We’dgroupthemtogetherandnamethemafterthingslike…oldrockbands,orvegetables,orTVstars.TherewasonetimewebothnamedthesamestarJimParsonsandendeduplaughingforfiveminutesstraightwithtearsstreamingdownourcheeks.”
Idon’tknowwhattosayorhowtorespondthatwouldn’tmakeitseemhollowcomparedtowhatshejustshared.Ialwaysstriveforlessismore,soImovemyarmthat’sbracedoverthebackofthebenchtoacrosshershouldersandtugherincloser.
Shegentlyapproveswithasigh.
Afterwhatseemsliketenminutes,shequicklyasks,“WhatdidyoudotoRyland?”
“Ithinkthat’ssomethingyoushouldtalktoyourbrotherabout,”Ianswer.“Becausethere’shistruth,andthenthere’smine.”
“Well,letmehearyourtruth,”shesays.
“Idon’twantittoskewyourbrother’struth.Youdeservetohearitfromhimandbeonhissideofthestory,notmine.”
“Whydon’tyouletmebethejudgeofthat?”
Isigh.“Hattie,ifItellyoumysidefirst,you’remorelikelytofavormystoryoveryourbrother’s,andeventhoughthingsarestrainedbetweenhimandme,I’mnotabouttotaketheloyaltyofhissister.Soifyouwanttoknow,askRyland.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Justyourresponsetothatmakesmewanttobelieveyoumore.”
“Don’t,”Isay.“Itwon’tbegoodforyou.”
Sheturnsherheadeversoslightly,hereyesmatchingupwithmine,thelightofthefirebouncingoffhercheek.Quietly,shesays,“Maybeitwillbe.”
Jesus.
Thosefuckingeyesofhers.Soulful,butalsosofuckingnaiveatthesametime.
Long,endlesslashesframethepalestonesthatareheririses.
Andthey’restarving.
Starvingforattention.
“Youpaintyourselfinalightthat’sunflattering,”shesays,liftingherhandtofeelthescruffonmyjaw.Herthumbslowlyworksoverit,andfuck,myheartbeatsfasterthanI’vefeltinaverylongtime.“Maybeyoushouldn’tanymore,becauseI’mnotseeingthemanyoutrytobe.Iseesomeonedifferent.”
Herthumbdragsclosetomylip,thetemptationtosuckitintomymouthissofuckingstrong.
“You’reseeingalie.”Mybreathfeelsheavyinmychestassheleansinaninchcloser.
Fuck,don’tkissme,Hattie.
Pleasedon’tfuckingkissme.
Iwon’tbeabletostopyou.
Iwon’tbeabletostopmyself.
Shemovesinanotherinch,hereyesmatchingminesowe’reatthesamelevel.
“Ithinkyou’retellingmealie,andI’mseeingthetruth.”
Hertonguepeeksout,wettingherlips.
Mybodystills.
Mymusclestense.
Myneedskyrocketsasshemovesoneinchcloser.
Motherfucker,Iwantthis.
Iwantthoselips.
Iwantthisgirl.
Iwanteverygoddamnthingabouther
Withnothingbutawhisperofabreathbetweenus,herthumbdragsacrossmyjaw.“Maybeyou’llstoplyingtome…toyourself.”
Andthenshepullsback,takingtheairstraightfrommylungswithher.
Standing,shetakesoffmysweatshirt,butIstopherwhilemypulserocketsthroughmybody.MyvoicesoundsgarbledasIsay,“Keepit.”
“Keepyoursweatshirt?”
“Yeah.”IswallowhardasIstandaswell.
Shegathersthefabricatthecollarandgentlybringsittohernosebeforesniffing.Whenhereyesopen,theydreamilylookupatme.“Iwashopingyou’dsaythat.”
Fuck…
“Yeah,yousmellsogood,Hayes.”
Iwetmylipsaswell,staringdownather,unsureofwhattofuckingsay.Thisisbad.Thisisreallyfuckingbad
“Youknow,youcouldtellmethatIsmellgoodaswell.”Shetugsonthehemofmyshirt.“Thatwouldbethekindthingtodo,thoughIknowyouhatebeingkindtome.”
Noteventheslightest.
Iwanttobenicetoyou.
You’rethefirstfuckingperson,besidesmygrandmaandAbel,Iwanttobeniceto.
Shepeersupatme,waitingforaresponse,andbecauseI’mthebiggestdumbassintheworld,Ireply,“Yousmellreallyfuckinggood,Hattie.”
Withasatisfiedsmile,sheloopsherfingerthroughoneofmybeltloopsandtugsmeaninchcloser.“WhatdoIsmelllike?”
Icanfeeltheheatofherbodyupagainstmineandcanpracticallytasteherheartbeat.
“Areyoutryingtogetusintrouble?”
“Maybe,”shesays,notlookingshyatall,moreravenousthananything.
I’mtemptedtoliftmyhandtohercheek,todeepenthismomentintosomethingmore,butAbel’swordspumpthroughme,hiswarningtostayaway.SoIkeepmyhandstomyselfasIsay,“Yousmelllikeelectricsunshine.”
“Electricsunshine?”sheasks.“Whatexactlydoesthatsmelllike?”
Ishift,mybodyprecariouslygrowingcloser.“Radiancewithazing,likesoftsummermeadowszappedbylightning.Likeasweetcombinationoffireandrain.Softandedgy.Brightanddarkallinone.”
Shestaresupatme,astudyinglookinhereyes.
Whenshedoesn’tsayanything,Iask,“What?”
“Howmanywomenhaveyousaidthatto?”
“Youwanttoknow?”Iask.
“Yes.”Shenods.“Ido.”
Ibringmyfingerunderherchin,tiltitupandsay,“None.Thatwasforyouandyoualone.”
Fuckingleave…now.
Ifyoudon’t,youwillkissher.
Don’tfuckingkissher.
Jawclenched,Istepaway,andsheletsgoofmybeltloopasImovetowardthebackentranceofthehouse.Iopentheheavyslidingglassdoorforher,andshetakesthehint—thenightisoverforus.
WhenIshutthedoor,sheturnstowardme,drowninginmysweatshirt,lookingsogoddamnbeautifulitactuallyhurts.“Walkmetomyroom?”
“Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidea?”
“Whywouldn’titbe?”sheasksinnocently,butthereisnothinginnocentinhereyes.
“Youknowexactlywhy,”IanswerasIstepbackandthennodtowardthehallwayleadingtoherroom.“Goon,Hattie,gotoyourroom.”
Shedoesn’trespond,notrightaway.She’salmosttothehallwaywhensheturnsaroundandsays,“You’renotthedickIthoughtyouwere,Hayes.Andthatshouldbeterrifyingforusboth.”
Thensheleaves,vanishingintothedarknessofthehallway.Herwordsbeatrapidlythroughme.
Becauseshe’sright.
IfHattiedoesn’tthinkI’mthemanshethoughtIwas,yeah,that’sterrifyingforusboth.
***
“Areyougoingtogetahaircutsoon?”GrandmaasksasIwalkintoherapartment.
“Goodtoseeyoutoo,Gran,”Isay.IsetdownaplateofthecherryalmondcookiesIcan’tstopconsumingandofferGranakissonthecheek.HattieandMaggiehelpedmemakemorecookiesthismorningbeforetheywentofftohaveapooldayinmybackyard.Iknewtheminutetheyheadedtotheirroomstochangeintotheirbathingsuits,Ineededtoleave.NofuckingwaywasIabouttositaroundandcatchHattieprancingaroundinabikini.
No,thatwoulddestroythecrumblingresolveI’vetriedtodesperatelyholdontowhereHattieisconcerned.
Avisittomygrandma’sisexactlywhatIneed.
They’realwayssobering.
“Well,areyou?”sheasks.
“Gran,Igotoneafewweeksago.”
“Thatcan’tbethetruth.Youlooklikeyouhaveamoponyourhead.”
ItossaroundmythickhaironthetopthatIkeeplongerthanthesides.“ThisishowIwearit.”
“Stopjokingwithme.Itlookslikethere’sadeadraccoononyourhead.”
See…sobering.
“Whathaveyoubeenupto,Gran?Besidescountingthemillimetersofhairgrowthonmyhead?”It’shealthytochangethesubjectwithher.Itkeepstheconversationfresh,orshe’lldragdownthesametopicuntilit’sdeadandburied.
“Beingsmartwithme,Isee,”shesaysassheadjustsherselfinherchairtopullbackherwindowcurtainwithhercane.Sheusestheendandpointsdowntothehouseinfrontofhers.“Seethosechildrendownthereplaying?TheMacabees?Theykeepthrowingrocksatthefirehydrant.Ihopeoneofthemknocksoffthescrew,andtheygetpoppedinthefacewithablastofwater.”
DidImentionshe’sanoldcrotch?
Becausesheis.
Thebiggestofthemall.
“ImentionedtheirdisrespecttothePeachSociety,andtheysaidthey’dhaveaconversationwiththeparents.ButIdon’tthinkit’shappenedyetbecauseIstillseethemthrowingrocks.Isthatwhattheworldhascometo?Throwingrocksatinnocentfirehydrants?”
“It’salmostasifthey’reforcedtoplayoutsideratherthanbeontheirelectronics,”Isay.
“Exactly!Wehavescreensforareason.Sticktheminfrontofone.”
Ichuckleandshakemyhead.“Somepeoplemightsaythatmorekidsneedtobeoutside.”
“Nonsense.Screenskeepthemoutoftrouble.”
“Whateveryousay,Gran.”
“Whenareyougoingtogivemegreat-grandchildren?”
OhJesus,herewegoagain.Isweargreat-grandchildrenandherimpendingdeathareherfavoritethingstodiscuss.Idon’tthinksheseestheironyofthetwothings.Ifshedies,therewillstillbenogreat-grandchildren.
“Notforawhileunlessyouwantmehavingchildrenoutofwedlock.”
“Idon’tcarehowyouhavethem.ImpregnateagiraffeforallIcare.Ijustwantgreat-grandchildren.I’mnotgettinganyyounger,youknow.Ibrokemyhip.Doyouknowwhatthatmeans?I’mdyinginsixmonths.”
Wow,shecombinedthemtoday.I’mimpressed.
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Ifyou’redyinginsixmonths,howcouldIpossiblygiveyougreat-grandchildrenifittakesatleastninemonthstomakeone?”
“Idon’tknow.Youhaveyourding-a-lingthat’sbeenaroundtheblock.Anyaccidentshappen?”
JesusChrist,didtheygiveheranuppertoday?
“Noaccidents,Gran.Ialwayswrapup.”
Shehuffsherdisappointment.“Well,that’supsetting.I’mgoingtodiewithoutgreat-grandchildren.”
“Whosaysyou’redyinginsixmonths?”Iask.“Abeldidn’tsayanythingaboutthat.Hesaidyou’vemadearemarkableturnaroundsinceIwascalledtocomebackhome,makingmewonderifyoumadeitseemworsethanitis.”
Hermouthfallsopen,andsheclutchesherchestinsurprise.“DoyouthinkI’ddosuchathing?”
“Yes,”Isay.“Yes,Ido.Iwouldn’tputitpastyou.”
“Well,you’rewrong.I’mdyinginsixmonths,andwhenthathappens,I’llwatchyoueatyourwords.”
“Howwillyoubeabletowatchifyou’redead?”Iaskher.
Hereyesnarrow,andshepointshercaneatme.“Don’tgetsmartwithme,boy.Iwillhauntyousohard,you’llfearclosingyoureyesatnight.”
Itrulybelieveher.Thiswomancanprettymuchwillanythingintofruitionwithanevilsneerandacallouttotheuniverse,evenherdeathinsixmonths.
Iholdmyhandsupandsay,“Okay,soyou’redyinginsixmonths.Whatshouldwedotomakesureyouhavethebestsixmonthsofyourlife?”
“Forone…getyoumarried.”Shebringsbothhandstothetopofhercaneandsays,“Anyprospects?”
Immediately,Hattiecomestomind,whichfuck,that’sannoying.She’sneverevenbeenonmyradar.Nowshe’sthefirstfuckingpersonIthinkof?Jesus…no,thinkofsomeoneelse.
Anyone.
Maybethatbig-boobgirlwhoneversuckedyourdick.Whatwashernameagain?
Hattie…
No.
NotHattie.
Carla?
Annise?
No…
Hattie.
MyinnerturmoilgetsthebestofmebecausebeforeIcanthinkofsomerandomgirl’sname,Granstaresmedown,thematurityinhereyeslikeapointedfinger,demandingmetotellthetruth
“You’reabouttolietome.Donotlietome.YouknowIhavemywayoffindingthingsout,soyoumightaswelltellthetruth.”
Ileanbackinmychairandsigh.“Gran,therearen’tanywomeninmylife.”
“HayesRichardFarrow,Iknowthatlookinyoureyes.Thereissomeone.Nowtellme.”
Dammit.Itugonmyhairthatapparentlyneedstobecut.“Gran,Ican’ttellyoubecauseit’sreallynotanything,andifitbecomessomething,it’llbebad.”
“Isshemarried?”
“What?”Iask.“No.I’dneverdothat.”
“Good.”Grannodsherhead.“AtleastItaughtyousomething.”
“Youtaughtmeawholelotmorethanjustthat,”Ireply.
Herexpressioneases,andsheshiftsinherseat,puffingherchest.“Lookatyouflatteringme,evenonmydeathbed.”
“You’renotonyourdeathbed,Gran.”
“Ibrokemyhip.ThatmeansI’mabouttodie.Ithappenstoalltheoldpeople,soifyouwouldpleasetellmewhothispersonissoIcandieinpeace,I’dappreciateit.”
Christ.
Iscratchthesideofmyjaw.“It’scomplicated.Idon’tknowhowIfeelabouther,okay?Sodon’tgetallweirdonme,andIswear,Gran,ifyousayanything,Imightnotcomevisityouonyourdeathbed.”
Shepokesmewithhercanerightinthequad,andfuck,ithurts.
“Ouch,”Isay,rubbingthespot.
“Don’tyoudarethreatenmeaboutmydeathbed.”
“YouknowwhatImean.Ineedthistostaybetweenus.”
“Why?”
“Becauseit’shighlysensitive,andyouknowthistown.Theminutesomeonesaysanything,itspreadslikewildfire,especiallywiththePeachSociety.”
“Ithinkyou’reoverthinkingit,butsure,thiswillstaybetweenus.Icankeepasecretlikethebestofthem.RememberwhenyoupukedrightbeforeyouwentoutonstageforthefirsttimetoperformatFiveSixSevenEight?Ididn’ttellanyone,didI?”
“Youdidn’t.Youjustkickedthepukeunderthecurtainandtoldnoone,onlyforEtheltofinditlaterandscreambloodymurder.”
“Servedherright.ShedeliberatelyworepinkthatdaybecausesheknewIwaswearingpinkandthenflirtedwithRodneyrightinfrontofme.Toobadforher,hedidn’tfindherflamboyancytheleastbitattractive.Nooneconstantlywantsboafeathersflyingintheirface.Nottomention,heknewshewasonlyinterestedinwomenandwasusinghimasatool.”
“Ithinkwemighthavegottenslightlyofftopic,”Isay.
“Idon’tlikethatwoman.”Grancrossesherarmsoverherchestandstaresoutthewindow.“Shehasperfectlyworkinghips,andIbetshe’sgoingtothrowthatinmyface.That’swhathappenswhenyou’relooseinthehips,alwaysspreadingyourlegs—”
“Okay,Gran,”Isayuncomfortably.
“Youhaveloosehipswhenyou’reolder.”Okay,Iguesswe’renotdonehere.“ButIwasacelibateangelformanyyears.SomanyyearsthatIsneezedonce,andadustballflewintomyunderwear.”FuckingChrist.“Anddoyouknowhowhumblingthatis,Hayes?Tofindadustballinyourunderwear?”
Lipspulledtight,Islowlynodandsqueak,“Quitehumbling.”
“Exactly.AndwhatdoIgetforbeingaborn-againVirginMary?Abrokenhipthat’sgoingtokillmeinsixmonths.Andthere’sEthel,kick-ball-changingdowntheboardwalkwithherloose,whorehips.”Shewavesherfisttowardthewindowoutofpureagony.“Lifeisnotfair.”
AndIthinkwemightbedonewiththeconversationaboutme,thankfully.I’lltakeherdustballtalkoverdiscussingHattieanyday.BecauseIstilldon’tknowwhat’sgoingonwiththat,howIfeel,andwhatthehellI’mdoing,sotellingGranwouldhonestlynotmakeanysense.
“Anddoyouknowwhatelsebothersmeaboutthatwomanbesidesherwhorehips?”Grancontinues.
Thiswillbeonehellofarant,soImightaswellgetcomfortable.Isnagacookiefromtheplate,leanbackinmychair,andsay,“Whatelsedoyounotlike,Gran?”
***
Christ,I’mwornout.
BetweenGranhatingonEtheltohercomplainingabouttheboardwalkplanksandhowthey’renotwalkerfriendly—somethingIagreedto—andtheagonyofhearingwhatsongsshewantsmetosingatherfuneralwhenshediesinsixmonths—DreamALittleDreamOfMe—I’mexhausted.
ItookmycarbecauseIknewHattiewasn’tgoinganywhere,soIparkeditinfrontofthedrivewayandheadedintothehousethroughthefrontdoor.Itossmywalletontheentrywaytable,andjustasIlookuptoheadtothekitchen,Istop.Hattie’swalkingintothehousethroughtheslidingglassdoor,wearingatinyyellowbikini.
She’sfineasfuck.
Smalltrianglescoverhersmalltits,andthinstrapsofherbottomsarchoverherslimhips.Thefabric’ssothinthatI’mnotsurehowitstaysinplace.Hertonedbodyisbasicallyonfulldisplay.Thewordwantrushesthroughmymind.
Whensheglancesupandseesme,alargesmilespreadsacrossherfaceasshesays,“I’mdrunk.”Andshethrowsherarmsupasifwe’resupposedtocelebratethisaccomplishment.“I’mso,sodrunk.”Shegigglesandmovestothekitchen.“Wanttogetdrunkwithus?”
Yes.
AndIwanttotugthatbikinioffwithmyteeth.
“Uh…probablynotagoodidea,”Isayassheturnsawayfromme,showingoffthethongofherbathingsuit.
Iinwardlygroanasmyeyesfalltoherpertlittleass,cheekssmooth,thefainteststretchmarksalongtheside.Thegirlisall-natural,justwhatIfuckinglike.AndI’mnotsurprisedshehasthembecausecomparedtoherbody’sstructure,shehasajuicyass,somethingIcansinkmyfingersintoandgriptightlywhilepoundingintoher.
“Areyoustaringatmybutt?”
“Huh?”Iask,snappingmyeyesuptoseeHattiehasturnedaroundnowwithapitcherofpinkliquid.
“Youwerestaringatmyass.HayesFarrow,howdareyou?”
Igripthebackofmyneck.“Whatdidyouexpectmetodowhenyouwalkedinherewearingthat?”Iask.
“Beamatureadult.”
“I’mmatureandanadult,butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotgoingtolookatasexyasswhenIseeone.”
“Sexy,huh?”sheasksasshespinsaroundandjigglesherbuttinmydirection.“Youlikethis?”
Ismileandnod.“Yeah,Ifuckingdo.”
Sheturnsbackaroundandclutchesthepitchertoherchest.Withasmileonherface,shesays,“Pervert.”Andthentakesofftowardthebackyard.“Youshouldjoinus.Itmightbefuntohaveamantostareat.IlikeMaggie,butherboobsarejustobnoxious.I’mgettingjealous.”
“Yeah,likeIsaid,I’mgoingtopass,”Isay.
“Shame,youcouldhaveagoodtimewithus.”
“I’msure,butIshouldworkonsomemusic,”Ilie.“Havefun.”Withoutanotherlook,Itakeofftowardmystudio,andwhenIstepinside,Ishutandlockthedoorbehindmebeforefloppingonmycouchanddraggingmyhandsovermyface.Christ,thesightofherassinthatthongwillstickwithmeforaverylongfuckingtime.
Toolong.
Ireachformyguitarbutthenstopmyself.Instead,Ireachformynotebookasathoughtpopsintomymind.Thecolorofherbathingsuitmatchesthewayshesmellsandthejoysheseemstobringintotheroom.Electricsunshine.
Ican’tdescribeitanyotherway.
Andthat’swhatIwritedowninmynotebook.
Electricsunshine,fromthere…IdescribeexactlywhatthatisandhowHattieembodieseverythingaboutit.
***
Bottleoftequilainhand,IleanbackonmycouchandletoutadeepbreathasIdrunkenlystareupattheceiling.Thefeelingofeuphoriascreamsthroughme.
Ididit.
Iwroteasong.
Afuckinggoodone.
Itwasasifsomethingofgreaterpowerhadtakenoverme,andthewordsflowedwiththeimageofHattieinmymind.
Mypenflewacrossmynotebook.
Mymindwasrabidwithdescriptions,withtheneedtotasteherthroughmywords.
Thedesperation.
Theforbiddentemptation.
Thepowerfulyearning.
Itdrainedoutofme,leavingmespentanddrunk.
AndJesusChrist,it’ssogood.ProbablyoneofthebestsongsI’veeverwritten.
Theonlyproblemis…sinceeverylastwordisaboutHattie,Ican’tshareitwiththeworld.
Why?Becauseshe’dknow.She’dknowitwasaboutherwhensheheardthelyrics.It’swhyIcan’tgiveittothestudio.
It’swhyI’mcurrentlydrinking.
Andit’swhyI’mstaringatRuben’stext,feelingagitated.
Ruben:Justcheckingin.
Yeah,that’sallhe’sdoing,checkingin.AndIknowit’shisjob,butJesusfuckingChrist,Ican’tjustperformwhenhesaysperform.
Itipmybottlebackinmymouth,takeagiantswig,thenwipemymouthwiththebackofmyhandandtexthimback
Hayes:You’reannoyingtheshitoutofme.Fuckoff,Ruben.
There.Thatshoulddoit.Isetmyphonetothesideandclutchmybottleclosetomychestjustasmyphoneringsnexttome.
Ofcourse,thefuckercalls.Ishouldn’thaveexpectedanythingless.
Iliftthephone,answerit,thenpressittomyear.
“What?”Isay.
“Wanttotalkaboutit?”hesays,knowingmealltoofuckingwell.
“No,”Ianswer.
“Hayes,comeon…what’sgoingon?”
Rubenisthetypeofguywhopresses,whowon’tletyougetawaywithnotspeakingyourfeelings—hencethephonecall.Normally,I’dtellhimeverythingisfine,buteverythingdoesn’tfeelfine.
Everythingfeelsoutofcontrol.
Uncomfortable.
Agonizing.
AndIneedtogetitoffmychest.
“What’sgoingon?”Iask.“Well,besidesthefactthatIthinkIlikeagirlwhoIshouldn’tlike,andfuckisshebeautiful,andsweet,andherfreckles,fuck,Ruben,herfreckles.She’s…she’scharming,andshelistens,andshemakesmefeellessalone,andIdon’tlikethatbecauseIshouldn’tlikeher,Ishouldn’twanttotalktoher,tobenearher,buthelldoIwanttobenearher,allthegoddamntime.Iwanttogotalktoherrightnow,andshesmells…shesmellssodamngood,andthesongIwrote,yeah,that’sabouther,butthereisnowayinfuckIcanhandoverthesongtoyoudespiteitbeingreallyfuckinggoodbecauseifshefoundoutIlikedhertheneverythingwouldberuined,ruinedforherandIcan’truinher,she’ssomuchsunshineandpromises,andIcan’truinthat…so,yeah,despitethat,everythingisjustfuckinggreat.”
“Okay,”Rubensayscalmly.“That’salottoprocess.LetmeseeifI’vegotthisright.Youlikeagirl.Youshouldn’tlikethisgirl.Butyouwroteasongabouther.Butyoucan’tturnitin.”Wow,he’sgood.“Whycan’tyouhandoverthesong?”
“Becauseshe’llknowit’sabouther.Immediately.She’llknow,andshecan’tknow.”Ishakemyhead.“Shecan’tknowthatIlikeher.Noonecanknow.”
“That’sfair,”Rubensays.“CanIask,whycan’tanyoneknow?”
“It’sRyland’slittlesister,”Isay,draggingmyhandovermyface.
“Ryland,theguywhohatesyou?”
“Yeah.”
“Ithoughthissisterpassed.”
“Hehasthreesisters.Hattieistheyoungest.Fuckingtwelveyearsyoungerthanme,Ruben.Twelveyears.Like…fuck,I’mapervertforevenlookingather.”
“No,you’renot.”Rubenpauses.“Wait,isthisthegirlwho’sworkingforyou?”
“Yup,”Isay,poppingthePinyup.“Thesamegirl.Atfirst,itwaseasyjusttoignoreher,butshegotundermyskin.Ithinkaboutheralot.Icatchmyselfstaring,wantingtotalktohermore.IthoughtmaybeitwasbecauseI’mlonely.Thisjobissofuckinglonely,Ruben.Everyonewantssomethingfromyoubesidesfriendship,youknow?Andshe…shejuststuckaround.Talkedtome.Jokedaround,despiteuspretendingtohateeachother,andIsawherinafuckingbikiniwhenIgothome,oneofthosethongones,youknowwhatI’mtalkingabout?”
“Yes,Ido,”Rubensays.“Hardtolookaway.”
“Exactly!”Inearlyshout.“AndIcouldn’tlookaway.Ijustkeptstaring,andIlostit.Ilostallwill.Ikeptlooking,andlastnight,fuckinghell,lastnight.”
“DareIaskwhathappenedlastnight?”
“Shebombardedmeoutsidebywearingmysweatshirtandcuddlingintomyside,andwewatchedthestarrynightsky,andthat’swhenIrealizedhowmuchshesmelledlikeelectricsunshine,andIjustlikeher,Ruben,Ifuckinglikeher,butIcan’t.Abelwillkillme.Rylandwillkillme.I’ddestroyher.She’ssoinnocentandperfect.I’mnottheguyforher,soIcameintomystudioandstartedwriting.Themorethewordsflowed,themoreIdrank,andnow,I’mhalfwaydonewithabottleanddonewithasongatthesametime.Andit’sallabouther,howshesmells,howI’mdesperateforonetasteofhercherrylips,howI’daskforonenighttoexploreherand…andshewouldknowit’sabouther.”
“Whichisbad.”
“Yes,verybad,”Isay.“Sobad.”
“Okay,well…thisisgood.”
Mynosecurlsfromhisresponse.“Whatdoyoumeanthisisgood?”Iask.“Howisanyofthisgood?”
“You’vetoldmethatyouwriteyourbestwhenyou’retortured,anditseemsyou’recurrentlytortured.”
“ButIcan’tturnthissongin.”
“Thendon’t.Butatleastitgotyouwriting.Thisisjustthestart.Itmightnotfeelgood,butthisisagoodthing,Hayes.”
Ipause.“Iwanttopunchyou.”
“Iknow.”Hechuckles.“Hanginthere.Thisiswherethegoodcomes.”
“Well,whatthehelldoIdoaboutthegirl?”
“That’suptoyou.Ican’ttellyouwhattodowithyourlife,butifyou’rethistorturedoverit,youneedtoseewhichwillbeworse—notbeingwithherorbeingwithherandfacingtheconsequencesofthatdecision.”
“Not…helpful,”IsayasIstandfromthecouch,bottleinonehand,phoneintheother.
“I’msorry,butthisisadecisionyou’llhavetomakeonyourown.”
“That’swhatIthought,”Isay.“Ineedtoeatsomething.”
“Okay,callmewhenyou’resober.”
“Doubtful,”IsayasIhangupandtossmyphoneontothecouch.
IopenmystudiodoorandbringmybottleasImakemywaytothekitchen,thehousesoundingprettyquiet.ThankGodtheywenttobed.I’mnotsureIcouldtakeonemorelookatHattieinagoddamnbikini.
IturnthecornertothekitchenandstopwhenIseeher,leaningagainstthecounter,acookieinhand,wearingmygoddamnsweatshirt.
Fuck.
Whensheseesme,shesays,“I’meatingacookie.”
Iliftmybottletomylipsandsay,“I’mdrunk.”
Asmirkpassesoverherlips.“Gettingdrunkallalone?Whydidn’tyoujoinus?”
“BecauseIdidn’twantto,”IsayasImoveintothekitchenandsetmybottleonthecounter.Myeyesfalltoherbarelegs,thenslowlyclimbtohereyes.“You’reeatingmycookies.”
“Wemadethemtogether,soourcookies.”
“Myhouse,myrules,”IsayasItakethecookiefromherandshovetherestofitinmymouth,causinghereyestowiden.
“Hey,Iwaseatingthat.”
“Andnowit’sinmystomach.Yourloss,mygain.”Iwalkovertothefridgeandopenitup,lookingforanythingbutpicklestoeat,butofcourseIcomeupshort,soIshutthefridgeandleanagainstitasIwatchHattiepickupmybottleoftequilaandbringittoherlips.Shetakesaswigandsmirksatme.“That’smine.”
“Andnowit’sinmystomach.Yourloss…mygain.”
Iclosethedistancebetweenusandtakethebottlefromher,onlytostepaway,myeyesremainingonherstheentiretime.“Youshouldgobacktobed.”
“Why’sthat?”sheasks.
“It’snotsafeforyououthere.”
“MaybeIdon’twantsafe.”
“Youdo,”IsayasItakeanotherswigoftequila,mybrainfeelingtoofuckingfuzzytobeclosetoher.
“OrmaybeIwanttodosomethingdangerousforonce.”
Ishakemyhead,butshemovestowardmeanddancesherfingersupmychest.“I’mtrouble,”Isay.
“Good,”sherepliesasherhandtrailsdownmystomach,butIstopher,myhandgrippingherwrist.Andthen,inaflash,Itwisthersoshe’spinnedagainstthefridge,herarmextendedaboveherheadwhereIlockitinplace.
Don’tdoit,man.
Don’tplaywithfire.
Dropherhandandleave.
You’retoodrunktoevenconsiderbeingnearher.
Butcommonsenseneverwinswhentequilaisinvolved.
“ItoldyouI’mtrouble,”IsayasIbringthebottleoftequilauptohermouth,andIslowlymovetheopeningoftheglassoverherplumplips.Shepartsthem,andItipthebottleupsotheliquidflowsintohermouth.SheswallowsthesmallamountIgiveherandlicksherlips,soakingupeverylastdrop.“Don’tyouseethat,Hattie?Don’tyouseethatI’mtrouble?”
“Ido,”sheanswers.
“Soyoushouldn’tbeoutherewithme,youshouldbeinyourroom,sleeping.”
“MaybeIcameouthereonpurpose,knowingyouwereinyourstudio.”
“Whydidn’tyoujustgotomystudio?”Iask,liftingthebottletomylips,wishingIcouldtasteherlipsontheglass,butI’mnotthatlucky.
ShewatchesmeswallowthetequilarightbeforeIsetthebottleonthecounterbesideher.Whenshestaresupatme,herhandstillclaspedbymine,shesays,“Iwastooafraid.”
“Good.Youshouldbeafraid,”IsayasIbringmyfreehandtoherthighanddragituptoherhipbone.Herbreathhitchesinherchest.Fuck,she’snotwearinganyunderwear.“Areyouwearinganythingundermysweatshirt,Hattie?”
Sheshakesherhead.“I’mnot.”
“Badmove.”AndthenIslidemyhandupherside,draggingupmysweatshirtuntilIreachherribcage.“Tellmewhatyouwant,”Isay,mybreathheavy,thefeelofhersoftskinundermycallusessogoddamnextraordinary.
“I…Idon’tknow.”
“Wronganswer,”IsayasIspinheraroundsoherchestandhandspressagainstthefridge.Igrabherelbowsandpushthemupsoherhandsextendtowardtheceiling,andthenIforcehertogripthetopofthefridge.Speakingclosetoherear,Isay,“Don’tfuckingletgoofthat.”
ShenodsasItakeastepbackandlookherover.Thebottomofherassisshowing,givingmejustenoughofaviewtomakemymouthwater,mybodyneedingmore.
Inthebackofmymind,I’mtellingmyselftowalkaway,toleavethisgirlalone,butmybodyhasotherthoughtsasIsmoothmyhandunderthesweatshirtandliftittoshowofftherestofherass.
“Spreadyourlegs,”Isay,andwhenshedoes,Islidemyhanddownoneglobetoherhamstringandthentoherinnerthigh,causinghertotipherheadforwardandmoan.“Youplannedthis,didn’tyou?Puttingonmysweatshirt,knowingitwouldmakemefeelpossessive,notwearinganythingunderitbecauseitwouldmakemefeelunhinged.Thiswasallthoughtoutsoyoucouldmanipulateyourwayintomygoddamnbed.”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’twantmeinyourbed.”
Ipushupagainsther,lettingherfeelmyerectionagainstherleg.“Youknowgoddamnwellthatwasalie.”
Shesucksinasharpbreath.“Whyareyousomad?”
“Becauseyou’reofflimits,”Isay,draggingmyhanddownherassagainandthenpullingupbetweenherlegs,gettingsoclosetowhereIwanttotouchherthatIfeeltheheatofherarousalonmyfingers.
“Ithoughtyoumaketherules.”
“Ido,andtherulesare…you’reofflimits.”
“Thenwhyareyoutouchingme?”
“Becauseyou’retemptingme,”Igrowlandmoveupbehindher,herasspressingagainstmycrotchasmyhandsfalltoherhips.
“You’resohard.”Shewigglesherbuttagainstme,turningmeonevenmore.
“Don’tdothat,”Isay,keepingherhipsstill.FortheloveofGod,don’tdothat.
“Afraidyoumightfuckme?”
“AfraidImightdestroyyou,”IgrowlasImovemyhandsbacktoherribs,feelingeverybone,everydivot.
Herlungsworkfeverishlyundermytouch,andasIslowlyslidemyfingersdirectlyunderherbreasts,Icanfeelthepauseinherlungs,thecatchofherbreath.
“God,Hayes,”shegroans,herasspushingagainstme.“T-touchmybreasts.”
“No,”Isay,eventhoughmyneedforherscreamsyes.Imovemyforeheadtothebackofherheadandslidemyindexfingersupaninch,justsoIcanfeeltheslightplumpofherbreasts.“Fuck,”Igrumbleasawarbattlesdeepinsideme.
Touchher.
Takewhatyouwant.
Don’t…don’truinher.
Ibiteonmybottomlipasmyindexfingerslowlyrunsnorthuntilithitsthepointofhernipples.
“Yessss,”shemoans,andIsnap.
Momentarily.
Iglidemyindexfingeroverthehotnub,flickingitbackandforthafewtimes,makingmesogoddamnhardthatmyerectionpressespainfullyagainstthezipperofmyjeans.
“Tellmetostop,”Iwhisper.
“No,”shesays.“No,Iwantthis.Pleasedon’tstop.”
ThedevilinsidemewondershowmuchIcouldturnheronwithouttouchingherwhereshewantstobetouched.
Howmuchwillsheallowmetofeelher,toexperienceherwithoutgivingherwhatshewants?
Onlyonewaytofindout.
Don’tdoit,atinyvoiceinmyheadsays,butIignoreitasIbringmyhandsbackdownhersides,pastherribs,toherhips.ThesexymoanofbetrayalthatfallspastherlipsonlyspursmeonasIrunmyfingertipsinward,righttoherpubicbone,whereshe’scompletelybare.
Fuck.
Me.
“Touchme,”shewhispers.“Please,I’msowet.”
“Christ,”IgroanasI’mtemptedtodipmyfingersinsideher,sotemptedthatmypinkyslipslower,passingoverherslitjustonce.Shesucksinaharshbreath,herhipsseekingrelief,butIgivehernone.
“Hayes,please.”
“No,”Isaysoftlyintoherear.“Irefusetotouchyoulikethat.”
“Don’tleavemelikethis.I’msoturnedon.Stopteasingme,”shecomplains.
“Thisisallyou’lleverget,”IsayasIbringbothmyhandstoherinnerthighsandthendragthemsodangerouslyclosetoherpussy,thatthebacksofmythumbsbarelytouchherlabia.It’sthelightesttouch,butenoughforhertogroaninfrustration.
“Please,Hayes.”
“No,”Isay,mybrainfinallykickingin,takingoverasmydickcriesoutinprotest.
“FeelhowwetIam.”
“No,”IreplyasIdragthetipsofmyfingerstoherbreasts,allowingmyindexfingerstopassoverhernipplesonelasttime.
Oneflick.
Onemore.
Fuck…onemore.
“God,”shecriesoutinfrustrationassheturnsaroundandfacesme.
Hereyesarewildinthemoonlight.
Herchestheavywithdesire.
Andwhenshestaresupatme,Ifeelthisdemandingneedtocrashmymouthagainsthers.
Toclaimher.
Markher.
IslapmyhandagainstthefridgeandpropmyselfupasIgripherhip,steadyingmyself.
“Fuckme,”shesays.
Idropmyheadandshakeit.“No,Hattie.Iwon’t.”
Herresponse…shecupsmylength,takingmeintothesmallpalmofherhand.
“Mother…fucker,”Icryout,ahisspassingmylipsatthesametime.WhenIopenmyeyes,Ifindherswide,surprised.
“You’re…huge.”
“Anotherreasonyoucan’thaveme.Youwon’tbeabletohandleit.”
Iremoveherhandandthensay,“Spreadyourlegs.”
“Hayes,I’mnot—”
“Spreadthem.Now.Iwillnotsayitagain.”
Shespreadsthem.Icoverthebackofherhandwithmineandbringitbetweenherlegs.
Iwon’ttouchher,butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tuseherhandtotouchherselfandgiveherwhatIwant.
“Haveyouevertouchedyourselfbefore?”Iask.
“Only…onlywhenI’malone.”
“Howdoyoulikeit?”Iask.Thethoughtofhermasturbatingspursmyneedforher.
“Twofingers,”sheanswers.
Iwetmylipsandpresshertwofingersagainstherclit.Sheexhalessharplyasherbodyleansagainstthefridgeagain.
“Tellmewhatyourpussyfeelslike.Describeittome.”Imovehertwofingersintightcircles,rubbingagainstherclit.Herhandfallsbehindher,steadyingagainstthefridgeasshetremblesfromthetouch.
“Warm,”sheanswers.“Sofuckingwet,Hayes.Drenched.”
“Hell,”Imutter,leaningincloser.
“I’veneverbeenthisturnedon,ever.”
“It’swhyIshouldn’tbedoingthis,”Iwhisper,pickingupthespeed,knowingshe’llfalloverquicklyfromthereactionI’malreadygettingfromher.“Thisisdangerous.You’llwantmore,andIcan’tgivethattoyou.”
“Givemewhatyoucan,”shesays,herbreathingmorelabored.Ireachdownandtakeherloosehandinmine.Iclaspherhandwithmineandbringitaboveherheadwhilewemassageherclittothepointofnoreturn.
“Thisisit,”Iwhisper.“Nothingelseandneveragain.Don’taskforit.Don’tbeg.Thisisallitwilleverbe.”
“Fuck,”shesays,herbodyshaking.Ireleasemyhandfrombetweenherlegsandpropitagainstthefridge,notwantingtofeelhercomeclosetomyfingers.Iwon’tbeabletowithstandit.“Hayes,Ineedyou.”
“Makeyourselfcome,”IsayasIreleaseherotherhandandstepback.
HereyeswideninsurpriseasImoveallthewaytotheislandandplacemyhandsonthecounter,holdingmyselfinplace.
“Hayes.”
“Doit,Hattie,”Isayinsuchadark,sinfultonethatherhandpausesmomentarily.“Makeyourself…come.Now.”
Shegulps,andtomyfuckingdemise,sheslipsherotherhandunderhersweatshirt,draggingitupuntilitreachesherbreast.There,shecupsherbreast,kneadingitandflickinghernipple.Istandthereinfascination,watchingthewholetimeasshebringsherselfcloserandcloser.
Herbreathfrantic.
Herlegsshaking.
Herheadfallingbackashernecktenses…
“Fuck,”shecriesoutasherfingerswildlyflyoverherclit,herbodyshatteringbeforemeasshecomes.Onceshecatchesherbreathandhereyesmeetmine,shesays,“IfIdidn’tdothat,ifIdidn’tmakemyselfcome,wouldyouhaveleftmelikethat?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.
“Why?”
“BecauseItoldyouIwastrouble,Hattie.Youwerewarned.”MybrainsnapsoutofthehazeIwasjustin,realitysmackingmesohardinthefacethatitfeelslikeI’msufferingfromwhiplash.
Youstupidmotherfucker.
Whatthehelldidyoudo?
“Youwouldleavemeturnedon?That’sshitty,”shesays,herpost-orgasmhazedissolvingquickly.
“That’swhatIam,Hattie.Ashittyperson,Inevertriedtobeanydifferent.”
“That’ssuchbullshit,Hayes,”shereplies,steppingforward,butImovepastherandgrabmybottleoftequila.“You’renotthatman.”
Ileaninrightnexttoherfaceandsay,“AndI’vetoldyouoverandoveragain,Iamthatman.You’reofflimits,andthat’sallyou’lleverbe.Gotobed.Forgetthiseverhappened.”
Andwiththat,Iheadtowardmybedroomwithonethingonmymind,gettingmycockinmyhandandtherestofthisbottleintomystomach.
Ifuckedup.
AndnowIneedtoeraseitfrommymemory.Pathetic,Farrow,justpathetic.
***
Tequiladidmefuckingdirtylastnight.
Usually,wegetalong.Usually,wehaveagoodtime.Usually,wecaneasilyforgetthenextday.
Notthistime.
Tequiladidn’tletmeforgetonegoddamnthing.
NotthesoundofHattie’sgaspsinmyear.
Notthefeelofhertightnippleundermyfinger.
Notthewaysheshudderedunderherownhandasshecame.
Notonegoddamnthing.
Instead,tequilaimprintedeveryfuckingmomentofsquaringheroffagainstthefridgeinmymindtothepointthatIwokeupwithsuchahugeerectionthatIhadtotakeimmediatecareofitintheshower,despitemakingmyselfcomelastnightthemomentIgotbacktomyroom.
AndIstillfeeluneasy.
IstillfeellikeIcouldexplodeatanyminute.
Likethekeytothereleaseofthispain,thispent-updesirerestsinsideHattieonly.Fuck,tobeinsideherhotpussy.
It’sabrutalrealitythatforcedmeoutofmyhousesoIdidn’thavetoseeherthismorning.NotsureIcouldwithstandseeinghermorninghairandthesemi-unsatisfiedlookinhereyes.
It’swhyI’mintownrightnow,headedtoTheSweetLabforsomecoffee.Anythingtogetthiscrushingfeelingoutofme.
Isetmyhelmetonmybike,pocketmykeys,andthenheadtowardthefrontofthestore.Handsinmypockets,Iroundthecornerjustasanotherpersoncollideswithme,spillingcoffeebetweenus.
“Fuck,”hesays.“I’msorr—”
Buthisvoicediesoffaswelookupandmakeeyecontact.
RylandRowley.
Itwasboundtohappen.Thetownissmallenoughforustobumpintoeachother,butthis…thisfeelssomuchheavierthanwhenweranintoeachotherinthepast.Becausethistime,Ihavethesoundsofaturned-onHattielingeringinmybrain.
Ryland’sbrowsdrop,andhebacksaway.Luckily,neitheroneofusgotcoffeeonourclothes,justoverhishandandonthegroundbetweenus.
Unsurewhattodo,Itugonmyneckandpointathiscoffee.“Wantmetoreplacethat?”
ThemanIoncecalledmybestfriendscowlsatme.“Idon’tneedyourfuckingcharity.”
“Wasn’tofferingcharity.”
Hetransfershisto-gocupandshakeshiswethandtogetthecoffeeoff.
“Fuck,”hemutters.
“Icangrabnapkins…”
Hiseyessnapuptomine.“DoesitlooklikeIwantyourhelp?Jesus,readtheroom.”
ThatjustmakesmestuffmyhandsinmypocketsasIlethimfigureitoutonhisown.AndIdon’tknowwhatcomesoverme,maybeit’sthebitternessinme,ortheinternalburningfromnotbeingabletotakewhatIwant,orthefactthathetreatsmelikesuchshitwhenIdon’tdeserveit,butIsay,“IseeHattie’sintown.”
Thatmakeshimlockeyeswithmeagain.“Whythehellwouldyousaythat?”
“Justmakingconversation.”
Hetakesastepforward,thesmellofhiscoffeewaftingbetweenus.“Stayawayfromher.”
“WhatmakesyouthinkI’dgonearher?”Iask,standingmyground.
“Tofuckwithme,”hereplies.
“Yes,becausemymissioninlifeistofuckwithyou,Ryland.”
Hegetsinmyfacenow,nosetonose.ThismandoesnotresembletheRylandRowleyIusedtoknow.Icanhonestlysayhedoesnotlookgood.Stressed.Beyondexhausted.Hewasoncesoeasygoing.HewasoncesomeoneIknewbetterthananyoneelse.Butthisguyisbeyondangry.Atme.Atlife?“Listencarefully,Farrow.Leavemysistersandmyfamilythefuckalone.Gotit?”
“Boys,boys,boys,”EthelO’Donnell-Kerrsaysasshewalksuptous.“Now,now,Ihopewe’renotgettingintoanythingspiritedherewhilewehavevisitorsinourtownonlyawhisperaway.”
Rylandstaresintomyeyes.“No,Iwasjustleaving.”
“Good,”Ethelreplies.
“Seeyouaround,”Isaywithasmirkbecauseifanything,IthrivefortroublewhenIfeeloutofsorts.Hestartstomovepastme,andIleanintohim,bumpinghisshoulderwithmine.Heshiftsbackwardjustslightly,buthiseyesremainonmine.
“Stay.Away,”herepeatsandthentakesoff.
“Well,whatatensereunion,”Ethelsays.
Tenseisanicewayofputtingit.
Honestly,ifIhaditmyway,IwouldhavelovedtofeelRyland’sfistthismorning.Craveditactually.
There’snothingbetterthanphysicalpaintakingawaythementalpain.ThephysicalpainIcandrawon—Icanliveoffit—butthementalanguishI’mgoingthroughrightnow…italmostmakesittoohardtobreathe.
Butifthere’sonethingIlearnedfromthisinteractionisthatnothinghaschangedbetweenmeandRyland.BackingthehellawayfromHattie…itwasasmartmove.
Becausehewouldn’tforgiveher.AndIdon’twantthatonmyfuckingconsciencetoo.ChapterEleven
HATTIE
“Howdoyoufeel?”MaggieasksasIdriveusbacktomystudioapartment,sadbecauseIhavetoleavemybestfriendafterourfunweekend.AweekendwhenIdidn’thavetoworryaboutschool,myfamily,orthelossofCassidy.Aweekendwhenweforgot,wherewepushedtherealworldaway,andnowthatwe’vepoppedourbubbleofjoy,alltheproblemsinmylifearerestingonmyshouldersagain.
Theweightofmylies.
Theweightofmygrief.
Theweightoflastnight…
FrustrationweighssoheavilyonmethatIactuallyfeelsicktomystomach.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking,butthecopiousamountsofalcoholwenttomyhead,andInearlythrewmyselfatHayes—onlyforhimtobasicallypatmeontheassandsendmebacktomyroom.Itwashumiliatingandfrustratingatthesametime.AllIcouldthinkaboutwashowitfelttohavehimtouchme.ItwassomaddeningthatIhadtofinishmyselfoff.
Andthismorning,whenhewasplayinghisguitaroutonhisdeck,Iskulkedoutofhishouse,tryingtoputonahappyfaceforMaggiedespitethiswarofembarrassmentspinningthroughme.
Howcouldherevmeuplikethat,getmesohot,andthenjust…walkawayasifIhavezeroimpactonhimanddon’tmatter?I’mnotenticingenoughforhimtoevenfinishthejob?
Itmakesmefeelundesirable,cheap,andliketheagedifferencebetweenusisadecidingfactor…likeI’mnaiveandfartooinexperiencedforhimtograntmethetimeofday.
HumiliationiswhatIfeel.Butthat’snotwhatIsaytoMaggietoanswerhowIfeel.
“Okay,”Isay.
“You’requiet,”Maggiepointsout.“Whichmeansyou’rethinking.Youshouldn’tbethinking.”
“Hardnotto,”IanswerasIturndownAlmondAveandheadstraighttowardTheAlmondStore.“Itwasfunwhileitlasted,Maggie,butnowIhavetoreturntotheregularworld.”
“Icanunderstandthat,”shesays.“Butrememberwhatwetalkedabout?RylandandAubreearegoingthroughalotofchanges.Givethemamoment.”
AndshethinksI’mtalkingaboutmybrotherandsisterwhen,inreality,theperplexingconfusionIfeelnowisallbecauseofHayes.
Howhetreatedmewithcarelastnightbutyet,setimpossibleboundaries…animpenetrablebarrier.
TheriftbetweenhimandRyland.Itbothershim.
Despitehimnotreciprocatinglastnight,hisrestrainthasmademelikehimthatmuchmore.Hecares.
Fuck,Ireallydofeelsick.
Nottomentiontheimportanceofthisweek…
ToosicktoeventalkaboutHayes,Isay,“Cassidy’sbirthdayisthisweek.It’llbeherfirstbirthdaysinceherdeath.IthinkRylandandAubreearedoingsomething,butIhaven’theardfromthem.”
“Areyougoingtoaskthem?”
“DoyouthinkIshould?”Iask,keepingthesubjectonthemandnotonHayes.That’swhyMaggiecamehereinthefirstplace.
“Yes,”shesays.“They’restillyourbrotherandsister.Justbecausethingsareawkwarddoesn’tmeanyoushouldpullaway.Ifanything,youneedtokeeppushingtobeclosetothem.Maybeoffertomakedinneronenightthisweek.OrtowatchMac.I’msureRylandcoulduseabreak.IknowAubreedoesn’twanthelpwiththeshop,buttherehastobesomethingyoucandotosupporther.Maybecleanherhouseordoherlaundry.Youhavesparetimewhenyou’renotatHayes’splace,sowhynotfindoutwhatlittlethingsyoucanhelpwith?”
“Yeah,IguessIcandothat.WatchingMacwouldbeagoodoneforRyland.AndAubree,IthinkImighthavetoworkonher,buttherehastobesomething.”ItmightalsohelpmegetmymindoffeverythingwithHayes.Distraction.Ineeddistractions.
“Exactly.Justkeeptrying.Maybethey’llstoppushingyouawaywhentheyseehowyoucanhelp.”
“Smart,”Isay.“Okay,I’lltextthemandseewhatIcando.”
“Perfect.”WepullintothebackparkinglotofTheAlmondStore.WhenIputthecarinpark,Maggieturnstowardmeandhugsme.“AndnowaboutHayes…”
Crap,andhereIthoughtIwasgoingtoavoidthat.
Iwonderedthismorningifsheheardus,ifsheheardmemoanforhim,butsheneversaidanything.Shejustwentabouthermorningasifnothinghappened.
“Whatabouthim?”Iask,tryingtoplayitcool.
“Don’tgetinvolvedunlessyoucanhandletheramifications.”
“Whatdoyoumean?Youwereencouragingmetogetinvolvedwithhimthisweekend.”
“Andthatwasadvicebuiltupondreamylust.Youshouldknowthataboutme.Nowthatwe’reoutofhishouseandwedon’thavethathazeoverus—getit…haze.”Shewigglesherbrows.
“Yes.”Irollmyeyes.
“Icanthoroughlysayifyouwanthim,don’tdenyyourself,butyouhavetoknowhemighthurtyouifyougoforit.”Healreadyhas.“Iwanttogivehimthebenefitofthedoubt,buthisreputationdoesn’tspeakwellforhim.You’realreadystruggling.Don’tlethimcomeintoyourlifeandbreakyou.Andnottomention,ifAubreeandRylandfoundout,itcouldquitepossiblybreakanythreadyoumightstillhaveattachedtothem.Ifyou’rewillingtoriskthat,thentakewhatyouwant.”
IglanceoutthewindowbecauseItriedtakingwhatIwantedanddidashitjobatit.Heplayedaroundwithme,butintheend,hebackedaway.ProbablybecauseIwasnervous,probablybecauseIseemedinexperienced,probablybecauseeventhoughI’vecaughthimglancingatme,hedoesn’tactuallyfindmethatdesirable.HethinksI’mtooyoung,andthatcouldnothavebeenmoreobviouslastnight.
“Whyareyouavoidingeyecontactwithme?”
Atearfallsdownmycheekaslastnight’sembarrassmenthitsmeharderthanexpected,andI’munabletokeepittomyself.Iquietlysay,“BecauseItriedtakingwhatIwantedfromhimlastnightandfailedmiserably,andnowI’mreallyfreakingembarrassed.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”sheasks.
Iturntowardher,moretearsfallingdownmycheeks.“Imean,Isawhiminthekitchenlastnightandcameontohim.HetouchedmealittlebutneverwhereIwanted,pinnedmeagainstthefridge,yethewouldn’tcrossthatlinewhenIaskedformore.HekeptsayingIwasofflimits.SoIreallydon’tthinkthere’sanythingthere.”
“Hetouchedyou?Inwhatway?”Maggieasks.
“Iwasn’twearinganythingunderhissweatshirt,sohe,youknow…cameclosebutneverreallywentthere.IwasturnedontothepointIwaspracticallybegging,andhestillwouldn’tdoanything.”
Herlipstwisttothesideasshethinks.“Youknow,ifhealmostwentthere,thatmeanshewantsit.Hejustneedstogetpastamentalblockfirst.”Shewipesawaymytearsforme.“Idon’tthinkit’samatterofifhewantsyou,Hattie.Ithinkit’samatterofwhenyou’llbreakhim.Thequestionyouneedtoaskyourselfis…areyouwillingtobreakhim,butinreturn,possiblyloseyourfamily?”
“YouthinkI’lllosethem?”IaskeventhoughI’mprettysureIknowtheanswertothat.
Shegivesmeagetreallook.“Themomenttheyfindoutyou’reworkingforhim,they’regoingtolosetheirshit.Iftheyfindoutyou’reactuallywithhim,withhim,Idon’tthinkthey’lltalktoyou.”
Ibitedownonthecornerofmylip.“Iknowyou’reright.Thisalljust…sucks.Everythingaboutit.It’sunfairbecauseIwaswithMattformanyyearsandneverfeltlikeIdoaroundHayes.Iswear,onelookfromhimfeelslikeanelectricshock.”
“Icanonlyimagine.ButIworryaboutyouandyourfamily.Youweresoclosebefore.Ithinkthat’swhyyoushouldbuildupyourrelationshipwithRylandandAubreefirst,thenmaybe,ifyouthinkitwon’tdestroywhatyou’vegained,easethemintotheideaofgivingHayesasecondchance.Ithinkit’stheonlywaytowinbothsidesofthis.”
“Yeah…Ithinkyou’reright.I’msurethere’sawayIcangetRylandtoopenup,andwhenhedoes,IcanshowhimhowgenerousandkindHayeshasbeen.”
Maggienods.“Ithinkthat’sagreatidea.”Shegripsthehandleofthedoor.“Andyouknow,youcancallmeanytime.I’lltrytocomeuphereagainsoon.IhaveafewweddingsbutthinkIhavesomeweekdaysoff.”
“Soundsperfect,”Isay.“Andthankyou,Maggie.”
“Anythingformygirl.”Shehugsmeoverthecenterconsoleandthengetsout.Ipopthetrunkforhertograbherbag.Shewavesatmeandgetsintohercarwhenshe’sdone.
InsteadofreturningtoHayes’shouserightaway,Idecidetoclearmyheadandheaduptheboardwalk.
Phoneinonehandandwalletintheother,becauseIknowI’llendupbuyingsomethingatPiecesandPages,IwalkpastTheAlmondStore,whereIseeAubreehelpingacustomerpickoutsomealmondextract.Iavoidtheinn—incaseEthelwaitsatthewindowtojumpoutandtalktome—andcrossthestreet,whereIrundirectlyintoAbelonhiswaytowork.
“Hattie,hey,”hesayswithasmile.“Howareyou?”
“Good,”Ianswer.
Henods.“Greattohear.”
Andthenanawkwardsilencefallsbetweenusbecausethere’sagiantelephantintheroom,anelephantsolargethatIhonestlydon’tknowhowAbelcanwalkaroundwithamonumentalsecretonhischestaboutbothofhisbestfriends.
“Haveagoodweekend?”hefinallyasks.
“Yeah,myfriendMaggiecametohangout.”
“Cool.”
“Whataboutyou?”
“Oh,uh,wentuptotheredwoodswithRyland,Mac,andAubree.Surprisedyoudidn’theadupwithus.Youweremissed.”
Ifeelmybrowcrease.“Youwentuptotheredwoods?”Withmysiblings…withoutme?
“Yeah,butitmakessensewhyyouweren’ttherewithyourfriendintown.”
“Iwasn’tinvited,”Isay,feelingembarrassed.
Headjustshismessengerbagonhisshoulderandlooksvisiblyuncomfortable.“Uh,areyousure?”
“Positive.”
“Maybetheydidn’twantyoutohavetochoosebetweenthemandyourfriend.”
“Theydidn’tknowshewasvisiting.”
Hesighsandglancesdownattheground.“Ireallydon’twanttobeinthemiddleofthis.”
“Inthemiddleofwhat?”Iask.“IstheresomethingyouknowthatIdon’tknow?”
“No,”hesays.
AndthenIstandonmytoesandpushmyfingertohischest.“DidyoutellthemaboutwhoIworkfor?”
“No,”hesaysquickly.“Iwouldn’tdothat.YoushouldknowbynowI’mnotthatkindofperson.”
He’sright,he’snot.
“I’msorry.”Itugonmyponytail.“Ijust…Ifeellikethey’repullingaway,anditseemsI’mnotcrazyinthinkingthatfromhowtheydidn’tinvitemetotheforestthisweekend.”IglancebackatTheAlmondStoreandsay,“MaybeIshouldfindout.”
“Hattie,”Abelsays,grabbingmyhand.“Pleasedon’tdosomethingstupid.”
“Likewhat?”Iask.
“Like…getmeinvolved.”
Irollmyeyesandwalkaway.Coward.Whyisheonlyworriedabouthimselfhere?“Don’tworry,Abel,you’resafe.”
IcrossthestreetagainandheadrightbackintoTheAlmondStore.ThecustomerAubreewashelpingmomentsagowalksoutwithabag.Iholdthedooropenforherandthenshutit.
WhenAubreeseesme,shesays,“Shouldn’tyoubeatyourinternship?”
“Latestart,”IsayasIapproachthecounter.“Whatdidyoudothisweekend,sis?”
Noreasonnottogetstraighttothepoint.
SheavertshereyestoheriPad,butIslapmyhandonthescreen,coveringitup.“I’mlookingforasecondofyourattention.Idon’tbelievethat’stoomuchtoaskfor.”
Herfacecontorts,irritationclearinhereyes.“What’sgoingon?”
“I’maskingyouthesamething.What’sgoingon?Whydidn’tyouinvitemetogototheredwoodswithyouthisweekend?AndbeforeyouaskhowIknow,IranintoAbel.HecasuallymentionedwhathedidthisweekendwhenIaskedhim.”
“Wedidn’tseeyourcar,butwesawMaggie’sintheparkinglot.Thoughtyoutwowereoutandabout,sowedidn’twanttobotheryou.”
Oh…
Huh.
Iguessthatmakessense.
Jesus,Hattie,you’relosingit.
“Oh,sorry,”Isay.IreleaseheriPad.
“Caretotellmewhythehellyou’refreakingoutonme?”
Yup,that’sexactlywhat’shappening.I’mfreakingout.
I’mfeelinghumiliated.Hurt.Shutoutofeveryone’slivesandinterestsasifI’mafuckingbothertothemall.Everythingissojumbledup,andtheonlypersonIcanleanonjuststarteddrivingbacktoSanFrancisco.Leavingmefeelingsofuckingalone.IhavenoideahowmuchhonestyAubreewilltolerate,butIhavetosetthesefeelingsfree.
“Because…itfeelslikeyoudon’twantmetobeapartofyourlife.WhenIheardyouwenttotheredwoodswithoutme,Iassumeditwasbecauseofthat.I’vebeenherefortwoweeks,and…well,honestly,itfeelslikeyouandRylandhavebeenpushingmeaway.”
AubreesighsheavilyandshutsheriPad.Sherubshertemplesandmutters,“ThisiswhyIwantedtotellyou.”
“Tellmewhat?”Iask.
“Thiscan’tbedonewithjustme.IthastobedonewithRylandtoo.Thinkyoucancomeuptothefarmfordinner?”
“Yes,”Isay.“Idon’thaveanythingplanned.”
Acustomerwalksin,andshewhispers,“Thenseeyoutonight.Okay?”
“Yeah,okay,”IsayasImovetothebackoftheshop,thetensioninmychesteasing.
MaybeI’llfinallygetsomeanswerstonight.
***
IpulluptothedirtdrivewayofCassidy’shouse—Idon’tthinkI’lleverthinkofitanyotherway—andgraduallydrivemycaracrossthebumpsintheroaduntilIreachthefront.
TodaywentbysofreakingslowlythatIalmostlostit.Ispenttheentiredaysortingenvelopes.FinallyshreddedsomepilesthatIdidn’tthinkwarrantedHayes’sattention,andallthewhile,IavoidedHayesatallcostsbykeepingmyheadphonesonandmyeyesdown.
Heslippedintothelivingroomafewtimes,sawhimmovingaroundinthekitchen,butIthinkhehadtheideaIwasavoidinghim.Therefore,heshouldavoidme.
Itworked.
Myphonebeepswithatext,andwhenIglancedown,Irollmyeyes.
Hayes:Greatavoidancetoday.Expertlevel.
God,hetrulyisthemostinfuriatingman.
Hattie:Justgettingworkdone.
Hayes:Liar.
Hattie:Whatdoyouwant?Youturnedmedown.Wantmetogetonmykneesandbeg?
Hayes:No,butIthoughtyoucouldbematureaboutit.Guessthat’swhattwelveyearsofdifferencedoes.
MymouthdropsopeninshockasIstareattheblatantinsult.Whatanass!
Hattie:Wow,Hayes.Resortingtobeingadick.See,oldagedoesthattoyou.
Hayes:Isthishowit’sgoingtobe?
Hattie:Youtellme,youcameingunsblazing.
Hayes:Ifwe’regoingtoworktogether,I’dexpectyoutoacknowledgemeattheveryleast…andarriveontime.
Hattie:Yes,yourmajesty.
Hayes:Andfortherecord,IdeniedyoubecauseI’mlookingoutforyou.
Hattie:Whateveryouneedtosaytoconvinceyourself.
Thebubblesonhissideofthetextthreadpopupanddisappear.I’mabouttotuckmyphoneawaywhenitstartsringinginmyhand.
Ughhh…
“What?”Ianswer.
“Surprisedyouanswered,”hesays.
“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Tomorrow,IhavetodrivedowntoSanFranciscoforwork,andIneedyoutocomewithme.”
“Uh…why?”
“Rubenwon’tbethere,andI’llneedanassistantonset.”
“Set?”Iask.
“Shootinganotherfragrancecommercial.It’slastminute,hencewhyRubencan’tgetthere.”
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”
“Assistantthings.Whateverproductionasks,whateverIask,justbehelpful…andnotscowlingwithyourheadphoneson.”
“Iwasn’tscowlingtoday.”
“Didyoulookinamirror?”
Growingirritated,Isay,“Youknow,justwhenIthoughtyouwereagoodguy,youchangemyperspectivesoquickly.”
“Good,that’sthewayitshouldbe,”hesays.“Sinceyoudon’twanttobeseenwithme,meetmeatthebarnnolaterthanfiveinthemorning.”
“Five?Haveyoulostyourfreakingmind?ThatmeansI’mgettingupat…Idon’tevenknowwhattime.”
“It’seitherthatorweleavetonightandspendthenightatmycondo.”
“Well,Jesus,Ichoosetoleavetonight.Whatiswrongwithyouthatyou’dwanttoleavesoearlyinthemorning?”
“Howaboutthefactthatyouwouldn’tevenlookinmydirectiontoday?HowthehellwasIsupposedtotalktoyouaboutit?”heasks,provingapoint.
“Youcouldhavetappedmeontheshoulderratherthansendingpassive-aggressivetextsafterward.”
“Andriskgettingmyarmchompedoffbythesnarlybeast?Yeah,I’mgood.”
“Aren’tyoujustfreakinghumorous?”
“Speakingfacts,”hereplieswithhisannoyinglyquickwit.
“Ihavedinnerwithmybrotherandsister,butafterthat,Icanmeetup.I’lljusthavetograbsomeovernightstuff.”
“Fine,butdon’tbetoolate,it’satwo-and-a-half-hourdrive.”
“Iknowhowlongitis,”Ishootback.“Justtobeclear,doIneedanythingspecialtoweartomorrow?”
“Comfortableclothes.I’msureyou’llberunningaround.”
“Perfect.Can’twaittospendalotoftimewithyou,”Isaysarcastically.
“Bittermuch?”
“Goodbye.”Ihangupthephoneandthengetoutofthecar.
God,he’ssuchanass.
Ifhe’stryingtopissmeoffonpurpose,he’sdoingagoodjob.
Myhumiliationaboutlastnightturnsstraightintoanger,andIrevelinit.It’ssuchabetterfeeling.
IheadupthestairsoftheporchtoCassidy’sfarmhouse.Notneedingtoknock,Iopenthecreakyscreendoorandwalkrightin,whereIcatchMacplayingonthefloorwithChewyCharlesandsomeDuploswhileRylandisinthekitchen,pullingoutafrozenlasagnafromtheoven.
“AuntHattie,”Macsayswhenshespotsme.Sherunsuptomeandplastersherlittlebodytomyleg.
“Hey,kiddo,”Isay,squeezingherback.“What’sChewyCharlesuptotoday?”
“Makingfriendswithspiders,”Macanswers.“Butthesespidersarespecialspiders.”
“Whatmakesthemspecial?”IaskasItakeaseatnexttoherDuplos.
“Theylikesuckingblood.”
“Ohmy,”Isay.“Whoseblood?”
“Duploblood,”shesaysinamenacingtoneandthensherunsherfingers—thespiders—overtheDuplos,makingsuckingnoisesandthenthrowingherheadbackinamaniacallaugh.“Hahaha,suckingtheblood.”
IglanceoveratRyland,clearlyconcernedaboutthisnewdevelopment,andhejustshrugsashesetsthelasagnaonthetable.
Okay,soIguesswe’renotconcernedabouttheblood-suckingfingerspiders.Noted.
“Lookatthem.They’resofullofblood,”Macsays,movingherfingersinfrontofmyface.
“Yes,plumpandjuicywiththeredstuff,”Isay.I’veneverbeensupergreatwithkids,kindofawkwardactually,soIdon’tknowhowtohandleorprocessblood-suckingfingerspiders.
“Ohno,thespidersarefalling,”Macsaysasshetumblesherfingersdownintheair.“ChewyCharles,savethespiders.”Shepicksupherhorseandsays,“ChewyCharlestotherescue.Catchthosespiders.Placethemontheground.Lickthem.”
Ahh,theclassicnarrationofMacKenzie.Shestarteditaroundthree,narratinghereverymovewhileplayingmake-believe.
Wethoughtitwasoddbutalsofunny,andnow,we’rejustusedtoit.I’mjustsogladitcontinuedafterCassidydied.OneofthemanythingsI’dfearedforthislittlegirlwasthatshe’dlosehervividimaginationinhergrief.Areyouwatchingyourpreciousgirl,Cassidy?
“Goodjob,ChewyCharles,”IsayasIstand.“Ineedtotalktothecaptainofthehousenow—”
“Thisisn’taboat,AuntHattie.YoucanjustsayUncleRyRy.”
“Myapologies,”Isay,workingmywayintothekitchen.“IneedtospeaktoUncleRyRy.”
“Muchbetter,”shesays,slowlynoddingatmeandsmiling.
Ohh-kay.
IturntowardRylandandsay,“She’ssomethingelse.”
“Tellmeaboutit.”Hekeepshiseyesonthegarlicbreadthat’sintheoven,keepingtheovendoorpartiallyopen.“ShescreamedatmethismorningbecauseIsatononeofherimaginaryspiderbabies.Ittookmefifteenminutestocalmherdown.Shewaslatetopreschool,andIwaslatetoschool.”
“Didyouknowthespiderswerethere?”
Heglancesoverhisshoulderatme.“DoyouthinkIwouldhavesatonthemifIdid?”
“True,”Isayandadjustmyponytail.“Uh,soIwasjusttalkingtomyboss,andhesaidIhavetogotoSanFranciscotomorrow.Weleavetonight.Anychancewecouldtalkandeatatthesametime?”
“Idon’twanttotalkinfrontofMac,”hesays.
“Anychanceshecouldwatchashowandeat?”
“Iguessso,”hesays.“It’llbeherbestnight,that’sforsure.”
“Thanks,Iappreciateit.”
“Sure,”hesaysasheslipsonanovenmitt,eyeslaserfocusedonthebread.“Areyoulikingthenewinternship?”
“Yeah,it’sprettygood,”Isay,feelingawkward.
“Learninganything?”
“Uh…alittle,”Ianswer.“It’smainlycondensinginformation.Elementsofbusiness.”Facts.I’velearnedthatwomenhavenoproblemprintingandsendingnakedphotostostrangers,andI’vealsobeenverybusysiftingthroughletters.“I’mgainingexperiencewiththebonusofanincome.”
Thefrontdooropens,andAubreewalksinwithapastrybox,mostlikelyalmondcherrycookies.
“Hi,AuntAubree,”MacsaysasshetossesChewyCharlesupintheair.“Fliesintotheair.Landsonhisbutt.Breakshisbutt.”
“Hey,Mac.Ibroughthomesomecookies.”
“Yay!”Maccheersandreachesforthebox,butAubreeholdsithigh.
“Dinnerfirst.”
“Andyougettoeatdinnerandwatchashow,”Rylandsaysasheremovestheperfectlytoastedgarlicbread.
“SuperKitties!CanIwatchSuperKitties?Please!”
“Sure,”Rylandsays.“First,pottyandwashhands.”
Mactakesofftowardthebathroom,andwespendthenextfewminutessettingupourplates,thengettingMacsituatedwithSuperKittiesandherdinner.Onceeveryoneisseated,Isay,“ItoldRylandIhavetoleaveforSanFranciscotonight.SoIwashopingwecouldtalkduringdinner.”
“WhyareyougoingtoSanFrancisco?”Aubreeasks.
“Formyinternship.”
Shenods.“Oh,cool.Well,I’llletRylandtalk.”Shepicksupapieceofgarlicbreadandtakesagiantbite.
IturntowardRyland,andhe’scuttinghislasagnaashesays,“Idon’tevenknowwheretofuckingstart.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Aubreesays.“StartwiththeconversationCassidyhadwithusinthehospital.That’sallthereistotalkabout.”
“Whatconversation?”Iask,lookingbackandforthbetweenthetwoofthem.
Rylandsetsdownhisforkandknife.“Itwasafewdaysbeforeshepassedwhenyoucouldn’tmakeitintotown.ShewantedtotalktousbeforeyouarrivedbecausesheknewherpassingwouldtakethebiggesttollonyouandMac.Shewasworriedaboutthebothofyouandhowyouwouldhandleherdeath.”Rylandtakesadeepbreath.“Herbiggestwishforyouwastofinishschool.Sheknewhowhardyouwereworkingandhowimportantitisforyoutoearnyourdegree,soshesaidshedidn’twantyougettingdistractedbylosingherandtryingtohelpoutaroundthefarm,thestore,andwithMac.Shewantedyoutofinishschool.Thatwasthetoppriority.Shedidn’tcareifthefarmorstorefailed,butshewantedMactobelovedandtakencareofandforyoutofinishschool.Shemadeuspromise.”
“She…shedid?”Iask,guiltswarmingme,swallowingmewhole.Ohgreat.I’mlettingCassidydownaswell?Fuck.WhythehellcouldInothavejustpassedthestupidcourses?
“Yes,”Aubreesays.“Andsoifwe’redistant,ifitseemslikewe’repushingyouaway,it’sbecausewe’retryingtogetyoutoapointwhereyoucanfinish,whereyoucanaccomplishthatgoal.You’renottoworryaboutusherebackathome.”
“Butthatdoesn’tmakeanysense.We’refamily.Whywouldn’tIhelpyou?”
“BecauseCassidywantedyoutofocusonschool,”Aubreerepeats.
“Butwhy?It’snotlikeItrulyknowwhatI’mdoingafterallofthis,”Isay.“WhydoesitmatterifIfinishthissemesterornext?”
RylandandAubreeexchangeglances,andIknowthey’renottellingmethewholetruth.
“What’sthatlookfor?”
Rylandcutsintohislasagnaagain.“Youjustneedtofinish,okay?Sothisinternshipwillgiveyouthecredityouneedtograduate,right?”
“Uh…no,”Isay,causingbothofthemtosnaptheirheadsup.
“Whatdoyoumean,no?”Rylandasks.
“Imean…I’llhavetoattendanothersemestertofinishupmymaster’s.”
“Whywouldyoudothat?”Aubreeasks.“Iwasundertheassumptionthatinsteadofclasses,thiswasgoingtogiveyouthecredityouneed.”
Crap.Thelookofangerinhereyessendsawaveofnervesstraightthroughme.
“No,”Isayinashakyvoice.“LikeIsaid,myprofessorsandIthoughtitwouldbebesttofocusonthisratherthanclassesfornowbecauseofmygrief.Ijustcouldn’tfocus.”
“Wait,”Rylandsays,holdinghishandup.“So…youstartedyourclassesthissemesterandthenjust…stopped?Isn’tthatwastingmoney?Whywouldn’tyoujustfinish?”
SweattricklesdownmybackasIrealizeIdidn’tfullythinkthisthrough.Iwouldn’tevenknowhowtobegintotellthemthetruth…thewholetruth.
Aboutfailing.
AboutworkingforHayes.
AboutmyinterestinHayes…
“Hattie?”heasks,hisexpressionwaitingforananswer.
IswallowhardandrealizethatifIlieatthismomentandtheyfindoutthetruth,Imightneverbeabletorecoverourrelationship,soIdecidetobepartiallyhonest,eventhoughit’snotgoingtobepretty.
Composedyetnervous,Isay,“Well,Iactually,uh…Ididn’tdothatwellonmymidterms.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Rylandasks.
OhGod,herewego.
“Ifailedthem…allofthem.”
“What?”theyaskatthesametime,theirvoicesrising.
“Ic-couldn’tfocus,”Isay.“Cassidy’sdeathhitmehard,andbeforeIknewit,midtermswerehere,andIwasn’tprepared.Ifailed,andwithmyclasses,ifyoufailthemidterms,youhavetoretaketheclass.”
“Wait…soyoufailedout?”Rylandsays,lookingangrierthanIexpected.
“NotbecauseIwasfuckingaroundoranything,”Isay.“Iwasmourningmysister,Ryland.”
Heleansbackinhischairandstaresmedown.“Whythehelldidyoulietous?”
“BecauseIwastooscaredtotellyouthetruth.IthoughtthatmaybeifItookthisinternshipnearyouguys,wecould,Idon’tknow…helpeachotherout,andIcouldrechargefornextsemester.”
“Sowe’retalkinglikesixtosevenmoremonthsbeforeyougraduate?”Aubreeasks,lookingpissed.
“Yes,”Ianswer.
“Jesus,”shesays,pushingbackfromthetable.“Yourealizewe’reallmourninghere,right?Thatyou’renottheonlyone?”
“Aubree,”Rylandsaysunderhisbreath.
“Comeon,Ryland,allshehadtodowasgraduate.That’sit.Andshecouldn’tevendothat.You’retakingcareofagoddamnchild,sleepingonacoucheverynight,barelymakingitdaytodaywhileputtingonahappysmile.I’mdrowninginresponsibilitiesIneverfuckingaskedforwhilehelpingyouanychanceIcan,andallshehadtodowasgraduate.”
Caughtoffguardbyheranger,Isay,“Icouldhelpyou,Aubree,butyouwon’tletme.”
“Becauseyoucan’t!”Aubreesays.“It’sinhergoddamnwill.”
What?Iglancebetweenmysiblings.Rylandispinchinghisbrow,andAubreelookslikeshe’sabouttohaveamentalbreakdown.Whatwasinherwill?
Whatisshetalkingabout?Andwhydon’tIknowaboutherwill?Andthat’swhenithitsme.Theyshuttledmebacktoschoolbeforethewillwasread.Theypushedmeawayfromthemeventhen
“Aubree,enough,”Rylandsays.
“No,sheneedstoknow.”Aubreeturnstowardmeandplacesherhandsonthetable,lookingdeepintomysoul.“AsmuchaswewouldallLOVEyourhelp,wecan’tacceptagoddamnhandfromyouuntilyougraduate.Cassidyrequiredit.Sheknewthatinsteadoffinishingschool,you’dwanttoclingtohermemorywhenshepassed.Andshewassofuckingright.”Shetossesherhandintheair.“Rylandsaidtogiveyouachancetofinish.It’swhywedidn’tsayanythingatfirst,butlikeItoldyoufromthebeginning,Ryland,weshouldhavesaidsomethingbecauseatleastmaybeshewouldhaveappliedherself.”
“You’renotbeingfair,”Isay.
“Noneofthisisfair,Hattie,”Aubreesays,tearsforminginhereyes,somethingI’veonlyseenahandfuloftimes.“LosingCassidy,takingontheseresponsibilities,workinguntilwepassouteveryfuckingday,noneofitisfair.Trustme,ifIcouldhaveyouhelp,Iwould.I’dreturntothethingsIloveratherthanrunningastorethatwasalwaysamerejobtomebeforewelostCassidy.”Shestandsfromthetable,andasshewalksaway,Rylandstandsaswell.
“Wait,”Isaybeforehecanleavetoo.“Ryland,Ihadnoclue,I…I’msorry.”
“Iknowyoudidn’t,”hesaysashegoesafterAubree,leavingmetositatthetable,alone,stewinginmyownthoughts.
Inmyownguilt.
Whydidyoudothis,Cassidy?
Whywouldn’tyouletmehelpthem?
Youthoughtyouwerehelpingme,butinreality,you’vejustdrivenawedgebetweenmeandmysiblings.
Awedgethatseemstogetbiggerandbiggerwitheverydaythatpasses.
***
Baginhand,IgetoutofmycarandlockitupbeforeheadingovertoHayes’swaitingvehicle.
Itwasn’tlongafterAubreeleftthetablethatIleft.IwaitedforRylandtoreturnsoMachadeyesonher,butItookoff.Ithankedhimfordinnerandapologizedonemoretime.Hedidn’tsayanything.I’mnotsurehehasmuchtosaytomeotherthanhe’sdisappointedinme.
Idon’tblamehim.
I’mdisappointedinmyselfaswell.
AndIhatetoadmitit,butAubreehadveryvalidpoints.I’mnottheonlyonemourning.Ihadonesimpletask—tofocusonschool.Aubreejugglestwobusinessesthatsheisn’tonehundredpercentfamiliarwith,andRylandtakescareofafour-year-oldwithspiderfingers.Inthegrandschemeofitall,Iwastheonewhogotoffeasy.
YetI’mjealousofthem.
TheyhaveapieceofCassidy,andIhave…Ihavenothing.
I’dratherhavethestressestheyfeeldailythanthefeelingoflossanddisconnect.
Ishouldhavebeenpartoftheteamtokeephermemoryalive.
Whydidn’tsheallowthat?
Why…whywasshepushingmeawayaswell?
IopenthedoortoHayes’sbackseatandsetmybagdown,onlytomoveforwardtothefrontseat,whereIbuckleup.
“Nohello?”heasks.
“Notinthemood,”IsayasIstareoutmywindow,myphoneclutchedinmyhand.
“Caretotalkaboutit?”
“No,”Isay.
“Okay,”hesaysashetakesoffdowntheroad.
TearswellinmyeyesaswedrivesouthtowardSanFrancisco,theconversationrunningthroughmyhead—Aubree’stears,herwordsoftruth,thelookofdisappointmentonbothoftheirfacesastheyrealizedIfailedout…
Mylipquivers.
NotonlydidIfailthembutIfailedCassidyaswell.AllIhadtodowasgraduate,andIcouldn’tevenfuckingdothat.
BeforeIcanstopthem,atearcascadesdownmycheek.Iwipeitaway,butanotherfollows.
Andthenanother.
Andthenanother.
Itrytokeepup,butit’suseless.
“Comeon,Ryland,allshehadtodowasgraduate.That’sit.Andshecouldn’tevendothat.You’retakingcareofagoddamnchild,sleepingonacoucheverynight,barelymakingitdaytodaywhileputtingonahappysmile.I’mdrowninginresponsibilitiesIneverfuckingaskedforwhilehelpingyouanychanceIcan,andallshehadtodowasgraduate.”
Myheartfeelslikeit’sshatteringalloveragain.IthoughtI’donlylostonesister…butI’velostthemall.Tearsstreamdownmyface.Mybrother’slifeisfuckedup,mysisterisdrowning,andallIhadtodowasgraduate.
“Areyoucrying?”
“No,”Isayeventhoughthatonewordsoundsfulloftears.
“Yes,youare,”hesaysjustasweleavetown.Hepullsofftotheside,nearoneofthelookoutsofAlmondBay,andputstheSUVinparkbeforeturningtowardme.“Whyareyoucrying,Hattie?”
Iwipeatmytears.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“DidImakeyoucry?”heasksinsuchatender,caringvoicethatitactuallymakesmecrymore.
“No,”Isay.“Thishasnothingtodowithyou.”
“Okay…”Hepauses.“Doyouwantmetotakeyoubacktoyourplace?IcanmanagewithoutyouifIneedto.”
Ishakemyhead.“Ican’tbethererightnow.Justdrive,okay?”
“Okay,”heanswersasheputsthecarindriveagainandpullsoutontotheroad.
Withonehandonthesteeringwheel,heremainssilent,allowingmetojustsitinmyfeelings,andsurprisingly,Iappreciateit.ThelastthingIwanttodoistalkaboutmybrotherandsister.
Thankfully,heturnsonsomemusic,anditfillsthesilence.TracyChapmanfiltersthroughthespeakers,hercool,raspyvoicepullingmeawayfrommythoughtsasIfocusonthelyricsandtheinstrumentals.Iturnawayfromthewindowandfaceforward,morecomfortablenow,andjustasIsettleintomyseatforthelongride,Hayesreachesovertheconsoleandtakesmyhandinhis.WhenIglanceathimwithquestionsonthetipofmytongue,hedoesn’tlockeyeswithme.Instead,hejustsqueezesmyhandandremainslikethat…offeringthesupportIneverthoughtI’dfindinhim.ChapterTwelve
HAYES
Idon’tlikethatshecried.
Idon’tlikeseeingit,andIdon’tlikehearingit.
Ithoughtitwasme…theoneshewasupsetwith,andIwouldn’tblameherifitwas.
AfterIdroveherdesiretothepointofbreaking,thenpushedheraway…Yeah,I’dbepissedtoo.Didshehavetofinishthejob?
Butifthismorningprovedanything,it’sbestIdidn’ttakeitanyfurther.
Sowhensheshowedup,quietandsubdued,Iassumeditwasbecauseofme.Butwhat’sstrangeisthatknowingI’mnottheonewhobroughtonthetears,Inowwanttoknowwhodidthistoher.
Whomadeherhurt?
Iwanttotakecareofher,takethatpainaway.Knowinghersituationwithherfamily,that’smyoneguess.
Whichmeans…fuck,didRylandsaysomethingtoheraboutme?Shit,maybethisreallyismyfault.
Didhewarnher?Didhequestionher?Doesheknow?
Didtheyhaveafallingout?
Nervescreepupmyneck,makingmyminduneasyasInavigatethesituation.
Istartedthisentireinteractionwithherbasedonmyneedtocontrolthepeoplearoundme.Ihadnoclueshe’dtakeovermymind.Thateverysecondoftheday,I’dbethinkingabouther.
AndwitheverysecondIspendwithher,Iregretblackmailinghertoworkformebecause,yeah,Imighthavebeenlonely,Imighthaveneededthehelp—shesureashellneededthehelp—butnow,nowIcouldhavetrulyfuckedherover.
Jesus,what’swrongwithme?
AndthenpracticallyforcinghertocomewithmetoSanFrancisco?Technically,Idon’tneedherthere.Theproductioncompanywouldhaveenoughpeopleonsettohelpmeout…butIwantedherthere.Askmetoexplainthat,andIcan’t.
Idon’twanttolikeher.
Idon’twanttotouchher.
Idon’twanttogetinvolved.
YetIlikeseeingher…Ineedtoseeher.
Iwantherinvolved.
Iwanttoholdherhandbecauseshe’ssad,andIwanttomakeherfeelbetter.
Idon’t…fuck,Idon’twanttobelonely.Hersilencetodayhasbeenpainful.Iknowshewasmadfromlastnight,butIstillthoughtthatmaybe…she’datleastshakeitoffasadrunkthingandmoveon.
Shemovedon,allright,butsheleftmeinthedust.
Anditstung.
Ididn’tlikeonesecondofit.
Soseeingherupsetnowhascreatedaprotectiveinstinctwithinme.AndIfeltlikeIcoulddonothingbutreachoverthecenterconsoleandholdherhand.
Andthat’showit’sbeenforthepasthalfhour—holdingherhandandlisteningtomusic.
“Areyouokaywiththemusic?”Iaskher.
“Yeah,Iloveit,”shesayssoftly.Thankfullythetearsaregonenow.“Ididn’tknowyoulistenedtoAerosmith.WhenDreamOnstartedplaying,Iwassurprised.”
“LoveAerosmith,”Isay.“Iknowmymusicisdifferentfromtheirs,butifIeverdidtherockthing,I’dwanttobeinabandlikeAerosmith.”
“Interesting,”shesays,hervoicebecominglighter,notsodistressedanymore,whichputsmeslightlyatease.“Isthereasongyouwishyouwrote?”
“Yeah,”IsayasIkeepmyhandclaspedaroundhers,gladshe’stalking.Talkingandnotfightingwithme…becauseIfeellikethat’swhatwedo,nonstop.“MorethanaFeelingbyBoston.It’sprobablymyfavoritesongever.Thepremiseofhowasongcanconnectyoutosomeone,pastandpresent,istrulywhatmusicisallabout.Ioftendoacoverofitduringmyconcerts.Ihavearotationofafew,andthat’soneofthem.”
“I’veseenit,”shesayssoftly.
“Youhave?”Iask.
Shenods.“Yeah,forsomereason,InstagramthinksIliketoseevideosofyou.Iwasscrollingandstumbledacrossit.Iwatchedbecause,well,Iwashopingyoufelloffthestageorsomething—”
“Liar,”Isay,causinghertochuckle.
“Anyway,Ithoughtitwasgood.”
“Justgood?”
Shesighsheavily.“Fine,morethangood.Buttheacousticversionismyfavorite,ifyouneedtoknow.”
“Idoneedtoknow.Ineedtoknoweverythingyouthinkaboutmymusic.”
“IthinkMaggietoldyouenough.”
“Notnearlyenough,”Isay,lovingthatshe’sbeingplayfulnow.“Didyouhavemeunderasecretplaylistbecauseyoudidn’twantyourfamilytoknowyoulikemymusic?”
“Exactly,butI’mprettysureCassidyknew.Sheneversaidanything,butshe’dmentiononeofyoursongseveryonceinawhileandgivemeaknowinglook.”
“Didyouhaveasecretposterofmeaswell?”
“No,”shescoffs.“Ilikedafewsongs,that’sit.”
“Soundedlikemorethanafewsongs.”
“Wecanmoveonfromthis.We’vealreadytalkedaboutit,sothere’snoneedtorehashit.”
“I’mprettysureI’llneverletitgosinceyouweresoadamantabouthatingmymusic.Callingitswill.”
“Well,nowyouknowthetruth,sodropit.”
Ichuckle.“Fairenough.Butdidyouhaveanypostersofanycrushesonyourwall?”
“No,”sheanswers.“Iwasneverreallylikethat.Youknow,wewereraisedinasingle-parenthousehold.Dadneverletusfantasize,especiallyRylandandCassidy.Whenhewasatwork,workingextrashifts,theyweretakingcareofmeandAubree.Therewasn’tmuchroomfordreaming.”
“Youdidn’tdreamatall?”Iask.
“Notaboutcrushes.IdreamedaboutwhatIwantedtodowhenIgotolder.”
“Whatwasthat?”
“WhenIwasyounger,Iwantedtoownacoffeehouse,whichissosillybecauseIdidn’tevendrinkcoffee,butIjustthoughtitwasthisromanticizednotion,aplacewhereallthefunhappens.IblameitonalltheFriendsrerunsIwasaddictedtowatchingonTBS.IwantedmyveryownCentralPerk.AsIgrewolder,Iheldontothatidea,soIwenttoschoolforbusiness.ButthecoffeedreamfadedasIspentmoretimeatTheAlmondStorewithCassidyandhelpedhercreateeveryvisionshehadforit.”Shegrowsquietandthenlooksoutthewindowagain.
“Everythingokay?”
Sheshakesherhead.“No.It’snot,butnothingIwanttotalkabout.”
“Areyousure?”Iask.
“Yes,”shesays,shuttingdownquickly,whichclarifiesonething.WhatevershewascryingaboutearlierhastodowithCassidy.Idon’twanttopushher,though.Shenormallydoesn’tshutdownlikethis,despiteouron-and-offfriendship—ifthat’swhatyouwanttocallit.Shehasn’tbeenshyabouttalkingorholdingback.Whateverisbotheringher,shetrulydoesn’twanttoshare.
I’llrespectthat.
Fornow.
***
“AdamSandler,”Isay,breakingthehalfhourofsilence.Icouldn’ttakeitanylonger.
Sheglancesoveratme.“Huh?”
“Alphabetgame,haven’tyoueverplayeditonroadtripsbefore?”
“Oh…yeah,butsaythat.Don’tjustsaytheactor’sname.”
“Goahead.Yourturn.Anddon’tworryaboutrepeatingthepreviousanswers.Ijustlikehearinganswers.”
“Okay,”shesays,slightlyskeptical.“Dowehavetoplay?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.“I’mboredoutofmymind.Andstewinginsilenceisn’tgoingtohelpanything.”
“Saystheguywholetmestewinsilenceallday.”
“Thatwasyourchoice.Youblockedmeoutwithheadphones.”
“Becauseyouwereajerktomethenightbefore.”
Isigh.“Hattie,Iwasn’tajerk.Iwasprotectingyou.”
“Idon’tneedyoutoprotectme,Hayes.I’mabiggirl.IknowwhatI’mdoing.”
Igripthesteeringwheeltighter.“Youhavenoideawhatyou’dbegettingyourselfintoifIdidn’tholdbacklastnightorthenightbefore.WhenIsaidI’mtrouble,Imeantit.”
“Yetyouhavenoproblembeingconfusingbyholdingmyhandandtryingtoplayagametogetmymindoffthings.Imean,whatisit,Hayes?You’reconstantlygivingoffdifferentsignals.”
“I’mjusttryingtobenice.WouldyoupreferitifIlaughedinyourfacewhileyoucried?”
“Don’tbeanasshole.YouknowwhatImean.”
“AndyouknowwhatImeanwhenIsayI’mtrouble.You’rebetteroffmovingontosomethingelse.Someoneelse.”
“Done,”shesays,herchinheldhigh.Idon’tlikethesoundofthat.“Whenwegetback,I’llaskAbelout.”
“Abel?”Iask.“MybestfriendAbel?”
“Yup.He’shot.He’sadoctor.He’sbestfriendswithRyland.Bethewouldapproveofourloveaffair.”
“Don’tsayshit,Hattie,justtopissmeoff.”
“Butwhenyousaythingstopissmeoff…it’sokay?”
“Jesus,”Imutter.“Whathappenedtoplayingthealphabetgame?”
“WhathappenedisthatI’mcallingyououtonyourbullshit.You’readicktome,thenyou’renice.Pickalane,Hayes,andstayinit.”
“Isthatwhatyoureallywant?”
“Yes,”shenearlyshouts.“That’swhatIwant.Iwantsomething,anything,tojustbenormalinmylife.Ifyoudon’twantme,thenbeadicktome,makemehateeverysecondI’mwithyou.Don’tletmeclingtohopethatmaybethere’sachance.”
“Don’taskforsomethingyoucan’thandle.”
“Icanhandleit,”shesays.“Trustme,atthispoint,Icanhandleprettymuchanything.”
“Fine,”Isay.
Ifshewantsmetobeadick…Icanbeadick.
***
“Whatdoyoumeanwehavetoshareabed?”sheasks,staringattheking-sizedbedinmycondo.
Fortherestofthedrive,wesatinsilence,myplaylistthankfullyfillingtheair.Theentiretime,Itriedtowrapmyheadaroundtheconfusionofthelastfewdaysandbroughtitbacktoonething…Ifuckedup.
Ilethergettooclose.
Iletherseehowsheaffectsme.
AndIletherfeelmydesperatetouch.
MywillslippedandIhaven’tbeenabletohandletherealizationofthat,henceconfusingtheshitoutofher.Hell,I’mconfusedaswell.CouldIallowmyselftoindulgeinherforonenight?Ofcourse.I’dlovenothingmore.
Fuck…I’dlovetohavehercrawlbetweenmylegsandplaywithmerightbeforeIpushedheronherbackandplayedwithher…allnightlong.
Butitcan’thappen.
Itjustcan’t.
Isetmybagdownonthedresserandsay,“Youcouldtakethecouch,butithasn’tseenanass…eversoitmightbestiff.Andifyou’reexpectingmetobechivalrousandtakethecouch,Imustremindyou,youtoldmetobeadick.Soeithersleepnexttomeorspendyournighttossingandturning.”Eyesonher,Ireachovermyheadandgrabmyshirt,pullingitoff.
Hergazeroamsmychestforamomentbeforesheturnsawayandwalksintothelivingroom.
Thecouchitis.
Lesstemptationforme.
IgrabapillowoffmybedandwalkintothelivingroomwhereItossitonthecouch.
“There’sathrowblanketinthedrawerofthecoffeetable.”
“Wait,youdon’thavesheetsoranything?”
“Onmybed,notforyou.”
“Notevenanextracomforter?”
“DoIlooklikeafive-starresort?BehappyIhavesoaptowashyourhandswith.”Iturnawayandgrabmytoiletrybagbeforeheadingintothebathroom.
It’sfuckinglateandmymindisexhaustedfromtheconstantrethinkingofeveryinteractionI’vehadwithHattie,soIneedsleep.Irinsemyface,brushmyteeth,andI’mabouttotakeapisswhenHattiechargesintothebathroomwithherclothesandtoiletrybagaswell.
“Uh,doyoumind?”Iask.
“Nope,”shesaysassheturnsonthesinkfaucetandrinsesherface.
Okay…
Iturnmybacktowardherandwhipmydickouttopee.Iwaitforhertosaysomethingtome,butwhenshedoesn’t,Ifinishup,givemydickashake,andthenstickitbackinmybriefsbeforeflushing.
She’sdryingherfaceoffasIwashmyhands.
“Turnthelightoffwhenyoufinish,”Isay.
“Justbecauseyousaidthat,I’mnotgoingtonow.”
“Isthathowit’sgoingtobe?”Iaskher.
“Yup,”shesaysbeforeshuttingthedoorinmyface.
Jesus.
Imoveovertothebedandplugmyphoneintocharge.Itakeaseat,notgettingcomfortableyetbecauseIwouldn’tputitpasthertokeeptoherword.Andinstead,IsetmyalarmandthenchecktheemailRubensentmeonemoretimewithalltheinformationIneedaboutwhereI’mgoingtomorrowandthepremiseoftheshoot.
Basically,shirtlessbedroomscenes.
Nothingnewhere.
WhenIfirstsignedthisfragrancecontract,Iwasexcitedtotakeonanythingthatofferedmemoney.Whowouldn’tbe?Butfuck,they’vesexualizedmeonawholenewlevel,andthere’snothingIcansayaboutit.Theymakemegreatmoney,that’snottheproblem,butatsomepoint,Iwanttomoveonfromtheseadsandnothavetotakemyshirtoffforalltheattention.Iwanttobetakenseriouslyformymusic.Mycraft.Notjustsomethingsuperficiallikemylooks.
Thebathroomdooropens,andIglanceupjustintimetocatchHattiewalkout—leavingthelighton—inapairofbikini-styleunderwearthatsitshighonherhipsandathincroptopthatislooseenoughforherbreaststopeakthefabric.
FuckingChrist.
Assheretreatstothelivingroom,sheglancesoverhershoulder,myeyesonherpertass,andshesays,“Sweetnightmares.”
Idragmyhandovermymouthandstaredownatthefloor.Fuck,she’ssopainfullyhot.
Goodthingshe’ssleepingonthecouch.
Ipushoffthebed,turnoffthebathroomlight,andthencrawlunderthecovers,lettingthemsitatmywaist.Irunhot,sosubmergingmybodycompletelyunderthecoversmakesmesweat.
Iproponehandbehindmyheadandstareupattheceiling.
Jesus,IwasjustsayinghowexhaustedIwas,butafterseeingHattieinherversionofpajamas,Ifeelwideawake.Andfromthecreaksofthecouch,itsoundslikeshe’shavingahardtimegettingcomfortable.Thecouchwasashitpurchase.IletaninteriordesignerpickeverythingforthisspacebecauseItrulydidn’tcare.IjustneededaplacetosleepwhenIwasintown,recording.IrememberthefirsttimeIsatonthecouch,Iimmediatelystoodbackupandvowedtoneversitonthedamnthingagain.
“Ugh,”Hattiegrumblesinthelivingroom,thensheappearsatthedoorwayofmybedroom.“Youdidthisonpurpose.”
Isituponmyelbowstogetagoodlookather.Thosecurvyhips,proppingupthestringsofherunderwear,hertaperedwaistandsmallbellybutton.Proportionatebreaststhatarejustbigenoughtopushatthefabricofhershirt.Yeah,she’ssomyfuckingtype.
Nothingfakeabouther.
“Didwhatonpurpose?”Iask.
“Broughtmeheretocreateaone-bedscenario.”
“What?”Iask,confusedasshemovesovertotheothersideofthebedandflipsdownthecoverstogetin.
“It’stheoldesttrickinthebook,Hayes.Youwantmeinbed,soinsteadofgettingustwohotelrooms,youbringmebacktoyourcondothatonlyhasonebed?Whatacoincidence.”
“Whatareyouimplying?”Iaskasshefluffsherpillow.
“Thatyourhornyasswantedtogetmeintobedwithyou,andinsteadofjusttellingmeyouwantme,you’vecreatedascenariowherewehavetoshareabed,givingyoufullaccesstoteaseme.Well,guesswhat?”Sheturnstowardmeandliesdown.“It’snotgoingtowork.”
Istareatherforafewseconds.“Firstofall,IbroughtyouherebecauseI’mnotgoingtowastemoneyonahotelroomwhenIhaveaperfectlydecentcondotouse.Second,Iassumedyouwouldbematureenoughtoshareabedwithoutissue,butobviously,thatwasamisjudgmentonmyend.”
“Icanshareabed.That’snottheproblem.It’sthatIdon’twanttoshareabedwithyou.”
“Becauseyou’retootempted,Igetit,”Isay,beingthedickshesodesperatelywantsmetobe.
“Ohfuckoff,Hayes.You’renotthatappealing.”
“Saysthegirlwho’smadetwoadvancesonme.”
“Wow,”shesays.“Youreallydoplaytheasssowell.”
“Youaskedforit.I’mjustdelivering.”
“Theonlythingyoucouldprobablydeliver,”shesays.“Andfortherecord,Icouldeasilyturnyouonwithoutbarelytrying.”
“Youthinkso?”Iask.“BecauseIspecificallyrememberhowquicklyImadeyoubegwithjustafewtouches.”
Hereyesnarrow.“IfIallowedmyselftotouchyou,you’dbegtoo.”
“Idon’tbeg…ever,”Isay.
“Proveit,”shesays.
“Proveit?”Iask.“How?”
Shethinksaboutitforamomentandsays,“Sixtyseconds.Weseewhomoansfirstinsixtyseconds,pointproven.”
“Youwanttotrytoturneachotheroninsixtysecondstoproveagoddamnpoint?”
“Yeah,”shesays,asmileonherlips.“Scared?”
“No,worriedaboutyou,though.Youwon’tbeabletohandleit.”
“Waytodeflect.You’reworriedyou’llspendthenightwithblueballsoncethesixtysecondsisup.”
“Trustme,thatwon’tbeaproblem.”
“Thenlet’sseeifyou’resoconfident.”
Thiscanonlyendbadly,butIgetit.She’stryingtofeelsomething.Tryingtoprovesomething.
WhenI’mspiraling,Iusethesametechniques.IbecomeunhingedandstabawayatanythingthatwillmakemefeelanythingotherthantheagonyI’mmentallygoingthrough.
Andfromthelookonherface,Idon’tthinkIcanbackdown.Sheneedsthischallenge.She’stryingtofightsomeinnerturmoil,andthisseemstobeoneofthewaystodoit.
Andasweknow,despitetryingtostayawayfromher,Iwillalsodoanythingtoremovethatfrownfromherface.
Sostupidly,Isay,“Whataretheterms?”
“Notouchingbetweenthelegs.Nokissing.Andwhenthesixtysecondsisuporthefirstpersontomoanortouchthemselvesafter…loses.”
“Fine,”Isayandthenturnovertograbmyphone.Ipullupthetimerandsetitforsixtyseconds.“Youready?”Iask.
“Yup,”shesayswithaninsaneamountofconfidence.
Well,fuck…herewego.
Ipressstartonthetimerandthentossthephonetotheside.Hattiescootscloser,andherhandfindstheedgeofmyboxers,andimmediately,IknowI’mgoingtogethardinseconds.
Thiswasabadfuckingidea.
Herfingerrunsalongthethickelasticbandofmyboxerbriefs,toyingwiththeideaofwhatitwouldfeellikeifsheslippedherhandinside.AndIrealizeatthatmoment,Icouldmakethiseasyonme.Icouldletherdothehardworkandstrikewhenthemoment’sright.SoIlieflatonmybackandplaceonehandbehindmyheadasshemovesincloser.Myarmmovesaroundherasherwarmbodybecomesplasteredagainstmine.Iclutchthestrapofherunderwearinmyfist,possessivelyholdingherclosetome.
Sheglancesupatme,slightlysurprised,butthenfocusesbackonhertaskanddragsherfingersupmystomach,payingattentiontoeverydivotandcurveofmyabs,swirlingaround,rubbingandthenmovinguptomypecs.Iwatchherpullonherbottomlipwithherteethasherfingerrunsoveroneofmynipples.
Yup,I’mhard.OneswipeofmynippleandI’mfuckinggone.
Butshesaidthefirsttomoanortouchthemselves.Ihaven’tlost,I’mjustonanuphillclimbnow.
Igripheralittletighter,tuggingonherunderwearsoshecanfeelmypossession.Sheswallowstightlyandthenrubsherpointednipplesagainstmychestassheflicksmynipple.
Fuck,itfeelsamazing.
Everythingaboutthisfeelsamazing.
Hertightbodyupagainstmine.
Thewayshe’stouchingme.
ThepossibilitythatIcouldjustflipheronherback,claimtheloss,andfuckherintotheheadboarduntilshe’scryingoutmyname.
Shehasmeturnedon.Easy.
ButIwon’tletherknowthat.Ever
Shewantsachallenge,soshe’sgoingtogetone.
Iremainstoic,unmoving,asshebringsherhandbacktomyabsanddowntomyboxerbriefs,wheresheslipsonefingerpasttheelastic.
Fuuuuuck.
Imaintainevenbreathing,rejecttheneedtotightenfromhertouch,andremainascalmascanbeeventhoughmycockpressesagainstmyboxerbriefs,lookingtoplay.
AndIcantellshe’sgettingfrustratedassheglancesatthetimer.
Hermouthworkstotheside,clearlytryingtothinkofsomethingnuclearthatwilltipthisgameinherfavor.Unlessyouplanongrabbingmydick.I’mnotsureshe’llthinkofanythingelse,soIneedtomakeamove.
Itugonherunderwear,pullingherback,butbeforeIcanmoveontopofher,shebringsherchestclosetomyface.Andthentomysurprise,sheliftshercroptoptorevealhergorgeoustit
Fuck.
Me.
Jesus,it’sperfect.
Small,butitstillmakesmygoddamnmouthwater.Andwithhertightenednipple,pointedandlookingforsomeonetosuckonit,Ifeelmychestgrowheavyasmyhanditchestotakeherintomypalm.
Inmymouth.
Lapatherwithmytongue.
Butdespitewhatmybodywants,Idon’tmove.Itightenmygriponherunderwear,myfingersdiggingintoherhipnowasshebringsherpointednipplerighttomymouth.
Yes.Fucking.Please.
AndIrealizewhatshe’sdoing.She’spullingthenuclearcard.
I’msuchatitman,Iwantitinmymouth.
Mylipspartslightlyassherubsthenubalongthem.
InearlyflipherontoherbackindesperationbutremembertoholdittogetherasIchoosesubtletyforthebiggestimpact.
Ashernippletantalizesmymouth,Ibarelypartmylipsandgentlywrapmylipsaroundhernipple.
Hereyesconnectwithmineinshock,andthat’swhenIbringithome.Isuckonthenipple,justenoughofapulltoigniteaflamewithinher,andthenIletthenubgo,pullingmymouthaway.
Subtle,barelyatouch,butthedamagehasbeendone.
Tomyfuckingsatisfaction,herheadfallsback,herteethclampoverthecornerofhermouth,andthelightestmoanfallsoffhertonguejustasthetimergoesoff.
Winner.
Herheadsnapsforward,andwhenshelooksdownatmewithsurpriseinhereyes,Ismirkinresponse.
Ireachformyphoneandplugitbackinbeforepainfullyturningtomyside,facingher,andtuckingmypillowundermyhead.Imighthavewonthisgameofhers,butitdoesn’tnegatethefactthatsheturnedmeonaswell.Ijustdidabetterjobofmaskingit.
“Nicetry,Hattie,”Isay,takingsteadyingbreathstoregainsomesemblanceofcontrolovermybody.
Shejuststaresatme,breathingheavilyforafewmomentsbeforeshehuffssomethingunderherbreathandturnsaway,curlingintoherpillow.
DoIfeelbad?
No.
Shebroughtthisonherself.
DoIwishIcouldripthatshirtoffherandpaymoreattentiontothosedelicioustits?
Yes.
Butinstead,I’mgoingtodrivehomethestorylineshewantsmetoplayoutbetweenus,theonewhereI’mthedickwhotorturesher.
Ireachacrossthebed,curlmyhandaroundherwaist,andthenwithonepull,Ibringherstraighttomychestonagasp.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasksasherasslinesupwithmyhard-on.
Speakingcloselytoherear,Isay,“Doyoufeelthat?”Ipressherinevencloser.“Doyoufeelwhatyoudidtome?”
“Y-yes,”shesays,hervoiceshakyasIslidemyhandupherstomach.TheriseandfallofherchestspursmeonasIbrushmythumblightlyacrosstheundersideofherbreast.“God,”shesaysasIdoitagain,enjoyingherreactionandthesoftnessofherskin.Icouldeasilygetlostinher.She’ssoresponsive,needy,theperfectcombinationforwhatIwantwhenitcomestoawoman.
Imovemypalmuptoherbreastandcupher,rollingmythumboverhernipple,justabriefpass,butitelicitsamoanfromherasshepressesherassagainstmypainfulerection.Imovemyhipsagainsthers,seekingfriction,justenoughtomakemestarveformore.
Withmyforefingerandthumb,Igentlypinchhernipple,thetinynubpebbled,beggingformore.Iwanttogivehermore.Iwanttotearthistopoffandburymyheadbetweenhersmallbreasts.Iwanttolickthem,suckthem,playwiththemuntilshecan’tbreatheanymoreandallshecanfocusonisherrelease.
“Fuck,Hayes.More,”shebegs,thesoundofherthroatyvoicesuchaturn-on,but…fuck,whatamIdoing?
ThepointofplayingwithherwastoshowherIhavecontrolandshedoesn’t,yetwitheverygripofherbreast,everyrollofhernipple,mycontrolisslipping.
Anditcan’t.
Ican’tfuckinglose.Notwithsomuchontheline.NotwiththethoughtofRylandinthebackofmyhead.
SoIpause,andeventhoughIcanhearthebeatofmyownheartinmyears,aswellastheneedtofuckthiswomandeepinthemarrowofmybones,Isay,“Thisisthedifferencebetweenyouandme…Iknowhowtocontrolmyself,whereasyoudon’t.”Ipushaway,puttingdistancebetweenusandscootingtomysideofthebed.
“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”sheasksassheturnstowardmeinbed,afuriouslookonherfacehighlightedbythemoonlitroom.“Whatthehell,Hayes?”
“Doyouhaveaproblem?”
“Yes,”shesays,hereyesnowfurious.“You’remessingwithme.”
“No,I’mbeingexactlywhatyouwanted.Youaskedforthis.Youstartedit.”
“Ididnotaskforyoutolienexttomeandteaseme.”Sheshakesherhead.“Doyoutrulythinkyoucanfuckaroundwithme?”
“Itoldyou,I’mnotinterestedinyouinthatway.”
“Thenwhyevenbotherwithallofthis?”sheasks,wavingherhandabout.
“You’rehereforajob.You’retheonewhobroughtontheintimacy.”
“Andyoukeepfeedingintoit,”shepracticallyyells.“Andnottomention,you’retheonewhoheldmyhandalmostthewholedrivedownhere.Sotellmewhatthatwasabout.”
“It’scalledcomfortingsomeone.Ithoughtyouneededit.”
“That’snotcomforting.That’ssendingmixedsignals.”
“Believewhatyouwant,Hattie.”
Sheshakesherheadandsays,“Thisissofuckedup,Hayes.AndIdon’twanttodealwithitanymore.Afterthistripisover,I’mdonewithyou,donewiththisjob.”
Sheturnsawayfromme,asfarawayasshecango,andcurlsintoherpillow,silentfortherestofthenight.
She’sdonewiththisjob?
Donewithme?
NotsureIlikethat.
Actually,IknowIdon’tlikeit.
IlikeknowingshecomestomyhouseeverydayandisthereifIwanttotalk.Ilikethatshe’sorganizingmylifeeventhoughit’smademyhousemorechaotic,andIhatetoadmitit,butIlikethatshe’sbeenabletohelpmebreakthroughmywriter’sblock.
She’speace,butshe’sanarchy.
She’sachallenge,butshe’seffortless.
She’ssimple…yetcomplicated.
AndIlikeallofit.
I’vebecomeaccustomedtoherpresence.
Temptedtopullherbackintomychest,IturnawaysoIdon’tmakeanothermistake.Apparently,I’vemadesomanyalready,butasItrytogetsomesleep,Iknowonethingforsure—she’snotgoingtobeleavingthisjob.
Notgoingtohappen.
***
Hattiewalksbesideme,fallinginlinewithmystrideasweworkourwaythroughthesoundstagewherewe’llbeworkingtoday.Onthedriveover,wheresheremainedsilentjustliketherestofthemorning,Itoldherwhatwe’dbedoingtodayandwhatwasexpectedofher.Basically,tohelpoutwithanythingthatneedstobedone.
Shedidn’tacknowledgeme,sowe’llseehowtodaygoes.
Ididn’tgetmuchsleeplastnight,constantlyinturmoiloverHattie.
Ilikeher.There’snoquestioningthat.Theproblemis,sheseemstobealreadyhavingissueswithherfamily,andiftheyfindoutthatshe’sbeenworkingforme,ifI…ifImadeamoveorworse,gaveintohertemptation,they’dneverforgiveher.I’veknownRylandlongenoughtoknowhe’snotonetoforgive.AndforHattietoloseherfamily,that’snotsomethingIcanstomach.
Butfuck,I’vefoundmyselfmakingstupiddecisions.Likelastnight,likeholdingherhand,likepinningheragainstthefridgeandexploringherbody.Liketastingher.Fuck.
I’vepushedittoofar,I’vepushedhertoofar,andnow,eventhoughIdon’twanthertomoveontoanotherjob,itmightbebest.
Fuck…I’msoconfused.
“Doyouhaveanyquestions?”Iaskheraswenearthedirector.
“Nope,”shesaysasKevinapproachesus.
“Hayes,thankyouforcominginonsuchshortnotice.Wetrulyappreciateit.”Heshakesmyhand.
“Notaproblematall,”Isaywithasmile.“Thisismyassistant,Hattie.She’llbeabletohelpwithwhateverweneed.”
“Wonderful,”Kevinsaysashegreetsher.“Hattie,it’sverynicetomeetyou.”
“Nicetomeetyouaswell,”Hattiesays,lifecomingbackintoherfaceforthefirsttimethismorning.“Ifyouneedanything,justletmeknow.”
“Wewill.We’reshort-staffedbecausethiswasn’tplanned,sowe’lluseyouallday.”Kevinturnshisattentiontome.“Hayes,I’dlikeyoutomeetwhoyou’llworkwithtoday.”Kevinturnstothegroupandsays,“Odette,canyoucomeoverhereandmeetHayes,please?”
Fromthegroupofpeople,awomaninablacksilkrobeturnsaround,herwavybrownhairfloatingaroundhershouldersashergazelockswithmine.Deep-browneyespeerupatmeasabeautifulsmilecrossesherpoutylips.
Hell…she’s…she’sgorgeous.
“Odette,thisisHayesFarrow.Hayes,thisisOdetteJenkins,thewonderfulwomanyou’llbeworkingwithtoday.”
“It’ssonicetomeetyou,”Odettesaysassheholdsherhandouttome.Itakeitandgiveitasoftshake.
“It’snicetomeetyouaswell,”Isay.“AndI’mgoingtoapologizeinadvanceforanythingKevinmakesusdo.”
Shechuckles.“It’sokay.I’vedonequiteafewofthesetypesofshoots.I’mwellseasonedatthispoint.”
“Maybeyoucanwalkmethroughitthen,”Isay,stickingmyhandsinmypockets.“AndthisisHattie,myassistant.”
OdettelooksoveratHattieandoffersheragenuinesmile.“Hattie,whatabeautifulname.It’snicetomeetyou.”
“Youtoo,”Hattiesaysasshemovesaninchclosertome.
“Well,whydon’twegetyouintohairandmakeup,Hayes?Wardrobe,asyouknow,isprettymuchnothing.”Kevinglancesupandsays,“Ah,there’sthebed,they’rerollingitinnow.Letmegocheckonit.Freddie,canyoushowHayesandHattietomakeup?Odetteisallset.”
“Surething,boss,”Freddiesays,cominguptous.“Rightthisway.”Hedirectsusdownahallwayandtothefirstdoorontheright.
Thedoorisalreadyopen,sothemakeupartiststandstoattentionwhenIstepin.“Hayes,howareyou?”Jacklynsays.I’veworkedwithJacklynafewtimesondifferentprojects.
“Great.Howareyou,Jacklyn?Howarethekids?”
“Annoyingasusual,”shesayswithalaugh.Shegivesmeaquickonce-over.“Beenworkingoutalotlately?Youlookbigger.”
“Can’thearthatenough,”IsayasIsitdowninthemakeupchair.“ThisisHattiebytheway,she’smyassistant.”
“Hattie,greattomeetyou,”Jacklynsays.“Whathappenedtotheannoyingguywhousedtofollowyouaround?”
ThatmakesHattiesnortrightbeforeIsay,“Hewasstealingfromme.SoIfiredhim.Luckily,IwasabletohireHattieonshortnotice.”
“Luckygirl,”Jacklynsaysasshestartswipingdownmyface.“Hayesisoneofakind,oneofthesweetestintheindustry.Youcouldn’thavefoundabetterboss.”
Hattiepressesherlipstightlytogetherassheglancesatmeinthemirror.“She’sright.I’mprettyawesome,”Isay,hopingitgainsaresponsefromHattie,evenifit’sjustasmile.Butnothing.
Instead,sheasks,“Wouldyoulikemetogetyousomecoffee?”
Jacklynshakesherhead.“Nocoffeeforthisguy.Justwaterandsomemints.Giventheintimateclose-upswithOdette,you’llwantnothingonthatbreathofyours.”
Fromthecornerofmyeye,IcatchthelookofsurpriseonHattie’sface.Ididn’texplaintheshoottoher,justthatsheneededtobehere.Butthesefragranceshootsusuallyhavelimitedclothing,lotsofoil,andsmoke.Close-upshotsofmyabs,ofmyarms,ofmetuggingonmyhair…
Butthisshootisforafragrancethatbothmenandwomencouldwear.Rubensentmethepremiseyesterday,andwhenIreadthroughit,Irealizedhowdifferentitwouldbe.
It’sgoingtobeintimate.
“Thenwouldyoulikesomewater?”Hattieasksme.
Myeyesconnectwithhers,andIsay,“Thatwouldbegreat.Thanks.”ChapterThirteen
HATTIE
“HowlonghaveyoubeenworkingforHayes?”Odetteasksasshecomesupnexttomeatthedrinkstation.
Iglanceinherdirection,takinginhersoftfeatures,plumplips,anddarklashes.God,she’ssopretty.Talkaboutfeelinginferior.
“Uhoveraweek?”Ianswer,unsureofthetimeline.Ithinkit’sbeenalmostaweek,buthonestly,Ican’tbesure.It’sallmeshingtogether.
“Wow,congratsonthejob.I’veheardnothingbutgreatthingsaboutHayes.I’vemetmyfairshareofassholeswhenitcomestothisbusiness,sowhenmyagenttoldmeI’dbeworkingwithHayesandaffirmedhiskindreputation,Iwasexcited.”
Inodandsmile,unsurewhattosayasIgrababottleofwater.
“Tobehonest,I’matouchnervous.I’vedoneintimatescenesbefore,butI’vesortofcrushedonHayesforabit,andIwanttomakesureIremainprofessional,youknow,notletmyfangirlgetthebestofme.”
“Understandable,”Isayawkwardlybecausemymindisstilltryingtowrapitselfaroundthewholeintimatething.Like…howintimatearewetalking?Andwhyisthisbotheringme?Itshouldn’t.Especiallyafterlastnight,Ishouldn’tcarelesswhatHayesdoesorwhohetouches,butmybraindoesn’tseemtogetthatmemo.Notasasickeningfeelingformsinthepitofmystomach.AsmuchasIwanttohatehimandignorethemanandactlikehedoesn’taffectme,thatwouldbeamassivelie
Withjustoneglance,hecanmakemeweakintheknees.
“I’mjustgladit’saclosedset,”shesays.“Beingnakedinfrontofalotofpeopleisuncomfortable.”
N-naked?
Like…noclothes?
“Youhavetobenaked?”Iask.
Shenods.“Forthemostpart.I’mwearinganudeG-stringrightnowandsomenipplepastiesthatareuncomfortable.Butotherthanthat,I’mnaked.”
“Wow.”Iswallowhardandquicklyglancedownather,noticingherlargerchestpressingagainstherrobe.“I,uh,Idon’tknowhowyoudoit.”
“Normally,it’snotthatbigofadeal,butIdon’tknow,itjustfeelsdifferentwithHayes,youknow?He’ssopopular,andeveryoneseemstohaveacrushonhim.It’slikeI’mfulfillingeverygirl’sfantasytoday.”
Tellmeaboutit.
“Well,I’msureyou’lldogreat.Andifyouneedanything,justletmeknow.”
“That’ssosweetofyou.Iappreciateit.Normally,otherwomenonsethaven’ttreatedmethisnice,soI’mhappyyou’rehere.”
Ismileatherandthenmoveawayfromthedrinks.“Breakaleg…”Iwince.“IsthatwhatI’msupposedtosayinsituationslikethis?”
“Ican’tbesure,butI’lltakeit.”Shesmilesback,anddammit,she’sjustsofreakingpretty.
Dimplesandeverything.
IwonderwhatHayesmustthinkofher.She’solderthanmeandclearlyhasherlifetogetherifshehasagreatjoblikethis.She’sbreathtakingwithherdarkfeaturesandsultry-sweetvoice.Nottomention,fromwhatIsawwithherrobecoveringher,shemakesmycurveslooklikeastickfigure.
IfwestoodsidebysideandHayeshadtopick,there’snodoubthewouldpickherbasedonthatalone,whichmakesmefeelsoinferior…andsoyoung.
WhenIreturntothemakeuproom,Hayeshashisshirtoff,andhishairisstyledinasexy,messywaywhileJacklynbronzeshisface.Heglancesinmydirectionandsays,“Everythingokay?”
“Yes,”IsayasIhandhimthewater.“IsthereanythingIcandotohelp?”
“Yes,”Jacklynsaysasshefinishesup.“Icoulduseyourhelpwithoilinghisskin.”
“Oi-oiling?”IaskasIwatchHayessiphiswater,thecolumnofhisneckcontractingasheswallows,makinghimlookevensexierthanbefore.
“Yes.Itisn’tbabyoiloranythinglikethat.It’saspeciallotionweuse,butIliketogoinwithsomehighlighteronceit’sapplied,soitwouldbegreatifyoucouldrubhimdown,andthenIcanfollowyou.”
Hayessmirksatme.“Youaskedifyoucouldhelp.”
Yeah,butIdidn’tthinkoilinghimwasgoingtobetheanswer.
“Where’sthelotion?”Iask.
“Rightoverthereonthecounter,”Jacklynsaysasshefinishesuphisface.“Thebluebottle.”
Ifindthelotion,andjustasIturnaround,Hayesstandsfromhischair,andIgetagoodlookathim.
Hischestnuthairispiecedout,styledslightlytothesidebutmessy.Asexy,purposefulstylethatwouldstopanyoneinhispath.Jacklyndidn’tdomuchtohisface,butwhatshedidonlyhighlightshislighteyes,makingthemseemmoredangerousandmysterious.Andthenthere’shisbarechest,notafleckofhaironit,smooth,thick,contoured…justimpossiblyattractive.God…Ihatehim.
Ihatehimsomuchforbeingthatattractive.
IhatehimforbringingmeintohislifebecauseIwasdoingfinewithouthim.
Ihatehewon’tevenlookatmethewayIwishhewould.
AndIhatethateventhoughhe’sbrokenmeafewtimes,Istillverymuchwanthim.
Especiallyatthismoment.
Iwanttowalkuptohim,wrapmyhandaroundhisneck,andbringhislipsdowntomine.AndIwanttonotjustkisshim,butIdesperatelywanthimtokissmeback…andthat’swhyIhatehimthemost.
He’smademedesperateforhim.
It’swhyIneedtostayaway.
Aftertodayofcourse.
“Everythingokay?”heasks,aquirktohisbrow.
“Yup,”IsayasIsquirtsomeofthelotiononmyhand,theconsistencynotwhatIexpected.It’sthinnerandhasthatoilytexture,butit’snotpurebabyoil,whichI’msurewillmakeiteasierforhimtogetoff.
Isetthebottledown,rubthelotioninmyhands,thenstepuptohim.Jacklynisbusycleaningoneofherbrushes,soit’salmostasifwehaveasmallmomentofprivacy.Iliftmyhandstohispecsandthenpressmypalmstohisheatedskin.IfocusonanythingbuthisfaceasIgentlyrubthelotionoverhisthick,strongchest.AchestI’veneverfeltonamanbefore.Matt’sbodyhadnowherenearthiskindofphysique,andanyoneIdatedbeforeMattwasjustachild.
Hayesisonadifferentlevel.
Amuchdifferentlevel.
“Don’tdothat,”hesaysquietly,catchingmyattention.
Ilookupathimandsay,“Dowhat?”
“Bitethecornerofyourmouthlikethat.”
Ididn’tevenrealizeIwasdoingit.
“Iwasn’tdoingitonpurpose.”
“Well,don’t.”
“Whynot?”IaskasImovemyhanddownhisabs.Hesucksinasmyhandsskimovertheindividualstackofmuscles.
Throughclenchedteeth,hesays,“Becauseit’shot.”
MyeyesshootuptohisinsurprisejustasJacklynjoinsus.“Okay,sorryaboutthat,”shesays.“Ihadtocleanmybrush,butI’mready.Lookslikeyou’vedonehischestsofar,perfect.I’llfollowinclosely.”
Andthen,forthenextfewminutes,IrublotionoverHayes,rubbingitinasJacklynteachesme,andshefollowsalongwithherhighlighter.Theentiretime,IfeelHayes’seyesonme,followingmyeverystroketothepointthatmyheart’snearlybeatingoutofmychestwhenIfinish.
WhenIstepaway,Icanstillfeeleverycontourandflexofhismusclesagainstmypalm.IcanhearhissoftintakesofbreathwhenIpayattentiontoanewpartofhisbody.AndIcanfeeltheblazeofhiseyesonmewhenJacklyngoestowashherbrushagain.
Unabletostandhereunderhisstare,IgivemyselfafewmomentstocollectmyselfasIwashmyhands.Pullittogether,Hattie.Beprofessional.Nooneelseisonthevergeofpantingwhileinhispresence.
“We’rereadyforyou,”Kevinsays,poppinghisheadin.
“Coming,”Hayessaysbutdoesn’tmovetowardthedoor.Instead,hestepstowardmeandplaceshishandonmylowerbackbeforewhispering,“Youready?”
Hisfreshmountainscent,mixedwiththelotion,swirlsaroundme,pullingmeoutofmysafespaceandrightbackintohisworld,whereIfindmyselfdrowningandsearchingforanyairtobreathe.
“Areyou?”heasksagain,remindingmethatI’monajob.
“Yes,”Ianswer,attemptingtoholdittogether.
“Thenfollowme.”Heheadsoutoftheroom,andIfollowclose,watchingeachmuscleinhisbackflexandcontortwithhiseverystep.
Whenwestepintothemainspace,thereisnowafour-posterbedinfrontofanombrescreenofpinktopurple.Sheercurtainsaredrapedaroundthebed,hangingofftheposts,andalargefanisplacedjustbehindthebedaswellasasmokemachine.
Asweapproach,OdettestandsnervouslynexttoKevin,stillwrappedupinherrobe.HereyeslandonHayes,startingathischestandmovinguptohisface.Icatchhergentlylickingherlipsasshepracticallyeatshimalivewithhertemptresseyes.
Hayesplaceshishandonmylowerbackandleansincloseashesays,“Mindholdingmywaterforme?”
“Nope,”Ianswer,andwhenheplacesthewaterinmyhand,hisfingersbrushagainstminerightbeforehestepsuptoOdette,wearingnothingbutapairofjeans.Notevenshoes.
There’snodoubteverywomaninthisroomisthinkingthesamethingasmeIwishIwasOdette
“Wonderful,”Kevinsays.“Canyouundoyourjeans?”heasksHayes.“Ithinkitwouldlooklessformalthatway.”
“Sure,”Hayesanswers,andIwatchhislargehandsundothebuttonofhisjeansandunzipthemhalfway.“Thatgood?”
“Perfect.”Kevinbringsthemclosertothebed,andItakeastepforwardaswell,wantingtoheareverythinghehastosay.“Now,thiswillbesimple.We’redoingalloftheshotsrighthere.We’llstartinthebedbecausethat’swheremostofitwillhappen,andthenafewindividualshotsofyouwalkinginthesmoketowardthecamera.Itshouldn’tbeverylong.Butwe’llneedyoutoholdyourpositionsaswegetclose-upsaswellasdistants.”
Hayesplaceshishandsinthefrontpocketsofhisjeans,whichtugsthemdownjustenoughtoshowoffhisboxerbriefs.“Notaproblem.”
“Okay,let’sgetintoposition.We’llhaveHayessittingonthebedatfirst.Odette,youstraddlehislap.Thisshotwillbefrombehind,andI’lljustneedtoseeyourhandsslidingupherback.Odette,I’llneedyoutoarchandplaywithyourhair.”
“Surething,”shesays.Shethenturnstomeandasks,“Hattie,wouldyoumindtakingmyrobe?”
Yes!
I’dpreferyoukeepitonactually.
“Um,sure,”Ianswerwhilesheundoesit,givingmeafullfrontalviewofhernakedbodyotherthanathinstrapoffabricbetweenherlegsandtwopastiesrightonhernipples.Jesus,hertitsareperkyandhuge,andeverythingIcouldeverdreamof.Herstomachisflat,toned,andherlegsarelongandlithelikeaballerina.Quietly,sheasks,“DoIlookokay?”
Iswallow,myjealousyrearingitsuglyheadasIrealizeI’mgoingtohavetowatchHayesfondlethiswoman,thisgorgeous,everything-I-wish-I-waswoman.Ismilekindlyatherandsay,“Youlookamazing.”
Sheplacesherhandonmyforearmandwhispers,“Thankyou.”
ShethenturnsandfacesHayes.Iwatchhiseyesasheslowlytakesherinandthenclearshisthroatasshegetsuponthebedandstraddleshislap.Hishandsimmediatelyfalltoherhipsandhiseyesfixateonherface.
IfisttherobetightlyasKevinpositionsthecamerabehindthem,andhecallsaroundforproductiontoturnonthesmokemachineandforthemusictostart,whichisTaylorSwift’sDon’tBlameMe,andheinstructsOdettetoliftherhairashecallsaction.
Odettereachesupandgripsherhairasshetiltsherheadback.Hayes’shandsslowlyslideupherback,andKevincallsout,“Moveinclosetoher,Hayes,andpresskissestoherneck.”
Pardonme?
He’sgoingtokissher?
Andasifhedoesn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit,heleanscloserandgentlymoveshismouthalongherneck,kissingandslidinghishandsupfarther.
“Justlikethat,”Kevinsays.“Keepkissingherand…ugh,Hattie,canyoujumpinandlowerherG-string?I’dlovetoseealittleofherass.”
“Ican,”HayessaysasheslideshishandsdownOdette’sbodyandmoveshishandunderherG-string,loweringsoyougetafullpictureofherbutt.
“Great.Nowgobacktokissingherneck.Slideyourhandsupherback,thendowntoherass.Yes,perfect,Hayes.Digyourfingersintoherbackside.Let’sgetazoomed-inshotofthat.Great.”Kevincontinuestodirectthemuntilhecallscut.Hayesleansbackagainsttheheadboard,andOdettewhisperssomethingtohim.
Iseehimnodandthensaysomethingbacktoher,butIcan’ttellwhatitis.He’sprobablyapologizingforbeinghard.Becausehowcouldhenotbehard?Odetteisbreathtaking,andhe’skissingher,feelingherupwhileshestraddleshislap.Hehastobehard.
Andthatmakesmesicktomystomach
AsmuchasI’dlovetosaywatchinghimfondleanotherwomandoesn’tbothermeatall,I’dbelying.Thisbothersme.
Tremendously.
BecauseOdetteisgettingeverythingIwishIcouldhavewithHayeswithouteventrying.
“Jacklyn,makeupcheckbeforewegettothenextposition.Hattie,bringOdetteherrobe,”Kevincallsout.
“I’mgood,”shesaysasshemovestothesideofthebedwhereJacklyntouchesherup.MyeyesfalltoHayes,withhisheadproppedupagainsttheheadboard,staringupattheceilingashetakesafewdeepbreaths.
WhydidhethinkIneededtobehere?I’macertifiedcoatrackandcupholder.Wasitreallynecessaryformetocomewithhim?IsthisanotherwayofhimshowingmejusthowmuchIdon’tfitintohisworld?Ifso,it’scruel.
“Hattie,”hecallsout.“Canyoucomehere?”
Stiffly,IwalkuptohimasJacklyntendstoOdette.“Yes?”Iaskhim.
“CanIhavesomewater?”
TryingnottoflaremynostrilsoverthemenialtaskIwasbroughtherefor,Ihandhimhiswater,andhethanksme,hiseyesconnectingwithmine.Afteragulp,hehandsmethebottleandthenleansbackontheheadboardagain.
“Anythingelse?”Iaskhim.
“No,that’sit.”
Istepaway,soirritatedwithhimthatIclutchtherobetighterasOdettegetsbackintoposition.Iwatchhishandsslowlymoveoverherskinasifhe’scommittingthefeelofhertomemory.
“Now,I’dlovetoseeyouflipherontoherback,”Kevinsays,“andhoveraboveher.”
“Sure,”Hayessaysoverthemusic.
Smokebillowsaroundthem,andKevincallsouttome,“Hattie,graboneofthosehandfansandwavethesmokearoundthem.”
Isettherobeandwaterdownandsnagoneofthelargeflatfansandstartwavingitlightlyoverthesmoke,swirlingitaroundOdetteandHayesasKevincallsoutaction.HayesgripsOdettetightlyandthenflipsherontoherback.Iwatchherbreastsjigglefromthesharpmovementandhearhergaspoverthemusicfromhersurprise.Whyisshegasping?Sheknewexactlywhathewasgoingtodo.
“Again,”Kevinsays,andtheyperformitafewmoretimes.Everytime,herbodybecomesmoreandmoresexualizedwiththearchofherback,thepressofherboobsintheair,andthewayherfingersslideuphisthickbiceps.“Great,nextposition.”Kevinmovesthecameratothesidenow,wheretheygetabettershotofHayesontopofOdette.“Okay,fromhere,IwantyoutowrapyourlegsaroundHayes’swaist,andHayes,Iwantyoutorunyourhanduphersideandthenoverherbreastwhereyoulightlygripit.”Excuseme?KevinturnstowardOdetteandsays,“Areyoustillokaywiththeinstructionsfromtheintimacycoordinator?”
Odettenods,ofcourse,becausewhowouldn’twanttobeinherpositionrightnow?
“Hattie,keepwaftingthesmoke.”Ohshit,right.Yourjobisn’ttoscowl.It’stoblowsmokearoundthem.IliftthelargefanandstartwavingitupanddownasKevincallsaction,andIwatchthere,inhorror,asHayes’shandslidesupOdette’sbodytoherbreast,wherehegripsit,causingOdettetoarchherbackanddigherhandintohishair.“Perfect,”Kevincallsout.“Again.”
Mystomachroilswithnausea.
Myeyesaregluedtoeverysinglethinghe’sdoing.
Myheartripsoutofmychestwitheverykissheplacesonhercheek,herjaw,herneck.
Mybreathescapesmeeverytimehispalmconnectswithherbreast,grippingtightly.
Myhopeshattersasshegaspseverytimehisjean-cladpelvispulsesintoher.
It’salltoofuckingmuch,andIfeeltearsstartingtoticklethebacksofmyeyes.
This…thisrighthereistorture.
I’vebecomehopelesslyattachedtothisman,somethingItrulydidn’texpect.Odetteiswrongabouthim.He’sarrogant,conceited,anddrivesmemadmostofthetime.But,atthismoment,IrealizehowmuchI’vecravedhistouch.Hisaffection.Hisfriendship.Him.ButthishasshownhowfaroutofhisleagueIam.Physically.Emotionally.Ifeelso…unsophisticated.Icouldn’tevengraduatefromcollege.
AndIcan’thelpthinkofoneofthefirstthingshesaidtomewhenIfirststartedworkingforhim:hehasnointerestinmephysically.
I’mnothistype.
Thatmuchisclear.
StunningOdette,withherbeautyandmaturity,is.
Itakedeepbreaths,willingbackthetearsandtellingmyselftolookatanythingelseotherthanthetwoofthem
Afterwhatfeelslikehours,Kevinfinallycallstheshootawrap,andinacatatonicstate,IroboticallywalkoverOdette’srobetoherwhileHayesoffersKevinahandshake.“I’mgoingtotakeaquickshower,”hesaystomeandthentakesoff,leavingmewithKevin.
Odettewalksoffaswell,andIdon’tknowwhattodountilKevinasksmetohelpcollectthelinensonthebedandstuffthemincartstobelaundered
Sighing,Iassisttheotherproductionassistant,andwecleanupwhilethesmokeslowlydissipatesfromtheset.Theentiretime,Ifeelbroken,cut,andsoraw…Ijustwanttogohome.SoonceIknowthereisnothingleftformetodo,IwalkbacktoHayes’sdressingroom.I’mabouttoknockonthedoorwhenitopens,andOdettestandsinthedoorway.
“Oh,”Isay.“Sorry,IthoughtthiswasHayes’sroom.”
“Itis.”Shesmiles.AndwhenIglanceoverhershoulder,IcatchHayesslippinghisshirtoverhishead.
Right…
Fuck…Ifeelthetearswantingtoformagain,butItakeafewdeepbreaths.Nothere,notnow.Holdittogether,Hattie.
Itrytosmile,butIknowitdoesn’tcomeoffthatway.Luckily,Odetteisobliviousasshesays,“Thankyouagainforyourhelpandencouragementtoday.Itmeantalot.Andcongratsonthejobagain.Youcouldn’thavefoundabetterguytoworkwith.”Shelooksbehindherandsays,“Catchyoulater,Hayes.”
Hayesnodsatherbutdoesn’tsayanythingashesitsonthecouchtoputhisshoeson.
WhenOdettetakesoff,Istandthereinthedoorway,feelinglike…likeachild,waitingfortheadulttobedonewithhis…adultthings.
Hestandsfromthecouchandsays,“Youready?”
“Yes,”IanswerasIstepaside,lettinghimoutofhisroom,butinsteadofwalkinginfrontofme,heonceagainplaceshishandonmylowerbackandguidesmetowardtheexit.Hesaysgoodbyetoafewmorepeople,andthenwemakeourwaytohisSUV.Iexpecthimtogotohisside,butinstead,hefollowsmetomysideandopensthedoorforme.
Imovepasthimtogetin,buthedoesn’tputmuchdistancebetweenus.Rather,hestepsuptothedoorandplacesbothhandsonthetopedgeasheleansin.
WhenIdon’tlookathim,hegrabsmychinandforcesmetolookhimintheeyes.
That’sallittakes,onelookfromhim,andthetearsfillmyeyes.
Dammit.
Idon’twanttocryinfrontofhim
Idon’twanthimtoknowhowtodayaffectedme.
Butit’snexttoimpossibletoholdbackthefeelingsragingthroughme.
I’membarrassed.Humiliated.Andmyheart…itfeelsbroken.
“Itwasajob,”hesayssoftlyasatearrollsdownmycheek.Hewipesitawayfrommycheekandrepeats,“That’sallitwas,Hattie.Itwasajob.”
“Iknow,”Isay.
“Thenwhyareyoucrying?”
Ishakemyhead,hatingmyselfatthismomentforlettinghimseemyweakness.“It’sstupid.Nothingyouneedtoworryabout.”
“I’mworried,”hesays.“Sotellme.”Whenmyeyesconnectwithhis,hewhispers,“Please,Hattie.”
Damnhim.Atearfallsdownmycheek,andIwipeitawayasIsay,“Youdon’tcareaboutme,Hayes.Sopleasedon’tpretendthatyoudo.”
“That’swhereyou’rewrong.IcareaboutyoumorethanIshould.”
“Stop.”Anothertearfallsdownmycheek.“Don’tbullshitme,Hayes.IsawOdettewalkoutofyourdressingroom.Ifyouremotelycaredaboutmeormyfeelings,youwouldn’thavehadherinyourroom.Andplease,don’tactlikenothinghappenedinthere.”
“Nothinghappened,”hesays,hiseyesneverwaveringfrommine.“Shetriedtomakeamove,butIstoppedit…becauseofyou.”HeliftsmychinagainwhenItrytolookaway.“BecauseIcan’tstopthinkingaboutyou,Hattie.”Heblowsoutaheavybreathandsays,“Ican’tdothis.Ican’tbetheassholeyouwantmetobe.Notwhen…notwhenIcaresomuchaboutyou.”
Ishakemyhead.“Just…stop.Ican’tdothis,Hayes.Ican’thearyousaythingslikethat,butturnmedownandgropeanotherwomanrightinfrontofme.Itdoesn’taddup.”
“Itwasforajob,”herepeats.
“Iunderstandthat.”Iwipemytears.“Butthisjobcomesrightafterlastnightafteryougropedmeandthenmadeitafuckingpointtotellmeyouhavenoproblemcontrollingyourselfaroundme.Doyouknowhowundesirablethatmakesmefeel?”Iwipeanothertear.“Andyoucan’ttellmeyoudidn’tfeelanythingwhenkissingher,cuppingherbeautifulbreasts,basicallydry-humpingherinfrontofthecamera.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Hattie?ThatIgotanerectionwhileoncamera?Yes,Idid.Igotfuckinghard,butonlybecausetheentiretime,Iwaspicturingyouunderme,nother.”
“Ohbullshit,Hayes.Don’tfeedmelies.Afterlastnight,there’sonethingIknowforsure.I’mjustsomeonetoplayaroundwithbutneversomeonetodesire.”
“BecauseIwouldn’tgothroughwithwhatyouwanted?”
“Exactlywhy,Hayes.Yousayyoucan’tstopthinkingaboutme,yetyouturnmedowneverychanceyouget.”
“Becauseyoushouldn’tbemixedupwithme,”heyellsatme,hisbodytakinguptheentireopeningofthedoor.“Becauseyou’dlosethatrelationshipwithyourbrother,withyoursister,andI’mgoingtotellyourightnow,Hattie,I’mnotfuckingworthit.”Hegripsmychin,forcingmetolookathissteel-grayeyes.“I’mnotworthit.”
I’mnotworthit.
He’ssaidthistomenumeroustimesalready,butgiventhatRylandandIhaven’ttouchedthesubjectofHayessinceI’vebeeninAlmondBay,Istillhavenocluewhathappenedbetweenthem.Andit’sbeenyears.AnddespitehowmuchRylandandHayesloatheeachother,Abel’sstillfriendswithbothofthem.Itcan’thavebeenthatbad.
ItseemsthatRowleysarethemastersatholdinggrudges,though.I’veheardnothingfromAubreeallday,soanysisterlyloveIsoughtwithherseemstobeirrevocablydestroyed.BecauseofthedamnclauseinCassidy’swill,andmyownfailure,Ican’tseeanychanceofrestoringarelationshipwithmysiblings.Sorightnow,whileI’mfeelingsorawandwreckedandsoalone,whynotloseeverything?WhynottellthismanthatI’veseenbelowthesurfaceandwhatIsee,Ilike.Iwantmoreof.Hesayshe’sattractedtome,sowhatcanIsaytoshowhimthatIwanthim?Thatheis“worthit.”
Iwetmylips,hisgazenearlytearingmeapartasIsay,“Whatif…whatifIthinkyou’reworthit?”
Heshakeshishead.IthoughtIsawamomentofreliefonhisface,butit’sasifhe’sbeenconditionedtothinkonlytheworstofhimself.Whichheconfirmswhenhesays,“Youdon’tknowmewellenoughtomakethatkindofdecision.Trustme,I’mdoingyouafavor.”Right.Afavor.Thereitis,folks.Hisshieldsareup.Again.
“Idon’tneedyourfavors,Hayes.”Ipressmyhandagainsthischestandattempttopushhimaway,buthedoesn’tmove.“Please,justgetinthecaranddrivemebacktoAlmondBay.”
Ofcoursehedoesn’tlisten.Hebringshishandtomythighandsmoothsitupmyleg.Quietly,hesays,“IfIgavemyselftheopportunitytogiveyouwhatyouwanted,whatIwant,I’ddismantleeverythoughtyoueverhadofbeingwithaman.I’dbreakyou.ThenI’dslowlyworshipeveryinchofyourheavenlybodyuntilyourealizedthatnoothermanwillevergiveyoutheunequivocalpleasureI’llgiveyou.There’dbenogoingbackforyou.”Hewetshislipsashestaresdownatmymouth.“Anddespitedesperatelywantingtoburymydicksofarbetweenyourlegs,Iwon’t.Iwon’tfuckingbreakyou.Because,Hattie,itwouldfuckingbreakmetoo.”
Hepushesoffthecarandshutsmydoor,leavingmebreathingheavilyinmyseat,mymindwhirlingwithhisproclamation.
Hewouldbreakme…Ibelievethat.ButhowwouldIbreakhim?
I’vealreadyexperiencedshortburstsofpainfromhimcastingmeaside.Butknowingitwouldbreakhim?
IknowIshouldn’twantthat.ButI’vehadsmalltastesofHayes-givenpleasure…andsadly,mybodystillyearnsforhim.
Timetogiveup,though,Hattie—somethingyouseemverycapableofdoing.
***
Hayesdroppedmeoffhoursago.
ThecarridebacktoAlmondBaywasquiet.Wejustlistenedtomusicbutdidn’tsayanythingtoeachother.WhenIgotoutofhiscar,heaskedmetocomebytomorrowtofinishwhatIstartedinthelivingroom.IfIwantedtoleaveafterthat,thatwasfine.
IagreedthatI’dcleanuptherestofthelivingroomandfinishthatbagofletters,butwhenIwasdone,Iwasn’treturning.Formyownsanity,Ican’tgoback.
Nowinmysmallstudioapartment,Istareupattheceilingwhilelyinginmybed,thinkingoverthepasttwenty-fourhours,hell,thepastweek.HowdidIgofromdatingonemantobeinginfatuatedwiththewrongperson?Isthatthekindofeffecthehasonpeople?Mustbe,especiallyifOdettetriedtomakeamoveonhim.I’mnotsurprisedbythat,butIamsurprisedHayesdeniedher.
ShewaseverythingI’mnot.Iassumedhewantedtobewithher,tofinishwhattheystartedinthatbed—especiallybecauseshe’severythingI’mnot—butIwaswrong.
Iwassowrong.
Myphonebeepsnexttome,andIglancedownatit,seeingthatit’satextfromRyland.
Perfect.
Ryland:We’regoingtoCassidy’sgravetomorrowforherbirthday.Wanttomeetupanddrivetogether?
Holyshit…it’sherbirthdaytomorrow.Howdidthatslipmymind?Iknewitwashappeningthisweek,butJesus,Icompletelyforgotaboutit.Whatkindofshittysisterdoesthatmakeme?GuiltswarmsmeasItextRylandback
Hattie:Yes,letmeknowwhenandwhere,andI’llbethere.
Ryland:ItooktomorrowofftobewithMac.AubreeisleavingGlendatorunthestoreaswell.MacwantstomakeCassidy’scookiesandsingherhappybirthday.
IsuckinasharpbreathasIthinkaboutwhatthat’sgoingtobelike,seeingalittlefour-year-oldgirlsinghappybirthdaytoherdeadmother…fuck,notsomethingIwanttowitness.ButIdon’treallyhaveachoiceinthematter.
Hattie:Okay.Wantmetodriveouttothehouse?
Ryland:Probablybebest.GrabastrawberryrhubarbpiefromTheSweetLabandanewpuzzle.MacmentionedthosewereCassidy’sfavoritethingstodowithher.
Hattie:Sure,Icandothat.Anythingelse?
Ryland:That’sit.I’llseeyoutomorrow.
IlookatthetimeandrealizeifIdon’tgetoutofbednow,thestoreswillclose,andIwon’tbeabletogetthepuzzleandpie.SoIsliponasundressandshoes,feelingfartooemotionallyexhaustedforanyofthis.
IheadupAlmondAvetowardPiecesandPages.Totheleft,FiveSixSevenEightisbustlingwithmusicasanoutdoorsalsaclasstakesplaceonthelawn.Withapinkfeatherboawrappedaroundher,Ethelwavestomeandmotionsformetojoin,butIpolitelysmileandshakemyhead.
NowaywillIbedoinganysortofsalsadancingrightnow.
IpassSozzled,thesaloon,akabar,intownandconsiderpoppinginforaquickdrink.MaybeIwilltonight.Nothinglikegettingdrunkalonetoblockthefeelingsofhavingtodealwithyourdeadsister’sbirthday.
Rodney’sRailroadMuseumisnext,asmallredshopplasteredbetweentwobuildings.It’soneofAlmondBay’streasuresbecauseRodneyhasspentcountlesshoursbuildingareplicaofthetowninmodeltrainscale.It’sreallycute.There’sevenapersonwithapinkboanearFiveSixSevenEight.Ethelwas“tickled”bytheaddition.
IskippastTheSweetLabbecauseIdon’twanttocarryapiearoundwhilelookingforapuzzleandheadstraightforPiecesandPages,myfavoritestoreintown.Andthat’swhereIgetlostfortherestoftheafternoon.
***
Hattie:Pieandpuzzlehasbeensecured.
Ryland:Thankyou.Whatareyouupto?
Hattie:Goingtogetdrunk.
Ryland:Thinkthat’sagoodidea?
Hattie:No.ButafterattemptingtofindapuzzleCassidywouldlikeandpickingupherfavoritepie,Ineedsomeshotsinmysystem.
Ryland:Becareful.
Hattie:It’sAlmondBay,Ryland.Whatcanhappen?
“Haven’tseenyouinawhile,Hattie,”Joe,theownerofSozzled,says.
Itakeaseatonabarstoolandsigh.“Schoolwilldothattoyou.”
“WhatcanIgetyou?”
“Somethingthatwillgetmedrunk,”Ianswer.“Andbeforeyouquestionme,tomorrowisCassidy’sbirthday.Ineedsomethingstrong.”
Luckyforme,thisisamomentwheneveryoneinthesmalltownknowseachother,andthatsimplerequestisunderstoodwithoutanymorequestions.
Joegetstowork,mixingadrink,andIpullupmytextthreadwithMaggie.
Hattie:I’mabouttogetdrunk.
WhatIwouldn’tgivetohaveherherewithme.She’smyrock.Unfortunately,shehasherlifetogether,somethingI’mstrugglingwith.
Joehandsmeaconcoctionandwinksatmebeforeheadingtotheothersideofthebartoservesomeoneelse.AsItakeasip,Maggietextsmeback.
Ooof,that’sstrong,justthewayIneedit.
Maggie:Alone?
Hattie:Yup.Justmeandmyphone.
Maggie:Cassidy’sbirthday?
Hattie:Yeah.Ihadtopickoutapuzzleshemightlikeandherfavoritepie.Idroppedthemoffatmyapartmentandthencamestraighttothebar.
Maggie:Understandable.Isthereanyotherreasonyou’redrinking…
Hattie:Ifyou’rereferringtoHayes,theanswerisno.
Maggie:Good.Hedoesn’tdeserveyourdrunkenness.
Hattie:Hedoesn’t!Hedeservesnothing.Eventhoughhesaidthisonethingtometodaythatmademewanttosimultaneouslypunchhimintheesophagusandpulldownhispantstosuckhisdick.
Maggie:That’squiteaspectrum.Whatwasit?
Hattie:Justhowmuchhewantsmebutwon’thavemebecauseofRyland.Anyway,Idon’twanttotalkabouthim.Ijustwanttodrink.
Itipbackmydrinkandquicklygulpitdown.Yup,it’sgoingtobeoneofthosenights.IflagdownJoewithawaveandpointatmyemptyglass.Hiseyesreadshock,buthenods,lettingmeknowhe’llfillmerightup.
Maggie:Whatareyoudrinking?
Hattie:Can’tbesure,butit’sstrong.
Maggie:Pleasedon’tdrinktoomuchthatyouendupsiftingthroughadumpsterlookingforfood.
Hattie:Thathappenedonetime,Maggie.AndIthoughtthedumpsterwasafridge,soyoucan’tblameme.
Maggie:Yes…yes,Ican.I’veneverseenanythingsovileinmylife.Yousmelledlikerottencheesecurdwhenyoufinallyresurrected.
Hattie:Somepeoplelikethatsmell.
Maggie:Noonelikesthatsmell.
Joebringsmeanotherdrink,andIthankhimbeforetakinganotherlargesip.Hethenreturnsandplacesabowlofpretzelsbeforeme.Smartman.IpickoneupandtakeabiteasItextMaggieback.
Hattie:Didyouknowtherearejobswhereyoucanbepracticallynakedanddry-humpfamouspeople?
Maggie:Areyoutalkingaboutstripclubs?BecauseIknowwhatthoseare.
Hattie:No.Thatgirl,Odette,rodeHayeshardtoday.Igottowatchhimpalmherhugeboob.
Maggie:Nooooooo,youdid?
Hattie:Yup!Abigoldbreast,rightinhishand.Butit’sokay.Shewaswearingnipplepasties.
Maggie:Thatwasthefragrancecommercial?Didtheyhappentosaywhenthat’scomingout?I’dbeinterestedinviewingit.
Hattie:Maggie!
Maggie:Sorry,you’reright…howdarehe!Howbigwastheboob?
Hattie:Likethreeofmineputtogether.
Maggie:Oof,that’sablow.Iknowhowmuchyouwishyourboobswerebigger.
Hattie:Wouldithavehurtthemtogrowatouchmore?Imean…whenIwasateenager,I’dpushhard,focusingallmyeffortsonmychesttomakethemsproutmore.
Maggie:That…issomethingIcouldhavedonewithouthearing.
Hattie:AubreetoldmeoncetoputMiracle-Groonthem…andIdid.
Maggie:Icanimaginehowthatplayedout.
Hattie:Notwell.IwassoworriedIwouldblossomweedsrightoutofmynipples.
Maggie:LMAO.Didyou?
Hattie:Ithinkyouknownothinghaseverblossomedonmychestbynow.
Maggie:Yourboobsaren’tthatsmall.
Hattie:ComparedtoOdette’s,they’reseedlings.
Maggie:Weretheynatural?
Hattie:Very.Ihonestlywantedtosqueezethemmyself.
Maggie:I’dprobablyhavebeenthesame.
Hattie:Andgetthis,headmittedtobeinghard.Granted,IthinkIwasevenhardwatchingitallgodown,althoughIwastooripewithjealousy,anger,andnauseatonoticejusthowhardIwas.
Maggie:Canyoustopsayingyouwerehard?Idon’tlikethat.
Hattie:It’sfacts.
Maggie:Sohesaidhewashard.Thatwasgenerousofhimtosharethatwithyou.
Hattie:Sortofprieditoutofhim.It’salongstory.Eitherway,hesaiditwasbecausehewasthinkingofmethewholetime.I’mgoingtotellyourightnow,ifhewasthinkingofmewhilesqueezingthatvoluptuoustit,he’sgoingtobedisappointed…well,Imean,notthathewilleversqueezemyboob.Huh,actuallyhedid…
Maggie:Uh,whatnow?
Hattie:**SIGHS**Itwaslastnight.Weendedupsharingabed,anotherlongstory,andhesqueezedmyboobinanotheroneofthoseteasingsituations.I’llbehonest,Iwasreadytositrightonhisface.
Idowntherestofmydrink,andJoe,thegoodmanheis,bringsmeanother
Maggie:Ihaven’teversatonaman’sface,butthebridalpartyIwasworkingwiththeotherdaytalkedaboutsittingonfaces.
Hattie:Didyougetanygooddetailonhowtoexecutethefacesitting?
Maggie:Theyjusttextedtheirguys.Theydiditwhileatknittingclub.
Hattie:Doesknittinggiveyouconfidence?
Maggie:Noidea,butitmakesmewanttotryit
Hattie:Whataboutcrochet?Whatkindofconfidencedoesthatgiveyou?
Maggie:Ifeellikeknittinggivesyoumoreconfidencebecauseyou’reusingtwosticksinsteadofone.
Hattie:Hmm…howaboutneedlepoint?Whatdoesthatdotoyou?
Maggie:Makeyouloseyoureyesight.
Hattie:Maybethat’sthewaytogothen.IfIlosemyeyesight,Iwon’teverhavetolookatHayesagain.
Maggie:Frankly,it’sasolidplan.Whatabouthissongs,though?
Hattie:Icanescapethoseeasily.
Iliftmyglassjustasachordstrikesthroughthespeakers.
Whatthe…
Iglanceoveratthestage,andsureenough,Hayessitsonastool,aspotlighthighlightinghiminthatstupidbackwardhatofhis,holdingaguitar.
“Whatthefuck?”Imuttertomyselfaspeopleinthebarstartcheeringandgrowingclosertothestage.Whathappenedtothistownnotlikinghim?
Notquiteseeingthat.
Hattie:DearGod,Mags…he’shere.
Maggie:Who?Hayes?
Hattie:YES!Andhe’sonstage,abouttosingafreakingsong.
Maggie:Whataretheodds?Justwhenyouclaimyoucanescapehismusic.It’salmostasifanauthorisfuckingaroundwithyourlife,pullingallthestrings.
Hattie:WhatdoIdo?
Maggie:Well,depends.Youcanshowhimhowmuchyouhatehimbytakingyourshoeoffandthrowingitathim.
Hattie:Tempting.
Maggie:Youcanboohimoffthestage,butthatmightgetyoukickedoutofthebar,andfromwhatI’vebeenabletogather,ourgoaltonightistostayasclosetoalcoholaspossible.
Hattie:Correct.
Maggie:Sothen,theshoeseemspromising,oryoucanjustlistentohim…
Hattie:Andthinkaboutthefactthathe’sturnedmedownlikethreetimesatthispoint?Thatseemslikefun.
Maggie:Threetimes?Okay,Ithinkweneedtohaveadifferentgoalwhenitcomestothisman.He’sclearlynothelping.
Hattie:No,he’snot,andwhyisheevenplayingmusicatthebar?Healwayssaysnoonelikeshim,sowhat’shedoing?
Maggie:Maybetryingtosparksomecreativejuices.Isn’thestrugglingwithwriting?
Hattie:Canyounotdefendhim?Iknowyouhaveahard-onforhim,butcomeon,Mags.
Maggie:Stopsayingwomenhavehard-ons!AndIwasn’tdefendinghim,justtryingtostatethefacts.
“Thanksforhavingmetonight,”Hayessaysintothemicrophoneashestrumshisguitar.“ThissongisdedicatedtoagirlIcan’tseemtogetoutofmyhead.”
Mystomachdrops,andIwatchasheglancesinmydirectionbeforedippinghisheadandfocusingallhisattentiontohisguitar.
Nofuckingway.
Hattie:OMGOMGOMG!!!Hejustlookedatmeanddedicatedthesonghe’ssingingtome
Maggie:Hesaidyourname?
Hattie:No,buthesaidit’sdedicatedtoagirlhecan’tgetoutofhishead,andeventhoughhespenthismorninggropingperfectboobs,Iknowhe’stalkingaboutme.
Maggie:Dear…God…
Hisfingersplayalongtheguitarstringsandthenafamiliarmelodystartsforming.ThebackofmynecktinglesasIrealizeexactlywhathe’splaying.Isetmydrinkdownandturntowardthestage,myeyesfixatedonhimashebeginssingingtheacousticversionofMoreThanaFeeling.TheacousticversionItoldhimIwasabsolutelyinlovewith.
Hattie:He’s…he’splayingMoreThanaFeeling.
Maggie:Uh-oh.
Hattie:Uh-oh,isright.
Iplacemyphoneinmylapandfocusallmyattentiononhim,watchingashisthroatcontractswhilehesings,hiseyesclosewhenhehitsthehighernotes,andhowhisfingerssoeffortlesslyslidealongtheguitarstrings.
Ifeelmyselffallintothistransfixedstatewherethereisnooneelseintheroom,justmeandhim,andhe’ssingingtome,hisvoicefeelinglikeawarmblanketwrappingmeupintoagentlehug.
Myphonebuzzesinmylap,butIignoreit.Nothingcouldtearmeawayfromthismoment,fromlisteningtohim.
Notmybraintellingmetopayhimnoattention.
Nottheaudiencearoundme,probablynoticingjusthowenamoredIam.
NoteventhetextsfromMaggie.
Becausehe’ssingingtome.
“Here’sanotherone,Hattie,”Joesaysnexttome,andItakeitwithoutlooking,bringingthedrinktomylips.Thealcohol’sstartingtocloudmybrain.JustlikeIwanted.
Whileheplaystheinstrumentalsection,myeyeszeroinonhisfingers,howtheyexpertlypressagainstthestringsoftheguitar,ontheconcentrationonhisface,thewayhisteethpullonthecornerofhislip,themusclesflexinginhisforearms.He’severythingIwant,andithurtsmyverylonginganddesperatesoulthatIcan’thavehim.
Thathe’sofflimits.
Thathewon’tgiveintotemptationlikeIsoeasilyhave.
Hefinishesthesong,andthecrowdaroundhimclapsandcheersashesetsdowntheguitarandthankstheroom.Hiseyesonme,hesays,“Iappreciateit.ButIknowyou’rereallyheretolistentoJacobLatter.Soputyourhandstogetherforhim.”ThecrowdcheersasJacob…DeeDeeColeman’sson—theownerofthegeneralstore—walksoutontothestageandshakesHayes’shand.
“Thankyou,Hayes,”hesaysintothemicrophone.“Couldn’thaveaskedforabetteropeningact.”ThecrowdchucklesandthenJacobgoesintowhathe’llbeplaying,butIblockhimoutasIwatchHayesworkhiswaythroughthecrowdandstraighttotheendofthebar.
Heglancesoverinmydirectionandthat’swhenItakeamomenttogivehimalongonce-over.
Wornjeansthataren’ttootightbutnottooloose,accompaniedbyapairofstylishdarkbrownTimberlands.He’swearingaheather-grayT-shirttightaroundhischestbutloosearoundhiswaistandafadedbackwardhat.Hisheavy,darkfiveo’clockshadowmakeshissteelyeyesseemmuchmoredangerous.Andinthebackpocketofhisjeansisapieceofpaper,barelyhangingouttheback.Iwouldn’thavenoticedifitwasn’tforthecontrastagainsthisjeans.Whenmyeyesdrawbackuptohisface,Ialsocatchhimlookinginmydirection.
WhenIgothomeafterhedroppedmeoff,Itookashowerandchangedintoasimplenavy-bluesundresssansbrabecausewhenyouhavelittleboobslikeme,youcangetawaywithit.Ialsoletmyhairdrynaturally,whichhasledtosoftwavesframingmyface.
Hiseyesremainonminefromacrossthebarashelickshislips.
“Youdoingokay?”Joeasks.
“Yes,”Ipracticallyshout.GoodGod,JoestartledmefrommyneedtowalkuptoHayes.Buttheproblemwithasmalltowniseveryoneiswatchingeverythingyou’redoing,soIturntowardthebarandglancedownatmyphonetoreadMaggie’stext.
Maggie:IsitweirdthatI’mplayingtheacousticversiononmyphonewhileyouhearitinperson?Havetoadmit,I’mhardforyou.
Ichuckleandtextherback.
Hattie:Ithoughtweweren’tsayingwomencanbehard.
Maggie:Youknow,Ithinkweneedtothinkofthisasanequalopportunitything.Everyonecanbehard!Also,fromthedelayintexts,I’mgoingtoguessyoueitherstarteddroolingwhilelisteningorfelloffyourchairfrombeingsocaptivated.
Hattie:Neither.Buthekeepslookinginmydirection.He’satthebarnow.
Maggie:Icanfeelthetensionfromhere!Areyougoingtodoanything?
Hattie:No.WhatcanIdo?Therearetoomanyeyesinthisplaceforanythingtohappen.AndIdon’tthinkit’sagoodidea.Ican’tkeepthrowingmyselfathim.
Maggie:Sowhatareyougoingtodo?
Hattie:Getcompletelywasted.
Maggie:It’snotagreatplan,butit’saplan.Bottomsup,bestie.
***
“Joe,”Isay,leaningoverthebarnow,halfmybodyonthecounter,theotherpartsdanglingintheair.“I’mthirsty.Whywon’tyougivememoredrinkdrink?”
“Becauseyou’recallingitdrinkdrink,”hesays.
“Justsquirtitinmymouth,”Isay,pickinguphisbargun.“Righthere,inthegullet.”Ipressoneofthebuttonsandshootastreamofwaterrightintohisbucketofice.“Oopsiedoopsie.”Igiggle.
“Hattie,IsuggestyougetoffmybarorI’llhaveyouremoved.”
Iperkupandwhisper,“Bythecops?”
“I’vegother,”amalevoicesaysbeforetwohandsgripmywaistandpullmebackintoaseat.WhenIglanceuptoseewhodaresinterruptmyfun,IcomefacetofacewithHayesFarrow.
“Gah!”Iscoff.“Theenemytouchedme,Joe.”Islapthecounter.“Areyougoingtolettheenemytouchmelikethat?”
“Aslongasyou’renothangingoffmybar,I’mgoingtolethimdowhateverhewantstoyou.”
“That’snotsafe,”Imumbleandcrossmyarmsatmychest.“Whatifhewantstotiemeupinhissexdungeon?Wouldyouletthathappen?”
Joewipesdownhisbar,whereImusthaveover-sprayedsomeliquid.“ItrustHayes.Ifhetookyoutohissexdungeon,he’dbegentle.”
“MyGod,”IsayasItipbackandstartfallingoffmystool.
Hayesisimmediatelyatmysideandproppingmebackup.
“See,”Joesays.“Gentle.”
“Maybeyoushouldgobackhome,”Hayessaysquietly.
“Maybeyoushouldmindyourownbusiness,”Ireply,shakinghimoffme.
“Hattie.”
“What?”Iask,turningtowardhim.
Heglancesaroundthebarandsays,“Peoplearelooking.”
“Oh…heavenforbidyou’reseenwithme,right?”Ilookaroundaswellandcatchafewpeoplestaring.Iwavetothem,asmileplasteredtomyface.“Nothingtoseeoverhere.Justtheenemytouchingme.”
“Hattie…”hesaysinawarningtone.
“Heneverwantstotouchme,”Ishout.“Neverever,ever—”
BeforeIcanfinish,hescoopsmeup,tossesmeoverhisshoulder,andheturnstoJoe.“Putheronmytab.”
“Surething,”hesaysasHayeswalksaway.
“Putmedown,youanus!”Iyell.“Peoplearegoingtoseeupmyskirt.Hey,whatareyoulookingat?”IsaytoanoldladyI’veneverseenbefore,mostlikelyatourist.“Keepyoureyestoyourself.”
“Hattie,please,”Hayessays,workingusthroughthebar.
“Andyoudidn’twanttodrawattention.Youcarryingmelikeasackofvodkapotatoesisn’tgoingtolessenthestaring.Look,there’sEthel.Ethel,yoo-hoo,”Isay,wavingmyhand.“Yup,thisishappening.Thisrighthereishappening.Soundthesirens.Alertthepress.HayesFarrowistouchingHattieRowley.Weeee-oooo,weee-ooooo.”
“Shutthefuckup,Hattie,”Hayessaysjustashepushesthroughthedoorofthesaloonandwalksmedownthestreet.
“Unhandme,youmonster,”Isay,scratchingathisback.
Hedoesn’tsayanythingbutwalksmeacrossthestreetandbehindthebackofTheAlmondStore.It’snearlypitch-blackbesidesthestreetlightsliningtheboardwalks.Thetownissilent,theonlyestablishmentopenbeingthebar
“Thisisridiculous,”Isay.“You’retreatingmelikeachild.”
“Becauseyou’reactinglikeone,”hesaysashereachesthebackofTheAlmondStore.“What’sthepincodetogetin?”
“AsifI’dtellyouthat.Turnmearound,andI’llplugitin.”HespinssoIfacethepincode,andIpluginthenumber,unlockingthedoor.
Hepushesthroughandthenwithease,climbsupthestepsthatleadtomyapartment.Whenhejigglesthedoorknobanditopens,hegrumblesunderhisbreath.“Youdon’tlockthis?”
“Welockthestore.What’sthepoint?”
Hestepsintotheapartmentandfinallysetsmedown.Istumblebackwardforasecond,buthecatchesmeandrightsmeonmyfeetbeforeItakeaspill.Oncesteady,Islaphishandsawayandpushdownmydress,holdingmychinhigh.
“Howdareyoumanhandlemelikethat?”
“Athank-youwouldsuffice.”
“Iwouldnever,”IreplyasIcatchhimlookingaroundmyspace.“Stopobservingmyroom.”
“It’ssmallinhere.”
“Iknow,”Isay.“ButIdon’tneedmuch.Notallofusneedmansionslikeyou,Hayes.”
Iwalkovertomydresserandpulloutanoversizedshirt,onlytostumbleagainstthedresserandcrushmyfingerinthedrawer.“Motherfucker!”IyellasIholdmyfingerwithmyotherhand.“Ohfuck,thathurt.”Istumbletotheground,unabletokeepmywitsaboutme,andHayesisquicklyatmyside,takingmyfingerintohishand.
“Youokay?”heasks,examiningit.
“No,”IsayasIslouchonthefloor.“Ihurtmyfinger.”
“Icanseethat,”hesayssoftly.“Doyouwantsomeice?”
“No.Iwanttochangeandgetreadyforbed.”
“Doyouneedhelp?”
Ishakemyhead,myangerdissipatingasheholdsmyfinger,thethrobbingstartingtosettle.Ittakesmeafewseconds,butIfinallysay,“That’sbetter.”
“Good.”Hestandsfromthefloorandpullsmeupwithhim.Hehandsmemyshirt,andIholditclosetomychest.“Sooo,areyougoingtochange?”
“Yes,”Ianswerbutdon’tmove.
“Doyouwantmetodoitforyou?”
Ishakemyheadbutstilldon’tmove.
Hebendsatthekneestolookmeintheeyes.“You’renotmoving,Hattie.”
“Iknow.”Isigh.
“Isthereareason?”
Ishakemyhead,thealcoholdoingfunnythingstomybrain.“You…youmademyfingerfeelbetter.”
Yup,I’mdrunk.
Hiseyessoften.
“Mattnevermademyfingerfeelbetter.”Myeyesmeethis.“Butyoumademyfingerfeelbetter.”
“Hattie,”hepracticallywhispers.
“Iknow.”Inod.“You’retrouble,buthowcansomeonebetroublewhentheymakeyourfingerbetter?Idon’tunderstand.”Itwistmylipstotheside.“Ijustdon’tgetit.”AndthenIheadintothebathroom.Ishutthedoorbehindmeandstripoutofmydress,crashingintothecabinetwithmyknee,unabletokeepmybalance.
“Youokay?”heasks.OfcoursehewantstoknowI’mokaybecause…becausepastthetrouble,pastthedenial,pastthefactthathe’smybrother’senemy,he’s…he’samazingandsweetandkind,andcaresaboutme.That’swhathesaid—hecaresaboutme.
MaybetheonlypersonbesidesMaggiewhocaresforme.
“I’mokay,”IsayasIrightmyself.
Ispendthenextfewminutesgoingtothebathroomandbrushingmyteeth.OnceIchangeintomyshirt,IheadoutofthebathroomtofindHayesstandinginthemiddleoftheroom,waitingforme,hishandsinhispockets.Helookssohandsome,sosexy,histricepspopping.
“Well”—Ipullonthehemofmyshirt—“IguessIshouldgettobed.”
“Yes,youprobablyshould,”hesays.
Ourgazeslock,andthisheavy,electricenergypassesbetweenusboth,thisgravitationalpulldraggingustogether,butwherehe’sdoingeverythinginhispowertopullaway,Icouldeasilygivein.
“I’mtired.”
“I’msureyouare,”heresponds.
“Youknow,lotsofdrinksandall.”
“Yeah,Icouldtell.”
Ibobmyhead,unsureofwhatelsetodo.
“Here,”hesays,reachingouthishand.ItakeitbecauseIhavenoself-control,andhemovesmetomybedwherehepullsbackthecoversforme.He’salreadypluggedmyphoneintoitscharger,whichisextremelythoughtful.
AsIsettleonmypillow,hetakesaseatontheedge,havingtoduckjustbecauseoftheangleoftheceiling.Herubshisthumbacrossmycheek.
Ifeelmyselfleanintohistouchashesays,“Whydidyoudrinksomuchtonight?”
“DoIneedareason?”Iask.
“No,butitdoesn’tseemlikesomethingyou’dnormallydo.Wasitbecauseofwhathappenedtoday?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,noteverythingisaboutyou,Hayes.”Although,alittlebitofwhathappenedtodaymotivatedme,maybehalfandhalf.Definitelyafterhesanghissong,Iwentfullonlet’sgetplasteredmode.
“Thenwhat?”heasks.
“Doyoureallycare?”
Henods.“Ifuckingdo,Hattie.”Hisvoicegrowssoft.“IcarefartoomuchaboutyouthanIshould.”
“Isthatwhyyoudedicatedyoursongtometonight?”
“Yes,”heanswerswithoutlookingaway.
“Ugh,”Igroan.“You’resofrustrating.Yourealizethat?Idon’twanttolikeyou,Hayes,butyoumakeithard.”
“I’msorry.”Hestrokesmycheekagain.
“Areyoureally?”Iask.
Henods.“Iam.Trustme,ifcircumstancesweredifferent,youwouldn’tbefrustratedwithme.”
“WhatwouldIbe?”Iask.
Hisvoicegrowsdarkashesays,“You’dbefullofme.”
Isqueezemyeyesshut,hatinghowonesentencemademymusclestightenandgofromloosedrunktofullonaroused
Ibitedownonmylip.“Howfull?”
Histhumbdragsovermyjaw.“Fullerthanyou’veeverbeen,that’sfordamnsure.”
“Showme,”Ipracticallybeghim.
“YouknowIcan’t,Hattie.Ican’tcrossthatline.”
“Butyouwantto…”
Hebreakseyecontactforthefirsttimeanddropshishandfrommyface.“NotaquestionIshouldanswer.”Tomysurprise,heleansdownandplacesasoftkissonmyhead,thekindofkissthatscreamsfriendzone.There’snothingpassionateaboutit.Andallitdoesisangerme.“Getsomesleep.”Hepullsaway,butIgripthenapeofhisneck,holdinghiminplace.Whenhiseyesmeetmine,theypleadwithme.“Don’t,Hattie.”
Itughimaninchcloser.
“Hattie…”
Isitupsomemore,makingitsoourfacesareateyelevel.
“Tellmeyoudon’twantthis,”Isaytohim,takingonemorerisk.
“I…I…thinkyouneedtosleep.”
“That’snotsayingyoudon’twantthis.”
Thespacebetweenuszapswiththeelectricneedbouncingbetweenus,andasIclosethespace,makingsurethere’sonlyawhisperbetweenourmouths,Ifeelthestutteringinhisbreathandtheheatofhisbody.
“Please…don’t.”Hisvoicedripswithdesperation,buthedoesn’tpullaway.Heremainsstill,andthemomenthewetshislips,IknowI’mnotgoingback.
Thisisit.
I’mtakingwhatIwant.
AndIdo.
Mymouthcovershisforthefirsttime,mykissshatteringthefinelinethat’sbeendrawn.Hestiffensundermytouch,butit’sonlyforamillisecondasIworkmymouthoverhis.Witheverykiss,herelaxes,andthentomyabsolutepleasure,hepresseshisthumbundermyjawtoanglemymouthhowhewantsit.
Andhekissesmeback.
Thefullnessofhislips.
Thedemandofhismouth.
Theenergyhegivesme.
Thepassion.
Imeltunderthefeelofhimtakingcontrol,finallygivingintomyneedforhim…andit’sthebestfeelingI’veeverexperienced.
Hislipspart,andIreciprocate,thenhe’skissingmewithsuchintensepassionthatI’mpanting.Thesharpscruffofhisfiveo’clockshadowrubsagainstmysensitiveskinasheopenshismouth,lookingformore,histongueseekingoutmine.Iletoutalongmoan,swipingagainsthistongueaswell,tryingtosoakupeverymoment.
Butthatoneswipeisallittakestowakehimup,andbeforeIcankisshimonemoretime,he’sstandingfromthebed,shoulderstense,alookofdisbeliefinhiseyes.
“Fuck,”hesays,dragginghishandoverhismouth.“Shit,Hattie,Ishouldn’thavedonethat.You’re…you’redrunk.”
“Notthatdrunk,”Isay,desperationclawingatme,tellingmetopullhimbackdown.
Heshakeshishead.“Youreyesareglassy,andyou’rehavingaroughnight.Ishouldn’thave…fuck,Ishouldn’thavedonethat.”
Ofcourse.
Thisishowitalwaysgoes,right?Itakeonestepforward,andhesprintstwomilesaway.
Iknowheenjoyedthatkiss.Ifeltitwithhowtightlyhegrippedmeandwiththewayhismouthworkedovermine.Ifhewasn’tintoit,heneverwouldhavekissedmeback,andneverwithtongue.
Butthisishowitiswithus—hewon’tletthisattractionbetweenusbesomething.
Istareupattheangledceiling,frustrated,andsay,“Justleave,Hayes.”TheshorteuphoriaIjustexperiencedevaporateswitheverylookofguiltIseeflashthroughhiseyes.
Idon’twanthisguilt.
Iwanthim.
Allofhim.
Hishands.
Hiskisses.
Hisheart.
Feelinghisgazeonme,Iturnawayandbringtheblanketsuptomychin,tuckingmyselfawayfromtheworld.
“Youknowwhy,right,Hattie?”hesays.Credittohimforatleastsoundingtortured.
“Yes,youdon’thavetorepeatyourself,butyoudohavetoleave.Don’tbotherlockingup.”
Ihearhimstepawayfromme,hisshoessoundingagainstthehardwood.Isqueezemyeyestight,holdingbackthetearsuntilIhearthedoorshutbehindhim,butwhenthelightturnsoff,andIhearthedistinctplopofhisshoescomingoffinsteadofhearinghimwalkdownthestairs,Igrowconfused.
Whatishedoing?
Iturnaroundjustintimetoseehimgrabapillowfromachairinthecorner,andheplopsitonthefloornexttothebed.Withathrowblanketinhand,heliesonthefloor.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskhim.
“Goingtosleep.”
“Whyaren’tyouleaving?”
“BecauseIdon’twanttoleave.Notwhenyou’redrunk.Notwhenyou’reclearlygoingthroughsomething.Iwanttobehereforyou.”
“Butthat’sthething,Hayes,”Isay,unabletoholdbackmyemotionsclawingatmytightthroat.“Idon’twantyoutobehereforme.Idon’twantyounearme,notwhen…notwhenIcan’thaveyou.”
“Trustme,Hattie,youhavemeineveryfuckingway.Whetheryouwanttobelieveitornot.”
“IfIhadyou,thenyouwouldn’tbesleepingonthefloor.”
“You’reright.”Hestandsfromthefloorandliftsthecoverstomybed.WhenIlookupathim,henodstowardtheslantedceiling.“Scootover.”
“Hayes.”
“Youwanttoseehowyouownme?Thisisit.Nowscootover.”
Ibiteonmybottomlipandcontemplatetheimplicationsofthis.IfIscootoverandheliesdownnexttome,Idon’tthinkI’lleverbeabletogetoverthefeelofhimtuckedinbehindme,butifIdon’tscootover,Igiveupthechanceofbeingabletofeelhimwrappedaroundmeallnight.
Mymuddledbraincan’tquiteseemtofigureoutjusthowbadthismightbe,soinsteadofproperlyweighingtheprosandcons,Iscootover,andheslipsinbehindme,wrappinghisbulkyarmaroundmywaistandpullingmeinclosetohischest.
“Thisiswhatyouwant,isn’tit?”heasks,hismouthrightnexttomyear.
“Iwantmore,”Isay.
“Ican’tgiveyoumore,especiallywhenyou’redrunk.ButI’mwillingtogiveyouthis.”Hishandslipsundermyshirt,andhispalmpressesagainstmystomach.Thewarmfeelofhisgripsoothesmyachingsoulimmediately.
“IfthisisallIcanget,thenI’lltakeit,”Isayrightbeforeturningtowardhimandtakingonemorechance.Ikisshislips,andthankfully,hedoesn’tturnaway.HeletsmeexploreforafewsecondsbeforeIpullback.
Hesighsheavily,histeethtuggingonhislowerlip,andwhenIstarttoturnaround,hestopsme,bringinghishandtothebackofmyheadandcoveringmymouthagainwithhis.
Imeltintohishold,knowingthisistemporarybecausehedoesn’tpartmymouthwithhistongue.Hedoesn’tdeepenthekiss,justskimsthesurfaceofwhatcouldbesomuchmorebeforeheendsthekiss.
Hiseyesboreintomine,theexpressioninthemsosadthatIcan’ttakeitandturnbackaround.
Hisgriponmetightensasheburieshisheadintomyhair.
“Fuck…Ilikeyou,Hattie.”
Myheartnearlyshatters.Hisrough,torturedvoicepiercesmetomyverycore.
“Ilikeyoutoo,Hayes.”
Andthat’sthelastthingwesaytoeachotherbeforewefallasleep.ChapterFourteen
HATTIE
Theslamofadoorwakesmefromacold,deadsleep.IpopmyheadupjustasIhearfeetstormupthestepstomyapartment,followedbyabangingonmydoor.
Hayesstirsawakebehindmeandpopsuphisheadaswell.
“Hattie,openthisgoddamndoor.”
Fuck…it’sRyland.
HayesandIexchangelooksatthesametimeasfearcreepsupthebackofmyneck.
Thereisnootherwayoutofherethanthatdoor—theoneRylandispoundingon.
AndifIopenthatdoor,andRylandseesHayesinhere,thereisnowayHayeswillbeleaving.
“Iwillbreakthisfuckingdoordown.Nowopenup.”Hebangsagain,andIscrambletogetoutofbed.Hayeshelpsmebyliftingmeoverhimandplacingmeonthefloor.
“He’sgoingtomurderyou,”Iwhisper.
“I’llbefine,”Hayessays.
“Idon’tthinkyouunderstandjusthowbadthisis.”
Hayesstandsfromthebed,toweringovermewithbedheadandsleepstillinhiseyes.“I’llbefine,Ipromise.Openthedoorbeforeheknocksitdown.”
“But…howdoesheknow?”Iask,thenightfuzzyinmyhead.
“YouprettymuchannouncedtothebarthatIwastakingyouaway.Probablytooktwosecondsforsomeonetotexthim.”
“Hattie!”heyells,pounding.
“Fuck,”ImutterbeforeIbrushmyshirtdownandwalkuptothedoor,fearclutchingmychest.Idon’twanttoopenthedoor.Idon’twanttosubjectHayestowhateverRylandmightdotohim,butIalsoknowIcan’tlethimbreakdownthedoor.Sowithadeepbreath,Iunlockthedoorandopenitaninch.“Ryland,”Isayashestaresatmewithmurderouseyes.
Heplaceshispalmagainstthedoorandpushesitopen,justenoughtoseeHayesstandinginthemiddleoftheapartment,handsinhispockets.
“Youmotherfucker,”Rylandgrowlsrightbeforehechargestowardhim.
“No,”IsaytoRylandasIreachforhisarm,butheshrugsoutoftheway,cocksbackhisarm,andlungestowardHayes.
ThesoundofHayes’sjawcrunchingunderRyland’sfistmakesmephysicallyill.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”IyellasHayesstumblesbackward.IgrabRyland’shand,butheshakesmeoffashegoesinforanotherpunch.
“Youthinkyoucanjustfuckmysisterandgetawaywithit?”Rylandscreams,theveinsinhisneckpopping,lookingsoterrifyingthatIdon’tevenrecognizehim.HisfistplowsintoHayes’sstomach,andhebucklesover,lettingRylandgetanotherpunchintohisside.
OhmyGod!
Whyisn’tHayesfightingback?
“Stop,”IscreamatRylandbeforehecantrulydosomedamageifhehasn’tdonesoalready.
Ihoponhisback,tryingtolimithisabilitytoattackHayes,butRylandpullsmeoffandpushesmetotheside,causingmetocrashintomydresser,mybackslammingagainstthehardwood.“Fuck,”IcryasmyeyesconnectwithHayes.Furytakesoverhim,andjustasRylandgoestostrikehimagain,HayesblocksRyland’sfistandreturnsthepunchstraightintoRyland’sstomach.
Rylandstepsbackward,cripplingoverjustasHayesuppercutshimintothejaw,thecrunchingsounddeafening.“Don’tyoudarefuckinghurther,”HayessaysasheclosesthedistancebetweenhimandRyland,grippingRyland’sshirt.Hecocksbackhisarm,andIscreamathim.
“Don’t,Hayes.Please.Don’t.”
Hayesglancesinmydirection,whichisenoughtimeforRylandtopunchHayesinthesideofthehead.Asheloseshisbalance,RylandhopsonHayes’sback,tacklinghimtotheground,wheretheystartwrestlingeachother.
Twolarge,grownmen,rollingaroundonthefloor,tossingpunches,grunting,swearingateachother,andallIcandoiswatchinhorror,crying,beggingthemtostop.
Shirtsareripped.
Punchesarethrown.
Bloodsplattersacrosstheroom.
Ijumpontothebedbecauseastheyrollaround,theytakeoutthedresserandthechair,ruintherug,anddestroytheentireapartment.Cassidy’sapartment.
“Pleasestop,”Icryout,tearsstreamingdownmyfaceasIwatchtwoimportantmeninmylifetrytokilleachother.“Ryland,stop.Hayes,”Isoband,justwhenIthinktherewillbenoendtothis,Abelappearsatthedoor,hischestheavingashetakesinthesceneinfrontofhim.
“GetHayes,”hesaystomeashesacrificeshimselfandpullsRylandbytheshoulders.ItakeamomentwhenRylandandHayesaren’tontopofeachotherandthrowmybodyontoHayes,knowingdamnwellhewon’thurtme.Iclutchhim,myarmsandlegswrappedaroundhimashebreathesheavilyagainstme.
“Letmethefuckgo,”Rylandsays,andwhenIglanceoverathim,mystomachtwistswithnauseaasblooddripsdownhiseye,acrosshisface,andunderhislip.
“You’regoingtokilleachother,andyouhavealittlegirltotakecareof,”Abelsays,thevoiceofreason.That’sallittakesforRylandtoletgoofthetensionandtofallbackwardontheground,whereheclutcheshisforehead.
Hayesrelaxesaswellwhilehisarmsnakesaroundmybacksoothingly,myheartstillpoundingerratically.Quietly,hewhispersinmyear,“Areyouokay?”
IshakemyheadbecauseI’mnotokay.
Nothingaboutwhatjusthappenedisokay.
Ifeelsohopeless.Thatwasso…brutal.
IhavenoideawhatIwouldhavedoneifAbelhadn’tshownupandpulledRylandoffHayes.
IputafewinchesbetweenmeandHayesandlookhiminthefaceforthefirsttime.Hiseye’salreadyswollen,andblooddripsfromhisnoseandaspotabovehiseye.
TearsstreamdownmycheeksasIrunmythumboverhischeek.
“I’mfine,”hesays,understandingmyconcern.“Promise.”
IturntowardRylandnow,hishandsstillclutchinghisheadashebreathesheavily.
“Ryland…I—”
“Don’t,”hesaysashesitsup,themurderinhiseyesgone,andinitsplace…emptiness.“Idon’twanttohearyourapologiesbecausethey’llfallondeafears.Nothingyousaywillmakethisright.You’redeadtome,Hattie.”Herunsthebackofhishandoverhisnoseashebendsforward,stillcatchinghisbreath.
D-deadtohim?
Withoutevenlettingmeexplain?
Myliptrembles,asobonthetipofmytonguejustasHayessays,“Ididnothingtoher.Nothinghappenedbetweenus.I…Iwouldn’tletanythinghappen.”
“Idon’tfuckingbelieveyou,”Rylandsnapsback,theangerpouringoffhim.
“Ofcourseyouwouldn’t,”Hayessaysdefensively.“You’veneverbelievedanythingI’vetoldyoubecauseyou’vedecidedtoassumetheworstaboutmeinsteadofhearingmeout.”
“WhywouldIhearyououtwhenyougotmygirlfriendpregnant?”Rylandshouts.
Uh…what?
IturntoHayes.“Yougothisgirlfriendpregnant?Youhaveakid?Isthatwhyyouguysdon’ttalk?That’sthereason?Wait…”ThedotsstartconnectingasIthinkaboutwhentheirfriendshipdissolved.Itwasafewsummersaftertheirhighschoolgraduation.Rylandwasdatinghislongtimegirlfriendandcrush,SamanthaHorbach,whiletryingtomakeitinthebigleagues.Hayeswasplayingmusicinsmallbars,tryingtogetnoticed.Bothofthemtryingtomakesomethingofthemselves.“YougotSamanthapregnant?”
“Hedid,”Rylandsays.“Andthenlefthertofendforherself.Sheendeduphavingamiscarriageandthenlefttown.Losingherwasthedownfallofmygoddamncareerandallbecausehebetrayedme.”
IcrawlawayfromHayesjustashesays,“Ididn’tdoit.”Hiseyesstayonminetheentiretime,neverwavering.“Ididn’tfuckher.Iwouldn’tdothattoafriend.”
“Don’tcallmeyourfriend.”Rylandstands,andsodoesHayes.
“Ryland,”Hayessays,hisvoicefullofsincerity.“Ididn’ttouchher.Atthesummerparty,shetriedtomakeamoveonmewhileyouwereinPittsburghforagame.Iturnedherdown,andshewaspissedaboutit.SheendedupfuckingNickthatnightinthebackofhisJeep.Iswearonmygoddamnlife,itwasn’tme.”
Rylandpauses,andIcanseehimthinkingitover,questioninghimselfandhisassumption.
AbelstepsupandplaceshishandonRyland’sshoulder.“IsworeI’dstayoutofthis,butwhatHayesissayingisthetruth.IspoketoNickafewyearsago,andheadmittedit.I’vewantedtotellyou,Ryland.I’vewantedtogetthetruthoutbetweenyouforyears,butthenCassidygotsick…Hayes,thisshouldhavebeensettledyearsago.Ishouldn’thavelistenedtoyouandkeptquiet.I’msorryI’veheldontoit,forbothofyoursakes.”
FeelinglikeI’vebeenthroughacarcrashwithterriblewhiplash,IsitdownonmybedandglancebetweenthedesperatelookonHayes’sfaceandtheconfusedlookonRyland’sface.IcantellbyHayes’sexpressionthathewantstobetrusted.AndRyland?He’sbelievedamassivelie…foroveradecade.
“But…shesaidyougotherpregnant.”
“Shelied,”Hayessayssoftly.
MoreconfusionwrapsaroundRylandashetakesafewstepsback,hishandonhishead.“I…Ican’tfuckingdealwiththisrightnow,”hesaysashewipesthebackofhishandoverhismouth,smearingbloodacrosshischeek.“It’sCassidy’sbirthday,andIhavealittlegirlwantingtocelebrate.”
Handstillonhisshoulder,Abelsays,“Cometotheoffice,I’llcleanyouup.”
“Ryland…wait.”
Heglancesoverhisshoulder,notasingleounceofbrotherlylovedirectedatme.“BeatCassidy’sgraveatnine.Don’tbelate.”
AndthenRylandandAbelwalkoutoftheapartmentanddownthestairs.
Silencefillstheroomasregret,guilt,andsorrowconsumemeinachokehold,makingitimpossibletofullyfillmylungswithair.
“Areyouokay?”Hayesfinallysays
“DoesitlooklikeI’mokay?”IaskasIswipeatmytears.
“Idon’twanttohearyourapologiesbecausethey’llfallondeafears.Nothingyousaywillmakethisright.You’redeadtome,Hattie.”He’sdonewithme.Hisownsister.Whatthehellwasallthisfor?IlookatHayes,andonceagain,Iseehiscontriteexpression.Iamsofuckingoverthis.Myhearthasjustbeentornapart.“Youtookabrutalbeatingfromhim…allforwhat?”Itossmyhandsupintheair.“Yousaiditallalong,tostayawayfromyou,nottogetinvolved,yettherewasnopoint.Therewasnoreasonforitall,forallofthis.”Snotdripsfrommynose.“This…thisfeudwaspointless.TheagonyI’vebeengoingthrough,itwaspointless.Thetrashingofthisroomwasallpointless.”Igesturetothefloor,takinginthebloodsplatter,themangledrug,the…
Myeyesnarrowinonanenvelopeonthefloor.Afamiliarenvelope.
“Whatisthat?”IaskasIstandfromthebedandpickuptheenvelope,thehandwritingshockingmetomyverycore.IholdituptoHayes.“Wherethehelldidthiscomefrom?”
Heswallows.“That’swhatIcametogiveyoulastnight,butyouweredrunk.”
Handshaking,Irunmyfingersoverthereturnaddress:CassidyRowley.
TheenvelopeisaddressedtoHayesFarrow.
“Howlonghaveyouhadthis?”Whenhedoesn’tanswer,Iyell,“Howlong,Hayes?”
“Afewmonths.”Hishandsfallinhispockets.
“You’vehadaletterfrommysisterforafewmonths,andyou’rejustnowmentioningit?”
“Iforgotaboutit.Mattgaveittomeontour.Istuffeditawaysomewhere,andIfoundityesterdaywhenIwasshufflingthroughsomeofmyshit.”
“Whydidn’tyoumentionit?Iwouldhavehelpedyoulookforit.”
“Ididn’twanttomakeanypromisesincaseIcouldn’tfindit.”
Iflipitoverandseethatitisn’topen.“Youdidn’treadit.”
Heshakeshishead.“AnythingCassidywantedtosaytome,Ididn’tthinkIneededtohear.”
Icheckthepostmarkdateandnoticeit’sfromaweekbeforeshepassed.Mythroatclosesinonme.“This…thiswasimportant.Youshouldhaveopenedit.Youshouldhavetoldme.”
“Hattie,I’msorry.ThemomentIfoundit,Ibroughtitovertoyou.”
“No,youdidn’t.”Ishakemyhead.“Youwatchedmegetdrunkatthebar.”Hetakesasteptowardme,butIbackaway.“Youshouldn’tevenhavesungasong.Youshouldhavetextedmethemomentyoufounditandtoldmeitwasimportant.”Iclutchtheenvelopetomychest.“Butyoudidn’t.Instead,youtriedtowhat…getonmygoodside?I’dsayseduceme,butwebothknowhowlastnightwent.Ijust…Idon’tgetit,Hayes.Ifyoucaredaboutme—”
“Idocareaboutyou.”
“No,youdon’t,”Ishoutathim.“Ifyoucaredaboutme,youwouldn’thaveeverfuckedaroundwithmyfeelings.Youwouldn’thavestrungmealong.YouwouldhavefoundawaytomakethingsrightwithRylandratherthanlethimbelieveyouwereahorribleman,whichaffectedme.”
“Ididn’tthinkIwasgoingto…goingto—”
“Goingtowhat?Fallforme?”Iask.“God,youcan’tevensayit.”
Hepullsonthebackofhisneck,staringdownatme.“Hattie,I’m…I’msorry.”
“Justleave,Hayes.”Ishakemyhead.
“Hattie,please,”hesays,hiscrushingtonedrawingmyattention.Hisshirtisrippedacrossthechest,givingmeaglimpseofhisbareskin.Therearebloodsmearsacrosshisface,andhiseyesarefullofsorrow.“Please,don’tshutmeout.”
“Don’tshutyouout?Comingfromthemanwhohasdonenothingbutthattomethisentiretime.”Ipressmyhandtomychest.I’msofuckingsickofcryingoverthisman.Iamso,sodone.“Idon’twanttoevenlookatyourightnow.”
Hislipssealtogetherasheslowlynods.Quietly,hepicksuphishatfrommynightstandandheadstowardthedoor,hisshouldersslumped,andwhenhemakesonemoreattempttogetmyattention,Ifeelmybodyturntostone,unwillingtogivehimasecondlook.
“I’msorry,”hesaysonelasttimebeforeheexitsmyapartment,leavingmeinthewakeofthedestruction.
ButIdon’tcare.
Idon’tcareaboutthebloodsplatteredacrossthefloorandtherugthatusedtolayflatacrossthefloor.Idon’tcareaboutthebrokendresserortheupturnedchair,orthepicturesthatsomehowfelltothegroundwhiletheywerewrestling.
TheonlythingIcareaboutistheletterinmyhand.WhydidCassidywritetoHayes?Didshehavesomethinggoingonwithhim?
Withshakyfingers,Islidetheenvelopeopenfromthebackandslowlypulloutafoldedpieceofpaper.Onadeepbreath,Iunfoldit,andthemomentIseeherhandwritingscrolledacrossthepaper,moretearsfillmyeyes,cloudingmyvision.
Itipmyheadback,notwantingtogetanyofmytearsonthepaperandruinherletter.Ittakesmeamoment,butIholdthepaperupandreadonceI’vegatheredmyself.
DearHayes,
IknowI’mprobablythelastpersonyouexpectedtohearfrom,butasyoumightknow—ormightnotknow—I’mreallysick,andI’mgettingmyaffairsinorder.Morbid,Iknow,butasIliehereinmybed,knowingmytimeiscomingtoanend,IrealizeIdon’twanttoleavethisearthwithoutatleasttryingtomakemymark.
IknowaboutSamantha,Iknowaboutthemiscarriage,butwhatIdon’tknowiswhy.Youwereapartofthefamilygrowingup.AubreeandHattieweretooyoungtotrulyknowyou,butIknewyou.Iknewyouwell.Someofmybestmomentsinhighschoolarefrombonfiresonthebeachwithyou,Ryland,andAbel.TheSamanthathingnevermadesensetome,andIknowI’llleavethisearthwithoutknowingwhy,butyouknowwhy.
Andthisiswheremyrequestcomesin.
I’maskingtheworldfromRyland,totakeontheresponsibilityofraisingmychild.AndIknowhe’stoomuchofaproudmantoaskforhelp,buthe’sgoingtoneedit.SofrommybedwhereI’lltakemylastbreaths,Iaskyou,please,pleasereachouttohim.Pleasebreakthisfeud.
GivemethepeaceofmindknowingIcantrustthatyoutwocanmovepastyourdifferencesandbethefriendsyouoncewere.Ifanything,doitforMacbecausethemorestrong,passionate,lovingpeopleinherlife,thebetter.
Thankyou,Hayes.
Cassidy
P.S.Iknowyoudon’tknowHattieverywell,butshecoulddowithafriendlikeyoutoo.Ourwholefamilyhasgrievedyourloss.Pleasebesomeoneinherlifetoo.
P.P.S.She’salsoahugefan.Shepretendssheisn’t,butsheis.IhearherplayingTheReasonallthetime.
Icryandsnortatthesametime.
Why,Cassidy?
Whydidn’tyouleavemeanypartofyou?Yourbabygirl…yourstore…aletter.Anything.
RylandandAubreehavesuchbigpartsofCassidyandknewwhatshewanted.ButIwassentawaywithnothingbutthelargestholeinmyheartthatnothingwillevertakeaway.I’vefeltsoaloneinmydevastation.Withnothingbutsilence.
AndevenfuckingHayesFarrowgotaletter.
Butwhycouldn’tyouhavewrittentometoo,Cass?AllI’vewantedwasyourwords.
Andwhy,ofallthedaysforHayestofindthis,togivemethisletter,doesithavetobetoday?
***
“UncleRyRy,”Macsays,tuggingonhishand.“IthinkIhadtoomuchpie.”Rylandturnstowardherwherehe’ssittingatthediningroomtableandplaceshishandonherbelly.
“Areyoufull?”Shenods.
“Ifeelsick.”
“Itoldyouathirdpiecewouldhavebeentoomuch.”
“ButIneededtoeatmypieceandapieceforChewyCharlesandapieceforMommy.”
“Iunderstand,”Rylandsays.“Howaboutwerestyouonthecouch,andthenwecanmakethecookieswhenyou’refeelingbetter?”
“CanIwatchashow?”
“Yes.”HeglancesatAubree.“Canyouhelpherout?”
Aubreestands,pattingherstomach.“Icouldusetheresttoo.”Together,theywalkofftothelivingroom,leavingmealonewithRyland.
Wedidn’tmentionanythingabouttheearlymorningwake-upcallwhenIarrivedatthegraveearlier.HeexplainedtoMacthatheranintoadoor,andthat’swhyhisfacewasbruisedandhehadastitchabovehiseye.Sheaskedhimwhyonearthhewouldrunintoadoor,andhetoldheritwasbecausehewasn’tpayingattention.
Meanwhile,IfeltAubreestaringmedown,notnecessarilyangrybutconfused.Ithinkwe’reallconfusedatthispoint.WewereabletohonorCassidy.IsilentlysobbedasIwatchedMachugCassidy’sgravestoneforwhatseemedlikeforever,tellingherhowmuchshemissesher.Ithoughtmyheartwasshatteringalloveragain.It’snotfair.Thislittlegirlneedshermommy.Attheglassbeach,MacpickedoutafewstonesforthecollectionshestartedwithCassidy.Wethenmadegrilledcheesesandwichesandhadpieatthefarm.It’sexactlywhatCassidywouldhavewanted.
Allthewhile,theawkwardnessfromthismorningfloatsoverus,andnowthatMacisoffinthelivingroomwithAubree,Iknowit’smytimetotalktoRyland.
“Canwetalk?”Iaskhim.
“Yeah,”hesays,surprisingme.IthoughtI’dhavetoworkalittlehardertogethisattention.ButI’msurehe’semotionallyexhaustedandhasnofightleftinhim.Helookssoexhausted.
Hestandsfromthetableandbringstheemptyplatestothesinkbeforenoddingtowardthebackporch.Followinghim,Iopenthesqueakyscreendoorandstepoutontothesmallbackporchwithaviewofthepotatofields.
Hesitsinoneofthewhitewickerchairs,andItakeaseatintheother.
Hedoesn’tgivemeachancetospeakashestartstheconversation.“Areyouseeinghim?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.ButI’llbehonest,Ryland,it’snotfrommylackoftrying.Hewouldn’tmakeamove.He’stoldmenoseveraltimes.”
Heglancesupatme.Icanseeangerinhisexpression,butthere’salsoheart-wrenchingpain.Thishasbeenaweirddayforhim.“Youweretrying…giveneverythingbetweenmeandHayes?”
Yeah,thiswon’tbeeasybecausetechnically,Ibetrayedmybrother,butIfigureIshouldatleasttrytoexplaintohim.
“Iwanttotellyouthetruth,Ryland,butIneedyoutostayandlistentothewholething,okay?Promiseme,youwon’twalkaway.”
Hisjawclenches,butheleansbackinhischairandnods.“Promise.”
“Thankyou.”IsmoothmyhandovermyleggingsandmentallytellmyselfIcandothis.“Soasyouknow,Ifailedoutofthissemester.Ididn’tknowwhattodo,soIcamebacktobewithMatt,andIwasgoingtofigureoutmypathfromthere.MattbrokeupwithmeimmediatelyandtoldmeheonlystayedwithmebecauseCassidywassick.Hetoldmetogathermystuff,andthat’swhenIfoundtheGrammyhestolefromHayes.Technically,Iwastherewhenhestoleit,butIthoughtI’dbethebiggerpersonandreturnitwhiletryingtogetMattfiredbecauseI’mspiteful,apparently.”
ThatcausesRylandtosmirk,butonlyforamoment.“It’swhynoonewantstocrossyourpath.”
Seeingthathe’salittlemoreateasethanthismorning,IfeelbetterwithmystoryasImoveforward.“HayescaughtmedroppingtheGrammyoffandtoldmethatheknewIwasapartofit.HehadalreadyfiredMatt,andwell,hetoldmeheneededhelpwithsomestuffaroundhishouse.Hewasgoingtopaywell,andIneededmoney.SoItookthejob.”Rylandrubsthesideofhisjawbutdoesn’tsayanything,soIkeepgoing.“Iwasorganizinghislife,andhewastryingtowritesomenewsongs.Prettysurehestillis.Tokeepitasecret,IliedaboutwhereIwasgoingeverydaybecauseIdidn’twantyoutothinkIwasn’tonyoursidewithwhateverhadhappenedbetweenyouandHayes.ButthemoreIgottoknowhim,themoreIsawadifferentsideofhim,asidethatI’msureyousawinhimbeforeyoutwolostyourway.I’dneverknownthatsideofhim,soitwasfascinating,andIstartedtolikehim.”
Rylandglancesatme,andIshrug.
“I’msorry,butIdid.AndthemoreIshowedhimthat,themorehepushedmeaway.Themorehetoldmehewouldn’tgothere.Themorehetoldmethatyou,Ryland,youaretheonewhomatters,nothim.Hewouldn’tletmegrowcloseoutoffearthatitwouldruinmyrelationshipwithyou.”
Rylandslowlynodsashegoesbacktostaringoutatthepotatofields.
“Yesterday,Iwasupsetaboutalotofthings.Iwon’tgetintoit,butIdecidedtogetdrunk.Imadeanassofmyself,andbeforeIcouldhurtanyoneormyself,Hayesbroughtmebacktomyapartment.HestayedthenightbecauseheknewIwasdrunkandwantedtokeepaneyeonme.TrustmewhenIsayhewouldn’tmakeamove.Hemadeitclearhe’dnevercrossthatlinewithme.Whatyousawtoday,whatyouheardaboutlastnightwasjusthimtakingcareofme.”
“IgotatextfromEthelthatshesawyouandHayeswalkingbacktoyourplacelastnight.Isawthetextthismorningandsawred.”
“Icompletelyunderstand.Iwasn’thonestwithyou,anditmusthavebeenashock.I’msorry,Ryland.Ishouldhavetoldyouthetruthfromtheverybeginning,butIwasembarrassed.”
“Sothisentiretime,you’vebeenworkingforhim?Ithasn’tbeenaninternship?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,nointernship.I’vebeensortingthroughfanmail.”
“Jesus,Hattie.”
“Iknow,I’msorry.Ididn’tknowwhattodoafterIfailedmymidterms.Iwasscared,nervoustotellyou.YouandAubreewerealreadydealingwithsomuch.WhenHayesofferedthejob,Iknewitwouldatleastgivemeanexcuseforbeingbackintown.Trustme,Iknowit’snotright,andIfeltguiltywhenIliedtoyou.”
Herubshistempleswithhisfingers.“Soyou’vebeensortingmail.”
“Mainly.”Iswallowhard.“AndtryingtofigureoutwhatIwanttodowithmylife.”Heleansbackinhischairagainandsighs.“I’msorry,Ryland.”
“Iknowyouare,”hesayssoftly.“Noneofthishasbeeneasyonus,andnavigatingthroughwhatIcanonlydescribeasamasterclassofhowtofuckoverafamilyhasbeenagoddamnnightmare.”
“MostlyforyouandAubree.”
“Forallofus,”hesays,nowlookingmeintheeyes.Andthereheis,myolderbrother.Theangerisgone.Thebetrayalhasdisappeared,andtomysurprise,hereachesoverandtakesmyhandinhis,offeringmeagentlesmile.It’senoughtocausetearstowellinmyeyes.“Don’tcry,”hesays.
“Hardnotto,”Isay.“Ithought…Ithoughtyouweregoingtohatemeforever.”
Heshakeshishead.“No,Icouldnever,andI’msorryIsaidsomeshittythingstoyou.Inevershouldhavesaidanyofit.”
“Igetit,”Isay.“Iprobablywouldhavereactedthesamewayiftheroleswerereversed.”
“Nonetheless,itwasuncalledfor,andyoumustknow,nomatterwhat,I’llalwaysloveyou,Hattie.Thatwillneverchange.”
“Thankyou,”Isaysoftly.
Hepullshishandaway.“Howdid,uh,thingsendwithyouandHayeswhenIleft?”
Ishakemyhead.“Notwell.Ifoundthisonthefloor.Ithinkitwasinhisbackpocketandfelloutwhenyoutwowerewrestling.”Iholdoutanenvelopeandwatchhiseyesfallonit.
“What’sthat?”
“It’saletterfromCassidy.ShesentittoHayes.Heknewaboutitandnevertoldme.Wegotinafightoverit,andItoldhimtoleave.”
Rylandscratchesthesideofhisjaw.“Whatdidshesay?ThatshewantsmetobefriendswithHayesagain?”
Stunned,Iask,“Howdidyouknow?”
“Shesaidthesamethingtomeinmyletter,”hereplies.
“Wait,yougotalettertoo?”
“Idid.AubreeandAbelaswell.”
“What?”Isittaller.“Didsheleavemeone?”
Rylandshakeshishead.“NotthatIknowof.Therewasnothinggiventoustogivetoyou.”
“Really?”Iask,feelingthewindknockedstraightfrommylungs.“Whywouldn’tsheleaveonewithme?”
“Can’tbesure.”Rylandpusheshishandthroughhisthickhair.Shereallydidn’twritemeanything.Why?WhywasschooltheonlythingshethoughtIneeded?Theyallgotletters.Everyonebutme.“ShetoldAubreeshebelievedshecouldmakethefarmbiggerandbetterthanitis,sinceAubreecaressomuchabouttheearthandplants.ShetoldmethatI’dmakeagreatfather,andit’swhyshechosemetotakecareofMac,andthenshetoldmetoclearthingsupwithHayesbecauseIneededthehelp.”ButwhatcouldHayesofferthatIcouldn’t?He’sofftouringtheworld..
“WhatdidshesaytoAbel?”Mythroatistight,soIcanonlywhisperthewordsout.
“Thatshewouldalwayslovehim,”Rylandsays,hisvoicetightening.“Theywereclose,closerthanIthinkyoueverknew.Itrulythinktheywereinloveatsomepoint,buthenevermadeamovebecauseshewasmysister.”Hepullsonthebackofhisneck,lookingsickaboutit.“AbelandInevertalkaboutitbecauseIknowhowmuchithurtshimthatshe’sgone.”Hepauses.“ThoseflowersyousawatCassidy’sgravewerefromhim.Hevisitsoften.It’swhyhe’ssoinvolvedinMac’slifebecausehewantstoholdCassidyclosetohim.”
“Jesus,”Isay,mythroattightfromtheemotionsrunningthroughme.
“ButshealsotoldAbeltohelpbringmeandHayesbacktogether.”
“Shedid?”
Henods.“Shedid.She’stoldeveryone.”
“Sowhydidn’tyoulisten?”
“TakingcareofMac,workingattheschool,andcoachingthebaseballteamishardenoughasitis.Reachingouttosomeonetouringaroundthecountrywouldonlyaddtothemessofmylife.Itwaseasiertoignoreit.Easiertostayangry.”
“Areyouangrystill?”Iask.
“Idon’tknowwhatIam,”heanswers.“Thisentiretime,IwasconvinceditwasHayes.Thetransgressionhadhimwrittenalloverit.Atthatpointinourlives,hewasdrinkingalot,doingsomedrugs.Hewasn’tintherightframeofmind,sowhenSamanthasaidhewastheonewhogotherpregnant,itwaseasytobelieve.Especiallysincehestartedtogetnoticedbysomelabels,andI…well…Iwasstrugglingtomakesomethingofmyself.Sam’sconfession—herinfidelity—didmein.Iwasdone.IsettledbackintoAlmondBayandclungtomygrudge,notwillingtoletitgo.”
“Areyouwillingnow?”Iask.
“Idon’tknow.”Hedragshishandoverhisface,avoidingthelacerationoverhiseye.“IthinkImightneedsometime.”
“Iunderstand.”
“Ineedsometimewitheverything,”hecontinues.“Iknowwhyyoulied,butI’mstilltryingtocomprehenditall.”Hiseyesmeetmine.“Butinthemeantime,youcanstayhere,atthehouse,inCassidy’sroom.”
“What?”Isay,confused.
“Doyoureallythinkyoucanliveinthatapartmentafterwetrashedit?”
“IguessIhaven’tthoughtaboutit.”
“Well,you’rewelcomehereunlessyouwanttogosomewhereelse.”
“Imean…Idon’thaveanywhereelsetogo.”
“NotHayes’shouse?”heasksmewithaquirktohisbrow.
“Yeah,Idon’tthinkthat’sgoinganywhere.”Itwistmylipstotheside,thinkingaboutthedejectedlookonhisfaceashewalkedoutofmyapartment.“Plus,Idon’tthinkI’mhistype.”
Rylandshakeshishead.“NotfromwhatIcouldtell.ThemomentIpushedyouoffme,hewentferal.”Rylandtoucheshissorejaw.“NotsureI’veevertakenapunchthathard.”Heturnstome.“Sorryaboutpushingyouaway.Iwasoutofmymind.Areyouokay?”
Inod.“I’mfine.”Andthen,forsomereason,lookinginmyolderbrother’seyesdoessomethingtome.Igetemotional,andtearswellupinmyeyes.Iwavemyhandinfrontofmyfaceandsay,“Jesus,Idon’tthinkI’veevercriedthismuch.”
Hereachesoutandtakesmyhandinhisagain.“You’reallowedtocry,Hattie.Tofeelemotion.”
“Iknow,butIdon’tknowwhatI’mcryingover.”IletoutadeepsighasRylandsqueezesmyhand.“Ijustfeelsolost.IfailedattheonethingCassidywantedmetosucceedat.IfellforaguyIshouldn’thavefallenfor.Ibetrayedyourtrustandmadeacompletefoolofmyself.”Ishakemyhead.“I’mjust…I’mnotinaplaceIshouldbementally,andIdon’tknowhowtogetoutofit.”
“Maybeyouneedtoslowdown,”Rylandsays.“Takesometimetofindyourselfagain.”Hewetshislipsandadds,“AndifyoulikeHayes,maybeyoupursuethat.”
“Ryland—”
“I’mserious.”Helooksmedeadintheeyes.“Lifeistooshort,Hattie,nottogoforthethingsthatmatter.Cassidydidn’tgoafterwhatshewantedoutoffearthatitmighthurtme.AndIdon’twantthesamethingtohappentoyou.IfyoulikeHayes,goforit.”
“Butwhataboutyourrelationshipwithhim?Cassidywantedyoutwotofigurethingsout,toreconnect.IfIgetinthewayofthat—”
“Youwon’t,”hesays,squeezingmyhandagain.
“Doesthatmeanyou’regoingtotrytomakethingsrightwithhim?”
“Imean,forCassidy,Iprobablyshould,butitwon’thappenovernight.Iseethetollit’stakenonAbel,andI’llbedamnedifIgetinthewayofthehappinessofanotheroneofmysisters.Becauseyou,Aubree,andMacareallI’vegot.You’remycore.Imighthavebeenabsent,strict,andbossyoverthepastfewmonths,butthismorning,withthefight,withwatchingMac’sheartpourintohermother’sgrave,it’sbeenaswiftkicktotheballs.You’rewhatIcareabout.Youthreearewhatmakesmehappy.AndIcan’tlosethat.”
“Idon’twanttoloseyoueither,”Isay,tearsstreamingdownmyface.“Ithought…IthoughtyouandAubreeweremovingonwithoutme.GettingAubreetoslowdownandtakeabreathfeltimpossible.YouwerebothguardedwhenIcameback,andIknowwetalkedaboutit,butIdon’tknow,ourlivesareheadedindifferentdirections.IfeellikeI’mclingingon…holdingontoapartofyours.”
“I’msorrywemadeyoufeelthatway,”Rylandsays.“Butinallhonesty,IthinkAubreeandIhavebothbeentryingtojuststayafloat.It’snotanexcuse,it’sjustawayofliferightnow.”
“Thenletmehelp.”
Rylandshakeshishead.“Youneedtofocusonyourightnow.Becauseyou’reonlyasgoodtousasyouarehealthy.YouweresoclosetoCassidy.Youneedtomourn.Youneedtofindwhoyouwanttobeafterthedeathofyoursister.We’llbehere,butweneedyoutofindyoufirst.Iffailingyourmidtermshastaughtusanything,it’sthat.”
“Howisthatfair?”Iask.“You’resacrificingsomuch.”
Rylandshakeshishead.“No,we’refindinganewnormal,andIthinkI’mstartingtocomearoundtoit.”Hedreamilylookstowardtheporchscreendoor.“Theothernight,Maccameuptomeandcuddledonmylap,restingherheadonmychest.ShetoldmeshelovedmeandthatI’mherbestfriend.”That,ofcourse,bringsmoretearstomyeyes.Ryland’seyeswelluptoo.“Ilovethatlittlegirl,andIthinkwe’refinallystartingtofindanewnormal,evenifit’shard.I’mnotsayingwe’refullythereyet,butthere’spromise.Aubreeisthesameway.Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutus.Worryaboutyou.”
IbitethecornerofmylipasIrealizehe’sright.HowcanIpossiblyhelpifI’mstrugglingwithwhoIshouldbe.I’velostsomuchinthelastcoupleofmonths—mysister,myschool,mytoolofaboyfriend…mypurpose.Imightneedtotakeasecondtobreathe.
Imightneedtotakeasecondawayfromeverything,evenHayes,soIcantrulyfindsomeinnerpeace.
“Thankyou,Ryland.”
“Noneedtothankme.That’swhatbigbrothersarefor.”Hestandsfromhischair.“Now,let’sgocheckoutthatroom.”
“Whydon’tyoutakeit?”Isay.“Icantakethecouch.”
Heshakeshishead.“Ican’tstomachit.ButIknowit’ssomethingthatmighthelpyou,beingclosetoCassidyagain.Whoknows,maybeyoumightfindwhatyouneedinthere.”
Hetugsmetomyfeet,andtogether,wewalkintothehouse.ChapterFifteen
HAYES
IstrummyguitarasIlieagainstthecouchinmylivingroom,surroundedbythepilesHattiemadeandabottleoftequilanexttomypropped-upfootonthecoffeetable.
It’sbeenoneofthosedays.
Yesterdaywas…well,itwassomethingelse.
Rylandhasonehellofafuckingrighthook,andtoday,I’mfeelingtheeffectsofit.Abeldidahousecalllastnight,checkingintomakesureIdidn’tneedanystitchesoranythinglikethat.Hejusttoldmetoicemywholefaceandthenwentonhisway.
Wedidn’ttalkaboutwhathappenedexactly.
Wedidn’teventalkthatmuchatall,andIknowit’sbecausehe’stryingtostayoutofit.Idon’tblamehim.IfIwasinhisshoes,I’dbethesameway.
Ilostcontrolyesterday.TheminuteIsawHattiegetpushedintothedresser,Isawred,andIunleashed.Rylandwasmypunchingbagandwebothtookfulladvantageoftheopportunity,allofthatpent-upangerbetweenus,allofthemiscommunication,theyearsofnottalking,itallwasbroughtoutatthatmoment.I’mnotsurewhatwouldhavehappenedifAbelhadn’tsteppedin,butwhenIfeltHattiedrapeherselfacrossmetogetmetostop,Iimmediatelyregretteditall.
Andthelookonherface,thescaredlook,it’sbeenonreplayinmyheadeversince.
Ithoughtabouttextingher,aboutapologizingagain,butIfiguredtherewasareasonshehadn’treachedouttocommunicatewithme,anditwasprobablybecauseshedidn’twanttoseemeafterseeingthemonsterIbecame.AftertheinformationIwithheldfromher.
WhichhasledmetodrinkingaloneinmygoddamnhousewhilemindlesslystrummingmyguitarandwritingdowneverythingIlikeaboutherinmynotepad.
Herfreckles.
Hermesmerizingeyes.
Herstrongwill.
Hertemper.
Herpatience.
Herabilitytoseerightthroughme,tomyverysoul.
Herfuckinglips…
JesusChrist,thoselips.
Iknewthemomentshekissedme,Iwassupposedtopullaway,butnothingwouldstopmefromatleasttastingher.Shewastentativeandnervous,butthemomentIreciprocatedthekiss,shegainedconfidenceandrockedmygoddamnworld.
Itwassoft,tender,andirresistible.Ididn’twanttopartfromher,butIdidn’twanttotakeadvantage.Shewasdrunk,andIknewthekisshadtoendbecauseshewasn’tofsoundmind.
Andyesterdaymorning,whenIwokeupwithherstillinmyarms,Ihadamomentofeuphoriabeforeitwasallflippedupsidedown.
“Youfuckingidiot,”ImutterasIleanforwardandgrabmybottleoftequila.Itakealargeswigjustasacarpullsupinthedriveway.Itrytogetareadonwhoitis,butIcan’ttell.Acardoorslams,andIprayit’sHattie.
Iwanttoseeher.
Ineedtoseeher.
Ineedtomakesureshe’sokay.
Thatshedoesn’thatemeeventhoughIhatemyself.
Whenthere’saknockonmydoor,myheartskipsabeatandIsetthetequiladown.Istraightenmyshirtandadjustmyhattomakesureit’snotaskeworhangingoffmyhead.ThinkingIlooksomewhatpresentable,IopenthedoortoaresignedRyland.
Fuck.
Hiseyeslifttomine,andhesays,“Canwetalk?”
“DoIneedabodyguard?”
HeshakeshisheadsoIlethimin.
Handsinhispockets,hestepsinsideandlooksaround,takinginthepilesoffanmailthatHattiehasmade.
“Fanmail,”IsayasImovetowardthecouchandtakeaseat.Inodtowardthechairthatisclearofpaper,andRylandsitsdownaswell.Hiseyesfalltothebottle,andIcanfeelhisjudgment,soIsay,“Roughtwodays.”
Hetoucheshisjaw.“Same.”
Awkwardly,Isitthere,wantingtoreachforthebottlebutunsureifIshould.Afteranotherfewsecondsofsilence,Iask,“Wantsome?”
“Waswaitingforyoutoask.”
Iheadtothekitchen,whereIgrabtwotumblersandbringthemtothelivingroom.AsIpourusagenerousportion,IthinkabouthowmuchRylandhaschangedsincethelasttimewehungout.He’staller,oddly,withatleastthirtymorepoundsofmusclepackedon,andhehasafullbeard,makinghimseemmorematureandolder.It’sasifwe’vetime-hopped,andthere’snoevidenceofwhathappenedinbetween.
Ihandhimhisdrink,andwebothtakeaswigbeforesettlingintoourseats.
Unabletotakethesilence,Isay,“How’sHattie?”
Yup,I’mdesperateforanyinformation,evenifit’sfromherbrotherwhohatesme.
“Okay,”hesays.“Shemovedintothehouse.”
“Oh…cool,”IsayeventhoughIknowthemainreasonshedidwasbecausetheapartmentiscoveredinourbloodandabuse.“Soyoutwotalked?She’snot—”
“Deadtome?No,ofcoursenot,Farrow.Ilovemysister.WhatIsaidwaswrong,andI’veapologized.”
“Good.”Atleastthere’sthat.Hattie’snotcompletelyalone.
Rylandrestshisarmsonhislegsandlooksupatme.“Icameherebecause…wellbecauseofthis.”HehandsmetheletterfromCassidy,theoneIgavetoHattie.Theflaptothebackhasbeenunsealed,andthere’sasplatterofbloodacrossthecorner.“Readit,”hesays.
MypulseracesasIunfoldthepieceofpaper.
Mystomachdropsfromthefirstparagraph.
IknowI’mprobablythelastpersonyouexpectedtohearfrom,butasyoumightknow—ormightnotknow—I’mreallysick,andI’mgettingmyaffairsinorder.Morbid,Iknow,butasIliehereinmybed,knowingmytimeiscomingtoanend,IrealizeIdon’twanttoleavethisearthwithoutatleasttryingtomakemymark.
Fuck.
Icouldn’timaginebeinginthatposition,knowingI’mleavingsomuchbehindandpreparingforit.Andwhatdoessheaskfor?Tomakethingsright.Tofixthings.Tolookpastmyself,andfindawaytohelpRyland—helphimwithherbabygirl—andbethereforhim.Guiltswarmsmebecauseshe’sright.IshouldhaveofferedtohelpthemomentIfoundoutaboutCassidy.IshouldhavetriedtoburythehatchetthenwithAbel’sassistance,butmypridegotintheway.
Andthen…thelittlenuggetattheendofCassidythrowingHattieunderthebus.Iinwardlysmile.Hattie,thesecretfan,Ifuckingloveit.
WhenIlookupathim,hesays,“Idon’tknowhowtomoveonfromhere,howtopatchthingsupbetweenus,andI’msureashellnotmakinganypromises,butthere’sonethingIknowfordamnsure.I’lldoanythingformysisters,justlikethey’lldoanythingforme.”
“So…doyouwanttobefriendsorsomething?”Iaskawkwardly.
Heliftshisdrinktohislips.“Notsureifwecouldevergetthereagain,butIcanworkonnotwantingtopunchyourfaceinwheneverIseeyou.”
“Fair,”Isayandthentakeasipofmydrinkaswell.“Forwhatit’sworth,Iwastellingthetruth.InevermadeamoveonSamantha…ever.IknowIwasgoingthrougharoughtimewhenitallhappened,butthere’sonethingIcanstandby,andthat’snotfuckingovermyfriends.”
Hestaresathisdrinkandsays,“IthinkIcanbelievethat.Abelsaidthesamething,butyouknowhowitis.Youbelievesomethingforsolong,it’sgoingtotakeasecondtoprocess.”
“Yeah,Igetit.”
Hemeetsmyeyes.“ButI’mgoingtoworkonit.”
“Iappreciatethat.”
Hestandsfromthechairandsetshisdrinkonthecoffeetable.“Okay,IneedtogetoutofhereandpickupMacbeforepractice.”
Ifollowhimtothedoor.“Whatyou’redoing,takingcareofMacKenzie,it’sreallyadmirable,Ry.”
“Iwouldn’thaveitanyotherway.”Hepullsmyfrontdooropen,butbeforeleaving,heturnsbacktomeandsays,“Notsurewhat’sgoingonwithHattie,butI’lltellyouthis,youfuckherover,youhurther,andIwon’thaveonesingleproblemhavingarepeatofyesterday.Understood?”
Inod.
Andwiththat,hetakesoff.
WhatdoImakeofthat?Ishesuggestinghe’dbeokaywithmepursuingHattie?
Afterthecrapwe’vebeenthrough—afterI’vepushedherawayseveraltimes—wouldsheevenwantthat?Me?Ihavemydoubts.I’vemissedher,butI’mfairlycertainIbroughtthatonmyself.
***
Ipacemybedroom,staringatmyphone.
It’sbeenaweeksinceI’vespokenorseenHattie,andnowI’mstartingtolosemymind.
Iwantedtogiveherspace,sometimetocometotermswithhowIacted,butnowthatit’sbeenaweek,I’minpanicmode.Attheveryleast,Iwanttohaveachancetospeakwithherandexplainmyself.ToconvinceherI’mnotthebarbarianshesaw.ThatIdidn’tholdoutontellingheraboutthelettertokeepherfromconnectingwithhersister.
That’swhyI’mstaringatmyphone,tryingtofigureouthowtotexther.
Iquitmypacingandreadovermytextonemoretime.
Hayes:Hey,Hattie.Iknowit’sbeenaweeksincewelastspoke,butIjustwantedtoreiteratehowsorryIam.I’dlovetoseeyouoratleasttalktoyou.
Itreadsalittledesperate,butthenagain,that’sexactlyhowIfeel,sowhymaskit?
Notfuckingcaringatthismoment,Isendthetext,andthenIwait.
Itakeaseatonmybed,watching,waiting,andwhenthetextsaysit’sbeenread,Ifeelmychestexpandwithhope,butwitheverysecondthatgoesby,Ifindthathopeslippingaway.
Andafterwhatfeelslikeanhourwithstillnoresponse,Irealize,maybe…maybeshejustdoesn’twanttotalktome,andthat,fuck,thathurts.
***
“Areyousureyoudon’twanttogooutforawalk?”Iaskmygrandma,who’ssittinginherchair,staringoutthewindow.
ThemomentIwalkedintoherroom,Irealizedhowstuffyitwasandopenedthewindowforher.Shewashappytoseeme,butalsodistracted.Shecan’tstoplookingoutside,andforthelifeofme,Ican’tfigureoutwhy.Icamehereforadistraction,butshe’sbarelytalkingtome.
“Ican’twalk,remember?I’mdying.”
Thisagain…Jesus.
IspoketoAbelaboutit,andhesaidshemightbedyingbecauseshe’slosinghermind.Butotherthanthat,she’srecoveredfromherfallremarkablywell,thankstohernurseaide.So…myrushtocomebacktoAlmondBaywasn’treallynecessary.Inhindsight,I’mgladIdideventhoughthemainreasonIwanttostayisn’ttalkingtomeatthemoment.
“You’renotdying,”Isay,draggingmyhandovermyface.“Abelsaidyouwerefine.”
“Whatdoesheknow?”shehuffs.
“He’sadoctor.Heknowsalot.”
“Asmall-towndoctor,theyaren’taseducated.”
“AbelgraduatedfromStanford.”
“Isthatsupposedtoimpressme?”sheasksasshewatchesacouplewalkalongthestreet.JesusChrist,shelookslikeadogreadytopounceonanythingthatcrossesherturf.
“SomepeoplemightfindgraduatingfromStanfordimpressive,”Ireply.
“Idon’t.AnyonecangetintoStanfordthesedays.”
Alsonottrue,butthere’snouseinfightingher.She’sinaspitefulmoodtoday,soarguingwillgetmenowhere.
“Soisthatanotowalkingoutside?Icanpushyouaroundinawheelchair.”
Slowly,shefacesmeandfoldsherhandsonherlap.“Isthereareasonyou’rebeingincessantaboutgoingoutsidewhenI’mperfectlycontentlookingoutthewindow?”
“Uh,Ijustthoughtthatyoumightwanttoexperienceoutsidefirsthandratherthanfromawindow.Freshairmighthelppreventyoufromdyingsosoon.”
“Ienjoybeingoutsidelikethis.Thatway,Idon’thavetobumpintothattartofawoman,Ethel,whoinsertsherselfineveryone’sbusiness.”
“Icanunderstandthat,”Isay,justrecentlybeingavictimofEthel’smeddling.
“Butifyouaren’tcontentwithjuststaringoutthewindowwithme,Isupposeyoucantellmewhat’sgoingoninyourlife.”
That’sonewaytoputit.
“Perhapsyoucantellmewhyyourfacehasscratchesonit?Areyougettingintotroubleagain?Therewasaruckusthatyouwerefighting.Isthatwhathappened?Yougotinafight?”
“Idid,”Ianswerhonestly.“WithRylandRowley.”
“TheRowleyboy?”sheasks,sittingatouchforwardnow,hereyesnowonmeratherthanthestreets.Iseehowitis.
“Yes.TheRowleyboy.”
“Whyonearthwouldyougetinafightwithhim?Isn’thetakingcareofalittlegirlnow?Youcan’tbepunchinghisfacein.”
Ichuckle.“Ididn’tpunchhisfacein,butwedidgetafewjabsoneachother.Andit’salongstory,buthethoughtIsleptwithhissister.”
Grandma’seyeswiden.“Hayes,youdidn’t.”
“Ididn’t,”Isay.“ButIwashangingoutwithher,andwell,hedidn’tlikeit.Wegotinafight,andthenweworkedthingsout.It’sallgoodnow.”
“Iguessthat’showmensolvetheirproblems,withfistsratherthanwords.”
“Weusedwords…afterthefists,butweusedwords.”
Shegivesmeanotbuyingitlook.“Sowhataboutthegirl?Areyouwithher?”
“No,”IsayonasighasIglancedownatmyhands.“IthinkIscaredher.She’snottalkingtome.Probablyforthebest,youknow?”
“Why?”Granasks,trueconcerninhervoice.
“Well,she’stwelveyearsyoungerthanme,andshe’sbeenstrugglingwithafewthings,nottomentionI’veturnedherdownseveraltimes,soIthinkshe’sgivenup.Ijustdon’tthinkitwasmeanttobe.”
“Sowhyareyousad?”
“I’mnotsad,”Isay.
“Donotlietome,boy,”shesays,holdingouthershakyfinger.“Iknowwhenmygrandsonissad,andyouaresad.”
Itugonmyhair,tryingtoputthisintowords.“Idon’tknow,Gran.Ijust…Ilikedher.Shewasdifferent.There’salotmoreabouthertoknow,butwhatIdoknow,Ilike.”
“Sogoforitthen.”
“She’snottalkingtome.”
Granwavesherhandindismissal.“Thatmeansnothing.SometimesIwouldn’ttalktoyourgrandfatherbecausehewasanidiot,butthatdidn’tstopmefromlovinghim.Youjusthavetofindawaytomendthebridgebetweenyoutwo.Unless…doesthebrothernotapprove?”
“No,Ithinkhedoes.Imean,hetoldmenottohurther.”
Grannodsherhead.“Ah,thenyes,he’sgivenyoupermission.Therefore,takeit.”
“Idon’tknow.”
Sheliftshercanefromthesideofherchairandpokesmewithit.
“Ow,”Isay,rubbingmyleg,butshedoesitagain.“Gran,whatthehell.”
“Isaidgogether.Nowdon’tyoudaredisappointme.Understood?Remember,Ineedgreat-grandbabiesbeforeIdie.”
Right,italwayscomesdowntothat.
“Nowleave,Idon’twanttoseeyouagainuntilyou’vefixedthingswithher.”
“But—”
Shepointshercanetowardthedoor.“Isaid…leave.”
Okay…
***
“Hayes,yoo-hoo,”EthelsaysfromthebalconyofFiveSixSevenEight.“AreyoucomingtothetalentshowthisFriday?”
AftertheconversationwithGran,Ididn’tquitefindthecouragetoapproachHattie,soinstead,liketheself-destructivepersonIam,Iignoredlife,drank,anddescribedHattie’seyesingreatdetailinmynotebook…overandoveragain.Afterthefourthroundoftalkingaboutherfreckles,IdecidedIwaslosingitandneededsomefreshair.ImetupwithAbelattheHotPickleforasandwich,andhetoldmeabouthisdayofremovingaboil,afewwarts,andgivingRodneyatesticleexam.Itoldhimtofuckoffwithhisdisgustingstories,whichonlymadehimlaugh
“Idon’tthinkso,Ethel,”IcalloutasIglancetowardTheAlmondStore,hopingHattie’sinthere.Yup,that’swhatI’veresortedto.CasuallystrollingthestreetsofAlmondBay,lookingforher.
“Shy?”sheaskswithacheekygrin
“Yeah,that’sit.”Ismileback.
“Well,we’dlovetoseeyou,andofcourse,ifyouhappentoregalemewithsomegossipofwhat’shappeningbetweenyouandtheRowleys,Iwouldn’tmindthateither.”
“I’msureyouwouldn’t,”IsayasIstepuptoTheAlmondStoreandpullonthedoor,thebellaboveringingasIenter.Aubreeisatthecounter,hoveringoveraniPadasshelooksup.
Whensheseesme,herexpressionremainsneutral.“CanIhelpyou?”sheasks.
Istandtherelikeanidiot,unsureofwhattosaybecauseIcameinherehopingtoseeHattie,butnowthatIknowshe’snotinhere,Ifeelstupid.“Idon’tknowwhyI’minhere.”
Shefoldsherhandstogether.“Really?Becauseitseemslikemaybeyou’relookingformysister.”
Jesus,nothinggetspastthesesiblings.
AndI’mnotgoingtostandhere,bullshittingherwhenclearlythat’sthereasonIcameintothestore.
“Isshehere?”
Aubreeshakesherhead.“Nope.”
Dammit.
“Okay…well,Idon’twanttobotheryou.”
“Theleastyoucoulddoisbuysomethingnowthatyou’reinhere.”Shesmirks,andIhaveafeelingshe’sabouttomilkthismoment.
Butshe’sright.I’minhere,soImightaswellbuysomething.“Whatdoyouwantmetobuy?”
“Fromthelooksofthedarkcirclesunderyoureyes,I’dassumeyou’vegonethroughadecentamountofalcoholoverthepastweekorso.Maybereplenishwithsomealmondvodka.Andthatshirt,it’sniceandall,butanAlmondStoreshirtmightlookbetteronyou,especiallythelightblueone.Oh,andyoucan’tcomeintothestorewithoutpurchasingafewbottlesofalmondextract,somecookies,andonanunrelatednote,maybehiresomeonetocleantheapartmentupstairssinceyoudestroyedthelittlesanctuarythatCassidyandMacusedtosleepin.”
Shit.HowcouldIhaveforgottenabouttheapartmentupstairs?That’sthereasonHattie’snowlivingwithRyland,right?Becausetheplacesheusedtostayinisdestroyed.
Ipullonthebackofmyneckandstepforward.“You’reright.I’msorryaboutthemess—”
“Oh,don’tworry,Iknowyou’renotentirelyatfault,butRylanddoesn’thavethetimetocleanitupgiventhefactthathe’sraisingachild,coachingthebestbaseballteaminthestate,andteaching,butyouknow,sinceyou’restrollingthestreetsofAlmondBayatthreeintheafternoon,itseemslikeyoumighthavealittlemoretimeonyourhands.”
Ihaven’tspentthatmuchtimewithAubree,especiallysinceshe’sgrownup,butJesus,isshestraightforward.JustlikeHattie.
“Yeah,Icandothat.”
“Andpurchasethoseotheritems,right?BecauseIdohaveabusinesstorun,afterall,andit’sallaboutthebottomline.”
“Putwhateveryouwantintoabag,andI’llbuyit.”
“Risky,Imightringyouupforfivehundreddollars’worthofitems.”
“Ireallydon’tcare,Aubree.”
Shetiltsherheadtotheside,studyingme.Afterafewseconds,shesays,“Youlikeher,don’tyou?”
Nouseinhidingit.Inod.“Yeah,Ido.”
“Interesting.”Shemovesawayfromthecounterandwalksaroundthestore,grabbingvodka,almondextract,andabagofalmonds.Afterpickingoutashirt,shepausesandsays,“Areyoualarge?”
“Yeah.”
Thenshegoesbacktoshopping,evengrabbingmeacookbook,somethingIknowIprobablywon’teveruse.“Thisshoulddoit.”Shebringseverythingbacktothecounterandstartspackingitupinabrownpaperbag.“Youknow,ifyoulikeher,youshouldprobablyaskherout.IheardRylandwouldn’tnecessarilychopoffyourdickifyoudid.”
“Shewon’tanswerme.”
Aubreeglancesup,ahintofsurpriseinhereyes.“Hmm,that’sinterestingaswell.”ShetapsawayonheriPadandthenturnsthescreentowardme.Twohundredfiftydollars.
Yup,Aubreeisaslyone.
Ipulloutmywalletandstickmycreditcardintothecardreader.
“She’sbeenalittlelostlately,”Aubreesays.“StuckinCassidy’sroom.Notsayingmuch.Ithinksheneedstohavesomefun.”
Thechipreaderbeepsatme,andIremovemycard.“Receipt?”Aubreeasks
“No,I’mgood.”
Shehandsmethebag.“I’dsaycleanuptheapartmentandseewhathappensfromthere.Ifshedoesapproachyou,showhersomefun.Sheneedstofindherselfagain,andeventhoughitpainsmetosaythis,youmightbethepersontohelpher.”
“Okay.”Iturntowalkaway,butshecallsouttome.
“Wheredoyouthinkyou’regoing?”sheasks.“Theapartmentisthatway.”Shethumbstowardthebackoftheshop.
Right…
Iheadtothebackandupthestairstotheapartment,whereIopenthedoorandtakeinthemessinfrontofme.Thearearugistwistedupintoaballwithdriedbloodsplatteredaroundthefloor.Oneofthedrawersonthedresseriscrookedandbroken,thechairinthecornerisupturned,andpicturesthatoncehungonthewallarebrokenonthefloor.
Jesus.It’samess.
Kindoflikeme.
I’masuccessfulsoloartistwithashitloadofmoneytomyname,butbeingbackherehasconfirmedsomethingI’vepartiedandfuckedtokeepatbay.I’mamess.ApartfromGranandAbel,Ihavenooneelsewhogivesashitaboutme.AndI’mnotexactlysurprisedbythat,either.
Maybecleaningupthisroomreflectswhat’sneededinmylifetoo.
LookslikeIhavemyworkcutoutforme.
I’venevershiedawayfromhardwork,though,andifGranisright,repairingthisroom—repairingme—mightbethebridgeneededtoalsosetthingsrightwithHattie.BecauseIwantthat.
Iwantthatwitheverypieceofmyheart.ChapterSixteen
HATTIE
IstareupattheceilingofCassidy’sroom,unmoving.
NotsureI’vemovedfromthispositioninoveraweek,otherthansomefoodandbathroombreaks.
ThemomentIwalkedintoCassidy’sroom,Iwasbroken.
Justdestroyed.
Ispenthourscryingonherbed,herscentsurroundingeverythingItouchedorlookedat.
HerlittletrinketsaroundherroomlikethejewelryboxIusedtoplaywithwhenIwasalittlegirl,thesamejewelryboxMacwillplaywith.Herpictureframeslinedupalongherdresser.Picturesofmeandheratmyhighschoolgraduation,whereshetoldmehowproudofmeshewas.PicturesofherandMacwhenMacwasfirstborn.ApictureofallofusinfrontofTheAlmondStorewithanowopensigninourhands.
Thenthere’sthequiltwemadetogetherwithallouroldT-shirts.ThescrapbookImadeforherofMac’sfirstyearoflife.Thetablerunnerswefoundinanantiquestoreonourtriptotheredwoods.Herfavoriteperfumesheonlyusedforspecialoccasions.AndsomanymorethingsthatI’vejustlaidhereandstaredat,remembering,remindingmyselfofwhatabeautifulhumanshewasandcryingoverthefactthatitisn’tfairshewastakensosoon.
Butdespitefallingintoadeepholeofdepression,I’vemadedinnerforRylandandMaceverynightuntilRylandtoldmeIdidn’thavetoanymore.WhenIaskedhimwhy…hesaidbecausehecouldn’teatonemoreburntthing,andhemeantthatinthenicestway.
Icouldn’tevenargue.Istruggledtoeatmyownfood.
Sonow,asIliehere,staringupattheceilingagain,nothelpingwithdinner,ItrytothinkaboutwhatIshoulddowithmylife.AndjustlikeeveryothertimeIthinkaboutit,I’mblank.BecauseI’dhavespokentoCassidyaboutthis.“Iknowyouwantedmetofinishschool,Cass,butwhatthen?Youweremeanttobeherewithme,lendingyourimmeasurablewisdomintomylife.WhatshouldIdonextwhenbreathingwithoutyoufeelstooutterlypainful?”
Myphonebeepstonotifymeofatext,pullingmeoutofmythoughts.IliftthescreenuptoseeatextfromMaggie.She’sbeenafreakingsaintthroughallofthis.She’scheckeduponmeeveryday,multipletimesduringtheday,andhasmademelaugh.She’slistenedandevenusedsometoughloveonmewhenMacwascomplainingthatIsmelledatthediningroomtable.
TheovernightdeliveryofhygieneproductsfromMaggiepushedmerightintotheshower.
Iopenuphertext.
Maggie:Mybrideforthisweekendjusttoldmeshesleptwiththebestman,andshewaswonderingifIcouldhelpbreakthenewstoherfiancé.
Ifliptomystomach,relievedforthebreakinmythoughts.
Hattie:Stop.Areyouserious?
Maggie:Deadserious.Sheshowedmethetextmessagesfromthebestmanwho’sbegginghernottosayanything,butshefeelsguilty.
Hattie:Areyougoingtohelpher?
Maggie:Imean…IknowIsaidIwasfullservice,butIthinkthisisslightlyoutsidetheparametersofmyjob.Ipridemyselfonhappilyeverafters,notbreakingpeopleup.
Hattie:Whendidthebridesleepwiththebestman?
Maggie:Yearsago.Sheandthenow-fiancéwerebrokenupforaday.LikeawholeRossandRacheltypething.Shegotdrunkwiththebestman,andtheydidit.Well,justoral.Shewentintodetailaboutthewholeexperience,andIlearnedatrickortwo.Accordingtoher,thebestmanhasacrookedweewee,whichnow,whenIseehim,Ikeeplookingathiscrotchtoseeifsaidweeweeistryingtofitinhispocket.
Hattie:LOL.Isit?
Maggie:Haven’tbeenabletoconfirmyet,butIshallkeepyouabreast.
Hattie:Obviouslythatwouldbeappreciated.Andtocircleback,ifithappenedyearsago,I’dtellhernottosayanything.Thebestmanisalreadystrugglingwiththecrookedweewee,sohe’ssufferedenough.
Maggie:Greatadvice.Also,itwillonlyruinwhattheyhave,soIdon’tthinkit’ssmarttosayanything.Imean,themomenttosaysomethingwouldhavebeenwhentheygotbacktogether,butshemissedthemarkonthat.
Hattie:IfIwereinhershoes,I’dhaveprobablybeensohappyIwasbacktogetherwiththenon-crookedweeweethatIwouldn’tmentionthemishap.SoIgetwhereshe’scomingfrom.Butthebestman…Imean,that’srough.Doeshehavefeelingsforher?
Maggie:NotthatI’mawareof.He’sbeensuperhelpfulandwillingtodoanythingwhenitcomestosetup,carryingthings,directing.He’sbeentheVIP.
Hattie:Guiltwilldothattoyou.
Maggie:Exactly.Well,thiswashelpful.Howareyou?Burnanythinglately?
Hattie:Rylandtookthatresponsibilityawayfromme.
Maggie:Smart.I’dhavedonethesame.AreyoustillcatatonicinCassidy’sbed?
Hattie:IfItellyouyes,areyougoingtoyellatme?
Maggie:Hattie!YouknowIloveyou,butlyingaroundinyourdeadsister’sroomisn’tgoingtodoanythingforyouotherthancontinuetoputyouinadeeperstateofsadness.
Hattie:Andithas.Ihonestlydon’twanttodoanything.
Maggie:Nothealthy.
Hattie:Iknow,butIdon’thaveanythingtodo,anywheretogo.RylandandAubreewon’tletmehelpwithanythingbecausetheysaidIwon’tbehereforlong,andtheydon’twanttorelyonmyhelponlytoloseit,whichIget.
Maggie:Well,whynotgobacktowork,youknow…withHayes?
Hattie:Iquitthat,remember?
Maggie:Haveyouspokentohimatall?
Hattie:No.IknowRylandhas,butIhonestlydon’tknowwhattosaytohim.Idon’tknowwherewestand.It’salljust…upintheair.
Maggie:Well,thatwon’tchangeifyouKEEPSTAYINGINBED!
Hattie:Areyoutryingtotellmesomething?
Maggie:IfIhavetodriveuptheretodragyououtofbed,I’mgoingtobeVERY,VERYangry.Doyouunderstand?Itwon’tbodewellforyou.
Hattie:Areyoutalkingaboutpullingbackonyourbestfriendcard?
Maggie:Yes,andI’mnotevenafraidtosayit.Now,getyourassoutofbedanddosomething!
***
Iwalkthroughthescreendoorofthehouse,andbothRylandandAubreelookupfromwherethey’reeatingbreakfastatthediningroomtable.Theyexchangeglancesandlookbackatme.
Aubreeswallowshereggsandsays,“Wereyou…wereyououtside?”
IgripmyshoeandstretchoutmyquadasIsay,“Yes,Iwentforarun.”
“Like…exercise?Outside?”Rylandasksbeforetakingabiteofbacon
Maccomesrunningintotheroom,herhandsstillwetfromgoingtothebathroom,andshestopsasshetakesmein.“Youknowhowtowalk?”
DearGod,ifafour-year-oldisinsultingme,thenitwasdefinitelytimeIgotoutofbed.
“Yes,”Isay,asIreachforher,butshejumpsawayandgoesovertoRyland,whowrapshisarmaroundherandpullsherintoahug.
“She’ssweaty,”Macsays.
“Betterthansmelly,”Isay.
“Icanguaranteeyousmellrightnow,”Aubreesays.
“Aren’tyouawelcomingfamily?”
“Wedothebestwecan.”Aubreetakesherplatetothesinkandthenwalksuptome.“Gladtoseeyououtoftheroom.Thinkyoucouldstopbythestoretoday?”
“Really?”Iask,excited.
“Yeah,I’dappreciateit,”shesaysbeforewavingtoeveryoneandtakingoff.
Iheadintothekitchenforsomewater.“Whatwasthatabout?”
Rylandshrugshisshoulders.“Idon’tknow.She’sawildcard.”
“Sheis.”Itakehisplatefromhimandrinseitoffinthesink,thenplaceitinthedishwasher.“Doyouneedanythingtoday?Icanrunbythestoreorrunsomeerrands.”
Rylandshakeshishead.“We’reheadedovertoBytheSlicetonight,right,Mac?”
ShenodsassheducksunderthediningroomtablewithChewyCharles.“Yup,andwe’regoingtoTheTalkiestowatchFrozen.”
IglanceoveratRyland,whodramaticallyrollshiseyes.IthinkthepoorguyhasseenthatmovieatleastthreetimesaweeksincetakingMacunderhiscare.Sometimes,IswearitlookslikeheentersaroomlikeElsa,chestforward,armsspread,butofcourseI’dneversaythattohim.Ikeepthattuckedaway,atleastfornow.
“Thatsoundslikefun.”
“We’dinviteyou,butit’sjustformeandUncleRyRy,”Macsaysassherollsonherback,kickingherfeetupintheair.
“Well,Iwouldn’twanttoimposeonyourdate.”
“AndUncleRyRysaidIcanhaveSourPatchKids.”
“Ifyoueatallofyourveggiesfirst,”Rylandsays.“Don’tforgetthatpart.”
“Pieceofcake,”Macsays.
“Soyoudon’tneedmetodoanything?”IaskRyland.
“Takeashower.That’swhatIneedyoutodo.”
“Stop.”Ipushathisshoulder.“You’regoingtogivemeacomplex.”
“Good,youneedonetogetyououtofthatbedroom.”Heleansagainstthecounterandtakesasipofhiscoffee.
“Hey,Iwentforarun.Thatshouldbesomething.”
“Itissomething,”hesays,growingserious.“AndIthinkyoutakingthetimetomournisgood.I’mnotsureyoudidthatwhenyouwereatschool,buthidingoutallbyyourselfinaroomwhenyou’regoingthroughsomethinglikethatisalsodangerous.SoI’mseriouslygladtoseeyoudoingsomethingforyou.”
“WhataboutyouandAubree?”Isay.“Youhaven’thadtimetomourn.”
“Wehaveinourownway,”Rylandsays.“Hey,Mac?Gogetyourshoeson.”
“Okeydokey,”shesays,takingoff
Rylandturnstowardme.“I’vehadthechancetomournwithMac.Sure,Ihadtotakecareofherwhilemourning,butI’vestillhadthatconnectiontoCassidy.Aubreehasmournedwhilerunningthefarmandshop.It’skeptherbusy,andIthinkbothyouandIknowshedoesthingsherownwayatthispoint.She’snotonetoreallybeinheremotions.Butyou,you’redifferent,andeventhoughI’msadyoudidn’tgettograduatethissemester,Ithinkit’simportanttogetyourheadonstraight.”
“Thanks.Andforwhatit’sworth,I’msorryaboutnotgraduating.”
“Iknowyouwill,”hesays.“That’ssomethingAubreeandIhavecometotermswith.”
“DoyouthinkI’mlettingherdown?”
“Aubree?”heasks.
Ishakemyhead.“Cassidy.”
Rylandsetshisemptycupinthesink.“No.Ithinkshe’dappreciateyoutakingsmallsteps.Losingsomeoneisoneofthehardestthingsahumaneverhastoendure.Cassidywasalwaysaboutbeingyourauthenticself,andthat’swhatyou’redoing.Ifthatmeanspretendingtotakeaninternshipwithmymortalenemybehindmyback,thenthat’sbeingyou.”Heoffersmeateasingsmirkthatmakesmelaugh.
“Andyouknowwhat?I’ddoitalloveragain.”
“Iwouldn’tdoubtit.”Hepullsmeintoahugbutthenregretsitimmediately.“Fuck,you’regross.”
“Shutup.”Ipushathischest,makinghimlaugh.
***
Okay,soIdon’twanttoadmitit,butthosesoapsMaggiesentmesmellamazing.I’llobviouslynevertellherthat,butIkeepsniffingmyskin.Andit’snotlikeIhaven’tbeenshowering,butsteppingoutofCassidy’sroom,allstuffyandsuckingintheairIkeeprecyclingthroughmybody,invigoratesyou.Iswearmyeyelasheshavesomenaturalliftnowfromexperiencingfreshair.
Afteranice,longshowerwhereIscrubbedandshavedeveryorificeofmybody,Ilotionedup,addedatouchofmascara,andletmyhairair-dryintowaves,onlyaddingatouchofoiltotheendsforsometexture.IthrewonapairofjeanshortsandoneofmyfavoriteBostonshirts.WhenIlookedinthemirror,Iwasimpressedwithmyself.Ilookedlikeahuman.
AndnowthatI’mheadedintoTheAlmondStore,IthinkAubreemightkeeloverfromthesightofme.
Ipushthroughthedoorandnoticeafewtouristsmillingabout,butwhenAubreecatchessightofmefrombehindthecounter,hereyebrowsshootup.
Smiling,Iwalkuptoherandsay,“Whatdoyouthink?”
“AmIsupposedtocomplimentyou?”
“Yes.”
“I’mgladyousmellbetter.”
Irollmyeyesandthenjoinherbehindthecounter.“Sowhatdoyouneedhelpwith?”
“Idon’tneedhelpwithanything.ButIdothinkyoushouldseesomething.”Shenodstowardtheback.“Gocheckouttheapartment.”
“Youmeanthetrashedapartment?Ifyouwantedmetocleanitup,Iwouldn’thavewornmyniceshirt.”
Sheglancesatmyshirtandthenbackuptomyeyes.“That’syourniceshirt?”
“Gladyouhavenoproblembeingadicktome.”
Shechuckles.“Justgolookatit.”
Confusedbutalsointrigued,Iheadupthestairstotheapartment.Iopenthedoorand—ohmyGod.It’sspotless.Freshlypainted.Pristine.
Thereisanewdressertotheright,nexttoapink,retrominifridgeandmatchingmicrowave.Anewbeigeandfluffyarearugcoversthehardwoodfloors,whileasoftolivegreenisfreshonthewalls.Anewbedpositionedundertheangledceilingisnowmadeupinsoftwhitebedding,withoneofCassidy’squiltsfoldedontheend.Picturesofthefamilyinblackandwhitehangaroundthespace,andthechairinthecornerhasbeenreupholstered.
It’s…gorgeous.
Ican’tbelieveshedidthis.
Iwalkbackdowntothestore.OnceAubree’scheckedoutthecustomersinfrontofherandsendsthemontheirway,Ipullmysisterintoahug.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat.Whendidyoufindthetime?”
“Ididn’t,”shesays.
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudidn’t?”
Shesmirks.“Hayeshasbeenworkingonitthelastfewdays.”
Ifeelmystomachdipfromjustthesoundofhisname.“H-Hayesdidthat?”
Aubreenodsandleansagainstthecounter.“Yup.Ithinkhelikesyou…alot.Heaskedmeconstantlyifwhathewaspickingoutwouldbesomethingyou’dlike.Heevenaskedforpicturesofthefamily.DidyounoticetheonepicturewiththelyricsofTheReasononit?”
“What?No.”
“Isuggestedthat.Hewashesitantatfirst,butheendedupdoingit.Supercute.”
“So…hedidthat?Forwhat?Forme?”
Shenods.“Yup.Now,I’mnotsayingtorunoverthereandhavehisbaby,butIdothinkthere’sanopportunitythere,andifyou’reready,youshouldatleastexploreit.”
“Idon’tknow,Aubree.I’msuchamess.”
“Youare,”shesays,notsugarcoatingadamnthing.“Butsometimeswhenwe’reamess,weneedsomeonetohelpuscleanitup.Hayesmightbethatperson.”
Ibitedownonmylip,thinkingaboutit.Inallhonesty,I’vemissedseeinghim.I’vemissedgoingtohishouse,hearinghimlightlystrumhisguitarinthebackground.I’vemissedhisteasingandhisinterestinthelittlethingslikehowtomakecookies.
“Icanseeyou’rethinkingaboutit,”Aubreesays,cuttingthroughmythoughts.“Howaboutthis?Whenhewasdone,hebeggedmenottotellyouhedidit.”
“Hedid?”
Shenods.“Yup,hedidn’twanttotakecreditforit,butIdon’tknow,I’mfeelinggenerous.Ithinkhedeservesthecredit.”
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?”Iask.
“Ithinkyougooverthereandatleasttalktohim.There’snodoubtinmymindthathe’dberelievedtoseeyou.”WhenIdon’tmoverightaway,Aubreewalksuptome,takesmyhandinhers,anddragsmetowardthedoor.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Givingyouthepushyouneed.Nowgetoutofhere.”
“Aubree,wait.”Shepauses,andIturntowardher.“Whatisthis?”
“Whatiswhat?”
“This.”Imotionbetweenus.“You’rebeing…nice.”
Shelooksatmeconfused.“AmIsupposedtobemeantoyou?”
“WhenIfirstarrivedinAlmondBay,itwasalmostlikeyoucouldn’tevenbeinthesameroomasme,butnowyou’re…well,you’retalkingtome.Engaging.What’swiththechangeofheart?”
Understandingfallsoverherfaceasshesays,“Youknow,sometimeswhenyou’retryingtostayafloat,youputblindersontokeepyoufromgettingdistracted.Rylandjusthelpedmeliftthoseblinders.”Sheoffersasoftsmile.“SorryifImadeyoufeellikeyoudidn’tbelong.”
“Youdon’tneedtoapologize.Ican’timaginethekindofstressyouandRylandhavebeenandaregoingthrough.Ijustwishyouwouldletmehelpmore.”
“Youwill,”shesays.“Ingoodtime,butfornow,youfixyou.That’swhatCassidywouldwantthemost.”Iknowshe’sright.“Nowgetoutofhere.Ihaveacallwithalawyer,andIdon’tneedyoudistractingme.”
“Alawyer?”Iask.“Everythingokay?”
Sherollshereyes.“Yeah,justsomesemanticstoworkout.Nothingyouneedtoworryabout.”
“Okay,”Isay.“Butyouwouldtellmeifsomethingwaswrong.”
“Always.Andnothingiswrong,okay?Don’tcomebackhereunlessyouhaveastorytotellaboutHayes.”Icanonlyhopeit’sagoodstoryandnotanotheronewhereIfeellikeI’vefailedyouandRyland.
***
IglanceoverattheAdirondackchaironHayes’sporchoutofhabit.Onceyou’rescaredtwice,youdon’tforgetit.Duringthewholedriveoverhere,Iwasaballofnerves.
DoIwanttoseeHayes?Ofcourse.Myhearthaswingswheneverhe’saround,andIfeelittakesoffwithjustoneglancefromhim.Buthe’salsoturnedmedownsomanytimesatthispointthatit’seasytofallundertheimpressionhewoulddothesamethingalloveragain.
Withaveryunsteadybreath,Iraisemyhandtohisdoorandknockloudlyincasehe’sinhisstudio.Fromthelivingroom,Ihearhimsay,“Comein.”
Washeexpectingme?
ThatwouldbeweirdifhewasunlessAubreetoldhim.
Eitherway,Iopenhisdoorandwalkinonlytofindhimsittingonhiscouch,guitaronhislap,hisheadturneddowntowardthestrings,andthestacksofpaperImadelookuntouched.
“Hey,”Isaysoftly,causinghimtowhiphisheadtothesideinsurprise
“Hattie,”hesays,straighteningup.
Okay,sohewasn’texpectingme.
“CanIcomein?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”Hesetshisguitartothesideandgoestostand,butIwavehimoff.
Imovearoundthepilesandapproachhim,takinginthesoftwavesofhishairontopofhishead,thesharpnessofhisbeard,andthesurpriseandaweinhiseyes.Hell,I’vemissedthisman.I’mnotsurehowithappened,butIgrewattachedtohimoverthesmallamountoftimewespenttogether.AndnowthatI’mnearhimagain,Ifeelmypulsepickupandmymindbegintohopealloveragain.
Maybethistimewillbedifferent.
“Howareyou?”heasksasIstandinfrontofhim,nervous.
Ipushmyhairbehindmyear.“Didyouredotheapartment?”
Heshiftsuncomfortablybutlightlynods.“Idid.”
“Why?”Iask.
“BecauseIruinedit,andIdidn’twantyoutofeellikeyoucouldn’treturn.Iwantedittobeaplaceforyoutofeelcomfortabletostay.”
“Youdidn’tdoitforanyotherreason?”Iask,stillstandinginfrontofhim.
Hepusheshishandthroughhishair.“Whatreasonwouldthatbe?”heasks
Takingonelastchance,IpushhimbackonthecouchandstraddlehislapsoI’mfacinghim.Irestmyhandonhischest,andhishandsimmediatelyfalltomylegs.
“Didyoudoitbecausemaybeyouweretryingtoimpressme?”
“Impressyou?No.”Heletsoutaheavybreath,andfromwheremypalmrests,Icanfeeltherapidbeatofhisheart.“DidIwanttoshowyouhowmuchIcareaboutyou?DidIwanttoshowyouI’mnotthemonsteryoulastsaw?Theonewhoattackedyourbrother?Then,yes.”
“Andwhywouldn’tyouwantmetoseeyouasamonster,Hayes?”
Hewetshislipsrightbeforesaying,“BecauseIreallylikeyou.BecauseIwanttohavethechanceatdatingyou,takingyouout,doingthistherightway.”
Amuch-neededsmilepassesovermylips.“Really?”
Hecupsmycheekandnods.“Really.It’sneverbeenaquestionifIwantyou,Hattie.That’sbeenapparentsincethemomentIsawyoudroppingoffthatboxatmyfrontdoor.”
“Butyousaid—”
“Ilied,”hesays.“EverychanceIhad,IliedbecauseIknewifIgaveintothetemptationthatisyou,Iwouldn’tbeabletoletgo.”
“Sowhynow?”Iask,myfingersmovinguptohisfacewhereIdragthemacrosshiscoarsebeard.
“BecauseofCassidy,”heanswers.
Andthat’stheexactanswerIneeded.Itakehisfaceinbothmyhandsandcrashourmouthstogether.Hishandsslideupmyback,bringingmeintightandholdingmeinplaceashereclaimsmylips,butnothingisbetweenusthistime.It’sjustmeandhim.Norestrictions.Nofears.
Andhecommandseverysecondofit.
Histonguetracestheplumpnessofmylips,edgingmetoopen,andwhenIdo,hedoesn’tdivehistongueinrightaway.Instead,hegentlyrunshistongueagainstmineuntiltheembersbetweenusigniteintoaburninginferno.
Hungry,hedeliversopen-mouthedkisses,hisgripmovingallthewayuptothebackofmyhead,histonguedancingacrossmine,owningeveryinchofmymouth.
ThiskissisunlikeanythingI’veeverexperienced.
Thepassion.
Thedemand.
Thepent-upneed.Itcrashestogether.It’sinthewayheholdsmeandthewayhismouthpossessesmine.It’saddicting,makingmewantsomuchmore.
“Fuck,”hesays,releasingmymouthandpullingaway,hiseyesfallingonmine.“Idon’twanttopushyoutoofar.”
Mybodybegshimtotakeanythinghewants—tostripmedownandmakemehis—butmymind,myfragile,barelyhealedbrainispumpingthebrakes…becausehe’sright.IfIwentanyfurther,itwouldbepushingmefurtherthanIwanttogo.FurtherthanI’mready.
Ileanbackandtakeadeepbreath.“Iwanttotakeitslow.”
“That’stotallyfine,”hesays.
“Areyousure?”Iask.
“Yes,Hattie.”Hecupsmycheek.“DoIwanttofuckyouuntilyoudon’thaveavoiceanymore?Ofcourse.”Igulp.“ButIwanttodoitwhenyou’reready.”
NotsureI’deverbefullypreparedforthat.
“I’mjustbarelygettingmymindstraight,”Isayhonestly.“I’vespentthelastweekorsolettingmyselfliveinmyfeelings,rememberingCassidyandlettingmyselfmourn.Today’soneofthefirstdaysI’vegottenoutofbed,putsomemakeupon,andgoneintotown.Aubreeshowedmetheapartment,andIjust…Ihadtocomeoverhereandthankyou.”
“Noneedtothankme,Hattie.”
“Whatyoudidwasreallysweet.Iappreciateit.I’mnotsureI’mreadytostaythereyet.I’mstillkindofattachedtoCassidy’sroomrightnow.”
“That’sfair.”
“ButIknowIcan’tstaythereforever,especiallysinceRylandhasbeensleepingonthecouchformonthsnow.Iwasactuallythinkingofclearingitoutforhimandgivinghimabedroom.Heneedsonebadly.”
“Doyouwantmetohelpyou?”heasks.
“Oh,youdon’thavetodothat.”
“I’dliketo,”hesays,sincerityringingthroughhistone.“That’snotsomethingyoushoulddoalone,andifyouhaven’tnoticed,Ihavesomeexperiencefixingrooms.”
Ichuckle.“Isthatgoingtobesomethingonyourrésuménow?”
“Mightaswelladdit.”Hesmilesandthenbringshishandstomythighs.Herubshispalmsalongmyskin.“SowouldIbeabletotakeyououtonadatesometime?”
“Ithinkwecanarrangethat.”
“Yeah?”
Inod.“Yeah.AsRylandsaid,Ineedsomefuninmylife.”
“Icanprovidethefun.Icanprovidewhateveryouwant.”
Itugonthecollarofhisshirtplayfully.“Soallthosetimesyouturnedmedown,itreallywasbecauseofRyland?”
“Yes,Hattie.Trustme,Iwasfuckingburningforyou.”
Mysmilegrowswider.“OhmyGod,waituntilItellMaggiethat.She’sgoingtobesojealous.”
Helaughsandthenbringsmedownonthecouchsomybackisontheleather,andI’mstaringupathim.Hepushesastrandofhairoutofmyfaceashelightlypressesanotherkisstomylips.“Iwillsaythis.We’renotworkingonthatbedroomuntilyoucleanupmyfuckinglivingroom.Thepapersaremakingmyskinitch.”
“Whydidn’tyoucleanthemyourself?”
“Youmadethemess,”hesays,hisnoseslidingupthecolumnofmyneck,thefeelofhimsoclose,makingmynippleshard.“Youcleanitupyourself.”
“Where’sthechivalryinthat?”
“NochivalrywhenIwaspayingyoutodoajob.Ajobyoudidn’tfinish.”
“Becausemybosswasamaniac,demandingcoffeeatseveninthemorning.”
Hekissesmyjaw,mycheek,mynose.“Ataskyounevercompletedcorrectly.”
“Shouldhavefiredmethen,”IsayasIbringmyhanduptohisface,indisbeliefthatthisishappeningrightnow.ThatI’mallowedtotouchhim,kisshim,feelhimwithoutguiltswarmingme.
“Andmissoutonbeingabletoseeyourfuckableassinthosebikeshortseveryday?”
Myeyeswiden.“Fuckableass?”
Hesmirksandthenpushesoffme.“Ihavealottoteachyou,Hattie.”
OhdearGod.
***
“Tellmehowthisisfair?”Hayesasksashedigsintothesackoffanmailandplacestheminfrontofus.“Thisisyourjob.”
“Butisn’titmorefunwhenwedoittogether?”
“No,”hedeadpans,causingmetolaugh.“Iprefertowatchyoudoit.”
“Theseareyourfans,Hayes.”Ipulloutaletterandanothernakedpicturefallsout,thisonefromoneofhisserialfans.Thetenthnakedpicturefromthisparticularlady.Iflashhimthepicture.“Youneedtoappreciatethem.”
Heswatsthepicturedown.“You’redoingthisjusttotortureme.”
“No,Ithinkweshouldspendmoretimetogether,andifyouhappentohelpmewiththistaskwhilespendingtimewithme,thenit’sawin-win.”
“Foryou.”
Ishrug.“BestyourealizenowthatI’llwinmoreinthisrelationship.”
Heundoesaletterandsays,“Isthatwhatthisis?Arelationship?”
“Whatelsewouldyoucallit?Romanticinvolvement?”
“Yes,that’smuchmoreeloquent.”Hechuckles,andInudgemyshoulderagainsthis.
“Youactlikethisisnewtoyou.YoufoundCassidy’sletter,whichmeansyouwerelookingthroughthings.”
“Notthroughthesebagsofmail.Iwaslookingthroughmytourshit,”hesays.“IwaspissedthenightIfounditandendedupkickingabox.Herletterfellout.”
“PissedabouthowthingswentdowninSanFrancisco?”
“Yeah,thattripwas…fuck,itwasmiserable.Somanythingswentwrong.Icouldn’tcomfortyouthewayIwanted.Andthenyoutoldmetotreatyouawfully,andbecauseI’mastupid,pridefulman,Idecidedtodojustthat,onlyhurtingyoumore.”Hetakesmyhandinhisandbringsmyknucklestohislips.“Andthen…Odette.The…job.JesusChrist,I’msurprisedyou’relettingmeholdyourhandrightnowafterallofthat.”
“Itwasabreakingpoint,that’sforsure,”Isay.
“Formetoo.IwassomadatmyselfbecauseIpushedyouawaytoomuch.Whenyousaidyouwerequitting,therealizationthatIwouldn’tseeyoueveryday,thathitmereallyfuckinghard.”Hisbatteredeyespleadwithme.“Wouldyouhavenotcomeback?”
“Probablynot,”Isay.“Itwastoohardbeingaroundyouandnotbeingabletogiveintomyfeelings.”
“Same,butIwastakingeverysecond,everymomentIhadwithyou.Iwasnotgivingthatup.”
“Goodthingwedon’thavetoworryaboutthatnow.”Hekissesmyknucklesagain.“SowhenyoufoundtheletterfromCassidy,whatdidyoudo?”
“HadaminormeltdownbecauseIwassofuckinggrateful.”Hechuckles.“ThenIwenttoTheAlmondStore,butwhenyouweren’tthere,IdecidedtogotoSozzledbecauseJoetoldmetocomesingasongwheneverIwanted.Ithoughtitmighthelpwithmywriting,gettingoutthereagain,butthenIsawyou,andwell…Idecidedtosingyouasonginstead.”
Ifeelmycheeksblush.“Youdidsuchabeautifuljob.Iwastransfixed.Ithinkit’sthemainreasonIhadenoughcouragetokissyouthatnight.”
“I’mgladyoudid.It’sbeenmorethanafeelingforawhilewithyou,Hattie.”
Ilooktothesideathim.“You’regoingtomakeithardformetoeverthinkofanotherman,aren’tyou?”
“It’smynumberonepriorityrightnow.”
***
“Youcansitononeofthebarstools,youknow,”HayessaysasIcrossmylegsontopofhisislandcounter.
“Ilikeitbetterhere.”Iliftmypieceofpizzaandtakeabite.“Thankyoufordinner,bytheway.Wouldyouconsiderthistobeourfirstdate?”
Heshakeshisheadashestandsnexttome,nottakingaseateither.“Nah,I’dneedtopickyouup,bringyouflowers,theworks.Makeitofficial.”
“Youdon’thavetobringmeflowers,butIbetMacwouldlikesome.”
“Yeah,getonhergoodside?”Hesmirks.“Buttoansweryourquestion,thisisjustahangout.”
Ilovethatsmirksomuch.It’soddseeinghimuseitsofreely.Itmakesmerealizehowguardedhewasbefore.Itwassoraretoseehissmile.ButthisHayes,he’srelaxed,likeaweighthasbeenliftedoffhisshoulders,andI’msureithas.“Okay,sowhenisourfirstdate?”
Hepicksatthecheeseonhispizza.“Wheneveryou’refree.”
“DoyouthinkIhaveacomplicatedcalendar?Ijustgotdonecryinginmysister’sroomforaweek.I’mprettyfree.”
Hislipssoften.“Howabouttomorrownight?”
“Wow,don’tyouthinkthat’salittlesoon?”Hegivesmeanexhaustedlook,andIchuckle.“Justkidding,thatwouldbeperfect.Whatdoyouhaveplanned?DoIneedtodressup?”
“Nothingfancy,”hesays.“Butyouknow…ifyouwanttowearadresslikeyouworewhenyouwereatSozzled,Iwon’tbemadaboutit.”
“Ooo,youlikedthat,didyou?”
Henods,thesultrinessinhiseyesmakingmefeelallwarminside.“Idid.Youlookedreallypretty.”
Reallypretty.
Can’ttellyouthelasttimesomeonesaidthattome.Mattneverdoledoutanycompliments.
Headtilteddown,Iquietlysay,“Thankyou.”
Hisfingerliftsmychinashesays,“Youknow,youblushalot.Itmakesmethinkyou’reshyaroundme.”
“Iwouldn’tsayshy.”HereleasesmeasIwipemyfingersonmynapkinandpickupmyDietCoketotakeasip.“Butyouknow…I’veneverbeenspokentohowyouspeaktome.You’rehonest—well,whenyou’renottryingtopushmeaway—”
“NotbecauseIwantedto,”headds
“Iknow.Butyou’rehonest.Yousaywhat’sonyourmind,andbefore,withMattoranyotherguyI’vedated,theyweren’tparticularlyvocalaboutmylooks.Theyrarelycomplimentedme.NotthatIneededthemtosurvive,butit’salwaysnicetoheareveryonceinawhile.Soyeah,ImightblushbecauseI’mnotusedtosomeonetellingmeI’mprettyorthattheylikedmydress.”Ishrug,feelingawkward.
Hisbrowpullstogether.“Thoseboysyouwerewithbeforeclearlydidn’tknowhowtotreatyouthewayyoudeserve.Theirloss,mygain.”
Andthat’sthekindofanswerI’dexpectfromHayes.He’spassionateandpossessive,everythingMattwasnot.Iknowthiswillbedifferent.IhaveafeelingthatbeingwithHayeswillbeunprecedented,andI’mexcitedtoseewhereitgoes.
“Whataboutyou?”Iaskashepicksapepperonioffhispizzaandplopsitinhismouth.“Whatkindofwomenhaveyoudated?”
“Notmany,”heanswersandleavesitatthat.
“Isthatallyou’regoingtosay,orwillyoubehonestwithme?”
“Doyouwantmetotellyouthetruth?”
“Ido.ThemoreIknow,thebetter.”I’veseenthetabloids,andI’mactuallyhopinghetellsmeithasn’tbeenas…luridasthat.
Heleanshishiponthecounterandwipeshismouthwithhisnapkinbeforetossingitnexttohisplate.“Hadagirlfriendbackinhighschool.Youwereprobablytooyoungtoevenknowwhoitwas,butshewasmyfirstforprettymucheverythingbesidesakiss.”
“Whowasit?”
“FlaviaGotchen.Didyouknowher?”
“Nope.”
Hechuckles.“Didn’tthinkso.Butyeah,wewereeachother’sfirsteverything.Wefumbledalot,butwealsolearned.ShebrokeupwithmewhenwewereseniorsbecauseIcheatedonher.”
“What?”Iask,surprisedbythisinformation.
“Listen,I’mnotproudofit.ItwastheoneandonlytimeI’veevercheated.Ilearnedmylessonquicklyafterherbrothernearlybeatmetodeath.Iapologizedtohermultipletimes,butthedamagewasdone.IstillrememberthelookonherfacewhenItoldherIcheated.Ifitwasn’tforherbrother’sfists,herexpressionofutterdefeatwouldhavepreventedmefromeverdoingthatagain.”
“Andyouhaven’t?”
Heshakeshishead.“No,Ihaven’t.I’vealsoneverbeeninaseriousrelationship.Youmighthaveseenloveconnectionsinthemediathroughouttheyears,butthatwasallpress.Nothingserious.Igotintodrugs,alcohol,andfuckedalotofroadies.”
Mynosecurlsupfromhisconfession.IknowIaskedforthetruth,butIwasn’treadytohearthat.Hissordidpastisoutthereforeveryonetoknow.He’sdonehisfairshareofdrugs—heevenadmittedtoitwhenwewerebaking—anditdoesn’ttakeageniustorealizeheprobablyhasalotofsexontheroad.Butitstilldoesn’tmakehisconfessionanylessimpactfulinmyhead
“Wantmetostop?”heasks.
Ishakemyhead.“No.Iaskedforthetruth.I’dratherhearitfromyouthansomeoneelse.”
Henodsandfoldshisarmsacrosshischest.“Therewasabriefrelationship,andImeanbrief,withagirlwhousedtoopenformeontour,butitwasshort-livedbecauseIquicklyfoundout…shehadaboyfriendbackhome.Iendeditimmediately.LikeIsaid,Icheatedonce.Iwasnevergoingtobeinvolvedinitagain.”
“OhGod,really?Whowasit?”
“KarlaMoore.”
“Oh,she’sbeautiful,”Isay,thinkingofherkillerlegs.“Itriedherlegworkoutoncethatwaspostedononeofthoselifestyleblogs.Igothalfwaythroughandgaveup.”
Hechuckles.“Sheusedtodothatworkouteverysingleday.Itwasimpressive.Butafterher,itwasjustrandomfansthatI’dfuck.Nothingseriousatall.Theonlywomaninmylifewasmygrandma.”
“That’ssweet,”Isay.
“Shekeepsmegrounded.”
Iturntowardhim,mypizzanowasecondthought.“Sowhychangenow?Whyaskmeout?Whygiveusachance?”Iask.“Imean,I’massumingthisisn’taflingforyou.Becauseit’snotaflingforme.”
“It’snotafling.”Hetakesmyhandinhisandbringsmyknucklestohislips.Hismouthlightlyrubsagainstthembeforehesays,“IchangedbecauseIrealizedquicklythatI’mfuckinglonely.”Hepausesforamoment,pressingakisstomyknuckles.“Iwasstrugglingwithfindingmyvoiceagain,mywritingvoice,andIrealizeditwasbecauseIhadnothingtowriteabout.Noonetowriteabout.Mylifewas…empty.It’sbeenemptyforawhile.Andthen,well,youpoppedintoitandthingsstartedtochange.”
“Wait…areyousayingI’vehelpedyouwriteasong?”
Heholdsuptwofingers.“Two,actually.Ihaven’tsentanytoRuben,myagent,yetbecausetheywereaboutyou,andIdidn’twantyoutothinkIwrotesongsaboutyou.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseyouweren’ttalkingtome.Itwouldhavelookeddesperate.Ididn’twanttomakeyouuncomfortable.”
“Itwouldn’thavemademeuncomfortable,”Isay.“Itwouldhavebeenreallysweet.”Ipauseandthenadd,“Actuallyno,notsweet.Itprobablywouldhavemeltedmeintoapuddleofnothing.Idon’twanttoadmitit,but…thereweremanynights,listeningtoyourmusicthroughmyheadphonesthatIthoughtaboutyousingingthemtome.”
“Seriously?”heasksindisbelief.
“WhenMaggiesaidIhadanobsession,shewasn’tkidding.Iplayedyoursongsonaloopduringsomeofmydarkesttimes.”
Hemovesincloser.“Didyouplaymysongsthispastweek?”
Ishakemyhead.“Icouldn’t.Iwouldn’thavebeenabletostomachhearingyourvoice,notwhenIwastryingnottothinkaboutyou.”
Hetugsmetotheedgeofthecounter,whereIdropmylegs,andhestepsupbetweenthem.“Whileyouweren’tthinkingaboutme,Iwasthinkingaboutyoueverygoddamnsecond.”Hepushesastrandofhairbehindmyear.“Thinkingaboutholdingyourhand,lookingintoyourarrestingeyes,runningmyfingeroverthepulseinyourwrist…countingyourfreckles.Fuck,Hattie,Ithoughtaboutyousomuch.”
“Isthat…isthatwhatyouwroteinyoursongs?”
“Idid.”Hecupsmycheek.
Staringupintohisshadowlesseyes,Iask,“Thinkyou’llplaythemformeoneday?”
“Iwantto,”heanswersashisthumbstrokesmyjaw.“Buttheyneedsomefinessing.They’reprettyrawrightnow.”
“CanIbethefirstonetohearthemwhenyou’reready?”
“Ofcourse,”heanswers.
“Thankyou.”Iliftmychin,searchingforhislips.Heplaceshishandsonmyhipsandoffersmeasoft,gentlekiss.
Whenhepullsaway,heasks,“SoIdidn’tscareyouawaywithmypast?”
IshispastdifferentfromanythingI’veexperienced?Ofcourse.IsthatsomethingI’llholdagainsthim?
Never.
Ishakemyhead.“No.Ithinkweallhavetheopportunitytochange,andfromthesoundsofit,you’vechanged.”
“Ihave.”Hepicksuphispizzaagain.“TheonlyviceIhavenowisalcohol,butthat’snoteveryday,justapparentlywhenI’mtryingtoforgetyou.”
“Well,Ihopeyoudon’tpickupabottlethen.I’dbedevastatedifyoutriedtoforgetmenow.”
“Notgoingtohappen,”hesayswithawink.
***
Whatafreakingday.
WokeuptorunandspentthedaywithHayes,butnotlikeeveryotherday.Igottoholdhishand,leanintohisembrace,kisshimwheneverIwanted…guiltfree.It’sbeenoneofthebestdaysI’vehadinalongtime.Infact,ifIthinkaboutit,it’sprobablythemostatpeaceI’vefeltsincebeforeCassidywasdiagnosed.Everydaysincehasjustbeen…hard.Todaywasliketakingadeep,fullbreath.
Handinhand,wewalktomycar.Thenightsettlesaboveus,adarkblanketofskyandstars.HegentlypressesmeupagainstthecardoorwithhishandsonmyhipswhileIsmoothmyhandsuphischest,staringintothosebeautifuleyesofhis.
Itwasareallyfunevening.
WhenIcameoverhereearlier,Ididn’texpecttostaysolong.Ididn’tevenexpecttoleavewithhislipsimprintedonmine,butthatquicklychangedthemomentIsawhim.Wespenttheeveningtalking,joking,learningmoreabouteachother,andthemorehetoldme,themoreIlikedhim.
Hearingthathecheatedonhisgirlfriendstungabit,butIlikedthathewashonestaboutit,puttingitallouttheresonothingwashiddenbetweenus.Ithinkittakesabigmantorecognizewhenthey’vefuckedupandthechangesthey’vemadetoavoidmakingthatmistakeagain.Iappreciatethatabouthim.Ithasgivenmemorefaiththathewouldn’tcheatonme.
Ilearnedabouthisloveforhisgrandma.Hisloveformodeltrainsbecauseofhisgrandma’scloserelationshipwithRodney.Hisfirstlovesongwaswrittenaboutthisgirlhehadacrushonbackinmiddleschool.Howcute.HetoldmehowheoncestoleoneofEthel’sboas—Abeldaredhim—andtheyburieditinAbel’sparents’backyard,soscaredthatEthelwouldfindoutandthenkick-ball-changethemallthewaydowntothepolicedepartment.
AndIlovedeverysecondofhisstories,watchinghowanimatedhebecame,theexpressionsonhisface,suchavastdifferencefromtheserious—guarded—manIspenttimewith.
“Iwasn’texpectingthisatalltoday,”hesays,stealingthethoughtsrightfrommyhead.“Iplannedongettingdrunktonight,writingsomemorelyricsthatpertainedtoyoureyes,yourfreckles,youridioticpilesofpapers.”Ichuckle.“Butthenyougavemethebestfuckingsurpriseeverbycomingoverandkissingme.”
Thebestsurprisewashimkissingmebackratherthantellingmenoandhecan’tdothis.I’msogladIdidn’thavetobegandpleadforhimtogivemeachance.Us.Giveusachance.
Iplaywiththehemofhisshirt,tuggingonthethinfabric.“AfterIsawthewayyouredidtheapartmentaboveTheAlmondStore,Ihadtoseeyou.Thankyou,Hayes.Ireallylovewhatyoudidthere.”
“You’rewelcome,Hattie,”hesays,movingincloser.“Itwascathartic,actually,andgavemesomespacetothinkonthingstoo.”Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck,andheconnectshisforeheadtomine.“Tomorrow.I’llpickyouuparoundsix,okay?”
“Okay,”IsayasIliftonmytoesandpressakisstohislips.
Hesighsagainstmymouthbeforepartinghislipsandpressingintome.
It’sadeliciouskiss,fullofpromisesofwhat’stocome.
“Whyareyousmirking?”heaskswhenhepullsaway.
“Nothing.”
Hetiltsmychinup.“Tellme.”
“IwasjustthinkinghowIwanttotakethingsslow,butnowI’munsurehowslowIcanreallygowhenyoukissmelikethat.”
Hiseyesturndark,hungry.“Itwillbetorture,butI’llgoasslowasyouwant.Snail’space.Eventhoughrightnow,ifitwereuptome,I’dhaveyoubentoverthehoodofyourcar,pullingdownyourshorts,andsuckingonyourclitinseconds.”
DearGod.
Iwetmylipsasmychestgrowsheavy.Icanpracticallyfeelhimdoingthat.He’downme,everyinchofme.Hishandswouldholdmedownwhilehismouthdidallthework,anditwouldbethebestorgasmofmylife.Justfromthewayhekissesme,Iknowitwouldbethebest.
“Hattie,”hesaysinwarning.
“What?”Iask,mygazesnappinguptohim,fallingoutofmythoughts.
“Don’tlookatmelikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
“Likeyouwouldletmedrapeyouoverthehoodofyourcar.”
Irunmyfingersthroughhishair.“Iwouldn’tbeopposed.”
Hegroansandstepsaway,makingmesad.“No,yousaidwe’retakingthisslow.That’sanythingbutslow.Shovingmytongueintoyourpussyuntilyou’rescreamingisnottakingitslow.”
God,whydoeshehavetotalklikethat?Itmakesmeallitchyandneedyinside.
“Iknow…”Iclosethedistancebetweenus.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanwecan’t…Idon’tknow,dry-humporsomething.”
Hisbrowraisesinquestion,andit’ssocute,itmakesmelaugh.“Noonedry-humpspasthighschool.”
“Thenthey’remissingout.”Iliftonmytoesandpressachastekisstohislips.“Seeyoutomorrow.”
Ireachformycardoorhandle,buthebeatsmetoitandopensmydoorforme,hangingonit.“Seeyoutomorrow.”
Heshutsmydoor,andIturnonmycarashewalksbacktohishouse.Iwaveandthenpulloutofhisdriveway.TheminuteIhittheroad,IcallMaggie.
“Ihaveabouttenminutes,”shesaysintothephone.“Pleasetellmeyoushoweredtoday.”
“God,whyiseveryonesoconcernedaboutmyhygiene?Iwasn’tthatbad.”
“That’scute,keeptellingyourselfthat,”shesays.“Sodidyou?”
“Yes.Ishowered,shaved,didmyhair,putonmascaraandrealclothes,andthenIwenttoHayes’shouseandsatonhislapandkissedhim,andhekissedmebackandaskedmeoutonadate.”
There’ssilenceontheotherendofthephone.
“Maggie,youthere?”
“Ummm…”shedrawsout.“IsthisHattie?IfeellikethisisaprankcallbecausethelasttimeIspokewithHattie,shewasstillcontemplatingwhyfuzzysocksaresopopular,andIhadtosaybecausethey’refuzzyrepeatedly.”
Ilaugh.“It’sme,Maggie.”
“Okay,becausesomethingfunnyjusthappened.IthoughtyoujusttoldmeyoukissedHayes,andheaskedyouout.”
“Idid.”
“Hmm,Idon’tknowhowtotakethat.”
“Maggie,”Igroan,makingherlaugh.“Canyoutellmeyou’reproudofme?”
“OfcourseI’mproudofyou,butexcusemeforbeingslightlyshocked.Youwentfromnotdoinganythingtoseizingyourlife.I’mjusttryingtoconnectthedots.”
“Well,nothingistrulyseized,butIfeelgood.IfeellikeI’montherightpath.”
“Uh,ifyourtongueisdownHayesFarrow’sthroat,thenyes,Icanguaranteeyou’regoingdowntherightpath.Caretoexplainhowthishappened?”
“Simple.Herenovatedtheapartment.”
“OhGod,”Maggiesays,ahitchinherbreath.“Ithink…IthinkIjusthadaminiorgasm.”
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Ilaugh.
“Idon’tknow.Weddingsmakemeemotionalandalittlenuts.ButGod,howsweet.Sowhat,areyouacouplenow?”
“Imean,Ithinkwe’retakingitonestepatatime,butIdoknowthataftertodayIfeelhappy.”
“Good.I’mgladtohearit.”
“ButItoldhimIwantedtotakeitslow.”SayingitoutloudmakesmecringebecauseGod,there’snothingmorethatIwantthantohumpthatman…lethimpleasuremeuntilI’mapuddleofawomaninhisbed.
“What?”sheyellsintothephone.“Haveyoulostyourmind?WhenIstayedathisplacewithyou,Ihadsexwithhiminmyheadatleastadozentimes,andIknowhewasn’treadyforthat,butithappenedanyway.”
“Whyarewefriends?”
“Youhavemequestioningthatverystatementrightnow.”Shehuffs.“Whyaren’tyouhavingsexwithhim?”
“Nervous,unsureofmyself.IthinkI’vebeenthroughawhirlwindofeventsthepastfewmonths,andIjustneedtoslowdown,youknow?Findmyself,figureoutwhatthehellI’mdoingwithmylife.”
“Whatthehellyou’redoingisgraciouslytakingyourclothesoffforHayesFarrow.Youcanfindyourselfwhileholdinghisdickinyourmouth.You’remultitalented.You.Can.Multitask.HaveInottaughtyouanything?”
“Youhaven’t,”Isayonalaugh.“You’veliterallytaughtmenothing.”
“Clearly,”sherepliesinexasperation.“Okay,soyou’renothavingsexwithhim.Well,goodluckwiththat.Tellmehowitgoesandhowlongitlastsbecause,accordingtomycalculations,itwon’tlastlong.”
“Andwhatcalculationsarethose?”
“Easy,Itakeyourneedinesstoexperienceawell-executedorgasmbyarealman,combineitwithhismadsexappeal,andblamo,twodaystops.”
“Isthatrealmath?”
“Themostreal.”
Ichuckle.“Well,we’llsee.Itmightbefuntojust…teasearoundabit.”
“Ha!”ShelaughssoloudthatIcanfeelmyphoneshake.“Teasing,uh-huh,youwerereadytopouncehiminSanFrancisco.Thereisnowayyou’llbeableto‘teasearoundabit,’whateverthehellthatmeans.ButIthinkit’shonorablethatyou’reputtingupafront.Showscharacter.”
“I’mgoingtogonow.”
“Bestthatyoudo.Ineedtogodirectaflowergirlonhowtotossflowerpetalsdowntheaisle,noteatthem.Loveyou.”
“Loveyou.”ChapterSeventeen
HAYES
Shit,I’mnervous.
Ihaven’tbeenabletofocusallday.Iattemptedfine-tuningamelodyinmyheadbutgaveupafteranhourandresortedtomindlesslywatchingrerunsofTheOfficewhiledoingasetofpush-upsandthensit-upseverytenminutes.
NowI’msoreasfuck,slightlyexhausted,andstillnervous.
BeforeIleftmyhouse,Ichangedmyoutfitseventimes.
Yup,seven.
Andguesswhat?TheshirtsIrotatedthroughwereallvariationsofblackandgray.Therewasn’tmuchdifferenceatall,butitdidn’tpreventmefromgettingallfussyinfrontofagoddamnmirrorandcheckingthesleevelengthofeachshirttomakesureitshowedoffenoughbiceptoenticeHattie,butnottoomuchthatIlooklikeDannyfuckingZukostruttingdownthehighschoolhallway.
Andmyhair,outofalldaystotrytostyleitandnotwearahat.Ifidgetedwithitfortwentyminutes,threatenedtoflattenitwithahatmultipletimes,thenfinallyrewetitandstartedallover.
AndI’mstillnothappy,butIdidn’twanttobelatepickingupHattie.
I’malsoconcernedthatIputontoomuchcologne.It’sallIcouldsmellwhiledrivingtothefarm.Ievenrolleddownthewindowstoairsomeofitout,butIwentbyacowfarmthatsmelledlikelastweek’sgarbageunderthehotsun,whichcausedmetoclosethewindow,capturingthehotgarbagesmellinmycar…so…it’shotgarbagecologneinhere.
Inadditiontotheparadeofmonochromaticshirts,theendlesstouslingofhair,andthedipintoapoolofcologne,I’vetakendowntenAltoids.
Ten!
Inolongerhavetastebuds.Ifriedthemrightoff.
JesusChrist,whatiswrongwithme?
Oh,Iknow.
IcareaboutHattie.She’sprobablythefirstgirlI’vecaredaboutinalongtime,andI’monthefencewithherbrother,whoseapprovalInowneedtowin.AndIthoughtitwouldbeagoodideatowinhisapprovalbybringinghimflowerslikeagoddamnnimrod.
Yup,fuckingflowers.
Itwasfunnyatfirst,butnow,nowI’mconcerneditmightcomeontoostrong.
IputmycarintoparkasIstareupatthefarmhouse.Smallandquaint,it’sseenbetterdaysunderthesunwiththechippingpaintontheexteriorandacrackedfloorboardontheporch.Ican’timaginethekindofpressureCassidywasunderwhilelivinghere.Thefarm,thestore,takingcareofachild…whilebeingsickatthesametime.ShetrulywasSuperwoman.
IgrabmyflowersandstepoutofmySUVandwalkupthefrontstepsoftheporchwhereIknockonthescreendoor.Itimmediatelyopens,andalittlegirlwithbouncybrowncurlsstaresupatme.
MacKenzieRowley.
Hell,she’sadorable.
“You’rehereforAuntHattie,aren’tyou?”
Isquatdowninfrontofher,andInod.“Yup.”Iholdmyhandouttoher.“I’mHayes.”
Shestaresmedown,oneeyedeeplyexaminingmewhileherhandspropuponherhips.“Iknowwhoyouare.Wearen’tsupposedtolikeyou.”
LookslikeI’vegotmyworkcutoutforme.
Iholdonebundleofflowersinfrontofherandsay,“WhatifIgaveyouthese?Wouldthathelp?”
Shelooksdownattheflowersandthenbackupatmebeforesnaggingthem.“ChewyCharleslovesflowers.”Andthenshetakesoff,leavingmeintheentryway.
WhothehellisChewyCharles?
Istandupandstepfartherintothehouse,theopenfloorplanofferingaviewofthetightlivingroomwithonecouchandaTV.It’sdecoratedmodestlywithmainlypicturesoffamilyandthefarm.Totheleftisthediningroomattachedtothekitchen,wherecabinetsalllineonewallandawheelablebutcher’sblockisinthemiddle.Decoratedwithblueginghamcurtainsandstonepottery,Icanseehowthiscouldeasilyfeellikehome.
“Hey,”Rylandsaysashecomesdownthestairs.
“Hey.”Iwaveawkwardlybecauseseeinghimnotcurlhisnosewheneverwe’reinthesameroomisstilluncomfortable.“Uh,here.”Iextendtheflowerstowardhim,andhepausesmid-strideandlooksatthem.Whenhegivesmeaconfusedexpression,Iclearmythroat.“Igotyou,uh,flowers.”
“Me?”Hepointsathischest.
“Yup.Thoughtitwouldbenice.”God,killmenow.
Hedoesn’tmove,doesn’treachforthem,doesn’ttakeanotherstepforward,andIknowit’sbecauseIlooklikeanabsolutemoron.
Hereyougo,Ryland,Igotyouflowers—whatafuckingidiot!
“They’redaisies.Ithoughtyoulikeddaisies.”Stoptalking,Hayes,you’renotdoingyourselfanyfavors.Youhavenofuckingclueifhelikesdaisiesornot.
“WhatmakesyouthinkIlikedaisies?”heasksasatinytrickleofsweatformsonthebackofmyneck.See,that’swhyyoushouldhavestoppedtalking.
“Uh…”Iswallow.“Youreyes.”
“Myeyes?”heasks.
Yeah,Hayes,howexactlydohiseyesremindyouofdaisies?They’reneithershapedlikethemorwhiteoryellowforthatmatter.
“Imean,yourcomplexion.”
“Mycomplexion?”Heraiseshisbrow.
Andyup,thatsweattricklesdownmyback.
“Youknow,didIsaycomplexion?Imeantyoursmile.Yoursmileremindsmeofadaisy.”
“Whenwasthelasttimeyousawmesmile?”
Greatpoint.
“Idon’tknow,man,”Isay,givingupbecausethemoreItalk,themoreI’llembarrassmyself.“Justtakethem.”Isteptowardhimbutfailtonoticethepinkfiretruckrightinfrontofme.
Itripoverit,attempttocatchmybalance,butsteponasmallercarandflyforward,bouquetstretchedoutinfrontofmeandplastertheflowersrightintoRyland’schest,sendingusbothtumblingtothefloortogether.
“Ooof,”RylandexhaleswhileImutter,“Christ,”undermybreath,ourarmsandlegsgettingtangledtogether.
“Noo!”Macscreamsatthetopofherlungsandrunsovertous.Ihaveaboutonesecondtofigureoutwhathappenedbeforeaplushballwhacksmeovertheheadwithsurprisingforce.“Yougetoffhim.Don’ttouchUncleRyRy.”
“Ouch,fuck,”Isayasahardpieceofplasticsurroundedbyfurhitsthesideofmyhead.
Rylandstrugglesbeneathme.Istruggleontopofhimwiththeflowerssandwichedbetween.
“Getup,”Rylandsays,pushingatme.
“Ican’twiththewhacking.”
“Don’thurthim.Don’thurthim!”Macscreams,wallopingmeintheheadoverandoveragain.
“JesusChrist,”IsayasIattempttorollbutcan’tnavigatewiththebeatingI’mtakingtothehead.IlocatethefloorwithmyhandandmovemylegforwardjustasRylandscreamsatthetopofhislungs.
“Shit,that’smydick.”
“What’syourdi—”Klunk.I’msmackedintheeyewithwhatI’massumingisastuffedanimal.“Motherfucker,”IyellasIgripmyeye.Shecaughtitwhenitwasopen.
“Yourknee,”Rylandgroans.“Yourkneeisonmydick.”
“Getoffhisdick!”Macscreams.
“Idon’twanttobeonhisdick.”Iscramblebuttakeanotherbeatingtothehead,aone-twoknock-knock.
“Don’tsaydick,”Rylandgroans.
“Whatthehellisgoingondownhere?”HattiesaysjustasshepullsMacaway,endingtheabuseandallowingmetorolltothesideandlieflatonmyback.AsIstareupattheceiling,myheadpounds.
Rylandrollstheotherway,givingusjustenoughroombetweenustonolongerhaveanyissues.
“ThatmanwasonUncleRyRy’sdick.”
“Mac,”Rylandgroans,crunchedover.“Isaiddon’tsaydick.”
“Idon’tevenknowwhatadickis,”Macreplies,tossingherhandsintheair.“HowamIsupposedtoknow?”
“BecauseIsaiddon’tsaydick.”
“Canwedropthedicktalk?”Hattieasks.
Fromthehorsesnouttotheeye,myvisionisalittleblurry,butfromwhatIcansee,Hattieisdressedinapale-yellowfloralsundresswiththinstrapsandbrownbuttonsallthewayuptothemiddle.It’stightaroundhertorsobutflaresatherwaist.Reallyfuckingpretty.Herhairisdowninsoftwaveswithhalfofitpulledbackontopintoamessybun,andhereyeslookgreenerthaneverwiththewaysheaccentuatedthemwithhermakeup.
Fuck,she’sgorgeous.
Andshe’sgivingmethestinkeye.
Shit.
“Wereyoutwofightingagain?”
“Yes,”MacsayswhileRylandandIbothsayno.“They’relying.Isawthatbadmanwe’resupposedtohateattackUncleRyRy.Hetackledhimtotheground.”
“Seriously,Hayes?”Hattieasks.“Whatiswrongwithyou?”
“No,”Isay.“Ididn’tattackhim.Iwashandinghimflowers.”
“Youwerewhat?”
IcatchmybreathandlowermyhandfrommyeyeasItrytoblinkafewtimes,beggingforittoworkagain.“Ibroughthimflowersasapeaceoffering.See?”Iholduptheflowers,butthebouquetsagstothesidefromthecrushoftwogrownmen’sbodies.“Ithoughtitwouldbenice,butthenIgotfuckingnervoustryingtoexplainwhyIbroughtthem,decidedtojustshovethemintohischestsoIdidn’tsayanythingelsestupid,wounduptrippingovertoys,andface-plantedintoRyland’snipple.”
“Rightintothenipple,”Macsays,herarmjuttingup.
“Don’tsaynipple,”Hattiesays.
“Thebadmansaidit,”Macargues.
“I’mnotabadman,Ipromise,”Isay.
“Hekneedmeinthedickwhileontheground,”Rylandsays,thepainseemingtoeasejustenoughforhimtochimein.
“See?”Macpointsatme.“ItoldyouhewasattackingUncleRyRy’sdick.”
“Don’tsaydick!”RylandandHattiesayatthesametime.
Hattiethenpressesherfingerstoherbrow.“Mac,pleasegoupstairsandplayinyourroomforamoment,okay?”
“Fine.”Shegrabsherhorsestuffy,thehalf-mutilatedbouquet,andheadstowardthestairs.“Ididn’twanttobeherewiththedickstuffanyway.”
“Jesus,”Rylandmuttersbeforelyingflatonthegroundandtakingafewdeepbreaths.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskhim.
“No.”Hedragshishandsoverhisface.“Youkneedmeseveraltimes.InearlythrewupinfrontofMac.”
“Thatwouldhavebeentheicingonthecake.”Hattiemovesovertothekitchen,pullsanicepackfromthefreezer,andthentossesitatRyland.“Here,iceyourballs.I’llgetAubreetocomeoverandwatchMacwhileyounurseyourmanhood.”
“Nah,don’tbotherher,”hereplieswhileslowlytryingtorisetohisfeet.WhenInoticehimstruggling,Igetup,griphimunderthearm,andaidhim.He’scrouchedoverbutstandingnow,soIhelpguidehimtothecouchwherehesits,spreadshislegs,andputstheicepackrightonhiscrotch.Notsurethatwillhelp,butwhenaman’sinthatsituation,wewillprettymuchdoanythingtomakeitbetter.
WhenIturnaround,Hattiehasherarmscrossed,andshesays,“Soyou’retellingmeyouaccidentallytrippedandfellintoRylandwhilehandinghimflowers,andwhileyouweretryingtogetup,youkneedhiminthedick?”
“Apparently,andinmydefense,Iwasgettingpummeledintheheadoverandoverbyyourniece,somyvisionwasblurred,andmywitsweren’tquitethere.”
HattieturnstoRyland.“Isthistrue?”
Rylandglancesatmeandthennods.
“Imean,ifhejusttooktheflowers,noneofthiswouldhavehappened,”Isayinmydefense.
“Iwasn’texpectingtoreceiveflowersfromsomeoneIhaven’ttalkedtoinoveradecade,letaloneamanwhoissupposedtobetakingmysisterout,notme.”
“Itwasakindgesture,”Isay,exasperated.“Can’twejustacceptthat?IbroughtsomeforMactoo.”
“Aw,really?”Hattieasks.“That’scute.”
“Soit’scutewhenIbringthemforMac,butnotforRyland?Whycan’twebecomfortableinourmasculinityandacceptflowersfromanotherman?”
“It’snotthatthey’refromanotherman,”Rylandsays.“It’sthatthey’refromyou.”
“SoifAbelbroughtyouflowers,wouldyouhavebeenokaywiththat?”Iask.
Rylandshrugs.“Iwouldhaveaskedhimwhattheoccasionwas,butIwouldhaveacceptedthem.”
“Soyou’retellingmewe’renotatflower-exchanginglevelyet?”
“Dude,Icanbarelylookatyou,sono,we’renotatflowerexchangingyet.”
Inodandstuffmyhandsinmypockets.“Goodtoknow.”
Hattieclaspsherhandstogether.“Well,thisisnothowIexpectedtostartthisdate,butIguessweshouldgetgoingbeforeanythingelsehappenslikeyouslipandfallandIfindyourheadinmybrother’scrotch.”
Rylandshakeshishead.“We’redefinitelynotatface-to-crotchlevel.”
“Notsureweshouldeverbeatthatlevel,”Isay.
“FortheloveofGod,Ihopenot.”Hattiemovestowardthestairs.“Letmegrabmythings,andI’llberightdown.”
Shejogsupthestairs,andIturnbacktowardRyland.Inodatwhereheholdshisicepackandsay,“Stillshriveledup?”
“It’sgoingtotakeaweekformydicktoreleaseitselffrommyscrotum.”
“Fair,”Isay.“Andhey,sorryaboutthat.Yourniecehasquitethebeatingarmonher.Shecanholdherown.”
“Goodtoknow.Youreyelooksalittleswollen.Doyouneedsomeice?”
“Nah,Ithinkit’sjustalittleshockedrightnow.AndifIgetablackeyefromyourniece,I’llwearitwithpride.”
“Youbetter,”heanswersjustasHattiecomesdownwithasmallbackpackdrapedoverhershouldersandasmileonherface.
“Ready?”sheasks.
“Yeah,ready,”Ianswer.InodatRyland.“Niceseeingyou,man.”
“Rememberwhatwetalkedabout.”Hegivesmethatolder-brotherglare,remindingmethatImighthavebroughthimflowers,buthe’snowherenearreadytotrustmewithhislittlesister.
Fair.Igetit.
I’llhavetoearnthattrustback,ataskIhavenoproblemputtingthetimeinto.
IopenthefrontdoortothehouseandletHattieoutfirstbeforetakingherhandinmineandbringingherovertohersideoftheSUV.BeforeIopenthedoor,Itwirlhertowardmeandsay,“Youlookreallyfuckinggood.”Irunmyfingeroverthestrapofherdress.“Ilikethis.Alot.”
Hercutecheeksblushasshesays,“Thankyou.”
Ileaninandpressasoftkissonherlipsbeforepullingthecardooropen.Ihelpherin,thengrabtheseatbeltandbuckleherup.Ismileupatherandthenshuthercardoor.
Onceinsidethecar,Iplacemyhandonherthighandbackoutofthedrivewaywithonehandonthewheel.
“Howwasyourday?”Iaskher,mynervesstartingtoease.Imean,itcan’tgetworsethangettingwhackedintheheadbyahorseandkneeingherbrotherintheballsseveraltimes.Canonlybeupfromhere,atleastthat’swhatIhope.
“Itwasgood.Iwasfullofnervesalldayinanticipationoftonight,soIkeptmyselfbusywithcleaningupCassidy’sroom.Istartedtogothroughherclothes,decidingwhatshouldbekeptandwhatcouldpossiblygo.”
“Wow,really?”Iask.“That’sabigstep.”
“Iknow.ItalkedtoAubreeaboutitbriefly.ShesaidshewantedtogothrougheverythingbeforeIdonatedit,butshealsothoughtitwastime.There’sanoldcardiganwithlargeflowersonitthatAubreewanted.Cassidyusedtowearitwhenevershegotcold.Ithassomeholesinit,andIthoughtI’dgetitdry-cleanedforherandtakeittoElizabethGomez.”
“Theveterinarian?”Iask.“OneoffourmembersofthePeachSociety?Whywouldyoudothat?”
“She’sanexpertcrocheter,andI’mprettysureshecouldhelppatchitup.Iwantittolastforever.IknowoneofthereasonsCassidystoppedwearingitsomuchwasbecauseitstartedtounravel.ThoughtitwouldbeanicepresentforAubree.”
“Thoughtful,Hattie.”
“Thankyou.”
“Sotellmewhyyouwerenervous?”
“WhydidIthinkyouwouldletthatlittlesnippetgo?”
“Notsure.It’snotmystyle,though.”Isqueezeherbarethighandslidemyhandaninchhigher.“Whyareyounervous?You’vebeenalonewithmeplenty.”
“Iknow,butthisisdifferent.IfeellikeIhavetoimpressyou.”
“Untrue,”Isay.“Andhey,wanttoknowasecret?”
“Yes,”sheanswers.
“Iwasnervoustoo.Ichangedmyshirtseventimes.”
Sheglancesatme.“Andyouwentwithplainblackaftersevenchoices?”
“Theotherswerealsoblackandgray.”
Sheleansherheadbackandlaughs.“Sowhatyou’retellingmeisthatyoudon’thaveanyotherclothes?”
“Prettymuch,”Ianswer.
“I’mgladyouwerenervoustoo.Thatmakesmefeelbetter.”
“Iwasalsonervoustogiveyourbrotherflowers.”
“OhmyGod,Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat.”
“Meneither.Ithinkhemighthatememorenow.Notsurethatwonmeanybrowniepoints.”
“Idon’tthinkitdideither,”shereplies.
“LookslikeI’mgoingtohavetogivehimcandynexttime.”
“Justdon’ttripovertoysandsmashitinhisface.”Shechuckles.
“Trustme,I’venotedtolookwhereI’mwalkinginthathousefromnowon.”
***
IhadafewthoughtswhenIthoughtaboutwhereIwantedtotakeHattieforourfirstdate.IknowshelikesBytheSlice,butwejusthadpizza.AndIwantedtodosomethingmoreintimate.SoIstoppedbyColeman’sandpickedupsomecheeses,crackers,andherfavoritepicklestomakeacharcuterieboard.IalsostoppedbyTheSweetLabforsomeassortedcookies.Iconsideredmakingsomeofthealmondcherrycookiesbutdidn’twanttoburnthem,soIthoughtbetterofit.
There’sthisspotoverinAlmondBay,theactualbaywhereit’sdry,wherethere’sabeautifulviewoftheoceanandthecliffsthatflankthewestsideofAlmondBay.Notmanypeoplegodownthere,soI’mhopingit’suninhabitedtonight.
“Youokay?”IaskHattieaswemakeourwaythroughthesand.Ihavemybackpackfulloffoodandablanket.Ithoughtaboutbringingmyguitarbutdecidednottoatthelastmoment.Idon’twantthistobeaboutme.Iwantittobeaboutuslearningmoreabouteachother.
“Great,”shesaysasshetakesmyhandandsmilesupatme.
“We’realmostthere.”
WeroundthecornerthatleadsintoAlmondBay,andthankfully,it’sabandoned.LikeIsaid,notmanypeoplewouldbehereorevenknowaboutit,forthatmatter.TherearemoreoldpeopleinAlmondBayatthispointthanyoung,andtheolderresidentswouldnevermakethetrek.
“I’msorryifthiswaslongerthanyouexpected,butthisisoneofmyfavoriteplaces.”
“Idon’tmindatall.It’sbeautifuldownhere.Icanseewhyit’syourfavorite.”
Ileadhertotheverycenterofthebayandsetmybackpackdown.Cliffsastallasfive-storybuildingssurroundus,analmond-shapedopeningleadingouttotheocean,givingustheperfectviewbutalsoseclusionatthesametime.
“Ialsobroughtalightincasewe’restilloutherewhenit’sdark.”Ipullouttheblanket,andIlayitdownonthesand.
“Youthoughtofeverything,”shesayswhiletakingaseat.
Ipulloutthepickles.“Itriedto.”
Hereyessoftenasanappreciativesmilepassesoverherbeautifullips.“OhGod,you’regoingtomakeitreallyhardtokeepmyhandstomyself,aren’tyou?”
“JusttryingtoshowyouthatIcareaboutyouisall.Ihaven’treallydonethis,atthiscapacity,sotellmeifIdosomethingwrong.”
Itakeaseatnexttoher,andherhandslipsbehindmyneckasshesays,“You’redoingprettygreatsofar.”Shepressesakisstomylips,andIinwardlysighashersoftmouthmovesovermine.Icouldeasilysinkintothis,liedownonmyback,anddragherwithme,butthat’snotthepointofthisdate.SoIpullawayandtakeadeepbreathasmyheadspinswithdesireforthiswoman.
Christ,eversinceshewalkedintomylife,Ihadn’tallowedmyselftotasteherandnowthatI’vebrokentheseal,it’slikeI’mcrazedandunabletogetenough.
“Jesus,”ImutterasIreachintomybackpack.
“What?”sheasks.
“Yourmouth.”Imeethereyes.“It’swhatsinsaremadeof.”
Shesmirks.“Icouldsaythesameaboutyou.”
“Somethingyou’llfindoutaboutsoon.”IwinkandthenpulloutthecheeseIputinasmallcooler,aswellasthedrinksandcrackerswithsomegrapes.Ilayeverythingoutandsay,“IwishIhadsomefancyplatingforyou,butthiswillhavetodo.”
“It’sperfect,”shesaysaswaveslappingtheshoresetarelaxingsoundtrackfortheevening.Idon’tthinkIcouldhavepickedamoreperfectspotforus.
“Thislooksdelicious,”shesaysasshepicksupapieceofColbyjackcheeseandpairsitwithacracker.
“Ialsobroughtaforkforyourpicklessoyoudon’thavetodipyourfingersinthejuice,leavingyouwithapicklehand.”
“Istheresomethingwrongwithpicklehand?”sheasks.
“Dependingonwhatkindofpickleyou’retouching,”Ianswerwithawiggleofmybrows,causinghereyestowiden.
“Gross.”Shepushesatme,makingmelaugh.“Thatwassuchatypicalmaleresponse.”
“Oh…fuck,sorry,didInotmentionI’maman?Thatmusthaveslippedbyme.”
“Isthishowit’sgoingtobe?You’regoingtobeasmart-ass?”
Ipushaloosestrandofhairbehindherear.“Unfortunately,foryou,yes.Youwanttoknowtherealme?Thisisit.”
“Ifthat’sthecase.”Shestands,butItugonherhand.
“Sitthefuckbackdown.”
Shelaughsandthencrossesherlegs,drapingherdressinjusttherightwaysonothingshows.“GuessI’llstaythen.”
“Damnright,you’llstay.”
***
“Iknownothingaboutyourparents,”Hattiesaysassheleansbackonherhands.Wejustfinishedeating,andIpackeduptheemptybins.Wejokedaroundalot,talkedaboutMacandhowstrong-willedbutsweet-heartedsheis,likeCassidy,thelossofherdad—I’dhadnoideahediedinatourbusaccidentwhenMacwasone—andhowshe’sdoingsinceshe’slostCassidy.
“Whatdoyouwanttoknowaboutthem?”IaskasIpullherclosertome,ourshouldersnowbumpingupagainsteachother.
“I’massumingthey’renotreallyinyourlife.Youspeaktoyourgrandma,though.”
“Becausesheraisedme,”Ianswer.“Mydadwasn’tagreatguy.Didn’tknowmuchabouthim,onlycantrulyrememberseeingthetaillightsofhiscarashedroveaway.Haven’theardfromhimsince.Hedidn’thavetheballstotrytocomebackintomylifewhenIstartedhittingitbig.Mymom,well,shejustdecidedonedayshedidn’twanttobeaparentanymore.Toldmethatinalettershegavemeandleftmewithmygrandma.”
“OhmyGod,”Hattiesays,turningtowardme.“That’sawful.Howoldwereyou?”
“Twelve,”Ianswer.“ShewenttoliveinArizonawithRay,hernowhusband.Theyownapawnshoptogether.Thefirsttimesheheardmeontheradio,shecalledmetocongratulatemeandaskedifIwantedtocelebrate.Itoldhertofuckoff.She’scomebackafewtimessincethen,wantingtocelebratemyaccomplishments,butIhaven’tlether.ThenightSamanthacheatedonRyland,Iactuallygotinafightwithheronthephone.Iresortedtooldhabits,gotsofuckedup.It’swhySamanthafounditeasytosayIfuckedher,becauseshedidn’tthinkI’dremembereitherway.Buttrustme,Iremembereverythingfromthatnight.Everygoddamnthing.”Ipause.Ittookmesolongtoseethatmymomwasinthewrong,butitcertainlywasn’tthatnight.I’venevertoldasoul,aswhohaveIhadtotell?ButnowIhaveHattie.“ThatwasthenightmymomtoldmesheshouldhaveneverhadmeinthefirstplacebecauseIwasaselfishprickwhowouldn’thelpheroutwithmoney.Youdon’tforgetthingslikethat.”
“I’msosorry,”Hattiesayssoftly.“I…Ididn’tknow.Ishouldn’thaveasked.”
“I’mgladyoudid,”Isay,takingherhandinmine.“Iwanttobehonestwithyouabouteverything.Themoreyouask,themoreI’lltellyouthetruth,andthemoreyou’llknow.”
“Well,youdeservebetter,”shesays.“I’mgladyouhaveyourgrandma.Iassumeyou’reclose.”
“Weare.ShehashermomentswhenIknowsheresentedmeatpointsinmylife.Imean,Iwasatwelve-year-oldpunkbrokenbyabandonment.IlashedouteverychanceIgot.It’sprobablywhyIhaven’thadanyrealrelationships,andmostcertainlywhyIdidn’tfightforRyland,becauseifhewantedtoleavetooandnotlistentomysideofthestory,thenIwasgoodwithhimleaving.Wouldn’tbethefirstperson,wouldn’tbethelast.”
“Doyoustillhavethatmindset?”sheasks.
“IliketothinkthatIdon’tsinceit’ssomethingI’veworkedon,butIcan’tmakeanypromises.Istruggledeeplywithabandonment.”
“Icanseewhy.”Shegetsonherhandsandkneesandcrawlsbetweenmylegs,leaningherbackagainstmychest.Iwrapmyarmsaroundherandassheturnsherheaduptolookatme,shepuckersherlips.Iplaceasoftkissonhermouth,andsheturnsbackaround.
Igriphertightly,soakinginthecomfortfromherwarm,softbody,thesweetscentofherperfume,andtheunderstandableholdshehasonmyheart.IhavenoideahowI’veexistedwithoutthislevelofcloseness.Hattie’sshowingmeexactlywhat’sbeenmissinginmylife.Genuinecareandaffection.Warmth.Acceptance.AndIneverwanttolosethis.
“IneverknewaboutthatsideofyourlifebecauseyouwereshunnedfromthefamilybythetimeIwasoldenoughtobeapartoftheseconversations.DidRylandknow?”
“RylandandAbelknoweverything.TheonlythingRylanddoesn’tknowiswhatmylifehasbeenlikesincethefight.”
“Hasanythingchangedsincethen?”
“Nothingofsignificance,”Ianswer.“Honestly,it’salmostasifI’vebeenwalkingaroundinahazeforthelastdecadeorso.Therearen’tmanythingsthatstickouttomeotherthanprofessionalaccomplishments.Thosearegreatandall,butnotwhenyoudon’thaveanyonetosharethemwith.”
“YouhadyourgrandmaandAbel.”
Inod.“AndRuben,he’smyagent.Butthat’sprettymuchit.”
“Howdoyoufeelnow?Stillfeellikeyou’reinthathaze?”
“No,”Ianswer.“Themomentyousteppedontomyporchwithabox,itwaslikethehazelifted.IwasintriguedthatyouwereRyland’ssister.Thedangeroussideofmewantedtoplayaroundtofuckwithhim,butasIspentmoretimewithyou,IrealizedthedamageIcoulddo,andthat’swhenIstartedtopullaway,whichprovedtobetoohard.Itriedtoreturntothathaze,butitwasimpossiblewithyouwalkingaroundthehouseeveryday.”
“Well,I’mgladyou’renotbacktherenow.”
Ikissthesideofherneckgentlyandask,“Whataboutyou?Doyouevermissyourparents?”
“Sometimes,”shesays.Ican’timaginewhatlosingyourmomtobreastcancerandthenyourdadtoaheartattackdoestosuchalittlegirl.ShewasluckytohaveRylandandCassidy,whosteppedupandtookcareoftheiryoungersisters.“Ididn’tknowmymomallthatwell,butfromwhatIheard,shewasn’tentirelythemostloving,caringmom.AndDad,well,secretly,Iwaskindofgladhedied.Hewas…justawful.”
Iholdhertighter.IhavestrongmemoriesofhowMr.andMrs.Rowleytreatedtheirkids.That’swhatIhadtorefertothemastoo.Theyweren’twarmpeople.ThedayMr.RowleybeatRylandwithhisowngloveafteragamewherehestruckoutthreetimeshasbeenimprintedonmymind.Heberatedhimbehindthedugout,tellingRylandhewasn’tworkinghiswaytothegravetoseehissonstrikeout.Theirparentsmighthaveputaroofovertheirheadsandfoodonthetable,buttheywerecold.Mean.IplaceakissonHattie’sforehead,hopingdesperatelysheneverreceivedherfather’swrath,somethingthatgotworseafterMrs.Rowleydied.
“Dad…well,youprobablyknowthis,buthehitRyland.Heneverraisedahandtome,buthewasawfultoRyland.WouldmakesureRylandhadahardtimewakingupthenextmorning.It’swhyIwassoattachedtoCassidy,becauseshewasthemainadultfigureinmylifewhoofferedmethecomfortandloveeverylittlekiddesired.EvenwhenshegotmarriedandhadMac,Iwasstillverymuchapartofherlife.”
“I’mgladyouhadherandI’msorrythatshewastakenaway.”
“Thankyou,”shesayssoftly.“TherearedayswhereIstillcan’tbelieveshe’sgone,likethisissomesortofsickprank,butafterspendingaweekinherroom,Ithinkit’sstartingtosinkin.”
“Doyouthinkithelped?”
“Yes,”shesays.“IthinkIneededtohavethatconnectionwithher,thatmoment.ShepassedwhenIwasstillatcollege.Shewouldn’tletmecomehome.Shesaidshewasfineandshewasgoingtomakeit.Well,Ithinkweknowhowthatturnedout.Comingbackintotown,notfeelingherwarmhug,orseeingherbrilliantsmile,orhearinghowproudsheisofme…”IhearthewaverinhervoicesoIpullherinevencloser.
“It’sokay,Hattie.”
Shesniffs.“Sorry.”
“Don’tapologize.It’sgoodtotalkaboutit.It’sgoodtocry.”
“Butonourfirstdate?Thatdoesn’tseemright.”
“Therearenorulesaboutfirstdates.Wecanmakeithowwewantit.”Thewindpicksuptheedgeoftheblanket,flippingitoverherfeet,butshedoesn’tmove.Instead,shecuddlesinevencloser.
“Ijustmissher,Hayes.IwishIcouldhavespentonemoredaywithherbeforesheleft.”
“Whatwouldthatdayhavebeenlike?”Ineverreallysawthemtogether,butIdorememberhowmaternalCassidywas.Shealwaysseemedtojust…knowwhatpeopleneededandwhen.
“Itwouldstartwithourfavoritebreakfastofeggs,bacon,anddonutsfromTheSweetLab.Shelovedthemapleones.Thenwe’dspendhoursgoingantiqueshopping.Shecollectedvintagetableclothsandrunners,butonlycertainones.Theyhadtobestainedandwellloved.”
“Why’sthat?”Iask.
“Becausethepristineones,someonewouldbuy,butthestainedoneswithtears,thosestillneededahome.Afterthat,probablypickupapuzzleatPiecesandPages.ShelovedpuzzlesjustasmuchasIdidandwe’dhavespenttherestofthedayeatingpizza,pineappleandpepperoniofcourse,watchingold-schoolmoviesfromtheearly’90s,andputtingtogetherourpuzzle.ShewouldhavetalkedabouthowJakeRyanfromSixteenCandleswasthebestmovieboyfriendofalltime,andI’dhavearguedwithherthatitwasRonaldMillerfromCan’tBuyMeLovebecausePatrickDempseyissohot.”
Ichuckle.“Idon’tknow,JakeRyanhadthecar.RonaldMillerhadalawnmower.”
“Itwasendearing,”shesays,exasperatedasifshe’shadthisconversationamilliontimes.
“Well,eitherway,itsoundsliketheperfectdaytome.”
“Itwouldhavebeen.”
Sheshiversundermyarms,andIask,“Areyougettingcold?”
“Alittle.”
Ikissthesideofherheadandsay,“Let’spackup.”
“ButIdon’twantthenighttoend.”
“Itwon’t,”IanswerasIstandandpullherupwithme.“Istillhaveotherthingsplanned.”
***
“Comfortable?”Iask.
“Very,”shesaysasshesnugglesintome.
Afterwepackedupandmadethetrekbacktomycar,Iwarmedherupwithmyheatedseatsandpre-controlledclimatesoshedidn’thavetowaitlongtobewarm.Ithendrovehernorthtoaspotjustpastmyhouse,wherethefieldgrassishigh,there’szerolightpollution,andthesoundoftheoceanstillfillstheair.
Ilaidouttwocushionedmatsontheground,coveredthemwithblankets,addedtwopillows,andthenhelpedherdownontothemakeshiftbedsowecouldstareupatthestars.
“Thisisbeautiful,Hayes.”
“I’vebeenheremanytimes,especiallywhenIneedtoclearmyheadbutdon’twanttobedirectlyonthebeach.It’sthebestplacetowatchameteorshower.”
“Haveyouevertakenagirlhere?”
Ishakemyhead.“Never.You’rethefirst.”
“I’mhonored,”shesays.“Yoursacredspot.Icanseewhyyou’vegatekeptitforsolong.”
“Notafraidofsharingitwithyou,butyoubetternottakeanyoneelsehere.”
Shechuckles.“WhowouldItakehere?”
“Idon’tknow…yourbrother?”
“Ew.”Shepokesmyside.“WhatiswrongwithyouthatyouthinkI’dtakemybrothertoaromanticspotlikethis?”
“Honestly,Idon’tknow.I’mstillrecoveringfromtheflowersincident.”
“Ithinkwe’llallberecoveringfromthatforawhile,includingMac.”
“Idon’tknow.Sheseemedtoshakeitoffprettyquickly.Butgoodluckgettinghertostopsayingdick.Ithinkthat’singrainedasacorememorynow.”
“SomethingRylandwillhavetodealwith.Hestartedit,sohe’llhavetotrytotakeitback,”shesays,herhairbrushingagainstmychinasshesnuggles.
“Istillcan’tbelievehe’stechnicallyadad.”
“Iknow.Despitebeingateacher,henevershowedinterestinhavingkids,buthe’salwayshadasoftspotforMac.IthinkCassidyknewhe’dbeabletostepintotherolenaturally.I’mnotsayingit’sbeeneasyforhim,buthe’sfindinghisway.”
“Andareyoufindingyourway?”Iask.
Herheadtuckedintomyshoulderandchestasherhandrestsonmypec,shesays,“Umm,notreally.Imean,I’mgettingmymaster’sinbusinessmanagement,butIdon’tknowwhattodowiththat.IalwaysthoughtafterIwasdone,I’dcomehomeandhelpCassidyatthestore.ButIdon’tknownow.MaggiehastoldmeIshouldhelpherwithherweddingbusiness,butinallhonesty,Idon’tthinkIwanttostayinSanFrancisco,andI’malsonotintoherhours.Iswearshe’salwaysworkingandI’dalwaysfeelIshouldworkthesamehours.”
“Icanunderstandthat.Nottomention,youshouldnevergointobusinesswithfriends.”
“I’veheardthataswell.SothatleavesmewithnoideasregardingwhatdirectionIwanttotake.”
“Youhavetimetofigureitout.”
“Notreally,”shesays.“Imean,it’snotlikeI’mswimmingincashoverhere.I’llhavetogetajob.Andafterafailedsemester,myscholarshipisontheline.”
“Youhaveajobwithme,”Isay.
“Ifeelweirdworkingforyounow.Whenwehatedeachother,Ihadnoproblemtakingmoneyfromyou.Itfeltgreat,actually.”Ichuckle.“Butnowthatwe’re,youknow,seeingeachother,itdoesn’tfeelright.”
“Listen,”Isay,tiltingherchinuptolookatme.“Myhouseisagoddamndisasterbecauseofyou.Youstartedajob,andyouwillfinishit.Afteryou’redonewiththatjob,youcandowhateverthehellyouwant,untilthen,Iownyou.”
Shelaughs.“Doyoureallythinkthatkindofattitudewillgetyouwhatyouwant?”
Myhandthat’swrappedaroundherbackslidestoherhip,andItugonherdress,pullingupthehemsoIcanfeelherskinundermypalm.“Yes,Ido.”
“Whydidyoubringmeouthere?”sheasks,herfingersmakingaslowcircularmotiononmychest.
“RememberwhenweweresittingbythefirepitwhenMaggievisited?”
“Yes.ThatwasoneofthefirsttimesIfeltbutterfliesinmystomach.I’vealwaysheardCassidytalkaboutthatfeelingyougetinyourstomachwhensomethingtrulyexcitesyou.Doyouremembergivingmeyoursweatshirtbecauseitwaschilly?ThemomentIputiton,itfeltlikemystomachwasbeingliftedbythousandsofbutterflies.”
“Fuck,ifonlyIknewthat,”Isay,sadthatIcouldn’tcapitalizeonthatmoment.
“Youwouldn’thavedoneanything.YouandIbothknowthat.”
“True,IwishIcouldhave.”
Shetiltsmyfacetowardherswithherfingers.“Dosomethingaboutthismoment.”
Myteethfallovermylip,andmyhanddrawsuptocupherbareass.Thesolidpalmfulimmediatelymakesmehard.
ButIcontrolmyselfasIsay,“Thatnight,aswestaredatthestars,Itoldyouhowthey’dbecomethekeytokeepingmesane,torememberingwhereI’mfromandwhoIam.”Shenods,herfingerstoyingwiththecollarofmyshirt.“IwantedtobringyououtheresoIcanaddanothergroundingspot.SoIcanlookupatthestarsandrememberthismomentwithyou.”
“Hayes,”shesayssoftly.
“Wehadabrutalbeginning,Hattie.Ihurtyouseveraltimes.AndIdon’twantyoutorecallthosemomentswhenyoulookbackatus.Iwantyoutorememberthismoment,wherewelieunderthestars,groundingusintimetothisspot,andstartedsomethingnew.”Icupherface.“Idon’tknowwherethiswilltakeusorwhat’sgoingtohappeninthefuture,butIdoknowIlikeyou,alot,andIwanttotrywithyou.Inthefuture,therewillbemomentslikecommercialswithOdette,ortours,ormyattentionbeingpulledindifferentdirections,butthisrighthere,usunderthestars,it’swhatI’llalwayscomebacktoinmymind.You,me,andablanketofthepeacefulnightsky.”
Shewetsherlipsandshiftssoherdelicatemouthcanfindmine.Thesmellofdriedgrassandthedampnightairsurroundsus.Igetlostinherheatedtouch,herpassionatekiss,andhertentativetongue.
Ourbodiespresstogether,ourmouthspartwide,andmytonguedivesagainsthers,tanglingashergriponmegrowsstronger.
Fuck…hermouthissodelicious.Naivebutsexy.
Andwitheverydipofhertongue,everymoveofherhand,mycontrolstartstoslipfurtherandfurtheruntilIknowinglypullawaybeforeIdosomethingshe’snotreadyfor.
“Hattie,weneed…weneedtotakeasecond.”
Herdreamyeyesopen,andasshestaresdownatme,herteethrolloverthecornerofhermouthandherhandlowersdownmystomach.
Fuck.
Me.
“Careful,”Itellher.“Youdon’twanttostartsomethingyoucan’tfinish.”
“ButIhaven’tfinishedinsolong,”shecoosintomyearasherhandfindsthewaistofmyjeans.
“Hattie.”Ibreatheheavily,feelingmypantsgrowtightjustfromthethoughtofherhandslippingpastthewaistband.“Seriously,Iwon’tbeabletocontrolmyself.”
“Good,”shesaysasherfingersdipundermyjeansandmyboxerbriefs.
“Fuck.Hattie,seriously.”Ismoothmypalmoverherthong-coveredass,grippingthestringtightly.
“I’mbeingserious,”shesaysasherhandslipsfartherandfarther…andfarther…
Ifocusonthecourageinhereyesasherfingertipspassovermyerection.Thenthemostdeliciousexpressioncrossesherface.
Joy.
Nerves.
Anappetiteforme.
They’reallthere,andunfortunately,nothingcanstopmeasIgrowlandfliphertoherbacksoI’mhoveringoverher.Shespreadsherlegs,welcomingmybody.
Surprisedatfirst,ittakesherasecondtoadjust,butwhenshefeelsmypelvispressagainsthers,sheasks,“Whatcanyoudotomethatwillmakemecomebutwillkeepourclothesonatthesametime?”
“Alot,”Isay,mycontrolcompletelygone,mydickleadingthewaynow.“Namewhatyouwant.It’syours.”
Ihikeherdressuparoundherwaistsothefabricisn’tinourway.
Ilowermymouthtohers,notpressingallmyweightintoherbutjustenoughsoshecanfeelme.Languidly,Ikissher,takingthelead,notusingtongueatfirst,butteasingherwithmylips.
Herhanddrivesthroughmyhair,tuggingonthestrandsasherlegswraparoundmine,pullingmypelvisclosertohers,butmyjeanscan’tpossiblyfeelgoodrubbingagainsther,soIliftandstaredownather.
“Undomyjeansandpushthemdown.”
“Wh-what?”sheasks,lookingcutelynervous.
“Keepmybriefsonbutpushdownmyjeans.It’llfeelbetter.”
“Okay,”shesays.Shereachesformyjeansandundoesthem,thenslowlypushesthemdownmythighsuntilthey’reoutoftheway,leavingmesittinguponmykneesinmyboxerbriefsandmymassivelylargebulgestretchingforrelease.
“OhmyGod,”shesaysquietlyasherhandrunsalongmylength,herfingertipstantalizingme.Icanfeelmycocktwitchunderhertouch.“You’resobig,Hayes.”
“Getusedtoit,”Isay.“Whenyou’reready,I’mgoingtofillyouupwithmycock…inyourmouth,pussy,andass.”
Hereyesflashuptomine,andbeforeshecanmakearetort,Icarefullylowerherbackdownonthecushionandblanketsandthensettlemyselfbetweenherlegs.Thistime,Ipressintoherwithmylength,causinghertogaspoutandgripmyshoulderstightly.
“Hayes,”shesaysbreathlessly.Ithreadmyhandintoherhair,gripthestrands,andpullherheadbacksoIcanrunmytonguealongthecolumnofherneck.Idragitdownandthenkissmywayup,nippingatthesametime.
Imoveoverherjawandsay,“There’sonethingyouneedtoknow.”Ibringmymouthtojustabovehers,andInipatherlowerlip,givingitalighttugbeforesaying,“Thisbody,theselips,thispussy”—Ithrustintoher,andshegaspsloudly—“theybelongtomenow.Ifwe’redoingthis,we’redoingitmyway,meaningyou”—Idropkissesdownherneck—“are…mine.”Irunmytonguealonghercollarboneandthentothejunctureofhershoulder,whereIbitedownonherskinwhiledrivingmycockoverherpussy,draggingandpressingintoheratthesametime.
“Fuck,”shewhispersasherfingersdigintomyT-shirt.
“That’sit,Hattie.Don’tholdback,”IsayasIdriveintoheragain.Thistime,herlegswidenmore.“Holdyourknees,andspreadyourlegswider.Idon’twantanythinginmyway.”
“H-how?”sheasks.I’mstartingtorealizeshe’snotasexperiencedasIthoughtshewas.
Iliftandspreadherlegswide,thenpushthemup.Iglancedownatherbarely-coveredpussyandfeelmymouthwateratthesightofit.Iwanttoburymyheadbetweenherlegs,tasteher,makehercomeonmytongue.Iwanttohearhermoans,feelhershiverbeneathmefromjustmymouth,butIalsoknowshewantsthis.Shewantsthefriction,thepassion,thetemptationwithoutgoingtoofar.
“Gripyourkneesandkeepthemlikethis.”
Shenodsandplacesherhandsonherkneeswhilesheleansbackonthepillow.HereyesarewildasIbenddown,myheadfallingbetweenherlegs.Imightnotlickher,butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tatleastgetclose.IrunmynosealongthefabricofherthongandseetheshakeinherbodyasIslowlyclimbupuntilIreachhermouth.Iglidemytongueoverherlips,partingthem,andthenthrustmytongueagainstherswhileIthrustmyhipsaswell.
Shegroansagainstmymouthandthenmatchesthestrokesofmytonguewithhers,sotheydance,suck,andtempt.She’sanexpertwithhermouth,howshekisses,andhowsheteases.Howgoodwouldshebeatsuckingmycock?
Myguess…reallyfuckinggood.
Itearmymouthawayagainandmoveitoverherjaw,thistimegoingdowntheothersideofherneck,pasthercollarbone,justabovetheswellofherbreast.IdragmytongueoverthetopofherdressandthensuckherskinintomymouthasIthrustontoher.
“God,Hayes,”shesays,hervoicebreathynow.“Feels…so…”HerwordsarecutoffwithamoanasIbringmymouthoverthefabricofherdressandsuckononeofherhardnipples,thefloralmaterialinconvenient.Itdoesn’tseemtobotherherbecauseherbackarches,movingherbreastdeeperintomymouth.“Fuck,”shesays,herbodystartingtotense,soImoveovertotheotherbreast,whereIdothesamething.IbringhernippleintomymouthandthenshearchesherbacksoIcansuckitharder.
Unabletokeepmyhandstomyself,IgripthebreastI’mnotsuckingon,ignitingtheflameforbothofus.I’msuchatitman,anysize,andHattie’sarefuckingperfect.Nottoosmall,nottoobig,justright,andittakeseverythinginmenottopulldownherdressandexposethem.Instead,Ipickupthepaceofmyhips,creatingmoreheat,drivingupthefrictionuntilshe’spanting,squirmingbeneathme.
“Fuck,Hayes…fuck,I—”
“Tellme,baby,”Isay.“Tellmeyou’regoingtocome.”Ipauseonherbreasts,propmyhandsoneithersideofherandfocusonlyonmyhips,drivingthemupanddown,rubbingagainstherclit,puttingherinapositionofnoreturn.Herheadtiltsback,hermouthfallsopen,andalongmoanfallspastherlipsassheshattersbeneathme.
Ipumpagainstherafewmoretimes,lettingherrideoutherorgasmuntilshereleasesherarmsandsherelaxes.That’swhenIpullofftotheside,mybacktowardher,andwhipmycockout.IsmoothmyhandovertheprecumonthetipofmydickanduseitaslubricantwhileIpumpmylength,thesoundofherorgasmstillfreshinmyears.Ittakesmeafewseconds,butI’mcominginthegrass,mybacktensing,mygroanloudenoughtodrawattentionfromanyonenearby.WhenIfinish,Isitbackonmykneesandslipmycockbackinmybriefs,catchingmybreath.
IglanceovermyshoulderatHattie,watchingmefrombehind.Iliftonmyknees,pullmypantsbackon,andthenIhoveroverher,dippingmyheaddownandkissingheronthelips.
“Fuckme,youhavethesweetestlips,”Isay,cuppinghercheekandlettingmymouthtakeover.Ineedtotasteher.Justonetaste.SoImovedownherbody,betweenherlegs,whereIslidethethinpieceoffabrictothesideanddrivemytongueupherslit,tastingherarousalwithoneswipe.Fuck.She’ssosweet.
Shegasps,andjustasquicklyasItastedher,Icoverherupandbringherdressdown.Hereyeswide,shestaresupatme,andItakethemomenttowetmylips,draggingherarousalovermymouth.
“Fuckingdelicious.”
Andjustlikethat,evenunderthemoonlight,Icanseethatsexyblushofhers.
Fuck,I’mgoingtohavesomuchfunwithher.Andthisisonlythebeginning.ChapterEighteen
HATTIE
Maggie:HEWHAT?!?!
Icurluponmybed,knowingit’slate,butIcan’tpossiblysleep,notafterthenightIhad.ItextedMaggiethemomentIgothome,andthankfully,shewasstillawake.
Hattie:Youreadthatright,hedraggedhistongueovermyslitandthensaidIwasfuckingdelicious.
Maggie:Callthefuckingfiredepartmentbecausemynetherregionsareonfire.
Hattie:Ithinkminearestillburningup.EverytimeIthinkaboutit,Igetall…hotandtingly.
Maggie:Iwashotandtinglythemomentyoutoldmehecameinthegrass.Idon’tknowwhy,butIfindthatincrediblyerotic.Couldn’tcomeonyoubecauseyou’refartooprecious,sohecameonthegrass.Hot!
Hattie:Itwasreallyhot,themostintensesexualexperienceofmylife,andhedidn’tevenpenetrateme.
Maggie:Whichcanonlymeanonething…youneedtogetoverthiswholetakingitslowthing.You’remissingout,girl.Thinkofalltheorgasmsthismancandeliver.Theyareworld-class.
Hattie:Iknow.Aftertonight,I’mnotsureI’llbeabletoholdback.
Maggie:See,toldyou.MenlikeHayesdon’tcomealongveryoften.Takeadvantageofit.
Hattie:Ireallywanttodothisright,though.Idon’twanttoendupbeinganotheroneofhisroadies.
Maggie:Youknowthat’snotthecase.Idoubthe’shadintimateconversationswiththosewomen.You’redifferent.
Hattie:IthinkIamtoo,butIwanttobesure,youknow?
Maggie:Igetit.Sohowdidthedateend?
Hattie:Westaredupatthestarsawhilelonger.Hetoldmeaboutthemeteorshowersheusedtowatch,andthenhetookmebackhome.Hewalkedmeuptothefrontdoor,gentlykissedme,andtoldmehe’dseemetomorrow.
Maggie:What’stomorrow?
Hattie:Apparently,I’mstillworkingforhim.
Maggie:Oh,whatashame.
Hattie:Youdon’tthinkit’sweird?
Maggie:Uh,co-workerstolovers,yeah,I’mnotcomplainingaboutthat.Don’tbendoverinfrontofhimtoomuch,mightenticehimtoplowyoufrombehind.
Hattie:Seriously,whatiswrongwithyou?
Maggie:Frankly,Idon’tknow.Ithinkthisbusinessisgettingthebestofme.PlusIwasreadingabookoneofthebridesmaidsrecommendedtomeaboutahockeyplayerandaten-yearagegap.**Whispers**Hefucksherinherdorm.I’veneverbeenmoreturnedon.
Hattie:Whathaveyoudonetomybestfriend?
Maggie:She’soverworked,exhausted,andhorny.Thisiswhatyouget.
Hattie:Fair.Doyouneedhelp?Imean,Idon’treallywanttoworkwithyou,I’mtooscareditcouldhurtourfriendship,butIcanalwaysassistinanywayyouneed.
Maggie:Iappreciateit,butIthinkyou’reright.Weneedtokeepthingsseparate.I’llbeokay.Ihavethenexttwodaysoff,andI’mgoingtodonothingbutreadandbingeOnlyMurdersintheBuilding.Selenaisqueen.
Hattie:Sheis.Okay,I’llletyougettosleep.
Maggie:I’msohappyforyouandyourclit.Liveinthemomentanddon’toverthinkit,okay?
Hattie:Thankyou.Loveyou.
Maggie:Loveyou.
***
IthoughtworkingwithHayeswasdistractingbefore,butnowthathe’smorecomfortablewithmeinhishousebecausewe’redating,seeinghimwalkaroundwithhisshirtoffinnothingbutapairofjeans,strumminghisguitar,I’mgettingnothingdone.
AndImeannothing.
“Canyouputagodforsakenshirton?”Iyelloverhisguitarplaying.
Hepausesandlooksupatmefromwherehe’ssittingonthehearthinhisloungeroom.
Hairallmussed,nosockson,justjeans,andhisperfectlytonedchestonfulldisplay,he’ssohandsomethatitactuallyhurtstolookathim.
“What?”
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Ican’tfocuswithyouplayingyourguitarshirtless,soifyouwouldpleasegoinyourstudioordressyourself,thatwouldbeappreciated.”
Theproudestofsmilescrosseshisfaceasherestshisarmonthetopofhisguitarandstaresintomyverysoulwithhisalluringeyes.“Areyousayingyou’rehavingahardtimeconcentratingbecauseyoucan’tstopstaringatme?”
“That’sexactlywhatI’msaying,andno,Idon’tneedyoutorubitin.”
“Oh,Iwanttorubsomething,that’sfordamnsure,”hesaysashestandsandsetshisguitardown.
“Stoprightthere,mister,”Isay,holdingmyhandup.“TherewillbenotouchingorhumpingwhileI’monthejob.Iwillnotbepaidforsex.”
“Fine,you’refired.I’llrehireyouafter.”Hestepsoverapileofpapers,andIstand,backingaway.
“I’mserious,Hayes.”
Hiseyesarehungryanddangerous.“SoamI.”
OhdearGod.
Helungestowardme,andIscootoutoftheway,ascreamfallingoffmytongueasIrunbehindthekitchenisland
Heglancesinmydirection,hairfallingoverhisforehead,determinationclear.“Hattie,”hesays,straighteningup.“Wecaneitherdothistheeasywayorthehardway.”Hewalkstowardthekitchen,hisjeanslooseonhisnarrow,rippedwaist,hischestproud,andthoseboulder-likearmspullingmyattention.He’ssohot.
AndI’mjustdistractedenoughtoforgetI’mkeepinghimaway.Hemovestomysideoftheisland,andIquicklyroundthecornertotheotherside.
Bothhandsonthecounter,palmsflatagainstthecoldsurface,hestaresmedown.“Hattie,youwon’tlikewhathappensifyoudon’tgiveineasily.”
“Areyouthreateningme?”Iask,slowlybackingup.
“Iam,”heanswersasheturnsandrunstowardme.
Iscreamandsprintdownthehallway,hisfootstepsclosebehind,soclosethatIjuketothelefttotrytothrowhimoffbutrealizeit’sahugemistakebecauseIjukedrightintohisbedroom.Ipauseforamillisecondtofigureoutwhattodo,butthat’sallittakes.Hescoopsmeupfrombehindandthentossesmeonthebed.
Shocked,Ilookuptoseehimkneelonthebedandpracticallycrawltowardme,lookinglikeadesperatewolfabouttoeathisprey.IscootbackonmybuttandhandsuntilIreachtheheadboard.
“Nowheretogo,”hesaysashegrabsmyanklesandyanksmebetweenhislegswherehepresseshisweightontopofme.
Breathless,Isay,“Ididnotcometoyourhousetobesexualized,mister.Icametowork.”
“Ohyeah,Iforgot.”Helowershisheadandspeaksdirectlyintomyear.“You’refired.”Andthenhislipspressagainstmyneck.
Isighintohistouchashishandsworkupmyshirt,tuggingthefabricuntilhecan’tmoveitanymore.That’swhenIlift,andhepullsitovermyhead,leavingmeinnothingbutmybra.
Hismouthfloatsuptomyjawandthentomylipswherehecontrolsmymouthlikehehasdoneeveryotherkisshe’sgivenme.Demanding.He’spossessivewithhismovements,reiteratingthenarrativethatIbelongtohimandonlyhim.
Fromthetouchofhiswarmpalmtotheslicknessofhismouthandthepressofhisbulgeintome,there’snowayIcouldeverwantanyoneelse,notwhenHayesmakesmelightuplikethisinseconds.
Hegroansashereleasesmymouthandthenbitesdownonmyneck,probablyleavinganothermarklikehedidthenightbefore.IwokeupthismorningwithseveralbitemarksIhadtocoverup,marksIhadnoproblemtouching,marvelingat.
Hetravelspastmycollarboneandthenstraighttotheswellofmybreasts.HishandsfalltomyAcups,andhesqueezesthemasheburieshisfacebetweenthem,licking,sucking,biting.
He’sravenous.
“Jesus,”IwhisperasIgripthebackofhishead,myhipsnowseekingsomerelief.
Hepullsback,flipsoneofthecupsofmybradown,exposingmybreast.“Fuckinghell,”hemuttersrightbeforehelapsatmynipplewiththetipofhistongue.Thesensationimmediatelycausesmetobuckupmyhips.
“Yes,”Isay,wantingsomuchmore
“Youlikethat?”heasksashemovestotheotherbreast.
“Yes,”Ianswer,squirmingbeneathhim.
“Areyouwet?”He’sflickingsorapidlythatIdon’tevenhavetocheck.IknowIam.
“Yes,”Icryoutwhenhisteethtugonmynipple.
“Good,”hesaysashesucksmynipplebetweenhislipsandthenreleasesme,pushingallthewaybackandleavingmethere,stunned.
Hegetsoffthebed,thebulgeinhispantsunmistakableashetugsonhishair.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask,sittinguponmyelbows.
“Itoldyou,youcouldcometometheeasywayorthehardway.Youchosethehardway,sonowyou’llhavetolivewiththeconsequences.”
Heturnsawayfrommeandheadsoutofhisbedroom.
I’msoquickoutofthebedthathebarelyleavestheroombeforeItugonhishand,spinninghimtowardme.Hepresseshishandtomystomachandpinsmeagainstthewall.
“Doyouhaveaproblem?”heasks.
“Yes,”Ianswer,thewindnearlyknockedoutofme.“Youcan’tjustleavemelikethis.”
“Youshouldhavethoughtaboutthatearlier,”hesaysasherubshisnoseacrossmycheek,stillturningmeon.
Twocanplaythisgame.
Ashemoveshisnoseovermyjaw,Ireachdownbetweenusandcuphiminmypalm.
“Motherfucker,”hewhispersasherestshisforeheadagainstmycheek.
“YouneedthisjustasmuchasIdo,”Isay,bringingmyotherhandtohisjeansandundoingthem.
“Shit.”HebreathesheavilyjustasIpushathisjeans,andtheyfallpasthisass.Helifts,hiseyeslockingwithmine,andbeforeIcantakeanotherbreath,he’sslippinghisfingerspastthewaistbandofmyspandexshortsandpeelingthemdownmybodyuntilIstepoutofthem.Oncefree,hishandsgripmythong-coveredass,andheliftsmeagainstthewall,onlytosettlemerightoverhiscock.Theonlythingbetweenusisthefabricofourunderwear.
“Hayes,you’resohuge,”Isayasheliftsmyarms,andthenpinsthemagainstthewallabovemyhead.
Hethrustshishipsintome,andIwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist,holdinghimclose,thefrictionbetweenusalreadyhot,alreadybringingmetotheedge
“Ican’tfuckingwaittogetinsidethispussy,”hesays,thrustingharder.“I’mgoingtodestroyit.”
Hismouthfindsmine,andhepartsmylipswithhistonguebeforedivingitagainstmine.Hereleasesoneofmyhands,gripsmycheek,andanglesmymouthbetter.
“Rideme,”hesays.
Islipmyarmaroundhisneckformoresupport,andthenIliftupandslamdown.
“Fuckingyes,”hegruntsasawaveofarousalbeatswithmypulse,runningrampantthrougheverylastinchofmybody.
Continuingthesamemovement,Ifindhislipsandcontinueourkiss,rubbingagainsthim,lettingtheoutlineofhislengthbringmehigherandhighertothepointofnoreturn.
God,Iwanthiscock.AndIknowIsaidIwasgoingtotakethisslow,buthell,whatwoulditfeelliketohavehiminsideme,toseewhathecandowithallourclothesoff?
Amazing.Iknowitwouldbe.
Ialsowanttofeelhiscockinmyhandsandmymouth.Iwanttorunmytongueoverit,suckthetip,playwithhisballs,makehimsocrazywithneedthathecan’tthinkofanyoneelsebutme.
Thatheneverwantsanyoneelse…butme.
“Biteme,”Isayashismouthreleasesmine.
Histeethclampovermyshoulder,andhebitesdownhard,thesensationpouringthroughmelikeliquidlava.I’veneverhaditthishard,thispassionatebefore.It’sasifwe’rebothrabidforeachother,unabletogetenoughorsatisfyourneeduntilwebothfallover.
Ipumpharderoverhim,hisbodyhelpingme.ThegirthofhiscockrubbingovermyclitgivesmeeverythingIneed,lightingupmybodyandshootingitintoanumbstatewherethemusclesinmycorepullandtighten.
“I’m…close,”Isay,movingfaster.
“Fuck,metoo,”hegruntsout,hisbreathheavyonmyearashisfreehandclutchesmyass,andheholdsmeinplaceagainstthewallashepulseshardernow,drivingintome.
“Fuck,Hayes,”Isay,mymusclestensing.
Thrust.
Mystomachbottomsout.
Thrust.
Mypussyclenches.
Onemorethrust.
AndIshatteragainsthim,mymoansilencedbyhismouthashecapturesmylipsagain,drivinghishipsmoreandmoreandmoreuntilhetenses,groansagainstmylips,andthensays,“Fuckinghell…”
Hestiffensandshuddersagainstmewhilewebothslowdownandtakedeep,longbreaths.
Hisforeheadpressesagainstmine,andhesays,“Icouldgetusedtothedry-humping.”
Iletoutashakylaugh.“Andyouweremakingfunofit.”
“Whydry-humpwhenyoucanhavetherealthing?”
“Becausethisdrivesthetension.Makestheneedmuchhigher.”
“Trustme,babe,theneedisatanall-timehigh.Can’tgetmuchneedieroverhere.”Hepressesachastekisstomylipsashelowersme.“ButI’lltakewhatIcanget.AndwhatIcangetismakingmelosemymind.”Hesteadiesmewithbothhandsonmyhips.“Ineedtogochange.”
Ismirk.“Makeamess,didyou?”
“Youdid,”hesays,tiltingmyjawupandkissingmeagain.“Youmadethismess.”
“Uh,you’retheonewhochasedme.”
“Andyouweretheonelookingatmeasifyoucouldeatmerightthereonthefloor,”hecounters.
“Andyou’retheonewalkingaroundherewithoutashirton,so…thisisonyou.”
“I’monlywalkingaroundwithoutashirtonbecauseyoucametomyhouse,actingprofessional,asifIdidn’tjustmakeyoucomeunderthestarsthenightbefore.Ineededtomakesureyouwerestillinterested.”
“Needymuch?”Iask,armscrossinginfrontofme.
“Ithinkwewentoverthis.Whenitcomestoyou,yes,I’mtheneediestmotherfuckeryou’llevermeet.”Hegivesmeonemorekissandthenpullsaway.Heheadstowardhisdresserbutlooksoverhisshoulderandsays,“Bytheway,you’rehiredagain.Nowgettowork.”
Smiling,Isay,“Idon’tthinkIcanworkundertheseconditions.”
***
Hayes:Whyisyourthongonmybed?
Hattie:Incaseyoumissedmetonight.
Hayes:Fuck,Hattie,youcan’tdoshitlikethat.
Hattie:Oh…wasitweird?
Hayes:No,itwashot,andnowIwishyouwerehere.
Hattie:IwishIwastoo.Currently,ChewyCharlesisgnawingatmyfeetandstartingtogetaggressive.
Hayes:Who’sChewyCharles?
Hattie:Mac’shorsestuffy.AccordingtoMac,helikeseatingmold,andmytoesarefullofmold.StilltryingtodecidehowIfeelaboutthat.
Hayes:Moldytoes,huh?ThankGodIdon’thaveafootfetish.
Hattie:Luckyyou.Doyouhaveanyfetishes?
Hayes:Notreally.Iamsortofaboobguy,though.
Hattie:Ooof,sorryIcan’thelpyououtinthatdepartment.
Hayes:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Yourtitsareperfect.
Hattie:They’reanAcup.
Hayes:Idon’tcare.They’resexyasshit.Tight,littlenipplesthataresuperresponsive.Perfectformetoplaywith.Hell,I’mgettinghardjustthinkingaboutthem.
Hattie:Really?I’veneverbeenafanofmyboobs.
Hayes:Well,baby,I’mtheirnumberonefan.
Hattie:That’sthethirdtimeyou’vecalledmebaby.
Hayes:Betternothaveaproblemwithit.
Hattie:Idon’t.Mattwasneverintotermsofendearment.
Hayes:Washeintoanything?
Hattie:Bigboobs,whichIdidn’thave.HealsoreallylikeditwhenI’dpinchhisscrotum.
Hayes:Wait?Really?
Hattie:No.LOL.ButIwouldn’tputitpasthimifhedevelopedaloveforthat.Hewasalwaysweirdinbed.
Hayes:Sometimesweirdisn’tbad.
Hattie:Thisweirdwasbad.LikeIsaid,hetookforevertofindmyclit.Hewasadventurousbutnotinagoodway.
Hayes:Explain.
Hattie:Likedoingitinthebathtub.Itwouldresultinusslidingaroundeverywhere,watersloshingontothefloor.He’dcome,andI’dbelefttocleanupthemess.
Hayes:Whatadouche.
Hattie:Yeah,andIthoughtIwasgoingtomarryhim.
Hayes:Fuck,that’sdepressing.Imaginewhatyourlifewouldbelikewiththeguywholikeshisscrotumpinched.
Hattie:Iwasjokingaboutthat.
Hayes:Doesn’tmatter.It’sstuckinmyhead,andthat’showI’llforeverrememberhimnow.
Hattie:Who?ScrotumPincher?Hopefullyyouneverseehimagainthen.
Hayes:DoubtIwill.Hewon’twanttoshowupanywherenearme,especiallywithhowmuchhestole.
Hattie:Whydidyoulethimstealsomuch?
Hayes:Ididn’tlethim.IthinkIwasjusttoogoddamnoutofittoevencare.
Hattie:Ithoughtyoustoppeddoingdrugsawhileago.
Hayes:Idid,butthatdoesn’tmeanIwasn’tinafog.I’vebeeninoneforawhile.Goingthroughthemotions,neverlettingmyselffeelanything.
Hattie:Why?
Hayes:Ayear-longtourdesensitizedme.Ijuststartedshuttingdownafterawhile.Thedemandwashighfromthelabel.Ilosttheloveforitall,andIjust…shutdown.
Hattie:That’ssosad.
Hayes:Itiswhatitis.
Hattie:IwishIwastheresoIcouldgiveyouahug.
Hayes:HowaboutIcomebytomorrowandhelpyouwithCassidy’sroom?Youcangivemeahugthen?
Hattie:I’dlovethat.
Hayes:Good.I’llseeyoutomorrowthen.
Hattie:Seeyoutomorrow.XOXOChapterNineteen
HAYES
Handsinmypockets,IwaitinfrontofthefarmhousescreendoorforHattietoanswer.
Isleptlikeshitagain,butit’sbecauseIanticipatedcomingover.Sincekissingthisgirl,IfeellikeI’mlosingmygoddamnmind.Iwanttobenearherallthetime.Ithinkaboutherconstantly,andI’mtryingnottolookpatheticbybegginghertospendeverywakingmomentwithme.
Shestillhasworktodoatmyhouse,butIthinkitwouldbegoodtoswitchitupandgotoCassidy’shouse.Iknowthatifshecameovertomyhouse,Iwouldn’tbeabletokeepmyhandsoffher.Atleasthere,I’dfeelweirdfuckingherwhereRylandsleeps.
It’sagoodcockblock.
Thedooropens,andHattie’sbeautifulsmileshinesthroughthescreendoor.“You’rehere,”shesaysassheopensthescreendoorandflingsherarmsaroundme.
Chuckling,IreturnthehugandtiltherchinupsoIcangetatasteofherperfectlips.
“Hey,”Isaysoftly.
Shepressesthesideofherheadtomychestandgivesmeahug.This.Herhugs.HowcanherhugsfeellikeeverythingIneedinlife?Icanbreatheeasier.Shecaresaboutme.Theskyseemsbluerwhenshe’sinmyarms.Shelistenswithherwholeheart.Icanactuallyhearthebirdschirping.She’sfilledmyemptinesswithherbrightlight.AndthebeatingofmyheartinmychestremindsmejusthowfuckingaliveIamIt’slikethebland,monotonousheadspaceI’vebeentrappedinhasevaporated.
Allfromahug…fromher.
Herarmsreleaseme,andshebringsherhandtomine.Smilingupatme,shesays,“Wanttogoseetheroom?”
“Ido,”Ianswer.
Shebringsmeintothehouse,andIscanthefloorforanytoysthatmighttripme,butit’sallcleanedup.Sheleadsmeupthecreakystaircasetothesecondfloor.Thehouseisnotverybigatall,trulyperfectforasmallfamily.Wemovedownthecreamhallway,pastwhatI’massumingisMac’sroomwiththepinkflowerdoor,pastadecentlysizedbathroomandtotheendofthehallway.
Thedoorisalreadyopen,soHattiepullsmein,andItakeinthesoft,comfortingroom.ThisroomisCassidy.Withitslightcolorsofcreams,blues,andgreens,pictureframesliningthetalloakdresser,thesimplicityofalonejewelryboxandbottleofperfume.Cassidy,likeHattieactually,waslightandsweetness.Suchabrutallosstothisfamily,tothisworld,tolosesomeonewithsomuchgoodnesstogive.Makesmewonderiftherewasawaytoepitomizeherinasongsomehow.
Theclosetdoorisopen,andclothesareseparatedintopiles.“Lookslikeyou’vedonesomework,”Isay.
“Yes,IhaveapileofclothesAubreehastogothrough,Isetasideafewitemsformyself,andthenthatpileoverthere,thebigone,isalldonation.AubreeandIsetasideafewkeypiecesforMacwhenshegetsolder,butwe’reprettymuchdonewiththeclothes.”
“Howdoyoufeelaboutit?”Iaskher,understandingthatthiscouldbeareallytoughthingtodo.
“Okay.I’vehadmymomentshereandthere,butIthinkthisneedstohappen.Ryland’sbeensleepingonthecouchdownstairsinthelivingroomeversinceCassidypassed.Ican’timaginethatbeingcomfortable.Hekeepshisclothesinthedownstairscloset.He’sjustoccupyingthespace,butthisishishomenow.Ithinkhedeservesaspaceofhisownandhopeitwillhelphimsettlesomehow,ifthatmakessense.”
“Itdoes,”Isay.“Hehadahouse,right?”
Hattienods.“Itwasclosertothehighschool,buthedidn’tfeelrightpullingMacfromthehousesheknows.Hewantedtokeepthingsasnormalforheraspossible.Although,itwasbiggerthanthefarmhouseanditdidn’tsmelllikepotatoes.”
Ichuckle.“Ikindoflikethesmell.”
“Icoulddowithoutit.”Shepicksupalargepotatosackandhandsittome.“Helpmeputtheclothesinthis.”
“Didyouwashthis?”IaskasIlookintoit.
“Yes,ofcourse.I’mnotabouttodonateabunchofpotato-smellingclothes.”
“Justchecking.”IholditopenforherandshestartsgentlyplacingCassidy’sclothesinit.Shefallssilentandjusttomakesureshe’sokay,Isay,“Hey,yougood?”
Sheglancesupatme,tearsinhereyesasshenods.“Yes.Thisisgood.”
“Areyousureyou’rereadyforthis?”
“Yes.It’sjustsadisall.Butthisneedstobedone,andIknowAubreeandRylandaren’tgoingtodoit.Ithinkthisprojectwasmeantforme.”
“Ithinksotoo,”Isayassheplacesthelastoftheonepileinthesack.“Wantmetoplacethisinthehallway?”
“Thatwouldbegreat.”
Imovethesackofclothesinthehallway,andwhenI’mbackinthebedroom,IfindHattieworkingonanotherstack,butIstopherandtakeaseatonthebed.Ipullherontopofmylapandbrushaloosestrandofhairoutofherfacewhenshelooksupatme.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks.
“Lettingyouknowthatyoudon’thavetogothroughthisalone,thatI’mhereforyou.Foranythingyouneed.Evenifit’sjustahug.”
Asmallsmiletugsonthecornerofhermouth.“God,whatCassidywouldthinkifshesawthis.Youholdingme,inherroom…Idon’tthinkshe’dbelieveit.”Sheleansinandpressesakisstomylips,moreforcomfortthananything.“Andthankyou.I’mgladyou’rehere.”
“Metoo.”Iconnectherhandwithmineandsay,“Youknow,beforeeverythingwentdownwithRyland,CassidyandIweregoodfriends.ItwasRyland,Abel,Cassidy,andme.Weallhungouttogether.She’dtagalong,andwedidn’tmindatall.Sohonestly,Ithinkshe’dbehappyaboutthis,aboutyouandme,atleast,thatwouldbemyhope.”
Hattie’seyessoften.“Ithinkyou’reright.Shewould.Shedidsuggestyoubemyfriendinherlettertoyou.”Hattieplacesherhandonmycheek,andsheleansin,lightlykissingme.Whenshepullsaway,shesays,“Okay,let’sgetthisplaceclearedout.IwanttogeteverythingreadysoIcanpaintandsetuptosurpriseRylandtomorrow.”
“Tellmewhattodo.I’myours.”
Shehopsoffmylap.“First,takeyourshirtoff.Iprefertolookatmyhiredhelpwithnoclotheson.”
Ichuckleandshakemyhead.“Nicetry.I’mnottakinganythingoff.ItwillonlydistractyouandtohellifI’mdoingthisalone.”
“Itwasworthatry.”
Iscoopheraroundherwaistandbringherbacktomychest.Speakingclosetoherear,Isay,“Maybelater,though.”
“Somethingtolookforwardto.”
Ikissherneckandthenreleaseher,butnotbeforeshegivesmethemostsultrystaredownofmygoddamnlife.
“Don’tdothat,”Isay,pointingmyfingerather.
“Dowhat?”Shesmirksasshehandsmeanotherpotatosack.
Iopenitwideandreply,“Lookatmelikeyouwouldhavenoproblemdroppingtoyourkneesrightnowandsuckingmydick.”
“Iwouldn’t.”Shebatsherlashes,andIshakemyhead.
“JesusChrist.”Istareupattheceilingassheputstheclothesintothesack.“Youknow,IhavenoproblemtossingyouovermyshoulderanddraggingyououttomySUV.Imightnotfuckyouinyoursister’sbedroom,butIhavenoproblemfuckingyouinmycar.”
“Mmm,thatsoundslikefun.”
“Stopit,”Iplayfullyyellather,causinghertolaugh.
“Alittletestytoday,arewe?”
“I’mtryingtobegood,Hattie.You’remakingithard.”
“Makingyourpenishard?”Shesmirkswhenshefinisheswithanotherpile.
Mynostrilsflareather.“Keepbendingoverinthosespandexshorts,andit’sgoingtobereallyhard.”
“Ohreally?”Sheleansovertopickupashoeoffthegroundbutkeepshereyeonmewhileherassisdirectedrightatme.“Youmean,bendingoverlikethis?”
Isetthepotatosackdownandmovetowardthebedroomdoor.“I’moutofhere.”
Hercutelaughterbouncesthroughtheroomasshegrabsmyhandandtugsmeback.“You’renotgoinganywhere.Nowbeagoodboy,workhard,andifyou’relucky,I’llrewardyouintheend.”
“I’mholdingyoutothat,”IsayasIsmackherass.ThesnapofthesoundisexactlywhatIneedtoholdmeover.
***
“Storage?”IaskHattieasshesiftsthroughaboxfromunderCassidy’sbed.
Shelooksupatthephotoalbumsinmyhand.“Arethosefromourchildhood?”
“Yes,”Ianswer.
Hattienods.“I’msureMacwouldwanttolookatthemoneday.Cassidyputthemtogether.Irememberherworkinghardonthemonesummer,andsheshowedourdad,and…well,hetoldheritwasahugewasteoftime.Shedidn’tthinkso,though.AndI’mgladshedidn’t.NowMacwillgettoenjoyherhardwork.”
“Andyoutoo,”IsayasIputthealbumsinaplasticcontainer.
Aftersiftingthroughtheclosetanddividingtheclothesup,ItoldHattieweshouldpickupsomeplasticcontainersforanythingshewantstostoreintheatticforMaclateron.Thatwaythey’llholdupwellovertheyears.Sheagreed,andwemadetheshorttriptoaWalmartabouttwenty-fiveminutesaway.Weatesandwiches,listenedtosomemusic,herchoice—shewentwiththebestofHeart—andthenwecamebacktothehousewherewe’vebeendelicatelysiftingthroughCassidy’smemories.Andwitheverynewthingwefind,Hattieseemstobegrowingstrongerandstronger.IthinkIexpectedhertobesadthisentireday,butitseemsgoingthrougheverythingistherapeuticforher.
“Okay,theseareallphotosaswell.I’mgoingtoputthisshoeboxwiththephotoalbums.”Hattiehandsmethebox,andIputitwiththealbums.“Onemoreshoebox.”Shewigglesunderthebedandpullsoutonelastshoebox.Sheflipsthetopopenonceshesitsupandthengaspsoutloud,shuttingtheshoeboxquickly.Asmilecracksoverherfaceasshelooksupatme.
“What?”Iask.
Stillsmiling,sheturnstheshoeboxtowardme,flipsitopen,andshowsoffaboxfullofsextoys.
“Holyshit,”Isayassheclosesit.“Wait,wasthatapictureofAbel?”
“What?”shenearlyscreamsandturnstheboxtowardher.Sheflipsitopenandlooksaround.“Idon’tseeapictureofhim.”
“Iknow,Iwasjustkidding.”
“OhmyGod!”Sheshutstheboxandkicksitacrossthefloor.“Youalmostmademedigthroughmysister’ssextoys.”
“Justwantedtoseeyourreaction.ItwaseverythingIneeded.Thankyou.”
“Youhaveissues.”
Ijustshrug.“Sowhatdoyouwanttodowiththebox?Feelsweirdtodonate.”
“Feelsevenweirdertokeep!”
Ichuckle.“True.”
Shequirksherlipstotheside.“Isitweird…thatIhavethesamevibrator?”
Myeyebrowsshootup.“Youhaveavibrator?Iwouldn’tpegyouasthatkindofgirl.”
“Uh,don’tyouremember?Mattcouldn’tfindmyclit.Ihadtogetoffsomehow.”
“True,”Isay.“Doyouhavethatvibratorherewithyou?”
Sheslylysmilesasshestandsandcarriesthesextoyboxtothecloset,wheresheputsitonthetopshelf.“Ido,andI’veusedit.”
“Fuck,”Isaysoftly.
“It’smyfavoritethingever.Getsmeoffinaminuteorless.”
Iwetmylips.“Iwanttoseethat.”
“Maybeyouwill.”
Inodtowardthecloset.“Whydidyouputtheboxupthere?”
“Ohyouknow,somethingfunforRylandtostumbleacrosslater.”
Ilaugh.“You’reevil.”
“Consideritpayback…foryou.”
“Findinghissister’ssextoys?Thatmightbetoomuchofapunishment.”
“Mmm.Thinkaboutit,Hayes.IfRylandhadn’tperpetuatedthatfeudwithyou,andyou’dmadeamoveonmesooner,thinkabouthowmanytimesyourcockcouldhavebeeninmymouthbynow.”
“Canyounotfuckingsaystufflikethat?”IbegasIshiftuncomfortably,tryingnottothinkaboutthatperfectmouthonmydick.
“Areyougettinghardagain?”
“Yes,”Isay.“Jesusfuck,Hattie.Everythingyoudomakesmehard.”
“Mightwanttogetthatcheckedout.”Shemovestothedresserandstartspickingupthepictureframes.
“Maybeyoushouldcheckitout.”
Shedismissesmewithherhand.“Enough,horndog.WestillhavetofinishpackingthesethingsandthenheaduptoTargetandthepaintstore.Gettowork.”
Irollmyeyesandgraboneofthefullbinsandtakeittotheattic.
***
“Um,whyisyourshirtoffandtuckedinthebackofyourjeans?”Hattieasksasshesitscross-leggedinfrontofabinthatshe’sfillingwithsomeofCassidy’spersonaleffectsthatshe’ssavingforMac.
“Becausetheatticishot,andIdon’twanttobeasweatymesssincewe’llbegoingtostoresafterthis.”
“But…that’sdistracting.”
“Saysthegirlwho’sbeenpurposelybendingoverrightinfrontofmydicktheentireday.”
“That’sdifferent,”shesays.
“How?”
“Becausewhereasthatsexuallyfrustratedyou,youwithoutashirtonsexuallyfrustratesme.”
Itiltmyheadbackandlaugh.“Oh,Iseehowitis.It’sfineforyoutotortureme,butit’snotallowedwhentherolesarereversed.”
“Gladyouseeitthatway.Nowifyoucouldpleaseputyourshirtbackon,thatwouldbeappreciated.”
“Nofuckingway,”IsayasItakeaseatonCassidy’sbedthathasnowbeenstrippedofalllinens.Hattieplansonwashingthematmyhouse.They’recurrentlyinapotatosackinthebackofmycar.
We’realmostdone.I’mimpressedwithhowmuchwe’veaccomplished.Therearejustafewthingshereandthere,butforthemostpart,wecouldpainttomorrowandsurpriseRyland.
“Whatareyoulookingat?”Hattieasksasshefinishesupwiththebinshe’sworkingon.
“Howmuchwewereabletodo.I’mimpressed.”
“Idon’tthinkIcouldhavedoneitwithoutyou.”
“Nah,youcouldhave.Itjustwouldhavetakenyoulonger.”
Shepausesinputtingajewelryboxinthebinwhenshesays,“No,IthinkIwouldhavegottenlostinthememories,lostinmyemotions.”Hersoftgazeconnectswithmine.“You’vebeenmyrock,helpingmethroughthis.Thankyou.”
Aw,hell.Howdoesshedothat?Makemelikeherevenmorebysayingsomethingsosimple.Unlikemymom.
“God,IwishedI’dneverhadyou,Hayes.You’resomuchlikeyourdad.Useless.WhydidGodgivemesuchahopelessson?”Thanksforthat,Mom.
IwasmadetofeellessthanwhatIamuntilMomleft.Notthatherwordsafterthatweremuchbetter.HadInothadGran,hadshenotintervened,Iwouldn’thaveturnedouthalfdecentasahuman.Butsomeonetocallmetheirrock?Neverwouldhaveexpectedthat.
Notafterwatchingmyfatherleavewithoutasecondlookbackandlisteningtomymomconstantlyberatemefornotbeingagoodson…
Itchangesaperson’sperspective.
“Noneedtothankme,Hattie.Ilikebeinghereforyou.”
Shewalksuptomeandpressesherhandstomychestassheleansinforakiss.“I’mgladyouare.”ShereleasesmeandthensurveystheroomwhileIsurveyhermatchingspandexshortsandtanktopset.Handsonherhips,shesays,“Ithinkwejustneedtoclearoutthenightstands,andthat’sit.”
“Shewouldbeproudofyou,”Isay,whichdrawsherattentionbacktome.
Hattieshakesherhead.“No,Idon’t…Idon’tknowaboutthat.Imean,theonethingshewantedwasformetofinishschool,andIdidn’t.”
“Yet.Youhaven’tfinishedschoolyet.Youlostyoursister.It’snotbecauseyouweren’tapplyingyourself.You’reallowedtomournher.”
“It’snotjustthat,”shesays.“I…Iwasstrugglinginschoolasitwasbeforeshepassed.It’swhymyadvisersuggestedItakeasecond,because…”Shebitesdownonherlip.“Ihaven’ttoldanyonethis,notevenMaggie.”
“Hey,comehere.”Itugonherhandandmoveherontomylap.Myhandgoestoherback,holdingherintightasIdirectherchininmydirection,forcinghertolookatme.“Whathaven’tyoutoldanyone?”
“Ithink…IthinkIwanttoquitschool.”Icanfeelherentirebodywincefromtheconfession,andIknowIneedtotreadlightly.Schoolisahot-buttonissueforher.
“Okay.Whydoyouthinkthat?”Iask.
“BecauseI’mnotinterestedinit.Idon’tknowwhatthepointis.I’mgettingamaster’sinbusiness,andforwhat?It’snotlikeit’steachingmeanythingIdon’talreadyknow.IhatebeingawayinSanFranciscoeventhoughMaggieisthere.Iwanttobehere,inAlmondBay.IwantedtobeclosertoCassidybeforewelosther.IfeltlikeMacwasgrowingbythesecond,andIwasmissingeverybitofit.Iwanttobeapartofthestore.Iwanttorunit.Thatwasthegoal,forCassidyandmetorunittogether.IseeAubreestruggling…Ijust…Idon’twanttogobacktoaworldwhereIwasn’tcomfortable.WhereIwasn’tlearninganythingofsubstance.Iwanttobehere.Stayhere.Livehere.”
“Icanunderstandthat,”Isay,soothinglyrunningmyhandoverherback.“Thisishome.”
Shenods.“AndthewholetimeIwaslyinginCassidy’sroom,staringupattheceiling,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowmuchIwishIdidn’thavetogobacktoschoolattheendofthesummer.”Sheshakesherhead.“Ireallydon’twanttogoback,Hayes.”
“Thendon’t,”Isay.
“Iwishthatwerethecase,but…somethinginthewillsaysIcan’thelpAubreeuntilIgraduate.Likehowcanthatevenbeenforced?AndIgetthatschoolwasimportanttoher,especiallysincesheneverwent,but…it’salmostlikeI’mbeingpunished.”Tearsstarttocloudhereyes.“YouknowIhelpedCassidybuildthestore,right?Ispentawholesummerlayingdownflooring,painting,stocking,andbakinghundredsandhundredsofcookies.TheAlmondStorewasaproductofusboth.”
“Iknow,”Isaysoftly.
“And…andshejustleftittoAubree.Idon’tunderstand.Shelefteveryonesomething.Shesentyoualetter,Abel,Aubree,Ryland…butnothingforme.Why?”Tearsstartfallingdownhercheeks.“I’llbehonest,Hayes.OnereasonI’vegonethrougheverythingsocarefullyinherewasbecauseIwaslookingforsomething,anythingfromherthatmighthavebeenaddressedtomebutgotlostinthemix.”Sheshakesherhead.“Nothing.Shewas…waspracticallymymother,theonewhoraisedme,lovedme,madesurethatIunderstoodwhatlovewas,yetsheleftmewithnothing.”
“I’msosorry,”Ireply,notsurewhatelsetosay,becausewhatistherereallytosay?Hattie’sright.Cassidylefthernothing,andshe’sallowedtohavethosefeelingsofdiscontentment.Iknowshe’snotjealousaboutnotgettinganythingfinancially,becauseHattieisn’tlikethat.Butsentimentally,IagreewithHattie.Whydidn’tshegetaletterwheneveryoneelsedid?
“Ugh,I’msorry.IwasdoingsogreatandthenIjustlostitonyouattheend.”
“Don’tapologize,”Isay,forcinghertolookmeintheeyes.“I’mheretosupportyouformomentslikethat.Andyourfeelingsarevalid,Hattie.IwishIcouldtellyouwhyshedidn’tleaveyoualetterorputrestrictionsinthewill,butIcan’t.AllIcansayisthatyoudoingthis,youtakingcareofyourbrotherandgivinghimaspacetobewhilehetakescareofMac,thisissomethingCassidywouldbeproudof.Thisissomethingshe’dbesmilingabout.Sofocusonthat,becauseyoudon’twanttocloudyourthoughtswiththenegativity,withquestionsaboutsomethingyoucan’tchange.Itwilldriveyoucrazy.Trustmeonthis.I’vebeenthere.”
“You’reright.”Shenods.“I’mfinallyfindingsomepeacewithCassidy’spassing.Idon’twanttoaddanythingnegativetoit.”Shesighs.“Andsheshouldbeproudofthis,proudofhowItookdeepcareofheritems,thethoughtthatwentintohowtopreserveeverythingforMac.Shewouldhavelovedthis,especiallysincetheendgoalistogivesomethingtoRylandthathe’dnevergivetohimself.”
“Hewouldn’t.”I’veknownRylandlongenoughtounderstandthathe’dsleeponthatcouchfortherestofhislifeifhehadto.He’salwaysputfamilyfirst,friendsfirst,everyoneelsefirstbesideshimself.It’stimesomeoneputhimfirst.“Andhey,thewholecollegething,that’ssomethingwecancrosswhenthetimeisright.”
“We?”sheasks,araisetoherbrow.
“Yes…we,”Ireply.“I’minthisforthelongrun,Hattie.Aslongasyou’llhaveme,I’mhere.”
Sherestsherheadonmyshoulder,andIbringherinevencloser.“Iknewyouhadaheartbeyondalloftheblacknessyoutrytohidebehind.Whydoyounotshowit?”
“Afraidofgettinghurt,”Iadmit.
“Whytrustmethen?”sheasks.
Becauseyouhaveaheartofgold.Becauseyouaresuchanunexpectedwonderinmylife.
IwanttosaymanythingstoHattie,butperhapsthisisthemosthonestanswerIhave.
“Youhaven’tgivenmeareasonnotto.”
Ikissthetopofherhead,andwespendthenextfewminutesjustlikethat,withheronmylapandmeholdingherclose.
***
“Thankyouforyourhelp,”HattiesaysasIsetdownareusablebagfulloffoodandsometoiletriesHattieneededtopickup.
OurlaststopofthedaywasTargetwherewespentanexorbitantamountoftimelookingoverbedding,curtains,sheets…pillows.Wewentbackandforthovertablelamps,nightstands,rugs,evenanextensioncordbecausethereisn’tanoutletcloseenoughtothebedforRylandtoplughisphonein,butHattiewasn’tsurewhichonetoget.Andthenofcourse,shedecidedheneededanalarmclockthatwouldhelphimsleepbetter,notsurehowthatworks,butJesusChrist,Inearlylostmymindinthere.
TheonlyreasonIsurvivedwasbecausehalfwaythrough,IwentandgotmyselfsomepopcornandadrinkandenjoyedHattiesecond-guessingeverychoiceshewasmakingbecausesheneededtomaketheroomperfect.
Andintheend,whenshewenttopay,Ihandedhermycardandsaiditwasonme.
Sherefused…dramatically.
ButIwonbecausenowayinhellwouldIallowhertopay,notwhenIforcedhertoputarecordplayerinthecart,aswellastwoofmyrecordswhich,frankly,Ithoughtwashilarious.RylandandIhaven’thungoutinawhile.HeneedstocatchuponwhatI’vebeendoing.
“You’rewelcome,”IsayasIslipmyshoesoff.
Sheglancesdownatmyfeet.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Oh,didyouthinkIwasgoingtoheadhome?”Ishakemyheadandreachintothebagonlytopulloutatoothbrush.“Forgottopackmyselfthis,butI’mgoodtogonow.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyouforgottopackthat?”
Iwalkovertothedoorthatleadstothestairsandholdupasmallbag.“Myovernightshit.”
“Sowereyouplanningonstayingherethewholetime?”sheasks,armsfolded.
“Iwasn’tplanningonlettingyououtofmysight,”Isay.“NotwhenI’vesleptlikeshitthepastfewnights.Ineedsomesleep,andIknowyou’retheonlywayI’llgetit.”
“You’rejustinvitingyourselfover?”
“Yup,”Ireply.“Problemwiththat?”
“MaybeIdohaveaproblemwiththat.”Sheplacesherhandsonherhips.
“Toodamnbad.”Imovepastherandstraightintothebathroom,whereIgetreadyforbed.
ShetextedRylandtolethimknowshe’dbestayingattheapartmenttonightsohedoesn’tworryaboutwheresheis.EverythingweboughtforRyland’sroomisstoredinmySUV,andwe’vealreadyhaddinner,sonow…nowit’stimetorelax.
Iturnonhershowerandwashmybodyquicklyfromtoday’shardwork,andthenfindatowelunderhersink.Idryoff,brushmyteeth,andthensliponapairoffreshboxerbriefsbeforeexitingherbathroom,whereIfindhersittingonherbed.Alookofdisbeliefinhereyesastheytakemein,startingatmythighsandtravelingupthewaytomyface.
“Thatwasquick.”
“Idon’twanttowasteanytime.”Inodtowardthebathroom.“Yourturn.”
Shestandsfromthebedandmovespastmetothedresser,whereshepullsoutafewthings.“Yousmellgood,”shesays.“Didyoubringyourownbodywash?”
“Yeah,thoughtifIwenttobedsmellinglikeyou,I’dhaveaharddickthewholenight,whichwouldnegatethefactthatIwanttosleeptonight.”
Shejustsmirksandslipsintothebathroom.Iheartheshowerturnonaswell,andasshe’swashingup,Ilieacrossherbedandclickontherednotificationinmytextmessages.
Ruben:Haven’theardfromyouinawhile.Gettingnervous.
Lovetheguy,butalsohatehimsofuckingmuch.
Hayes:Whatwouldittaketogetoutofthiscontractwiththelabel?
Thebubblesonthetextthreadappearsofastthatitmakesmechuckle.Icanonlyimaginehe’sbeensittingbyhisphone,waitingformyresponse.
Ruben:Ifyou’reserious,Icanlookintoit.
Hayes:Isitevenanoption?
Ruben:Anythingisanoption.CanIcallyou?
Hayes:NotatagoodplacewhereIcantalk.
Ruben:Okay,canyoutellmewhyyouwantoutofthecontract?
Hayes:Tired.Worndown.Iwanttodosomethingformyself.Ilikestayinghere,athome.
Ruben:You’veworkedtirelesslyforthelastyear.I’msureyou’reenjoyingthebreak.
Hayes:Iam,andImetsomeone.NotsayingIwanttogivethingsupforher,butIwanttoatleasttakeabreakfromitallsoIcanjustlivemylife.Enjoymylife.EnjoythemoneyI’vemade.
Ruben:Icancompletelyunderstandthat.Ifyouwantoutofthecontract,Iknowthere’saloopholeIcanworkon.Butyouknowtheywon’teversignwithyouagainifyoucutoutwithoutdeliveringanotheralbum.
Hayes:Iknow,andI’mokaywiththat.
Ruben:HowaboutIgiveyouaweektothinkaboutit.Andthenifyoutellmeyou’rereadytocutout,I’llmakeithappen.Doesthatsoundokay?
Hayes:Ithinkthat’sfair.
Ruben:Good.What’sthischangeofheart?
Hayes:Thegirlwhowasworkingforme,Hattie?Yeah,we’reseeingeachother,andforthefirsttimeinareallylongtime,Ifeelpeaceful.
Ruben:Ithoughtyouweren’tallowedtobewithher…
Hayes:Thingschanged.HerbrotherandIhavecometoanagreement.It’salongstory,butneedlesstosay,we’redating,andfuck,man,itfeelsgood.Ilikehersofuckingmuch.Whenshe’saround,itactuallyfeelslikeI’mabletoseetheworldagain.
Ruben:Thenyouhavetoworkonthatrelationship.IknowIbotheryouaboutsongsandschedulesandsponsorships,butintheend,you’remyfriend,andIwantyouhappy.Ifshemakesyouhappy,thenI’lldowhateverIhavetosoyoucankeepthathappiness.
Hayes:Iappreciateit,man.Mycareerisn’tover,butfuck,I’dlovethebreak.
Ruben:Thenwe’llgiveyouabreak.I’llcheckbackin,justincaseyouchangeyourmind.
Hayes:Soundsgood,andhey,ifyoumakeitouthere,youhaveaplacetostay.MightbenicetofinallyshowyouaroundAlmondBay.
Ruben:Onlyifyoumakemesomeofthosealmondcherrycookies.
Hayes:Ifyougetmeoutofmycontract,I’llmakeyouenoughcookiestofillabathtubsoyoucanbatheinthem.
Ruben:Hardtoturnthatdown.
Ismilejustasthebathroomdooropens.Iglancetothesideonlyformymouthtofallopen.Standinginthedoorway,onehandhangingonthedoorframe,Hattietakesmyfuckingbreathaway.
WearingwhatIcanonlyassumeisathong,thestringshighonherhips,andacroppedtanktop,shestaresmedownwithonethingonhermind…me.Icanseeitinherrapturousgaze.
“Jesusfuck,”Imumbleassheturnsoffthebathroomlightandstrutstowardme.“Hattie,”Isayjustasshestraddlesmylap.
Myhandsfalltoherbackside,andIwasright…she’swearingathong
“Youlookhot,”Isayasmythumbsslipunderhercroptopandbrushagainstherbreasts.“Pleasetellmethisiswhatyoualwaysweartobed.”
“WhenI’malone,yes.”
“You’renotalonerightnow,”Isayasshemovesovermyhardeningdick.
“Youdon’tcount.”Shepushesmebackonthebed.Ihavetododgetheslantedceiling,butIlieonthesoftmattressandlookupatherasshestraddlesmylap.Herhandsfalltomychest,andsheslowlyrocksovermycock.
“Fuck,”IgroanasIgetaglimpseoftheundersideofherbreastsasherbodyundulatesovermine.
“Mmm,you’realreadysohard,”shemoans,movingslowlyovermycock.
“Withyou,ittakesasecond,”IsayasIrunmyhandsupherthighs.
Sheleansdownandplacesakissonmyjaw,mycheek…mylips.Iopenmymouthformore,butshemovestomyneckandthenmycollarbone.
Whenherfingerspassovermynipples,Ilockmymouthshutfromgroaning,butwhenhertongueflicksoverthem,Ican’tholdback.“Fuck,baby.”
“Youlikethat?”sheasks,almostsurprised.
“Ilikeitall,”Ianswer,givingherthego-aheadtodomore,totakewhatshewants.Toexplore.
Shecontinuestorockovermeassheplayswithmynipples,dragginghertongueoverthem,upmyneck,backtomyjaw,teasingmewithherlipsacrossmineuntilshemovesbackdownmyneckagain,thetrailofwetnessignitingadeepsenseofneedinsideme—aburningsensationthatIknowdry-humpingwillnottakecareoftonight.I’mgoingtoneedmore.
Moreofher.
Whatevershe’llgiveme,Iwantitall.
Herkisseslandagainstmyheatedskin,betweenmypecs,acrossmynippleswhereshesucksonone,andIgroaninresponse.Shesmirksandthendragshertonguetomystomach,wheremybreathinghalts,andmybodystiffens.Sheswirlshertongueovereveryoneofmyabs,andwhenshereachesthelastoneandmovesdownbetweenmylegs,Iliftjustenoughtolookather.“Hattie…”
Butshedoesn’tstop.Shetakesthewaistbandofmyunderwearanddragsitdown,revealingmyfullerection.Hereyeswidenasshewatchesitstretchupmystomach.
I’mabouttotellhershedoesn’thavetodoanything,butshepullsmybriefsallthewayoffandthenpushesmylegsopen.Hertentativehandsrunupmythighsandtheninwarduntiltheyalmosttouchmycock,butdon’t.Instead,mydickjoltsfromtheneartouch,andIgroan.
“Baby,don’tteaseme.”
Amaniacalsmilepassesoverherlips.“Don’tteaseyou?Whataboutallthetimesyouteasedme?”
“You’restrongerthanIam.Iwon’tbeabletotakeit.”
Thatmakesherlaughrightbeforeshedragsherfingersundermycock,thebacksofherknucklestouchingmylength.Shedoesn’tgripme.
Fuck.
“Seriously,Hattie.”
Shesitsupsohermouthgrowsclose,andmycocktwitchesinanticipation,precumalreadyontheverytip.That’showsheaffectsme.That’showmuchIwanther.
“YouhavethesexiestcockI’veeverseen,”shesaysrightbeforedragginghertongueovertheunderside,allthewayuptothetip.
“Ahhhhh,fuck,”Ihiss,myhandsgrippingthecomforterbeneathme.
Herhandssmoothundermyerectionagain,acrossmystomachashertongueflicksacrossthelargeveinthatextendsupmylength.“Howmanywomenhavesuckedyourcock,Hayes?”
“Hattie,”Isay,notwantingtoanswerthat.
“Toomanytoremember?”Shepresseslightkissesallovermyshaft,downtomyballswhereshegentlylickstheseam.
Fuckinghell,whatisshedoingtome?
“Answerthequestion,Hayes.Howmany?”
“Fuck,Idon’tknow,”Isay,mychestgrowingtightasshemovesherlipsbacktomytipwhereshehovers,waitingforme.“Hattie,comeon.”
“Howmany?”
JesusChrist,doesshereallywanttoknow?
“Toofuckingmany,”Isay,causinghertosmile.
“Good,andthisistheonlyoneyou’regoingtoremember.”Thensheopenshermouthwideandtakesmycockallthewaytothebackofherthroat.
“Holyfuck,”Inearlyyellasherteethdragalongthesensitiveflesh,addingawholenewsenseofpleasure.Mystomachcontracts,myabsfiringoffashermouthworksupanddownovermylength.
Wet.
Hot.
Addicting.
Oneofherhandsgripsthebasewhiletheotherfondlesmyballs,andtogether,sheworksmycockwithherdeliciousmouthtothepointthatIcanbarelybreathe,thesensationofhertonguecombinedwithhersuckinghasmefuckingpanting.
“Hattie,wait,”Isayasshepumpsharder.Mylegsstarttogonumb.Fuck,thisishappeningfaster,fasterthanIcaretoadmit.“Hattie.Stop.”Shesucksharder,causingmystomachtobottomoutandallofmyattentiontofalltomycockandtheimminentpleasure.“Hattie…”Isqueezemyeyesshut.
Fuck,holdoff,man.
Don’tfuckingcome.Don’tyoudarefuckingcome.
Shit…justasmyballsstarttotightenalmosttothepointofnoreturn,shereleasesmystraininglengthfromhermouthandscootsawayfromthebedwhereshestands.Inabsoluteagony,Iwatchasshesmirksandrunsthebackofherhandoverhermouth.
Myheadflopsbackonthemattress,mycockdangerouslyjoltingonmystomachasapainful,“Motherfucker,”slipspastmylips.
Christ,talkaboutedging.I’veneverbeenbroughtthatcloseonlyforthewomantostop.ButHattie,sheliterallyhasmebythegoddamnballs.
WhenIgetenoughstrengthtosituponmyelbowsandwatchmyswollencockseekrelief,IcatchHattieinfrontofme,aheatedsmileonherlipsassheliftshershirtoverherheadanddropsittothefloor.Thensherunsherhandsunderthestringofherthongandpushesitdownuntilshe’scompletelynaked,revealinghersexy,barebody.
“Jesus,”Isayasshemovestowardmeagain,butthistime,shedoesn’tgetcontrol.Shehadherchanceandnearlymademeweepasagrown-assman.It’smygoddamnturn.Themomentshe’scloseenough,Ipullherontothebed,andImoveontopofher,mywet,achingcockrestingonherthigh.“IsthatyourpaybackforallthetimesInevergaveyouwhatyouwanted?”
Shenods.
“Calluseventhen,”IsayrightbeforeIbringmymouthtohersanddivemytongueagainsthers,possessivelyclaimingher.
She’llbemarkedasminetonight.ImightrememberthewayshesuckedmycockuntiltheveryfuckingdaythatIdie,buttonight,nothingwillevercomparetowhatshe’sabouttoexperience.
Ipinherwristsaboveherheadwithonehand.ShegaspsasIrunmyotherhanddownhersideandpalmherbreast,squeezingithard.
“God…”shemoans,herteethfallingoverherbottomlip.
Myfingerscometogether,andIpinchhernipple,lettingitrollbetweenmyforefingerandthumb,thesensitivenubcausinghertojutherhipsupandherheadtothrashtotheside.Ilovehowresponsivesheis.It’ssuchaturn-on.Andit’snotfake,either.Thereisnothingfakeabouther.Herreactionsaregenuine,andIknowthatbecausewhenIpullawaytolookdownather,Iseethatbeautifulblushonhercheeks,stainingthemred.
“Thispussyisfuckingminetonight,”IsayasIbringmymouthtoherjaw,whereIdragmytonguealongtheslenderbone.“Iwantyoubare.Iwanttoseemycumdrippingdownyourleg.”Sheswallowshard.Ibringmymouthtoherearandwhisper,“Doyougivemepermission?”
Shenods.
“No,baby,Ineedtohearit.Tellmewhatyouwant.”
“I…”Shegulps.“Iwantyoutofillmewithyourcum.”
“Mmm.”Idragmynoseoverhercheek.“Goodfuckinggirl.”
Keepingherhandspinnedaboveherhead,Ikickherlegsfartherapartwithmyknee,makingroomformybody.Igripmycockandbringittoherslit,whereIslideitalongherslickopening.
“Fuck,you’resowet,baby.”
Irunmytipalongherclit,andshebucksupinresponse,soIdoitagain,theslicknessofherpussycreatingthiseuphoriceffecttoswallowmewhole.IgetlostinthefeelingofglidingmycockoverhertothepointthatIletgoandjustusemyhipstopumpalongherarousal.
“Hayes,Idon’t…Idon’twanttocomelikethis.Iwantyouinsideme.”
“Areyouclose?”Iask,surprised.
Shenods.“Very.”SoIlift,leavingmydrenchedcocktorestonherthighagainasIcatchmybreath.ShegroansinaggravationasIdon’tdoanything.Ijustlethersitthere,pleasurehangingontheedge.“Hayes,”shecomplains.“Please.”
“Youwantthiscock?”
“Yes.”
“Thenletthatgreedypussytakeit,”IsayasImovetoherentranceandslowlyslidein.
“OhmyGod!”sheshouts,andIpausebecauseIdon’twanttohurther.
Becauseshe’ssofuckingtight.
Becauseshe’ssotense.Ican’tmoveanyfartherin.
“Jesus,”ImutterasIfeelabeadofsweatbreakoutonmylowerback.“Hattie,relax.”
“I…Ican’t.You’retoobig.”
“Baby,”Isay,myteethclenchedasItrynottoblackoutfromhowtightshe’ssqueezinghalfofmycock.“Deepbreaths.”Shedoesn’teventry,soIreleaseherhands,andtheyimmediatelycometomychest,whereshebracesherself,andthenIbringmymouthtohers.InsteadofdemandinghertongueandroughlytakingwhatIwant,Islowdownandgentlyrunmytonguealongherlips,partingthemandthenofferingheramoresensualkiss,akissthatshowsherI’mhereatthismomentwithherandthere’snothingsheneedstobetenseabout.
Afterafewkisses,ourmouthslightlyglidingagainsteachother,herhandfloatsupthebackofmyneckintomyhairandherbodyrelaxes,andthevise-likegripherpussyhasonmycockeases,allowingmetobreatheasImoveaninchfarther.Thistime,shedoesn’ttense.
Icontinuetomakeoutwithher,nowtwistingmytongueagainsthers,kneadingherbreast.
Shemoansintomymouth,andItakethatmomenttomoveanotherinch,andthenanother…andanother.Herlegsopenwiderforme,wrappingaroundanddiggingherheelsintomyback.Stillnotfullyinserted,Idivemytongueintohermouth,andherlegsspreadalittlewider,givingmetherestoftheroomIneed.
Withonemoredeep,sultrykiss,Ipressmycocktothehilt,bottomingout.Bothofusmoantogether.“Fuck,feelssogood,Hattie.”
Shebringsmymouthtohersandcontinuestokissme,hermouthgoingwildnow,movingrapidlyovermine.Shegetslostinthekiss.Sherelaxeswhenshe’sinchargeofsomethingelse.SoIlethercontrolourlipswhiledrivingthefrictionbetweenus.
Ipulsemyhipsinandoutofher,slowatfirst,barelymoving,butasshebecomesmoreaggressivewithhermouth,Idriveharderinsideher,tothepointthatourmouthsseparate,andwebothgaspforairasmyhipsdriveinandout.
Inandout.
Inandfuckingout…
“OhGod,”shesays,herbackarching,herbreathgrowingheavy.
Handsonherhips,Isitbackonmyheelsandbringourconnectionwithme,guidingherupanddown.Istaredownatthewaymycockslipsintoherwetpussy,thenarrowspaceIhavetoworkwithsofuckingamazingthatmyfingersandtoesstarttotinglewithmyimpendingorgasm.
“Iwant…your…mouth…”shepants.Ipullherupsoourchestsmeet,herhardnipplesrubbingagainstmypecsasshebouncesupanddownovermycock,barelyescapingtheangledceilings.
Herfingerstangleintomyhair,andhermouthconnectswithmineasImoveherovermycock,thisnewanglerockingmygoddamnworldasshesinksfartherandfarthereverytimesherises.
“Fuck,Hattie.I’mclose,”Isaybeforebitingonherlowerlipandthensoothingitwithmytongue.
Herfingersclawintomyskull,herhipsmovingfasterashermouthpullsawayfrommine.Herheadfallstomyshoulders,herbreatherraticaswebothworktothepointofnoreturn.Sheassistsinmovingupanddown,Ihelpherbygrippingherhipsandtogether,wefuckeachother.
Wefuckhard.
Shebitesintomyshoulder.
Ireachupandtugonherhair.
Sheclawsintomyback.
Ipinchhernipple.
“Ahhh,Hayes!”shesaysasherheadfallsback,exposingherneck.Itakeadvantage,andIbitedownonthesensitiveflesh.“OhGod,”shesays,herbodytensingaroundmine.“Ohfuck,Hayes.OhGod,I’m…I’m…”
Shescreamsoutaferalsoundasherentirebodyconvulsesovermine,herpussysqueezingmycocksotightwiththeorgasmthatripsthroughherthatIdon’thaveasecondtoeventhinkaboutit.Myorgasmhitsmehard,andIyellouthernameasIcomeinsideherviolently,bothofourbodiesshuddering.
“Fuck…me,”Icryoutasmydickcontinuestotwitchinsideherbecauseherpussywon’tstopsqueezingme.“Baby,”IsaygentlyasIlayherdownonthebedandhoveroverher,stillconnected.“Jesus,areyouokay?”
Sleepily,shenods.“I’mmorethanokay.”Whenherdreamyeyesopenandshelooksupatme,Ifeelthistwingeofprotectioncovermeinaninstant.
Thisismygirl.
Ijustclaimedher.
Markedher.
Leteveryoneknowaroundusthatsheisnottobefuckedwith.
Islowlyeaseoutofherandthenplaceakissonherforeheadbeforehelpingherup.Ihopoffthebedandthenscoopherupinmyarms.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Shechuckles
“Carryingyoutothebathroomsoyoucantakecareofthings.”
“Icanwalk.”
“NotwiththeamountofcumIjustshotinyou.”IthasbeenawhilesinceI’vecomeinsideawoman.Awhileforme,anyway.AtleastIknowI’mclean.IneverwouldhavetakenherbarehadInotbeenrecentlytested.
Hercheeksflush,andit’sthecutestfuckingthing.Ikissthetipofhernoseandsetherdowninthebathroom,whereIgrabawashclothformyselfandthengivehersomeprivacy.
AfterIcleanmyselfup,IgobacktothebedwhereIscootinclosetotheceiling,thisbednotbigenoughfortwopeople,butbigenoughifIplanonhavingHattieplasteredtomybodythewholenight,andIdo.
Restingonmyback,Ipushmyhandthroughmyhair.Whatjusthappened?
HattiefuckingRowleyjustrockedmygoddamnworld.
AndnowIdon’tthinkI’lleverrecover.Thisisitforme.I’vereachedthepinnacle.Nothingandnoonewilleverbebetterthanher.That’sashockingrevelationbecauseI’mstillgettingtoknowthisgirl,butfuck,Idon’teverwanthertoleavemylife.Notwhenshemademe…hell,shemademefeelagain.
She’smademerealizewhataheartbeatfeelslikeagain.
Apulse.
She’smademebreathe.
Liftedmychin.
OpenedmyeyestotheworldaroundmewhenI’ddonenothingbutkeptmyheaddownsincethemomentmymomabandonedme.
Thebathroomdooropens,andIturnmyheadtocatchHattiewalkingtowardme,herperkytitsonfulldisplay,herbodymarkedbymymouth,myscruff,myhands,andthefirstthingthatpopsintomyheadistheword:mine
She’sallfuckingmine.
Iliftthecoversforher,andsheslipsintothebed.IwrapmyarmaroundherwaistandpullherintomychestwhereIplaceakissonhershoulder.
“Everythinggood?”Iask.
“Everything’sperfect,”sheanswers.
“Iwasn’ttoorough?”Ipressakisstoherneck.
“No,Ilovedit.Everything.Ilovedeverything.”
“Good,”IsayasInibbleupherneckbecauseyou’renotgettinganysleeptonight.ChapterTwenty
HATTIE
Hayesshiftsbehindme,hismorningerectionplasteredagainstmybackside,hisheavyarmdrapedovermymiddle,andhisheadburiedinmyhair,lightlysleepingasthemorningsunstreamsthroughthewindow.It’sthemostamazingfeeling.
Ifeelamazing.
WhenhesaidIwouldn’tbegettinganysleep,hewasn’tlying.ThemomentIstartedtodriftofftosleep,hishandwouldcaressmybreastormovedownbetweenmylegs.Hislipswouldfindmyneck,andwithinseconds,Iwasathisbeckandcall,waitingtoseewhathewoulddonext.
Andhedideverything.
SomethingIfoundthathelovestodo…oral.
God,doesheloveit.AndheloveswhenIdoittohimtoo,whichwassuchahugeturn-onforme.Icameonhistonguetwice,andhecameinmymouthonce.Icanstillfeelthewayhetuggedonmyhairashisentirebodystrainedduringhisorgasm,theferalmoanthatflewoutofhismouthwassosexy.
Thereweremomentswhenhetookhistime,andothermomentswhenhewasravenous,twistingandturningmeinalldifferentpositions,especiallywhenwewounduponthefloor,givingusmoreroom.Iveryquicklyfoundoutthathelovesfuckingmefrombehind.AndIworkedoutthatIdidn’tmindhimlightlyspankingme.Itcaughtmeoffguardatfirst,butthenIgotintoit,justlikeeverythingelseheintroducedtome.
Andfortherecord,hehadnoproblemfindingmyclit.Hespentagreatdealoftimeplayingwithit,playingwithme,tryingtogetmetocomeeverychancehecouldget.
Nowthismorning,it’sclearhowmuchtimehespentbetweenmylegsbecauseI’msore.Butsoreinthebestway.
Ireluctantlyslipoutofhisgraspandtiptoeacrossthefloortothebathroom,whereIshutthedoorbehindme.Icatchmyselfinthemirror,andthefirstthingIseeismyhair,whichhassomehowaccumulatedatleastthreeinchesofvolumethroughoutthenight…mostlikelythankstoHayesandhiswanderinghands.
ThenextthingInoticearethedarkbitemarksonmyneck,myshoulders,andalongmychest.
“Holyshit,”IwhisperasIleancloser,myfingersrunningoverthemarksheleftonme.God,they’reeverywhere,evenonmyboobs.Myteethdragoverthecornerofmymouthasmylipscurlupintoaslightsmile.Callmecrazy,butIlikethem.Ilikehaving“battlewounds”fromthenightbefore;itshowsmejusthowmuchhiswordsringtrue.
Youdrivemecrazy,Hattie.
It’swhathewhisperedtomewhenwewereonthefloor.Hewasbehindme,handsonmyhips,drivingintomeviciouslyuntilwebothcamesimultaneously.Ifeltitatthatmomentwhenhewasravenousandoutofcontrol.Butseeingtheevidencefromitthismorningmakesmesmilemore.
Steppingawayfromthemirror,Itakecareofbusiness,flush,andthenwashmyhands,myeyestravelingovermybody,takinginthemarksalloveragain.Idragmyfingertipsoverthem,andwitheverynewspotIfind,Igrowincreasinglydesperatetowakehimupandaskhimtoaddtomycollection.
IgivemyselfonelastlookbeforeIopenthebathroomdoor,whereIcomefacetofacewithHayesstandingontheotherside.Asmallsquealpopsoutofmymouthfromthesurpriseofhimstandingthere,butthenmyeyesroamhislickablebody.Thecutestsleepysmilecrosseshisfaceashetugsonhismessyhair.Hischesthasafewmarksfromme,there’sascratchmarknearhisrightnipple,andthen…
Oh.
My.
God.
Hisfullyerectcockstrainsbetweenus.
Whenmyeyesmeethis,Isay,“How?”
Hechuckles.“You,that’show.”Andthenhetugsonmyhandandbringsmetowardthebedwherehetakesaseatonthefloor,hisbackupagainstthesideofthebed.Hespinsmearoundsomyassisrightinfrontofhisface.Hishandsstartatmyanklesandmoveupuntiltheyroundovermybutt.“Bendover,baby.”
Unsurewhathewantsthistime,Ibendover,exposingmyentirebacksidetohim.Hegripsmyass,andbeforeIknowwhat’shappening,hedriveshistongueagainstmypussy.
“Spreadyourlegsmore.”
Alreadystartingtofeelbreathless,IspreadmylegsandthenhegoesbacktoflickinghistongueovermyclitwhileIreachdownandtouchmytoes,givingmyselfsomesemblanceofbalance.
“Fuck,youtastesogoodinthemorning,”hesaysbeforeusinghisthumbstospreadmypussyandgivehimbetteraccess.Heflickshistongueinshort,briefstrokes,buildingupthebaseofmyorgasm.Hedoesitinlayers.Helovesit.HegetsmetothepointthatI’mdrippingwet,begging,thenhepullsbackandbuildslayersofpleasureuntilI’mthrashing,pleadingwithhimtoletmecome.
Hismouthpullsaway,andheslideshisfingersalongmyslit,makingthemwet,onlytosliptheminsideme,curlingthemashereachesthehilt,hittingmeinjusttherightspotthatmyarmsimmediatelygonumb.
“Hayes,ohGod.”
“Mmm,there’sthatsoundIliketohear,”helazilysaysbeforescoopinghisfingersinsidemeagain.Hisotherhandrubsovermyasscheekrightbeforeheslapsit,justhardenoughtocatchmebysurprisewiththesting,butthenhesmoothshispalmovermyskin,soothingit.“Ididn’tlikewakingupaloneinbed.”Hespanksmeagain,causingmetogroan.
“Ihadtogotothebathroom,”Ipant.
“Doesn’tmeanIdidn’tlikeit.Iwantedthiswarmbodynexttome.”Hescoopsandspanksatthesametime,andIstarttolosemybalance,buthesteadiesme.“Iwantedtofeelyourtits,playwithyournipples,turnyouontoyourbackandsuckthemintomymouthuntilyouwerereadytocome.”Hescoopsandspanks.“Butyouweren’there.”Hespanksmeharder,andIcryoutinpleasure,forthefirsttimeactuallyfeelingmypussyconvulsearoundhisfingers.God,whatishedoingtome?“Don’tdoitagain.”Hespanksmeandthenreleaseshisfingers,onlytodrivehistongueagainstmyclitwithharder,fasterstrokesthistime.
“OhGod,Hayes.”Mylegsshakebeneathme,thispositionsohardtoholdforanextendedperiod,butIcan’t…Ican’tstophimbecauseitfeelstoodamngood.Hisamazingtonguevibratesacrossmyclit,givingmeexactlywhatIwant.WhatIneed.
Andwhenhespanksmeagain,myeyeswiden,noticinghiserection,precumdrippingdownthelength.
“Iwantyourcock,”IsaybeforeIcanstopmyself.“Iwantitbad.”
Hismouthliftsaway.“Can’tfuckinghearthatenough.”Hesootheshishandovermyassandsays,“Grabyourvibrator.”
“W-what?”
“Youheardme.Grabit.”Heleanshisheadagainstthebedashislargehandmovesupanddownhislength.Watchinghimsittingthere,watchingme,strokinghimself,hiscockglisteningfromhisarousal,hastobeoneofthesexiestsightsI’veeverseen.
I’minawholeotherworldwiththisman.There’snodenyingit.
Imovetomynightstandonshakylegs,myentirebottomhalfsore,andgrabmyvibratingwand.Ihandittohim,andhesays,“Turnbackaroundandsquatovermydick.”
Confusedaboutwhathehasplanned,Iturnawayfromhimandlowermyself,thankfullywithhimguidingme.
“That’sit,baby,”hesaysashepositionshiscockatmyentrance.“Nowsitdown.”
Mybackagainsthischest,Irestonhislap,hiscockfullyenteringme,fillingmeupinthemostdeliciousway.Itakeafewdeepbreaths,lettingmyselfsettleinbecausewhenIsayhe’sbig…he’sbig.
Long.
Thick.
Andheknowshowtouseit.
“That’smygirl,”hesaysashislipsrunupthebackofmyneck,makingmynippleshard.“Hikeyourlegsincloseoneithersideofmylegs.Iwantyouwideandexposed.”
Ibringmyfeetincloseandplacethemoutsideofhislegs,exposingmypussy.
“Suchagoodlistener,”hesays.Heturnsonmywandvibratorandbringsittomynipples,whereheletsitvibratethelittlenubs.God,thatfeelsincredible.
Ashefocusesthevibratoronmybreasts,herunsonefingerupmyslitandthensuckshisfingers.
“Icouldeatyoueverymorning,that’showfuckinggoodyoutaste.”Andthenhegoesinforseconds.
Thirds.
Onthefourthone,I’mbreathingsoheavilythatmychestisheaving.
“I…Ineedtomove,”Isay,hiscocktwitchinginsidemewitheverytastehehasofme.Howcanhedothat?Justbesubmergedinsidemeandnotlosehismind?Becausethat’showIfeelrightnow,likeifIdon’tstartcreatingfriction,Imightpassout.
“No,don’tfuckingmove,”hesaysashemovesthevibratorlower,andwhenIthinkhe’sgoingtobringittomyclit,helowersitfartheruntilhe’spressingitagainsthisballs.“Ahh,fuckyes,”hesays,hisbodyrelaxingbeneathme.“Ohfuck,Hattie.”Hishipsshiftasthevibrationagainsthisballstravelsuptome,uphislength,vibratinginsideme.Hepinchesmynipplewithhisotherhand,causingmypussytoclencharoundhim.“Fuckyes,”hegroans.“Jesus,I’mgoingtocomesohard.”
Hishipsstartmovingashecontinuestovibratehisballs.Thoselightpulsesaredrivingmeinsane.Ineedtocome.
“Ineedmore,”Isay,myhandfallingbetweenmylegstopressintomyclit.
“Don’tyoudarefuckingtouchyourself,”hesays.“Loopyourhandsbehindmyneck.”
“Hayes.”
Hepinchesmynipplehardinwarning,soIentwinemyhandsbehindhisneck,givinghimfreerangetomybody.AndIfullytrusthimbecauseasIsitonhislap,fullofhiscock,hefocuseshisattentionbackonmedespitehowmuchhelovedusingthevibratoronhimself.Heglidesthewandupmyinnerthigh,acrossmyclitbriefly,andthentotheotherinnerthigh.
“Iwon’tlast,Hayes,”Isay.“Please.”
Henibblesonmyneckandwhispers,“Iwon’teither.”
Thenhebringsthewandtomyclit,andIscreamsoloudthatInearlyflyoffhimbecause,JesusfuckingChrist,it’sthemostintensesensationI’veeverexperienced.Fullofhim,pressedagainsthischestwithmyback,clawingathisneckasthevibrationsearsthroughme.
Myorgasmclimbsatarapidrate,mypulseskyrockets,mylegsstarttogiveout,andasenseofeuphoriatakesovermeasIfeelhimtwitchinsideme.
“Yes,Hayes.Yes,”Iyell.“OhmyGod.”
“That’sit,baby,”hegroansintomyear.“Squeezemycock.”
Heholdsthevibratorsteady,rightwhereIneedit,rightwhereIcan’tescapeit,anditstartsatthetipsofmytoes.Itscreamsupmylegsandtightenseverymuscleinmybody,pullingtogether,tyinginadeepknotinthepitofmystomachandmyhipsbuckupasitcrestsoverme,asplashofpleasurelikeatidalwave,hittingmesohardthatIcryouthisnameasIcome.
“Hayes,fuck…ohmyGod.”
“Ahh,Jesus,baby,”hegroansashemovesthevibratorlower.“Pumpmycock.”
Irockupanddownonhim,mylegsdoingmostofthework,thevibrationstillcreatingthisafterglowofpleasurethroughmybodyashetenses,thevibratorfallingtohisballsagain.Hischesttightensbeneathme,hiscockswells,andthenhe’scoming,hisgroanturningintoabitemarkonmyshoulderasheridesouthisorgasm.
Ittakesafewsecondstocomebacktoearth,butwhenwedo,heswitchesoffthevibratorandtossesittothesidebeforeIdropmylegsdown,andhewrapshisarmsaroundmywaist,justundermybreasts.
“Fuckinghell,Hattie,”hesayswhilesqueezingmetight.“I’llnevergetenoughofyourpussy.Never.”
Irestmyheadagainsthisshoulder,andI’mabouttotellhimI’llnevergetenoughofhiscockwhenthere’saknockonmydoor.
Ohshit.
Whattimeisit?
“Hattie,”Aubree’svoicecomesthroughthedoor.“Iknowyou’reinthere…everyoneknowsyou’reinthere.”
“OhmyGod,”Iwhisper,forgettingafreakingbusinessisbelowus.
Mysisterjustheardus.
Customersprobablyheardus.
ThetownwillsoonknowwhatIsoundlikewhenIcome.
Feral.
Loud.
Andoutofcontrol.
Thefreakinghumiliation.
“Hattie,”Aubreecallsagain.
Cheeksheatedfromembarrassment,IliftfromHayesandripthecomforteroffmybedasIwalktothedoor,feelinghiscumstarttodripdownmyleg,justthewayhelikesit.Iwraptheblanketaroundmeandpartthedooropenasmidge.
Smilingnervously,Isay,“Uh…hey,sis.”
Herexpressionisflatasshesays,“Idon’tcarewhatyoudoinyourprivatetime,butduringbusinesshours,fortheloveofGod,Idon’tneedtheentertainmentofyourbedroomextracurricularactivities.Gotit?”
“Yup.Sorryaboutthat.Lost,uh,trackoftime.”
“Well,you’regoingtoapologizetoEthelbecausesheleftthestorewithbrightredcheeksandahorrifiedlookonherface.”
Great.Outofallpeopletohearus,ithadtobeEthel.Nowthetownwillthinkwe’resomesexsycophants.
Although,afterthepasttwenty-fourhours,maybeweare.
“Sorry,”Isayagain.
Aubreeshakesherheadandmovesdownthestairswithoutanotherword.WhenIshutthedoor,Hayeswrapshisarmsaroundmefrombehind,nottheleastbitapologetic.
“Theyheardus,Hayes.”
“So?”heasks,kissingmyneck.
“So…peoplearegoingtothinkwe’resexfiendswhentheytalktoEthel.Imean,IscreamedwhenIcame.Actuallyscreamed.Myvoiceisalittlehoarsefromit.”
“Youdid.Itwasreallyfuckinghot.”
“Hayes,”IcomplainasIturninhisembrace.Hepushesdowntheblanketandpinsmeagainstthedoor.
“What?”heasksashebendsatthekneesandtakesoneofmybreastsintohismouth,momentarilydistractingme.
“You…youcan’t…wecan’t…”Hetugsonmynipple,andasmallmoanfallspastmylipsagain.
“Ifyoudon’twantthemthinkingwe’resexfiends,youhavetobequieterthanthat.”Hescoopsmeupandlaysmedownonthebed,withmylegsdanglingoffthebed.Hespreadsthemandswipesathiscum,onlytosmoothitacrossmystomach.
Whenourgazesmatchup,hismarkingsnowalloverme,IknowI’llhavetocovermymouthwithapillowbecausehe’snotgoingtotakeiteasyonme.
PoorAubree.Well,shedidtellmetogoafterwhatIwant…
***
Handonmythigh,HayesdriveshisSUVtowardthefarmhousewiththeother,thebackoftheSUVpiledupwitheverythingweneedtoredotheroomtoday.
Afterhemademecomeagainonhistongue,Iconvincedhimtoshower,whichhe’donlydoifIjoinedhim,whichofcoursemeantIwentdownonhim.
Maybewearesexfiends…
Eitherway,wefinallymadeitoutoftheapartment,clothed,andavoidedAubreealtogether.I’mprettysureIwasquietwhenhehadmeonthebed,buthonestly,Ican’tbesure.Hetendstomakemeforgeteverythingwhenhe’sbetweenmylegs.
Andnowthatwe’redriving,breakfastsandwichesreadytobeconsumedwhenwearrive,Ican’thelpbutnoticejusthowrightitfeelstositnexttohim,hishandonme,claimingmeeverychancehecanget.Italmostfeelslikethiswasmeanttobe.Meandhim.
“Whydidyoucoverupmybitemarks?”heasksasheglancesoveratme.
“Areyouserious?”Iask.
Henods.“Yeah,youshouldbeproudofthose.”
“Iam,”Isay.“ButI’llalsobeseeingmynieceandbrotherlater,andIdon’twantittobeobviousthatyouspentthepasttwenty-fourhourslicking,kissing,andbitingeveryinchofmybody.DoyoureallythinkRylandwillbecoolaboutit?”
Hepausesforamomentandthenchuckles.“Jesus,Icompletelyforgotabouthisreaction.He’sgoingtomurderme.”
“No,becauseIcoveredeverythingup.You’rewelcome.”
Hesighsheavily.“Icompletelyforgotabouttheworldaroundus.”Heglancesoverbriefly.“Ididn’thurtyou,didI?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,notatall.”IfeelablushcreepupmycheeksasIsay,“Ilikedeverything…andImeaneverything.”Ihadabsolutelynoideasexcouldbeso…animalistic.Wonderful.Euphoric.Thatsquattingposition…usingmyvibrator…Ineedtostopthinkingaboutit.IdoubtI’veeverbeenthatturnedoninmylife.I’veneverfeltsoconnectedtosomeoneduringsexeither.
Asmirkpullsatthecornerofhismouth.“Goodanswer.ButifI’mevertoorough,youhavetoletmeknow.IfeellikeIlostmymindaroundyoulastnight.Icouldn’tgetenough.”
“Icouldtell.”
“Areyousore?”
“Yes,”Ianswer,andhesqueezesmythigh.“Butinagoodway.”
“I’msorry,”hesayssoftly.
“Don’tapologize.”
“No,I’msorry,becausethemomentIcangetmyhandsonyou,I’mnotgoingtotakeiteasy.”
Thatmakesmelaugh.“God,Hayes.You’resoold.Wheredoyougettheenergy?”
“Excuseme?”heasksindisgust.Ilaughevenlouder.“I’mnotfuckingold.WatchyourmouthorI’llshovemydickinittheminutewestopthiscar.”
“Asifthat’sapunishment.”
“Watchit,”hesaysinathreateningtone.“YourbrothermightkillyouifIfuckyouinhishouse,butitwillbewellworthit.”
Iplacemyhandontopofhisandslipmyfingersunderhispalmsowe’reholdinghands.“Isthishowit’sgoingtobe?Youjustfuckingmeeverychanceyouget?”
“Doyouhaveaproblemwiththat?”
“Nope,notaslongasyoustillwineanddineme.Justdon’twanttobetreatedlikeafling.”
“Trustme,babe,you’reanythingbutafling.”Hepullsdownthedirtroadtothefarmhouseandparksinfrontofit.Everyoneisgoneatthispoint,sowehavethehousetoourselves.
IgotoexittheSUVwhenhekeepsmeinplace.WhenIturntowardhim,hecupsmycheekandsincerelysays,“Youheardme,right?You’reanythingbutafling.”
“Iheardyou,”Isay.
“AndImeanit.”Hemovesinaninch.“Imightbefuckinggreedywithyourpussyrightnow,butthatdoesn’tnegatethefactthatIlikeyou,alot.Ilikeyourmind,yourheart,yourquickwit,thewayyoucareforme,andthewayyoumakemefeelwhenyouwalkintotheroom.There’ssomuchmoretousthanjustsex,andIdon’twantyoutothinkIlostfocusofthat.”
“Ididn’t,”Isay.“Butit’sgoodtoknow.”
“Good.”Heclosesthespacebetweenusandbrushesaverylightkissonmylips.Whenhereleasesme,hesays,“Staythere.”
Heexitsthecarandroundsthehood,whereheopensmycardoor.Beforepullingmeout,heleansinandrestshisforeheadagainstmine.
Iloopmyhandbehindhisheadandwhisper,“Youokay?”
“Perfectactually,”heanswerswhenhelooksupatme.“Sofuckingperfect,Hattie,thatitdoesn’tfeelreal.Thisdoesn’tfeelreal.”
“Iknowwhatyoumean,”Isay.“IwokeupthismorningfeelingsohappythatIalmostdidn’ttrustit.”
“Same,”hesays.Helowersmyhandsfromhisneck,andhegripsthemashelooksmeintheeye.“I’mscaredI’mgoingtofuckthisup,Hattie.”
“Why?”IaskasIactuallyseethefearinhiseyes.
“BecausetheonlyotherrelationshipIwasin,Ifuckedup.Idon’thavegoodexamplesofloveinmylife,andIdon’thaveagoodfuckingtrackrecord.”
“Thatdoesn’tmeananything,”Isay.“That’sallinthepast.”
“Iknow,butIstillhavethisloomingfear.”Hisscaredeyesmeetmine.“Thisistoogoodtobetrue.Like…Idon’tfuckingdeserveyou.”
“Yes,youdo.”Ineverwouldhavethoughtthatsuchaconfident,charmingvirilemancouldhaveanyself-doubts.“Whywouldyousaythat?”
“Becausewhenitcomestorelationshipsinmylife,Itendtolosethem.You’reloyaltoyourcore.”
“Soareyou,”Isay.“LookatyourrelationshipwithAbel.That’sstoodthetestoftimethroughsomereallyroughpatches.Youcheatedonyourgirlfriendbackinhighschool.Thatwasalongtimeago.Andyousaidyoulearnedfromyourmistakes.”
“Idid.”Hesighs.“Fuck,I’msorry.Ishouldn’tbeworryingyouwiththis.Let’s…let’sgetthestuffinthehouseandgetpainting.”
“Holdon,”Isay,keepinghishandsinmineandnotlettinghimleave.“Hayes,lookatme.”Whenhiseyesmatchupwithmine,Isay,“Itrustyouwithmyheart.Youhaven’tdoneanythingtoprovemedifferently.Infact,everychanceyou’vehad,you’veprotectedme.You’veputmeandmyneedsfirst.Thepickles,thejob,lettingMaggiestayatyourhouse,myrelationshipwithmybrother,theapartment…you’vealwaysputmefirst,nomatterwhat.Thisisn’ttoogoodtobetrue.Thisisrealbecausewe’veworkedatit.You’veworkedatit.Okay?”
Hereachesaroundmeandpullsmeintoasofthugbeforetiltingmychinupandpressingalightkisstomylips.“Fuck,Ilikeyou,Hattie.”
“Ilikeyou,too,”Isay.“Alot.”
Hekissesmeagain.“Good,becauseI’msofuckingattachedtoyouthatI’mnotsureIcouldletyougoatthispoint.”
“Youbetternot,”Isay,andhesmilesthatbeautifulsmileofhis.
Ashehelpsmeoutofthecarandwestartunloadingeverythingintothehouse,IthinkabouthowdifferentHayesiscomparedtotheimageIhadofhiminmyhead.Growingup,Ididn’tknowmuchabouthim,justthathewasmyolderbrother’sfriend,andwheneverythingwentdownbetweenhimandRyland,hebecametheAntichristinourhouse.Thatsummer,itwasRyland’sdownfall.HestoppedplayingbaseballandcamebacktoAlmondBay.Dadtreatedhimlikeabsoluteshiteverychancehecouldget,andweallthoughtitwasbecauseofwhatHayesdid.Inreality,itwasn’tHayesatall.SoIdevelopedthisimageofhiminmyheadthathewasabadperson.Aterribleperson.Ifeltsoguiltyforlikinghismusic.
Andnowthatimagehasbeencompletelyobliterated.Hayesisnotthatpersonatall.He’sverylovingandcaringwithaheartofgoldifheletsyouintoexperienceit.He’sprotective,loyal,fierce.Andhe’ssensitiveandslightlyinsecure,whichmakeshimhuman…andmakesmelikehimthatmuchmore.Ifhewasn’talittleinsecure,he’dalmostcomeoffaspompous.Likehe’sbetterthaneveryone,andgivenhispopularityandprofession,thatwouldbeunderstandable.
Buthe’snotlikethat.
He’sanythingbutthat.
Andit’soneofthereasonsI’mfallingfastandhardforthisguy.
***
Hattie:Ithappened.
Maggie:Whathappened?
Hattie:Thesex.
Maggie:Whhhhat?!?Like…penismetvaginalastnight?Andshookhands?
Hattie:Howcouldtheypossiblyshakehands?
Maggie:Idon’tknow…tipandclit?
Hattie:God,Maggie!
Maggie:Youasked!
Hattie:Ihonestlythinkthere’ssomethingseriouslywrongwithyou.
Maggie:Stopdivertingmefromtherealmeatofthisconversation.YouhadHayesFarrow’spenisinsideyou.
Hattie:Youdon’tneedtoputitlikethat,butyes…multipletimes.
Maggie:DearGod,where’smyfanwhenIneedit?Tellmeeverything.Iwanttoknowlength,girth,rotation.
Hattie:Whatthehellisrotation?
Maggie:Howdidthatboatfloat?Wasthemotionoftheoceangood?
Hattie:Ifyoukeeptalkinglikethat,we’renothavingthisconversationanymore.
Maggie:Helpagirlout!It’sbeensolongforme.Ineedthis.Tellme,please.
Hattie:Fine,butdon’tbecreepy.Hewasverylong,Imean,stretchedpassedhisbellybutton.
Maggie:*whispers*Jesus.
Hattie:Girthwasreallytight.Like,hehadtopauseformetorelaxsohecouldfit.
Maggie:*wipesdrool*MotherofGod.
Hattie:And“rotation,”notsurehowtodescribewhateverthisisforyou,buthewasbottomingouteverysingletime.
Maggie:AndIamnowweepinginmypurse.Thankyouforthat.
Hattie:Andthat’sjusthispenis.That’snottherestofhim.Hishands,hismouth…hisdemanding,unyieldingvoice.Hekeptaskingformoreandmore.
Maggie:I’mlegitsobbingintoanoldpeanutbuttercrackerwrapperbecausethat’sallIhaveatthemoment.IamJEALOUS!!I’massuminghehadnoproblemfindingyourclit.
Hattie:None.Maggie,itwassofreakinggood,likeIdidn’tthinksexcouldbelikethat.Andthethingshewhisperedinmyearwhenhewasdeepinsideme.Ican’tstopthinkingaboutit.Ugh,andthenthismorning,Icompletelyforgotwherewewere,andhehadhimselffullyinsidemewhileusingavibratoragainstmyclit,andIscreamedsoloud…
Maggie:Wherewereyou?
Hattie:AboveTheAlmondStore.Aubreecameandknockedonthedoor.Ethelheardeverything.
Maggie:OhmyGod!Theoldcrotchprobablyhadherspiritreawakened.
Hattie:Probably.Butseriously,hemakesmeforgeteverythingaroundme,andit’sjustus.IthinkI’mfallinghardforhim.
Maggie:Aw,thatmakesmesohappy.
Hattie:Butdon’tyouthinkit’ssoon?Imean,I’mstillafewweeksoutfromMattbreakingupwithme.Thisisn’tareboundthing,isit?
Maggie:No.NotfromthewayI’veheardyoutalkabouthim.Thisissomuchmore,andlet’sbehonest,it’snotlikeyouandMattwerefullyimmersedintoeachother’slives.Youweredriftingapart.
Hattie:Wewere.
Maggie:AndwithHayes,itseemsyouguysareonadifferentjourney.Youhaveadeeperconnection.WithMatt,itwasmoreofthathighschooltypeoflove,whichsometimesgrowsstrongerwithyearsor,inyourcase,fadedasyougrewup.WithHayes,you’reinamorematurerelationship.
Hattie:True,andhetoldmethismorninghowmuchhelikesme.Hemadeitknownhehadnointentionofendingwhatwehave.
Maggie:Eeep,really?
Hattie:Yes,andhewantsmetomeethisgrandma.There’satowngatheringatFiveSixSevenEightthatAubreetextedmeabout.Macwantsusalltogo,andHayessaidwecouldtakehisgrandmaaswellbecausesheneedstogetoutofherapartment.
Maggie:Oh,RylandandAubreemustbeTHRILLEDaboutatowngathering.Aubreeespecially.
Hattie:Ithinkshe’dratherlistentomeandHayesgoatitintheapartmentabove.ButyouknowAubree,she’lldoprettymuchanythingforMac.Allofuswill.
Maggie:Sothisisgood.You’reallgoingtohangouttogether.EvenRylandandHayes?
Hattie:Ithinkso.Imean,thingsaren’tcomfortablebetweenthem,butIthinkthey’llgettoapointwhereit’snotawkward.
Maggie:Itshouldgetbetteronceyourevealthebedroom,don’tyouthink?
Hattie:Ithinkso.Ialsothinkit’sapeaceofferingfromHayes.
Maggie:How’sitcomingalong?
Hattie:Good.Hayesistouchingupsomepaint—withhisshirtoff—andI’mrestingonthebed,textingyoubecauseIjustgotdoneironingcurtains.
Maggie:Sendmeapicture.Iwanttoseehimwithhisshirtoff.
Hattie:That’smyboyfriend!Youcan’tdroolalloverhimnow.Andsayingthingslikeheimpregnatedyouinyourmind.
Maggie:Mythoughtsaremyownthoughts.Youcan’ttakethoseawayfromme.Andareyouactuallyofficial?Ishecallingyouhisgirlfriend?
Hattie:Idon’tknow,Imean…wehaven’thadthechancetodointroductions,butI’dassumehe’dcallmethataftertheconversationwehadthismorning.
Maggie:Andthemultipleorgasms.
Hattie:Somanyorgasms.
“Whatareyoudoingoverthere?”Hayesasks,startlingmesobadlythatInearlytossmyphoneintheair.
Handtochest,Isay,“Jesus,youscaredme.”
Hesetshispaintbrushdownandwalksuptome.“Whoeveryou’retexting,Idon’tlikeit.”
“Why?”Iaskashelaysmedownonthebedandhoversaboveme,hispecsflexing.
“Becauseyouhavethissmirkonyourlipsthat’sonlymeantforme.”
“Thatsmirkwasbecauseofyou,”Isay.“IwastextingMaggieaboutyou.”
Onesingleeyebrowlifts,andhesays,“Wereyounow?Whatwereyousaying?”
“Nothingofyourconcern.”
Heleansincloserandpressesakisstomyneck.Ireallylovethosekisses,somethingthat’ssurprisedme.Maybeit’sbecauseit’sHayes,andIlikeeverythinghedoes.
“Seemslikeit’ssomethingthatshouldconcernmewhenyou’resmirkinglikethat.”
Hislipsmoveuptomymouth,andIsettleinforhislipstocontrolmine.Hedoesn’tkissme,justhoversrightaboveme.He’swithinreachbutnotgivingmewhatIwant.
“Tellme,”hesays.
“No.It’sembarrassing.”
“Nothingtobeembarrassedaboutwhenyou’rewithme,”hewhispers.“Wasitaboutlastnight?”Inod,andhesmirks.“Tellherhowyoubasicallymademeaddictedtoyourbody?”
“No,Itoldherhowyoumademeaddictedtoyou.”
“Lookslikewehaveadifferenceinopinion.”Heleansdownandpressesakisstomylips.“I’llneverbethesamemanafterlastnight.”
Butterfliestakeflightinmystomachashestaresdownatme,hiswordssoreal.Iknowhemeansthembecauseheneverlooksaway.He’snotonetoblowmeupwithfalserhetoric.He’strue.He’sreal.He’sraw,andIloveallofit.
“Whenyousaythingslikethat,itmakesmefeelallgooeyinside.”
Hechuckles.“Gooey,huh?”Inod.“That’scute,Hattie.”Hekissesmynose.“Whatelsedidyousay?”
“Justaboutlastnightandhowyoushowedmewhatitwasliketobewitharealman.Imighthavetoldheryouhaveahugepenis.”
HeshakeshisheadandlaughswhilepullingmeupsoI’msitting,andhe’sstandinginfrontofme.“Notgoingtocomplainaboutthat.”
Isnagmyfingerthroughhisbeltloopandpullhimcloser.HishandfallstomycheekasIstareupathim.“Isaidsomethingaboutbeingyourgirlfriend,andsheaskedifthat’swhatyoucalledme.IsaidIdidn’tknowbecausewehaven’tdoneanyintroductions.Itseemssojuveniletohavethatconversation,don’tyouthink?”
Heshakeshishead.“Idon’tthinkso.Ithinkit’sanhonestconversationtohave.”Histhumbrubsovermycheek.“Andjusttocleartheair,becauseI’mnotsurewhatyoutoldMaggie,butyouaremygirlfriend,andtherebetternotbeanyotherfuckerinthepicture.Gotit?”
Mystupid,giddysmilestretchesovermylips.“Gotit.”
“Good.”Hestepsaway.“Nowputthephonedown,weneedtofinishthisroombeforeyourbrothergetshome,andyoulyingonhisbed,lookingsexyasshitinthoseshorts,isn’thelping.”
“Asifyouwalkingaroundwithyourshirtoffishelping.”
“It’snot,butit’smychoicetotortureyou.Youdon’thavethatoption.”
MymouthfallsopenasIstandup.“Pardonme?”
“Youheardme.”Heslapsmyass,thesoundechoinginthebarelyemptyroom.“Gettowork,babe.”
Andthenhewalksoutoftheroom,thedimplesabovehisasspullingmyattention.
Damnhim.
***
“I’mgoingtopuke,”IsaytoHayesaswestandinthelivingroom.Rylandwillbehereanyminute.MaciswithAubreeattheshophelpinghermakesomecookies,soshe’stakencareofincasethissurprisegoeshaywire.
Wehadalittleextratime,sowecleanedupMac’sroom,addedafewofCassidy’sitems,touchedupthepaint,hungnewcurtains,andHayesevenputtogetheraminibunkbedforChewyCharlesandhisfriends.
“It’sgoingtobefine,”Hayessaysasheholdsmyhand.
“Whatifhe’spissed,though?Like,whatifhedoesn’twanttoliveinCassidy’sroom?Whatifhewantedthatroomtoliveonforever?”
“Webothknowthat’snothealthyforanyone.YoudidthisbecauseRylandneedsaplacetostayotherthanthecouch,becausethereneedstobeanewnormal.AndweevenmovedpicturesandtrinketsintoMac’sroomsoshehasmoreofhermominherroom.Ipromiseyou,thiswillbeokay.”
“IshouldhaveaskedRylandforpermission.Imean,thisishishousenow,andIjustwentandrenovatedaroomwithoutasking.”
“Youpaintedit;youdidn’trenovate.Andhe’snotgoingtobemad.He’llbegrateful.”
“Idon’tknow,”Isay,startingtofeelnauseous.
ThetelltalerumbleofRyland’slargetrucksounds.Ohcrap.Ohcrap.Ohcrap.
Hefliesdownthedrivewayandparksinfrontofthehouse.Wehavethedooropen,butthescreendoorisclosed.Withabackpackoverhisshoulder,hewalksuptheporchandthenstopswhenheopensthedoorandseesusstandinginthelivingroom.
“Uh,what’sgoingon?”heasks.Hiseyesfalltoourconnectedhandsandthenbackuptous.“Areyouheretotellmesomething?”
OhGod,Icanseehowthislooks.
IquicklyreleaseHayes’shand.“No.Nothingtoannounce.We’renotannouncinganything,justholdinghands,butnotlikeheretosurpriseyouandbelikeababyisonthewayoranythinglikethat.”Rylandliftshisbrow.“Notthatwehavedoneanythingtomakeababy.”Hayesshiftsuncomfortablynexttome.“Imean…yes…wehave.We’vedonethebaby-makingstuff,butwithnointentionofmakingachild.”
“Jesus,”Hayesmutters.
“ButI’monbirthcontrol,sononeedtoworryaboutthatincaseyouwereworried,butfromthelookonyourface,youweren’tworried,morehorrifiedbecauseIjusttoldyou,yourlittlesisterishavingsexwithyourformerbestfriend,turnedex-enemy,whoisnowyourmereacquaintance.”IlookupatHayes.“Isthatwhatyouare?Acquaintances?”Whenhedoesn’tanswer,Icontinue.“Soyeah,we’rehavingsex,butyouprobablyalreadyknewthatsinceEthelheardusthismorning.IcompletelyforgotaboutTheAlmondStorebelowus,sothatwasafuntreatforeveryone.DidAubreetellyou?I’msureshetoldyou.Ethelprobablyputoutanewsletteraboutmyscreaming.Uhh,notthatyouneedtoknowIwasscreaming—”
“FortheloveofGod,Hattie,”Hayessaysnexttome.
“I’msorry.Jesus,whatamIevensayingtoyou?”IgesturetowardRylandashejuststandsthere,blinking.
“Uh…Ihavenofuckingclue,butifyoucouldstoptalkingaboutyouhavingsex,I’dreallyappreciateit,”Rylandsays,lookingslightlygreen.
Don’tblamehim.I’malittlesickmyself.
“Yup.Alldonewiththattopicandmovingon,”Isay,sweatformingonthebackofmyneck.“We’rehereforareason,andit’stoshowyousomething.”
Tentatively,Rylandsetshisbackpackdownintheentryway.“Okay,whatisit?”
“Well,yousee,itallstartedbackwhen—”
“Comeupstairs,”Hayessays,cuttingmeofffromwhatevertangentIwasabouttogoon,andI’mgratefulforit
Hayestakesmyhandinhis,andheleadsusupthestairs,Rylandtrailingus.Whenwereachtheroom,Hayesstepstothesideandpushesthedooropen,revealingthebedroomwesetupformybrother.
Adeepslate-graypaintcoatsthewalls—Hayespickedoutthecolor,andIloveit—blackcurtainsframethewindows,andacharcoalarearugcoversthelight-coloredfloor.Afakeficusisinthecorneroftheroom,bringingapopofcolor,andthehunter-greenbeddingalmostlooksblackwhenthelightisn’tshiningonit.Thewoodandironnightstandswechosegogreatwiththeaesthetic,andtheblackandwhitepicturesofabaseballfieldaddthatpersonaltouchIknowRylandwouldappreciate.
HayeswrapshisarmaroundmyfrontandholdsmecloseasRylandwalksintotheroomwithalookofshockonhisface.
“BeforeyoufreakoutorquestionwhathappenedtoCassidy’sthings,Iwentthroughitallandputalmosteverythinginstorage.IputsomeitemsinMac’sroomaswellasdresseditupabitforherinthere.Butwesavedagoodportionofherclothesthatweknewwouldhavesentimentalvalueanddonatedtherest.Allblanketshavebeensaved,oneplacedonMac’sbed.Andthepicturesonherdresserhavebeenplacedaroundthehouseforeveryonetoenjoy.”
Rylandglancesaroundtheroom,stillinshock,soIapproachhimandplacemyhandonhisback.
“Youdeservethis,Ryland.Youcan’tsleeponthecouchforever,andIknowyou’dneverhavedonethisyourself.SoHayesandIdiditforyou.You’retakingonahugeresponsibilitybyraisingMacandgivingheralovinghome.Youdeserveaspacewhereyoucanrelax.”
Hedragshishandoverhismouth.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthis.”
“Isthatahappyyoucan’tbelievewedidthisoramadone?”Iask,fearpricklingupmyspine.
Rylandturnstowardme.“Agoodone.”Andforthefirsttimeinmyfreakinglife,Iseetearsfillhiseyes.Ididn’tevenseehimcrywhenCassidydied.He’salwayskeptittogetherforus.He’salwaysbeenourrock,buttoseehimgetemotionaloverhisnewroom?It…itbringstearstomyeyesaswell.“Thisis…wow.”HeshakeshisheadindisbeliefandthenglancesatHayes.“Youhelped?”
Hayesstandsinthedoorway,hishandsstuffedinhisjeanspockets.“Idid.”
Rylandnods.“Thanks,man.Thatmeansalot.”Hethenturnstowardmeandtakesmyhandinhis.“Idon’tknowifI’lleverbeabletothankyouenoughforthisbecauseyou’reright;Ineverwouldhavedoneitmyself.I’dhavesleptonthatcouchuntilMacturnedeighteen.”Thenhepullsmeintoahugandholdsmetight.It’sallIneedtoturnintoabumblingmess.
Becausehedeservesthissomuch.Rylandhasn’thadtheeasiestlife.Beingthefirstborn,withexpectationsofbecomingaprofessionalbaseballplayerheldoverhishead,he’sneverhadanyleeway.Andwhenhequitbaseballtobecomeateacher,ourfatherharassedhimconstantly.Buthemadehisway.HebecameheadcoachatAlmondBayHigh.He’sbuilttheprogramtowhereitistoday,ahotbedforcollegestorecruitfrom,andhe’swonTeacheroftheYeartwice.He’sbuilthislifearoundacommunity,he’sbeenthereforallofus,puthislifetothesidetohelpCassidywhenherhusbandpassed,andwhentheunthinkablehappenedwithCassidy,hesteppedup.He’salwaysthinkingofothers,andit’sabouttimesomeonethoughtabouthim.
Whenhereleasesme,Iwipeatafewtearsandsay,“I’msogladyouloveit.”
“Ido.I’msogratefulforyou.”
Ilookupintomybigbrother’seyes,thesamecolorasmine,andIsay,“No,Ryland,I’mtheonewhoisgratefulforyou.”
Hesmilessoftly,andthat’swhenHayessays,“Wantmetogiveyouguysamoment?”
“No,”Rylandsayswithachuckle.“ButIdowanttoknowwhythere’saposterofyouonthebackofmydoor.”
Hayessmirks.“Thoughtyoumightneedtobecomereacquaintedwithme.It’sbeenawhile,afterall.I’vedonesomethingsyoumightnotbeawareof.”
“Despitehatingyouforabetterpartofadecade,it’shardtoescapethethingsyou’vedone.”
“Well,incaseyouwantedtolisten,Ileftyoutworecordsnexttoyournewrecordplayer.ThesongDarkLiarisaboutyou.”
“Isit?”Rylandasks,andItotallylovethisplayfulenergybetweenthem.“LookslikeIneedtoholdtherecordcasetomychest,stareupattheceiling,andgiveitalisten.”
“Theonlywaytodoit.”
RylandwalksuptoHayesandholdshishandout.HayestakesitrightbeforeRylandpullshimintooneofthoseone-armedbrohugs,andIsweartoyou,themomenttheydoit,thiscloudthat’sbeenrestingoverAlmondBaylifts.Aweighthasbeenliftedfromallofus.Afriendshiprenewed.Sure,theyhaveawaytogo,butthisisthestart,thebeginning.“Thanks,Hayes.Ireallyappreciatethis.”Rylandpullsaway.“AfterthewayItreatedyou,Idon’tthinkIdeserveyourhelp.”
“Waterunderthebridge,man.”
Theybothturntome,andtearsstreamdownmyface,whichcausesbothofthemtolaugh.
Iswipeatthem.“Don’tlaughatme.Thisis…thisisahugereliefforme.Ispentsomuchtimeworryingaboutyoutwogettingalongthatit’saweightliftedoffmychesttoseeyouasbestfriendsagain.”
“Whoa,holdup,”Hayessays,holdinguphishands.“Bestfriendsisabitofastretch.Themandidwrongfullyaccusemeformanyyears.I’dsaywe’recategorizedunderfriendlieracquaintances.”
“Iagree,”Rylandsays.“Don’tbecallingusbestfriendsifwehaven’tevenhungoutaloneyet.We’llseewhereweareafterthathappens.Maybegraduatetotextingacquaintances.”
“Theobviousnextstep,”Hayesaddswithanod.
“God,you’rebothannoying.”
TheylaughtogetherasIleavetheroom…apleasedsmileonmyface.ChapterTwenty-One
HAYES
“Youpromiseshewon’thateme?”HattieasksaswemakeourwaytoGran’sapartment.
“No,she’sgoingtobethrilledtomeetyoueventhoughshetechnicallyknowswhoyouare.”
“Howdoyouknow?WhatifshethinksI’msomesortoffangirltryingtogetpregnantsoyou’reattachedtomeforever?”
“Honestly,she’dwelcometheidea.”
“Huh?”Hattieasks,thecutestcrinkletohernose.
“Granhasbeenalittlenuttyrecently.She’lltellyoushe’sdyinginthenextsixmonths,buttrustmewhenIsayshe’snot.Andshe’llalsomostlikelyaskyouifyou’repregnant,butforherbenefitbecauseshewantsagreat-grandchild.”
“OhGod,really?”
“Yes.She’llhammerhometheideaofyougettingpregnant.Justbepreparedforthat.”
IpullintotheparkingspotforGran’sapartmentandputthecarinpark.
“Andifshesaysanythingthatoffendsyou,I’msorryinadvance.LikeIsaid,she’salittlenutty.Justbementallypreparedforthat.”
“NuttyIcanhandle,butangrywithmeforhavingsexwithherfamousgrandson?NotsureIcanhandlethatone.”
“Therewon’tbeanyanger,Ipromise.”Iroundthecarandopenherdoorforher.
Dressedinaprettylightgreendresswithherhairstyledupintoahighponytail,shelookssodamnbeautifulthatIkeeptellingmyselfhowluckyIamtohaveherinmylife.Itakeherhandinmine,andwewalkuptoGran’sapartment,wonderingifIshouldstartthinkingaboutasingle-floorplaceforhertostay.Although,shelovesthesecondfloorbecauseshehasabetterview.SeemslikeImightneedtolookintooneofthosechairliftsforthestairs.Thatwayshegetsherviewanddoesn’thavetoworryaboutwalkingupanddownthestairs.
WhenIreachherdoor,IsqueezeHattie’shand,andIofferaknock.
“Whydoyoualwaysknock?Justcomein,”Granshoutsfromherchair.
TurningtoHattie,Iwhisper,“Prepareyourself.”
Iopenthedoorandstepinfirst,Hattietrailingme.“Thereyouare,”Gransays.“Butwhereisyourladyfriend?”
ItugHattieforwardwhosmilesandwavesatGran.“Hello,it’ssonicetomeetyou,”Hattiesays.
GranadjustsherglassesonhernoseandgivesHattiethemostthoroughonce-overI’veeverwitnessed.Slowandobservant,Granscansherfromherfeetallthewayuptoherface.Andwhenshe’sfinallydone,shesays,“Greathipsforhavingachild.”
Yup,Ifuckingknewit.
“Oh,uh,thankyou,”Hattiesaysawkwardly.
“Areyoupregnant?”Granasks.
“Canyoupleasenotstartwiththat?”Iaskher.“MaybesayhiandgettoknowHattiebeforeyoustartaskingheraboutheruterus?”
Granshakesherhead.“Wedon’thavetimeforpleasantries.I’mdying,andIneedgreat-grandchildren.So,areyoupregnant?”
Thankfully,HattiehandlesGranwithgrace.ShewalksintotheroomandsitsacrossfromherintheseatInormallyoccupywhilevisiting.“I’mnotpregnant.I’msorry.”
“Whatashame,”Gransays.“Youseemlikeyoucouldhandleapregnancywell.”
“Youknow,I’vethoughtthesamething,”Hattiesays.“Butyourgrandsondoesn’twanttogetmepregnant.Toldmetomyface,canyoubelievethat?”
Whatthehell?
“HayesRichardFarrow!”Granyells.“Howdareyousayyoudon’twantherchildrenwhenyouknowdamnwellshehasthehipsforit?”
“That’swhatItoldhim,”Hattiesays.“Ipointedatmyhipsandsaid,‘theseweremadeforyourbaby.’”
“Standup,”Gransays.Hattiestandsinfrontofher,andtomyhorror,GrangripsHattie’shipsandgivesthemagoodshake.“ByGod,they’resturdy.”ShelooksupatHattie.“Hasheimplantedhisseed?”
“Okay,that’senough,”Isay,movingHattieawayfromGran.“Jesus.Ididn’tbringHattieheresoyoucanberateherabouthavingmybaby.”
“Thenwhydidyoubringherhere?”GranasksasItakeaseatonthechairacrossfromherandpullHattiedownonmylap.
“BecauseIwantedtointroduceyoutomygirlfriend.”
Granwavesherhanddismissively.“Oh,IknowwhoHattieRowleyis.ShedatedthatpipsqueakMattforawhile.Sheleveledupifyouaskme.Althoughshemightbealittleoutofyourleague,Hayes.Haveyouthoughtaboutthat?”
“Yeah,haveyouthoughtaboutthat,Hayes?”Hattieasks,lookingbackatme.
Oh,isshegoingtopayforthislater.“Ihave,andI’mjustgoingtobegratefulforeveryminuteshegivesme.”
Granshakesherhead.“Hesaysthosekindsofthingsinhissongs.Makesureyoustayonyourtoes.”
Hattiechuckles.“Oh,Iwill.”
“Good.”Grantakesadeepbreath.“Well,Iamgladtoseethatsmileonmygrandson’sface.NotsureI’veseenagenuinesmileinawhile.Itmeansyou’redoingsomethingright,HattieRowley.”
“Sheis,”Isay,givingherasqueeze.“Ilikeheralot,Gran.”IkissHattie’scheek,andthatperfectblushofherscreepsoutoverhercheeks.
“Yes,Icanseethat.He’shadquitethethingforyouforawhilenow.Toldmeyouwereofflimitsalittlebitago,butitdoesn’tlooklikeyouwerethatofflimits.”
Hattiechuckles.“Wehadsomecomplicationstoworkthrough,butI’mgladwefigureditoutbecauseasmuchasIdon’tliketoinflatehisego,I’velikedhimforawhiletoo.”
“Thenit’ssettled.”Granclapsherhandstogether.“You’regoingtogetpregnant.”
Jesus.
Christ.
***
“Yougood,Gran?”IaskasIsitherinachairthatoverlooksthepartyattheinn.
“Yes,thisisgreat.JustkeepEthelawayfromme,orelseshe’llfindmycaneupherbutt.”
“She’sbeenproperlywarned,”Isay,whichwasanawkwardconversationtohavewithEthel.IjusttoldherGranwasnotinthemoodforconversation,andunlessshewantedtohaveanoldladygooffduringherevent,juststayaway.Ethelunderstood,thankfully.
“CanIgetyouanythingtodrink?”
Sheshakesherheadassheholdshercane,staringouttowardtheocean,andIcantellthisisexactlywhatsheneeds.Iwishshe’dcomeoutofherapartmentmore,andmaybethat’sonme.PerhapsIneedtoencouragehermore.ThemomentItoldherIwastakinghertothisevent,shedidn’tputupmuchofafight.Ithinkthestairsareachallenge,though,andI’lllookintoachairthatwillgetherupanddownthestairswithoutaproblem.It’stheleastIcando.
“Okay,well,hollerifyouneedanything,okay?”
“Hayes?”Shereachesformyhand.Isquatinfrontofher.“IlikeHattieforyou.”
“Ilikehertoo,Gran.”
Cuppingmycheek,shesays,“Areyouokay?Iknowyoucanself-sabotagewhenthingsaregood.”
“Idon’tself-sabotage.”
“Youdo,dear.Whenyougotyourfirstrecorddeal,youstarteddoingdrugs.WhenyouhittheBillboard,youdecidedtotestyourluckonyourbikeandgotinahugeaccidentthatcouldhaveendedyourlife.Withyourfirststadiumtour,youdecidedtodrownyourdaysinalcoholbecauseyourfameskyrocketed.You’vefoundawaytodrown,numb,andtampdownyoursuccess.Hattieisasuccess,andIdon’twantyoutodothesamething.”
Wow,frominsanepregnancytodyingtalktothis.LeaveittoGrantobeabletobringintheserioustoneswhenneeded.
IrollmyteethovermybottomlipasIglanceoveratHattie.She’stwirlingaroundwithMacoutonthelawn,blowingbubbles.“Inthebackofmymind,IdofearImightfuckitup.”
Granforcesmetolookather.“Don’tputthatfearinyourhead.Youarerightforher.Youdeserveher.”
“DoI?”Iasksoftly.“TheonlyloveI’vetrulyhadinthisworldisyours.IwasraisedtothinkIwasn’timportantenough,goodenough.You’retheonlyonewhohaslovedme.”
“Forgoodreason.”Shegripsmycheektighter.“Becauseyoubringlighttothisworld,Hayes.Idon’tcarewhatyourfathersaidtoyouonhiswayoutthedoor.Idon’tcarewhatyourmothersaidtoyouwhenyouwereseekingoutherunnecessaryapproval.Youdeservetheworld,Hayes.Youdeservethegood.Youdeservethelove.HattieiseverythingIcouldaskforyou.Recognizethatandholdontoit.”
Inod.“I’mgoingto,Gran.”
Shesoftlysmilesandstrokesmycheek.“She’ssobeautiful.Witty.Shejokedrightalongwithme.AndIcanseethewayyoulookather.Youloveher,don’tyou?”
Idon’tevenhavetothinkaboutitasIsay,“Ido.Ithappenedquick,butIloveher.”
“Haveyoutoldher?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.It’stoosoon.”
“It’snevertoosoontotellsomeonehowyoufeel.It’ssomethingIshouldhavedonealotsoonerwhenItookyouintomyhome.”Hereyessoften.IswearI’veneverseenGranlikethis.Notsureifit’sthefreshair,orherseeingmewithHattie,butherdemeanorhascompletelychanged.“I’msoproudofyou,Hayes.Everythingyou’vedone,everythingyou’vegonethrough.I’mveryproudofyou.”
Well…Jesus.
“Thanks,Gran,”Isay,feelingweirdthatwe’rehavingaheart-to-heartinthemiddleofaFiveSixSevenEightevent.
“Now,gohavefun.IwanttosithereinsilenceasIcontemplatetherestofmytimeonthisearth.”
Annnndshe’sback.
Ileanoverandpressakisstohercheekbeforestandingandheadingovertothebarforadrink.
Inodatthebartender.“DietCoke,please.”
“NotputtinganythinginthatDietCoke?”avoicesaysfromthesideofme.IglancetotherightandfindAbelandRylandwithdrinksintheirhands.
“Doyouhavesomethinginyourdrinks?”Iaskthem.
Theybothnodandbringtheirglassestotheirlipsatthesametime.
IturnbacktothebartenderandIdon’thavetosayanything,hejustnodsandsays,“Igotyou,man.”
“Thanks.”Ireachintomywalletandpulloutatwenty.Islipitacrossthebarashehandsmemydrink,thenIjointheboys…somethingIdidn’tthinkI’deverdo…again.
“Ididn’tthinkyouguyswenttotheseevents,”Isayaswestepofftotheside.
“Macwantedtocome,”Rylandsays.“IforcedAubreewhoforcedHattie,whoI’massumingforcedyou.”
“Yup.ButthenIinvitedGranbecausesheneedsfreshair.”
“AndIhaveseriousFOMO,sothat’swhyI’mhere,”Abelsays.
“Sobasically,wecanblamethisallonMac,”Rylandadds.“Although,Etheldidcornerustheotherdayandtoldhertherewouldbecottoncandyandcarnivalgames.OfcourseMacbeggedtocome,soinreality,thisisEthel’sfault.”
“It’sthewholeSociety’sfault,”Abelsays.“Meredith,mynurse,overheardDeeDeeandKeeshatalkingaboutafriendtheyknowwhoworksatLovemark.”
“Theromancechannel?”Iask.
Abelnods.“TheywanttobringbusinesstoAlmondBay,havesomemoviesmadehere.Apparently,asmalltowninMaine,Portsomethingorother,hastrulymadeanameforitselffromsomeofthemoviesthathavetakenplacethere.AndyouknowthePeachSocietywilldoanythingtomakesureAlmondBayremainsapopulartouristdestination.Soputtingonmoreeventslikethisissomethingthey’llcontinue.Andpressuringthecommunitytojoinispartofit.”
“Wow,andherewethoughtEthelwasjusttryingtobringthetowntogetherforafunevent,”Isay,shakingmyhead.“There’salwaysmotivebehindeverything.”
“Idon’tknow.”Abelshrugs.“Couldbekindofcool.Maybewecouldbeextrasinsomeofthoseromancemovies.”
“HayesFarrowasanextrainaLovemarkmovie,nowthat’ssomethingIhavetosee,”Rylandsays.
“Whyisthatsofunnytoyou?”Iask.“Don’tIlookliketheLovemarkkindofguy?Maybeit’swhatIneedformyactingcareertolaunch.JenniferLopezhadtostartsomewhere,somaybethisiswhereIstart.”
“Nah,youalreadystartedwiththoseshirtlessfragrancecommercials,”Rylandsayswithateasingsmirk.
“Forsomeonewho’shatedmeforthepastdecade,yousureknowalotaboutme.”
Hechuckles.“Hardtoavoidyouthesedays.Ifit’snotyourmusicontheradio,ormystudentstalkingaboutyou,it’sthefragrancecommercialsontheTV,orthementionofyouintown.Prettyhardtoavoid.”
Abelrocksonhisheels.“Ithinkhe’ssecretlybeenharboringfeelingsforyou.Everyonesaysthere’sathinlinebetweenloveandhate.”
“We’renoteventextacquaintancesyet,”Rylandsays.“There’snofuckinglove.”
“Notyet.”Itipmyglasstowardhimjustasmyphonebuzzesinmypocket
“He’seasytowinover,”Abelsays.“JustbringhimsomedonutsfromTheSweetLab,andhe’ssold,”AbeladdsasIpullmyphoneoutofmypocketandseethatit’satextfromHattie.
“Istoppedeatingthedonuts,”Rylandsaysashepatshisstomach.“Pantswerestartingtogettight.”
“Saystheguywiththeeight-pack,”Abelscoffs.
Iglanceatthetextandreaditjustincaseshewaslookingforanything.
Hattie:Youlooksohotrightnow.Iwantyourcockinmymouth.
InearlychokeonmydrinkasIquicklyturnmyphonedown,terrifiedthatAbelorRylandmighthaveseenthat.
“Youokay?”RylandasksasIcoughoutmyrumandDietCoke.
“Yup,”Isayinahigh-pitched,I’mactuallynotokaytone.
“Yousure?”Abelasks.
Inodasmyphonebuzzesagain.
“Allgood.Justswallowedwrong.”
“IoncesnortedDietCoke,andIswearitstungforaweek,”Abelsays.
“WhywereyousnortingDietCoke?”Rylandasks.
“Notlike…snortingsnorting,”AbelsaysasIglancedownatmyphone.
Hattie:Iwantyoutocomedownmythroat…I’mthirsty.
Jesus.
Fucking.
Christ.
Iglanceupatwhereshe’ssittinginalawnchairwatchingAubreeandMacplayabeanbagtossinggame.Whenhereyescatchmine,shemischievouslysmiles.
Withonehand,Itextherback.
Hayes:Knockitoff.Yourbrotherisliketwofeetaway.
“Youstilllikebaseball,right?”Abelasks,elbowingme.
“Huh?”Ilookup.HowdidwegofromsnortingDietCoketobaseball?“Oh,uh,yeah.Haven’tbeenfollowingittoomuch.Why?”
“CoachDisikfromBrentwoodiscomingtooneofRyland’sgames.He’sinterestedinafewofhisplayers.”
“Ohshit,really?”Iask.“That’stheschoolKnoxGentrywentto,right?”
Myphonebuzzes.
MotherofGod.
“AndCarsonStone,”Rylandadds.“Yeah,I’mprettyexcited.We’vebuilttheprogramtothepointwe’renowgainingnationalattention.Ihavealeft-handeronthemoundthatDisikreallyloves.”
“Wow,that’samazing,”Isay,myphonebuzzingagain.
“Lookatyoutwo,”Abelsays,glancingbetweenus.“It’slike…we’refamilyalloveragain.Justlikeoldtimes.”
“Onlyafewmorewrinkles,”Rylandsays.
“Speakforyourself,”Abelreplies.“Ihaveasolidskincareroutinethatkeepsmeyoung.”
Buzz.
Christ.
Ipeekatmyphone.
Hattie:I’mwetjustthinkingaboutswirlingmytonguearoundthetipofyourcock.Uncomfortablywet.
Hattie:Meetmeinthebathroomnexttotheregistrationdesk.KnockthreetimessoIknowit’syou.
Iglanceupfrommyphonetowhereshewassitting,butshe’snolongerthere.
Shit.
“Maybewecanhaveasleepoversometime,”Abelsays,pullingmyattentionagain.
“What?”Iask.
Heshrugs.“Asleepover.Don’tyouthinkthatwouldbefun?”
“We’reinourfuckingthirties,”Rylandsays.“Grown-assmendon’thavesleepovers.”
“Iftentsareinvolved,theysuredo.”Abelsipshisdrink.“Youcan’ttellmeacampingtripisn’tjustagrownman’sversionofhavingasleepover.”
“Youwanttogoonacampingtrip?”Iask.
“Wouldn’thurtforustospendmoretimetogethernowthatyoutwoaretalkingtoeachother.Also,itwouldn’thurtyoutwotobuymesomething.I’mlookingforanewtent.”
“Whythehellwouldwebuyyousomething?”Rylandasks.
“Isn’titobvious?”Abelasks,myphonebuzzinginmyhand.“I’vedealtwithbothofyouforthepastdecade,andI’vehandleditwithgrace.Soyeah,youtwoowemesomething.Ilikebluetents.”
“Jesus,”RylandmuttersasIglanceatmyphone.Thistime,it’sapicture.
Holy.
Fuck.
IswallowhardasIstareatitforasecondtoolong,Hattie’sbaretitsonfulldisplay.
Hersmallnipplesarehardandpointed,herhanddraggingdownhercleavage,hertonguewettingherlips.
That’sallittakesformetogohardrightinfrontofhergoddamnbrother.
“Whatareyoulookingat?”Abelasks,startingtoleanover.
“Nothing!”Ipracticallyyell,sweatformingonmylowerbackasIslidemyphoneinmypocket.“Nothing.”InervouslylaughasAbelandRylandexchangeconfusedglances.
Jesus,didAbelseeher?
Cantheyseemybulge?
CantheytellthatI’msweating?
“Youokay?”Abelasks.
“Fine,yeah,great.”Itakeahugegulpofmydrink,tryingtowillmyerectiontofuckingsettledown,butitfeelslikeanimpossiblefeatwithHattie’stitsbrandedinmybrain.
“Youdon’tlookfine,”Rylandsaysasmyphonebuzzesagain.Ihaveafeelingit’llkeepbuzzinguntilIshowupinthebathroom.
“Actually,I,uh,Ihavetotakealeak.”IpatAbelontheshoulder.“Goodluckwiththetentandall;notsureyouearnedit.”
“ThefuckIdidn’t,”hesays.
Rylandasks,“Whendidyoustartcamping?”
Perfect,Igotthemtalkingaboutsomethingotherthanmyawkwardexit.
FuckingHattie,she’sgoingtobeinsomuchtrouble.
Isetmydrinkdownonthebar,andwithahalfhard-on,Imakemywayintotheinn,pasttheregistrationdesk,andstraighttothesinglebathroom,whereIknockthreetimes.
Ihavenointentionofgettingmydicksuckedatatowneventwhereanyonecouldhearus,butIdointendtotellHattiewhatshecanandcannottextmewhileI’mtalkingtoherbrother.
Thedooropens,andIpushthrough,onlyforthedoortobeslammedandlockedbehindme.WhenIglimpseHattienakedexceptforathinthongthatwrapsaroundherhips,mymouthgoesdry.
Okay,uh,whatwasIgoingtosaytoher?
Shepushesmeupagainstthebathroomcounter,andherhandsfalltothezipperofmyjeans.
“Hattie,whatareyou—”
“IwasseriouswhenIsaidIwasthirsty.”
Andthenshepushesmyjeansandbriefsdownatthesametime,releasingmycock.Shekneelsinfrontofme,andshehasmeinherhands,massagingmetomyfulllengthbeforeIcanblink.
Youshouldstopher.
Youweresupposedtolectureher.
ButJesus…thewayshe’spumpingme…
Igripthecounterbehindmeandholdonashermouthmovesbetweenmylegs.Shekissesmyballs,lightlylickingthem,thensuckingthemintohermouth.
“Jesus,Hattie,”Igrowlout.NowayI’mfuckingstoppinghernow.
Herhandsrunupmycock,moveoverthetip,andthenbackdownagainwhereshepositionsmeathermouth.Withoutgivingmeasecondtocatchmybreath,shebringsmeallthewaytothebackofherthroatandswallows.That’sthemomentwhenIloseallsense.Sheplacesbothhandsonmyhipsandmoveshermouthovermylength.Takingmeallthewayin,shethensmoothesherlipsoverthetipwhenshegetstotheend.It’ssuchadelicious,toe-curlingsensation.I’mquicklygettinglostinthewarmthofhermouthandforgettingeverythingelse.
Istaredownather,hercheekshollowingoutasshesucks,hersexytitsbobbingwithhermovement,herpuckerednipplesneedingmyattention.Icuphercheekandwatchasshetakesmefarther,gaggingbeforeshepullsaway,andJesusChrist,thatfeelssogood.
“Again,baby,”Isay,andshedoes
Shetakesmeallthewaybackuntilshegags,anditsendsashiverofpleasuredownmylegs.
“Again.”
Shepullsmeintight,hertonguerunningalongthebottomofmycock,andwhenshegagsthistime,Ifeelmyballstighten.
“Close,”Imutterasmymindswirlswitheuphoria,mymusclescontractingasmybodypreparesforwhat’stocome.
Hermouthpullstothetip,andherhandfindsmylength,whereshestartspumpingmehard,herlipsonlysuckingtheveryendofmycock.
Andshesuckshard,herlipspulling,tugging,fuckingowningme.
“Fuck,baby,”IgroanasIholdontightlytothecounter.
Shesucks.
Shetugs.
Shesucks…
Andwithherlasttug,Istillasaferociousorgasmripsthroughme,bucklingmeforwardasIholdbackmymoan,mychestandforearmmusclesflexingasItrytocontrolmyselfdespitemydickconvulsinginhermouth.
“Fuckinghell,”IsayasItrytocatchmybreathwhileshelicksmeclean.
Whendone,shestandsandpressesakisstomyjaw.“Thankyou,”shewhispersbeforeshepicksupherdresshangingfromahookonthebackofthedoorandslipsiton.
“Wh-whatareyoudoing?”Iask,feelinglikeshejustsuckedthelifeoutofme.
“ItoldMacI’ddotheping-pongtosswithher.TryingtowinherafishRylandwillhavetotakecareofaswell.”Shehasanevilgrinonherlipsassheattemptstomovepastme,butIstopherwithahandtoherstomach.
“Yousaidyouwerewet,”Isay.
“Yes,Itookcareofitbeforeyougothere.”
“What?”Iask,myeyesflashingtohers.
“Iwasreallyhorny,andyoutooktoolong.IcameinsecondsjustthinkingabouthowI’dsuckyouoff.”
Myeyesnarrow.“Youtouchedyourselfwithoutme?”
Shepatsmychest.“Nexttime,don’ttakesolong.”
Thatdoesn’tfuckingsettlewellwithme.
Sure,Iwashesitant,butIdon’teverwanthercomingwithoutme.
Idon’tlethermoveasIlowermylipstoherear.“Idon’tfuckinglikethat,”Igrowl.
Hereyesmeetmine.“Well,Idon’tlikethatyoutooksolong.”
“YouweresextingmewhenIwastalkingtoyourbrother.WhatthehellwasIsupposedtodo?”
Herfingersdancealongmychest.“Forgetmybrotherandfuckme.”
Jesus,thiswoman.
Inadeep,torturedvoice,Isay,“Don’tdothatagain,youhearme?”
“Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?”sheasks,testingme.
Iliftherchinandsay,“Punishyou.”
“Isthatsupposedtoscareme?”
“WhenItieyouupandedgeyouallnight,neverlettingyoucome,yeah,thatshouldscareyou.”Imovemyhandbetweenherlegsandcupher.“Thisismypussy.Noonetouchesit,notevenyou.Ifyouwanttocome,youaskme.Don’tevertakeyourpleasurewithoutmeagain.Understood?”
Herheatedeyesstaylockedonmineasshesays,“Understood.”
Shemovesagain,butIstopher.“Andtonight,you’llcometomyplaceandsitonmyfaceuntilyouscreammyname.Gotit?”
There’sahitchinherbreathasshenods.
“Good.”Ileandownandkisshergentlyonthelips.“Thankyoufortheorgasm,baby,butdon’tmakemehardinfrontofyourbrothernexttime.”
“Butthatwasthefunpart.”
“You’reevil,”Isayasshechucklesandexitsthebathroom.Ifollowher,andwhennooneisaroundtoseeuswalkouttogether,Ilinkmyhandwithhersandbringherknucklesuptomylips.Ipressalightkisstoherhand,andshesmilesupatme.
Thatsmile.
Thoseeyes.
Fuckme…I’msoinlovewiththiswoman.
“Youdeservetheworld,Hayes.Youdeservethegood.Youdeservethelove.HattieiseverythingIcouldaskforyou.Recognizethatandholdontoit.”
Ihearyou,Gran.
AndI’llmakesureIdoeverythinginmypowertokeepherasmine.ChapterTwenty-Two
HATTIE
Maggie:That’sit.I’mtakingavacation.
Hattie:Whathappenednow?
Maggie:Thefatherofthebridekickedthemotherofthebrideintheactualcrotch!Likeshinytuxedoshoestraighttothevag.
Hattie:What?Why?
Maggie:Oh,youknow,rottendivorce.Theywereoutonthedancefloor,andheclaimedkickingwashowhedanced,buthejusthappenedtopegherbetweenthelegs,bucklingherover.Badmovewearingapantsuit.Menclaimwomendon’thaveitbadwhengettingkickedinthecrotch,butIbegtodiffer.Isawthepainonthatwoman’sface,andit’snowburieddeepinmysoul.Theonlywaytoreleaseitisavacation.
Hattie:Wow,that’squitethewedding.Whathappenedafter?
Maggie:I,ofcourse,hadtotakecareoffatherdearestandescorthimaway.Claimedheneedediceforhisfootfromthechastitybelttheoldhagwears—hiswords,notmine.Ispenttherestofthenightbabysittingthemsotherewasn’tanyretaliation.Thegroomtippedmeonethousanddollarsformytroubles,andI’minvestingthatmoneyintoavacation.
Hattie:Ithinkthat’ssmart.Youworksohard
Maggie:Ido.Andyouknowwhat?I’mgoingtogosomewherewarm.SomewherewherethemenwearSpeedosandmaybe…maybeevenanakedbeachwhereIcanhidebehindapalmleafandjuststareatallthewillieswalkingabout.Ican’ttellyouthelasttimeIactuallysawapenisinreallife.
Hattie:Avacationflingdoesn’tsoundlikeyou.
Maggie:Itdoesn’t,butIthinkIneedachange.Thebusinessisthriving.I’mexhausted,andthebeachiscallingmyname.Canyouhearit?Maggie…Maggie…cometous.
Hattie:Haveyougottenenoughsleeplately?
Maggie:No,canyoutell?
Hattie:Justalittle.
Maggie:Soon,whenI’monvacation.Iwillgetsomuchsleep.Haveyougottenmuchsleep,orhaveyoujustbeenlivingitupwithallthesex?
Hattie:LOL.I’vegottensleep.
Maggie:Shocking!
Hattie:Ihavemyperiod,soit’sallbeenputonabreakrightnow.
Maggie:Youknow,somepeoplestilldoitwhilethey’reontheirperiod.
Hattie:Andmorepowertothemifthat’stheirthing,butIfeelsogrossandbloatedthatthelastthingIneedrightnowisforHayestostripmedowntonothing
Maggie:I’dlethimstripmedownifIwassufferingfromfoodpoisoning.Nothingwouldstopme.
Hattie:WhatdidIsayaboutyourcreepynarrativeaboutmyboyfriend?
Maggie:I’malostsoul.There’snofixingme
Hattie:Youknow,yourvacationcouldalwaysconsistofvisitingme.
Maggie:Andwatchyoubealllovey-doveywithyourhot-as-shit,famousboyfriendwhohasthevoiceofagod?Yeah,IthinkI’llpass.Letmehavemyislandfling,andthenI’llcomevisityou.Can’tpromiseifIvisityoufirst,Iwon’taccidentallyhavemyboobfalloutrightintoHayes’shand,andIthinkthatwouldbeuncomfortableforallofus.
Hattie:Fine,butafteryouhaveyourfling,youcomevisit.
Maggie:Deal.Sohaveyoufiguredoutwhatyou’redoingwithyourjobandeverything?
Hattie:Notreally.AubreeandRylandwanttotalkwithmesoon,though.Theywanttogooversomethings.
Maggie:AreyoustillworkingforHayes?
Hattie:Yes,sortof.ThelasttwodayssinceI’vehadmyperiodhavebeenveryproductive.I’vecleanedupallofmypiles,andI’vebeenabletogetthroughalotandevenstraightenuphisoffice.Butobviously,Idon’twanttodothisforever.
Maggie:Iwouldn’tbemadifyoucamebacktoSanFranciscointhefall.
Hattie:Iknow,butIjustdon’twanttodoit,Mags.Ithinkgoingformymaster’swasamistake.IshouldhavejuststayedinAlmondBaywithCassidy.IkeepwonderingwhatmylifewouldbelikeifIhadn’tgoneontoearnmymaster’sdegree.
Maggie:Youwouldn’tbewithHayes,that’sforsure.You’dprobablystillbewithMatt.Yuck.
Hattie:Hewasn’tTHATbad.
Maggie:AllIhavetosayisclit.Hedidn’tknowwhereyourclitwas.
Hattie:Hayessuredoes.
Maggie:Ugh,Ihateyou.Thinkhewouldknowwheremyclitis?
Hattie:MAGGIE!
Maggie:Iknow,sorry.Jesus,Ireallyneedtobookthattrip.
Hattie:Please!Forthesakeofbothofus.
Maggie:Onit.LetmeknowwhatAubreeandRylandwant.Iwanttohearallaboutit.
Hattie:Okay.Talktoyoulater.
***
“Youokay?”HayesasksasI’mcurledonhiscouch.
He’sbeeninhisstudioallday,finessingoneofthesongshewroteaboutme.It’scalledElectricSunshine.Heplayedalittleforme,andlet’sjustsay,itendedwithmeonhislap,naked.Itwassogood.Heartfelt,sexy,edgy.EverythingaHayesFarrowsongis.
Ihavenodoubtit’llbeanumber-onehitforhim,especiallythechoruswiththeraspinhisvoice.Ugh,it’ssogood.
Igriponeofhisthrowpillowsandsay,“Justbreathingthroughsomecramps.I’llbefineshortly.”
Hisbrowcreases.“Howlonghaveyoubeenlikethis?”
“Twentyminutes?TheIbuprofenshouldkickinsoon.”
“Hattie,”hesayssoftlyashecomesupbehindmeandcurlshischesttomyback,pullingmeintight.“Youneedtotellmewhenyou’rehurting.”
“Iwasn’tgoingtobotheryouovercramps.You’remakingsuchgoodprogress.”
“Thatwouldn’tbotherme,”hesaysashishandfindsmylowerabdomen,andheholdsmegently.“Iwanttotakecareofyou.”
“Seriously,it’snotabigdeal.”
“Itistome,”hesays,kissingmycheek.“Everythingthathappenstoyoumatterstome.”
Thepastfewweekssincewe’vebeentogetherhavemademerealizeonebigthing.Thedifferencebetweendatingamanolderthanmeratherthanamanmyageisastounding.WhereasMattwasmoreabouthavingfun,Hayesisdeeplyintimateineveryaspectofourrelationship,notjustthebedroom.Andsure,thereareprobablymenmyagewhoaremorematurethan,let’ssay,someonelikeMatt,butHayesissodifferent.
He’sattentive.
Helistens.
Hecaresmoreaboutwhat’sgoingoninmylifethanwhatvideogamelevelhe’son.
He’smature,sexy,skilled…
Andmomentslikethis,whenhetreatsmewithsuchcare,solidifythethoughtI’vebeenharboringforawhilenow
Ilovehim.
There’snoquestionaboutit.Ilovehim,andI’mwaitingforamomenttosayit.WhenIthinkhe’llbeready.Idon’twanttocomeoffclingyandscarehim.
“CanIgetyouanything?”heasks.
Ishakemyhead.“No.Juststayherewithme.”
“That’snotaproblem,”hewhispersashisheadsnugglesintomyhair.
Westaythereforawhile,hishandholdingmegently,helpingwithmycramps,andwhentheyfinallystarttoabate,Isay,“Idon’tknowifyouknowthis,butmybirthdayisthisweek.”
Ifeelhimstiffenbehindmeandthenlift.“Itis?”
“Itis.Iwasn’tsureifRylandorAubreetoldyou,butIdidn’twantyounottoknowandthenbeupsetaboutit.”
“Iwouldhavebeenlividifyoudidn’ttellme.”Heliftsmeupandgentlybringsmetohislap.Herestsapillowbehindme,andIleanagainstthatforsupportwhilehestrokesmythighwithhisthumb.
“Iknow.Anddon’tthinkyouhavetodoanythingspecial—”
“IalreadyknowwhatI’mgoingtodo.”
“Really?”Iask,stunned.
Henods.“I’vebeenplanningaspecialdayforusforawhile,andI’vebeentryingtothinkofagoodtimetodoit.Thisgivesmetheperfectopportunity.”
“That’sreallysweet,”IsayasIcurlincloser.
“Youdeserveit.”
Ilookupdreamilyathim.“YouweresuchanassholetomewhenIfirstcameuptoyourhouse,andlookatyounow,spoilingme.”
Heletsoutadeepchuckle.“Denialwillmakeyoudostupidthings.”
“Well,I’mgladyou’renolongerindenial.”
“Metoo,”hesaysasheleansdownandpressesakisstomyforehead.
***
Maggie:HAPPYBIRTHDAY!IwishIwastheretocelebrate.I’mgoingtocalllaterwhenI’mnotinthechurch,listeningtoapriesttellthebrideandgroomaboutwhatitmeanstobebondedforlife.
Hattie:Areyoutextingwhileinchurch?
Maggie:Neverclaimedtobeasaint.
Hattie:Morelikeasinner.
Maggie:Listen,IwishIwasasinneratthispoint.WhatIwouldn’tgiveforalittlerompintheconfessional.Iwouldeasilyconfessmysinsforanorgasm.
Hattie:LOL.Weneedtofindyouaman.
Maggie:Vacationfling,it’shappening.MeandMr.Speedo.I’mgoingtoenjoysnappingthatfabricagainsthisthickmanthigh.
Hattie:I’mfrothinginanticipation.
Maggie:Ibetyouare!Sowhatareyoudoingtoday?Isentyouapackage.Itshouldgettoyoutodayortomorrow.
Hattie:Actually,I’mfinishingupmymakeup.GoingtoHayes’splacetoday.Hesaidhehassomethingspecialplanned.
Maggie:Whydidn’tyoustayathisplace?
Hattie:WehadaminicelebrationlastnightformybirthdaywithMac.Ijuststayedatmyplacelastnight,butHayeswasn’thappyaboutit.
Maggie:Ibet.Themanispossessive.Soyouheadedtohisplacesoon?
Hattie:Yup.Noideawhathehasplanned,buthesaiditwouldbeepic.Weshallsee.
Maggie:Keepmeposted.Iwanttoknoweveryfinedetail.
Hattie:Iwill.
Maggie:Andhappybirthday,mybestestfriend.Iloveyouandcan’twaittoseeyouagain.
Hattie:Loveyou,too.
***
IpulluptothefrontofHayes’shouseandspothimsittinginoneoftheAdirondackchairsonhisporch.Ismiletomyself,rememberingthefirsttimeIsawhiminthatchair.Hestartledmetomyverycore.Thistime,though,seeinghimtherejustmakesmeexitmycarquicker
Notsurewhathehasplannedfortheday,soIchoseasimplepairofjeanshortsandanavy-bluesleevelessblousethat’ssupercomfortablebutalsoveryflattering.Ileftmyhairwavyandpinnedithalfupsoitwasoutofmyface.
AsIapproach,Hayesstands,wearingapairofwornblackjeansandoneofhissignaturegrayV-neckT-shirts.Heskippedthehattoday,optingtostylehishair.HelookssoincrediblethatIhopewhateverhehasplannedfortodayincludesmepullinghisclothesoffhim.
“Happybirthday,”hesayssoftlyashepullsmeinbythewaistandplacesakissonthetopofmyhead.“Howareyou,baby?”
Iinwardlysmileandrestmyheadagainsthischestasheholdsmetight.“Betternow.”
“Iwishyou’dstayedherelastnight.”
“Iknow,butitwaslate.”
“AsifI’dcare.Ididn’tsleepanywaywithyougone.”Hekissesthetopofmyheadagainandthenloopshishandwithmine,tuggingmetowardhishouse.
WhenIwalkin,Iimmediatelysmellthebaconhe’sbeencookingaswellastheeggs.ThenmyeyesspotthebakeryboxfromTheSweetLab.Nexttotheboxisavaseofflowersandacard.
“Isthatforme?”Iask,knowingverywellthatitis.
“Whatdoyouthink?”heasks,leadingmetotheisland,wherehehasmesitononeofthestools.Handsonmyshoulders,heleansdownandpressesakisstomyneck.“Openthecard.”
HemovesaroundtotheothersideoftheislandwhileItakethecardinhandandslidemyfingerunderthesealedflap.Ipopitopenandpulloutasimplecardwithanalmondonthefront.IchuckleknowinghegotthisfromTheAlmondStore.
Iopenthecard,andontheinside,he’stakenupnearlythewholepagewithanotetome.Ilookupathim,andheleansdownonthecounter,handsinfrontofhim,andnodsformetoreadit.
Hattie,
Icanrememberthemomentsbeforeyouwalkedintomylife.
Dark.
Dreary.
Iwaslost.
Iwasstuckinarut,goingfromcitytocitybutneverfeelinganything.I’dspendhoursinmydressingrooms,staringupattheceiling,notathoughtrunningthroughmymind,barelyapulsetokeepmemoving.Ifeltso…numb.
AndthenIcamehometoAlmondBaywhereyousteppedintomylife,replacingthatnumbnesswithlight.Hope.Asyouknow,atfirst,Ididn’trespondwelltoyourlight,tohowyourpresenceinmyhomeresurrectedsomethingdeeplylackingwithinme.Butyoubroughthumor.Youbroughtjoybackintomyverymundanelife.
Yourelectricsunshine…itconsumedme,andnowthatIcancallyoumine,IknowI’llneverbeabletogobacktoaworldwhereyou’renotinit.
LookupatmebecauseIhavesomethingtosaytoyou…
Tearswellinginmyeyes,IlowerthecardandlookatHayes.Hiseyesaresosincere,hisexpressionsoftandhandsome,thosesteelyeyesmakingmefeelweak.
“Iloveyou,baby,”hesays,stealingthebreathrightfrommylungs.
Islowlylowerthecardtotheisland,myhearthammering.Iwasn’tsurehewasthereyet.Iwasn’tevensurehe’dsaythosethreelittlewordsanytimesoon.
“AndIdon’texpectyoutosayanythinginreturn,”hecontinues,“butIcouldn’tgoanotherdaywithouttellingyouhowmuchIcareforyou,howmuchyoumeantome,andIfiguredtodaywouldbethebestwaytodothat.”
“Hayes,”Ibarelysayaboveawhisper,mythroatchokedupfromtheelation,thesurprise,thereliefflyingthroughme.Ireachforhishand,andheoffersittome.“Iloveyou,too.”Asmilebreaksoutovermylips,andIrepeat,“Iloveyousomuch.”
Hisshouldersrelax,andthesexiestsmirkpassesoverhislips.“Christ,thatfeelsgoodtohearthat.”Hesighs.“AndthisisexactlywhyIputanislandbetweenusbecauseIdesperatelywanttoshowyoujusthowmuchIloveyou.”Hiseyesarefullofinnuendo.
“Showme,”Isay.
Heshakeshishead.“Notnow,baby.Tonight.”Butheroundstheislandandcomesuptome.Hegripsmyface,andhisthumbpressesundermychin,anglingmyheadupforhim.Heleansdownandplacesasoftkissonmylips.“Fuck,Iloveyou.”
Myfingerslacethroughhisbeltloop,holdinghimclose.“Iloveyou,too.”
Hesighsandrubshisnoseagainstmine.“Hearingyousaythatislikeasinricochetingthroughme,likeIshouldn’tbehearingsuchsweetwordsfromyourlips,butfuckwillIholdontothem.”
“Youdeservethem,Hayes.Youdeserveeverythingwecangivetoeachother.”
Islipmyhandsunderhisshirt,andhefreezes.
“Hattie…”
“What?”Iask,myfingersbrushingoverhisabs.
“Isaidtonight.”
“Andit’smybirthday,soIsaynow.”Iliftmyhands,takinghisshirtwiththem,andhegroanswhilelettingmetakeitoff.Itossittothesideandleanin,pressingsoftkissestohischest.
“Breakfastisgoingtobecold.”
“It’sinawarmer,”IsayasImovemyhandsuptohisthickpecs.“Iwanttofeelyou,Hayes.Iwantyouto…makelovetome.”
Groaning,heliftsmeupbytheass.Iwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist,andtogether,hewalksusdownthehallwaytohisbedroom,whereheplacesmegentlyonhisbed.Eyesonmetheentiretime,heundoeshispantsandpushesthemdownalongwithhisboxerbriefs.Hisdeliciouscockspringsforward,andIfeelmymouthwaterfromthesightofhim
Whileheslowlystrokeshimself,Iliftandpeelmyshirtoffandpushmyshortsdown,leavingmeinjustmythongandbra.That’swhenheleansdownonthebed,hoveringoverme,andgripsmycheekbeforepressinghislipstomine.
Softandsure,there’snoquestionthismanwantsmeandlovesme.Icanseeitinhiseyes,inthewayhetouchesme,holdsme…kissesme.
Hegentlytugsmybrastrapdownmyarmrightbeforetrailingkissesalongmychest,allthewaytotheotherstrap.Hetugsthatdownaswell,thethinfabricandthefeelofhisfingerssendingchillsupmyarms.
“You’resobeautiful,”hewhisperswhilehebringshismouthbacktomine.Hislargehandwrapsbehindmyneck,andheliftsmetounsnaptheclaspofmybrawithonehand.Gently,heremovesitfrommybodyanddropsittotheground,thenlaceshisfingersthroughthewaistlineofmythongandpullsitdownmylegs,leavingmebare.
Hiseyesworkovermybody,takingineveryinchofit.Hedragshishandoverhismouth.“I’msolucky.”
“I’mtheluckyone,”Ireplyashescoopsmeupandbringsmetotheheadofthebed,whereIrestonapillow,andhemovesoverme.
Hedragshishanddownmybodybetweenmylegsandrunsafingeralongmyslit,findingthatI’malreadywetforhim.
“Mybabyisready,”hesaysashespreadsmylegs.
“Soready,”Isayashelowersandcapturesmymouthinakiss.Thereisn’tanyurgencybehindhiskisses,justdesire.Likehecan’tgetenoughofmymouth,mytongue,ofourconnection.AndI’mthesameway.Ican’tgetenoughofhim,andIdon’teverwanttobesatisfiedwhenitcomestohim.Iwanttoalwaysyearnforhim.Ican’tthinkofabetterfeeling.
Hishandmovesdownbetweenustogriphiscock.Hegentlyrubsthetipalongmyclitforafewpassesbeforebringinghimselftomyentrance,wherehedeliciouslyentersmeatsuchaslowpacethatIhavetopullawayfromhismouthtocatchmybreath.
Whenhe’sfullyinserted,hedoesn’tmove.Hestaresdownatme,hislighteyesashadedarkerashesays,“Iloveyou,Hattie.”
Ibringmyarmsaroundhisneck.“Iloveyou,too.”
Andthenhestartspulsinginsideme
It’sslow.
It’sthoughtout.
It’severythingIwanttoholdontoandneverletgo.
Hisforeheadconnectswithmineashishipsstarttopickupslightly.
“Nothingwilleverfeelthisgood,”hesays,hishipsthrustingintomine.“Iwantthiswithyou,always.”
Igriphischeek.“Onlywithyou.”
“You’remine,”hewhispers,hisnosetouchingmine.
“Allyours,”Isayashishandfallstomybreast,andhekneadsmynipple,tweakingitjustenoughformybacktoarchoffthemattressandmyorgasmtobuildhigher.“OhGod,Hayes.”
“Mmm,”hegrowlsintomyearandthenliftstopushatmylegs,bringingthemtomychest.“Holdyourkneesandkeepyourlegswide.”
Igripmyknees,andthenexttimehethrustsintome,Ifeelallofhim,everylastinchofhim.
“So…full,”Isayashepicksuphispaceevenmore,hishipsnowflying,hisabsflexingwitheverypulse.
“Jesus,thispussy.Fuckingloveit.”
Hebringshishandtomynippleagain,andwhenhepinchesthenub,Ifeelajoltofpleasurerockthroughme,causingmypussytoclencharoundhim.
“Fuck,”hemumblesashedoesitagain,butthistime,hetimesitwithhisthrustsowhenheburiesintome,mypussyclenchesaroundhim.“Baby,I’mclose.”
Ican’trespondbecause,withthenextthrustandpinchofmynipple,mybodygoesnumb,theroomdarkens,andmyorgasmripsthroughmefasterthanIexpected.
“Hayes…ohfuck!”Iyellasmybodyconvulsesandmypussyconstrictsaroundhim.
“Jesusfuck,”heroarsashisneckmusclesstrain,andhestills,hisorgasmhittinghimjustashard.
Icanfeelhimcomeinsideme,thewayhiscocktwitchesagainstmypussy,andit’sthemostdeliciousfeelingever.
Afterafewmomentsoflettingourbodiessettlefromourorgasms,hereleaseshimselffrommeandlowersmylegstothebed,buthestaysclose,leaningoverme,cuppingmycheekandstaringintomyeyes.
“Weweresupposedtodothattonight.”
“Whatdidyouexpecttohappenwhenyoutoldmeyouloveme?”
Hesmirks.“Idon’tknow,ahugandakissandthenbreakfast?”
Ichuckle.“Yeah,youmiscalculatedthatbyalongshot.”Idragmyfingeroverhisbarechest.“Maybeformybirthday,wecanjuststayhereallday.”
“Asmuchasthatappealstome…”Hesqueezesmyhip.“Ihaveplansforus.”
“Betterthanalldayinbed?”Iwigglemybrows.
Inapainedvoice,hesays,“Youcan’treallycomparethetwo.”
“Thenlet’sstayhere.”Idragmyhandsdownhisstomachtohiswaistline,wherehecapturesmywrist.
“Baby,”hesays,heavingadeepsigh.“Ipromiseyou,whenwegetbackfromourplansfortoday,we’llspendtherestofourtimerighthere.ButIhavesomethingsIwanttodowithyoufirst.”Heplacesakissonmynoseandthenrisesfromthebed.Hescoopsmeinhisarmsandcarriesmetothebathroom,somethingI’vebecomequiteusedtoatthispoint.
Aftertakingcareofbusiness,hehelpsmegetdressed,whichisverysad,andheputshisbriefsandjeansbackonbeforetakingmyhandandleadingmebackintothekitchen,whereheretrieveshisshirtandputsthatbackonaswell.
Yup,allverysad.
IsitattheislandlikeIalwaysdoandcrossmylegs.
“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”hesays.
“Likewhat?”Iask.
“LikeIjusttookyourfavoritetoyaway.”
“Butyoudid.Iloveyourpenis,andIwanttoplaywithit.”
Hechuckles.“Trustme,you’llgetplentyoftimewithittoday,butfirst…”HepushesthepinkSweetLabboxinfrontofme.“Thisisforyou.”
Ipopopenthelid,andawaveofmaplewaftsintheairasIglancedownattwolargemapledonuts.
“OhmyGod,Ilovethese,”Isayjustashepushesaplateofeggsandbacontowardmeaswell.“Doyouknowwhousedtolovethese?”
“Cassidy,”hesays.
“Yes.Andwitheggsandbacon,”Isay,chucklingatthecoincidence.“Andsheusedtopairitwithchocolatemilktoo.”
Hayeswalksovertothefridge,opensthedoor,andpullsouttwoNesquikbottlesofchocolatemilk.
Hesetsitdowninfrontofme,gripsthecounter,andlooksmeintheeyesasIfeelmyheartbeatfaster.
“Howdidyouknowthat?”Iask.
“BecauseIlistentoyou.”
Iglanceattheplate,thedonuts,themilk…
“This…thisisthebreakfastIdescribedwhenItalkedaboutwhatI’ddoformylastdaywithCassidyifIhadone.”
Heslowlynodsandtakesmyhandinhis,squeezingit.Hethengrabsawrappedpresentontheoppositecounterandhandsittome.
“Whatisthis?”Iask.
“SomethingIthoughtyoucouldwear,”hesays.
Pulsebeatingrapidly,myheartinmythroat,Iopenthepresent,andCassidy’soldcardiganthathasnowbeenpatcheduprestsinmyhands.“Butthisis—”
“Aubreesaidyoucouldborrowitfortheday.”
Ilookattheoldcardigan,thelargeembroideredflowerscolorfulagainstthebeigeofthefabric.“Whofixedit?”
“Ifoundsomeonewhocouldhelpbringitbacktolife.LikeIsaid,Aubreeexpectsitback,butfortoday,shesaidit’sallyours.”
TearsfloodmyeyesasIlookupatHayes.“Whatarewedoingtoday?”
“Ifit’sallrightwithyou,Ithoughtwe’deatbreakfasthereandthengotosomeantiquestorestolookforsomestainedanddamagedvintagetablecloths.”Tearsstreamdownmycheeks.“Fromthere,IthoughtwecouldgotoPiecesandPagestopickoutapuzzle,bringitbackhere,andthenwatchthese.”HepullsouttwoBlu-raydiscsfromthedrawerinfrontofhim.
SixteenCandlesandCan’tBuyMeLove
Myhandrisestomymouth.Moretears.
“Hayes,”Isaysoftly.
“It’syourfirstbirthdaywithouther,”hesaysquietly.“Ican’tbringherback,butIcanbringbackhermemory.”
Reachingforhim,Ipullhiminandwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck,clutchinghimtightly.HerunshishandupanddownmybackasIsqueezehim.
IknowforafactMattwouldhaveneverdonesomethinglikethisforme.Hewasn’teverreallythoughtfulanddidn’texpressadeepinterestinmylifeonthislevel.Andthat’sprobablyoneofmanyreasonswhyIwasn’tbrokenwhenMattbrokeupwithme.Thinkingbacktoitnow,I’mfreetodowhatIwantwithmylifewithoutfeelinglikeIwasbeingheldback.
Hayeswouldneverholdmeback.
He’dnevermakemefeellessthanIam.
He’dnevercruellytellmeIwasboringornotentertaining.
Hedoesn’thaveacompassionlessheart.
Andthat’sexactlywhyIlovehim,becauseeventhoughhemightbeclosedoffandquietwhenitcomestohispersonallife,whenhewantstoopenup,hegivesyoueverylastinchofhim,andthat’swhathe’sgivingmenow.
Ireleasehimandpressmyhandtohischest.“ThisisthebestgiftIcouldhaveeveraskedfor.Thankyou.”
“Anythingforyou,”hesaysbeforepressingachastekisstomylips.“Nowlet’seatbreakfastsowecanstartourday.”
“Donutfirst,thenprotein.”Ismirk.
“Youleadtheway,baby.”
***
“Whataboutthisone?”Hayesasks,holdingupawhitetableclothwithstrawberriesalongtheedge.“Itlookslikeithasamustardstainonit.”
Iwalkovertohim,andheholdsoutthetablecloth,showingayellowstainrightnearthecorner,distortingthecolorofoneofthestrawberries.
He’sbeensoadorablewhilegoingfromantiquestoretoantiquestore.He’sbeeninvestedinthesearch,offeringtobuyeverytableclothwe’vecomeacross,butI’vebeenverypicky.JustlikeCassidy.Itcan’tjustbeanytablecloth.Ithastohaveaprinteddesign,itneedstobevintage,anditneedstobemarredinsomeway.We’vecomeacrosssomegorgeousones,butthat’swhattheproblemis—they’vebeenbeautiful,andwedon’twantbeautiful.Wewanttherejects.
Iexaminethestrawberry.“Idon’tknow.Itdoesn’tlookthatbad,likesomeonecouldhidethisedge.”
“Couldtheyhidethegiantbrownmarkinthemiddle?”heasks,showingoffastainthatmakesmequestionwhatendeduponthistablecloth.I’mgoingtosayit’spudding.
“Wow,lookatthat.It’shuge.”
“Exactlywhatyousaidtomethismorning,”Hayesjokes.Igivehimanexasperatedlookthatmakeshimlaughoutloud.“Youwalkedintoit,babe.”
“AndIthoughtyouwerebetterthanthat.”
“Imightbemorematurethanothers,butI’mstillaman.”
“Thatmuchistrue.”Icontinuetoexaminethelargebrownstain.“Youknow,Ithinkthismightbeawinner.Notsureanyonecouldgetoutthatstain.”
“Wouldyoutry?”
Ishakemyhead.“That’spartofthegame—lovingthetableclothforwhatit’sworth.Imean,wouldyoulookatanoldpersonandsay,thewrinklebetweenyoureyesmakesyouhideous,andtherefore,Iwon’tdareassociatewithyou?”
Hisbrowcocksup.“I’mnotsureanyonewouldsaythattoanoldperson.”
“Youneverknow,”IsayasIgatherthetableclothandfolditneatly.“Peoplehaverealproblemswithwrinkles.”
“Idon’tmindwrinkles.”
“Igatheredthat,giventhewrinklesbyyoureyes,oldman.”
Hisbrowsraiseasshockpassesoverhisfeatures,causingmetosmirk.“Excusefuckingme?”
I’mlaughingashewrapshisarmaroundmywaistandpullsmybackintohischest.Speakingcloselytomyear,hesays,“IfIwereanoldman,Iwouldn’thavebeenabletofuckyouthewayIhavethepastfewweeks.”
“Callitlate-termadrenaline.”
“GuessIwon’tbeabletodelivertonightthen,won’twanttowearoutmygeriatrichips.”
“I’msurprisedyoucanwalkwithoutyourcanerightnow,”Isayjustashebitesdownonmyneck,causingmetosqueal.
“Watchit,”hemuttersintomyear.“Youwon’twanttoseemeprovemyvitality.”
“Ohno,”Ideadpan.“Thatwouldbehorrible.”
Hechucklesandkissesmycheek.“Comeon,smart-ass.Let’spurchasethattablecloth.Wehaveonemorestoretohitup.”
“Okay,butifyouneedyourafternoonnap,justletmeknow.”
Hewrapshisarmaroundmyshouldersandpullsmeintohisside.Kissingthetopofmyhead,hewhispers,“You’reinsomuchfuckingtroubletonight.”
***
“Whataboutthisone?”Hayesasks,holdingupagardenlandscapepuzzle.
Mynosecringesathissuggestion.
Well,ateverysuggestionhe’smade
“What’swrongwiththisone?”heasks,visiblyinsultedthatIdon’tlikehispuzzlechoice.
“Nothingaboutitisinteresting,”Isay.
“Whatdoyoumeannothingaboutitisinteresting?”Heglancesatthepictureandthenshowsittomeagain.“Theflowersarevibrant.There’sgrass,abluesky,andlook…apigeon.”
“Ew,wholikespigeons?”
“Peoplelikepigeons,”Hayescounters.
“Noonelikespigeons.Andifsomeonelikesapigeon,theymightneedtorethinktheirchoices.I’dneverassociatemyselfwithapigeonlover.”
“Jesus,that’sharsh,”hesaysashesetsdownthepuzzle.“What’swiththehateonpigeons?”
“IlivedinSanFranciscoformanyyears,andthepigeonsthereareoutofcontrol.Andgetthis,there’sapigeonrescuewherepeopleactuallydonatemoneytosavethem.Who’sderangedenoughtodothat?Thehomelesspeopleneedfood,water,andshelter,andbillionairesdonatetosavethepigeons.Honestly,whatistheworldcomingto?”
Hepicksupanotherpuzzle.“Makingamentalnotenevertobringuppigeonsagain.”Heshowsmethebox.“Whataboutthisone?”
It’sapictureofalibrary,butallthebooksarethesamecolor,makingitoneofthoseimpossiblepuzzlesthatacrazyauntormother-in-lawwouldpurchaseforyouforChristmas,thinkingyou’dlikeit.However,itwasmadepurelytomakethenovicepuzzlerlosetheirmind.
Iproponehandonmyhip.“Hayes,Iloveyou.Youknowthat,right?”
“AsIfoundouttoday,yes.”
“Okay,thenyouneedtoknowthatyourpuzzlechoicesareatrocious,andItrulyhopeyouneverbuymeapuzzle.”
Hesetsthepuzzledownandsighs.“Thentellmewhatyoulookforinapuzzlethatwouldappeaseyou.”
“Well,I’mgladyouasked.”Iturntowardhim.“CassidyandIhavealwayslovedapuzzlewecoulddoinafewhours.Weneverwantedsomethingthatwouldtakeuslongerthanonenight.Itneedstobeeasybutalsobeslightlychallenging.Welikecolorblocking,sowhenyouseparatetheedgepiecesfromthemiddle,youcouldalsoseparatebycolor.Landscapesareokay,buttherecan’tbetoomuchofonething,like…toomuchgrassisstressful.Toomuchsky,etc.Andthepicturehastobeclear,noneofthispixilatedbullshit.Andbonuspointsforawoodenmosaicpuzzle.Thoseareourfavorite.”
“Okay.”Henodsandlooksaround.“Well,IthinkI’mgoingtositthisoneoutandletyoumakethechoice.”
“Smart.”Ipathimontheshoulder.“Givemetwenty,andI’llfindustheperfectpuzzle.”
***
“Youunderstandtheironyinallofthis,right?”Hayesasksashepullsthepuzzleheboughtmeoutofthebag.
“Itoldyou,we’renottalkingaboutit.”
Hesetsthepuzzleonthecounter,lettingmestareatthepicture.
“It’spigeons.”
“Iknow,”Igroan.“Wedon’tneedtokeeptalkingaboutit.ItoldyouIunderstoodtherelevanceofmychoice,andI’mnothappywithmyself,buttheportraitsofpigeonsgottome,andtheonewithapieceofbreadarounditstorsomademechuckle,andIknowitwouldhavemadeCassidychuckle.Solet’sjustmoveonandbehappywefoundapuzzle.”
“Makesmewonderifweshoulddonatetothepigeonsinhonorofyourbirthday.”
Ipointmyfingerathim.“Youwatchyourmouth.It’sbadenoughIhadtoeatmywordsonmybirthday.Irefusetogiveintotheabsurdityofsavingthepigeons.”
Icarrythepuzzletohislargediningroomtablethatcaneasilyaccommodatetwoadultbodieswithoutaproblem.Iknowthisfromexperience.
HayesgrabssomethingfromthefridgewhileIopenupthepuzzlebox,whereI’mpleasedtoseethepiecesinapaperbagratherthanplastic.Ugh,stupidpigeonpuzzlehittingallthemarksforme.Itwasalsomadeofrecycledmaterials.
“Thoughtyoumightwantasnack,”Hayessaysashesetsajarofpicklesinfrontofme.Butnotjustanypickles…THEpickles.
Ilookupathim,thenbackdownatthepickles…andbackupathim.“Wow,yourealizeI’maprettyeasybetwhenitcomestosex,right?Youdon’tneedtobebreakingdowneverywallI’veevererected.”
Hechucklesandpressesakisstomycheek.“Notlookingtogetinyourpants,baby,justlookingtoshowyouhowmuchIloveyou.”
“Anditseemslikealot.”Igripthepicklesandsoftlysay,“Thankyou.Thismeansalottome.”
“Onceagain,anythingforyou.”Hepullsachairclosetome,takesaseat,anddrapesonearmoverthebackofmine.“Now,whatarewedoing?”
“Well,weneedtoputamovieonfirst,thenstartsortingthepieces.”
“Right.”HegetsupandgrabstheBlu-raysfromtheisland.“Whichonefirst?”
“Well,CassidywouldmakeuswatchSixteenCandlesfirst,butI’mthinkingwedoCan’tBuyMeLove.”
“SavingJakeRyanforlast,Igetit.”HewinksatmeasIscoff.
“No,startingthemoviesoffwithabang!PatrickDempseysetsthestandard.”
“I’llbethejudgeofthat.”Heputsthemovieinandpressesplayashewalksbackovertothetable.Theopen-conceptliving,dining,andkitchencombomakespuzzlingandwatchingmoviesideal.Hedrapeshisarmoverthebackofmychairagain,andIhandhimapileofpieces.
“Don’tmissany.We’reinnorush.Nothingmakesmeangrierthanmissinganedgepiece.”
“Whydoesthisseemlikeasportforyoueventhoughyouclaimit’sacasualhobby?”
“IjustknowwhatIlike.You’reluckyI’mevenlettingyouhelpme.”
“ThisisasideofyouI’veneverseenbefore.I’mnotsurehowIfeelaboutit.”
Isortafewedgepiecesintotheedgepile.“Whenyouloveme,youhavetoloveallofme,whichmeanslovingthissideofme.Ineverclaimedtobeperfect.”
“You’refarfromperfect,babe,butthat’soneofthereasonsIcan’tgetenoughofyou.”Heleansinandkissesmyneck,dragginghistonguealongthecolumn,andIswatathim.
“Stopthat.We’repuzzling,andthisisseriousbusiness.Noneofthattonguestuff.”
Hechuckles.“Wow…okay.”
***
“Hattie,”Hayessaysasheleansbackinhischair,lettingmeputtogetherthelastfewpiecesofthepuzzle…afterIslappedhishandaway,tellinghimIcouldhandleitfromhere.“Ihatetotellyouthis,butyoursisterwasright.JakeRyanissuperior.”
Ipauseandturntowardhim.“Whywouldyousaythatonmybirthday?”
Hechuckles.“I’mnotgoingtolietoyou.It’sthetruth.Somethingabouthimjust…makesyoufallinlovewithhim.”
“Ohplease,youjustlikehiscar.”
“Yes,true,butthatsweatervestalsocallstome.AndtheberetPatrickwaswearingwasveryoff-putting.”
“Itwasinbackthen!”Ithrowmyarmsup.“Honestly,howmanytimesdoIhavetotellyouthat?”Ipickupthelastpuzzlepieceandplaceitinthecenter,addingafinishedbowtietoastoicpictureofapigeon.ForGod’ssake,whoevermadethispuzzleneedshelp.“Done,”IsayasIrunmyhandoverthefinishedpuzzle,lovingthesmoothfeelofitundermypalm.“Isn’titbeautiful?”
“Icouldthinkofsomethingmorebeautiful,”Hayessays,bringinghislipstomycheek.
“Cheesymuch?”Iask.
Hegrowlsinmyear.“You’respicytoday.I’mnotsureIlikeit.”
“You’lllikeitlater,”IsayasIslipontohislapandplacemyhandsonhischest,asSixteenCandlesplaysinthebackground.
Hishandsfalltomyhips,andhelazilysmilesupatme.“Whywait?”
“Becauseourpizzaisabouttobehere,”Isay.“AndI’mstarving.”
“Areyouthirsty?BecauseIcouldgiveyousomethingtosuckonuntilthepizzaarrives.”
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”
Hechuckles.“Idon’tknow.IthinkthisiswhathappenstomewhenI’mhappy.”
“Yeah?”Iask,playingwiththecollarofhisshirt.“You’rehappy?”
“Insanelyhappy,”hesays,hishandssmoothingovermythighs.
“Well,Imighthavesomethingthat’llmakeyouevenhappier.”
“What’sthat?”heasks.
“I’mnotgoingtogobacktoschool.”
Hefrowns,hisbrowknittingtogether.“Whywouldthatmakemehappier?”
“BecausethatmeansI’mstayinghere…withyou.”
“Babe,don’tstayherebecauseofme.Whateverhappenswithschool,wecanmakeitwork.It’sjustonesemester.”
“That’sthething,”Isay.“Idon’twanttogoback.NotbecauseofyoubutjustbecauseIdon’tseethepurpose.It’snotwhatIwant.”
“Whatdoyouwant?”heasks,theplayfulnessvanishedfromhisexpressionashelistensintently.
“IwanttobehereinAlmondBay.Iwanttobeclosetomyfamily.Iwanttogrowthoserelationships.Iwanttohelpatthestore…beclosertoyou.”
“YouknowIwanttobenearyou,Hattie.ButIthoughtyoucouldn’thelpwiththestore.”
“Iknow,butIwanttoseeifthere’saworkaround.Imean…howcanittrulybeenforced?”
“Notsure.Ihavealawyerifyouwanthertolookatthewill.Seewhatcanbedone.”Hepausesforamomentandthensays,“ButIwantyoutoknowthatifyouwentbacktoschool,wewouldmakeitwork.”Hiseyesmeetmine.“Idon’twantyoustayingherebecauseyou’reworried,ifthat’sthecase.”
“I’mnotworried,”IsayasIplaywithhisshirt.
“Areyoulyingtome?”heasks.
Ilookupathimandsigh.“Idon’tthinkIam.IknowforsurethatIdon’twanttogobacktoschool.MaggiewastheonlyreasonI’vebeenabletomakeitasfarasIdid,butshe’snoteveninschoolanymore.She’sthrivinganddoingherownthing.Myfamilyishere,doingtheirownthing,andIjustfeellikeI’mdoingsomethingthatdoesn’tmattertome.Whyfinishitifitdoesn’tmatter?”Itakeadeepbreath.“Andthenthere’syou.Wecouldmakeitallwork,butIdon’twanttoleavethisspace.I’mcomfortablehere,andI’vefoundmyselfhere.IfeellikeIknowwhatIwantforthefirsttimeinawhile.AndIwantyou,Hayes.Iwanttobeherewithfamily.IwanttobeclosertoCassidy,andI’mcloserhere.”
“HaveyoutoldRylandandAubreeyet?”
Ishakemyhead.“Notyet.I’mafraidofwhattheymightsay.Idon’twantthemtotellmetogobacktoschool.Ifeellikewe’reinapositionwherewe’rebuildingbackourrelationship,andiftheytellmetoreturntoschool,thatcouldruineverythingwe’vebuilt.”
“Butyouhavetotalktothemaboutit,babe.Especiallyifyouwanttoworkattheshop.Unlessyouwanttocontinueworkingwithme.”Herubsmythighs.“Iwouldn’tmindthatatall.”
“IthinkyouandIbothknowthatcan’thappen.I’vebarelydoneanythingsincewestarteddating.”
“Youbarelydidanythingwhenweweren’tdating,”hesaysinateasingtone.
“Hey!”Ipokehisstomach,causinghimtolaugh.“Itwasaprocess.Youcan’thateontheprocess.”
“Therewasnoprocess.Itwasjustyoutryingtomakemecrazywithallofyourpiles.AndallIhavetosayisgoodjob.Youmademecrazy.”
“Itwasnotthat—”
Ding.
Thedoorbellsounds,andHayesglancesoveratthedoor.“That’sthepizza.”
“ThankGod,becauseI’mstarving.”
Heliftsmeoffhislapandstandsfromthecouch,tuggingonmyhand.
“Grabplates.”
“Or…wecanjustsitontheislandandeatpizzafromthebox.”
Heshakeshisheadashemovestowardthedoor.“Yourealizeyou’retheonlypersonIknowwhoforgoestheislandchairsandchoosesthecounterastheirseat.”
“Good.Iwouldn’twantanyoneelsesittingonyourcounter.I’vemarkedmyterritory.”
“Wemarkedittheothernight,”hesayswithawiggleofhiseyebrows.
Wedid,anditwasoneofthebestorgasmsever.
WhileItakeoutsomenapkins,Hayesopensthedoortograbthepizza.I’msituatingthenapkinsonthecounterwhenIhearhimsay,“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”
Fromthekitchen,Ifindhimstandingstifflyintheentryway,hishandgrippingthedoorhandlewhilehestaresatanolderwomanwearingapairofwornjeansandafadedlong-sleevedT-shirt.Herhairisamixtureofgrayandbrown,pepperedheavieralongherhairline.Deepwrinklescoverherface,especiallyaroundhermouthandhereyes…steely-grayeyes.
“Isthathowyougreetyourmother?”thewomansaysasmyjawfallsopen.
ThisisPamFarrow?
Wow.
I’veneverseenher.I’mnotsureIwasevenbornwhensheleftHayestobewithhisgrandma,andhesureashelldoesn’thaveanypicturesofheraround,butnowthatI’mlookingather,Icanseetheslightresemblance.
Veryslight.
“Whatdoyouwant?”heasks,standingtallernow.FromwhereI’mstanding,Icanseethetensioninhisshoulders,andIknowdeepdownthatIneedtobethereforhim.SoImoveawayfromthecounterandwalkuptohim.
WhenIcomeintoview,Iseethechangeoflookonherface,thesurpriseandalmost…shock.
“Well,whodowehavehere?”sheasksasIputmyhandonHayes’sback.Hestiffenstomytouchandpullsaway.
“Nooneyouneedtobeconcernedwith,”heanswers.
“Issheyourgirlfriendorjustanothergirlyou’vebroughtbacktofuck?”Shemakeseyecontactwithme.“You’dbeoneofthousands.”
Hayesstepsinfrontofme,blockingmefromtheviewofhishorriblemother.“Isthereapurposeastowhyyou’rehere?”
“Asamatteroffact,thereis,”shesays.“Itwouldbeniceifyouletmein.”
“Whateveryouhavetosay,youcansaytomerighthere.”
Shewinces.“Youknow,thatmightnotbewhatyouwant.”Fromherbackpocket,shepullsoutanenvelopeandsmacksitagainstherpalm.“Thisisn’tafrontporchkindofconversation.”
Ifeelhimtenseevenmorebeforehestepstotheside,pullingmewithhim.Heletsherinsidethehouse,andshewalksinasifsheownsit,chestpuffed,asadisticsmileonherface.Whilesheheadsintothelivingroom,Hayespullsmetothesidewhileshuttingthedoor.
“Youneedtogohome,”hesaysquietlysoonlyIcanhearhim.
“What?”Iask.“Hayes,I’mnotgoingto—”
“It’snotupfordiscussion,”hesaysinadeep,commandingtone.“Gohome,Hattie.”
Caughtoffguard,Isay,“Butmybirthday—”
“Hattie,”hesays,hispatiencegrowingthin.“Isaid,gohome.Don’tfuckingarguewithme.”
Iwetmylips,myheartstartingtocrack.“But,whataboutourplans?”
Heleanscloserandsays,“I’llcometoyouwhensheleaves.Okay?”
Thatputsmeatease—onlyslightly—andInod.“Okay.”Istepinforakiss,buthemovesawayfrommeandtomykeysandpurse.Hehandsthemtomeandsays,“Putyourshoesonoutside.”
AndbeforeIevenhaveachancetorespond,heshovesmeoutthefrontdoortohisporchandplacesmyshoesonthepavementinfrontofme.Iturnaroundtoatleastofferhimanencouragingsmile,butbeforeIcan,heshutsthedoorinmyface.
Whatthehelljusthappened?
Islipmyshoesonandwalkouttomycar,whereIopenthedoorandsitinthedriver’sseat.Handsgrippingthesteeringwheel,Istareoutthefrontwindshield.Mypulseraces,andmymindswirls.
ShouldIreallyleave?
Iknowheaskedmeto,buthealsotenseduptothepointthatIfeltlikehecouldsnapthedoorinhalf.Shouldn’tIbetheretosupporthim?
Idon’twanthimtofacehismotheralone,notafterwhatIknowabouther
Thenagain,Idon’twanttostepinwhenheclearlydoesn’twantmenearher.
Ibitedownonmybottomlip,andIfeelmyhanditchtoopenmycardoorbackup.No,Hattie.Trusthim.Heknowswhathewantsrightnow.IfIwalkedthroughthatdoor,he’dbepissed.EvenifIthoughtI’dbedoingwhat’sbestforhim,tryingtosupporthim,hewouldn’tbehappy.
Hemademeleaveforareason,andIthinkIneedtorespectthat.
Sowithaheavyheart,IstartmycaranddriveawayfromHayes’shouse.Hegavemethebestbirthdaytoday,themostthoughtful,andthemostloving.
Thisisabouther.Awomanwhohasonlyeverdonehimwrong.
Hesaidhe’dcomegetmewhenhe’sdone,soIjustneedtotrustthathewill.Becauseifthere’sonethingIknowforsure,it’sthatItrustHayesFarrowwitheveryfiberofmyheart.ChapterTwenty-Three
HAYES
“Howmuchdoyouwantfromme?”IstepintothelivingroombutremainstandingasIfoldmyarmsacrossmychestandstaredownatthewomanwho,unfortunately,ismymother.
AndfuckdoesshelookevenworsethanthelasttimeIsawher.
That’swhatgreedwilldotoyou.Itwillpullyoursoulfromyourbody,leavingyouauselesssackandadrainonsociety.Nothingaboutmymotherisworthy.Shedoesn’tofferanyvaluetothisworld,andrightnow,asIstaredownather,Iknowthatwhatevershe’sabouttosaywilltakeatollonme.
Becauseshealwaysdoes.AndIrefusetoletHattieseethat.
“WhosaysIwantanymoneyfromyou?”sheasks,mildlyinsulted.
“Theonlyfuckingreasonyouevercomeseemeisbecauseyouwantsomething.SojusttellmewhatyoufuckingwantsoIcangetyououtofhere,”Ireply,raisingmyvoice.
Icanfeelmyskinstarttoitchfromstandinginthesameroomasher.Thisintense,gutturalpainoccursinmystomach,likefeelinghomesickbutonsteroids.Adreadfallsoverme,andthelittleboyinsideme,theonewhowatchedherdriveawaywithoutaworrythatshewasleavingmebehind,begginghertostay,isreplacedwiththemanI’vetriedtobecomesincethen.
Deepbreaths,Hayes.
Don’tlethergettoyou.
Don’tlethertakeyoubacktoadarkplace.
“Doyouwantmeoutofheresoyoucanfuckyourgirlfriendmore?”
Mymolarsgrindtogether.“She’snotmygirlfriend,”Ianswer,knowingthat’sabald-facedlie.ThelastthingIneedisforhertoholdthatovermyhead.Thelesssheknowsaboutme,thebetter.
IfsheknewIhadagirlfriend,someoneIactuallycaredabout,she’dfindawaytouseitagainstme.Andthentortureme.
Tortureher.
It’sbestshethinkswe’renothing
“Sheseemedprettyintimatewithyou.”
“She’sdelusional,”Isay.“Justagoodfuck.”
“Yourfatherusedtosaythingslikethat,youknow?Lookwherethatgothim.”
“Wouldn’tknow,”Isay.“HedroveawaybeforeIcouldgettoknowhim.”
“Luckyyou,”shesays.“AtleastIhadthecommondecencytofindyouahomebeforeIleft.”
“Commondecency?”Iask.“Youtreatedmelikeadiscardedpet.Howisthatdecent?”
“Couldhavetakenyouwithme,”shesays.“Notsureyou’dhavegottenwhereyouaretodayifyou’dcomewithme.Isavedyoufromalifeofdrugsandalcoholabuse.”
“Isthatwhatyoutellyourselfatnightsoyoucansleep?”Inod.“Okay.”
Hereyesfallflat,angersimmeringinherfacialexpressions.“YoumightthinkIwasaterriblemother,butIwasselflessbydecidingtoleaveyouwithyourgrandma.”
“Howisthatselfless?Ifyouwereanybitofagoodmother,youwouldhavestayedhereandraisedme.Youhadagoodjob.Youhadfriendsandasupportsystem.Youleftbecauseyouwereselfish.Notselfless.”
“YouhavenoideawhatIwasgoingthroughwhenImadethatdecision.”
“Yeah,anearlymidlifecrisis,whereyouthoughtyourlifecouldchangeifyoujustgotridofme.”
Shedramaticallyrollshereyes.“Herewego,playingthevictimcardagain.”
“I’mnotplayinganycard,”Ishout,losingwhatthin-veiledcoolIhad.Ipatmychest.“Iamthevictim.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Sorryyouseeitthatway,butfromwhereI’msitting,Iseeyouinabeautiful,largehouse,yourwalletfull,andeverythingyoucouldpossiblywantatyourfingertips.Youwouldnothavehadthatifitwasn’tforme.”
“AndI’dtradeitallfuckingintohaveoneounceofaparents’love.DoyourealizethetraumaI’vegonethrough,theabandonmentissuesIhavebecauseofyou?”IsaybeforeIcanstopmyself.It’salmostasifseeingher,knowingshe’sheretoaskforsomething,hasunleashedapartofmethatI’vesuppressedformanyyears.
“Well,then,yourgrandmahasfilledyourmindwithdelusions.”Shestandsfromthecouchandholdsouttheenvelopetome.
“What’sthat?”Iask,nottakingit.
“SomethingRaycameacross.Thoughtyoumightwanttoseeit.”
FuckingRay,mymom’shusband.He’sjustasmuchofadrainonsocietyasmymom.Theymetoneweekendwhenshewasstillaround,andhewasoneofthemainreasonsshemovedaway.Becauseshe’dratherbewithhim.Period.
Itaketheenvelopefrommymomandopenuptheback.Therearepicturesinside…fuckme.
Blackmail?She’sheretoblackmailmenow?
FuckingChrist.
Islipthepicturesout,andit’sofmefromwhenIwasontourthispastyear.Couldn’ttellyouthenight,butthere’sanemptybottleoftequilainmyhand,anakedwomanonmylap,andadeadexpressiononmyface.Youcan’tseeanythingbutherbuttcrack,butshe’snaked,that’sfordamnsure.
“They’rescreenshotsfromavideothatwastaken.”
“Wait,what?”Iask.
Shenods.“Asextape.”
Idragmyhandovermyface,therealizationhittingme.
“Andthat’sthemayorofNashville’sdaughteronyourlap.”
“What?”Iask.
Shenods,hersmileallthereasonIhatethiswoman.Aparentshouldbesupportive,notthrilledthatshe’sabouttoblackmailherownson.
“Itwasbroughttoourattentionthatitwillbereleasedinthenextweekifthedemandsarenotmet.”
Igripthephototightlyinmyfistandmeetmymom’seyes.“Whatdemands?”
“SeemslikeRayhasawaytostopthisallfromhappening,butyouknow…it’sgoingtocostsomething.”
Ofcourse.
“How.Much?”Iaskthroughaclenchedjaw.
“Threequartersofamillion.”
Jesusfuck.
Itearawayfromherandpushmyhandthroughmyhair.Sure,doIhavethemoney?Ofcourse.That’sadropinthebucketfromwhatIhaveatthispoint,butthefactthatI’mgoingtohavetojusthandthisoverbecauseofmycarelessactions,becauseIthoughtdrowningmysorrowandpaininabottleandbetweenrandomlegswasthewaytogo,makesmefeelphysicallyill.
“HowdoIknowitwon’tbeputoutthere?”Iask.
“BecauseIhavetheonlyfileofit,andI’llhanditovertoyou.”
“HowcanItrustyou?”Iask.“HowcouldIpossiblybelievethatthiswon’tgetouttoanyoneelse?Andhowdoyouevenhaveacopy?”
“Becauseonlyonewastaken,andit’sfromatrustedsource.”
“Howfuckingtrusted?Andhowdidyoufuckinggetit?”
“Theycametous,knowingwecouldreasonwithyou.”
“Theycametoyou?”Iask.“Howwouldtheyevengainaccesstomydressingroom?TheonlypeoplewhowereallowedbacktherewereRubenandmy—”
Andthat’swhenithitsme.
Matt.
Nofuckingway.
Iknowitcouldn’tbeRuben.He’dneverbetraymelikethatbecausehe’spracticallyabrother.ButMatttookeverythinghecouldget—shirts,albums,signedparaphernalia,emptybottles.There’snodoubtinmymindthathe’dtakeavideoofmetouseitagainstme
Butwhynow?
WhynotwhenIfiredhim?
Whydidhewaitthislong?Probablytotrytokeephisnameoutofit,buthemustbehurtingifhe’susingitnow.Andhowthehelldidhefindmymother?
Tryingtokeepmyexpressionneutral—becausethisisahugeinvasionofprivacyandalegalbattlewaitingtohappen—Itakeadeepbreathandsay,“Whynotamillion?”
Mymom’seyeslightup.“You’dbewillingtopaythatmuch?”
“Iwould,toguaranteethere’snoslipofthisanywhere,andthere’dhavetobeaconfidentialityagreementsignedaswellasanNDA,butyes,I’dpayonemilliontomakesurethisneverseesthelightofday.”
“Well.”Shestandstaller,purepridesurgingthroughher,probablyassumingthatshehasmeinachokeholdwhen,inreality,I’mabouttomakeher,Ray,andMatt’slivesalivinghell.“IthinkIcouldgobacktomysourceandmakesureweguaranteethisneverreachesanyoneelse.”
“Good,”Isay.“Doit.Letmedrawupthecontractwithmylawyer,andI’llgetbacktoyou.”
“Howlongwillthattake?”sheasks,lookingimpatient.
“Giventhisistimesensitive,notlong.”
“Goodtohear,”shesays.Andthereitisagain—thatsmile.HowdoIshareDNAwiththiswoman?I’mnoangel.I’veneverpretendedtobeeither.Butthis?Blackmailingherownsonforherowngain?She’sdespicable.
Whatperson,letaloneamother,takesjoyfromcausingherchildharm?HowcouldshehonestlylivewithherselfifIwasn’twillingtopayheroff?Toknowwhatthetabloidswouldsay—howthey’dsmearherownson’sname—formoney?
Ifuckinghateher.Gran’sright.Idonotneedherapproval.She’snotworthshit.
“Well,Rayiswaitingforme.We’reheadedupthecoastbutmadeapitstophere.Youhavemynumber,right?”
Unfortunately.
“Yes,”Ianswer.
“Great,callmewhenyourlawyersdrafteverythingup,andwecangofromthere.”Shepatsmyarm.“Alwaysgreatseeingyou,Hayes.”
Andthenshewalkstowardthedoor,endingthebusinesstransactionshecametomake,notthevisitsheshouldhavebeenmakingwithherson.Andasshegetsintohercarandpullsaway,Istandthere,lifelessinthemiddleofmylivingroom,crumpledphotoinmyhand,feelingso…sofuckingbrokenHowcanshestilldothat?Howdoesshestillhavethepowertoshattermyheart?
Robotically,Imovetowardthekitchentablewheremyphoneisandpickitup.IdialRuben’snamebeforecrumplingtothefloor,whereIpullmylegsuptomychestandleanagainstthekitchenisland.
Thephoneringstwicebeforehepicksup.
“Hey,Iwasjustgoingtocallyou.Iheardbackfromthelawyers,andtheloopholeIthoughtwecouldusetogetoutofyourcontractactuallyisgoingtowork.SoIdidn’tsendthemElectricSunshine.Iwanttokeepthatclosetoourchestsincaseyouwanttogoadifferentroute.Ithinkproducingityourselfisthebestideaatthispoint.Youhavethepopularityandthefanbase—”
“Ruben,”Ichokeout,myemotionstakingover,thatlittleboyinsidemefuckingbreakingwitheverybreathItake.
“Hayes…areyouokay?”
“No,man,”Isay,theflashofmymom’ssmilevividinmymind.
“What’sgoingon?”heasks,hisvoicegrowingmoreintense.
“Shecameback.”
“Who?”heasks.“Hattie?”
“No.”Ishakemyheadeventhoughhecan’tseeme.“Mymom,shecameback.”
“Fuck,”hebreathesintothephone.“I’minLArightnow,soIcanbeuptoyouinanhour.”
“No,”IsayasIpressmyheadagainstthecabinet.“Idon’t…Idon’twantyouhere.”
“Hayes,youdon’tsoundgood.Idon’twantyoudoinganythingstupid.I’mpackingmythingsrightnow.”
“Pleasedon’t,”Isay.“Ijustneedyoutoworkonsomethingforme.”
“Whatisit?”heasks.“I’lldoanything.”
“Shehasasextapeofme,asextapeI’mprettysureMatttook.IneedsecurityfootagefromthenightswewereinNashville.Ineedtoseeiftherewasanyoneelseinthatdressingroombesidesmeand…themayor’sdaughter.”
“Jesus,”hemutters.“Okay,I’monit.”
“AndifMattwasinthere,Iwantyoutohandleitwiththelawyers.They’reextortingmoneyfromme,andIwanteveryonebroughttojustice.”
“Understood.”Heclearshisthroat.“IsHattietherewithyou?”
“No,”Isay,mythroatgrowingtighter.“Isent…Isentherhome.”Hersadexpressionfinallycomestotheforefrontofmymind,anditnearlybreaksme.
“Doyouwantmetotexther,contacther,getherbacktoyourplace?”
“No,”Isay,justaboveawhisper.“Idon’twantherinvolved.”
“Shemightbeabletohelp—”
“No,”Isnap.“Shecan’thelp.”
Afteramomentofsilence,Rubensays,“Hayes,Iknowyou,don’tletthismakeyouspiral.We’llgetitfiguredout,butdon’tspiral.That’sthelastthingyouneedtodorightnow.GofindHattie.”Notachance.
“Justfigureouthowtopinthemforthis,”Isay.“We’reworkingondays,notweeks.”
“Hayes—”
Hedoesn’tgettofinishasIhangupanddropthephonenexttome.Ipushmyhandsthroughmyhair,myeyessqueezedshutasIattempttotakedeepbreathsandevenmyskippingpulse.
Nausearollsthroughme.
MemoriesofmymomleavingmebehindfloodmymindsorapidlythatIcan’tcontrolmythoughtsoremotions.
IrecallthesmellofherperfumethatclungtomethroughoutthenightwhenIwonderedwhyshe’dleavemewithmygrandma.
Icouldfeelthestiffpatonmyshouldershegavemebeforesheleft,notevenapartinghug.
AndIcouldtastethestalepretzelssheleftmewithasasnack,apartingpresent.
ThiswomanwhoIwassupposedtotrust,whowassupposedtobethereformeeverystepoftheway,shejust…left.
Mydadleft,noteventakingonelookback.
Rylandleftwithouthearingmysideofthestory.
Itfeelslikeeveryoneleaves,everyonewho’ssupposedtoloveme,supposedtobethereforme.TheyextinguishanytrustImightform,andtheyleaveme.
Theyleavemewithabrokenheart,adamagedsoul,andamindsofucked.I’mrelivingeverymomentI’veeverbeenhurt,scared,orobliteratedbythefewpeoplewhoshouldalwayslovemeforme.
Buttheydon’tloveme,andthatrealizationfuckswithmyhead.
Istandfromthefloor,mystomachroiling,andbeforeIcanloseallcontentsontheconcretebeneathmyfeet,Iruntothetrashcan,whereIthrowup,justasthedoorbellrings.
***
Hattie:Areyouokay?I’mworried.Pleaseletmeknowyou’reokay.Iloveyou.
Istaredownatthetext,feelingthephysicalpainofreadingthosewordsfromher.
Shelovesme.
Ihadafeelingthatshemight,thattheremightbesomethingtherewithher.Andthismorning,whenItoldherIlovedher,whenIadmittedtomytruefeelings,nothinghadeverfeltmorefreeing.
Butwhatacoupleofhourswilldotoaperson.
IopenmycardoorandstepoutontothedarkpavementbehindTheAlmondStore.Hattie’scarisparkedinoneofthespaces,andthankstoonesingularstreetlamp,Idon’ttripalongthewaytothebackofherdoor,whereIpluginthecodetogetin.
Withmychestfeelingheavy,Imoveupthestairstoherapartment.ShemusthearmeapproachbecausebeforeIcanknockonthedoor,shewhipsitopen,arelievedlookonherface.
“Hayes,ohmyGod,”shesaysasshewrapsherarmsaroundme.“Areyouokay?”
Mybodygoesstifffromhertouch.
MybreathbecomeslaboredasIstaredownather.
AnddreadfillsmystomachasIrealizewhatIhavetodo.
Whatneedstobedone.
“Hey,”shesays,runningherhandovermychest.“Iaskedareyouokay?You’reverystiff,andIknowtodaymusthavebeen—”
“Ican’tdothis,”Isay.
Hernosescrunchesupinconfusion.“What?”
It’shergoddamnbirthday.
Wejustsaidweloveeachother.
Andyes,asIstandhereonherdoorstep,staringintohermesmerizingeyes,Iknowforafactthatshehasthepotentialnotonlytohurtmebuttoobliterateme.Idon’tthinkI’veevertrustedanyonethewayI’veputtrustinHattie.
I’veletherintomyhome.
I’vecountedonthefactthateventhoughshewasmyenemy’ssister—foramoment—shewasn’tgoingtosabotagemeinanyway,especiallyaftermyformerassistantbetrayedmytrust.
I’vetoldheraboutmypast.I’veinvitedherintomyinsecurities.
Sheknowsmoreaboutmethananyoneelseonthisplanet,andIknow,withoneword,withoneslip-up,shecanbetheonepersonwhotakesmedown.
Notmymom.
Notmydad.
Notanoldfeudoranassistantwhoseemstousemyfameforhisbenefit.
Her.
AndasmuchasIloveher,Ican’t…Ijustfuckingcan’t.
“Us,”Isay.“Ican’tdous.”
Panicsetsintohereyes.
“Whatdoyoumeanyoucan’tdous?”sheasks.
“Imean,thisisalltoomuchforme,andIdon’tthinkweshoulddothisanymore.”
Herlipquivers,andsheasks,“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”
Ican’tlookherintheeyesasInod.
“No,”shesays,pushingatmychest.“Youlookmeintheeyesandtellmeyou’rebreakingupwithme.”
Caughtoffguardbyherforcefulness,Islowlylookupatherandsay,“I’mbreakingupwithyou,Hattie.”
Sherubsherlipstogether,foldsherarmsatherchest,andthenshesays,“Youfuckingcoward.Youjusttoldmeyoulovedme.Wasthatallashow?”
“No,”Isay.“Idoloveyou.”
“No,youdon’t,”shesays,hervoicerising.“Ifyoulovedme,Hayes,youwouldn’tbestandingatmydoorstep,attemptingtobreakmyheartbecauseyou’retooscaredtoputyourselfoutthere.”
“I’mnotscaredtoputmyselfoutthere,”Isay.“I’mscaredtotrustanyone.EverypersonI’veevertrustedhasrippedthattrustrightoutofmychest.”
“Soyou’reassumingI’mgoingtodothat?”
“Ican’tstickaroundtofindout.”
“Wow.”Sheshakesherhead.“Sojustlikethat,yourmomshowsup,andwe’redone?”
Istuffmyhandsinmypockets,andIsigh.“IwishIwasstronger,Hattie.”Iliftmyeyestomeethers,andseeingthetearswellinthemnearlybreaksme.“ItoldyouIwasn’tgoodforyou.Iwarnedyou.”
Atearcascadesdownhercheek.“Don’t,Hayes.Thisisaboutyou.”
“Thisisabouttrust,”Isay.“LookatRyland.Themomentsomethingwentawry,hewalkedaway.Mymotherwalkedaway,you…youwalkedaway.”
“Ididn’t—”
“Youdid,”Isay.“WhenRylandfoundoutaboutus,youleft.”
“Iwasconfused,”shedefends,wipinghertear.
“Didn’thurtanyless.”
“So…you’rejustgoingtogiveup,justlikethat?”sheasks.
“I’mnotgivingup,Hattie.I’mjust…”Ilookaway.“Fuck,I’mtryingtostayafloathere.Idon’tthinkIcouldtakeonemorecuttomyheart.It’salreadybleeding.”
“I’mnotgoingtostomponyourheart,Hayes.Iwanttohealit.Iwanttobethereforyou.Iwanttoshowyouwhattruelovereallyis.”
Inodslowly,andthenafterasecond,Isay,“AndIwanttobelieveyou…butIcan’t.”
Itakeastepdown,thatsmalldistancecausinghertotakeashortintakeofbreath.
“Hayes,don’tdothis,”shesays,andItakeanotherstepdown.“Hayes,please.”Herhandreachesout,butItakeanotherstepdown,thesteelarmorI’veresurrectedaroundmyhearttokeepitbeatingprotectingmefromthetearsstreamingdownherfaceandthereachofherhand.
Youneedtoleave.
Youneedtogetoutofhere
Andthat’sjustwhatIdo.Withoutanotherword,Iturnaroundandheaddowntherestofthestairs,justasIhearHattiesay,“Pleasedon’tdothis,Hayes.”
ButIignoreherandmoveforward.
Iputherbehindme.
IholdontowhatlittlesanityIhaveleft.
WhatlittlelifeIhavesimmeringdeepwithinmebecausethelightkeepingmerunningisburningout.ChapterTwenty-Four
HATTIE
Hattie:Idon’tunderstandwhyyou’redoingthistous.Please,Hayes,pleasecomebacksowecanworkthroughthis.
Istaredownatmylasttexttohim,hopingandprayinghe’llhaveachangeofheart,butwitheveryminutethatgoesbywithoutananswer,Ifearthismightbetheend.
ButIdon’tunderstandwhyithastobetheend.HowamIassociatedwithwhatever’sgoingonwithhismom?Hedidn’teventellmewhatwasgoingon.HowcanIhelphimifIdon’tknowwhat’shappening?
IpacethesmallspaceofmyroomandconsiderwhatIshoulddo.
Icouldcrawlintomybed,pullthecoversuptomychin,andcrymyselftosleep.
OrIcandriveovertoHayes’shouse,wherehe’sisolatinghimself,andbewithhim,eventhoughhedoesn’twantme.Eventhoughhe’sconvincedhimselfthathedoesn’tneedme.
He’swrong.
Weneedeachother.
Equally.
Notwantinghimtowalkoutofmylifesoeasily,Isliponasweatshirt,throwmyhairupinabun,andgrabmykeys.WhenIreachmycarandpullopenthedoor,afewfatraindropspeltthehoodofmycar,thewindshield,thetrunk.
Great.
IpulloutontoAlmondAve,flipmywindshieldwiperson,anddrivetoHayes’shouse.Theentiretime,I’mtryingtokeepmyemotionsinchecksoIdon’tgetinanaccident.
Whatisnormallyafifteen-minutetripfeelslikeamonotonoushourofmerunninghisconversationoverandoverinmyhead,drivingmyselfmad.
WhenIreachhisplace,Islipoutofmycar,therainreallycomingdownnow,andIrunuphissidewalk,onlytobestartled,justlikeIinitiallywas,whenIfindhimsittingintheAdirondackchair,staringoutinfrontofhim.
“Hayes,”Isaybreathlessly,buthedoesn’tlookatme.Hedoesn’tevenmove.Hekeepshisheadandbodystill,likehe’sfrozeninplace.
Gently,Iwalkuptohimandsquatinfrontofhischair,placingmyhandsonhisknees.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Hattie?”heasks,hisvoicedistant.
“I’mnotgoingtogiveyouthechancetobreakupwithme,notaftertoday,notaftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough.You’renotallowedto.That’stheeasywayout.Youneedtofightthesefeelings,fightthedemons,andletmehelpyoudothat.”
Heshakeshishead.“It’snotlikethat.”
“Whatdoyoumeanit’snotlikethat?”Iaskaswaterstreamsdownmyface.
“Youcan’thelp.Noonecanhelp.AndIdon’twantyourhelp.Iwant…Iwantyoutoleave.”ItrynottolethiswordsaffectmeasIstayput.He’shurting,he’sdistancing,he’sspiraling,andIwon’tlethim.
“Whatdidshewant?”Iask,referringtohismom.
“It’snoneofyourbusiness.”Hewon’tevenlookatme.Notevenaglanceinmydirection.Hejustkeepshiseyesstraightahead.
“Itismybusiness.You’remyperson,Hayes.”Ipressmyhandtohis,buthepullsaway.“We’vebeennothingbuttruthfulandhonestwitheachother.Sowhystopnow?”
“Youwantthetruth?”heasks.“Youreallywanttoknowhowfuckedupmylifeis?”
“Iwanttobeapartofyourlife.”
Heshakeshishead.“Youdon’t,trustme.”Hestandsfromthechairbutdoesn’theadintothehouse.Itrytocapturehishand,buthepullsaway,anotherwoundtomyalreadybatteredheart.
Justhoursago,hewasdependentonholdingmyhandandtouchingme.Howcoulditpossiblychangethatquickly?Whatdidshesaytohimtomakehimflipaswitchandbeacompletelydifferentman?
“Hayes—”
“Whatdon’tyouunderstandaboutmenotwantingtobearoundyou?”heshouts,startlingmeback.WhenImeethiseyeswithmine,I’mgreetedwithemptiness.AshellofamanIwaswithafewhoursago.Hispupilslooksoulless,likehe’slosteveryounceoflifeandisjustgoingthroughthemotions.“Isaidwe’redone,Hattie.Acceptitandmoveon.”
Hiswordsfeellikesharpknives,stabbingmedirectlyinthesoul,nearlybringingmetomyknees.Andifitweren’tfortheearlierhalfoftheday,Iprobablywouldhavecrumpledtothegroundbynow,whereI’dhaveweptuntilsomeonefoundme.Buthe’ssayingthesethingstopushmeawaybecause,forsomereason,hehasitinhisheadthathislifewouldbebetteralonethanwiththepersonheloves.
“Youdon’tmeanit,”Isay.“You’retryingtopushmeawaybecauseofwhatyourmomsaidtoyou.Don’tyourealize—”
“It’sbecauseIcan’ttrustyou,”heshouts.“JesusChrist,doIhavetospellitoutforyou?”
Ifeelmyliptremble,butItakeadeepbreathbeforeIanswer.“Hayes—”
“Yourownsisterdidn’tevenfuckingtrustyou.”
Ipause.
TheairinmylungsseizingasImeethissoullessgaze.
“Whatdidyoujustsay?”Iask,mybodyshakingfromthechilloftherainandthepainricochetingthroughme.
“Cassidy,shedidn’teventrustyou.Shedidn’tleaveyoutheshop;shedidn’tleaveyouMac.Sheleftyounothing.”
“Don’t.”Ishakemyhead.“Don’tbringherintothisjusttobecruel.”
“It’snotcruelwhenit’sthefacts.”Heplaceshishandsinhispocketsandstaresdownatme.“Ifyourownsistercan’ttrustyou,howthefuckamIsupposedtotrustyou?”
Forthelifeofme,Ican’tthinkofaresponsebecauseI’msostunned,soshockedthathe’dthrowthosewordsoutthere,bringinguponeofmybiggestinsecurities.NotevenaninsecuritybutaquestionthathasbeenrestingheavilyonmychesteversincewelostCassidy,aquestionthat’shauntedmetothepointIcouldn’tevenconcentrateduringschool.
“YouknowI’mright,”hesays.“Iwasfuckedoverbymydad,fuckedoverbymymom,bymyassistant,bymylabel…howthehelldoyouthinkIcanjustsithereandthinkIwon’tbefuckedoverbyyou…whenthepersonyouwereclosestwithdidn’tthinkyouwereworthyenoughtoholdapieceofherlife.”
Myliptrembles.
Tearsfillmyeyes.
Hedidn’tjustsaythat.
ButwhenImeethisgaze,whenIseethehurtinthemthathe’stryingtoimposeonme,Iknowthathedid.Thatheutteredthosewordswithoutasecondthought,withoutevenconsideringhowdeepitwouldcutme.Becausesomeonewhotrulyloves,whowoulddoanythingforyou,wouldnothurlsuchpainfulknivesatanopenwound.That’snotlove.That’snotfuckinglove.
Andthat’swhatmakesmebackaway.
It’swhatmakesmestarehimdeadintheeyes.
Andit’swhatcausesmetoutter,“Fuckyou,Hayes.”
Iturnonmyheelandtakeoff,notbotheringtoglanceovermyshoulder.
***
Maggie:Okay,it’sbeentwodayssinceI’veheardfromyou.Now,Iknowyou’reinadreamlikestateofHayesFarrowandhisdeliciouspenis,butifyougetachance,pleasetextmeback,youknow,justsoIknowyou’realive.
Maggie:Hattie,youcan’tpossiblyhavehadHayesinsideyouforthreehoursstraight.That’sright,Itextedyouthreehoursago.ThereisNOWAY!Unless…God,IneedtofindmySpeedoman.Isthiswhatgoodsexisnow?Threehoursstraightofpenisinsidevagina?Wonderingmindswanttoknow.
Maggie:SixHours!!Sixfreakinghours.NowI’mcallingbullshit.Iwouldhavegivenyouthreehours,youknow,withallofthecuddlingandlightcaressesafteramind-blowingorgasm,notthatIwouldknow,haven’texperiencedoneinwhatfeelslikeacentury,butthere’snowayyoucouldgosixhourswithteninchesdeepinsideyou.
Maggie:Okay…okay…I’veheardofsex-a-thons.Igetit,thedudewantedtocarryyourbirthdaythroughtheweekend.AndifIwasgettingfuckedthewayyouare,I’dsetmyphonetothesideaswellandforgetabouteveryonearoundme,butathumbs-uptoletmeknowyou’restillbreathingfromallofthesexwouldbegreat.
Maggie:Well,thisisirritating.Ididn’tthinkdeathbysexwaspossible,but…I’mconsideringitnow.Areyoualive?What’shappening?Pleasedon’tmakemetextAubree.Shescaresme!
Maggie:Now,yousee,I’mstartingtoreallyworrybecauseIcalledyouthreetimes,andsure,isthatalittlestalkerish?Maybe,butI’mworriednowthatperhapshisdickgotstuckinyou,andyou’reinsomeemergencyroomsituation.Pleasecallback.Textback.Sendmeapictureofthestuckpenis,whateverworks
Maggie:Goddammit,Hattie!YoumademetextAubree.AndIwillhaveyouknowthatwhenIpressedsend,myboobsshriveledtothesizeofanapricot,andyouknowIhavegrapefruitsoverhere.
Maggie:And…nowAubreeischeckingonyou.Ihopeyou’rehappybecauseshesaidifshewalksinonyounakedwithHayes,she’sgoingtocomeforme.Theapricotsarenowprunes!
***
Knock.Knock.
“Hattie,youinthere?”Aubree’svoicecomesfromtheothersideofmydoor.“Maggietextedmetocheckonyouandsinceyourcarisoutfront,I’massumingyou’reinhere.”
Icurlintomypillowsomemore,myeyesburningfromallthecryingI’vedoneoverthepasttwodays.
WhenIdon’tanswer,Ithinkshe’sgoingtoleaveuntilsheopensthedoor.ImustnothavelockeditwhenIreturnedhereafterbeingatHayes’shouse.
“Hattie?”shesaysasshestepsintotheapartment.“Areyou—”Shestopswhensheseesmecurledonthebed,thecoverspulleduptomyneck,probablymytear-stainedfaceinfullview.“OhmyGod,areyouokay?”sheasksassheapproachesmeandsitsonthebed
AndbecausesheaskedifIwasokay,whatHayessaidtomecomesbacktome—again—whichbringsonawholenewfreshsetoftears.
“Hey.”Sheplacesherhandonmyback.“What’sgoingon?”
Withatightthroatandthroughmytears,Imanagetosay,“Hayesbrokeupwithme.”
“What?”sheasks,hertoneharsh.“Hebrokeupwithyou?Forwhatreason?”
Iwipemyeyes,butit’snouse.“Idon’t…Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“Oh,we’retalkingaboutit.”Shepushesmyhairoutofmyface,somethingCassidywouldhavedoneifshewashere.“Whendidhebreakupwithyou?”
“Onmybirthday,”Isayjustasasobpassesmylips.
“Thatmotherfucker,”Aubreesays,risingfromthebedandheadingtowardthedoor.
“Wait,Aubree,”Icalloutbeforeshecanleave.“Don’t.”
“Youdon’tevenknowwhatI’mgoingtodo.”
“Iknowyou’regoingtodosomethingtohim,andIdon’twantyouto.”
“DamnrightI’mgoingtodosomethingtohim.IfRylanddoesn’ttakecareofthis,thenIfuckingwill.”
“Pleasedon’t,”Isay.“Please.”
“Hattie,hebrokeupwithyouonyourbirthday.HowcanIjustsitbyandallowthattohappen?”
“It’snotworthourtime.”Iwipemyeyes.“He’snotworthourtime.”
Shegrumblessomethingunderherbreathandthencomesbacktothebed.“Well,here’sthedeal.EithertellmewhathappenedorI’llfindoutfromhim.”
IlovehowprotectiveAubreeis,butherbedsidemannerisalittlerough.Cassidywouldhavebeensofter,probablywouldhaveclimbedunderthecoverswithmeandheldme.Aubreeisreadytodrawthekitchenknivesfromthedrawerandtakecareofbusiness.
KnowingIdon’twantheroverthere,andshewillgooverthereifIdon’ttellherwhat’sgoingon,Isitupinbedandpropmypillowagainsttheheadboard.“Wewerehavingagoodday.”Iwipemyeyes.“He,uh…hetoldmehelovedme.”
“Wait.”AubreesqueezeshereyesshutasshetriestomakesenseofwhatIjusttoldher.“Hetoldyouhelovedyou,butthenbrokeupwithyou?Howdoesthatmakesense?”
“Ibelievedhimthathelovesme.Istillbelievethat’sthetruth,butthen,whenwethoughtourdinnerarrived,itwasactuallyhismomatthefrontdoor.”
“Ohshit,”Aubreesaysasifshealreadyknows.
“Hemademeleavebecausehedidn’twantmetohearwhatshehadtosay.Iwentbacktomyplace,andhesaidhe’dcomeandgetme.Iwaitedandwaited,andwhenhefinallyarrived,Iknewsomethingwasoff.That’swhenhesaidhewasbreakingupwithme,thathecouldn’ttrustanyoneinhislifenottobreakhim.Andhetookoff.”
Aubreeslowlynods,andIcantellbyherdampenedangerthatthisismakingallthesenseintheworldtoher.Toobadforme,I’mstillconfused.
“Ididn’twanthimtobealonebecauseIfeltlikehewasspiralingfromhisvisitwithhismom,soIwenttohisplace,andthat’swhereIfoundhimsittingoutsideintherain.Icouldtellhewashurting,andItriedmybesttogetthroughtohim,butthen…”Ifeelmythroatgrowtightagain,andmylipstremble.“That’swhenhetoldmethathecouldn’tpossiblytrustmeifmyownsisterdidn’ttrustmetotakecareofherresponsibilities.”
Aubreewinces.“Shit,Hattie.I’msorry.”
“Itoldhimtofuckoff,andIcamebackhere.Ihaven’theardfromhim,andIhaven’treachedout.”Iglanceaway,andbeforeshecanreply,Isay,“Andtheworstpartofitisthathewasright.Myownsistercouldn’ttrustme.”
“Hattie,that’snottrue.”
“Itisn’t?”Myvoicerises.“Howcanyousaythatwhenshegaveyouthestore,themostimportantthingwehadtogether?Howcomeshegaveyoualllettersandwrotemenothing?YouknowIsearchedherroomfromtoptobottom,wonderingifitwaslost?Itwasn’t.Shejustdidn’tleaveanythingforme.WhichmeanswhatHayessaidistrue.Shedidn’ttrustme.”
“He’snotright,”Aubreesayswhileplacingherhandonmyknee.“Honestly,Idon’tknowwhyshedidn’tleaveyoualetter.Iaskedthelawyerwhenhegaveusours.Hesaidheneverreceivedone.”Alonelytearcascadesdownmycheek.“Buttheshop,that’sbecauseyouwerestillincollege.”
“Fuckcollege,”Iyell,moretearscoming.“I’msoovercollege.Ishouldhaveneverattemptedtoearnmymaster’sinthefirstplace.Itwasstupid.IwastryingtobeimpressiveandlearnmoreaboutbusinesstohelpCassidy,butIshouldhavestayedhomeandlearnedthroughreal-lifeexperience.IwouldhavebeenabletospendmoretimewithCassidy,andIwouldhavebeenabletoconvinceherthatIwastrustworthyenough.”
“Youaretrustworthy,Hattie.”
Ishakemyhead.“Clearly,I’mnot.Themanwholovesmecan’ttrustme.Mysistercan’ttrustme.Idon’teventhinkItrustmyselfatthispoint.”Iwipeatmyeyes.“AndallofthishasjustmademerealizehowlostIam.LikewhatwasIthinking?MovingfromonerelationshiptothenextwhileI’mstilltryingtomournmysister?I’mmakingshittychoices,Aubree,andit’sshowingbecausethis?”Igesturetothesmallapartment.“Thisisrockbottom.Theonlyreasonyou’reevenlisteningtomeisprobablybecauseyoufeellikeyoucan’tleaveoutofcommondecency,butIknowthatbeinghere,watchingmecryisyourworstnightmare.”
“Enough,”shesays.
“Youwouldn’tevenhavedinnerwithme.”
“Isaidenough,”Aubreesayslouder,startlingmetoshutmymouth.Shetakesadeepbreathandlooksmeintheeyes.“ThereasonIhaven’thungoutwithyoutoomuchisbecauseyou’rethespittingimageofCassidy,andit’sstartling.SometimeswhenIseeyou,Ifeellikeshe’sback,andyes,that’sonme,butit’shard.Ishouldn’thaveassociatedyouwithCassidylikethat,andI’msorry.Butdon’tyouever,andImeanever,thinkthatI’dneverbethereforyou.Youaremysister,Hattie,myblood,andnomatterwhat,youareaprioritytome.Thisconversationrighthere,it’sapriority.”
Andjustlikethat,Ifeelmoretearsrisetothesurfaceandcrestovermyeyelids.
“Andofcourseyou’regoingtofeellost,Hattie.That’sanaturalreactiontolosingabigpartofyourlife.Itwon’tbefixedovernight.Itwilltaketime,butjustbecauseittakestimedoesn’tmeanyouneedtoputyourlifeonhold.WorkingwithHayesandfindingabondwithhimwasgoodforyou.Itgaveyouanescape,someonetorelyonotherthanmeandRyland,aseparationfromthefamilysoyoudidn’tgetevenmorelost.”
“Buthecrushedme.”
“Iknow,”shesaysonasigh.“AndI’mnotgoingtosithereanddefendhimbecausewhathesaidtoyouisinexcusableandfalse.Shetrustedyou,Hattie.Shelovedyoudearly,somuchthatshedidn’twanttodistractyoufromwhatyouweretryingtoaccomplish.”
“Idon’tevenwantthatanymore,”Isay.“Idon’twanttogobacktoschool.Idon’twanttoliveinSanFranciscoforanothersemesterawayfromyou,Ryland,andMac.Iwanttobehere.Iwanttohelpwiththestoreandbeafamilyunit.Ijustwish…Ijustwishthatwasanoption.IwishCassidythoughtIwasgoodenough.”
“Youaregoodenough.”Aubreegripsmychin,forcingmetolookather.“Youaregoodenough,Hattie.”
Ishakemyheadandscootdownonthebed.“I’mnot.Hayesmadethatquiteclear.”
Aubreegoestoanswer,butfromthebottomofthestairs,someoneyells,“Anyonehereinthestore?”
“Shit,”Aubreemuttersasshestands.“I’llbeback.Letmehandlethiscustomerandclosedownthestore.”
“Don’tcomeback,Aubree,”Isay,turningmybackonher.“Thankyouforwantingto,butIjust…Ijustcan’ttalkaboutitanymore.”Shelovesme,Iknowthat.Butrightnow…Ijustfeelsobereft.
AndthenIblockheroutandclosemyeyes,leavingmetostewinmyownsadness.
***
Maggie:Aubreetoldmewhathappened.Twothings:Ihatehimnow,andIhopehismusicisfoundinhellwithhisbody.AndIplanoncomingtovisityou.IhaveafewthingsIneedtowrapupherefirst,andthenIwillbethere.Iloveyou.
Maggie:PS.Wecanhaveamusic-deletingpartyifyouwant.MyclickyfingerisreadytoremoveallHayesFarrowsongsfrommyplaylists.
Maggie:PPS.IfyoucouldjustrespondsoIknowyou’vereadthese,I’dappreciateit.Andincaseyouwerewondering,myboobshavereturnedtonormalgrapefruitsize.Aubreethankedmeforbeingvigilant.Ifanything,Igotalittlewetfromherresponse.
Hattie:Pleasedon’teversaythatagain.
Maggie:Ha,Iknewthatwoulddoit.Loveyou,Hattie.I’mhereforyou.
***
Knock.Knock.
IturnonmybedtofacethedoorjustasIcatchRylandwalkingintomysmallapartment.Yup,Isawthiscoming.
“Hey,sis,”hesays,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.
“Letmeguess,youspoketoAubree.”
Henodsandwalksfartherintotheapartment,wherehestickshishandsinhispockets,justlikeHayes.Freshfrompractice,stillwearinghisshorts,AlmondBayBaseballshirt,andhisbaseballhat,hefeelslikethebrotherIgrewupwith,butjust…bigger.
“Idid,andIcametocollectyou.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoucametocollectme?”
“You’renotstayingherealone.Youhavetwochoices,youcancomesleepinmyroomoryoucansleeponthecouch,butthisapartmentisnotanoption.”
“Ryland—”
“Twooptions.”Heholdsuptwofingerstome.“That’sit,that’sallyouget.Sowhileyoudecide,doyouwantmetopackforyou?”Hewalksovertothecornerwheremysuitcaseisandheopensitupnexttothedresser.“Idon’twanttotouchyourunderwear,butIwillifIhaveto.”
Heopensthetopdrawerandcringes.
“DoyouhavesometongsIcanpicktheseupwith?”
“ForGod’ssake,”Isaywhilegettingoutofbedandwalkingovertohim,shovinghimtothesidesoIcanpackmyself.
“Smartchoice.”HegoestomybedandsitswhileIshovemysuitcasefullofclothes.“Hedoesthis,youknow,”Rylandsays,causingthehairsonthebackofmynecktostandtoattention.“Heletshispasttakeoverhispresenttoguardhimselffromanyonehurtinghim.He’sdoneittoAbelandme.He’smaskedhispainwithdrugs,withalcohol,withsex…anythingtogethismindofftheabandonmenthefeelsdeepwithinhim.”
“LookslikeIwasjustoneofthosemasks.”Itossmyshirtsinthesuitcase.
“That’sthething…youweren’t.Youwereanythingbutamask.Ifyouwereamask,hewouldn’thavewaitedsolongtomakeamoveonyou.Hewouldhavemadeitrightaway.Hecaresaboutyoudeeply.”
“Ifthatwerethecase,heneverwouldhavesaidthethingshesaid.”
“Hewaspushingyouawayonpurpose,”Rylandsays.
“Well,jobwelldone,hedidit.”IturntowardRylandandask,“Andwhythehellareyoudefendinghimrightnow?Yourealizehebrokeme,right?Absolutelybrokeme.”
“I’mtellingyouabouthim,notdefendinghim,becauseIdon’twantyoutobebroken.Iwantyoutoknowit’shim,notyou.There’snothingwrongwithyou.Youdideverythingright,Hattie.He’stheonetoblame,he’stheonewhoneedstoworkouthisfeelings,thedemonschasinghimdown.”
“Thenwhy…”Mybreathcatchesinmythroat.“Thenwhydoesthisfeelsoawful?”Iletoutasob,andRylandisquicklyatmyside,huggingmeashepullsmeintohischestandwrapshisarmsaroundme.
“Becauseyoulovehim,that’swhy.Becauseyou’vesufferedthroughalotofloss,andthisjustaddstothepileofhelplessnessyou’refeeling.Butthistime,we’regoingtobehereforyou.We’regoingtogetyouthroughthis.”
Ipressmyfaceintomybrother’schest,feelingsooverwhelmed,yetsogratefulforhim.ForAubree.ForMaggie.Forthepeopleinmylifewho’vefilledavoidinmyheartthatCassidyleft.Withoutthem,I’mnotsurewhereI’dbe.
***
“Howdidyousleeponthatcouchforovertwomonths?”IaskRylandasIstaggerintothekitchen,searchingoutcoffee.
“Idon’thaveanyfeelinginmybackanymore.”Heleansagainstthecounter,drinkingacupofcoffee.
It’sbeenthreedaysofstayingonthecouch,andatthispoint,I’mconvincingmyselfI’mnotheartbrokenjustsoIcangetbacktomyapartment.Still,everynight,whenMacgoestosleepandI’mhangingoutwithRylandandAubree,Ialwaysburstintotears,renderingmeanothernighthere,onthecouch,becausetheyrefusetoletmegobacktotheapartmentstillsobbing.
AndIdon’twanttobeupsetanymore.Idon’twanttohavethesefeelingsbouncingthroughmeconstantly.Idon’twanttoseehishandsome,distraughtfacewhenIclosemyeyesorhearhisdarklyintensevoicewhilesittingsilentlyinthedark.Idon’twanttohavethisneedtoseehim,totellhimthatI’msomeonehecantrust,I’msomeonewho’dneverhurthim.IwanttobeabletoholdontothelastthingItoldhim…fuckyou.Iwanttoholdthatpain,thatangersoIdon’thavethisneedtobenearhim.
BecauseImisshim.
It’shardnottowhenhecommandedmyheartsoquickly.
WithMatt,Ifeltrelieved.
WithHayes,Ifeelliketheairhasbeenstolenfrommylungs.
Igrabamugfromthecabinetandthecreamerfromthefridge,fillingupthebottomportionofmymug.
“Istilldon’tthinkthat’stherightwaytodoit,”Rylandsaysastheearlymorninglightpeeksthroughthewindows.Macisstillsleepingandprobablywon’tbeupforanotherhalfhour.Rylandgetsupearlytoworkout,shower,andmakesureMacissetfortheday.LikeIsaid,notsurehowhe’sdoingallofthis.
“Thisistherightwaytomakecoffee,”Isay,rememberingthesameconversationIhadwithHayes.“Nomess,nospoon.”
“Whateveryousay,sis.”Hesetshiscupdownandasks,“Wantsomeeggs?”
“I’mgood.”
“Areyou?”heasks.“Becauseitseemslikeyoukeepskippingmeals,andIthinkyouknowhowIfeelaboutthat.”
“I’meating,Ryland.”
“Yeah,whatdidyouhavefordinner?”WhenIcan’tanswer,hesays,“Andforlunch?Whataboutbreakfast?IthinktheonlythingI’veseenyoueatissomeCracklin’OatBran.Iknowyou’resad,butthatdoesn’tmeanyougettoletyourbodystarve.”
“Letmeguess,you’remakingmesomeeggsthismorning.”
“Yeah,I’mmakingeggs.”
Notsurprised.IsitonthecounterandbringmyalreadymixedcoffeetomylipsasRylandmovesaroundthekitchen,startingbreakfast.
WhileIwatchhim,Iask,“DoyouthinkCassidytrustedme?”
“Yes,”hesaysimmediately.Theautomaticresponseshouldmakemehappy,butitdoesn’tsettlewell.
“You’rejustsayingthattoappeaseme.Iwanttoknowifyoureallybelievethosewords.”
“Ido,”hesays,placingapanonthestove.Heturnstowardmeandsays,“SheconsideredgivingyoucustodyofMacbutdidn’twanttotieyoudown.Shedidn’twanttogiveyouaresponsibilitythattookoveryourlifebeforeyoucouldevenstartit.”
“ShewasgoingtogivemeMac?”
Henods.“Butwebothknewitwouldn’tbefair.SodoIthinkCassidytrustedyou?Ido.”
“Butwhatabouttheshop?”
“Wewentoverthis.Shewantedyoutograduate.”Hecracksafeweggsintoalargewhiteandbluebowlandtossestheeggshellsintoabowlofwatertorinsebeforehecomposts.“IknowwhatHayessaidtoyouhashityouhard,butwhenIsayhewassayinganythingandeverythingtopushyouaway,I’mnotkidding.TherelationshipyouhadwithCassidywasstrong.Shewantedyoutoreachapositioninyourlifewhereyoudecidedwhatyouwanted,nothaveitdecidedforyou.”Hemeetsmyeyeswithhis.“Youneedtorememberthat.Shewasn’tgoingtoletherillnessdictateyourfuture;shewantedyoutobeabletodothatyourself.”
“But—”
“Butnothing.That’swhatshewanted.”
“Thenwhyforcemetogotoschool?Idon’twanttogoback,Ryland.Iwanttobehere.Ifeelcomfortablehere.Ifeellikethisishome.IfeellikethisiswhereI’msupposedtobe.”
“Thendon’tfinishschool.Stayhere.”
“It’snotthateasy.”
“It’sprettydamneasyifyouthinkaboutit.It’syourchoice.Wecanmakeitallwork.”
“Butwon’tyoubeupsetifIdon’tfinishschool?Ionlyhaveonesemesterleft.”
“I’llbeupsetifyoudon’tdosomethingwithyourlife.I’llbeupsetifyouletamanruintheconfidenceyouhaveinyourself.I’llbeupsetifyoudon’twanttobeapartofMac’slife.Everythingelse,that’sjustinconsequential.IthinkwelearnedquicklyafterlosingCassidythatfamilyismoreimportantthananything.Iwantyouclosetoo,Hattie.Ilikehavingyouaround,evenifyoumakeyourcoffeeweird.”Hesmirksatme,whichpullsasmilefrommeaswell.
“Ikindoflikebeingaroundyouguystoo.”
“Good.”Henodstowardthepantry.“Nowmakeyourselfusefulandtoastsomebread.YouknowthatMacwilldemandaneggsandwich.”
“Onit.”Ihopoffthecounter,andforthefirsttimesinceHayespushedmeoutofhislife,Iactuallyhaveafeelingthatmaybe…maybeeverythingwillbeokay.ChapterTwenty-Five
HATTIE
Maggie:Areyouexcitedtoseeme?Iboughtsomefreshdonutsthismorning.
Hattie:Iamexcitedtoseeyou,butItoldyou,I’mfeelingbetter.
Maggie:Doesn’tmatter,Istillwanttoseeyou,andIpickedsomethingsupfromyourapartmentforyou—mailandthosesleepmasksyou’vebeenbeggingfor.I’magoodfriendlikethat.
Hattie:Iappreciateit.Andyou.But…whereareyousleeping?
Maggie:We’reinvestinginablowupmattress,andI’llsleepnexttoyouandholdyourhandwhileyousleep.Why?Becausenomanwillevertakethespiritfrommygirl.
Hattie:Itoldyou,I’mdoingbetter.Stillsad,butbetter.
Maggie:I’dappreciateitifyoucouldatleastconjureupalittlebitmoresadnesssoIhaveanexcusetoeatthreedonutsinarowwithyou.
Hattie:Ohright…I’msobbingrightnow.Theonlythingthatwillfixitisdonuts.
Maggie:Muchbetter.(YellsinaMrs.Doubtfirevoice)HELPISONTHEWAY,DEAR!
***
Maggie’scarpullsupinthedriveway,andsheputsitinpark.Iwalkoutontheporch,wearingaholeyshirtandapairofcottonshorts,whilemyhairispulledintoahighponytailthatfeelsmorelikeasideponythananything.
AndofcourseMaggielookslikeperfectioninamatchingsetofleggingsandcroptopfromLululemon.Herhairisinelegantwaves,whilehermascaramakesherbeautifuleyesstandout.
“Youlooklikeyou’vebeensleepinginadumpster,”shesaysasshepullsmeintoahug.“Ahh,butyousmellgood,soIguessthat’sallthatmatters.”Shegripsmyshouldersandputsafootofdistancebetweenus.“Howareyou?”
“Doingokay.”
“Dowestillhatehim?”
“Iwanttobematureandsayno,butyeah,wehatehim.”
Shenods.“Dowestilllovehim?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Okay,justtryingtogaugewherewe’reat.Thisisgoodinformation.Stillupset,whichgivesusalltherighttoeatallthedonuts,butdoingwellenoughtowalkoffsaiddonutslater.AmIcorrect?”
Ichuckle,lovinghersomuch.“Yes,youarecorrect.”
“Good.”Shepullsmeintoahugagainandsays,“Iloveyou.Youareperfect,andhe’sanabsolutemoronforlettingyououtofhissight.”
“Thankyou.”Ihugherback.
“Now,helpmewithmythings.Igotoneofthoseblowupmattressesthat’sadouble.Iwon’tbeonthatflooranytimesoonwiththeheightI’llgetwiththisbaby.”
Sheleadsmetowardhercarandopenshertrunk,thenpullsouthersuitcaseandalaundrybasketofmailandpersonalitemsfromtheapartment.“Thisisforyou,”shesays.Sheplacesaboxofdonutsontopofmypersonalthings.“Theseareforus.Themaplefrostedismine,sodon’teventhinkaboutit.I’vebeensmellingthatsonofabitchforthisentiredrive.”Shegrabsthehandleoftheairmattressandsays,“Andthisismynewlover,Winston.Wemightmakealotofnoisetogether,butjustknow,he’skeepingmecomfortable.”
“Youhaveissues.”
Sheshutshertrunkandpicksuphersuitcaseaswell.“Iwasnotriskingsomesmallbedtosharewithyouoracouchcushiononthefloorasabed.YouknowIdemandthefinestofthings.”
“Believeme,Iknow.”
Wemakeourwayuptheporchandintothehouse,thesqueakyscreendoorslammingbehindus.Icarrythelaundrybaskettothetablewhileshesetsdownhersuitcaseand…newlover.Shethengrabstheboxofdonuts,takesaseatatthekitchentable,picksuphermaplefrosted,andtakesahugebite.
Withafullmouth,shesays,“Sorry,notgoingtowaitforyou.Mytastebudshavebeensalivatingforovertwohours.It’stimeIrewardthem.”
Iglanceatthebox.“DibsontheBostoncream.”
“WhydoyouthinkIgotit?”ShewiggleshereyebrowsasIgrabsomeofthemail,onlytofindaboxatthebottom.
“What’sthis?”Ipullitoutandturnitaroundtolookatthereturnaddress,whichismyapartmentaddressinSanFrancisco.
Maggieshrugs.“Notsure.”
Confused,Igrababoxcutterfromthekitchenjunkdrawerandsplitopenthetapeonthebox.WhenIopenit,I’mmetwithbubblewrapandtissuepaper
Maggiestretchestoseewhat’sinside.“Whatisit?”
“Idon’tknow,”IanswerwhileIpullbackthebubblewrapandtissuepaper.“Ididn’torder—”
MywordsimmediatelyfallflatthemomentIseeacardonthetop,writteninCassidy’shandwriting.
“OhmyGod,”Isay,tearsimmediatelyforminginmyeyes.“OhmyGod.”
“What?”Maggiestandsnow,settingherdonutdown,andwhensheseesthecardtoo,Ihearthelightestofgasps.“Isthatfrom…Cassidy?”
Inod,myhandclutchedovermymouthasIpickupthecard.Underneathareindividuallywrappeditemsinpinkbirthdaywrappingpaper.
“She…shesentmeabirthdaygift.”Ishakilyopentheletter,gulpingbackthesobforminginmythroat.Shedidn’tforgetme.Shedidn’tforgetme.Ipulloutthecard,whichisapictureofTheAlmondStorewithataped,cut-outpictureofmeandherwhenwewereyounger.Sheplacedusrightnexttothedoor.
Swipingatmytears,Iopenthecard,andIreadittomyself.
Mydearest,sweetest,favoritestHattie,
God,it’stakenmesolongtoeventrytostartthiscardbecausehowthehellamIsupposedtosaygoodbyetoyou?Theonepersonwhohelpedmakemydreamscometrue.TheonepersonwhomademefeellikeamombeforeItrulywasone.Andtheonepersonwhowasmybackbone.
WhichmeansI’mnotgoingtosaygoodbyetoyou.Ican’t,butwhatIcandoistellyouthis…
Firstofall,happybirthday,HattieHoo.I’msosorryIcouldn’tbethere,holdingyourhandwhileIsanghappybirthday,tacklingyoutothegroundwithhugs,andgivingyouthesepresentsinperson.ButknowingIwon’tbethere,Idecidedtogiveyouonelastspecialbirthdayfromme.
Second,IwanttotellyouhowproudIamofyou.I’mnotsureIsaidthatenough,butIam.Wegrewupinahomewherelovewasscarce,dramawashigh,andself-preservationwasthenameofthegame,butyou…you’retheonewhomademerealizeifwedon’tcometogetherassiblingstohelponeanother,we’dnevermakeitoutofthathouse.
Iknowyou’llbelieveI’mthereasonyou’refulloflove,ofunderstanding,ofresilience,butinreality,I’mtheonewhofedoffyou.Whenyouwereyoung,youfilledmewithlove.WhenIwasstrugglingtofindpeaceandnotbebitterfromthecardsthatweredrawnforme,youweretheonewhohelpedmefindunderstanding.Andresilience.Hattie,withoutyou,Iwouldhavenone.
Youaremyrock.
Youaremyperson.
YouarethesolereasonIwasconvincedIcouldbeamomwhenmyhusbandwasconstantlyaway…andwhenIlosthim.
AndwhenIwasdiagnosedwithbreastcancer,youwerethereformeeverystepoftheway.Iknowthisisn’twhatwe’dhoped,butyouknowwhat?HattieHoo,I’ddothislifealloveragainifitmeantyouwereatmyside,cheeringforme,guidingme,andfillingmewithjoy.
Iknowthisishard,andIknowlosingmewon’tbeeasyonyou,butIhavealltheconfidenceintheworldthatifanyoneisgoingtokeepmyspiritaliveandshowmydaughterthekindofmotherI’dhavebeenforher,itwillbeyou.
Asyouknow,RylandhascustodyofMac,butIneedyoutoteachherourways.Sheneedstoknowhowtomakethealmondcherrycookiestherightway.Sheneedstoknowhowtopickouttheperfecttablecloth.Sheneedstoknowwheretofindthebestseaglass,andhowtolookupatthestars.Ineedyoutoteachhereverything,everythingItaughtyou…includingJakeRyan.IwillhauntyouifyoutellherPatrickisbetter.
Andfinally,Iwantyoutoliveyourlifetoitsfullest.Spreadyourjoy.Impartyoursmileonthegrumpiestofpeople.DriveAubreenutswithyourconstantchattering.ScareRylandwheneveryougetthechancejusttoremindhimhe’salive.Fallinlove.Falloutoflove.Andfallinloveagain.
Makemistakes.
Laughaboutthetribulations.
Celebratethetriumphs.
Andaboveallelse,knowthatyouarethemostgenuine,loving,intelligenthumanIknow.Youwilldogreatthingsinthislife,Hattie.AndIpromisetowatchoveryoueverystepoftheway.
Iloveyou.
Yoursis,
Cassidy
IsetthecarddownandthenburymyheadinmyhandsasIsobuncontrollably.Maggieisimmediatelyatmyside,herhandonmyback,rubbingsoothingcircles.
AndI’mnotsurehowlongwestaylikethat,butittakesmeawhiletopullmyselftogether.
“Areyouokay?”MaggiefinallyasksasIliftmyhead.Shehandsmeanapkinfromthetable,andIdabatmyeyes.
“I…Iwasn’texpectingthat.”Ishakemyhead.“Ithoughtsheforgotaboutme.”
“Cassidywouldnever,”Maggiesays
“But…everyonegotacard,everyonebutme,Ijustassumed.”Iletoutanothersob.“God,Ican’tbelieveIthoughtthatabouther.Thatshewouldforgetme.Instead,shetriedtomakemybirthdayspecial.”
Maggieturnsmetofaceherandmeetsmyeyeswithhers.“Youlistentome,andyoulistentomegood.Thispackageisnottomakeyoufeelbadortosecond-guesseverythingthatyouthoughtorsaid.Thispackageshouldbringyoutheclosureyou’vebeenlookingfor.Doyouunderstandme?”
Inodbecauseshe’sright.Ihavebeenlookingforthis.Searchingforit,actually.WheneveryoneelsegotlettersfromCassidy,Iwastheonewhowaswaiting,beggingforsomethingfromher,andit’sfinallyhere.I’mnotgoingtodampenthatgiftbyquestioningmyactions.
Isittallerandnod.“Yes,Iunderstandyou.”
“Good.”Shepicksuponeofthepresentsandhandsittome.“Thenlet’senjoywhatshepickedoutforyou.”
Onadeepbreath,andwithMaggiesittingnexttome,Iopenthefirstpresent.Justbyfeelingit,Iknowwhatitis.
Ajarofourfavoritepickles.
There’sapinknoteattachedtoit,soIreaditoutloud.“‘ImadeDeeDeeColemansweartomethatshe’llalwayshavetheseinstock.Shegavemeherword.Chowdown.’”
Maggiehandsmethenextgift,andIopenit.AshirtthatsaysILoveJakeRyan.AsnortpopsoutofmebeforeIcanstopmyself.Ireadtheattachednote.“‘Irequireyoutowearthisatleastonceamonth,andyoubetterwearitwithpridebecauseyouknowI’mright.’”
“She’sright.”Maggienudgesmyarm.
“Ibegtodiffer.”
Maggiehandsmeanotherpackage.Iopenitandfindavintagetableclothwithagiantcoffeestainfrontandcenter.Ilaughandwipemynosewiththebackofmyhand.“‘FoundthisatDaysGoneByandhelditforyourbirthday.ThebrownspotmademethinkofthebrownspotsyouusedtoleaveinyourdiaperwhenIchangedyou.’”Ilaughevenharder.“OhmyGod,whatiswrongwithher?”
“That’smyfavoritegiftsofar.”Maggiereachesintothebox.“Twoleft.”
Iopenupthenextone,andit’sanautographedHayesFarrowalbum.
“OhJesus,ifsheonlyknew,”MaggiewhispersasIreadtheletter.
“‘Don’tactlikeyouneverlikedhismusic.I’mcallingyououtonit.Justdon’tletRylandcatchyouwiththis.Andyes…Igotitsignedforyou.You’rewelcome.’”
IstaredownatthepictureofHayesonthefront,hisleathernecklacestrungaroundhisneckandglidingdownhisthickpecs.ThescruffonhisjawthatI’vefeltbetweenmythighs,andthosegrayeyesthatstillhauntmydreams
“Okay,enoughofthat,”Maggiesays,takingthealbum.“Wemightstillbealittlerawfromthissituation.Actually,IthinkImightjustkeepthisformyself.Asabestfriend,Ithinkthat’smyduty.”
Itakethealbumfromher,laughing.“Nicetry.Imighthatelovehim,butthisisfromCassidy,soI’llbekeepingit.”
“Okay,butyouknow,I’dtakeonthatburdenifyouwantmeto.”
“Sure.”Irollmyeyes.
“Okay,lastone.”MaggiehandsmeaflatboxandrestsherheadonmyshoulderasIunwrapit.
Ipopthelidoffthebox,pushbackthetissuepaper,andfindafolded-uppieceofpaper.
“Whatisit?”Maggieasks.
“Idon’tknow,”IanswerasIunfoldit.It’sadocument,andittakesmeafewsecondstoreadit,butwhenIdo,Igaspoutloud.
“Whatisit?”Maggieasks,sittingtallandholdinghalfofthedocumenttogetabetterlookatit.
“It’s…”MythroatiscloggedwithemotionsasIwhisper,“It’stheownershipofTheAlmondStore.Shegaveittome.”
“What?”Maggieasks,hervoicerisingasshetakesitfromme.That’swhenIseetheletteratthebottomofthebox.WhileMaggielooksoverthedocument,Ireadthenote.
I’msureyouquestionedeveryoneofmychoices,butItrulywantedtogiveyouamomenttobreatheaftermydeath.Iwantedtomakesureyoucouldfocusonyourselfbeforeyoufocusonpreservingme,andIknowthat’swhatyouwouldhavedoneifIgavethistoyourightaway.Hopefully,you’vehadsometimetofigurethingsout,toatleastgatheryourfeelingstogether,becauseHattieHoo,yourjourneyisabouttostart.
Thisshopisyours.
Itmighthavebeenmyidea,butitwasyourexecutionthatmadeitcometolife.
Idon’twantanyoneelseinchargeofitbesidesyou.Aubreehasbeenholdingittogether,butshebelongsonthefarm,andyoubelonginthissafespacewecreated.Iknowyou’llcarryonmylegacywithinthesewalls.AllIaskisthatwhenMacisoldenough,yougiveherthechancetoworkhere,youteachherthethingsItaughtyou,andwhenthetimecomes,youpassitontoher.
Iloveyou.
Dogreatthings,HattieHoo.
Lovehard.
Livefreely.
Andforme…laughoften.
Itiltmyheadback,closingmyeyesasItakedeepbreaths,silentlythankingCassidy.
IpromiseI’llmakesureMacknowsandlovesyoudeeply,Cassidy.
Thatsheknowsallofourways.
Ipromiseshe’llloveTheAlmondStore.Thatifshewishes,itwillbeherlegacyaswell.
IpromiseI’llmakeyouproud,Cassidy.
Ipromise.
***
“Wow,”Rylandsays,shakinghisheadandlookingoverthelettersCassidyleft,hiseyesmisty.“Iwishshe’dhavetoldus.Itwouldhavesavedalotofheartache.”Hepassesthelettersbacktome.
MaggieissittingwithMacinthelivingroom,playingwithChewyCharlesontheairmattressthatMachasclaimedtobeherswhileIsitatthetablewithAubreeandRyland,showingthemeverythingCassidyleftme.
“I’mjustrelievedInolongerhavetoworryabouttheshop.Ilovethatstoreforwhatitis,butrunningit…no,thankyou.”
“Iwonderifthisiswhyherlawyercalledmetheotherday,”Rylandsays.“We’vebeenplayingphonetag,butI’massumingithastodowiththis.”
“Hereachedouttoyou?”Iask.
Rylandnodsandstrokeshisjaw.“Yeah,I’llbehonest,ittookmeasecondtocallhimbackbecauseIwasworriedhehadanotherpieceofinformationthatwasgoingtorockus,andIwasn’tsureIwasreadyforit,butthis…thiscouldnothavecomeatabettertime.”
“Doyouthinkit’sokaythatIdidn’tfinishschool?”
“Shegaveyouthedeed,”Aubreesays.“Idon’tthinkitmatters.Itmighthavebeenatechnicalityinthewilltomakesureyoutriedtofinish,but…itsayseffectiveJune1,you’retheowner.Whichmeans…we’regoingtohavetoworkhandinhandtomakesuretheshop’sneedsaremet.”
Ismileather.“Idon’tmindthat…doyou?”
Sheshakesherhead.“Aslongasyoudon’tchattermyearoffandmakemehaveawkwarddinners.”
“Thatdinnerwasawkwardbecauseofyou,notme.”
Maccomesrunningintothekitchen,holdingherstomach.“I’mhungry.Whatarewehavin’fordinner?”
“I’mgoingtogopickupsomesandwiches,”Rylandsaysasheliftsfromthetable.
“MaggieandIwillgogetthem,”Isay,standingaswell.“Ineedsomefreshairanyway.”
“Thatworks.I’llgetMacintoabath,andthenwecanhavedinnertogether.”
“Andthenhaveajumpingparty,”Macsays,raisingherarmstothesky.
“Or…wecanwatchsomeSuperKittieswhiletheadultsprocesstheheavydaywehad,”Rylandsays.
“Yay!”Macsprintsawayandupthestairs.
“I’lltextyoumyorder,”RylandsaysashejogsafterMac.
“I’lltextyoutoo,”Aubreesaysassheleansbackinherchair,reliefsetinhershoulders.Ican’timaginewhatshemustbefeelingrightnow.
SoIwalkovertoherandtugonherhand,forcinghertostand.Whenshedoes,Iwrapmyarmsaroundher.
“Iloveyou,Aubree.”
She’sstiffforamoment,butthensherelaxesintomyembraceandsqueezesmehard.
Shedoesn’tsayanythingbutdoesn’tneedto.Iknow.Herheavybreathsandthefeelofherarmsaroundmeshowmethatherbottled-upstresshasbeenalleviated.
WhenIpullaway,Ilookherinherglassyeyesandholdoutmyhandtoher.“Businesspartner?”
Awaterysmilepassesoverherlipsassheshakesmyhand.“Businesspartner.”
Iofferherasmile.“Istillexpectyoutohelpintheshop,especiallywithEthel.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Inyourdreams.”
***
HAYES
“Soyou’renotgoingtotalk?”Abelasksashesitsacrossfromme.
“Whatdidyouexpectmetodo?”Iask.“Gababouthowshittymylifeis?”
“Yeah.”
Ipushbackinmychairandtwistmybeeronthetableinfrontofme.“Nothappening.”
“Okay,thenwhydidyouagreetomeetmefordinner?”
“Itwaseitherthatoryouwerecomingtomyhouse.Sincekickingyououtofmyhouseisalotharderthanjuststandingandleavingarestaurant,Ichosemeetingyou.”
“Soundlogic.”Hetakesabiteofthepickleonhisplate.“ButIdidbuyyoudinner.Therefore,it’sarequirementforyoutotalktome.Outofcourtesy.”
“Whatthehelldoyouwantmetosay?”Iask,tossingmyhandup.“HattieandIarenolongertogether.Mymomextortedmeformoney.AndI’mprettysureI’moutofalabelcontractthatcouldhavedistractedmefromtherestofthebullshitinmylife.”
“Yeah,Ihearyou.Butdon’tyouthinkit’sgoodyoucan’trelyonthekindofdistractionyouusedto?”heasks.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Hedabshismouthwithanapkin.“Anytimeanythinghastriggeredyou,you’veresortedtopastbehaviors.Gettinglostinsex,alcohol,ordrugs.”
“Idon’tdodrugsanymore.”
“WhichI’mhappytohear,”hesays.“Whataboutsex…”
“What’sthepoint?”Iask,tippingbackmybeer.“NoonewillcomparetoHattie.”
Andthat’sthefuckingtruth.She…Igotsolostineverythingaboutthatwoman,andthenIwentandblewit.Isaidtheshittiestthingstoherduringalowpointinmylife,andIfuckedup.Doesshedeservebetter?Ofcourse.Shouldshebeasfarawayfrommeaspossible?Fuckyes,sheshould.Doesn’tmeanitdoesn’thurt,though.Doesn’tmeanIdon’tmissher.
Doesn’tmeanIdon’tthinkabouthereverysecondofeverygoddamnday.
“Fromthesaginyourshouldersandyouravoidanceofeyecontact,I’mgoingtopresumeyoubelieveyoumessedupwhenyoupushedHattieaway.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,Ididtherightthing.”
“Forwhoexactly?”Abelasks.“BecausefromwhatIknow,Hattieishurting,you’rehurting,andnothinggoodhascomefromthisbreakup.”
“Hattie’shurting?”Iask,sittingalittletaller.
“LastIspoketoRyland,hehadtoforcehertomoveinwithhimbecauseshewasjustcryinginherbedinherapartmentdayinanddayout.NooneknewyoubrokeupwithheruntilherbestfriendaskedAubreetocheckonherbecauseshehadn’theardfromher.”
“Shit,”Imutter.
“Yeah,exactly.Soremindmehowthisishelpinganyone?”
“It’snotthateasy,”Isay.“IknowImessedup,Abel,butIalso…I’mbroken,man.I’mnotinapositiontobeabletobethereforsomeone.TobethereforHattie,whoneedssomeonestronginherliferightnow.”Andtherealcruxoftheproblem?AsmuchasIdoloveher…she’shuman.“Nottomention,howdoIknowshewon’tturnherbackonmeoneday?”
“Oh,likeyouturnedyourbackonher?Prettysureshe’slearningfromexperiencerightnow.”Iturnaway,andbecausehe’sAbel,hewon’tletmesithereandstew,soheadds,“How’severythinggoingwiththeextortion?”
Ibrushmyhandacrossthetopofmythigh,pushingoffanimaginarypieceoflint.“Rubenlocatedthesecuritycamera,anditwasMatt.Somylawyersaredrawingupthepaperworktoscaretheshitoutofhim,andmymotherforthatmatter.RubenisalsodrawinguparestrainingorderformymothersoIwon’tbebotheredbyheranymore.”
“Wow,okay,sothat’sprettymuchtakencareof.”
“Yeah,”Imutter.
“Sothenwhyareyousittingacrossfrommelikeyou’restillwaitingfortheworsttohappen?”
“Theworsthashappened,”IsayasIstandfromthetable.
“Letmeguess,I’veannoyedyoutothepointthatnowyou’regoingtoleave.”
“Yup,”IsaywhileIpushmychairin.Ipickupmybottle,draintherestofit,andthenstarttowardthedoorasAbelstopsmebygrabbingmywrist.
WhenIlookdownathim,hesays,“You’rebetterthanthis,Hayes.You’vegrown.You’veevolved.Justbecauseit’sscarydoesn’tmeanyouneedtoavoidit.Hattiebelongswithyou.Weallseeit.Youjustneedtoseeit.”
Heletsgoofmywrist,andinsteadofresponding—becausefrankly,Ihavenothingtosay—Imakemywaytowardthedoor.Ionlyhadonebeer,butjusttobesure,IfeellikeawalkaroundthebeachwillhelpmeclearmymindandmakesurethatI’mgoodtodrivemybike.
InodtowardthecashierandthenpushopenthedoortoTheHotPickle,turnthecornertowardthebeach,andrunsmackintoHattieonthesidewalk.
Fuck.
Shetumblesintomychest,Maggierightnexttoher,andaslewofapologiescomeoutofhermouthasIrightherbytheshouldersandputaboutafootofdistancebetweenus.Whenshefinallylooksupatme,anotherapologyabouttofallfromherlips,hereyeswiden.
“H-Hayes,”shesays,lookingjustasstunnedasIfeel.
Itakeanotherstepbackandstickmyhandsinmypockets,preventingmyselffromfeelingheragain.“Sorry,didn’tseeyouthere.”
“I…Ididn’tseeyoueither.”
Thatmuchisevident.Norwereeitherofusexpectingtorunintoeachother.
Awkwardly,IshiftasIsay,“I’ll,uh,I’llgetoutofyourway.”
ButIdon’tmove.
Notevenafuckinginchbecauseseeingherhasstunnedasme,rendersmeuselessinthismomentasmyheartthumpsagainstmyribcage,beggingtoreachouttoher.
Holdher.
Takeherintomyarmsandneverlethergo.Instead,Istareather.
Inoticethefaintestdarknessunderhereyes,indicatingcountlessnightsoflostsleep.Minerivalherswithdepthsofregretandhatredformyself.Herhairispulledbackintoahighponytailbutisslightlyaskew,makingherlooksofuckingadorablethatit’spainfultohaveherhereinfrontofme.
YetIstilldon’tmove.
Ican’t.
Notwhen…notwhenIneverstoppedlovingher.
Notwhen—
“You’reanasshole.”Startledbytheharshwords,IglanceoverHattie’sshouldertoafumingMaggie.Afuming,protective,readytopounceMaggie.“Didyouhearme?”sherepeats.“Isaidyou’reanasshole.”
“Maggie,”Hattiewhispers,lookingembarrassed.“IthinkeveryoneonAlmondAveheardyou.”
“Ihopetheydid.”Maggiepropsherhandsonherhipsdefensively.“Ican’tbelieveItouchedyourfaceandsaidyouwerehandsome.Imean…sureyou’restillhandsome,andthisaddedscrufftoyourjawdoesn’thelpourcaseoverhereofhatingyou,buthowcouldyoubesocrueltomyfriendHattie?”
“Maggie,it’sfine.”
“It’snotfine,”Maggiesays,hereyesonme.“Youhurtherandfornoreason.She’sagoodperson,atrustworthyperson,andyou’reluckyyouevenhadachancewithher.”
“Maggie—”
“She’sright,”Isay,headtilteddown,barelylookingupatHattie.“Maggieisright.Iwaslucky.”
Hattie’seyeslifttomineinsurprise.Thosebeautiful,soulfuleyesI’vespentmanynightsstaringinto,theysplitmeinhalf,crushingmyheartbetweenmyribs.
Fuck,Iamsuchamoronforpushingheraway.
“See,atleasthe’sintelligentenoughtoknowthathewaslucky.”MaggieloopsherarmthroughHattie’s.“Let’sgetoutofhere,wehavesandwichestopurchase,enoughtimehasbeenwastedlettinghimstareatyouandfeelhisregrets.”
MaggietugsHattieawayandimmediatelyIfeelmyheartleapoutofmychest,beggingmetostopthem,tryingtoknocksomesenseintomyhead.
Blameitonmydesperation,butbeforeIcanstopmyself,myfingersreachoutanddragoverthebackofherhandandoverherknucklesasshewalksby.
Agaspescapesherlipsjustintimeforhertolookupandmatchmygazewithhers.
Inthatmoment,withherlookingupatme,Ifeeltimeslowdownandthememoriesofusflashthroughmymind.Fondmemoriesthatpumpedlifeintomylungs,jump-startedmyheartagain…
Memorieslikewhenshefirstshoweduponmyporchwithherboxofstolenpossessions,revengeonhermind.
Herinthemiddleofmylivingroom,listeningtotheMamasandthePapaswithlettersscatteredaroundher.
Hersittingonmycounter,showingmehowtomakecookies.
Sittingunderthestarswithher,staringupattheskythatgroundedusthroughoutourlives.
Ourfirstkiss…
Itstrikesmelikeatornado,spiralingthroughmybody,hittingmeleftandrightwithwhatshouldhavebeen…whatcouldbe.
“Hattie…”myvoicecroaksinnearsilence,mythroattight,myapologyonthetipofmytongue.
ButIdon’tgetachancetosayanythingelseasMaggietugshertowardthesandwichshop,Hattieturningaway,offeringmeherverycold,verydistantshoulder.
Fuck.
Myheartsinks.
Whatcouldhavebeen…
Probablyforthebetter.Ipushedherawayforareason,butthatknowledgedoesn’trefrainmefromsqueezingmyhandsintofistswiththefeelofherskinonmyfingertipsasfrustrationtripsthroughme.
IfuckedupandI’mpayingforitnow.
***
HATTIE
“Whywouldhedothat?”IaskasIshoveanotherdonutinmymouth.
Afterdinner,wesetMaggieupwithpillows,blankets,andsheetsforherairmattress.ThisofcoursewasdoneafterMacwasputtobedforthenightbecauseifshewasstillaround,theblanketsandsheetswouldhavebeenusedforafort,andweneverwould’vegottenheruptoherroom.
Maggiedabsathermouthwithanapkinandsays,“Explainittomeagain?”
Irollmyeyes.“Howmanytimesdowehavetogooverthis?”
“Atleastonemore.I’msorry,I’mstillreelingoverthefactthatItoldHayesFarrowhe’sanasshole.Positivelyshakingoverhere,soexcusemeformylackofcomprehension.”
“Yeah,I’mstillalittleshookfromyourbrazennessaswell,”Ireply.Maggieisloyaltohercore,woulddefendmetothemoonandback,butneverinmywildestimaginationwouldIhavepicturedMaggietellingHayesoffinfrontofasandwichshop.Iwasequallystunnedandproud…andgrateful.
“Don’ttreatmyfriendlikeshitandIwon’tcallyouanasshole,simpleasthat.”Sheshrugs,tryingtoplayitcool,butIknowdamnwell,shewasshakingjustasmuchasmeinthatmoment.
“YoucalledHayesanasshole?”Rylandasks,walkingintothelivingroomwithabeerinhand.Hetakesaseatonthecouch,shovingmyblankettowardmeandlettinghimselfgetcomfortable.
“Idid,”Maggiesays,puffingherchestwithpride.“Isaiditrighttohisface.”
“Ah,tohisface.Sonottohiselbow?”Rylandjokes.
Maggiesmirks.“Ithoughtabouthiselbow,butIdidn’tthinkitwouldbeaseffectiveorasmenacing.Conversationstotheelbowalthoughanoveltyofenjoyment,nottheimpactIwanted.Facewasthewaytogo.”
“Smartchoice.”Rylandnods.“Although,elbowmighthaveconfusedhim,whichwouldhavebeenentertaining.”
“Weweren’tlookingforentertaining,Ryland,”Maggiesays,makingafist.Sheslamsitontheairmattress,beforesaying,“Wewerelookingforintimidation.Wewantedtomakehimweakinthekneesandnotinagoodway.Wewantedtosetthetonethatweweren’tfallingforhishandsome,scruffyfacedefenseandnowwhenheseesuswalkingthemeanstreetsofAlmondBay,he’llhavepure,nut-shrivelingfearraceuphisspine.”
“Nut-shrivelingfear,huh?HowcomeIcanfeelthatallthewaytomyscrotum?”
“Becausethat’sthekindofpowerusladieshave.”Sheraisesherfisttotheair.“WearetheNutcrackersofAlmondBay.”Shenudgesmewithherfootasanideapassesoverhereyes.“WeneedtomakeT-shirtswiththatsayingonthem.PossiblemerchforTheAlmondStore,somethingtoconsider.”
“CanIbuyone?”Rylandsmirks.
“Womenonly.”
“Hey,I’llcrackanynutsthatbringharmtothewomeninmylife.”
“Isthatso?”Maggiefoldsherarmsoverherchest.“ThenpleaseregalemewiththereasonastowhyHayesstillhadfullintactnutsinhispants.”
“Didyoulookinsidehispants?”Rylandraisesabrowather.“OrhavedoyouhaveX-rayvisionIdon’tknowabout?”
“Idon’tneedtofeelaroundbetweenaman’slegstoknowifhisnutsareattachedornot.It’sallinthewalk,andhewaswalkingaroundlikehisscrotumwasstillhangingpretty.AndIonlysayprettybecauseeventhoughIhatehim,thereisnowayinhellthatmandoesn’thaveaprettypackage.”
“Um,”Iclearmythroat.“CanwepleasebringitbacktowhatIwastalkingabout?Themoment?”
“Oh,right.”Maggiewavesatmetocontinue.“Youweresaying…”
“Well,westartedwiththefactthatheagreedwithyou.”
“Right,”Maggiesays.
“Whatdidheagreewith?”Rylandasks.
“MaggiesaidhewasluckyIevengavehimachanceandthen…”Inalowwhisper,Isay,“Heagreedwithher.”
“Ohwow,it’salmostasifhescandalouslyshowedoffhisankle.”Rylandsipshisbeer,findingfartoomuchjoyinthiswhichisdifferentforhim.Ilovemybrother,butit’snotveryoftenthatherelaxesandrightnow,inthismoment,he’srelaxed.
Wait,isthathisfourthbeer?Ishealittle…drunk?
Maybeheislooseningup.
“Areyoudrunk?”Iaskhim.
“What?”Heshakeshishead.“No.Areyou?”
“No,Ihaven’thadanythingtodrink,butyouhave.You’redrunk.Whenwasthelasttimeyouweredrunk?”
Heshrugs.“Idon’tknow,butAubreeishome,you’rehere,andMaggieishere,whichmeansIhavethreepeoplewhocantakecareofMacifIgetalittletipsy.”Hebringshisbottletohislipsandtakesalongpullbeforesinkingfurtherintothecouch,asmallsmileplayingonhislips.
Huh,neverthoughtaboutthataspectofhislife.Rylandhasalwaysenjoyedhavingafewbeers,nothingcrazy,butheprobablydoesn’tdrinkmuchnowbecausehe’sinchargeofMac,andifanythingweretohappen,he’dwanttobecognizanttotakecareofher.JustanotherthingIneverconsideredabouthowRyland’slifehasbeenturnedupsidedown.
“Notsuremanymenusethewordtipsy,”Maggieteaseshim.
“Notsuremanymenusethewordpottyeither,”Rylandcounters.“ButJesusChrist,theotherdaywhilehangingoutwithAbel,Itoldhim—asagrownassmanwithafewgreyhairsnearhistemple—Ihadtogopotty.Thefuckerhasn’tletmeliveitdown.”Hedragshishandoverhisface.“Hell,I’vespentsomuchtimewithMacthatI’msurprisedIdidn’tannounceIhadtogopotty,gripmycrotch,andthenwaddleofftothebathroom,puttingfearintoAbel’sheartifIwasgoingtomakeitintimeornot.”RylandsighsasMaggieandIbothchuckle,theimagesovividinmymind.“So,”hebringsthebottletohislipsagain,“heshowedoffhisankle,thenwhathappened?”
“Hedidn’treallyshowoffhisankle,”Isay.“Buthesaidthathewasluckythathewaswithme.Andthen,Maggiewasn’thavinganyofit.”
“Becausehe’sanassholewhobrokeourgirl’sheart.”
“Cheerstothat.”Rylandholdsuphisbeerandtakesasip.
“AreyoucheeringtoHayesbeinganasshole,orareyoucheeringtoHattie’sheartbeingbroken?”Maggieasks.
“Theassholething,obviously,”hesays.
“Good.”Maggiefluffsupherpillow.
“Anyway…”Icarryoninanannoyedtone,becausethesetwo…“WhenIwaswalkingawaywithMaggie…”Ipauseandleanforwardfordramaticeffect.“Hisfingergrazedmyhand.”WhenMaggieandRylanddon’tsayanything,Inod,confirmingwhattheyheard.“Yup,hegrazedmyhand.”
“Andthereitis.”Maggielaysdownonherbedwithaplop.“Thelove.”
“Youthinkthat’swhatitis?”Iask.
“Whatelsecoulditbe?”
“Maybehetwitched,andhishandaccidentallybrushedyours,”Rylandsays,notbeinghelpful.
“Thatistheworstexplanationyoucouldhaveoffered.Waytobeadud,”Maggiesays.
“Howisthatbeingadud?Doyouevenwanthimbrushinghishandagainstyours?”Rylandlooksoveratme,hisinquisitionmakingmefeelunsure.So,IofferhimaIshrug.
Heeyesmewiththatbigbrothergazehe’sgivenmemany,manytimes.
“No,IguessIdon’twanthimbrushingagainstme.”Ifeelmyshoulderssag.“Hehurtme,andit’sthekindofhurtthatIdon’tthinkiseasilyerasable.Nottomention,hepushedmeawayforareason,becausehedidn’twantme—”
“Bullshit,we’vebeenoverthis.”Rylandsetshisbottleontheemptycoffeetable.“Hepushedyouawayonpurpose.Wasitsmart?No.Buttrustme,whenHayesishurtandspiraling,hedoesnothingbetterthanself-sabotaging…alsoknowntohimasself-preservation.Hebrokeupwithyoubecause,inhismind,itwaseasiertopushyouawaythansuffertheblowifyoueverpushedhimaway.”Rylandrestshisheadonhispropped-uparm.“Youcanblamehisparentsforthatandprobablyme.I’msuremeabandoninghimwasthecherryontopofhisabandonmentissues.”
“Buthesaidhecouldn’ttrustme,”Isay.
“Yeah,hecan’ttrustyounottoleavehim.Thinkaboutit,Hattie.Ifyouwereinhisposition,whereyourparentsleftyouonpurposebecause,inyoureyes,youweren’tgoodenoughforthemtostickaround,you’dhaveaveryhardtimedealingwiththataswell.Addontopofthatyourbestfriendbelievingyou’rethescumoftheearthanddeletingyoufromtheirlifeaswellaseveryoneintheworldwantingsomethingfromyoubecauseofyourfameandnotbecauseofyouasaperson,you’dbejadedtoo.”
“So…areyouonhisside?”Maggieasks.
“No,I’monHattie’sside.Ithinkwhathedidtoherwasshit.Theonlydifferenceis,Iunderstandwhyhedidwhathedid.Notsayingit’sright,justsayingIunderstandwhy.Andtobringthisfullcircle,thehandbrushing…itprobablywasbecausehemissesyou.”
“Ohno,youdon’t.”Maggiesitsup,wagglingherfingeratRyland.“Don’tyoudareputthosethoughtsinherhead.Wedon’tneedherthinkingthismanwhobrokeherheartisouttherepiningforher.”
“Yeah,Idon’tthinkIcouldhandlethat,”Isay,myvoicesofter.“BetweenlosingHayesandreceivingCassidy’spackage,Ihonestlydon’tthinkIcantakemuchmore.”
“Well,letmeaskyouthis.Ifhecameandapologized,ifheaskedforyouback…”Rylandpauses.“Wouldyoutakehimback?”
“Wouldyou?”Maggieasks,whippingherheadaroundtolookatme.
MyheartimmediatelyscreamsyesbecauseIlovehim.Imisshim.Iwanttoholdhimandhelphimthroughhispain.
Butmyhead…that’sadifferentstory.Myheadisprotectingmyheart,tellingmeIshouldn’tgivehimasecondchancebecausehehurtmesobadthefirsttime.
“Idon’tknow,”Isay,bitingonthecornerofmylip.“Ireallydon’tknow.”
***
HAYES
Ruben:It’sbeentakencareof.
Hayes:Everything?
Ruben:Everything.Includingtherestrainingorder.
IstareupattheceilingwhereI’vebeenlookingforwhatfeelslikethepasthour.
Everythingisdone.
Idon’tneedtoworryaboutmymomcomingback,aboutMattextortingme…yetIfeelnothing.
Idon’tfeelrelief.
Idon’tfeelsatisfaction.
Ijustfeel…empty.
Butthat’swhathappens,right?Pushingtheonegoodthingoutofyourlifetendstomakeyoufeelabsolutelynothing.Youjustturnnumb.
That’swhereI’mat.
Numb.
Notafuckingthought,emotion,orpinchoflifepassingthroughme.
Isetmyphonedownonthecoffeetableandconsiderreachingformyguitar,butthere’snouse.IknowI’lljuststrumthesamechordsoverandoveragain,thechordsthatremindmeofHattie,ofthesongIwroteabouther.
Andit’snotlikeI’monadeadlineanymore.
NotlikeIneedtocomeupwithsomethingnewtoappeaseothers.
Icanreallydowhat’sbestforme
SohowcomeI’mnotdoingthat?
HowcomeI’mnotfiguringoutawaytomakemefeelagain?
Becausetheonething,theonepersonthatmademefeel,Ibrokeher.
Shedoesn’twantmeback.Iknowthattobethetruth.
Thesoundofacarpullingintothedrivewayattractsmyattention.IliftonthecouchjustintimetoseeRylandwalkuptothehouse,hisheadbentdown,apurposefulstridetohiseverystep.
Whatthehellishedoinghere?
Astrongknockechoesthroughthemorethanemptyhome,andImakemywayfromthecouchtothefrontdoor.
WhenIopenit,hedoesn’tbothersayinghi.Hejustwelcomeshimselfinandheadsrighttothecouchwherehetakesaseat.
Okay.
Ishutthedoorbehindhimandfollowhimintothelivingroom,whereIsay,“Uh…wantadrinkorsomething?”
“No.”Hepresseshishandstohislegs,lookingjittery.“Takeaseat.”
Confused,Isit,andwhenhiseyeslevelwithmine,hesays,“I’msorry.”
Okay,wasnotexpectingthat.
CouldIseehimgearinguptopunchmyfacein?Yup.
MaybelecturemeonhowI’msuchadickforhurtinghissister?Absolutely
Butanapology?No,notevenforasecondwouldIhavebelievedthatcomingoutofhismouth.
“Forwhat?”Iask.
“Fortreatingyouthewayyourparentstreatedyou.”
Oh…fuck…
“Ryland,that’snot—”
“Don’tgivemeanyexcuses,”hesays,lookingmoreseriousthanever.“Ioweyouthis.”Hetakesadeepbreathandsays,“Youdeservedsomuchmorethanmyaccusations.Youdeservedmorethanmybetrayal.Iabandonedyou.Youdeservedmytrust,myfriendship,andyet,Iturnedmybackonyou.Thatwasshittyofme,andthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreIknow…youwouldn’thavedonethattome.Youwouldneverhavebetrayedmebecauseyourloyaltyisoneofyourbestqualities.It’swhywebecamefriendsinthefirstplace…whenyoudefendedmeontheplaygroundfromLyonelRedbach.Youstuckbymysideeversince,andtheminuteIthoughtyouwrongedme,Ipushedyoutotheside.”Heshakeshishead.“It’sinexcusable,andI’msorry.”
“Youwereinashitheadspace,”Isay.
“Don’texcuseme.”
“Butit’strue.”Idon’tletup.“Ishouldhavefollowedupwithyou,Ishouldhavetalkedtoyouwhenyoucooleddown,butIactedlikeastubbornass—”
“Youactedlikesomeonewho’dalreadylosthistrustinthepeoplesupposedtoloveyouandbethereforyou.There’snoexcuse,Hayes.IfuckedupandI’msorry.”
Uncomfortable,Ismoothdownmyjeanswithmypalmsandsay,“Well,waterunderthebridge.”
“No,it’snot.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask.
“Itmeansthatweneedtofixthis.”
“Whatmoreistheretofix?”Ipullonmyhat.“Youwanttobetextingfriendsnow?”
Hechucklesandshakeshishead.“ImeanwithHattie.”
Oh.
Shouldhaveknownhewashereforthat.
“Listen—”
“No,youlisten,”Rylandsays,hisvoiceturningdarker.“Itoldyounottofuckinghurther,didn’tI?”Inod.“Andyoudid.”
“I’m—”
“I’mnotfinished,”hesays.“Theonlyreasonyou’renottastingmyfistrightnowisbecauseIknowyouactuallydidn’twanttopushHattieaway,butyoudiditasadefensemechanism.”
“Shecoulddosomuchbetter,”Isay,droppingmyshoulders.
“That’swhereyou’rewrong.”Hiseyesringsincereashesays,“I’veseenheratherhappiestandI’veseenheratherworst,andwhenIsayshewasextremelyhappywithyou,Imeanit.Therewaspurejoyinhereyesduringadarktime.Thispastweek,watchingthatdarknesscreepbackin,it’skilledme,becauseIknowthiscouldbeavoided.Thisheartbreak,Hayes,itcouldbeavoided.”
Ishakemyhead.“I’m…I’mnotthekindofmanwho’sstrongenoughforher.”Igripthebackofmyneckandwhisper,“I’mscared.”
“Iknowyouare.Youractionswreakofbeingscared.Butpushingthepeopleawaywhomattermosttoyou,thatwillonlybringyoulonelinessandfuck,Hayes,don’tyouwanttobehappy?Don’tyouwanttogetoverthisfuckinghillyou’vebeenclimbingforhowmanygoddamnyears?Isn’tittimetostoprunningfromthehurtofthepast,acceptthatithappened,andmoveon?You’rebetterthanthis,youdeservebetterthanthis,andyoushouldreallygiveyourselfthechancetoactuallybehappy.”
Isigh,leaningbackonthecouch.“Shehatesme.”
“Shedoesn’t,”hereplies.“Shemightbehurt,buttrustmewhenIsay,shedoesn’thateyou.Sheactuallylovesyou.”
“Shedoes?”Iask.“AftereverythingIsaid?”
Rylandnods.“Shedoes.AndI’mgoingtotellyourightnow,ifyoudon’tgoafterherandmakethisright,you’regoingtohavetodealwithme.Imighthaveletyouslidethefirsttime,notthesecond.”
Iglancetotheside.ThethoughtofgoinguptoHattieandtellingherhowmuchIloveher,howfuckingsorryIamisveryoverwhelming.
“I’m…I’mnotintherightheadspace.”
“Becauseyouwon’tallowyourselftobeintherightheadspace.”Rylandleanscloser,andheknocksmykneewithhishand.“You’reworthit,dude.AndI’mnotjustsayingthatbecauseIdon’twanttoseemysisterhurting.IfIthoughtyou’dfuckheroverinthelongrun,Iwouldn’tbehererightnow.I’dbehelpinghermoveon.Butseeingyoutwotogether,it’sspecial.Andlookatme.”Hepausesforoureyestomeet.“Don’tyouwanttobehappy?Afteralloftheshityou’vebeenthrough,don’tyouwanttositinthislifesurroundedbyjoy?TellmethelasttimeyoufeltthatbeforeHattie?”
IgiveitsomedeepthoughtbecauseIwasn’thappyevenatthehighestpointsofmycareer.IhadnoonetoshareitwithbesidesGranandAbel,butevenatthat,Ididn’tsharethatmuch.Ididn’tcomehome,knowingRylandwashere.Ididn’ttalkwithmymom,knowingwhatshe’daskofme.SoIisolatedmyself,evenonthebiggestdaysofmylife…Iisolated.SothelasttimeIwastrulyhappy…
“Whenitwasyou,me,andAbelhangingout,”Isay.“Abandofbrothers.Thoseweremybestdays.Thosewerethedaysthatmatteredtome.”
Rylandslowlynods.“Thenlet’smakeithappen.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Rylandpullsouthisphoneandhandsittome.“Addyourself.Ithinkwe’retextingfriendsnow.”
AlargelaughpopsoutofmeasIshakemyhead.“Don’tbeadouche.”
Helaughstoo.“I’mserious,man.Iwantthingsthewaytheyweretoo.Imisstalkingtoyou.Imissourfriendship.Ihaveforalongtime,butIwasjusttoofuckingstubborntoadmitit.”
“Andyou’readmittingitnowbecauseyou’vebeenlisteningtothoserecordsIleftyou,haven’tyou?”
Hesmirks.“TheReason,man,thatsong…fuck,it’scatchy.”
Ismile.“SoI’vebeentold.”Isighandpushmyhandthroughmyhair.“Shereallylovesme?”
“Shedoes.”
“AftereverythingIdid?”
“Yup.”Hemustseemewaverbecauseheadds,“Andhonestly,dude,fuckyourdad,fuckyourmom,fucktheRylandwhodidn’ttrustyou.Thatshitisinthepast.Letitstaythere,andletyourselfbehappy.”
Iwanttobehappy.
FuckdoIwantthatmorethananything,andthehappiestI’veeverbeenwaswithHattieinmylife.AmIscared?Morethanever.
I’vebeenfuckedoverfartoomanytimestoeverreallytrustsomeoneagain,butisthathowIwanttolivemylife?No.IrealizedthatquicklythemomentIpushedHattieaway.Iloststabilityinmylife.Ilostlove.Ilosttheabilitytojustfeelsomething,anything.Returningtoanumbstateisn’thowIwanttolivethislifeI’vebeengranted.Iwanttofeelsomethingdeepinmybones.I’vebeenlivinginthisimmobilizedstateforsolongthatthemomentHattieentered,Iactuallyfeltlikeshekickstartedmyheartagain.Ifeltwarm,likemybloodwaspumpingforthefirsttimeinyears.
AndIwantthat.
Don’tyouwanttogetoverthisfuckinghillyou’vebeenclimbingforhowmanygoddamnyears?Isn’tittimetostoprunningfromthehurtofthepast,acceptthatithappened,andmoveon?
Iwantthat.Iwantallofthat.
Forever.
“Iwanttobehappy,”Isay.
“Good.”Hestands.“Thenlet’sgomakeyouhappy.”Iliftabrowathim,andherollshiseyes.“Imean,let’sgogetHattie.”
“Rightnow?”
Hetugsonmyarm,makingmestand.“Rightnow.”Hepushesmetowardthedoor.“Imighthavehadpatiencewithyouabouthurtingmysister,butI’mnotgoingtoletyoumakeherwaitanylonger.Let’sgo.”
***
HATTIE
“Weshouldn’thaveeatenthreedonutsyesterday,”Maggiesaysaswerockonthefarmhouse’sporch.“Becausethenwecouldhaveatleasthadsometoday.”
“Youshouldhavegottentwodozen,knowingthatwe’deachhavethree,Macwouldhaveone,andRylandandAubreewouldhavedemolishedtherest.”
“Itwasreallyjustpoorjudgmentonmyend.”
“Itwas.”
Shetiltsherheadtotheside.“Areyoufeelingbetter?”
“Sortof,”Ianswer.“Imean,I’mnotcryingintoapillow,sothat’sprogress.”
“Butyoustillacheforhim?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Whatifyouwentovertohisplaceandmaybetriedtotalktohim?”Maggieasks.
“Andriskgettinghurtagain?”Ishakemyhead.“Hedoesn’twantme.”
“Thefingergrazetellsmedifferently.”
Ipullmylegsintomychest.“Ithoughtyouwerethinkinghewasanasshole,andweweren’tsupposedtolikehimatall.”
Inallseriousness,shelooksatmeandsays,“Iwantyouhappy.Icouldgoeitherway.Icanlovehimbecauseyoulovehim,orIcanhatehimbecausehehurtyou.I’mhereforyou,soyoutakethelead,andI’llfollow.”
Irestmychinonmyarmsandsay,“You’reareallygoodfriend,Maggie.Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou.”
“RememberthatwhenI’mknee-deepinSpeedosonmyvacation.”
“Foryoursake,Ihopethatyouare.”
Fromadistance,Ryland’struckheadsdownthedrivewayearlierthanusual.AlthoughIknowthatMaciswithAubreeatthestoretodayforherafter-preschoolactivity,somethingweallagreedwouldbegoodforhersinceshespentsomuchtimetherewithCassidy.Technically,Itriedtogotothestoretoday,butAubreetoldmeIneededtogetmyheadonstraightfirst,whichIunderstood.Idon’tneedtotakeoverthestoreandfillmyemptinesswithwork.It’snothealthy.She’slearnedfromexperience.
AndI’velearnedalottoooverthelastfewdays.I’vethoughtaboutCassidy’swords,readoverherlettersmanytimes.
Fallinlove.Falloutoflove.Andfallinloveagain.
Makemistakes.
Laughaboutthetribulations.
Celebratethetriumphs.
Andaboveallelse,knowthatyouarethemostgenuine,loving,intelligenthumanIknow.Youwilldogreatthingsinthislife,Hattie.
Ihavetobelieveher,becausesheknewmelikenooneelseinthisworld.SoI’mgoingtotrustinthosewords.Iwasherrock.Herperson.
AndI’mgoingtodogreatthingsinthislife.
Ryland’struckpullsinfrontofthehouse,andtheminuteInoticehe’snotalone,Ifeelallthehairsonthebackofmyneckstandtoattention.
“Whatthehellishedoing?”IwhisperjustasHayesstepsoutofthecar
“OhdearGod,”Maggiesays.“It’ssohardtohatehimwhenhelookslikethat.”
“Maggie,”Iwhisperyellather.
“What?”sheshrugsasifshedidn’tsaythewrongthing.“It’strue.”
“Hey,Hattie,”Hayessays,steppingupontheporch,hishandsclassicallystuffedinhispockets.It’shissignatureposition.“Thinkwecouldtalk?”
IglanceoveratRyland,whogentlynodshishead.Whatdidmybrotherdo?
“Uh…sure,”Isay.
Hayesnodstowardthepotatofields.“Cometakeawalkwithme.”
Istandfrommychairandthenlookdownatmyfeet.“Ineedshoes.”
“Icanwait.”
“Okay,yeah,”Isaywhileroboticallyturningandheadingtowardthehouse.Thankfully,Maggiefollowsmeinside
Wehuddletowardthesidewheremyshoesarelocated,andIwhisper,“Whatthehellishedoinghere?”
Whisperingback,shesays,“Ithinkhe’sheretoconfesshisundyingloveforyou.”
“Youdon’tknowthat,”IsayasIpickupashoe,butMaggieswipesitfrommyhandandgetsdownonherkneestoputitonforme.“Icanputmyshoeon.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Notinthissortofdistress.Andwhyelsewouldhebehere?”
“Idon’tknow,”IsayasIslipmyfootin,andshetiesit.“Tofireme…weneverreallyfinalizedjobthings.AndIhaven’treportedtoworkinawhile,soitcouldbeafiring.”
Maggiepausesandraisesherbrowatmeindisagreement.“Please,wouldyourbrotherbringHayesheresohecouldfireyou?”
“Maybe…”
Sheswatsatmyleg.“Stopit.Youknowhewantstotellyousorryandthathelovesyou.”
“Whatifhedoes?Whatifhesayshewantsmeback?WhatdoIsay?”
Sheslipsonmyothershoe.“Youhavetwochoices.Youcaneitherkickhiminthecrotchandleavehiminthepotatofields,seekingvengeanceforthewayhehurtyou.Oryoucouldlisten,understand,andgivehimanothertry.”Shestandsaftertyingmyshoe.“Kickinghiminthecrotchisagutreactiontoseektemporarysatisfaction,butIthinkthatforgivinghimisawaytoguaranteeanamazinglife.Ifhe’syourperson,andhe’scometomakesureyouenduptogether,takeit.Ifyoutrusthim,leap.”
WhenIglancetotheside,unsure,shegripsmyshouldersandforcesmetolookather.
“Youwanthim.Behappy.Youhaveeverythingliningup.Youhavetheshop,youhavetheclosure,nowgettheguy.”
InibbleonthecornerofmylipasIwince.“Ireallylovehim.”
“Thenlethimgroveltogetyouback.”Shekissesmycheekandthenslapsmeontheass.“Gogethim.”
God,Iloveher.
IpushthroughthescreendoorandwalkuptoHayes.
“Ready?”heasks.
“Yeah,”Ianswer,glancingatRylandquicklywhooffersmeasmile.
Together,HayesandIwalkouttowardthepotatofields,aweirdplacetohaveaconversation,butprobablybetterthansendingRylandandMaggieawaysomewheresoIcanhavesomeprivacywithHayes.
Wewalkalongthedirt,gettingfarenoughawayfromthehousesowehavealotofprivacy.Afterafewsecondsofsilence,Hayessays,“Ifuckedup,Hattie.”
Hopespringsinmychestbecausethere’sadistinctpossibilityhe’sabouttoapologize.Itrulyhopethat’swherehe’sgoingwiththis.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask.
“Withyou,”hesays,turningtowardme.Iturnaswell,andI’mimmediatelycaptivatedbyhislight,pleadingeyes.“IpushedyouawaywhenIshouldhaveclungtoyouforsupport.IsaidhorriblethingstoyouwhenIshouldhavebeensayingtheopposite.AndIdisplacedmyhorriblepastonyouwhenyoudeservednothingbutahappyfuturewithme.”
Hereachesoutandtakesmyhand.Ilethimlinkourfingerstogether.“Yourbirthdaywasperfect.Everythingaboutitandthen…mypastcameknockingonmydoor.It’snotanexcuse,butIwanttobehonest.MymomandMattweretryingtoblackmailme,anditbroughtbackalloftheseuglyfeelings.Itmademefallintoadarkheadspace,andinsteadoftalkingtoyou,Ipushedyouawaysoyoudidn’tenduphurtingmeaswell.”
“Iwouldnever,Hayes.”
“Iknowthat.FuckdoIknowthat,Hattie.AndI’msosorry.I’msofuckingsorrythatIsaidthosethingstoyou.ThatIpushedyouaway,thatImadeyoufeelanylessthanwhatyouare.Becauseyou’resofuckingspecial.Youbreathedoxygenbackintomylungsandmademefeelwhenmyentirebodywaslivinginanumbstate.Becauseofyou,Ilearnedtolove;Ilearnedtofuckingfeel.Mysoulwaswokenupandnurtured…byyou.”Tearswellupinmyeyes,andhetakesastepcloser.“Iloveyou,Hattie.You’retheveryreasonIwakeupinthemorningwithasmileonmyface.You’rethereasonI’mabletostrumaguitarwithanoutpouringofloveflowingthroughme.You’rethereasonthecolorsaroundusaresovivid.You’rethereasonthatwhenIlookupatthestars,Ifeelmorethangrounded,Ifeelatpeace.Andyou’rethereasonI’llspendtherestofmylifemakingsureImakeyoujustashappyasyoumakeme.”
“Hayes,”Isaysoftly,onesingletearfalling.
“Iloveyou,baby.AndI’msorry.I’msofuckingsorry,andifyoucan’tforgivemenow,thenI’llletyoutakeasmuchtimeasyouneed,butIwon’tstoplovingyou.Ineverhave,andIneverwill.”
Iswipeatmytearandgriphishandtighter.“Ineverstoppedlovingyou.It’simpossible.Youhavemyheart,Hayes.”
Hewetshislips,takinganotherstepforward.“Tellmeyouwanttobewithme.Pleasetellmeyouforgiveme.”
Myhandlandsonhischest,andIsay,“Iforgiveyou,Hayes,andIwanttobewithyou.”
Reliefwashesoverhisface,andhebendsforwardtokissme,butIstophimwithmyhandtohismouth,confusinghim.
Whenhepullsaway,Ipointathim.“Butifyouever,andImeanever,treatmelikethatagain,we’redone.Gotit?”
“Itwillneverhappenagain.Iswear.You’remylife,Hattie.”Hepresseshisforeheadtomine.“You’remyeverything.IneedyoumorethanIneedair.I’msorry,baby.I’msofuckingsorry.”
Ibringmyhandsuphischesttohisshouldersashegripsmeatthewaist.“Thankyou,”IwhisperjustasIstandonmytoesandpressmylipstohis.It’ssoftatfirst,ourlipsjustbrushingtogether,butthenhegripsmetighter,andtheurgencytobeclosertakesover.Hishandfloatsuptothebackofmyhead,keepingmeinplaceashismouthrotatesonewayandthenanother
“Fuck,”hemuttersbetweenkisses.“I’vemissedyou.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck,bringinghimintighter.“I’vemissedyou.”
Heartracing,Iletmybodyfeelhis.Ifallintohiskiss,intohistouch,intohisdesperation,andIsoakupeverysecondofitbecausethisiswhatIwant.ThisiswhatIneedaswell.
Him.
Hayes.
Ineedhiminmylife.AnddespitethelossofCassidy,failingoutofmysemester,needingajobandfindingitinthedarkestofplaces,ItrulybelievetherewasareasonIhatedthisman,becausedeepdown…Iwassupposedtolovehim.Epilogue
HAYES
“WhydoIfeellikeIcouldthrowup?”HattieasksasshewalksintothekitchenwearingapairofblueshortsandawhiteT-shirtwithasmallpocketonthebreast.Herhairispinnedbacksoit’shalfupandhalfdown,andshe’swearingmoremascarathanusual.Shelookssofuckinggood.
Andshe’sallmine.
“Idon’tknow,babe.It’snotlikeyouhaven’tworkedtherebefore.”
“Iknow.”Sheshakesherarmsoutbyherside.“Thisisdifferent,though.Itwillofficiallybemine.”
“Whichisagoodthing.”Iwalkuptoherandpullherintomychest,tiltingherchinupwithmyfinger.
“IjustwanttomakeCassidyproud.”
“Youwill,”IsayasIpressakisstoherlips.“Nowgogetyourshoeson.Youdon’twanttobelateforyourfirstday.Aminutelatecounts.”
Sherollshereyes.“Atleastthistime,Idon’thavetobringademandingbosscoffeeinthemorning.”
Ismirkasshetakesofftograbhershoes.
AfterIbeggedforherforgivenessinthepotatofields,Iaskedhertomoveinwithme.Ittookheraboutthreedaystosayyes,butonceshedid,IwastherewithmySUV,packingupherapartmentandmakingsuretherewasnowayshe’dgobacktothatsmallapartment.She’sminenow.
We’vespentthepastfewdaysreconnecting,andwhenIsayreconnecting,Imeanspendingeverywakingmomentnakedandtalking…andfucking.
MaggiewentbacktoSanFrancisco,butnotbeforegoingintodetailabouthowshewasgoingtomeetanislandhottiewhowouldbringherto—inherwords—Otown.
Inasurprisingandawkwardmoment,IaskedRylandifhe’deverconsiderdatingMaggie.Sheisattractive,andhethinksshe’samusing.Itwasanimmediatenofromhim.AndfromHattie.MaggiehasathrivingbusinessinSanFrancisco,andshe’snotgoingtogivethatuptomovetoasmalltownandbeastepmom.Notthatthat’sabadthing,butit’snotinthecardswithher.So…here’shopingshefindsherislandhottie.
Abel,Ryland,andIwentoutforburgerstheothernightatProvisions.Wedrankbeer,talkedaboutthegoodolddays,andalsotalkedaboutwhatwashappeninginourlivesnow.Currently,I’mtheonlyonedatingsomeone.Abelhasnointerest,andRylandclaimedhehasnointeresteither,butIgottheimpressionhe’dbeopentoagrown-uptotalktootherthanhissiblingsandAbel.Icouldseehimopeninguptosomeoneelse,butitwouldhavetobetherightperson.
Aubree…well,she’sasgrumpyasalways,althoughwiththestoreswitchingovertoHattie,Iactuallysawhersmileforamoment.WhenIpointeditout,Hattieswattedatme,tellingmenevertopointoutanAubreesmileorelseitmightneverreturn.Imadethatmentalnote,butseeingherrelaxforamomentwasgood.
Andasformeandmymusic,well…I’mstockpilingsomesongs.IwroteonetheotherdaywithMacinmindthatIsangtoHattie.Shewasintearsbytheend.ButtoldmeitwasbeautifulandthatIneededtofinishitastherewassomuchmeaningbehindalittlegirlstillfeelinghermother’sspirit.IpromisedherI’dfinishit,justneededtofindtherightspecialtouchestomakeitperfect.I’moutofmylabel’scontract,IjusthavetodoaChristmasalbumforthemtofulfillthecontractneeds,butanynewmusicwillbeproducedthroughme.Andmymom,well,she’sbeenserved,andIwon’tbeseeingheranytimesoonunlessshewantstogotojail.Mattwasalsotoldthatheshouldremovehisexperiencewithmefromhisrésumébecausehewouldn’tbegettinganyglowingreviews.Haven’theardfromhimandprobablyneverwill.
“Ready,”Hattiesays.
Ismileather,grabmykeysfromthesidetable,andthenIhelpherintomySUVoncewe’reinthegarage.SinceIdon’thaveanyschedule,ItoldherI’ddriveherandpickherupfornow,givingusthatextratimetogetherinthecar.
IpulloutofthegaragewithonehandonthesteeringwheelandtheotheronherlegassheadjuststhemusictoBlondie’sHeartofGlass
Together,wesingwhilewemakeourwaytotown.
Hattiehasaterriblevoice,butit’ssofuckingcute,listeningtohertrytohitthehighnotesandnotgivingafuckthatshe’ssingingnexttosomeonewhomakesmillionsayearsingingforaliving.OneofthemanyreasonsIloveher.
Whenwereachtheshop,Ipullinfront,onlyforhertoseeAubree,Ryland,andMacstandingbythefrontdoor.
“What’sthis?”Hattieasks.
“Theywantedtowishyougoodluckonyourfirstdaybeingtheofficialshopowner.”
“OhmyGod,they’regoingtomakemecry.”
Isqueezeherleg.“Don’tworry,babe.Ihavetissuesinmypocket.”
Ihelpheroutofthecar,holdingherhandaswewalkuptowardthedoor.
Aubreeholdsoutakeytoher.“Thisbelongstoyou.”
Withawobblylip,Hattietakesthekeyandholdsittoherchest.“Thankyou.”
Rylandstepsupandhandsheraboxofdonuts.“Cassidywouldhavebroughtthesetoyoutocelebrate,soIfiguredwecouldallhaveadonutinherhonorthismorning.”
“I’dlovethat.”
Macstepsupnowandhandsherahandmadecard.“Thisisforyou,AuntHattie.”Itaketheboxofdonutsfromhersoshecanopenthecard.Insidethefoldedpaperisastickfiguredrawingofawomanwithwingsandahalooverherhead.“That’sMommywatchingoveryou.”
“Oh,MacKenzie.”HattiesquatsdowntoherlevelandpullsMacintoahug,tearsfalling.“Thankyou.Thismeanssomuchtome.”
Shesqueezesherhardandthenliftsup.
Sheholdsthepictureoutandsays,“I’mgoingtoframethisandputitnexttothecardthatyourmommademeformybirthday.I’llhangthembytheregister.”
“Willyoureally?”MacasksasRylandpullsherintohisside.
“Ofcourse.”Shestandstaller,glancingbetweenhersiblings.“ThankyouforputtingupwithmeasInavigatedthroughallofthis.”
“Noneedtothankus.We’rehereforeachother.We’reinthistogether,”Rylandsays.
“Andyou’lldogreatthingswiththestore,”Aubreesays.
“Andyou’lldogreatthingswiththefarm.”
Shesmilessoftly.“NowthatIcanfocusmyattentiononit,Iknowitwillbebetterthanever.”
Onadeepbreath,Hattieturnstowardthestore,andwithherkeyinonehandandapictureofCassidyintheother,sheopensthedoortoTheAlmondStore.
Iknowthiswomanlovesmeandwillalwaysloveme.Butthisplaceisherheart,herpassion,andanequallyimportantpartofherfuture.Somethinggrownfromlove.Somethingthatbringsjoytoothers.She’sgoingtodogreatthingswithherlife,andI’mgoingtowalkbesidehereverystepoftheway.Becausethat’swhatlovedoes.Itstays.Itprotects.Itfortifies.
LookingformorealphaheroeslikeHayes?KeepreadingforanexcerptfromRightMan,RightTimeExcerpt–RightMan,RightTime
Prologue
SILAS
“Idon’tknow,dude.MaybeIshouldhavegonewiththeprincesscut,”IsayintothephoneasIheaduptheelevatortomypenthouseapartmentthatoffersexpansiveviewsoftheBurrardInlet.
WhenSarahandIfoundthisplace,shetoldmewehadtogetit.Notonlyweretheviewseverythingwecouldhaveaskedfor,buttheprivacywasalsoahugebonus,especiallysinceprivacydoesn’tcomesoeasilyanymore.Notwhenyou’rethestarrightwingfromtheVancouverAgitators.
“Dowereallyhavetogothroughthisagain?”PaceyLawessaysthroughthephone,clearlyirritatedwithmyinabilitytosettleontherightring.
“Iwanttogetthisright.”Theelevatorshootsmeuptothepenthouse.“IknowSarahhasbeenwaitingforthis,andI’mfinallyinaplaceinmylifewhereIcangethertheringshedeserves.Iwanttomakesureit’sperfect.”
“Howmanytimesdowehavetogothroughthis?Shesentyoupicturesofthathaloring.That’swhatshewants,andwhatyougotmatchesthat.Don’tchangeanything.”
“Yeah,you’reright.”Isigh.“Shit,I’mnervous.”
“Areyoudoingittonight?”
“No.”Ishakemyheadeventhoughhecan’tseeme.“Ihavetofigureoutherringsizefirst.”
“Thatwouldhavebeenjobnumberone,”hesaysjustastheelevatordingsandthedoorsbegintopart.
“Probably.”IscrubmyhandovermyfaceasIstepofftheelevator.“Thisismyfirstandlastproposal,soI’mnotquitesureofthetimetablehere.”
“Don’tthinkthat’spartofatimetable.Justcommonsense,man,”PaceysaysasIsetmykeysonthesidetablenexttotheelevator,kickoffmyshoes,andthenheadtowardthekitchenwhereIfindoneofSarah’sbrasdiscardedonthecounter.
That’sweird.
She’sabitofaneatfreak,sofindingsomethinglikeabraonthecounterandnootherlaundryfeelsoutofplace.
“Youthere?”Paceyasks.
“Uh,yeah.”Iclearmythroatandpickuptheblacklace,abraIdon’tthinkI’veeverseenherwearbefore.AndIknowbecauseI’vebeenwithhersincehighschool.I’veseentheinsandoutsofthiswoman’swardrobe,andIwouldhaveeasilyrememberedabralikethis.“Hey,Ihavetogo.”
“Everythingokay?”Paceyaskswithconcern,obviouslyhearingthechangeinmytone.
“Yup,just,uh,realizedIforgottotakethemeatoutofthefreezer.”AsimpleliethatIknowwilldothetrick.
“Ohshit,dude,you’reintrouble.”
“Don’tIknowit,”Isayrightbeforehangingupandsettingmyphoneonthecounter.
Iexaminethebra,tracingmyfingersoverthelace.HaveIseenthisbefore?
No,definitelynot.
Thisisdifferent.
ThisisnottheSarahIknowwhoonlywearsnude-coloredundergarments.That’sallshe’severworn,andI’vebeenfinewithit.Icouldn’tcareless.Ijustwantedtoseewhatwasundertheundergarments,andlately,there’sbeenadroughtinthatdepartment.
Sheblamesitonhockey,sayingI’mneveraround.ButIdon’tseehowmyscheduleisanydifferentfromlastyear.Sure,Imighthaveacquiredmoredealsthathavebroughtinanexponentiallyhigherincome,andthosecommitmentshavestolensomeofmytime,butIstillmakeanefforttomaketimetobeavailableforher.
She’stheonewhotellsmeshe’stired.
She’stheonewhooffersmehercheekwhenItrytokisshergoodnight.
Ispoketotheguysaboutit.Howsheneverinitiatesintimacy,howsherollsawayfrommeatnight,andweconcludedthatmaybeshewastiredofwaitingforatruecommitmentfromme.
Hencethering.
Butthisbra…maybeshe’stryingtospicethingsupforthebothofus.
Maybesheleftthishere,knowingIwascominghomeandwouldbelieveit’saclue.
AsmilestretchesacrossmyfaceasIstickthebrainthebackpocketofmyjeansandmovetowardthebedroom.
“Sarah,babe,youhere?”Iask,headingclosertotheshutbedroomdoor.“Foundyourbra.”
“Mmmmm.”Ihearhermoan,whichmakesmepauseinmypathtoopenthebedroomdoor.
Wasthatmoanforme,orwasthatmoan…somethingelse?
Confused,IreachforourbedroomdoorknobandtwistitjustasIhearheragain.“Yes,rightthere.”
Whatthe…
Ipartthedooropen,justenoughtoseeSarahspreadnakedonourbedwithawoman’sheadbetweenherlegs.What.The.Fuck?
Mymouthdropstothefloor,myheartsputterstoastop,andIcanfeelallthecolordrainingfrommyface.
“That’sit,baby,keepupthatpace,”amalevoicespeaksfromthesideoftheroom,nearlyknockingmebackonmyass.
IglancetowardthewindowandfindanakedmansittinginthechairIusetoputmyfuckingshoeson,strokinghismediocreerection.
“Whattheactualfuck?”Isay,unabletostopmyself.
Sarah’sheadpopsup,andhereyesconnectwithmine.Fearcrossesherpupilsrightbeforepureecstasy.Thewomandoesn’tstopeatingSarah’spussy,themandoesn’tstopstrokinghisdick,andit’sasifeverythingisplayingoutinslowmotionlikesomesortoffucked-uppornvideo.
Sarah’seyesremainonmineasshebitesherbottomlipandhercheeksflush,alookIhaven’tseenfromherinIdon’tknowhowlong.Andforthelifeofme,Ican’tlookawayasherchestlifts,nipplespuckered,skinslick,andhermouthfallsopenasalow,feralmoanslipspastherlips.AsoundsoeroticthatIhonestlywasn’tsureshecouldmakeit.
Herheadfallsbacktothebed,herfingersgripthesheetstightly,andthen,tomyabsolutehorror,Iwatchhercome,gettingofffromanotherwomanwhileamaninthecornerdoesthesame,hegroansevenlouder.
Atacompletestandstill,unsureofwhattofuckingdo,Istayrootedinplace,waitingforthisnightmaretoend.
“OhGod,”Sarahsaysasshefondlesherbreasts,pluckinghernipples.“Sogood,”shemumblesbeforeshefinallycatchesherbreath.
Sogood?Isshefuckingkiddingmerightnow?
Thenakedwomanbetweenherlegspullsawayandturnstowardme.Herfakebreastsarewaytoolargeforherbody.That’swhatyounotice,Silas?Shestandsupandthenstartsfingeringherself.Withacoylook,sheasks,“Doyouwanttobenext?”
“Thefuck?”Iask.“No!”IlookpastthebustyredheadandoveratSarah.“Whatthefuckisgoingon?”
Handdrapedoverherface,sheclosesherlegsandthenrollsuptoaseatedposition.She’sflush,satisfied,anditmakesmesofuckingmad.Myvisionstartstotunnel.She’smygirl,andsomeoneelsemadeherlookfuckingsatisfied.Thatdoesn’tsettlewellwithme.Nordoesherhairlookingamess.Orthewildexpressioninhereyes.Gratificationringsclearinhervoiceasshesays,“Ineededagoodfuck,Silas.”
Sheneededagoodfuck?
That’sherexcuse?
“Thenwhythehelldidyounotaskme?Yourboyfriend?”
IstareSarahdown,lookingforananswer,butshedoesn’tgivemeone.Theredheadwalksuptomeseductivelyandrestsherhandonmychest.“Youseemtense.Letmefixthatforyou.”
Keepingstill,Ispeakthroughmyclenchedjaw.“Isuggestyougetthefuckawayfrommerightnow.”
“Donottalktomywomanlikethat,”themansayswhilestandingandstuffinghisnowflacciddickinhispants.
“Testme,dude.Seriously,seehowfaritgetsyou.I’vebashedmoreskullsinmylifetimetoevencount.Youdonotwanttofuckwithme.”
“MaybeIdo,”themansays,actinglikeastupidfuck.Hestepstowardme,andwithouteventhinkingtwice,Icockmyarmback.SarahinsertsherselfbetweenthemanandmebeforeIcanhithim.
“Don’t,”shesays,hervoicestern.
Shecan’tbeserious.
“You’reprotectinghim?”Iask.Inmyfuckinghouse?Myfuckingbedroom?Whatthehellishappening?
Withoutansweringme,sheturnstowardthemanandwoman.“Ithinkyoutwoshouldleave.”
“Areyousure?”thewomanasks.“Ifyou’reintrouble,wecanstay.”
“She’snotinfuckingtrouble,”Iyell.“I’mhergoddamnboyfriend,andifyoudon’tleaveinthenextfiveminutes,Iwillphysicallyremoveyoumyself.”
“Go,”Sarahsays.
Whiletheypickupandleave,Sarahgrabsarobefromthebedandtossesitoverherbody,coveringupthebitemarksalongherribcageandbreasts.BreastsI’vespentyearsworshipping.
Pain,anger,andconfusionalllacethroughmybody,puttingmethroughamentalfuckeryofarollercoasterasItrytopickoneemotiontofocuson.
WhenIheartheelevatordoorsclose,Iknowwhichonetorunwith.Anger.Iturntowardherandsay,“Whatthefuckwasthat?”
Armscrosseddefensively,sheanswers,“I’ve…I’vebeenfeelingneglected.ToddandNancyhave—”
“ToddandNancy?”Ishout.
“Yes,ToddandNancy.”Shesecuresthetiearoundherwaist.“They’vemademefeelsupported,fulfilled,andnotsoalone.”
White-hotrageshootsupmyspine.“Don’tfuckingcomeatmewiththat.I’vetriedtomakeyoufeel…fulfilled,butyouwon’tletme.Youpushmeaway,turnmedown,youwon’tevenfuckinglookatme.Imean,whatthehell,Sarah?Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?”
“Fourmonths,”shesayswithoutevenanounceofapologyinhervoice.
“Fourmonths?”Iask.“JesusChrist.”Istepaway,runningmyhandthroughmyhair.WhenIlookather,Idon’tseethesamepersonIfellinlovewithyearsago.Iseesomeonejaded,someonemanipulative,someonewhohadnointentionofprotectingmyheart.
Aftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough,alltheupsanddownsoftryingtomakeitinhockey,thehardships,thejoy,she’sgoingtoactlikecheatingonmeforfourmonthsisnothing?
Thatit’smyfaultwhenI’veputintheeffort?
ThatI’mtheonetoblameeventhoughwebothagreedthatmygoaltobeaprofessionalhockeyplayeriswhatwebothwanted?
Sheknewwhatthislifewouldbelike.Ididn’tseehercomplainingwhenshegotherexpensivepursesandbrand-nameshoes.
Istareather,thewomanIgavemyheartto,andasangerfillsme,Isay,“Fuckyou,Sarah.”
“Excuseme?”sheasks,shockregisteringacrossherface.
“Isaid…fuck…you.”
“You’remadatme.”Shepointsatherchest.“You’remadatmewhenI’mtheonewhohastostayhereallalone?”
“Youknewwhatyouweregettinginto,”Iyell.“Youfuckingknewthisiswhatlifewouldbelike,andyouagreedtoit.Wehadanin-depthconversationaboutwhattoexpect.Weagreedthiswaswhatwouldbebestforourlifetogether.Andtohelpthesituation,tomakeyoufeelmorecomfortable,Igotthefancyapartmentyouwanted.Igotyouthecarandtheclothes.Igotyoueverythingyoueveraskedfor.Soyeah,Sarah,fuckyou.Weweresupposedtobemonogamous.”
“Asifyou’venevercheatedonme,”shesaysoffhandedly.
“Never,”Ianswerwithalowgrowlinmyvoice.Itfeelslikethehaironthebackofmyneckisstandingtoattention.“I’veneveroncetouchedanotherwoman,lookedtheirway,oreventhoughtaboutitbecauseIloveyou,Sarah.You’remygirl.You’retheoneIwanttobewith.”
Handproppedonherhip,disbeliefinhervoice,sherepeats,“Younevercheatedonme?That’shardtobelieve.I’veheardwhattheothergirlshavesaidaboutallthosewomenrunningaroundthehotelroomslookingtohookupwithyourteam.”
“Yeah,that’strue,butIhavefuckingloyalty,”Isnapather.“Ipromisedmyselftoyou,andI’vekeptthatpromise.Wait,haveyoubeencheatingonmewithotherpeoplebesidesToddandNancy?”Whensheglancesaway,Ihavemyanswer.Ithrowmyarmsupandturnmybackonher.“Un-fucking-believable.”Thiswholetime,Ithoughtshewasloyal.Ithoughtwewereinthistogether.IthoughtthatmaybeshewaspullingawaybecauseofthechangeinpopularityI’vereceived.Butshe’sbeenfuckingunfaithfulallthistime.Whattheactualfuck?
EverythingI’veknownaboutlovecomescrashingtoafuckingstandstill.Ifeelso…betrayed.Broken.
Itakeafewdeepbreaths.“Iwantyouout.”
“What?”sheasks.
Iturnaroundtofaceher.Feelingabsolutelyguttedinside,Irepeatmyself.“IsaidIwantyouout.Youhaveanhour.Getwhatyouneedandgetthefuckout.We’redone,Sarah.”
“Thisismyapartmenttoo.”
“Youknowwhat?You’reright,itis.”Ismiledemonically.“I’llcallthelandlordrightnowandtellhertoswitchthenameontheleasetoyours.Enjoypayingrent.”
Herfacefallsflat.“Youcan’tdothat.Idon’thaveajob.Iputmylifeonholdtosupportyou.”
“Ididn’tknowsupportingmemeantyougottofuckaroundwithotherpeople.Ithinkwehaveadifferentviewofwhatsupportingreallymeans.”
Notsureifit’smeaskinghertoleaveortherealizationthatshehasnothingwithoutme,butpaniclightsuphereyes.“Listen,Silas,wecanworkthisout.”
“Thefuckwecan.Nowyoueitherpackupandgetoutofhereinanhour,ortheapartmentisyours.Rentisdueinaweek.”
Andwiththat,IstormoutoftheapartmentandasfarawayfromherasIcanget.
Wearesofuckingover.
AndI’llbedamnedifIeverletanyonetreatmelikethatagain.
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