The Wrong Wife A Best Friend’s Brother Marriage of Convenience Romance

Copyright?2023byBeckaMack
PublishedbyStreamsideLiteraryINC.
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Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
ISBN978-1-7781330-6-0ToNicole,
There’sonlyonewomanwhocanproudlycallherselftheOGMrs.Lockwood,andthat’syou.Thankyouforbeingheresincedayone.Iloveyoux1,000,000.
AndtoFielding,ourbeautifulbiggestboywhothoughthewasalapdog,nota135lbBerneseMountainDog.Westillfeelyouaround.Restinparadise,bigbuddy.CONTENTNOTE
UnravelMe
containsemotionalreferencestothepastdeathofparentsanditssurroundinggrief,aswellasbriefdiscussionsoffostercare.Ifyouaresensitivetothesesubjects,pleaseusethisinformationtomakeaninformeddecisionaboutwhethertoproceedwiththisstory.PLAYLIST
SearchingForAFeeling–Thirdstory
IDKYouYet–Alexander23
Soul–LeeBrice
FirstDate–blink-182
IWannaRemember–NEEDTOBREATHEft.CarrieUnderwood
StateofGrace(Acoustic,Taylor’sVersion)–TaylorSwift
KissMe–EdSheeran
SpeakTooSoon–WildRivers
Beyond–LeonBridges
PowerOverMe(Acoustic)–DermotKennedy
Supply&Demand–WilderWoods
DanceWithYou–BrettYoung
FeelLikeThis–IngridAndress
thisishowyoufallinlove–JeremyZucker,ChelseaCutler
Afterglow–TaylorSwift
TheFewThings–JPSaxe,CharlotteLawrence
SkyistheLimit–MarkAmbor
IWishYouWould–RossEllis
IDon’tNeedAnyoneElse–LiamFitzgerald
YouMakeMyDreams(Cover)–TimHalperin
MyBoy–ElvieShane
BestShot(Acoustic)–JimmieAllen
LookingforYou–ChristYoungCONTENTS
1.TheDevilHasRisen
2.NotTheWorstWayToGo
3.BubbleButt
4.I’llTakeTheWholeBottle,Please
5.TroubleWithACapitalT
6.Adam’sRoadToHope:OneMan’sJourneyToPussyPalace
7.SpillingSecretsAndWine
8.OkayFriends;TerribleAdvice
9.LittleTrouble
10.MyPeenHero
11.CanConfirm:That’sAHospitalizer
12.FuckingHypnotizing
13.2-For-1Special
14.IsThat…Vibrating?
15.TheOneWhereTheyWoreFakeMustaches
16.That’sNotFittingAnywhere
17.Banana-FlavoredDicks
18.BeforeIFallApart
19.Dipshits
20.SplittingHerInHalf,ButPolitely
21.WeUsedSevenCondoms
22.TheOtherShoe
23.I’llSeeYou
24.StardustLane
25.ForeverFamilies
26.TheyCalledMyMom
27.HowManyFuckingShoesAreThere?
28.LongTimeComing
29.BatmanAlwaysGetsTheGirl
30.ShirtlessDaddiesDoItBest
31.Who’sTheRealMr.Incredible?
32.It’sOctoberThird
33.IThinkI’veTranscended
34.No-NutNovember
35.Twenty-FiveAndCanFinallyDrive
36.Nobody’sGonnaKnow
37.HowTheGrinchStoleChristmas
38.TooPrettyToFight
39.AteAndLeftNoCrumbs
40.ChristmasDicksicles
41.PuzzlePieces
Epilogue:Oops
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthorCHAPTER1
THEDEVILHASRISEN
ADAM
“Ifuckedup.”
Theslurredwordsareburiedinmypillow,wherethere’sdefinitelynotawarmpileofdroolgathering.There’sasteadybeatpoundinginmyhead,andIflipover,squeezingmyeyesshutatthebrightsunlightburninglikelaserbeamsthroughmybedroomwindow.
Myfuckuprevolvesaroundthereasonfortheheadachebeatingatmyskull:theamountofalcoholIconsumedlastnight,andCarter.
FuckingCarter.
Thereasonbehind99percentofmyfuckups,especiallyofthealcohol-fueledvariety.
Hencethevideothat’scurrentlythehottopicinourhockeygroupchat,PuckSluts
,whenImanagetofindmyphone.
What’sthevideoof?Me,upsidedownandholdingontoakegofbeerwhilemyteammatesEmmettandGarrettholdmebythelegs,Jaxonvideotapes,andCarterholdsthespoutinmymouth,shit-talkingmetokeepmegoing.AndwhoarethePuckSluts?Us,obviously.
Garrett
Ustillsleeping,Woody?
Woody’sashortenedversionofmylastname,Lockwood.Oh,and,uh,also’causetheguysoncecaughtmejerkingoffinmyhotelroom.Notmyproudestmoment,andonetheywon’tletgo.Buthey,Iwas,like,fifteenhundredmilesawayfrommygirlfriend,andonlynineteen.Sueaguyfortryingtogetsomerelief.
Carter
sleepingoffhishangoverlikeawittlebaby,justlikemywittlegirl
Attachedisapictureofhisfive-month-olddaughter,Ireland,everyounceassweetasherdadisannoying.
Carter
evenollieisupnshedid3kegstands.getittogether.
Okay,well,that’snotfair.Hiswife,Olivia,isachampwhenitcomestodrinking,eventhoughshe’sbarelythesizeofthepupcupIgetatStarbucksformydog.Plus,Ideservetoblowoffsomesteam.Myfriendsareallsettlingdown,exceptforJaxon,andwearen’tanywhereclosetobeingonthesamelevel.Hegoesonmultipledatesamonthtogetlaid;Igoonmultipledatestocomehomealone,disappointed,andtiredoflookingforsomethingthat’sprobablynotevenoutthereatthispoint.Notforme,anyway.
Emmett
YouguysupforarollerbladeseshthisAM?
Garrett
30mins?Jennie’sabouttotakemeforaride.
Carter
fuck.u.
Garrett
Ratherfuckursister.
Carter
i’mgonnafuckingkillu
Emmett
Dad???Thisiswhereyouinterject.
I’mDad,andmyunofficialjobistokeepCarterandGarrettsafefromeachother.Carter’sstillcomingtotermswithoneofhisbestfriendsdatinghislittlesister,andGarrett’sturnedintoabitofanantagonizingshitwholovestothrowinhisfacethathe’sregularlynailingJennie.It’ssuperentertainingtoseesomeoneannoyCarterasmuchasheannoystherestofus,butI’mnotphysicallycapableofkeepingthembothalivetoday.
Me
I’mlettingnaturalselectiontakeitscoursetoday.
Garrett
WTF?UrjustgonnaletCartercomeafterme?
Jaxon
Don’tknowifIcanmakeit.ThinkIpulledmygroin.Also,RIPGare-Bear
Emmett
Doingwhat?
Jaxon
*smirkingemoji*youmeandoingwho
Groaning,Iswingmylegsovertheedgeofthebedandsitup.Allthebloodrushestomyhead,andIpressmyfingerstothethrobbingacheinmytemplesbeforetypingoutmynextmessage,whichismoreabegthananything.Isimplycannotfunctiontodaywithouteatingenoughtofeedafamilyoffour.
Me
Fuck.BigMacs,please.
TheboysareeagertofucktherollerbladingandgotoMcDonald’sinstead,soIcranktheshowerinmybathroomtowashawaywhatIcanofthishangoverbeforedrowningtherestingreasyburgersandsaltyfries.
Mydickstandstall,bobbingagainstmybellybutton,beggingmetotakecareofmymorningwoody.WhenIstepbeneaththewarmwaterandwrapmyfistaroundmycock,myotherpalmflatagainstthemarbledwall,Idropmyheadandgroan.
I’vebeenfuckingmyhandforsolongnow,Idon’tevenrememberwhatitfeelstobeinsideofsomeone.Andhonestly?I’mtired.It’snotthesexImissbuttheconnection.Mypersonusedtobemywholeworld,abovehockey,aboveeverything.
Andinasinglemoment,sheshatteredthatworld.
Shetooksomanypiecesofmeandthrewthemtoherfeet,groundthemtodustbeneathherpointy-as-fuckheels.
Idon’tmissher.Imissthelovethatwasoncethere,thebodyIheldagainstmineeachnight,thewaymyheartsoaredeverytimeshesmiledatme.Imissthewayshelovedmebeforeshe…
Stopped.
Shestopped,andnowIdon’tknowifI’lleverfindsomeonewholovesmeforme.
NotAdamLockwood,superstargoalie.NottheNHL’sgoldenboy,thetickettoluxury,A-listevents,vacationproperties,andneverhavingtoworkanotherdayinyourlife.
Just…me.
IshakeawaythethoughtsatthesamemomentIrealizemycockhasgonelimp.Chuckling,Igrabthesoapandlatherup.NothingkillsabonerfasterthanthinkingaboutCourtney.
WhenIstepoutoftheshower,Irealizemydog,Bear,isn’tinmyroom.He’sattachedtomyhip,allone-hundred-and-fortypoundsofhim,andusuallyenjoyswhenI’vebeendrinkingbecauseIgetextracuddly.Myphonesaysit’safterten,sothepoorguyisprobablypracticinghisbestdramatics,playingdeadathisbowlinthekitchen.
Ipullonapairofboxerbriefsandjogdownthestairs,notpausingatthesoundofdishesclanginginthekitchen.It’stypicaltowakeuptoafewteammatesstillaroundthemorningafteraparty,butIdon’texpecttheleggyblondestruttingdownthehallway,righttowardme.Shefinishesapplyingherpinklipglossashereyesroamoverme,standingheremostlynaked.“Thanksforthefun,handsome.”Withherhandonmytorso,shepressesalingeringkisstomycheek,makingitheat.
“Uh…”Irunmyhandthroughmymussedcurls.“Idon’tknowwhoyou…what…fun?”
“Allofit.”Shewinks,stepsintoapairofredheels,andtakesoff,leavingmesuperfuckingconfused.
Wedidn’t…?
No,becauseIwouldn’teverdothat.Right?AndifIdid,I’ddefinitelyremember.Sexwithastranger?Notme,notinmyrightmind.
UnlessIwasn’tinmyrightmind.
Ishakemyhead,sighingwhenIspotBearattheedgeofthekitchen.“Thereyouare,buddy.”
Chocolateeyesflicktome,heavywithdisdain.
Sinkingtomyknees,Iburymyfingersinhisthick,darkfur.“Iknow.I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantolockyououtofbed,andI’mlateforbreakfast.Ihadtoomuchtodrinklastnight.Forgiveme?”
Hehuffs,licksmynose,andgoesrightbacktoglaring.
Exceptit’snotmehe’sglaringat.
Followinghisstareovermyshoulder,myheartstallsatthebarelegsatmystove.Itrackthelonglimbsup,tomyVipersteethatbarelycoversherass.Upfarther,tothevibrantredhairfallingdownherbackasshefuckingcooks
inmy
kitchen.
“He’sbeingsupergrumpythismorning,”achippervoicetellsmeassheaddsbacontothesizzlingfryingpan.“Imadehisbreakfastanhourago,buthehasn’ttouchedit.Justkeepsstaringatme.”
Risingslowly,Iglareatthebackofthefieryredhead,waitingforitto,oh,Idonno…combust?Myfistsclench,bloodthunderinginmyears.Bearclimbstohisfeetatmyside,alowgrowlrumblinginhischest.
“Therehegoesagainwiththegrowling.You’rebabyinghimtoomuch,Adam.Youalwayshave.”
“Getthefuckoutofmyhouse.”
Myex-girlfriendspins,patronizingblueeyespinningmewithapoutIusedtocrumblefor.
“Isthatanywaytotalktome,honey?”Shesauntersover,fingertipsslidingthroughmypatchofchesthairbeforeherpalmcurvesaroundmyneck.“Onceuponatime,thishousewasminetoo.”
“Andthenyoufuckedsomeoneelseinmybed.”Ihadtogetanewmattress,andCartertalkedmeintotheoutrageouslyexpensiveoneIsleeponnow.Awin-win,really,allthingsconsidered.
Sheslingsanarmaroundmyneck,givingmethosebigblueeyesIusedtolove.“Ifyou’dpaidmemoreattention,Iwouldn’thavelookedforitelsewhere.ButI’mwillingtomovepastitifyouare.”Herlowerlipslidesbetweenherteeth.“Youseemedwillinglastnightwhenyouletmein.”
Letherin?
Drunkorsober,there’snofuckingwayI’dletthisshe-devilintomyhome.
Isortthroughlastnight’smemoriesasIpryherarmoffmebutcomeupempty.“Ididn’tletyouin.”
“ThenhowdidIgetinhere,Adam?WhyamIinyourT-shirt,makingbreakfastinyourkitchen?”
“Beatsme.Witcheshaveallkindsofsuperpowers,I’veheard.”Pushingbyher,Iturnoffthestovetopandshiftthepanofftheburner,jawclenched.
Thisisn’tthequietgirlwhosehandwasclammywhenIreachedforitonourfirstdate.NotthewomanIgavemyvirginitytoatseventeen.NotthepartnerIbuiltdreamswith,shapedmylifearound.
Softhandsglideslowlydownmyback,andIclosemyeyesasshewrapsherarmsaroundmywaist,steppingintome.
“Imissyou,”Courtneywhispers.“Please,Adam.Wecanbehappyagain.”Warmlipstouchmyshoulder,andforamoment,Isinkintotheconnection.
Iwantsomething
.Iwanttobeneeded.Appreciated.Loved
No,Idon’tjustwantit.Ifuckingcrave
it.
Andshecan’tgivemeanyofthat.
“Ideservemore.”Turning,Ipullherarmsawayandtakeherchininmyhand,forcinghereyestomine,makingsureshehearsmywords.ThiswillbethelasttimeIspeakthem.“Ideservemorethanwhatyoucangiveme,Courtney.Ideservebetter.”
AndI’llfindit.
Hereyeswiden,glossingoverassheshakesherhead.“No.Adam,no.”
“Yes.There’snothingleft.Walkaway,anddon’tcomeback.”
Iwalkforward,forcingherdownthehall,untilherbackhitsmyfrontdoor.
Herexpressionholdsallthebetrayalofamastermanipulator.“Howcanyouthrowawayeverythingwehad?I’vegivenyousomuchtimetogetoverthis,Adam.Whycan’tyougetoverthis?”
Doesanybodyeverreallygetovercominghometohisgirlfriendscrewinganotherguyintheirbed,theengagementringhe’dplannedtogivehertuckedinhisunderweardrawer?
Iopenthecloset,findingherpurseandshoestuckedneatlyinside,likeshe’dalreadydecidedonstaying.Ishovethemintoherhandsandlookattheshirtshe’swearing.Idon’twanttoknowhowshegotherhandsonthat.“Givememyfuckingshirt,andleave.”
Hergazedarkens,andshetugstheshirtoverherhead,chuckingittomyfeet
“JesusChrist,”Imutterasshestandsbeforeme,starknaked.
“Mightaswellgetagoodlook,”Courtneysnaps,tearingadressfromherpurse.Sheslipsitoverherheadbeforesteppingintopanties.“It’llbethelasttimeyoueverseethisbody.”
“Hopefully.”
Shegasps,andherpalmstrikesmycheek.
Iwhipopenthefrontdoor.“Getout.”
Bearbarkshisagreementatmyside,makingCourtneyjump.
Shestepsontotheporchandopenshermouth,butbeforeshecanuseit,Islamthedoorinherface.
Bearnudgesmythighwithhiswetnose.Hesmilesupatme,tonguehangingouthismouth,andIbarkalaugh.
“Ithoughtitwasanightmaretoo,”Itellhim,scratchinghisearsandheadingbacktothekitchen.“HowelsedoesVoldemortshowuphere?”
Bearwoofs,prancingaheadtodevourhisbreakfastwhileIsurveythedisasterbeforeme.Theinsideofmyhouseisn’ttoobad,butIcringeatthesightofmybackyard.Floatingunicornslittermypool,andamongthem,twogiantinflatablepenisesCarterandEmmettwereswordfightingwithatonepoint.Thankyouverymuch,Cara,forbringingthose
.Redcupsarescatteredacrosstheyard,afewhaphazardbikinis,eventhoughIdon’trememberasinglenakedgirlinmypoollastnight.Infact,Jaxon’stheonlyonewhothreatenedtotakeoffhisbathingsuit.
CleaningislastonthelistofthingsIwanttodorightnow.I’mdesperateforaBigMac,orfive,soIheadupstairstodress,forgoingthemess.
Oneofthebedroomdoorsopens,andJaxonslipsout,tuggingashirtoverhishead.Hegrins,shovinghisfingersthroughhishairbeforehidingitbeneathaballcap.“Where’dyoudisappeartolastnight?”
“Huh?Disappear?”
“Youdroppedoffthefaceoftheearth,bud.Figuredyouwenttobed.Youdon’tremember?Thosekegstandsreallyfuckedyou,huh?”
Irubmytemple.“Ihaven’tdoneakegstandsincehighschool.”
“AndyetyouletCartertalkyouintodoingthreeofthem.”
IletCartertalkmeintoalotofthingswhenI’vebeendrinking,becausehehasawayofmakingmostthingssoundlikeingeniousideas.Lastnightexcluded,obviously,becauseI’mstilltryingtofigureouthowandwhenCourtneygotinhere.
“Hey,didyouhappentoseearedheadherelastnight?”Jaxononlyjoinedourteamlastyear,soheneverhadthedispleasureofmeetingCourtney.He’salsotheonlyothersingleguyinourgroup,soifanyonewasaroundlongenoughlastnighttonoticeher,it’dbehim.
“Redhead?Isthisthedevilyouwerereferringtolastnight?”
“The—what?”
Heshrugs.“Yeah,wewereinthepoolwithsomegirlsafterCarter,Garrett,andEmleft,andanewwaveofpeopleshowedup.Allofasudden,youreyesgotallhugeandyousaid,‘Holyfuck.Thedevilhasrisen.’Thenyoujumpedoutofthepool,said,‘Iwasneverhere,’andranawaylikeyourasswasonfire.”
Shit.
Okay,soshewasdefinitelyhere.Ishudderatthethought,butatleastI’mcertainI’dnevertouchheragain,nomatterwhatsheinsinuated.Butwhataboutthatblondefromearlier?Theonewhothankedmeforthe,um…fun
.Wasshetalkingabouttheparty,or…?
“Youdidn’t,uh,see…Imean,Ididn’t,uh…didI—”Iclearmythroatintomyfist“—sleepwithanyonelastnight?”
Jaxon’sbrowsdipbeforelaughterexplodesfromhischest.“Dude,howwouldIknow?Iwasn’tsittingoutsideyourdoor.Iwasbusy.”
Rightontime,pinknailslandonhistorso,slippingbeneathhisshirt.Alittleblondepeeksaroundhisside,andJaxonwhispers,“Mornin’,baby,”beforepressinghislipstohers.
“Callme.”Shetucksapieceofpaperintohishand,smilesupatme,andkissesmycheek.“Thanksfortheparty,Aaron.”
“Adam,”Imumbleasshewalksby.IturnbacktoJaxon,liftingmybrowsathisirritatinggrin.“Youcan’tgoasingle—”Myjawdrops,abrunettepoppingoutfrombehindhim.Hecallsherbaby,too,whensheleaveshimhernumber.Ishakemyhead.“No.”
Hegrinswider.“Yes.”
Unbelievably,athirdgirlwithjetblackhairstepsout,anotherbaby,anothernumber.I’m99percentsurehe’sonlycallingthembabybecausehedoesn’tremembertheirnames.
Still,myjawdropsalittlelower.“No
.”
“Y—”
“Myparentssleeptherewhentheyvisit!That’sanewmattress!Ijustboughtit!”
“It’sbeenchristenedfortheirnextvisit.DeaconandBevcanthankmelater.”
Hefollowsmetomyroom,tellingmeabouthiswildnightasItugonshortsandaT-shirt.Thatshitgoesinoneearandrightouttheother,andIdropanelbowtomydresserandopenmyTinderinbox.ThebrightredbubbletellingmeIhaveninety-sevenwaitingmessagesspikesmybloodpressure.Iignorethemandnavigatetothethirdoneonthelist.
Alessia
Can’twaittocutonight*kissemoji*
Thekissemojithrowsmeforaloop.Wehaven’tmetinperson,soitfeelsalittleforward.CartersaysI’mjustoldfashioned,butIdon’tknow.
Me
Metoo.Seeyouat7.*smilingemoji*
*kissemoji**kissemoji*
Ituckmyphoneaway,tryingnottocatastrophize.I’malreadyregrettingtonight’sdate,buttobefair,life’sbeenonedumpsterfireafteranotherforthelastfifteenmonthsorso.
IlookdownatBear.“Food,thenhikes?”
Helickshisnoseandrushesfromtheroom.
Jaxongrins.“BigMacs?”
“FuckingBigMacs.”CHAPTER2
NOTTHEWORSTWAYTOGO
ROSIE
“Doyouevertakeadayoff?”
IlookatArchie,mycoworker,bestfriend,androommate.He’ssittingbehindthereceptiondesk,wearingbluescrubswithpuppiesandkittensonthem.He’ssixfeettall,superbroad,andcoveredintattoos.Theadorablescrubsareforeverthehighlightofmyday.
“I’mnotworkingtoday.”
“Right.You’rejusthereonyourdayoff,andyou’redefinitelynotgoingtospendtimewithanyoftheanimals.”Hecocksabrow.“Volunteeringisthesamethingasworking,Rosie.”
Irollmyeyes,signingthevisitorcheck-in.“HasanybodybeenintowalkPiglettoday?”
Archiesmilessadlyatthecomputerscreen.“Youknowtheanswertothat.”
OfcourseIdo.Pigletisasixty-five-poundGermanShepherdwithaboutthesameamountofanxietyasme,whichis,accordingtomyentirelybluntandlackadaisicaltherapist,afuckton.Sheneedstime,patience,andlove;mostofthosethingsgooutthewindowwiththeothervolunteersafterafewshortminutesoftrying.
“Andthat’swhyI’mhereonmydayoff,”ItellArchie,headingtowardthekennels.“BecausePigletneedssomeonetoshowupforher.”
“Whenareyoujustgoingtobringherhome?”Archieshoutsafterme.
“WhenIhavemorethanthreehundredsquarefeettoofferherandcanaffordtofeedherwhilestillfeedingmyself,”Icallback.
We’vecurrentlygoteightdogshereatWildheartAnimalSanctuary,andaccordingtothelogsheet,allofthembutPiglethavebeenwalkedthismorning.Mostbarelyglanceupfromtheirbeds,contentwiththeattentionandexercisethey’vealreadyreceivedtoday,whichmakesmehappy.Butwhenmyeyeslandonthatblackandbrowndoghuddledinatightballinthecornerofherkennel,shaking,myheartsinks.
“Hi,sweetgirl,”Imurmur,crouchingdown.Herwidebrowneyeslandonmine,andthoughtheybrighten,shestaysrightwheresheis,watchingmefromasafedistancewhileshewhimpers.Because,scaredassheis,shewantstocomesayhello.
Fourmonthsago,Ifoundhertiedtothebenchoutfrontearlyonemorning.Therewasanotetapedtothefrontdoorthatsaidtheauthorwastiredoflisteningtotheowner’spoortreatmentofthedog.Wehadtosedatehertogetherthroughthedoors,becauseshewassoscaredshesnappedatanyonewhocamenear.Ispenttheentiredayoutsideherkennel,readingandtalkingtoher,andhaveworkedmyassoffsincetobuildthebondwehavetoday.
Withalotofpatience,welearnedthatdespiteherextremefearandhesitancy,she’ssuchasweet,friendlygirlwholoveshersnuggles.Thekickerishercagecausesalotofheranxiety;she’sadifferentgirloutside—morecarefree,curious,andhappy.Shejusthasn’tfoundherforeverfamilyyet.
Iholdupherleash.“Wannagoforahike,Pig?”Herearsperk,andshecocksherhead.Ishowhermybackpackandgiveitapat.“Ipackedlunch.”
Slowly,sheclimbstoherfeet,herlegsshaking.Hertailgoesbetweenherhindlegsassheamblesover,sniffingmethroughthecage,thenthebackpack.Hertonguelollsoutofhermouth,shestandsalittletaller,andgivesmeasoftwoof!
“’Attagirl.”Iunlockherkennelandscratchbehindherearsbeforeslippingherharnesson.“Anythingforfood,huh?”
Shelicksmyankle,nudgesmybackpack,andlooksatmewithhopefuleyes.
“Damnit.”Isigh,openingmybagandgivingheroneofthecookiesshelovessomuch.“Youknowhowtogetme.”
Pigletgluesherselftomysideaswemakeourwaythroughtheshelter,butthemomentwestepintothehotVancouversunshine,she’sfree.Shegallopsforwardthreestepsandleapsintotheair,spinning,hercutedogbuttleadingthewayashertonguerollsoutofhermouth.Whenshe’sbackonallpaws,shenuzzlesmyhipandstartsleadingtheway.
WildheartisnestledintoaquietareaofNorthVancouver,awayfromthenoiseandcrowdsofdowntown.Themountainsandseaofgreenoutherearethemostspectacularbackdrop,andIloveridingthebusacrossthebridgeeachday,leavingthecitybehindandwalkingrightintonature.
Likealways,ourwalkleadsussomewherealongthebottomofMountFromme.There’saclusterofpeoplefartherdowntheroadwherethetouristscometohike,butPigletandIsneakbetweenasmallopeningatthebackofthepark,rushingalongthenarrowdirttrailuntilwereachthebottomofasetofstairs.
Thewoodenstepsareoldandrickety,leadinguptoourfavoritebrandofpeaceandquiet.Piglethasnoproblemgoingup,leapingeagerlythreestepsatatimewhileIstruggletokeepup.It’scomingdownlaterthatwillbeanissue.
Sheenjoysthefreedomthemountainsbring,thesoundofbirdsandrunningwaternearby,thescentoffreshdirtandpines.Youcanbreathedifferentlyuphere,deeper,everyinhalecrispandrefreshing.Itwakesyouup,bringsyouclarityyoudidn’tknowyouneeded.
BeforePiglet,Ispentsomuchtimeherebymyself,wanderingaimlesslythroughthewoods,sittingwithmyfeetinthecreek,contemplatinglife.SometimesI’dwishlifeweredifferent,butIknewI’dneverevergiveupwhatIhadnow,despitethelonelinessthatcreepsin.
Herewiththisgirl,Idon’tfeelsoalone.It’snotthelifeIimaginedasachild,butit’swhatI’vebeengiven.Iloveitforeverythingitisandeverythingit’sgivenme.
EvenifI’llforevergrievethepartsit’stakenaway.
PigletandIcarryon,weavingthroughtoweringpinesandcedars,myeyesroamingthetrunkofeverypine,searchingthebarkforaheartandthreeinitialsIknowlivessomewhereinthisforest.I’vebeenlookingforyears,everysingleSaturdaysinceImovedhere,buteachtimeIleaveherewithaholeinmyheartthatseemsto,somehow,growjustateensybitbigger.
Anhourin,mystomachstartstogrumble,andPigletslows,lookingpointedlybetweenmeandmybackpack.
Irollmyeyes.“Yougivethebestpuppyeyesinthehistoryofever,youknowthat,Pig,don’tyou?”Iscratchherheadasshelicksmyknee.“We’realmosttothebridgenow.Fivemoreminutesandwe’llbreakforlunch,’kay,girl?”
Shebarksandjogsahead,stoppingatthetrunkofatreetosniff.Abranchsnapsinthedistance,followedbytherustleofleaves,andadeepvoicecallsawordnobodyeverwantstohearwhenthey’rehikingalone.
“Bear
!”
Piglet’sheadsnapsandshestopsinhertracks.Iplastermyselfagainsttheroughbarkofawidetrunk,tremblingasfootstepsthunder.Somethingginormousandblackburststhroughthetrees,stealingthebreathfrommylungswhenitsetsitssightsonme.
Myentirelifeflashesbeforemyeyes,becauseI’m99percentsurethat’sabearhurdlingtowardme.
“Saveyourself,Pig
!”Ishriek,chuckingherleashandshovingherbehindabush.Icovermyfaceandbraceforimpact.“I’mtooyoungtodie
!”
Somethingsolidandfluffycollideswithmybody,takingmetotheground.Awetnoseshovesitselfinmyface,snifflingratheraggressively,andbeforehemakesmehisnextmeal,heopenshismouthand…licksme.
Runshisbig,wettonguefrommyjawrightupthesideofmyface,beforemovingtotheothersideandrepeatingtheaction.It’sratherodd,butnottheworstwaytogo,Isuppose.
Icrackonelid,everyounceoffeardrainingfrommybodyatthehappyfacepantingaboveme.
“Ohmygosh,Iam
goingtodie.Yes,Iam!”Theburlyblackdogpeersdownatmewithginormouschocolateeyes,andIburymyhandsinhissoft,longfurandclosemyeyes,leaningintothebathhe’sgivingmewithhistongue.“Youarethehandsomest,sweetestdoggyever,aren’tyou,bigboy?Yes,youare.”Ihughimcloseashisnosemakesahomeinthecrookofmyneck,tailwhippingbackandforthwithhishappydance.“HaveIdiedandgonetoheaven?Ifthisisheaven,I’llstayforever.”
Footstepspoundthroughfallenleaves,crackingtwigs,andadeepvoicecallsoutthatsameterrifyingwordagain.
“Bear
!”
Theburlydogturnsaround,sittinghisexceptionallylargebuttinmylapasifhe’salapdog,notaTibetanMastiffnearlythesamesizeasme.Hepokeshistongueintomyearandrestshischinonmyshoulderasamountainofamanbreaksthroughthethicket,blueeyesbouncingwildly.Whenhespotsus,hesighs,bodydeflatingashegripshishipsanddropshisface.
“JesusChrist,”hegrumbles,rubbinghiseyes.Hespreadhisarmswide,disbelievingyetamusedgazesetonthedogwhomayormaynothaveclaimedmeashis.“Youscaredtheshitouttame,bud!”
Igiggleasthedogtuckshisbigheadintomyneck,andtheman’sgazeflickstomine.Hischeekspinkashelooksmeover.Minedo,too,asIdothesame
“You’rereallytall,”Iblurt.“Ohmygosh,thatwassorude.Ijustmean,like,you’re…”Iswallow.“Supertall.”
Hismouthcracksinagrin.It’ssogenuineandfriendly,sowide,andI’mtakenbackbythesheerbeautyofit.Whenaheartychuckletumblesoutofhismouth,Inuzzlealittlefurtherintothedogatmyside,hidingmyblushasIstudyhisdogdad.
He’s…exceptional.Hiselectricblueeyesareastarkcontrastagainstthegoldenkissofhisskin,thedarkstubblelininghisjaw,andwhenhetakesoffhisbaseballhatandletshisdarkcurlsspringfree,longfingersrunningthroughthem,Iswallow.
HisgrayT-shirtclingstohisbroadbody,showcasingmuscularbiceps,mouth-wateringcordedforearms,andatrimwaist.Mygazefollowsthelineofhisfittedblackshortstohisthickthighs,andIspyatattoopeekingfromthehemofhisrightleg,nearlygrazinghiskneecap.Ifyou’veeverwonderedifthightattoosarehot,theanswerisyes.So.Fucking.Hot
Anotherswallowfromme,andheliftsthehemofhisshirttowipethesweatfromhisforehead,revealing—ohmyshit,isthatafuckingten-pack?Dothoseexist?
Mythroatclosesatthesightofhisimmaculateabs.IndesperateneedofwaterandfreshoutofthekindIreallyrequire—holy—
Ireachforthebackpackstillattachedtomyback.Intheprocess,Ilosemygriponthedog,andmaybesanity,tumblingforwardwithasqueal,face-plantinginthedirt.Thedogatmysideleapstohisfeetwithawoof
,Pigletwhimpersfromthebushshe’sstillhidingbehind,andthemanI’vejustembarrassedmyselfinfrontofrushestomyaid.
Largehandsgripmywaist,liftingmeclearofftheground.
“Igotyou,”hemurmurs,stridingacrossthedirtwithmeinhisarms.
“I’mtooheavy—”
“Iknowyou’renotarguingwithmerightnow,”heteases,settingmedownonaboulder.Warmhandscovermyknees,partingmylegsashekneelsbetweenthemandpeersupatmewithpoolsofblueagirlcoulddrownin.Hebrushesthedirtfrommycheeksbeforereclaimingmyknees.“Ithinkthat’sthesecondtimemydog’stakenyouout.”
Igrin,anothergiggleslippingfree.Hiseyesfalltomymouth,andmyheartslamsagainstmyribcage.
“Tobefair,itwasyourdogthefirsttime,butthistime,Ijustgot…distracted.”
“Distracted?”
“Yeah,youdidthatthingwithyourshirt,andyourabs.”Iclearmythroatintomyfist.“Hotguysdoitinthemoviesallthetime.”
Amusementdancesinhiseyes.“Ah.Sowebothhavesomeapologizingtodothen,huh?”
“Iacceptapologiesintheformoficecreamoricedlattes;I’mnotpicky.”
Hechucklesashisdoglickshisneck.“We’llkeepthatinmindwhenwegetyourapologybaskettogether.”Hiseyesdrop,histhumbgrazingafreshscrapeonmyknee.“I’mreallysorryheknockedyoudown.Heneverrunsofflikethat.It’slikehegotawhiffofyouandtookoff.”
“Honestly,itwasmoremyfaultthananything.IsawhimrunningtowardmeandIfreakedout.I,um…thoughthewasabear.”
Themanlaughsandruffleshisdog’sear.“Hearthat,buddy?Shethoughtyouwereabig,ferociousbear.He’llbebraggingaboutthatallnight.”Hisgazecoastsoverme.“You’resureyou’reokay?You’renothurt?”
Ishakemyheadandwigglemyfingersintheair.“See?Totallyfine.”
Helaughsagain,andI’mstruckbyhowmuchIlikebeingthereason.“Thoseweresomeprettyhalf-assedjazzhands.Yougottastandandgimmethefulltwirlfordramaticeffect.Reallysellittomeifyouwantmetoletyouleaveherewithoutdraggingyoubacktomyplacetocheckyouout.”
Hetakesmyhandandstands,pullingmetomyfeetwhileIhalfcontemplatefakingabrokenbone,becausetakingmehometocheckmeout?Signmethefuckup.
“Wannaknowwhat’sfunny,though?”Hegesturesathisdog.“HisnameisBear.”
Ismackmypalmoffmyforeheadasitallcomestogether.“Oh,duh!Ithoughtyouwerewarningmeaboutanincomingbear.”Igivehisshoulderaplayfulshove.“Soitis
yourfaultIwoundupinthedirt.”
Hewinks.“C’mon.There’sacreekjustupaheadwecangetyoucleanedupin.”
Iknowwherethecreekis,ofcourse.PigletandIwadethroughitafterluncheverytimewe’rehere.Shelovestosplash,andwadinginankle-deepwaterisoneofthewaysI’vebeenslowlyworkingmyselfbackupto—oneday,hopefully—swimming.
ButIdon’tknowthisman,andsomewhereinthesebushesisadog,hidingscared,becauseshedoesn’tknowhimeither.
“Ican’t,actually,butthankyou.”IfindthetailendofPiglet’sleash,lostinallthecommotion.Itleadsmearoundarock,andIfindmysweetgirlcowering.“Hi,beautiful,”Iwhisper,crouchingtoherlevelandditchingmybackpack.Shecreepstowardme,tailbetweenhershakinglegs.Ilookatthemanbehindme,watchinguscuriously.EverylineinhisfacesoftensasPigletnestlesintome.“Piglet’sadogfromtheshelterIworkat.”
HelooksdownatBear.Thecompassioninboththeirgazeswarmsmyheart.“Didwescareyou,girl?Wedidn’tmeanto,buddy,didwe?”
“Ifoundhertiedupoutfrontearlyonemorningafewmonthsago,”Iexplain.“Shewasscaredandanxious,andshesnappedatafewofus.Wedon’tknowwhathappenedtoher,butshewasseverelymalnourishedandhadafewcrackedribs.”Irubthespotbetweenhereyes,andsheleansintomyembrace.“She’sjustasweetsnugglebug,butshe’sstilllearningtotrustpeople.She’sespeciallyscaredofmen.”
Hisfrowndeepens,blueeyesetchedinsadness.HeandBearsharealonglookbeforesinkingtothegroundbehindme.Bearrestshisheadonhispaws,watchingPiglet.
“I’mAdam,bytheway.”
Mycheeksheat,nodoubtturningthesamecolorasmyname.“Rosie.”
“Rosie,”hisdeepvoicemurmurs,dazzlingeyesslowlyroamingmyfaceashissmileeruptsintoabreathtakinggrin.“Ilikethat.”
Ihidemywarmfaceandasmilethat’sequalpartsshyandgiddyasIstrokePiglet’sfur.
Adampicksabladeofgrass,twirlingitbetweenhisfingersbeforeheticklesBear’snosewithit.“DoyoulikehikingwithRosie,Piglet?Ibetyoudon’tknockherdownlikebig,ferociousBear,here,doyou?”
Pigletliftsherheadoffmylapandcocksit,blinkingatAdam.
“Oh,you’reaprettygirl,aren’tyou?Justbeautiful,andIbetyourheartistoo.”
IsmiledownatherasshelooksfrommetoAdam.“Youdon’thavetositherewithus.Iknowit’snotveryfun.Shejustneedsalittlepatience.”
“Wedon’tmind.”HenudgesBear.“Andwecanbepatient,too,can’twe,buddy?Exceptwhenitcomestocheeseburgers.”
Bearwoofs,andwhenIgiggle,Pigletslowlyinchesoffmylap,slidingalongherbelly,alittleclosertotheboys.Bear’searsperk,andhelookstoAdamforinstruction.
“Patience,”Adamremindshimgently.
Bearlayshisheadbackonhispaws,waiting.Slowasmolasses,Pigletmovescloser,oneinchatatime,herbodyrakingacrosstheground,peekingbackatmeaftereachmovementtocheckthatI’mstillhere.
“I’mwithyou,”Iassureher,tryingtokeepahandleonmyexcitement.
Cautiously,Pigletclimbstoherfeet.Bearstaysstillassheroamshisside,sniffinghisear,hisneck,downhisbackallthewaytohishuge,fluffytail,twitchingwithhappiness.Whenshemovesbacktowardhisface,thattailstartsasteadythumpagainsttheground.
PigletliesdowninfrontofBear,nosetonose,twopairsofchocolatebrowneyesstaringateachother,andIclutchmychest,rightwheremyheartisbursting.IlooktoAdamandblushwhenIfindhissmilingeyessetonme.
“You’resocuterightnow,”hewhispers,chucklingatmyflappinghandsasIlookbackatthedogs.
“Me?Theyare!”
Rightoncue,Bearopenshismouth,tonguedippingout,swipingrightacrossPiglet’snose,andIburymyentirefaceinmyhandssoIdon’taccidentallysqueal.
Andthenthemostamazingthinghappens.Mysweet,bravePigstandsagain,turningherattentiontoAdam.Hertailtuckslowforonlyamoment,butashesitsstillandletshersmellhim,itliftsagain.Shestickshernoseinhisface,makinghimchuckle,andthesoftnoisesendshertailwaggingthroughtheair,swipingmeacrosstheface.
“CanIpether?”Adamasks.“Iunderstandifit’stoosoon.Idon’twanttoundoanyofyourprogresswithher.”
BeforeIcananswer,PigletdragshertonguefromAdam’schinrightuptohisforehead,wherethosecurlsspringfreewhensheknockshishatoffhishead.
“Pig!”Isnicker,rockingforward.“Atleasttakehimtodinnerfirst!”
MysnickeringtakesaturnfortheworstwhenPigletclimbsaboardAdam,straddlinghislapandgoingtotownonhisface,andIaccidentallysnort.Iclapmyhandsoverthenoise,butAdam’stoobusylaughing,tryingtofendofftheGermanShepherdinhislapwhoseemstohaveclaimedhimasherown,andBeardecideswe’remissingout.
Hescurriesaroundme,nudgingmyshoulder,myhead,beforefinallygivingupandbulldozingmestraightintoAdam’slap.PigletleapsoffhimasIclaimthespace,floppingontoherback,pawsintheairassheandBearstartrollingaround.
“Bear!”Adamscoldsplayfully,graspingmywristsasItrytorightmyselfbetweenhislegs.“YouknockedRosieoveragain!”
“I’msorry,”Isputter,climbingtomyknees.Igrabhismuscularthigh,waytooclosetothelumpbetweenhislegs,andmyeyeswidenwhenIrealize.Myhandslips,andIfallforward,mychestmashingagainsthis,sendinghimtumblingbackwardwithmeontopofhim.“Sosorry,Adam,Iswear.”Iclawathischest,tryingtopushawaywhilehekeepslaughing.WhenIfinallysitup,flushedandsweaty,IrealizeI’mstraddlingatotalstranger.
Ilookdown.Downathisbroadbody,hisT-shirtpushedup,exposingthatexquisitelycarvedslabofmarble,andarethose—?Holyforkballs,theyare.Thick,poppingveins,oneoneachsideofhistorso,runningbelowthewaistbandofhisshorts,whichIactuallycan’tsee,becauseIamactivelysittingmycrotchrightontopofthisman’scock.
Oops.
“Ah
!”Ishriek,throwingmyselfoffhislap.Myfootcatchesonhisleg,andIstumblebackward,stillshrieking,waitingformyimpendingdeathviafallingoffamountain.
Adamsimplyreachesup,catchingahandfulofmyT-shirt,tuggingmebacktosafety.Ilandbackinhislap,handsonhischest,mybreathingstaggeredandheavy.Myheartbeatdropsbetweenmylegsasthoseblueeyesholdmineandhewhispers,“Don’tgodyingonme,Rosie.I’mnotreadytoletyougoyet.We’veonlyjustmet.”
Allthebloodinmybodyrushestomyface,andmymouthopensandclosesfivehundredtimesbeforeAdamtakespityonme.HegentlyshiftsmeoffhislapandhelpsmetomyfeetbeforehandingmePiglet’sleashandtakingBear’sforhimself.
“MindifBearandIwalkwithyoutwo?”
“Uh…”IswipemywispybangsoffmyforeheadasAdamslingsmybackpackoverhisshoulder.
Hisbrowsquirkwithahintofamusement,andhecockshisheadbeforehestepsforward,makingthedecisionforme.
“C’mon,prettygirls.”CHAPTER3
BUBBLEBUTT
ROSIE
Ihaven’tactuallymovedyet,
incaseyouwerewondering.Iknowit’ssimple,onefootinfrontoftheotherandallthat.But,yousee,it’sthefirsttimeAdamhasgracedmewithhisbackside,and,um…
Themanhasabubblebutt.
Sweetmotherofdragons,it’sglorious.It’sdivine.It’s—
“Youcomin’,Rosie?”
Istartle,shakingawaythebubblebuttfog,andletPigletdragmeovertoAdamandBear.
It’saquiet,peacefulwalk,thedogsexploringaheadofus,pausingfortheoccasionalfallenbranchsnifforforanosekiss.Adam’shandbrushesagainstminemorethanonceasweweavethroughtheuneventerrain,andwhenIstumbleovermyowntwofeet,hesteadiesmebywrappinghislongfingersaroundmine.
There’sasteadybeatinmychestthatthrumsallthewayinmyears,hasmeswallowingbacknervesthathaveappearedoutofnowhere.Idon’tknowhim.Notintheslightest.He’skindandfriendlyandhereIamreadytofallalloverhisfeet.Ineedtoreelmyselfin,sothequietisprobablyforthebest.
Wecometoaforkinthepath,anoldwoodenbridgeupahead.Pigletjogsbacktous,nipsplayfullyatmybackpackhangingoffAdam’sshoulder,andthendoesherinfamousjumpandbuttspin.
“Wealwaysstopatthebridgeandhavelunch,”ItellAdamasPigletleadsustoherfavoritespot.“It’sthehighlightofherday,because,food.”
“Foodisthehighlightofourday,too,Bear,isn’tit?”Adamchucklesashehandsovermybag,watchingmesinktotheedgeofthesmallbridge,bothdogscrawlingallovermeasIpulloutcontainersoffood.
IliftasweetpotatochipasAdamsitsbesideme.“CanBearhaveasnack?They’rehealthyandhomemade.Ihavedehydratedsweetpotatowithabitofcinnamon,andpeanutbutterbananacookies.Imadeeverythingthismorning,soit’sextrafresh.”
Henods,watchingasIfeedthedogs.“Thatsoundshealthy.Whatareyou,avet?”
“Tryingtobe,”Imurmur,cleaningmyhandsafterthedogslickthemclean.
“You’reseriouslyavet?That’ssocool.”
“Notyet,butnextyear,hopefully.”IsmileupathimasIunwrapmysandwichandholdhalfouttohim.“Grilledchickenandpestopanini.”
Hisstomachrumbles.“Ican’teathalfyourlunch.”
Isnicker,stuffingitintohishands.“Yourstomachsaysdifferently.”
Heblushesbutacceptshappily.“Don’tjudgeme,butI’vealreadyhadtwoBigMacstoday.”
“OhGod.”Imoan.“Ihaven’thadaBigMacinyears.”Whenyou’reonabudgetasstrictasmine,youdon’tstrayfromyourcarefullycuratedgrocerylist,excepttoaccommodatewhatevercouponsareintheflyerthatweek.IlookatAdam,notingthatonmysecondbite,he’salreadydevouredhishalf.Ipokehishardstomach.“Youlooklikethekindaguywho’salwayshungry.”Iblanchatmywords,thenquicklybacktrack.“Becauseyou’resotall,Imean.I’mnotsureI’veevermetsomeonethistall.”Iswallow.“Andbroad.”Andhisbutt.Imean,wow.
Adamchuckles,pickinganapplepiecookiefromthecontainerIoffer.“Iamthetallestofmyfriends,andI’mhungrymostofthetime.”Hedevoursthecookieandswallows.“Butyoushouldseemyfriends,CarterandGarrett.They’rehumangarbagedisposals.Ihaveacupboardathomewithsnacksjustforwhentheycomeover.”
“You’rejoking.”
“Nope.Ihavetorefillitweekly.”
PigletstandsandstretchesbeforelyingatAdam’sside,herheadinhislap.AsshedriftstosleepwhileAdamgentlystrokesthespotbetweenhereyes,justhowshelikes,I’mblownawaybytheinstantchangeinherdemeanortoday
“I’venever,everseenthisbefore.Shehasn’treallywarmeduptoanyman.Theonlypersonshe’ssorelaxedwithis,well…me.”
“Don’tworry.”Henudgesmyshoulderwithhis.“Iwon’treplaceyou.”
Igiggle.“Promise?”
“Promise.”Hisgazemovesovermeinaslowsweepthatheatsmyinsides.“’Causeyou’reirreplaceable,Rosie,aren’tyou?”
Idropmygazetomylegs,watchingthemswingabovethesparklingcreekbelow,unabletoholdhisstare.Itfeelsintense,likehe’slookingforsomething.Idon’tknowwhat,butallatonceI’mbothworriedhewon’tfinditandhopinghedoesn’t.
Whateveritishe’slookingfor,I’mnotlikelytostackup.TheonlythingI’veeverbeengoodatbeingissomeone’ssecondchoice.
Fingersflutteragainstmycheekbone,coaxingmygazebacktoAdam’s.Hebrushesmybangsasideandsmiles,twirlingalockofhoneyblondeandpalepinkbeforetuckingitbehindmyear.
“Ilikeyourhair,”hetellsmequietly.
MycheeksheatasItouchoneofthemessy,pinkbunsonmyhead,beforeflutteringdowntothebottomhalfthathangsloose,unrulywavesrestinganinchorsoabovemyshoulders.“Thebuns?Orthecolor?”
“Thosebunsuptoparecuteashell.ButIreallylikethepink.It’skindarosy…justlikeyou.”
Mynosescrunches.“Youthinkso?”
“Mhmm.Prettyandunique.”
Hiskindwordsslowthebeatofmyheart.Normallytheonlypeoplewhogushovermyhairarekids.Instead,Igetjudgmentallooksfrompeopleinthegrocerycheckoutlinewhothinkaperson’slifechoicesarereflectedinsomethingastrivialastheirhaircolor.Ihaven’thadmuchcontrolofanythinginmylife.Thisisonewayformetotakebackcontrol,somethingIdobecauseit’smychoiceandminealone.
SoasAdam’sfingertipsskimmycheekwhenhepullsback,I’msurehefeelsthewarmthhebringstherewhenIwhisper,“Thankyou.”
Afterlunch,wewadethroughtheshallowcreek,thecoolwaterrefreshingonmybarefeet.Adamgoesalittlefarther,untilthewaternearlyreacheshisknees,andIinchbacktolandasmyheartthudsinmychest.
Hejoinsmeafewminuteslaterwithtwohappy,wetdogs,andamblesalongbesidemeasweheadbacktowherewecame.DoIcontemplatedetouringseveraltimesandclaimingI’vegottenuslosttodragthisdayoutalittlelonger?Yes.Yes,Ido.
ButbeforeIknowit,we’reatthetopofthatold,ricketystaircasethatleadsusbackdowntoreality.
AdamstartsdownaheadofmewithBear,andPigletdoesasshealwaysdoes:digsherpawsintothedirt,refusingtomove.
“C’mon,girl,”Icoaxgently.“You’resafewithme;Ipromise.”
Shewhimpersandliesdown,andIsitonthetopstep,pettingherhead.
“Hey,Adam?Goonwithoutus.Pig’safraidofgoingdownthestairs.It’susuallyahalf-houraffair.I’lljust—”
“Here.”Adam’satmysideinaninstant,takingPiglet’sleashinhishand,swappingmeforBear’s.“YoutakeBeardown;I’llgetPig.”
BeforeIcanprotest,heleansdown,kissesherforehead,andthenstandsandpatshischest.Pigletrisestoherhindlegs,pawsonAdam’storso,andhehoistsherintohisarms.
“’Attagirl,”hechimesasmymouthgapes.“Goahead.”
IlookdownatBear,andhecockshisheadtotheside,likehe’sthinkinghemightwantaridetoo.“Notachance,bigfella.”
Hehuffs,thenstartstrottingbackdownthestairs.Whenwereachtheground,Piglet’slookingmightysmugandcontentinAdam’sarms.
Irollmyeyesasshelicksbehindhisear.“Youlittleflirt.”
AdamsetsPigdownandtakeshishatoff,runninghisfingersthroughhistousledcurlsbeforecoveringthemupagain.“Didyoudrivehere?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Doyou,uh…needaride?Iwalkedhere,butIdon’tlivefar.Wecouldwalktomyplace,andIcoulddriveyouback.”
“That’sokay.Theshelterisn’tfarfromhere.”
Adamnods,glancingoverhisshoulder.Hescratcheshisneckandpointsbehindhim.“Well,I’mgoingthatway.”
Ipointintheoppositedirection.“AndI’mgoingthatway.”
Hisheadbobs.“Guessthisiswherewesaygood-bye.”
NowI’mtheonehead-bobbing.It’ssoawkward.SoImakeitahundredtimesmoreawkwardbythrustingmyhandout.“Nicetomeetyou.”
Helooksatmyhand,thenbackuptome.Atmyhandagain,thenme.Hegrins,sowide,soamused,sodamnsmug
.“Ahandshake,huh?Soformal.”
Myeyesnarrow,armsgoingacrossmychest.“Whatdoyousuggest?”
Heshrugs,andwhenhetakesasteptowardme,myheartjumpstomythroat.
“Youknow,Rosie.Iwasn’thavingthebestdaywhenIranintoyou.Orrather,whenmydogtackledyoutotheground.Maybeheknewwhathewasdoing,though.Becausemydaygotahundredtimesbetterafteryoufellintoit.”
Hetakesanotherstepforward,andinallthepanicthatensuesatthethoughtthatthishandsome,kindmanmightactuallybe…flirting
withme,Ilosecontrolofmybody,accidentallycrossingoneankleovertheotherandpromptlytrippingovermyowntwofeet,crashingintohim.
Adamchucklesinmyear,lowandhearty,hisbreathtumblingdownmyneckasheholdsmetohim.“You’retrouble,aren’tyou?”
Thatt-wordsparkssomethinginsideme,somethinglostandbroken,andIclingtoAdamashesqueezesmeforamomentthatendstoosoon.
HegivesPiglet’schinascratch,andwithonelastlookinmydirection,hewinksatme.“Seeyaaround,trouble.”CHAPTER4
I’LLTAKETHEWHOLEBOTTLE,PLEASE
ADAM
I’mdying.
Figuratively,ofcourse.Maybe
literally.Askmeagainintwohours.
Ananklehooksaroundminebelowthetable,andIbarelyresisttheurgetodragmyhandsdownmyface.Iclearmythroat,unhookmyleg,andcarefullytuckbothofmyfeetbelowthesafetyofmychair.Itakeasipofmyredwine,setitdown,andthenpickitrightbackupandthrowbacktherestofthenine-year-oldpinotnoirwhenthetipofAlessia’sheeledfoottouchesmineagain
“Youreallylikewine,huh?”sheasks,blueeyeshooded,lashesbatting.
“Thatobvious,huh?”Idon’tthinkI’veevertossedbacktwoglassesinlessthantenminutes.
Ineedtoquitthisandquitithard.
Thedating,notthewine.Thewinestays,thegirlgoes.
Idon’tknowwhyIkeepthinkingthisonemightbedifferent,thatthemoretimeIspendouthereinthedatingpool,thequickerI’llfindtheone.JaxonsaysI’mdelusional,tojustenjoythedates,takethemhome,andhavesomefun.Idon’tthinkheandIhavethesameideaoffun.
Look,wouldIliketohavesex?Obviously.It’sbeenoverayear.I’mdevelopingprematurearthritisinmywrist,andI’veonlyrecentlyturnedtwenty-six.Butbythetimeeverydateends,I’dratherbesubjectedtoalifetimeofwearingawristbraceandgivingupmycareerasatop-paidgoalieintheNHLthanspendanymoretimewiththesewomen.
Plus,they’renoteveninitforthesex.That’stheproblemalotofguysonmyteamhave:womenwhojustwanttosaythey’vehadsexwithafamoushockeyplayer.
Myproblemistheywantmore.Iwantmore,too,butthemoreIwantisgenuine.Themoretheywantisdollarsigns.
“Oh!Hey,you!”Alessiawavesdownourwaiterashepassesbywithatrayoffood.Shepointsatthenearlyemptybottleofwine.“Couldwegetanotherbottle?”
Scottliftsabrowinmydirection,andwhenInod,hismouthtipsinasmallsmirk.Icomehereabouttwiceamonth,becauseScottrespectsmyprivacyandreadsmycues.Hetendstomydateslikeroyalty,andwhenthingsarelookingespeciallygrim,hetellsmethechefwouldliketomeetme.Thenheshovesmeoutthekitchendoorforafive-minutebreatherwhilehetriestospeeduptherestofthedinnerservice.
Alessialooksaroundtherestaurant,pouting.“Weshouldaskhimtoswitchourtable.We’retuckedallthewayintheback.”
“It’snicebackhere,”Icountersoftly,sippingmyicewater.“It’squiet.”
Jesus,canherpoutpossiblygetanybigger?Howfaroutdoesthatbottomlipgo?“Barelyanyonecanseeusbackhere.”
“Ilikemyprivacy,”ismysimplereply.Idon’tfeellikegettingintoallthereasonswhyshe’dratherbefrontandcenterwithme.
AlessiapoppedintomyinboxonTinderaweekago.Herprofileshowedpicturesofherwithhorsesanddogs,herwithherarmswrappedaroundhergrandmainhernursinghomebed,andhikingthroughtheAppalachianTrail.Shewassweetanddidn’tsayawholelot,justthatBearwascuteinmyprofilepictureandthatshelovedhikingtoo.Threedaysago,Iaskedherifshe’dliketohavedinner,andit’sbeendownhillsince.Thekissingemojis,thenever-endingmessagesthroughoutthedayaskingforconstantupdatesonwhatI’mdoing,whoI’mwith.ThesecondIsawheroutfrontoftherestauranttonight,shethrewherarmsaroundmyneckandplantedherlipstickonmycheek.
Ilikephysicalcontact.Ilikeintimacy.ButIwantittofeelnatural.Likeitdidearliertodaywhenthatlittlehoney-and-rose-colored-haircutietrippedoverherownfeetandtumbledintomewhenItoldhertoshoveherhandshake
MyminddriftstoRosieforthehundredthtimetoday,theeasyblazeofhercheeks,theflecksofgoldthatdancedinthoselightgreeneyes,thewayshesnortedwhenshelaughedandlookedsodamnedrelievedwhenshethoughtIdidn’tnotice.
Everythingaboutherwasnatural.Hersmiles,hergiggles,thetimidwayshekickedoffhershoesandwadedthroughthecreekwithmewhilewatchingthebeautyaroundus.
“Soyoujustre-signedyourcontractwiththeVipers,”Alessiasays,breakingmythoughts.Hereyesglitterwithexcitementassheleanscloser.“Ten-point-fivemillionayearforthenexteightyears?”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’tkeepupwithhockey.”Specifically,shetoldmeshehadtolookmeupwhenItoldherIplayedprofessionally.
Shewavesmywordsaway.“So,whatareyougonnadowithallthatmoney?Buyanewhouse?Wheredoyoulivenow?Howmanybedrooms?Canyouseethemountains?”Hereyeswiden,andshegripsmyhandinbothofhers.“OhmyGod,haveyoueverbeentoParis?It’ssobeautiful,especiallyinthefall.Weshouldtotallygo.”
“Ihavehockey,”Iremindher,tryingtopullmyhandback.Alessialacesourfingerstogether,andIswallowagroanwhenaflashfromaphonegoesofffromacrosstherestaurant.
“Canyoubookaweekoff?”
“That’snothowit—”Isigh.“That’snotreallyhowhockeyworks,notwithacontract.”
“Oh.”Shefrowns,thengrins.“I’veheardit’sbeautifulatChristmastoo.”
“Youtoldmeyouspendthedaywithyourgrandmaatthenursinghome.”
“Gramswillprobablybedeadbythen.Ifshe’snot,I’lljustskip.It’snotlikeshe’llknow.”Shefishesherphoneoutofherpurseandpromptlyshowsmeaseriesofpicturesofherposingnexttohersleepinggrandma,givingthepeacesignwhileshegrinsorpursesherlips.
WhatinthesweetfuckhaveIgottenmyselfinto?
“Um…”Ipourtheremainderofbottlenumberoneintomyglass,thentossitback,hopingit’llburnthememoryofthisconversation.“SoyouhikedtheAppalachianTrail.”
Sherollshereyesandfoldsoverthetable,clappingherhandstoit.“Oh-em-gee,itwastheabsoluteworst
.Ihatenature.Ihatebugs.Ihatewalking.Itreatedmyselftoafive-dayspavacationafterthatnightmare.”
Whateverwasleftofmyheartsinkstomygut,churning.
“Yourbottle,”Scottmurmurs,appearingatourtable.Heuncorksthewine,poursasampleintoeachglass,andsmiles.“Mr.Lockwood,ifyou’dbesokind,ourheadchefwouldlovetomeetyou.He’sabigfanofyours.”
Ileaptomyfeet,mykneescollidingwiththetable,shakingthedishes.Icatchthewineglassesbeforetheycantoppleover.“Absolutely.Forsure.Yes,ofcourse.Ilovemeetingfans.”ItouchAlessia’sshoulder.“I’llberightback.”
Scottleadsmethroughtherestaurantandintoadarkhallway.
“NexttimeIdownhalfabottleoftwo-hundred-dollarwineintenminutes,Ineedyoutopretendthere’sakitchenfireandescortalltheguestsout.I’llcoverthebills.Gotit?”
Scottchuckles.“Loudandclear,Mr.Lockwood.”
***
“Soyoukissedher.”
“Ididnotkissher.Haveyoubeenlisteningtomeatall?”
Cartershrugs.“ThatpictureonInstagramsaysyoukissedher.”
IshoveCarter’sshoulder,andhetripssidewaysinhisrollerblades,steppingoverthecurbandshufflingontothegrass,wherehecatcheshimselfagainstatree.
“Motherfucker,”hebitesout,leapingbackontotheroad,tearingaftermeatfullspeedasItakeoffaheadofhim
Beforehecancatchme,Emmettwrapsanarmaroundhishead,pullinghimbackagainsthim.“Don’tpokethebear.Adam’sgonegrizzlymode.”
Garrettbarksoutalaugh.“Adamnevergoesfullgrizzly.”
Jaxonloopsaroundmeandturns,skatingbackwardsohecansmirkatme.“Iwentfullgrizzlyonthreegirlsinhisparents’bedroomonFridaynight.”
Ipointathim.“You’reatthetopofmyshitlist.”
Hewagshisbrowsandspins,thefiveofussettlingintostridetogether,coastingdownthequietroad.“Soyoudidn’tkissher?”
Itugonmyballcapattheuncomfymemoryoflastnight.IwalkedAlessiatohercar,thankedherforthenice/awfultime,butwhenIopenedherdoor,sheslungherarmsaroundmyneckandpressedherlipstomine.Istoodthereinshockbeforehertonguewormeditswayintomymouth.
I’mnotentirelyproudtosaythat,forawholethreeseconds,Iconsideredit.Ilethertongueglideagainstmine,andmymindwanderedtoaplacewhereIwonderedwhatitwouldbeliketogiveitupforonenight,toforgetaboutwhatIwantandgetsomereleaseforonceinsodamnlong.
ButIcamecrashingbackdowntorealitywiththeflashofherphoneasshetookafuckingselfie
ofusmid-kiss,andthankfuckforthat.
“IstoppedthekissandsaidIdidn’tfeelaconnectionandthatitwouldbebestifwewentourseparateways.”Istrokemycheek,whereIcanstillfeelthestingofherpalm.“Sheslappedmeandsaid,‘Thanksforwastingmytime,’beforeshegotintohercar,slammedherdoor,anddroveoff.”
Carterchuckles.“Neverthoughtit’dbeyougettingslappedoutofallofus.”
Jaxontoucheshischeekandsmiles.“I’veearnedmyfairshare.It’sfueledbysomewildenergy.Normallyendsbackinbed,oragainstawall.Once,weevendroppedrighttothe—”
“Idon’tneedtohearit,”Icuthimoff.“Andnowthere’sapictureofmeandherfloatingaroundtheinternetforever.”
Garrettpullshisphoneout,snickeringatthephotoI’veseenahundredtimestoday,theoneAlessiataggedmeinatthecrackofdawn.“Thecaptionistheworstpart.”
Emmetttakesthephone,clearinghisthroatbeforereadingAlessia’swordsoutloudinthevoicehereservesforhisimpressionofhiswife,Cara.“Hadthebestnightwiththisman,butwassosadwhenIhadtotellhimIdidn’tfeelaloveconnection.Sademoji.Threeoutoffiveonthekissscale.Needssometonguework.”
“Needssometonguework,myass,”Igrumble,skatingupmydriveway.GigglesandshrieksflowfromthebackyardasIflipthelockonmygate.“AndI
toldher
Ididn’tfeeltheconnection!”
“Grizzlymodeactivated.”Cartermakesclawswithhishand.“Rawr
.”Hiseyeslightastheylandonhisdaughter,butbeforehecangetthere,Garrettracesby,scoopsherup,andhugsheragainsthischest.
“Hi,angel,”hecoos,dottingherfacewithkisseswhileshesquealswithlaughter.“UncleGareishere.”
Cartergroans,ballshisfists,andstartsyankinghisrollerbladesoff.“Jennie
!Comegetyourboyfriend!”
Cararollshereyesfromwhereshe’ssunbathingonherstomach.“Actyourage,Carter,notyourshoesize.”ShegrinsupatEmmettasheclapsahandtoherass.“Hi,baby.”
Mypatiodoorslidesopen,andJennieandOliviaslipout.Boththeireyeslightupatthesightoftheirmen,shirtless,sweaty,andfightingoverthesweetestbaby.GarrettfinallygivesIrelandupinfavorofsweepingJennieintohisarms,buryinghisfaceinherneck.
“Keepyourhandsabovethewaist,Andersen,”CartergrumblesasGarrettsqueezesJennie’sbutt.“That’smysister.”HesandwichesababblingIrelandbetweenhimandOlivia.“Mytwoprincesses.”
Jaxonstealsthespotlightashetearsbyeveryone,screaming,“Cannonball
!”beforedisappearingintomypoolwithasix-footsplash.
Oliviafollowsmeintomykitchen,whereIfillaglasswithicewateranddrainitinseconds.
“Datedidn’tgowell,huh?”sheasks,pullingafruittrayfrommyfridge.
“What,thatpictureofuskissingdidn’tconvinceyou?”Ipopapieceofcantaloupeintomymouthasshesnickers.
“Youlookedlikeadeercaughtinheadlights.”
“Maybethat’swhysheonlygavemeathreeoutoffiveonthekissscale.”
Oliviasnorts,butsomuchgenuinecompassionshinesinhereyes.“I’msorryitdidn’tworkout.”
Ishrug.“It’scool.I’mgettingusedtotheideathatthere’snooneoutthereforme.”
Shefrowns.“Idon’tbelievethat,Adam.Notasinglebit.”
“I’mtiredoflooking,”Iadmitquietly.
“Maybethat’sthepoint.Maybewhenyoustoplookingandjustlive…maybethat’swhenyoufindyourmagic.”
IsmileatthethoughtasIhugOlivia’stinyframetominebeforesheheadsoutside.Magicsoundsnice.
MyphoneringsasIpullburgersandsausagesfromthefridge,mymom’sfacestaringupatmefromthescreen.HerdeepbrowneyesandwidegrinasshestandsnexttomeaftermyfirstNHLgame,proudaseverandbarelyreachingmyshoulders,bringmealevelofcomfortthat’shardtofindanywhereelse.
ItuckmyphonebetweenmyearandshoulderasIsetthemeatonaboard.“Hi,Mom.”
“Hi,honey.Whatareyouupto?”
“Abouttostartthebarbecue,”Itellherasashriekandasplashsoundthroughthedoor.
“WishDadandIweretheretojoinyou.”Shehesitates,hertonesomberwhenshespeaksnext.“Maybeweneedtovisitsoonerthanlater.”
Mychesttightens.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Well,yourdadandIareworried,because…”Anotherpause,andisthat—
“Areyoulaughing?”
“No,”shesnickers.“It’sjust,we’rereallyworriedaboutyoubecause—”giggle
“—apparentlyyou’reonlya—”snort
“—threeoutoffiveonthekissscale,”shefinallychokesout,nearlydrownedbytheboomofmydad’slaughter.
“Forfuck’ssake.Youtwoarebrutal.”
“Andshedidn’tfeelaloveconnection
!”Shewheezes,gaspingforair,andmyeyesfindapermanentspaceinthebackofmyhead.
“Don’tforgetthetonguework!”Dadshouts.“Heneedssomeserioustonguework!”
“Ihateyou,”Igrumble.
Whenshefinallygetsahandleonherlaughter—shemightbecrying—shesays,“I’msorry,honey.KeepingupwithyourlovelifeonsocialmediaisourfavoritewaytospendSundaymornings.”
“Notmuchofalovelife.”
“Maybeyouneedtostepbackforabit,”shesuggests.
“Yeah,Olliewasjustsayingthesamething.”
“You’vegotagreatbunchsurroundingyou,honey.Ifyou’relookingforlove,takealookatthepeoplewhoshowupforyoueveryday.Whenyoufindsomeonewhomakesyoufeellikethat,anextensionofyourfamily,you’llknow.”
Iknowshe’sright.ThelaughterthatsurroundsmeonmybestandworstdaysbringsmeacontentmentIcouldn’tlivewithout,andasIheadoutsideandwatchmyfriendsmakemyhometheirown,IknowthatiftheywereallIhadfortherestofthislife,I’dbeokay.
Butitstilldoesn’tstopmefromwishingforsomeonetocallmyownatnighttimewhenthequietsetsin.
“Hi,princess,”Iwhisper,scoopingIrelandupandkissinghertinynose.Itugonthestrapofherpinkginghamsunhat,andshebeamsupatme,toothless,pullinginthoseBeckettdimplesinherfrillybathingsuit.“Jesus,you’recuteasfuck.”
“That’saBecketttrait,”Cartersays,swimmingtotheedgeofthepool.“Ireland,baby,look!LookatDaddy!WatchwhatIcando!”Hepresseshisfeetagainstthepoolwallandlauncheshimselfbackward,flippingunderwater,emergingwithagasp.“Didyouseeme,princess?DidyouseeDaddy?Tenouttaten,right,baby?”
Iticklehercheek.“Wasn’twatching.”
“Aw,man.”Carterslapsthewaterandswimsaway.
“Yourdaddyistoomuchsometimes,isn’the?”ImurmurtoIreland,settingherbackdownonherblanket,stretchingoutbesideher.
HerinnocentgreeneyesstareupatmeasIdriveherfavoritelight-upbugcararoundher,andIcan’thelplettingmymindwanderbacktoanothersetofgreeneyes.I’velostcountofhowmanytimesI’vedonethis,letmythoughtsdrifttoRosie.Thatsweetsmile,thosehoneyblondelockswithstreaksofsoftpink,thegoldfrecklessplashedacrosshercheekbones,thewaythatdoglookedupatherlikeshewasherwholeworld.
Hourslater,whenI’msittingattheedgeofthepool,watchingthesunsinkbehindthespectacularbackdrop,whenit’squietandmydog’sheadrestsonmythigh,I’mstillthinkingabouther
Mypatiodoorslidesopen,andJaxonsitsbesideme,handingmeabeeranddippinghislegsinthewater.“I’llnevergettiredofthisview.”
“Meneither.”Itakealongpullonmydrink,lickingthetastefrommylips,andforthehundredthtime,IwonderwhatRosie’smouthtasteslike.Jaxon’sprobablynottheonetotalktoaboutthis,buthe’stheonlyothersingleoneinourgroup,sohe’stheonlyonestillheretonight.“Imetsomeoneyesterday.”
“Yeah,dude,Iknow.Thatpicturehastwo-hundred-and-fiftythousandlikesonInstagram.Everyoneknows.”
Ichuckle,anexhaustedsound,andscrubmyeyes.“Someoneelse.Yesterday,whenBearandIwentforahike.”
Hisbrowsrise.“Oh?And?Spillthetea.”
“Shewas…Idonno.”Ipalmthebackofmyneck,thinkingbackonRosie.“Socute.She’sinvetschool,andshewaswalkingadogfromtheanimalshelter.She’dmadespecialtreatsforthedog,andshesharedsomewithBear.Sharedherlunchwithmetoo.Thedogshewaswithhashadaroughlife,shesaid,andshewasjustsopatientwithher.”Ishrug.“Shewasjustreallysweet.”
“You’retellingmeyoufoundsomeonewhoactually
likesdogsandisn’tjustpretending?Youhitthejackpot,buddy.”
“Shutup,asshole.”
Helaughs,sipshisbeer.“Seriously.Soundslikesomethingworthexploring.”
“Yeah,Ithinkso.”
“Andhowwassheaboutthehockeystuff?”
“Didn’tcomeup.”IrememberthewayIsearchedhereyesforanyhintofexcitementwhenIintroducedmyself,howherwidegazegavenothingaway.“Idon’tthinksherecognizedme.”
“Notahugehockeyfan,then.That’sokay.Kindawhatyouwanted,right?”
“Wouldbenicetoknowifshelikesmeforme,that’sforsure.”
“Soyougonnacallherandaskherout?”
Icringe.“Iwould,but,uh…Ididn’tgethernumber.”
“Jesus,Adam,rookiemistake.”
“Iwasn’tthinkingstraight.Iwasall…”Irunahandthroughmyhair,tugging.“Bamboozled.”
Jaxonlaughs.“Sogobacknextweekend.Sametime,sameplace.Betshe’sthere.”
“That’skinda…logical.Butisittoomuch?Itfeelsstalker-ish.Idon’twannascareheroff.”
“Nah.Aguydeterminedtotrackdownacutieheconnectedwith?Girlseatthatshitup.Plus,ifyoufeltsomething,somethingthatmightbereal…”Heshrugsagain.“Youdon’twannalosethatchance.Chaseit.”
Iwatchhimquietlyforamoment,casuallydrinkinghisbeerashestaresoutatthemountains.“Youdon’thaveasoftspot,Jaxon,doyou?”
“Nah,fuckthat.”
“Soundslikeyou’reasoftieforloveunderneaththattoughexterior.”Mygringrowsasheshakeshishead.“Soundslikeyoumightknowhowtoactuallycourtawoman,notjustsleepwithher.”
“Allright.”Heyanksmybeeroutofmyhandsandstridestowardthehouse.“You’vehadenough.I’mmakingyouacoffee.”
Ichuckleasheheadsinside,andBearcrackshissleepyeyes,lookingupatmebeneaththesettingsun.
“Whatdoyouthink,Bear?Dowegiveitashot?”Iblowoutabreathasthesundoesitsfinaldipandthestarsbegintopaintthesky.“Maybeshe’lllikeusforexactlywhoweare.”
***
DidIreallyletJaxontalkmeintothis?
“WhatamIdoinghere?”IlookdownatBear,wherehewaitspatiently,thenbackatthesmallbuildinginfrontofme.Ithrowmyarmsup.“Let’sgo.Thisisstupid.It’sprobablynoteventherightshelter.Andsheprobablywon’tevenrememberus.”
Beargivesmeanangrywoof
,likehe’sdisagreeingabouthowmemorableIseemtothinkheis.Hetakeshisleashinhisteethandtugs,tryingtoleadmetowardWildheartAnimalSanctuary.
“C’mon,buddy.Let’sgo.Ifwe’remeanttoseeheragain,then—”
Thesoundofsoftlaughterstealsmywordswhenthefrontdooropens,andaGermanShepherdleapsoutside,allbutdraggingalittlethingwithhoneyblondeandrosegoldwavestumblingfromthemessybunontopofherhead.
IwatchasPiglettrotsforwardthreequickstepsbeforejumpingintotheair,likeshe’sneverbeensoexcited,andRosiecan’tgetenoughofit.
Bearwhimpersatthesightofthem,thosetwogirlswhomighthavestolenaspotinourheartsaweekago,andtwopairsofeyessnaptous.Pigletcowers,hidingbetweenRosie’slegsuntilsherecognizesus.Slowly,shestepsbackintothesunshine,looksupatRosie,backtous,andstartswaggingthattailofhers.
Rosie’seyesflashwithrecognition,surprise,andtheknotsinmystomachtightenasIbattlebetweentheurgetorunandthedesiretostay.
“Adam?”
“Hi,Rosie.”Itcomesoutsuperfuckingcroaky,andIpalmthebackofmyclammyneckassheapproachesmeslowly,curiositydancinginhersoft,jadeeyes.“I,uh…Iwasn’tsureifthiswastherightshelter,butit’stheclosestone,andIfiguredmaybeyounormallygoatthesametimeeverySaturday,and…”Iclearmythroatintomyfist.“Ithoughtitwouldbeniceifthedogscouldhiketogetheragain,sincetheyseemedtoreallylikeeachother.Youknow,forthedogs.”
Thatgringrows,sohuge,sodazzling,andRosiebobsherheadinagreement.“Oh,yes.Definitely.Forthedogs.”
“Andmaybemetoo,”Iadmit.“I,um…Ilikedwalkingwithyou.Andtalkingwithyou.Andeatingyou.No,fuck.”Isqueezemyeyesshutandshakemyhead.“Fuck,no,that’snotwhatI—eatingwith
you.Yoursandwiches.Notyour…”Igestureathercrotch.Holyfuck,Igesturedatherfuckingcrotch.I’mturningintoGarrett.
Ineedhelp.Ineedanintervention.Ihaveacrush,andIdon’tknowwhattodowithit.It’sbeenwaytoolong.ShouldIcallCarter?Ishereallymybestbetforadvice?No,I’llcallOlivia.She’ssensible.Shecanhelpmethroughthis.Maybeshecangatherthegirls.
Ipointdownthesidewalk.“I’lljustgonow.”
AburstoflaughterchasesbehindmewhenIturnaround.EverythinginsidemesettlesatRosie’snextwords,atherhandwrappingaroundmywrist,stoppingme.
“We’dlovetowalkwithyou.”CHAPTER5
TROUBLEWITHACAPITALT
ADAM
She’ssopretty.
Doessheknowhowprettysheis?Herhairlookssosoft,Ijustwanttotouchit.She’sgotthesefreckles,likeliquidgold,dottingthebridgeofhernoseandsweepingoverhercheekbones.Herchinhasthetiniestdimpleinit,rightthereinthemiddle,andwhenshesmiles,I—
“You’remakingmenervous.”
Itripovermyfeet,joltingforward.“What?”
Rosiesnickers,andwhenshedoes,hernosedoesthiscutelittlescrunchything.“Youhaven’tsaidawordintenminutes,Adam.You’rejustwalkinginsilence,staringatme.”Sheswipesatherchin.“DoIhavesomethingonmyface?IhadapeanutbutterandjamsandwichearlierandItendtobeanincrediblymessyeater.”Sheswingsherheadoverhershoulder,tryingtolookatherbutt.“OrdidIsitinsomething?Youwouldn’tbelievehowmanytimesI’vedonethat
,onlytofindouthourslaterwhenItakemyclothesoff.”
Ichuckle.“No,youdon’thavejamonyourface,andyoudidn’tsitinsomething.Yourbuttisper—”Ihalt.Rosieblinksatme.Iblinkback.“Pur
ple.”Igestureatherbuttinherskintightlilacleggings.“Yourpantsarepurple,soyourbuttisalso…purple.NotthatIwaslooking.”
Iwastotallylooking.
Rosietucksashortpetal-pinkwavebehindherear.“Thanks…Ithink?”
Inod.“Yeah,they’reniceleggings.”Idolovetheleggings,almostasmuchasIlovetheass,andnotbecauseofthecolor.
Becauseherhipsarefullandroundasfuck,andI’mnotproudtosayeverysingletimesheskipsaheadofme,myeyeszeroinonthatperfectassinthosesculptedpants.Whohadanyrightgivingheranasslikethat?Itluresmymindtodark,forbiddenplaces,likewhatitwouldfeelliketograbitinmyhands,lifthertomeandpressheragainstatree.
Iwanttofeelher.Touchher.Iwanttobrushmythumboverthattinydimpleinherchin,skimmyhandovertheflareofherhip,tanglemyfingerswithhers,andjustfeel
.Iwanttofuckingfeelsomething,anything,andIjustwantittofeelright
“I’msorry,”Ifinallysay.“I’minmyownheadtoday.Everyday,really.”
“That’sokay.Iliveinmine.It’sanoverwhelmingplacetobesometimes.Oh!”Sheclapsmyshoulderandturns,walkingbackwardinfrontofme.“Doyoueverdothatworst-case-scenariothing?”
Iliftabrow.“Worst-case-scenariothing?”
Shelaysahandoverherchest.“I’maworst-case-scenarioexpert.”Sheflipsbackaroundandjoinsmyside,clutchingmyelbowaswewalk.“SoIstartbythinkingaboutoneseeminglyinsignificantthing,andthenIaccidentallythinkofsomethingbadthatcouldhappenbecauseofit,thenanothersomethingbad,andbeforeIknowit,I’vegotalistofallthehorrible,terrifyingthingsthatcouldgowrongifIwadetoodeepinthewater,orifIgoforawalkatnighttime,orifIgrowabackbone,openmymouth,andfinallytellsomebodyno.”Shewatchesmyblankfaceforamoment,thencringes.“Sorry.Mylevelofanxietyisalmostalwaysunmatched.”ShepointsatPiglet,roamingupaheadwithBear.“ExceptwithPig.Andsee,nowI’mdoingthatworst-case-scenariothingwhereI’mthinkingyousuddenlywishyouhadn’taskedmetowalkwithyou,andnowyou’rethinkingofwaystoendthis,andwhatifyou’redesperateenoughtorollmerightoffthecliff?”Wideeyesstareupatme.“Pleasedon’tkillme.”
Arumbleoflaughterescapesfromdeepinmychest,andItossanarmaroundhershoulders.“Iwouldn’tdreamoftakingyouout.HowwouldIstareatyourpurplepants?”
“Youmeanmybutt?”
“Careful,trouble.”
There’sthatflush,thesamecolorashername,blotchingthosecheekbones.
“Igetwhatyoumean,though,”Itellher.“Igetlostinmythoughts,andtheyrunawaywiththingsthatcouldgowrong,howImightnotbeseeingsomethingclearly,orhowhistorymightrepeatitself.It’sconfusingand…”
“Daunting.”
“Yeah,itis.Makesmepauseaboutalotofthings.
“Makesmemissoutonalotofchances,”sheaddsquietly.
“Hey.”Nudgingherside,Ismile,becauseIwanttoseehersagain.“Keepmearound,andyouwon’tmissoutonanything.I’llshowupatthesheltersoyoudon’thaveachoice.”
Shecracksawide,hopefulgrin,extrapartsgoofy.“Onemightthinkyou’restalkingme.”
“That’swhatIsaid!Myfriendsaidgirlslikethatstuff,though.”
Hereyescometomine,curiousandalittlehesitant,anotherblushstaininghercheeks.“Youtalkedtoyourfriendaboutme?”
There’sapartofme,suchalargepart,that’suncertain.WorriedI’mseeingsomething,feelingsomethingthatisn’treallyhere.ThatI’vegottendesperateenoughtoconvincemyselfshe’sinterested.Imean,really
interested.Andthatfearstealsmywords.
Instead,Ismilesoftlyandtakeherhand,helpingheroveraclusterofrocksandtothebridge.Shedropstoherbuttontheedgeofthewood,feetdanglingoverthecreek,andIsinkdownbesideher.Thedogsrushtohersidewhenshepullsherbackpackontoherlap,andIwatchasBearbehaveslikeaperfectangelasshehashimsittallandstill,showinghimhiscookiebeforesheoffersittohim.Hetakesitdelicatelyandlickshercheekwhenhe’sdone.RosiegigglesandkisseshisnosebeforedoingthesamewithPiglet,andafterlappingsomewaterfromacollapsiblebowl,thetwodogscurluptogetherbehindus.
“PigletseemstolikeBear,”Iobserve.
“Becauseshe’ssoanxiouswithpeople,shedoesn’tgetmuchinthewayofpupsocializationatWildheart.She’sselectiveaboutwhoshegiveshertrustto,anditmakesmesadtothinkofherspendingsomuchtimeinherownhead.I’msohappythatshe’smadeafriend.”
“ThenweshouldwalktogethereverySaturday,huh?”
Rosiesmilesdownatherbag.“Ifyou’dliketo.”
“Iwould.Wouldyou?”
Thistime,herblushmakesitswayuptothetipsofherears.“Yeah.IthinkIwould.”
“Cool.It’sadate.”
Rosie’seyesflicktomine,aseaofcuriosityandnervesthatswirlassheexaminesmebeneathherlashes.Herbangscurtainherface,brushinghertemplesandnotlettingherhidethoseemotionsshewearssofreely.Sheopenshermouthbutseemstosecond-guess,insteadchoosingtotakeherlowerlipbetweenherteethandfocusherattentiononherbackpack,aslighttremortoherhands.
Shehandsmetwosandwichesandamuffin.“Here.Foryou.”
“Youmadelunchforme?”
“Ithought,youknow,justincaseweranintoyouagain,andyouwantedtoeatwithus.It’saturkeybaconclubwithSwissonsourdough.It’snobigdeal.Ifyoudon’twantit—”
“Itisabigdeal.”Ilaymyhandoverherfumblingone,stoppingthenervouswayshe’stearingattheedgeofhersandwich.“Youthoughtofme,andthat’sabigdealtome.”Istrokeherwristwithmythumb,andhereyestrackthemovementbeforeliftingtomine.“Thankyou,Rosie.”
Andthen,toeasethethicktensionintheair,Isighhappily.“Ihaven’teatensincesecondbreakfast.”
“Secondbreakfast?”
“I’dwasteawayifIonlyhadthefirst.”
There’sthatsnicker-snort,evenifshehidesitbehindhermuffin.Whenshe’sdone,shehandsmeawipetocleanmyhands,offersthedogsanothercookie,andrefillstheirwaterbowlonelasttimebeforewepackeverythingaway.
Itakeherhand,helpingherbackovertherocks,andtiltmyheadtowardthesparklingcreek.“Walkthroughthewaterwithme?”
Shehesitateslikeshemightsayno,butBearracesahead,splashingintothewater,andPiglettugsonherleash,yankingRosieforwardasshechasesafterBear.
“Here,”Isaywithachuckle,takingPiglet’sleash.Ikickoffmyshoesandsocksandfollowthedogsintothewater.“Gosit.Dipyourtoeswhileweplay.”
Shenods,takingaseatontheedgeofthebank,watchingusasshedipsherfeet.Thedogsplowaroundinfrontofme,wrestlingandrolling,untilthethreeofusaresoakedtothebone.Theystopforarest,lyinginthesunshine,andthequietsloshofwaterdrawsmyattentionovermyshoulder.
Rosieslowlymakesherwaytowardus,onehandatherjaw,theotherclutchingtheneckofhershirt.Shelooksupatme,anunsteadysmilespreadinginslowmotion,andIgrin,holdingmyhandouttoher.
Herwarmpalmslidesagainstmine,andIgraspittightly,pullingherintome.Idon’twanttoletgo,butIdo,andtogetherwewadethroughtheshallowwater.
Afterafewpeacefulminutes,Rosie’snextstephasthewaterrisingsuddenlytoherknees,pullingasharpgaspfromher.“Oh
.Ididn’tknowitgotsodeep.”
Shefranticallystepsbackward,clawingatthebackofmyshirtbeforesheslipsonarockandnearlytumblesstraighttoherass.Icatchheraroundthewaist,hersoftcurvesmeltingbeneathmypalmasshefistsmyshirt.Thetipsofmyfingersdigintoherhipsasshepeersupatme,pinklipsparting,eachpuffofbreathkissingmylipsasIholdhertome,staringdownatherheart-shapedface.
“Careful,trouble.”
Herfingerstightenaroundmyshirtandhergazefallstomymouth.Thensheblinks,shakesherhead,andpushesusbothup.Pigletrushestoherside,sniffingRosie’slegs,herhands,beforefinallylickingherwherevershecangethertongue.
Rosiepatsherhead.“I’mfine,Pig,butthankyouanywayforthekisses.”Hereyescometomineforonlyamomentbeforedartingaway.“Sorry.Freakedoutabitthere.”
“Don’tapologize.You’reprettyshort;weshouldstaywhereit’sshallow.”
Sheguffaws.“Iamnot
short.”
“That’swhatallshortpeoplesay.”
“I—”Rosiehuffs,pinningherarmsacrossherchest.“I’mnotshort.”
Igrin,tappingthecornerofherpout.“Whatareyou,five-four?”
Shepointsacute-as-fuck,stubbornnosetothesky.“Five-five,thankyouverymuch.ButIsupposethatlooksteensytinycomparedtoyourmonstrousheight.”
Istiflealaugh.“SorryImissedthatlastinch.”
“Aninchisveryimportant.”
“Oh,Icompletelyagree.Oneinchmightmeanthedifferencebetweenadisappointingnightandonespentscreamingforalltherightreasons.”ThewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeIcanoverthinkthem,andIwaitforthemtosettle.Rosie’smouthpopsopen,theheatinhercheeksreturninglikemoltenlava,andIwink.
Snappinghermouthshut,shescruncheshernosetohideheramusementandswatsmyshoulder.“Dirtyboy.Ihopeforyoursake,andthesakeofallthegirlswhospendthosenightswithyou,you’vegotthatextrainch.”
Ibarkalaugh.“Therearenogirls.”
Herbrowshike.“None?”
“Notasingleone.”
“Hmmm.”Sheleanscloser,beckoningmelikeshehasasecret,andIdipmyhead,acocktailofexcitementandnervesracingdownmyspineasherwarmbreathtouchesmyear.“Isitbecauseyoudon’thavethatextrainch?”
Iwhipawaywithasharpgaspandahandpressedtomychest.Whenshebreaksoutintoafitofgiggles,Igivethebunonherheadagentletug.“YoureallyaretroublewithacapitalT
,aren’tyou?”
Herlaughterslowlyceases,andshedropsherattentiontohertoes.
“Notafanofthenickname?”
“Trouble?”
“Mmm.”
Shestaresatthebrightbluesky,afar-offsmilecurvingherlips.“Loveit,actually.MydadcoineditwhenIwastwo.”
“Ah,sowebothsawrightthroughthosewidegreeneyesandinnocentsmile.”
“Hey.”Shenarrowshereyesandpokesmystomach.“I’llhaveyouknowthemosttroubleIevergotinasakidwasbringinghomeababybunnyIfoundatthepark.Itwasallalone,soIthoughtitlostitsmomandIwasdoingtherightthing.Dadexplainedthatmotherrabbitsleavethemduringthedaytoprotectthemfrompredators,thatshewouldbelookingforherbabywhenthesunwentdownandshecamebacktofeedit.Iwasdistraughtwithmyselffortakingitfromitsmom.”
“Comeon.Theworstthingyoueverdidwassaveababybunnyfromwhatyouthoughtmightbestarvation?Noway,Idon’tbuyit.”
“It’strue!Iwasagoodkid.MyparentsandIwerealwayssobusyinoursparetime,hiking,camping,exploring…”Sheshrugs.“IguessIneverreallyhadachancetostrayoffcourse.”
“Andasateenager?”
Somethinginherexpressionchanges,thelightinhereyesdimming,stealingallherexcitement.“Iwasanevenbetterteenager.Soquiet,nooneevennoticedme.”Sheturnsaway,wadingbacktoshore.“I’vegottastartheadingback.”Herreservedsmilequicklyspiralsintolaughterasthedogsclaimherfeet,cleaningthewateroffasshetriestopullhersockson.“Stop
,”shesqueals,flippingover,crawlingawayonherhandsandknees.“Myfeetareticklish!”
Seeingheronherhandsandkneeswithherfull,roundassintheairdoessomethingtome.Itunlockssomethingdarkandferal,sohungryIhavetoturnaway,runashakypalmovermymouth.
God,Ican’trememberthelasttimeI’vebeenthisturnedon,thisattractedtosomeone.It’snotjustthewildfuckingcurves
,theflareofherwidehips,thedipinherwaistwhereI’mdesperatetowatchmyfingertipsdiginanddisappear.
It’sthewayherentirebodycomesalivewhenshelaughs,hernosecrinklingrightalongwithit.It’sthewayhereyeslightwithexcitementanddimwithdisappointment,unabletohideasingleemotioncoursingthroughher,leavingherwideopen,beggingtobereadlikeyourfavoritebook.Howherteethdescendonthatlowerlip,nibblingwhenshe’splayingshy.Howshe’sunabletoholdthatsmilebackwhenitwantstobreakfree,andthewayitdragsmineoutlikeamagnet,becausewhenshesmiles,everythingfeelsright.
It’sthewayshelovesthedogssowholly,showsPigletneverendingpatience.It’sbringingextrasandwichesonherhike,justincase,becauseshethoughtofme
It’snotthatIfeellessfracturedwithRosie,butthatthelightstreamsinanyway,betweenalltheshatteredpiecesleftbehind.Ifindbeautythere,asenseofpeacethattellsmegoodthingsarewaiting.
Maybeit’sdenseofmetobesohopefulaftereverything,thebetrayals,thelies,thecountlessdateswithanythingbuttherightintentions.MaybeI’velostmymind,thinkingIcanfindanytypeofsolaceinsomeoneIbarelyknow.
ButI’dratherbehopefulthanacceptthemoreguttingoption:thatIwon’tfindwhatmyfriendshave,thetypeoflovemyparentstaughtmetowaitfor.
RosieandIwalkinsilenceasthedogstrotaheadofus,andafterafewminutesshenudgesmyside.“Sowhataboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”
“Wereyouasweetkidoraterror?”
Ichuckle,skimmingmyjawasIadmit,“Iwasalittleshit.Myparentsalwaystaughtmetobekindandhelpful;thatwasneveranissue.IjustfoundmyselfinalotofplacesIshouldn’tbe.Likeinafour-feet-deepholeinmyGrandma’sbackgardenwhenItestedwhetheryoureallycould
digyourwaytoChina.”IpointafingerinRosie’samusedface.“Youcan’t,bytheway,sodon’twasteyourenergy.ThentherewasthattimeatthecottagewhenIcollectedabucketoffrogsandbroughtthemtomymomwhileshewasnappingonthecouch.Shewasscaredoffrogs,butIwantedtoshowhertherewasnothingtobescaredofbecausethey’rejusthoppy,gentlelittleguys,andalittleslimewon’thurtyou.It,uh,reallydidn’tgotoplan.”IpalmthebackofmyneckasIrememberhowshecrackedonelidwhenIwhisperedIhadasurpriseforher,howsheshotup,accidentallyknockingthebucketfrommyhand,trippedovertheblanket,andface-plantedonthefloorasalltwelvefrogsleaptaroundthelivingroom.“RemindmetocallmymomandapologizeforthehundredthtimewhenIgethome.”
“Aw,comeon.Youwerejustalittlekid!Yourheartwasintherightplace.Youmusthavebeen,what?Five?Six?”
Irunahandovermymouthtohidemyguiltysmile.“Thirteen.”
“Thirteen
?Adam!Callyourmamarightnowandapologize!”
“Iknow,Iknow.Itoldyou:Iwasalittleshit.Buthey,Iturnedoutallright.”Igrin,extracharming,andwagglemybrows.“I’veevenbeencalledangelicasanadult.”
Shesnorts,rollinghereyes.“Cockytoo.Andwhataboutnicknames?Doyouhaveany?”
“Woody,Iguess,wouldbetheonlyone.”
“Woody?Why?”
Itellherthehalftruth,becauseI’mnottellingheraboutthehotelincident.“BecausemylastnameisLockwood.”
“Lockwood,”shemurmurs,andIholdmybreath,waitingforhertoputmyfirstandlastnametogether,forrecognitiontohit.Waitingforthishappy,safebubbleI’vefoundmyselfintofinallyburst.
Butitdoesn’t.
Shesmiles,holdingherhandout.“Nicetomeetyou,AdamLockwood.I’mRosieWells.”
Ichuckle,tuggingherintomyside,swingingmyarmaroundhershoulders.“You’recuteasfuck,RosieWells.”Beartossesmeastareoverhisshoulder,andIrollmyeyes.“You,too,Bear.”Pigletswingsaround,hammeringBearinthefacewithherbutt,andboundsovertous,tonguehangingoutofhermouth.“Andyou,too,prettyPig.”
SheloopsthroughRosie’slegswithawhimper,bigbrowneyespeekingatthetopofthestairsastheycomeintoview.IhandBear’sleashtoRosieandpatmychest.
“C’mon,girl.”
“You’regonnathrowyourbackoutoneofthesedays,”RosiescoldsasIliftPigletintomyarms.
“Nah.”IshiftPiglettoonearmandflexthebiceponmyother.“I’mbigandstrong.”
“Yourdaddythinkshe’sallthatandabagofpotatochips,Bear,doesn’the?”shewhisperstohimastheystartdownthestairs,andthelittleshitbarkshisagreement.“Right,ifhereallywantedtoimpressus,he’dcarryyoutoo.”
“Icanhearyou!”
Sheflashesmeabrilliantsmileoverhershoulder.“You’redoinggreat,Adam!Wow,you’resostrong!”
“Women,”Imutter,andPigstickshertongueinmyear.
Ispendtheten-minutewalktoWildheartcontemplatinghowtocasuallydropthatI’mafamousprofessionalathlete,thatIthinkshe’sreallypretty,anditwouldbesupergreatifshewantedtomaybe,like…spendsometimewithme.Eatamealshedoesn’tmakeme,maybehaveaglassofwinethatIcantastefromherlipsafter.
Iopenmymouthapproximatelytwentythousandtimesandsnapitshutinfavorofsilenceeachtime.
Rosie’snotdoingmuchbetterthanme.She’sstandinghereinfrontofme,twirlingapinklockandscuffingatthegroundwithhershoes,beat-upNikeswithawhiteandbluefloralswoosh.Hereyesbouncebetweenherfeetandmyface,hercheeksgrowingwarmerwitheachpass.
“Well,Iguess—”
“Doyouwannahavedinnerwithme?”Iblurt,andsuddenlymycheeksareasredashers.
“Dinner?”
“IknowweagreedtohikeagainnextSaturday,butitwouldbenicetoseeyoubeforethen.”
Wide,hopefuleyespeerupatmine.“Beforethen?”
“Beforethen.”
“BeforeSaturday?”
“BeforeSaturday.”
Shebitesherlip,scruncheshernose.“Like…when?”
Tonight
isonthetipofmytongue,butit’stoosoon.Ineedhelp.Maybeprofessional.Ineedtocallameeting.
Ineedamotherfuckinggirls’night.
“WhataboutWednesday?You,me,anddinner.”
Somethingsparksinhereyes,lightingherfromtheinsideout.Herhandscurlintoeagerfistsathersides.“Oh,yeah,Icoulddothat.I’mreallygoodateatingdinner.”Herjawdrops,andsheclapsbothhandsoverhermouth.“Ohmygosh.I’mreallygoodateatingdinner.DidIjustsaythatoutloud?Idid,didn’tI?”
“Youdid,”Iconfirm,paniceasingitsgriponmythroat.“ButitwasnoworsethanearliertodaywhenIsaidIlikedeatingyouandthenpointedatyourcrotch.”Itakeherhandsinmine,mythumbmovingoverthechippedpurplepolishonherfingernails.“So…dinner?Wednesday?”
Rosienodseagerly,thenpauses.“Butwait.Isitjustafrienddate?Orisitlike…adinnerdate?Likeadate-date?Liketwopeoplehavingdinner,likea…”
“Date?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”Igrin.“It’sadate.”
“Okay.Cool.Socool.”Herheadbobs.“Ilikethat.”
“Good.”IbringherbodyintomineforoneofthosehugsI’vebeenthinkingaboutallweek.Shesmellssummery,likecoconut,melon,andfreshlaundry,andIsinkintothewayshefeelsagainstme,soft,warm,andjustright.“BecauseIgottatellya,Rosie,thethoughtsI’vebeenhavingwouldgetjustafriend
intoanawfullotoftrouble.”
Bythetimewe’veexchangednumbersandshe’sdisappearinginside,she’sstillrockingavolcanicflushthatpaintsherwholebody,warmenoughIcanstillfeelitasIstartbackhome.
Openinganewmessagethread,ItypeinOlivia,Cara,andJennie’snames.
Me
Ineedyourhelp.Imetagirl.
Olivia
OMG!Adam!!!*hearteyesemoji**happytearsemoji**brideemoji**groomemoji*
Jennie
Myguy!!!*eggplantemoji**peachemoji**waterdropletsemoji*
I’vegotsometoyrecsifyoutwowannagetcreative.
<link>Thisone’smyfav.IthreatentoreplaceGarrettwithitatleast2x/week.
Cara
Well,well,well.Lookwho’scomecrawlingtothemastersforadvice.You’vecometotherightplace,younggrasshopper.
CarachangedthegroupchatnametoJourneytoPussyPalace.
Me
Care,whatthefuck???
Cara:Sorry,babe*sademoji*Itried“Adam’sRoadtoHope:OneMan’sJourneytoPussyPalace”butitwastoolong.
JesusChrist.
WhatthehelldidIjustgetmyselfinto?CHAPTER6
ADAM’SROADTOHOPE:ONEMAN’SJOURNEYTOPUSSYPALACE
ADAM
“Welcome,
everyone,tothefirstofficialmeetingof‘Adam’sRoadtoHope:OneMan’sJourneytoPussyPalace.’Don’tforgettopickupagiftbasketandgetyourtimecardspunchedonthewayout.Sangriaisinthefridge,snacksareonthetable,andpizzawillbehereinthirty.”Caraslingsonelegovertheother,claspsherhandstogetherunderherchin,andsmiles.“Classisnowinsession.”
“Cara,forfuck’ssake.”Iburymyfacebehindonehandbeforethrowingbotharmsoutwide.“Canwestopcallingitthat?”
“Class?Iguess,ifyouwanttobepicky.”
“No,notclass.JourneytoPussyPal…ugh,forgetit.”Isinkintothecouchcushions,pinningmyarmsovermychestandtoeingatthecoffeetable.“Don’tevenknowifIwantagirlfriendifshe’llbeanythinglikeyou,”Igrumble.
“Oh,sweetie.”Shepatsmyhand.“Youcouldn’thandleme.”
“AndwhyisHankhere?”Igestureatouroldfriend.“Nooffense,Hank.Iloveyou,butyoujustfeelabitoutofplaceatthis…this…”
“AtAdam’sRoadtoHope:OneMan’sJourneytoPussyPalace,”Carafinishesforme.“Canyoubelieveit,Hank?Adamthinksyou’retoooldtobehere.”
“Ididn’tsaythat!It’sjust,youknow…you’reeighty-sixyearsold.”
Hegrins,strokingbothBearandDublin’sheadsfromwheretheyrestinhislap.Dublinusedtobehisguidedog,butwhenhemovedintoanursinghomeayearago,DublinwenttolivewithCarterandOlivia.Hankgetsallthepupsnugglesfromthesetwowhenhe’saround.
“I’vebeentoldI’mquitetheladies’man,Mr.Lockwood,eveninmyoldage.Andsomethingaboutsagewisdom,blah,blah,blah.”Hewaveshisownwordsoff.“Whyyoupeoplecontinuetolistentothewordsthatcomeoutofmymouthisbeyondme,butifyouneedhelpgettingwomen—”
“Idon’tneedhelpgetting—okay,Ineedalittlehelp,butIreallydon’tthinkit’s—fine,IhavenoideawhatI’mdoing.”IsnatchthebowlofAllDressedchipsoffthetable,huggingitasItossahandfulinmymouth.“Gonnadiea-wonen’wifase-wiouscaseub—”Iswallow“—arthritisinmywrist.”
Oliviapatsmythigh.“That’snottrue,Adam.”
“Yeah,Adam.”Jenniesnickers.“Theyhavetoysforthatsoyoudon’thavetodoanyoftheworkyourself.Youdon’thavetodoomyourselftoalifeofarthritis.”
IrollmyeyesandtossapillowatherandCarawhentheyhigh-five.IalwaysknewJenniehadamouthlikeherbrother’s,butit’sbeenniceseeingherreallycomeintoherselfsincesheandGarretthavebeentogether.
“Okay.”Carapullsoutaclipboardandapen,thenslipsonapairofglasses,whichshepromptlyslidesdownhernosesoshecanstareatmeovertherimofthem.“Tellusaboutourleadinglady.”
IsmashanotherhandfulofchipsandfrownwhenOliviatakesthebowlaway.“HernameisRosie.”
“Rosie!”Carascrawlsitonthepaper,addsmynameandaplussign,thensurroundsitwithaheart.“Socute.Loveit.Telluseverything.”
“Well,ImetherlastweekendwhenIwashikingwithBear.Heknockedherover.Shewaswalkingadogfromthesheltershevolunteersat.Andshesharedhersandwichwithme.Andshewantstobeavet.AndIwentbacktotheshelterthismorningbecauseJaxonsaidIshouldgo,andIaccidentallyinsinuatedthatIlikedeatingherout,butIwastalkingabouthersandwiches,andthenitturnsoutshemadetwoextrasandwichesformejustincaseshesawmeagain.She’ssokindandthoughtful,andshe’sreallypatientandsweetwiththedogs.Andshe’sgotthesetiny,goldfrecklesonhernose,andsometimesshesnortswhenshelaughs,andshe’sgot,like,honey-coloredhair,buttheendsareallpink,andithangsabovehershoulders,andshemakesmesmilealot,andshe’sjustreally…”Itrailoffasthesilencearoundmesinksin.Fourpairsofeyeswatch,waiting,smiling.Iswallow.“Cute.”
Oliviasqueezesmyhand.“Shesoundssowonderfulalready,Adam.”
“Pinkhair,”Caramurmurs.
“Iwantpinkfuckinghair,”Jennieadds.
“Soundslikeyouguyshadaconnection,”Hankpipesup.“Sowhatdoyouneedhelpwith?”
“Thisjustfeels…different.Idon’twanttotreatthisdatelikeeveryotherdate.Wemightactuallyhaveachanceatsomethinghere.IwanttomakesureIdoitright.”
“SowhereareyoutakingheronWednesday?”Caraholdsupherclipboardandgrins.She’sdrawnapictureofRosiebasedoffmydescription.It’ssurprisinglyaccurate,exceptshehassticksforlimbs.“Nailedit.”
“I’mnotsureyet.Somewhereprivatewouldbenice,withoutthepressure.”
“Whataboutapicnicdinner?”Jenniesuggests.“Thatcouldbenice.”
“Andit’lljustbethetwoofyou,soyoudon’thavetoworryaboutphotographers,orpeopleaskingforsignatures,”Oliviaadds.“Thatcanbereallyoverwhelmingatfirst.Youhockeymenattractattentioneverywhereyougo.”
Inod,butasickfeelingcreepsintomystomach.“There’sjust,like,onesupersmallissue.”Iholdupmythumbandforefinger,peekingbetweenthetinygap.“Teenytiny,really.Rosie,um…shedoesn’twatchhockey.”
Jennieshrugs.“Notabigdeal.Wecanteachher.”
“Oh,yeah,that’s…”Ishakemycurlsout.Scratchmythroat.ClapafistintomyoppositehandasIjumptomyfeetandwalkthreestepstotheright,thenspin,shoveahandthroughmyhair,andpointatnothing.“Yeah,that’snotwhatImeant.Imean,she,uh…shedoesn’tknowwhoIam.”
Jennie’sbrowsjump.Olivia’sjawdrops.Hankrunsahandoverhismouthwhilelettingoutalongexhale.Caragrins,chucklesinabitofanevilway,andstartswritingonherclipboard.
“Hidden…identity…”Sheunderlinesitthreetimes.“Ilovethistrope.”
Oliviashakesherhead.“Okay,let’sbackup.Whenyousayshedoesn’tknowwhoyouare…?”
“Itoldhermyfullnameandshesimplygavemehersback.ShethinksI’maregularguy.”
“Well,youare
aregularguy,”Jennieargues.
Caranods.“AregularguywhobringsinoverfifteenmillayearbetweenhiscontractasoneofthebestgoaliesintheNHLandallhisbrandsponsorships.Justatotallyregular,blue-collarguy.”Herblueeyesstayonmine,thecornerofhermouthliftedinasmirkassheaddsonemorepainfullyslowlinebeneaththewordshiddenidentity
Iscrubmyhandsovermyfaceandgroan,floppingbackontothecouch.“Ifuckedup.Wehaven’tevenhadourdateyetandIfuckedup.”
“That’snottrue,”Oliviainsists.“Hasyourjobcomeuporganicallyinconversation?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Thenyouhaven’tdoneanythingwrong.YoucantellheronWednesday.”
Isitonherwordsforafewmoments,contemplatingeverythingthatcouldgowrongratherthaneverythingthatcouldgoright.MaybeIam
aworst-casescenarioexpert,justlikeRosie.
“I’mscared,”Ifinallyadmit.“Iknowit’searly,butsomethingfeelssodifferentwithher.ItfeelsnaturalandeasyandI’vegotfucking…”Ithrowmyarmoutandsigh,hatingthatI’mabouttosaythisword.“Butterflies.WhenI’mwithher,whenIthinkofher…Everythingfeelsnewandexcitingandhopeful.ButwhatifI’mwrongaboutthis?”
“You’vespenttwodayswithher,justbeingabletobeyourself,withouteverythingthatcomeswithbeingabigNHLhotshot.Sure,itdoesn’tseemlikemuch,butwithoutallthatpressure,neitherofyouhasanyreasontobesomeoneyou’renot.DoesRosieseemlikethetypetobedishonestaboutwhosheis?”
“No,”Ianswerwithouthesitation.“She’sgivenmenoreasontothinkshe’sbeingsomeoneshe’snot.It’sjust…”
“That’swhatyouknow,”Jenniesays,nodding.“Igetit,Adam.You’reusedtodatingpeoplewhogiveyouonesideatfirst,togetyourtimeandattention,andoncetheyhaveit,theyshowyoutherealthem.”Sheshakesherhead,asadlookinhereyes.“It’sdeceitful,andwhenallyou’relookingforisagenuineconnection,apersoninyourcorner,it’sjust…sad.”
MyheartachesforJennie,theshitshe’sbeenthrough.Shespenttoomanyyearsbeingwantedforthewrongreasonstoo.It’swheresheandIaresimilar,andIfeelalittlelessalone.
ButIwanttobewheresheisnow,ontheothersideofit.Didshefeelthislonelywhileshewaited?Didshefeellikeshedidn’tevenknowherself?BecauseIfeellikeI’mlosingpiecesofmyselfalongtheway,andIhateit.
“There’snorush,”Carachimesin,gazeholdingallthesoftnessthatlingersbeneaththesarcasmandbadassery.“Meetherwhereshe’sat,letherdothesamewithyou,andenjoyeverymomentofgettingtoknoweachotheralongtheway.”Shequirksabrowandtiltsherhead.“Andifsheturnsoutlikealltheothers,orworse—”shegags“—she-who-must-not-be-named
,thenwegettencartonsofeggsandaCostcopackoftoiletpaper,andwegotoherhouseinthemiddleofthenight,andwe—”
“No.”
“Butwe—”
“I’mtwenty-six!I’mnotTP-ingsomeone’shouse,Care!”
Carapouts,slumpinginherseat.“Baby.”Sheflipstothenextpageonherclipboard.“Okay,we’vesettledonapicnicdinner,andtellingheryou’rerichandfamous.Nowlet’sgoovertheimportantstuff.”
“Thatfeelsliketheimportantstuff.”
Sherollshereyes.“No,Adam,theimportantstuffiswhatyou’regoingtowear,whatyou’regoingtofeedher,alcoholornoalcohol,sexornosex,chocolatecakefordessertor—”
“Sex?”HeatrushestomyearsandIshakemyhead.“Nosex.It’safirstdate.I’mnotevengoingtokissher!”IlooktoJennieandOlivia.“Right?Nokiss?Yeah,youdon’tkissonafirstdate.”Isitbackinmyseat,relievedwhenHanknodsinagreement.“Yeah,that’dbemovingwaytoofast.Nokiss.”Isitforward.“Orwait.DoesitsendthewrongmessageifIdon’tkissher?WillshethinkIdon’tlikeher?AndifIdokissher,longorquick?Withorwithouttongue?DoIletmyhandswander,ordoI—”Ilookdownatmyclammyhands,wipingthemonmyshortsbeforethrowingthemintheair,givingalittlewave“—keepmyhandsintheairwhereshecanseethem,sosheknowstherewon’tbeanyfunnybusiness?”
Thebasementissilentforafulltenseconds.
Hankclearshisthroat.“I’veneverwishedIcouldseemoreinmylifethanIdorightnow.”
Thegirlsbreakoutinhowlinglaughter,andevenIcrackasmile,forcingmyselfbacktothecouch.
“I’mjustsonervous.I’mneverlikethisbeforeadate.”
“Well,maybethatmeanssomething,”Hanksays.“ForthisRosietotakesuchasolid,confidentguylikeyouandturnhimintoaramblingmess…maybemeetingherwasfate.AndIknowyou’velostsomeofthatconfidencewhenthingsendedwithyourlastgirlfriend,butmaybeRosiewillhelpyougetbackthere.Allthebestpeoplehelpusfindourselveswhenwe’refeelinglost.”
Icockmyhead.“Igetitnow.”
“Getwhat?”
“Whytheyinvitedyoutogirls’night.Idon’tevenneedthem,justyou.”
“Hey
!”Oliviagesturesupstairs.“Ibroughtthecutebabyyoulovesomuch!”
Caraholdsatabletup.“Olliealsobroughtthis.”
Ifrown.“Atablet?”
“Oh,yousweetfool,”shemurmurs,tappingaroundonthescreen.“BasementSpeakers
willconnectmetoyoursurroundsoundsystem,right?”
“Yes…”
“Great.”Shesetsthetabletdownasmyspeakersping,lettingmeknowadevicehasbeenconnected.Hersmileisextrascary,anduneaseslithersdownmyspine.
“Whatarewe—”
“ChapterTwelve.Isabella.Mybackhitsthewallinthedarkhallwaywithathud,andIgaspatthefeelofGrant’srock-harderectionpressingagainstmylowerstomach.He’shot,heavy,andbig—sodamnbigIwhimperhisnamewhenhehikesmylegup,windingitaroundhiswaist,thrustingagainstme.‘Ilikewhenyouwhimpermyname,butyou’regoingtobescreamingitbythetimeI’mthroughwithyou,’Grantgrowls.
”
“Whatthefuck?”Icryout,flingingmyarmswide.“Whatisthis?”
“It’sanaudiobook,”Carasayssimply,checkinghernails.“Youread,Adam.”
“Ireadself-helpbooks!SometimesIreadfantasy!IlovedHarryPotterwhenIwasakid—sueme!I-I-I…Idon’treadthis!”
“You’renotjudgingOllieandHank’stasteinbooks,areyou,Mr.Lockwood?”
Hankwaggleshisbrows.“Thiswasmypickforourbookclubreadlastweek.”
“Itwassogood,”Oliviaadds,breathless.Shefansherface.“Grantisso
swoon-worthy.”
“Canconfirm.”JenniepeelsbackthewrapperonapackofDunkaroos.“ItwasmineandMom’sinitiationintotheclublastweek,anditdidnot
disappoint.”Sheswipesatinycookiethroughsomefrosting,thenpopsitinhermouth.“Thinkofitasresearch,Adam.You’relosingitoverwhethertokissher,andthiswillhelpyoufigureitout.Thosefirstfewdatesareallaboutreadingeachother’scuesandbodylanguage.”
“Sometimesyousavethatfirstkissfordatetwoorthree,”Oliviaadds.
“Andsometimesyouletthearroganthockeycaptainwhoyousworeyou’dnevertouchtakeyouupstairsandplowyourightintothenextyearonhisCaliforniaking,”Caracounters,winkingatOlivia.
“HetoldmeOprahownedthesamemattress!HowwasIsupposedtosayno?”
“It’sprettyeasy,”Jenniesays.“No
.See?Easy.Tryitoutwithme,pip-squeak.No,Carter,Iwillnothavesexwithyou.
”
Oliviajabsafingeratme.“ThisissupposedtobeaboutAdamnotknowinghowtodate,notmebeingweakandhorny!”
“Hey!”Ipushherthreateningfingeraway.“IwashappyforyoutwowhenyoukissedonNewYear’s!”IthrowmyarmsintheairwhenIrealizethecoupleintheaudiobookisnaked.“Great,wheredidtheirclothesgo?”
“Theylostthemwhenyouallwerebickering,”Hankreplies.
IsabellaandGrantbecomenothingmorethansearingkisses,punishingtouches,torturedmoansthatbarreloutofmysoundsystem,ensuringthememorywillforeverbeburnedintomyears,andwhenshetakeshis“thick,throbbinglength”inherhand,Idropmyheadandgroan.
“Isthisnecessary?It’slikeI’mlisteningtopornwithmybestfriends’wives.Youguysarelikemysisters.Ifeel—”
Oliviapressesherhandtomymouth.“Shhh.It’sabouttogetgood.”
“Hepressestwofingersinsidemysoakingpussyandcirclesmyclitslowlyashismouthmovesovermyneck.
”
“JesusChrist.Ican’t.”Ijumptomyfeetandrakemyfingersdownmyface.“Ican’tdoit.Somebodyturnitoff.”IpointatCara,who’stypingawayonherphone.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“JusttextingEmmettaboutsomethingIwanthimtotrytonight.”
“Cara—”
“‘Isthishowyouliketobefucked?’heasks.‘Slowandgentle?’Hethrustshisthickfingersharder,faster,andmykneesbuckleasIclutchhisshoulders.‘Orhardandrough,likethis?’
”
“Ah
!”Abloodcurdlingshrieksoundsfrombehindme.Ilookovermyshoulder,findingmyfriendsatthebottomofmystairs.
CarterclapshishandsoverIreland’sears,fromwhereshe’sclingingtoGarrett.“Coveryourears,princess
!”
“Takeher,takeher!”Garrettshouts,shovingIrelandintoCarter’sarms.
Jaxon’shandsaregluedtohischeeks.“Whatthefuckareyoudoing
,Adam?”hescreams.
EmmettwinksatCara.“Gotyourtext,babe.”
Istompupthestairsasfastasmylegswilltakeme.“I’mfuckingoutofhere.”
***
Bysomemiracle,ImakeittoWednesday
ImakeitthroughunnecessarytoyrecommendationsfromJennie.
Imakeitthroughsnippetsofhelpfulscenes
fromaudiobookssentbyOlivia.
BythegloryofGodorwhoeverthefuckputmeonthisearth,IevenmakeitthroughashoppingtripwithCaraforadate-nightoutfit.
NowIjustneedtogetthroughthisdatewithmyfavoritefive-year-oldfirst.
“You’redoingitwrong,”thesmallvoicebesidemewhispers.
“Shit,”ImutterasthetinypinkelasticI’mtryingtolooparoundahooksnaps,ricochetingthroughtheair.MygazeshiftstoLily,andIcringe.“Imean,crap.Poop.Pooh?Ahhh.”Irubahandacrossmymouth.“Darnit.”
Lilysnickers,takingthetinyloomneedlefrommyhands.Shehooksanotherbrightelasticontheloomandstartseffortlesslyworkingitwiththeneedle.“See?It’slikethis.”
Ilookdownatmyhands.“Myhandsaretoobig.They’reogrehands.”
Sheshakesherhead,hidinghersmileasshekeepsworking.“Idon’tthinkso.Ogresarescary.”Bigbrowneyeslifttomine.“You’renotthatscary.”
Foursimplewordsshouldn’tmakemyheartbeatalittlefaster,buttheydo.I’vebeenvolunteeringatSecondChanceHomeforafewyearsnow,spendingtimewiththekidsthatwalkthroughthedoor,inneedofsomeextralove,thesamewayIwas,waybackwhenIwasLily’sage.
Lilyarrivedatthehomefourmonthsago.Sheusedtocrywhenshesawme,andasmuchasitbrokemyheart,Igaveherthespacesheneeded.Beingintheoff-seasonandoneofonlytwosinglefriendsinourgroupmeansI’vebeenspendingalotoftimehererecently.Maybeshegotusedtomebeingaround,becauseamonthago,LilysatdownattheendofthecouchIwassittingonandstaredatthecoverofthebookshe’dbroughtwithher.IaskedherifIcouldreadittoher,andshestaredatmeforawholeminutebeforeslowlyslidingcloser,pushingthebookbetweenus.WhereverYouAreMyLoveWillFindYou,byNancyTillman.Nowwereaditateveryvisit.
Progressisprogress,nomatterhowslow.
Ihopethat’showshefeelsaboutteachingmehowtomakeRainbowLoombracelets,becausethisshithasbeenatwo-weekaffair,andit’snotgoingwell.Iunderstandtheprocess,Ijustcan’tgetmygiantfingerstoworkonsomethingsotiny.
Lilyhandsmebacktheneedleandtucksherchestnuthairbehindherear.“Here.Nowyoutryagain,butgoslow.”
“Slow.Gotit.”
Weworkonourbraceletssidebysidewithoutaword.Idon’tmindthesilencewithher.Everyquietinchshe’sgivenmehasalwaysbeenmorethanenough.
Ilookupasadooropensandalittleboycomestearingoutofit,headingfortheblocksonthefloor.Emily,agoodfriendofGarrettandJennie’sandtheiroldneighbor,stepsoutoftheroombehindhim.Sheshiftsapairofdark-framedglassesuphernoseandsmileswhensheseesme.
“IstodaythedayMr.LockwoodfinallyfinisheshisfirstRainbowLoom?”ShecrouchesdownandnudgesLily.“Abouttime,amIright?”
Lilygiggles.“He’sstilllearning,buthe’sdoinggreat.”ShesetshertoolsdownandwrapsherarmsaroundEmily’swaist,squeezing.“Hi,MissEmily.Arewegonnatalktoday?”
“Weabsolutelyare,honey.Ihavetimeforyourightnow,butifyou’rebusywithAdam—”
“No!”Shegrabsaclaspandstartshookingitintotheelastic.“I’mdone!”
“Aw,man,”Iwhine.“Mine’stooshortstill.”
Lilyleansover,examiningthelengthofmybracelet.Shelooksdownathersandchewsherlip.Thenshehandsmeaclasp.“Doyourememberhowtofinishit?”
“Ithinkso.”IattachthetinyclaspthesamewayI’veseenLilydoitahundredtimes,thenpullmytinybraceletofftheloomandfrown.“It’swaytoosmall.”
Lilytakesthebraceletfrommeandslipsitonherwrist,thengentlytakesmyhandinhersandslipsherbraceletonmywrist.“I’malittlefaster,somineislonger.Wecanswap.Nowyoucanthinkofmewhenyouwearmybracelet,andI’llthinkofyoutoo.”
Somethingthickcatchesinthebackofmythroat,andIstruggletoswallowitdown.“Thanks,Lil.”
“I’llgowaitinyourroom,”shetellsEmily,thencastsmeashyglance.“Bye,Adam.”
SherunsacrosstheroomanddisappearsbeforeIcansaygood-bye,andIclimbtomyfeet,packinguptheloom.
“You’regrowingonher,huh?”Emilyobserves.
“She’sthesweetestkidever.”
Emilysmiles,butit’ssadandalittlefaroff.Asachildpsychologistwhoworkswiththekidshere,sheknowsalotmoreaboutthemandtheirlivesthanIdo.Idon’twanttobeblindtothereasonsomeofthemarehere,butI’mnotsureIcouldstomachallofthemeither.
“She’saverystronglittlelady.”Sheshakesthethoughtawayandsmiles.“Heardyouhaveadatetonight.Jenniesaysyoureallylikethisgirl.”
“Ido.Ithink.Imean,sofar.Yeah.Ido.”
Hereyesgleamastheyroamoverme,asIshovemyfingersthroughmyhairandtugatmyclothes.“MyGod,Jenniewasright.Youareahotmessrightnow,aren’tyou?”
Isigh.“I’mnotproudofit.”
“Holyfucknuts.”Shegripsmyhandasthefrontdooropensandmycoachstrollsin.“Who’sthat?”
“Davis.”
“Daviswho?I’veneverseenhimbefore.”
“He’smycoach.Hevisitswiththekidshereandthere.”
“Mmm…”Shetracesherlowerlipwithherfingernail,eyesblazing.“Single?”
“Recentlydivorced.”
“Fuckyeah.Rightupmyalley.”
“Hisdaughteriscuteashelltoo.”
“Daughter?”Herarmsfallwithherdeflatingsigh.“Ugh,gross.Kids.”
Iarchabrow,gesturingatallthekids,theonessheworkswithforfree
inhersparetime.
“Igettogivetheseonesback,Adam.I’mnotinterestedinkeepingonefulltime.”
ThedoortoherofficeopensandLilypokesherheadout,eyeswide.“Emily?Areyoustillhere?”
“Coming,honey!”Shebumpsmyhipwithhers.“Havefunonyourdate,Casanova.Don’tforgettobringflowersanddessert.Chickslovethatshit.”Shewinksatmeasshebacksaway,holdingahandupbetweenthesideofherfaceandtherestoftheroom.“Theyalsolovebeing
dessert.”
AsifI’mtakinganyadvicefromEmily
***
Okay,I’mtakingalittle
advicefromher.
Aboutthedessert.Bringingone,notmakingRosiemine.Oneday,maybe,but—noNo,Adam.Focus.
Ituckthefreshlybakedcookiesandchocolate-coveredstrawberriesintomypicnicbasketandsetitbythefrontdoor,nexttothebrightbouquetofpink,orange,andyellowpeoniesIpickedupearlier.Islipmyshoeson,clipBear’sleashon,andopenthefrontdoor.
ThenIslamitagain.
Bearlooksupatme,headcockedasiftosay,“Whatthefuck,dude?”
Iruntothebathroom,flickonthelight,andstareatmyreflection.
Mycurlshavebeentamed,myfacefreshlyshaved,myteethbrushedthreestimejustincase,andmyoutfitisonpoint,thankstoCara.Ismoothmyshirtdown,patmyhair,andlooktoBear.
“Whaddayathink,buddy?Handsome?”
Hishappytailthudsagainstthewall.
“Right?Sohandsome.Everything’sgonnagogreat.I’mgonnatellRosiewhatIdoforaliving,she’sgonnabetotallynonchalantaboutthewholething,we’regonnahaveagreatnight,andmaybeI’llevenholdherhand,andit’llbeperfect.Perfectnight.Yeah.”
Still,Iraisemyphone,flashashakygrin,andtakeapicture.ThenIsendittothegirls.
Me
DoIlookokay?
Jennie
Handsomeasever,mydude.Gogetit.*eggplantemoji**waterdropletsemoji*
Olivia
*hearteyes**happytearsemoji*Youlookperfect,Adam.
Cara
Ifmyhusbandwon’tputababyinme,willyou???
Ipickupthebasketandflowers,thentakeadeepbreath.
“Wishmeluck,Bear.Gonnagowinovertheprettygirl.”CHAPTER7
SPILLINGSECRETSANDWINE
ROSIE
“Shewent
withthetintedbalm.Nicechoice.”
“Ididn’tgiveherachoice.”
“Andthesundress?Wasthatyoutoo?”
Archiehums,watchingmeinthemirror.“ThatonewasRosie,actually.”
MarcoslingshisarmsaroundArchie’sneckfrombehind,chinonhisshoulder.Hekissesthetipsofhisfingers.“Chef’skiss,Ro.Easyaccesstoo.”
HeatseepsintomycheeksasIcheckoutmyreflection.Myhairisn’tbehavingtoday,andtheflowerbarrettesI’veusedtopinmyhairbackaren’tdoingmuchtohideit.Irunmyhandsdownmydress.“DoIlookokay?ShouldIchange?Inickedmykneeshaving.Myhair’snotright.Whatif—”
Archieshrugsoffhisboyfriendandpullsmeintoahug.“Youlookbeautiful,Ro.”
“Veryfuckable,”Marcoadds.
“Whatifhedoesn’tlikeme?”IwhisperagainstArchie’schest.
Hisexpressiontwistswithdisgust.“What’snottolike?”
Ishrug,fiddlingwithmyfingers.“Peopleseemtofindenoughreasons.”
“We’renevergoodenoughforthewrongpeople.Butyou’rejustrightforus,andweloveeverythingaboutyou.Don’tbenervous.Justbeyourself.”Hecradlesmyface,smiling.“Nowwhatdowesay?”
Itakeadeepbreathbeforerecitingthewordsthesetwoworksohardatingraining.“Iamkind.Iamstrong.Iambeautiful.Thepeoplewhoaremeanttobeinmylifewillfindme.”
“Damnright.”Marcoushersmedownthehall,swattingmybutt.“Nowgetouttahere!”WhenIstartsteppingintomysneakers,hescreeches.“No
!NottheNikes,Rosie,please
,fortheloveofGod.You’reruiningaperfectlygoodoutfit!”
Ilookdownatmyshoes,thewhiteflowersdecoratingthelightblueswoosh.They’recute,andtheymatchmydress.“Idon’thaveacar,”Iremindhim.“Thesearepracticalforwalking.”
Hisstarebegsmetoreconsider,soIkeepgoingbeforehecanargue.
“Youcanforcethetintedlipbalmonme,butit’ssneakersorbarefeet.”IpointatArchie.Besidestheyearswe’vespentasclassmatesandcoworkers,we’vealsobeenroommatesforthreeyears.Ourroutineissecondnature,butIhaveabitofacontrollingstreakamilewideaboutcertainthings.“Connorisgettingdroppedoffat—”
“Five.”
“Andbath—”
“Isatsix-fifteen.”
“And—”
“Yes
,Rosie,Iknow.I’mnotnew.”Hestuffsmywide-brimhatonmyhead.“Getouttahere,orI’llholdyoudownsoMarcocanchangeyourshoes.”Hethrowsapointedlookatthehallwaycloset,whereapairoffour-inchheelswaittoruinmyfeet.
Anyhintofhumordissipates,andIdashoutthedoorbeforetheycanmakegoodontheirthreats.
It’sabeautiful,sunnyevening,andI’mrunningearly,soIgetoffthebustwostopsearlysoIcanentertainthethoughtsthatareabouttosendmespiralingabouthowhorriblythisdateisboundtogo,justliketherestofthem.Iwafflebetweenbeingcontentinknowingwedon’tneedsomeoneinourliveswhodoesn’twanttobehere,andworryingthatAdamwon’twantme,notallofme.It’sadisappointmentthatalreadyfeelssoheavy,oneIdon’twanttocarrywithme.
IhatethatI’mgettingaheadofmyself,livinginthefutureinsteadofsoakinginthenow.Soasthesecludedparkcomesintoview,Ismoothmyhandsdownmydressonelasttimeandcommittogivingthisafightingchance.
Adam’slastmessagetoldmetocallwhenIarrivedsohecouldcomemeetme,butit’simpossibletomissthehugespreadlaidoutbeneathanovergrownoaktree.Myheartpattersaquick,steadybeatthatracesdowntothetipsofmyfingers,curlinganxiouslyintomypalms.Aplaidblanketlaysbeneaththeshadeofthebranches,abasketinonecorner,anarrayofmeats,cheeses,crackers,bread,andfruitsspreadoverawoodenboardinthecenter.Astackofpillowsinthecornercompletestheaesthetic,becauseAdamLockwoodistotallyfreakingPinterest-worthy.
“Didn’tItellyoutocallmewhenyougothere?”
Myheartleapstomythroat,andwhenIspinaround,itskidstoastopaltogether.Adamisthepictureofeffortlessperfection,someoneblessedbeyondbeliefwithimpeccablelooks,finishedwithstyleinhiscrispwhiteshort-sleevebutton-up,untuckedfromhisfittedgrayshorts,darkcurlsswepttotheside,vibrantblueeyesasplayfulashisimmaculate,crookedgrin.Butthesexiestthinghewearsistheconfidenceofamanwho’scertainhe’sgoingtonailthisdate.
“Funnythingis,”hemurmurs,steppingtowardme,browsquirkingwhenItakeonestepback.“Iknewyouwouldn’tlisten.”Anothersteptowardme,andanotherstepback,hissmilegrowing,likeheenjoysthisgameofcatandmousewe’replaying.“You’remyfavoritebrandoftrouble.Wanttoknowwhy?”
“Why?”
Hishandcomesoutofhispocket,catchingafistfulofmydress,stoppingmynextbackwardstep,closingthedistancebetweenus.Hisvoicedropstoawhisper,allgravelandhusk,onethatsendsahotshiverripplingdownmyspinewhenhislipspauseattheshellofmyear.“BecauseI’veneverwantedtobesodeepinitasIdonowthatI’vemetyou.”
Hepressesasoftkisstomyblazingcheekbonebeforetakingmyhand,pullingmetowardourpicnic.“C’mon,prettygirl.Youlooklikeyouneedaglassofwine.”
Aglass?I’mgonnaneedawholebottleofliquidcouragetokeepupwiththat
.Whathappenedtothemanwhowassonervoustoaskmetodinner,hedidn’ttalktomeforawholetenminutes,justkeptopeninghismouthandthensnappingitshut?
“Ihadagirls’night,”Adamtellsmeasheguidesmedowntoaheapofpillows.
“Pardon?”
“You’rewonderingwheretheconfidencecamefrom.Ihadagirls’night.IwassodamnnervousaboutgettingthisdaterightIenlistedmybestfriends’wivestogivemeadvice.”Heholdsupabottleofsparklingwater,redwine,andgrapejuice,pouringmeaglassoftheredwhenIpointtoit.“Horribleidea,bytheway.Myconfidencecomesattheexpenseofmydignity,whichhasbeenlosttoforcedlisteningofsexyaudiobooks.”
IclapahandovermymouthasIsputteronmywine.“Pardon
?”
“What,you’veneverbeencaughtbyyourbestfriendslisteningtoasmuttyaudiobookwiththreewomenandaneighty-six-year-oldman?”Thesundanceswiththeamusementinhiseyesashewatchesmelaugh.“TheythoughtImightneedsomedatinghelp.”
“Ifindithardtobelieveyou’rethatoutoftouchwiththedatingworld.”
“I’mnot,Iguess.I’vebeenonplentyofdates.Butthisisthefirstonethat’sfeltlikeit’smeantsomething.”Heliftsashoulder,gesturingatthespreadbeforeus.“That’sprobablywhyIwasalsoonafour-wayvideocallfifteenminutesagowiththesamegirls,freakingoutaboutwhetherthepillowsweretooforward,ifIshouldsitontheoppositesideoftheblanket,andhowlongintothedateIhavetowaitbeforeItakeyourhandanddon’tletitgofortherestofthenight.”
Heshiftsmyhatbackandbrushesmybangsaside,fingertipsskimmingmycheekbone.“Icantellyou’renervous,Rosie,andIwantyoutoknowthat,evenifIseemconfidentrightnow,I’vebeenamessallweekoverthis.I’mnotashamedtoadmitit.”Whenhelooksatmenext,beneathlashessodarkandwithagazesoheady,butterflieseruptinmystomach.“ThenIsawyoustandingthereinthathatandthissundress,andallthescarystuffmeltedaway.TheonlythingI’mfeelingrightnowishappy,andifyou’restillnervous,I’vegotenoughhappyforthebothofus.”
“Thepillowsarecomfy,Ilikehavingyounexttomebecauseyoumakemefeelwarmandspecial,andifyoutakemyhandrightnow,Imightnoteveraskforitback.”Thewordsspillout,butifIcan’tgivehimallmytruthstonight,Iatleastwanthimtohavethese.Thepanicsqueezingmythroateasesathiskindsmile.“Wow,Ionlyhadtodrinkhalfaglassofwinetosaythat.”
“Ibroughttwobottlesincaseyoufeellikelayingitalloutonthelinetonight.Youcantellmeallyoursecrets.”
“That’saseconddatekindathing,Mr.Lockwood,anditalsorequiresicecream.”
“Gotit.Twobottlesofwine,anicecreamcone,anddatenumbertwo.”Hegrinsthen,wideandfullofmischiefashisgazedropstomylegs.Hishandlandsonmyknee,slidingalongmybareskin,wherehenabsthehemofmydressfromwhereit’sriddenupmythigh.Gently,heshiftsitbackintoplace,eyesrisingtomeetmine,afireblazingsohot,itsingesmyskin.“Ican’twaittounravelyou.”
Myeyeswidenattheinnuendo,andItossbacktherestofmywine.Itdoesnothingtosoothetheburninmycheeks,orthesuddenbeatthrummingbetweenmylegs,soIreachforthewineandrefillmyglass.Adamchuckles,handingmeasmallbottleofsparklingwatertoo.
Hereachesinsidethepicnicbasketandproducesabouquetofflowers,holdingthemouttome,smiling.“Foryou.”
Myhandshootsout,fingerscurlingbackintomypalmforamomentbeforeIhesitantlybrushoverthepetals,huesofmutedpinksanddustylilacblues.MyvisionwobblesandItrapmytremblinglowerlipbetweenmyteeth,anexpectedreactionasmymom’slaughterringsinmyears,memoriesofdirtyhandsandknees,peonybushesandfallingleavesflashingthroughmymind.
“Rosie?”Hisvoicedips,aslighttrembleinhishandashestartspullingthebouquetback.“I’msorry.Imeanttogowithroses,becauseofyourname.ButthenIsawthese,andtheyweresopretty,theyremindedmeofyou.Ifyoudon’tlikethem—”
“They’reperfect,”Imurmur,wrappingmyhandaroundhis,bringingtheflowerstomynose.“Ilovethem,Adam.”
Sapphireeyeswatchme,andAdamtrapsasingletearrollingdownmycheek.“Thenwhyareyoucrying?”
Becauseitdoesn’tfeellikethere’sanotheroption.
“Memories.”
Hisgazeflickers.“Goodorbad?”
Ismile.“Thebest.SometimesIjustforgetthatIdon’tgettomakenewones.Therealizationisalittleoverwhelmingforamoment.”Isetthebouquetdown,andbeforeIcansecond-guessit,Iwrapmyarmsaroundhim,sinkingintohiswarmth.“Thankyou,Adam.”
Hepullsmyhatoffandsqueezesmeagainsthissolidchest.Hislipstouchthecrownofmyhead.“You’resowelcome,Rosie.”
Welingerlikethat,entwinedtogether,likeneitherofusisreadytoletgo,butwhenmystomachgrowls,Adamchuckles,pullingbackandbrushingmybangsaside.
“Hungry?”
Anothergrumble,pairedwithasheepishsmile.“Always.”
Asweeat,heasksmequestionafterquestion,untilhe’ssatisfiedheknowseverythingaboutme,likethatIgrewupinOntarioandmovedtoVancouverafterIgraduatedfromhighschool.ThatI’mtwenty-four,butaNovemberbaby,sobythetimeIgraduateinthespringI’llbetwenty-five.ThatIcompletedmyundergradinanimalsciences,andI’monafull-ridescholarshipintheDoctorofVeterinaryMedicineprogramatPacificVeterinarianCollege.
“Fullride?”Hisbrowsjump.“Noshit.You’reasmartiepants.”
Ishrug.“Ihadnothingbettertodothanstudyandreadgrowingup.Ididn’thavealotoffriends,soIthinkitkindofcamewiththeterritory.”
“Don’tsellyourselfshort.You’reinyourlastyearofvetschool,onafull-ridescholarship,andyou’renoteventwenty-five.You’reabouttobeadoctor,Rosie.Thosearesomeincredibleaccomplishments.Youshouldbeproud.”
Myheartsoars.Iamproudofmyself.I’veworkedharderthanIthoughtpossible,andhavingsomeoneelseacknowledgemyaccomplishmentsfeelsnice.
Adamrefillsmywine.“Whatdoyoudoattheshelter?”
“Well,vetschoolisreallydemanding,soImostlyonlyworkthereduringthesummer,andwhatIcanmanageduringtheschoolyear.Hopefullythey’llhiremeasavetwhenIgraduate,butrightnow,Imostlydoanimalsocialization.Alotoftheanimalsthatcomeinarescared.Theirwholelifehasbeenturnedupsidedown.Weworkwiththemtostarttrustinghumansagainbeforethey’rereadytobeadopted.”
“Itmustberewardingtoseethemcomeoutoftheirshells.”
“Itreallyissoamazing,Adam.EspeciallywithanimalslikePiglet,whohavebeenthroughsomuch.Shehassomuchlovetogive,andsomeonestolethatlightfromher.Ilovebeingpartofthereasonshefindsitagain.”
Adamsmilesatme.“Youreallyloveher.”
“Somuch.”
“Haveyoueverthoughtaboutadoptingher?”
“Onlyeveryday.”
“What’sstoppingyou?”
Ibringmyfeettowardme,crossingmylegs,tracingtheswoopofmyNikes.“Idon’thavethespaceshedeserves.”Northemoneytokeepupwithhercare.“IfIdid,I’dbringherhomeinaheartbeat.ButshedeservesmorethanwhatIcanofferher.”
“Igetthat.Butforwhatit’sworth,Rosie,it’snotusuallythespacethatmakesahome.It’sthelove.AndIbetyougivethebestkind.”
Thecornerofmymouthquirks.“You’rereallyrefreshing,youknow?”
“Howso?”
“Youlooklikesomeonealwaysincontrol,orsomeonewholikestobe,maybe.Maybeit’syoursize,orhowcomfortableyouseeminyourownskin.You’renotafraidtobekindandsweetandgentle,likecarryingPigletdownthestairsbecauseshe’safraid,oradmittingyouaskyourgirlfriendsforadvice.Butthewayyoutalksometimes,thewayyou…touch…asmuchasyouliketobeincontrol,Ifeellikethere’sapartofyoudyingtoloseallthatcontrol,tobeunrestrained.It’sjustrefreshingtoseesomeonesowillingtobeopenaboutexactlywhotheyareandwhattheyneed.”
Iclearthedrynessinmythroat,thendrownitwithwineassilenceswirlsaroundus,hopingIhaven’tcrossedaline.
“Andwhataboutyou?”Adamfinallyasks.“Doyouliketobeincontrol?”
“Ihavetobeincontrol.Atschool,atwork,Idon’thavetheluxuryoflettingmyemotionsgetthebestofme.It’soneofthehardestthingsI’veeverdone,holdingitin,andIfailsometimes.SometimesIfailoften,butI’mtrying.Andathome,I—”IstopmyselfbeforeIsaytoomuch,somethingI’mnotreadytoshare.“Idependonroutine.Ishouldbemoreflexible,butitstressesmeouttoeventhinkaboutchangingsomethinginmydaytodaysometimes.So,yes,I’mincontrol.ButdoIliketobe?”InibblemylipasIlooktoAdam,thewayhe’swatchingmewithraptattention,drinkingineveryword.“SometimesIcravesomeoneelsetotakecontrol,justsoIdon’thaveto.JustsoIcanletgo,evenforamoment.Beingincontrolallthetime,it’s…exhausting.”
Adamleansbackonhishands,staringatthebrightblueskyslowlyfadingtoaprettyshadeoflilacasthesundips.Whenhiseyesfindmine,somethinginmychestwantstobreakwideopen,lethimseeinside,thefears,theinsecurities,thelittlejoysandtriumphs,allthenuancesthatshapeme.Somehow,itfeelslikethat’swhathewantstoo.
“Whatifthisisyoursafespacetodothat?Whatifwhenyou’rewithme,youcangiveitup,letitgo,andjust…be?”
“It’saniceidea.”Farfetched,butnice.Theanxiety,theobsessive-compulsivetendenciesthatsurroundmyroutinesandshapemylife,they’reavoiceinmyheadthat’slessagreeable,lesshopeful.TheytellmeIcan’tletgo,becausewhathappenswhenIdo?Chaos,disorder.ThingsI’llneedtofix.
“Itdoesn’thavetobejustanidea.”Helayshishandontopofmine,agentletouchthatsoothestheworries.“Yousayyou’reaworst-casescenarioexpert,andtheideaofgivingupanyamountofcontroleverisprobablyhorrifying,butmaybewithtimeandalittletrust,welearntogiveandtakecontrolwhenweneedto.Foreachother,andforourselves.”
Iturnmypalmover,watchingashetracesthelinesinit.“Doesitmakesensethattheideaisasdauntingasitiscalming?”
“Itmakesperfectsense,Rosie.Nothingworthhavingevercomeseasy,doesit?Wewantthecalm,butsometimeswehavetobravethestormtogetthere.”
Hiswordssettlearoundmelikeacozyblanket,andashiverrunsthroughmewhenhisfingersleavemypalm,travelinguptheinsideofmyforearm,makingmewiggle.“Sowise.Whatareyou,atherapist?”
Hechucklessoftly.“Nope.”
“AmIclose?”
“Notevenalittlebit,trouble.”
“Hmm…”Ijerkmyarmawaywhenheticklesmeagain,hidingmyfacewhenmygigglestartsspiralingintopig-snortterritory.Takinghishandinmine,Iturnitover,tradingplaceswithhimasIrunthetipsofmyfingersoverhispalm.
“Areyoua…dogtrainer?”
Hiseyesglitterasheshakeshishead.“Nuh-uh.”
“Teacher?”
“Nope.”
“Realtor?”
“Cold.”
“Policeofficer?”
“Colder.”
“Heavyequipmentoperator?Accountant?DoyouworkinHVAC?OhmyGod.”Ispintowardhim,nearlycrawlingintohislap.“Areyouaprivatedetective?”
Helaughs,snakinghisarmaroundmywaist,pullingmebetweenhislegs,backagainsthischest.ThethunderofhisheartgiveswaytohisnervesasIwaitforhisanswer.
“I’ma,uh…”Heclearshisthroat.“Iworkwithathletes.”
“Athletes?Like,sportsteams?”
Heswallows.“Professionalones.”
“Oh.”Mynosewrinkles.“Uh-oh.”
Hestiffens.“What?”
“Idon’tknowanythingaboutsports.Ihavenotalkingpoints.I’msorry.Icanbarelytellabaseballglovefromahockeymitten.”
Hesnortsabeautiful,gloriouslaugh.“Glove.”
IleantothesidesoIcanlookathimovermyshoulder.“Huh?”
“Hockeyglove,notmitten.Unlessyou’retalkingaboutwhatthegoaliewears,thenthat’sacatcherandablocker.Andactually,mittisperfectlyacceptableforbaseballgloves,especiallythecatcher’smitt.”Hechuckles,pokingthedimpleinmychin.“Butnothockeygloves.”
“That’sjustconfusing.Theyallgoonyourhands.Whysomanydifferentnames?”
“Truthfully,Idon’tknow.”
“Whatdoyoudowiththeathletesatwork?”
Blueeyesmeetmine,andtheworrythere,thegrief,itstealsmybreath,digsaholeinmychestandcarvesahomethataches.I’mnotsurewhathe’slookingforashisgazeroamsmyface,butifit’lltakeawaythisheaviness,Ihopehefindsit.
Instead,hedropshisgaze.Whenhelooksbackatme,it’swithareservationthatdullsthesparkleinhiseyes,seemsunnaturalonsuchakind,openman.
“Alittlebitofeverything,”hefinallytellsme,trailinghisfingeracrossthenickonmykneefromshaving.“Training,nutrition,traveling.”Hismouthquirks,andhewinks.“Alltheboringstuff.”
“Doyouenjoyit?”
“Verymuch.Wouldn’ttradeitforanyotherjob.”
“That’swhatmatters,isn’tit?Toomanypeoplespendtheirdaysbeingmiserableatwork.Lifeisfartooshorttonotlovewhatyoudo.”
Adamsmilesatme.“You’reright.What’slifeifitisn’tfullofwhatyoulove?”
“DoesitbotheryouI’mnotintosports?”
“Notatall.It’srefreshing.Givesmesomethingelsetotalkabout.”
Icoverhishandonmythigh.“Willyoutellmemoreaboutyou?Iwanttoknoweverything.”
Hisgentlesmileslowstheraceofmyheart,andIrelaxintohisbodyashetellsmeabouthislifeinVancouver,howhespendshissummerswithhisdogandhisfriends,howhe’slovingbeingUncleAdamtohisbestfriend’sfive-month-olddaughter,andthatalthoughhemovedhereforworkandneverwantstoleave,hegrewupinColorado.Ieateverythingup,thoughsomehowfeelingunsatiated,likeI’mmissingbigpiecesofhim.
Wetalkforever,evenasheproudlydisplaysthechocolate-coveredstrawberriesandchocolatechipcookieshemadefordessert,ashecatchesthestrawberryjuicetricklingdownmychin,bringinghisthumbtohismouthandtastingit.
Thequietonlystartstosettleinwhentheskydims,andIbecomepainfullyawareofeverywherewe’reconnected.Hischestpressedtomyback,risingsteadily.Thebrushofhisfingersonmythighs,skimmingtheclimbedhemofmydress.Hischinonmyshoulderandhislipsatmyear,allofitastarkcontrasttothecoolbreezethatstartstonipatmybarearms.
Adamrunshishandovermyarms,asizzlingheatthat,somehow,onlyelicitsmoregoosebumps.“Here,”hewhispers,reachingbehindthepillows,producingasweater.
Islipthesoftfleeceovermyhead,buryingmyselfinhiswarmth.AdizzyingfeelingrushestomyheadasthesmellofAdamsurroundsme—anearthy,spicyscent,somethingcleanandcrisplikecitrus,andtheforevercomfortingscentoffreshlaundry.
Andthensomethingmagnificenthappens.Whenthesunfinallydipsbehindtheskyline,thetreeaboveuscomestolife.Tinylightsscatteredamongtheleavestwinklelikefireflies,makingthenightglow.Myheartclimbsupmythroatandmakesahomethere,stealingeverywordIwanttospeak.WhenmygazefindsAdam’s,softandelectricatthesametime,Idon’tknowifeverythinginsidemestopsworking,orifsomethinginsidemerestarts.Itjustfeelsdifferent
,andI’mthrownbythesuddenimbalance,theneedtoreachoutandgraspthisman,likehe’smycenterofgravity
“Doyoulikethem?They’resolarpowered.Iwasworriedtheywouldn’tgetenoughsunlighthiddeninthetrees,soIlaidthemoutinmybackyardallday.”Herunsananxioushandoverthenapeofhisneck.“Ithoughtwe’dbeabletostaylongerifwehadsomelight.ThenIcouldkeepyoulonger.”
“Youcankeepmeforever,”accidentallyslipspastmylips,andIclapahandovermyfilthy,traitorousmouth.
Adamgrins.“Careful.Imighttakeyouuponthat.”Hetwinesourfingerstogether,awarmthIdon’twanttolose.“Soundslikemytypeofforever.”
Heclimbstohisfeet,pullingmewithhim,andhissmilelightsmywholeworldonfire.
“Dancewithme,Rosie.”
“D-dance?But…there’snomusic.”
“Don’tneedit.”Hewinks,tuggingonmyhand.“Nowcomehere.”
Ido,stumblingovermyfooting,andAdamcatchesmeagainsthissolidchest,hisdeeplaughrollingdownmyneckbeforehewhispersthatnicknamethatthrillsmeandpullsatsomanylostmemoriestoo.
“Trouble.”
“Maybeit’syouwho’strouble.”
Broadhandscoastovermyhips,fingertipsdigginginasweswayslowlytogether,theleavesrustlinginthesummerbreezeandthegentlebuzzofcicadassingingasofttuneintimewiththehuskybreaththatkissesmyneckwhenAdamdipshismouththere.
Hispalmskatesupmyspine,curvingoverthenapeofmyneck,wherehesqueezeseversogently.“TheonlytroubleIwanttogetinto,Rosie…it’swithyou.”
Softlipsbrushmytemplebeforehesettleshischinonmyheadaswedancebeneaththetwinklinglightsandthestarsaboveus.
It’snearlyelevenwhenwestartpackingeverythingaway,andmyheadfeelsfullofairandbutterflies.It’sahappy,carefreeplacetobe,andbecauseitalmostneveris,Iholdontoitwithallmymight.It’safeelingIcouldgetlostin,intoxicatingandaddictive,andIrealizehoweasilyAdamdidexactlywhathesaidhewould:hetookcontrol,andinturn,Iletgo.
Iletgooftheexpectations,therules,thewhat-ifs.Iletgoofthequestionsthatleadtooverthinking,andIjust…existed.
IwatchasAdamneatlytuckseverythingawayinhispicnicbasketandbagbeforehookingthemoffhisshoulder,thecrookofhiselbow,mysunhatnabbedbetweenthetipsofhisfingers.
Islipmyhandintohis.“Thankyou.”
Helooksatourhands,throatbobbing.“Forwhat?”
“Forshowingmeit’sokaytoletgosometimes.”
Hesqueezesmyfingers,liftsmyhandtohislips,andbrushesakissacrossmyknucklesbeforetowingmethroughtheparktoamidnightblueparkwherehethrowseverythinginside.
“Didyouhavefun?”heasks,asparkofuncertaintyinhisgaze,ahopefulrasptohistone.
SoIwrapmyarmsaroundhismiddleandholdhimtight.“Ihadthebesttime,Adam.Thankyousomuchforabeautifulnight.”
“Okay.Cool.Thankyousomuchforbeingbeautiful.No.No.Fuck.Shit.”Heripsmeoffhim,holdingmeatarm’slength.“That’snotwhatImeant.Imean,Ithinkyou’rebeautiful,obviously.Obviously
Ithinkyou’rebeautiful.”Heshoveshisfingersthroughhiscurlsandsighs.“Thisistheworst.I’mtheworst.NowI’mnervousagain.”
Isnicker-snort,thenclapmyhandovertheobnoxioussound.Justlikethat,Adam’snervesvanish,anarrogantsmirktippingthesideofhismouth.
“Whydoyoukeepdoingthat?”
Itwinemyhairaroundmyfinger.“Doingwhat?”
“Coveringyourlaugh.”
“It’snotalaugh.It’ssomesortofstrangled,dyinganimalsound,andit’sembarrassing.”
“Okay,wellthat’llbeweird.”
“Whatwillbeweird?”
“Whensomeoneasksmewhatmyfavoritesoundis,andIhavetodescribeitlikethat.”
Iblinkupathim.“You’rederanged.”
Chuckling,hetakesmyhandandheadsdownthesidewalk.“C’mon.Where’dyoupark?”
“Oh,Ididn’t.”
Hisgazeswingsmyway.“Youdidn’t?”
“Idon’thaveacar.”
“Oh.Didsomeonedropyouoff?”
“No.”
“Is…someonepickingyouup?”
Anothersnicker-snort,butI’mlessembarrassedaboutthisone.“No,Adam.”
“Thenhowdidyou…howareyougonna…”Hescratcheshishead.“Gethomesafely?”
“ThesamewayIcame.I’mgoingtotakeabus.”
Adamhumstohimself,thenpullsmearound,headingbackthewaywecame.
“Thebusstopistheotherway.”
“Andmytruckisthisway.”
“Adam—”
“It’slate.You’renotwalkingandtakingthebusbyyourself.”
“ButI—”
“Nonnegotiable.”Heopensthepassengerdoor.“Unlessyouwantmetofollowbehindyoutheentirewayinmytruck.SoIguessit’salittlenegotiable.”Hegrinsatmycrossedarmsandhikedbrow.“You’resupposedtobeworkingonlettinggo,andI’msupposedtobeworkingonbeingmoreincontrol,remember?”
Ijabmyfingerintohischest.“Don’tturnmyownwordsaroundonme.”
HelaughsasIstartclimbingintotheseat,andasmyfrustrationgrowswiththedifficulttask,amusementrollsoffhiminwaves.
“Somethingyouwannasay?”IgruntasIhikealegupinaparticularlycharmingfashioninmysundress.
“Iwasabouttoaskyouthesamething.‘Canyouhelpme,Adam?Iseemtobeslightlytooshorttodothismyself,’mightbeagoodplacetostart.”
Myheadswivelsinslowmotiontoglareathimovermyshoulder.
Hewaits,elbowleaningonthewindowframe,cheekrestinginhishand,andheevenpumpshisdamnbrows.“Yes,Rosie?”
“You’reinsufferable.”Igrabthecenterconsole,butbeforeIcanpullmyselfup,Adamgripsmywaistandliftsmeeffortlesslyintotheseat.Heleansoverme,clickingmyseatbeltintoplace.
“Thereyago.Thatwasn’tsohard.”Hetapsthehandleabovemyhead.“Forfuturereference,ifyougrabholdofthisandplantyourfootonthestep,youcanswingyourselfrightup.OrIcankeepliftingyouin.”Heshrugs.“Ipersonallypreferoptiontwo,’causethenIgettocheckoutyourass.”Beforeheshutsthedoor,hewinks,andwhenheclimbsintothetruck,hesimplyasksformyaddresslikehedidn’tjustsaythat.
ThedriveacrossVancouverispeaceful.Sopeaceful,infact,thatwhenIwakewithAdam’shandonmykneeandhissoftvoiceinmyearandfindwe’reparkedoutfrontofmyapartmentbuilding,Igasp.
“Ifellasleep?That’ssoembarrassing.”Myfaceheats.“I’malmostneverawakethislateunlessI’mstudyingforatest.”Ifrownatthemapdisplayonhisdash,whichseemstobestuckrerouting.“Whydoesitsayrerouting?”
“Imight’vegonearoundtheblockacoupletimessoIdidn’thavetowakeyou.”
“Howmanytimesisacouple?”
Hescratcheshisnoseandlooksaway.“Eight.”
“Adam
.”
“Okay,let’sgo!”He’satmydoorbeforeIcancounttothree.
“Youdon’thavetotakemein.”Hecan’t
comein,andthethoughtofmehavingtomakeexcusessendsmypulseracinginmyears.
“Iwon’tasktocomein.Justwannawalkyoutoyourdoor,that’sall.”
Withhishandonmylowerback,hefollowsmethroughthelobbyandintotheelevator.Itclimbsslowly,mynervesclimbingwithit.Bythetimewereachthetwelfthfloor,I’mananxiousmess.
Ishegoingtokissme?DoIkisshim?DoIofferhimahandshake?No,Ican’tdothatagain.Whatif—
“Whichone?”
Myheadsnapsup.“Huh.Oh.Yeah.Here.”Iscrambledownthehall.“I’mdownhere,attheend.”Istickmykeyinthelock,pausingtolistenforanysignoflife,holdinginasighofareliefatthesilence.IturnbacktoAdam.“SoIguessI’ll,uh…”Ishovemyhandbetweenus.
Goddammit,Rosie.
Isqueezemyeyesshutandshakemyhead,pullingmyhandback.ThenIsnapmyfingers.“Oh!Yoursweater!”Ireachforthehem,butAdamstopsmewithhishandonmine.
“Keepit.Fornexttime.”
“Nexttime?Like,a…seconddate?”
“Aseconddate.Withwineandicecreamandallyoursecrets.”Hestepsintome,andwhenmybackhitsthedoor,hechuckles.Hisfacedips,andmyheartleapstomythroatashehesitates,hislipsinchesfrommine,socloseIcantastehim
Hesmiles,justthereintheright-handcorner,atinyquirkofhisbeautifulmouth,beforehebrusheshissoftlipsacrossmycheek.
“Goodnight,trouble.”
MyeyesstaylockedonhisasIdisappearbackwardintomyapartment.Iwatchthroughthepeepholeashestandsthere,handstuckedinhispockets.Hishandcomesup,runningthroughhiscurls,andwithonelastglanceatmydoorandagrinthatkeepsgrowing,Adamturnsandwalksaway.
IditchmyshoesinthehallwayanddrownmyexcitementwithaglassofwaterbeforeIheadthroughthedarklivingroom.ImakeitthreestepsbeforeItripoversomethingfluffythatstartsgiggling.
“Elmolovestolaugh!
”
“Forfuck’ssake,Elmo.”Igrabthetoyoffthefloorandthrowittowardthebasketinthecorner.Itlandswithathudandlaughsatmeagain,ataunting,satanicsoundIhatewithapassion
Ipauseatmybedroomdoor,listeningwithmyearpressedagainstit.Nothingbutwhitenoisetricklesout,soIpushthedooropenasquietlyaspossible.Rustlingsounds,andatinybodyrushestostanding,poppingupfromthecribinthecornerofmyroom.ThedimglowofthestarsshiningontheceilingfromConnor’sfavoritelightilluminatesthemostmagnificent,sleepygreeneyes,andmyfavoritemansmilesupatmeasIstepinside.
Connorshiftsonhisfeet,reachinghistinyhandsintotheair,grabbingforme.
“Mama
!”
Iscoopmysonintomyarmsandcuddlehimclose,myeyesflutteringclosedagainsthisfine,blondwisps.
“Hi,baby,”Iwhisper.“Mamamissedyou.”CHAPTER8
OKAYFRIENDS;TERRIBLEADVICE
ADAM
“Myjunklookshuge.”
Ipushawaythephotocurrentlybeingshovedinmyface.“Getitouttamyface.”
Carterpumpshisbrows.“Intimidating,huh?Youdon’thavetotellme.”Heflipsthroughthephotosonhisphonebeforeheleansintohiswife,whositsattheendofthetablewithIrelandstrappedtoherchest.Hedropshisvoice,butnotlowenoughthatIcan’tmakeouthiswords.“Don’tyouthinktheswordofthunderlooksmassiveinmydickpics?”
“FortheloveofGod,Carter,it’scalledanunderwearshoot,notdickpics.”
“Tomato,tomahto.I’mgonnabealloverNorthAmerica.”
Sheyankshisphoneoutofhishands,tuckingitinherbag.“Stoplookingatpicturesofyourself.Yourfriendisaskingyouforadvice.”
Hewaitsforhertowalkaway,watchingwithasmileasshejoinsasmallgirlplayingwithdolls.Hebraceshishandsoutbetweenus.“Okay,here’swhatyoudo.Youwaitatleastfivedays,andhopefullyshecallsfirst.Whenshedoes,youhesitate,likeyou’retryingtoplacethename.”
GarrettstaresatCarter.“That’stheworstadviceI’veeverheard.Olliewould’vebrokenyournoseifyoutriedthatonher.”
“She’dhavetobeabletoreachmynosefirst.”
“Icanhearyou
!”shecallsacrosstheroom.
Emmettshakeshishead,stringingaglitterypinkbutterflybeadontoathread.“Listen,man,ifyoulikeher,youcallher.There’snoruleabouthowlongyouneedtowait.”
“Thesooner,thebetter,”Garrettaddsfromhisspotonthefloor,wherealittleboyissittingbetweenhislegs,lookingthroughabookaboutanimals.“Itshowsyou’reserious.”
IlookatJaxon.Hiseyesareclosedasagirldustsbrightpurpleeyeshadowoverhislids,thenstickstwoholographicflowerstickerstotheoutsidecornersofhiseyes.
Hecracksalid.“Whatareyoulookingatmefor?Idon’tcallgirlsafteradate,period.”Sarah,thegirlcurrentlydoinghismakeup,kickshisshin.“Ow,fuck!Imean,crap.Crap,whatwasthatfor?”
Sarahpropsafistonherhip.“Nogirlisevergonnaloveyouwiththatbadattitude,Jaxon.”
“Mymamalovesme.She’stheonlygirlIneed.”
“Whatever.Tellmethatagainwhenyoucomecryingtomeforadvicebecausethegirlyoulikewon’tcallyouback.”
“WhywouldI—ugh,nevermind.You’reeleven.You’renotgettingundermyskin.”JaxonpointsatmeasSarahusesabutterflycliptopullhishairoffhisforehead.“Mypointisthis:don’taskmeforadvice,becauseIdon’thaveany.YouandIdatefortwoverydifferentreasons.”
Sarahscruncheshernose.“Whywouldyoudateforanyotherreasonthantofallinloveandgetmarried?”
“BecauseIliketof—”Hestops,holdingmyglare.“Ilovefriends.Ilovemakingfriends.Somanyfriends.Whypickjustone,youknow?”
Atinyhandtouchesmine,andLily’swidechocolateeyespeerupatme.
“Yourfriendsareweird,”shewhispers.
“Soweird,”Iwhisperback.“ButI’mstuckwiththem.”
Shesnickersintoherhand.“Atleastyouhaveme.I’mnotweird.”
“Andyou’remyfavoriteofallmyfriends.”
Hereyesspark.“Really?”
“Yup.You’realwayskindtome,andyouteachmenewthings.I’mluckytohaveafriendlikeyou.”
LilyflushescrimsonbeforeexaminingthebraceletI’mworkingon.“You’redoingreallygood.Maybeyoucangiveittoyourgirlfriendwhenyouseehernext.”Shecocksherhead.“Howcomeyouandyourfriendsarefightingovercallingher?”
“BecauseI’mconfused,andthey’reonlymakingmemoreconfused.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo?”
“Well…”Shetapsherlip.“Youhaveacrush?Like,asuperbigone?”
“Super-duperbig.”
“Easy-peasythen.”
“Easy-peasy?”Nothingaboutthisfeelseasy-peasy.I’moutofpractice.MygutsaysIshouldcallRosie.It’sbeenawholethirteenhours.Idon’twantherthinkingIdidn’thavethebesttime,orthatIdon’twanttoseeheragain.Myheartremindsmethatnothing’sworkedoutforsolong,warnsmetoslowdown.Mybrainislikeafuckingcircusmonkey;ithasnoideawhichdirectiontogoin,soitjustkeepsridingincircles.
“It’slikeatlunchtimewhenthereareextrachocolatepuddingcups.Ilovechocolatepudding,soIeatminesuperfastsoIcangrabanotheronebeforeit’sallgone.That’swhatyou’resupposedtodowiththingsyoureallylike.Grabitbeforesomeoneelsedoes.”
Idrummyfingers.“Ididaccidentallykeepherhat.”
Emmettarchesabrow.“Accidentally?”
Iswallow.“Accidentallyonpurpose.”
“Classicmove,”Cartersays.“KnowwhatIkeptofOllie’safterourfirsttimetogether,soshe’dhavenochoicebuttocomeback?”Hewagshisbrowsathiswife.“Herheart.”
Sherollshereyesfromacrosstheroom.“Adam,howwasRosiewhenyoutoldherabouthockey?”
MygazefallstothebraceletI’vebarelytouched.
“Adam,”Oliviarepeatsslowly.“HowwasRosiewhenyoutoldherabouthockey?”
“Shedoesn’twatchsports,”Isaytothebracelet.
“OhforGod’ssake.Youdidn’ttellher,didyou?”
“Igotscared,”Iblurt,ignoringthesurprisedlooksfrommyfriends.“SheaskedmewhatIdid,andIwasgoingtotellher.Thewordswererightthere,Iswear.Buteverythingwasgoingsoperfectly,andinthemomentallIcouldpicturewaseverythingthatcouldgowrong.”Ipullatthebracelet,watchingitslowlyunravel,thewaythislittlewhitelieissuretoatsomepointifIdon’thandlethisquickly.“Hockeychangeseverything.Idon’twanttobeAdamLockwood,VancouverViper.Nottoher.Ijustwanttobeme.”
It’stheperfectstorm,really.Idon’tlie,ever.What’sthepoint?ButhereIamintheoff-season,nothingbutfreetimeandsunshineonthehorizon.DaysonendtoexplorethingswithRosiewithoutthetimecommitmenthockeypullsfromme.Withoutthemediaonmyback,camerasinmyface.Ijustneedafewdaystofigurethisout,toscrewmyheadonrightandexplainthistoher
Olivia’sbrowneyesshinewithcompassion,butit’sLilywhospeaksupfirst
“Idon’tlikehockey,butIlikeyou.Hockeyisn’twhatmakesyouspecial.”Shetapsherchestandsmiles.“It’syourheart.”
She’sright;Iknowsheis.Butthatdoesn’tstopthepanicthatsqueezesmythroatatthetextmessagethatpopsuponmyscreentwominuteslater.
Trouble
HiAdam.Ihadagreattimelastnight,butIthinkweneedtotalk.
***
InthehistoryofnotbeingsurewhatI’mdoing,thistakesthecake.
Callher
,theyallsaid.AndwhatdidIdo?
Saidarushedgood-bye,ranouttomytruck,anddrovesomewhereIprobablyshouldn’tbe.
AndnowhereIamonthetwelfthfloor,standingoutsidethesamedoorIwatchedherdisappearbehindlastnightwithadopey,bashfulgrin,andcheeksthesamecolorashername.
Ilookdownathersunhatinmyhandbeforeraisingmyfisttothedoor.
ThenIpullitaway,shovemyfingersthroughmyhair,andturnaway.
“Hi,Rosie,”Ipracticesaying.“It’sme,Adam.”Isqueezemyeyesshut.“No,that’sstupid.Sheknowswhoyouare,andshecanseeyou.”Iclearmythroat.“Hi,Rosie.Youleftyourhatinmytruck,andI…no,no,no.Hi,Adam,it’sme,Rosie.Holyfuck.”Idragmyhands,andthehat,downmyface.“I’mgoinghome.”
“Adam?”
Ispinaround,mygazecollidingwithRosie’s.Besidesseemingslightlyamusedandcurious,there’sanedgeinhergaze,thewayshesaysmyname,too,thathasmesecond-guessing.
Thiswasabadidea.Igottooaheadofmyself,andnowwe’remilesapart.
Rosieshiftsonherfeet,glancingoverhershoulder.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“I…I…”Mythoughtsareajumbled,hazymess;Idon’tknowwhereoneendsandtheotherbegins.Ithinkthat’swhyIopenmymouthandwordvomitalloverher.“IhadareallygreattimelastnightandIwaswithmyfriendsthismorningandIwastellingthemeverythingandIaskedforhelpbecauseIdidn’tknowhowlongIshouldwaittocallyou,andsomeofthemtoldmetocallyourightawayandsomeofthemtoldmeIshouldwait,andIgotreallyconfused,andthenyoutextedmethatweneededtotalk,whichisnormallytheworstthingaguycanhearfromagirlhereallylikes,andIwasalittleoverwhelmed,andIkindofpanicked,andI…”Itrailoff,rubbingthenapeofmyneck.“Ireallywantedtoseeyouagain.”
Agrinspreadsacrossherface,thetinydimpleinherchinbeggingforakiss.“Youdidn’tknowwhethertocallme,soyoujustshoweduphereinstead?”
Iholdupherhat.“IalsokindastoleyourhatsoI’dhaveareasontoseeyouagain.”
Shecocksherhead.“ButIstillhaveyoursweater.”
Iswallow.“Doublewhammy.Youwouldahad
toseeme.”
Shegiggles,butbeforeshecanputmeoutofmymisery,thedoorispriedoffherlegwhereshekeepsitproppedopen,andatinyboytoddlesoutfrombehindher,holdinguponeshoeandonesandal.
“S-ooes,”hesaysproudly,holdingthemuptoher.Hiseyescometomine,avibrantshadeofgreen.“S-ooes!”
“Well,heythere,littlebuddy.”Icrouchdowninfrontofhim.“Yougotsomeshoes?”
Henodsexcitedly.“S-ooes!”Heshovesthemintomychest,thenplopsdownatmyfeet,showingmehisbaretoes.
“Connor,”Rosiesaysonasigh,kneelingbesidehim.“Adamdoesn’twanttoputyourshoeson.”Adevilishgrinclaimshermouth,andshestartsticklinghisfeet.“Yourfeetaretoostinkyforhim!”
Thelittleboysquealswithlaughter,wrigglinghiswayintomylap,untilI’mlaughingtoo.
“I’msorry.”Rosiepropshimonherhipbeforewheelingaredwagonoutandsettinghiminside.“He’susuallyprettyshy.Hedoesn’tgouptostrangersoften.”Shetakestheshoesfromme,swappingoneoutsothatshehasapairofmatchingsandals.Shestrapsthemtohistinyfeetwhilehebouncesalonginhisseat,likehecan’twaittogowhereverthey’regoing.
“Who’sthis?”Ifinallyask.
Rosiestaresatthelittleboy,runningherpurplefingernailsthroughhiswispyhair.Asmilebloomsonherface,onesofullofloveit’snearlypainful,andwhenIwatchthosetwosetsofsageeyespeeringbackateachother,I’mnotsurprisedtoseethesamelovereflectedbackinthelittleboy’sgaze.Iwatchthemamomentlonger,notingtheshapeofhismouth,thewayitmatchesRosie’s,thematchinghoneyhueintheirwaves,andIknowbeforethewordsleavehermouth.
“ThisisConnor.He’smyson.”CHAPTER9
LITTLETROUBLE
ADAM
Son.
He’smyson.
Rosieisamama.
Hereyescloseasshepressesakisstohisforehead,andwhenshelooksatme,beyondthepride,thelove,Iseethehesitation,likeshe’sworriedwhatthismightmeanforus.Iseethebleakestspotofgrief,likeshe’salreadyacceptedmydecision,alreadysaidgood-bye.
ButIdon’tlikegood-byes,andI’mcertainlynotwillingtomakeherone.
IcrouchnexttoConnorandsmile.“Hi,Connor.I’mAdam.”
“Dada.”Hepatsmyhand,thenRosie’sthigh.“Mama.”
“Ohmygosh.”Rosie’sfaceburnsred.“I’msosorry.Itmustbeanewphase.”
Connorpointsdownthehall.“Walk?”
“AreyouandMamagoingforawalk?CanIcometoo?”
Hegrins,sotoothyandinnocent,andhe’sgotthesamesplatteringoftinyfrecklesacrosshisteensynoseashismom.“Walk.”
“We’rewalkingovertothepark,”Rosiesays,settingherbackpackinthewagon.“Youdon’thavetocomewithus.”
“I’dloveto,thankyou.”
Herjawdrops.“I…well…butdoyou…”Shegivesuponwords,choosinginsteadtotwineherpastelwavesaroundherfinger.
“Unlessyoudon’twantmeto.Isthatwhatyouwerewantingtotalktomeabout?Thatyoudon’twanttoseemeanymore?”
Shefrowns.“OfcourseIwanttoseeyou.”
“Great.”Iplopherhatonherhead.“Thehattrickworked.Let’sgo.”Itakeherhand,grabthehandleofthewagon,andstartpullingbothgreen-eyedcutiestowardtheelevator.“Sowhatdidyouwanttotalktomeaboutthen?”
Rosie’seyesdroptoConnor.Whentheycomebacktome,thelookshegivesmesaysshe’snotsureI’mallthere.“ThatIhaveason?Youknow,incasethatwasn’tsomethingyouwantedinyourlife.”
“Whywouldthatmatter?”
Shestaresatherfeet,tugsatheroversizedT-shirt.“Itmatterstoalotofpeople.”
Thewhisperedwordsarecarvedinheartache,soIsqueezeherhandandpromise,“Itdoesn’tmattertome.NowIgettwoforthepriceofone.”
Hergazerises,movingcautiouslybetweenmine.“Youreallymeanthat?”
“Iknowthisisnew,thatwehaven’tknowneachotherforlong,butIfeelsomethinghere.I’dliketoexploreitwithyou.Isthatwhatyouwanttoo?”
“Yeah.Itis.”
“Thenlet’sspendsometimetogether.Wecanmoveatwhateverspeedyou’recomfortablewith.I’minnorush;Ijustwanttokeepgettingtoknowyou.Youmakemesmile.”
Shegrantsmeonerighthereandnow,brightenoughtorivaltheJulysunshine.“Youmakemesmiletoo.”
“Brum-brum
!”Connorshoutsfrombehindus,pointingatatruckthatwhizzesdownthestreet.“Tuck!Brum-brum
!”
“That’shisenginenoise.Youshouldseehimwhenabusdrivesby.Loseshisever-lovingmind.”
Iparkthewagonbeneaththeshadeofatreeontheoutskirtsoftheemptypark,andwefollowalongasConnortearsovertotheplayequipment,yelling,“Pak!Pak!”
“Howoldishe?”
“Fifteenmonths.HewasborninAprillastyear.”ShewatchesmeoutofthecornerofhereyeasConnorslipshishandintohers,climbingontothesmallplatform,leadingtotheslide.“Doyoulikekids?”
“Ilovekids.Idoabitofvolunteeringwithsomevulnerableones.”
Hersmileissoft,curiousgazerakingoverme.“That’sawesome,Adam.”
Ishrug.“It’snothing.”It’snotnothing.TheFamilyProject,myfundraisingeventsforSecondChanceHome,bringsinhundredsofthousandsofdollarseachyear,helpsfundtheircenter,andbringsnewfamiliestogether.It’smyprideandjoy,mygreatestaccomplishment,andIliketokeepitclosetomyheart.
“Dada
!”
“OhforGod’s—Connor,thisisAdam.”Rosiepatsmychest.“A-dam.”
Connorblinksather.Looksatme.BacktoRosie,thenme.Hepointsattheslide.“Dada,s-ide?”
Rosieburiesherfaceinherhand.“I’msosorry.”
“Don’tbe.”Istartclimbingontotheplatform.“Youwantsomehelpgettingtothetop,buddy?”
Hisfingersgraspmine,andIlookdownattheconnection.Hishandissotiny,allhisfingerswrappedaroundmypinky,andwhenhetugsmealongbehindhim,I’mstruckbythewarm,tightfeelinginmychest.
Atthetopoftheslide,Connorpauses.“Dada,baby,s-ide.”
Rosiesnickers.“Oh,baby.I’mnotsureAdamcanfitdowntheslide.”
Mybrowsskyrocket.“Hewantsmeto…?”
“Mhmm.”
“ButI…”Thatlittleblueslideisnarrowasfuck.I’mafairlyconfidentguyandIdon’tturndownmostchallenges,butthis…Idon’tknowaboutthis.AlifetimeofskatinghasgivenmewhatI’vegracefullydubbedasahockeybutt.Hockeybutts…theydon’tfitdownkids’slides.“I’msorry,buddy.”Iglanceovermyshoulder,downatmyownass.“Idon’tthink…well,thethingis…”
“Adam’sgotabubblebutt,”Rosietellshimseriously,asifhecanunderstandthemeaningbehindherwords.Herplayfulgazerisestomine.“It’sperfect,bytheway,andI’vecaughtmyselfstaringatitwaytoooften,butdon’tletitgotoyourhead.”
Thecornerofmymouthlifts,explodingintoaslowgrin.“Toolate.Icanfeelmyheadgettingbiggerbythesecond.”Iliftmyarmsoverheadwithanexaggeratedgroan.“Allright,buddy.Let’sdothis.Let’sseeifmyperfectbubblebuttgetsusdownthisslide.”Iscootaroundhim,wedgemyhipsbetweentheplastic,andConnorsqueals,launchinghimselfintomylap.Pressinghisbacktomychest,Iwrapmyarmsaroundhim.“Ready?”
Ipushawayfromtheslide,startingourdescent.
It’s…
Entirelyunderwhelming.Whatthefuck.
IwigglemyhipsasrigorouslyasIcan,tryingtogainmomentum.Connordoesn’tseemtomind,gigglingandscreechingaway,andbestofall?I’veneverheardRosielaughlikethatbefore.
It’sbeautifulandairy,socarefreeandwild,lettingmeseehowheavyithadbeen,theweightofwonderinghowI’dreacttoherhavingason.I’dgiveanythingtocapturethismomentinaphoto,becauserightnow,Iseeallofher,butmorethanthat,I’vefoundher.
Iwonderifshe’llfindmetoo.
Wemakeittotheendoftheeight-footslideaftertwenty-fivegruelingseconds,andthesecondmybutthitsthewoodchips,Connor’spullingmerightbackup.Werideitagainandagain,untilheswitchestotheswing,andeventuallyRosiehastopryhimawayforlunch.
Beneaththeshadeofatree,Rosieunpackssandwiches,fruits,andmuffinsfromherbag.“It’ssimpletoday.”Sheholdsoutacontainerofsandwiches.“PBbanana.”
“Oh,no.Ican’t.It’sforyoutwo.”
“There’senoughforusall,”sheassuresme,placingasmallplateoffoodinfrontofConnor.
“Ba-na,”hesaysexcitedly,stuffingabiteofPBandbananasandwichinhismouth.“Ba-na!”
Rosiegigglesandhandsmeasandwichtriangle.“IneverknowwithConnor,soIalwayshaveextra.Somedayshetakestwobitesandsaysdone,andsomedayshe—”
—toddlesovertomylap,plopshimselfinit,andtakesabiteofmysandwich,apparently.Allwhilegrowlinglikeabearandstillholdingontohisownsandwich,whichis,tobehonest,highlyfuckingimpressive.
“—doesn’tstopeating,”Rosiefinisheswithasigh.“There’snosuchthingasmine
inourhome.What’smineishis,andwhat’shisis…well,it’shistoo.Igetthescraps.”
Asifoncue,Connoroffershismomthecrustofhissandwich.“Mama.”
Chuckling,Iticklehisside.“You’retrouble,justlikeMama,aren’tyou?”Hesnickers,squirminginmylapbeforemunchinganotherbiteofmysandwich.“Littletrouble,that’syou,huh,buddy?That’sokay.I’llsharemysandwichwithyouanyday.”
Connortakesonelastbitebeforeholdingthecrustuptomymouth,andIeatitwithoutthinking.
“Probablynotthekindofgermsyouwerethinkingofswapping,huh?”Rosiemurmursbeforehereyeswiden.“Notthatyouwerethinkingofswappinganygermsatall.Not,like,mygermsandyourgerms.Ididn’tmeanthat.Ididn’tmean,like,youwerethinkingofkissingmeoranythingridiculouslikethat.”
“Uh-huh,”Imuse,watchingasshesnatchesupthegarbageandleapstoherfeet,haulingasstothetrashcan.
Speakingofass,thefullcurveofhersisoutofthisfuckingworldinthosedenimcutoffs.
“Areyoulookingatmybubblebutt?”Sheslapstwohandsoverit,andIwannafuckingdothat.Sinkingbackdownbesideme,shehideshershysmileinhermuffin.“It’snotlikeyours.”
“Youdon’thavetorubitin,Rosie.I’msensitiveaboutmybutt.Iknowyoursisbetter.”
Shestuffsthestrawofherwaterbottleintohermouth,hidinghergrin.“Shutup.”
“You’dhavetomakeme.”Iwink.“Icanthinkofafewwaystodosoifyou’dlike.”
Shemanagestomakesplutteringwateralloverherselfcute,andConnorthinksit’ssofunnyhestartstryingtodoittoo.They’reaperfectpair,lookingliketwinsashesnugglesintoherlapafterlunchwhenshepullsouthisfavoritebook,TheWheelsontheBus
.Ismileasshesingseverywordashepassesoutinherlap,histhumbinhismouth,Rosie’sfingersrunningthroughhishair.
“I’msorryIdidn’ttellyoulastnight,”Rosiesaysquietly,eyesdancingwithvulnerability,anexplanationshedoesn’towemebutwantstogivemeanyway.“Iwasn’ttryingtohideit,it’sjust…Idon’tdatealot.Besidesitbeinghardtofindtime,it’sbeensuchaletdown.ThefirstdateIwentonafterConnorwasborn,itwassomeoneI’dtalkedtoafewtimeswhilewaitinginlineformymorningcoffee.Igenuinelylikedhim,andwhenheaskedmeout,Iwassonervoustobewithanyone,letalonetellthemIwasamom.Buthewassonice,ItoldhimaboutConnorfifteenminutesintothedate.Hebarelyspokeforthenexttenminutesbeforeexcusinghimselftothebathroom.Hecameback,saidhewasn’tfeelingwell,andleft.Iatebymyself,tryingnottocry.Onmywalkhome,Isawhimonthepatioofthebarthreedoorsdown.”Hernosewrinkles.“MadeithometobedbeforeIletthetearscome.IthinkwhatIfeltworstaboutwasthatI’dmissedoutonmyson’sbedtimeforsomeonewhodidn’tcareaboutus.”
Coveringherhandwithmine,Igiveitatendersqueeze.“I’msorryhedidn’trecognizewhathecould’vehad,Rosie.”
“It’snobigdeal.Ijustrealizedwewouldn’tbeforeveryone.IdecidedafterthatIwasn’tinterestedindating.Butmyroommateandhisboyfriendalwaystrytogetmeoutthereeveryonceinawhile.”Sheliftsashoulder.“Igo,butwithnoexpectations.It’smypolicythatIdon’tbringConnorintoanythingunlessIfeelagenuineconnection.I’veneverhadaseconddatewithanyone,so…”Herlowerlipslidesbetweenherteeth,andsheswallows.“I’veneverhadtodealwiththerejectionagain.”
“Doesthiscountasourseconddate?”
Wide,hopefuleyescollidewithmine.“Doyouwantitto?”
Irubthepadofmythumboverherprettypurplenailsbeforelacingourfingerstogether,marvelingathowperfecthersmallhandfeelsinmine.
“I’malreadyplanningthethird.”CHAPTER10
MYPEENHERO
ROSIE
“Is
thisdatenumbertwoorthree?”Marcopopshischinonhisfistandcockshishead.“Ortechnicallyfour?”
“Four,”Archieanswers.“’CausetechnicallytheirparkdatewithConnorwastwo,andthentheirdoghikethismorningwasthree.Right,Ro?”
“Idonno,”Imumble,twiningmyfingersthroughmyhair,tyingmyFrenchbraidsdown,leavingthebackfree.It’sdefinitelydatefour.ThismorningwhenIfoundhimandBearoutfrontofWildheart,waitingformeandPiglet,hetookmyhandandsaiditwasdatenumberthree.Heevenhadhisownbackpack,filledwithfruitandcookiesfordessertafterlunchonthebridge.
Islipalilacbarretteontoeachbraidandspinaround,groaningwhenmytwo-piecebathingsuitisthrustinmyface
“I’mnotwearingthat.”Ishoveitaway,reachfortheone-piecehangingonthebackofthebathroomdoor,andthenchangemymind.“Actually,Idon’tthinkI’llbringabathingsuitatall.”
Marco’sbrowsrise.“Okay,Rosie’sgoingallin.Skinny-dipping.Adamwilllovethat.Titsandassisalwaystherightchoice.”
“I’mnotgoingnude.”Ielbowpasthimandintomybedroom.“I’mjustnotgonnaswim.”Sowhatifthat’swhatheinvitedmeovertodo.
Archiesqueezesmyshoulder.“Ifyou’renotcomfortableswimming,Ro,justtellhimso.He’llunderstand,givenwhat’shappened.”
“It’snotthat.”It’sdefinitelypartiallythat.“Plus,hedoesn’tknowwhathappened.”Ishakemyhead.“Okay,I’mafraidoffreakingoutinthepool,butmostly,he’sjustsopretty
.Icaughtaglimpseofhisabsthatfirstdayonthetrail,anditwasn’tevenasix-pack.Iswear,therewereatleasteightofthosethings.Andhehasthat…”Igesturetowardmycrotch.“ThatstupidV
thatpointsrighttohis…his…”
“Anaconda?”
“Magicstick?”
“Dickmatizer?”
“Hospitalizer?”
Iwaveawaytheirwords.“Yeah.That.”
Archieshrugs.“So?He’shotasfuck,what’syourpoint?”
Ilookdownatmyself,thebodyhiddenbehindmyflowysummerdress.Ilovemybodyforeverythingit’sdoneandtheworldit’sgivenme,butit’sfarfromperfect.“HowdoIstackuptosomeonewholookslikethat?”
ArchieandMarcoexchangealook,andMarconods.“She’soneofthosegirlswhodoesn’trealizeshe’sgorgeous.”
“Ihatewhenshedoesthis.”Archiesighsandtakesmebytheshoulders.“You,RosieWells,arebeautiful.Ontheoutsideandtheinsidetoo.Anymanwouldtripoverhisowntwofeettogetasmilefromyou,anditsoundslikeAdam’sdoneexactlythat.”
“Youhadababy,”Marcoadds.“Thatdoesn’tmakeyouworthanyless.”
“I’mnotasthinasIusedtobe.Andmyscar—”
“Yourscarisabadassbadgeofhonorforhavingalifeyou
createdcarvedrightoutofyou.Andyourstretchmarksaretigerstripes,Rosie.Youarestrong.Youarefierce.Youareperfect,justthewayyouare.”Marcosweepsmybangsaside.“Don’tdoubtthattherightpersonwon’tseethat,becausehewill.”
“Comparingyourselftootherswon’tgetyouanywhere.It’sauselesswaytospendyourenergy.”Archietapsmynoseandwinks.“Andyouneedtoreservethat,becauseitsoundslikeAdammightbeabletogoallnight.”
Islaphishandaway.“Itdoesn’tmatter,becauseIdefinitelycan’t.IpassedoutinhistruckonthewayhomefromourdateonWednesday.”
Marcosighswistfully.“There’sjustsomethingaboutamanwhodrivesatruck.”
Archie’sbrowspulldown.“Idriveatruck.”
Marcowaveshimoff.“Please,Rosie.Wearthetwo-piece.Thebottomsarehigh-waisted,theyshowoffyourcurves,andAdamwillbedrooling.”
InibblemylipasIexaminetheyellowsuitwithlittlewhitedaisies.“Youreallythinkso?”
“Iknowso.Nowlet’stouchupthosetoenails.”
Atouch-upbecomesacompleteredo,andMarcoevenaddsdaisiestomatchmybikini,somethingIdon’tnoticeuntilI’mdone,becauseI’mtooengrossedwiththoughtsofAdam.
HewasadreamwithConnoronThursday.Iwasn’tsurprised,Iguess,butIwas
surprisedhewassononchalantaboutthenews.Themandidn’tevenbataneye,justgotdowntoConnor’slevelandintroducedhimselfbeforetakingmyhandandpullingustothepark.Ididn’texpectittobesoeasy,butI’mashamedthatI’mstillhere,kindof…waitingfortheothershoetodrop.
Fuck,Ihopethere’snotanothershoe.
MyphonepingsasIcheckmyhairforthehundredthtime,andIscoopitup,eagertoseeifit’sAdamonhiswayover.
Brandon
uneedtocomegetconnor.something’swrongwithhim.
Myheartthudsaquick,anxiousbeatasIwaitwaytoolongformyson’sfathertopickupthephonehetextedmefromjustsecondsago.
“Areyouonyourway?”hegrumblesingreeting,andmychesttightensatthesoundofConnor’scriesinthebackground.
“What’swrong?Isheokay?”
“Idonno.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tknow?Yousaidsomething’swrong.Ishesick?”
Brandongroans,liketheconversationisexhaustinghim.“Idon’tfuckingknow,Rosie.He’sjustnotright.Hewon’tstopcrying.”
“Haveyoutriedholdinghim?”
“Hedoesn’twannabeheld.”
“Didheeatlunch?”
“WehadsomeTimbits.”
“Timbitsaren’t—”Itakeadeepbreathandletitgo,reelinginmyfrustration.“Hemightbehungrystill.Canyoumakehimasandwich?Cutupsomefruitforhim?”
“He’snotfuckinghungry,Rosie,he’sjustmiserable.Ineedyoutocomegethim;he’sdrivingmenuts.”
“Pleasedon’tsaythingslikethatinfrontofhim.”
“He’sababy.Hedoesn’tknowwhatI’msaying.”Brandonsighs.“Look,areyoucomingornot?”
“I’mcoming,”Imumble,grabbingthefoldedstrollerfromthefrontcloset,slippingquietlyoutthedoorbeforeArchieandMarcocancatchmeandforcemetoputmyfootdown,toremindBrandonthathe’ssupposedtohaveConnoruntiltomorrowevening,thatheneedstostepupandbeaparent.
Instead,ItypeoutamessageIdon’twanttosend.
Me
I’msosorry,Adam.Ihavetocanceltoday.Ihopewecanreschedule.
ThesecondIstepoutoftheelevator,myphonerings.Adam’snamelightsmyscreen,andIsteelmyspinebeforeIanswerit.
“Hey,you.”
“Hey,trouble.Everythingokay?”There’sagentlenesstohisvoice,onethat’salwaysthere,evenwhenhisflirtysidefliesfree.
“Yeah,totally.”Isqueezemyeyesshutandshakemyhead,beforepushingthroughthefrontdoorsintothewarmbreeze.“No,notreally.Idon’tknow.Connor’shavingaroughday,Iguess.Hisdadwantsmetocomegethim.”
“I’msorryhe’sstrugglingtoday.”Hepausesamoment.“Doesheliketoswim?”
“Youwantmeto…tobringhim?”
“Iwanttospendtherestofthedaywithbothofyou.Isthatokay?”
“No.Imean,yes.Yes,ofcourseit’sokay.It’sjust…noone’sever…I…”
“Areyougoingtogethimnow?”Adamasks,takingawaythepressuretogivemyspiralingthoughtsavoice.“Doyouneedaride?”
“Brandon’sonlyaten-minutewalkaway.”
“Okay,well,IcanpickyouandConnorupinaboutahalfhourifyouwanttogohomeandgrabhisswimsuitandwhateverelseyouneed.”
“No,Ican’t…Imean,Idon’thaveacarseatforhim.Wewalkorbuseverywhere.”Isigh,rubbingmyeyes.Thisdoesn’tfeellikeit’sgoingtowork.“Andheneedsanap,soI’dhavetobringhisplaypen,buthemightnotsleepwellinadifferentenvironment,anditjust…Idon’tknow,Adam.Maybetodayisn’tagoodday.”
“Hey.”Hisquiet,patientvoicestillsmyracingthoughts.“I’vegotaplaypenforwhenmyfriend’sdaughterisover.Connorcanliedownhereifyou’recomfortablewiththat.Iknowyoulikeroutine,soifyouaren’treadytochangethings,Iunderstand.ButIwouldlovetoseeyoutwo,soifyouwanttogivethisatryforaday,justknowthatI’mhere.”
Myfeetstopmoving,andIgroundmyselfinthemoment.Ifeelthesmooth,fakeleatherofthestrollerhandleinmyfist,thehotsunshineonmycheeks,thewarmbreezebrushingthroughmyhair.Iseethewaymydressswaysgently,hearAdam’spatient,softbreathinmyearashewaits.
“Okay,”Ifinallysay.
“Okay?”
“We’llcome.We’lltryit.”There’sawhooshofbreathontheothersideofthephone,andIsmileathisrelief.Myownreliefcomesathisnextwords,theexcitementthatbleedsthroughsovividly.
“Fuckyeah,Rosie!”
***
He’sexactlywhereIexpectedhimtobe.Bothofthemare,actually.
IstormbyBrandon,sittingonhiscouchwithhisfeetuponhiscoffeetable,tippingabeerbackwhilehewatchesbaseball,andIscoopConnoroutoftheplaypenhe’sreachingformefrom,cryingandscreaming.
“Howlonghashebeenintherefor?”IaskasConnorlayshissoppingcheekonmychest,grabbingafistfulofmyhairashesettleshimselfwithdeepbreaths.
Brandon’sshoulderpopsupanddown,eyesneverleavingtheTV.“Hourorso.”
“Seemslikehejustwantedsomecuddles.”
Hisgazeflickstome,eyesrolling.“Heneedstolearnhedoesn’tgeteverythinghewantsbycrying.”
“He’sababy
,Brandon.Hecan’tregulatehisemotions.He’scryingbecausehewantscomfort,andwe’rehissafeplace.”IpressmylipstoConnor’shairandrubhisback,rockinghimbackandforth.“Hejustwantstobeclosetous.Hewantsinteraction.”
“I’mnotaTVshow.Idon’talwayswannaentertainhim.”
“YouthinkIwanttoentertainhimeveryminute?It’shardandexhausting,butwechosetohaveababy,sowedoit.”
“Ididn’tchooseshit.”
Istopbouncingasthecolorleavesmyface.“Whatdidyousay?”
Hesighs,settinghisbottledownsohecansitupanddragbothhandsthroughhishairanddownhisface.“Ican’tdothisanymore.”
“Can’t,orwon’t?”
Heleapstohisfeet,armswide.“It’stoomuch!He’stoomuch!Allhedoesiscryuntilyoucomeback.Hetakesforevertogettosleep,andIlosemyownsleepbecauseofhim.Ijust…Idon’t…”Hetugshishair,spinningawayfromme.
“Beverycarefulofyournextwords,”Iwarnlowly.“You’vewalkedoutonhimonce,justtocrawlbackamonthlater.Ifyoudoitagain,youwon’tbewelcomeback.Hedeservestohavepeopleinhislifewholovehim.”
Brandonspinsonme,pointingatmewithathreateningfinger.“Don’tdothat.Ilovehim.HeknowsIdo.”
Thenactlikeit
,Iwanttoscream.Instead,Iwalkaway,pullopenhisdoor,andglancebackathim.“Hedeservestobesurroundedbypeoplewhowanttobeinhislife,nomatterhowchallengingthedayscanbe.”
***
Thathasgottabeanine-inchdong,atleast.Maybeten.
Doten-inchpenisesexist?Theymust,becauseI’malmostcertainthismanispackingone.
Jesus,Iwonderifhisbackhurtscarryingthataroundbetweenhislegsallday.
Unlessit’spadding.I’veheardtheydothatsometimes,fluffthejunkupwithpaddingtomakeitlookextrabig.
Butno,Idon’tthinkso.No,thearrogant,confidentlookinthisman’spiercinggreeneyessays,I’vegotahugedickandIknowit.
Connor’sasfixatedasIam.Hereachesout,layinghistinyhandoverthephotooftheman’spackage.Thesizedifferenceissoalarming,it’scomical.
“Connor,buddy.”Itakehishandandguidehimbacktowardthebenchinthebusshelter,turningmylaughintoacough.“Wedon’ttouchotherpeople’sbodies,evenifit’sjustapicture.”Agiganticpictureofagiganticdong,tuckedinatightpairofboxerbriefs
Seriously,whothehelldecidedabusshelterwasagoodplaceforanunderwearad?Idon’tcareifthemanis—Isquintatthewords—God’sgifttohockey,women,andunderwear.Whatdoesthatevenmean?Ibetthemodeldoesn’tevenknow.Heheardhismonsterdickwouldbeondisplayandjumpedatthechance.
Therumbleofanenginesounds,andConnor’sheadsnapsupbeforeheracestowardthesidewalk.“Brum,brum
!”
Igrabthestrollerandfollowalong,butit’snotthebus.
“Tuck,”Connorstatesproudly,pointingatthemidnightbluetruckasitapproaches.“Big
tuck!”Hewavesbothhands,bouncingonhistoes.“Whoooa
!Hi,bigtuck!”
Thetruckpullstoastopbesideus,andamanwithagrinasdevastatinglyhandsomeasitissheepishhopsout.
“Well,heythere,littlebuddy,”Adamsays,crouchinginfrontofConnor.“Rememberme?”
“Dada!”ConnorleapsatAdam,wrappinghistinyarmsaroundhiswideshoulders.WhenAdamlaughsandliftshimintotheair,somethinghappensinsideme.
It’sthestrangestthing,likesomethingmendingandunravelingallatonce.IfeelapulltowardafutureI’vealwaysdreamtof,astabilityI’vecravedandbeendeprivedoffortoolong.AndyetI’mreadytothrowawaynearlyeverythingIknow,allthatI’veworkedfor,forthesmallesttasteofthisman,tofeelhishandscoastthevalleysofmybody,tomakeeveryinchofmecomealive.Because,God,Ifeelalivewithhim,andallhe’sdoingisstandingthere,holdingmyworldinhisarms,lookingatuslikewemightbehis.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Itakeahesitantsteptowardhim,myhandsshakingattherealizationthathemeanssomuchtomeinnotimeatall,norhymeorreason,andI’mafraidthiswillendthewaylifehasalwaysworkedforme:him,leaving,andme,walkingthisroadalone.“Idon’thaveacarseat.”
“No,but…”Heopensthedoorbehindthepassenger’sseat.“Ido.”
Istareforsolong,Adamwindsupinfrontofme,twofingerstouchingmychin,closingmymouth,amusementshininginhiseyeswhileConnorsnickersandtriestodothesametoAdam.
“Ididn’trunoutandbuyacarseatoranything,”hequicklyclarifiesthelongerI’msilent.“I’mnot…pleasedon’tthinkI’m…I’msorryifthisistoomuchandIscaredyou.Myfriendhasfivecarsandaseatinallofthem—don’taskmewhy;he’sjustsuperostentatiousaboutallthings—andheletmeborrowone.Hehelpedmeinstallit,which,asitturnsout,issuperfuck—uh,freaking
hard.Therearesomanyrules,butheshowedmehowtoadjustitsowecanmakesureitfitsConnorjustright.”Adamsmiles.It’sextrawide,supergritty,andallteeth,likehe’sjustrealizinghowwildthisis.“Itotallyoverstepped,didn’tI?Aw,shit.Ididn’tmeanto.I’msooutofmyrealmhere.Thethoughtofyoutwotakingthebushomealonelatertonightdidn’tsitwellwithme,soI…I…”Hehangshishead.“I’msorry.”
ConnorlayshishandonAdam’scheekandpullshishatoff,lettinghiscurlsspringfree,abeautifuldisasterConnorwastesnotimeburyinghisfingersinoncehe’stossedAdam’shatoverhisshoulder.“Hair,”hesayssimply,pattingthedarktresses.Hepointsatthetruck.“Bigtuck.Beep-beep!”
Connor’ssimplewordsclearthefogfrommyhead.Everythingissimpletohim.He’seasygoingandflexible.Heseessomethinghelikes—likeAdam,hishat,hishair,histruck—andhetakesit.Iwanttobelikethat.Idon’twanttooveranalyzeeverydetail.Ijustwanttoletgoandtakeit.
IsteparoundAdam,peekingatthecarseat.“Ohwow,”Imurmur.“Topoftheline.”
“Yeah,”Adamwhispersinmyear.“He’s,like…superostentatious.”
“Hesoundsfun.”
Heswallows.“Alittleoverthetop.”
Iglanceovermyshoulder,andAdam’seyesdroptomine,bouncingdowntomymouth,barelyabreathfromhiswithhischindippedlow,beforericochetingbackup.“Connoristhirty-twoinchestallandtwenty-threepounds.”
“Sohecanstillrearface,”Adampuffsout.“WhichiswhatIfiguredwhenweinstalledit,and,bytheway,isfivehundredpercentsaferthanforward-facing.”
Asmiletugsatmymouth.“Youdidyourresearch.”
“Iloveresearch.”Hisbrowspinchwithhisfrown.“Thatwassolame.”
Alaughbubblesfrommychest,andAdamgrins.Thetensionbetweenusdissipates,andItickleConnor’sbelly.“Whatdoyouthink,buddy?WannarideinAdam’struck?”CauseMamawantstoridesomethingelseofAdam’s.
No.Fuck.No,Rosie.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.
IfIsayitthreetimes,maybeit’llcometrue.
Adamwasrightabouthavingdonehisresearch,thoughheinsistshisfriendreallyshovedalotofinformationdownhisthroatbeforehepulledoutofhisdrivewaywiththecarseatinstalled.ItonlytakesusaminutetoadjusttheseatperfectlyforConnor,andmylittleguyishappyaseveraswebucklehimin.
“It’sagoodthingyoucamewhenyoudid.Idon’tthinkConnorandIcouldspendanotherminutelookingatthatman’speen.”
Adamgivesmealook,andwhenIgesturetowardthebusshelter,hethrowsthetruckinreverseandslowlybacksupuntilthelife-sizeadvertisementcomesintoview,thearrogant,deviousgrin,andtheextra-large—possiblypadded—dong.
“JesusChrist,”Adammutters.
“Right?Wasthatnecessary?It’slikeabadwreck.Icouldn’tlookawaynomatterhowhardItried.That’sgottabeteninches,no?”
“Nine,”Iswearhewhispers.
“What?”
“Nothing.Definitelypadded.”Heshiftsintodrive,slingshisarmovermyseat,checksoverhisshoulder,andhitsmewithawinkbeforepullingintotraffic.“Nomorebusshelterpeensforyou,Rosie.I’llprotectyou.”
Icuphisjawbeforeleaningforward,surprisingusbothwhenIpressmylipstohischeek.“Mypeenhero.”CHAPTER11
CANCONFIRM:THAT’SAHOSPITALIZER
ROSIE
Have
youeverwalkedintoaspaceandbeenhitwiththeoverwhelmingurgetolockthedoorsoyoucanlivethere,inthatmoment,forever?
That’smerightnow,andit’sbeenmesinceAdamopenedhisfrontdoorandguidedConnorandmeinside.
SinceConnortookonelookatthewidestaircaseandstartedcrawlingupit,andthenAdamspentfifteenminutesshowinghimhowtogoupanddown,becausewedon’thavestairsathome.
Sinceheshowedusthediningroomtableheandhisdadbuilttogetherwhenhemovedintwoyearsago,andthenplayedpeekaboowithConnoraroundit.
SinceConnorfoundtheTVremote,handedittoAdam,askedforbus
,andthetwoofthemwatchedandsangitonrepeatthreetimes.
Andrightnow,asIrunmyfingersovertherusticbrickbacksplash,themarblecountertops,alongtheedgeoftheoversizedfarmhousesink,downtothecupboards.Fromthepristinewhitesidingmingledwithlargestone,thewoodenpillars,theblackframedwindows,thisoversizedfarmhousebackingontothemountainsinNorthVancouverisjust…perfection.
Butit’stheolive-greencupboardsthatdomein.
“I’vealwayslovedthecolorofthesecupboards,butthey’vebecomemyfavoritepartofthishousesinceImetyou.”
MygazecomestoAdam’sashestrollsupbesideme.“Why’sthat?”
Hebrushesmybangsaside.“Becausethey’rethesamecolorasyoureyes.”
Ahappywarmthpoolsinmycheeks,andIwatchmyfingersslowlyskimthemutedcolor.“MyparentsandImovedintoourhousewhenIwassix.Thecupboardsweresolidmaplebutold,andwedidn’thavethemoneytorenovate.”IsmileatthememoryofmydaddraggingusthroughHomeDepot,holdingpaintchipsuptomyeyes.“Hepaintedthemgreentomatchmineandmymom’seyes.”
“Mmm…”Adamwindsanarmaroundmywaist,pullingmebackagainsthischest,hislipsatmyhair.“YourdadandIwouldgetalongwell,Ithink.”
Theyreallywouldhave.Lordknowshewould’vehadmymomeatingoutofthepalmofhishandtoo.
Connorsqueezesbetweenus,pullingonAdam’sshorts.“’nack?”
“Snack?”Adamasks,andwhenConnornods,hepullsoutpeanutbutter,bread,andabanana.“Yeah,dude.Letmemakeyoua—”
“Ba-na
!”heshrieks,marchinginspot,clappinghishands.Hereachesforthebanana.“Ba-na!”
“Allright,bananaitis.”Adamchuckles,peelingthebanana,breakingitinhalf,andhandingittohim.“Thatwaseasy.”
“Where’sBear?”Iask,suddenlyrealizingwhat’smissing.
“Ituckedhiminmyroom.Iwasn’tsureifConnorwouldbenervousaroundhimsincehe’ssobig.”
“Ohno.Connorlovesdogs.”Irufflehishair.“Don’tyou,buddy?”
“Dog,”hereplies,shovingthelastofhisbananainhismouth.“Oof,oof
!”
Adamcrouchesinfrontofhim.“DoyouwanttomeetmydogBear?He’smybestbud.”
ConnorshovesthelastofhisbananainhismouthandgrabsholdofoneofAdam’sfingers.ThewayAdam’seyeslight,thecornerofhismouthquirkingashelooksdownattheconnection,makesmyheartflutter.
Ifollowastheytrotupthestairs,Connorstaringupathimwithwide,wonderouseyes,likehe’senthralledwitheverywordAdamspeakstohim.Ormaybeit’stheundividedattentionAdamlavishesonhim.Whateveritis,Ithinkhe’sinlove.
Adampusheshisbedroomdooropenaninch,andablacknosenudgesitswaythrough,sniffing.There’sasolid,steadythumpofahappytailwhippingbackandforth,andwhenBear’stonguemakesanappearance,Connorstartsgiggling.
“Bear,sit,”Adamcommands,liftingConnorintohisarmsasheopensthedoor.“Goodboy.Wait.”Bear’sbrowneyesbouncebetweenConnorandme.Heshiftsfrompawtopaw,whimpering,andConnorstartsgasping,wriggling,justasdesperatetotouchBearasBearistotouchhim.
“Dog.Dog!”Wildgreeneyesmeetmine.“Mama,dog
!”
Adamwalksintothebedroom,uptothepristineking-sizedbed,andtakesaseat.HepatstwiceandtellsBearup
beforemakinghimliedown.ThenhesetsConnoronthebed.
“We’regentlewithourpets,”IremindConnor,andhetentativelyreachesforBear,hiseyesshiningwithlove.Bearmeetshimhalfway,oneginormoustonguethatcoversConnor’swholefaceinasingleswipe,andmylittleguythrowshisarmsaroundBear’sburlyneck.“Hi,dog!Hi,bigdog!”
Adamlaughs,andmyattentionwandersaroundhisincrediblespace,howintimateitfeelstobeinherewithhim.Iwalkacrossthechestnutbrownplanks,warmbelowmybarefeetfromthesunshinestreamingthroughthedoubleFrenchdoors.They’reproppedopen,lettinginthebreeze,andIstepontotheoversizebalcony.
“Wow.”Thesinglesyllableescapesonabreath.
Aseaofevergreenspeersbackatme,trackingtheirwayupthelushmountain,wrappingmeinitsetherealbeauty,remindingmewhyImovedhere.Why,ofalltheplacesmyfamilyvisitedwhenIwasgrowingup,VancouveristheoneIchosetomakemyhome.There’sanostalgiainthegreen,thefreshscentofpineandearththateachgustofwindbrings.Apeacefulcalmthatsettlesallmyracingthoughtsinthismoment,theunevenbeatofmyheart.Everythingisstillandquiet,andIfeel…athome.Withmyself.WithConnor.
WithAdam.
Somethingwarmbrushesmyback,andtwostrongarmscagemein,largehandsclaspingthestonebalconywalloneithersideofmine.
“Pretty,huh?”
“Prettydoesn’tbegintodescribeit,”Ibreatheout.
Softlipsghosttheshellofmyear.“Iwasthinkingthesamething.”
Shrieksofgigglesringbehindus,andIglancebehindmetofindConnorandBearrollingaroundontheplushrug.
Adamchuckles,awarmsoundthatrattlesdownmyspine.“Thinkmydog’sinlove.”
Yes.Thedog.Definitelythedog.Notthe…notthehuman.No.That’sabsolutely…no.
IwatchAdam’shandmove,soslowly,fingertipstrailingmyforearmbeforehispalmsplaysovermybelly.Insteadofworryingabouteverythinghemightfeel,thesoftlinesthatspeakofmyloveofSaturdaymorningsspentbakingmuffinsandmidweekbatchesofcookies,toomanyicedlattesinthesummerandfartoomanyhotchocolatesinthewinter,Isinkintothetouch.Irevelintheconnection,firmfingertipsthatseemtotinglebeneaththematerialofmysundress,likehe’stouchingbareskin.Myheartpoundsinmyears,asteadythrumthatbothliberatesandscaresme.Iswallowthetightnessinmythroat,lickatmylips,andbegforasuddenstormtodousetheheatsingeingmyskin.
“Yourheart’sgoingamileaminute,”Adammurmursinmyear.
“I…”God,that’sembarrassing.Icurlmyfingersintomypalmsuntilmynailsbitetheskin.“I’msorry.”
“I’mnot.Frankly,Rosie,Ican’ttellyouhowgooditfeelstoknowthat,foronceinmylife,I’monthesamepageassomeone.”
Ourgazescollide,asilentquestioninmine:Areweonthesamepage?Really?
I’mtoonervoustovoiceit,eventhoughhe’sjustsaidthewords.Butwhatpageisheon?Whatchapter?Howdoeshisbookend,andwhodoeshewantstandingnexttohiminhisepilogue?
Idon’thaveachoice;myfutureisthatlittleboyinthere.Andevenifthedecisionweremine?He’dbemychoice,dayinanddayout.I’llalwayschoosehim.
Howniceitwouldbeforsomeoneelsetochooseustoo.
Adamcupsmycheek,spinningmeintohim.Nervesgripmythroat,stealingmybreath,buthesimplyleansforward,pressesthegentlestkisstomyforehead,andsootheseveryworrywitheightwords.
“I’mgladyou’rehere,Rosie.Bothofyou.”
***
IhavetostartdoingyogaorsomethingifI’mgoingtokeepupwithConnor,becausehowamIraisingakidasflexibleasthefifteen-month-oldwhojustessentiallybackflippedintotheplaypeninAdam’sspareroomwhenIwasstilltryingtoexplaintohimthathisnapwouldlookdifferenttoday?Maybethebreathingtechniqueswouldalsohelpnot
“Didhegodownokay?”Adamwhispers,makingmejumpasIbacksilentlyoutoftheroom.
“Yeah,wentdownlikea…a…a…”MyeyesrolldowntoAdam’sbarechest,thepatchofdarkcurlsthatlooksosoft,Iwanttorunmyfingersthroughthem.Downtothelinesofthick,sinewymusclecarvedsoimpeccably,andholymotherforkingshit,Iwasright.Itis
aneight-pack.And,ohfuck,theswimtrunks.They’retightintheworstway—becauseIcan’tlookaway—bright,summerystripesthatwrapallthewayaround,huggingeverysingleinchofhim.
And,ladies,trustmewhenIsaythis:therearealot
ofinches.
Imean,Jesusshit.
He’sbiggerthantheunderwearguyatthebusstop;I’msureofit.Orisitthestripes?IalwaysavoidthembecauseIthinktheymakemelookbigger.Doesitworkthatwayoncockstoo?
Yes.Yes,itmust.Becausethere’snowaythathe…thathe…there’sjustnoway,right?
Thisisit.I’mlookingdestructionrightintheface.Obliteration.Totalannihilation.That’stheonlythingthatcanpossiblycomefromadickthatbig.Nowomanissurvivingadickingfromthisman,notwithoutbeingwheeledoutafterward,andpossiblyinadick-inducedcoma.
OhmyGod.ArchieandMarcowereright.I’vebeendickmatized.
“Sorry,didyousay…totalannihilation?”
MyeyessnaptoAdamrakinghisfingersthroughthosetousledcurls,afaintblushonhishighcheekbones.“Pardon?”
“YouweretalkingaboutputtingConnordownforhisnap,butyoutrailedoffandwhispered,uh…totalannihilation
.”Heswallows.“Ithinkyouwerelookingatmycrotch.”
Iforcemyjawclosed,ignoringtheviolentcrackingsounditmakes.Myeyestwitch,desperatetocoastdown,justoncemore,butI’mnotdoingit.
Okay,I’mdoingit.Fuck.Damnit.Mygazebouncesdown,thenrightbackup.Adam’seyesfollow,andhismouthcurvesasmoltenheatrushestothetipsofmyears.
Idashbyhim,headingforthestairs.“I’vegottaputmybathingsuiton.”
“Ibroughtyourbagintomyroom.Youcanchangeinthere.”
Ihalt,alreadyhalfwaydownthestairs.“Oh.”Whippingaround,Istrutbyhim,keepingmyeyesonmyfeet.“Thanks.”
“Rosie?”
Ipauseathisdoor,watchinghisfeetcomecloser,untilallIcansmell,allIcanbreathe,ishim.
“Needhelp?”
Iswallow.“No.”Maybe.
“’Kay.”Sizzlingfingertipsslideupmyarm,hitchingthestrapofmydressbackuptomyshoulder.“Hollerifyouchangeyourmind,trouble.”
Idoneedhelp.Allsortsofit.Helpcoolingmyjets,becauseIhaven’thadsexinoverayear,andlookingathim,it’ssuddenlyallIcanthinkabout.I’mflustered.Soflustered.He’ssosweetandkind,sopatient,andthenhespringstheselittlethingsonme,lingering,searingtouches,starvedgazes,hot,teasingwordsdrenchedinintensity.I’mhornyashell,clearly,whichisnewandscary,butI’mnotreadytojumpintothat,andwhatifthat’swhathe’sexpecting?
Butbeyondthat,Ineedhelpfindingtheconfidencetowalkoutofhereinthisbikini.
Idon’twanttofeelprettyforAdam.Iwanttofeelprettyforme.
Andrightnow,asIstandbeforehismirrorandtakemyselfin,I’mstruggling.
Iremindmyselfthatthisbodygavemetheloveofmylife.Thatitgrewsomethingfromnothing.Thatitenduredendlessboutsofsickness,daysspenthuggingthetoilet,achesandpainsthatmademefeellikeI’dneverwalkproperlyagain,anemergencysurgerythat—sobriefly—convincedmeIwaslessofawomanbecauseIcouldn’tpushmychildout.Asurgerythathadmeunabletostandonmyownfordays,totakemorethanacouplestepswithmynewborninmyarms.
Thisbodyisn’tperfect,butit’sstrong.Physically,mentally,ineverythingI’veworkedsohardtoovercome.
Thisbodyisn’tperfect,butforallit’sdoneandeverythingit’sgivenme,it’sbeautiful.
Itiethestringofmysheercover-upatmyhipandtakeabreathbeforeopeningthedoor,startingdownthestairs.
Thephotosliningthewallofthestaircasecatchmyeye,andIpausetotakethemin.It’sAdamineverysingleoneofthem,I’msureofit.Eventhetinyboytuckedintothesideofthesmilingcoupleissoclearlyhim,vibrantcobalteyes,themostgenuinegrinwithjustahintofmischief.
Andthecouple…they’reeverything.Fromthewaytheylookateachother,fullofdevotion,endlesslove,tothewaytheylookatAdam,likehe’stheirwholeworld.
I’msoenthralledwiththeloveflowingfromthepictures,Idon’tnoticeAdamuntilhe’satmyside,toweringovermethoughhe’sonestepbelow.He’ssmilingatthepictures,ahintoflonginginhiseyesthatmakesmealittlesad.
“Thosearemyparents.”
Ilookbackatthecouple,theirdeepbrownskinandwarmeyes,thedarkcurlsspillingdownaroundthewoman’sshoulders.
“Iwasadopted.”
Astrangefeelinggripsmyheart,theweightofthatsinglewordrefusingtosettleinmychest,questionsIwanttoaskbutcan’t,forfearofoverstepping.
FearofrevealingpartsofmeI’mnotreadyto.
SoItellhim,“Youcanseethelovebetweenyouthree.”
“Mmm.I’vealwaysbeenabletofeelittoo.”Hismouthhitchesupononesideashestaresataphotoofhimonhisdad’sshoulders.“Evenifittookmydadalittlelongertofigureitout.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Adamtakesmyhand,pullingmedownthestairs.“Iwasinagroupfosterhome.”
Thegriponmyheartinstantlyeases,asoaring,freeingfeelingasexcitementbubblestothesurfaceatthethoughtthatmaybe,afterall,we’resomuchmorealikethanI’verealized.Thathe’llunderstandallthefears,thenaggingthoughtsthateatatmeinthedarkest,quietestpartsofthenight,whenI’mallalone,wonderingifI’llalwaysbethisway.
Hopefillsmesofluidly,awarmfeelingthatnearlyspillsoutofme.Beforethewordscancome,Adamgoeson.
“MydaddidalotofvolunteerworkwiththehomeIwasin,soImethimrightaway.Ithinkfour-year-oldmewould’vegonehomewithhimthatfirstday,Iwassoenamoredwithhim.Everytimehewasin,Ifollowedhimaroundlikeapuppy.Iwantedtobejustlikehim.”Hesmiles,alittlefaroff,likehe’srememberingsomething.“Iwasinfostercarefortenmonths,andmyparentsadoptedmenotlongaftermyfifthbirthday.
Allthatbubblinghopedies,droppinglikeadeadweight,sittingonmychestinanoddlysuffocatingway.It’sapetty,dirtything,thejealousythatnipsatme,thebitternessthathespentsolittletimethere,thathefoundthisbeautifulfamilythatchosehim,thatdecidedtheywantedtolovehimfortherestoftheirlivesandhis.
AllIwanttofeelforhiminthismomentishappinessthathefoundthat.Instead,I’movercomewithguiltandastingingpileofself-hatred,becausebeyondthegenuinehappinessliestheweightofwishingtherewassomebodyoutthere,anybody
,whomightunderstandwhatit’sliketosittheredayafterday,onyourbestbehavior,hoping,dreamingthatsomeonemightchooseyou.Mightspendfiveminutestalkingtoyouandgo,Hey,IthinkIwanttotakeachanceonher.IthinkIwanttokeepher.
IthinkIwanttoloveher.
IburythenastythoughtsasdeepasIcan,choosingtoembracethegoodonesasIsqueezehishand.“I’mhappyyoufoundyourforeverfamily,Adam.”
“Areyourparentsinthecity?”heaskscasuallyasheleadsmethroughhishouse,towardhisbackyard.
“It’sjustmeandConnor.IcameouthereonmyownafterIgraduatedfromhighschool.”
“Doesitevergetlonely?”
Always.
Iforceasmile.“Ikeepbusy.”
“Right,but…”Hisfingerscirclemyarm,stoppingme.“That’snotwhatIasked.”
Hiseyesrakemyface,searchingforanswers.ButI’mstillsearchingforthemmyself.
“Howaboutthis,Rosie.”Hebracketsmyjawinhishand,thepadofhisthumbtrappingmylowerlip.“Howbusydoyouwantmetokeepyou?BecausesometimesIfeellonely,butwhenI’mwithyou,Ifeelfull.”
Thatfullnessheswearshefeelsseepsintomyskin,fillingalltheemptyspaceslikesandbetweenpebbles.“I’dlikeyoutokeepmeverybusy.”
Happinessdetonateshisface.“Icandothat.”
Adam’sbackyardisasimmaculateashishouse,exquisiteandsprawling.SituatedbelowMountFromme,it’saplushgreenoasisworthyofamagazinespread.
“Ofcourseyouhaveawaterfallfeature,”ImumbleasAdamdipsintothepool,longarmsmakingcirclesashepusheshimselfbackward,waiting,watching,grinning
MyheartbeatthreatenstopoundoutofmychestasIdipmytoes.Thewateriswarm,butthechillthattremblesdownmyspineisn’t.
Iswimwheretherearelifeguards.Wherethewaterreachesmyhipsandmyfeettouchthebottom.WhereArchieandMarcoarearm’slengthaway,incasepanicsetsin.
MyeyesflutterclosedasIchantthemantramytherapisttaughtme.
Mypastisnotmyfuture.I’mallowedtobescared,andI’mallowedtochoosetomoveslowly,solongasImove.
Imove,downonestep,warmwaterlappingatmyanklesastheairinmychestrattlesmyribcage.
“Rosie?”Adammurmurs,andmylidsflipopen.“Yougonnatakeyourcover-upoff?”
“What?”Ilookdownatmyself,stillcovered.“Oh.Yeah.Duh.”Ifindoneoftheloungersbelowthegazebo,andwithmybacktoAdam,Islowlypeeloffmycover-upanddropit.MyfingerstrembleatmybellyasIremindmyselfI’mbeautifulandstrong,thatifAdamcan’tseeit,it’shisloss.
Idroptothefirststepandstop,curlingmyfingersintomypalmsthreetimes,squeezingmyeyesshutasIcounteachone.Ihearthelappingofwater,thesteadydripdripdrip
asAdamclimbsthesteps,feelthewarmthofhishandsastheycirclemywaist,fingertipsdiggingin.
“Rosie?”hewhispers,soclose,Ithinkhislipsmaybenearlytouchingmine.Iwanttolook,butIcan’t.
“Yeah?”
“Openyoureyes.”
“DoIhaveto?”
“I’dlikeyouto,butIwon’tforceyoutodoanythingyoudon’twantto.”
Icrackone,justasmidge.Hecracksasmile,lopsidedandsweet.
“Whatisityou’reafraidofrightnow,me,orswimming?’
“WhatifIsaidboth?”
“Well,I’dtellyouthatyouhavenothingtobeafraidofwhenitcomestome.I’llbegentle,andI’mnotgoingtohurtyou.”Hesweepshisthumboverthedimpleinmychin,coaxingmygazeopen.Cobalteyeslifttomine.“IwishIcouldtellyouthatyouhavenothingtobeafraidofwhenitcomestoswimming,too,butIdon’tknowyourreasons,andIwon’tunderminethem.Iwantyoutoknow,though,thatyou’resafewithme.Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.”
“Youpromise?”
“Swearit.”
Itakeonestep,thenanother,droppingfiveincheslower,thenten,andmyfingernailsbiteintohisshoulders.Stronghandssqueezemywaisttighter,guidingmeintohim.Whenhesinkstothebottom,waterkissinghischest,hepullsmylimbsaroundhim,lettingmeclingtohim.
“’Attagirl,”hemurmursagainstmytemple.“Youokay?”
Inodintohisneck.“Don’tletgo,please.”
“Wouldn’tdreamofit.”
“IalmostdrownedwhenIwaseleven,”Iblurt.“Afirefightersavedme.Itwasa…asillyaccident.Inmyownpool.”
“Fuck,Rosie.I’msorry.”Hishandsstillonmybody.Hestartswadingtowardthestairs.“Iwould’veneveraskedyouto—”
“No,please.It’sokay.”Idragmyfacefromthesafespotinhisneck.“It’ssomethingI’vebeenworkingonforyears,gettingbackinthewater,andit’sbeenaprioritysinceConnorwasborn.Iknowwhymyfearsexist,butIdon’twantthemtocontrolmeforever.Morethanthat,Idon’twantthemtoimpactConnor’slife.Helovesthewater,andIwanthimtofeelconfidentandsafeinit.We’relearningtogether.”
Adam’sgazeissteadyonmine,acomfortingweightthattellsmehe’slistening,takingitin.“Thankyouforlettingmebeapartofyourjourney.”Hedipshismouthtomyshoulder,pressingakisstherethatsendsallthebloodtomyhead,makingmedizzy.“Iwon’tpushyoutodoanythingyouaren’treadyfor.YoutellmewhereyourboundariesareandI’llrespectthem.”
“It’seasier,”Imumbleagainsthisneck.“Withyou,itfeelseasier.”
“Ifeelthesamewithyou.”
Ilookathim,theshadowofstubblelininghisruggedjawline,thesharplineofhischeekbones,thewayhiscurlshangineffortlessperfectionabovehiseyes.“What’seasierforyou?”
“Beingme,”hewhispers.“Justme.”
Itakehisfaceinmyhandsandswalloweveryworry.“Ilikeyou,Adam.Justyou,thewayyouare.”
Hissmileislikethebrightestbeamofsunshine,heatingthecoldest,darkestpartsofme.Hedropshisnosetomine,hislipssocloseIcantastethemintonhisbreath.“Ilikeyou,too,Rosie.Justyou.”CHAPTER12
FUCKINGHYPNOTIZING
ADAM
Perfectionexists,
andit’srighthereinmyarms.
It’ssoftgreeneyesthatlightsoeasily,givingwaytoeveryemotionthatpassesthroughher.It’saheart-shapedmouth,rosylipsthatgivewaytoasmilethatknockstheairfrommylungs.Thatsun-kissednoseandthewayitcrinkleseverytimeshelaughs.
Thewayshefeelsinmyarmsinthisverymoment,warmskinthatmeltsintomine,thedipinherwaistwhereIgripher,theroundnessofherintoxicatinghips,beggingmetodragmyhandslower,toexploreeveryinchofher.
IcouldfloatthroughtherestofmylifecontentinknowingI’veheldperfectioninthesearms.
Rosielayshercheekonmyshoulderwithasoftsigh,tuckingherfaceintomyneck,likeI’mhersafespace.Ithinkshemightbemine.
“Youfeelreallynice,”perfectlipsmurmuragainstmyskin.“Solid.Steady.”Anothersigh.“Safe.”
“I’llbeanythingyouwantmetobe.”
“Justyou,Adam.You’reenoughexactlyasyouare.”
Herwordstugataninvisiblestring,pullingeverythinginmychesttighter.Iwanttobeenoughforher,butI’vespentthelastyearandahalfnotfeelingenoughforanyone.Butwithher,righthere,rightnow?There’snohockey,nosuperstargoalie,nomillionaireathlete.
There’sjustme,andshesaysI’menoughforher.
MymindraceswiththoughtsofalifeI’vealwaysdreamedof.Myfamilyinthestands,andmemakingthemproud.QuietSaturdaynights,take-outcontainers,wrappedupineachother.SlowSundaymornings,pancakebreakfasts,andcartoonsonTV.
Suddenly,itfeelslikeI’mfinallybeinggiftedit.
ButIknowthislifecan’ttrulybemineuntilIgiveRosieallofme,andrightnow,I’mstrugglingtofindthewordsthatgiveherthosepieces.
SoIswallowthemdown,burythemabitdeeper,andhopewhenshesaysI’menoughforher,shemeansit.
“Howyoudoing?”Imurmuragainstherhair,honeyandrosegoldtressesweavedintoabraid.
“Good.Ithink.”Hergazeliftstomine,uncertain.“AmIdoingokay?”
Ichuckle.“You’redoinggreat.Letmeknowifit’stoomuch.”
“It’s…not.Ithoughtitmightbe,butitfeelsokay.ThoughitmighthavesomethingtodowiththegiantmanI’veattachedmyselftolikeakoala.”
“I’mhonoredtobeyourtreebranch.”Questionsaboutherpastcrawlupmythroat,searchingforanswersshedoesn’toweme.Instead,ItellherI’mproudofher.
“Whatfor?”
“It’shardenoughtoconquerourfears,andthere’sacertainpressurewhenyou’renotjustdoingitforyourself.It’sadmirablethatyou’refacingyourdeepestfearforbothyourselfandforyourson.”
Herlowerlipslidesbetweenherteethasshethinks.“Ithinkmydeepestfearisjust…losingitall.Connor.He’smywholelife.So,swimmingafternearlydrowning?Hardasitis,itfeelslikenothingmorethanwakinguponarainymorningincomparisontoeventhebriefestthoughtoflifewithouteachother.”
“Doyouthinkaboutthatoften?Lifewithouteachother?”
“MostlyIthinkabouthavingtosaygood-bye,howimpossiblethatwouldbe,buthavingtodoitanyway.HowharditwouldbeknowingitwasthelasttimeI’dseehisface,prayingthattheworldwouldbekindtohimwithoutmetoprotecthim.”
Atightnesssqueezesinmychestbeforeitrollsupmythroat.“That’s…”
“Sad,”shefinisheswithananxiouschuckle,shiftinglikeshewantstopullaway,hesitatingbecauseshecan’t.“Iknow.It’sembarrassing.Mostpeopledon’thavesuchmorbidthoughts.”
Icatchoneofherhandsinmine,pressingakisstotheinsideofherpalmbeforewadingtothestairswithherinmyarms.
“Yourthoughtsarepainful,yes,butnotmorbid.Ican’tputmyselfinyourshoes,butI’dstandinthemifitmeantonelessminutewhereyoufeltthatpainalone.”
“SometimesIthinkthat’swhatIdo,”shemurmursasIsetherdownonaloungerintheshade,watchingasshecoversherselfinthetowelIhandher.“Putmyselfinmyparents’shoes.”
Isitbesideher,rubbingmyhairwithmytowel.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“SometimesIwonderwhatitfeltlikeformyparents.”Shetakesadeepbreath,licksherlipsashereyesroammyface,searchingforthecouragetogoon.“Whentheyknewitwasgood-bye.”
Thicksilencesettlesbetweenusasherwordssettle.Mymindraces,rememberingthelookonherfacethefirsttimeIcalledhertrouble,thelongingassheexplainedherdad’snicknameforher.ThewayshefellapartinmyarmswhenIgaveherthatbouquetofpeonies,whenshetoldmeaboutallthewonderfulmemoriesthatcamewiththesightofthem,explainedthatshecouldn’tmakemore.
Becauseherparentsaren’thereanymore.
“Youhadtosaygood-bye.”
“That’sthething.Ididn’tgetto,becauseIdidn’tknow.Butmydad…heknew,Ithink.”Astormbrewsinhereyes,angrycloudswithnowheretogo.“SomedaysIremembereverything,everysinglemoment.Somedaysit’sall…blurry.Distorted.Butthere’soneimage…it’slikeit’sburned
inmybrain.”Thestorminhergazedissipates,leavingbehindanexhaustionIcanfeelinmybones,asortof…resignation.“Thewaymydadtuckedmyhairbehindmyearwhenhesaidhe’dbeback.Thedevastationinhiseyeswhenhelookedatmeonelasttime,overhisshoulder,andtoldmehelovedme.”
IwishIhadthewordstomakethisbetter,somethingtotakeawaythegriefandreplaceitwithaneverlastinghappiness.ButIdon’t,andthoughIhaven’treallylostanyone—notthewayshehas,atleast—Iknowthat’snothowgriefworks.
Soinstead,Iwindanarmaroundherwaist,bringingherbodyintothegrooveofmine,whereIcankeephersafe,andIpressakisstohertemple.
Sheswipesatasingletearthemomentitescapes.“Idon’treallytalkaboutitoften.It’snotthatIcan’t,butthatI’mconstantlytryingtomoveforward,youknow?Ilostmyfamily,butI’mbuildinganewonewithConnor.We’remakingthememoriesIcan’tmakewithmyparentsanymore.”
“Tellmeaboutthem.Thememories.You’vetoldmeaboutthenickname,thatyourdadcalledyoutroubletoo.Whataboutthepeonies?”
Shelooksupatme,herdimpledchinonmychest,brighteyesandanevenbrightersmile.“Momalwayswantedthishuge,colorfulgarden,liketheoneshehadatherhousegrowingup.WewenttothisbeautifulgardenstoreattheendofSeptemberwhenIwaseight.”Hergrinwidens,bloomingasthememorycoaststhroughhermind.“Iwasenthralled.Wewerethereforever,justwalkingaround,takingitallin.Momwantedsomethingthatwouldcomebackeachspring.Shesaidtherewassomethingaboutsomethingasdelicateasaflowerthatwouldbloomalloveragainaftertheharshestwinter.Ifoundthislusciouspeonybush.Theyweresopretty,thepinkflowers.Notoverwhelminglybright,butthissoft,beautifulrosehuethatjustcaptivatedme.”
Shetouchesthewarmpinkendsofherhair.“That’swhythepink.Itremindsmeofmymom,butmymomalwayssaidthecolorremindedherofme.ThatIwaslikethefreshestbloomeachspring,captivating.”Thecolordottinghercheeksrunsrampant,rightuptothetipsofherearsasshedropshergaze.“IguessIwantedtofeelthatwayagain,likeIwas…captivating.Forsomeone,atleast.”
Captivating?Butshe’ssomuchmorethanthat.She’s…fascinating.Dazzling.Fuckinghypnotizing.
Doesn’tsheknowthat?
Shedoesn’tknocktheairfrommylungswhenshewalksintoaroom;shebreathesthelifebackintome.Ifshe’stheflowerbloomingaftertheharshestwinter,I’mthespring.I’meverythingnewandfresh,fulloflifeandcolorandsunshineandhope,afteritwasallstolenfrommethewaythefirstbitterfrostofwinterstealsthebeautyofautumn.
Rosiegivesthatalltome,andshehasthenervetositherebesidemeandthinkshe’sanythinglessthanenchanting?
Thatjustwon’twork.
“Soyougotthepinkones?”Iask,trailingmyfingeralongthecurveofherthigh,watchingasshemirrorsthemovementonmyown,tracingtheblacklinesofmytattoopeekingoutofmyswimtrunks.
“Andthepurpleones.Theblueonestoo.”Shegiggles.“Thenthenextfall,wegottheorangeones,andyellowthenext.Weplantedanewbusheachfall,andIwaitedbythewindoweachspringtowatchthembloom.Ourfrontyardwasarainbow.Everybodystoppedtolookatitwhentheywalkedby.”
“Likeyou,then.”
Shelooksupatme,anoticeableswallowinherthroatasshecatchestheintensitybehindmygaze.“Likeme?”
“Theburstofcolorandlifeeveryonestopstolookat.”
Hernosescrunches,arubyflushpaintingherfreckledcheekbonesatmywords.Shekeepshereyestrainedonherhandasitmovesovermythigh,toyingwiththehemofmyshorts.Herlipspursetotheside,andshepeeksupatmefrombeneaththick,sandyblondelashes.“CanI?”
“Mhmm.”
Somethingtightandthicksettlesinmythroatatthegentlesweepofherfingers,somethinghotlowinmybellyasshedragsmyshortsup,exposinginchafterinchofinkedskincoveringmythigh.Thetipofherfingernailbrushesoverthemaneofthelionpaintedthereinblack,theweatheredlinesofhisface,thewisdominhiseyes,likehe’sseenitall.
“Pretty,”Rosiemurmurs,aslow,heatedswipeofherhandthathasmusclesjumpingthatshouldn’tbe.“Whyalion?”
“Asymbol,Iguess.”
“Of?”
OfeverythingCourtneytriedtotakefromme,ormaybesucceededintakingfromme.OfeverypieceofmeInearlylosewitheachhopefuldatebeforeitinevitablyturnsmeaningless.
“Ofstrength,”iswhatcomesoutofmymouth.“Wisdomfromlessonslearned.Aremindertodobetter.ThatI’minchargeofmydestiny,notanyoneelse.”
“Iwanttobeinchargeofmydestiny,”Rosiemurmurs.“Itfeelslike,nomatterhowmuchcontrolItrytoexercise,Ican’tcontrolmyfuture.”
“Yourfutureandyourdestinyaren’tthesamething.Yourfutureisanythingthat’sgoingtohappen,thethingswecan’tpick.Butyourdestiny…it’severythingthat’smeantforyou.Thethingsweworkhardforeveryday,becausewewant
them.Maybepartofyourdestinyisafuturewhereyouaren’tafraidtowadethroughthedeeperpartsofthecreekinthemountain,toswimwithyoursonwithoutfear,tobeabletosaygood-byetohimeverymorningwithoutthatfearthatitmightbepermanent.Butthosethingsdon’tcomeeasily,dothey?”
Thewayshelooksupatme,atinycreasebetweenherbrowsasshehangsoneveryword,mullsitoverinherhead,it’saheady,addictivefeeling,likeshe’snotanywhereelsebutrightherewithme.
“It’ssomethingyouwant,andyou’reputtingtheworkintogetthere,becauseyouknowit’syourdestiny,alifeyou’reboundtoliveforhoweverlongyou’regoingtoliveit,andyouwon’tacceptanythingless.Yourfutureisalifewithyourson.Yourdestinyisalifewithhimwhereyourstrengthandcouragemakeitthebestlifepossible.”
Abeatofsilencestretchesbetweenusasshewatchesherhandmoveovermythigh,hertouchfirmer,slower,morepurposefulasittravelsinadangerousdirection.Ashudderofbreathescapesher,andshegazesupatmewithwonder.“Iwantthat.”
“Thentakeit,”Itellher,capturingherwrist.Ifherhandkeepsmovingthewayitis,somethinginsidemeisboundtosnap,andI’msupposedtobeincontrol.
There’saheatthatcomesoverher,likeitlightsherfromtheinsideout,butitdoesn’ttouchthefurthestcornersofher.Nottheedgesofhergaze,taintedwithfrost,afaintuncertaintythatlingers,likeshe’sdesperatetoshakeit.I’mnotsurewhatitis,untilIshiftcloser,tuggingatthetowelstillcoveringherhaphazardly.
Sheletstheplushmaterialfall,slenderfingersflutteringovertheadorabledaisiesonherhigh-waistedbikinibottoms,handscomingtorestoverherbelly.Hergazebouncestomythigh,thewaythemusclesflexasIshiftcloserstill,thentomyarms,mychest,anddownfarther,settlingonmystomach.Sheswallows,fingersspreadingwider,coveringmoreofherself,andsomethinginsidemedies.
“DoesitbotheryouthatIdon’tlooklikeyou?”
Whatbothersmeisthehiddenmeaningbehindherwords,soIstartwithhumortotrytoeasehertension.“Thatyou’reshort?It’salittleinconvenient,sure.Myneck’sgonnahurtoncewegettoallthatkissing.”
Sherollshereyesandswatsmyshoulder.“I’mnotshort!You’rejustmassive!”
“Right,sorry.Average
.”Icatchherflailinghand,linkingourfingers,givingherareassuringsqueeze.“What’sonyourmind,Rosie?Let’stalkitout.”
Heatcreepsuphernecklikeavine,butsheholdsmygaze.“Ithinkyou’rereallyhandsome,andsometimes—especiallywhenI’minabikini—Istrugglebeingcomfortableinmybody.Idon’thaveasingleab,andyou’vesomehowgoteightofthem.Plus,this…”Shedipsherfingertipintothedipofmusclesinmystomach,tracingthelineofmylefthip,themusclethatdisappearsbeneathmyshorts,andshesighs.“ThisridiculousV
.Whoinventedthis?Doyouknowwhatthisdoestoawoman?”Shesmiles.Soft.Honest.Vulnerable.“Iguess,nexttoyou,I’mfeelingabitaverage.”
“IfIhearthatwordcomeoutofyourmouthonemoretime,Iwon’tbeheldresponsibleformyactions.”
Mossyeyesblinkupatme,wideandfullofsurprise.Sheopenshermouthlikeshemightargueit,saythatfuckingwordonemoretime.Beforeshecan,Igripherhips,jerkherforward,untilshe’sflatonherback,andI’mlivingoutavisionI’vebeendreamingofsinceImether—her,beneathme,lipsparted,chestheaving,heatstainingeveryexposedinchofskin.
“Theonlythingaverageaboutyou,Rosie,isyourheight.”Thewordsarethickwithgravel,atoo-generousheapingofpent-uplustforawomanwho’sbeenoccupyingmybrainforthelastfewweeks.Mykneesbracketherin,onehanddoingaslowglideupherlusciousside,overimmaculatelyflushedskin,sunshineanddaisies,moreskin,andso,so
muchwarmth.“Andallthethingsyouseeasimperfectionsarewheresomebodyelse,likeme,findsbeauty.”Mythumbrunsovertheindentinherchin,theteensiestpieceofperfectionI’veeverseen.“Likethisdimple.It’ssoperfect,I’vefoundmyselfwantingtokissitatleastfivetimestoday.Andthesehips…”Myhandsshakeasmyfingersraindownonhersides,grazingherwaist,skimmingtheedgeofherbathingsuitbottomswheretheywraparoundthewideflairofherfullhips.Everytouchisahungerbarelyrestrained,astarvationIhaven’tfeltbefore.“Jesus,Iwannagrabthem.Burnmyfingertipsrightintothem.Somuch,it’spainfultostopmyselffromdoingso.”
Thesecondherhandscomeup,afrantictouchthatscrapesthroughthehairliningmyjaw,thatrestraintsnaps,athreadthatwasbarelyhangingon.Idropmyhipstohers,andpressureexplodeslowinmystomachasshepressesintome,aguttural,inhumansoundrumblinginmychestwhenshemoans,likeshe’sasstarvedasIam.Smoothlegscomearoundmywaist,andmyhandsgrabontotheironlylifeline,fingertipsdippingbelowherbottoms,sinkingintoherplushassasIholdhertighttome,likeI’mafraidshemightgetaway.
Iwon’tlether.
“Andthesefuckinglegs,”Ibreatheout,runningmyhandsoverthem,aroughslidethathasmepressingcloserasRosiethrowsherheadback,exposingherlongneck.Mylipsfalltotheflushedskinthere,tastingher,andfuck
,it’snotfuckingenough.Mymouthslidesupthecolumnsofherthroat,nippingatherchin,untilIfinallygettokissthatdimplerightthere.“Notsurewhereyougetoffthinkingtheydon’tgostraighttoheaven.Isureashelldon’tseeanythingbutheavenwhenIlookatyou.”
“Adam,”shewhimpers,writhingbelowme,fingersplowingthroughmyhair.
“Notfuckingaverageatall.”Idragmynosealonghercheekbone,settlingmymouthabovehers.“Ineverwannahearthatwordagain.Gotit?”
Shenods,afranticjerkofherhead,wideeyesreadytogiveupanysemblanceofcontrol.“Gotit.”
“Goodgirl.”
Irunmyhandupherthroat,fingersitchingtolockitinplace,keepherrightthere.Instead,Igripherjaw,givingheraslightlylessdemandingversionofme,gentle.AsgentleasIcanberightnowwithherbelowme,runningthattongueacrossherpinklips,gettingready.
“Gottatellya,trouble,thisisn’texactlywhatIhadplannedtoearnthatfirstkiss.”Itrapherlowerlipbeneathmythumb,mygazetrackingitsdragacrossamouthIcan’twaittoclaim.“I’mgonnastealitanyway.”
Ourgazescollide,andthroughallthemanichunger,somethinginsidemesoftensatthehopeswimminginhereyes,thetrust.
Herlipspart,Idipmyhead,andatinyvoicecallsoutthroughthevideomonitorsittingfivefeettomyright.
“Mamaaa
!”CHAPTER13
2-FOR-1SPECIAL
ADAM
Ican’tremember
atimeanyonehaslookedatmethewayRosiedoes.
Courtneydid,onceuponatime,butit’salmostimpossibletolookbackonourearlyyearstogetherandimaginethatitwaseverreal,evenbackwhenwewereseventeenandshelookedatmelikeIhungthestars.
ButwithRosie…I’mnotthestars,lightingbitsofhersky.I’mtherisingsunontheclearestday,touchingeveryinchofherworld,lightingthebleakest,darkestpartswhereshehasn’tseenlightinfartoolong.ShelooksatmelikeI’meverythinggoodandbright.Shelooksatmelikeshe’s…grateful.Gratefultobeherewithme.Gratefulforthepatience,fortheunderstanding,foreverykindnessandeverysmile.
It’snearlypainfulhowheavytheweightofherstareis.
BecauseIknow,evenonourbestdays,thewayCourtneyusedtolookatmecouldnevercompare,anditmakesmefeelalittle…empty.Itfeelslikewastedyearsanddasheddreams.Likebitterwintersthatoutstayedtheirwelcome,aspringthattookfartoolongtocome.
It’spainfulbecauseforeverythingRosie’sgivenme,nomatterhowsmallorhowhesitantly,Ihaven’tdoneherthesame.Shegetsthepiecesthatcomeeasily,theonesthatdon’thurt,andIkeepalltheothersinmyfist,graspingthemtightagainstmychest,afraidofwhatshe’lldowiththem.
Andthat’sthething.WhenImetCourtney,IhadeverythingIdreamedof.Anincrediblefamilywholovedmeendlessly,apromisingcareerasagoalieintheNHLonthehorizon.Iwashappyandcarefree.Courtneyhadmybrightspots,andtheyweren’tenough.Iletherstealeverythinggoodandbrightandhappy,onetinyhandfulatatime.Myconfidence,mytrust,myfaithinhappyendings.
Idon’tthinkit’swrongtomakesomeoneyourwholeworld,butIknowtheonetimeI’vedoneit,itwasmygreatestmistake.
IknownowthatCourtneywasn’ttheworldmeantforme,butthatdoesn’tmakeiteasiertoconsiderstartinganewonewithsomeoneelse,someonewhohasthepowertobreakyoualloveragain.Iwanttojumpinheadfirst.Fuck,ItellmyselfI’malreadydoingit,thatI’veneverfallensofast,starteddreamingofafuturewithsomeoneIbarelyknow.Buttherealityislikeropetiedaroundmyankles,lettingmeshuffledowntheroadIwanttogo,buteachsmallstepburnsintomyskin,urgingmetoslowdown,tojust…wait.Justincase.
Isurvivedthefirsttime,butwillIsurviveasecond?
ThelookinRosie’seyesasshewatchesmesplasharoundthepoolwithhersoninmyarmstellsmethere’snothingtosurvive.Thatshewon’tbetheonetobreakme.Thefissuresinmychestwhisper…butwhatif?
Connorwigglesinmygrasp,reachingtowardthesteps.Iknowexactlywherethisisgoing;we’vebeendoingitforthelastfortyminutes.Iswimustotheedgeandhescramblesupthesteps.Heroundsthepatioonquickfeet,stoppingtotakeBear’sfaceinhislittlehands.“Hi,bigdog,”hesaysbeforepressingakisstohisforehead.“Mama,”Connorcoos,pattingherknee.“Mama!”
“I’mwatching,baby.AreyougoingtojumptoAdam?”
“Dada!”
IstiflealaughatthehorrorpaintingRosie’sface,eventhoughConnor’scalledmethisaboutfivehundredtimestoday.
“I’msosorry,”shewhispers.“Googlesaysit’saphase.”
Ionlywink,thenreachtowardConnorashecrouchesdown.“Readytojump,littletrouble?”
“Tubble,”herepeatswithatoothygrin.Tinyhandsreachtowardme,andwhenhelauncheshimselfoffthepatioandintomyarms,heshrieks,“Daaa-daaa
!”
Itwirlhimintheairbeforedunkinghisbottomhalfwhilehesquealswithdelight.Heclingstomychest,littlelegswrappingaroundmeashegigglesagainstmyneck,andRosiecan’ttakehereyesoffus.
“ShouldwesplashMama?”IwadeclosertoRosie,hidingmysmile.“Whatdoyouthink,buddy?DoesMamaneedtogetalittlewet?”
Shepointsafingeratme.“Don’tyoudare.I’vebeenwet,nowI’mdry.”Shecurlsherdaisy-paintedtoesintoBear’sfur.“BearandIlikeitthisway.”
“Mmm.Mamadoesn’tlikebeingwet.”ThefuriousheatpoolinginRosie’scheekssaysshedoesn’tmisstheinnuendo,butwedon’thavetimetodwellonitasIhelpConnorupthestepsagain.“GogiveMamaabig
hug.Squeezeallyourloveintoher.”
Tinyfeettearacrossthepatio,grabbyhandsreachingforhismom.Sheshriekswithlaughterashehurlshiswetbodyintoherlap,andIthinktheymightbemyfavoritepeopleintheworld.
Waterdropletscascadedownmybody,splatteringontheconcreteasIwalktowardthem.Igrabatowel,watchingRosie’seyesmoveovermeonaslow,heatedsweep,tonguerunningaimlesslyacrossherbottomlipasIshakeoutmyhair,herthroatbobbingasIrubthetowelacrossmystomach.
“I’mgonnastartthebarbecueandgetdinnergoing.”
Rosiedoesn’tblink,gazeroamingdown,thenup.
Inudgeherchinwithtwoknuckles,guidinghereyestomine.“’Kay,prettygirl?”
“Hot,”shemurmurs,thenblinksrapidly,shakingherhead.“Barbecue,Imean.It’s…hot.It’llbehot.Whenyou…startit.”Shenods.“Yes.”
Idropmysmiletoherforehead,winkatConnor,andheadinside.Myphone’sbuzzingonmykitchencounter,myfavoritegroupofPuckSlutscheckingin.
Carter
didthecarseatworkok?
Garrett
Whatcarseat?
Carter
imtalking2adam,notu.
Garrett
Fine,I’llgobacktowhatIwasdoingbefore.Yoursister.
Carter
umotherfucker
Emmett
Believethecorrecttermissisterfucker,bud.
Jaxon
*cryinglaughingemoji*Sisterfucker.Getit?Cuzhe’sfuckingursister.
Carter
Ifuckinghateuall.i’monlytalkingtoadamfromnowon.
didthecarseatworkforurgirlfriend???
Garrett
…HowoldisRosie?
Emmett
Waitwaitwait…*monocleemoji*
Carter
it’snotforrosie,uturds.
Garrett
Ithoughtyouweren’ttalkingtous.
Jaxon
*thinkingemoji*
Carter
…
Jaxon
*surprisedemoji*No.Nononono.
Carter
yes.
Jaxon
*meltingemoji*Adam,buddy.Tellmeshedoesn’thaveakid.
Garrett
Jennieawww’dsolongIstoppedcounting.
Emmett
Carasays‘StepdaddyAdam???Manjustwentfroma10/10toasolid20.’
Jaxon
ADAM.Tellmeitisn’tso.
Me
HisnameisConnor,he’sfifteenmonthsold,andhe’scuteasfuck.
Jaxon
NOOOOO.DaddyAdam?!RIP.
Emmett
Ayooo!That’sawesome,bud.Happyforyou.
Carter
keephimawayfrommybabycuznoboystilshe’s40.
orever.
nogirlseither.
I’mnotgoingtoattempttotouchonthefactthatonedayIrelandwillgrowupandbeherownpersonandnoteverlistentoherdadagain,becauseit’sauselessconversation.Carter’sgo-towhenanyonetriestoreasonwithhiminvolvesslappinghishandsoverhisearsandsingingI’mnotlistening,I’mnotlistening
Infact,Irelandmaygrowupbeforehedoes.
Myphonerings,andIhalfexpectittobeJaxon.Commitmentscareshim,andthethoughtofatoddlerprobablyhashimspiraling.Ifanyone’sgoingtotrytotalkmeoutofthisrelationship,it’llbehim.
Butmymom’sfacesmilesupatmefrommyscreen,andIanswerthevideorequestasIshuffleoutofearshotofthepatiodoor,tothelivingroomwindow,whereIcanseeRosie,Connor,andBearplayinginthegrasswiththesprinkler.
“Hey,Mom.”
“CaretotellmewhyGarretttoldmeyouhaveagirlfriendbeforeyoudid?”
“Idon’t—what—whenwereyou—”Iscrubmyeyesandsigh.“Thatlittleshit.”
“Don’tblamemyangel.”Garrettisdefinitelyherfavoriteofmyfriends,whichiswhyshesendshimamonthlyboxofspecialtysnacksfromtheStatesthatyoucan’tgethereinCanada.“HecalledtothankmeforhissnacksandaskedifIwasexcitedtomeetRosie.Isaid,‘Rosiewho?’andhesaid,‘Oh,shit.’ThenJenniestartedcacklinginthebackgroundandchanting,‘Youfuckedup,youfuckedup.’”
“She’snotmygirlfriend,”Imumble.“Ihaven’tevenkissedheryet.”
“Well,that’sunderstandable.”
“Itis?”
“Yeah,ofcourse.”
There’sasnickerinthebackground,andthenmydad’samusedfacepopsoverMom’sshoulder.“Ifsomeonepubliclyratedmykissingathreeoutoffive,I’dbehesitanttokissanyoneeveragaintoo.”
Theyhowlwithlaughter,andthefuckersevenhigh-five.“Nailedit,Deac!”
IsmileasConnorboundsafterBear,andRosieafterConnor,thethreeofthemsoakedtotheboneastheyleapthroughthesprayingwater.
“OhmyGod,”Mommurmurs.“He’sinlove.”
“Iamnot.”Imightbe.
Wellontheway,attheleast.“Look,Igottago.She’shererightnow,andI’msupposedtobestartingthebarb—”
“She’sthere?Rightnow?Introduceus!”
“Absolutelynot.”
Herdarkbrowspullwaydown.“Deacon,makeyoursonintroduceus.”
DadripsopenaFruitRoll-Up,andnowIwantone,soIgrabonetoo.“Adam,listentoyourmothersoIdon’thaveto,blahblahblah,happywife,happylife.”
Istiflealaughatthelookshegiveshim,andwhenConnorsquealswithlaughter,mymom’sjawdangles,andIpause,myrainbowtreathanginginfrontofmyopenmouth.
“Isthata…ababy?”
IstuffmyFruitRoll-Upinmymouth.“Toddler,technically.Connorisfifteenmonthsold.”
Sheturnstolookatmydad,sniffling.“Deacon,we’regonnabegrandparents.”
“Forfuck’ssake.”Iknewthiswouldhappen.“IjusttoldyouIhaven’tevenkissedher!”
“Well,whatareyouwaitingfor?Andmakeitgood,soshewantstokeepyou!Noneofthathalf-assed,threeoutoffivebullshit!”Shesnickersatthelookofpureexhaustiononmyface.“Canyoutellusalittlebitabouther?Justquick.Thenwe’llhangupandleaveyoualone.Promise.”
Turningawayfromthewindowwithasigh,Ipacethelivingroom,staringatmyfeet,rubbingmyneck.“She’s…she’sreallybeautiful.Notjustontheoutsidebuttheinsidetoo.She’sinvetschool,andsheworksatoneoftheanimalsheltershere.She’sgotsuchakindheart,andshe’sthebestmom.”Ishrug.“Shemakesmefeellikethingsaren’tsoheavy.”
Momwatchesmewithaquiet,wobblysmile,andDadgivesmetwothumbsupbehindher,anotherFruitRoll-Upinhismouth.Iregisterthesoftdrip,drip,drip
ofwateronlyamomentbeforeatinyvoicewhispers,“Dada,”frombehindme
Ispinaround,eyeslockingwithRosie’swideonesfromwhereshestandshalfwayinsidemypatiodoor,Connorbundledinatowelinherarms,Bearpantingatherside.
“Okay,Mom,Ihavetogo,”Isortascream.
“Didhejustcallyouda—”
“Bye
!”Ittakesmeseventeenthousandtriestohithangup.Ishoveonehandthroughmyhairandgestureovermyshoulder,forgettingaboutmyphoneinmyhand.Itsoarsthroughtheairandlandswithaclattersomewherebehindme.“Thatwasmy—myfriendwasjust—Iwasn’ttalkingabout—thatwas…”Ichoosetostop—itseemslikethesafestbet—andsettleforanxiouschucklinginstead.
“Wasthatyourmom?”
“Who,that?”Iwaveahandthroughtheair.“No.”
“Yousaid,‘Okay,Mom,Ihavetogo.’”
“Hmmm.Yeah,Iseehowthatcouldbeconstrued.Definitely.”
ThecornerofRosie’smouthhitches.“Okay,well,we’llgogetchanged.”
“Great.Awesome.Yeah,andI’llgostartthebarbecue.”
Shepausesatmyside,smellinglikecoconutandlime,sunshine,hope,andeverythinggoodandright.“Youmakemefeellikethingsaren’tquitesoheavy,too,Adam.Justincaseyouwerewondering.”
***
“Howthehelldidyougetmashedpotatoesinyoureyebrow,bud,”Imutter,scrubbingConnor’sfacewithawarmwashcloth.Heturnsaway,sendingasprayofwateruparounduswhenhesplashesinthetub.“JesusChrist,it’sinyourear.Rosie!It’sinhisear!”
Rosiegiggles,droppingtoherkneesbesidemeasIscoopouthisearpotatoes.“Connorhasaknackforgettinghisdinnerineverysinglecrevice.Checkhiselbow.”
Itakehissmallhandinmineandlifthisarm.Sureenough,rightthereinthecreaseofhiselbow,isaclumpofpotatoes.Ishakemyhead,wipinghimdown,andthelittlemonkeytriestoeatthepotatoesoutofmyhand.“Bigtroubleandlittletrouble.PerfectnamesforyouandMama.”
Rosieflickswateratme.“Ithinkit’syouwho’sthetroublemaker.”
IwanttostartallsortsoftroublewithRosie,butI’mtryingtobeonmyverybestbehavior.It’shard,becausethesun’sonitswaydown,theairhascooled,andshe’scurrentlydrowninginoneofmyT-shirtsandapairofmysweatpants.
Somethingaboutaprettygirlinyourclothes,wrappedupinyoursmell…itnevergetsold.
Bearpushesbetweenus,settinghischinontheedgeofthetub.ConnorrestshisforeheadagainstBear’sashewhispers,“Hi,bigdog,”andeverythingfeelsexactlyrightwiththesethreebesideme.
“I’mreallyhappyyoucanstay,”IsaytoRosieasshechangesConnorintohispajamas,layshimdownintheplaypen.
“Iwasn’texpectinghimtodosowellforhisnaphere.Hesleepsinmyroomathome,andwealwaysmakeitbackfornaps.”Shepusheshishairback,smilingdownathistiredeyes.“IguessIdon’tgivehimenoughcredit.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’sit.Youhaveyourroutine,andit’snotalwayseasytostrayoutsideofourroutines.”Inudgehershoulderwithmine.“It’saboutgivingupthatlittlebitofcontrol,right?”
“WhichIhaveahardtimedoing,”sheadmits.
“Butyou’redoinggreat.”
Hersmileissoftandgrateful.“Thankyouforsayingthat,Adam.”
“Mama.”Connorpatsaroundtheplaypen.“Cat?”
“Ohshoot.That’sright.”Shegrabsherbagoffthebedandrootsaroundbeforepullingoutafluffy,orangestuffedcat.“Hedoesn’tdobedtimewithoutCat.”
Connorshufflestohisfeet,rubbinghiseyeswithhisfists,Cattuckedunderhisarm.“Mama,kiss?”
Rosietakeshisfaceinhishand,pressingakisstohisforehead,bothcheeks,andfinallyhislips.“Goodnight,baby.Mamalovesyou.”
Connorreachesforme.“Dada,kiss?”
Iplantaloudsmoochonhisforehead.“Goodnight,littletrouble.”
WithRosie’shandinmine,Iguideheroutoftheroom,turningoffthelightandquietlyshuttingthedoor.She’sallnervesrightnow,fidgetyfingersandbouncingeyes,thegoldenglowofthesettingsunstreamingthroughthewindows,illuminatingthefrecklesonhernose.
“I’mjustgonnacallmyroommateforadvice,”sheblurts,thensmacksherforehead.“TotellhimI’llbehomelater,Imean.”
“Meetmeoutbackwhenyou’reready.”Ikisshercheek.“Ihopehegivesgoodadvice.”
There’saweirdzapofelectricityrunningthroughmeasIgettheyardsetup,BeartrailingmyheelsasIgo.I’mnervous,butthatRosieisnervous,too,iscomforting.Despitemydesperateyearningforasolidfoundation,ameaningfulconnection,andalifetosharewithsomeone,I’vefeltslightlyoff-kiltersinceIstumbledintoRosiethoseweeksago.IknowexactlywhereIwanttotakethings,butinallmyattemptstomoveforwardoverthelastyear,Ihaven’teveractuallymovedinthatdirection.Eachstepforwardhasendedwithtwobackward.Eachdateendingindisaster,everytimemyfacehasbeensplashedonsomesocialmediaoutletnexttoawoman’sIbarelyknew,I’veretreatedfurtherintotheshadows,clungtightertoeverypieceofme.
IwanttogivethosepiecestoRosie.Iwanttoopenmyclenchedfists,showherthepieceswithshakyhands,andaskhertotakemeanyway,tolikemeforme.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Idon’twanttobeAdamLockwood,VancouverViper,all-stargoalie.Ijustwanttobe…
Ijustwanttofuckingbe
.IwanttoexistexactlyasIam.Iwanttobealoyalfriend,alovingson.IwanttobedependableandkindandgenerousbecauseIliketobe,notbecauseIhavetobe.Iwanttobeapartner,someone’sbestfriend,thesteadyhandontheirbackwhentheyneedtobeheldup,thefingerslacedthroughtheirstowalkthroughlifetogether.
IwanttobeAdam.
Andlikeitalwayshas,hockeywillonlygetinthewayofthat.
Thepatiodooropens,sendingmyheartintoatailspin,patteringagainstmysternumlikeheavyrainbeatingdownonatinroof.MyfingerscurlintomypalmsasItakeabreath,hopingtoslowtheracingbeatandeveryerraticthoughtinmyhead,andIturnaround.
Rosie’savision,aflawlessbeautybathedintheduskygoldglowoftwilight,scatteredfragmentsoflavenderandpeachreflectingoffthewater,thetwinklylightsilluminatingthewonderinhergazeasitskatesaroundtheyard,takingitallin.
Shetakesahesitantstepforward,thenanother,onehandatherthroat,theotherclutchingthehemofmyT-shirtshewears.“Adam,thisisgorgeous.”
“Yeah?I,uh…”Irushtothegazebo,scoopinguptheflowersI’dhadsittinginmydiningroomallday.IofferthemtoRosiewithashakyhand.“Igotyoumorepeonies.Ihopethat’sokay.”
“Thankyou.”Shetakesthemwithasmileandlooksattheinflatablemattresssetonthegrass,toppedwithpillowsandblankets.“Andthat?”
“Ithought,ifyouwantedto,wecould,um…”
Shethreadsherfingersthroughmineandsqueezes,gentlepressurethatsettlesmyheartbeat.Itryagain.
“I’dliketowatchthesunsetwithyouwhilewelietogether.”
“I’dreallylikethat.”
Myheartbeatskips.“Yeah?”
Shenods,pullingmetowardthemattress,holdingmyhandasshesinksdowntoit,pullingmeafterher.Shecurlsontoherside,cheekrestingonapillowasshegazesatmewhileIpullablanketoverus.
“Thishasbeensuchaperfectday,Adam.I’msogladwedidn’tneedtocancel.”
“Connorisalwayswelcomehere.Idon’twantyoutoeverfeellikeyouhavetocancelbecauseyou’rewithhim.Ilikehangingoutwithhim.”
Hersmileisequalpartsgratefulandsad,soIgiveherhandasqueeze.
“Everythingokay?”
“It’snicetohear,isall.”
Ifrown.“ThatIlikespendingtimewithConnor?”
Shenods.“Brandon,hisdad…well,that’sthereasonIpickedhimupearlytoday.OrIthinkso,atleast.Kidsweren’tpartoftheplan.Weweren’tthatserious,andheran.Hecameback,butwhenConnorwasafewmonthsoldhesaidhedidn’twanttodoitanymore,thathewasn’tbuiltforit.Disappearedforawhileagain,camebackagain.”HereyescoasttomycollarboneasIrubmythumbalonghers.“It’ssomentallytaxing.You’reeitherallinoryou’renot,youknow?Connordeservestofeellovedandwantedallthetime.Iwanttoprotecthimfromthepeoplewhocan’tofferhimconsistency.”
“Ithinkit’snaturalasaparenttowanttoprotectyourkidsfromeverythingthatcouldhurtthem.”
“Thenhowcomehisdadistheoneinflictingthehurtsometimes?”Shelooksaway,hernosewrinklingassheworriesherlowerlipbetweenherteeth.“It’sjust…Connorwasanaccident,yes,buthewasn’tamistake.He’sthebestthingthat’severhappenedtome,thegreatestgiftI’veeverbeengiven.Ithurtsthat,sometimes,itfeelslikeI’mtheonlyoneofuswhothinksso.”
“That’saheavyweighttocarry,Rosie.IhopeonedayherealizeshowluckyheistohavenotonlyConnorbutyou,too,forbringingConnorintohislife.”
Istrokemyhandthroughherhair,downherback,asshesnugglescloser,nudgingherlegbetweenmine.She’sgivenmesomuchtoday,piecesofherselfshe’shandedoverwillinglywhileIholdback,andIwanttogivehersomething.Theobviousanswerscreamsatmefrominsidemyhead,butIshakethethoughtaway,buryingtheguiltasIdragoutanotherdaywithouttellingherwhatmyjobreallyis,whoIamtoeveryonebuther.
“CanItellyousomething?”
Sheshiftsbackatmytone,givingmeherfullattention.“Ofcourse.”
“Ineverknewmybirthmom.Ionlyknowthatshewasyoungwhenshehadme,andshestruggledwithaddiction.ShegotcleanwhilepregnantbutrelapsedwhenIwasonlyafewdaysold.Sheleftmewithmygrandmaandnevercameback.”IrunthetipofmyfingerdownRosie’sarm,ananchortoreality,mysteadyinthisunstablemoment.“Idon’tremembermygrandma,butIknowshelovedmeverymuch.IneverypictureIhave,welooksohappytogether.ShehadastrokewhenIwasfour.Myonlymemoryisthisvividoneatherfuneral,wherethiswomanwithdarkcurlsandblueeyesstaredatmefromthedoorway,andinsteadofcomingin,sheturnedaroundandleft.”
Rosiethreadsherfingersthroughmine,softlyrunningherthumbacrossthebackofmyhandinagentlewaythatletsmeknowshe’shere,she’slistening.
“Thethingis,I’veneverbeenmadather.Idon’tthinkshecouldgivemethelifeorloveeverychilddeserves,andsheknewthat.Shethoughttherewassomebodybetteroutthereforme,andinleaving,shegavethattome.Achanceatsomethingbetter.”IwipethesingleteardrippingfromRosie’seyeasshecupsmycheek.“Whenyoutoldmeaboutyourparentsearlier,howthethoughtofsayinggood-byetearsyouapart,Iwantedtotakeyourhandandsayyouweren’talone,becauseI’dalsolostpeople.ButIhaven’tfeltalossasdeepasyours.Mineisdifferent.Peoplechosetowalkawaybecauseweweren’tmeantforeachother.Theyweren’tmeantforme,andthere’sacertainpeaceinknowingthat.”
“Thatdoesn’tmakeyourlossanylessvalid,”Rosiesaysfirmly.“Pleasedon’tundermineanythingyou’vegonethroughbecauseofme.”
“I’mnot.Thetruthis,Igotsolucky,andIknowit.There’snopaininmypast,notinmymemories,atleast.Butwhenyoutalkedtome…Ialmostwantedtheretobe.Ididn’twantyoutobealoneinfeelingyours.”
There’sasoftnessinRosie’sgaze,anunderstandingthatpullsuscloser,astringknotting.“Idon’tneedyoutotakeonmypain,Adam.IjustneedyoutositwithmewhileIfeelit.That’senoughforme.”Shebrushesacurloffmyforehead.“Doesthatmakesense?”
“Ithinkso.”
“Thankyouforsharingthatwithme.”
“Thankyou
forsharingyourworldwithme.”
Rosietucksincloser,thesoftinchesofherpressedagainstmebringingmeacomfortIdidn’tknowIneededastheremainingfragmentsofsunlightdisappearbehindthetrees,starsbeginningtoburstagainstthedarkskyline.
“Youcan’tseethestarswithyourfaceburiedinthere,prettygirl.”
Shepropsherchinonmychest,grinningupatme.“Ilikethisviewbest.”
Ichuckle,runningathumboverthedimpleinherchin.“You’rethecutestever.”
Rosieflushes,avertinghergaze.Inudgeherchin,guidinghereyesbacktomine.
“Ithinkit’sadorablewhenyougetshy.Yourwholebodyheats,youstartnibblingonyourlip,andyourfrecklestrytohidebeneaththoserosycheeks.”Thepadofmythumbdragsacrossherlowerlip.“You’rebeautiful,Rosie,andIreallylikebeingherewithyou.”
“Ireallylikebeingherewithyoutoo,”shebreathes.“Areyougonnakissmenow?”Hereyessnapwideandsheclampshermouthshut.“Holyfork—Ididn’t—no,thatwassupposedtobe—I—”
Iswallowherwordswithmymouthonhers,and,fuck
,it’severythingIcouldhaveeverhopedfor.It’ssoftandgentle,thewayshemeltsagainstme,thenoisesshemakesinthebackofherthroat.It’severythingsweetwithahintofabite,thetangofgrapefruitclingingtoherlips,thefranticpressofherfingertipsonmyshoulders,theshiftofhercurvesagainstthehardlinesofmybody
Isinkmyfingersintoherhair,anglingherheadback.Rosiesighs,herlipsparting,lettingmein.Hertonguemeetsminewithouthesitationasherhandscoastoverme,downmyarms,mychest,clutchingatmyshirtasshepullsmecloser,tossesherlegovermyhip.Myhandglidesalongherthigh,overherass,grippingherwaistasIholdhertightandmoveagainsther,surethatI’vefinallyfoundparadise.
Rosieisbrightceruleanskiesandtheheatofthesummersunkissingyourcheeks.She’stoesinthesandandcrystalclearwatersplashingatyourfeet.Rainbowsmadeofflowersandswirlsofcolorsblendingtogetheratsunsetlikeaflawlesspainting.She’sescapingrealityandlivinginpureblisswithouttheracingthoughtsandtheitchoftoo
She’smyversionofparadise.
Icupherfaceinmyhand,sweepingathumbacrosstheappleofhercheekboneasIslowusdown,takingonelastmomenttotasteher,suckonherlowerlipbeforeIpressmymouthtohersonce,twicemore.
Rosie’serraticbreathmingleswithmine,colorbloominginhercheeks.Shepressestwotremblingfingerstoherswollenlips.“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“I…Imeanttosaythatinmyhead.Thekissthing.Andhonestly,thewow
too.”
“Ilikewhenyouthinkoutloud.”
“Alotofmythoughtsareaboutyou,”sheadmits.
Iblowoutabreathofreliefandpullherintomychest.“Thankfuck,becauseallofmineareaboutyou.”
***
“What’seatingyou?”
“Hmm?”
Myeyeslifttomyrearviewmirror,catchingsightofConnorintheback.He’spassedoutwithhisstuffie,andhedidn’tstirlongerthanaminutewhenIliftedhimoutoftheplaypenandtuckedhimintothecarseat.Rosie,however,isadifferentstory.
“You’vebeengnawingonyourlipforthelastfifteenminutes,”Itellher,stoppingoutfrontofherapartment.Itugherbottomlipfreefromherteeth.“What’sonyourmind?”
“Idon’twanttosound…I’mnervousthatI’llsound…Idon’twantyoutothink…”
“Rosie.”
Hershouldersdeflateandsheflashesmeaguiltygrinunderthelightofthestreetlamp.“Ireallylikeyou,Adam.”
“Ireallylikeyoutoo.”
“But…”
“Ohfuck.Notabut.”
Shesnickers,givingmeashove.“Ireallylikeyou,but
I’mnotlookingforsomethingcasual.Honestly,Iwasn’tlookingatall.Butnowyou’rehereandIdon’twanttobringmysonintosomethingthatdoesn’thavepotentialtobelongterm,toberealandseriousandgood.”Shetakesabreath,tuckingherhairbehindherears.“IknowI’monlytwenty-four,butIwanttosharealifewithsomeone.Iwantustobespecialtosomeone.Iwanttobuildafamilywithsomeone,andIhavenoproblempartingwayswithsomeonewhodoesn’twantthattoo.BecauseifConnoristheonlyfamilyIgetinthislife…he’senoughforme.”Dimeyesmoveoverme,andIwatchherfingerscurlintoherfists.“Iknowsomepeopledon’tliketotalkaboutcommitment,andmaybeit’ssoon.ButI—”
Forthesecondtimetonight,Iswallowherwords,everysingleoneofthem.Hertruthsandherinsecurities,theonesthatalignsoperfectlywithmine.
“Iwantthat,Rosie.”Irestmyforeheadagainsthers.“Allofitandmore.”
“I’mscared,”shewhispers.“Nobodyhaseverfitintomylife.Idon’twanttoknowwhatitfeelsliketolosethat.”
“Ilikebeinghere.Ihavenoplansofleaving.”Ilooktothelittleboyinthebackseat,thesoftsoundofhisdeepbreathing,backtotheenchantingwomaninfrontofme.“You’reapackagedeal,Rosie.Thatdoesn’tscareme.I’lltellyouasoftenasIneedtountilyoubelieveit.”
Cautiouseyesmovebetweenmine.“Promise?”
Iholdmypinkyout,andshegrins,tuckinghersaroundmine,pullingourhandstoherchestandmymouthtohers.
“Swearit.”CHAPTER14
ISTHAT…VIBRATING?
ROSIE
“Ithinkit’sclean,Ro.”
ArchietearstheplateI’vebeenwashingforfiveminutesfrommyhands,rinsingthesudsbeforesettingitonthedryingrack.“Thatguyreallydiddickmatizeyou,didn’the?”
“Dickmatizeisnotarealword.”
“Itisinmyvocabulary,andyoursnow,too,sinceyou’vebeenwalkingaroundwiththatdazedlookonyourfacefordays.”Archietakesthenextplatefromme.“Proudofyou,though.You’relikeahornyteenagerdiscoveringherselfforthefirsttime.”
Irollmyeyes,flickingsudsathim.“I’mamother;I’mhardlydiscoveringmyselfforthefirsttime.”
“Practically.HowmanyorgasmsdidBrandongiveyouwhileyoutwoweredoing…whateverthefuckyouweredoing?Two?”
“Shutup.”
“One?”
MymouthscrunchesasIscrubaforkwithvigor.
“Rosie,tellmeBrandongaveyouatleastone—”
“Icangivemyselforgasms,okay?”ItcomesoutalittlemoreAttitude-yJudythanImeanitto,becauseno,Brandonnevergavemeanorgasm,andquitefrankly,anyorgasmsImanagetogivemyselfarebothfleetingandunderwhelming.Betterthannothing,Iguess.
“Ineedanorgasm,”IsayattheexactmomentArchiedeclares,“Youneedtogetlaid.”
“Idon’twanttojumpintoanythingwithAdam,though.”Idrainthesink,washingmyhands.“Iwantthephysicalstuff,butIdon’twantittooverrideeverythingelse,youknow?”
“Itsoundslikeyouguysaremovingatafinepace.”Hesnagsmylowerlipandtugsitfreeofmyteeth.“Whatareyoureallyworriedabout?”
Inibblemythumbnailandliftashoulder.“WhatifI’mboringinbed?Idon’thavealotofexperience,andweneverreallytriedanythingdifferent.IsthatwhyBrandonalwayswantedittobeoversoquick?Andwenevercuddledafter.He’dalwaysrollaway,orgetuptoplayvideogames,or—”
“Rosie.”Archietakesmyfaceinhishands.“Iknowhe’sConnor’sdad,buttheguy’satotalmooncalf;sorry,notsorry.He’sneverdeservedyourtime,yourbody,oryourheart,butyougavehimallofitanyway.”
“Ijustwantedsomeonetowantme.”Thewordsarefracturedandwhispered,andIhatethattheyhurt,thewaytheysingetheairandleaveitheavyandsuffocating.
“Iknowyoudid,honey.Butheleftyouwithmoreinsecuritiesthanyoustartedwith,andIhatehimforthat.You’vegotabeautifulheart.You’resokind,sosmart,andsoincrediblystrong.Hehasawayofmakingyouforgetthat.Idon’tknowAdam,butheseemstomakeyourememberallthosethingsaboutyourself.”Archietakesmyhands,agentlesqueezethatalwayssettlesmyracingthoughts.“Lethimbuildyouup.Andinthemeantime,let’sgetyousometoyssoyoucanworkontakingcareofyourself.”
Islaphishandsaway.“Idon’tneedadildo.”
“Therearetheseclitsuckerstoo.”
“Archie,I’mnotbuyingtoysformyself.”
Hewinks,throwingthedishtoweloverhisshoulderashestartsputtingthedishesaway.“Okay,Rosie.”
“You’re
notbuyingmetoyseither.”
Anotherwink.“Definitelynot,Rosie.”
Ijabafingerintohisshoulder.“Stopsayingmyname.”
Asneakysmirk.“Surething,Ro.”HischucklechasesaftermeasIscoopupConnor’sdiaperbag.“You’dbelessgrumpyifyougotlaid.”
“Mmm,”Igruntout,tossingthebagbythedoorbeforeIjoinConnoronthelivingroomfloor,wherehe’splayingwithhisfarmanimals.“Areyoureadytogotothepark,baby?”
Hepicksupthesmallcow,thrustingitinmyface.“Cow!Moooo
!”Thechickenisnext,bouncingalongmythigh.“Cluck-cluck,cluck-cluck!”
Itaponthegreentractor.“Andwhat’sthis?”
“Trac-ta
!Brum-brum!”
“Hey,monkey.”Archieleansinthedoorway.“Wegoin’tothepark?”
Connorleapstohisfeet,tossinghisanimalsinabasketbeforerunningtowardArchieonwobblylegs.“Pak
!Pak!”
Ithrowmyarmsintheair.“Doesn’tcarewhenIsuggestit.”
“’CauseI’mcoolUncleArch.”HescoopsConnorup,settinghiminthewagonandnudgingmyshoestowardme.“You’rejustMom.”
JustMom
istryingherhardesttobecool,braveMom,whichiswhyI’minmybathingsuitagaintodayformyson,chasinghimaroundthesplashpadattheparkahalfhourlaterbeneaththewarmsummersun.
“I’mproudofyou,”Archietellsmewhenwebreakforasnack.“You’remakingbigstrideswiththewaterlately.”
“ConnorhadthebesttimeswimmingwithAdamyesterday.Hekeptjumpingin,rightintoAdam’sarms.Hewassohappy.Iwentintoo.Alltheway.”
Archiestaresatme,browshiked,lipsparted.
“Okay,IclungtoAdam,andhepromisedhewouldn’tdropme.Itwasn’tashardasIthoughtitwouldbe,onceIwasinthere,butI’dguessthathasmoretodowithhim.”
“Didyoutellhim?About—”
“ThatIalmostdrowned?Yeah.”
“Andyourparents?”
“Itoldhimtheypassedaway.”
“Butyoudidn’ttellhimthetwowererelated?”heguesses.“Younearlydrowningandyourparentspassing?”
Ishakemyhead,shamecreepingupmythroat.
“Hey.”Archiesqueezesmyknee.“It’sokay.There’snorush.”
“It’sjust…whatifIgivehimtoomuch?Toosoon?Thenifitdoesn’tworkout,I’velostitallagain.Thatsoundssilly,Iknow,but—”
“It’snotsilly,Rosie,butIdowishyouweren’talwaysexpectingtheworst.Igetit,though.OrItryto,atleast.”
“Adamwasinthefostersystemtoo,”Itellhimquietly.
“Really?Whatarethechances?Somethingforyoutwotoconnectover.”
“Yeah,Ithoughtso,too,butthen…”Irubmyneck,guiltmakingmythroattight.“Ididn’ttellhimIwasinfostercare.Ourexperiencesweredifferent.Hewasfour,andhewasadoptedinunderayear.”
Archienods.“Soyoufeellike,ratherthanconnectingoverasharedexperience,theywerewaytoodifferentforAdamtopossiblysympathizewithyou.”
Idropmyface,ashamed.“HowawfulamI?Nobodyisinthesystemforhappyreasons.Butwhenhetalkedaboutfindinghisfamily,Iwasjust…sojealous.AndIfeeldirtyforfeelingthatway,Arch.I’manadultnow.Ishouldbeoverthis.I’vegotafamilyofmyownnow.Ihavenothingtocomplainabout.”
“Isthathowthatworks?Yourparentsdie,leavingyouallaloneinabig,scaryworld,youwantnothingmorethantofindafamilywho’llchoosetoloveyou,andwhenyoudon’tfindthat,you’resupposedtojustgrowupandgetoverit?”Archieshakeshishead.“No,yourexperiencedefinitelydoesn’tdiminishhis,butneitherdoeshisdiminishyours.”
“Ishould’vetoldhimthenthatIwasinthesystemtoo,”Iargue,“butIwassofocusedonhowdifferentourexperienceswere,howwecouldn’tpossiblyconnectbecauseofthosedifferences,howjealousIwas,thatIcouldn’tshareit.”
“Meetingsomeonewherethey’reatisn’talwaysaboutfindingawaytorelatetowhatthey’vegonethrough.Hesharedsomethingandyoulistened,whichisallhecouldreallyaskfor.What’sgoingoninyourheadisyourownbusiness.Yourfeelingsarevalidandyouneedtoprocessthem,andlookatyou,doingitrightnow.Youdon’tneedtopunishyourselfbecauseyouimmediatelymadeassumptionsaboutsomeoneelse.”
Itmakessense,allofit,andArchie’salwaysbeenthispersonforme,theonewhohearsmythoughtsandvalidatesallofthembeforehelpingmethroughtheotherside.Ittakesmeawhiletogettheresometimes,that’sall.
“Hey.”Hecupsmyface,forcingmyeyestohis.“Youspentalongtimeconvincingyourselfyouweren’tlovablebecausenobodychoseyou.Youwantedtobesomeone’sfirstchoice,andyouweren’t.Butwearen’tforeveryone.There’salwaysbeensomethingbetterwaitingforyou.”HepointstoConnor.“You’rethatlittleboy’sfirstandonlychoice.Andyou’llbesomeoneelse’sfirstchoicewhenitcomestolovetoo.Maybeit’llbeAdam,maybeitwon’t.Butwhatmattersmost,Rosie,isthatyou’reyourownfirstchoice.Loveyourselfforexactlywhoyouareandwhereyou’reat,mistakes,imperfections,andall.Thepeoplewhoaregoingtochooseyouwillloveallyourpieces,notjustsomeofthem.”
***
“Comeon.JustonequickglimpseathisInstagram.”
“Absolutelynot.”
Marcoshakeshisphoneatme,thesamewayhe’sbeendoingforthelasthourwhiletryingtopryAdam’slastnameoutofmesoheandArchiecansnoophisprofile.“Comeon.Don’tyouwannaseeifhe’sgotanypicturesofhisexes?”
“Thatsoundslikeaterribleidea.”ThelastthingIwanttodoiscomparemyselftoanywomanhe’sdatedinthepast.IworkhardtobehappywiththewayIlook,andit’snotalwayseasy.Comparisonisthethiefofjoy.
“Okay,wedon’tcareaboutexes.That’sgood.Can’tyoujustshowyourhotboyfriendofftoyourbesties?”
“Hedoesn’thavesocialmedia,”Ilielazily,ignoringthatboyfriendlabelthatwehaven’tdiscussed.
“Whatkindofaloserdoesn’thavesocialmediainthisdayandage?”
IpinmyarmsacrossmychestandscowlatMarco’sridiculous,toothygrinasArchiehidesbehindacouchcushion.“Me.”ThebuzzerbythedoorringsandIraceovertoit,thinkingitmightbeAdam.“Hello?”
“I’ve,uh…”Theunknownvoiceontheothersideclearshisthroat.“Gotacoupleof…packages…forRosieWells?”
“Oh.Okay.I’llbedowninaminute.”IscoopmybagupandfrownatArchie.“That’sweird,Idon’trememberorderinganything.”
“Mhmm,”hehums,foldinghislipsintohismouth.“Soweird.”
“I’llgrabthepackagesandwaitoutfrontforAdam.Seeyoulater.”
“Byyye,”Archiecallsoverhisshoulder.
“Nicechoiceonthedress,”Marcoadds.“Easyaccess.”
Easyaccess.
Psssh.Please.It’snotlikeI’mhopingtofeelAdam’shandsonmylegsduringthemovietonight,belowthestarsatthedrive-in.I’mabsolutelynot
dreamingofhisfingersslidinghigher,dippingbelowthehemofmydressinthedark.AndIdidnot
wearmyprettiestpairofpinksilkpantiesinhopesthathemighttouchthem,orbetteryet,seethem.
Absolutelynot.
Okay,fine,butit’snotmyfault.We’vebeenspendingsomuchtimetogether,withConnorandwithout,andI’vethoroughlyenjoyedeverysingletimethatmanhasputhistongueinmymouthoverthelastweek.I’mstartingtocrave…Idon’tknowexactly,butmore.Alittlebitmore.SuemeforhopingImightgetittonight.
Theelevatorpopsopen,revealingtheverymanIcan’tstopthinkingabout,hisheaddownasheexaminestheplethoraofbrightlycoloredpackagessweptupinhisarms.
“Adam.Hey.Iwasjustcomingdowntogetthose.Youdidn’thaveto…”Mywordstrailashisfaceslowlylifts,mouthhangingopen,cheekspink.AtthesametimeInotethelookinhiseyes—intrigued,andyet,slightlyscared—Inotethefaintbuzzingsoundcomingfromoneofthepackages.
Adamtakesasteptowardme,andItakeoneback,handatmythroatincaseIneedtosqueezeittostopfrom,oh,Idon’tknow,throwingup?
“What’sthat?”Iwhisper,butIalreadyknow.
Adamtakesanothercarefulsteptowardme,thenanother,untilI’mplasteredagainstthewall.“Uh,thedeliveryguy…hewas…andIwascomingintogetyou…andsoIthought…”Heopenshismouth,thenpauses,browspulleddownlikehe’slostforwords.“AndthenI…andthenthisone…”Heholdsupthebuzzingpackage,atleasteightinchesinlength,hotpinkwithneonyellowlettersthatreadFORHERPLEASURE
alloverit.Adamswallows,andbloodthundersinmyears.“Itstarted…vibrating.”
“Ididn’tbuythose,”Iblurtout.“I-I-I…Ididn’t.”Adam’smouthquirks,atinytugononeside,likeheeitherdoesn’tbelievemeorsuddenlyfindsthishorrificsituation…endearing
.AndIdon’tknowwhy—Ishouldbesqueezingmythroat,stoppingit—butIgoforit:wordvomit.“ArchietoldmetoandIsaidnobuthe-he-heneverlistenstomeandIhaven’thadanorgasminalongtimeandneverwithanotherperson.”Myhandsflytomymouth,slappingovermygasp,eyeswide.“OhmyGod.Ican’tbelieveIjustsaidthat.”
Iclearmythroat,scoopingtheseveralpackagesoutofAdam’sarmsandintomyown.“Excusemeforamoment.”
Itstartsacasualstrollbackdownthehallbutturnsintoanangry,faststomp.
“Figuredyou’dbeback,”ArchiemumbleswhenIburstthroughthedoor.
“Youmotherfucker,”Igritout,droppingthebundleonourkitchentable.Seven.Thereareseven.Fucking.Packages.
“Ihateyou.”
“Mhmm.Tellmeagainafteryougivethoseawhirl.”Hecockshisheadatthebuzzingsound.“Youalreadyturnoneon?”
“No,Archie,Ididnot.”Ipickupthevibratingpackage,tryingtoignorehowlongthisthingis.“Adampickedtheseupformeinthelobby,andthisonestartedbuzzing
inhishands.”
HeandMarcostareateachotherforfivesilentseconds.Thentheyexplodewithlaughter.
IletthepinkpackageflybeforeIturnaround,throwingmymiddlefingerupovermyshoulderwhenasatisfyingthwack
soundsasthepackagemakescontact.“Fuckyouverymuch.”
***
Mysilkpantieshavebeenwasted.
Okay,notatotalwaste.Ifeelsexywearingthem,andeverytimeAdam’shandsgrazedslowlyupmythigh,theanticipationalonewasworthit.It’snotasifIactually
expectedhimtogettouchyduringamovie,withpeoplearound,eventhoughitwasdarkandwewereparkedallthewayattheback,soifhe’dreally
wantedto,hecouldhave
.Justsaying.
Nowit’smidnight,we’redrivingalongabackroadinthemiddleofnowhere,andthelastplaceIwanttogoishome.
Ican’ttearmygazeoffAdam,onehandonthesteeringwheel,legsspreadwide,hisebonycurlsrufflinginthebreezefromtheopenwindow.He’ssorelaxed,soathome,sofreakingbeautiful,andhe’sherewithme.
Adamlooksoveratme,thesamewayhe’sbeendoingeverythirtyseconds,cobaltblueeyesalight.Agentlesmilestartsinthecornersofhismouthbeforeexplodingintoacheek-splittinggrinwhenhecatchesmestaring.Hereachesover,fingersspreadingovermythigh,slidingachinglyslowlyup,up,up,untilhereachesthehemofmydressandsqueezes.
“Whatchathinkingabout,prettygirl?”
“I’mnotreadytogohome.”
Hiseyesdroptomylips,skimdownmyarms,coastthelengthofmybarelegsbeforecomingbackuptomine.“No?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Nottired?”
“Notyet,”Ibreatheout.
“Mmm…”
Myeyeshookonhismiddlefinger,followingitspathasthetipdragsslowlyalongmythigh,aroundmyknee,comingbackuptheinside.Alloftheairissuckedoutofthecar,andmyheartpoundsarelentlessbeatinmychestbeforedroppingbetweenmylegs.
“Hmm.”Hestealshistouchback,grippingthesteeringwheelwithbothhands.Leaningforward,hestaresoutthewindshield,browsfurrowed.
“What?”
Hepullshisbottomlipbetweenhisteethandhums.“Thinkwe’relost.”
“Lost?”Ilookaroundattheblacknight.Inthelightofthemoon,allIcanseearetreesandnever-endingfields.“Here?”
“Mhmm.Don’tknowhowthathappened.”Hepullsthetruckoverandcutstheignition,leavingonlytheradiorunning.Hefiddleswithhisphonebeforesoft,slowmusicpoursfromthespeakers,drenchingthesummernightair.“Mightaswellmakethebestofit,”hesayswithasneakysmirkbeforehehopsout.
I’mnotsurewhathemeans,butIwatchwithraptattentionasheroundsthehood,opensmydoor,holdshishandouttome.
“Dancewithme,trouble.”
Agiggleslipsfree,andAdam’shandsswallowmywaist,liftingmefromthetruck.Longfingerstanglewithmine,pullingmebeforethedimheadlights,beneaththedancingstarsabove.Hewrapsonearmaroundmywaistandsmilesatmebeforetuggingmeintohischest,hislithebodyswayingagainstmineashehumsalongtothemusic.
“CanItellyousomething?”hemurmurs,sinkinghishandintothehairatthebackofmyhead,holdingmeclose.“I’mneverreadytosaygoodnight.Nottoyou,Rosie.”Softlipstouchthespotbelowmyear,nibblealongtheedgeofmyjawbeforeclaimingmymouth.Histonguesweepsinside,slow,deep,purposeful,andsodamnhoteveryinchofmesingeswithheat.“IfIneverhadtoclosemyeyesagain,that’dbeokay,solongasIcouldkeepthemonyou.Can’tseemtotakethemoffyouwheneveryou’rearound.”
Icurlmyfingersintohiscurlsandtrymybesttoholdon.“Youcan’t?”
Heshakeshishead.“Iknowwhatmoviewesaw,butIcouldn’ttellyouadamnthingthathappened.”Hepullsmyhandsfromhishair,twininghisfingerswithmineandraisingthemabovehishead,spinningmeoutbeforepullingmerightbackin.
Hetwistsalockofhairaroundhispointerfinger.“AllIcouldseewasthewayyoutwinedthesewavesaroundyourfingerswhileyouwatchedmefromthecornerofyoureye.”Hisfingerglidesacrossmycollarbone,draggingthestrapofmydressoffmyshoulder,touchinghislipstothefrecklesthatlivethere.“Thewaythelightfromthescreendancedalongtheseshoulders.”Withtwofingers,heliftsmychin.“Thewaythemoonshoneintheseeyeseverydamntimeyousmiledatme,likeyouwereashappytobetherewithmeasIwaswithyou.Fuck,Ilovethesefuckingeyes.”
Hisnameleavesmylipsonawhimper,andhewastesnotimeswallowingit,handsonmyassasheliftsmetohim,mylegswindingaroundhiswaistashecarriesmearoundthetruck.There’salowthud
,andmyheartbeattripswhenhedropsmeonhistailgate.
Adam’shandslandoneithersideofme,bracketingmeinasheleansoverme.“Soyou’regonnaneedtotellmewhatthatmoviewasabout,becauseIsureasfuckdon’tknow.AllIknowisyou,Rosie.AndIthinkthat’sallIwanttoknow.”
Ilickmylips,thelookinhiseyesheadyandstarved.“Idon’tknow,”Iadmit.
“No?”
“No.Iwasn’t…Iwasn’twatchingeither.”
“Mmm…”Hisgazedropstomythighs,andtheyspreadforhim,invitinghimin,closer.Iseethepleasedsmilehetriestohidebeforehestepsbetweenthem,handsglidingupmylegs,fingertipsdippingbelowmydress,grabbingmyhips.“Sothenwhatwereyoudoing?”
“Iwas…”Firebrewsinmybellyanddriesmythroatasheshiftsmydresshigherandhigher.“Distracted.”
“Distractedbywhat?”
“Yourhand—youweredoing—youkept—”Hiswarmpalmslidesdownmythigh,thumbskimmingthehemofmydress.Ashudderingbreathescapesmythroat,andIsighasmyskindotswithgoosebumps.“Yeah.That.”
Hechuckleslowly,warmbreathskitteringacrossmybareshoulderashepresseshislipsthere,trailinghismouthtowardmyneck,alongtheslope,findingitswaytomyear.“I’msorryI’madistraction.Butit’sonlyfair,isn’tit?IfI’mnotwatching,neitherareyou.”
“Yeah,butIwasn’t…”MyheaddropsbetweenmyshouldersasAdampushesmebackjustatouch,onehandonmychest,theotherwrappedaroundmybarehipasheopenshiswarmmouthagainstmyneck.“Iwasn’tmakingyou…wild…bytouchingyou.”
“Wild?”
“Itwastoomuch…andnotenough.Iwanted…”Igaspashetugsthestrapoffmyshoulder,slideshismouthalongit,histeethgrazingthesensitiveskinbeforehistonguesoothesthefaintbite.“More.God,Iwantedmore.”
“Isthatright?”hemurmurs.“Youwantedtobetouchedwhereanyonecould’veseenyou?”
“I…Idon’tknow.”IsthatwhatIwanted?Outintheopen,underthefakesecuritythatblanketedusbeneaththedarksky?WouldIhavelethim?
Iknowassoonasthequestionskatesacrossmymindthattheanswerisyes.Notjustyes,buthellyes
.I’veneverbeenbold.I’musedtoblendingin;disappearing,really.I’vespentsomanyyearsunseen.WithAdam,forthefirsttimeinsolong,Ifeelseen.Butit’smorethanthat.Idon’tjustfeelseen;IfeellikeI’mtheonlypersoninhisworldwhenI’mwithhim.
SowouldIhavecaredaboutanyoneelseifhe’ddaredtouchmetonight?No,Iwouldn’thave.
“Ijustwantedtobetouchedbyyou.”
Aroughgrowlrumblesfromhischest,ahumofapprovalthatvibratessodeep,Ifeelitinmybellyandrightdowntomytoes.Hispalmsdragupmythighs,histouchsoferal,likehe’sborderingonunhinged.“Likethis?”
Mychestrisesandfallssharply.“Yes.”
“Andwhataboutthis?”Fingersslipbeneathmypanties,grabbingtwohandfulsofmyass,squeezingmecloser.
“Yes.”
“Andthis,Rosie?Didyouwantmetotouchyoulikethis?”Hishandsglideovermyhips,bracketingthejunctureofmythighs,holdingthemopenforhimashisthumbsgrazealongtheedgeofmypanties,overultra-sensitiveskin,makingmesquirm.Hehooksafingerundermychin,forcingmygazetohisasthepadofhisthumbskimsovermyclit,makingitachemorethanitalreadyis.
“Adam,”Icryquietly,myheadfallingbackward.Hismouthfindsmythroat,andIfeelhissmilethere,hispleasure.
“Yes,Rosie?”
“Please,”Iwhimper.“Touchme,please.”
It’sthatsix-letterword,Ithink,thatpusheshimovertheedge.Hewastesnotimeflippingmydressup,revealingmypanties,thesoakedspotdecoratingthecenterofthepinksilk.
“Jesus,”herumbles,ashudderingbreathleavinghislipsbeforehetakesmymouthwithakissthatleavesusbothbreathlessandhot.
Withapunishinggrip,hedigshisfingersintomyhips,hookshisthumbsintothewaistofmypanties,andguidesthemdownmylegs,slippingmysandalsoffintheprocess.Hecrushesthesilkinhisfist,eyeshoodedandhookedontheactionbeforehestuffstheminhispocketandcomesrightback,handsonmineashenudgesmynosewithhisandclaimsakissthatbelongsonlytohim.
“Ifyouwantmetostop—”
“God,Adam,pleasedon’tfuckingstop.I’llbegyouifIneedto.”
Hegrins,andI’mstruckbyhowboyishitis.Happyandsodamnproud,justtherightamountofcheekyarrogance.“AsmuchasIwouldn’tmindhearingyoubeg,I’drathergiveyouanythingandeverythingyouwantandneed.Youonlyhavetotellme,andit’syours.”
“It’sbeenareallylongtime,”Iadmit.“Iwantyoutobegentleandpatient,becauseI’mnervous.Butmostly…”Myhandsslipuphiscordedarms,overhiswideshoulders,curlingintohissoftcurlsasIbrushmylipsacrosshis.“Mostly,Ijustwantyou.”
“I’myours,”hetellsme,rightbeforehesinkshistongueintomymouth,liftsmetohim.Hegrindshimselfintome,andeveryinchofmeshort-circuitsatthefeelofhim,theweight,theneed
.Heneedsme,wantsme,asmuchasIdohim.
“OhGod,”Iwhimperashetugsmyheadback,teethskimmingthecolumnsofmythroat.
“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”Adamwhispersashismouthmovesacrossmycollarbone,onehandfindingmybreast.“Tobetouchedinthebackofmytruck?”
“Yes,”Icryoutashenipsthedelicateskinonmyshoulder,histonguelashingoverit,sealingitwithpleasure.Thepadofhisthumbscrapesovermynipple,burningrightthroughmydresswhenhesqueezesandrollsit,andIrakemynailsdownhisarms.“Adam
.”
“Wouldyouhavemadeallthesenoises?Letpeoplehearyou?”Hotbreathrollsdownmyneck,makingmeshiverashisteethgrazemyear.“Theywould’vewantedtosee.Seethegorgeousgirlcomeundonejustforme.”Hegripsmyhipsandyanksmetotheedgeofthetruckbedbeforespreadingmythighswide.
“Thingis,Rosie…”Hiseyesdrop,lockonthespotbetweenmylegs,theonethatshowshimhowbadlyIcravehim,andawickedsmirktugsathismouth.“Idon’tliketoshare.”Heswipestwofingersalongmyslit,gatheringmywetnessandmakingmegasp.Thenhesinkstheminhismouth,slow,savoring,andwhenhelickshislips,I’msureI’vediedandgonetoheaven.“Theycan’thaveyournoises.”Hesinksasingle,broadfingerinside,andmyheadfallsback,lipspartingonawhimper.Adamtangleshisfingersinmyhair,pullingmygazebacktohisasheworkshisfingerinandout.“Theycan’thaveyourmouth,thewayitopensjustforme.”Histhumbfindsmyclit,afirmpressurewithaslow,torturousroll,andwhenmybeggingeyeshookonhis,hegrins.“Andtheysureasshitcan’thaveyoureyes.”Hismouthmeetsminewithanotherbrain-meltingkissbeforethenextwordstumbleout,low,promising,andsodamnrough.“BecauseI’mnot.Fucking.Sharing.”
“OhhhGod
.”IshovemyhandsthroughthesleevesofhisT-shirtandgriphisbareshouldersbelow,fingernailsdigginginasIclingtohim,andmaybesanitytoo.
“JustAdamisfine,”hewhispers,thatlowvoicedippedinmirth,acertainsmugnessthat’ssorarefromhimbutsobeautifultoo.
Myhipsmove,lifting,rolling,chasingthefrictionofhishand,beggingformore
,andharder
,andplease
,andfuckdoesheeverlisten,givingmeeverythingIwantandmore,untilI’mpanting,readytocombust.
“Jesus,listentoyou.Andyouweregonnagivethemthesenoises?”Hecockshishead,tsking.“No,theseareallmine,trouble.”
“Allyours,”Ibarelymanage,sinkingmyfingersintothecurlsatthenapeofhisneck,tugginghisforeheaddowntomineasIstarttounravel.
“Fuck.”Hisbrowsfurrow,andhecloseshiseyes,giveshisheadatinyshake.“Didn’tthinkitwaspossible.”
Ipressmylipstohis,coaxinghiseyesopen.“What?”
Thepadofhisthumbscrapesacrossmylowerlip.“Foryoutogetanymorebeautiful.Buthereyouare,lookingupatmelikethat,yourlipsswollenandred,yourhairamess,andyou,so…”Electricblueeyesdip,roamingovermewithawildintensitythatsetsfiretomyskin.“Sofuckin’flushed
.Likeyoucan’tgetenough.Likeyou’recomingalive.”Hepushesasecondfingerinside,makingmeshakeashisthumbrubsmyclit,thenswallowsmygaspwithhismouth.“Beautifulisn’tenough,Rosie.You’refuckingimmaculate.”
Andhere’sthemostincrediblething:Ibelievehim
Itellmyselfthat’swhythepitlowinmystomachbeginstobloom,whymyspinestartstoshakeandmytoescurl,despitenevergettingthisfarwithBrandon.Becauseontopofthemind-blowingpleasurehe’sdelivering,it’stheconfidence,thepowerfulsensationthatcomeswithfeelingsowanted.TreasuredSeen
It’sbeentoolongsinceanyonehasseenme.
“WasIdreamingearlierwhenyousaidyou’veneverorgasmedwithanyone?”
Iwhipmyheadsidetosideasmythighsbegintoquiver.“Never.”
“Mmm.That’safuckingcrime.”HewatchesmewithabarelycontainedhungerasIleanbackonmyhands,andwhenmyheadrollsovermyshoulders,heclampshismouthovermyneck,draggingitupmythroatuntilitfindsmyear.“Thesecondyoucomeonmyfingers,thispussyismine.”
Holymotherof
—yup,that’lldoit.Adamknows,too,becausehegetsthissmirkonhisface,halfwaytowicked.
“Ready,prettygirl?”Hechuckles,adark,gruffsoundthatgratesagainstthehollowofmycollarboneashetracesitwithhislips.“Sillyquestion,huh?Thewayyou’resuffocatingmyfingersandclawingatmyshoulderstellsmeso.”
Hisfingersslideintothehairatthenapeofmyneck,pullingmyheadtautashecurlsthefingersinsidemeandwhispers,“Come,Rosie,”againstmymouth,andIlethimthrowmerightofftheedgeofthecliff.
ItfeelslikeI’mfalling,drowning,andrightatthelastsecond,hepullsmeupandbreatheslifebackintome,hislipsonmineasheswallowsmycries.
AsatisfiedmoangratesinhisthroatasIridehisfingers,rockagainstthewavesofpleasurethatbeatlikeheavyraininsidemeasAdam’smouthmovesagainstmine,murmuringthatwordhepromised,theonlywordIwanttohear.
“Mine
.”CHAPTER15
THEONEWHERETHEYWOREFAKEMUSTACHES
ROSIE
EarlyMondaymornings
atWildheartarenearimpossibletobeat.It’saslowstart,thequiethumofmusicdriftingfromtheradioonthefrontdesk,thesoftpurrofthecatsloungingintheirpodswhiletheywaitfortheirforeverhomes,stretchinglazilyinthesunshine,belliesoutandbeggingforscritches.
There’sacertainpeacethatcomeswithbeingtheonlyonehereforanhourortwowhiletherestoftheworldwakesupfromtheirweekends.It’sasafetypeofhappiness,inabubbleofcontentment,pretendingforjustamomentthatwe’renotallrestartingonMondays,rushingoutthedoor,andgearingupforalong,drawn-outweekwhereyoucanbarelystandbytheendofit.
Awetnosenudgesmypocket,andIsmiledownatPiglet.“YoulikeMondaymornings,too,huh?”
Whatshereallylikesisthetreatstuckedinmypocket.Hernosespotsthosethingsfromamileaway,andshewon’tstoplookingupatmewiththoseginormousgooey-brownieeyesuntilIgiveherone.Orfive.
“You’reirresistible,youknowthat,Pig?”Shetakesthetreatfrommypalmandtrotshappilybesideme,makingourwaytothecatsanctuary,herfavoriteplacetobe.Turnsoutshe’sgotamotheringstreakamilewide.
She’sbeenincrediblewithAdamandBearonourweeklyhikes,andthoughshestillseemssoutterlydepressedwhenIheadtoherkennelfirstthinginthemorning,themomentshespotsme,sheleapstoherfeet,tailwagging,tongueout,readyforanyadventure.Onquietmorningslikethese,Iwearherleadaroundmywaist,letherwalkaroundtheshelterwithme.Shelovesthenewfoundfreedom,but,God,thesecats.Idon’tthinkshe’deverseenonebefore,judgingbythewayshestaredwiththewidesteyesatthefirstonethroughitsdoorforfiveminutesstraight,notmovingasinglemuscle.
Andthenthatcatstood,stretched,walkedrightovertoPiglet,andtouchedhertinypinknoseagainstherbig,wetblackone,andallhellbrokeloose.
Pigletleaptintotheair,spunaroundbuttfirst,andpromptlydroppedtoherbackwithherbellyup,readytoplaywiththefluffball.She’sbeengreatsocializationforthecats,andtheyforher.
ArchiethinksPigletwillbereadyforadoptionsoon.Thethoughtmakesmypalmsitchyandmythroatthick.Sobadly,Iwantherhometobewithme.Idon’twanttohavetosaygood-byetoher.Iwanttobethepersonshetrusts,thelapshethrowsherselfineverymorning,thefaceshecoverswithkisses.
Butshedeservesmorethanme.Moretime,moremoney,morespace.I’vegotthelove;Ijustdon’thaveanythingelse.AndPigletdeservesitall,notjustthescraps.
Acardoorslamsoutfront,followedbydeeplaughter,andIpeekoutthefrontwindowastwomenapproachtheentrance.Pigletcocksherhead,hesitantbutcurious.
Ismooththespotbetweenhereyesasshenuzzlesherheadinmypalm.“Youwanttosayhi,girl?Areyouupforit?”
Shestaysgluedtomylegasshefollowsmetothefrontdesk.Whenourguestsstrollin,shescurriesbehindme,nearlystuffingherentirefaceinmybutt
“You’resafe,Pig,”Itellher.“Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.Ipromise.”
“Ohshit,”oneofthemenmurmurs.“That’sPiglet.”
Myforeheadcrumples.MaybeArchie’sbeensharingherpictureontheshelter’ssocialmediapage.Sometimeshedoesthesephotoshootswithridiculoushats,andtheygoviral
.Idon’tunderstandit,butpeoplealwaysrushintoseetheanimalsafterward.MaybemyPighasgone…viral.
Ugh.Idon’tlikethesoundsofthat.
Themenareaboutmyage,maybeabitolder.Onewithgoldenwavesandturquoiseeyes,theotherwithbrownhairandtattoos.Bothridiculouslylargeandattractive,withhappy,easygrinsandapresencearoundthemthatseemsoddly…warm.Friendly.Theyalsobothhavemustaches,onebrownandoneblond,buttheshapeissoidentical,socleanandperfect,theyalmostlook…fake.
Yes,I’mcertainthesemustachesarefakeashell,butIdon’tknowwhy.
Pigletdoesn’tseemtosecond-guessthemustaches,shovingherheadbetweenmylegs,sendingmetopplingsidewaysintothedesk,hernosegoingamileaminutewhileshesizesthemup.
“She’sfuckingcute,dude,”thetattooedonewhisperstohisblondfriend.
“Sorry.ThisisPiglet.She’soneofourrescues,andshe’slearningtotrustmen.Andyes,sheissupercute,andsheknowsit.”
Theblondcrouchesdown,smilingather.“Wewon’tbotheryou,prettygirl.”
Pig’stailstartsthwackingagainstthedesk.Shedoesn’tgetanycloser,butthetensioninherlithebodydissipatesasshelooksbetweenus.
“CanIhelpyouguys?”
Theblondleapstohisfeetandshovesahandthroughhishair,lookingtohisfriendwithwideeyes.“Uh,yeah.Yeah,weweregonna…”Heslapshisfriend’schestwiththebackofthehand.“Youweregonnalookatthose…those…cats.”
Thetattooedmanclapshishandstogether.“Yeah!Yeah,Iwasgonnalookatthosecats!Foryou,though.’CauseyouwantedtogetJenniea…acat.Forherbirthday.”
“I’mnotfuckinggettingheracat.Itstartswithone,nextthingyouknowI’llhavefivecatsandthreedogsandI’llbesleepingbymyselfonthecouch.”Hejabshisfriendintheshoulder.“You’re
gettingthefuckingcat,douchewaffle.”
“Uh…right,so…”Ithumbtowardthecatden.“Cats?”
“Yeah,”thattattooedonesays,shootingaferallookbackathisfriend.“Butwe’rejustbrowsing,ifthat’sokay.”
“Ofcourse.”That’showitalwaysgoes,mostly,andthenthey’rebackaweekortwolater,justtoseeifthecattheyfellforisstillhere.Thenacoupledaysafterthat,andanotherdayafterthat,thistimewithadoptionpaperwork,acrate,andabrilliantsmiletotaketheirnewfriendhome.WehaveoneofthehighestturnoverratesinVancouver.Ourcatsarerarelyheremorethanafewweeks,unlessformedicalreasons.Archiesaysit’sthankstohiscatsinhatsphotosessions.
PigletandIleadthewaytothecatden,andasthemen’shushedwhisperstrailbehindus,I’mfairlycertainthey’retalkingaboutme.
“It’sdefinitelyher…pinkhair…no,dude,hedidn’tsayitwasall
pink,hesaidithadpinkin
it.”
Myhandgoestomyhair,curlingaroundtheroseends.Foramoment,IwishIblendedinwiththecream-coloredwalls
“Sheheardyou,dipshit.Nowshe’sgonnathinkwedon’tlikeherhair.”
Athroatclears,andIglanceback,earsheated,astheblondmanoffersmeakindsmile.“Uh,Ilikeyourhair.It’sreallyprettyandunique.”
Hisfriend’sheadbobs.“Yeah,andsupercool.Itsuitsyou.”
Myshouldersinchawayfrommyears,andmyhandfallsfrommyhair.“Thankyou.”AsIstepintotheroom,Pigletyanksmetowardacagefullofkittens.They’reherfavorite,rambunctiousandfulloflove,andthey’referalforher.
“Holyfuck.”Theblondpokeshisfingerthroughthegateddoor,andatinyblackfluffballattacksit.“Lookatthiscutie.”
Tattoosrollshiseyes.“Asifyou’renotadoptinga—ohmyfuckingshit.
”Hestopsinfrontofournewestarrival,agiantballofwhitefluffwithafewstrategicallyplacedorangeblobs,liketheonesonallfourpawsandaroundhisrighteye.“Who’sthissquishymarshmallow?”
“Hedoesn’thaveanameyet.Hejustcameinafewdaysago.Hewasleftbehindwhenhisownersmovedoutoftheirapartment,sowedon’thaveanydocumentationonhim.”ThecatflopsoverwhenIopenhiscage,pawsintheair,bellyondisplay.Themanstepsforwardwithouthesitation.
“Ohshit,”hechuckles,tickinghisbelly.“You’reacutelittlefucker.”Liftingonepaw,hefrowns.“Isitjustme,ordoeshehavetoomanytoes?”
Inod.“He’spolydactyl.”
“Poly-what’ll?”
“Polydactyl,”Igiggle,watchingashehoiststhecatintohisarmslikeababy.“He’sgotanextratoeoneachpaw,butitdoesn’timpacthislife.”Iscratchathischin.“Justmoreofyoutolove,huh,bud?”
“It’slikehe’swearingmitts.Huh,buddy?That’swhatyournameshouldbe.”Heburieshisfaceinthecat’sbelly,andthecatmewls,lickingtheman’swavyhair.“Mittens.”
Theblondsnickers.“Mittens?Wow,big,toughJaxon.”Hismouthopensonasilentscreamashisfriend’sfistlandssquareagainsthisshoulder,andheclutchestheinjuredlimbwhileslappingathisfriend’sface.“Ow,youdonkey!”
Thecat—Mittens?—hissesandswatsattheblond.Theman—Jaxon?—hideshissmileinhisfur.“Goodboy,Mittens.”
Igrinatthem.“Youtwowouldmakesuchacutecouple.”
JaxonpullshismortifiedfacefromMittens’belly.Hisfriend’sjawdrops,andhestepsback.
“No,butI—Ihave—Jennie’smy—IhaveaJennie
!”
Jaxongesturesathimwithoneflail-yarm.“AndI’mwayhotterthanhim!”
“Arenot!”
“Amtoo!”
“I’mahugeupgradeforyou!”
Jaxonshovesafingerinhisshoulder,andthecathissesandswatsathimagain.“You’reafuckingdowngrade,bud!Mittensthinkssotoo!AndRosie.Rosie,tellhim!”
Icockmyhead,frowning.“Howdoyouknowmyname?”
Bothmenstopfighting,andmaybebreathing.Theylockeyes,feartakingholdofthem,stretchingacrosstheirfaces.Theblond’smustachedislodgesfromhisface,hangingontothecornerofhismouthfordearlife.
Hecomestolifethen,shovinghishandinhispocket,bringinghissilentphonetohisear.“Jennie?You-youneedme?Okay,yeah,I’llberightthere.”
JaxontucksMittensbackintothecage.“Sorry,Mitts,gottago!”Hemakesitthreestepsbeforerushingback,poppingakissonhisfurryhead,whispering,“Loveyou,chunk.”Hewavesoverhisshoulder,joggingdownthehallafterhisfriend.“Bye,Rosie!Bye,Piglet!”
Throughthewindow,wewatchthemhightailitintotheircarandspeeddowntheroad.
ImeetPiglet’sgaze,aslostasmine.“Menareweird,Pig.Don’ttieyourselfdown,girl.”
***
“Yousaidyouweregoingtodrophimofftomeatwork.”IshovethestrollerthroughBrandon’sdoorandblinktherainfrommyeyes.I’msoakedtothebone,myhairamattedmess.
Brandondoesn’tlookawayfromtheTV.“Yeah,butthenitstartedraining,andIdidn’twannagoout.”
“Youhaveacar,”Iremindhim,catchingConnorashecrashesintome,scoopinghimintomywetchestandhugginghimtight.“I’msohappytoseeyou,buddy.”
“Ifyoudon’twannawalk,thenmaybeyoushouldgetyourlicenseandyourowncar,ratherthanexpectingeveryoneelsetoaccommodateyou.”
Bloodrushestomyears,thrummingangrilyasBrandontipsbackabeer,watchingabaseballgame.“Idon’texpectanyonetoaccommodateme.IdoexpectthefatherofmychildmightsometimessharetheeffortanddrophimofforpickhimupsothatI’mnotalwaystheonedoingso.”
Hetossesahandfulofchipsintohismouth.“Soundslikeit’syourexpectationsthataretheissuethen,Ro.”Finally,heglancesatmeoverhisshoulder.“Jesus,youlooklikeshit.”
Everythinginsidemebubblestoarollingboil,despitethechatterofmyteethfrommysoakedbodyandthechilloftheair-conditioning.IclenchmyfistsbeforestrappingConnorinhisstrollerandtuckinghisstuffedkittenintomybag,ignoringBrandon.
“What’sthatbigbagfor?”
“We’regoingsomewhere,”Imutter.
“Where?”
“Tomyfriend’s.”
“Youdon’thaveanyfriends.”
Iclosemyeyestotheoutburstbrewinginsideme.“I’mseeingsomeone,andwe’regoingtospendsometimewithhim.”It’sourfirstsleepover,andI’malotlessexcitedaboutitnowthatIfeellikeadrownedratandBrandonhassolovinglypointedoutthatIlooklikeshit.
Chokingsoundsfromovermyshoulder,andthoughI’mtemptedtoleaveandhopenaturetakesitscourse,Iglanceovermyshoulderashesputtersonhisbeer.
“Youhaveaboyfriend?”Hiseyesdarken,droppingdownmybody,asmirktugginguphislips.“Where’dyoufindhim?Onthecorner?”
“You’rebeingajerk.”
“Ijustmean—andhey,nooffense—butyouhaven’tbeentakingverygoodcareofyourself.You’vegainedsomeweight.”
Angerclenchesmyjaw.IfocusonConnor,hiswidegreeneyessetonmine,sofullofloveandconcern.“Ihadababy.”
“Sixteenmonthsago.Can’tusethatexcuseforever,canyou?Plus,youhadac-section.Isn’tthattheeasywayout?”BrandonturnsbacktotheTV,crunchinganotherhandfulofchips.“Don’ttakeittoheartoranything.Youjustgottastarthittingthegymorsomething.”Anotherswigofbeer.“Don’twantyousettingabadexampleforourson.”
Abadexample?Likerefusingtokeepyoursonforyourtimebecausehe’shavingadifficultdayandyoudon’twanttodealwithit?Notshowinghimtheloveheneedsanddeservesbecauseyou’dratherhangoutwithyourfriendsandgetdrunk?Ortalkingdowntohismotherinfrontofhim,makingherfeellikeshitsoyoucanfeelbetteraboutyourself?
Thewordsarethere,rightonthetipofmytongue,burninglikeacid.ButlikeI’vedonesomanytimesbefore,Iforcemyselftoswallowthemdown,tofeeltheburnmyself,likeIsomehowdeserveitmorethanhedoes.LikeI’dratherheforgetaboutmelikeeveryoneelseinmylifehas,andmaybeifI’mquiet,hewill.
Buthiswordsprickleatmyskin,assharpasthestingingrainslappingatmyfaceasIstomptowardthebusstop,Connorsafeunderhisrainshield.Andwhentheskyopensupwithaboomofthunderandaclapoflightning,somethinginsidemeopens,too,pouringdownmyfacetoremindmehowweakIam,howweakI’vealwaysbeen,evenwhenI’vetriedsohardtobestrong.
Theheavy,humidairbecomessuffocating,andthroughthemixtureofrainandtears,Icanbarelyseethesidewalkinfrontofme.Canbarelyseethetruckslowingdown,stoppingalongsideme.Thedarkcurlsthatpopout,rushovertome,coveringmeinanumbrella,thehandleshovedintomyfist.
ButIfeeltheheatofhishandsastheypullmeintohisbody,anembracethat’ssomuchmorethanwarm.Ifeelhislipsatthecrownofhishead,hisfingertipsastheygripmychin,feelhismouthtakeminewithouthesitation,thewayhistongueglidessoeffortlesslyagainstminebeforehefinallypullsback,lettingusbothbreathe.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IwhisperasheliftsConnorfromthestroller,ploppingakissonbothhischeeksasmysweetboysquealswithexcitementforhisdada
“Couldn’thavemytwofavoritepeoplewalkingintherain,”AdamsayssimplyashebucklesConnorintothecarseatinthebackofhistruck.Heclosesthedoorandturnstome,smileslippingoffhisface.“Whyareyoucrying?”
“I-I’mnot,”Iinsistpathetically,swattingatmytears.“It’stherain.Itlooksliketears,because,water,butit’s-it’s…”Isniffle,thenhiccup,anddragthebackofmywristacrossmynose.“I’mnotcrying.”
Hetakesmyfaceinhisstronghands,thumbsswipingatthedropletsrollingdownmycheeks.“ThenI’llkisstherainaway,”hemurmursbeforehislipstouchmycheeks,overandover,tinykissesthatmakeeverythingbetterandworseatthesametime.AndwhenIfallapartinhisarms,hesimplyholdsmeagainsthim,hisvoiceinmyear,tellingmehe’swithme.
AndIknowheis.Iknowitbythewayhekeepshisfingerstwinedthroughmine,onehandonthesteeringwheelthewholedrivebacktohishouse.AsIstandatthebottomofhisstaircase,watchinghimandConnorpracticegoingupanddownfortenminutes,thewayAdamscoopshimintohisarms,twirlshimintheair,andcelebrateseverytimetheymakeitbackdown.WhenhepullsoutthewoodenstoolhebuiltjustforConnorsomylittlemancanstandwithhimatthekitchencounterwhiletheymakedinnertogether.
Andwhenheglancesoverhisshoulderandsmilesatmeandhisdogsnuggledonthecouchwithaglassofwine,IrealizeI’mfindingahome,afamily,rightherewithamanwhowalkedintomylifeoneafternoonandneverlookedback,choseeveryinchofme,notjustsomeofme.
“Areyouanxiousaboutheadingbacktoschoolinafewweeks?”heasksmeaswewashthedishessidebysideafterdinner,ConnorandBearplayingonthelivingroomfloor.
“Yes,”Iadmitwithasigh.“Myschoolscheduleissodemanding,andthisyearwillbeevenmoreso.ConnorandIneverspentsomuchtimeapart.”
“What’syourbiggestworrywiththat?”
“Thathe’llthinkheisn’tmypriority.Thathe’llfeellessloved,lessimportant.”
“Igetthat.”Hehesitates,likehe’ssortinghisthoughts.“MyschedulestartstopickupinSeptember,too,andI’llbeoutoftownalot.IthinkI’vebeenalittleworriedaboutyoufeelinglessimportanttometoo.”
“Idon’tthinkit’saboutthetimewehave,buthowwespenditwhenwe’retogether.”Ipressakisstohisbicepbeforepressinguponmytoesandfusingmymouthtohisashisforeheadcomestorestonmine.“Andyoualwaysmakemefeelimportantwhenwe’retogether,Adam.”
“AndIthinkyoualwaysmakeConnorfeelimportantandlovedwhenyou’retogether.SoIgetwhereyou’recomingfrom,andIknowyou’refeelingguilty,butifit’sanyconsolation,Idon’tthinkthere’sawayinhellthatkidovertherefeelsanythingotherthansolovedbyyou.”
Pressingmylipstogethertohidemysmile,Isquintupathim,pokehisstomach.“Iseewhatyoudidthere.Sneakyboy.”
Hechuckles,winking.“Forwhatit’sworth,Iamgenuinelyworried.ButIknowI’lldomybesttomakeyoufeelimportant,justlikeIknowyou’lldoyourbestwithConnor,becauseyoualwaysdo.Youdoiteffortlessly,Rosie.”
“Maybeitseemsthatway,butit’snoteasy.”
“No,becauseeffortlessdoesn’tmeaneasy.It’seffortlessbecauseloveismeanttobenatural,somethingyoufeelsodeeplyandnothingcanchangeit.Butallloveishardsometimes.”
“It’sworthitthough,isn’tit?”
Hesmiles,tuckingmyhairbehindmyearbeforekissingthetipofmynose.“It’salwaysworthit.”
“Dada?”Connorappearsbetweenus,tuggingatAdam’sshorts.
Adamruffleshishair.“What’sup,littletrouble?”
“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo?”
“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo?”Adam’sbrowspulltogetherasherepeatsthesounds,tryingtofigureoutwhatConnor’saskingforashedragshimintothelivingroom.“Yeah,wecanee-ya,ee-ya,bo.Forsure.”
ConnorpointsattheTV.“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo,Dada?”HeputshishandsintheairandstartsdancingaroundasAdamkeepsrepeatingthesounds,almostsilently,tryingtopiecethemtogether.“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo
!”
Adamblinks,thenthrowshisheadback.“Oooh!E-I-E-I-O?”
Connorgrins,clappinghishandsasAdamfindsamusicvideofor“OldMacDonaldHadaFarm.”“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo
!”
MyheartsmilessobigasAdamscoopsConnorintohisarms,dancesaroundthelivingroomwithhimwithoutacareintheworld,thetwoofthemsingingatthetopoftheirlungs,laughing,quackinglikeducks,mooinglikecows,meowinglikecats.Thismanissoathomewithachildinhisarms,likeit’sarolehewasalwaysmadetofill.Thathedoesitsoeffortlessly,andwithnothingbutenthusiasm,onlymakesmefallthatmuchharder.
“OldMacDonald”turnsinto“TheWheelsontheBus,”aboutseventeentimesoverwhileIsitandwatch,snapafewpicturesthatquicklybecomefavorites,andasI’mabouttobreakuptheirpartyandtellConnorit’sbathtime,Adam’sphonevibratesonthecounternexttome.
“Youhaveaphonecall,”Itellhim.
“Notimportant,”hesaysthroughhislaughter,ConnorandBearcrawlingontopofhim.
“Itmightbe.They’recallingagain.”
“Allright,c’mon,buddy.”Hestands,flippingConnoroverhisshoulder,cartinghimintothekitchenwithonehandwhilehesquealswithlaughter.Adamtakeshisphone,frowningatthecallbeforedecliningit.“Don’trecognizethenumber.Ifit’simportant,they’llleaveamessage.”HedragsConnoroverhisshoulder,thetwoofthemnosetonose.“It’ssomeone’sbathtime,andImighthavegottensomespecialbluebubbles,justforyou.”
Connorgasps,chantingoneofhisfavoritewordsasweheadupstairs.“Bub-bow
!Bub-bow
!”
“Youdidn’thavetodoallthis,”ImurmurafewminuteslaterasAdamdipshiminhisbath,boatsandducksfloatingalonginaseaofturquoisebubbles.Ipeekovermyshoulderattheglow-in-the-darkstarsstucktotheceilingabovetheplaypen,thetractornightlightcastingadimglowovertheroom,andsomethingthickclogsmythroat.
“SureIdid.He’spartofthisrelationshiptoo.Iwanthimtofeellikehehasaspacehere,andIneverwantyoutofeellikeyouhavetodealwithsomethingonyourown.”
There’sthatR
word,theonethatstopseverythinginsidemeexceptthefranticraceofmyheart.Iwanttoaskhimaboutthat,whereweareandwherewe’regoing,especiallywiththeendofsummerlooming.Me,backatschool,inmybusiestyear,andhimbackatwork,travelingwiththeathletesheworkswith.Theworryetchedonhisfaceearlierinthekitchenseepsintomybones,butnotbecauseIthinkI’llbeanylessimportanttohim.Butbecause,afterasummerfullofhim,ofus,theideaofgoingsomanydayswithoutseeinghim,withoutbeingwrappedinhisarms,heldunderthesteadyweightofhisgaze,drapedinhisaffection…itfloodsmewithastartlingemptiness.
It’sinthismoment,withConnorgazingatAdamwithsomuchadorationasthismangiveshimallhisattention,lovesonhim,actssillywithhim,andjust…hasfunwithhim,Irealizehowfulllifehasfeltwithhiminit.Connor’salwaysbeentheonlyfamilyIneeded,butIthinkwithAdam…maybehecompletesus.
Adamrunshishandupthebackofmythigh,squeezing.“ConnorandIcanmanagebedtimeonourown.Whydon’tyougorunyourselfabathtowinddown?Don’twannabrag,buttheoneinmyroomisthebestthereis.Thereareeighteenjets.”
“Eighteen?”Ibreatheout.
Hewinks.“Eighteen.”
God,Ican’trememberthelasttimeIhadabath.Theideaofrelaxingforafewmoments,peaceandquietwheremymindisallmyown,itsounds…well,tobehonest,itsoundsmadeup.
ItakeConnor’sfaceinmyhands,pressingakisstobothcheeks,hisnose,andthenhistinypout.“CanAdamputyoutobedtonight,baby?”
ConnorpointstoAdam.“Dada.”
“Adam.”
HepatsAdam’shandandsmiles.“Dada.”
“Ad—”Isigh.“Okay.Yeah.Mamalovesyou,buddy.Ifyouneedme,I’llberighthere.”
TheoversizedtubinthecornerofAdam’sbathroomiseverybitasgloriousashepromised.There’sevenastackoffluffytowelsandabrand-newbottleofbubblebathwaitingforme,likeAdamplannedforthis.
Iturnthefaucetuntilthewaterrunssteamyandpourinageneroushelpingofbubblebath.Sweetvanillamintandcoffeefillstheroom,andIclosemyeyestothesmell.Mybagwaitsformeonthebedwithcleanclothestochangeinto,butsodoesoneofAdam’sclean,oversizedT-shirts,andI’dsomuchratherbedrapedinhim.
Connor’sstuffedkittycatchesmyeye,andIcartitbackdownthehall.Heneversleepswithoutit.
They’restillinthebathroom,thequietlapofwater,musicalgiggles,andsoftwordsdrawingmein.Istopshortatthecrackinthedoor,bothboyscoveredinbubblehatsandbubblebeards,Adam’selbowonhisknee,chinproppedonhisfistlikehe’sdeepinthought.It’saridiculoussight,butonethatmakesmewarmfromthetipsofmyearsallthewaydowntomywigglingtoes.
“Iwasthinkingyoucouldhelpmeaskyourmamatobemygirlfriend,”AdammurmurstoConnor,andmyheartstops.“Whatdoyouthinkaboutthat,littletrouble?WoulditbeokaywithyouifIwasMama’sboyfriend?”
ConnorplopsaheapofbubblesontopofAdam’salreadybubblyhead.“Dada,bub-bow!”Hepatshishead.“Hair.”
Adamreciprocatesthegesture,coatingConnor’sfaceinanotherlayerofbubblebeard,untilithangshalfwaydownhischest.“You’rereallyspecialtome,buddy,andsoisyourmama.That’swhyIwanthertobemygirlfriend.DoyouthinkMamawouldlikethat?”Withabigsigh,Adamgentlydropshisforeheadtotheedgeofthetub.“Ithinkso.Ihopeso.Crap,Idon’tknow,buddy.Whatifshesaysno?”
“Iwon’tsayno,”Iblurt,apaireachofexcitedgreeneyesandnervousbluescomingtomeasIpushthroughthedoor.DroppingtomykneesinfrontofAdam,Itakehisfaceinmyhands,fingerspushingthroughlayersofbubbles.Helookssoridiculousandadorable,ithurts.
“Youarethemostbeautiful,kind,andthoughtfulmanonthisplanet.Myheartisalreadyyours.Noisn’tanoption,Adam.CHAPTER16
THAT’SNOTFITTINGANYWHERE
ROSIE
I’velost
countofhowmanytimesI’vewonderedwhylovingourselvesisoneofthehardestthingswe’lleverdo.
MostofthetimeIfindIcandoitwell.Iremindmyselfofalltheamazingthingsthisbodyhasdoneforme,thegiftsit’sgivenme,andIwouldn’ttradeitfortheworld.Andthensomebodyopenstheirmouthwithoutreason,andtheytearyourworkdowninseconds.Youstandthereintheirwake,grippingtheloveyoucarrysotightlyinyourhands,unwillingtoletitgo.Butsometimestheharderyougripit,theeasieritistoletitsiftthroughyourfingerslikesand,fallingtoyourfeet.
AsIstandinfrontoftheoversizedmirrorinAdam’sbedroom,myeyesroamthelengthofmynakedbody,boththepiecesIloveeverydayandtheonesIstrugglealittleextrawithsomedays.
Youhaven’tbeentakingverygoodcareofyourself.You’vegainedsomeweight.It’sbeensixteenmonths.Hitthegymorsomething.
Iclosemyeyestowordsthattrysohardtobringshame,handscurlingintofiststhatshakeatmystomachasIbattleagainstthetemptationtoletthemwin.Becauseattheendoftheday,Iknowthatself-loveisn’tbeinghappywithmyself,allofme,everysinglemoment.It’snotrealistic,andarecipeforfailure.
Blowingoutashakybreath,Iforcemyeyesopen,forcethemtodrinkmyselfinrighthereinthemirror.
“Iamnotsomebodyelse’sopinionofme,”Iwhisper.“I’mstrong.I’mresilient.Myheartisbigandkind.I’malwayslearning.I’mtheonlyoneofme.”Witheachword,thetensioninmybodyslowlydissipates,shouldersdroppingawayfrommyears,fingersuncurlingasmybodydrinksintheaffirmationslikeit’sbeenstarvedforthem,waitingformetoembracemyself,becausetoday,Ineedalittleextralovefromme.
Because,Ithink,self-loveisassimpleasgivingmyselfgraceontheharddays,lovingmyselfextrawhenIneedit.
Thebedroomdooropens,andIsnapthetoweloffthefloor,wrappingitaroundmyselfasAdam’sgazefindsme.Heatpoolsinmycheeksatthewayhiseyesdimastheyrakeoverme,thecurveofhismouthashislonglegseatthedistancebetweenus.
“Hi,”Iwhisperashecomestostandbehindme,wrappinghisarmsaroundme,hischinfindingahomeonmyshoulderashewatchesmeinthemirror.
“Hi,prettygirl.”Hechuckles,kissingtheheatdottingmycheek.“Connor’sasleep.”
“Thankyousomuchfordoingthat.Hereallylovesspendingtimewithyou.”
“HemakesmefeellikeI’mdoingsomethingrightinthislife.”
Sizzlingfingertipsglideupmyarms,overmyshoulders,beforedippingdowntomycollarbonewhereIclutchthetoweltome.Firestokeslowinmybelly,rollinginwavesineverydirection,thebiggestblazeofallsettlingbetweenmythighs.
Iswallow.“You’redoingeverythingright.”
“Everything?”
Inod,gazehookedonhisreflectionashepriesmyirongripfromthetowel.Theplushgrayclothslowlysweepsopen,revealingmybodyinchbyachinginch.Foramoment,uncertaintytakescontrol,runningthroughmeasIscrambletocovermybreasts,thesoftnessofmylowerbelly,thestretchmarksthathaven’tentirelyfaded,ascarthatneverwill.
“InursedConnorforthirteenmonths,”IblurtasAdam’sfingerscirclemywrists,gentlyopeningmeuptohim.“So,they’re…they’re…”
“Perfect,”hewhispers,hissofttouchtracingtheshapeofmybreasts,guidingmyeyesbacktowherehiswatchmesointently,holdingnothingbutdeepappreciation,utteradoration.“They’reperfect,Rosie.Pleasedon’tevertrytoconvinceyourselfanypartofyouisn’tjustright,becausetome,it’severything.You.Are.Everything
.”
Asingletearpeelsitswaydownmycheek.Whenhislipstrapit,Iturnintohiskiss,sinkingagainsthim.“IthinkIreallyneededtohearthat.”
“Doyouneedtoseeittoo?Feelit?”Heliftsmypalmtohismouth,pressinglingeringkissesthereashisfingertipsskateacrossmybelly.“BecauseIwanttogiveyouwhateveryouneed.Iwantyoutoknowexactlywhereyoustandwithme,toseeyourselfexactlythewayIseeyou.ThewaymyheartraceswhenI’mwithyou,whenItouchyou,whenIgettojustfucking…lookatyou
?Iwantyoutofeelthat.”
MygazetracksAdam’ssearingoneinthemirror.“Howwouldyoudothat?”
“Howaboutwestartwithyouputtingyoureyesonyourself?Lookingateverypieceofyouforexactlywhatitis,appreciatingeverythingit’sdoneforyou.Seeingitforthebeautyitis.”
“It’snotalwaysthateasy.”
“No,”heagrees.“It’snot.Notwhenwe’retalkingaboutourselves.”Hetakesmychininhishand,runshisthumbacrossmylowerlip.Mytonguedartsout,chasingitspath.“Letmeshowyouwhatit’slikeforme,lookingatyou.Everysinglethoughtleavesmybody,except…wow
.HowfuckingluckyamI?Ifoundyou,andsomehow,youchoseme.Igettokeepyou.”
“Wasthereanyotheroption?Choosingyou?Becauseitdidn’tfeellikeachoice;itjustfeltright.”
“Likeitwasmeanttohappen?Meandyou?Thatlittleboyoutthere?”
“Likewewerelost,andyoupulledyourtruckovertothesideoftheroadandaskedifweneededaride.Weclimbedinandneverleft.”
Adamgrinsagainstmycheek.“Ilikethat.Youweremadetorideinmypassengerseat.”
Herakeshisfingersthroughthestrands,twiningarosegoldendashegripsmyhip.“Youpaintthesehoneywavesthesoftestshadeofpinkbecauseyouwanttostandoutjustalittlebit.Ithinkitmakesyoulookinnocent,sweet,butwhatmakesyoustandout…”Hesweepsathumbbeneathmyeye.“Thesestunningeyes,thesamecolorasthetreesthedaywemet.”Heskimsmycheekbone.“Andthesefreckles,thewaytheylightupyourfacewhenyousmile,comeoutofhidingafteranafternooninthesun…”Thetipofhisnoserubsagainstmine.“Thisnose,thecutestfuckingnose,thewayitcrinkleswhenImakeyoublush.”Capturingmychin,heclaimsmymouthwiththesoftestbrushofhis.“Andthissmile…Jesus,this
iswhatmakesyoustandout,Rosie.ThissmileiswhatIcouldn’ttearmyeyesfromthatdayintheforest,notthenervouswayyoucheweditwhenyoulookedupatme,thewayitgrewwhenyouwatchedthatpreciousdogmeltinmylap,thewayittransformedeveryinchofyourfacewhenyoulaughed.Ifellforthissmilefirst,becausetherewasnootherchoicebuttofall.”
There’salwaysachoice
,Ialmostsay.AndI’veneverbeenanyone’s
ButAdamshakeshishead,aglintinhiseyeslikeheknowsexactlywheremymindistryingtotakeme.Likehe’snotgoingtoletit.
Hegripsmyneck,bringingmymouthtohis,devouringmewithaferocitythatstealsmybreath,liftsmetothetipsofmytoes,chasingmore,everything.“Nootherchoice,”hewhispersagainstmylipsbeforeforcingmygazebacktoourreflection,whereeveryinchofmynakednessglowsredunderhisscrutiny.
Withhiseyeslockedonmine,Adamstepsback,reachingbehindhimandpullinghisshirtoverhishead.Mymouthsalivatesatthesightofhim,milesoftanned,knottedmusclescarvedtoalevelofperfectionthatfeelssurreal.Andashestepsoutofhisshorts,muscularthighsstrainingbelowtheimmaculatelinesofthelionpaintedthere,heatspreadsthroughoutmybelly.
Adamstepsbackintome,palmcoveringmytorsoasitglidesup,up,handsskimmingthesidesofmybreastsashedotsmyshoulderinkisses.
“These,”hemurmurs,cuppingtheweightoftheminhishands.“Theseareperfect.Andtheyfedyoursonforthirteenmonths?Idon’teverwanttohearyousaysomethingnegativeaboutsomethingsoincredible.And,fuck,aretheyincredible.Liketheyweremadetofitinsidethesehands.”
“Adam,”Ichokeoutashisthumbsscrapeacrossmynipples,pullingeverythinginsidemetight.Mybackarches,pushingmyselfdeeperintohistouch,wantingmore.
Fingertipsdanceacrossmyflesh,dippingbetweenmybreasts,lower,acrossmybelly,leavingatrailofgoosebumpsintheirwake.Adam’seyesmeetmineashegentlytracesthefaintstretchmarkspaintedonmyskin.Heatpoolsinmycheeks,beggingmetolookaway,butthelookinAdam’seyesbegsmetostayrightherewithhim.
“Tigerstripes,”hewondersoutloud.“IunderstandthetermnowmorethanIeverdid.Abeautifulreminderoftheversatilityofyourbody,thewayitadaptedtogrowsomethingsoprecious.You’reunbelievablystrong,Rosie.Amamawho’lldoanythingforherson,tohelphimgrowandlearnsurroundedbylove,whilealsoshowinghimwhattruestrengthlookslike.”
“Whatdoesitlooklike?”Iaskquietlyashishandssearacrossmyfleshlikeapaintbrushonacanvas.
“It’sfierce.Brave.Conqueringyourfearssoyouandyoursoncanlivewithoutthebarriersyouseeinyourmind.Butit’salsovulnerability.Honesty.Trust.It’sseeingyourfaults,yourfears,assetbacksandopportunitiestogrowandlearnmoreaboutyourself,ratherthanadead-endroad.It’smovingforwardonestepatatime,withsomeone’shandinyours,holdingyoutight.”
“Ilikeholdingyourhand.Itmakesallthosestepsalittleeasier.”
“Ifeelthesamewayaboutholdingyourhand.Butforwhatit’sworth,Rosie,Ithinkyou’dbemovingforwardwithorwithoutme.I’mnotyourstrength.You’reyourownstrength.”Fingersflutteracrossthelineofmyc-sectionscar,belowthesoftnessofmystomach.“Ifyoueverquestionit,thisrighthereshouldbealltheproofyouneedthatyou’reabadasswithunmatchedstrength.Becausethisscartellsastory.Astoryofalifeyougrew,alifeyoubirthed,afamilyyoubuiltallonyourown,oneanyonewouldbesoluckytobeapartof.”
Hepullsmetightagainsthim,encasingmeinhiswarmthandsomethingthatfeelsalotlikelove.Andme?Isinkintoit.Iembraceallofit,becauseIthinkthat’swhatyoudowithlove.Youneverknowhowfleetingitis,afterall.
“That’showIfeel,Rosie.Lucky.Sodamnluckytobeapartofyourfamily,howeversmallapartofitImaybe.Sogratefulyouletmeintoyourlives.Sogratefulforthesebeautifulgreeneyes,andthekindest,widestsmilethatmakesmyheartfeelsofull.Sogratefulforthisstrong,incrediblebodythatgiftedmeatinylittleboyIdidn’tknowIneeded,oneI’vefalleninlovewith.So,thankyou,Rosie.Ifyoucan’tseeyourselfforeverythingamazingyou’vedoneforyou,Ihopeyoucanseeeverythingamazingyou’vebroughtme.”
MyheartpoundsarelentlessbeatasAdamtakesmyshakinghandinhis,pullingitback.
“This,Rosie,”hemurmurs,pressingmypalmabovehispatteringheart.“It’sallforyou.”
Idon’tknowwhyitfeelssoheavy,sodeep,likebeingsubmergedinwater,exceptit’sthegoodkindofdrowning,whereitgivesyoulifeinsteadofstealingitaway.Drowninginappreciation,inpraise,inwordsthat—forsomereason—Iknowaregenuine.Therealizationisstaggering,pullingashakybreathfrommylungs,makingmykneeswobbleasthefeelofthismanencasesme.Andwhenmykneesgiveout,knockingmebackward,Ifeeltheheavypressofabulgeagainstmylowerback,thesheersizeandweightofitrippingagaspfrommythroat.
Adam’slowchuckleskatesdownmyneck.“Yeah,that’sallforyoutoo.”
Fireblooms,crawlingalongeveryinchofmeasherakestwosearingpalmsdownmysides,graspingmyhipssoharditstraddlesthatpleasure-painlineinthemostperfectway,likelooseninghisgripmightmeanlosingme.
“I’dkisseveryfuckinginchofthisbody,worshipitall,makeitmyonlyreligionifyou’donlyletme.”Hedragsasinglefingertipacrossmyshoulder,mycollarbone,dippingdowntocircleonetightnipple.“Whatdoyousay,trouble?Yougonnaletme?”
Mybackarches,pushingmyachingbreastsintohiscapablehands.“Please,Adam.”
Hetakestheweightofthemsoeasily,squeezing,rollingmynipplesbetweenhisthumbsandforefingers,pullingeverysoundfrommymouth.Hot,wetkissestrailmyshoulder,upmyneck.Hetraceseachcurve,drawsapathacrossmybelly,aroundthefullnessofmyhips.Hedipslowerstill,andwhenhistouchghostspastthespotIwanthimmost,myentirebodytrembles,foldingforwardfromtheteasing,thesatietyI’vebeendenied,andthehandsomefuckerreallychuckles
inmyear.
“Ilikeyoufrustrated,”hetellsme,pullingmyassbackintohim.Hedipshishandbetweenmylegs,tracingmythighs,andhehumsappreciativelyashefindsthephysicalevidenceofwhathedoestomecoatingmerightthere.
“I’dlikeyourhandalittlehigher.”
“Mmm.Isthatright?”Fingertipsdancecloser,soslowlyithurts,adesperateclenchinglowinmybelly.“Here?”hewhispersagainstmyear,slidinghisfingerthroughthewetnessofmyinnerthigh.
“Higher,please.”
“Herethen.”Hetracesthejunctureofmythigh.“Thismustbethespot.”
“Adam
.”Hisnameisagarbledcry,drowningindesperation.“Please,touchme.I’lldoanything.”
“Suchaprettymouth,beggingsonicely.Youdon’thavetobegthough.”Twofingersslipslowlythroughmyfolds,givingmeexactlywhatIwantasIfalltowardthemirrorwithawhimper,Adam’smouthatmyear.“I’dneversaynotoyou.”
MymouthopensonasharpgaspashepushestwofingersinsidemeandshowsmeanothersideofthemanIthoughtIknew.
Adamissoftandgentle.Everyword,everyaction,iscarefulandthoughtful.Thewayhefucksmewithhisfingersrightnow,cobalteyesblazingwithheat,withpower,isanythingbut.It’ssavageandruthless,likeheownseveryinchofthisbody.Likehewantsmybodytoforeverremembertheshapeofhim,thepossessivegriponmyhipasheholdsmetothemirror,thewayhishandglidesdown,grabbingmyasslikeitwasmadeforhimtohold.
“Thisfuckingass.NearlyforgottotellyouhowmuchIloveit.”
“Youdon’tthinkit’stoobig?”Imanage.
“Toobig?Isthatathing?”Fingertipsdigintothesoftflesh,squeezingmeinhislargepalm.“Seemsliketheperfectsizetome.Lookhowwellitfitsme.”
“Yourhandsarehuge.”
Hegivesmyassaswift,gentlesmackbeforesiftingthroughthehairatthenapeofmyneck,lockingourreflectedgazes.“Andyourassisfuckingimmaculate.”
AshudderripplesdownmyspineasAdam’sthumbfindsmyclit,movingwithprecision.“Whyisyouswearingsuchaturn-on?”
“Whycan’tItalklikeagentlemanwhenyou’renakedandbeneathmyhands?”
Igrinagainsthismouthwhenhestealsakiss.“Ilikeyouasagentleman,butIlovewhenyoulosealittlecomposure.”
“Well,thankfuck.BecauseIfeellikeI’mlosingmyfuckingmindrightnow,andyou’retheonestealingit.”Hedragsmeawayfromthemirror,intohisloomingbody.“Socomehere,trouble.Becauseifyou’restealingmymind,Igetyours.”
Thethrustofhisfingersedgescloserandclosertoferalastheymovefaster,pumpdeeper,hittingaspotinsidemenobody’severfound.Heatclimbsupmychestandwrapsaroundmythroatlikeavineasmybreathcomesinheavyspurts.
Ican’ttakemyeyesoffAdam,thewayhisbodylooksbehindmine,ahomeI’vebeensearchingfor,ashelterI’vecraved.Thewayhiselectricblueeyesmoveoverme,memorizing,reverent,likehe’sinutterawe.
Theferocitylurkingbeneathhishoodedlidspullseverythinginsidemetight.Hewrapshishandaroundmythroat,guidingmyeyestohisinthemirror,hishandmovingbetweenmyslickthighs.
“Fuck,Rosie.Lookatyou,prettygirl,drippingallovermyfingers.Suchagoodgirl,butyouwannabealittlebitbad,don’tyou?”
“Justforyou,”Imanageonagasp.
“Yeah,”herasps,hotbreathrollingdownmyneck,shakingmyspinewithashiver.“Justforme.”Hepresseshislipstomytemple.“Canyoudoonemore?”
“Onemore?”Anedgeofpaniccreepsintomyvoice,becausethisman’shandsarelarge
,hisfingersthick
.I’vebeenwithoneman,and…well,hesurewasn’tanythinglikeAdam.
“Onemore,”herepeats,gentlyeasinganotherfingerin,holdingmeclosewhileIgaspattheintrusion,stretchingaroundhim.“That’smybeautifulfuckinggirl,takingmyfingers.Soon,it’llbemycock.”
“OhGod,”Icry,andmysoulstartsleavingmybody.“Adam
.”
“Ilovethefeelofyourpussysqueezingmyfingerswhenyou’reclose.Andyou’reclose,Rosie,aren’tyou?”
Irockagainsthistouch,clutchingathishandasItrytoanswerhim.“So…so…mmm
…”
“Close,”hefinishesforme,thesingleworddippedinmirthandabitofarrogance.Hisfingersdivedeeper,faster,histhumbstrummingmyachingclit,andeverythinginsidemestartsunravelingasAdamworkshishot,wetmouthdowntheslopeofmyneckbeforewhisperinghiscommand.“Comeonmyfingerssoyoucancomeagainonmytongue.”
Onhistongue?ButI’venever—
“Now
,Rosie.”Hepunctuateshisorderwiththecurlofhisfingers,thefirmpressofhisthumbtomyclit,andsomethinginsidemesnaps.Starsexplodebehindmyeyelids,butAdamgentlysqueezesmythroat,andmygazesnapstohis.“Thoseeyesbelongtomewhenyou’recomingforme.Whoareyoucomingfor?”
“You.”Hetiltsmyheadovermyshoulder,andwhenourgazescollide,Icomealloverhishand,givinghimthewordshewantsbeforehetakesmymouthtoo.“God,Adam,you
.”
Largehandsgripmywaist,flippingmearoundandpressingmeagainstthemirror.Hedropshisforeheadtomine,bothofusnothingbutheavingchests,staggeredbreaths,shakinghands.Beyondthesoundofourheavybreathing,Inotethequiet,slowdrip,drip,drip
beyondAdam’sopenedFrenchdoors,leadingtohisbalcony.Thecloudsbreak,andthesettingsunbasksAdaminanamberglow,lightinghimlikethegodIthinkheis.
“Therainstopped,”Iwhisper,andmyhandstrembleastheyslipdownhisabdomentohiships,whereItuckmyfingersintothewaistbandofhisunderwear,inchingitdown,and—
“OhJesusChrist.”Ijumpbackward,onehandatmythroat,theotherpointingat…at…“Holymotherforking…shirtballs
.”Mygazejumpstohis.“Thatis…Imean,thatisjust…”Ipointathiscock,shakemyfingeratit,thenclaponefistintomyoppositehandtodistractfromthethatI’mfreakingthefuck
out.Iclearmythroat.“Massive.Thatis…massive,myfriend.Wheeew.”Bendingover,Igripmykneesandtrytobreathe.
“Youokay?”heasks,andIhatethesparkleofhumorinhiseyes.
“Adam,Ican’tpossibly…thatwon’t…”Shakingmyhead,Itakeastepback,thenanother,andonthethird,Itripovermyfeet,catchingmyselfofftheedgeofAdam’smattress.Helaughs,dartingforwardtohelpmeup,Ithink,butI’llneverknowforsure,becauseIskitterupontothebedandcrawlawayfromhimasfastasIpossiblycan.
“Getbackhere,”hesaysonalaugh,catchingmyankle.Heflipsmeontomybackanddragsmetotheedgeofthebed,wearingthefilthiest,hottestfuckingsmirkI’veeverseen.“Wheredoyouthinkyou’regoing?”
Literallyanywherebutnearthatdick.
Ihadac-sectionbecauseConnor’sheadwasn’tfittingthroughmypelvis,andthismanthinkshiscockissomehowgoingtoworkitswaythrough?Sure,acockisn’tanine-pound,twelve-ouncebaby.And,yeah,it’snottakingtheexactsamepath,but,Jesusmotherfuck…
Ithrowmyhandsintheair.“Ithinkyou’rebiggerthanthatunderwearmodelonthebusstopshelter!”
“Idefinitelyam.”
“That’snotfittinganywhere.Notinmymouth,andnotinmyvagina.Youknowthat,right?”
Heliftsashoulder.“Thingshaveawayofworkingthemselvesout.”
“‘Thingshaveawayofworkingthemselvesout?’Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”
“Itmeanswe’llmakeitfit.”
“Makeitfit,”Imumble,armsoutwideonthebed.I’vegivenup.Resignedtomyimpendingdoomthatisthisman’scock,inandaroundanyportionofmybodytonightandinthefuture,whetheritbemymouthormyvagina.AllIknowisthis:therewillbenosurvivors.“We’llmakeitfit.Okay,yeah,I’msurethat’lljust—whoa
!”
AlltheairinmybodyleavesmeasAdamscoopsmeupandtossesmeoverhisshoulder,eatingthedistancetothebalcony.Hethrowsopenthedoorsandstepsintothehumidevening,theairfreshandearthyfromanafternoonofrain,andwhenhesetsmeonmyfeet,theblurofrainbowsmearingthepinkandorangeskystealseveryoneofmyworries.
“It’sgorgeous,”Imurmurashestepsbehindme,wrappinghimselfaroundme
“Gorgeoussunsetformygorgeousgirl.”Hislipsmoveovermyneck.“You’regonnawatchthatskywhileItasteyou.”Hebrusheshisthumboverthesuddenblazeofheatonmycheekbones.“What’sthisblushfor?”
“Youdon’thavetodothat.”Ihatethesoftnessinmyvoice,theshamethatsomeoneelseputtherebecausehedidn’tdothat.
“Ifyoudon’twantto,it’sokay.”
“There’snothingIwantmorethantotasteyou;Ipromiseyou.”Hetipsmychinup,eyessearchingmineovermyshoulder.“Haveyouneverdonethisbefore?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Selfishly,I’mhappytobeyouronly.I’llmakeitsogood,Rosie.Ipromise.”
“No,but—”Iwhipmyheadleft,thenright.Adam’spropertyishuge,anexpansiveoasisoflushgreentreesandhighfencesthatoffernearlyalltheprivacyyoucouldwant.Butfromuphereonhisbalcony,Icanseethehousesnestledoneithersideofus,soIdropmyvoiceasiftheymightsomehowhearus.“Someonemightsee.”
There’sthatsmirkagain,thoughhedipshisheadtohideit.Hesitsontheoversizedloungerandliftsmeontohislap,wrappingmylegsaroundhim.Atthethick,heavyfeelofhimpressedagainstme,rightwhereIwanthimmost,Idigmynailsintohisshoulders.
Adamthreadshisfingersthroughmyhairbeforepullingmeforward,fusinghismouthtomine.There’saslownessinthiskiss,somethingunhurriedandpatient.Butbehindit,there’sahungersodeepIfeelitineverysweepofhistongue,thewayhesighsintomymouth,theslightshaketohishands.Andthelongerwekiss,thehottereverypartofmegrows,untilI’mperchedonmyknees,pushinghimdowntohisback,rollingmyhips,wringingwhimpersfromthedeepestpartsofme,notcaringwhomightsee.
Idon’tknowwherethisisgoingtonight.IthoughtIwantedmoretime,butwithhimbelowme,thewayheclaimseverypieceofmeashiswiththeskimofhishandsalongmybody,Ifeelready.
“Nobodycansee,”hepromisesagainstmymouth.“Butifyou’reloudenough,they’llhear.Doyouwannabeloud,Rosie?”
“Yes,”Igroan.
“Good.”Hespreadsoutoverthecushionsandyanksmeforward,spreadingmythighsandsettingmykneesoneithersideofhisface.“Tellthemyou’remine.”
Onelick.That’sallhegivesme.Treacherouslyslow,fromthebottomallthewaytothetop,lookinglikeatragicallybeautifulmasterpiecebelowmewithhiseyeslockedonmine,andthenalltracesofmygentleAdamaregone.Themanwithhisfacebetweenmythighsshowsmehowstarvedheis,hisfingertipsbitingintothesoftfleshofmyassasherocksmyhipsbackandforth,histonguedelvingdeep,incitingapleasureIneverknewwaspossible.
“Ohhh
God.”Igriphiscurlstightinmyfists,unabletolookanywherebutathimashedevoursme.“So…mmm,Adam.Sogood
.”
“Thinkingthesamething,baby.”Hesucksmyclitintohismouthinawaythatcrushesmysoul.“So.Fucking.Good
.”
Ileanintotheride,onehandinhishair,theotherreachingback,balancingonhisthickthighasmypelvisrollsagainsthismouth.It’sthesightofhiscockthatdoesmein,standingsotall,soproud,wheneverythinghe’sdoingisallforme.
He’senjoyingthis
.Makingmefeelgood,itmakeshimfeelgoodtoo.Andthat…thatdoessomethingtome.It’snotachore;it’sachoice.Andbythefeelofhishandsonme,thewayhismoansvibrateagainstme…I’dsayit’sachoicehe’dhappilymakeagainandagain.
“Adam.”Reachingbehindme,Ifisthiscock.Itpulsesinmyhand,andAdam’sbodyjoltsbelowmeashehisses,tuggingatmyclit.“Iwanttoturnaround.”
“Youdon’thave—”
“Iwanttosuckyourcock,please.”It’spartplea,partwhine,andawholelotofpout,butitsureasshitdoesthetrick.Onesecondoureyesarelocked,andthenextI’mbeingabsolutelymanhandledasAdamflipsmearound,myassintheairbeforehejerksitbackdownonhisface.
Adamfistsmyhair,holdingmeabovehim,mybackbowedasIridehisface,hiscockgrippedtightlyinmyhand.
“Youwantit?”Hismouthmovesoverthecurveofmyass,wetkissesandteasingnipsthatdrivemetowardthebrink.“Asknicely.”
“Please,”Ibegonawhimperashistonguereturnsrightwhereitbelongs,drivingmemad.“Please,Adam.”
“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Yourcock.”
“Goodgirl,”hewhispers,guidingmeforwardwithhishandonmyhip.“Youcanhaveit.”
It’sadistractingsight,Adam’smuscularthighsflexingbelowme,histhicklengththrobbinginmysmallhand.He’srockhard,andIwatchwithwonderasabeadofcumdecoratestheheadofhiscockwhileIslowlystrokehim.Ileanforward,flickingmytongueoverthatglisteningdrop,smilingwhenhegroansagainstme.
He’salwayssoincontrol,butthesetinyfissures,givingmeaglimpseatthemanbelow,theonecravingtojustletgo,makemewanttounravelallofhim,seewhat’shidingbeneaththecalmfa?ade.
SoIgripthebaseofhiscockandlick,fromthebottomallthewaytothetop,slow,beforeswirlingmytonguearoundthehead.Histhighsstrainandhistoescurl,andwhenIslowlyswallowasmuchofhimasIcan,hisfingertipsbiteintomyass.
“Fuck,Rosie.”Hisgriponmetrembles,andashiscockhitsthebackofmythroat,hismouthfallsawayfromme,themostbeautifulthroatymoanfallingfromhislips.
Roughpalmsslideupmysidesbeforehedragsthemdownmyback,grabsmyass,andspreadsmewider.Somethingbreaks,hisfinaltether,maybe,becauseeveryhintofgentlemandisappearsasheeatsmelikeamanwho’sbeenstarvedfortoolong,lostinthedesertforweeksonend.Andwhenhethrustshisthumbinsidemefrombehind,mywholeworldfadesawaytonothing.
“Ohhh…fuck
.Adam.I-I-I…”Myeyesrollup,uptothemountains,thesunsetpaintingtheskyasIstruggletobreathe,struggletokeepmymouthonhim.“God,Adam
.”
“That’smyloudgirl.Tellthemwhoyoubelongto.”
Buthebelongstome,too,andIwanteveryonetoknow.
Itakehimintomymouthagain,matchingtherockofmyhips,thethrustofhisthumb,thelapofhistongue.We’renothingbutpantingbreaths,bitingfingernails,strangledgasps,andlowmoans.
Adamripshismouthaway,takinghisthumbwithhimbeforereplacingitwithtwodeepfingersthathavemecryingout.“Christ,Rosie.Sofuckinggood.You’reamasterpiece,ridingmyface.”
Igroanaroundhiscockashepullsouthisfingers,swipingthemacrossmyassbeforehegivesitaswiftsmackanddivesrightbackinwithhistongue.I’veneverfeltanythinglikethis,thesoft,velvetyslideofhistongue,thegentletugofhisteethinexactlytherightplace,theplushpressofhislipsinmymostintimateplace.It’satasteofheaventhatleavesmefiendingformore,forittoneverend.Everythinginsidemepullstaut,readytosnap,andI’msodesperate.Desperatetogiveallofmetothisman,forhimtoseeit,totakeit,to…loveit.
“Givemeeverything,Rosie.Comeforme,baby.”
AndhowcanInot?Withhishandsonmyhipsholdingmetight,andhistonguealloverme,Icave.It’slikewalkingtotheedgeofamountain,lookingdownatallthatbeautybelowyou,closingyoureyes,andjust…jumping.Lettinggo.Free-fallingintooblivion,andlovingeverymomentofit.There’snotacareintheworldaboutwhomightsee,orwhomighthear,becauseinthemomentIknow:everyinchofmebelongstothismansomehow,theonewringingeverydropofpleasureformeasIcallouthisname.
Hepullsaway,replacinghismouthwithhisfingers,pullingasecondorgasmfrommewithoutpause.“Rosie,”herasps,hishipsjerkingasheslidesinandoutofmymouth.“I’mgonnacome.”Hetugsonmyhips,tryingtopullmeoff.“Yougottamove,baby.”
ButIdon’twantto.Iwanttogivehimeverythinghegavetome.
Hisfingerscurlinsidemeashewringsanotherearth-shatteringorgasmfrommybodywhenIthoughtIhadnothinglefttogive.Digginghisfingersintomyhips,heholdsontomewhilelettinggoofeverythingelse,spillinginsidemymouthashebitesdownonthesoftfleshofmyass.
“Fuck
,”hegrowls,pickingmeup,tossingmedowntothelounger.
Hecrawlsovertopofme,theferociouslookinhiseyestellingmehe’snotevenclosetosatiated.Awickedsmiletugsathislipsashegraspsthenapeofmyneckandliftsmymouthtohis,wherehemurmurshisnextwordsbeforewediverightinforroundtwo.
“Fuckinglovethewayyoutastewhenyouunravelforme.”
***
“You,onmybalcony,drinkingwineunderthestars,wearingnothingbutmyT-shirt.”
ItipmyheadbackonAdam’schest,peeringupathim.He’salreadylookingatme,onehandholdingthestemofhiswineglass,theothertrailingapathovermybarethigh.He’swearingapairofdark-rimmedglassesbecausehewantedtolookateverysinglepictureofConnorI’veevertaken,anditrampsupthefuckme
factortoawhoppingonehundredoutoften,butreally,I’vestoppedcounting.Theman’sfuckme
scoreisoffthecharts.
Hislargehandbracketsmyjawashedropshismouthtomine.“Myversionofparadise.”
“Ifthisisparadise,couldwestayhereforever?”
“I’dhappilystayanywhereyouwere.”HedipshishandbeneaththeT-shirtIwear,trailingthetipofhisfingerovermystomach.“WhatIwouldn’tgivetohaveseenyouwhenyouwerepregnant.Betyouwereagoddamnmasterpiece.”
“Iatealotofhotfudgesundaes,extrahotfudge.Itwasanaddiction.”
“I’dhavehappilyfedthataddiction.”
“Youwould’vecontributedtothenumberofstretchmarks,huh?”
“Tigerstripes,”hemurmursagainstmyshoulder,myneck.“AndIwould’vespenteachnightkissingthemtoo.”Hesetsourglassesdownandspinsmearound,wrappingmylegsaroundhimbeforehestandsandcarriesmethroughtheFrenchdoors,pastBearsnoozingonacushioninthecorneroftheroom.Layingmedownonhisbed,heliftshisT-shirtoffmeandcrawlsovertopofme.“Icouldspendallnightkissingthemnow.”
“Ithinkyou’vedonethatalready.”Thewordsleavemeawhimperashismouthmovesupmythighs,overmyhips,acrossmystomach,coveringmyimperfectionswithtenderness.
“JustwanttomakesureyouknowhowmuchIappreciatethisbodyandeverythingit’sdoneandcontinuestodo.”
“Youmakemefeelveryappreciated,”Ipromisequietly.“MoreappreciatedthanI’veeverfelt.”
ThesoftwordsbringAdam’seyestomine,andIlookaway.
“Hey,”hewhispers,anglingmyfacetohim.“Iwishyouwouldn’tfeellikeyouneedtohideawaywithme.We’repartnersnow,Rosie.Youandme.AndIcan’tbethebestpartnerIcanifyoudon’tfeelsafewithme.”
“It’sjust…alittleembarrassing.”
Hisgazesoftens,andhemovestothepillows,sittingmeagainsthischest.Hetipsmychin,bringingmyeyestohis.“Ilikeyouforeverythingyouare,allthepiecesyou’veshownme,andtheonesyoutrytohidetoo.Iknowourinsecuritiesexistforareason,butthere’snothingyouneedtohidefromme.”
Isinkintothesafetyofhiswordsandgivehimmine.“BrandonsaidIneededtoloseweight.ThatIneededtotakebettercareofmyself,becauseIwassettingabadexampleforConnor.”
“Fuckoff.”Adamburieshisfaceinmyhair.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantosaythatoutloud.Ijust—no,I’mnotsorry.Thatguyneedstofuckrightoff.Isheforfuckingreal?”
Laughterbubblesandtensioneases.“Ilovewhenyousayfuck
.”
“Good,becauseI’mreallyfuckingmadrightnow.”
“Don’tbemadforme.”
“Toolate.Nobodyhasanyrighttotalkaboutsomeoneelse’sbody.”
“Hesaidhavingac-sectionwastheeasywayout,thatIcouldn’tusetheIhadababy
excuseanymore.”
Adamgrumblesastringofcursesunderhisbreath,andsomethingthatsoundsawholelotlike,“Giveshimthegreatestgiftofhislifejusttothrowitbackinherface,”beforehesqueezesmetighter,coversmyshoulderinkisses.“I’msorrysomebodysaidsomethingsohurtfulandcareless.You’rebeautiful,insideandout,andyoudon’tneedtochangeathing.”
Isweephiscurlsoffhisforehead,feelingtheroughstubblealonghisjawbeforeIpressmylipstohis.“Everythingiseasierwhenyou’rearound.It’seasiertolovemyselfexactlywhereI’mat,becauseyouappreciateallofme.”
“Youarethestrongest,kindest,mostbeautifulpersonI’veeverknown.HowcouldInotappreciateyou?”Heliesdown,pullingmeagainsthim,hisfaceinmyneck.“I’vebeendyingtodothissinceourfirstkiss.Thinkit’sgonnabethebestsleepI’veeverhad,andI’llneverletyougoagain.”
Idon’tthinkIwanthimto,becauseassleepthreatenstopullmeunder,lullingmetowardapeaceIhaven’tknowninages,there’sonethingIknowwithcertainty.
Thisishowyoufallinlove.CHAPTER17
BANANA-FLAVOREDDICKS
ADAM
It’s
hardtostoplookingather.
Thismorning,whenshewassnuggledbeneaththemesswemadewellintothenight.Pillowylipsthatbeggedforkissesbeneaththerisingsun,honeyfrecklesIcouldwakeuptofortherestofmylife.Beartuckedbehindherknees,refusingtoleaveherside.Thetinyboywhojoinedusinbedonceourclothesmadeitbackon,snuggledbetweenusand,likeme,couldn’ttearhiseyesoffhismamawhileshereadhimhisfavoritebook.
Andnow,asshestrollsaheadofmeandConnor,bothdogstiedaroundherwaist,herfingertipsgrazingthetrunkofeverypinetreeshepasses.She’sathomehere,intheseforestedmountains.Iseetheclarityreflectedinhermosseyesafteronlyafewminuteshere,likethefreshairliftsherfog.
Fromhisspotonmyshoulders,Connorcurlsovermyhead,wrappinghisarmsaroundit.Hislipspressagainstmyhatashesqueezestight.“Muaaah!
”
I’mnotsureI’veeverbeensolucky,andmorethanthat,I’mnotsureI’veeverfeltsoawake.Soalive
BecauseI’vebeensofuckingtired.Tiredofpeopletakingonlywhattheywant,leavingtherestbehind.Youcan’tpickandchoosepartsofpeople;youhavetowantallofthem.I’vegivenRosiethepiecesnobodyelsehaswanted,andshe’stakenallofthemwitheagerhands.
Andsomehow,thatmakesitscarier.Before,Ionlyhadmyselftolose.NowIhavetwogreen-eyedblondeswho’dtakeeverythingofmewiththemiftheyleft.Thethoughtmakesmypalmssweaty,myhandsshaky.BecauseatthecoreofmyfearisthereminderthatIhaven’tbeenhonestwithRosie.ThatI’vehiddenahugepartofmylife,allwhileaskinghertogivemeeverything.
I’vedonethiswholethingbackward.IalwaysthoughtI’dhavetoconvincesomeonetolovealltheregularpartsofmeaftertheyfellforthehockeystar.NowIhavetoconvinceherthat,beneathitall,thehockeystarisstillme
Ineedtogiveherallofme.
“CanItellyouasecret?”Iwhisper,lookingupatConnor.“Ijustwanttobegoodenoughforyoutwo,andI’mscaredIwon’tbe.ButIpromise,I’mgonnatrymyhardest.”
Hesmilesatme,thenrestshisforeheadagainstmine,pattingmycheek.“GoodDada.”
“Thanks,buddy.Ineededthat.”MyeyesfindRosie,watchinguswithadazedsmile.“Quitlookingatmelikethat,trouble.”
“Likewhat?”
Ipressmywordsbelowherear.“Likeyouwantarepeatoflastnightonmybalcony.”
Shegrins,teethpressingintoherpinklowerlip.“You’recarryingmyoffspringonyourshoulders.I’lllookatyouhoweverIwannalookatyou.”
“Admitit.Youwantroundtwo.”
“YouandIbothknowit’sroundfive,atleast.”
“Wannaseeifwecanhitdoubledigits?”
“Wannacarrymeeverywherethenextdaywhenmylegsdon’twork?”
“Wannajustneverleavethebed?”
Shegrinsupatme,tuckinghertinyhandintomine,andI’llnevergetoverhowperfectitfeelsthere,thewayourfingerstwinetogether.“Iwanna.”Shepeeksatmefrombeneathherlashes.“Soundslikeababy-freenightmightbebest.”
Myheartbeattrips.“Babyfree?”
Shewinks,twirlingoutofmyhold,anddancesofftowardthebridge,thedogschasingafterher.
“Babyfree?”Irepeat,ConnorbouncingalongonmyshouldersasIdashafterher.“Rosie!Whatdoesbabyfreemean?”
Sheignoresme,andwhenwefinallycatchupwithherandshe’sdishingoutlunchforeveryone,she’sstillwearingthatsmugsmile.
“Fuckin’trouble,”Imutter,slippingConnoroffmyshoulders.
“Whatareyougonnadoaboutit?”
Myeyesfliptohers,flashingwithheatsoferalitmakesherblush.Sherollsherlipsandturnstoherbackpack,andInabafistfulofhershirt,pullingherlipstomine.“Guessyou’llhavetofindout.”
Connorpatsourshoulders,abubblysmileappearingbetweenus.“Mama,Dada,kiss.”
Afterlunch,westrolldowntothecreek,BearandPigletflankingConnor’ssidesashewalksjustahead,hishandsburiedintheirfur.
“IthinkPigandBearhaveadoptedConnor,”Isay.
“Ithinksotoo,”shemurmurs,watchingthemwithasmile.“I’msohappyhelovesanimals.AndPiglet…”Sheshakesherhead,hersmileequalpartshopefulandsad.“She’sjustcomesofar,hasn’tshe?She’ssogreatwithyouandBear,andshelovesConnorsomuch.”
“Sheseemssoathomeoutherewithyou.”
“Withallofus.Somanyofherstrideshavehappenedsinceyoucamealong.”
“I’mgladtobeapositivepartofherjourney,butdon’tdiscountalltheworkyou’vedonewithher,Rosie.”
“I’mnot.Really,I’mnot.ButtherewasonlysomuchIcoulddoonmyown,youknow?Yes,Iworkedhardtogainhertrust,tohelpherfeelcomfortable,butwecouldn’tgethernearmenuntilyou.Andnowlookather.She’ssocarefreeouthere,sohappy.”Hopedrainsfromhereyes,leavinghergrievingafutureshe’stoldherselfshecan’thave.“She’sgoingtomakesomefamilysohappyoneday.”
IsqueezeRosie’shandinmine.“Herforeverfamilyisgoingtobesolucky.”
Rosienodsbeforefocusingonthetreesaroundus,trailingherfingertipoverthebarkofeachtreeshepasseslikeshealwaysdoes,likeshe’slookingforsomethingshelost.Sheneveroffersanyinformation,andIdon’tpress.It’sherquiettime,andI’mjustgratefulsheallowsmetotagalong.Plus,there’ssomethingrewardingaboutgivingherthetimeandspacetocometomeherselfwhenshe’sready.Itmakesmefeelworthy,andthat’safeelingI’vebeenlackingthepastcoupleofyears
“Hey.”Inudgeherside.“Iwasthinkingaboutyougettingstuckintherainyesterday.I’vegotanSUVinmygarage,butI’mprettypartialtomytruck.Whatifyouusedittogetaround?Work,errands,pickingupanddroppingoffConnor.It’dsaveyousometimeandsaveyoufromtherain.”
“Oh,no.Ican’tdothat.”
“Sureyoucan.I’mhappytolendyouoneofmycarsifitmakeslifealittleeasierforyou.”
“No,that’snotit.It’s…well…”Shetwirlsawavearoundherfingerandliftsashoulder.“Idon’tknowhowtodrive.”
“Really?”
“Ihavemylearner’spermit,butIneveractuallylearnedhowtodrive.Dadwasalwayssupposedtoteachme,but…”Sheshrugs.“Didn’tenduphavinganyonearoundtoteachme.”Shegivesmeagratefulsmileandahandsqueeze.“Butthankyoufortheoffer,Adam.That’ssothoughtfulofyou.Thebusisjustfine,andalittlerainwon’thurtme.”
Memoriesfloodmyhead,weeksspentinthedriver’sseatofmydad’sF-150whileIcreptalongquietneighborhoods,mymominthebackseat,hangingovermyshoulderandgaspingeverytimeIgotalittletooclosetoanothercar,orthatonetime
Ibumpedthecurb.MyparentswaitingformewithaposterandballoonswhenIfinishedmydriver’sexam,andthedinnertheytookmeouttoafterwardtocelebrate.Amazingmemories,butonesIdon’tappreciateenough.Becauseasimplecoming-of-ageritualIthoughteverykidhad…Rosiedidn’t.Shedidn’thavesomeonesittingnexttoher,worryingoverhowmuchgasshegavethepedal,everyover-swingofthewheel,andwhethershe’dcheckedherblindspot.Shedidn’thavesomeonewatchherpulloutofthedrivewayallonherownforthefirsttime,someonetoworryaboutwhereshewasgoingandifshewouldgettheresafely,tellinghernottobelate,textingherfifteenminuteslatertomakesureshegotthereokay.
Forthefirsttime,ittrulyhitsmehowmuchRosiemissedouton.CanIgiveherbackallofthoseexperiences?
I’msoproudofher,thisbeautifulgirl,thewayshethrivesdespitethethingsshemissedouton,thewayshepushesherselftoconquerherfearsforherson.BecausewhenConnorwantstosplashinthecreek,shetakeshishandandsplasheswithhim,andwhenhewantstowadealittlefarther,shetakesasteadyingbreathandstepsforward.
“I’mgoingtomissthis,”Rosiesayswhenwestartheadingback.Connorisfadingfast,hissmallarmsthrownaroundmyneck,headrestingonmyshoulder,hisbreathinggrowingshallowashebouncesalongonmychest.
“Summer?”
“Summer.This.Meandyou.Connor.Allthetimewehavetogether.Ihaven’thadsuchanamazingsummersince…since…”Shecloseshereyes,givingherheadasmallshake.“Schoolstartsintwoweeks,andIcan’twaittogetbacktoit,tograduate,butIknowI’llbesobusywithallmyrotations,andyou’llbebusyatwork,too,so…I’mgoingtomissthis.Theunlimitedtime.Thelazydaysandlongnights.”
Mystomachtwists,aheavylumpthatsinkstothebottomofmystomach.Twoweeks.Twoweeksleftofsummervacation,beforeRosiegoesbacktoschoolandIstarttrainingcampbeforeourpreseasongames.
Idon’twanttospendthemlyingtoher.Iwanttospendthemlovingonher,givingherallofme,gettingallofherinreturn.Iwantheratmyhomeopener.Iwantherinmyjersey,mynameonherback.IwantConnoryellingforme,callingmewhateverthehellhewantstocallme.AndIwanttomakethemproudtobeapartofmylife.
“Nothingwillchangebetweenus,Rosie.It’llbehard,yes,butwe’llfigureitouttogether.We’llstartanewroutine,andyou’regoingtoflythroughyourlastyearofschool.Beforeyouknowit,it’llbespringandyou’llbeaveterinarian.”
“That’sasscaryasitisexciting.”
“What’stheplanaftergraduation?”
Shegritsherteeth.“Ihavenoidea.”
“Oh,comeon.You,thegirlwhoplanseverything,doesn’tknow?Idon’tbuythat.”
Sheblowsoutadeepbreath,spinningaroundbeforesheswaysintomyside,holdingmyarm.“Imighthaveafewideas.”
“Spill’em,trouble.”
“Well,thelastyearisforustoexploreallthedifferentaspectsofvetmedicinesowecandecidewherewewantourspecialtytobe.So,myfirstchunkisattheschoolitself,wherewedosurgeries,emergencies,radiology,thatkindofstuff.Afterward,wegettochooseourrotations.IalreadyknowIwanttogointosheltermedicine,andI’ve
“You’regoingtobefabulous.Andtheyalreadyloveyouthere.Ican’timaginethemnotwantingtokeepyou.”
“Yeah,Ihopeso.I’dreallyloveforConnorandmetogetourownplacetoo.IknowMarcowantstomoveinwithArchie,butourapartmentissosmall.There’sbarelyenoughroomforConnorandme,letaloneanotheradult.Andthey’resoselfless,they’llneveraskmetoleave.IfIcangetajobandtuckasidethefirstfewpays,thenIshouldbeabletoaffordtogetConnorandIourownapartment,withhisownroom.”
“Ilikeyourdreams.Theysoundperfect,andIknowyou’llreachthem.Inthemeantime,wecangiveConnorhisownroomatmyplace.”
“Youdon’thavetodothat.”
“Whynot?I’vegotfour.AndIplantokeepyoutwoasmuchasIcan,soitmakessenseforhimtohavesomethingalittlemorepermanentthanaplaypenwestickinanopenroom,yeah?”
Sheblushes,nibblingherlip.“Hereallylovedthoseglow-in-the-darkstarsyouhungupforhim.”Shepeersupatme.“Thatwouldbereallywonderful,Adam.Areyousure?”
“I’mverysure.”Irollmyeyesandtipmyheadatthedogsaheadofus.“Nowgobreakthosetwoup.”
“Bear
!”Rosiedashesovertothedogs,tryingtogetminetodismounthers.“You’reneutered!Youcan’thaveBearandPigbabies,ascuteasthey’dbe!”Shestaresdownatthem,fistsproppedonherhips.“Whatarewegonnadowithyoutwo?”
IlaughquietlyasRosiehastowindbackaroundandseparatethemasecondtime,onlymomentsaftersheturnsherbackonthem.
“Weweregonnatakeyoutwoforpupcups,butnowIjustdon’tknow.”Sheshrugs,asifsheisn’tgoingtoclimbinmyfrontseat,givemethosepuppyeyes,andsay,“Weren’ttheysogoodtoday?Theydeserveapupcup,don’tyouthink?”justlikeshedoeseverysingletime.AndjustlikeIdoeverysingletime,I’llwindupwithwhippedcreamallovermyhandswhilethedogsmakeamessofthepupcupsIholdforthem.
Connorstirs,turningtotuckhisfaceintomyneck,layinghistinyhandovermyheart.Ikisshiswaves,tighteningmyholdonhim,relishingthefullnessIfeelinthismoment,righthereinthisforest.Ilookaroundatthedirt,allthetrees,theseaofgreenthatmakesthisplacesmellsofresh,andIcan’tbelievehereiswhereIfoundexactlywhatIwaslookingfor.
Atreetomyrightcatchesmyeye.It’sanold,toweringpine,justliketherestofthem,butonitsthicktrunk,thebarkismarkedwithfadedcarvings.
“Look,”IcalltoRosie,touchingthebark,theold,roughheartcarvedintoit,thethreelettersinthemiddle.D,M,R.Beneathitisaseriesofnumbersthatmakeadatefromagesago.“It’sbeenhereforthirteenyears.”
Ihearthecrunchoftheearthbeneathhershoes,thewaytheystopabruptly,thesharpintakeofbreath.IglanceatRosie,findingherhandathermouth,eyesfilledwithtears,andIsqueezeherarm.
“Hey.Youokay?”
Hereyesdon’tleavetheheartonthetree.“Youfoundit.I-I…I’vebeenlooking.Everysinglehike,forsevenyears.I’veneverbeenableto…Icouldn’tremember…”Herchestrisessharplywithastaggeredinhale,andthosetearsspilldownhercheeksbeforeshethrowsherarmsaroundme.“Youfoundit
.”
Ilookbackattheheart,andsomethingclicks.
D,M,R
.Dad,Mom,Rosie.
“You’vebeenherebefore.Withyourparents.”
Abrokensobshakeshertohercore,andsheburiesherfaceagainstmyshoulderasIrunmypalmoverherback.
“Doyouwanttotellmeaboutit?”
Rosieswipesthetearsfromhercheeksandnods.Takingherhand,Iurgeherdowntothebaseofthetree,pullingasleepingConnorintomylap.Rosierestsherheadagainstmyshoulderbeforeshetellsmeherstory.
“MyparentsandIlovedtheoutdoors.Wewerealwayshiking,camping,swimming,exploring.Anythingyoucoulddooutside,wedidit.Wespenteverysummertraveling,andwhenIwaseleven,wecamehere.WedroveacrossCanada,spenttwoweeksinAlberta,tookourtimedrivingthroughtoBritishColumbia.Andwefinishedhere.Vancouverwasmyfavorite,soweextendedourstayaweek,andwehikedthistraileverysinglemorning.”Rosielooksupatthecarving,asmileonherlips.“Onourlastday,mydadcarvedthis.Hepromisedwe’dcomebackagain,thatwe’dfindit.”Shelooksbackatme.“YouknowCapilanoBridge?Thesuspensionbridgethroughthemountains?It’scoveredinlightsallwinterlong.”
Inod.“I’vebeenafewtimes.It’sbeautiful.”
Rosiesmileswistfully.“Ibet.I’veonlyseenpictures,butitlooksincredible.Thesnow-coveredtrees,allthosetwinklylights…itlookslikemagic.Iwantedtogosobadly,butofcoursethelightsweren’toninthesummer.MyparentssaidwecouldcomebackinNovemberformybirthdaytoseeallthelights.”Herchinquiversasnewtearsbuild,slidingsilentlydownherface.“MyparentspassedawayinSeptember.Wenevergottogo.”
Cuppinghercheek,Iswipeatthetearsthatcomerollingdown.“I’msosorry,Rosie.”
“It’swhyI’mhere.WhyIchoseVancouver,eventhoughthere’sanincredibleveterinarianschoolforty-fiveminutesfrommyhometown.Becausethisisthelasttripwetooktogether.Becauseweweresohappyhere.Weweretogether,andwewerehappy.BecauseVancouver,becausehere,righthere
,iswhereIfeelmyfamily.”
Rosieclimbstoherfeet,holdingherhandouttome,invitingmetofollowsuit.Shetracestheshapeoftheheart,thedate,thatD
andM
.“Idon’twanttolosethisagain.Ican’t.Ican’tforgetwherethistreeis.”
“Youwon’t,”Ipromiseher.“I’llremember.Wecanputsomethingheretomarkit.Plantsomeflowers.”
Shegrins.“Peonies?”
Ismile,touchingmythumbtothedimpleinherchin.“Peonies.”
Rosiestaresattheheartforalongmomentbeforesheplacesherhandoverthecarving,eyesflutteringclosed.Whentheyopenagain,there’saclaritybehindthem,anewfoundhope.She’snotlostanymore;she’sfound.
Sheclutchestoherheart.“YouknowwhatIthink,Adam?Ithinkyou’retheonewhofounditbecauseyou’remyfamilynowtoo.Youfeellikeit,anyway.Youdidn’tjustfindmyfamily;Ifoundmyfamilyinyou.”
I’mgladIcangivehersomethingshe’sbeenmissing,somethingshesodesperatelycravesandsowildlydeserves.
BecauseIknow,inher,I’vefoundsomethingI’dgivenupon.
I’vefoundlove.
***
“Ithinkshe’sreadytohavesex.”
Thechatteraroundmedies,andfoursetsofeyesrisetomine.Cartertwistshistwenty-fifthOreoapart,slowlylickingattheicing,andGarrettripsopenabagofFlamin’HotFunyunsbeforestickinghishandinside,pullingahandfuloutattheliteralpaceofaturtle.Jaxonpopsthecapoffabottleofbeereventhoughhealreadyhasone,excitementgleaminginhiseyesashetipsbothbacktohismouthatthesametime,andEmmettpullsouthisphone,thesoundofhisfingersclackingatthescreenfillingthisawfulsilence.
Ahorrible,high-pitched,dyingbirdtypeofscreechfiltersintothebackyardfromCarter’skitchen,andsweetChrist,whatIwouldn’tgivetogetthatawkwardsilenceback.
“Rosie’sreadytohavesex
!”Carashrieksfrominside.“Oursweetangelbaby’sgettinghisdickwet
!”
“Jesusfuck—”IscrubmyhandsovermyfaceandlooktoEmmett.“Doessheever,youknow…not?”
Heshakeshisheadwistfully.“Never.Neverdoesshenot.Shealwaysdoes.”
“Whendoyouseehernext?”Jaxonasks,reachingforGarrett’sFunyuns.Garrettglares,tearingthebagoutofreach.
“Tomorrow.”
“Andwhatmakesyouthinkshe’sreadyforsex?”
“Well,she…we’vebeen…Imean,thingshaveprogressed,naturally.”
Garrettshovesahandfulofhissnackintohismouth.“Naturally.”
Cartertosseshiscookieintohismouth.“Soyouw-icked’ercookie.”
“Irefusetoacknowledgeyouwhenyoutalkwithcookiesinyourmouthandcallbodypartsafterthem.”
“Mehmehmehmehmeh,”hemimics,thentriestoriptheOreopackoutofmyhandwhenIgrabit.“No!Youdon’tgetmycookiesifyou’regonnamakefunofme.”
“Carter,”Oliviawarnsfrominside.“Shareyourcookies.”
Hisbrowstugsotightlytogetherwithhisfrownasherelinquishesthecookies.It’sincrediblyhardtotakehimseriouslywhenhe’swearingthatT-shirt,SupportYourLocalGirlDads
stampedonit.HemakesgrabbyhandsatEmmett,who’sholdingIreland.“Gimmemybaby.”
“No.”
“IfIcan’thavemyOreos,Ineedmyprincess.”
EmmettticklesIreland’sbelly,andshegigglesaroundthesiliconehockeyskateshe’sgnawingon.“She’shappyrighthere.Aren’tyou,angel?”
Thepatiodoorslidesopen,Oliviasteppingoutside.HergazesweepsthepatiobeforelandingonEmmettandIreland.“There’smygirl.Ineedtofeedyou,sweetheart,butIpromiseI’llbringyourightbacktoUncleEmmett,okay?”
“I’llbewaiting.”HeblowsIrelandakissandleansbackinhischair,crossingoneankleovertheother,lookingmeover.“Backtoyouhavingsex.”
“Youknowshesleptoverforthefirsttimelastweek.Andshe’sbeensaying…she’sbeensayingshewantsthisnexttimetobebabyfree.SoIthink…doyouthink…”Ibracemyelbowsonmybouncingknees.“Doesthatmean…?”
Thefourofthemleapfromtheirchairs,high-fivingeachother.
“Ay-yo
!”
“Thereitis!”
“That’stotallythesign!”Garretttellsme,sinkingbackdowntohisseat.
Carternods.“Olliealwayssaysshewantsbaby-freetimewhenshewantstogoallnightorgetsuperloud.”
“Ohforfuck’ssake.”Oliviagrowlsfrominside.“Carter
!”
Emmettclinkshisbeeragainstmine.“Lookslikeyou’rehavingsextomorrownight,bud.”
“Tomorrownight?Butthat’s…sosoon…andwhatifI…”Mythroatrunsdry,andIlickmylips.It’sbeensolong.Toolong.I’moutofpractice.AndwhatifI’mnotgood?Ilookdownatmytremblinghandsandblurt,“Myhandsaresweaty.”
Jaxonwatchesmecarefully.“SoRosie’sready…butareyou?”
AmIready?
Nobody’severaskedmethatbefore.Iguess…IguessIhadn’treallythoughtofit.Iwasneverreadybefore,butthen,noneofthosegirlswereRosie.Ijustwanttobeenoughforher.
Ileaptomyfeet,knockingtheOreostotheground,elicitingagaspfromCarter,whodivesforthem.Ishovemyfingersthroughmyhairandblurtthefirstthingthatcomestomind.“I-I-I…Idon’thaveanycondoms.”
Withhiscookiessafeonhislap,Carterrunsapalmoverhispuffedchest.“I’dgiveyouoneofmine,butit’dbewaytoobig.”
Olivia’ssnortdriftsthroughthepatiodoor.“Carter,ifanyone’staughthimtheimportanceofwearingacondom,it’syou.Everyonehereknowsyoudon’townasingleone.”
Garrettexhalesloudly,leaningbackinhischair,kickinghislegsoutinfrontofhim,restingthebackofhisheadinhisclaspedhands.“I’dgiveyousomeifIhadthem,butJennieletsmefuckherraw.”
“YeahIdo,baby
!”
“Takethatback,”Cartergrowlslowly
GarretttossesoneofCarter’scookiesinhismouth.“No.”
Emmettputshishandsup.“Don’tlookatme.MeandCaraaretryingtohaveababy.”
“What’sacondom?”Caracalls.
Jaxonsighsandrises,fishinghiswalletoutofhisbackpocket.“Igotyou,bigguy.Whatdoyouneed?Igotultraribbed,bare-skinraw,G-spot—thatone’sdesignedforherpleasure;Rosie’lllikeit—magnum,bananaflavored,fireandice—”
“Whydoyouhavesomany?”
“Youneverknowwhatshe’sgonna—”
Aloudcrashendshiswords,andweturn,watchingCarterandGarrettwrestleonthegrass.
“Isaidtakeitback!”Cartershouts,pinningGarretttotheground.
Garrettrollsontopofhim.“AndIsaidno!”
“Youstolemycookies!”
“Olliesaidyouhavetoshare!”
“Youcan’thaveunprotectedsex!Youmightaccidentallyhaveababy!”
“ProofIfuckedyoursister!Anddon’tcallyourdaughteranaccident!”
“Ireland,baby,Daddylovesyou!Youwereahappysurprise!”
Thepatiodoorslidesopen,andOlivia,Jennie,andCarastepoutside.
“Ohmy,”Oliviamurmurs,handingIrelandbacktoEmmett.
“Children,”Jenniemutters.
“I’vegotahundredbucksonGare-Bear,”Carasays.“Whowantsin?”
“Notfuckingme,”Igrumble.Garrett’sgrownawholenewsetofballssinceheandJenniestarteddating.It’salotoffuntoseehimterrorizeCarter.Also,I’velearnednottobetonCarter.Hisweddingwasaseven-hundred-dollarmistakeI’mnotmakingagain.
“Youlookfrustrated,”Oliviasaysasshetakesaseatbesideme,Carter’slostboxofOreosnowinherlap.“Youknowwhat’sgreatforthat?”
“Sex?”Iguessonanexhaustedsigh.
Shetossesacookieinhermouthandwinks.“Sex.”CHAPTER18
BEFOREIFALLAPART
ROSIE
“Rosie’sgettinglaidtonight.”
“NoI’mnot!”
“Correction:Rosie’sgettingrailedsix-feetdeeptonight.”
IglareatMarco.“Nothelpful,andnotwhatImeantwhenIsaidno.”
Hewaggleshisdarkbrows.“You’regonnabeonbedresttomorrow.Maybeallweekend.”HepropshischinonhisfistandgazesatArchie.“I’veneverseenRosiedickmatized.”
“Idon’tthinkshe’severreallybeendickmatized.”
“Hmm.Right,Brandondidn’tdeliver.Pregnancywithoutorgasmshouldbeillegal.”
“Okay,firstofall—”Iholdafingerup,onehandproppedonmyhip“—yesitshould.Second,I’vebeendickmatized!”
Archiegrinsashespoonspancakebatterintoafryingpan.“When?”
Crossingmyarms,Ipointmynosetotheceiling.“Justlastweek,whenIattemptedtodeepthroathisdick.That’stheonlywaytoexplainhowIevenremotely
fitpart
ofthatthinginmymouth.”IcapturemylowerlipbetweenmyteethasmythoughtswanderbacktoAdam’sbalcony,allthecontrolIhappilyletgoof.
“Lookatyou,”Marcocoos.“Youadorablelittleslut.You’regettingthatdicktonight.”
“I’mnotsure.Sometimesheseemscontenttokeepthingsastheyare.”
“Aguywholikestotakeitslow?Soundslikeaunicorn;menlikethatdon’treallyexist.”MarcodropsabagofchocolatechipsatArchie’selbowandpopsakissonhischeek,areminderthatheonlyeatspancakeswhenthey’reloadedwithchocolate.“Speakingoftakingitslow,whenarewegonnameetthismysterymanofyours?”
“He’snotamystery.HisnameisAdam.”
“He’samysterytous,andI’msickoflisteningtoDaddyArchielateatnight,worryingabouthissweetRosiebecausehehasn’tdoneanocularpatdownofyourboyfriendyetandclearedhimtodateyou.Whyareyoukeepinghimfromus?”
“Itoldyou,”Archiegrowls,“stopcallingmeDaddy.”
“Okay,Daddy.”
Isnicker,kissingArchie’scheek.“Ithinkit’ssweetwhenyouworry,Daddy.”
Archie’sheaddropsback,andhesighs.“Forfuck’ssake.AndI’mnotworried.Youtwohavebeenseeingeachothernearlytwomonthsnow,andwehaven’tmethim.Ijustwanttoputafacetothename.”Heflipsapancakeandshrugs.“Andmakesurehe’sgoodenoughformyRosie.”
“Haveyoumethisfriends?”Marcoasks.
“Notyet,no.”
Hefrowns.“Ishekeepingyouinhisownsecretbubbleorsomething?”
Myheartpatters.“Secretbubble?Whatdoyoumean?”
Heshrugs.“You’veneverevenbeenoutinpublic.”
“Youthink…”Mythroatdries,andIscratchit.It’snotasifIhaven’tthoughtaboutit,wonderedwhenhe’dintroducemetohisfriends.He’swiththemallthetime,andtheyseemlikefamilytohim.I’vebeenwaiting,anxiousforthemtolikeme,buttheinvitationhasnevercome.“Hedoesn’twanttobeseenwithme?”
Marcograbsmyhand.“No,Rosie.Noway.I’msorry,that’snotwhatImeant.Really,it’skindofsweet.Likehejustwantsyoualltohimself.”
“Wereallywouldlovetomeethimthough,”Archieaddswithasoftsmile.“Whydon’tyouaskhimtocomefordinnerSunday?I’msuremeetingyourfriendswillprompthimtointroduceyoutohistoo.”
Iforcethetensioninmyshouldersaway.“Yeah,okay.You’reright.I’llinvitehimfordinner.”
“Maaamaaa!
”
Ismile,startingtowardmybedroom.“Andthere’smycue.”
Connorgrinsassoonasheseesme,reachinghisarmsuphigh.“Hi,Mama,”hemurmursasIscoophimintomyarms.“Dada?”
“You’llseeDadalatertoday,honey.”
“Bear?Dada,Bear?”
Myheartdoessomethingfunny,aflutterthatdropstomybelly,eruptinglikebutterflies.
He’saskingforAdam,notBrandon.
Connor’sgrowntoloveAdamsomuch,andIcan’tblamehim.HegivesConnoreverythingheneeds,attheforefrontofthoseneedsbeingunconditionallove,patience,connection,thethingshisownfatherstrugglestogivehim.Idon’twantittobeacompetition;Iwantmychildtogetthelovehedeservesfromalltheimportantpeopleinhislife.
“UncleArchmadepancakes,”ItellConnorasIgethimdressedfortheday.“Chocolatechip.”
“Pa-cakes?”hewhisperswithwideeyes.“Wow
.”
“Rosie
!”Archiecalls.“Yourphone!Whyisthedeancallingyou?”
“What?Thedean?”
Heappearsinthedoorway,phoneinhishand.“How’dyoualreadygetyourselfintrouble?Theschoolyearhasn’tevenstartedyet.”
Itearmyphoneaway.“Inevergetintrouble.”
“Aw-chee!Pa-cakes?”
ArchieswingsConnorupintohisarms.“Comeon,littleman.Imadeyoursheartshaped.”
Iwaitforthemtoleavebeforeansweringthecall.“ProfessorMcKee?Hi.”
“HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyoutocallmeEva,Rosie?YouknowIdon’tlikelastnamesandtitles.”
“I’msorry.Ipanicked.”
Evalaughs,andIsigh,thepanicmelting.Kinda.Sorta.Notreally.Eva’sthekindofprofessoryouhopetohave.Approachable,kind.Shemakesithermissiontomakeeveryonefeelcomfortableinherpresence.Butstill,it’sAugust,she’sthedean,andshe’scallingme.Ifthatisn’treasontopanic,Idon’tknowwhatis.
“Anychanceyoucanpopbymyofficetoday?”
“Oh.”Imightvomit.
“Yeah.Totally.Ihavemysontoday.Hedoesn’tgotohisdad’suntillater.Isthatokay?”
Evapauses,andthepanicinmystomachknots,pullingtaut.“ItwouldbeforthebestifitwerejustyouandI.”
Definitelygoingtovomit
.“AmI…amIintrouble?”
“Ofcourseyou’renotintrouble,Rosie.Whatkindoftroublehaveyouevergottenyourselfinto?”
None,butthatdoesn’tmeanbadthingshaven’thappenedtome.
“Weneedtotalk,that’sall.Itwouldbebestifyouwereabletogivetheconversationyourfullattention,andIknowhowchallengingthatcanbewhenyou’vegotalittleonetokeepyoureyeon.”
Myeyesburn,andIswallowtheurgetocryasIstartmentallycatalogingalltheworst-casescenarios.“I’lldropConnorathisdad’sandcomeby.”
“Great.I’mhereuntilthree.AndRosie,trynottoworry.”
Thethingaboutanxietyisthatyouhavenocontroloveritatall.Yourbrainsensesathreat,andeveryalarminyourheadstartssounding.Thenervesinyourbodyjump,andyou’relefttryingtofighttheurgetogetupandrunwhileeveryworst-casescenarioplaysoutinyourhead.Sometimes,what’shardesttowrapmyheadaroundaboutanxietyeasy
forpeoplewithoutittojustletthethoughtsrollofftheirback,allwhileIlooklikeI’mlosingmydamnmindoversomethingsopointless.Becauseitispointless,isn’tit,toworryaboutsomethingoutofyourcontrol?Ijustwishmybraingotthememo.
MynailsbiteintomypalmstostoptheslighttremorinmyhandsbeforeIcallBrandon.Itgoestovoicemail,andwhenIcallasecondtime,heanswerswithagroan.
“I’mtryingtosleep.”
“Sorrytowakeyou.Something’scomeup.CanIdropConnoroffabitearliertoday?”
“What?When?”
“One,maybe?”
Anothergroan.“He’snotsupposedtocomeover’tilfourthirty.Theguysarecomingovertowatchthebaseballgame.”
Itrytorubtheheadachefrommyeyes.“Iwouldn’taskifitweren’timportant.”
“Whydon’tyouaskyourboyfriendtowatchhim?”Histoneissour,andIhavenopatienceforit.
“Becauseyou’rehisfuckingdad,Brandon,andfrankly,I’msickofyouactinglikeyouhavebetterthingstodothanspendtimewithyourson.NowcanIdrophimoffearly,ordoIneedtofindsomeoneelsewhocaresabouthim?”
“Jesus,Ro,whoshitinyourcoffeethismorning?”Hesighs,longandlow,likehehastothinkaboutit.“Yeah,whatever.Drophimoff,Iguess.I’mnotcancelingmyplansthough.”
“Thankyou,Brandon.”
“Youoweme.You’redroppinghimoffthree-and-a-halfhoursearly,soyouowemethosehoursback.”
Ihangupwithoutaword,becauseI’mincrediblyclosetoreachingmylimit.IthinkI’maprettypatientperson,butBrandonhasawayoftestingeverylastoneofmynerveswhenitcomestoourson.
Connorwasn’tplanned,Igetit,butit’sbeenseventeenmonthsandBrandonstillactslikeit’sachoretofatherhischild.It’sjustanotherstressortoday,andwhenI’mknockingonhiscondodoorseveralhourslater,Ican’thelpbutwanttowrapConnorinmyarmsandtakehimwithmesoIknowhe’sgettingallthelovehedeserves.
Brandonopensthedoor,abeerinonehand,nachochipsintheother.“Hey,”hetossesout,hisbackalreadytousasheheadsbacktohislivingroomwherehisfriendsarespreadoutonthefurniture.
“No,”Connorwhispers,staringupatmewithwideeyesasIstarttakinghisshoesoff.“Mama,no.”
“You’regonnahangoutwithDada.”Mysmileissofakeithurts.“Mamawillseeyoutomorrow.”
“No.”Heshakeshishead,yankingatthehemofmydress.“No.Nooo
!”
“Fuck,”Brandonmutters,scrubbingahandoverhismouth.“Herewego.Startingalready.”
Mychesttightens,andwhenConnorstaresupatmewithtear-filledeyes,myeyesfilltoo.Itakehissweetfaceinmyhands,swipingatthesilenttearsastheyfall.“IwishIcouldstaywithyoueverysingleday,honey.Thatwouldmakemymamaheartso,so
happy.You’regoingtostaywithDadatonight,andMamawillbethinkingaboutyou.WhenIpickyouuptomorrow,I’mgoingtogiveyouthebiggesthugever
soyoucanfeelhowmuchImissedyou.”
Brandonleansagainstthewall,watchingmewithdisinterest.“Youthinkyou’regonnastopsmotheringhimanytimesoon?Hedoesn’tneedyoutoexplaineverysinglethingtohimlikehe’sababy;heneedsyoutoleave.He’llforgetaboutyouassoonasyouwalkoutthedoor.”
IhavethisthingaboutfightingwithBrandoninfrontofConnor.Callitbeingamatureadultwhowantstomodelrespectfulrelationships,butIdon’tthinkairingourgrievancesinfrontofoursonisaparticularlyhealthydisplayofcommunication.Needlesstosay,BrandonandIarenotonthesamepage.
I’malsoabouttwominutesfromsnappingandpunchingmyson’sfathersquareinhistiny,uselessdick.
SoIclosemyeyesandbreathe,rubbingConnor’sarms.Itakehishandsinmineandsmile,givinghimatendersqueeze.“Mamalovesyou,andIcan’twaittoseeyoutomorrow.I’mgoingtomissyou,butIhopeyouhavesomuchfunwithDadaandhisfriends.”
“Dada,”Connorwhispers,beautifuleyessearchingmineashepointsatthedoor.“Bear.”
Ipressmylipstohistinypoutandpullhimintomyarms,hugginghimtight.“Wecanseethemtomorrow,”Imurmuragainsthisear,savoringthewayhislittlewarmbodymeltsintomine.ImanageonemoresqueezebeforeBrandonpullshimaway,leadinghimintothelivingroom.
“Hi,”Connorsaystothethreemenloungingonthecouch.HepointstotheBatmanlogoonhisT-shirt.“Ba-man?”
ThreegazesflicktohisbeforemovingbacktothebaseballgameonTV,andmyheartsinks.
Connorrootsthroughasmallbasketoftoys,pullingoutaplasticcow.Hedisplaysitproudly,grinningwidely.“Cow.Moo-moo
!”
“Theydon’twannaplay,”Brandontellshimflatly.
Connorplaceshishandonhisdad’sknee,holdinghiscowouttohim.“Ee-ya,ee-ya,bo?”
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’resaying.”
“E-I-E-I-O,”Iclarifygently,rememberingthepatienceAdamshowedhim,thewayheworkedsohardtofigureoutwhatConnorwanted,howhesanganddancedwithhimallthroughhislivingroom.“Hewantsyoutosing‘OldMacDonald’withhim.”
“Nothanks.”
Connor’sfacefallsatthesameratemyhearthitsthefloor.
Brandonpickshimupandsetshimdownintheplaypeninthecorneroftheroom,emptyingthebasketoftoysinthere.“Here.Playinhere.”
“Okay,well…”Iswallow,wringingmyhands.“Callmeifyouneedme.Bye,baby.Bye,guys.”
WhileI’mwaitingfortheelevatorinthehall,IrootthroughmybagformyphonesoIcantellAdamI’mheadingtoschool.Myhandbrushessomethingfurry,andIgroanwhenIpulloutConnor’sstuffedkitty.He’llnapwithouthiskitty,buthewillnot—nomatterwhat
—gotobedforthenightwithoutit.
IheadbacktoBrandon’s,pushingthedooropen.
“She’ssofuckin’weird,”someonesays,andmyfeetstop.
“You’retellingme,”IhearBrandonmutter.
“Alittleoverbearing,no?”
“Controllingashelliswhatsheis.Drivesmeupthefuckingwall.”
Quietlaughterringsoutasmychestheaves,myheaddippingdown.Myhandtremblesonthedoorknob,theotheronegrippingthestuffedtoysotight.
“Can’tbelieveyouhadakidwithher.”
Thewordshurt,butnotnearlyasmuchasBrandon’sresponse.
“YouthinkIchosethis?Choseher
?Shewasn’tsupposedtobeanythingmorethanacasualfuckforafewweeksofsummerfun.Youknowherparentsdiedwhenshewasakidandnobodyeveradoptedher.SometimesIthinkshepokedaholeinthecondomorsomething,justtogetthefamilyshewanted.NowI’mstuckwithherforever.Youthinkthat’swhatIwant?”
Myfingersdigintothestuffedanimal,andItrytogroundmyselfinthemoment.Feelthesoftnessofitsfur,listentothewhiroftheairconditioner,inhalethescentofthefoodspreadoutonthecounters.
Butitdoesn’twork.
Instead,Ihearthewordsinmyhead,againandagain,likethey’reetchingthemselvesthereformetoreplayatmydarkestmoments.
YouthinkIchosethis?Choseher?
Nobodyadoptedher.
NowI’mstuckwithher.
Thewordsaresharpandvicious,aknifeplungeddeepandtwistedsoforcefully.Thestuffiefallstothegroundasmyhandmovestocatchthequiverofmychin,tostiflethewoundedwhimperdrippingfrommylips.Itakeastepback,andthenanother,watchingthedoorslaminmyfacewhenIletitgo.
ImakeittotheelevatorbeforeIstarttocrumble.
***
“Areyoufeelingokay,Rosie?Youlooklikeyou’regoingtobesick.”
“I’mokay,”Ilie,wringingmyhandsinmylap.They’rewetwithsweat,shakingwiththeurgetofallapart.Ittookeverythinginmenottoonthewayhere,nottogiveintothegnawingcompulsiontocryoveramanwhosewordsshouldn’tholdanyweightatall.
Exceptinafewsimplesentences,hetouchedoneveryoneofmyinsecurities.HebroughttolifeeveryfearI’vespentyearsintherapycombatingthelegitimaciesof,andvalidatedalloftheminonefellswoop.
“Ididn’tsleepwelllastnight.AndI’vegotabitofaheadache.”Iwaveaflappyhandthroughtheair.“Thisweather,Ithink.”
ThelookinEva’seyessaysshe’snotbuyingit.“How’syoursummerbeen?”
“It’s,uh,it’sbeengreat.ConnorandI—”Squeezingmyeyesshut,Ishakemyhead.“Actually,couldwenotdothis?I’msorry.Idon’tmeantoberude,butI’mincrediblyanxiousaboutwhyyoubroughtmeinhere.I’drathergetthisoverwithsoIcanstopcatastrophizinginmyhead.”
“Icancertainlyappreciatethat.Ididn’tmeantocauseyouanxietyoverthis,Rosie,but…well,look.Tobehonestwithyou,it’snotthebestnews,sointhespiritofgettingthisoverwith,I’lljustcomerightoutandsayit.”Sherestsherelbowsonherdesk,twistingapenbetweenherfingersasshewatchesme.Shedropshergazeforonlyamoment,blowingoutasigh.“You’velostyourscholarship.”
Thehalf-assedgripIhadonmybagfails,anditfallsfrommylap,thecontentsspillingoutonthefloor.“What
?”Evarushesaroundthedesktohelpme.Iholdmyhandup,stoppingher.“No.Stop.”
“Rosie,”sheurgesgently,watchingmescrambletopickmythingsup,stuffingtheminmybag.“Letmehelpyou.”
“I’vegotit,”Isnap,emotionbubblinginmythroat.“WhatdoyoumeanIlostmyscholarship?”
“Thedonorfeltyouweren’tseriousaboutyourstudies,andtheywantedtogoinadifferentdirection.”
“Notserious
?ButI-I…I’veworkedsohardforthis!”Iscrambletomyfeet,clutchingmybagtomyheavingchest.“Iaceeverything.Istudysohard.I-I…Idon’thavealifeoutsideofschool.Ibarelyhaveanyfriends.Idon’tgoout,don’tparty.Schoolismylife
.”
“You’reanexcellentstudent,Rosie,andyouhavebeensincethemomentyousteppedfootinsidethisschool.”
“Thenhelpmeunderstand,”Iplead,myeyesburningwithtearsthatwantsodesperatelytofall.“WhatdidIdowrong?”
Evastepsforward,takingmyhand.“You’vedonenothingwrong,sweetheart.Thedonor’svalues…it’sbecomecleartheydon’talignwithyours.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Shepullsherbottomlipbetweenherteeth,likeshe’sdebatingwhethertotellme.Sighing,sheguidesmebacktothechair.“Theyweredisappointedtolearnthatyoutookanacademicbreak.”
“Anacademicbreak?ButIwasonmaternityleave.Iwasraisingmyson.”
“Theyfeltthatinchoosingtotakeamaternityleaveatsuchanimportanttimeinyouracademiclife,youdecidedwhereyourprioritieslied.”
“WeliveinCanada.”Ipressmyfingersagainsttheheadacheforminginmytemples.Ican’tbehearingthisright.“I’mentitledtoafullyearmaternityleave.”
“Youabsolutelyare.”
“I’mbeingpenalizedformakingmyson,myfamily
,mypriority?”
“Rosie,you’renotbeingpenal—”
“I’mlosingmyscholarship!”BloodthundersinmyearsasIjumptomyfeet.Theroomspins,theedgesofmyvisionblurring.“HowamIsupposedtopayforschool?OhmyGod.”Ispinawayfromher,tremblinghandpressedtomymouthasmyworldstartscollapsingaroundme,theweightoftherealizationhittingmerightinthechest.“HowamIsupposedtopayforschool?”Iwhisper.“Iusedthelastofmyinheritancetosupplementmymaternityleaveforthelastyear.I’veonlybeenbacktoworkforfourmonths.Andonlyparttime.AndIhavedaycareexpenses.I-I…Idon’thaveenoughsavedup.Notevenclose.”Achokedsobescapesmythroat,andIslapmyhandovermymouthasmystomachthreatenstoemptyitself.“OhGod.”
Ahandlandsonmyback,andthoughthetouchismeanttobesoothing,Ifeelnocomfort.
“Whataremyoptions?”
Evapauses.“I’velookedintosomeadditionalfunding,somebursaries,but,Rosie,thisclosetotheschoolyearstarting…everything’salreadybeenspokenfor.”
Ihugmybagtomychest,staringattheground.“Ideservethis,”Iwhisper.“I’veearnedit.”
“I’mnotarguingthat,butultimately,it’suptothedonor.”Shesqueezesmyshoulder.“Youcantakeayearoff.Workattheclinicandsaveup.Theteamispreparedtosaveyourspotfornextyear.What’sanotheryear?”
What’sanotheryear?
AnotheryearmeansmeworkingasmuchasIcan,longdaysandnightssothatIcancovermyrent,payfordaycare,andsomehowsaveenoughmoneytocoverthecostofvetschool.It’stwomoreyearsatArchie’sandbeingthereasonheandMarcocan’tmoveintogether,becauseIcan’taffordtomoveout.It’slesstimewithmyson,amentalbattleIhavetofaceforlettingbothofusdown,puttingourfutureonholdforanotheryear.
Slippingmybackpackontomyshoulder,Iheadforthedoor.“Thankyoufortakingthetimetomeetwithme,”Itellherquietly.
“Rosie—”
“It’sfine,”Ilie.“I’mfine.Enjoytherestofyoursummer.”
Shewatchesmeclosely,andIseetheanguishinhereyes.Shehatesthatshehastodothis,andIknowit’snotherfault.Butinthismoment,Ineedtogetawayfromher.
Shefinallynods,smilingfaintly.“We’llbeintouch.Takecare,Rosie.”
Irushthroughthehallways,bypassingtheprofessorsandfewstudentsroamingaround.Mythroatburns,atightnessthatsqueezeslikeavice.Everythingfeelsblurry,confusing,amuddledmessIcan’tseethrough.Iburstthroughthefrontdoors,steppingintothewarmsunshineandfreshbreeze,butitdoesn’thelp.Itbringsnoclarity,andIhurryaimlesslyacrosscampus,unsurewhereI’mgoing,whatI’mlookingfor.
Iwon’tfindithereanyway,right?Idon’tbelonghere.Notrightnow,atleast.
I…I’mnotsureIbelonganywhere.Andtherealizationisgutting,bucklingmyknees,threateningtowipemeoffmyfeet,pullmetotheground.
ButImakeittoabenchbeforeIfallapart.CHAPTER19
DIPSHITS
ADAM
“Isweartofuck,
Adam,ifweloseonemoretimebecauseofyou,I’mgonnalosemyshit.”
“He’sdistractedasfucktoday.”
“Leavehimalone.He’sgettinglaidtonightforthefirsttimeinforever.Thattakesalotofmentalprep.”
“I’mnot—no,I’m—that’sredic…”Isigh,myTVscreensplatteringwiththebloodofmycharacterasIdieyetagain,disappointingmyteammatesontheotherendofmyheadsetfortheumpteenthtimetoday.“Yeah,I’mdefinitelykinda-sortathinkingaboutit.”
Imean,fuckingsueme.AsEmmettsaid,it’sbeenforever.Andalso,RosieisRosie.Haveyoumether?She’sgotthekindest,mostpatientheartI’veeverknown,andbeingwithhermakesmefeelalive.OfcourseIcan’tfuckingthinkstraightrightnow.
“He’sdoingitagain,”Jaxonmutters.“Buddy,youbetterhopintheshowerandruboneoutbeforeyourgirlcomesover.OtherwiseRosie’sgonnaneedtofinishherselfofftonightwhenyoubustyournutfivesecondsafteryougetyourdickwet.”
“Fuckyou.”Definitelysqueezinginashower.
“Whattimeisshecomingover?”Garrettasks.
“I’mwaitingforhertotextthatshe’sreadytobepickedup.Shehadtogointoschooltomeetwithoneofherteachers.”MyAppleWatchvibrates,andIchuckmyXboxcontrollerinallmyeagerness.“Thisisprobablyher.”Ifrownatthenumber,swipingthecallaway.“Nevermind.Nother.”
“Whoelsewoulditbe?Doyouhaveotherfriendsyou’renottellingusabout?”Carteraccuses.
“Withyourlarger-than-lifepersonality?Idon’thaveroomforanymorefriends.”
“You’redamnrightyoudon’t.”
Thesamenumberjumpsatmefrommywatchface,andmybrowstugtogether.Idon’tknowit,butIrecognizeitasbeingthesameonethatcalledlastweekwhenRosieandConnorwereover.Ideclinethecallagainandsitforwardonthecouch,rubbingmyeyes.
“I’mgonnagetgoing.”
“He’sgonnagojackoffintheshower,”Jaxonclarifies.
“Hey,Jaxon?”
“Yeah,dude?”
“Shutthefuckup.”
“Ohshit.”Hechuckles.“Watchout,Rosie.DaddyAdam’sfeelingfierytonight.”
Itossmycontrollerandheadsettomycoffeetable,pattingBear’sheadbeforeIstand,stretchingmyarmsoverhead
“Where’sRosie,huh,Bear?”Iscoopmyphoneoffthekitchenisland.Herlasttextmessagecameintwohoursago,rightbeforeshedroppedConnoroffatBrandon’s.
Trouble
DoyouthinkI’mgettingkickedoutforbeingabadgirl?
Me
You’reagoodgirl,butifyouwannabebadlater,Icanmakesureyou’repunishedaccordingly.
WeshouldcallyouTrouble,notme.I’manangel,andyou’reabadinfluence.
Youcancallmewhateveryouwantaslongasyoureyesarerollingbackintoyourheadwhileyoudoit.
Themosttrouble,andthebaddestboy
AmIcatastrophizing?
Maybe.Butthebestofusdosometimes.I’msureit’snothing.
Ihopeso.CanIstillbeabadgirllater?
Youcanalwaysbeabadgirl,justaslongasyou’remine.
*smileemoji*Thanksformakingmefeelbetterandtakingmymindoffthis.I’llcallyouwhenI’mdone.Can’twaittoseeyou.
Ismiledownatthemessages,rubbingmyhandovermychest,thewayitpuffswithpride,withhappiness,withfullness.BecauseRosiemakesmefeelallthosethings,andit’sbeensolongsinceI’vefeltanythingbutdisappointment
Ishootoffaquicktext,askingherifthemeetingwentokay,andjumpinaquickshower.It’snotquickbecauseIdon’tjerkoff—becauseIabsolutelydo.It’squickbecauseJaxonwasfuckingright—it’sbeentoolong,andI’mwaytooworkedupoverthisgirltolastlongerthanafewminutesthinkingaboutherbodybelowmine.
There’snoresponsefromRosiewhenIstepoutoftheshower,andwhenIcallher,itgoesrighttovoicemail.Standingatmykitchenisland,Itapmytruckkeysagainstthemarble,tryingtoignoretheprickleofuneasethatmakesthebackofmyneckclammy.
“Fuckit.”ItossmyphoneinmypocketandmyhatonmyheadbeforeIheadoutthedoorandclimbintomytruck.
Somethingfeelsoff,andthecloserIgettotheschool,themoreIworry.Rosie’sphoneisstilloff,whichisn’tlikeher.Shealwayskeepsitonandclosebywhenshedoesn’thaveConnor.
Drivingslowlydowntheroad,mygazeroamsthegrounds,lookingforRosie.Idon’tknowwhatmyplanisifIcan’tfindher.Idon’thaveacluewhereshemightbeinthisbuilding,andIcan’tverywelljuststrollthroughitandhopenoonerecognizesme.
I’mabouttotryheronelasttimewhenIcatchaflashofwispyblondeandrosegoldwavesbeneaththeshadeofatoweringoak.Rosiesitsbyherselfonabench,andIknow.Iknowsomething’swrongbythedefeatedslumpofhershoulders,thehangofherhead,thewaysheclutchesherbagtoherstomach.
Ithrowthetruckintopark,cuttheignition,andrushacrossthelawnwithoutsomuchasacareaboutwhomightrecognizeme,onlythatRosie’salonerightnow,andIneedtofixthat.
“Rosie,”ImurmurwhenIreachher.“Baby,what’swrong?”
Shedoesn’tflinch,notabit,likesheknewI’dfindher.
Ialmostexpecthertosaynothing.Tositheresilently,unabletofindthewordssheneeds.
Butshedoesn’t.Shehasthewords,andshegivesthemtome.Quietly,andsoeasily,likethey’retheonlytruthsheknows.
“MyparentsdiedinahousefirewhenIwaseleven.Myhousewasdestroyed.Myentirelifewaslost.Iwastheonlyonewhosurvived,becausemydadchosetosavemefirst.Hechoseme.”Slowly,Rosie’sgazeliftstomine,andthenever-endinggriefthatshinesinhereyeslikeshatteredglass,fartoofracturedtoberepaired,rocksmetomycore.“ThatwasthelasttimeIwasanyone’sfirstchoice.”
Themurmured,brokenwordssnapthelastofmyresolve.Isinktomyknees,righttherebeforeher,andasthedambreaksandthosetearspourdownherfacelikerain,Isweepherintomyarms,clingingtoherjustasmuchasshe’sclingingtome.
***
Ican’ttakemyeyesoffher,thewayshe’ssnuggledupbeneaththequicklyfadingsunandawarmblanket,mydogcurledupatherside,refusingtoleaveher.Idon’tblamehim.She’sdifferenttonight,andshehasbeensinceIloadedherintomytruck,ditchedourdinnerplanstopickupherfavoritetakeoutinstead.She’squietanddistant,andthesilenceisear-splittingandpainfulinanearth-shatteringway.
Myworldisn’trightwithoutherlaughter.
Steppingthroughthepatiodoor,Imakemywaytoher,replacingherwineglasswithamugofherfavoriteblueberrytea.Shetakesitwithasmallsmile,red-rimmedeyespeeringupatme,andwhenIsitbesideher,shewastesnotimefoldingherselfintomyside.
Squeezinghertome,Ikissherhead.“Ithinkyoubelongrighthere.”
“Withyou?”sheasks,chinonmychest.
“Whereelse?”
Shelayshercheekovermyheart,herwordssoft.“I’vewantedtobelongtosomeoneforalongtime.Solong,I’mnotsuremybrainwillletmebelieveitnow.”
“I’mapatientman.Idon’tmindneedingtoproveittoyoueveryday.”
Rosiesmiles,andforthenextfewminutes,wesitinthepeaceoftheevening,thequietbreezerustlingthroughthetrees,thebuzzofthecicadas,thefadingsongofthebirdssettlinginforthenight.
AndthenRosietellsmeherstory.
“Iwokeupinthemiddleofthenighttomymomscreamingmyname.Mybedroomdoorwasclosed,butitfeltsowarminthere.Iremembertheglowcomingfrombeneaththecrackinmydoor.”Atearslidesdownhercheek.“Ijustthoughtthehallwaylightswereon.”
Ipullhertighteragainstme,rubherbackwhileIlisten.
“Mymomkeptscreaming,tellingmydadtogetme.Itmademescared,andIstartedcrying,callingformyparents.Thenmydadcameintomyroom.Hekneltnexttomybed,toldmetowrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandmylegsaroundhiswaist.Andhetoldmetoclosemyeyes.”Rosie’seyesfindmine,shiningwithtearsbeneaththelightofthemoon.“Ilistened.Ialwayslistenedtomydad.”
“Suchagoodgirl,”Imurmur,swipingthetearsfromhereyesbeforetheycanfall.
“Evenwithmyeyesclosed,Iknew.Icouldhearit.Feelit.Mydadheldmesotight,heleftbruises.Itwassocoolwhenheranoutside.ItwasSeptember,andtheweatherhadstartedturning.Itfeltlikesucharelieftobeoutside,butIcouldfeeltheheatatmybackasmydadkeptmeturnedawayfromthehouse.”
Rosielooksuptothesky,pullinginashakybreath.Whenshereleasesit,hertearsspilldownhercheeks.“‘Stayrighthere,’Dadtoldme.‘Don’tmove.Waitforhelp.’Hetoldmehehadtogo,thathehadtogetmymom.Iaskedhimifhewascomingback,andhelookedatmeforaminutebeforehepromisedhewould.‘Rightback,’hesaid.‘Ipromise,I’llneverleaveyou.’”Hereyesflutterclosed,andshesitsinthemoment,thememory,whileIkissherforehead,smoothbackherhairfromherwetcheeks.“Iknewhewaslying.Hewasn’tcomingback,andheknewittoo.Hekissedme,huggedmeso…so
tight.Tuckedmyhairbehindmyearandtoldmehewasproudofme.Andrightbeforehedisappearedinsidethehouse,helookedatmeonelasttimeoverhisshoulderandtoldmehelovedmeforthelasttime.”
Mychestpullstight,Ifeellikeit’sbreakingwideopenasRosieburiesherfaceinmyneckandcriesfortheparentsshelost,thegood-byesheshouldhaveneverhadtosay,notatelevenyearsold.Ipressmylipstohershoulder,overandover,anywordsthatmightmakethisbettercompletelylosttome.Isthereabetter?Ireallydon’tknow,butIdon’twanthertofeelalone.
“Hewasonlyinsideforaminutewhenithappened.Icouldhearthefiretruckscloseby.Butsuddenlytherewasaloudcrash,andeverywindowshattered.Thefrontdoorblewopen,andflamesspilledout.Iscreamed,ranthroughthegatetothebackyardjustasthetruckspulledup.Rightintimeforthebackdoortoexplode,”sheaddsonawhisper.“Itscaredme,andItripped.Overmyowntwofeet.Fellbackward,rightintoourpool.Thesuncoverwason,andIgottangledinit.Istartedsinking,andIcouldn’tgetfree.Icouldn’tfindmywayout.Ithoughtthatwasit,Adam.IthoughtIwasdying,andIjustwantedtobewithmyparents.”Rosieswipesathereyeswiththebackofherwrists,sniffling.“ThenextthingIremember,Iwaslyingonourbackdeck,andafirefighterwasgivingmeCPR.Itwasalreadytoolateformyparents.”
“Ahfuck,Rosie.”Ipullherontomylap,wrappingheraroundme,feelingheragainstme.She’shereandshe’ssolid,buttheraceofmyheartremindsmehowcloseIcametolosingher,toneverknowingher,andthethoughtisstaggering.
“Hey,”shewhispers,cuppingmyface,bringingmygazetohers.“I’mrighthere.I’mokay.”
“I’msorry,”Itry,butit’shoarse,broken.Thetwowordsaren’tenough,butthey’reallIhave.Closingmyeyes,IrestmyforeheadagainstherswhileIgetmybearings.Ituckherhairbehindherears,staringintothesweetestgreeneyesthatholdsomuchlove,compassion,strength,unendinggrief.“Idon’tthinkhewaslying,Rosie.Yourdad.Iknowitfeelsthatway.Buthetoldyouhe’dneverleaveyoubecauseheneverwill.Youcan’tseehim,Iknow,buthe’sthere.Yourmomtoo.”
“Iknowthat;really,Ido.ButIwasalone.SomanytimesIwishedI’dgonewiththem,becauseIwasleftwithnoone.Iwasallonmyown,andIwasonlyeleven.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyouwereallalone?Youhadotherfamily,right?Someonewhotookyouin?”
Shelooksatmeforalongmoment,lettingmymindwork,andIknowbeforeshetellsme.“Iwentintothefostersystem,Adam.Groupfoster.Justlikeyou.”
There’satinypartofme,thissmalllittleboywhowantstojumpforjoyataconnectionweshare,butIknow.Iknowbythelonelylookthatlivesinthecornerofhereyes,thelongingthat’salwaysthere.“Ourexperienceswereverydifferent,weren’tthey?”
Shenods,asadsmileonherface.“Iagedout.Isattherealone,yearafteryear,wantingnothingmorethantobechosen.Iwantedmyfamilyback.Iwantedanyfamily.Ijustwantedtobelong,tofeelsafe,tofeelwanted.AndI—”Shesniffles,catchingatearthemomentitdripsfromhereye.“Ididn’tunderstandwhynobodywantedme.Iwassuchagoodkid.Iwasalwayskindandrespectful.IlovedschoolandwasanA-plusstudent.Nobodywantedme,Adam.Andstill…”
“Whatdoyoumean,‘still?’”Igripherchinwhensheturnsaway,forcinghergazebacktomine.“Whatdoyoumean,‘still,’Rosie?”
Shesniffs,nibblingherlowerlip.“IoverheardBrandontodaywhenIdroppedConnoroff.Hisfriendswereover,andhesaid…hesaidhewould’veneverchosentohaveachildwithme.ThatIwasjustsupposedtobetemporaryfun,buthewasstuckwithmenow.”
“Whatafuckingdipshit,”Iaccidentallyblurt.
“It’smyownfaultforexpectingmorefrompeoplewho’venevergivenmereasonto.He’snotevenlistedonConnor’sbirthcertificate,forGod’ssake.Igavebirthalone,becausehecouldn’tstepupandsupportmeinmymostvulnerablemoments.”
“Fuckthatguy,”Ibiteout,bloodthunderinginmyears.“Rosie,fuckhim
,andfuckhisworthlessopinion.Hedoesn’tknowwhathehas,howfuckinglucky
heistohaveyouasthemotherofhischild.Yougavehimthemostbeautifulgiftintheworld,andhe’sdonenothingbuttakeitforgranted.Sofuckhim.”
“That’snotallofit,”shewhispers.“Ilostmyscholarshiptoday.”
“What?”
“Myteacher,shetoldmehe—thedonor—feltliketakingabreakformymaternityleavewasmywayofstatingwheremyprioritieslied.ThatIshould’vechosenschooloverstayinghomewithConnorfortheyear.”
Adark,bitterchuckleleavesmythroat.“You’vegottabefuckingkiddingme.That’sthemostmisogynisticbullshitI’veeverheard.Hepulledyourscholarshipbecauseyouchoseyoursonwhenheneededyou?”
“It’sjust…Foryears,nobodychoseme.Ihadnoone,andIsodesperatelywantedafamilyofmyownagain.Someonetolove,someonetoloveme.AndthenConnorcame,andbysomemiracle,Ihadit.IhadthefamilyI’dbeendreamingof.ItoldmyselfI’dalwayschoosehim,soIdid.Ichosehim,andhonestly,Ichosemyself.Becausenobodyelseeverdidit,andIwasn’tgoingtobeginmyson’slifebynotputtinghimfirst,notwhenIhavethisopportunitytotakethistimewithhim.Butnow,indoingso,I’velosttheonlythingI’vebeenchosenforinyears.”Sheshakesherhead,afurrowbetweenherbrows.“Iworkedsohardforthis,Adam.Ipouredmyheartandsoulintomyeducation,andI’veearnedthisscholarshipyearafteryear.Andnow…noweventheydon’twantme.”
“Theydon’tdeserveyou,Rosie.Nobodywhotreatsyoulikethisdoes.”Ibrushmythumboverherlowerlip.“I’msosorrythatsomebodyoverlookedyouwhenyouweregrowingup,thattheydidn’ttakethetimetoknowyou,toseehowbeautifulyourheartis.I’msorryBrandonisauselesstwat-waffle.”
Rosiesnortsalaugh,musictomydamnearsafteradaywithoutit.“What’satwat-waffle?”
“I’mhonestlynotsure,butmyfriendcallsherboyfriendandbrotheroneeverytimethey’rebeingdipshits,soitfeltfitting.”Shelaughsagain,andIsmile,tastingitfromhermouth.“I’msorryyoulostyourscholarship.Iknowhowhardyou’veworkedforit,andit’snotright.We’regoingtofigureitout,okay?Together.”
“There’snofiguringitout,Adam.Idon’thavethemoneytopayforit,bottomline.I’mgoingtohavetotaketheyearoffagainandworktosaveupforit.”
Ishakemyhead.“Nope.What’soptiontwo?”
Shelaughsagain,quietlythistime,atired,resignedsoundthatIhate.“Idon’thaveanotheroption.Ihadsomemoneyaftermyparentspassed,butIusedthelastofittosupportConnorandmeonmaternityleave.There’snootherway.”
“ThenI’llhelp.”
“Youabsolutelywillnot,”shesaysfirmly.WhenIopenmymouth,sheraisesherbrows,andIsnapitshutagain.“Youwillnot,AdamLockwood,doyouhearme?”
“Idon’twantyoutoputyourdreamsonhold,Rosie.”
“What’sonemoreyear?”shemurmurs,andthewordssoundliketheyhurttosayjustasmuchastheyhurttohear.Sheshiftsoffmylaptotheseatbesideme,pullingherkneesintoherchest.Shelookssosmall,sovulnerable,IwanttowrapherinBubbleWrapsonothingcaneverhurtheragain.“Today’sbeenastarkreminderthatI’veneverbelongedtoanyoneoranything.ThatI’veneverbeenenough,neverbeenjustrighttobeanyone’sfirstchoice.”Sherestsherchinonherknee,staringoffatnothing.“Maybeit’slessaboutbeingsomeone’sfirstchoice,andmoreaboutbeingloved,beinglovedenoughtobe
someone’sfirstchoice.Sheshrugs.“Noonehaseverlovedmeenoughtomakemetheirfirstchoice.”
“Hey.”Itakeherhandsinmine,pullingherbacktome.“We’llneverberightforeveryone,butwe’llbeperfectfortherightperson.Andwhenthatpersoncomesalong,thereisnochoice.Itjust…is.Weexistexactlythewayweare,withexactlytherightpeople,becausethereisnootherwaytobe.”
Ipressmylipstohers,andsheopenswithouthesitation,herfingersslidingtenderlythroughmyhairasshesighsagainstmymouth.
“Iwantyou,Rosie.Iwantallofyou.Andthereisnootherchoice.”CHAPTER20
SPLITTINGHERINHALF,BUTPOLITELY
ADAM
Iswear
thisbodywasmadeforme.Warmandsoft,curledaroundmetighterthanit’severbeen,gentlefingersthatdriftalongmyarms,atendergazethatdoesn’tsway.
Thisbodyisperfect,everysweetinchofit,andIdon’twanttoletitgo.
Wesitforsolongbeneaththestars,tangledlimbshuddledtogetherunderacozyblanket,Bearsprawledoutatourfeet.Rosie’sdifferentnowthanshewasbefore.Freer,likeshedoesn’tneedtohideanymore.She’sdroppedherlastwall,putitalloutthere,andnowshecanjust…be.
Sheneverneededtohide,butIunderstandthehesitancytoletsomeoneallthewayin.I’mjustthankfulI’mtheluckyfoolwhogetsallherpieces.
Shetellsmeaboutthehouseshegrewupin,bigandbeautiful,anoldVictorianwithstainedglasswindowsframingthefrontdoor,andasprawlingwraparoundporchwithaswing.Herfavoriteplaceswerethebaywindowinthelivingroomwhereshecurleduptoread,andthegardenofpeoniessheandhermomplantedoutfront.Shelovedallthecharmthehousecamewith,andtellsmethat,despitetheoldwiringthatledtotheshort-circuitingthatcausedthefire,sheonlylooksbackonhermemoriestherewithsomuchfondness.
“Adam?”RosierubsthespotbetweenBear’seyes,smilingdownathisheadinherlap.Shelooksupatme,hereyesmovingbetweenmine.“IwanttoapologizefornottellingyousoonerthatIwasinthefostersystemtoo.Iknowtheidealtimetotellyouwould’vebeenwhenyousharedthesamewithme,butwhenyoutoldmeaboutyourtimeinthesystem,Ifeltabitjealous.Youfoundthisbeautifulfamily,andIfoundnothing.Yourexperiencesoundedsowonderful,andminewassolonely.Thejealousydidn’tlast,butthenIfeltdirtyandguiltyforeverfeelingthatway,andIdidn’tknowhowtotalktoyouaboutit.Mybiggestinsecuritieswereformedduringmytimethere,andI’vespenttheyearssincetryingtocombatthem,tohypemyselfup,lovemyselfenoughsothatIdidn’thavetorelyonsomeoneelsetogiveittome.ButsomedaysareharderthanotherswhenitcomestorememberingallthestridesI’vemade.So,I’msorry,Adam.”
“Youdon’tneedtoapologizeforbeinghuman.Thosefeelingsarerealandvalid,andyoudeservedtimetosortthroughthem.”Ipressakisstoherpalm.“Thankyouforbeinghonestwithmeaboutthis.”
Westaysnuggledtogetherforanotherhalfhour,nowordsspokenasweholdeachother.She’shadalongday,sowhensheburiesherthirdyawnagainstmyarm,Ishiftheroffmylap.
Standing,Iholdmyhandouttoher.“C’mon,sweetheart.Let’sgotobed.”
Beardoesn’tmakeitpastthelivingroombeforechoosingtopassoutonthecouch.IkeepRosie’shandinmineaswemovesilentlythroughthedarkhouse,andwhenshedisappearsintomybathroomtogetreadyforbed,shedoessowithakissonmylipsfirst.
Istripdowntomyboxerbriefsandplugmyphoneintothecharger.I’vegotnineteenmissednotifications.Twoaremorecallsfromthatunknownnumber;theotherseventeenaremyPuckSluts
groupchat.Garrett’ssentfoureggplantemojis,fourpeachemojis,andeightquestionmarks.EmmettsaysCarawantstohaveanothergirls’nightsotheycananalyzeourfirsttime.JaxonwantstoknowhowmanyofhiscondomsIused.Carterwantstoknowifwehadpost-sexsnacksinbed.Apparently,that’shisandOllie’sfavoritebondingtime.
I’mtooexhaustedtodealwithanyofthem,sowhenthebathroomdooropens,Iturnmyphonerightoff.
“Readyforbe—ahhh.You’renaked.”She’sfuckingnaked
.Ishovemyhandthroughmyhair,thengestureatRosie’sbeautiful,full,nakedbody.“Youare…reallyfuckingnaked.Fuckingspectacular,too,incaseyouwerewondering.Also,naked.”
Myfavoritebrandoftroublegiggles,thatadorablenosecrinklingwhenshedoes,herhandswringingatherstomach.Shestepsforward,andmyeyesbouncefromherimmaculatetitstotheswingofthoseroundhips.Christ,she’sflawless.HaveIalreadysaidthat?
“Canconfirm,Iam,indeed,naked.Incaseyouwerewondering.”There’sahintofmischiefinhereyesthatshinessobright,hidingnearlyallthenerves.“Wouldyouliketogetnakedtoo?”
“Well,I…I…”Irubthenapeofmyneck,thenpointatthebed.“Todonakedstuff?”
Rosienods.“Todonakedstuff.Ifyouwantto.”
“Idon’twanttotakeadvantageofyoufeelingvulnerable.”
“Iamfeelingvulnerable,butnotinabadway.Ifeelsafe,Adam,andit’sfreeing.Tonightmademefeelclosertoyou.MaybeIdroppedmylastwall.”Hershoulderpopsupanddown.“Idon’tknow,butIfeelgood,andbeingwithyoumakesmefeelevenbetter.”
Iswallowthelumpinmythroatwhenshestopsinfrontofme.“BeingwithyoumakesmefeelbetterthanI’veeverfelt.”
Shetakesmyfaceinherhands,hersmooth,warmtouchglidingalongmystubbledjaw.“CanIkissyou?”
Myheartthunders,andIgiveherthemostarticulatedwhisperedresponseIcanmanage.“Duh.”
Shebeams,themostincredible,breathtakingsight,andguidesmyfacedowntohers.ThiskissiseverythingRosie.Patientandslow,softbutconfident,thegentlewayherlipsmoveonmine,hertonguesweepingmymouthwithcertainty,fingersglidingintomyhair,siftingthroughthecurls.Itsettlesmyheartandsendseverynerveendingracingatthesametime.
“You’reshaking,”Rosiemurmurs,headcockedasshewatchesme.“You’renervous.”
“No,”Ilie.“Noway.I’mtotallypreparedandsuperexcitedandnotatallnervous.Look!”Dashingtomybedsidetable,Iyankopenthedrawerwithmysuper-steadyhands.“Ievengotallthese.”IholdupthemassivewadofrubbersJaxonshovedatmychestyesterday,wavingtheminRosie’sface.“Condoms!”Istartsortingthroughthem.“Ultraribbed,bare-skinraw,bananaflavored,mag—”
“Adam.”Rosielaughs,placingherhandovermineandmygiganticcollectionofcondoms.“Whythehelldoyouhavesomany?”
Myfaceburns,andIcanfeelmyheartbeatinmythroat.“Myfriendgavethemtome.”
“Hereallylikeshisvariety,doesn’the?”Rosiepicksthroughtheassortment,settingoneaside,tuckingtherestaway.Withasmilesosure,socertain,shestepsuptome,andmybrainshort-circuitsasIstaredownateverythingI’vewanted,cravedforsolong.She’sfinallyhere,thisincrediblewomaninfrontofme,andpartofmeisterrifiedtoreachoutandtakeit.Itfeelslikethere’snoturningbackafterthis,butwhatifshewantsto?WhatifshedecidesI’mnotenough?
“Ikeeptrying…”Iswallow,shakenbythenervesrollingoffmewhileRosiestandstheresosureofthis.Shetakesmyhandsinhers,steadyingthetremorinmyhandswhenshesqueezes.“Idon’tmeantorushyou.I’mtryingtotakethingsslowwithus.”
“Doyouwantslow?”
Myeyesmovebetweenhers,hopingsheseesitall.Thecommitment,theawe,allmybestintentions.“Iwant…you.Ijustwantyou,Rosie.”
“Youhaveme,Adam.Idon’tfeellikewe’verushedanythingormovedtooslowly.Everythingfeelsright.”Shebrushesmycurlsfromhisforeheadbeforepressingherlipstomine.“Veryright.”
Andmaybethat’sexactlywhatIneededtohear,thatI’mjustright
forher.Becausethetensionstackedinmyshouldersdissolves,andasIstandtaller,mychestswellswithpride.
“Ah,”Rosiemuses.“There’sthatsmirk.Onepartplayful,twopartscocky.”SheslingsherarmsaroundmyneckasIyankherintome.“JustthewayIloveit.”
“Youknowwhatelseyou’regonnalove?”Mymouthmovesoverhershoulder,upherneck,pausingattheshellofherear.“ThewayIfuckyou.”
Rosie’sfingernailsbiteintomyshouldersasIwalkherbackward.Thebackofherthighshitthebed,andwithmyhandonhercollarbone,Iforceherdowntothemattress.Herwideeyesfollowthepathofmyhands,downtothewaistbandofmyboxerbriefs,andwhenIlosethemonthefloor,shelicksherlips
“God,Ikeepforgettinghowbigyourcockis.I’malmostcertainthisisgoingtohurt.”
“I’llbegentle,”Ipromise.“I’lltrytobe,atleast.”Trailingmyfingerupherthigh,Iwatchherskinpebblewithgoosebumpsbeforeherlegsfallopentome,lettingmestepbetweenthem.“Wecanstayinbedalldaytomorrowandeathotfudgesundaeswhileyourecover.”
“Careful.Serveagirlhotfudgesundaesinbed,andshejustmightfallinlovewithyou.”
“Notetoself,”Imurmur,reachingdowntogripthebackofRosie’sneck,hoistinghermouthtomine.“ServeRosiehotfudgesundaesinbed.”
Steppingback,Ifistthebaseofmyhardcock,takingamomenttoappreciatethescarletflushcreepingoverRosie’sbody,thewayitmakesmehotfromtheinsideout.
“Feetflatonthebed.Letmeseehowwetthatpussyis,gorgeousgirl.Showmeyou’rereadyforme.”
Shedoesn’thesitate,proppingherselfuponherelbows,spreadingherlegswideforme.Thesightisglorious,herdelicateskinadustyrosecolor,glisteningandneedy,beggingtobetouched,tasted.Istalktowardher,andherpupilsdilateasshescurriesbackward,uptothepillows.Igrin,grabbingholdofherankles,draggingherbeneathmeasmykneeshitthebed.
“Getbackhere,”Imurmur,fingersslidingintothehairatthenapeofherneck,grippingit,tiltingherchin.“Can’ttasteyawayupthere.”
Iclaimhermouthfirst,becauseIlovethewaysheletsgoagainstme,releasesthatbreaththatseemstoholdeverylastbitoftension,likeshemeltsjustforme.WhenIglidealongherjaw,trailwetkissesdownherthroat,herbreathhitches.Ipalmherhip,squeezingthesoftfleshinmyhandasItakeonerosynipplebetweenmyteeth,draggingmytongueacrossitwhileshewrithes.
“Adam,”shewhimpersasmymouthmoveslower,acrossherstomach,swirlingmytonguearoundherbellybutton,nibblingonherhipbone.
“Yeah,baby?”
“I…I…”Shecoversherfacewithherhands,hipsliftingoffthebedwhenItracethejunctureofherthighswithmytongue.“Ohfuck.”
Isettlebetweenherlegs,hookingmyarmsaroundherhips.“Youtryingtosaysomething?”
“I…I…”Brightgreeneyesbouncebetweenmine.“Ijust…”Sheswallows,thesimpleactionaudible.“Ireallylikeyou.”
“Ireallylikeyoutoo.Wantmetoshowyouhowmuch?”
“Please.”
“’Kay.”Withmyeyeslockedonhers,Ilickaslowpathupthecenterofher,watchingasshetossesherheadbackwitharoughmoan.Herfingersplowthroughmyhair,andwhenIpullherswollenclitintomymouth,shebucksagainstme,cryingoutmyname.
“More,”shepleads.“God,givememore,please.”
“Itoldyoubefore.JustAdamisfine.”
Herheadrollsbackward.“You’reinfuriatingsometimes.”
“Ifit’syouI’minfuriating,I’llgladlydoitfortherestofmylife.”
RosiecomesalivewhenIpushtwofingersinsideher,andshit
,ifthatisn’tastunningsight.
Shekeepsonehandinmyhairasshegrindsagainstmyface,ridesmyfingers,abrilliantflushstainingherimmaculateskin,crawlingupherthroatlikeavine,poolinginhercheeks.Hersoftpinkwavesgrazeherslenderneck,fullredlipspartedasshestrugglestobreathe,eachoneastrangledcryasshechasesherhigh.
Icurlmyfingersinsideher,pullingagaspfromherthroat,andsuckherclituntilshecomesundone,spillingallovermewhilemynameringsinmyears.
Rosiesitsup,scramblingtotheheadofthebedasIheadtothebedsidetable,grabbingthecondomshepickedforme.Magnum
Ifuckingloveher.
IholdherwidegazeasItearthewrapperwithmyteethandsheathmythrobbingcockinonefluidmovement.Mykneeshitthemattress,andIcrawloverher,cuppinghercheekassheliesdown.
“You’resure?”Iaskquietly.
“Sosure.”
“Good.BecauseI’msosureaboutyou.”
Shesmilesatmethen,freeandgentle,andIknowI’mgoingtorememberthewayIfeelrightnowfortherestofmylife.
Rosiewrapsherfistaroundmycock,guidingitbetweenherthighs.Despiteallherconfidenceinthisbedroomtonight,Ifeeltheslightquiverinhertouch.Itakeherhandoffme,insteadholdingitinmine.
“Hey,”Imurmur,smoothingherhairoffherface.“It’sokaytobenervous.Iamtoo.”
“It’sbeenalongtime,”sheadmitsonawhisper.
“Formetoo.ButI’mgladforthat.ItmeansIwaitedforsomethingspecial.You’remysomethingspecial,Rosie.”
Shetipsherchin,runningthetipofhernoseagainstminebeforekissingme.“I’mready.”
Igripmycock,pressingitagainsther.MychesttightensandmyheartbeatleapstomythroatasRosieholdsmygaze,andslowly,soslowly
,Isinkinsideher.Hermouthopensonagasp,fingernailsscoringmyshouldersasshetensesbelowme.
“I’msorry,”Iwhisperagainstherneck,holdingmyselfstill.Mybodytrembleswiththedesiretoplungeforward,tofeeleveryinchofhersqueezedsotightaroundme.
“Idon’twantthistogotoyourhead,butitfeelslikeI’mbeingpolitelysplitinhalf.”
Ichuckle.“AslongasI’mdoingitpolitely.”
Sheliftsherhips,urgingmedeeper.Isqueezemyeyesshuttotheoverwhelmingeuphoriaasshetakesmetothehilt,pausingtheretoadjust.
“Christ,Rosie.”Idropmyforeheadtohershoulder,strugglingtoholdontomysanity.“You’resofuckingtight.”Slowly,Irockmyhipsagainsthers.“Isthatokay?”
“Yes,”shemoans,matchingeachrockwithoneofherown.“Please,more.”
Igivehermore,pullingoutbeforeIsinkbackinside,inchbyachinginch,carefulnottopushher.Shetakesitall,openingherlegswider,liftingherhipshigher,andIgripherchinasIdrivealittledeeper,alittlefaster.
“Suchabeautifulgirl,takingallofme.You’redoingsogood.”
Hazyeyesrolldowntomine,pinktongueswipingacrossherswollenlips.Shetossesonearmaroundmyneck,pullingmecloser,theotherstrewnhaphazardlyaboveherheadasshemeetseveryoneofmythrusts.“Sogood,”shemumbles.“Soperfect.Don’tstop,Adam.Please.”
Idon’tthinkIcouldstopifIwantedto,butifsheaskedmeto,I’dfindaway.I’dgiveheranything,whatevershewants,becauseasshestaresupatmelikeI’mthesuninhersky,Irealizeshe’smine.She’severythingbrightandgoodinmyworld,andinthismoment,I’msofuckingthankful.Thankfulforanexthattreatedmewrong,becausesheshowedmewhatIdeserved.Thankfulfordatesthatwenttoshit,becausetheyshowedmewhatIwanted.Thankfulforeverysinglethingthathasn’tworkedoutthewayIwisheditdidatthetime,becauseallofit—allthebullshit,thebrokentrust,thehurt—ledmerighthere,tothisincrediblewomanbelowme,theonlyoneIwantatmyside.
Andtheknowledgemakesmeferal.
Somethingcomesoverme.Somethingdarkandhungrythatwantstoclaimthiswomansoeveryoneknowsshe’smine.Myhandgoestoherthroat,closingaroundit,draggingherdruggedgazetomineasIgrowloutmynextwords.
“Youwannabelongtosomeone,Rosie?Youbelongtome.Theseeyesareforme.Thissmileisforme.Thisheart?Allmine.”Idragmyhanddownherside,overherhip,diggingmyfingersintoherassasIbringhercloser,drivemyselfdeeperanddeeper,untilthere’snowherelefttogo.“Thesehips.Thisass.Thisfuckingpussy?Mine
.Allofyoubelongstome,Rosie.”
“Ohfuck
,”shecries,squeezingmetighter.“Adam,I’mgonnacome.”
“Notyet,you’renot.Notuntilyoutelleveryonewhoyoubelongto.”Ihikeherlegup,tossingitovermyshoulder.ShecriesoutasIplungedeeper,andthankfuckingfuck
Itookthatshower,becauseI’maboutthirtysecondsfromblowingmyload.“Whodoyoubelongto,Rosie?Bettermakeitcount,’causeI’monlygonnaaskonce.”
Hereyeswiden,legstrembling,andwhenherheadfallsback,Igrabherhairandbringhergazerightbacktomine.Herwallsshake,andthefasterIthrust,themoreshetearsatmyshoulders.Mythumbfindsherclit,andsheexplodesaroundmewithacry,screamingmyname.
“You
,”shecriesasIburymyfaceinherneck,combustinginsideher.“Ibelongtoyou.”
Crushingmymouthtohers,Ihaulherslickbodyagainstmineandreachforanothercondom,becauseI’mnotfuckingdone.Notwithher,andI’mgonnamakesuresheknowsit.
“You’renotmyfirstchoice,Rosie.You’retheonlygoddamnoption.”CHAPTER21
WEUSEDSEVENCONDOMS
ADAM
I’vethought
aboutfatealotinmylife.
Recognizedthatifmyfirstmotherhadn’tmadethedecisiontonotraiseme,ifmygrandmadidn’tdie,Iwouldhaveneverfoundmyparentsandtheincrediblefamilywhochosetoloveakidtheyhadzeroobligationtolove.Withoutmyfamily,Ilikelywouldn’thavebeenabletofollowmydreamtobeaprofessionalhockeyplayer.Hell,Idon’tknowifIevenwouldhavehadthedreamatall.
IfIhadn’tbeendraftedtoVancouverandrelocatedtoCanadafromColorado,Iwouldhaveneverfoundmybestfriends.
IfIdidn’ttravelforhockey,Imightnothavecomehomefromatwelve-dayroadtriptofindmygirlfriendfuckinganothermaninourbed.
IfIhadn’tcaughtCourtneycheatingonme,Iwouldhaveneverforcedmyselftoleave.
IfIhadn’tforcedmyselftoleave,Iwouldn’thavebeenonthattrailthroughMountFrommenearlytwomonthsago.
IfIhadn’tbeenonthattrail,Iwouldn’thavefoundtheverybestandbrightestthinginmyworld.
Ithinkaboutfatealot.IthinkaboutalltheshitthingsI’vehadtoovercometogettowhereIamnow,thehappiestIcanremembereverbeing,withasweetlittlebeautytuckedintomyside,herflushedcheekrestingonmyshoulder,softhandsplayedovermystomach.Iwouldn’thavethesefreckles,deliciousflecksofhoneysprinkledoversun-kissedskin.Notthisnosethatcrinklesinthesweetestwaywhenshe’stryingnottosmile,thesewide,plushhipsthatdemandmyeyesfollowthemeverywheretheygo,thisbrilliantsmilethatmanagestoturnmywholedayaroundandgivemehopeforafutureI’dgivenupon.
I’velearnednottoaskwhy,butIfindmyselfalwayswonderinghow.HowthehelldidIfindmyselfhere?HowdidIgetsodamnlucky?HowdidIfindher,andhowdoImakesureIgettokeepher?
Thicklashesflutter,andsleepymosseyesblinkupatme.Ashysmiletugsuponesideofhermouthfirstbeforegivingwaytoabrilliantexplosionthatthisperfectgirltriestohidebyburyingherfaceinmychest.
“Whyareyoustaringatme?”Rosiemumblesagainstme.
“Whyareyouhidingfromme?”
“Iaskedyoufirst.”
“Iaskedyousecond.”
Sheliftsherface,hairawonderfulmess,playfulgazenarrowed.“You’reannoying.”
Chuckling,Irollherontoherbackandsprawloutontopofher,holdingherwristsaboveherhead.“Idon’tknowhowIfoundyou,butIdon’twanttowastemytimewondering.Ican’tbelieveIjuststumbledonyouonanormalday,thatyouwalkedintomylifeanddidn’tturnaroundandwalkrightbackout.Idon’twanttoknowhoworwhyIgotsolucky;IjustwanttoacceptthatIdidandneverquestionit.
“Idon’twanttowastemytimeaskingpointlessquestions,imaginingalifewhereyou’reanywhereotherthanrightnexttome.Iwanttospendmydaysgivingyoutheloveyou’vealwaysdeserved,thekindyou’vedreamedof,andIwanttoshowyouhowthankfulIamforgivingitbacktome.You’remine,Rosie,andI’myours.That’sallIneedtoknowThat’swhyI’mstaringatyou.”
“Oh.”Shetiltsherchin,sweepingabreathlesskissacrossmylips.“Guessthat’sokaythen.”
“Mmm,youguess?Well,Ican’thaveyouguessing.Needtohaveyoucertain.”
“Andhowdoyouplanondoingthat?”
Itrailmynosedowntheslopeofherneck,thenlower,untilIcancupherfullbreastinmyhand,twirlmytongueoverthattaut,duskybud.Myfingertipsglideoverthedipinherwaist,pushtheirwaybetweenherlusciousthighs,plungingintoapoolofheat,wringingacryfromherthroat.“Byfuckingitintoyou.”
“Weonlyhaveonecondomleft.”
Sittingbackonmyheels,Igrabthelastsealedwrapperfromthepileoftornonesonthetable.IliftabrowandsheathmycockasRosiewatches,captivated.“Bettermakeitcountthen,huh,trouble?”
Thenamedoessomethingtoher,makeshercomealivewithconfidence,maybe.Becauseshegetsthiswickedgleaminhereyes,tryingandfailingtobitebackhersmirk.Sheclimbstoherknees,herpalmhittingmychestasshepushesmedowntomybackandstraddlesmyhips,trappingmycockbetweenherwetpussyandmystomach.
“Lookatyou,”Imurmur.“Sosexywhenyou’retakingcontrol.Areyougonnasitonmycock?”
“Idon’tknow.Teasingyoumightbefun.”
“Teasingme?”
“Mhmm…”Onehanddisappearsinherhair,theotherbracedonmyabsassheslowly—sofuckingslowly
—slidesalongthelengthofmycock,rightuptothehead,andthenback,soakingme.“Teasingyou.”
“Rosie,”Iwarn,grippingherhipswhenshedoesitagain,grindinghertoahaltatthetipofmycock.“I’mnotalwayspatient.”
“Butyou’realwayskind.”
Ipushuponmyelbow,bringinghermouthtominewithafistfulofherhair.“Don’tmistakemykindnessforweakness.I’llputyouonyourhandsandknees,burymyselfinsideyouandfuckyoufrombehinduntiltheonlywordyourememberismyname,andyoucanfeelmeevenwhenwe’renottogether.”Inipherlowerlip.“I’mweakforyou—sofuckingweak
—butthebedroomisthelastplaceyou’llseeit.”
Rosiegrins,smugandproud,beforeshetakesmycockinonehand,pushingmebackdownwiththeother.Shesinksdownmylength,amagnificentsightasherheadlollsbackward,lipspartingonalow,longgaspwhileeverythinginsidemelightsuplikeapinballmachine,beggingmetotakecontrol.
“OhGod.Thisis…”Sheshifts,rockingforward,andfallsforwardwithawhimper,nailsbitingintomychest.“Yep,thisisit.Myfavoriteofyourcollection.Tellyourfriendthanks.”
Ipickupthecrumpledwrapper,chucklingwhenIreadit.G-Spot,ForHerPleasure.
IopenmymouthtotellherI’mnotgoingtotellJaxonshit—it’llgorighttohishead—butshepicksherselfupandsinksdownasecondtime,deeperthistime,seatingherselfallthewayonmycock,andItossmyheadbackwithalowgrowl,fingersdiggingintoherhipswithapunishinggrip.
Rosieleansover,wavesfallingaroundourfaces.“Ilikeyouweakforme,”shewhispers.“I’mweakforyou,too,except,somehow,Ifeelsomuchstrongerwithyou.”Hersofthandgrazesmycheek,andshepresseshermouthtomine,coaxingitopen.“Thankyouforbuildingmeup,formakingmefeelsafeenoughtobemyself,forbeingthetypeofmanI’msoproudtohavemysonlookupto.Thankyouforbeingyou,Adam,exactlyasyouare.”
Fatehastakensomuchonlytograntmesomanyinvaluablethingsinthislife.AndasmuchasI’vetriednottoquestionit,tosimplytakewhatitgivesme,I’dbelyingifIsaidIdidn’tsometimesquestiontheprocessofgettingthere.
BecauseifCourtneyhadlovedmeexactlyasIwasanditstilldidn’tworkout,Iwouldn’thaveliedtoRosieaboutwhoIam.
ButCourtneydidn’tlovemeforwhoIwas.
AndIdidlie.
AndRosiehasnoideawhoshe’sreallydating.
Butthisisn’tfate’sfault.It’smine.
***
“Didyouusethemall?”
“I’mnottellingyouhowmanytimeswehadsex.”IfIwerebragging,though,I’ddefinitelybetellingmyfriendsthatit’samiraclemydickisstillattachedtomybody,andthatI’mnolongeratriskofdevelopingprematurearthritis.Idon’tfeellikebraggingthough.I’mnervous,andmystomachhurts.
Jaxonwagshisbrows.“Soyoudid
havesex.”
“What?No,I—ugh.”Icrossmyarmsovermychestandlookaway.IfIdon’tmakeeyecontact,there’sabetterchanceofmenotspillingthejuicydeetseveryonekeepsaskingfor.“Shutup.”
“I’mnotaskinghowmanytimesyouhadsex.I’maskingifyouusedallthecondoms.”
“Tellingyouhowmanycondomsweusedtellsyouhowmanytimeswehadsex.”
Carterwinks.“Unlessyouwentinbareafteryouranout.”
“Ididnot.”
“Youfucker,”Jaxonmuses.“Youdid
useallthecondoms.Jesus,that’s,like,sixtimes.”
“Seven,”Imumble,ignoringCarter’shandwhenheholdsitupforahighfive.Heresortstohigh-fivingGarrett.“Butthelastonewasthismorning.”Ipointatthetwoofthem,shovingtheirhandsintoaboxofOreos.“Ifyoutwodon’tstopeating,you’regonnabecoveredincookiecrumbsforyourinterviews.”
Garrettfrownsathishandsbeforewipingthemonhispants.Carter,ontheotherhand,crunchesanothercookiebetweenhisteethwhilelookingmedeadintheeye.
Irollmyeyes.“Idon’tgiveafuckwhatyoulooklikeinyourinterview,butIknowforafactOlliedressedyouinthatoutfitthismorning,andifit’scoveredincrumbs,it’sgonnabeyourass.”
“IcanhandleOllie,”hesays,lickinghisfingers,andIsnortalaugh.
“Okay,bud.Let’spretendyourfive-footwifedoesn’thaveyourballsinavice.”
Hejabsmeintheshoulder.“Five—”jab
“—foot—”jab
“—one.She’sjustgotsuchapowerfulpersonality.Youknowshe’sgotthoseteachereyes.”Hepointstwofingersaggressivelyathiseyes.“Seeseverything.Anddon’tgetmestartedonthatteachervoice.Turnsmeonandscaresthefuckouttameatthesametime.”Hesetshiscookiesdown,dustshishandsoff,adjustshisjunk,andfrowns.“GuessI’llputtheseawayfornow.”
Emmetthopsoffthestoolhe’sbeensittingonforthelasttenminutes,shakinghandswiththesportsjournalistwho’sbeeninterviewinghim.Hiseyeswidenwithhisgrinashejogsovertous
“DidIhearyousayyouwentthroughseven
condomslastnight?Cara’sgonnalosehershit.Shesaysyou’vebeenignoringhermessages.She’supsetwithyou.”
Groaning,Ipullmyphoneoutofmypocket.I’vegottwenty-threenotifications,andallofthemarefrommygroupchatwiththegirls.
Olivia
Whyisheignoringus?
Cara
Weknowwhereyoulive,Lockwood.NobodyignoresCaraBrodieandlivestotalkaboutit.
Jennie
OurmandefjourneyedtoPussyPalacelastnight.Might’vegottenlosttheretoo.
Olivia
Ijustwannaknowifshetreatedyouright.
Oh!Didyoutrythatmovefromtheaudiobook?Youknowthescene,whereshe’sonherhandsandknees???
Jennie
IfeellikeAdam’safreakbetweenthesheets.It’salwaysthequietones,youknow?
Cara
Ifwedon’thearfromyouinthenexttenseconds,Icannotbeheldresponsibleformyactions.Doyouhearme,Lockwood?I.CANNOT.BE.HELD.RESPONSIBLE.FOR.MY.ACTIONS.
Thismotherfuckerisgoingdown.
Jennie
**Rosie-fucker
ItuckmyphoneawaylikeI’vebeendoingallday,becauseIcan’tdealwiththesethreerightnow.MyheadhurtswhenIthinkaboutRosie.ItmeansacknowledgingthemistakesI’vemade,thewaysI’vefailedher,andI’mnotsureI’mreadytofaceaversionofmewho’sbeenanythingotherthanhonest.
Scrubbingahandovermymouth,Ispinawayfrommyfriends,tossinganexcuseovermyshoulderaboutneedingsomeair.I’mnotsurprisedwhenIhearthedooropenbehindmeafewsecondsafteritcloses,butIamalittlesurprisedtoseeJaxontakeaseatbesidemeonthebenchoutfront.
Hehandsmeabottleofwater.“Youokay?”
“Yeah.Fine.”
Hehuffsalaugh,lookingdownathisfeet.“Youknow,Isuckatrelationships,butwhenawomansaysshe’sfine,she’salmostalwayslying.”
“I’mnotawoman.”
“Butyou’renotfine,either,areyou?”
Iglanceatmyfriend,theeasywayhesitsthere,likehedoesn’thaveacareintheworld.“Doyoureallywanttoknow?”
“Sure.I’mhere,aren’tI?Plus,youlooklikeyou’regonnapuke,soyoushouldprobablydoitbeforeyougetbehindthatcamera.”
Bracingmyelbowsonmythighs,Ifocusonthewaterbottleinmyhands,pickingmindlesslyatthepaperlabel.“I’minlovewithRosie.”
“Yeah,Ifiguredthatmuch.Youtalkaboutherallthetime,andyou’reconstantlygrinningatyourphonelikeahighschoolgirltextinghercrush.OrCartertextingOlivia.GarrettandJennietoo.”Hesighs.“AndEmmettandCara.Youguysallsuck,tobehonest.”
Ilaughbutfinishwithasigh,draggingmyhandsthroughmyhair.“Ireallyfuckedup,man.”
“WithRosie?Ithoughtlastnightwentwell.”
“Itdid.Itwasgreat.Perfect.She’s…she’sfuckingperfect.It’sjust…somethingchangedlastnight.Sheopenedupaboutsomeseriousstuff,somevulnerableshitthat’sjust…awful.Notfair.Shehasn’thadaneasylife,andshesatthereandtoldmeallaboutit.”
“Areyoufeelingbadabouthavingsexafterthat?Becauseshewasvulnerable?”
Mykneebounces,andIsqueezethewaterbottle.Thewordsareonthetipofmytongue,butIkeeptryingtoswallowthemdown.I’veneverbeensocareless,soselfish,andIcan’tacceptthattheonetimeIwas,itwastosomebodywhomeanssomuchtome,somebodyI’veneverwantedtohurt.“I’mfeelingbadbecauseshe’sgivenmeeverything,andIliedtoher.”
Jaxonhesitates,thenhangshishead.“Youstillhaven’ttoldher.”
“No.”
“Dude
.”
“Iknow.Fuck.”Idropmyexhaustedfacetomyhands.“Fuck
,I’msuchanasshole.Ifeelsickaboutit.It’sgoneonsolongnow,waylongerthanIeverplanned.”
“Why,man?Why’dyouletitgetthisfar?Fuck,Adam,youcould’vebeenoutedbyanyoneatanytime.Trainingcampstartssoon,andthenpreseasongames.Whatwereyougonnatellherwhenyouwereoutofthecountry?”
Mystomachchurns.“Iwasjust…scared.Fuckingterrified.BeingAdamLockwood,NHLgoalie,hasbroughtmenothingbuttrouble.Ijustwantedtobeme.Andthat’sallIwastoRosie.I’veneverhadtoworryaboutherwantingmeforanythingotherthanme.Neverhadtoworryaboutherlyingtomakemelikeher.Itwaseasy.Fuck,itwasjust…nice
.”
“Igetit,Adam,Ido.Butyourealizethateverythingyouwereworriedaboutherdoingtoyou,youturnedaroundanddidtoher,don’tyou?Youliedtoherbecauseyouwantedhertolikeyou.”
WhatI’vebeendoinghasneverbeenlosttome,andmaybethatmakesitworse.AllthistimeI’vebeenterrifiedaboutbeingdeceived.TurnsoutI’mtheonlyonedoingthedeceiving.
Mythroatburns,andaheadacheknocksatmytemples.“Whatifshedoesn’tforgiveme?”
“Aw,man.”Jaxonsqueezesmyshoulder.“Shewill,buddy.Iknowshewill.You’restillthesameguyyou’vealwaysbeentoher.Justricher,andfamous.”Hesighs,spinningthehatonhishead.“Look,man,youjustgottacomeclean.Behonestwithher,anddon’tholdback.Chickslovethatshit,whenyou’revulnerablewiththem.Tellherwhyyouwerescared,apologize,askhertoforgiveyou,andthenmoveforward.”
“It’sthateasy,huh?”
“Thesolution?Yeah,itis.Ithinkhonestyprettymuchalwaysworks.Butsteppingupandbeinghonestwhenyouhaven’tbeen?Notsoeasy.”
“Fuckingtellmeaboutit.IkepttellingmyselfI’dtellhereverything,butthelongeritwenton,theharderitgot.Ilikedthelifewecreated,likewewereinourownlittlebubble.Iwantedtoholdontoitjustalittlelonger.Nowthethoughtoftellingher—aftereverythingshe’sgivenme,especiallyafterlastnight—feelsimpossible.”
Thesoundofthedoorsopeninghasbothourheadsswiveling.Oneoftheassistantspopsherheadout.“You’reup,Adam.”
Jaxonstands,squeezingmyshoulder.“TalktoRosie.Behonestwithher.It’llworkout.”
Idon’tnormallyputmuchstockinJaxon’srelationshipadvice,butthistimeI’mdeterminedforhimtoberight.It’llworkout,becausethere’snootherchoice.Rosiebelongsinmylife,andI’mgoingtomakesureshestaysthere.Iknowthismeansgettingvulnerable,openingupaboutinsecuritiesI’vebeenfightingagainst.ButRosiehasgivenmesomuch,trustedmewithhersecrets,herfears,herheart,andmostpreciousofall,herson.She’strustedmewithallofit,evenwhenitwasn’teasyforhertodoso.
She’sbeensomuchstrongerthanIhave.Thistime,I’mgoingtobestrong.
That’swhatI’mtellingmyselfasIwalkbackinside.It’sallthat’sonmymindasIsitdowninfrontofthecameras,turnontheAdamLockwoodcharmeveryoneloves.
Wedothesepreseasoninterviewseveryyear,attheendofsummerwheneveryone’sgatheringbackinVancouvertogetreadyfortrainingcamp.It’sthesamequestionseverytime:Whatdidyougetuptothissummer,howareyoupreparingfortheupcomingseason,whatareyourhopesfortheseasonandfortheteam?
Eachinterviewendswiththereportertryingtodigupwhatpeoplereallycareabout—somethingaboutourpersonallives.Formostoftheguys,it’sachancetobragontheirfamilies.Carterbroughtastackofpicturesofhisdaughtertoshowoff,andeventhoughhe’sthelastinterview,everybody’salreadyseeneverypictureatleasttwicetoday.Garrettnearlybroughttheengagementringhe’splanningongivingtoJennie,untilherealizedshe’dbewatchingtheinterviewwhenitairsinacoupleweeks.Instead,IwatchedhimbeamfromeartoearwhilehetoldthejournalistallaboutthehouseheandJenniejustmovedinto,thedancestudioshe’sbeenworkingsohardatgettingreadytoopen.
Myfriendsarehappy,andIlovewatchingthembragonthepeoplethatmakethemthatway.ButI’mhappy,too,andI’mtiredofnotbeingabletobragonthetwopeoplewhomakemethisway,theonesthatmattermosttome.
“Howdoyourparentsfeelaboutyoure-signingwithVancouverforanothereightyears?”Chuck,thesportsjournalist,asks.“Wordonthestreetisyourdadwashopingyou’dtakeColoradoupontheiroffer.”
Laughing,Iskimmyhandalongmyjaw.“Yeah,myparentswouldhavelovedtohavemebackhome.Mymomsaidsomethingaboutmemovingbackinwiththem.ButmyheartishereinVancouver,andmyparentsknowthat.I’mworkingonconvincingthemtorelocate,butthenGarrettwouldn’thavesomeonetosendhimoversnackpackagesfromtheStates.”
Chucklaughs.“Yeah,hementionedsomethingaboutDunkaroosandspecialeditionPop-Tarts.Butlet’scirclebacktowhatyousaidjustnow.”
“ThatI’mtryingtoconvincemyparentstomovehere?”
“Aw,c’monnow,Lockwood.Youknowthat’snotwhateveryonewantstoknow.”
Ismileatmylap,rubbingthenapeofmyneck.Iknowwherethisisgoing,becausenearlyeveryinterviewnotgamerelatedgoesdownthisroadatsomepoint.
“YousaidyourheartishereinVancouver.”Chuckholdsuphishandsinsurrenderthesecondmymouthopens.“NowIknow,Iknow.It’sonlymeanttoexplainthatyoubelonghere.ButI’llhavealotofangrywomenonmyhandslateronifIdon’taskthequestioneveryonewantstheanswerto,especiallysincetheNHL’sresidentserialdaterseemstohavecompletelydisappearedoffthedatingsceneinrecentmonths.”
Chucktapshispenoffthepapersinfrontofhim,grinning.“So,Mr.Lockwood,everyonewantstoknow…istheresomeonespecialinyourlife?”CHAPTER22
THEOTHERSHOE
ROSIE
“Whydoes
hehavesomanytoes?Isthatnormal?Catsarelittlefreaks,aren’tthey?”
“Mittensispolydactyl,”ItellMarco,scratchingmyfluffyfriend’schin.“He’sgotextratoes.Andcatsarenotlittlefreaks.Littledemonswhoterrorizeyouinthemiddleofthenight,yes.Butlittlefreaks,never.”
“HowmanytimeshaveyouaskedArchieifyoucouldbringacathome?”
Ifrown,scoopingMittensagainstme.Hepurrs,nuzzlingmycheek.“Toomanytocount.Hewon’tletme.Sayshedoesn’twantcathairalloverthefurniture.Funnythingtosayforsomeonewhogetssoexcitedwhenhisnewhatscomeinthemailforhiscatphotoshoots.”
Marcorollshiseyes,spinningaroundmesohecanleanonthecatcondoswithonehip.He’sbeenfollowingmearoundforthelastfifteenminutes,waitingforArchietofinishwork.“I’mninety-ninepercentsurehe’sgonnabeacrazycatdadwhenwegetourownplaceandI’mgonnabesubjectedtoalifetimeofcathaironfurniture.There’sjustnotenoughroomrightnowforallthecatsheplanstobringhome.”
MysmilestartstofallbeforeIpasteitbackon.“ConnorandIwillbeoutassoonaswecan;Ipromise.Iknowit’snotideal,and—”
“Rosie,no.That’snotwhatImeant.Youcanstayaslongasyouneedto.”
“Iknowyou’rewaitingforustomoveoutsoyoucanmovein.There’snotenoughroomforallofus;Igetit.”ItuckMittensbackinhishome,andhegivesmethosehuge,sadeyesofhis,pairedwiththetiniestmeow
,becausehehatesbeingaloneinhere.He’sapeopleperson,althoughheseemstobeveryparticularaboutwho
hispeopleare.Hisfavoritesofarhasbeenthattattooedmanthatcameinherewithhisfriend,andIreallythoughthe’dbebacktoadopthim.IthinkMittensandIarebothupsetthathehasn’t.“Iwasplanningonmovingoutaftergradnextspring,butnow,withlosingthescholarship—”
“Rosie.”Marcograbsmyhands,stoppingmyspiralingthoughts.“Iknowyouthinkso,butyouaren’tholdingusback.There’snowhereelseArchiewouldratherbethanwithyouandConnorrightnow.AndIstaytheremostnightsanyway.Butwe’rehappy,okay?Really,weare.Plus,mymomisn’treadytoletmemoveoutyetanyway.”
“Youhatelivingwithyourmom.”
“Becauseshedrivesmeupthefuckingwall.ButI’mherfavoritechild—naturally—soIpersist.”
Idropmystaretomyrunners.“IfIeverbecomeaburden—”
“Youarefamily,notaburden.Iloveyou,Ro.You’relikemyannoyinglittlesister.Ican’tgetridofyou,butnopartofmeactuallywantsto.”
Igivehisdarkhairatugbeforeturningbacktothecatdens,checkingonalitterofkittensandthestraymamawhowerebroughtinlastweek.“You’rewaymoreannoyingthanme.”
“Watchyourfilthymouth.”
“Can’t.Ijustletitrun.”Ipressakisstoatiny,gray-stripedkittenbeforetuckingitbackinitsbed.“Archieshouldbeoutofsurgerysoon.Areyouguysgoingoutfordinner?”
“Nah.We’regonnagrabConnorandpickupsometakeout.”
Myheadsnapsup.“What?”
“ArchietoldmewhatBrandonsaidaboutyouyesterday.We’regonnapickupConnoronourwayhomesoyoudon’thaveto.”
“You’regoingtosaysomethingtohim.”Ifit’snotMarco,it’llbeArchie.Hell,itmightbebothofthem.
Marcosmirks.“Whatwouldwepossiblysay?”
“Marco.”
“Imight
dropthatyougotdickedsohardlastnightyou’relimpingtoday.”
“Iamnot
limping!”I’mdefinitelyfuckinglimping.
Mylegsmight’veworkedwellenoughtodayifwehadn’tusedthatlastcondomthismorning.ButinsteadAdamdrewatotaloffourorgasmsoutofmewhilehewasinsideme—onmyback,mylegsoverhisshoulders,onmyknees,andupagainstthewall—beforehefinally
came.WhenIstooduptofollowhimtotheshowerfiveminuteslater,mylegsshooksohardmyasswasasplitsecondfromhittingthefloorwhenAdamcaughtmywaistandscoopedmeagainsthim.
IgotdickedsohardIfeelitinmybrain.
“Rosie,yougotdickedsohardyou’restaringoffintospacewhilegrinning
.”
Isnapmymouthshut.“Iamnot.”
“Hello
,”Marcobreathesout,shovingmeaside.Heputshissunglassesonjustsohecanshiftthemdownhisnoseashestaresoutthewindow.“Hottiealert.Andhe’sgotflowers.”
Ifollowhisstare,andwhenIspythedarkbluetruck,theimpossiblylargemansteppingdownfromitwithabouquetofpeonies,myheartfree-fallstomystomach.“OhmyGod.”
Ipressmyselftothewindow,watchingasAdampullsoffhissunglassesandfoldsthemintothecollarofhisT-shirt,spinninghiskeyringonhisfinger.
“OhmyGod,”Imurmuragain,foggingthewindowup.IturntoMarco,foldingmyhandsatmystomach.“HowdoIlook?No,wait.Don’tanswerthat.It’stoolatetochangeanything.AdamlikesmethewayIam.”Ishovehimaside,rushingpasthim.ThedooropensjustasMarcocrashesintomefrombehind,andIsmileupatAdamashehalts,staringatthetwoofusstaringupathim,breathless.“Adam.You’rehere.”Iraisemypalmsandgesturearoundme,incasehedoesn’tknowwherehere
is.“Inmywork.”
He’salwayswaitingformeoutside,thesightofhistruckpullingupfifteenminutesbeforemyshiftendsmakingmyheartflip-flop,oreverySaturdaymorningwhenheandBearjoinPigletandmeoutfrontforourhike.Somethingabouthimbeinghere,inside,itfeelssopersonal.
Itakeasteptowardhimbeforestoppingmyself,unsurehowtoact.He’sjustwatchingme,hiseyesmovingbetweenmeandMarco,whomayormaynotbehyperventilatingbesideme.
Andthensuddenly,Adamgrins,crookinghisfingeratme.“Getoverhere,trouble,andgimmeyourmouth.”
IdashacrossthelobbytoAdam,andhehooksonearmbeneathmybutt,hoistingmetohimbeforehedropshismouthtomine.
“Couldn’twaittoseeyoutonight.Wantedtopopbyandsayhi.”
“Hiii.”Marcoapproachesslowly,agoofysmileonhisface.Hearcshishandthroughtheair.“I’mMarco,Rosie’samazing,beautifulfriendwhoshelovesso
much.”
Adamchuckles,settingmeonmyfeet.“Yeah,thattrackswitheverythingshe’stoldmeaboutyou.”Heoffershimhishand.“Hi,Marco.I’mAdam.”
“Mhmm.”HiseyesmovedownAdam,thenbackup.“Thatyouare,thatyouare.I’veheardalotaboutyou,too,Adam,butnotquiteenough.”
“Maybewecouldhavedinnersoon,”Isuggestexcitedly,lookingtoAdam.Thesightofhim,soimposing,soflawless,makesmenervous,andIfindmyselfbacktracking,twirlingmyhairaroundmyfinger.“Orwhatever.”
Hisblueeyesmoveoverme,andthecornerofhismouthliftsashepullsmyfingerfreefrommyhair.“I’dloveifweallhaddinner,orwhatever.”Heholdsoutthebouquetofpeoniestome,brightpinks,duskyyellows,anddeeporanges,myfavoritesunset.“Theseareforyou.”
IlifttheflowerstomynosetosmellthembutgaspwhenIseewhat’swaitinginside.
TuckedinthemiddleofthebouquetisahotfudgesundaefromDairyQueen.
“Extrahotfudge,”Adamwhispersagainstmytemplewithhisarmaroundmywaist.
It’sthesilliestthing,somethingsosmallandsweet,andyetit’sbringingthreelittlewordstothetipofmytongue,readytorollrightoffit.Iwanttosayit.Ineverhave,becauseI’veneverfeltit.IthoughtIwouldn’tbesureIwasinlove,thatI’dhavetowonder,butIknownowthereisnowondering.
Loveis,withoutadoubt,themostcertainemotionI’veeverfelt.It’ssteadyandsure,constant,likethegentlerippleofthecreekwindingthroughthemountains,thequietsongfromthebirdsinthetreetops.Iopenedmyeyesonemorningandthereitwas,carvedintothedeepestpartsofme,likeitwasalwaysthere.
LikeAdamhadalwaysbeenapieceofme
There’sahappinessradiatingthroughoutme,aslightquiverinmyhandsasIstareathim,likemybodyisbeggingmetoreachout,totakehimintomyarms,andGod,Iwantto.
Hesweepshisthumbacrossmylowerlip.“Quitlookingatmelikethat.It’sdangerous.”
“HowamIlookingatyou?”
“Likeyou’dmarrymerightnowifIpromisedtobringyouflowersandicecreamsundaeseverydayfortherestofourlives.”
IcompletelyfailatbitingbackmysmilewhenItellhim,“I’dsettleforweekly.”
Hisbrowsquirk,aplayfulchallenge.“Don’ttemptme,trouble.Ididn’tcomepreparedwitharing.”
“Wow.Youtwoareadorable.”Marcogesturesatuswithcirclesofhands.“IalmostfeellikeI’minterruptingabeautifulmoment.”
Adamcastshimanamusedglance.“Almost,huh?”
“Oh,don’tmindme.Getyourfreakon.Ro’salreadywrecked.Beenlimpingaroundhereall—”
“Marco
!”
Adamlaughs,windinganarmaroundmywaistandtuggingmeintohischestwhenItrytodecapitatemyfriend.“Igottago.Don’tkillMarcobeforewecanhavedinner.Butfortherecord,Rosie…”Hislipsdiptotheshellofmyear,sendingashiverdownmyspine.“Ilikeyoualittlebitwrecked.”Withmychinbetweenhisfingers,hepressesalingeringkisstomylips.“Seeyalater,gorgeous.”
Istayrootedinplace,watchingAdamheadtohistruck,hittingmewithawinkbeforeheclimbsinanddrivesaway.
“Ifyou’renotgonnaeatthatsundae—”
“Backoff.”ItearmyicecreambouquetawayfromMarco,settingitonthereceptiondeskwhileIdigoutmysundae.There’sanobsceneamountofhotfudgeonthisthing,layeredonthebottom,top,andhalfway.Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeenhappier.
“Youhavesomeexplainingtodo,MissRosie.”
MygazeliftstoMarco,myspoonpausingjustbeforemymouth.“What?”
Hissmileisparticularlyhugeashewatchesmewithhischinproppedinhishands,elbowsonthedesk.“Don’t‘what’me.Youknowexactlywhat.”
“Idonot.”
“Mhmm.”Hedropshisforearmstothedesk,tappinghisfingers.“Soallthistimeyou’vejustconvenientlyforgotten
tomentionthatyou’redatingAdamLockwood?”
“Whatdoyoumean?Itoldyouweweredating.”
“YoutoldmeyouweredatingamannamedAdam.YoudidnottellmeyouweredatingAdam.Motherfucking.Lockwood.
”
“Idon’tgetit,”Isayslowly,loweringmyspoon.“Doyouknowhim?”
Marcofrowns.“DoyounotknowwhatAdamdoesforaliving?”
“Heworks…heworkswithprofessionalathletes.”Idon’tknowwhyit’samurmur,orwhyitsoundsmorelikeaquestion.Idon’tknowwhymystomachknotseither.
“Rosie,AdamLockwoodis
aprofessionalathlete.He’sthestartergoaliefortheVancouverVipers.”
“H…hockey?”
“Oneofthebestandhighestpaidintheleague.”
Myheadshakes,andthetremorinmyhandsreturns.Adamwouldn’tlietomeaboutsomethingsoimportant.Hejustwouldn’t.
“Hejustre-signedwiththeVipersforten-point-fivemillionayear.Andthatdoesn’tincludeanysponsorshipdeals.”Marcopullsouthisphone,typing.“Googlesaysattheendofthelastseason,yourmanhadanetworthofthirty-fourmillion.”
“Thirty-fourmillion?”Iplacemyhandovermystomach.It’slurchinglikemylunchmightmakeareappearance.
“Iswear,Ro.Doyouevenknowhim?Here,look.”Heflashesmeapicture.“Hereheisinoneofhisgame-daysuits.Lookhowwellhewearsathree-piece.Imaginehiminthatatyourwedding?”
Ican’t;allIcanfocusonisthepictures.Somanyofthem,allAdam.Iclickonone,andthescreenfillswithaphotoofAdamontheice,lookingutterlymassiveinapairofskatesandhuge,clunkyequipment,amaskthatmatcheshisgreenandbluejersey.
MystomachturnsitselfoverasIpullupanotherphoto.Adamwithhislipspressedtothetempleofthegorgeousredheadtuckedintohisside.There’sacaptionincluded,onethatmakesmestopbreathing.
Aretheyreallydone?Hockey’sgoldenboyAdamLockwoodandlongtimegirlfriend,CourtneyMcLean,endtheirseven-yearrelationshipamidcheatingrumors.
Iswallowdownthebileclimbingmythroatand,againstmybetterjudgment,pickanewphoto.Inthisone,Adamdoesn’tevenappeartoknowhispictureisbeingtaken.He’ssittinginarestaurant,drinkingwinewithaprettybrunette.Thiscaption?
AdamLockwood,hockey’smosteligiblebachelorandserialdater,notsettlingdownanytimesoon!
MyracingheartslowstoacrawlbeforeIswearitstopsbeatingaltogether,andmyicecreamsundaeslipsfrommygrip,splatteringatmyfeet.
Ican’tbesure,butIthinkthat’swheremyheartwindsup,too,afteritshatters.CHAPTER23
I’LLSEEYOU
ADAM
I’vecircled
Wildheartfivetimes.Fivegoddamntimes.
I’verepeatedmyspeechoverandover,thesameoneIrecitedtoBeareighthundredtimesbeforeIleftthehouse,aftermakingsuremyhairlookedniceandIwaswearingmyluckyT-shirt.Myhandswon’tstopshaking,andItellmyselfmysweatypalmsslidingagainstthesteeringwheelarethereasonImisstheentrancetoWildheartasixthtime.
“Fuck.”Igripthesteeringwheel,softlybangingmyforeheadagainstit.Ishould’vedoneitalongtimeago;maybeitwould’veknockedsomesenseintome.
ButIcan’tfuckaroundaboutthisanymore,sowhenthelightinfrontofmeturnsgreen,IturnintotheparkinglotatWildheartSanctuaryandparkmyselfinthesamespotIalwaysdo,whereIhaveafrontrowseattoRosieputteringaroundinthere,finishingthelastofherpaperwork,doingherfinalroundsinthecatden,showeringthemwithloveonelasttimebeforeshesaysgood-bye.
Unbucklingmyseatbelt,Istaredownatmytremblinghandsbeforewipingthemonmyjeans,scrubbingoneovermymouth,runningtheotherthroughmyhairbeforefixingmyhatbackonmyheadand,finally,gettingoutofthetruck.
ThetwogirlsstandingbehindthedesklifttheirheadswhenIwalkin,andacatamblesuptome,droppingitselfatmyfeetandshowingmeitsbelly.Silencefallsovertheroom,andmyshoulderspulltautasIstoopdown,rubbingthecat’sbelly.
“IsRosiearound?CanyoutellherAdam’shere?”
Thegirlsexchangealook,eyesbulgingandheadstippinginmydirection.Theblondeclearsherthroat,turningtome.“Uh,Rosie’snothere.”
“She’snot?”
“Shewasn’tfeelingwell.Shewenthomeearly.”
Standing,Islipmyfingersupthebackofmyhat,scratchingmyhead.“Oh.Okay.Wassheokay?”
“Ummm…”Theylookateachotheragain.
“Nevermind.Thankyou.”Igivethecatonelastpatbeforeheadingforthedoor,andwhenI’mhalfwaythroughit,theirhushedwordssendmyheartintooverdrive.
“OhmyGod.Itreallyis
him.Rosie’sdatingAdamLockwood.”
***
I’mnotsurethere’sawordtodescribewhatI’mfeelingnow,bypassingtheelevatorandracingupalltwelveflightstoRosie’sapartment.Therearenonervesleft,justsheer,unadulteratedpanic,anditspillsoutofmewiththefranticrapofmyknucklesagainstherdoor,thewayIknockmyhatclearoffmyheadandyankatmycurlswhileIwaitforhertoanswer,totellmeIcanmakethisright.
Butit’snotRosiewhoopensthedoor,andthenarrowedgazeandcrossedarmsofthetattooedmanwaitingformetellmeImightbetoolate.
“Archie—”
“Oh,that’sinteresting,”hebitesout.“YouknowwhoIam,eventhoughwe’venevermet,yetyou’vebeenfuckingaroundwithmybestfriendforthelasttwomonths,andshehadnoidea
whoyouwere.”
“No,it’snot—it’snotlikethat.”
“Really?Youdidn’tlietoheraboutyourjob?”
“No,I—”Fuck
.“Idid.ButIhada—”
“Goodreason?”Hisbrowsrise.“Can’twaittohearit.”
Thedoorpullsawayfromhim,andmysweetgirlstepsintoview,pinkwavespiledonherheadandgrazingherneck,gazetrainedonthehandsshewringsatherstomach.Whenhernameleavesmylips,it’sadesperateplea,drowninginthegriefIfeelrollingoffher.
“Rosie
.”
Shelooksatmethen,staresupatmewiththosegreeneyes,impossiblywideandsowrecked,beggingforittomakesense.EverythingIwanttosaytoher,everythingIpracticedwhenIwasincontrolofthissituation,italldiessomewhereinmythroat.
Ineedtohugher.Ineedtofeelher,needhertofeelme.TofeelhowsorryIam,howdeeplyIcareabouther.HowI’mnotfuckinggoinganywhere,becauseshe’sbeentheonesinceshewalkedintomylife.IfIcanjusthugher,she’llknow.I’llsqueezeallofitintoher,alltheloveIhave.
Butshecrossesonearmoverherstomach,grabbingontoheroppositeelbow,andmorethanIseeit,Icanfeelthewallshe’sjusterectedbetweenus.
“Hereifyouneedme.”Archiepressesakisstohertemplebeforeshootingmeacastratingglareanddisappearing.
Tearsofbetrayalswiminherguardedeyes,butthehopelessnessmightbeworstofall.Eyesthatshonewithsomuchfaith,somuchwarmth,arenowshatteredandmuted.There’sacertainresignationtothem,almostlikeshewaswaitingforsomethingbadtohappen,forthefloortofallthrough.
“Youliedtome,”shewhispers,swipingatthetearsthatstartdrippingdownhercheeks.
Isteptowardher,butshestepsback.“I’msosorry,Rosie.”
“Sorryforlying,orsorryyougotcaught?”
“Iwasgoingtotellyou.Iswear,Rosie.Iwasgoingtotellyoutonight.”
Ahuffoflaughterescapesher.Shetugsthesleevesofhersweater—mysweater—overherhands,wipingathereyes.“Convenienttiming,huh?”
“Dada?”Atinyvoicefloatsdownthehallway,stoppingmyheart.Connortoddlesintoview,eyeslockingwithmineandfillingwithsomuchexcitementbeforehestartsracingtowardme.Icrouchdown,readytocatchhim,becauseIthinktheonlythingintheworldthatmightmakemefeelbetterrightnowisholdingthislittleboyinmyarms.“Dada
!”
“Connor,no.”Rosiecatcheshimbeforehecancrashintome.Foramoment,Istaystoopedthereontheground,tryingtoshoveawaythestartlingfeelingclawingatmychest.Itmatchesmyarms:fuckingempty.
Connorpointsatme,lookingatRosie.“Dada,hug?”
Shesqueezeshishandsinhers,herwordshoarse.“Notrightnow,baby.”
Hissweetfacecrumples,andI’mreadytofalltomyknees,begherforforgiveness,scoopthemintomyarmsandtellthemhowmuchIlovethem.
ButthenMarcoappears,takingConnor’shand.“Hey,bud.Let’sgoplaytrains.”
“SaybyetoAdam,baby,”Rosietellshim,andthesimplewordsbringthosetearsrightdownhercheeksagain,fasterthistime,andsheturnsawaytoridherfaceoftheevidence.
“Bye,Dada,”Connorwhispers,wavingatme.“Lubyou.”
IclosemyeyestothetwowordsI’veneverheardbefore,notfromhim,onesIwanttohearalloveragainbutmightnevergetthechanceto.“Loveyou,too,littletrouble.”
HepointsatRosie.“Bigtubble?Lub?”
“Marco,”Rosiechokesout.“Please.”
HescoopsConnorintohisarms,castinganapologeticglanceatme.“Comeon,buddy.UncleArchissettingupyourtracks.”
“Rosie,I—”Myphoneringsinmypocket,cuttingmeoff.Ipullitout,silencingitwithoutlookingatit,butbeforeIcantuckitaway,itringsagain.“Sorry,”Imumble,frowningatthenumber,thesamedamnonethat’sbeenlightingitupforoveraweeknow.“I’llturnitoff.”
“Youcangetit,Adam,”Rosiesays,scrubbinghereyes.
“No,Idon’t—”Itringsagain,andRosiesighs.
“Adam,please.Justanswerit.”
Bringingmyphonetomyear,IkeepmyeyesonRosie.“Hello?”
“Adam?OhthankGod.I’vebeentryingyoufordays!”
Ifrown,droppingmygazeasItrytoplacethevoiceontheotherend.Whenithits,thefranticpleabehindmyname,somethingdropsfrommychest,sinkinglowinmystomach.“Courtney?”
Rosie’sfacefalls,andIknowimmediatelythatsheknowswhoCourtneyis.
AndIrefusetoletthiswomanmessupanyrelationshipotherthantheoneshealreadylitonfireayearandahalfago.
“Iblockedyournumberforareason,”IbiteoutinalowvoiceasRosielooksdown,givingmespaceIdon’twant.
“Iknow,butIhadtotalktoyou.It’sabout—”
“There’snothingtotalkabout.Don’tcallmeagain.”BeforeIthrowmyphoneinmypocket,Iblockhernumber.“Sorryaboutthat.Nobodyimportant.”
Rosienods,scuffingthefloorwithherbaretoesbeforeshefinallymeetsmygaze.“You’reonTinder.”
Mybrowspulldown.“Tinder?No.”
Shepullsoutherphone,showingmemyprofileonthatfuckingdatingapp.“Thisisn’tyou?”
“No,it’s—Imean,yes,itis.ButI’mnot—Imean,Iwas
—myprofileisstill—ugh.”Iscrubmyhandsdownmyface,becausenothingiscomingoutright.I’mallfuckedup,panicked,andmywordsaren’twording,soItakeabreathandtryagain.“Ihaven’tuseditatallsinceImetyou,Rosie.Ipromise.”
Shelooksdown,andIhatehowquiethervoiceiswhenshespeaksnext.“Whydidn’tyoudeleteyourprofile?Wereyounotsureaboutme?”
Istepforward,sayingabigfuckyou
tothedistancebetweenus,thepartofmybrainthatwarnsmetogiveherspace.Itakeherhandsinmine,clutchingthembetweenus.“YouaretheonlythingI’veever
beensureof.”Isweepmythumbsoverherknuckles.“It’sashitexcuse,butIjustdidn’tthinkaboutit.Iwasn’tloggingon,soitwasn’tonmymind.”
Hereyesmovebetweenmineasshetugsatherlowerlipwithherteeth.“Thewebsitesarecallingyou‘hockey’smosteligiblebachelor,’and‘theNHL’sserialdater.’You’vedatedalotofwomeninpublic,butnotme.Youdatedmeinprivate,Adam.Whydidn’tyouwantpeopletoknowaboutme?”
Ishakemyhead,andwhenshetriestopullaway,Iyankhercloser.“No.No,that’snotit.That’snever
beenit.Thisisn’taboutyou,Rosie.Thisisaboutme,andIwon’thaveyouthinkingIwastryingtohideyou,thatIwasembarrassedinanyway,becausethat’ssimplynotfuckingtrue.”
“Butitfeelsthatway,yougetthat,don’tyou?EverythingI’vereadaboutyouthisafternoontellsmeI’mdifferent.”
“Youare
different.Youareabsolutelyeverythingtheyweren’tforme,inthebestandmostsurprisingway.I’llapologizeforalotofthings,becauseIknowI’vefuckedup.God,I’vefuckedup.ButIwon’tapologizeforwantingtokeepyoutomyself,forwantingtowrapyouupandkeepyoutuckedawayfromthisworld.”
“Fromyour
world,Adam.Thisisyourworld.AndIdon’tknowit,notatall.AndfindingthatoutnowmakesmefeellikeIdon’tknowyou
.”Shestepsback,lookingupattheceiling,fightingsodamnhardtokeepmoretearsfromfalling.“God,howdenseamI?I’mdatingoneofthemostfamousgoaliesintheNHL,andIhavenoclue.Ifeellikesuchafool.”
“Fuck,Rosie.I’magoddamnmess,andI’msodisappointedinmyself.Ididn’tmeantohurtyou,Iswear.AndIhatemorethananythingthatI’vemadeyoufeellikeafool.Ifuckingpanicked.Itoldyoumynamethedaywemet,andyoudidn’treact.WhenyouaskedmewhatIdid,IrealizedyouhadnoideawhoIwas,andIjust…Icouldn’t.Forsomereason,thewordswouldn’tcome.”
IknowwhatI’vedone.Fuck,Iknowexactly
whatI’vedone.Inlyingtoher,I’veperpetuatedherdeepestfears.She’sspentherwholelifewantingsomeonetochooseher,andshe’sbeenletdowntimeandtimeagain.Andnow,I’mnodifferent.
“Iknowitfeelslikeyouweren’timportantenoughformetobetruthfulwithyou.Iknowyou’refeelinglikeIdidn’tchooseyou.”
“Itfeelsawholelotlikeyouchoseus,justonlyforthesummer.Yougottoplayhouseforacouplemonthsandnowyougettogobacktobeingafamoushockeyplayer.Youdidn’tjusthideyourjobfromme,Adam.Youputusinabubbleandhidusawayfromtherestofyourlife.”
“Idid.IsawanopportunityandIranwithit.Youdidn’tknowaboutthehockey,andIlikedit.Ididn’thavetowonderwhichversionofmeyouliked.”
Somethinginhereyessoftens,butthen,they’vealwaysbeensoft.Kindandgentle,evenrightnow,whenI’vebrokenherheart.
“Ineedyoutounderstandthatthisisn’taboutthehockey,Adam.Igetthatsomewherealongtheway,asaprofessionalathlete,you’vebeenmadetofeellikethat’sallyouare.AndIcantellyouwithabsolutecertaintythat’snottrue.Youareabeautifulhumanbeingwithsomuchmoretooffer.Butinlettingthoseworriesconsumeyouthewayyoudid,youdidn’tjustlietome.Youkeptwholepiecesofyourselffrommebecauseyoudidn’twanttotrustmewiththem.AndallI’vedoneistrustyou.I’vegivenyoueverything.Myheaviest,earth-shatteringtruths.”Hervoicedrops,andhereyesmovetoConnoroverhershoulder,watchingusfromhisspotonthefloorwhereheplayswithArchieandMarco.“Andmyentireheart.Itrustedyouwithmyson,Adam,andyouliedtous.You’vemademefeelconvenient,temporary,whenIthoughtthismightbe…”Everyoneofherinsecuritiesshinesinherdevastatedeyes.“Ithoughtthismightbepermanent.Youpromisedyouwouldn’thurtme,butthis?Thishurts.”
Hershouldersslump,andsheseemstoshrinkbeforemyeyes.“Idon’tknowhowtotrustyourightnow.AndifIcan’ttrustyou,Idon’tknowhowwecanbetogether.”
Panicbubbles,andtheworldaroundmeslowstoacrawl.“You’rebreakingupwithme?”
Tear-filledeyeslifttomine.“I…Idon’tknow.Honestly,Adam,Idon’t.Whenyoucameintomylife,yougroundedme.Youpulledmetomycenter,andforthefirsttimesincemyparentsdied,IfeltlikeIwasfinallyonlevelground.Ifeltsafe,andIfeltloved.NowIfeellikeI’velostmyfootingalloveragain.Idon’tknowwhichwayisup,andIhateit.Ifuckinghateit.”
Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroat.“You’remyfamily,Rosie.YouandConnor.”
“Familiesarebuiltonhonesty.Hardtruthsandscaryvulnerabilities.Youdon’thidewhoyouare.”
“Idon’twanttogobacktobefore.Towithoutyou.Idon’twanttoforgetwhatitfeelslike,beingafamilywithyou.”Somethingbreaksinsideme,ifanythingwasstillwhole.Itcrawlsupmythroat,clawingitswayout,shatteringmynextpleaasateardripsfrommyeye.“Please,Rosie.Ican’tletyougo.Iwon’t.”
Rosiestepsforward,cuppingmycheeks.Herthumbsbrushbeneathmyeyes,comingawaywet,stealingmyheartbreakandmakingitherstoo.Shetakesmyhandsinhers,slenderfingerslacingthroughmine.They’resosmall,sowarm,sofuckingperfect,andI’mterrifiedit’llbethelasttimeIholdthem.
“Ineedaminute,Adam.Ineedsomespacetobreathe,towrapmyheadaroundthisandfigureoutwhatitmeansforus,ifwecangetpastit.Canyougivemethat?Sometime?Somepatience?”
Ilookdownatourtwinedhands,thewaytheyfittogether.“I’dgiveyouanythingyouwant.”Evenifit’sthelastthingIwanttodorightnow.
“AllI’veeverwantedisyou,Adam.Eventhepartsyou’rescaredtoshare.”Shetakesmyfaceinherhands,hertouchtenderandcompassionate,justlikethewayshelooksatme.“Wehavetogetcomfywiththeuncomfypartsofourselvesbeforewecanreallyknowwhoweareandlovethatperson,beforewecanletsomeoneelseknowandloveus.Iwanttoknowyou,butIwantyoutoknowyoumore.Thenyoucansharethatpersonwithme.Okay?”
Hopesparksinmychest,afranticpoundingthathurtsthewayhopecansometimes.“It’snotgood-bye?Notforever?”
Hermouthquirkswithasadsmile.“Idon’tlikegood-byes.”
Iburymytremblingfingersinherhairandbringherforeheadtorestagainstmine.“Promiseme.Promiseme,Rosie.”
Hereyesflutterclosed,lasheslyingagainstherrosyskinastearscascadedownhercheeks.“Idon’tthinkmyforeverexistswithoutyousomewhereinsideit.”
Inthismoment,thosewordsareenough.Enoughtobreathelifebackintome,evenifforonlyashortmoment,whilewestandhereholdingeachother,herchestrisingandfallingintimewithmine,soclose,Ican’ttellifthat’sherheartorminebeatingsofast.
It’swhenshefinallyreleasesmeandbacksawaythatIrealizeit’smyheart.Becauseinthismoment,itstopsbeatingaltogether,asilencesoloud,soear-splitting,IheareverytinyfissurethatsplintersallthepartsofmeRosieandConnormadewholeagain.
Rosiebacksintoherapartment,andrightbeforeshedisappears,shewhispersthethreewordsI’llclingtountilshecomesbacktome.
“I’llseeyou.”CHAPTER24
STARDUSTLANE
ROSIE
I’m
certainthesehandshaveneverfeltsomethingsosoftasthesewaves,fineblondwispsscatteredacrossConnor’sforehead.They’reperfectineveryway,thissignofinnocenceIhopeneverfadesaway.
Irunmyfingersthroughthewisps,brushingthemoffhistemple,sweepingmythumbovertheappleofhischeek,whereit’sjustassoftashishair.
Andyet,Ican’thelpbutremembertheroughnessofAdam’scallousedpalmsastheygripmine,thewaytheyscrapedownmysides,grabmyhips,andpullmeagainsthim.They’resoftinadifferentway,driftingdownthecurveofmyspinewhileIliewrappedupinhim,twiningthroughmyhair,thepadofhisthumbrunningoverthedimpleinmychinbeforehepresseshislipstomine.
AndImisshim.Missthewayhemakesmefeelsosavagelyneededwhilesoutterlytreasuredwiththesimplesweepofhisgazeovermybody,thetouchofhishands.Sopassionatelyloved
withthequiet,surewordshepressesagainstmyear.
He’severythingsoftandgentle,greedyinonlythewarmestway.Amanwho’shappywitheverythinghehas,yetinsatiable,aferalneedtokeephishappinesstightwithinhisgrasp,unwillingtoletitstray.
Isawitlastweekinhisgaze,thereluctancetogivemewhatIneeded.Timetothink,spacetobreathe.Hedidn’twanttogiveittome,butlikehesaidthen,he’dgivemeanythingIaskedfor.
ButallI’veeveraskedforishim.
I’vespentthispastweeksearchingforclarity,butI’mnotsuremybrainhasgottenanylessfoggy.
Onepartofthewhy
isclear.It’swrittenineveryheadlinethatmentionsAdam’ssuperstarstatusasagoalieintheNHL,howmuchmoneyhe’sworth.Everyheadlinethatviolateshisrighttoprivacywhenitpostsapictureofhimandhisex-girlfriend,speculatesthereasonoftheirbreakup,theunwantedpicturesofhimondateafterdate,wonderingwhichgirlwillbetheluckyonetofinallynaildowntheNHL’smostdesirableandavailableheartthrob.
It’sclearAdamhadadifficulttimeknowingwhichrelationshipsweregenuineandwhichwereself-serving,andIcan’timaginehowchallengingthatwouldbetonavigatewiththeseverelackofprivacythismanhas.
Buttheotherpartofthewhy
,thepartthatliedtome,itwonderswhy,afterallthetimespenttogether,learningeachother,lovingoneachother,hestilldidn’tfeelsafeenoughwithmetotrustme.Tochoosemetoshareallofhimselfwith.
AllthehorribleinsecuritiesI’vespentyearsfightingtrytoclawthroughmymind,andattheforefrontisthatI’veneverbeenanyone’sfirstchoice.Thatnotasinglepersonhaslookedatmeandseenthepossibilityofforever,acertainpermanencethatcomeswithachosenfamily,anunconditionalloveI’vespentmylifechasing.
Deceitdoesn’tspeakofpermanence.Beyondtheintentionalpaininflictedbythetwistoftheknifelodgedinyourback,istheemotionalturmoilofbeingonlyafleetingmomentinsomeone’slife.Becauseliesareneverforever,andIcan’tunderstandthepointofthemwithsomeoneyouintendtokeepinyourlife.
Despitethefearsthathavesunktheirteethintomybonesovertheyears,Ipridemyselfonneverhavinggivenuphopeonfindingmypeople.It’snotalwaysbenefitedme,likethetimeIspenttryingtoforcesomethingtoworkwithBrandonjusttobeafamily.AndI’dbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tworriedaboutputtingmyselfinapositionwhereI’mrepeatinghistory.There’snotaninchofmethathaseverbeenworriedaboutthatwithAdam.
Untillastweek,whenthelifehe’dbeenhidingfrommewasthrustinmyface
“Rosie?”
MygazesnapstoEva,waitinginthedoorwaytoheroffice.Hersmileiseasy;IwishIcouldappreciateitmore.
“Thankssomuchforcominginagainlastminute.”Shewavesmeinside,poutingatConnorasIcarryhimpasther.“Sleeping?”
“Wespentthemorningatthepark,andoneofthedaycampswasgoingonatrip,soConnorwantedtowatchallthebusesdriveoff.”Idon’ttellherthatheaskedforDada
andBear
twentytimesoverafterhefoundAdam’shatinmybag.Idon’ttellherthatheputthebaseballcaponhisheadandtoddledaroundsayingDadahat.
AndIdon’ttellherthatwhenConnortookhisfirstbiteofhispeanutbutterandbananasandwich,thenhelditupandaskedforDadaagain,wantingtosharehissandwichwithhimlikehealwaysdoes,thefirsttearbrokefree.
“Soundslikeafundaysofar.”
Thrilling.
Atleastthere’snomascaraleftonmylashesforwhenIcryagainatthereminderEva’sabouttogivemeaboutmyfuturebeingdelayedanotheryear.Hell,maybeshe’lltellmetheycan’tholdmyspotanymore,nottwoyearsinarow.TofigureitoutandgetthemoneytogetherinfourdayssoIcanstartnextweek,orgiveupmyspotintheprogramaltogether.
I’mgoingthroughabitofapessimisticperiodrightnow,ifyoucanbelieveit,sowhenEvacalledthismorningandaskedmetocomeinforanotherchat,Iwasprettymuchresignedtobeingkickedout.
“Youdon’talreadyhaveallyourtextbooksandmaterialsforthisyear,doyou?”sheasks,sittingontheedgeofherdesk,gesturingtothechairacrossfromher.
ConnorstirswhenIsit,tuckinghisfaceintomyneckandstuffinghisthumbinhismouth.
“I’vebeenbuyingthematerialsoneatatimetomakeitmoreaffordable.”IpressmylipstoConnor’shair,mykneebouncing.“Icouldprobablysellthem,though.I’msurethere’sastudentwhohasn’tpurchasedyet.It’snobigdeal.”
“Rosie,whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Ican’taffordtopaymytuitionthisyearwithoutmyscholarship.Isn’tthatwhyI’mhere?You’regoingtotellmetheywon’tsavemyspotformeanymore?ThatIhavetopayandattendthisyearorleaveforever?”
Shestaresatmeforalongmoment,andwhenshefinallylaughs,Idon’tknowwhethertolaugh,too,orcry.Ihavenoideawhat’sgoingoninmylifeanymore,butitfeelslikeit’sunravelingbeforemyeyes.
“Rosie,you’reourtopstudent.Werecognizehowdamnhardyou’vebeenworkingovertheyears,andtheveterinarianworldwouldbetakingahugehitlosingyoubeforeyou’veevengottenthechancetogetstarted.Wearesoproudofeverythingyou’veaccomplished.You’reanincrediblestudent,aneagerlearner,andadedicatedmama.We’resoluckytohaveyou.”
“Oh.Uh…”Heatcrawlsupmyneck,pricklingmycheeks.“Thankyou.It’sreallynicetohearthat.Toberecognized.”
“Youmustrealizehowmuchyoubringtothetable,no?”
“It’shardtoseewhatyoubringtothetablewhennoonesitsdownatitwithyou.”
“Here’sthething,Rosie.Youdon’tneedanyonetositatthetablewithyou.Youneedtobehappysittingtherewithyourself.That’stheonlywayyou’lleverunderstandandtreasureyourownworth.”
Icatchthetearassoonasitsneaksoutofmyeye.Mygazefallstothelittleboyinmyarms,theonlypersonwhothinkstheworldofme.Butmaybehe’stheonlyonethatmatters.
“Well…”Evawalksaroundherdesk,sinkingdowntothechairbehindit.“I’mgladtohearyouhaveallyourmaterialstogether.I’dhatetohaveyouscramblingjustfourdaysbeforeclassesstart.”
“Pardon?”
“AndIdohopeyou’llfindyourworththisyear.I’msureyouwill,attheveryleasthereintheclassroom.”
Mypulsethundersinmyears.“I’mconfusedandemotionalbecause,quitefrankly,thishasbeenashitweek.SoI’mgoingtoneedyoutoputmeoutofmymiseryandtellmewhatyou’respeakingincodeabout.”
Shechucklessoftly.“Agentlemanstoppedbymyofficeyesterday,wantingtosetupanewannualscholarshipfundforourveterinarianstudents.Outlinedallthequalitieshe’dliketoseeintherecipients,notjustasstudentsbutasrealpeople.Someonededicatedtotheirfamily,someonewhoprioritizesthethingsthatreallymatter,someonecaringandcompassionatewho’scommittedtohelpinganimals.Someonewhosoundsalotlikeyou,Rosie.”
“Who?”Iask,thesinglewordbreathlessasmychestheaves,myeyespricklingwithtears.“Who’sthedonor?”
“Hewishestoremainanonymous.”
“Eva,Ican’t—”
“Youcan,Rosie.Youcanacceptthisforexactlywhatitis:someonewhowantstoseeyousucceedinallyourdreams,becauseyoudeserveit.”
Mychinquivers.“Whatareyousaying?”
“I’msayinggohomeandgetsomerestthisweekend,Rosie,becauseyou’vegotawildyearaheadofyou.You’rethefirstrecipientoftheStardustLaneScholarship.”
It’shardenoughtowrapmyheadaroundbeinggiftedascholarshipatthelastminute,allowingmetofinishmyschoolingwhenI’djustaboutgivenuphope.Buthearingthenameofthescholarshipiswhatbringsthetearsstreamingdownmyface.
BecauseStardustLane?That’sthenameofthestreetIgrewupon.
ThelasttimeIwashomewithmyparents.
***
“Gastricwhat?”
“Gastricdilatationandvolvulus,”Irepeattothewomanstandingbeforeme,onehandclutchingherpursestrap,theotherlaidprotectivelyoverherdog’sstomach.“It’swhenadog’sstomachfillswithgasandbloats,orwhatwecallgastricdilatation.Itprogressesintoavolvuluswhenthebloatedstomachtwists,blockingtheentranceandexitofthestomach.”
“AndPepper…sheneedssurgery?There’snootherway?”
“GDVrequiressurgerytocorrect.”
“Anditwill?Thesurgerywillwork,andPepperwillbeokay?”
Ilookdownatthebeautiful,docileSt.Bernardontheexaminationtable,thepinkbowshewearsonhercollar.Bigbrowneyesstarebackatme,andIwishIcouldlie.“Surgeryisnotaguarantee.”
“What’sthemortalityrate?”
“Thesurvivalrate—”
“Iaskedforthemortalityrate,notthesurvivalrate.IwanttoknowwhatthechancesarethatmydogdiesifIletyouputheronthattable.”
Iclenchmyfistsinanattempttostilltheviolenttremorinmyhands.“Inuncomplicatedcases,themortalityrateisaboutfifteentotwentypercent.Dependingonhowlongthestomachhasbeentwistedandwhetherotherissuesarepresentduringsurgery,themortalityratecanjumpashighasthirty-eightpercent.”
Shenods,staringatherdog.“Ineedsometimetodecide.MaybeI’llbringPepperhome,andwe’llseehowshedoesovertheweekend.”
“Mrs.Greene,withallduerespect,GDVisalife-threateningemergencyandrequiresimmediate
intervention.It’scrucialwerelievethepressureonPepper’sinternalorgansassoonaspossible.”
Hereyespoolwithtears,andshelookstoDr.Holmesatmyside,likemyprofessormighttellherI’mwrong.
“Rosieiscorrect,”shesayssimply.“Andthelongeradoggoeswithouttreatment,thehigherthemortalityratesare.Untreated,adogwithGDVwill
die.Issurgeryaguarantee?No.Butwecanguaranteewewilldoeverythinginourpowertohelpyourgirl.Yourotheroptioniseuthan—”
“No.Iwon’tconsiderthat.”Tearsslidedownhercheeks,andIfighttokeepmyselfincheck,bitingmytonguetodrawthepainoutofmychestasMrs.Greenestaresdownatherbestfriend.“Idon’tunderstandhowthishappened.”
“Thereisn’tanyrhymeorreason,”Itellhergently.“Itdoestendtofavorbiggerdogs,likePepper,butitcanhappentoanydog.”
Shewipesathertears.“CanIhaveafewminutesalonewithher?”
“Ofcourse.We’llstartpreppingforsurgery.”
Dr.Holmesfollowsmeintotheoperatingroom,watchingasIorganizetherequiredinstruments.“Isthishowyouimaginedfinishingoffyourfirstweekoffourthyear?”
“Preppingforsurgery?I’dhopedso,honestly.I’vebeensoeagertobeonthissideoftheglass.ButforGDV?”IthinkaboutPepper,unconsciousinhermom’sSUVwhensherolleduphere,howMrs.Greenesaidshewassickallmorning.“No,thisisn’thowIimaginedfinishingthisweek.”
Buttruthfully,it’sonparwithhowit’sbeengoing.Therewasnoeasingintotheyear.Wejumpedrightintotheemergencysettingatthecampusclinic,andtherehasn’tbeenaquietmomentsince.I’mexhausted,barelykeepingmyemotionsincheck,andlastnightIpassedoutonmybedwithmyshoesstillonandmydinner—anapple—half-eateninmyhand.I’mbeyondgratefultobehere,butIcan’twaitforabreak.
Dr.HolmeshandsmePepper’schartasshe’srolledintotheroom.“CanyoutellusaboutPepperbeforewegetstarted?”
Ismiledownatthesweet,gorgeousgirlasshestaresupatme.“Hi,sweetheart,”Imurmur,strokingthebrownspotbetweenhereyes.“Pepperisathree-year-old,one-hundred-and-twenty-seven-poundSt.Bernard.Hermomreportedthatshedidn’tseemwellearlierthismorning.Shedidn’teatbreakfast,wasquietandlethargic,andwasfavoringherbed,allofwhichareunusualforPepper.Mombroughtherinwhenshecollapsedtryingtowalktoherwaterdish.”Ismoothmyhandoverherears,givingherascritch.“Andshe’sgotthemostgorgeousbrowneyes.”
“Shecertainlydoes,doesn’tshe?”Dr.Holmesfixeshermaskoverhermouthandpullsonhergloves.“Allright,let’smakesurewekeepPeppercomfortable,andlet’sgetstarted.”
Idon’treleasePepper’spawfrommyhand.Notwhenweputherunderanesthesia,andnotwhenIhandDr.Holmesthescalpelsoshecanmakethefirstcutintoherabdomen.Idon’tletgowhenherstomachsuddenlyrupturesbeforesurgerycanevenreallybegin,andIdon’tletgowhentheenergyintheroombecomesfranticasDr.Holmesworksasfastasshecan,doeseverythinginherpowertosaveher.
Idon’tletgo,evenasIwatchherpulsedroplowerandlower,untilsheflatlinesrightthereonthetableinfrontofme,herpawstillwarminmygrasp
Idon’tletgowhenDr.Holmestouchesmyshoulder,tellsmethisisthetoughestpartofthejobandshe’ssorryIhadtoseeitsoquickly.
Idon’tletgountiltheroomempties,untilit’stimeforthemomentIdread,somethingI’vespenttheseyearshopingI’dsomehowneverhavetodo.
“Doesitevergeteasier?”Iaskonawhisper,peekingatPepper’smomthroughthesmallwindowinthedoor.
Dr.Holmeshesitates.“Never.”
“Iwasafraidofthat.”
“Rosie.”Shecatchesmyarm,stoppingmebeforeIcanopenthedoor.“Youdidgreattoday.YouwerethoroughandquickwithyourassessmentofPepperearlier,allowingustogetherontothattableasquickaswedid,evenifwewerestilltoolate.Giveyourselfsomegrace.Weneedtokeepouremotionsincheckhere,yes,butIdon’tneedyoutobearobot.Ifyouneedtocryafterthis,scream,swear…giveyourselfthegracetofeelwhatyouneedtofeel.Ifindwecan’tmoveonuntilwedo.”
Inod,andbeforeIlosemynerve,Ipushthroughthedoor.
Mrs.Greenejumpstoherfeet,wringingherhands.“Thatwasfast.Yousaiditwouldbelonger.”Shesmiles,butit’sshaky.“Isthatagoodthing?”
Idon’twanttodothis.Idon’twanttoberesponsibleforbreakingherheart,fortellingherthatherbestfriendisn’tgoinghometonight,thatshewon’tbecurledupatherfeet,orrestingherheadinherlap.
Iclearmythroatandsteptowardher.“Mrs.Greene—”
Herbreathhitches,andshepressesherhandtoherthroat,steppingback.“No.”
Everythingpullstaut,sotightIfeellikesomethinghastosnap.There’salumpinmythroatmakingitharderandhardertobreathe.“Pepper’sGDVwasextensiveandadvanced.Herstomachrupturedfromthepressureshortlyafterwebegan,andwewerenotabletosaveher.”
MyeyesburnasIwatchhersfillwithtears,spillingrelentlesslydownherface.Iblinkmyownaway,pressmylipstogethertostopthesobthatwantstoescape.
“Shewasnotinpainwhenshewent.Wemadesureshewascomfortableandloved.Shewasnotalone.”Myvoicebreaksonthelastword,andIfeelagentletouchonmyshoulder.
“RosieheldPepper’shandallthewaythrough,”Dr.HolmestellsMrs.Greene.“Weknowthisisalottoprocess.Wouldyoulikeamomentalone,orwouldyoulikeashoulder?”
“I…”Shesinksdowntoherseat.“Idon’t…butPepper…shewasfinelastnight.Justlastnightshewasfine.”Hergazeislost,fixatedonthefloor,butI’dbetshe’snotseeingadamnthing.Hereyesstartroaming,bouncingaroundtheroom,likethey’remakingsenseofthenews.
Likeshe’srealizingshejustlostherbestfriend.
Idofine.Iswear
I’mdoingfine,evenashercheststartsheaving.Butwhenherfacecrumples,whenasobbreaksfreeandshecollapsesintoherself,buryinghershakinghandsinherhairandcryingoutforherdog,somethinginsidemeshatters.Iclutchatmychest,tryingtoclawthepainrightoutofthere,andDr.Holmeswhispersasimple,“Go,”inmyearbeforeshetakesaseatnexttoMrs.Greene.
AndIgo.Ithrowmyclipboarddownatthedoctor’sstationandburstthroughthedoubledoorsleadingtothereceptionarea.Irushpastthestaresandoutthefrontdoor,intothewarmSeptemberafternoon,andIrun.
Irunacrosscampus,untilIwindupatthesamebenchIfellapartattwoweeksago,whenAdamfoundmehereafterIlostmyscholarship.
AndIdothesamethingIdidthen.
Idon’twantto,butIgiveintothepain,buryingmyfaceinmyshakinghandsandlettingitgo.
LikeIdidrighthereonthisbenchinthesafetyofthearmsofsomeoneIlovedandtrusted,Ifallapart.CHAPTER25
FOREVERFAMILIES
ROSIE
Adopted.
There’sthissillypartofme,thissmallchildburiedsodeepdown,whoseesthatseven-letterwordscrawledacrosstheanimalcageand,everysingletime,withoutfail,actuallyfeels…jealousy.GriefforafamilyIlost,andasecondoneIwasnevergivenachancewith
Itdoesn’tchangeathingabouthowexcitedIamfortheanimalsgoinghometobewiththeirforeverfamilies.There’snothingIwantmorethanforthemtoliveouttherestoftheirlivesinluxury.
Luxuryisbeingsurroundedbyalltheloveyouneedtowalkthroughlife.It’shavingsomeonetolaughwithonthegooddays,andarmstoholdyouuponthebadones.Luxury…it’sthepeoplewhomakeitallworthit.Everysingleday.
I’velivedwithluxury,andI’velivedwithoutit.IknowwhichoneI’dchoose.
IpullMittensfromhisden,snugglinghimagainstmychest.“I’mgladyou’regettingyourfamily,Mitts.”
Hecrawlsupmyshoulder,clingingtightlytomeasIwalkthroughtheshelter
“It’llbeokay,buddy.”IsmoothmypalmdownhisbackasIreachtheroomwherehisnewdadissupposedtobewaiting.“You’regoingtoloveyournewfamily.”
Hemakesalow,growlysound,likehedoesn’tbelieveme.
Ipushthroughthedoor,stoppingwhenIseethelarge,tattooedmaninside.
JaxonRiley,whoInowknowtobetheVancouverViperssuperstardefenseman,oneoftheNHL’smostnotoriousfighters,agiganticplayboy,andoneofAdam’sbestfriends,smiles.“Hi,Rosie.”
Mittens’headwhipsaround,andwithameow
thatechoesacrossthegalaxy,helauncheshimselfoffmychest.Jaxonchuckles,crouchingtocatchhiminhisarms.Myheartwarmsatthesight,MittenstuckinghisfluffywhiteandorangeheadintothecrookofJaxon’sneck,theperfectfit.
“Hey,Mitts,”Jaxonwhispersagainsthisfur.“You’recominghome,marshmallow.”
IdisguisemylaughasacoughwhenMittensscurriesupJaxon’sshirtanddrapeshimselfoverhisbroadshoulders.“DoesyourshirtsayCatDaddy
?”
Jaxondoesn’tevenbataneye.“Fuckyeah,itdoes.IwantedittosaySluttyCatDaddy
,butAdamwouldn’tletme.He’snofunsometimes.”
Clearingmythroat,Istartflippingthroughtheadoptionpaperwork.“Almostdidn’trecognizeyouwithoutyourmustache.”
HissmirkisproudasherubsthespotwherethatfakemonstrositywaswhenIfirstmethim.Now,there’sonlystubble.“Thinkingofgrowingarealone.Icanrockit,right?Garrettlookedridiculouswithhis,though.Right?Ilookedbetter?”
“Iswhoworethefakemustachebetterwhenyoucametospyonmereallyacompetition?”
“Everything’sacompetitionbetweenmeandGarrett.Andweweren’tspyingonyou.”HechucklesatthesassyeyerollIhithimwith.“Okay,wewerespyingonyou,butonly’causeAdamwouldn’tshutupaboutyou,andweweretiredofwaitingforhimtobringyouaround.”
Myheartsinksathisharmlesswords,andIclutchtheclipboardinmyhands.“Um,so,youbroughtacarriertotakeMittenshome,that’sgreat.”
“Rosie.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’llhaveanyissue,givenhowmuchhelovesyou—”
“Rosie.”
“—buttheremaybeanadjustmentperiodwherehehidesawayand—”
“Rosie
.”Jaxon’schestappearsinmyfieldofvision,andMittensreachesacross,layingonepawonmyshoulder.“Thatcameoutwrong.Adamwasn’thidingyouawayfromusoranything.”
“Wasn’the?”
“Nah.That’snothisstyle.”Helaughssuddenly,scratchinghisstubbledjaw.“Actually,hewould,butonlybecausehe’dbeafraidwe’dscareyouoff.We’rekindofanoverbearinggroup.Likeabig,dysfunctionalfamily.Abig,dysfunctional,veryloving
family,”headdswithapointedlook.
“Ibelieveyou,”Isayquietly,movingpasthimtoinspecthiscarrier.
“Youdo?”
“OfcourseIdo.Themedialovesyourrelationship.”
NotalotofwhatIfoundonlinemademesmile,butonethingthatdidwasthislittlefamilyAdamseemstohaveformedwithsomeofhisteammatesandtheirpartners.Everytimethey’rephotographedonanightoutonthetown,they’retogether.Themedialovesreferencingtheirsocialmediaaccounts,too,especiallyCarterBeckett’s,theunderwearmodelwiththehugedickfromthebusshelterand,apparently,theteamcaptain.HisInstagramaccountisboggeddownwithpicturesofhisfamily:hisdaughter,hiswife,andhisbestfriends,alwaystogether.
“Themediadoesn’tknoweverything,”Jaxonremindsme.“Theyspinstoriestomakethemseemmoreinterestingthantheyare.”
“SoAdamisn’treallytheNHL’smosteligiblebachelor?”
Hehideshissmilebehindhishand.“Nah,hereallyis.Orwas,untilhemetyou.Butlookmeintheeyesandtellmeallthosearticlesabouthimbeingaserialdaterdidn’tmakehimsoundlikethebiggestfuckboy.”Amusedeyesmovebetweenmine.“Youcan’t,canyou?I’m
thefuckboy,notAdam.Iwasjusttryingtogetlaid;hewasjusttryingtofindhishappyplace.Andhefailed,everytime,untilhetookyouonapicnicdateandstoleyourhatjustsohe’dhaveareasontoseeyouagain.”
Myheartflutters,andhappinesscrawlsupmyface,tuggingatthecornerofmymouth.“Hetoldyouaboutthat?”
“Itoldyou,henevershutsupaboutyou.Connortoo.”
ItakeMittensfromJaxon,snugglinghimforthelasttime.“DidhetellyouhestartedanewscholarshipatmyschooljustsoIcouldgraduateontime?”
“Ithoughthewasstayinganonymous?”Jaxon’sfacefallsatmysmile.“Ahfuck
.”Heshakeshisfingeratme.“Yousneakylittleshit.Adam’sgonnakillme.”
IthurtstothinkaboutAdam,allthewayshe’sbeensoselfless,sosupportive.I’vewantedtobeangrywithhimforbeingselfishinhisdecisiontohidehimselffromme,butinallmyresearch,ineverythingI’vereadbetweenthelinesontheinternet,Iunderstand.Idon’tlikeit,butIdogetit.He’sbeenhurt,timeaftertime,andIcan’tfaulthimforbeingafraidtogethurtagain.
Aren’tweallafraidofheartbreak?Itcomesintoomanyforms,fromthepeopleyouleastexpect,anditneverhurtsanyless.
Thingis,though,intryingtoguardhisheart,hebrokebothofoursintheend.AndConnor’s,whoasksforDada
everysingleday,breakingmyheartalloveragain.
HuggingapurringMittensagainstmychest,Iclosemyeyes.“I’mgonnamissyou,buddy,butI’msohappyforyou.”Henudgeshissoftheadagainstmine,andIpressakisstoitbeforesecuringhiminthecarrier.
“Youcancomevisithimsometime,maybe,”Jaxonsays,takingthecarrierandfollowingmeouttoreception.“He’sgonnalivelikeaking.”
“Ihavenodoubt.”
Hepausesatthedesk,lookingmeover.“Youokay?”
“Fine.”
“You’dbesurprised,butyearsoffuckboybehaviorhavetaughtmethatwhenawomansaysshe’sfine,she’sneverfuckingfine.”
Imanageatiredlaugh,scrubbingmyexhaustedeyes.
“Seriously,what’sup?Youlooklikeyou’rereadytocrumble.”
“It’sjustbeenatoughcoupleofweeks.It’snothing.”Isniffle.“I’mfine.”
Iwaitforhimtonod,towalkoutthedoorwithhisnewbestfriend,buthedoesn’tmove.Juststaresatme.Waits.
“Ilostadogyesterday,”Iblurt.“Atschool.HernamewasPepperandshewasstilljustababy.Iheldherpawwhileshetookherlastbreath,andthenIhadtotellhermom…”Tearsblurmyvision,andthememorysqueezesmythroat.“Ihadtotellhermomshewasn’tgoinghome.AndallIwantedwastogotoAdam,becausehejustlistens,hedoesn’ttrytofixthingsthatcan’tbefixed.HeletsmefeelwhatIneedtofeel,andhemakesmefeelsafewhileIdoit.ButI’mstillso
hurt.Hewasmysafeplace,butIwasn’this.”Iswipeatmycheeks.OfcourseI’mcryingagain.FeelslikeallI’vedonethesepasttwoweeks.“Iwanttobesomeonehe’sproudtobewith,butinstead,itfeelssortoflikeIwashisdirtysecretratherthanhisfirstchoice.”
Thecarrierhitsthedesktoponmylastword,andJaxon’sarmscomearoundme,bringingmeintohischest.Heholdsmelikethatuntilmybodystopsshaking,untilmytearsstopcoming,andwhenhefinallyreleasesme,Ican’tlookathim.
Iwatchoutofthecornerofmyeyeasheroundsthedesk,shakesthemousetowakeupthecomputer,typesonthekeyboard.Thenhepullsmebackintohim.Ifeelhischinontopofmyhead,andforamoment,Isinkintothecompassion.
“Iknowitdoesn’tfeellikeitrightnow,butIpromiseyoueverythingwillbeokay.”Hereleasesme,picksupMittens,andwalkstothedoorbeforepausingoncemore.“Youwereneverhisdirtysecret,Rosie.You’rehisworld,andI’mprettysureit’sstoppedspinningsinceyou’vebeengone.”
ThoughtsofAdamrunrampantinmymindasIwatchJaxondriveaway.Footstepsapproach,andArchie’sfamiliarwhistlesoundsbehindmebeforeitcomestoasuddenhalt.
“Rosie?Whatisthis?”
Archie’sleaningoverthedesk,staringatthecomputer.Hegesturesmeoverwiththetipofhishead,andmyhearttriestoclawoutofmychestatthevideowaitingformeonthescreen,thecaptionuptop.
AdamLockwoodbreaksheartseverywhere:he’staken!
Thevideoiscuedup,pausedataspothalfwaythrough.Adamissittingonastool,wearingthesameoutfithehadonthelasttimeIsawhim.
Archiereachesforthemouse,butIgrabitaway.
“Jesus,”hemuttersasIpressPlay.“Iwasgonnadothat,bossygirl.”
“Notfastenough.”
Everythinginmybodyrollstoaslowstopwhenthevideostarts,Adam’sheartbreakingsmileondisplay,hisblueeyeselectric,thedeeptimbreofhisvoiceashetalksabouthislifeinVancouver.MystomachsqueezeslikeafistatthereminderfromthereporterthatIwouldn’thaveeverfoundAdamifhehadn’tre-signedtoVancouvershortlybeforewemet.
Imight’velivedthroughawholelifebeforehim,butnowithurtstoimagineonewithouthim.BecausewhenAdamtellsthecamerahisheartisinVancouver,Iknowmineistoo.
“I’llhavealotofangrywomenonmyhandslateronifIdon’taskthequestioneveryonewantstheanswerto,especiallysincetheNHL’sresidentserialdaterseemstohavecompletelydisappearedoffthedatingsceneinrecentmonths,”thereportersays.“So,Mr.Lockwood,everyonewantstoknow…istheresomeonespecialinyourlife?”
I’mhyperawareofArchie’sstare,ricochetingbetweenmeandthevideo,thewayeverythingaroundmefallsawayandslows,untilallIcanhearisthepatterofmyheart,thedrumofbloodinmyears.Myhandstremble,andI’mnearlyabouttoshutoffthecomputerwhenAdam’seyescomealive,afamiliarsparkthatholdssomuchlove,thegrinthatcomesoverhisface,splittinghischeeks.
“Yeah,thereissomeonespecial.Twosomeonespecials,actually.”
Thereporter’sbrowsjump.“Two
?”
Adamchuckles.“It’snothowitsounds.She’sgotalittleboy.”
“StepdaddyAdam
!”someoneshoutsfromoffcamera,followedbyaslewofhootsandwhistles.Hischeeksblazebeforeheduckshisheadtohidehissmile.
“Youlookprettysmitten,”thereportermuses.“It’snicetoseeyousohappy.”
“Iwasn’tsureI’dbethishappyagain.”Adamrubsthebackofhisneckandshrugs.“Theymakemewanttobetheverybestversionofmyself.”
“So,it’sseriousthen?Thiswomanandherson?”
“TheonlythingItakeasseriouslyishockey.”
“Areyouplanningonfollowinginyourcaptain’sfootsteps?”
“InormallystrivetodotheexactoppositeofCarter,”hesayswithachuckle.“ButIassumeyou’rereferencinghimsettlingdown,gettingmarried,startingafamily…”
“Exactly.”
Adam’sfingerstapagainsthiskneeforaquietmoment,andthenhesmiles.“I’vealwayslovedtheideaofbeingmarried.It’salwaysbeenanimportantpartofmylifeplan,becausemyparentshavebeenanincredibleexampleoftwopeoplewholoveeachotherworkingthroughthetoughestpartsoflife.They’reproofthatyoudon’thavetodoitalone,andIdon’twantto.Iwanttodoallthehardstuffwiththerightpersonbymyside.
“So,doIseemyselfsettlingdownwithher?Yeah,Ireallydo.Andstartingafamily?”Adamlooksdirectlyintothecamera,andforamoment,itfeelslikehe’slookingrightatme.“Wealreadyhaveone,butIcan’twaittokeepbuildingit.”
***
ThisisthefirsttimeI’vebeenhereonmyowninovertwomonths.
I’vehadAdamatmysidesinceIstumbledintohiminJuly.Withouthim,Ihaven’tbeenabletobringmyselftocomebackhere.
Butthisismyspace.BeforeAdam,thiswaswhereIfeltsafe.There’ssomethingsoinnatelycomfortinginthefeelofearthbeneathyourfeet,whereeverythingissogreen,sofresh,asignoflife,renewedenergy.Whereeachbreathofmountainairmakesyoufeelalivewithclarity.
Clarity.
It’sbeenmissingfortwoweeks,andrightnow,it’sallIneed.
“Quitlookingatmelikethat,sassygirl,”ItellPigletaswetrudgethroughtheforest,becauseit’saboutthehundredthtimeshe’sthrownthatgrumpylookatmeoverhershoulder.“Igetit:everythingiswaylessfunwithoutAdamandBear.I’mnotexcitingenough.”
Shecocksherhead,thosebeautifulbrowneyesblinkingatme.Thenshetrotsbacktomyside,nudgingmyhandbeforecarryingonbesideme.Shehasafunnywayofslowingmyracingthoughts,remindingmetogoeasyonmyself.Maybethat’swhywegetalongsowell.Wegiveeachotherthepatienceandlovewebothneed.
“Iknowit’sheresomewhere,”Imurmur,creepingthroughthetrees.I’dlongsincegivenuponfindingthosethirteen-year-oldinitialsmydadcarvedintothattreewhenIwaseleven.Imust’velookedahundredtimesovermyyearsinVancouver.It’ssilly,butwhenAdamfoundthem,Ithoughtmaybeitwasmyparents’wayoflettingmeknowtheywerewithus,thattheyapprovedofAdam.
AndIthinkthat’spartofthereasonIhaven’tbeenbackheresince.BecauseIknowifIdon’tfinditnow,whenIreallyneedit,I’llwonder.Mymindwillwandertothatdangerouswhat-if
territorythatIhate,whereIsecond-guesseverything.AndI’msodamntiredofsecond-guessing.Ijustwanttobesure.IwanttomoveforwardwithcertaintythatI’mmakingtherightdecisionforme.Nomatterwhichwaythisgoesintheend,IwanttoknowthatIbelievedinmyself,thatIgavemyselfatruechanceatlove,atahappyeverafterwithsomeonewhoonlyliftsmeup.
AndifIcan’tfindthistree,ifmybraintriestoconvincemyheartit’sasign…whatifI’mnotstrongenoughtobattlethatvoice?Whatifthevoicesoverwhelmme,andIgiveintothepressuretogiveup?
ItellmyselfI’mnotreallylooking,thatifIfindit,Ifindit.Butfiveminutesturnsintoten,andwhenI’vebeenwanderingincirclesforforty-fiveminutes,everythinginmychestpullstaut.
“It’shere,”ItellPiglet.“Iknowit’shere.Ithastobe.”
ButthelongerIcomeupempty-handed,themoreIdoubtmyself.AndthemoreIdoubtmyself,themoreIjustwanttocrawlintothearmsofmyparents,rememberhowitfeelstobesurrounded,protectedbythatkindofunconditionallove.
Sowhenmyheartgrowsheavyandthosevoicestrytowin,Igivemyselfgrace.Ipickatree,justanyoldone,andIsinktomybuttatthebaseofit.PigletdrapesherheadovermylapandlicksmyfingersasIfixmysightontheblueskyfilteringthroughthetrees,focusonpullinginbreathafterbreathoffreshair,clearingmymind.
“IamstrongerthanthevoicesinmyheadthattellmeI’mweak,”Iremindmyself.“Iprioritizemyselfandmyfamily,andImakedecisionswithmywell-beingatthecore.”Itakeadeepbreathandsinkintothemoment,theearthbeneathmyhands.IfIlistencarefully,Icanalmosthearit.Mylaughterringingthroughthetrees,Momtellingmetostayclose,Dadsuggestingasplashinthecreek.Icanhearthesloshofthewateraswedancethroughit,feelitschillkissmyfeet,andinthismoment,Ifeelthem.Placingmyhandovermybeatingheart,Isaywithcertainty,“EventhoughIcan’tseethem,myparentsarealwayswithme.”
PigletandIstaythereforahalfhour,andwhenIfinallypickmyselfupagain,myheadisclear.TherearenovoicestellingmewhatIcanorcan’tdo.Everythingfeelssteady.Sure.LikeIknowexactlywhereI’mgoing,andthereliefthatbrings,thesenseoffreedom,it’sstaggering.
Forthepasttwoweeks,I’vebeenbattlingtheoverwhelmingacheinsidemethat’sfeltsodamnhollow.I’veneverbeenempty,though,andIhadtoremindmyselfofthat.IhaveConnor,andourlittlefamilyisenough.Itwillalways
beenough.He’ssunshineseepingthroughthecracksofshatteredglassthat’sbeengluedbacktogether:hefillseveryemptyspacewithlight.
Thethingis,whensomeofthosebrokenpiecescamelooseandItriedtostuffthembackintoplace,Adamhelpedmerealizeitwasokaytoleavethemwheretheylie,outintheopen.Heheldtheminhishandsandshowedmehowmuchmorelightshonethroughwhenyoulearnedtoletgoandletthingsbe.
IguesswhatI’msayingisthateventhoughIhaveeverythingIneedwiththefamilyConnorandIhavecreatedwitheachother,thefamilyIthinkwebothwant…well,IthinkthatfamilyincludesAdam.
Becauseevenwhenhe’snothere,he’severywhere.
Maybethat’swhyI’mnotsurprisedwhenmyeyessettleonthatheartcarvedintothetoweringpinebeforeme,nestledinthethickoftheforest.Mygazetracesthelinesofthoseinitials,thenumbersthatmarkthetimeIspentherewithmyparents.Andfinally,myeyescoastdown.Downthetrunk,wherethetreemeetstheearth.
Wherestemsofbrightpinkpeoniesliescatteredaroundit,makingthistreeimpossibletomiss.
Becauseevenwhenhe’snothere,he’severywhere.
AndIdon’tthinkIwanthimanywhereelse.CHAPTER26
THEYCALLEDMYMOM
ADAM
Iforgot
howphysicallyexhaustingheartbreakis.
It’sstaringatyourphoneuntillateintothenight,rereadingoldmessages,smilingatpictures.Typingoutahundrednewmessages,onlytosecond-guessanddeleteeverysingleone.Heartbreakisforgettingtoeat,notsleepingatall,orsleepingwaytoomuch.It’sbrainfogandstomachaches,skippingyourmorningworkout,andforgettingyoumadeplans.
HeartbreakisathousandtimesworsewhenRosieistheoneyourheartismissing.
Iwishitwereaseasyasgettingonmykneesandbeggingforforgiveness,butasIsinkdowntooneofthecouchesinthemainlivingspaceofSecondChangeHome,Iknowit’snot.IliedtoRosie,someonewhotrustedmewitheverythingpreciousinherlife.Andinsteadofbeingfuriouswithme,insteadofyelling,tellingmeshe’dneverforgiveme,shecomfortedme.Shetookmypaininherhandsandgavemegrace.Forspace,forpatience.And,likeItoldherthen,I’dgiveheranythingshe’deveraskfor.
Aquietshufflebringsmygazeup,findinglittleLilystandingattheoppositeendofthecouch,handsclasped,headdown.
“Hey,Lily.”
“Hi,Adam.”Shescuffsatthefloor,bigbrowneyesbouncingtomine,thenbackdown.“CouldIsitwithyou?”
Ipatthecushionnexttome.“Youcanalwayssitwithme,sweetheart.”
Sheshufflesover,leavingagapbetweenus.“DidIdosomethingbad?”
“Somethingbad?”
Shenods,eyesfixedonherhandsinherlap.“SometimesathomeDaddywouldsayhedidn’twanttoseeme.HesaiditwasbecauseIwasbeingbad,butIneverknewwhatIdid.Hewouldlockmeinmyroomforawhile.”
Amuscleticsinmyjaw.“Awhile?”
“Yeah.Iwasn’tallowedtogooutsideorgodownstairstowatchTVorplaywithmytoys.MamawouldbringmesandwichesandstuffandcomeplaywithmewhileDaddywassleeping.”Shetugsatthehemofherdress,overandover,herknucklesturningwhite.“IthoughtmaybeIwasbadandyoudidn’twanttoseemeanymore.”
Angermovesthroughme,andIforcemyfiststounclench.Idon’tknowLily’sstory,butIknowIdon’twanttobeanythinglikeherdad.ThatI’veinadvertentlymadeherfeelunwantedwhileIwasinmyownheadthesepasttwoweeksmakesmesick.
Ireachacrossthegap,hookingmypinkyaroundhertinyone.“I’msorry,Lily-bug.Iwashavingacoupleoftoughdays,butIshouldn’tdisappearlikethat.I’msorryIscaredyou,andI’msosorryImadeyoufeellikeithadanythingtodowithyou.You’respecialtome,andI’dneverdoanythingtointentionallyhurtyourfeelingslikethat.”
Slowly,sheslideshersmallhandintomine.“HowcomeyoucalledmeLily-bug?”
“I’mnotsure.Butitsoundskindahappy,doesn’tit?AndIfeelhappywhenI’mwithyou.Feelsalittlelikemyheartissmiling.”
Herearsburnred,andshescruncheshernoseandmouth,tryingtohidehersmile.“MamausedtocallmeLily-bug.BeforeDaddysenthertoheaven.”
Fuck.“Ifyouwant,Iwon’tcallyouitagain.Youcankeepityourspecialnamethatyousharedonlywithyourmama.”
Lilystaysquiet,scoochingcloseandturningourclaspedhandsoverinherlap,runningonetinyfingertipovermyknuckles.“Whyareyousadtoday?”
“Notdoingagoodjobofhidingit,huh?”
Hernosecrinkles.“Maybeyou’rebetterathockey?”
“Ihopeso,”Ichuckle,thensigh.“Ihurtsomeone’sfeelings.Someonespecialtome.Iliedtoheraboutsomethingsilly,anditreallyhurther.”
“Howcomeyoudidthat?”
“Iwasscaredofgettinghurt,andIdidn’twanttoloseher.Ithoughtmaybeshemightlikemebetterifshedidn’tknowIplayedhockey.”
Lilycocksherhead.“Butwhy?Ilikeyoueventhoughyouplayhockey.”
“Yeah?”Isqueezeherhand.“Whydoyoulikeme?”
“Becauseyou’renicetome,youmakemelaugh,youmakebraceletswithme,andondayswhenI’mreallysad,IforgetwhyI’msadwhenyouplaywithme.”
Somethingwarmmovesthroughme,andIfighttheurgetowrapthislittlegirlupinmyarms.“Thatmakesmefeelreallyspecial,Lily.Thankyou.”
“Youarespecial,Adam.”Thecompassionshininginhergazerocksmetomycore.Inthismoment,IrealizehowmuchsheremindsmeofRosie.“Icouldgiveyouahug,ifyouwant.MamasaidIhavemagichugs.Theyalwaysmadeherfeelhappywhenshewassad.Soifyouwant…”Sheshrugs.“Icouldgiveyouahug.”
“I’dloveamagichug.”
Cautiously,shewrapshertinyarmsaroundme.Iwindmyarmaroundherback,holdinghergently,andasshesnugglesintome,everythingfeelslikeit’llbeokay.Iguessthat’sthemagic.
“Adam?IthinkyoucouldcallmeLily-bug.Likemymamadid.”
“Thatwouldmakemefeelreallyspecialtosharesomethingwithyouthatyouonlysharedwithyourmama.”
“Ithinkshe’dlikeitifIshareditwithyou.”Shelaysherheadagainstme,sighingsoftly.“Youfeelsafe,justlikemymama.”
***
Theycalledmyfuckingmom.
Mydad,too,buthesimplyclappedmybackandslidoutintothebackyardwiththerestoftheguys,murmuringaquick,“Goodluck,”beforeleavingmealonewiththispackofvicioushyenas.
“Quitefrankly,”mymomstarts,“it’sabouttimeIwasinvitedtogirls’night,sincesomebody
hasbeenignoringmyphonecalls.”
Iscuffatmyfloor.“I’vebeenbusy.”
“Busywallowinginself-pity,”Caraclarifieswithaneyeroll.
“BusymissingRosie,”OliviacorrectswithasharplookatCara.
“Busytakingcareofhisprematurearthritis’causehe’sbacktojackingoffnow,”Jenniemumbles,checkingouthernails.
Idragmyhandsdownmyface.“How
?”
“Howwhat?”Caraasks.
“Howareyouguysmybestoption?”
“Hey!”Oliviapropsherfistsonherhips.“Itakegreatoffensetothat!I’mmostlynormaland
mature!”
Withmyelbowsonmykneesandmyheadinmyhands,Irunmyfingersthroughmyhair.“Maybewecallitanight.”IruffleBear’sears,andhecracksonesleepylid,staringupatmefrommylap.“Whatdoyouthink,bud?AmIalostcause?”
“Adam.”Oliviasqueezesinbesideme.“You’renotalostcause.”
“Iknowhoweasyitistogiveuponyourself,”Jennieoffersgently.“Butwearen’tgoingtoletyoudothat.”
“Ijustreallymissher.”Irubmychest,tryingtosoothetheachebeatingthere.“It’snotgettinganyeasier,givingherspace.Ionlygetangrierwithmyselfeachdaythatgoesbywithouther.”
“IhateCourtney,”mymommutters.
“I’mwithBev,”Carasays,slingingonelegovertheother.“Andit’snottoolatetocirclebacktomyoriginalideaofrunningherdownwithmycar.”
“We’renotrunninganyoneover,”Oliviasays.“Butifsheweretobeaccidentallypushed—”Sheholdsupahand,stoppingherselfandshakingherhead.“OfalltheterriblethingsCourtneyhasdone,theworstbyfarisbreakingyoudowntothepointofbelievingyou—exactlyasyouare—areunworthyofsomeone’slove.”
Ihangmyhead.“Idon’tevenknowwhoIamanymore.”
“Weknowwhoyouare,Adam,”Jennieinsistsquietly.“You’reeternallyhopeful.Somebodywhoalwaystriestoseethebestinothers.”
“Yourootforeveryone,andyoualwaysstandbyyourfriends’sides,”Oliviaadds.
“Youcheerforthelittlepeoplewhocan’tcheerforthemselves,”Caratellsme.“Someofthosekidsdidn’thaveareasontosmileuntilyoucameintotheirlives.”
“You’vegotthebiggestheartoutofanyoneIknow,”Garrettsaysfrombehindme,andIturn,findingmyfriendsandmydadinmypatiodoorway.
“WhenIfeellikeafailure,Ifindyou,”Emmetttellsme.“YouliftmeupandremindmehowfarI’vecome.”
“Youmakemewanttobeabetterperson,”Jaxonmumbles,gazebouncingfrommetothefloor.“IthinkIkindaalreadyam,andit’sbecauseIfollowyou.”
Carterleansagainstthedoorway,hisdaughterinhisarms.“Youbelieveinmewhennooneelsedoes.”
Ihuffatiredlaugh.“That’sproventobeanexpensivetraitofmine.”
“Andyougivethebestsnuggles,”hecoosinababyvoice,wavingIreland’sarmsaroundasshegiggles.“Andyou’redefinitelythemosthandsomeandstrongofallmyuncles,almostashandsomeandstrongasmydaddy,butnotquite.”
Laughterringsthroughouttheroom,andCartersetshissmilingdaughterdowninmyarms.“Seriously,man,youdon’tseeyourselfclearly.Andwegetit.Howcouldyouaftereverythingyou’vebeenthrough?Butifyoulookaroundthisroom,you’llseeabunchofpeoplewholoveyou.”Heshrugs.“Butyouneedtoloveyoutoo.EspeciallyifyouwantRosietoloveyou.”
“Whydoyoufeellikeyoudon’tdeserveher?”mydadasks.
“Ineversaidthat.”
“Notwithyourwords,maybe.Butthat’swhatyouractionssaid,isn’tit?Youhidwhoyouwerebecauseyoufeltlikethatpersonmightbelessdeservingofherlove.”
Rosieiseverythinggoodandbrightinthisworld.She’sgotthepurestheart,madeofthewarmestsunshine.She’stheembodimentofcompassionandgrace,thekindestpersonI’veeverknown,someonewhostrivestogivepeopletheunderstandingshedidn’treceivewhensheneededitmost.She’scontinuouslyworkingonherself,takingdifficultstepstogivehersonthelifehedeserves.She’salwaystryingtobethebestversionofherself,butIdon’tthinksheneedstochangeathing;herdriveandherheartensureshe’ssomeonewhoonlyputsherbestfootforwardeverytimeshemoves.
“WhatifIcan’tgivehereverythingshe’sspentherlifesearchingfor?”Iwhisper.“Ican’tbeapartnerwho’sathersideeverydaywhenI’mtravelingseventy-fivepercentoftheyear.I’llmissbirthdaysandanniversaries,andIwon’tbeholdingherhandthroughsomeofhertoughestmoments.HowcanIbethepartnershedeserves?ThefamilysheandConnorneed?”Ishakemyheadasthetruthgripsmythroat.“Ican’tbe.”
“Ah,”mymommurmurs.“Sothat’swhyyouonlychoseherwithhalfofyourheart.”
Thegirlsareallnodding,butI’msittinghere,solostIcan’tfigureoutleftfromright.
“Hereyouhavethisbeautifulwomanwho’slivedherlifenotbeingchosen.Whohaswantednothingmorethanforsomeonetoseeherandloveherenoughtochooseherandherson.Andyouchoseher,Adam,youreallydid.Butyoudidn’tchooseyourself.Youtookallofher,andyouonlygaveherhalfofyouinreturn.Allthosebrokenpiecesdon’tmakeawholeunlessyougiveallofthemtoher.”
Allthistime,Iwantedsomeonetolikethepartsofmethatweren’tdefinedbyhockey.Iwantedsomeonetoseemeoutsidethesportandeverythingit’sbroughtme,andwantthosepartstoo.Becauseforsolong,that’sallI’vebeen.Butthetruthis…hockeyisapartofme.It’smademeeverythingIamtoday,boththegoodandthebad.I’mloyalandsupportivebecauseIknowhowtobepartofateam.I’mempatheticbecauseIknowwhatitfeelsliketolose,toputsomuchpressureonmyselftosucceed,andIknowwhatit’sliketohavepeoplesupportmeeverystepofthewaywhenIdon’tthinkIdeserveit.IloveashardasIdobecausepeoplehavelovedmejustashardback.
Andbecausepeoplehavebrokenme,andInever,everwanttobelikethem.
IfoundRosie.Finally,Ifuckingfoundher
.Someonewhomakesmefeellikeaperson
.IforgetwhenI’mwithher.ForgetthatI’vebeenbroken.Iforgettoputonanact.IforgethowmuchmoneyI’mworthandyetstill,withherbymyside,Ifeelfuckingpriceless.
Irreplaceable.WhenI’mwithRosie,Ifeellikethere’snoonealivewhocanloveherthewayIdo,thewayIwanttopromisetoloveherforaslongasshe’llletme.
ButwhenI’malone,Iremember.
IrememberthatI’vebeenreplacedbysomeoneIloved.ThatI’vebeennothingbutdollarsigns,afancyhouse,andahandsomeface.IforgetallthethingsRosielovesaboutme,thethingsIloveaboutmyself,andIfixateoneverythingelse.EverythingthatpullsmedeeperintothelieI’vespun,whereIcan’tfacethepossibilityofgivingRosieeverything,becauseeverythinghasneverbeenenough.
“WhatifIgiveherallofmeandshedecidesshedoesn’twantit?”Thewordsarehoarse,halfwaytobroken,barelyhangingontoathreadofhope.“Idon’thaveanythingelsetogiveher.”
Olivialaysherhandovermine.“Yougivewhatyoucan,Adam,andifshedoesn’twantit,that’sherloss,andit’sabigone.Butforwhatit’sworth,Ican’timaginehernotlovingallofyou.Whatyou’vegivenheriswhoyouare;thehockeyisjustanextensionofyourself.Itdoesn’tchangeasinglethingaboutyourheart.Sheneedstogiveyouachancetoshowherthat—andshewill,becauseshe’salwaysbeensopatient,sogoodatmakingyoufeelseen.Andyouneedtobewillingtoletherhaveallthosepieces,totrustherwiththem.”
“It’sokaytobescared,Adam,”Jenniemurmurs.“Becausewhenyouhavetroublelovingyourownbrokenpieces,nothingseemsscarierthangivingthemtosomeoneelse.”HereyesflittoGarrett,andsomethingsoftmovesacrosshergaze.“Butsometimesthosepeopleshowyouexactlyhowtolovethebrokenbitsofyourself.Tothem,you’renotbrokenatall.”
Mymomsmilessoftlyfromacrosstheroom.“GoshowRosiehowwellyoucanloveher,simplybecauseyou’reyouandshe’sher.ShowherthatsheandConnorarethefamilyyouchoosebecauseyou’reeachother’sperfectfit.Showherthatthemanshe’sfallenforandthehockeyplayershe’sonlyjustmetareoneandthesame.Showheryouloveher,Adam,becauseweknowyoudo.Anddeepdown,Ithinksheknowstoo.”
Carawipesasingletearfromhereye,sniffling.“Iknewcallingyourmomwasmybestworkyet.Ican’twaittoseehowIeventuallytopit.”
Mydadcomestostandbehindme,nudgingmyshoulder.“Maybetwoweeksislongenoughtowaitidlyonthesidelines.You’vebeenpatient,andthat’sgreat.NowmaybewhatRosieneedsisforyoutostepupandremindherthatyou’restillhere,andyou’renotgoinganywhere.Thatwhenshe’sready,you’llberighthere,readytomoveforwardwithher.”Hewinks.“Womenlovemenwhochasethemjustalittle.Justaskyourmom.”
“AndOllie,”Carteraddswiththepumpofhisbrows.“Shewantedmefromthebeginning,butshepretendedshedidn’t—”
“Carter.”
“Fine,”hegrumbles,crossinghisarms.“Butitwasrelevant.”
Momhugsmefrombehind,kissingmytemple.“I’mproudofyou,honey.Iwantyoutobeproudofyoutoo.”ShebrushesoneofIreland’scurlsfromherforehead.“Jesus,Carter,Ican’tbelieveyouhadahandinmakinganythingsobeautifulandpure.ThankGodforyourincrediblewife.”Shestraightens,pattingmyshoulder.“Garrett,I’vegotaboxofsnacksforyououtinthe—”
“Sayless,”hesays,breathlessashedashesdownthehallway.
It’samazinghow,justlikethat,myworriesbegintofade.Iguessthat’swhatfamilyisfor,though:toliftyouupwhenyou’vefallensohardyoucan’tseeyourwayout.Eventhehardestthingsfeelmoremanageablewithmyfamilysurroundingme.
Soaswespendtherestoftheeveningsoakingupthelastofsummeronthepatio,drinkingbeerandeatingbarbecue,Ifeelcontent.Forthefirsttimeintwoweeks,Ifallasleeppeacefully,andwhenIwakeinthemorningwithsunshinestreamingacrossmyface,I’moptimistic.
Thetimeonmyphonetellsmeit’safternine,whichisprobablywhyBearisn’tinbed.IfIhaven’tfedhimbyseven,Icanfindhimwaitingathisbowlinthekitchen,actinglikeI’vestarvedhimfordays.
Iwanderdownstairs,thesmellofmymom’sFrenchtoastwaftingfromthekitchen,makingmystomachrumble.Idropakisstohercheek,stealingapieceofbaconfromtheplatter.
“Morning,honey.ItriedtofeedBear,buthewasn’tinterested.”Shegesturesattheyard.“He’sloungingoutbackinthesun.Seemslikehe’smovingabitslowtoday.”
“Thanks,Mom.”Iheadoutbackwithhisbowl,whistlingforhim.Hisheadpopsupfromwherehe’scurledupbeneaththeshadeofanoak,buthedoesn’tmoveexceptfortheexcitedwhipofhistailasIapproach.“What’sup,bud?”Isethisbowldowninfrontofhim,rufflinghisfloppyearsandkissingthespotbetweenhiseyes.Helayshisheadbackdown,andIfrown,runningmypalmoverhisbelly.It’shardtotellbeneathallthefur,butitfeelsswollen,bloatedalmost.“Yougotabellyache,bigguy?”
Hugebrowneyesstareupatmeashistailslowstoahappy,steadythumponthegrass,buthemakesnomovetoeathisbreakfast.
“Grandma’smakingbacon,”Itry,andthatsteadythumpturnsfranticbeforeheclimbstohisfeet.“’Attaboy.C’mon,bigguy.It’sthegoodstuff,doublesmokedandmapleflavored.”
Hejogsaheadofme,ahappyskiptohisstepbeforehestopssuddenly.Hiseyescometomineoverhisshoulder,andforamomentIthinkhe’swaitingformetocatchup.
Untilallone-hundred-and-fortypoundsofhimcollapsesonthepatio.CHAPTER27
HOWMANYFUCKINGSHOESARETHERE?
ROSIE
Clarityhas
afunnywayofmakingyoufeellikeyou’vebeentiedtoabundleofheliumballoons,floatingabovetheskieswiththesharpestviewofyourworld,wherealltheanswersliebeforeyoulikeanopenbook.Thetypeofclaritythatcomeswithpausing,takingthetimetoreflectonyourprioritiessoyoucanchooseyourfuturewithcertainty.
Connorismyeverything.He’smypast,mypresent,andmyfuture.ButAdam,he’sour
future.That’sthetypeofknowledgeclarityhasbroughtme,hadmeGooglingVancouverViperstrainingcampdates
,andVancouverViperspreseasongameschedule
lastnight.GoogletoldmeheleavestomorrowforhisfirstpreseasongameinEdmonton,soifIwanttotalktohim—andIdo—ithastobetoday.
ThathastobewhyI’vebeenfloatingthroughmymorningemergencyrotationwithasmileonmyface,notanounceoftensioninmyshoulders.
Allright,IhavetocredittheextrashotofespressoIaddedtomyicedvanillalattethismorning.Andokay,italsohelpsthattheemergencieshavebeennonexistentsofar.We’vespentthemorninglookingatoldX-raysandtheircorrespondingclinicalnotesandtellingDr.Holmeswhatwethinkwasgoingonwiththeanimals.I’venailedallofthemsofar,soIfloatalittlehigherasIheadtoreceptiontofiletherecordsaway.
“It’shardtobelieveafterdayslikeFriday,”Dr.Holmessays,“butwedohavegooddaysaroundhere.Enjoythemwhentheycome.”
MymindwandersbacktoawarmsummernightwhenIcreptoutthefrontdoor,determinedtotriple-checkonthebabybunnywe’dreturnedtoitsemptynestinthepark,tomakesureitsmomreallydidcomeback.Mydadcaughtmeattheendofthedriveway,andwewalkedovertogether.ThatwasthefirsttimeItoldhimIwantedtobeavetlikehim,andhetoldmethesamethingDr.Holmesdid:thatdespitealltheharddays,whereallI’ddowascryandwanttoquit,therewouldbesomanygooddaystoo.
Thegooddaysweren’talwaystheeasydays
,he’dsaid.Andhewasright.Sometimes,theywerethedaysyoufeltlikeyouwerehangingbyathread,whereyouwonderedwhyyouchosesomethingthatcouldbesopainful,onlytowatchafurryfriendopenitseyeswhenyouweren’tsurethey’dopenagain,whenthearmsoftheirhumancamearoundyouwithoutwarning,huggingyousotightastheythankedyou.
Thedayswhereyoucanlookbackandknowyoumadeadifference
,he’dsaid.Thosearethedaysthatmakeitallworthit.
Iknowthedayswillbehard.Iwanttobesomeonewhotakesthepainofsomebody’shardestdayandmakesitalittleeasiertocarry.
Anengineroarscloseby,followedbythesquealoftiresintheparkinglot.Murmuredchattereruptsaroundmeasmycolleaguesgatherbythefrontwindowstowatchourfirstemergencyunfold.
“Sorrytocutoureasydayshort,everyone,”Dr.Holmessays.Hereyescometomine.“Ready?”
Inod,pullingmystethoscopefrommypocket,hangingitaroundmyneck.Mylegscarrymequicklytowardthedoors,andInearlytripovermyfeetwhenadarkbluepickuptruckskidstoastopoutfront.Whenthepassengerdooropens,myheartstops.
“IsthatAdamLockwood?”someonewondersoutloud,andwhenAdamjumpsdownfromthepassengerseat,hisone-hundred-and-forty-pounddoglimpinhisarms,I’malreadypushingthroughthedoor,runningtowardhim.
“Rosie!”Adamscreamsasprofessionalsandstudentsalikesurroundhim,reachingforBear.“IneedRosie!”HeclutchesBeartohisheavingchest,hiseyestearingthroughtheparkinglot,slidingrightoverme.“No!Youcan’ttakehim.OnlyRosiecantouchhim!”
Ishovemywaythrough,grabbingAdam’sfaceandpullinghistorturedgazetomine.“Breathe,Adam.Breathe,baby.I’mrighthere.”
Sapphireeyessettleonmine,red-rimmedandpanicked.“Theycan’ttakehim,”hewhispers.“Idon’ttrustthem.I-I-I…Itrustyou.”
IcoverAdam’stremblinghand,hisfingerstangledinBear’sfur.“I’mgoingtolookatBear,okay?Butyoucantrusteveryonehere,Ipromiseyou.Theywanttohelp.”
“You’regonnalookathim?”Hopefuleyesbouncebetweenmine.“You?Becauseheknowsyou.He-he…helovesyou.”
“AndIlovehimtoo.Verymuch.”
Ahandsome,broadmanwithdeepbrownskinclimbsoutofthedriver’sseatofAdam’struck,comingtostandbehindhim,squeezinghisshoulder.IknowthismanfromthehappyphotosliningAdam’sstaircase,butwhatIdidn’tknowabouthimuntilGoogletoldmeisthatDeaconLockwood,Adam’sfather,isaretiredNFLplayer.Aquarterback,tobespecific,andIguessthat’skindofabigdeal.
Amongtheworry,hisgazeshineswithkindness.“Hi,Rosie.”
“Hi,Mr.Lockwood.”WeshareasoftsmilebeforeIrunmyfingersthroughAdam’smussedcurls,cuppinghischeek.“WeneedtotakeBearinsidesowecanlookathimrightaway,okay?”
Hischinquivers,tearsclingingtohisdarklashes.Whenheblinks,theyrundownhischeeks.“Ican’tlosehim,Rosie.I-I-Ican’t.He’smybestfriend.”
“We’regoingtodoeverythingwecanforhim.Ipromise.”
“Mr.Lockwood,I’mDr.Holmes,Rosie’sprofessorandtheheadofemergencysurgeryhere.”SheguidesAdamandhisdadinside.“Let’swalkandtalksowecangetcaughtuponBearandgethimstabilizedrightaway.Canyoutelluswhathappened?”
“Idon’tknow.”AdamsetsBeardownontheexamtable.“Hewasfinelastnight.Hewasplayingwithhisfriendinthebackyard,andhetookupthewholebedatnighttimelikehelikesto,Rosie,youknow?Andthenthismorning,hewouldn’teatbreakfast,andyouknowhowmuchhelikeshisfood.Thenhejust…fell.Hewaswalking,andhejustcollapsed.”
Ismiledownattheheavilypantingdog,liftinghisburlyfrontpawasIpressmystethoscopetohischest.“Didhevomitatall?”
Adamsqueezeshiseyesshut,hisforeheadcreasing.“Ican’t…Ican’tremember.”Helookstohisdad.“Dad?”
“Yes,”Deaconanswersforhim.“Bearvomitedthreetimesinthebackyard.”
“Hi,Bear,”Imurmur,brushingmythumbalongBear’ssnout.“Imissedyou.Whatareyoudoingnoteatingyourbreakfast,huh?Youneverpassupfood.”Mybig,burlyguywhimpers,nuzzlingmyhand.Theweakthrobofhispulseinmyearssqueezesatmythroat.“I’mgoingtohelpyoubreathealittleeasier,okay,bigguy?”Itellhim,fittinghimwithanoxygenmask.Mypalmsslidealonghisribcage,movinggentlyoverhisbelly.DreadclawsitswayupmychestwhenIfeeltheswellingthere,andthelookIsharewithDr.HolmessayssheknowsexactlywhatI’vefound.
Thiscan’tbehappening,notagain,notthissoon,andnottoourBear.
Iwipemyforeheadonmywristbeforecurlingmyfingersintomypalms,nailsbitingintostillmypanic.“I’dliketostartBearonanIVrightaway.He’sinshock,andthiswillhelptostabilizehim.I’dalsoliketodoanX-ray.”
“Whatfor?Doyouthinkhebrokesomething?”
“TheX-raywillgiveusmoreinformation.Hisstomachisbloated,andthere’sachanceitmighthavetwisted.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?Howdoyouuntwistit?”
Isqueezehisforearm,andhisshouldersdriftawayfromhisearsasheleansintomytouch.“Let’stakealookinsideandseewhat’sgoingonfirst.YouandyourdadcanstaywithhimduringtheX-ray,andthenDr.HolmesandIwilldiscusswhatwesee,andwe’llcomebacktotalktoyouaboutaplanofaction.Doesthatsoundokay?”
Adamagrees,andonceBearhasanIVinandisstabilized,anX-raytechcomestowheelhimtoanotherroom.
Adam’shandcomesdownoverBear’sbelly,panickedeyesshootingtomine.“Rosie?Iwantyoutodoit.”
WarmthrushesthroughmewhenIcoverhishandwithmine,likemybodyhasmissedthis,comesalivejustforhim.“ThisisMaribel’sjob,andshe’sreallyamazingatit.ShehasaTibetanMastiffathome,too,didyouknowthat?”
Maribelsmiles.“EvenbiggerthanBear,ifyoucanbelieveit.”
HelooksdownatBear,andIsqueezehishand,bringinghiseyesbacktomine.“Ican’twaitforyoutoseehowgentleMaribeliswithhim.He’sgoingtoloveher.Maybeevenmorethanhelovesme.”
Hisgazeflickerswithsomethinglikedisbelief.“That’snotpossible,”hemurmursbeforegivingMaribelaweaksmile.“Okay.We’reready.”
ItellmyselfI’mnotjumpingtoanyconclusions.ItellDr.HolmesthatI’mhopeful,thattheX-rayswillshowthestomachstillinproperposition,sowe’llbeabletoremoveanygasquicklyandeasily.
Itellmyselfeverythingisfine,butwhenthoseX-raypictureslandinmyhandsfifteenminuteslater,showingmethedamningevidence,theyfallrighttotheground,Dr.Holmes’seyesfollowing.
“Bear’sstomachistwisted.HehasGDV.”
***
“Idon’tunderstand.”Adam’squiet,lostvoicepuncturesmychestashestaresdownatBear,hisheadrestingagainsthistorso.“IsitsomethingIdid?Isitmyfault?”
“GDVdoesn’thavemuchofarhymeorreason,”IrepeatthesameinformationIgavetoMrs.Greenejustthreedaysago,onlythistime,Ican’tswallowtheheartache.“Biggerbreedswithadeepchest,likeBear,areatahigherrisk,thoughitcanhappentoanydog,andevencats.GDVhappenswhenthestomachexpandswithgasandthenrotates,ortwists,blockingtheentranceandtheexit.”
“Sothegashasnowheretogo,”hemurmurs,aprotectivepalmslidingoverBear’sbelly.“Howcommonisit?”
“ThechanceadogBear’ssizecontractsGDVisabouttwenty-onetotwenty-fourpercent.”
“Fuck.HaveyouevertreatedadogwithGDV?”
IlooktoDr.Holmes,andshenods,gesturingformetocontinue.“ThispastFridaywediagnosedaSt.BernardwithGDV.”
“Whathappened?”
ThewordsarelosttoAdam’sbrillianteyes,holdingontothatsparkofhopebutdimmingfast.
“Rosie,”hewhispers.“Whathappened?”
“Pepper—”Hernamecatchesinmythroat,breaking,burning.“Pepperpassedduringsurgery.Herstomachcouldn’thandlethepressureanylongerandrupturedbeforewecouldreleaseit.”Asingletearleaksfromthecornerofmyeye,andIsniff,swipingitaway.“Iunderstandwhythatmightmakeyouhesitanttoproceed,butsurgeryistheonlyoption.WewouldreleasethegasandsetBear’sstomachbackinthenormalposition,thenperformagastropexy,whichiswhereweattachhisstomachtohisabdominalwalltopreventfuturetwisting.”Ihesitate.“IfBeardoesn’thavesurgery,Adam,hewilldie.Thereisn’tanotheroutcome.”
Hischestrisessharply,andhestrokesahanddownBear’sside.“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Itrustyou,Rosie.Ifyousayheneedssurgery,let’sdoit.”
Trust
.It’sadouble-edgedswordsometimes,isn’tit?Iwantit.I’mhonoredtohaveit.AndyetI’mterrifiedtobetheonetobreakit,evenunintentionally.
SoIonlynod,prayingIdon’thavetodothattoday,andthenexcusemyselftohavetheoperatingroomprepped.
Dr.Holmescatchesmeinthehallway.“Areyouokaytodothis?There’snoshameinsteppingback.It’salwaysdifficult,butwhenyouhaveapersonaltietoananimal—”
“IwanttostaywithBear.Pleasedon’ttakemeoutofthis.”
“Ifyoufeelyourcontrolslippingatanytime,youletmeknow,andsomeoneelsecanstepin.”
“Thankyou,butIwon’tlosecontrol.”It’sonlyahalflie;I’llkeepittogetheruntilthesurgeryends.
WhentheORisready,ImakemywaybacktotheexamroomwhereAdamwaitswithBearandhisdad.Deaconsmilesatme,gettingtohisfeet.
“Yourmomisonthewayover.I’mgoingtomeetheroutfront.”HeclapsAdamontheback,kisseshishead,andthentakesBear’sfaceinhishands.“You,bigboy.IknowI’mgonnaseeyoulater.Icanfeelitallthewaydowntomyfeetyoulovetositonsomuch.”Hepressesakisstohisnose,andBearreciprocatesthesentimentwithalanguidflickofhistongueoverDeacon’sface.“You’resuchagoodboy,Bear.”
Deaconpausesatmysideonthewayby.“Thankyoufortakingcareofmyboys,Rosie.Iknowhowmuchtheyloveyou.”
Thewordshangheavyintheairashewalksaway,leavingAdamtostareatthedeepflushthesentimentleavesonmycheeks.
“We’rereadyforBear,”Itellhim.“Dr.Holmeswillperformthesurgery,and—”
“Butyou—”
“Ican’tdothesurgery,Adam.MyjobistoassistherwithinstrumentsandmonitorBearwhileIwatchandlearn.”
Henibbleshislowerlip.“Youwon’tleavehisside?”
“Never.Ipromise.”
“He’sgoingtobeokay,Rosie.Right?”Hiswordsaredrenchedindesperation,justliketheheartbreakinglookdimminghiscobalteyes,beggingmeforapromiseheknowsIcan’tmake.
“He’sgoingtobesurroundedbylove,Adam.Icanpromiseyouthat.”
“Yeah,”hemurmurs,watchingourhandsdancealongsideeachotherdownBear’sside,nearlytouching.“Iknow.Yougivethebestkindoflove.”Hesniffs,hisgazecomingtomine,andthetrustthatlivestheregripsmyheart.“Thankyou,Rosie.”
Adamcrouches,takingBear’sfaceinhishands.BeautifuleyespoolwithtearsbeforeherestshisforeheadonBear’s,andIturnaway,swattingawaythesingle,fatteardropthatescapesandstealsitswaydownmycheek.
“Iloveyou,Bear,”Adamwhisperstohim.“You’rethebestdogintheworld,andmybestfriend.”HepressesonelastkisstoBear’shead,andonthewayoutthedoor,hisfingersfindmine,tanglingtogether,squeezingtenderly
Ashedisappearsintothereceptionarea,Ican’thelpthefearthatclawsitswayupmythroat.Andminuteslater,whenbigbrowneyesstareupatmebeforetheyclose,thesedationdoingitswork,thoseclawssinkdeeper,unwillingtoletgo.
BecauseifBeardoesn’tmakeitthroughtheothersideofthis,whatifAdamneverforgivesme?Whatif,today,Ilosethemboth?
ADAM
Ididn’tthinkitcouldgetworse.Ithoughtalltheshoeshaddropped,andyethereIam,facedwiththepossibilityoflosingnotonlyRosieandConnorbutnowmyBeartoo.
Howmanyfuckingshoesarethere?
MyonlysolaceisthatI’msurroundedbymyfamily.Mydadpacesthereceptionarea,andCarteriscrouchedbyasmallenclosure,quietlyshowingIrelandalitterofkittenswhileJaxontakesturnssnugglingthem.JenniesitsnexttoGarrett,herheadrestingonhisshoulder,andOliviaandmymomflankmysides,whisperingreassuringwordstomeasIwaitwithmyheadinmyhands.
ImadethemistakeoflookingupGDVtheminuteIsatdown.ArticleafterarticlethatleftmesuddenlysureI’dneverseemydogagainbecausehedisplayedsomeofthemostadvancedsymptoms.Ididn’tstopuntiltheclinicdoorsopenedbehindmeandmyfriendswalkedin,Cartertuggingmyphoneawayandremindingmewhyhe’sourteamcaptain,abornleader,withahandfulofwords.
We’renotgonnadothat.We’renotgonnafocusonallthebadnumbers.We’regonnasitheretogether,becausethat’sthewaywe’restrongest,andwe’regonnafindpeaceinknowingthatBearisinthemostcapablehandsrightnow,andwe’regonnahope.That’swhatwe’regonnado,gotit?
Soinstead,I’vebeensittinghereforthelasthourthinkingabouteverythinggoodBearhasbroughtme.Theloyalty,thefriendship.Thewarmbodysnugglednexttomineinbedafterhavingmyheartshattered,thetip-tapofhispawsashefollowsmethroughthehouse,keepingmecompany.Thegoofylaughs,thebellyrubs,andthegentlestheart.
AndRosie.
BearbroughtmeRosie,andRosiebroughtmeConnor.
Iwouldn’thaveonewithouttheother,anditdoesn’tfeellikemyfamilyiscompletewithoutallthreeofthem.
Silencefallsovertheroom,andOliviagivesmyhandasmallsqueeze.Mygazeliftstoher,andIdragmyheadoutofmyhands,followingherstare.
Rosiestandsinthedoorway,wearygreeneyessweepingtheroom,settlingonme.Herhandscurlintolittlefistsathersides,andshestepstowardmeasIrisefrommyseat.Shemeetsmeinthemiddleoftheroom,allfivefootfourofherstaringupatme,thatdimpledchintrembling.
“It’sokay,”Itellherquietly.“Ifhedidn’t…”ThethoughtofalifewithouthimfarsoonerthanIshouldeverhavetothinkofitseizesmylungs,andIswallowagainstit.“Youcantellme.”
Tearsglisteninhereyes,andthecornerofhermouthhooks.“Beardidgreat.”
“He…what?”
“Thesurgerywassuccessful.Dr.Holmesreleasedthetrappedgasandattachedhisstomachtohisabdomenwall.Therewerenocomplications.”
Myheartkickstarts,thrashingagainstmyribcage.“He’sgoingtobeokay?”
Rosietakesmyhandsinhers,clutchingthemtightly.“He’sgoingtobeokay.”
Theroomdissolvesintocheers,andmyfamilycomesaroundme,atangledwebofarmshuggingmetightasreliefslidesthroughme.Thefeelingissostrong,sopalpableitknockstheairfrommystomach,makesmylimbsweak.Isinkintothelove,thefamilyI’msoluckytohavefound.
MyeyesopenintimetoseeRosieslippingsilentlyouttheclinicdoors,hurryingintotheparkinglot.
“Berightback,”Imurmur,detanglingmyselfandchasingafterthewomanwhojustranoutofherewithmyheartinherhands.
“Rosie!Wait.”
Sheglancesoverhershoulder,wavingmeoff.“I’mfine,Adam.Don’tworryaboutme.”
Icatchherwrist,pullingherbacktome.“Hey.Stop.”
Greeneyeswobble,eachbreathsharpandstaggered.“I’mfine,”sherepeats,andthelieissoweakInearlylaugh.“Youshouldbewithyourfamily.Bearwillbeawakesoon.Ijustneedtodosomething.”
“Iamwithmyfamily,andI’llbewithBearassoonashewakesup.SotellmewhatyouneedtodoandI’llhelpyou.”
Sheshakesherhead,tryingtopullfreefrommygrasp.“Ijustneedto…Ijustneedtodosomething,”shecries,chestheavingasherfacestartstocrumble.“Please.”
“Rosie.”Irunmypalmsupherarms,squeezinghershoulders.“Letgo,sweetheart.Letitgo.”
Thatlowerliptrembles,andallIwanttodoistrapitbeneathmythumb,takeitbetweenmylips.Iwantherpain,herworries,hertrust.Iwanthertogiveupcontrol,giveitalltome.I’lltakecareofher.
“Iwassoafraid,”shefinallywhispers,thewordsfracturedandmeek.“IwassoafraidweweregoingtoloseBear.AndIwasterrified
thatyou’dneverforgivemeforit.IthoughtImightlosebothofyouforever,andI—”Asobescapesherthroat,rackingherbody.“I’vesurvivedalotofthings,butIdon’tknowhowI’dsurvivethatloss.”
Heragonywrapsaroundmythroatlikeafist,threateningtocutoffoxygen.Whenafreshwaveoftearscascadesdownhercheeksandshecurlsintoherself,coveringherfacewithherhandsasshecries,Iyankherintome.Thistime,Irefusetolethergo.
“Youwillneverloseme,Rosie.Aslongasyouwantmehere,there’snowhereelseformetobe.”Ipressmylipstenderlytohertempleassheclingstomyshirt.“Ipromise.”CHAPTER28
LONGTIMECOMING
ADAM
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Ishiftmyreadingglassesupmynoseandflipthepage.“Reading.”
“Iknowthat,”Garrettgrumbles.“Butreadingwhat?”
“Abook.”
Hepinshisarmsoverhischestandslumpsinhisplaneseat.“You’resoannoyingsometimes,youfuckin’turkey.”
Ismiletomyself,stickingabluetabtoapassageinmybook.RilingupGarrettisfun.Hestartsspewingallkindsofweird,colorfulinsults,mostofthempickedupfromJennie,whoalsolikestorilehimup.Fordifferentreasonsthanme,though.SomethingabouthandnecklacesandothershitI’drathernotknow.
“What’sthatyou’redoingthere?”JaxongesturesatthetabsI’mstickinginmybook.“Withthetabs?”
“It’scalledannotating,”Carteranswersforme,pullingaboxofOreosfromhisbag.“Oooh,fudgedipped.Fuckyeah,Ollie.”Heripsopenthepackageandtossesoneinhismouth.“Aw-wiedoesitwifherspicybooks.”Heswallowsthecookiesohecantalklikeanadultagain.“Shemarksoutallthesexystuffshelikes,andthenwetryit.Likethisblindfold—”
“No.”Iholdupahand.“Stop.IhatehowmuchIknowaboutyoursexlife.”
Jaxonfrowns.“So,you’remarkingsexyshittotrywithRosie?”
“No,I’m—”
“Carabookmarkspornshelikes,”Emmettsays.“That’skindalikeannotating,butwithamovie,notabook.”
“What?No,that’snotthesame—”
Hesmiles,afar-offlookinhiseyes.“Lastweek,shecameoutofthebathroomwearingthisleather—”
“Forfuck’ssake,Idon’twanttoknowaboutanyofyoursexlives!”
“Whoa,”Garrettmurmurs,eyeswide.“Someone’stesty.”
Carterlicksattheicingonanewcookie.“’Causehe’snotgettin’anyrightnow.”
“Hesmashedthroughallofmycondomsinonenightandnowhehasn’thadsexinthreeweeks,”Jaxonaddsunnecessarily.
Emmettpatsmyshoulder.“It’dmakethebestofusgrumpy.”
“Holyfuck.”Ituckmybookaway;clearlyreading’snothappeninganymore.WithmyMacBookandAirPods,Istandandpointtoanemptyseatdowntherow.“I’mgonnawatchamovie.”
“HavefunlookingatpicturesofRosie,”GarrettcallsasIwalkaway.
We’vebeenontheroadforthreedaysforourfirsttwopreseasongamesinEdmontonandCalgary,andGarrett’sbeenmyunluckyroommate.
No,wait.I’m
theunluckyroommate.HecamebacktotheroomonenightandfoundmelookingatallthepicturesRosie’sbeensendingmeofherandBearwhilehe’sbeenrecoveringfromsurgeryattheschoolclinic,andIcamebacktotheroomonenighttohimfuriouslyscrubbingamess
offthecarpetwhileJenniewascacklingathimoverFaceTime.Hescreamedatthebothofusthathe’dscoredagoalanddeservedtoletloose,eventhoughitwasonlyanexhibitiongame.Whichscenewouldyourathercomehometo?
Poppingmyheadphonesin,IopenmylaptopandpullupmymessagethreadwithRosie.OurpreseasonstartedthedayafterBear’ssurgery,butknowingRosiewouldbethereeverydaytogivehimlotsoflovemadeiteasiertogetontheplane.Thepicturesandvideosshe’sbeendiligentlysendingdon’thurteither.
Ipullupmyfavoriteone,sentthismorning.
Rosiesmilesatthecamera,brightandhappy.“Let’sgoseeifBearisup.”
Shepushesthroughasetofswingingdoors,andhisheadpopsupfromhisbed.Slowly,hegetstohisfeet,tailwhippingbackandforth,thuddingagainstthewalloftheoversizedkennel.
“Lookatyou,bigboy,”Rosiecoos,proppingherphoneupasshegetsdownonherknees,buryingherfingersinhisfur.Bearwastesnotimecoveringherfaceinkisses,andshegiggles,hugginghimclose.“DoyouwannatellDaddyhowmuchyoumisshim?”ShepointsatthecameraasBeargivesalittlewoof.“Say,‘Iloveyou,Daddy.’”Hebarksagain.“That’smyhandsomeboy.”
Atextcutsacrossmyscreen,andIsighattheinterruptionfrommypublicist
Angie
She’scalledmethreetimestoday,Adam.
There’snoname,becauseAngieknowswedon’tsayitwhenwecanavoidit.
You’dthinkblockinghernumbernotonce,buttwice,andtellinghertonevercallmeagainwoulddothetrick,butafterCourtneycalledmethatnightatRosie’s,inthemiddleofallthechaos,sheresortedtocallingAngie.
Thewomanhasn’tbeeninmylifesinceItossedher—andtheguyshewasfucking—outofmybedoverayearago,andsuddenlyshewantstochat.Idon’thavethetimeofdayforher,andIcertainlycan’tbebotheredtoseeheragain.IstillcringeatthethoughtofherinmykitchenthatmorninginJuly,wearingnothingbutmyT-shirt,actinglikeshebelongedthere,claimingshe’dbeenatmypartythenightbefore.
DrunkAdamdoesn’talwaysmakethebrightestdecisions,butDrunkAdamhasnevermadeanoopsiethatsize.
Me
Idon’twanttotalktoher.
AndI’vetoldherthat.Approximately25,000x.Honestly,Adam,howyouwereeverwiththiswomanisbeyondme.Nooffense.
IcouldswearupanddownthatCourtneywasnothinglikethisatseventeen,butthemorereflectingIdo,themoresignsIseethatIdidn’tbefore.Still,onmybaddays,IsometimeswonderifI’mresponsible,ifIdidn’tloveherthewaysheneededtobeloved,ifthehockeymademetooabsent.Allthesamefearsthatledtomydownfall,totheliesInevershould’vetoldRosie.
Ithinkyoushouldmeetwithher.Hearmeout.
Abso-fucking-lutelynot.
Iknow,Iknow.Butshesaysshe’sgotsomethingyou’dwanttohear.
That’sbullshit.WhatcouldshepossiblyhavetosaythatI’dwanttohear?
Iagree,butIalsoknowyouliketostayoutofthemediawhenit’snothockeyorfundraisingrelated,andIwouldn’tputitpasthertodragyouintosomethingifshewantsyourattentionthatbadly.SoIsaywemeethersomewherepublic,Idothetalking,andwegiveherfiveminutes,nothingmore.
Courtneyhasembarrassedmeenoughinthemedia,butnothingisworsethanthehurtitcauses,knowingthatafterallwe’vebeenthrough,alltheyearsIgaveher,shecaressolittleformethatshewouldgotosuchgreatlengthstotearmedowninwhateverwayshecan.LikeallshewantstodoiswreckeverythingI’veworkedsohardfor,takeawaythislifeI’veearned.
SoIagreetofiveminutes,notasinglesecondmore,thisSaturday.Ijustwantthisoverwith.
Tensionstacksinmyshoulders,sotightitcurlsmeforward.Irollmyneck,butthestiffnesshasalreadydugitsclawsin.Myfingersmoveontheirownaccord,hittingthatVideoCallbutton,andmykneebouncesasIprayforittoconnect.
Rosie’sfacefillsmycomputerscreen,andImeltintotheseat.
“Hey,”shegreetsmequietly,asparkofhesitanceinhereyes.ThroughallthemessagessinceBearcameoutofsurgery,wehaven’tspokenfacetoface.
“Sorryforcallingsolate.”
“It’sokay.Ijustclimbedintobedtwominutesago.”Shelookslikeanangel,litonlybytheglowofherphone,pinkwavesscatteredaroundherface,thesleeveofheroversizedsleepteehangingoffonedelectableshoulder.“Congratsonyour…ohGod,thisisgoingtobesoembarrassing.Iknowthisiswrong,butIknowit’sclose.Shut-up?”
Ibarkalaugh,andsheblushesmyfavoriteblush.“Shutout
.”
“Itoldyouitwasgonnabeembarrassing.Butitstillmadesenseinmyhead.Youdidn’tletinanygoals,soitkindashutsuptheotherteam,youknow?”
“Ilikeit.Petitiontochangeitfromshutouttoshut-up.”
“Iknowyou’rejustplacatingme,AdamLockwood.”
“AndIknowI’mintroublewhenyouormymomusemyfullname.”Ismileatthewayshegiggles.“Didyouwatch?”
Shenods,brushingherbangsback.“Bothgames.CarterBeckettisreallyfast.AndJaxonlikestofightalot,whichIwasn’texpecting,giventhathefellheadoverheelsforacatatfirstsight,calledhimMittens,andthenadoptedhim.”
“Hehideshissoftsidebehindtattoosandpunches.”
“Andyou,youwereso…”Sheblowsoutabreath,eyeswidening.“Big.Ididn’tthinkyoucouldgetanybigger,butyoureallydid.And,um…flexible.Imean,Iknewyouwereflexible,ofcourse.”Hereyeswiden.“OhGod.That’s…that’s…”Sheswipesahandthroughtheair.“Justnevermindme.”
Christ,she’ssodamncute,I’dgiveanythingtopullherintomyarmsrightnow.“I,uh,calledbecauseI…wanted…to…”TellyouIloveyouandI’vehatedeverysingleminuteapartfromyou?
“Thankyou.FortakingcareofBear.”
“Youdon’thavetothankmeforthat,Adam.Hemakesschoolbetter,gettingahugandkisswheneverIwant.”
“That’swhyhelookssosmuginallthepicturesyousendme,huh?”
“YouknowIcan’tsaynotohim.Plus,he’sthrivingonalltheattention.He’sgotthegirlsherewrappedaroundhispaw.”Arustledrawshergazeawayfromme,andthenshedivesunderthecoverswithherphone.“Ohshoot.I’mwakingConnor.Ibettergetgoing.”
“I’llseeyouinthemorning?WhenIpickupBear?”
“I’llbethere,Adam.We’resoexcitedtoseeyou.”
We’re
.Thesinglewordsendsmystupidheartintoatailspin,andIfixateonitfortherestoftheflight,andtwohourslaterwhenI’mlyingawakeinbed.WhenI’mwalkingintotheclinicafterbreakfastthenextmorning,spinningmykeysaroundmyfingerandwhistling,thesix-wordsentenceisstillplayingonrepeatinmyhead.
“Mr.Lockwood,”thereceptionistgreetsme.“It’sabeautifuldaytobringhomeahappy,healthypup.”
“Itdefinitelyis.”Islideaboxofdonutsontothedesk.“Theseareforeveryone.”
“Welovedonuts.I’llletthemknowyou’rehere.”
Awomanwalksoutfromthebackaminutelater,andshemostdefinitelydoesn’thavepinkhair.“Comeonbackwithme.I’llwalkyouthroughwhattoexpectfromBear’srecoveryathome.”
“IsRosiehere?Ibroughtherbreakfast,incaseshedidn’teatthismorning.Sheforgetssometimes.”
“Rosie’sworkingonanemergencythatcameinabouttwentyminutesago.She’llbesadshemissedyou,butIcantakethoseforyou.”Shereachesfortheicedlatte,thebagwithapipinghotbacon,gouda,andeggbreakfastsandwichonacroissant,withawarmandgooeygingermolassescookie.
AndwhatdoIdo?Ipulltheitemsintomychest,becauseapparently,I’machild.
“I’llmakesureshegetsthem,Mr.Lockwood,”thewomanassuresme.“IpromiseIwon’teatherbreakfast.”
“Oh.”Ilookdownatthefoodinmyhandbeforeslowlyhandingitover.“Okay.Thankyou.”
Agloomyfeelingsettleslowinmystomach.WithBearcominghome,Rosiehasnoreasontocheckin.AsIfollowthedoctorthroughtheclinic,mybrainisalreadyworkinginoverdrive,conjuringupahundredwaystoaccidentally
bumpintoher.IfIcangetmyhandsonherhatagain,she’llhavetoseeme.
“RosiecameinearlythismorningtogetBearready,”thedoctortellsme.“Shetookhimforashortwalkaroundcampusandsaidhewasveryhappytogetoutinthesun.”Shegesturesmeinsideasmallexaminationroom,whereBeargreetsmebyhoppinguponhishindlegs,frontpawsonmystomach.
“Oh,buddy.”Idroptomyknees,lettinghimlickmyface,myhandsinhisthick,silkyfur.Reliefexpandsinmychest,cloggingmythroatasIhugmydogtomychest.“Iloveyou,Bear,”Imurmuragainsthisfloppyear.Myhandsslideoversoftcotton,andIpullbacktolookatthebandanatiedaroundhisneck.“What’sthis?”
“Rosiewantedtosurpriseyou.Andasyoucansee,Bearlooksverydapperinhisnewbandana.”
TheViperslogoandmyjerseynumber,forty,coverthebluebandana.Butrightinthecenter?Adrawingofmeandmybest,furrybud,thewordsDaddy’sbiggestfan
scrawledbeneathit.
Ishould’veknown.Ifevertherewasgoingtobesomebodywhowouldseepastitall,thegoaliemask,thefears,andtheinsecurities,Ishould’veknownitwouldbeRosie.
It’salwaysbeenRosie.
ROSIE
Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.
NomatterhowmanytimesIrepeatthewords,allIcanseeismuscles.MilesofmusclesIntricatelycarved,goldenlikehoney,movinglithelyunderasoft,SaturdaymorningsuninSeptember,ebonycurlsfallingoverbrightblueeyes.Forthebest,really,becauseIknowwhatwillhappenwhenIseethem.
I’lldrown.I’lllosemyselfinthoseeyes,allthelove,thekindness,thepatiencethatswimsinthem.Icameheretotalktohim,tofigureoutwheretogofromhere,butwhenIlookathim,theonlywordsthatcometomindareIloveyou
Ionlymakeitanotherthreestepsdownthewindingdrivewaybeforemyheartfree-fallstomystomach,myfeethalting.ThebrightgardenAdamhasbeenworkingatsinceIappearedattheendofhisdrivewaycomesintofocus,lushpetalssplashingarainbowofcolorsacrosshisfrontporch,lullingmeforward,closertoafeelingthatscreamsofhome.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Adam’seyesflipup,andhejumpstohisfeet,allsixfootfiveofsweaty,barely-coveredmuscles.“Rosie.”
Bearleapsupfromthedogbedontheporch,whiningashejogstowardme,pressinghimselfintomyside.
Adamswipesatthesweatbeadingonhisforehead,leavingasmudgeofdirtabovehiseyebrow.“You’rehere.”
Izeroinonadropletrunningariverdownthecenterofhisbroadchest,throughtheflawlesslyetchedabsflexingasheyanksoffhisgloves.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Irepeat,eyesflickingtothebushesthatweren’therebefore.
Hewringsthegloves,gazericochetingbetweenmeandthebushes.
“Adam…”Iskimthesoftpinkpetals,fightingthestingofemotionbehindmyeyes.“Thesearepeonies.You’replantingapeonygardeninyourfrontyard.”
Henods.
“Why?”Iwhisper,heartpoundinginmyears.
Thehazeinhiseyesclears,leavingthemvulnerable.“BecauseIwantedyoutofeellikeyouwerehomeifyoudecidedtocomebacktome.”
There’stoomuchspacebetweenus.Toofuckingmuch
,theonlylogicaldecisionistoeliminateitbythrowingmyselfathischest,wrappingeveryinchofmearoundhimuntilthere’snothingleft.
Adamchucklessoftly,hishandrunningdownmyback.
“Iforgothowgoodyoufeel,”Icrysoftlyintohisneck,andthenhesighs,hisbodyrelaxingashehugsmetighter.
“Imissedyousomuch,Rosie.”
Islidedownhisbody,wipingthetraitoroustearsfrommycheeks.“IcametocheckonBear,andthenIwasgonnasegueintoaskingifwecouldtalkaboutthings.Iwasn’tplanningonjumpingonyou.”
Helaughsagain,andI’mnotsurethere’samorebeautifulsound.
“Forfuturereference,jumpingonmeisalwaysacceptable.”Hegesturesatmybag,discardedsomewherealongthewayonthedriveway,andthedogjumpingatmyfeet.“DoyouwanttocheckonBearandthensegueintoaskingmeifwecantalkhere,orshouldwedoitinside?”Hecringes,checkinghiswatch.“Shit,IforgotIhavetomeetsomeoneinahalfhour.It’skindofimportant.MypublicistsaidIhavetobethere.”
“Oh.That’sokay.”Disappointmentslumpsmyshoulders,andAdampalmsthebackofhisneck.
“Icouldpushit?Yeah,I’lljustpushit.Thenwecanhaveasmuchtimeasweneedtotalk.”
“It’sokay.Ishouldn’thaveshownupunannounced.IdroppedConnoroffatBrandon’sandinsteadofgoinghomeIwounduphereinstead.”
“Iwon’tbelong.Ifyouwant,youcouldwaitherewithBear,andI’llcomerighthome.”
“Thatworks.”IscrubBear’sears,smilingdownatthehappyboy.“Let’sgoinsideandgetyoucomfyonthecouchsoIcancheckyouout,’kay,handsome?”
Inside,AdamsetshisgardeningtoolsdowninthehallwayandheadsupstairstoshowerasIunpackmybag.
“Ohshoot,”Imutter,pullingConnor’sstuffedkittyout.BeingwithAdamthispastsummerhelpedmerealizemysonisalotmoreflexiblethanIgavehimcreditfor,buttheoneconstantinhislifeisthiskittyinhisbedeverysinglenight,nomatterwherehesleeps.I’vehadtowalkitovertoBrandon’shousewhileConnorscreamedontheotherendofthephonefartoomanytimes.
OnceBearhasbeenthoroughlycheckedandI’mconfidentinhishealing,Isnugglebesidehim,hisheadinmylapasIcallBrandon.Ittakesthreetriesbeforeheanswers.
“What?”
“IforgottoleaveyouConnor’skitty.”
“Fuck,Rosie.”Heblowsoutadeepbreath,oneIbarelyhearoverallthenoiseinthebackground.“Thatwasstupidofyou.”
Mychestpullstautatthesix-letterwordhewieldssoeasily.“Icanbringitoverlater.”
“Yeah,youbetter,”hemumblesdistractedly.“Aw,bullshit!Hewasonthebag!He’ssafe!”Anothersigh.“I’llbehomeinacouplehours.Bringitoversometimeafterfour.”
“Didyouguysgoout?That’sfun.”Ibitemytonguetostopfromaskinghimifhehasoursonatabarwhilehewatchesabaseballgame.
“Nah,Connor’sathome.”
“Oh.Who’swatchinghim?Icould’vekepthimlongerifyouwantedtogoout.”
Hebarksalaugh.“Sure,andthenyou’dbitchatmefornotspendingmoretimewithhim.He’sfineanyway.IsetthealarmbeforeIleft.”
“Yousetthe…what?”
“Thealarm.”
IrubtheheadacheforminginmytempleswhileIprocessthemeaningbehindhiswords,thesoundofAdam’sfootstepsashecomesdownthestairsthumpingalongwiththebeatofmyagitatedheart.“Who’swatchingConnor?”Iaskagain.
“Isetthealarm,”herepeats.
“WhothehelliswatchingConnor,Brandon?”
“Relax,”hesaysonamuffledwhisper.“Iputhiminhisplaypenforhisnap,andIsetthealarmonmywayout.I’mjustatthebardownstairs.”
“Youleftourtoddler
athomealonewhileyouwenttogetdrunkandwatchafuckingbaseball
game?”Mylastrestraintsnaps,andIleaptomyfeetasthewordsrushoutofme,anangry,violentwavethatpulsesthroughme.“Howcanyoubesodamncarelesswithyourson’slife?”
Idon’tstickaroundtohearhisbullshitexcuse.Instead,Istuffmyphoneinmybagandmarchdownthehallway,angrytearsfloodingmyvisionasIstruggletoputmyrunningshoeson.
“I’msorry,”IsayasAdamforcesmetositonthestairs,slipsmyshoesonforme.“Ihavetogo.Idon’tknowhow…doeshenotlovehimatall?He’shisfather,forfuck’ssake.”Myfistsball,fingernailsbitingintoflesh,andImumbleadistractedthankyouashehelpsmebacktomyfeet,opensthedoorforme,andfollowsmeoutside.
“Rosie,”hecallsasIstartmytrekdownhisdriveway.
“I’llcallyoulater,Adam.”
“Rosie
.”
Istop,glancingovermyshoulder.Hestandsathistruck,holdingthepassengerdooropen.There’saticinhissharpjawline,veinspoppinginhisforearmasheclencheshiskeysinhisfist,angerradiatingoffhim.
“Getinthetruck.”
“Youhavetomeetsomeone.Yousaiditwasimportant.Yourpublicist—”
“Canceled.Getinthetruck.”
“But—”
“Connorisamilliontimesmoreimportant.Thereisnobody
asimportanttomeasyouandthatlittleboy,sofortheloveofGod,Rosie,getinthistruckbeforeIthrowyouinit.”
Myheartthrums,andhedoesn’ttakehiseyesoffmeasIwalktowardhim,ashehelpsmeintotheseatandshutsmein.Hedoesn’tsayawordtheentiredrive,silentlyfollowingmyquiet,panickeddirections.Thetruckisbarelyinparkbeforehe’shoppingfromhisseat,towingmefrommine,pullingmethroughthelobbytotheelevator.
Assoonasthedoorsopen,Connor’swailspiercemyears,floatingdownthehallwayofthecondo.
“Fuck,”Adammutters,hotonmyheelsasIracetotheapartmentdoor.
“It’slocked,”Icry,jigglingthehandle.
“Maaamaaa
,”Connorscreams,sendinghottearscascadingdownmycheeksasAdamgentlysetsmeaside,playingwiththelock.
“It’sokay,baby!”Ifighttomasktheanxietyclawingitswayupmythroat.“Mama’shere!”
“We’recomingintogetyou,okay,buddy?”Adamtellshim.“Justhangtight.”
“Whatdowedo?ShouldIgofindBrandon?Gethiskeys?”
“I’vegotit,”Adammumbles.
“Howareyougoingto—”IgaspasAdamshoveshisshoulderagainstthedoor.“Adam,it’sareinforceddoor.There’snowayyoucan—”
Hisshoulderconnectswithitasecondtime,andthedoorpopsoffthetophinge.Withagrunt,heshoveshisbodyintoitonce,twicemore,andhecatcheshimselfagainsttheframerightasthedoorswingsopenandtheelevatoropensbehindus.
“Whatthefuck?”Brandonyells.“Myfuckingdoor!”
“Imagineyoucaredaboutyourfamilyasmuchasyoucaredaboutyourdoor?”Adambarshisarmacrosstheentrance,stoppingBrandonfromfollowingmeasIracethroughtheapartment.“Don’tfuckingfollowher.”
Connor’stear-streakedfaceappearsfromwherehe’strappedbetweenthefloorandhistipped-overplaypen.Littlehandsreachforme,fear-strickeneyescollidingwithmine,andIriptheplaypenoffhim,scoopinghimintomyarms,pressingmylipstothesmallgashonhisforehead.
“I’mhere,baby,”Iweepsoftlyintohishairasheburieshisfaceinmyneck.“It’sgoingtobeokay.Mama’sgotyou.”Iscoophisbagoffthefloor,andAdamtakesitfromme,hishandonmybackasheguidesmetowardthedoor,pastaconfusedandhalf-drunkBrandon.“Hewastrappedunderhisplaypen.”
“He…he…”Brandon’seyesricochetfromthemessinhislivingroomtothebloodtricklingfromConnor’sforehead.“Hemust’vetriedtoclimboutandittippedover.Itwasanaccident.Right?Itwasjustanaccident,buddy.You’reokay.”
HereachesforConnor,andIyankhimaway.
“Don’ttouchhim,”Iseethe.“Neveragain.You’vehadamillionchances.Toomanychances
,andlikeafool,IkeptgivingyoumorebecauseallI’veeverwantedisforConnortohaveafamily.Butyou’renothisfamily,areyou?Youdon’tcareaboutanyonebutyourself.”
“That’snottrue,”hetriesweakly,eyesflickingtoAdam.“I…Ilovehim.”
“Youdon’thaveacluewhatloveis.”
Herollshiseyes,givinguptheact.“Andyoudo?”
“Iknowitfeelsnothinglikethis.Thistoxic,selfishbullshityoucalllovedoesnothingbutharmpeople.AndIwon’tletyouhurthimanymore.”
“Sowhat?Youguysaredonewithmethen?”
“You’renotevenonthebirthcertificate.”
Hesnortsalaugh,shakinghisheadasIturntoleave.“Whatever.Bigfuckingloss.Sickofbeingagoddamnbabysitter.”
Ispinaround,thewordsonthetipofmytongue,butAdambeatsmetoit.
“Andthat’syourfuckingproblem,isn’tit?”HeloomsoverBrandon,watchingasheshrinksaway.“You’renotababysitter,you’rehisgoddamnfather,andthelastthingyou’veeverdoneisactlikeit.”
“Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare?”Brandonlooksatme,abitterchucklerisinginhisthroat.“Thisiswhoyou’redating?AdamfuckingLockwood?Youmustbementalifyouthinkthisguycaresaboutanythingotherthangettingpussy.”HelookstoAdam.“Shemustbeholdingoutonyoustill,otherwiseyou’dknowit’snotworthit.”
“Leave,”Adamsays,soquietly,thesinglewordscattersashiverdownmyspine.“Rosie,leave.Now.”
“I—”
“Whatisshe,yournewestcharitycase?She’saworthlesspieceofass,Lockwood.Youmustknowthat,though,right?That’swhyI’veneverseenherinanypictureswithyou.You’reembarrassed.”
“Leave,”Adamrepeats,eyeslockedonBrandonashepointsatme.“TakeConnorandgetinthetruck.”
“Shepokedaholeinthecondomjusttogetababyoutofme,”BrandonspitshisliewhenItrytowalkaway,knowingfullandwellthatfuckinglatexrippedrightdownthemiddle.“Becauseshewassodesperateforafamily.Forsomeonetofuckingwant
her.Someoneasrichandfamousasyou?Whatdoyouthinkshe’sgonnadototrapyou?”
Thedoorslamsinmyface,aforcesoheavyandbrutalitknocksmebackastep.Butthat’snotwhatbringsthegasprippingupmythroat.
It’sthesoundofAdam’sfistconnectingwithfleshandbone.
Once.
Twice.
Threetimes
Hiswhisperedthreatsarebarelyaudible,andI’mrootedinplaceastheyfloatthroughthedoor,touchingmyears.
“Youshutyourgoddamnmouthandquitactinglikethosetwowalkingoutthisdoorandneverlookingbackwon’tbetheworstthingthat’lleverhappentoyou.BecauseIpromiseyou,itfuckingis.You’reonlygiftedsomethinglikethisonceinalifetime,andsomebodyelseisgoingtoappreciateandlovethebeautifulfamilyyouweregiven,thesameoneyoutookforgranted.”
“Who?”Brandonstrugglestoask.“You?”
“Yeah.Me.”
Thedoorswingsopen,andIstumblebackwardbeforeAdam’sfingerswraparoundmyarm,catchingme.Hetakesmycryingsonintohisarmswithouthesitation,hugginghimtightasConnorburieshisDada
sinAdam’sneck.Hishandslipsdownmyarm,fingerslinkingwithmine,andmygazesettlesonhisswollen,bloodiedknuckles.
Adampullsmeintotheelevator,hisheatedgazecomingtomineashischestheaveswitheachraggedbreath.“Ithinkweneedsomehotfudgesundaes.”CHAPTER29
BATMANALWAYSGETSTHEGIRL
ROSIE
“You’rereallygoodatthat.”
God,he’ssocute,sittingherebesideme,tryingtomakeconversation.WhyelsewouldhebesurprisedthatI,afourth-yearvetstudentandmom,amgoodattendingtoinjuries?It’sbeenaslewofremarkssincewegotheretenminutesago,lesscomplimentsandmoregeneralobservations.You’vegotabraidinyourhairtoday.Ilikeyourpurplehairclip.Yousmelllikeoranges.Isitjustme,oristhisgrass
reallygreen?
Myfavorite?Whenhelookedatme,swallowed,andwhispered,Therearethirty-sixtreesinthispark.Icounted.
IfinishcleaningAdam’sbustedknuckles,smearingointmentoverthem.“DoyouwantaBatmanBand-AidtomatchConnor’s?”
Connortapsthebandageonhisforehead.“Ba-man.”HepatsAdam’shand.“Dada,ba-man.”
“Doyouthinkhe’scallingmeBatman?”AdamwhispersasIstickabandageoverhisknuckles.
“IthinkyouverywellmightbehispersonalBatman.”
Hischestpuffswithpride,andIswallowmysnicker.Thismanisnothingshortofasuperhero.IthoughtitwhenhestormedoutofBrandon’sapartment,anditwastheonlythingonmymindwhenhewalkedoutofDairyQueenwithmysononhisshoulders,bloodiedknuckleswrappedaroundConnor’sfoot,atrayofsundaesinhisotherhand.Thesightdidsomethingferaltome,andIwasbacktochantingmybrain/titsmantrainmyhead.
“Thankyou,”IwhisperaswewatchConnorandBearinthegrass.“ForstickingupformeandConnor.”
“I’malwaysgoingtohaveyourback,Rosie.”Helayshishandovermine.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Alittlescared,tobehonest.Iknowit’stherightdecision,removingBrandonfromConnor’slifefornow.He’sbeenhalfwayoutthedoorsincebeforehewasborn,andputtingConnor’ssafetyatriskisunacceptable.Butdoingitallonmyownnowsoundskindascary.”
“You’renotalone.YouhaveArchieandMarco.Youhaveme.”
IfocusonthenapkinItearapartbetweenmyfingers.“We’renotanyone’sresponsibility.”
“No,you’renot.You’reourfamily.”Tentatively,hetipsmychinup,brushingmybangsback.“I’msorrymyactionsmadeyoufeellikeyouandConnorweren’tapriority.OfallthethingsI’veregrettedinmylife,lyingtoyouaboutwhoIamtakesthecake.Thethingis,Rosie,whenIliedtoyou,itwasmyselfIwasn’tchoosing.Myhearthaschosenyoueverystepoftheway.”
“Willyoutellmewhathappened?”
Herestshisarmsonhisknees,hiseyesonConnorandBear.
“It’salwaysbeenabouthockey,youknow?ItwasabouthockeywhenwegotBearbecauseCourtneysaidshewasboredbeingathomebyherself,anditwasabouthockeywhenhewasthreemonthsoldandIhadtostartleavinghimwithCarter’smomwhenIwasn’thomebecauseCourtneywastiredofbeingresponsibleforhim.”Hepullsabladeofgrass,fiddlingwithitbetweenhisfingers.“ItwasabouthockeywhenIcamehomefromatripandfoundCourtneyinbedwithanotherman,andit’sbeenabouthockeyforeverysinglewomanI’vebeenonadatewithsince.”
Hisgazecomestomine,quiet,reserved.“Ironic,isn’tit?CourtneysaidshecheatedbecauseIwasn’thomeenoughtogivehertheattentionsheneeded,butshewouldn’tleave,either,becausehockeysupportedherlifestyle.Everydatehasbeenquestionsaboutcontractsandsalaries,vacationproperties,andhowmanycarssitinmygarage.It’salways
beenabouthockey,Rosie,anditwassodamnexhaustingnotbeingenoughforanyonewithoutit.”
Helooksdown,shrugging.“IgottothispointwhereallIwantedtodowasgiveup.AndthenImetyou,andyouhadnoideawhoIwas.Andyoulikedmeanyway,allthepiecesnobodyelsebotheredtolookat.Isawachance,andIranwithit.I’mnotproud,butIalsowon’tlietoyou:thissummerwithyou,forgettingaboutalltheshitthatcamewithbeingthefamousversionofme…itwasthebestsummerI’veeverhad.Itwasaboutmeandyou,aboutConnor,aboutthetimewespenttogetherandeverythingwewerebuilding.IknowIhurtyou,andit’snoexcuse,butfuck,Rosie,havingyouchooseme
…itfixedsomethinginsideme.Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Ifeltworthy.”
It’sheartbreakingseeinghimlikethis,curledinonhimself,sounsureofhowincredibleheisandeverythinghehastooffer,atthehandsofpeoplewhoneverdeservedanypartofhim.Ihatethatcarelesspeoplebrokesuchakindheartedman,worehimdowntoaplacewherehefeltheneededtohidesomethingsoimportantjustsosomeonewouldgivehimachance.
Icoverhishandwithmine,stoppinghisfidgeting.“Youdidthesameforme,youknow?Youfixedsomethinginsideme.Somethingthathadbeenbrokenforsolong,Ithoughtitcouldn’tpossiblybemadewholeagain.I’mnotsureIreallysawmyworthbeforeyou.Notasamom,afriend,ormypotentialasapartner.NowI’mcertaininit.”
Proudblueeyesmovebetweenmine.“Ididthat?”
“Youdidthat.I’msorrypeopledidn’ttakethetimetoseewhatawonderfulmanyouarebeyondhockey,Adam.Butit’stheirloss.”IwatchasConnorcrawlsacrossourpicnicblanketandintoAdam’slap,settlingagainsthischestasBearfollowssuit,drapinghisheadacrossboththeirlegs.“Andourgain.”
“Whatifyoudon’tlikethehockeysideofme?”
Thingis,IalreadyknowIloveit.I’vespentthelasttwoweekswatchinghim.Highlightreels,postgameinterviews,preseasongames.TheonethingIsawwithclaritywasthathe’sthesametypeofpersononiceasheisoffit.Fulloflife.Dominating.Hecelebratesallthevictoriesandliftshisteammatesupwhenthey’restruggling.Someonewhotriestostackeverythingonhisownshoulders,eventhoughhisfriendsdon’tlethim.He’sfiercelyprotectiveofhisteam,thesamewayheishisfamily.
HowdoIexplaintohimthatIseehim?
“Whatwasthefirstthingyounoticedaboutmethatdayonthetrail?”Iaskhim.
Adamgrins,electric,likehecanseethememoryplayoutrightbeforehiseyes.“Yoursmile.Itwassobig,sogenuine,whilemydogsathishundred-and-forty-poundassinyourlap.Andthenyoulaughed,anditwasjustasbeautiful,justashappyandaddictiveasyoursmile,andIknewrightawayyourheartwouldmatch.”Thesmileinhiseyestracestheshapeofmymouth,histhumbrunningalongthedimpleinmychin.“ThosewerethefirstthingsInoticedaboutyou.”
“DoyourememberwhenIsaidIdyemyhairpinkbecauseofmymom?”
“Youremindedherofthepinkpeoniesyouplanted.Freshandcaptivating.”Hecockshishead,smiling.“Oneofmyfavoritedescriptionsofyou.”
Myheartbeattrips,buzzingattheconfirmationthatthismanhasalwaysheardme,alwaysseensomuchmore.“That’shalfthereason.TheotherhalfisbecauseIwantedtobenoticed.Sobadly,Iwantedsomeone’sattention.Ihadn’tbeenabletocaptureanyone’sallthoseyearsinfostercare.Ithoughtifsomeonenoticedmeformyhair,iftheywerecuriousenoughandspentanyamountoftimetalkingtome…maybethey’dnoticeotherthings.Maybe,ifthey’djustgivemeachance,they’dfindotherthingstolike.Anditworkedoftenenough,thoughnotreallythewayIhoped.Itwasalwaysthefirstthingpeoplenoticedaboutme,butnotyou.Yousawsomuchmore,rightfromthebeginning.Youmademefeelseenforalltherightreasons.”
Ireachacrosstheblanket,lacingmyfingersthroughhis.He’ssowarm,thewayhealwaysis,thisfirmtouchthatmakeseverymountainseemsmall.Withhishandinmine,I’veneverbeenmoreconfident.
“I’vealwaysseenyou,Adam.AndI’velovedeverythingI’veseen.Iknowyou’vehiddenthispartofyouforareason,butI’mcertainI’mgoingtoloveittoo.”
Hestaresdownatmysleepingsoninhislap,siftinghisfingersthroughhisblondwaves.“Ijustwanttobeperfectforyoutwo.”
“Idon’tneedperfect.Ineedthemess,thechaos,allyourfearsandyourinsecurities.I’vegivenyoumine,andyou’vewalkedmethroughallofthem.Letmewalkwithyouthroughyourchaos.”
“Whatifit’stoomuch?Allthetimeapart,thegames,themedia.Whatifit’stoohard?”
“That’slife,isn’tit?Figuringitoutwhenitgetshard?It’showwegrow.AndI’vespentsomanyyearsgrowingbymyself.NowIwanttogrowwithsomebodyelse.”
Hopesparksinhiseyes,andIswearhisbodycomesalive.“Withme?”
“Withyou,Adam.”
Hegrinsdownatourhands,watchinghisthumbmovealongmyskin.Whenhelooksupatme,there’sapatiencethere,areminderthatthismanhasalwaysunderstoodeventhedeepestpartsofme.“Ithinkyouneedmetotakeitslow.”
“Ithinksotoo,”Iadmit,gauginghisreaction.Buthejustsmiles.
“IthinkthatmightbewhatIneedtoo.I’msocertainthatyoubelonginmyworld,butIwanttodothisright,Rosie.Iwanttogiveyouallofme,giveyouthetimetogetusedtoallthisatwhateverspeedyouneed.”Heliftsmyhandtohismouth,sweepingafeatherlightkissacrossmyknuckles.“Sotakeyourtime,okay?Becausewhenyou’reready,I’mnotgonnaletyougoagain.”
***
I’vealwaysbeenafanofsilence.Thegoodkind,whereeverythingiscomfortable.Thekindofsilencethatcomeswithpeace,withlayingitalloutthere,workingthroughyourproblemstogetherand,finally,findingthepathwhereyoucanwalktogether,sidebyside.It’sthekindofsilenceI’dbehappytostayin,andIdojustthatasweridetheelevatoruptomyapartment.
Thedooropensassoonaswestopinfrontofit,almostasifsomeonehadbeenwatchingthroughthepeephole.Archiestandsthere,hisgazemovingcautiouslybetweenus,andAdamstickshishandout.
“Wehaven’tformallymet.I’mAdam.”
Marco’sfaceappearsoverArchie’sshoulder.“OhmyGod.He’shere.Forresearchpurposes,Adam,couldyouliftyourshirtup?Rosiesaysyouhaveaneight-pack,butArchiethinksshe’sexaggerating.Wehaveabitofabetgoing,and—”helayshishandoverhischest“—Ibetonyou,obviously
—soifyou—”
Archiesilenceshimwithahandoverhisface.“Pleasekeepyourshirton.Marco’sworkingonboundaries,butit’snicetoformallymeetyou.”Hecrouchesdown,scratchingBear’sears.“Hey,bigboy.YouareeverybitashandsomeasRosiepromised.”Hiseyescometomine,searching.WhenIsmile,hesmilestoo.“Connor,wannaplaytrainswhileMamasaysgoodnighttoAdam?”
Connorracesthroughthedoorwithascream,thenskidstoastop.Herunsbacktous,tossinghisarmsaroundBear’sburlyneck.“Bye,bigdog.Lubyou.”HecollideswithAdam’slegsnext,wrappinghisarmsaroundthem.“Bye,Dada.Lubyou.”
Adamscoopshimagainsthischest.“Bye,buddy.Loveyoutoo.”
ThedoorclosesbehindConnor,leavingusaloneinthehall.
“Imissedthat,”hesaysquietly.“Dada.Iknowitdoesn’tmean…”Heshakeshishead,tuckinghishandsinhispockets.“Itmakesmefeelspecialtohim,that’sall.”
“Youarespecialtohim,Adam.You’respecialtobothofus.”Istudythismanbeforemeashenods,eyesontheground,thestrangest,mostendearingmixofconfidentandbashful,thepurestheartunderneathitall.“Howdidyouknow?”
“Knowwhat?”
“StardustLane,”ImurmurthenameofthestreetIspentmychildhoodon.Thenameofthescholarshipthatconvenientlyappearedafterminewaslost.
Adamflushes,chucklingnervously.“Youknewthatwasme,huh?I,uh,Googledyou.”
Isnortalaugh.“Iguessthiswholemesswould’vebeenavoidedifI’dGoogledyou
.”
Adamlooksdownathisdog,sittingexactlyhalfwaybetweenus,likeherefusestochoosejustoneofus.“IthinkBearbroughtmeyou,youknow.Iwould’veneverhadyouandConnorifhehadn’tknockedyouonyourassthatdayinthemountains.Andwhilehewasinsurgery,Irealizedthat.”
Hetakesastepclosertome,andmyheartjumpstomythroat.“ButIalsorealizedIhadyourparentstothank.Thatyouwouldn’thavewoundupinVancouveriftheyhadn’tbroughtyouhereandmadeyoufallinlove.Thatyoumightnothaveeverwantedtobeavetifitweren’tforyourdad,orforthewayyourparentsraisedyou,gaveyouthisincredible,empatheticheart.Icouldn’tsitbackandwatchyouputyourdreamonholdforanotheryear,notafteralltheworkyou’veputintothis.Iknowyoudidn’twantmetopayforit,Rosie,butgivingyouthis…it’soneofthebestthingsI’veeverspentmymoneyon.AndasforStardustLane?Iwantedtofindawaytohonoryourparents’roleinyourlifeandyourfuture.BecauseIknowthey’vebeenwithyoueverystepoftheway,proudashelloftheirdaughter.”
Sneakytearsstingmyeyes,andIsniffle,fanningatmyface.“Whydoyoualwayshavetomakemeemotional?”
Hechucklessoftly,brushingastraytearaway.“Iloveyourheart,Rosie.It’swhat’sgoingtomakeyousuchanamazingvet.It’swhatmakesyouyou
.”
“Thankyouforbelievinginme,Adam.”
“Thankyouforgivingmeasecondchance.Iwon’tneedathird,though.Ipromise.”
Thepromisefeelsasgoodasthewarmthofhishandcuppingmycheek,andIsinkintobothofthem.“Nomoresecrets,though,okay?”
“Okay.”Hepullshishandback.Hiseyetics,andheflexeshisfingers,curlingthemintofistsbeforeheblurts,“IloveFruitRoll-Ups.IknowitseemslikeImostlyonlyeathealthyfood,butIloveFruitRoll-Upssomuch,I’vegoteightboxesinmypantryrightnow.I’vetriedtostop,butIcan’t.”Heexhales,solongandsoloud,ahandonhistorsoashedeflates.“Wow,Ifeelsomuchbetter.”
Thatthat’stheworstofhissecretsissodamntellingaboutthetypeofpersonheis,andwhenIlaugh,hegrins.
Hisfingersfindmine,twiningthemslowly.“Ispentmostofthelasttwoweeksinmykitchen,staringatmygreencupboards,becauseIdidn’twanttoforgetwhatcoloryoureyeswere.”Hiseyesroamoverme,andmyheartkicksintohighgearattheheavylookthere.“Iwouldn’thavegivenup,justsoyouknow.Andnow,I’lldoeverythingyouneedmetodountilyou’reready.I’lltakeitasslowasyouneedmeto.I’llbepatient.”
“Readytospendyourdayswaitingonawoman,huh?”
“Ifthatwomanisyou?Absolutely.”Hedropsakisstomycheek,softlipsfindingmyear,lingeringtherewithhiswhisperedwords.“I’mgonnamarryyousomeday,afterall.Batmanalwaysgetsthegirl.”
Hebacksaway,aproudsmirkonhisface,beforeheheadstotheelevator.Playfuleyescometominebeforethedoorsslideclosed,andhewinks.“Night,trouble.”CHAPTER30
SHIRTLESSDADDIESDOITBEST
ADAM
“Would
youjustfuckingtexther?I’msickofwatchingyouopenyourmessages,stareatthem,andthenclosethemagain!”
“Geez,”Imutter,gloweringatJaxon.“Someone’stestythismorning.”
“MittensthoughtmygoddamnwienerwasadanglytoywhenIgotoutofbed,andhewhackeditwithhissharpfuckingtalonsbeforeIcouldshieldmyself.”Hegripshisjunkwithonehand,theotherarmflailingwide.“OfcourseI’mfuckingtesty!”
“Maybeyoushouldguardyourtestes,
andthenyouwouldn’tbesotesty
,”Cartersays.Hewagshisbrows,holdinghishandupforahighfive.“Eh?Getit?BecauseIsaid—”
“No,wegotit,”Iassurehim.
“Oh.”Hefrownsathishand.“’Causenoonehigh-fivedme.”Hechugshispost-rollerbladesmoothie,thentwistsanOreoapart.Balance,Iguess.“Howcomeyou’renottextingRosie?”
“It’sbarelyaftersevena.m.”
“Shehasakidandschool,”Emmettsays,asheandGarrettslathermashedavocadoonseveralpiecesoftoast.“She’sdefinitelyawake.”
“Deytakin’tingsswow,”Garrettmumblesaroundhisbite.
Jaxonblinksathim.“What?”
“They’retakingthingsslow,”Garrettrepeats.“Sohecan’ttextherfirstthinginthemorning,’causethat’snotslow.”
Carterchuckles,stretchinghisarmsoverhead.“Yeah,Iknowthatgame.OllieandIwerenevergoodatslow.Hermorethanme.Weweresupposedtobetakingthingsslow,thensheclimbedontopofmeinthelimoafterCaraandEm’sengagementparty.Hadtofightheroff.”
Oliviawalksbywithasteamingmugoftea,flickinghiminhishead.“That’sabsolutelynothowthatwent.”Shesmilesatme.“Ithinkit’ssweetyouguysareslowingthingsdownforaminute.Itcan’thurt.Andyes,youcantexther.Womenlovetoknowthey’reyourfirstthoughtinthemorning.”
“SoIshould—”
“Yup.”
“Yes
.”Ipulloutmyphoneandimmediatelystarttypingoutamessage,notafucktogiveaboutthewaymyfriendsarelaughingatme.
Goodmorning.Didyouhaveagoodsleep?
No.Lame.Backspace.
Hello,Rosie.Areyouwelltoday?
Howdiditgetworse?Backspace.
Goodmorning,beautiful.Ithoughtofyouinbedlastnight.
OhmyGod,Adam,what’swrong
withyou?Back-fucking-space.
Oliviapeeksaroundmyshoulder.“Asimplehaveagoodday
woulddowonders,Casanova.Don’toverthinkit.”
Me
Morning,trouble.Hopeyouhaveagoodday.
Trouble
Thanks,Adam.Notofftoagreatstart.
Aphotofollows,atearfulConnorwrappedaroundher.
Connorhasastomachbug.
Ahfuck.Poorguy.Izoominonthepicture,Connor’ssleepyeyes,hisunusuallypaleskin.It’stheexhausted,stressedlookinRosie’seyesthathasmehittingtheCallbutton,slippingoutCarter’spatiodoorintohisbackyard.
“Hey,”Rosieanswers.
“I’msorryConnor’ssick,Rosie.Youokay?”
“Yeah,it’sjust…”Shesighs.“Craptiming.Ican’tsendhimtodaycare,andobviouslyBrandonisn’tanoptionanymore.”Shesniffles,tuggingatmyheartstrings.“Sorry,I’mfrustratedandexhaustedbecausewe’vebeenupsincetwo,andit’smakingmeemotional.I’msupposedtobeinsurgeryintwohours,butI’mgoingtohavetomissit.”
“I’llwatchhim.IcantakeConnortodaywhileyou’reatschool.”
“Ican’taskyoutodothat.”
“You’renot.I’mvolunteering.Ialreadydidmyworkoutwiththeguys;I’vegottherestofthedayfree.”
“It’snotgoingtobeaneasyday.He’sclingyandemotionalwhenhe’ssick.”
“Ilikeclingyandemotional.”
“Adam—”
“Letmehelpyou,Rosie.Youcancountonme.Plus,I’vemissedthefuckoutofhim.Leanonmetoday.”
Shehesitates,andIimagineherteethtuggingonherlowerlip,thelittlecreasebetweenherbrowswhilesheoverthinksthis.“Areyousure?”
“Sureashell.”Iheadbackthroughthehouse.“I’llbethereintwenty.”
Carterthrowshisarmsintheair,followingmetothefrontdoor.“YoupromisedtodothatTikTokwithme!”
“Ididnot.”
“Aw,man
.Butallthegirlieslovetoseeyoudance.”
“No,Carter.”Iopenthedoor,lookingathiminhisDILFT-shirt.“Theylovetoseeyourshirtlessdaddycontent.”
“Youcouldbeashirtlessdaddytoo
!”heshoutsoutthedoorasIclimbintomytruck.
Rightnow,theonlypersonI’mokaywithcallingmeDada
isConnor.
Andshit
isthepoorkideversick,allred-rimmedeyesandsnottynosedfromcrying,hisskinpaleandslickwithsweat.
“We’llbefine,”IpromiseRosiefortyminuteslaterwhenwe’reoutfrontofherschool.Wemightnotbefine.
“We’vegotitundercontrol.”Wedon’thaveitundercontrolatall.
IgrinatConnor.It’swayshakierthanI’dlike,soItryforplanB,whichistwothumbsup.“Right,buddy?”
Heheaves,andRosiemanagestogettheopenedbagintopositionasplitsecondbeforehevomits.
“Oh,baby.”Shewipeshisface,worriedgazecomingtomine.“Idon’tknow,Adam.MaybeIshouldstaywithhim.”
“Rosie.”Igriphershoulders,squeezinggently.“Thisisscarybecauseyoucan’tcontrolit.Butyouaren’tgoingtobeabletocontrolhimbeingsickifyou’rehomewithhimeither.Iknowyoujustwanttobewithhim,makesurehe’stakencareof,andIpromiseyou,I’mgoingtotakecareofhim.He’sgoingtobelovedtopiecesathomewithmeandBear.Right,bud?”
Connorwipesthetearsfromhisface,sniffling.“Dada,Bear?”
Rosiesmilessoftly,pushinghishairoffhisdampforehead.
“Trustme?”Iaskherquietly.
Shewatchesmeforamoment,thennods.“Itrustyou,Adam.”
“Fuckyeah,youdo.”
“Fuckyeah,”Connorrepeatsquietly,andmysmilefalls.
“Ohshit.No.Ohfuck.Shit.”IlooktoRosie.“Rosie
.”
Connorsmilesslowly,adevilishsight,littlebrowsquirking.“Ohshit.Oh
shit!Shit
!”
IgrabRosie’sbackpack,slingthestrapsontohershoulders,thenshovetheStarbucksIpickedupforherintoherhands.“I’llcallyouifIneedanythingatall,andIpromiseIwon’tswearanymore!”Ipushher—gently
—towardtheentranceofthebuilding.“Haveagreatday,weloveyou!”Istop,poppingafistonmyhip,browsfurrowedasIreplaythoselastthreewordsinmyhead.“No,Ididn’t,um…”MyeyescometoRosie’s.She’sstandingthere,clutchingherbreakfast,grinningatme.“Okaybye
!”Idashtomyside,throwmyselfin,andtearoutoftheparkinglotwithoutanotherlookinherdirection.“Shit.Thatwasacloseone,huh,bud?”
Connorgrinsatmeinthereflectionofthecarseatmirror.“Shit.”
Ahfuck.
***
Trouble
How’sitgoing?
Me
Great!
Areyoulying?
Onlyalittle!
*laughingemoji*Iappreciateyou,Adam.
Shemadeittwoandahalfhoursbeforetexting.I’mimpressed;Ijustknowherfingershavebeenitchingallmorning.
Andreally,we’redoingokay.Toughday,butwe’regettingthroughit.Hehasn’tthrownupinnearlytwohours,he’smanagedtokeepdownsomecrackersandwater,andhe’sonlyfallentopieces,like,threetimes,allthreetimesI’vetriedtoputhimdown.Me?I’mwhole.I’mtotally
whole.
“Ineedhelp.”
“I’llbethereinfive,”Cartersays
Iknowwhatyou’rethinking:Youcalled
Carterforadvice?
It’sthelastthingIeverthoughtI’ddo,too,butIhavetoadmit,he’sgotthedadthingdownpat.
I’mwaitingonmyfrontporchwhenherollsup,aweepingConnorinmyarms,hissmallhandtangledinmyhair.
“Whatisthat?”Iaskashestrollstowardus.
“What,this?”Hetouchesthehatonhishead.“It’smyDILFhat.”
“Icanread,Carter.Iknowwhatyourhatsays.AndwhydoyouneedaDILFhatwhenyou’realreadywearingyourDILFshirt?”
“Toreallydrivehomethepoint.”Heholdsupthecontraptioninhishand.Itlookslikesomesortof…backpack?“WhenIrelandishavingaroughday,shejustwantstobeheld.Istraphertomychest,andshe’shappyashell.”Hesizesmeup.“We’llprobablyhavetoadjustthis,becauseyou’resmallerthanme.”
Irollmyeyesashecovertlymakesthewaistlarger,becauseheknowsaswellasIdowhothesmalleroneofusis.
“I’mgonnaputyoudownforaminute,’kay,buddy?”IlowerConnordowntoachaironmyporch,andhescreams,grabbingfistfulsofmyshirt.
“No
!Nodown!Up!Up
!”Hescramblestohisfeet,tuggingatmypants,wailing.“Up,Dada,up
!”
“Hey,”Isoothe,crouchingdown,rubbinghisback.“Iknowyou’reupset.MyfriendCarterisgoingtohelpmeputthison,andthenI’mgoingtopickyourightbackup,okay?”
“I’llbesuperfast,littledude.Ipromise.”Carterstrapsthecontraptionaroundmywaist.“Toldyouyoucouldbeashirtlessdaddy.”
“Idon’twanttobeashirtlessdaddy.Iwanttokeepmyshirton.”IscoopConnorbackup,andCartershowsmehowtotuckhimagainstmychestbeforeheclipstheshoulderstrapstogether.Connorrubshiseyeswithhistinyfists,hiccuping,layinghischeekonmycollarbone.“Whatdoyouthink,bud?Youlikeit?”
“Bus,”hewhisperssoftly,pointingdownthestreet.
“Youwannagowatchsomebuses?”IlooktoCarter.“Canwedothatwhenhe’ssick?”
“Freshairmightbegoodforhim.”HepatsConnor’sback,smiling.“Nicetomeetyou,littledude.You’llhavetocomeoverforaplaydatewithIrelandsoon,’kay?”
Connor’swide,glassyeyesmovebetweenCarter’s.“I-lan?”
“Nailedit!”Heclapsmeontheback.“Yougotthis,Daddy.”
“Pleasedon’tcallmeDaddy.”
Hewinksatme,climbingintohiscar.“Youcancallme
Daddy.”
MyGod.PoorOlivia.
IhookBeartohisleash,grabsomesnacks,andthethreeofusheadout.Connorisquietatfirst,watchingmeasIpointouttrucksandbirds,butBearwringsasnickerfromhimwhenhetangleshimselfuptryingtochaseasquirrelupatree.
“Redcar,”hewhispers,pointingtoacaratthestoplight.
“Yes!Redcar!”Ipointatablueone.“Whatcoloristhatone?”
Hegrins,andhislittlefeetstartkicking.“Redcar!”
“Bluecar!”
“Rrred
car!”
“Closeenough!Holysmokes,buddy!”Ipointatthebuscomingdownthestreet.“Look!”
“Woooah-ho-hooo!Bus
!Bigbus!”Thebusrollsbyus,andConnorwavesfrantically.“Hi,bus!Hi,bigbus!”Thebusdriverwavesback,honkingherhorn,andConnorloseshisever-lovingmind.“Beep-beep,bus!Beep-beep!”
WestopbyWildheartandsignPigletoutforaquickwalk.She’sconfusedthatRosie’snotwithusbutelatedallthesame,tossingherbuttintheairlikeshealwaysdoes,smackingBearinthefacewithitonthewaydown.Bythetimewegetbacktothehouse,everyoneisreadyforanap.
Connoreatshalfhispeanutbutterandbananasandwichforlunch,thenshovestheotherhalfinmymouth,andIhopetoGodIdon’tcatchastomachbugfourdaysbeforeourhomeopenergame.
“Readyforanap?”Iask,carryinghimupstairs.
“No,”herepliessimply.
“Iam.I’msleepy.”
Hepointsafingerinmyface.“Dadasweepy?”
“Yeah,buddy.Dada’ssleepy.Youkeptmebusytoday.”IstepintomyspareroomandsetConnoronhisfeetsoIcanpushasidetheboxesIsetinheretheotherweek,tuckthepaintcansawayinthecloset.
WhenIstraighten,Connorisgone.
“Connor?”Irushintothebathroom,panicgrippingmyheartwhenIdon’tfindhim.“Connor!Whereareyou,buddy?”
Agigglesoundsdownthehall,andIfollowthesoundtomybedroom.Connorisatthefootofmybed,andBearhashisheadunderhisbum,likehe’stryingtohoisthimup.
“Dada,sweep?”Connorpointstothebed,thenreachestwohandsforme.“Conn’asweep.”
ReliefslidesthroughmeasIexhale.“Youscaredme.ThoughtIlostyouforaminute.”Ilifthimintomyarms.“Yougottaliedowninyourplaypen.”
“No,”hecries,graspingmyshoulders,tryingtopullhimselfup.“Nopen,nopen!”Hepatshisforehead,thefadingmarkfromSaturday,whenhegotstuckunderhisplaypenatBrandon’s.“Ouch.”
Isigh,hugginghimtomychest.“You’rescared.Iknow,buddy.I’msorry.”Irockhimsidetoside,andhelayshischeekonmyshoulder,stickinghisthumbinhismouth.“Whatshouldwedo?”
Hepointstomybedagain,stiflingayawn.“Dada,Bear,Conn’a,sweep.”
“Youwantmetoliewithyou?”
Hisanswerisasoft,sleepysmile.Isethiminthemiddleofthebed,andBearclimbsupbesidehimasIgrabextrapillowsfromthecloset,buildingamakeshiftguardaroundthetwoofthem.
Iliedownnexttothem,andmysighturnsintoafullfive-secondyawn.IrubmyburningeyesasConnorcurlsintomyside,Bearathisback,andsettleintothewarmth.“I’lljustliehereuntilyoufallasleep,’kay,buddy?”
Heslideshistinyhandintomine,andIsmileathimashiseyesdriftclosed.Hisblondwavesarescatteredacrosshisforehead,teensyfreckleslininghisnose.He’sgotthatdimpleinhischin,thesameoneasRosie,andfuck
,Ijustcan’tbelievehowperfectthislittleboyis,howdamnlucky
Iam.That’sallI’mthinkingaboutasIholdhissmallbodyagainstmineandmyeyesdriftclosed,thoughtsofhimandhismomrunningrampantinmyhead.
Rosiesoundsthesameinmydreams.Softandsweetasshecallsmyname,herquietgiggleglidingoverme.Fuck,sheevenfeelsthesameinmydreams,gentlehandsthatglideupmyarm,skimmingmyjaw,cuppingmycheek.
“Adam,”shewhispersmynameagain,andwhenherthumbsweepsovermylowerlip,myeyesflipopen,findingheramusedoneswatchingme.
“Ohfuck,Ifellasleep.Ohfuck,Ifellasleep
!”Ishootup,nearlysmackingmyfaceoffhers.Igripherarms,steadyingher,andlookatConnor,stillpassedoutbesideme.“DidIforgettopickyouup?Fuck,Rosie,I’msosorry.Connordidn’twannagodowninhisplaypen,hewouldn’tletgoofme,sowelieddownhere’causehewastiredandIwasso
fuckingtired,andhejust-hejust…”Igestureatmyside.“Hecurledupatmyside,thistinylittleball,andhewasjustclingingtome,andhefellasleep,andIwasjuststaring
athim,Icouldn’tbelievehowsweethewas,howperfect,andI-I-I…IguessIfellasleeptoo.”
Rosiesmiles,anincredible,earth-shatteringsightthatmakesmewanttodroptomykneesatherfeet.“Myteacherletmeleaveaftersurgery.Iletmyselfinwhenyoudidn’tanswer,andfoundyoutworightwhereIexpected.”Shesiftsherfingersthroughmymessedcurls.“Caringforalittlehumanalldayistiring,especiallyasickone.”ShegesturestoBear,pantinghappilyatherfeet.“MeandBearletyousleepwhilewemadedinner.”
“Youmadedinner?Why?”
“Tothankyou.IwasstressedoutthismorningbecauseIcouldn’tbeintwoplacesatonce,andIhateleavingConnorwhenhe’ssick.IthoughtIwasgoingtobestaringatmyphoneallday,askingforupdates,butwhenyoudroveoutofthatparkinglotwithmysoninmycar,Ifeltcalm.Iknewhewouldbesafewithyou,Adam.”
Shetakesmyfaceinherhands,pullingmeforwardsoshecandropherlipstomywarmcheek.“Everyday,yougivemesomethingnewtoloveaboutyou.HowluckyamItofindsomeonewhogivesmesomanythingstobethankfulfor?”
***
“Thisispointless.”
IwatchRosie,pacingbackandforthalongsidethetruckonthequietcountryroadwe’reparkedon.Shekeepsstoppingtothink,thenthrowsherarmsintheair,saying,Thisispointless,
andstartingherstrutalloveragain.
“Whyisitpointless?”
“BecauseIdon’tevenhaveacar,Adam!AndIcan’taffordone,soit’snotlikeI’mgonnabedriving,sowhyevenlearn
todrive,youknow?”Shepropsherchinonherfist,staringatmebutnotreallyseeingmeasherheadbobs.“Yeah,it’ssettled.We’llskipit.”Shemarchestothetrunk,gesturesoverhershoulder,andpatsthehoodtwice.“Nodrivinglessonstoday!C’mon,everyone!Let’sgo!”
“Doesshedothisalot?”Iask,armscrossedasshestrugglestoopenthedoorIjustlockedonher.
“Thedramaticstomp-off?”Archiewatcheshertugatthehandle.“Uh-huh.”
“Believeitornot,”Marcoadds,“shehasabiggerflairforthedramaticsthanme.”
“Okay,”Archiechuckles,rollinghiseyes.“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.Nobodyisasdramaticasyou.”
“Oh,I’vegotafriend.”Iunlockthedoorforfun,andRosie’seyeslightbeforeshereachesforthehandleagain.Ilockitagain.“SometimesI’mnotsurewhentopushhertotrynewthingsandwhentoletthingsgo.Idon’twanttoforcehertodosomethingshereallyisn’treadyfor,youknow?”
Archiehums,nodding.“Yeah,Iknowthatstruggle.Thethingis,though,you’llknowwhenshe’sreally
notreadyforsomething.She’llcompletelyshutdown,andyourheartwilltellyoutostop,tohugherinstead.Youseemtoreadherwell.She’sneverfeltrushedwithyou.Shedoesneedtobetalkedintoquiteafewthings,though.”
“Hasanyoneeverstoppedtothinkifreallypounding
thingsintohermightworkbetterthantalking
herintosomething?”Marcowagshisbrowsatme.“Giveitashot,that’sallI’msaying.”
ConnorcurlsoverMarco’sheadfromwherehesitsonhisshoulders,coveringhismouthwithhishand.Itmightbeforthebest.“Mama,tuck?”
“Idon’tthinkso,buddy,”Rosiesays,walkingbackovertous,handsonherhipsasshehuffs.“Nottoday.”Shethumbsoverhershoulderatthetruck.“Adam,something’sgoingonwiththelocks.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,theykeepunlockingandthenlockingagain.”
“Youdon’tsay.”
“It’sweird,’causeit’salmostlikewhenIreachforthehandle…”Shetrailsoff,frowningatme.It’ssuperfrowny,withasideofI’mgonnacastrateyou
.“Youmotherf—”
“Ah-ah.Watchyourlanguagearoundinnocentears.”
“Motherforkingshirthead.”Hereyesnarrow,andshepopsahip,pinningherarmsacrossherchest.Mygazefallstohercleavage—oops
—andsheyanksherbutton-uptogether,stealingmyview.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.”
“Herewego,”Archiemumbles.
“Andyousaidshedoesn’thaveaflairforthedramatics?”Marcowhispers.
“No,Isaidherflairforthedramaticswasn’tasbigasyours
.”
“I’mrighthere!”
“Wecertainlyknow,Rosie.”
Ilaugh,thenturnitintoacoughwhenRosieglaresatme.“C’mon,trouble.Let’stalkinthetruck.”
“Iknowwhatyou’redoing,”shesaysasIloadherintothedriver’sseat,theonewe’veadjustedforherthreetimes.“You’regoingtogivemethoseeyes—”
“Whateyes?”Igivehertheeyes.
“Thoseeyes!”Sheletsmebuckleherin.“Andthenyou’regonnaaskmewhat’sholdingmebackfromdrivinginthatgentlevoicethatmakesmewanttotellyoueverything,andI’mgoingtofold!”
Iclimbintothepassengerseat,holdingmypalmfaceupbetweenus.Hergazeflicksbetweenitandmethreewholetimesbeforeshefinallyslidesherhandagainstmine,tanglesourfingerstogether.Fuck,it’safeelingI’vemissedtoomuch,onethatmakeseverythingfeelsowarmandbrightandfull.
“What’sholdingyoubackfromdriving?”
Shegroans,andIchuckle.
“I’mserious.Youwereexcitedaboutourdrivinglessontoday,soIthinkyouwant
todoit.”
Shesawsherlipwithherteeth.“Ido.”
“Butyou’rescared.”
Shehangsherhead.“I’mtiredofbeingscaredofsimplethings.”
“It’sokaytobescared,Rosie.Justbecausedrivingissimpleforsomepeopledoesn’tmeanit’ssimpleforeveryone.IsitsomethingIcanhelpyouworkthrough?”
“Idon’tthinkso.”
“Wannagiveitashotanyway?Youneverknow.”
“I’mafraidofdying,”sheblurts,thenwaits,gaugingmyreaction.WhenIdon’tgiveherone,shegoeson.“It’snotreallydeathI’mafraidof,butwhatcomesafterunexpecteddeath.ThethoughtofneverseeingConnoragain,notgettingtowatchhimgrowup,itwrecksme.Andwhowilltakecareofhim?Hehasnograndparents.Hisownfatherdoesn’teven—”Shestopsherself,wavingthewordsoff,hernosewrinkling.“Iknowmyparentsdidn’tdieinacaraccident.Butpeopledieincaraccidentseverysingleday,andfiresarewaylesslikely,anditstillhappened
“Aftertheydied,Istartedhavingalotofanxietyaroundthepossibilityofunexpecteddeath,butonceIhadConnor,itgrewtenfold.Suddenly,Ihadthislittlehumanwhodependedonmeforeverything,andallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhatmyparents’finalmomentswerelike,knowingtheyweren’tgoingtoseemeagain,thatI’dbealone.Peoplealwayssay,‘Icanonlyimagine,’andIalwaysthinkit’ssilly,because,like,no,youreallycan’t.ButI’vebeenimaginingitforsolongnow,andit’s…it’sdebilitating.There’snootherwaytodescribeit.It’slikemybodyquitsonme.Feartakesholdofmybrain,andIcan’tdoanythingbutsitthereandimaginetheworst-casescenario.Igetsolostinmythoughts,Adam.Sometimesitfeelsliketheyeatmealive.”
Shesniffles,aswallowsoaudibleithurtsmyownthroat.Whenatearslidesdownhercheek,Icatchitonmythumb.“Iknowit’sonlymyimagination,butthatalmostmakesitharder,youknow?Becauseifithurtsthismuchtojustimagineit…God,thepainmyparentsmusthaveexperiencedinthosemoments,knowingthatwasit.”
Sheswipesahandthroughtheair,dismissingherownpain,forcingalaugh.“So,yeah,that’swhyI’mscaredtodrive,eventhoughI’dlovetolearn.Silly,huh?”
“No.”
Hergazeslidestome.“What?”
“Notsillyatall.Yourfearsarerealandvalid.Icanfeelyourpain,Rosie,andithurts.Ihaveathoughtthough.You’refeelingwhatyou’refeeling,thisfearofhavingtosaygood-byetoConnor,leavehimbehind,andthat’sscaryenoughonitsown…butwhatifyou’reholdingontoyourparents’grieftoo?Whatifyou’retakingonthepaintheyfeltleavingyoubehind?Theirpainthattheyfeltliketheywereabandoningyou?”
Hergazedrops,searchingthroughmywordsasherchestheaves.
Isqueezeherhandsinmine.“Canyoutrysomething?Closeyoureyesforme.”Ismile,brushingherhairoffherfaceashereyesflutterclosed.“Iknowit’shard,butpictureyourparentssittingherewithyou.”Atearescapes,trackingitswaydownhercheek,followedbyanother,andsheclampsdownonherlowerlip,chintrembling.“Tellthemyouseetheirpain.”
Sheshakesherhead,tearsfallingfaster.
“Rosie,”Iwhisper,takingherfaceinmyhands.“Please.Tellthem.”
“Iseeyourpain,”shecriessoftly.
“Goodgirl,”Imurmur,swipingathertears.“Nowtellthemyoucan’tholditforthem.”
Shegaspsoutthewordsbeforeshefallsacrossthecenterconsole,collapsingagainstmychest.Ismoothmypalmdownherback,holdinghercloseasshecriesintomyneck.
“Whatdidtheysay?”
Shelooksupatme,greeneyesdancingintheirownrain,crystalclearasitwashesawayjustalittlebitofherfears.“‘We’renotaskingyouto.’”
“Ibelievethat.Theydon’twantyoutoholdontothat.Notthepain,notthefears.Theywantyoutorememberthelove.”Iwipeawaythetearsthatclingtoherlashesasshegivesmeaheartbreakingsmile.“Ibettheygavethebestkindoflove,Rosie.Justlikeyou.”
Rosietossesherarmsaroundmyneck,huggingmetight.“Thankyou,Adam.Thankyousomuch.”
Wespendthenextfewminutescheckingthemirrors,practicingtappingthebreakandgivingthetruckjustalittlebit
ofgas,andwhenRosie’sready,shetakesadeepbreath,grippingthesteeringwheel.
“Putitintodrive,”Itellher,watchingasshedoesit.“Good.Nowsignallefttoletpeopleknowyou’regoingtobemergingintotraffic.”Iglanceovermyshoulderattheimaginarytraffic,ArchieandMarcohittinguswithtwothumbsastheywatchfromthesideoftheroad,ConnorclappingMarco’shead.“Andwhenyou’reready,takeyourfootoffthebrake.”
Shesqueezeshereyesshutandbreathesdeeplybeforedemanding,“Tellmesomethinggood.Tellmeaboutyourcharity,TheFamilyProject.Whydoyoudoit?”
Ismile.“Idoitforthekidswhoaresearchingforsomewheretobelong,searchingforsafety,forlove.”
Rosiecracksherlids.Slowly,shereleasesthebrake,andthetruckinchesforward.
“Idoitforthekidswhowanttogiveup,becauseIwanttoshowthemwhathappenswhenyouholdonalittlebitlonger.”
Shestepsonthegas,justabit,andthetruckmovesalittlefaster.
“Idoitsotheyknowthere’salwayssomeoneouttherethatlovesthem,that’srootingforthem.Thatitmighttakesometime,butthey’regoingtofindtheirpeople.IdoitfortheRosies.”
Shebeams,brightandsobeautiful,andwhenshecomestoastopatthecornerandthrowsthetruckinpark,ArchieandMarcoruntowarduswithConnor,shoutingandcheering.Theprideshininginhereyesisunparalleled,asightI’llrememberforever.
“Ididit,Adam.Idrovedownmyfirststreet!”CHAPTER31
WHO’STHEREALMR.INCREDIBLE?
ROSIE
“Areyounervous?”
“Me?Nervous?Pfft.Haveyouever
knownmetobenervous?”
Adamside-eyesmeaswestrolldownthesidewalktogether,towingConnoralonginabrand-new,top-of-the-line,fancy-as-hellwagonhejusthappenedtohaveinhisgarage.InthewagonwithConnor?Bear.Yes,thiswagonissofancy,itsupportsthisone-hundred-and-forty-pounddogwithease.“Always.”
“Thiswould’vebeenanacceptabletimetolie,incaseyouwerewondering.”IlookatConnor,bouncingalonginhisnewfavoriteride,clappinghishandsandchantingI-lan
,becauseAdamtoldhimweweregoingtogomeethisnewfriendIreland.Then,Ilookdownatmyself,theoutfitIchangedfourtimes,thejeansArchiesworehuggedmyassjustright,theoversizedsweaterIputonaftergivinguponeverythingelse.“Ijustwantyourfriendstolikeme.”
“Theyalreadyloveyou,Rosie.”
“Youcan’tpossiblyknowthat,Adam.You’reonlytryingtomakemefeelbetter.”
“Iabsolutelydoknowit.We’vebeentalkingaboutyouforthreemonthsnow.They’vebeendyingtomeetthegirlwhohasmesmilingatmyphoneallthetime.”
Heattouchesmycheeks,andIhidemysmile.It’sbeentwoweekssinceAdamandIdecidedtotakethingsslow,andthemanhaspickedrightbackupwithbeingapermanentfixtureinmylife,exceptit’sevenbetterthanbefore,evenwithoutthephysicalstuff.
Hefinishedhispreseasongameslastweek,andbetweenallthetrainingandpracticesandsurgeries,we’veseeneachothereveryday.SometimesIwakeuptohimconfirmingmyStarbucksorder,andthirtyminuteslaterhe’satmydoor,helpingmegetConnorreadyfordaycarewhileIsavormycoffee.Sometimeshe’sleaningagainsthistruckwhenIleaveschoolfortheday,aridiculouslyhandsomesmilewaitingforme,agoofygrinonBear’shappyface.Andsometimes—myfavoriteoftimes—heshowsupintheeveningswithteasandmuffins,helpsmewithConnor’sbath,readshimhisfavoritebooksandputshimtobed,andthencurlsuponthecouchwithArchie,Marco,andmetowatchJeopardy!
He’ssqueezedhimselfintoeverycreviceofmylife,andeverythingfeelssofullI’mnearlyreadytoburst.
“AtleastI’vealreadymetsomeofthem,”Isayaswestartupalong,windingdriveway.
“YoumeanattheclinicafterBear’ssurgerywhentheywereallthere?”
“No,whentheycametoWildheart.”
“Hmmm?”
“GarrettandJaxon?WhentheycametoseemeatWildheart?”
Adamarchesabrow.“Pardonme?”
“Yeah,theyworethe…thefakemustaches.Didyounotknow?”
Adamtripsoverhisownfeet,somehowkickingashoeoffintheprocess.“Fakemustaches
?”
“Backup.”Icometoastop,andAdam’sstilltryingtoputhisshoebackon.“Ifyoudidn’tknowtheycametospyonme,wheredidyouthinkJaxongotMittensfrom?”
Hethrowshisarmsoverhead.“Hetoldmeheheardlittlemeowscomingfromthedumpsterintheparkinggarageofhiscondo,andheclimbedinandsavedMittens!HesentmeapictureofMittensnexttoanoldsockandacrumpledbagofDoritosandsaid,‘LookwhatIfoundinthegarbage!’”
“Wow.That’sareallyelaboratelie.I’mimpressed.”
Adamblinksatme,andthen,again:“Fakemustaches
?”
“Garrett’sfelloffandheranawayafterpretendinghegotaphonecall.”
Adamscrubshishandsdownhisfaceinslowmotion.Withasigh,hegesturesatthesprawlinghousebeforeus.“Well,let’sgomeettherestofthem.”
HetucksthewagonontothefrontporchandtakesConnor’shandinhis.Whenheopensthefrontdoor,alivelygoldenretrieverwelcomesusbydroppingtohisback,rollingaroundonthefloor.Bearjoinsin,andConnorsquealswithlaughter,droppingtothefloorsohecangetinonthefun,andI’mbusyfreakingoutoverwhetherIshouldshakehands,hug,orofferasimple,friendlywavetoeveryoneImeettonight.IturntoAdam,abouttoblurtthequestion,butGarrettAndersenstrollsdownthestaircase,grinningwhenheseesme.
“Rosie!WelcometoCarter’sPalaceofLove.”HewrapsmeinahugassoonasIstartshovingmyhandoutinthespacebetweenus.“We’rehuggershere.”
“Well,therewasthatonetimeyoutookadildotothefaceinwayofgreeting.”JaxonRileyappearsbehindhim,windinganarmaroundme.“Oh,hey,Ican’twaittoshowyouallmypicturesofMitts.”HiseyesdarttoAdamovermyshoulder.“Uh,thisstraycat,I,uh…foundinthedumpster.”Hewinksatme,thenfrownsatAdam.“Whatareyougrumpyabout?”
“Fakemustaches
?”
Jaxongrimaces.“Oh.”
Garrettgritshisteeth.“Youheardaboutthat,huh?”Suddenly,hiseyeswiden,andhecupsahandaroundhisear.“What’sthat,Jennie?Coming
!”Hetakesoffdownthehallwayatthespeedoflight,leavingJaxonstaringatus.
“So,Iguessit’sjustus.Well,I,uh…”He’snearlyasfastasGarrettwhenhemakesarunforit,exceptheslipsattheendofthehall,crashingintothewall.“Owww
.”
“Youdeservedthat,”agorgeouswomansays,tossingherlongblondelocksoverhershoulder.WhenJaxonreachesahandupforher,shenudgesitawaywithherfoot.“SocuteyouthinkI’mhelpingyou.CaraBrodiegetsonherkneesfornoman.”Shewinksatme,pokingtheinsideofhercheekwithhertongue.“Exceptmyhusband.”
Connorclimbstohisfeet,pointingatCaraasshehugsme.“Pwetty.”
“Oh,blessyoursoul,sweetboy.”Shescoopshimintoherarms.“Youhavesuchamazingtaste,don’tyou?”
Herunshishanddownherhair,fascinated.“Wooow.”
“IdidthesamethingthenightImether,”EmmettBrodiesays,nudgingmysideasheappearsatit.Hesmilesatmebeforewrappingmeinpossiblythesweetest,bestbearhugI’veeverreceived.“I’mtheluckyhusband.”
Adam’shandslipsovermyhip,pullingmeclose,hislipsatmyear.“Youokay?”
“Ohshit.”Iclapahandtomyforehead.“Ihaven’tsaidawordyet,haveI?I’mRosie.”Iholdmyhandout,thenpullitback.“Ohright.Wealreadyhugged.”Iwipemypalmsonmyjeans.“I’mnervous.”
“Youknowwhat’sgreatfornerves?”Caraasks,transferringConnortoherhipandloopingherarmthroughmine.“Frozenmargaritas.”Sheleanscloseassheleadsmedownthehallway,thesoundof…singing?
gracingourears.“You’regonnaneedatleastfive.”
Thesightinthelivingroomisinteresting,tosaytheleast.EverybitofanxietyI’vebeenholdingontoatthethoughtofmeetingAdam’sfamilymeltsawayasIwatchCarterBeckettandhissister,Jennie,puttingonawhole-assshowwhiletheysingthekaraokeversionof“IJustCan’tWaitToBeKing.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah,”Carawhispers.“Youwouldn’tbelievehowoftenthishappens.”
Garrettslipsupbesideus,sippingacanofcherrysodawater.“Jennie’sasslooksunrealinthosejeans,huh?”
“Shutup
,Garrett!”Carterscreams,spinningtous.Hestopswhenheseesme,tossinghismicrophoneoverhisshoulder.“Ollie
!Rosie’shere!”
Footstepspatter,andamomentlaterapetitebrunetteslidesintotheroom,holdingherteensytinytwin.“OhmyGod.”Arethose…tears?“Finally
.”
Jenniedancesover,abrilliant,dimple-poppingsmileondisplaywhenshebouncestoastopinfrontofme,herlongchestnuthairtiedbackwitharibbon.“Hi.I’mthefunnier,betterlooking,andmorematureBeckettsibling.CanIgiveyouahug?”
“I’dloveone,”Isay,swallowingdowntheemotioncrawlingupmythroatasshegivesmeasqueeze,sowarm,likebeingwrappedinsunshine.Everyoneissodamnnice
,andIhadnolessthanthreeanxietyattackstodayovertheprospectofmeetingthem.
Cartersauntersover,andIsweartoGod,I’mdoingeverythinginmypowertonotlookathiscrotch.It’sbeenshovedinmyfaceseventeenthousandtimesatthebusstop,Ialmostfeellikewe’refriends.
“CarterBeckett,NHLcaptain,CalvinKleinunderwearmodel,GQ’sSexiestMan,andDILFextraordinaire.”Hischestpuffswithpride,andheshrugs.Thehumblebragrollingoffhiminwavesisastonishing.“SomepeoplealsocallmeMr.Incredible.”
“OhforGod’ssake,Carter.”Oliviarollshereyesandsighs.“I’msorry.He’s…well,he’slikethisallthetime.I’mOlivia,andI’mstuckwithhimfortherestofmylife.”ShepassesherdaughterofftoCarterandsqueezesmeagainsther.“It’ssogoodtomeetyou,Rosie.”
Cartershoveshisadorabledaughterinmyface.“AndI’mIreland,mydaddy’sbiggestfanandhisprideandjoy.
”
“Hi,Ireland,”Isnicker,shakinghertinyhand.“Youarejustperfect,aren’tyou?”
“I-lan!”Connorsqueals,tuggingatCarter’spantsuntilheplopsherdownonthefloorinfrontofhim.“Woooah-ho-ho,”Connorwondersaloud,crouchingtolookather,handsonhisknees.Hewavesather,thenpatsherfluffy,darkcurls.“Hi,I-lan.Hi,baby.”Hesmiles,eyesalight,andpointsathischest.“Conn’ahugI-lan?”
“Olivia
!”Cartershrieks,wavingaimlessly.“Getthecamera!It’shappening!”Hetearsthevideorecorderfromherhandwhenshereturnswithit,andsinkstohisbellyonthefloor,eyesglitteringasherecordsmysonhuggingthissweetlittlegirl.“Herfirstfriend
.”
Hestands,runninghishanddownhischestashesighs,andit’sthenInoticehisshirt.It’sapictureofhimandIreland,Daddy
scrawledovertopofit.MygazegoestoIrelandasConnorreleasesthegigglinggirl,andIfoldmylipsintomymouthwhenIspyheronesie.
BecausethepictureonitmatchesCarter’s,andscrawledontopofhers?Daddy’sPrincess
Adamshovesafrozenmargaritaintomyhand.“You’vemeteveryone,seentheBeckettsiblingsdokaraoke,andbeensubjectedtoCarter’sshirts,which,bytheway,hehasawholeclosetfullof.Youdeservethis.Caraputextratequilainit.”
Theextratequilaiswonderful,andsoisthestrawberrydaiquiriCaramakesmenext,butifI’mbeinghonest,it’sthepeoplethatmakethisnightsoeffortless.Toexistherewiththem,tobeateasewithbeingmyself.WatchingthemwelcomeConnorintotheirfamily,dancingaroundthelivingroomwithhim,interactingwithhimtheexactsameway
Andthey’retreatingusexactlylikewe’retheirs.
“Hekeepswhackingmeintheballseverymorning.Like,assoonasIstepoutofbed.”
“Maybesleepwithunderwearon?”IsuggesttoJaxon,whoisapparentlybeingabusedbyMittenseveryday.
Heflashesmealookofdisgust.“Noway.Iliketofree-ballit.Myboyslovetohangfree.”
“Okay,well,youcouldslipapaironbeforeyougetoutofbed.”
“Andtake’emofftwosecondslaterwhenIgoformymorningpee?Nah.”
“Imightbeoutofsolutionsforyouthen,Jaxon.Wrapyourjunk,orMittenswillcontinuetouseitforbattingpractice.”
Hehuffs,sinkingbackagainstthecouch,butsmilesathisscreensaver.It’shisandMittens’faces,smooshedtogethersidebyside.“He’sluckyhe’ssodamncute.”
Mygazecoaststheroom,findingthesamepeopleit’sbeenlookingforallafternoon.Adamhasn’tbeenmorethanthreestepsawayfromConnor,andtheonlytimehe’stakenhiseyesoffhimistoputthemonme.Rightnow,he’ssittingonthefloorwithConnor,Ireland,Garrett,Carter,andEmmett,thekidssquealingwithlaughterastheboysentertainthem.
“There’ssomethingsoinnatelyattractiveaboutmenwithkids,isn’tthere?”Oliviaasksmeonanexhale,hereyesonherhusband.
Iwatchastheyaggressivelysingthewordsto“TheWheelsontheBus,”actionsandall,untilConnorandIreland’sshrillgigglesfilleveryinchofthishouse,andwhenAdamscoopsmysonagainsthischest,hugginghimtightanddroppingakisstohischeek,fireworksexplodeinmystomach.“So
attractive.”
Oliviaturnstolookatme,grinning.
“What?”
“Hedeservesthis,youknow.You.Hedeservesyou.Someonewhoseeshimforeverythingheisanddoesn’taskforanythingmore.Someonewholoveshisgentleheartandmatchesitwithherown.Someonewholooksathimthewayyoulookathim.”
Adam’seyescometominethen,asoftnessthatmeltsmefromtheinsideout,lovethatshinesliketheflecksofgoldensunshineinhisceruleanbluegaze,andwhenhesmiles,mywholeworldrightsitself.
“Thesamewayhelooksatyou.”
Iwaveaflappyhandthroughtheairtodistractfromthefeelingsthatarestaringmedownthenose,demandingmetotossthisslow
notionoutthedamnwindowandpickuprightwhereweleftoff:me,withthreelittlewordsonthetipofmytongue,meantjustforhim.“Youdon’tknowthisyet,butI’manexceptionallyemotionalperson.”
“OhmyGod,metoo!EvenmoresoafterIhadIreland.”
“Postpartumhormonesarewild.AsifIdidn’tcryoverenoughthingsbeforehavingababy.Likethosecommercialswiththepuppies,youknowtheonesI’mtalkingabout?TheSPCAoneswith—”
“—SarahMcLachlan!Yes!IhadtobitemytonguetostopfromcryingoveronethenightImetCarter!”
“Isthatsongnecessary?Itmakesitsomuchworse.”
“Killsmeeverydamntime.”Oliviatakesmyhand,pullingmeupwithher.“C’mon.Let’smakeanotherdrink.”
Sheputtersaroundinthekitchen,tossingingredientsintoablenderwhileIexaminethetrayofsnacksontheisland.It’sBYFSNight—bringyourfavoritesnack—
somethingAdamexplainedtomeasheloadedfiveboxesofFruitRoll-Upsintothewagon.You’dthinkwewereatakid’sbirthdaypartybylookingatthiselaboratesetup,mostlymadeupofseveralkindsofOreos,Dunkaroos,Pop-Tarts,andrandomassortmentsoffruitsnacksandcereals,butapparently,thisisjusthowtheyliketocelebratethestartoftheirseason,andtomorrowistheirhomeopener.
“IfyouchooseanOreooveraFruitRoll-Up,CarterwillholdthatoverAdam’sheadforever,”Oliviatellsme.
Ilaugh,peelingopenaFruitRoll-Up,andAdamgrinsatmefromacrosstheroom.Hewinks,mouthing,Goodchoice,trouble,
andmyinsidesheat.
“What’sthis?”Iask,findingascrapbookamongallthefood.ThefrontcovershowsapictureofCarterinhishockeyequipment,holdingasmilingIreland,thewordsDaddyGoestoHockey
scrawledoverthecover.
“Carter’sbeenworkingonthatallsummer.It’sabookforIrelandforwhentheboysareoutoftownforhockey.Goaheadandlookatit.”
Iflipthroughthepages,obviouslycreatedwithsomuchlove,picturesuponpicturesoftheirfamily,ofCarterontheice,OliviaandIrelandinthestands.Itgoesthroughtheirdailyroutines,morningsnugglesandamessybreakfast,walksinthepark,doggykisses,andbubblebathsbeforebed.AndthenitshowsCarterboardingaplane,explainshowhe’sgoingsomewherefartoplayhockeybutthathe’llbethinkingofhome,andsoon,he’llbewithhisgirlsagain.
OnthelastpageisaphotoofCarterwithIrelandtuckedinthecrookofhisarm,Oliviaheldtightagainsthisside.Thelovereflectedinhisgazeisstaggering,butit’sthewordsbeneaththephotothattugateverybitofmyheart.
Daddygoestohockey,buthislovestayshere.
Cartersidlesupnexttome,peeringovermyshoulder,wearingasmallsmile.“Idon’tknowwhatI’lldobeingawayfromhersomuch.”
“You’rereallygonnamissher,huh?”
“Uh,yeah.I’mkinda
obsessedwithher.”
MygazeflickstohisDaddy
T-shirt.“Youdon’tsay.”
“Whatifsheforgetsaboutme,youknow?WhatifsheforgetswhatIlooklike?”
IlooktoIreland,sittinginGarrett’slap,herdad’sfaceonheroutfit.“Itrulydon’tthinkthat’spossible.”
“You’reright,Rosie.Ishouldhavemoreshirtsmadeforus.Oneforeverydayoftheweek.Greatidea,thanks.”
“What?Ididn’tsay—”
“Ollie!RosietoldmetomakemoreshirtsformeandIreland!”
“Carter,you’vegiventhatpoorgirldownthestreetafull-timejobmakingshirtsforyou,andshe’sonlyfourteen.Youneedtogiveherabreak.”
“Okay.”Hewinksatme.“I’lldefinitelydothat.”Wink,wink
“You’reamenace,”Iwhispertohim.
“YouhavenoideahowhighIcansoar,Rosie.”
Thegirlspullmeoutside,gatheringaroundafirepitwithallthefixingsfors’moreswhilewesipatourdrinks.
“Ican’tbelievewe’retrustingthosefivealonewiththekids,”Jenniesaysassherotatesastickofmarshmallowsoverthecoals.
“Areyoukiddingme?IfoundagiantrollofBubbleWrapinthegaragetwodaysago.WhenIaskedCarterwhatitwasfor,hesaiditwasforIrelandwhenshestartswalking.Ithoughthewasjoking,butwhenIlaughed,hesaid,‘Ourdaughter’ssafetyisnotajoke,Olivia.’”
Caragasps.“Hecalledyoubyyourfullname?”
Shenodssomberly.“ConnorandIrelandarepossiblytoo
safewiththoseboysinthere.”
Jenniehandsmeagooeys’more,andsomethingthicksettlesinmythroatasIstaredownatit.
“Youokay?”sheasksmesoftly.
“Oh,yeah.Sorry.Thisisjustreallynice.Itremindsmeofmyparents.Weusedtocampseveraltimesasummer,ands’moresweremydad’sspecialty.Ihaven’thadoneinalongtime.”
Jenniesmiles,squeezingmyforearm.“MydadpassedwhenIwassixteen.It’sweird,isn’tit?Doingthingsnowthatweusedtodothen?It’snostalgicinalltherightways,anditmakesmefeellikehe’srightherebesideme.Butit’sstillhardtoo.Becausesometimesthefeelingthathe’srightnexttomeissostrong,Ilookovertosaysomethingtohim,and…”
“He’snotthere.”
“Yeah.It’salmostlikeIforgethowtobreatheforasecond.”
“Iknowthatfeeling.”Isqueezeherhand.“Thankyouforsharingthatwithme.”
Thefourofussettleintoeasyconversation,andoncetheboyspopoutsidetoletusknowthey’regoingtolaythekidsdown,OliviaandCaradecidetoaddjustalittlemore
tequilatothenextpitcher.
“I’mnotaviolentperson—”
OliviainterruptsCara’smonologuewithasnort.
“—butifIweregivenfiveminutesaloneinaroomwithher—”
Isnicker,andCarapointsatme.
“You’relaughing,butI’mserious.IfCourtneywasstandingontheedgeofacliff,myelbowwouldabsolutelyaccidentallynudgeherribsjustright,andwe’dneverspeakhernameagain.”
“Wasshereallythatbad?”Iask.Allthreeofthemlevelmewithalook,andIcringe.“Ithoughtmaybethemediawasembellishing.”
“Therewasnoembellishing.”Oliviasighs.“Shewasexactlyasawfulastheypaintedhertobe,buttruthfully,we’rejustgladshe’soutofAdam’slife.He’salwaysdeservedsomuchmore.Sheneverfeltlikeapartofthisfamily.”
Ilookdownatmylapatthatf-word,thelongingthatpullsatmewhenIhearit.ButthenCaraspeaks,coaxingmyeyesbackup.
“Notlikeyou,Rosie.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“We’reafamily.WewantyouandConnortobepartofthisfamily.”
Somethinghappensthen.Thesmallestshiftbutwiththebiggestimpact.Likethefinalpiecewasalreadyhere,justslightlyajar,andsomeonetappedit,sogentlyI’dprobablynotnoticeit.Exceptfinally,itslidesrightintoplace,thisperfectfitthatwasjustwaitingtobefilled,andsuddenlyeverythingisexactlythewayitwasmeanttobe
Myheartpoundsarelentlessbeat,andIstruggleagainstthetightgriponmythroat,theemotionholdingithostage.NeverinmylifehaveIhadthis,thisimmediatelove,thisacceptancewithoutquestion,withouthesitation.It’sscaryandbeautifuland…incredible.It’severythingI’veeverwanted.
“Thankyou,”Iwhisper,andwhenmyvoicebreaks,thesefouramazingwomenthrowthemselvesatme,wrappingmeinahugthatfillsmeallthewayup.
AndallfourofusfreezeatCarter’sshrillshriekfrominside.
“Ollie
!Comequick!It’sanemergency!”
Weraceinside,saggingwithreliefwhenweseetheboysstandinginthekitchen,pilesofFruitRoll-Upwrappersinfrontofthem,half-eatensnacksclenchedintheirhands.
Carterholdshisrainbowsnackup,eyesalightwithexcitement.“Itdoestonguetattoos!”
“Jennie!”Garrettshoutsexcitedly,runningovertoher.Hestickshistongueout.“Wookatmine!”
CarterrushesovertoOlivia,thewholeFruitRoll-Uphangingoffhistongue.“Wook!Areyouweady?Watch!”Hepullsitoff,proudlydisplayingtheblueYodaleftbehind.“It’swoda!”
MygazeslidestoAdam,andpinkblotcheshissharpcheekbonesashesmilesshylyatme.Slowly,hestickshistongueout,showingmetheunicorntattooedthere,andit’ssofuckedupthattheonlythoughtinmyheadrightnowishowbadlyIwanttotakehimintoabathroomandmounthim.
***
“Iwanttoaskyouifyouhadfun,butyouwon’tstopsmilingandyoukeepdancingdownthestreet,soIthinkIknowtheanswer.”
Ispinaroundinthecoolnightair,thendancemywaybacktoAdam,grippinghisbicepashetowsasleepingConnorandBearalonginthewagon.“Ihadthebesttime.”
“Theydidn’tscareyouoff?”
“Notevenabit.”
“Areyousureit’snotthealcoholtalking?”
Igiggle,inhalingthefresh,crispair.“Don’tyoulovethatsmell?God,itmakesmesohappy,thesmelloffreshair.Didyouhaveaclotheslinegrowingup?Wedid.Inthespringandsummer,mymomalwaysputmybedsheetsoutsidetodry,andclimbingintothematnightwasthebestfeelingintheworld.”
Adampullsouthisphone,tappingawayatthescreen.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Makinganotetoinstallaclothesline.”
“Why?”
“Soyou’llbethishappyeverynightwhenyoucrawlintoourbed.Happywife,happylife,andallthat.”
Igiggle-snort,andI’msotipsy,Idon’tevencare.“Youreallythinkyou’regonnamarrymeoneday?”
“Sureasshitdo.”
“WhatifIsayno?”
“Youwon’t.”
“Cocky,”Imurmurasheopenshisgarage,picksConnorupoutofthewagon,ushersBearandmeinside.
“No.Justsureaboutyouandme.”
Beyondallthealcoholrunningrampantinmysystem,it’safunny,wonderfulthingtohearthosewords,toknowsomeoneissocertainaboutyourplaceintheirfuture,andtheentirewalkupthestairs,withhimlookingatme,Ican’tstoptheheatfromrisingtomycheeks.
“You’llhavetosleepheretonight,”hesays,showingmetooneofhissparerooms.“ItookthebedoutofConnor’sroom.”
“Connor’sroom?”
“Yeah.”Heopensthedoortotheroomwheretheplaypenisalwayssetup,andmyheartbeattripswhenIstepinside
Theoncetaupewallsarenowamistygray,withwhitecloudsandblackbirdspaintedabove,snow-cappedbluemountainsandmidnightevergreensbelow.Adressersitsononewall,agorgeousbookshelffilledbesideit,andontheothersideoftheroomisawood-framedbed,shapedlikeahouse,withgauzywhitematerialdrapedoveritsroof.Hundredsofglow-in-the-darkstarsdanceontheceilingaboveus,justlikemyheartdancesinmychest.
“It’safloorbed,”Adamsays.“Themattresssitsonthefloor,soConnorwon’thurthimself.Hewasscaredoftheplaypen,soIthoughthemightlikethis.”
“Whendidyoudothis?”
“Thisweek.Doyoulikeit?”
Myeyesburn,becausebelieveitornot,alcoholmakesmeahundredtimesmoreemotional,butgoddammit,I’mdeterminednottocrytonight.“Youdidthisforhim?”
“Foryouboth,Rosie.Iwantyoutofeellikeyouhaveaplacewhenyou’rehere.Likeyou’re…”
“Home.”
“Yeah.Likeyou’rehome.”
Connorstirsinhisarms,rubbinghissleepyeyeswithhisfists.“Dada,”hewhispers,smilingupatAdam.Helooksaroundtheroom,eyeswidening,wrigglinguntilAdamsetshimonhisfeet.“Whoooa-ho-ho!Birds!”
Adamfollowshimtothewall.“Andtreesandmountainstoo.”
“Ma-tins?”
“Yougotit,bud.”
Hespiesthebed,thenmakesarunforit,climbingontothemattress.“Bed!Bigbed!Whoooa,bigbed!”
“Ithinkhelikesit,”Adammurmurs,lookingbackatme.Hesmilessoftlywhenheseesthetearsrunningsilentlydownmycheeks.“Connor,gogiveMamaahuggoodnight,andthenI’llreadyouabookinbed,okay?”
Hewrapshistinybodyaroundmine,pressingasloppykisstomymouth.“Lubyou,Mama,”hesays,andthendashestothebookshelftopickabookwhileIescapetomytemporaryroom,swattingthetearsaway.
IlistenasAdamreadsConnorstoryafterstory,ashetellshimgoodnightandthatheloveshim,asthebedroomdoorclicksshutbehindhim,andhisshadowpausesinthelightstreamingbeneathmyowndoor.AndwhenIclimbintobed,Ilistentothesoundofmyownbreathing,shallowandstaggered,thefranticthumpofmyheartthatwantsnothingmorethantobeinthearmsofthemanIlove.
Whenthehouseisquietanddark,andI’vegivenuponsleep,Itiptoedownthestairs,intothekitchen.Moonlightstreamsthroughthepatiodoor,andthekettleboilsasIrootthroughAdam’spantryformyfavoritetea.
IcurseAdam’sheightasIstruggletoreachthemugs,thecoolairkissingmybarethighsasIpressuponmytoes,nearlynabbingit.
Thecoolairdisappears,replacedwithasizzlingheatthatscorchesthroughthethinT-shirtIwearasabodypressesupagainstmyback,warmbreathkissingmyear.Astronghandgripsmyhip,pinningmebetweenhisbodyandthecounterashereachesaboveme,pullsamugdown.
“Imagineyourheightwasaboveaverage,”Adam’shuskyvoicewhispers.“Thenyou’donlyneedmeforthingssomuchmorefunthanteainthemiddleofthenight.”
OhJesusChrist
Hereleasesme,midnighteyescastingmeanevendarkerstareashefillsthemug,dipsmyteabaginside,andallIcanfocusonisthathe’swearingonlyapairofboxerbriefs,thoseflawlessabsandthosedrool-worthythighsondisplaybeneaththefracturedmoonlight.“Whatareyoudoingup,Rosie?”
“I-I-I…Icouldn’tsleep.”
“Why?”
“Iwasthinkingabout…about…whydoesCartercallhimselfMr.Incredible?”Thereyago,Rosie.Muchbetterthantellinghimyouwerethinkingaboutsneakingintohisroomandaskinghimtofuckthesoberbackintoyou.
“’Causehethinkshe’sgotthebiggestdick.”
See,thisiswherethealcoholgetsmeintrouble,becauseinsteadofnodding,Irespond.
“Okay,well,I’veseen—everyone
hasseen—theoutlineofhisdick,andisitbig?Imean,sure.Yes,ofcourse.ButI’vehadyoursinmybody—moreplacesthanone—andIknow
yoursisbigger,so,who’sthereal
Mr.Incredible?”
Adamlaughs,adeep,rumblysoundthatsettleslowinmystomach,tinglingbetweenmylegs.“Ilikeyoualittledrunk.”
“Youlikemeallthetime.”
“Thisistrue.”Slowly,hestalkstowardme,andmyeyesdipdownhisbody,settlingwithoutmypermissiononthebulgeinhisunderwearashecagesmeinagainstthecounter.“Ilikeyouinyourvetscrubs.Ilikeyouinthepurpleleggingsyouworethatsecondhike,theonesthatclungtoyourass.”Hegripsmywaist,hoistingmeontothecounter,spreadingmythighsandsteppingbetweenthem,handsonmyknees,searingmyskin.“AndIlikeyouinthis,myT-shirtandnothingelse,withyourlegsondisplayandyourhipsbeggingmetoslipmyhandunderneathandgrabhold.”
Mybrainstopsworkingandmyheartbeatdropstomyclit,throbbingwithneedasAdamdragshisroughpalmsovermythighs,takingthehemofhisT-shirtashegoes.Darkeyescollidewithmineashepushesthatmaterialhigher,untilitpoolsaroundmyhips,andmybreathgetslostinmythroatwithnowayout.Hedropshisgazebetweenmylegsastheairkissesthewarm,wetspotbetweenmylegs,andaheavybreathescapeshim.
“Iknewit,”hetsks,dragginghisthumbsovertheapexofmythighs,soclose
,andyetnotcloseenoughashesmearsmyarousal,wringsawhimperrightfrommeasIleanbackonmyhands.“Icouldsmellyouthesecondyouwalkedinhere.”
“WhatdoIsmelllike?”Iwhisperashebringsonethumbtohismouth,suckingmeoffhim,asightthatmakesmeabsolutelyferal.
Hedipshishead,lipsfindingthehollowspotinmycollarbonebeforetrailingupmyneck,tomyear.“Yousmellliketrouble,andyoutastelikeittoo.Nowgetbacktobed,beforeIgetmyselfintoawholefuckingpileofit.”
Hestepsaway,watchingasIscrambletomyfeet.
Headywordsstopmeattheedgeofthekitchen.
“AndRosie?IfIfindyouinmykitcheninthemiddleofthenightagain,I’mfuckingyourightthereonthatcounter.”CHAPTER32
IT’SOCTOBERTHIRD
ADAM
“I’mnotdoing
yourTikTok,Carter.”
Youwouldn’tbelievehowoftenthosewordsarespokeninthisdressingroom.You’dthinkmostcaptainswouldbehyperfocusedbeforethehomeopenergame,maybeeveninstillingthefearofGodintohisteammates,butnotCarter.No,ourcaptainissoexcitedforhisdaughtertoseehimplaytonight,he’sbeenblaring“MyGirl”onrepeat,shakinghisassathiscubby,andfilmingashitloadofcontentforhisTikTokpage.He’sbeentryingtogetsomeonetoagreetosomeMeanGirls–
inspiredvideoforthelasttenminutes,butnoone’sbiting.
“Whynot?”CarterasksGarrett,frowning.
“’CauseI’mtryingtogetreadyforourgame.”
“Afterthegame,then?”
“No.”
“Butit’sMeanGirls
day!Thisone’ssoeasy!Allyouhavetodoislookatthecameraandsaythedate.”Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischest.“Iwon’tgiveyoupermissiontomarrymysisterunlessyoudothevideo.”
“TheonlypermissionIneedtomarryyoursister,isyoursister’s.Plus,youalreadytoldmeyou’dbehappytocallmeyourbrother-in-lawsinceImakeJenniesohappy.”
“Ssshhh
!”Carter’sgazedartsaroundtheroom.“Itoldyouthatinconfidence!”
“YouknowhegotIrelandajerseythatsaysDaddy
onthebackofit,right?”Jaxonwhisperstome.“AndOliviaaleatherjacketwithhisnumberandMrs.Beckettonit.Theman’sobsessed.”
“Youknow,Jaxon,CarterwasalotlikeyoubeforehemetOlivia.Maybeworse.”
“What’syourpoint?”
Ishrug.“Can’twaittoseehowobsessedyouturnouttobefortherightwoman.”
Jaxonstaresatme,disgustcurlinghislips.“Gross.IfIevervoluntarilygetawomanajacketthatsaysMrs.Riley
onit,justkillme.I’veobviouslybeenpossessed.”
Isnortalaugh,doingupthestrapsonmygoaliepads.
“Hey,Adam?”Cartercalls.
“What’sup?”
“Whatdayisit?”
“It’sOctoberthird.”
Acollectivegroanfillsthedressingroom,whileCarterwhoopshisfistthroughtheair,hisphonepointedatme.“Nailedit!”
IlooktoJaxon.“DidIjustdotheMeanGirls
thing?”
“YoujustbecameCadyHeron,dude.”
“Fuck.”
Truthfully,IwishIwasasrelaxedasCarterrightnow.I’mworkedup,andIhavebeenmostoftheday.Withourmorningskateandateammeetingearlier,Ihaven’thadthechancetotalktoRosiesinceIdroppedherandConnoroffafterbreakfast.Iswallowedthequestiononmytonguerightalongwithmycoffee,andfifteendamntimesItypedit
I’msodamnstarved
forher,thehollowacheinsidemebegsmetohavemyfill.
Ittookeverythinginmenottosinkmyfingersinsidehersoakedpussylastnight,nottoyankhertotheedgeofmykitchencounterandremindusbothhowwellshetakesmycock.Iwanttofeelhermouthmoveagainstmine,feelthewayherhipsliftandroll,chasingmyeverymovement.Iwantherfingersinmyhairandmynameonherlips,andIwantitforever.
Butmorethanthat,IwanthertoknowhowIfeelabouther.
HowutterlydevotedIamtoher.
Howmind-blowinglyinlovewithherIam.
Mybodyhashadhers,andfuck,itwantsheragainandagain.ButIcandoslow.Icanstaveoffthedesire,solongasIgetherheart.
Myphonedingsinmycubby,andIpullitout,grinningatthenamepeekingupatme.
Trouble
Havethebesttimetonight,Adam.You’llbeincredible!Sobigandflexible.
HermessagegivesmethecourageIneedtofacethetwoemptyseatsbehindthebench,andaswemakeourwaytotheplayerstunnel,I’mfocusingongettinginthezone.
Fogfillsthetunnelfromthemachineupahead,andthelightsinthearenagoout,ear-splittingcheersfillingtherinkasIshakeoutmynerves,mygoaliemaskproppedonthetopofmyhead.Greenandbluespotlightsshineontherink,andCartergoesfromgoofballtocaptaininasplitsecond.
“Herewego,boys!Whoownsthisfuckingrink?”
“Vipers!”
“Whoworksharderthanus?”
“Noone!”
“Andwho’stakingthewinhometonight?”
“Weare!”
“Damnrightweare,boys!Getyourassesoutthereandshow’emwhoweare!”
Themusicstarts,andtheannouncercomesoverthespeakers,introducingeachplayerastheystepontotheice,untilonlymeandCarterareleft.
Cartergrabsmyhead,bringingmyforeheadtohis.“Youfuckinggotthis,bud.”Heclapsahandtomyassashisnameiscalledandskatesontotheiceasthearenaexplodes.
“Andfinally,ladiesandgentlemen,onyourfeetforourprideandjoy,numberforty,VancouverVipers’AdaaammmLockwoooood
!”
Istepontotheice,raisingmystickintheairasmychantednamedrownsoutthemusic.It’sasurrealfeeling,lookingintothisseaofblueandgreen,peopleherejusttocheeryouon.It’swhatIloveabouthockey,thewayeveryoneshowsupforeachother,standsbyyourside,believesinyou.It’saddictive,thesupport,allthelove,butstill,asthelightscomebackonforourwarm-up,Ikeepmyeyesoffthebench
Fartoomanygames,Ilookedrightthere,thespotjustbehindit,andIsawmyteammates’wives,girlfriends,families.AndinthemiddleofallthatlovewasanemptyseatCourtneydidn’tbothertofill,anexcuseshedidn’tbothertogiveme.Likeafool,Ikeptbuyingthatsamedamnticketeverygame.
It’smyfault,Iknow.Ididn’tevengiveRosiethechancetocometonight.AndyetIcan’tlook,becauseIcan’tbearthethoughtofassociatingthepainfulmemoriesofthatemptyseatwithsomeoneaskindheartedasRosie.Shedeservesmorethanthat.
Icradlemymaskinthetopofmynet,thenmovetoasafecorneroftheicewherenooneisfiringshotsatme.BeforeIcanstretchlikeIplanned,themusicchanges,andIsighwhenthe“Cha-ChaSlide”comeson.
“Ohshit!”Cartershouts,comingtoastopbesideme.“Knowwhattimeitis,Woody?”
Isighagain,becauseIknowexactlywhattimeitis.“It’scha-chatime.”IpointatJaxon,who’ssnickeringatusasGarrettandEmmettjoin.“I’mnotdoingitunlessRileygetsinonitthisyear!”
“Absolutelynot.Thisisyourtradition.Iwasn’therewhenitwasformed.”
“You’repartofthisfamily,”Cartertellshimlowly,catchinghisjerseyanddragginghimover.“Andthisfamilyparticipatesincha-chatime.”Hegesturesatthecrowd,alltheirphonesaimedatus,becausesinceCarterforcedthistraditiononusduringmyveryfirstgameinanattempttosettlemynervesandstopmefromvomiting,they’vecometoexpectitwheneverthesongcomeson.“Thepeoplewanttoseeuscha-charealsmooth,Riley,andwhatthepeoplewant,thepeopleget.”
“Idon’twanthimstandingnexttome,”Garrettgrumbles.“Ifhemessesup,he’lltakemedownwithhim.AndJennielikeswatchingmeshakemyass.”
CarteryanksJaxonbetweenus,andherollshiseyes,standingstillasastatueastherestofusfollowthesong’sinstructions,slidingtotheleft.
“Slidetothegoddamnleft,”Igrowlathim,shovinghimleftwithmyshoulder.“Nowright.”
“Criss-cros
s!”
Ijumpinmyskates,crossingmyfeet,andnarrowmyeyesatJaxon.
“Fine
,”hesnarls,crossinghisfeetonce,thentwice.Heclapsalongwiththesongandatleastthree-quartersofthiscrowd,andwhenit’stimetocha-charealsmooth,hedoesitperfectly,rollinghishipsashespinsinacircle,almostlikehe’sbeen…practicing.
HepointsonethreateningfingerinmyfacethesecondIopenmymouth.“Iknowwhatyou’reabouttosay,anddon’t.Just.Fucking.Don’t
.”
Igrin,focusingonthedancestepsasJaxonnailseverysingleoneofthembesideme,andwhenit’sfinallydone,Iclaphimontheback.“Feelslikeyou’realotmorelikeCarterthanyou’dliketobelieve.”
“Ifyouwantmetodefendyournettonight,fuckoff.”
Chuckling,Ispreadmylegswideandsinktothesplitsontopoftheice,revelinginthepullinmygroinandmyhamstringsasIgetaslowasIcan.
Garrettsinksdownbesidemeonhisknees,spreadinghislegs.“I’llneverunderstandhowyoucandothesplits.”
“Goaliethings.”
“JenniesaysitlookslikeI’mhumpingtheicewhenIdothis,”hesays,bouncingintohisstretch.Helooksup,wagginghisbrows,andIknowwithoutadoubthe’swaggingthematJennie.
Ileanforward,gettingmychestasclosetotheiceasIcan.“YouthinkRosie’sgonnawatchthegameonTV?”
“Nah.”
Inarrowmyeyes.“Thanks,youfuckingturtledick.Youcould’veappeasedmeandsaidyes,youknow.”
Garrettlaughs,climbingtohisfeetwithme.“She’snotgonnawatchonTV.”Hescoopsapuckupwiththebladeofhisstick,flippingitintheairbeforecatchingit.Thenhepointsbehindthebench.“She’sgonnawatchfromrightthere.”
MygazesnapstotheseatsIsworewouldbeempty,andmyheartswellswhenIseeit,mytwofavoritepeoplenestledbetweenpeopleIcallfamily.
Icouldn’twipethegrinoffmyfaceifItried,andasIskatetowardRosieandConnor,itonlygrows.Connor’swearingatinyversionofmyjersey,bigheadphonescoveringhisears,andwhenRosiepointstome,asmileigniteshisface.
HeslapsattheglassasIstopthere.“Dada!Hi,Dada!”
Ichuckle,placingmyglovedhandagainsttheglass,ontheothersideofhis.“Hi,buddy.I’msohappyyou’rehere.”
“Hockey!”Hepointsatmystick.“Dada…pay…hockey?”
Rosie’ssofuckingbreathtaking,sittingthereinmyjersey,IcanbarelyhearCaralosinghershitoverthefactthatConnor’scallingmeDada
“Spinforme.”Thewordsareaquietplea,andmyheartslamsagainstmychestwhenRosiegrins,liftingConnorinherarmsandspinninginaslowcircle,showingmemylastnameonherback.
Fuckingperfection
Andthenshesmilesatme,andit’sbrilliantanddetonatingandeverythingIlove.“I’mmoreofapinkgirl,butIthinkI’mrockingtheblueandgreen.”
Itakemyblockeroff,pressingmyhandagainsttheglass.“Thankyouforcoming.”
Rosie’seyessoften,andshetouchesherhandtotheothersideoftheglass.“Whereelsewouldwebeifweweren’theresupportingourfavoriteperson?”
Thewordsfillmewithpride,andtwenty-fiveminuteslater,whentheanthemsaredoneandI’mtakingmyplaceinnet,I’mdeterminedtomakethemproudtoo.
I’mnottruthfullysurehowmuchofthefirstperiodRosieactuallywatches.EverytimeIlookather,she’slookingatme.Igrin,sheflushes,andIgrinbigger.Bythesecondperiod,hereyesarefollowingtheplay,andwhenthepuckgoesfromEmmetttoGarrett,thenuptoCarter,andhestuffsitinthenetjustoverPhilly’sgoalie’sshoulder,sheevenjumpsoutofherseatwiththerestofthegirls.I’msureConnorhasnoideawhat’shappening,buteveryoneelseisscreaming,sohedoestoo.
Carterspinstoastopatcenterice,pointinghisstickathiswifeanddaughter.“Formyprincesses!”
Olivia’sstoppedburyingherfaceinherhandswhenhedoesthis,butshesuredoesstillgetredasfuckintheface.Itallmeltsaway,though,whenCarterskatesover,touchinghishandsandforeheadtotheglass,rightagainstIreland’sontheotherside.
I’mplayingphenomenally,stoppingeveryshot,butmydefensemenaredoingtheirbesttokeepthepuckfrommakingitthisfar.Whenthere’sonlyaminuteandahalfleftinthegame,we’vegottheonlygoal,andI’montrackforashutout,Phillypullstheirgoalieandthrowsanextraplayerontheice,determinedtotiethisgame.
Theplayturnsoveratthebluelineduringabadlinechange,andJaxonhopsoffthebench,racinglikehelltocatchuptothecentremanwho’sbarrelingdowntheiceatme.Icrouchdown,followingthepuckasIinchoutofmynet,andwhenhewindsuptoshoot,Jaxonpokesthepuckfree.Inabitwithmystickandshootitofftheboards,andjustasGarrettgrabsit,he’ssandwichedagainsttheboards.
Thepuckspringsfree,andPhilly’sright-wingerspeedstowardme.Hepullshisstickbackbeforesendingitforward,andIdivetotheright,deflectingitwithmyblocker.Anotherplayersnatchesupthepuck,firingitoffbeforeIcanclimbbacktomyfeet,andIleaptotheothersideandcatchitinmygloveattheexactmomentJaxonhammershimintotheboards.
Thewhistleblows,Ipulloffmymask,grabmywaterbottlefrommynet,andsquirtageneroushelpingintomymouthbeforeIdrenchmysweat-soakedfacewithit.Rosie’swatchingmewithhermouthopenwide,soIwink,watchingherfaceflushscarletasIpullmymaskbackdown.
Withtensecondsleftinthegame,thepuckdropsinthecircletomyleft.Whenitbreaksfreerightinfrontofme,clearshottoPhilly’semptynet,IdecideIwannahammerhomemyshutouttonight.Andmaybe,Iwannashowoffalittle.
IcradlethepuckbackandforthonthebladeofmystickasIskateoutofmycrease,andCartershovestheonlydefensemeninmywayoutofit.ThenIpullmystickbackandletthepuckflytowardtheemptynet.
Thebuzzerblaresasplitsecondbeforetheclockrunsdry,andIfindRosieandConnor,ontheirfeetandcheering.
Rightbeforemyteammatestacklemetotheice,Itapmyhearttwice,thenpointatthetwopeoplewhoownit.
***
I’veneverinmyliferippedmyequipmentoffasfastasIhavetonight,jumpedintheshowerandscrubbedeveryinchofmecleanbeforethrowingonmysuit,notbotheringwiththewetcurlsthatclingtomyskin,leavingwaterdropletscascadingdownmyface.
Mytiemakesitbackon,buttheknothangslooseandtoofartotheleft,andI’mtoobuzzedtogiveashit.
“Adam,areyou—”
“Leaving.Bye.”
LaughterexplodesbehindmeasIstrideacrossthedressingroom,followedbycatcallsandhollers,somethingaboutmegoingtoPoundTownandapromisetocallmetomorrowsoIdon’tgetlostthereandforgettogetontheplaneforWashingtoninthirty-sixhours.
AsifI’mgonnaspendthenextthirty-sixhoursburiedinsideRosie.
WhoamIkidding?I’mspendingthenextthirty-sixhoursburiedinsideRosie.
Camerasandrecordersareshovedinmyface,whenIstepoutofthedressingroom.Ipushbythem,wavingovermyshoulder,’causeI’msureasfucknothangingaroundtochat.
Rosielooksupfromdownthehall,Connor’shandinhers,surroundedbymyfriends.AbeautifulredflushpaintsherdelicatefeaturesasIstridetowardher,camerasonmyheels,waitingtoseewhatI’mgoingtodo.
“Dada!”Connorshoutswhenheseesme.Hedashesovertomeonunsteadylegs,andIcatchhiminonearm,hoistinghimuptome.
“Hey,littletrouble.”
HepointsatRosie.“Bigtubble.”
“Adam,”shewhisperswhenIstopinfrontofher.“I—”
Iswallowherwords,allofthem.Whateverthefucktheywere,Iswallowthemwithmymouthonhers.Fuck,she’ssweet.Likehotchocolateandcinnamon,myfirsttasteofautumn.Mymouthremembersallofher,andIdevourhersavagely,likeI’vebeendreamingofnothingbutthisallmylife.
AndI’mgonnatakeherhomeandworshipher.
Ipullback,justaninch,Rosie’stremblingfingersonmyface,mineburiedinherhair.
“Hey,trouble,”Imurmur,andshegrins.
“Hey,you.”CHAPTER33
ITHINKI’VETRANSCENDED
ADAM
Iwasn’texpectingthis.
Fuck
,Iwasnot
expectingthis.
Iracearoundmyroom,tossingdirtyclothesinthehamper,scrubbingatthescuffonthebathroommirror,washingawaythedropoftoothpastethatfelltomysinkrightbeforeIleftformygame.IhearRosiesayafinalgoodnighttoConnordownthehall,theclickofhisbedroomdoor,andIthrowmyselfontopofmybed,tuggingatthecoverstomakethemlookneatandtidy.
Fuckingfigures,theonetimeI’mrunninglateanddon’thavetimetocleanbeforeleavingmyhouse,Rosiecomeshomewithme.
ThebedroomdooropenswhenI’mmid–karatechoponapillow,andwhenmygazecollideswithRosie’samusedone,Istop.Gently,Ifinishfluffingthepillows,thenpropmyselfuponmyside,mycheekonmyfist,elbowonthemattress.
“Hey.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks,andeverystepshetakesclosertomesendsmyheartintooverdrive.
“Iwasjust…Iwas…cleaning,”Ifinishonasigh,takingamomenttostarfishonthebedbeforehoppingoffit,joiningheratmynightstand.“Ididn’thavetimetocleanbeforeIleftforhockey,andIdidn’twantyoutothinkI’mmessy.”
“Adam,I’mso
messy.”
“Yeah,butyourmessisorganizedchaos.Mineisjust…”Icircleahandaroundthemessonmynightstand,searchingforthewordI’mlookingfor,butallhopeislostwhenIseewhatI’veleftonthetable.“Ohshit.”
Rosie’sgazefollowsmine,andwhenItrytostepinfrontofthetable,sheelbowsmeoutoftheway.“What’sthis?”
“What’swhat?”
Sheholdsupthebookfrommynightstand.“This.”
Iswallowdownthenervesthatwanttoeatmealive.JustwhenIwasfeelingsoconfidentthirtyminutesagotoo.“I’vebeendoingalittlelightreading.”
“Lightreading?”Sheturnsthebookoverinherhands.“Co-Parent,NotStepparent:Howtothrowoutthelabelsandsupportyourpartnersoyoucanbethebestco-parentyoucanbe.
”
“Okay,well,youdidn’thavetoreadthetitleoutloud.”Geez.
“Howlonghaveyouhadthis?”
Irubthebackofmyneck.“Alittlewhile.IwantedtobeperfectforyouandConnorifyouevergavemeasecondchance.”
Shestaresatmeforalongmoment,herthroatbobbing.Then,shepointsatthecoloredstickytabsandhighlighteronmynightstand.“Andthose?”
Iclearmythroatintomyfirst.“I,uh…I’vebeentabbingtheimportantparts.SoIcangobacktothemlater.”
“You’vebeenannotatingabookabouthowtobeagoodpartnerandstepfather?”
“Yeah,Iguess.Well,Imean,thebooksaysoneofthemostimportantthingsistoscrapthestepparentlabel.You’resupposedtolovethekidasifthey’reyourown.Butthat’seasy,because,hello,IalreadydoloveConnorlikehe’smyown.”
TearswellinRosie’seyes,andtheymakemefrantic.Iwanttostopthem,soIopenthedrawerandpulloutmypenandnotebook.
“Ihavethislittlenotebook.SometimesIgetquestionswhenI’mreading,andIwritethemdownsoIcanaskyoulater.”Shamecreepsupmyneck,uncertaintypullingthenotebookintomychest,hidingit.“That’sweird.I’msayingitoutloudandhearinghowweirdthatsounds.Youmightnothavewantedtogetbacktogether.Andifyoudid—”
“Ido.”
Iswallowagain.“Youmightnotwantmetobethatinvolved.Youtwoalreadyhaveafamily.Youmightnotneedme,notthesamewayIneedyou.”
Rosielooksatme,thiscreaseinhereyebrowlikeshe’stryingtoprocessthewords.Shecloseshereyes,givesherheadthistinyshake,thenstepsforward,takingthenotebookfrommyhands,lacingherfingersthroughmine.“Weneedyou.”
“Youdo?”
“Ofcourse.Butmorethanweneedyou,Adam,wewant
you.”
Mychestpullstaut,threateningtobreakopenfromthestrainofmythrashingheart.“Really?BecauseI’veneverwantedanythingthewayIwantyouandConnor,Rosie.Notasinglething,notevenhockey.Iwanttobeyourpartner,andIwanttodoallthethingstogether.Theadventurousthingsandthequiet,lazythings.Iwanttodoallthehappythings,andallthesad,hardthings,too,aslongasI’mdoingthemwithyou.IwanttokeeplovingConnorexactlythewayIdo,likehe’smine,ours
,becausehefuckingfeelslikeit.Thatkidownsmyheart,andthereisn’tadaythatgoesbythatIdon’thopeonedayDada
won’tjustbeanamehecallsmebecauseit’saphase,butbecauseI’mthemanhecancountontobethereforhimallthedamntime.”
“OhmyGod,”Rosiemurmurs.“Iloveyou.”
Myracingheartskidstoastop.“Youwhat?”
Hereyeswiden,andsheletsgoofmyhands.Shestepsback,andIstepforward.“I-I-I…Ihavetoshower!”Shespins,racingintothebathroom,slammingthedoorbehindher.
IstareatitforthreesecondsbeforeIgoafterher.
Rosie’spacingtheroom,eyesclosed,fingerspressedtohertemples.I’mcertainshedoesn’tevenhearmeenter,notabovetheroaroftheshowerandherincessantchanting.
“Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.Thinkwithyourbrain,notwithyourtits.”Shethrowsherarmsintheair.“Imean,seriously,Rosie,it’snotthatdamnhard!”
“Why?”
Rosiesqueals,spinningtome.“Adam.Youheardthat.”
“Why?”Irepeat,backingheragainstthecounter.
Hereyesbouncebetweenmineasshefumblesforsomethingtograbonto,somethingthatisn’tme.“Whywhat?”
“Whydoyouloveme?”
“Oh,that
?”Shewavesaflappyhandthroughtheair,gigginganxiously.“Psssh.Thatwassosilly.Iloveyou?Yeah,Isaythatallthetime.Busdriver?‘Hey,thanksfortheride,dude.Iloveyou!’Cashieratthegrocerystore?‘Thanksforbaggingmygroceries!Loveya!’”Anothershrillgiggle,andfuckme
,Iloveherhotmessexpressside.
“Why?”Myhandgoestoherjeans,andherstomachjumpsasIskimthewaistband.“Gimmethereasons,”ImurmurasIpopthebutton,slowlydraggingthedenimoverherfullhips,downherlusciousthighs.Christ,she’salreadywetforme,andwehaven’tevenbegun.Thedarkspotinthecenterofthosedustyrosepantiesbegsmetotasteher,todivemytongueinsideherandlickherclean.
AndIplanto.
Tonight,I’mtakingherback.
Tonight,I’mfuckingdone
withslow.
Mypalmsskateuphersides,overherhipsandthedipinherwaist,dragginghershirtup,guidingherarmsaboveherheadassheletsmeslipitrightoff.Ireacharoundherback,flickingthecliponherbra,agutturalgroanrumblinginmychestasherperfect,fulltitsspringfree.
OurgazescrashasIscrapemythumbsoverhertightnipples,herbreathsputteringpastherlips.
“Reasons,Rosie.Now.”
“Idon’tfeelaloneanymore,”sheblurts,thenlicksherlip,watchingasmyfingerscreepdownherbelly.Hereyesflipbacktomine.“Andit’snotabouthavingsomeone.It’sabouthavingyou
.It’saboutknowingyou’remypartner,notjustawarmbodyatmyside.It’sthegoodmorningtextsandshowingupatthebusstopbecauseit’sraining.It’srunningmeabathandforcingmetounwindwhileyouspendtimewithConnor.It’sdouble-checkingmyStarbucksorderincasethecoolerweatherhasmademewantawarmdrinkinsteadofanicedone.It’smyfavoriteteainyourcupboardsandafreshT-shirtwaitingformetosliponforbed.It’slovingmysonlikehe’syourown,acceptingbothofuswithouthesitation.”Herlashesflutter,voicelowering.“It’snamingthescholarshipafterthehouseIgrewupin,peoniesbeneathmyparents’treemarkingandpeoniesinyourfrontyard,justsoIknowmyparentsarewithme.BecauseIfeelyoueverywhere,Adam,evenwhenyou’renothere.”
Somethingshuttersinhereyes,ahesitancythattamesmyhungerforamoment.
Irestmyforeheadagainsthers.“Whatareyouafraidof,Rosie?”
“Losingyou,”shewhispers.“Connor’sistheonlyloveI’veevergottokeep.”
“Youcankeepmine.Itbelongstoyou.”
“Promise?”
“Swearit.”Ihoistherontothecounter,pulloffherpanties,andspreadherlegswide,runningtwofingersalongherdrenchedslitasshesighs.“Lovehowfuckingwetyougetforme,”ImurmurasIdipmyfingers,smearingherwetnessoverherclit.Isinkmyhandinherhairandpullhergazetomine.“Nowtellmeagain,andnotthewayyoutellthebusdriver.”
Shetakesmyfaceinherhands,andtheloveswimminginthosesageeyesnearlyknocksmetomyknees.“Iloveyou,Adam.Foreverythingyouare.”
Iclosemyeyesasherwordsseepintomyskin,awarmththatspreadsthroughme.
Iknowthisfeeling.IfeltitwhenMomandDadaskedmeifIwantedtogohomewiththem,ifIwantedtobeapartoftheirfamily.Whentheypromisedtolovemeforever,andprovedittimeandtimeagainwhenImessedup.Ididn’thavetodoanythingtoearntheirlove.Theyjustchoseme,dayinanddayout
Andthat’swhatRosie’sdoingnow.She’schoosingme.
Allofme.
“Thankyou,”Ichokeout.
“Forwhat?”
“Lovingme.”
“Adam.”Shesweepsherthumbbeneathmyeye,coaxingmyheavygazebacktohers.“Lovingyoucamesonaturally,likealltheseyearsI’dbeensavingitjustforyou,andwhenyouwalkedintomylife,allIwantedtodowashandyoumyheartandtellyoutotakeit.Sokissme,please,becauseI’mreadytogiveitalltoyou.”
I’vewaitedtoolongforthis,apartnertowalkthroughlifewith,aloveIhaven’thadtoearnbutsimplydeserved.Because,fuck,wealldeservetobelovedwithoutcondition.
Mymouthtakeshers,agentlenipofmyteeth,beggingforentry.Asoftsweepofmytongue,tastingherslowly.HerbackbowsasIpresstwofingersinsideher,anunhurriedplungewhileIsavorthebeautybelowme,everyoneofhernoises,theonesshemakesjustforme.
“Ifellforyouthatfirstday,youknow.Outtheretakingcareofadogyoudidn’thaveanobligationto.Scaredtogiveupcontrol,toputyourtrustinanyoneelse,butwillingtodoitanywayandforamanyou’djustmet.Thoseeyesthatsmiledfirst,beforeanythingelse.AndJesus,Rosie,Ijustkeptfalling.That’sallIdid,everydamnday,fallfurther,harder,untiltherewasnowhereleftformetogo.”
Ipullmyfingersoutasshewatchesme,sinkthembackinslowly,deeper,overandover,mythumbcirclingherclitasvinesofredheatclimbhergoldenskinandhersteadybreathturnsragged.
“ThesecondIsawyouwiththatlittleboy,Iknewmyheartwasyours.You’reeverythingIwaslookingfor.Kindandgentle,withsomuchlovetogive.Someonewhoworksforthelifetheywantandwon’tgiveupwithoutafight.You’vebeenthroughsomuch,Rosie.Sodamnmuch,andnotoncehaveyouturnedaroundandwalkedaway.EvenwhenIthoughtyoumight.WhenIprayedyouwouldn’t.WhenIwasfuckingterrifiedyou’dgiveuponme.Youstayed,Rosie.Andyouchoseme.Becauseofyou,Iknowwhatit’sliketobeseen,tohaveeverysinglepieceofmeloved.Iknowbecauseyoudoiteverydamnday,andfuck,Rosie,itfeelssodamngood.”
Icuphercheek,runningmythumbalongherlowerlipasshestrugglestobreathewhileIbringherclosertotheedge.
“That’swhyIloveyou,Rosie.Iloveyou,andI’vebeenlovingyouforalongtime.”
“Adam,”shecriesout,clenchingaroundmyfingers,grindingherpelvisintothepalmofmyhandwhileshecomes.
“Loveitwhenyoucomeformetoo,”Imurmur.Draggingheroffthecounter,Ipushhertowardthesteamspillingovertheshowerdoorwhilethewaterbeatsdownagainstit.Itugmyshirtovermyheadandyankmypantsdown,mycockstandingproudasIjerkmychintowardtheshower.“Nowgetinthere.”
Whenshehesitates,Ismile,tsking.
“Youfeellikebeingabadgirltonight,huh?That’sokay.Idon’tfeellikebeingallthatnice.”
Bending,Igrabherbehindtheknees,hoistingherovermyshoulder.
“Adam
,”shesqueals,slappingmyass,makingmelaugh.“Putmedown!”
Iwhipopentheglassdoor,droppinghertoherfeetbeneaththehotstream,pushingheragainstthetiledwalls.Myfingerstangleinherwetwaves,meltedhoneyandrose,andIpressmymouthagainstherneckandmycocktoherlowerback.
“Readytolistennow?”
“No,”shebreathes.
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIwantyoutofuckmesohard,Iforgetallthetimewelostwhereyoucould’vebeeninsideme.”
Iburymysmileinherneck.“Youwantmetoimprinttheshapeofmycockinyourtight,wetpussy,trouble?”
Shegrinsatmeoverherfreckledshoulder,saucyandcharming.“Dowhateveryouwant,Adam.JustaslongasIcomewhileyou’redoingit.”
Ispinheraround,slappingherhandstothetileoneithersideofherhead,grippingherwrists.Trailingthetipofmynosedownhers,Ifindhermouth,stealingakiss.“Sayitagain,”Iwhisper.
“Iloveyou.”
“Fuck,thatsoundsgood.”Jerkingherkneesup,Iwrapherlegsaroundmyhipswhilesheslingsherarmsaroundmyneck.“Idon’thaveanycondoms,Rosie.Iwasn’texpectingthis,nottonight.”
Shebrushesherlipsagainstmine.“I’monthepill.Itrustyou.”
Inod,pressingakisstothattinydimpleinherchin.“Iloveyou.”
“Iknow.”
“AndI’mgonnafuckyoulikeIloveyou.Butfirst…firstI’mgonnafuckyoulikeIshould’velastnightonmykitchencounter.”
Sheopenshermouth,butwhateverwasabouttocomeoutdiesascreamwhenIdropherrightonmycock,buryingmyselftothehilt.
“Jesusfuck
,”Igroan,squeezingherassasshepants,rakinghernailsdownmyback.
“You’retoobig,”shecries,andIlaugh.
“Ohno,mypoorego.”
“Shutup.”
“Sayitagain,baby.It’llonlymakethisbetter.”
Firesparksinhereyes.“Shut.Up.”
“’Attagirl.”Withonehandbracedonthewallandtheotheronherass,Idrivemyselfforward.Overandover,harder,faster,deeper,untilRosie’snothingbutsharpgaspsandwhimperedpleas,bitingnailsandapairofincredible,bouncingtitsIjustwannafuckingdevour.
Ilowermymouth,suckingonerosynipplebetweenmyteeth,andRosiemoans,archingherselfintome.
“God.Adam.Ohmy…oooh
.Yes.F-u-u-uuuck.”
“You’renotspeakingEnglish,baby.”
“I’mgonnacome,”shecries,heelsdiggingintomyass,nailsrakingdownmyarms.Hereyesrollup,wethairsplayeddownherneck,andIgrabafistfulofit,dragginghergazebackdowntome.
“Lookatmewhileyoudoit.”
“Fuck,Adam.”Herpussysqueezesmycock,andIkeepthrusting,draggingeverylastdropfromher.Whenshegoeslimpinmyarms,Ipullheroffme,tossherovermyshoulder,turnofftheshower,andstalkacrossthebedroom.
Droppingheronthebed,Islapherassandfistmycock.“Handsandknees,Rosie.”
Sheclimbsthere,slowly,andIgrabherhips,yankinghertotheedgeofthebed,rightwhereIneedher.Itrailthetipofmyfingeralongherspine,thenfollowitwithmylips.
“Yougonnacomeagainforme?”
“Yes,Adam.”
“Howmanytimes?”
“Asmanyasyouwantmeto.”
“Andwhereareyougonnacome?”
Shesighs,fistingthesheetsasIdipmytongueinsideher,feastingonhersweetpussy.“Onyourcock,please.”
“Beautifulfuckinggirl.”Irunmytonguealongherslit,lickingupasmuchofherasIcanbeforeIleanoverher,fusingmymouthwithherssoshecanseehowgoodshetastes.
Imovebackbehindher,mygazetrailingeverydeliciousinchofher,thedipinherwaistthatleadstothosewidehips,softenoughformetodigmyfingersinto.Thecurveinherspinethatglidesdowntothosedimplesonherlowerback,rightabovethatimmaculate,roundass.
“Fuckinglove
these,”Irumble,draggingmypalmsdownherbacktothedimples,diggingmythumbsintohersoftflesh.Ipressmycockagainstherassandgroan,holdingherinplacewhileIfightforcontrol.“You’reafuckinggoddess,Rosie.Thisbodymakesmefucking…feral
.”
“Feral?”shewhispers,andwhensheliftsherass,rubbingitagainstmycock,anysemblanceofcontrolvanishes.
Iyankherthighstome,thesolesofherfeethittingtheground,herchestflatonthebed,andIkickherlegswidebeforeIplungedeepinsideher.Herbackbowsoffthebed,andsheripsthesheetsfreefromthemattress.
“Christ.”Igripherhip,holdinghertherewhileIpoundintoher,myotherhandglidingupherback,fistinginherwetlocks.“Goddammit,Iloveyou.Lovefuckingyou.Butmostly…”Ibendoverher,drivingdeeperasIangleherfacetomine.“Mostly,Ilovelovingyou.”
Shecriesoutmynameasourmouthscollide,myhipsslappingagainstherassas
Iclimbhigherandhigher.Sheclenchesaroundmycock,squeezingmedeeper,andwhenIreacharoundandrubherclit,sheexplodes,droppingherfacetothesheetstoburyherscream.
Ipulloutofher,flippingheroverandtossingheruptothepillows,crawlingtowardher.
“Onemore,baby,”Iplead,spreadingherlegs,tossingoneovermyshoulderasIdropmychesttohers.“Onemore.”
Sheshakesherhead,eyessqueezedshutasIsinkbackinsideher,racingtowardthefinishline.She’salreadycoming,squeezingmeagain,ormaybeshe’sjustneverstopped.Idon’tfuckingknow,butwhenherhipsliftandsheyanksmymouthdowntohers,whenshetellsmeshelovesmeonemoretime,Iletgo.IemptyeverythingIhaveinsideher,buryinghernameinthecrookofherneckasweclingtoeachother,sweaty,breathless,andsofuckinghappy.
WhenIrolloffhertwominuteslater,it’sonlybecauseI’mscaredofcrushingher.
“Thatwasincredible.Otherworldly.IthinkItranscended.”Herheadflops,blearyeyesstaringatme.“Seriously,Adam,Idon’tknowhowyou’lleverbeatthat.”
“I’llspendtherestofmylifetrying.”
“Lifegoals?”
“Myonlygoalinthislifeismakingsureyouspendtherestofyourdaysknowing,withoutadoubt,howlovedyouandConnorare.”Ituckherintomyside,sweepingmythumboverherdimpledchin.“IfIsucceed,I’llhavelivedthisliferight.”
Shesmiles,siftingherfingersthroughmycurlsbeforepressingakisstomylips.“Youareperfectforus,Adam.”
It’snothardtorealizehowluckyI’vegotteninfindingRosie.Ifitweren’tforher,I’mnotsureIeverwould’vefoundthecouragetotrulybemyself,togiveallofmetosomeoneelse.Imighthavelivedforeverbeingtooscaredofrejection,tooscaredoffakelovesandmisguidedintentions.Now,Igettolivemylifeknowingthatsomebodyhasseenitallandstillchoseme.
That’sRosie.
Sheunravelseverystring,andwhensheputsmebacktogetheragain,I’mbetterthanIwasbefore.Whole,finally,andIdon’tthinkI’veeverbeenwholeCHAPTER34
NO-NUTNOVEMBER
ADAM
“Pink’smyfavoritecolor.”
“It’soneofminetoo.”Itwasn’tupuntilfourmonthsago,butnowwhenIthinkofpink,Ithinkofeverythingbright,fresh,andcaptivating.IthinkofRosie.
Butinsteadoftellingthispreteengirlthat,ofalltheoptionsIwaspresentedwithearliertoday,IchosetodressasthepinkcrayonbecausethecolorremindsmeofthefistfulofhairIhadinmyhandsthismorningwhileRosietookmycockasfardownherthroatasshecould,Isettleon:“Itmakesmehappy.”
ThegirlinfrontofmegrinsasItakemypicturefromherhandsanduncapmymarker.“MynameisSkylar.”
“Skylar,”Irepeat,scrawlinghernameacrossthepicturebeforesigningmine,finishingitwithmyjerseynumber.“Hereyougo,Skylar.”Idumpawhackofcandyinherplasticpumpkinbucket.“HappyHalloween.”
“Thanks!”ShelooksatJaxon,hereyesmovingoverhimwithdisgust.“Idon’t
likegreen.Itremindsmeofpuke.”
Jaxoncrosseshisarmsoverhisgreenchest,andhisgreencrayon-tiphatdipsdownoveroneofhiseyebrows.“Yeah,well,Idon’t
likebutterflyqueens.Theyalso
remindmeofpuke.”
Skylargasps,thetipofhertallbutterflywingssmackingJaxoninthechinwhenshetwistsandstormsoff.
“Youfuckingsuckwithkids,”Isayundermybreathasshetosseshimonelastglareoverhershoulder,onehegivesrightback.
“I’mgoodwithIreland.Sheonlycries,like,thirtypercentofthetimeIholdher,andshelaughswhenIblowraspberriesonhercheeks.AndConnor’s,like,mybestbud.”
Thisistrue,butitmighthavesomethingtodowiththefluffycatJaxonbringsovertomyhouseeverytimehecomestovisit.Jaxonlovesshowingoffallthetrickshe’staughtMittens,andConnorlovestorollaroundonthefloorwithMittensandBear.HeevencallshisstuffedkittyMittensnow.
“WhythefuckamIdressedasacrayon?”Jaxongrumbles,tearingopenamini–KitKat.“AndwhythefuckamItheonlyonewhowasn’tallowedtowearpantswithmycostume?”
Idon’tknow,buthelookshilariousinhisgreencrayondress,withhisgreencrayon-tiphat,andhishairylegsondisplay.“It’sCarter’sworld;we’realljustlivinginit.”
“Didhetellyouwhatcostumeshe’smakingusweartonightfortrick-or-treating?”
“Hesaysit’sasurprise.”
“Hesaidthesametome,butthenhedidthishigh-pitchedgiggle,promiseditwouldbe‘spicy,’andthenranaway.”
I’masscaredaseveryoneelse.Wehaven’tbeenhomeandgame-lessonHalloweeninfiveyears.ThatHalloween,CartermadeusalldressupasBritneySpears.Istillhavenightmaresofseeinghiminhisschoolgirloutfit.Iwasstuckinredlatex,Garrettwasdressedasasexystewardess,andEmmettwasnearlynakedwithastuffedsnakearoundhis
WedidwinBestGroupCostumethatnight,though,so…
“IheardabouttheBritneySpearsdebacle,”Jaxonwhispers.Frightenedeyesbouncebetweenmine.“Thisyearwillbebetter,though,right?Becausehehasakidnow?Sohewon’tbeso…Carter-y?”
BeforeIcananswer,amicrophonescreeches.JaxonandIlookup,watchingasCarter—dressedasapurplecrayonandwithhispurple-crayondaughterstrappedtohischest—stepsontothestagesetupoutfrontofthearenadoors.
“No,”JaxonmurmursasascreenisloweredbehindCarter.
“He’sreallydoingit,”Iwhisper.
“Ithoughthewasjoking,”Garrettmutters,appearingonmyleft.
“SomeonecallOlivia,”Emmettmumbles,onJaxon’sright.“Heneedstobestopped.”
“IseveryonereadyforVipersKaraoke
?”Cartercallsoutatthegatheringcrowd.Toourhorror,theyexplodewithcheer.“TwentydollarsgetsyouthesongofyourchoicehereonstagewithaViperofyourchoosing—”
“What?”Jaxongasps.
“Ididnot
agreetothis,”Garrettgrowls.
“No,”Emmettgroans.
“Holyfuck,”Isigh.
“—andalltheproceedsgobackintothecommunitytohelpfundsportprogramsforunderprivilegedyouth.Somultiplesongsarenotonlywelcomebutencouraged
.”
Jaxonpinshisarmsacrosshischest.“Nobodybetterpickme,’causeIain’tsinging.”
AsmallgirlwearingasparklypinkdresswithafluffyskirtandatiaraapproachesJaxon,tuggingonhiscrayongownwithherglovedhands,battingherblueeyes.“Excuseme,Mr.Riley.MynameisMiaandI’maprincess.Iwannasingaprincesssongwithyou.”
Hiseyesmeltashestaresdownather,andwhensheclaspsherhandsandhangsherheadindefeat,Jaxongroans.Hetakesherhandinhis,pullinghertowardthestagewhereCarterwaitswithashit-eatinggrin.
“C’mon,PrincessMia.Let’sgopickaprincesssong.”
***
Thirteen.That’sthenumberofsongsJaxon’ssungthisafternoon.
“Heactslikehe’snotoneofus,”Cartermuses,watchingasJaxonwrapsuphisperformanceofMoana
’s“HowFarI’llGo”withagirldressedexactlylikeher.“ButIknewhewasaPuckSlutfromthemomenthesteppedoffthatplanefromNashvilleayearago.”
Garrettpullsoffhisbluecrayonhatandmessesuphishair.“Whencanwegohome?IwannatakeJennietoPoundTownoncequickinCarter’sbathroombeforewegotrick-or-treating.”
CartershoveshiselbowintoGarrett’sribcage.
“Ow
!I’mtelling!”
“I’llchopoffyourdickifyoutouchmysisterinmybathroom.”
“Youcan’t.”Garrettgetsthisslow,smugsmirkonhisface,andhischestshakes,alreadylaughingathisownjoke.“It’sherfavoriteride,rightalongwithmyface.”
JaxonthumbsatGarrettasherejoinsus.“Wheredidtheballsonthisonecomefrominthelastyear?”
“Jennie,”EmmettandIanswersimultaneously.
“Ijustknowshe’sgonnalooksexyinhercostume.Iwon’tbeabletoresisther.”
Iarchabrow,peekingdownatthephotoonmyphone,theoneRosiesentmeahalfhourago,aftertheylefthereandwentbacktoCarterandOlivia’s.It’sagroupshotofthegirlsandConnor,andthey’realldressedasdifferentanimalsandbugs.
IflashmyphoneatGarrett.“She’sabutterfly.”
“Asexy
butterfly.”
“You’dfuckJennieinagarbagebag.”
“Asifyouwouldn’tfuckRosieinone.”
Touché.
“Jennie’snotgonnawannatouchyouinyourcrayondress.”
Hegesturesaggressivelyathimself,runshishandsoverhiscrayon-coveredhips.“Jennie’sgonnabeallover
this.”
“Uh-huh.”
Hejabshisfingerintomychest.“Justyouwait.She’sgonnabebeggingforme.I’llhavetotellherno.”
Jaxonsnortsalaugh.“Asifyou’deverbeabletotellherno.”
Carter’schestpuffs.“Yeah,IgottatellOllienoallthetime.”
Everyonelaughs,exceptforCarter.
“What?Ido!”Hefrowns,handsonhiships.“Well,IcouldifIwantedto.Ijustneverwantto.”
“Youabsolutelycouldnot
,”Emmettargues.“Notevenifsomeonepaidyou.”
“Wannabet?”Carterpullsawadofcashfromhiswallet.“FivehundredbuckssaysIcan.”
“Oh,I’mso
in.”Garrettholdsuphisownmoney.
Emmettcrosseshisarms.“Whataretheterms?”
Carterthinksforaminute.“No-NutNovember.”
“No-Nut—”Iburymyfaceinmyhand.“What?”
“Thetermsaresimple.Fivehundredbuckseach,andwe’reallbettingonourselves.Nosex,nojerkingoff,nonutting—period.Westarttomorrow,Novemberfirst.Whoeverlaststhelongestgetsthepot.Twenty-fivehundreddollars.”
Myfaceisstillinmyhands,soIdragthemdownitinslowmotion.“Ican’tbelievewe’rehavingthisconversationdressedascrayons.”
“Ican’tbelieveI’mnotwearinganypants,”Jaxonsays,andthen,“I’min.”
“You
?”
“What?I’mnotinarelationship.”
“Youstillfucknearlyasmuchastherestofus,”Garrettargues.
Jaxonrunsapalmdownhisproudchest.“Yeah,I’mhardtoresist.”
“I’mabsolutelynotin,”Itellthem
“Aw,comeon,”Carterwhines.
“Ijuststartedhavingregularsexamonthago.I’mnotabouttogiveitup.”Also,I’mkindascaredofRosie.Shelikestobefuckedtosleepthenightbeforeabigsurgery,oranimportanttest.Ithelpsherunwindandtakehermindoffit,otherwiseshe’supallnighthyperfocusing.Shealsolikesmorningsex,andshowersex,andtheotherafternoonIfuckedheronmykitchencounterwhileConnorwasnappingupstairs.I’mnotgonnabetheonetotakethatfromher.
“Thenbetonme,”Cartersayssosimply,likeit’s…logical.Itfuckingisn’t.That’swhyIsnorttheloudest,mostincredulouslaugh.“Iwon’tletyoudown,Adam,Ipromise.Plus,we’reontheroadfourteendaysinNovember.WhichmeansIonlyhavetoresistOliviaforsixteendays.Icandoit.Ican.”
Hesoundssoconfident,it’sbothcomicalandsad.Afteralltheseyears,CarterthinksIdon’tknowhim.Afteralltheseyears,Carterdoesn’tknowhimself.
“No.”
“Don’tbetonme,”Emmettsays.“IknowexactlyhowthisisgonnagowhenIdropthisonCara.Hint:notfuckingwell.”Heshakeshishead.“Andgoddammit,Ilovemywife,butIamterrified
ofher.”
“Youcanbetonme,”Garrettassuresme.“Don’tworry.Jennie’snotthebossofme.”
Iblinkathim.“Mymoney’sonJaxon.”
“Fuckyeah
!”
Carterstretcheshisarmsoverhead.“Yeah,justwait’tilthegirlsseeusinthecostumesIpickedoutforustonight.They’regonnabeontheirknees,beggingforapiece.”
***
“Areyou—”
“Yes.”
“Adam.”Rosiefoldsherlipsintohermouth,butitdoesn’tstopherlaughter.Itshakesherentirebodyinsteadashereyesroamdownmybody,thenbackup.Downagain,thenup.Downoncemore,andfinallythatlaughterbreaksfree.“Ican’thandlethis,”shecries,handsonherface,andI’lltellyouthis:she’sdefinitelynotonherknees,beggingforapiece.
She’ssofuckingadorableinherladybugcostume,andI’m…I’mfucking…God,Ican’tevensaythewords.
Somehow,Carter’sfoundawaytotoptheBritneydebacle.
There’samanlyshriekfromthedownstairsbathroom,andIknowJaxon’sjustdiscoveredhisfate.
“I’mnot
wearingthis!”
“Youhaveto!”
“I’mnotdyingmyhair!”
“It’sjustcoloredhairgel!It’llwashrightout!”
RosieandIexchangealook.“Ginger.”
Shepeeksoverhershoulder,thenstepstowardme,pushingmebackintothebathroomIjuststeppedoutof.“Youknow,”shemurmurs,trailingherhanddownmycroppedorangetanktop,overmybaredabs.“Ithinkthissuitsyou.Orangemightbeyourcolor.”
“I’mgonnabefuckingfreezing.”
Shesmiles,pressingherselfagainstme,sweepinghermouthovermine.“I’llwarmyouupafter.”
“Thatremindsme,CarterwantstodoNo-NutNovember.Nosexforthewholemonth.”
“ButIstartanewrotationonMonday.I’llbeupallnightoverthinkingeverythingifyoudon’tputmetosleep.Andalso,justno.”
Ichuckle,kissingherpoutyredlips.“Imayhavelethimtalkmeintothisridiculousfuckingoutfit,butIwillnotlethimtalkmeoutofyou.”Myeyesgotomyreflectioninthemirror,andIsighatalltheorange.I’dratherbeinmycrayoncostume.“DoIlookokay?”
Rosiepressesherlipstogetherandnods.“Mhmm.”
“That’snotconvincing.”
“Well,Iloveyouanyway.”Slenderfingerslacethroughmine,andshetugsmeoutofthebathroom.
Alleyeslifttomine,andCarter,who’swearingapurpledresswithablacklaceoverlay,spreadshisarmswide.“Ehhh!Thereheis!”
Thegirlsexplodewithlaughter,andRosiefinallyletshersgobesideme.
“Aw,c’mon!”Garrettthrowshisarmsintheair.Hisblondhairispulledintohighpigtails,andhe’swearingaskintightpinkdressandknee-highsockswithhisrunners.ThefinishingtouchisthegoldchokeraroundhisneckthatsaysBABY.
“AdamgottobeSportySpiceandI’mstuckasfuckingBabySpice?”
Emmettgesturesathisgoldspandexjumpsuit.“Fuckoff.I’mfuckingScarySpice.I’mwearingfuckingspandex
.”Heaimsapointedlookathiscrotchanddropshisvoicetoawhisper.“Youcanseeeverything
.”
Cararubshischest.“Andweloveit,baby.”
Connorpeeksupfromthemathe’splayingonwithIreland,hiseyeslighting.“Woooah-ho-ho!Dada!OrangeDada!”Heleapsup,toddlingovertome,strokesahandovermyorangecargopants,andgrinsupatme.“Ilubyou,orangeDada.”
“Iloveyou,too,Mittens.”Mittensbecausehe’sdressedasakitten,andhe’sbeenwalkingaroundcallinghimselfMittens.
Thebasementdoorslidesopen,butnobodycomesout.Then,afteraminute,onerunningshoeappears,followedbyaUnionJacksock,attachedtoalong,hairyleg.Slowasmolasses,Jaxonstepsintothehallway,clothedinredbootyshortsandamatchingtanktop,showingoffasliverofhistorso,andhisbrownhairnowshinesavibrantred.
“Nobodysayaword,”hemutters,walkingintothesilentkitchenwithhisheaddown.“Notafuckingword
.”
Theslowclompofhisshoessoundsagainstthekitchenfloorasalleyesfollowhim.Whenhepullsabeerfromthefridgeandstartstodownit,thesnicker-snortsstart,chokedandmuffled.
Jaxoncloseshiseyesanddropshisheadbackwithagroanaslaughterexplodesaroundhim.“Fuckit,Idon’tcare.Ilookfineasfuck,andeveryoneknowsGingerSpicewasthehottestSpiceGirl.”
“Okay,well—”Igestureatmyself“—itwasclearlySportySpice.”
“Noway,”Garrettargues.Hetwinesatinypigtailandpopsahip,pinklollipopinhishand.“BabySpice,alltheway.”
Emmettgesturesaggressivelyathisoutfit.“I’min.Fucking.Spandex
.”
“You’reallwrong,”Cartersays.“ItwasPoshSpice.Shewasthehottestone.That’swhyI’mdressedasher.”Hepointshisfootinhisrunners,andmyeyesgototheblackstringhehaslaceduphiscalveslikesomesortofdecoration.Whenheflexesonecalf,thestringbreaks.“Aw,damnit.Ollie
!Mymuscularcalvesbrokemystringagain!”
“Well,stopflexingthem!”
“Ican’tsimplystopflexingmymuscles.”HeshakeshisheadandscoopsupIreland,who’sdressedastheworld’scutestpuppy.“C’mon,puppygirl.Let’sgetyouintoyourPoshSpicecostume.”
Oliviaplantsherfistsonherhips.“She’shappyinherpuppycostume.”
“ShewantstotwinwithDaddy,though.Yes,youdo,littleprincess,don’tyou?Daddyevengotyoualeatherjackettokeepyouwarm.”DespiteOlivia’sprotests,heheadsdownthehallwithIrelandinhisarms,singing“SpiceUpYourLife”ashegoes,andtenminuteslater,hereturnswithhisPoshSpicetwin,exceptshe’sstillwearingherpuppyears.
HeholdsherouttoOlivia.“Compromise.”Leaningintome,hehideshiswhisperbehindhishand.“IfIonlyhaveonenightleft,gottamakeitcount.”
Hedoesn’tonlyhaveonenightleft;heknowsitaswellastherestofusdo,includingOlivia,whorollshereyesandwhisperssomethinginhisear,somethingthathashiseyesbulgingasweallheadtowardthefrontdoor.
Westoponthefrontporchforaphotoop—several,actually,untilCarter’ssatisfied—thenheaddownthestreet,oneterrifyinggroupthatdefinitelyshouldn’teverbeseeninpublic.
ButasIlookaroundatmyfriends,thewayeveryonesimplyacceptstheirplaceinthisunit,howpermanentitis,IknowthisiseverythingI’veeverwantedoutoflife.Familywhochoosestostandnexttoyoueveryday,evenwhenyou’reasix-foot-fivemandressedasaSpiceGirlandembarrassingthefuckoutofyourself.
Ilookdownatthetinyhandinmine,hisotherhandtuckedintohismama’saswewalkdownthestreet,andfuck
,everythingjustfeelssodamnright
inthisworld.
Rosie’sgazeslidestomine,cheeksflushingwhenshecatchesthegoofysmilestuckonmyface.“What?”
“Iloveourfamily.”
Hereyesmoveoverourpeople,andshesmilesthemostbeautifulsmile.“ConnorandIaresoluckytobeapartofit.”
Carapopsherheadoverhershoulder.“Andwe’re
soluckyyoutwoareapartofit.”
***
Me
Whereiseveryone?
I’vebeenattherinkforfifteenminutesnow,gettingreadyforourmorningskate,andtheotherfourstillaren’there.I’dliketoheartheirexcuses,sincefuckingmywife/girlfriend/randomgirlImetatthegymallmorning
can’tbeanyoftheirreasons.No-NutNovembercommencedninehoursago.I’mtheonlyonewithalicensetobeburiednine-and-a-halfinchesdeepinsidemywoman.
AndIwas,incaseanyonewaswondering.RosieandIgotupwiththesun,andcoffeeonthebalconyturnedinto…well,fuckingonthebalcony.Suemefornotwantingtotakeadvantageofagorgeoussunriseoverthemountains.
Thedoortothedressingroomopens,andJaxonwalksin,hairamessandsunglasseson,Starbucksinhishands.
Hesinksdownbesidemewithasigh,stretchinghislegsoutandcrossingoneankleovertheother.“SorryI’mlate.Isleptin.Itwasamazing.MaybeabreakfromsexiswhatIneeded.”
“It’sbeenninehours.Idon’tthinkyoucandeducethatyet.”
“FeellikeIcan.”Hesipshiscoffeeandeyesme.“YougotlaidsixwaystoSunday.Youluckyfuck.”
BeforeIcananswer,thedoorswingsopenwithsomuchforce,itbouncesoffthewall.Carterstridesin,hisflyhalfwayundoneandhisshirtoninsideout.Hepullsawadofcashoutofhispocketandslapsitdownonthebenchbesideme.
“I’mout.”
“You’reout?”Ithrowmyarmsoutwide.“It’sbeenninehours!”
“Ollieputherbumblebeecostumebackonthismorning,exceptwithoutatopandnopantiesonunderhertutu.”Helaughs,runningahandoverhismouth.“Weplayedthisgamewhereshe—”
Thedoorbangsopen,andGarrettwaltzesin,whistling.Hetossesastackofbillsdown,andJaxongasps.“Youtoo?”
“Jenniegotanewtoy.Saidshedidn’tneedmeanymore.”Heshrugs.“Hadtoshowherthatshedoes,infact,needme.”
Thistimewhenthedooropens,it’saslowcreak.Emmettstickshisheadin,peekinginbeforeheamblesonin,runningahandthroughhismussedblondhair.“So,uh…howaboutthatNo-NutNovember,huh?”
“CarterandGarrettarebothalreadyout.”
“Oh,thankfuck
.”Hecountsouthismoney,addingittothepile.“Well,itstartedwithCararefusingtodismountmeatmidnight.ThenIarguedthatitdidn’tcountbecausewestartedbefore
midnight,sotechnically
,itwasHalloweensex.Thenshesaid,‘Technically
,Emmett,Idon’tneedyou
tomakemyselfcome.’”Hiseyesglazeover.“Shepoppedonthatfuckingaudiobookthey’relisteningto,andstarted…shestarted…shespreadherlegsandI…I…Itried.Ireallytried.”
Garrettsqueezeshisshoulder.“Iknow,buddy.Iknow.”
Jaxonleapstohisfeet,tossinghisarmsoverhead.“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?WasItheonlyonetakingthisseriously?”Hescoopsupthemoney,aggressivelytuckingitinhispocketbeforehepointsafingeratthem,oneaftertheother.“Fuckyou.Fuckyou.Andfuckyou.”Hepointsatme.“Thankyouforbelievinginme,butfuckyou,too,becauseyouhadsexandIhadnone.”
“Okay,so.Hearmeout.”Carterbraceshishandsoutinfrontofhimandgrinsexpectantly.“Destroy-Her-With-Your-DickDecember.”
Silencehangsintheairforonlythebriefestofmoments.Then,suddenly,theemptyspotonthebenchwhereJaxon’swinningsjustwereisoverflowingwithafucktonofcashalloveragain.
“I’min.”CHAPTER35
TWENTY-FIVEANDCANFINALLYDRIVE
ROSIE
“No.”
“Rosie,youcandothis.”
Ilookupatthebuildingontheothersideofthiswindshield.VancouverDriveTest
.Absolutelyforkingnot.Ipinmyarmsacrossmychestandshakemyhead.“Adam,no.Ican’tdothis.I-I-I…I’mnotready.I’llfail.”
“Whenhaveyoueverfailedatanything?”Adamtwistsinhisseat,takingmyhandsinhis.“Rosie,you’vebeenpracticingsomuch.You’redoingincredible,andbeyondthat,you’reanextraordinarilysafedriver.”
Translation:anal.
I’mananaldriver,andwebothknowit.AdamhaslovinglyremindedmethatIcangoateensybitoverthespeedlimitandstillbesafe,butI’drathercontinuedrivingmyway:takingmyfootoffthegaspedalandlettinguscoasteverytimeIgetoneortwomilesover
“Ialreadyknowtheexaminerisgoingtobesoimpressedwithhowwellyoumaintaintheexactspeedlimitatalltimes.”
Inarrowmyeyesattheamusementdancinginhis.“Iknowyou’relaughingatmeinyourhead,Adam
.”
Hechuckles,pullingmyhandtohismouth,sweepingakissovermyknuckles.“Iwouldneverlaughatyou.Ionlylaughwith
you.”
“I’mnotlaughing,”Iargue,liftingmyshouldertonudgePiglet’stongueoutofmyearwhenshesticksittherefromthebackseat.Shesettlesonlickingmytemple.“IsthiswhywepickedupPig?BroughtBear?Soeveryonecanwatchmefail?Andonmybirthday,noless.”
“Connor,tellMamashe’snotgonnafail.”
“Mamanofail!”heshoutsfromthebackseat.
Ican’ttellyouhowoftenI’vewishedIhadthesamefaithinmyselfthatAdamandConnorhaveinme.Theymakeitseemsoeasy,sonatural,thewaytheybelieveinme.WhatIwouldn’tgivetoliveonedayinsidetheheadofapersonwhoneversecond-guessesthemselves
Adamrunshisthumboverthedimpleinmychin.“Stopthat.”
“Stopwhat?”
“Overthinking.Forgettinghowamazingyouare,howmanystridesyoutakedayafterdaytobebetterthanyouwere.Yougetbehindthewheeleverysingleday,whetherit’swithme,Archie,orMarco.Whetherwe’repracticingfortwohoursorjustrunningtoStarbucks.Youconstantlyputonefootinfrontoftheotherandworkonyourgoalsandyourfears.Youinspiremeeveryday,Rosie.Evenonyourharddays.”
“Doyouwakeupeverydayandthinktoyourself,‘WhatcanIsaytoRosietodaythat’llmakeherfallevenmoreinlovewithme?’”
“Prettymuch.IneedyouheadoverheelsifIhaveanyhopeofgettingyoutochangeyourlastnameoneday.EverymorningIwakeupandaskmyselfhowIcangetusonestepcloser.”
“Shutup,”Isay,allgiggle-snortasthatfamiliarheatclimbsupmyneck.Scuffingatthefloorofthetruck,Imumble,“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellme.”
“Rosie,whatwouldyouhavedoneifyouknewthreeweeksagothatyouhadyourdrivingtesttoday?”
“Iwould’velostatleastthreenightsofsleepcatastrophizingeverythingthatcouldpossiblygowrong,hadahandfulofanxietyattacks,andIdefinitelywould’vethrownupthismorning.”
Hesmilesgently,brushingmybangsback.“Iwantedittobeasurprisesoyouweren’tstressingandinyourheadaboutthisforweeks.Itwastoomuchtimeforyoutosecond-guesshowmuchyou’velearnedintheselasttwomonths.”Withmychininhishand,hebringsmylipstohis.“Ifyou’renotready,oryousimplydon’twantto—itdoesn’tmatterthereason;youdon’tneedanexcuse—justsaytheword.I’llturnthistruckbackonandwe’llgogetbirthdaycupcakes.Thereisn’tarulebooksayingyouhavetodothis.Butyoucan
dothis,Rosie.Andifweleaveheretodaywithouttrying,that’sokay.Aslongasyouwalkawayknowingyou’recapable.”Anotherkiss,thisoneeverythingsoinherentlyAdam.Sweet,soft,thatbitofforcethatcoaxesmewideopen.“Ibelieveinyou.”
Iglanceatmysoninthebackseat,chatteringontothedogswholookathimlikehe’stheirwholeworld.HissweatersaysMamaisasuperhero
,andwhenAdamdroppedhimonthebedthismorningwearingthat,Ithoughtitwassimplyasweetgestureformytwenty-fifthbirthday.
“DoyoureallythinkI’masuperhero?”IwhispertoAdam.
“Iknowyouare.I’veseenitwithmyowneyes.Youtaketheimpossibleandmakeitpossible.”
Truthis,Ifeellikemostthingsinthisworldarepossiblewithhishandinmine.
Maybethat’swhyItakeadeepbreathandstepoutofthetruck.
Andmaybethat’swhy,fifteenminuteslater,whenIdriveoffwiththeexaminerinthepassengerseatandAdam,Connor,andthedogsonthewalkway,holdingaposterboardthatsaysGo,Mama,Go!
IfeellikeImightactually
beasuperhero.
Andmaybe,justmaybe,whenIpulluptothecurbforty-fiveminuteslater,that’swhyIgettojumpdownfromthetruck,holdupmyfinalgradewithshakyhands,andshoutoutasentenceIneverthoughtI’dgettosay.
“I’malicenseddriver!”
***
“Ihavefivecars.Youcanuseoneofmine.”
Iopenmymouthtopolitelydecline,butCarterholdsupahand.
“Wait,it’ssix.Ihavesixcars.’CauseOlliewon’tletmegetridofRedRhonda.”
Olivia’sfacelights.“YoucanborrowRedRhonda!She’ssuchagreatlittlestartercar.IgotherusedwhenIwasseventeen.She—”
Cartercovershermouthwithhishand,pullingherbackagainsthischest.“OnceshestartsonRhonda,shedoesn’tstop.Andtrustme,Ro,ol’Rhondaisn’tgonnagetyouanywhere,exceptstuckinaditch.”
Oliviafrowns,rippinghishandaway.“Thatwasonetime.Shejustneedsnewsnowtiresandshe’llbegoodasnew.”
Carter’sgazelockswithmine,andheshakeshishead,discreetlycuttingahandacrosshisthroat.
“I’llprobablykeepupwiththebuswhileIsave.Maybethat’llbemyfirstbigpurchaseafterIgraduateinthespring,whenConnorandIgetourownplace.”
“YoumeanwhenyoumoveinwithAdam?”Carterasks,thengripshisshoulderwhenOliviagiveshimalittlewhackthere.“Ow!Don’tmakemetiethosehandsup,Olliegirl.”
Sherollshereyes.“Themove-indiscussionisoneforthemtohave,notthemplusyou.”
“But—”
Oliviasilenceshimwithnothingbutthefiercelookinhereyes.
“Fine,”hegrumbles.“Butit’snotlikeAdam’sgonnalethergosomewhereelse.He’spretty
obsessedwithher.”
MygazeflickstoAdambesideme,onlytofindhimalreadywatchingme.Hewinks,andthesimpleaction,pairedwithhimpushingthatgiantwagonwithbothConnorandIrelandinside,and
BearandDublin,CarterandOlivia’sgoldenretriever,sendsaheadyrushofbloodtomyhead.He’ssoinnatelyathomeinthisroleasafamilyman,likehewasmadetofilltheseshoes,anddamnit,hedoesitsowell.
It’sbeentwomonthssincewe’veseenBrandon,andIhaven’theardfromhimonce.Iknewthatwasit,themomentwewalkedouthisdoor.Iknewtherewouldbenogoingback,thathewouldtaketheeasywayout,theonehe’dprobablybeensearchingforsincethebeginning.ButifI’dhadashredofdoubt,itwouldhavedissolvedinflamesthenightArchiecamehomefromwork,saidhesawapileofConnor’sthingssetnexttothetrashonthecurboutfrontofBrandon’scondo.
Thepictureinmyheadwasgutting,andonceConnorwasinbedforthenight,IcurleduponthecouchandcriedinArchie’sarms.TheknowledgethatitwassoeasyforBrandontoletgoofConnor,tolikenittotakingoutthetrash,ithurtlikehell.
Andyet,Connorhasn’taskedforhimonce.Hisdaysarefilledwithmorelovenowthantheyeverwere,peoplewhoputthemselvesinhislifebecausetheywanttobeapartofit,andmyboyisthriving,absolutelyglowing.Ihavesomanyincrediblepeopletothankforthat,buttheonewho’smadethebiggestdifferencerecentlyisthemanstanding
NostalgiastokesawarmfireinmychestonthischillyNovemberevening,remindingmeofthechildhoodIhad,allthewaysmyparentslovedmeandshowedmeeveryday.AllIwanttodoisgiveConnorachildhoodliketheoneIhad,andIhopesomewhere,myparentsarelookingdownatme,proudofthelifewe’reliving.
Proudofme.
“Sorry,fellas.We’dlovetogiveyoutwospecialpermission,butyouhavetoleavethewagonhere.Thebridgeisn’tfullyaccessible,unfortunately.”
“Thebridge?”Iswingmyheadaround,realizingforthefirsttimethatwe’veveeredoffCapilanoRoad,thatwe’renowintheentrywaytosomesortofpark,talkingtoasmilingattendant.IwatchAdamandCartertakethekidsoutofthewagon,securingthemtotheirchestsincarriers.Thesightissofuckingattractive,butIcan’tfullyappreciateitinthismoment.“Whatbridge,Adam?”
“Rightontimetoo,”theattendantcontinues.“Thelightsgooninfiveminutes.”
“Lights?Whatlights?Adam,whatlights?”
Hejustsmiles,takingmyhand,pullingmeforward.Myheartthreatenstopoundrightoutofmychest,becausetheonlybridgeandlightsIcanthinkofaretheonesmyparentsweresupposedtotakemetoseeexactlythirteenyearsago,onmytwelfthbirthday.
“Ithoughtwewerejustgoingforawalk,”Irushout,stumblingdownthepath,myhandsuddenlyclammyinhis.
“Youdidn’tthinkI’dletyourbirthdaypasswithoutgivingyousomethingyou’vealwayswanted,didyou?”
“Youalreadydid,”Iargue.“Youtaughtmetodrive.I’malicenseddrivertodaybecauseofyou.Youfedmebreakfastinbed,andnoone,notever,hasdonethatforme.”AndbecauseI’mnervous,andfreakingoutjustalittle
,Ileancloserandwhisper,“Andyoudidthatthingwithyourtongue,remember?”
“Ah,”hehums.“Yes,Idid.Andwithmyfingerstoo.Andthenyoudidthatthingyoudo,whatwasit,threetimesover?”
“Four,”Imurmur,thememoryofhisnameonmylipswhileIcamethismorningstillsuchavibrant,beautiful,incrediblememory.
“Right,well,letmegiveyouonelastthing.”Hestopsandpullsmebacktohim,pausingtolookathiswatch.4:28p.m.,itsays,rightontrackforthislate-fallVancouversunset,andAdamsmiles.“Ineedyoutocloseyoureyesforme.”
Mychestpullstaut,andIshakemyhead.“I’mscared.”
Connortouchesmynose.“Mamanoscare.”
“Ishouldbebrave?”Iaskhimquietly.
Henods.“Mamabwave.”
“Okay.I’llbebrave,butonlybecauseit’seasytobebravewithyoutwobesideme.”
Adam’sfingerslacethroughmine,atendersqueezethaturgesmyeyesclosed.Gently,heleadsmeforward,andwhenwestopagain,IgriphishandsohardI’mafraidImightcutofffingershemayormaynotneedinordertocatchpucks;I’mstillnottotallysureofthelogisticsofhockey.
WhileIwait,myheartthudsaquick,unsteadybeat,abuzzofelectricitythatpulsesthroughme,tothetipsofmyfingersandallthewaydowntomytoes.Ibreatheinthefreshair,listentothesoundofbirdssingingoverhead,twigssnappingandrustlingleaves,andhundredsofmemoriesfloodmybrain.Memoriesoftimessolongago,spentinplacesjustlikethis,wherethetwopeoplewholovedmemorethananythingshowedmehowtoappreciatenature,howtofallinlovewiththewayitgroundsyou,makeseveryworryseemsosmall.
Sometimeslifehasafunnywayofremindingyouthatthepermanenceofdeathisn’tquiteasall-encompassingaswebelieveittobe.Thatdespitethelackofphysicalevidence,thepeoplewepartwayswithareneverallthatfar.Thattheylingerwithus,showupsometimesatthestrangest,mostinconsequentialmoments.
BecauseasIfinishsmilingatthethoughtofmyparents,atthemomentAdam’slipstouchmyear,whisperingformetoopenmyeyes,I’mgracedwiththemostmagnificentview,oneI’vewaitedoverhalfmylifetosee.
Inaplushforestofdeepgreen,vibrantcolorsdancewiththeswayingtrees,glitterdownbelowintherunningriver,twinkleagainstthepurpleandcoralsunset,andwindlikeglowingvinesaroundabridgeI’dgivenupwalkingalong.
Formytwenty-fifthbirthday,Adamisgivingmethegiftmyparentscouldn’tdeliveronmytwelfthbirthday.Butmorethanthat,he’sgivingmethem.There’snothingIfeelmorerightnowthanthecertaintythatmyparentsarerighthereatmyside,thatthey’veneverleft.
Speechless,IstareoutattheCapilanoSuspensionBridge,theriverandthetrees,themillionsoftwinklylightsthatmakethisdayglow.AndwhenIlookintoAdam’seyes,it’snotjustthelightsthatdanceinthem,butthesamelovemyparentsshoweredmewith,dayinanddayout.Asilenttearrunsdownmycheekatthepowerfulfeeling,sopalpableIleanintoit,closemyeyes,anddrinkitin.
Adamcatchesmytearwithhisthumb.“Iknowthiswassupposedtobesomethingspecialyouandyourparentsdidtogether,andIcan’treplacethat,butIthought…”Hegesturesbehindme,andIturntoseeallourfriendsjoinusnexttoOliviaandCarter.ArchieandMarco,GarrettandJennie,CaraandEmmett,andJaxon.“Ithoughtthisfamilymightbeadecentrunner-up.”
“Pleasesayyes,”Carterwhispersovermyshoulder.“Myegocan’ttakethehit.”
“Youregoisbigenoughtotakeatleastahundredhitsbeforeit’sindanger,”Iwhisperback,sniffling.
“Damnit,sheknowsmetoowellalready.”
Iwipethetearsfrommyeyes.“Youguysarehereforme?”
“Whereelsewouldwebe?”Archieasks
Carasmiles.“We’refamily,Rosie.Weshowupforeachother.”
Jennieslapsathercheeks.“I’mnotcrying,FYI.It’sjust,you’recrying,andthelightsaresuperpretty,andIlovebirthdays,and-and…”ShechokesonaquietsobasGarrettrubsherback.“Ihavereallybadallergies.”
Adamgripsmyhand.“Imentionedwelovesuperhardinthisfamily,right?Anymoreandit’dbedownrightsuffocating.”
Suffocating?Butit’stheopposite.Thesepeople,thewaytheylovesoopenlyandwithoutlimits,it’ssogoddamnrefreshing.I’vebeensearchingmyentirelifeforthesepeople,forthiskindoflove,andIdidn’tjustfinditinoneperson;Ifounditinawholegroupofthem.Surroundingmyselfwiththeirloveislikecomingupforairatthelastmoment,havinglifebreathedbackintoyou.
Ithinkaboutitallnight,aswewanderthelittrails,havehotchocolateabovetheriver,aswetalkandlaughandenjoyeverymomenttogether.AndwhenAdamandIarelyinginbedlaterthatnight,allIwanttodoissaythankyou.
Irunmyfingersthroughthedarksmatteringofcurlsonhischest,stuffmylegbetweenhis,desperatetobeascloseaspossibletomypersonashisfingertipstraildownmyback.
“CanItellyousomething?”Imurmurintothesilenceofthenight.
Midnighteyesfalltomine,ahandsome,lazysmilehookingthecornerofhismouth.“Anything,gorgeousgirl.”
“Earliertonight,yousaidyouwantedtogivemesomethingI’vealwayswanted.ButIalreadyhavethat,Adam,becauseIhaveyou.Yougavemeyou.AndI’vealwayswantedyou,evenbeforeIknewyou.Myheartknewyouwereoutthere,thatwe’dfindyouoneday.”Iskimhisjaw,fingersslidingintohishairasIguidehismouthtomine.“HowluckyamItohavemydreamscometrue?”
“AmIreallyyourdream?”hewhispersagainstmylips.“Promise?”
“Swearit.”CHAPTER36
NOBODY’SGONNAKNOW
ADAM
“You’refuckingembarrassing.”
“Oh,what?SoyouandCartercanbringyourkidstofamilyskate,butIcan’tbringmine?”Jaxonflingshisarmsintotheairbeforeproppinghisfistsonhiships.Hiscat,Mittens,meowsfromwherehe’sstrappedtohischest,ina—fuck,thispainsmetosay—catcarrier.“Doublefuckingstandards.”
Garrettlooksupfromhisknees,wherehe’slacingupJennie’sskates.“I’mscaredyoumightbelosingit,bud.”
Jenniecringes.“Ihatetosaythis,Jaxon,butIthinkyoumightneeda—”
“Don’tsayit.Don’tfuckingsayit,Jennie.”
“—girlfriend.”
Theregohisarms,upabovehisheadagain.“Itoldyounottosayit!Mittenshasatouchofseparationanxiety,that’sall.Andwewerejustontheroadforeightdays.”HetakesMittens’paw,jigglingit.“YouhatewhenIleaveyou,don’tyou,chunk?Yes,youdo.Daddyhatesleavingyoutoo.”
Rosiesnortsalaugh,andJaxonnarrowshiseyesather.Shefoldsherlipsintohermouth,pretendingtobuttonthem,thenleansintomeasItieConnor’sbrand-newhockeyskates.“Ithinkweallknowwho’stheonewithseparationanxiety.”
Ichuckle,watchingasshelooksdownatherskates,swingsthemgently,herfingersgrippingthebenchasshebreathesdeeply.Shesureisn’texperiencingseparationanxietyfromacatrightnow,butIknowmygirlisfeelingalittleanxious.“Howareyoudoing,trouble?”
“Me?”Herbrowsjump,andshelaysherhandonherchest.“Fine.I’mfine,Adam.”
“Wannatrythatagain?”
Shesighs,longandloud,backtostaringatherskates.“I’mnervous.I’veneverskatedbefore.IthinkI’mgoingtomakeafooloutofmyself,butI’msohappytobehereanddoingsomethingthatmeanssomuchtoyou.”
Herhesitantgazeflickstothecrowdofchildrenwho’vejustexplodedthroughthedoors,rushingtofindspotsonthebenchesinourlockerroomtogetskatesontoo.KidsfromSecondChanceHome,joiningustodayforafamilyskate,becausethey’repartofourViperfamily.
IcoverRosie’swringinghandswithoneofmine,tippingherchinupuntilshe’slookingatme.Overthepasttwomonths,I’vetoldRosieallaboutmycharity,theFamilyProject,theworkwedowiththefostercommunity.Shelovesmystories,andshe’ssodamnproudofme,andasmuchasIwould’velovedtodragheralongtomeeteveryone,I’veneveraskedher.I’veneverwantedtoputherinapositionwhereshe’sforcedtorelivepartsofherchildhoodshewishesneverhappened.
Butthis,invitingthekidstobeapartofourfamilyskate,tohelpdecoratethetreeatthearena,itwasheridea
“Idon’twanttorememberwhatitfeelsliketogounnoticed,”sheadmitsquietly.“Tofeelunwanted.ButthenIdon’tthinkthememoryhaseverreallybeenfar,andIguessI’mjust…dreadingseeingmyselfinsomeoneelse,someonesmallandperfectandinnocentwhodeservestobethecenterofsomebody’sworld.Someonewhoshouldn’thavetobewonderinghowtheycanchangethemselves,makethemselvesmorelovablesosomebodywillchoosethem.”
She’sgotthebiggestheart,myRosie,anditshowsineveryoneofherdecisions,everythoughtthatwandersthroughherhead.Iknowshe’spassedthatqualityontoherson,too,becauseConnorreachesup,layinghishandonhercheek,andtellsher,“Conn’achooseMama.”
Shekissestheinsideofhispalm.“Ichooseyou,too,Connor.”
“Ithinkspendingsometimewiththesekidswhenyou’vehadsuchheavyemotionssurroundingthefostersystemisbraveofyou,Rosie.Butyoudon’talwayshavetobebrave.Ifiteverbecomestoomuch,youcanstepaway,okay?Justletmeknowwhetheryouwanttostepawaybyyourself,orwithme.I’llsupportyouhoweveryouneedtobesupported.”
Gratefuleyeslookupatme.“Thankyou.”
Chestnutpigtailscatchmyeye,andIfindLilyhoveringbyherselfinthecorner,watchingConnor,Rosie,andme.WhenIwaveather,herearsburnbrightred,andshelooksaway.
“ThatmustbeLily,”Rosiemurmurs.“Whydon’tyougosayhi?ConnorandIwillmakeourwayouttotheicewiththeothersandwaitforyouonthebench.”Shedropsakisstomylipsandstandsonshakylegs,loopingonearmthroughJaxon’sasGarrettscoopsConnorup,andIwatchthemdisappear.
Lilytwinesapigtailaroundherfinger,scuffingatthefloorasIapproachher.
“Hey,Lily-bug.I’mhappytoseeyou.”
Browneyesdarttomine.“Wasthatyourfamily?”
“Yeah,thatwasRosieandConnor.Doyouwanttomeetthem?”
Sheliftsashoulder.“Idon’twanttobotherthem.”
“Youwouldn’tbebotheringthem.”
“It’sokay.I’lljuststayhere.”
Ifrown.“You’renotgonnaskate?”
“Idon’tknowhow.”
“Well,I’llteachyou.”Iholdmyhandouttoher.“C’mon.Let’sgofindapairofskatesthatfitthoseteensyfeetofyours.”
“Willyoupromisenottoletgoofmyhand?I’mafraidoffalling.”
Iholduptwofingersinapromise.“Iwillnotletgoofyourhandunlessyouaskmeto.”Youcantrustme,Lily.”
Hernosewrinkles,andslowly,sheslideshertinyhandintomine.“Itrustyou,Adam.”
I’mnotsurewhatI’vedoneinthislifetodeservehertrust,butIknowI’mnevergoingtodoanythingtobreakit.
Withapairofskatesonherfeet,ahelmetonherhead,andherhandinmine,wewalkthroughthetunnelandouttotherink.
“Adam
!”Rosiescreams,thebiggestsmileI’veeverseensplittinghercheeksassheclingstoOliviaandGarrett,glidingalongwiththem.“Look!I’mdoingit!I’mskating!”
“Dada
!”Connorwavesfromtheice,whereheholdsontothelittleredskatingaid,EmmettholdingontoitfromtheothersideasConnortakestiny,quicksteps.“Dada,hi!Conn’apayhockey!”
“Lookatyou,littletrouble!You’redoingit!AndMamatoo!”
“They’rejustlearningtoo?”Lilyasks,tuggingonmyhand.“Likeme?”
“Justlikeyou,sweetheart.”
Herchestpuffs.“Okay.Let’sdothis.”
“That’smygirl,”Iwhoop,steppingontotheice.
Lilyfreezesatthelastsecond,droppingmyhandandhuggingtheboards.“No.Wait.I’mscared.”
Icrouchdowninfrontofher.“That’sokay.Sometimesthebestthingsinlifearealittlescary.Wecandothematourownpace.There’snorush.”
Shepeeksaroundme,watchingallthekidszippingaroundtheice,havingfun,andthenthoseginormousbrowneyescometomine.“Ithinkmaybeifyouheldme,thatmightbeokay.Canyoudothat?”
AsifI’deverbeabletosaynotoher.
Iscoopherintomyarms,sittingheronmyhip,andsheclingstomyneckasIglideontotheice.
“Don’tgotoofast,”shewhispers,andwhenIdoalittlespin,shegiggles.“Thisiskindafun.”
Carterskatesupbesideus,Irelandinhisarms,heroutfitcompletewithhertinyhelmet,Daddy
jersey,andtheteensiestskatesI’veeverseenwhileshechompsonasiliconehockeyskateteether.“Hey,Lil.Wannagoforaspinwithme?I’mwayfasterthanAdam.”
Sheshakesherhead,huggingmetighter.“Iwanttostaywithhim.Youtalktoomuch.”
“Wow,”CartermuttersasIbarkalaugh.“Adaggerrightthroughtheheart.Idon’ttalktoomuch,Ireland,baby,doI?”
“Youabsolutelydo,”Oliviaanswersasshejoinsus,holdingRosie’shand.
“Lookatyou,”Imurmur,pullingRosieintomyfreeside.“ManagedtoditchGarrett,huh?”
“AndOliviasaiditdidn’tfeellikeIwascrushingthebonesinherhandanymore!”
Olivialaughs.“You’reamuchbetterstudentthanCara.Ittookmeweekstoteachher.”
“Iwasn’tmotivatedenough,”Carasays,skatinginawobblycirclearoundus.“Emmettwasalreadyobsessedwithme.IshowedhimhowIwontheawardformosttacoseateninfiveminutesinuniversity,andhedroppedtohiskneesandbeggedmetomarryhim.”
Cara,Olivia,andCarterskateaway,andRosiesmilesatLily.
“Hi,Lily.Adam’stoldmesomuchaboutyou.I’mRosie.”
Hercheeksflame,andherlegsgripmywaisttighterasshemumbles,“Ilikeyourpinkhair.”
“Thankyou.Itwasmymom’sfavoritecolor.”
“Isyourmamainheaven?”
Rosie’seyesflicker.“Sheis.”
“Minetoo.”
Shehesitates,thententativelyreachesforward,squeezingherarm.“Youmustmissherverymuch.”
“Imissherbutterflykissesthemost,”Lilywhispers.Shetapshernose.“ShegavemethemrightherewheneverIwassadorscared.”
AsmallsmilehooksthecornerofRosie’smouth.“Mymomusedtogivemethosetoo.”
Lily’sfacelights.“Really?Soyouknowhowtogive’em?”
“Ido.”
“Maybeifyougivemeone,thenIwon’tbescaredtoskate.”Shelooksbetweenus,excitementbubbling,thendyingjustasfastassheshrinksintoherself.“Unlessyoudon’twantto.Youdon’thaveto.MaybeIshouldsitonthebench.”
Rosiestepsforwardontwowobblyfeet,takingLily’sfaceinherhands.Myheartthumpsaheavy,unsteadybeatasIwatchherpressfeatherlightkissesalongthebridgeofLily’scrinklingnose,watchthatlittlegirl’ssmileburstlikesunshine.
“IthinkIcouldtryskatingnow.Ifeelkindabraverightnow.”
WhenIsetheronherfeet,sheslipsahandeachintomineandRosie’s,andRosie’seyescometomine.Thewaytheydancesaysitall:she’sinlove,whichisprettymuchexactlywhatIfiguredwouldhappenwhenthesetwomet.Afterall,it’sbeenthesameformesincethatfirsttimeLilyslidoveronthecouch,askedmetoreadtoher.
“Itriedtakingstepsatfirsttoo,”RosiesaysasLilyclompsbetweenus.“ButOliviatoldmetotrytokeepmyfeetontheiceandwigglemybumandhipsalittlebit.”
“Likethis?”Lilyshimmiesherhips,lookingupatRosieasweslowlyglideforward.
“Justlikethat.”
“I’mdoingit,”shewhispers.“I’mreallydoingit!Lookatme!”
“You’redoingsogreat,Lily-bug.”IsmileatRosie.“Youbothare.”
“Dada
!”Connorracestowardmewithhisskateaid,Emmett’shandsoneithersideofhim.“Dada!
“Buddy!Lookatyou!”
“He’sfastasfuck,”Emmettsays,stoppingConnorbeforehecrashesintous.“Imean,fastas…fuck.”Hecringes.“I’lltrybetternexttime,Iswear.”Crouchingdown,heholdshishandup,grinningwhenConnorslapsit.“Thanksforskatingwithme,dude!”
“Bye,dude!”
“Ohmygosh.”Lilywrigglesfreefromourgrasp,puttingherhandsonherkneesasshecrouchesdowntoConnor’slevel.“Hi,Connor.You’resocute.I’mLily.CanyousayLily?”
“Woooah-ho-ho.Lily!Hug?Conn’ahugLily?”Hespreadshisarmswideandstepsintoher,andthetwoofthemgotumblingtotheice,agigglingmess.
“Ithinkhelikesme!Icanbeyourbestfriend,okay,Connor?”
Ipickthetwoofthemup,settingthemontheirfeet,andLilytakeshishandinhers.
“C’mon,Connor.I’llkeepyousafe,okay?Yourmomgavemebutterflykisses,soI’msuperbraverightnow.”
“Yeah!Bwave!”
“Becareful,youtwo,”Rosiesays,slidingherhandintomineasweglideslowlybehindthem,watchingtheirquick,teensystepsintheirskates.“Nottoofast,okay?”
Warm,mossyeyescometomine,andshegrinsthatgoofy,magnificentgrin.“Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh?Uh-ohwhat?”
“Uh-oh,IthinkIjustfellinlove.”
***
OneofthethingsIloveaboutRosieisthatshedoesn’tjustfall.She’sahead-over-heels,all-in,whole-worldtypeoflover.IfIhadn’talreadybeensureofit,Icertainlywouldbenow.Becauseintheweekfollowingthefamilyskate,Rosiehasn’tstoppedtalkingaboutacertainbrown-hairedgirlwhostoleherheart.
“Arethekidsallowedtogooutwithfamilies?”sheasksaswestrollthroughthemall,onthehuntforagownforhertoweartomyChristmasgalanextweek.It’sthefirstofitskind,anextensionofsortstothetreelightingceremonymycharity,TheFamilyProject,holdseveryyear.Exceptthisoneisafancydinneranddance,involvesalcohol,andcostsafucktonmoremoney.Butit’sanightoutforus,andIcan’twaittoseeRosieinherdress,andthenpeelitoffherlater.
“You’rethinkingofLilyagain.”
“Maybeshe’dliketogoforahikewithusandthedogs.Somethingcasual,achangeofscenery.”
That’sthefirstsuggestion.Thenextfivehundredrollin,inquicksuccession,andIdon’tthinksheevenpausestobreathe.
“Oh!Iknow!WecangotothesuspensionbridgeagainandseealltheChristmaslights!She’lllovethat!”
“Wecouldtakeheroutforapancakebreakfastandhotchocolate.”
“Ordessert.Everyonelovesdessert!”
“Oh,hey,there’sthatnewDisneymoviecomingout.Maybewecantakeherinthenewyear.”
“WhataboutthetrainatStanleyPark?”
“DoyouthinkshelikesbusesasmuchasConnor?”
“Iknowshelovesdoingherloombracelets.Whatelsedoesshelike?Doessheliketopaintorcolor?”
Ifollowherthroughastore,watchingasshegushesovergorgeousdressesandthentalksherselfoutofthem,tellingherselfitwon’tworkonherbody.Eachonesheputsback,Ihangovermyarm,andshejustkeepskeepingonwithideasforLily.
“CanIaskyousomething?”Shespinsaround,frowningwhensheseesmyarmfulofgowns.“Adam,whatareyoudoingwithallthose?”
“Isthatwhatyouwantedtoaskme?”
“No,I—Thosewon’tsuitme.I’mtoo…Ihavetoomuch…”
“There’snothingaboutyouthat’stoomuch,Rosie.Everythingaboutyouisjustright.Youlovethesedresses,soyou’regoingtotrythemon,andifyouhatethem,that’sthat.Butgivethemachance.”
“Bossy,”shemumbles,sortingthroughanotherrack.Shepullsoutasatincrimsondresswiththinstrapsandathigh-highslit,hereyeslighting.“Excuseme,couldIbotheryoutocheckifyouhavethisinatwelve?”sheasksoneofthesalesattendants.
“Absolutely.”Shetakesthedressesfromme.“AndI’llgetafittingroomstartedforyou.”
Rosiebrushesherbangsaside.Ihelpedhertouchupherhairyesterday,andthenormalcopperypinkismorevibrant,astunningshadeagainstthegoldenfrecklesonhernoseandcheekbones.“WhatwouldyouthinkabouthavingLilyjoinusforChristmas?Shecouldcomeoverinthemorningandwecouldputsomepresentsunderthetreeforher.Iknowtheydothatstuffatthehome,but…Idon’tknow.”Shedropshergaze,mindlesslyrunsherfingersalongashimmerydress.“Iwanthertofeelspecial.IhatedChristmaswithoutafamily.Itfeltsolonely,eventhoughIwassurroundedbysomanypeople.”
“Yes.”
“Yes?Yes,you’llthinkaboutit,or—”
“Yes,let’shaveheroverforChristmas.I’llcheckwithhersocialworkertomakesureit’sallowedandifit’ssomethingshe’dbeupfor.”
Hergazerisestomine,thoughtful,curious.Slowly,sheslidesherarmsaroundmywaist,pressinguponhertoestotouchherlipstomine.“Thankyou.”
I’mabouttocoaxhermouthwideopen,seeifshe’llletmeslidemytongueinthereforjustaquicktaste,butathroatclearsbesideus.
“I’msorry,”thesalesassociateapologizes.“Wedon’thaveanytwelvesleft,butIdohavesometens.Wouldyouliketotryone?”
“Ohshoot.Thatwasmyfavorite.Um…”Rosiedrumsherfingertipsagainstherchin,thenwavesahandthroughtheair.“That’sokay.Itprobablywon’tfit.”
ThesalesattendantholdsthedressupnexttoRosieandglancesatme.Webothnod.
Rosielooksupatuswithhopefuleyes.“Yeah?Youthink?”ShewavesoffmyreplybeforeIcangiveit.“No.”Shefrowns.“Okay,maybe.Whatthehell,right?”
Thesalesattendantleadsusbacktothefittingrooms,andIcollapseintoaplush,oversizedchairasRosiedisappearsintoherlittleroom.Thereareatleasttwentywomenroamingthisstore,andtheonlyothermanissittingontheoppositesideofthechangeroom,buriedunderapileofdresses,watchingsportsupdatesonhisphonefromwhatIcanhear.Helooksatme,andIgivehimahalfwavethathereturnswithanodandthebumpofhisfisttwiceagainsthischest.
Solidarity,brother,
hemouths.
IscrollaimlesslythroughmyphonewhileIwaitforRosie,checkinginwithCartertoseehowConnor’sdoingoverattheirplace.Whenfiveminutesturntoten,andRosie’ssilenceturnstogrunts,Imakemywaytoherdoorandknockgently.
“Everythingokayinthere?”
“Um…yeah.No.Ithink…Ithinkthisdressis…notforme.”
“Let’ssee.”
“Um…no.Nothanks.IthinkIneedtogoupasize.”
“Whatevermakesyoufeelcomfortable.”
“Orsomethinglessrevealing,maybe.”
Lessrevealing?
I’mtotallynotproudofthewaymydickrisestoattention,likehispresencehasjustbeenrequested.Ipressalittleclosertothedoor,mostlybecauseIwantinbutalsobecauseIdon’twantmybuddyovertheretoseethehard-onI’msuddenlysporting.
Iknockagain,loweringmyvoicetoawhisper.“Lemmesee,baby.Ibetyoulookperfect.”
Thedoorcracksopen,andRosiestepsaside,eyestrainedonthefloorassheletsmein.Iclosethedoorbehindme,mygazefallingdownherbodyinthattightlittledress.
ShetucksherhairbehindherearandgesturesatthebodyIcan’ttakemyeyesoff,theonefillingeveryinchofsatinsoflawlessly,sendingarushofbloodtomythrobbingcock.“Curseofthemombod,amIright?”Sheforcesachuckle,andwhenIdon’tsayanything,hereyescometomine,delicatevoicecracking.“Adam?Whyaren’tyousayinganything?”Shereachesforthezipperonherback.“Thiswassilly.Ican’tpullsomethinglikethisoff.Idon’thavethebody—”
ShegaspsasIpushheragainstthewall,jawgraspedbetweenmyfingers.Widegreeneyesstareupatme,hercheeksflushedwiththesameheatthatpulsesthroughme.
“Imeanthisinthepolitestwaypossible,Rosie,Iswear,butfortheloveofGod,shutup.Andifyoudon’t,ifyousayonemorethingaboutthisbodythatisn’tpraisinghowfuckingexquisite
itis,I’mgoingtodousbothafavorandshutyouupwithmycockinyourmouth.”
Myhandslipstoherthroat,squeezingitgently,holdingherinplaceasIdipmyheadanddrinkherinoncemore.Crimsonsatinsqueezesherwaist,stretchingacrossherfullhips.Theslitupherthighissky-high,beggingmyhandtoslipbelowandfindouthowwarmsheis,howwet.Myeyesclimbup,zeroinginonthedeepplungeinhercleavage,theheaveofherfull,plushtits.Thetipofmyfingerskimsherside,runsupthecenterofherchest,tracestheswellofherbreasts,alonghercollarboneandtothatdaintystrapthathangsoffhershoulder.Islipmyfingerbelowit,toyingwithit,beforeIgripitandhaulherforward.
“Feellikemakingsomenoiseforme,trouble?”
Hereyesdarttothedoor.“Here?But—oooh
.”
“Goodstart,angel,”Ihum,strokingherpussythroughherpanties.“I’mgonnataketheseoff,okay?”
Shenodsfranticallyandliftsherfoot,likeshethinksI’mgonnaslipthemoff.Instead,Iballtheflimsylaceinmyfistandrip.
“Oops.”
“Asshole,”shebreathes,hikingherlegaroundmyhipasIdragmyhandsupherthighs,grippingtwofistfulsofherass.
“Aw,see,Iwasgonnabeniceandfuckyouslowandgentlesoyoucouldkeepquiet.”Ishovethedressupoverherhips,andashiverracesdownmyspineatthesounditmakeswhenitrips.“NowIthinkI’llmakesureeveryoneinhereknowsmyname.”
“Adam—”
“Louder,baby.”Iplungetwofingersinsideherwetpussy.“Letthemknowwhoyourpussyissoakedfor.”
“OhGod
.”Shetearsatmycoat,yankingitoffmybody,pullingatthebuttonsofmyshirt,androllingherpelvisagainstmyhandwhenIreturnitbetweenherlegs.
“Adam,baby.NotGod.HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?”Istealhermouth,drowninghermoanswithmytongue,nippingalongtheedgeofherjawuntilIfindherear.“Ordoyouneedmetofuckitintoyou?”
“Yes,”shewhimpers,pullingatmybeltbuckle,yankingdownmyzipper.“Please.”
“Tellmehowperfectthisbodyis,”Idemand,teasingherclitwiththeheadofmycock.“Tellmeandyoucanhavemycock.”
“Fuck,”sherasps,watchingmycockslipthroughherslit.
“Tellme
.”
“Perfect,”shecries.“Mybodyisperfect.”
“Andwhodoesitbelongto?”
“You,”shewhimpers,breathlessasIpushinsideher.
“Andthispussy?Who’sfuckingit?Whoownsit?”
“You,Adam.God,you
.”
“That’smygoodfuckinggirl,Rosie.”
Myfingersslideupthebackofherneck,grabbingthehairathernapeasIholdheragainstthewallandfuckher.Hernailsrakedownmyshouldersassheliftsherhips,urgingmedeeper,harder.Myhandglidesalonghershoulder,grabbingholdofthatdelicatestrap.Ipull,rippingit,andherincredibletitsspringfree,bouncinginmyfaceassheridesme.
“You’reafuckingmasterpiece,sweetheart.Madejustforme,IsweartoGod.”Ipullherheadtaut,bringingthoseeyestomine.“I’mgonnaworshipthisbodyfortherestofmylife.”
“Please,”shebegs.“Idon’twantyoutostop.”
“Couldn’tifItried.”IdropmyforeheadtohersasIdrivemyselfforward,overandover,thedoorshakingonitshinges.“Christ,Rosie.You’resotight,sofuckingwet,squeezingmesogood.”
Palmingherbreast,Isuckhernippleintomymouth,teasingitwithmytongue,pullingitgentlybetweenmyteethasshewrithesandcries,pleadingformore.
“I’mgonnacome.Adam,I’mgonna…ooohfuck.
Please,Adam.”
“You’reaskingsonicely.”Idragmymouthupherthroataspressuresettlesinthebaseofmyspine,myballstightening.Grabbingthebacksofherknees,Ihikeherlegsupagainsthersides,pushingthemwider,plungingasdeepasIcan,untilmynameleaveshermouthonaloudgasp.“FuckingChrist
,IneverthoughtI’dlovehearingmynamesomuch.”
Herheadlollsoverhershoulder,hoodedanddazedeyeshookedonmineasIpummelintoher,savoringthewayshesqueezesaroundmeasshefightsforair.
“Holdon,”Idemand,asmyorgasmbarrelsdownmyspine.
Sheshakesherhead,squeezingmetighter.
“Holdthefuckon,Rosie.”
“I-I…Ican’t.Ohfuck
,Adam.OhGodPlease
.”Sheliftsherhips,andwhenIpoundintoher,sheexplodesaroundme,cryingoutmyname,dragginghersfrommythroatasIemptymyselfinsideher,mypalmslammingagainstthewall.
“Fuck
,Rosie.”
Herheavingbodygoeslimpinmyarms,andIstruggleforairasIgrindownatherdampface,kissingherswollenlips.
Fiveminuteslater,whenwe’redressedandthechangeroomis…well,it’sascleanasonewouldreasonablyexpect,weexitthechangeroom.
Allfivesalesassociates,ahandfulofwomen,andmybuddy,who’sstillsittinginthechairunderamountainofclothes,stareatus,speechlessandslackjawed.
Iholdupthehangerwiththeshreddeddress.“We’lltaketwo,please.”CHAPTER37
HOWTHEGRINCHSTOLECHRISTMAS
ROSIE
“I’m
scaredtoleaveyouwiththem.”
Cararollshereyes,sippinghershimmeryredcocktail.“Saythatonemoretime,Adam,andI’llgiveyousomethingtobescaredabout.”
“YoukeepsayingthatlikeRosie’snotalreadyoneofus,”Jennieadds.
“Shejoinedthebookclub.She’sofficiallyinfiltratedthegroup.There’snoturningbacknow.”OliviaslapsCarter’shandunderthetableandholdsupherbutterknife.“Carter,IsweartoGod,ifyoutrytoslipyourhandundermydressonemoretime,I’mgoingtosawitoff.We’reatafundraiserforkids,forfuck’ssake.”
Carterpouts.I’velearnednoonedoesitquitelikehim,exceptmaybehissister.SomethingaboutthoseBeckettdimples,maybe.“Yeah,buttherearenokidshere,andyourlegskeeppeekingoutofthatslit.”
Garretttossesbackhiswater.“Yeah,Carter.Takehertothebathroominstead.JennieandIhavealreadybeen.”
“Youmotherfucker,”Carterseethes,launchinghimselfacrossOlivia,abattleofslapsiesensuingbetweenthetwoadultmen,orovergrownchildren,whicheveryouprefer.
“Sister
fucker,”Jaxoncorrects,andEmmetthigh-fiveshim.
Adamstands,foldinghisnapkinandplacingitonthetable.“Yeah,see,thisisexactlywhatImean.”
“Rosiecanholdherown,”Cartersays
Emmetttosseshisarmovermyshoulder.“We’regonnatellRosiehowyougotyournicknameWoody.”
Adam’seyeswiden.“No.”
“IthoughtitwasbecausehislastnameisLockwood?”
“TheycaughtAdamjerkingoffonhisfirstroadtripinhishotelroom,”Jaxontellsme.
AdamshovesafingerinJaxon’sface.“Youweren’teventhere,twat-waffle!”
Thetablegoessilent,andthenpromptlyexplodeswithlaughter.
Cartermakesaclawwithhishand.“Rawr.”
“Ilovegettinghimriledup,”Garrettsays.
Ichuckle,grabbingafistfulofAdam’scrispwhitebutton-up,tugginghimdowntome.“I’llbefine.Iknowexactlywhothesepeopleare,andIchoosetolovethem,andyou,anyway.”
“Wasthataninsult?”Carterwhispers.“Itfeltlikeaninsult.”
IpressmylipstoAdam’sastheemceeintroduceshim.“Youlooksohandsome.Iwon’tbeabletotakemyeyesoffyouupthere.”Hegrins,andIpullhimcloser,mylipsathisear.“Thenmaybeyoucantakeme
inthebathroom.”
IswearIhearit,thewayhisheartspeedsup,hisslowswallow.
AmInormallythisbold?Ofcoursenot.
DoIhaveapenchantforsexinsemi-publicplaceswheresomeonecouldpotentiallycatchuseversinceAdamfuckedmesohardmysoulleftmybodyinthatchangeroomlastweek?
…
Yes.
Listen,it’soutofmyhandstonight.ThispartygoesuntilelevensothattheboyscanboardtheirplanetoTampafortyminuteslater.IfIwanthimonemoretime—andIdo—Ihavenochoice.
Ipeckhislipsandsmileupathimashestruggleswiththebuttonsofhissuitjacket,wideeyesbouncingbetweenme,thehallwaythatleadstothebathrooms,andthestagewhereeveryoneiswaitingforhim.
Hewalksaway,andCara’slipstouchmyear.“Iknewyouhadafreakyside.”
Iarchabrow,becauseIknowforafactthatAdamreceivedacallforhelpinhisgroupchatlastweekthatinvolvedsomesortofmix-upwithhandcuffsandlostkeys.Ifthatwasn’tenough,Caraslidintoourgirls’chatfortyminuteslatertoaskOliviaifshelikedwhatshesaw
whensheandCartercametosavetheday.
Carajustsmilesadevioussmile,waggingherbrows,andIrollmyeyes,turningmyfullattentiontoAdamashetakesthestage.
He’salwaysadream,whethercoveredheadtotoeinhockeygear,inahoodieandapairofsweats,nakedandsleep-rumpledinbed,orinnothingbutathinpairofpajamapantshanginglowoffhishipsandmyfavoritefiveo’clockshadowwhilehemakesusFrenchtoastandbaconoverthestove.Buttonight,withhisnormallyunrulycurlstamed,afreshshave,andamidnightbluesuitthatlookslikeitwasmadejustforhim,acrimsontiethatmatchesmydress,he’simmaculate.Apictureofconfidenceandcontrol,someonewhoknowswhathispurposeinlifeisandisproudofeverystephe’staken.
I’mproudofhimtoo.
“Goodevening,everyone,andthankyouforjoiningustonightatthefirstannualTinselandTiesCharityGala.MynameisAdamLockwood,andI—”
“Fuckyeah,Woody!
”
“Takeitoff,baby!
”
“—havethemostsupportiveandinappropriatefriendsintheworld,apparently.”Thecrowdlaughs,andhesmiles.“MostofyouknowmeasthegoaliefortheVancouverVipers,butI’malsotheproudfounderofTheFamilyProject,acharitythatsupportslocalfosteragencieshereinBritishColumbia.Allproceedsgodirectlybackintoourcommunity,andtonightinparticular,we’reraisingmoneytoopenourfirsteversportssummercamp.”Hisgrinissoboyish,soadorableasherubsthebackofhisneck,asweetflushpaintinghischeekbonesatthehootsandcheers.“I’mreallyproud,butmostly,I’mproudofthiscommunity.Noneofthiswouldbepossiblewithouttheamazingpeoplewhocomeoutandsupportuseverytime,whodonatetheirtime—andtheirmoney,thankyousomuch—justtoputasmileonakid’sface.AndwhileIknowhowmuchitmeanstothesekids,Ican’ttellyouhowmuchitmeanstome.BecauseIwasthatkid.”
Adamdropshiseyesforamoment,andwhenhelooksup,theycometome.There’ssomethinginthem,somethingsadandyetsodamngrateful,anditsparksahopeinmeIdidn’tknowIneeded,notrightnow.“Thetruthis,Iwassodamnluckytofindmyforeverfamily.AndifIhadn’tfoundthem,Iwouldn’tbewhereIamnow,withawholecrewofpeopleIcallfamily.”Hegesturesatourtable.“Myteammates,andtheirincrediblewives.Myspectaculargirlfriend,andourbeautifulson.”
Myheartleapstomythroatatthatthree-letteradjectivehe’stossedintheresocasually,likehedoesn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit.Hismouthquirksashewatchesmestartfidgeting,tuggingatmydress,shiftinginmyseat.
“IfIcanhelpevenonechildfindtheloveI’vefound,IknowI’llhavemadeadifference.Thankyou,
folks,forcomingouthereandmakingadifferencetoo.”
Adamheadsthroughhisstandingovation,hishandonthebuttonofhissuitjacketasheapproachesme.Musicstarts,drowningouttheapplause,andhetakesmyhand,pullingmeouttothedancefloor.
“Why’reyoucrying,gorgeous?”heasks,spinningmeoutbeforehaulingmeintohischest.
“I’msoproudofyou.”Isniffle,wipingawaythetears.“Andalso,yousaidour
.YoucalledConnorour
son.AndallI’veeverwantedisforsomeonetolovehimasendlesslyasyoudo.”
“Iwasthinking,maybeonedayinthefuture…”Heclearshisthroat,andI’mthrownbythesuddenshyness,theuncertainty.
“Spititout,Woody.”
Hegrins,andrighthereonthedancefloor,infrontofeveryone,pinchesmyass.“It’sAdamtoyou,andwhenI’minsideyou,Godisalsoacceptable.”Blowingoutalowbreath,hespinsusinaslowcircle.“Iwasthinking,inthefuture,whenwegetmarried—”
“Youhavetoaskmefirst,youknow.”
Henarrowshiseyes.“Ifwemanagetomakeittothebathroom,everyone’sdefinitelygoingtohearmynamecomingoutofthatmouth,trouble.”Hearchesabrow,andwhenIfoldmylipsintomymouth,continues.“WouldmeadoptingConnorbesomethingyoumightwant?Obviously,wewouldtalktohimaboutit,too,andseeifhewantsthat,but—”
Ithrowmyarmsaroundhisneck,hugginghimsotight,andhechuckles.
“Isthatayes?”
“He’dbetheluckiestboyintheworldtobeabletoofficiallycallyouhisdada.”Myhandslipsintohishair,andIpressmylipstohis.“Butyou’vebeenhisdadafromthemomenthelaidhiseyesonyou,Adam.”
Hissoftexhalerollsdownmyneck,andaswemovefromonesongrightintothenextwhereherefusestoletgo,Ican’tgetmymindoffalittlebrown-eyedgirlwhostolemyheartonapairofskates.
“Haveyoueverthoughtoffosteringanyofthekidsfromthehome?Or…adopting?”
Hishandglidesslowlyupmyback.“It’ssomethingthat’salwaysbeenonmymind,tobehonestwithyou.”
“Really?Howcomeyou’veneveraskedmeifit’ssomethingIwant?”Becausetruthfully,untilrecently,thethoughtofeversteppingfootintoafosterhomeagainmademesicktomystomach.I’vewantedtoleaveallthoseyearsinmypast,butnowallIcanthinkaboutisgivingsomeonethechildhoodIwishedIhad.ThefamilyIlost,andtheoneI’vefoundnow.
Adambrusheshisthumboverthedimpleinmychin.“Becausenoneofthosethingsaredealbreakerstome,Rosie.Therearesomanywaysforustogivebacktothiscommunity.Itdoesn’thavetobebyfosteroradoptionifitisn’tsomethingthatfitsourfamily.Ialsorecognizehowdifferentourexperienceswerewithinfostercare,andyou’restillsortingthroughthoseemotions.ThelastthingI’lleverdoisputpressureonyou.”
Hishandgoestomyhair,driftingacrossthejeweledbarrette,twirlingawaywardlockaroundhisfingersbeforehetucksitbehindmyear.“Howwemakeafamilydoesn’tmattertome.Whetherweopenourhometokidswhowereborntosomeoneelse,whetherwemakefivebabiesorConnorisouroneandonly,andheandBearconvinceustobuyafarm
Withmycheekonhischest,Ibreatheinthecomfort,thesecurity,thewayhelovesmesocompletely,withoutconditions.“Thankyou.”
“Forwhat?”
“Forbeingyou.Fornotmakingmefeelpressuredeitherway.ForeverythingyoudothatmakesthisworldabetterplaceforkidslikeConnorandLily.Forkidsliketwelve-year-oldme,whohopedonedaythey’dfindsomeonewhocaredasmuchasyoudo.”Itakehisfaceinmyhands.“You’reagoodman,AdamLockwood.Iloveyou.”
“Youdo,huh?Howmuch?”
Iarchabrow.“Whatdoyouwant?”
Hegrins,shrugging.“BeenthinkingaboutwhatCartersaidafewweeksago,atyourbirthday.”
“Hesaysalotofthings.Infact,healmostneverstopstalking.”
Adamchuckles.“AboutyouandConnormovinginafteryougraduate.”
Mypulsespikes.“Oh.Don’tworryaboutthat.”
“I’mnot.”
“Cool.”Myheadbobs.“Yeah,meneither.”Itrytobackup,puttheteensiestamountofspacebetweenussohecan’thearthewaymyheartrattlesagainstmyribcage,buthispalmspressagainstmyback,pullingmerightbackinuntilIbounceoffhischest.
“Connor’sroomisalreadymadeup,andyoudon’thavemuchstuffatyourplacewithArchie.Shouldbeaquick,painlessmove.”
Myjawdrops,andAdamsmirks,twofingersonmychintoclosemymouth.
“You’renotsurprised,areyou?YouheardCartersayIwasobsessedwithyou,right?”
“Imean,it’snotasifIhaven’tthought,youknow,‘Howcoolwouldthatbe,ifeverythingwasstillperfectinthespring,andAdammaybewantedustostayforever,and—
’”
“Iwantyoutostayforever,Rosie.Iwasthinkingwecouldstarttheyearoffinourhouse,together.”
“Theyear?Like-like-like…thenewyear?Intwoweeks,thatnewyear?”
“Theveryone.”
“But-but-but—”Jesus,Rosie.
“That’ssosoon.”
“Respectfully,Idon’tgiveafuckhowsoonitis.WhyshouldIwaitonsomethingthatbringsmesomuchhappiness?”Hecupsmycheek,guidingmygazetohis.“Ifit’snotsomethingyou’rereadyfor,andyoufeellikeit’stoofast,that’sokay.Communicatethatwithme,andI’llbackoff.”Hedipshishead,nuzzlingmyneck.“Butifyou’reonthefenceandopentopersuasion,Icantakeyoutothebathroomandshowyouwhatwecoulddoeverysinglemorningonourbathroomcounter.”
“Mmm…”Iswayintohimashekisseshiswayupmyneck.“WhatifIwanttopaintourbedroompink?”
“Done.”
IthinkabouthisSUV,theoneI’vebeendrivingtoandfromschoolsinceIgotmylicense.“AndifIhitacurbwithyourcar?Oh,or
whatifIbackedintoyourtruckwith
yourcar?Huh?Whatthen?”
Hedropshishead,pressinghisquiet,rumblylaughagainstmyshoulder.“DoyouwanttohearhowthefirstthingI’llaskiswhetheryou’reokay?Andthentellyouthatit’sokay,they’rejustcars?OrdoyouwantmetotellyouhowI’llbendyouoverthehoodofitlaterthatnight,whenthehouseisquiet,andpretendI’mfurious?BecauseI’lldoboth,Rosie.”
Soundsgreat.Okay,Rosie,let’slevelthisbadboyup.
“WhatifIhaveacreepyceramicdollcollectionIhaven’ttoldyouaboutandIwanttodisplaythemforeveryonetosee?”
“ThenI’llbuildyouafuckingshelfforyourcreepydollssotheireyescanfollowmeeverywhereIgoinourhouse,solongasit’sour
house.Justmoveinwithme,please
.”
“Geez,”Imumble,hidingmysmileagainsthisshoulder.“Noneedtobeg.Iwasgonnasayyes.”
“Fuckingtroublemaker,”hemurmursagainstmylips,thenglancesathiswatch.“We’vestillgotoveranhourbeforeIneedtobeonthatplane.HowmanytimesdoyouthinkIcanmakeyoucomeinthatbathroombeforethen?”
“Gross,”Carterwhispers,killingthemomentasheappearsbesideus.“Yourbathroomorgasmsneedtowait.TheDJ’sabouttoputoursongon.”
“Oursong?What—”Adam’sbrowspulldown,hismouthsetinagrimlineasthe“Cha-ChaSlide”startsspillingfromthespeakers.Theboysgatheraroundhim,clappingtheirhandstothebeat,andAdamtriestohangontomelikeJacktriedtohangontothatdoor.There’snotenoughroomforhimonmydoor,though,andthisTitanicissinking,soIsmileathimasIlethimgo.
“Mybraingenuinelycan’tcomprehendwhyIfindthisbothutterlymortifyingandyetsuchafuckingturn-on,”Oliviawhispersasshepullsmetosafety.
“Oh,Iloveit.”Caratracestheshapeofherlipswithherpointerfingerasshewatchesherhusbanddance.“Emmettsometimesputsitonwhilehe’scleaning.There’snothinglikewatchingyourmancha-charealsmoothwithaDysoninhishand.”
“IlovewhenGarrettshakeshisass,”Jennietellsusonasigh.“He’ssuchabaddancer,anditmakeshimahundredtimesmorelovable.”
“Adam’sbeenteachingConnorhowtodotheMacarena.ConnorcallsittheMacaroni,sonoweverytimeAdamputshishandsonhisassandjumps,hesings,‘Heeey,Macaroni
!’It’sthemostattractivethingever
,andIjumpedonhimassoonasConnorwentdownforhisnapthisafternoon.”
“Thatmanwasmadetobeadad,”Carasays,nodding.
Thesongcomestoanend,andtheboysbowtotheircheeringcrowdbeforetheystartamblingover.
“Who’sgotfirstdibsontheprivatebathroom?”Caraasks.“BecauseI—”Hereyeswiden,andherfacegoesavolcanicshadeofredashergazenarrowsonsomethingovermyshoulder.“Imusthavediedandgonetohell,becauseIknowSatan’swhoredidn’treallyjustrisefromtheashesandwalkthefuckinhere.”
Adam’seasygrinslips,andtheblooddrainsfromhisface.Hegripsmyhand,pullingmebehindhim,andIgriphissuitjacketasIpeekaroundhim,atwhateveriscausingthecommotion.
Astunningredheadstridestowardusinsky-highstilettosandafurjacket.It’snotuntilshestopsbeforeusandslipsitoff,showingustheglitteryroyalbluedressbelow,doInoticethatsheisreallyfuckingpregnant.
Alowgaspfillstheroom,andCaramutterssomethingaboutthespawnofSatan
Theredheadsmirksather,crossingherarmsoverherchest.“Charmingasalways,Cara.”Devastatinglybeautifulandequallyevilblueeyesmoveovermewithdisdain,andmystomachsomersaultsasAdamtucksmetighteragainsthim.
“Whatdoyouwant,Courtney?”
“Oh,that’ssimple.”Shetossesherfieryredlocksoverhershoulder.“Iwantyoutostepupandbeafathertothebabyyouputinsideme.”
ADAM
“Whatthefuckdidyoujustsay?”
Islamthedoorbehindus,thecold,freshairdoingnothingtosoothethefiretorchingmyinsides.Rosie’stuckedintoOlivia’sside,hergazesolostasitmovesbetweenCourtney’sbellyandme.
Ifeellikemygoddamnheadisgoingtoexplode.
“I’mpregnant,”Courtneysays.
Isnort.“Clearly.”
“Thebabyisyours,Adam.Andifyou’dhadpickedupthephoneanyofthehundredtimesItriedcallingyou,orshoweduptothemeetingyousetupwithme,you’dknowthat.”
“Absolutelyfuckingnot.Wehaven’tslepttogetherinayearandahalf.”
Shescoffs,rollinghereyes.“Soyou’rejustgoingtopretendthatnightatyourplacedidn’thappen?InJuly,whenyouhadthatparty?”
“What
?Ididn’ttouchyou!Idon’tevenrememberyoubeingthere!”MygazeflickstoRosie,andIseethewayshe’sbacktracking,addingupdatesinherhead,andIfuckingpanic.
“Rosie,Ihaven’tsomuchaslooked
atanotherwomansinceyoucameintomylife,Iswearit.”
“Thisisdisgusting,”Courtneyspits.“Ifiguredyouregretteditwhenyouwokeupthenextmorningandtriedtoplayitofflikenothinghappened,whenyoukickedmeoutofwhatusedtobeour
house.ButIcan’tbelieveyou,AdamLockwood,goldenboy,wouldreallyactlikeyouhadnothingtodowiththis.YoufoundmeinnothingbutyourT-shirt,forfuck’ssake.”
“Thatdoesn’tmeanshit.”It’snotmewhosaysit,butCarter.“Everyoneknowsyou’renothingbutaconniving,vindictiveoldshrew.Allyoueverdoistrytobreakeverythinggoodbecauseyoulostthebestthingyou’lleverhave.You’relying.”
“Thenwhatthefuckisthis?”Courtneyshovesherphoneinhisface,inRosie’sbeforeIyankitfromherhand.“PrettydamningevidencewhosebedIsleptinthatnight.”
Thephotoisme,passedoutinmybed.Nexttome?Courtney,innothingbutmyT-shirt.
Ishakemyhead,searchingmybrain.Likeitwasthatmorning,it’sfoggyashell.“Ihadtoomuchtodrink.Idid…Ididthosekegstands.”IlooktoJaxon,pleadingforanswers,buthejustshakeshishead,hiseyessadforme,likehewisheshecouldhelp.
“Itoldyouthatmorning,dude.Youranoutofthepoolwhenyousawhercomein,andIneversawyouagain.”
Itugatmyhair.“Idon’tremember.”
Courtneystepsforward,onehandonherbelly,theotheronmyarm.“Wecanbeafamilyagain,Adam.”
Ijerkawayfromhertouch.“Ihaveafamily.”
“Areal
family.You’vebeenplayinghousewiththatgirlforlongenough,don’tyouthink?”
“Don’tfuckingtalkabouther,”Igrowllowly,loomingoverCourtney.
“Thisisourson.Ours
,Adam.Theoneyoualwayswanted.Theonewedreamedabouthavingtogether.”
Mystomachroils,andIplaceahandoverit.“Ababywon’tchangeanythingbetweenus.AndIhavethesonIalwaysdreamedofhaving.”
“Thisrich,martyrstepdaddyactisgettingold,Adam.”ShespinstoRosie,ahuffoflaughterescapinghernose.“Wow,talkaboutgettinglucky,huh?Youmustbethrilledthatyourwoeisme
sweetlittlesinglemamaactworked.Youthinkyou’resetforlifenow,huh?”
“Enough
,”Iroar,bloodthunderinginmyears,myhearthammering.“Don’tfuckingspeaktoher.Don’tevenlook
ather.You’resogoddamnbeneathher,shecan’tevenfuckingseeyou.”
Rosierushestomyside,tuckinghershakinghandinmine,placingherotherhandovermyheavingchest.“Thisconversationisover,”shetellsCourtney.“Youshouldn’thavecomeheretonight.”
“Don’tyoudaretalktomelikethat,youbitch.”
“No,”Caragrowls,steppingbetweenRosieandCourtney.“Don’tyou
daretalktoher
likethat.Infact,lifewouldbeimmenselybetterforeveryoneifyoujust.ShutUp.
”Sheswingsherhipout,pinningherarmsoverherchest.“Youshouldbeashamedofyourselfforruiningsuchaspecialnightforfiveminutesoffame.Likethewomantoldyou,thisconversationisover.Nowget.Thefuck.Out
.”
“You’reabitch,”Courtneyspitsout
“Proudofit,babe.”Carawigglesherfingersatherasshestormsdownthestreet.“Enjoyyourtripbacktothefierydepthsofhell.”
Asluckwouldhaveit,ourteambuspullsupoutfrontatthismoment,andthedoorsopenastherestoftheteamfiltersoutside.
Coachraiseshisbrowsatme.“Everythinggoodhere?”
No
“Allgood,Coach,”Carterreplies,hisgriponmyshouldershaky.
“Allright.Everyoneonthebus.Wheelsupinforty.”
“Rosie,Iswear—”
Shesilencesmyfranticwordswithhermouthonmine,hertremblingfingerspressingintomyjawashersoftlipsmovewithpurpose.Whenshepullsback,it’sthequiverinherchinthatbreaksme,thewayhergazewobblesasshestaresupatme.“We’ll…we’llfigurethisout,Adam.Okay?”
Iclimbonthebusandwatchmypink-hairedworldslowlyfadefromview,andIcan’thelpthethoughtsthatclawtheirwayin,settingupshopinsidemybrain.
Willwefigurethisout?CHAPTER38
TOOPRETTYTOFIGHT
ADAM
I’manemotionalhockeyplayer.
Ithinkitcomeswiththeterritoryofbeingagoalie.Lossesarehard,andI’vealwaysfoundithardnottolayblameonmyshoulders.Evenworse,whensomething’sgoingoninmypersonallife—like,say,findingmylong-termgirlfriendridinghersidepieceinourbed—itdistractsme.Mythoughtsareelsewhere,andsometimesthatleadstocarelessmistakes.
Nottonight,though.BecausetonightI’mnotbroken.
I’mfuckingfurious.
Tampa’sleft-wingerracesdowntheboards,aroundourexhausteddefenseman.Jaxontookacarelesspenaltyaminuteago—theresultofsomeonechirpinginhisear—sowe’redownoneman,andI’vebeenthrowingmyselfalloverthisnettostopthecountlessshots.
Tampa’scaptainsoarsacrosstheblueline,intoourdefensivezone,callingforthepuck.Thewingersendsitacross,rightthroughthelegsofmydefenseman,andthecaptainwindsup,firingthepuckatmeatlightningspeed.Idivetotheright,myglovecominguprightontimetocatchthepuckbeforeitcanhitthebackofmynet.Thewhistleblows,Idropthepuckintheref’shand,andgrabadrinkofwaterasourlineschange.
“Jesusfuck,”Cartermutters,clappingahandtomyheadashecirclesmycrease.
“You’renotlettingasinglethingbyyoutonight.”
“Nope.”
Hegivesmeanassessingonce-over.“Youokay?”
“Nope.”
Ihaven’tseenRosieinforty-eighthours,andasidefromacoupletexts,wehaven’thadthechancetotalk.Sheworkedalldayyesterday,hadtwelvehoursofclinicaltoday,andshe’sbeendrivingherselfupthewallstudyingfortheNAVLE,herveterinarianlicensingexaminJanuary.
AsIlookaroundthisarena,allIseearewaysI’veaddedtoherstress.
WheredoIsendmyapplicationforbabymama#3?
I’llletyoushoot’n’score&Iwon’taskformore!
I’lltake2minutesforhookingifit’swithWoody!
Jesusfuck,wholetsthesegirlsinherewiththosesigns?Forthefirsttimethisseason,IhopeRosieisn’twatching.
Carterfollowsmygaze.“Sheknowsbetterthantoputanystockinthosesigns.”
“Doesn’tmeantheywon’tmakethisharderonher.”
Itossmywaterbottlebackinmynet,gettingintopositionattheedgeofmycreaseaseveryonelinesupforface-off.Thewhistleblowsandthepuckdrops,andIslideleftandrightastheplaymovesaroundourendoftheice.Theshit-disturbercentermantryingtoblockmyviewofthepuckispissingmethefuckoff,soIslipforwardandshovehimoutofmyway.
“Getthefuckoutofmynet,Marchanbo.”
“Feelingtestytonight,Lockwood?”Darkeyesflicktothewomenslappingtheglass,shovingtheirsignsagainstit.“Ithoughtyouletjustanyonescorethesedays.”
Itrackthepuckasitpassesbetweenplayers,aroundthebackofmynet,asGarrettpinssomeoneagainsttheboards,tryingtodigitfree.
“That’swhyyou’vegottwobabymamas,right?”Heglidesinfrontofme,andIshovehimoutofthewayasJaxon’spenaltyendsandhejumpsoutofthebox.“Howmanymoredoyouthinkareoutthere?Ibetwomenhavebeenpokingholesincondomsforyears,tryingtogetapieceofthegoldenboy.”
“Fuckoff.”
“Iliketheonewithpinkhair.Seemsspunky.Andthatass?Oof
.Lovemesomethingtograbonto.”
IchuckmystickandglovestothegroundasIgetinhisface.TheplayaroundusskidstoahaltwhenIgrabhimbythecollar.“Youshutyourgoddamnmouth.”
“ThinkherkidwillcallmeDaddy?”
MyfistrearsbackbeforeIhurlitforward,alotlikeIdidthelasttimewesawBrandon,whenhemadesureRosieknewhowdisposablesheandConnorweretohim.Becausehere’sthething:everyonethinksI’msomesortofgoldenboy,thatI’mdocileandsweetallthetime.ButthesecondyouopenyourmouthandinsultthetwopeopleIlovemorethananythinginthisworld,you’regonnaseeawholenewsidetome,onethat’sanythingbutdocile.
Marchanbowipesthebloodfromhiscrackedlip,chucklingunderhisbreath,asoundIbarelyhearovertheroarofacrowdwholovestoseefistsfly.“Guessyou’renotallthatgolden,”hemurmurs,rightbeforehelauncheshimselfatme,tearingoffmyhelmet.
Icatchhisfistinmyhandbeforeitcanconnectwithmyjaw.RightbeforeIletmineflyagain,anotherbodycollideswithMarchanboatfullspeed,crushinghimintotheboards.
Jaxon’schestheavesasMarchanboslumpstotheiceathisfeet.“Don’ttouchmyfuckinggoalie.”Hetossesmymaskatmychest.“Here.Yourfaceistooprettyforblackeyes.”
***
ItfeelslikeIhavethemanyway,twoblackeyes.Everythinghurts,athrobbingachebehindmyeyesandinmytemplesthathintsattheexhaustionrunningrampantthroughme,draggingmetowardthegroundasIheadbacktomyhotelroom.AllIwanttodoisburymysorrowsinabucketofbeerandaplatterofdeep-friedpickles,thencollapseinmyhotelroomwithRosie’sfacesmilingbackatmefromtheothersideofmyphone.ButIdon’thaveanyofthosethings.
IstaredownatthelasttwomessagesfromRosieasIkickmyshoesoffinsidemyroom.Oneispregame,ConnorinhisViperspajamas.Theotherishalfwaythroughthethirdperiod,rightaroundthetimeIclockedMarchanbointheface,andsherepeatsJaxon’swordsbacktome.
Trouble
HaveIevertoldyouyourfaceistooprettyforblackeyes?Yourfaceistooprettyforblackeyes,Adam.
I’vereaditatleasttwentytimesnow.It’sabouttheonlythingthat’sputasmileonmyfacetoday.
Thetruthis,Idon’tknowhowtofaceRosie,andit’skillingme.I’mafraidofwhatImightseereflectedbackinthosepoolsofsage.Iknowthesameoldkindnesswillbethere,andallthatlove.Butit’sthehesitation,thedisappointmentthatmightovershadoweverythingsointrinsicallyRosie…thosearethethingsthatwillgutme.
Idon’tgiveafuckaboutmyreputation.Notthatthemediaistwistingmywordsfrommyspeechatthegala,whereIcalledConnorour
son,andguessingthathe’sbiologicallymine.NotthatCourtney’sgivingthemherbestsobstory,thatitwasn’therthatdidthecheatinginourrelationship,butme
.Thatshefoundoutaboutmymistress
whenshecaughtmevisitingRosieandConnorinthehospital,justhoursafterhewasborn.Allofit,aloadoffuckingshitthatpaintsmeintheworstlight,andIdon’tgiveaflyingfuck.
Idon’tgiveafuckaboutmyreputation,butIgivealotoffucksaboutRosie’s.
Homewrecker.That’swhatthey’recallingher.It’soneveryVipers’fanpage,herpictureandConnor’sassheloadshimintothebackofmySUVatthedamngrocerystore.AndIdidthistoher.
It’sbecauseofme.
Shestuckwithmethroughonemess;howcanIaskhertostickwithmethroughasecond,thisonewaymessierthanthefirst?
Myheadwhipsupasthedooropensbehindme,myfriendsstrollinginmid-conversation,armsfilledwithbags.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?Ithoughtyouweregoingtothebar?”
Carterunloadspilesoftake-outcontainers.“Yousaidyouweren’tinthemood,sowe’restayinginwithyou.”Hehandsmeamountainofdeep-friedpickles.“Youhavetostoplookinglikethat.”
“Likewhat?”
GarrettdropsaboxofFruitRoll-Upsontopofmypickles.“Likethisentireshitstormisyourfault.”
“Itis,”Isaysimply.
Cartershakeshishead.“Youknow,thisfeelsentirelytooreminiscentofthatnightyoucamehometoCourtneycheating.Backthen,youwonderedifitwasyourfault.Ifyoucould’velovedherbetter,givenhermoreofwhatsheneeded.Butit’sthesamestorynowasitwasthen.Youcouldn’thavepreventedthis.Whetheryouansweredherphonecallsorwenttothatmeeting.Shewantssomethingfromyou,whetherit’sadadforhersonormoneytosupportherself.”
Jaxoncracksthetopoffabeerandhandsittome.“Shewantsboth,andshethinksyou’reniceenoughtoacceptyourfatewithoutquestioningit.”
Emmetttakesmytreatsandsetsthemonthesmalltableinthecorner.Ishakemyhead,squeezingitbetweenmyhandsasIsinktothechairthere.
“That’snotmybaby.Nofuckingway.IknowIwasdrunk.IknowIdon’thavethebestmemoryofsomepiecesofthenight,but…there’snowayIwouldsleepwithher.There’snothingshecouldeversaythatwouldmakemesecond-guessourrelationshipstatus,nomatterhowmanydrinksIhad.”
Honestly,itmakesmesicktomystomachtothinkthatshewasinmybedatsomepointthatnight,evenifitwasonlytotakeapicture.
Myphonerings,mypublicist,Angie,ontheotherline.IacceptthecallandputitonspeakerasItearopentheboxofFruitRoll-Upsandpeeloneapart.“Anynews?”Iclosemyeyes,pressmyfingersagainsttheheadachepoundingthereasIwadtheFruitRoll-Upintoaballandtossitinmymouth.“Sorry.Hi.Howareyou?”
Shechuckles.“There’snoroomforpleasantriesrightnow;Igetit.ImadeafakeInstagramaccountandfollowedCourtney.Lookslikeshe’sbeenseeingthesameguyoffandonsinceyoutwosplit.ButtherearenopicturesofthemtogetherafterJune.”
Ittakesamomentforthewordstosinkin,butwhentheydo,hopesparksinmychest.
“Ithinkshewasalreadypregnantatyourparty,Adam.Mybestguessisthisguybailedonherwhenshetoldhim,soshecametoyourpartyhopingyou’dsleepwithher.”
“Soshecouldpretenditwasmine.”
“Bingo.”
Cartershakeshisheadanddropsanentiresliceofpizzainhismouth.“IsawthisonMauryonce.”
“That’sliterally
whatMaury’sabout,”Emmetttellshim.
“Yeah,”Garrettwhispers.“Keepup,youdonkey.”
“Shutup,”Carterwhispersback,andIslaphishandawaywhenhereachesforoneofmyFruitRoll-Ups.
“WhatshouldIdo?”
“Guessyoujustgottawaitanddoapaternitytestwhenthebabyisborn,”Emmettsuggests.
“Noway.”Jaxonjabsatthetable.“Demandthatshitnow.Thereareteststheycandobefore.”
“Idon’tevenwanttoknowwhy
youknowthat,Jaxon,”Angiesayswithasigh.“Theboysareright,though,Adam.Youhavetwooptions.Youcanseehowmuchmoneyshewantstogoaway,or—”
“Fuckthat.”Sure,Icanaffordtopayheroff,butIhaveathousandbetterwaystospendthatmoney.ThesummercampI’mopeningnextyear,Connor’seducation,agardenfullofpeoniesinthebackyard,andanengagementringthatRosieneverwantstotakeoffherfinger,tonameafew.“She’snotgettingacent.”
“Or
,”Angiecontinues,“yourequestapaternitytest.Thisallgoesawayoneoranother.Iknowitfeelssomuchmorecomplicatedthanthis,butreally,it’sthatsimple.”
She’srightaboutonething:nothingaboutthisfeelssimple.It’sagameofwaiting,andI’vedoneenoughwaitinginmylife.
LifestartedthemomentRosieandConnorwalkedintoit,andallIwanttodoisdiveheadfirstintotherestofit.Ishould’veneverbeenputinapositionwhereIhadtoforgethowtolovemyself,howtobeproudofeverythingthatmakesmewhoIam,butittookfindingthem,lettingthemloveme,torememberhow.
AndIwon’tletCourtneystealthatfrommealloveragain.
“What’shedoing?”Garrettwhispers.
“Idon’tknow,”Jaxonmurmurs.“That’s,like,hisfifthFruitRoll-Up.”
“Idon’tthinkheevenrealizeshe’sbeeneatingthemthisentiretime,”Emmettadds.
“I’mworriedabouthim,”Cartersaysquietly.“He’snotevendoingthetonguetattoos.He’sjust…eatingthemwhole.”
Istickmyhandinthebox,frowningwhenIcomeupempty.“Didyougetmemorethanonebox?”
Withoutbreakingeyecontact,Garrettslowlyslidesanotherboxacrossthetable.“So,hey,bigguy,wewerethinking—”
“Emmett,getCaraonthephone.Ineedheradvice.”
Heleapsfromhisseat,dashingacrosstheroomtograbhisphone.“She’sbeenpreparingforthisherentirelife.”
***
It’snearlyonea.m.whenI’mwalkingupmydrivewaytwodayslater,desperatetocrawlintobedafterourroadtrip.It’sbeentoomanydaysofmissedcalls,picturessentfromdifferenttimezones,andoveranalyzingtonelesstextmessages.
ImissRosiesogoddamnmuch,myalarmisalreadysetforsixa.m.soIcandrivemyselftoStarbucks,filluponeverythingthatmakesherwarmandsmiley,andshowupatherdoorbeforeshetakesherselftoschool.Ifitwasn’tthemiddleofthenight,I’dbeatherdoorrightnow,beggingtocomein.
Ifiddlewithmykeysatthefrontdoor,pausingwhentheporchlightflickson.Thedooropens,andRosiestandsthereinnothingbutmyT-shirtandmythickestsocks,andJesusfuck,I’veneverbeensohappytoseepink.
“You’rehere.”
“WhereelsewouldIbe?”
Mystomachdips,theweightonmyshoulderseasing.“You’renotgoinganywhere?”
“Whywouldwedothat?ConnorandIwereafamilybeforewefoundyou,sure,butnow…”Sheshakesherhead,eyesshutteringatthethoughtofafutureshedoesn’twant,thesameoneIdon’twant:onewithouteachother.“Somethingwouldalwaysbemissingwithoutyou,Adam.”
Shetakesmyhands,pullingmeintothewarmthofthehouse,thewarmthradiatingoffher.Gentlefingersbrushmycurlsoffmyforehead,andatendersmiletouchesherlips.
“Wedon’tonlychooseyouwhenit’sconvenientandeasyandhappy.Wechooseyouthroughallthehard,challengingmomentsinbetween.That’showfamiliesloveeachother,Adam.AndConnorandme?We’llalwaysbebyyourside.”
Sheswipesatthelonetearrunningdownmycheekbeforepressingherlipstomine.
“There’snobetterviewthanrightherebesideyou.”CHAPTER39
ATEANDLEFTNOCRUMBS
ROSIE
Fourdaysisfartoo
longtobeapartwhenwhatweneedmorethananythingiseachother.It’sfartoomuchtimeforoverthinking,forcatastrophizing,thethingsInormallydobest.It’stimeIdidn’tneedtofigureouthowtohandlethissituation,becauseI’veknownfromthemomentthosewordsleftCourtney’smouth.
AllIcando,allIwould
do,isstandbyAdam’sside.
Butthesurpriseheworewhenhefoundmewaitingforhim,somethingaboutitbrokeme.I’vespentsomuchofmylifebelievingIwasn’tenough.ThatifIwasbetter,somebodywouldchooseme,givemetheloveIsodesperatelywanted.Adam’sspentmonthsbuildingmeup,helpingmerealizeitwasneveraboutme.ThatI’dalwaysbeenoughfortherightpeople.Butatonea.m.,theterrifiedlookinhiseyestoldmehewasn’tsosurehe
wasenough.
Andnow,I’mdedicatingtherestofmylifetomakingsurethismannexttomeneverquestionshisworthagain.
Ilookupattheboutiquecoffeeandpastryshopandswallowmyannoyance.OfcourseCourtneyrequestedAdammeetherattheiroldfavoritedatespot.Adamlooksjustasannoyedbesideme,withasideofnauseousashegripsthemanilaenvelopeinhishand.
Hehatesthatit’scometothis.Aftereverythingthiswomanhasputhimthrough,thiskindmanIgettocallminewouldrathershejustseeherselfoutofhislifesilently.
“Wedon’thavetodothis,”Iremindhimgently.“Ifit’snotwhatyouwant,Adam,wecanwaituntilthebabyisbornandrequestapaternitytest.Wecanwaitthisoutquietly.”
Heshakeshishead,andtheenvelopescrunchesbeneathhistighteninggrip.“ShelosttherighttoquietwhenshebroughtyouandConnorintothis.I’vetoleratedalotofherbullshit,butIrefusetotoleratethat.”Hetakesmyhandinhis,squeezingashiseyescometomine.“Iloveyou,Rosie.Thankyouforstandingbyme.”
Ihopeonedayhe’llunderstandthatthereisnootherplaceformeandConnorthanathisside.
AllI’veeverdonewithloveisloseit.
ButIwon’tlosethis.NotAdam,notthislifewe’rebuildingtogether.
Irefuse.
Thebelloverthedoorjinglesaswewalkin,andheadsrise,eyesbulgingwhentheyseetheirveryownAdamLockwood
“Adam.”Courtneystands,awidegrinstretchingacrosshercheeks.Evenafteralltheuglythingsshe’sdone,she’sstillpainfullybeautiful.Somuchso,thatforthebriefestmoment,aseedofinsecurityblooms.
AndthenAdamsqueezesmyhand,andIburythatseedsodeep,refusingtogiveitrootstogrow.
Courtney’sbrightblueeyesdimwhentheyspotme,herjawsettinginaharshlineasweapproachtheintimateboothshepickedinthebackcorner.Itslocationdoesnothingtostopallthewanderinggazesfromfollowingus.“Ithoughtitwouldbejustthetwoofus.”
“It’sfittingthat,ifI’mtalkingabouttheprospectofexpandingmyfamily,mycurrentfamilyispresent,no?”
Shecrossesherarmsoverherchest.“I’mnotsittingwithher.”
“You’reright;she’snotsitting.”Hedropstheenvelopeonthetableinfrontofher.“Wearen’tstaying.”
“Whatisthis?”
“Aletterfrommylawyer.He’ssendingyouoneviaemailtoo.Itshouldbeinyourmailboxin…”Hecheckshiswatch.“Twominutesago.”Thenhesmilesather,sadisticanddevastatinglyhandsome.“Selfishly,Ihadtoseeyourreactioninperson.”
There’saslighttremorinherhandsthatshetriestohideassheopenstheenvelope,pullsouttheletter.Hereyesmoveoverthewords,andanyhintofconfidenceshewasmanagingtoholdontoslipsfromherface,droopsinhershoulders.
“You’resuingme?”
“Fortwo-point-fivemillion,”heconfirms,pointingoutaspotonthedocument.
“Butyou-you…youcan’tdothat.”
“Ican,actually.Yourbullshitsobstorieshaveaccomplishednothingbutharmmyreputation.Imight’veletitgo,butthenyoudraggedpeopleIloveintoit.Youknow,Ireallycan’tcomprehendhowyouthoughtdraggingmynamethroughthemudwasthebestwaytogettome,butthenagain,youhaven’talwaysmadethebestdecisions.”
“Ican’taffordthat,”shesplutters.“Idon’thavethatkindofmoney.I’mhavingababy!”Hergazeflickstome,lightingwithfire,jealousyforsomethingshegaveup.“Whatkindoftoxicbullshitissheplantinginyourhead?Youwouldturnawayyourownfleshandbloodandthemotherofyourchildforsomebitchandheroffspring?Thekid’sdaddidn’twanthim,andhedidn’twanthereither.”
Onemoment,Adamissolidandsteadybesideme,myhandtuckedwarmlyinsidehis.Thenext,he’sloomingoverCourtney,anenergysoferalitmakesthehaironthebackofmyneckrise.
“Keephernameoutofyourfuckingmouth,”hewhispers,thewordssolethal,tingedwithvenom,Courtneyfumblesbackward,herhandatherthroat.“Thisisn’tagoddamngameanymore,Courtney.Youcan’tplaywithpeople’sliveslikethey’reyourstomanipulate.I’mtiredofbeingyourfuckingchesspiece.”
Istepforward,layingmyhandgentlyonhisback,watchinghisshouldersdrop,hisheavingchestdeflatingashisbreathslowstosteady.
Courtneywatchestheexchange,andIseeitinhereyes,thedesperationforthistowork,theknowledgethatit’snot,thatshe’swatchinghersopoorlythought-outplanslipbetweenherfingers,falltopiecesatherfeet.Andinallherdespair,shegivesitonelastgo,throwingherselfatAdam,grippinghiscoatinhertightfists.“Please,Adam.Please.
Youcan’tdothistome.Youcan’t.Thisisourchance.Wecanbeafamily.Areal
family.”
“Ihaveafamily,Courtney,andshe’sstandingrighthere!Ihaveafamilywho’schosenmedayinanddayout,wholovesmeforwhoIam,andyouhavenoone.You.Have.Noone
.Sowhatthefuckareyoustilldoinghere?WhyareyoustillinVancouver?InCanada?Forfuck’ssake,Courtney,gohome
.”
Sheshakesherheadfrantically,tearsbuildinginhereyes.Tohercredit,theylookgenuine,butI’malmostcertainthey’retherebecausethisrightherewasherlast-ditcheffort.Shedoesn’tcareaboutAdam,andshemostcertainlydoesn’tdeservehim.
“You’llnevergetridofme,”shewhispers.“I’mnotleaving.Youcan’tjustbrushmeundertherugbecauseyou’vegotanewgirlfriend.”
“I’mnotbrushingyouundertherug.I’mtellingyourighthere,rightnow,thatyouhavenoplaceinmylife.Noneofitbelongstoyou,anditneverwillagain.Thatbabyisn’tmine,andwebothknowit.”
Herglazedeyesbouncearoundthecoffeeshop,avolcanicheatclimbingherneck,eruptinginhercheeks.
“Hereareyourchoices,Courtney,”Adamstartsquietly.“Youcanproveitrightnow,takeatestandprovethatbabyismine.ButwhentheresultsshowI’mnotthefather,I’llsueyoufordefamation,andallthemoneywillgodirectlytotheyoungmother’sshelterdowntown.Oryoucanadmitthisbabyisn’tmine.Youcanmakeapublicannouncementthatyouwerelying,thatRosiehadnothingtodowithourrelationshipending.Idon’tgiveafuckwhetheryoutellthemthetruthaboutwhocheated,aslongasyoutellthetruthaboutRosie.We’regonnaresolvethisonewayoranother,butnoneoftheseinvolveyouandmeandafuturetogether.”
Hethreadshisfingersthroughmine,andtogether,weturntowardthedoor.Weonlymakeitthreestepsbeforeheturnsbackaround.
“Andnooffense,Courtney,butfuckyou.Fuckyouforusingmetomakeyouhappyuntilyoudecidedyoudidn’tneedmeanymore.Fortakingwhatyouwantedandleavingmewithnothing.ForstayingforeverythingIgaveyouandgivingmenothinginreturn.Yougavemenothing
.Notlove,nothappiness,andsureashellnotyourrespect.Youtookmyconfidenceandallmyself-worth,andIhurtsomeoneIlovebecauseyoumademefeellikeshewouldn’tbeabletolovemeforme.You
didthat.AndIfuckingletyou.”
Herubshisjaw,alowchucklerumblinginhischest.“Youknow,oddlyenough,Iwouldn’tchangeathing.Otherwise,Iwould’vestayedinamiserablerelationship,andIwouldn’thavefoundRosieandConnor.Iwouldn’tknowreallove,whatit’sliketofeelit,whatit’sliketobelovedthatway,ifitwasn’tforthem.AndIwillalways
choosethem.”Hepointsashakingfingerinherface.“Fuckyou.Fulloffense.”
Sheblinksthosebabyblueeyesandsniffles,hermouthopening,almostasifshemightactuallytryherluckatresponding.
ButI’msoproudofmyman,thewayhe’sstuckupforhimself,becauseit’snevereasytodo.AndnowIwanttoshowhimexactlyhowitfeelstohavesomeonealwaysonyourside.Sowhenshespitsoutherfirstword,Iholdupmyfinger,silencingher.
“Yougaveuptherighttoyourhappyendingwithhimthemomentyouchosetohurthiminsteadoflovehim.NowI’mgoingtogivehimthehappyendinghedeserves.Everyday,I’mgoingtochoosetorespecthim.Everyday,I’mgoingtochoosetolifthimupinsteadoftearhimdown.Everyday,I’mgoingtochoosetostandbyhisside.Everyday,I’mgoingtochoosetolovehim.Everydamn
day,Courtney,I’mgoingtochoose
him,andhe’sgoingtochoosemeback.Andthat’sour
happyending.”
***
Hehasn’tstoppedlookingatmesinceweleftthecoffeeshop.
Hewaslookingatmeasheheldthedoorforme,andhewaslookingatmewhenhetrippedoverthecurbandfellagainstthehoodofhistruck.Hewaslookingatmeashetuckedmeintothepassengerseat,smackedhisforeheadoffthedoorframe.Andhewaslookingatmetheentiredrivehomewhenhenearlyranared.
He’sstilllookingatmenow,evenasIkickoffmyshoesinhisfronthallway,hangmycoatinthecloset.IfeelhisgazetouchmybackasIstrolldownthehallandintothekitchen,gabbingonaboutanythingandeverythingtodistractmefromthefactthat,betweenallthestaring,hehasn’tspokenasingledamnwordtomesincewewalkedoutonCourtney.
“AreyoustillupfordinneranddrinksforChristmasEveatCarterandOllie’stomorrow?IfoundgingerbreadOreosatthatlittlegrocerystoreontheothersideoftown.IpickedthemupforCarter.”Iopenthefridge,bulgingmyeyesatnothingasthecoolairbrushesmycheeks,awelcomereprievefromthesearofAdam’sgaze.Igrabawaterbottleandclosethedoor,guzzlinghalfofitwhileIleanagainstthecounter.“Jaxonsaidhe’sbringingMittens,soConnorwillbepsyched.Hey,didyouseetheweatherforecast?It’ssupposedtosnow.Imaginethat,huh?Snow.”
Idraintherestofthewater,lettingitsitinmycheeksforamomentasIbobmyhead.Then,IdowhatIdobest,makeafooloutofmyselfwhenIforgettoswallowbeforeopeningmymouth.“Marco—”Isputterthewaterintomyhands,wavingmyhandaroundlikeI’mnotchoking,myeyeswatering.“Marcowasmeasuringmyroomyesterday.Saysit’llmakeaniceyogastudio.ThenArchieremindedhimhehasn’tdoneyogaintwoyears,soMarcolookedhimdeadintheeyewhileheorderedanewmatandfiveoutfitsfromLululemon.”IforceachuckleasIheadforthegaragetorecyclemybottle.“Yeah,I’mreallygonnamiss—ah
!”
Adamstopsmewithhishandwrappedaroundthebackofmyneck.Slowly,hisfingerscreepupintomyhair,andhepullsmybackagainsthischest.Softlipstouchtheshellofmyear,hot,shudderedbreathsrollingdownmyneck,pebblingmynipplesbeneathmytop.
“Losethefuckingclothes,trouble.”
“Clothes?But—”
“Lose.Thefucking.Clothes
.”
Itearatmyhoodie,yankingitovermyhead.Thejeansgonext,andwhenonepantleggetscaughtaroundmyankle,Adampushesmeagainstthewall,holdingmetherewithhishandbetweenmyshoulderbladeswhileheditchesmypants.Hispalmslidesslowlydownmyspine,andheflickstheclasponmybra,guidingthestrapsdownmyarms.Thumbshookinmypanties,andthetorturousspeedhedragsthemovermyhips,downmylegs,hasmetrembling.
Hischestpressesagainstmybackashepalmsonebreast,hisotherhandpushingbetweenmylegs.Isighashestrokesme,andhehumsasIsoakhisfingers
“Whatdidyousaybackthere?Atthecoffeeshop?”
Iclosemyeyes,tryingtorememberthewordsthatleftthatstunnedlookonCourtney’sfacewhileheplungestwofingersinsideme.“ThatIchooseyou.Everyday.”
“Mmm.Andthatlastpiece?Aboutthehappyending?”
“It’syou.You’remyhappyending.”
Heshudders,hishandcoastinguptogripmythroatasheopenshismouthonmyneck,slow,wetkissesandgrazingteeth.Hisbulgepressesintomylowerback,andIsmileastherealizationhits.He’sturnedon.Istuckupforhim,tosomeonewho’sdonenothingbuthurtanddisrespecthim,andhe’sturnedon.
“Iloveyou,Adam.I’malwaysgoingtoloveyou.”
There’sabriefpausewherehismovementsstillandherestshisforeheadonmyshoulder,likehe’ssavoringthemoment.Andthenhespinsmearound,tossesmeoverhisshoulder,andcarriesmebackintothekitchen.
Hedropsmeontheisland,astarvedlookinhiseyesasheholdsmygazeanddiscardshisclothesbehindhim.Jesus,I’veneverseenhimsohard,standingsotall,soproud,hiscockbobsagainsthisbellybutton.
“Spreadyourlegs,”hedemands,fistinghiscock.“Showmethatperfect,wetpussy.”
Isetmyfeetflatonthecounter,baringmyselftohim.Hisdeep-bellygroansendsashiverdownmyspine,andheatsettlesinmyclit,throbbingwithneedashewrapshisfingersaroundmyankles,settlinghimselfbetweenmylegs.
“That’sagoodgirl,angel.Wantmetoshowyouhowgood?”
“Yes,please.”
I’mhotallover,awild,unrestrainedneedforthismantoburyhimselfinsidemeuntilhe’sallIcanfeel,untilIcan’tremembermyownname.
Heguidesmedowntomyback,spreadingmeoutonthecountertop,pressingtenderkissesalongtheinsideofmythigh.Electricblueeyesfliptomine,andmyteethpressintomytremblinglowerlipasIwatchhistongueflickout,lickingmeslowlyfrombottomtotop.
“I’llnevergetoverthewayyoutaste,”isallhesays,barelyamurmur,andthenhedivesin.
God,it’severythingI’veeverwanted,thewayheeatsme.Feralandstarved,likeheneedsmetosurvive.Reverentandall-consuming,likeheworshipseveryinchofthisbody.Helapsatmypussy,sucksmyswollenclitintohismouth,sinkstwofingersinsideme,andfucksmeuntilIseestars,buckingmyhipsandtearingathissoftcurls.Andwhenhe’sdone,hepullsmeup,yanksmetotheedgeofthecounter,andwrapsmylegsaroundhiships.
Fingerssiftthroughmywaves,tighteningaroundthemasheforcesmygazetohis,dropshissweetmouthagainstmineforalong,slowkiss.Andwhenhedriveshimselfinsideme,pullingacryfrommythroatashisfingertipsdigintomyhip,IsweartoGodIseethelight
“IfI’myourhappyending,you’remyheaven.There’snothingelseIneedfromthisworld.Icouldlivehereforever,inthisplacewhereI’myoursandyou’remine.There’sneverbeenanythingmorebeautifulthanthisversionofparadise.I’mcertainofit.”CHAPTER40
CHRISTMASDICKSICLES
ADAM
“WelcometoSanta’sVillage.
Haveyoubeennaughtyornicethisyear?”
IkaratechopCarter’swrist,makinghimdroptheteensySantahathejusttriedtoputonmyheadinhisfrontdoorway.
“Ohhh-ho-ho,”hemuses,scoopingupthehatwithanirritatingsmirk.“Olliegirl,changeAdam’smarkonmynaughtyornicelist!He’sbeenabadboythisyear!”HeleansintomeandRosie,ahandathismouth.“It’sokay.Ollie’sbeenvery
naughty.”
“Carter
!Icanhearyou!”
“It’slikeshe’sgotsupersonichearing.I’msickofit.Inevergetawaywithanything.”HescoopsConnorintohisarms,ploppingaloudkissonhischeeksbeforehesitshimonhisshoulders.“C’mon,littledude.Yourbestieiswaitingforyou.Igotyoumatchingreindeeroutfits.We’rehavingaphotoshoot.”
“Jesus,”Imutter,grabbingRosie’shandaswefollowCarterintothelivingroom.There’stinseldrapedacrosstheceiling,mistletoehanginginthedoorway,giantcandycanes,twinklylights,andasmallpinkChristmastree,bedazzledtothenines.“ItlookslikeSanta’selvesthrewupinhere.”
“CarterwantedIreland’sfirstChristmastobespecial,”Oliviasays,wrappingRosieandmeinahug.“MerryChristmas,youtwo.”Rosie’spackagecrinklesagainstOlivia,whoseeyeswiden.“Arethose—”
“GingerbreadOreos
!”Cartershrieks,tearingthepackageoutofherhands.“I’vebeenlookingfortheseeverywhere!”HehaulsRosieintohisarms,twirlingheraround.“Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou
!”
Thefrontdooropensbehindus,andJenniestepsthroughthedoor,adazzling,dimple-poppingsmileonherfaceassheholdsoutherhand.“We’re—”
Garrettpushesbyher,doingatwirlintheentryway.“—engaged!”
“Garrett,youdonkey.”Jennieglaresathim,fistsonherhips.“Youstolemyentrance!”
“Oops.Sorry,sunshine.”Hescoopsherintohisarms,twirlingherasshesquealswithlaughter.“We’reengaged!”
Thegirlsdashforward,embracingthebothofthem,andwhenJenniefreesherself,shedashesovertoherbrother.Carterhaulsherintohischest,hugginghersotightashewhispersinherear,andwhenshepullsaway,Iswearhewipesatearfromhiseye.
ThenheholdshishandouttoGarrettandtellshim,“I’mluckytocallyoumybrother-in-law,”andwhentheyembraceeachother,everywomanintheroomburstsintotears.
Rosieflapsatherface.“I’mnotstableenoughforthis.”
Igripherchin,tiltingherfaceup,andpressmylipstohertears.“Iloveyourunstableheart.”
“That’sgood,becauseit’syours.”
Jaxonstepsinside,Mittenstuckedunderhisarm,thetwooftheminmatchingChristmassweaters.Helooksatthesceneunfoldingaroundhim,cryinggirlsandJennieandGarrettkissingunderthemistletoe.“Theygetengaged?”
Inod.
“Cool.I’mtheonlysingleoneleft.That’sokay.MittsandIdon’tneednoonebuteachother,right,chunk?”HenuzzlesMittens’face.“No,wedon’t.Wedon’tneednomean,scarygirlputtingourballsinavice.”
“You’renotgonnahaveanyballslefttoputinaviceifyourcatkeepsusingthemasbattingpractice,”Rosiemurmurs,andJaxonguffaws.
“I’llhaveyouknowIstartedsleepingwithunderwearon,sotheproblemissolved.”
Rosiearchesonebrow.
“Fine.Whatever.Theproblemisn’tsolved.Irefusetowearunderweartobed.”Hepointsafingerinherface.“Shutup.”
MittensleapsfromJaxon’schesttoRosie’s,nuzzlingherchin,andJaxonglaresasthetwoofthemwalkaway,findingaspottosnuggleonthecouchwheretherestofusjoinwhileJennieandGarrettgiveusthedetailsonhowtheirengagementwentdown.Explicit
details,rightdowntowhatcolorJennie’sunderwearwas.Apparently,it’saverynecessarydetail,JennieargueswhenCartersaysitnot,becausetheymatchedperfectlywiththesapphireonherring,apleasantsurpriseforGarrettwhenhegottotakethemoffaftershesaidyes.
“Youcan’ttellmethat’snotsomesoul-mateshit,”Garrettsays.“Pantiesmatchingherring?”
Itsoundslikeacoincidence,buthe’ssopsychedaboutit,Ijustnodandtellhim,“Oh,forsure.Definitelysoul-matepanties.”
Isigh,watchingasCartersticksantlerswithbellsonthemontoConnorandIreland’sheads.ThenheplopsmatchingonesonBearandDublin,andwhenConnorsnatchesupMittens,holdinghimtohischestandkissinghisforehead,Carterattachesatinypairtothecattoo
Carterflattenshimselfonthefloor,aiminghiscameraatthemostchaoticgroupofreindeerI’veeverseen.“Okay,guys,lookoverhere.Ireland,baby,lookatDaddy!Connor!Connor,lookatyourfavoriteUncleCarter!Dublin!”
“Mittens,”Jaxoncalls,jinglinghiskeysaboveCarter’shead.“Mittens,lookatDaddy!Pss-pss-pss
!”
Fuckit.IfIcan’tbeat’em,mightaswelljoin’em.
“Bear!”Iclapmyhands.“Uphere,buddy!Connor,lookatDada!Saycheese!”
Connorholdsupthecandycane,grinningatme.“Cheese
,Dada!”
“No
,Dublin,don’teatthat!”
“Ireland,baby,Connor’snoseisn’tachewtoy.”
“Mittens
!Notthetree!No,notthe—Notthetree
!”
Thepinktreegoestopplingtoitsside,thedogstrampleoverit,thecattakesofflikelightning,scatteringpinkornamentsineverydirection,andConnor’sjustsittingthereshriekingwithlaughterasIrelandstandsonherwobblylegs,herarmswrappedaroundhisheadwhileshegnawsonhisnose.
Isigh,turningtoRosie,andmyheartstopsatthetwosilenttearsstreamingdownherfaceasshetakesintheuttercommotionaroundher.
OlivialaysherhandoverRosie’s.“Youokay?”
Shesniffles,wipingatherface,headbobbing.“IforgotwhatChristmasissupposedtofeellike.Thankyouforremindingme.”
Iwatchthetwoofthemembrace,andI’mstruckbyhoweasyitisformetoforget.ToforgetthatRosiehasmissedoutonsomuch,sillytraditions,ridiculousantics,embarrassingfamilyyouwouldn’ttradefortheworld.I’veneverknownwhatit’sliketobelonelyonaholiday,tocravesomethingsodeeply,somethingthatsomanypeopletakeforgranted.
Evenoverthislastweek,inallmyanger,confusion,inallmyfuckinghurt,I’veneverhadaneedtowantforanythingmorethanIhave.EveryoneIneedtogetthroughthisshitstormhasstoodfirmlybymyside,remindingmethat,whatevertheoutcome,Idon’thavetodoitalone.
Rosiehasn’thadthat,notuntilnow,andIknowthisfamilyisgoingtogivehereverythingshe’sbeenmissing.
“Hey.”Carternudgesmyside,offeringmeabeer,incliningwithhisheadtowardhispatiodoor.“Let’sheadoutsideforabit.”
IleaveRosiewithakissandfollowtherestoftheboysoutside,takingaseataroundthesmallfireCarter’stendingto.
HeholdsupabagofmarshmallowsandapackageeachofcandycaneandgingerbreadOreos.“Christmass’mores?”
“Oooh.”Garrettrubshisbelly.“Icouldfuckwiththose.”
“Howyoufeeling?”Emmettasksmeasweroastmarshmallows.
“BetterthanIwastwodaysago.Cara’sadvicewasright,Ithink.Threateningtosue,toserveCourtneyinpubliclikethat.”Thereweresomanyeyesonus,watching.Normally,Idoeverythinginmypowertoavoidthemedia.They’rebloodthirstyandruthless,whichistheonlyreasonanybodywithabrainwouldspreadthatbullshitstoryaboutRosiebeingmymistressandConnorbeingoursecretbaby.
I’mnotsureCourtneyevenrealizesthemistakeshemadeyesterday.Shethoughtshehadmepeggedasthesameniceguywholetherwalkalloverhimallthoseyears.Thelawsuitshockedher,andinherhastetograspatanystraw,shetrippedoverherownlieandadmittedthatIwasn’tConnor’sbiologicalfather.
NowIcanonlyhopethat,somehow,wordspreads.
“Iwon’ttellCarayousaidshewasright.She’salmostneverwrong.Infact,shekeepstrackofeverydaythatgoesbywhereshe’snot
wrong.Hercurrentstreakisonehundredandforty-seven.”Emmettrunsanexhaustedpalmoverhisface.“Ishouldknow.It’swrittenonmybathroommirrorinpinklipstick.”
Ichuckle,sippingatmybeerasthefiretoastsmymarshmallow.“Ineedtoseeherwalkoutofthiscityandnever,evercomeback.Thischapterofmylifeneedstoend,andIdon’tfeellikeIcantrulyputitbehindmeuntilshe’sgoneforgood.”
Carterraiseshisbeer.“TokillingoffCourtney.”Helooksaroundatourblankfaces,ourbeersstillinourlaps.“What?Isthatnotwhatwe’re…yeah,no,obviouslywhatImeantwas…togently…guiding…Courtney…outofthiscity.Obviously.Obviously,that’swhatImeant.”
HiseyesslidetoGarrett,andthenroll.“AndIguesstoGarrettandJennie,soluckytohaveyouasabrother,can’twaitforyoutomarrymysister,Iknowyou’llmakeherhappy,blahblahblah,Iloveyou.”
“Youjustsaidyouloveme,”Garrettwhispers.
“No,Ididn’t.”
“CarterjustsaidhelovesGarreeett,”Ising.
“CarterlovesGarrett,CarterlovesGarrett,”Jaxonadds.
CartersmooshesaroastedmarshmallowbetweenanOreo.“Whatever.Realmenlovetheirfriends.Ireadsomewherethatthere’sadirectcorrelationbetweenhowmuchloveamanshowsothermenandthesizeofhiscock.”
“Ah,”Emmetthums.“Thatexplainsyourpocketrocket.”
Carterstills,hisgazeslowlyrisingtomeetEmmett’s.“Excuseme?”
“Yourtinydick.Thatexplainsit.”
Carterrisesfromhischair.“Excuse.Thefuck.Out.Ofme.”
“EveryoneknowsAdamisthebiggest,”Garrettadds,andIshrugbutalsonod,because,yeah.
“Yousonofabitch.Ijustwelcomedyoutomyfamily.”Heleanscloser,tryingandfailingtowhisper.“ItoldyouIloveyou,andthisishowyourepayme?”
“There’sonlyonewaytoknowforsure.”Jaxonstands,reachingforhisbeltbuckle.
“Therearechildrenhere,”Irushout.“We’renotwhippingourdicksout.”
“Ofcoursenot.”Hewalkstothesnow-coveredgrassandturnshisbackonus,thesoundofhiszipperechoingthroughthefrigidChristmasEveair.Hesmilesatusoverhisshoulder,andthenspreadshisarmswide,face-plantinginthesnow.
“Ooou,fuck
!”Hescramblestohisfeet,jumpingbackandforthashetuckshimselfaway.Then,withagrin,hepointsatthesnow,somesortofdistortedsnowangel,and,uh…aperfectlyshapedimprintofhiscock.“Beatthat,fuckers.”
“No.Noway.”
Ishakemyhead,backingaway.
“I’mtwenty-six.I’mnotdippingmydickinthesnowtocomparesizes.”
***
Idippedmydickinthesnowtocomparesizes.
Honestly,Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.
“That’sclearshrinkage!”Cartershrieks.“Fromthesnow!’Causeit’scold!”
“Ifyouhaveshrinkage,weallhaveshrinkage!”Garrettscreamsback,armsflailing.“Thatdoesn’tchangethefactthatAdam’sahalfinchbiggerthanyou!”
“Three-eighths!Three-eighthsofaninch,notahalf!”
Thepatiodoorslidesopen,fourbeautiful,concernedwomenstaringbackatuswithmugsofboozyhotchocolateintheirhands.
“What’sgoingonouthere?”Oliviaasks,shiftyeyesmovingbetweenusasweshiver,wetwithsnow.
“Nothing,”Carterliesquickly.“Nothing,Ollie.”
CaralooksatEmmett,raisingabrow,andthatmotherfuckerfoldslikealawnchair.“Wewerecomparingdicksbydippingtheminthesnow,”heblurts,thenbreathesoutadeepsighofrelief.“Adam’sgotCarterbeatbyahalfinch.”
“Three-eighths
!”
Rosie’samusedgazecomestomine.“Adam,youdidn’tparticipateinthis,didyou?”
Heatrisestomycheeks,eventhoughmyjunkisfuckingfrozensolid.Withananxiouschuckle,andasheepishgrinIhopeisequallycharming,Isidesteptotheright,showinghermysluttysnowangel.
“SweetholymotherofJesus,”Caramurmurs.“Lookatthatdicksicle.Rosie,howareyouupright?”
SheopenshermouthtotelleveryonehowsweetandrespectfullyIfuckher,butthetrillofmyphoneslicesthroughthenightair.Myheartbeatthumpsinmychestatthenameonmyscreen.
“It’smylawyer.”
Rosierushestomyside,andmyfriendscrowdaroundmeasIanswerthephone.
“Iknowit’sChristmasEve,Adam,butIfiguredyou’dwantanswersassoonasIhadthem,”mylawyertellsme.“Courtneyrefusedthepaternitytest.”
“Ofcourseshedid,”Igrowl,andRosieslidesherhandintomine,squeezinggently.
“Sherefusedthepaternitytestbecausethebabyisn’tyours,Adam.”
“What?”
“Youdidn’tsleepwithherthatnight.Youwereasleepinyourbedroom,andshesnappedthatpicturetomakeitlooklikeyoutwohadbeentogether.Shewasfiveweekspregnantalready.”
Ididn’tsleepwithher.
“Ialsoissuedherano-contactorderforyouandRosie,andwasexplicitlyclearwhattypesoframificationstheremightbeonherCanadianvisashouldshechoosetobreakit.Thisisover,Adam,forgood.Andifyouneedalittleprooftohelpyoufeelconfidentinthat,IsuggesthoppingonTwitter.Aminuteofscrollingwillgiveyouallthesatisfactionyouneed.”
Ipulluptheappassoonaswedisconnect,myheartracingatthecontentlitteringmyfeed.LinkstogossiparticlesdetailingCourtney’sscheming,allherlies.PostsinsupportofRosieandme,peoplesendingtheirbestwishestoourfamily.Iclickonavideothathastensofthousandsofshares,watchingarepeatofyesterdayfromadifferentview:meandRosie,aunitedfront,andCourtney,desperateandcaughtinherlies.
“Howdidtheygetthisfootage?”Rosieasks.
Ilookupather,atmyfriendssurroundingme,andmyhandstremble.“Idon’tknow.Butthey’reincredible.”
“Wow,”Caramurmurs,doingapiss-poorjobofhidinghersneakysmilebehindherboozyhotchocolate.“It’salmostasifsomeoneknewyou’dbethere,atthatexactcoffeeshop,atthatexacttime,andmadesuretheyweresituatedwithinearshotofthatexactdevil,sotheycouldrecordthatexactconversation,onlytoturnaroundandleakit.Hmmm.”Shesipsherdrink,lickingthewhippedcreamfromhertoplip.“Iwonderwhothatpossiblycould’vebeen.”
“Thatwasyou?”Iaskquietly.“Youdidthis?”
“Rathereasily,myman.Andquitefrankly,I’minsultedyoutwodidn’tnoticeme.Yes,Ihadmybigsunglasseson,andyes,IwaswearingEmmett’shideousscarfhisnanaknithimthatI’dusuallyneverbecaughtdeadin.Butthere’snoonealivewithhairthisgorgeous,andyoushouldbeabletospotitfromamileaway.”
“YoudidthisforAdam?”Rosiewhispers,greeneyesglassy.
“Ididitformyfamily.ForAdam,andConnor,andyou.BecausenobodygetsawaywithhurtingthepeopleIlove.”
RosiethrowsherselfatCara,wrappingherarmsaroundherneck,buryingherfaceinCara’slongblondehair,whileIstandhere,tooshockedtomove.
“There’sonemorething,”Carasays.“Searchthehashtagdeportcourt
.”
Myfeedfloodswithpicturesofmyex.Thesamepicture,overandoveragain,ofherwithabaseballcappulleddownlow,abaggysweater,andascarfwrappedaroundherneck,coveringhalfherface,likeshe’stryingtogounnoticed
There’snomistakingthatredhair,though.
Justlikethere’snomistakingtheluggageatherfeet.
Ortherunwaybehindher.
Myfeedupdates,anewtweetappearingwiththesamehashtag.Asimplepictureofaplanetakingoff,andtwowordsIwasbeginningtothinkI’dneversee.
She’sgone
ItossmyphoneatCarter’schest,wrapCarainthetightest,besthug,andtakeRosie’sfaceinmyhands.
“She’sgone?”shewhispers.“Really?”
“She’sfuckinggone.”
Asprigofmistletoeappearsaboveus,heldupbyCarter.“Ireallywannahaveagrouphug,soweallneedyoutohurryupandkiss.”
Rosiegiggles,thatadorablescrunchofhernosemakingmesmile.Ikissthatfirst,thenthedimpleinherchin,beforefinally—fuckingfinally
—takinghermouth.It’ssoftandsweet,unhurriedandtender,andittasteslikefreedom.FreedomtolovewitheverythingIhave.Freedominlettinggo.FreedomtobewhoIamandtoknowwithcertaintythatallofmeisloved.
Then,ourfriendscomearoundus,windingarmsandtendersqueezes.
Andthis?Thisfeelslikefamily.CHAPTER41
PUZZLEPIECES
ROSIE
“Andhere’s
Adamateightyearsold,passedoutinthepantry.”
“IshewearingunderwearwithdogSantasonthem?”Hedefinitelyis,andit’stheonly
thinghe’swearing.He’salsohalfwaytoppledoutofthepantry,foldedontothebottomshelf,hischeekonthefloor,darkcurlsscatteredaroundhim.
“ThosewerehisSantaPawsunderwear,”hismom,Bev,tellsme.“Theywerehisfavorite.Heworethemeveryday.Ihadtofightwithhimtoletmewashthem.Suchastrong-willedboy.”
“Andhe’sinthepantrybecause…?”
“HewantedtocatchSantaintheact.Andhe’swearingonlyunderwearbecausehewantedtoshowthemtoSanta.
“Mom
.”Adamlevelsherwithawhatthefucklookfromacrosstheroom.“Whoactuallytravelswithphotoalbumstoshowoff?”
“Ido.”Sheflipsthepage.“Oh,ohmyGod!Lookathimhere!Hewasthirteenandstartedgrowingthispreciouslittlemustache.”
“OhmyGod.”Ilookatmyganglyboyfriend,hisshaggyhairindesperateneedofacut,widegrinfinishedwithbraces,andabouteightstrandsoffacialhairhelooksso
proudof.WhenIfindAdam’sscowl,henarrowshiseyes.
“Don’t,”hewhispers.“Don’tyoudare.”
“Youlook…”Ifoldmylipsintomymouth,myshouldersshakingwiththelaughIkeeptryingtoswallowdown.“Socute.”
“Iwannasee!”Lilysetsdownthebraceletshe’sworkingonforConnorandkisseshisforehead.“I’llberightback,okay,Connor?Youstayrighthere.”ThenshekissesBear’shead,andPiglet’snext,andwhenshegetstoAdam’sdad,shejustblushes.“Youstay,too,okay?”
“Iwouldn’tdreamofgoinganywhere,”Deacontellshersincerely,holdinguphisRainbowLoom,hiswristalreadydecoratedwithseveralcolorfulelasticbracelets.He’smuchbetterthanAdam,who’sstillstrugglingwithhisfirstbracelet.“I’mlearningsomuchaboutmakingbracelets.”
Lily’sbeenwithusallday,showingupatninethismorninginabeautifulreddressthatwaswaitingforherbeneaththeChristmastreeatthechildren’shomethismorning.Shewascryingwhenshegothere,andIwasworriedshedidn’twanttobeherewithusuntilshewrappedherselfaroundmylegsandthankedmeforwantingtospendtimewithher.ShetooktoBevimmediately,thesameasConnordidwhenwepickedherandDeaconupattheairportonourwayhomefromCarterandOlivia’slastnight.
She’sbeenmorehesitantwithDeacon,butAdamsaidshe’salittlenervouswithmen,justlikePiglet.Butbothgirlshavebeeninchingclosertohimallmorning,andnowPiglet’sdrapedoverhislap,pawsintheair,andIknowshe’senjoyingabreakfromtheshelterthisChristmas.
“HowbigwasAdamwhenyouadoptedhim?”LilyasksBev.
“Adamwasfiveyearsoldwhenweadoptedhim.”
Lily’sfacelights.“Hey,I’mfive!Maybesomeonewilladoptme,too,likeAdam.”
Bevsmiles,rakingherfingersthroughLily’shair.“Thefamilywhofindsyouisgoingtobesuchaluckyfamily,Lily.”
Mythroattightens,andmygazecollideswithAdam’s.Ihaven’tstoppedthinkingaboutLilysinceImether,andlately,I’vebeenthinkingwhatitmightlookliketoonedayopenourhomeuptosomeonewhoneedsone.Someonewhoneedssomeextralove,becausewehavesomuchtogoaround.It’sasscaryasitisempowering.WhenIwasinfostercare,Itriedeverythinginmypowertomakemyselfmoreadoptable
,asifthatwereeverarealquality.It’stakenmeyearstocometotermswiththefactthattherewasnothingIcoulddo.Itwasneveruptome.Andnow,I’minthisincredibleposition,onewhereIhavethepowertochangesomeone’slifeforthebetter.
Andyetthere’ssomethinginsidemethat’sscared.Somethingthatkeepsmefromtakingthatfinalstep.SomethingthatworriesIwon’tbetherightchoice.
I’vefoundallthesepeoplewhoareperfectforme,butI’mnervousIwon’tbeperfectforher
“Goddammit,”Adamgrumblesfromthelivingroom.“Lily
!Ineedhelpwithmybracelet,please!”
“Again?”
“It’snot—Ican’t—myfingersaretoobig!”
“Wellthenhowcomeyourdadcandoit?”sheyellsback,thenwrapsherselfaroundmymiddle,huggingmetightlybeforesheskipsbacktothelivingroom.“Youjustgottabelieveinyourself,Adam.Ifyousayyoucan’tdoit,youneverwill.”Shesitsdownbesidehim,andhelooksdownatherlikeshe’soneofthefewreasonshebreathes.“Don’tworry.Iwon’tgiveuponyou.”
“Puzzlepieces,”Bevmurmursbesideme.
“Hmm?”
“I’vealwaysthoughtpeoplewerelikepuzzlepieces.Thatwespendourlivessearchingforsomeonewho’sshapedalmostasifthey’rejustforus.Youfindeachother,andyougetthisfunny,excitedfeelinginyourstomachthecloseryouget,themoreyoulearnaboutthem.Andthen,suddenly,somethingslidesintoplace,thisperfectfit,likeyouhadthisspacesavedjustforthem.Andwhentheysqueezethemselvesin,itfeelslikeyourpuzzleisfinallycomplete.”
Shesmiles,watchingherhusbandandsonastheypulloutallthetoysConnorandLilyopenedthismorning,pullingoutthemini–hockeynet,showingthekidshowtoholdthelittlesticks.
“IthoughtDeacandIfoundallourpieceswhenwemetincollege.AndthenwefoundAdam,andit’slikeanewspaceopenedupjustforhim.AndthenIreally
thoughtweweredone.”Shecoversmyhandwithhers,squeezingtenderly.“Lookslikewefoundafewmorepieces.”
AllI’vedonethepastsixmonthsisfindmorepieces,filledmylifewithsomanyincrediblepeople.ButdoIhavemorespace?DoIhaveroomforonemore?HowwillIknow?Istartwiththemostlogicalquestion.
“Didyoualwayswanttoadopt?”
“Nope.Neverevenwantedkids.”
“SohowdidyouwindupwithAdam?”
HersoftbrowneyesfollowDeaconashecoversConnor’shandsonhishockeystick,helpinghimshootandscoreonAdam.“BecauseDeacon’sheartiseverybitasbigasAdam’sis.Hehadtoomuchmoneyandnothingtospenditon.Afterafewfundraiserswithhisteam,hestartedvolunteeringwithafewhomelessyouthprograms.Thenhestartedorganizinghisownfundraisers,tryingtofindthesekidsfamiliestolovethem.Adamcamealongoneday,thosebigblueeyesandcurlsfordays,shyascouldbe.Deaconstartedpoppingintothehomewheneverhecould.He’dfindanyexcusetogoseethatlittleboy.HesaidassadasAdamwas,hiseyesalwayslitwithsomuchhopewheneversomeonesatdownwithhim,paidhimanyamountofattention.”
Ipressmyhandtomychest,overtheheartthatachesforalittleboywhojustwantedsomeonetolovehim.Asdifferentasourexperienceswere,we’vehadalotmoreincommonthanIrealized.Theconnectionisn’tassettlingasIthoughtitwouldbe;itbreaksmeknowingheeverfeltthesamewayIdid.
Bevchucklesquietly,watchingasLilysquealswithlaughterasAdammisseshershot,collapsingtohisbackindefeat.“Thatboystolemywholeheart,andhediditwithouteventrying.Deaconhostedalow-keyeventattheparkoneday,tryingtogetkidsinteractingwithpotentialfamilies.Adamdidn’twanttotalktoanyonebutus.Hebroughta
“Sometimesyou’renotborntoyourfamily,notyourforeverone.Sometimesyouare,andtragedystrikesandseparatesyouuntilyoucanbetogetheragain.Andsometimes,despiteitall,youfindyourfamily.Youchooseeachothereverysingleday,overandover.Whenyoufindthepeoplewhocomeintoyourlifeandmakeitwhole,youdon’thesitate,Rosie.Yougrabitbeforeit’sgone,becauselifewithoutthemisnolongerliving.It’ssimplyexisting.”
“SorryI’mcrying,”Icry,slappingatthetearsstreamingdownmyface.
Shelaughs,pullingmeintoherembrace.It’severythingLockwood,warmandbrightandsofuckingsteady,thesafestplacetobe.“Ithankyourparentseverydayforsettingyouonourson’spaththatday.Forlettingusholdontoyou.AndIthankyou,Rosie,formakingourfamilywhole.”
It’swild,isn’tit?Howyoucanspendyearssearchingforlove,foracceptance,andrightbeforeyouacceptthatit’snotforyou,someonesweepsinandshowersyouinit.It’slikeAdamtookonelookatmyheartandsaid,“Thisiswhatyouwant?Letmegiveyoumore.”Hedidn’tjustgivemehim;hegavemethefamilyI’dbeensearchingforalltheseyears.
Asmallhandtugsonmine,andtroubledbrowneyespeerupatme.“Areyouokay,Rosie?”Lilyasksme.“Isawyoucrying.”
Icrouchdownbeforeher,brushingherbangsoffherforehead.“I’mokay,sweetheart.”
“Wereyouthinkingaboutyourmommyanddaddyinheaven?”
“Yeah,Iwas.”
“CanIgiveyousomethingtohelpyoufeelbetter?”
“I’dlikethat.”
Twotiny,gentlehandscupmycheeks,andIclosemyeyesasLilypressesfeatherlightkissesacrossmynose.“There,”shewhispers.“Butterflykisses.”Sheturnstoleavebutpauses,smilingbackatmeoverhershoulder.“IthinkConnor’stheluckiestkidintheworld.He’sgotthebestmama.”
Myheartcatchesinmythroat,afewspecialkissesandtwolittlesentencesfromafive-year-oldgirlthatsoundidenticaltotheonesafive-year-oldAdamsaidsometwenty-oneyearsago.
Adamjoinsmeatthecounter,tuckingmeintohissideaswelookoutatourChristmas.
“Didyougeteverythingyouwanted?”
MygazeslidestoLily,andmyheartpattersagainstmychestasshehelpsConnorontothecouch,snugglesupwithhimandDeaconandBevandthedogs.
Theperfectfit.
Adam’spalmtouchesmylowerback,glidingupmyspine,histhumbmovingoverthenapeofmyneck.“YouknowwhatIwasthinking?”
“What?”
“Wehavefivebedrooms,andonlytwoofthemarebeingused.”
Mychestrisesandfallsquickly.“Yeah?”
HelooksatLily,andwhenshegrinsatus,hegrinstoo.“Yeah.”
***
“Forfuck’ssake,Marco,Ihaven’tevenleftyet!”
Ipropmyfistsonmyhipsinthedoorwayofmybedroom.Ohsorry—Marco’sZenDen.That’swhathe’scallingitnow.Iguessthat’swhyhe’schangingmysoft-glowwhitepotlightsoutforwarmamberbulbs,whytherearebamboobranchesinalargeceramicvaseinthecorner,andwhyhe’scurrentlyplugginginadiffuser.
Hefansthemistathisfaceandinhalesdeeply,thenwinksatmeoverhisshoulder.“Gottagetridofallthebadjuju.”
“There’snobadjuju!ConnorandIdon’thavebadjuju!”
Okay,soasitturnsout,I’mmoreattachedtothislittleapartmentandthistinybedroomthanIrealized.Itshouldbesimpletopackupandleavetoday,toofficiallybeginthenewyearatmynewhome.Anditis.ButIunderestimatedtheholdthisplacehasonme.
Thiswasourhome.ThisiswhereIfoundoutIwaspregnant,andthecouchinthelivingroomiswhereArchieheldmeandassuredmeI’dbesuchanamazingmother.ThisbedroomiswhereConnorsleptwhenhecamehomefromthehospital,andwhereIspentthatentirenightjuststaringathim,refusingtobelieveI’dcreatedsomethingsodamnperfect
.Thishomeiswherehesmiledforthefirsttime,andthesewallsheardhislaughbeforeIhadtoshareitwithanyone.Helearnedtocrawl,learnedtowalk,andlearnedtoloverighthereinthishome.
“OhGod.Fuck.Archie
!Help!Imadehercry!”Marcorushestomyside,pullingmeintohischest.“Iwasjokingaboutthejuju,Ro.Youhavethebestjuju.NoonedoesjujulikeRosieWells-slash-soon-to-be-Lockwood.Noone
.”
“Whatdidyoudonow?”Archieaskswithaheavysigh,enteringtheroom.
“Hedidn’tdoanything,”Ichokeout,flappingatmyface.“I’mjust—”hiccup
“—reallygonnamissyouguys!”
“Aw,Rosie.”Archieembracesmetightly,andMarcopilesontop.“Youknowwe’renotgoinganywhere.”
“YoutwoaretheonlyfamilyI’veknownforsolong.Idon’twanttolosethat.”
Archieswipesatthetearsfallingfrommyeyes.“We’llalwaysbefamily,Ro.Andwearesoproudofyou,andsohappytoseeyougrowingyourfamily.Youaredeservingofeverythinggoodyou’vefoundinthisworld.”
“You’retwoofthebestthingsI’vefound,”Imurmur.
“Wegetthatalot,”Marcowhispers,andIsnortthroughmytears.
Twentyminuteslater,I’vegotthelastofmythingsloadedintomybackpack.OnebagisallIhaveleft,becauseAdamandArchiealreadytookeverythingovertoAdam’splace—ourplace
—yesterday.
“Ohhey.”Archiestopsmeinthedoorwayaftermyfifthgood-bye,handingmeafolderfromthebank.“Takethis.”
“Whatisit?”
“AsavingsaccountforConnor.Iopeneditwhenyoufoundoutyouwerepregnant.”Herubshisneck,liftingashoulder.“Beenputtingyourhalfoftherentinthereeverymonthforhiseducation.”
Mychestcrackswideopen,andmyheartfallsatmyfeet.Idon’thavethewordstotellhimhowmuchthismeanstome,sointruefashionofagirlwhohastoomanyfeelingsandhasneverlearnedhowtoproperlyexpressallofthem,Ihurlmyselfathischestandweep.
Herubsmyback,hisbreathcatchinginhisthroat.“Ifyoudon’tgetoutofhereinthenexttenseconds,I’mgonnacry,too,andIdon’twannacry.”
“Iloveyou,Arch.Thankyouforbeingmybestfriend.”
“Iloveyou,too,Rosie.Nowgetyourassonhome.”
Ican’twaitto,butit’sthenewyear,andIcan’tletoneofmyfavoritegirlscelebrateallonherown,soIstopatWildheartontheway.ThevettechwhogotsaddledwithholidaydutywavesatmefromthecatdenwhenIwalkin.
“Hey,Rosie.”Shefollowsmethroughtothekennelswithoneoftheten-week-oldkittensfromalittersomeonefoundonthesideofthehighway.“Whatareyoudoingheretoday?”
“JustwannaseePiglet.”Ihaven’tseenhersincewedroppedherbackoffonChristmasDay,andIdon’tthinkI’veevergonesolongwithoutseeingher.“I’mgonnatakeherforaquickwalk.”
“Piglet?Didnobodytellyou?”
“Tellmewhat?”Igrabherleashoffthehook,alreadyreachingforherfavoritetreatinmypocketasIapproachherkennel.Myfeetskidtoastop,andmykneeswobble,liketheydon’tknowhowtokeepmeuprightanymore.ThenIreadthesignhangingfromPiglet’skennel,andwhenmycoworkerwhispersthesamewords,myheartshatters.
“Piglet’sbeenadopted.”
***
Ittakesmeanhourtopullmyselftogetherenoughtogetbehindthewheel.
AnhourofconvincingmyselfthiswaseverythingIwantedformyPiglet.Ahome.Afamilywhowillloveherbeyondashadowofadoubtandtreatherright.Afamilythatchoosesherfortherestofherlife.
Shedeservesthis,aforeverfamily.ThesameasIfoundmine.
IguessIwasjustholdingouthopethatmyforeverfamily…well,thatitcouldbeherstoo.
Uglysobbingandsnortingallkindsofsnottyfluidsisn’tquitehowIpictureddrivinguptothishouseforthefirsttimesinceit’sofficiallybecomemyhome.WhenAdamwatchesmefromthefrontporchasIstepoutofthecar,Icantellit’snothowheimaginediteither.
It’samildday,thedustingofsnowwegotyesterdaymeltingbeneaththebrightsunasConnorrideshisnewbikealongthewalkway.Adam’sgazecomesmyway,andalltheworryinhisblueeyesstealshisexcitementashestandsfromthefrontsteps.
Connorstopsthebikewithhisfeet,climbingoffandracingovertome.“Mama!”Hehugsmylegstight,hisbiggreenhelmetsmooshedagainstmythighs.“Ilubyou,Mama.”
“Iloveyou,too,baby.”Thewordscomeoutsupercroaky,andwhenAdamtakesmyhandandpullsmeintohim,afreshwaveoftearsfalls.
“What’swrong?”hewhispers,rockingmesidetoside.“Didyouchangeyourmind?’Causeyou’renotallowed.I’lllockthedoorsandwon’tletyouleave.”
Ilaughasnorty,strangledlaugh,thencrysomemore.“I’mfine.I’mtotallyandcompletelyonehundredpercentfine.”
“Uh-huh.Youwannatrythatagain?”
“I-I-I-IwenttovisitPigletonmywayoverandtakeherforawalk,butshewasn’tthere.She-she-she—”Iswipetheheelofmypalmagainstmynose.“Shegotadopted!It’ssogood,right?That’ssogood.It’sexcellent.It’samazing.
Shefounda-a-a—”Achokingsobhurlsmeforward,andIburymyfaceinAdam’schest.“Shefoundafamily!”
Adamslipshishandbeneathmysweater,hiscoolpalmaheavyweightonmybackasitglidesupanddown,overandover.Hedoesn’tsayanything,justholdsmeclosewhileIclingtohim.Then,hetakesmyhandandmybag,pullingmetowardthefrontsteps.
“C’mon,Connor.Let’sshowMamahowwefilledourhometoday.”
IscrubatmyraweyesasConnordashestothefrontdoor.“Whatdoyoumean,filledourhome?”
Adamsmiles,andeveninmyborderlinehystericalstate,Irecognizewhatabeautifulsightitis.
Ifhomeisafeeling,IfeelitwhenIseethatsmile.
Whenheopensthedoor,achorusofbarksgreetsusasBearleapsforward,showeringusinkisses,soothingmysoreheart.Andthenaflashofbrownandblackfurcatchesmyeye,andIlookupasthemostbeautifulGermanShepherdstepsforward,happypinktonguehangingoutofhermouthashergorgeousbrowneyesblinkupatme.Shetakesthreestepsbeforeleapingintotheair,whackingBearrightinthefacewithherbuttwhenshespins,andIdroptomykneesasIwrapmyarmsaroundherneckandburymycriesinherfur.
“Piglet
.”
Acrochetedpinkpeonyisfixedtohercollar,andItaketheheart-shapedtagwithhernameonitbetweenmyfingers.Onthebackismyphonenumberandasimplemessage:IfI’mlost,pleasecallmymom.
“Youdidthisforher?”Iwhisper,staringupatAdamthroughblurryeyes.
Heshakeshishead.“Ididn’tdoadamnthingbutfallinlovewithagirlandherdogonedayintheforest.Andthentheybroughtmethatlittleboy,andtogether,allofus,wemadeafamily.”
“Meow
!”
Myheadwhipsupatthetinymewl,justintimetocatchatinyblobofgreyfluffthatlaunchesitselfoffBear’sheadandscurriesupmyshoulder.Thekittennudgesmyjawwithitslittleheadandthendigsitspiercingclawsintomysweater,hangingdownmychestanddroppingintomylap.
Adamrubsthenapeofhisneck.“Oh,and,uh,that’sDinosaur.WewenttovisitthecatswhilewewerewaitingforPiglet,andI,uh…well,Connorlookedupatmewiththesehopefuleyes,andI…”Hesighs,asheepishsmileasheshrugs.“HewantedtonamehimDinosaur.Icouldn’tsayno.”
Andthenhegrins,scoopingConnorintohisarms,helpingmeup,andtuckingmeintohisside.Hetakesmychininhishand,tippingmyface,droppingthesweetestlipstomineasanotherpuzzlepieceslowlyclicksintoplace.
“Welcomehome,Rosie.”EPILOGUE:OOPS
ROSIE
MAY
“Do
youthinkshe’lllikeit?”
Istepback,mybarefeetwarmonthehardwoodplanks,theearlymorningwestcoastsunstreamingthroughthewindowsinourlivingroom,bathingthescenebeforemeinlight.Pinkfoiledballoons,spellingouthernameandwhatthisdaymeanstous.Herfavoritebreakfastlaidoutonablanketonthefloor,becausepicnicsareourfavoritewaytoeatasafamily.Up
readytogoontheTV,becausethereisn’tamovieshelovesmore.
Warmhandslandonmyarms,coastinguptomyshoulderswherehisfingersslipbeneaththestrapsofmytanktop.Adamguidesmebackagainsthischest,broadarmscomingaroundmeashedropskissesalongmyshoulder,upmyneck.
“She’sgoingtoloveit.She’dloveitwithoutallthis,Rosie,becauseshelovesyou.”
Ismile,swayingagainstAdamashekissesmycheek.“Ilovehersomuch.Itfeelslikeweweremadeforeachother.”Iturnintohim,drapingmyarmsoverhisshoulderashegripsmyhips.“That’showIknewshewasitforus,thesamewayIknewyouwereitforme.Yourmomtoldmepeoplearelikepuzzlepieces,andwhenyoufindthepiecesthatfitwithyours,youdon’tletgo.”
“She’sourpuzzlepiece.”
“Theperfectfit.”
Hethreadshisfingersthroughmine,tuggingmetowardthestaircase.“C’mon.Let’sgogetthekidsup.”
AdampausesoutsideofConnor’sroom,hisearatthedoor.Smallvoicesdriftthroughtous,andhesmilesasourgazescollide.Whenweopenthedoor,everyoneisexactlywhereweexpectthemtobe.
Connoristuckedbeneathhisblanketsstill,huddledupbythepillows,histhumbinhismouth.BearandPigletarecurleduptogetheratthefootofthebed,andDinosaur—whoisabitofanasshole,bytheway—isdrapedovertheedgeofthemattress,bellyup,hisheadonthefloor,pawsstretchedoutovertop.
AndLilysitscross-leggedatopthepillows,abookinherhandsasshereadstoConnorandtheanimals,thesameasshedoeseverymorningbeforebreakfast
Lily’sbeenlivingwithusforsixweeksnow.ThedayafterChristmas,Adamcontactedhersocialworkerandaskedaboutbecomingfosterparents.OnJanuarysecond,webeganourtwelve-weekPRIDEpre-servicetraining,andassoonaswewerequalified,Lilymovedinwithus
Ithasn’talwaysbeeneasy.Therehavebeentearsandsomanyfears,longnightsandevenlongerdays.ExhaustionranrampantasIfinishedupmyrotationsbeforegraduating,andeverythingfeelsharderwhenAdamisn’there,buthechecksinonuseverynight.Anddespiteallthetoughdays,everysingleonehasbeenworthit.Becausebeyonditall,there’sbeenthebravestleapsandbounds,breathtakingsmiles,sodamnmuchlaughter,andmorelovethanIeverthoughtpossible.
Andnow,afternearlysixmonths,AdamandIareofficiallyadoptready.
“Goodmorning,sweethearts,”Igreetthekids,takingaseatonthefloorbesidethebed.ConnorandLilyrushover,climbingintomylapforasqueezebeforetheyruntoAdam.“DidyousleepinherewithConnorlastnight?”IaskLilyasAdamscoopsthemintohisstrongarms,settingakidoneachhip.
LilylaysherheadonAdam’sshoulder,nodding.“Idon’tlikesleepingalone.MeandConnor,wemakeeachotherfeelsafe.”
MyheartwarmsattheloveshehasforConnor,sodeepandendless,andI’mhappyshe’sfoundanotherwaytohelpherselffeelmoreathomehere,safer.We’veheardherbedroomdoorcreakopeneverynightthisweek,stuckourheadsout,andwatchedherpadacrossthehallwithatleastoneanimalonherheels,creepquietlyintoConnor’sroom.Andfiveminuteslater,we’vecrackedhisdoor,foundthetwoofthemfastasleepbeneaththeglowofthemoonsandthestarsstuckalloverhisceiling.
LilywigglesdownAdam’sbody,rushingovertomeandtakingmyhand.“Canyouhelpmegetready,Rosie?”
AdamtossesConnorontohisshoulders.“I’vegotthisone.”
Likeclockwork,mythroatgrowstightatthesightofLily’sroom,neatandtidy,barelylivedin,herbaginthecorneroftheroomlikeshe’sonlyvisiting.Sheunzipsit,pullsoutthecleanlaundryIwashedyesterday,theclothessheputrightbackinthere.AndIaskherthesamequestionIdoeverymorning.
“Wouldyouliketounpackyourbagtoday?”
Sheshakesherhead,spreadingoutafewoptionsonthebed.“It’sbetterthisway.Incaseyouwantmetogo,Icanleavefast.”
Herpainwrapsaroundmyheartlikeanangryfist,squeezing.Thesameoldfeelingsresurface,thereminderofyearsspentfeelingunwanted,unworthyoflove,slappingmeintheface.It’snotbetterthisway,andIwoulddoanythingforhertobelievethat.
Fornow,Icrouchbesideher,layingmyhandoverhers,staringintothoseinnocent,wideeyes.“Weloveyouverymuch,Lily.Wheneveryou’rereadytounpackyourbag,youletmeknow,andwe’llputeverythingawaytogether.Ourhousewouldn’tbeahomewithoutyou.”
Thatlittlenosecrinkleswhenshesniffles.Shetwirlsthedustypinkendsofherchestnuthairaroundherfingers,thetemporarydyeweputinlastweekendwhenshesaidshewantedhairlikemine.“Couldyouputbraidsinmyhairthismorning?Iwanttomatchyou.”
Fifteenminuteslater,withmatchingFrenchbraidsandinherfavoritedress—theoneshewaswearingwhenweaskedherifshewantedtocomelivewithus—weheaddownstairs.Myheartgallops,growingmoreanxiousthecloserweget.Whenweseetheboysinthelivingroom,waitingbeneaththeballoonsandamongourmini-zoo,Lilystops.
“LilyDay?”shewhispers,curiouschocolateeyesmovingbetweenusandthepinkfoilballoons.Shecocksherhead.“Ithoughtmybirthdaywasn’tuntilJune.”
“Itis.Buttodaywewanttoshowyouhowgratefulwearetohaveyouinourfamily.Wehavelovedwatchingyougrow,Lily.Youarefierceandbraveandgentle,andyouaresuchacaringandspectacularsistertoConnor.”
Hereyesflashatthats-word,andwhenConnorrunsover,wrappinghimselfaroundher,shecloseshereyes,sinkingintohislove.
“Ilubyou,sista,”mysweettwo-year-oldtellsher.
Adamkneelsinfrontofher,takinghertinyhandsinhisbigones.“Weloveyou,Lily.WelovedancerecitalsonSaturdaymornings,picnicsonthelivingroomfloor,playingDr.Lily,veterinarian,withthedogsandcat.Welovesnugglingupandreadingyourfavoritebooksoverandover,rainydaysspentwatchingmovies,andyourartonthefridge.”
AsLily’schintremblesandtearsfloodhereyes,Adamreachesintohispocketandpullsoutthepinkandpurplebracelethemadelastnight,aftershewasfastasleep.Heslipsitonherwrist,runningthetipofhisfingersoverthesmalladdition,thedanglingsilverletters.A,R,L,C.
“Oneforeachofus,”hetellsher,andwhenthatfirsttearslipsfree,hecatchesitonhisthumb.“You’reourpuzzlepiece,Lily.Ourfamilyisn’tcompletewithoutyou.”
Irunmyhanddownherbraid,smilingthroughmyowntears.“Wewantyoutostay,sweetheart.Forever.”
“You-you-you…”Shesniffles,chinquivering.“Youwanttoadoptme?”
Inod.“You’vebeenpartofourfamilyforawhilenow.Butifit’sokaywithyou,we’dliketomakeitofficial.”
Shetakestheskirtofherdressinherfists,lookingtoAdam.“DoesthatmeanIgetajerseylikeConnor’stoweartoyourgames?OnethatsaysDaddy
ontheback?”
Adamgrins,walkingovertothecoffeetable,returningwithasmallblueandgreenjersey.Heunfoldsit,showingthebacktoLily,hisnumbersetbelowthatveryword,theoneAdamfeelssoluckytobecalledbyConnor,theonehe’sbeenhopingLilywouldsomedayfeelcomfortablecallinghimtoo.
TearscascadedownLily’scheeksassherubshereyeswithhershakingfists.“DoesthatmeanIcancallyouMommy?”
Myheartshatters,andIpullherintomychest.“Ifyouwantto,sweetheart.Iwouldbesohonoredtobeyourmommy,andI’mgoingtoloveyouforever,justlikeyourmommyinheaven.”
Asobcracksfromherthroat,andsheclingstomeaswecry.Connorwrapshislittlearmsaroundus,andAdamtakesallthreeofusinhis.Somewhere,there’sacatmeowinghisdisapprovalthathe’snotinthemiddleofthishug,andtwodogsdancearoundus,stickingtheirtonguesinourears,lickingawayourtears.
Whenwebreakaway,Lilylooksatme,scrubsthetearsfromhereyes.Red-rimmedandtired,it’stherenewedhopeinthemthatpaintsoverthefissuresinmyheartlikeglue,mendingpiecesofmeIdidn’tthinkcouldeverbefixedagain.
Andthenshetakesmyhandandsays,“IthinkI’mreadytounpackmybagtoday.”
***
ShewearsherjerseytoAdam’splay-offgamethatnight.Proudlydisplaysthatfive-letternameontheback,adevastatingsmileandsomuchcolorinhercheeksasshepointsathimstretchingontheiceandtellseveryone,“That’smydaddy.”
“Holyfuck,”Caramuttersunderherbreath.
“Yeah,”Oliviasaysonasigh.
“Weallknewit,”Jenniehums.
“What?”Iask,myeyesonAdamashesinksfartherintohisstretch,hislegsstraightoutathissidesashedoesthesplitsandsomehowmanagestowinkatmeandwaveatthekidsatthesametime.
“Adam,”Oliviasayssimply.“He’sabiggerDILFthanCarter.”
Cartertosseshisleguponthebench,stretchingandglaring.“Howdareyou!I’mstandingrighthere.Nooneout-DILFsme,Olivia.
”
CarapointsatAdam,fixinghisbrand-newgoaliemaskoverhisfaceasheskatesover.“Adamjustdid,babe.”
“Dada
!”
“Daddy
!”
ConnorandLilyjumpattheglass,smackingtheirhandsagainstitasAdamstopsinfrontofthem.
Connor’seyeslight,andhepointsattheartworkonAdam’smask.“Pic-ta!Dada,Mama,Conn’a,sista!Oooh-ho-ho
!Bear,Pig-it,Dino-saw!Chomp-chomp
!”
Beingadadhasneversuitedasinglepersonalivemorethanitsuitsthisman,IsweartoGod.I’velosttrackofhowmanytimesI’vejumpedonhimthemomentheleavestheirroomsafterreadingthemabedtimestory,tuckingtheminforthenight.AndIdidthesamedamnthingwhenAdamcamehomefournightsago,showedmethenewmaskhe’dmadewithLily’sartworkonit,adrawingofourfamily.
Lily’schinquivers.“Idrewthatpicture.Youputitonyourhelmet?”
Adamnods.“GottakeepmyfamilywithmewhenI’montheice.”Helayshispalmagainsttheglass,andLilysmiles,steppingforwardtolayhersontheotherside.
“Here,Connor,”shesayssoftly.“Youputyourshere,rightnexttomine.”
There’sasnifflebesideme,andthedistinctclickofacamera.Lennon,theteam’snewphotographerandsocialmediacontentmanager,andnewestadditiontoourgirlcrew,sniffles.“Gotit.”Sheflapsathereyes.“That’sit.That’sthesweetestpictureI’veevertaken.Thegirliesaregonnagoferaloverthis.”
Jaxonknocksontheglass.“Whataboutme?Didyougetmypicture?”
Sheignoreshim,snappingapictureofCarterandIrelandnext.“Perfection.Utterperfection.”
“Lennon?Didyougetmypicture?Lookatthis.”Jaxonshimmiesbackward,droppingtohisknees,spreadinghislegswide.“LookhowlowIcanget.”
“NotaslowasAdam,”shemurmurs,flippingthroughherpictures.
“Len?Didyouseeme?Wantmetodoitagain?”
“Yes,Jaxon,”shefinallycalls,rollinghereyesforonlyustosee,herchestnutcoilsbouncingfromwherethey’repiledontopofherheadasshefinallyswingsaroundtogivehimherattention.“Isawyou.We’reallso
impressed.”
Hegrins,soboyishandproud,andIsnicker.Betweenthetwoofthem,I’mnotsurewhichoneannoystheothermore,butI’mcertaintheybothenjoyit.
Agentletapontheglassinfrontofmedrawsmygazethere,findingAdamwatchingme,hismaskproppedontopofhishead.
“We’reprettylucky,huh,trouble?”
“Theluckiest.”
Hesmilesthen,devilishandsosureofhimself.“I’mgonnamarryyousomeday,youknow.”
Igrin,thatsamegiddyfeelinginmystomacheverytimewehavethisconversation.“WhatifIsayno?”
Hepullshismaskdown,fixingitoverhisface.Ashebacksaway,hewinksatme.“Youwon’t.”
Andattheendofthegame,whentheywininovertime,Adamlooksatus,andhetapshisheartthreetimes.
***
We’reupatthecrackofdawnthenextmorning,thekidsandalltheanimalspackedupinthetruckforourhike.Yes,evenDinosaur.
ThesunhadonlyjustbrokenthroughthehorizonwhenAdamdroppedthekidsonmeinbed,hand-drawncardsandabrightbouquetofpinkpeoniesformeonMother’sDay,requestingasunrisehike.TheStarbuckswarminmyhandshelpschaseawaythesleepiesfromanightspentcelebratingwithourfamilyandfriends,butI’dgetupearlyeverydayfortherestofmylife,solongasit’sthisfamilyI’mgettingupearlywith
Fracturedraysofamberfilterthroughthebranchesaswewalk,theslowlyrisingsunwarmingthiswoodedtrail.ConnorandLilydanceaheadofushandinhand,thedogsclosebehind,thecattryingtoclawhiswaytothefrontofthepack.
“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”Adam’sdeeptimbrecracklesinthequietforestasbirdswakeonebyone,theirmorningsongsbecominglouderaswewalkdeeper.
“HowIneverimaginedmyselfwalkingacatonaleash.”
Hebarksalaugh,hishandsqueezingmine.“Dinosaurdoesn’tlikewhenweallgooutwithouthim.”
Uh,yeah.
ThecathasthebiggestcaseoffearofmissingoutI’veeverencountered.Alleightpoundsofhimalsothinkshe’sasbigandferociousashiscaninesiblings—whoare,bytheway,terrified
ofhim—soheprettymuchrunsourhouseholdnow.
LilyandConnorstoptoinspectabugcrawlingupthetrunkofatree,andtheanimalsdashover,thefiveofthemhuddlingtogetherasthefuzzyorangeandblackcaterpillarslowlyascends.
“Ican’tbelievehowmyworldhaschangedinthelastyear.IhaveeverythingIalwayswantedbutneverdareddreamI’dactuallyhave.EverythingI’dgrowntobelieveIwasn’tdeservingof.IthoughtIneededtobebetter.Dosomethingtostandout.Dyemyhairtogetpeopletonoticeme.Sobadly,Ijustwantedtobechosen.Iwantedsomeonetolookatmeandsay,‘That’sher.’IjustwantedsomeonetolovemeforwhoIwaswithouthavingtochangeasinglethingaboutmyself,Adam,andthenIfoundyou.AndnotonlydidIgetyourlove,butIlearnedhowtolovemyselfbetterbecauseofthewayyoulovedme,sowholly.”
Adam’sfingerstightenaroundmine,pullingmetoastop.TheemotionshininginhiseyesreflectsexactlywhatIfeelinmyheart—sodamnmuchgratitudefortheloveofalifetime.Itakehisfaceinmyhands,guidinghismouthdowntomine.
“TheonlychoiceIeverhadwaschoosingtostepfootonthisverytrailthatmorning.Fatetookcareoftherest.That’swhatI’mthinkingabout.”
“Marryme,”heblurts,thenblinksrapidly,likehecan’tbelievethosewordsjustlefthismouth.“Ahshit.Thatwasn’thowthatwassupposedtohappen.”
“Ithoughtyouwasgonnadoitatthetree,”Lilyscolds,handsonherhips.“Whereherparentsare.”Shetapsherfoot.“Andyouhavetogiveherthering,Daddy.That’swhat’sgonnamakehersayyes.”
“I’msosorry,”herushesout,andI’mnotsureifhe’sapologizingtomeorLily.Hegrabsmyhand,draggingmealongashedashesupaheadtothatoldtree,theonewithmyinitialsandmyparents’,surroundedbyarainbowofpeoniesthathavejustbeguntobloom.Myhearttriestocrawlitswayupmythroatasheturnsbacktome,pullingasmallvelvetboxfromhisbagwithtremblinghands.“Hey,uh,forgetwhatIsaidbackthereaminuteago,’kay?”
“Forgotten,”Iwhisperashedropstooneknee.
Thedogssitathissides,andDinosaurdropstohisback,rollingaroundinthedirtashemeows.ConnortugstheboxfromAdam’shands,openingit,andtherisingsuncatchesonthemostgorgeousdiamond.
“Oooh
,”hecoos,shovingitinmyface.“Pwetty,Mama.”
“Ithoughtyouwasgonnawaitforthesuntocomeallthewayup,”LilyremindsAdam.“’Causeyousaidshe’slikeasunrise.”
Adamdropshishead,atiredlaughshakinghischest.Whenhelooksbackatme,it’swiththesoftestsmile,soinherentlyAdam,tenderandcalm,sopatient.“Ishould’veexpectedthistogoexactlyoppositeofhowIplannedit,huh?”
Inod,tearsalreadygatheringinmyeyes.“That’sparenthoodforyou.”
“Butmaybeit’sexactlyhowIplannedit,becauseallIneedisyourighthere,surroundedbyallthelovethatmakesthisfamilyexactlyasperfectasitis.That’stheonlythingI’veeverdreamedof.”HeturnstoConnor,takinghistinyhandsinhis.“Connor,buddy,IfellinlovewithyouthemomentImetyou,whenyouthrewyourshoesatmychestanddemandedIputthemonyourfeet.Youaresocleverandcurious,andyoulovewithyourwholeheart,justlikeyourmama.”HepullsLilyintojointhem.“Lily,youareeverythingkindandpatientinthisworld,andthedayyouaskedmetoreadwithyou,IknewIlovedyou.”Hesqueezestheirhands.“Iloveyouboth,andI’msoproudandgratefultobeyourdad.NowwhatdoyousayImakeMamamywife?”
“Yeah
!”theyscream,andConnortripsoverhisfeet,face-plantingagainstAdam’schestashegrabsholdofhisneck.
“Ilubyou,Dada.”Hepointsatme,holdingtheringout.“GibMamawing?”
Adamtakestheringfromtheboxwithshakyhands.Hisgazetouchestheheartcarvedintothetree,andwhenhecloseshiseyes,presseshishandagainsttheveryspotmyparentsoncetouched,mytearsspringfree.
Heopenshismouth,hesitates,thenclosesit,shakinghishead.“Ipracticedthisathousandtimes.EverysinglewordIwantedtosay,Isaiditinfrontofthemirror,intheshower,Christ,Rosie,Ievenreciteditinfrontoftheguyslastweek.Andnowwe’rehere,andI’mlookingupatyou,andtheonlywordsIcanthinkofarethankyou
.Thankyoufortrustingmewithallofyou,yourfears,yourinsecurities,yourpast,andyourfuture.Thankyouforlettingmeintoyourlife,formakingmefeellikeIbelongedthere.”Hehangshishead,breathingout,andIreachforward,runningmyfingersthroughhissoftcurlsuntilhegivesmehiseyesagain,electricblueandshiningwithtears.“Thankyouforgivingmeasecondchance.Thankyoufortakingthetimetoseeallofme,toknowallofme,andthankyouforlovingitall.Thankyouforshowingmewhatitmeanstobelovedwithoutreservation.Thankyou,Rosie,forbeingyou.”
Glitteringgoldenraysdancethroughtheforestasthesunfinallybreaksthroughthetrees,bathingmyfamilyinadazzling,breathtakingwarmthIcanfeelallthewaytothetipsofmytoes.
Adamsmiles,astunning,magnificentsight,thetremorinhistouchdisappearingasheslipsmyhandintohis.“You’vebeenmybestfriendandmypartnerthroughallofthis.”Heslipstheexquisiteringonmyfinger,theteardropdiamondthesamerosyshadeasmyhair.“NowIwantyoutobemywife.”
HecatchesmeagainsthimasIfalltohislap,asoftlaughthatskatesdownmyneckasItossmyarmsaroundhimandcryforaloveIspentmylifedreamingof.
“Youdidn’tphraseitasaquestion,”Icry.
“Becauseyou’renotallowedtosayno;Ialreadytoldyou.”Heshiftsmeback,brushingmywavesoffmydampcheeks.“DoyouknowhowIknew?HowIknewitwasyou?”
“How?”
“Sometimespeoplesaytheyknowthey’vefoundtheonebecausetheyturnedtheirworldupsidedown,tookeverythingtheythoughttheyknewandshookitup.Butyou?Notyou,Rosie.Youdidn’tthrowmywholeworldoffbalance.Youcenteredit.Itwaslikeyouweremygravity,andeverymomentIwaswithyou,everythingsettledintoplace.Myfears,myinsecurities,myhopes,andmydreams.Iwasatpeacewitheverything,aslongasyouwerebymyside.”Hetucksmyhairbehindmyear,histhumbsweepingoverthedimpleinmychinashesmiles.“Withyou,Ifoundmygravity.That’sworthsomuchmorethanmychaos.”
Westaythereallmorning,meandmyfamily,havebreakfastonthebridge,splashinthecoolcreekdownbelow.Andwhenit’stimetoleave,AdamtakesapocketknifefromhisbagandaddsC,L,
andA
tothatheartforevermarkedinthetree.
ItakeLily’shandinmineasAdamperchesConnorontopofhisshoulders,Bear,Piglet,andDinosaurleadingushome.
“We’llhavetocomebackinJanuarytocarveinonemoreinitial.”
Adam’sgazeslidestomine.“Onemore?”
“Mhmm.Whenwe’reafamilyoffive.”Ishrug.“Oreight,Iguess,includingtheanimals.”
“Familyof…”Hetrailsoff,tickingoffeachofusonhisfingersashecountsbeneathhisbreath.
Lilygasps,andAdam’seyessnaptomystomachwhensheplacesherhandthere
“Iknowit’salittleearlierthanweplanned,andyouhadhighhopesforaspringorsummerbabysoyoucouldbeoffwithus,butitlookslikewemadea—”
“Awinterbaby.”Hiswordsescapehimonabreath.Hischestrisessharply,andthattremorinhishandsfromearlierreturnsashebringsonetohismouth,rubbingit,beforehesitantlyreachingout,layinghispalmovermystomach.Blueeyesfliptominejustintimeformetotrackthesingletearthatescapes,runningdownhischeek.“Wemadeawinterbaby?”
Igrin,coveringhishandwithmine,andshrug.
“Oops.”
TheEnd.ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Firstandforemost,toMegan,becausethisbookwouldbenothingbutelevenchaptersofmytears,andI’dberockingaloneinmyclosetrightnow.Itrulydon’tknowhowtothankyouforeverythingyou’vedonetohelpmebringAdamandRosie’sstorytolife,butIhopeyouenjoyedthepodcastyougottotuneintoeverydaywithmythousandsofvoicenotes.Ican’twaittoplotseventy-fivebookswithyou,andlaughatalltherelevant,geniusvideosyoucreateaboutthem.I’msogratefulforyou,andwildlyluckytocallyouafriend.
Tomygirls,Erin,Hannah,andKi,Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou,otherthangetmoresleep.Ofalltheamazingthingswritinghasbroughtme,thebestbyfarisyouthree.
ToMichelle,thankyoufortakingthetimetoletmepickyourveterinarianbrain.Iknowit’snotperfect(nofourthyearvetstudenthasasmuchfreetimeasRosie),butIhopeyouenjoyedit.
ToPaisley,foryourundyingpatiencewithme,andformakingmefeelsafehandingmystoriesovertoyou.I’msorryyoursearchengineisallkindsoffunnybecauseofmybooks.
ToNicole,forbeingwithmesincedayone,andfortakingonelookatAdam’snameonpaperandsaying,“Mine.”Youknowhowtopick’em.
ToEllieandAutumn,foreverythingyou’vedonefornotonlymybooks,butforme.I’msothankfultohaveyouonmyteam.
ToAlana,forbringingmyboystolifeviastickers.Youareanincredibleartist.
ToMissBizzarro,always,becauseonceuponatimeIwastwelveyearsold,andyoumadetheimpossiblefeelpossible.
Tomyincrediblealphateam,Megan,Autumn,Nikki,Allie,andKristen.Youguyshaveangel-levelpatiencewithme,whetherit’smetakingtwoweekstoupdate,ormescrappingthefirsttwenty-eightchaptersandstartingover.
Tomyreaders.Thiswouldprobablybeagoodtimetothankyouforyourpatience,huh?THANKYOU.Notonlyforthat,butforyoursupport,yourlove,liftingmeupeverytimeIneedit.Iadoreyou,andIappreciateyousodarnmuch.ThankyouforlovingmyVipers.
Tomyson,forbeingthecutestinspirationforConnor,andtomydaughter,becauseyouarewellwortheverydelay.
Andtomyolderbrother.I’dneverletyoureadmybooks,butIknowsomewhere,you’reproudofme.Imissyou,sodamnmuch.
Fromthebottomofmyheart,thankyou.ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
Beckaisasteamyromanceauthor,self-proclaimedsarcasmqueen,professionalprocrastinator,andasuperfanofdraggingherreadersthroughhellandbackonthewaytoahappyending.
Whenshe’snotstaringblanklyathercomputerscreenordeletingclosetotwohundredoccurrencesofthewordjust
fromhermanuscript,shecanbefoundteachingkindergarten(gasp!
)inOntario,Canada,andmom-ingwithhertwochildrenandheranimals.
Thoughshe’salwaysbeenanavidreaderandforeverdreamtofbecominganauthor,Beckadidn’tbeginwritingbooksuntilafterthelossofherbrother.Whileshelovestoincludeallthefunstufflikeheat,humor,andalphamenwhoaresecretteddybears,herwritingcomesfromaplaceofheavyemotions,andsheoftencan’tresistlettingthoseemotionsseepintoherpages.
***
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