THINGSWENEVERGOTOVERLUCYSCORE
Copyright?2022LucyScore
Allrightsreserved
NoPartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectricormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutpriorwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher
Thebookisaworkoffiction.Thecharactersandeventsinthisbookarefictitious.Anysimilaritytorealpersons,livingordead,ispurelycoincidentalandnotintendedbytheauthor.
ISBN:978-1-945631-84-9(ebook)
ISBN:978-1-945631-83-2(paperback)
lucyscore.com
010922aCONTENTS
1.Worst.Day.Ever
2.AReluctantHero
3.Apint-sizedcriminal
4.“You’renotstayinghere.”
5.AVatofLighterFluidandaNap
6.AsparagusandaShowdown
7.APunchintheFace
8.TheMysteriousLizaJ
9.BackyardUrination&DeweyDecimal
10.HairCutsandPainsintheAss
11.BossfromHell
12.ARideHome
13.HistoryLessons
14.TheDinnerParty
15.KnoxGoesShopping
16.TheInfamousStef
17.Man-to-Man
18.MakeoversforEveryone
19.HighStakes
20.AWinningHand
21.FamilyEmergency
22.OneHatchetTwoBullets
23.KnoxKnox.Who’sThere?
24.UninvitedGuests
25.FamilyFuss
26.PMSandtheBully
27.FieldMiceRevenge
28.ThirdBase
29.Knox’sHouse
30.BreakfastofShame
31.ShiftyintheStacks
32.LunchandaWarning
33.ASwiftKick
34.TheGroom
35.TheWholeStoryandaHappyEnding
36.TheBreak-In
37.ShaveandaHaircut
38.F.I.N.E
39.BreakingUp,Down,andThrough
40.TheConsequencesofBeinganIdiot
41.TheNewNaomi
42.TheOldKnox
43.DayDrinking
44.TheBabysitters
45.TheBarFight
46.TinaSucks
47.Missing
48.TheOl’Switcheroo
49.TheCavalry
Epilogue
Author’sNotetotheReader
Acknowledgments
Lucy’sTitlesToJosie,Jen,andClaire,thebravesthearts.ONEWORST.DAY.EVER
Naomi
Iwasn’tsurewhattoexpectwhenIwalkedintoCafeRev,butitsureashellwasn’tapictureofmyselfbehindtheregisterunderthecheeryheadline“DoNotServe.”Ayellowfrownyfacemagnetheldthephotoinplace.
Firstofall,I’dneversetfootinKnockemout,Virginia,letalonedoneanythingtowarrantapunishmentasegregiousaswithholdingcaffeine.Secondly,justwhatdidapersonhavetodointhisdustylittletowntohaveamugshothanginginthelocalcafe?
Ha.Mugshot.BecauseIwasinacafe.Gosh,IwasfunnywhenIwastootiredtoblink
Anyway,thirdly,itwasanincrediblyunflatteringpicture.IlookedlikeI’dhadalong-termthreesomewithatanningbedandcheapeyeliner.
Rightaboutthen,realitypenetratedmyexhausted,dazed,bobby-pinned-to-within-an-inch-of-its-lifehead.
Onceagain,Tinahadmanagedtomakemylifejustalittlebitworse.Andconsideringwhathadgonedowninthelasttwenty-fourhours,thatwassayingsomething.
“CanIhelp…”Themanontheothersideofthecounter,theonewhocouldgivememypreciouslatte,tookastepbackandhelduphandsthesizeofdinnerplates.“Idon’twantanytrouble.”
Hewasaburlyguywithsmooth,darkskinandashaved,nicelyshapedhead.Hisneatlytrimmedbeardwassnowwhite,andIspottedacoupleoftattoospeekingoutoftheneckandsleevesofhiscoveralls.ThenameJusticewasstitchedonhiscuriousuniform.
Itriedmymostwinningsmile,butthankstoanovernightroadtripspentcryingthroughfakeeyelashes,itfeltmorelikeagrimace.
“That’snotme,”Isaid,pointingafingerwithawastedFrench-tipmanicureatthephoto.“I’mNaomi.NaomiWitt.”
Themanpeeredatmewithsuspicionbeforeproducingapairofspectaclesfromthefrontpocketofhiscoverallsandslippingthemon.
Heblinkedthengavemeahead-to-toescan.Isawtherealizationbegintohit.
“Twins,”Iexplained.
“Well,shit,”hemurmured,strokingoneofthosebighandsthroughhisbeard.
Justicestilllookedalittleskeptical.Icouldn’texactlyblamehim.Afterall,howmanypeopleactuallyhadaneviltwin?
“That’sTina.Mysister.I’msupposedtomeetherhere.”Thoughwhymyestrangedtwinaskedmetomeetherinanestablishmentwheresheclearlywasn’twelcomewasanotherquestionIwastootiredtoask.
Justicewasstillstaringatme,andIrealizedhisgazewaslingeringonmyhair.Reflexively,Ipattedmyhead,andawilteddaisyflutteredtothefloor.Whoops.IprobablyshouldhavelookedinthemirroratthemotelbeforeIsetfootinpubliclookinglikeadisheveled,unhingedstrangeronherwayhomefromarole-playingfestival.
“Here,”Isaid,reachingintothepocketofmyyogashortsandthrustingmydriver’slicenseattheman.“See?I’mNaomiandIwouldreally,reallylikeagiganticlatte.”
JusticetookmyIDandstudiedit,thenmyfaceagain.Finally,hisstoicexpressioncracked,andhebrokeintoawidegrin.“I’llbedamned.It’snicetomeetyou,Naomi.”
“It’sreallynicetomeetyoutoo,Justice.Especiallyifyou’regoingtomakemethataforementionedcaffeine.”
“I’llmakeyoualattethat’llmakeyourhairstandonend,”hepromised.
Amanwhoknewhowtomeetmyimmediateneedsanddiditwithasmile?Icouldn’thelpbutfalljustalittlebitinlovewithhimrightthenandthere.
WhileJusticegottowork,Iadmiredthecafe.Itwasdeckedoutinwhatlookedlikemanlygaragestyle.Corrugatedmetalonthewalls,shinyredshelves,stainedconcretefloor.AllthedrinkshadnameslikeRedLineLatteandCheckeredFlagCappuccino.Itwasdownrightcharming.
Therewereahandfulofearlymorningcoffeedrinkersseatedatthesmallroundtablesscatteredthroughouttheplace.Everysinglepersonwaslookingatmeliketheywerereallynothappytoseeme.
“Howdoyoufeelaboutmapleandbaconflavors,darlin’?”Justicecalledfromthegleamingespressomachine.
“Ifeelgreataboutthem.Especiallyiftheycomeinacupthesizeofabucket,”Iassuredhim.
Hislaughechoedthroughtheplaceandseemedtorelaxtherestofthepatronswhowentbacktoignoringme.
Thefrontdooropened,andIturned,expectingtoseeTina.
Butthemanwhostormedinsidewasdefinitelynotmysister.HelookedtobeinmoredireneedofcaffeinethanIwas.
Hotwouldbeadecentwaytodescribehim.Hotashellwouldbeevenmoreaccurate.HewastallenoughthatIcouldwearmyhighestpairofheelsandstillhavetotiltmyheaduptomakeoutwithhim—myofficialcategorizationofmaleheight.Hishairwasinthedirtyblondrangeandwascutshortonthesidesandsweptbackontop,whichsuggestedhehadgoodtasteandreasonablegroomingskills.
BothofthosecriterialandedhighonmyListofReasonstobeAttractedtoaMan.Thebeardwasabrand-newadditiontothelist.I’dneverkissedamanwithabeardandIhadasudden,irrationalinterestinexperiencingthatatsomepoint.
ThenIgottohiseyes.Theywereacoolblue-graythatmademethinkofgunmetalandglaciers.
Hestroderightonuptomeandsteppedintomypersonalspacelikehehadastandinginvitation.Whenhecrossedtattooedforearmsacrossabroadchest,Imadeasqueakysoundinthebackofmythroat.
Wow.
“ThoughtImademyselfrealclear,”hegrowled.
“Uh.Huh?”
Iwasconfused.ThemanwasglaringatmelikeIwasthemosthatedcharacteronarealityTVshow,yetIstillwantedtoseewhathelookedlikenaked.Ihadn’texhibitedsuchpoorsexualjudgmentsinceIwasincollege.
Iblamedmyexhaustionandemotionalscarring.
Behindthecounter,Justicestoppedmid-lattecreationandwavedbothhandsintheair.“Holdonnow,”hebegan.
“It’sokay,Justice,”Iassuredhim.“Youjustkeepmakingthatcoffee,andI’lltakecareofthis…gentleman.”
Chairspushedbackfromtablesallaroundus,andIwatchedaseverylastcustomerbeelinedforthedoor,somewiththeirmugsstillinhand.Noneofthemmadeanyeyecontactwithmeontheirwayout.
“Knox,it’snotwhatyouthink,”Justicetriedagain.
“I’mnotplayinganygamestoday.Getthefuckout,”theVikingordered.Theblondgodofsexyfurywasrapidlyplummetingloweronmysexychecklist.
Ipointedatmychest.“Me?”
“I’vehadenoughofyourgames.Yougotfivesecondstowalkoutthisdoorandnevercomeback,”hesaid,steppinginevencloseruntilthetipsofhisbootsbrushedmyexposedtoesintheirflip-flops.
Damn.Upclose,helookedlikehe’djuststormedoffamaraudingVikingvessel…orthesetofacolognecommercial.Oneofthoseweirdartsyonesthatdidn’tmakeanysenseandhadnameslikeIgnorantBeast.
“Look,sir.I’minthemidstofapersonalcrisisandallI’mtryingtodoisgetacupofcoffee.”
“Ifuckingtoldyou,Tina.YouarenottocomeinhereandharassJusticeorhiscustomersagain,orI’dpersonallyescortyourassoutoftown.”
“Knox—”
Thebad-tempered,sexyman-beasthelduphisfingerinJustice’sdirection.“Onesecond,bud.LookslikeIgottatakeoutthetrash.”
“Thetrash?”Igasped.IthoughtVirginiansweresupposedtobefriendly.Instead,I’dbeenintownbarelyhalfanhourandwasnowbeingrudelyaccostedbyaVikingwiththemannersofacaveman.
“Darlin’,yourcoffee’sup,”Justicesaid,slidingaverylargeto-gocupontothewoodencounter.
Myeyesdartedtowardthesteamy,caffeinatedgoodness.
“Youeventhinkaboutpickingupthatcup,andwe’regonnahaveaproblem,”theVikingsaid,hisvoicelowanddangerous.
ButLeifEriksondidn’tknowwhohewasmessingwithtoday.
Everywomanhadherline.Mine,whichwasadmittedlydrawntoofarback,hadjustbeencrossed.
“YoutakeonesteptowardthatbeautifullattethatmyfriendJusticemadeespeciallyforme,andIwillmakeyouregretthemomentyoumetme.”
Iwasaniceperson.Accordingtomyparents,Iwasagoodgirl.AndaccordingtothatonlinequizItooktwoweeksago,Iwasapeoplepleaser.Iwasn’tgreatatdolingoutthreats.
Theman’seyesnarrowed,andIrefusedtonoticethesexycrinklesatthecorner.
“Ialreadyregretit,andsodoesthiswholedamntown.Justbecauseyouchangeyourhairdoesn’tmeanI’mgonnaforgetaboutthetroubleyou’vecausedhere.Nowgetyourassoutthedooranddon’tcomeback.”
“Hethinksyou’reTina,”Justicecutin.
Ididn’tcareifthisassthoughtIwasaserialkillingcannibal.Hewasstandingbetweenmeandmycaffeine.
TheblondbeastturnedhisheadtowardJustice.“Whatthehellareyousaying?”
Beforemynicefriendwiththecoffeecouldexplain,IdrilledmyfingerintotheViking’schest.Itdidn’tgoveryfar,thankstotheobscenelayerofmuscleundertheskin.ButImadesuretoleadwiththenail.
“Nowyoulistentome,”Ibegan.“Idon’tcareifyouthinkI’mmysisterorthatweaselwhojackedupthepriceofanti-malarialdrugs.Iamahumanbeinghavingareallybaddayaftertheworstoneofherlife.Idonothaveitinmetostuffdowntheseemotionstoday.Soyou’dbettergetoutofmywayandleavemealone,Viking.”
Helookeddownrightbemusedforahotsecond.
Itookthattomeanitwascoffeetime.Side-steppinghim,Ipickedupthecup,tookadelicatesniff,andthenshovedmyfaceintothesteaminghotlifeforce.
Idrankdeeply,willingthecaffeinetoperformitsmiraclesasflavorsexplodedonmytongue.IwasprettysuretheinappropriatemoanIheardcamefrommyownmouthbutIwastootiredtocare.WhenIfinallyloweredthecupandswipedthebackofmyhandovermymouth,theVikingwasstillstandingthere,staringatme.
Turningmybackonhim,IflashedmyheroJusticeasmileandslidmyemergencycoffeetwentydollarbillacrossthecounter.“You,sir,areanartist.WhatdoIoweyouforthebestlatteI’veeverhadinmylife?”
“Consideringthemorningyou’rehaving,darlin’,it’sonthehouse,”hesaid,handingmylicenseandcashbacktome.
“You,myfriend,areatruegentleman.Unlikesomeothers.”IcastaglareovermyshouldertowheretheVikingwasstanding,legsbraced,armscrossed.Takinganotherdiveintomydrink,Ituckedthetwentyintothetipjar.“Thankyouforbeingnicetomeontheworstdayofmylife.”
“Thoughtthatdaywasyesterday,”thescowlingbehemothbuttedin.
MysighwaswearyasIslowlyturnedtofacehim.“ThatwasbeforeImetyou.SoIcanofficiallysaythatasbadasyesterdaywas,todaybeatitoutbyaslimmargin.”Onceagain,IturnedbacktoJustice.“I’msorrythisjerkscaredawayallyourcustomers.ButI’llbebackforanotheroneoftheserealsoon.”
“Lookingforwardtoit,Naomi,”hesaidwithawink.
Iturnedtoleaveandsmackedrightintoamileofgrumpymanchest.
“Naomi?”hesaid.
“Goaway.”Itfeltalmostgoodtoberudeforonceinmylife.Totakeastand.
“Yourname’sNaomi,”theVikingstated.
Iwastoobusytryingtoincineratehimwithaglareofrighteousangertorespond.
“NotTina?”hepressed.
“They’retwins,man,”Justicesaid,thesmileevidentinhisvoice.
“Fuckme.”TheVikingshovedahandthroughhishair.
“Iworryaboutyourfriend’svision,”IsaidtoJustice,pointingatthemugshotofTina.
Tinahadgonebleachblondeatsomepointinthepastdecade-plus,makingourotherwisesubtledifferencesevenmoreobvious.
“Ileftmycontactsathome,”hesaid.
“Nexttoyourmanners?”Iquipped.Thecaffeinewashittingmybloodstream,makingmeunusuallyfeisty.
Hedidn’trespondwithanythingotherthanaheatedglare.
Isighed.“Getoutofmyway,LeifErikson.”
“ThenameisKnox.Andwhyareyouhere?”
Whatthehellkindofnamewasthat?WasitahardKnoxlife?DidhetellalotofKnoxKnoxjokes?Wasitshortforsomething?Knoxwell?Knoxathan?
“That’snoneofyourbusiness,Knox.NothingIdoordon’tdoisyourbusiness.Infact,myexistenceisnoneofyourbusiness.Now,kindlygetoutofmyway.”
IfeltlikescreamingasloudasIcouldforaslongasIcould.ButI’dtriedthatacoupleoftimesinthecaronthelongdrivehere,andithadn’thelped.
Thankfully,thebeautifuloafheavedanannoyedsighanddidthedecent,life-preservingthingbygettingoutofmyway.IsweptoutofthecaféandintothesummerswelterwithasmuchdignityasIcouldmuster.
IfTinawantedtomeetupwithme,shecouldfindmeatthemotel.Ididn’tneedtowaitaroundandbeaccostedbystrangerswiththepersonalitiesofcacti.
I’dheadbacktomydingyroom,takeeverylastpinoutofmyhair,andshoweruntilthehotwaterranout.ThenI’dfigureoutwhattodonext.
Itwasasolidplan.Itwasonlymissingonething.
Mycar.
Ohno.Mycarandmypurse.
Thebikerackinfrontofthecoffeeshopwasstillthere.Thelaundromatwithitsbrightpostersinthewindowwasstillacrossthestreetnexttothemechanic’sgarage.
ButmycarwasnotwhereI’dleftit.
TheparkingspotI’dsqueezedintoinfrontofthepetshopwasempty.
Ilookedupanddowntheblock.Buttherewasnosignofmytrusty,dustyVolvo.
“Youlost?”
Iclosedmyeyesandclenchedmyjaw.“Go.Away.”
“Nowwhat’syourproblem?”
IturnedaroundandfoundKnoxwatchingmeintently,holdingato-gocoffeecup.
“What’smyproblem?”Irepeated.
Iwantedtokickhimintheshinsandstealhiscoffee.
“Nothin’wrongwithmyhearing,sweetheart.Noneedtoyell.”
“MyproblemiswhileIwastedfiveminutesofmylifegettingtoknowyou,mycarwastowed.”
“Yousure?”
“No.IneverhaveanyideawhereIparkmycar.IjustleavethemeverywhereandbuynewoneswhenIcan’tfindthem.”
Heshotmealook.
Irolledmyeyes.“Obviously,I’mbeingsarcastic.”IreachedformyphoneonlytorememberInolongerhadaphone.
“WhopissedinyourCheerios?”
“Whoevertaughtyoutoexpressconcernforapersondiditwrong.”Withoutanotherword,IstalkedoffinwhatIhopedwasthedirectionofthelocalpolicestation.
Ididn’tmakeittothenextstorefrontbeforeabig,hardhandlockedaroundmyupperarm.
Itwasthesleepdeprivation,theemotionalrawness,Itoldmyself.ThoseweretheonlyreasonsIfeltthejitteryzingofawarenessathisgrip.
“Stop,”heordered,soundingsurly
“Hands.Off.”Iflailedmyarmawkwardly,buthisgriponlytightened.
“Thenstopwalkingawayfromme.”
Ipausedmyevasiveflailing.“I’llstopwalkingawayifyoustopbeinganasshole.”
Hisnostrilsflaredashestaredupatthesky,andIthoughtIheardhimcounting.
“Areyouseriouslycountingtoten?”Iwastheonewhowaswronged.Iwastheonewithareasontopraytotheheavensforpatience.
Hegotallthewaytotenandstilllookedannoyed.“IfIstopbeinganasshole,willyoustayandtalkforaminute?”
Itookanothersipofcoffeeandthoughtaboutit.“Maybe.”
“I’mlettinggo,”hewarned.
“Great,”Iprompted.
Webothlookeddownathishandonmyarm.Slowlyheloosenedhisgripandreleasedme,butnotbeforehisfingertipstrailedoverthesensitiveskininsidemyarm.
Goosebumpsbrokeout,andIhopedhewouldn’tnotice.Especiallybecause,inmybody,goosebumpsandpointynipplereactionswerecloselyrelated.
“Youcold?”Hisgazewasmostdefinitelynotonmyarmorshouldersbutmychest.
Damnit.“Yes,”Ilied.
“It’seighty-fourdegrees,andyou’redrinkinghotcoffee.”
“Ifyou’refinishedmansplaininginternaltemperature,I’dliketogofindmycar,”Isaid,crossingmyfreearmovermytraitorousboobs.“Perhapsyoucouldpointmeinthedirectionofthenearestimpoundlotorpolicestation?”
Hestaredatmeforalongbeat,thenshookhishead.“Comeonthen.”
“Excuseme?”
“I’llgiveyouaride.”
“Ha!”Ichokedoutalaugh.HewasdelusionalifhethoughtI’dwillinglygetinacarwithhim.
Iwasstillshakingmyheadwhenhespokeagain.“Let’sgo,Daisy.Idon’thaveallday.”TWOARELUCTANTHERO
Knox
ThewomanwasstaringatmelikeI’djustsuggestedsheFrenchkissarattlesnake.
Mydaywasn’tevensupposedtobestartedyet,andithadalreadygonetoshit.Iblamedher.Andherassholesister,Tina.
IalsothrewsomeblameinAgatha’sdirectiontooforgoodmeasure,sinceshe’dbeentheonetotextmethatTinahadjustwalkedher“trouble-makingass”intothecafe.
NowhereIwas,atwhatcountedastheasscrackofdawn,playingtownbouncerlikeanidiotandfightingwithawomanI’dnevermet.
Naomiblinkedatmelikeshewascomingoutofafog.“You’rekiddingme,right?”
Agathaneededtogetherfuckingeyescheckedifshemistookthepissed-offbrunetteforherbleach-blonde,baked-tan,tattooedpain-in-the-asssister.
Thedifferencesbetweenthemwereprettyfuckingobvious,evenwithoutmycontacts.Tina’sfacewasthecolorandtextureofanold-assleathercouch.Shehadahardmouthbracketedbydeepfrownlinesfromsmokingtwopacksadayandfeelingliketheworldowedhersomething.
Naomi,ontheotherhand,wascutfromadifferentcloth.Aclassierone.Shewastalllikehersister.Butinsteadofthecrispyfriedlook,shewentintheDisneyprincessdirectionwiththickhairthecolorofroastedchestnuts.Itandtheflowersinitweretryingtoescapesomekindofelaborateupdo.Herfacewassofter,skinpaler.Fullpinklips.Eyesthatmademethinkofforestfloorsandopenfields.
WhereTinadressedlikeabikerbabewho’dgonethroughawood-chipper,Naomiworehigh-endathleticshortsandamatchingtankoveratonedbodythatpromisedmorethanahandfulofnicesurprises.
Shelookedlikethekindofwomanwho’dtakeonelookatmeandhigh-tailittothesafetyofthefirstgolfshirt-wearingboardmembershecouldfind.
Luckyforher,Ididn’tdodrama.Orhighmaintenance.Ididn’tdodoe-eyedprincessesinneedofsaving.Ididn’twastetimewithwomenwhorequiredmorethanagoodtimeandahandfuloforgasms.
ButsinceI’dalreadystuckmynoseintothesituation,calledhertrash,andyelledather,theleastIcoulddowasbringthesituationtoafastconclusion.ThenIwasheadingbacktobed.
“No.I’mnotfuckingkiddingyou,”Istated.
“I’mnotgoinganywherewithyou.”
“Youdon’thaveacar,”Ipointedout.
“Thankyou,CaptainObvious.IamawareIdon’thaveacar.”
“Letmegetthisstraight.You’reastrangerinanewtown.Yourcardisappears.Andyou’returningdowntheofferofaridebecause…”
“Becauseyoustormedintoacafeandscreamedatme!Thenyouchasedmedownandyou’restillyelling.IgetinacarwithyouandI’mmorelikelytogetchoppedintopiecesandscatteredaboutinadesertthanendupatmydestination.”
“Nodesertshere.Somemountainsthough.”
Herexpressionsuggestedshedidn’tfindmehelpfuloramusing.
Iexhaledthroughmyteeth.“Look.I’mtired.IgotanalertthatTinawascausingtroubleatthecaféagain,andthat’swhatIthoughtIwaswalkinginto.”
Shetookalonghitofcoffeewhilelookingupanddownthestreetlikeshewasdebatingescape.
“Don’teventhinkaboutit,”Itoldher.“You’dspillyourcoffee.”
Whenthoseprettyhazeleyeswentwide,IknewI’dhitthemark.
“Fine.ButonlybecausethisisthebestlatteI’vehadinmyentirelife.Andisthatyourideaofanapology?Becausejustlikethewayyouaskpeopleifsomething’swrong,itsucks.”
“Itwasanexplanation.Takeitorleaveit.”Ididn’twastetimedoingthingsthatdidn’tmatter.Likemakingsmalltalkorapologizing.
AbikeroaredupthestreetwithRobZombieblaringfromthespeakersdespitethefactthatitwasbarelysevena.m.Theguyeyedusandrevvedhisengine.Wraithwasknockingonseventyyearsold,buthestillmanagedtonailanastronomicalamountoftailwiththewholetattooed,silverfoxthinghehadgoingon.
Intrigued,Naomiwatchedhimwithhermouthopen.
TodaywasnotthedayLittleMissDaisiesinHerHairwouldtakeawalkonthewildside.
IgaveWraiththefuckoffnod,snatchedNaomi’spreciouscoffeeoutofherhand,andheadeddownthesidewalk.
“Hey!”
ShegavechaselikeI’dknownshewould.Icouldhavetakenherbythehand,butIwasn’texactlyafanofthereactionI’dhadwhenItouchedher.Itfeltcomplicated.“Shouldhavestayedinfuckingbed,”Imuttered.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”Naomidemanded,joggingtocatchup.Shereachedforhercup,butIhelditjustoutofreachandkeptwalking.
“Ifyoudon’twanttoenduphog-tiedoverthebackofWraith’sbike,thenIsuggestyougetinmytruck.”
Thedisheveledflowerchildmutteredsomeuncomplimentarysoundingthingsaboutmypersonalityandanatomy.
“Look.Ifyoucanstopbein’apaininmyassforfivewholeminutes,I’lltakeyoutothestation.Youcangetyourdamncar,andthenyoucangetoutofmylife.”
“Hasanyoneevertoldyouyouhavethepersonalityofapissed-offporcupine?”
Iignoredherandkeptwalking.
“HowdoIknowyouaren’tgoingtotrytohog-tiemeyourself?”shedemanded.
Icametoastopandgaveheralazyonce-over.“Baby,you’renotmytype.”
Sherolledhereyessoharditwasamiracletheydidn’tpopoutandfalltothesidewalk.“ExcusemewhileIgocrymyselfariver.”
Isteppedoffthecurbandopenedthepassengerdoorofmypickup.“Getin.”
“Yourchivalrysucks,”shecomplained.
“Chivalry?”
“Itmeans—”
“Jesus.Iknowwhatitmeans.”
AndIknewwhatitmeantthatshe’duseitinconversation.Shehadfuckingflowersinherhair.Thewomanwasaromantic.Anotherstrikeagainstherinmybook.Romanticswerethehardestwomentoshakeloose.Thestickyones.Theoneswhopretendedtheycouldhandlethewhole“nostrings”deal.Meanwhile,theyplottedtobecome“theone,”tryingtoconmenintomeetingtheirparentsandsecretlylookingatweddingdresses.
Whenshedidn’tgetinbyherself,Ireachedpastherandputhercoffeeintothecupholder.
“Iamreallynothappywithyourightnow,”shesaid.
ThespacebetweenourbodieswaschargedwiththekindofenergyIusuallyfeltjustbeforeagoodbarfight.Dangerous,adrenalizing.Ididn’tmuchcareforit.
“Getinthedamntruck.”
Consideringitasmallmiraclewhensheactuallyobeyed,Islammedthedooronherscowl.
“Everythingallrightthere,Knox?”BudNickelbeecalledfromthedoorwayofhishardwarestore.HewasdressedinhisusualuniformofbiboverallsandaLedZepplint-shirt.Theponytailhe’dhadforthirtyyearshungdownhisback,thinandgray,makinghimlooklikeaheavier,lessfunnyGeorgeCarlin.
“Allgood,”Iassuredhim.
HisgazeskatedtowardNaomithroughthewindshield.“Callmeifyouneedhelpwiththebody.”
Iclimbedinbehindthewheelandfireduptheengine.
“Awitnesssawmegetinthistruck,soI’dthinklongandhardaboutmurderingmeatthispoint,”shesaid,pointingtoBud,whowasstillwatchingus.
Obviouslyshehadn’theardhiscomment.
“I’mnotmurderingyou,”Isnapped.Yet.
Shewasalreadybuckledin,herlonglegscrossed.Aflip-flopdangledfromhertoesasshejiggledherfoot.Bothherkneeswerebruised,andInoticedarawscrapeonherrightforearm.ItoldmyselfIdidn’twanttoknowandthrewthetruckintoreverse.I’ddumpheratthestation—hopefullyitwasearlyenoughtoavoidwhoIwantedtoavoid—andmakesureshegotherdamncar.IfIwaslucky,Icouldstillgrabanotherhourofshut-eyebeforeIhadtoofficiallystartmyday.
“Youknow,”shebegan,“ifoneofusshouldbemadattheother,it’sme.Idon’tevenknowyou,andhereyouareyellinginmyface,gettingbetweenmeandmycoffee,andthenpracticallyabductingme.Youhavenoreasontobeupset.”
“Youhavenoidea,sweetheart.I’vegotplentyofreasonstobepissed,andalotoftheminvolveyourwaste-of-spacesister.”
“Tinamaynotbethenicestofpeople,butthatdoesn’tgiveyoutherighttobesuchanass.She’sstillfamily,”Naomisniffed.
“Iwouldn’tapplythelabel‘people’toyoursister.”Tinawasamonsterofthefirstdegree.Shestole.Shelied.Shepickedfights.Dranktoomuch.Showeredtoolittle.Andhadnoregardforanyoneelse.Allbecauseshethoughttheworldowedher.
“Listen,whoeverthehellyouare.Theonlypeoplewhocantalkaboutherlikethatareme,ourparents,andtheAndersontownHighgraduatingclassof2003.AndmaybealsotheAndersontownFireDepartment.Butthat’sbecausetheyearnedtheright.Youhaven’t,andIdon’tneedyoutakingyourproblemswithmysisteroutonme.”
“Whatever,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.
Wedrovetherestofthewayinsilence.TheKnockemoutPoliceDepartmentsatbackafewblocksfromMainStreetandsharedanewbuildingwiththetown’spubliclibrary.Justseeingitmadethemuscleundermyeyetwitch.
Intheparkinglotwasapickuptruck,acruiser,andaHarleyFatBoy.Therewasnosignofthechief’sSUV.ThankChristforsmallmiracles.
“Comeon.Let’sgetthisoverwith.”
“There’snoneedforyoutocomein,”Naomisniffed.Shewaseyeingheremptycoffeewithpuppydogeyes.
Onagrowl,Ishovedmyownmostlyuntouchedcoffeeather.“I’mgettingyoutothedesk,makingsurethey’vegotyourcar,andthenneverseeingyouagain.”
“Fine.ButI’mnotsayingthankyou.”
Ididn’tbotherreplyingbecauseIwastoobusystormingtowardthefrontdoorandignoringthebiggoldlettersaboveit.
“TheKnoxMorganMunicipalBuilding.”
IpretendedIdidn’thearherandlettheglassdoorswingclosedbehindme.
“IstheremorethanoneKnoxinthistown?”sheasked,wrenchingthedooropenandfollowingmeinside.
“No,”Isaid,hopingthatwouldputanendtoquestionsIdidn’twanttofuckinganswer.Thebuildingwasrelativelynewwithashit-tonofglass,widehallways,andthatfreshpaintsmell.
“Soit’syournameonthebuilding?”shepressed,joggingagaintokeepupwithme.
“Guessso.”Iyankedopenanotherdoorontherightandgesturedforhertogoinside.
Knockemout’scopshoplookedmorelikeoneofthoseco-workinghangoutsthaturbanhipsterslikedthananactualpolicestation.Ithadannoyedtheboysandgirlsinbluewhohadtakenprideintheirmoldy,crumblingbunkerwithitsflickeringfluorescentlightsandcarpetstainedfromdecadesofcriminals.
TheirannoyanceatthebrightpaintandslicknewofficefurniturewastheonlythingIdidn’thateaboutit.
TheKnockemoutPDdidtheirbesttorediscovertheirroots,pilingprecioustowersofcasefoldersontopofadjustable-heightbamboodesksandbrewingtoocheap,toostrongcoffee24/7.Therewasaboxofstaledonutsopenonthecounterandpowderedsugarfingerprintseverywhere.ButsofarnothinghadtakentheshineoffthenewnessofthefuckingKnoxMorganBuilding.
SergeantGraveHopperwasbehindhisdeskstirringhalfapoundofsugarintohiscoffee.Areformedmotorcycleclubmember,henowspenthisweeknightscoachinghisdaughter’ssoftballteamandhisweekendsmowinglawns.Hisandhismother-in-law’s.Butonceayear,he’dpackuphiswifeonthebackofhisbike,andoffthey’dgotorelivetheirglorydaysontheopenroad.
Hespottedmeandmyguestandnearlyupendedtheentiremugalloverhimself.
“What’sgoin’on,Knox?”Graveasked,nowopenlystaringatNaomi.
ItwasnosecretaroundtownthatIhadaslittletodowiththePDaspossible.Italsowasn’texactlynewsthatTinawasthekindoftroublethatIdidn’ttolerate.
“ThisisNaomi.Tina’stwin,”Iexplained.“Shejustgotintotownandsayshercarwastowed.Yougotitoutback?”
KnockemoutPDusuallyhadmoreimportantthingstoworryaboutthanparkingandletitscitizensparkwhereverthehelltheywanted,whentheywanted,aslongasitwasn’tdirectlyonthesidewalk.
“Immacomebacktothatwholetwinsisterthing,”Gravewarned,pointinghiscoffeestirreratus.“Butfirst,it’sjustmeinsofartoday,andIain’ttowedshit.”
Fuck.Ishovedahandthroughmyhair.
“Ifyoudidn’t,doyouhaveanyideawhoelsewouldhave?”Naomiaskedhopefully.
Sure.Iswoopintosavethedayanddriveherdownhere,butgrizzledGravewastheonewhogotthesmileandsweetwords.
Grave,thebastard,washangingonhereveryword,smilingatherlikeshewasaseven-layerchocolatecake.
“Wellnow,Tin—ImeanNaomi,”Gravebegan.“WayIseeit,there’stwothingsthatcouldahappened.A—Youforgotwhereyouparked.Butagallikeyouinatownthissmall,thatdon’tseemlikely.”
“No,itdoesn’t,”sheagreedamicablywithoutcallinghimCaptainObvious.
“OrB—Someonestoleyourcar.”
Ikissedmyhourofsleepgood-bye.
“IparkedrightinfrontofthepetshopbecauseitwasclosetothecafewhereIwassupposedtomeetmysister.”
Graveslidmealook,andInodded.Besttojustgetthispartoverwith,likerippingoffadamnbandage.
“SoTinaknewyouwerecomingintotown,knewwhereyou’dbe?”heclarified.
Naomiwasn’tpickingupwhathewasputtingdown.Shenodded,allwide-eyedandhopeful.“Yes.Shecalledmelastnight.SaidshewasinsomekindoftroubleandneededmetomeetheratCaféRevatseventhismorning.”
“Wellnow,sweetheart,”Gravehemmed.“Idon’twanttocastaspersions,ofcourse.Butisitpossible—”
“Yourassholesisterstoleyourcar,”Iinterjected.
Naomi’shazeleyesslicedtome.Shedidn’tlooksweetorhopefulnow.No.Shelookedlikeshewantedtocommitamisdemeanor.Maybeevenafelony.
“I’mafraidKnoxhereisright,”Gravesaid.“Yoursister’sbeencausingtroublesinceshegotintotownayearago.Thisprobablyain’tthefirstcarshe’shelpedherselfto.”
Naomi’snostrilsflareddelicately.Shebroughtmycoffeetohermouth,drankitdowninafewdeterminedgulps,thentossedtheemptycupintothewastebasketbythedesk.“Thankyouforyourhelp.IfyouseeablueVolvowithaNiceMattersbumpersticker,pleaseletmeknow.”
Christ.
“Don’tsupposeyou’vegotoneofthoseappsonyourphonethat’lltellyouwhereyourcaris,doya?”Graveasked.
Shereachedforherpocket,thenstoppedandsqueezedhereyesshutforabeat.“Idid.”
“Butyoudon’tnomore?”
“Idon’thaveaphone.Mine,uh,brokelastnight.”
“That’sallright.Icanputacalloutsoofficerswillbeonthelookoutifyougivemethelicenseplate,”Gravesaid,helpfullyshovingapieceofpaperandpeninherdirection.
Shetookthemandstartedtowriteinneat,swoopycursive.
“Youcouldleaveyourcontactinfotoo,whereyou’restayingandsuch,someorNashcanupdateyou.”
Thenamesetmyteethonedge.
“Happyto,”Naomisaid,soundinganythingbut.
“Uh.Yougotmaybeahusbandorboyfriendwhosecontactinfoyoucanadd?”
Iglaredathim.
Naomishookherhead.“No.”
“Maybeagirlfriendorwife?”hetriedagain.
“I’msingle,”shesaid,soundingjustunsureenoughthatmycuriositypiqued.
“Imaginethat.So’sourchief,”Gravesaid,asinnocentasasix-foot-tallbikerwitharapsheetcouldsound.
“CanwegetbacktothepartwhereyoutellNaomiyou’llbeintouchifyoufindhercar,whichweallknowyouwon’t,”Isnapped.
“Well,notwiththatattitude,wewon’t,”shechided.
ThiswasthelastfuckingtimeIwasridingtotherescueofanyone.Itwasn’tmyjob.Wasn’tmyresponsibility.Andnowitwascostingmesleep.
“Howlongareyouintown?”heaskedasNaomiscrawledherinformationonthepaper.
“Onlyaslongasittakestofindandmurdermysister,”shesaid,cappingthepenandslidingthepaperback.“Thankyousomuchforyourhelp,Sergeant.”
“Mypleasure.”
Sheturnedtolookupatme.Ourgazesheldforabeat.“Knox.”
“Naomi.”
Withthat,shesweptrightonoutofthestation.
“Howcantwosisterslookthatmuchalikeandhavenothingelseincommon?”Gravewondered.
“Idon’twanttoknow,”Isaidhonestlyandheadedoutsideafterher.
Ifoundherpacingandmutteringtoherselfinfrontofthewheelchairramp
“What’syourplan?”Iaskedinresignation.
Shelookedatmeandherlipspuckered.“Plan?”sherepeated,hervoicecracking.
Myfightorflightinstinctskickedin.Ifuckinghatedtears.Especiallytearsofthefemalepersuasion.AcryingwomanmademefeellikeIwasbeingrippedtoshredsfromtheinsideout,aweaponI’dnevermakepublicknowledge.
“Donotcry,”Iordered.
Hereyesweredamp.“Cry?I’mnotgoingtocry.”
Shewasashitliar.
“Don’tfuckingcry.It’sjustacar,andshe’sjustapieceofshit.Neither’sworthcryingover.”
Sheblinkedrapidly,andIcouldn’ttellifshewasgoingtocryoryellatmeagain.Butshesurprisedmebydoingneither.Shestraightenedhershouldersandnodded.“You’reright.It’sjustacar.Icangetreplacementcreditcards,anewpurse,andanotherstashofhoneymustarddippingsauces.”
“Tellmewhereyouneedtogo,andI’lldropyou.Youcangetarentalandbeonyourway.”Ijerkedmythumbtowardmytruck.
Shelookedupanddownthestreetagain,probablyhopingforsomesuit-and-tie-wearingherotoappear.Whennonedid,shesighed.“Igotaroomatthemotel.”
Therewasonlyonemotelintown.Asingle-story,one-starshitholethatdidn’twarrantanofficialname.Iwasimpressedshe’dactuallycheckedin.
Wewalkedbacktomytruckinsilence.Hershoulderbrushedmyarm,makingmyskinfeellikeitwasheatingup.Iopenedherdooragainforher.NotbecauseIwasagentlemanbutbecausesomeperversepartofmelikedbeingclose.
Iwaiteduntilshe’dbeltedinbeforeshuttingthedoorandroundingthetruck.“Honeymustarddippingsauces?”
SheglancedatmeasIslidinbehindthewheel.“Youhearaboutthatguywhodrovethroughaguardrailinthewinterafewyearsback?”
Itsoundedvaguelyfamiliar.
“Heatenothingbutketchuppacketsforthreedays.”
“Youplanondrivingthroughaguardrail?”
“No.ButIliketobeprepared.AndIdon’tlikeketchup.”THREEAPINT-SIZEDCRIMINAL
Naomi
“Whatroomareyouin?”Knoxasked.Irealizedwewerealreadybackatthemotel.
“Why?”Iaskedwithsuspicion.
HeexhaledslowlyasifIwereonhislastnerve.“SoIcandropyouatyourdoor.”
Oh.“Nine.”
“Youleaveyourdooropen?”heaskedasecondlater,hismouthtight.
“Yeah.That’sthewayit’sdoneonLongIsland,”Ideadpanned.“It’showweshowourneighborswetrustthem.”
Hegavemeanotheroneofthoselong,frownylooks.
“No.OfcourseIdidn’tleaveitopen.Iclosedandlockedit.”
Hepointedtowardnumbernine.
Mydoorwasajar.
“Oh.”
Heputthetruckinparkwhereitsatinthemiddleofthelotwithmoreforcethannecessary.“Stayhere.”
Iblinkedasheclimbedoutandstalkedtowardmyroom.
Mywearyeyesweredrawntotheviewofthosewornjeansclingingtoaspectacularbuttashestalkedtowardmydoor.Hypnotizedforafewofhislongstrides,ittookmeahotminutetorememberexactlywhatI’dleftinthatroomandhowverymuchIdidn’twantKnox,ofallpeople,toseeit.
“Wait!”Ijumpedoutofthetruckandranafterhim,buthedidn’tstop,didn’tevenslowdown.
Iturnedonthespeedinalast-ditcheffortandjumpedinfrontofhim.HewalkedrightintothehandIheldup.
“Getyourassoutofmyway,Naomi,”heordered.
WhenIdidn’tcomply,hebroughtahandtomystomachandwalkedmebackwarduntilIwasstandinginfrontofRoom8.
Ididn’tknowwhatitsaidaboutmethatIreallylikedhishandthere.“Youdon’thavetogointhere,”Iinsisted.“I’msureit’sjusthousekeeping.”
“Thisplacelooklikeithashousekeeping?”
Hehadapoint.Themotellookedlikeitshouldgiveouttetanusshotsinsteadofminibottlesofshampoo.
“Stay,”hesaidagain,thenstalkedbacktomyopendoor.
“Shit,”Iwhisperedwhenheshoveditopen.Ilastedalloftwosecondsbeforefollowinghiminside.
Theroomhadbeenunappealing,tosaytheleast,whenI’dcheckedinlessthananhourago.
Theorangeandbrownwallpaperwaspeelinginlongstrips.Thecarpetwasadarkgreenthatfeltlikeitwasmadeoutofthescrubbysideofadishsponge.ThebathroomfixtureswerePeptoBismolpink,andtheshowerwasmissingseveraltiles.
Butitwastheonlyoptionwithintwentymiles,andI’dfiguredIcouldroughitforanightortwo.Besides,I’dthoughtatthetime,howbadcoulditbe?
Apparentlyprettyfreakingbad.BetweenthetimeI’dcheckedin,stowedmysuitcase,pluggedinmylaptop,andlefttomeetTina,someonehadbrokeninandransackedtheroom.
Mysuitcasewasupendedonthefloor,someofitscontentsstrewnalloverthecarpet.
Thedresserdrawerswerepulledout,closetdoorsleftopen.
Mylaptopwasmissing.SowasthezipperedpouchofcashI’dhiddeninmysuitcase.
“Sucker”wasscrawledacrossthebathroomvanitymirrorinmyfavoritelipstick.Ironically,thethingIdidn’twantmygrumpyVikingtosee,thethingthatwasworthmorethanwhateverelsehadbeenstolen,wasstillthereinacrumpledheapinthecorner.
Worstofall,theperpetratorwassittingonthebed,dirtysneakerstangledinaclumpofsheets.Shewaswatchinganaturaldisastermovie.Iwasn’tgoodatguessingages,butIputhersolidlyintheChild/Pre-Teencategory.
“Hey,Way,”Knoxsaidgrimly.
Thegirl’sblueeyesflittedawayfromthescreentolandonhimbeforereturningtotheTV.“Hey,Knox.”
Itwasasmalltown.Ofcoursethetowngrumpandthechildfelonkneweachother.
“Okay,look,”Isaid,side-steppingKnoxtostandinfrontofthethinginthecornerthatIreallydidn’twanttoexplain.“Idon’tknowifchildlaborlawsaredifferentinVirginia.ButIaskedforanextrapillow,nottoberobbedbyapint-sizedcriminal.”
Thegirlsparedmeaglance.
“Where’syourmom?”Knoxasked,ignoringme.
Anothershrug.“Gone,”shesaid.“Who’syourfriend?”
“That’dbeyourAuntNaomi.”
Shedidn’tlookimpressed.I,ontheotherhand,probablylookedlikeI’djustbeenshotoutofacannontowardabrickwall.
“Aunt?”Irepeated,shakingmyheadinhopesthatitwouldfixmyhearing.Anotherwiltedflowerpetalfelloutofwhatwasleftofmyupdoandflittedtothefloor.
“Thoughtyouweredead,”thegirlsaid,studyingmewithvagueinterest.“Nicehair.”
“Aunt?”Isaidagain.
Knoxturnedtome.“WaylayisTina’skid,”Knoxexplainedslowly.
“Tina?”Iparrotedonacroak.
“Lookslikeyoursisterhelpedherselftoyourstuff,”heobserved.
“Saidmostofitwasshit,”thegirlsaid.
Iblinkedrapidly.Notonlyhadmysisterstolenmycar,she’dalsobrokenintomyhotelroom,ransackedit,andleftbehindthenieceIdidn’tknowexisted.
“Sheokay?”Waylayasked,nottakinghereyesoffthetornadothatreturnedtothescreen.
“She”wasprobablyme.AndIwasmostdefinitelynotokay.
Igrabbedapillowoffthebed.“Willyoutwopleaseexcuseme?”Isqueaked.
Withoutwaitingforananswer,IhauledassoutthedoorintothehotVirginiasunshine.Birdswerechirping.Twomotorcyclesdroveby,theirenginesadeafeningroar.Acrossthestreet,anoldercoupleclimbedoutofapickuptruckandheadedintothedinerforbreakfast.
Howcouldthingshavetheaudacitytolooksonormalwhenmyentirelifehadjustimploded?
Iheldthepillowtomyfaceandletloosethescreamthathadbeenbuilding.
Thoughtsflewthroughmybrainlikeaturbo-chargedspincycle.Warnerwasright.Peopledidn’tchange.Mysisterwasstillaterriblehumanbeing,andIwasstillna?veenoughtofallforherlies.Mycarwasgonealongwithmypurseandmylaptop.NottomentionthemoneyI’dbroughtforTina.Asoflastnight,Ihadnojob.Iwasn’tonmywaytoParis,whichhadbeentheplanameretwenty-fourhoursago.MyfamilyandfriendsthoughtI’dlostmydamnmind.Myfavoritelipstickhadbeenruinedonabathroommirror.AndIhadaniecewhoseentirechildhoodI’dmissedouton.
Isuckedinanotherbreathandletoutonefinalscreamforgoodmeasurebeforeloweringthepillow.
“Okay.Youcanfigurethisout.Youcanfixthis.”
“Aboutdonewithyourpeptalk?”
IwhirledaroundandfoundKnoxleaningagainstthedoorframe,tattooedarmscrossedoverhisbroadchest.
“Yep,”Isaid,squaringmyshoulders.“Howoldisshe?”
“Eleven.”
Nodding,Ishovedthepillowathimandmarchedbackintotheroom.
“So,Waylay,”Ibegan.
Therewasafamilyresemblanceintheupturnednose,thedimpleinthechin.Shehadthesamecolt-likelegshermotherandIhadatthatage.
“So,AuntNaomi.”
“Didyourmomsaywhenshe’dbeback?”
“Nope.”
“Wheredoyouandyourmomlive,honey?”Iasked.
MaybeTinawastherenow,goingthroughherhaul,figuringoutwhatwasworthkeepingandwhatshewantedtoruinjustforthefunofit.
“OverinHillsideAcres,”sheanswered,lookingaroundmetogetabetterviewofthetornadotossingupcowsonthescreen.
“Needaminute,”Knoxannouncedandnoddedtowardthedoor.
Ihadallthedamntimeintheworldapparently.Allthetimeandnotasinglecluewhattodo.Nonextstep.Noto-dolistquantifyingandorganizingmyworldintonice,neatlineitems.Justacrisisontopofahotmessontopofadumpsterfire.
“Sure,”Isaid,soundingonlymildlyhysterical.
HewaiteduntilIpassedhimbeforesteppingoutafterme.WhenIstopped,hekeptwalkingtowardthefadedsodamachineoutsidethefrontoffice.
“Youseriouslywantmetobuyyouasodarightnow?”Iasked,flummoxed.
“No.I’mtryingtogetoutofearshotofthekidwhodoesn’trealizeshe’sbeenabandoned,”hesnapped.
Ifollowedhim.“MaybeTina’scomingback,”Isaid.
Hestoppedandturnedtofaceme.“WaysaysTinadidn’ttellheranything.Justthatshehadsomethingtotakecareofandshe’dbegonealongtime.”
Alongtime?WhatthehellwasalongtimeinTinatime?Aweekend?Aweek?Amonth?
“OhmyGod.Myparents.”Thiswasgoingtodevastatethem.AsifwhatI’ddoneyesterdaywasn’tupsettingenough.I’dmanagedtoassurethemlastnightonahighwayinPennsylvaniathatIwasfineanddefinitelynotgoingthroughsomekindofmid-lifecrisis.AndI’dmadethempromisenottochangetheirplansforme.They’dleftfortheirthree-weekMediterraneancruisethismorning.Thefirstbig,internationalvacationthey’devertakentogether.
Ididn’twantmyproblemsorTina’sdisasterruiningit.
“Whatdoyouintendtodowiththatkidinthere?”Knoxnoddedtowardtheopendoor.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Naomi,whenthecopsfindoutTina’sgoneandleftWaylaybehind,it’sstraightintofostercare.”
Ishookmyhead.“I’mherclosestlivingrelativewhoisn’tacriminal.I’mresponsibleforher.”JustlikeallofTina’sothermessesuntilwe’dturnedeighteen.
Hegavemealong,hardlook.“Justlikethat?”
“She’sfamily.”Besides.Itwasn’tlikeIhadawholelotgoingonatthemoment.Iwasbasicallyadrift.Forthefirsttimeinmyentirelife,Ididn’thaveaplan.
Andthatscaredthecrapoutofme.
“Family,”hesnortedasifmyreasoningwasn’tsound.
“Listen.Thankyou,Knox,foralloftheshoutingandtheridesandthecoffee.Butasyoucansee,I’vegotasituationtohandle.Soit’sprobablybestforyoutogoonbacktowhatevercaveyoucrawledoutofthismorning.”
“I’mnotgoin’anywhere.”
Wewerebacktoglaringateachother,thesilencecharged.Thistimehebrokefirst.
“Quitstallin’,Daisy.Whatareyougonnado?”
“Daisy?”
Hereachedupandpluckedaflowerpetaloutofmyhairwithtwofingers.
IbattedhishandawayandtookastepbacksoIcouldthink.“Okay.FirstIneedto…”Definitelynotcallmyparents.AndIdidn’treallywanttogetthepoliceinvolved—again—ifIdidn’thaveto.WhatifTinashowedupinanhour?MaybethefirstthingIneededtodowasgetmorecoffee.
“Callthedamncopsandreportthebreak-inandthechildabandonment,”Knoxsaid.
“She’smysister.Besides,whatifsheshowsupinanhour?”
“Shestoleyourcarandabandonedherkid.Thatdoesn’tearnafuckingpass.”
Thetattooed,grouchybearofamanwasright.Ireallydidn’tlikethatabouthim.
“Argh!Fine.Okay.Letmethink.CanIborrowyourphone?”
Hestoodtherestaringatme,unmoving.
“ForPete’ssake.I’mnotgoingtostealit.Ijustneedtomakeaquickcall.”
Onalong-sufferingsigh,hereachedintohispocketandpulledouthisphone.
“Thankyou,”Isaidpointedly,thenstompedbackintomymotelroom.Waylaywasstillwatchinghermovie,nowwithherhandsstackedbehindherhead.
Idugthroughmysuitcasetofindanotebookandwentbackoutside.
“Youkeepanotebookofphonenumberswithyou?”
Knoxwaspeeringovermyshoulder.
Ishushedhimanddialed.
“Thehelldoyouwant?”
Mysister’svoicealwaysmanagedtomakemecringeinwardly.
“Anexplanationforstarters,”Isnapped.“Whereareyou?”
“Whereareyou?”shemimickedmeinahigh-pitchedMuppetvoicethatI’dalwayshated.
Iheardaprolongedexhale.
“Areyousmokinginmycar?”
“Lookslikeit’smycarnow.”
“Youknowwhat?Forgetthecar.Wehavebiggerthingstodiscuss.Youhaveadaughter!Adaughteryouabandonedinamotelroom.”
“Gotshittodo.Can’thaveakidholdingmebackforthenextwhile.Gotsomethingbigintheworks.WhyyathinkInamedherWaylay?FiguredshecouldhangoutwithherAuntGoodyTwo-ShoestillIgetback.”
IwassomadIcouldonlysputter.
Knoxsnatchedthephonefrommyear.“Youlistenandyoulistengood,Tina.You’vegotexactlythirtyminutestogetbackhere,orI’mcallin’thedamncops.”
Iwatchedashisfacegotharder,hisjawtighter,showingofflittlehollowsunderhischeekbones.HiseyeswentsocoldIshivered.
“Asalways,you’rearealfuckin’idiot,”hesaid.“Justremember,nexttimeyougetpickedupbythecops,you’llhavewarrants.Thatmeansyourstupidasswillbesittin’behindbars,andIdon’tseeanyonerushin’tobailyouout.”
Hepausedforamomentandthensaid,“Yeah.Fuckyoutoo.”
Hesworeagainandloweredhisphone
“Howexactlydoyouandmysisterknoweachother?”Iwonderedoutloud.
“Tina’sbeenapainineveryone’sasssincesheblewintotownayearago.Alwayslookin’foraneasybuck.Triedacoupleofslipandfallschemesonsomeofthelocalbusinesses,includingyourpalJustice.Everytimeshegetsalittlemoneyinherpocket,she’srip-roarin’drunkandwreakinghavocallovertown.Pettyshit.Vandalism.”
Yeah,thatsoundedlikemysister.
“Whatdidshesay?”Iasked,notreallywantingtheanswer.
“Saidshedoesn’tgiveashitifwecallthecops.She’snotcomin’back.”
“Didshesaythat?”I’dalwayswantedkids.Butnotlikethis.Notjumpinginonestepshyofpubertywhentheformativeyearswerealreadygone.
“Saidshe’dbebackwhenshefeltlikeit,”hesaid,thumbingthroughhisphone.
Somethingsneverchanged.Mysisterhadalwaysmadeherownrules.Asaninfant,she’dsleptalldayandstayedupallnight.Asatoddler,shewaskickedoutofthreedaycaresforbiting.Andoncewehitschoolage,well,itwasawholenewballgameofrebellion.
“Whatareyoudoing?”IaskedKnoxashebroughtthephonebackuptohisear.
“LastthingIwantto,”hedrawled
“Buyingticketstotheballet?”Ihypothesized.
Hedidn’tanswer,juststrodeintotheparkinglotwithrigidshoulders.Icouldn’thearexactlywhathewassaying,buttherewerealotoffuckyousandkissmyasses.
Iadded“phoneetiquette”tothegrowinglistofthingsKnoxMorganwasbadat.
Hereturnedlookingevenangrier.Ignoringme,heproducedawalletandfishedoutafewbills,thenfedthemintothesodamachine.
“Whatdoyouwant?”hemuttered.
“Uh.Water,please.”
HepunchedthebuttonsharderthanIthoughtnecessary.AndabottleofwaterandtwoYellowLightningsfelloutontotheground.
“Here.”Heshovedthewateratmeandheadedbacktotheroom.
“Uh.Thanks?”Icalledafterhim.
IdebatedforaboutthirtysecondswhetherornotIshouldjuststartwalkinguntilIfoundanewrealitythatwaslessterrible.Butitwasjustamentalexercise.TherewasnowayIcouldwalkaway.Ihadanewresponsibility.Andwiththatresponsibilitywouldcomesomesenseofpurpose.Probably.
IreturnedtomyroomandfoundKnoxexaminingthelockonthedoor.“Nofinesse,”hecomplained.
“Toldhersheshould’vepickedit,”Waylaysaid,crackingopenhersoda.
“It’sbarelyeightinthemorning,andyougaveherasoda,”IhissedatKnoxasIresumedmysentrystanceinfrontofthemoundinthecorner.
Helookedatme,thenbeyondme.NervouslyIspreadmyarmsandtriedtoblockhisview.
“Thatsomekindoftablecloth?”heasked,peeringpastme.
“Weddingdress,”Waylayannounced.“Momsaiditwasuglyashell.”
“Yeah,well,Tinawouldn’tknowgoodtasteifithitherovertheheadwithaBirkinbag,”Isaid,feelingdefensive.
“DoesthatdressmeanIhaveanuncleouttheresomewhere?”sheasked,noddingatthepileoflaceandunderskirtthathadoncemademefeellikeafairyprincessbutnowonlymademefeellikeafool.
“No,”Isaidfirmly.
Knox’seyebrowsraisedfractionally.“Youjustdecidedtotakeaweddingdressonaroadtrip?”
“Ireallydon’tseehowthisisanyofyourbusiness,”Itoldhim.
“Hair’sdoneuplikeshewasgoingsomeplacefancy,”Waylaymused,eyeingme.
“Surelooksthatway,Way,”Knoxagreed,crossinghisarmsoverhischestandlookingamused.
Ididnotlikethetwoofthemgangingupagainstme.
“Let’sworrylessaboutmyhairandadressthanwhatwe’regoingtodonext,”Isuggested.“Waylay,didyourmomsayanythingaboutwhereshewasgoing?”
Thegirl’seyeszeroedbackonthescreen.Herslimshouldersshrugged.“Dunno.JustsaidIwasyourproblemnow.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosaytothat.ThankfullyIdidn’thavetoanswerbecauseabriskknockhadallthreeofuslookingattheopendoor.
Themanstandinginitmademesuckinalittlebreath.Knockemoutsuregrewthemhot.Hewasdressedinaspotlessdarkblueuniformwithaveryshinybadge.Therewasanicelayerofstubbleaccentuatingastrongjaw.Hisshouldersandchestwerebroad,hipsandwaisttapered.Hishairwasclosetoblond.Therewassomethingfamiliarabouthiseyes.
“Knox,”hesaid.
“Nash.”Histonewasascoldashiseyes.
“Hey,Way,”thenewcomersaid.
Waylaygavethemanaheadnod.“Chief.”
Hiseyescametome.
“Youcalledthepolice?”IsqueakedatKnox.Mysisterwasaterribleperson,andIwasdefinitelygoingtoletherknowthat.ButcallingthepolicefeltsofinalFOUR“YOU’RENOTSTAYINGHERE.”
Naomi
“YoumustbeNaomi,”thecopsaid.
Imighthavebeenmid-panicattack,butIkindoflikedthewayhesaidmynameinafriendlydrawl.
Knoxapparentlydidnotlikeitbecausehewassuddenlyplacinghismuscledbulkdirectlyinfrontofme,feetplantedwide,armscrossed.
“Iam,”Isaid,peeringaroundKnox.Theoafdidn’tbudgewhenInudgedhimintheback.
ThemanlookedbacktoKnox,andwhateverhesawtherehadhimgrinning.
“I’mchiefofpolicearoundhere,butyoucancallmeNash.It’srealnicetomeetyou,Naomi.Sorryit’sunderthesecircumstances.MindifIaskyouafewquestions?”
“Um.Okay,”Isaid,suddenlywishingIwouldhavetakenamomenttowashmyfaceandfixmyhair.Iprobablylookedlikeaderanged,zombiebridesmaid.
“Whydon’twehaveourselvesachatoutintheparkinglot,”Nashsaidwithajerkofhishead.
Waylay’sattentionwasbackonthemovieasshesippedlimegreensugar.
“Sure.”IfollowedhimoutandwassurprisedwhenKnoxjoinedus.HeheadedrightovertoNash’sSUV,whichreadKnockemoutPolicedowntheside,andleanedbelligerentlyagainstthehood.
“You’renotnecessaryforthispart,”Nashtoldhim.
Knoxbaredhisteeth.“Youwantmetoleave,gonnahavetomakeme.”
“I’msorry.He’sbeenlikethisallmorning,”IexplainedtoNash.
“Honey,he’sbeenlikethishisentirelife,”thechiefcountered.
Itdidn’thitmeuntiltheyturnedidenticalglaresoneachother.“You’rebrothers,aren’tyou?”
“Noshit,”Knoxgrumbled.
“Sureare,”Nashsaid,turninghisfullwattagegrinonme.“I’mthegoodone.”
“Justdoyourfuckingjob,”Knoxsaid.
“Oh,nowyouwantmetodomyjob.YoucanseehowI’dbeconfusedsince—”
“Gentlemen,”Icutin.Thiswasgoingnowherefast.Ididn’thavetheenergytodiffusethetensionbetweenthebrothers,andwehadmoreimportantconcerns.“Idon’tmeantooverstep.Butcanwegettothepartaboutmysister?”Isuggested.
“Ithinkthat’safineidea,Naomi,”Nashsaid,winkingashepulledoutanotebook.
Knoxgrowled.
“Let’sgetyourstatement,andthenwe’llfigureoutwhatneedstohappennext.”
Amanwithaplanandasmile.Hewascertainlymorepleasantthanhisbrother.
***
“You’resayingIcanjusttakepossessionofahumanbeing?”Iclarifiedafewminuteslater.Ireallyneededmorecoffee.Mycognitiveabilitieswerefadingfast.
“Well,Iwouldn’tadviseonreferringtoitas‘takingpossession.’ButinVirginia,kinshipcareisawayforkidstostaywithafamilymemberasguardianwhentheycan’tbewiththeirownparents.”
Imighthavebeenimaginingit,butIthoughtIsawaguardedlookpassbetweenthebrothers.
“SoIwouldbecomeWaylay’sguardian?”
Thingsweremovingsofast.Onesecond,Iwasgettingreadytowalkdowntheaisle.Thenext,Iwassuddenlyinchargeofdecidingthefutureofaneleven-year-oldstranger.
Nashsweptahandthroughhisthickhair.“Temporarily.You’reobviouslyastable,healthyadult.
“WhathappensifIdon’t?”Ihedged.
“JuvenileandDomesticRelationswillplaceWaylayinafosterhome.Ifyou’vegotnoproblemsstayingintownforafewweekswhilewefigurethingsout,thelaw’sgotnoissuewithWaylaystayingwithyou.Ifthingsworkout,youcanevenmakeitpermanent.”
“Okay.”Inervouslywipedmyhandsonthebackofmyshorts.“Whatthingsarewegoingtobefiguringout?”Iasked.
“Mainlywhatyoursisterisuptoandwhatthatmeansforguardianship.”
“I’minbigtrouble.Ineedmoney,Naomi.”
Ibitmylip.“Shecalledmelastnight.Saidsheneededhelpandwantedmetobringcash.Doyouthinkshe’sinactualdanger?”
“Howaboutthis?YoufocusonWaylayandletmeworryaboutyoursister,”Nashadvised.
Iappreciatedthetheory,butinmyexperiencetheonlywaytomakesureamesswascleanedtomysatisfactionwastodothecleaningmyself.
“Didyoubringcash?”Knoxasked,hiseyesonme.
Ilookeddownatmyfeet,feelingstupidandembarrassed.Iknewbetter.“Idid.”
“Shegetit?”
IfocusedonNash’sfacesinceitwasfriendlier.“IthoughtIwasbeingsmart.Ihadhalfofitinthecarandlefttheotherhalfinmysuitcase.”
Nashlookedsympathetic.Knox,ontheotherhand,grumbledsomethingunderhisbreath.
“Well,IguessI’dbettergetbackinthereandintroducemyselfproperlytomyniece,”Isaid.“Pleasekeepmeposted.”
“You’renotstayinghere.”
ThisproclamationcamefromKnox.
Ithrewmyhandsup.“Ifmypresencebothersyouthatmuch,whydon’tyoutakeanextendedvacation?”
Iflookscouldboilblood,minewouldhaveturnedtomagma.
“You’renotstayinghere,”herepeated.Thistimehepointedtotheflimsydoorwiththebustedlock.
Oh.That.
“I’msureIcancomeupwithasolution,”Isaidbrightly.“Chief—”
“CallmeNash,”heinsistedagain.
Knoxlookedlikehewantedtoshovehisbrother’sheadthroughthealreadydamageddoor.
“Nash,”Isaid,turningupthecharm.“DoyouknowwhereWaylayandIcouldstayforafewnights?”
Knoxpulledouthisphoneandgloweredatthescreenashisthumbsmovedaggressivelyoverit.
“IcouldgiveyoutwoaridetoTina’splace.It’snotexactlyhomey,butshe’salotlesslikelytobreakinandbustupherownstuff,”heoffered
Knoxstowedhisphoneinhispocket.Hisgazefastenedonme,andtherewassomethingsmugabouthisexpressionthatmademeirrationallyirritated.
“Thatissoniceofyou.Ican’ttellyouhowmuchIappreciateyourhelp,”ItoldNash.“I’msureKnoxhasmuchbetterthingstodothanspendanymoretimeinmyvicinity.”
“Mypleasure,”Nashinsisted.
“I’lljustpackupwhat’sleftofmythingsandtellWaylaywherewe’regoing,”Idecidedandstartedbacktotheroom.
Myreliefatfinallybeingfreeofthebad-tempered,tattooedKnoxwasinterruptedbyathunderousrumble.
Amotorcyclewithamanthesizeofabearpriortohibernationrocketeddownthestreetataspeedthatwasdefinitelynotthelegalspeedlimit.
“GoddamnthatHarvey,”Nashmuttered.
“Guessyoubettergoget’em,”Knoxsaid,stilllookingsmug.
Nashjabbedafingerinhisbrother’sdirection.“Youandmearegonnatalklater,”hepromised,lookingnonetoohappy.
“Betterhurryandupholdthatlaw,”Knoxsaid.
Nashturnedbacktome.“Naomi,sorrytoleaveyouinalurch.I’llbeintouch.”
KnoxwiggledhisfingersantagonisticallyashisbrotherhustledbacktohisSUVandtookuppursuitwithlightsflashing.
Onceagain,IwasleftalonewithKnox.“Youdidn’thavesomethingtodowithmynice,politeridedisappearing,didyou?”
“NowwhywouldIdothat?”
“Well,itsureashellisn’ttospendmorequalitytimewithme.”
“Comeon,Daisy,”hesaid.“Let’spackyourshit.I’lltakeyouandWaytoTina’s.”
“I’dpreferifyoukeptyourhandsoffmyshit,”Isaidhaughtily.Theeffectwasruinedbymyunladylikeyawn.IwasrunningonfumesandonlyhopedIcouldholdonlongenoughtogetawayfromtheVikingbeforeIcrashed.FIVEAVATOFLIGHTERFLUIDANDANAP
Naomi
HillsideAcreslookedmorelikeafestivecampgroundthanatrailerpark.
Kidsplayedonasmall,well-keptplaygroundonapatchofgrassthathadn’tquitesubmittedtothelongVirginiasummer.Themobilehomeshadpicketfencesandvegetablegardens.Creativecolorschemesandcozypatiosaddedtothecurbappeal.
AndthentherewasTina’splace.
Itwasasingle-widetrailerinthebackcornerofthepark.Thebeigeboxslopedhardtotherightlookinglikeitwasmissingpartofitsfoundationonthatend.Weedsthathadfoughttheirwaythroughthegravelhitmeattheknee.
Thetraileracrosstheroadhadacutescreened-inporchwithstringlightsandhangingplants.Tina’shadmakeshiftcinderblockstepsleadingtoarustyfrontdoorthathungslightlyajar.
Knoxwasglaringagain.Butforonce,itwasn’tatme.Itwasatthenoticepostedonthedoor.
EVICTION.
“Stayhere,”heorderedwithoutlookingatmeorWaylay.
IwastootiredtobeannoyedasheMachoMan-steppedinside.
Waylayrolledhereyes.“She’slonggone.Shebustedinherebeforethemotel.”
Onreflex,Ireachedforherandputmyhandsonhershoulders.Shejumpedback,lookingatmelikeI’djusttriedtogiveherawedgie.
Notetoself:Don’trushthephysicalaffection.
“Uh,wherehaveyoutwobeenstaying?”
Waylayshrugged.“Istayedatmyfriend’shousethelasttwonights.Herparentsdon’tmindanextrakidfordinner.Dunnowhereshestayed.”
Theonlytime“responsible”couldbeappliedtoTinawaswhenshewasimpersonatingmeovertheyears.Evenstill,Ifoundmyselfhorrifiedatmysister’sapproachtoparenting.
“It’sclear,”Knoxcalledfrominside.
“Toldya.”Waylayboundedupthesteps,andIfollowed.
Thetrailerwasworseontheinsidethanitwasoutside.
Thecarpethadwornthroughinfrontofthedoor,leavinglong,gnarledstringsthatstretchedoutinalldirections.AreclinerfacedacheapwoodenconsolewiththedustyoutlineofaTVstand.Asmall,pinkbeanbagsatdirectlyinfrontofit.
“ShetooktheTV.ButIgrabbedtheremotewhileshewasn’tlooking,”Waylaysaidproudly.
“Nicejob,kid,”Knoxsaid,givingherhairaruffle.
Swallowinghard,Ilefttheminthelivingroomandpokedmyheadintothedingykitchen.
Thecontentsofthecabinetshadbeenemptiedintoanoverflowinggarbagecaninthemiddleofthegreenlinoleum.Boxesofcereal,cansofsoup,longsincedefrostedpizzasnacks.Therewasn’tavegetableinsight.
Therewasabedroomoneachend.Theonewiththedoublebedhadanashtrayoneitherside.Insteadofcurtains,thinbedsheetsweretackeddirectlytothewalltoblockoutthesun.Theclosetanddresserweremostlyempty.Everythinghadeitherendeduponthefloororbeenhauledoutthedoor.Oninstinct,Ipeekedunderthebedandfoundtwoemptybourbonbottles.
Somethingsneverchanged.
“She’scomingback,youknow,”Waylaysaid,pokingherheadinside.
“Iknow,”Iagreed.Whatthegirldidn’tknowwasthatsometimesitwasyearsbetweenvisits.
“Myroom’sontheotherendifyouwannaseeit,”shesaid.
“I’dlikethatifyoudon’tmind.”
IclosedthedooronTina’sdepressingbedroomandfollowedmyniecethroughthelivingroom.Exhaustionandoverwhelmmademyeyeballsfeelhotanddry.“Where’sKnox?”Iasked.
“Talkin’toMr.Gibbonsoutside.He’sthelandlord.Momowesashit-tonofbackrent,”shesaid,leadingthewaytotheflimsyfakewooddooroffthelivingroom.Ahand-letteredsignsaid“KEEPOUT”inglitterandfourshadesofpinkmarker.
IdecidedtosavethelectureonswearingforlaterwhenIwasn’tmostlyasleeponmyfeet.
Waylay’sroomwassmallbuttidy.Therewasatwinbedunderaprettypinkquilt.Asaggingbookshelfheldafewbooksbutwasmostlydedicatedtohairaccessoriesorganizedincolorfulbins.
WasitpossibleWaylayWittwasagirliegirl?
Shefloppeddownonherbed.“So?Whatarewedoing?”
“Well,”Isaidbrightly.“Ilikeyourroom.Asfortherestoftheplace,Ithinkwecanmakeitwork.Alittlescrubbing,someorganization…”Avatoflighterfluidandaboxofmatches.
Knoxprowledintotheroomlikeapissed-offlionatthezoo.Hetookuptoomuchspaceandmostoftheoxygen.“Getyourshit,Way.”
“Uh.Allofit?”sheasked.
Hisnodwasbrisk.“Allofit.Naomi.”
Heturnedandmarchedoutoftheroom.Icouldfeelthetrailershudderunderhisfeet.
“Thinkthatmeansyou’resupposedtofollowhim,”Waylaysaid.
“Right.Okay.Justhangtight.I’llbebackinasecond.”
Ifoundhimoutside,handsonhipsandstaringatthegravel.
“Isthereaproblem?”
“Youtwoaren’tfuckingstayinghere.”
Suddenlytootiredtofunction,Icollapsedagainstthetrailer’saluminumsiding.“Look,Knox.Mybonesaretired.I’vebeenupforamillionhoursstraight.I’minastrangeplaceinastrangersituation.Andthere’salittlegirlintherewhoneedssomeone.Unfortunatelyforher,thatsomeoneisme.Youmadeupfortheassholeroutinewiththechauffeurroutine.Youcanjuststopwiththemachoinconveniencedthing.Ididn’taskyouforhelp.Soyou’refreetogo.Ineedtostartcleaningthismessup.”
Literallyandfiguratively.
“Aboutdone?”heasked.
Iwastootiredtobeinfuriated.“Yeah.About.”
“Good.Thengetyourassinthetruck.You’renotstayinghere.”
“Areyouseriousrightnow?”
“Youtwoaren’tstayinginamotelwithcardboarddoorsorahealthviolationofatrailerthat’sbeenbrokeninto.Besides…”Hepausedhistiradetoriptheevictionnoticeoffthedoor.“Thisplaceain’tTina’sanymore.Legallyyoucan’tcrashhere.MorallyIcan’tletyoutry.Gotit?”
Itwasthelongestspeechhe’dmadeinmypresence,andIhonestlydidn’thavetheenergyforareply.
Buthewasn’tlookingforone.
“Soyou’regoingtogetyourassinthetruck.”
“Andthenwhat,Knox?”Ipushedawayfromthetrailerandthrewmyhandsup.“What’snext?Doyouknow?BecauseIhaven’tgotaclue,andthatscaresthehelloutofme.”
“Iknowaplaceyoucanstay.Saferthanthemotel.Cleanerthanthisfuckin’mess.”
“Knox,I’vegotnowallet.Nocheckbook.Nophoneorlaptop.Asofyesterday,I’vegotnojobtogobackto.HowamIsupposedtopayfor…”Icouldn’tevenfinishthesentence.Exhaustionanddespairoverwhelmedme.
Hesworeandshovedahandthroughhishair.“You’reasleeponyourfeet.”
“So?”Isaidsullenly.
Hestaredatmehardforalongbeat.“Daisy,justgetinthetruck.”
“IneedtohelpWaylaypack,”Iargued.“AndIneedtogothroughthetrashinthereincasethere’sanyimportantpaperwork.Insurance,birthcertificate,schoolrecords.”
Hesteppedforward,andImovedback.Hekeptadvancingonmeuntilmybackmethispickup.Heopenedthepassengerdoor.“Gibbonswillletyouknowifhefindsanythingimportant.”
“Butshouldn’tItalktohim?”
“Alreadydid.Thisain’thisfirstrodeo,andhe’snotabadguy.Hekeepsimportantshittenantsleavebehindandknowswhattokeepalookoutfor.He’llcallmeifhefindssomething.Now.Get.In.The.Truck.”
IclimbedupontheseatandtriedtothinkofotherthingsthatIneededtodo.
“Way,”Knoxbarked.
“Geez.Keepyourpantson!”Waylayappearedinthedoorwaywearingabackpackandholdingtwogarbagebags.
Myheartshivered.Herlife,allhertreasuredpossessions,fitintotwotrashbags.Andnoteventhegoodkindwithdrawstrings.
Knoxtookthebagsfromherandputtheminthebedofhispickup.“Let’sgo.”
***
Itwasaquietride,andapparentlyifIwasn’tmakingconversationorfightingwithKnox,Ididn’thavetheenergytoremainconscious.Iwokeabruptlywhenthetruckjostled.Wewereonadirtroadthatsnakeditswaythroughwoods.Thetreescreatedacanopyaboveus.IhadnoideaifI’djustdozedofforifwe’dbeendrivingforanhour.
Rememberingmypredicament,IwhippedaroundandrelaxedwhenIsawWaylayinthebackseat,sittingnexttothewhite,fluffymoundthatwasmyweddingdress.
TurningbacktoKnox,Iyawned.“Great.You’retakingusouttothemiddleofnowheretomurderus,aren’tyou?”
Waylaysnickeredbehindme.
Knoxstayedstubbornlysilentaswebumpedalongthedirtdrive.
“Whoa.”Waylay’sexclamationhadmefocusingontheviewthroughthewindshield.
Awidecreekmeanderedalongsidetheroadbeforecurlingbackintothewoods.Justahead,thetreesthinned,andIspottedthe“whoa.”Itwasalargeloghomewithawidefrontporchthatwrappedaroundonesideofthefirstfloor.
Knoxcontinueddownthedrivepastthehouse.
“Bummer,”Waylaymutteredunderherbreathwhenwedroveon.
Aroundthenextbend,Ispiedasmallcabinwithdarksidingtuckedintoacopseoftrees.“That’smyplace,”Knoxsaid.“Andthat’syours.”
Justbeyonditwasastorybook-lookingcottage.Pinetreestoweredoverit,offeringshadefromthesummersun.Itswhiteboard-and-battenexteriorwascharming.Thesmallfrontporchwithcheeryblueplanks,inviting.
Ilovedit.
Knoxturnedintotheshortgraveldriveandturnedofftheengine.
“Let’sgo,”hesaid,climbingout
“Iguesswe’rehere,”IwhisperedtoWaylay.
Webothexitedthetruck.
Itwascoolerherethanintown.Quietertoo.Therumbleofmotorcyclesandtrafficwasreplacedwiththebuzzofbeesandthefar-offdroneofanairplane.Adogbarkednearby.Icouldhearthecreekasitburbleditswaythroughwhisperingtreessomewherebehindthecottage.Thewarmbreezecarriedthescentofflowersandearthandsummersunshine.
Itwasperfect.Tooperfectforarunawaybridewithnowallet.
“Uh.Knox?”
HeignoredmeandcarriedWaylay’sbagsandmysuitcasetothefrontporch
“We’restayin’here?”Waylayaskedasshepressedherfacetothefrontwindowtopeerinside.
“It’sdustyandprobablystaleashell,”Knoxsaidasheproppedopenthescreendoorandpulledouthiskeys.“Hasn’tbeenusedinawhile.You’llprobablyneedtoopenthewindows.Airitout.”
Whyhehadakeytoacottagethatlookedlikeitlivedonthepagesofmyfavoritefairytalewasonmylistofquestions.Justabovethatwerequestionsconcerningrentandsecuritydeposits
“Knox?”Itriedagain.
Buthe’dgottenthedooropen,andsuddenlyIwasstandingonthewidewoodplankfloorofacozylivingroomwithatinystonefireplace.Therewasanoldrolltopdeskcrammedintoanalcovebetweenthestairstothesecondfloorandthecoatcloset.Windowsbroughttheoutdoorsinside.
“Seriously.Wegettostayhere?”Waylayasked,herskepticismmirroringmyown.
Knoxdroppedourbagsatthefootofthetinystaircase.“Yeah.”
Shestaredathimforabeat,thenshrugged.“GuessI’llgocheckouttheupstairs.”
“Wait!Takeoffyourshoes,”Itoldher,notwantingtotrackanydirtinside.
Waylayglanceddownatherfilthysneakers.Therewasaholeinthetoeoftheleftoneandapinkheartcharmclippedtothelacesoftheright.Withanextravaganteyeroll,shetoedthemoffandcarriedthemupstairs.
Knox’smouthpulledupinthecorneraswewatchedhergo,pretendingshewasn’ttheleastbitexcitedorcurious.
“Damnit,Viking!”Theideaofspendingafewweeksinapostcard-perfectcottagefarawayfromthemessI’dleftbehindwasintoxicating.IcouldorganizethehelloutoftheshamblesofmylifewhileIsatonthebackporchandwatchedthecreekflowby.IfIcouldaffordit.
“Nowwhat’syourproblem?”heasked,steppingintothedoll-house-sizedkitchenandstaringoutthewindowoverthesink.
“Youmean,‘What’swrong,Naomi?’Well,I’lltellyouKnox.NowWaylay’sexcitedaboutthisplace,andIdon’tevenknowifIcanaffordit.She’sgoingtobedisappointedontopofabandoned.Whatifweendupbackatthemoteltonight?”
“You’renotgoin’backtothemotel.”
“What’stherent?”Iasked,bitingmylip.
Heturnedawayfromtheviewandleanedagainstthecounter,lookingannoyed.“Dunno.”
“Youhaveakeytothisplaceandyoudon’tknow?”
“Rentdepends,”Knoxsaid,reachingouttosweepalayerofdustoffthetopoftheoldmarshmallowwhitefridge
“Onwhat?”
Heshookhishead.“Onwho.”
“Fine.Who?”
“LizaJ.Yournewlandlord.”
Mynewlandlord?
“AnddoesthisLizaJevenknowthatwe’rehere?”Iwasn’tconsciousofgravitatingtowardhimuntilmytoesbrushedthetipsofhisboots.Thoseblue-grayeyeswereonme,makingmefeellikeIwasunderamagnifyingglass.
“Ifshedoesn’t,shewillsoon.She’srougharoundtheedgesbutshe’sgotasoftspot,”hesaid,gazeboringintome.Iwastootiredtodoanythingbutglarebackathim.
“Ipickedourrooms,”Waylayshoutedfromupstairs,breakingourstaringcontest.
“Wegood?”heaskedquietly.
“No!We’renotgood.Idon’tevenknowwhereweareorhowtogetbacktotown.DoyouhaveUberhere?Aretherebears?”
Hislipsquirked,andIfeltmyfaceflush.Hewasstudyingmeinawaythatpeopledidn’tdoinpolitecompany.
“Dinner,”hesaid.
“Huh?”wasmyeruditereply.Iknewhewasn’ttryingtoaskmeout.Notafterwe’dspentanentiremorninghatingeachother.
“Seven.Atthebighousedowntheroad.That’sLizaJ’s.She’llwanttomeetyou.”
“Ifshedoesn’tknowshe’smylandlord,she’scertainlynotexpectingusfordinner,”Ipointedout.
“Dinner.Seven.She’llbeexpectingyoubythen.”
Iwasnotcomfortablewiththiskindofinvitation.“WhatamIsupposedtobring?Where’sthecloseststore?Doesshelikewine?”Hostessgiftswerenotjustrespectful—inthiscase,theywouldsetthetoneofagoodfirstimpression.
Hislipsquirkedasifmyangstamusedhim.“Gotakeanap,Naomi.ThengotodinneratLizaJ’s.”Heturnedandheadedforthedoor.
“Wait!”
Ihurriedafterhim,catchinghimontheporch.
“WhatdoIsaytoWaylay?”
Ididn’tknowwherethequestionhadcomefromorthepanickynoteinmyvoice.Iwasn’tapanicker.Iperformedmiraclesunderpressure.
“Whatdoyoumeanwhatdoyousay?”
“WhatdoItellherabouthermomandmeandwhywe’rehere?”
“Tellherthetruth.”
“I’mnotsurewhatthatis.”
Hestarteddowntheporchsteps,andagain,panicclawedatmythroat.TheonlymanIknewinthistownwasabandoningmewithachildIdidn’tknow,notransportation,andonlythecrapmysisterhadn’tstolenfromme.
“Knox!”
Hestoppedagainandswore.“Christ,Naomi.Tellherhermomleftherwithyou,andyou’relookingforwardtogettingtoknowher.Don’tmakeitmorecomplicatedthanithastobe.”
“WhatifsheaskswhenTina’scomingback?Whatifshedoesn’twanttostaywithme?Oh,God.HowdoImakeherlistentome?”
Hesteppedbackupontotheporchandintomyspace,thendidsomethingIneversawcoming.
Hegrinned.Full-on,panty-melting,100-percent-wattagegrinned.
IfeltwoozyandhotandlikeIdidn’tknowhowanyofmyjointsworkedanymore.
“Wow,”Iwhispered.
“Wowwhat?”heasked.
“Uh…Yousmiled.Anditwasjustseriouslywow.Ihadnoideayoucouldlooklikethat.Imean,youalreadylooklike…”Iwavedmyhandawkwardlyinfrontofhim.“Youknow.Butthenyouaddthesmile,andyoulookalmosthuman.”
Hissmilewasgone,andthefamiliarannoyancewasback.“Jesus,Daisy.Getsomesleep.You’rebabblinglikeanidiot.”
Ididn’twaittowatchhimdriveaway.InsteadIwentbackinsideandclosedthedoor.“NowwhatthehellamIgoingtodo?”
***
Sleepdesertedmeabruptly,leavingbehindagroggy,panickedconfusion.
Iwasfacedownonabaremattress,ascrubbrushstillclutchedinonehand.Theroomslowlycameintofocusasmyeyesandbrainreturnedtothelandoftheliving.
Warner.Grr.
Tina.Ugh.
Car.Damnit.
Waylay.Holycrap.
Cottage.Adorable.
Knox.Grumpy,sexy,horrible,yethelpful.
Thetimelineofthelasttwenty-fourhoursintact,Ipriedmyselfoffthemattressandsatup.
Theroomwassmall,butcutejustliketherestoftheplace.Paneledwallspaintedabrightwhite,antiquebrassbed.Therewasatalldresseroppositethebedandaskinnytablepaintedpeacockbluetuckedunderthewindowthatoverlookedthemeanderingcreek.
Iheardsomeonehummingdownstairsandremembered.
Waylay.
“Damnit,”Imuttered,jumpingoffthebed.Myfirstdayonthejobasaguardian,andI’dleftmynewchargeunattendedforwhoknewhowlong.ShecouldhavebeenabductedbyhermotherormauledbyabearwhileIindulgedinanafternoonnap.
Isucked,IdecidedasIraceddownthestairs.
“Geez.Don’tbreakyourneckoranything.”
Waylaysatatthekitchentable,swingingabarefootwhileshechoweddownonwhatappearedtobeapeanutbutterandjellysandwichwiththickwhitebreadandenoughjellytocauseinstantcavities.
“Coffee,”Icroakedather.
“Man,youlooklikeazombie.”
“Zombieneedscoffee.”
“Sodainthefridge.”
Sodawouldhavetodo.Istumbledmywaytotherefrigeratorandopenedit.IwashalfwaythroughthecanofPepsibeforeIrealizedtherewasfoodinside.
“Wherefoodfrom?”Irasped.Iwasnotaneasywakerfromnaps.Inthemorning,Icouldboundoutofbedwiththeenergyofasugared-upkindergartenclass.ButPost-NapNaomiwasn’tpretty.Orcoherent.
Waylaygavemealonglook.“Areyoutryingtoaskmewherethefoodcamefrom?”
Iheldupafingeranddownedtherestofthesoda.
“Yeah,”Iwheezedfinallyasthecoldcaffeineandsugarburnedmythroat.“That.”Ipausedtoburpindelicately.“Excuseme.”
Waylaysmirked.“ChiefNashhadadeliveryladydropoffabagofgrocerieswhileyouweredroolingalloveryourbed.”
MyeyeballsfeltgrittyasIblinked.ThechiefofpolicehadseentodeliveringfoodthatI’dbeentoounconscioustoprovideformyniece.Iwasnotgoingtogetagoldstaringuardianshiptoday.
“Crap,”Imuttered.
“It’snotcrap,”WaylayarguedaroundahugebiteofPB&J.“There’ssomecandyandsomechips.”
IneededtoclawmywaybackupthescaletowardResponsibleAdultandneededtodoitfast.
“Weneedalist,”Idecided,scrubbingmyhandsovermyeyes.“Weneedtofigureouthowfarwearefromcivilization,howtogetthere,whatsuppliesweneedforthenextdayortwo.”
Coffee.Idefinitelyneededcoffee.
“It’slikehalfamiletotown,”Waylaysaid.Shehadasmearofjellyonherchinand,besidesher“myauntisalunatic”expression,shelookedadorablychildlike.“Whyareyourarmsandkneesallscrapedup?”
Iglanceddownattheabrasionsonmyskin.“Iclimbedoutofachurchbasementwindow.”
“Cool.So,we’regoingintotown?”
“Yes.Ijustneedtotakeakitcheninventory,”Idecided,findingmypurseonthecounteranddiggingoutmytrustynotebookandpen.
Coffee.
Food.
Transportation?
Job?
Newpurposeinlife?
“Wecantakethebikes,”Waylaypipedup.
“Bikes?”Irepeated.
“Yeah.LizaJdroppedthemoff.Saidwehavetocometodinnertonighttoo.”
“Youmetourlandlord?”Isqueaked.“Whoelsestoppedby?Themayor?ExactlyhowlonghaveIbeenasleep?”
Hereyeswentwideandserious.“AuntNaomi,you’vebeenasleepfortwowholedays.”
“What?”
Shesmirked.“Justmessin’withyou.Youwereoutforanhour.”
“Hilarious.Justforthat,I’mbuyingbrusselssproutsandcarrots.”
Shewrinkledhernose.“Gross.”
“Servesyouright,smartypants.Now,makemeasandwichwhileItacklethisinventory.”
“Fine.Butonlyifyouthinkaboutbrushingyourhairandwashingyourfacebeforewegooutinpublic.Idon’twanttobeseenwithAuntZombie.”SIXASPARAGUSANDASHOWDOWN
Naomi
Atthisminute,Iwassupposedtobejet-laggedandwanderingthestreetsofParisonmyhoneymoon.InsteadIwasclingingtothehandlebarsofanancientten-speedbike,tryingnottotipover.
Ithadbeenyearssincemyasshadmetabikeseat.Everybumpandrutonthegravelroadjarredbothmyteethandmyladyparts.TheoneandonlytimeI’dtalkedWarnerintotryingoneofthosetandembikesatthebeach,we’dendedupheadfirstinashruboutsidethekitestore.
Warnerhadnotbeenpleased.
Therewerealotofthingsthathadn’tpleasedWarnerDennisonIII.ThingsIshouldhavepaidmoreattentionto.
Thethicketofwoodspassedinabuzzingbluraswerodethroughswirlsofgnatsandthethicksouthernhumidity.Beadsofsweattrickleddownmyspine.
“Areyoucomin’orwhat?”Waylaycalledfromwhatseemedlikeamileahead.Shewasridingarustyboy’sbikewithherarmsdanglingathersides.
“What’syourmiddlename?”Iyelledback.
“Regina.”
“WaylayReginaWitt,youputbothhandsonyourhandlebarsthisinstant!”
“Oh,comeon.You’renotoneofthosefunhatin’aunts,areyou?”
IpedaledharderuntilIcaughtup.“Iamlotsoffun,”Ihuffed,partiallybecauseIwasoffendedbutmostlybecauseIwasoutofbreath.
Sure,maybeIwasn’taride-with-no-handsorasneak-out-of-a-sleepover-to-go-kiss-boysfun,oracall-in-sick-to-go-to-a-concertfunkindofgal,butIdidn’thatefun.TherewasusuallyjusttoomuchthatneededdoingbeforeIcouldgettothefun.
“Town’sthisway,”Waylaysaid,gesturingtotheleftwithaflickofherchin.ItwassuchaTinagesturethatittookawaywhatremainingbreathIhad.
Weabandonedgravelforsmoothasphalt,andwithinminutes,IspottedtheoutskirtsofKnockemoutupahead.
Forasecond,Ilostmyselfinthehistoricfamiliarityofabikeride.Thesunonmyfaceandarms,thewarmairasitbrushedovermyskin,thecallandresponseofabillioninsectsinthethroesofsummer.I’dbeenaneleven-year-oldonabikeonce.HeadingoutforadventureintothemorningswelterandnotreturninghomeuntilIgothungryorthefirefliescameout.
Thereweresprawlinghorsefarmsontheoutskirtsoftownwithslickfencesandemeraldgreenpastures.Icouldalmostsmellthewealthandprivilege.ItremindedmeofWarner’sparents’countryclub.
Fourbikersinworndenimandleatherroaredpastusonmotorcycles,theenginerumbleavibrationinmybones,astheyescapedtheconfinesoftown.
Horsepeopleandbikers.Itwasauniquecombination.
Thefarmsdisappearedandwerereplacedbytidyhomesontidylotsthatgotcloserandclosertogetheruntilwewereonthemainstreet.Trafficwaslight.SoIwasabletopaymoreattentiontothedowntownareathanIhadthismorning.Therewasafarmsupplystoreandagiftshopnexttothemechanic.OppositewasahardwarestoreandthepetstorewheremyVolvohadbeenstolen.
“Grocerystore’sthisway,”WaylaycalledfromaheadofmeasshetookanotherleftturnmuchfasterthanIfeltprudent.
“Slowdown!”Great.Halfadayinmycareandmyniecewasgoingtoendupknockingoutherfrontteethbyridingfacefirstintoastopsign.
Waylayignoredme.Shezippeddowntheblockandintotheparkinglot.
Iaddedbikehelmetstomymentalshoppinglistandfollowedher
Afterparkingourbikesontherackbythefrontdoor,IpulledouttheenvelopeI’d—thankfully—hiddeninaboxoftampons.MinutesbeforeIwassupposedtowalkdowntheaisle,mymotherhadhandedmeacardfullofcash.
Itwassupposedtobeourweddingpresent.Spendingmoneyforthehoneymoon.NowitwastheonlymoneyIhadaccesstountilIcouldreplacemystolencreditanddebitcards.
IshudderedtothinkhowmuchmoneyI’dstupidlyshelledoutofmyownsavingsfortheweddingthatneverhappened.
“Guessyoucan’tbuytoomanybrusselssproutssincewe’reonbikes,”Waylayobservedsmugly.
“Guessagain,smarty-pants,”Isaid,pointingatthesigninthewindow.
HomeDeliveryAvailable.
“Aww,man,”shegroaned.
“Nowwecangetatruckloadofvegetables,”Isaidcheerily.
***
“No.”
“Whatdoyoumean,no?”Idemanded,wagglingstalksofasparagusatWaylay.
“Notoasparagus,”Waylaysaid.“It’sgreen.”
“Youdon’teatgreenfoods?”
“Notunlessitcomesincandyform.”
Iwrinkledmynose.“Youhavetoeatsomevegetables.Whataboutfruits?”
“Ilikepie,”shesaid,pokingsuspiciouslyatabinofmangosasifshe’dneverseenthembefore.
“Whatdoyouusuallyeatfordinnerwith…withyourmom?”IhadnoideawhetherTinawasatouchysubjectorifsheroutinelyleftWaylaytofendforherself.IfeltlikeIwasblindfoldedandbeingforcedtoshuffleoutontoafrozenlake.Theicewouldbreakundermyfeetsoonerorlater,Ijustdidn’tknowwhereorwhen.
Hershouldershikeduptowardherears.“Dunno.Whateverwasinthefridge.”
“Leftovers?”Iaskedhopefully.
“ImakeEasyMacandfrozenpizzas.Sometimesnuggets,”Waylaysaid,growingboredwiththemangosandmovingontofrownatadisplayofgreenleaflettuces.“CanwegetPop-Tarts?”
Iwasgettingaheadache.Ineededmoresleepandcoffee.Notnecessarilyinthatorder.“Maybe.Butfirstwehavetoagreeonafewhealthyfoods.”
AmaninaGrover’sGroceriesapronturnedthecornerintoproduce.Hispolitesmilevanishedwhenhecaughtsightofus.Eyesnarrowed,lipcurled,helookedasifhe’djustspottedusdrop-kickingaplastic,light-upBabyJesusinanoutdoornativityscene.
“Hello,”Isaid,addinganextrapunchofwarmthtomysmile.
Hegaveaharrumphinourdirectionandstalkedoff.
IglancedatWaylay,buteithershehadn’tnoticedtheeyedaggersorshewasimmune.
Somuchforsouthernhospitality.ThoughwewereinNorthernVirginia.Maybetheydidn’tdotheSouthernhospitalitythinghere.Ormaybethemanhadjustfoundoutthathiscathadamonthtolive.Youneverknewwhatpeopleweregoingthroughbehindthescenes.
WaylayandIworkedourwayaroundthestore,andInoticedasimilarreactionfromafewotheremployeesandpatrons.Whenthewomanbehindthedelicounterthrewthepoundofslicedturkeybreastatme,I’dhadenough.
ImadesureWaylaywasbusyleaningoveranopenfreezerofchickennuggets.“Excuseme,I’mnewhere.AmIbreakingsomekindofstoreetiquettethatresultsinhurleddelimeats?”
“Ha.Youain’tfoolingme,TinaWitt.Now,yougonnapayforthatturkeyortrytostuffitinyourbralikelasttime?”
Andtherewasmyanswer.
“I’mNaomiWitt.Tina’ssisterandWaylay’saunt.IcanassureyouI’veneverstuffeddelimeatinmybra.”
“Bullshit.”Shesaiditcuppingahandtohermouthlikeshewasusingabullhorn.“Youandthatkidofyoursarenogood,shopliftingpainsintheass.”
Myconflictresolutionskillswerelimitedtopeople-pleasing.UsuallyIwouldsqueakoutaterrifiedapologyandthenfeelcompelledtobuytheoffendedpartysomekindofsmall,thoughtfulgift.ButtodayIwastired.
“Okay.Youknowwhat?Idon’tthinkyou’resupposedtotalktopatronslikethat,”Isaid.
Iwasgoingforfirmandconfident,butitcameouttingedwithhysteria.“Andyouknowwhatelse?TodayI’vebeenyelledat,robbed—twice—andturnedintoaninexperiencedinstaparent,andthatwasbeforelunch.I’vesleptaboutanhourinthelasttwodays.Andyoudon’tseemehurlingdelimeataround.AllIaskfromyouisthatyoutreatmeandmyniecewithamodicumofrespectasapayingcustomer.Idon’tknowyou.I’veneverbeenherebefore.I’msorryforwhatevermysisterdidwithherbreastsandyourmeat.ButI’dreallylikethisturkeyslicedthinner!”
Ipushedthepackagebackoverthetopofthecoolerather.
Hereyeswerewideinthat“notsurehowtohandlethisunhingedcustomer”way.
“You’renotshittin’me?You’renotTina?”
“Iamnotshittingyou.”Damnit.Ishouldhavegoneforthecoffeefirst
“AuntNaomi,IfoundthePop-Tarts,”Waylaysaid,appearingwithanarmloadofsugarybreakfasttreats.
“Great,”Isaid.
***
“So,”Isaid,slidingastrawberrykiwismoothieinfrontofWaylayandtakingtheseatacrossfromher.Justice,themanofmydreams,hadmademyafternoonlatteinamugthesizeofasoupbowl.
“Sowhat?”Waylayaskedsullenly.Hersneakeredfootwaskickingthepedestallegofthetable.
IwishedIhadn’trunovermyphoneatthereststopsoIcouldsearchfor“waystobreaktheicewithkids.”
“Uh,whathaveyoubeendoingthissummer?”
Shelookedmeintheeyesforalongbeat,thensaid,“What’sittoyou?”
Peoplewithkidsmadeitlookeasytotalktothem.Istuckmyfaceinmybowlo’latteandslurped,prayingforinspiration.
“Thoughtyoutwoladiescouldusealittlesnack,”Justicesaid,slidingaplateofcookiesontothetable.“Freshoutoftheoven.”
Waylay’sblueeyeswentwideasshetookintheplateandthenlookedupintoJustice’sfacewithsuspicion.
“Thankyou,Justice.That’ssosweetofyou,”Isaid.Igavemynieceanudge.
“Yeah.Thanks,”Waylaysaid.Shedidn’treachforacookiebutsattherestaringattheplate.
ThiswasanexampleIfeltconfidentsetting.Isnatchedupapeanutbuttercookieand,betweenguzzlesofmycoffee,tookabite.“Ohmygod,”Imanaged.“Justice,Iknowwejustmet.ButI’dbehonoredifyoumarryme.”
“She’salreadygottheweddingdress,”Waylaysaid.
Helaughedandflashedthegoldbandonhislefthand.“ItdevastatesmetosayI’malreadyspokenfor.”
“Thegoodonesalwaysare.”Isighed.
Waylay’sfingersfurtivelymovedclosertotheplate.
“Myfavoriteisthechocolatechocolatechip,”Justicesaid,pointingatthebiggestcookieontheplate.Withawink,hewasgone.
Shewaiteduntilhewasbehindthecounterbeforesnatchingthecookieofftheplate.
“Mmmm.Sogood,”Imumbled,mymouthfullofcookiegoodness.
Sherolledhereyes.“You’resoweird.”
“Shutupandeatyourcookie.”Hereyesnarrowed,andIgrinned.“Kidding.So,what’syourfavoritecolor?”
Wewereonquestiontenofmyhalf-assedgettingtoknowyouicebreakerwhenthedoortothecafeflewopen,andawomanstrolledinsideinrippedtights,ashortdenimskirt,andaLennyKravitzt-shirt.Shehadwilddarkhairworninahighponytail,severalearrings,andalotusflowertattooedonherforearm.Icouldn’ttellifshewasinherthirtiesorherforties.
“Thereyouare,”shesaid,grinningaroundalollipopinhermouthwhenshespottedus.
Thefriendlygreetingmademeimmediatelysuspicious.EveryonethoughtIwasTina,whichmeantifsomeonewashappytoseemetheywereprobablyaterribleperson.
Thewomangrabbedachair,spunitaroundbackwards,andfloppeddownatourtable.“Ooooh!Thoselookgood.”Shehelpedherselftoacookiewithredfrosting,tradinglollipopforbakedgood.“So,Naomi,”shebegan.
“Uh,doweknowyou?”
Ouruninvitedguestslappedherselfintheforehead.“Whoops.Manners!I’malreadyseveralstepsaheadinourrelationship.You’lljusthavetocatchup.I’mSherryFiasco.”
“SherryFiasco?”
Sheshrugged.“Iknow.Soundsmadeup.Butit’snot.Justice,I’lltakeadoubleespressotogo,”shecalled.
Myfuturehusbandraisedahandwithoutturningaroundfromtheorderhewasworkingon.“Yougotit,Fi.”
“So,asIwassaying.Inmyhead,we’realreadyfriends.WhichiswhyIhaveajobforyou,”shesaid,bitingthecookieinhalf.“Hey,Way.”
WaylaystudiedSherryoverhersmoothie.“Hey.”
“Sowhatdoyousay?”Sherryasked,shimmyinghershoulders.
“Huh?”
“AuntNaomi’skindofaplanner,”Waylayexplained.“Shewrotethreelistssofartoday.”
“Ahh.Alookbeforeyouleaptype,”Sherrysaid,noddingsagely.“Okay.I’mabusinessmanager,whichputsmeinchargeofseveralsmallbusinessesinthearea.Oneofthemisdownaserveranddesperatelyneedssomeonewhocandeliverbeerandbegenerallycharming.”
“Awaitress?”I’dspentthelastfiveyearsofmylifecoopedupinanofficeansweringemails,pushingpapers,andsettlinghumanresourceissuesviacarefullywordedemails.
Beingonmyfeetandaroundpeoplealldaysoundedlikeitmightbefun.
“It’shonestwork.Thetipsaregreat.Theuniformsarecute.Andtherestofthestaffisahoot.Mostly,”Sherrysaid.
“I’dneedtoarrangechildcare,”Ihedged.
“Forwho?”Waylaydemanded,herforeheadscrunchedup.
“Foryou,”Isaid,rufflingherhair.
Shelookedappalledanddodgedmyhand.“Idon’tneedababysitter.”
“Justbecauseyou’reusedtodoingsomethingonewaydoesn’tmeanit’stherightway,”Itoldher.“You’vespentalotoftimelookingoutforyourself,butthat’smyjobnow.I’mnotabouttoleaveyoualonewhileIgotowork.”
“That’sstupid.I’mnotababy.”
“No,you’renot,”Iagreed.“Butadultsupervisionisanecessity.”
Waylaymutteredsomethingthatsoundedsuspiciouslylike“bullshit.”IdecidedtopickmybattlesandpretendIhadn’theard.
“Ifthat’syouronlyreservation,IcaneasilyfindsomeonetohangoutwithWayherewhileyourakeinthetipmoney.”
Ichewedonmylowerlip.Iwasn’tafanofhavingtodecidethingsonthespot.Therewereprosandconstoweigh.Researchtodo.Routestocalculate.Schedulestofirmup.
“Iwouldn’tfeelcomfortableleavingWaylaywithastranger,”Iexplained.
“Ofcoursenot,”Sherrychirped.“I’llarrangeameeting,andyoucandecidethen.”
“Uh…”
Justicewhistledfromthecounter.“Order’sup,Fi.”
“Thanks,bigguy,”shesaid,jumpingupfromherchair.“Well,I’llseeyoutwoladieslater.Firstshift’stomorrownight.Bethereatfive.”
“Wait!”
Shecockedherhead.
“Whereisthisjob?”
“HonkyTonk,”shesaidasifitwerethemostobviousthingintheworld.“Bye!”
IwatchedSherryFiascostrutoutofthecafewiththeconfidenceofawomanwhoknewexactlywhereshewasgoingandwhatshewasdoing.
Evenwhenmyfive-yearplanwasintact,Ihadn’thadthatkindofconfidence.
“Whatjusthappened?”Iwhispered.
“Yougotajobandthenturnedmeintoadumbbaby.”Waylay’sfacewasstony.
“Ididn’tcallyouadumbbabyandIdidn’tofficiallyaccept,”Ipointedout.
ButIneededincome,andthesoonerthebetter.Mycheckingaccountbalancewasn’texactlygoingtosupportusindefinitely.Especiallynotwithrentandsecuritydepositsandutilitiestoworryabout.NottomentionthefactthatIhadnovehicle,nophone,andnocomputer.
Ipickedupanothercookieandtookabite.“Itwon’tbesobad,”IpromisedWaylay.
“Yeah,right,”shescoffedandwentbacktokickingthetable.SEVENAPUNCHINTHEFACE
Knox
“Whereyouthinkyou’regoing?”Iaskedlazilyfrommylawnchairparkedinthemiddleofthelane.
TheSUV’sbumperhadstoppedagenerousfootfrommyknees,acloudofdustrisingupbehind.
Mybrotherslidoutfrombehindthewheelandroundedthevehicle.
“ShouldaknownI’dfindyouhere,”Nashsaid,hisjawtightashepulledaslipofpaperfromhisuniformpocket.Hecrumpleditandthrewitatme.Ithitmesquareinthechest.“Harveysaidtopassthisalongtoyousinceitwasyourfaulthewasspeedingthroughtownthismorning.”
Itwasaspeedingticketwritteninmybrother’sscrawl.
“IhavenoideawhatHarvey’sjabberingabout,”Iliedandpocketedthecitation.
“Iseeyou’restillanirresponsibleasshole,”Nashsaidasifthere’dbeenachanceI’dchangedinthepastfewyears.
“Iseeyou’restillalaw-abidingdickheadwithastickuphisass.”
Waylon,mylazybassethound,wanderedhisstumpylegsofftheporchtogreethisuncle.
Traitor.
Ifhethoughthe’dgetmoreattentionormorepeoplefoodsomewhereelse,Waylonwasn’tweigheddownbyloyaltyanddidn’thesitatetowander.
Ipointedtowardthecabinwithmybeerbottle.“Ilivehere.Remember?Didn’tlooklikeyouwereslowin’downtopaymeavisit.”
Nashhadn’tsetfootinmyplaceinmorethanthreeyears.I’ddonehimthesamecourtesy.
HehunkereddowntogiveWaylonsomelove.“GotanupdateforNaomi,”hesaid.
“And?”
“Andthefuckwhat?Itdoesn’tinvolveyou.Youdon’tneedtostandsentrylikesomeuglygargoyle.”
Waylon,sensinghewasn’tthefocalpoint,meandereduptomeandnosedatmyhand.IgavehimathumponhissideandthedogbiscuitI’dstashedinthechair’scupholder.Hetookitandprancedbacktotheporch,white-tippedtailablurofhappy.
Iraisedthebeertomymouth.“Sawherfirst,”IremindedNash.
TheflashofangerIsawinhiseyeswasgratifying.“Oh,fuckyou,man.Youpissedherofffirst.”
Ishruggedcarelessly.“Samething.Mightaswelljustwanderthatlaw-abidingassofyoursbacktoLizaJ’s.I’llbringNaomiandWaylaytoyou.”
“Can’tstopmefromdoingmydamnjob,Knox.”
Igotoutofmychair.
Nash’seyesnarrowed.
“Giveyouonefreeshot,”Ioffered,thendrainedtherestofmybeer.
“Oneforone?”mybrotherclarified.Healwaysdidpaytoomuchattentiontotherules.
“Yep.”
HeplacedhiswatchonthehoodoftheSUVandrolleduphissleeves.Iputmybeerinthecupholderandstretchedmyarmsoverhead.
“Neverusedtoneedtowarmupbefore,”Nashobserved,adoptingaboxer’sstance.
Iloosenedupmyneckandshoulders.“Fuckoff.We’reoverforty.Shithurts.”
Thiswasoverdue.Fistswerehowwe’dsettledcountlessargumentsfordecades.Fightandmoveon.Untilthethingpunchingeachotherinthefacecouldn’tsettle.
“What’sthematter?”Itaunted.“Havingsecond—”
Nash’sstupidfistplowingintomyfacecutofftherestofmysentence.Itwasabellringer.Rightinthefuckingnose.
Shit,thathurt.
“Goddammit,”Ihissed,proddingmyfacefordeformities.
Mybrotherbobbedandweavedinfrontofme,lookingalittletoofuckingproudofhimself.
Itastedbloodasittrickledontomyupperlip.
“Igotshittodo.Idon’thavetimeforconversationandkickingyour—”
Iletmyfistfly,catchinghiminthatgoddamnmouthhewasalwaysrunning.Themouthhe’dusedtolayonthecharmwithNaomi.Hisheadsnappedback.
“Ow!Fuck!”Heswipedhisarmoverhismouth,smearinghisownblooduphissleeve.Anotherbeaddrippedontotheshirtofhisuniform.Itmademefeelperverselyaccomplished.MessingupNashwasalwaysgratifying.
“Wereallygonnadothis?”heasked,lookingupashistonguedartedouttotastethebloodatthecornerofhislip.
“Don’thaveto.Youknowhowtostopit.”
“Shehatesyourguts.Youdon’tevenlikeher,”hepointedout.
Iusedthehemofmyt-shirttostemtheflowofbloodfrommynose.“Notthepoint.”
Nashnarrowedhiseyes.“Thepointisyoualwayswannacalltheshots.Somebrother.”
“You’retheidiotwhodoesn’tknowhowtosay‘thankyou,’”Ishotback.
Heshookhishead,lookinglikehewasgoingtobackdown.ButIknewbetter.Iknewhimbetter.Webothwantedthis.“Getoutofmyway,Knox.”
“You’renotgettin’pastmetoday.”
“I’dbehappytorunyoudownwithmytruck.SayyouweredrunkandpassedoutinthemiddleofthelaneandIdidn’tseeyou.”
“Yourasswouldbebehindbarsbeforetheyevengotminetothemorgue,”Ipredicted.“Somethinghappenstoeitheroneofus‘roundhere,everyoneknowsthefirstplacetolookistheotherone.”
“Andwhatdoesthatsayaboutourhappyfuckingfamily?”Nashspat.
Wewerecirclingeachothernow,handsup,eyeslocked.Fightingamanyougrewuptumblingwithwaslikefightingyourself.Youknewallthemovesevenbeforetheywerecoming.
“I’llaskyouagain,Knox.Whyareyouinmyway?”
Ishrugged.Mostlytoannoyhim.ButpartlybecauseIdidn’treallyknowwhyI’dplantedmyassbetweenmybrotherandNaomi“DoeEyes”Witt.Shewasn’tmytype.Hewasn’tmyproblem.YethereIwas.ThewholeintrospectionthingwasanotheroneofthosetimewastesthatIdidn’tbotherwith.Iwantedtodosomething,Ididit.
“Youjustwanttoputyourhandsonsomethingfineandmessitup,don’tyou?”Nashasked.“Youcan’ttakecareofawomanlikethat.She’sgotclass.She’ssmart.”
“She’sneedyasfuck.Rightupyouralley,”Ishotback.
“Thengetoutofmyway.”
Tiredoftheconversation,Ithrewajabtohisjaw.Hereturneditwithashottomyribs.
Idon’tknowhowlongwetradedblowsinthemiddleofthedirtlane,kickingupdustandhurlinginsultsateachother.SomewhereinthemidstofhimcallingmeafuckingassholeandmeputtinghiminaheadlocksoIcouldpunchhimintheforehead,Irecognizedmybrotherforthefirsttimeinalong-asstime.
“Whatintheholyhellareyoudoing?Youcan’tassaultanofficerofthelaw!”
Naomifloatedintomylineofsight,lookingexactlylikethehigh-classwomanIdidn’twant,exactlythetypemybrotherdid.Herhairwasdownnowanddaisy-free,drapedoveroneshoulder,thickandsleek.Hereyeshadlostthebetterpartoftheexhaustedshadows.Shewaswearingoneofthoselongsundressesthatskimmedthetopsofherfeetandmademenwonderwhattreasureslaybeneath.
Shewascarryingabouquetofflowers,andforasecond,IwantedtoknowwhothehellhadgiventhemtohersoIcouldkicktheirass.
NexttoherwasWaylayinshortsandapinkt-shirt,holdingaplatecoveredinplasticwrap.Shewasgrinningatus.
Nashusedthedistractiontothrowanelbowtomygut.Thewindwentoutofme,andIbenttocatchmybreath.
“Face’sbleedin’,Chief,”Waylaycheerfullyobserved.“Gotitalloverthatnicecleanshirtofyours.”
Igrinned.ThekidmighthavebelongedtoTina,butshewasfunnyashell.Andshewasinmycorner.
Waylonabandonedhisperchontheporchandambledbackintotheroadtogreetthenewcomers.
“Thanks,Waylay,”Nashsaid,swipingathisbloodymouthagain.“Iwasjustcomingtoseeyoutwo.”
WhileWaylaysquishedmydog’sdroopyjowlsbetweenherhands,Naomipeeredaroundmybrotheratme.
“Whatiswrongwithyou?”shehissed.“Youcan’tjuststartafightwithacop!”
Islowlystraightened,rubbingahandovermysternum.“Doesn’tcountasacop.He’smybrother.”
WaylonshovedhisnoseunderthehemofNaomi’sdressandsteppedonherfoot.Hewasaneedybastard.
“Well,hello,”Naomicrooned,crouchingdowntopethim.
“Hisname’sWaylon,”Nashtoldher.
“WaylonandWaylay,”shemused.“Thatwon’tgetconfusing.”
Mynoseburned.Myfacefuckinghurt.Myknuckleswerebleeding.Butlookingatherpettingmyneedy-assdogwithanarmfullofflowersmadeeverythingelsestarttofadeaway.
Fuckme.
Iknewwhatattractionfeltlike.Knewwhattodowithittoo.Butnotwithawomanlikethis.Onewhodidn’tknowitwassmarttobeafraidofme.Onewithaweddingdressandnoring.Onewithaneleven-year-old.Thiswasthekindofsituationthathadmeheadingforthehills.ButIcouldn’tstoplookingather.
“You’reanidiot.”
Nashgrinned,thenwinced.
“Andyou,”Naomiturnedonhim.“Ican’timagineyoutakethatbadgeveryseriouslyifyou’refightinginthestreetwithyourownbrother.”
“Hestartedit,”NashandIbothsaidatthesametime.
“Thenwe’llleaveyoutoit,”shesaidprimly,puttingahandonWaylay’sshoulder.“Let’sgo.”
“HeadingtoLizaJ’s?”Nashasked
“Weare.Wewereinvitedfordinner,”Naomisaid.
Waylayraisedtheplateshewasholding.“Broughtcookies.”
“I’llwalkwithyou,”Nashsaid.“Wecantalkontheway.”
“Soundsgoodtome,”Isaid,movingmychairoutoftheroad.
“You’renotinvited,”hesaid.
“Oh,yes,Iam.Sevensharp.”
Mybrotherlookedlikehewasgoingtohauloffandhitmeagain,whichsuitedmejustfine.Tarnishinghis“aww,shucks”herovibewouldonlyfurthermycause.ButjustasIwasabouttogoadhimintoit,Naomisteppedbetweenus.Waylonfollowedherandsatonherfeet.
Thewomancouldn’treadsigns.Shewasadangertoherself,tryingtogetbetweentwobucksitchingforafight.
“Didyoufindmycar?”sheaskedNash.
“Didyoufindmymom?”Waylayasked.
“Maybeweshouldtalkinprivate,”hesuggested.“Knox,beagoodneighborandtakeWaylayuptothehousewhileIhaveafewwordswithNaomi.”
“Noway,”Waylaysaid,crossingherarms.
“Fuckno,”Iagreed.
OurstaredownlasteduntilNaomirolledhereyes.“Fine.Let’sjustgetthisoverwith.Pleasetellmewhatyoufound.”
Mybrothersuddenlylookeduncomfortable,andmyinterestpiqued.
“GuessI’lljustgetrighttoit,”Nashsaid.“Ididn’tfindyourcaryet.ButIdidfindsomethinginterestingwhenIrantheplates.Itwasreportedstolen.”
“No,shit,Sherlock.Naomididthatthismorning,”Iremindedhim.
Nashignoredmeandcontinued.“ItwasreportedstolenyesterdaybyoneWarnerDennisonIIIofLongIsland,NewYork.”
Naomilookedlikeshewantedtheearthtoswallowherup.
“Youstoleacar?”Waylayaskedheraunt,lookingimpressed.IhadtoadmitthatIhadn’tseenthatonecomingeither.
“It’smycar,butmyex-fiancéboughtit.Hisnamewasonthetitlewithmine.”
Shelookedlikethekindofwomanamanwouldbuycarsfor,Idecided.
“Don’tyoumeanex-husband?”Waylaypipedup.
“Ex-fiancé,”Naomicorrected.“We’renolongertogether.Andwedidn’tgetmarried.”
“‘Causeshelefthimatthealtar,”thegirladdedknowledgeably.“Yesterday.”
“Waylay,Itoldyouthatinconfidence,”Naomihissed.Hercheeksturnedabrightshadeofscarlet.
“You’retheonebeinginterrogatedforgrandtheftauto.”
“Nooneisbeinginterrogated,”Nashinsisted.“I’lltalktotheofficeinchargeandclearupanymisunderstanding.”
“Thankyou,”Naomisaid.Hereyeswerefillingwithwhatlookedsuspiciouslyliketears.
Fuck.
“Idon’tknowaboutyouall,butIcouldsureuseadrink.Let’sheaduptothebighouseandsolvethisoveralcohol,”Isuggested.
Ididn’timaginetheflickerofreliefthatflashedoverherprettyface.
***
IspenttheshortwalktoLizaJ’swonderingwhenthehellI’dturnedintoasundressguy.ThewomenIdatedworejeansandleatherandrockert-shirts.Theydidn’thaveprepschoolvocabulariesordressesthatfloatedaroundtheirankleslikesomesummerfantasy.
IlikedmywomenthewayIlikedmyrelationships—fast,dirty,andcasual.
NaomiWittwasnoneofthose,andIneededtorememberthat.
“You’reseriouslygoingtodinnerlikethat?”NaomiaskedmeasWaylonwanderedoffthedrivetolifthislegonadogwood.
Behindus,WaylaypepperedNashwithquestionsaboutcrimeinKnockemout.
“LizaJ’sseenworse,”Isaid,bitingintoacookie.
“Wheredidyougetthatcookie?”shedemanded.
“Waylay,”Isaid.
Naomilookedlikeshewasgoingtoslapitoutofmyhand,soIshovedtherestofitintomymouth.
“ThoseareforthismysteriousLizaJI’msupposedtobemakingagoodimpressionon,”shecomplained.“Thisisn’tagreatwayformetomeetanewpotentiallandlord.‘Hi,I’mNaomi.I’msquattinginyourcottage,andtheseguyswerefightinginyourdriveway.Pleasegivemeaffordablerent.’”
Isnorted,thenwincedwhenmynosestartedtothrobagain.“Relax.LizaJwouldbeworriedifNashandIdidn’tshowupbleedingandpissedoffateachother,”Iassuredher.
“Whyareyoupissedoffateachother?”
“Baby,youhaven’tgotthetime,”Idrawled.
Wereachedthestepsofthebighouse,andNaomihesitated,lookingupattheroughhewntimber,thecedarshakes.Behindovergrownazaleasandboxwoods,theporchstretchednearlyfiftyfeetalongthefront.
Itriedtoseeitfromhereyes.Newintown,runningfromawedding,noplacetostay,thrownintoaguardianshipshehadn’tseencoming.Toher,everythinghingedonthismeal.
“Don’tchickenshitoutnow,”Iadvised.“LizaJhatescowards.”
Thoseprettyhazeleyesnarrowedtoslits.“Thanksfortheadvice,”shesaidcaustically.
“Niceplace,”Waylaysaid,joiningusatthefootofthesteps.
Ithoughtaboutthetrailer.ThechaosoutsidethatlittlebedroomwiththeKEEPOUTsignonthedoor.She’ddoneherbesttokeepthechaosandunpredictabilityoutofherlittleworld.Icouldrespectthat.
“Usedtobealodge.Let’sgo.Ineedthatdrink,”Isaid,climbingthethreeshortstepsandreachingforthedoorknob.
“Don’tweneedtoknockorringthebell?”Naomihissed,grabbingmyarm
Andthereitwasagain.Thatelectricitychargingmyblood,wakingupmybodylikeithadbeenexposedtosomekindofthreat.Somekindofdanger.
Webothlookeddownatherhand,andshequicklydroppedit.
“Notnecessaryaroundhere,”Nashassuredher,unawarethatmybloodwasonfireandNaomiwasblushingagain.
“LizaJ,”Ibellowed.
Theresponsewasafeveredfitofbarking.
“Oh,my,”Naomiwhispered,puttingherselfbetweenWaylayandthefurcircus.
Waylonshovedhimselfbetweenmylegandthedoorframejustastwodogsracedintothefoyer.Randythebeaglehadearnedhisnamebyhumpingeverythinginsightforthefirstyearofhislife.Kittywasaone-eyed,fifty-poundpitbullwhothoughtshewasalapdog.BothkeptLizaJentertainedinhersolitude.
Itwascoolerinside.Darkertoo.Theblindsstayedclosedthesedays.LizaJsaiditwassonoonecouldsnooponherbusiness.ButIknewthetruthandIdidn’tblameherforit.
“Quityourhollerin’,”avoicecamefromthedirectionofthekitchen.“What’sthematterwithyou?Yourmamaraiseyouinabarn?”
“No,butourgrandmadid,”Nashcalledback.
ElizabethJanePersimmon,allfivefeetoneinchofher,clompedouttogreetus.SheworeherhaircutshortaroundherfaceasshehadforaslongasIcouldremember.Nevermissedatrim.Herrubbergardeningclogssqueakedonthefloor.Shewasinhertypicaluniformofcargopantsandabluet-shirt.Sheworethesamethingnearlyeveryday.Ifitwashot,sheworethepantswiththezipperedlegs.Ifitwascold,sheaddedasweatshirtinthesamecolorasthetee.
“ShouldadrownedyouinthecreekwhenIhadthechance,”shesaid,stoppinginfrontofusandcrossingherarmsexpectantly.
“LizaJ.”Nashdutifullypressedakisstohercheek.
Irepeatedthegreeting.
Shenoddedhersatisfaction.Warmandfuzzytimewasover.“So,whatthehellkindofmessdidyoubringme?”HergazeslidtoNaomiandWaylay,whowerebeingskepticallysniffedbythedogs.
KittybrokefirstandheadbuttedNaomiinthelegsinabidforaffection.Waylon,nottobeleftout,muscledhiswayin,knockingheroffbalance.Ireachedout,butNashgottherefirstandsteadiedher.
“Putthedisasterdogsout.Let’emrunoffthedevilforabit,”LizaJordered.
NashletgoofNaomiandopenedthefrontdoor.Threestreaksoffurtookoff.
“LizaJ,thisisNaomiandherniece,Waylay,”Isaid.“They’llbestayingatthecottage.”
“Theywill,willthey?”
Shedidn’tlikebeingtoldwhattodoanymorethanIdid.NeitheroneofuseverunderstoodwhyNashhadgonealllawandorder.“Unlessofcourseyouwanttothrowthemoutonthestreet,”Iadded.
“IrememberedwhereIknowyoufrom,”mygrandmotherannounced,peeringatWaylaythroughherbifocals.“Beenbuggin’mesinceIdroppedoffthebikes.YoufixedmyiPadatthelibrary.”
“Youdid?”Naomiaskedthegirl.
Waylayshrugged,lookingembarrassed.“Igointheresometimes.Andsometimesoldfolkshavemefixstuff.”
“Andyoulooklikethatone’strouble-makingmother.”LizaJpointedatNaomi.
“Thatwouldbemysister,”shesaid,smilingweakly.
“Twins,”Iinterjected.
Naomiheldoutthebouquet.“Webroughtyouflowersandcookiestothankyouforinvitingustodinner.”
“Flowers,cookies,andtwobleedingmen,”LizaJobserved.“Mightaswellcomeonback.Dinner’saboutdone.”
“Aboutdone”inLizaJ’shousemeantshehadn’tstartedityet.
Wetroopedintothekitchen,whereallthefixingsforsloppyjoesandsaladawaited.
“Meat,”Icalled.
“Salad,”Nashconceded.
“Notbeforeyoubothcleanyourselvesup,”LizaJsaid,pointingtothekitchensink.
Nashdidashewastoldandturnedonthewater.Iheadedtothefridgeandcrackedopenabeerfirst.
“Gotsometreatsfromthebakerytoday,”LizaJsaid.ShelookedatWaylay,whowaseyeingthesaladingredientswithsuspicion.“Whydon’tyouput’emonaplatewithwhatevercookiesmygrandsonsdidn’teatandmaybetasteacoupletomakesurethey’refitforeatin’.”
“Cool,”Waylaysaid,makingabeelineforthebakeryboxonthecounter.
Ipeeredoverthekid’sshoulderandhelpedmyselftoalemoncookie.Myfavorite.
“I’llgetthewine,”LizaJsaid.“Youlooklikeyouknowyourwayaroundawineopener.”
ShewasaddressingNaomi,wholookedlikeshecouldn’tdecideifitwasacomplimentorajudgment.
“Goon,”ItoldherwhenLizaJheadedoutoftheroom.
Shetookastepcloser,andIcaughtthescentoflavender.“Donotunderanycircumstancesstartanotherfightinfrontofmyniece,”shehissed.
“Can’tpromiseanything.”
Ifeyescouldshootactualfire,Iwouldhavehadaneedtoregrowmyeyebrows.
“Chief,Itrustyoucankeeptheorderforafewminutes,”shesaid.
Nashflashedheroneofhisstupidcharminggrins.“Youcancountonme.”
“Kiss-ass,”Icoughedintomyfist
Waylaysnickered.
“I’llberightback,”NaomipromisedWaylay.“ChiefMorganisincharge.”
Thekidlookedconfused.Iguessednoonehadeverbotheredtotellhertheywereleaving,letalonewhenthey’dbeback.
Naomistraightenedhershouldersandfollowedmygrandmotheroutoftheroom,thatdamndressfloatingaroundherlikeshewassomekindoffairytaleprincessabouttofaceadragon.EIGHTTHEMYSTERIOUSLIZAJ
Naomi
UnsurehowIfeltleavingWaylayinaroomwithtwogrownmenwhohadbeengrapplingintheroadmereminutesearlier,IreluctantlyfollowedLizaintoadarkdiningroom.
ThewallpaperwasadeepgreeninapatternIcouldn’tquitemakeout.Thefurniturewasheavyandrustic.Thewideplanktablestretchedonfornearlytwelvefeetandwasburiedunderboxesandstacksofpapers.Insteadofchafingdishesorfamilyphotos,thewalnutbuffetwasstackedhighwithbottlesofwineandliquor.Barglasseswerecrammedintoanearbyhutchsofullthedoorsdidn’tclose.
Iitchedtodigintothemess.
Theonlylightintheroomcamefromthefarwallwhereanarchedopeningledintowhatlookedlikeasunporchwithfloor-to-ceilingglassthatneededagoodscrubbing.
“Youhaveabeautifulhome,”Iventured,gentlyshiftingahalf-dozenchinaplatesstackedprecariouslyonthecornerofthetable.FromwhatI’dseensofar,thehousehadbucketsofpotential.Itwasjustburiedunderdustydrapesandpilesofstuff.
Lizastraightenedfromthebuffet,abottleofwineineachhand.Shewasshortandsoftontheoutside,likeanyone’sfavoritegrandma.ButLizagreetedhergrandsonswithchoresandgruffness.
IwascuriouswhatwassaidabouttheMorgansthatfamilyrelationshipsdidn’tmakeitintointroductions.Ifanyonehadarighttoavoidclaimingtheirfamilyinthistown,itwasme.
“Usedtorunitasasmalllodge,”shebegan,settingthebottlesontopofthebuffet.“Don’tanymore.Guessyou’llbewantingtostayforawhile.”
Okay,notbigonsmalltalk.Gotit.
Inodded.“It’salovelycottage.ButIunderstandifit’saninconvenience.I’msureIcouldcomeupwithanalternativesoon.”Thatwasn’texactlyatruthsomuchasahope.Thewomanbeforemewasmybestchanceofcreatingalittlestabilityintheshorttermformyniece.
Lizaswipedaclothnapkinoverthedustonthewinelabel.“Don’tbother.Itwasjustsittin’there,goin’unused.”
HeraccentventuredalittlefarthersouththantheMid-AtlantictoneofNorthernVirginia.
IprayedthattherewasadashofSouthernhospitalitymixedintheresomewhere.
“That’sverykindofyou.Ifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketodiscusstherentandsecuritydeposit.”
Sheshovedthefirstbottleatme.“Opener’sinthedrawer.”
Iopenedthetopdrawerofthebuffetandfoundatangleofnapkinrings,coasters,candlesticks,matches,andfinallyacorkscrew.
Iwenttoworkonthecork.“AsIwassaying,money’salittlebittight.”
“That’swhathappenswhenyougotyourselfasisterwhostealsfromyouandanewmouthtofeed,”Lizasaid,armscrossed.
KnoxorNashhadaverybigmouth.
Isaidnothingandpoppedthecorkfree.
“Guessin’you’llneedworktoo,”shepredicted.“Unlessyouworkfromhomeorsomething.”
“Irecentlyleftmyjob,”Isaidcarefully.
Andmyhome.Myfiancé.Andeverythingelseinthatlife.
“Howrecently?”
PeopleinKnockemoutwerenotshyaboutstickingtheirnosesintootherpeople’sbusiness.
“Yesterday.”
“Heardmygrandsondroveyououtherewithaweddingdressflyinglikeaflagoutthewindow.Youarunawaybride?”Shesettwoglassesnexttotheopenbottleandnodded.
Ipoured.“IguessIam.”Afterafullyearofplanning.Ofchoosingeverythingfromthecocktailhourappetizerstothecolorofthetablerunneronthecharcuterietable,itwasallover.Wasted.Allthattime.Allthateffort.Allthatplanning.Allthatmoney.
Shepickedupaglassandhelditaloft.“Good.Heedmywords.Don’teverletamanyoudon’tlikemakedecisionsforyou.”
ItwasoddadvicecomingfromastrangerthatIwastryingtoimpress.ButconsideringthedayI’dhad,Iraisedmyglasstohers.
“You’lldookayhere.Knockemoutwilltakecareofyouandthatlittlegirl,”shepredicted.
“Well,then.Aboutthecottage,”Ipressed.“IhavesomesavingsIcanaccess.”Technicallyitwasmyretirementaccount,andI’dhavetoborrowagainstit.
“Youandthegirlcanstayrent-free,”LizaJdecided.
Mymouthopenedwiderthanthefishmountedonthewallaboveus.
“You’llpaytheutilitiesonthecottage,”shecontinued.“Therestyoucantradebyhelpingaroundthisplace.I’mnottheneatesthousekeeperandIneedsomehelpgettingthingscleanedup.”
Mysquealswereinternal.Lizawasmyfairygodmotheringardeningclogs.
“That’sverygenerousofyou,”Ibegan,attemptingtoprocesswhatwashappening.Butafterthepasttwenty-fourhours,mybrainwasonhiatus.
“You’llstillneedapaycheck,”shecontinued,unawareofmymentalpredicament.
Istillneededalotofthings.Bikehelmets.Acar.Sometherapyappointments…“Oh,Ihadajoboffertoday.SomeonenamedSherryFiascosaidIcouldtakeashiftataplacecalledtheHonkyTonktomorrownight.ButIneedtofindsomeonetowatchWaylay.”
Weheardthescrabbleofpaws,andinseconds,Waylontrottedintotheroomandlookedatusexpectantly.
“Waylay,notWaylon,”Lizasaidtothedog.
Hesniffedaround,makingsureweweren’tdroppingfoodonthefloor,andthenheadedbackintothekitchen.
“Youdidn’tbychancementiontoKnoxaboutthatjoboffer,didyou?”Lizaasked.
“Wedon’thavethatkindofrelationship.Wejustmet,”Isaiddiplomatically.Ididn’twanttocomeoutandtellmynewlandlordthatIthoughthergrandsonwasabrutishoafwiththemannersofapillagingNorseman.
Shestudiedmethroughherglasses,andthecornerofhermouthturnedup.“Oh,Icantell.Wordofadvice,maybedon’ttellhimaboutthenewjob.Hemighthaveopinionsandifhedoes,he’ddefinitelysharethem.”
IfKnoxMorganthoughtIwasinterestedinhisopinionsonmylife,Icouldaddnarcissistictendenciestohislonglistofflaws.
“Mybusinessismybusiness,”Isaidprimly.“Besides,Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtobeabletofindsomeoneI’mcomfortableleavingWaylaywithinsuchashorttime.”
“Alreadydid.Thoughthegirlprobablydon’tneedit.Probablybeenmakingherowndinnerssinceshewassix.Shecanstaywithme.Hell,maybeshecanmakemedinner.Bringherbyonyourwaytoworktomorrow.”
KeepanentirehumanbeingaliveandsafewentintotheMajorImpositioncolumnonmyinternalspreadsheetofThingstoAvoidatAllCosts.AskingmyfairygodmotherlandlordtopleasebabysitmynieceuntilwhoknewwhenwhileIworkedalateshiftinabarrosetothetopofthatlist,edgingouthelpingmemoveandchauffeuringmetoorfromsurgery
MajorImpositionswereonlyputuponresponsiblefamilymembersandclosefriends.Lizawasneitherofthose.
“Oh,butIdon’tknowwhattimeI’llgetoff,”Ihedged.“Itcouldbeverylate.”
Sheshrugged.“Makesnodifferencetome.I’llkeepherherewithmeandthedogs,thenbringherbacktothecottageafterdinner.Don’tmindwaitingaroundthere.Alwayslikedthatplace.”
Sheheadedtowardthedoorway,leavingmewithmyfeetgluedtotherugandmymouthstillgaping.“I’llpayyou,”Icalledafterher,finallyrediscoveringtheabilitytomoveandspeak.
“We’lldiscussit,”Lizasaidoverhershoulder.“Iknowyouthinkyou’regettingthegoodendofthedeal,butyougotnoideawhatamessyou’regettinginvolvedin.”
Wefoundeveryone,includingthedogs,aliveandunharmedinthekitcheninanoddlyhomeyscene.Waylaywasperchedattheisland,judgingeveryingredientNashaddedtothesaladassheaddedmixedseasoningandcondimentsinabowl.KnoxwasdrinkingabeerandstabbingatthemeatinthepanwhilereadingoutingredientstoWaylay.
Thereappearedtobenonewbloodshed.Bothmenhadcleaneduptheirwounds,leavingbehindonlybloodstainsandbruises.Nashlookedlikeaherowhohadtakenafewhitsforadamselindistress.Knox,ontheotherhand,lookedlikeavillainwho’dgoneafewroundswiththegoodguyandcomeoutvictorious.
Itwasdefinitelymyrecentmistakewiththegoodguy—onpaperatleast—thathadmeovercorrectingandfindingKnoxandhisvillainousattitudeattractive.Atleast,that’swhatItoldmyselfwhenKnox’sgazelandedonmeandIfeltlikehotbacongreasehadjustbeenpoureddirectlyintomyspinalcolumn.
Iignoredhimandhissexystanding-at-the-stove-ness,choosingtofocusontherestoftheroominstead.
Liza’skitchenhadanastronomicalamountofcounterspacethathadmyfantasiesshiftinggearsandthinkingabouttheChristmascookiebakingpotential.Therefrigeratorwasancient.Thestovepracticallyanantique.Thecountertopswerebatteredbutcherblock.Thecupboardswerepaintedalovelylodengreen.And,judgingfromthecontentsvisibleinsidetheglass-frontedones,theywereallclosetooverflowing.
I’dstarttheclean-outinhere,Idecided.Thekitchenwastheheartofthehome,afterall.ThoughLizadidn’tseemlikeshewasthesentimentaltype.Morelikethefrozen-in-timetype.Ithappened.Lifethrewsomeoneanunexpectedcurve,andthingslikehouseholdmaintenancewentrightoutthewindow.Sometimespermanently.
Whenitwasready,wetookthefoodandwineintothesunroom,whereasmallertablelookedoutoverthebackyard.Theviewwasallwoodsandcreek,dappledingoldasthesunsanklowerinthesummersky.
WhenImovedtotakeaseatnexttoWaylay,Lizashookherhead.“Uh-uh.Thesetwositnexttoeachother,they’llbewrestlingonthefloorbeforecookies.”
“I’msuretheycanbehavethemselvesforonemeal,”Iinsisted.
Shesnorted.“No,theycan’t.”
“No,wecan’t,”Knoxsaidatthesametime.
“Ofcoursewecan,”Nashinsisted.
LizajerkedherheadatWaylay,whoscamperedtotheoppositesideofthetablewithherplate.Thedogsfiledinandtrotteduptoclaimtheirsentrypositionsaroundthetable.TwoofthemhadjudgedWaylaytobetheonemostlikelytodropfoodandstationedthemselvesnexttoher.
WaylonploppeddownbehindLizaattheheadofthetable.
Bothmenmovedtotakethechairnexttomine,KnoxwinningitbythrowinganelbowthatnearlyhadNashdroppinghisplate.
“See?”theirgrandmothersaidwithatriumphantjabofherfork.
ItookmyseatandtriedtoignoremyacuteawarenessofKnoxashesatdown.Thetaskbecamedownrightimpossiblewhenhisdenim-cladthighbrushedagainstmyarmashesatdown.Iyankedmyarmbackandnearlyputmyplateinmylap.
“Whyareyousojumpy?”Waylayasked.
“I’mnotjumpy,”Iinsisted,bobblingmywineglasswhenIreachedforit.
“So,whatwereyoufightin’overthistime?”Lizaaskedhergrandsons,magnanimouslychangingthesubject.
“Nothin’,”KnoxandNashsaidinunison.Theglarethatpassedbetweenthemmademethinktheydidn’tlikebeingonthesamepageaboutanything.
“AuntNaomibroke’emup,”Waylayreported,studyingasliceoftomatowithsuspicion.
“Eatyoursalad,”Itoldher.
“Whowaswinnin’?”Lizaasked.
“Me,”thebrothersannouncedtogether.
Thepronouncementwasfollowedbyanotherchillysilence.
“Roughandtumbleastheycome,thesetwo,”Lizareminisced.“’Course,theyusedtomakeupafterafightandbebacktobein’thickasthievesinnotime.Guessy’alloutgrewthatpart.”
“Hestartedit,”Nashcomplained.
Knoxsnorted.“Just’causeyou’rethegoodonedoesn’tmeanyou’realwaysinnocent.”
Iunderstoodthedynamicsofthegoodsiblingversusthebadonealltoowell.
“YoutwowithLucythrowninthemix?”Lizashookherhead.“Wholetownknewtroublewascomingwhenyouthreegottogether.”
“Lucy?”IaskedbeforeIcouldhelpmyself.
“LucianRollins,”Nashsaidasheusedhisbuntoscoopupthegroundbeefthatescapedtohisplate.“Anoldfriend.”
Knoxgrunted.Hiselbowbrushedmine,andIfeltmyskincatchfireagain.IwithdrewasfarasIdaredwithoutendingupinLiza’slap.
“What’sLucyuptothesedays?”sheasked.“LastIheardhewassomebig-wigmogulinasuit.”
“That’saboutthetruth,”Nashsaid.
“Kidwasahustler,”Lizaexplained.“Alwaysknewhewasmeantforbiggerandbetterthingsthanatrailerandhand-me-downs.”
Waylay’sgazeslidtoLiza.
“Lotsofpeoplecomefromhumblebeginnings,”Isaid.
Knoxlookedatmeandshookhisheadinwhatmighthavebeenamusement.
“What?”
“Nothing.Eatyourdinner.”
“What?”Idemandedagain.
Heshrugged.“Chivalry.Humblebeginnings.Youtalklikeyoureadthedictionaryforfun.”
“I’msogladyoufindhumorinmyvocabulary.Itjustmakesmyday.”
“Don’tmindKnox,”Nashcutin.“He’sintimidatedbywomenwithbrains.”
“Youwantmyfistupyournoseagain?”Knoxofferedgamely.
Ikickedhimunderthetable.Itwaspurelyonreflex.
“Ow!Fuck,”hemuttered,leaningdowntorubhisshin.
Alleyescametome,andIrealizedwhatI’ddone.“Great,”Isaid,throwingdownmyforkinmortification.“Afewminuteshereandtherewithyou,andit’scontagious.Nextthingyouknow,I’llbeputtingstrangersinheadlocksonthestreet.”
“I’dpaytoseethat,”Waylaymused.
“Metoo,”KnoxandNashsaidtogether.
ThecornerofLiza’smouthlifted.“Ithinkyou’llfitinjustfinearoundhere,”shepredicted.“Evenifyoudotalklikeadictionary.”
“Itakeitthatmeansyou’relettin’themstay,”Knoxprodded.
“Iam,”Lizaconfirmed.
Ididn’tmissthequickflashofreliefthatplayedoverWaylay’sfacebeforehermaskreturned.
Onelessthingtoworryabout.Anice,safeplacetostay.
“YouboysknowourNaomihere’sarunawaybride?”
“Sheleftsomeguystandinginachurchandstolehiscar!”Waylayannouncedwithpride.
IpickedupthebottleofwineandtoppedoffLiza’sglassandthenmyown.“Youknow,whereI’mfrom,wemindourownbusiness.”
“BetternotbeexpectingthatinaplacelikeKnockemout,”Lizaadvised.
“Whatdidhedo?”Nashasked.Buthewasn’taskingme,hewasaskingWaylay.
Sheshrugged.“Dunno.Shewon’tsay.ButIbetitwassomethingbad.’Causethatwasarealnicedresssheranoutin.Itwouldtakesomethingprettydamnbadtomakemerunawayinsteadofshowingitofftoeveryone.”
IfelttheheatofKnox’sgazeonmeandshriveledlikearaisin.Waylonmusthavesensedmydesperationbecausehelaydownonmyfeetunderthetable.“Howaboutwetalkaboutsomethingelse.Anythingelse.Religion?Politics?Blood-thirstysportsrivalries?”
“Surenicehavin’youboysatthetableatthesametime,”Lizasaid.“ThismeanIdon’thavetodoThanksgivingintwoshiftsthisyear?”
“We’llsee,”Nashsaid,eyeinghisbrother.
Icouldfeelthetensionbetweenthem.
Notwantingtohavedinnerendinawrestlingmatch,Idesperatelychangedthesubject.“Youknow,Ididn’tactuallystealthecar.”
“That’swhatKnoxsaidwhenMrs.WheelandownatthePop’NStopcaughthimwithapocketfullofcandy,”Nashsaid.
“NotallofuswerebornwithDudleyDo-Rightshovedupourass.”
“ForGod’ssake,Knox.Language.”IelbowedhiminthearmandpointedatWaylay.
Sheflashedhimatoothygrin.“Idon’tmind.”
“Well,Ido.”
***
FireflieswinkedinandoutofexistenceintheduskasKnoxandWaylaypitchedpebblesintothecreek.Allthreedogstookturnsdashingintothecreek,thenturningaroundtoshakethemselvesdryonthebank.
Waylay’sgiggleandKnox’slowmurmurechoedoffthewatermademefeellikemaybetodaywasn’ttheworstdayever.
Ihadabellyfullofsloppyjoesandacozyhousetoreturnto.
“Doin’okay?”Nashcameupnexttomeonthegrass.Hehadanice,calmingpresence.Ididn’tfeeltheexasperationaroundhimthatIdidwithKnox.
“Ithinkso.”Iturnedtolookathim.“Thankyou.Foreverything.It’sbeenastressfulday.YouandLizaandIguessevenyourbrothermadeitbetterforWaylayandme.”
“Way’sagoodkid,”hesaid.“She’ssmart.Independent.Alotofusintownknowthat.”
Ithoughtaboutthesceneinthegrocerystore.“Ihopeyou’reright.AndIhopeIcandorightbyheruntilwegetthingsfiguredout.”
“Thatremindsme.Ibroughtthisforyou,”hesaid,handingoverabrochurethatitwastoodarktoread.“It’saboutkinshipcustodyarrangements.”
“Oh.Thanks.”
“Basically,you’relookingatanapplicationprocesswithafewlegalhoopstojumpthrough.Ifallthatgoeswell,you’llhavesixmonthstodecideifyouwanttomakeitpermanent.”
Permanent?Thewordsentmereeling.
IstaredunseeingasWaylayandKnoxtookturnsthrowingasoggytennisballforthedogs.
“IaskedaroundaboutTina,”Nashcontinued.“Rumorhasitshegotherselfanewmanafewweeksback,andtherewerewhispersaboutsomebigscore.”
Anewmanandabigscorewerebothpainfullyonbrandformysister.“Doyoureallythinkshemightnotcomeback?”
NashedgedintomylineofsightanddippeddownuntilIlookedhimintheeye.“That’sthething,Naomi.Shedoescomeback,she’sinalotoftrouble.Nocourt’sgonnabethrilledwiththeideaoflettingherretaincustody.”
“Andifit’snotme,it’sfostercare,”Isaid,fillingintheunspokenblanks.
“That’sthelongandtheshortofit,”hesaid.“Iknowit’sabigdecisionandI’mnotaskin’youtomakeitrightthissecond.Gettoknowher.Gettoknowthetown.Thinkonit.I’vegotafriendwhodoescasework.Shecanhelpyougetstartedwiththeapplicationprocess.”
HewasaskingmetoputthenextsixmonthsofmylifeonholdforalittlegirlI’djustmet.Yep.Itwassafetosaymybruisedandbatteredlifeplanhadofficiallydisintegrated.
Iblewoutasighanddecidedtomorrowwasasgoodadayasanyforpanickingoverthefuture.
“Waylay!It’stimetogo,”Icalled.
Waylongallopedtome,earsflying.Hespitthetennisballoutatmyfeet.“Notyou,buddy,”Isaid,leaningdowntopethim.
“Dowehaveto?”Waylaywhined,draggingherfeetasiftheywereencasedinconcrete.
Isharedsimilarsentiments.
Knoxputhishandonthetopofherheadandguidedherinmydirection.“Getusedtoit,kid.Sometimesweallgottadothingswedon’twantto.”NINEBACKYARDURINATION&DEWEYDECIMAL
Naomi
Ifoundthecottage’sbackporchtobealovelylittlespotfororganizingmydailytodolistbypriorityasIwaitedforthepotofcoffeetobrew.I’dslept.Likeacomapatient.Andwhenmyeyelidspoppedopenat6:15onthedot,I’dtip-toedacrossthehalltoWaylay’sroomandpeekedintomakesuremyniecewasstillthere.
Shewas.Tuckedbetweenfreshsheetsinawhitefour-posterbed.
Istareddownatmylistandtappedtheendofabluehighlighteragainstthepage.IneededtocontactmyparentsandletthemknowIwasaliveandnothavingsomekindofbreakdown.ButIwasn’tsurehowmuchelsetotellthem.
Hey,guys,yourememberyourotherdaughter?Theonewhogaveyoumigrainesfortwentyyearsbeforeshevanishedfromourlives?Yeah,well,shehasadaughterwhohasnoideayouexist.
They’ddisembarkfromtheircruiseshipinahotminuteandbeonthefirstplaneheadedinourdirection.Waylayhadjustbeenabandonedbyherownmotherandwasnowundertheroofofanauntshe’dnevermet.Introducinggrandparentsintothemixmightnotbethebestideathissoonoutofthegate.
Plus,itwasmyparents’firstvacationtogetherintenyears.Theydeservedthreeweeksofpeaceandquiet.
ThechoicewasonlypartiallyweightedinfavorofthefactthatIwouldn’thavetocomeupwithadiplomaticwaytoexplainthattheyhadmissedoutonthefirstelevenyearsoftheironlygrandchild’slife.Yet.
Ididn’tlikedoingthingsuntilIknewtheexactrightwaytodothem.SoIwouldwaituntilIknewWaylayalittlebetterandmyparentswerebackfromtheiranniversarycruise,well-restedandreadyforcrazynews.
Satisfied,IcollectedmynotebookandhighlightersandwasjustaboutreadytostandwhenIheardthedistantsqueakofascreendoor.
Nextdoor,Waylontrotteddownthebackstairsintotheyard,wherehepromptlyliftedhislegonadeadspotheclearlyenjoyedusingasatoilet.Ismiled,andthenthemusclesofmyfacefrozewhenanothermovementcaughtmyeye
Knox“TheViking”Morganstrolledoffthedeckinnothingbutapairofblackboxerbriefs.Hewasallman.Muscles,chesthair,tattoos.Hestretchedonearmlazilyoverheadandscratchedthebackofhisneck,creatingapictureofsleepytestosterone.Ittookmeafulltensecondsofopen-mouthedoglingtorealizetheman,likehisdog,waspeeing.
Myhighlightersflyingmadearapid-fireracketastheyhitthewoodenplanksbeneathme.TimefrozeasKnoxturnedinmydirection.Hewasfacingmewithonehandonhis…Nope.
Nope.Nope.Nope.
Ileftmyhighlighterswheretheywereandfledforthesafetyofthecottage,allthewhilecongratulatingmyselffornottryingtogetabetterlookatKnoxJr.
“Why’syourfacesored?Yougetsunburnt?”
Iletoutashriekandcrashedbackagainstthescreendoor,nearlyfallingoutontotheporch.
WaylaywasstandingonachairtryingtoreachthePop-TartsI’dhiddenabovethefridge.
“You’resojumpy,”sheaccused.
Carefully,Iclosedthedoor,leavingallthoughtsofurinatingmenintheoutsideworld.“PutthePop-Tartsdown.We’rehavingeggsforbreakfast.”
“Aww.Man.”
Iignoredherdisdainandplacedthehouse’sonlyskilletonthestove.“Howdoyoufeelaboutgoingtothelibrarytoday?”
***
TheKnockemoutPublicLibrarywasasanctuaryofcoolandquietintheVirginiasummerswelter.Itwasalight,brightspacewithwhiteoakshelvesandfarm-styleworktables.Pairsofoverstuffedarmchairswereclusteredbythetallwindows.
Justinsidethedoorwasalargecommunitybulletinboard.Everythingfrompianolessonstoyardsaleannouncementsandcharitybikeridesdottedthecorkboardinevenlyspacedincrements.Beneathitsatagray-washedtabledisplayingseveralgenresofbooksfromsteamyromancetoautobiographiestopoetry.
Glossygreenplantsinblueandyellowpotsaddedlifeonshelvesandsunny,flatsurfaces.Therewasacolorfulkidssectionwithbrightwallpaperandarainbowoffloorcushions.Quietinstrumentalmusicmurmuredfromhiddenspeakers.Itfeltmorelikeahigh-endspathanapubliclibrary.Iapproved.
Behindthelong,lowcirculationdeskwasawomanwhocaughttheeye.Tanskin.Redlipstick.Long,sleekblondehairstreakedwithawarmpurpley-pink.Theframesofherglasseswereblueandatinystudwinkedinhernose.
Theonlythingthatscreamed“librarian”aboutherwasthelargestackofhardbacksshecarried.
“Hey,Way,”shecalled.“Yougotalinealreadyupstairs.”
“Thanks,Sloane.”
“Youhavealineforwhat?”Iasked.
“Nothing,”myniecemumbled.
“Techsupport,”theattractiveandsurprisinglyloudlibrarianannounced.“Wegetalotofolderfolkswhodon’thaveaccesstotheirowneleven-year-oldstofixtheirphonesandKindlesandtablets.”
IrecalledLiza’scommentatdinnerthenightbefore.
WhichmademerecallKnoxandhispenisthismorning.
Whoops.
“Thecomputersareovertherenearthecoffeebarandtherestrooms,AuntNaomi.I’llbeonthesecondfloorifyouneedanything.”
“Coffeebar?”Iparroted,tryingnottothinkofmynearlynakednext-doorneighbor.
Butmychargewasalreadystridingpurposefullypastthebookstackstowardanopenstaircaseintheback.
ThelibrariantossedmeacuriouslookassheshelvedaStephenKingnovel.“You’renotTina,”shesaid.
“How’dyouknow?”
“I’veneverseenTinasomuchasdropWaylayoffhere,letalonewillinglycrossthethreshold.”
“Tina’smysister,”Iexplained.
“Igatheredthatfromthewholeyoulookalmostexactlyalikething.Howlonghaveyoubeenintown?Ican’tbelievetherehasn’tbeenatrailofhotgossipblazedtomydoorstep.”
“Igotinyesterday.”
“Ah.Mydayoff.IknewIshouldn’thaveburiedmyselfinmyfourthrewatchofTedLasso,”shecomplainedtonoone.“Anyway,I’mSloane.”Shejugglednovelsinordertoholdoutahand.
Ishookittentatively,notwantingtodislodgethetwentypoundsofliteratureshestillheld.“Naomi.”
“WelcometoKnockemout,Naomi.Yournieceisagodsend.”
ItwasnicehearinggoodthingsabouttheWittfamilyaroundhereforachange.
“Thankyou.We’re,uh,justgettingtoknoweachother,butsheseemssmartandindependent.”
Annnndhopefullynottoodamaged.
“Wannaseeherinaction?”Sloaneoffered.
“Iwantitevenmorethanavisittoyourcoffeebar.”
Sloane’srubyredlipscurved.“Followme.”
IfollowedSloaneuptheopenstaircasetothesecondfloor,whichhousedevenmorebookstacks,moreseating,moreplants,andafewprivateroomsofftooneside.
Inthebackwasanotherlong,lowdeskunderahangingsignthatsaidCommunity.Waylaysatonastoolbehindthedesk,frowningatanelectronicdevice.Thedevice’sowner,anelderlyBlackmaninacrispbutton-downandtrousers,leanedonthecounter.
“That’sHinkelMcCord.He’s101yearsoldandreadstwobooksaweek.Hekeepsmessingwiththesettingsonhise-reader,”Sloaneexplained.
“Iswearit’sthedamngreat-grandkids.Thosesticky-fingeredlittlepunksseeanelectronicdeviceandtheygoafteritlikekidswentaftersticksandcandyinmyday,”Hinkelcomplained.
“Shestartedcominginhereacoupletimesaweekaftersheandyoursistermovedhere.Oneafternoonsomevirussoftwareupdatewasgivingtheentiresystemshit,andWaylaygottiredoflisteningtomeyellatthecomputer.Shepoppedbehindthedeskandvoilà.”Sloanewiggledherfingersintheair.“Fixedthewholedamnthinginlessthanfiveminutes.SoIaskedherifshemindedhelpingoutafewotherfolks.Ipayherinsnacksandlettinghercheckoutdoublethenumberofbookseveryoneelseisallowed.She’sagreatkid.”
Isuddenlyjustwantedtositdownandcry.Apparentlymyfacetelegraphedjustthat.
“Uh-oh.Youokay?”Sloaneasked,lookingconcerned.
Inodded,willingawaythedampfrommyeyes.“I’mjustsohappy,”Imanagedtochokeout.
“Oh,boy.Howaboutaniceboxoftissuesandanespresso?”shesuggested,guidingmeawayfromagroupofseniorcitizenssettledaroundatable.“Belinda,IhavethelatestKennedyRyannovelyouwereaskingfor.”
Awomanwithapuffofwhitehairandalargecrucifixnearlyburiedinherimpressivecleavageclappedherhands.“Sloane,youaremyfavoritehumanbeing.”
“That’swhattheyallsay,”shesaidwithawink.
“Didyousayespresso?”Iwhimpered.
Sloanenodded.“Wehavereallygoodcoffeehere,”shepromised.
“Willyoumarryme?”
Shegrinned,andhernosestudsparkled.“I’mmostlyintomenthesedays.Therewasthatonetimeincollege.”
SheguidedmeintoanannexwithfourcomputersandaU-shapedcounter.Therewasasink,dishwasher,andasmallrefrigeratorwithasignthatsaidFREEWATER.Coffeemugshungfromcutehooks.
Sloaneheadeddirectlyforthecoffeemakerandgottowork.“Youlooklikeatleastadouble,”sheobserved.
“Iwouldn’tsaynotoatriple.”
“IknewIlikedyou.Haveaseat.”
Iplantedmyselfatoneofthecomputersandtriedtocomposemyself.“I’veneverseenalibrarylikethis,”Isaid,desperatetomakesmalltalkthatwouldn’trendermeanemotionallumpoffeelings.
Sloaneflashedasmileatme.“That’swhatIliketohear.WhenIwasakid,thelocallibrarywasmysanctuary.Itwasn’tuntilIgotolderthatIrealizedthatitstillwasn’taccessibletoeveryone.SoIwenttoschoolforlibraryscienceandpublicadministration,andhereweare.”
Shesetacupinfrontofmeandreturnedtothemachine.“It’sallaboutcommunity.We’vegotfreeclassesoneverythingfromsexeducationandbudgetingtomeditationandmeal-prepping.Wedon’thaveahugehomelesspopulationhere,butwe’vegotlockerroomsandasmalllaundryfacilityinthebasement.I’mworkingonfreeafter-schoolprogramstohelpfamilieswhocan’tswingthecostofdaycare.Andofcoursethere’sthebooks.”
Herfacewentsoftanddreamy.
“Wow.”Ipickedupmycoffee,sipped,thensaidwowagain.
Asoftchimesoundedoverthemusic.
“That’stheBatSignal.Gottago,”shesaid.“Enjoyyourcoffee,andgoodluckwithyourfeelings.”
***
NaomiWittCheckingAccountBalance:Overdrawn.Suspectedfraud.
***
DearMom&Dad,
I’malive,safe,andcompletelysane.Iswear.I’msosorryIleftlikethat.Iknowitwasuncharacteristic.Thingsjustweren’tworkingoutwithWarnerand…I’llexplainsomeothertimewhenyou’renotsailingofftoparadise.
Inthemeantime,haveawonderfultimeandIforbidyoufromworryingaboutme.IstoppedinacharminglittletowninVirginiaandamenjoyingthevolumethehumiditygivesmyhair.
Soakupsomesunandsendmeproofoflifepictureseveryday.
Love,
Naomi
P.S.Ialmostforgot.Therewasateensyaccidentwithmyphoneandunfortunatelyitdidn’tsurvive.Emailisthebestwaytocommunicatefornow!Loveyoulots!Don’tworryaboutme!
***
DearStef,
Iknow.I’msorry.I’msorry.I’msorry.Pleasedon’thateme!Weneedtotalksoon.ButnotonmyphonesinceIranoveritatareststopinPennsylvania.
Funnystory.You’dthinkmerunningoutontheweddingwasthebignews.(Youlookedgreat,bytheway.)Butthebiggerwhammyismysistercalledmeoutoftheblue,robbedme,andleftmewithanieceIdidn’tknowexisted.
HernameisWaylay.She’saneleven-year-oldtechgeniusandunderneaththeboredfacademightbeagirlygirl.IneedreassurancesthatI’mnotaddingtohertrauma.
I’mtryingtobethecoolyetresponsibleauntinthisplacecalledKnockemout,wherethemenareunreasonablyattractiveandthecoffeeisexcellent.
I’llbeintouchassoonasIgetmybearings.Therewasanincidentwithmycarandmycheckingaccount.Ohandmylaptop.
I’mstillsorry.Pleasedon’thateme.
Kisses,
N
***
Tina,
ThisisthelastemailaddressIhaveforyou.Wherethehellareyou?HowcouldyouleaveWaylay?Where’smyfreakingcar?Getyourassbackhere.Areyouintrouble?
Naomi
***
KinshipGuardianToDoList:
Completeguardianshipapplication,plusbackgroundcheck
Participateinthreeface-to-faceinterviewswithapplicant
Providethreecharacterreferences(experiencewithchildrenandcaretaking)
Homestudy
DispositionalhearingwithfamilycourtTENHAIRCUTSANDPAINSINTHEASS
Knox
Iwasinashitmoodafterashitnight’ssleep.
BothofwhichIblamedonNaomi“FlowersinherFuckingHair”Witt.Afterspendinghalfthenighttossingandturning,I’dwokenupforWaylon’sfirsta.m.bathroombreakwitharaginghard-onthankstoadreamfeaturingmynewnext-doorneighbor’ssmartmouthslidingdownmycock.Thekindofnoisesthatmenfantasizeaboutcomingoutofherthroat.
Itwasthesecondnightofsleepshe’druinedforme,andifIdidn’tgetmyheadoutofmyass,itwouldn’tbethelast.
Besidemeinthepassengerseat,Waylonexpressedhisownexhaustionwithaloudyawn.
“Youandmeboth,bud,”Isaid,pullingintoaparkingspaceandstaringatthestorefront.
Thecolorscheme—navywithmaroontrim—shouldn’thaveworked.IthadsoundedstupidwhenJeremiahsuggestedit.ButsomehowitclassedupthebrickandmadeWhiskeyClipperstandoutontheblock.
ItwaswedgedbetweenatattooparlorthatchangedhandsmoreoftenthanpokerchipsandtheneonorangeawningofDino’sPizzaandSubs.Theydidn’topenuntileleven,butIcouldalreadysmellthegarlicandpizzasauce.
Untilafewyearsago,thebarbershophadbeenacrumblinginstitutioninKnockemout.Withalittlevisionfrommypartner,Jeremiah,andalotofcapital—fromme—we’dmanagedtodragWhiskeyClipperintothetwenty-firstcenturyandturnitintoasmall-towngoldmine.Nowatrendysalon,theshopdidn’tjustserveoldmenbornandraisedhere.ItattractedaclientelethatwaswillingtobravetheNOVAtrafficfromasfarawayasdowntownD.C.fortheserviceandthevibe.
Onayawnofmyown,Ihelpedmydogoutofthetruck,andweheadedforthefrontdoor.
Theinsidewasaseye-catchingastheoutside.Thebonesofthespacewereexposedbrick,tinceiling,andstainedconcrete.We’daddedleatherandwoodanddenim.Nexttotheindustrial-lookingreceptiondeskwasabarwithglassshelveshousingnearlyadozenwhiskeybottles.Wealsoservedcoffeeandwine.Thewallsweredecoratedwithframedblack-and-whiteprints,mosthighlightingKnockemout’sstoriedhistory.
Beyondtheleathercouchesinthereceptionarea,therewerefourhairstationswithlargeroundmirrors.Alongthebackwallweretherestroom,theshampoosinks,andthedryers.
“Mornin’,boss.You’rehereearly.”Stasia,shortforAnastasia,hadBrowderKlein’sheadinoneofthesinks
Igruntedandwentstraightforthecoffeepotnexttothewhiskey.WaylonclimbeduponthecouchnexttoawomanenjoyingacoffeeandBailey’s.
Stasia’steenageson,Ricky,swiveledbackandforthrhythmicallyinthereceptionchair.Betweenbookingappointmentsandcashingoutclients,heplayedastupid-lookinggameonhisphone.
Jeremiah,mybusinesspartnerandlong-timefriend,lookedupfromthetemplefadehewasdoingonaclientinasuitand$400shoes.
“Youlooklikeshit,”heobserved.
Jeremiahworehisthick,darkhairrebelliouslylongbutkepthisfaceclean-shaven.HehadasleevetattooandaRolex.Hegotamanicureeverytwoweeksandspenthisdaysofftinkeringwiththedirtbikesheoccasionallyraced.Hedatedbothmenandwomen—afactthathisparentswerefinewith,butwhichhisLebanesegrandmotherstillprayedovereverySundayatmass.
“Thanks,asshole.Nicetoseeyoutoo.”
“Sit,”hesaid,pointingwiththeclippersattheemptystationnexttohim.
“Idon’thavetimeforyourjudgmentalgrooming.”Ihadshittodo.Paperworktobeinconveniencedby.Womentonotthinkabout.
“AndIdon’thavetimeforyoutobringdownourvibelookinglikeyoucouldn’tevenbebotheredtorunacombandsomebalmthroughthatbeard.”
Defensively,Istrokedahandovermybeard.“NoonecareswhatIlooklike.”
“Wecare,”thewomanwiththeBailey’sandcoffeecalled.
“Amen,Louise,”Stasiacalledback,shootingmeoneofherMomLooks.
Browdergottohisfeetandclappedahandonmyback.“Youlooktired.Gotsomebagsunderthoseeyes.Womantrouble?”
“HeardyouwentafewroundswithNotTina,”StasiasaidinnocentlyassheusheredBrowdertoherchair.TheonethingStasiaandJeremiahlovedmorethangoodhairwasgoodgossip.
NotTina.Great.
“Name’sNaomi.”
“Oooooooh,”cametheobnoxiouschorus.
“Ihateyouguys.”
“No,youdon’t,”Jeremiahassuredmewithagrinashefinishedthefade
“Fuckoff.”
“Don’tforget,you’vegotacutattwoandastaffmeetingatthree,”Stasiacalledafterme.
Isworeundermybreathandheadedtomylair.Ihandledthebusinessend,somyclientrosterwassmallerthanJeremiah’sorAnastasia’s.I’dhavethoughtthatbynowmostofmyclientswouldhavebeenscaredoffbymyexcessivescowlingandlackofsmalltalk.Butitturnedout,somepeoplelikedhavinganassholecuttheirhair.
“Goingtomyoffice,”IsaidandheardthethudofWaylon’sbodyhittingthefloorandthetip-tapofhisnailsonthefloorfollowingme.
I’dalreadyownedHonkyTonkwhenthisbuildingwentupforsale.Iboughtitoutfromundersomeshiny-loafereddeveloperoutofBaltimorewhowantedtoputinachainsportsbarandafuckingPilatesstudio.
Nowthebuildingwashometomybar,thebarbershop,andthreekillerapartmentsonthesecondfloor.Oneofwhichwasrentedbymyjackassbrother.
IheadedpasttherestroomandthetinystaffkitchentothedoormarkedEmployeesOnly.Insidewasasupplyroomlinedwithshelvingunitsandalltheshitrequiredtorunasuccessfulsalon.Onthebackwallwasanunmarkeddoor.
WayloncaughtuptomeasIfishedoutmykeys.Hewastheonlyoneallowedinmyinnersanctum.Iwasn’toneofthose“mydoorisalwaysopen”bosses.IfIneededtomeetwithstaff,Iusedmybusinessmanager’sofficeorthebreakroom.
Iheadedintothenarrowhallwaythatconnectedthesalontothebarandpunchedthecodeintothekeypadonmyofficedoor.
Waylonboltedinsidetheseconditopened.
Thespacewassmallandutilitarian,withbrickwallsandexposedductingintheceiling.Therewasacouch,asmallfridge,andadeskthatheldastate-of-the-artcomputerwithtwomonitorsthesizeofscoreboards.
Overadozenframedphotosonthewallsdepictedahaphazardcollageofmylife.TherewasWaylonasapuppy,trippingoverhislongears.MeandNash.Shirtless,gap-toothedkidsonmountainbikesinone.Menonthebacksofmotorcycles,adventurestretchingoutbeforeusontheribbonofopenroad,inanother.
WetwobecamethreewiththeadditionofLucianRollins.There,onthewallnooneelsesaw,wasaphotographictimelineofusgrowingupasbrothers—bloodynoses,longdaysinthecreek,thengraduatingtocarsandgirlsandfootball.BonfiresandFridaynightfootballgames.Graduations.Vacations.Ribboncuttings.
Jesus,weweregettingold.Timemarchedon.Andforthefirsttime,IfeltaniggleofguiltthatNashandInolongerhadeachother’sbacks.
Butitwasjustanotherexampleofhowrelationshipsdidn’tlastforever.
Mygazelingeredononeofthesmallerframes.Thecolorwasdullerthantherest.Myparentsbundledupinatent.Momgrinningatthecamera,pregnantwithoneofus.Dadlookingatherlikehe’dwaitedhiswholelifeforher.Bothexcitedfortheadventureofalifetimetogether.
Itwasn’ttherefornostalgia.Itservedasareminderthatnomatterhowgoodthingswereinthemoment,theywereboundtogetworseuntilthatoncebright,shinyfuturewasunrecognizable.
Waylondeflatedonasigh,pancakingontohisbed.
“Youandmeboth,”Itoldhim.
Idroppedintothechairbehindthedeskandfiredupmycomputer,readytorulemyempire.
SocialmediaadcampaignsforWhiskeyClipperandHonkyTonktoppedmylistofthingstodotoday.I’dbeenavoidingthemlongenoughbecausetheyannoyedme.Growthdisguisedaschangewas,unfortunately,anecessaryevil.
Perversely,IshuffledtheadstothebottomofmystackandtackledthescheduleatHonkyTonkforthenexttwoweeks.Therewasahole.IrubbedthebackofmyneckanddialedFi.
“What’sup,boss?”sheasked.Someonegruntedobscenelynexttoher.
“Whereareyou?”
“FamilyJiu-Jitsu.IjustthrewRogerovermyshoulderandhe’slookingforhiskidneys.”
Fi’sfamilywasashakencocktailofweird.Buttheyallseemedtolikelifebetterthatway.
“MycondolencestoRoger’skidneys.Whyisthereaholeintheserverschedule?”
“Chrissiequitlastweek.Remember?”
IvaguelyrememberedaserverwithafaceandhairscurryingoutofmywayeverytimeIsteppedoutofmyoffice.
“Why’dshequit?”
“Youscaredtheshitoutofher.Calledheratray-droppinggolddiggerandtoldhertogiveuponmarryingrichbecauseevenrichguyswanttheirbeerscold.”
Itrangabell.Vaguely.
Igrunted.“Sowho’sreplacingher?”
“Ialreadyhiredanewgirl.Shestartstonight.”
“DoesshehaveexperienceoristhisanotherCrystal?”
“Chrissie,”Ficorrected.“Andunlessyouwanttostartdoingyourownhiring,IsuggestyougracefullybackdownandtellmeI’vebeendoingakick-assjobandyoutrustmyinstincts.”
IyankedthephoneawayfrommyearwhenFiletoutanear-splitting“Hi-ya!”
“You’vebeendoingakick-assjob,andItrustyourinstincts,”Imuttered.
“That’sagoodboy.Now,ifyou’llexcuseme,Ihavetoputmysononhisassinfrontofhiscrush.”
“Trynottosplattertoomuchblood.It’sabitchtocleanup.”
Waylonletoutasnorefromthefloor.Ipenciledin“NewGirl”ontheemptyshiftsandjumpedintosomevendorpaymentsandotherbullshitpaperwork.
BothWhiskeyClipperandHonkyTonkwereshowingconsistentgrowth.Andtwoofthethreeapartmentsrentedforadditionalincome.Iwaspleasedwiththenumbers.ItmeantthatI’dmanagedtodotheimpossibleandturndumbluckintoanactualsolidfuture.Betweenthebusinessesandmyinvestments,I’dtakenawindfallandbuiltuponit.
Itwasagoodfeelingevenafterasleeplessnight.Withnothinglefttodo,IreluctantlycalledupFacebook.Advertisingwasonekindofevil,butadvertisingthatrequiredyoutohaveasocialmediapresencethatopenedyouuptomillionsofpain-in-the-assstrangers?Thatwasstraight-upbullshit.
IbetNaomiwasonFacebook.Sheprobablylikedittoo.
MyfingerscasuallytypedNaomiWittintothesearchbarbeforethesane,rationalpartofmecouldhitthebrakes
“Huh.”
Waylonliftedhisheadquizzically.
“Justcheckingonourneighbor.Makingsureshe’snotintoAmwaysalesorrunningalongconasapretendtwin,”Itoldhim.
SatisfiedthatIwouldsavehimfromwhateverthreatssocialmediaheld,Waylonfellbacktosleepwitharumblingsnore.
Thewomanobviouslyhadneverheardofprivacysettings.Therewasalotofhertogettoknowonsocialmedia.Picturesfromwork,vacations,familyholidays.AllwithoutTina,Inoted.Sheran5ksforgoodcausesandraisedfundsforneighbor’svetbills.Andshelivedinanice-lookinghouseatleasttwicethesizeofthecottage.
Shewenttohighschoolandcollegereunionsandlookeddamngooddoingit.
Throwbackpicturesprovedmytheorythatshe’dbeenacheerleader.Andsomeoneontheyearbookcommitteehadbeenafansinceitseemedlikeherentiresenioryearhadbeendedicatedtoher.IblinkedatthehandfulofpicturesofNaomiandTina.Thetwinthingwasundeniable.Sowasthefactthat,beneaththesurface,theywereverydifferentwomen.
Iwasalreadyinvested.Therewasnopullingmeoutoftheonlinestalkingrabbithole.EspeciallynotwhentheonlyotherthingsIhadtodowereboring
SoIdugfurther.
TinaWittfelloffthedigitalplaneofexistenceafterhighschoolgraduation.Shedidn’tsmileinhercapandgown.Certainlynotnexttoyoung,freshNaomiwithherhonorcords.
She’dalreadyhadanarrestrecordbythen.YettherewasNaomi,anarmaroundhersister’swaistbeamingwideenoughforthetwoofthem.Iwaswillingtobetmoneythatshe’ddonewhatshecouldtobethegoodone.Tobethelow-maintenancekid.Theonewhodidn’tcausetheirparentssleeplessnights.
Iwonderedhowmuchlivingshe’dmissedoutonwastingallthattimebeinggood.
IfollowedtheTinalinealittledeeper,discoveringatrailonPennsylvaniaDistrictMagistratecourtcasesandthenagaininNewJerseyandMaryland.DUIs,possession,skippingoutonrent.She’ddonetimeabouttwelveyearsago.Notmuch,butenoughtohavemadeapoint.Enoughtohaveherbecomingamotherlessthanayearlaterandsteeringclearofthecops.
IwentbacktoNaomi’sFacebookandstoppedonafamilypicturefromherteenageyears.Tinascowling,withherarmscrossednexttohersisterastheirparentsbeamedbehindthem.Ididn’tknowwhatwentonbehindcloseddoors.ButIdidknowthatsometimesabadseedwasjustabadseed.Nomatterwhatfielditwasplantedin,nomatterhowitwastended,somejustcameuprotten.
AglanceattheclockremindedmeIonlyhadalittletimebeforemytwoo’clock.WhichmeantIshouldgetbacktotheadcampaigns.
ButunlikeNaomi,Ididn’tlikeworryingaboutwhatI“should”do.Itypedhernameintoasearchengineandhadimmediateregrets.
WarnerDennisonIIIandNaomiWittannouncetheirengagement.
ThisDennisonguylookedlikethekindofassholewhohungoutongolfcoursesandalwayshadastorytotopeveryoneelse’s.Sure,hewasVicePresidentofWhatever.Butitwasatacompanywithhislastnameonit.Idoubtedthathe’dearnedhisfancytitle.Judgingfromherfacethismorning,thisWarnersuithadnevertakenapissinthegreatoutdoors.
Naomilookedheart-stoppinglygorgeous,nottomentionhappy,intheformalphoto.Whichforsomestupidreasonannoyedme.WhatdidIcareifshewasintomenwhoironedtheirpants?Mynext-doorneighborwasnolongeranyofmydamnbusiness.I’dfoundherandWayaplacetostay.Anythingthathappenedfromhereonoutwasherownproblem.
Iclosedoutofthewindowonmyscreen.NaomiWittnolongerexistedtome.Ifeltgoodaboutthat.
Myphonebuzzedonthedesk,andWaylon’sheadpoppedup.
“Yeah?”Ianswered.
“Vernon’shere.Wantmetogethimstarted?”Jeremiahoffered.
“Gethimawhiskey.I’monmywayout.”
“Willdo.”
“Thereheis!”VernonQuiggcalledwhenIreturnedtotheshop.TheretiredMarinewassixfeettall,seventyyearsold,andtheproudownerofanimpeccablewalrusmoustache.
Iwastheonlypersonallowednearthe’stachewithscissors.Itwasbothanhonorandanannoyance,seeingashowthemanlovednothingmorethanfreshgossip.
“Afternoon,Vernon,”Isaid,clippingthecapearoundhisneck.
“HeardaboutyouandNotTinathrowin’downinCaféRevyesterday,”hesaidgleefully.“Soundslikethosetwinsarecarboncopiesofeachother.”
“Iheardthatshe’sthecompleteoppositeofhersister,”Stasiasaid,ploppingdownintheemptychairnexttomystation.
Ireachedformycombandgrittedmyteeth.
“Iheardthere’sawarrantoutforTinaandNotTinahelpedherescape,”saidDorisBacon,ownerofBaconStables,afarmwithareputationforturningoutchampionhorseflesh.
Fuckme.ELEVENBOSSFROMHELL
Naomi
IacceptedtheleatheranddenimapronSherry“Fi”Fiascohandedmeandtieditaroundmywaist.
“Shirtlooksgood,”Sherrysaid,givingmyHonkyTonkv-neckanapprovingnod.
“Thanks,”Isaidandtuggednervouslyatthehem.TheshirtwastightandshowedmorecleavagethanIwasusedtoaccentuating.But,permyresearchatthelibrary,ladieswiththeir“girls”showingtendedtomakehighertips.
HonkyTonkfeltlikeacountrybarthathadabriefbutsatisfyingaffairwithaglitzyspeakeasy.Ilikedthe“fancycowboy”vibe.
“Thishere’sMaxine,andshe’llbetrainingyouonthePOS,”Fisaid,pluckingthelollipopoutofhermouth.“It’salsohowyouclockinandoutandorderyourownmeals.Here’syourpinnumber.”Shehandedoverastickynotewith6969scrawledacrossitinSharpie.
Nice.
“Hi,”IsaidtoMaxine.Shehaddarkskindustedwithglitteroverherenviablecheekbonesandmodestcleavage.Herhairwascutshortandlefttocurltightlyintinymagentacoils.
“CallmeMax,”sheinsisted.“Youeverslingdrinksbefore?”
Ishookmyhead.“IworkedinHRuntiltwodaysago.”
Igaveherpointsfornotrollinghereyesatme.Iwouldn’twanttotrainmeeither.
“ButIlearnfast,”Iassuredher.
“Well,you’regonnahavetosincewe’reshort-handedtonight.Sounlessyousuck,I’llbepushingyououtofthenestearly.”
“I’lldomybestnottosuck,”Ipromised.
“Youdothat.We’llstartwiththedrinksformyeight-top.”
“We’vegottwodraftsofBud,”Maxinebegan,fingersflyingoverthescreen.Herglitterynailshypnotizedmewiththeirspeed.
Iwasnervousbuthighlymotivated.Mybankhadtoldmeitwouldtakeuptoaweekformetoreceivemyreplacementdebitandcreditcards.AndWaylayhadalreadypolishedofftheentireboxofPop-Tarts.IfIwantedtokeepmynieceingroceries,Iwasgoingtohavetobethebestdamnserverthistownhadeverseen.
“Thenyouhitsend,andtheprinteratthebarspitsouttheorder.Sameforfood,onlyitgoesstraighttothekitchen,”Maxexplained.
“Gotit.”
“Great.Here’sthenextone.Yourturn.”
Ionlyfumbledtwiceandearneda“goodenough”nodfrommytrainer.
“Let’sgetthosetipsflowing.Ihopeyourfeetareprepared,”Maxinesaidwithaquickgrin.
Iblewoutabreathandfollowedherintothecrowd.
***
Myfeethurt.Iwashoursbehindonmywaterintake.AndIwasreallytiredofexplainingthatIwasn’tTina.EspeciallysincethatseemedtohaveearnedmethenicknameNotTina.
SilverthebartendersaidsomethingthatImissedasIwearilyunloadedglassesattheservicebar.
“What?”Iyelledoverthemusic.
“Hangin’inthere?”sherepeatedlouderthistime.
“Ithinkso.”Maxhadgivenmetwotablesof“understandingregulars”tohandleonmyown,andsofarnoonebesidesmewaswearingbeerorcomplainingabouthowlongittooktogettheirbrisketnachos,soIfeltlikeIwasdoinganadequatejob.
IfeltlikeI’dwalkedtenmilesjustgoingbetweenthebarandthetables
Mostofthepatronsseemedlikeregulars.Theykneweachother’snamesanddrinkordersandrazzedeachotheroversportsrivalries.
Thekitchenstaffwasniceenough.AndwhileSilverwasn’texactlyfriendly,shewasapropullingpintswithbothhandswhiletakingato-goorderoverthephone.
Iadmiredherefficiency.
I’djustdroppedoffafreshroundofdrinkswhenIrealizedI’dspentthelastfewhoursnotthinkingabout…well,anything.Ihadn’thadtimetoworryaboutWaylayatLiza’soraboutthefouremailsfromWarnerIhadn’topened.Andthesmallrollofcashinmyapronmademeforgetallaboutmythievingsisterandmyoverdrawnaccounts.
Ialsohadn’tgivenmyhot,grumpy,urinatingneighborapassingthought.
That’swhenIlostmyfocusandwalkedsmackintoasolidwallofchestunderablackt-shirt.
“Pardonme,”Isaid,slappingahandtothemuscleyobstacletostayupright.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”
Not.Again.
“Areyoukiddingme?”Isqueaked,lookinguptofindKnoxscowlingatme.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Naomi?”
“I’mcheckingSanta’sNaughtyList.WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?I’mworking.Nowgetoutofmyway,orI’llhityouwithmytrayandI’vehadalotofespressotoday.Icouldgetyouonthefloorinthreeorfourwhacks.”
Hedidn’trespondverbally.Probablybecausehewastoobusytakingmebythearmanddraggingmeoutintothehallway.Hestormedpasttherestroomsandthekitchendoorandopenedthenextdoorwithawell-placedboot.
“Evenin’,Knox,”Fisaid,withoutlookingupfromhermonitors.
“Whatthefuckisthis?”hesnapped.
Sherrysparedhimaglance.“This?”sherepeatedblandly.
Hepulledmefartherintotheroom.“This,”hesaidagain.
“ThisisNaomi.Ahumanpersonwhoishalfwayintoherfirstshift,”Sherrysaid,goingbacktohermonitors.
“Don’twantherworkinghere,Fi.”
I’dhadenoughofthepissedoffattheworldingeneralandmeinparticularroutine.Iyankedmyarmfreeandwhackedhiminthechestwithmytray.
Sherrylookedupagain,hermouthfallingopen.
“Idon’tcareifyoudon’twantmeworkinghere,Viking.Fihiredme.I’mhere.Now,unlessyouhaveareasonfordetainingmeatajobIdesperatelyneed,youblondOscartheGrouch,Isuggestyoutakeupyourhiringconcernswiththisestablishment’smanagement.”
“Iamthisestablishment’smanagement,”hesnarled.
Great.Ofcoursehewasmanagement.I’dhitmynewbosswithatray.
“Iwouldn’thavetakenthisjobifI’dknownyoumanagedthisplace,”Ibitout.
“Nowyouknow.Getout.”
“Knox,”Sherrysighedwearily.“WeneededareplacementfortheserveryouscaredoffwithallyourscowlingandOscartheGrouching.”
Hepointedathreateningfingerinherdirection.“I’mnotlettingyoumakethatathing.CallWhat’sHerNameandgethertounquit.”
Sherryleanedbackandcrossedherarms.“Ifyoucantellmehername,I’llcallheruprightnow.”
Knoxmutteredacurse.
“That’swhatIthought,”shesaidsmugly.“Now,whomakesthehiringdecisionsaroundhere?”
“Idon’tgiveashitifit’sthedamnPope,”hegrowled.“She’snotworkinghere.Idon’twantheraround.”
DecidingIhadnothingtolose,Ihithimagainwiththetray.“Listen,Viking.Idon’tknowwhatyourproblemiswithme.Whatevernarcissisticdelusionalrollercoasteryou’reon,I’mnotheretoruinyourlife.I’mtryingtoearnbacksomeofthemoneymysisterstolefromme,anduntilthebankunfreezesmyaccount,I’mnotlettingyouoranyoneelsestandinthewayofWaylay’sPop-Tarts.”
“Unlessyouwanttotakehertablesforher,boss,I’msidingwithNaomi,”Sherrysaid.
Knox’seyesglowedwithicyfire.“Fuck.Fine.Oneshift.Youmakeonemistake.Getonecomplaintandyourassisgone.”
“Yourmagnanimitywon’tbeforgotten.I’vegottableswaiting.”
“Onemistake,”hecalledafterme.
Iflippedhimoffovermyshoulderandstormedintothehall.
“Getridofher,Fi.I’mnotworkingwithsomeuppity,needypainintheass.”Hiswordscarriedtomeoutsidethedoor.Mycheeksflamed.
Anuppity,needypainintheass.Sothat’swhatthegorgeous,bad-temperedKnoxMorgansawwhenhelookedatme.
***
Ikeptittogether,pushingallthoughtsofmystupidbossoutofmymindandputtingmyfullattentionintogettingtherightdrinkstotherightpeople,busingtablesforturnover,andbeinghelpfulwhereverIcould.
Isqueezedintheshortestdinnerbreakinthehistoryofdinnerbreaks,sneakingapitstopatthebathroomandafewbitesofaspectacularlygoodgrilledchickensaladfromMilfordinthekitchen.Thenmadeabeelineforthebar,whereSilverwaspouringastreamofliquorintoacocktailshakerwithonehandandopeningabeerbottlewiththeother.
Herhairwasbuzzedshort,leavingnothingtodistractfromthedramaticsmokyeyemakeupandtinyeyebrowring.Thesleevesofherblackblazerwererolledup,andsheworeastripedtielooseoveraHonkyTonktank.Shewasandrogynouslyattractiveinawaythatmademefeellikeaneighth-graderwithacrushonthecoolgirl.
“Silver,doyoumindifIusethephonetocheckinwithmybabysitter?”Iaskedoverthethumpofthemusic.
Shejerkedherheadtowardthephonebetweenthetwotapsystems,andItookthatasapproval.
Icheckedmywatchanddialedthecottage’snumber.Lizaansweredonthethirdring.
“Weorderedpizzasteadofeatin’thatmoundofveggiesyouleftus,”shesaidovertheblareoftheTVonherend.
“Arethosegunshots?”Iasked,pluggingmyearwithafingersoIcouldhearheroverthemusicalstylingsofcountrysingerMickeyGuytononmyend.
“Canyoubelieveshe’sneverseenTheUsualSuspects?”Lizascoffed.
“Liza!”
“Relax.We’rejustshootingrealgunsinthehouse,notwatchingR-ratedmovies.”
“Liza!”
“You’reright—yourauntreallyiswoundtighterthananecktieonFriday,”Lizasaid,presumablytomybig-mouthedniece.“Everything’sfine.Wayhelpedmeinthegarden.Weatepizzaandnowwe’rewatchingaPG-13,edited-for-TVactionmovie.SylvesterStallonejustcalledsomeoneapoophead.”
Isighed.“Thankyousomuchforthis.Ireallyappreciateit.”
“Kindanicetohavecompanyforonce.When’syournextshift?”
Ibitmylip.“I’mnotsure.Thismightbeaone-and-done.Mynewbossdoesn’tseemtolikeme.”
Shelaughedsoftly.“Givehimtime.”
IrealizedmybabysittingfairygodmotherhadpredictedthisandwonderedwhatsheknewthatIdidn’t.
“Thisain’tsocialhour.Getyourassoffthephone,Daisy.”
IgrittedmyteethatKnox’sinterruption.“Yourgrandsonsayshi.”
Lizachuckled.“Tellhimtokissmyassandtopickuparotisseriechickenformetomorrow.I’llseeyawhenyagethome,”shesaid.
“Thanksagain.Ioweyou.Bye.”
IturnedandfoundKnoxloomingovermelikeasexyturkeyvulture.“Yourgrandmothersayskissherassandbringherarotisseriechicken.”
“Whyareyouonthephonewithmygrandmaonyourfirstandlastbarshift?”
“Becauseshe’swatchingmyeleven-year-oldniecesoIcanearnmoneyforgroceriesandback-to-schoolclothes,youuncharitableoaf!”
“Figures,”hemuttered.
“Layoff,Knox,”Silversaidassheshooktwococktailshakersatonce.“Youknowbeingadickcostsyouinturnover.”
“Iwantthisonetoturnover,”heinsisted.“Whydon’tyouhideinthekitchenandtextlikeeveryoneelse?”
“BecauseIdon’thaveacellphone,”Iremindedhim.
“Whointhefuckdoesn’thaveacellphone?”
“Someonewholosthersinatragicreststopaccident,”Ishotback.“I’dlovetocontinuethisstimulatingconversation,butIneedtohelpMaxturnoversometables.”
“Youtellhim,NotTina,”HinkelMcCordcrowedfromhisbarstool.
Knoxlookedlikehewasgoingtopickhimupandhurlhimthroughthedoor.ItookacleansingbreathanddidwhatIdidbest—stuffedallofmyfeelingsintoalittleboxwithatightlid.“IstheresomethingyouneedbeforeIgobacktowork?”
Hiseyesnarrowedatmypolitetone.Westaredeachotherdownuntilwewereinterrupted.
“Theresheis,”afamiliarvoiceboomedoverthedin.
“Justice!”Mycafe-owningfuturehusbandhadhisarmaroundabeautifulwoman.
“Ibroughtthewifesoshecouldmeetmyfiancée,”Justicejoked.
“Wait’llMurielhearsaboutthis,”Hinkelcackled,whippingouthisphone.
“I’mTallulah,”shesaid,leaningoverthebartoofferherhand.“Hubstoldmeallaboutyourfirstdayintown.”
Shewastallwithacascadeoflongbraidsdownherback.ShewaswearingaSt.JohnGaraget-shirt,jeans,andcowboyboots.“SorryImissedyourfirsttimeinthecafe.Hearditwasquiteashow.”
“Thisonehasn’tbeenhalfbadeither,”Hinkelinterjected.
“It’snicetomeetyou,Tallulah,”Isaid.“I’msorryforproposingtoyourhusband,butthemanmakescoffeethatangelssingabout.”
“Don’tIknowit,”sheagreed.
“Where’syoursection?We’reheretopatronizeyou,”Justicesaid.
Knoxrolledhiseyes.
“Don’tmindhim,”Silversaid,elbowingthebossoutoftheway.“He’sjustpissybecauseNayhasn’tscrewedupyet.”
IwantedtokissherforgivingmeanicknameotherthanNotTina.
“Hegavemeoneshiftandnomistakes,”Iexplained,notcaringthathewasstandingbehindme.
“KnoxMorgan,”Tallulahchided.“That’snothowwewelcomenewKnockemouts.Where’syoursenseofcommunity?”
“Goaway,Tally,”Knoxgrumbled,buttherewasnoheattoit.
“Naomi,I’llhaveyourdarkest,strongestbeer,”Tallulahsaid.“Andthehubsherewillhaveapi?acoladawithwhippedcream.”
Justicerubbedhispalmstogetherinanticipation.“Andwe’llsplitanorderofthepulledporkflatbread.Extrajalape?os.”
“Nosourcream,”Tallulahinterjected.
“Yougotit,”Isaidwithawink.“Haveaseat,andI’llbringyourdrinksrightout.”
“Yougonnawritethatdown?”Knoxaskedasthecouplewovetheirwaythroughthecrowd.
Iflippedmyhairovermyshoulder.“Nope.”
Helookedathiswatchandsmirked.“Youwon’tevenmakeittotheendoftheshiftatthisrate.”
“I’llbehappytoproveyouwrong.”
“Inthatcase,youjustgotyourselfanothertable.”
Hepointedtoarowdytableinthecornerwhereanoldermanwithapotbellyandacowboyhatappearedtobeholdingcourt.
“Don’tdothattoheronherfirstnight,Knoxy,”Maxchidedhim.
“Ifshe’ssoconfidentshecanhandleit,nouselettingherwadearoundinthekiddiepool.Gottathrowherinthedeepend.”
“There’sadifferencebetweensinkorswimwhenyouintroducesharks,”Silverargued.TWELVEARIDEHOME
Knox
Ihadpaperworktodo,butIwasmoreinterestedintheimpendingcrashandburnofmynewestemployee.
Naomistruttedherhigh-classassrightonuptothetablelikeanidealistickindergartenteacheronherfirstday.IhatedWylieOgdenforgoodreason,butIdidn’tmindusinghimtoprovemypoint.
Shedidn’tbelonghere.AndifIhadtoprovethatbydanglingherinfrontofawolf,thensobeit.
Wylie’ssquintylittleeyeszeroedinonher,andhistonguedartedoutbetweenhislips.Heknewtherules.KnewIwouldn’thesitatetotosshisassoutofhereifhesomuchastouchedoneofmyemployees.Butthatdidn’tstophimfrombeingacreepyoldman.
“What’syourproblemwithNotTina?”Silverasked,punchingthebuttonontheblenderandpouringvodkaintothreerocksglasses.
Ididn’treply.Answeringquestionsonlyencouragedconversations.
IwatchedasWylielavishedNaomiwithhispervybrandofattentionwithoutfeelingtheleastbitguilty.
Shewasn’tmytypeonanyplaneofexistence.Hell,eveninjeansandaHonkyTonkt-shirt,shestilllookedhigh-classandhigh-maintenance.Shewouldn’tsettleforafewnightsbetweenthesheets.
Shewasthekindofwomanwithexpectations.Withlong-termplans.Withhoney-dolistsandwouldyoumindsandcanyoupleases.
NormallyIcouldignoreanattractiontoawomanwhowasn’tmytype.
MaybeIneededabreak?IthadbeenawhilesinceI’dtakenafewdaysoff,hadsomefun,gottenlaid.
Ididthemath,winced.
Ithadbeenmorethanawhile.
That’swhatIneeded.Afewdaysaway.MaybeI’dhitthebeach.Readafewfuckingnovels.Drinkafewbeersoutofsomeoneelse’sinventory.Findagoodlaywithnostringsorexpectations
Iignoredtheknee-jerk“meh.”
Afterhittingforty,I’dnoticedanalarmingambivalencewhenitcametothehunt.Lazinessmostlikely.Thehunt,thenarrowingofthefield,theflirtation.Whathadoncebeenentertainingstartedtoseemlikealotofworkforjustanightortwo.
ButI’dworkuptheenergy,workoffthesexualfrustration.ThenIcouldcomebackhereandnotfeelcompelledtojerkoffeverytimeIsawNaomiWitt.
Mattersettled,IpouredmyselfawaterfromthesodagunandwatchedNaomitrytoleavethetableonlytobestoppedbyWylie.Thefuckeractuallygrabbedherbythewrist.
“Oooooh,shit,”SilversaidunderherbreathasIcameoffthebarstool.
“Goddammit,”ImutteredasImademywayacrossthebar.
“Nowdon’tyoudally,Naomi,”Wyliewassaying.“TheboysandIsurelikelookin’atyourface.”
“Amongotherthings,”oneofhisidioticfriendssaid,sendingthetableintospasmsoflaughter.
I’dexpectedhertobeclawingherwayfree,butNaomiwassmiling.“Iknewyouboysweregoingtobetrouble,”sheteasedlightly.
“Thereaproblem?”Isnapped.
Wylie’shandfellawayfromNaomi’swrist,andIdidn’tmissthefactthatsheimmediatelytookastepback.
“Problem?”Wyliesaid.“Idon’tseenoproblem.”
“Wylieandhisfriendswereintroducingthemselves,”Naomisaid.“I’llberightbackwithyourdrinks.”
Withapartingglareinmydirection,shesaunteredbacktothebar.
IsteppedintoWylie’slineofsight,ruininghisviewofherdepartingass.
“Youknowtherules,Ogden.”
“Boy,Iwasrunningthistownwhenyouwerenothingbutasparkinyourdaddy’seyes.”
“Don’trunshitnow,doyou?”Isaid.“Butthisplace?Thisismine.Andifyouwannabeabletodrinkhere,you’llkeepyourgoddamnhandstoyourself.”
“Idon’tappreciatetheinsinuations,boy.”
“AndIdon’tappreciatehavingtoserveyourcrookedass.Guesswe’reeven.”
IlefthimandhiscroniesandwentinsearchofNaomi.IfoundheratthePOSbythebar.
Chewingonherlowerlip,shedidn’tbotherglancingupfromthescreenwhereshecarefullyenteredanorder.FromtheSexontheBeachandFlamingOrgasm,IguesseditwasWylie’stableofmorons.
“Youhitmewithafuckingtrayfortalkin’shit,butyouletthatsweatyassholeputhishandonyou?”
“Idon’thavetimetopointoutthefactthatyoutoldmeifIupsetonetableyouwerefiringme,soyou’llhavetosettleforthis,”shesaid,holdinguphermiddlefingerinmyface.
HinkelMcCordandTallulahburstoutlaughing.
“Y’allaren’tgettin’dinnerandashow,”IwarnedbeforeturningbacktoNaomi.
“Dammit.Where’sthesubstitutebutton?”shemuttered.
Ireachedaroundherandpagedthroughtheoptionstotherightone.Havinghercagedbetweenmeandthescreenwasmakingmylibidomalfunction.
Tobecontrary,Ididn’tstepbackwhileshekeyedintherestoftheorder.Whenshewasfinished,Naomiturnedtolookatme.“Yousentmeoverthereonpurpose,knowingwhatwouldhappen.Ididn’treactthewayyouwantedmeto.Getoverit.”
“Isentyouovertheresoyou’dbecreepedoutbyWylie,notsohecouldputhisfuckinghandsonyou.Ifhedoesitagain,Iwannaknow.”
Shelaughed.Rightinmyface.“Yeah.Sure,Viking.I’llcomerunning.”
“Drinksup,Nay,”Silvercalled.
“Gottago,boss,”Naomisaidwiththekindoffake,brightpolitenessshe’dusedonWylie.Itmademewanttopunchaholeinthewall.
Tenminuteslater,Iwasstillthinkingaboutpunchingsomethingwhenmybrotherstrolledthroughthedoor.HisgazewentdirectlytoNaomi,whowasdeliveringasecondroundofdrinkstotheSt.Johns.
Aboutasecondlater,he’dclockedWylieatthetable.ThetwoexchangedalongstarebeforeNashheadedmyway.
“Lookwhatthecatdraggedin,”Sherrycrowed.Mysoon-to-be-firedbusinessmanagerhadcomeoutoftheofficetowatchtheNaomishow.
NashdraggedhiseyesawayfromNaomi’sassandflashedheraneasygrin.“How’sitgoin’,Fi?”heasked.
“Neveradullmoment.Youheretoseethenewgirl?”sheaskedslyly,shootingmealook.
“ThoughtI’ddropinandseehowNaomi’sfirstdayisgoing,”hesaid.
“Youandhalfthefuckingtown,”Maxsaidasshebreezedbywithatrayofdrinks.
“She’sdoinggreat,”Sherrytoldhim.“Despitesomehead-buttingwithmanagement.”
Nashglancedmyway.“Doesn’tsurpriseme.”
“Hi,Nash,”Naomichirpedasshepassedusonherwaytothebar.
Henodded.“Naomi.”
Sherryelbowedmeinthegut.“Somebody’sgotacrush,”shesang.
Igrunted.Twosomebodieshadacrush,andifIhadanythingtosayaboutit,neitherofuswasgoingtogetthegirl.
“Pullupastool,Chief,”Silversaid.
Nashtookherupontheofferandsatatthecornerclosesttotheserverstation.
“Oncalloroffforthenight?”Silverasked.
“Officiallyoff.”
“Beeritis,”shesaidwithalittlesalute.
“Don’tyouhavepayrolltoapprove?”SherryaskedinnocentlyasIhoveredbehindmybrother.
“MaybeIalreadydidit,”Ihedged,watchingasNaomiapproachedWylie’stableagain.
“Igetanalertwhenit’sbeensubmitted,smartass.”
Tattletaletechnology.“I’llgettoit.Don’tyouhavebusinessestomanage?”
“Rightnow,I’vegotamantomanage.QuitbeingadicktoNaomi.She’sgood.Thecustomerslikeher.Thestafflikesher.Yourbrotherlikesher.You’retheonlyonewithaproblem.”
“Myplace.IgettohaveaproblemifIwannahaveaproblem.”Isoundedlikeafuckingtoddlerdeniedacookie.
Sherryslappedahandtomycheekandsqueezed.Hard.“Boss,you’reaperpetualass,butthisisn’tlikeyou.Youneverpaidattentiontonewhiresbefore.Whystartnow?”
Naomibreezedbyagain,anditpissedmeoffthatIwatchedhereverystepoftheway.
“Comehereoften?”Naomiasked,givingmybrotherafullwattagesmileasshetrayedupanotherroundofdrinks.
“ThoughtI’ddropbyandgiveyouthegoodnews.”
“Whatgoodnews?”sheasked,lookinghopeful.
“Iclearedupyourlittlegrandtheftautomisunderstanding.”
Youwouldhavethoughtmybrotherhadjustwhippedoutasolidgold10-inchdickwiththewayNaomiflewintohimandwrappedhiminahug.“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”shechanted.
“Noman-handlingthecustomers,”Isnarled.
SherolledhereyesatmeandgaveNashapeckonthecheekthatmademewanttosetmyownbrotheronfire.
“AlsofiguredI’dseeifyouwantedalifthomeafteryourshift,”heoffered.
Fuckme.
Shedidn’thaveacar.Sheprobablyrodehergoddamnbikehereandplannedtorideithomeafterclosing.Inthedark.
Overmydeadfuckingbody.
“Thatissosweetofyoutooffer,”Naomisaid.
“Notnecessary,”Isaid,buttingintotheconversation.“She’salreadygotaride.Sherry’lltakeher.”
“Sorry,Knox.I’moffinten,”mybusinessmanagersaidsmugly.
“Thenso’sshe.”
“Ican’tcloseoutmytablesanddomysideworkintenminutes,”Naomiargued.“Maxisshowingmehowtocloseincaseyoudon’tfiremeaftertonight.”
“Fine.ThenI’mdrivingyouhome.”
“I’msureyouhavebetterthingstodothantodriveaneedypainintheasshome.”
“Burn,”Fiwhisperedgleefully.
“I’mdrivingyouhome.LawandOrderlivesrightupstairs.You’reoutofhisway.It’dbeaninconveniencetohimtohaulyourasshome.”
IknewI’dpushedtherightbuttonwhenNaomi’ssmilefaltered.
“Idon’tmind,”Nashinsisted.
ButNaomishookherhead.“Asmuchasitpainsmetoadmit,yourbrotherisright.It’llbelate,andI’moutofyourway.”
Nashopenedhismouth,butIcuthimoff.“I’mdrivingher.”
Icouldprobablykeepmymouthshutandmyhandsoffherforthefive-minutedrive.
“Inthatcase,yougotaminute?”heaskedNaomi.
“Youcanhaveherfortenminutes,”Maxsaid,pushingNaomiatmybrother.
Shelaughedandheldupahand.“Actually,IhavetablesIneedtogetto.Doyouneedsomething,Nash?”
Heglancedmyway.“D.C.copsfoundyourcartoday,”hesaid.
Herfacelitup.“That’sgreatnews.”
Nashwincedandshookhishead.“Sorry,honey.It’snot.Theyfounditatachopshopinpieces.”
Naomi’sshouldersslumped.“WhataboutTina?”
“Nosignofher.”
Shelookedevenmoredejected,andIwasjustabouttoorderhertoquitworryingwhenNashreachedoutandtippedherchinup.“Don’tletthisgetyoudown,honey.You’reinKnockemout.Wetakecareofourown.”
***
OncemyhandsyfuckingbrotherandWylieOgdenleft,IlockedmyselfinmyofficeandfocusedonpaperworkratherthanwatchingDaisybravelysmileherwayintotheheartsofKnockemout.
Businesswasgood.AndIknewhowimportantstaffwastothatbottomline.ButJesus.WorkingwithNaomidayinanddayout?Howlongwouldittakebeforeshe’dspoutoffsomethingsmart,andI’dpinhertoawallandkissherjusttoshutherup?
IkeptaneyeonthesecuritymonitorwhileIworkedmywaythroughthelistofstuffFineededmetodo.
Payrollsubmitted.Liquororderfinalized.Emailsreturned.AndI’dfinallygottenaroundtoworkingontheads.Itwasmidnight,closingtime,andIwasbeyondreadytocallitanight.
“Comeon,Waylon,”Icalled.
Thedogboundedoutofhisbed.
Wefoundthebaremptyofpatrons.
“Decentnighttonight,”Silvercalledfromtheregisterwhereshewasscanningtheday’sreport.
“Howdecent?”Iasked,doingmybesttoignoreNaomiandMaxastheyrolledutensilsintonapkinsandlaughedaboutsomething.Waylonchargedovertothemtodemandaffection.
“Goodenoughforshots,”Silversaid.
“Didsomeonesayshots?”Maxcalled.
Ihadadealwiththestaff.Everytimewebeatthepreviousweek’ssalestheentireshiftearnedshots.
Sheslidthereportacrossthebartome,andIflippedtothebottomline.Damn.Ithadbeenagoodnight.
“Maybenewgirl’sourluckycharm,”shesaid.
“Nothingaboutherislucky,”Iinsisted.
“Youstilloweus.”
Isighed.“Fine.Line’emup.Teremana.”Iglancedovermyshoulder.“Let’sgo,ladies.”
Naomicockedherhead,butMaxjumpedoutofherseat.“Iknewitwasagoodnight.Fattipstoo.Comeon,”shesaid,pullingNaomitoherfeet.
Ididn’tmissthewinceasNaomistood.Sheobviouslywasn’tusedtobeingonherfeetforhoursatatime.ButIrespectedherforstubbornlytryingtohideherdiscomfortonthewaytothebar.Waylonfollowedonherheelslikealovesickidiot.
“Bosscalledtequila,”Silversaid,producingthebottle.
Maxwhistledanddrummedthebar.
“Tequila?”Naomirepeatedonayawn.
“Tradition,”Silverexplained.“Gottacelebratethewins.”
“Onemore,”IsaidbeforeSilverstartedtopour.
Hereyebrowswingedupassheproducedanotherglass.“Bossmanisin.Thisisafirst.”
Maxlookedsurprisedtoo.
“Wait.Don’tweneedsaltorlemonsorhotsauceorsomething?”Naomiasked.
Silvershookherhead.“That’sforshittytequila.”
Shotspoured,weheldourglassesaloft.
“Yougottamakethetoast,”Maxsaidtomewhenitbecameclearnooneelsewasgoingtodoit.
“Fuck.Fine.Toagoodnight,”Isaid.
“Lame,”Silversaid.
Irolledmyeyes.“Shutupanddrink.”
“Cheers.”Wetouchedglasstoglassandthentothewoodofthebar.Naomimimickedus,andIwatchedherassheknockedbackhershot.
Iexpectedhertostartgaspingandwheezinglikeasororitysisterduringpledgeweek.Butthosehazeleyeswentwideasshelookedatheremptyglass.“SoapparentlyI’veneverhadgoodtequilabefore.”
“WelcometoHonkyTonk,”Maxsaid.
“Thanks.Andnowthatmyfirstshiftisofficiallycomplete,”Naomiputherglassandaprononthebarandturnedtome.“Iquit.”
Sheheadedforthedoor.
“Nooooo!”SilverandMaxcalledafterher.
“Youbetterdosomething,”Silversaid,pinningmewithaglare.“She’sgood.”
“Andshe’stryingtosupportakid,Knoxy.Haveaheart,”Maxpointedout.
Isworeundermybreath.“Walkeachotherout,”IorderedandthenwentafterNaomi.
Ifoundherintheparkinglotnexttoanancientten-speed.
“You’renotridingthatthinghome,”Iannounced,grabbingthehandlebars.
Naomiletoutalongsigh.“You’reluckyI’mtootiredtopedalorfight.ButIstillquit.”
“No,youdon’t.”Handinghertheapron,Ihauledthebikeovertomytruckandputitinthebed.Shelimpedalongafterme,shouldersslumped.
“Jesus,youlooklikeyougottrampledbyaherdofhorses.”
“I’mnotusedtobeingonmyfeetforhoursatatime.Okay,Mr.PushesPaperFromaComfyDeskChair?”
Iopenedthepassengersidedoorandgesturedforhertogetin.Shewincedwhensheclimbedup.
Iwaiteduntilshewassettledbeforeshuttingherdoorthenroundingthehoodandslidingbehindthewheel.“You’renotquitting,”Isaidjustincaseshehadn’theardmethefirsttime.
“Oh,I’mdefinitelyquitting.It’stheonlythingthatgotmethroughtheshift.Iplottedallnight.I’dbethebestdamnserveryoueversaw,andthenwhenyouhadyourchangeofheart,I’dtellyouIquit.”
“You’reun-quitting.”
Sheyawned.“You’rejustsayingthatsoyoucanfireme.”
“No.I’mnot,”Isaidgrimly.
“Youwantedmetoquit,”sheremindedme.“Iquit.Youwin.Yayyou.”
“Yeah,well,youdidn’tsuck.Andyouneedthemoney.”
“Yourbenevolenceisastounding.”
Ishookmyhead.Evenexhausted,hervocabularystillhithighontheSATscale.
Sherestedherheadagainsttheseat.“Whatarewewaitingfor?”
“Makingsurethegirlswalkouttogetherandgetintheircars.”
“That’sniceofyou,”shesaid,yawningagain.
“I’mnotacompleteassholeallthetime.”
“Sojustwithmethen?”Naomiasked.“Ifeelsolucky.”
“Cardsonthetable?”Ididn’tfeellikesugarcoatingit.“You’renotmytype.”
“Areyoukiddingmerightnow?”shesaid.
“Nope.”
“You’renotattractedtome,sothatmeansyoucan’tevenbeciviltome?”
Thebackdooropened,andwewatchedMaxandSilverexitwiththelastbagoftrash.Theymarchedittothedumpstertogetherandhigh-fivedafterheavingitin.Maxwaved,andSilvertossedmeanothersaluteontheirwaytotheirrespectivecars.
“Ididn’tsayIwasn’tattractedtoyou.Isaidyou’renotmytype.”
Shegroaned.“I’mdefinitelygoingtoregretthis,butIthinkyou’regoingtohavetobreakitdownforme.”
“Well,Daisy.Itmeansmydickdoesn’tcarethatyou’renotmytype.It’sstillstandingup,tryingtogetyourattention.”
Shewasquietforalongbeat.
“You’retoomuchwork.Comewithtoomanycomplications.Andyouwouldn’tbesatisfiedwithjustaquickfuck.”
“IbelieveKnoxMorganjustsaidhecouldn’tsatisfyme.IfonlyIhadaphonetoimmortalizethatstatementonsocialmedia.”
“A.You’regettinganewphoneimmediately.It’sirresponsibletogowithoutonewhenyouhaveakidtothinkabout.”
“Oh,shutup.It’sbeenahandfulofdays.Notmonths.Ididn’tknowIwasgoingtohaveakidtothinkabout,”shesaid.
“B.Icouldsatisfythehelloutofyou,”Iplowedon,pullingoutoftheparkinglot.“Butyou’djustwantmore,andthatdoesn’tsuitme.”
“BecauseI’man‘uppity,needypainintheass,’”shesaidtothedarknessoutherwindow.
Ididn’thaveadefense.Iwasanasshole.Plainandsimple.Andthesoonersherealizedthat,thefarthershe’dstayfromme.Metaphoricallyspeaking.
Naomiletoutawearysigh.“You’reluckyI’mtootiredtoslapyou,jumpoutofthisvehicle,andcrawlhome,”shesaidfinally.
Iturnedontothedirtlanethatledtohome.“Youcanslapmetomorrow.”
“Probablyjustmakeyouwantmemore.”
“You’reapaininmyass.”
“You’rejustmadbecausenowyouhavetofindanewspottopeeinyouryard.”THIRTEENHISTORYLESSONS
Naomi
WaylayandIhadsurvivednearlyanentireweektogether.Itfeltlikeamonumentalaccomplishmentasourlivescontinuedtohanginlimbo.TherehadbeennocontactfromthecourtsystemorChildProtectiveServicesyet.
ButI’dgroundupzucchiniandgreenbeansintolastnight’smeatloaftosneakpastWaylayWitt’sdiscerningnosejustincaseanyonewaswatching.
I’dworkedtwomorebarshifts,andthetipswerestartingtoaddup.AnotherfinancialboonwasthearrivalofmynewcreditanddebitcardsthatIgotinthemail.Ihadn’tgottenallofTina’schargeserasedfrommycreditcardstatement,buthavingaccesstomymeagersavingshadhelpedimmensely.
I’dhadtheforesighttopaythemortgageearlythismonthinanticipationofbeingtoodeliriouslyhappyonmyhoneymoontoworryaboutthingslikebills.ThatplusthefactthatInolongerhadacarpaymentorinsurancetocovermeantIcouldstretchadollarsurprisinglyfar.
Toearnthatfreerent,IcarvedoutafewhourstospendatLiza’s.
“Who’sthat?”Waylayasked,pointingataframedphotoI’dfoundtuckedintothebackofoneofthecabinetsinthediningroom.
Ilookedupfrommydustragandfurniturepolishtolook.Itwasapictureofanoldermanlookingproudenoughtoburstwithhisarmaroundabeamingredheadinacapandgown.
Liza,whohadsaidrepeatedlyshedidn’tlikecleaningbutstillinsistedonfollowingusfromroomtoroom,lookedatthephotolikeshewasseeingitforthefirsttime.Shetookaslow,shakybreath.“That’s,uh.Myhusband,Billy.Andthat’sourdaughter,Jayla.”
Waylayopenedhermouthtoaskanotherquestion,butIinterrupted,sensingLizadidn’twanttotalkaboutmorefamilymembersthathadn’tbeenmentioneduntilnow.Therewasareasonthisbighousehadbeenclosedupfromtherestoftheworld.AndIguessedthereasonwasinthatpicture.
“Haveanyplansthisweekend,Liza?”Icutin,givingWaylayalittleshakeofmyhead.
Sheputthephotofacedownonthetable.“Plans?Ha!”shescoffed.“Idothesamethingeverydamnday.Dragmyassoutofbedandputter.Allday,everyday.Inside,outside.”
“Whatareyouputteringonthisweekend?”Waylayasked.
Igaveherathumbs-upthatLizacouldn’tsee.
“Gardenneedssomeattention.Don’tsupposeeitherofyouliketomatoes?Got’emcomin’outofmyears.”
“WaylayandIlovetomatoes,”Isaidasmyniecemimedvomitingonthefloor.
“I’llsendyouhomewithabushelthen,”Lizadecided.
***
“I’llbedamned.Yougotalltheburntcrustystuffoffthestovetop,”Lizaobservedtwohourslater.ShewasleaningoverherrangewhileIrestedonthefloor,mylegsstretchedoutinfrontofme.
Iwassweating,andmyfingerswerecrampedfromaggressivescrubbing.Buttheprogresswasundeniable.Themoundofdisheswasdoneandputaway,andtherangegleamedblackonallsurfaces.I’dtakenallofthepapers,boxes,andbagsofftheislandandtaskedLizawithsortingitallintoKeepandTosspiles.TheKeeppilewasfourtimesthesizeoftheTosspile,butitstillcountedasprogress.
Waylaywasmakingherownkindofprogress.Assoonasshe’dfixedtheerrante-readerthathadeatenLiza’sdownloadandaprinterthathadlostitsWi-Ficonnection,LizahadhandedoveranoldBlackberryI’dfoundinthedrawernexttothesink.IfWaylaycouldcoaxitbacktolife,LizasaidIcouldhaveit.Afreephonewithanumbernoneofmyoldcontactshad?Itwasperfect
“I’mstarving,”Waylayannounced,throwingherselfdowndramaticallyonthenow-visiblecounter.Randythebeaglebarkedasiftoemphasizethedirenessofmyniece’sstarvation.Kittythepitbullwassoundasleepinthemiddleofthefloor,hertonguelollingoutontothefloor.
“Thenlet’seat,”Lizasaid,clappingherhands.
Ontheword“eat,”bothdogsandmyniecesnappedtoattention.
“’Course,I’mnotcookinginhere.Notwithitlookingshowroomnew,”Lizaadded.“We’llgotoDino’s.Mytreat.”
“Theirpepperoniisthebest,”Waylaysaid,perkingup.
“Icouldeatawholepepperonipiemyself,”Lizaagreed,hitchinguphercargoshorts.
Itwasnicetoseemyniecegettingcomfortablewithanadult,butIwouldhavelikeditbetterifIwastheoneshewassharingpepperonipreferenceswith.
Icouldn’tshakethefeelingthatIwasfailingatestinaclassI’dforgottentoattendallsemester.
***
Ichangedoutofmycleaningclothesandintoasundress,thenLizadroveusintotowninheroldBuickthatfloatedaroundcornerslikeaMacy’sThanksgivingDayParadefloat.Shesqueezedintoaparkingspaceinfrontofastorefrontunderanorangeawning.ThesigninthewindowsaidDino’sPizza.
Afewdoorsdownwassomekindofsalonorbarbershop,itsbrickfacadepaintedadeepblue.Anarrangementofwhiskeybottlesandcactiinclaypotscreatedaneye-catchingwindowdisplay.
Whenwegotout,apairofbikersstrolledoutofthepizzashop,headedtowardtwoHarleys.Oneofthemshotmeawinkandagrin.
“Thatain’tTina,”Lizabellowed.
“Iknow,”hecalledback.“How’sitgoin’,NotTina?”
Well,atleastthefactthatIwasn’tTinawasstartingtosinkin.ButIwasn’tveryfondoftheNotTinanickname.IwavedawkwardlyandpushedWaylayaheadofmetowardtherestaurantdoor,hopingthattheNotTinathingwouldn’tcatchon.
LizaignoredthePleaseWaittoBeSeatedsignandshovedherselfintoanemptybooth.
WaylaymarchedafterherwhileIhesitated,wantingpermission.
“Berightwithy’all,”theguybehindthecountercalled.
Relieved,IslidintotheboothnexttoWaylay.
“SowhatdoyouthinkofKnockemoutsofar?”Lizaaskedme.
“Oh,uh.It’sverycharming,”Isaid,perusingthesaladsonthemenu.“Howdidthetowngetitsname?”
“Don’tknowifthere’sanofficialanswer.Justthatthistownhasalwayssettleditsdifferenceswithagoodold-fashionedfight.Noneofthisdraggingthingsoutincourt,gettinghoity-toitylawyersinvolved.Somebodydoesyouwrong,youringtheirbell,andthenyou’resquare.Simple.Quick.”
“That’snothoweveryonesolvesproblems,”ItoldWaylaysternly.
“Idon’tknow.It’sawfulsatisfyingpunchingsomeoneintheface,”myniecemused.“Youevertryit?”
“Physicalviolenceisnevertheanswer,”Iinsisted.
“Maybeshe’sright,”Lizasaid,addressingWaylay.“Lookatmygrandsons.Somethingscan’tbesolvedwithacoupleofpunches.”
“KnoxhadNashinaheadlock,”Waylaysaid.
“Whereisourserver?”Iaskednooneinparticular.
“Soundsaboutright,”LizaagreedwithWaylay.
“Whataretheyfightin’about?”mynieceasked.
“Thosemule-headedboysarealwaysfighting.”
“Ihearditwasaboutawoman.”
Ijoltedastheserverleanedoverthetabletothrowdownnapkinsandstraws.
“Nowwhatwomanwouldthatbe,Neecey?”Lizasaid.
“I’mjustrepeatin’whatIheard.”
“Seein’ashoweveryoneknowsKnoxhasn’tdatedagirlfromthistownsincehighschool.RememberJillyAuckermovedherselftoCantonjusttoseeifachangeinzipcodewouldpushhimovertheedge?”
“Yeah.Thenshemetthatlumberjackandhadhisfourlumberjackbabies,”Neeceysaid.
Ididn’twanttobeinterestedinthatparticularinformation,butIcouldn’thelpmyself.
“I’mjustrepeatin’whatIheard.It’sadamnshameneitherofthoseboyshaveeversettleddown.”Neeceyadjustedherglassesandcrackedhergum.“IfIweretwentyyearsyounger,I’dendtheirfeudbyselflesslyofferingtosharemyselfwithbothofthem.”
“I’msureyourhusbandwouldhavesomethingtosayaboutthat,”Lizaventured.
“Vin’sfallin’asleeponthesofafivenightsoutofseveneveryweekforthepasttenyears.Inmybook,yousnooze,youlose.YoumustbeNotTina,”theserversaid.“HeardyouandKnoxgotintoscreamingmatchesatthecafeandHonkyTonk,andthenheapologized,butyoubrokeachairoverhishead,andheneededsixstitches.”
Iwasrenderedspeechless.Waylay,ontheotherhand,eruptedintopealsoflaughter.
Thistowncertainlyloveditsgossip.Withrumorslikethat,itwasnowonderIhadn’theardanythingfromthecaseworkeryet.Theywereprobablyworkingonawarrantformyarrest.
“Thishere’sNaomiandherniece,Waylay,”Lizasaid,makingtheintroductions.
“AndIdidn’tbreakachairoveranyone’shead,nomatterhowmuchtheydeservedit.I’maveryresponsibleadult,”ItoldNeecey,inhopesthatshe’dpassthatrumoralong.
“Huh.Bummer,”shesaid.
“CanIhaveadollartoplaysomemusic?”Waylayasked,pointingatthejukeboxinthecornerafterwe’dplacedourorders.
BeforeIcouldsayanything,Lizashovedacrumpledfive-dollarbillather.“Playsomecountry.Imisshearingit.”
“Thanks!”WaylaysnatchedthebilloutofLiza’shandandheadedforthejukebox.
“Whydon’tyoulistentocountryanymore?”Iasked.
Thatsamelookshe’dhadwhenWaylayaskedheraboutthephotocameback.Wistfulandsad.“Mydaughterwastheonewhoplayedit.Haditontheradiomorning,noon,andnight.Taughttheboystolinedancepracticallybeforetheycouldwalk.”
Therewasalotofpasttenseinthatsentence.Spontaneously,Ireachedoutandsqueezedherhand.Herfocuscamebacktome,andshesqueezedmyhandbackbeforepullingfree.
“Speakin’offamily,mygrandsonsurehasshownsomeinterestinyou.”
“NashhasbeensohelpfulsinceIgottotown,”Isaid.
“NotNash,youninny.Knox.”
“Knox?”Irepeated,certainI’dheardherwrong.
“Bigguy?Tattoos?Pissedoffattheworld?”
“Hehasn’tshowninterest,Liza.He’sshowndisdain,disgust,andmalice.”He’dalsosharedanaggressiveannouncementthathisbodyfoundmybodyattractive,buttherestofhimfoundtherestofmerevolting.
Shehooted.“Ibetyou’retheone.”
“Theonewhat?”
“Theonewho’sgonnahavehimreconsideringthiswholebachelordeal.Betmoneyyou’rethefirstgirlhedatesfromthistownintwenty-plusyears.Andbydates,Imean—”
Iheldthemenuupovermyface.“Iunderstandwhatyoumean,butyou’revery,verywrong.”
“He’squitethecatch,”sheinsisted.“Andnotjustcauseofthelotterymoney.”
Iwas100percentcertainshewasmessingwithme.
“Knoxwonthelottery?”Iaskeddryly.
“Elevenmillion.Coupleofyearsback.”
Iblinked.“You’reserious,aren’tyou?”
“Asaheartattack.Andhewasn’toneofthosebuy-a-big-ass-mansion-and-a-fleet-of-foreign-carswinners.He’sevenrichernowthanwhenhegotthatbigcheck,”shesaidwithpride.
Theman’sbootswereolderthanWaylay.
Helivedonhisgrandmother’spropertyinacabin.
IthoughtofWarnerandhisfamily,whodefinitelydidnothave$11million,butactedasiftheywerethecrustiestoftheuppercrust.
“Buthe’sjustso…grumpy.”
Lizasmirked.“Guessitjustgoestoshowmoneycan’tbuyhappiness.”
***
Wewerejustdiggingintoalargepepperoniandsalad—well,technicallyIwastheonlyonewithsaladonmyplate—whenthefrontdooropenedandinwalkedSloanethelibrarianfollowedbyayounggirl.
Today,Sloaneworealongtie-dyeskirtthatskimmedheranklesandafittedt-shirtwithcuffedsleeves.Sheworeherhairdown,creatingalong,goldencurtainthatmovedlikethematerialofherskirt.Thegirlbehindherwasachubby-cheekedcherub.Shehaddarkskin,assessingbrowneyes,andworeherhairinanadorablepuffontopofherhead.
“Hey,Sloane!”Igreetedherwithawave.
Thelibrarian’sredlipscurvedinasmile,andshejerkedherheadatthegirlwhofollowed.“Well,ifitisn’tLiza,Naomi,andWaylay.Chloe,doyouknowWay?”Sloaneasked.
Thegirltappedasparklypinknailedfingertoherchin.“WehadBlunchtogetherlastyear,didn’twe?YousatwithNina—theshortonewithblackhairNina,notthetallonewithbadbreath.She’sreallynice,shejustdoesn’tdoagoodjobwiththebrushing.I’minMrs.Felch’sclassthisyearandI’mnothappyaboutit’causeeveryonesaysshe’sameanoldlady.Iheardshe’sevenmeaner’causesheandherhusbandaretalkingaboutadivorce.”
InoticedthatWaylaywasstaringatChloewithwaryinterest.
“Chloe!”Sloanesoundedbothamusedandembarrassed.
“What?I’monlyrepeatingwhatIheardfromseveralverygoodsources.Whoseclassareyouin?”sheaskedWaylay.
“Mrs.Felch,”Waylaysaid.
“SixthgradeisgonnabeawesomeevenifwedohavemeanoldMrs.Felchbecausewegettoswitchroomsandteachersforscience,art,gym,andmath.Pluswe’vegotNinaandBeauandWillowinclasswithus,”Chloeplowedon.“Doyouknowwhatyou’rewearingonthefirstday?Ican’tdecidebetweenanall-pinkensembleorapink-and-whiteensemble.”
Itwasalotofwordstotakeinfromsuchasmallperson.
“Ifyoueverneedtoknowanythingaboutanyone,justaskmynieceChloe,”Sloanesaid,lookingamused.
Chloegrinned,showingadimpleinonecheek.“I’mnotallowedtovisitAuntSloaneatthelibrarycauseshesaysItalktoomuch.Idon’tthinkItalktoomuch.Ijusthavealotofinformationthatneedstobedisseminatedtothepublic.”
WaylaywasstaringatChloewithhalfofhersliceofpizzahangingoutofhermouth.IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dbeeninschoolandfacedwithacoolgirl.ButChloehadcoolgirlwrittenalloverher.
“Weshouldgetourmoms,orIguessyourauntandmymomormyaunt,toscheduleaplaydate.Areyouintocraftsorhiking?Maybebaking?”
“Uhh,”Waylaysaid.
“Youcanletmeknowatschool,”Chloesaid.
“Thanks?”Waylaycroaked.
Itoccurredtomethatifpeopleinthegrocerystoreweregivinghertheevileye,Waylaymightnothavealotoffriendsatschool.Afterall,itwasn’thardtoimaginemothersnotwantingtheirdaughterstobringhomeTinaWitt’sdaughter.
Inspirationstruck.“Hey,we’rethrowingalittledinnerpartySunday.Wouldyoutwoliketocome?”
“Mydayoff,andIdon’thavetocook?Countmein,”Sloanesaid.“Whataboutyou,Chlo?”
“I’llcheckmysocialcalendarandgetbacktoyou.IhaveabirthdaypartyandtennislessonsonSaturday,butIthinkI’mfreeSunday.”
“Great!”Isaid.WaylayshotmealookthatmademethinkIsoundedalittlebitdesperate.
“Perfect!Let’sgrabourto-goorderbeforeitgetscold,”Sloanesuggested,steeringChloetowardthecounter.
“Damn,thatkidcantalk,”Lizaobserved.Shelookedatme.“Sowhenwereyougonnainvitemetothisdinnerparty?”
“Uh…now?”
Weateourpizza,Iateoursalad,andLizapickedupthebilllikethepatronsaintoftemporarilybroketenants.WehitthesidewalkandtheVirginiaheat.ButLizaheadedintheoppositedirectionofthecar.ShetottereddowntothebuildingonthecornerandknockedloudlyonWhiskeyClipper’splateglasswindow.
Waylayjoinedher,andtheybothstartedwaving.
“Whatareyoutwodoing?”Iasked,hurryingafterthem.
“Knoxownsthisplacetooanddoessomebarbering,”Lizasaidwithahintofpride.
Wearinghisusualuniformofwornjeans,afittedt-shirt,andancientmotorcycleboots,KnoxMorganwasstandingbehindoneofthesalonchairs,takingastraightrazortoacustomer’scheek.Hehadaleatherapron-likeorganizerhunglowonhishipswithscissorsandothertoolstuckedinthepouches.
I’dneverhadabarberfetishbefore.Ididn’tevenknowifthatwasalegitimatefetish.Butwatchingthosetattooedforearms,thosedexteroushandswork,IfeltanannoyingpulseofdesiresparktolifeunderthepizzaI’dinhaled.
Hisgazemetmine,andforasecond,itfeltliketheglasswasn’tthere.ItfeltlikeIwasbeingdraggedintohisgravityagainstmywill.Itfeltlikeitwasjustthetwoofussharingsomekindofsecret.
IknewwhatI’dbethinkingaboutandhatingmyselfforwhenIlaiddowninbedtonight.FOURTEENTHEDINNERPARTY
Knox
“Beerandcatchagame?Beerandshoottheshitonthedeck?”IaskedJeremiahasheandWaylonfollowedmeupthestepstomycabin.Onceeverytwoweeksorso,I’dtakeanearlynight,andwe’dgettogetheroutsideofwork.
“Iwannafindoutwhat’sgotyourbeardsodroopy.Youwerefineacoupleofdaysago.Yourusualgrumpyself.Nowyou’repouting.”
“Idon’tpout.Iponder.Inamanlyway.”
Jeremiahsnickeredbehindme.
Iunlockedthedoorand,despitemybestefforts,glancedinthedirectionofthecottage.
Therewerecarsparkedinfrontofthecottage,musicplaying.Great.Thewomanwasasocializer.Anotherreasontostayfarthehellawayfromher.
NotthatIhadto,seeingashowshe’dbeenavoidingmelikeIwastheproblem.Thepastweekhadbeenastruggle.Anannoyingone.NaomiWitt,I’ddiscovered,wasawarm,friendlyperson.Andwhenshewasn’tfeelingwarmandfriendlytowardyou,youdefinitelyfeltthecold.Sherefusedtomakeeyecontactwithme.Hersmilesand“Surething,boss”responseswereperfunctory.EvenwhenIdroveherhomeandwewerealoneinthetruck,thefrostinessdidn’tthawadegree.
EverytimeIthoughtI’dgottenahandleonit,shepoppedup.Eitherinherbackyardoratmygrandmother’s.Inmyownbar.Hell,afewdaysago,she’dfloateduptothewindowatWhiskeyClipperlikeagoddamnvision.
Shewasdrivingmefuckingnuts.
“See?Thatrightthere,”Jersaid,pointingafingerinmyface.“Pouting.What’sgoingonwithyou,man?”
“Nothing.”Inoticedmybrother’sdepartmentvehicleparkedatthecottage.“Fuck.”
“Thereareasonyoudon’tlikeseeingyourbrother’scarparkedatNotTina’s?”
“Isitthebisexualpartofyouthatwantstotalkaboutfuckingfeelingsallthetime?”Iasked.“Orisitthe‘Icomefromabig,Lebanesefamilythatknowseverythingabouteverybody’partthatIcanblame?”
“Whynotboth?”hesaidwithaquickgrin.
Aparticularlyloudburstoflaughtercaughtourattention,asdidthescentofgrilledmeat.
Waylon’snosetwitched.Thewhitetipofhistailfrozeintheair.
“No,”Isaidsternly.
Imightaswellhavesaid,“Sure,bud.Gogetyourselfahotdog.”Becausemydogtookofflikeastreak.
“Lookslikewe’rejoiningtheparty,”Jeremiahobserved.
“Fuck.I’mgettingabeerfirst.”
Aminutelater,coldbeersinhand,wewanderedaroundthebackofthecottagetofindhalfofKnockemoutonNaomi’sporch.
Sloane,theprettylibrarian,wastherewithherniece,Chloe,whowaswadingknee-deepinthecreekwithWaylayandmygrandmother’sdogs.LizaJwassittingnexttoTallulahwhileJusticemannedthegrillandmypainintheassbrotherflirtedwithNaomi.
Shelookedlikesummer.
ConsideringI’dhadtwosipsofbeer,Icouldn’tblamealcoholonmymentalprose.Mymouthwentdryasmygazestartedatherbarefeet,thenmovedupthelong,tanlegstowheretheydisappearedundertheflirty,lemonyellowsundress.
“Sothat’stheproblem,”Jeremiahsaidsmugly.HewaslookingrightatNaomi,andIdidn’tmuchcareforit.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isaid.
Waylonbarreledhiswayupontotheporchandmadeabeelineforthegrill.
“Waylon!”Naomilookeddelightedtoseemydog.Shecroucheddowntogreethim,andevenfromhere,thepeekofcleavagewasenoughtotiemyballsinaknot.
“Waylon,”Ibarked.
Myjerkofadogwastoobusyenjoyingtheaffectionofabeautifulwomantobotherlisteningtome.
“Knox!Jer!”Tallulahcalledwhenshespottedusintheyard.“Joinus.”
Naomilookedup,andIsawthesunshinefadefromherfacewhenshespottedme.Theicewallswentup.
“Wedon’twanttoimpose,”Jeremiahsaid,cagilyeyeingthespread.Thereweredeviledeggs,grilledvegetables,somekindoflayereddipthinginafancydish,andfourkindsofdesserts.Onthegrill,Justicewasturningchickenbreastsandhotdogs.
“You’rewelcometojoinus,”Naomisaidthroughasmilethatwasmoregrittedteeththaninvitation.Hermessagewasclear.Shedidn’twantmehereathercozylittledinnerparty.
Well,Ididn’twantherinmyheadeverytimeIclosedmyfuckingeyes.SoIconsideredthescoreequal.
“Ifyouinsist,”Jeremiahsaid,shootingmeatriumphantlook.
“Niceflowers,”Isaid.Therewasabluevaseoverflowingwithwildbloomsinthecenterofthetable.
“Nashbroughtthem,”Naomisaid.
Iwantedtosmackthesmuglookofsatisfactionrightoffmybrother’sface.
Sohebroughtagirlflowers,andIcouldbarelygethertosaytwowordstome.Heshouldknowbetterthantochallengemelikethat.
Iplayeddirty.EvenwhenIdidn’tcareaboutwinning.IjustwantedNashtolose.
***
BetweeneatingandshootingtheshitwithNaomi’seclecticguests,Iwatchedher.ShesatbetweenWaylayandNash,whohadallbutpushedmeoutofthewaylikewewereplayingmusicalchairs.Theconversationwaslively,themoodupbeat.
Naomilaughedandtalkedandlistened,allwhilekeepinganeyeoneveryone’splatesandglasses,offeringsecondhelpingsandtop-offswiththeexpertiseofsomeonewhospenttheirlifelookingoutforothers.
Shewaswarm,attentive,funny.Excepttome.
SomaybeI’dbeenabitofadick.Personally,Ididn’tthinkthatwasenoughofaninfractionformetoberelegatedtoIceTown.
InoticedeverytimeSloaneorChloementionedsomethingaboutschoolstarting,Naomigotpaleandsometimesexcusedherselftogoinside.
ShetalkedtoJeremiahabouthairandWhiskeyClipper.ShetalkedaboutcoffeeandsmallbusinesswithJusticeandTallulah.Andhadnoproblemsmilingatanystupidthingthatcameoutofmybrother’smouth.ButnomatterhowlongIwatchedher,sheneveronceglancedinmydirection.Iwastheinvisibledinnerguest,anditwasrubbingmethewrongway.
“LizaJwastellingusstoriesofyouandNashgrowingupearlier,”Justicesaidtome.
Icouldonlyimaginewhichstoriesmygrandmotherhaddecidedon.“Wasittherockfightinthecreekortheziplinefromthechimney?”Iaskedmybrother.
“Both,”Nashsaid,lipsquirked.
“Itwasquitethechildhood,”ItoldJustice.
“Didyourparentslivewithyou?”Waylayasked.Itwasaninnocentquestioncomingfromakidwhoknewwhatitwasliketonotlivewithherparents.
Iswallowedandlookedforanescape
“Welivedwithourparentsuntilourmompassed,”Nashtoldher.
“I’msosorrytohearthat.”ThatcamefromNaomi,andthistimeshewaslookingrightfuckingatme.
Inoddedstiffly.
“Naomi,didyoupickupWaylay’sschoollaptopyet?”Sloaneasked.“MysistersaidChloe’swasalittlebuggy.”
“Yeah,everytimeIopentheinternet,itrestarts.HowamIsupposedtowatchage-appropriatevideosonYouTubewithnointernet?”Chloechimedin.
“Or,Idon’tknow,doschoolwork?”Sloaneteased.
“Icouldprobablytakealookatit,”Waylayoffered.
Chloe’sbrowneyeswidened.“You’reaSTEMgirl?”
“What’sthat?”Waylayaskedwithsuspicion.
“ScienceTechnologyEngineeringMath,”Sloanefilledin.
“Yeah.Nerdstuff,”Chloeadded.
Sloaneelbowedherniece.
“Ow!Idon’tmeannerdlikebad.Nerdsaregood.Nerdsarecool.Nerdsaretheoneswhogrowuptoruncompaniesandmakebazillionsofdollars,”Chloesaid.ShelookedatWaylay.“Nerdsaredefinitelygood.”
ThetopsofWaylay’searsturnedpink.
“Mymomalwayssaidnerdswerelosers,”shesaidquietly.SheshotNaomialook.“Shesaidgirlswholikeddressesanddoingtheirhairwere…uh,bad.”
IhadthesuddenurgetohuntdownTinaanddrop-kickherassintothecreekfornotbeingthekindofmotherherkidneeded.
“Yourmomgotalotofthingsmixedup,kiddo,”Naomisaid,runningherhandoverWaylay’shair.“Shedidn’tunderstandthatpeoplecouldbemorethanonethingorlikemorethanonething.Youcanweardressesandmakeupandbuildrockets.Youcandressinsuitsandplaybaseball.Youcanbeamillionaireandworkinyourpajamas.”
“Yourmomdoesn’tlikedressesandhair?”Chloescoffed.“She’smissingout.Ihadtwowardrobechangesformybirthdaylastyear,andIgotabowandarrow.Youbeyou.Don’tletsomeonewhodoesn’tlikefashiontellyouanything.”
“ListentoChloe,who’sabouttoloseahotdogoffherplate—Getdown,Waylon,”Lizasaid.
Mydogfroze,mid-sneak.
“Wecanstillseeyouevenifyou’renotmovin’,dumbass,”Iremindedhim.
Waylaygiggled.
Pouting,Waylonslunkbackunderthetable.Secondslater,InoticedWaylaytearoffapieceofherhotdogandcasuallytuckitunderthecheckeredcloth.
Naominoticedittoobutdidn’ttattleoneitheroneofthem.
“Ifyoubroughtyourlaptopalong,Icouldtakealook,”Waylayoffered.
“Well,ifyou’redoingalittlepost-dinnertechsupport,”Tallulahsaid,pullingahugeiPadoutofherworkbag,“Ijustgotthisfortheshop,andI’mhavingtroubletransferringeverythingoverfromtheoldone.”
“Tendollarsajob,”Isaid,slappingthetable.
Everyone’seyescametome.Waylay’slipsquirked.
“WaylayWittdoesn’tworkforfree.Youwantthebest?Yougottapayforit,”Itoldthem.
Hertinysmilewasasmirknow,whichmorphedintoafull-outgrinwhenTallulahyankeda$10billoutofherpurseandhandeditover.“Firstpayingcustomer,”Tallulahsaidproudly.
“AuntSloane!”Chloehissed.
Sloanegrinnedandwentforherpurse.“Here’sa$20foryourtrouble.MissFashionherealsodribbledhoneyonthespacebarwhenshewasmakingtea.”
Waylaypocketedthebillsandsatdowntogettowork.
Thistime,Naomilockedeyeswithme.Shedidn’tsmile,didn’tsay“thankyou”or“getmenakedtonight.”Buttherewasstillsomethingthere.SomethingIitchedtounlocksimmeringinthosehazeleyes.
Andthenitwasgone.
“Excuseme,”shesaid,pushingbackfromthetable.“I’llberightback.”
Nashwatchedherwalkaway,thatbrightyellowmaterialslidingovertannedthighs.
Icouldn’tblamehim.ButIalsocouldn’tlethimhaveher.
WhenJeremiahcaughthisattentionwithaquestionaboutfootball,IuseditasanopportunitytofollowNaomiinside.Ifoundherbentovertherolltopdesknexttothestairsinthelivingroom.
“Whatchadoing?”
Shejumped,shouldershitching.Thenspunaround,holdingherhandsbehindherback.Whenshesawitwasme,sherolledhereyes.“Istheresomethingyouneed?Aslapacrosstheface?Anexcusetoleave?”
Iclosedthedistancebetweenusslowly.Ididn’tknowwhyIwasdoingit.Ijustknewthatwatchinghersmileatmybrothermademychesttight,thatbeingfrozenoutwasgettingtome.AndthecloserImovedtoher,thewarmerIfelt.
“Thoughtmoneywastight,”Isaidwhenshetiltedherheadtolookupatme.
“Oh,biteme,Viking.”
“Justsayin’,Daisy,yourfirstnightonthejob,yougavemeasobstoryoflosingyoursavingsandsupportingyourniece.Nowitlookslikeyou’refeedinghalfthecounty.”
“It’sapotluck,Knox.Bytheway,you’retheonlyonewhodidn’tbringanythingtoshare.Besides,Iwasn’tdoingittosocialize.”
Ilikedthewayshesaidmynamewhenshewasexasperated.Hell,Ijustlikedmynameonthoselips.
“Allrightthen.WhyareyouhostinghalfofKnockemoutforapotluck?”
“IfItellyoudoyoupromisetodousbothafavorandgoaway?”
“Absolutely,”Ilied.
Shebitherlipandpeeredovermyshoulder.“Fine.It’sbecauseofChloe.”
“You’rethrowingadinnerpartyforaneleven-year-old?”
Sherolledhereyes.“No!ThatadorablechatterboxisthemostpopulargirlinWaylay’sgrade.Theyhavethesameteacherthisyear.Iwasjusttryingtogivethemachancetospendsometimetogether.”
“You’rematchmakingsixth-graders?”
Naomi’sjawjuttedoutandshecrossedherarmsoverherchest.Ididn’tmindbecauseitpressedherbreastsuphigheragainstthenecklineofherdress.
“Youwouldn’tunderstandwhatit’sliketowalkthroughtownandbejudgedbypeoplejustbecauseofwhoyou’rerelatedto,”shehissed.
Itookastepclosertoher.“You’redeadwrongaboutthat.”
“Okay.Fine.Whatever.IwantWaylaytogotoschoolwithactualfriends,notjustrumorsthatshe’sTinaWitt’sabandoneddaughter.”
Itwasprobablyasolidplay.I’dhadmybrotherandLucianonthefirstdayofschoolwhenwe’dmovedhere.Nooneinschoolhadthegutstosayshitaboutoneofussincewewereprotectedbythepack.
“Thenwhat’sthis?”Iasked,grabbingthenotebookshehadclutchedinonehand.
“Knox!Stop!”
“EmergencyBack-to-SchoolToDo,”Iread.“Pickuplaptop.Trytoschedulemeetingwithteacher.Backtoschoolclothesandsupplies.Money.”Iletoutalowwhistle.“Alotofquestionmarksafterthatone.”
Shelungedforthenotebook,butIhelditoutofherreachandflippedbackapage.Ifoundanothertodolistandanotherone.“Suredolikelists,”Iobserved.
Herhandwritingstartedoutniceandneat,butthefartherdownthelistitgot,Icouldpracticallyfeelthepanicinherpenmanship.Thewomanhadalotonherplate.Andnotmuchtodoitwithiftheglimpseofherbankbalancesscrawledatthebottomofashoppinglistwereanyindicator.
ThistimeIallowedhertosnatchthenotebookback.Shethrewitonthedeskbehindherandpickedupherwineglass.
“Stayoutofmybusiness,Knox,”shesaid.Hercheekswerepink,andtherewasn’tahintoffrostinthosegorgeoushazeleyesnow.Everytimeshetookadeepbreath,herbreastsgrazedmychestanddrovemejustalittlemoreinsane.
“Youdon’thavetodothisalone,youknow,”Isaid.
Sheclappedhernon-wine-holdinghandtoherforeheadinmockexcitement.“Ofcourse!Icanjustaskforhandoutsfromstrangers.Whydidn’tIthinkofthat?Thatwouldn’tmakemelooklikeI’mincapableoftakingcareofachildintheeyesofthelaw.Problemsolved.”
“There’snothin’wrongwithacceptingalittlehelpnowandthen.”
“Idon’tneedhelp.Ineedtime,”sheinsisted,hershoulderstensing,handfistingatherside.“Sloanementionedshemighthaveapart-timepositionopeningupatthelibraryafterschoolstarts.Icansaveupandgetacar.Icanmakethiswork.Ijustneedtime.”
“YouwantextrashiftsatHonkyTonk,saytheword.”Icouldn’tseemtostopwantingthiswoman’sorbittooverlapwithmyown.Itwasastupid,dangerousgameIwasplaying.
“Thisfromthemanwhocalledmean‘uppity,needypainintheass’andtriedtofiremeonthespot.ForgivemeifIdon’teveraskyouforanything.”
“Oh,comeon,Naomi.Iwaspissedoff.”
Shelookedatmelikeshewantedtolightmeonfire.“And?”shesaidpointedly.
“Andwhat?IsaidsomeshitbecauseIwaspissedoff.Youweren’tsupposedtohearit.Notmyfaultyouwereeavesdroppin’onaprivateconversation.”
“YouyelledtwosecondsafterIwalkedoutthedoor!Youcan’tjustdothat!Wordshavepower.Theymakepeoplefeelthings.”
“Sostopfeelin’things,andlet’smoveon,”Isuggested.
“ThatmightbethemostridiculousthingI’veeverheardinmylife.”
“Doubtthat.YougrewupwithTina.”
Theiceinherhadthawedandturnedtomoltenlava.“IdidgrowupwithTina.IwasninewhenIoverheardhertellingmybestfriendtheyshouldplaywithoutmebecauseIwastoosnobbytohaveanyfun.IwasfourteenwhenshekissedtheboysheknewIlikedandtoldmeIwastooneedyforhimoranyonetoeverwantme.”
FuckingA.ThisiswhyIhatedtalkingtopeople.Soonerorlater,youalwaysstuckyourfingerinawound.
Iranmyhandthroughmyhair.
“ThenalongcomesKnoxMorgan.Whodoesn’twantmearoundbecause,despitemydefectivepersonalityofbeinguppityandneedy,youstillmanagedtobeattractedtomybody.”
“Look,Daisy.It’snothingpersonal.”
“Exceptitisdeeplypersonal.”
“Putalotofthoughtintobeingpissedoffaboutthis,haven’tyou?”MaybeIwasn’ttheonlyonelosingsleep
“Goscrewyourself,Knox!”
ThebriskknockatthefrontdoormadeNaomijump.Winesloshedovertherimofherglass.
“AmIinterrupting?”ThewomanontheothersideofthescreendoorwasafewinchesshyofNaomiandworearumpledgraysuit.Herdarkhairwaspulledbackinatightbun.
“Ummm,”Naomimanagedasshetriedtoblotatthewineonherchestwithherhands.“Uhhh.”
“I’mYolandaSuarez.WithChildProtectiveServices.”
Ah.Fuckme.
Naomiwentrigor-mortisstiffnexttome.IsnatchedtheboxoftissuesoffthetopofthedeskandhandedittoNaomi.“Here,”Isaid.
Whenshejuststaredatthevisitorwithoutmoving,Iyankedafewtissuesoutandstartedtoblotupthedisaster
Ittookabouttwodabsintohercleavagebeforeshesnappedoutofitandslappedmyhandsaway.
“Um!Welcome.Thisisn’tmywine,”Naomisaid,eyeswide.Thevisitor’sgazeslidtothenow-emptyglassNaomiwasholding.“Imeanitis.Idon’tknowwhyIsaidthat.ButI’mnotdrinkingalotofit.I’mresponsible.AndIhardlyeveryellatmeninmylivingroom.”
“Okaaaaaay.IsChiefMorganhere?Heaskedmetostopby,”Yolandaaskedcoolly.FIFTEENKNOXGOESSHOPPING
Naomi
Twodayslater,Iwasstillhavingminiheartattackseverytimesomeonecametothedoor.NashhadinvitedYolanda,Waylay’scaseworker,tostopbysohecouldintroduceus.He’djusthadnoideathatshe’dshowupwhenIwasinthemiddleofunloadingalifetimeofbaggageonKnoxMorgan.
Theintroductionhadbeenbriefandawkward.Yolandahandedoverapapercopyoftheguardianshipapplication,andIcouldfeelherclassifyingmeasascreamingshrewwithatastefortoomuchwine.Onthebrightside,Waylayhadbeenmercifullypoliteanddidn’tmentionhowIwastorturingherwithvegetablesinhermeals.
I’dover-analyzedtheinformalmeetingtothepointwhereIwasconvincedI’dbarelysurvivedaninterrogationandthatYolandaSuarezhatedme.Mynewmissionwasn’tjusttobejudgedan“acceptable”kinshipguardian—IwasgoingtobethebestkinshipguardianNorthernVirginiahadeverseen.
Theverynextday,I’dborrowedLiza’sBuickandmarchedintoKnockemout’sconsignmentshop.PackRatshadcoughedup$400formycustom-made,barelywornweddingdress.ThenI’dgrabbedacoffeefromJusticeandgonestraighthometofinalizetheback-to-schoolshoppinglist.
“Guesswhatwe’redoingtoday,”IsaidtoWaylayaswehadourlunchofsandwichesandcarrotsticksonthebackporch.
Thesunwasshining,thecreekburblinglazilyasitflowedpasttheedgeofthegrass.
“Probablysomethingboring,”Waylaypredictedasshetossedanothercarrotstickoverhershoulderintotheyard
“Back-to-schoolshopping.”
Shelookedatmewithsuspicion.“Isthatathing?”
“Ofcourseit’sathing.You’reakid.Kidsgrow.Theyoutgrowoldstuffandneednewstuff.”
“You’retakingmeshopping.Forclothes?”Waylaysaidslowly.
“Andshoes.Andschoolsupplies.Yourteacherhasn’tansweredmyemailsyet,soIgotacopyofthesupplylistfromChloe’smom.”IwasbabblingbecauseIwasnervous.WaylayandIhadyettoconnect,andIwaswillingtoattempttobuyheraffection.
“DoIgettopicktheclothes?”
“You’retheonewearingthem.Imightretainvetopowerincaseyoudecidetogoforafurcoatorvelourtracksuits.Butyeah.Yougettopick.”
“Huh.Okay,”shesaid.
Shewasn’texactlyjumpingupanddownandthrowingherarmsaroundmelikeshehadinmyimagination.Buttherewasatwinkleofasmilehappeningatthecornersofhermouthassheateherturkeyandprovolone.
Afterlunch,IsentWaylayupstairstogetreadywhileIreviewedthemallresearchI’dprintedatthelibrary.Iwasonlyhalfwaythroughthestoredescriptionswhentherewasaknockatthefrontdoor.Fearingitwasanother“drop-by”fromYolanda,Itookamomenttorunmyfingersthroughmyhair,checkmyteethforlipstick,andclosethelidontherolltopdesksoshecouldn’tjudgemyobsessionwithnotebooksandplanners.
InsteadofYolanda,Ifoundthemostannoyingmanintheworldstandingontheporchinjeans,agrayt-shirt,andaviators.Hishairlookedalittleshorterontop.Iguessedwhenyouownedabarbershop,youcouldgetahaircutwheneveryouwanted.Itwasannoyinghowattractivehewas,allbeardedandtattooedandaloof.
“Howdy,neighbor,”hesaid.
“WhoareyouandwhathaveyoudonewithblondOscar?”Iasked.
“Let’sgo,”hesaid,hookinghisthumbtowardhistruck.
“What?Where?Whyareyouhere?”
“LizaJsaidyouneededaride.I’myourride.”
Ishookmyhead.“Oh,no.I’mnotdoingthiswithyoutoday.”
“Notplayinggames,Daisy.Getyourassinthetruck.”
“Ascharmingasthatinvitationis,Viking,I’mtakingWaylayback-to-schoolshopping.Youdon’tstrikemeasa‘spendthedayshoppingwiththegirls’kindofneighbor.”
“You’renotwrong.ButmaybeI’ma‘dropthegirlsoffatthemallandpickthemupwhenthey’redone’kindofneighbor.”
“Nooffense.Butno.You’renotthateither.”
“Wecanstandherearguingaboutitforthenexthouroryoucangetyourassinthetruck.”Hesoundedalmostcheerful,andthatmademesuspicious.
“Whycan’tIjustborrowLiza’scar?”Thathadbeentheplan.Ididn’tlikewhenthingsdidn’tgoaccordingtoplan.
“Can’tnow.Sheneedsit.”Heleanedaroundmeandcalledintothehouse.“Waylay,getamoveon!Busisleaving.”
Iheardthethunderoffeetupstairsasmynieceforgottoplayitcool.
Iputahandtohischestandpushedhimbackuntilwewerebothstandingontheporch.“Listen,thistripisimportant.I’mtryingtobondwithWaylay,andshe’sneverbeenback-to-schoolshoppingbefore.Soifyou’regoingtodoanythingtoruinit,I’drathertakeaLyfttothemall.Infact,that’swhatI’mgoingtodo.”
Helookeddownrightamused.“Andhowareyougoingtodothatwithapieceofshitphonethat’stoooldtodownloadapps?”
Damnit.
Waylayvaultedintothelivingroom,landingwithbothfeetbeforerearrangingherexpressionintoalookofboredom.“Hey,”shesaidtoKnox.
“Knoxisgoingtodriveus,”Iexplainedwithzeroenthusiasm.
“Cool.Howmuchstuffareyouplanningtobuyifyouneedawholeentirepickuptruck?”Waylaywondered.
“Yourauntsaidsheplanstobuyouthalfthemall.Figureditwasbesttocomeprepared,”Knoxsaid.
Icaughtthelittlehalfsmileonherfacebeforesheledthewaydowntheporchstepsandsaid,“Let’sgetthisoverwith.”
***
Mysuspicionswerefurtherheightenedwhenwegotinthetruck,andIfoundacoffeeformeandasmoothieforWaylay.
“What’syourgame?”IaskedKnoxwhenheslidbehindthewheel.
Heignoredmetofrownoveratext.
Therewassomethingaboutthewayhehesitatedthatgavemeabadfeeling.“IsLizaokay?DidsomethinghappenatHonkyTonk?”
“Relax,Daisy.Everybodyandeverythingisfine.”
Hefiredoffaresponseandstartedthetruck.
WeheadedeastandjoinedtheslogofNorthernVirginiatraffic.IcheckedmytidystackofcashagainwhileKnoxandWaylaymadesmalltalk.Itunedthemoutandtriedtosquashtheanxiety.Yesterdayatthelibrary,I’dloggedintomyaccountstoconfirmsomebudgetnumbers.Moneywastight.Thebarshiftsandfreerentwerehelping.Butmyincomewasn’tenoughtoimpressanyjudgeinanycourt,especiallynotifIaddedacarpaymentintothemix.
Ihadthreeoptions:1.FindadayjobwhileWaylaywasinschool.2.Borrowagainstmyretirementsavings.3.SellmyhouseonLongIsland.
Inwardly,Icringed.Ithadrepresentedsomuchmoretomethanjustthreebedroomsandtwobaths.Itwasagratifyingstepthatwaspartofalargerplan.I’dlandedagoodjobatWarner’sfamily’sinvestmentfirm,fallenforhim,andboughtanicehousetostartafamily.
IfIsoldit,Iwasofficiallysayinggood-byetothedream.ThenwherewouldIgoaftermysixmonthsoftemporaryguardianshipwithWaylaywereup?
Bythetimewegottothemall,Iwasmarinatinginthemiseryofregretsandfailures.
“Thanksfortheride,”IsaidtoKnox,whowasnowonhisphonecarryingonaconversationthatseemedtoconsistofmonosyllabicquestionsandanswers.Ihoppedout,stillclutchingmycoffee.
Waylayclimbedoutofthebackseatandslammedherdoor.
Iexpectedhimtoaccelerateaway,leavingusinacloudoffumes,butinsteadhegotoutandshovedhisphoneinhisbackpocket.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Areyoushoppingwithus?”Waylayasked.Shedidn’tsoundhorrified—shesoundedexcited.
Damnyou,KnoxMorgan.
“Gotsomethingsonmyownshoppinglist.Figuredyouladiescouldshowmetheropes.”
Weenteredtheair-conditionedmall,andwithacursoryglanceinmydirection,Waylaymadeabeelineforanaccessoriesstore.
Assoonasshedisappearedintothestore,IgrabbedKnox’stattooedarm.“What.Are.You.Doing?”
“Shopping.”
“Youdon’tshop.Youdon’tgotomalls.”
Herolledbackonhisheels,lookingamused.“Thatafact?”
“You’rethekindofguywhowearshisclothesuntiltheydisintegrate,andthenyoueitherstartwearingsomethingsomefemalerelativegotyouforChristmasoryouorderthesameexactthingyouworeoutonline.Youdonotgotomalls.Youdonotshopwithgirls.”
Knoxmovedintomyspace.Thoseeyes,moregraythanbluetoday,wentserious.“Yougotaproblemwithmetaggingalong?”
“Yes!Whatareyoudoinghere,Knox?I’mtryingtobondwithWaylay.EverythingelseI’vetriedsofarhasn’tputacrackinthosewalls.She’sgotapokerfaceatageelevenbecauseoftheamountofdisappointmentshe’salreadyfaced.Iwanttoseehersmile.Arealsmile.”
“Jesus,Naomi.I’mnotheretofuckthatup.”
“Thenwhyareyouhere?”
Waylayknockedonhersideofthestorewindowandhelduptwopairsofearringstoherunpiercedlobes.Igaveherathumbs-upandmentallyadded“PierceWaylay’sears”tothelist.
“Igotmyreasons.JustlikeIgotmyreasonsfornottellingyou.”
“That’snotanacceptableanswer.”
Wewerealmosttouchingnow,andmybodywasgettingconfusedbetweenthecoldairconditioningandtheheatpumpingoffhisspectacularbody.
“Onlyansweryou’regettingfornow.”
“Thisiswhyyou’resingle,”Ipointedout.“Nowomaninherrightmindwouldputupwiththat.”
“I’msinglebecauseIwannabe,”hecountered.
Iwasmideye-rollwhenhedecidedtochangethesubject.“Soyou’retryingtobuyyourwayinwithWay?”
“Yes,Iam.Girlslikepresents.”
“Doyoulikepresents?”heasked.
Ishookmyhead.“No,Knox.Idon’t.Ifreakinglovepresents.”
Itwastrue.Idid.
Warnerhadhalf-assedhiswaythroughthepastfewyearsofChristmasandbirthdays,makingmefeelmaterialisticwhenI’dshownanydisappointmentatthethoughtlessgiftsinthewrongsizes
Knoxcrackedahalfsmile.“So,where’sthefundingcomingfromforthisspree?IknowwhatyoumakeatHonkyTonk.”
IcranedmynecktomakesureWaylaywasstillinside.Shewastryingonabraidedheadbandinpinkandpurple.Itlookedfreakingadorable,andIitchedtogoinanddraghertothecounterwithit.
“Notthatit’sanyofyourbusiness,butIsoldmyweddingdress.”
“Thingsthatbad?”heasked.
“Bad?”
“Youjustsoldaweddingdresstopayforyourniece’sback-to-schoolshit.Youdon’thaveaphone.Andyoudon’thaveacar.”
“Ihaveaphone,”Isaid,diggingoutLiza’soldBlackberryandholdingitupinhisface.
“TheletterEjustfelloffthekeyboard.”
Damnit.Ewasinalotofwords.
“Idon’tneedyourjudgment.Okay?Today,thepriorityisschoolstuffforWaylay.I’llfigureouttherest.Soyoudoyourthing,andI’llshowermyniecewithstuff.”
Thathalfsmilewasbackanditwaswreakinghavocwithmynervoussystem.“Deal.”
Iheadedtowardthestore,thenstoppedshorttoadmirethewindowdisplay.Awallofhot,hardchestcrashedintome.
“Problem?”Knoxasked.Hisbeardtickledmyear.
Iturnedaroundtofacehimandgrittedmyteeth.“You’renotgoingtoleaveusalonetoday,areyou?”
“Nope,”hesaid,walkingmebackwardsintothestorewithahandspreadacrossmystomach.
***
Ithoughtforsurewe’dlosehiminthefirsttweenstore,buthe’dstuckthroughallofthem.Includingtheshoes.He’devenvoicedafewopinionswhenWaylayaskedforthemandhe’dmadefacesathertokeepherentertainedwhileshegotherearspierced.
Shewasglowing.Herfrosty“don’tcare”demeanorhadstartedtothawonthesecondpairofshoesandhadmeltedintoapuddlewhenIinsistedshegetthesundresswithpinkandyellowflowers.AndthatwasbeforeKnoxhadwhippedouthiscreditcardwhenshegaspedaudiblyoverapairofhotpinksneakerswithbedazzledflowers.
“Whydoyoukeepfeelingyourforehead,AuntNaomi?”Waylayasked.
“I’mtryingtoseeifIhaveafeverbecauseI’mdefinitelyhallucinating.”TheonlyalternativewasI’daccidentallymanagedtofallintoanalternatetimelineinwhichKnoxMorganwasaniceguywholikedtoshop.
WeranintoWaylay’sfriendNina—withthenicebreathandblackhair—fromschool.Iwashappytobeintroducedtoherdads,IsaacandGael,whoseemedtoacceptitwhenKnoxintroducedhimselfonlyasourride.NinaaskedifWaylaycouldgotothearcadewiththem.IgladlysaidyesandwasexchangingphonenumberswithIsaacwhenKnoxpulledatwenty-dollarbilloutofhiswallet.
“Gowild,Way,”hesaid.
“Wow.Thanks!”
“Don’tbuytoomuchcandy,”Icalledafterher.“Wehaven’thaddinneryet!”
Shewavedoverhershoulder,agestureIassumedmeantshehadnointentionoflistening.IturnedonKnox.
“Whyareyoustillhere?You’veshadowedustoeverystore.Youkeepcheckingyourphonelikeyou’reateenager.Andyouhaven’tboughtyourselfanything.You’reveryconfusingandannoying.”
Hisfaceremainedstony,andhedidn’tanswer.
“Fine.IguessI’lljustfinishmyshopping.”
SinceIwaslivingoutofasuitcase,Ireallydidneednewunderwear.DuckingintoVictoria’sSecretwasn’texactlyarusetogetridofhim.ButIfiguredtherewasnowayonearthKnoxMorganwouldfollowmeinside.
IwasshufflingthroughthesalebinwhenIfeltagrumpy,loomingpresence.Hewasstandingbehindme,armscrossedoverhischest.Irolledmyeyesanddecidedtoignorehim.
WhatIcouldn’tignorewasthefactthateverytimeawomanenteredthestore,shestoppedinhertracksandstared.
Icouldn’tblamethem.Hewasunfairlygorgeous.Toobadaboutthewholeterriblepersonalitything.
I’dnarroweditdowntotwopairsofnormalol’briefsbutkeptcomingbacktosighoverasilkypairwithlacecutoutsonthesideandbackwhenasalesassociateappeared.
“CanIgetadressingroomstartedforyou?”sheasked.
Ithoughtaboutit.AtleastKnoxcouldn’tfollowmeintothedressingroom.
“She’lltakethese,”hesaid,snatchingthebriefsoutofmyhandandpushingthematthesaleswoman.
Mymouthfellopenashedugintothebinandyankedoutthreemorepairsoftheimpractical,sexyashellones.Pink,purple,andred.Thenhegrabbedapairofadorableboxer-styleundieswithredheartsalloverthem.“Andthese.”
Heshovedthemallatthewoman,whogavemeaslygrinbeforemarchingovertotheregister.
“Knox,I’mnotbuyingallthose,”Ihissedathim.
“Shutit,”hesaidandwhippedouthiscreditcard.
“IfyouthinkforonesecondthatI’mallowingyoutobuymeunderwear—”
Hecutoffmytiradebyslinginganarmovermyshoulderandcoveringmymouthwithhishand.“Here,”hesaid,slidinghiscardacrossthecounter.
Iwassquirmingagainsthimuntilheleaneddown.“Ifthisiswhatittakestogetoutofthisfuckingstorewithoutpassingoutfromagoddamnhard-on,I’mbuyingyouthefuckingunderwear.”
Bymycount,thiswasthesecondtimehe’dmentionedhismanpartshavingareactiontome.Iwasn’tabigenoughliartopretendIwasn’thappythathefoundhimselfinthesamepredicamentasme:Turnedonbythephysical,turnedoffbyeverythingelse.
Istoppedsquirmingwhenhepulledmeinfrontofhim.Withmybackflushtohisfront,Icouldfeeltheirrefutableevidenceofhisclaim.Mybodyreactedentirelywithoutmybrain’sinputandwentintofive-alarmarousal.IworriedthatIwasgoingtoneedtobecarriedoutofthestore.
“Thatwasincrediblyinappropriate,”Isaid,crossingmyarmsovermychestasweleftthestore,hisarmstillaroundme.
“Youwantedmetobuysomething.Iboughtsomething.”
“Underwear.Forme,”Iscreeched.
“Youlooktired,”hesaidsmugly.
“Tired?I’mexhausted.We’vewalkedfiftymilesinamall.Ispenteverydimeandthensome.I’mtired.I’mhungry.Mostofall,I’mconfused,Knox!You’resomeanallthetime,andthenyoushowuptodayandbuymeniceunderwear?”
“Maybeyou’llthinkofmewhenyouwearthem,”hesaid,hisgazescanningaheadofus.
“You’retheworst.”
“You’rewelcome.Wegotonemorestop,”hesaid,takingmyhand.
Iwastired.Tootiredtofight.Tootiredtopayattentiontowhatstorehedraggedmeinto.
“Mr.Morgan.”Atall,skinnykidwithadarkgoateewavedatus.“Wejustfinishedup,”hesaid.
Wewereinacellphonestore.Idugmyheelsin,butKnoxmerelypulledmeforwardtothecounter.
“Goodtiming,Ben.”
“Heresheis,”thekidsaid,slidingabrand-newphonetowardme.“It’sallsetupandinthecase.Ifyouneedanyhelpdownloadingyouroldcontactsfromthecloud,we’llbehappytohelpyou.Yournewnumberiswritteninsidethebox.”
Baffled,tired,hungry,alittlefurious,andalotconfused,Istareddownatthephone,thenupatKnox.
“Thanks,”KnoxsaidtoBen,thenhandedmethephone.
Thecasehadsparklydaisiesonit.“Yougotmeaphone?”
“Let’sgo,”hesaid.“I’mhungry.”
Ilethimpullmeoutofthestore,rememberingatthedoortogiveBenawaveanda“thankyou.”
Wewerehalfwaytothearcadewhenmybrainstartedconnectingthedots.“YouwalkedmealloverthisdamnmallwithoutcomplainingjusttowearmeoutsoI’dbetootiredtofightyouonthephone,didn’tyou?”
“Burgers,sushi,orpizza?”heasked.
“Burgers.Knox?”
Hekeptonwalking.
“Knox!”Ipokedhimintheshouldertogethisattention.
Whenhelookeddownatme,hewasn’tsmilingandhedidn’tlooksmug.“Youneededaphone.Igotyouone.Don’tmakethisintoathing.”
“Youcallmeneedy.Youyellatmeforworkingatyourbarandtellmetheonlypartofmeworthspendingtimewithismybody.Thenyoushowuponmyshoppingtripuninvitedandbuymeunderwearandareallyexpensivephone.”
“Thataboutsumsitup,minustheonlypartofyouworthspendingtimewith.”
“Areyoualwaysthis…thisinconsistent?Thisconfusing?”
Hestoppedwalkingandlookeddownatme.“No,Naomi.I’mnotalwaysthisfuckinginconsistent.AndIblameyou.Idon’twanttobeintoyou.Idon’twanttospendanentiredaywanderingaroundagoddamnmallandfightingtrafficforyou.Isureashelldon’twanttowatchyoutryonunderwear.ButIalsodon’twantyouhomealonewhenthere’ssomeguybackinKnockemoutlookingforyou.”
Uh-oh.
“Someguy?Whoisit?”
“Dunno.JusticeandWraitharetakingcareofit.They’llcallNashiniftheyneedto,”hesaidgrimly.
“Whatdoyoumean‘takingcareofit’?”Ihadvisionsofbodiesandtarpsandducttape.
“Don’tworryaboutit.”
Istartedlaughingandkeptrightongoing.Icouldn’thelpit.I’dspentthelastfouryearsinarelationshipwhereItookcareofeverything.Everydinnerreservation.Everyvacation.Everyloadoflaundry.Everygroceryrun.
HereIwasintownforlessthantwoweeks,andthegrumpyguywhomostlyhatedmehadjusttakencareofme.
MaybesomedayI’dfindaguywhobothlikedmeandwaswillingtosharetheburdenoftakingcare.OrmaybeIwouldjustendupalonelikeTinahadalwayspredicted.
“Youhavingsomekindofbreakdown?’CauseIsureashellhavebetterthingstodothanwatchthat.”
“Oh,good,”Isaid,smotheringmyhysteria.“GrumpyKnoxisback.Whatdoesthisguylooklike?”
“AccordingtoJustice,helookslikesomedudenamedHenryGolding.”
“HenryGoldingthehotactororHenryGoldingsomelocalbiker?”Itwasaveryimportantdistinction.
“Idon’tknowanyHenryGoldingbiker.Butthisguyshowedupatthecafeaskingforyou.Justicesaidheaboutlostitwhenhesawyoursister’smugshotbehindtheregister.”
Iwasnevergoingtolivethisdown.
“Youknowhim?”
Itwasmyturntobeevasive.“CanwegetWaylayandgoforthoseburgers?”SIXTEENTHEINFAMOUSSTEF
Naomi
Onthewayhome,IprogrammedNina’sdads’numbersintomyshiny,newphone.Theywerenotthefirstnumbersinthere.KnoxhadalreadyprogrammedcontactsforLiza,HonkyTonk,Sherry,Waylay’sschool,andCaféRev.
Therewasevenoneforhimself.
Ididn’tknowwhatthatsaidormeant.Andfrankly,Iwastoodamntiredtoworryaboutit.EspeciallywhenIhadabiggerproblem.
Thatbiggerproblemwassittingonthefrontstepsofthecottagewithaglassofwine.
“Stayinthetruck,”Knoxgrowled.
ButIwasalreadyhalfwayout.“It’sfine.Iknowhim.”
Waylay,crammedinthebackseatwithallourpurchases,rolleddownherwindowandstuckherheadout.“Who’sthat?”
“That’sStef,”Isaid.
Heputdownthewineandopenedhisarms.
Iranintothem.StefanLiaowastheworld’sperfectman.Hewassmart,funny,thoughtful,outrageouslygenerous,andsoprettyithurttolookdirectlyathim.Theonlysonofarealestate-developingfatherandanapp-developingmother,hewasbornwithanentrepreneurialspiritandexquisitetasteineverything.
AndsomehowI’dgottenluckyenoughtolandhimasabestfriend.
Hesweptmeupinhisarmsandtwirledmearound.
“I’mstillincrediblypissedatyou,”hesaidwithagrin.
“Thankyouforlovingmeevenwhenyou’repissed,”Isaid,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneckandbreathinginhisexpensivecologne.
Justseeinghim,hugginghim,mademefeelmoregrounded.
“YougonnaintroducemetoBlondieandtheBeast?”Stefasked.
“Notdonehuggingyet,”Iinsisted
“Hurryitup.Beastlookslikehewantstoshootme.”
“He’smoreofaVikingthanabeast.”
Steftiltedmyheadbackwithhishandsandplantedakissonmyforehead.“It’sallgonnabefine.Ipromise.”
Tearsstungmyeyes.Ibelievedhim.AndthereliefIfeltfromthatwasenoughtoreleaseNiagaraFallsoftears.
“Wheredoyouwantyourshit?”Knoxgrowled.
ThatwasenoughtodryupNiagaraFalls.Ispunaroundandfoundhimstandingonlyafootaway.“Seriously?”
“Gotthingstodo,Daze.Don’thaveallnighttostandaroundwatchingyoumakeoutwithHenryGolding.”
“HenryGolding?Nice,”Stefsaid.
“Waylay,comemeetmyfriend,”Icalled.
Highfromhershopping,arcade,andburgerexperience,Waylayforgottolookannoyed.
“WaylayWitt.KnoxMorgan.ThisisStefanLiao.Stefforshort.Wayforshort.AndLeifEriksonwhenhe’sbeingmoody.”
Stefgrinned.Knoxgrowled.WaylayadmiredStef’sshinysmartwatch.
“Thepleasureisallmine.Youlooklikeyouraunt,”StefsaidtoWaylay.
“Really?”Waylaylookednottoohorrifiedbythatstatement,andIwonderedifmyshoppingbriberyhadworkeditsmagic.Score.
Knox,ontheotherhand,lookedlikehewantedtodismemberStef.
“What’syourproblem?”Imouthedathim.
HeglaredatmeasifIwastheonetoblameforhissuddenmoodswing.
“Knox,”Stefsaid,holdingoutahand.“Ican’tthankyouenoughforlookingoutformygirlhere.”
Knoxgruntedandstaredattheofferedhandforabeatbeforeshakingit.
Thehandshakewentonlongerthannecessary.
“Whyaretheirfingersturningwhite?”Waylayaskedme.
“It’samanthing,”Iexplained.
Shelookedskeptical.“Likepoopingforforty-fiveminutes?”
“Yeah,somethinglikethat,”Isaid.
Thehandshakewasfinallyover,andbothmenwerenowlockedinastaringcontest.IfIwasn’tcareful,thepenisesandrulerswouldbenext.
“Knoxverygraciouslytookusshoppingtoday,”IexplainedtoStef.
“HeboughtmepinksneakersandheboughtAuntNaomiunderwearandaphone.”
“Thankyouforthatinformation,Way.Whydon’tyougoinsideandnottalkanymore?”Isuggested,givingherashovetowardthehouse.
“Thatdepends.CanIhavethelasticecreamsandwich?”
“It’syoursaslongasyoustuffitinyourmouthinsteadoftalking.”
“Pleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.Seeya,Knox!”
Hewasalreadyhalfwaybacktohistruck.
“Don’tleaveonmyaccount,”Stefcalledafterhim.
Knoxdidn’tsayanything,butIdidhearsomesortofgrowlcomingfromhisgeneraldirection.“Hangonasecond,”IsaidtoStef.“He’sgotthebetterpartofamallinhisbackseat,andIdon’twanthimtodriveoffwithit.”
Icaughthimjustashewasopeninghisdoor.
“Knox.Wait!”
“What?I’mbusy.Ihaveshittodo.”
“CanyougivemeoneminutetogetWaylay’sdepartmentstoreoutofyourbackseat?”
Hemutteredafewcolorfulexpletivesandyankedopenthebackdoor.IloopedasmanybagsasIcouldovermywristsbeforehisfrustrationtookover.HemarchedallthenewstufftotheporchandsetitinapilenexttoStef.
“Youdidgetnewunderwear,”Stefsaid,sneakingapeekintotheVictoria’sSecretbag.
AnotherlowgrowlemanatedfromthevicinityofKnox’schest,andthenhewasstormingbacktohistruck.
Irolledmyeyesandranafterhim.
“Knox?”
“Christ,woman,”hesaid,roundingonme.“Nowwhat?”
“Nothing.Just…Thankyouforeverythingtoday.ItmeanttheworldtoWaylay.Andme.”
WhenIturnedtoleave,hishandshotoutandcaughtmywrist.“Futurereference,Daze.Myproblemisalwaysyou.”
Idon’tknowwhyIdidwhatIdidnext,butIdidit.Iraisedontiptoeandpressedakisstohischeek.
HewasstillstandingtherewhenStefandIwalkedinsidewithadozenshoppingbagsbetweenus.
***
WithWaylayasleepinashopping-inducedcoma,IchangedintopajamasandwonderedwhyintheworldI’dleftmyclosetdoorswideopen.ThendecidedithadprobablybeenWaylay.Iwassurprisedattheeffectanadditionalhumanhadonahousehold.Toothpastetubesweresqueezedhaphazardlyinthemiddle.Snacksdisappeared.AndtheTVremotewasneverwhereIleftit
Iclosedtheclosetdoorsfirmlyandreturneddownstairs.
Thebackdoorwasopen,andthroughthescreen,IsawStefontheporch.He’dturnedmybackporchintoacitronellacandlefantasyland.
“Youcan’ttellmyparentsaboutanyofthisyet,”IsaidwithoutpreambleasIsteppedoutontotheporch.
Steflookedupfromthetrayoffancymeatsandcheeseshewasorganizingonthepicnictable.“Whywouldyouevensaythat?I’malwaysTeamNaomi,”hesaid
“Iknowyoutalktothem.”
“JustbecauseyourmomandIhaveastandingdateatthespaeverymonthdoesn’tmeanI’dratyouout,Witty.Besides,Ididn’ttellthemIwascoming.”
“Ijusthaven’tfiguredouthowtotellthemaboutWaylay.IttookmeanhouronthephoneafterIpulledarunawaybridebeforeMomagreedtostillgoonthetrip.IknowifIweretotellthemwhatwasgoingon,they’dbeofftheboatandonaplaneinasecond.”
“Thatdoessoundlikesomethingyourparentswoulddo,”heagreed,handingmeaglassofwine.Themanhadbroughtanentirecasewithhim.“Yourbeastwantstodevouryoulikeadozenhotwings.”
Ifloppeddownonthelawnchairnexttohim.“Howisthatthefirstthingyousaytome?”
“It’sthemostpressing.”
“Not‘whydidyouleaveWarneratthealtar?’Or‘whatthehellwereyouthinkingansweringyoursister’scallforhelp?’”
Heproppedhislonglegsontherailing.“YouknowIneverlikedWarner.Iwasecstaticwhenyoupulledthedisappearingact.Ionlywishyouwouldhaveletmeinonit.”
“I’msorry,”Isaidlamely.
“Stopsayingyou’resorry.”
“I’ms—our?”
“You’retheonewhohastoliveyourlife.Don’tapologizetootherpeopleforthedecisionsyoumakeforyourself.”
Myvoiceofreasonbestfriend.Nojudgments.Nosecond-guessing.Justunconditionalloveandsupport…andtheoccasionaltruthbomb.Hewasoneinabillion.
“You’reright.Asusual.ButIstillshouldhaveletyouknowIwaspullingarunawaybride.”
“Youdefinitelyshouldhave.Although,IdidgetgreatpleasureseeingWarner’smotherbreakthenewstohiminfrontoftheentirecongregation.Watchingthembothtryingnottofreakouttokeeptheirporcelainreputationintactwascomedic.Besides,Itookoneofthegroomsmenhome.”
“Whichone?”
“Paul.”
“Nice.Helookedgoodinhistux,”Imused.
“Helookedbetteroutofit.”
“Hey-oh!”
“Speakingofhotsex.Backtothebeast.”
Ichokedonmywine.“There’snosexhappeningwiththebeast.Hecalledme‘needy’and‘uppity’anda‘paininhisass.’He’srude.He’sconstantlyyellingatmeorcomplainingaboutme.TellingmeI’mnothistype.AsifIwishedIwerehistype,”Iscoffed.
“Whyareyouwhispering?”
“Becausehelivesrightthere,”Isaid,pointingmyglassinthedirectionofKnox’scabin.
“Oooh.Grumpynext-doorneighbor.That’soneofmyfavoritetropes.”
“Thefirsttimehemetme,hecalledmetrash.”
“Thatbitch.”
“Well,technicallyhethoughtIwasTinawhenhewasyellingatmeinfrontofanentirecafefullofstrangers.”
“Thatvision-impairedbitch.”
“God,Iloveyou.”Isighed.
“Backatyou,Witty.So,toclarify,you’redefinitelynotsleepingwiththehot,grumpy,tattooedneighborwhotookyoushoppingforunderwearandaphone?”
“IamfivethousandpercentdefinitelynotsleepingwithKnox.Andheonlywentshoppingwithusbecausetherewerereportsofamanintownlookingforme.”
“You’retellingmehe’sagrumpy,overprotectivehottienext-doorandyou’renotgoingtosleepwithhim?Howwasteful.”
“HowaboutinsteadoftalkingaboutKnox,I’lltellyouwhyIburnedrubberoutofthechurchparkinglotandendeduphomelessinKnockemout?”
“Don’tforgetcarless,”headded.
Irolledmyeyes.“Andcarless.”
“I’llgetthetrufflesIhidinyourbedroom,”Stefvolunteered.
“Ireallywishyouwerestraight,”Isaid.
“IfIcouldbestraightforanyone,itwouldbeyou,”hesaid,clinkinghisglasstomine.
“Wheredidtheseglassescomefrom?”Iasked,frowningatthebarware.
“Thesearemycarwineglasses.Ialwayscarryapair.”
“Ofcourseyoudo.”
***
DearNaomi,
YourfatherandIarehavingawonderfultimeeventhoughyouhaven’tbeenupdatingusonwhat’sgoingoninyourlife.Barcelonawasbeautiful,butitwouldhavebeenevenmorebeautifulifweknewourdaughterwasn’tspiralingintoadepressionorsomesortofmid-lifecrisis.
Guilt-trippingover.Youshouldhaveseenourtourguide,Paolo.Hubbahubbaasthekidssay.IattachedaphotothatItook.He’ssingleifyouwantmetobringyoubackasouvenir.
Love,
MomSEVENTEENMAN-TO-MAN
Knox
Itwastoodamnearlyforsomeonetobebangingonmyfrontdoor.Theydeservedwhattheygot.Iyankedonapairofgymshortsandstumbleddownthestairs,rubbingsleepoutofmyeyes.
“Someonebetterbedead,”Imuttered,nearlytakingaheaderoverWaylon,whoputonthespeedonthelastthreesteps.
“What?”Isaid,yankingthedooropen.
Theobnoxiouslygood-lookingStef—stupid,misleadingname—peeredatmeoverhisexpensivesunglasses.
“Goodmorningtoyou,too,”hesaid.Heworegolfshortsandoneofthosepatternedbutton-downsthatonlyleanguyswhospenthoursaweekatthegymcouldpulloff.
Mydogshovedhalfhisbodyoutontotheporchandgazedlovinglyupattheintruder.
“Who’sagoodboy?Who’sahandsomeboy?”Stefsaid,squattingdowntopethim.
Waylonbaskedintheattention.
Irubbedahandovermyface.“Whatdoyouwant?”
Mr.Smoothhelduptwocupsofcoffeeinato-gotray.“Coffeetalk.”
Isnatchedoneoutofhishandandstompedawayfromthedoorintothekitchen.Waylontrottedaftermeanticipatinghisbreakfast.
IpoppedthelidoffthecoffeeandguzzledwhileIscoopedupahelpingofkibble.
Dogfed,Ishovedmyheadunderthefaucetandturnedonthecoldwater,willingtheshocktowakeupmybrain.
Icameupforairandfoundahandtowelhoveringinfrontofmyface.
Itookitwithoutathankyouanddriedoff.
“Whyareyoubringingmecoffeeataninhumanhour?”
“TotalkaboutNaomi,ofcourse.Iassumedyouwerequickerthanthis.”
“Iamwhenmysleepisn’tinterrupted.”
Somaybeithadn’tbeenthesleepIwaspissedoffabout.MaybeitwasthedreaminvolvingNaomi’scherry-paintedlipsthathadjustbeengettingwarmedupwhenthisassholedecidedtobesocial.
“Myapologies.Ifiguredthistalkcouldn’twait,”hesaid,pullingoutastoolatthecounter.
Icrumpledupthetowelandthrewitinthesink.“Isthisthepartwhereyoutellmetobackoffyourgirl?”
Steflaughed.
“Somethingfunny?”
“You’reoneofthosestraightswithbaggagethatcomplicateseverything,”hesaid,leaningonthecounter.
“YouhaveuntilIfinishthiscoffeebeforeIthrowyouout.”
“Fine.IappreciateyoulookingoutforNaomi.YouhearastrangerisaskingquestionsaroundtownlookingforherandyougotherandWaylayout,madesuretheyweresafe.She’snotusedtosomeonetakingcareofherlikethat.”
“Didn’tdoitbecauseIwanttogetinherpants.”
“No,eventhoughyoudo.Becauseyou’renotstupid.Youdiditbecauseyouwantedtoprotecther.Soeventhoughyou’vegotthiswholeOscartheSexyGrouchthinggoing,you’realreadymilesbeyondWarnerinmyopinion.”
Ikeptmyfaceneutral,notwillingtoshowanyinterestinthisnewtopic.
“Warnerusedher.AndItriedtowarnher.Hell,Ievenwarnedhim.ButNaomididwhatshe’salwaysdone.”
“Cleanedupeveryoneelse’smesses,”Isaid.
Stefraisedaneyebrow.“Well,well,well.Lookwho’sbeenpayingattention.”
Waylonletoutaheartyburpfromthefloor.Hesatstaringathisnowemptydishasifexpectingittomagicallyrefill.
“What’syourpoint?”
“She’sspentherentirelifetryingtomakeupforhersister,whosucks,bytheway.Anditkeepsbitingherintheass.Betheperfectstudent.Gettheperfectjob.Marrytheperfectguy.Nowshe’ssigneduptotakecareofaneleven-year-oldinastrangeplaceandishopingthatifshecanjustbegoodenough,shecanstopherparents’heartsfrombreakingagain.”
Ishovedahandthroughmyhair.“Whatdoesanyofthishavetodowithme?”
Stefhelduphishandsandgrinned.“Look.Igetifyou’reinthatwhole‘I’mnotinterested’phase.ThelastthingNomineedsrightnowisahotandheavyrelationshipthat’sgoingtogetmessybecauseofyourbaggage.Butifyoukeeplookingoutforherlikeyoudidyesterday,wewon’thaveaproblem.”
“AndifIdon’t?”
“Ifyouusethataccommodatingnatureofhersagainsther,thenwe’regoingtohaveahugeproblem.Icanbeverycreativewhenitcomestofindingwaystomakeyouregretbeinganasshole.”
Itwasballsy.Ihadtogiveittohim.Showinguptoastranger’shousewithcoffeeandthenthreateninghim.ItfeltlikesomethingImightdo,minusthecoffeething.
“WhatkindofcreativeproblemisthisWarnerassholehavingrightnow?”
Steftookalongsipofcoffee.“RightnowI’mlettingthehumiliationofbeingleftatthealtarbythewomanhetoldhisfriendswas‘beneathhisclass’doitswork.Butifhecomesnearheragain,I’llruinhim.”
“Whatdidhedo?”Iasked.
Heblewoutabreathandtookasipofhisowncoffee.“Ididn’tknowspecificsuntillastnightandI’vebeensworntosecrecy.”
“Bad?”
Stef’sjawclenched.“Bad,”heagreed.
Ididn’tlikethatthisguyhadNaomi’sconfidence.Thathehadaccesstohersecrets,andIwasontheoutsideleftguessing.ButIcouldthinkofafewdozenthingsthatfellunderthecategoryofBad.Anyoneofthemwouldbeworthbreakinganasshole’sjawover.
“Hebetterhopehe’sneverdumbenoughtostepfootintownlimits,”Isaid,puttingmyemptycupdown.
“Hatetobreakittoyou,”Stefsaid,lookingupfromthefull-bodyscratchhewasgivingWaylon.“He’sdefinitelythatdumb.Besides,whereelsewouldhegowhenherealizesthatNaomi’stheonewhosolvedeveryproblemheeverhad?He’salreadyemailinghereveryday.It’sonlyamatteroftimebeforehefiguresoutwheresheis.”
“I’llbereadyforhim,”Isaidgrimly.
“Good.I’mstillstickingaroundforawhile.AtleastuntilIknowshe’sokay.ButIcan’tbenexttoheratalltimes.Ithelpstoknowthere’ssomeoneelselookingoutforher.”
“Shewouldn’ttakehimback,wouldshe?”Isurprisedmyselfwiththequestion.
StefseemedtoenjoythefactthatI’daskedthequestion.“No.Butshe’ssoftenoughthatshemighttrytohelphimcleanhimselfup.”
“Fuck.”
“There’snothingourgirllovesmorethangettingherhandsonadisasterandmakingitshine.”Hegavemealong,evenlook,andIdidn’tmuchcarefortheconnotation.
Iwasn’tadisaster.Therewasnothingwrongwithme.Ihadmyfuckinglifefiguredout.
“Fine.Sowhatdowedointhemeantime?”
“Money’stightforher.Shespentmostofherownsavingsonthewedding.”
Fuckingromantics.Neverevenconsideringthatthingscouldandwouldgohorriblywrong.
“She’spricklyabouttakingloansorhandouts.Thoughshemighthavenochoiceonceherparentscatchwindofthesituation.”
“TheyblowintotownpissedoffatEvilTwinandthentrytotakecareofdown-on-her-luckGoodTwin,”Iguessed
Hetossedmeasalute.“Thataboutsumsitup.”
Iblewoutasigh.“She’sgotnocar,nocomputer.She’spickedupsomebarshiftsfromme.”
Butitwasn’tenoughforafamilyoftwotoliveoffofforlong.Andthebestpayingshiftswerenights,whichmeantsomeonehadtowatchWaylay.
Singlemomsweretheworld’sunsungfuckingheroes.
Steftookhisphoneoutofhisbackpocket,thumbsmovingoverthescreen.“I’mgoingtoapplysomecharmingpressureandpushhertoputherhouseupforsale.She’sonlyhadittwoyears,butshehadadecentdownpayment,andpropertyvaluesaregoingupinthatneighborhood.Thereshouldbeenoughequitytheretohelphercashflowproblem.”
Isearchedmymemoryforsomethingthatwasnigglinginthebackofmyhead.“Librariansaidsomethingaboutapart-timegigifagrantcomesthrough.Icouldmakesurethatgrantlands.”
Helookedatmeoverhisscreen.“Puttingthoselotterywinningstogooduse?”
SoMr.Smoothhadlookedmeup.Itwasn’texactlyasecret.AndI’dhavedonethesameinhisplace.
“Whatexactlydoyoudo?”Iasked.
Heshrugged,stilltyping.“Alittleofthis.Alittleofthat.I’vegotaguywhocandealwiththehouse.Assoonasshegivestheokay,we’llhaveanofferwithinaweek.Twotops,”hepredicted.
Idrainedthelastofthecoffee.“Soshedidn’tlivewiththisasshole?”
“Notofficially.Hewasgoingtomoveinwithherafterthewedding.Reluctantbastardlikedhavinghisownplace.EspeciallysinceNaomicleaneditforhimandtookcareofhismealsandlaundry.IhopethatfuckerissittinginapairofdirtyunderwearsobbingintoapotofCampbell’s.”
Istaredathimabeat.“Whothefuckareyou?”
“Me?”Steflaughed,stowinghisphonebackinhispocket.“I’mthebestfriend.Naomiisfamily.”
“Andyoutwonever…”
Hesattheresmuglyandwaitedformetosayit.“Neverwhat?”
“Never…dated?”
“NotunlessyoucounttakinghertoseniorprombecauseTinagotcaughtwithhermouthonNaomi’sdate’sdickinthelockerroomatschool.”
FuckingTina.
“Naomi’sbeenmyride-or-diebeforeride-or-diewasathing.Shehasneveronceletmedownandshe’sforgivenmeforthehandfulofoccasionsthatI’veletherdown.She’sthemostamazingwomanIknow,andthat’scountinghermother,who’sprettyfuckingawesometoo.Idon’tlikeitwhenpeoplefuckwithmyfamily.”
Icouldrespectthat.
“I’lltakethatgrunttomeanwehaveanunderstanding.You’llwatchoutforher.Youwon’tfuckwithher.Andtogetherwe’llmakesureWarnerFuckingDipshittheThirdnevergetswithinacityblockofher.”
Inoddedagain.“Fine.”
“Givemeyourphone,”hesaid,holdingouthishand.
“Why?”
“Oh,youwantmetotextNaomiwhenWarnershowsuplookingforher?”
Ihandeditover.Stefheldituptomyscowlingfacetounlockit.“Huh.Wonderifitwouldunlockifyouweresmiling.”
“Idon’tknow.Nevertried.”
Hesmirked.“Ilikeyou,Knox.Yousureyou’renotinterestedinourgirl?”
“Definitelynot,”Ilied.
Stefstudiedme.“Hmm.You’reeitherdumberthanyoulookoryou’reabetterliarthanIthought.”
“Areyoudone?I’dliketogetbacktonothavingyouinmyhouse.”EIGHTEENMAKEOVERSFOREVERYONE
Naomi
“Surprise!”StefsaidashepulledintoaparkingspacedirectlyinfrontofWhiskeyClipper.
Uh-oh.
“Whatarewedoinghere?”Iasked.
“Back-to-schoolhair,”Stefsaid.
“Seriously?”Waylayasked,bitingherlip.Shecouldn’tquitepullofftheboredpre-teenvibe,andIknewitwasgoingtobeagoodidea,evenifitmeantbravingarun-inwithKnox.
“Deadly,darling,”Stefsaid,hoppingoutfrombehindthewheelofhisspiffylittlePorscheSUV.Heopenedthebackdoorforher.“Firstdayofschoolisafreshstartforeveryone.Andfromthereviews,thisistheplaceforhair.”
Iclimbedoutandjoinedthemonthesidewalk.
Stefslunganarmaroundbothofus.“Firsthair.Thenlunch.Thennails.Thenfashionshowforfirst-dayoutfits.”
Igrinned.“Outfits?”
“You’rewalkingWaytothebus.Youneedsomethingthatsays‘responsibleyethotaunt.’”
Waylaygiggled.“Mostmomsjustshowupinpajamasorinsweatyworkoutstuff.”
“Exactly.WeneedtomakeastatementthattheWittwomenarefierceandfashionable.”
Irolledmyeyes.
Stefcaughtmeandcrossedhisarmsinimpatience.“WhathaveIalwaystoldyou,Naomi?Andyoulistentothistoo,Way.”
“Whenyoulookgood,youfeelgood,”Irecited.
“Goodgirl.Nowgetyourcutelittleassesinthere.”
TheinteriorofWhiskeyClipperwascoolerthananysalonI’deversetfootin.Insteadofthemutedpastelsandspamusictypicalinmosthairestablishments,hereitwasbrickwallsand’70srock.Black-and-whitephotosofKnockemoutintheearlypartofthe20thcenturyhunginstylishgalleryframes.Oneentirewallwasdominatedbyabarofdecantersandbottlesofwhiskey.Exoticflowerarrangementsoccupiedthelow,curvedfrontdeskandthewhiskeybar.
ThewaitingarealookedmorelikeaVIPloungewithitsleathercouchesandglasssidetables.Theconcretefloorwascoveredwithafauxcowhiderug.
Itfeltcool,alittlesteam-punky.Andalotexpensive.
Iturnedtomyfriendandloweredmyvoice.“Stef,Iknowyouwerebeingnice,butmoney—”
“Shutyourstupidbeautifulface,Witty.Thisisonme.”
HeheldupahandwhenIopenedmymouthtoargue.“Ididn’tgetyouaweddingpresent.”
“Whynot?”
Helookedatmedrylyforalongbeat.
“Right.Ofcourseyoupredictedit.”
“Look,you’regettingyour‘myfiancélikesmyhairlong’shitcutintosomethingyoulove.Andthatadorablesmartassnieceofoursisgettingastylethatisgoingtobemoreinterestingtothoselittlefuckersinthesixthgrade.”
“You’reimpossibletoarguewith,youknowthat?”
“Youmightaswellsaveyourenergyandquittrying.”
“Hello,ladiesandgentleman,”Jeremiahcalledfromastationwithanornatemirrorandascarletcapedrapedoverthechair.“Who’sreadytochangetheirlivestoday?”
Waylaysidleduptome.“Isheserious?”
Steftookherbytheshoulders.“Listen,shorty.You’veneverexperiencedthemiracleofthekindofhaircutthatissogooditpartsthecloudsandmakestheangelssing.You’reinforatreattoday.”
“WhatifIdon’tlikeit?”shewhispered.
“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,ournextstopwillbeTarget,andI’llbuyyoueveryhairaccessoryinexistenceuntilwefindtheperfectwaytostyleyournewhair.”
“Yourhairisyours.Yougettodecidewhattodowithit,”Iassuredher
“Yougettodecidehowyoushowupinthisworld.Nooneelsegetstodictatetoyouwhoyouare,”Stefsaid.
IknewhewassayingitforWaylay’sbenefit,butthetruthresonateddeepdowninsidemetoo.I’dlostmyselfwhiletryingtoconvincesomeoneelsethatIwaswhathewanted.I’dforgottenwhoIwasbecauseI’dletsomeoneelsetakeoverthedefinition.
“Okay,”Waylaysaid.“ButifIhateit,I’mgoingtoblameyouguys.”
“Let’sdothis,”Isaidwithconviction.
“Theresheis,”Stefsaid,boopingmynoseandthenWaylay’s.“Now,let’sgetstarted.”HemadeabeelineforJeremiah.
“Yourfriendisweird,”Waylaywhispered.
“Iknow.”
“Ikindalikehim.”
“Yeah.Metoo.”
***
MaybeitwasthesecondglassofchampagneJeremiahpouredforme.Ormaybeitwasthefactthathavingaman’sfingersmassagingmyscalpandplayingwithmyhairwasalong-forgottendelight.Butwhateverthereason,Ifeltrelaxedforthefirsttimein…Icouldn’tcountbackwardsthatfar.
Itwasn’tthatIdidn’thavethingstoworryabout.Therewereplentyofthoselooming.Liketheguardianship.Andmoney.AndthefactthatIstillhadn’ttoldmyparentsabouttheirgranddaughter.
Butrightnow,Ihadagorgeousman’shandsrubbingdeliciouscirclesintomyscalp,aglassfullofbubbles,andaniecewhocouldn’tstopgigglingoverwhateverStasiawassayingtoherwhiletheyworkedontemporarylowlights
StefandJeremiahweredeepinconversationabouthairtexturesandproduct.IwonderedifIwasimaginingthehintofsparkbetweenthetwo.Thelingeringsmiles,thelongflirtatiousglances
IthadbeenawhilesinceStefhadbeeninanythingresemblingarelationship,andthegorgeous,talentedJeremiahwasdefinitelyhiskindofcatnip.
Iheardtheroarofamotorcycleoutonthestreet.Theenginerevvedoncebeforecuttingoffabruptly.Afewsecondslater,thefrontdooropened.
“Hey,boss,”Stasiacalledout.
Mybubbleofblisspopped.
Therespondinggrunthadmyhearttryingtoflutteritswayoutofmychestlikeananxiety-riddenbutterflytrappedinaglassjar.
“Stay,”Jeremiahsaidfirmly,pressingahandtomyshoulder.
Icouldn’tseeKnox.ButIcouldfeelhispresence
“Knox,”Stefdrawled.
“Stef.”Iopenedmyeyes,wonderingwhenthetwoofthemhadgottenonagrudgingfirst-namebasis.
“Hey,Way,”Knoxsaid,hisvoicealittlesofter.
“Hi,”shechirped.
Iheardtheapproachofhisboots,andeverymuscleinmybodywentrigid.Nowomanlookedgoodwithwethairinasalonchair.NotthatIwasgoingforalluringoranything.AlthoughIwaswearingtheunderwearhe’dboughtme.
“Naomi,”herasped.
Whatwasitaboutmynamefromthatmouththatmademynetherregionsfeelliketheywerebeingelectrocuted?Inasupersexy,funway.
“Knox,”Imanagedtochokeout.
“Yourfaceisred,”Jeremiahnoted.“Isthewatertoohot?”
Stefsnickered.
IsweartoGodIcouldhearasmugnessinthesteadyclompofbootsastheyslowlyretreatedtothebackoftheshop.
Waytobecool,me.
Stefletoutalowwhistlefromthebarberchairhewasoccupying.“Spaaaaarks,”hesangquietly.
Iraisedmyheadoutofthesink,sendingatidalwaveofwateroverthelipofthebowl.“Whatisthematterwithyou?”Ihissed.“Shut.Up.”
Heraisedhispalmsinsurrender.“Fine.Sorry.”
AsJeremiahgentlystuffedmebackintothesink,Ifumed.Ididn’twantorneedsparksandIcertainlydidn’twantorneedanyoneelsecallingattentiontothem.
Jeremiahwrappedatowelaroundmysoddenhairandledmebacktohisstation.Waylaywasinthechairbehindme,discussingcutandstyleoptionswithStasiaandStef.
“So.Howdowefeelaboutgettingridofsomedeadweight?”Jeremiahasked,holdingmygazeinthemirror.Heheftedthebulkofmydamphairinonehandandhelditabovemyshoulders.
“Wefeelreallygoodaboutthat,”Idecided.
***
Iwasmid-second-thoughtpanicasJeremiahaggressivelysnippedhiswaythroughmylonghairwhenKnoxreturnedwithacupofcoffeeandsomekindofshort,leatherapronoverhiswornjeans.Withhistattoo-adornedarms,theruthlesslytrimmedbeard,andthosescarredmotorcycleboots,helookedlikethedefinitionofaman.
Oureyeslockedinthemirror,andmybreathcaughtinmythroat.
Afteratoo-longbeat,Knoxwhistledandhookedhisthumbattheclientinthewaitingarea.Themanheftedhistallframeoutofthechairandlumberedback.
“How’sitgoing,AuntNaomi?”Waylaycalledfrombehindme.“Stilllooklikeawetmop?”
Kidswerejerks.
“She’sbeingtransformedaswespeak,”Jeremiahpromised,slidinghislongfingersthroughmysignificantlyshorterhair.Ichokedbackapurr.
“How’syourhair?”Iaskedmyniece.
“Blue.Ilikeit.”
Shesaiditwithamixofreverenceandexcitementthathadmesmiling.IgaveupworryingaboutwhetherornotIwasovercompensatingandturningWaylayintoanentitledbratanddecidedtojustgowithit.
“Howblue?LikeSmurfetteblue?”
“Who’sSmurfette?”Waylayasked.
“Who’sSmurfette?”Stasiascoffed.IheardherrummagingthroughherpocketsandthenthetelltalesoundoftheSmurfthemesongcomingfromaphone.“That’sSmurfette.”
“Wishmyhairwasaslongashers,”Waylaysaidwistfully.
“Youcutitprettyshortbeforeyoucameinhere.Butit’llgrow,”Stasiatoldherwithconfidence.
Waylaywassilentforamoment,andIcranedmyneckforaglimpseofherinthemirror.“Ididn’tcutit,”shesaid,eyesmeetingmine.
“What’sthat,sweetheart?”Stasiaasked.
“Ididn’tcutit,”Waylaysaidagain.“Mymomdid.Asapunishment.Couldn’tgroundme’causeshewasneveraround.Soshechoppedoffmyhair.”
“Thatfuckingb—ouch!”
IkickedStefthenspunmychairaround.
Waylayshruggedatthesuddenlysilentadultsaroundher.“Itwasn’tabigdeal.”
That’swhatshe’dtoldherself.Irememberedthetidybinsofhairaccessoriesinheroldbedroom.Tinahadtakensomethingfromher,somethingshe’dtakenpridein.
StefandStasialookedtome,andIsearchedfortherightwordstomakethisokay.
Butsomeonebeatmetoit.
KnoxdroppedtherazoronametaltraywithaclangandcrossedtoWaylay’schair.“Yougetthatthatwasadickmove,right?”
“Knox,language,”Ihissed.
Heignoredme.“Whatyourmomdidwasbornoutofaplaceofunhappinessandmeannessinsideher.Ithadnothingtodowithyou.Youdidn’tcauseitordeserveit.Shewasjustbeinganasshole,yeah?”
Waylay’seyesnarrowedasifshewerewaitingforthepunchline.“Yeah?”shesaidtentatively.
Henoddedbriskly.“Good.Idon’tknowwhyyourmomdoesthethingsshedoes.Idon’treallywanttoknow.Something’sbrokeinsideher,andthatmakeshertreatotherslikeshit.Gotit?”
Waylaynoddedagain.
“YourAuntNaomioverthereisn’tlikethat.She’snotbroken.She’llprobablystillfuckupnowandthen,butthat’scauseshe’shuman,notbroken.Whichiswhywhenyoumessup—andyouwillcauseyou’rehumantoo—therehastobeaconsequence.Itwon’tbecuttingyourhairornotmakingyoudinner.It’llbeboringshitlikechoresandgroundingandnoTV.Gotit?”
“Igotit,”shesaidquietly.
“Fromhereonout,ifanyonesaystheyhavearighttodecidewhattodowithyourbody,kid,youkick’emintheass,thencomefindme,”Knoxtoldher.
Well,hell.Theman’shotnesshadjustescalatedintounderwearmeltingterritory.
“Andme,”Stefagreed.
Jeremiahgaveheralevellook.“Metoo.”
Waylay’slipsquirkedandshewashavingahardtimekeepinghersmileunderwraps.I,ontheotherhand,suddenlyfeltalittledampintheeyeandunderwearareas.
“Thenwhenthey’redonekickingass,youcomefindme,”Stasiasaid.
“Andme.Butpreferablymefirstbeforeanyonegoestojail,”Iadded.
“Partypooper,”Jeremiahteased.
“Yougotit,Way?”Knoxpressed.
Thetiniestofsmilesplayedonherlips.“Yeah.Igotit,”shesaid.
“Inthatcase,let’sgetbacktogivingyouthebesthaircutintheworld,”Stasiasaidwithextracheer.
Myphonebuzzedinmylap,andIglancedatthescreen.
Stef:ToldyouyoursisterwasagiganticwasteofDNA.
Isighedandtossedhimaglare,thentyped.
Me:I’mfirstinlineforfacepunchingwhensheturnsup.
Stef:Goodgirl.Also,Iaddedabikiniwaxtoyourmani-pedi.
Me:Mean!Why?
Stef:GrowlyTattooGuydeservestogetlaidafterthatspeech.Also,Jerisfiftyshadesofgorgeous.
“Agreeonbothcounts,”Jeremiahsaidfromwherehewasreadingovermyshoulder.
SteflaughedwhileIturnedsixshadesofscarlet.
“Whatareyouagreeingto?”Knoxdemanded.
Iclutchedmyphonetomychestandspunmyselfaroundtofacethemirror.“Nothing.Nooneisagreeingtoanything,”Isaidsharply.
“Faceisburningup,Daisy,”Knoxobserved.
Iconsideredcrawlingundermycapelikeaturtleandhidingtherefortherestofmylife.ButthenJeremiahputhismagichandsinmyhairanddidsomethinglovelytomyscalp,andIbegantorelaxagainstmywill.
EveryonewentbacktootherconversationswhileIsnucksurreptitiousglancesinKnox’sdirection.
Notonlyhadthemanjustgivenalittlegirlahero,healsoappearedtobeacompetentbarber.I’dneverconsideredhaircutssexyuntilthismomentasKnox,armmusclesflexing,trimmedandshapedhisclient’sthick,darkhair.
LotsofmundanethingsweresexywhenKnoxMorganwasdoingthem.
“Readyfortherazor?”heaskedgruffly.
“Youknowit,”themanmumbledfromunderthehottowelonhisface.
IwatchedinfascinationasKnoxgottoworkwithastraightrazorandasweet-smellingshavingcreamonhisfriend’sface.
ItfeltmorerelaxingthanallthosepressurewashingvideosI’dbingedwhileplanningthewedding.Straightcleanlinesleavingbehindnothingbutsmoothshine.
“Youreallyshouldthinkaboutit,”Jeremiahwhisperedasheliberatedacurlingironfromatoolorganizer.
“Thinkaboutwhat?”
HecaughtmyeyeinthemirrorandtiltedhisheadinKnox’sdirection.
“Hardpass.”
“Self-caremaintenance,”hesaid.
“Ibegyourpardon?”
“Somewomengetmanicures.Somegetmassagesorgofortherapy.SomehitthegymortheirfavoritebottleofShiraz.Butthebestself-caremaintenance,inmyopinion,isregular,earth-shatteringorgasms.”
ThistimeIfelteventhetipsofmyearsgopink.
“Ijustranawayfromagroomandawedding.Ithinkmytankistoppedoffforawhile,”Iwhispered.
Jeremiahdeftlyworkedhiswaythroughmyhairwiththebarreloftheiron.“Suityourself.Butdon’tyoudarewastethisstyle.”
Withaflourish,hewhippedthecapefrommeandpointedatmyreflection.
“Holysh—crap.”Ileanedin,shovingmyfingersintothetouchablechin-lengthbob.MydarkbrownhairnowhadrussethighlightsandcurledinwhatIlikedtocall“sexwaves.”
Stefletoutawolfwhistle.“Damn,Nomi.”
I’dspenttwoyearsgrowingmyhairoutfortheperfectweddingupdobecauseWarnerlikedlonghair.Twoyearsplanningaweddingthatdidn’thappen.Twoyearswasted,whenIcouldhavelookedlikethis.Confident.Stylish.Sexyashell.Evenmyeyeslookedbrighter,mysmilebigger.
WarnerDennisonIIIwasofficiallydonetakingthingsfromme.
“Whatdoyouthink,AuntNaomi?”Waylayasked.Shesteppedinfrontofme.Herblondehairwascutshortwithasweepofsleekbangsoveroneeye.Asubtleblueteasedthroughfromthebottomlayers.
“Youlooklikeyou’resixteen,”Igroaned.
Waylaygaveherhairanexperimentaltoss.“Ilikeit.”
“Iloveit,”Iassuredher.
“Andwithasassynewcut,we’llbeabletocoaxsomelengthoutofyourhairifyouwanttogrowitlongagain,”Stasiatoldher.
Shetuckedastrandbehindherearandlookedatme.“Maybeshorthairisn’tsobadafterall.”
“Stasia,Jeremiah,you’remiracleworkers,”Stefsaid,pullingcashoutofhiswalletandpressingitintotheirhands.
“Thankyou,”Isaid,offeringfirstStasiaandthenJeremiahahug.Knox’seyesmetmineinthemirroroverJeremiah’sshoulder.Ireleasedhimandlookedaway.“Seriously.Thiswasamazing.”
“Wherearewegoingnow?”Waylaywantedtoknow,stillstaringatherselfinthemirrorwiththattinysmileonherlips.
“Nails,”Stefsaid.“Youraunt’shandslookliketalons.”
Ifelttheweightofcoolblue-grayeyesonmeandlookedup.Knoxwatchedmewithanunreadableexpression.Icouldn’ttellifhewassmolderingorpissedoff.“Seeyaaround,boss.”
IcarriedtheweightofhisattentionwithmeasIstruttedforthedoor.
***
DearMomandDad,
Ihopeyou’rehavingthebesttimeonyourcruise!Ican’tbelievethreeweeksisalmostup.
Thingsherearegood.Ihavesomenewsforyou.Actually,it’sreallyTina’snews.Okay.Heregoes.Tinahasadaughter.Whichmeansyouhaveagranddaughter.HernameisWaylay.She’selevenyearsoldandI’mwatchingherforTinaforawhile.
She’sreallygreat.
CallmewhenyougethomeandI’lltellyouthewholestory.MaybeWaylayandIcandriveupforaweekendsoyoucanmeether.
Love,
NaomiNINETEENHIGHSTAKES
Naomi
“Well,lookwhojuststruttedherfabulousassinhere,”FicalledfromthecornerofHonkyTonk’sbarwhereshewaskeyingthenight’sspecialsintothesystem.
Iheldoutmyarmsanddidaslowturn.
Whoknewahaircutcouldmakemefeeltenyearsyoungerandathousandtimessassier?NottomentiontheshortdenimskirtStefhadtalkedmeinto.
Themansetthegoldstandardforbeingabestfriend.Whilewaitingformetopranceoutofthedressingroominmynewskirt,Stefhadbeenonaconferencecallwithhis“people,”arrangingtohavemystuffpackedandmyhouseonLongIslandputonthemarket.
TonighthewasstayingwithWaylay,andIwasn’tsurewhowasmoreexcitedabouttheirplanstobinge-watchBrooklynNine-Nine
“Youlikethehair,Fi?”Iasked,givingmyheadashaketomakethecurlsbounce.
“Loveit.Mybrother’sadamngeniuswithhair.SpeakingofJer,isyourStefsingleandifsocanweplaymatchmaker?”
“Why?DidJeremiahsayanythingaboutStef?”Idemanded.
“HeonlycasuallymentionedthatyourfriendwasthehottestgaymantostrutintoKnockemoutinadecade.”
Isquealed.“StefaskedmeifJeremiahwasseeinganyone!”
“Oh,it’ssoon,”Fiannounced,pullingthelollipopoutofhermouth.“Bytheway,I’vegotgoodnewsforyou.”
IgrinnedasIstowedmypursebehindthebar.“DidIdrisElbacometohissensesandoffertowhiskyouawaytoaprivateisland?”
Shegrinnedwickedly.“Notquitethatgood.Butyou’vegotapartyintheprivateroomstartingatnine.Highrollers.”
Iperkedup.“Highrollers?”
Fijerkedherheadtowardthehallway.“Pokergame.Hush-hush.Halfadozenbigspenderswhofeellikethrowingawaysixfiguresoncards.”
“Sixfigures?”Iblinked.“Isthislegal?”Iwhisperedthequestiondespitethefactthatwewerealoneintheemptybar.
Thelollipopreturnedtohermouth.“Weeeell,let’sjustsayifChiefMorganwandershisfineassinheretonight,hedoesn’tgetinthatroom.”
Iwasn’tsurehowIfeltaboutit.Assomeonewhowassupposedtobelookinggoodintheeyesofthecourt,Iprobablyshouldn’tbelyingtolawenforcementaboutanything.
ButI’dcrossthatbridgewhenIhadtotonight.Feelinghappy,Iswungintothekitchentogetsetupforthebusynight.
***
TheextentofmyprofessionalpokerknowledgewasentirelybasedonthesnippetsofgamesI’dseenonTVwhilechangingchannels.IwasprettysuretheplayersonTVlookednothingliketheonescrowdedaroundtheroundtableinHonkyTonk’ssecretbackroom.
Beneathhisturquoisepoloshirt,theBritish-accentedIanhadmusclesthatlookedlikehebenchpressedcarsallday.Hehaddarkskin,short-croppedhair,andthekindofsmilethatmadeawoman’skneesgoweak.Hewaswearingaweddingringwithawholelotofdiamonds.
OnIan’srightwasTanner.Hehadreddish-blondhairthatlookedlikeawoman’sfingershadjustleftit.HeworetheD.C.commuteruniformofexpensive,fittedtrousers,rolled-upshirtsleeves,andaloosenedtie.Noweddingring,andhe’dmadecertainI’dnoticedwitheverytop-shelfscotchIbroughthim.Hefidgetedconstantlyandjumpedeverytimethedooropened.
OnTanner’srightwasamantherestreferredtoasGrim,thoughIdoubtedhisparentshadactuallynamedhimthat.Helookedlikehe’dwalkedrightoffthepagesofasilverfoxmotorcycleclubromancenovel.Tattooscrisscrossedeveryinchofvisibleskin.Hekepthissunglassesandscowlfirmlyinplaceasheloungedinhischair,stickingtoclubsodas.
NexttoGrimwasWinona,theonlywomanatthetable.Shewastall,built,Black,andworepinkmetalliceyeshadowthatcomplementedtheaccentsonherfigure-huggingdenimromper.Herhairwasbigandbold,justlikeherlaugh,whichshewassharingwiththemannexttoher.
“Lucy,Lucy,Lucy,”shesaid.“Whenareyougonnalearnnottobluffme?”
Lucianwasthekindofhandsomethatmadewomenwonderifhe’dmadesomepactwiththedevil.Darkhair.Dark,smolderyeyes.Darksuit.Hegaveoffhintsofpower,wealth,andsecretslikeacologne.
He’darrivedlaterthaneveryoneelse,sheddinghisjacketandrollinguphissleevesasifhehadallthetimeintheworld.Hetookhisbourbonneatanddidn’ttrytolookdownmyshirtwhenIservedit.
“Maybewhenyoustopdistractingmewithyourwitandbeauty,”heteased.
“Please,”Winonascoffed,elegantlystackingherwinningswithlongredfingernails.
Iwasinthemiddleoftryingtofigureouthowmuchonechipwasworthandtoppingoffthepitcheroficewaterinthecornerwhenthedoorburstopen.
TannerandIbothjumped.
Knoxstrodeintotheroom,lookingannoyinglysexyasalways.“Yousonofabitch,”hesaid.
Everyoneheldtheirbreath.Everyone,thatis,exceptforLucian,whocontinuedtodealthenexthand,unruffledbytheinterruption.“Iwaswonderinghowlongitwouldtakewordtotravel,”hesaidblandly.Hesetthedeckdownandcametohisfeet.
Forasecond,Iwassuretheyweregoingtolaunchthemselvesateachotherlikestagsfightingforsupremacyinanaturedocumentary…or,youknow,actualnature.
Instead,Knox’sscowlmeltedandwasreplacedwiththekindofgrinthatmademefeelaswarmandgooeyinsideasachocolatechipcookiefreshfromtheoven.
Notetoself:Makechocolatechipcookies.
Thetwomenshookhandsandexchangedbackslapsthatwouldhaveputmeinachiropractor’soffice.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Knoxasked,lessaggressivelythistime.
“CurrentlylosingtoWinonaandthinkingaboutorderinganotherdrink.”
“I’llgetit.Anyoneelsewantanotherround?”Isqueaked.
Knox’sgazefellonme.HisgrinvanishedsoquicklyIwonderedifhe’dsprainedafacialmuscle.Hetookaleisurely,scowlytourofmyappearancefromhairtofeet,disapprovalsnappingoffofhimlikeelectricity.
“Naomi,outside.Now,”hegrowled.
“Seriously?What’syourproblemthistime,Viking?”
“Thereaproblem?”Grimasked,hisvoicelowanddangerous.
“Noneofyourconcern.”Knox’svoicehaddroppedintosub-zerotemperatures.
“Goaheadandbringeveryonearound,Naomi,”Iansuggested,hiseyesonKnox.
Inoddedandheadedforthedoor.
Knoxwasonmyheels.
Heshutthedoorbehindusandtookmebythearm,steeringmedowntheemptyhallwayawayfromthebar,pasthissecretlairoffice.Hedidn’tstopuntilhe’dopenedthedooratthefarendofthehallwhichopenedintoWhiskeyClipper’ssupplyroom.
“Whatthehell,Knox?”
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinginthatroomdressedlikethat?”
Igesturedatmyemptytray.“Whatdoesitlooklike?I’mservingdrinks.”
“Thisain’tteatimeatsomegoddamncountryclub,sweetheart.Andthosepeoplearen’tonthePTA.”
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose.“I’mgoingtoneedapiechartoraVenndiagramoradatabasetocatalogallofthemanywaysIpissyouoff.WhyareyoumadthatI’mdoingmyjob?”
“Youshouldn’tbeservingthatparty.”
“Look,ifyou’renotgoingtoexplain,thenIdon’tthinkI’mresponsibleforlistening.Ihavedrinkstodeliver.”
“Youcan’tjustwanderintodangeroussituationslikethis.”
Ithrewupmyarms.“Oh,forPete’ssake.Ididn’twander.Ishowedupformyshift.Figavemethetablebecausesheknewthey’dtipwell.”
Hesteppedcloseenoughthathisbootsbrushedthetipsofmyshoes.“Iwantyououtofthatroom.”
“Excuseme!You’retheonewholetsthemplayhereandyou’retheonewhohiredmetoservedrinks.Ergo,you’retheonewiththeproblem.”
Heleanedinuntilwewerealmosttouching.“Naomi,thesearen’tjustweekendwarriorsonbikesoryourtypicalBeltwayroadkill.Theycanbedangerousiftheywanttobe.”
“Yeah?Well,socanI.Andifyoutrytotakemeoffthattable,you’regoingtofindoutexactlyhowdangerous.”
“Fuckme,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.
“That’snothappening,”Iscoffed
Heclosedhiseyes,andIknewthebigdummywascountingtoten.Ilethimgettosixbeforesteppingaroundhim.
Myhandhadjustclosedaroundthedoorknobwhenhecaughtme,trappingmebetweenthedoorandhisbody.Hisbreathwashotonthebackofmyneck.Icouldfeelmyheartbeatinmyhead.
“Daze,”hesaid.
Goosebumpsprickledonmyarms.Warner’sonlypetnameformehadbeen“babe.”Andforamoment,IwasparalyzedwithadesiresointenseIdidn’trecognizeitasmyown.
“What?”Iwhispered.
“They’renotyourkindofpeople.IfthatdickheadTannergetstoomuchover-pricedscotchinhim,hestartshittin’onanythingwitharackandlosinghands.Thatskirtyou’rebarelywearingisalreadyadistraction.Helosestoomuch,hestartstalkin’shitandstartin’fights.Grim?HerunshisownmotorcycleclubinD.C.Mostlypersonalprotectionnow,buthestilldabblesinlesslegalventures.Troublefollowshim.”
Knoxwascloseenoughtomethathischestbrushedlightlyagainstmyback.
“Ian’smadeandlostmoremillionsthananyoneelseatthattable.He’sgotenoughenemiesouttherethatyoudon’twannabestandingnexttohimwhenoneofthemshowsup.AndWinonacarriesagrudge.Shefeelsshe’sbeendonewrong,she’llburndownyourworldwithasmileonherface.”
“WhataboutLucian?”
Foramoment,therewasnothingbutthesoundofourbreathingtocoverthesilencebetweenus.
“Luceisawholeotherkindofdangerous,”hesaidfinally.
Carefully,Iturnedtofacehim.Notquitemanagingtocovertheflinchwhenmybreastsbrushedhischest.Hisnostrilsflared,andmyheartratepickedup.
“I’vehadnoproblemsatthattable.AndI’mwillingtobetifitwereFiorSilverorMaxonthatparty,youwouldn’tbehavingthisconversation.”
“Theyknowhowtohandletrouble.”
“AndIdon’t?”
“Baby,youshowedupintowninafuckingweddingdresswithflowersinyourhair.Youscreamintopillowswhenyougetstressedout.”
“Thatdoesn’tmeanIcan’thandlemyself!”
Heputahandonthedoorbehindmeandleanedintothelastbitofmyspace.“Youneedagoddamnkeeper.”
“I’mnotsomehelplessdamselindistress,Knox.”
“Really?Wherewouldyoubeifitwasn’tmewhofoundyouinthecafe?StayinginTina’sshitholetrailerwithWay?Nojob.Nocar.Nophone.”
Iwasgettingveryclosetowhackinghimovertheheadwithmytray.“Youcaughtmeonabadday.”
“Badday?Fuckme,Naomi.IfIdidn’tdriveyourasstothegoddamnmall,youstillwouldn’thaveacellphone.Likeitornot,youneedsomeonewatchingoutforyoubecauseyou’retoodamnstubborntodoityourself.You’retoobusytryingtotakecareofeveryoneelsetobotherwithyourself.”
Hischestwaspressingagainstmine,andIwashavingtroublefocusingonthefurythatroseinmythroat.Hot,hardmuscleagainstsoftflesh.Hisproximitymademefeeldrunk.
“You’renotkissingme,”Iinsisted.Inhindsight,thewarningwasatadpresumptuoussincehe’dneverkissedmebefore.Buttobefair,hereallylookedlikehewantedtokissme.
“I’dratherwringyourprettylittleneckrightnow,”hesaid,eyesnarrowingonmymouth.
Ilickedmylips,preparingtodefinitelynotkisshim.
Thelowrumbleinhischestvibratedthroughmybodyashedippedhisheadtowardmine.
Anewvibrationinterruptedus.
“Fuck,”hehissed,yankinghisphoneoutofhispocket.“What?”Helistened,thenletoutastringofcolorfulcurses.“Don’tlethimpastthebar.I’llbeoutinasecond.”
“What’swrong?”Iasked.
“See?Thatrightthereisyourproblem,”hesaid,pointingafingerinmyfaceasheyankedthedooropen.
“What?”
“You’resuddenlytooworriedaboutmetowatchyourownasswhileyou’reservingatableofcriminals.”
“Hasanyoneevertoldyouyou’reridiculouslydramatic?”Iaskedashehauledmeout.Hewastextingwithhisfreehand.
“Noonewhodidn’thaveadeathwish.Let’sgo,Daze.ThistimeI’llletyoumakemyproblemyours.”TWENTYAWINNINGHAND
Knox
Myproblem—besidesthelengthofNaomi’sskirt—wasleaningagainstthebarinfulluniform,makingsmalltalkwithahandfulofregulars.
IdraggedNaomiwithmeintothealcoveofthekitchendoors.“Mybrotherdoesn’tgetnearthatroom.Gotit?”
Hereyeswidened.“Whyareyoutellingme?”
“Becauseyou’regoingtodistracthimandgethimthehelloutofhere.”
Sheduginherheelsandcrossedherarms.“Idon’trecallthesectiononmyjobapplicationthatrequiredmetolietolawenforcement.”
“I’mnottellingyoutolie.I’mtellingyoutogetthosegoodgirleyesandthatcleavageoverthereandflirtwithhimuntilheforgetsallaboutbustingthatgame.”
“Thatdoesn’tsoundanybetterthanlying.Itsoundslikeprostitution,andI’mprettysureanyfamilycourtjudgewouldfrownuponthatduringacustodyhearing!”
Iblewoutabreaththroughmynostrils,thendugoutmywallet.“Fine.I’llgiveyouahundredbucks.”
“Deal.”
Iwasstillblinkingwhenshesnappedthebilloutofmyhandandheadedinmybrother’sdirection.Itwasanassholemoveonmypart,usingherneedforcashandputtingherinasketchyposition.ButIknewmybrother,andNashwouldn’tdoanythingtohurtNaomi’schancesatbecomingWaylay’sguardian.Hell,anyidiotwithonegoodeyecouldtellthewomanwasseveralclassesabovehersister.
“Fuck,”Imutteredtonoone.
“Interesting.”
IfoundFileaningagainstthewall,smuglyenjoyingoneofthelollipopsthatservedasacigarettesurrogate.
“What?”
Hereyebrowswiggled.“YouneverfreakedwhenMaxormeservedthatparty.”
“YouandMaxknowhowtohandleyourselves,”Iargued.
“LookslikeNaomiwashandlingherselfjustfineinthere.Maybetheproblemisn’ther?”
“Youwannabemynewproblem,Fiasco?”Isnarled.
Shewasnotremotelyintimidated.Whichwasexactlywhyabossshouldn’tbefriendswiththeiremployees.
“IthinkKnoxMorganisKnoxMorgan’sbiggestproblem.But,hey,whatdoIknow?”shesaidwithanannoyinglittleshrug.
“Don’tyouhaveworktodo?”
“Andmisstheshow?”Finoddedovermyshoulder.
IturnedandspiedNaomiputtingaflirtatioushandonmybrother’sarm.
Whenshelaughedandtossedherhair,mybrilliantplandidn’tseemsobrilliant.
“Goddammit.”
IleftFiandmaneuveredmywaythroughthecrowd,gettingcloseenoughtohearNashsay,“Letmeguess.Illegalpokergameinthebackroom,andyouweresenttodistractme.”
Fuckme.
Naomi’seyeswentwide,andIrealizedthewomanhadnopokerfacewhatsoever.
“Uhhh…Areyoualwaysthishandsomeandintelligent?”sheasked.
“Iam,”Nashsaidwithastupidwinkthatmademewanttopunchhiminhisstupidface.“Butitalsohelpsthatthistowndoesn’tknowhowtokeepitsmouthshut.I’mnothereforthegame.”
“Well,you’renothereformywaitstaff.Sowhatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Isaid,interjectingmyselfintotheircozylittleconversationlikeajealousidiot.
NashshotmeasmuglookasifheknewexactlyhowannoyingIfoundhim.“Heardanoldfriendwasintown.”
“Therumorsaretrue.”
WeallturnedandfoundLucianstandingjustoutsideourcircle.
Mybrothergrinnedandshovedmeoutoftheway.HewelcomedLucianwithahardhugandaslapontheback.“Goodtohaveyouback,brother.”
“It’sgoodtobeback,”Lucianagreed,returningthehug.“Especiallysincethewaitstaffgotevenmoreinteresting.”HegaveNaomiawink.
WhythefucktheentiretownsuddenlydecidedwinkingatNaomiwasagoodideawasbeyondme,andIwasgoingtoputastoptoitassoonaspossible.
“Yeah,yeah.Everything’sgreat,”Isaid.“Don’tyouhavedrinkstoserve?”
Naomirolledhereyes.“Ididn’tgetridofyourbrotheryet.”
“Youcankeepthehundredifyougoaway,”Isaid,needingtogetheroutfrombetweenmybrotherandmybestfriend.
“Deal.Lucian,I’llseeyoubackintherewithafreshdrink,”shepromised.“Nash,itwasfunflirtingwithyou.”
“Thepleasurewasallmine,darlin’,”mybrotherdrawled,tossingheralittlesalute.
Weallwatchedhersashaytothebar
Myheadhurtfromnotyelling.MyjawwassotightIworriedI’dcrackatooth.Ididn’tknowwhatitwasaboutthatwoman,butNaomiWitthadmetiedupinfuckingknots.Ididn’tlikeitonebit.
“Whatareyoudoingbackintown?”NashaskedLucian.
“Yousoundlikeacop,”Luciancomplained.
“Iamacop.”
ChiefNashrankledme.
Thethreeofushadgrownupraisinghellandbendinglawsuntiltheybroke.Nashgrowinguptobeacopfeltlikesomekindofbetrayal.Thestraightandnarrowwastooconfiningforme.Ididn’tstraytoofarfromthelinethesedays,butImadesuretostepintothegrayeverynowandagainforoldtime’ssake.
Lucianwasanotherstory.Troubledidn’tfollowhim.Hehadatendencytomakeitwhereverhewent.IfhewasbackinKnockemout,itsureashellwasn’tforastrolldownmemorylane.
“Amancan’tfeelnostalgicforhischildhood?”Lucianmused,expertlyavoidingthequestion.
“Yourchildhoodsucked,”Nashpointedout.“Youhaven’tbeenbackinyears.Somethingbroughtyouback,anditbetternotbetrouble.”
“MaybeIgottiredofhearinghowtheMorganbrothersaretoostubborntoremovetheirheadsfromtheirasses.MaybeIcamebacktohelpyouburythehatchet.”
NaomibreezedbywithatrayfullofdrinksandaneasysmileforLucianandNash.Thesmilechangedtoascowlwhenshelookedatme.
“Nooneneedsanyhelpwithanyhatchet,”Iinsisted,steppinginfrontofhimtocutoffhisviewofNaomi’scurvy,retreatingass.
“Thathatchetthatyoutwohavebeenwrestlingoverfortwoyearsisstupid.Getoveritandmovethefuckon,”Luciansaid.
“Don’tusethatBeltwayBullshittonewithus,”Nashsaid.
LucianhadbuiltapoliticalconsultingfirmthatinvolvedfartoomanyshadowsforNash’sliking.OurfriendhadagiftforputtingthefearofGodintohisclientsorthepeoplewhostoodbetweenhisclientsandwhattheywanted
“Thatshitdon’tflyinKnockemout,”Iremindedhim.
“Youtwohavenothingtoworryabout.Let’shaveadrinkforoldtime’ssake,”hesuggested.
“Can’ttonight,”Nashsaid.“Onduty.”
“ThenIguessyou’dbettergetbacktowork,”Itoldmybrother.
“GuessIbetter.Trynottoletanypissed-offpokerplayersbustuptheplacetonight.Idon’tfeellikehandlingthepaperwork.”
“Dinner.Tomorrownight.Yourplace,”Luciansaid,pointingupstairs.
“Worksforme,”Isaid.
“Fine,”Nashagreed.“Itisgoodtoseeyou,Lucy.”
Luciangavehimahalfsmile.“It’sgoodtobeseen.”Heturnedtome.“I’llcatchupwithyouwhenyou’rehoveringoverNaomi.”
Iflippedhimoff.
Whenheleft,Nashturnedtome.“Yougotasecond?”
“Depends.”
“It’saboutTina.”
Fuck.
“I’llwalkyouout.”
TheAugustnightwasstillsmotheringlyhumidwhenwewentthroughthekitchenandwalkedoutintotheparkinglot
“What’stheproblem?”IaskedwhenwegottoNash’sSUV.
“GotafewmoredetailsonTina.Sheandhernewmanweremovingstolengoods.Nothingmajor.TVsandphones.Tablets.Butrumorhasittheboyfriendisconnectedtosomebiggercriminalenterprise.”
“Who’stheboyfriend?”
Heshookhishead.“Eithernooneknowshisnameorthey’renotsayin’ittome.”
“Don’tgotmuchofanything,doyou?”
“JustagutfeelingTinadidn’tjustdecidetoabandonherkidforfun.Ithinkshe’sindeepwithsomeshit.”Helookedupattheinkynightsky.“HeardacoupleofpeoplesayingtheythinktheysawheroverinLawlerville.”
Lawlervillewaslessthanahalfhour’sdrive.WhichmeantTinaprobablywasn’tplanningonstayinggone.
“Fuck,”Imuttered.
“Yeah.”
IknewwhatNashwantedfromme.Anyothercircumstance,Iwouldhavemadehimask.ButsincethisinvolvedNaomiandWaylay,Iwasn’tinthemoodtofuckaround.
“I’llaskaround.Seeifanysourceswhoavoidcopswillfeelchattywithme,”Itoldhim.
“Appreciateit.”
***
InsteadofgoinghomelikeI’dplanned,Ipretendedtocheckafewthingsoffmylist.IplayedbarbackforSilverwhileMaxtookherdinnerbreak.ThenIansweredthetwodozenorsoemailsI’dbeenavoiding.Ievenduckedintotheshop’ssupplyroomandcutdowncardboardboxesfortherecycler.
ThefourthtimeIcaughtmyselfheadinginthedirectionofthepokergame,Idecidedtoremovemyselffromtemptationandheadedforthekegroom.Ihopedthechillandthephysicallaborofmovingfullkegsaroundwouldtaketheedgeoffmyannoyance.
Ihadawholelistofreasonstobepissedoffattheworld.AndmostofthemrevolvedaroundNaomiWitt.Everyconversationwithherendedinmehavingaheadacheandahard-on.
Watchingothermentripovertheirtongueswhenshewasaroundonlymadeitallworse.Ididn’twanther.ButIwantedtoclaimherasminejusttokeepeveryotherassholeawayfromher.
Ineededtogetdrunkandlaid.Ineededtoforgetsheexisted.
MyhandswerefuckingfrozenandmytemperhadcooledbythetimeIfinishedre-stackingthekegs.Itwasalmosteleven.IfiguredI’dcheckinatthebar,thengothehellhome.
WhenIhitthebar,Silverglancedupfromthemoonshineshewaspouring.
“Mindcheckinginontheprivateparty?”sheasked.
“Why?”
Sheshrugged.“BeenawhilesinceI’veseenNaomi.”
Mytemperreignitedlikesomeonehadthrownagascanandalighteronit.
Ididn’texactlykickthedooropen,butitwasamoredramaticentrancethanIusuallymade.Tanner,theskinnyidiotwhopartiedtoohardtoholdontohismoney,felloutofhischair.
Naomi,however,didn’tbotherlookingup.ShewassqueezedinbetweenWinonaandGrim,tonguepokingoutbetweenherlipsasshestudiedthecardsinherhand.“Okay.Tellmeagainwhatbeatsapair,”shesaid.
IanlaunchedintoaTexasHold’Em101lecturewhileGrimleanedovertolookatherhand.“Raise’em,”headvised.
Tentatively,shepickedupabluechipandlookedathim.Heshookhishead.Sheaddedtwomorechipsand,onhisnod,tossedthemintothepileatthecenterofthetable.“Raise,”sheannounced,wigglingherassinherseat.
Iroundedthetableandleanedin.“Whatthefuckareyoudoing,Naomi?”
Shefinallylookedupatme,bemused.“Learningtoplaypoker.”
“Fold,”Winonasighed.“Nevertrustarookie’sluck.”
“I’llseeyouandraiseyou,”Luciandecided,droppingafistfulofchipsontothetable.
“Leaveheralone,Morgan,”Iantoldme.“Ourdrinksarefull,andshe’sneverplayed.”
Ibaredmyteeth.
“Relax,Morgan,”Winonasaid.“Weallstakedhersomechips.It’sjustafriendlyhand.”
LucianandNaomiwereengagedinastaredown.
Ileanedinagainandwhisperedinherear,“Doyouknowwhatthosechipsareworth?”
Sheshookherhead,watchingastheactionreturnedtoIan,whofolded.“Theytoldmenottoworryaboutit.”
“That’stwentygrandinthepot,Naomi.”
I’dpushedtherightbutton.ShestoppedstaringatLucianandlookedatmeasshestartedtocomeoutofherchair.
Grimputahandonhershouldertoholdherinplace,andIfixedhimwithacoldglare.
“Fuckingrelax,Knox,”hesaid.“Winona’sright.It’safriendlyhand.Noloans.Nointerest.She’saquicklearner.”
“Twenty-thousanddollars?”Naomisqueaked.
“I’llcall,”Tannerdecided,throwinginhischips.
“Show’em,”Grimgrowled,shovingamatchingstackofchipsintothecenterofthetable.
Tannerlaydownashittytwopair.Luciantookhistimearranginghiscardsbeforerevealinganicelittlestraight.
“Uh-oh,”Winonahummedunderherbreath.
“Yourturn,sweetheart,”Grimsaid,hisfaceunreadable.
Naomidroppedhercardsface-uponthetable.
“Ibelievethisisabiggerstraightthanyours,Lucian,”shesaid.
Thetableeruptedincheers.“Youjustwon$22,000,”Winonatoldher.
“Holyshit!Holyshit!”Naomilookedupatme,andthejoyonherfacewasasuckerpunchtomywindpipe.
“Congratulations.Nowgetyourassup,”Isaid,stillcapableofbeinganass.
Luciangroaned.“Suckeredinbythoseinnocenteyes.Everydamntime.”
Ididn’twanthimlookingathereyesoranyotherpartofher.IpulledNaomi’schairoutforher.
“Wait!DoIgetavictorydance?HowdoIpayeveryoneback?”
“Youdefinitelygetavictorydance,”Tannersaid,lecherouslypattinghislap.Iansavedmethetroubleandslappedhiminthebackofthehead.
“Naomi.Now,”Isaid,hookingmythumbtowardthedoor.
“Holdyourhorses,Viking.”Shecarefullycountedoutequalsharesofthechipsandstartedreturningthemtotheiroriginalowners.
Grimshookhisheadandcoveredherhandwithhistattooedone.“Youwonfairandsquare.You’rekeepingthewinningsandyoucanhavemystake.”
“Oh,butIcouldn’t,”shebegan.
“Iinsist.AndwhenIinsist,peopledowhatItellthem.”
Naomididn’tseeascarybikersort-of-criminalmakingthatproclamation.Shesawacuddly,tattooedfairygodfather.Whenshetossedherarmsaroundhisneckandgavehimanoisykissonthecheek,Isawthemanactuallysmile.Afeatpreviouslythoughttobeimpossible.
“Forthatreaction,you’llkeepmineaswell,”Luciansaid.Naomiwhoopedandroundedthetableandkissedhimloudlyonthecheek.
IanandWinonadidthesameandlaughedthroughNaomi’sstrangleholdhugs.
“Getthatnieceofyourssomethingpretty,”Winonatoldher.
Christonacracker,exactlyhowmuchofherautobiographyhadshesharedwiththem?
“I’m,uh,justgonnahangontomine,”Tannersaid,pullingbackthechipshe’dloanedher.
Therestofthetableglaredathim.
“Cheap-ass,”Winonasaid.
“Comeon.It’sbeenaroughweek,”hewhined.
“Inthatcase,here’satipfromme,”Naomisaid,handingovera$100chip.
Thewomanwasasucker.AnditlookedlikeTannerwasofficiallyinlove.
“Ladies,gentlemen,whatdoyousaywecallitanight?Ihearthere’sabandoutfronttonight.WecouldstealoneortwoofKnox’sprivatebottlesandreminisceaboutthegoodolddays,”Iansuggested.
“OnlyifLucypromisesmeadance,”Winonasaid.
Iwaiteduntilthey’dcashedoutandexitedtheroom,leavingNaomiandmealone.
Shelookedupfromthepileofcashthey’dleftinfrontofher.Itwasonehellofatip.“CanweleavethelecturefortomorrowsoIcanjustenjoy?”
“Fine,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.“ButI’mdrivingyouhometonight.”
“Fine.Butyou’renotallowedtoyellatmeonthedrive.”
“Ican’tmakeanypromises.”TWENTY-ONEFAMILYEMERGENCY
Naomi
Myfeetwerebeggingforabreak,butthe$20,000inmyaprongavememorethanenoughenergytofacethefinalhourofmyshift.
“Naomi!”
IspottedSloaneatatableinthecornerwithmiddle-agedbikerbabesandlibraryboardmembersBlazeandAgatha.Sloanehadherhairpulledbackinaperkyponytailandwaswearingcut-offsandflip-flops.BlazeandAgathawereintheirusualuniformofdenimandveganleather.
“Hey!”Igreetedthemwithaspringinmystep.“Outonthetown?”
“We’recelebrating,”Sloaneexplained.“Thelibraryjustgotabig,fatgrantthatIdidn’tevenrememberapplyingfor!Notonlydoesthatmeanwecanstartofferingfreecommunitybreakfastsandupgradethesecond-floorcomputers,Icanalsoofficiallyofferyouthatpart-timegig.”
“Areyouserious?”Iasked,elationrisinginsideme.
“Asseriousasanunindetention,”Blazesaid,slappingthetable.
Sloanegrinned.“It’syoursifyouwantit.”
“Iwantit!”
Thelibrarianheldoutherhand.“WelcometotheKnockemoutPublicLibrary,Ms.CommunityOutreachCoordinator.Youofficiallystartnextweek.Comebythisweekend,andwe’lltalkaboutyournewduties.”
Igrabbedherhandandshookit.ThenIhuggedher.ThenIhuggedBlazeandAgatha.“CanIbuyyoubeautiful,amazingladiesaround?”Iasked,releasingadazed-lookingAgatha.
“Apubliclibrariancan’tsaynotofreedrinks.It’sinthetowncharter,”Sloanesaid.
“Neithercanusliterarysupportivelesbians,”Agathaadded.
“Mywifeisright,”Blazeagreed.
Ifloatedthroughthecrowdonthedancefloorandpluggedintheorderformynewbosses.IwasthinkingaboutthecarIcouldnowaffordandthedeskIwantedtobuyWaylayforherroomwhenLucianappeared.
“Ibelieveyouowemeadance,”hesaid,holdingouthishand.
Ilaughed.“Iguessit’stheleastIcandosinceyouletmewin.”
“Ineverletanyonewin,”heassuredme,takingmytrayandsettingitatatableofladyhorsefarmerswhodidn’tseemtomind.
“That’sverymercenaryofyou,”Iobserved.Thebandshiftedintoaslow,twangytuneaboutlostlove.
Lucianpulledmeintohisarms,andonceagain,IfoundmyselfwonderingwhyKnockemouthadsuchalargepopulationofimpossiblysexymen.IwasalsowonderingwhatLucian’smotivewasforaskingmetodance.Hestruckmeasthetypeofmanwhoneverdidanythingwithoutanulteriormotive.
“KnoxandNash,”hebegan.
Icongratulatedmyselfonbeingsoastute.“Whataboutthem?”
“They’remybestfriends.Theirfeudhasrunitscourse.Iwanttomakesureitdoesn’tgetstirredbackup.”
“Whatdoesthathavetodowithme?”
“Everything.”
Iguffawedrightintheman’sface.“YouthinkI’mgoingtoreignitesomefeudthatIhadnothingtodowithinthefirstplace?”
“You’reastunningwoman,Naomi.Morethanthat,you’reinteresting,funny,andkind.You’reworthfightingfor.”
“Well,thankyouforyourkindbutbizarreopinion.ButyoucanresteasyknowingthatKnoxandIcanbarelystandbeinginthesameroom.”
“Thatdoesn’talwaysmeanwhatyouthinkitmeans,”hesaid.
“He’srude,mercurial,andblamesmeforeverything.”
“Perhapsbecauseyoumakehimfeelthingshedoesn’twanttofeel,”Lucianpointedout.
“Likewhat?Murderous?”
“WhataboutNash?”heasked.
“Nashistheoppositeofhisbrother.ButIjustgotoutofalong-termrelationship.I’minanewtowntryingtodowhat’sbestformyniece,whohasn’thadtheeasiestlife.There’snotimeleftontheclocktoexplorethingswithanyman,”Isaidfirmly.
“Good.BecauseIknowyou’dhatetounintentionallyaddfueltothefire.”
“Whatstartedtheirstupidfireinthefirstplace?”Iasked.
“Stubbornness.Idiocy.Ego,”hesaidvaguely.
IknewbetterthantoexpectastraightanswerfromamanwhowaslikeabrothertotheMorgans.
“Hey,Naomi!Canweaddanorderof—”Sloanecutoffmid-sentence.
Thepetiteblondewasstaringopen-mouthedupatLucianlikeshe’djustbeensucker-punched.IfeltLucian’sentirebodygorigid.
MyheartsankwiththerealizationthatI’dsomehowbetrayedmynewfriend
“Hey,”Isaidweakly.“Doyouknow—”Myawkwardintroductionwasunnecessary.
“Sloane,”Luciansaid.
WhileIshiveredattheiceinhistone,Sloanehadtheoppositereaction.Herexpressionwentmutinous,andanemeraldfiresnappedinhereyes.
“IsthereanassholeconventionintownIwasn’tawareof?”
“Stillcharmingasalways,”Luciansnappedback.
“Fuckoff,Rollins.”Withthatpartingshot,Sloanespunaroundandmarchedtowardthedoor.
Lucianstillhadn’tmovedamuscle,buthisgazewasgluedtoherretreatingback.Hishands,stillonmyhips,grippedmehard.
“Youaboutreadytounhandmywaitstaff,Luce?”Knoxgrowledbehindme.
Startled,Iyelped.Thereweretoomanypissed-offpeopleinmyvicinity.Lucianreleasedme,gazeremainingonthedoor.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskedhim.
“He’sfine,”Knoxsaid.
“I’mfine.”
Itwasclearlyalie.Themanlookedasthoughhewantedtocommitacold-bloodedmurder.Iwasn’tsurewhoIshouldattempttofixfirst.
“Dinner.Tomorrow,”hesaidtoKnox.
“Yeah.Dinner.”
Withthat,heheadedforthedoor.
“Isheokay?”IaskedKnox.
“HowthehellshouldIknow?”heaskedirritably.
ThedooropenedjustasLuciangottoit,andWylieOgden,creepyex-policechief,steppedinside.Themanflinched,thencoveredit—poorly—withasmirkwhenhesawLucianinfrontofhim.TheystaredateachotherforalongmomentbeforeWyliesteppedsideways,givinghimawideberth.
“Whatinthehellwasthat?”Iasked.
“Nothing,”Knoxlied.
Silverwhistledfromthebarandwavedhimover.Knoxheadedinherdirection,swearingunderhisbreath.
TheguywaswoundtighterthanamummywrappedinSpanx.
“DidSloanejustleave?”Blazedemanded,arrivingatmysidewithAgathaonherheels.
“Yeah.IwasdancingwithLucianRollins.Shetookonelookathimandleft.DidIdosomethingwrong?”
Blazeblewoutabreath.“That’snotgood.”
Agathashookherhead.“Definitelynotgood.Theyhateeachother.”
“WhocouldpossiblyhateSloane?Isn’tshethenicestpersoninNorthernVirginia?”
Agathashrugged.“There’ssomekindofstickyhistorybetweenthosetwo.Theygrewupnextdoortoeachother.Didn’truninthesamecrowdsoranything.Nooneknowswhathappened,buttheycan’tstandthesightofeachother.”
I’dbeencaughtdancingwithmynewfriend/boss’smortalenemy.Damnit.
Ineededtomakethisright.Atleastignorancewasaplausibledefense.Iwasalreadyreachingformyphonewhenitstartedringing.
ItwasStef.
“Shoot.Ihavetotakethis,”Itoldthebikers.“Hey,iseverythingokay?”
“Witty,I’vegotbadnews.”
Myheartstoppedandthenstutteredtoastartagain.Iknewthattoneofvoice.Thiswasn’t“we’reoutofchampagneandicecream”—thiswas“familyemergency.”
“What’swrong?IsWaylayokay?”Ipluggedmyotherearwithmyfingertohearovertheband.
“Way’sfine,”hesaid.“ButNashwasshottonight.Theydon’tknowifhe’sgoingtopullthrough.He’sinsurgery.”
“OhmyGod,”Iwhispered.
“SomesergeantnamedGravenotifiedLiza.Hedrovehertothehospital.He’ssendingsomeonetonotifyKnox.”
Knox.Ifoundhimthroughthecrowdbehindthebar,halfsmilingatsomethingacustomersaid.Helookedupandlockedeyeswithme.
MyfacemusthavetelegraphedsomethingbecauseKnoxvaultedoverthebarandstartedpushinghiswaytowardmethroughthecrowd.
“I’msorry,babe,”Stefsaid.“I’vegotWayhereatLiza’swithallthedogs.We’refine.Youdowhateveryouneedtodo.”
Knoxreachedmeandgrabbedmyarms.“What’swrong?Areyouokay?”
“Ihavetogo,”Isaidintothephoneanddisconnected.
Thefrontdooropened,andIsawtwoofficersinuniformlookinggrim.Mybreathhitched.“Knox,”Iwhispered.
“Righthere,baby.Whathappened?”
Hiseyeswerebluerinthislight,searinglyblueandseriousasheheldontome.
Ishookmyhead.“It’snotme.It’syou.”
“What’sme?”
Withashakingfinger,Ipointedattheofficersmakingtheirwaytous.
“Knox,weneedtotalk,”thetalleronesaid.
***
Ibackedupthetruckforthethirdtimeandpulledforwardbeforefinallybeingsatisfiedwithmyparkjob.Thehospitalroseinfrontofmelikeaglowingbeacon.Anambulanceunloadedapatientonagurneyattheemergencydepartmententrance.Itslightpaintedtheparkinglotinredandwhite.
Ipuffedoutabreath,hopingitwouldsettletheanxietythatwasburblinginmystomachlikeabadchowder.
Icouldhavegonehome.
Ishouldhave.ButwhenI’dfinishedmyshift,Idrovetowardsthemanwhohadtossedmehiskeysandtoldmetodrivemyselfhome.He’dmademepromisebeforehe’dfollowedthedeputiesoutthedoorintothenight.
YethereIwasattwoa.m.,disobeyingdirectordersandstickingmynosewhereitdidn’tbelong.
Ishoulddefinitelygohome.Yep.Forsure,Idecided,gettingoutofthetruckandwalkingrightoninthroughthefrontdoor.
Giventhehour,therewasnoonesittingattheinformationdesk.IfollowedthesignstotheelevatorsandtheSurgicalIntensiveCareUnitonthethirdfloor.
Itwaseerilyquietonthefloor.Allsignsoflifewerelimitedtothenurses’station.
IstartedtowarditwhenIspottedKnoxthroughtheglassinthewaitingroom,thewideshouldersandimpatientstanceimmediatelyrecognizable.Hepacedthedimlylitroomlikeacaptivetiger.
Hemusthavesensedmeinthedoorwaybecauseheturnedswiftlyasiftofaceanenemy.
Hisjawclenched,anditwasonlythenthatIsawtheturmoil.Anger.Frustration.Fear.
“Ibroughtyoucoffee,”Isaid,lamelyholdingupthetravelmugI’dpreparedforhiminHonkyTonk’skitchen.
“ThoughtItoldyoutogohome,”hegrowled.
“AndIdidn’tlisten.Let’sjustmovepastthepartwhereeitheroneofuspretendstobesurprised.”
“Idon’twantyouhere.”
Iflinched.Notathiswordsbutatthepainbehindthem.
Iputthecoffeedownonanendtablestackedwithmagazinesthatpretendedtheycoulddistractvisitorsfromtheendlessloopoffear.“Knox,”Ibegan,takingasteptowardhim.
“Stop,”hesaid.
Ididn’tlistenandslowlyclosedthedistancebetweenus.“I’msosorry,”Iwhispered.
“Justgetthefuckoutofhere,Naomi.Justgo.Youcan’tbehere,”hisvoicewasragged,frustrated.
“I’llgo,”Ipromised.“Ijustwantedtomakesureyouwereokay.”
“I’mfine.”Thewordscameoutbitterly.
Iraisedmyhandtolayonhisarm.
Heflinchedawayfromme.“Don’t,”hesaidharshly.
Isaidnothingbutstoodmyground.IfeltlikeIcouldbreatheinhisangerlikeitwasoxygen.
“Don’t,”hesaidagain.
“Iwon’t.”
“Ifyoutouchmerightnow…”Heshookhishead.“I’mnotincontrol,Naomi.”
“Justtellmewhatyouneed.”
Hislaughwasdryandbitter.“WhatIneedistofindthemotherfuckingbastardwhodidthistomybrother.WhatIneedistorewindtheclocksoIdidn’twastethelasthowevermanyyearsoversomestupidfuckingfight.WhatIneedisformybrothertowakethefuckup.”
Hisbreathhitched,andIhadnocontrolovermyownbody.BecauseonesecondIwasstandinginfrontofhimandthenextIwaswrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist,holdingonandtryingtoabsorbhispain.
Hisbodywastightandvibratingasifhewassecondsawayfromcomingapart.
“Stop,”hesaidonabrokenwhisper.“Please.”
ButIdidn’t.Iheldontighter,pressingmyfacetohischest.
Hesworeunderhisbreath,andthenhisarmswerearoundme,crushingmetohim.Heburiedhisfaceinmyhairandclungtome.
Hewassowarm,sosolid,soalive.Iheldontohimfordearlifeandwilledhimtoreleasesomeofwhathe’dkeptbottledup.
“Whydon’tyoueverfuckinglisten?”hegrumbled,lipsmovingagainstmyhair.
“Becausesometimespeopledon’tknowhowtoaskforwhattheyreallyneed.Youneededahug.”
“No.Ididn’t,”herasped.Hewasquietforalongmoment,andIlistenedtohisheartbeat.“Ineededyou.”
Myownbreathtrippedinmythroat.Itriedtopullbacktolookupathim,butheheldmewhereIwas.
“Justshutup,Daisy,”headvised.
“Okay.”
Hishandstrokeddownmybackandthenupagain.OverandoveruntilImeltedintohim.Iwasn’tsurewhichoneofuswasgivingthecomfortandwhichwasreceivingitnow.
“He’soutofsurgery,”Knoxsaidfinally,pullingbackincrementally.Histhumbtracedmylowerlip.“Theywon’tletmeseehimtillhewakesup.”
“Willhewanttoseeyou?”Iasked
“Idon’tgiveafuckwhathewants.He’sseeingme.”
“Whatwasthefightabout?”
Hesighed.Whenhereachedupandtuckedastrandofhairbehindmyear,Iswoonedinternally.“Idon’treallyfeelliketalkin’aboutit,Daze.”
“Youhavesomethingbettertodo?”
“Yeah.Yellingatyoutogothehellhomeandgetsomesleep.Waylay’sfirstdayofschoolistomorrow.Shedoesn’tneedazombieauntpouringdishsoaponhercereal.”
“Firstofall,we’rehavingeggs,fruit,andyogurtforbreakfast,”Ibegan,thenrealizedhewastryingtodistractme.“Wasitaboutawoman?”
Helookedattheceiling.
“Ifyoustartcountingtoten,Iwillkickyouintheshin,”Iwarned.
Hesighed.“No.Itwasn’taboutawoman.”
“Besideslove,what’sworthlosingabrotherover?”
“Fuckingromantics,”hesaid.
“Maybeifyougetitout,insteadofbottlingitup,you’llfeelbetter.”
Hestudiedmeforanotheroneofthoselong,pensivebeats,andIwassurehewasabouttotellmetogetmyasshome.
“Fine.”
Iblinkedinsurprise.“Um.Okay.Wow.Sothisishappening.Maybeweshouldsit?”Isuggested,eyinguptheemptyvinylchairs.
“Whydoestalkinghavetobeawholedamnthingwithwomen?”hegrumbledasIledustoapairofchairs.
“Becauseanythingworthdoingisworthdoingright.”Isatandpattedthechairnexttome.
Hesat,stretchinghislonglegsinfrontofhimandstaringblanklyatthewindow.“Iwonthelottery,”hesaid
“Iknowthat.Lizatoldme.”
“Tookhomeelevenmillion,andIthoughtitwastheanswertoeverything.Iboughtthebar.Abuildingortwo.InvestedinJeremiah’splanforsomefancy-asssalon.PaidoffLizaJ’smortgage.She’dbeenstrugglingsincePopdied.”Helookeddownathishandsashispalmsrubbedagainstthethighsofhisjeans.“Itfeltsofuckinggoodtobeabletosolveproblems.”
Iwaited.
“Growingup,wedidn’thavemuch.AndafterwelostMom,wedidn’thaveanything.LizaJandPoptookusinandgaveusahome,afamily.Butmoneywastight,andinthistown,you’vegotsomekidsdrivingfuckingBMWstoschoolontheirsixteenthbirthdaysorspendingtheirweekendscompetingonfortythousanddollarhorses.
“ThentherewasmeandNashandLucy.Noneofusgrewupwithanything,somaybewetookafewthingsthatweren’tours.Maybeweweren’talwaysonthestraightandnarrow,butwelearnedtobeself-sufficient.Learnedthatsometimesyougottatakewhatyouwantinsteadofwaitingforsomeonetogiveittoyou.”
Ihandedhimhiscoffee,andhetookasip.
“ThenNashgetsabuguphisassanddecidestobecomeDudleyFuckingDo-Right.”
WhichmusthavefeltlikearejectiontoKnox,Irealized.
“Igavehimmoney,”Knoxsaid.“Ortriedtoatleast.Thestubbornsonofabitchsaidhedidn’twantit.Whosaysnotothat?”
“Apparentlyyourbrother.”
“Yeah.Apparently.”Restless,heshovedhisfingersthroughhishairagain.“Wewentbackandforthaboutitforalmosttwoyears.Metryingtoshoveitdownhisthroat,himrejectingit.Wethrewafewpunchesoverit.FinallyLizaJmadehimtakeit.Andyouknowwhatmystupidlittlebrotherdidwithit?”
IsetmyteethinmylowerlipbecauseIknew.
“ThatsonofabitchdonatedittotheKnockemoutPDtobuildanewgoddamnpolicestation.TheKnoxMorganFuckingMunicipalBuilding.”
Iwaitedforafewbeats,hopingtherewasmoretothestory.Butwhenhedidn’tcontinue,Islumpedinmyseat.
“Areyousayingyouandyourbrotherhavebarelyspokeninyearsbecauseheputyournameonabuilding?”
“I’msayingherefusedmoneythatcouldhavesethimupfortherestofhislifeandgaveittothecopsinstead.Thecopswhohadhard-onsforthreeteenagersjustraisingalittlehell.Fuck.Lucianspentaweekinjailonsomebullshitchargeswhenwewereseventeen.Wehadtolearntotakecareofthingsourselvesinsteadofrunningtoacrookedchiefandhisdumbfuckcronies.AndNashjustupandhandsovertwofuckingmillionbuckstothem.”
Thepicturewascomingintofocus.Iclearedmythroat.“Uh,arethesamecopsstillwiththedepartment?”
Knoxhitchedhisshouldersinashrug.“No.”
“DoesNashallowtheofficersunderhimtotakeadvantageoftheirposition?”Ipressed.
Hepokedhistongueintotheinsideofhischeek.“No.”
“IsitfairtosaythatNashcleanedupthedepartmentandreplacedbadcopswithgoodcops?”
“Don’tknowhowgoodGraveis,consideringhestilllikestodragraceontheweekends,”Knoxsaidstubbornly.
Iputmyhandonhisarmandsqueezed.“Knox.”
“What?”heaskedthecarpet.
“Lookatme.”
Whenhedid,Isawthefrustrationetchedonhisgorgeousface.Icuppedhischeeksinmyhands.Hisbeardwascoarseagainstmypalms.
“I’mgoingtotellyousomethingthatyouandyourbrotherbothneedtoknow,andIneedthistoresonateinyoursoul,”Isaid.
Hiseyeslockedonmine.Well,moreonmymouththanmyeyes.Butitwasgoodenough.
“You’rebothidiots.”
Hisgazetoreawayfrommylips,andhiseyesnarrowed.Isquishedhischeekstogetherbeforehecouldsnarlatme
“Andifeitherofyouwastesonemoredamndayonthefactthatyoutwohavebothworkedsohardandgivensomuchtothistowninyourownways,thentheidiocyisterminal,andthere’snocure.”
Ireleasedhisfaceandleanedback.
“Ifthisisyourwayofcheeringmeupaboutmybrothergettingshot,yousuckatit.”
Mysmilespreadslowly.“Takeitfromme,Viking.Youandyourbrotherhaveachancetofixthingsandhaveanactualrelationship.Someofusaren’tthatlucky.Someburntbridgescan’tberebuilt.Don’tburnoneoversomethingasstupidasmoney.”
“Thatonlyworksifhewakesthefuckup,”heremindedme.
Iblewoutabreath.“Yeah.Iknow.”
Wesatinsilence.Hiskneeandarmwerewarmandfirmagainstmine.
“Mr.Morgan?”Anurseinbluescrubssteppedintotheroom.KnoxandIbothcametoourfeet.Iwonderedifherealizedhe’dtakenmyhand.
“Yourbrotherisawake,andhe’saskingforyou,”shesaid.
Iblewoutasighofrelief.
“Howishe?”Knoxasked.
“Groggyandhe’slookingatalongrecovery,butthesurgicalteamishappy.”
Thetensioninhisbackandshouldersloosened.
Igavehishandasqueeze.“Onthatnote,IthinkI’llheadhometogetWaylay’scerealanddishdetergentready.”
Hetightenedhisgriponmyhand.“Canwehaveaminute?”heaskedthenurse.
“Sure.I’llberightoutside.I’lltakeyoutohimassoonasyou’reready.”
Hewaiteduntilshesteppedoutsidebeforedrawingmeinclose.
“Thankyou,Naomi,”hewhisperedjustbeforehislipsmetmine.Hot,hard,unyielding.Hishandsliduptocupmyjawandneck,holdingmeinplaceashekissedeverythoughtoutofmyhead,leavingmenothingbutariotofsensation.
Hepulledback,eyesfierce.Thenhepressedakisstomyforeheadandlefttheroom.TWENTY-TWOONEHATCHETTWOBULLETS
Knox
“Youlooklikeshit,”Nashrasped.
Thelightswereonlowintheroom.Mybrotherwasproppedupinhishospitalbed,chestbaretorevealbandagesandgauzeoverhisleftshoulder.
Machinesbeeped,screensglowed.
Helookedpale.Vulnerable.
Myhandsclenchedintofistsatmysides.
“Icouldsaythesameaboutyou,”Isaid,roundingthebedslowlytosinkintothechairbythedarkwindow.
“Looksworsethanitis.”Hisvoicewasbarelyawhisper.
Irestedmyelbowsonmykneesandtriedtolookrelaxed.Butinside,aragesimmeredinmygut.SomeonehadtriedtoendNash’slife.Youdidn’tmesswithaMorganandwalkawayfromit.
“Someassholetriedtokillyoutonight.”
“Youmadsomeonealmostbeatyoutoit?”
“Theyknowwhodidit?”Iasked.
Thecornerofhismouthliftedasifitweretoomuchefforttosmile.“Why?Yougonnagethimback?”
“Youalmostdied,Nash.Gravesaidyoucamethisclosetobleedingoutbeforetheambulancegotthere.”Thetruthofithadbilerisinginmythroat.
“It’sgonnatakemorethanacoupleofbulletsandawrestlingmatchtoendme,”heassuredme.
Iranmypalmsovermyknees.Backandforth,tryingtotampdowntheanger.Theneedtobreaksomething.
“Naomiwashere.”EvenasIsaidit,Ididn’tknowwhy.Maybejustsayinghernameoutloudmadeeverythingfeelalittlemorebearable.
“Ofcourseshewas.ShethinksI’mhot.”
“Idon’tcarehowmanybulletholesyou’vegotinyou.I’mmovingonthat,”Itoldhim.
Nash’ssighwasclosertoawheeze.“Aboutdamntime.Quickeryouscrewitup,thequickerIcanswoopinandbethegoodguy.”
“Fuckoff,dick.”
“Hey,who’stheoneinthehospitalbed,asshole?I’madamnhero.Womencan’tresistaherowithbulletholes.”
Theheroinquestionwincedwhenheshiftedinthebed,hishandreachingforthetraythenfallingbacktothemattress.
Iroseandpouredthewaterbottleintothewaitingcup.“Yeah,well,maybeyoushouldstayinhereoutofmywayforacoupleofdays.Givemeashotatfuckingitallup.”
Ipushedthecupandstrawtotheedgeofthetrayandwatchedhimreachforitwithhisgoodarm.Beadsofsweatappearedonhisforehead,andhishandshookashisfingersclosedaroundtheplastic.
I’dneverseenhimlikethis.I’dseenhimeveryotherway.Hungover,wrungoutfromtheflubugof1996,exhaustedafterpouringhisheartoutinthehomecomingfootballgamehissenioryear.ButI’dneverseenhimlookweak.
Anothernursepulledbackthecurtainwithanapologeticsmile.“Justcheckingthefluids,”hesaid.
Nashgavehimathumbs-up,andwelapsedintosilencewhilethenursebusiedhimselfwithIVs.MybrotherwashookedtoahalfdozenmachinesintheICU.AndI’dgoneyearswithbarelyspeakingtohim.
“How’syourpain?”thenurseasked.
“Fine.Practicallynon-existent.”
Hisanswerwastooquick.Hismouthtootight.Mybrotherhadplayedthesecondhalfofthathomecominggamewithabrokenwrist.Becausehemightbethenicebrother,thegoodbrother.Buthedidn’tlikeshowingweaknessanymorethanIdid.
“He’sinit,”Itattledtothenurse.
“Don’tlistentohim,”Nashinsisted.Buthecouldn’thidethegrimacewhenheshiftedonthemattress.
“Abulletjustrippeditswaythroughyourtorso,chief.Youdon’thavetobeinpaintoheal,”hesaid.
“Yeah.Youdo,”hecountered.“Painiswhattellsyouyou’realive.Younumbthat,andhowdoyouknowyou’restillhere?”
“Shethinkswe’rebothidiots,”Isaidwhenthenurseleft.
Nashgaveawheezefollowedbyawrackingcoughthatlookedlikeitwasgoingtotearhimapartbeforecollapsingbackonthebed.Iwatchedthegreenspikesonhisheartratemonitorslowlysettle.“Who?”hesaid,finally.
“Naomi.”
“WhywouldNaomithinkI’manidiot?”heaskedwearily.
“Toldherwhythingsarethewaytheyare.”
“Shewasn’timpressedwithyourRobinHoodroutineormymanlyindependence?”
“Notevenalittle.Shemayhavemadeafewpoints.”
“Aboutwhat?”
“Abouthowshethoughtitwasoverawoman.Notmoney.”
Nash’sheadwasslowlylollingtotheside,hiseyelidsgettingheavier.“Soloveisworthafamilyfeudbutafewmillionisn’t?”
“Thatwasthegistofit.”
“Can’tsayshe’swrong.”
“Thenwhythefuckdidn’tyoujustsuckitupandmakeitright?”Isnapped.
Nash’ssmilewasaghost.Hiseyeswereclosed.“You’rethebigbrother.Andyouweretheonetryingtomakemebeholdentoyoubyshovingcashdownmythroat.”
“TheonlyreasonI’mnotkickingyourassrightnowisyou’reattachedtotoomanymachines.”
Hegavemeaweakmiddlefinger.
“Jesus,”Igrumbled.“Ididn’twantyoutobebeholdenorwhateverthefucktome.We’refamily.We’rebrothers.Oneofuswins,webothwin.”Italsomeantifoneofuslost,webothdid.Andthatwaswhatthelastfewyearshadbeen.Aloss.
Fuck.Ihatedlosing.
“Didn’twantthemoney,”hesaid,hiswordsslurring.“Wantedtobuildthingsonmyown.”
“Youcould’veputitawayforretirementorsomeshit,”Icomplained.Thesameoldcocktailoffeelingswastryingtoriseinme.Rejection.Failure.Righteousfury.“Youdeservedsomegood.Aftertheshitwewentthrough,thenLizaJlosingPop.Youdeservedmorethanacopsalaryfromsomeshittytown.”
“Ourshittytown,”hecorrected.“Madeitours.Youinyourway.Meinmine.”
Maybehewasright.Butthatdidn’tmatter.Whatdidmatterwasthefactthatifhewouldhavetakenthecash,hewouldn’tbehereinthishospitalroom.Mylittlebrotherwouldbemakingadifferencesomeotherway.Withouttoeingtheline.Withoutpayingtheprice.
“Shouldhavekeptthemoney.Ifyouhad,youwouldn’tbelyingherelikeroadkill.”
Nashshookhisheadslowlyagainstthepillow.“Iwasalwaysgonnabethegoodguy.”
“Shutupandgotosleep,”Itoldhim.
“Wewentthroughsomeshit.ButIalwayshadmybigbrother.AlwaysknewIcouldcountonyou.Didn’tneedyourmoneyontopofthat.”
Nash’sshoulderssagged.Sleeptookhimunderitsspell,leavingmetositinsilentvigil.
***
Theautomaticdoorsopened,spillingmeandacloudofairconditioningintothehumidityofthebreakingdawn.I’dstayedbyNash’sbedside,lettingmyragesimmer.Knowingwhatcamenext.
Iwantedtopunchaholethroughthebuilding’sfacade.Iwantedtobringatidalwaveofretributiondownonthepersonresponsible.
Idly,Ipickeduponeofthesmoothrocksfromaflowerbedandranmyfingersoverit,wantingtosenditflying.Tobreaksomethingontheoutsideinsteadoffeelingallthecracksontheinside.
“Iwouldn’tdothatifIwereyou.”
Iclosedmyfingersaroundtherockandsqueezed.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Lucy?”
Lucianleanedagainstthelimestonecolumnjustbeyondthehospitalentrance,theendofacigaretteglowingbrighterashesuckedinadrag.
Heonlyallowedhimselfonecigaretteaday.Iguessthiscounted.
“WhatdoyouthinkI’mdoing?”
“Holdingupthebuilding?Hittingonsexysurgeons?”
Heflickedashtotheground,eyeslockedonme.“Howishe?”
Ithoughtofthepain,theexhaustion.ThesideofmybrotherI’dneverseenbefore.“Okay.Oratleasthe’sgonnabe.”
“Whodidit?”Thecool,dispassionatetonedidn’tfoolme.
Weweredowntobusinessnow.Lucianmaynothavebeenblood,buthewasaMorganineverywaythatcounted.AndhewantedjusticeasbadlyasIdid.
“Copsdon’tknow.Gravesaidthecarwasstolen.Nashhasn’tgiventhemadescriptionofthesuspectyet.”
“Doesherememberwhathappened?”
Ishruggedandsquintedupattheskythatwasturningpinkandpurpleasthesunworkeditswayoffthehorizon.“Idon’tknow,man.HewasprettyfuckeduponanesthesiaandwhatevertheyputinhisIV.”
“I’llstartdigging,”Lucianassuredme.
“Letmeknowwhatyoufind.I’mnotgettingcutoutofthis.”
“Ofcoursenot.”Hestudiedmeforabeat.“Youlooklikeshit.Youshouldgetsomesleep.”
“Peoplekeeptellingmethat.”
Lucian,ontheotherhand,lookedlikehe’djustwalkedoutoftheboardroominaslicksuitsanstie.
“Maybeyoushouldlisten,”hesaid
“Healmostdied,Luce.AfterIwasanassholetohim,healmostbledoutinafuckingditch.”
Lucianstubbedouthiscigaretteintheconcreteashtray.“We’llmakeitright.”
Inodded.Iknewwewould.Thiswouldn’tstand.Andthemanwho’dputabulletinmybrotherwouldpay.
“Andyou’llmaketherestofitrighttoo,”hesaid,wordsclipped.“Youbothwastedenoughfuckingtime.It’sdonenow.”OnlyLucianRollinscouldmakeastatementlikethatandwillitintoreality.
IthoughtofNaomi’sproclamation.Maybewehadbeenidiotswastingtimewethoughtwe’dhad.“It’sdone,”Iagreed.
“Good.Iwastiredofmychildhoodbestfriendsactingliketheywerestillchildren.”
“Isthatwhyyoucameback?”
Hisexpressiondarkened.“Oneofthereasons.”
“Oneofthoseotherreasonshaveanythingtodowithaprettylittlelibrarianwhohatesyourguts?”
Hesighed,absentlypattinghispockets.
“Alreadyhadyourone,”Iremindedhim.
“Fuck,”hemuttered.Itwasasflusteredasheallowedhimselftoget.
Ihadthetemper.Nashhadthegoodnature.AndLucianhadtheself-controlofafuckingmonk.
“Whateverhappenedwithyoutwoanyway?”Iasked,enjoyingthedistractionofhisdiscomfort.
“YourbrotherisinanICUbed,”Luciansaid.“That’stheonlyreasonI’mnotknockingyourteethoutrightnow.”
Ascloseaswe’dallbeen,theonethingLucianneversharedwaswhatmadeSloanehatehim.Upuntillastnight,I’dthoughtthefeelingwasmutual.ButI’dseenhisfacewhenhesawher,whenshewalkedaway.Ididn’tknowmuchaboutfeelings,butwhateverwaswrittenalloverhisfacedidn’tlooklikehatetome.
“Youprobablydon’tevenrememberhowtothrowapunch,”Iteased.“Allthoseconferenceroomnegotiations.Youjustsicyourlawyersonpeopleinsteadofdeliveringanicerightcrosstotheface.Betit’slesssatisfying.”
“YoucantaketheboyoutofKnockemoutbutyoucan’ttaketheKnockemoutoutoftheboy,”hesaid.
Ihopeditwastrue.“Appreciateyoubein’here.”
Henodded.“I’llstaywithhimuntilLizacomesbackin.”
“That’dbegood,”Isaid.
Westoodinsilence,legsbracedasthesunrose,addinggoldtothepinkandpurple.Anewdayhadofficiallybegun.Alotofthingsweregonnachange,andIwaskeyeduptomakeitallhappen.
“Getsomesleep.”Luciandugintohispocketandtossedmehiskeys.“Takemycar.”
Icaughtthemmidairandhittheunlockbutton.AshinyJaguarblinkeditsheadlightsatmefromaprimoparkingspot.
“Alwaysdidhavegoodtaste.”
“Somethingsneverchange.”
Butsomethingshadto.
“I’llseeyoulater,man.”
Henodded.AndthenIsurprisedthehelloutofusbothbywrappinghiminahardone-armedhug.
“Missedyou,brother.”TWENTY-THREEKNOXKNOX.WHO’STHERE?
Naomi
Iwastornfromafitfulsleeponthecouchbypoundingatthefrontdoor.Disoriented,IstumbledaroundthecoffeetableandtriedtorememberwhereIwas.
The$20,000incashstilltuckedawayinmyapron.
Nash.
Knox.
Waylay’sfirstdayofschool.
NowonderI’dfallenpreytoanapattack.
IopenedthedoorandfoundafreshlyshoweredKnoxstandingonthewelcomemat.Waylontrottedinside,wagginghistail.
“Hey,”Icroaked.
Amanoffewwords,Knoxsaidnothingandsteppedoverthethreshold.Irubbedthesleepfrommyeyes.Helookedtenselikehewasspoilingforafight.Well,ifhe’dcomehereforafight,hewasgoingtobedisappointed.Iwastootiredtodeliverone.
“How’syourbrother?”Iventured.
Heshovedahandthroughhishair.“Longrecoveryahead.Buthe’llbeokay.GetWayofftoschoolthismorning?”
Hisbrotherhadbeenshot,andthemanrememberedtoaskaboutWaylay’sfirstday.Ididn’tknowhowtoreconcilethatwiththejerkwhoyelledatmeinfrontofhisowncustomers.Ifhecouldeversettlefullyintothethoughtfulgrumpandgiveupthepissed-offbadboy,he’dmakesomewomanveryluckysomeday.
“Yeah,”Iyawned.“ShesleptatLiza’slastnightsinceIdidn’tgethomeuntillate.Liza,Stef,andImadehersend-offbreakfastthere.StefmadechocolatechippancakeseventhoughItoldhimspikesinbloodsugarmakekidstiredandunfocusedatschool.”
Iwastiredandunfocused,notbecauseofpancakesbutbecauseKnox’sedginessmademenervous.
“Uh,speakingofStef,IthinkheandJeremiahmightbeintoeachother,”Isaid,graspingforatopicthatwouldwarrantsomekindofverbalreaction.
ButKnoxremainedsilentasheprowledthetinylivingroom,lookingmuchtoobigtobelonghere.Hewasamanwithalotoffeelingslockeduptight.Partofmewantedtocrackhimopen.Theotherpartwantedtojustgobacktobedandforgeteverythingforafewhours
“Doyouwantsomecoffee?Maybesomealcohol?”Ioffered,followinghimashemovedtowardthekitchen,hishandsclenchingintofistsonlytoreleaseagain.Overandoveragain.
Ididn’thaveanybeer,andthehardestalcoholinthehousewasacheaproséI’dbeenplanningtocrackopenwithSloane.ButIcouldsacrificeitfortheguywhosebrotherhadjustbeenshot.
Hepickeduptheprettyyellowleafonthecounter.I’dfounditinthelanethatmorningafterwalkingWaylaytothebus.Thetemperaturesstillsaidsummer,butthechangetofallwasinevitable.
Waylonhoppeduponthecouchinthelivingroom.
“Makeyourselfathome,”Itoldthedog.WhenIturnedtofaceKnox,hewasclosingthedistancebetweenus.
“Naomi.”
Hisvoicewasroughasitcaressedthesyllablesofmyname,andthenhishandswereonme,yankingmeintohim.Hismouthfoundmine,andIwaslosttosensation.Drowningindesire.
Neitherofuswantedtowantthis.Maybethat’swhatmadeitfeelsodamngood.OnehandslidintomyhairwhiletheotherpressedmylowerbackuntilIwasflushagainsthim.
“Knox,”Ibreathed.“Thisisn’twhatyouwant,”Iremindedhim.
“It’swhatIneed,”hesaidbeforedivingbackintothekiss.
Thiswasn’tthekissfromthewaitingroom.Thiswasdifferent,desperate.
Ilostmyselfinit.EverythoughttumbledoutofmyheaduntilIwasnothingbutfeeling.Hismouthwashardanddemanding,justliketheman.Isoftenedunderhim.Welcominghim.
Herespondedbytuggingatmyhairtoanglemyheadjustthewayhewantedasheslantedhismouthovermine.Histonguedidn’ttwineordancewithmine—itbattledmineintosubmission.
Hestolemybreath,mylogic,everyreasonwhythiswasaterribleidea.Hetookthemallandmadethemdisappear.
“That’swhatIneed,baby.Ineedtofeelyougosoftunderme.Needyoutoletmehaveyou.”
Icouldn’ttellifthiswasdirtytalkorromanticprose.Whicheversideofthelinehiswordsfellon,Ilovedit.
Hisfingersfoundthestrapofmydress.Myheartbeatskitteredintohighgearasheslidthefabricaninchdownmyshoulder,leavingmyskinburning.
Heneededthis.Me.AndIlivedtobeneeded.
Ireachedforhisshirtandslidmyhandsunderthehem,findingtherigidmuscleunderwarmskin.
Foronceinhislife,Knoxappearedtobefeelinghelpfulandyankedtheshirtoverhisheadwithonehand.God,allthatskinandmuscleandink.Idraggedmynailsoverhischest,andhegrowledintomymouth.
Yes,please.
Withonedeftswipe,heshovedthestrapofmydressoffmyshoulderthendidthesametotheotherone.
“AbouttimeIfindoutwhatyou’vegotonunderthesedresses,”hemurmured.
Isankmyteethintohislowerlipandyankedhardonhisbelt.
Icursedmyselfforputtingonmyleastsexyunderwearthismorning.ButatleastIhadn’tbotheredwithabrathismorning.Betweenunsexyundiesandunshackledboobs,Ifigureditallevenedout.
Helosthisjeansataboutthesamemomentmydressslithereddownmybodyandpooledatmyankles.
“Goddammit,baby.Ifuckingknewit.”
Hismouthwasonmyneck,nibblingandkissingitswaysouth.
Ishivered.“Knewwhat?”
“Thatyou’dlooklikethis.Thatyouhadafuck-mebody.”Hecuppedonebreastgreedily.
Hebackedmeintothefridge,andthecoldmetalhadmeyelping.“Knox!”
“I’dapologize,butyouknowI’mnottheleastbitsorry,”hesaidashistonguedartedouttostrokemyachingnipple.
Iwasnolongercapableofformingwords.Iwasnolongercapableofdrawinginabreath.AllIcoulddowascuphiserectionthroughhisboxerbriefsandhangonfordearlife.Whenhislipsclosedovermynippleandhestartedtosuck,thebackofmyheadhitthefridge.Thosedeep,decadentpullsechoedallovermybody,andIhadafeelingheknewit.
Hedidn’tstopsuckingasheshovedhisfreehandintomyunsexyunderwear
Webothmoanedwhenhisfingersfoundme.
“Knewit,”hemutteredagainashismouthmovedtomyotherbreast.“Knewyou’dbewetforme.”
Mymoanturnedintoacrywhenhepartedmyslitwithtwofingers.Themanknewwhathewasdoing.Therewasnofumbling.Nowasted,awkwardmovements.Evendrivenbyneed,everytouchwasmagic.
“Needtofeelyoufromtheinside,”hesaid,brushinghisbeardovermysensitizednipple.Whenhisfingersthrustintome,mykneesbuckled.
Hewastoomuch.Tooskilled.Expert-level.Professionalruinerofvaginas.AndIdidn’tknowifIcouldkeepup.Whenhestartedmovingthoseamazingfingers,IdecidedIdidn’tcare.
Hispenisflexedinmygrip.Iclumsilyshovedhisbriefsdown,freeinghisthickshaft,andgrippedithard.
Knoxstraightenedonagroananddroppedhisforeheadtomineasweworkedeachotherwitheagerhands.
“Needyouinabed,”hegrowledasadropofmoistureleakedovermyfingers.
Igrippedhimharder,strokedfaster.“IsurehopeyoucangetustoonebecauseIcan’twalk.”
“Damn,baby.Slowthefuckdown,”heorderedthroughgrittedteeth.
ButIwasn’tlistening.Iwastoobusymatchingthepumpofhisfingersinsideme.
Igaspedwhenhepulledoutofmythrobbingcore.“Mean!”Ihissedagainsthisneck.
Butjustwhenmybodyfeltdesolateovertheloss,hetossedmeoverhisshoulder.
“Knox!”
Hisonlyacknowledgmentwasaresoundingslaponmybehind.
“Whichroom?”hedemanded,takingthestairstwoatatime.
Iwasdizzywithlustandvertigo.“Thisone,”Imanaged.InsecondsIfoundmyselfonmybackinbedwiththenakedKnoxranginghimselfoverme.
“OhmyGod.Isthisreallyhappening?”
Whoops.Ihadn’tactuallymeanttosaythatoutloud.
“Donotcometoyoursensesyet,”heordered.
“Nosensehere.Promise.”
Hewastoobusylookingpainedtobeamused.Icouldn’tblamehimafterIgotmyfirstgoodlookathiserection.Itwasarousing,intimidating.Athick,purple-headedleaderintheworldoferectpenises.IgotalittledizzywhenKnoxfistedit.
IhopedtoGodheknewhowtouseit.Fewthingsweremoredisappointinginthislifethanawell-endowedmanwhohadnocluehowtousehisequipment.
Apparentlyitwasn’ttimetofindoutthough,becauseKnoxsliddownmybody,partingmylegsanddrapingthemoverhisshoulders.
Whenhepressedhisfacebetweenmylegs,mystomachmusclescontractedsohardIworriedI’dpulledsomething.Oh.God.Hisbeardwasabrasivebetweenmythighs,andIfreakinglovedit.
Histongue.Forbeingamanoffewwords,histonguewaspuremagic.
Hepairedlonggreedystrokeswithshort,shallowthrusts.Inamatterofseconds,Iwasreadytocome.
“Wait,wait,wait,”Iwhimpered,grippinghishair.
Hestoppedimmediately,earningseriouspoints.
“What’swrong?Youokay?”Concernwarredwithneedinthosesteelyblue-grayeyes.
“Thisisaone-timething.”Ineededtosayitaloud.ToremindmyselfthatthiswastheoneandonlytimeIwasgoingtoletKnoxMorganmakemecome.
“Onetime,”heagreed,stillwatchingmeclosely.“Finaloffer.”
“Don’ttalklikeagameshowhostwhenyourfaceisbetweenmylegs.”
“Don’taskmetohaveaconversationwhenyouwerejustabouttocomeonmyGoddamntongue.”
“Pointtaken,”Isaid.Myinsideswereactuallypulsingwithgreedydesire.“One-timething.Makeitcount.”
“Thenyoubetterhangthefuckon.”
ItwasagoodthingIdidashetoldmebecauseasecondortwoaftermyhandswrappedaroundthebrassheadboard,hedidsomethingmagicalwithhistongueatthesametimethathecrookedhisfingersinsidemeandmyentirebodyimploded.
IclosedsotightaroundhisfingersIworriedhewasgoingtoneedanX-ray.Notworriedenoughtostopandcheck,ofcourse.BecauseIwasinthemiddleofthebestorgasmofmylifeandIhadpriorities.IfIhadbrokenhisfingers,hedidn’tseemtomindbecausehejustkeptrightonlickingmethroughmybone-shatteringrelease.
“Stillcoming.Icanfeelyou,”hesaidonagroan.
Atleast,that’swhatIthoughthesaid.MyearswereringinglikeIwasinachurchbelltoweronSundaymorning
“Gonnaneedaminute,”Igasped,fightingtogetoxygenintomylungs.
“Uh-uh.Makingitcount,”hesaidfromsomewherethatsoundedveryfaraway.“Besides,Iwanttoslidemycockinyouwhileyou’restillcoming.”
“’Kay.”
IheardthedistinctcrinkleofthewrapperfromeitheraPop-Tartoracondom.Itappearedtobethelatterbecausethewidecrestofhiserectionwasproddingatmyverycore.
Hepausedlongenoughtoswipehistongueovereachofmybreastsbeforerisinguponhisknees.
Helookedlikeavengefulwarrior.Tattooedandmuscled.Hislidsheavy,chestheaving.AtleastIwasn’ttheonlyonehavingadamngoodtime,Irealized.
Itwasmylastcoherentthoughtbeforehethrusthishipsandburiedthatlong,thickweaponofmassdestructioninsideme.
Oureyeslocked,andhisfacefrozeinagonizedpleasureandtriumphashehittheveryendofme.
Ididn’trealizeI’dspasmedupintoanabcurluntilheputoneofthosebighandsonmychestandpressedmebackdowntothemattress.
“Relax,baby.Relax,”hewhispered
Iletoutthebreaththathadbeentrappedinmylungsandsuckedinanother.Hewassodamnbig.Andhewasright—Icouldfeelthetinylittletremorsworkingmymusclesaroundhim.
“Youkeepmilkingmydicklikethat,sweetheart,andthisisgonnahavetobeatwo-timething.”
“Mmmph.Good.Yes.”
Hegrinneddownatme.“Sothisiswhatittakesforyoutolosethatfancyvocabularyofyours.”
“Ugh.Areyougonnatalkalldayorareyougoingtomove?”Igrumbled.Theneedwasalreadybuildinginmeagain.IwonderedifKnox’scockwassomesortofmagicalwandthatcastorgasmspells,renderingthingslikerallytimeandbiologicalrequirementsnon-existent.
“Lookatme,Naomi,”hesaid.
IdidasIwastold.
“Goddammit,you’rebeautiful.Andsofuckingwetforme.”
Andhewasrockhardforme.
That’swhenhestartedtomove.Slowly.Languidly.Sweatglistenedonhisskin.Hisjawwasset.Buthishipspumpedlikeametronomeasheglidedinandoutofme.
Itfeltlikeheaven.ButIcouldtellhewasholdinghimselfback,andIwantedtogivehimeverythingheneeded.Wantedhimtotakeit.
“Don’tbegentle,”Igroaned.
“Takingmytime.Dealwithit.”
“Knox,ifyougetanymorebloodinthatappendage,it’sgoingtoexplode.”
“You’vegotanopiniononeverything.EvenonhowIfuckyou.”
“Especiallyonhowyoufuckme.”
Hekissedmeprobablyjusttoshutmeup,butIdidn’tcarebecausewhenIhitchedmyhipshigher,histhrustscamefaster,wentdeeper.Hewaspushingmejustpastmycomfortzone,makingmetakealittlemorethanIwasconfidentIcouldhandle.
AnddamnifIdidn’tgetoffonit.
HewasgivingmewhatIneededwithoutmehavingtospellitoutforhimandbreakitdown.Withoutmehavingtoask.Withouthimsaying,“maybeit’sjusteasierifyoudoityourself.”
“Comebacktome,Daisy.”
Iblinked,andKnox’sfacecamebackintofocus,hoveringovermeandlookingserious.“You’rerightherewhenI’minsideyou.Nowhereelse.Gotme?”
Inodded.EmbarrassedthatI’dnearlygottenlostinsidemyhead.Hewasright.HowmanytimeshadIgottensowrappedupinmyplansandliststhatImissedwhatwasrightinfrontofme?Orinthiscase,insideme.
ToproveIwaswithhim,Isankmynailsintohisshouldersandsqueezedmymusclesaroundhisshaftashedrovedeep.
“That’smygirl,”hegroaned.
Whatweweredoingfeltsogood.Soright
Hischesthairtickledmypuckerednipplesasmyheelsdugintothoseperfectasscheeksofhis.Anotherorgasmwasalreadystartingtobuild.
Itfeltotherworldlygood.
Hefeltittoo.Histhrustswerehardernow,lesscontrolled,andIwantedmore.
“Can’tdecidehowIwantyou,”heconfessedthroughgrittedteeth.“Thoughtabouttoomanyways.”
“Youhave?”Ibreathed,tryingtosoundsurprisedlikeIdidn’thavearegularfantasyofhimbangingmebentoverthepooltableatHonkyTonk.
Henippedatmybottomlip.“Upagainstawallinmyoffice.Myhandoveryourmouthsonoonecanhearmemakingyoucome.Youridingmeinmytruck.TheseperfecttitsinmyfacesoIcansuckyouwhileIfuckyou.OnyourhandsandkneeslookingoveryourshoulderwhileIworkyoufrombehind.”
Okay,thosewereprettygood.
Mybreastsfeltheavy,swollen.Everynerveendinginmybodywaslightingup.AndthoseabmusclesIthoughtI’dtornwithmyfirstorgasmweretensingagain.
“Fuck,baby.Youjustkeepgettingtighter.”
Icouldfeeleveryvein,everyridge,everyinchofhisarousalashedroveintome.Againandagain,herammedhimselfhome.Euphoriafilledmyheadlikeafog.
Hismusclesweretautundermyfingers.Wewerebothshaking.Iwasgoingtocomewithhiminsidemeandneverbethesameagain.Heforcedahandbetweenusandcuppedmybreast,mygreedynipplepebblingagainsthispalm.
“Takeitall,baby.”
AndIdid,openingaswideasIcouldandholdingonfordearlifeashedrovemeovertheedge.
Hedidn’teasemeintotheorgasm—hedetonatedit.Itshotthroughmelikehighvoltage,makingmetremblefromheadtotoe.Iburiedmyfaceinhisneckandscreamed.
“Ah,fuck.Fuck!”
Iopenedmyeyestofindhimpoweringintome,eyeshalf-closed.Allvestigesofcontrolsnapped.
Ifelthiserectionswellinsidemeashegruntedonthenextthrustandthenext.Iwasstillcomingwhenhejerkedinsideme,lettingoutagutturalshoutoftriumph.Heburiedhimselfdeepandheldthere.Ourbodiesaligned,releasessynchronizing.Witheverywrenchingpulseofhiserection,mymusclesgrippedhimtighter.
“Naomi,”hegrowledintomyneckaswerodeitouttogether.Heartspoundingasone.TWENTY-FOURUNINVITEDGUESTS
Naomi
AsoftsnorestartledmefrommyincrediblysteamydreamaboutKnoxMorgan.WhenIheardthesnoreagain,feltthewarm,hardbodyagainstme,myeyelidsflewopencartoonshade-style.
Thiswasn’tadream.
I’daccidentallyhadsexwithmygrumpyboss,infuriatingneighbor,andflagrantbackyardpee-er.
Iwaitedforthestampedeofregretstochargethroughmybrainlikebisononadustyprairie.Butitseemedmybodywastoosatedtoallowforthat.Knoxhadbangedmybrainandbodyintosubmission.
Carefullysoasnottodisturbmysnoringbedpartner,Irolledtofacehim.Hewasnaked,thesheettangledupinhislegs,leavingmostofhisspectacularbodyondisplay.ThiswasthefirsttimeI’dhadtheopportunitytostudyhimupclosewithouthimknowing.
Thatthick,dark,dirtyblondhairwasmussedfrommyhands.Therewasasmallscarbetweenhiseyebrowsandanotherone,longer,morejagged,nearhishairline.Hislasheswerelongenoughtomakemejealous.Hislips,usuallyclosedinthatfirm,disapprovingline,werepartedslightly.
Hesleptonhisback,onetattooedarmunderhishead,theotheraroundme.Ihadn’tpeggedhimforacuddler.Nooneintheirrightmindwould.Buttheholdhehadonmesaiddifferently.Hischestroseandfellwithdeep,evenbreaths.Istudiedhisstomachmuscleswithfascination.Mineweresorefromtheunexpectedabworkoutorgasmsdelivered.Hislookedliketheycouldwithstandanything,taperingdowntoatautVthatdisappearedbeneaththesheet.
Helookedsopeacefulthateventheperpetuallineofannoyancebetweenhiseyebrowshadsmoothed.
Icouldn’tbelieveKnoxMorganwasnakedinmybed.
Oh,God.
KnoxMorganwasnaked.
Inmybed.
Andthesneakysonofabitchhadgivenmetwoofthemostintenseorgasmsknowntohumankind.HowinthehellwasIsupposedtolookhimintheeyenowandnotsendmyvaginaintoinvoluntaryspasms?
Ah,thereitwas.Myoldfriend,abjectpanic.
WhatwasIdoinginbedwithamanIknewbetterthantosleepwithmereweeksafterrunningawayfrommyownwedding?
IneededtogetoutofthisbedbecauseifKnoxwokeupandgavemeasleepy-eyedstare,I’dthrowcautiontothewindandhoprightbackonthatcockofhiswithoutanotherthought.
Ittookafewtries,butImanagedtoextricatemyselffromhissurprisinglysnugglygrip.Notwantingtowakehimbyrummagingthroughdrawers,IgrabbedthenightgownI’dsetoutfortonightandwiggledintoitbeforetiptoeingoutoftheroom.
“One-timething,”IchantedtomyselfasImademywaydownthestairs.
Ithappened.Itwasover.Timetomoveon.
Itrippedoveradiscardedbootonmywayintothekitchen.“Ow!Damnit,”Ihissed.
Waylonliftedhisheadfromthecouch,letoutayawn,andstretchedluxuriously.
“Hi,”Isaid,feelingself-consciousthatthedogmightbejudgingmeforsleepingwithhishuman.Butifthebassethoundwasfeelingjudgmental,itdidn’tlastbecauseherolledoverandpromptlywentbacktosleep.
ImovedKnox’sbootsawayfromthefootofthestairs.
We’dleftatrailofclothingonthefirstfloor,somethingelseI’dneverdone.
I’dpickitallupandfolditjustassoonasIhadahitofcoffee.
Thelatenight,theworryoverNash,andWaylay’sfirstday,nottomentionthemind-alteringorgasms,hadallrenderedmenearlycomatose.
Iquicklystartedapotofcoffee,thenrestedmyforeheadonthecounterwhileIwaitedforittobrew.
IthoughtaboutWaylay,trudgingontothebigyellowschoolbusinherpurpledressandpinksneakers.Hernewbackpackfullofsuppliesandsnacks.
Shehadn’tbeenexcitedforherfirstdayofsixthgrade.Icouldonlyimaginehowawfullastyear,herfirstinKnockemout,hadbeen.Hopefully,betweenNina,Chloe,andanewteacher,Waylaywouldgetthesecondchanceshesodeserved.Andifthatdidn’tdothetrick,Iwouldfindanothersolution.Waylaywasasmart,funny,sweetkid,andIwouldn’tlettheworldignorethat.
Thecoffeemakerbeepeditssirensongofafinishedpot.Myfingershadjustclosedaroundthehandleofthecoffeecarafewhentherewasapeppyknockatthefrontdoor.
Waylon’sheadpoppedbackupfromthecouch.
Hastily,Ipouredamugandtookascaldingswallowbeforethrowingopenthedoor.
IchokedonthemouthfulofcaffeinewhenIfoundmyparentsstandingontheporch.
“There’sourgirl!”Mymother,lookingtanandhappy,openedherarms.
At61,AmandaWittstilldressedtoaccentuatethecurvesthathadcaughtmyfather’seyeincollege.Shetookprideincoloringherhairthesameauburnithadbeenontheirweddingday,thoughnowsheworeitinadaringpixiecut.Shegolfed,workedpart-timeasaschoolcounselor,andbreathedlifeintoeveryroomsheentered.
“Mom?”Icroaked,automaticallyleaninginforahug.
“Lou,isn’tthisthecutestlittlecottageyou’veeverseen?”shesaid.
Myfathergrunted.Hehadhishandsstuffedintothepocketsofhisshortsandwasnudgingtheporchrailingwiththetoeofhissneakers.“Seemssolid,”hesaid.
Momwasimpressedbyprettythings.Dadpreferredtoappreciatesturdiness.
“Howyoudoing,kiddo?”heasked.
Itransferredmyhugtohimandlaughedasmytoeslefttheground.WhileMomwasafewinchesshorterthanTinaandme,Dadwasoversixfeettall.Abearofamanwhoalwaysmademefeellikeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.
“Whatareyoutwodoinghere?”Iaskedashecarefullyputmedown.
“Sweetheart,youcan’ttelluswehaveagranddaughterandnotexpectustodrivestraighthere.Didwegetyououtofbed?That’salovelynightgown,”Momnoted.
Bed.
Nightgown.
Sex.
Knox.
Oh,God.
“Uhhh…”
“Itoldyouweshouldhavecutthatcruiseshort,Lou,”Momsaid,slappingDadintheshoulder.“She’sobviouslydepressed.She’sstillinherpajamas.”
“She’snotdepressed,Mandy,”Dadinsisted,rappinghisknucklesonthedoorframeashesteppedinside.“Whatisthis?Oak?”
“Idon’tknow,Dad.Mom,I’mnotdepressed,”Isaid,tryingtofigureoutawaytogetthemoutofthehousebeforemynakedguestwokeup.“Ijust…uh…workedlatelastnight,andtherewasafamilyemergency—”
Momgasped.“IssomethingwrongwithWaylay?”
“No.Mom.Sorry.Notourfamily.ThefamilywhoownsthisplaceandthebarIworkat.”
“Ican’twaittoseeit.What’sitcalledagain?HankyPank?”
“HonkyTonk,”Icorrectedher,spyingmydressonthefloor.“Didyouseethelivingroom?”Itcameoutasanalmostshout,andmyparentsexchangedaglancebeforepretendingtobeenthralledwiththespaceIwaswavingat.
“Justlookatthatfireplace,Lou.”
“Yes,lookatthefireplace,”Iallbutscreeched.
Dadgrunted.
Asmyparentsadmiredthefireplace,Ihookedthedresswithmytoesandsweptitunderthekitchentable.
“Andyougotadog!My,youhavebeenbusysincethewedding.”
Waylonliftedhishead,ajowlstillstucktothepillow.Histailthumpedonthecushion,andmymomdissolvedintoapuddleofaffection.“Who’sahandsomeboy?Youare,sir.Yes,youare!”
“See,Mandy,she’snotdepressed.She’sjustbusy,”Dadinsisted.
“Isn’ttheviewofthewoodsgreat?”Isaid,thewordssoundingstrangledasIpointedfranticallyatthewindows.
Whentheyturnedtoadmirethewoodsthroughtheglass,IgrabbedKnox’sjeansoffthefloorandthrewthemintothecabinetunderthesink.
“Beeper,comemeetyournieceornephewdoggy!”Mymotherwasusingher“straight-Areportcardontherefrigerator”voice,whichwasdefinitelyloudenoughtowakethemanupstairsinmybed.
“YouguysbroughtBeeper?”
Beeperwasmyparents’latestrescuedog.Shewasamixofbreeds—IgotthemtheDNAtestforChristmasthepreviousyear—thathadbeenscrambledtogetherandcameoutlookinglikealarge,brownBrillopadwithfeet.TheBrillopadappearedinthedoorwayandtrottedinside.
Waylonsatupandgaveanappreciative“woof.”
“ThisisWaylon.He’snotmine.Hebelongstomy…um.Neighbor?Hey,doyouguyswanttogetoutofhereandgoforbreakfastorlunchorjustleaveforanyreasonatall?”
WaylonhoppedoffthecouchandboopednoseswithBeeper.Beeperletoutahigh-pitchedyap,andthetwoofthembegantozoomaroundtheminusculefirstfloor.
“Daisy,baby,whatthefuckareyoudoingdownthere?”
Iwatchedinhorrorasbarefeetattachedtonaked,muscularlegsappearedonthestairs.MomandIfrozetothespotasboxerbriefs—thankGodforpenis-coveringmiracles—cameintoview.
Dad,movingquicklyforabigguy,puthimselfbetweenusandtheapproachingboxerbriefs.
“Stateyourbusiness,”DadshoutedatKnox’sbaretorso.
“Wow,wow,wow,”Momwhispered.
Shewasn’twrong.Themanwasfreakingspectacular.
WaylonandBeeperchosethatmomenttotaketheirzoomiesupthestairs.
“Daze,youwannaexplainwhat’sgoin’on?”Knoxdrawledashesidesteppedthecaninecatastrophe.
IduckedunderDad’sarmandmovedtostandbetweenmyparentsandmyboss…er,neighbor?One-timesexpartner?
“Uh.Okay.So…IreallywishIwouldhavehadmorecoffee.”
“Arethosetattoosreal?Howmanytimesaweekdoyougotothegym?”Momasked,peeringunderDad’sarmpit.
“Whatthehellisgoin’on?”Dadrumbled.
“Oh,Lou.Soold-fashioned,”Momsaid,givinghimanaffectionatepatonthebacksidebeforewalkinguptoKnoxandhugginghim.
“Mom!”
Knoxstoodtherewoodenlyclearlyinshock.
“Welcometothefamily,”shesaid,pressingakisstohischeek.
“OhmyGod.I’mgoingtodieofembarrassment,”Idecided.
Knoxpattedmymotherawkwardlyontheback.“Uh.Thanks?”
Shereleasedhimandthengrabbedmebytheshoulders.“Weweresoworriedaboutyou,sweetheart.Itwasn’tlikeyoutojustupandleaveyourownweddinglikethat.NotthatweeverlikedWarnerthatmuchanyway.”
“Alwaysthoughthewasapretentiousass,”Dadcutin.
“Ithoughtmaybeyouweredepressed,”Momcontinued.“Butnowitallmakessense!Youfellinlovewithsomeoneelseandcouldn’tgothroughwithashamofamarriage.Isn’tthatwonderful,Lou?”
“Ineedcoffee,”Knoxmutteredandheadedforthekitchen.
“Aren’tyougoingtointroduceus?”Daddemanded,stillnotlookingverypleased.
“Naomi,”Knoxcalledfromthecoffeepot.“Pants?”
Iwinced.“Underthesink.”
Hegavemealong,unreadablelookbeforebendingtoretrievehisjeans.
Mymothergavemeanincrediblyinappropriatedoublethumbs-upasKnoxturnedhisbackonusandzippedtheflyofhisjeans.
MOM!Imouthed.
Butshejustcontinuedflashingmethethumbsandacreepysmileofapproval.
ItremindedmeofthetimeI’dtakenhertoseetheAndersontownCommunityTheater’sproductionofTheFullMonty.Mymomhadanappreciationforthemaleform.
“Okay,Ithinkwe’regettingalittleaheadofourselves.Mom,Dad,thisisKnox.He’smyneighborandboss.We’renotinlove.”
Mymother’sfacefell,andDadlookedatthefloor,handsonhips,hisshouldershunched.I’dseenthatreactionbefore.Concern.Disappointment.Worry.ButneverforanythingI’ddone.ItwasalwaysTinabringingthemtrouble.Ihatedthatthistimeitwasme.
“Isthissomeone-nightstand?Areyouhavingsomekindofmid-lifecrisis,andthisguytookadvantageofyou?”Myfather,whohadwonBestHuggerthreeyearsrunningattheWittFamilyReunion,lookedasifhewasaboutreadytostartthrowingpunches.
“Dad!Noonetookadvantageofanyone.”
IshutupasKnoxappearedatmysideandhandedmeafreshcupofcoffee.
“Howlongareyoutwointown?”Knoxaskedmyparents.
Dadglaredathim.
“Wehaven’tdecided,”Momsaidtohistattoos.“We’reveryexcitedtomeetourgranddaughter.Andwe’realittleconcernedaboutyouknowwho.”ShepointedatmeasifIhadn’theardherstagewhisper.
Knoxlookedatmeandsighed.Heputhisfreehandonthebackofmyneckandpulledmeintohisside.“Here’sthesituation.Yourdaughterblewintotowntryingtohelpherno-goodsister,nooffense.”
“Nonetaken,”Momassuredhim.
“ItookonelookatNaomiandfellhardandfast.”
“Knox,”Ihissed.Buthesqueezedthebackofmyneckandcontinued.
“We’rejustseeingwherethisthinggoes.Couldbenothing,butwe’reenjoyingit.Youraisedasmart,beautiful,stubbornwoman.”
Momfluffedherhair.“Shegetsthatfromme.”
“Whatisityoudoforaliving,Knock?”Daddemanded.
“Knox,”Icorrected.“Heownsbusinessesandsomeproperty,Dad.”
Myfatherharrumphed.“Self-mademan?Guessit’sbetterthanMr.Nepotism.”IassumedhewasspeakingofWarner,whogotajobatthefamilycompanyaftercollegegraduation.
“Gotluckyafewyearsbackandwonthelottery.Investedmostofithereinmyhometown,”Knoxexplained.“ThoughtI’dusedupallmylucktillNaomihereshowedup.”
FakeRomanticKnoxwasgoingtoruinallrealromanceformeifIwasn’tcareful.
“Hisname’sonthepolicestation,”Isaidwithforcedbrightness.
Hisgriponmynecktightenedagain.Ireachedbehindhimandpinchedtheskinjustabovethewaistbandofhisjeans.Hesqueezedharder.Ipinchedharder.
“IneedsomeAdvilorsomething,”Dadmuttered,rubbinghisforehead.
“Youshouldn’thaveaheadache,Lou.Ourdaughterisfine.Iwastheonewhowasworriedonthewaydownhere,remember?”MomsaidasifKnoxandIweren’tevenintheroom
“Yeah?Well,nowI’mtheonewhothinksthere’ssomethingwrongwithher.”
“Letmegetyousomethingforyourhead,”Ioffered,tryingtoextricatemyselffromKnox’sgrip.Buthemerelysqueezedtighterandtookasipofhiscoffee.
“Don’tbesilly.Ihaveallofyourfather’sfavoriteanti-inflammatoriesinmypurse,”Momannounced.Shebustledovertowhereshe’dplantedherpursenexttothefrontdoor.Dadshovedhishandsinhispocketsandwanderedintothekitchen.IsawhimfrownatKnox’st-shirtwhereitlaycrumpledonthestovetop.
“Waylayisgoingtobesoexcitedtomeetyou.Whereareyoutwostayingwhileyou’rehere?”Iasked,desperatetomakesmalltalk.
“There’samotelintown.We’llseeiftheyhaveanyroomsavailable,”Dadsaid,openingcupboarddoorsandtappingtheshelves.
Afterathree-weekluxuryMediterraneancruise,Ididn’tthinkmyparentswouldenjoythemoldy,dilapidatedmotel.IwasalreadyshakingmyheadwhenKnoxspokeup.
“Ithinkwecandobetterthanthat.We’llfindroomforyouatLizaJ’s.”
“Knox,”Ihissed.HowwasIgoingtopretendtobeinarelationshipwithKnoxwithmyparentsstayingpracticallynextdoor?
Heleanedinlikehewasgoingtonuzzlethesideofmyfaceandwhispered,“Shutup.”Thenhebrushedhislipsovermytemple,andmynippleswenthard.
Momwaltzedbywithabottleofpills,beamingatme.Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.
“I’msureyou’dwanttostayasclosetoyourdaughterandgranddaughteraspossible,”Knoxsaid.
“Knox,canIseeyououtside?”Iaskedthroughclenchedteeth.
“Doyouseehowtheycan’tkeeptheirhandsoffeachother?”Momtrilledbehindus.
“Yeah.Yougotanyantacidsinthere?”Dadasked,lookingill.
IclosedthedooranddraggedKnoxontotheporch.
“Sowhatarewesupposedtodo?Pretendtobeinarelationshipuntilmyparentsleave?”
“You’rewelcome.Youfuckingoweme,Daze.Doyouhaveanyideawhatthisisgonnadotomybachelorreputation?”
“Idon’tcareaboutyourreputation!I’mtheonewhohastopassahomestudy!Besides,I’mtiredofowingyou!Whydoyoukeepridingtomyrescue?”
Hetuckedastrandofhairbehindmyear.“MaybeIlikebeingtheheroforonce.”
Mykneesthreatenedtobuckleastheknee-jerkdesiretoswoonsweptoverme.Hisgrinwasdownrightsinfulwhenhepulledmeintohim.
ThecontactwithhisbodysosoonafterTheBestSexEverwasfryingmycircuits.Ididn’twanttoyellathimanymore.Iwantedtokisshim.
“Ormaybe,”hewhisperedagainstmylips,“Ijustwanttoknowwhatitfeelsliketohaveyoursmartmouthwrappedaroundmycock.”
Thatwasatleasthonest.Anddirty.AndIlikedit.
Hehadonehandboldlycuppingmyrearend.Theotherheldmyhairatthebaseofmyneck.
“Pardontheinterruption.”
Instinctively,IjumpedbackfromKnox.Well,Itriedto.Hestillhadaprettygoodgriponme.WhichturnedouttobeagoodthingsinceIprobablywouldhavefallenrightovertherailingwhenIspottedcaseworkerYolandaSuarezeyeingusfromthefootofthesteps.
“Mrs.Suarez,howlovelytoseeyouagain.”Ichokedthewordsout.TWENTY-FIVEFAMILYFUSS
Knox
EvenwiththeunwelcomeintrusionsofNaomi’sparentsfollowedbythedisapprovingcaseworkerwho’dbeenmissingasignatureonapage,IwasinagreatfuckingmoodwhenIreturnedtothehospital.
Sure,thewholepretendingtobeinarelationshipthingwasprobably—definitely—goingtobeapainintheass.ButitwouldgetNaomioutofajamandpissmybrotheroff.
I’dwokeupthatmorningknowingthatoncewasn’tgoingtobeenoughwhenitcametoher.Nowwecouldfoolaroundforafewweeks,geteachotheroutofoursystems,andonceherparentsheadedhome,gobacktoourregularliveswithitchesscratched.
Allinall,itwasn’tabadgig.
IsteppedintoNash’sroomandfoundmostoftheKnockemoutPDcrowdedinside.
“Letmeknowwhatyoufindfromtheofficeandthestorageunit,”Nashsaidfromthebed.Hiscolorwasabitbetter.
“Suregladyoudidn’tkickthebucket,son,”Gravesaid.
Therestofthemnoddedtheiragreement.
“Yeah,yeah.NowgetthehelloutofhereandtrytokeepKnockemoutfromunraveling.”
Inoddedtoeachcopastheyleft,thinkingaboutwhatNaomihadsaidaboutNashcleaningupthedepartmenttobetterservethetown.
Shewasright.Iguesswebothwantedtodorightbythetownthathadgivenusaplacetocallhome.
“So.How’sNaomi?”Nashasked,soundingonlyalittleirritatedafterthelastofficerwalkedoutthedoor.
“Good,”Isaid.
Morganmendidn’tkissandtellorfuckandtell.ButIdidallowthesmallestofsmirks.
“Youfuckitupyet?”
“You’rehilariouswhenyou’repumpedfullofleadanddrugs.”
Hesighed,andIcouldtellhewasalreadysickofbeingcoopedupinthehospital.
“What’swiththestaffmeeting?”Iasked.
“Coupleofbreak-inslastnight.Anofficeandstorageunit.BothownedbyRodneyGibbons.Officewasn’tbad.Someonegotthepettycashandriffledthroughthesafe,combinationwasonastickynotenexttothecomputer.Storageunitwastrashed.Noonesawanythingateitherplace,”heexplained.
“Howlongtheykeepingyou?”Iasked.
Nashusedhisthumbtoscratchbetweenhiseyebrows,atelloffrustration.
“Toofuckinglong.SaidthesoonestIcangetoutisacoupleofdays.Thenit’sPTtoseehowmuchmobilityIcangetback.”
IfNashdidn’tgetbackto100%,he’dbehandcuffedtoadeskfortherestofhiscareer.SomethingevenIknewhe’dhate.
“Thendon’tfuckaround,”Iadvised.“Dowhatthedocssay.DoyourPTandgetyourshittogether.Noonewantsyouridingadesk.”
“Yeah.Luceisdiggingintoit,”hesaid,changingthesubject.Hedidn’tsoundhappyaboutit.
“Ishe?”Ihedged.
“Youdamnwellknowheis.It’spolicebusiness.Idon’tneedeitherofyouamateursoutonthestreetsstirringshitup.”
Iwasoffendedbytheamateurremark.We’dbeenprofessionalhell-raisersinourday.AndthoughImightbealittlerusty,Ihadafeelingourfriendwasevenmoredangerousnowthanhe’dbeenatseventeen.
“Yourboysgetanythingontheguy?”Iasked.
Nashshookhishead.“Stolencar.WipedcleanontheoutskirtsofLawlerville.Localsfounditaboutanhourago.”
“Howclean?”
Heshrugged,thenwinced.“Dunnoyet.Noprintsonthewheelordoorhandles.”
“Asshole’sdumbenoughtoshootacop,he’sdumbenoughtoleaveprintssomewhere,”Ipredicted.
“Yeah,”heagreed.Hewasmovinghislegsrestlesslyunderthethinwhiteblanket.“HeardLizahasafewnewguests.”
Inodded.“Naomi’sparents.Showedupthismorning.Guessthey’reanxioustomeettheirgranddaughter.”
“Heardthattoo.Alsoheardthatyoumadequitetheimpressioncomingdownstairsinyourbirthdaysuit.”
“Yourgrapevineneedssomepruning.Iwaswearingunderwear.”
“Betherdadlovedthat.”
“Hehandledit.”
“Wonderhowyoustackupagainsttheex-fiancé?”hemused.
“Herparentsweren’tfansoftheex,”Isaid.ThoughIwasn’tsurehowIcomparedinNaomi’seyes.
IpeereddownatNash’suntouchedlunchtray.Brothandgingerale.“Howthehellareyousupposedtosurviveonclearliquids?”
Mybrothermadeaface.“Somethingaboutnottaxingthesystem.I’dkillforaburgerandfries.Theboysaretooscaredofthenursestosneakinanycontraband.”
“I’llseewhatIcando,”Ipromised.“Gottaheadout.SomeshittotakecareofbeforethebigfamilydinnertonightcelebratingWay’sfirstdayandNaomi’sparentscomingtotown.”
“Ihateyou,”Nashsaid.Buttherewasnorealheattohiswords.
“Letthisbealessontoyou,littlebrother.Yougottamakeyourmovesfasterorelsesomeoneelse’llmake’emforyou.”
Istartedforthedoor.
“TellWaytoletmeknowifanyoneatschoolmesseswithher,”Nashcalled.
“Willdo.”
“TellNaomishe’swelcometoswingbyanytime.”
“Nothappening.”
***
LizaJ’shousenolongersmelledlikeamothballmuseum.Itmighthavehadsomethingtodowithsomeoneopeningthedoortoletfourdogsinorouteveryfiveminutes.
Thenagain,itprobablyhadmoretodowiththefactthatroomsthathadn’tbeentouchedinfifteenyearsweregettingNaomi’sfloor-to-ceilingtreatment.Dustydrapesandthewindowsbehindthemopenedwide.
Thelightswereonintheden,aroomthathadn’tbeenusedsincethehousehadwelcomedpayingguests.IspiedStefbehindthedeskonthephone,staringatthelaptopinfrontofhim.
Therewasmusiccomingfromthekitchen,andIcouldhearthesoundsofpeoplesocializinginthebackyard.
Maybenotallchangewasbad.
Iknelttogivethepackofdogstheirrubs.Naomi’sparents’dog,Beeper,wasstandingononeofWaylon’sears
“Fuckyeah!”
Theexclamationcamefromtheden.Stefclosedhislaptoptriumphantlyandstoodbehindthedesk,armsoverheadinaV.
Thedogs,excitedbyhisexcitement,chargedthedoorsandbarreledintotheroom.
“Okay,no.Everyoneout,”Stefsaid.“TheseareveryexpensiveGucciloafersyou’redestroyingwithyourdoggytoenails.”
“Goodnews?”Iaskedasheexitedtheden.Thedogstookofftowardthekitchen,movingasoneclumsyorganismofslobberandbarks.
“Don’tbuddyuptome.I’mstillmadatyou,”hesaid.
WhenNaomiandIbroughtherparentsovertomeetmygrandmother,Stefhadtriedtocoverthefactthathe’dbeenintownfordays.
Noonewouldhaveboughthis“whatacoincidence,Ijustgotherethismorning”bullshitforlong.
IjusthelpedthemgettherebytellingMandyandLouwhatareliefitwastohaveStefunderLiza’sroofforsuchalongvisit.
“You’llgetoverit,”Ipredicted
“JustwaituntilyoudisappointMandy,”hesaid.“Itfeelslikekickingalitterofkittens.”
Ididn’treallyhaveanyoneinmylifetodisappoint.
Ifollowedhimintothediningroom,wheremygrandmother’sbuffethadbeentransformedintoahigh-endbarcompletewithcutlemonsandlimes,anicebucket,andseveralbottlesofdecentliquor.
“Whatareyoudrinking?”heaskedme.
“Bourbonorbeer.”
“It’stoohotforstraight,roomtemperatureliquorandbeerisn’tcelebratoryenough.We’rehavingG&Ts.”
Icouldrollwiththat.“Whatarewecelebrating?”
“Naomi’shouse,”hesaid.“Itwentonthemarkettwodaysago,andshehasthreeoffers.Let’shopeshethinksit’sgoodnews.”
“Whythehellwouldn’tshe?”
Stefshotmeablandlook,thenstartedscoopingiceintotwohighballglasses.“Youknowhowsomepeoplehavedreamhouses?Well,Naomihadthenext-stephouse.Shelovedit.Itwastheperfectplacetostartafamily.Therightneighborhood.Therightsize.Therightnumberofbathrooms.Givingupthathouseislikegivinguponallherdreams.”
“Planschange,”Isaidashecrackedopenabottleoftonicwater.
“I’llsaysinceshehadnointentionofgettinginbedwithyou.”
“Herewego,”Imuttered.“ThisisthepartwhereyoutellmeI’mnotgoodenoughforherandItellyoutofuckoff.”
Hepouredahealthyslugofginintoeachglass.“Let’sskiptothebottomline.She’sgivingupeverythingtocleanupTina’smess.Again.Aslongasyou’reapleasantdistractionandnotanothermesstofix,Iwon’tdestroyyourlife.”
“Gee,thanks.Bytheway,samegoesifyouhookupwithJer.”
ToStef’scredit,hedidn’tfumblethelimeslicesorsprigsofrosemaryhewasaddingtoeachglasswhenImentionedmybestfriend.
“Sothat’swhatitfeelsliketohaveanobnoxiousmeddlerstickinghisnosewhereitdoesn’tbelong,”hesaidevenly.
“Yeah.Notgreat,isit?”
“Messagereceived.Maybeashort-termpalatecleanserisexactlywhatsheneedstogetWarnerFuckfacetheThirdoutofherheadandstartplanningalifeforherselfandWay.”
“I’lldrinktothat,”Isaid,ignoringtheway“palatecleanser”rubbedmethewrongway.
“Cheers.Let’sgotellourgirlthatinfifteendayshermoneytroublesareofficiallyoverifshe’swillingtokissherdreamsgood-bye.”
Weheadedintothesunroomandoutontothedeck.Thehumidityhadbrokenjustenoughthatitwasalmostcomfortableoutside.Oldiesmusicpouredfromaspeakeronthetable.
Louwasmanningthegrill.Thesizzleandscentofredmeatmademymouthwater.AmandaandmygrandmotherweresittinginAdirondackchairs,shadingtheireyesfromtheloweringsun.
Thedogs,wetnow,shookandsunnedthemselvesinthegrass.
ButwhatcaughtandheldmyattentionwasNaomi.Shewasknee-deepinthecreek,sunglasseson.Thatshort,darkswingofhairpulledbackinaclip.ShewaswearingacoralbikinithatshowedoffeverycurveI’denjoyedthatmorning.
Waylay,inapinkpolka-dottedbathingsuit,doubledoverandscoopedtwohandsofcoldcreekwateratheraunt.
Naomi’sshriekandensuinglaughterassheattemptedtoexactrevengeonthekidhitmesomeplacebesidesmycock.Ifeltawarmthinmychestthathadnothingtodowiththedamngoodginandtonicinmyhand.
Amandaadjustedherstrawhatandsighed.“Thisisheaven,”shesaidtomygrandmother.
“YoumusthavehadadifferentBiblethantheoneIgrewupon,”Lizaquipped.
“Ialwaysdreamedofhavingabigfamilyinabighouse.Allthesegenerationsanddogsalltangledupineachother’slives.Iguesssometimeswe’rejustnotmeantforcertainthings.”Shesaiditwistfully.
Stefclearedhisthroat.“Ladies,canIfreshenupthoseLongIslandicedteas?”
Lizaheldupheremptyglass.“Icoulddoanotherround.”
“I’mstillworkingonmine,sweetie,”Amandatoldhim.
“Haveyoudecidedtoforgiveme?”Stefasked.
“Well,youdidsneakdownherewithoutaword,”shesaid,loweringhersunglassestogivehimwhatIidentifiedasaMomLook.“Butyouwerejustlookingoutformygirl.Anyonewhodoesthatisalwaysallrightinmybook.”
Stefdroppedakissontopofherhead.“Thanks,Mandy.”
NaomiandWaylaywerenowinafull-fledgedsplashbattle.Arcsofwaterrosehigh,catchingglintsofthelateafternoonsun.
“Howmuchtimeleftonthoseburgers,Lou?”Lizacalled.
“Fiveminutes,”hesaid.
“Knox,”Amandasaid,drawingmyattention.
“Yes,ma’am?”
“Takeawalkwithme,”shesaid.
Uh-oh.
StefflashedasmuglookatmeanddisappearedinsidewithLiza’sglass.
IfollowedAmandatotheendofthedeckanddownthestairsintotheyard.ItfeltlikeonlyyesterdaythatitwasNashandmeinthecreekfoolingaround,scaringthefish.Popmanningthegrill.
Sheslidherarmthroughmineaswewalked.
“You’veonlyknownNaomiforashorttime,”shebegan.
Ialreadydidn’tlikewherethiswasgoing.
“Sometimesyoudon’tneedahistorytoseethefuture,”Isaid,soundinglikeadamnfortunecookie.
Shesqueezedmyarm.“Imeant,inherentirelife,mydaughterhasneverjumpedintoanything,especiallybedwithsomeone.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosaytothatsoIkeptmymouthshut.
“She’saborncaretaker.Alwaysfussingovereveryoneelseintheroom.It’snosurprisetomethatshe’dstepuptokeepWaylayevenwhentherestofherlifeisspiralingoutofcontrol.Shegivesuntilshe’sgotnothingleft.”
Thiswasn’tnewstome.IfNaomiwasn’tslingingdrinkstocustomers,shewasdoingeveryoneelse’ssideworkinthekitchenorcleaningoutLiza’smausoleumofahouse.
“Youbroughtheracupofcoffeedoctoredupjustthewayshelikesit,”shecontinued.“Shealsotoldmethatyougotherthisplacetostayandgaveherajob.Youdriveherhome.Stefmentionedyougotheracellphonewhenshedidn’thaveone.”
Iwasgettingantsy.Iwasn’tknownformypatiencewithconversationswhenIdidn’tknowwheretheyweregoing.
“She’saworrierbutdoesn’twantanyoneworryingabouther,”Amandacontinued.
“Igetthat.”
“Youworryingabouther,youtakingcareofherwhenyouonlyjustmet,saysalotaboutyourcharacter.SodoesthefactNaomiletyouintoherbedwithouttheusualninety-nine-pointinspection.”
Iwasequalpartsuncomfortableandoddlypleased.
“Allduerespect,Amanda,Idon’tliketalkingaboutyourdaughter’ssexlifewithyou.”
“That’sbecauseyou’reaman,sweetie,”shesaid,pattingmyarm.“IjustwantyoutoknowthatIseehowyou’retakingcareofmygirl.Inalltheirtimetogether,IneveroncesawWarnerbringheracupofcoffee.Neveroncesawhimdoanythingthatbenefitedherunlessitbenefitedhimtoo.Sothankyouforthat.Thankyouforseeingmygirlandwantingtobethereforher.”
“You’rewelcome.”Itseemedliketheappropriateresponse.
“Outofcuriosity,whydoyoucallherDaisy?”sheasked.
“ShehadflowersinherhairwhenImether.”
Amanda’ssmilebroadened.“SheleftWarneranddrovestraighttoyouwithoutevenknowingit.Isn’tthatsomething?”
Ididn’tknowifitwassomethingornothing.“Yeah.Something.”
“Well,Ilikeyou,Knox.Louwillcomearound.Eventually.ButIlikeyoualready.”
“Dinner’sready,”LizaJbellowedfromthedeck.“Getyourbehindsaroundthetable.”
“I’mstarving,”Amandaannounced.“Whydon’tyougetourgirlsoutofthecreek?”
“Uh…sure.”
IstoodthereasNaomi’smothermadeabeelineforthehousesteps.
Naomi’slaughandanothersplashcaughtmyattention.
Iwalkedovertotheedgeofthecreekandwhistled.WaylayandNaomipausedtheirwaterfight,bothlaughinganddripping.
“Dinner’sready.Getyourassesoutofthewater,”Isaid.
“He’ssobossy,”Naomisaidinastagewhisper.Waylayletoutagirlishgiggle.
ItossedastarfishtoweloverWaylay’swethead.“Howwasyourfirstday,kid?”
“Fine,”shesaid,peeringquizzicallyoutfromunderthetowel.
Thekidwasafuckingrock.Abandonedbyano-goodmother.Takeninbyanauntshedidn’tknow.Thenmeetinghergrandparentsforthefirsttimeonthefirstdayofschool.Anditwasfine.
Sheturnedandranforthestairsandthepromiseoffood.
“Gowashyourhands,Way,”Naomicalledafterher.
“Why?Ijustgotoutofthewater!”Waylayyelledback.
“Thenatleastdon’tpetthedogsuntilafteryoueat!”
“Fine.That’sallshe’dtellmetoo,”NaomisaidasIhelpedherupontothebank.
“Youworried?”Iasked,unabletotearmygazeoffherbreasts.
“OfcourseIam.HowamIgoingtofixanyproblemsifIdon’tknowtheyexist?”
“Sotalktotheteacher,”Isaid,watchingtheoutlineofhernipplesgetmorepronouncedunderthetwotrianglesoffabricthatstoodbetweenmeandwhatIwanted.
“IthinkIwill,”shesaid.“How’sNashdoing?”
Insteadofanswering,Iclampedahandoverherwristandhauledherovertotheshadypatiounderthedeck.Herskinwascoldfromthecreek.Seeinghercurvesallwetlikethatwasmessingwithmyhead.
Ipickedupthefluffybeachtowelnexttoherneatlyfoldedclothingononeoftheloungechairsthathadn’tseenthelightofdayinyearsandhandedittoher.
“Thanks,”shesaid,bendingoverinfrontofmetorunthetowelthroughherhair.
Amanonlyhadsomuchself-control,andI’djustreachedmylimit.
Ipulledthetoweloutofherhandsandwalkedherbackwardsuntilherbackmetthesupportcolumn.
“Knox—”Ipressedafingertohermouththenpointedaboveus.
“Whowantsmediumrare?”Louasked
“Stef,thisdrinkain’tgonnarefillitself,”LizaJsaid.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Naomiwhispered.
Pinningherinplacewithmyhips,shegotthemessageprettydamnquick.WhenhermouthopenedinanO,Iyankedthetrianglesofhertopapart.
Full,luscious,wet.Mymouthwatered,andithadnothingtodowiththefoodbeingpassedaboveus.
“Jesus,Daze.Iseeyoulikethis,andIcan’twaittogetbackinyourbed.”
Idippedmyheadandclosedmymouthoveronechilledpeak.Hersexylittlegasp,thewayherhandsclampedonmyshoulders,thewaysheleanedintomymouthlikeshewanteditasbadasIdid.Itallwentstraighttomydick.
“I’dfuckyourighthereifIthoughtforasecondIcouldgetawaywithit.”
Shetookonehandoffmyshoulderandshoveditbetweenourbodies,cuppingmyerectionthroughmyjeans.Icoveredherhandwithmineandsqueezed.Hard.Ithrustagainstourhands,greedyforthefriction.
“Kids!Dinner,”Amandacalledfromaboveus.
“AuntNaomi,howmanygreenbeansdoIhaftaeat?”
TheglassinessinNaomi’seyescleared.“Oh.My.God,”shemouthedatme
Igavebothnipplesanot-so-gentletweakbeforereadjustinghertop.Iwantedtofuckherinthatbikini.Tountieoneortwoofthosestringsandguaranteealltherightaccess.ThenIwantedtotakehereverywaypossibleuntilneitheroneofuscouldwalk.Instead,Iwasgoingtohavedinnerwithahard-onandanaudience.
Sometimeslifejustwasn’tfuckingfair.
Shesluggedmeintheshoulder.“Whatiswrongwithyou?”shehissed.“Ourfamiliesarerightupthere!”
“Awholelotofthings,”Isaidwithagrin.
“You’retheworst.We’recoming!”sheyelled.
“Wewillbelater,”Ipromisedundermybreath.TWENTY-SIXPMSANDTHEBULLY
Naomi
IarrivedatHonkyTonkearlyformyshiftinmyDad’spristineFordExplorer.Abonustohavingmyparentsintown.AnotherbonuswasthefactthattheywerehavingamovienightsleepoverwithWaylayatLiza’s.
IwasunderorderstobuyacarASAP
Betweenmypokerwinningsandtheproceedsfromthesaleofmyhouse,Ifoundmyselfinaprettysolidfinancialpositionevenwiththeimpendingpurchaseofadecentcar.ThentherewasthequickieKnoxhadcoaxedmeintothatafternoonwhenhecameovertohelpmeputtogetherWaylay’snewdesk.
IwasfeelingprettydamngoodaboutlifewhenIstrolledintoHonkyTonk.“Hello,ladies,”IsaidtoFiandSilver.“You’relookinggorgeoustoday.
“You’reearlyandinagoodmood,”Finoted,slidingthecashdrawerintotheregister.“Ihatethataboutyou.”
Silverglancedmywayassheflippedthestoolsoffthebar.Shepaused.“She’sgotorgasmface.She’snotoneofus.”
Crap.ThelastthingKnoxorIneededwasourco-workersgossipingaboutourincrediblysatisfyingsexlife.
“Oh,comeon,”Iscoffed,hidingmyfacebehindacurtainofhairasItiedmyapron.“Agirlcanbeinagoodmoodwithouthavingorgasms.What’swiththechocolateandheatingpads?”
Nexttotheregisterwasaplateofbrownieswrappedwithpinkcellophane,aboxofstick-onheatingpads,andabottleofMidol.
“Knox’smonthlycarepackage,”Silversaid.“WhogaveyoutheOface?”
“Carepackageforwhat?”Iasked,ignoringthequestion.
“Allourcyclessyncedup.Stasia’stoo,”Fiexplained.“Everymonth,thebossputstogetheraperiodsurvivalkitandisnicetousforadayortwo.”
“That’sreallyniceofhim,”Isaid.
Fislappedthebar.“OhmygodyouhadsexwithKnox!”
“What?Me?Knox?”Ifeltmyfacegettinghot.“Whywouldyouthinkthat?CanIhaveabrownie?”
“She’sdefinitelydeflecting,”Silverdecided.
“Yeah,Nomi.Yourpokerfaceneedssomeseriouswork.Thisissofuckingexciting.Youknowhe’snevershaggedanemployeebefore.Man,Iknewthereweresparks!Didn’tItellyouthereweresparks?”FislappedSilverintheshoulder.
“Yeah.Sparks,”Silveragreed.“Soareyouguysathing?Orwasitaheat-of-the-moment,my-brother’s-just-been-shotkindathing?”
“OnascaleofMehtoMyVaginaisForeverRuined,howgoodwashe?”Fiasked.
ThiswasnotgoingthewayI’dplanned.Mygazeslidtothekitchendoorsandbacktotheexpectantfacesbeforeme.Newstraveledfastinthistown,andIdidnotwanttofeedthegossip.
“Youguys,Ireallydon’twanttotalkaboutthis.”
Theystoodtherestaringatme.Thentheylookedateachotherandnodded.
“Okay,here’showit’sgonnago,”Fisaid.“You’regoingtotelluseverything,andinexchange,wewon’ttellanyoneanything.”
“Orelsewhat?”Ihedged.
Silver’ssmilewaswicked.“Orelsewespendthewholeshiftwonderingoutloudwhoputthatsmileonyourfaceinfrontofallthecustomers.”
“You’reevil.”
“We’reevil.Butwecanbebought,”Firemindedme.
***
“Yourparentswalkedinonyourone-nightstand.Classic,”SilversaidtenminuteslaterwhenI’dfinishedverballyvomitingalloverthem.
“Andyourvaginaisofficiallyruined,”Fiadded.
“Andwearen’tinarelationship.Unlessyou’remyparentsoracaseworkerweighingmystabilityasaguardian,inwhichcasewe’vebeensweptawaybyanunexpectedromance.”
“Butyouarehavingsex,”Silverconfirmed.
“Temporarily,”Isaidwithemphasis.
Silverraisedapiercedeyebrow.Fistoppedgobblingdownherbrownie.
“Sayingitoutloudmakesitsoundstupid.Maybeweshouldfinishgettingreadytoopen?”
“Eh.I’mPMS-ing.I’drathereatanotherbrownieandtalkaboutpenislengthandorgasmintensity,”Fisaid.
Iwassavedfromrespondingbymyphonesignalingatext.
Sloane:MyblabbermouthniecetoldmesomethingIthinkyoushouldknow.
Me:What?Ismysidepartoutofstyle?
Sloane:Yes.Alsoshesaidtheteacher’sbeenprettyroughonWaythelasttwodays.
Me:Whatdoyoumean?
Sloane:ChloesaidMrs.FelchisbeingmeantoWaylay.Yellingatherinfrontoftherestoftheclass.Making“weird”commentsabouthermom.ChloeandNinagotintroublefordefendingher.
Me:Thanksforlettingmeknow.
Sloane:You’regoingtogomamaliononanelementaryschoolteacher,aren’tyou?
Ipocketedmyphone.“Ihatetodothistoyouguys,butIneedtogotoWaylay’sschool.”
“IsWayintrouble?”Fiasked.
“No,butMrs.Felchisabouttobe.MindcoveringformeuntilIgetback?”
Silverlookedupfromtheheatingpadshewastapingtoherstomach.“I’llcoverforyouifyoubringmebackoneofthosepretzelswithcarameldipfromtheplacenexttotheschool.”
Fi’seyeslitup.“Ooooh!Bringtwo!”
“Bettermakeitthree,”Silveramended.“Maxiscominginatfourthirtyandshe’sonDayTwooftheRedTide.”
“Threepretzelswithcarameldip.Gotit,”Isaid,untyingmyapronandgrabbingmypurse.“Yousureyoudon’tmindcoveringforme?”
Fiwavedawaymyconcern.“It’salwaysslowthefirsthourortwoafteropening.AndKnoxwon’tbeherewithallusgalsinthemiddleofSharkWeek.”
“SharkWeek?”
ShepointedattheMidolandbrownies.
“Oh,right.ThatSharkWeek.Thankyouforcovering!”Iblewthemkissesandheadedforthedoor.
Theschoolwaslessthantwoblocksaway,soIhoofedit.Itgavemethetimetoworkupagoodheadofsteam.Iwassickandtiredofpeoplethinkingtheycouldjudgesomeonebytheirfamily’sbehavior.I’dlivedintheshadowofTina’smisdeedsmyentirelifeandIhatedthatWaylaywasfacingthesamekindofproblem.
Shewasjustakid.Sheshouldbehavingsleepovers,playinggames,sneakingjunkfood.Notdealingwiththefalloutofhermother’sreputation.
Worseyet,shehadn’ttrustedmeenoughtotellmeshewashavingproblemswithherteacher.HowcouldIfixaproblemifIdidn’tknowitexisted?
KnockemoutElementarySchoolwasasquatbrickbuildinginthemiddleoftown.Therewasthestandardwood-chippedplaygroundtotherightandthelongdriveoutfrontwherebusesloadedandunloadedeveryday.
Theschooldayhadalreadywrappedup,butIhopedIcouldcatchMrs.Felchinthebuilding.
Thefrontdoorswereallstillproppedopenfromthemassexodusofstudents,soIheadedinside.Itsmelledlikefloorpolishanddisinfectant.Itwasonlythefirstweekofschool,butthebulletinboardsoutsidethesixth-gradeclassroomswerealreadyfullofartwork.ExceptforRoom303.TheboardwasemptyexceptforacalendarwithacountdownonitandapieceofpaperwiththenameMrs.Felch.
Ihadn’tmetheratBacktoSchoolNight.She’dbeenoutsick,andI’dspentmostofthehourgentlyremindingparentsandschoolstaffthatIwasn’tmysister.Ikickedmyselffornotmakingmoreofanefforttomeetherbeforeleavingherinchargeofmyniece.
Ispiedawomansittingbehindthedeskatthefrontoftheclassroom.Bestguessputherinherearlyfifties.Hersilver-streakedhairwaspulledbackinabunsotightIbetshegotheadachesfromit.Shewasdressedinhead-to-toeshadesofbeige,andherlipswerepursedinathinlineasshescrolledthroughsomethingonherphone.Shegaveofftheairofsomeonewhowasdisappointedinjustabouteverythinglifehadtooffer.
Igaveacursoryknockandwalkedintotheroom.“Mrs.Felch,youdon’tknowme,but—”
Thewomanlookedupandbobbledherphone,eyesnarrowingbehindherglasses.“Don’tplaygameswithme.Iknowwhoyouare.”
Goodlord.Hadn’tthedanggrapevinecaughtuptotheteachingstaffyet?
“I’mnotTina.I’mNaomiWitt.Myniece,Waylay,isinyourclass,andI’dliketotalktoyouabouthowyou’vebeentreatingher.”
I’dneverbeengoodatconfrontations.Hell,I’dsqueezedmyassoutofachurchbasementwindowtorunawayfromaweddingratherthantellthegroomIwasn’tgoingtomarryhim.
Butinthatmoment,Ifeltafireburninginmybelly.Backingdownwasn’tanoption.Neitherwasretreat.
“HowI’vebeentreatingher?I’vebeentreatingherthewayshedeservestobetreated,”Mrs.Felchsnarled.Thelinesonherfacecarveddeeper.“Itreatherthewaythedaughterofawhoredeservestobetreated.”
“Excuseme?”
“Youheardme.”
Amovementoutofthecornerofmyeyecaughtmyattention,andIrealizedthatIhadamuchbiggerproblemthanahorriblesixth-gradeteacher.TWENTY-SEVENFIELDMICEREVENGE
Knox
IwalkedintoHonkyTonkthroughthekitchen,twirlingmykeysaroundmyfingerandwhistling.
“Someone’sinagoodmood,”Milford,thelinecook,observed.
IwonderedexactlyhowbigofadickIusuallywasthatmademygoodmoodbreakingnews,thendecidedIdidn’treallygiveashit.
Makingsuretoschoolmyexpressionintomynormalscowl,Iheadedintothebar.Therewereaboutahalfdozenearlybirdsscatteredaroundtheplace.MaxandSilverwereeatingbrowniesbehindthebarandclutchingtheirmid-sections.
Ficameoutofthebathroomwithherhandsonherlowback.“God.WhydoIhavetopee147timesadaywhenI’mridingthecottonpony?”Shegroanedwhenshespottedme.“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?It’sPeriodNight.”
“Iowntheplace,”Iremindedher,scanningthebar.
“Yeah.Andyou’realsosmartenoughnottoshowupwhenyouhavethreemenstruatingwomenonshift.”
“Where’sNaomi?”Iasked.
“Don’tyoutakethattonewithmetoday,Knoxy.Iwillbreakyourface.”
Ihadtakennotonewithher,butIknewbetterthantopointthatout.“Ibroughtyoubrownies.”
“Youbroughtusbrowniessowedon’tcryinthekitchen.”
Shehadapoint.Fiknewmysecret.Tearsweremykryptonite.Icouldn’thandleawomancrying.Itmademefeeldesperateandhelplessandpissedoff.
“Where’sNaomi?”Iaskedagain,tryingtomodulatemytone.
“I’mfine,Knox.Thanksforasking.EventhoughIfeellikemyuterusisbeingcrumpledupinsidemybodysoitcanbeexpelledthroughmyLadyCanal,I’mthrilledtobeworkingtonight.”
Iopenedmymouthtoretort,butsheheldupafinger.“Uh-uh.Iwouldn’tdothat,”sheadvised.
IshutmymouthandtaggedSilveratthebar.“Where’sNaomi?”
Herexpressionstayedcarefullyblank,buthereyesskatedtoFi,whowasmakinganexaggeratedslashingmotionacrossherthroat.
“Seriously?”Iasked.
Mybusinessmanagerrolledhereyes.“Fine.Naomiwashere,buttherewassometroublewithWaylay’steacher.Shewenttotakecareofitandaskedustocoverforher.”
“She’sbringinguspretzelsafterward,”Maxsaidaroundthebrowniesheheldbetweenherteethassheshuffledbywithtwofreshbeers.Iwasprettysurethatwasahealthviolationbutwassmartenoughnottomentionit.
Ieyedthewomenbeforeme.“YouthoughtI’dbepissedthatshewenttotakecareofsomethingattheschool?”
Fismirked.“No.Butit’saslowday.Thoughtitwouldbemorefunthisway.”
Iclosedmyeyesandstartedtocounttoten.“Whyhaven’tIfiredyouyet?”
“BecauseI’mamazing!”shesang,spreadingherarmswide.Sheflinchedandclutchedherstomach.“Fuckingperiods.”
“Amen,”Silveragreed.
“Strapononeofthosedamnheatpadthingsandtaketurnsgettingoffyourfeet,”Iadvised.
“Lookwho’sMr.Menstruation,”Fisaid.
“WorkingwiththeSynchedSistershaseducatedmeinwaysIneverwantedtobe.Who’stheteacher?”
“Whatteacher?”Maxaskedassheblewpastusagainwithacoupleofempties.Thebrowniewasnowgone.Ihopedithadn’tfallenintooneofthebeers
“Waylay’steacher,”Isaidinexasperation.“Didshesaywhattheproblemwas?”
“Isthereareasonyou’resointerested?”Fiasked,lookingtoodamnsmugformyliking.
“Yeah.I’mpayinghertobehere,andshe’snothere.”
“Yourtoneisaggressive,andIdon’treactwelltoaggressiveduringmyLadyBusiness,”Silverwarned.
ThiswaswhyIdidn’tcomenearHonkyTonkduringCodeRed,whichishowIlabeleditinmycalendar.
“Mrs.Felch,”Maxcalledfromthecornertwo-topshe’dcommandeered.Shewassittingononechairwithherfeetproppedonthesecondandadampbartoweldrapedoverherforeheadandeyes.
“I’mpersonallynotafanofMrs.Felch.Oneofmykidshadher.ShegavehomeworkoverChristmas,”Firecalled
“Fuck.”
FiandSilverturnedtolookatme.Maxpeekedoutfromunderhercoldcompress.
“Mrs.Felchismarried,”Isaid.
“ThatisusuallywhatMrs.means,”Silversaid,patronizingme.
“Mrs.FelchismarriedtoMr.FelchNolanFelch.”
Figotitfirst.“Oooooh,shit.That’snotgood.”
“Wait,didn’tTina—”
“Yeah.Shedid.Igottago.Trynottoscareoffallthepatrons.”
Fiscoffed.“They’rehereforthefreeBloodyMaryshotswegiveoutduringCrappyHour.”
“Whatever.Later.”Headingfortheparkinglot,IvowednevertocomebacktoHonkyTonkduringaCodeRed.
ImadeitalmosttomytruckwhenLiza’sBuickrolledup.ButitwasNaomi’sdad,worrylinescarvedintohisforehead,behindthewheelinsteadofmygrandmother.Amandawasinthepassengerseat,lookingagitated.
“Everythingallright?”Iasked,readingthemood.
“Waylayismissing,”Amandaannounced,ahandclutchedtoherheart.“ShewalkedtothecottagetogetherschoolworktogetherandwassupposedtocomestraightbacktoLiza’s.Weweregoingtohavedinner-and-a-movienight.”
“Shedidn’tcomeback,andherbike’sgone,”Lousaidgruffly.“We’rehopingNaomihadseenher.”
Isworeundermybreath.“Naomi’snothere.TherewassometroubleattheschoolwithWay’steacher,andshewenttohandleit.”
“Maybethat’swhereWaylaywent,”Amandasaid,clutchingherhusband’sarm.
“That’swhereI’mheadednow,”Isaidgrimly.
“You’repartofaparent-teacherconference?”Louscoffed.
“No,butI’msureashellgonnahaveyourdaughter’sbackwhenshewalksintoanambush.”
***
IignoredthespeedlimitandstopsignsontheshortdrivetotheelementaryschoolandnoticedLoudidthesamebehindme.Wepulledintoadjacentparkingspacesandstormedthefrontdoors,aunitedfront.
Ihadn’tsteppedfootintheschoolsinceIwasastudenthere.Itlookedasthoughnotmuchhadchanged.
“Howdoweknowwheretogo?”Amandawonderedwhenwewalkedinthroughthefrontdoors.
Iheardraisedvoicescomingfromoneofthehallways.
“Mymoney’sonthatway,”Isaid.
“Yoursisterruinedmylife!”
Ididn’twaitfortheWitts.Iheadedtowardtheshoutingatadeadrun.ImadeittotheopendoorjustintimetoseeaseethingMrs.FelchfistingherhandsathersidesassheleanedintoNaomi’spersonalspace.
Istalkedintotheroom,butneitherwomanpaidmeanyattention.
“Fromwhatyou’vetoldme,yourhusbandruinedyourmarriage.Aninnocenteleven-year-oldcertainlyisn’ttoblame,”Naomisaid,handsonhips,notgivingthewomananinch.
Shewaswearinganotherflirtydenimskirt.Thisonehadadistressedhemwiththreadsthatskimmedherthighs.Ibothlovedthewayitlookedonherandhatedthefactthatshewaswearingittoservebeertomenwhoweren’tme.
“She’sgothermother’sblood,doesn’tshe?There’snothinginnocentaboutanyofyou,”Mrs.Felchhissed,pointinganaccusingfingerinNaomi’sface.
MyplansforNaomiandhertightlittleskirtwouldhavetowait.
“Bullshit.”
Myannouncementhadbothwomenwhirlingaroundtofaceme.
Mrs.Felch’seyesgotbigbehindherglasses.IwasascaryfuckingguywhenIwantedtobe,andrightnow,Iwantedtobedownrightterrifying.Itooktwostepsforward,andshebackedintoherdesklikeacorneredratinbifocals.
“Knox,”Naomisaidthroughclenchedteeth.“I’msogladyou’rehere.”Shewastiltingherheadandsubtlypointingtowardthefloatingwallthatcreatedacoatroomjustinsidethedoorway.
Iglancedinthedirectionandcaughtaglimpseofblondeandbluehair.Waylay,holdingajarofGodknowswhat,gavemeanembarrassedfinger-wiggleofawavefromherbellyonthefloor.
“Forfuck’ssake,”Imuttered.
“There’snoneedforlanguage,”Mrs.Felchbarked.
“Thefuckthereisn’t,”Icountered,anglingmyselftoblockpartoftheopeningtothecoatroom.“AndIthinkWaylay’sgrandparentswillagree.”
IjerkedmyheadtowardLouwho,untilthatpoint,hadbeenholdingAmandabackwithagoodgriponhersummersweater.
“Seemswe’vegotourselvesafamilyconference,”Isaid,crossingmyarmsovermychest.
“Judgingfromhowyourdaughterturnedout,don’tthinkforasecondthatI’mfallingforthisshowoffamilialsupport,”Mrs.Felchsniffed.“WaylayWittisajuveniledelinquent,andhermotherisahome-wrecking,pill-poppingboilonthebottomofsociety.”
“Thoughtyousaidthere’snoneedforlanguage.”
“Craponacracker,”Amandawhispered,andIguessedshe’djustspottedhergranddaughter’shidingplace.
“Huh?”Louwasalittleslowerontheuptakeuntilhiswifepointedoutthesituation.“Ah,hell,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.Hesteppeduptostandshoulder-to-shoulderwithme.Amandamovedtohisright.Together,wecreatedawallbetweenWaylayandhershittyteacher.
Naomilookedrelieved,thenturnedbacktofacethekraken.“Mrs.Felch,”shesnapped,bringingthewoman’sattentionbacktoher.
IsnappedmyfingersatWaylayandpointedtothedoor.Shestartedtobelly-crawlherwaytowardthedoor.
Naomiwavedherarmsandpacedtowardtheoppositesideoftheclassroomlikeshewasthrowingafit.“Ihaveempathyforyoursituation.Ireallydo.Youcertainlydidn’tdeservewhatyourhusbandandmysisterdidtoyou.However,youareresponsiblefornotjustteachingthesestudentsbutformakingthemfeelsafeinyourclassroom.AndIhaveitongoodauthoritythatyouarefailinginspectacularfashionwhenitcomestothatduty.”
Waylay’ssneakersdisappearedintothehallway.
“Tinatookmyhusbandintoherbedand—”
“Enough.”Ibitouttheword,andthewoman’sliptrembled.
“Yeah.Whathesaid,”Amandaagreed,backingtowardthedoor.“Oh,dear!Ijustremembered.Ileftmypurseinthehallway.”Shehustledoutthedoor…holdingherpurse.
Naomireturnedtostandinfrontofme.“I’llgiveyoutheweekendtodecidewhetheryou’regoingtomodifyyourbehaviorsothatallyourstudents,includingmyniece,feelsafeinyourclassroom.Ifyourefuse,thenI’llnotonlyhaveWaylayremovedfromyourclass,I’llgototheschoolboardandIwillraisehell.”
Ireachedanarmaroundherchestandpulledherbacktomyfront.NaomitheSpitfirecouldbejustalittleterrifyingwhenshewasn’tscreamingherfrustrationsintoapillow.
“She’lldoittoo,”Loucutinproudly.“Shewon’tstopuntilyou’reoutoftheclassroom.Andtherestofuswillbetheretobackherupeverystepoftheway.”
“Itwasn’tsupposedtobelikethis,”Mrs.Felchwhispered.Shesankwearilyintothedeskchair.“Weweresupposedtoretiretogether.WeweregoingtodrivetheRVcross-country.NowIcan’tevenlookathim.Theonlyreasonhestayedisbecauseshedroppedhimasquickasshepickedhimup.”
Iguesseditcouldn’tbeeasyforLoutohearthisaboutoneofhisdaughters.Butthemanhiditwell.
IfeltNaomi’sangerdrainoutofher.
“Youdidn’tdeservewhathappenedtoyou,”Naomisaidagain,hervoicesofternow.“ButneitherdoesWaylay.AndI’mnotgoingtoletanyonemakeherfeellikeshe’sresponsibleforthedecisionsadultsmake.YouandWaylaybothdeservebetterthanthehandsyouweredealt.”
Mrs.Felchflinched,thensaggedbackinherchair.
IgaveNaomianapprovingsqueeze.
“We’llleaveyoutoyourweekend,”shesaid.“Feelfreetoemailmeyourdecision.Otherwise,I’llseeyouMondaymorning.”
***
“WaylayReginaWitt!”
ApparentlyNaomiwasn’tdoneyellingwhenwereturnedtotheparkinglot,whereAmandaandWaylaystoodnexttomygrandmother’scar.
“Now,Naomi,”Amandabegan.
“Don’tyou‘now,Naomi’me,Mom.SomeoneunderfivefeetwithbluestreaksinherhairhadbetterstartexplainingwhyIcamedowntodiscussasituationwithherteacheronlytofindmyniecehidinginthecoatroomwithajarofmice!You’resupposedtobeatLiza’swithyourgrandparents.”
Waylaylookedatthetoesofhersneakers.TheywerethepinkonesI’dboughther.She’daddedaheartcharmtothelaces.Thereweretwomicenestledonacushionofdriedgrassinthejaratherfeet.
“Mrs.Felchwasbein’apaininthea—”
“Donotfinishthatsentence,”Naomisaid.“You’realreadyintrouble.”
Waylay’sfacewentmutinous.“Ididn’tdoanythingwrong.Ishoweduptoschoolonthefirstday,andshewasmeantome.Likereallymean.SheyelledatmeinfrontofeveryoneinthecafeteriawhenIspilledmychocolatemilk.Shetookrecesstimeawayfromeveryoneandsaiditwasmyfaultfornotrespectingwhatbelongedtootherpeople.Then,whenshewashandingoutpapersaboutsomedumbbakesaletotakehometoourparents,shesaidIdidn’tneedonesincemymomwastoobusyinthebedroomtofindthekitchen.”
Naomilookedlikeshewasabouttohaveananeurysm.“Getittogether,”Iwarnedher,tuckingherbehindmyback
IputmyhandonWaylay’sshoulderandsqueezed.
“Look,kid.Ithinkweallgetthatyou’renotusedtohavin’anadultaroundwhohasyourback.Butyouneedtogetusedtoit.Naomi’snotgoin’anywhere.You’vegotyourgrandparentstoo.Andyou’vegotmeandLizaJandNash.Butyouscaredtheshitoutofallofusrunningofflikethat.”
Shescuffedherfootontheasphalt.“Sorry,”shesaidsullenly.
“WhatI’msayin’isyouhavealotofpeopleinyourcornernow.Youdon’tneedtogoitalone.AndyourAuntNaomicandoahellofalotmorethanleavesomemiceinateacher’sdeskdrawer.”
“Iwasalsogonnagivehercomputeravirus.Oneofthoseannoyingonesthataddsextralettersandnumberswhenyou’retyping,”shesaid,hercheekspinkwithindignation.
Ihidmygrinbybitingtheinsideofmycheek.“Okay.That’sprettygood,”Iadmitted.“Butit’snotalong-termsolution.Yourteacherisaproblemthatyoucan’tsolveonyourown.Youneedtotellyourauntthisshitsoshecandealwithitlikeshejustdidinthere.”
“Mrs.Felchlookedscared,”Waylaysaid,chancingaglancebehindmeatNaomi.
“Yourauntcanberealscarywhenshestopstakingherscreamingintopillows.”
“AmIintrouble?”Waylayasked.
“Yes,”Naomisaidfirmly.
JustasAmandainsisted,“Ofcoursenot,sweetheart.”
“Mom!”
“What?”Amandaasked,wide-eyed.“She’sbeenthroughatraumaticfewdaysatschool,Naomi.”
“Yourmotherisright,”Lousaid.“Weshouldcallanemergencyappointmentwiththeprincipalandthesuperintendent.Maybetheycanconveneaspecialschoolboardmeetingtonight.”
“Thisissoembarrassing,”Waylaygroaned.
Ididn’tknowwhatthehellIwasdoingwadingintoafamilydisagreement,butIdidanyway.“Whydon’tweletMrs.Felchstewfortheweekend?Naomialreadylaiditoutforherrealclear.We’lldealwithwhateverneedsdealtwithMondaymorning,”Isaid.
“Whyareyouevenhere?”Loudemanded,turninghisangeronme.
“Dad!”ItlookedlikeitwasNaomi’sturntobeembarrassedasshesteppedtomyside.
“Waylay,goletthemiceoutoverthereonthetreeline,”Iordered.
SheshotmeawarylookbeforescamperingofftowardtheskinnystripofwoodsbetweentheschoolandKnockemoutPretzels.IwaiteduntilshewasoutofearshotbeforeturningbacktoLou.
“I’mherebecauseNaomiwaswalkingintoasituationshedidn’tknowanythingabout.Felchhashadahard-onforTinaeversinceherhusbandbangedTinathissummer.Thewholetownwastalkingaboutit.Now,onceagain,Naomi’scleaningupamessthatTinaleftbehind.SomethingIgetthefeelingshe’sspentherwholelifedoing.Somaybeyoucancuthersomeslackor,betteryet,helpheroutwiththeclean-upthistimearound.”
Loulookedlikehewantedtotakeashotatme,butIsawmywordshadlandedwithAmanda.Sheputherhandonherhusband’sarm.“Knoxisright,Lou.Ussecond-guessingNaomiisn’thelpinganyone.”
Naomitookabreathandblewitoutslowly.Iranmyhandupherback,thendownagain.
“Ineedtogetbacktowork,”shesaid.“I’vealreadymissedanhourofmyshift.WillyoutwopleasetakeWaylayhomeandtrytokeepherfromrunningoffagain?”
“Ofcourse,sweetheart.Andnowthatweknowthatshe’ssneaky,we’llkeepacloserwatchonher.”
“I’lltakethefronttireoffherbike,”Loudecided.
“Ineedtoskipaheadtothechapterondisciplineinmylibrarybook,”Naomidecided.“Damnit!Ihatereadingoutofchronologicalorder.”
“Judith’sdaughterchangestheWi-Fipasswordonherkidsanddoesn’tchangeitbackuntilthey’reungrounded,”Amandasuggestedhelpfully.
Waylayreturnedwithanowemptyjar,andIfeltNaomitakeanotherdeepbreath.
“Mrs.Felchisinwaymoretroublethanyouare,Waylay.ButKnoxisright.Youhavetocometomewiththisstuff.Don’ttellmeeverything’sfinewhenit’snotfine.I’mheretohelp.Youcan’tbesneakingoutandexactingrevengeoneveryonewhowrongsyou.Especiallynotwithinnocentlittlefieldmice.”
“IbroughtfoodandIwasgoingtoputwaterinthedrawerwiththem,”Waylayexplained.
“We’lltalkaboutthisinthemorning,”Naomisaid.“Yourgrandparentsaregoingtotakeyouhome.It’suptothemwhetheryouhavetoscrubfloorsorifyoustillgettowatchmoviestonight.”
“It’lldefinitelybemovies,”Louwhispered.
“Butyouhavetodoallthedinnerdishes,”Amandaadded.
“I’msorryforworryingyou,”Waylaysaidquietly.SheliftedhereyestolookatNaomi.“AndI’msorryfornottellingyou.”
“Apologyaccepted,”Naomisaid.Sheswoopeddownandgavethegirlaquickhug.“Now,Ihavetogetbacktowork.”
“I’lldriveyou,”Ivolunteered.
“Thankyou.I’llseeeveryoneinthemorning,”shesaidwearily.
Therewasachorusofgood-byes,andNaomiheadedforthetruck.
Iwaiteduntilsheopenedthepassengerdoor,theninterruptedAmanda,whowasmakingplanstostopforicecreamontheirwayhome.“CanyoutwodomeafavorandswingbyHonkyTonktopickupyourExplorer?I’lldriveNaomihometonight.”
Ihadplansforher.TWENTY-EIGHTTHIRDBASE
Knox
“Sheranawayfromhome,”Naomisaid,staringoutthewindowandclutchingthebagofwarmpretzelsinherlap.
“Shedidn’trunaway.Shesnuckout,”Iargued.
“Eitherway,howdoesthatmakemelookasaguardian?Iletaneleven-year-oldwalkintotownwithajarofmiceandacomputervirus.”
“Daze,youneedtostopgettin’yourselfsoworkedupoverthiscustodything.DoyoureallythinkanyjudgeintheirrightmindisgoingtodecideWayisbetteroffwithhermom?”
Sheturnedflashingeyesonme.“Howaboutwhenyourlifechoicesareunderamicroscopebythelegalsystem,youcandecidenottogetworkedup?”
Ishookmyheadandturnedontoatrailbarelywideenoughformytruck.
“Thisisn’twork,”sheobserved.
“Notgoin’backtoworkyet,”Itoldheraswebumpedalongtheruttedtrack.
“Ineedtogetback.IhaveashiftthatIshouldhavealreadybeenworking,”sheinsisted.
“Baby,youneedtostopobsessingaboutthethingsyoushouldbedoingandmakesometimefortheshityouwannado.”
“Iwanttogetbacktowork.Idon’thavetimeforyoutomurdermeinthewoodstoday.”
Thetreesparted,andafieldoftallgrassopenedupbeforeus.
“Knox,whatareyoudoing?”
“Ijustwatchedyoustanduptothatbullywhowastryingtotakehershitoutonakid,”Ibegan.
“Somepeopledon’tknowwhattodowiththeirpain,”Naomisaid,lookingoutthewindowagain.“Sotheytakeitoutonwhoeverisnearby.”
“Yeah,well,Ilikedwatchingyouinthatexcuseforaskirtstandinguptoabully.”
“Soyoukidnappedme?”sheasked.“Wherearewe?”
Ibroughtthetrucktoastopalongthetreelineandshutofftheengine.“ThirdBase.Least,that’swhatitwascalledwhenIwasinhighschool.Weusedtosneakbeersandholdbonfiresouthere.Halfofmyclasslosttheirvirginityinthisfield.”
Ahintofasmileplayedonherlips.“Didyou?”
Islidmyarmaroundthebackofherseat.“Nah.LostmineinLauraBeyler’sbarn.”
“KnoxMorgan,didyoubringmeoutheretoneckwhenI’msupposedtobeatwork?”
Shesoundedadorablyappalled.
“Oh,Iplanondoingmorethannecking,”Isaid,leaningovertoreleaseherseatbelt.Taskaccomplished,Ipluckedthepretzelsoffherlapandthrewthebagintothebackseat.
“Youcan’tbeserious.Ihavework.”
“Baby,Idon’tjokeaboutsex.Besides,youworkforme.”
“Yeah.Inyourbar,whichisfullofPMS-ingwomenwaitingfortheirpretzels.”
Ishookmyhead.“Everyoneintownknowsit’saCodeRed.It’llbeaslownight.”
“Iamreallyuncomfortablewiththeideaofanentiretowntrackingitswomen’smenstrualcycles.”
“Hey,we’renormalizingperiodshit,”Iargued.“Now,getyoursexyassoverhere.”
GoodGirlNaomiwaswarringwithBadGirlNaomi,butIcouldtellwhichonewasgoingtowinbythewayshewasbitingherlip.
“BetweenthatskirtandthewayyoustoodupforWay,IbarelymanagedtokeepmyhandsoffyouinfrontofWayandyourparents,anditalmostkilledme.We’reluckyIgotushere,drivingwithmydicksohardthere’snobloodleftformybrain.”
“Areyousayingyou’returnedonbymeyellingatpeople?”
“Daze,thesooneryoustoptalking,thesoonerIcandragyouacrossthisconsoleandmakeyouforgetallaboutworkandshittyteachers.”
Shestaredatmethroughheavylidsforabeat.“Okay.”
Ididn’tgiveherachancetoreconsider.Ihookedherunderthearmsandpulledherintomylapsoshewasstraddlingmythighs,herdenimskirtbunchedhigharoundherwaist.
“DidImentionhowmuchIlovetheseskirts?”Iaskedbeforecrushingmymouthtohers.
Shepulledawayfromme.“Actuallyyousaidyouhatedthem.Remember?”
Igrittedmyteethasshegrinnedevillyandgrounddownonmycockthroughmyjeans.“Ilied.”
“Thisisveryirresponsibleofus,”shesaid.
IyankedthenecklineofherHonkyTonktankdown,takingherbrawithitsoherbaretitswereinmyface.Hernippleswerealreadybeggingformymouth.Iftherehadbeenanounceofbloodleftinmybrain,itheadedsouthatthatview.
“It’smoreirresponsibletomakemewatchyouworkyourwholeshiftinthatfuckingskirtwithoutgettingyouofffirst.”
“IknowIshouldbeoffendedwhenyoutalklikethat,but—”
Ileanedinandtookoneperky,pinknipplebetweenmylips.Ididn’tneedhertofinishthesentence.Throughmyjeans,Icouldalreadyfeelhowwetshewasforme.Iknewwhatmywordsdidtoher.Anditwasnothingcomparedtowhattherestofmewascapableof.
SheshudderedagainstmeonceasIbegantosuck,andthenherfingerswereatmybelt.
Ishiftedmyhipstogiveherbetteraccess,andthehornsounded.
Shegasped.“Oops!Sorry.Thatwasmybutt.Imean,mybutthittingyourhorn.Notlikemybutt.”
Ifoundmyselfgrinningagainstherbreast.Thewomanwasentertainingonmorethanjustthemostobviouslevels.
Betweenthetwoofus,wemanagedtoslidemyjeansdowntomid-thighfreeingmythrobbingcockandonlysettingoffthehornoncemore.Ididn’twanttowait.Ineededtobeinsideherandjudgingfromthebreathylittlemoansthatwereclawingtheirwayoutofherthroat,Naomiwaswithme.IliftedherwithanarmaroundherhipsandusedmyotherhandtoguidetheheadofmydickrightwhereIneededittobe,nestledagainstthattight,wetwonderland.
Mytight,wetwonderland.
Naomibelongedtome.Fornowatleast.Andthatwasenough.
Withbothhandsatherhips,IyankedherdownasIthrustup,sheathingmyselfinsideher.
Shescreamedmyname,andIhadtorunthroughmyemergencymentalgymnasticstokeepfromcomingrightthenandthere.Herquiveringpussyhadeveryinchofmycockinastranglehold.
Iheldherthere,impaledonme,asmymouthrediscoveredherperfectbreast.IsworeIcouldfeeltheechoofeachhardsuckinthewallsthatheldmecaptive.
Itfeltlikeheaven.Itfelt—
“Fuck,baby,”Isaid,releasingherbreast.“Fuck.Condom.”
Sheletoutalowmoan.“Knox,ifyoumoveamuscle,I’mgoingtocome.AndifIcome—”
“You’regonnamilkminerightoutofme,”Isurmised.
Hereyesweresqueezedshut,lipsparted.Thepictureofecstasyinthelateafternoonsun.
Iwasn’tsometeenagekid.Ididn’tforgetprotection.Hell,notonlydidIhaveacondominmywalletlikeanyresponsibleman,Ialsohadahandfulinmyglovebox.
“Youever—”
SheshookherheadbeforeIcouldgettherestofthequestionout.“Never.”
“Meeither.”Ighostedmyfingersoverandaroundherbreasts.
Sheopenedhereyesthenandbitherlip.“Thisfeelstoogood.”
“Idon’twantyoudoinganythingyoudon’twanttodo,”Iwarned.
ButIwantedthis.Iwantedtofinishbare.Iwantedtoletlooseinsideherandfeelourreleasesmix.Iwantedtobethefirstmantogothere.Toplantmyflaginhermemoryasthefirstofsomethingmemorable.
“I-I’monbirthcontrol,”shesaidtentatively.
Iletmytonguedartouttoteaseherothernipple.“I’mclean,”Imurmured.“Icanshowyou.”
Naomiwasadatakindofgirl.Ifshewantedapeekatmymedicalrecord,Ihadnoproblem.EspeciallyifitmeantIgottomoveinher,feelherridemeuntilshecamewithnothingbetweenus
“Okay,”shesaidagain.
Itwasbetterthanwinningthefuckinglottery,thatfeelingthatlitupmychest.Theknowledgethatshetrustedmetotakecareofher.
“Yousure?”Ipressed.
Hereyeswereopenandlockedonmine.“Knox,itfeelstoogood.Idon’twannaplayitsafe.Notthistime.Ifeellikebeingrecklessand…whatever.Justmove,please!”
I’dmakeitthebestsheeverhad.
Islidmyhandsbehindandunderher,cuppingthecurvesofherass.
Testingusboth,Iheldherup,pullingoutjustaninch.
Webothgroaned,andherforeheadmetmine.Movinginsideherwithnothingbetweenusfeltbetterthangood.Itfeltright
Whenshequiveredaroundme,Ihadenoughfuckingrhapsodizing.Itwastimetotake.
“Youbetterhangon,baby,”Iwarned.MyheartwasalreadypoundinglikeI’dracedupahalfdozenflightsofstairs.
Iwaiteduntilshegrippedthebackofmyseat.“Thisiswhat’sgonnahappen,Naomi.I’mgonnastartmoving,andyou’regonnacomeasfastandashardasyoucan.ThenI’mgonnatakemytimedrivingyouupagain,andwhenyougooffthatsecondtime,I’llberighttherewithyou.”
“Goodplan.Veryorganized.Measurablegoals,”shesaid,andthenshewaskissingtheairrightoutofmylungs.Iwithdrewanotherinchortwoandcapturedhermoanwithmymouth.
“Holdon,”Iremindedher,andthenIwasyankingherbackdownasIrammedmyhipsup.
IttookeverythingIhadnottoletgoanddriveintoheragainandagain.“Jesus,Naomi,”Ibreathedasherpussyflutteredaroundmyshaft.
“ItoldyouI’mclose,”shesaid,soundingannoyedandembarrassed.
“Everythingyoudomakesmewantmore,”Igrowled.Beforeshecouldreacttomystupid-assconfession,Iburiedmyfaceinherotherbreastandstartedtomove.Slowly,purposefully.Eventhoughitcostme.
Onmythirdthrust,shecamelikealightningstrike,settingoffthehornlikeavictorycry.Astherestofherbodytensed,herwallsrippledaroundmydickinthesweetestkindoftorture.Ialmostwentcross-eyedtryingtokeepmyreleaseinmyballswhereitchurned.
I’dneverhadawomanlikeher.Neverfeltanythinglikethisbefore.AndifIstoppedlongenoughtothinkaboutit,I’drecognizethatasaredflag.Butinthemoment,Ididn’tfuckingcare.IcouldignoreitaslongasNaomiWittwasridingmycock.
“That’smygirl,”Igroanedasshegrippedandreleasedmetoarhythmmorebeautifulthanmusic.
“OhmyGod.OhmyGod,”shechanteduntilherbodyfinallywentlimpontopofme.
Iwentstillinsideherandgatheredherclose.Icouldfeelherheartpoundingagainstmyown.Thenshepokedmeintheshoulder.
“Youpromisedmeanotherone,”shesaid,thewordsmuffledagainstmyneck.
“Baby,I’mtryingtohangonheretodeliver.”
Sheliftedherheadtopeeratmethroughstrandsofchestnutandcaramel.Ibrusheditback,tuckingherhairbehindherears,thegesturefeelingoddlyintimate.AndIwishedIhadn’tdoneit.Becauseitfeltlikeonemorestringknottingitself,tetheringmetoher.
“Soitfeelsthisgoodtoyoutoo?Imean,you’renotjustlike‘thisisfine’?”Toillustrateherpoint,sheaddedahalf-heartedthrustwithherhips,andIcouldn’tholdbackthegroan.
“Hell,Naomi,there’snothing‘fine’aboutwhatitfeelsliketohaveyoucomeonmycock.WhythehelldoyouthinkIsaidI’ddothisfakeboyfriendcrap?”
Shesmirked.“Becauseyousawhowdisappointedmyparentswereinmeandyouwantedtohelpmeoutlikethegrumpy,small-townheroyouare.”
“Smartass.IdiditbecauseIwokeup,andyouweren’tnexttome,andIwantedyouthere.”
“Youdid?”
“IwantedyoutheresoIcouldflipyouoveronyourhandsandkneesandfuckyousohardyouwouldn’tbeabletositdownforthenextforty-eighthourswithoutthinkingaboutme.”
Sheopenedhermouth,andsomethingbetweenamoanandawhimpercameout.
“I’mnotdonewithyouyet,Daisy,”Isaid.Inwardly,Icringedattheharshnessofthisstatement.Mid-sexmewasnotusuallysofuckingchatty.ButNaomiwasdoubtingwhatI’dmadeherfeel.Andthatwouldn’tstand.Notevenintheshort-term.
“CanImoveagain?”sheasked.
“Jesus.God.Yes.”
Andthenshewasridingme,workingmycocklikeitwasastallioninneedofbreaking.Everyslickslide,everylittlemoan,everytimeafingernailbitintomyskin,IfelttherestoftheworldrecedeabitmoreuntilitwasjustNaomiandme.
Sweatbeadedonourskin.Ourbreathmingledaswepantedtogether.
Therewasnothinglikebeingfullyseatedinsideher.Nothinglikeclaimingherandbeingclaimed.
“Naomi.”IgrittedouthernameasIfeltherstarttoflutteraroundmeagain.Tinylittlepulsesthatdrovemeoutofmyfuckingmind.
“Knox.Yes.Please,”shewhimpered
Itookhernippleonalong,deeppull.Itwastoomuchforbothofus.Asthefirstwaveofherorgasmtookher,Ilostcontrol,pumpingintoherhot,tightchannelasifmylifedependedonit.
Maybeitdid.
Becausewhenthatfirsthotspurtwrencheditswayfree.Whenshescreamedmynamefortheworldtohear.Whensheclosedaroundmeandmilkedasecondandathirdburstfromme,Ifeltbornagain.Alive.HollowedoutandrefilledtooverflowingwithsomethingIdidn’trecognize.Somethingthatscaredtheever-livinghelloutofme.
ButIjustkeptoncoming,andsodidshe,ourreleasesendless.
This.Thiswaswhyoncewasn’tenough.ThiswaswhynowIwasn’tsurewhatwasenough.TWENTY-NINEKNOX’SHOUSE
Knox
“Niceplace,”NaomiobservedasIlockedmyfrontdoorbehindusandflippedonthelights.
“Thanks.Mygrandfatherbuiltit,”Isaidonayawn.IthadbeenalongdayfollowedbyalongnightatHonkyTonkandIneededsleep.
“Really?”sheasked,hergazeliftingtotheloftabovethelivingroom,thetimberceilingandtheantlerchandelierthathungthere.
Thecabinwassmallandleanedtowardrustic.Twobedrooms,onebath.Thefloorswerepine.Thestonefireplaceneededagoodscrubbingbutstilldidthejob.TheleathercouchwasfinallybrokeninjustthewayIwantedit.
Itwashome.
“Aretheseyourparents?”sheasked,pickingupaframedphotoononeoftheendtables.Ididn’tknowwhyIbotheredkeepingit.MyparentswerelinedancingatapicnicinLizaJandPop’syard.Smilesontheirfaces,feetinsync.Happiertimesthat,inthemoment,seemedlikethey’dgoonforever.
Itwas,ofcourse,alie.
Happiertimesalwayscametoanend.
“Listen,Daze.I’mbeat.”
Betweenmybrothergettingshot,thesuddenonslaughtoforgasms,andwork,IneededasolideighthoursofsleepbeforeI’dbeworthanything.
“Oh.Yeah.Sure,”shesaid,carefullyputtingthephotobackonthetable.ThoughInoticedshe’dangledittowardthecouch,notawayfromitlikeI’ddone.“I’llheadhome.ThanksforthebackuptodaywithWay’steacher…andmyparents.Andthenalltheorgasmsandstuff.”
“Baby,you’renotgoinghome.I’mjusttellingyouwhyI’mnotmakin’anymoveswhenwegoupstairs.”
“Ishouldjustgohome,Knox.IhavetobeupearlytogetWayatLiza’s.”ShelookedasexhaustedasIfelt.
Ihadn’tgivenitmorethanapassingthoughtinthepast,butmygirlsatHonkyTonkdraggedtheirasseshomeattwoorthreea.m.andonweekdayshadtobeupagainbysixorsevendependingontheusefulnessoftheirsignificantothers.
IrememberedasolidyearstretchwhenFiwouldfallasleepsittingupeverydayatherdeskbecauseherkidswereshitsleepers.ItgottothepointwhereIhadtodothethingIhated.Igotinvolved.
I’dunleashedLizaJonherand,inlessthanaweek,mygrandmotherhadbothkidsonaschedulesleepingtenhoursanight.
“Youhaveofftomorrow,right?”Iasked.
Shenodded,thenyawned.
“Sowe’llgetupin,”Iglanceddownatmywatch,thenswore,“threehoursandgohavebreakfastatLizaJ’s.”
Itwasthegentlemanlythingtodo.Whichusuallywasn’tahugeconcerntome.ButIfeltthetiniestsplinterofguiltthinkingaboutstayinginbedwhileNaomidraggedherselfofftofamilyfuckingbreakfastandthentriedtokeepWaylayfrombreakingthelawfortherestoftheday.
Besides,IcouldjustcomehomeafterbreakfastandsleepuntilwheneverthefuckIwanted.
Ilikedthewayhereyeswentsoftanddreamyforasecond.Thenpractical,people-pleasingNaomiwasback.“Youdon’thavetogetupwithme.Youneedsleep.I’llgohometonight,andmaybewecan…”Hergazesliddownmybody,andhercheeksturnedadelicateshadeofpink.“Catchupsomeothertime,”shefinished.
“Yeah.Nicetry.Wantsomewater?”Iasked,towinghertowardthekitchen
Itwasbiggerthanthecottage’s.Butnotbymuch.Icouldimaginesomevisitorswouldfindit“charming”withitshickorycabinets,countertopsinadeepforestgreen,andatinyislandonwheelsthatIusedtopileunopenedmailon.
“Water?”sherepeated.
“Yeah,baby.Doyouwantadrinkofwaterbeforewegotobed?”
“Knox,I’mconfused.Thisisjustsex.Webothagreed.Unlessmyparentsarearound,andthenit’sarelationship.Butmyparentsaren’there,andI’msotiredIdon’tthinkevenanorgasmcouldkeepmeawake.Sowhatthehellarewedoing?”
Ifilledaglassfromthesinkandthentookherbythehandandledthewaytowardthestairs.“Ifyouleave,Ihavetowalkyourasshomeinthedark,thenwalkmyassbackhere.Whichputsmehittin’thesackbackbyanotherfifteenminutesatleastand,Daze,I’mreallyfuckingtired.”
“Mystuffisatmyhouse,”shesaid,bitingherlipinhesitation.
“Whatstuffdoyouneedinthenextthreehours,Daisy?”
“Atoothbrush.”
“Gotanextraupstairs.”
“Myfacewashandlotion.”
“Gotwaterandsoap,”Isaid,tuggingherupthestairs.
“Istilldon’t—”
Istoppedandfacedher.“Baby,Idon’twanttothinkaboutitorwonderwhatitallmeans.Ijustwanttoputmyheadonapillowandknowthatyou’resafeandasleep.Ipromiseyou,wecannitpickthismesstodeathtomorrow.Butrightnow,Ijustneedtoclosemyeyesandnotthinkaboutshit.”
Sherolledhereyes.“Fine.Butwe’redefinitelynitpickingthismesstodeathtomorrowandreconfirmingthegroundrules.”
“Great.Can’twait.”Beforeshecouldchangehermind,Ipulledhertherestofthewayupthestairsandintomybedroom.
“Wow,”sheyawned,blinkingatmybed.
Aman’sbedandhiscouchwerethemostimportantpiecesoffurnitureinthehouse.I’dgoneforabig-assking-sizedsleighbedstaineddark.
Itwasunmade,asalways.Ineversawthepointinmakingabedifyouwerejustgoingtohavetounmakeittouseit.ItwasagoodthingNaomiwasnearlydeadonherfeet,becauseiftherumpledsheetsdidn’tsendherpacking,theshortstackofunderwearandt-shirtsnexttomynightstandwouldhave.
InudgedherinthedirectionofthebathroomandriffledunderthesinkuntilIcameupwithasparetoothbrushstillinitsdusty,originalpackage.
“Itakeityoudon’thavemanyovernightguests?”sheasked,wipingthedustofftheplastic.
Ishrugged.I’dneverspentthenightwithawomaninthishouse.Iwasalreadycrossingtheinvisibleboundariesofouragreementbyhavingherspendthenight.TherewasnofuckingwayIwasgoingtohashoutwhatitmeantwithher.
Shewastheonewhowasusedtosharingalife,asink,abedwithsomeone.Shewastheonecomingoutofarelationship.
Great.NowIwastiredandannoyed.
Westoodshoulder-to-shoulder,brushingourteeth.Forsomereason,thecompanionableroutineremindedmeofmychildhood.Everyeveningwhenwewerekids,NashandIhungoutonourparents’bed,waitingforthemtofinishbrushingtheirteethsotheycouldreadusthenextchapterinwhateverbookwewereinthemiddleof.
IshookoffthememoryandglancedatNaomi.Shehadafarawaylookinhereyes.“What’swrong?”Iasked.
“Everyone’stalkingaboutus,”shesaid,rinsinghertoothbrush.
“Who’severyone?”
“Theentiretown.Everyoneissayingwe’redating.”
“Idoubtthat.Mostofthemarejustsayingwe’refucking.”
SheflungahandtowelatmethatIcaughtone-handed.
“Fine.MyparentsandWaylay’scaseworkerthinkwe’reinarelationship,andtherestoftownthinkswe’rejusthavingsex.”
“So?”
Shelookedexasperated.“So?Itmakesmelooklikea…well,likemysister.I’veonlyknownyouthreeweeks.Don’tyoucarewhatpeoplethinkaboutyou?Whattheysayaboutyou?”
“WhywouldIdothat?Theycanwhisperalltheywantbehindmyback.Aslongasnoneofthemaredumbenoughtosayittomyface,Idon’tgiveashitwhattheysay.”
Naomishookherhead.“IwishIcouldbemorelikeyou.”
“What?Aselfishasshole?”
“No.Whatevertheoppositeofapeople-pleaseris.”
“Apeople-displeaser?”Isupplied.
“Youhavenoideahowexhaustingitisworryingabouteveryoneelseallthetime,feelingresponsibleforthem,wantingthemtobehappyandlikeyou.”
Shewasright.Ihadnoideawhatitwaslike.“Thenstopcaring.”
“Ofcourseyouwouldsaythat,”shesaid,soundingdisgruntled.Shetookthehandtowel,wipeddownhertoothbrush,andthenthecounter.“Youmakeitsoundsoeasy.”
“Itisthateasy,”Iargued.“Don’tlikesomething?Stopdoingit.”
“ThelifephilosophyofKnoxMorgan,ladiesandgentlemen,”shesaidwithaneye-roll.
“Bed,”Iordered.“It’stoolateforphilosophy.”
Sheglanceddownatheroutfit.Herfeetwerebare,butshewasstillwearingthatdenimskirtandshirtfromhershift.
“Idon’thaveanypajamas.”
“Itakeitthatmeansyoudon’tsleepnaked?”Justlikemakingthebed,wearingpajamaswasawasteinmyopinion.
Shestaredatme.
“Ofcourseyoudon’tsleepnaked.”
“Therecouldbeafireinthemiddleofthenight,”sheinsisted,crossingherarms.
“Idon’thaveanyturn-outgearforyoutosleepin.”
“Harhar.”
“Fine.”Ileftherinthebathroomandheadedtomydresser,whereIfoundacleant-shirt.“Here,”Isaid,returningtoher.
Shelookeddownatit,thenupatmeagain.Ilikedthewayshelooked.Sleepyandalittlelessthanperfectasiftheshiftandthelatenighthadworndownherarmor.
“Thanks,”shesaid,staringatitandthenmeagainuntilIgotthehint.
“YoudorealizeI’vealreadyseenyounaked,right?”
“That’sdifferent.Goaway.”
Shakingmyhead,Ileftthebathroom,closingthedoorbehindme.
Twominuteslater,Naomistoodinthedoorwayinmyt-shirt.Shewastall,buttheshirtstillcoveredhertomid-thigh.Herfacewasscrubbedclean,andshe’dpulledpartofherhairupandbackinasmallknotontopofherhead
Thegirlnextdoorwasabouttocrawlintomybed.Iknewitwasamistake.ButitwasoneIwantedtomake.Justthisonce.
Wetradedplaces,withNaomislippingintomybedroomandmecommandeeringthebathroomtoremovemycontactsfrommyblearyeyes.
Runningonfumes,Isnappedoffthebathroomlightandcrossedtomysideofthebed.Shewasonherback,armstuckedunderherhead,staringupattheceiling.Ikilledthebedsidelightandstrippedinthedark,throwingmyclothesinthedirectionofthedirtylaundrypile.
Idraggedbacktheblanketsandfinallyfellintobedwithasigh.Iwaitedabeat,staringupatthedarkness.Thisdidn’thavetomeananything.Thisdidn’thavetobeanotherstring,anotherknot.
“Yougood?”Iasked.
“Mypillowsmellsweird,”shesaid,soundingdisgruntled.
“You’resleepingonWaylon’sside.”Ipulledthepillowoutfromunderherhead,thenthrewmineather.
“Hey!”
“Better?”
Iheardhersniffthepillow.“Better,”sheagreed.
“Night,Naomi.”
“Goodnight,Knox.”
***
Iwoketoathud,ayelp,andacurse.
“Naomi?”Irasped,unglueingmyeyelids.Shecameintoasoftfocusatthefootofthebed,whereshewasperformingsomekindofgymnasticstogetherskirtbackon.
“Sorry,”shewhispered.“IneedtoshowerbeforeIgotoLiza’sforbreakfast.
“There’sashowerhere,”Ipointedout,risingonanelbowtowatchherdraghershirtoninsideout.
“ButIneedfreshclothesandmascara.Ahairdryer.Gobacktosleep,Knox.There’snoneedforusbothtobewalkingzombies.”
BlearilyIglaredatthetimeonmyphone.7:05a.m.Fourhoursdidn’treallycountasspendingthenightwithawoman,Idecided.
Theappealofbeingabachelorwasthefactthatmydaysweredictatedbyme.Ididn’thavetoworkaroundanyoneelse’splansornotdowhatIwantedtodojustsotheycoulddowhattheywanted.
ButitseemedunfaireventomethatNaomishouldhavetospendthedayrunningonfumeswhileIsleptin.Besides,breakfastdidsoundgood.
Myfeethitthefloorwithathump.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked,tryingtorighthertop.Itwasnowrightsideout,butbackwards.
“Noreasonforyoutowalkhome,shower,andwalkbacktoLiza’s.Notwhenthere’saperfectlygoodshowerhere.”
“Ican’tgotobreakfastinmyuniform,”shesaidinexasperation.“Doingthewalkofshametofamilybreakfastisnothappening.”
“Fine.Givemealist.”
ShelookedasifIhadjustspokentoherinSwahili.“Alistofwhat?”
“Whatdoyouneedtogetthroughbreakfastwithoutshame.Youshower.I’llgetyourstuff.”
Shestaredatme.“You’reworkingawfullyhardforjustahook-up.”
Icouldn’tsaywhy,butthatstatementpissedmeoff.Standingup,Ipickedapairofjeansoffthefloor.“Gimmiealist.”Idraggedonthejeans.
Sheputherhandsonherhipsandglaredatme.“Hasanyonetoldyouyou’reagrumpinthemornings?”
“Yeah.Everysinglepersonwho’shadthemisfortuneofseeingmebeforetena.m.Tellmewhatyouwantfromyourplace,thengetyourcuteassintheshower.”
Fourminuteslater,IwasheadedoutthedoorwithanobscenelylonglistforaSaturdaymorningbreakfastthatmygrandmotherwouldpresideoverinhercamopajamas.
Ijoggedthroughmybackyardtohersandcameuponthecottage’sbackporch.Thehide-a-keyhadbeeninthesameplacesinceIcouldremember.Inafakerockinoneoftheflowerboxesontherailing.Isnaggedthekey,fititintothelock,andfoundthedoorwasalreadyunlocked.
Great,nowIwasgoingtohavetolectureheronsecurity.
Thecottagesmelledlikefreshair,bakedgoods,andlemons.
Thekitchenwassparklingcleanexceptfortheopenedmailonthecounter.Naomikeptitinasmalluprightorganizer,probablyalphabetized,butnowalltheenvelopeswerefannedoutinasloppystack.
Therolltopdeskinthenookoffthelivingroomwasopen,revealingamostlytidyworkspacewithNaomi’slaptop,acupofcolorfulpens,andastackofnotebooks.Thebottomdrawerwasopenafewinches.
Thoughitwasnomountainofunderwearandt-shirts,Iwasgladtoseealittledisarray.I’dnoticedthemorestressedNaomigot,thecleanershebecame.Alittlemesswasagoodsign.
Itookthestairstwoatatimeandswungintothebathroomfirsttocollectthetoiletriesandhairdryer.ThenIhitNaomi’sroomandgrabbedshortsand—becauseIwasaman—alacy,girlyblousewithbuttons.
Haulsecured,Ilockedthebackdoorandheadedbacktomyplace.
WhenIwalkedintothebedroom,IfoundNaomistandinginthesteamybathroomwithwethairwearingnothingbutatowel.
Theviewbroughtmetoasuddenhalt.Ilikedseeingherlikethis.Likedhavinganundressed,freshlyshoweredNaomiinmyspace.
IlikeditsomuchthatIwentontheoffensive.“Yougottalockyourdoors,Daisy.Iknowthisisn’tthebigcity,butshitstillhappensouthere.Likemybrothergettingshot.”
Sheblinkedatme,thensnatchedthebagofgirlstufffrommyhands.“Ialwayslockthedoors.I’mnotanincompetentadult.”
“Backdoorwasunlocked,”Ireported.
Shedugthroughthebagandlaidthetoiletriesoutinaneatlinearoundmysink.I’dbroughtextrasinceIdidn’tgiveashitaboutthedifferencebetweeneyelinerandeyebrowpencil.
“IlockthedoorseverytimeIleaveandeverynight,”sheargued,pickingupthebrushandrunningitthroughherdamphair.
Ileanedcasuallyagainstthedoorframeandenjoyedtheshowasshemethodicallyworkedherwaythroughhercosmetics.“Whatisallthatshit,anyway?”
“Haven’tyoueverwatchedawomangetready?”sheasked,aimingalookofsuspicionatmeasshepenciledanoutlinearoundherlips.
“It’sjustbreakfast,”Ipointedout.
“ButIdon’twanttolooklikeIjustrolledoutofbedwithyou.”Thestareshegavemewaspointed.Iglancedinthemirrorandnotedthatmyhairwasstandingupinalldirections.Mybeardwasflatononeside.AndIhadapillowcreaseundermylefteye.
“Whynot?”Iasked.
“Becauseit’snotpolite.”
Icrossedmyarmsandgrinned.“Baby,youlostme.”
Sheturnedherattentionbacktoapaletteofcolorsandstartedswipingsomeofthemonhereyelids.“We’regoingtobreakfast,”shesaidasifthatexplainedanything.
“Withfamily,”Iadded.
“AndIdon’twanttoshowuplookinglikeIspentthelasttwenty-fourhourshavingsexwithyou.Waylayneedsarolemodel.Besides,myparentshaveenoughtoworryaboutwithoutaddingasecondpromiscuousdaughtertotheirplates.”
“Naomi,havingsexdoesn’tmakeyoupromiscuous,”Isaid,tornbetweenamusementandannoyance.
“Iknowthat.ButeverytimeImakeadecisionanywhereintheneighborhoodofwhatTinawoulddo,Ifeellikeit’smyjobtomakeitclearthatI’mnother.”Sheputdowntheeyeshadowandpickeduponeofthoseeyelashcurlerthings.
IwasstartingtogetaclearerpictureofthewomanIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutnaked.
“You’reapieceofwork,youknowthat?”
Shemanagedtogivemeascowldespitethefactthatshewasusingthatcontraptionononeofhereyes.“Noteveryonecanstrutthroughtown,notgivingashitaboutwhatotherpeoplethink.”
“Let’sgetonethingstraight,Daisy.Idon’tstrut.”
Shecrossedhereyesatmeinthemirror.“Fine.Yousashay.”
“Whydoyoufeellikeyouhavetokeepprovingtoyourparentsthatyou’renotTina?Anyonewitheyesandearswhospendsthirtysecondswithyoucantellthat.”
“Parentshaveexpectationsfortheirkids.That’sjustthewayitis.Somepeoplewanttheirkidstogrowuptobedoctors.Somepeoplewanttheirkidstogrowuptobeprofessionalathletes.Somepeoplejustwanttoraisehappy,healthyadultswhocontributetotheircommunities.”
“Okay,”Isaid,waitingforhertofinish.
“Myparentswereinthelattergroup.ButTinadidn’tdeliver.Sheneverdelivered.WhileIwasbringinghomeA’sandB’sinschool.ShewasbringinghomeDs.Inhighschool,whenIjoinedthefieldhockeyteamandstartedatutoringprogram,Tinaplayedhookyandgotbustedwithpotinthebaseballdugoutafterschool.”
“Herchoice,”Ipointedout.
“Butimaginewhatitwaslikeseeingtheparentsyoulovesomuchgethurtoverandoveragain.Ihadtobethegoodone.Ididn’thaveachoice.Icouldn’taffordanykindofteenrebellionorbouncebetweenmajorsfindingmyselfincollege.Notwhenthey’dalreadystruckoutwithonedaughter.”
“IsthatwhyyoudecidedtomarrythatWarnerguy?”Iasked.
Herfaceshutteredinthemirror.“Probablypartofit,”shesaidcarefully.“Hewasagoodchoice.Onpaper.”
“Youcan’tspendyourentirelifetryingtomakeeveryoneelsehappy,Naomi,”Iwarnedher.
“Whynot?”
Shelookedgenuinelybaffled.
“Eventuallyyou’regoingtogivealittletoomuchandyouwon’thaveenoughleftoverforyourself.”
“YousoundlikeStef,”shesaid.
“Nowwho’sbeingmean?”Iteased.“Yourparentsdon’twantyoutobeperfect.Theywantyoutobehappy.Yetonceagain,you’rejumpinginandcleaningupyoursister’smess.Yousteppedintotheroleofparentwithnonotice,nopreparation.”
“Therewasnootheroption.”
“Justbecauseoneofthechoicesisshittydoesn’tmeanit’snotanoption.Didyouevenwantkids?”Iasked.
Shemetmygazeinthemirror.“Yeah.Idid.Alotactually.Ithoughtitwouldbethroughmoretraditionalmeans.AndthatI’datleastgettoenjoythebaby-makingendofthings.ButI’vealwayswantedafamily.NowI’mmakingamessofeverythingandcan’tevenfilloutanapplicationcorrectly.AndwhatifIdon’twantthisguardianshiptobetemporary?WhatifIwantWaylaytostaywithmepermanently?Whatifshedoesn’twanttostaywithme?OrwhatifajudgedecidesI’mnotgoodenoughforher?”
Shewieldedalipglossatme.
“Thisiswhatit’slikelivinginmybrain.”
“It’sfuckingexhausting.”
“Itis.AndtheonetimeIdosomethingthat’spurelyselfishandjustforme,itblowsupinmyface.”
“Whatdidyoudoforyou?”Iasked
“Ihadaone-nightstandwithagrumpy,tattooedbarber.”THIRTYBREAKFASTOFSHAME
Naomi
“Youdon’thavetocomealong,youknow,”Ipointedout.“Youdidn’tgetmuchsleepinthelastforty-eighthours.”
“Neitherdidyou,”Knoxsaid,makingashowoflockingupthecabinbeforeweleft.Iknewhewasmakingapoint
Ididn’tlikepeoplewhomadepoints.AtleastnotbeforeI’dhadmycoffee.
WemadetheshortwalktoLiza’sinsilence.Thebirdsweresinging,thesunwasshining,andmymindwasspinninglikeadryerwithalopsidedload.
We’dslepttogether.Asinfellasleepinthesamebedwithouthavingsextogether.Notonlythat,butI’dwokenupwithKnox“Viking”Morganspooningme
Ididn’tknowmuchaboutnostrings.Hell,Ihadsomanystringsattachedtosomanythings,I’dbeentiedupinknotsformostofmyadultlife.ButevenIknewthatsharingabedandcuddlingwaswaytoointimateforwhatwe’dbothagreedto.
Imean,don’tgetmewrong.WakingupwithKnox’shard—andIdomeanhard—bodyatmyback,hisarmdrapedheavilyovermywaistwasoneofthebestwaysintheworldtowakeup.
Butitwasn’tpartoftheagreement.Therewasareasonforrules.Ruleswouldkeepmefromfallingforthegrumpy,cuddlyViking.
Ichewedonmylowerlip.
Mengottiredanddidn’twanttowalkwomenhomeorletwomenwalkhomealoneonlytobeeatenbywildlife.Themanhadgonethroughatraumatictwenty-fourhours.Heprobablywasn’tmakingthemostrationaldecisions,Idecided.MaybeKnoxwasjustarestlesssleeper.Maybehespoonedhisdoginbedeverynight.
Ofcourse,thatdidn’texplainwhyhe’dvolunteeredtorunnextdoorandgrababunchofmystuffwhileIshowered.Whyhe’dputactualthoughtintoanoutfitforme.Iglanceddownatthehigh-waistedgreenandwhiteshorts,thecutelacytop.He’devengrabbedunderwearforme.Sure,itwasathonganddidn’tmatchmybra.Butstill.
“’Boutdonethinkingeverythingtodeath?”
IshookmyselffrommyreverietofindKnoxshootingmeoneofthosealmostsmiles.
“Iwasjustrunningthroughmytodolist,”Ifibbedhaughtily.
“Sureyouwere.Canwegoinnow?”
IrealizedwewerestandinginfrontofLiza’shouse.ThesmellofStef’sWorldFamousMapleBaconwaftedthroughthescreendoor.
Therewasasinglewooffollowedbyachorusofbarksasfourdogsbarreledthroughthedoorandofftheporch.
Waylonwaslast,earsflappingbehindhim,tonguelollingobscenelyfromhismouth.
“Hey,bud,”Knoxsaid,droppingtohiskneestogreethisdogandtheotherthreeastheyjumpedandyappedtheirenthusiasm.
Ibentdownandexchangedmoredignifiedgreetingswiththepackbeforestraightening.
“Okay,sowhat’stheplan?”Iaskedhim.
KnoxgaveWaylon’searsalastruffle.“Whatplan?”
“Breakfast?Withmyfamily?”Iprodded.
“Well,Daze,Idon’tknowaboutyou,butmyplanistoguzzlehalfapotofcoffee,chowdownonsomebacon,andthengobacktobedforanotherfourorfivehours.”
“Imean,arewestill…youknow…pretending?”
SomethingpassedoverhisfacethatIcouldn’tread.
“Yeah.We’restillpretending,”hesaidfinally.
Ididn’tknowifIwasrelievedornot.
Inside,wefoundLizaandmydadstandingsentrybehindStefashepeeredintotheovenattwobakingsheetsofbaconthatsmelledlikeheaven.Momwassettingthetableinthesun-room.Waylaywasmakingherwayaroundthetable,stillinhernew,pinktie-dyepajamas,carefullypouringglassesoforangejuice.
IfeltaswiftrushofaffectionforherandthenrememberedIhadtocomeupwithasuitablepunishmentforhertoday.Ireallyneededtogettothedisciplinechapterinmylibrarybook.
“Mornin’,lovebirds.Didn’texpecttoseeyouhere,Knox,”Lizasaid,spottingusassheshuffledovertothecoffeemakerinabluefuzzyrobeoverlightweightcamouflagepajamas.
Knoxdrapedanarmaroundmyshoulders.“Mornin’,”hereturned.“Icouldn’tpassupthebacon.”
“Noonecan,”Stefsaid,pullingthetraysoutoftheovenandsettingthemonthetwocoolingracksI’ddiscoveredhiddenbehindthehutchinLiza’sdiningroom.
Waylaypaddedinonbarefeetandsniffedwithsuspicion.“Why’sitsmellweird?”
“Firstofall,gorgeous,yousmellweird,”Stefsaid,givingherawink.“Secondly,that’sthecaramelizedmaplesyrup.”
Waylayperkedup.“Ilikesyrup.”Hereyesslidtome.“Mornin’,AuntNaomi.”
Iranmyhandthroughhermessyblondehair.“Morning,kiddo.Didyouhavefunwithyourgrandparentslastnight,ordidtheymakeyouscrubthefloors?”
“MeandGrandmaandUncleStefwatchedThePrincessBride.Grandpafellasleepbeforetheshriekingeels,”shesaid.“AmIstillgrounded?”
Momopenedhermouth,lookedatme,thenshutitagain.
“Youare,”Idecided.“Fortheweekend.”
“Canwestillgotothelibrary?”
Iwasnewatthisdisciplinething,butIfiguredthelibrarywassafeenough.“Sure,”Iyawned.
“Someoneneedshercoffee,”Momsang.“Latenight?”ShelookedpointedlyatKnoxandthenwinkedatme.
“Youknowwhereelseyoutwoshouldgotoday?”Dadsaid.Nowthatthebaconwassafelyoutoftheoven,hewaspeeringoverLiza’sshoulderassheflippedanomelet.
“Where?”Iaskedwarily.
Heturnedtolookatme.“Carshopping.Youneedacar.”Dadsaiditwithauthorityasiftheideaofgettingacarhadsomehowneveroccurredtome.
“Iknow,Dad.It’sonthelist.”
Itwasonaliterallist.Aspreadsheetactually,comparingmakesandmodelsrankedbyreliability,gasmileage,andcost.
“YouandWaylayneedsomethingreliable,”hecontinued.“Youcan’tgetaroundonbikesforever.It’llbewinterbeforeyouknowit.”
“Iknow,Dad.”
“Ifyouneedmoney,yourmotherandIcanhelpout.”
“Yourfather’sright,dear,”Momsaid,handingKnoxacupofcoffeeandthesecondtome.Shewaswearingplaidpajamashortsandamatchingbutton-downtop.
“Idon’tneedanymoney.Ihavemoney,”Iinsisted.
“We’llgothisafternoon,”Daddecided.
Ishookmyhead.“That’snotnecessary.”Ihadn’tfinishedmyspreadsheetyetandIwasnotwalkingonacarlotwithoutknowingexactlywhatIwantedandwhatitwasworth.
“We’vealreadygotplanstolookatcarstoday,”Knoxannounced.
CrabbyVikingsayswhat?Carshoppingplanswerenewstome.Andunlikehavingaboyfriend,thepurchaseofacarwasn’tnearlyaseasytofakeformyparents.
Hedrewmeintohisside.Itwasapossessivemovethatbothconfusedmeandturnedmeon.“FiguredI’dtakeNaomiandWaylaytolookforaride,”hesaid.
Dadharrumphed.
“Igettocometoo?”Waylayasked,climbinguponherkneesonthebarstool.
“Well,sinceit’sourcar,youhavetohelpmedecide,”Itoldher.
“Let’sgetamotorcycle!”
“No,”mymotherandIansweredtogether.
“Well,I’mgettingoneassoonasI’moldenough.”
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtowardoffallthecatastrophesthatrolledthroughmymindlikeahighschooldriver’sedfilmstrip.“I’vechangedmymind.You’regroundeduntilyou’rethirty-five.”
“Idon’tthinkyoucanlegallydothat,”Waylaysaid.
“Sorry,Witty.I’mwiththekidonthisone,”Stefsaid,leaningonhiselbowsnexttoherattheisland.Hebrokeapieceofbaconinhalfandhandedonepiecetomyniece.
“GottavotewithWay,”Knoxsaid,squeezingmyshoulder,oneofthosesort-ofsmilesdancingatthecornersofhislips.“Youcanonlygroundheruntilshe’seighteen.”
Waylaypunchedafistintotheairvictoriouslyandtookabiteofbacon.
“Fine.You’regroundeduntilyou’reeighteen.Andnofairganginguponme,”Icomplained.
“UncleStef,”Waylaysaid,hereyesgoingwideandsolemn.“ThisisthebestbaconI’veeverhadinmylife.”
“Itoldyou,”Stefsaidtriumphantly.Heslappedahandontothecounter.Thedogs,mistakingthenoiseforaknock,racedtothefrontdoorinafitofbarking.
“Gotsomenews,”Lizaannounced.“Nashiscominghome.”
“That’sawfullysoon,isn’tit?”Iasked.Themanhadtwobulletholesinhim.Itseemedlikethatdeservedmorethanafewdaysinthehospital.
“He’sgoingstir-crazycoopedupinthere.He’lldobetterathome,”Lizapredicted.
Knoxnoddedinagreement.
“Well,thatmeanshisplacewillneedagoodcleaning.Can’thavegermsgettinginbulletwoundsnow,canwe?”Momsaidasifsheknewpeoplewhogotshoteveryday.
“Probablyneedsomefoodtoo,”Dadchimedin.“Beteverythinginhisfridgeisrotten.I’llstartalist.”
LizaandKnoxexchangedconfoundedlooks.Igrinned.
“It’stheWittWay,”Iexplained.“It’sbesttojustgowithit.”
***
“IsleptwithKnoxtwiceinthelastforty-eighthoursandthenIsleptwithhimsleptwithhimlastnight.AndIdon’tknowhowmuchofit’samistake.Anditwasjustsupposedtobeonetimeanddefinitelynosleeping,buthekeepschangingtherulesonme,”IblurtedouttoStef.
WewereonLiza’sfrontporch,waitingforWaylaytogetherstuffsowecouldgobacktothecottageandgetreadyforprematurecarshopping.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dgottenhimalonesinceTheSex…andsubsequentarrivalofmyparents.
We’dbeentradingtextsforthelasttwodays.
“Youdiditagain?Iknewit!Ifuck—freakingknewit,”hesaid,dancingfromfoottofoot.
“Great.Congratulations,Mr.KnowItAll.Nowtellmewhatitallmeans?”
“HowthehellshouldIknowwhatitmeans?I’mtheonewhochickenedoutonaskingthatfineAFsalongodforhisphonenumber.”
Myjawdropped.“Excuseme,butStefanLiaohasneverchickenedoutonahotguybefore.”
“Let’snotmakethisaboutmeandmytemporarymentalbreak.Gobacktothesexpart.Wasitgood?”
“Phenomenal.Bestsexever.NowI’vetrappedhiminsomethingresemblingarelationshipandIhavenoideawhattosaytoWayaboutit.Idon’twantherthinkingthatit’sokaytojumpfromrelationshiptorelationship.Orthatit’snotokaytobealone.Orthatit’sokaytohaveaone-nightstandwithahotguy.”
“Hatetobreakittoyou,LittleMissUptight,butallofthosethingsactuallyareokay.”
“Thirty-six-year-oldadultwomanmeknowsthat,”Isnapped.“Butthosethingsdon’tlookokayintheeyesoffamilycourt,andisthatreallytheexampleIwanttosetforaneleven-year-old?”
“Icanseeyou’veenteredtheover-analyzingeverythingpartofyourfreak-out,”Stefquipped.
“Stopbeingajerkandstarttellingmewhattodo!”
Hereachedoutandsquishedmycheeksbetweenhishands.“Naomi.Diditeveroccurtoyouthatmaybethisisyourchancetostartlivingalifeyouchoose?Startdoingthingsyouwanttodo?”
“No,”Isaid.
Thescreendoorburstopen,andWaylayjumpedoutwithWaylononherheels.“Ican’tfindmymathbook.”
“Wheredidyouseeitlast?”Iaskedher.
“IfIknewthat,I’dknowwhereitwas.”
Thethreeofusheadedinthedirectionofthecottage.Waylondartedoutinfrontofus,pausingeveryfewfeettosniffthingsandpeeonthem.
“DoesKnoxknowyouhavehisdog?”Iasked.
“Dunno.”Waylayshrugged.“SoareyouandKnoxathing?”
Istumbledovermyownfeet.
Stefsnickeredunsympatheticallynexttome.
Iblewoutabreath.“Honestly,Way.Ihavenoidea.Idon’tknowwhatweareorwhatIwantfromhimorwhathewantsfromme.Soweprobablywon’tbeathingforever.Butwemightbespendingmoretimewithhimforawhile.Ifit’sokaywithyou.”
Shefrownedthoughtfullyatthegroundasshekickedatastone.“Youmeanyouwouldn’thangoutwithhimandstuffifIdidn’twantyouto?”
“Well,yeah.You’rekindofprettyimportanttome,soyouropinionmatters.”
“Huh.ThenIguesshecancomeoverfordinnertonightifhewantsto,”shesaid.
***
Nashwashomeandrestinginhisfreshlycleanedandrestockedapartment.Myparentswerecelebratingtheirweeklydatenightwithdinneratafive-starLebaneserestaurantinCanton.LizahadinvitedSteftobeher“hotdate”foradinnerpartyatalocal“fancy-asshorsefarm.”
Asforme,Ihadanew(tome)SUVinmydriveway,andmysort-ofboyfriendandniecewereinthebackyardbuildingafireinthefirepitwhileIputawaytheleftovers.
WaylonwasinthekitchenwithmeincaseIdroppedanyoftheaforementionedleftovers.
“Fine.Butdon’tthinkyoucanlookatmewiththatdroopyfaceandgetatreateverytime,”IwarnedthedogasIreachedintothemasonjarofdogtreatsIhadn’tbeenabletoresistatNina’sdad’spetshop.
Waylonwolfeddownhisbiscuitwithanappreciativefull-buttwiggle.
“Ouch!Damnit!”
“Waylay!Language!”Iyelled.
“Sorry!”shecalledback.
“Busted,”Knoxsangnotquitequietlyenough.
“Knox!”
“Sorry!”
Ishookmyhead.
“Whatarewegoingtodowiththem?”IaskedWaylon.
Thedogbelchedandwaggedhistail.
Outside,Waylaygaveatriumphantwhoop,andKnoxpunchedbothfistsintheairassparksbecameflames.Theyhigh-fived.
IsnappedapictureofthemcelebratingandsentittoStef.
Me:Spendingtheeveningwithtwopyromaniacs.How’syournightgoing?
Herespondedlessthanaminutelaterwithaclose-upofadignified-lookinghorse.
Stef:IthinkI’minlove.HowsexywouldIbeasahorsefarmer?
Me:Thesexiest.
“AuntNaomi!”WaylayburstthroughthescreendoorasIwipeddownthecountertops.“Wegotthefirestarted.We’rereadyfors’mores!”
Shehaddirtonherfaceandgrassstainsonhert-shirt.Butshelookedlikeahappyeleven-year-old.
“ThenIguesswe’dbettergetthemstarted.”Withaflourish,Ipulledthedishtoweloffthes’moresplatterI’dassembled.
“Whoa.”
“Let’sgo,ladies,”Knoxcalledfromoutside.
“Youheardtheman,”Isaid,nudginghertowardthedoor.
“Hemakesyousmile.”
“What?”
“Knox.Hemakesyousmile.Alot.Andhelooksatyoulikehelikesyoualot.”
Ifeltmycheeksflush.“Oh,yeah?”
Shenodded.“Yeah.It’scool.”
Weatetoomanys’moresandsataroundthecampfireuntildark.IexpectedKnoxtomakeanexcusetoheadhome,buthefollowedusinsideandhelpedmecleanupwhileWaylay—andWaylon—wentupstairstobrushherteeth.
“Ithinkmydogisinlovewithyourniece,”Knoxobserved.Hepulledanopenbottleofwineandabeeroutofthefridge.
“There’sdefinitelyacrushhappening,”Iagreed.
Hepulledoutawineglass,filledit,andhandedittome.
Okay,maybethereweretwocrusheshappening.
“Thanksfordinner,”hesaid,openinghisbeerandleaningbackagainstthecounter.
“Thanksforharanguingthesalesguyintosubmission,”Isaid.
“It’sagoodvehicle,”hesaid,hookinghisfingersinthewaistofmyshortsanddrawingmecloser.
We’dspentthemajorityofthedaytogether,butwithouttouching.IthadbeenaspecialkindoftorturetobesoclosetoamanwhomademefeelsomuchIforgottothinkyetnotbeabletoreachoutandtouchhim.
Hesmelledlikesmokeandchocolate.Mynewfavoritescent.Icouldn’thelpit.Iwantedtotastehim.SoIdid.Bringingmymouthtohis,Isampledhisflavor.Leisurely.Deliberately.
Hisfreehandcamearoundme,splayingovermylowback,holdingmetohim.
Ibreathedhimin,lettinghisheattakethechilloffmyskin.
Suddenly,therewasthunderonthestairsasbothWaylayandthedogchargeddown.
“Damnit,”Knoxmuttered.
Ijumpedbackandpickedupmywine.
“CanwewatchTVbeforebed?”Waylayasked.
“Sure.I’lljustsaygoodnighttoKnox.”Iwasgivinghimhisout.Themanhadtobeexhausted,andIwassurehehadbetterthingstodothanwatchYouTubeepisodesofteengirlsdoingmakeupwithus.
“I’mupforsomeTV,”hesaid,saunteringintothelivingroomwithhisbeer.Waylaylaunchedherselfatthecouch,curlingintoherfavoritecorner.Thedoghoppedupnexttoher.Knoxtooktheoppositeendandpattedthecushionnexttohim.
SoIsatdownwithmyniece,mysort-ofboyfriend,andhisdog,andwewatchedafifteen-year-oldwith2millionsubscriberstellushowtochoosetherighteyelinerforoureyecolor.
Knox’sarmwaswarmandcomfortingbehindmeonthebackofthecouch.
Fiveminutesintotheepisode,Iheardasoftsnore.Knoxhadhisfeetproppeduponthecoffeetableandhisheadpitchedbackagainstthecushion.Hiseyeswereclosed,andhismouthwasopen.
IlookedatWaylay,andshegrinnedatme.
Knoxsnoredagain,andwebothgiggledquietly.THIRTY-ONESHIFTYINTHESTACKS
Naomi
ThefirstweekofSeptembersteamedintotownwithsummerhumidityandthefirsthintofchangingleaves.Afterafewdaysofsmotheringattention,Nashinsistedhewaswellenoughfordeskdutyandreturnedtoworkafewhoursaday.
ThedreadfulMrs.FelchhadabruptlyannouncedherretirementandmovedtoSouthCarolinatolivewithhersister.Waylayhadacrushonhernewteacher,Mr.Michaels,andshe’djoinedthesoccerteam.We’dsurvivedourfirstofficialinterviewwiththecaseworker,andwhilemyniecehadmadeitknownshewasn’tafanofthevegetablesIwasforcingonher,Ms.Suarezhadscheduledthehomestudy,whichItookasahopefulsign.
WhenIwasn’tcheeringfromthesidelinesorsleepingwithKnoxorabsorbingparentingbooks,Iwasworking.I’dstartedmynewjobatthelibraryandwaslovingit.BetweenHonkyTonkandtheCommunityOutreachdeskatthelibrary,IfeltlikeIwasactuallystartingtofindagroovethatwasallmine.EspeciallysincemostofthetownhadfinallystoppedcallingmeNotTina.
***
Naomi,
God,I’msosorry.Imissyou.Thingsaren’trightherewithoutyou.Ihadnorighttotakemystressoutonyou.Iwasjusttryingtoprovidethebestlifeforyou.IfwewouldhavewaitedlikeI’dwantedtononeofthiswouldhavehappened.
Love,
Warner
***
Iexitedoutofmyemailinboxwithanefficientclickandaquietgroan.
“Warneragain?”Steflookedupfromhislaptop.Thelibrarywasnearlyemptytoday,andmybestfriendhadcommandeeredthetablenexttotheCommunityOutreachdesk.
“Yes,Warneragain,”Isaid.
“Toldyoutostopopeningthem,”Stefsaid.
“Iknow.I’monlyopeningeveryotherone.Progress,right?”
“You’regettingnakedwiththeViking.Youdon’tneedtobeopeninganotherman’swhiny,passive-aggressive,why-aren’t-you-here-to-do-my-laundryemails.”
Iwincedandlookedaroundtomakesurethereweren’tanyeavesdroppingpatrons.“Partofmelikesseeinghimgrovel,evenpassive-aggressively.”
“Fair,”hemused.
“Andanothermorelogicalpartofmerealizesthatnoneofthisactuallymatters.TherelationshipIhadwithWarnerwasnomorerealthantheoneI’mpretendingtohavewithKnox.”
“Speakingof,youtwosurearepretendingalot.”
“Iknowthescore,”Iassuredhim.“WhichismorethanIcansayforwhenIwaswithWarner.Ididn’tgetthatWarnerdidn’treallywanttobewithme.Knoxhasbeennothingbuttransparentwithhisintentions.”
Stefleanedbackinhischairtostudyme.
“What?”Iasked,checkingtomakesureIdidn’thavebreakfastcrumbsonmysweater.
“Awomanasgorgeous,smart,andentertainingasyoushouldn’thavesomanyhalf-assednon-relationships.I’mstartingtothinkthecommondenominatorisyou,Witty.”
Istuckmytongueoutathim.“Realnice,bestie.”
“I’mserious.IpeggedKnoxandhisbaggagewithinthirtysecondsofmeetinghim.Butyoucarryyourscloser.Likeit’sinanemotionalfannypack.”
“Youwouldneverletmewearafannypack,emotionalornot,”Iteased.“Whenarewegoingtotalkaboutthefactyoustillhaven’taskedJeremiahforhisnumber?”
“Never.Besides,hehasn’taskedformineeither.”
Theelevatordoorsopened,andSloaneemerged,pushingabookcart.“How’sitgoinguphere?”Today’snon-librarian-likeoutfitwasslimjeansthatendedabovetheankles,suedepeep-toebooties,andablacksweaterwithheart-shapedelbowpatches.Theframesofherglasseswereredtomatchthehearts.
“Notbad.Stefherejustaccusedmeofcarryingbaggageinanemotionalfannypack,andIgotAgathaandBlazeanappointmentwiththeprobonoelderlawattorneysotheycantalkaboutlong-termcareoptionsforAgatha’sdad,”Isaid.
Sloanedrapedherselfoverthecartandrestedherchininherhands.“Firstofall,greatworkwithourfavoritebikerbabes.Secondly,Stefwiththenever-endingwitticisms,pleasetellmeyouhaveastraightbrother,firstcousin,oroldnephew.I’mnotpicky.”
Stefgrinned.“Ah,butyouare.”
Shewrinkledhernose.“Nevermind.It’sonlyfunwhenyoupickonNaomi.”
“Youknowwhattheysay,”hesaid.
“Yeah,yeah.Ifyoucan’tstandtheheat,stayoffthesecondfloorofthelibrary.”Withthat,shedisappearedintothestackswiththecart.
Afewminuteslater,StefheadedouttotakeaconferencecallregardingoneofhismysteriousbusinessdealswhileIhelpedburlybikerWraithgetanappointmentwiththeclosestSocialSecurityofficeandsentoutanemailtolibrarypatronsaboutOctober’sBookorTreatevents.
Iwasjustfinishinguptakingnotesonthechapteronpubertyinmylatestparentingbookwhensomeoneclearedtheirthroat.
“Excuseme,Iwaswonderingifyoucouldhelpme.”
Hehadhardgreeneyesandshort,spikyredhair.Tattoospeekedoutonthebackofhishandsfromthesleevesofhiswhitebutton-down.Hehadasheepishsmile,anexpensive-lookingwatch,andagoldchainaroundhisneck.
Therewassomethingstrangeaboutthewayhewaslookingatme.
Notthatitwasunusual.AnyonewhohadhadthemisfortuneofmeetingTinagenerallyneededawhiletoadjusttothewholetwinthing.
“HowcanIhelp?”Iaskedwithasmile.
Hetappedtheclosedlaptopunderhisarm.“I’mlookingforsomeonewhocandoalittlelighttechsupport.Thisdarnthingstoppedrecognizingmywirelessmouseandreadingflashdrives.Knowanyonewhocanhelp?”
Hiseyecontactwasintense,anditmademealittleuncomfortable.
“Well,itdefinitelywouldn’tbeme,”Ijokedwithaforcedlaugh.
“Meeither.Mywife’susuallymygo-toforstufflikethis.Butshe’sonabusinesstrip,andIcan’twaituntilshegetsback,”heexplained.“Ijustneedsomeonetohelpmeout.Theydon’thavetobeaprofessionaloranything.I’devenbewillingtopayakid.”
Somethingwasoff.MaybeIwasjusthungry.OrmaybemyCodeRedwascomingup.Ormaybethisguystompedlittersofkittensforahobby,andmykinshipguardianintuitionwasreacting.
TheonlypersonIknewwhofitthebillwasWaylay.AndIwasn’tabouttoletsomeonewhogavemetheheebie-jeebiesanywherenearher.
Iflashedhimasmileafewdegreeswarmerthanperfunctory.“Gosh.Youknowwhat?I’mnewintownandI’mjustgettingmybearings.Idon’tknowanyoneoffthetopofmyhead,butifyougivemeaphonenumberoremailI’llreachoutassoonasIfindaresource.”
Hisindexandmiddlefingersonhislefthanddrummedlightlyonthelidofhislaptop.Onetwo.Onetwo.Onetwo.
Forsomereason,Ifoundmyselfholdingmybreath.
“Youknowwhat?Thatwouldbegreat,”hesaidwithawarmgrin.“Gotapen?”
Relieved,IpushedaKnockemoutPublicLibrarynotepadacrossthedesktohimandheldoutapen.“Hereyougo.”Ourfingersbrushedwhenhetookit,andheheldmygazeforabeattoolong.
Thenhesmiledagainandbenttoscrawlanumberonthepad.“Name’sFlint,”hesaid,tappingthepenoverhisnameforemphasis.Hiseyesskimmedovermynametag.“Naomi.”
Ididnotlikethewayhesaidmynameasifheknewme,asifhewerealreadyintimatelyfamiliarwithme.
“I’msureI’llbeabletofindsomeonetohelp,”Icroaked.
Henodded.“Great.Soonerthebetter.”Flintpickedupthelaptopandgavemeaonce-over.Hetossedmeasalute.“Later,Naomi.”
“Good-bye.”
Iwatchedhimstrolltothestairs.Ittookmeanentireminutetofigureoutwhatwasbotheringme.Itwashishands.Specifically,hislefthand,whichhadn’tsportedaweddingring.
Iwasjustbeingparanoid.MaybeitwasasignthatIwasgettingbetteratthisguardianthing.IbrushedtheencounterasideandheadedintomytinyofficetoaddLocalITSupporttotherunninglistofquestionsIhadforSloane.
Thewomanmighthavebeenpixie-sized,butshecertainlyhadbigideasabouthowtoexpandthelibrary’sservicestothecommunity.Itwasbothexcitingandinterestingtobepartofsomethingthatwassofocusedonhelpingpeople
Ashadowinmydoorwaycaughtmyeye
Ijumpedandslappedahandtomychest.“Craponacracker,Knox.Youscaredthehelloutofme!”
Heleanedagainstthedoorjambandquirkedaneyebrow.“Baby,Idon’twannatellyouhowtodoyourjoboranything,butaren’tyousupposedtonotyellinalibrary?”THIRTY-TWOLUNCHANDAWARNING
Knox
Ihadthingstodo.Businessestorun.Employeestoyellat.ButIwasn’tthinkingaboutallthat.Iwasthinkingabouther.
AndhereIwasinthelibrary,ignoringeverythingelsebecauseIwokeupthinkingaboutherandwantedtoseeher
I’dspentalotoftimethinkingaboutNaomiWittsincesheblewintotown.IwassurprisedthatitonlygotworsethemoretimeIspentwithher.
Shelookedentirelytooprettytoday,standingtherebehindherdesk,lostinsomementaltodolist,wearingacurve-huggingsweaterinaridiculouslyfemalepink.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”sheasked,hersurpriseturningtohappiness.Sheclosedthedistancebetweenus,stoppingjustshyoftouchingme.Ilikedhowshewasalwaysleaningtowardme,intome.Likeherbodywantedtobeasclosetomineaspossibleatalltimes.Itdidn’tfeelclingylikeI’dalwaysthoughtitwould.Itfelt…notterrible.
“ThoughtI’dtakeyoutolunch.”
“Really?”Shelookedthrilledattheinvitation,andIdecidedIdidn’tmindthateither.HavingawomanlikeNaomilookatmelikeIwastheheroofherdayfeltdamngood.
“No,Daisy.Ijustshowedupheretomesswithyou.Yes,really.”
“Well,Iamhungry.”ThoseplushlipspaintedadeeppinkcurvedinaninvitationIwasn’tgoingtoignore.
Iwashungryforsomethingotherthanfood.“Good.Let’sgo.Howlong’syourbreak?”
“Igetanhour.”
ThankfuckingGod.
Aminutelater,wewerewalkingoutofthelibraryandintotheSeptembersun.Isteeredhertowardmypickupwithahandonherlowerback.
“Sowhatfinediningestablishmentwillwebepatronizingtoday?”sheaskedwhenIslidbehindthewheel.
Ireachedintothebackseatanddroppedapaperbaginherlap.Sheopeneditandpeeredinside.
“It’speanutbutterandjelly,”Iexplained.
“Youmademeasandwich.”
“There’schipsintheretoo,”Isaiddefensively.“Andthatteayoulike.”
“Okay.I’mtryingnottobecharmedbythefactthatyoupackedmeapicniclunch.”
“It’snotapicnic,”Isaid,turningthekey.
“Wherearewegoingtoeatournotpicniclunch?”
“ThirdBase,ifyou’reupforit.”
Shesqueezedherkneestogetherandsquirmedalittleinherseat.Herlowerlipsnaggedbetweenherteeth.“Whataboutthehorn?”sheasked.
“Ibroughtablanket.”
“Ablanketandapackedlunch.Definitelynotapicnic,”sheteased.
Shewouldn’tbesosmugwhenIhadmyhanddownthosetightlittlepantsshewaswearing.“Wecouldjustgobackandeatinthebreakroomatthelibrary,”Ithreatened.
Shereachedoverandgrippedmythigh.“Knox?”
Theseriousnessinhertonehadmyguardgoingup.
“What?”
“Thisdoesn’tfeellikewe’repretending.”
Ithumpedmyheadagainstthebackoftheseat.I’dknownthisconversationwouldbecomingandIstilldidn’twanttohaveit.
AsfarasIwasconcerned,we’dbothstoppedpretendingalmostassoonaswestarted.WhenItouchedher,itwasbecauseIwantedto.NotbecauseIwantedsomeonetoseemedoingit.
“Dowehavetodothis,Daisy,whenyou’vegotameterrunningonyourlunchbreak?”
Shelookeddownatherlap.“No.Ofcoursenot.”
Igrittedmyteeth.“Yes,wedo.Ifit’ssomethingyouwanttotalkabout,thentalkaboutit.Stopworryingaboutpissingmeoffbecausewebothknowit’sboundtohappen.”
Hergazeliftedtomine.“Iwasjustwondering…whatwe’redoing.”
“Idon’tknowwhatwe’redoing.WhatI’mdoingisenjoyingspendingtimewithyouwithoutworryingaboutwhatcomesnextorwhathappensinamonthorayear.Whatareyoudoing?”
“Besidesenjoyingspendingtimewithyou?”
“Yeah.”
Thoseprettyhazeleyesreturnedtoherlap.“I’mworryingaboutwhatcomesnext,”sheconfessed.
Inudgedherchinupsoshe’dlookatme.“Whydoestherehavetobesomethingthatcomesnext?Whycan’twebothjustenjoythisthewayitiswithoutworryingourselvestodeathoversomethingthathasn’thappenedyet?”
“That’sjustusuallythewayIoperate,”shesaid.
“Howaboutwetrythismywayforthenextwhile?Mywaygetsyouanon-picniclunchandatleastoneorgasmbeforeonep.m.”
Hercheekswentpink,andwhilehersmilewasn’tasbigastheoneI’dgottenearlierforsurprisingher,itwasgoodenough.“Let’sgo,”shesaid.
Iwentinstantlyhard.AllthethoughtsI’dhadofspreadingheroutonablanket,nakedandwhimperingmyname,rushedback.Iwantedtotasteheroutsideinthesun,thewarmbreeze.Wantedtofeelhermoveundermewhiletherestoftheworldstoodstill.
Ithrewthetruckinreverseandhitthegas.
WemadeitablockbeforeNaomi’sphonerangfromthedepthsofherpurse.Shedugitoutandfrownedatthescreen.“It’sNash.”
Isnatchedthephonefromherandansweredthecall.
“Knox!”shecomplained.
“What?”Isnappedintothephone.
“NeedtotalktoNaomi,”Nashsaid.Hesoundedgrim.
“She’sbusy.Talktome.”
“Itried,asshole.Icalledyoufirst,andyoudidn’tpickup.GotsomenewsaboutTina.”
Therewentmyfuckingpicnic.
***
AsIadmiredtheviewofNaomi’sshapelyassinfrontofme,Iwonderedhowmybrotherwasdealingwiththelongflightofstairswithhisinjuries.Nash’splacewasonthesecondflooraboveWhiskeyClipper.AndwhenI’dbroughthimhomethepreviousweekend,heonlymadeittothetopafterIthreatenedtopickhimupandcarryhim.
HeopenedthedoorjustasIraisedmyfisttoknock.
Helookedpale,tired.Andtheassholehadhisshirtoff,revealinghiswounddressing.Hewasholdingfreshgauzeandarolloftape.
“Youpoorthing,”Naomicrooned,grabbingthesuppliesoutofhishands.“Letmehelpyou.”
NashshotmeasmirkwhenFlorenceNightingalepushedherwayinside.IfhekeptupthewoundedheroroutinewithNaomi,Iwasgoingtoraisehisdamnrentandpushhimdownthestairs.
“Thisbetterbegood,”Iwarnedhim,followingherinside.
Theapartmenthadhighceilings,exposedbrick,andtall,archedwindowsoverlookingMainStreet.Thereweretwobedrooms,abathroomI’dpersonallygutted,andanopenconceptlivingspacewithasmallbutkick-asskitchen.
Hisdiningroomtablewascoveredinpaperworkandwhatlookedlikecasefiles.Heclearlyhadtroublefollowingdoctor’sorders.Morganmendidn’tcaretobetoldwhattodo.
“Sit,”Naomisaid,pullingoutastoolfromthekitchenisland.Heeasedhimselfdownonit,hisjawtightasifjustthatmovementhurt.
“Youtakingyourpainmeds?”Iasked.I’dstrong-armedhimintofillingtheprescription.ButthebottlewasstillsittingnexttothesinkwhereI’dleftit.
Mybrothermetmygaze.“Nope.”
Iknewwhy.Becauseonegenerationhadthepotentialtopoisonthenext.Itwassomethingwebothlivedwith.
“It’snotpretty,Naomi,”Nashwarnedassheheadedtothesinktowashherhands.
“Woundsneverare.That’swhatfirstaidisfor.”
Shedriedherhandsandgavemeasunnysmileasshereturnedtohisside.
“You’renotgoingtofaint,areyou?”Iaskedher.
Shestuckhertongueoutatme.“I’llhaveyouknow,Ihaveextensivefirstaidtraining.”
NashmetmygazeasNaomigentlypeeledthetapefromhisshoulder.
“Afewyearsago,Icameacrossthesceneofacaraccident.Itwaslateatnight,raining.Adeerhadrunoutinfrontofthedriver,andheswervedtomissit.Hehitatreehead-on.Therewasbloodeverywhere.Hewasinsomuchpain,andallIcoulddowasdial911andholdhishand.I’dneverfeltmorehelplessinmyentirelife,”sheexplained
She’dhatethat,Irealized.Thewomanwholivedherentirelifetomakeotherssafeandhappywouldhavehatedfeelinghelplesswhensomeonewasinpain.
“Soyoutookaclass?”Nashguessedassheeasedthegauzeawayfromthewound.
Isawtheclenchinhisjaw,caughtthetightnessinhistone.
Shehissedoutabreath,andIlookedup.
Nash’sshoulderwasbare.Itwasn’tanice,neathole.Itwasachasmofangrytissue,blackstitches,andtherustofdriedblood.
“Itookthreeclasses,”Naomisaid.
Amemorysurfaced.Nashonhisbackontheplayground,freshbloodflowingfromhisnoseasChrisTurkowskisatonhischestandpummeledfistsintomybrother’sface.
ChrishadfaredworsethanNashthatday.I’dgottensuspendedfortwodays.AconsequencebothmydadandIfeltwasworthit.“Familytakescareoffamily,”he’dsaid.Atthetime,he’dmeantit.
Icouldn’tstopstaringatmybrother’swoundsasbloodpoundedinsidemyhead.
“Knox?”Naomi’svoicewasclosernow.
IfelthandsonmyshouldersandrealizedNaomiwasstandinginfrontofme.“Youwannasitdownforaminute,Viking?Idon’tthinkIcanhandletwopatientsatonce.”
RealizingshethoughtIwasgoingtofaint,Iopenedmymouthtoclearupthemisconceptionandexplainthatitwasmanlyrage,notwobblyknees.ButIchangedmymindandwentwithitwhenIrealizedherconcernformehadtrumpedNash’sbulletholes.
Iletherpushmedownintooneoftheleatherarmchairsinthelivingroom
“Youokay?”sheasked,leaningdowntolookmeintheeye.
“Betternow,”Isaid.
Overhershoulder,mybrotherflippedmethebird.
Shebrushedakisstomyforehead.“Stayhere.I’llgetyouaglassofwaterinaminute,okay?”
Nashcoughedsomethingthatsoundedsuspiciouslylike“faker,”butthecoughendedinagroanofpain.
Servedhimright.Ireturnedtheone-fingeredsalutewhenNaomirushedbacktohisside.
“Neversawyougoweakinthekneesatthesightofbloodbefore,”Nashobserved.
“Youwannagettoyourpoint,oristhishowyouwranglesocialcallssincenoonewantstobearoundyourass?”
Naomishotmea“behaveyourself”lookassheopenedafreshstripofgauze.Isawmybrother’sjawgotightwhenshepressedittohiswound.IlookedawayuntilNashclearedhisthroat.
“GotsomenewsonTina,”hesaid.
Naomifroze,holdingastripoftape.“Issheokay?”
Hertwinsisterhadstolenfromher,abandonedherchild,andNaomi’sfirstquestionwaswhetherornotTinawasokay.
Thewomanneededtolearnthatsometiesneededcutting.
“Wedon’tknowherwhereabouts,butitseemslikethere’ssomethingintownthatshedidn’twanttoleavebehind.Wefoundherprintsatthestorageunitbreak-in.”
Itensed,rememberingtheconversationinhishospitalroom.
“Whatstorageunitbreak-in?”Naomiaskedasshemovedontothewoundloweronhistorso.
“Thetrailerparklandlordreportedtwoseparatebreak-ins.Oneathisofficeandoneathisstorageunit,wherehekeepsanythingofvaluethattenantsleavebehind.Thestorageunitwasasmashandgrab.Thelockwasjimmied.Shitwasbroken.Abunchofstuffwasmissing.WefoundTina’sprintsallovertheplace.”
Iforgotaboutmyfakefaintingspellandgotoutofthechair.“It’sasmallfuckingtown,”Ipointedout,crossingtothekitchen.“Howthehellisshesneakingaroundwithoutanyonespottingher?”
“Gotatheoryonthat.Wegotsomefootagefromasecuritycameraattheentrance,”Nashsaid,usinghisgoodarmtopullafilefolderclosertohim.Hetippeditopen,andagrainyphotoshowedawomanwithlong,darkhairdressedinalongdress.
Naomileanedacrossmybrothertopeeratthephoto.Iwasn’tcertain,butIthoughtNashlookedlikehewassniffingherhair.
Idraggedherintomyside,awayfrommybrother,andhandedherthephoto.
“Whatthefuck?”ImouthedatNash
Heshrugged,thenwinced.
“Stubbornfuckingidiot,”Imuttered.IguidedNaomitoastooloutofNash’sreach,thenstompedovertothesink.Hestillkepthisover-the-countershitandhisexcessivecollectionofsupplementsinthecabinet.IgrabbedabottleofTylenolandpouredaglassoftapwater,thenslidbothacrossthecountertomydumbassbrother.
Ispottedabakingdishonthecounterwithsomekindofdessertinit.Liftingtheplasticwrap,Isniffed.Peachcobbler.Nice.
SinceIwasmissingoutonmyownlunchandNashwastoblame,Igrabbedafork.
“That’smydress,”Naomisaid,handingthephotobacktoNash.She’dgonepale.Isnatcheditoutofhishandandstaredattheimage.
Fuck.Itwasherdress.
“Figuredshewasdressinglikeyouincasesheranintoanyoneintown,”Nashexplained.“Shemusthavegrabbeditwhenshebrokeintoyourmotelroom.”
Naomiwasbitingherlipagain.
“What’swrong?”Idemanded.
Sheshookherhead.“Nothing.
Mybullshitdetectorwasactivated.
“Daisy.”
“It’sjustTinausedtodothatwhenwewerekids.Iwashomesickonceoursophomoreyearofhighschool.Shewenttoschooldressedlikemeandtoldmyhistoryteacher—whoIhadacrushon—togofuckhimself.Igotdetention.Allbecausemyparentsgavemethecartheweekendbeforebecauseshewasgrounded.”
Christ.
“Youbetternothavekeptyourmouthshutandsatthroughdetention,”Isnapped,throwingtheforkinthebakingdishindisgust.
“Didshegetwhateveritwasshewanted?”NaomiaskedNash.
“Wedon’tknow.IheardthatTinagotherselfhookedupwithsomenewguyafewweeksback.Luciandidalittledigging.SaidthenewguywassomebadassoutofD.C.andTinabraggedtoacoupleoffriendsthattheyhadabigscorecomingup.”
“Isthatmymom’speachcobbler?”sheasked,noddingatthedishIheld.
“Shestoppedbythismorningtodropitoff.Shealsostolemylaundryandwateredmyplants.”
Naomigavehimawobblysmile.“Welcometothefamily.Preparetobesmothered.”
Somethingwaswrong,andshewastryingtohideit.Iputdownthecobblerandpickedupthepictureagain.
“Fuck.”
“What?”Nashasked.
“Isawyouinthisdress.Outsidetheshop,”Isaid,rememberingherstandinginthewindowofWhiskeyClipperwithLizaandWaylay.She’dlookedlikeasummervisioninthedress.
Hercheeksweren’tpalenow.Theywereflushed.
“WhichmeansTinadidn’ttakethisfromthemotel.Shebrokeintothecottage.”
Naomibusiedherselfbyorganizingthefirstaidsupplies.
Nashsworeandrubbedhisgoodhandoverhisface.“IneedtocallGrave.”
Hegotupandsnatchedhisphoneoffthediningtable.“Yeah,Grave,”hesaid.“We’vegotanewproblem.”
IwaiteduntilheheadedintohisbedroombeforeturningmyattentionbacktoNaomi.“Shebrokeintoyourplace,andyouweren’tgonnasayaword.”
ShelookedupasIroundedtheisland.Sheheldupherhands,butIkeptcominguntilherpalmswerepressedagainstmychest.“Youdonotkeepshitlikethatfromme,Naomi.Youowehernothing.Youcan’tliveyourwholelifeprotectingpeoplewhodon’tfuckingdeserveit.Notwhenitputsyoursafetyatrisk.”
Shewinced,andIrealizedIwasyelling.
“Whatareyouthinking?YouhaveWay.IfTinaandsomelow-lifecriminalfuckbuddyarebreakingintoyourfuckinghouse,youdon’tcoverthatshitup.Youdon’tprotectthebadguy—youprotectthekid.”
Sheshovedme,butIdidn’tbudge.
“Yousawmymotelroom.YouheardwhatNashsaid—thestorageunitwastrashed.That’swhatmysisterdoes.Shedestroys,”Naomisnapped.“IfTinabrokeintothecottage,shewouldhavewreckedtheplace.Shenevercouldstandtheideaofmehavinganythingnicerthanwhatshedid.Soyeah.MaybeInoticedafewthingsoutofplaceonceortwice,andIchalkedituptoWaylayoryouorLiza.ButTinadidn’tbreakin.”
“Whatareyousayin’?”
Shewetherlips.“Whatifsomeoneletherin?”
“SomeonemeaningWaylay?”
NaomishotanervousglanceinNash’sdirection.“WhatifTinagotwordtoherthatsheneededaccess,andWaylayleftadoorunlocked?Youweretheonewhoyelledatmeforleavingthebackdoorunlocked.OrwhatifTinatoldherwhatsheneeded,andWaylaygotitforher?”
“YouthinkthatkidwouldgiveTinathetimeofdayaftershe’shadafewweekswithyou?Withyourparents?Hell,evenfuckingStefandLiza.Youmadeonebighappyfamilyforher.Whywouldsheriskfuckingthatup?”
“Tinaishermother,”Naomiinsisted.“Familydoesn’tstopbeingfamilyjustbecauseoneofyoudoesshittythings.”
“That’sexactlywhathappenstofamilies,andyouneedtoquitthisloyaltytoyourfuckingsister.Shedoesn’tdeserveit.”
“It’snotloyaltytoTina,youidiot,”Naomishoutedback.Sheshovedagainstmychestagain,butIwasimmovable.
“Educateme,”Iinsisted.
“IfWaylayhadanythingtodowithlettingTinain,howisthatgoingtolookintheguardianshiphearing?HowamIfittotakecustodywhenIcan’tevenkeepcriminalsoutofmyhouse?They’lltakeherawayfromme.I’llhaveletherdown.I’llhaveletmyparentsdown.Waylaywillendupwithstrangers—”Hervoicehitched.
Igrabbedherandpulledherintome.“Baby.Stop.”
“Itried,”shesaid,fingerscurlingintomyt-shirt.
“Triedwhat?”
“ItriednottohateTina.Mywholelife,Itriedsohardnottohateher.”
Icuppedthebackofherheadandburiedherfaceinmyneck.
“Don’tfuckingcry,Daze.Notoverher.You’vegivenherenough.”
Shesuckedinabreathandblewitout.
“Youcanusemeasapillowifyouwannascreamitout,”Ioffered.
“Don’tbesweetandfunnyrightnow.”
“Baby,thosearetwothingsnoonehaseveraccusedmeofbeing.”
Shepulledbackandtookanothersteadyingbreath.“ThisisnotwhatIwasexpectingwhenyousaidyouweretakingmetolunch.”
“Iexpectedtheyelling,justthoughtwe’dbedoingitnaked.Wegood?”
Herfingersweretracinglittlecirclesagainstmychest.“We’regood.Fornow.I’mgoingtogocollectmyselfinthebathroom.”
“I’mgonnaeatsomemoreofyourmom’scobbler.”
ShegavemeanotheroneofthosewobblysmilesthatmademefeelthingsIdidn’twanttofeel.Ireachedoutandtuckedherhairbehindherear.“It’sgonnabefine.Noone’stakin’Way.NashandI’lltakecareofit.”
Shenuzzledhercheekagainstmyhand.“Youcan’tsolvemyproblemsforme.”
“Oh,butyoucansolveeveryoneelse’s?”Ipointedout.“Yougottastopworryingaboutmakingeverythingokayforeveryoneelseandstartthinkin’aboutmakingitokayforyou.”
Shedidn’tsayanything,butIfeltlikemywordshadlanded.
Igaveheraplayfulslapontheass.“Goon.Goscreamintosomehandtowels.”
Aminutelater,Nashcameoutofthebedroom.“Graveissendingsomeboysouttoseeifwecanliftanyprints.Where’sNaomi?”
“Bathroom.Youfindanyprintsinthelandlord’soffice?”IaskedNash.
Heshookhishead.“Itwasacleanjob.”
“Whataretheoddstheysplitup?Tinatookthestorageunit,andtheboyfriendtooktheoffice.”
Nashthoughtaboutit.“Itplays.”
“Naomidoesn’tthinkTinabrokein.She’sworriedWayletTinain.Worriedhowthat’llplayintheguardianshipshit.”
Nashblewoutabreath.“AnyjudgethatlooksatthosetwosistersanddecidesNaomiisn’tfithastheirrobeontootight.”
“She’saworrier.WhichiswhyIdon’twantherworryingaboutsomestrangersneakin’intoherhomeandgoingthroughherthings.”
“Betterthedevilyouknow,”hesaid.
Inodded.
“Speakingof,yougoingtoseehimthisweekend?”Nashasked.
DeliberatelyItookanotherforkfulofcobblereventhoughmyappetitewassuddenlygone.“Ifhe’sthere.”
“Givehimthisfromme.”Nashlimpedovertothetableandpickedupabackpack.“Andmaybethinkaboutnothandingovercash.”
“You’reluckyI’mtiredoffightingaboutthis,”Itoldhimandtookthebag.
“PeoplekeeptellingmehowluckyIam,”hesaid.
“You’restillhere,aren’tyou?”
“Yourememberwhatshewaswearingwhenshewalkedbyyourwindow,”hesaid,noddingatthebathroomdoor.
“Yeah.So?”
“Shemeanssomethingtoyou.”
“Doesbloodlossmakeyoustupid?”Iwondered.
“I’mjustsayin’,youcareabouther.Anyotherwomanyouwouldn’thavebotheredcallingheronherownbullshit.Youwouldn’thaveknownanyotherwomanwellenoughtoknowshewasbullshittingyou,letalonecarethatshewas.”
“Gettingtoyourpointanytimesoon?”
“Yeah.Don’tfuckituplikeyouusuallydo.”THIRTY-THREEASWIFTKICK
Naomi
“Whydokids’sportsstartatsuchungodlyhours?Andwhyisthegrasssowet?Lookattheseshoes.They’llneverrecover,”Stefcomplainedaswesetupourfoldingchairsonthesidelineofthesoccerfield.
“It’snineinthemorning,notfoura.m.,”Isaiddryly.“MaybeifyouandLizahadn’tmadeandthendrankanentirepitcherofmargaritaslastnight,youwouldn’tbecringinglikeavampireatthelightofday.”
Hecollapsedintohischair,lookingimpossiblystylishinRaybansandathickknitsweater.“ItwasmylastnightintownbeforemytriptoParis.Icouldn’tsaynotomargaritas.Besides,it’seasytobeSuzySunshinewhenyou’regettinglaidregularly.”
“Zipit,BettyBigMouth,”Isaid,shootingalookattherestofWaylay’scheeringsection.MyparentsweresittingwithLiza,whodidn’tseemanytheworseforwearforherhalfofthemargaritas.Momwasdoinghermomthingandintroducingherselftoeveryoneinatwenty-footradius,askingthemthenamesoftheirplayersandproudlypointingoutWaylayinhernumbersixjersey.
Wraith,badassbikerandsilverfox,strodedownthesideline.HewaswearingaMetallicat-shirt,blackjeans,andascowlperfectlyframedbyhisgrayFuManchumustache.“Lookinglovelyasalways,Liza,”hesaidwithawolfishsmile.
“Peddlethatcharmsomeplaceelse,bikerboy,”sheshotback.ButInoticedtwodotsofcoloronhercheeks.
“Bringitin,Knock’EmOuts,”Wraithbellowed.Fifteengirlsinallshapes,sizes,andcolorsjoggedandskippedtheirwayovertotheunlikelyheadcoach.
“Thatguylookslikeaprobationviolation,notagirlssoccercoach,”Stefobserved.
“That’sWraith.HisgranddaughterDelilahistheonewiththepigtails.Sheplaysforward.She’sunbelievablyfast,”Itoldhim.
Waylaylookedupfromherteamhuddleandwavedatme.Igrinnedandwavedback.
Therefblewtwoshortblastsonthewhistle,andtwogirlsfromeachteamjoggedtothecentercircle.“What’shappening?Didthegamestart?”Stefasked.
“They’redoingthecointoss.You’reluckyyou’resopretty.Whatifyourfuturehusbandisintosports?”
Stefshuddered.“Perishthethought.”
“Thecointossdetermineswhichteamgetstheballforkickoffandwhichdirectionthey’retryingtoscore.”
“Lookatyou,soccermom,”heteased.
Self-consciously,IstraightenedmyKnock’EmOuthoodie.Thankstoaschoolfundraiser,Inowownedacapsulewardrobeofschoolcheergear.ThemascotwasanoversizeboxingglovenamedPunchythatIfoundbothcharmingandinappropriate.
“Imayhavedonealittlereadinguponthesport,”Isaid.I’ddonealotofresearch.I’drereadRockBottomGirlandwatchedTedLasso,BenditLikeBeckham,andShe’stheManforgoodmeasure.
Thewhistleonthefieldsignaledthestartofthegame,andIcheeredalongwiththerestofthecrowdastheactiongotunderway.
Twominutesintoplay,IwasholdingmybreathandStef’shandinadeathgripasWaylaygottheballandstarteddribblingforthegoal.
“Go,Waylay!Go!”Dadshoutedashecameoutofhischair.
Whenweweretenyearsold,Tinahadplayedsoftballforoneseason.Dadhadbeenherbiggestfan.Itwasnicetoseehehadn’tlosthisenthusiasm.
WaylayfakedamovetotherightbeforeheadingintheoppositedirectionaroundthedefenderandfiringoffapasstoChloe,Sloane’sniece.
“Thatwasgood,right?”Stefasked.“Itlookedgood.Sneakyandfullofdeception.”
“Thecoachsaysshe’sanatural,”Isaidproudlybeforeyelling,“Go,Chloe!”
Chloelosttheballoutofbounds,andplaywaspausedsothreeplayerscouldtietheirshoelaces.
“Anatural.That’simpressive.”
“She’squick,she’ssneaky,she’sateamplayer.There’sjustoneortwolittlekinksthatneedworkingout.”
“Whatkindofkinks?”Stefasked.
“WhatdidImiss?”SloaneappearednexttomeinjeansandaNirvanatanktopunderasoftgraycardigan.Shehadherpinkandblondehairpiledhighinaknotontopofherheadandstylishsunglasses.Herlipswerepaintedrubyred.ShewavedtoChloeandploppeddowninherowncampchair.
“Justthefirsttwominutes.Noscore.AndWraithhasn’tscreamed‘Comeon,ladies!’yet,”Ireported.
Oncue,theburlybikercuppedhishandstohismouthandshouted,“Comeon,ladies!”
“Andallwasrightwiththeworld,”Sloanesaidwithasatisfiedsmile.“AnyyellowcardsforWayyet?”
Ishookmyhead.“Notyet.”Thoughifthepasttwogameswereaccuratepredictors,itwasonlyamatteroftime.
“Isthatlikeanaward?”Stefasked.
“Notexactly,”shesaid,winkingatmebeforeturningbacktomybestfriend.“You’relookingannoyinglygorgeoustoday.”
Hepreened,fluffingthecollarofhissweater.“Why,thankyou,SexyLibrarian.Lovethoseboots.”
Shekickedupherfeettoadmiretheknee-highwaterprooffootwear.“Thanks.IdiscoveredearlyoninChloe’ssoccercareerthatIwasn’tafanofwetshoesandsquishysocks.”
“Nowshetellsme,”hecomplained.
“Bytheway,lovingthiswholecurlyvibe,”Sloanesaid,wavingherhandinfrontofmyface.
Itossedmyhairdramatically.“Thanks.Waylayshowedmeatutorial.”
“We’rethenewgenerationofhotsoccermoms,”Stefdecided.
“I’lldrinktothat,”Sloaneagreed,hoistinghertumblerthatsaidThisisDefinitelyNotWine.
“Sowhere’syourhotsoccerdaddy?”Stefaskedme.
“ThankGodsomeoneasked,”Sloanesaid,shiftinginherchair.“HereareallthequestionsI’vestoredup.Howgoodisthesex?Isheasgrumpyimmediatelyafterorgasmasheistherestofthetime,oraretherecracksinthestonyfacadethatrevealthesoft,teddybearheartbeatingbeneath?”
“Hashetornanyclothingoffyourbody?”Stefasked.“Ifso,IknowaguywhomakesentirewardrobeswithVelcroclosures.”
“Ofcourseyoudo,”Isaiddryly.
Sloaneleanedforward.“Isheaflowersandacook-you-dinnerkindofguy?Orishemoreofagrowl-at-any-man-who-dares-to-look-at-your-boobsdude?”
“Definitelyagrowler,”Stefdecided.
“Youguys!Myparentsandhisgrandmotherarerightthere,”Ihissed.“Besides,we’reatachildren’ssoccergame.”
“She’sgoingtotellushowinappropriatewe’rebeingbutwhatshedoesn’trealizeishoweveryconversationhappeningaroundthisfieldisaboutsex,”hecomplained.
“Theyarenot,”Iinsisted.
“Oh,believeme.Theyare.Chloe’sbeenplayingsinceshewassix.Thosedadsovertheremightlooklikethey’retalkingaboutpowertoolsandlawnmowers,butthey’reactuallytalkingaboutvasectomies,”Sloanesaid,pointingatagroupofdadshuddledtogethernexttothebleachers.
“Iforget.DidyoutelluswhyKnoxisn’there?”Stefsaid,feigninginnocence.
Isighed.“He’snotherebecauseIdidn’tinvitehim.”WhatIdidn’ttellthemwasIdidn’tinvitehimbecauseIdidn’tthinkhe’dcome.KnoxMorgandidn’tseemlikethetypeofmanwhowouldwillinglyshowupatakid’ssportingeventandmakesmalltalkforanhour.
Hewasthekindofmanwhopinnedyoudownandmadeyoucomeinpositionsthatshouldn’thavebeenpossible.Likelastnightwhenhe’dpressedmeflatonmystomachandenteredmefrombehind—
Myinnerwallsclenchedinvoluntarilyatthedecadentmemory.
“Whydidn’tyouinvitehim?”Sloanepressed,ignoringthegameinfavorofthesidelineinquisition.
Irolledmyeyes.“Idon’tknow.Probablybecausehewouldn’thavecome.AndIdon’twantWaylaytogettoousedtohimbeingaround.”
“Naomi,Isaythiswithlove.ThisisthefirsttimesincehighschoolKnoxhasdatedanyoneintown.That’shuge.Itmeansheseessomethingspecialaboutyouthathehasn’tseeninanyoneelse.”
Ifeltlikeafraud.
Iwasn’tspecial.Ihadn’tlandedanever-falling-in-lovebachelor.I’dgottensweptupinanadmittedlyscorchinghotone-nightstand,andhe’dgottencaughtintheconsequencesofbangingagoodgirl.
“IsthatNash?”Stefasked,mercifullychangingthesubject.
Ilookedupandspottedhimamblingslowlyinmydirection.
Sloanehummed.“ThoseMorganbrotherssurewerebuilttocatchtheeye.”
Shewasn’twrong.
NashMorganlookedeverybitthewoundedhero.Inoticedquiteafewofthemomsandevenoneortwoofthedadsthinkingthesamething.Hewaswearingwornjeansandalong-sleevedHenley.Hehadabaseballcappulleddownlow,andInoticedhe’dditchedtheslingforhisarm.Hewalkedslowly,carefully.Itlookedcasual,butIguessedthepacewasdictatedmorebypainandexhaustionthanbyadesiretolookcool.
“Mornin’,”hesaidwhenhearrived.
“Hey,”Isaid.“Wantaseat?”
Heshookhishead,eyesonthefieldastheKnock’EmOutsplayeddefense.
Waylayglancedupandspottedhimandwaved.
Hewavedwithhisgoodarm,butIsawthegrimaceunderthesmile.
Themanshouldbesittingathomerestingandhealing,notstrollingaroundtownwithouthissling.IrealizedmyannoyancewithhisbrotherwasspillingoverontoNash.
“Sit,”Iinsisted,rising.Iallbutmanhandledhimintomychair.
“Idon’tneedtosit,Naomi.Idon’tneedtobeathomeresting.IneedtobeoutheredoingwhatI’mgoodat.”
“Andwhat’sthat?”Iasked.“Lookinglikeyougothitbyafleetofschoolbuses?”
“Ouch,”Stefsaid.“Betterlistentoher,Chief.She’smeanwhenshe’sriled.”
“Idon’tgetriled,”Iscoffed.
“Youshouldberiledgiventhebombthatgotdroppedonyou,”Nashsaid.
Uh-oh.
“Ichangedmymind.Youcanstandupandwalkaway,”Idecided.
Helookedsmugthen.“Youdidn’ttellthem?”
“Telluswhat?”SloaneandStefsaidatthesametime.
“Ididn’tgetachance,”Ifibbed
“Didyougetachancetotellyourparents?OrLizaJ,seein’ashowsheownsthepropertyinquestion?”
“What’shappeningrightnow?”Sloanewondered.
Stef’seyesnarrowed.“Ithinkourclose-mouthedlittlefriendhereiskeepingmorefromusthanjustherexploitsinbed.”
“Oh,forPete’ssake,”Ihuffed.
“Naomididn’tmentiontoyouthatTinawasconnectedtoabreak-inintown?”Nashasked,knowingfullwellIhadn’t.
“Shemostdefinitelydidn’tmentionthat.”
“Howaboutthatinordertocommittherobbery,TinabrokeintoNaomi’scottageandstoleoneofherdresses?”
Sloanetiltedhersunglassesdownhernosetolookatme.“Notcool,babe.Notcoolatall.”
“Shepulledtheol’WrongTwinagain,didn’tshe?”Stefasked,notlookingatme.Itwasn’tagoodsign.
“Look.Ijustfoundoutaboutthis—”
“Itoldyouthreedaysago,Naomi,”Nashremindedme.
“I’mnotrealclearonthelawinVirginia.Isitokaytoputducttapeoverapoliceofficer’smouth?”
“Notwhenhe’sontheclock,”Nashsaidwithagrin.
“Whywouldn’tyoutellus?Whywouldn’tyousaysomething?Ifweneedtobeonthelookoutforyoursister,it’sbetterifweknowaboutit,”Sloanepointedout.
“LetmeexplainsomethingaboutourlittleWittyhere,”StefsaidtoSloane.
“Andherewego,”Imuttered.
“See,Naomidoesn’tliketoinconvenienceanyonebydoinganythingannoyingliketalkingaboutwhat’swrong.Askingforhelp.Orstandingupforwhatsheneedsandwants.Shepreferstoscurryaroundlikeamouse,makingsureeveryoneelse’sneedsaremet.”
“Well,that’sjustfuckedup,”Sloanedecided.
Iwinced.“Look,guys.Iunderstandthatyou’reconcerned.Igetit.Iamtoo.Butrightnow,mypriorityistogetcustodyofmyniece.Idon’thavethetimeortheenergytoworryaboutanythingelse.”
“Youreviltwinhasbeeninyourhousethatyousharewithherdaughter,”Sloaneinterjected.
“Shestolefromyou.Shecommittedacrimedisguisedasyousoonceagainyou’dbetheonetopaytheconsequences.Andyoudidn’tthinkitwasworthmentioning?”
“Thanksalot,Nash,”Isaid.
Sloanecrossedherarmsoverherchest.“Don’tblameamanwhojusttooktwobullets,”shesaid.
“Guys,don’tyouthinkyou’reoverreacting?”
“No.We’rereactingappropriately.You’retheonewhoisunderreacting.Yoursafety,Waylay’ssafety,isontheline.Thatdeservesareaction,”Stefsaid.
Ilookeddownatmyhands.
“SoitwouldmakeyouallfeelbetterthatIamterrified,frozeninthecoreofmysoul,fearfulthatsomethingisgoingtohappenandWaylayisgoingtobetakenawayfromme.Thatsomestrangerisgoingtoendupraisingmyniece,orworse,thatmysister,thepersonI’msupposedtobeclosesttointhisworld,couldcomewaltzingbackintotownandtakeherfrommewithoutmeknowing.ThatbetweentryingtoprovetoacaseworkerwhokeepsseeingmeatmyworstthatI’mthemostresponsibleoptionshehas,holdingdowntwojobs,andremindingalittlegirlthatnoteverythinghastobethewayitwasforthefirstelevenyearsofherlife,youwantmetopencilinaconversationabouthowIhavetoexhaustmyselfjustsoIcansleepatnightandnotstareattheceilingthinkingofallthewaysthiscouldgohorriblywrong.”
“Uh,yeah.Thatwouldmakemefeelbetterthanbeingintentionallycutout,”Sloanesaid.
“Thankyou,”Stefsaid.“Nash,youwannabringthishomeforus?”
“Naomi,you’vegotalotofpeoplewhocareaboutyou.Maybeit’stimeyouletthemtakecareinsteadofyoudoingallthecare-takingforonce.”
Istuckoutmychin.“I’lltakethatunderadvisement,”Isaid.
“That’shersnootytone,”Stefsaid.“There’snogettingthroughuntilshecalmsdown.”
“I’mgoingforawalk,”Isaidhuffily.
Ihadn’tmadeitveryfarwhenIheard,“Naomi,holdup.”
Iwantedtokeepwalking,tofliphimthemiddlefinger,butbecauseIwasme,IstoppedinmytracksandwaitedforNashtocatchup.
“I’mnotdoingthistopissyouoff,”hesaid.HiseyeswerebluerthanKnox’s,buttheyburnedwiththatsameMorganintensitythathadmystomachflippingupsidedownandinsideout.“Youneedtobeonthelookout.Yourfamilyneedstotoo.Keepingshitlikethisfromthemisirresponsible,andthat’sthekindofthingthatdoesn’tlookgoodinguardianshipcases.”
“YousaidIhadnothingtoworryabout!”
“I’mspeakingtoyouinalanguageyouunderstand.Beingaguardian,beingaparent,itisn’taboutgettinggoldstarsfromsomeauthorityfigure.It’saboutdoingwhat’srightevenwhenit’shard.Especiallywhenit’shard.”
Easyforhimtosay,acaseworkerhadn’tcaughthimmostlynakedafteraone-nightstand.
Hereachedoutandgrippedmyshoulderwithonehand.“Doyouhearme?”heasked.
“I’dthinkrealhardaboutremovingthathandifIwereyou.”
Myheadswiveled,andthat’swhenIsawhim.Knoxsaunteringourway.Buttherewasnothingcasualaboutthelookinhiseyes.Helookedpissed.
NashkepthishandwhereitwasevenasKnoxsteppedintoourlittletwosome.
Asecondlater,IfoundmyselfhauledupagainstKnox’sside,hisarmdrapedovermyshoulder.Ouraudiencewasdividingitsattentionbetweentheplayonthefieldandthedramaoffit.
Ismiledlikewewerechitchattingaboutbutterfliesandtheweather.
Thebrothersglaredateachother.
“Iwasjustremindingyourgirlherethatfamilytakescareoffamily,”Nashsaid.
“Nowyou’redoneremindingher.Whydon’tyougetyourassbackhomeandrestthefuckupsoyou’reinshapetotakecareoffamily?”
“I’menjoyingthegame.ThinkI’llstickaround,”Nashsaid.“Goodtoseeyou,Naomi.”
IsaidnothingandwatchedhimwanderovertoLizaandmyparents.NeitheroftheMorganbrothersappearedtobeingoodmoodsinthemornings.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,tiltingmyheadbacktolookatKnox.
HisgazewasonthefieldwhereNinamissedtheballentirelyandinsteadconnectedwiththeshinsoftheopposingplayer.
“Heardtherewasagame.ThoughtI’dswingby.”
Histhumbwasrubbinglazycirclesagainstmyupperarm.Ifeltatinglingthatoriginatedatthesiteofhistouchandtraveledthroughtherestofmybody.Mygrumpy,tattooedsort-ofboyfriendhaddraggedhimselfoutofbedonanearlySaturdaymorningafteraclosingshiftatthebarjusttoshowupformeandWaylay.Iwasn’tsurewhattodowiththatinformation.
“It’searly,”Ipointedout.
“Yep.”
“Nashisjustworried,”Isaid,tryingtomovetheconversationalong.
“Hedoesthat.”
Thecrowdnoisepickedup,andthegamedrewmyattention.IfeltKnoxtensebesidemeasWaylayinterceptedapassanddribbleddownthefield.
“Goalltheway,Way,”Wraithyelled.
“Keepgoing,Waylay,”Dadshouted.
“Comeon,kid,”Knoxsaidunderhisbreath,hisattentionrivetedonthenumbersixjersey.
MyfingerscurledintoKnox’sshirtassheclosedinonthegoal.
Justassherearedherlegbacktolettheballfly,anotherplayerranintoher,andtheybothdroppedtotheground.
Therewasacollectivegroanfromthefans.
NinaandChloepulledWaylaytoherfeet,andIsawhowredherfacewas.
“Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh,what?”Knoxasked.
“Whattheshit,ref?”Waylaybellowed.
“Ah,crap,”Iwhispered.
“Didshejustsay‘shit’totheref?”Knoxasked.
TherefereeblewthewhistleandstrodeuptoWaylay,digginginhisfrontpocket.
Igroanedastheyellowcardwasproducedandheldupinfrontofmyniece’smutinouslittleface.
“Shedoesthiseverygame.It’slikeshecan’tcontrolhermouth,”Igroaned.
“Comeon,ref,”Wraithyelled.“Thatwasafoul.”
“Sorry,coach.Can’tusethatlanguageonthefield,”therefereesaid.
Waylayopenedhermouthagain.ThankfullyChloehadtheforesighttoslapahandoverthegapingchasmoffour-letterwords.Waylayfoughtagainsther.
“Thisisherthirdyellowcardinthreegames.Ican’tgethertostop.”
Knoxstuckhisfingersinhismouthandwhistled.EveryonelookedinourdirectionincludingWaylay.
“Way,”hesaid,crookinghisfinger.“Getoverhere.”
Chloereleasedher,andWaylay,gazeonherfeet,cheeksred,marchedovertotheline.
KnoxreleasedmeandhookedWaylaybythebackoftheneck.
“Igetit,kid.Ido.Butyoucan’tsaythatshitonthefieldorinschool.”
“Whynot?Yousayit.Mymomsaysit.”
“We’readultsandwedon’thaveabunchofotheradultsbreathin’downournecks,tellinguswhatnottodo.”
“SowhatamIsupposedtodo?Igottripped!Icouldhavescored.”
“Yousayitasloudasyouwanttoinyourhead.Youletitcomeoutofyoureyes,yourpores,everyexhale,butyoudonotsayitonthefieldagain.You’refuckin’betterthanthat,Way.You’vegotatemper,butthere’sahellofalotmorepowerincontrollingitthanlettingitfly.Useit,orit’lluseyou.Yougetme?”
Shenoddedsolemnly.“Ithinkso.WhencanIswear?”
“Whenyouandmearewatchingfootball.”
Waylay’sgazeslidtomyface,gaugingmyreaction.
“Don’tyouworryaboutyouraunt.She’sproudashellofyou.Butyou’reonlyholdingyourselfbackwhenyoublowuplikethat.Solet’sgivehersomethingelsetobeproudabout.Yeah?”
Shesighed.Thennoddedagain.“Yeah.Okay.ButIgettoswearwhenwewatchfootball?”
“Damnrightyoudo,”Knoxsaid,rufflingherhair.
“AndwhenI’mnotinschoolanymore?”
“Youcanswearasmuchasyoufuckingwantafteryou’reoutofcollege.Maybegradschooltoo,ifyouwantaPhDorsomeshit.”
Thecornerofhermouthlifted.
“That’sbetter,”hesaid.“Now,getyourassoutthereandputtheballinthebackofthenetsowecangeticecreamafter.”
“Butit’smorning,”shesaid,againlookingatmeasifIweresomeanti-swearing,anti-icecreammonster.
“Nobettertimeforicecreamthanafterabigwin,”heassuredher.
Shegrinnedupathim.“Okay.Thanks,Knox.Sorry,AuntNaomi.”
“You’reforgiven,”Iassuredher.“I’malreadyproudofyou.Now,gobeawesome.”
Soitwasn’tmybestadvicetoimpart.ButIwasfeelingratherswoon-likeasKnoxstoodshoulder-to-shoulderwithWraith.Myfather,thenNash,joinedhim.Togethertheycreatedawalloftestosterone,readytoprotectandguidetheirgirls.
“Justwhenyouthinkhecan’tgetanyhotter,”mymomsaid,sidlingupnexttome.
“AreyoutalkingaboutKnoxorDad?”Iasked.
“Both.Allofthemreally.CoachWraithcertainlyhasacharmabouthim.AndNashisjustassexyashisbrother.”
“Mom!”
“It’sjustanobservation.WeWittwomenhaveexcellenttasteinmen.Well,mostofus.”
Icoveredmymouthwithmyhandandtriedtostiflethelaugh.
***
Timewastickingdown,andthescorewasstilltied1-1.
“Let’sgo,ladies!”Wraithshouted.
IsawWaylayglanceourway,caughtthetinysmileonherface,andIfeltthetinglesagain.Shehadacheeringsectionwaitingtocelebratewithher,anditmeantsomethingtoher.
“You’redoinganamazingjobwithher,”Momsaid.
“Really?”
“Lookatthatsmile.Lookathowshekeepsglancingoverhere,reassuringherselfthatwe’reallstillhere.SaywhatyouwillaboutTina,butgivingyouherdaughterwasthebestchoiceshe’severmade.”
Myeyescloudedwithtears.“Thanks,Mom,”Iwhispered.
Sheloopedherarmthroughmine,thentensed.“Shehastheballagain!”
Wraith’sgranddaughterhadgottentangledupwithtwodefendersandsenttheballsailingtoWaylay’sfeet.
“Go!”weshoutedasone,thecrowdcomingtoitsfeet.
MomandIclungtoeachotherasWaylaydribbledaroundthelastdefenderbetweenherandthegoal.
“OhmyGod,I’mgoingtobesick.”
“Let’errip,Waylay,”Momshrieked.
Soshedid.Iheldmybreathaswewatchedtheballsailinslowmotiontowardthegoal.
Thecrowdwasscreaming.IcouldhearStefovereveryoneyelling,“Getitinthenetthing!”
Thegoaliedoveforit.
Buttheballspiraledjustpastherfingertipsintothebackofthenet.
IscreamedalongwithMomaswejumpedupanddowntogether.
“That’smygranddaughter!”Momscreeched.
“Fuckyeah!”Wraithbellowed.
“You’redamnright,”Lizashouted
SloaneandStefwerehuggingeachother.
Therefblewthefinalwhistle.“That’sgame!”
Waylaystoodstock-still,staringattheballinthebackofthenetasifshecouldn’tbelievewhatshe’djustdone.Andthensheturned.Herteammatesracedtoher,shriekingandgiggling.Butshewaslookingbeyondthem.Shewaslookingatme.Andthenshewasrunning.
AndsowasI.Icaughtherwhenshejumpedintomyarmsandswungheraround.
“Youdidit!”
“Didyousee?DidyouseewhatIdid,AuntNaomi?”
“Isaw,honey.I’msoproudofyou!”
“Canwegeticecream,andcanIswearwhenIwatchfootballwithKnox?”
“YesandIguessso.”
Shehuggedmetightaroundtheneckandwhispered,“Thisisthebestdayofmylife.”
Iwastryingtoblinkbacktearswhensomeonepulledherfrommyarms.ItwasKnox,andhewassettlingWaylayonhisshouldersastherestoftheplayersandparentsgatheredaroundtocongratulateher.Knoxshotmeoneofhisrare,full-ongrinsthatmademedizzy.
“SloaneandIhavetalked,andyou’reforgiven,”Stefsaid,slinginghisarmaroundme.
“Aslongaswe’reinvitedforicecream,”Sloaneadded.
“Andincludedinyourlife,”Stefinsisted.
Ipulledthembothinforahardhug,andovertheirshoulders,IsawDadclapKnoxontheback.THIRTY-FOURTHEGROOM
Naomi
Ithreadedthestemoftheearringthroughmylobeandleanedbacktoadmiretheeffect.
“Whatdoyouthink?”IaskedWaylay,whowassprawledacrossmybedonherstomach,chinpillowedinherhands.
Shestudiedtheearrings.“Better,”shedecided.“TheysparklelikeHonkyTonkonyourshirtandtheystandoutmorewhenyoutossyourhair.”
“Idon’ttossmyhair,”Isaid,rufflinghers.Myniecewasmoreandmorewillingtotolerateaffectionfrommethesedays.
“Oh,yes,youdo.WheneveryoucatchKnoxlookingatyou,you’reall…”Shepausedtoshakeoutherblondehairandbathereyes.
“Idonot!”
“Doso.”
“I’mtheadultandI’minchargeandIsayIdon’t,”Iinsisted,floppingdownonthebednexttoher.
“Youalsogetthismushyfacewheneverhewalksintoaroomoryougetatextfromhim.”
“Oh,isitlikethemushyfaceyoumakewheneversomeonesaysMr.Michaels’sname?”Iteased.
Waylay’sfacetransformedintowhatcouldaptlybedescribedasmushy.
“Ha!See!Thatisamushyface,”Isaid,pointingaccusinglyather.
“Youwish,”shescoffed,stillsmiling.“CanIusesomeofyourhairspraysinceyoumessedupmyhair?”
“Sure,”Isaid.
SheslippedoffthebedandpickedupthecanIleftonthedresser.
“Areyousureyoupackedeverythingyouneed?”Iasked,eyingthepinkduffelbaginthedoorway.WaylaywasinvitedtoNina’sbirthdaysleepover.Itwasthefirsttimeshe’dbespendingthenightwithanon-familymember,andIwasfeelingthenerves.
“I’msure,”shesaid.Hertonguepokedoutbetweenherteethasshecarefullybrushedherhairoverherforeheadjustsobeforehittingitwithashotofspray.
“I’mworkingtheclosingshifttonight,soifyoudecideyoudon’twanttospendthenightyoucanjustcallGrandmaandGrandpaorLizaorKnox,andoneofthemwillcomepickyouup.”
Shecrossedhereyesatmeinthemirror.“Whywouldn’tIwanttospendthenight?It’sasleepover.”Shewasalreadydressedinpajamas,arequestontheinvitation.ButshewaswearingthepinksneakersKnoxhadgivenherwiththeever-presentheartcharm.
“Ijustwantyoutoknowthatnomatterwhat,youcanalwayscall,andsomeonewillbethere,”Isaid.“Evenwhenyou’reolder.”
Iclearedmythroat,andWaylayputdownthehairspray.
“What?”sheasked,turningaroundtofaceme.
“Whatwhat?”Ihedged.
“Youalwaysclearyourthroatbeforeyousaysomethingyouthinksomeoneisn’tgoingtolike.”
Damnastutekid.“Haveyouheardfromyourmom?”
Shelookeddownatherfeet.“No.Why?”
“Someonesaidshewasintownnottoolongago,”Isaid.
“Shewas?”Waylayfrownedlikethenewswasdisturbing.
Inodded.“Ididn’ttalktoher.”
“Doesthismeanshe’sgoingtotakemeback?”sheasked.
Istartedtoclearmythroatthenstopped.Ididn’tknowhowtoanswerthat.“Isthatsomethingyou’dlike?”Iaskedinstead.
Waylaywasstaringhardathershoesnow.“I’mokayherewithyou,”shesaidfinally.
Ifeltthetensionreleasefrommyshoulders.“Ilikehavingyouwithme.”
“Youdo?”
“Ido.Evenifyourhairtossingimpressionofmeisterrible.”
Shegrinnedthenstopped.“Shealwayscomesback.”
Itsoundeddifferentwhenshesaiditthistime.Itsoundedmorelikeawarning.
“We’llfigurethatoutwhenwehaveto,”Itoldher.“Let’sgetyoutoyoursleepover.Areyousureyoupackedyourtoothbrush?”
“Geez,AuntNaomi!Thisisn’tmyfirstsleepover!”
“Okay.Okay!Whataboutunderwear?”
***
Me:How’sParis?
Stef:IdranktoomuchchampagneanddancedwithamannamedGaston.Soprettyfuckinggreat.ButIstillmissyouandthefam.
Me:Wemissyoutoo.
Stef:Anydramahappeningthatyou“forgot”totellmeabout?
Me:It’ssonicethatyoudon’tholdagrudge.Andno.NodramatoreportexceptWaylayisgoingtoasleepover.
Stef:Doesthatmeanyou’llbehavingyourownsleepover?Ifso,weartheteddyIsentyou!It’llmeltKnox’smind!Oops.Gottago.Gastonisbeckoning!
***
HonkyTonkonaFridaynightwasarowdytime.Thecrowdswerebig,themusicloud,andnoonecarediftheywerehungoverinthemorning,sothedrinkorderswereplentiful.
IsweptmyhairupoffthebackofmyneckasIwaitedforMaxtofinishkeyinginanorder.
“Where’sKnoxtonight?”Silvercalledfrombehindthebar.
“OutwithLucian,”Iyelledbackover“SweetHomeAlabama.”Thebandwasdecent,buttheyweredrownedoutbythecrowdsingingoverthem.“Hesaidhe’dcomebylater.”
MaxmovedawayfromthePOSandstartedthrowingdrinksontrays.“Tipsaregoodtonight,”shesaid.
“Soundslikeitcouldbeashotsnight,”Isaidwithaneyebrowwiggle.
“There’sanewguyinyoursection,”Maxsaid,pointingtothewallonthefarsideofthedancefloor.“How’sthesleepovergoing?”
“Waymessagedmetotellmetostopmessagingher,andGaelsentmeapictureofthegirlsdoingmani-pedisandfacemasks,”Itoldher.“Shelookslikeshe’shavingthetimeofherlife.”
IdroppedofftwofreshbeersatatableofequestriansandgaveaquickhellotoHinkelMcCordandBudNickelbeeonmywayacrossthebar.
Icaughtaglimpseofthenewpatron.He’dangledhischairagainstthewall,halfinshadow.ButIcouldstillmakeouthisredhair.Theguyfromthelibrary.Theonewhohadaskedabouttechsupport.
Ifeltanervoustickleatthebackofmyneck.MaybehelivedinKnockemout.MaybeIwasoverthinkingit,andhewasjustaregularpersonwithabrokenlaptopwholikedacoldbeeronaFridaynight.
Andmaybehewasn’t.
“Hereyougo,guys,”Isaid,dolingoutdrinkstoafour-topthathadturnedintoasix-top.
“Thanks,Naomi.Andthankyouforhookingmyauntupwiththathomehealthorganization,”saidNeecey,thegossipywaitressfromDino’s.
“Mypleasure.Hey,doesanyoneknowthatguyalongthebackwall?”Iasked.
Fourheadsswiveledinunison.Knockemoutwasn’tmuchforsubtlely.
“Can’tsayhelooksfamiliar,”Neeceysaid.“Thatredhairsurestandsout.IfeellikeI’drememberhimifImethim.”
“Ishegivingyoutrouble,Nay?”Wraithdemanded,lookingdeadlyserious.
Iforcedalaugh.“No.Ijustrecognizedhimfromthelibrary.Ididn’tknowifhewasalocal.”
IsuddenlywishedKnoxwashere.
Twosecondslater,Iwasreallygladhewasn’t.Becausethistimewhenthefrontdooropened,Iprayedforthefloortoopenupandswallowme.
“Nowwhothehellisthatdandy?”Wraithwonderedoutloud.
“Oh,no.No,no,no,no,no,”Iwhispered.
WarnerDennisontheThirdwasscanningthebar,anexpressionofderisiononhishandsomeface.
Ithoughtaboutturningaroundandhightailingitforthekitchen.Butitwastoolate.Helockedeyeswithme,notbotheringtohidehissurprise.
“Naomi,”hecalledjustasthebandcutofftheirsong.
HeadsturnedtolookatmeandthenbackatWarner.
Istayedrootedtothespot,buthewasonthemove,weavinghiswaythroughtablestogettome.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Idemanded.
“Me?Whatthehellareyoudoinginaplacelikethis?Andwhatareyouwearing?”hesaid,reachingforme.Hishandsgrippedmybicepslikehewasgoingtopullmeinforanembrace,butIresisted.
“Iworkhere,”Isaid,plantingahandfirmlyonhischest.
Amotorcyclerevveditsengineoutside,andheflinched.“Notanymore,”Warnersaid.“Thisisridiculous.Youmadeyourpoint.You’recominghome.”
“Home?”Imanagedadrylaugh.“Warner,Isoldmyhouse.Iliveherenow.”
“Don’tberidiculous,”hesaid.“You’recominghomewithme.”
Notwantingtocauseascene,Igaveuptryingtoextricatemyselffromhisgrasp.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?We’renottogetheranymore.”
“Youranoutonourweddingthenignoredmycallsandemailsforweeks.Youwantedtomakeapointandyoumadeit.”
“WhatpointexactlydoyouthinkIwasmaking?”
Hisnostrilsflared,andInoticedtheclenchofhisjaw.Hewasgettingupset,anditturnedmystomach.
“Youwantedmetoseewhatlifewouldbelikewithoutyou.Igetit.”
Wehadtheraptattentionofthebar.“Warner,let’stalksomewhereelse,”Isuggested.Ipulledhimpastthebarandintothehallwaybytherestrooms.
“Imissyou,Naomi.Imissourdinnerstogether.Imisscominghomeandfindingoutyoudidallmylaundryforme.Imisstakingyououtandshowingyouoff.”
Ishookmyhead,hopingtorattlesomesenseintomybrain.Icouldn’tbelievehewashere.
“Look,”hesaid,“Iapologizeforwhathappened.Iwasstressed.Ihadtoomuchtodrink.Itwon’thappenagain.”
“Howdidyoufindme?”Iasked,finallyextricatingmyselffromhisgrasp
“MymomisFacebookfriendswithyours.Shesawsomeofthepicturesyourmomhasbeenposting.”
ForonceIregrettednottellingmymomexactlywhyI’drunoutonmywedding.Ifshe’dknownwhyIleftWarner,shesureashellwouldn’thavepointedthewayhere.
Warnertookmywristsinhishands.
“Everythingallrighthere,”Maxasked,appearingatthemouthofthehall.
“Everything’sfine,”Ilied.
“Mindyourowndamnbusiness,”Warnermutteredwithouttakinghiseyesoffme.
“Warner!”Irememberedallthelittleinsultshe’dsayunderhisbreathdirectedatmeandcountlessothers.
“Let’sgosomewherewherewecantalk,”hesaid,squeezingmywriststighter.
“No.Youneedtolistentome.I’mnotgoinganywherewithyouandI’mcertainlynotgettingbacktogetherwithyou.It’sover.We’reover.There’snothingmoretotalkabout.Nowgohome,Warner.”
Hesteppedforwardintomyspace.“I’mnotgoinganywhereunlessyou’rewithme,”heinsisted.
Icouldsmellalcoholonhisbreathandwinced.“Howmuchhaveyouhadtodrink?”
“Forfuck’ssake,Naomi.Stoptryingtoblameeverythingonadrinkortwo.Now,Iletyouhaveyourspaceandlookwhatyoudidwithit.”Hesweptanarmout.“Thisisn’tyou.Youdon’tbelonginaplacelikethiswithpeoplelikethem.”
“Letgoofme,Warner,”Isaidcalmly.
Insteadoflettingmego,hepushedmebackagainstthewallandheldmetherebymybiceps.
Ididn’tlikeit.Itwasn’tlikewhenKnoxboxedmeinandmysenseswerefullofhim,whenIwantedtodoanythingtobeclosertohim.Thiswasdifferent.
“Youneedtogo,Warner,”Isaid.
“Youwantmetogo,you’regoingwithme.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ican’tleave.I’mworking.”
“Fuckthisplace,Naomi.Fuckyourlittletempertantrum.I’mwillingtoforgiveyou.”
“Takeyourfuckinghandsoffher.Now.”
MykneeswentweakatKnox’svoice.
“Movealong,asshole.Thisisbetweenmeandmyfiancée,”Warnersaid.
“Notthebrightestanswer,”Luciansaidmildly.
KnoxandLucianwerestandingatthemouthofthehallway.LucianhadhishandonKnox’sshoulder.Icouldn’ttellifhewasrestraininghimortellinghimhehadhisback.
ThensuddenlyKnoxwasn’tstandingatthemouthofthehall,andWarnerdidn’thavehishandsonmeanymore.
“Givehimthefirstshot,”Luciancalled.
Warnerswung,andIwatchedinhorrorashelandedapunchthatsnappedKnox’sheadback.
“Goodenough,”Luciansaid,hishandsinthepocketsofhisslacks,thepictureofrelaxation.
Knoxlethisfistsdothetalking.ThefirstpunchconnectedwithWarner’snose,andIheardthecrunch.Blindly,Warnerstruckout.TheblowglancedoffKnox’sshoulder.AsbloodpouredfromWarner’snose,KnoxthrewanotherpunchandthenanotherbeforeWarnercrumpledtothefloor.BeforeKnoxcouldfollowhimdown,Lucianwaspullinghimback.
“Enough,”hesaidcalmlyasKnoxfoughttofreehimself.“TakecareofNaomi.”
WhenLuciansaidmyname,Knox’sgazeabandonedmybloodiedex-fiancéandfoundme.
“Whatthefuck?”WarnersnarledasLucianhauledhimtohisfeet.“I’mcallingmylawyer!Yourasswillbeinjailbymorning!”
“Goodluckwiththat.Hisbrother’sthechiefofpolice,andmylawyeristentimesmoreexpensivethanyours.Watchthedoor,”Lucianwarned.AndthenheusedWarner’sfacetoopenthekitchendoor.Acheerwentupinthebarasthetwomendisappeared.
AndthenIwasn’tthinkingaboutwhowasgoingtocleanupthebloodysmearontheglassbecauseKnoxwasinfrontofme,lookingathousandshadesofpissedoff.THIRTY-FIVETHEWHOLESTORYANDAHAPPYENDING
Knox
“Ihavetogototherestroom,”Naomiannouncedandboltedintotheladies’room.
“Goddammit,”Imuttered,clenchingmyhandsintofists.Adrenalineandrageracedthroughmyveins,heatingmybloodtoboiling.
IdebatedgoingintotheNoMan’sLandafterher,butMax,Silver,andFibeatmetoit.
“Youcan’tallleavetheflooratthesamefuckingtime,”Icalledthroughthedoor.
“Fuckoff,Knoxy.Wegotthis,”Fiyelledback.
“Andwegotthis,Knox,”Wraithsaid,throwingabartoweloverhisshoulderandsteppingbehindthebar.“You’reallgettin’beersorshotscauseIdon’tknowhowthefucktopouranythingelse.”
Araucouscheerroseupfromthecustomers.
Thekitchendoorswungopen,andMilfordthecookwalkedoutwithtwobasketsofbrisketnachosinonehandandanicepackwrappedinatowelintheother.Hetossedmetheice,thenletoutanear-splittingwhistle.
Sloanejumpedupandgrabbedthebaskets.“Yo!Whogotthebrisketnachos?”
Handswentupalloverthebar.
“IfIfindoutanyofyouarelying,I’llpersonallyruinyourlifeforanentireyear.”
Sloanewasnomild-manneredlibrarian.Shehadalegendarytemperthat,whenroused,wasaCategoryFiveShitstorm
Allbuttwohandswiselywentdown.
“That’sbetter,”shesaid.
“Wegotthis,boss.Seetoyourlady,”Milfordinsisted.
“DidLucian—”
“Mr.Rollinsistakingoutthetrash,”hesaidwithagrinbeforeduckingbackintothekitchen.
Iwantedto,butIwasafraidherpossewouldn’tletmenearher.Icouldpunchanassholeoutwithoutasecondthought,butIwassmartenoughtobealittleterrifiedoftheHonkyTonkwomen.
“Naomi,”Isaid,poundingafistonthebathroomdoor.“Ifyoudon’tgetyourassouthere,I’meithercomin’inthereorI’mgonnagoknockmoresenseintothatsonofabitch.”
Thedooropened,andNaomi,withsmudgedeyemakeup,glaredatme.“Youwilldonosuchthing.”
Reliefcoursedthroughme,andIleanedintoher.
“I’mgonnatouchyounowbecauseIneedto.AndI’mwarningyouinadvance,becauseifItouchyouandyouflinch,I’mgonnagooutintheparkinglotandstartkickingassuntilhe’stoobrokentoevertouchanotherwomanagain.”
Hereyeswidened,butshenodded.
ItriedtobegentleasItookherbythehand.
“Wegood?”Iasked.
Shenoddedagain.
Itwasgoodenoughforme.IpulledherpasttherestroomsandFi’sofficeintothenexthallwaythatledtomyoffice.
“Ican’tbelievethishappened,”shegroaned.“I’msoembarrassed.”
Shehadn’tbeenembarrassed.She’dbeenfuckingterrified.ThelookinhereyeswhenIsteppedintothehallwasoneI’dneverforgetaslongasIlived.
“Thenerveofhimshowinguphere,sayinghewantsmebackbecausehemisseshowIcleanedupafterhim.”
Isqueezedherhand.“Payattention,Daisy.”
“Towhat?Thewayyouturnedhisfaceintogroundbeef?Doyouthinkyoubrokehisnose?”
IknewIhad.Thatwasthepoint.
“Payattentiontothis,”Isaid,pointingatthekeypadnexttothedoor.“0522.”
Shestaredatthekeypadthenbackatme.“Whyareyougivingmethecode?”
“Ifthatguyoranyoneelseyoudon’twanttoseeshowsup,youcomebackhere,andyouplugin0522.”
“I’mtryingtohaveanervousbreakdown,andyouwantmetomemorizenumbers.”
“Enterthecode,Naomi.”
Shedidasshewastoldwhilemutteringaboutwhatpainsintheassallmenwere.Shewasn’twrong.
“Goodgirl.Seethegreenlight?”
Shenodded.
“Openthedoor.”
“Knox,Ishouldgetbackoutthere.Peoplearegoingtobetalking.I’vegotsixtables,”shesaid,herhandhoveringoverthehandle.
“Youshouldopenthedamndoorandtakeabreath.”
Thosegorgeousfuckinghazeleyesofherswidened,andIfelttheworldslowtoastop.Whenshedidthat,whenshelookedatmewithhope,trust,andjustalittlebitoflust,itdidthingstome.ThingsIdidn’twanttodissectbecauseitfeltgood,andIdidn’twanttowastetimewonderinghowitwasgoingtogobad.
“Okay,”shesaidfinally,pushingthedooropen.
Ihustledheracrossthethresholdandclosedthedoorbehindus.
“Wow.TheFortressofSolitude,”shesaidwithreverence.
“It’smyoffice,”Isaiddryly.
“It’syoursafespace.Yourlair.NoonebutWaylonisallowedinhere.Andyoujustgavemethecode.”
“Don’tmakemeregretit,”Isaid,movingintobackheragainstthedoor,fightingagainsttheneedtograbherandholdhertight.
“I’lltrynotto,”shepromisedonabreathysigh.
“Whathappenedouttherewasashitshow,”Ibegan,puttingmyhandsoneithersideofherhead.
Shewinced.“Iknow.I’msosorry.Ihadnoideahewascoming.Ihaven’ttalkedtohimsincetherehearsaldinner.Itriedtogethimawayfromthecrowdandhandleitprivately,but—”
“Baby,amanevergetsyouinthatpositionagain,Iwantyoutokneehimintheballsashardasyoucan,andwhenhedoublesover,youkneehiminthefuckingface.Thenyourunlikehell.Idon’tgiveashitaboutcausingscenes.IgiveashitthatIwalkedintomybarandfoundamanwithhishandsonmygirl.”
Herlowerliptrembled,andIwantedtohuntdownWarnerWhatevertheFuckHisNameWasandputhisheadthroughaplateglasswindow.
“I’msorry,”shewhispered.
“Baby,Idon’twantyoutobesorry.Idon’twantyoutobescared.IwantyoutobeaspissedoffasIamthatsomeassholethoughthecouldputhishandsonyou.Iwantyoutoknowyourworthsonooneintheirrightmindeverthinkstheycantreatyoulikethat.Yougetme?”
Shenoddedtentatively.
“Good.Thinkit’stimeyoutellmethewholestory,Daze.”
“Wedon’treallyneedtotalk—”
“You’renotgettingoutofthisroomuntilyoutellmeeverything.AndImeaneveryfuckingthing.”
“Butwe’renotreallytogeth—”
Ipinchedherlipsclosed.“Uh-uh,Naomi.Itdoesn’tmatterwhatthefuckinglabelsays,Icareaboutyou,andifyoudon’tstarttalkin’,Ican’tdowhatIneedtodotomakesureitneverhappensagain.”
Shewasstillforalongbeat.
“IfItellyou,willyouletmegobacktowork?”sheaskedthroughmyfingers.
“Yes.I’llletyougobacktowork.”
“IfItellyou,willyoupromisenottohuntWarnerdown?”
IwasnotgoingtolikethisonebitandIknewit.
“Yes,”Ilied.
“Fine.”
Itookmyhandaway,andsheduckedundermyarmtostandinthemiddleoftheroombetweenmydeskandthecouch.
“It’smyfault,”shebegan.
“Bullshit.”
Shewhirledaroundandfixedmewithalook.“I’mnottellingyouanythingifyou’regoingtointerjectlikeoneofthoseoldmanMuppetsinthebalcony.We’llbothjustdieofstarvationinhere,andeventuallysomeonewillsmellourdecayingbodiesandbreakdownthedoor.”
Ileanedagainstthefrontofmydeskandstretchedmylegsout.“Fine.Continuewithyourasinineassessment.”
“Excellentalliteration,”shesaid
“Talk,Daze.”
Sheblewoutabreath.“Fine.Okay.Weweretogetherforawhile.”
“History.You’vegotit.Youmovedon,andhehasn’t.”
Shenodded.
“We’dbeentogetherlongenoughthatIhadmyeyeonthenextstep.”Sheglancedatme.“Idon’tknowifyouknowthisaboutme,butIreallylikecheckingthingsoffmylist.”
“Noshit.”
“Anyway,onpaperwewerecompatible.Itmadesense.Wemadesense.Anditwasn’tlikehewasmakingplansfornextyear’svacations.Buthewasn’tmovingasquicklyasIthoughtheshould.”
“Youtoldhimtoshitorgetoffthepot,”Iguessed.
“Muchmoreeloquently,ofcourse.ItoldhimIsawafutureforus.Iwasworkingforhisfamily’scompany,we’dbeendatingforthreeyears.Itjustmadesense.Itoldhimifhedidn’twanttobewithme,heneededtocutmeloose.Whenheslidajeweler’sboxoverthetableathisfavoriteItalianplaceafewweekslater,partofmewassorelieved.”
“Theotherpart?”
“IthinkIknewitwasamistakerightthere.”
Ishookmyheadandcrossedmyarms.“Baby,youknewitwasamistakelongbeforethen.”
“Well,youknowwhattheysayabouthindsight.”
“Itmakesyoufeellikeanidiot?”
Herlipsquirked.“Somethinglikethat.Youdon’treallywanttohearallthis.”
“Finishit,”Igrowled.“IspilledmygutstoyouthenightNashwasshot.This’llevenusout.”
Shesighed,andIknewI’dwon.
“Sowestartedplanningthewedding.Andbywe,Imeanhismotherandmebecausehewasbusywithworkanddidn’twanttodealwiththedetails.Thingswerehappeningwiththecompany.Hewasunderalotofstress.Hestarteddrinkingmore.Snappingatmeforlittlethings.Itriedtobebetter,domore,expectless.”
Myhandsitchedtoclosearoundthatfuckface’sthroat.
“Aboutamonthbeforethewedding,wewereouttodinnerwithanothercouple,andhehadtoomuchtodrink.Iwasdrivingushome,andheaccusedmeofflirtingwiththeotherguy.Ilaughed.Itwassoabsurd.Hedidn’tthinkitwasfunny.He…”
Shepausedandwinced.
“Sayit,”Isaidgruffly.
“H-hegrabbedmebythehairandyankedmyheadback.IwassosurprisedIswervedandalmosthitaparkedcar.”
IttookeverythingIhadnottojumpupfromthedeskandrunintotheparkinglottokickthisfuckingguy’sass
“Hesaidhedidn’tmeanit,”shecontinuedasifherwordshadn’tjustsetoffatickingtimebombinsideme.“Heapologizedprofusely.Hesentmeflowerseverydayforaweek.‘Itwasthestress,’he’dsaid.Hewastryingforapromotiontosetusupforourfuture.”
Iwaschokingonsuppressedrageandwasn’tsurehowlongIcouldpretendtobecalm.
“Weweresoclosetotheweddingday,andhereallydidseemlikehewassorry.Iwasstupidenough,eagerenoughtomoveontothenextstepthatI’dbelievedhim.Thingswerefine.Betterthanfine.Untilthenightoftherehearsal.”
Myfingersdugintomybiceps.
Shewaspacingnowinfrontofme.“Heshoweduptotherehearsalsmellinglikeadistilleryandhehadseveralmoredrinksduringdinner.Ioverheardhismothermakingsnidecommentsabouthowshewishedshecouldhaveinvitedmorepeoplebutthatshecouldn’tbecausemyparentscouldn’taffordit.”
Fuckface’smomsoundedlikesheneededherownkindofass-kicking.
“IwassomadIconfrontedhimwhenwelefttherestaurant.”Sheshuddered,andIwasafraidIwasgoingtogrindmyfillingsintodust.“ThankGodwewerealoneintheparkinglot.Myparentshadalreadygonehome.Stefandtherestoftheweddingpartywerestillinside.
“Hewassoangry.Justlikeaswitchhadflipped.Ineversawitcoming.”
Sheclosedhereyes,andIknewshewasrelivingthemomentalloveragain.
“Heslappedmerightacrosstheface.Hard.Nothardenoughtoknockmedown,butjustenoughtohumiliateme.Ijuststoodthereinshock,holdingmycheek.Icouldn’tbelievehe’ddosomethinglikethat.”
IdoubtedthatNaomiwasawareshe’dliftedahandtohercheekasifshecouldstillfeelthehit.
Icouldn’tholditinanymore.IturnedforthedoorandwasreadytoriptheknoboffwhenIfeltherhandsonmyback.
“Knox,whereareyougoing?”
Iflippedthelockandwrenchedthedooropen.“TodigashallowgravesoIhaveaplacetoputhimafterIgettiredofthrowingpunches.”
Herfingernailsdugintomyskinundermyshirt,givingmesomethingelsetofeelbesidesfury.
“Don’tleavemealone,”shesaid,thenpressedherselfagainstmyback.
Fuck.
“Hestartedpacingandyelling.Itwasmyfault,hetoldme.Hewasn’treadytogetmarried.Hehadgoalshewantedtoaccomplishbeforefocusingonhispersonallife.Itwasmyfaultforpushinghim.AllhewastryingtodowasgivemeeverythingIwanted,andthereIwascomplainingtohimthenightbeforetheweddinghedidn’twanttohave.”
“That’sfuckingbullshit,Naomi,andyouknowit.”
“Yeah,”shesqueaked,restingherforeheadbetweenmyshoulderblades.Ifeltsomethingdampleakthroughtheshirt.
Damnit.
Iturnedandtookherinmyarms,holdingherfaceagainstmychest.Herbreathhitched.“Baby,you’rekillin’me.”
“I’msoembarrassed,”shewhispered.“Itwasaslap.Hedidn’tputmeinthehospital.Didn’tthreatenmylife.”
“Doesn’tmakeitanywherenearright.Amandoesn’tputhandsonawomanlikethat.Ever.”
“ButIwasn’texactlyinnocent.Itriedtoforceamantomarryme.Ialmostsaid‘Ido’evenafterhehitme.Howpatheticisthat?Iwasinthatchurchbasementinmydress,worryingaboutwhatotherpeoplewouldthinkifIdidn’tgothroughwithit.Worriedaboutlettingthemdown.”
Ithumbedawaythetearsthattrackeddownhercheeks.Eachonefeltlikeaknifetomyheart.
“Istilldon’tknowifIwouldhavemadetherightchoiceifTinahadn’tcalledmeandsaidshewasintrouble.That’swhenIknewIwasn’tgoingtogothroughwithit.”
AftereverythingTinahaddone,atleastshe’dprovidedtheexcuseNaomineededwhensheneededit.
“Daisy,yougavehimachoice.Itdoesn’tmatterhowshittytheoptionsare.It’sstillhischoicetomake.Hecouldspendtherestofhislifewithyouorwithoutyou.Hedidn’tgiveyouachoicewhenhehurtyou.”
“ButIshouldhavelistenedtowhathewastryingtotellme.Hedidn’twanttocommit,andIforcedhimto.”
“Hehadachoice,”Irepeated.“Look.Amandoesn’tgoallinwithawoman,it’sforareason.Maybehe’slookingforsomethingbetter.Maybehe’sjustcomfortablewithhisplaceinyourworldanddoesn’twanttomakeaplaceforyouinhis.Eitherway,hemakesnoforwardprogressunlesshe’sforcedintoit.
“Afterthat,evenifhepopsthequestion,evenifheshowsupatthealtar,he’llholdontothefactthatitwasn’thisidea.Hewasheshishandsofresponsibilityfortheentirerelationship.Butthebottomfuckinglineis,hehadachoiceeverystepoftheway.Youdidn’tforcehimintoanything.”
Shelookeddown.“HeneverthoughtIwasgoodenoughforhim.”
“Baby,truthis,onhisbestday,hewasnevergonnabegoodenoughforyou,andhefuckingknewit.”
Sohe’dmanipulatedherandhe’dtriedtoprovehewasbetterbyshowinghewasstronger,morepowerful.Byusingforce.Anditonlywouldhavegottenworse.
“Damnit,Knox.Youcannotbesweettomerightnow!”
“Donotcry.Donotshedonemoretearoversomeassholewhoneverdeservedyouinthefirstplace.OrI’mgoingtogobreakbothhisarmsandlegs.”
Shecasthereyesdownthenlookedbackupatme.“Thankyou.”
“Forwhat?”
“Forbeinghere.For…takingcareofmeandcleaningupmymess.Itreallymeansalot.”
Ithumbedawayanotherstraytear.“WhatdidIsayaboutcrying?”
“Thatonewasforyou,nothim.”
InsteadofhuntingWarnerdownandkickinghiminthegutuntilmybootworethrough,Ididsomethingmoreimportant.Iloweredmymouthtotakehers.
Sheinstantlywentsoftandpliableagainstme.Surrendering.Ispunusaroundsoshehadherbacktothedoor.
“Knox?”shewhispered.
ThenIpressedmykneebetweenherthighsandpinnedheragainstthedoorwithmyhipsasIplunderedhermouth.Shemeltedagainstme,eagerandneedy.
Iwasinstantlyhard.
ThesexylittlemoanshemadeinthebackofherthroatwhenIgroundmyerectionagainsthermademelosemyfuckingmind.Ilickedandkissedandtastedheruntiltheairarounduswaselectrified,untilthepulseinmybloodmatchedthebeatofherheart.
Ipumpedmycockagainstheronce,twice,threetimes,beforeshovingmyhandbetweenourbodiesandunderthatskirtthatIlovedtohate.
WhenIfoundthesilkedgeofherunderwear,Igrowled.IknewjustbythetouchitwasoneofthepairsI’dboughther.AndIlovedknowingsheworesomethingIgaveherclosetoherskininaplaceI’dbetheonlyonetosee.
“Hedoesn’tdeserveonesecondofyourenergy.Neverdid,”Isaid,yankingtheunderweartothesidewithmorehastethanfinesse.
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked,hereyesglazedwithdesire.
“Remindingyouwhatyoudeserve.”
Ithrusttwofingersintoherwetheatandswallowedhercrywithmymouth.Shewasalreadyripplingaroundme,beggingtocome.“Doyouwantmetostop?”MyvoicewasharsherthanIintended,butIcouldn’tbesoft,gentle,whenshewasmakingmeharderthanconcrete.
“Ifyoustop,I’llmurderyou,”shegroaned.
“That’smygirl,”Isaid,nippingatthesensitiveskinofherneck.
Ifuckedherwithmyfingers,startingslowandbuildingspeed.IheldhergazewithanobsessivedesiretowatchtheorgasmIgaveherruinher.ButIneededsomethingmore.Ineededtotasteher.
ShewhimperedwhenIdroppedtomyknees.ThewhimperbecamealowmoanwhenIpressedmymouthbetweenherlegs.
“Ridemyhand,Naomi.RideitwhileImakeyoucome.Rememberwhoyouare.Whatyoudeserve.”
ItwasthelastorderIgave,becausemytonguewasbusyteasingcirclesoverhersensitiveclit.Shetastedlikeheavenasshebuckedagainstmyface.
MydickthrobbedbehindmyzipperwithaneedsointenseIdidn’trecognizeit.Mine.Iwantedtoclaimher,tomakeherminesoassholesknewtheydidn’thaveachance.
“Knox,”shewhimpered,andIfelttheclutchandpullofheraroundmyfingers.Itwasfuckingbeautiful.
“That’sright,baby,”Imurmured.“Feelmeinyou.”
Isuckedgentlywhileworkingtheswollenbudwithmytongue.
Sheletoutawrenchingmoan,andIfelthercomeapartaroundmyfingers.Shewasamiracle.Aworkofart.Andnoonedeservedher.NotWarner.Notevenme.
Butnotdeservingsomethingwasn’tgoingtostopmefromtaking.
Thewavesbroke.Theclenchingbecamealanguidflutter,andstillmycockached.Iwantedtothrustintoherandfeeltheechoesofherorgasmonmyshaft.
Thenshewaspullingmetomyfeet,andherfingerswereatmybelt.Mypalmswenttothedoorasshereverentlyreleasedmyerection,andshesanktoherknees.
“Youdon’thavetodothis,Naomi.”Mywhisperwasharshwithneed.
“Iwantto.”
Herlipswereparted.Ifeltherhotbreathonmythigh,andmycockjerked.Shemadeanapprovingnoise,andbeforeIcouldsayordoanything,thoseperfectpinklipswereparting,andmytipdisappearedbetweenthem.
Itwaslikealightningstrike.
MylastcoherentthoughtwasthattheonlythingthatsavedWarnerFuckfacefromthebeatingofhislifewasNaomi’sperfectmouthonmycock.THIRTY-SIXTHEBREAK-IN
Knox
Nashyawnedandscrapedahandoverhisface.Hewassittingathisdiningtableinsweatpants.Hisusuallyclean-shavenmughadthebeginningsofabeard.
“Look,Itoldyou.Idon’trememberjackshitfromtheshooting.Idon’tevenrememberpullingthecarover.”
Itwasaftertwoa.m.,andLucianhadinsistedweputourheadstogetheronthesituations.
IflippedmyphoneovertoseeifNaomihadtextedmeyet.Shewassupposedtotextassoonasshegothome.Afterthenightshe’dhad,Ifeltunsettledlettingherdrivehomebyherself.ButLucianwasinsistentthatweneededtotalktoNash.
“Isthatnormal?Notremembering?”Iasked.
Nashshruggedwithhisgoodshoulder.“HowthefuckshouldIknow?ThisisthefirsttimeIgotshot.”
Hewasbeingflippant,buttherewereshadowsunderhiseyesthathadnothingtodowiththetimeofnight.
Lucian,ontheotherhand,lookedasifhewasjusthittinghisstride.Hewasinwhatwasleftofanotherexpensivesuit.HistieandjackethungoverthebackofNash’scouch.Evenasakid,he’dsleptshortandlight.Everysleepoverwe’deverhad,he’dbeenthelasttofallasleepandthefirsttowake.Wenevertalkedaboutwhatdemonskepthimupatnight.Wedidn’thaveto
“Weneedthedashcamfootage,”Luciansaid.Heleanedforward,elbowsonknees,aglassofbourboninhishand.
Mybrotherwasalreadyshakinghishead.“Fuckyou,Luce.YouknowIcan’tdothat.It’sevidenceinanongoinginvestigation.Iknowlawandorderdon’tmeanmuchtoyoutwo—”
“We’vegotthesamegoal.Findingoutwhothefuckdecidedtoputtwobulletsinyouandleaveyoufordead,”Iinterjected.“IfIwereyou,Iwouldn’tbepissedoffabouttheextraeyesandears.”Iflippedmyphoneoveragain.
Nomessages.
“What’syourproblem?”Nashasked,noddingatmyphone.“LizaJkickingyourassinWordswithFriendsagain?”
“Naomiisn’thomeyet.”
“It’safive-minutedrive,”Nashpointedout.
Lucianlookedatme.“Youdidn’ttellhim?”
“Tellmewhat?”
“Naomi’sexshowedupatHonkyTonktonight.Puthishandsonher.Scaredher.”
“Jesus.Wheredidyouputthebody?”
Luciansmiledslyly.“Youdon’twanttoknow.”
Nashpinchedthebridgeofhisnose.“Ireallydon’twantthispaperwork.”
“Relax,”Isaid.“He’snotdead.Butifheevershowshisgoddamnfaceinthistownagain,Imakenopromises.”
“Knoxgavehimthefirstshotinfrontofwitnesses,”Lucianexplained.
“Whatelsedidhedoinfrontofwitnesses?Breakhisfuckingneck?”
“Justtheidiot’snose.IescortedhimoutintotheparkinglotandhelpedhimunderstandifheevercamewithinahundredmilesofNaomiagain,mylawyerwasgoingtomakeithispersonalmissiontobankrupthim,hisfamily,andhisfamily’sbusiness.”
“Lucealsosmashedhisfaceagainstthekitchendoor,”Iaddedcheerfully,wantingtogivecreditwherecreditwasdue.
MybrotherpickeduptheuntouchedbourbonLucianhadputinfrontofhimanddownedit.“Goddammit.Ihatebeingleftoutofshit.”
“Youdidn’tmissmuch,”Itoldhim.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Nashdemanded,lookingatme.
“I’mstaringatyoutwopainsinmyass.”
“Whatthehellareyoudoingherestaringatuswhenyoushouldbehomewithher?She’sprobablymessedupoverthewholething.Scared.Embarrassed.Worriedabouthowit’sgonnalookinaguardianshiphearing.ThisontopoftheTinashitisthelastthingsheneeds.”
Ididn’tlikehowwellmybrotherknewNaomi.
“She’sfine.Wetalkeditout.I’mheadingtoherplaceassoonasyougetyourheadoutofyourassandhandoverthedashcamfootage.”
“WhatTinashit?”Lucianasked.
NashwasfillinghiminonthedetailsofTina’sbreak-inswhenmyphonerang.Iallbutvaultedoutofmyseattoanswerit.
“Aboutdamntime,Daisy.”
“Knox?”Thewayshesaidmynamehadmyhacklesrising.
“What’swrong?”Isaid,alreadygrabbingmycarkeys.
NashandLucianwereontheirfeettoo.
“Someonewashere.Someonebrokein.It’samess.It’sgoingtotakemeforevertocleanthisup.”
“Getoutofthehouse,”Isnarled.
Lucianwasshruggingintohisjacket,andNashwasdoinghisbesttopullashirtonoverhissweats.Itossedhimhissneakers.
“They’renothere.Ichecked,”Naomisaidinmyear.
“We’regonnahavewordsaboutthat,”Iassuredhergrimly.“Nowgetbackinyourfuckingcar,lockthefuckingdoors,anddrivetoLiza’s.Donotgetoutofyourfuckingcaruntilyourdadcomesouttogetyou.”
“Knox,it’sthemiddleofthenight—”
“Idon’tgiveashitifit’sthemiddleofhiscolonoscopy.Getinthecarnow.I’mhangingupandIwantyoutocallNash.StayonthelinewithhimwhileIcallyourdad.”
“Knox—”
“Don’targuewithme,Naomi.Getinthedamncar.”
Iheardhergrumblingunderherbreathandthenthetelltalesoundsofanignitionstarting.“Goodgirl.CallNash.”
IhungupbeforeshecouldsayanythingelseandscrolledthroughmycontactstoLou’snumber.
“Cottage?”Nashasked.Hisphonelitup.Naomi’snamewasonit.
“Yeah.”
“I’lldriveNash,”Luciansaid,snatchingthekeysoffthehookbythedoor.
“Youcan’tdriveadepartmentvehicle,Luce,”Nashargued.
“Watchme.”
“Yeah,Lou?”IsaidwhenNaomi’sdadanswered.“Wegotaproblem.”
***
Wecameinhot,lookinglikeahigh-speedcarchasewithmeinthelead,followedbyLucianandNash,lightsblazinginaKnockemoutPDSUV.
MyhandstightenedonthewheelwhenIsaweveryone,dogsincluded,outonLiza’sporch.Whatpartof“staythefuckinside”didn’ttheyunderstand?
IslammedonmybrakesinfrontofNaomi’scottage.Lucianslidinnexttome.
Iturnedtohim.“Domeafavorandgeteveryoneinsidesothey’renotstandingaroundwaitingforsomeonetostartpickingthemoff.”
Wordlessly,Luciannodded,andmeltedintothenight.
“Backup’sontheway,”Nashsaidaswejoggeduptheporchsteps.Thescreendoorwashangingbyonehinge,thedoorbeyonditwideopen.
“Naomisaidnoone’sinside.”
“Andsheknowsthathow?”Nashsaid,soundingalmostaspissedasIfelt.
“Becausebeforeshecalledme,shewalkedthroughthehouseholdingabreadknife.”
“Andyou’regonnahavewordswithheraboutthat,right?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Ithinkyou’regonnahavewords.”
Ihadtoadmit,itwaskindofnicetohavemybrotherback.
“Fuck,”Isaidwhenweentered.
“Mess”wasanunderstatement.Couchcushionswerethrownonthefloor.Thedeskdrawershadallbeenpulledout,theircontentsdumped.Thecoatclosetwasopen,itsinventoryscatteredthroughoutthelivingroom.
Thekitchencabinetsanddrawershadallbeengutted.Therefrigeratordoorhungopenwithhalfofthefooddumpedonthelinoleum.
“Someonewaspissedoffandinahurry,”Nashobserved.
Istartedupthesteps,tryingtokeepalidonmyrage.Twiceinonenight,she’dbeenviolated,andI’dbeenastepbehindeachtime.Ifelt…helpless,useless.WhatgoodwasIifIcouldn’tkeephersafe?
Iheardmybrotheronthestairsbehindme,hisascentslowerthanmyown.
SpottingWaylay’spinkcomforterinthehallway,Iheadedintoherroom.Ithadfaredworsethanthefirstfloor.Hernewclotheshadbeenrippedfromtheclosetanddresser.Thebeddingwastornoff,themattressflippedandleaningagainstthewall.Thepictureframesthathadhungonthewallsmostofmylifewereonthefloor.Someofthembroken.
“Theexorthesister?”Nashwonderedoutloud.
Naomi’sbedroomhadbeenhastilytossed.Thebedstripped,theclosetopenandemptied.Thesamewiththedresser
TherewasamessofcosmeticsontopofthedresserthatIdoubtedNaomihadmade.BITCHwasscrawledacrossthemirrorinlipstick.
Iwasseeingredthathadnothingtodowiththeshadeoflipstick.
“Keepyourcool,”Nashadvised.“Yousnappingandgoingofftherailsonatempertantrumisn’tgoingtohelp.”
Wepokedintoeverynookandcrannyupstairs,makingsuretheplacewasempty.Bythetimewehitthefirstflooragain,Nashwaspaleandsweaty,andtwomorecruisershadpulledin.
Thesurroundingwoodswerepaintedblueandredfromtheemergencylights.
IwentoutonthefrontporchtoforcefreshairintomylungssoIcouldchokedowntherisinganger.
Ispottedher,standinginthedirtlanestilldressedinherworkuniformwithoneofmygrandfather’soldflannelshirtslayeredontop.Waylonwasleaningagainsthershins,asprotectiveasabassethoundgot.
Iwasn’tevenconsciousofjoggingdowntheporchsteps.IjustknewIwasbeingpulledtoher.
“Areyouokay?”sheasked,lookingworried.
Ishookmyheadandwrappedmyarmsaroundher.
ShewasaskingmeifIwasokay.
“I’mfine,”Ilied.THIRTY-SEVENSHAVEANDAHAIRCUT
Naomi
“Wherearewegoing?”IaskedKnoxasweleftKnockemoutintherearviewmirror
“Arewegoingshopping?”Waylayaskedhopefullyfromthebackseat.
She’dtakenthenewsthatweweretemporarilymovingintoLizaJ’swell.Ofcourse,I’dflat-outliedtoher,tellinghertherewasabugproblematthecottageandthatwe’dbestayingwitheveryoneatLiza’sforafewdays.
Waylaywasthrilledfortheextendedsleepover.
Myparents,ontheotherhand,werestruggling.Notwithhavingusallunderoneroof.Thatparthadtheminnearecstasy.ButKnoxhadinsistedIspillthetruth.Thewholetruth,beginningwithwhyI’drunoutonWarner.
WhilemymotherwroteastronglywordedmessagetoWarner’smotheronFacebookatfoura.m.,KnoxhadtophysicallyrestrainmyfatherfromleavingtogoafterWarner.
DadcalmeddownconsiderablyafterLucianassuredhimthatKnoxhadnotonlymoppedthefloorwithWarner,he’dalsobrokentheman’snose.
Thetruthhurt,asI’dexpecteditto,whichwaswhyIhadn’tsharedinthefirstplace.Butmyparentshadstoodupunderitsweight.
OverMom’sanxietypancakes,we’dtalkeduntilnearlyfivea.m.beforeI’dfallenintobedwithKnoxinhischildhoodbedroom.IwascertainI’dneverbeabletosleep,butwithhisheavyarmanchoringmetohisside,I’dfallenintoadreamlessoblivionandstayedthereuntilten.
WhenIwokeup,IwasalonebecauseKnoxhaddrivenintotowntopickupWaylayfromhersleepover.
I’dtakenmygiganticvatofcoffeeonthefrontporchandwaitedforthem,thinkingabouthowthemanjustkeptblurringthelinesofouragreement.Andwhentheyreturned,whenKnoxputhishandontopofWaylay’sblondehead,ruffledherhair,andgaveheranaffectionateshove.
Irealizedjusthowblurrythoselinesinmyheartweregetting.Iwasintrouble.Andithadnothingtodowithabreak-inoracriminalsisteroranex-fiancé.
IwasfallingforthemanI’dswornIwouldn’t.ButKnoxmadeitimpossiblenotto.Hemadeitinevitable.
Unfortunately,atthatmoment,thecaseworkerhadshownupreadytodothehomestudythatI’dcompletelyforgottenabout.IwasnotimaginingthelookofsurpriseonMrs.Suarez’sfacewhenItriedtoherdWaylayintoLiza’shousewhileissuingavagueexcuseastowhywewereunpreparedforhervisit.
Thankfully,Knoxhadsteppedinonceagain,orderingWaylayintothekitchentogetuscoffeesfortheroad.Whenshewasoutofearshot,hewastheonewhoexplainedthesituationtoMrs.Suarez.
Ididnothaveagoodfeelingaboutwhatthismeantforthecustodyhearing.
“We’renotgoingshopping,”KnoxtoldWaylayashetooktheon-rampforthehighway.
“What’sallthestuffinthebackfor?”Waylayasked.
Betweenfreakingoutoverwhatourcaseworkerthoughtofmeallowingmultiplebreak-instohappen,Iwascurioustoo.Beforehe’dclosedthecoveroverthetruckbed,we’dspottedmorethanadozenshoppingbags.
“Supplies,”hesaidmysteriously.
Hisphonerang,andIsawJeremiah’snameonthescreen.
“Yeah,”Knoxsaidbywayofagreeting.
Themanwasnotoneforsmalltalk.
“We’llbethereinaboutforty-five,”hesaidintothephone.“Yeah.Seeyouthere.”
“There”turnedouttobeHannah’sPlace,ahomelessshelterontheoutskirtsofWashington,D.C.
Itwasanewerbrickbuildingonalargefencedlot.Knoxpulledthetruckthroughthegateandswungitaroundtowardtheentrance,whereIsawJeremiahstandingunderanawning.
“Thesecondstringhasarrived,”Jeremiahsaidwithagrinaswepiledout.“Great’do,Way.”
WaylayproudlypattedahandtothelittleFrenchbraidshe’dworkedaroundherheadlikeacrown.“Thanks.”
ThewomanbesideJeremiahwasshort,stocky,andvery,verybravebecauseshechargedrightonuptoKnoxandwrappedhiminahardhug.“There’smysecondfavoritebarber,”shesaid.
Knoxhuggedherback.“HowdidIlosethetopspotthistime?”
Sheleanedbackandgrinnedwickedly.“Jerbroughtmetwohundredrollsoftoiletpaper.”
“We’llseehowyoufeelaboutmeafteryouseewhatIbrought,”hesaid.
“Iseeyoubroughtmetwonewvolunteers,”shesaid.
“Shirley,meetNaomiandWaylay,”Knoxsaid.“Shirleyleftaseven-figurecorporategigtorunthisshelter.”
“Whoneedsboardroomsandcornerofficeswhenyoucanspendyourdaysdoinggood?”Shirleysaid,shakingmyhandandthenWaylay’s.
“It’ssonicetomeetyou,”Isaid.
“Likewise.Especiallyifyou’vegottwoworkinghandsanddon’tmindstockingshelvesandpackingboxes.”
“Readyandable,”Isaid,elbowingWaylay,whowaslookingalittlemorose.
“Put’emwhereyouwant’em,”Knoxsaid.“I’llsetupshop,andwecangetstarted.”
WaylayandIfollowedShirleyassheledthewayinside.
“I’dratherbeshopping,”Waylaywhisperedtome.
“Maybewecanfindamallafterwards,”Isaid,givinghershouldersasqueeze.
Onethingwasforsure—KnoxMorganwasfullofsurprises.
***
“Iguessit’skindacooltheydothis,”WaylaysaidaswewatchedKnoxandJeremiahruntheirmakeshiftoutdoorsalonthroughthetallwindows.
Whilewehadspenttwohourssortingfoodandclothingdonationswithothervolunteers,KnoxandJeremiahhadentertainedanendlessstreamofshelterresidentsintheirchairsundertheawningonthesidewalk.
Itwasabeautifuldayedgingtowardfall,andthemoodwasfestive.
Thestaff,volunteers,andresidentshadformedakindoflarge,unrulyfamilymakingsomethingasbleakashomelessnessfeellikeachallengetobeconquered.Notastigmatobereinforced.
Together,KnoxandJeremiahtransformedignored,unruly,disheveledhairintosleek,stylishlooks.Andindoingso,Irealizedtheywerealsochangingthewayeachclientsawthemselves.
Currently,Jeremiahwasworkingahandrazoroveralittleboy’sdarkhairkeepinghiminanalmostconstantstateofgiggles.ThemaninKnox’schairhadsatdownwithalong,scragglybeardandwispygrayhair.Histanfacewasdeeplylined,histhinshouldersstooped.Heworecleansweatpantsandalong-sleevedt-shirt,bothafewsizestoobig.
HiseyeswereclosedinwhatlookedlikeamomentofunguardedblissasKnoxdrapedahottoweloverhisfaceandreadiedhisshavingsupplies.
“Yeah.Kindacool,”Iagreed,strokingahandoverWaylay’shair.
“Thosetwohavebeendoingthisonceamonthforyears,”Shirleysaid,appearingnexttome.“Ourresidentsgetakickoutofhaving$200haircuts,anditsurechangesthewayotherpeopleseethem.WeconsiderourselvesprettydangluckytohavecaughtKnoxMorgan’sattentionwithourworkhere.”
Iwonderedifhehadhisnameonthisbuildingtoo.Andifhedid,diditbotherhimlessthanthepolicestation?
Iwatchedhimremovethetowelwithaflourish,makingthemaninhischairgrin.
***
“Grabbedyouacoffee.”
Ahugeto-gocupmaterializedbeforemyeyesasIstraightenedfromthetablewhereIwasfoldingt-shirts.
Knoxstoodthere,holdingasecond,smallercupwiththekindoflookinhiseyesthatmademyheartsomersaultinmychest.
Themanhadplayedherototwodozenpeopletoday—notcountingme—andthenhe’drunouttograbmeacauldronofcoffee.
Ithitmelikeawarm,glowingwavethatsweptmyfeetoutfromunderme.
“Thanks,”Isaid,goingmisty-eyed
“Thefuck,Daze?”
OfcoursehenoticedIwasabouttocryovercaffeine.Becausehenoticedeverything.
“Baby,what’swrong?Someonesaysomethingtoyou?”Hewasglaringthroughthewindowasiflookingforsomeonetoblame.
“No!”Iassuredhim.“I’mjust…Thisis…amazing,Knox.Youknowthat,right?”
“It’sahaircut,Naomi,”hesaiddryly.
Ishookmyhead.Asawoman,Iinherentlyunderstoodthatahaircutwasrarelyjustahaircut.“No.It’smorethanthat.You’rechangingthewaytheworldseeseachoneofthesepeople.Andyou’rechangingthewaytheyfeelaboutthemselves.”
“Shutup,”hesaidgruffly.Butthecornerofhismouthlifted,andthenhewaspluckingthecoffeeoutofmyhands,puttingitonthetablenexttothestackofshirts,andpullingmeintohischest.
“Youshutup,”Isaid,plantingmyhandsonhisshoulders.
“Where’sWay?”heasked,thoseblueeyessearchingforher.
Damnit.
Thatstupidgoldenglowwasbackandthreateningtoburstoutofmychest.Themanhadspentthedaygivinghomelessmenandwomenhaircuts.Thenhe’dbroughtmecoffeeandwasnowonalert,makingsureWaylaywassafe.Hewasasprotectiveofherashewasme.
Iwasagoner.
“She’sovertherewithShirley,”Isaid,pointinginthedirectionoftheplaygroundwhereWaylaywaspushingalittlegirlontheswingswhileShirleyledsomekindofgame.
Waylayspotteduswatchingherandwaved.
Iwavedback,thatglowinmychestrefusingtobudgenow.
Ineededtogetoutofhere.AwayfromthosestrongarmssoIcouldremindmyselfwhywewouldn’twork.Whyweweren’treallytogether.
BecauseKnoxdidn’twanttobe.Becausewhenitcamedowntoit,nooneeverreallychoseme.
Thatmeanlittlevoicedidthetrick,poppingmyprettylittleballoonofhopelikeadart.
Knoxtensedagainstme,hisholdtightening.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
“Gotyourselfagirl,Knox?”athin,reedyvoiceasked.
Iturnedinhisarmstoseethemanwho’dbeeninKnox’schairearlier.Nowratherthanlookinglikealostsoul,helookedyearsyounger.Asilverfoxwithhishaircutshortandsweptbackfromhisface.Hisbeardlayneatandgrayalonghisstrongjawline.
Knox’sarmstightenedaroundme,holdingmybacktohisfront.
“Twoactually,”Isaidwithasmile,pointingovertowhereWaylaywasgigglingatsomethingaboyheragesaid.
“Pretty,”themansaid.“Justlikehermama.”
Technically,Icouldhavecorrectedhim.ButsinceWaylay’smomwasmyidenticaltwin,Idecidedtojustpocketitasthecomplimentitwasintended.“Thankyou,”Isaid.
“Aren’tyagonnaintroduceus?”themanaskedKnoxashescratchedathisforearm.Therewasasubtleunsteadinesstohismovements.
Therewereafewbeatsofawkwardsilence,whichIwascompelledtointerrupt.
“I’mNaomi,”Isaid,holdingahandouttotheman.
“Naomi,”herepeated.“I’m—”
“ThisisDuke,”Knoxinterrupted.
Dukenodded,lookingdownathisfeetforasecond.
“It’snicetomeetyou,Duke,”Isaid,myhandstillextended.
“Thenthepleasureismine,”hesaidfinally.Heacceptedmyhand,hispalmroughandwarmagainstmine.Hehadstrikingeyesthecolorofsterlingsilver.
“Takegoodcareof’em,Knox,”hesaidfinally.
Knoxgruntedinresponseandpulledmebackastep,myhandslidingoutofDuke’s.Themanshuffledoffinthedirectionofthebigcommercialkitchen.
“We’releavin’,”Knoxannounced.“GogetWay.”
SomethinghadcrawledupKnox’sass.Good.Itwouldkeepmefromfallingheadoverheelsfortheman.
Wordlessly,Ipickedupthecoffeehe’dbroughtmeandheadedoutsidetocollectWaylay.
Icoaxedherofftheplayground,tellingherthatitwastimetogohome.Asweweresayingourgood-byes,IspottedKnoxbythetruckwithDuke.
Hewashandingoverabackpackthatlookedasthoughitwasstuffedfull.Theywerehavingsomekindofdiscussionthatlookedintense.Dukekeptnoddingwhilelookingathisfeetandscratchingabsentlyathisarms.
Hedidn’tlookupuntilKnoxheldoutawhiteenvelopeandsaidsomething.
“Who’sKnoxtalkingto?”Waylayasked.
“AmannamedDuke.Hecuthishairearlier.”
“Isheokay?”
Ididn’tknowifshemeantKnoxorDuke.“Idon’tknow,honey.”THIRTY-EIGHTF.I.N.E
Knox
I’dfuckedupinsomanywaysalready,Icouldn’tstopmyselffrommakingitworse.EvenknowingwhatIhadtodonext.
“Knox,”Naomimoaned,hervoicemuffledbyapillow.Thistimeshewasn’tscreaminginfrustration.ShewasdoingherbesttostayquietwhileIfuckedherinmygrandmother’shouse.InthebedroomI’dgrownupin.
Shewasonherhandsandkneesinfrontofme.
IthoughtitwouldbeeasierifIcouldn’tseethoseeyes.IfIdidn’tgettowatchthewaytheywentglassyunderheavylidswhenImadehercomeonelasttime.
Iwasfuckingwrong.
Itightenedmygriponthebackofherneckandhitthebrakesonmythrusts.Itcostme.Butholdingthere,sheathedtothehiltinsideher,wasworthit.
Sheshudderedagainstme,aroundme,whenIpressedanopen-mouthedkisstohershoulderblade.Mytonguedartedouttotasteherskin.Iwantedtobreatheherin.Tocommiteverysecondofthisfeelingtomymemory.
Iwasintoodeep.Iwasdrowning.She’dpulledmeinovermyhead,andIwasthedumbbastardwho’dgonewillingly.ForgettingeverythingI’dlearned,everypromiseI’devermade,everyreasonwhyIcouldn’tdothis.
Thepossibilitythatitwasalreadytoolateloomedlarge.
“Knox.”Hersobwasbroken,andIfeltherwallsflutteraroundmythrobbingdick.Mybloodpulsedinresponse.
Istrokedmyhanddownherback,worshipingthesilkywarmthundermypalm.
Naomipulledherheadoutofthepillowandlookedoverhershoulderatme.Herhairwasamess,herlipsswollen,lidsheavy.Shewassecondsfromcoming.Fromgivingmethatmiracle.Myballstightened,andIdugmyteethintomylip.
Ineededthis.Ineededtogiveherthis.Onelasttime.
Idraggedherupsowewerebothonourknees.Herbackflushtomyfront.
Sheliftedherarmsoverhead,reachingbacktogripmyneck,myshoulder.
“Please,Knox.Please,”shebegged
Ididn’tneedanyfurtherencouragement.Igrippedherbreastwithonehandandsenttheotherslidinglower,betweenherlegswherewewerestilljoined.
Onetestingthrust,andherheadfellbackagainstmyshoulder.
Ipulledoutalmostallthewaybeforedrivingbackin.
Shewascoming.Hermusclesundulatedaroundme,grippingmycock,asIworkedherclit,mindlesslydrivingherovertheedge.
AndthenIwasfollowingher.Divingoffthecliffbehindher,lettingherorgasmmilkmine.Icamehard,deep.Givingupthatfirsthotspurttoherfeltsofuckingright.
Shebowedback,acceptingwhatIhadtogiveher.Relishingiteven.
Ifuckinglovedit.
Ifuckinglovedher
Itwasn’tuntilIwasempty,stillmovinginher,stillchasingthathigh,thatIrememberedhowfuckingwrongitwas.HowfuckedupIwasdoingthistoherwhenIknewwhatcamenext.
ButIcouldn’tstopmyself.
JustlikeIcouldn’tstopmyselffrompushingusbothtothemattress,myarmswrappedtightaroundherchest,holdinghertome.
IwasstillinsideherasIplottedhowIwasgoingtoenditall.
***
Anhourlater,NaomiwassoundasleepasIslippedoutofbed.
Iwantedadrink.Adoubleofsomethingstrongenoughtomakemeforget,tomakemestopcaring.AndbecauseIcravedthenumbness,Iignoreditandfilledaglassofwaterinstead.
“Someone’sdehydrated.”
Iwasrattledenoughtoletmyowngrandmotherstartleme.
“Jesus,LizaJ.What’reyousneakin’aroundfor?”
Sheflippedonthelightswitch,studyingmebehindherbifocals.
“Beenalongtimesinceyousnuckagirlintoyourbedhere,”sheobserved.Shewaswearingplaidpajamashortsandamatchingshort-sleevedtop.Shelookedlikealumberjackonsummervacation.
“Ineversnuckagirlintomybedunderyourroof,”Ilied.
“Bullshit.SoCallieEdwardsjusthappenedtobecheckingtheporchroofatoneo’clockinthemorningsummerofyoursenioryear?”
I’dforgottenaboutCallie.Andalltheotherones.Itwaslikemybrainonlyhadroomforonewomannow.Andthatwastheproblem.
“Don’tmindseein’youwiththem,”shesaid,bumpingmeoutofthewaysoshecouldgetherownglassofwater
“Seein’mewithwho?”
Lizashotmea“cutthebullshit”look.“Naomi.Waylaytoo.Youseemhappy.”
Iwasn’t.Iwasanythingbuthappy.IwasonestepawayfromadownwardspiralI’dneverrecoverfrom.AspiralthatwoulddestroyeverythingI’dbuilt.
“It’snothingserious,”Isaid,feelingdefensive.
“Isawthelookonyourfacewhenyoucameherelastnight.Whenyousawhowclosetroublegottoyourgirl.”
“She’snotmygirl,”Iinsisted,deliberatelyignoringherpoint.
“She’snotyours,she’sboundtoendupassomeoneelse’s.Prettygirllikethat?Thoughtful.Sweet.Funny.Soonerorlater,someonewithanIQhigherthanyourswillbealong.”
“Good.”
She’dfindsomeoneelse.Shedeservedsomeoneelse.Someonefarfromhere,whereIwouldn’thavetorunintoherintheproduceaisleorseeheracrossthebarordownthestreet.NaomiWittwouldjustfadeawayintoaghostofamemory.
ExceptIknewitwasn’ttrue.Shewouldn’tfadeaway.Thehookwasset.I’dtakenthebait.Therewouldn’tbeadayintherestofmylifethatIdidn’tthinkabouther.ThatIwouldn’tsayhernameinmyheadadozentimesjusttoremindmyselfthatIhadheronce.
Ichuggedthewater,tryingtofightoffthetightnessinmythroat.
“Yourbrotherlooksatherlikeshe’sahome-cookedSundaydinner,”Lizaobservedshrewdly.“Maybehe’dbesmartenoughtoknowhowluckyhewas.”
Someofthewatermissedmythroatandhitmylungs.Ichoked,thencoughed
AsIgaspedforair,itplayedoutinmyhead.NaomiandWaylaysittingacrosstheThanksgivingtable.Nash’shandonthebackofherneck.Smilingather,knowin’whatwasinstoreonceeveryoneelsewenthomeforthenight.
Icouldseehermovingoverhiminthedark,thosesweetlipsparting.Hairtumblingoverhereyesasshebreathedoutthename.Nash.
Someoneelsewouldgettoheartheirnamefromhermouth.Someoneelsewouldgettofeelliketheluckiestmanalive.Someoneelsewouldbringhermid-afternooncoffeesandwatchthosehazeleyeslightup.
SomeoneelsewouldtakeherandWaylayback-to-schoolshopping.
Andthatsomeoneverywellcouldbemyownbrother.
“Youokay?”Lizaasked,draggingmeoutofmyvision.
“I’mfine.”Anotherlie.
“Youknowwhattheysayaboutfine.Fuckedup.Insecure.Neurotic.Andemotional,”Lizamuttered.“Turnthelightsoffwhenyou’redone.Electricitydon’tgrowontrees.”
Iturnedthelightsoutandstoodthereinthedarkkitchenhatingmyself.
***
Ihadshardsofglassintheliningofmygut
That’showitfelttoholdthedoortoDino’sopenforNaomi.Shewaswearinganotherdress,butinsteadofthelong,flowingsilhouetteofhersummersundresses,thisonewasfittedwithlongsleeves.IknewfromgettingdressednexttoherthismorningthatshewasalsowearingoneofthepairsofunderwearI’dboughther.
ThefactthatitwasthelasttimethatI’dhavetherighttowatchhergetdressedhadnearlybroughtmetomykneesthatmorning.
Sohadbreakfastwithherentirefuckingfamily.
Onebighappyfamilygatheredaroundthetable.Evendesk-dutyNashhadjoinedthefun.Hell,StefhadFaceTimedinfromParisjusttojudgethebaconNaomimade.
Amandawasthrilledtohaveeveryoneunderthesameroofandhadwhippedupafancy-assbreakfast.Lou,who’dspentmostoftheirtimeintownhatingmyguts,nowactedlikeIwasaStef-leveladditiontothefamily.
He’dchangehistunesoonenough,Iguessed.
Thisonebighappyfamilydealwasn’treal,andthesoonereveryonestoppedpretendingitwas,thebetter.
I’dwalkedWaylaytothebusstopwhileNaomigotreadyforwork.Ididn’tfeelcomfortablelettingeitheroneofthemoutofmysightwhiletherewasthepossibilitythatwhoeverhadbrokeninwasstillintown.Stilllookingtodomoredamage.
WhichmadewhatIwasabouttodoevenmoreofaproblem.
WhenNaomistartedforatablenearthewindow,Isteeredhertoaboothintheback.Public,butnottoopublic.
“SoImadealistforNash,”shesaid,pullingapieceofpaperoutofherpurseandsmoothingitoutonthetable.BlissfullyunawareofwhatIwasabouttodo.
Mybrother’snamecaughtmeoffguard.“Alistofwhat?”Idemanded.
“OfthedatesthatIthinkTinacouldhavebrokenintothecottageandofanysuspiciouspeopleIcouldremember.There’snotmuchthere,andIdon’tknowhowit’sgoingtohelp.ButhesaiditwouldhelpifIcouldatleastnarrowdownthetimingoftheearlierbreak-in,”shesaid,pickingupamenu.
“I’llpassitontohim,”Isaid,wishingforastiffdrink.
“Iseverythingokay?”sheasked,cockingherheadtostudyme.“Youlooktired.”
“Daze,wegottatalk.”Thewordswerechokingme.Myskinfelttootight.Everythingfeltwrong.
“Sincewhendoyoufeellikestringingwordstogether?”sheteased.
Shetrustedme.Thethoughtmademefeellikedogshit.Hereshewas,thinkingherboyfriendwastreatinghertolunchinthemiddleoftheday.ButI’dwarnedher,hadn’tI?I’dtoldhernottoletherselfgettooclosetome.
“Thingshavegotten…complicated,”Isaid.
“Look,Iknowyou’reworriedaboutthebreak-in,”Naomisaid.“ButIthinkwhenthenewsecuritysystemgoesin,itwillbealoadoffourminds.Warnerisbackhome,soifitwashimthrowingsomedestructivetempertantrum,he’stoofarawaytodoitagain.AndifitwasTina,theoddsaresheeitherfoundwhatshewaslookingfororrealizedIdon’thaveit.Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutmeandWay.”
Ididn’trespond.Icouldn’t.Ijustneededtogetthewordsout.
Shereachedacrossthetableandsqueezedmywrist.“Bytheway,IjustwantyoutoknowhowgratefulIamthatyou’rehere.Andyou’rehelping.ItmakesmefeellikeI’mnotalone.Likemaybeforthefirsttimeever,Idon’thavetobecompletelyresponsibleforeverysinglething.Thankyouforthat,Knox.”
Iclosedmyeyesandtriednottothrowup.
“Look.LikeIsaid.”Ihadtogritmyteethtogetthroughit.“Thingsarecomplicated,andpartofthat’sonme.”
Shelookedupandfrowned.“Areyouokay?Youlooktired.”
Iwasfuckingexhausted.Andfullofself-loathing.
“I’mfine,”Iinsisted.“ButIthinkit’stimetomoveon.”
Gotyourselfagirl?Thewordsechoedinmymind.
Herhandstilledonmyarm.“Moveon?”
“I’vehadagoodtime.Ihopeyouhavetoo.Butweneedtostopthisthingbeforeoneofusgetstooattached.”
Shestaredatme,thosehazeleyesstunnedandunblinking.
Fuck.
“Youmeanme,”shesaid,hervoicebarelyaboveawhisper.
“Imeanwhatwe’redoingis…”Scaringtheshitoutofme.“Thisthingbetweenushasrunitscourse.”BecauseIcan’ttrustmyselfwithyou,Ithought.
“Youbroughtmeheretoapublicplacetobreakupwithme?Unbelievable.”
Herhandwasgonenow,andIknewI’dneverfeelitagain.Ididn’tknowwhathadthepowertobreakmefaster,knowingthatorknowingwhatwouldhappenifIdidn’tendthisnow.
“Look,Naomi,webothknewthescorewhenwestartedthis.Ijustthinkbeforeoneofusgetsinovertheirhead,weneedtopullback.”
“I’msuchanidiot,”shewhispered,bringingherfingertipstohertemples.
“Iknowyou’vegotthecustodyhearingcomingupnextmonth,andI’mwillingtostillkeepuptheappearancethatwe’retogether,ifyouthinkit’llhelpyouincourt.AndI’mstillgonnabekeepinganeyeonyouandWayuntilweknowforsurewhobustedintoyourplace.”
“Howmagnanimousofyou,”shesaid,hertoneicy.
Icouldhandleangry.Hell,Icouldeatangryforbreakfasteveryday.Itwasthetears,thehurt,thepainIcouldn’tdealwith.
“IsaidfromthebeginningIdon’tdostrings.”I’dwarnedher.I’dtriedtodotherightthing.YethereshewaslookingatmelikeI’ddeliberatelywoundedher.
Andthensuddenlythelookwasgone.Thesoftnessvanishedfromherface,thefirefromhereyes.
“Iunderstand,”shesaid.“I’malot.Waylay’salot.Thiswholethingisalot.Evenonmybestday,I’mtoomuchandyetnotenough.”Herlaughwashumorless.
“Don’t,Daisy,”IorderedbeforeIcouldhelpmyself.
Shetookaslow,deepbreaththengavemeaperfunctorysmilethatfeltlikeafuckingcleavertotheheart.“Ibelievethat’sthelasttimeyougettotellmewhattodoandcallmeDaisy.”
IfeltsomethingrisinginsidemethathadnothingtodowiththereliefI’dexpected.No.Thisthinggrowinginsidemefeltlikethewhite-hotedgesofpanic.“Don’tbelikethat.”
Sheslidoutoftheboothandstoodup.“Youdidn’thavetodoitthisway.OutinpublicsoIwouldn’tmakesomekindofscene.I’mabiggirl,Knox.Andsomeday,I’mgoingtofindthekindofmanwhowantsanuppity,needypainintheass.Onewhowantstowadeintomymessandstayfortheduration.Obviously,you’renothim.Atleastyoutoldmethatfromthestart.”
Istoodtoo,feelinglikeI’dsomehowlostcontrolofthesituation.“Ididn’tsaythat.”
“Thoseareyourwords,andyou’reright.Ishouldhavelistenedthefirsttimeyousaidthem.”
Shegrabbedherpurseandsnatchedthepaperoffthetableinfrontofme.
“Thankyouforyourofferofpretendingtobeinterestedinme,butIthinkI’llpass.”Shewouldn’tlookmeintheeye.
“Nothingneedstochange,Naomi.Youcanstillworkatthebar.YouandLizastillhaveanarrangement.Everythingelsecanstaythesame.”
“Ihavetogo,”shesaid,startingforthedoor.
Igrabbedherarmandpulledherintome.Ithadfeltsonatural,andithadtheotherbenefitofforcinghertolookatme.Theknotinmygutloosenedtemporarilywhenhergazemetmine.
“Here,”Isaid,yankingtheenvelopeoutofmybackpocketandhandingitover.
“What’sthis?AlistofreasonsIwasn’tgoodenough?”
“It’scash,”Isaid.
SherecoiledlikeI’dtoldheritwasanenvelopeofspiders.
“Takeit.It’llhelpyouandWayout.”
Sheslappedtheenvelopeagainstmychest.“Idon’twantyourmoney.Idon’twantanythingfromyounow.Butespeciallynotyourmoney.”
Withthat,shetriedtoyankfree.Itwasareflexthathadmetighteningmygrip.
“Take.Your.Hands.Off.Me,Knox,”Naomisaidsoftly.
Itwasn’tfireinhereyesnow.Itwasice.
“Naomi,itdoesn’thavetobethisway.”
“Good-bye,Knox.”
Sheslippedoutofmygrip,leavingmestaringafterherlikeanidiot.THIRTY-NINEBREAKINGUP,DOWN,ANDTHROUGH
Naomi
Toocomplicated.Toomuch.Tooneedy.Notworthit.
Thethoughtsswirledinmyheadonaviciousmerry-go-roundasImarcheddownthesidewalk,Knockemoutblurringaroundmethroughunshedtears.
I’dmadealifehere.I’dbuiltupafantasyinmymind.Takenafternooncoffeesandwhispereddirtytalktomeansomethingelseentirely.Hedidn’twantme.Heneverhad.
Worse,hehadn’twantedWaylayeither.I’dtakenmyyoung,impressionablechargeanddraggedherintomyrelationshipwithamanwhowasnevergoingtobethereforherinthelong-term.
I’dseenitinhiseyes.Thepity.Hefeltsorryforme.Poor,stupidNaomifallingforthebadboywho’dmadenopromises.
Andthemoney.ThegallofthemanthinkinghecouldbreakmyheartandthenforkovercashlikeIwasaprostituteandlikeitwouldsomehowmakeeverythingallright.Itaddedanewlayertothehumiliation.
IwasgoingtogotoLiza’s,fakeamigraine,andspendtherestofthedayinbed.ThenIwasgoingtohaveanoverduechatwithmyselfaboutpickingthewrongfuckingguy.Again.
AndwhenIwasdonelecturingmyself,IwasgoingtomakesurethatWaylayneverletherselfgetstuckintopositionslikethis.
Oh,God.Ilivedinthesmalltownoffreakingsmalltowns.I’dseehimaround.Everywhere.Atthecoffeeshop.Atwork.Thiswashistown.Notmine.
DidIevenbelonghere?
“Hey,Naomi!”BudNickelbeecalledasheduckedoutofthehardwarestore.“JustwantedtoletyouknowIpoppedoutthismorningandfixedyourfrontdoor.”
Istoppedinmytracks.“Youdid?”
Hebobbedhishead.“Heardaboutthetroubleanddidn’twantyoutohavetoworryaboutgettingtherepairsdone.”
Ihuggedhimhard.“Youhavenoideahowmuchthatmeanstome.Thankyou,Bud.”
Heshruggedagainstme,thenawkwardlypattedmyback.“Justfiguredyouhadenoughcraptodealwithandthoughtyoucoulduseabreak.”
“You’reagoodman,Bud.”
“Okaaaaaay,”hesaid.“Youallright?Youneedmetocallsomeone?IcanhaveKnoxcomegetyou.”
Ishookmyheadrapidlyfromsidetosideuntilthehardwarestoreanditsownerblurredbeforeme.“No!”Ibarked.“Imean,thanksbutno.”
ThedoortoDino’sopened,andmystomachdroppedintomytoeswhenKnoxsteppedoutsideontothesidewalk.
Iturnedaway,prayingforinvisibility.
“Naomi,”hecalled.
Istartedwalkingintheoppositedirection.
“Naomi,comeon.Stop,”Knoxsaid.
Butwithjustafewwords,he’dpermanentlylosttheprivilegeofmelisteningtohimwhenhetoldmewhattodo.
“Now,Knox.Idon’tthinktheladywantstotalktoyourightnow,”IheardBudadvise.
“Stepaside,Bud,”IheardKnoxgrowl.
Iwasanidiot.ButatleastIwasafast-movingidiot.
Iwalkedbrisklydowntheblock,determinedtoleaveKnoxinmyrearviewmirrorjustlikemyex-fiancé.
Amandoesn’tgoallinwithawoman,it’sforareason.
Maybehe’slookingforsomethingbetter.
MychestphysicallyachedasKnox’swordsaboutWarnerechoedinmyhead.
Wastheresomeoneouttherewhowouldfindmetobeenough?Nottoomuchortoolittle,butthepersonthey’dbeenwaitingfortheirwholelife.
TearsburnedmyeyesasIturnedthecorneratajog.
Iblamedthemfornotseeingthewomanwhosteppedoutofthestorefront.
“I’msosorry,”Isaid,asplitsecondafterbarrelingintoher.
“Ms.Witt.”
OhdearGod,no.
YolandaSuarez,sterncaseworkerwhohadneveronceseenmeatmybest,lookednonplussedatthefull-bodycontact
Iopenedmymouth,butnosoundcameout.
“Areyouallright?”sheasked.
Theliewasonthetipofmytongue.Sofamiliaritalmostfelttrue.Butitwasn’t.Sometimesthetruthwasbiggerthananyintention.
“No,I’mnot.”
Tenminuteslater,Istareddownataheartdrawninthefoamofthelatteinfrontofme.
“So,that’severything.IpretendedtobeinarelationshipwithamanwhotoldmenottofallinlovewithhimandthenIdid.Myex-fiancéshowedupatmyjobandcausedascene.Someonebrokeintoourhouse,andnooneissureifitwashim,Tina,orarandomcriminal.Oh,andWaylaytriedtogetrevengeonameanteacherwithfieldmice.”
Acrossfromme,Yolandapickeduphergreenteaandsipped.Shesetthemugdown.“Well,then.”
“Broughtyousomecookies,”Justicesaid,lookingmournful.Heslidaplateontothetablenearmyelbow.
“Werethesehearts?”Iasked,holdingupwhatwasclearlyonehalfofapinkfrostedheart.
Hewinced.“Ibroke’eminhalf.Washopingyouwouldn’tnotice.”
“Thankyou,Justice.That’ssosweetofyou,”Isaid.Beforeleaving,hesqueezedmyshoulder,andIhadtobitetheinsideofmycheektokeepfromcrying.
“BasicallywhatI’msayingisI’mabigenoughmessthatIcan’thideit,andyoudeservetoknowthetruth.ButIpromiseyou—eventhoughmylifedoesn’tlooklikeit—Iamextremelyorganized,resourceful,andIwilldowhateverittakestokeepWaylaysafe.”
“Naomi,”shesaid,“Waylayisluckytohaveyouasaguardian,andanycourtinthestateisgoingtocometothesameconclusion.Herattendanceatschoolisimproved.Hergradesareup.Shehasrealfriends.You’remakingapositiveimpactonthatlittlegirl’slife.”
Foronceinmylife,Ididn’twantagoldstar.Iwantedsomeonetoseeme.ReallyseemeforthehotmessIwas.“WhataboutallthethingsI’mdoingwrong?”
IthoughtIdetectedahintofpityinMrs.Suarez’ssmile.“That’sparenting.We’realldoingourbest.We’reexhausted,confused,andfeelinglikewe’reconstantlybeingjudgedbyeveryoneelsewholookslikethey’vegotitallfiguredout.Butnoonedoes.We’realljustmakingitupaswego.”
“Really?”Iwhispered.
Sheleanedforward.“LastnightIgroundedmytwelve-year-oldforthreedaysbecausehewasonmylastnervebeforehetoldmethathelikedhisfriendEvan’smom’smeatballsbetterthanmine.”
Shetookanothersipoftea.“AndtodayI’llapologizeandungroundhimifhecleanedhisroom.EventhoughEvan’smomgetshermeatballsfromthefreezersectionofGrover’sGroceries.”
Imanagedatremuloussmile.“It’sjustlifeissomuchharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe,”Iconfessed.“IthoughtifIhadaplanandfollowedtherules,itwouldbeeasy.”
“CanIgiveyousomeadvice?”sheasked.
“Pleasedo.”
“Atsomepoint,youhavegottostopworryingsomuchaboutwhateveryoneelseneedsandstartthinkingaboutwhatyouneed.”
Iblinked.“Iwouldthinkselflessnesswasagoodqualityinaguardian,”Isaidwithadefensivesniff.
“Soissettinganexampleforyournieceabouthowshedoesn’tneedtoturnherselfinsideouttobeloved.Howshedoesn’tneedtosetherselfonfiretokeepsomeoneelsewarm.Demandingtohaveyourownneedsmetisn’tproblematic—it’sheroic,andkidsarewatching.They’realwayswatching.Ifyousetanexamplethattellshertheonlywayshe’sworthyofloveisbygivingeveryoneeverything,she’llinternalizethatmessage.”
Idroppedmyforeheadtothetablewithagroan.
“There’sadifferencebetweentakingcareofsomeonebecauseyoulovethemandtakingcareofsomeonebecauseyouwantthemtoloveyou,”shecontinued.
Therewasabigdifference.Oneofthemwasgenuineandgiving,andtheotherwasmanipulative,controlling.
“You’regoingtobefine,Naomi,”Yolandaassuredme.“You’vegotabigheart,andsoonerorlater,onceallthisdramaisover,someoneisgoingtolookatyouandrecognizeit.Andthey’regoingtowanttotakecareofyouforachange.”
Yeah,right.
IwasrealizingthattheonlypersonIcouldcountoninthislifewasme.AndStef,ofcourse.Buthimbeinggaydefinitelyputadamperonourromance.
“AboutKnox,”shesaid.
Ipickedmyheadupoffthetable.Justhearinghisnamewasajaggedsplinterinmyheart.
“Whatabouthim?”
“Idon’tknowanotherwomanintownwhowouldn’thavefallenunderKnoxMorgan’sspellgiventhetimeandattentionhegaveyou.I’llalsosaythis—I’veneverseenhimlookatanyonethewayhelooksatyou.Ifhewasfakingthosefeelings,someoneneedstogetthatmananAcademyAward.”
“I’veknownhimforagood,longtime.AndI’veneverknownhimtodoanythinghedidn’twanttodo,especiallywhenitcomestowomen.Ifhewillinglyagreedtotheguiseofarelationship,hewantedit.”
“Itwashisidea,”Iwhispered.Asparkofhopelitinsideme.OneIimmediatelyextinguished.
Amandoesn’tgoallinwithawoman,it’sforareason.
“Hehadashittimewithhismom’sdeathandeverythingthatcameafter,”shecontinued.“Hedidn’thavethehappilyeverafterexampleyougrewupwith.Sometimeswhenyoudon’tknowwhat’spossible,youcan’thopeforityourself.”
“Ms.Suarez.”
“IthinkatthispointyoucancallmeYolanda.”
“Yolanda,we’repracticallythesameage.Howdoyouhaveallofthiswisdom?”
“I’vebeenmarriedtwiceandhavefourkids.Myparentshavebeenmarriedforfiftyyears.Myhusband’sparentshavebeendivorcedandremarriedsomanytimesneitherofuscankeepcount.Ifthere’sonethingIunderstand,it’sloveandhowdamnmessyitcanbe.”
***
“Hi,sweetie.Howwaslunch?”Mymomwasdressedinadirt-streakedt-shirtandsunhat.Shehadaglassoficedteainonehandandagardeninggloveontheother.
“Hi,Mom,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmyeyesavertedasIheadedforthefrontporch.AmandaWitthadakeensenseofwhensomethingwaswrongwithsomeone,andthiswasnotaconversationIfeltlikehaving.“Where’sWay?”
“Yourfathertookhertothemall.What’swrong?Whathappened?Didsomeonechokeonabreadstickatlunch?”
Ishookmyhead,nottrustingmyvoice.
“DidsomethinghappenwithKnox?”sheaskedsofternow.
Itriedtoswallowaroundthelumpinmythroat,butIwaschokingonunshedtears.
“Okay.Let’sgositdown,”shesaid,guidingmedownthehalltothebedroomshewassharingwithmyfather.
Itwasabright,prettyroomdoneincreamsandgrays.Therewasalargefour-posterbedandwindowsthatoverlookedthebackyardandcreek.Avaseoffreshflowerssatonatabletuckedbetweentwoarmchairsthatoccupiedthespaceinfrontofthewindows.
“I’lljustspreadthisout,”Momsaid,drapingmyfather’srattybathrobeoveroneofthearmchairs.ShehatedtherobeandhadtriedsixwaystoSundayovertheyearstogetridofit.ButDadalwaysfoundawaytoresurrectit.
Sheploppeddownontherobe-coveredchairandpattedtheonenexttoher.“Sit.Talk.”
IshookmyheadevenasIsat.“Mom,I’mreallynotinthemoodtotalkrightnow.”
“Well,toughshit,sweetie.”
“Mom!”
Sheshrugged.“I’veletyougetawaywiththis‘don’tbeaburden’routineforfartoolong.Itwaseasierformetorelyonyoutoalwaysbehave.Toalwaysbetheeasydaughter.Andthat’snotfairtoyou.”
“Whatareyousaying?”
“I’msaying,dear,sweet,heart-of-golddaughterofmine:Stoptryingtobesodamnperfect.”
Iwasn’tsureifIwaspreparedtohavethisconversationanymorethantheKnoxconversation.
“You’velivedyourwholelifetryingtomakeupforyoursister.Tryingtoneverburdenanyone,neveraskforanythingyouneeded,neverdisappoint.”
“Ifeellikethat’ssomethingaparentwouldn’twanttocomplainabout,”Isaiddefensively.
“Naomi,Ineverwantedyoutobeperfect.Ijustwantedyoutobehappy.”
“I’m…happy,”Ilied.
“YourfatherandIdideverythingwecouldtohelpTinabehappyandhealthy.Butitwasn’therpath.Andittookyears,butwefinallyunderstoodthatitwasn’tourpathtoturnherintosomeoneshe’snot.Wedidourbestwithyoursister.ButTina’schoicesarenotameasureofourworth.It’satoughlesson,butwegotit.Nowit’syourturn.Youcan’tliveyourentirelifetryingtomakeupforyoursister’smistakes.”
“Iwouldn’tsaythat’showI’velivedmyentirelife,”Ihedged.
Momreachedoverandbrushedherhandovermycheek.Ifeltthegritofdirttransfertomyskin.“Whoops!Sorryaboutthat.”ShelickedherthumbandleanedinfortheMompolish.
“I’mtoooldforthis,”Icomplained,backingaway.
“Listen,sweetie.You’reallowedtohaveneeds.You’reallowedtomakemistakes.You’reallowedtomakedecisionsyourfatherorImightnotagreewith.It’syourlife.You’reabeautiful,big-hearted,intelligentwomanwhoneedstostartfiguringoutwhatshewants.”
WhatdidIwant?
RightnowIjustwantedtocrawlinbedandpullthecoversovermyheadforaweek.ButIcouldn’t.Ihadresponsibilities.Andoneofthoseresponsibilitieshadconnedmyfatherintotakinghertothemall.
“Doyouevenwanttobeaguardian?”Momasked.
Istilledatthequestion.
“Ican’timaginethattakinginasoon-to-betwelve-year-oldfitneatlyintoyourlifeplan.”
“Mom,Icouldn’tjustletherendupwithstrangers.”
“Whataboutyourfatherandme?Youdidn’tthinkwe’dbethrilledtomakeroominourlivesforagranddaughter?”
“Youshouldn’thavetoraiseyourdaughter’sdaughter.It’snotfair.Dad’sretired.You’llbetheresoon.Thatcruisewasthefirstbigtripyoutwohaveevertakentogether.”
“Doyouwanttobeherguardian?”Momrepeated,ignoringmyexcellentpoints.
DidIwantthis?DidIwanttobeasurrogatemothertoWaylay?
Ifeltanechoofthatwarmglowinmychest.Itpushedbackagainstthecoldthathadsettledthere.
“Yeah,”Isaid,feelingmymouthdotheimpossibleandcurveintoasmallsmile.Itwasthetruth.IwantedthismorethanI’deverwantedanythingonmytodolist.MorethananygoalIwassingle-mindedlymarchingtoward.“Ireallydo.Iloveher.Ilovebeingaroundher.Ilovewhenshecomeshomefromschoolburstingwithnewstotellme.Ilovewatchinghergrowintothissmart,strong,confidentkidwho,everyonceinawhile,letsherguarddownandletsmein.”
“Iknowhowthatfeels,”Momsaidgently.“Iwishitwouldhappenmoreoften.”
Ouch.Directhit.
“KnoxandIbrokeup,”Isaidinarush.“Wewereneverreallytogether.Wewerejusthavingreally,reallygreatsex.ButIaccidentallyfellinlovewithhim,whichhewarnedmenottodo.AndnowhethinksI’mtoocomplicatedandnotworththeeffort.”
Momlookedathericedtea,thenbackatme.“Ithinkwe’regonnaneedastrongerdrink.”
***
HourslaterItiptoedoutontothedeckwithmyphoneinhand.Thephonehe’dboughtme.Whichmeantitneededtobesmashedintoamillionpiecesatmyearliestconvenience.
Therestofthefamilywascleaningupfromdinner.AdinnerthatKnoxwasconspicuouslyabsentfrom.MymomhaddistractedWaylayfromhisabsencebydemandingapost-dinnerfashionshowofthenewwintercoatandsweatersmypushoverfatherhadboughther.
Ihadaheadachefromfakesmiling.
IdialedthenumberbeforeIcouldchickenout.
“Witty!What’sup?Didtheyfindthebastardwhobrokein?”
I’dtextedhimandSloaneaboutthebreak-in.Butthisdeservedaphonecall.
“Stef.”Myvoicebrokeonhisname
“Shit.Whathappened?Areyouokay?IsWaylayokay?”
Ishookmyhead,tryingtodislodgethelumpinmythroat.WhenIrememberedwhatKnoxhadsaid.
“Donotshedonemoretearoversomeassholewhoneverdeservedyouinthefirstplace.”
Iclearedmythroat.“Knoxendedthings.”
“Thatgorgeouspieceofgarbage.Fakeendedthingsorforrealendedthings?”
“Realendedthings.I’mtoo‘complicated.’”
“Whatthehelldoeshewant?Asimpleton?Simpletonsareterribleinbed,andthey’reworseatblowjobs.”
Imanagedapatheticchuckle.
“Listentome,Naomi.Ifthatmanisn’tsmartenoughtorecognizehowamazinglyintelligentandbeautifulandkindandcaringandwickedlyawesomeatboardgamesyouare,it’shisloss.Whichmakeshimthesimpleton.Iforbidyoutospendonesecondofyourtimeover-thinkingthisandcomingtothefalseconclusionyou’retheonewiththeproblem.”
Well,therewentmyeveningplans.
“Ican’tbelieveIfellforhim,Stef.WhatwasIthinking?”
“Youwerethinking,‘here’sagorgeousmanwho’sgreatinbedwhowalksmyniecetothebusstop,breaksmyex’snose,andbringsmemid-afternooncoffeesoIdon’tgetcranky.’Allthesignsweretherebecauseheputthemthere.Ifyouaskme—whichIknowyoudidn’t—I’mbettinghewasn’tfakingit.Hewasfeelingit,anditscaredtheshitoutofhim.Thebeautiful,tattooedpieceofchickenshit.”
“Ireallyneedtostoptextingyouabouteverythingthathappensinmyday,”Idecided.“It’sco-dependent.”
“I’llbringitupwithourcouplestherapist,”Stefquipped.“Listen.I’llbebackinKnockemoutinafewdays.Whatdoyouwanttodountilthen?GetoutofDodge?Buyanew‘fuckyou’wardrobe?”
Hemeantit.IfIsaidIfeltlikeflyingtoRomeandspendingaridiculousamountofmoneyonshoes,hewouldbooktheplanetickets.IfItoldhimIwantedtogetrevengeonKnoxbyfillinghishousewithStyrofoampeanutsandcatlitter,StefwouldshowupatmyhousewithaU-Haulpackedwithretributionsupplies.
MaybeIdidn’tneedalifepartner.MaybeIalreadyhadone.
“IthinkIwanttopretendhedoesn’texistlongenoughthatIforgethedoes,”Idecided.
Iwantedtomakehimnotmatter.Iwantedtonotfeeladamnthingwhenhewalkedintoaroom.IwantedtoforgetI’deverfallenforhiminthefirstplace.
“That’sannoyinglymatureofyou,”Stefobserved.
“ButIwanthimtosufferwhileIforget,”Iadded.
“That’smygirl,”hesaid.“Soit’sastraightforwardIceQueenwithasideofSwan.”
Imanagedawaterysmiledespitethegapingholeinmychestcavity.“Thatsoundsaboutright.”
“KeepaneyeonyourmailboxforanorderfromSephora,”Stefsaid.
Noamountofexpensivecosmeticswouldmakemefeelbetter.ButIalsoknewthatthiswasStefshowingmehowmuchhelovedme,andIcouldlethim.
“Thanks,Stef,”Iwhispered.
“Hey.Keepyourchinup,Witty.You’vegotakidtosetanexamplefor.Resilienceisn’tabadtraittopasson.Getoutthereandhavesomefun.Evenifitdoesn’tfeelfunrightaway,justfakeittillyoumakeit.”
IhadafeelingI’dbefakingitforaverylongtime.
KnoxMorganwasn’tthekindofmanyougotover.Ever.FORTYTHECONSEQUENCESOFBEINGANIDIOT
Knox
“Stoplookingatmelikethat,”Iordered.
Waylonhuffedoutasighthatruffledhisjowls.Helookedmoremournfulthanusual,whichwassayingsomethingforabassethound.Hewasalsosittinginmylap,withhispawsonmychest,creepilystaringatme.
Apparentlymydogwasn’tafanofthefactthatwewerebackatthecabinfull-time.
Hedidn’tseeitassparingNaomifromseeingmeatthedinnertable.
Hedidn’tcarethatitwastherightfuckingthingtodo.
Itwastherightthingtodo,Iremindedmyself.
Nomatterhowhurtshe’dlooked.
“Fuck,”Imutteredtomyself,swipingahandovermybeard.
Draggingitoutwouldhaveonlymadethingsmorecomplicated,hurtmorefeelings.
She’dbeensorelaxedandhappy,sittingacrossfrommeatDino’s.SodamngorgeousIcouldn’tlookdirectlyatherorlookaway.Thenthelighthadgonerightoutofher.
I’ddonethat.I’dextinguishedit
Butitwastherightfuckingthing.
I’dfeelbettersoon.Ialwaysdid.Therelieffromendingacomplicationwouldcome,andIwouldn’tfeelso…unsettled.
Withnothingbettertodo,Ipoppedthetoponmythirdbeer.
ItwasMonday.I’dputinafullafternoonatWhiskeyClipper,movingintomyofficewhenclientsandstaffstartedshootingdirtylooksatme.WordspreadfastinKnockemout.I’dplannedonworkingtonightatthebar,butwhenI’dwalkedinthedooratHonkyTonkMaxandSilverhadbooedme.ThenFiflippedmethebirdandtoldmetocomebackwhenIlearnedhowtobelessofanasshole.
ThiswaswhyIdidn’tmessaroundwithKnockemoutwomen.
Theywererattlesnakemeanwhenriled.SohereIwas.Homeforthenight.Enjoyingmysolitude.
Itwouldallblowoversoon.I’dstopfeelinglikeshit.Naomiwouldgetoverit.Andeveryonewouldmovethefuckon.
Waylonletoutanothergrumbleandshotapointed,droopylookathisemptyfooddish.
“Fine.”
Hejumpeddown,andIfedhim,thenreturnedtothelivingroom,whereIfloppeddownonthecouchandreachedfortheremote.
Instead,myfingersfoundthepictureframe.SinceIhadnothingbettertodo,Ipickeditupandstudiedit.Myparentshadbeenhappy.They’dbuiltalifeformeandNash.Agoodone.
Untilithadallcrumbledbecausethefoundationwasunstable.
Iranafingerovermymom’ssmilingfaceinthephotoandwonderedforjustamomentwhatshe’dthinkofNaomiandWaylay.
Whatshe’dthinkofme.
Afteralongpullfromthebottle,Ishiftedmyattentiontomyfather’sface.Hewasn’tlookingatthecamera,atwhoeverhadtakenthepicture.Hisattentionwasonmymom.She’dbeenthelightandtheglue.Everythingthathadmadeourfamilystrongandhappy.Andwhenshe’dgone,we’dcollapsedinonourselves.
Iputthephotodown,anglingitawaysoIwouldn’thavetolookintothepastanymore.
ThepastandthefutureweretwoplacesIhadnobusinessbeing.Theonlythingthatmatteredwasrightnow.Andrightnow…well,Istillfeltlikeshit.
Readytonumboutforanight,IreachedfortheremoteagainwhenaloudknocksentWaylongallopingtothefrontdoor,earsflapping.
Ifollowedatamoredignifiedpace.
Crisp,SeptembereveningairwaftedinwhenIopenedthedoor.
Nashstoodonthedoorstep,jawclenched,handsfistedathisside.
“You’reluckyIgottadothisright-handed.”
“Dowha—”
Ididn’tgetachancetofinishthequestionbeforemybrother’sfistconnectedwithmyface.Likeanygoodsuckerpunch,itrangmybellandknockedmebackafullstep.
“Ow!Fuck!Whatthehell,Nash?”
Hepushedpastmeandstompedinside.“WhatdidItellyou?”hesnarledoverhisshoulder.Heopenedmyfridgeandhelpedhimselftoabeer.
“Jesus.Tellmeaboutwhat?”Iasked,workingmyjawbackandforth.
“Naomi,”Luciansaid.
“Christ,Lucy.Wheredidyoucomefrom?”
“Idrove.”HeclappedmeontheshoulderandfollowedNashintothekitchen.“Feelbetter?”heaskedmybrother.
Nashhandedhimabeerandshrugged.“Notreally.He’sgotahardfacetogowiththatthickhead.”
“Whatareyoutwoassholesdoinghere?”Idemanded,swipingLucian’sbeerandholdingittomyjaw.
Nashhandedhimafreshone.
“Naomi,ofcourse,”Luciansaid,acceptingthebeerandsquattingdowntopetWaylon.
“Forfuck’ssake.Thatshitisnoneofyourbusiness.”
“Maybenot.Butyouare,”Luciansaid.
“Itoldyounottofuckitup,”Nashsaid.
“Thisisbullshit.Youcan’tjustcomeintomyhouse,punchmeintheface,playwithmydog,anddrinkmybeer.”
“Wecanwhenyou’rebeingastupid,stubbornsonofabitch,”mybrothersnapped.
“No.Donotsit.Don’tmakeyourselvescomfortable.IfinallyhaveanighttomyselfandI’mnotwastingitwithyoutwo.”
Luciantookhisbeerandwanderedintothelivingroom.Hesankintooneofthearmchairsandputhisfeetuponthecoffeetable,lookingcontentenoughtostaytherefortherestofthenight.
“SometimesIreallyhateyouassholes,”Icomplained.
“Feeling’smutual,”Nashgrowled.ButhishandwasgentlewhenheleanedovertogiveWaylonthelovinghedemanded.Thedog’stailblurredintohappiness.
“Youdon’thateus,”Luciandeclaredmildly.“Youhateyourself.”
“Fuckoff.WhywouldIhatemyself?”Ineededtomove.IneededtobuyathousandacresandbuildadamncabininthedamnmiddleandnevertelladamnsoulwhereIlived.
“Becauseyoujusttoldthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyoutotakeadamnhike,”Nashsaid.
“Awomanisnevergoingtobethebestthingthathappenstome,”Iinsisted.Thewordstastedsuspiciouslylikealie.
“Youarethestupidestsonofabitchinthestate,”mybrothersaidwearily.
“He’snotwrong,”Lucianagreed.
“WhyinthehelldoyoutwohaveyourpantiesinatwistoverwhoIdoordon’tdate?Itwasneverrealanyway.”
“You’remakingahugefuckingmistake,”Nashinsisted.
“Whatdoyoucare?Nowyougetyourshotather.”Thethoughtofit,justthesplitsecondimagininghimwithNaomi,nearlybroughtmetomyknees.
Mybrothersetdownhisbeer.“Yeah,I’mdefinitelyhittinghimagain.”
Luciandroppedhisheadbackagainstthecushion.“IsaidI’dgiveyouone.You’vehadit.Findanewwaytogetthroughhisthickskull.”
“Fine.Let’strysomethingnew.Thetruth.”
“Hownovel,”Luciansaid.
Iwasn’tgoingtogetridofeitherofthemuntilthey’dsaidtheirpiece.“Saywhatyouneedtosay,thengetthehellout.”
“Thishappenseverytimeheseeshim,”NashcomplainedtoLucian.
Luciannodded.“Iamaware.”
Ididn’tlikethatmybrotherandmybestfriendseemedtohaveahistoryofmakingupanddiscussingmyissues.
“Seeswho?”
Nashleveledmewithalook.
Irolledmyeyes.“Oh,comethefuckon.IbrokeitoffwithNaomibecauseshewasgonnagetherselfhurt.Ididtherightthing,andithadnothingtodowithanyoneelse.Sostoptryingtofuckinganalyzeme.”
“Soit’sjustacoincidencethatyouseehim,andtheverynextdayyoudecidethingsaregettingtooserious?”
“HehasnothingtodowithanythingIdo,”Iinsisted.
“Howmuchdidyougivehim?”Nashasked.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Howmuchcashdidyougivehim?That’swhatyoudo.Youtrytosolveproblemswithmoney.Trytobuyyourwayoutoffeelingpain.Butyoucan’t.Youcan’tbuyDadintosobriety.Youcouldn’tbuymeintoalifeyouwerecomfortablewith.Andyousureasfuckcan’tmakeyourselffeelbetteraboutbreakingNaomi’sheartbyhandingherawadofcash.”
Lucian’sgazecuttome.“Tellmeyoudidn’t.”
Islammedmybottledownonthecounter,sendingageyserofbeereverywhere.“Iwarnedher.Itoldhernottogetattached.Sheknewtherewasnochance.It’snotmyfaultshe’sthisromanticwhothoughtIcouldchange.Ican’tchange.Idon’twanttochange.AndwhythefuckamIevenhavingthisconversationwithyou?Ididn’tdoanythingwrong.Itoldhernottofall.”
“Actionsspeaklouderthanwords,dipshit.”Nashthrewuphisgoodhand.“Luce,youtakethis.”
Lucianleanedforwardinhischair,elbowsrestingonhisknees.
“Ibelievewhatyourbrotheristryingtotellyouisthatwhileyousaidyoucouldn’tandwouldn’tcare,youractionstoldhersomethingelse.”
“Wehadsex,”Isaidflatly.Greatsex.Mind-blowingsex.
Lucianshookhishead.“Youshowedupforhertimeandtimeagain.Yougaveheraplacetolive,ajob.Youwenttoherniece’sschool.Youbashedinherex’sface.”
“Boughtheracellphone.Helpedhergetacar,”Nashadded.
“Youlookedatherlikeshewastheonlywomanyousaw.Youmadeherbelieve,”Luciancontinued.Waylontrottedovertohimandheftedhisbulkintomyfriend’slap.
“Andthenyoutriedtobuyheroff,”Nashsaid.
Iclosedmyeyes.“Ididn’ttrytobuyheroff.Iwantedtomakesureshewastakencareof.”
Andshe’dthrownitbackinmyface
“Andwhatpartofthatsentimentsays‘Idon’tcareaboutyou’?”Lucianasked.
“Youcan’tusecashasareplacementforactuallyshowingupforsomeone.”
Nash’svoicewasmiserableenoughthatIopenedmyeyesandlookedathim.Reallylookedathim.
IsthatwhathethoughtI’ddonewhenI’dofferedhimthelotterymoney?WhenI’dallbutshoveditdownhisthroat.
Hiscareerinlawenforcementhadbeenastickingpointforus.Butratherthansitdownandtalktohimaboutit,I’dtriedtopullhisstringswiththepromiseofapileofcash.Enoughthathe’dneverhavetoworryorworkagain.Isawitastakingcare.
“Youshouldhavekeptthemoney.Maybethenyouwouldn’thaveendedupbleedinginafuckingditch,”Isaidevenly.
Nashshookhishead.“Youstilldon’tgetit,doyou,Knox?”
“Getwhat?Thatyou’remorestubbornthanIam?Thatifyou’dlistenedtomethatcarjackingcowardwouldn’thavealmostendedyourlife?Bytheway,Luce,youdigupanythingyet?”
“Workingonit,”Luciansaid.
Nashignoredthesidebar.“Youdon’tgetthatI’dstillputonthatuniform.EvenifIknewIwasgoingtotakeanotherhittomorrow.I’dstillwalkintothatbuildingyourmoneypaidforevenifIknewitwasmylastdayonearth.Becausethat’swhatyoufuckingdowhenyoulovesomething.Youshowup.Evenifyou’repissingyourpantsscared.Andifyoutwodon’tstaythefuckoutofpolicebusiness,orifyoueventhinkaboutgoingvigilante,Iwillthrowbothyourassesinacell.”
“Agreetodisagree,”Luciansaid.Waylon’stailthumpedonthearmofthechair.
“Youaboutdone?”Iasked,suddenlytootiredtofight.
“About.Youwannadotherightthing,youneedtotellNaomitherealreasonyoulethergo.”
“Oh?Andwhat’stherealreason?”Iaskedwearily.
“Thatyou’rescareddowntoyourfuckingbonesthatyou’llfallhardandenduplikeDad.LikeLizaJ.Thatyouwon’tbeabletoholdupunderthebad.”
Hiswordslandedlikearrowszeroinginonabull’s-eyeIdidn’tknowIwaswearing.
“It’sfunny.Iusedtothinkmybigbrotherwasthesmartestguyontheplanet.Now,Irealizehe’sjustadelusionalfool.”Hestartedforthedoor,pausingwhenhegottoit.“Youcouldhavebeenhappy,man.Notjustsafe.Happy.Likeweusedtobe.”
LucianscoopedWaylonontothefloorandfollowedhimoutthedoor.
***
Whenthey’dgone,takingmybeerandtheirrighteousfrustrationswiththem,IsatinthedarkandstaredattheblankTV,doingmybestnottothinkaboutwhatthey’dsaid.
IwentsofarastostartlookingforlargeparcelsoflandfarthefuckawayfromKnockemout.
Myphonesignaledatext.
Stef:Seriously?Iwarnedyou,man.Youcouldn’thavejustnotbeenaselfishdick?
Itossedmyphoneasideandclosedmyeyes.CoulditpossiblybetruethatmybesteffortstotakecareofthepeopleIcaredaboutamountedtomepushingamountainofmoneybetweenus?Moneygavethemsecurity,anditprotectedme.
ThepoundingonmydoorjoltedWaylonawake.
Hegaveashortsharpbark,thendecidedthechairwasmorecomfortableandimmediatelywentbacktosleep.
“Gothefuckaway,”Icalled.
“Openthedamndoor,Morgan.”
Itwasn’tNashorLucianbackforroundtwo.Itwasworse.
IopenedthedoortofindNaomi’sdadstandingthereinpajamapantsandasweatshirt.Loulookedpissed.ButthebourbonI’dswitchedtoaftermylastuninvitedguestsdrankallmybeernumbedme.
“Ifyoucameheretopunchmeintheface,someonealreadybeatyoutoit.”
“Good.IhopeitwasNaomi,”Lousaid,pushinghiswayinside.
Ireallyneededthat1,000acres.
“She’stooclassyforthat.”
Loustoppedinthefoyerandturnedtofaceme.“Sheis.She’salsotoohurttoseethetruth.”
“Whyiseveryonesoobsessedwith‘thetruth’?”Iasked,usingairquotes.“Whycan’tpeoplejustmindtheirowndamnbusinessandsticktotheirowntruths?”
“Becauseit’seasiertoseesomeoneelse’s.Andmorefuntokicksomeoneelse’sasswhenthey’vegottheirheadshovedupit.”
“Ithoughtyou,ofallpeople,wouldbedoingavictorydanceoverthis.Youneverlikedmewithher.”
“Inevertrustedyouwithher.There’sadifference.”
“AndIsupposeyoucameheretoeducateme.”
“IsupposeIdid.Someone’sgotto.”
I’daddamoataroundmybunkerasalastlineofdefense.
“I’mforty-fucking-threeyearsold,Lou.Idon’tneedafather-sonmoment.”
“Toughshit.Becausethat’swhatyou’regonnaget.I’msorrythatyousufferedsomuchlosssoearlyinlife.I’msorrythatyourmomdiedandyourdadabandonedyou.Liza’stoldusbitsandpieces.I’msorryyoulostyourgrandfatherjustafewyearslater.It’snotfair.AndIcan’tblameyouforwantingtohidefromallthatpain.”
“I’mnothiding.I’magoddamnopenbook.Itoldyourdaughterwhatshecouldexpectfromme.It’snotmyfaultshegotherhopesup.”
“Thatwouldbetrueifitweren’tforonething.”
Iscrubbedmyhandovermyface.“IfIletyoutellmetheonething,willyouleave?”
“Youdidn’tdoitbecauseyoudidn’tcare.Youdiditbecauseyoucaredtoodamnmuch,anditscaredyou.”
Isnortedintomyglass,tryingmybesttoignorethetighteninginmychest.
“Son,youfuckedupbig-time,”hecontinued.“ImaybeNaomi’sfather,andthatmightbiasme,butIknowmydaughterisone-of-a-kind.Aonceinalifetimewoman.Justlikehermom.AndIdon’tlikewhatitsaysabouthowyoufeelaboutyourselfthatyoudon’tthinkyoudeserveher.”
Iputmyglassdown.Hehadn’tsaidthatIdidn’tdeserveher.He’dsaidIthoughtIdidn’tdeserveher.
“DoyoudeserveAmanda?”Iasked.
“Hellno!Stilldon’t.ButI’vespenteverydayofmylifesinceImethertryingtobethekindofmanwhodoes.Shemademeabetterman.ShegavemethekindoflifeIneverdreamedI’dhave.Andyeah,we’vehadourroughtimes.MostofthemrevolvingaroundTina.Butfactis,I’veneveronceregrettedsticking.”
Iremainedstalwartlysilent,wishingIcouldbeanywhereelsebuthere.
“Soonerorlater,youhavetoacceptthatyou’renotresponsibleforotherpeople’schoices.Worse,sometimesyoucan’tfixwhat’swrongwiththem.”
Helookedmedeadintheeyewhenhesaidit.
“I’mnotresponsibleformydaughter’schoicesortheoutcomesofthosechoices.You’renotresponsibleforyourfather’s.Butyouareresponsibleforthechoicesyoumake.Andthatincludeswalkingawayfromthebestthingthatwilleverhappentoyou.”
“Look,Lou,thishasbeenanicechatandall—”
Heclappedmeontheshoulder.Hisgripwassolid,firm.“Youcouldn’tsaveyourmomfromanaccidentanymorethanyoucouldsaveyourdadfromaddiction.Nowyouworryyouwon’tbeabletosaveanyoneelse.Orstandlosingsomeoneelse.”
Mythroatwastight,anditburned.
Lou’sgriptightened.“Somewhere,deepdownisamanstrongerthanyourfathereverwas.Iseeit.Yourgrandmotherseesit.Mydaughterseesit.Maybeit’stimeyoutakealookinthemirror.”FORTY-ONETHENEWNAOMI
Naomi
Knox:Look.IknowIcouldhavehandledthingsdifferently.Buttrustme.It’sbetterthisway.IfyouorWaylayneedanything,Iwanttoknow.
Knox:Lizaprobablyalreadytoldyou,butthesecuritycompanyisinstallingthealarmatthecottageSaturday.WhattimeisWaylay’ssoccergame?
Knox:Areyouokay?
Knox:Justbecausewe’renottogetherdoesn’tmeanIdon’tstillwantyouandWaylaytobesafe.
Knox:Youcan’tavoidmeforever.
Knox:Can’twebefuckingadultsaboutthis?It’sasmallfuckingtown.We’regonnarunintoeachothersoonerorlater.
***
Ipriedopenoneblearyeyeandpeeredatmyphonescreen.
Satisfieditwasn’tacertaindead-to-meMorganbrother,Iswipedtoanswer.“What?”Icroaked.
“Wakeywakey,Witty,”cameStef’scheeryvoicefromhalfaworldaway.
Igaveamuffledgroaninresponseandrolledover.
Ihadthecoverspulledovermyheadinajuvenileattempttoblockouttheentireworld.Unfortunately,ithadtheunintendedconsequenceofalsosurroundingmewiththescentofhim.Sleepinginabedwe’dsharedwhileI’dfallenforthefarcewasnotconducivetoanythingbutadownwardspiral.
IfIwasgoingtosurvivethis,IneededtoburnthesesheetsandbuyLizaanewset.
“Judgingfromyoureffusivegreeting,I’mguessingyouhaven’tyetdraggedyourDefinitelyGettingOverHimTodayAssoutofbedyet,”Stefsurmised.
Igrunted.
“You’reluckyI’mnotonthesamecontinentasyourightnowbecauseyourtimeisup,”hechirped.
“Whattime?”
“Your‘woeisme,Imissmystupidhotfakeboyfriend’time.It’sbeenfivedays.Theacceptablemourningperiodisover.YouareofficiallybeingrebornasNewNaomi.”
Beingrebornsoundedlikealotofwork.
“Can’tIjustwitherawayasOldNaomi?”OldNaomihadspentthelastfewdaysputtingonafakesmileforWaylayandlibrarypatrons,thenspendingafewhoursadayhalf-heartedlytryingtocleanupthewreckageinthecottage.AllwhileavoidingthinkingaboutKnox.
Iwasexhausted.
“Notanoption.Itissixthirtya.m.yourtime.Yourdaystartsnow.”
“Whyareyousomean?”Igroaned.
“I’myourmeanfairygodfather.Youhaveatransformationtobegin,mylittlecaterpillar.”
“Idon’twanttobeabutterfly.Iwanttosmotherinmycocoon.”
“Toughshit.Ifyoudon’tgetoutofbedinthenexttenseconds,I’mbringinginthebigguns.”
“I’mout,”Ilied.
HesaidsomethingderisiveinFrench.“Incaseyouneedatranslator,thatwasFrenchforbullshit.Now,IwantyoutogetyourlyingassoutofbedandgotakeashowerbecauseLizareportsthatyourhairisgreasierthanthedeepfryeratasportsbaronwingnight.ThenIwantyoutoopenthatSephoraorderIsentyouandsnapthefuckoutofthisfunk.”
“Ilikefunks.”
“Youdonot.Youlikegameplansandtodolists.I’mgivingyouboth.”
“Havingfriendswhoknowyoureallywellisoverrated,”Icomplainedtomypillow.
“Okay.Fine.ButIwantitonrecordthatyoumademedothis.”
“Dowhat?”
“Youhaveaneleven-year-oldgirllookinguptoyou.Doyoureallywanttoteachherthatwhenaboyhurtsyourfeelings,yougiveuponlife?”
Isatup.“Ihateyou.”
“No,youdon’t.”
“Whycan’tIwallow?”
Itwasmorethanhurtfeelings,andheknewit.Knoxhadwarnedme.He’dtoldmenottofallforhim,nottomistakehisactionsforrealfeelings.AndI’dstillfallenforhim.Thatmademeanidiot.AtleastwithWarner,he’dtriedtohidehistrueselffromme.
Itwasanexcuse,notagreatone,butanexcuseallthesame.
ButtherewasnosuchexcusewithKnox.
Ilovedhim.Forreallovedhim.LovedhimenoughthatIwasn’tsureIcouldsurvivetheanguishofbeingtossedaside.
“Becauseallthat‘I’msuchanidiot’and‘howcouldIfallforhim’negativeself-talkisawasteoftimeandenergy.It’salsosettingashittyexampleforWaylay,who’shadenoughshittyexamplestolastalifetime.Getyourassoutofbed,takeashower,andgetreadytoshowWaylayhowtoburnanasshole’slifetotheground.”
Myfeethitthefloor.“You’rereallygoodatthispeptalkthing.”
“Youdeservebetter,Witty.Iknowsomewheredeepdownyoudon’tthinkso.Butyoudeserveamanwho’sgoingtoputyoufirst.”
“Iloveyou.”
“Loveyoutoo,babe.Igottago.ButIwantapost-shower,makeoverselfie.AndI’memailingyouyourgameplanfortheday.”
***
From:Stef
To:Naomi
Subject:NewNaomiDayOne
1.Getyourassoutofbed.
2.Shower.
3.Makeup.
4.Hair.
5.Wardrobe.(Iknowhowmuchyoulikecheckingthingsoffyourlist)
6.Breakfastofchampions.
7.Waylay’ssoccerpractice.Smile.Lightupthedamnfieldwithyourgraciousbeauty.
8.Hostaspontaneoussocialgathering.Invitefriends,family,andNash(thatpartisveryimportant).Lookamazing(alsoveryimportant).Haveanactualgoodtime(mostimportant)orfakeittillyoumakeit.
9.Gotobedsmug.
10.Rinse.Repeat.
***
Withthesatisfactionoffouritemsalreadycrossedoffmytodolist,Iventureddownstairs.Therestofthehousewasstillsilent.
Stefknewmetoowell.AnditreallywaseasiertofakeapositiveattitudewhenIlookedgoodontheoutside.
Therewasafreshpotofcoffeewaitingforme.IpouredgenerouslyintoacheeryredmugandstudiedthekitchenwhileIsipped.
TheroomhadtakenonanewlifesincethefirsttimeI’dbeeninvitedinside.Itfeltlikemostofthehousehad.Thecurtainshadnotonlybeenopenedbutwashed,ironed,andrehung.Morningsunstreamedthroughcleanglass.
Yearsofdustandgrimehadbeenscrapedaway,cabinetsanddrawersofjunkpurged.Bedroomsclosedupfornearlytwodecadeswerenowfulloflife.Thekitchen,diningroom,andsunroomhadbecometheheartofahomefullofpeople.
Together,we’dbreathedlifebackintothespacethathadgonefartoolongwithout.
Itookmycoffeeintothesunroomandstoodatthewindows,watchingthecreekcatchfallenleavesandusherthemdownstream.
Thelosswasstillthere.
TheholesleftbehindbyLiza’sdaughterandhusbandhadn’tmagicallybeenfilled.Butitfelttomeliketherewasmoresurroundingthoseholesnow.Saturdaysoccergames.Familydinners.Movienightswheneveryonetalkedtoomuchtohearwhatwashappeningon-screen.Lazyeveningsspentgrillingdinnerandplayinginthecreek.
Dogs.Kids.Wine.Dessert.Gamenights.
We’dbuiltsomethingspecialherearoundLizaandherloneliness.Aroundmeandmymistakes.Thiswasn’ttheend.Mistakesweremeanttobelearnedfrom,overcome.Theyweren’tmeanttodestroy.
Resilience.
Inmyopinion,Waylaywasalreadytheepitomeofresilience.She’ddealtwithachildhoodofinstabilityandinsecurityandwaslearningtotrusttheadultsinherlife.Maybeitwasalittleeasierbecauseshe’dneverletherselfdownthewayIhad.Iadmiredherforthat.
IsupposedIcouldlearnfromherexampleonthat.
Iheardtheshuffleofslipperedfeetpunctuatedbytheexcitedtippy-tappingofdognailsontile.
“Morning,AuntNaomi.What’sforbreakfast?”Waylayyawnedfromthekitchen.
Ileftmymorningmopingandreturnedtothekitchen.“Morning.Whatareyouhungryfor?”
Sheshruggedandsettledonastoolattheisland.Herblondehairwasstandingupononesideofherheadandsquisheddownontheother.ShewaswearingpinkcamouflagepajamasandfluffyslippersthatRandyandKittytriedtostealandhideintheirdogbedsatleastonceaday.
“Um.Howaboutcheesyeggs?”shesaid.“Wow.Youlooknice.”
“Thanks,”Isaid,reachingforapan.
“Where’sKnox?”
Waylay’squestionfeltlikeabladetotheheart.
“Hemovedbacktohiscabin,”Isaidcarefully.
Waylayrolledhereyes.“Iknowthat.Why?Ithoughtthingsweregoodwithyouguys?Youwerekissingallthetimeandlaughingalot.”
Myinstinctwastolie.Toprotecther.Afterall,shewasjustakid.ButI’ddonesomuchprotectingalready,anditjustkeptblowingupinmyface.
“There’sacoupleofthingsweneedtotalkabout,”ItoldherasIgatheredthebutterandeggsfromthefridge.
“IonlytoldDonniePacerthathewasadickwafflebecausehepushedChloeandtoldhershewasashitheadloser,”Waylaysaiddefensively.“AndIdidn’tusetheFwordbecauseI’mnotallowedto.”
Istoodupwithacartonofeggsinmyhandandblinked.“Youknowwhat?We’llgetbacktothatinaminute.”
Butmyniecewasn’treadytogiveupherdefense.“Knoxsaidit’sgoodtostandupforpeople.Thatit’suptothestrongonestotakecareoftheoneswhoneedprotecting.HesaidI’moneofthestrongones.”
Crap.
Iswallowedaroundthelumpinmythroatandblinkedbackthetearsthatburnedmyeyes,threateningtoruinmymascara.
Thistimethegriefwasn’tjustforme.Itwasforalittlegirlwithaherowhodidn’twanteitheroneofus.
“That’strue,”Isaid.“Andit’sagoodthingyou’reoneofthestrongonesbecauseIhavetotellyousomehardstuff.”
“Ismymomcomingback?”Waylaywhispered.
Ididn’tknowhowtoanswerthat.SoIstartedsomewhereelseinstead.“Thecottageisn’tinfestedwithbugs,”Iblurtedout.Randythebeaglejumpedatmylegsandpeeredupatmewithsoulfulbrowneyes.Ileaneddowntorufflehisears.
“Itisn’t?”
“No,honey.ItoldyouthatbecauseIdidn’twantyoutoworry.Butitturnsoutit’sbetterforyoutoknowwhat’sgoingon.Someonebrokein.Theymadeahugemessandtooksomethings.ChiefNashthinkstheywerelookingforsomething.Wedon’tknowwhattheywerelookingfororiftheyfoundit.”
Waylaywasstaringdownatthecounter.
“That’swhywemovedinherewithLizaandyourgrandparents.”
“WhataboutKnox?”
Iswallowedhard.“Webrokeup.”
Thefingershewasusingtotracethegraininthecounterstilled.
“Why’dyoubreakup?”
Damnkidsandtheirunanswerablequestions.
“I’mnotsure,honey.Sometimespeoplejustwantdifferentthings.”
“Well,whatdidhewant?Weren’twegoodenoughforhim?”
Icoveredherhandwithmineandsqueezed.“Ithinkwe’remorethangoodenoughforhim,andmaybethat’swhatscaredhim.”
“Youshouldhavetoldme.”
“Ishouldhave,”Iagreed.
“I’mnotsomebabywho’sgoingtofreakout,youknow,”shesaid.
“Iknow.Outofthetwoofus,I’mamuchbiggerbaby.”
Thatearnedmethesmallestofsmiles.
“WasitMom?”
“Waswhatyourmom?”
“DidMombreakin?Shedoesthatkindofstuff.”
ThiswaswhyIdidn’thavehonestconversationswithpeople.Theyaskedquestionsthatrequiredevenmorehonesty
Iblewoutabreath.“I’mhonestlynotsure.It’spossible.Isthereanythingyoucanthinkofthatshe’dbelookingfor?”
Sheshruggedthoselittlegirlshouldersthathadalreadycarriedmoreweightthanwasfair.“Dunno.Maybesomethingworthalotofmoney.”
“Well,whetheritwasyourmomornot,youdon’thaveanythingtoworryabout.Liza’shavingasecuritysysteminstalledtoday.”
Shenodded,fingersbacktotracingpatternsonthecounter.
“Youwannatellmehowyou’refeelingaboutallthis?”Iasked.
SheleaneddowntoscratchKittyonherhead.“Dunno.Bad,Iguess.Andmad.”
“Metoo,”Iagreed.
“Knoxleftus.Ithoughthelikedus.Reallylikedus.”
Myheartbrokealloveragain,andIvowedthatIwouldmakeKnoxMorganpay.Iwenttoherandwrappedanarmaroundher.“Hedid,honey.Butsometimespeoplegetscaredwhentheystarttocaretoomuch.”
Shegrunted.“Iguess.ButIcanstillbemadathim,right?”
Ibrushedherhairoutofhereyes.“Yes.Youcan.Yourfeelingsarerealandvalid.Don’tletanyonetellyouyoushouldn’tfeelthewayyoufeel.Okay?”
“Yeah.Okay.”
“So,howdoyoufeelabouthavingapartytonightifLizasaysit’sokay?”Iasked,givingheranothersqueeze.
Waylayperkedup.“Whatkindofparty?”
“Iwasthinkingaboutabonfirewithappleciderands’mores,”Isaid,crackinganeggintoaglassmixingbowl
“Thatsoundscool.CanIinviteChloeandNina?”
Ilovedthatshehadfriendsandahomethatshewantedtosharewiththem.
“Ofcourse.I’llcheckinwiththeirparentstoday.”
“MaybewecanhaveLizapicksomeofthecountrymusicKnoxandNash’smomliked,”shesuggested.
“That’sagreatidea,Way.Speakingofparties…”
Waylayheavedasighandlookedupattheceiling.
“Yourbirthdayiscomingup,”Iremindedher.BetweenLiza,myparents,andme,wealreadyhadaclosetfullofwrappedgifts.We’dbeenbadgeringheraboutherbigdayforweeks,butshe’dremainedannoyinglynoncommittal.“Haveyoufiguredouthowyouwanttocelebrate?”
Sherolledhereyes.“Ohmygosh,AuntNaomi!ItoldyouninemilliontimesIdon’tlikebirthdays.They’redumbanddisappointingandlame.”
Despiteeverything,Ismiled.
“Nottoguilt-tripyou,butyourgrandmawillgointohystericsifyoudon’tatleastletherbakeyouacake.”
Isawthecalculatinglookonherface.“Whatkindofcake?”
Iboopedhernosewithaspatula.“That’sthebestpartaboutbirthdays.Yougettopick.”
“Huh.I’llthinkaboutit.”
“That’sallIask.”
IhadjustpouredtheeggsintotheskilletwhenIfeltarmsaroundmywaistandafacepressintomyback.
“I’msorryKnoxwasadouchewaffle,AuntNaomi,”Waylaysaid,hervoicemuffled.
MythroattightenedasIsqueezedherhandswithmyown.Itwassuchanew,fragilething,thisaffectionsheshowedmeinmomentswhenIleastexpectedit.IwasafraidI’ddoorsaythewrongthingandscareheroff.“Iamtoo.Butwe’llbeokay.We’llbebetterthanokay,”Ipromised.
Shereleasedme.“Hey.Thosejerksdidn’tstealmynewjeanswiththepinkflowerswhentheybrokein,didthey?”
***
Fi:Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingonbetweenyoutwo.ButKnoxjustofferedme$1,000toputyouonthescheduletonightsinceyoucalledinsickyourlasttwoshifts.Icaneithersplititwithyouortellhimtofuckoff.Yourcall!
Me:Sorry.Ican’t.I’mhostingabonfiretonightandyou’reinvited.
Fi:Fuckyeah!CanIbringmyannoyingfamily?
Me:I’dbedisappointedifyoudidn’t.FORTY-TWOTHEOLDKNOX
Knox
Iwasn’tgoingtoadmitit,buttheiceprincessroutinewaskillingme.IthadbeenfivedayssinceI’dtoldNaomithetruth.SinceI’dendedthingstospareherfeelings.AndIwasfuckingmiserable.
ThereliefI’dexpectedfromendingthingsnevercame.Instead,Ifeltsickanduneasy.Almostguilty.Itfeltworsethanmyfirstover-thirtyhangover.
Iwantedthingstogobacktothewaythey’dbeenbeforeNaomishowedupwithfuckingdaisiesinherhair.Buttheycouldn’t.Notwithherintownavoidingme.
Itwasnosmallfeat,giventhatshelivedwithmygrandmother.She’dcalledofffromhershiftsatHonkyTonk.I’dexpectedreliefthatIdidn’thavetofaceher,butthelongershewentwithoutansweringmytextsorcalls,themoreuneasyIfelt.
Sheshouldhavegottenoverthisbynow.Hell.Ishouldhavegottenoverthisbynow.
“Yourfiveo’clockcanceled,”StasiasaidwhenIreturnedtoWhiskeyClipperfrommylatelunchbreakspentatDino’s,gettingglaresandcoldpizzathatIdidn’tevenfeellikeeating.
SheandJeremiahwerecleaningupforclosing.
“Seriously?”Itwasthethirdclienttocancelonmethisweek.TwoofthemhadrescheduledwithJeremiahandsatinhischairtossingmejudgmentallooks.Noneofthemhadtheballstosayanything.Buttheydidn’tneedto.ItookenoughofabeatingfromtheHonkyTonkgirls.
“Guessyoumusthavepissedthemoffsomehow,”Stasiamused.
“It’snoone’sgoddamnbusinesswhoIseeordon’tsee,”Isaid,dunkingthecombbackinthealcoholandstowingmyscissors.
“That’sthethingaboutasmalltown,”Jeremiahsaid.“Everyone’sbusinessiseveryone’sbusiness.”
“Yeah?Well,everyonecankissmyass.”
“Hedefinitelyseemsmuchhappiersincehegotoutofthatterriblerelationship,”Stasiasaid.Shepretendedtoscratchhernosewithhermiddlefinger.
“Whosignsyourpaychecks?”Iremindedher.
“Somethingsareworthmorethanmoney.”
Ididn’tneedthisabuse.Ihadshittodo.Alifetolive.AndtheseassholescouldjustgetonwithforgettingallaboutmeandNaomi.
“I’mgoin’toHonkyTonk,”Isaid.
“Haveagreatnight,”Jeremiahcalledafterme.Ithrewamiddlefingerinhisdirection.
Insteadofthebar,Iduckedintomyoffice.Itdidn’tfeellikeasanctuary.Itfeltlikeaprison.I’dspentmoretimelockedinherethisweekthanIhadthepreviousmonth.I’dneverbeenthiscaughtuponpaperwork.Orthisdisconnectedfromwhatwasgoingonwithmybusinesses.
“WhythehelldoesanyoneinthistowngiveadamnwhoIdateordon’tdate?”Imutteredtomyself.
Ipickeduptherentcheckforoneoftheapartmentsupstairs.Thetenanthadalsoincludeda“Youfuckedup”notescrawledonastickynote.
Iwasstartingtoworrythateveryoneelsewasright.ThatI’ddonethewrongthing.Andthatsataboutaswellwithmeastheideaofwearingasuitandtieeverydayfortherestofmylife
Ilikedfreedom.That’swhyIownedmyownbusinesses.Thatlotterytickethadboughtmestabilityandfreedom.Although,Isupposedrunningmyownbusinessesalsosometimesfeltlikeathousandfuckingziptieslashingmetoresponsibility.ButitwasaresponsibilityIchose.
Icouldrunmybusinesseswithoutworryingaboutotherpeople…Well,exceptfortheonesIemployed.Andserved.
Fuck.
Ineededtogetoutofmyhead.
IheadeddownthehallandletmyselfintoHonkyTonk.ItwasearlystillforaFriday,butthemusicwasloud,andIcouldsmellwingscookinginthekitchen.Itfeltlikehome.Eventhoughmyeyesdidaquickscanofthebar,lookingforNaomi.Shewasn’tthereandthedisappointmentIfeltcutlikeagoddamnknife.
SilverandMaxwerebothbehindthebar.FiwasshootingtheshitwithWraith.Allthreeofthemlookedatme.
“Evening,”Isaid,testingthewaters.
“Boo!”theychorused.SilverandMaxweregivingmethethumbs-down.Fiwasgivingmeonethumbs-downandonemiddlefinger.Theotherserver,Brad,anewhirebroughtontoevenouttheestrogen,refusedtomakeeyecontactwithme.
“Seriously?”
Thehandfulofpatronssnickered.
“Icouldfireeverylastoneofyou,”Iremindedthem.
Theycrossedtheirarmsinunison.“I’dliketoseeyoutry,”Maxsaid.
“Yeah.I’msureyou’dbartendandserveandmanagejustfineallbyyourselfonaSaturdaynight,”Silversaid.Hernoseringmovedwiththeflareofhernostrils.
Fuck.
IknewwhenIwasn’twanted.
Fine.Icouldgohomeandenjoythepeaceandquietofsinglelife.Again.Maybetonightitwouldn’tfeelsofuckingempty.I’dgetusedtoit.
“Fine.I’mleaving,”Isaid.
“Good,”saidMax.
“Bye,”saidSilver.
“Fuckoff,”Fisaid.“I’mleavingtoo.”
“Fine.Whatever.”I’dgohomeandworkoutanewschedulewherethesethreeneversharedthebaragain,Idecided.Evenifitmeanthiringfivemorepeople.I’dhireguyswhodidn’tgetperiodsanddidn’tgivemeshit.
IfantasizedaboutthatlifeontheleisurelyrideItookonmybike,windingaroundKnockemoutandbeyondbeforefinallyheadinghome.Afterall,Ididn’thavesomeonewaitingforme.Someonetoanswerto.IcoulddowhatIwanted.WhichwasexactlywhatIwantedoutoflife.
IwassodistractedbyremindingmyselfhowgreatmylifewaswithoutNaomithatIalmostmissedthevehiclesatLiza’s.
Forasecond,Ipanicked,wonderingifsomethinghadhappened.Ifthere’dbeenanotherbreak-inorworse.
ThenIheardthemusic,thelaughter
Idrovebyslowly,hopingforaglimpseofher.Nosuchluck.Iparkedmybikeinmydrivewayandwasheadedforthefrontdoorwhenthetangofbonfirehitmynostrils.
IfLizawantedtohaveapartyandnottellmethatwasherbusinessIdecided,lettingmyselfinside.
Waylonattacked,hispawsscrabblingatmyjeansashebarkedandmoanedabouthowhungryhewassincehisafternoonsnack.
“Yeah,yeah.Comeon.Peebreakfirst,thendinner.”
Iwentstraighttothekitchenandopenedthebackdoor.Thedogbulletedoutbetweenmylegs.
Hedidn’tstopinhisusualpeestop.HisstumpylegsweretoobusygallopingtowardLiza’shouse.
Icouldseethefirefrommyvantagepoint.Someonehadbuiltabonfirenexttothecreek.Thereweretableswithfood,campchairs,andoveradozenpeoplemillingaround,lookingliketheywerehavingagreattime.
Liza’sdogs,RandyandKitty,brokeawayfromthefoodtablestogreetWaylon.IspottedWaylay,herblondehairunderabrightpinkhatthatIbetAmandahadknitforher.HerfriendsNinaandChloewerehorsingaroundinthesideyard.Thepanginmychesttookmebysurprise.WaylaydroppedtoherkneesinthegrassandgaveWaylonagoodscruffing.Herolledontohisbackinecstasy.
Irubbedmyhandabsentlyovermychest,wonderingifitwasindigestionfromtheshittycoldpizza.
Headlightsslashedacrosstheyardasanothercarpulledin.AminivanthatIrecognized.Fi,herhusband,andtheirkidspiledoutcarryingcampchairs,covereddishes,andasix-pack.
Great.Myownfamilyandnowmyemployeesweretakinghersideinallofthis.ThiswaswhyIneededathousandacresfarawayfromhere.
ThenIsawher.
Naomibyfirelight.
Sheworethosetightleggingsthatshowedoffeveryinchofhermile-longlegs.Bootswiththegirliefurtrim.Athick,croppedsweaterunderaninsulatedvest.Herhairwasamassofcurlsthatglowedamberinthefirelight.ShewaswearingaknithatjustlikeWaylay’s,onlyinadeepred.
Shewassmiling.Laughing.Glowing.
Thepanginmychestbecameaphysicalache,andIwonderedifIshouldcallacardiologist.Thiswasn’tnormal.Thiswasn’thowitwassupposedtogo.
Iendedthingsbeforetheygottoostickyandfeltnothingbutreliefimmediatelyafter.IfIeverranintooneofmyconquestsagain,whichwasrare,itwaseasy.Pleasant.Ineverpromisedanything,andtheyneverexpectedanything.
Butthistime,despitemybestefforts,therehadbeenexpectations.Thoughshedidn’tlooklikeshewassuffering.Shewasnexttothecreek,standingclosetomyassholebrother,havingwhatlookedlikeanintimatechat.
Herglovedhandreachedoutandclutchedhisarm.
Myfistsclenchedatmysides.Redfilteredintothecornersofmyvision.
Mybrotherhadn’twastedagoddamnsecond,hadhe?
Itwasn’taconsciousdecisiontogotoher,butmyfeethadamindoftheirown.Istrodeacrossthegrasstowardthehappylittlegroupwithdestructioninmind.
Ididn’twantherwithhim.Ididn’twantherwithanyone.
Icouldn’tstandtheideaofseeingherstandnexttohim,letalonewhateverelsetheyweredoing.Fuck.
LizaJcalledtome,andAmandaflashedmeapityingsmileasImarchedthroughthefestivities.
“Youtwodidn’twasteanygoddamntime,didyou?”IsnappedwhenIcaughtthemontheothersideofthefire.
Nashhadtheaudacitytolaughrightinmyface.
ButNaomiwassomethingelse.Theeasysmileonherfacedisappeared,andwhenshelookedatme,itwasn’taniceprincessIsaw,readytofreezemeout.Itwasawomanonfirereadytoburnmealive.
Thereliefwasswiftandoverwhelming.Thetightnessinmychestloosenedbymillimeters.Freezingmeoutmeantshedidn’tcare.ButthatfireIsawinthosegorgeoushazeleyestoldmeshehatedmyguts.
Thatwasbetterthancolddisinterestanyday.
Nashtookastepforward,effectivelyputtinghimselfbetweenmeandNaomi,whichonlyservedtopissmeoffevenmore.
“Yougotaproblem?”heaskedme.
Ihada6’3”problemwithafewbulletholesinit.
“Problem?Withyouhelpingyourselftomyleftovers?Nah.Bettershedoesn’tgotowaste.”
IwassuchafuckingassholeandI’dgonewaytoofar.IdeservedthebeatingNashwasabouttothrowme.Partofmewantedit.Wantedthephysicalpunishmenttotaketheplaceoftheemotionalshitstormthatwasrippingmeapartinside.
Icouldn’tthinkstraightwithherthisclose.Thisclose,andIcouldn’ttouchher.Couldn’treachoutandlayclaimtowhatI’dthrownaway.
Nash’sfistpulledback,butbeforehecouldletitfly,anotherbodysteppedbetweenus.
“You’reachildthrowingatempertantrum,”Naomisnapped,inchesfromme.“Andyou’renotinvited.Sogohome.”
“Daisy,”Isaid,reachingforheronautopilot.
Yetanotherbodywedgeditselfbetweenus.
“Ifyoudon’twanttogodowninhistoryasthedumbestassholeinthistown,Isuggestyoustepthehellback,”Sloanesaid.
ShewasglaringupatmelikeI’djustdeckedSantaClausatalibraryluncheon.
“Getoutofmyway,Sloane,”Isnarledinherface.
Thentherewasahandonmychest,andIwasbeingshovedbackhard
“Wrongtarget,friend.”Lucian,lookingmorecasualinjeansandafleecethanI’dseenhiminadecade,fistedhishandsinmycoat.
TherageinhiseyescluedmeinthatIwasskatingonthinice.Icouldtakemybrother,especiallywhenhewasone-armed.ButIwasn’tstupidenoughtothinkIcouldtakeonNashandLucianandlivetotellthetale.
“Idon’tneedyourprotection,youbig,richidiot,”SloanesnappedatLucian.
Heignoredherinfavorofbackingmeawayfromthefire.Awayfrommyfamily.Frommystupiddogwhohadhissnoutinwhatlookedlikeacasseroledishofhotdogs.
“Letmego,Luce,”Iwarnedhim.
“Iwillwhenyou’renotdeterminedtogodownandtakeinnocentbystanderswithyou.”
Interesting.HewaspissednotbecauseI’dcomeatNashandNaomibutbecauseI’dgotteninSloane’sface.
“Thoughtyoucouldn’tstandher,”Itaunted.
Luciangavemeanothershove,andIstumbledbackwards.
“Christ,Knox.Youdon’thavetobesuchanassholeallthetime.”
“Bornthatway,”Ishotback.
“Bullshit.Whatyoushowtotheworldisachoice.Andrightnow,you’remakingthestupidchoice.”
“Ididtherightthing,man.”
Lucianproducedacigaretteandalighter.“Keeptellingyourselfthatifithelpsyousleepatnight.”
“Itoldhernottogetattached.Iwarnedher.”IlookedoverLucian’sshoulderandsawNaomistandingnexttothefire,herbacktome.Nash’sarmaroundher.
Mychesttightenedagain,andthatpangwasagoddamnknifewoundnow.
MaybeI’dtoldhernottogetattached,butIhadn’tdonemyselfthesamecourtesy.IneverthoughtitwassomethingIhadtoworryabout.
ButNaomiWitt,runawaybrideandcompulsivecleaner,hadherhooksinme.
“Ididtherightthing,”Isaidagainasifrepeatingitwouldmakeittrue.
Withhiseyesonme,Lucianlithiscigarette.“Itneveroccurredtoyouthattherightthingwouldhavebeentobethemanyourfathercouldn’tbe?”
Fuck.Thatonelandedlikeabellringer.
“Gofuckyourself,Lucy.”
“Trytounfuckyourself,Knox.”Andwiththat,hewanderedbacktothefire,leavingmealoneinthedark.
IsawaflashofpinkoutofthecornerofmyeyeandfoundWaylaystandingafewfeetawayfromme.Waylonsatatherfeet.
“Hey,Way,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelinglikethebiggest,stupidestassholeontheplanet.
“Hey,Knox.”
“How’sitgoing?”
Sheshrugged,thoseblueeyesfixedonme,herfaceblank.
“Howdidsoccerpracticego?Imeanttoswingbybut—”
“It’sokay.Youdon’thavetopretend.AuntNaomi’nmeareusedtopeoplenotwantingus.”
“Way,that’snotfuckingfair.That’snotwhythingsdidn’tworkoutbetweenyourauntandme.”
“Whatever.Youprobablyshouldn’tswearinfrontofkids.Theymightlearnsomethingfromyou.”
Ouch.
“I’mserious,kid.Youtwoaretoogoodforme.Soonerorlater,youbothwouldhavefigureditout.Youdeservebetter.”
Shelookeddownatthetoesofherboots.Herlittleheartcharmglimmeredagainstherlaces,andIrealizedshewasn’twearingthesneakersIgaveher.Thathurttoo.“Ifyoureallythoughtthat,you’dbeworkinghardtobegoodenough.Notdumpinguslikewe’retrash.”
“Ineversaidyouweretrash.”
“Youneversaidmuchofanything,didyou?”shesaid.“Now,leaveAuntNaomialone.You’reright.Shedeservesbetterthansomeguywhoisn’tsmartenoughtoseehowawesomesheis.”
“Iknowhowawesomesheis.Iknowhowawesomeyouare,”Iargued.
“Notawesomeenoughtostaythough,”shesaid.Theglareshesentmewasyearsbeyondeleveninmaturity.Ihatedmyselfforgivingheronemorereasontodoubtthatshewasanythingbutthesmart,beautiful,badassshewas.
“Waylay!Comeon,”Ninacalled,holdingagiantbagofmarshmallowsaloft
“Youshouldgo,”Waylaytoldme.“YoumakeAuntNaomisad,andIdon’tlikethat.”
“Yougonnaputfieldmiceinmyhouse?”Iasked,hopingajokewouldrepairsomeofthedamage.
“Whybother?There’snopointingettingrevengeonsomeonetoodumbtocare.”
Sheturnedandstartedtowardthefire,thenstoppedagain.“I’mkeepingyourdog,”shesaid.“Comeon,Waylon.”
IwatchedakidthatInotonlyliked,butrespected,wanderofftowardthepartywithmyowndamndog.NaomigreetedWaylaywithaone-armedhug,andthetwoofthemturnedtheirbacksonme.
Tobecontrary,Isnaggedoneofthehotdogsoffthetableandabeer.Igavemygrandmotherahalf-assedsaluteandthenheadedbacktomyplacealone.
WhenIgotthere,Ithrewbothinthetrash.FORTY-THREEDAYDRINKING
Naomi
Knox:IoweyouanapologyaboutlastnightatLiza’s.Iwasoutofline.
***
Itookadeepbreath,turnedoffmycar,andstaredatthesidedoortoHonkyTonk.ItwasmyfirstshiftbacksinceTheBreak-Up,andIwastiedupinknots.Itwasaweekendlunchshift.TheoddsofKnoxactuallybeinginsidewereinthenegative.
ButIstillneededapeptalkbeforegettingoutofthecar.
I’dbeenokayatmyotherjoballweek.Thelibraryfeltlikeafreshstartanddidn’thavememoriesofKnoxaroundeverycorner.ButHonkyTonkwasdifferent.
“Youcandothis.Getoutofthecar.Rakeinthetipmoneyandsmileuntilyourfacehurts.”
KnoxhadthrownhislittlehissyfitatthebonfireandhadtobeescortedoutbyLucian.I’ddoneahalf-assedjobpumpingSloaneforinformationaboutLucian’schivalry.ButinsideIwasreelingfrombeingthatclosetoKnoxagain.
He’dlookedangryandalmosthurt.Asifmestandingnexttohisbrotherhadbeensomesortofbetrayal.Itwaslaughable.ThemanhaddiscardedmelikeanunwantedreceiptandhadthenervetotellmeIwasmovingontoofastwhenallI’ddonewasgiveNashthelistI’dbeenworkingonaboutpeopleorincidentsthatfeltofftome.
Ilookedintherearviewmirror.“YouareanIceQueenSwan,”Itoldmyreflection.ThenIgotoutofthecarandmarchedinside.
ReliefcoursedthroughmewhenIdidn’tseehiminside.Milfordandanotherlinecookwerealreadyfiringupthekitchen,preppingfortheday.Isaidmyhellosandheadedintothebar.Itwasstilldark.Thestoolswerestacked,soIturnedonthemusicandthelightsandsetaboutgettingtheplaceready.
I’dflippedallthestools,reassembledthesodamachine,andwasturningonthesoupwarmerwhenthesidedooropened.
Knoxsteppedinside,hiseyescuttingdirectlytome.
Thebreathleftmychest,andIsuddenlycouldn’trememberhowtoinhale.
Damnit.Howcouldamanwho’dhurtmesobadlylooksogood?Itwasn’tfair.Hewaswearingjeansandanotherlong-sleevedHenley.Thisoneinaforestgreen.Therewasafadingbruiseonhischinthatmadehimlookliketrouble.Thesexy,deliciouskindoftrouble.
ButtheNewNaomiwassmarterthanthat.Iwasn’tgoingbackthere.
Henoddedatme,butIreturnedmyattentiontothesoupandtriedtopretendhedidn’texist.Atleastuntilhecametooclosetoignore.
“Hey,”hesaid.
“Hey,”Irepeated,puttingthemetallidoverthewarmerandthrowingtheplasticwrapaway.
“I’monthebartoday,”hesaidafteramoment’shesitation.
“Okay.”Ibrushedpasthimtogettothedishwashingstationwheretwodividedtraysofcleanglasseswaited.Iheftedone,thenfounditbeingsnatchedfrommyhands.“I’vegotit,”Iinsisted.
“NowI’vegotit,”Knoxsaid,cartingituptothesodamachineanddroppingitonthestainlesssteelcounter.
Irolledmyeyesandgrabbedthesecondtray.It,too,waspromptlyremovedfrommypossession.Ignoringhim,IflickedontheheatlampsontheexpolineandmovedtothePOStocheckthereceipttape.
Icouldfeelhimwatchingme.Hisgazehadaweightandtemperaturetoit.Ihatedbeingsoawareofhim.
Icouldpracticallyfeelhimskimmingmefromheadtotoe.I’dwornjeanstodayinsteadofoneofmydenimskirts,feelinglikeeverylayerofprotectionwasnecessary.
“Naomi.”Hisvoicewasaroughrasparoundmyname,anditmademeshiver
Iglancedathimandgavehimmybestfakesmile.“Yeah?”
Heshovedhishandthroughhishair,thencrossedhisarms.
“Ioweyouanapology.Lastnight—”
“Don’tworryaboutit.It’sforgotten,”Isaid,makingashowofcheckingmyapronformybankandnotebook.
“Thisdoesn’thavetobe…youknow.Weird.”
“Oh,it’snotweirdforme,”Ilied.“It’sallinthepast.Waterunderthebridge.We’rebothmovingon.”
Hiseyeslookedlikemoltensilverashestaredmedown.Theairbetweenuswaschargedwithwhatfeltlikeanimpendinglightningstrike.ButIforcedmyselftoholdhisgaze.
“Right,”hesaidwithaclenchinhisjaw.“Fine.”
***
Ididn’tknowexactlyhowmuchKnoxhadmovedonuntilanhourintotheslowestshiftever.NormallyaSaturdaylunchshiftcouldbecountedonforsomekindofbusiness,butthewholesevenpatronsseemedtobecontenttosiptheirbeersandchewtheirfood137times.Evenwiththenewserver,Brad,totrain,Ihadtoomuchtimetothink.
RatherthanhangaroundthebaranddealwithKnox’smoodystare,Icleaned.
Iwasscrubbingdownthewallnexttotheservicebar,workingonaparticularlytrickystain,whenthefrontdooropened,andawomanwalkedin.Orstrutted.Sheworeblacksuedebootswithstilettoheels,thekindofjeansthatlookedasthoughthey’dbeenpaintedon,andacroppedleatherjacket.
Shehadatrioofbraceletswrappedaroundherrightwrist.Hernailswerepaintedagorgeous,murderousred.Imadeamentalnotetoaskherwhatthecolorwas.
Herdarkhairwascutshortandworntousledontop.Shehadcheekbonesthatcouldcutglass,anexpertlyappliedsmokyeye,andawrygrin.
Iwantedtobeherfriend.Togoshoppingwithher.TofindouteverythingabouthersoI,too,couldretraceherstepsanddiscoverthatkindofconfidenceformyself.
ThatgrinwidenedwhenshespottedKnoxbehindthebar,andIsuddenlywasn’tsureIwantedtobefriendsanymore.IsnuckaglanceatKnoxandknewIdefinitelydidn’twanttobefriends.Notwiththewayhewaslookingatherwithaffectionatefamiliarity.
Shedidn’tsayaword,juststrolledacrossthebar,eyesonhim.Whenshegotthere,shedidn’tslideontoastoolandorderwhatIguessedwouldbetheworld’scoolestdrink.No.Shereachedacross,grabbedhimbytheshirt,andlaidakissrightonhismouth.
Mystomachdroppedoutofmybodyandcontinuedtoplummettowardtheearth’score.
“Oh,shit,”Wraithgroanedfromhistable.
“Uh,isthattheboss’sgirlfriend?”Brad,theserverIwassupposedtobetraining,asked.
“Iguessso,”Isaid,soundingasifIwasbeingstrangled.“I’llbeback.Holdthis.”IhandedBradthedirtyragandgavethebarwideberth.
“Naomi!”Knoxsoundedpissed.Buthismoodswerenolongermyconcern.
MyheartwaspoundingsohardIcouldhearitinmyearsasIheadedtowardtherestroomwitheveryeyeintheplaceonme.
IpretendedIdidn’thearhimcallingmynameorhergreetinghim.
“Knox?Seriously?It’saboutdamntime,”athroatyvoicesaid.
“FuckingA,Lina.Youcouldn’thavecalledfirst?Thisistheworstgoddamntiming.”
Ididn’thearanythingelsebecauseIpushedthroughtherestroomdoorandwentstraighttothesink.Iwasn’tsureifIwantedtocry,throwup,orpickupthetrashcanandthrowitatKnox’shead.Iwastryingtogetmyselfundercontrolandconsideringaplanthatwouldinvolveallthreeofmyoptionswhenthedoorswungopen.
Myex-imaginaryfriendstrolledinside,handsinherbackpockets,gazeonme.
Icouldonlyimaginewhatshesaw.Apathetic,lovesick,mid-thirtiesloserwithhorribletasteinmen.That’swhatIsawinthemirroreverymorningbeforeIcovereditupwithmascaraandlipstick.
“Naomi,”shesaid.
Iclearedmythroat,hopingtodissolvethelumpthathadtakenupresidencethere.“That’sme,”Isaidbrightly.ItsoundedlikeIwaschokingonthumbtacks,butatleastI’drearrangedmyfaceintoacarefullyblankexpression.
“Wow.Gameface.Ilikeit.Goodforyou,”shesaid.“Nowonderyou’vegothisballstiedupinknots.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay,soIpulledapapertowelfreeandranitaroundtheperfectlydry,cleancounter.
“I’mLina,”shesaid,closingthedistancebetweenus,herhandoutstretched.“Angelina,butIdon’tlikethemouthful.”
Itooktheofferedhandautomaticallyandshook.“Nicetomeetyou,”Ilied.
Shelaughed.“No,itisn’t.Notwiththatfirstimpression.ButI’mgoingtomakeupforthatandbuyyouadrink.”
“Nooffense,Lina,butthelastthingIwanttodoissitdownatmyex-boyfriend’sbartohavedrinkswithhisnewgirlfriend.”
“Nonetaken.ButI’mnothisnewgirlfriend.Matteroffact,I’manex-ierexthanyouare.Andwe’redefinitelynotdrinkinghere.WeneedtogosomeplacewithoutKnox’sbig,dumbears.”
Ireallyhopedshewasn’tmessingwithme.
“Whatdoyousay?”Linaasked,cockingherhead.“Knoxishavingheartpalpitationsoutthere,andeveryotherpersonisontheirphonereportingtothegrapevinewhatjusthappened.Isaywegivethemallsomethingtofreakoutover.”
“Ican’tjustwalkoutonashift,”Isaid.
“Sureyoucan.Wehavestoriestoshare.Commiserationstocommiserate.Drinkstodrink.He’sgotthatcutelittlehelperoutthere.He’llbefine.Andyoudeserveabreakafterthatshitshow.”
Itookadeepbreathanddebated.TheideaofstayingonshiftherewithKnoxwasonestepbelowhavingmytoenailsrippedoutoneatatimeduringagynecologicalexam.
“Whatcolorisyournailpolish?”Iasked.
“BurgundyBloodBath.”
***
Sloane:JustheardthatKnox’snewgirlfriendshowedupatthebarandtheystartedhavingsexonthepooltable.Areyouokay?????Doyouneedshovelsandtarps?
Me:I’vebeenkidnappedbynewgirlfriendwhoisactualoldex-girlfriend.We’redaydrinkingatHellhound.
Sloane:Letmefindsomepants!Bethereinfifteen!
***
HellhoundwasabikerbarfifteenminutesoutoftownheadinginthedirectionofD.C.Outside,theparkinglotwashalffullofmotorcycles.Thecrapbrownclapboardsidingdidn’tdoanythingtomaketheplacelookmorewelcoming.
Inside,thelightsweredim,thepooltableswereplentiful,andRobZombiemusicthuddedfromajukeboxinthecorner.Thebarwassticky,andIhadtoquashtheurgetoaskforaspongeandsomePine-Sol.
“What’llitbe?”thebartenderasked.Hewasn’tsmiling,buthealsowasn’toverlyintimidating.Hewasthetall,burlytypewithgrayhairandabeard.Heworealeathervestoverawhitelong-sleevedtee.Thesleeveswerepusheduptohiselbowstorevealtattoosdownbotharms.
TheymademethinkofKnox.Whichmademewantalcohol.
“What’syourname,handsome?”Linaasked,settlingonastool.
“Joel.”
“Joel,I’llhaveyourbestscotch.Makeitadouble,”shedecided.
Damnit.Iknewshe’dorderacooldrink.
“Yougotit.Foryou,darlin’?”Helookedatme.
“Oh.Uh.I’llhaveawhitewine,”Isaid,feelingliketheleastinterestingpersoninthebar.
Hewinkedatme.“Comin’rightup.”
“He’snoKnox,butIdigthesilverfoxthing,”Linamused.
Myhumwasnoncommittal.
“Oh,comeon.EvenifKnoxisashithead—whichheis—youcanstillappreciatetheveryfineexterior,”Linainsisted.
Iwasn’tinthemoodtoappreciateanythingabouttheVikingwho’dtrampledmyheart.
SilverFoxJoelploppedourdrinksinfrontofusandleftagain.
“Whatarewedoinghere?”Iasked.
Linaliftedherglass.“Havingdrinks.Gettingtoknoweachother.”
“Why?”
“Becauseyoudidn’tseethelookonKnox’sfacerightafterIlaidthatclosed-mouthkissonhim.”
Close-mouthedwasgood.
Wait.
No.Itdidn’tmatter.
EvenifLinawasn’twithKnox,he’ddumpedme.Ididn’tneedtoconcernmyselfwithcompetition.
Iranmyfingeraroundtherimofmyglass.“Whathappenedtohisface?”
Shepointedanindexfingeratme.“Fear.I’veknownthatmansincehewasbarelyaman,andI’veneverseenhimscared.ButIsawfearwhenhewatchedyouwalkaway.”
Isighed.Ididn’twanttohearthat.Ididn’twanttopretendthattherewashopewheretherewasnone.“Idon’tknowwhyhe’dbeafraidofmewalkingaway.He’stheonewhoalreadydidthewalking.”
“Letmeguess.Itwasn’tyou.Itwashim.Hedoesn’tdorelationshipsorcomplicationsorresponsibilities.There’snofuture,andhe’slettingyougosoyoucangetonwithyours.”
Iblinked.“Youdoknowhim.”
“I’llhaveyouknowIholdtheimpressivetitleoffirstofficialnon-girlfriend,thankyouverymuch.Itwasmyjunioryearincollege.Hewastwenty-four.Wemetataparty,anditlastedfourglorious,hormone-andhangover-filledweeksbeforetheidiotgotcoldfeetandhandedmemywalkingpapers.”
“Judgingbyyourgreeting,I’mguessingthingsendedbetterforyouthantheydidforme.”
Linasmiledandtookasipofscotch.“Heunderestimatedmystubbornness.See,Icoulddowithouthimasaboyfriend.ButIwantedtokeephimaroundasafriend.SoIforcedhimintoafriendship.Wetalkeverycoupleofmonths.Beforehehitthatlottery,we’dmeetupeverycoupleofyears.Alwayssomeplaceneutral.We’dplaywingmanforeachother.”
Idownedthewineinthreebiggulps.BeforeIevenputtheglassdownonthebar,anotheronearrived.
“Thanks,Joel.”Itradedtheemptyglassforthefullone.“What’shisproblem,anyway?”
Linasnortedandsippedagain.“What’sanyone’sproblem?Baggage.Peoplemeet,sparksfly,thentheyspendalltheirtimetryingtohidewhotheyreallyaresotheycanstayattractive.Thenwe’resurprisedwhenitdoesn’tworkout.”
Shehadapoint.
“Ifeveryonejustintroducedthemselveswiththeirbaggage,imaginehowmuchtimewe’dsave.Hi,I’mLina.Ihavedaddyissuesandajealousstreakcombinedwithatemperthatmeansyoushouldnevercrossme.Also,I’vebeenknowntoeatanentiretrayofbrowniesinonesittingandIneverfoldlaundry.”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.
“Yourturn,”shesaid.
“Hi,Lina.I’mNaomiandIkeepfallingforguyswhodon’tseeafuturewithme.ButIkeephopingthefutureI’menvisioningforthebothofuswillbegoodenoughtokeepthemaround.Also,Ihatemytwinsister,anditmakesmefeellikeabadperson.Oh,andKnoxMorganruinedorgasmsformefortherestofmylife.”
ItwasLina’sturntolaugh.Anotherscotchappearedinfrontofher.“Thisguyknowswhat’sup,”shesaid,pointingtoourbartenderfriend.
“Twoladiescomeintothisplacetalkingaboutthesameman,andImmakeepthedrinkscoming,”heassuredus.
“Joel,you’reatruegentleman,”Linasaid.
Thefrontdoorburstopen,andSloaneappeared.Shewasmakeup-freeandwearingknockoffUggs,leggings,andanoversizeVirginiaTechfootballjersey.Herhairhunginathickbraidoverhershoulder.
“Youmustbethenewtrollop,”Sloanesaid.
“AndyoumustbethecavalrycomingtosavePrincessNaomifromtheSheBeast,”Linaguessed.
Isnortedintomywine.“Sloane,thisisLina.LinaistheoriginalKnoxex-girlfriend.Sloaneisanoverprotectivelibrarianwithgreathair.”Ipointeddownthebar.“Andthat’sJoeloursilverfoxbartender.”
Sloanetookthestoolnexttome,andbeforeherbutthadgottencomfortable,Joelappeared.“Youdatethesameguytoo?”heasked.
Sherestedherchininherhand.“No,Joel,Ididnot.I’mjusthereformoralsupport.”
“Youwannadrinkwhileyoumorallysupport?”
“Suredo.How’syourBloodyMary?”
“Spicyasfuck.”
“I’lltakeaBloodyMaryandaroundofFireball.”
Joelsalutedandwanderedofftomakethedrinks.
Oneofthemenatthepooltableclosesttousambledover.HehadimpressivespikesontheshouldersofhisvestandaFuManchutowritehomeabout.“Buyyoubitchesadrink?”
Weswiveledonourstoolsasone.
“No,thankyou,”Isaid.
“Fuckoff,”Linarepliedwithameansmile.
“Ifyouthinkreferringtousas‘bitches’isgoingtogetyouinvitedintotheconversation,letaloneoneofourbeds,you’reabouttobedeeplydisappointed,”Sloanesaid.
“Movealong,Reaper,”JoeltoldhimwithoutlookingupfromthequartofvodkahewaspouringintoSloane’sglass.
Myphonebuzzedonthebar,andIglanceddown.
Knox:Thatwasn’twhatitlookedlike.I’mnotseeingLina.
Knox:Notthatit’sanyofyourbusiness.
Knox:Fuck.Atleasttextmebackandtellmewhereyouare.
Forsomeonewhowasdonewithme,hesuretextedawholeheckofalot.
Naomi:It’sthisawesomeplacecalledNoneofYourBusiness.Stop.Texting.Me.
IslidmyphoneovertoSloane.“Here.You’reinchargeofthis.”
Linaheldupherphonetoshowusatext.
Knox:Wherethefuckdidyoutakeher?
“See?”shesaid.“Fear.”
“Idon’tthinkI’mgoingbacktoworktoday,”Isaid.
“Hey,Waylay’shangingoutatthemuseuminD.C.withNinaandherdads.There’snobetterwaytospendafallSaturdaythangettingblitzed.”
“What’saWaylay?”Linaasked.
“Myniece.”
“ThenieceNaomididn’tknowaboutbecauseherestrangedtwinsistersucks,”Sloaneadded.Shetwirledthetipofherbraidaroundherfingersandstaredblanklyatthefootballgameonthescreen.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskedher.
“I’mfine.I’mjustsickofmen.”
“Amen,sister,”Isaid,raisingmyglassather.
“Mysister,Chloe’smom?She’sbi.Everytimeshedatesamanwhopissesheroff,sheendsupdatingnothingbutwomenforliketwelvemonths.She’smyhero.MakesmewishIdidn’tlikepenissomuch.”
JoelsetaBloodyMarywithafloatingstickofbaconinfrontofSloaneanddidn’tbataneyeatthewordpenis.
Iwinced.“Pleasedon’tsaypenis.”
“MyexperiencewithKnox’sequipmentisalmosttwentyyearsold.SoIcanonlyimaginehowmuchbetterhe’sgottenwithage,”Linasaidwithsympathy
“Youknow,withthiswholeguardianship,maybeit’sjustbettertofocusonbeingaparentfigureandforgetaboutbeingawomanwith…”
“Sexualneeds?”Sloanefilledin.
Ipickedupmywine.“Howmanyglasseswouldittaketoforgetaboutsex?”
“Usuallyaroundoneandahalfbottles.Butthatcomeswithahangoverthatcutsyouoffatthekneesforthreedays,soIwouldn’trecommend,”Linasaid.
“Hereallymademebelieve,”Iwhispered.
Joellineduptheshotsinfrontofus,andIstaredatmine.
“Iknowhesaidthingswouldn’tgoanywhere.Buthemademebelieve.Hekeptshowingup.Notjustforme,butforWaylaytoo.”
“Backthetruckup.KnoxMorgan?Spenttimewithyourkid?Willingly?”
“Hetookhershopping.Heshowedupathersoccergameandgothertostopswearing.Hetoldherthatstrongpeoplestandupfortheoneswhocan’tstandupforthemselves.Hepickedherupatasleepover.Watchedfootballwithher.”
Linashookherhead.“He’ssofuckedup.”
“Allmenare,”Sloanesaid.
Joelstoppedandgavehertheeye.
“Exceptyou,Joel.You’reaheroamongvillains,”sheamended.
Withanod,hehandedoverafreshglassofwineformeandvanishedagain.
Sloaneattachedherselftothestrawofherdrinklikeitwasaproteinshakeafterabodybuildingcompetition.
“Okay,seriously.What’sgoingonwithyou?”Iasked.“DoesthishavesomethingtodowithLucianlastnight?”
“Lucian?Now,that’sasexyname,”Linasaid.
Sloanesnorted.
“Asexynametogowithasexyman,”Iagreed.
“ThereisnothingsexyaboutLucianRollins,”Sloanesaidwhenshecameupforair.
“Okay.You’redefinitelylying.EitherthatoranentiresectionoftheDeweyDecimalSystemfellonyourhead.”
Sheshookherheadandpickeduphershot.“I’mnottalkingaboutLucian.NoneofusaretalkingaboutLucian.We’retalkingaboutKnox.”
“Canwestoptalkingabouthim?”Iasked.ItfeltlikeanX-ActoknifetothehearteverytimeIheardhisname.
“Ofcourse,”Linasaid.
“Cheers,”Sloanesaid,liftinghershotglass.
Weclinkedglassesandknockedbackthewhiskey.
Amanwithatoothpickdanglingprecariouslyfromhismouthwanderedupandleanedanelbowonthebar,crowdingLina.Hist-shirtdidn’tquitecoverthebellythatpeekedoutoverthetopofhisblackjeans.
“Whichoneofyouladieswantstocomecheckoutthebackofmybike?”
Joellinedupanotherroundofshotsinfrontofus.
Linapickeduphershot.SloaneandIfollowedsuitandknockedthemback.Sheputtheglassdownonthebar,andbeforeToothpickknewwhatwashappening,shehadthestilettoofherbootdiggingintohischest.
“GoawaybeforeImakeyoubleedinfrontofyourfriends,”shesaid.
“Ilikeherandhershoes,”Sloanewhisperednexttome.
“Christ,Python,leave’emalonebeforeyouroldladyshowsupandcutsoffyourballs.”
“Listentotheniceman,Python,”Linasaid,givinghimashovewithherfoot.Hesliddownthebarafoot,thenputhishandsup.
“Justaskin’.Didn’tknowyouwerelesbos.”
“Becausethat’stheonlyreasonwewouldn’twanttofuckyou,right?”Sloanesaid.
Sloanewasalightweight,andshe’dalreadyhadtwoshotsandaverystrongBloodyMary.
“Canwemaybegetsomewater?”IaskedJoel.
Henodded,thencuppedhishands.“Listenup,assholes.Theladiesaren’tlookin’forarideoragoodtime.Nextidiotwhobothersthemisgettin’thrownout.”
Therewasageneralmutteringaroundus,andtheneveryonewentbacktowhattheyweredoing.
“Joel,areyoumarried?”Iasked.
Hehelduphislefthandtoshowmeagoldband.
“Allthegoodonesaretaken,”Icomplained.
Thefrontdooropenedagain.
“Youhavegottobekiddingme,”Sloanegroaned.JoelhandedoverafreshBloodyMary,andshedoveforit.
Iswiveledaroundonmystool,wobblingabitasthealcoholfoughtmyequilibrium.
“Oh,my,”Linapurrednexttome.“Whoarethey?”
“Morecavalry,”Sloanemuttered.
LucianandNashwandereduptothebarlookingsixshadesofgorgeous.FORTY-FOURTHEBABYSITTERS
Naomi
“Thiscan’tbeacoincidence,”Iobserved.
“Knoxcalledthecops,”Luciansaid,noddingatNash.“Andthecopscalledme.”
Nashskimmedmewithalook.“Youallright?”
“I’mfine.Whyareyouhere?”
Nashblewoutabreath,hisgazemovingontoLina.Shearchedaneyebrowathim.
“We’rebabysitting,”hesaidfinally.
Mymouthdroppedopen.“Wedon’tneedbabysitters.EspeciallynotbabysitterswhoarejustgoingtoreporteverythingwesaybacktoKnox.”
“Ihatetopointouttheobvious,butgiveneverythingthat’shappened,Idon’tthinkyoushouldbeoutunprotectedlikethis,”Nashsaid.
“WhosaidI’munprotected?Linajustnearlypiercedaman’ssternumwithherstilettos,”Icomplained.“Howdidyoufindus?”
“Iwouldn’tworryaboutthat,”LuciansaidwithoutlookingawayfromSloane,whowasglaringathimlikehewasSatanincarnate.
“You’vegottobeaMorgan,”Linasaid,restingherelbowsonthebarandgivingNashahead-to-toesweep.
“Lina,thisisNash.Knox’sbrother,”Isaid.
“Onthatnote,IthinkI’llbeheadinghome,”Sloanesaid,slidingoffherstool.Shedidn’tgetfar.Luciansteppedinonher,trappingherbetweenthebarandhisbodywithouttouchingher.
Shetiltedherheadallthewaybacktolookupathim.
Shewasafootshorterthantheman,butthatdidn’tstopSloanefromshootingninjathrowingstarsoutofhereyeballs.
“You’llstay,”heinsisteddarkly
“I’mgoing,”sheargued.
“Icountthreeemptyglassesonthebarinfrontofyou.You’llstay.”
“I’llcallarideshare.NowgetoutofmywaybeforeImakeyousingsoprano.”
LinagaveupoglingNashandleanedovermyshoulder.“Okay.What’stheirstory?”
“Idon’tknow.Theywon’ttellanyone.”
“Ooooh.Iloveatorridsecretpast,”shesaid.
“Wecanhearyou,”SloanesaiddrylywithoutbreakinghersexystaringcontestwithLucian.
“We’reallfriendshere,”Ibegan
“No,we’renot,”Lucianinsisted.
Sloane’seyesblazed,makingherlooklikeafierypixieabouttocommitahomicide.“Finally.Somethingweagreeon.”
MyphonevibratedatSloane’selbow.Secondslater,Lina’sphonesignaledatext.NashandLucianbothreachedfortheirpocketsatthesametime.
“Forsomeonewhodoesn’tcareaboutyou,Knoxsureseemsconcernedabouthowyou’redoing,”Linasaid,holdingupherphoneagain.
“Andwhatyou’resayingabouthim,”Luciansaidwithasmirk.
Ishookmyhead.“IthinkI’mgonnasharethatridewithSloane.”
“No!”Linagrabbedmyhandandsqueezed.“Don’tgivehimthesatisfactionofruiningyourday.Stay.We’llgetmoredrinks.Talkmoreshit.Andeveryonewhostayshastoswearabloodoaththeywon’treportbacktoKnox.”
“I’mnotstayingifhe’sstaying,”Sloanesaid,shootingamurderouslookatLucian.
“Andtheonlywayyou’releavingisinmycar,sositdownandordersomegoddamnfood,”Lucianordered.
Sloaneopenedhermouth,andforasecond,Iwasworriedshewasgoingtobitehim.
Iclappedahandoverhermouth.“Let’sgetsomenachosandanotherroundofdrinks.”
***
MissedCalls:Knox4.
“Nofair!Yousaidtheywereoff-limits,Joel,”adrunkardwithaskullcapandtattoosunderhiseyescomplainedfromoneofthepooltableswhenwesatdownatatablewithLucianandNash.
Joelflippedhimthemiddlefingerwhileourbabysitterssharedalook.
“See?Itoldyouwedidn’tneedbabysitters.WehaveSilverFoxJoel,”Isaid.
“Maybewejustwanttospendsomequalitytimewithyou,”Nashsaid,givingmethepatentedMorgangrinofsexiness.
Isighedhardenoughtoblowanapkinacrossthetable.
“What’swrong,Nae?”Sloaneasked
Ithoughtaboutitforabeat.“Everything,”Iansweredfinally.“Everythingiswrongorbrokenoramess.Iusedtohaveaplan.Iusedtohaveitalltogether.Iknowyouguysmightnotbelievethis,butpeopledidn’tusetobreakintomyhouse.Ididn’thavetofendoffex-fiancésorworryabouttheexampleIwassettingforaneleven-year-oldgoingonthirty.”
Ilookedaroundthetableattheirconcernedfaces.
“I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavesaidthat.Forgetthewordscameoutofmyface.”
Sloanepointedafingerinmyface.“Stopthat.”
Ipickedupmyglassofwaterandblewbubblesinit.“Stopwhat?”
“Stopactinglikeyoudon’thavetherighttoexpressyourownfeelings.”
Lina,lookingstonesoberdespitethefactthatshewasonherfourthscotch,knockedherknucklesonthetable.“Hear,hear.What’supwiththat?”
“She’sthegoodtwin,”Sloaneexplained.“Hersistersucksandputthefamilythroughthewringer.SoNaomimadeitherlifemissiontobethegoodkidandnotinconvenienceanyonewiththingslikeherfeelingsorherwantsandneeds.”
“Hey!Mean!”Icomplained.
Shesqueezedmyhand.“Ispeakthetruthwithlove.”
“I’mnewhere,”Linasaid,“butwouldn’titbeagoodideatoshowyourniecewhatastrong,independentwomanlookslikewhenshelivesherlife?”
“Whydoeseveryonekeepsayingthattome?”Igroaned.“YouknowwhatIdidforme?Justme?”
“Whatdidyoudo?”Lucianaskedkindly.InoticedthathischairwasangledtowardSloane,crowdingheralmostprotectively.
“Knox.IdidKnoxjustforme.Iwantedtofeelgoodandforgetaboutthehurricaneofcrapforjustonenight.Andlookwhathappened!Hewarnedme.Hetoldmenottogetattached.Thattherewasnochanceatafuture.AndIstillfellforhim.Whatiswrongwithme?”
“Caretochimeinhere,gentlemen,”Linasuggested.
Themenexchangedanotherlookfullofmanlymeaning.
“IcanhearthemmentallygoingthroughtheManCodeappendix,”Iwhispered.
Nashwearilyscrapedhishandthroughhishair.Itwasagesturethatremindedmeofhisbrother.“Areyouokay?Doyouneedtorest?”Iasked.
Herolledhiseyes.“I’mfine,Naomi.”
“Nashgotshot,”SloaneexplainedtoLina.
Herassessinggazeslidoverhimasifshecouldseethroughhisclothingdowntohisskin.“Thatsucks,”shesaid,liftingherglasstotakeasip.
“Notoneofmyfavoriteexperiences,”headmitted.“Naomi,you’vegottastopwonderingwhat’swrongwithyouorwhatyoudidwrongandunderstandtheproblemiswithKnox.”
“Agreed,”Luciansaid.
“Look,welostalotwhenwewerekids.Thatcanfuckwithsomepeople’sheads,”Nashsaid.
Linastudiedhimwithinterest.“Whatdiditdotoyours?”
Hisgrinwasaflashofhumor.“I’malotsmarterthanmybrother.”
Shelookedatme.“See?Noonewantstoberealandputtheirbaggageonthetable.”
“Whenyoutrustsomeonetoseeyouforwhoyoureallyare,thebetrayalisathousandtimesworsethanifyouhadn’thandedthemtheweaponsinthefirstplace,”Lucianspokequietly.
IheardSloane’ssharpintakeofbreath.
Nashmusthavepickeduponittoo,becausehechangedthesubject.
“So,Lina.Whatbringsyoutotown?”heasked,crossinghisarmsandleaningbackinhischair.
“Whatareyou,acop?”shejoked.
Ifoundthatveryamusing.Sloanefoundmesprayingafinemistofwateroverthetablejustasamusing,andwebothdissolvedintogiggles.
AghostofasmileplayedonLucian’slips.
“Nashisacop,”ItoldLina.“He’sthecop.Thebig,importantone.”
Sheeyedhimovertherimofherglass.“Interesting.”
“Whatdidbringyoutotown?”Iaskedher.
“FoundmyselfwithsometimeoffandIwasinthearea.ThoughtI’dpaymyoldfriendavisit,”shesaid.
“Whatdoyoudo?”Sloaneasked.
Linaranherfingerthroughawaterringonthetable.“I’mininsurance.I’dtellyoumore,butit’sincrediblyboring.Notnearlyasexcitingasgettingshot.Howdidithappen?”sheaskedNash.
Heshruggedhisgoodshoulder.“Trafficstopgonebad.”
“Theycatchwhodidit?”sheasked
“Notyet,”Luciananswered.
Thechillinhistonehadashiverrunningdownmyspine.
***
“I’mgoingtohittherestroom,”Isaid.
“I’llcome,”Sloanevolunteered,jumpingoutofherchairlikeitwaselectrocutingher.
Ifollowedherintothegloomyhallway,butwhensheheldthedooropenforme,Nashstoppedme.“Yougotasecond?”heasked.
Mybladderwasnearingtheredzone,butthissoundedimportant.
“Sure,”Isaid,signalingtoSloanetocommencepeeingwithoutme.
“IjustwantedyoutoknowthatI’mlookingintothelistyougaveme,”hesaid.“I’mnotofficiallybackonduty,butthatjustmeansthisisgettingmyundividedattention.”
“Iappreciatethat,Nash,”Isaid,givinghisarmasqueeze.Itwasn’tacrimetoappreciatethemuscle,right?
“Ifyourememberanyotherdetailsaboutthisred-hairedguy,you’llletmeknow?”
“Sure,”Isaid,myheadbobbing.“Ionlytalkedtohimthatonetime.Buthestandsoutinacrowd.Muscular,tattooed,brightredhair.”
Nash’seyesgotafunnyfarawaylooktothem.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskedagain.
Hegaveanalmostimperceptibleheadshake.“Yeah.Fine.”
“Doyouthinkhecouldhavesomethingtodowiththebreak-in?”
NashdidtheMorgannervousticofrunninghishandthroughhishair.“He’sawildcard,andIdon’tlikewildcards.Thisguyjusthappenstoshowupatthelibrarytotalktoyou.”
“Hesaidheneededhelpwithacomputerproblem.”
Henodded,andIcouldseehimrearrangingpuzzlepiecesinhishead,tryingtofindthepattern.“Thenyouseehiminthebarthenightsomeonebreaksintoyourplace.That’snotacoincidence.”
Ishivered.
“Ijustkeephoping,whoevertheywere,theyfoundwhatevertheywerelookingfor.Iftheyfoundit,there’snoreasontocomeback.”
“Ihopesotoo,”hesaid.“DidyoutalktoWaylayaboutit?”
“Ididfinally.Shetookitprettywell.Shewasmoreconcernedaboutwhetheranyofhernewclotheswerestolenthanthebreak-initself.Shedidn’tseemtoknowwhatTinaoranyoneelsewouldhavebeenlookingfor.Imean,it’snotlikewehadapalletofstolenTVssittingaroundinthelivingroom.”
“Beenthinking,”Nashsaid,rubbingahandoverhisjaw.“Itdoesn’thavetobestolengoods.IfTinawasbraggingaboutabigpaydayitcouldhavebeenadifferentkindofjob.”
“Likewhat?”
“Peoplegetpaidtodoalotofshit.Maybeshegaveuponmovingstolenpropertyandgotmixedupinsomethingelse.Maybetheygottheirhandsoninformationthatsomeoneelsewanted.Orthatsomeonedidn’twantanyoneelsetoknow.”
“Howdoessomeoneloseorhideinformation?”
Hesmiledsweetlyatme.“Noteveryone’sasorganizedasyouare,honey.”
“IfthiswholethingisaboutsomethingTinawasirresponsibleenoughtolose,Iamgoingtobepissed,”Itoldhim.“Shewentthroughninehousekeys.Nine.Anddon’tevengetmestartedonthecarkeys.”
Hissmilestayedfixedinplace.“It’sgonnabeallright,Naomi.Ipromiseyou.”
Inodded.ButIcouldn’tstopthinkingofallthewaysTinahadmanagedtohurtmedespitemyparents’bestefforts.Howwereasmall-townpolicedepartmentandawoundedchiefsupposedtoprotectus?
Andthenithitme.Maybeitwastimeformetostartstandingupformyself.
Nashleanedagainstthewall.Hisexpressiongavenothingaway,butIwaswillingtobetmoneythathewasinpain
“ThereissomethingIwantedtoaskyou,”hesaid,lookingserious.
“Thereis?”Icroaked.Sure,Nashwasasunfairlygorgeousashisjerkofabrother.Hecertainlyhadamoreamiablepersonality.Andhewasgreatwithkids.GreatwithWaylay.Butifheaskedmeoutjustdaysafterhisbrother,Iwasgoingtohavetolethimdowneasy.
IhadzeroheadspaceforanotherMorganbrotherandIneededtofocusonmynieceandtheguardianship.
“YoumindifIhaveawordwithWaylay?”heasked.
Ijolted,rewindinghiswordstoseeifI’dsomehowmissedthedinnerinvitation.Nope.“Waylay?Why?”
“Imightasktherightquestionandhelpherremembersomethingimportantfrombeforehermomleft.SheknowsTinabetterthananyofus.”
Ibristled.“Doyouthinkshehassomethingtodowiththis?”
“No,honey.Idon’t.ButIknowwhatit’sliketobeakidwhokeepsquiet,playsthingsclosetothevest.”
Icouldseethatabouthim.Knoxwasthe“standupandpitchafitaboutaproblem”kindofguy.OntheoutsideNashwasMr.NiceGuy,buttherewasaquietdepththere,andIwonderedwhatsecretslurkedbeneaththatsurface.
“Okay,”Iagreed.“ButI’dliketobewithyouwhenyoudotalktoher.She’sfinallystartingtotrustme.Toopenuptome.SoIwanttobethere.”
“Absolutely.”Hetuckedastrandofhairbehindmyear,andIthoughtaboutwhatagoodguyhewas.ThenIwisheditwasKnox’sfingersinmyhair.AndthenIgotmadalloveragain.
Therestroomdooropened,andSloanewalkedout.Moreaccurately,shestumbled.Icaughther,andshesmiledupatmeandsquishedmycheeksbetweenherhands.“Youaresooooopretty!”
“I’llescortthisonebacktothetable,”Nashvolunteered.
“You’rereallyprettytoo,Nash,”Sloanesaid.
“Iknow.It’sacurse,SloaneyBologna.”
“Aww.Youremember,”shecroonedasheledherbacktothebar.
Isteppedintotheladies’roomanddecideditwasnotaroomIwantedtolingerin.SoImadequickworkoftakingcareofbusinessandthenduckedbackintothehall.Therewerenobabysitterslurking,soIpulledoutmyphoneandopenedmyemail.
GlancingovermyshouldertomakesureLucianorNashhadn’tmaterialized,Istartedanewmessage.
To:Tina
From:Naomi
Subject:Whatyou’relookingfor
Tina,
Idon’tknowwhatyou’relookingfor.Butifitgetsyououtofmylife,I’llhelpyoufindit.TellmewhatI’mlookingforandhowIcangetittoyou.
N
IfIcouldfindwhateveritwasTinawantedfirst,I’dhavetheleverageIneededtogetheroutofmylife.Ifitwasn’tsomethinglikenuclearcodes,IcouldletherhaveitorIcouldatleastuseitasbaittolureheroutofhiding.
Iwaitedforthetinypinprickofguilt.Butitnevercame.Iwasstillwaitingwhenmyphoneranginmyhand.
KnoxMorgan.
Ididn’tknowifitwastheFireballorallthepityingpeptalks,butIfeltmorethanreadytotakecharge.Squaringmyshoulders,Iansweredthecall.“What?”
“Naomi?ThankGod.”Hesoundedrelieved.
“Whatdoyouwant,Knox?”
“Look,Idon’tknowwhatLinatoldyou,butthiswasn’twhatyouthink.”
“WhatIthink,”Isaid,cuttinghimoff,“isthatyourlovelifeisnoneofmybusiness.”
“Oh,comeon.Don’tbelikethat.”
“I’llbeanydamnwayIwanttobe,andyouhavenosayinit.Youneedtostoptextingandcalling.We’reover.Youwalked.”
“Naomi,justbecausewe’renottogetherdoesn’tmeanIdon’twantyousafe.”
Hisvoice,therawnessinit,wentstraighttomychest.IfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.
“That’sverychivalrousofyou,butIdon’tneedyoutokeepmesafe.There’sawholeotherlineofdefenseinplace.You’reofficiallyfree.Enjoyit.”
“Daze,Idon’tknowhowtomakeyouunderstand.”
“That’sjustit,Knox.Idounderstand.Iunderstandthatyoucared,anditscaredyou.IunderstandthatWaylayandIweren’trewardenoughtogetyoutofacethatfear.Igetit.I’mdealing.Youmadethecall,nowyouhavetodealwiththeconsequences.ButI’mnotlikeLina.I’mnotgoingtoinsistonbeingfriends.Infact,considerthismynotice.TomorrownightismylastshiftatHonkyTonk.Justbecauseweliveinthesamedamnsmalltowndoesn’tmeanwehavetoseeeachotherallthedamntime.”
“Naomi,thisisn’twhatIwanted.”
“Honestly,Idon’tcarewhatyouwant.Foronce,I’mthinkingaboutwhatIwant.Nowstopcalling.Stoptexting.Calloffyourbabysittersandletmelivemylife.Becauseyou’renolongerapartofit.”
“Look.IfthisisaboutwhatIsaidaboutyouandNash,Iapologize.Hetoldme—”
“I’mgoingtostopyourighttherebeforeyoucallmeyourleftoversagain.Idon’tcarewhatyousayorthinkaboutmeandanymanImightchoosetosee.Idon’tneedyouropinionsoryourhalf-assedapologies.Whoapologizesbysaying‘Iapologize’?”Idemanded,makingsuremyimitationofhimwasfarfromflattering.
Therewassilenceontheotherend,andforasecondI’dhopedhe’dhunguponme.
“Howmuchhaveyouhadtodrink?”heasked.
Iheldthephoneuptomyfaceandscreamedintoit.
Iheardthescrapeofchairs,andmomentslaterLucianandNashwerestandinginthemouthofthehallway.Iheldupafingertokeepthematbay.“IsuggestyoulosethisnumberbecauseifyoucallmeagainIwon’tmakeWaylaygiveyourdogback.”
“Naomi—”
Ihungupandstuffedthephoneintomypocket.“Canoneofyougivemearidehome?Ihaveaheadache.”
Butitwasnothingcomparedtotheacheinmychest.FORTY-FIVETHEBARFIGHT
Knox
IblewintoHonkyTonkunderafullheadofsteam.Ihadn’tsleptlastnight.NotafterthatphonecallwithNaomi.Thewomanwasastubbornnightmare.Shedidn’tcarethatIwastryingtodowhatwasbestforher.Shedidn’twanttoseeitfrommyperspective.Quittingagoodjobjustbecauseshegotherfeelingshurtwasastupidfuckingreasontoturnherbackoncash.
AndIwasgoingtotellherthat.
InsteadoftheusualgreetingsfromthekitchenstaffIgotacoupleoffurtiveglances,andsuddenlyeveryonewastoobusywithwhattheyweredoingtoevenacknowledgeme.
Everyoneneededtogettheirheadsoutoftheirassesandgetoverit.
IpushedthroughthedoorsintothebarandfoundNaomileaningoveratableinthecorner,laughingatsomethinghermomwassaying.LouandAmandawerethereforthedrinksportionoftheirweeklydatenight.
Iknewithadnothingtodowithsupportingmybusinessandeverythingtodowithshowingtheirsupportfortheirdaughter.
Therestofhersectionwasalreadyfull.Becauseshedrewpeopletoher.
Knockemouthadwelcomedherjustasithadmeandmybrotherallthoseyearsago.Ifshethoughtshewasgoingtoleavemebehind,shewasabouttobedisappointed.
Along,denim-cladlegkickedoutinfrontofme,blockingmypath.“Whoa,cowboy.Youlooklikeyou’reabouttomurdersomeone.”
“Idon’thavetimeforgames,Lina,”Itoldher.
“Thenstopplayingthem.”
“I’mnottheoneplaying.IfuckingtoldherjustlikeItoldyouhowitwasgoingtogo.ItwentthewayIsaid.She’sgotnorighttobepissedatme.”
“Youeverthinkabouttellinghertherealreasonwhyyouarethewayyouare?”sheasked,liftingaglassofwhatIhadafeelingwasmyprivatestockofbourbon.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iaskedevenly.
Sherolledhernecklikeshewaswarmingupforafight.“Listen,Knox.Womenhavethissixthsensewhenwe’rebeingserveduphalf-truths.”
“Yougotapoint?”
Naomilefthertablewithalittlewaveandwasheadedtothenextone,afour-topfullofbikers.
“Sheknowsthere’smoretoitthanwhatyou’resharing.Iknewit.AndI’dbewillingtobeteverywomaninbetweenknewittoo.We’resuckersforawoundedman.Wethinkwecanbetheoneyou’llletin.Theonewho’llmagicallyfixyouwithourlove.”
“Comeon,Lina.”
“I’mserious.Butyoujustkeeppushingallofusaway.AndIthinkthat’sbecauseyoudon’twanttoacknowledgeyourtruth.”
“YousoundlikeafuckingTVtherapist.”
“Bottomline,myfriend.Naomideservesyourtruth.Evenifit’sugly.She’snotgoingtoforgiveyouand‘getoverit,’asyousoeloquentlyputit,unlessyou’restraightwithher.Ithinkyouoweittoher.”
“Ireallydon’tlikeyourightnow,”Itoldher.
Shegrinned.“AndIdon’treallycare.”Shepolishedoffherdrinkandsettheemptyonthebar.“I’llseeyoulater.Trynottofuckitupevenmore.”
ItwaswiththosewordsringinginmyearsthatIroundedthebarandcaughtNaomiatthePOS.
Shehadn’tseenmeyet.SoIstoodtherelookingmyfill,mybodytensewiththeneedtotouchher.Herfacewasflushed.Herhairwasstyledinsexywaves.Shewasbackinoneofthosedamnjeanskirts.Thisonelookednewandevenshorterthantheothers.Sheworecowboybootsandalong-sleevedHonkyTonkV-neck.Shelookedlikeeveryman’sfantasy.
Shelookedlikemyfantasy.
“Needtotalktoyou,”Isaid.
ShejoltedwhenIspoke,thenlookedmeupanddownbeforeturningaway.
Igrabbedherarm.“That’snotarequest.”
“Incaseyouhaven’tnoticed,Ihaveseventables,boss.I’mbusy.It’smylastnight.There’snothingthatneedstobesaid.”
“You’rewrong,Daisy.It’snotyourlastnight,andthere’salotIneedyoutohear.”
Wewereclose.Tooclose.Mysenseswerefullofher.Herscent,thevelvetsoftnessofherskin,thesoundofhervoice.Itallwentstraighttomygut.
Shefeltittoo.Theattractionhadn’tsimplyvanishedbecauseI’dcalleditquits.Ifanything,thelastweekspentwithouthermademewantherevenmore.
Ifuckingmissedwakingupnexttoher.MissedseeingheratLiza’stable.MissedwalkingWaylaytothebusstop.MissedthewayIfeltwhenNaomikissedmelikeshecouldn’thelpherself.
Themusicfromthespeakerskickedovertoalivelycountryanthem,andthebarcheered.
“I’mbusy,Viking.Ifyoudragmeoutofhere,you’reonlyhurtingyourownprofitmargins.”
Iclenchedmyjaw.“Getyourtablessorted.You’reonbreakinfifteen.Myoffice.”
“Yeah,okay,”shesaid,hertonedrippingwithsarcasm.
“Ifyou’renotinmyofficeinfifteen,Iwillcomeouthere,throwyouovermyshoulder,andcarryyourassbackthere.”Ileanedincloser,almostcloseenoughtokissher.“Andthereisnowaythatskirtofyoursisupforthat.”
Ifelthershiveragainstmewhenmylipsbrushedherear.
“Fifteenminutes,Naomi,”Isaidandleftherstandingthere.
***
Sixteenminuteslater,Iwasaloneinmyofficeandroyallypissed.Iyankedthedooropensohardthehingesrattled.WhenIhitthebar,Naomi’sheadcameupattheservicebarlikeadoesensingdanger.
Iwentstraightforher.
Thoseeyeswentwidewhenshereadmyintention.
“Warnedyou,”Itoldherasshetookastepbackandthenanother.
“Don’tyoudare,Knox!”
ButIfuckingdared.
Icaughtherbythearmandbentatthewaist.Shewasupovermyshoulderinlessthanasecond.Itwaslikearecordscratch.ThebarwentcompletelysilentexceptforDariusRuckeronthespeakers.
“Max,runthosedrinks,”Isaid,noddingatNaomi’stray.
Naomisquirmed,tryingtorightherself,butIwasn’thavinganyofit.Igaveherahardslapontheass,catchingdenim,cotton,andbareskin.
Thebareruptedintopandemonium.
Naomisqueakedandreachedforthehemofherskirt.
ShewaswearingtheunderwearIboughther,andIknewthatasfrostyasshe’dbeen,shefuckingmissedme.
“Everyonecanseemyunderwear!”sheyelped.
Ilaidmypalmoverherass.“Better?”
“Iamgoingtoslapyousohardyourheadspinsaround,”shethreatenedasImarchedusoutofthebarandtowardmyoffice.
BythetimeIhitthecodeonthedoor,she’dstoppedfightingmeandhungupsidedownwithherarmscrossedinwhatIcouldonlyassumewasapout.
Ihatedtotakemyhandsoffher.Iwishedtherewasawaytogetthroughthiswithoutlettinghergo.ButIwasn’tagreatconversationalistundernormalcircumstances,andwhenIhadanachingdick,Iwasevenworse.
Igrabbedherbythehipsandletherslidedownmybodyuntilhertoeshitthefloor.Foramoment,westoodthere,pressedagainsteachotherlikewewereone.Andforjustasecond,asshelookedintomyeyeswithherpalmspressedflatonmychest,everythingfeltright.
Thenshewaspushingawayfrommeandsteppingback.
“Whatthehelldoyouwantfromme,Knox?Yousaidyoudidn’twanttobetogether.We’renottogether.I’mnotfollowingyouaround,beggingforanotherchance.Irespectedyourwishes.”
Iwasworriedshe’dgetthewronganswerifshelookedbelowmybelt,soIsteeredhertothechairbehindmydesk.
“Sit.”
Sheglaredatmeforafullthirtysecondswithherarmscrossedbeforegivingin.“Fine,”shesaid,floppingdowninmychair.Butthedistancedidn’tmakemefeelbetter.Iwasstartingtorealizetheonlythingthatdidwasbeingclosetoher.
“Youkeepsayingyouwantonethingandthenactinglikeyouwantsomethingcompletelydifferent,”shesaid.
“Iknow.”
Thatshutherup.
Ineededtomove,soIpacedinfrontofthedesk,needingtokeepsomethingbetweenus.
“There’ssomethingyoudon’tknow.”
Herfingersdrummedonherarms.“Yougonnaenlightenmeanytimesoon,ordoIhavetokissallthosetipsouttheregood-bye?”
Ishovedmyhandsthroughmyhair,scrapedonedownovermybeard.Ifeltsweatyandtwitchy.“Don’trushme,okay?”
“Iamnotgoingtomissworkingforyou,”shesaid.
“Fuck.Naomi.Justgivemeasecond.Idon’ttalkaboutthisshittoanyone.Okay?”
“Whystartnow?”Shestoodup.
“Youmetmyfather.”Iblurtedoutthewords.
Slowly,shesankbackintothechair
Istartedpacingagain.“Attheshelter,”Isaid.
“OhmyGod.Duke,”shesaid.Therealizationhither.“Youcuthishair.Youintroducedus.”
Ihadn’tintroducedthem.Naomihadintroducedherself.
“Whenmymomdied,hedidn’tdeal.Hestarteddrinking.Stoppedgoingtowork.GotbustedforaDUI.That’swhenLizaandPoptookusin.Theyweregrievingtoo.Forthem,beingaroundmeandNashwasn’tsomepainfulreminderofwhattheylost.Butformyfather…Hecouldn’tevenlookatus.Thedrinkingcontinuedhere.RighthereatthebarbeforeitwasHonkyTonk.”
Maybethat’swhyIboughtit.WhyI’dfeltcompelledtoturnitintosomethingbetter.
“Whenthealcoholstoppednumbinghim,hewentlookingforsomethingharder.”
SomanymemoriesI’dthoughtI’dburiedcamerushingback.
Dadwithbloodshoteyes,scratchesandscabsallonhisarms.Bruisesandcutshedidn’trememberonhisface.
Dadcurledonthefloorofthekitchen,screamingaboutbugs.
DadunresponsiveonNash’sbed,anemptybottleofpillsnexttohim.
Ichancedaglanceupather.Naomiwassittingstockstill,eyeswideandsad.Itwasbetterthanthefrostyindifference.
“Hewasinandoutofrehabhalfadozentimesbeforemygrandparentskickedhimout.”Ishovedmyhandthroughmyhairandgrippedthebackofmyneck
Naomididn’tsayanything.
“Henevergothisshittogether.Nevertried.NashandIweren’tenoughofareasonforhimtohangon.Welostmymom,butshedidn’tchoosetoleaveus.”Iswallowedhard.“Dad?Hechose.Heabandonedus.Hewakesupeverydayandmakesthesamechoice.”
Sheblewoutashakybreath,andIsawtearsinhereyes.
“Don’t,”Iwarnedher.
Shegavealittlenodandblinkedthemback.Iturnedawayfromher,determinedtogetitallsaid.
“LizaJandPopdidtheirbesttomakeitokayforus.WehadLucian.Wehadschool.Wehaddogsandthecreek.Ittookafewyears,butitwasgood.Wewereokay.Wewerelivingourlives.AndthenPophadaheartattack.Keeledoverfixingthedownspoutonthebackofthehouse.Deadbeforehehittheground.”
Iheardthechairmove,andasecondlater,Naomi’sarmscamearoundmywaist.Shedidn’tsayanything,justpressedherselfagainstmybackandheldon.Ilether.Itwasselfish,butIwantedthecomfortofherbodyagainstmine.
Itookabreathtofightoffthetightnessinmychest.“Itwaslikelosingthemalloveragain.Somuchuselessfuckingloss.ItwastoomuchforLizaJ.Shebrokedownandcriedinfrontofthecasket.Thissilent,never-endingwelloftearsasshestoodoverthemanshe’dlovedforherentirelife.I’veneverfeltmorehelplessinmyentiregoddamnexistence.Sheshutteredthelodge.Drewthecurtainstokeepthelightout.Shestoppedliving.”
Onceagain,Ihadn’tbeenenoughtomakesomeoneIlovedwanttogoon.
“Thosecurtainsstayedcloseduntilyou,”Iwhispered.
Ifeltherhitchagainstme,heardaraggedbreath.
“Fuck,Naomi.Itoldyounottocry.”
“I’mnotcrying,”shesniffled.
Idraggedheraroundtomyfront.Tearsstreakedherbeautifulface.Herlowerliptrembled.
“That’sinmyblood.Mydad.LizaJ.Theycouldn’tdeal.Theylostthemselves,andeverythingaroundthemspiraledoutofcontrol.Icomefromthat.Ican’taffordtogiveuplikethat.Ialreadyhavepeoplewhodependonme.Hell,somedaysitfeelslikethiswholedamntownneedssomethingfromme.Ican’tputmyselfinapositionwhereI’llletthemalldown.”
Sheletoutaslow,shakybreath.“Icanseehowyou’dfeelthatway,”shesaidfinally.
“Don’tfeelsorryforme.”Isqueezedherarms.
Sheswipedahandunderhereyes.“I’mnotfeelingsorryforyou.I’mwonderinghowyou’renotalargerteemingmessoftraumaandinsecurities.Youandyourbrothershouldbeveryproudofyourselves.”
Isnorted,thengaveintotheurgetopullherintome.Irestedmychinonthetopofherhead.
“I’msorry,Naomi.ButIdon’tknowhowtobedifferent.”
Shestilledagainstme,thentiltedherheadbacktolookatme.“Wow.KnoxMorganjustsaidhewassorry.”
“Yeah,well,don’tgetusedtoit.”
Herfacecrumpled,andIrealizedwhatastupidfuckingthingitwastosay
“Shit.I’msorry,baby.I’manasshole.”
“Yeah,”sheagreed,sniffingheroically.
Ilookedaroundmyoffice.ButIwasaman.Ididn’tkeepaboxoftissueshandy.“Here,”Isaid,maneuveringustowardthecouchwheremygymbagsat.Iyankedat-shirtoutofitandusedittomopupthetearsthatwererippingmetoshredsinside.Thefactthatsheletmemadethemalittleeasiertohandle.
“Knox?”
“Yeah,Daze?”
“Ihopesomedayyoumeetthewomanwhomakesitallworthit.”
Inudgedherchinup.“Baby,Idon’tthinkyougetit.Ifitwasn’tyouandWay,it’snevergonnabeanybody.”
“That’sreallysweetandreallymessedupatthesametime,”shewhispered.
“Iknow.”
“Thankyoufortellingme.”
“Thanksforlistening.”
Ifelt…different.Lightersomehow,asifI’dmanagedtothrowopenmyowncurtainsorsomeshitlikethat.
“Wegood?”Iasked,threadingmyfingersthroughherhairandtuckingitbehindherears.“Ordoyoustillhateme?”
“Well,IhateyouawholelotlessthanwhenIstartedmyshift.”
Mylipsquirked.“Doesthismeanyou’dbewillingtostayon?Customersloveyou.Stafflovesyou.Andthebossisprettydamnfondofyou.”
Iwasmorethanfondofher.Holdingherlikethis.Talkingtoherlikethis.Somethingwashappeninginmychest,anditfeltlikefireworks.
Shepressedherlipstogetherandbroughtherhandstomychest.“Knox,”shesaid.
Ishookmyhead.“Iknow.It’snotfairtoaskyoutohangaroundwhenIcan’tbewhatyoudeserve.”
“Idon’tthinkmyheartissafearoundyou.”
“Naomi,thelastthingIwanttodoishurtyou.”
Sheclosedhereyes.“Iknowthat.Igetit.ButIdon’tknowhowtoprotectmyselffromthehope.”
Inudgedherchinup.“Lookatme.”
ShedidasItoldher.
“Talk.”
Sherolledhereyes.“Imean,lookatus,Knox.Webothknowthisisgoingnowhere,yetwe’restillliterallyentwined.”
God,Ilovedthatfancyvocabularyofhers.
“I’llbeabletoremindmyselfforawhilethatyoucan’tbewithme.Butsoonerorlater,I’mgoingtostartforgetting.Becauseyou’reyou.Andyouwanttotakecareofeverybodyandeverything.You’llbuyWaylayadressthatsheloves.Ormymomwilltalkyouintogolfingwithherontheweekends.Oryou’llbringmecoffeewhenImostneeditagain.Oryou’llpunchmyexinthefaceagain.AndI’llforget.AndI’llfallalloveragain.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetodo?”Iasked,gatheringheragainstmeagain.“Ican’tbewhoyouwantmetobe.ButIcan’tletyougo.”
Shecuppedahandtomycheekandstaredupatmewithsomethingthatlookedahellofalotlikelove.“Unfortunately,Viking,thoseareyouronlytwochoices.Someoneoncetoldmeinthisveryroomthatitdoesn’tmatterhowshittytheoptionsare.It’sstillachoice.”
“Ithinkthatguyalsotoldyouthatthere’samanouttherewhoknewonhisbestdayhewasnevergonnabegoodenoughforyou.”
Shegavemeasqueezeandthenstartedtoslideoutofmygrip.“Ineedtogetbackoutthere.”
ItwentagainsteveryinstinctIhadtolethergo,butIdiditanyway.
Ifeltstrange.Open,exposed,raw.Butalsobetter.She’dforgivenme.I’dshownherwhoIreallywas,whatIcamefrom,andshe’daccepteditall.
“AnychanceIcouldgetmydogback?”Iasked.
Shegavemeasadsmile.“That’sbetweenyouandWaylay.Ithinkmaybeshecoulduseanapologyfromyoutoo.She’swithLizatonight.”
Inodded.“Yeah.Okay.Naomi?”
Shestoppedatthedoorandlookedback.
“Doyouthinkifwewouldhavecarriedon…Imean.Ifwehadn’tcalleditoff,isitpossiblethatyouwouldhave…”Icouldn’tgetthewordsout.Theycloggedmythroatandcloseditup.
“Yeah,”shesaidwithasadsmilethathadmyinsideschurning.
“Yeah,what?”Ipressed.
“Iwouldhavelovedyou.”
“Howdoyouknow?”Idemanded,myvoicearasp.
“BecauseIalreadydo,dummy.”
Andwiththat,shewalkedoutofmyoffice.FORTY-SIXTINASUCKS
Naomi
Iwentstraighttotherestroomtorepairmyface.KnoxMorgansuredidanumberonawoman’smakeup.AfterIcleanedupthesadclownfaceandreappliedmylipstick,Igavemyreflectionalong,hardlook.
ThetinyshardsofmybrokenheartwerenowgroundintoafinedustthankstoKnox’sconfession.
“Nowonder,”Iwhisperedtomyreflection.
Therewerethingsapersonnevergotover.Webothjustwantedsomeonetoloveusenoughtomakeupforallthetimeswehadn’tbeenenough.Itfeltlikesuchawastethatwecouldfeelthewaywedid,butneitherofuscouldbethatpersonfortheother.
Icouldn’tmakeKnoxlovemeenough,andthesoonerIgotoverthat,thebetter.Maybesomedaywecouldbefriends.IfIwonthecustodyhearing,andifWaylayandIdecidedtomakeKnockemoutourpermanenthome.
ThinkingofWaylay,Idugmyphoneoutofmyaprontocheckmymessages.Earlierthisweek,I’dapprovedamessagingappforherlaptopsoshecouldtextmeifsheneededto.Inreturn,she’ddownloadedaGIFkeyboardonmyphonesowecouldexchangeGIFsthroughouttheday.
“Oh,great,”IgroanedwhenIsawthedozennewtexts.
Silver:Niceundies.
Max:Thisbettermeanyouguysaremakingup!!!!
Mom:Sixflameemojis.
Fi:We’recoveringyourtablessofeelfreetohaveasmanyorgasmsinKnoxy’sofficeasyouneed.
Sloane:Linajusttexted(alongwithnineotherpeopleatthebar).Didthatsonofabitchreallycarryyouofflikehewasacaveman?Ihopeyourearrangedhisfaceandhisballs.
Waylay:AuntNaomi,I’mintrouble.
ThebreathinmylungsfrozewhenIreadthelasttext.She’dsentitfifteenminutesago.Withshakinghands,IfiredoffaresponseasIrushedoutoftherestroom.
Me:Areyouokay?What’swrong?
Therewerealotofreasonsaneleven-year-oldcouldthinktheywereintrouble,Irationalized.Itdidn’tmeantherewasanactualemergency.Maybesheforgothermathhomework.MaybesheaccidentallybrokeLiza’sfavoritegardencherub.Maybeshe’dgottenherperiod.
IalsohadthreemissedcallsinthelastfiveminutesfromanUnknownnumber.Somethingwaswrong.
IheadedforthekitchenandscrolledthroughmycontactsforLiza’snumber.
“Everythingokay,Naomi?”MilfordaskedasIhustledfortheparkinglot.
“Yeah.Ithinkso.Justhavetomakeaquickcall,”Isaidbeforepushingthroughtheexteriordoorintothecoldnightair.
IwasgettingreadytohitCallwhenheadlightsfromacarblindedme.Iheldupmyhandtoblockthelightandsteppedback.
“Naomi.”
Myarmsdroppedlimplytomyside.Iknewthatvoice.
“Tina?”
Mytwinsisterleanedoutthedriver’ssidewindow.IfeltlikeIwaslookinginthemirroragain.Afunhousemirror.Herformerlybleachedhairwasnowadarkbrownandcutshortinastylesimilartomine.Oureyeswerethesamehazel.Thedifferencesweresubtle.Shewaswearingacheapfakeleatherjacket.Shehadmultipleearringsinbothears.Hereyelinerwasthickandblue.
ButshelookedasworriedasIfelt.
“He’sgotWaylay!Hetookher,”shesaid.
Mystomachdropped,andawaveofnauseacrestedaseverymuscleinmybodytightened.“What?Whotookher?Whereisshe?”
“It’sallmyfault,”Tinawailed.“Weneedtogo.Youhavetohelpme.Iknowwherehetookher.”
“Weshouldcallthepolice,”Isaid,rememberingIhadaphoneinmyhand
“Call’emontheway.Wegottamovefast,”shesaid.“Comeon.”
Operatingonautopilot,Iopenedthepassengerdoorandclimbedin.Iwasreachingformyseatbeltwhensomethingfurryclampedovermywrist.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Ishrieked.
Tinagrabbedmyotherarm,herfingernailsdiggingintomywrist.Itriedtopullawaybutwasn’tquickenough.Shesnappedtheothercuffinplace.
“Forthesmartone,yousurearestupid,”shesaid,lightingacigarette.
Myeviltwinhadjusthandcuffedmetothedashboardwithfurrysexcuffs.
“Where’sWaylay?”
“Relax.”Sheblewastreamofsmokeinmydirection.“Thekid’sfine.Youwillbetooifyoucooperate.”
“Cooperatehow?Withwho?”Iyankedagainstthecuffs.
Sheletoutacackleasshepulledoutoftheparkinglot.“Prettyfunny,right?Foundthoseinaboxofsextoysinmyoldassholelandlord’sstorageunit.”
“Gross!”Iwasgoingtoneedtoscrubmyselfwithbleachwhenthiswasover.
Myphonewasfacedownonthefloor.IfIcouldgettoit,Icouldcallsomeone.Iyankedonthecuffsagain,yelpingwhentheybitintomyskin.
“Gotyouremail,”mysistersaidconversationally.“Figuredbetweenyouandthatkidofmine,we’dfindwhatI’mlookin’forrealquick.”
“Findwhat?”Inudgedmyphonewiththetoeofmybootinanefforttoflipitover.Theanglewasn’tquiteright,andinsteadofflippingitover,itslidfurtherunderthedash.
“Doesn’tsurprisemethatyoudon’tknow.Onethingthatdoesn’tsuckaboutmykidisshesureknowshowtokeepherdamnmouthshut.MymanandIgotourhandsonsomeprettyimportantinformationthatalotofpeoplewouldpayalotofmoneytoget.Keptitonaflashdrive.Flashdrivewentmissing.”
“WhatdoesthishavetodowithWaylay?”Thistimethenudgewasjustenoughtoflipthephoneover…andunfortunatelyturnthescreenon.Theglowwasnotsubtle.
“Oh-ho!Nicetry,Goody.”Mysisterleaneddownandreachedforthephone.Thecarswervedofftheroadontotheberm,headlightsshiningonalongrunofpasturefence.
“Watchout!”Iduckedaswesmashedrightthroughthefenceandcametoastopinthegrassyhorsepasture.Myheadsmackedagainstthedashboard,andIsawstars.
“Whoops!”Tinasaid,sittingupholdingmyphone.
“Ouch!God,youhaven’tgottenanybetteratdriving,haveyou?”
“Orgasmsandundies,”shemused,scrollingthroughmytexts.“Huh.Maybeyougotmoreinterestingsincehighschool.”
IleaneddownsoIcoulduseashackledhandtoprodmyachingforehead.
“YoubetternothavehurtWaylay,youirresponsibleignoramus.”
“Vocabulary’sstillworkin’justfine.Whatthehelldoyoutakemefor?Iwouldn’thurtmyowndaughter.”
Shesoundedinsulted.
“Look,”Isaidwearily.“JusttakemetoWaylay.”
“That’stheplan,Goody.”
GoodywasshortforGoodyTwoShoes,thenicknameTinahadsaddledmewithwhenwewereallofnineyearsoldandshewantedtoseehowhighwecouldshootarrowsintotheairwithouruncle’scrossbowthatshefound.
IwishedIhadthatcrossbownow.
“Icannotbelievewe’rerelated.”
“Makestwoofus,”shesaid,tossinghercigarettefollowedbymyphoneoutthewindow.
Shecrankedtheradioandstompedontheaccelerator.Thecarfishtailedwildlyonthedampgrassbeforecareeningthroughthegapingholeinthefence.
***
Thirtyminuteslater,Tinaturnedoffthepothole-riddenroadthatcutthrougharundown-lookingindustrialsectionofaD.C.suburb.Shepulleduptoachainlinkfenceandlaidonthehorn.
Subtletywasnotmysister’sspecialty.
I’dspenttheentiredrivethinkingaboutWaylay.AndKnox.Aboutmyparents.Liza.Nash.Sloane.TheHonkyTonkgirls.AbouthowI’dfinallysomehowmanagedtomakeahomeformyselfonlytohaveTinashowupandruinitall.Again.
Twoshadowyfiguresdressedindenimandleatherappearedandwrestledthegateopenwithanear-splittingscreech
Ineededtosticktomystrengthsandplayitsmart.I’dgettoWaylayandthenfindawayout.Icoulddothis.
Wepulledthroughthegate,andTinabroughtthecartoastopinfrontofaloadingdock.Shelitanothercigarette.Herfourthofthetrip.
“Youshouldn’tsmokesomuch.”
“Whatareyou?Thelungpolice?”
“Itgivesyouwrinkles.”
“That’swhatplasticsurgeonsarefor,”Tinasaid,heftinghersignificantlylargerfakebreasts.“That’stheproblemwithyou.Alwaystooworriedabouttheconsequencestohaveanyfun.”
“Andyounevergavetheconsequencesathought,”Ipointedout.“Lookatwherethatgotyou.YouabandonedandthenkidnappedWaylay.Abductedme.Nottomentionstolefrommeonmultipleoccasions.Nowyou’removingstolenproducts.”
“Yeah?Andwhichoneofusishavingmorefun?”
“Actually,I’vebeensleepingwithKnoxMorgan.”
Sheeyedmethroughthesmoke.“You’reshittingme.”
Ishookmyhead.“Iamnotshittingyou.”
Shethumpedthesteeringwheelandcackled.“Well,well.LookatlittleGoodyTwoShoesfinallylooseningup.Nextthingyou’llbejumpin’onthepoleatamateurnightandshopliftingscratch-offs.”
Iseriouslydoubtedthat.
“What?Whoknows?Maybeyouloosenupenoughwemightfindthatsisterlybondyouwerealwayswhiningabout,”Tinasaid,slappingmythighwithwhatmighthavebeenaffection.“Butfirst,wegottagetthisbusinesstakencareof.”
Iheldupmyhandcuffedhands.“WhatkindofbusinesscanItakecareofwithsexcuffson?”
Shereachedintothepocketofherdoorandproducedasetofkeys.“Here’sthething.Needyoutodomeafavor.”
“Anythingforyou,Tina,”Isaiddryly.
“IbetmymanahundreddollarsIcouldgetyouherewithoutknockingyououtorforcingyou.Toldhimyouwereanatural-bornsucker.HesaidtherewasnowayIcouldgetyoutomarchoninthereallfreewillandshit.Sohere’showthisisgonnago.I’mgonnauncuffyouandtakeyouupstairstomymanandkid.You’renotgonnatellhimaboutthese.”Sheruffledthepurpleleopardfuronthecuffclosesttoher.
Mysisterwasanidiot.
“IfIuncuffyouandyoutrytorunorifyouopenyourtattletalemouthupthere,I’llmakesureyouneverseeWaylayagain.”
Anidiotwithasurprisinggraspofwhatmotivatedpeople.
Shegrinned.“Yeah.Iknewyou’dlikeher.Figuredshe’dlikeyoutoo,seein’ashowyou’reintoallthatgirlieshit.Knewyou’dbethebestplacetoparkmykidtillIwasreadytohittheroad.”
“Waylay’sagreatgirl,”Isaid.
“Sheain’tsomewhinytattletalelikesomepeople,”shesaid,shootingmeapointedlook.“Anyway,Iwinmybet,yougettospendsomequalitytimewiththekidbeforeweheadofftoourpayday.”
ShewantedtotakeWaylaywithher.Ifeltanicysicknesssettleinmygutbutsaidnothing.
“Wegotadeal?”
Inodded.“Yeah.Yes.Wehaveadeal.”
“Let’sgetmemyhundredbucks,”Tinasaidcheerfully.
Icountedthreemoreswarthydegenerates,allwithguns,insidethewarehouse.Thefirstfloorhadnearlyadozenflashyvehiclesparkedinside.Somewereundertarps,somesatwiththeirhoodsupanddoorsopen.OntheothersideoftheloadingdockwereboxesofTVsandwhatlookedlikeotherstolengoods.
Itwascold,andIwasn’tdressedforit.
“Let’sgo,Goody.Gotshittodo,”Tinasaid,leadingthewayupthemetalstairstothesecondfloor,anareathatlookedlikeithadoncehousedoffices.
Mysisterthrewopenthedoorandstruttedinside.“Mama’shome,”sheannounced.
Ihesitatedoutsidethedoorandsentupasilentprayertothegoodtwingods.Iwasscared.IwouldhavegivenanythingtohaveKnoxorNashortheentireKnockemoutPoliceDepartmentwithme.Butthatwasn’tgoingtohappen.
IneededtobemyownherotonightorIwasgoingtoloseeverything.
IstraightenedmyshouldersandcrossedthethresholdtodowhatIdidbest,triagethemess.Therewasheatinside,thankGod.Notmuch,butenoughthatatleastmyladypartswouldn’tfreeze.Therewasalsoadistinctodorofoldtakeoutfood,mostlikelycomingfromthestackofpizzaboxesandto-gocontainersonalongfoldingtable.
Dingyglasswindowsoverlookedthewarehousefloorandtheexterior.Againstathirdwallwasafutontoppedwithwhatlookedlikeveryexpensivesheetsandnofewerthansixpillows.
Thereweretworollingracksofdesignerclothingthatcreatedamakeshiftcloset.Adozenpairsofhigh-endmen’ssneakersandloaferswereorganizedonanotherfoldingtable.
Thefloorwassticky.Theceilinghadholesinit.Andtherewasathicklayerofgrimeonthewindows.
IitchedtofindtheLysolandstartscrubbinguntilIspottedthetablestackednearlyafoothighwithbundlesofcash.
“Toldya,”Tinasaidtriumphantly,hookingherthumbinmydirection.“Walkedrightin,didn’tshe?”
IstoppedshortwhenIrecognizedthemaninthelarge,leatherofficechairinfrontoftheflat-screenTV.
Itwasthered-hairedguyfromthelibraryandHonkyTonk.Onlythistime,hewasn’tdressedtoblendin.HewaswearingaflashypairofjeansandabrightorangeBalenciagahoodie.
Hewasrubbingaclothoveranalreadygleaminghandgun.
Igulped.
“Well,well.Ifitisn’tmyoldlady’sdoppelganger.Rememberme?”hesaidwithavillainoussmirk.
“Mr.Flint,”Isaid.
Tinasnorted.“Hisname’sDuncan.DuncanHugo.AsintheHugocrimesyndicate.”
Shewasbragging,makinghimsoundasifshe’djusttoldmeshewasdatingasexyhumanitarianlawyeroranorthodontistwithabeachhouse.
“WhatdidItellyou,T?Youdon’tsaymyfuckingnametoanyfuckingone,”Duncanbarked.
“Pfft.She’smysister,”shesaid,flippingopenapizzaboxandpullingoutaslice.“IfIcan’ttellher,whocanItell?”
Duncanpinchedthebridgeofhisnose.AmoveI’dseenmyfatherandKnoxmake.IwonderedifallWittwomenhadthiseffectonmen.
“Thisain’tladies’nightout,woman,”Duncanremindedher.“Thisisbusiness.”
“It’sbusinessafteryoupayup.Youlost.Iwon.Coughupthecash.”
Ididn’tthinkitwasthebestideatotauntthemanholdingthegun,butTinadidwhatTinaalwaysdid—whatevershewantedtodoregardlessoftheconsequences.
“Putitonmytab,”themansaid,continuingtostudyme.Hebroughtthebarrelofthegunuptoscratchhistemple.
“Idon’tthinkthat’sasafewaytohandleafirearm,”Iinterjected.
Hestudiedmeforseveralsecondsthenhisfacebrokeintoameangrin.“That’sfunny.You’refunny.”
Great.Nowhewaspointingthegunatmelikeitwasafinger.
“Fuckyourtab,Dunc.Gimmiethecash,”Tinainsisted.
“Where’sWaylay?”Idemanded.
“Oh,yeah.Where’sthekid?”Tinaasked,glancingaround.
Duncan’sgringotwiderandmeaner.Withhisboot,hegavethechairnexttohimakick.Itrolledacrossthefloor,theseatslowlyspinningtofaceus
“Mmmphmmm!”
Waylay,wearingpajamasandsneakers,wasgaggedandtiedtothechair.Shelookedmutinous,herexpressionmirroringhermother’s.Waylonwassittinginherlap.Histailthumpedwhenhespottedme.
Iforgotallaboutbeingscaredandalmostfeltsorryforthered-headedmoron.IfTinaorIdidn’tkillhimfortyingupWaylay,Knoxwouldforstealinghisdog.
“Whyisshetiedup?”Tinademanded.
Duncanshruggedandusedthebarreloftheguntoscratchanitchbetweenhisshoulderblades.“Littlebitchcalledmeadickweaselandtriedtokickmeintheballs.Fuckin’bitmetoo,”hesaid,holdinguphisforearmtoshowoffthebandage.
“Well,wereyoubein’adickweasel?”mysisterasked,crossingherarms.
Waylay,eyesnarrowed,noddedvehemently.
“Me?”Hepointedthegunathischest,allinnocence.“Ijusttoldhernottoeatanotherpieceofpizza,elseshe’dgetfat,andnoonelikesfatchicks.”
Tinastompedoveranddrilledafingerintohischest.“Youdon’ttellmykidaboutgettingfat.Thatshitgoestoagirl’shead.Bodydysmorphiaandshitlikethat.”
Iwasimpressed.
“Bitchesaresosensitive,”Duncansaidtomeasifhecouldexpectmyagreement.
“Givememymoneyanduntieher,”Tinademanded.
Icouldn’thelpbutnoticetheorderofherprioritiesandtabledmynewfoundrespectformysister.
Exasperated,IstartedtowardWaylay.Waylonscrambledoffherlapandtriedtoapproachbutwasstoppedbyhisleash.
“Uh-uh.Onemorestep,andwe’regonnahaveaproblem,NotTina.”ThewarningwasaccompaniedbytherackingofagunasDuncancametohisfeet.
Iglaredathim.“MynameisNaomi.”
“Don’tcareifyournameisQueenLatifah.Ineedyoutostandrightwhereyouare.”Hegesturedwiththegun.“Now,Waylay—whateverthefuckkindofnamethatis—where’sthefuckingflashdrive?Yougottensecondstotellme,orI’mgonnashootyourauntrightbetweentheeyes.”
ThecigaretteinTina’smouthfelltothefloorasshegapedathim.“Thefuck?Thatwasn’tpartoftheplan,youasshole!”
“Youshutyourmouth,orI’lldropyounexttoyoursister.Hey!What’ssadderthanadeadtwin?Twodeadtwins!”Duncanhowledathisownfeeblehumor.
“Youdirtydouble-crosser,”Tinasnarled.
Hestoppedlaughing.“Nowholdonthere,T.Iain’tdouble-crossedyouyet.ImeantwhatIsaid.Wecantakethedrive,sellitandstartbuildingsomethingreal.Somethingthat’sgotnothingtodowithmyfuckin’dadorthefuckin’familybusiness!”Hisarmsflailed,thebarrelofthegunpointingeverywhereatonce.
“Couldyoupleasegesticulatewithoutthegun?”Isuggested.
“Christ.Againwiththedaddyissues,”TinascoffedatDuncan.“Mydaddyisabig-timecrimelord.It’ssohardtoliveuptohisexample.Boo-friggin-hoo.”
AgainIbegantoinchmywaytowardWaylay.
“YouknowIdon’tlikeitwhenyoutalktomelikemymom,”Duncanhowled.
“You’reactin’likeyou’relargeandincharge.Butwho’stheonewhotrickedthekidintothecarbypretendingtobemysister?Who’stheonewhogotNaomihere?”
“Hey!I’mdoin’thisforyou,T.WecouldfinallygettheequipmenttomakethosefakeIDsyou’realwaysrunnin’yourmouthabout.Orsetupablackmarketorgandonorfarm.”
Iwrinkledmynose.“Gross!Isthatarealthing?”
“Don’tyouyuckmyyum,HotTina,”hesaidtome.
Oh,boy.
Tinabackhandedhimintheshoulder.“Whatdidyoujustcallher?”
IusedthedistractiontosneakclosertoWaylay.
“Ow!ImeantNotTina,”Duncaninsisted.
Myniecechosethatmomenttoheaveherselfforward,tryingtotipthechairover,onlysucceedinginknockingintothetablewiththefatstacksofcash
Iracedforward,untanglingdogleashandrope.
“Onemoremove,andbothofthemgetit,”Duncanwarned,theguntrainedonmeashestaredatWaylay.“Yougotfiveseconds,kid,tostarttalking.Where’sthedrive?”
Waylay’seyeswerewideandscaredandpinnedtome.
“Five…four…three…two…”FORTY-SEVENMISSING
Knox
“WhatthehelldidyoudowithNaomi?”Fidemanded,wavingherlollipopinmyfacewhenIhitthebarfloor.
InoticedNaomi’sparentsweregone,andtheirtablehadbeenturnedover.
“Italkedtoher.Nicely,”Isaidwhenhereyesnarrowed.“Why?”
“Couldn’thavebeenthatnicesinceallhertablesaregettingrestlesswithemptydrinks.”
IpeeredoverFi’sshoulder,doingwhatIalwaysdid,lookingforNaomi.ButFiwasright.Shewasn’tthere.
“Ifyouchasedheroffinthemiddleofashift—”
“Ididn’tchaseheroff.Wetalked.Itwasgood.We’regood.Didyoucheckthebathroom?”
“Now,gee,whydidn’tIthinkofthat?”Fisaid,hervoicedrippingwithsarcasm.
“DidyouaskhimwhatthehellhedidwithNaomi?”Maxaskedasshebuzzedby.
Somethingcoldsettledinmygut.Ignoringmyemployees,Ipushedthroughthedoorsintothekitchen.“Naomiinhere?”
Milfordlookedupfromthechickenhewasgrillingandtiltedhisheadtowardthedoortotheparkinglot.“Wentoutacoupleminutesagotomakeacall.Shelookedupset.Yousaysomethingmeantoheragain?”
Ididn’tbotheranswering.InsteadIwentstraightforthedoorandshoveditopen.Fiwasonmyheels.Thenightairhadacrispbitetoitthatdidnothingtothawtheicyfearinsideme.TherewasnosignofNaomi.
“Fuck.”Ididnothaveagoodfeelingaboutthis.
“She’sprobablyjustgettingsomefreshairsinceyoubrokeherheartandthenembarrassedherinfrontofhalfthetown,”Figuessed,scanningthelotwithme.Butshedidn’tsoundsureeither.
“Idon’tlikethis,”Imuttered.“Naomi!”Buttherewasnoresponse.
“Naomi,Knoxissorryforbeinganass!”Fishoutedintothenightnexttome.
Nothing.
Myphonevibratedinmypocket,andIyankeditout.
Nash.
“What?”
“Justaheads-up.I’monmywaytoLiza’s.ShesaidWaylay’sgone.Tookyourdogoutforapeebreak,andneitheroneofthemcameback.”
Theiceinmygutturnedintoaniceberg.
“Howlongago?”
“Aboutfortyminutes.Lizawentoutlookingforthem.Thinksshesawtaillightsheadingfortheroad.SaidshetriedtocallNaomi,butshe’snotpickingupherphone.Itriedtooandgotvoicemail.I’msureit’snothing,butIneedyoutotellNaomi.”
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Myheartwashittinglikeadamnbassdrum.
“Naomisteppedouttomakeacall,andnoone’sseenhersince.I’mstandinginthefuckingparkinglot,andshe’snothere.”
“Goddammit.”
“Idon’tlikethis,”Isaid,draggingahandthroughmyhair.“I’mgonnagolookforthem.”
“DomeafavorfirstandcallNaomi’sparents.I’mgonnagetLizaandhavesomeofmyguysdoasweepofthewoods.”
“She’snotgonnabethere,”Itoldhim.
“Gottastartsomewhere.Callyouback,”Nashsaid.
IimmediatelydialedNaomi’snumberandheadedbackinside.Fifollowedmewithwide,worriedeyes.
Isnappedmyfingersather.“Getonthesecurityfeedfortheparkinglot.”
Shedidn’tgivemeanounceofshit,justbobbedherheadandhurriedoffinthedirectionoftheoffice.
“Naomiokay,boss?”Milfordasked.
“She’snotoutthere.”
“Hey!Icoulduseahandouthere.Thenativesaregettin’restlessandthirsty,”Maxsaid,swingingthroughthekitchendoor.Shetookonelookatusandstoppedinhertracks.“What?”
“Can’tfindNaomi,”Itoldherasthephonerangandranginmyear.
“Whatthehelldidyousaytoherthistime?”Maxdemanded.
“Hi,you’vereachedNaomiWitt.Thanksforcalling!Leaveamessage.”
Ihitredialasworrycreptovermelikeanicy,blackcloud.
“Comeon,Daze.Pickup,”Imuttered.
“Letmetry,”Maxsaid,pullingoutherphone.
“Tellmethesecondyoutalktoher.Ineedtoknowwheresheis.”
“What’shappening?”Silverasked,stickingherheadinthedoor.
“WaylayandNaomiaremissing,”Isnapped.
Alleyeslandedonme.
“Whataretheoddsthatthey’dbothgomissingatthesametime?”Maxasked.
Ishookmyheadandscrolledthroughmycontacts.Myhandswereshaking.IdialedLou’snumber.
“Iknowit’sdatenight,andIknowI’mnotyourfavoritepersonrightnow,butIthinkwe’vegottrouble,”Itoldhimwhenheanswered.
“What’swrong?”
“LizasaidWaylaywentmissingagain.SheandNashareoutlookingforhernow,butNaomiwalkedoutofthebartomakeacall,andIcan’tfindhereither.”
“I’llmeetyouatHonkyTonkintwominutes,”hesaid.
“Ifsomethinghappenedtothem,Lou…”Icouldn’tevenfinishthethought.
“We’regonnafindthem.Keepittogether,son.”
“Knox.”TheworryinFi’stonehadmeturningfast.
“Igottago,”Isaidandhungup.“Whatdidyoufind?”
“Hercoatandbagarestillbehindthebar.Andthecamerahashergettingintoacarintheparkinglotabouttenminutesago.”
Tenminutesfeltlikealifetime.“Whatkindofcar?Whowasdriving?”
“Icouldn’ttell.Oneithercount.Somedark,crappysedan.Butitlookslikeshegotinwillingly.”
“Whatthehell’sgoingon?”Wraithdemanded,pokinghisheadintothekitchen.“There’sgonnabearevoltoutheresoonifsomeonedoesn’tstartpouringbeers.”
“Naomi’smissing,”Fitoldhim.
“Fuckme.”
“Waylaytoo,”Maxaddedwithatearfulsniffle.
“Doublefuck,”Wraithsaid,thendisappearedbackintothebar.
“Herphone,”Fisaid.
“She’snotanswering.”
“Butshe’sonyourfamilyplan,isn’tshe?”
Mymindwasgoingamillionmilesaminute.Ineededtogetoutthereandstartlookingforher.EverysecondIwastedwasonesecondthatshegotfartheraway.“Yeah.”
Maxslappedmeinthearm.“Youcantrackher!”
Technologyforthefuckingwin.Ishovedmyphoneather.“Findher.”
Asshemoveddeftfingersoverthescreen,Iheadedformyoffice.Igrabbedmycoatandkeysandreturnedtothebar.
Itwasn’tthepandemoniumI’dexpectedfrompissed-offdrinkersonaSaturdaynight.Itwasorganizedchaos.Wraithstoodonthebar,bootsplantedbetweenbeerglasses.Everyonewasgatheredaround,shruggingintocoats.
“Lastseengettingintoadarkgrayfour-doorshitmobilewearingadenimskirtandlong-sleevedshirtthatsaysHonkyTonk.”
“Whatthehellisthis?”Idemanded.
“Searchparty,”Silversaidassheshovedherarmsintoagraytweedcoat
Thefrontdooropened,andeveryoneturnedexpectantly.
ItwasLouandAmanda.
“Let’emthrough,”Wraithordered.Thecrowdpartedforthem,andtheyhurriedforward.
“Igother!”Maxsaid,holdingmyphoneuptriumphantly.“Lookslikeshe’sjustoffRoute7neartheLuckyHorseshoeFarm.”
Isnatcheditoutofherhand.“CallNash,”Isaid,pointingtoLou.
LouturnedtoAmanda.“CallNash.I’mgoingwithhim.”
Ididn’twastetimearguing.Wehittheparkinglot,andIhadthetruckstartedbeforeeitherofusclosedthedoors.Iflooreditoutofthelot,fishtailingontotheroad.
“Whotookher?”
“Idon’tknowforsure,”Isaid,grippingthewheeltighter.“ButifWaylay’smissingtoo,mymoney’sonTina.”
Lousworeunderhisbreath.
Myphonerang.ItwasNash.Ihitthespeakerbutton.
“YoufindWay?”Iasked.
“No.I’mbringingLizaJintotown.GotsomefootageofftheMorrison’sdoorbellcam.Dark,shittysedanpulledoutofLiza’saboutanhourago.Abig,blackSUVwasparkedontheshoulder,waitingforit.Headlightssetoffthemotionsensor.TimelinefitsforLizaseein’thebrakelights.Alsogotacallaboutahitandrun.SomeonesmashedthroughtheLoy’sfencealongtheroadoveratLuckyHorseshoe.”
LouandIglancedateachother.“We’reonourwaytherenow,trackingNaomi’sphone.”
“Don’tdoanythingstupid,”Nashordered.
LuckyHorseshoewasashortdrive,madeshorterbythefactthatIhit90milesperhour.
“Shouldberightuphere,”Lousaid,peeringatmyphone.
Iletoffthegas.ThenhitthebrakeshardwhenIsawthefence.“Shit.”
Tiremarksswervedofftheroadandsmashedrightthroughtherailfence.Iturnedthewheelsomylightscouldfollowthepathandputthetruckinpark
Mr.andMrs.Loywerestandinginthepasturesurveyingthedamage.Mrs.Loywashuddledupinanoversizeflanneljacketandsmokingasmallcigar.Mr.Loycamerightatus.
“Canyoubelievethis?Somesonofabitchsmashedthroughthefenceandthendrovebackoutagain!”
“Grabtheflashlightintheglovebox,”ItoldLou.
“Naomi!”Icalledthesecondmyfeethittheground.Thefrostygrasscrunchedundermyboots.
Therewasnoanswer.
Louflashedthelightintothepasture,andwefollowedthetracks.“Looksliketheystoppedherebeforedrivingbackout,”hesaid.
“Musthavebeenonedrunkidiot,”
Somethingcaughtmyeyeinthegrass,andIbenttopickitup.Itwasacellphonewithsparklydaisiesonthecase.
Achillstoppedmyheartandhadmefightingforbreath.
“Isthathers?”Louasked.
“Yeah.”
“Goddammit.”
“What’sthat?Isthatevidence?”Mr.Loydemanded.
***
IdrovebacktoHonkyTonkinafog.Louwastalking,butIwasn’tlistening.IwastoobusyreplayingmylastconversationwithNaomi.Ihadn’twantedtoloseher,soI’dpushedherawayandlostheranyway.
Shewasright.Thiswasworse.Somuchfuckingworse.
Someonehadcoordinatedthis.Someonehadconspiredtotakethembothawayfromme.AndIwasgoingtomakethemfuckingpay.
Ipulleduptothefrontdoorofthebar,andhalfthedamntownpouredout
“Whereisshe?”
“Youfindher?”
“Doeshelooklikehefoundher,Elmer,youidiot?”
“Helooksprettypissedoff.”
Ignoringthecrowdandthequestions,IpushedinsideandfoundhalftheKnockemoutPDsurroundedbytheotherhalfoftown.Thespecialsboardhadbeenerasedreplacedwithahand-drawnmapofKnockemoutcutintoquadrants.
Fi,Max,andSilverchargedme,andNashlookedup.
“Youdidn’tfindthem,”Fisaid.
Ishookmyhead.
Ashrillwhistlecutthroughthenoise,andeveryoneshutup.
“Thanks,Luce,”NashsaidtoLucian,whoimmediatelyreturnedtowhateverphonecallhewasmaking.“AsIwassaying,we’vegotanAPBoutonNaomiWitt,WaylayWitt,agraysedan,andablack,newermodelChevyTahoe.We’restartingthesearchintownandexpandingoutward.”
Amanda,draggingLizaJwithher,hurriedovertoLou,whopulledherintohisside.“We’llfind’em,”hepromised.Thenhewrappedhisfreearmaroundmygrandmother.
Icouldn’tbreathe.Couldn’tswallow.Couldn’tmovefromthespot.IthoughtI’dbeenafraidbefore.Afraidofturningintomyfather.Ofcrumblingafteraloss.Butthisfearwasworse.Ihadn’ttoldherIfuckinglovedher.Ihadn’ttoldeitheroneofthem.Andsomeonehadtakenthemfromme.Ihadn’tcrumbled.Itwasworse.Ihadn’thadthegoddamngutstolovesomeoneenoughtocrumble.
IshovedmyhandsthroughmyhairandkeptthemthereastherealityofwhatI’dwalkedawayfromsetin.
Ifeltahandclampdownonmyshoulder.“Keepittogether,”Luciansaid.“We’llfindthem.”
“How?Howthefuckwillwefindthem?Weknowjackshit.”
“We’vegotaplatenumberona2002grayFordTaurusthatwasreportedstolenfromLawlervilleanhourago,”Luciansaid.
“Wedon’thaveplatenumbersyet,”Nashsaid,pausingtoglancedownathisphone.“Scratchthat.2002grayFordTauruswithaprimergraytrunklid.”Hereadoffalicenseplatenumber.
“Lawlervilleishalfanhourfromhere,”Isaid,runningthecalculationsinmyhead.ItwastheedgeofasuburbofD.C.
“You’dhavetobeprettystupidtostealacarandthendriveitbacktothesceneofthecrime,”Lucianpointedout.
“IfTinaisinvolvedwiththis,stupidisafactor.”
Thefrontdooropened,andSloaneandLinarushedin.Sloanelookedbreathlessandscared.Linalookedscary.
“WhatcanIdo?”Sloaneasked.
“Whoseassdoyouwantmetokick?”Linademanded.
Ineededtomove.Ineededtogetoutofhereandfindmygirls,ripaparteverysinglepersonwhoplayedaroleintakingthem,andthenspendtherestofmylifebeggingforNaomi’sforgiveness.
“Giveusamoment,ladies,”Luciansaidandsteeredmebackoutside.“There’smore.”
“Whatmore?”
“Ihaveaname.”
Igrabbedhimbythelapelsofhiswoolcoat.“Givemethename,”Igrowled.
Lucian’shandsclosedovermine.“It’snotgoingtohelplikeyouthinkitwill.”
“StarttalkingbeforeIstartpunching.”
“DuncanHugo.”
Ireleasedhim.“HugoasintheHugocrimefamily?”
AnthonyHugowasacrimelordwhooperatedoutofbothD.C.andBaltimore.Drugs.Prostitution.Weapons.Enforcement.Politicalblackmail.Younameit,ithadhisfilthyfingerprintsonit.
“Duncanistheson.Andabitofafuck-up.ItwashischopshopwherethecarusedinNash’sshootingwasfound.Ididn’tthinkitwasacoincidence,butIwantedmoreinformationtocorroboratebeforeIbroughtittoyouandNash.”
“Howlonghaveyouknown?”Idemanded,myhandsballingintofists.
“Notlongenoughforyoutowastetimeandenergyonmetonight.”
“Goddammit,Luce.”
“Rumorhasithehadanastyandrecentsplitfromhisfather.SeemsDuncanwantstostrikeoutonhisown.Rumorsalsomentionawomanhe’sbeenworkingwithaswellasfuckingforthepastfewmonths.”
Itclickedintoplaceasneatlyasthelastpieceofapuzzle.TinaFuckingWitt.
“Whereishe?”
Luciantuckedhishandsintohispockets,hisexpressiongivingnothingaway.“That’stheproblem.Sincehehadhisfallingoutwithhisfather,nooneseemstoknowhiswhereabouts.”
“Orthey’renottellingyou.”
“Soonerorlater,everyonetellsmeeverything,”hesaid.
Ididn’thavetimetoworryabouthowdarkthatsounded.“YoutellNashanyofthis?”Iasked,diggingmykeysoutofmypocket.
“Justtheplatenumber.Couldbeacoincidence.”
“It’snot.”
Thedooropenedbehindme,andSloanesteppedout.
“Areyougoingtolookforthem?”sheasked.
InoddedthenturnedtoLucian.“I’llstartinLawlersvilleandworkmywaytowardD.C.”
“Holdon,”hesaid.
“I’mcomingwithyou,”Sloaneannounced.
Luciansteppedinfrontofher.“You’restayinghere.”
“She’smyfriend,andWaylayispracticallyasecondniece.”
“You’restayinghere.”
Ididn’thavetimetolistentoLucianusehisscaryassintimidationvoice.
“Ithinkyou’remakingtheincrediblyignorantassumptionthatyouhaveanysayoverwhatIdoordon’tdo.”
“IfIfindoutyouleavetownlimitstonight,Iwillseethatyourbelovedlibrarynevergetsanotherdimeoffunding.ThenI’llbuyeverypieceoflandaroundyourhouseandbuildapartmentcomplexessotallyouneverseethesunagain.”
“Yourichsonofa…”
Ileftthemtoit.Iopenedthedoortomytruckandclimbedbehindthewheel.Asecondlater,thepassengerdooropened,andLuciangotin.“Wherearewegoing?”
“I’mstartingatthetop.I’mgoingtobeatthehelloutofAnthonyHugountilhetellsuswherehisassholesonis.ThenI’mgoingtofindhimandbeatthehelloutofhimuntilIbreakeveryboneinhisface.ThenI’mgoingtomarryNaomiWitt.”
“Thisshouldbefun,”mybestfriendsaid,pullingouthisphone.
“YoucangiveNashaheads-uponthewayandthentapthatcreepysourcenetworkofyourstofindmeAnthonyHugo.”
WeweretenminutesoutoftownwithtwocrediblelocationsforthebiggestcrimelordinWashingtonD.C.Oneofthesourcesevencoughedupthegatecodefortheproperty.LucianRollinswasascarymotherfucker.
Hisphonerangagain.
“ThisisLucian.”Helistenedforafewsecondsthenhandedmethephone.“Foryou.”
Itwasprobablymybrotherbitchingmeoutfortakingthelawintomyownhands.“What?”Isaid.
“Knox.Grimhere.”
Grimwasthehigh-stakespoker-playing,mostlyalmost-legalmotorcycleclubpresident.
“Thisisnotagoodtimetoplananotherpokergame,man.”
“Notpoker-related.Clubbusiness.GotsomeinfoIthoughtyoumightbeinterestedin.”
“Unlessit’sthewhereaboutsofAnthonyorDuncanHugo,I’mnotinterested.”
“Thenyou’reabouttoberealinterested.ThatprettylittlewaitressofyoursjustmarchedherfineassrightonintoDuncanHugo’snewchopshop.”
Myheartwashammeringawayagainstmyribcage.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
“Myguyshavebeensittingonthebuildingforreasons.”
“I’mnotthecops,”Iremindedhim.
“Let’sjustsaysomelocalbusinessesaren’trealhappyaboutthecompetition.”
Translation:Grim’sclubwasplanningtohitthechopshop.
“Beenkeepingtabsonallthecomingsandgoings.Justgotphotoconfirmation.She’satwin,right?”
“Yeah,why?”
“Irememberhertalkingabouthertwinsisteratthelastgame.Lookslikeshewasn’tbullshittingaboutthetwin.BitchhadNaomihandcuffedtothedashboard.”
Idroppedmyfootontheaccelerator.“Address,”Idemanded.FORTY-EIGHTTHEOL’SWITCHEROO
Naomi
“Five…four…three…two…”
“Wait!WhatmakesyouthinkWaylayknowswherewhateverthehellyou’relookingforis?”Iasked,desperatetokeepDuncandistractedfromhisdeadlycountdown.“She’sjustachild.”
“Mmmphmmm,”Waylaygrumbled,clearlyoffended.
Tinadidn’tsayanything.HereyesweregluedtoDuncan,andIwassurprisedhehadn’tcaughtfirefromtheflamesshootingoutofthem.Themanhadnoideathefusehe’djustlit.Ionlyhopedmysister’simpendingexplosionwouldn’tgetusallkilled.
“Simpleaddition.Tinatooktheflashdrive,anditdisappeared.Onlyoneotherpersoninthathouse.Thelittlebratwholikestechnologyandstealin’stuff.”
“Tinatoldyouitdisappeared?”
“No,SantyClausdid,”Duncansaid,rollinghiseyes.
“DiditeveroccurtoyouthatTinaishidingtheflashdrive?Maybeshetookittocutyououtofthedeal.”
BothTinaandDuncanwerenowlookingatme.Ididn’tknowifI’dmadethingsbetterorworse,butatleastthegunwaspointingatthefloor.IdroppedtomykneesandattackedtheknotonWaylay’swrist.
“Don’tlistentoher,”Tinasaidseemingtocomebacktolife.“She’sjustdoingwhatsheusedtodowithourparents.Tryingtomanipulateyou.”
“Ihatethatshit,”hesaid,raisingthegunonceagain.“NowwherewasI?Five?”
“Nine?”Isuggestedweakly.
“Youhavetogotothebathroom,”Tinaannouncedtome.
“What?”
Shegavemeahardlook.“Youhavetogotothebathroom,”shesaidagainbeforeturningbacktoDuncan.“Shegotherperiod.Youdon’twanttoshootherandgetperiodallovertheplace,doyou,Dunc?”
“Gross.Don’ttellmethatwomanshit,”hecomplained,lookinglikehewasabouttovomit.
“I’lltakehertothebathroom,andwe’llgetthekidtotalkaboutwhereshestashedthedrive,”shesaidwithapointedlookinWaylay’sdirection.“ThenI’llrunoutandgetyousomeofthatfriedchickenthatyoulike.”
Tinawasdefinitelyuptosomething.Shehadthatcraftylookonherface.AndIdefinitelyhadn’tgottenmyperiod.TheHonkyTonkCodeRedwastwoweeksout.
“That’smorelikeit,”Duncansaid,satisfiedthathiswomanwasbackinline.“Wasn’treallygonnashootyou,T.”
“Iknowyou’reunderalotofstress,baby,”TinasaidasshedraggedmeacrosstheroomtowardadoormarkedRESOOM.“Takeabreak.Drinkabeer.We’llberightback,”shecalledoverhershoulder.
Sheshovedmethroughthedoorintoabathroomthatneededtobehoseddownwithatruckloadofbleach.
“Takeyourclothesoff,”shesaidwhenthedoorswungshut.
“What?Tina,wecan’tleaveWaylayalonewithhim.He’sinsane.”
“I’mgettin’that.Nowtakeoffyourgoddamnclothes,”shesaid,droppingherpants.
“You’velostyourmind.Thisisn’tjustanotherbaddecisionwithhorribleconsequences.You’vegoneoffthedeepend,haven’tyou?”
“Forfuck’ssake.I’mnottryingtohaveincestualrelationswithyou.Thisain’taporno.We’retradingplaces.He’snotgonnaletyouwalkoutofhereandgethelp.Buthe’llletmeleave.”Shestrippedhershirtoffoverherheadandthrewitinmydirection.Ithitmeintheface.
“Thenleaveandcallthepolice,”Ihissed.
“I’mnotleavin’Waywiththatstupidmotherfucker.”
“Youalreadyabandonedheronce!”
“Ileftherwithyou,smarty-pants.Knewyou’dtakecareofheruntilIgotmyscore.”
IknewIshouldn’treallytakethatasacompliment,butitwasaboutascloseasTinagottogivingthem.
“He’sfondlingthatBerettalikeit’shisdickandhe’sgotaloadedPPKunderthepizzabox,”shecontinued.“Youknowhowtoworkone?Areyouwillingtoshootamaninthefuckingballsandriskprison?”
“Noandyes.IfitgetsWaylayoutofherealive.”
“Well,I’myesandyes.Prettydamngoodshottoo.Sogimmieyourdamnskirt.Andyougocallthecops.”
“Can’tyoujustsendKnoxorNashatextandtellthemwhereweare?”
“Phone’sinthecar,”shesaid,draggingmyskirtupherhips.“Dunc’sparanoidaboutbeingtrackedbythegovernment.Won’tletacellphonenearhimhere.”
Ipulledhershirtovermyhead.“Fine.Okay.Sowhat’stheplanthen?”
“Wegooutthere.I’myoubutIgiveWaylaythecode.”
“What’sthecode?”
“Isay‘Ireadthisarticleonthedevastationoftherainforest,’andsheknowsit’scodeforgetreadytorun.”
IsupposeditwasTina’sversionofhavingafamilyfiredrill.“Okay.Thenwhat?”
“She’llmakeupthelocationofwherevershehidthething.Dunc’llsendhisguystogetit.You’llleavetogetcelebratorychicken,butreallyyou’llgodowntothecarandcall911.”
Thisdidn’tsoundlikeagreatplan.AndItrustedmysisteraboutasfarasIcouldspit,whichwasnotfaratall.ButIdidn’thaveanyotheroptions.“Whatwillyoudo?”Istalled.“EvenifyougetpastDuncan,therearemenwithgunsoutside.”
“I’lldowhateverittakestogetWaylayoutofhere.”
Izippedherjeansandthensteppedintoherboots.
Welookedateachother.
“Yourboobsareexplodingoutofmyshirt,”Iobserved.
Shereachedfortherolloftoiletpaper.“Stuff.”
“Seriously?”Isqueaked.
“Aslongasyouandmehavebigtits,hewon’tnoticethedifference.He’ssevenbeersintohisnight.”
“Youhavegottogetbettertasteinmen,”IcomplainedasIshovedwadsoftoiletpaperintomybra.
Sheshrugged.“He’snotsobadwhenhe’snotdrunk.”
“Yo!Ladies!Getyourassesouthere.I’mreadytoshootsomeone.”
“Hesoundslikeadreamboat,”Igrumbled.
“Trynottowalklikeyougotastickupyourass,”Tinahissed,shovingmetowardthedoor.
“Trytotalklikeyoudidn’thavetocheatyourwaythroughtheeighthgrade.”
WereturnedtoBachelorCentral,andIwasrelievedtoseethatWaylaywasstillaliveandlookingmutinous.Waylonwassittingnexttoherchairlikeaguard.Histailthumpedwhenhesawme,andIworriedthatDuncanwouldnotice
Fortunately,hewastooengrossedinavideogamethatapparentlyinvolvedshootingscantilydressedwomen.
“Ha!Suckmybarrel,bitch!”
TinaclearedherthroatandlookedatWaylay.“Ireadthisarticleonthedevastationoftherainforest.”
Waylay’seyeswidenedabovetheducttape.Inoddedather,andthenathermother.Sheblinkedtwice.Tinaelbowedme.
“Ouch.Imean,quitblabberingaboutreadingshitandgositdownoverthere…bymykid,”Isaid,tossingmyhairovermyshoulderandgesturinginWaylay’sdirection.
“Waylay,honeysweetiepie,areyouokay?I’msosorrythisisallhappening.It’sallmyfaultprobablybecauseI’msosnobbyandactlikeI’mbetterthaneveryone,”Tinasaid,floppingdownonthetornottomannexttoherdaughter.Herkneesspreadwide,andIcouldseestraightupmy—er,her—skirt
Waylayrolledhereyes.
Behindme,IheardDuncangettohisfeet.Iwasstartledbyastingingslaponmybutt.“Thatassislookin’mightyfineinthosejeanstonight,Teen,”hesaidbeforeshotgunningtherestofhisbeer.Hethrewthecanoverhisshoulderandbelched.
“Ihavethebesttasteinmen,”Isaid,glaringatTina
“Heh.Yoursisterhasthesamethongasyou,”Duncansaid,pointingatTina’sexposedcrotch.“Youguysreallyaretwins.”
Themanwasanidiot.Unfortunately,hewasanidiotwithagun.AndIhadnobetteroptionsthanTina’splan.
“Ti—Imean,NaomiandIweretalking,”Ibegan.
“Shedidn’tgetperiodallovertheplaceinthere,didshe?”
Igrittedmyteeth.“No.It’sjusttheusualbodilyfluidsalloverthefloorandwalls.”
Tinaclearedherthroatpointedly.PoorWaylonwaslookingbackandforthbetweenherandmelikehewastryingtopuzzleoutwhatwasgoingon.
“Anyway,yourauntwholovesyouverymuchandItalked,Waylay.Weagreedthatit’ssafeforyoutotellDuncanwhereyouhidtheflashdrive,”Isaid.
“Yeah.Youcantellme,kid.I’mtrustworthyasshit,”Duncansaid,apparentlyforgettingthathe’djustthreatenedthelivesofhermotherandauntonlyminutesago.
“Justtellhimwhereyouabscondedit,andhe’llsendhismentogogetit,”Tinasaid,enunciatingslowly.
Thatwasdefinitelynottherightuseofthewordabsconded.
Duncannudgedmewithhiselbow.“Gotakethetapeoffhermouth.”
IapproachedWaylayandleanedin.“It’sme,Naomi,”Iwhispered.
Shecrossedhereyesasiftosay“Duh.”Waylonstoodupandlickedmyshin.
“Oh,nowhelikesyou,”Duncansaid.“Dogsareasfickleasbitches.Anhourago,hecouldn’tstopgrowlin’atyou,nowhewantstohumpyourleg.”
Ipeeledbackthecornerofthetape
“Sorry,kiddo,”Iwhisperedandyankedthetapefree.
“Sonofagoddamnbitch,ow!”Waylayyelled.
IsuddenlymissedKnoxfromthedepthsofmysoul.
“Tellmewherethedriveis,kid,”Duncansaid.Thegunappearedinmyperipheralvisionasheadvancedonus.
Waylaytookwhatlookedlikeaheroicbreath.“IhiditatthelibraryinKnockemout.Itapeditunderashelfinthehistoricalfictionsection.”
Smart,smartgirl.IfDuncansenthismentobreakintothelibrary,they’dessentiallybebreakingintoapolicestation.
“Thankyoufortellingus.I’mveryproudofyouforyourhonestyandintegrity,”TinasaidinwhatIassumedwasherimpressionofme.ShesoundedBritish.
“You’llprobablywanttogogetthatnowwhilethelibrary’sclosed,”IsaidtoDuncan.
“Yeahmaybe,”hesaid,buthiseyeswereonTina,andhelookedthoughtful.
“IguessI’llgogetthatchicken,”Isaid,edgingtowardthedoor.
“Notsofast.”
Ifeltcoldmetalatthebaseofmyneckandfroze.Tina’splanofficiallysucked.
Waylongrowledlow.Andthat,too,madememissKnox.Evenifthemandidn’tloveme,Iknewhewouldn’thesitatetoturnDuncan’sfaceintoanabstractpainting.
“Mywholelife,everyone’sunderestimatedme,”Duncansaidconversationally.“Calledmeanidiot.SaidIwasstupidanddumb.SoIwentwithit.Playedthemoron.Peopledon’twatchwhatthey’resayingaroundamoron.Andtheydon’ttryashardtohidewhatthey’redoing,Naomi.”
Crap.
“Youtwoarethemoronshere.YouactuallythinkI’dfallfortheol’switcheroo?”hescoffed.
“Howdidyouknow?”Iasked,stallingfortime.
“Yourtitsaren’tcrooked.”
“YoumeanTina’saren’t.”
“No,dumbass.Tina’sarecrooked.Yoursaren’t.Who’stheidiotnow?”Hesaidthiswhilegesturingwiththegun.
Sinceitwasn’ttrainedonme,Iturnedtofacehim.
TinawasfranticallytryingtoworkWaylay’sbondsfree.
Knee.Balls.Nose.
Knox’sinstructionscamebacktomealmostasifhewerestandingnexttome.
“Ilikedyou,Tina.ReallyfuckinglikedyouandnowIhaftakillyou.Howdoyouthinkthatmakesmefeel?”Heraisedhisgun,andIknewsomewheredeepinsidethatthistimeheintendedtouseit.
Tinawaslookingatmehard.Andforonceinmylife,Icouldreadhermind
“Hey,Duncan?”Isaid.
Thesecondhiseyeswereonme,everythingmovedinslowmotion.TinagaveWaylay’schairashoveoutofthelineoffireanddoveintheoppositedirection,reachingforthepizzabox.
“This!”Igrabbedhisshouldersandrammedmykneeupintohiscrotch.Thegunwentoffashedoubledover.
Myearsrang.ButIcouldstillhearKnoxinmyhead.
Nose.
Clingingtohisshoulders,Ibroughtmykneeupagain,andthistimeconnectedwithhisface.
Icouldn’theariftherewasacrunch,butjudgingbythewaythemancrumpledtotheground,I’ddoneitcorrectly.
Overtheringinginmyears,IthoughtIheardmoreshots.Buttheysoundedliketheywerefartheraway.Asirentoo.
IleftDuncanwherehelayandsprintedtoWaylay.Spinningherchairaround,Iwasbeyondrelievedtoseeshewasunharmed.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked,asmyshakingfingersstartedtountieher.
“Thatwasawesome,AuntNaomi!”shesaid.
“Youstupidpieceofshit!”TinahadthepizzaguntrainedonDuncanashegottohishandsandknees.“Youweregonnashootmydaughter,mysister,andme?”
“Mom,thecopsarehere,”WaylaycalledasIfinallyfreedherwrists.
TinagaveDuncanakicktohismid-section.“You’reluckyIdon’thavetimetoshootyou.”Thensheturnedawayfromhim.“Here,”shesaid,handingmethegun.
Ihelditatarm’slengthandprayeditwouldn’tgooff.
“You’renotseriouslyrunning,areyou?”Iasked.
Itwasanadmittedlystupidquestion
Ofcoursemysisterwasrunning.It’swhatshedidaftermakingamess.
Tinagrabbedagrungyblackduffelbagoffthefloorandshovedseveralstacksofcashintoit.Thenshedumpedtherestofthepizzaontop,leavingthepiecewiththebullethole.
“I’mallergictocops,”shesaid,hitchingthestrapoverhershoulder,andlookedatherdaughter.“Seeyaaround,kid.”
“Bye,Mom,”Waylaysaid,wavingwithherfreedhand.
Behindme,Duncangroanedonthefloor.Waylongrowled.
“Beenfun.Thanksfortheskirt,Goody.Takecareofmykid,”shesaidwithalittlesaluteandthenshedisappearedoutthewindowontothefireescape.
TheropefinallyloosenedandIthrewittothefloor.
“She’llbeback,”Waylaypredicted,standingupandshakingoutherhands.
Ididn’tdoubtit.
“Comeon.Let’sgetoutofhere,”Isaid,puttingthegundownanduntyingWaylon’sleashfromthelegofthedesk.Itwasn’tjustmyhandsthatwereshaking.Nowitwasmyentirebody.Iwasn’tgoingtofeelsafeuntilwewerehomeatLiza’s.Maybenoteventhen
Theimageofthegunpointingatmyniecewaspermanentlyengravedinmybrain.IdoubtedI’deversleepagain.
“AuntNaomi!”
ThepanicinWaylay’svoicehadmespinningaround.Instinctively,IputmyselfbetweenheranddangerandrightintoDuncan’sbruisinggrip.
Hishandclosedaroundmyneck,cuttingoffmybreath.
Bloodpouredfromhisnose.Forthebriefestmoment,IfeltaflickerofsatisfactionthatI’ddonethat.I’dstooduptohim.Butthemomentwasfleetingasblacknesscreptinalongtheedgesofmyvision.
“Youruinedeverything!”hehowled
Timefrozeandsolidifiedintoapictureoftheendashebroughttheguntomyhead.
Thiscouldn’tbehowitended.NotwithWaylaywatching.Notwithhelpinthebuilding.
NotwithoutKnox.
IfeltWaylay’sarmscomearoundmefrombehind.Onelasthug.Icouldn’tmoveorspeak.Icouldn’ttellhertorun.Myworldwasgoingdark.
Thedoorburstopen,startlingmeandDuncan.Heturnedhisheadintimetoseeoneofhismenfallbackwardsintotheroom.Scratchthat.Hedidn’tfall.Themanwasthrownlikearagdoll.
Withthelastofmyenergy,IlandedakicktoDuncan’sshin.
“Waylayrun!”someoneordered.Thevoicesoundedsobeautifullyfamiliar,yetsofaraway.
Helpwasintheroom.
Waylaywouldbeokay.
Islippedintothedarkness.FORTY-NINETHECAVALRY
Knox
Ihithimlowandhard,drivinghisbodyintothefloor.SomepartofmewasawareofNaomicrumplingtotheground.
Ineededtogotoher.ButIcouldn’tstophittingthemanbeneathme.
Myfistplowedintohisfaceagainandagainuntilsomeonehookedmefrombehindandpulledmeback.
“Enough,”Luciansaid.
DuncanHugoceasedtoexisttome.
TherewasonlyNaomiandWaylay.Waylaykneltnexttoher,holdingherhandtoherchest.Thetearswellinginherblueeyesknifedintomygut.
“Wakeup,AuntNaomi,”shewhispered.
IclosedthedistanceandgrabbedWaylay,hugginghertome.
“Makeherwakeup,Knox,”shebegged.
Myidiotdogcrawledhiswaybetweenthemandstartedtohowl.
Lucianwasonhisphone,holdinghisfingerstoNaomi’sbruisedneck.“Weneedanambulance,”hesaidtersely.
StillclutchingWaylaytome,IleanedoverNaomiandcuppedthefaceofthewomanIloved.ThewomanI’dlost.ThewomanIcouldn’tlivewithout.
“Wakethefuckup,Daze,”Igrowled.Myeyesandthroatburned.Myvisionblurredashottearscloudedeverything.
Ialmostmissedit.Theflickerofthoselonglashes.ThenIwassureitwasahallucinationwhenthosebeautifulfuckinghazeleyesopened.
“Coffee,”shecroaked.
Christ,Ilovedthiswoman.
Waylaytensedagainstme,herarmnearlychokingmearoundtheneck.“Youdidn’tleaveme!”
“ThankfuckingGod,”Lucianwhispered,swipingthebackofhishandoverhisbrowandcollapsingbackonhiselbowsonthefloor.
“OfcourseIdidn’tleaveyou,”Naomirasped.Thebruisesonherthroatmademewanttoendthelifeofthemanwho’dputthemthere.ButIhadamoreimportantpriority.
“Welcomeback,Daze,”Iwhispered.Ileaneddownandpressedmymouthtohercheek,breathingherin.
“Knox,”shesighed.“Youcame.”
BeforeIcouldanswer,thesidedoorI’dusedtosneakinwhileLuciancreatedthedistractionburstopen.Isawthegunandthegleamintheman’seyesandknewwhatwasabouttohappen.Operatingoninstinct,IpulledWaylaytomyfrontandusedmybodytopinherandNaomitotheground.
Twoshotsrangoutinrapidsuccession,butIfeltnothing.Nopain.Justmygirls,warmandalivebeneathme.
Ichancedaglanceupandsawthegunmanonthefloor.
“Youfuckingidiots,”Nashsaid,leaningagainstthewall.Hehadacutonhisface,bloodonhist-shirt,andwassweatingprofusely.
“Youdidthatright-handed?”Lucianasked,impressed.
Mybrotherflickedhimoffashesliddownthewall.“ItoldyouidiotsI’mfuckinggoodatmyjob.”
“Arewealive?”Waylayaskedunderme.
“We’realive,honey,”Naomiassuredher.
Carefully,Ieasedmyweightoffthem.Theybothstaredupatmewithidenticalgrins.IpointedatWaylay.“You’regettin’adamnbirthdayparty.Andafterthat,we’regettin’married,”ItoldNaomi.
Naomi’seyeswentwide,andshereachedforme,handsfranticallyproddingmytorso.
“What’swrong,baby?”
“Areyoushot?Didyouhityourhead?”
“No,Daze.I’mfine.”
“DidIhitmyhead?”
“No,baby.”
“Imusthave.IthoughtIheardyoujustsayweweregettingmarried.”
“YouthinkI’mdumbenoughtoletyoutwogo?”
“Uh,yeah,”Waylay,Lucian,andNashsaidtogether.
“CanIhaveadressforthepartyandadressforthewedding?”Waylayasked
“Youcanhavetendresses,”Ipromisedher.
“You’regoingtospoilher,”Naomisaid,runningherhandoverWaylay’shair.
“FuckingrightIam.I’mgonnaspoilyoutoo.”
HersmileputpiecesbacktogetherinsidemethatIhadn’tevennoticedwerebroken.
“Where’sDuncan?”Waylayasked.
Luciangottohisfeetandscannedthespace.“He’sgone.”
“You’vegottobefuckingkiddingme,”Nashmuttered.“Thisiswhyamateursshouldn’tgetinvolvedinpolicebusiness.”
“Ican’twaittillI’magrown-upandIcanswearallthetime,”Waylayannounced.
Weallheardfootstepsonthestairsatthesametime.Nashshiftedtopointhisgunatthedoor.Ipulledminefromthewaistbandofmyjeansandaimed.
LinaandSloaneburstintotheroomtogether.
“Christ,Icouldhaveshotyou,”Nashcomplained,loweringhisgun.“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?How’dyoufindus?”
Sloanelookedalittlegreenaroundthegills.“WefollowedNash.”
“Youleftatrailofbodiesfromtheparkinglot.Didn’tleaveanyfunfortherestofus,”Linasaid,kneelingnexttomybrother.Gently,shepushedthesleeveofhisshirtup.“Poppedyourstitches,hotshot.”
“Canbarelyfeelit,”Nashliedthroughhisteeth.
SloanespottedNaomiandstartedtowardus.ButLucianwasalreadyinmotioncrossingtheroomlikeagodabouttocrushamortal.
Theymetinthemiddleoftheroom,stoppinginchesapart.
“Itoldyoutostayintown,”hesnarled.
“Getoutofmyway,youbig…”Hervoicetrailedoff,andIsawshewasstaringatthebodyNashhaddropped.Herfacewentwhite.
“Sloane.”Whenthelibrariandidn’tlookathim,Luciangraspedherchinandfirmlyturnedittowardhim.
“Knee.Balls.Nose,”Naomiwhisperedtome.
“That’smygirl.”Igaveherasqueeze.
“Naomi,youokay?”Linacalledfromwhereshewastendingmybrother.
“I’mprettygreat,”Naomisaid,lookingupatmewiththekindofsmilethatcouldlightupaman’slife.
“Ifuckingloveyou,”Iwhisperedtoher.Sheopenedhermouth,butIshookmyhead.“Nope.Youdon’tgettosayitbackyet.FigureIhaveatleastaweekoftellingyoubeforeI’lldeservetohearitback.Gotit?”
Hersmilegotimpossiblybrighter,andhereyesfilledwithtears.
“Sorry,”shesniffled,bringingherhandstoherface.“Iknowyoudon’tliketears.”
“ThinkI’mokaywiththese,”Itoldherandloweredmymouthtohers.
“Barf,”Waylaycomplained.
Naomishookwithlaughteragainstme.Blindly,IreachedoverandfoundWaylay’sfacewithmyhandandgavethegirlagentleshove.Shetippedover,laughing.
Therewasanotherflurryofactivityonthestairs,andthenthedoorwayfilledwithcops.“Dropyourweapons!”
“Aboutdamntime,”Nashmuttered,droppinghisGlockandholdinguphisbadge.
***
IsatonthebackoftheambulanceinthemiddleofthenightnexttoNaomiwhileadetectiveaskedusyetanotherroundofquestions.Icouldn’tstandtobemorethanafootortwoawayfromher.I’dalmostlostherandWaylay.
IfGrimhadn’tcomethrough…IfI’dbeenoneminutelater…IfNashhadn’tbeenthataccuratewithhisrighthand…
Allofthoseifs,andyetIwasstillhere,holdingonfordearlifetothebestthingthateverhappenedtome.
“Whatthehellisthis?Aparade?”askedoneoftheuniformedofficers.Amotorcyclerolledin.Followedbyanotherandanother.Adozentotal.Theywerefollowedbyfourvehicles.
Enginescut.Doorsopened.AndKnockemoutshowedthefuckup.
IblinkedafewtimeswhenIsawWraithhelpingmygrandmotheroffthebackofhisbike.LouandAmandaclimbedoutoftheirSUVandstartedrunning.Jeremiah,Stasia,andStefwererightbehindthem.SilverandMaxjumpedoutofFi’sminivanalongwithMilfordandfourofHonkyTonk’sregulars.
JusticeandTallulahgotofftheirrespectivebikesandhurriedforward.
“Canwewrapthisup?”Iaskedthedetective.
“Justonemorequestion,Ms.Witt,”shesaid.“ApatrolcarpickedupawomanclaimingtobeNaomiWitt.CaughthertryingtostealaMustangtwoblocksfromhere.Doyouhaveanyideawhoshemightbe?”
“You’vegottobekiddingme,”Naomigroaned.
IspottedNashandLucianleavingahuddleofofficers.Mybrothernoddedformetojointhem.
IgesturedforLoutotakemyplace.“I’llberightback,Daze,”Itoldher.
Naomismiledupatmeasherdadhustledover,Amandaonhisheels.Shepausedlongenoughtogivemealoudkissonthecheekandahardsmackontheass.
“Thankyouforsavingmygirls,”shewhisperedtomebeforeturningherattentiontoherdaughter.“Webroughtyoucoffee,sweetheart!”
“Youaboutdonefuckingthingsup?”Stefaskedme.
“Ijusttoldourgirlthatwe’regettingmarried.Soyeah.I’maboutdone.”
“Good.ThenIdon’thavetodestroyyourlife,”hesaid.“Ileaveyoualoneforlessthantwoweeks,andlookwhathappens,Witty.”
“OhmyGod,Stef!Whendidyougethome?”
IfeltahandinmineasIcrossedtheasphaltandlookeddown.Waylayhadlinkedherfingersthroughmine.ShehadWaylon’sleashinherotherhand.Mydoglookedlikehejustwantedtolaydownandsleepforamonth.
“Didyoumeanitaboutthedresses?”sheaskedaswewalkedtowardmybrother.
Ireleasedherhandandpulledherintomysidewithanarmaroundhershoulders.“Suredid,kid.”
“DidyoumeanitaboutwhatyousaidtoAuntNaomi?Aboutlovingherandstuff?”
Istoppedusandturnedhertofaceme.“I’veneverbeenmoreseriousaboutanythinginmylife,”Iassuredher
“Soyou’renotgoingtoleaveusagain?”
Igavehershouldersasqueeze.“Never.Iwasmiserablewithoutyoutwo.”
“Metoo?”sheasked.
Isawthesparkofhopethatshejustasquicklypushedaside.
“Way,you’resmart.You’rebrave.You’regorgeous.AndI’mgonnahateitwhenyoustartdating.Ifuckingloveyou.Andnotjustbecauseyou’repartofapackagedeal.”
Shelookedsosolemnitalmostcrushedmyheart.
“WillyoustillmaybelovemeifItellyousomething?Somethingbad?”
IfDuncanHugoputhishandsonWaylay,Iwasgoingtohunthimdown,chopthemoff,andfeedthemtohim.
“Kid,thereisnothingyoucantellmethat’sgoingtomakemenotloveyou.”
“Promise?”
“Isweartoyouonyourkick-asssneakers.”
Shelookeddownatthem,thenbackatme,thecornerofhermouthturnedup.“MaybeIkindoffuckingloveyoutoo.”
Ihauledherinforahug,holdingherfaceagainstmysternum.Whenshewrappedherarmsaroundmywaist,Ifeltlikemyheartwassuddenlytoobigformyfuckingchest.
“Butdon’ttellAuntNaomiIsaiditthatway.”
“Deal.”
Shepulledback.“Okay.Sohere’sthething…”
Twominuteslater,IescortedWaylayovertoNashandLucian.AnEMThadclosedNash’sstitches.Bothmenhadbutterflybandagesovervariousvisiblecutsandscrapes.Thethreeofusweregoingtobehurtingtomorrow.Andthenextday.Andprobablythenext.
“NaomisaidTinaandHugowerelookingforaflashdrivewithsomekindofinformationonit,”Nashexplained.“Nooneseemstoknowwhatinformationwasonitorwhathappenedtothedrive.”
“Waylay,whydon’tyougoseeifyourauntneedsanything,”Luciansuggested.
ItrackedthedirectionofhisgazeandsawitwaspinnedonSloane,whowashoveringnearNaomi,herparents,andStef.
“Actually,Wayhassomeinformationshewantstoshare,”Isaid.Igavehershoulderasqueeze.“Goahead,kid.”
Shetookabreathandthenbentdowntountiehershoe.
“Theywerelookingforthis,”shesaid,straighteningwiththeheartcharmnowinherhand.”
Nashtookitfromher.Heheldthecharmbetweenhisfingers,thenfrowned.Carefully,hepulleditapartatthemiddle.“Well,I’llbedamned.”
“It’saflashdrive,”Waylayexplained.“Momwasallworkedupaboutthisdrivethatshebroughthome.Keptsayingshewasfinallygettin’herpaydayandthatsoonshe’dbedrivingabig-assSUVandeatin’steakforeverymeal.IgotcuriousandIpeeked.Itwasjustalistofnamesandaddresses.Ithoughtmaybeitwasimportant.SoIcopiedthefileontomydrivejustincase.She’salwayslosingsh—Imeanthings.”
Inoddedathertogoon.
“Momgotmadatmeforsomethingstupidandcutmyhairaspunishment.SoIdecidedtopunishherback.Itookthedrivesoshe’dthinkshelostit,andthenIhiditinthelibrarybutnotinthehistoricalfictionsectionlikeItoldDuncan.It’sactuallytapedtothebottomofoneofthearchivedrawers.Ididn’tknowtheyweregoingtobreakintoAuntNaomi’sandkidnapusandstuff.Iswear,”shesaid.
Nashputhishandonhershoulder.“You’renotintroublehere,Waylay.Youdidtherightthingtellingmeaboutthis.”
“HesaidhewasgonnashootAuntNaomiifIdidn’ttellhimwhereitwas.Iwastryingtotellhim,buthetapedmymouthshut,”shesaid.
Igrowledatthisnewinformation.
“Noneofthisisyourfault,”Nashassuredheragain.
Butitwashermother’s,andIwasn’tsorrythatshewasincustody.Idid,however,decideitwasn’tagreattimetotellWaylayaboutit.
“There’sonemorething,”shesaid.
“What’sthat?”Nashasked.
“Yournamewasonthelist.”
LucianandIexchangedalook.
“Weneedtoseethelist,”Lucianannounced.
NashreachedoutandcoveredWaylay’sears.“Thefuckyoudo,assholes.Policebusiness.Comeon,Way.Let’sclearitwithyouraunt,andthenwecangetSloanetoletusinthelibrary.”
“Okay,”shesaid.“Knox?”
“Yeah,kid?”
Shecrookedherfingeratme,andIleaneddown.Itriednottosmilewhenshegotdonewhisperinginmyear.
“Gotit.I’llseeyouathome,”Isaid,givingherhairaruffle.
WewatchedNashguideherovertotheambulance.
“Weneedthatdamnlist,”Luciansaid.
Ifeltmylipscurve.
“What?”heasked.
“That’snottheonlycopy.Shealsouploadedittothelibrary’sserver.”
Hestoodstock-stillforabeat,thenletoutabarkoflaughter.Sloane’sgazeflewtohim,andIrealizedthatLucianrarelylaughed.Notlikeheusedto,whenwewerekidsandeverythingwasapunchlinewaitingtohappen.
“Youaregoingtohateyourlifewhenshestartsdating,”hesaid.
Icouldn’tfuckingwait.
WestartedbacktowardNaomi,whowasonherfeetunderablanketandholdingacoffee.DespiteeverythingI’dseentonight,despiteeverythingI’ddonewrong,thesmileshedirectedatmelitmeupfromtheinsideout.
IslappedLucianontheshoulder.“Hey.Howdoyoufeelaboutbeingco-bestman?”EPILOGUEPARTYTIME
Naomi
“Mmmph.Knox.Wehavetogetbacktotheparty,”Imurmuredagainsthismouth.
HehadmepinnedagainstthewallinLiza’sdenasthemostepictwelfthbirthdaypartyhappenedinthebackyard.Andthefrontyard.Andinthekitchen,diningroom,andsunroom.
Therewerekids,parents,andbikerseverywhere.
Themanwhowascurrentlykissingtheever-livingbreathoutofmehadsatdownwithWaylayandaskedherforalistofeverysinglethingshecouldpossiblywant.Andthenhe’ddeliveredoneachandeveryone.
Whichwaswhytherewasaninflatableobstaclecourseinthebackyard,apettingzoointhefrontyard,andnotavegetableinsightonthefoodtablethatwasbucklingundertheweightofpizza,nachos,popcorn,andtwobirthdaycakes.
Histongueteaseditswayintomymouthagain,andmykneeswentweak.Theerectionhehadpressedagainstmystomachwasdrivingmyladypartswild.
“Youhaveyourparents,Liza,Stef,andSloaneoutthereplayinghost.Givemefiveminutes,”hegrowledovermylips.
“Fiveminutes?”
Hewedgedahandbetweenourbodiesandsliditupmydress.Whenhisfingersfoundme,myhipsbuckedinvoluntarilyagainsthim.
“Mightonlyneedfourtogetyouthere,”hedecided.
Hecouldhavehadmethereinaboutfifteenseconds,butIwasfeelinggreedy.
“Deal,”Iwhispered.
Hedraggedmewithhimtolocktheglassdoors,thenguidedustothecredenzaagainstthewallandplacedmeonit.
“Whatarealltheseboxesinherefor?”Iasked,noticingastackoftheminthecorner.
“Don’tworryaboutit,”hesaid.
IdecidedtofollowhisadvicewhenheyankedmyunderweardownmylegsuntilIcouldstepoutofthem.
“Fiveminutes,”heremindedmeashehookedmyheelsontheedgeofthewoodandspreadmykneeswide.BeforeIcouldsaysomethingsmart,hewasfreeinghisthick,hardcockfromhisjeansandfeedingitintomybodyinchbygloriousinch.
Wemoanedtogetherashethrusthardtofillmecompletely.
“Ican’t.Believe.Youtalkedme.Intothis,”Isaid,myteethchatteringashebegantothrustmercilessly.
“You’realreadygrippingme,baby.”Hegrittedthewordsout.
Knoxhadbeeninsatiablesincethe“incident,”asI’ddubbedit.He’dbarelyletmeoutofhissight.AndIwasokaywithit.Especiallysincesomuchofthetimewespenttogetherwasnaked.Well,betweentalkingtothepolice.BoththeKnockemoutPDandtheotherdepartmentsinvolved.
ItturnedoutthattheinfamouslistincludedthenamesofseveralcopsandtheircriminalinformantsspreadoutacrossfivecountiesinNOVA.
Hugo’sfatherhadgottenhishandsontheinformationandintendedtoworkhiswaydownthelist,eliminatingallofthecopsandtheirinformants.Hugo,wantingtoimpresshisfather,haddecidedtotakeashotatoneofthosenamesonthelist:Nash.
Butafterthebotchedjobbroughthisfather’swrathdownonhim,Hugodecideditwasmorelucrativetostealtheinformationandsellittothehighestbidder.
Allofthisinformationcamefrommysister.TinahadsunglikeacanaryinanorangejumpsuitandwaslookingataprettylenientdealifherinformationbroughtdownanypartoftheHugocrimefamily.
WithTinabehindbars,thepathtowardguardianshipwasaboutasclearasitcouldbe.Itwouldstillbealongone,butatleastwe’dcleareditofthemajorobstacles.
AndwhileDuncanHugowasstillouttheresomewhere,policealloverthestatewerelookingforhim,andIhadafeelinghisfreedomwascomingtoanendsoon.
“Morekids,”Knoxrasped.
“What?”Iasked,pullingbackfromhismouth.
Hepistonedhishipsforwardandburiedhimselftothehilt.“Iwantmorekids.”
IfelttheclutchandpullofmymusclesaroundhimandknewIwasgoingtocomeanysecond.
“What?”Irepeateddumbly.
“Waywouldmakeagreatbigsister,”hesaid.Withawolfishgrin,hehookedhisfingersintheneckofmydressandyankeditandmybradown,exposingmybreasts.Hedippedhishead,hismouthhoveringaninchabovemystrainingnipple.“Youupforit?”
Hewantedkids.HewantedafamilywithmeandWaylay.Myheartwasclosetoexploding.Andsowasmyvagina.
“Y-Yes,”Imanaged.
“Good.”Helookedsmug,victorious,andsodamnsexyasheloweredhismouthtomybreast.
Ibowedbackandlethimplundermerightovertheedge.
Iwasstillinthemidstofanearth-shatteringorgasmwhenhestilledattheendofmeandheld.AgutturalgroanwrenchedfreeasIfeltthefirsthotpulseofhisreleasedeepinsideme.
“Loveyou,Naomi,”hemurmured,hislipsworshipingmybareskin.
“Il—”Buthewasclampingahandovermymouthevenashecontinuedtoglideinandoutofmelikehewastryingtosavoreverysecondofourcloseness.
“Notyet,baby.”
Ithadbeenaweeksincetheincident,sincehisfirst“Iloveyou,”andhestillwouldn’tletmesayitback.“Soon?”Iasked.
“Soon,”hepromised.
Iwastheluckiestwomanintheworld.
***
Knoxleftthedenfirst,claiminghehadsomethingheneededtoseeto.Iwasstilltryingtofixmyhairanddressandhopingitwasn’tarock-climbingwallorahotairballoonwhenIwalkedoutoftheroomandranrightintoLiza,whowasperchedonafloralupholsteredchairI’dunearthedinthebasementandmovedintothefoyer.
“Youscaredme!”
“I’vebeenthinking,”shesaidwithoutpreamble.“Thishouseistoobigforoneoldwoman.”
Myfingersgaveuponmyhair.“You’renotthinkingofselling,areyou?”Icouldn’timaginethishousewithouther.Icouldn’timagineherwithoutthishouse.
“Nah.Toomanymemories.Toomuchhistory.Thinkin’aboutmovingbackintothecottage.”
“Oh?”Ifeltmyeyebrowswingup.Ididn’tknowwhattosaytothat.I’dalwaysassumedthatWaylayandIwouldmovebackintothecottageatsomepoint.NowIwonderedifthiswasLiza’swayofevictingus.
“Thisplaceneedsafamilyinit.Abigmessyone.Bonfiresandbabies.Smartassedteenagers.Dogs.”
“Well,it’salreadygotdogs,”Ipointedout.
Shenoddedbriskly.“Yep.Soit’ssettledthen.”
“What’ssettled?”
“Itakethecottage.YouandKnoxandWaylaylivehere.”
Mymouthdroppedopenwhilemybrainbegantorunthroughadozennewfurnitureplacementideas.
“Um.I…Idon’tknowwhattosay,Liza.”
“Ain’tnothingtosay.AlreadytalkedtoKnoxaboutitthisweek.”
“Whatdidhesay?”
ShelookedatmeasifI’djustaskedhertogiveupredmeat.“Whatthehelldoyouthinkhesaid?”sheasked,soundingdisgruntled.“He’souttherethrowingyourgirlthebestdamnpartythistown’severseen,ain’the?He’salreadyplanningthewedding,ain’the?”
Inodded.Unabletospeak.FirstWaylay’sparty.Thenthediscussiononkids.Now,thehouseofmydreams.IfeltlikeKnoxhadaskedmetowritedownalistofeverythingI’dwantedandsetaboutmakingitallhappen.
Lizareachedoutandgavemyhandasqueeze.“Goodtalk.Immagoseeifwecancutintothosecakesyet.”
IwasstillstaringatthechairshevacatedwhenStefappearedinthehallway.
“Waylayneedsyou,Witty,”hesaid
Isnappedoutofmydaze.“Okay.Whereisshe?”
Hehookedhisthumbinthedirectionofthebackyard.“Outback.Youokay?”heaskedwithaknowinggrin.
Ishookmyhead.“Knoxjustsnuckmeawayforaquickie,toldmehewantstohavemorekidswithme,andthenLizagaveusthishouse.”
Stefletoutalowwhistle.“Soundslikeyoucoulduseadrink.”
“Orseven.”
Heescortedmethroughthediningroom,wheretherejusthappenedtobetwoflutesofchampagnewaiting.Hehandedonetome,andweexitedthroughthesun-roomdoorsontothedeck.
“SURPRISE!”
ItookastepbackandclutchedahandtomyheartasalargeportionofthecitizensofKnockemoutcheeredfromtheyardbelow.
“It’snotasurpriseparty,youguys,”Itoldthem.
Therewasarippleoflaughter,andIwonderedwhytheywerealllookingsohappy,liketheywereanticipatingsomething.
MyparentsstoodofftothesideofthedeckwithLizaandWaylay,allgrinningatme.
“What’sgoingon?”IturnedtoStef,buthewasbackingawayandblowingmekisses.
“Naomi.”
IturnedandfoundKnoxstandingbehindme,hisfacesoseriousmystomachdropped.
“What’swrong?”Iasked,twistingaroundandlookingtoseeifsomeonewashurtormissing.Butallourpeoplewerehere.Everyonewecaredaboutwasrighthereinthisyard,smiling.
Hehadaboxinhishand.Asmall,blackvelvetbox.
OhmyGod.
IpeeredovermyshoulderatWaylay,worriedIwasruiningherparty.Thedaywasabouther,notme.Butshewasholdingmymom’shandandbouncingonhertoes,thebiggestsmileI’deverseenonherface.
“Naomi,”Knoxsaidagain.
Iturnedbacktohimandpressedmyfingerstomymouth.
“Yes?”Itcameoutasamuffledsqueak.
“ToldyouIwantedawedding.”
Inodded,nottrustingmyvoiceanymore.
“ButIdidn’ttellyouwhy.”
Hetookastepforward,thenanotheroneuntilwewerestandingtoe-to-toe.
IfeltlikeIcouldn’tquitecatchmybreath.
“Idon’tdeserveyou,”hesaid,sendingaglanceovermyshoulder.“ButasmartmanoncetoldmethatwhatmattersmostisthatIspendtherestofmylifetryingtobethekindofmanwhodeservesyou.Sothat’swhatI’mgonnado.I’mgonnarememberhowfuckingluckyIam,everysingleday.AndI’mgonnadomybesttobethebestforyou
“Becauseyou,NaomiWitt,areincredible.You’rebeautiful.You’resweet.You’vegotafancy-assvocabulary.Youmakepeoplefeelseenandheard.Youmakebrokenthingswholeagain.Me.Youmademewhole.Andeverytimeyousmileatme,IfeellikeIhitthelotteryagain.”
Thetearswerethreateningtospillover,andtherewasnothingIcoulddotostopthem.Heopenedthebox,butIcouldn’tseeanythingthroughthewaterworks.KnowingKnox,theringwasover-the-topandsomehowstillexactlyperfect.
“SoItoldyouonce.AndnowI’mgonnaaskyou.Marryme,Daze.”
Ididn’tpointoutthathehadn’texactlyasked—itwasmorelikeheordered.Iwastoobusynoddingmyhead.
“Needyoutosayit,baby,”hecoaxed.
“Yes.”Imanagedtogetthewordoutandfoundmyselfagainsttheverysolid,verywarmchestofmyfiancé.EveryoneIlovedwascheeringforus,andKnoxwaskissingme—inaveryinappropriatewayforhavinganaudience.
Hepulledbackjustaninch.“Iloveyousofuckingmuch,Daisy.”
Igaveahitchingsighandtriednottostartwailing.Imanagedanotverydignifiednod.
“Nowyoucansayit,”hepromptedme,cuppingmyfaceinhishands,thosegray-blueeyestellingmeexactlywhatheneededtohear.
“Iloveyou,Knox.”
“Damnrightyoudo,baby.”
Heheldmetightly,thenreleasedonearmandopenedit.Waylayappearedandslidunderit,grinningupatmethroughtearsofherown.Iwrappedmyfreearmaroundher,bindingthethreeofustogether.Waylonwedgedhisheadbetweenusandbarked.
“Youdidgood,Knox,”Waylaysaid.“I’mproudofyou.”
“Youaboutreadyforsomecake?”heaskedher.
“Don’tforgettomakeawish,honey,”Itoldher.
Shegrinnedupatme.“Don’tgotta.IalreadygoteverythingIwanted.”
Andjustlikethat,thetearswereback.
“Metoo,honey.Metoo.”
“Okay.Newfamilyrule.Neitherofyouisallowedtocryeveragain,”Knoxsaid,hisvoicehoarse.
Hesoundedprettyseriousaboutit.Thatjustmadeuscryharder.
***
Laterthatnight,afterthepartywasover,theguestshadgonehome,andKnoxhadgottenmenakedagain,welayinthedarkinourroom.HisfingerstracedlazylinesupanddownmybackasIcuddledagainsthischest.
Downthehall,halfadozengirlsgiggledinWaylay’sroom.
Lizahadwastednotimemakinggoodonherpromise.She’dpackedasuitcaseandthedogdishesandwasspendingherfirstnightinthecottage.
“Todaywasthebestday,”Iwhispered,admiringhowtheringonmyfingercaughtthelightfromthebathroomandtwinkled.Iwasright.Itwasover-the-top.Amassivesolitairediamondflankedbythreesmallerstonesoneachside.Iwasgoingtoneedtostartliftingweightswithmyotherhandjusttokeepmymuscleseven.
Knoxpressedakisstothetopofmyhead.“EverydaysinceImetyouhasbeenthebestday.”
“Don’tbesweet,orI’llbreakyournewfamilyrule,”Iwarnedhim.
Heshiftedunderme.“Igotacoupleofotherthingsforyou.”
“Knox,nooffense,butafterthebestbirthdaypartythistown’severseen,Lizagivingusthehouse,andyoudemandingImarryyouinfrontofallourfriendsandfamily,Idon’tthinkIcantakeanythingelse.”
“Suityourself,”hesaid.
Ilastedalloftenseconds.“Okay.Gimmie.”
Hesatupandsnappedonthebedsidelamp.Hewasgrinning,anditmademyheartturntoliquidgold.
“First,tomorrowyougottahelpmepack.”
“Pack?”
“I’mmovinginhereofficiallyandIdon’tknowwhatshityourparentswillwantandwhattheywon’t.”
“Myparents?”
“LizaJgaveusthehouse.I’mgivingyourparentsthecabin.”
Isatupandpulledthesheetuptomychest.“You’regivingmyparentsthecabin,”Irepeated.
Hegavemeawolfishlook.“Yourearsstillringin’,Daze?”
“Maybe.Ormaybeit’salltheorgasmsyoukeepgivingmethatareslowingdownmyauditoryprocessing.”
Hehookedmebehindtheneckandtuggedmecloser.“YourmomjustgotajobatWaylay’sschool.Part-timecounselor.ShestartsinJanuary.”
Ibroughttheheelsofmyhandstomyeyes.“Myparentsare…”
“Movin’toKnockemout.”
“Howdidyoudothis?Howdidyou…Waylaygetstogrowupwithhergrandparentsrightnextdoor!”EverydamndreamI’deverhadwascomingtrue,andhewasmakingithappen.
“Onethingyougottaunderstand,Naomi.Ifthere’sanythinginthisworldyouwant,I’mgonnagetitforyou.Noquestionsasked.Youwantit,it’syours.Sohere.”Hethrustastackofpapersatme.
Blindly,Iheldthemup.Theylookedlikesomekindoflegalcontract.“Whatarethese?”
“Fliptothesignaturepage,”heinstructed.
Ifollowedthehandyyellowtabandfoundmysister’ssignaturescrawledacrosstheline.
Thewords“guardianship”and“parentalrights”poppedoffthepage.
“OhmyGod,”Iwhispered.
“Shesignedoverparentalrightstoyou.It’sofficial.Nomorehearingsorhomevisits.Wayisours.”
Icouldn’tspeak.Couldn’tbreathe.Icouldonlycrysilently.
“Damnit,baby.Ihatewhenyoudothis,”Knoxgrumbled,gatheringmeupanddroppingmeinhislap.
Inodded,stillcryingasIwrappedmyarmsaroundhimandheldontight.
“Now,it’stimeforsomethingIwant.”
ThemancouldhaveanythingasfarasIwasconcerned.Bothmykidneys.Myfavoritepurse.Anythingatall.
“Ifyou’retryingtohavesexwithmeforthefourthtimetoday,I’mgonnaneedsomeAdvil,anicepack,andagallonofwaterfirst,”Iteasedthroughsobsandsniffles.
Hislaughwasarumbleinhischestashethreadedhisfingersthroughmyhairandstroked.
“Iwanttheweddingsoonerratherthanlater.I’mnotwastinganotherminutewithoutmakingyoumywife.Youcanhaveanythingyouwant.Abigchurchwedding.Abackyardbarbecue.Afive-figureweddingdress.ButIhaveonedemand.”
Ofcourseitwasademandandnotarequest.“What’sthat?”
“Iwantdaisiesinyourhair.”
***
Yes!TherewillbemorefromKnockemout.Whileyou’rewaitingforBook2,don’tmissKnoxandNaomi’sbonusepiloguehere
Inthemoodformoresteamysmall-townromance?
TapheretodiveintoPretendYou’reMine
**Ifyouarehavinganytroubletappingontheextrascenepleasetypelucyscore.net/twngobonusepilogueintoyourphoneorcomputerbrowser.**AUTHOR’SNOTETOTHEREADER
DearReader,
Ifinishedthisbookat11:03p.m.onNovember4,2021,andpromptlyburstintotears.
Istarteditfivemonthsearlier.JustafewdaysbeforeDavid,ClaireKingsley’sbelovedhusbandandmysweetfriend,passedawaysuddenly.NotonlywasIleveledbyhisdeath,buthewasthethirdfriend’shusbandtoleavethisworldfartoosoonintwomonths.
Iwascrushed.ItneveroccurredtomethattherewouldbeaworldwithoutDavid.Letaloneaworldinwhichthreeofmyclosestfriendswouldbewidowedtragicallyintheirforties.
Ididn’tknowwhatthisbookwasaboutwhenIstartedit.EvenwhenIwashalfwaythroughit,Istillwasn’tsure.ButnowthatI’vefinishedit,Ifinallygetit.Thisbookisaboutthebraveryittakesforustolovesomeonewhenweallknowhoweverylovestoryends.It’saboutchoosingloveoverfearagainandagain.It’saboutshowingupandbeingbraveevenwhenweknowit’sgoingtohurtlikehell.
Knox’sfearoflosingsomeonehelovedandfallingapartwassorealforme.IendedupworkingthroughalotofmyowngriefandfearwhileIwrotethisstory.AttimesIcouldn’tgetpastthelossmyfriendsweresuffering.OthertimesIhadthepresenceofmindtorememberhowluckyweallaretolovesomeonesomuchtheirlossisdevastating.
Mywishforallofusisthatwelovewhole-heartedlyandarepresentenoughinourrelationshipsthatwhenwepartouronlyregretisquantitynotquality.Thatweallunderstandthatthepainoflossiswhatgivestherestofourlifecolorandflavorandtexture.
Thankyouforreadingandbeingbrave,myfriends.
Xoxo
LucyACKNOWLEDGMENTS
KariMarchDesignsfortheperfectcoverdesign.
Jessica,Dawn,andHeatherforyoureditorialfabulosity.
JoyceandTammyforbetareadingTWNGOandassuringmethatitwasn’tanemotionaldumpsterfire.
Josie,Jen,andClaireforbeingstrongenoughtocomfortotherseveninthefaceofyourworstloss.
Mr.LucyfortellingmetoquitworryingaboutdeadlinesandpubdatesandjustfocusonwritingthebeststoryIcould.
Sparklingwaterforpretendingtobesoda.
Myreadersforsupportingmeevenwhenittooksodamnlongtowritethisbook.You’rethegreatest.LUCY’STITLES
StandaloneTitles
UndercoverLove
PretendYou’reMine
FinallyMine
ProtectingWhat’sMine
Mr.FixerUpper
TheChristmasFix
HeartofHope
TheWorstBestMan
RockBottomGirl
ThePriceofScandal
ByaThread
ForeverNever
ThingsWeNeverGotOver
RileyThorn
RileyThornandtheDeadGuyNextDoor
RileyThornandtheCorpseintheCloset
TheBlueMoonSmallTownRomanceSeries
NoMoreSecrets
FallintoTemptation
TheLastSecondChance
NotPartofthePlan
HoldingontoChaos
TheFineArtofFakingIt
WhereItAllBegan
TheMistletoeKisser
BootlegSpringsSeries
WhiskeyChaser
SidecarCrush
MoonshineKiss
BourbonBliss
GinFling
HighballRush
SinnerandSaint
CrossingtheLine
BreakingtheRules
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